February 2011

mother bought me plane tickets without asking me if I could get time off work

February 28, 2011

A reader writes:

My mom recently surprised me with a two week trip around Europe, paid by her. Our tickets have been purchased and I am scheduled to leave in two months. My worry lies in my alloted vacation days. I have 10 days for each year, but have only been working here for less than 6 months. My question is whether I can take the full two weeks of vacation or am I only entitled to half of that at this point?

Also, how much notice is appropriate to give for such a long vacation? I work in a professional 24/7 call center environment in which our schedule is posted at least 6 weeks in advance. I am scared of my boss on a good day and terrified I will lose my job for asking for this much time off so early in my employment.

That was really nice of your mom. But I’m going to take a guess here that you’re relatively young and she isn’t yet used to the fact that you now have a real job, where you can’t just take off two weeks without working it out with your boss in advance. Because she really shouldn’t have made these arrangements without checking with you, and by doing so, she’s put you in a tough position.

On the question of whether you even have 10 days to take after working less than six months: I don’t know. Check your employee manual and see how vacation time accrues. Generally you accrue a certain amount per pay period, which means that after working half a year, you’d have accrued half of your annual leave (five days). Of course, the trip is two months away, so you’ll have accrued a bit more by then — but not the whole amount.

Now, at some workplaces, when you need time off but don’t have enough accrued leave, they’re willing to advance you some leave or let you take those days unpaid. But usually that’s done when there’s a compelling reason — you’re getting married, or you’re having surgery, or you had a pre-planned vacation that you talked to them about pre-hire. “My mom surprised me with a trip” may or may not qualify, depending on the norms and culture at your workplace. (And some workplaces, you’d risk coming across as a little naive and less than professional, because you should be the one controlling your work life and schedule, not your mother.)

But it’s not just a question of whether you have the accrued vacation time or whether you can take two weeks off at once; it’s also a question of whether those particular days are ones you can take off. Your mother has no way of knowing whether the big conference you’re working on falls during those dates, or whether your coworker will already be out then and you’re needed to cover for her, etc. And that’s why people generally need to get time-off (especially significant time off, like two weeks) approved in advance, before doing things like purchasing tickets. (Although at a call center, I think there’s a pretty decent chance that none of these things will end up posing obstacles.)

So your mother overstepped here, and no matter how you handle it, I strongly recommend that you find a way to make that clear to her so that she doesn’t do it again. She needs to realize that by taking a full-time job, you basically agreed not to make two-week-long plans without first checking with your manager.

In any case, as for how to handle it now, my advice is this: Tell your boss that you have the chance to take a great trip on those dates, and be very, very clear that you understand that it might be too soon to take two weeks off. Say something like, “I completely realize that the timing just might not be right, and I’m prepared to hear that. But I wanted to check with you in case it’s actually workable without hardship on Acme’s side.” If he says yes, and you’re not getting the vibe that he’s really irked, then great.

If he says no, or if he says yes but you’re getting the vibe that it’s going to Cause Problems (yes, capitalized), then you should tell your mom that while you really appreciate her gift, which is unquestionably generous, your work obligations prevent you from being able to go. How well she takes this will depend on her — but please know that your stance here would be reasonable (and would be a healthy boundary for an adult to enforce with a parent). Good luck!

{ 69 comments }

Posted in advice about your boss

at an interview in a coffee shop, who pays for the coffee?

February 26, 2011

A reader writes:

At a job interview, I showed up at the company’s office and the person interviewing me announced we were not going to do the interview in his office, but at a local coffee shop. Tall gorgeous shoes ruined by a walk in the snow notwithstanding…… we ordered our coffees and each paid for our own.

Friends I have asked about this are evenly split on the proper etiquette in this situation – half are appalled that I did not offer to pay for his coffee (as the interviewee) and the other half are appalled that he (as the interviewer) did not offer to pay for mine.

As the host of the meeting, he should have paid for your coffee. I’m not sure I’d use the word “appalling,” but it was certainly ungracious.

