{ 1,403 comments… read them below }

      1. A*

        All three books are fun! I’m hoping to see the movie next weekend when it opens here in Hong Kong.

          1. Snarky Librarian*

            China Rich Girlfriend and Rich People Problems. Such a great series! Librarian recommended :)

      3. Marion Ravenwood*

        I just ordered the book for my holiday and am far too excited to read it! The film isn’t out in the UK yet (it comes out here next month), but I’m definitely going to see it when it does.

    10. Valancy Snaith*

      I loved the books and am super psyched to see it in the theatres! I hope they’ve stuck as closely as possible to the book, but I get the impression it’s been very carefully written and translated to film, so I have very high hopes.

      1. CRA*

        Finished reading it last week and saw it today – it was VERY different. Loved them both but I was caught up in all the differences.

    11. Bluebell*

      Really looking forward to it but is there anything they do to give you the amazing info from the footnotes? That was one of my favorite parts of the books.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        No footnotes in the movie… it’s rather fast-paced and fun, but not terribly deep.

    14. ssshh*

      Can any of you who have seen the movie comment on how appropriate (or not) it may be for a 11 year old boy? I’ve read and enjoyed all 3 books and don’t remember there being anything inappropriate but also not sure he would enjoy it. Thanks!

    15. BRR*

      I saw it last night and loved it. I can’t remember the last rom com I saw that I enjoyed this much. I can’t get enough Constance Wu.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      She is very brave to have white rugs with multiple cats in the house! I have multiple cats and basically there’s nothing black/brown or white because I’d be cleaning cat hair forever.

      1. Marzipan*

        I painted my floor grey just to hide the cat hairs. (Tabby/white cat so I get a bit of everything.)

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yeah I have a mix of cat colors (tortie, black, black/white, orange stripes, all white, and gray/white, oh and an orange Persian) so I’m quite thankful for the cheap, neutral berber-type carpeting the previous owners installed. I can scrub the hell out of it and it survives, or a quick vacuum and the whole house looks like I spent days cleaning. But I get by with cheap couch covers and never wearing all black. Or white.

        2. Glowcat*

          I used to have a gray floor in my bathroom. Now, in my new house, it’s white…. and I just realized how much *I* shed.

        3. Gatomon*

          I bought a brown couch to match my brown tabby! Unfortunately his undercoat is white so those hairs still show up. :(

          1. Marion Ravenwood*

            I’m owned by two mini panthers, and I can confirm the black cat hair still shows up on black clothes…

      2. Tessa Karlov*

        I hate the vacuum as much as, if not more than, my pets, so everything in my space is similarly pet hair camouflage.

      3. Ali G*

        My husband had a white not-quite shag, but definitely shag-like carpet in his bedroom when we started dating. It did not last long after the dog and I moved in. My dog’s favorite thing to do when he woke up in the morning was to rub his face all over the carpet. It was like the dog version of washing your face in the morning.

      4. A username for this site*

        I’m impressed at how clean that bathroom is! Even right after scrubbing it, it’s not clean enough to be on the internet with my name attached.

  3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Most ridiculous misheard song lyrics!

    A game show played the song “Together Forever” by Rick Astley recently. My mind was blown when I learned that the actual lyrics to the song are, “And don’t you know I would move heaven and earth / To be together forever with you.” I always heard it as “And don’t you know I would be ever a nerd / To be together forever with you.” (His lyrics make much more sense, but I liked mine better!)

    Billy Joel, “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” — I always heard the lyric in the middle part of the song as “Brenda Rinetti,” not “Brenda and Eddie.” It makes SO much more sense with two people! (And don’t even get me started on “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”)

    “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” by the Eurythmics — When I was little, I always heard one of the song lines as “Everybody’s looking for Bufferin” and I drove my siblings CRAZY singing it that way. (It’s “Everybody’s looking for something”)

    Also when I was little, that Kenny Loggins-Stevie Nicks duet was “Whenever I Call You Fran.” The real lyric (“Whenever I Call You Friend”) makes so much more sense.

    Speaking of Stevie Nicks, I still hear “Stand Back” as “Stan Beck.” I even changed the song name in my iTunes.

    And finally, there’s the Golden Girls theme song. For so many years I heard one of the lines as, “Your heart is true / You’re a bed and a comforter.” Of course, it’s “You’re a pal and a confidante,” and I got ribbed mercilessly by friends when I revealed this.

    I’ll stop now. What are YOUR favorite misheard lyrics?

    1. Lady Jay*

      Hahahaha! When I was a kid, I always heard the lyrics of “Feliz Navidad” as “Release Mommy Dodd.” I thought for sure that it was a song about somebody who wanted his mother released from prison in time to celebrate Christmas with everybody else.

      FWIW (you may know this) the actual name for these is “Mondegreen:” There is apparently a song where the lyrics are “laid him on the green,” which are easily misheard as “Lady Mondegreen,” hence the name.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I LOVE your interpretation of Feliz Navidad. That is absolutely hysterical.

    2. PB*

      For years, my husband thought that Van Halen’s “Panama” was called “Cannonball.” I honestly like it that way better.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I also like “Cannonball”! Some others have heard it as “Padded Bra,” which would make sense given that it’s Van Halen.

    3. Tess McGill*

      A friend in high school misheard the Police lyrics “spirits in the material world” as “I dropped my eye in my cereal bowl”. I never understood how he made that leap but I still laugh about it 30 years later.

    4. Glowcat*

      I remember during a holiday with my friends a couple of years ago, we would misspell the lyrics of a popular song on purpose, to tease two of the girls who were obsessed with it (and try to survive hearing it all day long…). Unfortunately, the song is in Spanish and we mispelled it in Italian, so I can’t write what we were singing.

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      I thought Joe Jackson’s “Steppin’ Out” was “Stamp It Out.”

      Also, not a song lyric, but I didn’t know what any of the words in the pledge of allegiance were, so I thought “Witchit stands” was a thing.

      1. Somebody*

        One of the little kids in the neighborhood used to say “I pray jolly giants” instead of “I pledge allegiance”

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I also heard “Witchit Stands” when I was in grade school. Glad I’m not the only one… and I always wondered what the heck that meant.

        While we’re on the theme of patriotic songs, and we’re probably both going to be put on a watch-list somewhere for saying this, I always thought the lyric in “God Bless America” was “Stand beside her, and guide her, through the night with the light from a bulb.”

        1. Free now (and forever)*

          Okay. Laughing out loud at the thought of Kate Smith belting out “God Bless America” with those lyrics. Why didn’t Irving Berlin think of that?

      3. LJay*

        That reminds me of something I read somewhere on the internet (maybe hyperbole and a half? Maybe a comment here or on Reddit?)

        They thought the words in the Star Spangled Banner was “Donzerlee light” instead of “Dawn’s early light”.

    6. Lcsa99*

      Ha I have two favorites. Wham! “Bad Boys” I keep thinking it sounds like “Good Guys they play foosball” but it’s actually “they made rules for fools, so get wise.”

      And Steely Dan “Reeling in the Years” I always sang it as “are you gathering up the cheese? Have you had enough wine?” When it should be “Are you gatherin’ up the tears? Have you had enough of mine?”… I guess in my version they are finishing up a picnic?

      I like both my versions much better :)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Your interpretation of Steely Dan is making me wish I were at a winery. Instead, I’m at the place we can’t mention on weekends, and I can sure use some of that wine.

      2. CM*

        Speaking of Wham! I have one from George Michael — when he sings in Careless Whisper about “the wasted chance that I’ve been given,” I thought it was “the wasted checks that I’ve been givin'” and that he had betrayed the person he loved by writing bad checks to her.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Since I’m a huge Def Leppard fan…

      Fractured Love: “Iron fist in a velvet glove” I heard as “I pissed in a velvet glove.” (Apparently I’m not alone in this!)
      Foolin’: “The flame has died and the fire has gone” I heard as “two ladies died and the fire is gone.”

    8. Violaine*

      Massive Attack, “Teardrop” – “feathers on my breath” instead of “fearless on my breath”. Yeah, I dunno.

      I did mishear one around my daughter, who started watching the My Little Pony cartoon reboot as a teenager. There’s a song that the ponies sing when all their jobs are jumbled up (at least, that’s my understanding of it), and one of the ponies sang about fixing a “busted water chute” but I heard it as “I cannot fix this b*stard water chute!” I gave a raised eyebrow. Kid laughed so hard, and she now refuses to sing it any other way.

      Prince, “Raspberry Beret”. This is a common one. I swore he was singing “she wore a red, spherical ring”. You know, the kind you find in a secondhand store. Clearly.

      I’m sure if I think about it, I’ve got loads of misheard lyrics. My personal favorite was always “kiss this guy” instead of “kiss the sky”, a la Hendrix.

      1. Turtlewings*

        I maintain that it IS “feathers on my breath” — you know, like in cold weather your breath plumes? That makes a crap ton more sense to me. What is “fearless on my breath” supposed to mean.

    9. matcha123*

      I always heard “you make me feel like a natural woman” as “you make me feel like a man, you’re a woman.”
      Until I learned the correct lyrics, I really didn’t get what they meant.

    10. MamaCat*

      My son, then 2, would sing Rolf Harris’s “Tie me Kangaroo Down, Sport” as “Tiny Kangeroo Down, Foot!” I still sing it that way to my husband. :D

    11. London Calling*

      In 1968 a reggae group called Desmond Dekker and the Aces released a single called The Israelites – about the captivity in Babylon (no, I have no idea why anyone thought that was a hip ‘n groovy theme for a pop song, but oddly enough, it wasn’t the only record based on that story.) The chorus was ‘Poor me, the Israelite,’ which was pretty universally misheard as ‘Poor me, me ears are alight.’

      1. Iain C*

        By The River Of Babylon *was* a hip groovy song on the same topic. It even paused for a prayer part way through.

    12. Becky*

      One of my misheard lyrics as a kid is apparently a classic mondegreen: from “Bad Moon Rising” –“There’s a bathroom on the right” instead of “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I honestly thought it was “There’s a bathroom on the right” until I was about 33 years old. No kidding.

      3. Temperance*

        I once saw a shitty cover band actually use that line. It was at a beer festival, and yeah, I started a chant of other people booing the band. No regrets, though.

        I may or may not have started yelling “no one disrespects CCR in Philly!”

      4. WS*

        I couldn’t work out why I’d never heard that (so many people had) but then I realised that in my accent “bad” and “bath” have different vowel sounds!

      5. Iain C*

        This is the band that rhymed Turning with Boiling. Or should I say “toining”…
        I told my Mrs about Bathroom on the Right, and now she can’t unhear it. I also took a long time to know the “right” lyrics.

      6. PhyllisB*

        There was a book on mis-understood song lyrics and two I remember where There’s a Bathroom on the Right” (CCR) and “Excuse Me While I Kiss this Guy” (Jimi Hendrix.)

    13. Mimmy*

      Here’s one my husband pointed out that I think is funny

      Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean”
      -Correct lyric: The kid is not my son
      -Misheard lyric: The chair is not my son

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        New Kids on the Block (remember them?) which dates me and the superbly 90s (I just found it on Youtube) Call it what you want Baby.

        Call it what you want Darling.
        Which I always thought was Call it what you want Amen

        I can still hear my friends laughing.

      3. Kat*

        I can’t not hear chair, but only the first time he says it per chorus. I tend to point it out to everyone I hear the song with and now most of my friends can’t not hear it too!

    14. WellRed*

      I can’t be the only one who wondered why Manfred Mann was singing about douche in Blinded by the Light.

        1. Swordspoint*

          I know the correct lyrics but I CANNOT train my brain/ears to hear it any other way.

          Also: my daughter, when she was very little, used to sing the line of Canada’s national anthem that goes “in all thy sons command” as “and all the suns come out”. I was a little sad when she learned the correct lyrics.

          (And now that would never have happened, because they’ve changed it to the gender-neutral “in all of us command”.)

      3. The Automotive Expert*

        When I saw this topic brought up, I figured that there was a good chance that this song would come up. Prepare to be enlightened.

        In the original Bruce Springsteen version of the song the actual lyric is, “Cut loose like a deuce, another runner in the night.” In Manfred Mann’s version the lyric is, “Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.”

        “Deuce,” of course, is a slang term that refers to the number, “two.” In this case it more specifically refers to a 1932 Ford, which is known as a “Deuce,” in hot-rodding circles. The same reference to a 1932 Ford is made in the Beach Boys’ song, “Little Deuce Coupe.”

        I could bore you all with the historical significance of the 1932 Ford. The condensed version is that it was the first lower-priced car available for sale with a V-8 engine. In standard form, it had performance that was comparable to its main rival, the 6-cylinder Chevrolet. Unlike the Chevy, though, Ford’s V-8 engine could be fairly easily tuned and hot-rodded to increase its performance.

        Aside from the availability of the V-8 engine, the 1932 Ford was only slightly revised from the 1931 Ford Model A. (A 4-cylinder version of the 1932 Ford was sold as the “Model B.”) In 1933, the Ford was heavily redesigned and became longer, lower and wider, as well as heavier. The 1932 model is preferred by hot rodders because of its smaller size and lower weight which give it performance edge when compared to the later models.

        1. AdAgencyChick*

          I’ve been wondering how you wrap up a douche all these years. Obviously I knew that was wrong, but never bothered to look up the real lyrics. Thanks for the explanation!

    15. Julia*

      A friend once got me to loudly sing REM’s Losing My Religion in the mondegreen version with her in the middle of Berlin. It went, “let’s pee in the corner, let’s pee on the spot”, and we laughed our butts off the entire time.

      1. Ginger Sheep*

        So my ex isn’t the only one? He also sang “that was just a tree, just a tree” at the end!
        Another of his Mondegreens was “I can see clearly now the reggae storm” by Jimmy Cliff. (I suggested, in jest, that the song was actually about a lady blocking the view at a concert leaving her place : “I can see clearly now Lorraine is gone”!)

        1. Julia*

          Ooooh, “that was just a tree” makes the peeing much better. Although maybe in Paris, people wouldn’t be too amused right now…

    16. nd*

      Elton John’s “Benny and the Jets”: The real lyric is “… she’s got electric boots …” As a small kid in the 70s I always heard it as “… she’s got electric boobs …”

      1. Cindy B*

        Billy Joel’s “You May be Right” has the lyrics “You may be right, I may be crazy, But it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for, Turn out the light…” That last sentence has always sounded so wrong that I forget that I haven’t made it up when I sing it.
        But I end it with “‘Cause I’m too lazy” and then add, “And while you’re at it, could you please shut the door?”
        I usually sing this when someone is saying goodnight to me. Unless it happens to be on the radio.

      2. Ginger Sheep*

        You mean it’s NOT electrics boobs?? I’m quite disappointed. At least I’ll go to bed smarter tonight.

    17. Cruciatus*

      The first one I can think of is also Rick Astley. It wasn’t until I saw the actual name of the song I realized I had been singing it wrong for…forever. I thought he was saying “Then I’m gonna give you up, then I’m gonna let you down, then I’m gonna run around and desert you.” I thought it was a revenge song! Then I saw it written–I don’t even remember where (Napster?) and saw the title “Never Gonna Give You Up”. Oh.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        That also made me laugh out loud, and I’m working at the reference desk in a very quiet public library room right now. I LOVE the idea of that as a break-up song.

    18. Lore*

      One of my friends though the chorus in Journey’s “Open Arms” was “I come to you with velvet arms” and she always thought it was super romantic that he wore a velvet shirt for his lady

    19. ArtsNerd*

      Before i was born, but my sister famously asked my dad to play the “ants song.” Y’know:
      “The ants are my friends; they’re blowin’ in the wind.” That Bob Dylan song about friendly, airborne ants.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’m never going to hear that song the same way again! That is awesome.

    20. Aardvark*

      Not a lyric mis-hearing, but somehow my Bach’s Coffee Cantata aria neurons got mixed in with those for a local boat show jingle that was constantly on the radio when I was a kid. I can’t hear the aria (“Coffee! Coffee! Co-oo-oo-oo-oo-off-eee”) without completing it with boat show lyrics (“whatever you need to float your boat is there for you and me”).

    21. LemonLyman*

      When I was a kid my dad would listen to a cassette of Kenny Rogers. In the song “Lucille,” he sings, You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille, with four hungry children and a crop in the field.” But I would hear it as, “…with four hundred children and a crop in the field.”

      I was young and didn’t think about how it made no sense. Then one day I thought about it and realized how silly it was.

    22. LuJessMin*

      “Come Sail Away” by Styx. I used to think the line was “A gathering of mainsails appeared above my head”. It makes much more sense when it’s “A gathering of ANGELS”!

      1. Ginger Sheep*

        Half the population of France is convinced that the song “Sail away, sail away” by Enya (apparently?) il a Christmas song saying “C’est Noël, c’est Noël”. I’ve given up trying to correct people.

      2. Earthwalker*

        Wow. This is the first time I heard that it wasn’t gathering of angels. Here and I’d imagined them something like St Elmo’s fire on a mast.

    23. GermanGirl*

      I have two in the same song. It’s Another Brick In The Wall by Pink Floyd.
      I always heard “we don’t need no tough control” when really it was “we don’t need no thought control”.

      And then there’s the children’s choir singing “all in all it’s just an”-other brick in the wall, which is how I first understood this.

      But as a native German speaker you can also hear “hol ihn hol ihn unters Dach”-other brick in the wall. And now I can’t un-hear it.

      The translation of the German part of the verse is “fetch him fetch him to the attic” and there are quite a few urban legends about this mishearable part.

      Now slightly creepy story ahead:

      One urban legend is that there was a German sound technician involved in the mixing of the children’s choir part, who had been abused in the attic by one of his boarding school teachers, and after he mixed this verse in he went and took his life in the attic of the sound studio.

      Now the most creepy part of this is that it was our creepy 7th grade music teacher who introduced us to this urban legend.

    24. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

      I was an adult when this song came out, so I knew it wasn’t correct, but for years, my brain just would not stop hearing “Like a virgin, you’re Madonna” in Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” as “Like a bird in your vagina.”

      Yup.

    25. Woodswoman*

      I love reading about people’s experiences of misheard lyrics, which cracks me up every time. There’s a whole website of these that is hilarious–Kiss This Guy, named for the misheard version of the Jimi Hendrix line “kiss the sky.”

    26. Merci Dee*

      I’m dying laughing at these.

      I can’t remember any in particular that I misheard, but I know that listening to Sirius XM’s 80s on 8 has cleared up a =lot= of song lyrics that I either misunderstood or just didn’t remember from my childhood. And has also made me wonder how in the world my parents let me walk around the house at 5, 6, 7 years old and actually sing some of the songs that were on the radio at the time. Goodness gracious!

    27. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

      From Everclear- “They have never been poor, they have never known the joy of a welfare Christmas,” my sister heard “they have never known the joy of a one beer Christmas” which amuses me greatly.

    28. ECHM*

      Fake: Won’t you take me to Hockeytown
      Real: Won’t you take me to Funkytown

      Fake: [can’t understand] to the post office / the post-doc
      Real: Keep on with the force don’t stop

      Fake: In the Garden of Eden
      Real: In-a-gadda-da-vida

      I know I had another one but I can’t think of the song right now.

    29. Enya*

      I have loved Toto’s “Africa” since it first came out. I must have listened to it thousands of times over the years. I always thought the line was “Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like a lepress above the Serengeti.” So I was SHOCKED when a few months ago I found out that is it’s “rises like OLYMPUS”, not “a lepress”! In fact, a female leopard is a “leopardess”! A “lepress” is a female with leprosy!! I still can’t get over this. And I still hear “a lepress”!!

      1. Cruciatus*

        This reminds me — there is a meme that goes around on Facebook every so often with the lyric “miss the rains down in Africa” (I forget what it’s even about) and when I mention in the post that it’s actually “bless the rains” people are like “Whaaaaat!?” This has happened a couple of times now and each time a few people are surprised to discover they’ve been singing it wrong this whole time-so there’s a whole lot to mishear with this song! I know I misheard the Serengeti part but I can’t remember what I used to think they were saying instead. I suppose that’s a blessing.

        1. Merci Dee*

          Oh, that song was one of the ones I had to look up! For a while, I thought the words were, “rises like Mount Everest above the Serengeti.” Which still at least makes some sense, I suppose. I have to be conscious about the Olympus part when I’m singing along in the car.

        2. Greyjoyous*

          I used to think one of the lines was “there’s nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do” so most parts of this song are unclear to some people!

          1. Femme D'Afrique*

            I never liked that song, but the “hundred men on Mars” line has made me ridiculously happy. Thank you!

          2. Isotopes*

            I also believed this (hundred men on Mars) and I forget how old I was when I was singing in the car and my Dad looked over at me and just started laughing. He still talks about it, and says he laughs whenever he hears that song and thinks of how I misheard it.

      3. Sack of Benevolent Trash Marsupials*

        I totally also heard ‘lepress’ and thought ‘female leopard.’ I also thought the lyric was “I guess it rains, down in Africa.” I only recently (this year! I am 50!) realized that lepress could not possibly be leopardess and that I might conceivably have those lyrics wrong. I realize this is so late no one will ever see it, but this is so validating I just have to share into the void.

    30. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      When I was a kid, I got “her head of golden hair” wrong as “her Patagonian hair” in an old Irish love song.

    31. who'sawake?metoo*

      For the longest time when I was younger I thought that the band Five for Fighting were singing “I’m only a man with forty red sheep.” Since there are other lyrics about flying I had a whole mental image of this guy raising his herd of forty red sheep up on a big cloud.

