weekend free-for-all – May 9-10, 2015

by Alison Green on May 9, 2015

Olive with ribbbon2This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly non-work only; if you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Book Recommendation of the Week: The Paying Guests, by Sarah Waters. I’m not going to spoil the story for you, but the descriptions of daily life in 1922 London are so vivid that I now feel like I have first-hand experience living in that time period. It’s won all kinds of awards, it’s fantastic, just read it.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

{ 1,107 comments }

{ 1,107 comments… read them below }

  1. Laura*

    Has anyone here had a go at studying French and Spanish?

    I have to choose one for my college studies next semester and am unsure which one to take. Which is easier/more useful to learn?

      1. Laura*

        I’m British….currently doing exchange in Australia, but need to pick subjects for when I return.

        1. Treena Kravm*

          Oh then it really doesn’t matter. Maybe watch a couple French/Spanish films or telenovelas, get a feel for it and go with your gut. Whatever you’re more interested in is a good sign.

      2. the gold digger*

        I have studied both languages. Spanish is way easier than French – similar grammar but it’s so much easier to pronounce Spanish than French. Once you learn Spanish, though, French will be pretty easy. (And Italian and Portuguese.)

        1. Ruffingit*

          This. I took two years of Spanish in high school and two years of French in college. Spanish was definitely easier.

        2. Jen RO*

          Then you can try Romanian! :D
          (No, don’t really – the Slavic, Turkish etc influences make it harder than the other Romance languages.)

        3. Adam*

          I did it backwards. I studied French for years in high school, and now can’t remember a blessed word of it. In college I took one course of Spanish before I graduated as I was about to go backpacking through Latin America. Generally it was easy to pick-up but my French training got in the way as I often spoke Spanish with a French accent (which my professor LOVED to point out) and if I didn’t know a Spanish word I’d often substitute a French one hoping it’d be close enough. :P

          1. blackcat*

            I also learned French many years before learning Spanish, resulting in a strange accent when I speak Spanish that is midway between American and French, yet with strong Columbian influences (because that’s where I spent a semester in college). I’ve been told it’s truly strange by many native spanish speakers.

            1. ptrish*

              Ha, I do the same in French–I have a American/Senegalese accent that French-French speakers find bizarre.

          2. Jen RO*

            I learned French in school (7 years), then forgot everything. Some years later I learned Spanish (I’m now fluent), then took classes to remember my French (I’m now semi-fluent). I can’t tell you how many times I try to say a French word and a Spanish one comes out!

    2. Treena Kravm*

      Generally, French is considered more difficult than Spanish, largely because of the pronunciation. Career-wise, if you’re in the social services/helping professions, Spanish. If you’re looking for a more global career or plan on working in Western Africa, then French.

      Are you planning on actually learning it fluently? If you’re just taking the minimum required to graduate, just go with whatever interests you more. There’s no point in choosing the more “useful” language if you’re not going to become fluent. Choose the language you’ll get the better grades in.

      1. Paige Turner*

        Agreed. If you’re not in the US, I don’t think one is significantly more useful than the other, anyway.

      2. the gold digger*

        Didn’t see what you wrote until after I posted. :)

        A friend was a Peace Corps volunteer in Chad. He learned French, but with an African accent. After he finished in Chad, he and another volunteer went to Paris. Every time they would speak French to each other, people would look around for the Africans and be really confused when they saw two white guys talking.

        1. Treena Kravm*

          Hah! That’s too funny. I’m kind of scared because I’m about to take 6 weeks of classes in Quebec and I’m worried it’ll ruin my accent. Oh well. =)

          1. the gold digger*

            I was traveling in France with a Belgian boyfriend. He pointed out that the people next to us were from Quebec. Even I could hear the difference once I started paying attention. :)

        2. DeLurkee*

          I studied Japanese for five years, became very fluent, and then found out from Japanese visitors that I speak it with a charming French accent. :S
          Thank you, my Japanese tutor who was of French nationality.

          1. Apollo Warbucks*

            My Glaswegian friend went to teach English in Thailand and had a class of thirty this kids who all spoke with the thickest Scottish accent.

    3. Paige Turner*

      I learned French, then later on took a few Spanish courses. As a native English speaker, I don’t think one is significantly easier than the other to learn (French grammar and pronunciation are slightly more complicated than Spanish). Spanish can be easier to learn because generally there are a lot more Spanish speakers around to practice with. One thing to consider is that because the US has lots of bilingual Spanish-English speakers, speaking French might be a little more impressive as a job skill if you can get to be proficient in speaking/writing, since it’s less common. If you live in an area with a really high amount of Spanish speakers, though, even moderate proficiency can be really helpful (especially in customer service or positions that interact with the general public). If you get really good at one of the two, the second one will be easier to pick up. Good luck :)

      1. the gold digger*

        I have gotten two jobs just because I speak Spanish -both jobs involved Latin America. When I lived in Miami, a recruiter asked why they should hire me when they could get so many native speakers. I pointed out that although my accent is not perfect, I have studied Spanish formally so not only do I read and write Spanish, I also speak proper Spanish. A lot of the people who learn it from their parents but don’t study it in school don’t necessarily speak proper Spanish and they don’t learn to read it.

      1. Jen RO*

        But why did you get that accent… why! (I mean, it sounds great, but it’s so difficult… and it’s probably even harder if you’re starting with English as a native language.)

          1. Jen RO*

            “You” as in the French people. “The accent” as in the one that no one can pronounce correctly :D The “r”s in particular…

    5. Sherm*

      I have been self-teaching French for about the last 5 years and have been enjoying it a lot! Learning it — any language, really — takes so much time, though. Despite near daily practice I’m nowhere near a pro. I have a cousin who has a PhD in Spanish and has lived in a Spanish speaking country for years, and she STILL says she does not speak as well as a local!

      So I agree with the previous poster who says just choose which language appeals to you the most if you just want to choose something for your courses. Classes won’t make you fluent.

      1. Marcela*

        Well, it’s very difficult to get to the local/native level. I’ve been in the US for 5 years. When I arrived I could decently write and speak English, now I can even work in a fully English environment, but I’m nowhere near what I would call a very good level.

      2. Jen RO*

        Depends on the classes – OP, I highly recommend taking classes in a foreign language institute, if you have access to one. I definitely became fluent in Spanish after 3 years in the Cervantes institute (and can still hold a conversation 10 years after those classes). The equivalent for French is the Institut Francais. Both have a presence in the UK.

    6. Apollo Warbucks*

      Yes I’m trying to learn some Spanish now not having learnt any at school and much prefer it to French and I’ve managed to pick up more Spanish independently in a few months than I did french learning at school.

      Whatever you decide check out coffee break Spanish or coffee break french on iTunes they’re great pod casts that have a great style of teaching and they are free!

    7. katamia*

      They’re about equally hard for native English speakers overall. French is much harder to spell, though–it has a TON of silent letters, which can be really hard for people who have spelling difficulties (not saying you do, but I’m a fantastic speller in English, learned how to read Devanagari in a week, and am now in the process of learning Chinese, and I STILL can’t spell to save my life in French). French also has more vocabulary in common with English than Spanish does. In general, if you’re in the US, Spanish is more useful unless you’re studying Africa or the Middle East–there are a lot of French speakers there, so knowing French would be helpful. (Or if you’re studying France, but I’m assuming you’re not otherwise you wouldn’t have asked this question, lol.)

      Are you more interested in French or Spanish/Latin American culture? Because as far as motivation goes, being interested in the culture makes a HUGE difference in how much you’re going to want to spend time memorizing vocab words, reading your textbooks, etc., and therefore in how well you learn the language. For native English speakers, there really isn’t a huge difference in difficulty. There are certain things that might be more difficult for certain people (like spelling) in one or the other, but it’s not really a significant difference IMO. They’re both significantly easier for native English speakers than, say, Arabic or Japanese.

      2. Clever Name*

        Heh. I’m a bad speller in English (my native tongue) but a good speller in French. (And Latin…)

    8. Not Fiona*

      Way more people in the world speak Spanish than French, no question. But being in Britain you may encounter more use for French.

    9. Spanissssh*

      That’s sort of an easy one–I can count on one hand the number of job postings requiring French but several seek Spanish speaking applicants.

      1. Katie*

        In the US, that’s true. But OP is British, where there is much more need for French than in the US.

    10. Elsajeni*

      I’m guessing you’re not in one of these fields or you would probably already have been advised this way by your professors, but: if you’re studying art history, archaeology, or certain other humanities fields, French (and/or German) will be more useful to you than Spanish because much of the scholarship in those fields is in those languages. Otherwise, I’d just pick based on what seems more interesting or easier to you.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I took French for fun, and once I got to the advanced French classes, there were a lot of international business majors in there, because they were required to take French through Advanced II. If a particular language is required for a major, though, you’d know it up front.

      2. Meadowsweet*

        seconding this
        I’d’ve found better French useful in many of my literature classes too

    11. NBF*

      Given that you’re currently studying abroad, you obviously have at least some inkling to see other parts of the world, so I would base your choice on what would be most useful to you in places you want to visit someday. College classes are not going to make you fluent or even be very helpful in employment prospects. But knowing a few phrases and basic grammar when you travel can be very helpful. So if you see yourself travelling to Spain or Central/South America then choose Spanish, or if its France, parts of Africa, or french Canada, then go with french. Or if you’re a south east Asia type of person, then flip a coin I guess.

    13. Editrix*

      They are replacing French with Spanish in UK primary schools because it’s easier, especially because of the spelling.
      If you don’t have a concrete future use in mind, why not just pick the place you are more likely to holiday in in the future?
      Obviously Spanish is more of a global language than French, which is currently dying as the language of diplomacy.
      It’s very hard to predict which languages will work for you in the future. I learnt German and Italian and became fluent, only to end up working for the UN, for which neither is any use.

    14. Artemesia*

      Imagine your future life. I speak German and tried to learn Italian but my heart is in Paris and how I wish I had learned French.

      If you live in the US you should study Spanish because it will be of practical value, perhaps professionally, but if you plan to spend a month in Paris each year for the rest of your life as I do well then think about French.

    15. AdjunctGal*

      I’m biased, but I was a Spanish major, and I have found it very useful over the years in various jobs.

    16. Nelle Jefe*

      I’ve studied both at different times of my life. Spanish is (in my experience) more useful if you are looking at jobs just within the US.

      If you have a desire to work internationally, French is pretty useful if you are in a field that could take you to Africa. Spanish is obviously great for most of Latin America. Either one probably works well in a lot of other international contexts (I’m better at Spanish, and it has come in handy while travelling in Jamaica and India, strangely enough; my smattering of very bad Russian was also useful in India). I have no idea about general European contexts — I’d expect both would be equally useful, outside of France and Spain.

      But it really depends on what you want to do with it, and where you live. They are pretty similar languages overall. I think it is probably more important that you know languages in addition to English than which languages you know. Even if you speak badly, it can be an enormous ice-breaker. If you are conversant in more than one language, the barrier is lower for you to learn other languages.

      So maybe you should learn both, is what I’m saying. I live in the southwestern US, and Spanish is by far the most practical language besides English I know, but I’ve also gotten huge returns for a minimal investment in learning a few things in Russian, Tohono O’odham, and Hindi. Learning languages isn’t just a matter of objective significance — it is also a way of showing respect to others. If you commit to using a language, even if you struggle and sound ridiculous, you will get to meet and befriend people you would have never otherwise have known. People will respect you for trying (for the most part — this is probably more true the more unusual the language is in your context). This can be an awesome way to network. So learn some Spanish, some French, maybe German, on pure academic principals. Also look around at your friends and contacts and see whether there are other languages you could learn that would put you into closer contact with people they know. Then start learning those languages to the best of your ability.

    17. ptrish*

      The pronunciation difficulties of French mostly refer to *Parisian* French, less so to the accent that French people outside of Paris have. And the French spoken in West Africa is pretty easy to understand–rolled Rs instead of the guttural R. I’m an American, native English speaker, and close to fluent in French, which I learned in college, in Paris, and in Senegal. It took 3-4 years, some of which was intensive study but some breaks in classes, to get to fluent, and I generally pick up languages quickly. I’m not sure how that would compare to Spanish.

      Honestly, if you’re just going to take a semester or two, I’d pick based on the instructor–I needed to learn French for my field (African history) so I didn’t quit, but a couple of instructors drove me close.

    18. Melissa*

      I’ve had a go at both. In the U.S., Spanish is both easier and more useful. (French is pretty easy too, but a lot of things are not pronounced the way they are spelled. In Spanish, once you learn the pronunciation rules, pretty much everything follows them. And conjugation is easier.)

  2. Treena Kravm*

    Any suggestions for fun stuff in New Orleans in a couple of weeks? I’m already planning on French Quarter, City Park, a couple of museums I’m interested in, but would love to hear suggestions.

    I’ve been trying to research this, but sort of at a a loss. I’m looking for a museum/tour to learn more about New Orleans voodoo, but I don’t want a campy theatrical thing, I want a more academic experience. I’ve read extensively on Haitian voodoo and want to compare/contrast. But I also don’t want it to all go over my husband’s head (who doesn’t know anything about voodoo).

    2. #81D8D0*

      I haven’t visited New Orleans since 2009, but just wandering the rebuilt downtown area was lots of fun.

      A streetcar ride down St. Charles Avenue at night is fun and romantic.

      The Camellia Grill was pretty awesome 25+ years ago. Although some people may object to certain aspects of the “Old South” ambience.

      Not a clue about Louisiana Vodoun. I’d leave it alone. I’m far from the most spiritual person you’d ever meet, and I simply don’t believe in most of this stuff – but there have been maybe three times in my life when I felt like I was in the presence of tangible, scary-ass evil. And one of those times was getting my cards read “for fun” at this skeevy dive off of NE Bourbon Street circa 1986. And it was like noon.

      1. Treena Kravm*

        Oh, is it Vodoun in New Orleans as well? Everything I read the spelling was voodoo or vudoo, so I just assumed Vodoun was the Haitian spelling. I guess that’s a good screening tool to use while I continue my research.

        2. Cripes!Jinkies!*

          Vodoun is a more accurate “traditional” spelling, but the New Orleans flavor is almost always referred to as voodoo. Which is itself largely inaccurate; voodoo is a religious practice, and 99% of what you will encounter as “New Orleans VooDoo” is actually a hodgepodge of AfroCarib and Native American Folk magic– the appropriate term for which is HooDoo, also known as Conjure.

          It’s a pretty fascinating subject. If you want a lot more authentic, researched information, just google the Lucky Mojo Curio company, headed by Catherine Yronwode.

          1. Treena Kravm*

            So when I google the Lucky Mojo Curio company, all I get is a place in California, is that what you meant? Or is there another one in New Orleans? I added on “new orleans” to the search and it didn’t turn up anything else.

            1. Cripes!Jinkies!*

              It’s the place in California– sorry if I made you think it was a New Orleans business.

              The owner of that business is very knowledgeable and has several excellent books on the subject, if you are interested. Her stuff is also pretty exhaustively researched, not your typical New Age WooWoo fest. :)

      2. Connie-Lynne*

        The Camellia Grill is still AMAZING for breakfast. They have two locations now, the old one at the streetcar turnaround and a new one down in the quarter.

        Treena Kravm, it’s basically the best diner food ever. Not fancy, definitely not light, but solidly satisfying.

      1. Treena Kravm*

        Can you help me understand how they’re different? From what I’ve read, I’m still not getting why it’s worth it.

        1. PurpleGerber*

          I did the cemetery tour and found it really interesting. The graves are all above ground because of the water level, there’s many family crypts, dating back generations, ornate statues, very gothic in general. The tour guide was great in explaining history/background on things. I would try not to go on a hot day as they’re paved in asphalt and it gets hot!!

      2. Solarbuggy*

        Keep in mind that the cemeteries have specific closing times & days! Same goes for government buildings/museums and religious landmarks!

    4. Noelle*

      The aquarium is pretty cool. They have sea otters, some sharks, and a lot of local animals (including a white alligator). I went a few years ago and it was one of the highlights of my trip.

    5. Jubilance*

      I was just in New Orleans for my mini-moon and I had a blast. In case you don’t have your lodging figured out yet, I highly recommend The Canal Street Inn – it’s a B&B on Canal Street about a mile from the French Quarter, and right on the Red streetcar line.

      For things to do, I think riding the Red & Green streetcar lines would be good, to get a view of the city. Also check out Congo Square on a Sunday if you can – during slavery the slaves would congregate there on their 1 day off and drum, and there are drum circles that still get together there. I liked the Aquarium so check that out too if it’s not on your list.

      1. PurpleGerber*

        If you’re interested in going outside New Orleans a bit, you could also look into a plantation tour or swamp boat tour?

        1. Treena Kravm*

          I was looking at those too, thinking about a swamp tour, but the plantation tours seem a little sketchy…The ones I looked at were all owned + operated by the descendants of the original owners? Am I just being an uptight Yankee or is that really gross?

          1. Lore*

            There was a feature in the New York Times earlier this year about a plantation that specifically addresses the history of slavery. It’s the Whitney something (and I’m on my phone so I can’t post the link but if you search NY Times and Whitney plantation you should get it).

          2. brightstar*

            Do you like beer? If you want to venture outside of NOLA there are a lot of breweries on the Northshore. There’s no official tour but a quick drive over the Causeway and you go to the Abita Brewery in Abita Springs (they have a tap room and restaurant) and in Covington is the Covington Brewery. In Mandeville (5 miles from Covington and closer to the Causeway) is Chafunkta Brewery and one at the Old Trail Head near Lake Ponchartrain.

          3. LD*

            It’s your call whether or not you feel comfortable. Those old plantations were built on the backs of slaves, and so I completely get that it’s not something you’d want to support. Another way to look at it is that it is history and there are other historical venues that memorialize events and times that were less than honorable or even downright evil. Personally, I would go. And depending upon my experience, I’d make a donation to a local organization that supports the disadvantaged or the rebuilding efforts. If you still feel too uncomfortable, that’s reason enough to find another activity. Hope you have a great experience!

          4. Stephanie*

            Eh, both. I think it’s gross when plantations and slavery are romanticized. I went to Mt. Vernon and rolled my eyes when the tour guide said Washington was “good to his slaves.” Another time, my mom and I were on a road trip and thought about visiting Monticello (we ended up not having time). The (white) docent was like “Oh, you ladies HAVE to see the newly restored slave quarters.” My mom was like “Er, I think we’re good.”

            That being said, I think it’s important to visit places like that and get an accurate picture of history. It’s impossible to ignore that a lot of Southern cities were built on slave labor.

            I went to the Museum of the Confederacy and was prepared for it to be terrible and insensitive and it was actually very well done.

            1. Treena Kravm*

              Yes! Thank you for articulating it when I couldn’t. It’s not that I want to shy away from the entire topic, but the few that I looked at boasted about how the current owner was a 6th generation descendent of the original owners. And while that’s nice and all, it’s sort of blech to be directly profiting from it. Thanks to LisaLee, I found this tour that seems much more something I’d be interested in financially supporting.

              http://www.tourneworleans.com/plant_set.html

            2. fposte*

              The Charleston Museum does a really good job with that history, too. I went with a local friend who’d never been and she was really startled by how well done it was.

              So maybe check TripAdvisor to see whether it’s a place that does it reasonably well or if it’s a place that wants to live Gone with the Wind?

    7. BRR*

      Search for ghost tours. The world war 2 museum is supposed to be great. Have a hurricane at pat o Briens in the courtyard.

    8. CrazyCatLady*

      Audubon park, streetcar down St Charles, and a swamp tour (way more fascinating than it sounds). One of my favorite cities!

    9. Editrix*

      Brunch at the Court of the Two Sisters.
      Second vote for the cemeteries.
      Otherwise, you can spend hours just walking around listening to the music in the evening.

    10. Solarbuggy*

      Nola has excellent free walking tours! I highly recommend them. Just google “free walking tours New Orleans!” They’re free so all you pay is the tip to the tour guide.
      I visited the voodoo museum while I was in Nola. It was educational and had the option of touring a cemetery with the voodoo priestess who owns? The museum. Very cool and I’m sure your husband would not feel overwhelmed!

    11. brightstar*

      A side note on the WWII museum, it’s huge.

      You might want to look into going Uptown, it’s a short trolley ride from the Quarter. If you go on Oak or Maple Street there are some cool restaurants and bars.

      For other ideas of what’s going onwhile you’re in town, you might want to check out http://www.bestofneworleans.com

    12. Christina*

      I went there for the first time in January this year and was only there for a day, but I absolutely fell in love with it. You understand why the whole city is built on music and food. I wrote a post on my blog about my trip with some great places to eat and thing to do (and things not to do. Pat O’briens hurricanes? Basically red dye 40, sugar, and a killer hangover. Go for the show there but skip the drink.) I’ll put the link in a follow up comment so this didn’t get stuck in moderation.

      Not sure how long you’ll be there, but my suggestions would be these:
      -Eat. Everything. Especially oysters. And if they’re still in season, crawfish. And beignets (don’t wear black while eating these. And get a chicory coffee/cafe at pair to go with it). And Pimms Cups (I like mine with ginger beer vs lemonade).
      – Avoid Bourbon street. It’s touristy as hell, expensive, filled with drunk tourists, and just meh. Walk through it just to see it, but better to go to…
      – Faubourg Marigny. The locals version of Bourbon St. for music, food, and drinking. Go to the Spotted Cat or The Three Muses for a show (even better if The Shotgun Jazz Band is playing). Or just wander in and out of places. The great thing about the music scene is it’s EVERYWHERE and cheap–most places don’t have a cover, you just tip the band if you like them.
      – Magazine Street (for wandering, eating, drinking, shopping) and the Garden District (for beautiful houses) were two places I wish I had spent more time. Magazine Street is much more locals than the French Quarter, and very cool. And Casamentos is SO GOOD.
      – The cemeteries are cool, I went to the one where Marie LaVou is buried because my friend wanted to see it, but you don’t have to spend a lot of time or even go if you’re not interested. Personally I would have rather spent the time walking in the Garden District.
      – Just wander. It’s great to walk along the river, stop for half an hour to listen to a street musician, hang out in the park by the church (I forget the name but you can’t miss it). Check out the French market for amazing food there’s an oyster stand that’s awesome).
      – Have fun!!

    14. Awful Waffle*

      I visited about a year and a half ago for a work trip. The food is fantastic, but don’t try to eat anything semi-healthy because it’s not possible there. ;)

      I loved the Camelia Grill (as another poster mentioned) for lunch. I also recommend Criollo in Hotel Monteleone (sp?) for a nicer dinner. The turtle soup and duck is fantastic! Hotel Monteleone is the same place with the famous Carousel Bar. It’s in the French Quarter.

    15. Lillie Lane*

      Strongly recommend fitting in a Preservation Hall Jazz concert. You’ll never forget it. All the guys in the band are awesome.

    16. Laura Beth*

      Just a heads up on the St. Charles streetcar line (runs Uptown, is green) – they’re about to start some (MORE!!! arrrrrghhh) construction on part of the line in the middle, so you have to transfer to a bus for those blocks. So you’ll want to factor that in. There is a ton of construction going on Uptown right now as well, as they install new drainage systems, so if you drive up there, be prepared for detours.

      I highly recommend Magazine Street, agree that Bourbon St. is way, way overrated, and strongly suggest the beignets (I had to go gluten-free a few years ago, and really miss these). I really enjoy El Gato Negro on the edge of the Quarter for pineapple cilantro margaritas, followed by a walk by the river, but I am simple in my tastes :). Whatever you do, you should have an awesome time!!

  3. Paige Turner*

    I’m trying to bring healthier food to work for lunch- any suggestions on dishes/sides that I can make ahead and freeze that are made with fruits and/or veggies? Most of the freezer-friendly meals I can think of are mostly carbs and/or cheese like lasagna.

    1. Stephanie*

      I really like grain or bean salads, if you’re ok with cold food at lunch. I don’t know if those would freeze well, but you can make a large quantity at the beginning of the week. I’ll link to a salad cookbook I like in a reply. I also like lentil soups (I did burn myself out on lentils at one point, though).

      2. Paige Turner*

        I have burned myself on lentils many times :) Refrigerated, not frozen, food would be fine as long as it keeps for a few days. Thanks in advance for the link!

        1. Paige Turner*

          Ha I totally misread your comment…I have burned myself with lentils but fortunately am not burned out on them yet!

          1. Stephanie*

            Day 0: I buy a giant bag of lentils from the bulk bin and make a salad.
            Day 1: “These are delicious! And filling! And healthy! I feel so clean and refreshed, especially pairing this with a Fage! This must be what Deepak Chopra feels like!”
            Day 2: “Mmm, these are delicious. And wow, this salad holds up well in the fridge. I still feel clean and refreshed.”
            Day 3: “Still tasty, but maybe I should have squirted a little lemon juice on this to brighten it up.”
            Day 4: “Man, In-N-Out looked kind of good. It’s right by my job…and the food would be warm. Red meat’s high in B12. I’m sometimes anemic. I need B12. So a burger wouldn’t be that bad, right? And I had lentils the last three days, so it’s ok if I get a Double-Double today. No no, you’re on a budget. Just eat the lentils again.”
            Day 5: “Kill it. Kill it with fire.”
            Day 6: Half of salad gets dumped into the trash.

              2. Stephanie*

                There’s a red lentil soup I just kind of wing. I sautee onions, celery, carrots, and garlic in some olive oil (I add the garlic last so it doesn’t burn), throw in some cumin, coriander, and chilis (usually ancho since those are flavorful and not too spicy), add some chicken stock and the lentils and bring to a boil and then let simmer. I usually puree it and add lemon, salt, and pepper to taste.

                I’ve made this: http://traceymillerwellness.com/wellness/lentil-salad-with-maple-balsamic-vinaigrette/

                Also: http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2011/12/french-lentil-salad.html

                And also: http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2014/04/french-lentil-salad-with-goat-cheese-and-walnuts-from-my-paris-kitchen.html

                And I’ve made dal a few times.

                And if I’m just *really* lazy and/or broke, I’ve done this (http://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-cook-dried-lentils-on-the-stovetop-cooking-lessons-from-the-kitchn-116321) with whatever herbs happen to be in my fridge.

            2. Noelle*

              Oh God, I know that feeling. A bag of lentils expands into SO. MANY. LENTILS. Once I made soup and even when I froze half of it, I was still eating it for two weeks. Although I’ve had more success with just making plain lentils and then microwaving it with a piece of cheese on top. It’s sort of like a lentil burger, but lazier.

            3. Tris Prior*

              hahaha, I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who has had this experience with lentils. SO. Many. Lentils.

              For me, Day 6 = Put the remaining onslaught of lentils into plastic containers and stick them in the freezer, because surely you’ll crave lentils again or be in need of an emergency meal after a late night. Forget about them for 6 months. Boyfriend tosses them after he realizes this is why we have nothing left to store food in..

            5. kd*

              When I cook dried beans, I either make half a bag or now I have found making the whole bag more time saving. I use a pressure cooker and then freeze half or more in whatever size containers I think would be handy. 1 cup, 2, cup, etc. Spoon the beans into the container, cover with the leftover juice from cooking and freeze. Leave some good head space or the liquid will expand and pop the top.
              This way I have enough for a couple of days and don’t get burned out on eating them everyday…works for me anyway. If I get to that crucial Day 4: In-N-Out stage I’m doomed.

      3. salad fingers*

        Yeah, I’m a big fan of frozen veggie curries and lentils. And soups — good, easy way to get your veggies.

        That said, I suck at bringing lunch to work consistently, so I’m all ears on this thread. My dream job would be one that serves its employees lunch, and lunch would be the Whole Foods salad bar, minus the inexplicably bland hot bar. I hate planning out my lunch (and the inexplicably bland hot bar at Whole Foods).

        1. Stephanie*

          Oh, the Whole Foods hot bar. Oh, the Whole Foods hot bar. I used to work next door to a Whole Foods and got many $12 bland meals from that hot bar. I don’t get why it’s so bland! The food all looks nice, it just tastes like nothing.

          1. salad fingers*

            Seriously. I work next to a Whole Foods now and I cannot tell you how many “never again” conversations coworkers and I have had about this. I suspect the blandness is to accommodate food allergies or salt concerns (?) but I know that I go easy on salt and fat and whatever else when I cook, and my black bean enchiladas somehow manage to not taste like weirdly diced tomato watery nothingness. And they’re not $12 either.

            Also I once found a looong peice of poultry twine in my vegetarian breakfast burrito (*yawn* what is this chewy, ropy texture? Oh! *pulls twine as long as my arm out of mouth and rest of breakfast burrito*) and was so skeeved out I didn’t go back for months. Love/hate relationship with close proximity to Whole Foods.

            1. Stephanie*

              My guess was just to appeal to as broad as a group as possible. I know plenty of people don’t like spicy food, find cilantro soapy, etc. But you can season things without it tasting like it’s full of ghost peppers.

              It’s like Chipotle. I am baffled how the advertising goes on and on about high-quality ingredients, yet the food is kind of bland and medicore. (Yeah. Gauntlet thrown.)

              1. salad fingers*

                Ashamed to say it but I think I like Chipotle. Seems wrong to admit when you live in a city so replete with tasty Mexican food, and I’ve only been there a couple of times, but it’s tasted pretty decent to me. I’ve always been a veggie when eating there though — is it the meat options there that are blah?

                1. Stephanie*

                  I don’t know what it is, just every combo I’ve gotten tastes like generic spicy. I don’t think it’s horrible and if I’m going to go for fast food, it makes me hate myself a tad less (because there’s a little bit of romaine) than going to a McDonald’s, but eh. But then I also live in an area where there are better burritos everywhere.

          2. Justine*

            I work at a Whole Foods and I bag my lunch because our food is so bland, even though I get a discount. A lot of it is due to not having enough salt or oil in an effort to make “healthy” dishes. :/

            1. salad fingers*

              Confirmation from inside — I feel validated, Justine. Do you guys get a great employee discount? Seems like that would be a huge perk.

              1. Justine*

                The discount starts at 20% and then they offer up to 30% based on a voluntary biometrics test. If you don’t smoke you get an additional 2%, and then if your BMI, cholesterol, etc. ratings are good you get 2% more until you get 30%. It is a huge perk, although I only buy certain things there that are of exceptional quality (like the meat and seafood, and some of the produce) and do the rest of my shopping elsewhere.

                I’m not sure how our food ends up so flavorless either. Not everything we make is low sodium, but sometime they recipes are just ehhh… I think a lot of the recipes are missing that extra something. Or the flavor degrades the longer the food sits out there. Many of our recipes are sent to us from corporate, and many people in corporate eat specific diets like raw veganism and seem to have tastebuds that are… um… off. One time they sent us a recipe for vegan mac n cheese made with whole wheat pasta, almond milk, vegan cheese, and grated cauliflower. It was horrifying. The customers hated it, all the cooks hated it (our cooks are fantastic but they can’t just cook whatever they want), but corporate said we *had* to have it available. So we made it. And threw it out when it didn’t sell. :/

                1. Neruda*

                  It’s interesting that you say that about the taste buds of the people in corporate. My friend became vegan about a year ago and will tell you her taste has totally changed. One day she told me she ate a plain baked sweet potato and said it was incredible. She says that when you take a lot of the ‘extras’ out of your diet even bland foods seem amazing. Good for her but I’m not turning vegan any time. I love cheese too much.

                2. fposte*

                  Wow, that’s really interesting that your discount gets greater if you meet health metrics.

                3. Stephanie*

                  I haven’t found a vegan mac and cheese yet that I like. Something about the texture of the vegan cheese is too off. I found an *ok* version at a vegan soul food place, but they put a ton of garlic in it to compensate. I love garlic (I have finished off a jar of pickled garlic before), but it was too much even for me.

                4. salad fingers*

                  I agree, fposte. How does this work in practice? Are tests are done in-house? How frequently? Is the traditional bmi test used, or the hip waist ratio one? Who has access to your info? Do people like this policy? A lot of things to ask my favorite pizza station guy when I see him next.

                5. Stephanie*

                  Yeah, the BMI as a criterion is interesting as it’s a crude metric. There are definitely ethnic disparities with BMI (black people are more likely to be overweight/obese using the formula and Asians are more likely to be underweight) and it isn’t in your favor at all if you’re muscular. My BMI says I should be in a hoveround, but I wear straight-sized clothing. Seems like body fat percentage might be a better measure.

                7. Justine*

                  I can’t seem to reply to comments that are further in this thread, so I’ll reply here.

                  Salad fingers:
                  Tests are done at our workplace by a third party once a year. (The discount is good for one year.) They use BMI and Waist to Hip ratio and go with whichever one is more favorable. They also do a blood test to see if you smoke, check your blood pressure, check your cholesterol and check your glucose levels (I think.)

                  I’m not sure who has access to the info. They do provide that information, I just forget because it’s been awhile and I personally don’t care that much (although I understand why someone would.)

                  Stephanie and salad fingers:

                  I haven’t really asked my co-workers what they think about it, but I did have a discussion about it with one and we agreed that using BMI is not a good measure of health. Because he is a very muscular guy who is also on the shorter side, his BMI measurement is not favorable and he can only get a 28% discount. Yet, many of the very short, slim women of asian descent get the full discount. I got the full discount, but only because my waist/height ratio was more favorable than my BMI. I am white, 5’5.5″ and weigh 150 pounds, but I am also very strong and fit.

                  When I first heard about the policy I felt weird about it, because in a roundabout way it’s punishing people who are unhealthy, and they may be unhealthy for reasons beyond their control. Well, I suppose it’s not punishing them if everyone starts with the same discount, I suppose, but I still feel weird about it.

                  Ultimately, it’s about Whole Foods promoting its philosophy that eating better will lead to better health, which is of course only partially true and depends on many other factors.

                  Incidentally, there are at least two employees here who are vegans that survived cancer, and attribute their surviving cancer to veganism.

          3. Mallory Janis Ian*

            This makes me really appreciate the hot foods bar at our local natural foods co-op. They weigh your plate and charge by the ounce, no matter what you get from the bar. And the food is good and nicely-seasoned. I can usually eat for around $8 plus the cost of a Blue Sky stevia-sweetened soda (LOVE that, because I was using about 120 calories on a regular Blue Sky soda).

            We’re getting a Whole Foods pretty soon (it’s under construction right now just a few blocks from the co-op) but I’m not very excited about it because we already have overpriced natural foods. Now, if something cheaper and still good, such as Trader Joes, came in, then i’d be excited.

            1. Justine*

              That sounds lovely! Our hot bar is 8.99/lb but the only good thing they serve is fried chicken, and I don’t want to eat that day in and day out, hehe. I do wish I saw more local/smaller chain grocers around- they are so important :(

        2. Connie-Lynne*

          I’m in SF tech, so this is essentially what we get. We get to pick our lunch in the morning and then it’s delivered in the afternoon. It helps me make a healthy choice.

          I’m not sure if the huge amount of food delivery services like EatClub, Spoonrocket, Caviar, etc is a Bay Area thing or all over the country yet, but I recommend looking into it if it’s in your area. While I can and have made my own healthy lunches to bring, I’m more likely to stay with it when I can just go on a website in the morning and say, “the healthy tasty thing! Please bring it to me for lunch!”

    2. Treena Kravm*

      I don’t really try to bring “dishes,” but rather snacks. Cut up crudite/hummus and whole fruit along with cheese and crackers portioned out.

      1. Nashira*

        Add some crackers or pita bread, an ounce of cheese, and possibly some olives and hummus/crudite becomes a full meal. When my innards behave, this is my default lunch.

      2. Katie the Fed*

        I do this for lunches. I make a batch of hummus each week (if you’re not making your own hummus you totally should. Very easy and you can make it hearthier) and divide it into small baby food containers. I bring in that and cucumbers for snacks

    3. danr*

      Buy different lettuces and some other salad fixings and make a salad every day using leftovers . I used a better balsamic vinegar as my dressing. Experiment a bit and you’ll never be bored and will be healthy.

    4. Justine*

      Right now I’m making vegetable and hummus wraps for lunch. I include a generous amount of hummus and avocado (to give the wrap enough fat and flavour), and then spinach or spring mix and thinly sliced bell peppers, cucumbers, carrots, tomatoes, or whatever veggies catch my fancy.

      To ensure they stay fresh, I mash the avocado with salt and lemon juice so it doesn’t brown, and I don’t slice the wraps ahead of time (which would expose the veggies to air and oxidize them more. Then I wrap them in seran wrap and put them in a ziploc bag.

      1. brightstar*

        I read this before going grocery shopping and plan on doing this during the week. Minus the avacado.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I sometimes throw an avocado and some sprouted wheat bread into my lunchbox and have avocado toast for lunch. Sprinkle Old Bay seasoning and kosher salt–mmm mmm. I don’t slice the avocado until I’m ready to eat it. Works great when I’m in a hurry in the morning and forgot to pack up leftovers.

    5. Amber Rose*

      Guacamole freezes like a dream. I make up a big batch and freeze it in quarter cup portions and eat it with table water crackers.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Wait, what? Does it? I am now in a routine of making three separate batches of guacamole each weekend, so that we have fresh guacamole each night (um, we have a taco obsession) because I hate the mushier texture of next-day guacamole. Talk to me about the texture after freezing and thawing — does it taste fresh? And how are you thawing — in fridge overnight, in microwave, something else? I need all the details on this.

        2. Amber Rose*

          Yeah, one of the first things I Googled was whether I could freeze it.

          Typically what I do is split it up and freeze it in quarter cup portions like I said. I try to use slightly wider shallower tupperware and spread it over the bottom so it defrosts faster and evenly. If you have a lump of guacamole, then you have a lump of ice and the center takes too long to soften while the outside goes gross.

          I take it out of the freezer and put it in the fridge the night before I want to eat it around 9pm, and bring it to work. By noon, it’s all soft but still ice cold. The outside darkens, so I give it a quick stir with a fork and it’s all good. If it stays cold, the texture isn’t affected. I imagine if you let it warm to fridge temperature it would be mushy.

        3. Connie-Lynne*

          I don’t like what happens, texture-wise, when guac freezes. I’ve gotten very good at keeping it good in the fridge for a week (if it isn’t devoured faster).

          I put it in tupperware and then smooth the surface. Then I put lime juice on top. I cover this with plastic wrap, smoothing out any air bubbles and making sure there’s no guac exposed to air. This usually means the plastic wrap goes up the sides and overhangs the lip of the container. Finally I fix the lid in place.

          I rarely get any browning storing guacamole this way. It works for cut avocado halves, too.

          1. Coach Devie*

            I’m actually ready to try this. Guac never lasts long enough to store for me, but I am about to try pre-prepping meals for 4 days at a time and I love avocado and guac but I have this fear of the brown, so I always consume right away (thus I am careful to only make what I will eat in that sitting)

            I was thinking lime juice (should have same effect as lemons with fruit no? but taste better since lime is already used!) should work. Glad to read a first-hand account.

            1. Connie-Lynne*

              Yay! I will mention the plastic wrap is also key — with just lime, you’ll get a small amount of brown.

    6. Cath in Canada*

      I get up a bit early on Mondays and roast a select of veggies – some kind of squash, peppers, eggplant, zucchini, carrots, cauliflower – and sometimes steam some broccoli or green beans. I do a different combination of four veggies, in a range of colours, each time. Minimal prep time: all you have to do is set timers to make sure everything gets cooked for the right amount of time, while you do other things. So start with the squash, then throw it in the oven and start preparing everything else. 10 minutes later throw the carrots in, 10 minutes after that throw the peppers in, then leave for 20 minutes. I divide it into four portions and take one per day to work. I microwave it at lunch time, and throw on some goat or hard cheese, pumpkin seeds, and a dash of soy and/or tabasco (I keep all the add-ons at work). The biggest hassle is the cooling down time between cooking it and portioning it out.

    7. misspiggy*

      Chilli is a good one, especially if you bulk out the beef with finely chopped mushrooms. It has beans, peppers and tomatoes (and the onion), plus I like to add tinned sweetcorn. Great microwaved and dumped on a toasted bagel.

      1. salad fingers*

        Love the variety of things people put chili on – bagel is a new one for me :-)

    8. Noelle*

      I make cauliflower fried “rice” a lot. It’s nice because you can add any vegetables you want, and flavor it with whatever you have on hand. There are a ton of recipes for it, but basically you just grate up cauliflower or put it in a food processor until it gets crumbly. I made it this weekend with peas, carrots, onions, peppers, and scrambled eggs and it was delicious. I haven’t frozen it (and cauliflower doesn’t hold up in the freezer for very long, unfortunately), but it lasts at least a week in the fridge.

      1. Sunflower*

        Second this! I just made this last week. Also if you cook with coconut oil it gives it amazing flavor.

        I’m experimenting a lot with trying to sub in caulflower for cabs. Some things have gone well, others not so much. This one is a winner though.

        1. Noelle*

          Yeah, I’ve been trying to cut down on carbs because my fiance can’t eat gluten. I like cauliflower as a substitute for rice, and as a pizza crust it’s tolerable but not really the same. In general I try to think of it as a tasty vegetable, and not as an actual viable substitute, and it’s less disappointing that way.

      2. Persephone Mulberry*

        I finally gave this a try earlier this week and was amazed at how good it was (I don’t care for raw cauliflower). I did it up fried rice style and the husband didn’t even realize it wasn’t real rice until I told him.

        1. Noelle*

          I had leftover cauliflower rice for lunch today. It reheats pretty well! Once the flavoring is absorbed I can’t really tell it’s not rice either.

    9. Sunflower*

      I enjoy egg white and avocado salad- no mayo. I eat edamame a lot as well.

    10. Judy*

      Not make ahead and freeze, but make ahead and refrigerate. I’ve been taking mason jar salads to work for the past few months. You can make them on Sunday and eat them all week. There are plenty of recipes around the internet, I’ve gotten quite a few from organizeyourselfskinny website.

    11. INTP*

      I like a warm, hearty lunch (prefer for lunch to be the largest meal of the day) so I like to make things like enchiladas or lasagna, but with a lot of veggies. Vegetarian Times has a recipe for Kale Lasagna Diavalo that I like, and you can add many types of veggies in addition to or instead of the kale. For enchiladas I like black bean filling with either mushrooms or butternut squash. There is also a recipe for quinoa eggplant parm casserole I really like on a blog called The Iron You (I add mozzarella on top but that’s optional). Then keep washed leafy greens or roasted veggies in your fridge every week, and you can quickly add more veggies on the side.

      1. Connie-Lynne*

        I do like something warm at lunch occasionally. I discovered that turkey meatballs are really satisfying. I’ll make em on the weekend, freeze out portions, and then eat them over salad or cooked veggies.

    12. LD*

      Google quinoa confetti salad. You’ll get lots of options. It’s a cold salad dish. The one’s I’ve tried use rice wine vinegar so it has a sweeter flavor. It’s delicious and the leftovers are great, too. It’s typically a side dish but would work as a main dish if you add chopped chicken.