You paying for his would have been weird and vaguely improper. Not that a job can be bought for a cup of coffee, but someone in a position of power (the interviewer) shouldn’t be letting people who want something from him (a job) buy him anything, even a coffee.

{ 25 comments }

Posted in interviewing

do I have to be perfect to get a job?

February 24, 2011

A reader writes:

I have not worked full time in over a year and a half and have been unemployed for two months, when my seasonal job came to an end. I have not been able to find a job and am starting to think there is something wrong with me.

In fact, my perceived flaws are getting to me so much that I can’t fully relax when I am out looking for jobs. When I e-mail a resume or walk into a company, I get into the mindset that I MUST be perfect, or I won’t get the job. I have to have a perfect background, perfect outfit, perfect hairstyle, perfect smile, and answer the questions in the way employers want to hear. If I make a mistake in an interview or have a hard time answering a question, I mentally kick myself for it.

I have yet to pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me and what is holding me back. However, I think my insistence that I have to be perfect or I will instantly lose the job is playing a big part in keeping me from finding employment. How can I relax and stop putting so much pressure on myself? I feel like a failure because I do not have gainful employment, so I really want to find a solution to this.

No, no, no, no! You do not need to be perfect. In fact, your attempts to be perfect in the way that you’re describing might even be hurting you — because my hunch is that in your attempts at perfection, you’re probably coming across as nervous and uncomfortable, and possibly even stiff.

Most employers want to get a feel for who you really are, warts and all. We’re well aware that no one is perfect, so if we can’t see behind a mask of faux perfection, we get nervous — because we want to know who we’re going to be working with every day. If we get the sense you’re putting on an interview persona, that’s a negative — because you’re not going to be wearing that interview persona to work every day. I mean, yes, most normal people are going to be a bit more formal in an interview than they will be on the job, but we still want to get a sense of who you really are.

Plus, that kind of self-imposed pressure for perfection (a perfection that doesn’t exist) also puts up a barrier to one of things that can turn a good interview into a great one — personal connection. It’s hard to connect on a personal level when you’re focused on being someone other than you.

Easier said than done, I know, especially when you’re feeling the desperation of a long job search. I have a bunch of advice for you on overcoming nerves and getting yourself into a better mindset, and it all happens to be compiled in the “nerves” section of my free guide on how to prepare for an interview. So read that immediately.

Additionally, I’m going to refer you to these posts, from people dealing with the same situation you’re in — a really terrible job market that has a way of messing with people’s heads and making them feel like it’s them, when it fact it’s the merciless math of five times as many job-seekers as job openings:

sometimes it’s not about you

recent grad in despair over job market

a success story from someone who was where you are

Hang in there. You’ve got a lot of company in your situation, and it’s not going to stay like this forever.

{ 24 comments }

Posted in job searching, unemployment

Get an Ask a Manager mug … or mousepad!

February 24, 2011

Ask a Manager mugs are here! Mousepads and stickers too.

There would have been shirts, but I’m incapable of manipulating the graphic properly to make it look right on a shirt.

But mugs are where it’s at anyway. Get yours today!

{ 7 comments }

Posted in Uncategorized

my boss’s boss never talks to me but makes decisions that impact me

February 22, 2011

A reader writes:

I’m the junior half of a two-man IT department, and my boss’s boss (the company COO) does not talk to me except when I’m fixing her computer (which is often). I had a 30 minute “hi, who are you?” meeting when she joined the company, but in a year of work that is literally the only time she’s expressed interest in knowing who I am or how my job’s going. Is that normal? I particularly wonder because my boss is a notoriously bad communicator. Even when he has a valid point, he rants and whines. You’d think she’d want a second opinion from someone else who knows the technology and can put stuff in perspective for her once in a while.