      Turns out they’re saying “I’m only a man in a funny red sheet” as in… a cape, because the song is called “Superman”. Oops.

      My husband likes to dance according to the lyrics of songs. He was dancing to “Edge of Seventeen” by flapping one arm and kind of going around in circles. What was he doing? “Being the one-winged dove!” (It’s white-winged dove.)

      1. acmx*

        To quote Parentheticaly above, I was today years old before I knew the words are white winged dove.

    32. Jemima Bond*

      My mum loves to mess with lyrics and as a child I didn’t always appreciate this. So I was in my late teens when I realised that the opening line of Abba’s Super Trouper is, “I was sick and tired of everything/when I called you last night from Glasgow” and not “when I called you last night from Tesco”.
      Tesco being a standard British supermarket, so it would have been like “when I called you last night from Walmart”. Never thought to wonder why a Swedish band would be name checking an English supermarket.

    33. FD*

      There’s a church song my parents’ church often use which has the line “Blessed are the persecuted // in their holy lives”; one of my sisters famously thought it was “Blessed are the percolated“.

    34. Gladys Ylvisaker*

      The Monkees song Sometime in the Morning has this line: “You’ll see the beauty there, you’ll know it was always there, and you’ll need no longer wear a disguise”. Back in college, I convinced a friend that the last part was “and you’ll need no underwear for tonight!”

    35. Amy Farrah Fowler*

      Personal favorite wasn’t my own mishearing, but a friend in middle school who would always sing Chumbawumbas tubthumping as “I get knocked down by an elephant” instead of “I get knocked down, but I get up again”. I still sing it the wrong way if I hear it in my car because it makes me laugh.

    37. The Other Dawn*

      This isn’t misheard lyrics, but rather my husband (before I met him) and his friends making up lyrics.

      Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself.” Rather than singing the correct lyrics: “If I had the chance I’d ask the world to dance, And I’ll be dancin’ with myself,” he sings (even after 30+ years!): “If I had the chance I’d pull down my pants, And I’ll be playing with myself.” He does it anytime I play the song and it drives me nuts.

    38. Femme D'Afrique*

      Totally outing myself here (because all my friends know this) but when I was a child the version of “Away in a manger” we sang had a line, “Bless all the dear children in thy tender care.” I heard it as “Bless all the dear children in Thytenderkare,” which I had convinced myself was a place in India. I figured if they were being mentioned in a hymn then they must have been in dire need of prayer. I prayed feverishly for the children of Thytenderkare for YEARS.

      My niece – aged about 5 – loved Lauryn Hill’s “(Doo wop) That thing” song. Instead of singing, “Girls you know you better watch out/ Some guys, some guys are only about/That thing, that thing, that thing” she would belt out, “Some guys, some guys are only about/ Nothing, nothing, nothing.” I never corrected her. It sounded about right… ;)

      1. I'd Rather not Say*

        Back in the 80’s at a Peter Gabriel concert, the 2 young women behind us were were singing at the top of their lungs, oblivious to the line in the chorus of Games Without Frontiers that was in French (jeux sans frontieres)

        1. CM*

          I had friends who would swear up and down that the lyrics were “She’s so funky, yeah” instead of “jeux sans frontieres.” And they would sign their version very loudly.

    40. Earthwalker*

      Madonna, Isla Bonita: “Last night I dreamed of some bagels. Nazareth, Love Hurts: “Love Earth. Love stars. Love moon and Mars.”

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        YES!! That’s always the way I sung “La Isla Bonita”! Once I even went into a bagel store when I was little and the bagel store staff went crazy when that song came on.

    41. the gold digger*

      I like the line in one of the Ramona and Beezus books where Ramona is so proud of learning a new word and wants to show off. It’s getting dark so she tells her dad to turn on the daunzerly.

      “The what?” he asks.

      “The daunzerly!” she answers.

      “What is a daunzerly?”

      Ramona points to the lamp. “The DAUNZERLY! You know – ‘Oh say can we see by the daunzerley’s light!'”

      1. MindoverMoneyChick*

        Ok, just to be pedantic Ramona actually thought it was a ”daunzer” that gave a “lee light”as opposed to a daunzerly. I read that book way too many times as a kid :)

          1. CM*

            I felt so bad for Ramona in that one! I could see myself doing the same thing so easily.

            There was also the time that she was told to leave for school at a quarter past 7. She was ready right at 7:00 but patiently waited until 7:25 before leaving for school, and then sat on a bench outside all morning because she couldn’t find her class who had already gone inside.

      2. LJay*

        That’s where it’s from! I remembered this and posted about it above, but couldn’t properly attribute it in my mind.

    42. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I want to thank everyone for giving me some REALLY good laughs, especially yesterday when I was at work and needed it.

      I realized I forgot one:

      “Caribbean Queen” by Billy Ocean — That song came out when I was in first grade, and the teacher who taught in the classroom next door was named Mrs. Green. I always heard the lyric as “Caribou Queen/Now we’re sharing Mrs. Green” instead of “Caribbean Queen/Now we’re sharing the SAME DREAM.” When I was little I didn’t know HOW the heck the guy on the radio in Caribou, Maine knew Mrs. Green in New York. Now my interpretation just seems… dirty.

      1. sing it loud and proud*

        “Big old Jed had a light on…don’t carry me too far away!” – obviously a song about a creepy old man carrying a lantern in the dark, and a meddling kid thrown over his shoulder (from my 1970’s young, Scooby Doo-influenced imagination)…Big Old Jet Airliner, Steve Miller Band…my kids even sang it that way.

    43. Harvey P. Carr*

      I’ve got some! Quite a few, actually…

      Song: “The Age Of Aquarius” by the 5th Dimension

      Actual lyrics (with the line I misinterpreted underlined):
      Harmony and understanding
      Sympathy and trust abounding
      No more falsehoods or derisions
      Golden living dreams of visions
      Mystic crystal revelation
      And the mind’s true liberation
      Aquarius! Aquarius!

      What I thought they were singing:
      And the mice through liveration

      I had no idea what that meant, but it must have had something to do with mice eating liver.

      Two for the price of one: from Billy Joel’s “Big Shot”…

      The actual lyrics:
      And they were all impressed with your Halston dress, and the people that you knew at Elaine’s
      And the story of your latest success, you kept ’em so entertained

      What I thought he was singing:
      And they were all impressed with your Halston dress, and the people that you knew at the lanes
      And the story of the latest sex, you kept ’em so entertained

      From “Sussudio” by Phil Collins:

      The actual lyrics:
      Now I don’t even know her name, but I think she likes me just the same,

      What I thought he was singing:
      Now I don’t even know her name, but if she asks me just the same,

      From the theme to the “Josie and the Pussycats” cartoon show:

      The actual lyrics:
      Josie and the Pussycats – long tails, and ears for hats

      What I thought they were singing:
      Josie and the Pussycats – long tales, and here’s the hat

      Here’s one from a TV commercial for “Pink Panther Flakes” cereal, circa 1973

      The actual lyrics, according to The Cereal Project at MrBreakfast.com:
      Pink Panther Flakes – are pink – As sweet as you can (inaudible), the color of pink

      What I thought they were singing:
      So pass the flakes – of pink – they’re sweet as you can tell, so pass the pink

      1. Harvey P. Carr*

        Apparently you can’t underline text within an already italicized block of text, because when I had put underline codes before and after “And the mind’s true liberation.”

        I so wish there was a “preview post” option here… and I know I’m not the only one.

    45. Nana*

      There’s a series of books with misheard lyrics. My personal favorite is the old spiritual, “He’s Got the Whole World in His Pants”

    46. Extra Vitamins*

      Billy’s Squire’s early 80s hit “ My Candelabra” (My Kinda Lover). A friend sang it that way once years ago, and now those are they lyrics.

    47. PhyllisB*

      This is not a song lyric, but today I was scanning my junk mail folder because sometimes things go in there I need to see. There was a message with the subject line: Iraq elections. My first quick scan thought it said IraqERECTIONS. I thought, “Great!! Now I’m getting porn form Iraq!!”

      1. PhyllisB*

        *From Iraq. Not only can’t I proofread junk mail, obviously I can’t even proofread my own. I used to be on a school newspaper. My advisor would be so disappointed in me.

    48. Cruciatus*

      I just thought of another one–Sia’s Chandelier. I heard “I wanna swim in the Champs-Elysee, in the Champs-Elysees!” It was weird but I figured poetic license. I mean, is it any weirder than wanting to swing from the chandelier?

      And in the song Alexander Hamilton from the musical, I thought towards the end when they say
      We fought with him
      Me, I died for him
      Me, I trusted him
      Me, I loved him

      I thought the “fought” was, well, “f*cked”. It didn’t fit the tone of the musical but when I first started listening to it I wasn’t sure who was singing what part so I went with it.

    49. tra la la*

      I always heard the Rolling Stones’ “Heartbreaker (Doo Doo Doo…)” as

      Heartbreaker, with your .44
      I wanna show you where to park

      when it’s really “I wanna tear your world apart.” “I wanna show you where to park” always seemed kind of anticlimactic (unless it’s to park IN HELL??)

      Not too many years ago I heard “Every Day Is Like Sunday” for the first time and because I misheard several key lyrics, I imagined an entirely different narrative where the narrator was visiting a beach town post-apocalypse and remembering being there with a partner pre-apocalypse. I like my version better :)

      1. tra la la*

        Also, when I was a kid, my mom asked me what a b-square was, was it some kind of drug slang? I had no idea what she was talking about. She said that there was a song on the radio where a guy was singing, very enthusiastically, “now HIT THE B SQUARE!!!!!!” and she just wondered what the B square was.

        (Of course, it was Huey Lewis’ “Hip to Be Square” but I still have trouble remembering that that’s the actual title. Mom’s was funnier.)

    50. MsCende*

      My brothers, when they were very little, would cheerfully listen to my dad’s surfing music. They especially enjoyed singing along with Jan & Dean – Ride, ride, ride the wild smurf!

      I’m not entirely sure how old they were when they figured out it was surf, but I still can’t hear that one properly.

    51. Alice Ulf*

      Late to this party! Good Charlotte’s “Makeshift Love”:
      What I heard: “If I could get this right / If I could get away from Naomi”
      Correct: “If I could get this right / If I could get away from the old me”

      Me: …who the heck is Naomi

    52. Marion Ravenwood*

      This is one I now can’t un-hear rather than one I originally misheard, but there’s a British comedian called Peter Kay who used to do a gag about misheard lyrics in his set. It involved changing the lyrics of Dancing Queen by ABBA to ‘Dancing queen, feel the meat and the tangerine! Dancing queen, eating Chinese with Mr Bean, oh yeah…’ Now, whenever I hear Dancing Queen I want to sing the Peter Kay made-up lyrics and not the real ones!

      I also heard the line ‘Lynchburg or Bordeaux, France’ in Brad Paisley’s song Alcohol as ‘Lynchburg or Port-au-Prince’ for AGES. I just thought Haiti must have really good rum or something…

    53. Lcsa99*

      Probably way too late for anyone to see this, but I just remembered one I thought was funny. The Ramones “Now I want to sniff some glue, Now I want to have sex with you. All the kids want to sniff some glue, all the kids want have sex with you.” It should be “something to do”….but I guess that would be something to do and I just can’t hear it the right way :)

  4. Dopameanie*

    Controversial Opinion Corner:

    Oversized hoodies with the warm fuzzy lining > warm fuzzy pajama pants

    Both are valuable, one is the MVP

    FIGHT ME!!!

    1. WellRed*

      The hoodie because you gotta be mysterious. However, it is soooo hot and humid for like forever that this northern flower is wilting at the thought of either.

      1. Monty's Mom*

        Agreed! On both. Hoodies forever, and dangit, when is the hot/humid gonna end?! If I wanted that, I’d move south!

    2. The Grammarian*

      I’m pro-giant hoodie with warm fuzzy lining. Add an electric blanket on top and then you’re really cookin’!

    3. Laura H.*

      Hoodie- because it’d fit my petite, shortness!

      If I could find a decent size pj pants, my answer would change.

        1. hermit crab*

          If the hoodie is big enough, it can be both a top and a bottom! It’s harder to do that with pants.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      Fuzzy pyjama onesie with a hood! I put mine on every day after work in the winter. It’s a full-body fuzzy hug.

      (But today it will be +25C here. No fleece here today.)

      1. Mimmy*

        Oooooh I have one of those! Nothing beats putting one of these on on a super-cold day or after shoveling in the snow.

    6. Ranon*

      Agree, because polyester fleece fuzzy pajama pants are sweaty non-breathable garbage. Tougher call if the pajama bottoms are a super soft worn in flannel.

    7. Mimmy*

      Warm fuzzy pajama pants all the way!!!!!

      Though, as I mentioned in a reply to Middle School Teacher, I have a onesie with a hood and detachable feet – the whole nine yards!! I love wearing it when it is especially cold, although I do get hot pretty quickly, lol.

    8. nd*

      I live in an area of southern California that never gets cold (seriously, winter days might drop as low as 70F), so neither.

    9. Canadian Natasha*

      1). PJs all the way because pajamas are just the best.
      2). Since I’m from Saskatchewan I must correct your wording: it’s a Bunnyhug not a Hoodie. ;)

  5. WellRed*

    Yesterday there was a thread about strangest job candidates and somone posted about one in drugs. I had a roommate candidate: drove 4 hours from…somewhere (couldn’t or wouldn’t say where), was late, hemmed and hawed over meeting, so great was her concern about lead. Sweaty, scratchy and spacy. My roommate finally said, “you seem to be having a reaction to something, maybe we have lead.” She agreed and we dodged a bullet. Anyone else have any special roommates or wannabe roommate?

    1. danr*

      I had a roommate in college who became violent on pot. We finally convinced him to stick with beer since it was much safer for him and us.

      1. neverjaunty*

        I will never understand the mentality of people like that. “Oh hey, I become violent when I do X. I think I’ll continue to do X.”

        1. Girl friday*

          Because in some people, the self-medication creates the symptoms. Doesn’t even have to be a substance problem, it’s impossible to fix from the inside. Or your friend got sold a bad batch of something? They have to decide for themselves.

    2. Triplestep*

      As an undergrad in the days before the internet, I was using flyers with pull-off tabs to look for an established house with roommates in place, but I was also considering finding a roommate with whom I could rent an available apartment. I had spoken to a woman about the latter, and arranged a time to meet.

      Later that same day I went back to campus to see if any new flyers had shown up, and encountered this same woman I was supposed to meet later, also perusing the board. We had not met in person yet, but I was sure it was her because of her distinctive voice and slight accent. But there was something else I could not have detected over the phone – her personal hygiene. She looked like she’d been dipped in grease, her long hair completely slicked with it, and yes – there was a smell about her.

      I didn’t let on who I was, but later I called an cancelled our appointment to meet. She immediately half-sobbed “Why does everyone do this? Why can’t I find a roommate?” I felt terrible. If I’d had more courage – and frankly more worldliness – I would have tried to clue her in. Years later a friend of mine who taught a summer program for teachers visiting from overseas started with a lesson about American standards of hygiene, presenting it in a way that focused on how obsessive Americans are with all our products and scents, etc – that WE are the weird ones. These teachers were going to finish the program and then teach in all parts of the US for a year, so it was done to prepare them for that. Having a conversation like this with the sobbing would-be roommate probably would have been a kindness, but I was too young to get it.

      This was over thirty years ago, and I have not forgotten it. I wish I’d have handled this better.

      1. Thursday Next*

        That’s a tough one. It might have been harder on her if you’d met her, then rejected her, so perhaps you didn’t do so badly after all?

      2. Yvette*

        When I was in college, decades ago, I had a friend who went to Switzerland to visit relatives. When she came back she said how all relatives thought she was some kind of clean freak (as in bordering on the territory of some sort of disorder) because she took a shower in the mornings and if she worked out, took one after that, so *gasp*, two in one day!!!!!

        1. GermanGirl*

          Yeah, of course it depends a bit on the people you hang out with but most Germans I know would skip the shower in the morning if they knew they were going to work out and shower later anyway.

          And you don’t even have to shower every day as long as you don’t smell from skipping it. Really, from a German perspective you Americans are obsessed with showering.

          That said, showering every day has become more common in recent decades as American trends arrive over here.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          Yeah, but a lot of Japanese have those amazing genes that mean their armpits don’t stink. (Literally – there’s a single gene that determines whether your armpits have that BO sweat, 98% of caucasians have it, most East Asians don’t).

          1. WS*

            Though most of my Japanese classmates showered at least twice a day – some of them three times – which was a bit of a shock to every-second-day-unless-it’s-really-hot Australian me!

          2. Mad Baggins*

            I’ve seen this floating around the internet. Where are these magical Japanese people, because I am in Japan and everyone around me smells after a hot summer day.

    3. Thursday Next*

      I shared a house with four roommates; all of us were vegetarian or vegan. One of them left for the summer, and sublet her room.

      One day after the sublettor moved in, I opened the freezer to put my ice cream in, and it was filled to capacity with gigantic packages of bacon. Just bacon; no other meat. I was thinking, Girl, summer’s only three months—how’re you going to eat all that bacon?

      Somehow, she did!

        1. Thursday Next*

          My boyfriend and I were able to polish off the pint between us; no need for the freezer after all. ;)

    4. MissGirl*

      I had a guy who answered my roommate ad on behalf of his ex-wife who didn’t speak much English. He also went on about how she could use good influences in her life (I have a non-smoking, non-alcohol home).

      It felt all sorts of controlling. I figured if she wanted to, she could reach out. The tone of the email didn’t me think she’d asked him to contact.

    5. dorothy zbornak*

      Okay so I had a roommate once who was SO TERRIBLE. She picked up a guy in front of a 7-11 at 4am and he ended up staying at our apartment for like three days. Even worse was that it was the middle of the summer and one night our AC went out and she invited me to go with them to her parents’ condo, which I actually did b/c it was so miserably hot I was willing to risk death by psycho to sleep in the comfort of AC. So glad to be rid of her.

      1. Lyman for President*

        This was like my roommate my freshman year of college. She started out pretty normal (we were placed together without knowing each other), but she had some serious self esteem issues that manifested itself in really fucked up behavior with dudes. She picked up two dudes in front of a 7/11 and brought them back to our dorm, and tried to have a threesome with them on the top bunk. She also lied to a dude about getting pregnant, and went so far as to make him take her to Planned Parenthood, made him give her money for an abortion, but made him wait in the car…..she apparently just went in an sat in the waiting room for a while and then went back out. She was never pregnant.

        In the end, she literally disappeared between classes. I went to my 10am class, came back around 3pm and she was gone. Just up and dropped out of school, and moved back home. About six months later, I was meeting up with a mutual friend during an internship over the summer, and they brought her along. It was super awkward.

        I never had a roommate again.

    6. ElspethGC*

      I (currently a uni student) share a house with three other people – one I met via my degree course, the other two were people she shared a flat with in first year who were looking for a fourth housemate. We’re all pretty good, no complaints there.

      One of their housemates last year, on the other hand… Apparently he did everything at about 3am. Vacuum, shower, cook (clattering pots in the process), play the guitar very loudly, and listen to very loud rock music. The latter was generally done alongside the others. Every night, even when he had lectures or tests first thing in the morning, he was doing something at 3-4am. One of my housemates was between him and the bathroom, the other was on the other side of him, and the third was next to the kitchen. They all loathe him with the burning passion of a thousand fiery suns.

      1. BethJacobs*

        Ah, I love how a previous horrible roommate makes you look perfect in comparison. I share my flat with just one flatmate, we’ve been close friends for a while now. And since her previous roommate was a pig, she thinks I’m the cleanest, best behaved person ever (I’m not – I just pick up after myself and know how to use a sponge :D ).

        1. frystavirki*

          My roommate last semester made me, a person with an incredibly messy room normally, look like a clean freak. She’d make food on the stove like a pot of pasta and then just…leave it. For like three days. I was too busy to clean up after her so I just didn’t, but I did move her thawed frozen meat into the fridge if I hadn’t seen her for a few hours and I couldn’t tell how long it’d been there. That was my one concession. She was used to rooming with her sister, I guess? It was still super gross though.

    7. Free Meerkats*

      When I was at Naval Nuclear Prototype training in Idaho Falls, I had one who would eat anything not locked up. That’s when I learned about fridge lockers. He also regularly picked up and brought home women; his type was loud and pregnant. We were in different shifts, so interrupted sleep was the norm.

    8. Gatomon*

      At this time in my life, I was stuck in limbo between college graduation the hopeless dream of a “real” job. So I was part-timing in retail. My awesome roommate was moving back home, and our apartment was a mold hole so I decided to move instead of finding a replacement.

      One of my coworkers was busted for a DUI and had to serve his time, so he needed someone to sublet for 6 months. The price and location were right, and I didn’t have to provide a deposit that I didn’t have. So I said sure, briefly met the roommate (he was going to the local college still) and agreed to live there.

      One of the odd things I noticed when I moved in was that there were two of those U-shaped toilet rugs stacked on top of each other in the one bathroom. I wasn’t sure what the point of that was initially (even if you wanted to rotate why put them both out?), but my purpose there was to use the toilet and get out, so I did. The toilet was always very clean, though it was obvious the shower hadn’t been scrubbed in years. It was gray with mildew. I scrubbed it a few times while I lived there and moved on — if they didn’t care, I didn’t care.