    14. Jack K*

      Freezing is great for beans, lentils, and potatoes, but I find it damages the texture of fresh vegetables. Salads/crudites with a dressing packed separately, fresh fruits, leftover roast vegetables, blanched veggies, and refrigerator pickles are all quick to make and travel well. Refrigerator pickles are great, because unlike most leftovers, they taste better each time you eat them.

  4. Colleen*

    I agree with you, Alison, about “The Paying Guests.” It was a wonderfully vivid book. I enjoyed it immensely.

      1. AmyNYC*

        I think it may have been too built up by great review for me. I read it and kept thinking “this is the book everyone went CRAZY for?”

    2. Margali*

      I was disappointed by the book. The Little Stranger and Fingersmith were MUCH better, I thought. The Little Stranger was #2 on my list of favorite 3 books I read in 2014.

      1. brightstar*

        I loved Tipping the Velvet and Fingersmith and I was disappointed in the Paying Guests as well. For some reason, the detail got to me and I felt like it slowed things down.

    3. Development professional*

      I really liked it too. Not at all what I was expecting, but in a good way. I found myself recounting parts of it to other people like it was a juicy TV drama, which I always take as a good sign!

  5. #81D8D0*

    I’m not sure who Elsa Peretti is, but I believe she’s helped me get my Mother’s Day thing happening this year. Although I note that she doesn’t work for free. Name link reveals details of my intrepid scheme. Fingers crossed, ’cause gift-giving around here tends to be hit-or-miss.

  6. Treena Kravm*

    What are some easy/simple resources to improve WordPress skills? It’s for a just-for-fun blog, but I want to gain some skills during the fun, and I’m maybe at a 101 level. I’m thinking of either an online MOOC-type thing or a book, but other types of resources are welcome =)

    1. Sweetheart of the Rodeo*

      I used lynda.com to learn WordPress, but I hate the interface. If you want to actually have fun, don’t use WordPress.

      1. Liane*

        I don’t find it difficult or troublesome, but I only use the interface for writing, updating & editing posts. I’m not involved in setting up the actual site.

      2. Treena Kravm*

        Do you mean you hate the interface of Lynda.com or WordPress? It’s too late to change WordPress, but I was thinking about paying for lynda because there are a couple of other things I want to learn too. I want to have fun with the writing/posting, but want to dig in a little in terms of WordPress, even if that part isn’t too fun.

        1. Sweetheart of the Rodeo*

          I like lynda.com quite a bit (and I work in online education-on-demand, so I’m picky). — I dislike WordPress. The process for uploading images is unnecessarily cumbersome and the formatting seems very finicky to me. I’m working on wordpress.com, with templates, rather than on the self-hosted version, so that might make a difference.

          1. Christina*

            I don’t upload pictures to WordPress, I use Flickr and then embed them in the html for the post. And I use a lot of pictures on my blog (I also use the .com version, which at this point is pretty silly since I pay for the “customization” option in wordpress, I should just get a domain and go self-hosted).

    2. Editrix*

      Make a test site, think of things you would like to be able to do (e.g. Add plu-ins, change the font). Google “WordPress how to x” and follow the instructions until it works. Rinse and repeat.

  7. Stephanie*

    Suggestions for things to do in San Francisco next weekend? I’ve done most of the touristy stuff already. I’m only visiting for the weekend, so I’d prefer not to do anything that would take up an entire day like a wine country tour.

    Also, reassure me here: I’m meeting up with a couple of college friends I haven’t seen in a few years and I’m anxious. Not because I don’t want to see them (I do!), I think I’m just nervous to be like “Hey! I’m…not doing a ton currently. I’m underemployed and living with my parents. Yay? Tell me about your exciting life.” On a rational level, I know no one will actually care. On an emotional level, it’s like “Ugh, I’m worried they will think less of me or turn me into a pity case.”

    1. Paige Turner*

      Things to do: Amoeba Records? Rent a bikeshare bike?
      Reassurance: if you figure out a solution to this one, let me know. I’m in the same boat.

    2. onnellinen*

      My mom and sisters went to SF last year, and took the ferry to Sausolito, rented bikes to ride to Tiburon, and then took the ferry back after lunch. I have no idea how far/long that is, but they had a great time.

      I’m sure your friends will be too thrilled to see you to think any less of your current situation! Besides, not doing a ton means time to do things like travel to SF for a visit… Have fun!

    3. Treena Kravm*

      My favorite thing to do in SF is just hang out in a park, usually Golden Gate or Dolores. If you could rent a car, maybe Half Moon Bay? It’s really close and gorgeous. Have you checked those free stuff-to-do sites? http://sf.funcheap.com/

    4. TheLazyB*

      Second thing: it took me, like 10-15 years after uni to realise that really, no one cares about your day job. (Or if they do, in a judgy way, they’re not worth worrying about.) You’d be well within your rights to say ‘this is my weekend off, i don’t wanna think about work!’ anyway :) if anyone makes weird faces about living with your parents (unlikely) just tell them you’re living there so you can save more/you get on well with them and have no reason to move yet/another bland boring reason, then move the convo on :)

      Have fun!

    5. Sunflower*

      I’ll also be in San Fran! I’ve not done the toursity stuff so that’s what I’ll be doing. Sunday is bay to breakers which is the huge bike ride and also a giant drinking day so beware of that.

      As far as work, just say ‘oh you know, just working, living, nothing new’. is there anything exciting that you are doing? New activties or hobbies? If so, turn the conversation to that and people will be more excited to talk about that

    6. Revanche*

      I always love doing a morning at the Ferry Building for the farmers market, Saturday up til 2 pm I think. I know it’s touristy and I LIVE here for goodness’ sake but it’s still so bright and cheery with the gorgeous flowers and piles of fresh produce. There are also some fantastic food trucks.

      From there you could walk up to Coit Tower if you feel like getting some walking and altitude in or you could hit the Exploratorium which has moved to the Embarcadero.

      Golden Gate Park is always lovely if you want a day outdoors.

      If you’re really more about food (I am!) then I suggest the Mission District. Lots of good food to try and there’s a decent amount of walking and looking at things you can do in that area. North Beach is good for Italian and there’s a great bookstore thereabouts.

      The ferry that onnellinen suggests is always a nice ride on a pretty day.

      As far as your friends, good ones will understand that you’re between things right now and not dwell on it if you ask them not to. If you won’t find it depressing, my strategy tends to be asking them to fill me in on their stuff instead.

      1. Connie-Lynne*

        I also live here and completely love the Ferry Building. We have an Exploratorium membership — their new location has a pretty good restaurant and bar in the back, making it a killer all-day destination.

        In addition to everything everyone else has mentioned, I recommend Musée Mecanique. It’s pretty much the only reason to hit Fisherman’s Wharf, but it’s THE BEST.

        It’s a warehouse full of working coin-op amusements throughout the ages. Player pianos, coin-op bands, tableaux, strength machines, pinball, video games … I love it! Admission is free; it pays for itself with the machines. I feel SO RICH being able to get five bucks’ worth of quarters and spend it however I want. It’s exactly what, as a child, I imagined adulthood would be like.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      On Sunday, go to the San Rafael Farmers Market (at the Civic Center), much less touristy and much larger than the Ferry Building one. You don’t have to buy actual produce—there’s plenty of just good food there, including some amazing liege Belgian waffles (if you get them, get them with Nutella and whipped cream). It’s supposed to be the third-largest farmers market in California (though I don’t know what the top two are).

      If you’re up in Marin, check out the Marin Mammal Center as well. An amazing educational hospital, not a zoo or entertainment place.

      I don’t know if this counts as touristy, but it’s always fun to get pedal-boating at Stow Lake in Golden Gate Park.

      If you’re looking for less-well-known museums, check out the Disney Family Museum in the Presidio or the Cartoon Art Museum in SOMA.

      If you’re looking for some less-well-known restaurants with amazing food, check out Matterhorn Swiss Restaurant in Russian Hill or L’osteria del Forno in North Beach.

      And walking up and down Clement St is always fun (and that area is not touristy at all).

      1. onnellinen*

        Oooh, the cartoon art museum – good call! I went to a wedding reception there once, and it was awesome.

    8. Cristina in England*

      If they’re even semi-decent friends, they’ll be more concerned that you seem unhappy with your living and working situation than what that situation actually is. If you are unhappy with it (as opposed to just unhappy with telling people about it) then maybe they might have some helpful input. If you’re happy about it, on the other hand, that will come through as well. Old friends will be able to read the subtext of what you’re saying.

    9. Margali*

      Hyde Street Pier is really interesting — $5 and you can walk on board several historic ships moored there, and they have signs and iPhone audiotours.

  8. Steve G*

    Wow I logged on right at the beginning………….Does anyone else have Mother’s Day anxiety? My mom/aunts are all lovely, but my 88yo grandma is always a pain. You can’t bring her out because even when she was younger she complains about everything in restuarants and monopolizes the waiter (I’ve had them roll their eyes to me when she wasn’t looking) and every visit is the same – she tries to force feed me unhealthy food repeatedly and I go on a long description of how I health healthy, blah blah blah, and she says my diet is ridiculous and then offers me chocolate again, then she tells me I make so much money, what I am doing with it (I never made “a lot” of $$), which gets old pretty quick, then she wants gossip about the family and complains about the life decisions of many relatives, and rehashes the same BS, like “have you spoken to xyz aunt.” Oh, you mean the one that did many not great things and then removed herself from our 1/2 of the family (not even on my grandma’s side) 6 years ago? Nope, this wasn’t the month that she suddenly became a new person. Nope, this isn’t the month that my paycheck-to-paycheck sister got a 6 figure job. Nope, this isn’t the month that my divorcee sister got over her ex and started dating. Yes, I know she needs to do that but we don’t need to discuss for the 100th time and you don’t need the details of her dating life anyway.

    Her cheapness (at this stage in her life especially) always and has always surprised me, it is always getting to new lows. She lives in a high income area, so it does hurt her social life. People can’t identify with the cheapness, and it is almost rude in certain situations/with certain people to monopolize the conversation talking about money so much. People who made well into the 6-figures and are enjoying their retirement don’t want to waste time/energy talking about where to get 50 cents off on a can of tomatoes. It is so bad that when she was in the hospital she asked people to bag all of the food/tasteless bread-wrapped-in-plastic type stuff when they visited. Guess what? People didn’t want to visit anymore. Hoarding stuff from a restaurant is bad enough, but from the hospital? A little much.

    I am extra nervous because she doesn’t know I am unemployed and would be scandalized if she knew and would never shut up an about it, and would keep calling me with career advice from the 70s. I usually talk about work when I go there so we stay clear of gossiping about other people, but now that I don’t work….the last time I was there she kept talking about how we need to like do an intervention to my sister and make her get a new BF, new apartment, new job, and go back to school. My sister is a normal person, yes she needs a better job, but it is very far from intervention phase. It doesn’t make me feel great talking about my sister like that. And it also rubs me the wrong way when my grandma is so so so darn cheap but is going to leave money to relatives who are really bad with money, and I am not getting anything, even though she knows I am one of the only people in our family who saves, I put a lot into an IRA, stock account, and 401K. I’m probably the only person who would save it for the future for the family and not blow it on myself.

    This all sounds horrible, but it is true!

    1. Stephanie*

      Ugh, hang in there. Being told I need to show gumption over bad eggs sounds like my idea of hell.

    2. Treena Kravm*

      So, not to sound harsh, but why do you even spend time with this woman? Is there some sort of group Mother’s Day event that you can’t get out of?

      1. Steve G*

        I have to stop my grandma’s even if it’s not the main event of the day! You made me laugh though when you said “this woman.” I turned out pretty well considering this is the stock I come from. Sofia Petrillo without the jokes.

    3. #81D8D0*

      So she was born in 1927? It can be difficult to wrap one’s head around the worldview of someone who was born back then. Not that all people in their late 80’s are cheap (or whatever). But my mom and dad were born in that era, and – life was very different back then.

      Have you tried asking her about things in the past? Where did she grow up? Where did she go to school? What was it like? Yeah, sometimes you end up with “when I was your age yadda yadda”. But sometimes you’ll hear some interesting stories.

      1. Steve G*

        I wish she liked talking about the past but whenever I ask a question she either doesn’t remember or asks “why do you want to know?” Not like my other grandparents. Ironically, she is the youngest person in my grandparents’ generation, so I never thought of 1927 as super old, but I guess it is now!

    4. Cristina in England*

      I would check out these Captain Awkward posts for help on how to cope with your grandmother (linked in a reply to this):

      1. Cristina in England*

        Dealing with highly difficult people (spoiler: they won’t change)
        http://captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/247-marrying-into-a-family-with-awful-boundary-issues-or-secrets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/

        Visits with highly difficult people:
        http://captainawkward.com/2015/02/02/655-visits-with-highly-difficult-people/

        And I hope this isn’t insensitive to link to, but one day maybe this will come in handy (the death of a difficult grandparent):
        http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/01/318-death-and-unpleasant-people/

        1. Steve G*

          I didn’t know Captain Awkward was an actual thing until you gave me these links.

          The sad part is that I totally see my grandma in the one about the mean grandma, without ever realizing it was mean (because I don’t think she aims to be mean)…especially the part about withholding birthday money. I stopped cashing birthday/Christmas checks from here about 4 yrs ago and she never noticed. I was sick of her complaining after every single holiday that so and so didn’t send a thank you note. I don’t think you need to send someone a thank you note for Christmas presents! I felt like she didn’t really want to be giving the money, so the only way to not take it without making drama was to take the card with the check then not shred it. Again, this sounds horrible written out, but it’s just one of those things I do automatically now!

          1. Steve G*

            I meant “then not CASH it” or “then shred it” in the 2nd to last sentence.

          2. LD*

            “Thank you” notes are a big thing with many people, especially older people. It is really a HUGE thing if the presents are sent through the mail versus being hand-delivered and opened on Christmas Day. How do they know you received them? I am sad that they are going by the wayside. You are, of course, entitled to your opinion, as is your grandmother.

        2. MsChanandlerBong*

          Thank you for posting the links. I’m going to read the first one now. My husband and I went no-contact with his father and stepmother a little more than a year ago, but his dad occasionally calls him shouting about something or other, so I’m interested in reading about how to handle that sort of thing.

    5. Ruffingit*

      I think this is one instance where you can lie like a rug and just pretend you’re still employed. She doesn’t need to know you’re not. So just make up some stories along the lines of things you’ve previously discussed about work. Also, keep the visit as short as possible. If she offers you chocolate, just take it. It’s easier than trying to explain healthy eating and going through that whole thing that she doesn’t respect anyway. Just accept it and toss it later or whatever. Basically, do everything possible to make this easy on yourself.

    6. VintageLydia USA*

      Oh goodness I can relate about people harping about a sibling’s perceived lack of success (only it’s our mother. I call her out on it but she is who she is.) He makes roughly $10/hr but he saves a TON of money. He’ll be one of those guys who always worked at or near minimum wage but you find out when he dies he’s a secret millionaire or whatever. He just a bought a decent house in a working class neighborhood, he has a ton of hobbies and friends, and he’s just generally a pretty happy dude. But he doesn’t have a degree and likely never will have one, and therefore will likely never get a “real” (::eyeroll::) job, and he’s never had a girlfriend. These last points override all the other points about him being happy with his current life and able to EASILY support the lifestyle he wants despite his relatively low income.

      Meanwhile, he’s being compared to me who’s material “success” in life is due to marrying a guy who makes 6 figures. I don’t have a degree, I don’t have a paying job (SAHM), and until very recently had WAY more debt, but I got lucky (Mr. Vintage was making less than me when we married and his current career is something he more or less accidentally fell into.)

      It sucks. It really sucks. I just make sure my brother knows I have no problem with his lifestyle, and in fact very proud of him.

      1. Steve G*

        I know I know……today I got into reviewing my older sisters’ resume, and I knew she had a lot of hard mental health/addiction jobs, but it gave me pause when I saw that she also did a bunch of courses she never mentioned, including a 350-hour night course of alcoholism, I was like wow, that’s a lot of hours (over a year of night school) that you only mentioned a few times in passing and I forgot about. Yeah, her current job doesn’t paid a lot, but she’s also expert in a lot of mental illnesses and addictions and knows how to deal with both, very different categories of people, and after reading her resume today, I was like, yeah…you should be making more than me in my finance type analytical jobs…..in my family though, she totally isn’t seen as a success, which is kind of sad, now that I write about it here.

    7. Jazzy Red*

      Well, cheer up Steve, you grandma isn’t going to live much longer, and then you’ll never have to put up with another visit with her.

      I was with you until the end of your post when you started complaining that she wasn’t planning to leave her money to you. If that’s the only motivation for your visits, do both of yourselves a favor and stop seeing her.

      1. Lizh*

        Your response to Steves’ comment is coming across as rather harsh in tone. Maybe I can relate so well to what he is saying because I was in a very similiar situation with my mother. She lived through some bad times, and I get that, truly. Every Christmas I had to hear about how expensive Christmas was, and how much money she was spending on Christmas. One year, after listening to that diatribe, she asked me what I wanted for Christmas. My answer was nothing, and that is exactly what I got from her, nothing! Suited me fine. A gift should be a gift from the heart, and not accompanied by a lecture .

        1. steve g*

          I know I said I was NOT getting money, so why would it be a reason for a visit?! My point is that she grills me on how much money I make and what I’m doing it, at the same time I know she has a couple million in cash, which she said a few times I’m not getting (thank you for working that into the conversation). Meanwhile she’s leaving it to a relative or two who are notoriously bad with money. Also I don’t have an issue with thank you cards, it just is getting old now that two weeks after 70 percent of holidays since I was a kid involve her complaining about someone not giving a thank you card. My sisters bday is jan 9th, and she’s witheld presents for not giving a thank you card yet (two weeks after the date) for christmas. I’m talking about checks for not very substantial amounts given in person in lieu of a present.

      2. Pennalynn Lott*

        That seems unnecessarily harsh, Jazzy Red.

        I’ve been in a similar situation where a relative willed their money to the irresponsible cousins “because they need it more.” Well, they need it more because they were spendthrifts who racked up crazy debt just to have the latest/newest whatever, and literally have never saved so much as a penny. The cousins who had learned our grandparents’ lessons of working hard and saving got stiffed, while the irresponsible druggy/alcoholics got rewarded. It can be a tad painful. Yes, everyone gets to spend their money however they want, including grandparents, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when they choose to reward bad behavior.

        Also, I didn’t even remotely get the idea that Steve’s only motivation for visiting was to get her money.

        1. fposte*

          I think if Steve was that keen on her money, in fact, he wouldn’t be leaving years of birthday checks uncashed.

        2. Steve G*

          Not sure if you’ll see this, but thanks for the comment. I posted here to commiserate about family issues and you seem to get it. Yeah, I am totally not visiting my grandma for money or whatever, we have ups and downs and recently it’s been a lot of downs, however, I have to say, maybe you guys sent out good vibes or something, but she was more pleasant tonight than she’s been in a loonnngg time, and she even was giving me some new (used but nice) furniture/lamps for my new, half-empty apartment.

          I would never be the type to visit someone to get an inheritance, but I lived with my grandparents for 3 years of 4 1/2 of college and I know how they saved those millions by the hundred, and I’ve seen how less responsible relatives wasted past inheritances, and I really don’t want the same to happen here.

          As per alchys, druggies, I have no proof, but I think that my relative that recently blew 75K and doesn’t know where it went may fall in this category. I mean, they live in the Midwest…the COL is not that high out there….and when a must-have kitchen appliance broke recently, they waited 6 months to replaced it, citing no money. Um….you don’t even have a few hundred left two years after receiving 75K cash on top of your other $$$?

          Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

      3. catsAreCool*

        Steve G knows he isn’t getting anything from her, and he still puts up with her, and she sounds really tough to deal with. I don’t think he’s being mercenary here.

        1. steve g*

          Tiz true. I was more kvetching about verbal behavior but since someone mentioned any possible inheritance….I do think I should get one. I make out well so don’t care, but if there was money up for grabs, I think I should get one, precisely because I’d be good at maintaining a fund for future family needs. I don’t need a cent of it. I’d keep it in the stock market for college funds, to help other people with retirements, etc. I have a particular relative who has a pension, lives in a cheap rural area, has gotten two big inheritances, but doesn’t remember where the last 75k went. No home inprovements, no new clothes, no fabulous vacations, but 75k…poof! just sayin’!

    8. LD*

      Has she always been this critical? If so, it’s just more of the same and you need to do what you can to remind yourself that it is her typical behavior and attitude and has nothing to do with you or your success. Also, as we age, we all get more like who we have always been. It might help to think about agreeing with her on a few of her complaints. Not the ones about other people, but the ones about how “expensive” things are. So when she complains about how much dinner costs, you can respond, “Yes, good restaurants are more expensive!” and ask her, “How much did you used to pay for dinner when you went out with Granddad?” Or when she complains about your family member, you can say “I know you are worried, but I think they are managing their own life just fine. They are happy and we should be happy for them.” If you’ve already tried some of the agreement tactics, and asked her about her experience, then that may not be worth the effort. Just know that you are not alone in having difficult relatives.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t know if this helps Steve, but years ago I saw a short article in Forbes that stated most family fortunes are lost by one of two ways. First way is apathy. No one tends to the money, and it more or less blows away in the wind. The second way money is lost is by careless spending. This article provided some consolation to me for what I see going on around me.

      I hope your visit with your grandma went okay. It’s admirable that you still keep trying with her. These are the type of things that we get paid back for later in life. I can promise you that you will get this returned to you later on in some form and when you need it. I never really believed this stuff until I saw it with my own eyes. No, the people who should pay us back are not the people who pay us back. It’s different people, the ones who owe us can’t pay us back sometimes. And somehow that is okay.

      1. Steve G*

        Hi, not sure if you’ll see this, but I’ll have to look that article up. That is exactly what I don’t want to happen. My grandma has her quirks and bad sides and her comments can be insulting but she is deep down a good person and this is exactly what I don’t want to happen, that the money she saved by being cheap (+ those years coinciding with the stock market going up) gets wasted frivolously. I know that I could manage it properly, but she isn’t making the decision on how to split it logically.

        That relative who squandered the 75K recently…..there are no repercussions for that in my family…everyone is afraid to say anything. I think it is disrespectful to the deceased.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I agree with you, that it feels disrespectful to the deceased’s life long efforts.
          I would guess it was Forbes around 2007. The article was very short and did not expand much more than what I have here. But in an odd way it comforted me to know that what I was seeing was not a one-off but rather something that happened to many families.
          I am not sure how to prevent it or even if that is possible. My only hope is that it happens for a reason and I just don’t see it.

  9. SandrineSmiles (France)*

    I’m half puzzled, half amused.

    My friend Nancy went through her share of bad men. But apparently, there is one she has decided to stay friends with. She dated him for a bit, he called it quits because she’s not quite from “his culture” (same religion, but different city of origin from same country or something) , she finds someone else, other guy dumps her like a hot potato, and she still talks to Cactus guy (I call him cactus guy because of very very rude reasons) .

    Cactus guy will talk to her for a bit, take her out, manage to sleep with her, be absent for a bit, she will lament it, and it will happen again. I’ve seen the cycle a few times. And each time, something is added: one time, she realized she does love him, another time, he said he was raised to actually want a woman from his area, blah de blah, and the circle began anew. She was really, really pissed at him and for me it was the straw that broke the camel’s back: I was done with hearing about Cactus guy.

    Did the lamenting about him stop ? Not quite, but things seemed to calm down. He wouldn’t talk to her that much, blah de blah… and then one day, all of a sudden, she sees him and he “tries” again. You can imagine how pissed I was.

    Oh well, you might say…

    But nope! Two days ago, Nancy asks me for a favor. Guys, get this: Cactus guy is trying to become a driver’s license examiner, and he needs two “students” to help him out otherwise he won’t get the job. I tell her nope, not going to do it, if I see him, I’ll hurt him, so NO. I’m NOT responsible for his mess, if he doesn’t have friends to do it well, so be it. Actions have consequences and all that. And I’ll admit I was very firm in my refusal xD.

    You know what ? I think Nancy is pissed at me for refusing… and I’m amused by it like you wouldn’t imagine :P .

    (and at the same time, I feel like I’m 15 again. No, lady, when I tell you I’m not going to do it, don’t ask the question 15 different ways in hopes I change my mind xD )

    1. Revanche*

      Shaking my head. Apparently she thinks you need to validate her choice to keep seeing and being used by this guy. I’m with you, we’re past that stage of life.

        1. Dynamic Beige*

          She needs to spend some time over at http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ But she won’t. You’re just going to have to reinforce that boundary about not wanting to hear her complain. Being supportive is not about listening to the same stuff over and over and over again, hoping things change.

        2. catsAreCool*

          I don’t think it’s mean to say no to this type of thing. It’s maddening to deal with someone who keeps falling for and getting mistreated by the same person over and over and over again.

    2. what???*

      Just wondering why you care so much about your friend’s dating life?? If she wants to date a jerk, so be it. Why all the energy into a friend’s choices?

      1. SandrineSmiles (France)*

        Oh the thing is, I only “care” because she talks about it so much. She’s very much interested in my own dating life, though I’ve made it clear that my choices aren’t up for discussion, and especially not in the way she’d like to discuss them.

        I’ve tried to do the “empowerment” talk. Basically, I don’t give a flying duck about who she dates or how, as long as she doesn’t keep coming back to me to complain about certain choices. I’ll use a lame comparison cause my brain is rather fried by now.

        Say you’re allergic to peanuts, just like me. You tell me and I sympathize with you because ouch, that can hurt. You eat peanut once, get sick, complain about the allergy. Repeat a few more times. After a while, when you complain about the allergy while eating more peanuts I’ll just tell you to shuddup about it, and tell you it’s about time you stopped eating them (yeah, sometimes, I just snap, I’ll admit it). And with what she did recently, basically she knows we’re both allergic to peanuts, but not only is she still eating them, now she wants to spread peanut butter on me, too! So noooooooooopes.

        Sorry for the lame analogy. I’m preparing for a video game stream and my brain just exploded a little :)

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I think your reaction is perfectly normal. I’d be sick of hearing her bitch about Cactus Guy too (now I am DYING to know why you call him that ha ha ha). I’d be all, “Nancy, shit or get off the pot!”

          I went through this with a friend who would call me up and whinge about her SO—but she had a zillion reasons why she couldn’t leave him. I tried to help, to make suggestions, or help her work out what she needed to do, but she always shot it down. Finally I told her I can’t do this any more–it’s up to you to make up your mind. If you’re unhappy, you have to make a decision to do something about it. If you need my support, I’m here, or any ideas. But I’m not going to listen to you complain about it because I can’t stand seeing you unhappy when it’s in your power to change it.

          She finally met someone else and got out of there, but now I never hear from her. Guess I was only a foul-weather friend. :P

          1. Mallory Janis Ian*

            “Cactus guy” because he’s a prick? That’s my official guess. :-)

          2. Not So NewReader*

            I so agree. At some point allowing people to vent morphs into enabling their situation to stay alive.
            We were never meant to be dumps for another person. Each of us is responsible for how our lives play out and the choices we make along the way. EW’s story here is about a person that seems to be a friend but really is not. Her friend was looking for someone to dump all her stories on, when Elizabeth said no more stories, the friend disappeared.

            Watch out for these people. As a parallel example, I had some friends from high school. My father pointed out that I always called them and they never called me. (Thanks a lot, Dad.) So as an experiment I stopped calling. They never called. I moved on to find real friends. It’s been well over 30 years and they still have not called. I am not surprised.

            Friendship is a two way street- there is a give and a take. There is a compassionate understanding between friends and it seems that she has lost hers and yours is maxed out. Yep, that means changes are going to be coming up soon.

      2. Anna*

        Because as Nancy’s friend, she’s hearing about it and having to be around and help pick up the pieces when Cactus Guy’s doucheyness raises its head inevitably. It gets said frequently enough I’d think it was obvious: People’s choices affect others as well as themselves.

  10. danr*

    I have a question for the DC area folks. We’ve been invited to a wedding this September in the area at a fancy mansion and the request is for “Cocktail attire”. What would this be on the male side?

    1. Former Diet Coke Addict*

      I believe for men cocktail attire is usually a suit, though generally not black. I’d think you’d be all right with a coloured suit (i.e., gray, brown, blue, not like…electric purple) and a shirt that goes. I’d wear a tie if I were you, since it’s a fancy mansion-type affair, and dress shoes.

      1. danr*

        Does a barbeque dinner at waterside make any difference? it sounds as if I’ll be in traditional wedding guest dress. I think for the women it’s a warning not to wear spike heels.

        1. Noelle*

          Can I just say, I really hate barbecue at weddings? Maybe it’s because I’m a slob and can’t eat barbecue in civilized company, and maybe it’s because I come from an area where a barbecue is super casual. It just always seems weird to me to dress up in a cocktail dress and then be expected to eat ribs with my bare hands.

        2. Former Diet Coke Addict*

          Eh, I suppose if there’s a chance it’s on the more-casual side you can always ditch the tie. Frankly, I hate the “cocktail attire” thing as it means wildly different things to different people .

          I also have to concur–BBQ at a wedding that isn’t already super-casual is just asking for disaster. To me, BBQ is casual fare, and dress is according. I don’t want to eat anything saucy, drippy, or using my fingers when I’m wearing my Nice Clothes.

    3. Amber Rose*

      Yep, seconding suit and dress shoes. For the record, if you only have a black suit, feel free to wear it. No point buying a whole new suit.

    4. Noah*

      Dark, tailored suit. Have some fun with accessories. You don’t want to look like you just came from the office, but you don’t to wear a tuxedo either. I would wear a tie, but if you find yourself as the only one it is easy enough to ditch it in the car.

    5. danr*

      Thanks for confirming our guesses. Talking it over, we think it’s really a strong hight for the friends of the grooms.

  11. Sunflower*

    Like Stephanie I’ll also be in San Fran next weekend! I’ve been a few times but haven’t seen any of the tourists sights so i’ll take any good suggestions whether they be touristy or not! I’ll have all Saturday to explore on my own so will take all suggestions as well as things to stay away from.

    Also- how reliable is the BART? I will be taking it from the mission to SFO early Monday morning. My flight leaves at 8am. Suggestions on what time i should plan to get on at and should i anticipate delays?

    1. Revanche*

      I gave Stephanie a list above so I won’t repeat those. I haven’t done the Alcatraz tour yet but I’m told by a well traveled friend that doing it with the informational headset thingy is actually really neat.

      BART is generally reliable though not as cheap as you’d expect for public transit to get to SFO. Barring unfortunate weirdness like a strike or someone throwing themselves on the tracks, you could catch it as early as 5am if you want to get to the airport by or before 6 am.

      1. Nancypie*

        I was in SF for one day and wasn’t sure if I should visit Alcatraz, since it would take up so much time. I loved it!

        1. Connie-Lynne*

          I just went to Alcatraz for the first time as part of our Employee Volunteer Program. We got to work in the gardens that the prisoners used to keep up. It was really interesting!

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      BART is almost always on time (but, yes, expensive, as is CalTrain). I don’t know how close you like to cut airport arrivals. I generally like to arrive at least 90 minutes early, even if I’ve checked in online, so if you’re coming from 16th and Mission, you can take the 5:46 AM BART to get to the airport by 6:13 AM. There’s also a 6:01 AM one arriving at 6:28 AM. Also, consider which terminal you’re flying out of. The BART train goes directly into the international terminal. You may have to take a shuttle (or do a lot of walking) to get to another terminal.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      Alcatraz tours book up very quickly, so you may not be able to get tickets for next week, but the audio tour is pretty good.

      Definitely see the sun set over Land’s End. Eat a breakfast at Art’s Cafe in the Inner Sunset. Drive, bike, or take the bus up to Twin Peaks during the day to get an amazing view of… everything. Grab some macarons at Chantal Guillon in Hayes Valley. Visit an Off the Grid (Presidio picnic or Fort Mason). See the bison paddock in Golden Gate Park. Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge.

      Have a blast!

    4. Grace*

      Angel Island (state park) beyond Alcatraz is very cool. You can take the ferry there. There is the restored Immigration Station (it was the Ellis Island of the West). Great walks, bike rides, good eats, some times music.
      Have a good trip.

    5. Occasional BART rider*

      You’ve probably heard this before, but (really, like any big city) especially in the area around the bart stops in the mission, and especially in the evening, do be aware of your surroundings and be careful of your possessions. That aside, there are also some rather large hills in the vicinity, and if you were carrying heavy luggage, I’d suggest avoiding the trek and taking an uber if possible (even if it’s only to get to the bart station).

    6. Connie-Lynne*

      Yep, BART is super-reliable but it is very slow. Also, it’s kind of wacky, depending on time of day and direction, sometimes you have to go to Millbrae, then one stop to San Bruno, then transfer to an airport-bound train, then trek across the entire dang airport.

      Also it costs way more than public transit should cost.

  12. Former Diet Coke Addict*

    While I was away at a conference this week, learned that my dad has been diagnosed with esophageal cancer. I was planning a trip to visit my parents next week that I’ll bump up by a few days, but everything still seems kind of unreal. I’m still not sure how I made it through two straight days of trade show and some uninterrupted time with my boss without losing it at him.

    My mom is a cancer alumna herself (15+ years in remission from breast cancer), so we are no strangers to cancer in this family, and I am lucky enough to have a wonderfully supportive husband and in-laws and many friends, but I have a feeling that the next few months are going to be dreadfully hard.

    2. Carrie in Scotland*

      I’m really sorry to hear that former diet coke addict. I hope that there is something they can do for him and that you have a good few days with your parents when you see them.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Me, too. I hope this is something that they caught in time. Please know my thoughts are with you and yours.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Oh, I’m so sorry to hear this. That’s the kind of cancer my dad had. My understanding is that there have been major advances in treatment since he had it and the prognosis is much, much better than it used to be.

      Cancer sucks.

    4. fposte*

      I’m so sorry, Former Diet Coke Addict. I know what you mean about how unreal the world gets. Good luck to you and your family for the months ahead.

  13. Carla*

    I’ve come to dread Fridays, Mondays, long weekends, and holidays at work because of the question “what are your plans?” My office is a very friendly office. People love to talk about their kids, their pets, their birthday parties they’re planning, their weekend getaway, their travel plans, etc etc. I don’t have much of a social life, I live with my family, I have very few friends, I don’t do much travelling. I usually spend my weekends at home watching movies and browsing blogs. Sometimes I;’ll catch a movie with my boyfriend, I’ll go to church with the family and that’s about it. Then I will drive my parents around for groceries and other errands. My life is very boring especially for a 20 something but I don’t necessarily want people at work to know that but I’m sure they’ve figured that out by now. I know I should find an interesting hobby and make some friends. But that’s harder said than done when you’ve been sort of a hermit your whole life and never cultivated friendships and hobbies because of being teased and being shy. Making friends and finding hobbies is a lot easier when you’re still a college kid. I think I’ve earned a reputation at work as sort of an antisocial recluse. People always say you should talk to people about themselves when you can’t think of much to say. So I will ask people about themselves but when they ask about me, I don’t have much to say and I’ve even had to lie on the spot so I don’t seem lame but then I feel even more lame. Like recently, I took a few days off work around my birthday . Then the decided to cut a cake before my vacation and of course people were asking what my plans were for my birthday. I made up something about going to spend the weekend partying in a nearby town. I think i totally sounded like i was making it up as I went. Ughhh kind of embarrassing. Or when I took another few days off of work because i wanted to help a family member in their job search. When people asked what my plans were, I just said I was planning to spend the time at home just relaxing, I got a lot of disappointed and odd looks. Made me feel really lame. Now I am afraid to take another few days off unless I have plans to go off somewhere exciting and fun! My family and I aren’t big into holidays so the answer to what are you doing for Christmas or Easter is usually – uhh nothing really. So do I need to come up with some better lies?
    I know this thread is for non work related questions but I think this question would fit in both threads. And any advice would apply outside of work as well.

    1. Revanche*

      I’ve always been like this, partly because I was always working and partly because I don’t really get out and do things. If that’s your jam, don’t mind their need for you to have new and exciting things to do, people are weird about needing others to do what they’re doing as some kind of validation. I find they were the same about kids when I didn’t want them.

      Only advice I’d offer is to be positive about it when you tell them you’re not up to anything. My answer used to be: if I can manage it, I’m going to sleep all weekend AND IT WILL BE GLORIOUS!!
      If nothing else, my sheer enthusiasm would shut them up. There was very obviously no pity invited in that kind of delivery. Also, I bet at least a few will be envious when they realize you can do anything you want and choose to relax anytime you want on your weekends while they’re committed to their merry go round of obligations. I would. ;)

      1. Cristina in England*

        Yes, this!! Something like “I’m really looking forward to spending time with my family/catching up on my reading/getting some fresh air/walking the dog”. The key is the “really looking forward to” part, not whatever comes next. Just be who you are and own your choices!

      2. Hlyssande*

        That’s the best part of adulting, isn’t it? I CAN EAT CAKE FOR BREAKFAST AND SLEEP ALL DAY IF I WANT TO.

        (except for when the cat demands food and snuggles)

    2. danr*

      Just tell folks that you’re saving… for retirement, to buy a house, a new car, whatever. Don’t invent stuff. If you’re going to curl up with a good book or watch a couple of movies, just say so. Or, find someone at work who shares your interests and hang out together.

    3. Steve G*

      No need for lies, if you are happy with your life, don’t apologize for it. Also, staying home doesn’t = doing nothing, remind your coworkers of that. I’ve been home a lot recently doing the (small NYC) garden, setting up my aquarium, working on home improvements, and cooking. Nothing to apologize about. Actually, I’ve had more in-depth conversations with people about taking care of the house than about my world travels (which a lot of people don’t relate to).

      My only question is whether you are happy with your lifestyle, because if you are at the point of needing to lie, I think you aren’t. Is there any possibility of moving out? If not, can you travel anywhere alone for weekend? I have travelled with people and alone since I was 18, but it is easier for me since I’m in the NE corridor and can pop between lots of cities. Travelling is definitely something to do in your 20s. Also, you don’t need a burdensome/expensive hobby. You can take the train to your closest city and spend a day walking around/sightseeing alone, or you can join a class at the gym (sounds intimidating, but you’ll realize that the same people show up routinely, and they aren’t paying attention to how you exercise).

      1. Sunshine Brite*

        Agreed, lying is weird. Most people just look forward to weekends no matter what and most coworkers get excited like everyone for time off even if it’s puttering around the home all weekend.

    4. Noah*

      I’m with you, I actually enjoy a quiet weekend at home. I once took a week of vacation time and did nothing but stay at home, spend time by the pool at my apartment complex, and go to a few movies in the middle of the day by myself. In that case I didn’t really tell anyone at work that I was staying at home, just that I had a relaxing week doing nothing and sitting by the pool.

      Sorry, not the best of advice, but you’re not a loser for wanting to spend time alone or at home.

    5. Treena Kravm*

      I can’t figure out which problem is the real problem. Do you genuinely want to do more things in life? Is the judgement you anticipate from your co-workers a reflection of you wanting to change? Or are you trying to figure out how discuss your life with co-workers?

      First things first, stop lying! That’s SO unnecessary and so bizarrely weird for your co-workers to hear. I don’t care how boring you thinkg you are, it’s not worth lying. Having dinner with my family, going out to eat, Joe and I saw The Avengers, a quiet night in–all of those are phrases that no one should be raising an eyebrow at. Those are normal, nice things to do in your free time! Practice sounding enthused when you talk about your “boring” life. If you’re excited about going to a movie and dinner, it’s going to come off as exciting. Your co-workers are probably reacting to the anxiety you’re projecting, not the actual activity you’re discussing. In terms of vacation, try calling it a staycation, that’s the term people use and it seems more celebratory than “nothing” or “relaxing.” Another trick is that if you do end up sharing something that you think is “boring,” just laugh it off and joke about how you’re such a homebody, or even calling yourself boring will lead people to say something like “Oh no, that sounds lovely!”

      If you actually want to do something a little more exciting, try doing a day trip to somewhere less than an hour away, or even spend the day at the park. Something simple and easy. Good luck!

    6. Ask a Manager* Post author

      For the record, I’d categorize it as work-related but since people have already started responding I don’t want to bump it off. So I guess just consider this a general (and feeble) reminder that if it’s about work, it goes on the Friday thread. Thanks!

    7. random person*

      I think there’s nothing to be embarrassed about in saying you’re spending time with your family! Don’t think of it in terms of “still at home with my parents,” think of it as “adult who’s friends with my parents,” and it’s totally different.

    8. The IT Manager*

      Are you sure they’re judging you? I wonder if that’s coming from your own head because you think you should be doing more.

      I personally am pretty boring – don’t go out much – but I am fine with it. My weekend plans are usually chores, reading, or watching some sports (usually in TV). I don’t mind sharing that. I don’t feel the need to lie about it.

      1. Girasol*

        I’m with you – no one is judging. People are mostly fishing for the opportunity to tell you what they’re looking forward to. I don’t get out much either, having a long commute and needing weekends just to catch up on chores and rest. I’ve found a groan and “Yardwork!” or “Housework!” to be satisfactory answers. They’ll groan and say “Know what you mean!” and go on to tell me about their chores and what else they’ll do this weekend. Nothing weird about that.

      2. Katie*

        Yes, I agree that this is likely much more in your head than you think. People really don’t care that you’re having a laid-back weekend at home, and I think they just ask the question as conversation fodder- they really don’t care that much what you’re doing, whether it’s skydiving or working on a puzzle. Nor do I think they’re saying to themselves “my, that’s five weekends in a row that Carla is relaxing and going to church. Time to get a hobby!”.

        To be honest, your thought pattern sounds a lot like mine when I’ve hit low points with my Generalized Anxiety Disorder. If approaching weekends cause you stress because you’re worried about talking about them with coworkers, that’s not a normal thought pattern! This is worth talking with someone about.

        Do you work in a younger office? Because most people I know spend most of their weekends doing the same things you do. It’s only the recently-out-of-college crowd that seems to have a string of “interesting” things to do. Most people don’t have endless strings of concert tickets, unicycle riding, and weekends away. If you’re happy with your weekend plans, that’s all you need to worry about.

      3. INTP*

        I don’t know, I’ve been flat-out told by coworkers that I should party more due to my age and singleness. The concept of a young single person without an exciting social life is odd and sad to some people, for whatever reason. But I do find that most people will get used to it if you tell them every single weekend what you’re doing and calmly withstand the recommendations that you go clubbing or whatever. As people get to know me they tend to realize how much of an introvert I am realize that my lack of a social life is not a sign that I am depressed or lonely or a sociopath, it just makes sense for me.

