Courtesy of Elisabeth Fosslien’s very amusing “Get Hired” page.
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May 2012
It’s hard to work with defensive coworkers — or worse, defensive bosses. Because they argue, don’t hear what you’re saying, and sometimes even lash out, people tend to start avoiding giving them useful feedback … which sucks for both sides, because problems go unaddressed and people feel like they can’t get their voices heard.
But over at the Intuit QuickBase blog today, I tell you the secret method for defusing someone’s defensiveness. You can read it here.
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A reader writes:
Our manager refuses to tell us when she is scheduled to be out of the office. She travels for business and has taken several vacations since I started in September; however, she has never notified us of her absence in advance. Sometimes she’s available via IM and sometimes she’s not, so we don’t know if she’s out for work and available to answer calls and emails or if she’s on vacation.
We don’t really care where she’s going, but she is heavily involved in our daily operations and things have to be handled a little differently if she’s not around.
I feel it’s common courtesy to keep your employees informed of your office schedule. What do you think?
I wrote back to this reader and asked if anyone has asked the manager to keep them in the loop about when she’ll be away. The answer:
Unfortunately, she’s rather confrontational and gets defensive easily so we all just try to avoid her when possible. Not to mention she rarely lets you complete a question/statement before she interrupts because she thinks she knows the answer.
This is bizarre.
But on the other hand, no one has pointed it out to her so she’s not really “refusing” to tell you; she’s probably just being oblivious. And someone should speak up about it, because it’s such an obvious, easy thing to fix.
Here’s your wording: “Jane, when you’re away and we don’t realize it, we sometimes hold projects up for hours/days for your input into things without realizing that you won’t be seeing it until you’re back in a week. And we also end up bothering you when you’re on vacation, because we don’t realize that you’re taking time off. Could you give everyone a heads-up when you’re going to be on vacation or traveling for work so that we can keep things moving and avoid bothering you if you’re off?”
It’s straightforward and direct and explains the impact and your requested solution. You say it in a tone that’s cheerful and constructive, not accusatory. If she gets defensive, (a) she’s insane, and (b) you can pander a bit to her weirdness and reassure her that you’re trying to support her schedule the most efficient way you can.
By the way, the key to getting along with defensive people is to make them feel safe — you love their work, you think they’re great, and oh, hey, here’s this tiny thing that it would be so helpful to do just a little bit differently.
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A reader writes:
My workplace is extremely dysfunctional. In some ways, we are very much like a family (which can be nice), but the downside of this security (it’s just about impossible to get fired…just like your family) is that there’s no real consequences for bad behavior. Here’s my dilemma:
I used to be friends with a coworker. He has a series of issues: depression, disordered eating, diabetes, and sleep issues, among others. He is a deeply unhappy person, but we share a lot of the same interests, and became friends when I began working here two years ago. Although I am married (he has met my husband many times), he recently expressed an interest in a closer relationship with me. Obviously, I made it clear that this was not an option. Since then, things have been…strained.
This week, he has ceased speaking to me. When there is a call for me, he no longer even pages my name, but my department (I am a department of one. Everyone else uses my name). Earlier today, I was on the phone. This man paged me another phone call, then another employee paged me as well. This coworker walked in my office, saw I was on the phone, and then left…to page me again. Most people would pick up the line and offer to take a message or put the call through to voicemail, but instead, he kept paging me every couple minutes. There have been a couple other incidents of him making my job more difficult and this isn’t always limited to behind-the-scenes type stuff.
I don’t care what this guy’s issue with me is. I’m past it, at this point, and consider the friendship beyond salvage. What’s really irking me is the fact that he’s letting it interfere with my job and his. My issue is that I don’t know if I should address this with him, with him and management, or if I should ignore it. I really want to at least let our boss (the owner of the company) know what’s going on because it will end up affecting my work in a noticeable way if it’s not addressed. On the other hand, I don’t want to be told to “work it out amongst ourselves,” because this person does have an issue with anger.
I started writing an answer to this and it got really convoluted, because the bad management at this place is making a normal answer impossible. Which is really frustrating, because it might mean that your best bet is trying to ignore this guy and just wait it out, which you shouldn’t have to do.
If he didn’t have anger issues, I’d say that you should start by talking to him, saying something like: “John, I noticed that you haven’t been speaking with me. You don’t need to socialize with me if you don’t want to, but you do need to have normal interactions with me about work things, because we both need to be able to do our jobs.” And then if that didn’t work, you’d go and talk to your manager.