      Well, turns out the roommate had a bit of a drinking problem as well. (He did not have a car though.) Now I can and will sleep through anything, so whatever he did at night drunk didn’t disturb me at all. Sometimes I’d wake up and find his food left out, so I’d put it away. Sometimes I’d wake up and find both of those toilet rugs in the wash mysteriously, toilet freshly cleaned. It finally occurred to me that he was probably going to the bathroom drunk and missing horribly, so the toilet rugs would catch it… then he’d toss them in the washing machine and scrub up the toilet to fix things. D:

      Thankfully about 2 months into this nightmare I finally got a full time job and was able to save up a deposit to move into my own place when my sublet was up. When my old coworker returned he booted the roommate so he could work on staying sober. (Last I heard of him, he was doing much better.)

    9. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      One of my college roommates (in an off-campus apartment) didn’t know you needed to put a stamp on mail in order to send it, a discovery we all made when she volunteered to write the check for some household bill (can’t remember if it was electric or gas or what) and we got hit with a late fee. She also did not understand the principle of cleaning spilled food off of stove burners and caused several small fires. Other roommate’s mom bought us fire extinguishers. I am thankful that this woman was my worst ever roommate.

    10. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

      Oh boy. I was looking for a room to rent, contacted a person and the place sounded good. Nice location, reasonable rent and she said she was an artist and slept in her workplace a lot, so she wouldn’t be in the house very often. Jackpot! We arrange to meet at a nearby cafe to talk and walk over to look at the house. And that’s where things got weird.

      We get there and she realizes that she doesn’t have her house keys. I say I can come back later, no problem. Rather than reschedule, she … breaks a window. So here I am, with this person, a prospective roommate who nonchalantly smashes a pane of glass when she locks herself out of the house.

      And not only that, but she breaks the top pane of glass rather than the bottom pane, so she very awkwardly climbs through broken glass, cuts herself, opens the door for me, we take care of the bleeding, and she gives me a tour of the house. And then she asks me, since I have a car, if I will go to the hardware store and get a replacement pane of glass for her.

      Given that she knows exactly how much a pane of glass costs and the aisle where the glass lives, I am thinking maybe it’s not the first time this has happened? But sure. I get the glass, bring it back, ask her if she needs help, she doesn’t, and I get the heck out of there. And thank my lucky stars that I found out about her tendency to break windows before I moved in with her.

    11. Anonymosity*

      I’ve had terrible luck with roommates. Just terrible. That’s one reason I’m so gung-ho about finding a job that pays enough so I won’t have to. Barring a cool roommate in my freshman dorm with whom I got along well, it’s been like this:

      –First dormmate was too homesick to be at college, period; she cried all the time and was gone in two weeks.

      –Lived with three other girls in a rented house; they wanted to move another friend in and made up a reason to kick me out. (My parents were pissed.)

      –Moved to Delaware and ended up in a house with a random assortment of people who were very into weed. One of them was dealing and the landlord/roommate was a bully who would freak out if you left a dish in the sink for two seconds.

      –Living in a one-room studio in CA with two other people in an apartment strip where we were the only non-Hispanic people (that part was actually cool). My roommates, though nice, were VERY messy and threw their stuff everywhere so you couldn’t even see the floor. We had roaches so incredibly bad, and I don’t know if it was because of their mess or that the landlord didn’t give a shit. I would hang out downtown after work and only go home to sleep. I’m really lucky I didn’t take roaches with me when I moved.

      Also, the motel across the parking lot from us was kind of scary and there were these scary people going in and out who we thought might be drug dealers or pimps, and one night we were sitting out smoking and my friend’s sister flicked a cigarette on this dude’s pristine sports car and it left an ash and we thought we were gonna die.

      –A Vietnam vet who played D&D with his friends (cool) and was one of my best friends. But he also watched so much porn that we’d get our pay-per-view suspended on a regular basis, and eventually stopped paying his share of the rent, so we got kicked out (I could have stayed if I could have afforded the apartment alone or found another roomie, but I couldn’t).

      –The ex I thought I would marry but didn’t. :P

      After that, I gave up, LOL.

    12. Jane of all Trades*

      I’ll play! I have fond memories of most of my roommates, but my first roommate was special for sure. We were in the same high school graduating class in a smallish town and both were planning on moving to a big city after graduation, so we decided to move together.
      She had a hard time adjusting to life in the city, which I don’t blame her for at all, we both were in difficult situations. But – 4 months after we moved in, she apparently decided she couldn’t do it anymore. She waited for the one week she knew I was out of town due to family commitments, and moved all of her stuff out of the apartment, and back to our hometown. I came home late at night, opened the apartment door, and noticed that a bunch of things were missing, and thought that we had been robbed. Then I realized that only her stuff was gone, and that her room was completely empty. Then I found a note she had left on the kitchen table, reimbursing me $2 because she had “eaten my butter”. Open the fridge, come to find she had eaten all of my food before leaving. Never found out why specifically she reimbursed me for the butter, but not the other stuff? As a last hurrah, the window in her room was broken, which I then had to take care of, and she also refused to find somebody to take over her lease. During the entire period from when she left until when I found a new renter, her mother would periodically call me, and yell at me about not getting the window fixed fast enough (I was a 1st year college student. I had no money for that stuff), so that I could find a new roommate.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          It was the classic case of moving in with somebody and them turning into a monster. Somebody on my course was looking for a room and the family I was living with had a spare room to rent. Thinking it would be nice to have a friend in the same boat, I suggested it to them and they agreed.

          Then they moved in and it turned out they enjoyed lots of little petty jokes such as hogging the bathroom in the morning so you would be late for your lecture, changing the TV channel when you were watching it in the kitchen and making comments about your food. They took over the small freezer with all their frozen stuff, making it difficult to squash in one small packet of frozen peas, then complained when the family we lived with made a joke about how many boxes were in the freezer. I suggested offering a slice of apple pie the next time they baked one and got my head bitten off since they were not going to share their food.

        2. Jane of all Trades*

          Yes. She has a history of being rather verbally abusive toward her own children, so it’s not atypical for her. While I feel so bad for the kids, they had a lot to deal with, it made it very difficult for me, because I was also just a 17 year old in a city I didn’t know. Shoulda fixed that stupid window by herself.

    13. Mariella*

      Having to explain to my autistic housemate that it wasnt ok when you had an accident in your pants to then take off your pants and underwear, and walk down 3 flights of stairs with nothing but a t shirt on and into the kitchen to throw away the soiled clothes while i happened to be washing up..

    14. Marion Ravenwood*

      The one who comes to mind is the girl who lived next door to me in university halls who would hoover her room at 6 in the morning.

  6. Glowcat*

    Speaking of cute office supplies: I just bought a sloth notebook :D If the OP of the related question is still reading, she can tell her father that this is a scientist’s notebook!
    As a side note, there were also a lot of llama-themed supplies; how could I not think about AAM?

  7. Violaine*

    I am struggling with being next of kin for an aging grandparent (no siblings, parent is deceased), and living hundreds of miles away, to boot. Grandparent lives alone and is mostly independent but declining. I feel completely lost in the sauce and I don’t know where to go for resources, support, anything. Moving home isn’t an option right now and I’m dealing with a huge amount of guilt over that, too. Does anyone have a good resource to share?

    1. WellRed*

      Others will have more ideas, but can you start with local ( in grandparent area) aging resource organization for guidance?

    2. Triplestep*

      Do you work for a company with an Employee Assistance Program? They often have suggestions for resources for helping elderly relatives. They can help you find organizations in your grandparent’s area.

    3. OperaArt*

      I understand. My 84-year-old mother lives alone on a limited income, and is doing well, but she’s over 1000 miles away.

      Look for local (to your grandparent) and regional resources. If you’re in the US, that could mean city, county, and state. Also, there may be quasi government resources, nonprofits, and religious organizations. Also look for new ones every few months as programs come and go.

      My very proactive mother has benefited from several programs in her home state such as a partial grant to help pay for a walk-in tub, another program to replace her furnace and insulation, a low cost house cleaner who shows up every 2 weeks, a monthly visit from a resource expert who makes sure my mother knows every program out there and how to apply for them…

      My city’s recreation and park district has an extremely active program for seniors to help with legal questions, foot care, navigating Medicare, etc.

      Help is out there.

    4. Washi*

      Does your grandparent have the money to hire a geriatric care manager? A care manager’s job is basically to do the kinds of things you are probably doing, but they are local and are experts on the resources in the area. If your grandparent is lower-income, they may be able to get that kind of help through the local health department or a social service agency for a reduced fee.

      I work in the care management field in Maryland, so if you happen to be in that area, I would have more specific suggestions!

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      Hello Violaine! That’s really tough. And it’s really kind of you to help with it. Have a look at the AARP website – on the main page go to the search tab behind the magnifying glass and enter “caregiver resources”. You’ll get a huge directory of guides & calculators & suggestions. Some of the links require a membership to read, but not all.

      Being a caregiver for a senior (especially from a distance!) can be really hard work. Remember to look after yourself while you are looking after your grandparent. Cheering for you!

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Forgot to add – if you are in the US, also check out eldercare dot gov – it has a zip code lookup for dozens of service providers in various categories. If you’re not in the US, there are still good generic ideas there, just like AARP.

    6. Hannah*

      Seconding finding her local town’s council on the aging, or some similar thing. There are often services available either for free (Staffed by volunteers) or for a fee, if income is high enough. I myself volunteer with one of these organizations, and I can tell you there are ways to get an elderly person help with meals, housework, transportation, and even administration stuff like figuring out bills, taxes, signing up for medical insurance, etc. In my area at least, these services are intertwined, so if a meals person is clued in to the fact that maybe the housework needs some help, they will go and tell the agency and they will try to get that started with the client. So getting your grandparent into just one of these services can lead to help in other areas, if needed either now or down the road.

    7. CAA*

      In addition to the other suggestions for resources, make sure the other people in your grandparent’s life know how to contact you in case they get concerned or there is an emergency. Next time you visit, get in touch with neighbors and friends. If they attend church, leave your info with the pastor. If your grandparent will allow it, reach out to their primary care physician and ask to be notified if there’s a hospitalization or serious decline.

      Also, would your grandparent consider moving to be with you? And is that something you could handle? If not living with you, maybe they’d move to a CCRC near their current location or near you (CCRC is a progressive arrangement where you can start out living independently and get more support as you age while staying in the same community). It’s very hard to accept a physical and mental decline and loss of the ability to live independently, so this may be something that requires multiple conversations over a few years and it might be best to start feeling your way into that now while the situation is not urgent.

      1. Washi*

        Yes, definitely to having many conversations. It’s tough to talk about these things, but it’s much better to do so now before a crisis.

        Some things to think about:
        Becoming the healthcare and/or financial power of attorney for your grandparent
        Putting together a will
        Funeral and burial/cremation preferences
        Getting an advance directive (these days it’s much more than just whether there’s a DNR)
        Agreeing at a point/age when your grandparent would get a driving assessment
        Discussing living arrangements, and how to pay for them

    8. Pieismyreligion*

      Are you in the US? See if there’s a Neighborhood Village group going in your area. They help seniors live independently in their home by organizing volunteers in the neighborhood for help with house maintenance, errands, isolation, etc…

    9. LNLN*

      If your grandparent is in the US, Google their county, state, and Area Agency on Aging. The AAA has staff that can tell you about all the services for seniors in the area (Meals on Wheels, senior transportation, friendly visitor programs, volunteer chore programs, etc.). They sometimes also have geriatric care managers on staff. And connect with caregiver support groups in your area (through the AAA in your county). You are a caregiver for your grandparent, even though you do not live near them. Good luck!

    10. Anono-me*

      In the USA (and I think in lots of other places), the postal service has a official program where if a registered mailbox holder stops picking up the mail, the mail carrier notifies a designated contact and or calls emergency services. Even if your postal service doesn’t have an official program, I recommend offering your phone number to your grandmother’s mail carrier, and asking for a call if something seems off.

      Also, please have a professional evaluate your grandmother’s home for safety and comfort. Lever door handles are much easier than round ones for arthritic hands. Stuff like adding automatic nightlights, and safety railings, along with getting rid of slippery throw rugs can make a big difference.

      (Your grandmother would need to be on board with this. )

    11. Anon Pixie*

      There is also such a thing as Elder Law– basically, a lawyer who checks in on elderly people and pays the bills and handles small scale emergencies and comes to you with reports. I read a recent post about this on reddit, and honestly it sounds like what I will do when my parents get to the point of needing this sort of care.

    12. Violaine*

      I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone that responded here, over the weekend. My husband is in the US Navy and his ship was home this past weekend, so I didn’t make it back to the forums to read the comments. There’s a lot of great advice here that I genuinely appreciate – some of these things I have done recently on my last visit home (contacting people from her church, friends, setting up a phone with large phone numbers/high volume/speed dial), document preparation (will and power of attorney), some I have not. I have a pretty good list to work with here, and I thank you all – I honestly didn’t know about the county resources, to be honest, and I’m learning quite a bit. Thank you all, again. I appreciate it.

  8. That's Not My Job*

    Staying with my parents this week for a family member’s wedding. I got to see my brother for the first time in a long time and hear about his new girlfriend. Yay! And witness my mother ask my brother if his Latina girlfriend’s in a “crime family” after he mentioned they have an aggressive dog. Yay. Anyone else wake up the next day with all the things you should’ve said to combat racism in the moment suddenly crystal clear? Obviously I need more practice.

    1. Augusta Sugarbean*

      In the moment might not be the best time to address it. Maybe talk with your brother first (and his girlfriend if you got to know her well enough). It sounds like she was meeting everyone for the first time and she might not have a wanted a big deal made about it, you know? Obviously I don’t know your mother but I could easily see a conversation going “Mom, that’s not okay to say” then “Why? What’s wrong with it? [Girlfriend], does this bother you?” And then the girlfriend is on the spot to either deny the problem or criticize her boyfriend’s mom and potentially future MIL.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Oh mom.

      How did your brother react to the question? I think it could be beneficial for you to pull mom aside at some point (after the wedding) and say “hey, that really wasn’t cool”.

    3. Girl friday*

      I think it is important to physically react, stand up, sit down, take a step back, etc… Silent protest is best for me.

    5. Nines*

      Yes. I have absolutely thought of all the ways I could have pushed back on subtle and not so subtle racist comments and/or behaviors. It’s a shitty feeling. But I just tried to tell myself that feeling shitty and thinking through what I would have said will help me in being a better ally next time.

      1. CM*

        Yes, absolutely! In this case, it sounds like the girlfriend wasn’t there. Consider this practice. If you think through what you could have said, next time it will help you actually say it.

  9. Distant Friends*

    How do you all stay in touch with long distance friends? I had a few friendships fizzle out after college because people moved away. Recently a married couple friends of mine moved away, but only for a couple years, and they hope to come back to this area. I don’t want to lose touch with them, but I find I’m already having trouble keeping in touch with them since they’re so far away. I’m not so great at casual conversations on the phone, or even through social media. I am better at face-to-face interactions, and that’s how I keep my friendships alive. I think that’s why I have a hard time maintaining long-distance friendships. I don’t want to lose these guys’ friendships, especially since they’ll be moving back in a few years, and I would like things to hopefully return to normal. Any tips on how to stay in touch?

    And yes I do know things can change and I may not be able to have the same friendship with them as I once did, but I would like to do my best to maintain the friendship with this temporary distance between us. I’m hoping to take a trip up to visit them at some point, and they hope to be back in the area for the big holidays, but that still doesn’t feel like enough.

    1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      Snapchat.

      My best friend and I live several hours apart. We’ll send snaps back and forth whenever we think or see something funny that reminds us of the other. We’ll text, too. But being able to see and hear each other helps A LOT.

      1. Handy Nickname*

        I love Snapchat for this, because I tend to text only if I have something to say, whereas I see things that remind me of people or things or places I’d like to share with them all the time. Plus, it doesn’t really require a response – more of ongoing sharing, so there’s not the concern with worrying about texting back or feeling like each other isn’t responsive.

    2. CarefreeRunner*

      >. I’m not so great at casual conversations on the phone, or even through social media. I am better at face-to-face interactions, and that’s how I keep my friendships alive.

      You just need to do it, honestly, there’s no tricks. Long-distance friendships won’t stay very alive if you don’t keep in touch with people via computer or phone. Once you get in the habit, it’s really easy to call people a lot. Talk on the phone while you clean your house, walk, water your garden, while you drive (with safe devices!), etc. Messaging is easily accessible these days, I know friends who do Skype beers, if you’re a gamer sort you could setup gaming together, etc.

      Not to be mean (I mean it!) but I AM good at phone/social media keeping in touch, and it always hurts my feelings (or is at least annoying) when someone says “oh I’m just not good at keeping in touch.” Because to me, that says “I can’t take a few seconds out of my day and talk to you or put in effort, cause I don’t care.” I’m not saying that IS you, but while to you that might seem like a reasonable excuse, to someone else it might seem like you don’t care (and well, to be fair, my friend clearly doesn’t care in other ways).

      But you really can visit people even if you haven’t been keeping in touch too! I’ve got some friends I only see occasionally when I visit, and honestly, it’s fine.

    3. Lady Alys*

      I’m on the other side of that – I’m the one who recently moved. Luckily I’m close enough that visits several times a year are possible, but I sure do miss the day-to-day interactions. Text messages help, and I’m thinking about breaking out my stationery collection and actually *writing letters* now. Facebook does not help – I see what I’m missing and am sad…

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        to expand on that – watching things together on netflix is always nice. you don’t have to maintain a constant conversation and you have something to talk about.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      For me, I hate the phone and in-person is fine, but I prefer text or Facebook, even for friends/family who are close by. The long distance friends I have I generally keep in touch by Facebook or text. Unless you’re going to Skype, Snapchat, email, text or call, I don’t see any other way to keep in touch long distance. I don’t know how far away they are, but I assume it’s not convenient to just drive there every time you want to talk.

    6. matcha123*

      I might be unusual in that probably the majority of my friendships are long-distance ones. It’s been this way since I was in elementary school. Before college, I was admittedly crap at keeping in contact with people.
      Unlike you, using the internet is a lot easier for me. I love meeting in person, but I have friends I’ve met online and didn’t meet in real life until years later.
      Anyways, I find that shooting them a message at least once or twice a month is key. Especially if you didn’t communicate much before separating. Doing video chats are another big thing for some of my friends.
      To be honest, a lot also depends on them, too. I have friends that I can catch up with easily after little to no contact for months. Others, I chat with almost every day.

    7. Lady Kelvin*

      I will admit that I am not great at keeping in touch with my long distance friends, but we use Skype a lot for this. Regular chats are really important to keep the habit, so I have a virtual book club with the 5 other girls I was friends with in college. We meet about every 2 months and spend maybe 15 minutes talking about the book and 2 hours catching up on our lives. Reading the book also isn’t really a requirement. It’s mostly just an excuse to get together.

    8. nd*

      I have a couple of long-distance friends and we’ve maintained our relationships for over 20 years and 13 years. I am not a Facebook person, though the 13-year friend is very active. How we maintain our relationships is through occasional phone calls and, much more fun, traveling somewhere and spending time together! The 20-year friend and I try to do this every year, more often if possible. The 13-year friend and I just started this a little over a year ago. It’s definitely not the same as a friend you can see on a regular basis, but if you make sure to nurture the relationship, it can last and be wonderful.

    9. SparklingStars*

      I have two long distance friends that I consider to be my best friends. Unfortunately I don’t stay in touch with either one of them very well. Part of this is because they are both very busy people and they don’t have much free time for friendships, and part of this is because I’m just not great at keeping in touch with people. However, with both of these friends, on the rare occasions that we do talk or meet up in person, it’s like no time has passed since we last saw each other, and we pick right up where we left off.

      (I’m also not that great at keeping in touch with my friends that live nearby, honestly. I seem to go through phases where my social calendar is pretty full for a few weeks, and then everyone gets busy and I don’t talk to or see any friends for a while until one of us makes an effort to reach out. But like I said, I’m really not great at keeping in touch with others).

    10. Fellow Traveler*

      I have one friend that is far away and we text a lot, and she calls me on her commute. It’s long enough to get the news, but not so long that I feel the itch to get off the phone. Also remembering birthdays and other special anniversaries is nice- a lot of folks get flooded on Facebook for their birthday, so I like to call or send a small present.
      Also, consider- many friendships can endure long distances and reunions. I have friends that I never speak to, but when they are in town, we pick up right where we left off. If they are coming back, you guys might be able to do the same.

    11. Hannah*

      My best friend is a long distance friend. Here are some things that are not just “Call to say hi” things that we do:

      We have “cooking” dates, where we take FaceTime into the kitchen while we each are cooking dinner so we can cook dinner together. This is something we used to like to do together when we were short-distance friends. Similarly, sometimes we will eat breakfast together over FaceTime. (Yes, our friendship is kind of food-themed!)

      We’ll watch our favorite sports team play and text each other about happenings in the game during it.

      We set certain goals together (work out X times per week, accomplish X or Y) and act as accountability for each other in reaching these goals.

      Post ridiculous things on each other’s social media.

      Read a book together and discuss it.

      And of course, we set aside time a couple of times a year to actually see each other in person, either in one of our respective cities or to go on a trip together someplace else.

    12. Panda Bandit*

      Social media is how I keep in contact with friends in Europe. Facebook, Twitter, internet forums. I’m awkward on the phone and I feel like there’s a lot less pressure with social media. I have more time to think up responses and I process stuff visually so it works for me.

  10. Less embarrassed*

    I was in the Friday open thread asking about working from home to get stuff done around the house, and the comments confirmed what I already thought, that there’s basically no way I could ask for this. So I’ll ask here about a non-work solution.