    9. LD*

      Second what everyone else has already said…and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your current plans, unless you are feeling like you WANT something else. As others have already eloquently said, most people are just making conversation and when they ask, it’s how you respond. And as long as you don’t sound embarrassed or upset about your plans, then they won’t wonder either. You can always say something like, “Oh the usual, hanging with family…catching up on my reading….yardwork….” Whatever! Then follow that with, “What about you? Doing anything fun this weekend?” That’s all you really need and sometimes it’s just that people are asking in hopes that you’ll ask back so they can tell you what their plans are. It can even be just that it’s a conventional topic that doesn’t mean much. Think about the “How are you?” question, followed by the conventional response “Fine. How are you?” Just recognizing that not everything is a serious question can be helpful. Maybe they are just making casual conversation. You don’t need to entertain them with exciting stories. Just be friendly and smile at them when you respond, “Not much; how about you?”

    10. INTP*

      I can identify with this. A fun social life is just not really a need I have. I can be perfectly happy without it and usually genuinely prefer to spend my weekends relaxing at home, taking walks outside, and doing chores. I have found lying useful when I worked in a hyperextroverted work culture and it was not acceptable to be unavailable for things like happy hour or weekend barhopping unless you had social plans (gym classes etc did not count). However, most of the time I find that if you just tell the truth about what you did for the weekend eventually people get used to it, learn to accept that you’re happy the way you are, and stop getting that pained look on their faces or digging for more information because they’re sure you’re doing fun social stuff that you aren’t telling them about. It doesn’t have to be detailed, just “Oh, I relaxed at home with Netflix and spent time with family.” The fact that you are telling obvious lies or evading questions, to be honest, might be compounding the problem because people are curious about what you aren’t telling them (not that they have a right to the info, but sometimes people are inappropriate when they’re curious).

      1. INTP*

        Also, even your “boring” weekends might involve some common ground that you can chat with coworkers about. Mention a movie you watched, a show you got into, a recipe you made, etc. You’ll find that a lot of people are doing that stuff too, they just aren’t talking about it.

    11. catsAreCool*

      I tend to say either “Taking it easy”, “Catching up on stuff”, “Spending time with family”, “Not much”. I’m kind of reclusive too and always have been. I think some of this gets easier as you get into your late 30’s though. People become more appreciative of “Taking it easy” as an answer.

      1. Ella*

        This. When I ask people if they have weekend plans, I am just being polite and making conversation. I don’t really care that much nor do I judge their response if it’s not some exciting adventure. Just say “taking it easy, how about you?” And then move on.

  14. Sherm*

    Speaking of books, anyone feel like there’s a book out there that would absolutely transform your life for the better, but you just haven’t found it yet?

    1. Treena Kravm*

      Probably, but when you try to guess it, or someone tells you it’ll transform you, it almost never does.

    2. MJ*

      Books transform my life all the time. Carolyn Myss’s Anatomy of the Spirit transformed me. Dance of Anger (Harriet Lerner) transformed me (taught me about boundaries). Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth transformed me. Antifragile (Nassim Taleb) transformed my leadership style. Dance of the Dissident Daughter (Sue Monk Kidd) gave me permission to change.

      Right now I am reading a number of books about treating immune disorders with food, exercise, stress relief, and gut repair, and they are helping me transform my health. Learning to cook and eat healthy foods (when I have never really cooked much at all) is an exercise in mindfulness that is life-changing. I read a cookbook today (Nom Nom Paleo), and I actually enjoyed it. This is a first!

      I think transformation comes in bits and pieces, and I credit books with much of the impetus. I am never happier than when I find my next read.

      1. saro*

        I’m interested in the books about curing the anti immune disorders, if you don’t mind sharing.

    3. Sweetheart of the Rodeo*

      I’ve mentioned it before, but if you have even the slightest leaning toward Buddhism/meditation and mindfulness as an approach to transformation, self-awareness and being a better human, Phillip Moffit’s Emotional Chaos to Clarity is an amazing book.

      1. Windchime*

        That sounds good to me. I’ve read a handful of books by the Dalai Lama and always feel better afterwards because he just breaks things down in such a simple, reasonable manner. I’m going to give this one a try.

  15. Amber Rose*

    Today I would like to share the ridiculous and embarassing tale of how I injured my leg, and then ask a question.

    To start with, I joined a Japanese sword fighting class (iaido) and, if anyone has any interest, I HIGHLY recommend it. I’ve never had so much fun.

    There’s a lot of emphasis on etiquette and, as newbies, it is our honor to mop the floors prior to starting. Following that there’s a somewhat complex ritual sitting in seiza, on your knees. I sat down too fast and gave myself a muscle spasm. Go me! No big deal, I stretched it out and we started training.

    Turns out we got a little too excited with the mopping. The concrete floor at the far side was still wet. I moved to swing, and my feet slid out from under me. In a sad effort to not impale myself on my own sword, I twisted. On my already sore leg. One eternal, horrifying “oh shit” moment later there was a pop, then the pain started.

    I tore a muscle in my thigh. My leg is now mostly useless while it heals. -_-

    Question: does anyone know how long it will take a torn muscle to heal? It’s been 6 days and that muscle still can’t bear weight. I can’t get an answer out of my doctor. He just said, as long as it takes.

    1. Revanche*

      Oh no! I’m glad you did avoid impaling yourself though. I don’t know, honestly, I’ve hurt myself a lot of times and muscle healing has always been a weird thing. I don’t think it’s as straightforward as bone healing :/

      1. Amber Rose*

        I am glad about that too! Even though they’re only wooden, they can still hurt.

    2. Noah*

      It really depends on how bad it is. It took 2 weeks to be able to walk normally and 2 months to fully heal the one time I had a really bad strain in my thigh. The popping sounds means it is likely a bad strain, so I would expect it to take 6-8 weeks to fully heal.

        1. misspiggy*

          Ice! And anti-inflammatories. Gentle, frequent movement is a good idea, so as long as you take things carefully you won’t be out of action all that time.

        2. rp*

          Get physical therapy! I had a bad ankle sprain and it was still sore 2 MONTHS afterward. Like sore enough I went back to the doctor, they got me on PT. That helped quickly and immensely.

          1. rp*

            Also to one up your ridiculous injury story–I sprained that ankle, going down a set of stairs in the hospital, on my way to a 1 year post op/anniversary appointment of the time I broke BOTH arms falling off a pogo stick.

            1. salad fingers*

              Ooooh no. Can I ask — did you find this as funny in the moment as you do (or as I think you do?) in retrospect?

              1. rp*

                So funny. I started cracking jokes as soon as they gave me pain killers. Plus it’s just such a good story–“oh you broke a leg skiing? I broke 8 things over two arms on a pogo stick”

                We were also on the way to go take a Segway tour, the running joke that I broke my arms to get out of said tour.

                Most of the time it’s funny, sometimes though I see people doing things (walking on stilts, jumping up on those giant crossfit boxes, etc) and I cringe/my arms sympathy hurt. I judge a lot of things now based on whether or not I could break my arms doing it.

          2. Amber Rose*

            I can’t afford it. It’s like $130 per appointment, and I live paycheck to paycheck as it is.

            A month earlier and I would’ve been in physio anyway for the car accident I was in. :/

            1. rp*

              Ooof, ok that is steep. Here’s a link to the exercises like the ones they had me do in physio https://www.aofas.org/footcaremd/how-to/foot-injury/Pages/How-to-Ankle-Sprain-Strengthening-Exercises.aspx The first 3 exercises are really where it’s at on that list–other things you can do—towel scrunches. stretch a towel out on the floor, put your feet on it, use your toes to scrunch it forward until you get to the end. Repeat.

              Going into physio definitley helped, but I had to do stuff like this twice a day on my own and that made a big impact as well. Good luck.

          3. Sunshine Brite*

            Oo, this gives me hope. I’m at like over 2 months now with this sprained ankle and the soonest they could get me into PT is Tuesday.

            1. Windchime*

              Sprained ankles are the worst. I sprained my left ankle in early September 2014. It was just now starting to feel normal and then I twisted it again by missing the bottom garage step. This time is a much less severe sprain, but it’s back to being swollen and stiff again. Sprains take forever to heal.

              1. Sunshine Brite*

                Oh I know, I’m trying to give it the time needed and just now starting to add in a pilates/yoga mix video that I do to stay on track with my challenge group.

          4. Hlyssande*

            I should do the same for the ankle I sprained in March (walking across a flat street). It’s finally not painful to walk on but I’m sure I could have used the PT to get it going much earlier.

            Sadly, they need a $35 copay for every single visit, and I honestly can’t afford it.

    3. Gene*

      Yeah, muscle strains heal on their own schedule

      I once was off work for a week because I strained my back picking up one of the cats to get her off the counter.

      1. KarenT*

        If it makes you feel any better I sprained my wrist straightening my sofa cushions. I showed up to work all bandaged up and everyone wanted an epic story. I was like yeah…cleaning.

        1. Amber Rose*

          I once coughed so hard I broke a rib.

          I literally got beat up by my cold.

          1. Seal*

            I partially torn the bicep tendon in my shoulder vacuuming a couple of years ago. Had to go to the emergency room because I couldn’t raise my arm. Took forever to heal and now I have a bit of a bum shoulder.

          2. Just Ducky*

            I’ve broken two ribs.

            One: I was way too excited about Christmas when I was 5, ran around, fell on the hearth.

            Two: Coughing fit in a Target parking lot.

      2. Hlyssande*

        Sprained my ankle badly in March walking across a flat street.

        Strained my back reading in bed propped at an apparently unhappy angle. Could barely walk for the next week.

        I think a lot of us understand completely! :D

    4. Cath in Canada*

      Ouch! Hope you recover soon and can get back to the fun stuff.

      I hurt my knees in university when I decided to try fencing. It was soooooooo much fun until I realized where the pain was coming from (I was also in the badminton squad at that point (never made the actual team!), and badminton also involves a lot of knee lunges, so it was probably the combo that got me). Not as exciting a story, though!

      1. Amber Rose*

        I love badminton and fencing too. Though I think I’d have to put on a lot more muscle to survive both together. :D

    5. Noelle*

      Ugh, that’s terrible! But it’s good you’re letting it heal. My dad is a crazy sports player, and he once snapped a muscle in his thigh. He kept right on going, didn’t see a doctor for almost a year, and by that time it had rolled up and atrophied. I think his doctor said that if he’d had it fixed, it probably would have taken about 2 months to fully heal. But it very largely depends on how fast you heal, how bad the tear is, what muscle it is, etc.

      1. Amber Rose*

        Ahhh! That’s terrifying. No offense.

        No, my teacher won’t allow it. I got smacked with a staff on Wednesday (lightly, in a joking way, but still) and lectured for pushing my luck when I started hurting. I’m only allowed to practice my swings for now, since my arms work fine.

        Its not bad enough to need surgery, only ice and time. I’m just impatient.

        1. Noelle*

          Yeah, it was pretty traumatizing for me to watch. My dad is a weird guy – stub a toe or get a cold, you’d think the world had ended. Tear a leg muscle, no problem!

        2. Sunshine Brite*

          Oh geez, don’t push it! Trust me, I’ve played through injuries and it’s affected my overall healing abilities and often got worse.

        3. Elizabeth West*

          That’s the worst part–waiting. I hurt my knee about two years ago, falling on it, and it took FOREVER to heal. Two weeks before I was supposed to leave for London, it popped in my sleep (I have no idea what the hell I did!) and I could barely walk again. Grr. Luckily, it healed up in time for me to walk there, but I had to use my brace part of the time.

          I skated today for the first time in a month, what with the knee crap and being gone. Ugh. We have a show on May 30 and I can barely jump!

          1. Hlyssande*

            My healing ankle has done the same thing multiple times while I was sleeping! So frustrating.

    6. Sunshine Brite*

      I tore my hamstring in college and it took 6-8 weeks.

      Rest, Ice 20 mins on – at least 20 off in between, compression, elevation. Stay off it when you can.

    7. fposte*

      Oh, ow. I think it’s harder to tear the big thick muscles but they take longer to heal when you do. I think the time also depends on the extent of the tear, which may be why the doctor didn’t want to predict.

    8. LD*

      OOH! I feel your pain. I was off my feet for 8 days for an ankle sprain. Yes, it was a very bad sprain. I was wearing boots and they think that kept me from breaking my ankle. I was warned it would take months to get well. It’s now over a year and I still get the occasional nerve tingle. I saw a physical therapist for exercise to help me get stronger and that really did help. Depending upon when you were injured, it may take several days before the doctor can really evaluate your condition. When I went in the day I sprained my ankle, I was told it was too inflamed and swollen to tell how badly it was hurt, even with x-rays. I was in so much pain, I couldn’t tell them where it hurt the worst, and they didn’t want to make me move it around. I had to come back for further evaluation a couple of days later. It’s been a long road. I was also warned that I am now at higher risk for re-injury. Take of yourself and don’t rush your recovery. The better you take care, the better your outcome and the less chance for re-injury. I wish you well!

  16. Gene*

    Headed to the other coast for a conference in Greenville, SC on Monday – airport shuttle will be here at 0230 for an 0600 flight. I won’t get home until the wee hours of Friday night.

    It’s selfish, but I’m really looking forward to time by myself; away from work, away from home, just – away. Even though the days and evenings have stuff going on, it will be relaxing.

    1. danr*

      Bring rain gear… you might get some of the wind and rain from Tropical Storm Ana. There are no warnings for Greenville but looking at the weather map, it’s close to some of the rain bands.

    2. Liz in a Library*

      If you’re going to be anywhere near downtown, it’s actually a really lovely area. Beautiful park next to the river, and nice little coffee shops and such.

      1. Gene*

        Directly downtown, 200 block N Main; seems to be where all the festival stuff happens.

    3. Ann Furthermore*

      I completely understand. I’m leaving on Tuesday for 10 days of work travel. Although I’m dreading the work part — software testing with a bunch of needy, clueless, high maintenance users — I’m looking forward to having some time to myself, including an entire weekend! I’m going to try and schedule a couple of spa treatments, and then hole up in my hotel room with Netflix for the rest of the weekend.

      I do miss my husband and kids when I’m gone, but it is nice to have alone time. If I could figure out a way to get out of dinner with colleagues more than once during the week, I’d actually look forward to it!

      Enjoy the down time!

    4. Phyllis*

      Soby’s for dinner if you’re downtown. Grill Marks is a terrific burger joint that just opened up on Main Street–try one of their adult milkshakes. And definitely try to get to Falls Park.

  17. Cath in Canada*

    Well, thanks for remembering that it’s Mother’s Day weekend, kitty, but a dead mouse in my new shoe would not have been my first choice of gift.

    Sigh… mouse safely disposed of, shoes sanitized, kitty praised and given a treat. But ewwwww. At least they don’t do this very often – maybe four or five times between the two of them, in seven years.

    1. skyline*

      Eek. That is not something I would want to find unexpectedly when putting my shoes on!

      (The first year I had my cats, they gifted me with a flea infestation on Mother’s Day. I was not amused. They now have to tolerate regular flea treatments despite being indoor only cats.)

    2. really*

      Better then the vole my daughter’s dog decided to eat today. I will not be happy if the dog throws up on my rug later.

    3. Sharon in NZ*

      One of our cats peed on me in bed this morning. I think I’d have preferred the mouse in my shoe!

  18. Have The Town*

    Hi everyone, long time lurker here! I’ve just booked to go on a tour of the Game of Thrones locations with my friend and I am wildly excited! Has anyone else ever done any of these kinds of tours? I did a tour of Ramsay Street when I was on holiday in Australia and it was glorious!

    1. BRR*

      ive done the sex and the city tour in New York. It was corny but lots fun. The best part is for the price it’s a good deal to be driven around the city for 3 hours and you get a cupcake.

    2. Lamington*

      I did a Walking Jack the Ripper tour in London and it was way cool. It started at night and the guide was so knowleadgable of the sites and besides the creepiness it was quite a historical lesson.

      1. Have The Town*

        Oh, I would love to do that tour! Will have to look it up next time I’m going to be in London.

  19. Carrie in Scotland*

    For anyone who likes gritty crime drama I highly recommend the French TV series Spiral. It’s got subtitles but oh my word, it is worth it. It follows lawyers and a team of police and, well – nothing is simple (hence the English name of ‘spiral’).

    1. CoffeeLover*

      I will check this out! Though more due to my desire to improve my french than my love of gritty crime dramas if I’m to be honest.

      2. Carrie in Scotland*

        I’m renting them from my local library but am in the UK which probably doesn’t help you much.

  20. Windchime*

    The weather here in Seattle is gorgeous this weekend. I went flower shopping and went kind of crazy; looks like I’ll be working on planting my pots today. I might go to Costco later and look at their hanging baskets; $20 gets you a pretty nice, full basket of flowers there.

    1. Trixie*

      My Costco also had beautiful potted jasmine plants, so tempted. I had great luck with a few flower containers from Aldi’s.

  21. Revanche*

    Random bits: Cuddling a sleeping baby right now and I’m convinced ze has a specific sleeping scent much like the smell dogs give off when they’re sleeping deeply. Of course saying the beastie is sleeping always sends a signal to hir to wake up and yell at me. Never fails.

    Things have gotten a lot better in the past several weeks, thanks to having help during the day now. I am, however, terrified about ever having to parent solo for more than a few hours. My physical health simply can’t handle it. Husband is wonderful but he can’t always be shackled to us. Or can he?? Hmmm…

    Mother’s Day has been fraught for me for the last many years, since we lost Mom after a long illness. I usually pretend it’s not happening but apparently I have to take notice of it this year, at least a little. Hoping tomorrow won’t feel extra sad.
    There will be donuts! I like donuts.

    1. Amber Rose*

      Empathy hugs. I try not to think about Mothers Day either but it’s hard with so many people asking me how I am, and media being full of nothing else.

      Hug that baby and be happy tomorrow.

    2. Pennalynn Lott*

      I promise I’m not being snarky, just genuinely curious: Why disguise the gender of the baby?

      1. Revanche*

        :) Appreciate the clarification cause someone *was* seriously snarky about it. A few reasons. I blog about some seriously personal things at times, I remained pseudonymous so that I can be honest about my thoughts w/o hurting my family. It’s my compromise: I can talk about my life, but I can’t reveal their identities without their permission. Since I’m not going to ask them permission and reveal the existence of the blog, I keep it pseudonymous. Same goes for the kid. I can always choose to share more information later, when I’ve thought about it. I can’t choose to unshare.
        And in hindsight, it’s sort of been nice not having gender-related speculation or assumptions when I talk about hir. Ze’s a kid and that’s all that’s important, generally.

  22. NBF*

    Has anybody visited Costa Rica, Columbia or Venezuela and had a great experience they’d like to share.

    I’m really close to pulling the trigger and booking a trip that would be two weeks in Costa Rica and two weeks in Venezuela with a 2-3 day stop over in Bogota in between.

    Costa Rica would be really exciting. I’m more nervous about Venezuela and Columbia though. Venezuela would be on a tour, not solo, and its been a big dream of mine for awhile to hike in Roraima and visit Angel falls, but the lack of stability of the country worries me. Bogota would be only a couple days but on my own. The city sounds great in the day time, but I’ve heard bad things about crime there.

    1. Treena Kravm*

      Oh my gosh, do it!! I haven’t been to those areas, but it sounds amazing! I know tons of people who love love Costa Rica, and Venezuela with a tour will be fine. Tours very rarely have issues. I would do some more research on Bogota, but if you’re taking all the precautions, you should be fine.

    2. Jader*

      The hands down best vacation I’ve ever had was in Costa Rica. We rented a car and drove to Manuel Antonio. People everywhere were so nice, we had no problem feeling totally safe. The best part was an atv tour to a hidden waterfall. Afterwards we drove back ourselves and hiked in, it was amazing! It started raining and it happened so fast parts of the road flooded out and the river we were swimming in rose a number of feet in minutes. Definitely an adventure vacation versus a relaxation vacation.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Mine too–we used to have a client in Costa Rica at Exjob and she kept telling me how I needed to come visit. ALso we had one in Puerto Rico who told me the same thing.

    4. BRR*

      I honeymooned in Costa Rica and loved it. I’d be worried about Venezuela as well but a little more comfortable in Colombia.

      Costa Rica was awesome. Everybody was super nice, spoke English, and most took the dollar. We went to arsenal and it was just absolute perfection. I would read into traveling during the green (rainy) season between June and November if that’s when the tour is. We fly into Liberia over San Jose and saved a fortune. Then it was a 3 hour drive. We didn’t drive and I’m very thankful because there are no signs and we would have definitely thought we were lost during the 30 min we were on a dirt road which was the right way. The northwest wasn’t very lush but once we got more towards the middle it was green as far as the eye can see.

      Let me know if you have any specific questions? I can’t wait to go back.

      1. Nancypie*

        I honeymooned there as well. Loved Arenal and the hot springs. Another highlight was white water rafting; it was very exciting!

    5. the gold digger*

      Not sure about Venezuela these days. I went there for work years ago but the news I have seen in the past few years is that it has kind of gone to hell in a handbasket.

    6. AmyNYC*

      This was originally said about Savannah, but it fits here, “Bogota is like a beautifully women with a dirty face.”
      Colombia is not as scary as you think. Bogota is a big city and that has its own dangers, but the people are friendly and the touristy areas are generally safe. Don’t wave your new iPhone around, but be smart and you’ll be fine.
      If you can, get outside of Bogota – I was visiting family so I can’t suggest any travel stuff, but the countryside is beautiful and very varied. There’s some national parks on the outskirts of the city.

  23. Mimmy*

    So I’m nearing the home stretch with this horrible semester at school. My fall class wasn’t great either, but it was miles better than this one. I’ve been collaborating with a classmate on the final project, and we are both absolutely miserable :( Our professor will disappear from the Discussion Boards for long stretches–which is fine except that she just went 3 weeks without posting new reading assignments. Now, she’s cramming 3-4 weeks of readings into two weeks. Luckily, she’s giving us pretty much free reign on which articles to read and discuss (choice of 2 or 3–I forget–among a slew of articles posted).

    What upsets me is that while her skills as an online professor are greatly lacking, she is a really lovely woman–very passionate, funny, and sometimes engaging. I think she’s just very overwhelmed with teaching two online classes plus her outside work as a researcher and writer.

    Two more classes to go to earn this certificate – I just hope they’re better than the first two classes :/

    1. LisaLee*

      Ugh, I feel your pain. I’m taking an online class right now where it takes the professor three weeks and multiple prods from me to respond to a simple email (or grade assignments, etc, etc). I’m mostly taking the class for self-improvement/interest so I don’t need a good grade, but I’m still *this* close to complaining to the chair of the department.

    2. Ann Furthermore*

      Ugh, I feel your pain. I did my MBA through an online program, and I really enjoyed the online format, except for one class, for this very reason. The instructor was terrible about returning assignments in a timely fashion — he would hold onto them for at least a week before returning them. It was so frustrating, because each class in the program was only 8 weeks long. So if you have to wait a week or more to find out that you’re not doing well in the class, that doesn’t leave much time left to course-correct before the class ends.

      I ended up complaining to my faculty adviser. For the amount of money you had to shell out for each class (about $700), I didn’t expect the instructors to be at my beck and call, but I did expect them to respond to questions and grade assignments in a timely fashion.

      Hang in there!

      1. #81D8D0*

        I am totally with you on this. Both of my kids are in college, and (esp at my son’s school) they have all of this web-based stuff in place to allow you to track your grades etc – but the profs / TAs are extremely lazy about updating the information. Which makes it almost worse than useless.

        Actually, several of their high school teachers were the same way. And it was a Real Problem because a teacher would (say) let everything collect dust for 3 weeks – and then update the scores and surprise! What was once a B is now a D. And no, they didn’t tell the kids what they scored on assignments in advance.

        Grrr …

  24. Nancie*

    My mattress is at the end of its life… And I just bought a sleep number bed with a flex frame to replace it. There’s a return policy on the mattress, but not the frame.

    Please tell me I’m not going to regret this?

    1. Amber Rose*

      I can’t see the future… but no. No you won’t.

      I dropped a tiny fortune on a king size, pocket coil bed with a fancy set of bedding and memory foam pillows and I would literally just stay in bed all the time if I could. I’m there right now actually. :D

      1. Nancie*

        Hee. I won’t deny, I’d love a bed that I feel that way about.

        Since the frame is made by someplace other than Sleep Number, I guess that I’d be able to get a different mattress for it, if I need to.

    2. MJ*

      Perhaps the frame works with other mattresses?
      We have a bed we love (European-style slat bed: each side has its own set of slightly curved, slightly rotating). The mattress should really be replaced now, but we brought the bed from overseas and they don’t make this mattress size in the US! Silly oversight from us.

      1. Nancie*

        Oh no! Do you have an Original Mattress Factory near you? They make custom size mattresses. My folks had one made for an odd-size antique bed.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I very seldom hear of anyone having a broken mattress frame. It’s only been 100 year old frames and kids have been jumping on the mattress. Normal use should not be a problem. You can check maybe there is a one year warranty on the frame and they did not mention that. Or you can ask what to do if something goes wrong with the frame. Maybe just checking it over really well, will help ease your mind.

    5. Ann Furthermore*

      Everyone I know who has a sleep number bed raves about how amazing it is. I’d love to get one, but our mattress still has a few good years left in it. It’s a significant investment, but everyone says it’s well worth the money.

      It would be nice to have. Normally, I like a softer mattress, and my husband does too. We have one of those memory foam mattress pad things, and most of the time I love it. But sometimes, like when I’m sick and sleeping a lot, my back starts to hurt and it would be nice to be able to firm up the mattress a bit.

      1. ThursdaysGeek*

        I don’t rave. But mainly, they don’t mention that if you like it harder and he likes it softer, and you tend to sleep close together, that the person with the harder side will have a slopey mattress, always feeling like I’m falling over to the other side. I’ll go back to standard when this wears out, but it is sturdy.

        1. Development professional*

          I got a sleep number too, and found that it took getting used to, but now I’m very happy with it. The key was actually adding an extra mattress topper on my side, which reduced the motion transfer of the air mattress.

          But OP, if you end up not liking it and returning the mattress, I bet you could sell the frame on craigslist or similar pretty easily. Because it’s just hard plastic (not like a regular box spring) I would expect that people would be more willing to buy one used, esp. if it’s practically new. I totally agree, though, that the fact you can’t return it elevates your risk in their “no risk” purchase proposition.

  25. TheLazyB*

    Been wanting to ask this for a while. Loads of your handles on here make me curious. Anyone want to share where they came from?

    I’m also curious – for those who use their real first names, are you still happy with that, or do you wish you’d used something else?

      1. Nan*

        Didn’t Alison once complain that people kept stealing the made-up names she used in questions? I wanted to use one once but felt guilty when I remembered that :->

        1. Apollo Warbucks*

          Yes she did, but by that time I’d already been using it for a while. I did feel bad for not thinking it might be a problem.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Nah, don’t feel bad. It does mean that I have to retire the name from columns or it’ll sound like I’m writing about a specific commenter, but so be it.

    2. Carrie in Scotland*

      Where’s yours from? You can’t ask and not share! ;p

      Mine is name + location, which is original enough. I do sometimes post under a different name to be anon. I usually use the handle ‘tartan belle’ on other forums but…*shrugs* I quite like being under my own name but hopefully not being (completely) identifiable at the same time.

    3. Amber Rose*

      I use my real name here.

      I have 2 other aliases with origins rooted in a complex (and silly) imaginary world I invented when I was 13. I use them on most forums and chat boards that I’ve been on since then.

      Thing is, I have made a ton of friends online since I was 13. Some of them I’ve met offline. Almost all know everything about me. I’ve started to feel silly not just having my name out there from the start. I tack my middle name on to distinguish me from the apparently billion other Ambers. :)

      1. P*

        You must be aware of the other, fairly high profile Amber Rose? Lol – she’s beautiful but not everybody’s cup of tea.

        I’m just picturing her now sitting in an office chair in a skimpy outfit and sunglasses, posting to Ask a Manager, and the visual is cracking me up.

          1. P*

            Ah. Well, she’s mostly famous for her attachment to Kanye, so I wouldn’t be too ashamed about that! I personally like him and his music but I know that’s quite an unpopular opinion.

            2. Audiophile*

              Isn’t she now known for her connection to Wiz Khalifa? I guess Kanye came first.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Mine just came to me when I tried to come up with a completely anonymous name to really speak my mind about things, instead of having to hold back. On most forums I use my first name, my last initial, and a number, and I have used it for decades across many different forums, so a lot of people know that it’s really me. (It’s a pretty uncommon first name, too.) So I just came up with mine on the spur of the moment when looking to start an alias that had nothing to do with my real name, although it was probably influenced by the fact that I wanted to use it to rather stridently (but civilly) argue with people. I just didn’t want a potential employer to make the connection to me in that context.

    5. Sunflower*

      A sunflower was the avatar I picked to go with my computer log-in account on my laptop. It’s kind of happy and cheery. I’d used it on other sites too. I have a bit of a unique name and i liked to stay anonymous so I’m happy sticking with it!

      2. Treena Kravm*

        Yes! If you google my first name and the state I live in (California!), my LinkedIn is the first hit…ugh. My parents really wanted me to be a special snowflake!

        1. chump with a degree*

          Ha, Treena you are local to me, and my name is more unusual. I never use my real name.

    6. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I used to use my first initial, last name as all one word (ex. bsmith) but that was the prefix to my work email and I had revealed enough details about situations at my job that I got paranoid of being found out by coworkers.

      I’m not creative about making up user names, so Jamie suggested one for me: Mallory from Family Ties. She said she pictured me looking like her, which was kind of uncanny, because when that show was on, everyone used to say that I looked like her. So I went by just Mallory for awhile.

      I added on the Janis Ian when another commenter started using Mallory. I took it from Mean Girls, and then fposte enlightened me about the REAL Janis Ian, so now I like it even more. (I should pretend that I was on to that reference all along, but no . . . )

    7. Cath in Canada*

      Real first name. No regrets, but I will confess to being one of the “anon for this one!” people if there’s something I want to say that’s a higher security risk :)

    9. Natalie*

      Real name. I do kind of wish I had picked a fake one, or used the typical handle I use elsewhere, mostly because people occasionally show up with the same name and its disorienting. Was I sleep-commenting?

    11. Victoria, Please*

      My name is Victoria, but people are always calling me Vicki after being introduced. No one is allowed to call me that except a very small group of family members. I also get called Virginia, Veronica, Vanessa, and Valerie. So I smile and say, “It’s Victoria, please.”

      1. TheLazyB*

        That must drive you mad. I always try to take people’s cues as to what name they want, or just ask if I’m not sure. But I used to work with someone who was introduced to me as (anonymised) Christine, but I used to hear people calling her Chris, so I said ‘which do you prefer?’ and she said either. Which doesn’t help :) (Incidentally I think if she’d said ‘both, it doesn’t matter’ that would have been fine – it just sounded from what she said like there was a ‘right’ answer and she didn’t want to tell me!)

      2. katamia*

        LOL. My mother’s name is Virginia, but she goes by Ginny, so she doesn’t get Victoria, Veronica, etc. very often. She gets Jenny often enough that she doesn’t bother correcting most people, though.

    12. Graciosa*

      Mine is from a fairy tale, Graciosa and Percinet in the Red Fairy Book (Andrew Lang). It can be hard to find names for web sites or logins that are original and memorable, so I’m pretty happy with it.

      I will admit, however, that from the perspective of an actual adult, I am completely unimpressed with the behavior of fairy tale Graciosa in the story. She mostly wrings her hands and wishes that Percinet would save her – which he does – repeatedly! – without ever taking even the most rudimentary steps to take care of herself. She also keeps returning to an abuser so – not exactly a role model.

      Basically, I just liked the name.

    13. Mimmy*

      I used to use variations of my real first name, but got paranoid since I’m relatively open about my situation and career woes, so Jamie suggested Mimmy and another Hello Kitty-related name (which I forget) since she felt I was sweet like them. But in hindsight, when I wanted a new name, I wish I’d remembered who it was from Glee that Jamie said I reminded her of (similar to Mallory Janis Ian above).

    14. The Other Dawn*

      Mine came about because I commented using my name, Dawn, and then saw another Dawn on here. I didn’t want to be confused with anyone else, so The Other Dawn is what I went with. I kind of wish I’d thought of something more creative, but that’s not my strong suit.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        The Other Dawn reads as kind of poetically evocative to me: the other night, the other day, the other dawn . . . maybe it has a hint of wistful remembrance of something that happened on that other dawn . . .

    15. OfficePrincess*

      My counterpart in our Midwest office is sometimes referred to as the “(thing we do) queen”. My boss has joked that since I caught on so quickly and am almost as good as her that it makes me the princess. This was around the time I stated commenting more, so I rolled with it.

    16. Sandrine (France)*

      I started as Sandrine (real name) and then added the country after a big discussion about the audience here xD.

      And today, since I’ve had a new computer for a few days, I had to type in the info again when commenting so I decided to use my full current online nickname (SandrineSmiles) that I’m pretty much using everywhere :) .

    17. Stephanie*

      It’s just my first name. Ha. I’m not creative in that regard. I do wish I had thought of something more clever. I noticed a few other Stephanies commenting, so that’s when I added an avatar (which was a tiny photo of me and then was the Muppet).

    19. Lindsay J*

      I’ve got no problem using my first name – and last initial, too!

      Honestly, my full name is so common that unless you put a lot of extra info (my home town, birth year, alma mater, etc) nothing about me comes up in the first 10 pages of Google search for my name.

      I do give a lot of information about my work history here that could be used to track me down I guess. But I don’t say anything on here I wouldn’t stand by if questioned about in “real life”. I never really say anything (I don’t think) that could be construed as acting as a representative of any of my employers. I don’t use my employer’s names. And I’m pretty much a peon so the likelihood of anything I say causing controversy is smaller than if I were someone with significant power within/over an organization.

      I also didn’t want to use any of my regular online handles here because I don’t want them connected with my work history. For example, my Reddit username has a lot about me that I don’t mind being out there, but that I wouldn’t necessarily want connected with my work persona.

    21. Lamington*

      I am a fan of Community Channel in YouTube and Natalie Tran has promised forever she would bake lamingtons for a video. So it is a private joke with her fans.

    22. the gold digger*

      My name is from my blog name and that name was given to me by my husband’s parents. Except I left out the rest of the name, which is “Catholic bitch who won’t get a job.” The “ho” is implied – so really, it should be “Gold-digging Catholic ho who won’t get a job.”

    23. danr*

      Every once in awhile I think of changing and using a variation of my old CB handle. But, I’ve been online and participating in email discussion lists almost since they started and never used a handle, so why start now?

    24. Noah*

      I don’t use my real first name, but it is my middle name and what everyone calls me anyways. Sometimes I regret using a real name, but if I used my standard online username it would link up way too many places. I will also do the “anonymous for this” sometimes because I’ve shared this site with many from my professional circles and don’t always want stuff to come back to me.

    25. Buggy Crispino*

      I used to use my real first name, but there were several Steves already here. I think it was very early this year that someone suggested those of us with common names pick something else, or ask other commenters for suggestions. “Buggy Crispino” is one of my favorite comic strip characters that (I believe) was never even seen. He’s from a strip called “One Big Happy” by Rick Detorie and he’s a sort of unwanted love interest to one of the main children characters named Ruthie. The situations in the strip and just his name in general always cracked me up.

      Oddly enough, I have been commenting here way less than I used to. In fact I even had a dream recently that Alison and Evil HR Lady were hosting a meet and greet of all the commenters here (at Alison’s “house” which was an old 747 airplane that Alison’s husband thought was really funny to take off on a flight without telling anyone what was going on). Anyway, in my dream, every time I joined in someone’s conversation or made any kind of comments, someone would look at me and say “now, who are you again? I just can’t seem to remember ever seeing you before.”

      1. salad fingers*

        Okay, this is awesome and makes me wonder if anyone else has/remembers AAM dreams.

      3. ThursdaysGeek*

        I remember you as Steve, but only because of your cat avatar. I’m glad when people change their name, they keep their looks (and vice versa).

    26. Trixie*

      Kind of my alter ego, started when a former colleague/friend used it on me. Lost in Space tribute, no doubt.

    27. Blue_eyes*

      Mine is the beginning of an email address I use. And, yes, I do have blue eyes. I use this handle on some other sites as well. Using even my first name would make me paranoid, even though it’s a common enough name.

      1. Oh anon*

        When I created it, I was living in Ohio, so “OH” and wanted to stay anonymous, but I wasn’t particularly creative at the time.

    29. Grey*

      I will paint my picture
      Paint myself in blue and red and black and grey
      All of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful
      Grey is my favorite color
      I felt so symbolic yesterday
      If I knew Picasso
      I would buy myself a grey guitar and play

    30. Ann Furthermore*

      I stole mine from my sister, when she once said that if she ever wrote her memoirs, her pen name would be Ann Furthermore.

    31. saro*

      Just a variation of one of my names. I keep wanting to change to ‘Theon Greyjoy’s Lifecoach’ but I don’t like Theon’ss character in GoT.

    32. Colette*

      I use my real first name. I don’t regret it, but there have been a couple of times where I’ve held back from saying something because I’ve referred people to this site and was afraid they might recognize me.

    33. salad fingers*

      Fun! We’ve asked this before on an open thread, I think. I went by whatever name came to mind until Alison asked everyone to stick to one. The most recent one I had used was salad fingers, which came to mind as I was ungracefully trying to eat a salad and write a comment. It’s also a reference to a delightfully creepy animated series.

      I honestly don’t know if I ever used the same username here twice before Alison requested we do so. I tend toward internet anonymity (even used a random nonsense name to sign up for uber, which means I get stupid confused every time a driver is like, “Are you Ensalata Phelanges?”) so it was initially an unnatural move. I really enjoy having a composite picture of the commenters here though, so I like this setup.

    34. Nashira*

      Nashira is the name of Gamma Capricorni. I picked it off a list of star names ages ago, and almost identify better with it than my legal first name.

    35. Jean*

      Jean is my middle name but unlike Noah (see above) it’s not something people call me in the physical world. I wanted something easy to remember.

    36. Merry and Bright*

      I began by using my middle name but then saw another commenter was already using it. I then changed it but that was too similar to someone else’s. Then last winter when it was very grey and gloomy here, I heard the song “White Christmas” on the radio and decided to take my next name from the line “may your days be merry and bright” because it seemed nice and cheerful for the weather.

      I have a couple of other names I use sometimes if I want to go undercover for something. I know a family member and my best friend read AAM sometimes so it can spare my blushes a bit. But I try to remember not to switch mid-thread since Alison raised this a while back.

      1. TheLazyB*

        Oh dear, I thought it was from ‘one finger one thumb keep moving’. White Christmas makes way more sense!!

        1. Swedish Tekanna*

          Ha ha! I can hear the words from “one finger” going round my head and I can see how the words merry and bright might fit somehow!

          1. Swedish Tekanna*

            I pressed submit too soon but meant to add about my user name. I am from the UK, not Sweden. But I am a big tea drinker and my sister bought me a large teapot from Ikea for my birthday last year, and I found out that tekanna is the Swedish word for teapot so it seemed appropriate for the teapot themes on AAM.

          2. TheLazyB*

            One finger one thumb keep moving, one finger one thumb keep moving, one finger one thumb keep moving, we’ll all be merry and bright :)

            1. fposte*

              I learned it as “happy and gay.” I wonder if this is one of those Hokey Pokey/Hokey Cokey things?

              Some of my most glorious moments in youth were singing “One Finger One Thumb” at camp in a roomful of young women all singing at the top of their lungs and stomping on the wooden floor in unison. An excellent cacophony.

              1. TheLazyB*

                You know what? I just realised my 3 y o does not know that song. I learned it from my grandad. Time to pass it down the generations :)

                I just googled – I’m guessing the merry and bright/happy and gay thing is a Brit/US thing, but each variant adds in different thing. Wow.

                In fact right now I want my son’s friends to learn it too so that we can do it at his birthday party next month! *wanders off deep in thought*

    37. Jen RO*

      Many years ago (almost 20!) when I first started using the internet and I was hanging out in IRC groups with foreign folk, I figured that they wouldn’t be able to ever say my real name correctly (and I knew that it would irk me even if they were virtually strangers), so I went with a nickname that made sense to me and was easy to say*.

      *What I never considered was the fact that “J” is pronounced completely differently in Romanian, so I ended up getting a lot of friends who said my “new” name in a way I hated!

      I added the RO because “Romania” was too in-your-face for me, but I wanted to have a way to indicate that I am not American like the majority of the commenters.

    38. Fish Microwaver*

      I chose mine after reading that microwaving fish in the office is the most egregious thing one can do.

    39. Carrie in Scotland*

      I’m loving all of these reasons, I’m glad you asked the question LazyB! :)

        1. Jaune Desprez*

          I suspect it’s a reference to Flora Poste, the heroine of Stella Gibbons’ perfect novel, Cold Comfort Farm.

            1. Jaune Desprez*

              If you’re not familiar with it, it helps to know that Cold Comfort Farm is a parody of the “loam and love child” novels that were popular at the time, most of which featured rural characters living in a primal, earthy, and generally disgusting way. Flora Poste is an avatar of the forces of civility and order who comes to show her Sussex relatives that their lives don’t have to be brutish, nasty, and short.

              1. fposte*

                Yup. And she signs herself “F. Poste.” I’ve used it for a while online to remind myself to maintain civil behavior, though it doesn’t always work.

                2. Not So NewReader*

                  Hmm. I thought it was working out well for you. Maybe you have excessively high standards. ;)

    40. Aussie Teacher*

      I just went with the obvious – country and profession. I tell people about this site all. the. time. though so I’m pretty paranoid that everyone will know it’s me…

    41. Jaune Desprez*

      My handle is the short name for Desprez a Fleur Jaune, an antique climbing rose I used to grow back when I lived in a warm and humid part of the U.S. where it could flourish. It bloomed eleven months of the year and smelled like heaven.

      The other name I considered was Mme. Alfred Carriere, but Madame Alfred is a practically thornless variety, and I am not a rose without a thorn.

        1. TheLazyB*

          As long as they’re with a smile and not beating yourselves up, that’s fine by me :)

    43. Windchime*

      This is the online name that I have been using in various places for around 15 years. I originally chose it because the guy I was dating at the time gave me a gift of some windchimes for my birthday.

      I don’t usually use my real name in online communities because it’s an uncommon spelling and I don’t want to be identified.

    45. Come On Eileen*

      I’m a huge 80s nerd and Come On Eileen is just an amazingly awesome and classic song from the best decade ever. Though I will admit that I love the Save Ferris version just as much ad the original.

    46. ThursdaysGeek*

      My older sister does a good Wednesday (from the Addam’s Family), so I’m Thursday. Plus I’m a computer geek.