However, he has anger issues, and he’s shown a willingness to be petty and punitive. So normally, because of that, I’d say to skip that step and instead go straight to your manager. You’d explain that this guy made romantic overtures toward you, you rejected them, and since then he’s been refusing to interact with you in normal, professional ways and it’s interfering with your ability to do your job. And if he’s been openly or subtly hostile, you’d mention that specifically.
When you report something like this to an employer, the employer should take immediate action — both because you can’t have something like this going on in a workplace and also because what you’re reporting is essentially sexual harassment, and they have a legal obligation to put a stop to it.
But here’s where things get tricky because your workplace wants to run itself “like a family” (a terrible idea, and also an unworkable one). Your description of how they operate makes me worry that they’ll just wring their hands and not do anything, or fumble it badly. And this is a situation where you really don’t want them to fumble it, because we’re dealing with a rejected suitor with anger issues.
And that’s why I’m in a pickle with this response. Legally, they’re required to handle this, and you can point that out to them. But realistically, if their “handling” makes the situation worse, that’s not a good outcome.
I suppose you could talk to them and be very assertive about your expectations: Ask specifically how this will be handled. Ask how they’ll ensure that you don’t face further consequences from this guy for reporting the behavior. Ask how they plan to account for his anger issues — and if you don’t feel entirely safe, say that too. And be very clear that you do expect them to act and that the law specifically requires employers to deal with sexual harassment when it’s reported. (And obviously, if you’re told, as you fear you might be, to “work it out amongst yourselves,” don’t entertain that for a second. Say this: “This is not a routine interpersonal conflict. This is sexual harassment, and the law is very clear that employers can’t put the burden on the harassed employee to stop it.”)
But again, while you can push them to handle it the way they’re supposed to, that doesn’t mean that they’ll handle it well. And if they’re as inept as they sound, they could make the situation worse.
Reason #3,745 not to work for bad managers.
What do others think?
You can read an update to this post here.
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If you’re like most people, the thought of negotiating, or even talking about, salary with a new employer gives you the vapors. What if you lowball yourself? What if you price yourself out of the job? It’s stressful.
Over at U.S. News & World Report today, I talk about 10 key salary negotiating mistakes that you don’t want to make, including trying to negotiate before you have an offer, relying on bad sources of salary information, and more. You can read it here.
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It’s terse answer Tuesday — seven short answers to seven short questions. Here we go…
1. Can my company prohibit me from being a reference for a former coworker?
My ex-coworker came in to the office today to ask if i would be his reference for a new job he applied for. My manager was also asked to do the same and we both said yes, but when my ex-coworker left, she turned to me and said, “You can give a personal referral, not a work-related one. The doctor doesn’t want you talking to anybody about the office, so you can tell him he’s a great guy but if they ask you any questions about working with him, you will have to say that you can’t talk about that.” I realize he was a little flaky and she didn’t like him, but I don’t see why I can’t give him a referral of my choice; it’s my opinion that they are asking. Is it legal for my boss to control who I give referrals to and what i say in them?
Yes, as long as you are employed there, your employer can enforce whatever policies they want about recommendations, including who can give them and what they can say. Once you’re no longer working there, you won’t be governed by those policies. However, your manager is an ass — she should have explained the company’s policy to the former coworker, not let him leave thinking that you could give him a professional reference when you can’t. (Plus, your message implies that she doesn’t think highly of his work; if so, she’s additionally an ass for not explaining to him that her reference won’t be glowing.)
2. Connecting with your parents on LinkedIn
Do you think it’s a good idea to accept a linked in invitation from my parents?
I don’t see why not.
3. Employee is constantly changing shifts and messing up our schedule
I have an employee who I hired and soon after she found out she is pregnant. She is continuously switching shifts with me and the other two employees. She also takes days off regularly. We dont really have a policy on days off, other than that as long as someone is always here, you can be off. The catch is that in the mornings and afternoon, people work alone, so someone has to switch shifts if she calls out. The annoyance is that we do not have a reliable schedule to base our personal plans on. It is creating a hostile working environment, because no one wants to switch but they do anyway to be nice. She is almost three months pregnant, but she has not had to miss work related to pregnancy yet.
Your problem is that you need a better policy about taking days off. Come up with a policy that applies to everyone and will prevent the problems you’re having now, and this should be solved. Alternately, you can talk to her and say, “Jane, you’re switching shifts so often that we don’t have a reliable schedule for people to plan around. We try to give flexibility for people when they need it, but generally we expect that no one is going switch shifts more than once a month” (or whatever). But given the pregnancy factor, you might be better off just creating a clearer policy that applies to everyone.