    My husband and I have a child about 1.5 years old. She is EXTREMELY active. She’s go go go all the time. (Multiple daycare workers have remarked on it.) We cannot get anything done around the house. During the week, it’s literally impossible. If I’m lucky in the morning, I can get ready before she wakes up. I get her ready and take her to daycare (it’s near my work). I sit at my desk alone for 8 hours a day, not working a lot of that time. I pick her up and take her home with me. I struggle to do a few essential things like feed the dogs and get her cloth diapers in the wash. And even then, she’s getting into everything while I’m trying to get that stuff done. My husband comes home later, and he’ll take her for a little bit, but he does most of our cooking, so I’m usually watching her while he does that as well. We eat dinner together and put her to bed. By this point, it’s 7:30/8:00. I usually start getting ready for bed around 9 because I am exhausted. On the weekends, we’ll run some errands together and use her naptime (usually a good 2-3 hours) to rush around and get some stuff done around the house without her. This is when we’re able to vacuum, fold laundry, clean the bathroom, etc., though there isn’t always enough time to do all of it. The rest of the time, sometimes one of us will take her, but we do want to actually do stuff together as well, either in the house or out of it. We have family over for dinner most Sundays, but a lot of that is my husband cooking and me chasing my daughter around.

    We moved into our house a year ago and there are a bunch of things I want to do and organize that I haven’t been able to do. There are some things we could do that, if we had the time to do it, would make our lives easier, but we don’t have time to do any of these tasks, just barely enough time to do the basic maintenance ones. I love my daughter very much, but I get depressed and overwhelmed and frustrated that I have no time to get anything done around the house. This doesn’t stress my husband as much as it stresses me. I have depression and social anxiety, and I talk to my therapist about this (among other things), but we haven’t come up with any solutions. How do other people do it?

    1. WellRed*

      Not a parent, although your daughter sounds pretty typical and will (is she getting enough stimulation at daycare?). Can you afford a mother’s helper a few hours a week to wrangle her while you do chores? What chores can wait? Or get done less frequently? Are cloth diapers necessary (no judgment on your choices-i actually applaud this- but they are more work). Or, is there a diaper service in your area? Is having Sunday dinner at your house every work worth it? Also, take heart. tough as it is now, it gets easier. And. Sure you and partner want to do things together but that might not be possible right now. Again, it’s not forever.

      1. Less embarrassed*

        We did look into a diaper service, but you have to have a lot more diapers, because they take them for several days.

        Unfortunately I can’t afford regular help.

      2. Less embarrassed*

        By doing things together, I mean the 3 of us. We never do anything together just the 2 of us.

    2. WG*

      Can you afford to hire help? Someone to come in and clean while you’re at work or a teenager to come play with your child for a bit on the weekend while you can devote time to housework?

      1. Triplestep*

        I was going to suggest the teen as well – my daughter started her baby-sitting “career” playing with the then-toddler next door while his parents DIY’d a renovation on another floor of the house. You don’t have to pay an eleven year-old Mother’s Helper the same as you would a baby sitter!

      2. Thursday Next*

        Echoing the teen mother’s helper. I’ve found it’s also nice for the little ones to have an energetic playmate, not just Tired Mommy.

      3. Less embarrassed*

        We had a friend’s teenage son for a little while, but he was unreliable.

        My husband’s mentioned maybe getting a housekeeper…we could maybe afford it, but Im more worried that I wouldn’t have the house neat enough that a housekeeper could come in and clean.

        1. Ali G*

          Could you have someone come just to clean the important places like the bathroom(s) and kitchen? I’d say those are the most time consuming and easiest to put things away in for the cleaner.
          Do you have friends or neighbors with kids about the same age as your daughter? My sister has a “sitting club” with a few friends – once a month another couple hosts kids at their house so the other parents have kid-free time, date night, or whatever (now that they are older they do sleepovers). Is that an option?

        2. Lyman for President*

          If you go directly to housekeepers (like via Task Rabbit), you can usually find someone who does more than the agencies do. There is no “prep work” with my cleaning lady – she comes in and does everything: picking things up, dishes, gathering up dirty laundry, bathrooms, etc. So, that might be an option for you.

    3. Ranon*

      I have a go go go little one a bit older than yours. My first suggestion would be more childproofing – especially around the key areas that you spend the most time defending or redirecting. Even if it means certain basic chores don’t get done one week, this will more than save you the time in the following week or two. Or hire it out if you can. My second would be adding some gross motor friendly spaces to your interior if you don’t have any- we have a climbing triangle and a climbing friendly couch and they absorb a lot of the energy. My third suggestion is to think of your child as a border collie puppy that needs lots of exercise and stimulation and try to find opportunities to run her hard until she’s really worn out at least once a day. Daycare ought to be doing that the days she’s in care, but on the weekends getting outside first thing can help a bunch- especially if you can make it water play, which really seems to wear them out. The behaviour and getting into things is sooooo much better when our kiddo is getting enough exercise (even if I do joke that we’re not wearing him out, just increasing his endurance)

      1. Ranon*

        Oh- and my kiddo’s actually gotten to be a pretty good little laundry helper! Or at least having him help is less work than supervising separately while I try to do it myself. 18 months is about when they start to really want to help, channeling that can be really good for both of you.

          1. Mallory*

            Mine gets to “fold” dish towels and wash cloths. Keeps her entertained while I do the rest. They do eventually get better- my almost 5 y/o folds all her own clothes, plus towels, DH’s undershirts and boxers, baby’s onesies, pairs socks etc. we have 3 kids, no way am I folding 5 people’s laundry!

      2. WellRed*

        Water play is the best! I also have plenty of friends who had no shame in intentionally running slightly older children around (how many times can you run up that big hill?)

    4. Triplestep*

      I remember these days! We (and some of our friends) used to clean and cook with our kids in baby back-packs – the frame kind you wear on your back like a hiking pack. (Not the front kind for infants). The kids loved it! Is your daughter too big for one of these?

      Also, when you’re not working during your eight hours, can you quietly use that time to do anything that would help your home life? Can you grocery shop at a store that provides pick up service, for example?

      One trade off at home would be to feed and get your daughter to bed while your husband is making dinner for two of you. I think she is still young enough that there are diminishing returns on family dinner together – save that for when she’s a little older and can do more for herself. You’ll be less exhausted and you’ll all get more out of the family time. I think the trade-off will be worth it.

      1. Less embarrassed*

        She’s a bit big for me to carry like that, but generally she just loves running around.

        I do pay bills and stiff when we work. We’ve talked about doing the grocery pick up thing, but it’s not super cheap, and won’t save a ton of time. Might be worth looking into again though.

        We feed her what we eat for dinner, so it would be hard to feed her first.

        1. Triplestep*

          My kids also ate the same food we did. You can save some as leftovers for her to eat the next night.

          I do see the benefit of family dinner, but there is less benefit for an 18 month old than for, say, a three year old who is able to get more out of conversing. If having her eat your previous night’s leftovers while you’re reading to her at the table feels like a terrible sacrifice compared to family dinner, you’re probably not looking at alternatives to the status quo seriously enough to change much.

          1. King Friday XIII*

            My kid is four and we still feed her leftovers when we get home from daycare. She just gets hangry if she doesn’t eat right out and then we all end up eating less well. We talk while she eats, usually one of us sorts mail or tidies a bit and the other starts dinner, but if we need to decompress we can do that without worrying about it.

          2. Parenthetically*

            We absolutely do this and it’s a lifesaver. He gets leftovers from the night before and then we sit down to dinner once he’s in bed (which is VERY early, like 6:30).

      2. LightFixture*

        I second babywearing for getting things done! You don’t necessarily need a frame back pack – there are tons of options for soft structured carriers (SSC) that are made for toddlers. Tula, Kinderpack, and Lenny Lamb are some popular ones. (You can wear them on your front or back).

    5. Photographer*

      It can help to change your standards, which I know is tough for some people. Perhaps you quit cloth diapers and reclaim the time washing, drying, etc. Perhaps you eat more ready-made or frozen meals for a time. Perhaps you park the kid in front of Daniel Tiger to buy yourself 20 minutes of uninterrupted time. This is a phase, but a difficult one. You may have another year and a half before she stops being so into everything and can do an activity like color at the table while you do chores. It’s a lot, but it’s not forever. Please understand that you are not alone but you can reframe how much roll this takes on your life. Best of luck.

      1. matcha123*

        I agree with the cloth diapers. My mom did that for me, and I appreciate that there are a variety of reasons, but if you need more time in the morning/day, that’s one place to start.

      2. Overeducated*

        Yup. My kid was like that. He is now almost 4 and still very much like that, in that he wants to play or be told stories 100% of the time, but it is easier than it was.

        Our strategy was, and is, divide and conquer. One parent doing stuff, the other with kid. Lower standards for organization (not cleanliness, that’s still important), not cooking from scratch or experimenting with new recipes several times a week, and house projects…basically just don’t get done. It’s not perfect but after work and comnuting I value time with my kid more than the house stuff, so I don’t hire help just so i can spend more time sorting and decorating and the like.

        Dunno how it works with 2 kids though. How do you divie and conquer when the kids are doing that to you?

    6. Yvette*

      When my son was that age, I had a section of hallway off the kitchen with no outlets and doorknobs beyond his reach. I closed the doors, put a kiddie gate at the end and essentially had a huge playpen. He could literally run (or what passes for running as a toddler) bounce off the walls and play with large toys (little tykes slide etc.)

      1. Less embarrassed*

        We had a little baby containment area, but she just screamed when she was in there. We tried it for a while. :(

        1. Ranon*

          We put the stuff in the pens instead of the kiddo- it’s been surprisingly effective. Expect for the part where they keep getting taller and can reach things all of the sudden.

          1. King Friday XIII*

            Same, we fenced off the shelves that weren’t safe and just… made most of the living room child safe. She’s not a big chewer so it wasn’t too hard.

        2. Melody Pond*

          This may be an indelicate question (for which I apologize) but… for how long (minutes? hours?) did you let her stand around and scream? I can’t imagine it would go on forever, and I’d have to imagine it would eventually end, and she’d tire herself out. Especially if you kept it up, day after day. Kids can adjust to new routines, right? Just because they might not like it doesn’t mean it’s bad for them.

          I don’t know, I guess my approach would be… that’s fine, you can stand around and scream for a while. I’ve still got other work to do, and your basic needs for physical safety are still met.

          1. Less embarrassed*

            That’s a fair question. I don’t remember exactly, but it was a while. It was in our living room for a few months, but she really never too to it.

          2. LilySparrow*

            If the point is to reduce Mom’s stress, anxiety,
            and depression, this would be counterproductive.

    7. Fulana del tal*

      Play yards/playpens. Put a rug and make sure its far away from anything dangerous. She won’t like it at first but it will allow you to do chores while she is safe.

    8. Call me St. Vincent*

      I”m in the same boat. We had to hire some help. We have a cleaning service every two weeks and we pay someone to mow the lawn also. We’re still crazy all the time (we have a newborn now as well as an almost 3 year old). You just have to unfortunately get as much help as you can afford and ride the wave. I’m a super Type A person and I had to lower some of my standards. I’m still working on that.

    9. Nerdgal*

      Could you take a day of PTO to get a good luck in on your projects? Still take daughter to daycare?

      1. Less embarrassed*

        Yes, and I need to do it again. I’ve done it twice…once she got sick and had to stay home, so I got nothing done. *Sigh*

    10. Sarah*

      This is my life, except he’s two and a half now. I’ve just lowered my standards and do what I can and try to let the rest go. All our clean clothes never get put away, sweeping floors doesn’t happen as often as it should, etc. It’s getting slightly easier as the kid gets older, but he’s never been one that you can leave in a play pen or room by himself without him screaming, so I’ve just adjusted. Once every couple of months my husband will take him out for a couple of hours and I’ll go crazy cleaning.

    11. Mallory*

      I have 3 kids under 5. One is 2. It’s a rough age. Here’s what we do:

      1. gym with childcare. One parent brings kid to gym, drops kid off, works out, showers, gets a coffee and chills out until the 2 hours of free childcare is up. Other parent tackles a specific project.

      2. Make good use of naptime. 1-3 is prime Get Stuff Done time.

      3. Make good use of bedtime. One parent is on point after dinner for play/bath/bedtime, the other parent uses 6-8pm to Get Stuff Done (in our case it’s nurse the baby and nap but hey…)

      4. Lower your standards.

      5. Involve your kid. Gotta organize or sort? Find a job for her. My 4 y/o helped when we were painting- we let her do the inside of the closet. My 2 y/o helped rip down wallpaper and was given scraps of wood to “paint” with kid paint.

      You could also send your kiddo to Grandmas for a weekend and knock out projects, take a day off of work and work through your lunch list while kid is in her normal daycare/out with nanny.

      1. Mallory*

        And generally, we try to do little things all week so the weekend isn’t consumed with chores. I do a few loads of wash during the week, fold it while watching TV at night, and leave it in the guest room. We put it away on weekends.

        I make lunches the night before and do dinner prep then too. When we do it, meal planning is hugely helpful. I also EITHER take the kids grocery shopping as a time consuming activity so DH can Get Stuff Done, or I get up and go grocery shopping at like 7am. When I get back, kids are up and fed/eating. I can get it done in 45 min solo or 1-2 hours with kids in tow ;).

    12. Ann O.*

      A miscellany of suggestions, but first, the reassurance that this phase–like all phases–won’t last. She’ll get more independent and more respectful of staying in a confined space (like her room) playing while you all do things in other spaces.

      Suggestion 1: Have family come and watch your daughter (or bring your daughter to stay with family, if she’s personality-compatible with that) to give you some free space to do long-term home organization.

      Suggestion 2: Incorporate your daughter into chores by giving her pretend tasks or kid toys to mimick. Of course at this age, she won’t really help and it will make things less efficient, but it may make them possible. (examples: giving her measuring cups to bang together or pretend pour things into while cooking, letting her “fold” some clothes–that you will re-fold correctly at the end–while you put away laundry, letting her help load clothes into the washer/dryer (at 1.5 she may actually be able to do this one!)).

      Suggestion 3: If you have an outdoor space or indoor play space, hire a tween/teen to supervise your daughter running around in that space while the adults get stuff done elsewhere. Tweens at my synagogue are constantly looking for this type of parent helper work. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable having a tween do sole babysitting (even though I did it. But I can’t believe people trusted me with their babies and houses when I was 11!), but playing with my kid while I’m nearby? Sure!

      Suggestion 4: Outsource key tasks like cleaning the bathroom (we have a cleaning service come once-a-month for kitchen/bathroom, which has decreased a lot of the in-between labor) or maybe change to disposables for the remaining pre-potty time.

      Suggestion 5: Delay the long term until your daughter is older, but work with your spouse to develop a concrete long-term plan (with target dates!) for it. I don’t know if that will work for you, but for me, I am a lot less anxious/mental energy consumed when I have a specific plan than when I have free-floating wants and tasks.

    13. Nita*

      I’m really struck by the fact that you have family over for dinner most Sundays. So, you host, cook, clean, and probably don’t even get to eat with them because toddler. They better start returning the favor by offering some weekend child care, or hosting one of you while the other one decompresses at home. I don’t know the best way to start that conversation – depends on your relationship with them – but it’s a conversation that needs to happen.

      1. Less embarrassed*

        Yeah, BIL keeps saying he’s going to host sometime. Though it is easier to host because we can out her to bed and still hang out and have dessert. If we had it at his place, we’d have to just leave early.

        My husband enjoys cooking, and this is his one day to do a longer, more involved recipe. (In theory anyway. Sometimes he does more involved stiff during the week than I’d like him to, but he’s not always receptive to my suggestions to do something easier.)

        1. Just an idea*

          This may be down thread, but can you ask family to show up early for dinner and entertain the child/set up for dinner while you get other tasks done? Another family member can stay late while you clean up etc.

          1. Less embarrassed*

            It’s just my BIL and his girlfriend. Every other Sunday we play D&D in the afternoon before dinner (during which time we do have a babysitter). They usually do dishes between dinner and dessert (and also they bring dessert).

        2. AvonLady Barksdale*

          It sounds like your husband uses cooking to decompress and relax, which I completely get because I do too. The advantage here is that it’s a household chore– I mean, you gotta eat, right?– so his decompression doesn’t add to the housework load. However, you don’t get the same benefit. Is there something you want to do to decompress? Someone suggested taking advantage of childcare at the gym, and that actually sounds like a great idea. You don’t even have to work out all the time; most gyms have some kind of area where you can take a mat and meditate (or nap!) if you need to.

          Or… can he wrangle the toddler while you do the dishes? Washing dishes is work, sure, but you can put on some headphones and get a break from chasing her everywhere.

    14. Jessica*

      I think 18 months is one of the hardest ages to deal with as a parent. In just a few months she will probably be more interested in watching TV for 30 mins or so, and also be more helpful with household chores. I just vacuumed and washed the entire upstairs floors of our house this morning, with the “help” of my 28-month old. (And honestly, he did help! He liked pushing the vacuum around and using a wet rag to wash the floor.) Same with cooking — it’s often hard to involve kids in the kitchen, I know, but she might be able to stand on a chair and stir stuff. My kid is fascinated by peeling onions (really!), or standing at the sink “washing” dishes while I cook.
      In the meantime, more child-proof areas of the house really help, as well as lowering your cleaning standards. And maybe trying to do a little more in the evenings — one load of laundry per day?

    15. LibbyG*

      Some good ideas in this thread! I want to circle back to your question: How do other people do it? One answer is, they don’t! Bathrooms get grubby, landscaping gets a bit unkempt, clean daily clothes are selected from a laundry basket rather than from a drawer. The other answer might be, the same way you’re doing it. There’s no magic stable balance to find; it’s really just continually spinning plates. It gets A LOT easier, but with a 7 yo and a 4 yo, I’m not sure it ever really gets dialed in.

      1. Amey*

        I agree, I think a lot of other people don’t manage it! My 17 month old is similar and we have a 3 year old as well – we get stuff done by taking turns and we do all of our cleaning after 9pm and on the weekend. On the weekdays, we just focus on the essentials – dishes, getting loads of laundry through, and we catch up on the weekend. I was doing more in the 9pm slot but I’ve started working out and having a bath instead – this is a much better choice when the rest is a bit of a constant struggle.

        I promise this is temporary. It won’t be long before you’ll be able to put the TV on for half an hour and leave her pretty safely watching it for example. I can have a shower while my 3 year old watches something and not worry about him. I can get on with housework while he plays sometimes. 3 is a difficult stage in a completely different way, but with my 17 month old I spend a lot of my time with her trying to stop her from killing herself. That definitely passes. Good luck!

    16. Less embarrassed*

      Thanks everyone for the suggestions and commiseration. I really appreciate it. I’m not trying to shoot down everyone’s suggestions. It’s just all hard. I’m struggling and already feeling pretty bad about myself for not being able to handle things better

      2. CM*

        This is, IMO, the absolute hardest time in your family life — when your child is a young toddler, needs constant attention, and just makes everything more difficult (delightful as she may be!) I also remember feeling extremely overwhelmed and exhausted at this stage. It does get better!

        A few things I did:
        – Trade off babysitting with friends and neighbors. You have their kid at your house one weekend morning, they keep your kid the next.
        – Wake up extra-early at least once or twice a week to try to get things done while they were still asleep.
        – Make sure spouse is pulling his weight and doing fully 50%! Alternate bathtime and bedtime so that only ONE of you is dealing with the kid while the other is either doing stuff around the house OR just relaxing — don’t forget that it’s important to take care of yourself too!
        – If possible, change your schedule just one day a week — see if you can work from 10-6 instead of 8-4, for instance. That will buy you a little time.

        Even if none of these things help, please don’t feel bad about yourself! We’ve all been there and you just need to get through it. There is nothing wrong with you or what you’re doing. You’re just dealing with something difficult and it doesn’t help that you’re constantly told you’re supposed to treasure every moment of this time in your life.

    17. LilySparrow*

      I understand where you’re coming from! My first was a little easier/more chill, but my second was a maniac who started walking at 9mos, climbing on tables at 10mos, and somewhere around 11mos managed to unlock the front door and escape down the driveway (caught her 2 feet from the street.) She gave up napping at 18 months. We had a play yard in the living room — she picked it up and moved it from inside. We baby proofed everything we could think of, and she ate the rocks out of the fireplace. I just…I get it. People who haven’t had one of these kids can’t know. The only way I could have had downtime in the day would have been to duct-tape her to a chair, and ya know, Social Services frowns on that. (LOL!)

      I realized at some point that I basically had 3 options:

      1) Try to fight it and assert how my house “should” look and how my kid “should” behave and dress, and where my kid “should” be when I’m cooking or cleaning, and I would fail plus make us all miserable.

      2) I could let her do her thing (because she’s going to anyhow), consider myself a failure as a mom, as a housekeeper, and as a woman. She’d be happy but I’d be miserable.

      3) Say “screw it” and try to make as much of our days as possible into playing and having fun. Sometimes that meant disguising chores as games. Sometimes that meant juice pops in the bathtub. Sometimes that meant they spent the afternoon naked and covered in mud in the backyard. Sometimes that meant choosing my work clothes by the sniff test. As long as everyone was healthy, happy, kind, and clean enough not to catch something, we all win.

      I’d recommend “Heaven on Earth” by Sharifa Oppenheimer and “Rhythm of Family” by Amanda Blake Soule.

      They are extremely crunchy-granola and more than a little bit woo, but there’s some good ideas about managing little ones’ energy, doing the necessary tasks of life together instead of segregating the kids from what you’re doing, and creating a family culture and home environment that make you happy.