To make things worse, my boss and the COO are having a power struggle over my hours. My boss and I are highly in favor of rearranging the IT budget to allow me to work 40 hours a week, but she claims the company can’t afford more than 35 per week for my position. Would it be undiplomatic of me to go talk to her directly? I’ve asked my boss if I should, but have only gotten non-committal “it wouldn’t make any difference” type answers. I feel like I have a right to talk to the person who’s making decisions about my job, but I’m worried that it’d look like I’m going over my boss’s head, and I’m really not sure if I want to dip my toes into a turf war between the two of them.

Unfortunately those five hours a week really do make the difference as to whether I can afford to stay in this position long term or not. It’s a good job for me and I’d like to stay, but I’ve been looking at other jobs to see what my options are. I’ve submitted maybe ten applications this month and have had three interviews, all of which would pay 30-100% more than what I’m making right now. I haven’t had an offer yet, but I’m confident I’ll get there eventually.

So, in this situation is it appropriate for me to go advocate for what I need to stay in this job, or should I just go look for another position that I’ll like?

Well, there’s a chain of command for a reason. (It’s worth noting that some organizational cultures don’t adhere to much of a chain of command, but since most do, I’m going to assume that’s the case at your company — an assumption that’s backed up by the fact that the COO doesn’t interact with you much … something that’s not particularly unusual, by the way.)

So, chain of command. Picture this: You’re a manager, and you’re working to convince your boss of the need to do X. You’ve talked to lots of other departments about it, you have a big-picture view of the company’s needs and why X is a good idea, and you’re using your expertise to make that call. Then you find out that someone who reports to you — who doesn’t have the same big-picture information as you do — has gone over your head to talk to your boss about X and gave her the impression that X isn’t that important. Now, this would be great for your boss if your employee is right — but in this case, your employee didn’t have access to the same information that you do and happened to be wrong. So now you’re frustrated that your employee just inadvertently undermined X. If you’re good at your job, you can undo the damage, but you’re going to be annoyed that you have to — and once you do, your boss is going to be annoyed that your employee took up her time with something that he was off-base about. Part of your job as a manager is to hear your people’s ideas and concerns and filter them for your manager, through the lens of your presumably greater expertise and presumably bigger-picture understanding of the landscape, which streamlines what comes to your manager so that she can spend more of her time on other things.

Of course, that assumes a competent boss, with legitimate reasons for preserving a chain of command. There are also bad bosses who enforce a chain of command for a totally different reason: This category of bosses desperately try to keep their employees from ever talking to higher-ups because they’re insecure and don’t want their own incompetence to be found out. (And that’s why good managers have ways of indicating to employees a few levels down that their door is open if something serious isn’t getting resolved by their direct manager, and will also poke around on their own from time to time.) But I’m assuming your boss isn’t malevolently trying to hide incompetence on his end, because if he was, he’d be taking a harder line with you when you suggest talking to the COO yourself, rather than being non-committal.

Additionally, there are times when you can and should go over your boss’s head, no matter what kind of signals you’re getting: when you have evidence of ethical or legal wrongdoing, when you see or experience illegal harassment, or when there are serious mismanagement issues that you’re sure you’re correct about.

But in general, when it comes to the routine running of the department, work assignments, hours, etc. — well, your company pays your boss to handle that stuff so that his boss can focus her time on other things.

So let’s get back to your specific situation. Here are the possibilities you’re facing:

1. Your boss is inept and hasn’t effectively conveyed to the COO the compelling reasons for increasing your hours.

2. Your boss has effectively conveyed the compelling reasons for increasing your hours to the COO, and she simply disagrees — or she does see the merit in it but other priorities trump it (an always under-appreciated explanation).

3. Your boss actually doesn’t care that much about increasing your hours and, rather than being candid with you about it, he’s blaming it on the COO because that’s easier than making himself the bad guy.

If it’s #2 or #3, your going over his head to talk to the COO isn’t going to help. If it’s #1, that’s where your best bet of having an impact lies — although the COO still might be annoyed. At that point, it depends on her working style and how open she is to people a few levels down going outside of the regular chain. She might totally welcome it, or she might shut you down, or anywhere in between. I have no idea which it is. (Personally, if I were in her shoes, I’d gladly hear you out but would be non-committal because I’d want to talk more with your manager.)