By the way, this isn’t a “hostile working environment,” which is a legal term. But if people are feeling so uncomfortable that you’re using that term anyway, point out to them that they can say no when they don’t want to change shifts with her.
4. What is a cover note versus a cover letter?
I am filling out an application right now and they ask for a “covering note,” “covering letter” and “CV/resume.” What is the difference between a covering note and a covering letter?
I have no idea. That’s odd.
5. Employer is requiring applicants to pay for their own background checks
I recently found out that a restaurant I used to work at is now requiring potential new-hires to pay $20 for a mandatory background check to be performed. (And they don’t get the money back, whether or not they get hired.) This can’t be legal. Is this a normal practice?
As far as I know, it’s legal, but it’s stupid. It’s a cost of hiring that should be borne by the employer.
6. How much notice should I give my boss that I’m planning to resign?
I want to leave my job, but I don’t want to put my boss in a spot. He’s a real nice guy. I would like to tell him that it’s not working out for me and that I’m going to look for a new job and he should start interviewing for my current position. We would both get what we want and walk away friends. Is that even realistic? Can they just fire me for telling them that?
How much notice to give depends 100% on how your boss and your company operate. Pay attention to how they’ve handled other employees who resign. Are people shown the door immediately? Pushed out earlier than they would have otherwise planned to leave? If so, assume the same may happen to you, and give two weeks and nothing more. But if your employer has a track record of accommodating long notice periods, has been grateful to employees who provide long notice, and has generally shown that employees can feel safe being candid about their plans to leave, take your cues from that. (It’s in most employers’ best interest to do the latter, but too few of them do, and they end up with employees who have no choice but to limit their notice periods to two weeks. This is counterproductive because it ends up denying employers a head start on the hiring process, which they otherwise could have had.)
And yes, they can tell you to go ahead and leave now. So you need to know who you’re dealing with, and act accordingly.
7. Managing in an environment where you can’t enforce consequences
I work in government manufacturing, and have a good working relationship with management. That being said, I’ve recently been promoted into the first-level supervisory position. I have 4 people who work under me, 3 of whom are under-performers and are not inclined to improve. What are some strategies I could use to help them get motivated? I want to work with them, and get them moving in a way that will foster teamwork and cooperation, but my background is military (I’m a former Marine) and my initial inclination comes off as a drill instructor… and isn’t productive in this environment. The employees know that neither myself, the supervisor, nor even several layers of management have any real disciplinary authority, as these are federal jobs. Any suggestions?
You can’t manage effectively without real disciplinary authority, and you can get that even in the government — it will take a long time and involves time-consuming bureaucratic hassles, but if you’re willing to deal with an outrageous amount of hoop-jumping, you can discipline and fire people, even in the government. I’m not a fan of hand-holding people who aren’t motivated to do a good job; I’m a proponent of holding a high bar, helping people meet it, and moving them out if they show they can’t/won’t. That’s the path I’d take with these people, bureaucratic hassles be damned. (And yes, I’m sure you can find someone to recommend motivational strategies for people who aren’t interested in improving, but I’m constitutionally unable to indulge that sort of thing.)
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Sadly, my vacation is over. Why is the transition back into normal life so onerous? In any case…
A reader writes:
What do you do if your references don’t know how to give references? I recently provided my references for a job that I really want. This company has a very rigorous hiring process, so they probably check references the way you describe a good reference checker does. I know my references are good; I’m still in contact with all of them and they are enthusiastic about me.
But when two of my references followed up with me after they were contacted by this company, they seemed unsure and bewildered (like they hadn’t experienced a real in-depth reference check before) and most alarmingly, they said that gave me a good one, but they made sure not to sound overly enthusiastic because they were concerned they would come off as insincere. They said they played it down a little because they wanted to be taken seriously (I guess under the assumption that a very enthusiastic reference would sound like a fake reference; these were definitely not fake references).
So, two questions: 1. How can I communicate to my professional references that they should be candid and if they are enthusiastic about me, then they should show that without telling them what kind of reference to give me, and 2. Will reference checkers who receive good, but tempered, feedback come away thinking my references weren’t actually good?
It’s hard to answer your second question without knowing exactly what they said and how they said it, but as for your first question: Please address this with them head-on if you approach them for references again. I’d say something like, “By the way, obviously I don’t want to micromanage what you say, but you mentioned last time that you tried not to sound overly enthusiastic so that it wouldn’t sound insincere. But I really want to convey that people who’ve worked with me in the past are enthusiastic about my work, so I’d really appreciate it if you’d not play down any positives about my work. I’d definitely rather you err on the side of being too effusive than to risk coming across as lukewarm!” You could even add, “I’ve heard too many reference-checkers say that they really pay attention to tone of voice and how warm a recommendation seems to be.”