      Best of luck to you! Long days, short years is right.

    18. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If there’s a parents group in your area or you have friends with kids of a similar age, you might be able to trade babysitting with them. You watch their kid plus yours for 4 hours one day, they do the same the next weekend or whatever arrangement works for you. Sure wrangling 2 kids might be a bit harder but probably not twice as hard and you get a kid free span of time for you and your husband later. I understand you just moved to the area which is why Facebook or other parent groups would be a good option if you feel you don’t know anybody.

    19. Ender*

      At that age you can start getting her to “help” with housework. Rule of thumb – it takes about 2-3 times as long to get something done WITH a toddlers help than on your own. But that means you can still get a little bit done, even if it takes a good while. Once she turns 2 it will be very different – they really start to get the ability to play independently at that stage.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Good point about the multiple of time. But the upside is that they aren’t destroying something else or getting into danger behind your back.

    20. ICU_RN*

      I started this comment over the weekend then got distracted from finishing- 2 under 2 over here, and I’m healthcare. Was full time, now I work 24 hours a week :) I hope you see this

      First things first- no one, absolutely no one is doing it “all”. It’s really freaking hard to parent & work. It just is. So you have to prioritize. If you want to give work your all, your kid gets less of you. If your kid gets your all, then work gets less of you. You have to decide for you, where your attention & energy is going to go. It sounds like D&D, family dinners etc is your priority right now. Cool! So accept that everything is going to slide/be second string for this season.

      In the meantime-
      Cook food for your toddler ahead of time -maybe Sunday dinner, you multiple the recipe so Monday dinner is done for your kid. I tend to keep shredded chicken I’ve cooked up on hand so I can always easily access protein/carbs/veggie meals for my kid. Substitute your own meal basics here- hard boiled eggs, quinoa, whatever.

      Include your toddler where you can- mine loves “helping” do laundry ie: shoving (sorted) clothes into the front loader and closing the soap drawer to see “the bubbles”. I make my 2 yo clean up after their meals, so tossed food into the garbage and the floor wiped. It’s not always pretty but it helps cut down on the fun of tossing food off the tray.

      Also- get screened for postpartum depression. There’s no shame in it, baby blues connection is a great place to start for resources.

      Finally- it gets better. Your toddler will grow & mature fast. So if for right now you need to circle your wagons and own the fact that your priorities are family dinners, D&D and full time work and everything else takes a back seat, that’s ok. There’s no mom Olympics. Find what works for your family and to hell with the rest. You can always change your mind. I started with cloth diapers, went to disposable bc I didn’t have time and wasn’t willing to give up something else to make the time. I felt really bad my home wasn’t spotless the time, decided that wasn’t what I wanted to spend my time so now my house is clean, but not as clean as I’d like and I’m ok with it. Maybe you start doing more slow cooker meals, or doubling the recipe so you have dinner made for 2 nights. We bought baby gates and babyproofed the living room (we can see into from the kitchen) so the toddler can roam and play while the kitchen is tidied or I can ran & clean a bathroom. Ditto for the bedrooms being safe. Letting your kid be bored and able to play without you is a great skill to cultivate. Little hacks like this can help alleviate the pressure enough to breathe. But don’t feel like you’re failing, you’re not. It’s just really this hard when they’re young. You’re doing a great job.

      1. ICU_RN*

        I just reread that- it’s so scattered and rambling and I repeat myself a hundred times. Sorry! I get a little passionate about wanting other women to see through the facade that everyone else has figured it out and we are the only one who hasn’t. It’s just not true. You’ve got this and you’re a great mom. It’s ok if your house projects wait a bit or the bathroom isn’t quite as clean as you’d like.

  11. gecko*

    Hey AAM runners! I’m looking for some advice–even if that advice is just “check out this other forum instead of here” :) Especially from people who remember being at my level relatively recently.

    I’m a beginning regular exerciser & a beginning runner–basically, in ~February I started a couch-to-5k app, and I finished that a couple months ago. I’ve gone from not being able to jog more than a few minutes to being able to jog at a really slow pace for a good while (really slow like, a 14 minute mile to stay conversational).

    So my question is basically…where do I go from here? I’d love to get faster, and eventually to be able to manage a half-marathon distance–there are, however, so many bits of advice online that I have no idea what’s reasonable for me to do & how fast results happen. How do I sift through all that to figure out what I should be doing & do you have advice on measuring progress so it feels satisfying?

    1. CarefreeRunner*

      An uneducated runner here… I’ve never used them myself, but the Hal Higdon guides always looked good. Personally I just run for as long as I feel like and increase distance… but I’ve gone from none to ~12 miles a day over 3 months. A lot of this stuff is reallllly variable on the person. The important thing is to listen to your body – if you HURT, like really hurt, not just the normal soreness – stop and reevaluate.

      I can’t talk about measuring progress so it’s satisfying because I don’t! So on that note, all I can recommend is enjoying the running itself – a good podcast or album makes running the highlight of my day.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        When you feel comfortable doing so, sign up for a 10K. That was my gateway drug to longer distances.

        That said, to avoid injury or burnout, don’t expand your mileage too quickly. You don’t want to add more than a mile to your longest run each week. And definitely take “rest” weeks if you need them, where you don’t expand your mileage. Also, every runner is different. I personally thrive on taking multiple rest days per week. If I attempt to run more than four days a week, I reach a point of diminishing returns. But others thrive on running every single day. It’s going to take some trial and error.

        As far as improving speed, chances are it’s going to come naturally at first as you run more and run farther, and your body adapts and gets stronger. In my first year of running half marathons, my time improved from 2:11 and change to 1:52 and change, then to the 1:48 range in another year, without dramatically changing my routine in any way. But then you plateau, and the question that I’m not equipped to answer (but maybe the faster runners on this forum can) is how to break through *that* wall. But that’s a ways off for you!

        Also, I’ve read a lot of running books and I don’t like them all, but I’ll second Hal Higdon, I’ve found his books very helpful.

        2. LGC*

          So to answer your last point: speed work and cross training. And even after that you’ll still hit plateaus.

          Basically, you have to run at race speed or faster to get faster. So my weekly routine is usually at least one day where I’m running on the track (I usually end up doing 2-3 miles’ worth of running at between my mile pace and my 5k pace) and one day where I’m running tempo (so around my half marathon pace) for 40-90 minutes total. (In my case, that’s roughly 6 1/2 to 15 miles.)

          I’m a speed demon, so I usually end up doing the long tempo individually and then a shorter tempo workout with my club. (With about 12 hours between. I’m crazy, I know.) I also used to drop in on my club’s Wednesday night track workouts after doing the Tuesday morning ones. (Hey, we’re based out of my town and have practices at the town HS track. It was like a 15 minute jog.)

          I’ve reeled it back in a bit to make sure I don’t kill myself, but I’ve improved a LOT since adding speed work in – I ended up cutting almost a full minute off my 5k PR this year (so ~17:50 to ~16:50). I’m NOT expecting to run 15:50 any time soon, though. Or maybe even ever.

          1. LGC*

            (For everyone else reading this: I’m 1) a crazy person 2) training for a marathon. So if you do decide to hit the track, start small – like maybe 10×200 (or 1/2 lap on a standard outdoor track) once a week or something similar. I figured I should add that disclaimer in.)

        3. gecko*

          I think that’s really good advice. I’ve joked that I’m too competitive to race…but I think it might just be necessary so I have that kind of goal.

          Also it sounds like you saw that kind of improvement in your half marathon time over the course of a couple years? I’m also trying to just figure out what my expectations should be :p

        1. CarefreeRunner*

          Maybe, maybe not! I am relatively average looking, but I actually just really lucked out with an athletic body-type (not even the way I look necessarily, I just seem to take well to exercise). I don’t run fast, which is probably a big part of it, as well. I enjoy running for the runners high, I’m never motivated to run fast haha. But you never know how you can do till you try! I guess that’s all I’m getting at – If you don’t *need* a program to stay motivated, it’s perfectly fine to just do whatever you feel like :)

          And thanks for the thanks, I feel like my advice is kinda useless, but do check out the Hal Higdon marathon guides. They always looked reasonable to me, and there’s different levels of difficulties for how much you care about your time (versus just finishing the marathon).

    2. Fezzes*

      Check the local running stores – they have groups to run with and usually have training programs to help you get ready to run a certain distance. The one in my town has one in the beginning of the year for a March race and one starting soon for a half marathon on Thanksgiving day.

    3. LGC*

      First of all, congratulations!

      So, first of all, you did the hard part – you got up and started. And you also have a end goal – to run a half marathon. So you’re already in good shape.

      I’d suggest training for a 10k next, and THEN a half. So basically, this fall aim to complete a 10k (usually it’s about 2 months or so of consistent training to a 10k) and then a half in the spring (~3 months). A lot of Couch to 5k apps provide more advanced training plans as well.

      (I didn’t mention getting faster – I think you’re at the point where you’ll see a lot of improvement as long as you’re consistently training. So the getting faster part will happen automatically.)

      Finally, this might not be for everyone but it worked really well for me: find a training group! Go to your local running store – a lot of them have group runs, and some have affiliated clubs. Look at races for clubs that seem interesting and in your area.

    4. Ann O.*

      If you really want to get faster, the best thing will be to join a training group that includes track workouts. You need to train for speed as well as endurance. Every adult training group that I’ve seen will have many people at your current level as well as faster runners.

      If you’re more about keeping the momentum/increasing endurance and base fitness, you may be fine using an online training program. IMHO, the key is to pick a target race and a program that seems doable to you and stick with it through the target race (barring injury… always respect injury!). If the program ends up not being a great fit for your style/body’s needs, you can then switch. The key is to have consistency through the defined period, so you’re not constantly switching your approach.

      You can also check if there are 5K/10K race series in your city. Those can be a great way to have a focus and track progress. There may even be one that culminates in a half-marathon.

    5. Ron McDon*

      Hi,

      I wonder if you checked out the ‘health unlocked’ community whilst you were doing C25k? It’s a UK based site, where you can post questions/comments for advice/celebration/commiseration.

      https://healthunlocked.com/couchto5k

      They have a plan which you can follow after graduating C25k, called Bridge to 10k. There are lots of very active members on there, who are very quick to give advice and support when someone asks a question.

      https://healthunlocked.com/couchto5k/posts/138192723/10-is-the-magic-number-10k-plan

      I’m lovingC25k – i’m just about to start Week 7, which means in 6 weeks I’ve gone from not being able to run for a minute easily, to running for 25 minutes straight!

    6. Jane of all Trades*

      I have found the “Nike Run Club” app to be super helpful in this situation. This is what has worked for me & why:
      I picked a longer race (10k) that I wanted to run 4 months after my first 5k. The app personalizes a training plan for you, based on your current level of fitness, how often you want to run, and the distance of your next race (the feature is called running coach).
      This worked for me because (i) I had a tangible goal that was ambitious for me, given my lack of running experience/ability; (ii) the runs are different – sometimes its a long run, sometimes interval training, and so on. This keeps training more interesting, and made me a faster runner and helped me progress a faster and more easily than I had on my own when preparing for the 5k. The other thing the app did is that it tracked my stats. To me, this was motivating. Some days I would set a personal record for speed, or length of run, or for having a streak of running regularly for one month, then two, and so on. It also has social media features, but I haven’t used them. It also has guided runs if you enjoy that. I think the app works best if you have a tangible goal (like running a 10k in a few months), and if you like competing against yourself or tracking your progress.
      Hope this helps!

    7. A bit of a saga*

      I do a combo of some of the other things people have already mentioned: an app that tracks my stats with a defined programme for a certain goal, a running group where we do speed/interval/strength training, longer runs on my own and then I do some test runs – I just did a 10k a couple of days ago. I’m not a fast runner but I managed to shave off 2 min from my previous best so happy with that. My own running journey was pretty much zero to 1/2 marathon in just shy of 4 months, now I’m keeping in shape for a 3rd half 1/2 marathon this season. Also: there’s a running thread here almost weekly, it’s been really motivating for me to share my progress here on AAM.

    8. MollyJ*

      One of the things I did after finishing Couch to 5k when I didn’t have the time to run longer and really just wanted to run faster was restart the Couch to 5k program and use it like an interval trainer. So I would do the Run parts at a sprint, then do the walk sections at a walk to recover. I got a lot faster very quickly. Now I can run a 10k easily in under and hour. The other thing we added was hill sprints. Google that for instructions

  12. The Other Dawn*

    I’m trying a different brand of CBD oil (CBDPure 600) this week and I’m slightly optimistic, as I think it takes the edge off the pain. I’m going to give it a good amount of time and see what happens. But OMG the taste! Unfortunately they don’t sell it flavored like some other companies.

    Anyone have other brands they would recommend? I tried Charlotte’s Web already and it didn’t seem to have any effect.

    2. CarefreeRunner*

      I’ve heard that some people buy the crystals/isolate and just put it in candies and so on themselves. It’s supposedly cheaper, and you could make it taste however you want!

        1. CarefreeRunner*

          Sure! Not recommending this store in particular at all, but just to clarify this is the sort of thing I’m referring to:

          https://www.thecbdistillery.com/product/99-cbd-isolate-powder-from-hemp/

          I’ve just heard of this from others who use it for their pain, so I can’t vouch for it. You might be able to search around to determine what would taste best. There is also a CBD subreddit that would probably know a lot more than me, since I don’t use any of this stuff personally. Good luck!

    4. Not So Little My*

      Modern Medicinals has a taste that’s very true to the original flower, so sorry if that’s what you don’t like, but it is organic and botanically pure so you know it doesn’t have any adulterants. I know the lady who owns the company and she’s a long-time botanical geek so I trust the product.

    5. Shrunken Hippo*

      I know what you mean. I’m in Canada so I got mine from a company that specializes in medical products and the oil tastes awful!! Sadly, I don’t think it’s helping with my pain at all. My best suggestion to get the taste out of your mouth is to put the oil under your tongue to absorb and have a piece of chocolate melting on top of your tongue. It really lessens the taste and smell and will let you use what you have until you find a new brand.

    6. Sammy Sam*

      Care By Design. It’s a mixture of CBD and Coconut oil–so it tastes like nothing. I use the 18:1 blend. I live in California, so I get it my local Medical Marijuana Store.

    7. Kuododi*

      I admit to knowing absolutely nothing about CBD oil so I am just spitballing here. Is this the kind of product you could mix with something agreeable to the tastebuds…(pudding cup, applesauce, spoon of honey…). As long as this doesn’t negatively affect the efficacy of the product I’d say it’s worth a try. Good luck!!!!

    8. misspiggy*

      Love CBD Dutch CBD Oil is what I use. It works well for me with frequent use, although I avoid it in the evening because I get a diuretic effect.

      Taste is bad, but I’m happy to have it as an option.

  13. matcha123*

    Last month I accidentally fell into the planner “community.” And by “community” I mean watching YouTube videos.
    Are any of you planners? Do you do that really complicated one where you do everything by scratch? Do you take a planner and mix and match refills and have keychains hanging off of it?
    Are you a Filofax, Leuchtturm, or designer planner person?
    I actually bought two used designer planners. One which is very tiny, but looks nice and has almost no options for refills, since it is so small. And the other was an LV planner in the MM size that I bought for about $27. It’s pretty rough, but I’d like to see how I like the size before going for a more expensive used one.
    I have a love for planners and have been using Moleskin and now Leuchtturm until now…

      1. matcha123*

        That was the name I was trying to remember!
        How is it? It seems pretty complicated. How long did it take you to get the hang of it?

        1. wingmaster*

          I really like it. I think I’m gonna re-do the journal though..now that I know what my priorities are in my post-grad life. I got used to it pretty fast.

          My first bullet journal had daily/monthly spreads, birthdays, Spending Log, “Places to go,” “Movies to watch,” etc. Tbh, I haven’t been using the last two, so I think I’m going to do something fitness related.

          Also, I did it all in black ink. I think this time, I will use multiple colors.

          1. matcha123*

            I was flipping through a magazine about bullet journaling the other day, and there were some truly gorgeous designs they showcased.

        2. Ender*

          It seems really complicated when you watch YouTube videos because some people spend ages making them complicated and pretty. But the whole point of them bullet journal system is that you can make it as simple or as complicated, as plain or as pretty as you like. I have a work bullet journal which is really plain. And a personal bullet journal which is a bit prettier. I’d recommend checking out the original bullet journal website (bullet journal dot something) to see how plain and simple the original one is.

          1. Ender*

            Also both mine are really simple I just have weekly spreads with integrated to-do list for week and then take notes on the other pages of whatever i need to write down – in work it would be notes from a meeting or research or whatever, for personal it’s abything from planning my kids bday party or calculating which service provider to go with for the cheapest bill to journal ramblings. I found weekly spread worked better for me than daily or monthly but I can always change up if I want that’s the beauty of it!

          2. Ender*

            Sorry – last post I swear! The main benefit of it is the system itself – transferring to-do items between lists, different types of bullets for notes versus actions versus appointments, threading of pages and use of index to make it easy to find notes for a specific project or activity scattered through the notebook.

      2. Thursday Next*

        I bullet journaled before I knew there was a name for it, using regular spiral notebooks. I bought a Leuchturm this year and I’m finding I get a little squeamish about just scribbling things down as I go. They have to be neat! In this month’s colors! So it hasn’t been useful as a daily planner.

        Also I don’t want to carry it around with me.
        It feels too visibly personal.

        As a repository of themed lists, it’s been great—wish lists, travel plans, home improvement ideas, books read…

    2. King Friday XIII*

      I too was doing something very much like bullet journaling before that was a thing, originally in Moleskines and now mostly in Leuchtturm notebooks. I scribble lists, write fiction and poetry, sketch, whatever I need. I also have a 5.5×8.5″ Franklin Covey I use for roleplaying, where I keep character notes, printouts of pages I refer to often, index cards with spells on and the like. I’ve seen some truly gorgeous Filofaxes and the like, but the FCs from Goodwill are more my price range. ;)

      1. matcha123*

        I was also pretty surprised at the prices, but I guess since many of them are leather, it is to be expected!

    3. Aphrodite*

      I use Filofax and have for years. When I began looking at them I naturally checked out DayTimer at first. But I prefer Filofax because, well, it’s prettier and not so rigid (like preferring Mac, as I do, to Windows). I still have the original beat-up red one but it still works well. I switched to a wall calendar a couple of years ago but didn’t like it so I went back to the day-on-two-pages Filofax one. Since I don’t carry a purse and don’t have a cell phone it works like a small wallet with everything I need.

    4. Bujo Lover*

      I love my bullet journal – I’ve been using the system since May 2016 though I’ve adapted the original system significantly. I’ve used the Leuchtturm 1917 A5 the whole time. The thing is that I use printables for most pages because I have zero artistic ability and not as much time as I would like.

      Pros:
      – It’s flexible and can be as elaborate or minimalist as you want. Plus you can change it up every week or month until you find a system that works for you.
      – The blank page in a bujo is a lot more forgiving if you miss a day, a week, or a month than a pre-printed planner.
      – You can use it to track anything and everything. I have monthly, weekly, and daily spreads, but I also use it to track gratitude, finances, what media I’m ingesting, my Weight Watchers journey, blog/business tasks, habits, and pretty much everything else that I find I need help tracking.
      – Printables are great if you don’t have the ability or time to spend on lavish threads and they are available for free through newsletter subscriptions on blogs or I buy them on Etsy. I’ve also been known to use other planners’ stuff and incorporate it into my bujo. I also learned how to make my own once I realized that no one else’s daily, weekly, or monthly spread was working for me.

      Cons:
      – It’s super overwhelming to fall into the YouTube trap because it’s too much watching other people’s elaborate spreads.
      – It does take a little time to set up and maintain even if you pick a minimalist path.

      I would suggest that you stick to the main bullet journal website by Ryder Carroll to start with if you’re interested because that explains the main system which is really simple and straightforward (and the best way to start). After that, check out Boho Berry’s site as Kara has a lot of terrific blog posts (and a YouTube channel) for beginners.

      My main supplies:
      Journal: Leuchtturm A5
      Pens: Staedtler markers and fine tips pens, Sharpie Pens – fine (not the markers), and occasionally the Tombow markers
      Adhesive: Lots of people use washi tape, but I really like the Tombow Adhesive Dot roller (with refills)

      1. matcha123*

        Thanks! Making my own does appeal to my artistic side. I’ve been using regular daily planners since at least high school…or college. They kind of double as journals or time capsules, since I can look back and see what I was doing over the year.
        I prefer to write things down, rather than type them into an app. Binders and journals are now my current obsession, help! lol

    6. TL -*

      I use an Erin Condren horizontal and I love it. It works really well for me – it’s pretty and colorful so I like using/seeing it. Plus my cover is a collage of photos of family/friends/adventures I had last year.

      I don’t have something to write in every day, but most days a week I use and/or reference it. The monthly view is also really helpful because I have a tendency to overschedule myself and that keeps me realistic about everything that is going on (ie, if I have a whole bunch of appointments or due dates, seeing in monthly format reminds me I’m probably going to need a day off or I’ll crash.)

    7. EmilyG*

      I was never a planner or journal person at all until I met someone at a conference with a Hobonichi Techo, which I became so obsessed with that I’ve written/drawn in mine every day for four years!

      2. ..Kat..*

        What attracts you to Burkina Faso? All I know is that it is a very impoverished and hot country that has gone through prolonged hardships.