    47. Meadowsweet*

      mine’s the flower associated with my Celtic zodiac tree, as determined by a wander through a long-gone website :)
      I used to put V. in front (for another flower), but I clear cookies on close and got tired of typing it :)

  26. Noelle*

    Guys, wedding planning is THE WORST. I keep expecting it to get easier or more fun, but mostly I’m just kind of dragging myself through it. I feel bad that I am just not excited at all about the wedding. I’m excited to be married, and the honeymoon part seems pretty cool, but the whole wedding thing is just a hot mess. I guess the worst thing is that no one really talks to me about anything else any more. What kind of flowers are you going to have? What kind of cake will there be? Did you get your wedding dress? What’s the “mood” of the reception? Ugh, I just don’t care! If I weren’t Catholic, I would elope. Is there a Catholic way to elope? Is there a way to get people to talk to me like I’m a person, and not like my life revolves around floral arrangements?

    1. Amber Rose*

      “It’s a secret. But I promise it will be great. Have you seen the new Avengers movie?”

      Or whatever preferred change of topic.

      Honestly I didn’t even have flowers at my wedding. I made center pieces for the tables myself (I decimated the dollar store, it was great) and that was the sum of my decorations. Precisely because I don’t give a crap about floral arrangements. I think I told people that too, and they stopped asking me, so maybe blunt honesty will work?

      1. Noelle*

        The blunt honesty hasn’t worked, but I’ll definitely try the secret line! Honestly, the biggest issue is my older sister, who is insanely excited I’m finally getting married (I’m pretty sure my family thought I’d be single forever, I didn’t really date until this relationship, which started when I was 27). I’m glad she’s excited, but there’s only so much I can take. I think I might try giving her assignments to keep her busy. She can pick the flowers!

        1. Hlyssande*

          Yes, give her assignments if she cares so much! I’ve heard that it’s a great way to get the overbearing relatives off your back when you just don’t care about a thing.

      2. Noah*

        My sister had Dollar Tree centerpieces too. Here’s were a mix of candles and photos of the couple. If you stick with a few colors (her’s were black, silver, and some stuff was glass/crystal) it looks cohesive. She did all the photos in black & white too.

    2. Florida*

      About a year or two ago, a couple at my church got married during the regular weekly mass. The normal congregation was there for mass. The couple must have had a few extra people there but not enough to notice.
      I assume they had a reception for their family and friends but I don’t know.
      They didn’t elope, it was planned, but they decided to get married during the weekly mass instead of a having their own wedding mass. I’ve been catholic my whole life and that’s the only time I showed up for church and was suddenly at a wedding. It was very nice. Low key. I liked it.

      1. TheLazyB*

        I love that and was brought up Catholic and have never heard of it! Lovely.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My inlaws had a service with just a best man and MOH. It was a Catholic service. I think they just scheduled a wedding and did not send out any invites.
      I so wanted to do this, I do not get a lot out of big flashy weddings. But family member insisted on church wedding with a bunch of people. Both of us were miserable. It was a lot of work and it was nothing we wanted. We went through it anyway. Like you are illustrating here, someone got going on the color ribbon I was using and I just about lost it. I said something to the effect of “It does not matter what color I use, we will still be legally married. No one cares about the ribbon!” oh, boy.

      I thought that this worry about detail was myopic and teetering on disrespectful. There is stuff that is important in a marriage, but the flashiness of the ceremony seemed so superficial to me. We are committing our lives to each other and all this person could think of was the color ribbon we would use. Am shaking my head.

      My opinion is have the service you want, not what someone else dictates by pitching a hissy fit until they get their way. All you need is an officiant and two witnesses.

      1. Noelle*

        So far we are at the point where we’ve booked some things, but could get out of it if we really wanted to. I kind of want to get out of it and do something (much, much) smaller. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in everyone.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I agree. I saw some really bad behaviors all around. My husband and I never talked about our wedding day. We had done it to please other people and they were not that pleased. It felt like a show to us- it wasn’t us.

          We could have had a quiet wedding then later had a large cookout for other people. That would have been “us” and would have been a blast.

          1. Noelle*

            That sounds like a lot more fun. And I’m kind of shocked how little control I have over stuff. My family is going to be annoying no matter what I do, people I’m making special accommodations for don’t care, and I know it’s just going to be a pain. I don’t understand why people can’t at least pretend to be happy or care about what we might want.

    4. Clever Name*

      My mom did most of the heavy lifting in terms of planning my wedding, and it was glorious. I got married in my hometown, where my parents still live and I was living several states away. It really was great. Thanks Mom!!

      1. Noelle*

        That’s so nice! Unfortunately, that’s one of the things that’s bumming me out most of all about this wedding, my mom is being awful about it. She’s turning into this massive ball of judgement and meanness, even though she’s also said she doesn’t want anything to do with this wedding and she just wants to show up for the day and then leave. For someone who wants nothing to do with it she sure has a lot of mean opinions! This isn’t anything new, but my mom is just never happy or excited about anything in my life and the older I get, the more it bothers me.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Reason number 237 to do as you would like. She is proving to you, that if you do as she likes, she still won’t like it. That can eat at you for a bit. Then you can decide, “Enough!” and just live your life according to your best judgement, realizing that she has decided no matter what you do, she will find a negative to say. This can mean freedom, if you think about it. You can do as you wish, because all your actions will provoke the same type of response.

          My father did not want much to do with my wedding, either. (Long story.) But he did not inject his opinion on anything. And he did give us money to do as we wished. Later, I found out that it was a substantial part of what little savings he had left. At first I was upset with him, but time has been kind on that one.

          1. Noelle*

            I’m pretty much ignoring her at this point, but it does hurt when I hear other people talking about their moms. I’ve just never had a good relationship with her and even though I’ve accepted that it doesn’t make it easy. I’m lucky that at least my father is very excited and happy for me (and he’s pretty much the only reason my mom is even invited at this point).

        2. Clever Name*

          Im sorry. That’s really rough. :( i got married really young, and both my mother and I have changed over the years. I’m not sure planning a wedding with her would be as easy now as it was then.

          1. Noelle*

            My mom has definitely changed as I’ve gotten older. When I was a kid she had a really bad temper and that has mostly stopped, but now she just creates drama and snarks about everything. So she’s calmer but overall, kind of meaner, I guess? Some people were talking upthread about the difficult relationships they’d had with their mothers and a lot of it really resonated with me.

    5. the gold digger*

      You can elope if you are Catholic. Go to the JP and then you just need to have your marriage blessed later. That was an option I had gotten my (Catholic) mom to agree to so I could prevent having to invite my husband’s parents, who, as I feared, did create drama.

      But before we decided to have an actual wedding – I didn’t care about having a wedding, I just wanted to be married – my mom said that as long as we would include her in the religious part, she was OK with our eloping. My husband’s parents would rather eat ground glass than attend a religious ceremony (because they are full of those STUPID PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN GOD), so there would have been no drama.

      I still wish Primo and I had gone with that option. Having his parents at our house for nine days (do not let anyone stay with you during your wedding), dealing with their being drunk every night, dealing with their requirements (Primo had to set up the stereo in the living room for them because they were sooo bored), worrying that we would be stuck with his mom for six months after she fell down the stairs (had she broken her hip? no – whew), worrying they wouldn’t leave because Doris (Primo’s mom) had lost her wallet one night – fell out of her purse at a restaurant and she didn’t notice because she was drunk – and hence lost her ID, and then having Doris accuse me for the past six years that I had stolen her watch (I don’t wear a watch and if I wanted one, I could buy my own), for which we scoured the house a few times, only for her to tell us a few months ago that guess what! It had fallen into the pocket of the sweater she had been wearing was way too much work and drama.

      I forgot how that sentence started! Anyhow – elope and marry a rich orphan. That is my advice to everyone.

      1. Noelle*

        Oh God, your in-laws stayed with you for nine days? That sounds horrific, especially when you’re also worrying about wedding stuff. For me, the nightmare would be if it was my mom staying, but I still can’t even imagine. I guess I’m at the point where I feel like the ONLY thing anyone should say about my wedding is “I’m so happy for you.” Even if it’s a lie. ESPECIALLY if it’s a lie.

    6. Sunflower*

      i totally get what you mean by ‘no one talks to me about anything else’. i was just in my sister’s wedding and it felt that way for me around our mutual friends. i noticed it was the only thing they talked to her about. Maybe try ‘ahh it’s so stressful, i don’t even want to think about it. let’s talk about something else!’. i like Amber Rose’s suggestion a lot also. Will keep people from asking a ton.

      Also I wasn’t aware receptions had ‘moods’ LOL I thought the mood was fun

      1. Noelle*

        I didn’t know about moods either! Or that there are a million different shades of white and no other color is acceptable. You would not imagine the drama that ensued when I went to a wedding store and asked to try on a light blue dress. “No! It doesn’t come in white and even if you like it you’ll just be disappointed it doesn’t come in white!” Or, maybe, I could just wear a blue dress? I’m definitely going to try Amber Rose’s suggestion, because I’ve been doing the stressful line and it hasn’t worked. Mostly because people are then like, “oh, maybe I can help. Let me show you a thousand pinterest ideas!” Not helping!!!

    7. Thinking out loud*

      My husband is Catholic and I am not. My mother was pretty clear that she would not go to my wedding if it was in a church, so we had a small wedding at his church (not a full mass) with about a dozen friends and took them out to Indian food (with the priest!) afterwards. We also had a “big wedding” that family and friends came to, but we both enjoyed the Catholic wedding much more – I kind of wish that’s all we had done.

      1. Noelle*

        The big wedding just doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’d honestly rather do it with just my fiance (hence why eloping appeals to me). Although a dozen people at a restaurant (preferably Thai!) would definitely be more my style!

    8. blackcat*

      One of my catholic friends and her husband just made plans with the priest, not telling anyone. I’m not sure exactly how the ceremony went down (it was not a public mass), but they were quite happy. All they needed was the priest who understood my friends’ social anxiety. I know they spent a lot of time talking to the priest before the wedding (I guess doing premarital counseling?), so I bet it was easier given that they had that relationship.

      1. Noelle*

        My priest has not been very responsive at all. In fact I’m still not 100% sure we have a date yet because he hasn’t talked to me in weeks and he still hasn’t put it on the calendar. Apparently he’s trying to get some archdiocese position and be a bigwig in the church, and doesn’t have time for silly stuff like sacraments. Maybe what I need to do is find a different church.

  27. Nobody*

    Looking for BBQ advice…

    I recently moved to the South, and people around here love to barbeque. I didn’t eat much BBQ before I moved here, but I’ve discovered that I really enjoy good BBQ, and I’d like to try my hand at it. There are so many choices, though, and I’m overwhelmed! Grill or smoker? Gas, charcoal, or electric?

    I’m willing to spend up to $1200 for something that’s worth the money, but I’m afraid if I spend a bunch of money on a Big Green Egg, I’ll end up wishing I bought a gas grill, instead. I see a lot of ads for cheap grills, some under $100, and I know they’re not high quality, but I’m wondering if I should start with something cheap to see if I like cooking BBQ anywhere near as much as I like eating it before I make a big investment. On the other hand, I don’t want to waste my money on a piece of junk that will give me poor results.

    Any suggestions? Thanks!

    1. TL -*

      Charcoal and I’d say get a grill before a smoker, though it really depends on what kinds of bbq you want – brisket really requires a smoker.

      The meat and technique matters more than the equipment, so I’d make sure you like the process before spending a lot of money. Plus, you’ll still get delicious food.

      1. Nobody*

        I’d really like to cook pulled pork and ribs, but it would be nice to be able to make a quick dinner, like burgers or chicken breasts. I have friends who swear by electric smokers, but I’ve read that you get better flavor from charcoal. The Pit Barrel Cooker is highly recommended by some web sites, and it’s relatively cheap ($300), but it looks more labor-intensive than an electric smoker. Neither of these looks great for grilling a few chicken breasts. Maybe I’m just trying to get too much out of one appliance.

        1. LisaLee*

          I recall Alton Brown (of the Good Eats show on Food Network) had an episode about building your own smoker from hardware store materials for cheap. It didn’t look too hard to do, but I’ve always lived in cities so I’ve never had the space to try it.

        2. TL -*

          Are you looking for flavor or convenience first? If flavor, get charcoal and be prepared to invest time – bbq, good bbq, is not quick. If you’re more interested in convenience, get electric, but be aware you probably won’t be able to quite get the flavors you’re thinking of. Is your love of bbq coming from friends’ food or restaurants? If the former, what do they use? If the latter, they’re probably using wood or charcoal and lots of time.

          If money isn’t an issue, I would start with a small grill and move on up to a smoker when you’ve gotten more practice. The small grill will also be helpful for throwing on a steak or chicken at the end of the day.

          1. Nobody*

            Well, I’m looking to have my cake and eat it, too! It would be nice to find something that offers flavor and convenience, but maybe that’s not feasible. I have a friend with an electric smoker, and he makes amazing chicken and ribs, but I also love pulled pork from restaurants that use charcoal or wood.

            Maybe I’m just expecting too much from one product and need to resign myself to getting a separate grill and smoker, but I don’t want to buy both simultaneously (if I end up losing interest quickly, I’d rather have one appliance I never use than two), so that brings me back to which I should start with. Decisions!

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        +1

        Spot-on advice. Charcoal gives the best flavor! Can’t say it emphatically enough :-) And you need a grill for the basics before adding on a smoker later.

    2. Wrench Turner*

      Put a pork shoulder in a slow cooker with my easy scratch BBQ sauce:
      1.5 c ketchup
      3 large tbs brown sugar
      2tbs molassas
      2tbs sesame oil
      2tbs soy sauce
      2tbs worchestershire sauce
      2tbs apple cider vinegar
      2 tbs chipotle with adobo
      garlic
      1fine minced onion
      3 fine minced jalapenos
      large hunk fine minced ginger
      When that’s done, take it out and shred it up. Take the sauce and reduce in a pan by 1/2. Toss in the pork. It’s not “authentic’ anything but delicious.

      1. BRR*

        This was going to be my suggestion. I do it with chuck roast and chicken too. But chicken in a slow cooker is a challenge (I use mostly thighs and about 4 hours).

    3. Gene*

      Just remember that grilling and barbecueing are two very different things, and you probably want a grill and a pit/smoker. I personally have no problem with gas grills, but the pit/smoker really needs to be wood, pellet, or hardwood charcoal fired. Electric can work, and it’s better than propane.

    4. Oh anon*

      Charcoal with woodchips (applewood, mesquite, hickory, etc). You could get something like a Brinkmann Smoke’N Grill Charcoal Smoker, that way you can “grill” (quick & high temp) or “smoke” (low & slow).

    5. Judy*

      We enjoy charcoal the most, but bought a gas grill after the kids were born. Charcoal adds a good 20-30 minutes to your cooking time, while gas is ready in an instant. Every so often on the weekends we will use the charcoal grill, but on weeknights, it’s all cooking with gas.

      It probably depends if you’re cooking to get food on the table or cooking for a hobby.

    6. Elizabeth*

      We have a Traeger pellet grill/smoker that I am devoted to. It makes amazing slow-smoked BBQ (divine pulled pork) and awesome tandoori-style chicken. About the only thing that we can’t make it do is produce a properly grilled steak. We’ve debated getting a small gas grill for that purpose.

    7. Artemesia*

      When we bought our first house in the south it had a gas grill on the deck. We later bought a webber for smoking but the gas grill is so super convenient that we prefer that. The first couple of months I don’t think we used the stove; we would grill something every night — just walk out the back door and grill meat and veggies. We went through two built in gas grills in the 25 years we lived in that house.

      With charcoal you have to mess with the mess, wait for the coals to get just right yadda yadda. The results are better and if you want to smoke things (we smoked a turkey for Thanksgiving and for Christmas, then you need a charcoal grill with smoker capacity (e.g. lid large enough to contain the smoke at least.)

      I think of BBQ as things cooked in BBQ sauce often slow cooked in the crock pot — or ribs parboiled and then grilled at the end with sauce. Grilling can include BBQ e.g. BBQ chicken or ribs but grilling out is not BBQ.

      I would start with a decent gas grill for its super convenience and add a charcoal grill later. A good enough charcoal grill is not terribly expensive.

      1. LD*

        I was hoping someone would make the point that BBQ is not grilling out. And for traditional southerners, BBQ is a noun, not a verb. Southerners don’t barbecue; they eat barbecue and “cook out.” Cooking out means using the grill outside to cook burgers, hot dogs, chicken, steaks, pork chops, or whatever on a grill, whether charcoal, gas, or electric. Barbecue is most often a slow-cooked, pit-cooked, or slow-roasted meat, typically pork or beef and it is also not usually cooked on a grill but in a pit-cooker (like a large custom oil drum with a grilling rack) or a real pit in the ground. Things are changing, but it still grates on my ears when I hear “barbecue” used as a verb. That ain’t right.

        1. nona*

          +1

          To me, barbecue is specifically pulled pork (could be from a slow cooker) and vinegar sauce.

          It’s all good, of course!

          And now y’all know where I live.

    8. Pennalynn Lott*

      Boyfriend bought a ginormous “oil drum” smoker for $400 two years ago. He has used it exactly twice. And the 2nd time I made him roll it out to the far end of the backyard (versus in the driveway next to the back porch) because I didn’t want the inside of the house to smell like a smokehouse. The smell gets into EVERYTHING. It actually turned me off of barbecue, which is something I used to love.

      He has had two electric smokers, and I can’t tell the difference in taste between electric or the big wood smoker. The electric ones keep breaking, though, so there’s that. (Though perhaps you’d take better care of yours, and clean it after each use. And maybe unplug it and put a cover on it when not in use).

      We also have a big gas grill, and it gets a ton of use. Chicken, steak, pork chops, burgers, veggies, peaches, apples. I highly recommend using a non-stick grill mat. It keeps the food from sticking to the grill; it keeps little pieces from falling through; and clean up is a breeze. (No more layers and layers of gummy burnt stuff on the grill).

  28. Brett*

    I am seriously considering returning to school to pursue my PhD. I could probably land a fellowship (had a half dozen publications and 3.9 for my MS from a top 10 school and a 170/167/6.0 (or 800/710/6.0 old scale) GRE. But a fellowship is not enough to maintain two households and my wife’s job is 3 hrs away from the closest PhD granting program in my field.
    When I did my masters degree, it looked to me like being too far away from school was the kiss of death for PhD candidates. Have others had experience with a PhD with that much travel distance to campus? Is it as low completion percentage as it anecdotally seemed to me?

    2. BRR*

      I know a lot of grad students and it would depends how often you’d have to be on campus. I would say that distance is huge especially with a lot of graduate classes at night to facilitate working students. Unless you particularly enjoy driving this will be flat out tortuous to do. 6 hours round trip for school. That’s 25% of a day traveling.

    3. fposte*

      I’m presuming you’re not talking any degree where you’d need to do lab work.

      I think it’s doable in the dissertation phase, but it’s really tough to do during the coursework years. The people I know who’ve done coursework at a distance like that do stay overnight on campus for part of the week. The other challenge is if you’re in a field where it’s advised that you take part in funded research you’ll need to be available for that.

      What is it you’re hoping to do with a PhD?

    4. Brett*

      My field is geography. While there is tons of lab work it is simple to do remotely. Eventual goal would be a tenure track position. There are several geography programs near me and there is such a geographer shortage that they all are hiring. Just none of them offer a phd. I’ve prepped and taught a handful of grad level courses as an adjunct already locally, though no big general survey classes.

      1. fposte*

        Okay, it sounds doable. But I would repeat the notion that it’s close to impossible to do coursework without staying overnight closer than 3 hours away. Also, even with geography programs near you hiring, it’s important to maintain enough visibility and contact during the dissertation phase that you have access to the networking and other opportunities that are a large part of the value of the degree.

    5. Artemesia*

      There is a big difference in the marketability of a PhD taken in residence that involves lab work or involvement in social science research projects at a top school and commuter degrees. PhDs are not about completing credit hours and writing a thesis; they are about engagement in the research of the department you study within. If your hope is a tenure track position where you study and how you study is critical to getting a job. And there are few of these jobs available.

      If you already have a job and the PhD would somehow enhance your career there, then it matters less. A PhD is rarely a door to career opportunities if it is not a prestigious degree from an intensive program.

    6. Artemesia*

      There is a big difference in the marketability of a PhD taken in residence that involves lab work or involvement in social science research projects at a top school and commuter degrees. PhDs are not about completing credit hours and writing a thesis; they are about engagement in the research of the department you study within. If your hope is a tenure track position where you study and how you study is critical to getting a job. And there are few of these jobs available.

      If you already have a job and the PhD would somehow enhance your career there, then it matters less. A PhD is rarely a door to career opportunities if it is not a prestigious degree from an intensive program.

  29. skyline*

    Earlier this week, I finally got fed up with my attempts to clean my cats’ stainless steel water fountain. The slime factor has been getting higher and higher, despite regular cleaning; the pump was increasingly flaky; and there were permanent hard water stains. So I went out to a new-to-me pet store and bought a new ceramic one, which is the Drinkwell Avalon. The water sound is a little louder than my previous one, so it’s like having a Zen Garden water feature in my apartment. (It doesn’t bother me, but I am sure it would drive some people up the wall.) One of my cats really likes it, while the other has ignored it–at least while I’ve been watching.

    …I may have also accidentally walked out of the store with a Lollycadoodle cat cave. I couldn’t resist! It was so cute! Both cats hopped into it within 5 minutes of it entering the apartment, but they have ignored it ever since. I bet they’ll come around with a bit more time.

    1. Trixie*

      I try to clean my water fountain almost monthly, wiping it down while soaking the motor in white vinegar. I’ve also been using bottled spring water.

      1. Bangs not Fringe*

        I also use bottled spring water. That’s what we (the humans) drink and when I noticed how stinky the cat water in our new apartment was getting after just a day, never mind the film and grime, I switched them over. They drink a lot more now and tend to sneak less water from my cups which I appreciate. We don’t have a fancy fountain though… just one of those gravity waterers.

    2. Windchime*

      I bought one of those fountains but it was loud and the cat was afraid of it. I recently noticed that he loves to drink water out of my glass that is sitting on a table, so now he has his own coffee cup on the floor with water in it. I change out to a fresh cup and fresh filtered water (from the fridge) daily and it really seems that he is drinking more water now.

    3. GOG11*

      I rearrange my cats’ trees and beds whenever I vacuum. The new location tends to renew their interest for a bit whenever I do it. That might help them rediscover it.

  30. Sunflower*

    So I’ve been watching a lot of HBO shows on demand- I decided to start with some with short seasons. I finished Tell Me You Love Me and How to Make it In America. I loved both of them and am so mad they canceled after Season 1 and 2. Tell Me you Love Me was unlike any show I’ve ever seen and i heard the writers and network couldn’t come to an agreement over season 2- so bummed. I’ve heard rumors they might do a HTMIIA season 3 and I’m so excited. What are your favorite shows that were canceled too soon?

    2. Carrie in Scotland*

      There was a whole bunch of programmes I got into a few years ago and it just seemed everytime I liked something it would get cancelled.

      I now wait awhile before committing myself – I’d really like to watch The Affair because I love Maura Tierney but I’ll have to wait until it’s on DVD (as I don’t have the channel that’s got the rights to show it over here).

      The last thing I got into that was cancelled after 1 season was Betrayal. I really enjoyed it but missed the final episode.

    3. katamia*

      Odyssey 5. What irritates me about that one is that they could have wrapped things up (or at least given some satisfactory answers) if they’d just had a couple more episodes. Wonderfalls. Jack of All Trades. The Mindy Project if Hulu doesn’t wind up saving it (I know it got three seasons, but I have this bizarre love for it that I can’t explain and really need more of it).

    4. Dang*

      I also loved TMYLM!! I read somewhere that the writers didn’t know where to go with it, which to me is crazy because I thought th character development was one of the best I’ve ever seen.

    5. Noah*

      Kings on NBC. I don’t think it even made it through all of season 1 in the original timeslot before it was moved to a horrible time and the rest of the episodes burned through. From what I heard though it was really expensive and the rating were really poor. Not a good combo.

    6. Ann Furthermore*

      I still miss Six Feet Under. It was my favorite show of all time. It didn’t really end too soon — it went for 5 seasons — but it was such a great show. It is also an HBO series, and since it was 5 seasons, it is definitely a time commitment, but totally worth it. Alan Ball, the guy who created it, was also the creative mind behind True Blood, and wrote the movie American Beauty. So if you liked either one of those, you’ll probably enjoy Six Feet Under.

    7. Grey*

      Ever since FOX cancelled Justice in 2006, I’ve stopped watching new TV shows. That way I’m not disappointed if they’re canceled too early. Nowadays you can pick up just about any show from its first season (DVDs, Netflix, etc.), so I usually wait until a series has its finale before I’ll start watching. Or, I’ll wait until it’s gone at least 4 or 5 seasons.

      I’m currently enjoying Season 3 of FX’s Justified and Season 2 of NBC’s Parenthood, both of which aired their final episodes this year.

      2. Jen RO*

        I was sure I’d find this somewhere. (The weird thing is, I kinda get why it was canceled. It took me two tries to get into it, at first it bored me…)

        1. Claire (Scotland)*

          It’s definitely not for everyone.

          But as to why it got cancelled, I’ll spare you the rant I have on that one. It takes too long to type out ;)

          1. Jen RO*

            The thing is, when I rewatch it I always love it from the first episode! In my case, it was probably a gut reaction to the space opera (I don’t like the genre, in general). I was the same with BSG – forced to watch the pilot, bored to tears, loved it a few years later.

    9. Burkleigh*

      Pushing Daisies. It aired 2007-2009 but I just recently discovered it…and binge-watched all two seasons. There should have been many more!

  31. ZSD*

    In Friday’s thread, I stated that I was moving from SoCal to DC and asked about work culture differences. (Thanks for all the responses!) Now, I’d like to ask for non-work-related advice! Any general advice for people living in the Beltway for the first time?
    Also, what do you think about neighborhoods/suburbs to live in? My realtor has suggested Bethesda, Arlington, Alexandria, Petworth, Brightwood Park, and Columbia Heights. I think we’re nixing Brightwood Park because it just doesn’t seem to have much going on, but what do people think of the other options I’ve listed? Oh, we’ve also thought about Silver Spring.
    My husband and I are both in our 30s, and we don’t have any kids. Which of these neighborhoods/suburbs might be a good fit?

    1. katamia*

      I don’t know much about the DC neighborhoods, but I grew up in Silver Spring and am still there fairly often. If you look in Silver Spring, check out the Metro stops (train and bus) if you’re going to be using public transportation, especially if you’re going to be working or frequently going into DC. (Although the buses here are terrible–they don’t come often enough, so they get filled up, and then they have to skip stops. Ugh, I hate the buses here so much.)

      Bethesda and downtown Silver Spring (Silver Spring is unincorporated, so a decent chunk of the county is “Silver Spring” beyond just downtown; I’m not sure how far afield you’ve been considering) both have decent restaurants and stuff, although Bethesda is fancier than much of Silver Spring. Are there specific hobbies or kinds of stores that you definitely want to be close to or anything like that? Anything you really don’t want to be near?

      1. ZSD*

        We’d like to be near public transportation and ethnic restaurants. I can’t think of anything we particularly want to avoid, other than violent crime, obviously.

        1. katamia*

          Definitely try to find something near the Red Line (subway line that runs from Silver Spring through DC to Bethesda/Rockville) if you go with Bethesda or Silver Spring, then. Like I said, the buses are terrible and it’s really better not to depend on them if you can avoid it. The trains aren’t perfect, but they’re much more consistent than the buses, or at least the Red Line is.

          I haven’t spent as much time in Bethesda (though there’s a Japanese restaurant we used to go to occasionally), but Silver Spring and the surrounding areas (Silver Spring is so big and so vague that you might wind up going to lots of other places, too–we’re close enough to both Prince George’s and Howard Counties that we’ve gone there to eat out as well) have a lot of ethnic restaurants–Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, and Central/South American are big in the Silver Spring area, along with Indian and Middle Eastern to a lesser extent. (Although most of the Indian restaurants in and around the Silver Spring area are not very good IMO.)

          I’d say Silver Spring probably has more violent crime than Bethesda, but I’ve never felt unsafe in either my part of Silver Spring or downtown Silver Spring. But then we might have different “feeling unsafe” thresholds, too.

          2. Sophia in the DMV*

            I live in Silver Spring, on the other side of the line, right near the Glenmont station. I love Silver Spring – especially downtown SS. I would say Bethesda is a lot more expensive than SS.

        3. saro*

          I LOVED living in Glover Park. Buses ran regularly and it was a wonderful, safe area. My cousin lived in Shirlington and liked it.

    2. Stephanie*

      Where’s your office? Traffic is pretty bad there. Metro’s an option if that works, but it can get expensive if you’re commuting from or near the termini (plus the crowding). Are you trying to buy or rent? Will you have a car? Do you mind taking buses?

      Also, I noticed realtors got creative with what was considered “Bethesda” or “Silver Spring.” I was way north in what was definitely Rockville labeled “North Bethesda.” And I agree with katamia that a lot of eastern Montgomery County is called Silver Spring.

      1. ZSD*

        my office is a bit south of the Dupont Circle metro stop. I definitely plan to take public transit to work. either metro or bus is fine. We’re going to rent; my contract is just for two years. We will have one car.

        1. Stephanie*

          If you don’t mind the bus, my friend lives in Glover Park (just north of Georgetown) and I loved that area.

            1. Stephanie*

              I also loved living in Shaw (lots of Ethiopian there), although I don’t know if it’s very affordable (relatively speaking) anymore. But it’s a quick bus ride to Dupont (or you could walk it even).

              There was a lot of development going on in Brookland as well as the area around the NY Ave Metro (I forget the neighborhood name, but I refuse to call it NoMa) when I left. You could also try around Union Station.

              1. Kate M*

                I live in Shaw! It’s great. I mean, house prices are going to be insane anywhere in DC. But honestly, the benefits of living actually in DC (vs. Maryland or Virginia) are so worth it to me. (Granted, I just rent right now, but still). Shaw is a great neighborhood. The Waterfront area is really up and coming too. NoMa is another one that’s really getting popular. Petworth would probably be good, although it seems a little far up for me. But I would definitely recommend the closest you can afford to the main areas of DC.

    3. Jillociraptor*

      I’m in my late 20s and most of my DC friends either live in Columbia Heights or Arlington. We lived in Arlington and really liked it. I’ve lived near both the Rosslyn and Courthouse metros, and we spent a lot of time in Clarendon. That whole area is nice. It’s pretty white bread–google the Arlington Rap which makes loving mockery of the number of Starbucks–but has lots of restaurants, lots of apartment buildings, lots of amenities (gyms, groceries, etc.), and easy transit.

      If you’re okay with being a bit further out on the Metro, you might look at Rockville too. Rockville Town Center is pretty nice, with shops, movie theater, lots of fairs/concerts, etc. and a bit more convenient if you drive than somewhere in DC proper.

    4. Christy*

      If your office is near Dupont Circle, then you really want to live on the red line. I don’t know why, with your office on the red line, you would choose to live in Virginia. Would you prefer to live downtown or in a suburb? Dupont Circle used to be a really hip area that a lot of young people ended up settling in, so there from my understanding are lots of thirtysomethings, often with kids. Silver Spring is a great area, and there are lots of apartments near the metro there. There’s also a ton of ethnic restaurants in the vicinity. Oh and fwiw I don’t find the buses bad at all–my girlfriend and I commute by bus every day and they’re fairly reliable. (We’re in Chevy Chase, which is between Bethesda and Silver Spring.) I commute slightly off-peak, which may help, but I’ve almost never had a problem. Certainly not what katamia is saying.

      Generally speaking, Bethesda is more upper class than Silver Spring. I personally can’t really stand the people who frequent downtown Bethesda, and I much prefer the crowd in downtown Silver Spring. Silver Spring is also more diverse than Bethesda, I’d say.

      1. ZSD*

        Thank you for the thorough response! I think your advice to try hard to live near the red line is good.

        1. Christy*

          You’re welcome! And also, Logan Circle is really hip and would be walking distance for you. (If you’re thinking living in the District.)

    5. JC*

      I am married in my 30s without kids, and my husband and I live in a condo in Adams Morgan near the border with Columbia Heights. Do you have strong feelings on living in a house vs. a condo? On living in the city vs. outside of the city? On needing to drive places vs. wanting to not have to drive much? I think where you should live depends a lot on those factors, especially since the neighborhoods/towns you’ve named are pretty different. I’m a city person through and through, and I enjoy living in DC itself even though I work in Arlington. I don’t plan on having kids and so I’m fine with living in a condo, and I hate to drive and thus don’t own a car. If you found owning a house more appealing, living in the close-in burbs or in a neighborhood farther from Dupont would be more practical. If you were looking at Columbia Heights, depending on where in the Dupont area you’re working, the 16th Street bus line can be a great commuting option (those buses run more frequently than the Metro does!). Many of my friends who want to still be in the city but who also want more space because they’re having kids are looking into buying houses in Petworth. All in all, I’d say take a trip and visit these places, because they are pretty different from one another. Good luck!

    6. Noelle*

      I lived in Arlington (Pentagon City) for 5 years and loved it. It’s so close to the city, but it also has a kind of a small town feel. It’s extremely safe and close to everything. I also lived in Columbia Heights for a while and it was pretty sketchy. This was eight years ago and it’s been built up a lot, but I still wouldn’t live there unless I was close to the metro. Same with Petworth.

  32. Natalie*

    I put in an offer on a house. AAAAAAH.

    Also, so much name signing. Good god.

    1. mdv*

      I feel your pain! I once had to sign my name 40 separate times to title 8 state-owned vehicles on a single trip (35 of them over the whole summer)… My name is 27 letters long, and I had to sign that plus “on behalf of my department name” every single time. Whew!

    2. danr*

      Well, when you close, the seller will have about a half hour of signing before your turn.

    5. D*

      I hope you get it!! Good luck!

      I just went back and forth and eventually had one accepted last week. I was terribly unproductive at work all week being stressed about negotiations and then excited about the house. Ugh. But also yay!

  33. Cruciatus*

    Oh, so many…The Middleman, Ben & Kate, Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apt. 23, Awake, Terriers, 10 Things I Hate About You, Joan of Arcadia, and my TV heartache probably all started with the cancellation of My So-Called Life.

  34. skyline*

    A friend unexpectedly got tickets to the Symphony tonight, and invited me to join her. Woo-hoo! I haven’t been an event like this in ages and am not sure what to wear. Is a dress (not super formal, it’s a jersey in a dark floral), ballet flats, and a white denim jacket okay? I could also wear the dress with a light cardigan or a linen blazer.

    1. BRR*

      It partially depends on how full or part time the symphony is. I as a man would wear a dress button down and dress pants. Hopefully that might help. I wouldn’t wear denim.

    2. Christy*

      Too late for you, but your outfit sounds perfect. I would go in jeans and a nice top, though, so I lean informal.

    3. skyline*

      I ended up wearing my dress with the linen blazer. There was a huge range of formality in people’s attire, but I was safely in the middle. (Also at the same level as my friends, which helped avoid awkwardness.)

      (It’s a pretty part-time symphony.)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I find that most local events like that are a mix of formal/casual. Those who like to dress up do, and those who don’t, don’t.

        I wore a dress to Albert Hall, but it was a sweater dress and I had leggings on underneath it because it was cold. Basically what I wore on the airplane, with a cute polka-dot scarf I got at Primark. Lots of people were very casual. It was the movie concert, though, not a classical thing with the Queen in attendance.

    4. class factotum*

      It is Done to wear jeans and a Packers sweatshirt to the theatre in Milwaukee. I spent a few years being appalled and trying to fight the trend, wearing a nice cocktail dress and heels, but finally got tired of

      1. trying to navigate slushy, icy sidewalks in heels
      2. getting salty slush on nice shoes
      3. being so damn cold, even inside (unlike Chicago, MKE does not heat public spaces to within an inch of their lives), that I had to wear my coat anyhow, so nobody even saw my pretty dresses

      That’s what I said screw it and wore jeans and boots instead. Now I get it. (But I don’t have a Packers sweatshirt, so I have to wear just a nice cashmere sweater. Over a t-shirt. Over a camisole.)

  35. ZSD*

    Test test – I’ve had my post eaten twice, so I’m checking if it’s a problem with the content of my post or with the site in general.

    1. ZSD*

      Okay, I guess it’s the content (or length?) of the post. Alison, any insight? Thanks.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Sometimes the spam filter just thinks something is spam when it’s not. When I see it, I release it; it’s generally pretty fast.

  36. Wrench Turner*

    Taking my career in a new direction, so I signed up for a series of auto mechanic classes at the local Community College. 20 years in one field, and coming in swinging to another. Kinda freakin’ out.

    This time, however, I’m paying for it class-at-a-time so no (more) crazy student debt.

    1. SherryD*

      Good luck, and have fun! I know some mechanics, and as an outsider looking in, it seems like a great job: interesting work, flexible hours (lots of shops have people working evenings, weekends, and sometimes even nights), and good pay. Oh, and job security – it’s not like cars are going to stop breaking down anytime soon!

  37. definitely anon for this*

    In honor(?) of Mother’s day weekend, I’m wondering if anyone else here has a complicated relationship with their mom.

    I was physically and emotionally abused by my mom. She was, by turns, distant / detached or overly, saccharine-sweetly, unnaturally, scarily affectionate. Volatile.

    After I moved out (aged 17) and she and my dad got divorced, she became an alcoholic – has been arrested several times, and not “just” for DUIs.

    Long story short, she’s toxic and I’ve been distancing myself and I’m really distraught about this especially as Mother’s day approaches.

    Is anyone else in this boat, so to speak? How do you cope? What has your journey been?

    1. Similar boat*

      I love and support the many mothers that raised me when mine didn’t. I also call my dad and wish him happy mother’s day.

    2. Anonforthis*

      I had a difficult relationship with my mother. She was an alcoholic most of my life and she and I didn’t get along for many, many reasons. We reconciled a bit during her last hospital stay, but then she passed away. That was 7 years ago. After she died, I cried a bit, but I cannot say that I remember her fondly or miss her often. I have come to accept that this is the way it is and that no amount of wishing it were different will help.

      I am sorry your mom treats you like this; it is possible to recover, but I found I had to allow myself to feel the way I felt and not feel guilty about not feeling more (if that made sense).

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        My mother died of cancer when I was a teenager. I woke up one day a year later and I was happy. This may be the only time in my life I ever woke up happy (that I can recall) and I immediately asked myself why because A, B, C though J that all sucked. The answer came to me from some part of my brain — “you’re better off without her” in those exact words and I immediately beat myself up over that. It took another year before I could admit it to myself without feeling guilty and another year after that before I could say it out loud and not feel guilty. The guilt now comes in trying to explain to other people. Not guilt in the sense that “I’m being disloyal! I’m telling things to people outside the family!” I’ve done enough of that for a few lifetimes and I’m over it, but more that I just don’t like talking about it. It seems that most people I know seem to have amazing relationships with their mothers so telling my truth just makes everything awkward and uncomfortable — it’s so contrary to what we are conditioned to expect to hear people say about their mothers. People can’t help, there’s nothing that can be changed and hearing “Oh, I’m sure she loved you” when I never felt it just doesn’t help — it’s not going to get me my childhood back, or a childhood. I wish there was a magic phrase that could get them to stop. It was only a couple of years ago that I found out that that she was probably a Narcissist. I say probably because I am not a psychiatrist and I don’t play one on TV but it’s the only thing I’ve read that fits and while she went to therapy once, she never talked about it. Even then, that’s not exactly a diagnosis you would brag about and in the mid-70’s no one used that term. So I spent years wondering WTF was up with our family dynamic (or lack thereof) — way too many years. I’ve never been in a place where I could afford therapy so I did what I could on my own and stumbling over that was the final piece. I read a book earlier this year called If You Had Controlling Parents which pretty much summed up a lot of what I went through with her. It’s funny how so many books will give you ideas on how to manage difficult people including what to consider when your parents get into poor health/are dying but I’ve never read one that had a “what if you’re just figuring this out and everyone is dead?” chapter.

        Days like today suck because no matter what, there are messages all over the place for weeks leading up to it about showing your mother how much you love her (even worse, it was her birthday a couple of days ago, nothing like having that double stress of Mother’s Day and birthday on the same day). I have so longed for a mother at many points in my life — just not the woman who gave birth to me — and that’s sad. Both of my parents totally sucked in their own special ways. It really does a number on you when you know by the age of 5 that you can’t trust either of your parents and you’re essentially on your own emotionally.

    3. Camellia*

      Been there, survived it, have the scars to prove. After wrestling with the same thing for years worsened by those who would say, ‘ but she’s your Moooooooom!’ it finally occurred to me one day that abuse was abuse, whoever inflicted it. If this was a spouse people would be telling me to GET OUT as fast as I could and NEVER GO BACK.

      You do not have to go back. You do not have to call. You do not have to do or be anything to this woman ever again. Nothing that she has inflicted upon you was or is your fault. The only reason you feel guilty is because this abuser has conditioned you to feel that way.

      Once this really sunk in to me I was able to start distance myself from her. If she called and started to be unpleasant – sorry, can’t talk, gotta run. Sorry, busy with work, can’t visit.

      However, I will be honest – I was not able to be completely finished with her, guilt free, until my daughter was born. Suddenly I looked at her and realized that what I was not able to do 100% for myself I could do for her. I could and would protect her from this abuser. When my mother died two years later I was guilt free.

      It can be a long journey but worth it to be safe, protected, and free of abuse. That is your goal and your right. I wish you strength for the struggle.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Coping: Be a good mom to myself.

      That sounds weird, but make sure you get yourself the things you need. I don’t mean go to the store and buy a ton of stuff. I mean if you feel you need further education, or cooking lessons or a better hair dresser, get out there and get this stuff for yourself. There is only one thing more suckier than having a sucky childhood. And that is perpetuating the “hungers” as adult by neglecting your own self. Take care of you. Do not allow that sense of deprivation to continue on in your adult life. Do what you can, as you can to get what it is you want/need. Make a commitment to do this.

      As a secondary thing, be on the watch for an older woman to be friends with. Does not have to be a lot older, ten years is enough. Just someone who is real, down to earth and consistent. Does not have to be a replacement mom, just someone who offers stability. This rock of Gibraltar person could be an aunt, an inlaw, or an older neighbor or anyone. I have a friend (male) who ended up being besties with his elderly neighbor. He shoveled her snow, she made him pies and gave advice and told good stories. It worked for both of them. It seems that nature abhors a vacuum, keep in mind that someone may walk into your life that will start (notice I said “start”) to fill in your gaps. Be willing to let that person do that for you.

      1. anon for this one too*

        I appreciate this thread. Drug addicted, abusive sociopath mother. Years of therapy. For the most part she is out of my life. I honor the women who “mother” me. Who listen to me at odd hours, who taught me to coo, to take care of myself. Sinead O’Connor has a great song….”this is to mother you”

      2. Anon here*

        Also to let myself know that I didn’t learn a lot of the more usual social skills that others have because of my childhood and I can give myself permission to learn them now (middle-aged) and make mistakes and not be so hard on myself. It is hard because some are so basic that people expect you to have them by now but … I don’t.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          This is beautiful.
          Yes, give yourself the gentleness that you deserve to have. This is one really good way of doing that.