In any case, if you do decide to do it, I strongly recommend that you not go behind your boss’s back. If you want to meet with the COO, say to your boss, “I’d really like to talk with Ann directly about this, but I don’t want to go around you. Are you okay with me doing that, or should I drop that idea?” And unless you get an explicit “yes, that’s fine to do,” then you probably need to drop it — unless you’ve seen other times where Ann really seemed to welcome this kind of back-channel thing (which she very well might).

And last, there’s this: I can think of several instances where I, as a manager, got really useful information because someone discreetly went outside the chain of command and talked to me behind their boss’s back. But I can also think of cases where someone attempted it and I was left thinking, “This person has no idea what they’re talking about.” The difference, every time? The people who did it successfully really knew their stuff and had established a track record of credibility. So some of this is about knowing your own standing, and making sure that it’s strong.

{ 11 comments }

Posted in advice about your boss

answering questions from your old employer after you’ve moved on

February 21, 2011

A reader writes:

I have submitted my two weeks notice and am wondering what I should do if after I have left, if they contact me for phone support? What if my peers call me? I’m thinking soon after I could be polite and offer some level of help but where do I draw the line and say “hey guys, I”m not getting paid for this. If they need my help, they can pay me for it.”

The best thing that you can do is to spend that two weeks creating thorough documentation on the sorts of things that you suspect people might not know after you’re gone. Processes, passwords, the status of various projects — get it all down in writing, and make sure that anyone who might need it knows where it is.

Once you’re gone, it’s considered good form to be willing to answer a small number of inquiries — not actually doing further work, but answering a few questions like “what’s the password for X?” or “do you know where we can find the contract for Y?” These should be a small number of things that don’t take up significant amounts of your time.

(Of course, you’re not under any formal obligation to do even this. But doing so is kind, will help you maintain a good relationship with your former coworkers and employer, and is fairly typical if you left on good terms.)

Now, if the requests for help you’re getting would take up a significant amount of your time (either individually or cumulatively), at that point you can draw a boundary, by explaining that you can answer the occasional quick question but don’t have time for more than that. Or, if you’re willing to help out if you’re paid for it, you can say to your old boss, “Hey, it seems like you guys are calling on me a lot, to the point that I wanted to raise the possibility of offering you a set number of hours of my time in the next month as a consultant. I’d be willing to do that for $x/hour if that would be helpful.” (This may lead to a consulting arrangement, but more likely it’ll lead to them leaving you alone.)

You can also address this ahead of time — if you know that people are going to want to call on you a lot after you’re gone, you can try to negotiate something before your last day, like agreeing to be available for assistance for up to three weeks after your last day in exchange for an additional week of vacation pay, or something like that. Or you can agree to a total of one hour of post-exit help, with the understanding that you’ll get compensated for anything beyond that.

Of course, all of this comes down to what you feel like doing, the terms you left on, and what kind of relationship you want to have with them in the future.

{ 25 comments }

Posted in resigning

when a social contact invites you to send a resume

February 21, 2011

You’re talking to someone at a party, or a friend of a friend, or the guy who just moved in down the street. You mention what you do, and the next thing you know, the person says, “Oh, I might have something that would be perfect for you. Send me your resume.”

What exactly do you send? A formal application with traditional cover letter? Something less formal? Over at U.S. News & World Report today, I walk you through exactly how to follow up in this situation. Check it out here.

P.S. While I have you, there’s an excellent column from the Evil HR Lady, Suzanne Lucas, on why you shouldn’t quit without notice right here.

{ 3 comments }

Posted in job searching

short answer Sunday: 7 short answers to 7 short questions

February 20, 2011

It’s short answer Sunday: seven short answers to seven short questions.