    2. Glowcat*

      I’m lucky enough to have already moved to my dream country, which is Norway. Now the next challenge is remaining here, since so far I have a temp contract…

    3. Monty's Mom*

      That’s makes me boring, but I love where I currently live (Wisconsin), so I’d stay here!

      2. bassclefchick*

        I’m in Wisconsin, too! I love it! However, if I could live anywhere else, I’d choose Scotland.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      North Fork of Long Island. So peaceful and so beautiful, yet it’s 80 miles from NYC, which I live in now and can’t imagine leaving for a long time. I hope global warming doesn’t wash it away before we have the chance to retire there.

    5. CAA*

      I am living in my dream location, and very happy here. If I had to move, I think Kauai would be my second choice.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I want to live in Maui or Kauai. I also like the Bahamas and the Florida Keys, so basically a tropical island somewhere.

    6. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      My first instinct is to say Cape Town or San Francisco, but I have only vacationed in those places…so I guess what I mean when I say “I want to live there” is “I want to live on vacation, please.” I think the west coast of Michigan is my more reality-based answer.

    7. Victoria, Please*

      Someplace that doesn’t burn down for 8 months of the year, and has enough water for the foreseeable future… (currently living in SoCal.)

  15. AnonForThis*

    I’m a little worried about my flatmate. We both work part time while going to uni. I moved in this June (though we’ve known each other for three years) and since it’s summer, neither of us is going to classes, but we do have some September exams we need to be studying for.

    Anyways, she’s exhibiting some signs that have got me a bit worried she’s depressed: she’s been sleeping during the day a lot and she has occasionally postponed our social plans to take a mid-day nap. She also lets dirty dishes and clothes pile up in her room for weeks (though she then has a few days of cleaning frenzy and the common areas are fine, so I don’t have anything to complain about). And she said she’s not feeling up to sitting the exams in September, so she’ll move them to the next semester (this is especially worrying to me, because she’s now on the 7th year of her 5 year degree, if she postpones them, that means it will take her 8 years to finish – I started the same programme three years after her, yet am expecting to graduate before her). She also has a history of depression, I know she was in treatment for it two years back, but don’t know if she’s still on meds or in therapy now, it seems prying to ask. On the other hand, she’s usually quite cheerful and afaik she’s doing just fine at work, so maybe I’m just interpreting normal college student behaviour as depression?

    I’m thinking of talking to her about it, but a) am struggling to find the right words b) don’t want to be making a big deal about completely normal behaviour.

    1. Glowcat*

      People suffering from depression don’t always understand what’s happening or why, so asking her directly could be useless; and even if she knows (as you said she has a history) she may still don’t want to talk about it. I would talk to her about her studies, because it is also possible that she realized they are not what she wanted to do and she struggles to finish but it’s too late to drop them; then see where the conversation leads you.
      As an aside, it’s normal for depressed people to be cheerful or even happy at times; they are not constantly gloomy, but they can turn to deep sadness for no reason. Try also to see if she doesn’t enjoy things she used to love, as this is a major flag. I have been through it, so if she is really depressed I feel for her and I understand it’s going to be a hard period. I wish her all the best and I thank you, AnonForThis, for staying close to her and wanting to help: not all my friends did, so I think you are a good one.

      1. Luna123*

        Yeah, depression has a habit of sneaking up on you, and it can be really hard to realize exactly how depressed you were until it’s passed.

        I don’t think it would hurt to raise the topic with your flatmate, but I’m not sure how you would go about that / don’t have a script handy

      2. Ender*

        Both times i had depression I didn’t recognise it in myself. And both times people I was living with were the ones that convinced me to see a doctor. I’m glad they did. However, the first time it was my mother and the second time my husband. I don’t know if I would have appreciated a flat mate telling me; it depends on your relationship. Is she a friend as well as a flat mate? If so talk to her I advise. You know she had depression before and presumably in college you have access to some sort of healthcare (we had a free doctor and free counsellor as part of our university). I think the best way to approach it is to remind her that she already told you about her depression, tell her you’re worried she doesn’t seem her usual self and you think she has some symptoms, stress that you know you’re not a doctor but ask her if she would go to the doctor to discuss, and offer to go with her. If she refuses then there’s not much else you can do, though maybe calling a dedicated helpline to ask for their advice might have some other ideas.

    2. anon for thiiiiiiis*

      Honestly, I’d say to leave it alone. It’s not really your concern if she moves her exams back or graduates late (as much as you care for her!) and if she’s doing well at work and seems cheerful I don’t think her possible depression is at such an alarming point where you need to say something.

      One of the reasons I’m terrified to have roommates is because I don’t need people commenting on my mental health. I have bipolar and have been stable and symptom from for close to a decade, but there are some habits from when my illness was active that I just haven’t been able to break, specifically my clothes being in a pile on the floor and my doing the dishes procrastination. I know that it’d be ideal to not do those things but it’s more effort to change those habits than it’s worth right now. If my roommate wanted to have a talk with me about my mental health over those things or my decisions about what’s best for my schooling, I’d be really annoyed.

      Keep an eye on things for sure and if her life starts falling by the wayside in other ways, I could see talking to her. But otherwise, I think it’d be best to leave it be.

    3. Gatomon*

      I think you should say something. Even if she is depressed and knows it and is taking steps, sometimes having another person express concern can be beneficial. She may not realize how bad things have gotten. Depression may be telling her no one cares, but you saying something shows that you do.

      If she’s depressed and not aware of it, or how bad it’s gotten, it might be a good wake-up call that things are starting to seriously affect her life and that it’s time to take action — whatever that may be for her.

      If she doesn’t want to talk about it or discuss it with you, I’d leave it be at that point. But I think simply asking the question, without any pressure, is always worth it. For example: “Hey, are you okay? You seem a bit down lately. I’m worried about you.”

      1. Yep!*

        ^^^This. My depression brain weasels tell me in no uncertain terms that nobody gives a crap about me. The times when someone said exactly Gatomon’s last sentence have meant the world to me. Of course, your roommate may be an entirely different personality, but you know her best.

    4. LGC*

      So…I think you have a crack of an opening because you know she was depressed fairly recently. I’d probably bring up anything that’s changed recently – if she was normally neat, or if she was excited to take her exams, for example, or her sleeping habits. (So maybe like, “Hey, Flatmate, I’ve noticed you’ve been sleeping a lot during the day lately. Is everything all right?”)

      All of that CAN BE normal behavior, but the question is – is it HER normal? Are there other reasons that she might be acting this way – like is she busy at work or working nights? I don’t think you’re the right person to answer these questions (you’re her roommate, not her psychiatrist), but you can at least signal that you see something.

      And this might not go well at first. But…as Glowcat said, you’re awesome for wanting to check in on her, so even if it goes sideways, you haven’t done anything wrong!

  16. Bluesboy*

    We are on our way to pick up our two new kittens! They are Devon Rex, so short curly hair, almost hypoallergenic, and think basically like dogs! They are the ones with massive ears that basically look like a cross between aliens and gremlins.

    If anyone is curious, have a look at the Facebook page ‘La Loggia dei Quattro’ (the breeder). We are coming home with Concord Dawn and Corellia – Concord is exaggeratedly confident, friendly with everyone and almost certainly will climb up on the wardrobe and get stuck, and Corellia is the little shy one who is frightened to do anything but likes snuggling.

    Wish us luck, haven’t had a pet in twenty years!

    1. The Other Dawn*

      OMG they’re so cute!! Many people say that the Devon Rex, Oriental Short hair and Sphyx are ugly, because they have extremely short hair and are very lanky, but I think they’re adorable. Good luck!

      (And yes, the description of a cross between and alien and a gremlin is very accurate!)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Oh my, the baby pics are ADORABLE. The EARS. The ears are too much cute in one place.

      Have fun! Let us know how they are doing.

    4. Kj*

      I love Rexes! We used to stay in a BnB that had Cornish Rexes. I’ve thought about getting one to train as a therapy cat for work (I’m a child therapist).

    5. Ali G*

      Oh you are in for it (in a good way)! My petsitter has a Cornish Rex and he is awesome, but very sneaky and is a total troublemaker.

    6. Book Lover*

      We almost got one and went for a Siberian instead :). They are cute and warm and soft, for sure. Enjoy!

    7. MsChandandlerBong*

      I am jealous. They are SOOOOOOO cute! I had a cat that was a Cornish Rex mix, so I have wanted a Cornish Rex or Devon Rex forever.

    8. WS*

      It’s great that you’re getting two – one can be pretty destructive, two means there’s someone to play with!

  17. WG*

    Ten years ago I had a falling out with several of my siblings while planning a milestone birthday party for our mother. Since then, I’m civil to them when I see them at family functions, but otherwise avoid them. It’s now time for the next milestone birthday and one of them mentioned we should plan another party together. They seem to think that because I don’t make a big issue of the past that I’m over it and will help with the next party. I just haven’t made an issue of the past because it’s not worth my mental energy. I haven’t forgotten or forgiven, and I’d be stupid to put myself in the same situation to be treated as poorly as I was last time.

    I’ve tried to leave our mother out of this situation, as it wasn’t her doing. But my siblings will use her to try to influence me. And then she’ll lay in the guilt because she thinks all of us kids should get along all the time. My feeling is that blood doesn’t excuse people from treating each other horribly. I’m not going to allow unacceptable behavior from someone just because we’re related.

    Anyone have good wording for getting across that I don’t want to rehash or repeat the past? And that there’s absolutely no way I’m helping with this party? I just know my mother and siblings will try to pressure me by saying I should do it for my mother’s sake.

    1. WellRed*

      Parents always think their children should be best friends. Not always possible. Can you flatter the sibs into planning party without you, or beg off in some other way instead of rehashing past? “Oh, you guys are so goid with that sort of thing.” “Work committments.”

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Oh my god, this.

        My mum is of the opinion that I should be the best of friends with my older brother who treats me like shit because he’s family. She once came over to my flat and did the thing that parents do where they tell you what’s going to happen in that particularly tone of voice that broked no argument when you were a kid.

        I had to tell her that I’m nearly 30 and in charge of my relationships and would she like a slice of cake?

        WG, WellRed is right to suggest finding a way to beg off – time commitments are the best way. Just keep saying – I’m sorry, I don’t have the time, but I know you’ll do great at it.

    2. Julia*

      I’ve read somewhere that when siblings don’t get along, the parents aren’t always as blameless as they want to think. I know my mother always asks why I don’t get along with everyone, and it’s because she’s enabled bad behavior towards me.

      Anyway, could you make up a work commitment or pretend you’ve sprained your ankle or anything?

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is interesting. I think it’s possible for parents to drive wedges between siblings even absent obviously bad practices (that sounds terrible, btw, Julia), by putting their kids into “boxes” (“Kid 1 is like me, butKid 2 is so different”).

        These kinds of things seem benign, but I think they shape siblings’ attitudes toward each other.

        1. Julia*

          I can’t speak for other families and I don’t know enough of the research to make an absolute statement, but what you’re saying makes sense to me.

          In my case, my mother was raised to value boys over girls, and although she vehemently denies it every time I bring it up (because I got the same education as my brothers), it is definitely true and her biggest blind spot that my brothers got away with everything, even cruelty against me, while I got away with nothing or even got punished for their behavior toward me. Luckily, my youngest brother seems to finally turn into an adult with some empathy, and I live far away from my parents which means we get along better, but I can definitely see how some parents just cannot understand why their kids don’t get along. And I didn’t mean to derail OP’s post, sorry!!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think it’s best that I leave the planning up to you guys.

      “WG, we think you should pick the restaurant.”
      I think that we all have learned it’s better if you guys pick the restaurant.
      OR
      Sorry, will not be able to do that. Let me know what you guys have decided. [Notice how you do not give any explanations here. Explanations are just in-roads for arguments. Just say no and do not offer a reason.]

      “WG, we have decided on the expenses for mom’s b-day and your share is $230.”
      I have budgeted $120 for mom. I can either give that to you guys toward the kitty or I can just go on my own an do something myself. That way you guys can go ahead with your plans. Let me know what you decide.
      OR
      That is beyond my budget right now. You guys go ahead and have a good time.

      A friend had an instance where the sibs decided on a joint gift. Sibs never bothered to mention this to Friend, until the bill was due. “Your share is $75.” This was something that Friend was totally unaware of and had absolutely no participation in the entire process. So Friend just refused to pay the $75.
      What happened next was NO more joint gifts. Part of what worked well for my friend was using as few words as possible. “What gift? Well, I don’t know anything about that. It’s not in the budget for me and I will not be able to pay you.”
      Whatever your reason is, use as few words as possible. Say it in a serious tone that indicates there is no conversation that will change your answer. “Sorry, I will not be available that day.” OR “I have other commitments and I am not able to put any time into planning mom’s party.” Don’t expand on these statements. No means no, it does not mean argue with me for three weeks and I will change my mind.

      If they say you should do it for your mother’s sake, tell them you are doing your own thing for her and you are fine, “thanks for thinking of me and have a great time.”

      1. Thursday Next*

        “Explanations are just inroads for arguments.” Quoted for truth.

        My question for you, WG, is would you be willing (or able) to go to the party if you don’t have a hand in planning it? Because that could affect what you say. “I’ll leave the planning to you, but I’ve budgeted $X for my share of the cost and look forward to seeing you all there.”

        1. WG*

          Last time I did attend the event, for the sake of the guest of honor. No reason she should suffer negative consequences of a situation she wasn’t involved in (it was a surprise party). I will attend again this time, for the same reason.

      2. WG*

        My mother has been known in the past to purchase her own gift and the let each child know their share. She figured she was getting what she wanted and saving us the time of shopping .

        I do like the idea of setting my financial limit and sticking to that. Last time I did pay my equal share because I made the commitment to do so before all heck broke loose. But that doesn’t mean I have to commit to that level this time.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Let them know your budget ahead of time, so that they aren’t counting on more. Then, if they go over, they can pay the additional amount.

    4. Aphrodite*

      Oh boy, can I relate to your story in all its aspects except for the party. Let me just say that I think you have made the right decision. Stick to it. I suggest not JADEing (J=justify; A=argue; D=defend; E=explain) your decision, just say “I’m sorry; it’s just not possible” to everyone any time it is brought up. Do not give reasons even to your mother. If you are willing to attend the party then say that but do not back down on not helping.

      You are right; unacceptable behavior is never acceptable. It does’t matter who is asking. Someone once wrote that “givers must have boundaries because takers don’t have any.” Have them, live them. And never justify them. If anyone hates or resents you because of that then they have a problem. Do not make it yours too.

    5. Blue Eagle*

      It took me years and years but I finally figured out what my sister always does. Instead of saying “no, I won’t do that”, which she knows will result in other siblings or mom saying “why not” or “would you please do it”, she just says “yes” – then at the last minute something always comes up so she doesn’t do it (e.g. can’t come because of last minute work, or can’t do it because kid is sick, etc, etc)

      So now I’m the same way. First respond with positive enthusiasm “that sounds like a great idea and it would be fun to participate”. Then say your qualifier “it might not work out with my new work schedule/finances don’t allow it” etc, etc.

      In any event, do not let yourself get sucked in. Why is it that moms always want the agreeable children to take the s**t that the drama children dish out rather than confronting the drama children and asking THEM to play nice?

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        This is me. (Except the drama ‘children’ are my brothers-in-law, and it’s me and husband taking the c**p.) I’ve had to start using the ‘sounds great! Might depend on work though’ line in relation to a family holiday the last couple of years, and then closer to the time being like ‘yeah, I’m really sorry and sad not to see you all, but we just couldn’t make it fit with work’. I still haven’t quite absolved myself of the guilt for not going, but it’s getting easier as time goes on.

  18. nep*

    Do you tell white lies (‘we’ve got plans’) when it’s easier than saying ‘not up to it’/’don’t feel like it’? Is it more polite in the end?

    1. WellRed*

      Yep. Example: I have friend who needs to schedule herself to the minute (brunch with this friend! Movie with that friend! Stop by park on drive home from wedding for [picnic!. Then feed everyone dinner!) Sometimes for me, even just getting together to watch a DVD on Saturday is more than I want to do that particular day, but she doesn’t always understand. I once said, “oh, I was planning to make a vision board tonight. (Not true). Her response: “I’ve been wanting to update mine! Let’s do it together!” I hung up the phone and said. “Welp, guess I’m doing a vision board tonight” and hunted out glue stix and scissors.
      And wine. Lots of wine.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Oo, no!

        I had a friend like that as well. I mentioned that I was doing something in passing and she would always invite herself along to it. It was awful. I just want to sit in the cinema and eat popcorn by myself. Or I want to do my grocery shopping alone.

        It was really stressful talking to her at times.

        2. Zona the Great*

          I broke up with that friend two years ago. 15 years of her not even being able to order her own meal without knowing what I ordered first.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Depends on who it is. With some friends, I can say, “Nah, just not feeling it” or “I need a break”. With acquaintances, I usually say we have plans. I don’t think either is rude, per se, but I do think there’s a weighing of kindness. I don’t want someone I barely know to think that I simply don’t want to hang out with them (my friends are pretty aware that it’s not them, it’s just that I need some downtime). I also usually offer a counter-plan if I really do want to get to know the acquaintance better and I just don’t want to go out.

      1. nep*

        Well said. I almost added to my post: Does it depend on the person(s) involved?
        I’m the same–with some I have zero problem saying ‘Nah, not up for that.’

      2. Julia*

        Instead of “I need a break”, I sometimes say I’ve been really busy and need to rest, or I’m feeling worn out and wouldn’t be much fun.

        1. Windchime*

          Yeah, this is what I say. “I think I just need some downtime this weekend.” It’s hard for anyone to argue with that.

    3. buttercup*

      I used to do this, except I have got this one friend who will actually follow up with a question about my other plans! (She has trouble reading social cues.) I have actually since learned that there is nothing wrong with just saying you’re not feeling it.

    5. BRR*

      Yup. Alison’s “sitting on the couch and watching Netflix can be your plans” absolved me of any guilt.

      1. nep*

        Reminds me of the day my mom and I attended a dear friend’s wedding ceremony and left the reception early. We were keen to share her special day, but didn’t want a late evening. On the way home I said: ‘Little do they know our prior engagement is with our sweats and t-shirts.’

    6. blargity blarg*

      I’ve established myself as a committed introvert, so when I say no, people aren’t offended. Maybe give excuses that make it clear you don’t have plans but also don’t want to?

      “Work is eating my life, I need alone time.”
      “My couch misses me.”
      “I’m rewatching The West Wing for the 37th time.”
      “If I don’t clean the apartment and deal with the litter box, the cats are going to move out.”

      Don’t feel guilty for saying no. You’re allowed to not want to always engage with others. Not having “plans” doesn’t mean you must make yourself available.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      The hardest time is when it’s people I really like. I think what used to bother me is that I wondered if people believed me with “I’m not up to it, how about a raincheck?”

      Aging has helped some. More and more people are saying, “Hey I am feeling pretty beat. How about next week?” So that lifts some weight off of my shoulders.

      I almost never say, “I don’t feel like it” because that could be read wrong. But there are exceptions there, too. “Hey, let’s go to the car wash the high school is doing to raise funds.” Nope, don’t feel like it, too far out of my way or whatever.

      Depending on the activity and the area I may say that I don’t want to drive that particular road after dark. This too has become more acceptable with age. In past years, I would lie. “Gee, that is past my bedtime, gotta go to work tomorrow.” I just did not want to drive that road as my vision gets dimmer with increased fatigue. At 35, I was not prepared to hear myself say, “I can’t see good at night”. Now I realize fatigue is a factor and plenty of other people have a similar concern. Sometimes our lies are to spare ourselves, not others. sigh!

    8. Foreign Octopus*

      Yep. All the time.

      “I’ve got a doctor’s appointment” = I’m staying in to watch Doctor Who.

      “I’m working” = I’m probably not going to shower this weekend and just surf the Internet

      “I’m sick” = I’m tired of speaking with people and so I’m going to lock myself away from the world

      “My cat’s sick” = I know we agreed to plans but I really, really don’t want to do it and I know you can’t argue with this because my cat is actually the sickest cat ever

      I think white lies are politer. Possibly because I never actually feel up to socialising with anyone. I’m super happy on my own and making plans is always such an exhausting thing for me so if I kept saying I don’t feel like it, I probably would have zero friends. I have a policy of seeing my friends once every three months and even that feels like a lot to me.

    9. Overeducated*

      No, 99% of the time “sorry I can’t that day!” is enough. When I was in high school I do think friends would question it sometimes but as an adult, nobody cares, everyone is busy and excuses are not necessary.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yep, this. There are lots of things you can say that are neither lies nor explicitly saying every thought in your head.

        That’s not going to work for me, sorry.

        Not this week, maybe next time.

        I’m not going to make it, but y’all have fun!

        I’m not available for that, thanks anyway.

        Thanks for thinking of me, but no.

        I try very hard not to tell lies because I found in was having a bad effect on me in several ways. And when I acknowledge that I don’t need to lie, it makes me more confident and in charge of my own choices.

    10. Lissa*

      Yes, and tbh I’m ok with people doing similar. I have a friend who has done things like, I’ll ask him if he wants to hang out and he’ll say “Nope, I don’t feel like it” or will cancel plans by “I woke up today and realized I’d rather just play video games, so I won’t be making it out.” Intellectually, I get it, but emotionally? Yeah, I wish he would just say “Sorry, I’m busy!” in the first example or cancel by saying “I woke up and really don’t feel that great, can we postpone dinner.” Radical honesty is great and all, but a bit of social smoothing honestly goes a long way. Makes me think a bit about that letter a couple days ago – I thought Alison’s examples to make emails sound less abrupt were great.