    5. Oh anon*

      My parents are horrible, toxic people and therefore, I currently have no contact with them. I was recently on reddit’s raised by narcissists and came across this: “Toxics don’t get a vote on this one. They don’t have an inherent right to your forgiveness; they don’t get to erase their actions. You can neither forgive nor forget. You can say ‘No. You did these things to me, and you’re not sorry, and you’re not changing, and I don’t want you anymore.'”

      1. the gold digger*

        Amen. I am very very lucky to have had good parents. I didn’t realize how lucky I was until I met my husband’s parents. They are toxic. I just don’t have anything to do with them. I have not been to visit for over four years and will go to their funerals only to make sure they are dead. (And to support my husband.)

        Years ago, if someone had told me she has nothing to do with her parents, I would have wondered about her, only because I had had no experience with toxic, mean, alcoholic people. Now I have no doubt. I trust people I know when they tell me about the toxic people in their lives.

        1. definitely anon for this*

          Thank you all so much for chiming in. It’s a weird place to be in, because there is SO MUCH weirdness and craziness that I haven’t opened up to many people. I do have some older women in my life who have stepped into a motherly role – my MIL, an aunt in law, a mentor from high school – but I’m always afraid to acknowledge them in any way that could get back to her. I think part of the problem is that I haven’t actually gone NC or very low contact; I just avoid her as much as possible. I’ll hopefully be starting therapy soon and I think that will be very helpful.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            You don’t have to acknowledge these folks in any particular way. I do recommend acting like a sponge and soaking up everything they offer. People read that as “thank you”.

            When I help someone and I see them working with my advice/thoughts that is my thank you. Even if they don’t use my ideas but use my ideas to get their own ideas, I still feel thanked. You have probably SHOWN thank you in a dozen ways and you have no idea that you did this. I am guessing this is the case because it sounds like these people had/have ongoing involvement in your life. That means they are taking an interest and see you progressing in spite of all the suckiness you are experiencing
            Time will be kind to you. There is hope.

  38. Temporarily Anonymous*

    Regular commenter, but I keep referring people to this site and I don’t want to give my identity away –

    I have a week of vacation coming up (before Labor Day, so my week will be ten days off) and I’m looking for vacation ideas. I’ve already done what I think of as the basics in Europe and Asia, but I like going to new places. Have passport (and credit card) – will travel! ;-) I have enough money saved to pay for an impulse trip to an exotic destination, so that’s not really an issue.

    So far, I’ve considered locations like –

    New Caledonia,
    Australia,
    Iceland,
    Easter Island,
    Galapagos Islands, and
    Canary Islands.

    Any comments or suggestions? Any place I don’t go is likely to be added to my bucket list, and I do make regular progress on crossing things off. ;-)

    1. Treena Kravm*

      I recently went to Icelend and it was magical. My husband and I drove the Ring Road and went around the entire country in 14 days. 10 day is cutting it close for the Ring Road, but doable. You could also stay in Reykjavik and then fly to Akureryi (the big city in the north and a must-see) and do day trips from those two locations.

      We did hot springs, went to the top of Eyjafjallajökull (the volcano that erupted a while back and shut down airports), went to the Arctic Circle (more north than the mainland), hiked all over, saw waterfalls, ate lobster. If you’re into intense camping/hiking, then you can go to the interior and it’s supposed to be wonderful. Ok I need to stop now because I want to go back now.

      1. Temporarily Anonymous*

        It sounds lovely – especially the hot springs (I love a good spa!).

    2. BRR*

      I’ve also heard Iceland is awesome (and I think it’s still semi affordable). What type of vacation do you like?

      I’ve also heard amazing things about New Zealand. I’m not sure by your post if you’ve been but my husbands favorite place on earth is Cambodia. Alaska would be nice during that time. I also always advocate for Costa Rica but not at that time (rainy season).

      1. Temporarily Anonymous*

        New Zealand is essentially a required stop on the way to some of the islands I was considering, so I may be able to make it to both destinations. Costa Rica sounds interesting too – any recommendations for a better time?

        1. NZ Muse*

          With 10 days total and coming from the US I don’t think you would get much out of NZ as a stop enroute to somewhere else :(

          I adore Iceland (similar to NZ in many ways!) and I think that would be a good time of year to visit there. Ditto Australia (depending on what parts?)

        2. MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)*

          Yup, seconding NZ Muse. 10 days is kind of a minimum to do New Zealand, and even then I usually tell people 7-10 days for the north island and two weeks for the south island.

    3. Lamington*

      I usually have an open schedule and look for deals. I saw in Budget Travel site a great deal to go to Fiji and Auckland for 6-7 days. Maybe you can get inspiration there.

    4. Sunshine Brite*

      I think the Galapagos is booked out pretty far in advance usually and might not fit logistically with an impulse trip.

    5. Ann Furthermore*

      My stepdaughter went to Iceland on a school trip in 2013, and had an absolutely fantastic time. It was organized by one of the science teachers at her school, so they got to do all kinds of interesting neat stuff…they saw the volcano that disrupted air traffic in 2010, they went to a geo-thermal power plant, all kinds of cool stuff.

    6. Kitchenalia*

      I think Iceland sounds fabulous (I want to go there too).

      I’m not sure 10 days is enough time for Australia. Being a local and from experience, we are *such* a long way from the United States and the travel here and back is a bit of a killer. If you planned to visit, say, Sydney and then planned a couple of side trips that would be doable.

    7. Development professional*

      If you’re traveling in the summer, the lake district of Finland/Sweden is incredible. The best time to go is around the summer equinox, when you get very very long days and there are all kinds of fun festivals and events around it. Although it’s technically Europe, it’s not a spot that tons of Americans make it to when doing the “basics” in Europe. Flights to Helsinki are pretty reasonable.

  39. The Other Dawn*

    I’m looking for gardening ideas. I’m not a gardener so it has to be something easy to take care of. Over time I’d like to be more of a gardener, but right now I need to start small. And I’m a plant killer. (I bought myself one tomato plant and some perennials for the garden area; I’ll see how I do with those.)

    The area I want to work on is in my blog post (http://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2015/05/spring-has-sprung.html#.VU6aP45VhBc). I want to keep it looking kind of wild-ish, like something you would see in a meadow, or the edge of the woods. I’m thinking some Queen Anne’s Lace might look nice.

    Any suggestions?

    Also, has anyone ever had luck with those boxes of wildflower mix? You basically just shake it all around, water it, and watch it grow. At least, that’s the idea. My sister gave me a box and I’m wondering if flowers actually grow. It’s called Bird & Butterfly Wildflower Blend.

    1. Steve G*

      I’ve been gardening since I’m 12….I don’t like those mixes because sometimes nothing comes up at all, or too many big flowers come up in a clump and then you need to transplant, which means extra watering + knowing how much to space certain plants…so they aren’t low maintenance.

      If you want to keep the meadow look, you should strategically place wild grasses and perennial flowers that are going to come up year after year (as long as you don’t turn over the soil and bury/rip them out!). The most natural looking hearty perennial I know if the salvia Sylvester, it usually comes up in a thick clump about 18″ across with many many purplish/blue flowers, and they can withstand temperature fluctuations (I’ve had them outside when it went close to 50 degrees here and its fine). I also like (Montauk) daisies, though they are more of a bush and never really go away in the winter, which may be fine with you. I also have 3′ tall yellow daisies that die but come up again the next year, but I can’t find the official name for them. Mums are also good and come back year after year, and bloom almost all summer, so they definitely aren’t only a fall flower, like one would think. I also love cytisus flowers. They don’t die in the winter, just the flowers do. They can grow as high as 4′ and have 100s of small extremely bright flowers on them. I also like what I think is called tickseed, that comes back every year as well, its a small bush about 14″ across, with lots of small yellow flowers.

      Those were my recommendations for “low maintenance” since they come back year after year. Zinnias and sunflower aren’t “perennials” per se, but a small # will come back the next year on their own.

      I could go on and on, but I’ll stop there. A side gardening rant, don’t plant mint in the garden, I’d do it in a big pot if you really want it. Mint grows like a weed and can take over huge areas. I had a type of mint take over part of one of the gardens at my parents and it was like excavation work to dig out the deep, thick roots. Much thicker than a regular “weed.” Not worth it!

      1. Steve G*

        I dissed “wild flower” mixes (for novices), but my neighbor did have a type of seed-on-a-biodegradable-strip thing I helped him plant, and it was great for doing borders.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I have a “meadow” area on either side of the barn and I’m thinking I just might dump the box back there and see what happens. If they grow in clumps back there it won’t matter. It will just look like they’re supposed to be there.

          1. Artemesia*

            My mother collected seeds from plants in her garden — can’t remember now what they were, but they were blue and kind of on spears. She had a big jar and one day scattered them out the window of the car as they drove past some ravines in Washington state. For several years the hills were alive with these lovely flowers.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks so much! I believe I have the salvia Slyvestre – I just looked it up and the plants I have look like that, although they’re not very big at all. Maybe it’s a variation.

        Something I’ve discovered I have: onions! UGH!! I had those at the old house and it was a pain in the ass. They were everywhere! I now know i have them in the garden where all the flowers are. I think they’re scallions, actually, but don’t want to eat them just in case they’re not scallions. I’d love to find a way to get rid of those. Any ideas?

        1. Steve G*

          Urgh, 1/2 of the time I spent doing my new garden in NYC was pulling out onion grass……I have no words of wisdom, maybe others do. I never use chemicals so I’m not about to suggest any type of weed killer

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Keeping digging the onions out, if they are blended in with other stuff. Keep in mind that those onions may have been put there on purpose to deter deer/rabbits/others. A friend put in a boarder of onions/garlic on her herb garden and presto! no more bunny problem.

          It looks like you live in an area with critters. That is why I say this.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Ah, I didn’t think of that. It’s possible. Considering they’re only in the garden, that would make sense. I haven’t found them anywhere else.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Since I know next to nothing about gardening, I haven’t a clue. I did some research online, and haven’t made a conclusion as to whether it’s wild garlic or wild onion. I’ll try and post a picture on my blog a little later and then link to it. Maybe someone here can tell me.

        4. fposte*

          I suspect what you’re thinking of as salvia sylvestris isn’t; there are a lot of plants with blue spikes, and it’s early for salvia. It could be ajuga, which is a popular low plant with low blue spikes, or even catmint.

          For the wilder/informal area, you might check with people in your area to find popular passalong plants. Those are generally hardy spreaders that are happy in that locality; what you mostly have to keep an eye on is getting stuff that spreads too enthusiastically. I don’t know what your soil’s like–around here it’s very clayey and on the alkaline side–but you could check out oxeye daisies, which are cheerful and polite spreaders, and coneflowers, which are a classic prairie summer flower. I’ll also put in a link to High Country Gardens, because they have a lot of plans that thrive in informal settings with little care.

          2. fposte*

            Okay, I take it back–I just went for a walk, and plenty of other people’s salvia was out blooming.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Your place is gorgeous, btw.

      If you are interested in something similar to Queen Anne, you might like garden heliotrope- also called valerian. It’s the natural version of Valium, people used to use the roots for calming. It gets a lovely white cluster of flowers that turn a little pink. The best part- it smells like vanilla- it smells so good.

      The pond area looks kind of large. I would suggest doing large swaths of x or y, as opposed to one plant of this and one plant of that. It’s much easier to maintain if you do this. Pick something you like and get 3 or 5 of it. I use odd numbers because it forces me to put things in various shapes rather than straight rows.

      You can go with things like black eyed Susans, that will fill in quickly for you. There are also various daisies to think about.

      Hydrangea shrubs would look nice on your property- there are different varieties that grow to different heights. They would do well as a cluster by themselves in an area that you wanted to fill in.

      Keep an eye on your local ads, lots of non-profits are having plant sales now. I like to buy plants this way because the plants are donated by people who live locally. The plants usually have a very high survival rate because they are already used to the locale. If you go to these plants sales you will meet a lot of plant people who can answer questions for you. Sometimes you can get some real bargains. I bought a tray of vinca (myrtle) for $2. I would have paid $20 for it retail.

      I worked in a nursery for almost a decade- we never had much luck with wildflower blends and did not recommend them to people. Maybe they are better now? I don’t know. I think your best bet is to ask a neighbor for a clump of what ever you would like.

      Because of the size of your place, I would try to keep things simple. This would mean a cluster of this over here and a cluster of that over there. Think about painting a picture, a group of red somethings here, a group of pink other things over there and so on. It will be a lot easier to keep track of. I put stuff in the ground and then forget I have planted it. I have lost a lot of money that way. Keep a binder with pics helps to remind you of what you have where.

      A tidbit I picked up in the biz was to spend no more than 5% of the value of your home on your landscaping. Anything above that you will not get back if you decide to sell. I found this advice really helped me to keep my costs under control here. I am quicker to use plants people give me rather than run out and buy something. I also dig stuff up and divide it- this helps with costs a lot, too.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks for all the tips! And the compliment. That’s a really big reason why we chose this house. Well, why *I* chose this house. My husband chose it because it has a garage and was built in 1735. We looked at it last year around this time and everything was in bloom. The brook is what got me most, though. So beautiful!

      2. fposte*

        I don’t think that’s enough to tell from, because a lot of alliums are going to look like that before the flowering stage. But given where you found them and how dense it sounds like they are, I think wild onion is a likely guess. (It looks like “wild onion” and “wild garlic” are pretty approximate terms, species-wise, so I wouldn’t worry about that aspect.)

      3. Not So NewReader*

        It looks like chives to me, but chives come in a bigger and thicker clump.

        Please post a pic when it flowers. Flowers can be the tell-tale.

        Chives have a purple flower that is similar to the flower on a clover.

        Allium is going to be a flower on the end of a tall stem. It is shaped like a ball, but it is actually a cluster of tiny little flowers. Allium comes in many colors. I was trying to grow some royal blue colored ones here but it is too cold.

        I really suspect that they were planted there to keep the critters out. I know you want to rip them out, but I think waiting until next season might be a good plan. See how this season goes first.

    4. Jen RO*

      No advice (I am dreadful with plants, and also too lazy to bother) but your yard looks absolutely amazing.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! Lucky for me it came like that. Unfortunately the peak of the season for those pretty pink trees was literally yesterday! I went out today and half the petals have already fallen off. :(

    5. Clever Name*

      Find out what hardiness zone you are in. I agree with the seed mixes. And those gardens that have a wild look actually do take some work. I also agree with mixing ornamental grasses in with flowers for a more natural look. Find a good nursery. They tend to have more knowledgable staff and plants appropriate for your area compared to big box garden centers. Talking to local gardeners can be a huge help. And the USDA hardiness zone isn’t everything; our average last frost date was 3 weeks ago, but I’m sitting here looking at snow on the ground. :/

  40. Nervous Accountant*

    Something I’ve ALWAYS been curious about and just never got around to asking….(I hope this isnt’ considered work related).

    First off, I love how intelligent and thoughtful this community is. That’s what drew me to this site nearly 3 years ago, and I tell you, so much of my knowledge now just comes from reading the posts and comments over the years.

    But I’ve always wondered….HOW do most people here have time to respond and write long posts? Especially during the open threads? I’m lucky enough to be able to catch up on AAM throughout the day but its such a pain in the butt posting anything from my phone..I know everyone is on a diff time zone or has different schedules, but I have a typical 9-5 office job and I could never log on to my work computer and post here (open plan, + too paranoid). and not just the quantity of comments, but the quality too….I wish I could write such thoughtful or engaging replies, if I just had the time…..

    2. BRR*

      I will read at work splitting the time between my phone and computer. Some of my responses will be short if I’m pressed for time and feel like I can help. I guess I can just type fast and form my thoughts quickly (this is a mobile post as I’m on a train).

      If I have a long question for the Friday thread I type it as a draft in my email during the week then copy and paste it (I feel like that’s aam illegal but people have to do this to post something long and early on). I will admit a couple of Friday’s afternoons have been occupied with open threads.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I’ve had an ongoing work problem that I’ve wanted to ask about in the Friday open thread, but it’s long and complicated (or my emotions about it are long and complicated; minus the emotion it’s probably fairly simple), and I don’t have time at work to compose the question and engage with responses. I thought about pasting it from a pre-written version just so I can get it posted on time for any meaningful discussion. I almost want to take a day off work to be able to read and respond to replies in real time.

    3. Noah*

      My employer doesn’t care if we browse the internet during our breaks. Many times I find I just need 5-10 minutes away from work and I enjoy reading this safe. It is also safe for work, so I usually check in mid-morning and at least read through the posts and comments. If I happen to catch a post early, and feel I have something to add, I may comment. I am certainly in awe of many commentators’ writing ability though.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      That’s why I pretty much never post from my phone, because it takes me so much longer to type anything, and it’s also harder for me to edit on a smaller screen. And my schedule is pretty flexible, so I can usually comment when I think of something to say, then go back to work. (Then check back a few minutes later to read responses, then reply to those… :D )

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I work strange hours. So sometimes I am home during the day and sometimes not. Lately, I have been fixing my house so my time online has been drastically cut. I have been taking fposte’s advice and just reading/answering some questions/topics.
      Yes, it is a large amount of time ordinarily though. I consider it getting some more education, though. If I signed up for a class in something I would have to stop reading here until the class was over. I would not be able to commit that much time to both. But I would rather read this than, say, scan the news or look at FB, I do skip other things so I can read this.

    6. Beezus*

      I have some flexibility in my work schedule – spending 15 minutes here once in a while isn’t a big deal. I am also in an open plan office. I keep the AAM window small. I usually type my replies out in Notepad or a blank email, thinking them through as I work, and then copy/paste when I’m done.

    7. Carrie in Scotland*

      The Friday Open Thread comes up about 4 pm UK time – which is just perfect as I basically just ‘refresh’ for the last hour of work. The weekend one is sometimes Saturday evening – I don’t have much to do by that point – unless I’m out – so it’s nice to have ‘company’ (& again, I basically ‘refresh’ alot!)

      I read AAM all the time but that’s because if I didn’t, I’d go loopy quite quickly – my job is slow (which is why I’m job hunting).

      I don’t often post in the daily posts because a) I’m not very wise unlike some other people on here b) most of my learning comes from AAM posts/posters and c) UK/US norms are different.

    8. Aussie Teacher*

      I’m 12 hours behind here, so I’ll wake up at 6am and check my phone and there will generally be 3-4 new posts that have appeared during my night. I also have small children so can only comment sporadically (hours apart), which means I can never participate in some of the threads/banter where people are posting quick replies to each other. If I have something to post on one of the open threads (particularly a Friday open thread), I’ll actually type it out ready to go so I can paste it quickly when the thread gets posted.

      In summary, I’d love to comment more (I have read every single post since mid-2011 and most of the archives) but find it difficult.

    9. Jen RO*

      Lately I’ve been too busy to participate too much, but no one at my company cares what sites you browse as long as you finish your tasks on time… so in theory I could spend 2 hours browsing AAM every day (but then I’d also have to work even later, so I only read in the morning and in the evening, usually).

    11. Sunflower*

      I have flexibility in my time at work. I have to be there 9-5 and 90% of my work i can do whenever during that time. My busy-ness also fluctuates. Some days i’m slammed and don’t have time to go on at all. Other’s I’m not that busy so I have more time. It also depends on what’s posted. If there’s post on something I feel strongly about, I’ll spend more time than other’s. For the most part, i’m the only one who sees my computer and my company doesn’t really monitor usage so that gives me the freedom- I can understand being paranoid though.

      I’m convicned some posters here are just amazing writers. Sometimes I spend a lot of time trying to write a reply that conveys what I’m trying to say and someone else will post exactly what i’m thinking and i wonder if they just are amazing writers and were able to shoot that out in a minute.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      I read at work when I’m done with tasks, and during breaks and lunches. On Fridays, the open thread seems to coincide nicely with my time at the front desk, so I read there (it’s hard to work on anything with the phone ringing and people coming/going). Lately, I just don’t have that much to say, so I don’t reply as much.

    13. fposte*

      A lot of my work is like swimming underwater–I have to come up and take a breath before I dive back under. AAM is my taking a breath.

      Last year I was posting a lot when my physical problems were impairing my ability to do much of my work. I put back the time blockers on my browsers when I went back to work after surgery.

  41. Persephone Mulberry*

    Ladies, help. I need a strapless/convertible bra recommendation for my bridesmaid dress for my sister’s wedding this summer. The dress is the infinity design that you can wrap/tie a dozen different ways, and how I wear it is going to be determined by what I can find for a foundation garment. I am a size 18, currently wear a 36 G or H (depending on the bra/brand) and might be closer to a 34 by wedding time. There are no specialty stores in my area that carry this size to try on, so I know I’m going to have to order online, so I’m really looking for a specific brand and style recommendation. Budget is unlimited.

    1. Stephanie*

      I have one from Fantasie that’s great (but never wear, because I rarely wear things that are strapless). I got fitted at a specialty store (I’m a similar size to you… *chest bump*) and the clerk told me to go up a cup and band size in the bra to ensure there wasn’t any spillage.

      My friend had her tailor sew her strapless bra into her wedding dress. Maybe that could be an option?

      1. Persephone Mulberry*

        I think Fantasie is the one I was looking at earlier – all of the reviews were also people who wear F/G/H which was encouraging. Of course, then I put it in my cart and got a warning, “this item uses European sizing, comparable American size is 34K” so now I’m confused again.

        I hate buying bras online, I’m always afraid I’m going to get the size translation wrong.

        1. blackcat*

          Even if there aren’t free returns, I’d suggest ordering 2-3 sizes. That’s what I do when I order a new style online.

          (Also, if it helps, in American sizing I am something like a 30DDD. My strapless Fantasie 30F fits perfectly and holds up my big boobs on my tiny frame).

    2. Dang*

      I’m an F, and I bought a wacoal strapless from bare necessities online. There were so few to choose from that I just bit the bullet and ordered, and it was fine! That’s my usual brand so I just went with it.

      1. Christy*

        I have a 38F (DDD for them, I think) from Wacoal and it’s amazing. I have both strapless (convertible!) and regular and they make great bras.

        1. Dang*

          I think that’s the same one I have! I love wacoal, and have recently discovered elomi… Which I also highly recommend! Her room dot com is having 20% off for the next few days FYI!! Usually they don’t include wacol and elomi but they do with this one!

    3. Blue_eyes*

      I’m a 34F and I really like Lunaire brand. I have a strapless from them that I got on bareneccesities. Bonus points, won’t break the bank.

      1. Alice*

        +1! I was coming to leave this recommendation. Even if you already have your correct size, the community gives a lot of recommendations for specific bras.

    5. SevenSixOne*

      I wear the same size dress/bra.

      I’ve only ever found one strapless bra (the “strapless long line” from Lane Bryant) that even came close to fitting. It was ferociously uncomfortable, it still peeked out from most of the things I wore it with, it made my boobs look somehow floppier and saggier than if I’d just gone braless… AND it self-destructed completely after maybe 3 wears/washes.

      NEVER AGAIN

    6. Sunflower*

      I’d recommend getting a bustier. I just got a Parfait by Affinitas. Having the bottom boning makes you feel like you have a ton of support. I got fitted for mine and she sized me a cup down actually to make sure I was really in there. I almost always buy my strapless bras a cup size down because I just *feel* much more secured in there.

      I’d recommend ordering a couple different sizes then sending back ones that don’t work.

      1. Pro-bustier*

        Hopefully, OP, you can find something that works based on the suggestions above. But, at only a 36C, I had a terrible time with strapless bras- they kept falling down- it was like I had too much going on to be held in. The only thing that ever worked for me was a bustier, so if you don’t see something else you like, definitely give one a try & see if it will work for you.

    7. Jessica (tc)*

      I always go by the UK sizings now, ever since I discovered them several years ago. This Reddit post changed my life: https://www.reddit.com/r/ABraThatFits/comments/rh26h/is_getting_fitted_for_a_bra_as_humiliating_as_it/c469bi0

      Manufacturers who use UK sizing tend to actually keep their bras in about the same sizing area, so I just go by that. I eventually discovered and have become pretty loyal to Elomi bras, because I can usually get the same size for all of their bras without fail. I’ve also found some comfy bras from Fantasie, Wacoal, and Curvy Kate.

      To buy bras, I often go to brastop.com (not in the U.S., though, but the prices are usually great) or Bare Necessities for a great selection of bras for larger busted women, but I’ve also purchased from Figleaves and HerRoom. (A lot of places let you return for free, so you can buy multiples of the same bra in different sizes and send the ones that aren’t comfy back.)

    1. ZSD*

      Do what I did the day after my country reelected Bush: check out grad schools in Canada. :)

      1. TheLazyB*

        I have a husband and a child who’s about to start school, else I would be moving in with my sister who lives in Germany :(

    2. Treena Kravm*

      Are you talking about the elections? I was reading that one party may not win outright and it would be a bit of a mess, but then it all worked out (logistically, at least). I was thinking about this the other day, is the Conservative Party really all that conservative?

          1. Buu*

            My brother has autism, he managed to get a degree and who wants to work but any work scheme he’s tried says he’s either over qualified as they are geared to manual labour, or else any other scheme he’s tried has had its funding cut. He got sent into circles so much he had a massive panic attack.
            The disability officer from the job centre threatened to sanction him for being scared of climbing their narrow dark stairs to the top floor ( who puts a disability officer on a floor with no lift?!!).

            This is after five years of the Tories, utterly scared what will happen to him after another five years. The tories are already talking about repealing the human rights act, re-introducing the snooper’s charter and more cuts acess to work schemes.

            I don’t understand how people could vote for this, do they honestly think disabled people are all faking?

            1. TheLazyB*

              Who does that? Someone who uses whether you can get there as an unofficial test. If you can get there you’re not disabled enough. If you’re not able to get there then how could you possibly demonstrate your disability.

              Not like I’m cynical.

            2. Treena Kravm*

              Yikes. I knew that disability access in Europe is bad, but I didn’t think it would be that bad. Is a work scheme like a program that you enroll in and then they place you in a job? Why would they want to cut those? Or is it something else?

              1. Buu*

                The good ones which are genuine schemes will help with job applications and help find places in companies willing to take on disabled people or provide help to workplaces hiring disabled people. But they seem rare now.

                These aren’t to be confused with mandatory state ones which the unemployed ( not just disabled) have to go on to keep claiming Jobseeker’s allowance, are unpaid and are often jobs like stacking shelves at Tesco.

                1. Treena Kravm*

                  unpaid?! Wait, do you mean that they have to do some work while they’re looking for a job and the Tesco pays the gov’t for the labor?

            3. Elizabeth West*

              I think some of them do–you should see the comments every time there’s a story about some disabled person online. Of course, sites like Metro Blog always posts the sensational ones about “HUGE MUM AND DAUGHTER ON BENEFITS REFUSE TO STOP EATING!” And then everyone assumes that all people getting benefits are like that. :P

      2. Swedish Tekanna*

        It’s pretty much a historic thing. Way back in the mists of time, although there were various parties around people were classed as either “conservative” or “radical” and the Conservative Party’s name is really a throwback to those times.

    3. fposte*

      One my my dearest friends is a Scot–she was really hoping for an SNP coalition.

    4. Apollo Warbucks*

      At least UKIP tanked I was worried they might do well in the election this time round.

      1. TheLazyB*

        Yeah the vagaries of FPTP didn’t work well for the Greens f you look at votes cast vs seats, but SO glad we didn’t end up with tons of UKIP MPs. So, so glad.

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          Yeah the only good thing about fptp I… Think about how ukip would be represented in proportional representation…

          I live in Norfolk and green actually won in my ward though Norwich was labour overall. My and a friend of mine live in the two wards that went green. I voted Green so I find this awesome even though they didn’t do so well nationally…

          1. TheLazyB*

            If I think about that I want to actually puke.

            I am considering actually joining a party. Torn between red and green. What’s hopefully most likely vs what my heart says.

          2. TheLazyB*

            You know what else terrifies me? Three leaderless parties. What the hell will the Tories sneak through while everyone is in disarray?

            Did you see that they’re looking to cut Access to Work? Because when you’re cutting all benefits making it harder for disabled people to get work will help so much. Honest.

            1. LadyB*

              And statutory maternity pay. Way to go (white middle class guys), set back twenty/thirty years of progress for working women. I. Can’t. Even.

              1. Elizabeth West*

                I saw that; made me mad. Don’t be like the US, you guys!!! Seriously! I want to write a letter:

                Dear UK Gubmint,

                You’re supposed to be our more sensible, wiser big brother. Stop doing stupid US things, and stop cutting benefits and being all corporate. You’re acting just like the US and I visit you to get away from that crap.

                Love,
                A Wannabe Citizen Who Works

            1. Ruth (UK)*

              I went to the Norwich City Council website and on the homepage they had a link of where to go to find the result by ward for Norwich. I don’t know for other parts of the country but if you search your city or county council they might show it…

                1. TheLazyB*

                  How strange! Is it not on the BBC website either? Does your council have Twitter or Facebook to ask there? It’s on my local council’s website too including vote breakdown.

                2. Elkay*

                  I can find the local election ones but not the general elections. My local councilor stayed in which was a huge disappointment to me because he’s been awful whenever I’ve had cause to interact with him.

                3. TheLazyB*

                  Ah I think we both misunderstood, you only get the ward breakdown for the councillors, not the parliamentary seat.

      2. Swedish Tekanna*

        Yes, they only won one seat – or rather, kept the one they won at a by-election recently. They came a pretty close second in a lot of places though.

    5. Elkay*

      I was really hoping for another Lib-Con coalition because I don’t want Labour and I think the Lib Dems tempered the risk of extreme Conservative policies.

      1. TheLazyB*

        I would have taken that over what we got. I used to be strongly Lib Dem. used to be.

    6. Claire (Scotland)*

      Yeah, I’m pretty conflicted about the election overall. Delighted by the SNP success here, but horrified by the prospect of a Tory government overall. At least up here devolved powers at Holyrood can protect us a bit from the worst of it. I’m heart-sore for my friends in England though.

      1. Elkay*

        I don’t know enough about the devolved powers but how much will a Tory government actually affect Scotland? I would guess benefits payments, tax/NI and foreign policy but not much else.

        1. Claire (Scotland)*

          Things like health, education, the arts, and law and order are devolved and so relatively protected. Foreign policy and defence is not, which is scary. The biggest concerns to me are taxation and benefits/social security, which are currently reserved matters. I’m especially worried by the benefits/social security aspect right now, since the last government’s record was abysmal and that was with the Lib Dems in coalition. While I’m lucky enough to be healthy and capable of working full time, I’m very scared what this means for the most vulnerable in our society.

          A lot depends on the implementation of the Smith Commission recommendations, and how much more the SNP can successfully push for. I’m hoping at least for a federal UK setup (I’d rather we were independent, but that may take a bit longer).

          1. Claire (Scotland)*

            Sorry, I should have said that taxation isn’t a reserved matter as such, the Scottish Govt does have limited tax raising powers.

    7. Carrie in Scotland*

      Like Claire, I hope that the strength of the SNP will protect us from the worst of it.

      It will be an interesting year, because if Scotland is affected and/or the SNP really do have that many followers well – Scotland has an election next year. I think if people are disenchanted by Lab, Lib and Con (because when you look at the Scottish parliament, it’s more even than in the UK wide one) then people will swing to the SNP and they will have a large majority which may just bring about a second referendum. And I don’t fancy the chances of another ‘no’ vote (& I’m saying this as a ‘no’ voter).

      When you think about it, it’s ridiculous that Scotland is being governed by a Tory government when we unanimously voted SNP, with just a MP each for Con, Lab and Lib.

      Also, another forum, I’m horrified that some people I follow there went in and spoilt their ballot papers :(

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Though I think it is more important to vote, I can understand why some people would spoil their papers. What I can’t understand is how some people can simply not vote at all.

        I know some people feel like all the candidates are ‘as bad as each other’ (though I can’t see how we can really put people like Natalie Bennett (or even Milliband) in the same place as Nigel Farage in our hearts…). But at least a spoiled ballot is better than not voting at all.

        I’ve seen some things online trying to get non voters to spoil their ballots in a very particular way – making sure the paper contains no ticks or crosses, places a single line through all the people and writing NONE in large letters. To make sure there is no doubt of their intention and if enough people do it it’s hard to keep counting it as ‘voter’s intention unclear’. If the 1/3rd of people who didn’t vote all placed what they call a ‘protest vote’ they think it will show clearly how much those people want a different sort of change (rather than looking like they just couldn’t be arsed).

        However, I am annoyed at my housemate for voting for Class War which is basically a wasted vote. As I said, Green won in my ward so Green certainly wasn’t a wasted vote at least locally. I know he is a Green supporter though I would have forgiven him for a tactical Labour vote (both my parents did this and Labour won where they are). Class War was almost as bad as not voting, especially when I know that’s not even the party he cared about winning, he apparently just thought it would be funny. This is out of character for him and he’s been having some issues lately so…

        1. fposte*

          Digression on Natalie Bennett–all I really know about her (I’m USAn) are her disastrous media appearances where she was unable to pull together any math or information to support highly implausible Green proposals; it wasn’t just that she didn’t do the media thing well, it exposed real problems in the Green platform that made me think she benefited from not being included in the debates. I like much about the Greens, but I thought she demonstrated that she was pretty unsuited and epitomized their stereotype as well-meaning but completely impractical, and I’m surprised she’s still on as party head. I know the Greens grew, but I don’t think it’s because they thought she’d be such a great PM. Is she head because nobody is is really suited for it so it might as well be her, or is the party genuinely thinking she’s the best they’ve got?

          1. Swedish Tekanna*

            I don’t think she was generally well known outside the Green Party. The previous leader was Caroline Lucas who was much more high profile but after she was elected to Parliament last time around, she stood down from the leadership to concentrate on her MP work.

            The Natalie Bennett stuff was a huge mess. The party also did itself no favours recently when one of their members came on the radio and admitted the Greens did not have a spokesperson for agriculture. I mean, that should be one of the party’s key issues. They have lost a lot of credibility recently.

            1. fposte*

              Yeah, I’ve liked what little I’ve heard about Caroline Lucas. But it would be nice if they found somebody else in the party who could do homework and reasonably represent them.

      2. Elkay*

        The thing is, you could say the same about any particular area, in 1997 the Conservatives held the majority of seats in my area yet were ruled by a Labour government. It makes me uncomfortable when people/the press start splitting the UK up by countries/areas at a general election because that’s not what the election is for, it’s the nation speaking as a whole.

        To be honest I fear I’m always going to be at the wrong stage of my life for any government, I was hit by Labour’s pledge to get everyone into higher education (which basically meant university) which was accompanied by introduction (and raising) tuition fees and massive student debt (admittedly not quite as bad as the Conservative hike), and I’ll be working for longer than I’d like thanks to their increase of the state pension age several times over. I don’t earn enough money to benefit from a Conservative government and by the time Labour get back in I might be in the higher tax bracket and with no kids I’ll only feel cuts not benefits. Labour were already well on their way to decimating the NHS so their sudden cries now to save it ring a little hollow to me.

        The Liberal Democrats have done the most for me by raising the level at which you start to pay tax, I also really respect their push for the living wage. I honestly feel like they’ve done the most for working people.

        I understand the argument that as I’m (relatively) well off i.e. double income, own my own home (although doesn’t look like I’ll ever be able to afford to move out of my “starter” home) I should vote to help those who aren’t as well off but I honestly feel like this is a oxygen mask situation because if I vote to help those less well off I cut off my own oxygen supply.

        2. Ruth (UK)*

          However, I have another analogy. It’s a bit weirder than yours so you have to bear with me a little:

          Sat your favourite dessert is peanut brittle. And you’ve got 5 people coming round for dinner. You know that for 3 of them, peanut brittle is also their fav. dessert. On a vote, it looks like a no-brainer. Peanut brittle is the majority favourite. If everyone voted for their favourite that’s what you’d have.

          Now let’s say you all have this additional information: the other 2 people coming are badly allergic to peanuts. They can’t eat the peanut brittle. They love chocolate cake, however. And you and the other peanut-likers actually think chocolate cake is ok as well.

          Knowing all this info, most people would probably make chocolate cake over peanut brittle. Let’s say you took a vote on desserts and everyone know the whole story. It would be pretty selfish to still vote for peanut brittle (even if it’s your favourite) to benefit just yourself and justify it by saying there’s a majority backing you, which their kind of it.

          Sometimes just because you have a majority doesn’t mean it’s truly the best for everyone. Sometimes the negative consequence to one group is harsher than another. Cuts affects the rich less than they affect the poor. They might have an impact on their quality of life, but it won’t make them unable to have any quality of life at all.

          I don’t imagine I could vote conservative even if I became a millionaire. As it is, I come from a fairly middle-class family. My dad has a working class background but went to uni and became a teacher. My mom is from a fairly wealthy family in the USA. My parents are home-owners. I have been a bit of a class-floater for a bit because I was working in fast food am financially independent from my parents (I haven’t lived with them or asked them for any income support since I graduated uni). So while I have a fairly middle-class upbringing, I currently have a more working-class living situation and a lower income. I do admin work now but it’s still a low-end salary, just not quite as low as fast food was. On the other hand, I have had opportunities (such as being able to go to university) that were more available to me because of my background.

          I see people who have worked really really hard and been successful. But I also see many people working their hardest and trying to do everything they can and just getting nowhere. That’s when it’s heartbreaking.

          1. Ruth (UK)*

            ps. once again I am cringing from my typo-errors and autocorrects… apologies as I typed this on my phone and it was being too slow for my too proof properly :(

          2. Elkay*

            I think this is the perfect analogy for why we should have proportional representation. I have a slightly less middle class background from you, neither parent went to uni, both left school at 16, but my siblings and I went to uni because of the era we were born into. I don’t really know where I sit in terms of salary, I’m in the lowest tax bracket but I’m comfortably above minimum wage.

            I wholeheartedly agree that the lowest earners will suffer the most under the Conservatives but I wonder how they felt under the last Labour government. I also really believe in the welfare state (although it probably sounds like I don’t) but I also believe it was flawed from the start (it was supposed to run for c. 20 years before paying out but the government at the time ignored that part) and it does need to be fixed because at the moment it doesn’t help where it should. I’d rather see people being helped back into work, contributing to society but we’ve had too many years of being fed information about benefits frauds and how you’re better off on benefits than working and it’s turned a LOT of people against the welfare state. Unfortunately if the bedroom tax is any indication of policy to come it goes to show that the people making these policies don’t have an ounce of common sense.

            1. Carrie in Scotland*

              I’m a bit of both Elkay and Ruth – while neither of my parents went to uni, my mum went to nursing college and became a nurse (before she had me & my brother) and my dad went to college and became an engineer. When I went to uni at 18, I was the first one in my immediate family to go, although my brother was the first to graduate + he did a masters degree.
              However, my parents saved up money and allowed me to become a flat owner aged 20. Which is good/bad in the way that these sorts of things are*. Without their help, I would be like most other people – unable to buy a property and my earnings are less than £20,000 annually. My brother earns a load of money and he and his girlfriend are trying to buy a flat.

              *I’m enormously lucky as my city’s property market has steadily increased over the years, we’re a bit of an anomaly in that way – like London but much more rubbish!

          3. Jean*

            “Sometimes just because you have a majority doesn’t mean it’s truly the best for everyone. Sometimes the negative consequence to one group is harsher than another. Cuts affects the rich less than they affect the poor. They might have an impact on their quality of life, but it won’t make them unable to have any quality of life at all.”
            “I see people who have worked really really hard and been successful. But I also see many people working their hardest and trying to do everything they can and just getting nowhere. That’s when it’s heartbreaking.”

            Ruth,
            You’ve just summarized some of the reasons why I vote the way I do on my side of the pond. As you say so clearly, it’s heartbreaking to see people stuck on the gerbil wheel of life, unable to improve their lives despite their absolute best efforts. I’m talking about people who cannot finish high school and/or complete a program of higher education, find stable employment that may or may not be their soul’s deepest desires but pays enough to cover life’s basic expenses plus a few modest extras for themselves and their families, and find someplace peaceful to live.

            Yes, some people can pull themselves up by their own bootstraps but sometimes people are born into circumstances in which they don’t even have boots! (Bootstraps & boots form a sad but true cliche in the US; I’d be interested to hear other national expressions for “people who improve their lives through sheer determination and strength of character.”)

            Is it justice for a child to be condemned to a life of emotional, physical, and financial instability just because he or she was born into a family or community already worn out by poverty, dangerous and uncomfortable housing, and a lifetime of large and small blows to the spirit?

            I can understand (although I disagree) how some people glorify independent endeavor above all else, including marketplace regulation. But the logical extension of this argument is that each of us needs to arrange for our own private ambulance service, fire protection, trash hauling, library, and educational system. This to me violates two basic ideas: that modern life is unavoidable complicated and interconnected, and that despite our modern bells and whistles part of the human condition is that we are all somehow, some way responsible for the well-being of others as well as ourselves.

            In case you or others are wondering, my political affiliation is Democratic. I saved this part for last because while I’m a devout Democrat myself, I also deplore the vicious polarization of U.S. politics. If we’re all responsible for each other, it seems to me that we can also find some common ground with most people even if we’re marching under radically different flags.

            1. fposte*

              Big fistbump to you on the last. I think the demonization of people Not Like Us has been the theme of both sides in American politics for some time, and it’s hugely destructive. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned here when an acquaintance of mine, working for a local candidate, got livid and brought in other people to rant at me when at a social occasion I mentioned the incumbent of the opposing party had done a good job of reaching across the aisle. Note that I didn’t even say I was going to vote for him–I wasn’t–but that saying anything that wasn’t horrible about him was considered something that needed to be stamped out.

              There’s been talk of this for a while, how the increasing tendency of Congresscritters to fly back to their districts all the time means that they don’t see their colleagues socially in DC; in the days when you’d see the guys across the aisle at your kids’ Little League games, there was a lot more human commonality. Tip O’Neill could have a friendly drink with Reagan and still oppose just about every one of his policies.

                1. fposte*

                  Yeah, I’m hearing that in response to the election results. I think people should be allowed *some* hyperbole in the face of a startling recent event, but some of it does seem to come from deep beliefs that different = evil. (Which, ironically, makes them sound very Ukippy.)

                2. Elkay*

                  Totally agree, I heard Caroline Lucas on the Today programme on Friday morning and she was saying The Greens would work with whichever party would support their policies. I wish we had more parties so they were forced to work together without any one party having overall influence.

                3. TheLazyB*

                  I should probably think about that sometime fposte – but it’s hard when the only thing I ever hear about the Tories is basically their slash ‘n’ burn policies :-/

                  Elkay I remember when I was a kid hearing about hung parliaments as a TERRIBLY BAD THING and thinking – but why? Surely it’s good if you have to negotiate with the others to make changes. I understand now that depending on who’s involved, it’s easier or harder, but I still think the principle stands.