By the way … since you ran into this weirdness with two people, could there be more going on here? For instance, is it possible that they actually aren’t super enthusiastic about your work and said what they did to you in order to politely convey, “It seemed like that employer was looking for the sort of strongly positive testimony that we can’t honestly give”? It’s entirely plausible that that’s not the explanation, but whenever you hear anything remotely weird from your references, it’s worth considering all possibilities.
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This post was originally published on September 7, 2007.
A reader writes:
I work in a very small office, doing a series of specific technical projects, reporting to a very young, recent-graduate manager who doesn’t have any experience in my area. I am regularly asked to complete projects in in ridiculous time frames. For instance, a project that I (and other peers) would normally budget around 30 days for, I am asked to complete in 4-12 days. My manager is clearly receiving directives from his superiors, who also have no experience in my area, but clearly believe that they need to push their employees. I am constantly going back to my manager to explain that more time is needed for these projects, but it makes no difference. Usually I get a barrage of micro-managing questions: why does it take this much time? Why can’t you do it in the time frame? Why does that take so much time? Shouldn’t it take you x time to do y? Can’t you do y instead of z? For our most recent project — an IP project (I’m not an IT person) I was asked to complete in a week — I replied to him that I was doubtful I would meet the deadline, and if I did I would need extensive help and resources from him. His reply was to simply reiterate my deadline.
It’s a small company. Our department is my manager and I, that’s it. The company typically does very little planning or provide much by way of resources. I’m looking for another job (surprise, surprise) but in the meantime I’d love some tips on how to handle my manager so I don’t have to dread going to work.
This is tough, because without hearing your manager’s perspective, it’s hard to know whether this is a company with ludicrous deadlines and expectations or whether it’s a company that strives to be exceptional and thus gets things done faster than industry averages. I’ve had a couple of people work for me who were used to much more slowly paced environments and when they first came to us, they thought we operated at a crazy warp speed — which maybe we do, compared to most places, but it’s because we kick ass.
That’s in no way to discount the possibility that your company is simply insane. They very well may be — but be sure to consider both options.
Along similar lines, it’s possible that when your manager is asking questions that feel like micromanagement to you, he might be genuinely trying to learn about what is and isn’t reasonable and why. After all, he needs to be armed with information if he’s going to go to his boss and ask for more time. I know that I sometimes inadvertently give a department a deadline that just isn’t realistic, and I rely on them to tell me when they think that’s the case. When that happens, I do sometimes pepper them with questions to understand why — because once I hear the reasoning, I may be able to make changes that will save them time. For instance, if I find out that 85% of the project can be accomplished quickly but the other 15% will take much longer, maybe I can be satisfied with putting that other 15% off for a while, or even not doing it at all. And when I understand why something will take a while, I can also sometimes come up with means of relief (giving you additional resources for the project, moving other deadlines back, contracting part of it out, etc.).
Obviously, I don’t know your manager and I don’t know if that’s what he’s doing. But I want to throw the possibility out there.
In any case, as for specific strategies for handling this, I have two suggestions:
1. Tell your manager what you can do. Try saying something like, “With only 10 days, I can do x and y, and I’ll need to modify z in the following ways. And we won’t have finished fully testing it, but that could be wrapped up two days later. Would that work?”
2. It sounds like you’ve raised the issue on a project-specific basis, but have you talked with your manager from more of a big-picture perspective? For instance, you could say something like, “I’ve noticed that we sometimes have different ideas about what are realistic timeframes for many projects. I want to be able to do the job well and deliver a good product, but sometimes we’re given deadlines that aren’t possible to meet, not if the product is going to be any good. I believe in pushing myself and I think you know I work hard, but I’m concerned that we’re on a different page from Department X about how long these projects take. Can we talk about how we might be able to address this?” (Note that this language puts you and your manager on the same side, rather than attributing the problem to your manager himself.)
If the manager pre-dates you at the company, you might also ask if your predecessors were able to meet similar deadlines and, if so, what they might have done differently than you. Maybe there are shortcuts that you don’t realize they’d be okay with you taking. You might be aiming for more perfection than they are; maybe they’re willing to trade perfection for speed.
Ultimately having that big-picture conversation with your manager will help you get the issue on the table and hear his perspective on it. You’ll get a better sense of where he’s coming from and whether you’re going to be able to resolve the issue in a way you can be happy with. And that at least will arm you to figure out your next moves. Good luck!
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This post was originally published on June 19, 2007.
Apparently I am engaging in some sort of deviant workplace behavior.