      1. Washi*

        Agree with all this. I’m an introvert with anxiety, and I would still be pretty offended if a friend turned down an offer to hang out/flaked with only “no, I don’t feel like it.” Standing alone like that, it’s just too close to “you and your feelings are not important to me.”

        That said, I will happily accept pretty much any kind of no if it’s followed by a counteroffer. “Ugh, sorry, I’ve had such a crazy week and I just need to recharge that night. But there’s an awesome event happening on the 25th, want to go?” = totally fine

        1. Washi*

          (I should add that I’m fine with people saying no to me in general! I’m just talking about the nos where the person technically could come but doesn’t want to.)

      2. CM*

        I think canceling is different and wrong, unless you really need to for your own well-being or some other reason that is unexpected and not typical. Just because you’re an introvert doesn’t mean you get to disappoint people to whom you’ve already made a commitment. If it turns out you’re both not feeling it, show up anyway and you can mutually decide to cut it short.

        Also, “I don’t feel like it” is harsh when someone is asking to spend time with you.

        It’s nicer, but not a white lie, to say, “I need some time to myself,” or “I can’t that night,” and MUCH nicer to follow that up with “but I’d love to see you sometime soon, how about next week?”

    12. fposte*

      Definitely depends on the person, but I’ve been inspired by a dear friend who’s also a colleague who simply says she’s blocked that time out for herself. I like the way that it puts the responsibility on the schedule rather than personal, either about her or the other person.

    13. Sylvan*

      Usually, no, but I did recently tell a friend I was busy when I was, in fact, going to take a nap… Can’t say I regret it.

    14. Traffic_Spiral*

      Nah. Lies are generally disrespectful and people know that you’re bullshitting them. Just “I feel like crap so I’m gonna nap,” “I’m peopled-out for the week – gonna hermit for a bit,” or “in the middle of a good book and want to see how it ends,” “trying to learn Parcheesi in order to impress a hottie” are all fine reasons and don’t offend people.

    15. ..Kat..*

      Well, my plan might be to have a glass of wine, eat chocolate, and go to bed early. Or my plan might be to do nothing. So, it is not a white lie (or any other color of lie). I have plans. You could also just say “I can not make it this time. Maybe next time. Thank you for inviting me.”

    16. matcha123*

      It depends on the dynamic I have with the friend in question.
      More of my friends seem fine being upfront about being too tired to go out or whatever. But since I know they aren’t just trying to avoid me, I feel fine doing the same when I’m not feeling the event or am too tired to go.

    17. Lady Kelvin*

      It depends, I have some friends where I can just say, “Nothing personal, I just don’t want to talk to anyone right now.” and they get it and we hang out some other time. I have others who never get it so I’m always busy. Case in point, I just got home from 2 weeks in Korea on Friday. As you can imagine my hubby and I just wanted to hang out together all day. Another coworker/acquaintance who really wants to be friends and was on that trip with me texted me (which I ignored) then texted my husband about going out for beers. When my husband answered, “Um I’m hanging out with my wife who has been gone for 2 weeks” his response was “Oh, I figured she would be asleep so we could hang out.” Uh no. He just gets white lies.

    18. Kuododi*

      Typically I will excuse myself with…” I’m sorry but I have other commitments.”. Now noone knows that my commitment might be to stay home and watch trashy Dr Phil reruns! Hope that helps!!!

    19. Marion Ravenwood*

      I used to. Now, not so much – I’m finding that ‘sorry, I can’t that day. Hope you have fun though!’ is enough 99 times out of 100.

  19. wingmaster*

    This past week, I realized it’s hard to have a social life after college and working 40 hours/wk. Moving back home, I only have my boyfriend. Everyone at work is super cool, but I’m waay younger than most of them. I recently downloaded the Bumble BFF and Meetup app. Hopefully I’ll have some luck. Maybe I’ll sign up for a fun class or get a gym membership. But yeah, I’m struggling to meet new people.

    1. Justin*

      Would say, gym, any social sports things (like zogsports) if you enjoy any such things (all are co-ed). Plan some outdoor festival/fair things, and also, just…. invite some folks?

      It’s easy for me to say now, 11 years later. I finished college and had no job/friends/things to do, so I up and left the hemisphere.

    2. Little Bean*

      This is so true. I’m not the kind of person who makes friends quickly and easily – I have to be thrown together with someone multiple times to slowly build the relationship before it really develops. The ONLY way I have ever made new friends since graduating college is: at work, in grad school, and my partner’s friends’ girlfriends/wives. So I agree that getting involved in regular activities is probably the easiest way to continually run into the same people until you work up the nerve to ask them to do something outside of said activity.

    3. Lissa*

      Let me know how Bumble BFF works for you! I have been considering trying it – I really miss having a female friend my age in the city. I do have a few people I see regularly but they are all dudes and/or quite a bit younger which is great! But there’s some things it’s just easier to talk to a woman who’s also seen some shit about.

      1. wingmaster*

        I’ve had about 8 matches so far. Talking to maybe 3 so far. I hope I can just at least meet 1 in person in the next month haha.

    4. The Person from the Resume*

      Meet-up worked for me. One group I joined made me two new friends at the one activity I went to. But I took initiative and friended them on FB before I left that meet up. Then I invited them to things.

      Another book club meetup yielded some new friends but once again I got contact info and invited them to things outside our monthly book club meeting.

      Meet-up or not I think you have to treat it like dating in asking for contact info if someone you like and putting yourself out there inviting g th to things and risking rejection. Once you’re no longer in school thrown together with people your age and with common activities (classes, clubs) you have to work harder to make friends.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        I agree. I’ve been on Meetup for almost three years and it’s only since January that I’ve met people I consider ‘proper’ friends through it. Granted part of that’s been me asking people to do stuff, which I don’t normally like to do because of the fear of rejection, but I think sometimes it just takes a few goes to find the people you truly click with and move past just being acquaintances.

  20. seems to the weekend for kittens*

    So I raised a litter of orphan kittens (feral mama had them in an old window well, which then flooded. I heard them crying & pulled them out). I’m actually sortof proud that I managed to not only keep everyone alive & healthy, they didn’t develop any of the bad habits common in bottle fed kittens. They groom themselves, are 100% solid on litterbox, don’t try to nurse or chew on people or other pets, etc

    So what’s the problem?

    Biggest glut of homeless cats & kittens ever here. The shelters are completely overwhelmed & literally having trouble giving away animals. I already had 2 dogs & a cat. Adding 5 more cats seems insane. I have a big house but live in a part of town where it is definitely not safe for them to go outside. I’ve had this many cats in the past, but it was always when I lived out in the country & had a pet door so they spent more time outside than in.

    Ugh!

    1. Ali G*

      It’s called Kitten Season for a reason! Thanks for taking them in. Do you have a NextDoor or other community online site you can post them? Rescues are definitely not going to take them so your best bet is to find them homes yourself. What happened to momma?

      1. Kittens*

        yeah…this year’s kitten season produced at least triple what they’ve ever seen on kitten season before. I won’t place them through a relatively anonymous method like craigslist or nextdoor….people are WAY too prone to lying on there. If I can’t do it through a rescue, my vet, or someone I know I’ll keep them. The rescues will take them…they just are quite likely to live more or less indefinitely in the shelter and I won’t do that to them.

        Mama is one of the most trap-smart feral cats I’ve ever seen. She’s still around outside and I’m sure I’ll get her eventually. I’ve been working to TNR all the ferals around my house but it’s slow going. Easier in the winter when they have fewer options for food and are more willing to risk entering the traps. When I first started, I was using the time-proven technique of feeding them in dummy traps for weeks before actually setting them but then I found out that the neighbor up the road traps them & then drowns them so I don’t want them to be relaxed about entering traps. (Yes, I’ve reported the neighbor. No, it didn’t change anything except him being sneakier about it and putting out more poison. Yes, I think he’s an evil human being.)

        1. Ali G*

          Wow that’s crazy! I hope you can get her fixed. It’s a never ending battle. Your neighbor is a jerk, but you knew that.
          One other thing – have you tried offering to foster them for a rescue? They can list them and do the screening for you and then if some time goes by and they aren’t adopted you can adopt them? That might help offset the spay/neuter and other costs you would have to pay for otherwise.

        2. Melody Pond*

          OMG, terrible, awful neighbor! Also, not-that-smart neighbor – clearly he doesn’t know that TNR is proven to be the most effective method for reducing the feral cat population. Doing what he’s doing just clears up space for new, still-fertile cats to move into the same spaces and continue using the food in the area for more population growth. :-/

    2. Trixie*

      Thank you for taking them in. Would be great if local outfit could help with spay/neutering. There is a great Twitter feed, @ParisZarcilla, who more recently chronicles his life since a stray cat had kittens under his bed. He’s a writer to boot so it’s pretty damn funny. #CatDad

    3. nonegiven*

      I had luck with Craigslist. I had people call or text from as far as an hour and a half drive away, then come and pick up. Pictures help.

    4. Persimmons*

      Contact a rescue anyway, but explain that you’re willing to foster. That will take some pressure off them (to find room) but will give you access to their contacts/resources and they can post the kittens to their site/Petfinder.

      I’ve done this several times, and even sweetened the pot by covering the vet care myself. The group was very glad to help, because I did all the work and absorbed the costs while they kept the adoption fees.

      1. nep*

        A few things. Celery is said to have a lot of good nutrients. I don’t like celery enough to make it a regular part of my diet; juicing it gets me those nutrients. (I eat a lot of fresh vegetables and fruits, so it’s just celery I’m juicing.)
        My digestive system seems to be working better. I feel leaner.
        Mood swings tend to be easing…I’m calmer, more even keel–though a bit early to say whether it’s due to the juice.
        And if nothing else, just the habit of drinking celery juice first thing on an empty stomach and waiting to eat or drink anything else has been really good for me; it’s helped me get rid of a couple of bad habits I had.

    2. Trixie*

      I’m tempting to try juicing but the juicers look to be an investment. May I ask what branch you use and like? I also wonder if I would diligent about using pulp in baked goods or soups.

      1. nep*

        You can also use a blender–just pour through a strainer. (I’ve also seen it strained using a nut-milk bag.) I’ve not made it w the blender but from what I’ve read/seen, comes out just fine.
        A relative gave us a Jack LaLanne centrifugal juicer ages ago, and it was collecting dust on the shelf. So it’s not the latest, top-of-the-line model but it does the job.
        I’ve used the pulp a few times, trying crackers and once made a sort of frittata. I don’t bake, but I can see how the pulp could be useful in baked goods. Also fine to compost.

    3. WS*

      A health note for anyone considering theis: celery is a diuretic and also contains coumarin, so if you have any heart or kidney issues, or take blood thinners, or have low blood pressure, check with your doctor before consuming more than small amounts of celery.

  22. StrikingFalcon*

    I’ve developed a stricture (narrowing due to swelling) in my small intestine. I’m looking for suggestions for easy recipes I can make while it heals, especially high protein ones. Since there’s a risk of it getting blocked, I’m not allowed nuts (but nut butter is ok), seeds, kernels, whole beans/corn/peas (puréed or flour made from those ok), raw foods, or crunchy foods. I’ve also not been able to tolerate meat. I fortunately have no trouble with dairy or gluten. Thanks!

    1. Utoh!*

      How about paleo shakes? I’ve been having them to lose weight but they may fit your needs. You can just Google the infinite number of recipes.

      1. nd*

        Yep, use a high-quality protein powder to make sure you get your protein needs met. I like Pure Paleo by Designs for Health.

    2. Princess of Pure Reason*

      I like to make creamy polenta with a poached egg on top. You can always adjust the texture of the polenta to be more or less firm, if you add cheese to it there’s some protein along with the egg, and it’s versatile – polenta can be used many ways, and made savory or sweet, so you’re not stuck eating the same thing over and over, it’s a good base for additions.

    3. Ranon*

      Refried beans, pureed bean & lentil based soups & stress (split pea soup, a lot of dals are or can be pureed, hummus? Maybe frittatas/ quiche/ other egg things if you’re careful with fillings?

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Budget Bytes has some great lentil soup recipes. The coconut lentil soup is awesome. I think there’s another one with pumpkin.

    4. Hannah*

      Can you eat eggs? A cheese/spinach omelet or quiche?

      Pureed bean soups, peanut butter and banana smoothies. A homemade macaroni and cheese.

      What about something like a broccoli and cheese casserole? (The kind of thing made with rice, cheese, broccoli that gets very well cooked, and usually some kind of Cream of Something soup or cream soup substitute).

      And if all else fails…milkshakes!

    5. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      What about pasta salad with cooked/chilled veggies? Not sure if you could do canned tuna since you said no meat, but maybe marinated tofu for protein? Or flour tortilla wraps with hummus, roasted red peppers, and a higher protein cheese like halloumi?

    6. Camellia*

      When I was having some extensive dental work done over a period of months and would often go two or more weeks unable to chew pretty much anything, my pharmacist recommended Ensure. There are several formulas and flavors. I always chose the ones high in protein. I tried all the flavors and the only one I could tolerate was the strawberry and it had to be very cold, but it did the trick. Of course, my mouth and jaws were so painful that I had no appetite and was able to get by on these and pretty much nothing else, but I ended this period at a better weight and actually much healthier than before, so yay!

      Weird side note: Even though the strawberry looked and smelled kind of like plastic, my cats were insane for it! They would literally grab and pull at my arm, trying to get at it! So I tried pouring a tiny bit into the cap and offered it to the most insistent one and she lapped it up and clawed me trying to get more. When I would crank open a bottle of it, they would come running.

  23. Ann Furthermore*

    I’d just like to thank everyone for their kind words last weekend. I posted about having to say goodbye to our sweet old-lady dog Sadie.

    I took her on Saturday, and spent some time with her beforehand. I wasn’t able to be with her when it happened, which I was upset about. The only place that was able to do it was the humane society, and they are not set up for you to be with your pet during the procedure. Our regular vet didn’t have any appointments available until today, and we just didn’t want to wait that long because poor Sadie was in a pretty bad way and we didn’t want to prolong her suffering. I asked my husband to make the appointment because I work in a completely open office and I knew I’d get emotional if I called. He called a few places, and that was the only option, other than the animal clinic we used a few years ago when we had to put our other dog to sleep, and the vet there completely messed up the procedure, so it was pretty awful. We didn’t want to go back there. I was able to spend a few minutes with her afterwards and say my last goodbyes, so that was something.

    Anyway, last weekend was rough, but I’m thankful that Sadie is at peace now and no longer in any pain. And thanks again to everyone for all the kind thoughts. It helped.

    1. nep*

      Oh, Ann. So sorry for your loss, and that you weren’t able to work it out where you could be with her in the moment. But it’s yet another beautiful sacrifice you made for her, seeking out a place so she wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.
      Big hug and be kind to yourself.

    2. Monty's Mom*

      I’m so sorry for your loss! I went through that in April and it sucked, even though it was the right thing because she was suffering. I’ll be thinking of you, and sending a prayer your way.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      So very sorry. Sometimes the most loving gesture there is the willingness to let go. It can be the highest form of love.
      Take care of you.

    5. Kuododi*

      My dear…you, Ms Sadie and all your beloveds are in my heart. May the Holy One bless, preserve and keep you all from this time forth and always.

    7. Bibliovore*

      I am so sorry for your loss. It is the hardest. We are thinking of you. I have an old lady dog and I know that everyone here understands when the time comes.

  24. Augusta Sugarbean*

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a microphone and wind muff for an iPhone? When we go on vacation, I like to make recordings of outdoor white noise (rivers, crickets, frogs, birds, etc.) This is strictly amateur and just for my own entertainment so I don’t want to spend a huge amount of money but maybe $100? I’m in the US if that matters. Thank you!

    1. Mimmy*

      I would be forever grateful to whoever invented this. That sound when the wind goes over the microphone drives me batty!

    2. WS*

      It’s really cheap and easy to make your own! Get a piece of fake fur (off an old stuffed toy is good), put blu-tack or similar around but not on the mike, and stick it on. It looks silly (and is called a “dead cat”!) but it works.

      1. Augusta Sugarbean*

        Thanks for the suggestion. I have actually started going through my fabric stash to see if I have something to make something close enough to suffice. I don’t have fake fur but I’m stitched up a piece of polar fleece type material to see if that would work. I’ll swing by the fabric store and see if they have any fake fur in their scrap bins. Cheers!

  25. Jessen*

    Oh hey look my work unblocked askamanager finally!

    They seem to have generally decided that allowing us to access blogs is pretty harmless.

  26. Jessen*

    Anyway, now that I can get here from work…what’s the biggest adulting tip you’d want to give to your younger self? Not necessarily big fancy revelations, just small tips. (This is outgrowing from my talk about organizing and realizing if 3 trash cans and a shoe mat by the door keeps things under control, that’s just fine.)

    1. Laura H.*

      More money related but periodically taking stock of your obligations and either having them “split” between your pay periods, or paying it all the moment you can and being flexible about that month to month as needed has been incredibly helpful for me.

      But definitely check your obligated spending periodically. It helps avoid sticker shock as it were.

      1. Jessen*

        Yeah, I’ve been struggling with the “time=money” – or really “energy=money” thing. I have a giant list of things to do to save money and I’m realizing that working a full time job, going to college, cooking every meal at home, hemming and mending my own clothes, handwashing things at home…you get the idea. I ran out of energy.

    2. StrikingFalcon*

      Clean a little everyday, rather than everything all at once. If you get something half put away a little one day and a little the next day, you’ll get more done than if you wait until you have time/energy/motivation to do it all in one go. Also, make it easier on yourself to do things! If I’m more likely to wipe down the bathroom sinks if there’s a bottle of cleaner under every sink, rather than having to get one out of the closet upstairs, then that’s a small change to make to have clean sinks.

      1. Jessen*

        Oh yeah I think that was what I was doing with the trash cans. I now have 2 in the bathroom, 1 in the kitchen, and 1 at my desk/table (a proper latching kitchen style one that can take food without it being accessible to naughty little paws). Good idea about the cleaners – I’ve been using plain white vinegar for most tasks so I could probably just stick bottles of that everywhere. And maybe some more paper towel holders.

      2. Roja*

        Or, if I can counterpoint to this–not as contradicting you, StrikingFalcon, but to provide another perspective–don’t feel bad if you set one time to clean and then just do it. Cleaning every day does NOT work for me, because I feel like it’s a never-ending to-do list item that I never complete. So I set one day a week to tidy, vacuum, and clean the bathroom (~30 minutes for me). Kitchen stuff is done as needed, and other deeper cleaning chores are on a rotating schedule. It works because the house is pretty well decluttered and there’s a few systems in place to keep tidy what would otherwise be messy (mail, books).

        Basically, get yourself on a schedule of some kind and stick to it. If you’re like me, wanting things done but never “finding the time,” put everything you want done on a written rotating schedule (I have monthly, quarterly, and yearly sections) and DO IT. It winds up going pretty fast because you get in a routine. I have a dozen tasks on my monthly list and it takes me only two hours–so that’s two hours of deep cleaning per month, and everything stays very clean and very organized.

    3. Be the Change*

      Heh. If he (or she) needs more than six months to make up his mind, walk away. Your number may vary, the point is don’t be strung along.

      1. Jessen*

        I’ve never had the sort of traditional problems people have with money. All the times I’ve had problems with money, it’s been a case of “rent+food+medicine>paycheck.” Which is…not really something most financial literacy really addresses. I get frustrated with most of the stuff that’s supposed to teach people financial literacy, because it seems to just assume you can definitely clear all your basic needs and have decent amount of money left over, and if you don’t meet that you can just go out and get a second job or something. And I’ve often not found that to be true in life.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Actually, I think that IS becoming a more traditional personal finance problem. This is why I liked Elizabeth Warren’s personal finance book, “All Your Worth”. It provided advice for how to deal with that kind of problem. She understood that putting her advice into action might be difficult or really uncomfortable/painful to pull off – but she still urged following the advice, because the other option is basically drowning in debt.

      1. Candy*

        How would you buy plane tickets and rent cars and book hotels and set up a hydro bill in a new apartment without a credit card?

          1. REAR mech*

            Not always practical since hotels and car rentals will put $200-$500+ hold on your bank account until the rental has ended, if not longer. You need a large balance in your checking account to use debit. I’ve also seen crazy extra requirements for renting cars with debit – multiple proofs of address, etc

            1. LJay*

              Yeah, hotels and everything else I’ve always been fine on, but rental cars are a royal pain in the ass with debit.

      2. Washi*

        Is it difficult to build credit without a credit card? As someone in their late 20s whose only other credit activity is paying off student loans, I always thought I had to have a credit card to have a decent credit score.

        1. Melody Pond*

          You only need a credit score if you’re planning on buying things on credit.

          Which, admittedly, you might want to be able to buy a house someday. But other than a house, there’s nothing I’d ever borrow money to buy.

          I don’t currently have any credit cards (Mr. Pond bought a condo, which was largely possible through the VA loan, so no urgent need for credit building), but if I were going to get one again, I would absolutely never use it outside of the program Mvelopes. Mvelopes connects to credit card accounts and checking accounts in such a way, that when you spend money on your credit card, Mvelopes makes you treat it like you paid for it with your checking account/debit card. So that when the bill comes, you have exactly the right amount of money available for the bill.

          1. REAR mech*

            most people who urgently need a reliable car are going to have to spend 8-15k.. I think financing part or all of the car cost is safer and more financially responsible than obliterating your liquid savings. If you have 25k in savings yeah sure drop 10k for a car.