                  (It’s good talking to someone with a different viewpoint btw who still seems to understand mine, and I hope you get that I understand yours too. I feel that’s missing a lot at the minute.)

                4. Elkay*

                  It’s fairly typical of AAM readers that we’re able to have a civilised discussion, probably because everyone is open to hearing other people’s points of view. Do you think we should form a government?!

          4. Elizabeth West*

            I’m this way too–I grew up middle class, but I’ve been basically working class and even poor all my adult life. I have no trust fund, no retirement, and I probably will be working until I die, unless I strike it rich somehow or marry up. Neither of those looks likely anytime soon. :P

            The cuts are scary–they’re trying to do the same here in the US, and it’s going to affect me at some point. I was lucky to have Planned Parenthood around when I had no other healthcare (and still needed BC, which I still do but the doctors won’t give it to me anymore because I had a DVT). I can’t afford to not have health insurance, and that’s only going to get more important as I get older. I’m guessing that I could move anywhere in the world and I’d still be screwed. But I can work, and I’m fairly healthy still (seriously–I heal so fast from injuries and get over colds that I’m like Wolverine), so I’m still hanging on by my fingernails.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      That actually surprised me; I honestly thought Labour had a fighting chance. I’d been reading papers for a couple of weeks beforehand. I’m really glad I couldn’t vote, but I didn’t hear many people talking about it, either. I went ot a dinner party the night before I left and no one brought it up at ALL.

      1. TheLazyB*

        No one wants to talk about it for fear that they find out their friend is a secret Tory/UKIPper. (IME anyway)

    10. FatBigot*

      The real problem is the commitment to an in/out referendum on our membership of the European Union. From a business perspective life will be monumentally harder and more expensive if we are outside the EU. But the UKIP vote implies that this “Little Englander” viewpoint is strongly supported.

      1. fposte*

        From an international standpoint, that’s the main thing I’m wondering about. It’d be weird if in a few years Scotland is independent and in the EU and England (+ Wales and NI) are out of it.

  43. BRR*

    So I have a dry cracked heel that is painful especially when flexing my foot up. It’s going to need to be soaked in some oil/lotion with a sock on but I’m worried about staining the carpet. Any suggestions?

    Also just realized I got a tiny bit of blood on my white shirt. It’s a dull stain. There seem to be a couple standard recommendations, anybody have any luck with a specific method?

    1. Stephanie*

      For cracked heels, I just do coconut oil with really thick socks (the thick socks seem to absorb the excess oil). For blood, I’ve had luck with hydrogen peroxide (I’m not sure if this would work on a nicer material).

    2. Noah*

      Agree with the hydrogen peroxide for blood on white items. When I was a paramedic it was one of the only things that would get blood (and other nastiness) out of my white uniform shirts. They were a poly/cotton blend, not sure how it would work on 100% cotton or other fabrics.

    3. Former Diet Coke Addict*

      Treat the bloodstain with hydrogen peroxide and COLD WATER. Then wash it–again, COLD WATER ONLY–and see if the stain came out. Hot water or heat will set the stain, so don’t put it through the dryer or hot water wash until the stain is out.

    4. Soupspoon McGee*

      For blood, soak it in hydrogen peroxide, rinse, and repeat until it’s about gone, then wash in cold water and hang dry. I add borax or washing soda to the washer, along with half the amount of detergent called for. Do NOT put it in the dryer, as heat will set the stain if there’s any left.

    5. salad fingers*

      Oooh, I would probably create a mix of warmed Shea butter and coconut oil, apply, put each foot in an old produce bag to protect your carpet, then throw on socks. And I would do this for like a week. Also make sure that your feet are exfoliated well before and after.

    6. Blue_eyes*

      You need Bag Balm. Coat your heel in it and cover with a plastic bag (produce bags work well). Put a loose rubber band around your ankle to keep it on and you can sleep with it on.

    7. Ann Furthermore*

      My brother recommends soaking things in Biz detergent, if you can find it. It’s got some sort of enzyme combination in it, which really helps break down stains like blood, grass, red wine, etc.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I just got some coconut oil for my poor hands. I put it on before bed. By the second night my hands returned to normal. My hands were really dried out from all the work I am doing. Drawback: The dog likes to lick my hands now.

      If you ran the shirt through the dryer the stain is probably set in and you probably will not get it out. However,if you have not dried it, I have done the peroxide thing- that works. I also have used pet stain remover because I usually have some on hand anyway and that works well, too. I use Nature’s Miracle which will work on any stain from a natural thing- such as grass stains, blood, etc.

    9. BRR*

      Update for the blood, some cold water and white vinegar then stain treater and cold water wash and it’s good. Hanging dry now.

    11. edj3*

      I use a bit of Gold Bond foot cream on my feet every day–that stuff is amazing. I have no tough spots anywhere. You might give it a try, it’s cheap and easy to find and has a nice peppermint scent.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      I had cracked heels too. SO annoying. Vaseline overnight with socks helped, but they’d come right back. I did one of those fruit acid peel things and now my feet are presentable for the first time in years.

    13. TalleySueNYC*

      I get other kinds of blood out by using a bar of hand soap and rubbing it directly on the wet stain, sort of grinding the soap into the fabric. Then I rub the fabric against itself between my knuckles, as if they were a washboard.

      I’ve never actually tried hydrogen peroxide!

      For the cracked heel, could you sacrifice a pair of slippers? Though, something less drippy (like coconut butter or Bag Balm) and a pair of thick socks ought to do it.

    14. Mephyle*

      I’ve never seen any advice for blood stains that didn’t say Cold Water Only! Because hot water will set the stain!
      But in my experience, warm (tepid to lukewarm, not hot) water works better for bloodstains than cold water.

    15. Rene UK*

      If it’s your own blood, sounds gross but the absolute best thing is dabbing it with your saliva. If it’s more than a spot–like monthly accidents –get the area wet and then drip a bit of saliva on it. It will attack the whole area, even if it’s dried, and it will just rinse out.
      Not your blood, any of the suggestions here.

  44. anonymous daisy*

    I have upstairs neighbors who have two dogs. One dog is older and they crate trained him and then they got a puppy. They have been trying to crate train him since December with little improvement. The puppy just rocks the crate back and forth and it reverberates through out my apartment. He cries, barks, and howls as if the whole world is going to end when they leave and he is in his crate. My questions are – how long does it take for crate training and are there dogs who just don’t take to it? I don’t question the dog training competence of my neighbors, I just want to know enough to set my expectations.

    1. katamia*

      Some of that may also be age-related. When my dog was a puppy, she was incredibly clingy and would cry sometimes until I or someone else who was home went to be with her. Now that she’s older, she’s more self-sufficient. She’s still a bit clingy by nature, but she doesn’t cry for us like she used to. Once the puppy gets a little older, that may turn out to be the case.Or maybe not. I don’t know the dog in question. But it may not be the crate training that’s the issue here, or it may not be just the crate training.

      Have you mentioned it to the neighbors if you have a good relationship with them? Not in a “Shut your dog up” kind of way, but in a “This is happening, and I wanted to let you know because it seems to be happening when you’re not here” kind of way. There might be things they can do to make the transition less stressful for the puppy that they’re not doing now since it’s happening when they’re not there. I’d definitely want to know if my dog were miserable when I left.

    2. BRR*

      It depends really on the dog. My dog took to it pretty quickly (as in a couple of days he could be left alone for medium lengths of time) but he’s pretty easy going. If the puppy still freaks out 4 months since starting there could be a number of things going on. The puppy might not be tired enough when they leave it, many dogs just don’t get enough exercise. They might have not crate trained it well. Also the puppy might just not want to be crated.

      I know you just wanted to know how long it takes but it’s obviously not working. My neighbor’s dog did this. I left a note (wussy, I know) letting them know their dog was barking a lot when they left and just wanted to let them know since they weren’t there and wanted to make sure they knew that their dog was stressing out so they could make sure it’s ok. Clearly a fake reason but politics. This also worked because it could have been multiple people.

      Nothing changed so they got a second note with suggestions for helping with separation anxiety and a ps that the HOA will fine for cases of noisy dogs.

      Nothing changed so they got a final warning that I’d be going to the HOA and somehow that fixed everything.

    3. Job-Hunt Newbie*

      Five months seems a bit long to me. When my dog was a puppy, he would cry and howl when we put him in there for the night, but he would stop after about 10-20 minutes. This was very temporary, and it became a part of his routine. He also came to us crate trained, so he knew when it was time to go in (though sometimes it took a bit of coaxing, or physically placing him in there, haha). Sometimes he just went in on his own to nap, play, or have alone time.

      It sounds like it could be an issue of the puppy being left there for far too long (IMHO, the crate should only be used for extended periods of time overnight, and short periods during the day if you are not going to be in the home), or they are not using it properly in training. Puppies require a ton of stimulation and one-on-one time, and if they are kept in there too long, they can act out. How long does this barking/rocking go on for?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I agree that the crate training is not working. I checked with my vet because my latest dog had a very strong negative reaction to the crate. I thought he was going to have a heart attack. My pup had come up from the south. The vet said that a few people were talking about pups coming from the south that just could. not. handle the crate at all.

        If your neighbors do not seem to realize what is going on, you might want to mention it. Not in a complaining manner but in a “is the pup, okay?” kind of approach. Depending on the relationship with your neighbor maybe they would want you to call them at work to let them know.

        1. Job-Hunt Newbie*

          True that! My pup came from an organization in the South, but they are a very reputable one, and have a good network of foster families who know how to train and care for pups properly. Not So New Reader brings up a good point; some people just do not know how to train their pups properly, and the crate is a fearful place for the pup, and not one where they can feel safe ad comfortable.

          Popping in to check up doesn’t seem too intrusive, especially since it is regularly disturbing you. I hope the pup starts to love his/her crate soon! Or, his/her owners opt to not crate if the pup is absolutely not receptive to it.

    4. Ruffingit*

      I crate trained my dog, who is 8 years old now, when I got her at 8 weeks old. She took to it no problem and has loved her crate ever since. Our new little one was NOT having the crate thing at all. Nope, sorry, not gonna do it. So, we just housebroke her the old fashioned way by taking her out multiple times and making sure she knew that is where she was to do her business. Also, having our older dog to show her the ropes helped too since she idolizes our older pup.

      Interestingly enough, now that younger pup is getting a bit older, she actually likes older pup’s crate and will often sleep in there at night or just hang out. We have the crate in our bedroom and it has a comfortable mattress and blanket. We leave the door open and she just loves to go hang out in there.

      To sum up, some dogs don’t like the crate. Don’t force it if that’s the case. Dogs are like people, they have different ways of dealing with things.

    5. anonymous daisy*

      Thanks for the feedback everyone. The owners are college guys with jobs and the puppy is crated for long periods of time. I spoke to them twice about it and they put a pad underneath the crate which cut down on the noise considerably. But the dog is just miserable for hours and hours. Finals are next week so I think once they get more time in their hands when school is out, there might be positive progress. I spoke to them in January to see what was going on and once in passing in the parking lot. My boyfriend thinks they must be letting the older dog walk around outside of a crate and it is adding upset to the puppy but there is no evidence of that just by hearing things below. I will speak to them again when the new semester starts.

      1. fposte*

        Are they actually crate *training* him or are they just shutting him in the crate and expecting him to get used to it? Because it sounds like they may not realize those are two completely different things.

    6. Artemesia*

      I’d be talking to the neighbors about putting the crate on a carpet remnant or other sound deafening substance to cut down the annoyance some.

    7. Bangs not Fringe*

      If the puppy hasn’t been fixed yet, this could also be one of the reasons for noise. Our upstairs neighbors also had a puppy who was left unattended for (verrrrry) long periods and he would bark and howl. We spoke to them about it. While they were apologetic, it also didn’t do much good. However, once the dog was fixed the noise decreased tremendously. He would still bark when they left but not all day. And I worked from home at the time so it was a relief. Perhaps that could be suggested somehow?

      Side note, it is unkind to leave a dog in a crate all day long. Sheesh.

  45. Christy*

    How do you hand-wash bras? I’ve recently bought a few nice bras and would like to not destroy them in the apartment complex washer.

    1. katamia*

      In the past, I’ve soaked them in the sink with (depending on how broke I was) either detergent or hand soap. Then I’d rinse them out in the shower (sink was never big enough for a good rinse) and hang them up to dry in the shower. I don’t know if there are better ways, but they got clean.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I do a similar thing, I let them soak in a basin for 10-15 minutes and then give them a good rinse. They drip dry in the shower on a plastic hanger.

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I swish mine in the basin with some hand soap, let it soak while I shower, then rinse it under the bathtub faucet. I gently squeeze the excess water from it (and then roll it in a towel and step on it several times to squeeze out even more water) before hanging it on the shower rod to dry overnight. My bra is a size 36G, so that is why ask the extra drying routine. If it were a smaller bra less fabric, I’d probably trust that it would dry more quickly. Also, in in the humid south and I don’t want tho wake up to a still-damp bra.

    2. Lulubell*

      I just put them in a mesh lingerie bag and throw them in the washer, then hang dry.

      1. fposte*

        Ditto on that. I fasten the hooks on a different “setting” than I wear it and I run the washer on delicate; it’s a top-loader, so delicate probably is pretty much on a par with what you’d find in a commercial washer.

      2. Alice*

        Yup! One thing I learned as a VS associate that was actually beneficial, is that the heat from the dryer ruins the molding in the cup. As an associate, we were advocates for hand washing, but I only ever wash in the washing machine now, and hang to dry in my bathroom. (careful when hanging by the gore!)

        1. fposte*

          Which is what I do, so now I’m curious–is that more delicate and subject to stretching than the straps and that’s why?

          1. Alice*

            Well, this is more from experience than learning anything specific. There is the slight issue of the weight of the bra stretching the gore out a little bit, but mostly its just how the cups dry. I’ve really only seen problems with my very lightly padded ones, because thicker cups hold their shape better.
            I’ve found that if I hang it on a pole (towel rack or shower curtain rod), its generally fine. But on a hook, it sits differently, so gravity pulls the straps down in a different direction, and the cups dry misshapen. Best is obviously laying it flat to dry, especially for wireless. But who wants to give up that space.

      3. skyline*

        Same here, but I do dry them mostly flat on a big drying rack from IKEA. Hanging them seems to encourage my cats to attack them…

    3. Sarah in DC*

      If you live in a humid place (or are just impatient) running them through a salad spinner will help them dry faster. Its less harsh than a spin cycle in an industrial washer, but it still gets a lot of water out.

      1. Jean*

        Brilliant! A salad spinner for hand laundry would be a godsend for carpal-tunnelly or arthritic hands. Much easier than squeezing water out of wet fabric.

      3. Development professional*

        That’s genius! I never use my salad spinner. Now I’m pulling it out of the cabinet!!!!

    4. Betty (the other Betty)*

      I hand wash like others mentioned: in the sink with some laundry detergent. Let ’em soak if they might need it, otherwise just swish around and then rinse rinse rinse.

      We are also in an apartment without a lot of extra space for hanging wet stuff. For drying, we put a second shower curtain rod above the center of the tub, high enough to be out of the way when we shower. Very handy for hanging drippy bras or for stuff that was spun-dry in the washer but that shouldn’t go in the dryer (like fleece and other athletic clothes).

    5. Meadowsweet*

      I’m a big fan of ‘Soak’ – it’s a no-rinse-required handwash soap and it just takes a little (and the unscented is truly unscented, which is awesome). I rinse anyway, but don’t worry so much that every tiny bit has to be rinsed out, y’know?
      so a bit of that and lukewarm or cold water in a basin, let them soak a while (usually until I remember them again), quick rinse, then hang them out. I hang them by the gore over a hanger and fasten the hooks so I don’t worry they’ll fall (you aren’t supposed to hang by the gore, but I’ve had no trouble yet!)

    6. Artemesia*

      I have given up and now throw mine in the wash and then hang them dry but it eventually does break wires or whatever. I have sweater bras with underwires.

      But back before I got lazy I used a product called a ‘Bra Ball’ which is a plastic contraption, sort of a cage that you put the bra in and snap it together. The bras got really clean but didn’t get bent out of shape. They are not terribly difficult to use and really do work for underwire or lightly padded bras that get creamed in the washer. I didn’t use them in the dryer but just hung the bras in the bathroom where they dry fairly quickly. I think I bought them at one of those bed/bath shops.

    7. BAS*

      I hand wash mine in cold water with lingerie soap from Nordstrom. It’s super gentle and also designed to help break down some of the enzymes from your skin/body oil without damaging the components of the bra. Make sure to remould the cups into the proper shape before you set it out to dry. I’d advise against washing them in the washer even in a lingerie bag if you buy expensive bras as the agitation makes the foam in molded/foam cup bras get wrinkled quickly/compromises the integrity of the shape of the bra cups.

    1. Ann Furthermore*

      Best: Finally getting a huge work issue resolved, even though it involved me working today. Also, sent my mom flowers and a box of truffles for Mother’s Day, which she received today, and she called to thank me and said they were gorgeous.

      Worst: This lingering cold — the cough is hanging around, and will not going away. Driving me nuts.

      1. Rebecca*

        Me too – the stupid cough part has been hanging for weeks now, long after The Misery ended. I called my doctor’s office, and the nurse told me whatever this is lasts for 4-8 weeks, and if I don’t get rid of the cough within a reasonable amount of time, I’m to make an appointment as I might need antibiotics. Good luck getting rid of this!!

    2. SandrineSmiles (France)*

      Best part: I got my new computer and can now do “quality” live shows with my games! Also, I took up World of Warcraft again (Battle tag Ellinor#2219 if anyone is interested, even though my WoW is still pretty much low level… started Heroes of the Storm too) .

      Worst part: The friend bit (Nancy) and the fact that my wallet seems to have gone poof. It’s a problem since I have my ID and bank cards in there… But I’m pretty sure my wallet is afraid of me now haha.

      1. Jen RO*

        I added you… I don’t have a WoW subscription anymore, but if you ever start playing Hearthstone you can come see how much I suck at it :P

    3. Elkay*

      Best: Tidied up the house, did all the filing that’s been sitting around for over a year
      Worst: Hayfever/cold/earache misery

      1. Elkay*

        I forgot, I got new sofa cushions, our sofa is so firm and high up now, it’s amazing (and I am totally dismayed at the fact that I’m pleased by sofa cushions).

    4. Carrie in Scotland*

      Best: Some nice weather happened, and I only have 1 x 3000 word essay left to write for this horrible course I’ve been struggling with…and I might actually understand something about the subject now.

      Worst: 2 lots of travelling to my city of choice – 600 miles within days. Slow days at work (but what’s new there?). Broke again after being paid.

    5. Aussie Teacher*

      Best – attending the wedding of good friends yesterday. Perfect weather for an outdoor wedding AND outdoor evening reception under the stars in late autumn, which was risky but paid off.

      Worst – my 20-month-old has started having temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her own way. They’re kind of funny, actually, and I’m pretty relaxed since she’s child #3. Our policy of “you NEVER get what you want when you have a tantrum” is still in effect so we just walk away when she starts. It is more embarrassing in public though.

      1. the gold digger*

        Be assured there are people silently cheering your courage when you do not submit to a public tantrum. There are those of us who are thinking, “Thank you for attempting to rear a responsible person! Hang in there!”

    6. Sunshine Brite*

      Best – Started therapy, this should be good since I couldn’t even id another highlight…

      Worst – Found out a family member has cancer and another has some sort of liver infection.

    7. Apollo Warbucks*

      The best is I’ve had a week off work and have been mainly reading this open thread in various tapas bars in Spain with a beer in my hand. I also ran I to a guy from home I’d not seen in five years he tapped me on the shoulder when I was in a bar in town.

      The worst well a week withput work can’t really be bad can it :) the only bad thing is I need to go to the airport soon and that makes me sad :(

    8. Trixie*

      Best: Last minute dinner/drinks with good friend, one of the few I really connect with here but never get to hang out with. Also, good friend’s cat appeared gravely ill last week seems to be do much better now.

      Worst: 24-hour cold which is just winding down.

    9. Jen RO*

      Best: went to the local version of Comic Con, attended two panels with John Noble (Walter in Fringe), and just wandered around looking at cosplay. I’m very happy that these kinds of things are starting to happen around here!
      Also best: I had lunch with my work-friend who is on maternity leave.

      Worst: Nothing comes to mind, it’s been a pretty good week. I’m busy at work and I will get even busier, but at least it’s interesting.

      1. #81D8D0*

        John Noble as Walter is/was awesome! One of the most original takes on “mad scientist” in the past 50 years.

        (I loved his ‘interesting’ relationship with LSD :)

    10. danr*

      Best: have two weddings in the family this summer. Both from families who married into the clan as second spouses.
      Worst: one more bad pollen session coming. We have a weed cherry tree that runs wild. The pollen and scent from the flowers is overwhelming.

    11. Anonyby*

      Best: After a couple years of not canning, I made a couple batches of strawberry jam this week! I’ve been covering at one of the further-off offices lately, and one day I was there a seller came in with really good strawberries for a good price. There was no way I’d be able to eat them all (and I can put away strawberries like no one’s business!), so into jars they went.

      Worst: Split between two things… One is all of the hype around Mother’s Day… My mother and both grandmothers are gone, so I don’t really have a reason to celebrate. There is one great-aunt that is like an extra grandmother to me (and she was my mom’s godmother too), but she has her own family to celebrate with and I have work and a standard weekly gathering besides.

      The other is just a bit of sadness that Freebirds closed the two restaurants that were within a reasonable distance from me. :( I really liked their food, and I don’t understand why they were closed. One of them had just opened a few months ago, and the other one was always busy when I went to it. Now the only ones left are too far away to be worth the drive to go to.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Best: That I cleaned my house before I left for London, so I was able to come home to a clean house. Yasss! Well, mostly; it does need a dust but I’m being lazy right now. And the kitty wasn’t too angry with me for being gone and leaving her with the pet sitter. And that I actually caught my last flight and didn’t have to spend the night in Chicago.

      Worst: That I had to come home. :P Also, when I got in late on Monday night, I realized I had no groceries and had to go to Walmart, so tired and jet-laggy, I went out the front door and promptly fell down my steps. Argh. I’m okay, just bruised and scraped. And then I came down with a cold! (It’s almost gone.) I was able to skate today, so I guess that Wolverine-like healing power is working still, ha ha.

    13. Stephanie*

      Best: Got called for an interview tomorrow (and am spending today prepping). No clue if it’ll go anywhere, but still exciting news.

      Worst: I screwed up the Medicaid application. (My state did opt-in to Medicaid expansion, to much controversy as I’m in a red state.) I applied during ACA open enrollment, got the forms and procrastinated (I had about a week to dig up pay stubs). By the time I got my username reset, found the paystubs…the system was down for maintenance and not taking applications (this was a couple of hours before the cutoff for uploading supplemental info). So boo. I do have emergency high-deductible insurance, but it’s bad and I only use it if absolutely necessary (and it’s not particularly cheap).

      1. danr*

        If you were on the system before the cutoff, you might still be in the window. Find a way to talk to a real person.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Best and worst: House repair is moving along. I should have kept a journal. This is at least week number 5 or 6 and hopefully they will get out of the crawl space sometime this week. It won’t be done, but the worst of the worst will be fixed under the house. One friend said I was getting the work done just in time. This. is. epic.

  47. Sister*

    I think this is mostly going to be a vent, but if any of you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them.

    My sister has gotten.. odd, and its frustrating my mom and me. I just moved back to my parents house in the fall, and so I have gotten a bit more of my sister than I’d like. Before, when I was just in for the holidays, I didn’t notice this, but now I’m constantly seeing this, and its driving me bonkers. She lives about 2 miles from us, she’s over for dinner at least once a week, and talks to my mom nearly everyday on the way home from work (20 mins+).

    She reacts very defensively to things that we thought were kind of family values. One of my parents brought up recycling (which she and her roommates don’t really do), and she got angry about it. She reacts with disdain to topics about trying to be cost-conscious or eco-friendly. (we aren’t super eco-enthusiasts at all, but we recycle everything we can, and reuse when practical). Her roommate/bestie graduated from Penn State, so when that whole debacle went down a few years ago, my sister wouldn’t listen to anything about how the coach might have had any responsibility in it. He’s a god. And the school a model institution (she didn’t even graduate from there!).
    She is very judgey when it comes to fashion and body expectations. I don’t shave my pits, because I don’t want to. She tried to be the fashion police at my cousin’s wedding, telling me to keep my jacket on. I snappishly responded “I’ll do what I want, because I don’t care”. We’re mid-20s, I have my own idea about fashion, I don’t need a serious reprimand from her. And its not even a friendly reminder or recommendation, it comes off as an angry “Don’t do that, its wrong”.

    My venting today stems from her “mystery friend”. She’s been dating a guy since October (i think), and she has not told us a thing. I only know about it because “Babe :-*” appeared on her phone at Christmas, I asked her about it, and she said that she wasn’t comfortable talking about him, but he’s on her softball team, etc. Very few details. I didn’t press, it was a new relationship, also not my business.
    Now its May, and she does not mention him at all. My mom lamented a bit today that she only ever hangs out with her roommates (they are like little old married couples, in that apt), and my sister responded saying that “just because I don’t talk about other friends doesn’t mean I don’t hang out with others”. A bit defensive and a bit cagey for my mom and me. We don’t need details, but we don’t want this deception! Even if its just “oh, I went on a date on Friday”. At least admit you’ve been seeing someone for 7 months!

    I kind of (not really) want to send her a quick note of “FYI, mom’s frustrated (so am I) about your ‘mystery friend’. We don’t need details, JUST ADMIT HE EXISTS”. Bad Idea right?
    My mom and I really don’t want to rock the boat, but when we’re scared to even ask my little sister a question about anything not related to our childhood or her work (those are safe topics).. its not right.
    /rant

    2. Ruffingit*

      It seems like your sister may be trying to forge her own way in the world and is possibly chaffing at being what she sees as forced to share details. I realize no one is forcing her, but I’m just looking at this from what may be her perspective. My question is, does it matter if he exists or not? Not really. If she wants to be cagey, well OK. Go with that and don’t bother asking about it. It may be weird to you that she’s behaving this way, but my thinking is that if you just let her do it, she’ll eventually run out of steam with it. Some people do this kind of stuff for the sake of proving the point of “I don’t have to tell you guys anything, I’m a grown-up, I can behave any way and do anything I want and have any beliefs I want.” And yeah, that is true. So my thought is let it go. If you know work and childhood are safe topics, stick to those. If that’s too difficult, then be around her less. Go out with your friends when you know she’s coming over or whatever. And on the topic of personal decisions like pit shaving, you can politely deflect those comments with “I’m good with my choice on this, thanks” repeated as needed.

    3. matcha123*

      I kind of get where you’re coming from. I felt like my sister was already in this weird relationship with me and my mom before she went to university and after she went things just…I dunno.

      I can only guess that she doesn’t want to feel like she’s being pushed back into a role she’s outgrown or she feels she’s outgrown, and she’s taking out other frustrations on you all. Not telling you about her new partner, I can only assume is because she doesn’t want people to have any input into her relationship. I guess I’d understand that if you were coworkers and not family, but it doesn’t sound like you all are the type of people to badger.

      One thing I notice with my sister, and I don’t know if this applies to yours, is that she seems to look up to certain types of families: kids call their parents by their first names; parents are very hands off and never ask about their kids; kids are free to come and go as they please, no questions asked; parents are well-off and freely give kids money/cars/etc.

    4. Sarah in DC*

      Maybe I missed this detail, but besides the conversation you had at Christmas, how do you know that she has been seeing someone for seven months? Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it because things didn’t work out, or its not a serious relationship.

      1. Colette*

        Or she’s seeing the roommate, or she’s afraid admitting anything will result in pressure to know more or requests to meet him, or…. I wonder the boyfriend is actually not the problem – if he’s standing in for the general lack of closeness you feel with your sister.

    5. Sunshine Brite*

      Don’t send that note! Sounds like you and your sister are just fundamentally different people and learning to navigate a new way now that you’re adults. I know my older sister still takes a knows-better-than-me stance on a lot of things even when I have more direct experience with the topic.

      Disengage a bit. Have dinner with her, but do you really need to hear about her daily calls from her mom? Just tell your mom you need a bit of space around that. Your relationship can be separate from her relationship with your sister even if you live together.

      She’s being over-reactive, but you don’t have to push it. Just say your piece and don’t censor yourself, but just acknowledge a disagreement and move on. Tell her when you don’t need a reprimand from her and set that boundary.

      She sure doesn’t have to tell you a thing about her “mystery friend.” I dated one guy off and on for almost a full 2 years of college and only told a story here and there of us and sure didn’t confirm any sort of dating status with my family members. They’re the last people I wanted in my dating life. Only person I introduced them to I married. Plus, I know I would react like you were somewhat snooping because of going off of what name you saw come up on my phone. What if he’s just a friend with benefits? I position myself since I find myself identifying with your sister as I’m the youngest, although I have the benefit of space to continue in the “deceptions” that I choose to keep to myself. What’s the focus on this guy? Like are you worried about her being a spinster and she feels the pressure? I have quite a few friends my parents only met at our wedding related events and more now that I’ve been at my job for awhile. That’s normal separation from your family of origin. Not everyone shares everything with their siblings/parent as friend.

      You shouldn’t be scared to talk about different topics, but you don’t have to grill her about her love life and crap on the way she spends her time after work. I know plenty of people who love just hanging with their roommates and puttering around the house in their mid-20s. Focus on the things you’d like to change, talk about a variety of topics and if you don’t like how she makes her point ask her to reframe it or just hear her out and move on.

    6. Jen RO*

      I don’t know what your sister’s age and situation is, but I would have reacted similarly in my early 20s when I was still living with my parents. We tend to live with our families longer than in the US, but I was itching to move out on my own and I resented anything I perceived as judgmental. My family found out about most of my boyfriends after a year… or never! I’m in my early 30s now and I still tend to react the same when I feel like they want to impose their opinions on me. I changed some of my interests and beliefs in the 8 years since I moved out and it does get annoying to hear shocked comments… the recycling thing sounds similar to me.

    7. Labyrinthine*

      Personally, I think you need to back up a bit. I am a bit like your sister in that I don’t like to talk about my relationships with my family. It isn’t that they aren’t supportive – it is that I like to keep those parts of my life separate until things are serious. And things wouldn’t be serious to me at seven months in. I’m nearly 30 and my parents have met one boyfriend – ever. We dated nearly two years before they even knew about him.

      Also, consider the possibility that your sister may not be in a strictly “traditional” relationship and she may not yet be comfortable discussing this with you. Maybe it is same sex, maybe there is an age or culture or socioeconomic difference.

      As for her “fashion police” at the wedding, that seems pretty normal, too. She is young and was embarrassed by your lack of conformity to social norms (which is completely fine, too and really is your business and no one else’s). She’ll likely grow past this as she gets older. You say you aren’t hyper eco friendly, etc, but it sounds like your family might be rather liberal – have you considered that she might not be? Perhaps that is why she gets uncomfortable in these conversations? She is worried that it might lead to other more political areas?

    8. Anonys*

      Reg poster but I’m giving out a lot of personal details so i’ll go anon. Don’t send that note! It’s only going to push her farther away. Warning: I am seeing a lot of myself in your sister so you can chose to take this advice however you’d like.

      I see the problem when you talk about ‘we thought were kind of family values’. Your sister is her own person. Just because your family believes something doesn’t mean she has to also. It sounds like your sister is just trying to figure out her place in the world. I spent a lot of my teen and college years doing what my mother and older sister thought was a good idea. I didn’t really know how to think for myself. After college, I started to realize I had no clue who I really was and what I wanted. So I avoid them a bit. Sometimes i do things just to spite her, sometimes because I truly want to do these things. Part of the process of me trying to figure out who i am means finding out who i am on my own, without them. So for some things, I simply can’t disclose to them. I need to make certain judgement and decisions on my own.

      You need to give her space. What you guys see as just wondering questions, she views as prying. Maybe she doesn’t want to tell you about her life because she’s afraid you’ll judge her. Maybe she doesn’t care about recycling- it’s her right not to. Why do you care if she spends all her time with her roommate? How do you know she didn’t consider other viewpoints on the Penn State scandal and just chose one opposite of yours?

      I don’t tell my family about relationships because i don’t want them to know. I hook up with guys, I talk to them- I’m not interested in all of them being my boyfriend. Sometimes I go out with guys I straight up know I DO NOT want to be my boyfriend. Some people don’t get this and I’m not really comfortable with my mom and sister knowing I sleep with people who I have no interest in dating. I also don’t need to tell my mom how much I like someone only for her to ask about him a couple months later and I have to admit what happened- which is sometimes really embarrassing and I have trouble admitting to my self let alone anyone else.

      I would give her some space. Don’t ask about specific topics- just ask ‘so what have you been up to lately, anything exciting’. If she doesn’t want to share, don’t pressure her. I think the less you try to force her to tell you things, the more willing she will be to disclose them on her.

    9. anonymous daisy*

      Don’t send the note.

      Let her set her own boundaries and don’t breach them. If she wants privacy for her dating life then give it to her. It is a square peg/ round hole situation. There isn’t anything wrong with her wanting dating privacy or you wanting to not shave, don’t force each other to live the way you want the other to live. Live with her choices and she will let you have yours. You both can probably back off a bit and appreciate the differences in each other.

    10. INTP*

      I’m kind of with your sister on the “mystery friend.” She’s an adult and it’s not that insane for her to wish to keep a relationship secret until she decides it’s serious enough to disclose. If she tells you it’s happening then she has to tell you when it ends and maybe she prefers to process things like that alone. And you say you just want an acknowledgement that it’s happening, but you’re also clearly bothered by the lack of elaboration, so would you really honestly be perfectly content with what she has shared if she just said “yes, he exists” and not press for another detail?

      Also, he may not be around anymore, and she doesn’t want to talk about that. There could be other mystery friends or potential mystery friends now.

      I do agree that she should not get defensive about recycling or tell you to cover up your armpit hair, ideally. But it sounds like she’s finding out who she is and she might be finding that she’s a bit of the odd one out in the family, less interested in recycling and more interested in following fashion norms than you and your mother. Ideally, yes, she would work through this in a way that was always pleasant and reasonable but it’s pretty normal to get a little more intense than necessary about your identity when you are asserting your different-ness from your family. And your family may be a little more intense than necessary about recycling and other issues because it’s tough to watch her abandon what you consider family values. Take time away from her as you need to decompress and keep patience, but don’t try to force information out of her or express frustration at the normal identity things that are only a sore spot because you thought they were family values (like the lack of interest in recycling).

    11. Jillociraptor*

      First, don’t send that note. Your sister is giving you pretty clear signals that you’re overstepping or making her feel defensive in some way and the way to fix that is definitely not to demand information or put her on the defensive!

      Any time you’re dealing with a conflict, I think it’s critical to assume that the other person has a reason for their behavior. Even if it’s not one you would have, even if you don’t agree with their interpretation. They have a reason, and unless you can take that seriously, you’re probably not going to be able to resolve the issue and have a positive relationship. If you think about it, what hypotheses do you have for the reasons your sister would give for her behavior?

    12. Sister*

      Thanks for the input. Last night just kind of welled up on frustration, and I’m a bit ashamed that I kind of let it all out here. You’re right, it’s not our business when she talks about her mystery friend. It’s just enough of a departure from previous interactions, we react badly (mostly venting to each other). We just spent a whole day together for mother’s day and it was fine!
      I also recognize that while I might not get preachy, I am really stubborn about my own opinions and beliefs.
      We worry about the one roommate because my sister kind of puts her on a pedestal, but she is just rude enough and prejudiced enough we worry about her rubbing off on my sister.

      Oh! I was never ever going to send that note. I was just frustrated enough, I wanted to let it out. Like writing a letter and immediately ripping it to pieces.
      Thanks again for all the input.

      1. Jillociraptor*

        Totally understood. It’s tough when relationships change, which it sounds like is happening with your sister as her behavior changes a bit. That’s hard to navigate and I hope you find a good solution that helps you both have the relationship you want.

  48. Ann Furthermore*

    It’s snowing in Denver tonight. Snowing. It’s May 9th. And it’s snowing.

    1. Stephanie*

      I went up to Flagstaff yesterday and it was supposed to snow there as well. I saw some wintry mix before I headed south.

    2. Clever Name*

      Fellow Denver area resident, and I’m PISSED! Second Mother’s Day in a row where I don’t get to plant my annuals. We’re seeing Age of Ultron instead.

    3. Gecko*

      I’m in the Denver area too. My husband reminded me that it snowed last mothers day too.

    4. Oh anon*

      If I remember correctly, it snowed on mother’s day in northern colorado last year too.

    7. LisaS*

      I’m in southern California and we had 6″ of snow in the local mountains. Again, in May.

      1. CAA*

        We got an inch of rain! It’s odd to be so cold and have rain in May, but we’re extremely thankful for every drop of water we get during this drought.

    8. danr*

      The snow is to balance out the early Tropical storm here on the east coast. The saying used to be “June, too soon”. I guess now it will be “May… what the he???”

    10. Betty (the other Betty)*

      We got several inches of snow up in Boulder. But it’s melting and pretty nice out if you can avoid the wet snow falling off trees. Back up into the 70s by Tuesday. I love spring in Colorado: you never know what weather you’ll get, and if you don’t like it, wait 15 minutes and it will change. :)

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I know; my friend there was posting about it on Facebook. Stay safe!

      I’m surprised we didn’t get any here in MO. The last two years, it snowed in early May. Weird.

  49. Treena Kravm*

    Moving Boxes! I think this time around I really do have to buy them. Any options cheaper than Home Depot? Small boxes ($0.74), medium ($1.24), and large ($1.46).

    1. Gecko*

      I got some off of free cycle that had only been used once. You might try looking there.

      1. Treena Kravm*

        I’m going to be putting stuff in storage and want to be able to pack it really tight, so I need to buy them in one place, all only 2-3 different sizes. I normally do liquor stores and craigslist, but I don’t want to waste space this time.

    2. Noah*

      Home Depot is the cheapest I’ve ever found for new. It is also nice to have boxes all the same size or at least only 3-4 sizes. It makes stacking them way easier.

      If I know I’m moving though I usually start hoarding the copier paper boxes from work.

      1. Stephanie*

        Yeah, that’s been my experience as well unless you order in bulk off Amazon.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Grocery stores, dollar stores, almost anywhere. I liked paint store boxes for books. You can pack a lot in there and still be able to lift it. Use old newspaper for packing paper where ever you can. Moving can cost a fortune, so grab as many freebies as possible.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      UsedCardboardBoxes dot com! They sell packages and will ship them to you with tape, markers, and paper.

    5. Katie the Fed*

      I’m going to piggyback on this and ask the same thing about bubble wrap.

      God, I hate moving.

      2. Treena Kravm*

        I was going through the basement to start organizing, and I found three GIANT boxes of bubble wrap that I saved 2 years ago for this move. Happy I saved it, but man oh man is that nuts of me.

        Do you really need bubble wrap or will the blank newsprint work? That’s usually more economical.

    6. Clever Name*

      Maybe try craigslist. After we moved, I really just wanted to be rid of the packing materials and boxes. I think I listed them for like $25, and a nice man came and loaded everything up for me. :)

    7. Persephone Mulberry*

      When we were moving last summer, Menards was the cheapest. However, our professional movers – we paid for packing service, and I am totally on board with this for all future moves – threw in the boxes for free on the condition that they be returned in reusable condition within 30 days (talk about motivation to unpack, too).

  50. Drew*

    It’s been an awful three weeks. My cat went missing and I’m quite certain that she was taken by a coyote. I still have really strong emotions about it, but the idea of a tattoo memorial feels appropriate to me. It would be my first tattoo. My mother is worried that I’m making a rash decision because of my grief, but I’m not sure. She was my first cat and was the inspiration for the adoption and fostering of many more. Has anyone here ever regretted a memorial tattoo? Or gotten a tattoo to memorialize a pet? Would you agree that I shouldn’t do it until I’m done grieving?

    1. TheLazyB*

      I am so sorry :(

      I would design and decide where, but I would wait until it’s not quite as fresh before you go for it. Especially while it would be your first.

      Disclaimer, I’ve been wanting a tattoo for about 18 years but still don’t have one. Too indecisive, which may feed into this advice.

    2. KittyLady*

      To build off what TheLazyB said, I heard somewhere and I like the advice. Print out your idea of the tattoo, decide everything you want for it, and hang it up somewhere you will see it everyday. Then wait 6 months or a year. You will see it everyday, and you’ll settle into knowing you want it, or you’ll decide that exact design might not be for you.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Yes, what they said. Can you sketch it out yourself and then frame the sketch for the waiting period, so you still have some kind of memorial in the meantime? If you don’t feel like you can sketch it on your own, maybe you can talk to a tattoo artist and pay them a commission to design it, and tell them that you want to have a copy of the design to look at while you think about it.

    4. Labyrinthine*

      I’m so sorry, Drew. I got my dog’s paw print when he was very sick. It was a rash decision and it still makes me sad seeing it sometimes, but I never regretted it.

      But – shop artists. Not for price, shop for talent. Be willing to travel a bit, if you live in an area with limited options. Look for someone who does work like what you want done. Do not go for the cheapest, go for the best. Save if you can’t afford it now. Body art can either be cheap or it can be amazing. I’ve never seen it be both.

    5. Sunflower*

      I like the idea of designing it and hanging it up. You can also get a henna or other long-term temporary tattoo for the time being

    6. Calla*

      I am so sorry.

      I don’t have any memorial tattoos, but I’ve regretted tattoos, so here’s my advice: get something you know will be timeless for you. Hello Kitty was not a good idea for tattoo for me because I outgrew it (also the artist was terrible). But I also have a panda and I still love that one. Even if I’m not obsessed with pandas like I was as a teen anymore, it will never be something I hate or am embarrassed about.

      I don’t think a memorial tattoo for your cat will be something you regret. It might be best to wait until the grief isn’t so fresh, but I don’t think you have to contemplate it for a year. Consider what version of a memorial would be timeless for you (for example, personally I think a simple portrait would be better than some kind of text one), and then find an artist whose work speaks to you.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I agree with TheLazyB–wait a bit before you get it. That way, you can decide exactly what you want. But I think it’s a lovely idea for a tat. I can’t imagine regretting it, unless you got it on your face or somewhere you couldn’t cover it if needed.

      *Disclaimer: has two tats, one being a huge Hogwarts crest on her upper arm.

    8. CA Admin*

      I got a tattoo memorial when my rabbit died about a year and a half ago. The thing is, most really good artists have a long wait list, so even if you have an idea and a consultation, you’ll still have some time to think. I got my idea last January, had the consultation in February, and didn’t have my first appointment until August. It never hurts to see what artists are out there and get a feel for their styles.