Company asking me to fly myself out for informational interview

I recently applied for a position at a big time company that’s out of state. I emailed them my resume and stated in the cover letter what position I was interested in at the company and that I’m willing to relocate. The job is an entry level job. I’m east coast. This company is west coast. To my surprise, they actually called me back and asked to set up an INFORMATIONAL interview. I agreed to it. I don’t mind at all. But is it weird to call a person in from across the country for an informational interview? I am also paying for travel. Which again, I don’t mind doing. I’ve already asked for a job so why did they offer me an informational interview? They also told me to bring plenty of resumes. I’m so confused. (And I’m sure they know I live out of state because I used my real address and mentioned where I was currently working in the cover letter.)

Yes, this is weird — if in fact they really meant an informational interview. I’m wondering if they didn’t and that was somehow a miscommunication by someone who doesn’t understand that “informational interviews” are different from job interviews — because generally an employer doesn’t have any incentive to set up informational interviews; those are typically in the interest of (and suggested by) a job-seeker, not an employer. I would bet money that they’re just misusing the term, and what they really mean is that this will be a fairly typical first interview.

However, ideally, you would have asked for clarification before agreeing. When an employer does something that seems mystifying, there’s no reason you can’t politely inquire for more context — particularly before you spend your own money on travel.

I’m angry about a pay disparity; can I walk off the job?

I found out today that someone who is about to come on board with us is going to be offered $25k more than I make a year. We have a similar educational and work background, similar experience and he’s going to be doing a similar job but far, far less work than I do. He’ll have essentially one job (and get to telecommute) while I have many additional jobs. I found this out because we’re a small company and my boss said it in a meeting, so he knows I know. We’re pretty open here.

I am sick over this. I feel that I have done great work here and have always had great performance reviews and I have a thick file of praise I’ve received internally and externally. My work has attracted some of our biggest clients. Here’s the twist: I haven’t been happy here in a long time and I’ve been offered another much, much better job, but since I’m still going through the background check process, I haven’t put in my notice (just to be safe). I was going to give two weeks, but knowing now just how very little they value me, is that still a good idea? Would I be in the right to leave immediately? I’m finding it hard to even face my boss and supervisor, I’m so upset. I know I need to pull it together, but I feel like they just gave me the middle finger.

No, you would not be in the right to leave immediately, and by doing so you might even screw yourself with your new job if they find out about it in the background check process — burning a bridge by leaving without notice isn’t the kind of thing that gets you a good reference or makes future employers want to hire you.

There are all kinds of reasons a coworker might earn more than you, fair and unfair. But ultimately you are responsible for the financial arrangements you negotiate with your employer. If you don’t like those arrangements, it’s your prerogative to leave that job — but that doesn’t mean you can do so in an unprofessional way and expect it not to reflect poorly on you. You’re also free to tell your boss that you were stunned to hear about the disparity in your salaries (since it was announced right in front of you) — and, if you weren’t already leaving, to make the case that you deserve a higher salary — but you really need to take some of the emotion out of this before you do or say anything, or you won’t help yourself.

Should I follow up to correct a mistake in my resume?

I’m a college sophomore in the midst of the summer internship application rush. Over the past month, I’ve applied to about 15 internships at various government agencies and think tanks, and just today happened to notice one minor typo on my resume (I wrote “senor executive” instead of “senior”). Of course, I’m kicking myself for not finding a second pair of eyes to review my resume before I sent it, and it’s not a mistake I’ll make again. Here’s my question: is this a big enough mistake that I should re-submit my corrected resume to all of the places at which I’ve already applied? When I make a mistake, my instinct is usually to correct it rather than cross my fingers and hope for the best; however, most of my applications were submitted weeks or even months ago, so I’m wondering if correcting them at this point would just make things worse. I have a good amount of experience for someone my age, so I’m hoping that that will outweigh the one mistake, but I’m not sure.