I like to email short notes to people when they strike me as particularly awesome — and cc their boss. I never do it unless it’s sincere, but it’s not hard to find opportunities; we have a great staff and examples of well done projects or just general greatness abound. Sometimes I send the note to their boss directly, with the person I’m talking about cc’d.
It’s weird how unusual this seems to be.
Why aren’t more people doing this? It makes people feel good, it pretty much guarantees that they’ll keep up their awesomeness since everyone wants to be as cool as others think they are, they’ll be more inclined to help you out in the future, and it might inspire other people in your office to start doing the same thing, which could actually have a not insignificant impact on how nice of a place it is to work.
Seriously, send a note today to someone who you think is a rock star. Stick their boss in the cc field. If you can’t think of anyone who deserves this, send it to someone great who you deal with at another company (and then start plotting your escape from wherever you’re currently working).
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This post was originally published on September 3, 2007. I’m reprinting it now because I’m taking a few days off. You’ll see a few new posts during this period, but I’ll also be using a few from the long distant past.
Firing poor performers is one of the hardest things managers do — and also one of the most important.
I’ll write in the future about how to make the decision to fire someone in the first place, but for now, here are six rules for the termination conversation itself.
Disclaimer: This post doesn’t address the legal issues surrounding firings, but obviously you should ensure that any termination you’re contemplating doesn’t violate federal or state laws … and if there are sticky issues potentially in play, you should speak to a lawyer in advance.
1. A firing should (almost) never come as a surprise.
Ideally, a firing should be the final installment in a conversation that has been ongoing. The employee has been clearly told about the problems and what needs to change, warned that the progress isn’t what it needs to be, and explicitly told that his or her job is in jeopardy if specific changes don’t occur. When the termination conversation happens, it’s more of a wrap-up than anything else; it shouldn’t be a surprise.
There are some offenses so egregious that they warrant firing on the spot, like, say, punching someone. But that’s not the case for the vast majority of terminations.
2. Be compassionate.
Acknowledge that this is hard and that you’re sorry this is the outcome. Allow your tone and body language to convey compassion. Even if you’ve been incredibly frustrated with the employee, now that the decision has been made, there’s no reason not to allow yourself to feel and express genuine compassion for what’s inescapably a horrible outcome for the person.
When at all feasible, try to truly believe this is a case of a bad fit, rather than that the employee is lazy, stupid, obstinate, or difficult. If you go into the meeting with this mindset, it will change the way you come across, helping to defuse the situation and helping the employee keep his or her dignity.
3. Be direct.
Start the conversation off with your decision. Some managers try to ease into the news, thinking it will soften the blow. But then you’ll have the employee sitting there thinking they’re supposed to be defending themselves, when in fact you’re past that point. It’s unkind to make the employee think they can sway your opinion if they can’t, so let them know up front what decision you’ve made.
Lead off with something like: “This is a tough conversation to have. When we met several weeks ago, we discussed the fact that if you didn’t meet the benchmarks we laid out, we wouldn’t be able to keep you on. Unfortunately, although I know you have been trying, we’re now at that point and have decided to let you go. I know this is hard, and I want to do whatever I can to make it as easy as possible on you.”
4. Don’t lie about the reason for the firing.
Sometimes a manager will come up with a “cover story” for the firing, thinking the real reason will hurt the employee’s feelings. Sometimes a manager will use a cover story because he or she hasn’t been direct enough with the employee about the problems earlier and has avoided tough conversations about performance issues. Now that the person needs to be fired, the manager is in the position of explaining a decision the person had no warning of. (See #1 and don’t put yourself in this position, which is tremendously unfair to the employee. If a manager has problems with an employee that the employee doesn’t know about, the problem is with the manager.)
Do not under any circumstances lie. You may need to speak about the reason for the firing in the paperwork for the employee’s future unemployment claim or even in litigation — and if what you say doesn’t match what the employee was told, it will cause big problems.
5. Keep the conversation relatively short.
Don’t enter into a debate. Your decision is final, and while you hope the employee understands it, the time for back-and-forth is over. Let the employee know your decision and then cover logistics, like returning keys and other property, the final paycheck, COBRA, etc.
6. Know you’re going to be emotionally drained afterward.
There have been firings I’ve found easier than others — firing someone found to have chronically falsified timesheets wasn’t especially hard — but in general, firing someone is always emotionally difficult. It’s terrible news to deliver to someone. But being compassionate and treating the employee with respect, fairness, and dignity and knowing that you gave the employee ample warning and opportunity to improve will at least let you know that the meeting was better in your hands than it might have been in someone else’s.
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