    9. LCL*

      Chose a location on your body where the tattoo can be easily concealed. For reasons of future job hunting, and so you don’t have to apply sunscreen all the time. I love the tattoo on my right upper arm but the left is bare because I drive so much I get a trucker’s tan.

    10. Drew*

      Thank you all so much. It’s kind of comforting to talk about this with people I don’t know.

      I like the idea of looking at a sketch daily- it’s what I do with most big decisions (except the decision to get cats, oddly enough). I also didn’t realize there might be a wait list, so that’s good to know. Any artist recommendations in Los Angeles?

  51. Lonely anonymous*

    Argh! Friend issues. One of my friends…well I think I am more her friend than she is mine. I have been running for a few years, and my friend was never into it, ok, no problem. Then she found out running and I thought how cool! We can run together or go to races and have brunch/hang out after. But…it is clear that is not going to happen. She does run with other people. She goes to races. She has a ton of running friends. I’ve given up trying to arrange things but it hurts especially when I realize we just ran the same race, usually via facebook/twitter after the fact. Our paths cross professionally so it feels I am constantly being reminded of this. It’s painful.

    1. TheLazyB*

      I have been there. Oh god I’ve been there.

      No suggestions just hugs (if you want them from an Internet stranger)

      Actually, one suggestion: hide her on fb and stop following her on Twitter. If there’s any comeback just play dumb.

      It sucks. I’m sorry :(

    2. Labyrinthine*

      Been there. Felt that. It sucks. Your best bet is to silence social media. It will only hurt worse if you have to be reminded of it. If you feel it is too confrontational to “unfriend” her, you can simply “unfollow” her.

      Then, if you don’t have your own running buddies – find some. Join a running group (not one she belongs to), check out Meetup . org for a local one. It’ll hurt less over time.

      It also helps if you recognize this for what it is: you are grieving a loss. I’m sorry. It sucks and it is painful and it is one of the worst feelings. But it’ll get better. And it really is her that is missing out.

    3. Audiophile*

      I’ve had friendships like that. Had two people who I considered friends, but it became more and more clear that those feelings weren’t reciprocated. It was hard, because one of them I had known for almost 10 years and considered her one of my best friends.
      Now I’ve made friends as an adult, that I don’t feel like I’m begging them to hang out with me. I definitely second meetup.com, it’s great. I wasn’t keen on it at first, but I finally found a group I really fit with.

  52. Audiophile*

    My job now blocks AAM. I was able to access it the other day.

    I returned the Nexus. I really do like it, but I know that money can be better spent on other more important things. Bought a GoPhone for now (the HTC Desire 610), but I found a cheaper one, that also offers LTE and will likely sell it or return it.

    Had a first round interview and a few more dates with the same guy. So far so good.

    1. Phones*

      GoPhones and the like are nice because you can get something that looks professional without advertising that you are on the “I’m broke, please hire me!” plan. Good luck with everything! :)

      1. Audiophile*

        I’m broke, certainly more than I realized or wanted to admit. So I’ll save up for an M8 or M9. My only gripe is I notice my service isn’t as good with the GoPhone as it is with a contract phone. Even with the ones with LTE. Last night with the Desire, I kept having to go into the living room to text.

    2. Windchime*

      My work recently got a new firewall and everything that was classified as a “blog” was blocked. I protested because this is a career development site, and I also read some programming blogs. Eventually they unblocked the blogs so all is well. Maybe you have a new firewall at work and you can ask them to unblock?

      1. Audiophile*

        No, definitely not a new firewall. It’s a large corporation and they block things, at one point they blocked Gmail and Yahoo mail. I thought I was the only one who read AAM here but I guess not.

  53. Colette*

    I spent probably nine hours yesterday starting the process of painting my living room/dining room/hallway, and it looks much like it did before I started. (I painted the ceiling and my sister did a little trim, and, of course, some of those hours involved prep.)

    I miss having accessible chairs.

    1. fposte*

      Urgh. I love the idea of painting, but prep is so tedious, and painting a ceiling is particularly unpleasant. If you’ve avoided getting paint in your hair, consider it a major victory.

      1. Colette*

        I have paint everywhere – my hair, my hands, the bottom of my feet, all over my clothes. It’s getting there, though – the primer is done, so I should only have one coat of trim, two of the walls, and touch ups left. I hope we get one more coat done today.

        This was long overdue, though – I had planned to do it last July but I was too sick to do so.

  54. AdjunctGal*

    Favorite non-American cuisine? I’m personally a big fan of Indian and Greek. I have to keep gluten free, but that’s easy enough to do.

    1. Katie the Fed*

      So many! Probably Lebanese would be my favorite, but I also love other regional variations of Middle Eastern. Love Afghan/Pakistani food. I love North Indian. South Indian. West African (we found a really good West African restaurant near here – it’s really unique and delicious). Cambodian, but we haven’t been able to find it outside of Cambodia. Thai. Laotian.

      I really just love food :)

    4. Mimmy*

      I’m starting to like some Indian dishes, mainly tikka masala and similar dishes. Also, there’s a creamy mango drink that is SO GOOD, but I can’t remember the name of it. It’s not alcoholic.

      1. Mimmy*

        Argh, this one Indian restaurant in Philadelphia we went to around Christmas that I loved…I wish I could remember the name of it. Hubby’s nephew lives in the downtown area, near the “Love” sign, so the restaurant was in that neck of the woods.

        1. Sunflower*

          Indeblue in Washington square West in Philly is AMAZING! (It’s slightly south west of Love park) I went about a year ago before it really got popular so i hope it’s still good. Well priced as well.

    5. matcha123*

      Mmm… Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Mexican and Indian.
      I’ve had some really nice curry and nan since coming to Japan. Japanese curry is pretty tasty, too.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Italian, and I like Indian too. In London, I tried tapas for the first time with friends, and I really liked that as well. I can’t wait to have it again.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Ooh, that sounds yummy as well! What foods did you have? I had black rice with cuttlefish, and blood sausage that came with these little hot red peppers. I had to drink a lot of red wine to kill the fire, ha ha.

          It was this little place tucked away near King’s Cross / St. Pancras Stations, called Caminos. It’s a bar with a restaurant in the back. I put it on my must-return-here list. Plus they had the coolest Spanish waiter–he says to me, “I love your accent!” and I said, “I love yours too!” XD

  55. Katie the Fed*

    Question – have you ever dealt with a sort-of-invisible disability or injury?

    I’m still recovering from my accident a few months ago, and I’m making good progress, but some things are harder than others. For example – I have a really hard time on stairs – I have to use the handrail for support and I go really slowly. People give me strange looks, like I don’t know how to use stairs or something. Because on flat ground, I barely even limp anymore (although I do walk a little weirdly). But I hit stairs and I really struggle. I don’t want to take an elevator because I need to build up the strength and flexibility that comes with practice. But…oy.

    Also, because I walk sort of normally on flat ground, I’ve totally gotten dirty looks using handicapped parking. I get it – I’m young and I look healthy but walking is REALLY hard for me right now and I’m doing my best. Should I say anything to people who are clearly giving me Judgy McJudgerpants looks?

    I know I’m probably being overly sensitive. I hate being noticed to this extent. I’d really like to retreat into anonymity again. I really hated being in a wheelchair/crutches/walking casts because everyone felt the need to comment. But at least nobody thought I was an idiot and/or scamming for handicapped parking.

    1. fposte*

      I wouldn’t bother saying anything. At least half the time what feels like stares at you are probably staring into space trying to remember their plans or grocery lists; I think it’s even more than that on the stairs.

      I know what you mean; I would tend to self-consciously accentuate my limp when walking in from handicapped parking. But I think what you’re talking about is more our response to impairment than it is really about other people–most of the time other people aren’t noticing us in the slightest. Hopefully soon you’ll be back to your usual capabilities and it’ll be a moot point.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        Yeah, this probably is more my issue of being self conscious and frustrated. I really want to be back to normal. I wake up every morning thinking “ooh maybe today I’ll be back to my normal self again”
        and then reality comes crashing down. But I SWEAR there are people giving me dirty looks, too.

        1. Christy*

          I would probably want to make direct eye contact and say something like “F*ck off.” in a direct tone, but that’s kind of confrontational. If you want something to say, maybe “if you have a problem with me, you’re welcome to take my _____ pain and my handicapped placard. I’d gladly trade places.”

          1. LD*

            Second this! So many people are in situations that require support and their pain is invisible. People don’t have signs that say what’s going on. Ignore them and take care of yourself.

    2. Colette*

      I have no personal experience, but I’d vote for not saying anything (unless the judgement is out loud). It might be helpful for the person making assumptions, but it’s unlikely to be helpful to you.

    3. the gold digger*

      I once teased a co-worker for being so lazy that he took the elevator up one level rather than taking the stairs. He said, “I have a really bad back and stairs are hard for me.”

      Uffda. For shame. That was 15 years ago. Since then, I have learned to not assume and to keep my big, insulting mouth shut.

    4. BRR*

      I haven’t really been in this situation. All I can say is a lot of people are terrible.

    5. Mimmy*

      I’m with the “don’t say anything” camp, unless someone says something to you directly. I always try to give people with handicapped parking the benefit of the doubt. Sure, there are definitely people who abuse the system, but I try not to judge too quickly because there are many people whose situation isn’t readily apparent. Be confident that what you’re doing is okay and needed for your recovery!

      I don’t know the specifics of your injury, but any injury takes time to heal…it’s important to take it one day / one step at a time. Your recovery will feel a lot smoother if you’re patient with yourself. I know, MUCH easier said than done. Just be kind to yourself…hang in there ((gentle hug))

    6. danr*

      Don’t say anything to the busybodies. In NJ you would need a handicapped tag hanging on the mirror to use the spaces, and you can get a temporary one easily enough. With the tag, no one gives a second thought.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I have a tag, and I put it up. But I still get the sense that people think I’m abusing it.

        1. Mimmy*

          Don’t worry about them…that’s their problem. You’re legit, and that’s all that matters.

        2. danr*

          Stop worrying. I think people are looking for the tag rather than at you. I have a temporary tag and I put it up after I park. I’ve gotten some fishy looks before the tag goes up.

        3. Andrea*

          I deal with the same thing, and to be honest a lot of the time people are judging. It’s ridiculous, but I usually remind myself that it’s just luck that they haven’t had to deal with this yet, and then decide how I want to handle it. When I have little energy but am annoyed I usually give them a judgemental look back – it’s a sort of patronizing stare with an eyebrow raise that I learned from the teachers and nurses in my family, which entertains me and shames them. Sometimes if it’s important (for example at work where I need to be a leader and help create a positive culture) I speak up in a really matter of fact way – for example, I reminded a coworker who was worried about energy used when I take the elevator that I can’t take the stairs and neither can lots of people who “look” fine so we can’t limit services for the sake of energy saving. Most of the time though I just ignore it because I don’t want to care what they think.

    7. matcha123*

      After I had surgery last year, I had to walk slower than I ever have in my life. I figured that people would think I looked strange; I didn’t have any wheelchair or cane or anything other than shuffling along. And I thought that if someone wants to stare, I’ll let them. And if someone wanted to say something, I’d be more than willing to pull up my shirt and show them my surgery scars.

      I prefer to take the stairs, but I didn’t want to push myself. I typically take the elevator up and the stairs down. A month or so after surgery, I felt good enough to slowly make my way down the stairs. I walked to the far edge of the sidewalk and such so that no one could have anything to complain about. I really don’t like being stared at, but, it wasn’t anything I could help, so I went on my way.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        If nothing else, I’m going to come out on the other end of this with much more patience for slow walkers. I’ve always been a fast walker, and dart in and out of crowds and around people. I now have a full appreciation for just how obnoxious I used to be :( People kind of tailgate me when I’m walking, and I have to step to the side to let them pass. I’m basically driving 30 mph on a highway.

        1. danr*

          I used a cane during my first back problem. I got many embarrassed looks from folks who cut me off getting into lines and then looked back to see the cane. If they waved me into what would have been my place in line… I smiled and said ”thanks’, and took it.

    8. The Other Dawn*

      I would to ignore people…unless they say something ignorant to you. Then just let it fly. But that’s me.

      In the past I’ve made a lot of snap judgments and that’s something I’m always working on. I admit I used to judge when I saw someone parking in a handicapped spot who then appeared to be completely without a disability. But that changed when my mom got a placard because of her heart disease. You wouldn’t have know by looking at her, but she needed it because she got winded very quickly and needed to limit exertion.

      However! I still judge when I see someone pull into a handicap spot and they don’t have a sticker, plate or placard and no apparent disability or injury. That annoys me. Those spots are for people who need them, not so someone can get in and out of the store faster. Yes, I’ve seen that quite a bit in my area.

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        Yeah, I hate that. I have seen people get out of tagged cars/vans and walk into a store with no apparent problem. Sometimes I give them the glare. Other times, I try to remind myself that they might be going through chemo or have fibro and while they may look fine right now, in a half hour they could be so out of wind that it’s all they can do to get back to the car. I sometimes have problems with my knees, so I’ll take an elevator, especially when I’m carrying my computer equipment on my back because it’s heavy!

        I once saw a family of four get out of a station wagon that had been parked in the “for parents with small children” spot. A very fat family of four. Oh yes, the judgement that day was so much. Those kind of spots were new back then, but c’mon. The icon was a baby carriage and those kids were old enough to walk, the youngest couldn’t have been younger than 8.

        1. danr*

          The problem is that now I *can* easily walk the short distance in a parking lot from the handicapped space without my cane. I would need the cane if I had to walk the longer distance five or six rows from the handicapped space.

      2. Bangs not Fringe*

        I know two individuals who have regularly used their relative’s handicap tags without the relative in the vehicle. It has made me somewhat skeptical of people using handicap spaces when they appear to be able bodied. But knowing that people’s disabilities are not always visible, I try not to give dirty looks and would never comment. But I definitely have made mental notes about the lack of character in those individuals I mentioned earlier. Taking spaces from those who truly need them is what irritates me.

    9. Pennalynn Lott*

      I had both my hips replaced in the same year, and then dislocated one of them a month after surgery which completely screwed up the healing of the soft tissues (as in, it’s a mangled mess). I have a huge problem with stairs because my right leg doesn’t work properly on them. Just like you, I walk perfectly normal on flat ground or inclines, but stairs are awkward. (Use the handrail, both feet on one stair before moving to the next one). After going back to college last semester, I’ve gotten the side-eye from “kids” who are bounding down the stairs or taking them two at a time but, tough-noogies, they can go around me. I just remind myself of the year before my surgeries, when I couldn’t walk without crutches and I sure as hell couldn’t take the stairs, even one at a time. I’m grateful I can walk like a normal person, even if stairs slow me down. Random strangers don’t need to know my back story, they just need to move around me. :-)

      Also, I had a handicap placard (renewed every six months) for two years. I got a couple of nasty looks when I was having a “good hip day” and could walk fairly normally from my car into the store (or wherever). And you know what? Fuck ’em. :-) They’re strangers, I’ll never see them again, and they’re hateful idiots. Why would I give any amount of brain space to idiots?

      The important thing is to take care of yourself, which includes being nice to yourself. Which of course includes not letting what strangers *might* be thinking of you get to you.

    10. INTP*

      I have ADHD, and newly diagnosed with asthma (which I’ve apparently had for most of my life, undiagnosed). So those are hidden disabilities that affect what I can handle in life, but I’m not sure if that’s what you’re going for.

      I did have a stress fracture that required a boot for two months and some healing time after I got it off. I went to a wedding my first week of wearing regular shoes (with special orthotics) and the restroom was far from the reception so they had a golf cart giving rides to people who needed help with the distance. I got quite the dirty look from the lady driving it when I got on the cart while my mother (in her mid-50s, hardly feeble) walked. My mom said “She has a broken foot” and the lady just kind of nodded, clearly still skeptical.

      Shortly after that a strange woman got mad at me for taking an elevator up one floor. I got on, said “Two please,” and she snarled “TWO?!” (in the air in general, of course, not directly to me). I was too shocked to explain the situation in the 10 seconds I was on the elevator, so I’ve been kicking myself for missing my chance to embarrass her ever since. I didn’t even know it was a thing to get mad at people for taking the elevator an insufficient number of floors (I guess because it slows the other riders’ trip by a whopping 5 seconds or so?), let alone be so openly hostile about it.

      I also have acquaintances that have handicap campus stickers for things like IBS and migraines (I believe these are easier to get than the DMV handicap status because of the extreme nature of campus parking – not having a sticker doesn’t mean you park at the back of the same lot but that you might park miles away). People can snark on it but it allows them to make it to class when a crowded shuttle might be a migraine trigger or parking five minutes from the nearest restroom might be an impossibility, so I have no issue with it.

      1. LD*

        Some people don’t filter and let their judgmental thoughts come out of their mouths. I have a friend who is recovering from ovarian cancer. It’s impossible to look at her and know she’s recuperating. She looks great. Once she was leaving a handicapped stall in the women’s restroom and she actually had someone complain out loud to her face that the stalls are only for people who need them and she shouldn’t be using it…really?! She said she was so shocked that she didn’t know what to say. Aaargh! I was so angry on my friend’s behalf. And it helps me to remember that everyone is fighting some battle, we just are privileged to know what it is.

        1. the gold digger*

          What? The handicapped stall is there so the person who needs more space and handrails has them, but it is not supposed to sit empty while the rest of us wait in line! If there were someone who needed it in line, I would certainly insist that she use it before I, but otherwise, I am not waiting longer just to keep the handicapped stall empty.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      “I pray you never have a hidden disability/injury like this.” And turn away from the staring person.

      You can tell yourself privately that this is what healing looks like for some people. They look like they are doing just fine but their insides are still not quite back yet. So casual viewers assume they are looking at a healthy person. Some people heal from the outside to inside- their faces have good color, their hair looks healthy and their eyes look bright/alive. But inside it feels like a tractor trailer hit something. Allow this thought to amuse you sometimes: “I appear to others to be a healthy person. This is the first step in reknitting/healing. I AM actually doing better than before. [And smile to yourself.].”

      It’s a bitch. The people who are critical probably have never had to deal with any major medical issue. They don’t know. That is why I suggest you offer them the wish of never having it happen to them.

      This happens on emotional injuries also. It was two weeks after my husband passed. I went to a church service with some family. Afterwards there was coffee and donuts. I don’t know what possessed me, but I agreed to go get coffee. I flopped down in a chair, feeling pretty drained by everything. Family members were being super sweet. The old woman I sat next to was not sweet at all. She said, “What is wrong with you?! You are too young to be acting so old!”

      I thought about saying my husband just died and I had been giving him 24/7 care for months. Then I realized. She would just say, “Well I buried two husbands. Get over it.”
      Thinking quickly, I realized I had to say very little. So I said, “yeah. huh.” And turn in my chair so my back was toward her. That was the end of that.

      So you are reading this and with great clarity you can see this woman was an ass. Likewise back at ya, these people being critical about you are asses! In my story, this woman totally lack the skills/abilities to offer any meaningful help to me. This is important to realize. These judgey people are not going to be helpful to you- don’t waste a second of time/energy on them. You can’t make a silk purse out of sow’s ear. Move on, watch for the smart people with clever ideas that make your day lighter/easier. Look for the people who are happy to see you back in circulation. These are the types of people who “get it”. Seek out these people and keep your thoughts on them.

  56. brightstar*

    I finally got my insurance settlement, and it’s for $2000 more than what the lawyer was expecting! This is the first time in years I’ve gotten a chunk of money, and along with buying a new laptop and saving money, I’m going to buy basically a new wardrobe. A lot of my clothes are over five years old and mended, including work clothes. I have to buy everything. My boyfriend will be out of town next weekend so I plan on going next Saturday and collapsing when I get I home and spending next Saturday night with the tv.

    The only thing is, I hate shopping. Does anyone have advice for getting through this shopping spree?

    1. Christy*

      Nordstrom personal shopper. They will pull items for you to try on. They’re amazing.

      1. brightstar*

        Oh, thanks for that! It may make the drive to New Orleans worth it! Plus, it would give me an excuse to go to MoPho again. Which is an amazing restaurant.

        That reminds me, they’re building a Nordstrom Rack in walking distance of my home and I fear for my bank account.

        1. CAA*

          I definitely second the personal shopper thing. I’ve done it in the past and found it really helpful to have a neutral 3rd party’s opinion as well as the familiarity with how various pieces and sizes are likely to fit.

          I have grown to hate shopping lately, but I am loving Stitch Fix, which is sort of a mail-order personal shopper. They send you 5 items every month and you send back what you don’t want in a postage-paid envelope. My second box is on its way, and I’m excited to see what’s in it. I kept 3 out of 5 items from the first box.

      2. Christy*

        Oh, and look into capsule wardrobes! That way all your new clothes will coordinate.

      3. BAS*

        I was one of the Nordstrom personal shoppers for 3 years and it is a great service! Try to give them as much information as possible, be flexible (they have the merchandise they have), and remember they work on commission. And have fun! It should be fun and as stress-free as possible.

        1. BAS*

          Oh, and since you mentioned your Nordstrom isn’t local, they will ship your alterations to you if you get pants hemmed etc free of charge if you don’t want to go back to pick them up.

    2. CoffeeLover*

      Figure out what kind of cloths you want and which stores carry those types of cloths. ONLY go into those stores. I’ve come to a point in my life where I know which stores work for me, and I can’t remember the last time I stepped into a store that wasn’t one of these (when shopping for myself anyway). It makes the whole process a lot less exhausting and a lot more efficient.

      I’ll add a bit of unsolicitade advice and say that you might want to consider going for better quality cloths this time around. Most of my wardrobe is also over 5 years old, but doesn’t need mending or replacing. This is a combination of the fact that I buy better quality cloths (yes they’re more expensive at the time, but they last longer), I have a fairly classic style, and I take care to wash/dry them appropriately.

      1. brightstar*

        The higher quality clothes is what I’m planning on doing, particularly regarding shoes. I’ve been having knee pain lately and think it’s from wearing frankly shitty shoes to work everyday that offer no support.

        1. Hellanon*

          Buy excellent shoes that fit well & have padding in the footbeds – Clarks, Merrell, Sofft, Born, etc, are good choiices. And because I wear suit-type things to work but not actual suits, I buy my trousers at Banana Republic & then shop eBay for gently-worn designer jackets – Armani, Donna Karan black label, plus store brands like Lafayette 148 and Classiques Entier. Key there is that you need to get physical measurements on a jacket you own that fits well (shoulders, bust/chest, sleeve length, back length), write the measurements down and compare them to the eBay seller listings. Keep in mind you still may need to get sleeves/collars tailored but you’ll eliminate nasty surprises. I’ve picked up a bunch of Armani jackets for +/- $50 each, which to my mind beats buying new in that price range.

          1. fposte*

            Ooh. I like this idea. I’ve never thought of mixing it that way, even though I do a lot of high-low mixing. Thanks!

    3. Treena Kravm*

      Don’t try to do it all in one day! It’ll be overwhelming and you’ll be buying pieces just to buy them. If you spread it out even over 2-4 weeks, you can see how the new pieces fit in and what you need more of.

      1. Keery (Like the County In Ireland)*

        Another vote for Nordstrom & the Rack because I used to work there. We had a fellow who had brought 5-6 female friends to pick out a new wardrobe after losing 100 pounds. The only problem is he did it on the busiest part of a Saturday. Personal shopper would be best because they work with you and shop across departments, and you can start slow. Get the card too–you can do a debit version if you just have your routing and account number for your checking account.

    4. anonymous daisy*

      Buy bras first and shoes last on your shopping day. Bras first because they are such a pain to get on and off so you might as well cross them off the list first. Shoes last because your feet swell during the day and you want to make sure the shoes fit well at that time of the day.

    5. blue_eyes*

      Don’t feel like you have to do it all at once. Get a few basics (shoes, jackets, pants) and few things that you love now and then add a few new pieces each season.

    6. saro*

      Before you go shopping, think about the mandatory purchases, which clothes you enjoyed wearing, what you wear often, and etc. Then make a list. I’ve found specifying a set color palette helps too. Also keep a running list of purchases so you aren’t overwhelmed.

    7. it happens*

      Congrats! All good advice so far – just want to add that you should save a chunk of the wardrobe budget for the fall, when you can fill out your fall/winter wardrobe.

    8. Treena Kravm*

      I forgot to add. I also hate shopping and usually only do it seasonally for big runs like you plan on. But in general, I find shopping much more enjoyable if I’m not “looking” for anything in particular. It helps if you have a giant list, because you’re more likely to find something on your list than off it.

  57. Labyrinthine*

    About a month and a half ago I wrote about my sister, and how I had just found out she was living on the streets. Sadly, there has been little improvement since then. She saw a counselor a few times (long enough to get an official diagnosis) but won’t proceed with treatment and is refusing to go back.

    I wish more than anything that I could save her.

    2. brightstar*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I have a family member who is mentally ill and it’s incredibly frustrating and sad to see someone dealing with that and not getting help. My family member was on the streets for a while but is now at home. It’s hard and painful and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I am sorry to hear this. I do believe that when we want something badly for another person that our own personal desire does mean something. Wishing good on another person does have an effect of some kind. I can’t explain this very well except to say, keep it in your heart that you want the best for her and never let go.

  58. BRR*

    I’m on a super cleaning binge today. Any uncommon tasks that you learned should be done? Example, I’m finally cleaning my washing machine with vinegar and doing the fabric softener dispenser (which I’m pretty sure the previous tenant put detergent in because our landlord said they didn’t know how to do laundry, never cleaned out the dryer vent).

    1. Former Diet Coke Addict*

      I enjoy cleaning off the tops of my washing machine and dryer. I use them to fold clothes, so I’m pretty obsessive about mopping up spilled detergent and stuff, and they look nice as well.

      I also scrub the hell out of my sink using a mixture of baking soda and rock salt, then rinse with vinegar and then water. It gleams.

      Getting a long yardstick or something like that and cleaning UNDER everything–under the stove, under the fridge, under the bookcases, under the dressers, etc. Wipe down the baseboards, clean the floor of the closet, wipe down the tops of the cupboards, cleaning the light switches and door handles (they get SO dirty) as well as the common places people grab doors.

    2. Samantha*

      I find that the area around the kitchen sink garbage disposal can get pretty gross. I like to scrub it with with an old toothbrush dipped in a mixture of baking soda and white vinegar.

      I also try to give my refrigerator a good deep cleaning about once a month. Empty out all the food, toss anything expired, scrub it down and put everything back.

    3. Clever Name*

      I think kitchen cabinet fronts need to be cleaned and polished every so often, but I’ve discovered that not many people think to clean there. Wiping the handles is important too, especially if you have kids. Really cleaning the nooks and crannies of faucets is another forgotten area. Baseboards and doors.

    4. Windchime*

      I spent most of the afternoon power washing the driveway. I didn’t get it all done; I quit after two hours because my hands were buzzing from all the vibration of the wand. But the part that I did get done looks amazing.

      Today I’m going to put my new rug on the (covered) front porch and plant the flowers that I bought yesterday.

    5. fposte*

      I like descaling stuff. I live in a hard-water area and the teakettle and even the showerhead get scaled up. It’s very satisfying to do the water and vinegar thing and see them sparkling again.

      1. Jessica (the celt)*

        I recently did that with our showerhead, and my husband was shocked that it looked like new! It just needed a good soak and a scrub, and it looked great again. Is there anything more satisfying that seeing something gunky returned to its former, shiny glory?

        1. BRR*

          Ooh I can’t wait to do that tomorrow. I ran out of vinegar :(.

          It took me an hour (no exaggeration) to get the caked on fabric softener (and possibly detergent) out of the dispenser. Who knew soap could be so gross?

  59. Nervous Accountant*

    It’s Sunday, it’s Mother’s day. I miss my mom (who’s actually travelling right now) but I miss being the chance to be a mom, I lost 2 in the last couple of years and sometimes this day is rough sometimes its not. It doesn’t help that I’m home all weekend and the only thing occupying my mind is the stuff going on at home which I won’t get into, but I’m increasingly feeling like I’m heading into something I can’t ever come back from.

    1. StudentA*

      Awww. I’m sorry to hear it. This is a difficult day for many people. Is it too late to try to plan something nice to do today? Maybe hanging out with another friend who could use the company today? How about walking a trail? Or going to a museum you’ve always wanted to go to?

    2. brightstar*

      It sounds like self care is incredibly important right now. Even small things like watching a movie that you love or reading a book to help distract yourself from your problems.

    3. Labyrinthine*

      I’m sorry about your losses. There is nothing I can say that will make that easier.

      I wanted to say one other thing. I’ve felt like you do before: that you are headed for something that you can’t ever come back from. And I want you to know that is never true. As long as you are alive, you can always change your life or situation for the better. It isn’t always easy, but it can happen. If you feel hopeless, please seek help. There is always hope.

      Be well.

    4. TheLazyB*

      I had one miscarriage and the pain and anxiety and depression were absolutely awful. I am so sorry.

      Blogging helped me a LOT.

      Can you plan to see your mum soon? Might that help?

    5. Elizabeth West*

      *hug* I’m sorry this is such a hard day for you. I can sympathize; I seem to have no hope of ever being a mum and I want a family more than anything.

      Do something nice for yourself today–even if it’s a small thing. Make a favorite meal, sit outside for a bit if it’s nice. Watch a favorite show/movie on the sofa in a nice warm blankey with a cup of tea. I would make one for you if I were there.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Aw, I’m sorry.

      I have been through times where I could see the writing on the wall and knew the future was going to be very different than the present. If you can see this, then you have been granted time to prepare. Please keep going until you find someone to talk to about this. It may not have to be a professional but it should be someone you trust and someone you think highly of.

  60. Looby*

    My sister in law is driving me crazy. Yes, it’s Mother’s Day. Yes, you are a mother. But you’re not my mother and so, no, I will not be celebrate you and giving you a card. I will wish you happy Mother’s Day if I happen to talk to you, but I’m not going to to contact every mother I know to congratulate them on popping out a kid. You would think after 7 years of me not doing this, she would get the hint.

      1. Looby*

        She also says Valentine’s Day is for everyone, but I was raised that Valentine’s is for romantic relationships only (or your best friend if you’re both single). Now that my niece is older and getting into celebrating holidays etc, I’m apparently meant to give my niece a small Valentine present like stickers or something because that’s what her family does.

        1. BRR*

          Uh no. You don’t ask for gifts for your children (or at all). Your brother (if I have the relationship right) needs to tell her to take it down a notch.

        2. Katie the Fed*

          Um, no. First off – giving stuff for the sake of it is stupid. It’s just more trash in the landfills. I generally oppose trinkets and chintzy stuff like that for that very reason.

          Second – Just no. You don’t owe her kid anything for V-Day or any other holiday. If you want to give a little birthday or Christmas present, that’s nice. But neither is expected.

        4. anonymous daisy*

          I give small cards to friends on VDay but I would never expect one. I think VDay is for friends and loved ones but you can’t force people to do things that are supposed to be from the heart.

      2. TheLazyB*

        Ah now in my family grandmas also get cards for mothers day. But yeah, not anyone else I know who happens to be a mum! How weird to demand to be celebrated like that.

        1. Former Diet Coke Addict*

          Yeah, in my family it’s mothers, grandmothers, mothers-in-law, and grandmothers-in-law. But that’s it–I’m certainly not sending cards to all the many women I know who are mothers!

    2. matcha123*

      Yeah, mother’s day is for the person that you consider your mother. It’s not a free-for-all for everyone that you know to try to get gifts like christmas or something.

    3. Delyssia*

      Yeah, I’m with you. Maybe I’m just a scrooge, but I feel a little bit weird wishing mothers (other than my own) a happy mother’s day. I do it anyway, but only one-on-one, and only verbally or via text message (no sending cards or gifts or anything else). For that matter, my own mother gets a phone call and that’s it. A friend of mine sends her boyfriend’s mother flowers or presents for mother’s day, and making it clear that those are from *her* not from *them*. I think she’s out of her mind.

    4. Looby*

      Thank you everyone! She and I were raised in different countries so I’m never sure if her ideas are hers alone or a cultural thing. My brother has told me before that “you can’t say/do stuff like that around SIL-country people” but what he really means is you can’t say/do that around SIL because she’s always been treated like a princess and doesn’t like hearing the word no. I’ve bitten my tongue for a number of years over some of the things she says, but the “celebrate everyone on every occasion” really grinds my gears.

      1. Sunshine Brite*

        Ugh, the sentiment can be fun for people who are natural gift givers, but when it truly comes naturally then it doesn’t need reciprocation.

    5. SaraV*

      Guess I’m in the minority. I bought seven…yes, seven…Mother’s Day cards. Mom, MIL, Step-MIL, Grandma-in-law, my sister, two SIL’s. (If we had our druthers, Step-MIL wouldn’t get one. Has to be sent to keep the peace)
      *shrugs*
      We don’t have kids, so we appreciate our siblings/in-laws parenting our nieces and nephews.

      1. TheLazyB*

        I think I was up to seven one year. My mum, MIL, stepMIL, grandma-IL, nanna, and nannaIL. Oh no, six, but that’s still too many. Especially since step MIL is horrible,

  61. Elkay*

    I’m currently being out-smarted by one of my cats. He’s learnt to climb over the netting we have on the balcony and all my attempts to prevent this have been batted with a paw then worked around. I think I’m going to have to replace the netting which is a huge pain and too big a job to contemplate solo on a Sunday afternoon. Next weekend’s all used up so I’ll have to only let him have supervised access, fortunately he’s not very graceful and tends to yowl during his escape attempts so as long as I’m in the room I can stop him.

    1. Clever Name*

      Cats are too smart for their own good sometimes. :) Can I ask why you have netting up? Is it for an outdoor cat enclosure? That sounds kind of cool.

      1. Elkay*

        Short answer: Because without the netting they can get onto the neighbours’ balconies!

        Long answer: The balcony sticks out from the building on the 1st floor (2nd floor US) and has nothing above it, it’s 3 sides (with the house making the fourth side) about 2 feet of brick wall topped off by about 2.5 feet of railings. They can get under the railings then jump from the brickwork to a windowsill (either ours or a neighbours) and then jump down onto the neighbours balcony then they cry because they can’t work out how to get back. We put netting so they couldn’t get under it which worked until they grew big enough to jump up onto the railings which are at the same level as the windowsill. We still want to be able to get out onto the balcony/open the door for fresh air so putting a net over the whole thing is impractical so we have a net which is wider than the brickwork so they’d have to lean backwards to get over it, unfortunately the net is a couple of years old and has sagged to the extent that he’s worked out he can pull it down and hook his front paws over the railing while wiggling his back end up (whoever said cats are graceful never witnessed this!). Both cats have also fallen off the windowsill (but were fine just shaken) so we’d like to avoid that little adventure.

    2. GOG11*

      Have you tried chicken wire? That’s what my parents used on their cats’ outdoor enclosure at the top so they couldn’t get out and it worked really well.

  62. Katie the Fed*

    Another couple questions related to injury recovery:

    – I’ve gained about 10 pounds since my injury because I was so immobile. It actually looks like a lot more than that because I lost a lot of muscle too – so basically I’m just a flab beast. I had to go buy bigger clothes when I returned to work, sigh. Any practical suggestions for losing weight when you can’t be very active? I used to keep my weight under control because I walked so much. I don’t have time right now to get to a pool to swim.

    – I’d like to wear skirts this summer but I have some gnarly post-surgery scars on my lower legs. Is there any good reason I shouldn’t wear skirts, especially to work? I don’t really feel I should be ashamed of my scars and forced to hide them.

    1. Labyrinthine*

      Sadly I have no advice on how to lose weight when you can’t be very active (I can’t even do this and I have no excuse!)

      But I will say, you should wear whatever you feel comfortable wearing within your professional standards. However, you should also be prepared that nosey, rude people may ask questions. Feel free to not answer them, if you don’t want to.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I don’t mind answering – I got kind of used to it when I was in a wheelchair and on crutches, but I am still amazed by how many people think it’s appropriate to ask a complete stranger about their medical condition.

        1. the gold digger*

          1. Wear skirts and don’t sweat it. We all have scars – they are signs we have survived.

          2. When I fell off my bike last summer and had a huge bruise on my eye, along with six stitches in my eyebrow (and of course this all happened while I was still on my cheap-ass $2,500 deductible insurance from the non-profit – the whole idea with those high-deductible plans was that the employer would fund the deductible in health savings account), nobody asked me about it. I was walking around with this enormous bruise and people wouldn’t ask! People don’t ask about stuff!

        2. Labyrinthine*

          That is pretty much where I stand. I don’t mind talking about my visible scars, etc, but I am always floored that strangers feel it is okay to comment on them. I would never ask a stranger something so personal.

    2. Delyssia*

      Can you do any body weight exercises (push ups, planks, squats, etc.)? Even if you’re starting with pretty short durations and/or small numbers of reps, that seems like a good way to start building back muscle. And you can do it at home in a fairly small amount of time, as opposed to having to go to a gym or something.

      As for the skirts, I say you should absolutely wear them. I’d recommend being diligent about sunscreen (particularly but not exclusively on the scarred areas), but that’s the only concern I would have.

      1. Katie the Fed*

        I can do upper body stuff that doesn’t involve much weight or pressure on my legs. Maybe I can dust off the P90X abs and start there. If nothing else I’ll have great abs to go with my flabby legs.

        Good tip on sunscreen – I hadn’t even thought of it.

        1. LD*

          You can do surprisingly many arm exercises while you are sitting. And stretching is very important. I would assume you are seeing a physical therapist or occupational therapist who can offer guidance on what and how to exercise to get your whole self back into better shape again? Although I didn’t have anything like what you’re going through, I remember feeling like I was turning to jelly when I was recuperating from an ankle sprain. It motivated me to follow the direction of my physical therapist and made a huge difference in my recuperation. I wish you well.

        2. TalleySueNYC*

          Arm exercises: Maybe put some classical music on, and “conduct” to the music?

    3. nona*

      Hey, I’ve been there. I lost weight as I was able to get back to normal activity, which started with physical therapy. I gained it in the first place because I continued to eat normally when my TDEE was probably 300-500 calories lower than normal.

      I say wear skirts. But be careful about sunscreen/sun protection: Sun exposure can have a big effect on scars’ color as they heal. Also, people are going to ask about your scars. Have a short answer and a change of subject ready, because explaining scars is going to get old, lol.

    4. Sunflower*

      Can you talk to your doctor about losing weight? Do you have a PT you work with who can give you some tips?

      Wear skirts if you want to wear them. If people are bothered, they’re weird and it’s their problem. If you’re not comfortable wearing something that shows your legs, maxi skirts are super comfy and stretchy so you can buy them at the size you are now and probably still wear them after you lose some of the weight you gained.

    5. BRR*

      Since you can do upper body stuff maybe some free weights. You just need your body to burn calories so the upper body exercises will do that (plus I believe weights are better for burning calories than cardio but don’t hold me to that). Do you have an EAP that could help? We have a health coach program and she’s made some suggestions. It would be great for somebody who needs a little advice but can then do everything on their own.

      Wear skirts. Anybody who cares can bug off.

    6. katamia*

      As long as the scars are healed (not sure when your surgery was), I don’t think there should be any issues with skirts. I have scars on my knee from two surgeries (although mine aren’t really gnarly–they’re noticeable but not extreme) and have never really had bad reactions from people who saw them.

      Have you had any physical therapy? When I was mostly immobile, especially after my first knee surgery, physical therapy was all the exercise I got. If you did, maybe you could start doing your exercises again and increase number of reps/time spent per rep (what’s that called? Like if your PT told you to hold something for 5 seconds, you do the same number of reps but hold each for 10 seconds). It’s not that interesting, but it’ll help build at least *some* muscle back while you’re having trouble getting to the pool.

    7. Christy*

      Diet! Like, dieting can suck, but it’s a pretty sure-fire way to lose weight without exercising. Weight Watchers would probably work well in your case–it doesn’t assume any exercise. (I’ve done WW before with great success.)

    8. fposte*

      I have a humongous knee scar–seriously, it’s close to a foot long–and I wear skirts whenever I please because who gives a damn?

      But on the weight loss–Katie, you’re still healing. Now is not the time to try to deplete your body or, for that matter, your life. Sure, focus on being more active in whatever ways you can and avoid falling into patterns that’ll keep the weight coming, but give your body some time to recover. Focus on getting better and stronger before you worry about that.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      Can you do hand weights, while seated? That might help some.

      Also, wear a skirt if you damn well feel like it. There is no good reason you should be ashamed of anything. If other people have a problem with it, that’s THEIR problem.

    11. Pennalynn Lott*

      When I shattered my ankle, my surgeon told me to do “bicycles” while laying on my back in bed or on the floor. Basically you’re just pumping your legs in a circular motion in the air. It keeps you from putting any weight on your legs, and it’s really good for abs.

      But if you injured anything else besides your legs, I’d hold off on the weight-loss exercises until you’re more fully healed. Stick with slo-mo joint rotation exercises, just to keep things halfway limber (but without the risk of pulling or injuring something).

      1. Keery (Like the County In Ireland)*

        When I was in a car accident and broke my humerus and needed surgery and four months of PT, yeah I was “healed” at that point, but it was really about 6 months more before I felt normal and okay. And in some ways I was forever changed. Major trauma takes a long time to heal.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          Thanks – this is similar to what I’m going through. I’m just having a hard time all around. I used to be so active. I was never THIN, but I was active – we hiked a lot and rode our bikes and I took the dog on long, leisurely walks. And for the last 3 months I’ve been so inactive. I hate it. Meanwhile, my poor husband has to deal with a fat and moody wife. This isn’t what he signed up for either. I’m trying hard to pretend everything’s normal but it’s just not. To be honest, I love being at work because at least I can use my brain the way I used to. It’s the rest of me that’s all messed up.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, Katie, I so hear that. But I suspect you’re worrying more about what he has to deal with than he is. I seriously doubt that he’s spend any time at all thinking about your 10 pounds, let alone the amount of time you have.

            It’s really tough when you can’t behave in ways that are the core of your self-identification. (I spent a lot of time thinking about this after surgery.) But I think there’s something to be said for realizing that you are more than those behaviors and that you haven’t actually lost yourself, nor has your husband lost the woman he married. Sure, you’ll get back to those, but even if you didn’t, you’d still be awesome Katie the Fed and your husband would still feel lucky to have you.

          2. TheLazyB*

            Life goes like that. After a bereavement my husband now has to deal with me suffering from anxiety and depression. He didn’t sign up for that. But he’s accepted it. It sucks but that’s how life goes. For better for worse and all that :-/

    13. Meadowsweet*

      I’ve ‘Yoga for Pain Relief’ – it’s fairly gentle and most (if not all) of the poses have seated modifications.
      Heck yes wear skirts if you want to!