It may not make a difference, but I don’t think it would make things worse so you have nothing to lose by trying. Don’t just resubmit your resume without comment though — that’ll look weird. Submit it with a note saying that you were mortified to notice a typo in the first version. Make sure you truly sound mortified and stress that this isn’t typical of your attention to detail.

Job ads with spelling errors

Is it possible you could address the lack of spelling skills that seem to be so prevalent in job ads? I understand that a lot of people can’t spell, but it really irks me when I see occupations and other obvious words misspelled in job ads. I find myself wondering if the company is even worth working for or if the hiring manager is placing a sort of test in the ad to see who will mention the misspellings.

Yep. I think it tells you something about the standards to which the company holds itself and its employers. It’s not a good sign.

Listing consulting work on a resume

How should I list my company and job title if I’m a consultant? For example, say I’m a consultant with Acme Technology and they place me at General Hospital for a year. Technically, my paycheck is from Acme and the hospital has no record of me at HR because I’m not an employee. But General Hospital is a very prestigious employer in my town so I definitely want it prominently displayed on my resume. Likewise, my official title is consultant but the contracted position is for database administrator. While I want my resume to be accurate, I think it’s important to let future employers know I’ve held the dba position. I currently list both companies and positions (with the GH position as sort of a sub-job of Acme) but it looks a little busy on my resume.

I would list it this way:

Database Administrator
General Hospital (via Acme Technology)

(It’s fine to use the title of the contracted position.)

Listing consulting work on a resume, part 2

How do you list contract work on a resume when it’s a direct hire? I am currently working for a single company and paid as a contractor, not an employee. This work was not found through a temp agency or anything of the sort; it was a direct hire. Sometimes the work is paid on an hourly basis, sometimes it’s project-based. I work at their location. To give you an idea of what I’m doing for this company: I do all sorts of web work including web design as well as working with APIs to develop web applications for this company, so I’m putting my title as a Web Specialist since Web Designer feels limiting, but I’m not sure if I’m accurately reflecting the position by having it in the same format as my previous forms of employment.

So right now, it’s listed as:
Web Specialist, Company X ……………………… Starting Date – present
Location of Job

And then two bullet points about the position. I have a chronological resume as I’m still early in my career.

Yep, that’s exactly how I’d list it, and if you don’t have a title, it’s fine to come up with something that accurately reflects what you do there. (The litmus test: Would they dispute the title in a reference check?) The details of your pay arrangement (the fact that you’re a contractor rather than an employee) aren’t particularly relevant for your resume.

Also, regarding your note about having a chronological resume because you’re early in your career — you should have a chronological resume no matter where you are in your career. Don’t switch that when you’re older, or I will personally hunt you down and change it back.

Following up after a phone interview
Subtitle: use the search box!

Four weeks ago, I had a phone interview for a job. The person who interviewed me told me that they were going to take a couple of weeks to deliberate over who they wanted to contact for in-person interviews. This is a job that I’m very excited about, so I’ve been very anxious for them to make a decision. Last week, I got tired of waiting so I sent an e-mail to my interviewer reiterating my interest in the position, and, if possible, to alert me of any updates. It is going on eight days now and I have not received a reply. It’s frustrating, because I have no clue why I haven’t gotten feedback. They could have missed the e-mail. Unfortunately, I sent the e-mail though Gmail, so I couldn’t attach a receipt to see if it had been opened. Or worse, they could have seen my e-mail as being pushy and demanding. Should I retry sending the same e-mail, and if so how long should I wait?

The exact same email? No, that would be weird. A version of it, asking directly for their timeline this time? Yes. And for what it’s worth, there are almost a dozen posts on this site that answer this same question, and there’s a very effective search box to the right that will let you find those posts, and even a category about how to follow up in the category listing to the right. I have organized the site this way not for my own pleasure, but to help you find stuff.

Grumpily yours,
Alison

{ 21 comments }

Posted in short answers

am I not getting hired because I’m gay?