  63. Sunflower*

    So my sister’s wedding happened(the cost was closer to 55k if that makes anyone breathe easier from the originally projected 80k lol). Of course, almost everything went perfect and everyone had fun. So now that it’s over my family is just trying to come down a bit from the craziness and there’s kind of a feeling of ‘so now what’ . I googled this and was shocked to find out that it’s pretty common for people to experience a depression over their wedding day being over. My mother is already starting to plan my little sister’s wedding(BTW neither of us are ANYWHERE close to being engaged) and seems to think she is now a professional wedding planner.

    I’m just starting to realize how insanely crazy wedding costs are- for all parties involved. I was discussing this with my friends and it’s kind of crazy that we agreed a reasonable cost for a wedding is 35k. I’m in a big city in the northeast so I’m wondering how it is for other’s in the US.

    What’s the average people spend on weddings around you?

    1. Labyrinthine*

      That is pretty typical for out here. That said…Call me crazy but there is absolutely no freaking way I would spend 35k on a wedding. Ever. I could buy two cars for that. I could put 25% down on a house. I could pay off half my student loans. I could travel for a year or more. Or, I could spend it on one party. Not a tough decision for me.

      Court house with nearest and dearest + backyard celebration for family and friends = married for less than $500.

      1. Windchime*

        I agree. My son got married for a couple thousand dollars. He wore a suit he owned and the bride borrowed her gown. The venue was gifted from his dad, but it would have only been a couple hundred dollars if it was rented. The food was sandwiches, salads and chips from Costco (again, a few hundred dollars) along with a dozen pies from a local baker. Wine was from Trader Joe’s and a keg was provided by a bartender friend. Music was a couple of friends acting as DJs. They took several thousand dollars for a nice tropical honeymoon and that was it. No stress over months of planning and fancy favors and decorations. No worrying about a fancy, formal catered dinner with name cards and stress over who should sit where.

        I can’t imagine paying $35k for a wedding. Not in a million years, unless I was a zillionaire.

    2. Katie the Fed*

      Mine was on the low end of what people spend around here (DC area) but I did a lot of things to keep the costs low:

      – Daytime wedding (brunch buffet – it was so much fun and everyone loved the food)
      – Smallish guest list
      – Ceremony and reception at the same location
      – Bouquets and centerpieces from Sams Club and fiftyflowers dot com – both ended up looking great, and I bought vases for the centerpieces for $1 each at the dollar store.
      – Only one attendant for each of us. From my friends experience – mo’ bridesmaids = mo’ trouble. Plus, my friends are in their 30s and nobody really wants to do the bridesmaid thing anymore. Ain’t nobody got time or money for that.

      My strategy was to prioritize the things I really cared about – food, venue, photography and cut corners on things I didn’t care too much about – flowers, my dress (as long as it looked good I wasn’t going to break the bank), little details that nobody but the bride cares about like personalized cocktail napkins and personalized runners and stuff like that.

      I altogether skipped things like favors, photo booths (seriously – not needed), second photographer, etc. You really don’t need half the things that people are going to foist on you. People will remember that you were a relaxed bride who really enjoyed the day, not that you had a signature cocktail served in hand-etched mason jars and off-season flowers on the tables.

      Your wedding really only has to be a complicated or expensive as you want to make it. But I also reject a lot of the DIY mentality. Sure, if you want to go pick wildflowers and put them in repurposed milk jugs, have a blast. But there’s also a happy medium in there where you prioritize some important things, and cut corners on the rest, don’t stress about the details, and just have a nice day.

      Oh, and to answer your question we got away with it for about $17k. Not cheap, but not nearly as expensive as weddings can cost around here.

      1. Former Diet Coke Addict*

        Every time weddings come up, I feel like you and I are wedding kindred spirits! We did so many of the same things. I roundly rejected anything I didn’t care about–we had no favours, photo booths, videos, multiple photographers, and certainly I did not care enough to get a personalized runner or ticky-tacky stuff like that.

        I tend to agree on a lot of the DIY stuff as well. If that’s your bag, go for it. But many women feel pressured into the concept because “that makes it yours” and “personalize it so it’s really meaningful” but like…I didn’t care if my friends and family did the flowers themselves. I get frustrated with a lot of people who say things like “Let your friends and family help!” and “Have a cheap wedding–have your guests do the set-up and tear-down themselves, do your own flowers, have your mother sew your dress, do a potluck, have your talented friends bake the cake and shoot the photos and do the music” because so much of that foists the hard parts of a wedding onto other people AND it presumes that people HAVE family and friends who are willing and able to do all of those things. Yes, my mother could have sewn me a gorgeous dress, and it probably would have been cheaper. But I don’t have any friends who are musicians, or decent/professional photographers, and I didn’t want to force my guests to do work at the wedding, etc.

        There are so many ways to do things that it’s easy to get pressured in various directions. My wedding cost under $10k, for a Sunday-brunch wedding. That included my dress and my husband’s (expensive) new suit, the venue, food, photographer, etc., and it was great.

        1. Katie the Fed*

          Ha, you’re right! We really are kindred spirits!

          The brunch wedding is the greatest thing. The food is better, the wedding is over earlier so if you have guests with kids they can’t come and enjoy (I had childcare on site and kids were free to come and go as they/their parents pleased), you’re not completely zonked when it’s done, and it saves money. So many of our guests were just raving about the idea. THe best was my mother-in-law, who had been trying to convince me that we should do a Saturday night wedding (for 10k more). She ended up telling us how all of her friends loved the concept and it was such a great idea :)

          Agreed on not having your friends do your wedding. They’re guests! If someone offers to do something, that’s different, but I wasn’t going to ask any of my photographer friends to forgo being a guest to do something for free. That’s kind of rude.

          1. Observer*

            I agree – that’s rude.

            I had a friend do makeup for one of my children’s weddings – but I paid her! And, it was early enough that she had the choice to attend as a guest or not.

      2. Treena Kravm*

        We had a very similar wedding–small, all in one place, 3o people. Paid a lot for the venue, and it was a gorgeous garden, so no flowers. I went DIY for all the paper goods, but hired a cheap photographer ($1.2k), did iPod for the music, $300 for my dress, no wedding attendants, etc. We paid around $15k and a typical wedding in wine country is $30-40k, so I think we did pretty damn well.

    3. Clever Name*

      I think my wedding was about $10k, but it was 15 years ago in the Midwest. We got married at my parents church, and the church’s wedding coordinator waived her normal fee as a gift to me. We did a lot of things to keep costs down like having a mid afternoon wedding and a string quartet from the musicians Union at the reception. No dj. My mom is a well-connected person, so we got a lot of discounts. The flowers were absolutely spectacular, and I think we got them at cost. The reception was at the country club my parents belonged too, so the rental fee wasn’t costly. I actually re-wore the dress from my debutante ball. Okay, reading “country club” and “debutante ball” sounds like my family was uber wealthy, but we really weren’t. Those things cost a lot less in smaller markets and in the Midwest. Anyway……

    4. Calla*

      Average in Boston is also around $35k, I believe, and I’m sure plenty of people spend way more. It is just beyond me why you’d fork over that much for a single day. I would definitely do more if I was rich, but I don’t think I could spend as much as some folks do!

      Like Katie the Fed, we are doing a lot to keep costs down for our wedding next month:
      – No pre-parties (wedding shower, bachelorette, etc). I just don’t get them.
      – Small guest list (about 24), only family and closest friends.
      – Venue for both ceremony and reception is a reservable state park.
      – Because of the venue and small guest list, we are doing a picnic reception. Because it’s a picnic reception, we don’t need fancy foods. We will be doing sandwiches and finger foods catered by Whole Foods. We also only need to buy blankets and some throw pillows instead of renting tables, chairs, etc.
      – Also because of the lovely outside venue, we need minimal decorations.
      – The park doesn’t allow alcohol, so bar expenses were cut.
      – Dessert (cupcakes) being gifted by a family member.
      – My dress was gifted by my dad, though it was only $500.
      – Flowers being gifted by a professional my fiancee’s mom knows. Before that offer, our plan was to make our own with flowers from Fiftyflowers or the like, so still inexpensive.
      – Photography being done by a friend who is a professional, we only have to pay her travel/hotel.
      – Hair/Makeup being done by a friend.
      – Rings were custom made by a friend. Not gifted, but we did get perfect handmade rings for a deal because of it. Etsy is a super good option for this.
      – Using a JP instead of a “celebrant” or whatever.
      – No favors, photobooth, etc.
      – Invitations, thank you cards, custom return labels, etc. were all designed and bought on Zazzle. The quality is great and it cost like 1/4 of the other sites like Minted or WeddingPaperDivas.
      – Only one attendant each, and they are given free reign as to what they wear as long as it’s in our color palette.
      – Honeymoon: our registry is a honeymoon registry to help offset the cost, and we are doing it later (likely in the winter) rather than immediately after the wedding.

      I realize we got super lucky with some things being gifted! But before all of that, our budget was still under $10k. Now, we are going to be keeping it under $2500.

    5. the gold digger*

      Upper midwest wedding on a Friday afternoon, immediate family (my brother and sister and my mom and her gentleman caller, Primo’s mom and dad, his half brother, and his two stepdaughters):

      1. Dress, $40 on sale at Macy’s. Red and white sundress that I have worn again.
      2. Wedding fee to church: $400
      3. License and copies, $100
      4. Wedding dinner, $600
      5. Wedding drama from husband’s parents – priceless, because someday, I will publish my novel about them

    6. BRR*

      We spent around $6k in the mid-atlantic region.

      -42 guests, we would have invited more but the $6k is what we had to spend and determined everything.
      -Ceremony and lunch reception at a restaurant that is closed for lunch on the weekends. This was our biggest money saver as it only cost $45 per person for appetizers, soup, main course, and dessert (didn’t upgrade to a cake). Also the alcohol was charged per consumption. It was a light drinking crowd plus having it during the day versus at night made people drink less I think.
      -No decorations, an advantage of having it at a restaurant.
      -Friend officiated, this was nice as a we got her a small gift but cheaper than hiring some officiants. Plus it was nice having somebody close to us be a part of this intimate moment versus a stranger.
      -Got an up and coming photographer, much cheaper than the names that came up on google. She had done a couple weddings and other events but is building her portfolio.
      -We both wore suits we already had, just purchased new shoes and a matching tie and bowtie. I do wish we could have bought new suits but not in the budget.
      -We had everybody over after at our apt complex’s clubhouse and catered with Wegmans.

    7. Kyrielle*

      I have no idea what’s typical out here. I had a very small wedding with just immediate family (to avoid either a 300-person wedding or hurt feelings, because of how our families are structured age-and-relationship-wise), and I don’t think the whole thing broke $5k.

      Color me strange, but I don’t regret that. A big fancy to-do of a wedding isn’t even my idea of fun – just a massive stress-bucket experience. I _do_ regret not being able to invite about 10 more people than we did, but realistically, that would have started the “300 or hurt feelings” wagon rolling, and just no.

    8. Dang*

      Every time I read about wedding expenditures I get dizzy. I’m sure your sisters wedding was beautiful and glad it went off without a hitch… But wow!!

    9. ThursdaysGeek*

      We spent less than $100, and tomorrow will be our 30th anniversary. The only costs were the license, stamps and paper for the invites, and paying my brother, the preacher. Everything else was borrowed or a gift or free.

  64. Wee*

    Does anyone have suggetions for face moisturizer? I’ve always had combination skin but in the last few years my skin has become dryer. I’ve tried Clinique and a couple drug store brands. They seem ok when I first put them on but by the end of the work day the skin under my eyes is really dry and my face feels tight. I’d love some recommendations.

    1. Former Diet Coke Addict*

      Have you tried Aveeno? I really love their Positively Radiant moisturizer with SPF. My skin tends to the dry side, and I stick to very gently cleansers (Cetaphil) and Aveeno moisturizer and occasional BB cream.

      1. Sunflower*

        Second Aveeno products. Also Cerave products are great. i love the PM overnight mostireuzing lotion

      2. Windchime*

        I second the Aveeno Positively Radiant. I also use the daily scrub; it’s very gentle. Normally I buy it at Target but I got a good deal recently at Costco; two moisturizers and a scrub for some ridiculously cheap price (under $20).

      3. skyline*

        Another vote for Aveeno Positively Radiant moisturizer. Once I left my bottle at my sister’s apartment after a visit, and later she also told me how much she liked it. I also use their SPF 30 sunscreen for the rest of my body.

        …I used to use their bodywash as well, but now I get the cheaper Target knockoff.

    2. Combo Face*

      I have eczema and combination skin, so I often get dry, flaky patches. I’ve found that the best moisturizer is plain jojoba oil. Use about a dime-size amount. I prefer to only use it at night (I use Trader Joe’s face lotion with SPF in the morning) because I do lean more towards combination skin, but I imagine you could use it morning and night.

    3. Calla*

      I’m a little biased, but I LOVE Lush moisturizers. They are so moisturizing and softening.

      No matter what brand you use, I would check ingredients. Surprisingly, A LOT of moisturizers have alcohol in them, which is counter-productive!

      2. Fifer*

        I second this. I’m prone to rosacea and dermatitis but have had been pretty much clear of these – and I’ve tried a lot of expensive brands- since using Lush dream cream (advertised as a body lotion) as my facial moisturiser,

      3. Rene UK*

        I love Lush too! I’m very sensitive, but Imperialis keeps my skin soft without breaking me out.

    4. Trixie*

      I’m revisiting Oil of Olay Regenerist cream, a bargain when on sale on Costco. I’ve also tried samples of Egyptian Magic cream at Whole Foods which I like but may be too oily for my skin. Diet wise, maybe add some sardines/tuna/salmon to your diet, or avocado on toast?

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I just use Olay during the day–the kind with the sunscreen, and I’ve switched to Pond’s at night. My mother told me that’s what her aunt uses, and she has got lovely soft skin for being in her nineties.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          It just says Pond’s Dry Skin Cream, and it has a blue lid. That’s what they had at Walmart, so that’s what I bought. It’s not expensive, which was a big factor.

    6. Observer*

      A couple of thoughts.. Firstly, make sure that you are getting enough to drink. A lot of people don’t.

      Also, if your space is very dry, see if you can get a humidifier. If not, you may need to moisturize more often even if you are using a good moisturizer.

      Lastly many brands (like clinique) will have more than one line and / or different “levels” in a line. Make sure you are getting the right one for your skin.

    7. anonymous daisy*

      Try going to the website beautipedia(d0t)com to see the different moisturizers and their ratings. A good moisturizer for someone with dry skin will be different for someone with normal skin.

    8. ThursdaysGeek*

      Great Scott Skin Creme. No-one has ever heard of it, it’s out of some little place in southern Idaho, and it’s wonderful. I order it online, and use it for face, hands, lips, heels, any place that is dry or damaged. Chapped, cracked lips are healed overnight, and will then stay good for up to a week or two.

  65. Jessica (the celt)*

    I’m still thinking about this from the other day, but did Jamie post her research/recommendations on steam cleaners? We’re moving soon, and I have a feeling the steam cleaner will be SUPER helpful to get the apartment clean. (If I missed it somewhere, can someone point me there? I checked the thread where it was brought up, but I didn’t see it there.)

    Thanks! :)

    1. Trixie*

      I think you’re looking for the May 5 posting, My Boss is Constantly… Search for “steam cleaner.”

      1. Jessica (the celt)*

        No, I did check there, but I didn’t see Jamie’s final results. She links to one she used to have there, and fposte asked if she or Alison would post it on the open thread, but I’m impatient. :)

        Thanks, though!

  66. Nervous student*

    Has anyone here been accepted to graduate school with a low GPA and high GRE score?

    I had some issues in college. Really an understatement. A few years later, I’m better, and hoping I can get past it.

    1. Sophia*

      I got in to a top 50 business school with a 2.9 GPA and 690 GMAT (87%). I think I did a good job of explaining why in my essays and made sure to show that I was on the straight and narrow now, knew what I was going to do with my business degree, and was really interested in going to that particular school. (My 2.9 was a combination of a 3.6 in my major and many failing grades outside of my major… I don’t know if that helped.)

      I did apply to a couple top 15 schools – was wait listed at one and rejected from another. I have the feeling if I had been able to do a bit better on my GMAT, I may have been able to get in.

      1. Sophia*

        Oh one note – a lot of my poor performance was caused by external factors but I did struggle with ADHD and depression in undergad. I am doing much better in business school (3.7) because I know how important it is and I’m working my butt off. However, no matter how hard I try I still contend with the ADHD and depression every single day. (I thought maybe I had gotten over them but sadly not.) The difference is that I don’t let those 2 things get in the way of reaching my goals now. :)

    2. BRR*

      I got into grad school (not great ones) with low gpa and programs that didn’t require any tests. I started on probation at one where I need a certain GPA the first semester. But for me grad school was easier in that I focused on subjects I liked versus doing terrible in classes that were required.

    3. danr*

      Yep. This was years ago though. One of my professors in grad school was on the admissions committee and explained that for them a good GRE score could make the difference in admitting a student, but a poor score would not push a student out. The most important part of the application was the essay. The committee was interested in people who wanted to do interesting things with the degree. Years later I found a copy of my essay and I still felt the same way about the ideas that I wrote about.

    4. fposte*

      As people note, it’s certainly possible. What degree are you thinking about, and where are you hoping it will take you?

    5. Dang*

      depends on the program. I knew a gew people in graduate school who were accepted as non degree for the first semester and then matriculated based on their performance in the second semester.

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      If you’re applying to schools of ed, low GPAs and GRE scores aren’t a problem (sad, but true).

      1. Job-Hunt Newbie*

        Seconding this; I was accepted conditionally into my program because I was a tenth of a point under the GPA requirement (I hated my undergrad program, so unfortunately being unmotivated at times and playing catchup didn’t get me close enough). I did well on the verbal/written portion, but absolutely bombed the math portion. My conditions required me to maintain a certain GPA for my first two classes, and after that, I would be fully matriculated in, and held to the standards of all grad students in my program.

        Graduating from my education program this year, and had absolutely no issues with getting admitted and finishing the program, as long as I met the requirements to stay in it. If you have any concerns, bring it up with the department you are looking to enter, and see if conditional acceptance is on the table for your program, and if so, what you can do to make that happen.

        1. Job-Hunt Newbie*

          Holy run on sentence at the end, Batman. I assure you all, I generally write better than that!

  67. Sophia*

    http://www.cnbc.com/id/102655588

    Ugh just saw this article and I think it’s kind of misleading. If someone doesn’t read carefully they may think it’s totally okay to put parent stuff on their resume. (See the comments!) If I were a hiring manager I would think someone was really out of touch to have “parental achievements” on their resume and probably event their cover letter. Who writes this stuff?

  68. Ruffingit*

    I posted something similar awhile back, but I constantly thing of things to add so here’s another shot at this for anyone who wants to participate:

    What are some societal rules we really need to have? We’ve got the basics down like don’t kill people, don’t steal and all that, but what are some of the other things that would be helpful if people would just do them?

    1. Ruffingit*

      I’ll start. People need to learn to listen to others. Really listen. So many negative things would be avoided if someone would just listen fully and completely. Listen to understand, not to respond.

      Also, if someone is an adult and they tell you about a situation in their life, it is not your job to solve the problem (unless specifically asked) or to judge the person’s way of dealing with it. Sometimes people just want to vent or get some sympathy. You don’t have to agree with someone to sympathize with the difficulty of a situation.

    2. Jean*

      On the high moral level, I’d say try not to be mean, or snarky, or say unkind things about others or oneself. I work with someone who told me that meanness–even if it’s just self-deprecation–tends to expand and contaminate beyond its original target.

      On a lower moral level:
      – Can people please not share their strong perfume, fragrant personal grooming products, or scented anything else? I’m not (yet) allergic, but after watching a close relative develop mid-life asthma I’ve decided that the right to breathe freely should take priority over the right to express one’s olfactory identity.
      – Ditto for tobacco smokers.

      And finally…in the almost-but-not-quite-kidding department:
      – Could all motorists please use their turn signals?

      1. Jean*

        Egads, my anti-scent pronouncements sound awfully ferocious. I don’t mean offense. I’m just tired of watching person #1 gasp for breath because the Big Bad Perfume Industry (vast olfactory conspiracy?) is so good at persuading the general public that Everything. Must. Smell. “Good!”

        The newest idea is having scented stores and event venues. Um, no. Just no.
        Okay, rant over.

    3. Trixie*

      Be kind to everyone and don’t judge. Listen more, interrupt less. Be more patient. Take control of your life’s stresses when you can whether its accepting triggers as they are (family, job you can’t walk away from, etc.), or cutting loose what you don’t need.

      Take more care while driving, whether its slowing down or allowing others to pass/merge, etc. When you think of these inattentive or angry drivers behind the wheel, it really unnerves me.

        1. Dang*

          Good call.

          I have an ex who used to give them the finger. Always a fantastic idea. I hope she’s still alive.

  69. Dang*

    Any suggestions for things to do in Memphis (or Little Rock), aside from Graceland? I’m going to a wedding in Arkansas soon and going to make a little side trip on my own while I’m there since I’ve never been down south!

    1. the gold digger*

      YES!!!!

      Sun Studio is amazing. It is where Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash first recorded. The Civil Rights museum is excellent. The Stax Museum is excellent. The Cotton Museum is interesting.

      There are so many good places to eat – Central BBQ in Midtown,The Cupboard for meat and three. (In eight years, I never once ate at the Rendezvous – it always struck me as a tourist trap.)

      Beale Street is – hmm – full of drunk college kids. But that doesn’t mean you can’t hear some good music there. Just ignore the vomit.

      If you have time to get to Clarksdale, that’s where The Crossroads are.

      1. Dang*

        Thank you!!! I know next to nothing about the city so it’s great to have your input!!!

        1. StudentAffairsProfessional*

          Late to the party, but if you like Pottery Barn/Williams Sonoma, they have a factory outlet for both of them there – I have bought some great items there, the prices aren’t dirt-cheap but really good considering the quality. I also love Uncle Lou’s for hot chicken – I heard about it on Food Network’s “The Best Thing I Ever Ate” show, and boy did it live up to the recommendation. They make great fried chicken to begin with and then toss it in this sweet and spicy sauce. My sister and I still talk about that chicken.

  70. Dang*

    My good friends spouse (also a good friend by association..) is having a party for their masters graduation (education). What do you think is an appropriate gift? I’m thinking I’ll just do cash but it seems silly (and frankly makes me a bit salty, I didn’t make a big deal for months about my masters graduation) to give $100, but less than that seems cheap. Suck it up, right?

    1. Elkay*

      I wouldn’t give an adult cash for their masters. I’d probably go for the same sort of thing I’d get an adult friend celebrating a birthday, alcohol probably.

      1. Dang*

        Yeah, I’m thinking a nice bottle of booze might be good. I mean, it’s a mid 30s adult, not a 21 year old new grad. So maybe I’ll scratch the cash and do that instead. Thanks!

    2. Katie the Fed*

      Restaurant gift certificate might be nice so they can go out and celebrate.

      1. Dang*

        Omg, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. So many good ideas! Now I don’t have to feel weird about giving cash!

    3. Mimmy*

      When I graduated with my MSW, I got a portfolio and a professional bag for such things as the portfolio or other folders.

      1. Mimmy*

        Oh…I also received a little case for business cards – my friend had it done with personalized engraving.

    4. anonima in tejas*

      we have a family member who is graduating with her masters, and we decided to get her a gift certificate to get her dipolma framed. she’s a mom of 4, and we wanted to get her something to celebrate her.

  71. Dynamic Beige*

    Anyone have any ideas on how to deal with sweat? I am not someone who works out or runs, I’m in not very good shape. The one thing I do is work at my house, I have a few trees that need to be cut up, a bunch of landscaping etc. I was having a weird health problem for a long time and now that seems to have cleared up, or at least I’m feeling better and there’s a lot that I let slide because I just didn’t have the energy. But, now I sweat a lot when I’m working and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t work in the hot sun in the middle of the day, I take frequent breaks, I keep drinking water. It’s hard to work when the sweat is dripping. It’s like I need a set of moisture wicking work pants and long sleeved shirt, plus a terry cloth bandana. This isn’t an aesthetic thing, I’m by myself, it’s more that I would like to keep working without having to change my clothes every couple of hours, which is the only thing I think I can do at this point, unless there’s another/better solution — sadly hiring someone to do all this is out of the cards.

    1. fposte*

      Are you talking about winter or summer-ish? In winter you definitely want stuff that’ll wick the moisture away from you, but in summer I just have gross clothes for yard work that get sweated up. Can you clarify the functional problem–is the drippage so much that you have difficulty holding onto tools, or something like that?

      1. Dynamic Beige*

        It’s more that it gets in my eyes. I don’t wear a hat — I usually work outside from 4pm until dark and it’s very shady here. By that time, the sun is down behind the trees. I have to be careful about sun because: Vitiligo. I also usually have on eye protection and earmuffs if I’m on the tractor or using the chainsaw and I haven’t found a hat that works with that (that isn’t a baseball cap). I wear sturdy all leather work gloves, so no problem with tools slipping.

        I guess I’ll have to try a headband, I hadn’t thought about tennis players. There’s bound to be something at a local sporting goods store, I’ll just have to get a half dozen ;) Thanks!

        1. LCL*

          Try a buff. It is a microfiber tube shaped cloth that can be used as a headband, neckband, etc. They seem overpriced until the first time you use it. I have seen them in two different lengths, if dimensions are given get the larger one.

    2. danr*

      If the sweat is making tools slippery, tuck a piece of old bath towel under your belt to wipe your hands on. Sweat is the way your body controls heat while you’re working, so it’s good. Just wipe away as needed. Some other tricks to stay cool and to cool off…
      Drink plain, cold water a sip at a time. Soak your hat (you *are* wearing a hat, right?) in cold water and let the evaporation cool you off. When you come in to rest, hold your hands up to the wrists in cold water for a few minutes. Wash off your face and dry in and your head. Start over again with cold water to drink slowly, a wet hat and a dry towel for the next round.
      And, most important… stop and rest when you feel tired. Pushing for that extra few minutes or so is when you get hurt. I’ve slowly learned this lesson.

    3. Lulubell*

      You might try an Endura Cool towel. They are marketed for tennis players and when wet, stay cool for hours and lowers body temp. When dry, it’s just a soft microfiber towel. The coolness is activated by some technology (sorry, I am not very scientific) so it’s more than just putting a wet towel on your face! Mission Athleticare is the company that makes them and some other cooling caps, towels, hoodies, etc. I don’t work for them – just have one for tennis!

    4. Clever Name*

      It’s hard to say how much sweat you’re talking, but understand that you are a human, and every human sweats when they do strenuous things. A hat or sweat band helps keep sweat out of your eyes. Work gloves help you keep your grip. Your shirt will get soaked. The waistband of your pants will too.

      You’ve got the right idea with staying hydrated. I won’t go so far as to say that sweating feels good, but showering when you’re sweaty after doing yard work sure feels great. :)

  72. Treena Kravm*

    Does anyone do yoga at home? I don’t have any studios around me that I particularly like, and I want to find a video or something that I can do from home.

    1. fposte*

      Yup. Love it. That’s a field where individual tastes vary as much as skill and fitness levels, so I’ll just throw out some suggestions for instructors to look further into. I like the following:

      Sara Ivanhoe
      Rodney Yee
      Eoin Finn
      Zyrka Landwijt
      Shiva Rea

      In theory, I like DVDs that offer options of shorter or longer versions (Eoin Finn, Zyrka Landwijt, and Shiva Rea are particularly inclined toward this) , but often I just keep doing the same practice over and over anyway. I like the reviews at Videofitness–if you look at Amazon reviews you’ll start to notice some of the Videofitness reviewers posting there about DVDs.

      1. fposte*

        I revealed my old-school ways there on the DVDs thing, but I think some of them are available streaming as well.

        1. Dang*

          I love that shiva rea video with the yoga matrix!!! Might have to dust that one off!

    2. Trixie*

      Some great yoga channels on Youtube with both shorter and longer segments. If I had to pick one I’d actually pay for, I’d select Ekhart Yoga just because I love the simple direction. There’s also Yoga with Adrienne and Bad Yogis.

      1. Trixie*

        I’ve also tried Grokker and MyYogaWorks whether i’m looking for shorter or longer routine.

    3. LisaLee*

      I definitely prefer doing yoga at home. I use Youtube (my favorites right now are SarahBethYoga and Tara Stiles. Stiles’s books are also very good) and DVDs from the Gaiam company. If you can find Gaiam’s beginner yoga kit, that’s a really good starting point. It’s about $35 and comes with a mat, block, strap, and a beginner’s routine on DVD.

      There’s a lot of different styles of yoga, so you might want to do some googling and see which one sounds best for you. The two most popular are Hatha (slower, more emphasis on individual poses) and Vinyasa (faster, more of a flowing routine than individual poses).

      1. nep*

        Yes — Tara Stiles. Good stuff. She has a way of demystifying it all. (Eg have fun with handstands…)

      2. Treena Kravm*

        Oh I already know I’m a Hatha person. But I’d be willing to try some Iyengar because I’ve heard it’s good for your neck and back, which do act up on me from time to time.

    4. nep*

      Home yogi here. Wouldn’t want to live without it.
      Ekhart yoga — yes! Esther is fantastic. Kino MacGregor is as well — she’s got some terrific instructional videos on YouTube. The other commenter reminds me I’ve got a Rodney Yee vid I’ve not checked out in a long time — I like his approach.
      Yogajournal.com offers some great stuff, including pose index and detailed instructions on poses. Kathryn Budig often on that site. She. Is. Amazing.

      1. Jillociraptor*

        Thanks for your question, Treena Kravm, and to everyone for your answers!! This was helpful to me too :)

    6. JessH*

      Yogaglo is great- it’s like the netflix of yoga. They have tons of videos, anywhere from 5 minutes to over an hour, and the styles encompass hatha, vinyasa, yin, meditation and more. You can filter by style, level, teacher, body part or focus, so it’s easier to find something for whatever mood you’re in! Kathryn Budig, Seane Corn, Jason Crandell and Taylor Harkness are a few of my faves.

  73. jen*

    I was wondering if someone could give me some advice on where to live. I’m between NYC and Jacksonville, FL.

    I’m from Long Island, NY. The past year I’ve lived on Colorado and I made plans to return to NY in the next few weeks to live with my parents. My plans need to change though because my parents (who thought it would take months to sell their house) sold their home unexpectedly fast and they’re now moving to Florida. So I can either move with them or find some place to stay in NYC or Long Island.

    I have some friends and family in New York but I think I’d miss being away from my parents. At the same time, I miss being away from my friends and I feel like a jerk coming back and leaving right away. Living in New York is very expensive and I don’t have a stable career. (I’m 22.) Also, if I live in NY, I’d probably have to give my dog to my parents because most apartments don’t allow pets.

    1. Dang*

      I personally think if you aren’t completely on board with living in NYC, you might not want to do it. It requires a lot of sacrifices and considerable expenses for someone who is on the fence. I’m in the suburbs and I’ve gone back and forth about moving into the city, and in the end I’ve decided that I don’t have some burning desire to live there, at least not enough to give up the conveniences I’m accustomed to (driving, nature stuff, etc). It just… Seems like a somewhat not great place to live if you’re not pumped about living there.

      plus if you’re worried about being away from your parents, it seems like it might be a good idea to go to Florida, regroup, and figure out a plan from there. The great thing about all of this is that if you don’t like where you are or find a job somewhere else, you’re young and mobile. Fixing your geography is pretty easy, all things considered.

      Good luck!

    2. Job-Hunt Newbie*

      Not that my vote matters entirely, since it’s up to you…but I vote for Florida!

      Given the cost of NYC and that you currently don’t have stability in your career, a lot can go wrong very quickly in regards to finances. Moving to Florida with yourr family and having some time with them before you make a big change on your own doesn’t seem to bad! It will give you time to regroup, time to job hunt, and you can relocate back up to NY/NYC should the opportunity arise.

      If you are able to stay with family, and you think it’s something you would feel happy doing, living with family sounds like a good option too while you explore careers. But Florida is pretty awesome this time of year, and getting to have some extra time with your parents is always fantastic!

    3. Treena Kravm*

      In general, I’m with the others in voting for Florida. But I’m trying to figure out where you are in your career. What do you mean by not having a “stable career”? Do you have a degree? Are you still figuring out a major/where to go to school? Do you know what you want to do, but you don’t have a job in that field? If you know your field, think about if location matters. Plenty don’t, but I wouldn’t want to recommend Florida if your plan is to work in finance. If NYC does end up being the location you need to be in to jump-start your career, then I’d go there. Otherwise, Florida. Read out in the sun, figure out what you want to do!

  74. MaryinTexas*

    I know it’s late, but I’m hoping you all can give me some suggestions. My sister has been staying with me since March, getting treated for cancer. I live in Houston, with MD Anderson in my backyard. So I’m grateful that she can stay with me while she’s being treated. It’s a rare form of cancer, stage 3. The problem for me is that she’s still crying on a daily basis, and it’s starting to wear on me. She has a young daughter who is living 1000 miles away with her father (my sister’s husband) while she’s getting treated here, and I know she misses her deeply. I don’t want to come off as insensitive, but the crying is driving me crazy. Instead of being grateful that she has the best medical care in the world, she’s still doom and gloom. I go with her for her treatments and she says “I hate this place” while I’m thinking, “thank God for this place.” She won’t get involved with a support group, which I know would help. Maybe she will one day, but she hasn’t yet and I know my nagging her to join one won’t make her do it. I’m just starting to get very frustrated with her crying and I just want to shake her and tell her to stop being a wimp and fight this. Has anyone gone through this? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

    1. Job-Hunt Newbie*

      I personally haven’t gone through this, but I work with a lot of difficult situations like this in my current position. Absolutely, nagging people gets you no where, and it can make them more defensive and unlikely to take your suggestions. I can see from her perspective that this entire situation is probably overwhelming, and her diagnosis is a tough pill to swallow. It’s probably not easy for her to see the positives right now, when she’s facing something as big as this.

      How I approach these conversations in my position is like this:
      – Talk to the person about the issue at hand. Make it a very unaccusatory/light conversation about the topic we’re discussing. Have them talk about how they felt during the problem, and what caused them to feel that way. Ask questions based on what they tell me, but always reframe my clarifying questions based on the information they provided me, and making my questions open-ended to continue the conversation.
      – See what resources they’re utilizing now. What works with them? What doesn’t? What would they like to utilize?
      – What support do they have in place? What can they do to reach out to the people who can help them who aren’t as close?
      – Have stuff on hand to send them up to somewhere else; I generally have basic counseling information on hand, and also resources suggestions for the area available.

      For her, really sitting down with her, letting her cry it out, and vent about this whole process will be huge. The crying is a response to her stress, and probably one of the few forms of relief she has. Being able to hear her side can probably assist you in coping with her crying, because you’ll know exactly why this is a daily occurance. Focusing on what she has now (this cancer center, you, her family) can help her regroup, and realize there are people up to bat for her. And, reiterating that there are support groups with people who are still here, and who have fought this same battle can let her know that all hope isn’t lost, and there are people willing to help her through this. Maybe suggesting that you’ll reach out to some groups, and see about having someone come to talk to her could be on the table as well. Guiding her in the conversation towards focusing on her resources, while still giving her the power and control over the conversation may help you make some ground. Using the framework I posted above has helped me navigate difficult conversations much easier, and help guide people to where they need to go.

      And remember; take time for you too! You need a break as well, because you are carrying this alongside her. Make sure you take time for yourself, or a personl time out when you feel yourself getting stretched too thin. You can see about bringing in others to help bring her to appointments, or to help with care if you feel it is too overwhelming to handle on your own.

      I wish you and your sister good luck, and I hope her treatment is successful! She is so lucky to have you there for her during this time.

    2. Elizabeth*

      Job-Hunt Newbie has great advice. Also, if she’s missing her daughter, is there a way to set up regular contact with her? Skype and Facetime are both good ways to connect with kids, especially when they may be too young to really talk on the phone. And kids usually love cameras and taking videos, so they love the video-conferencing, in my experience.

    3. Pennalynn Lott*

      What about a support group for *you*? Being able to be with a group of people who completely “get it” when you say, “My sister won’t stop crying and it’s driving me nuts,” would be helpful, I’d think. Not to mention that they’d probably have tons of tips to help you cope. Does MD Anderson have a “Caregiver’s Support Group”?

    4. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU*

      I’m sorry. But I’m also a bit annoyed at your post. My niece has been fighting a rare brain cancer. She was 3 when diagnosed. She didn’t get to say she hates this place. But she became increasing terrified if we even headed in the direction of the hospital. Her social anxiety went through the roof. She was afraid all the time because of the constant pokes, and from never feeling better and never having a break and from her body shutting down on her while we injected her with poison and burned her skin with radiation (she literally turned a different shade all over her upper body *she had to get complete radiation of head and spine every single day for 6 weeks, and then peeled like a sunburn after a while) and do you know what happened? After fighting her tail off and not being a “wimp” about it because she was getting the best treatment…. she was brain damaged during some course of treatment or because of some infection or because of long term side effects of radiation… right after she was done with her last round of intense chemo, thinking we were finally done, she lost her ability to walk, talk, sit up, eat, play, etc. Now she has contractures, seizures, high spasticity and can’t tell us what hurts (and shes always in pain).

      You’ve seen how horrible chemo is. Your sister has stage 3 of a rare cancer and you’re asking her to stop being a “wimp” when she might not survive this. I’m sorry but this isn’t about you and while you are human and get annoyed… Imagine what she is thinking about every day… she’s away from her child during the hardest fight of her life, that she might not win. She is thinking constantly of all the time she is missing with her baby and all the time she might never get.

      Not only is that emotionally hard and terrifying, but the chemo is poison and one of the worst things a person will ever experience. And if she’s getting radiation too??

      I’m actually preparing to relocate to Arizona because my dad now has to begin treatment for cancer as well. I’m heartbroken again and it’s not about ME, ever. No matter how annoying it might get, I will never for one second make any of what they are going through about me.

      You are coming off as insensitive. Even though you are there to help, you still can’t/ aren’t really putting yourself in her shoes. How easy it is to be optimistic when you aren’t the one facing your mortality so unexpectedly and so painfully.

      Maybe, if funds are tight, set up a youcaring or gofundme and see if people wont donate to a special fund to cover airfare to bring her baby to see her sometimes… I hope you understand her mental and emotional health is SO VERY IMPORTANT to keeping her strong enough to fight. Please, please stop making this about you.

      And as another commenter said, perhaps seek out a support group for caregivers. They exist. You can vent there.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have to mention here that there is such a thing as burn out for care givers. I have taken care of four parents and one husband and I am burned out. It happens because we are human.

        OP, it is very hard to work like 15 people and remain a happy/chipper person. You are working like 15 people to get through this. She’s exhausted, you’re exhausted. This is not a good mix. Can you get another set of hands to come help? Can you get rides for her? Can you get a person to sit with her at night so you can sleep?

        Although you cannot control her choices, you can control your own. Such as you can say, “Sis, I need help here so this is what we are going to do…”
        Our traditional med system is very labor intensive for families. I lost 17 pounds in the months my husband was sick. He had 66 appointments in 13 weeks. I have no clue how he got through that, I struggled and I was the well person.

        You might want to mention the crying to the doctor. My aunt told her doctor on her own and the doctor changed her meds so she cried a lot less. Maybe this would help your sis, too. And the doctor can talk to her about counseling also. I was lucky because my husband agreed to go to a bible study group and that made him very happy, so I did not push on counseling.

        In short I don’t think you are making this all about you. It’s fairly common for the care giver to end up sick and hospitalized while try to take care of a patient/family member. This is a common occurrence, and reality is that the doctors all know it! They know that you will probably get sick yourself, trying to take care of your person. You have to take care of you. This may entail calling in family or others to help you.

        I hope you have been able to continue reading here. And I hope you see this.

      2. Sophia*

        Wow! That just seemed so uncalled for and I disagree! I know you are probably deeply hurting right now with what is happening with your dad…but to be honest, you are the one coming off as insensitive. I feel so badly for this woman who is trying to be so strong for her sister. Yes, yes it is about her. It’s her life too and she has the right to it just as much as anyone else. By the reasoning you offered, none of us should be happy because people are suffering all over the world. That isn’t what life is about.

        Nothing she has done has shown her to be unduly selfish. She has opened up her home and is working hard as a caregiver. It is 100% fare that she may be reaching the end of her abilities both physically and emotionally. You are really impressive with your giving spirit – but not everyone has the same capabilities before they just can’t go on.

        In addition, where she is coming from sounds like more than just worries for herself. It is very worrisome when a loved one doesn’t have the will to fight. It sounds like she wants the best for her sister. I’m glad that the other comments are so supportive because this is what this commentor AND her sister need right now. Not someone wearing this caregiver even further down with judgement and guilt.

      3. Victoria, Please*

        Hey, THIS is one kind support community for the writer, my friend. She hasn’t said this stuff to her sister. She’s saying it here. And…so are you. That’s what we’re here for.

        I like that thing that came out a couple of years ago, kvetch out and comfort in. She’s comforting in and kvetching out. You do that too, okay? And, God bless your dad as well as her sister.

    5. Clever Name*

      Wow. This must be so hard for you. And for your sister. Do they offer mental health services at the treatment center? Your sister is facing the chance that she might die and leave her husband and child behind. I’m sure the treatment she is receiving, while potentially lifesaving, is extraordinarily brutal. See if there are resources for you, the caregiver, at the treatment center. Realize that you may be having trouble with her diagnosis as well. Everyone shows it differently. Also, cancer fucking sucks.

    6. Observer*

      Get some support for yourself.

      And, as wearing as it is, stop being so judgmental. Yes, it’s wearing n you (that’s why you need support.) And, yes, she’s getting top notch medical care. But, that medical care comes at a HUGE cost, especially as she’s separated from her husband and young child, which makes all of the other stuff worse.

      I’ll be very blunt. Anyone who gets up and spends months a thousand miles away from their spouse and young child while undergoing chemo and / or radiation, is NOT a ‘wimp” and they ARE absolutely “fighting” their disease.

  75. AvonLady Barksdale*

    My flight home tonight was cancelled. Mechanical problems. I spent the weekend with my grandparents, which was great but draining. By the time the flight was cancelled, I was at the airport, and it’s too much a pain to go to their place and back. Delta paid for my hotel room, and it’s nice, but… oy. I miss my boyfriend and my doggy and I need to be at work tomorrow.

    This is made slightly worse by the fact that this is the second time in three months that I have travelled for the weekend and gotten stuck. Presidents’ Day, I got stuck in a snowstorm on the way home. My work probably thinks I’m lying or cursed. Sigh.

    1. Treena Kravm*

      Yuck…Most of the time I get an email “alerting” me to the delay. I would just forward that along with the message saying you’re delayed.

  76. Periodista*

    Suggestions for two Russia-bound girls?
    We’re heading to Moscow (from the UK) to visit a friend. Lenin’s tomb is a must, but beyond that I know next to nothing about what to do there. As well as historical stuff, we’d quite like to do some activity-based things. And some drinking, obviously.

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