February 17, 2011

A reader writes:

I’m a 22-year-old gay male and I recently relocated to a bigger city from a small town in hopes of finding gainful employment but so far it has not worked out. I’ve turned in over 80 applications to businesses all over the city and have had maybe 6 interviews with no luck. I know I should not be so judgmental of employers but I can’t help but think that in most cases I’m not being considered because of sexual orientation.

For the most part the interviews go really well and some go so far as to say they will contact me in the following days for a second interview but never do. Am I crazy to think like this? I’m under this self-impression that no matter how experienced, educated, articulate a gay applicant may be, when put neck and neck with a lesser or equal straight applicant then the interviewer’s more inclined to choose the “norm.”

Help me out with this please. It’s making me depressed and paranoid that I’ll never succeed because of who I am.

Ugh, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. The good news — if you can call depressing job market news “good” — is that your situation sounds exactly the same as most job-seekers’ situation right now. In fact, possibly a little bit better, because getting six interviews from 80 applications is a pretty good success rate, believe it or not.

And that whole “we’ll contact you soon” followed by never hearing from them again? Frustratingly common as well.

The fact is, the job market sucks right now. It’s sucked for a while. And while a lot of people think it’s starting to improve, that improvement is happening very slowly, and so people are still continuing to have lots of trouble getting a job. There are still five times as many job-seekers as there are job openings. That’s really bad math.

And in your case, you’re also 22, which means that you probably don’t have a ton of work experience yet and you’re up against applicants with more years in the workforce, which puts you at an additional disadvantage.

Now, am I going to promise you that no one is discriminating against you because you’re gay? No. Of course it could happen, because there will always be jerks. But the vast majority of interviewers are not jerks and won’t care. (Will they even know, for that matter? Either way, most won’t care, especially in a bigger city.) And so far, your experience sounds just like the experience that most people are having in this job market, so unless you have specific reason to think there’s homophobia at work here, I’d assume what you’re seeing is just the same old bad job market facing everyone.

For what it’s worth, I’ve noticed a lot of people assuming that their lack of offers must be evidence that something nefarious is going on. And I’m not saying that’s never the case, because sometimes it is … but I would caution people not to leap to that conclusion unless they see specific evidence of it, beyond just this crappy job market.

Hang in there, read and practice the hell out of the ridiculous quantity of advice on interviewing that you can find in the archives here, and good luck!

{ 50 comments }

Posted in job searching

coworker has appointed herself the food police

February 16, 2011

A reader writes:

Lately, several members of the office staff have been whispering about the disturbing exchange between two of my co-workers. Co-worker A is 20-something, tall and very thin. Co-worker B is 50-something, short and…well…not so thin. Recently, co-worker B received some disturbing news concerning her health from her physician. She was understandably upset when she told us about the doctor’s grim diagnosis the following day.

For some reason unbeknown to anyone else, co-worker A has taken it upon herself to impose a strict diet regimen upon co-worker B. Co-worker A is constantly scrutinizing everything that B consumes throughout the day. One day when B mildly objected to A’s intolerable hampering, A responded by saying “well, if you want to be alive for your son’s high school graduation, then you’ll learn to discipline yourself.” Co-worker B began to cry. This is merely one example as this type of behavior occurs almost daily. I think co-worker A’s constant berating is not only inappropriate, but also just mean. Should I say something to this self-appointed food police?

I would. Ideally your coworker would speak up for herself, but given that not everyone in the world is perfectly assertive, I’d speak up on her behalf. You have a bunch of choices, from “Wow, did you really just say that?” to “That’s incredibly out of line” to “In what way is what someone else chooses to eat your business?” You also don’t need to wait for it to happen again; you could address it preemptively by saying, “It makes me really uncomfortable to hear you criticizing another adult’s food choices. Could you leave her alone?”

Someone could argue this is none of your business, but since it appears to be happening right in front of you, I think you’re well within your rights to call out A on her behavior, and I think doing so would be an act of kindness toward B, who sounds like she might be in a vulnerable spot.

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Posted in advice about your coworkers

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