          2. Jessen*

            I’ve usually had my credit checked when I had to rent an apartment or getting services set up there.

          3. Gaia*

            No, sorry. Every place I’ve ever rented has pulled my credit and back when I had no credit it was near impossible to get approved to rent.

          4. Courageous cat*

            Hmm… I’ve had my credit score checked for a number of things that didn’t involve buying on credit. Renting apartments comes to mind?

        2. Lily Evans*

          Credit cards aren’t inherently evil, you just have to be smart about how you use them and what kind of card you get. Read all of the information about the card first, know how they charge fees, know the interest rate, and shop around for a card that fits your life and has a good rewards system. My parents taught me to only spend money I actually have and that’s always worked for me. If you only spend the amount you can pay off each month and don’t go overboard you’ll be fine. Plus it helps build your credit to make payments consistently every month and some cards have really good money back or travel rewards.

          1. ThatGirl*

            I’ve successfully used credit cards since age 20, have had car loans, store cards, have a mortgage and a spotless credit score. Because we pay our cards in full each month and don’t overspend. It’s a tool, and not one everyone wants to use or can use responsibly. Which is fine, but I’d never say “don’t use credit” as a blanket rule.

          2. Falling Diphthong*

            *sigh* I got a credit card (probably college?) which I paid off in full every month. After that, when we were young and poor, we occasionally floated a balance for 2 months or so, e.g. family vacation or the time a company went out of business without paying me. I enthused to my mom how useful it was as a tool for things like ordering online, and so she got one. For my parents, not a good idea.

            Encouraged oldest child to get a credit card midway through college to start to build a credit score for the things cited here, renting apartments and car loans. Will encourage youngest similarly.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              Adding: When daughter was getting a card I looked at a lot of card reward systems, and outside of Discover’s cash back (which is what she ultimately went with) things like the great travel offers had requirements like spending $8000 in the first 1 or 2 months to trigger the rewards. If I had that much in savings and it was targeted to, say, refurnishing the house or a big trip, maybe I could hit that level of spending, but it would take a concentrated, deliberate effort.

              1. Lily Evans*

                Yeah, some of the better rewards cards also require you to already have a good credit score. It’s really great that you helped her with researching that type of thing! I’ve known a lot of people my age who just sign up for cards that sound great without reading the fine print and end up being charged ridiculous fees.

            2. Book Lover*

              Yes, I got one with my mother when I was 16, so I could get gas for the car. It was also what I used in university to buy books and food. I never spent too much, never carried a balance, and got my own card once I finished university and had a regular salary. I plan to do the same with my son. I have always bought cars with cash, but I had a mortgage on my first two houses and couldn’t have done that without a credit history.

              Personally, I find a credit card much safer than a debit card – I have had to cancel multiple cards in the past due to someone getting the number and making purchases and I would much rather that money not come out of my bank account – it can take ages for the bank to refund it, I have been told by friends who use debit cards.

              1. Lily Evans*

                Your second paragraph is a big reason I use my credit card significantly more often than my debit card.

                1. Washi*

                  Yeah, this is why I ended up getting a credit card a year ago, despite being nervous about it. When my debit card was stolen and had hundreds of dollars of fraudulent charges that was…not good.

                  But yeah, I just treat it like a debit card and don’t spend money I don’t have, so I appreciate everyone’s perspectives on the utility of doing that!

        3. Marion Ravenwood*

          I’d say it depends. I’m in the UK so things might be different elsewhere, but when we were buying our house the fact my husband didn’t have a credit card meant his credit score was a little lower than mine. He got one, which he doesn’t use very often, but it did meant we had more potential options for our mortgage once he did.

          I agree that it’s about sensible spending on them though. I was brought up with the attitude that credit cards are the work of the devil, and I have had some sticky issues with them in the past. The one I have is recommended for spending abroad, so now I hide it in my ‘holiday purse’ (basically that card and my EHIC) and only get said purse out when we go away. I also have the card set up to pay in full every month which helps.

      4. Gaia*

        I don’t think this is really necessary or practical if you want to have access to credit (to like…buy a house one day or hell even rent an apartment or get a job). I tend to recommend you never charge something on a credit card you can’t immediately pay in full (and then do so the day it posts). This way you get the benefit of the card (rewards, good credit rating, etc) without ever paying interest.

      5. The New Wanderer*

        Alternately, get only a few credit cards and make sure if there’s a fee that the benefits you use outweigh the fee. (Benefits sound great but if you don’t end up using the frequent flyer miles or whatever, it’s lost money.)

        Also, watch the limits and interest rates if you have to carry any debt – card promotions aimed at college students might have a nifty $50 bonus for signing up, but if the interest rate is 30% (or otherwise super-high), you’re going to do poorly in the long run.

      6. Courageous cat*

        I would change this to get a credit card and use it responsibly. If you can’t use it responsibly, make a couple purchases on it, pay them off, then cut them up. Leave that line of credit open.

        How are you going to build your credit without a credit card?

      7. ccs*

        Horrendous advice for adults! Building credit is so important. Also there’s nothing inherently bad about credit cards – don’t spend money you don’t have. I put every penny I spend on credit cards and reap amazing benefits in the form of free flights, cash back rewards, and other perks.

        1. Gaia*

          It takes a lot of discipline to do this, so I don’t typically recommend it for everyone (at least not when they are first starting out). But if you can do it, it is a great way to save some real money!

      8. Nye*

        Most rental car agencies now require a credit card to rent a car – they will not accept a debit card even if it has a Visa / etc logo. This is why I finally got a CC. However, I’ve found it really useful in other ways. I don’t use it for credit per se, since I pay it off every month, but it’s great for keeping all my purchase records in one place and I get rewards.

        Having a credit card makes life easier (car rentals, hotels, unexpected expenses, building credit, etc). We live in a world that assumes adults have at least one CC. They’re only a problem if you let them be.

    6. Washi*

      Sometimes it can save you money to get the nicer versions of things. I used to get the cheapest version of everything, but now (partly because I have more of a financial cushion) I spend a little more on shoes and pans and other things that get a lot of wear, and they last so much longer!

    7. Doloris Van Cartier*

      I think the one smallish tip I could tell my younger self is that you are your best advocate in life, even with the small stuff. You can say no to friends if you don’t want to go out that evening, if you need a second opinion from a doctor you can get one and you don’t have to worry about hurt feelings, you can (nicely) stand up for yourself with people even on the small stuff like with your internet provider.

      1. Jessen*

        The “nicely” is hard for me. I’m kind of used to an environment where standing up for yourself is considered impolite no matter what. So it’s hard to judge how to stand up for yourself nicely, because the standard I learned for nice is “nice people don’t ever imply that someone else might possibly be wrong about anything ever.”

        1. Doloris Van Cartier*

          I struggle with that as well. If someone tells me no, I just want to run away at that moment but I’ve found that being willing to stick it out and figure out a solution can lead to results. Not everytime but enough that I’m willing to keep trying.

    8. matcha123*

      – Don’t be afraid to tell friends and others that you don’t have the budget for (insert thing here)
      – Make a secret bank account for yourself
      – Learn how to date
      – Your voice also has value, be willing to speak up and out when needed.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Or go with a more loose definition of dating: If you promise yourself something, FOLLOW UP. This could be a trip, a soak in a warm tub or a weekend with friends. Make a commitment (a date) for putting enjoyable things in your life.

          1. Jessen*

            Oh goodness I like that. And it reminds me I have a friend date or two (that needs to be a phrase) to schedule. Enough of “sometime”!

        2. matcha123*

          I know that feeling. I think you’ve mentioned you identify as aesexual. I thought that might apply to me for a bit, but I also feel like labels are more of a burden to me. Other people find them freeing?
          Since I would like to have someone, a long-term boyfriend at least, learning how to navigate dating has been incredibly hard for me. I wasn’t allowed to date in school or to have much contact with boys. The whole, “touching a stranger sexually soon after meeting them” is a huge turn-off for me. And shouting “I have a bf!!” from the rooftops also makes me very uncomfortable.

          But, I think that learning how to navigate various situations (whether it be dating or making new friends or chatting with strangers/coworkers) is a valuable experience. And I am still pushing myself to find what works for me. I enjoy my alone time, but I don’t want to just be in my little apartment forever, if you catch my drift?

          1. Jessen*

            I don’t know how much I particularly like the label, but I guess I find it an easy shorthand. I feel like people’s default assumption is that if you don’t want to date/marry it’s because there’s some sort of problem in your life. I find saying “I’m asexual” easier than “I don’t want to date or get married, no I don’t have social anxiety, no I don’t think this is an after-effect of trauma, no I don’t think I just haven’t met the right one, and for goodness’s sake NO I AM NOT GOING TO JUST GIVE YOU A CHANCE!”

            1. Jessen*

              (That last bit is aimed at a certain sector of the male population I tend to have issues with. I’ve had too many cases of some guy trying to talk me into “giving him a chance” because he’s a nice guy and I don’t know what I’m missing out on and all that, and it gets tiring and frequently turns nasty when I don’t give in.)

              1. Someone Else*

                Literally, if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it’s when you run into that person who is expressing interest in you and you are not and they say “give it a chance”, RUN. Run like fucking hell and do not even consider it or stick around for seconds. Go very far away from any person who thinks that’s a good tack.

        3. caledonia*

          @ jessen – I thought this thread was for what advice we would give our younger selves…not just you?

          1. Jessen*

            Blah, yeah, that’s been a confusion. I guess where I am that’s sort of an idiomatic way of someone asking for advice, so it’s usually just understood “advice you’d give your younger self” isn’t actually literally just advice you’d give your younger self. That apparently did not come across here.

            1. caledonia*

              Would this be a non-English country because it doesn’t make sense for an English speaking one.

      2. Jessen*

        I definitely struggle with the last one though. I’ve had a lot in my life of, if you speak up it means you’re nasty or you’re just being entitled or something. It’s hard to judge when I should because I’m used to any time I speak up being labelled as nasty and vicious.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Well, AAM and other advice sites (like Ask Amy) have good scripts for how to politely/professionally/reasonably stand up for yourself. These scripts have helped me immensely. Captain Awkward, too. And then, if people want to have feelings about this, let them. Just acknowledge that they have feelings, don’t let their feelings manipulate you into capitulating, and move on.

          1. ..Kat..*

            “I am sorry you feel that way” is my good go to response for when people call me names like nasty and viscous. Calling me names is their move to try and manipulate me.

            1. WS*

              Yes, I work in healthcare and often have to deal with people who are (quite reasonably) emotional and anxious. This works well as an acknowledgement without giving in to anything, especially if what they want is actually illegal or impossible.

        2. matcha123*

          Yep. I have always tried to be the “good girl.” I don’t want my friends to feel like I am entitled, but I think that that has led to some of them feeling entitled to my attention, and then ignoring me when I need theirs. I try to remind myself that if I have a meh or bad interaction with someone every once and a while, but overall we have positive interactions, I should feel fine with that.
          And if someone is going to get angry at me for saying, “Actually, I prefer to keep my Friday off and not switch with Joe,” then, well…let them be angry.

    9. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Think I’ve posted this before, always bears repeating:
      Some things from movies don’t translate to real life. Don’t tell a love interest “I love you” after knowing them for eight days, even though they do it in movies after an hour and 36 minutes. It’s a surefire way to freak someone out!

      1. Jessen*

        …I think I need a giant “asexual” sign here. :)

        Seriously, usually my struggle has been the opposite. I’m single, but I don’t really consider myself available. And I often feel like I’m living in a society where the default assumption is that your needs for companionship are to be fulfilled by a romantic partner, and anyone over 25 who doesn’t have a romantic partner must be in immediate want of one.

        1. kc89*

          well you didn’t ask what would you tell Jessen you asked what would you tell your younger self, so you can just skip the comments that don’t make sense for you as an asexual

          1. Jessen*

            I know, I know. Still, I find it useful to mention sometimes because it does change things – and I think the “what would you tell your younger self” is a pretty common linguistic convention for someone younger asking older people what would be useful for said younger person to know, rather than a strictly literal question. I like to mention when something doesn’t necessarily apply because a lot of people like to build off of what other people say.

            Internet tone is hard.

              1. Jessen*

                The idiom I’m used to is kind of both? So it would be things that you wish you knew when you were younger, but it also carries the idea of things that you think would be useful to the person you’re talking to. It’s looking like the idiom is rather more localized than I realized.

                1. nep*

                  Yeah–I’ve never heard of an idiom like this. While there will be some common threads, most responses will be individual by definition because everyone’s childhood and growing-up experience is unique.

          2. Jessen*

            In retrospect, the linguistic convention appears to have not been as common as I thought.

            Around where I’m used to, “what you would tell your younger self” is an idomatic way of asking “what advice would you have for the younger person you are speaking to that you didn’t learn until you were older.” That is apparently a less commonly understood meaning than I thought, and I apologize.

            1. Tau*

              Personally, I think the idiom only makes sense if it’s clear that you are a young person who is seeking advice. So if you’d said, for example, “Hey, I’m eighteen and heading to college this fall where I’m going to be living on my own for the first time. What advice would you give your younger self if you could?” it’s going to be tacitly understood that you’re looking for advice that would be useful to you, and the answers will be aimed that way. The way you phrased it makes it sound like a general “what did you learn during your adulthood which you wish you’d known to start?” question, which is going to get much more personal answers. Compounding this: I think the AAM commentariat tends older – I know my default age assumption tends to be mid-late twenties or upwards – so if people are to know you’re on the younger side you need to make that explicit.

              1. Jessen*

                Fair. I really wish this side had an “edit comment” button right about now.

                I am probably older than most asking, but I feel like I’ve spent most of my adulthood kind of in a bubble and then went to dealing with major medical issues where I basically couldn’t do anything but deal with them. And I’m realizing in the last 6 months that my model of adulthood is pretty much entirely based off of my mother’s teaching, and that my mother is an incredibly toxic person and the idea of adult I learned has absorbed a massive amount of toxicity. So I’m kind of giving myself a fresh start on adulting, if that makes sense, because I’m realizing the way I’ve been doing it has been pretty much all about trying to meet other people’s expectations and that hasn’t done me any favors.

          1. Jessen*

            That was sort of the idea? Maybe that’s just a local thing – the places I’ve hung out usually “tips for your younger self” doesn’t usually literally mean “tips for your younger self”, it means something along the lines of “things you learned later that would have been useful to you or others you know if you’d known them when younger, and that you think would be useful to the younger person you’re speaking to.” That may not be as universal a thing as I thought, it seems.

            1. Lissa*

              It just seems like you’re responding to the tips about dating as though the person shouldn’t be suggesting them, because you personally are asexual, but the original post was framed more as “things you’d tell your own younger self” so it’ll be stuff that might apply to them personally – nothing is really universal to everyone, so people are going to reply with what they would’ve personally found useful. At least, that’s certainly how I would take the question.

              1. Jessen*

                Huh. I guess where I am it’s more…I’m not sure how to explain it exactly, but it’s one of those conventions where the way it’s literally framed isn’t how you’re supposed to understand it. It’s not quite an idiom but something very similar, more of a common sort of social framing for giving/receiving advice. I guess it’s not as common a way of putting it as I thought!

              2. Falling Diphthong*

                This. If you wanted advice that would only fit certain narrow specific circumstances unique to you, then “what advice would you give your younger self” isn’t the way to elicit it.

                1. Jessen*

                  Kind of wish I could edit the post now. I’m used to “what advice would you give your younger self” being an idiomatic way of asking for advice for the speaker – where I am it’s not really the kind of thing that people would interpret as asking a literal question. I’m realizing now that’s apparently not a universal thing and I didn’t realize how it would come across.

        3. ..Kat..*

          People are becoming more open and accepting of lgbtq issues and people. Maybe asexuality will be next. I hope so.

          1. Tau*

            It’s already changed significantly since I was a teenager, and a lot of it for the better. (Back then, asexuality was basically entirely unknown and stating you were asexual was bound to get you lots of “huh? that’s not possible. Asexuality doesn’t exist. You’re repressing/a late bloomer/gay and in the closet/haven’t found the right person yet/etc.”) Here’s hoping the trend continues.

          2. Les G*

            I hope so too, but let’s push back on the idea that the dating advice folks are sharing wouldn’t work for an asexual person. Clearly, they don’t work for the OP, but plenty of asexuals do date and get married. OP is doing that thing a lot of us probably did when we were her age, where she thinks her own experience is the only one that counts. By the way, not doing that would be my advice to my younger self (both in the real sense and in the OP’s known-only-to-her idiomatic sense)

            1. Jessen*

              I’ve always had a lot of trouble thinking of things that could be relevant for other people to know when I’m talking about my own situations – like, I know on some level that these things are true, but my brain fails at bringing up the relevant bits of information at the right time. I’ve never really found a good way of dealing with that; it’s almost impossible for me to figure out what someone else would consider the relevant info without some form of dialogue where I say something and then they respond and then I respond back with the info that would have been relevant but didn’t cross my mind at the time. And I think that can be hard to do in internet tone sometimes without coming across as being difficult.

              The whole sexuality thing in this thread’s kind of been that way – like, I literally didn’t think about it when I posted, but the first time someone else mentioned it I realized, well of course that would be a big thing to other people, I should probably add that in. Same thing now that one or two other people mentioned that some asexual people do date and get married – now that you say that I realize that of course I knew that was true, I just didn’t think of it when I was posting because I was trying to explain something about myself and my brain failed to connect that bit of information.

    10. Foreign Octopus*

      That you can handle whatever comes your way if you just solve one problem at a time.

      I would get overwhelmed by everything and it would drive me to tears and sleepless nights but then I read The Martian by Andy Weir (that classic self-help book) and the character in it talked about solving one problem at a time. Honestly – revolutionary for me. It’s really changed my approach to life.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Don’t underestimate the value of fiction for giving people clues about what something looks like in practice. (It’s like the flip side of Librarian’s advice, which I think is also valuable.)

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Go outside your comfort zone. Try it. You can always retreat back into your comfort zone if it doesn’t work.

      Example: People who had a lot of social anxiety when young who, around college age, forced themselves to go endure social gatherings as they arose. In their 30s, when this stuff came up–like an SO’s best friend’s wedding, or a work event–they could find it somewhere between fun and a useful adult skill they could deploy as needed. Like driving.

      Or to paraphrase some dating advice columnists: To become interesting, you need to go out there and do some things.

      1. Jessen*

        Ehh…I’ve honestly never struggled with social anxiety that much. My main problem with social life seems to be more that it seems like the only people at my age who are trying for a social life are those that are desperately trying to find a date, and I don’t like being in environments where there’s a heavy emphasis on people pairing or being paired up. I also can have some problems with being a people pleaser and feeling like people will hate me if I ever say no, or conversely if they tell me no on something that it means they hate me forever.

        Maybe there’s other stuff, but I’ve really only heard “comfort zone” type talk deployed in terms of social anxiety sort of stuff. I tend to be more on the extroverted side and the main struggle I’ve had is managing to find social outlets for those between college and retired ages that aren’t either primarily about kids or primarily about dating.

        1. Photographer*

          People are giving themselves advice, which is what you asked for. You’re coming across as a bit disagreeable when chanllenging people’s goodwilled responses.

          1. Jessen*

            I’m sorry, I guess there’s been a miscommunication.

            Where I am, “advice you’d give to your younger self” is an idomatic way of asking for advice for yourself, rather than a literal request for advice the speaker would have given to themselves. I thought other people would interpret it that way as well, so in that context it would make sense to be more detailed in response to advice about why certain things would/wouldn’t work for you personally.

            I’m realizing now that idiom didn’t come across to everyone, and my apologies!

            1. Dear liza dear liza*

              So you want people to give advice to your younger self? I’m not sure that’s possible. We have no way of knowing what you know now.

              Not trying to be negative, just explaining why some of us are confused.

              1. Jessen*

                Essentially. I guess the way I’m seeing it is, I’m looking for things that you think might be useful. Some might not end up being useful, and I’ll mention that so people have more background information, because I’m not very good at thinking up in advance what people might find relevant. I’ll try to respond to useful stuff as well and mention maybe what I’m thinking or how it might work.

                As far as the asexuality thing, I’m not at all upset that people brought up dating advice! Y’all don’t know everything about me and it’s perfectly reasonable, and that might not have been a bad thing to include in the original post but I totally didn’t think of it then, so all I can do is post followup comments.

            2. ThatGirl*

              Plus, not to pick on you, but until you announced it nobody would’ve known you were ace, or that you didn’t date, since some ace people do still have romantic relationship. Generally people default to their own experiences and base advice on that. Nobody meant to give you advice that didn’t apply.

              1. Lily Evans*

                Yeah, if you want advice applicable to your current situation it’s helpful to actually give people some background on your current situation up front.

                1. Jessen*

                  The trouble for me is I literally don’t think “this is a thing people would find it useful to know” until someone mentions something relevant. I didn’t even think of the topic of dating as at all relevant when I posted this, even though in retrospect it’s obviously something many people would find relevant. So when people started posting I was trying to go back and add the information that I don’t date, and I kind of feel like there’s no good way to do that always?

                2. Lily Evans*

                  I mean even without the dating advice and if you had asked the question specifically for you, you’re always going to get a mix of advice that is just on point and advice that won’t work for you. For the most part people give advice from a place of kindness, so unless it’s dangerous there’s no reason to challenge it. Just say thank you and carry on. Especially since this isn’t a thread that only you will read, plenty of other people will find the dating advice relevant to their lives.

              2. Jessen*

                Oh I certainly don’t think anyone meant to give me advice that didn’t apply! It’s just that it didn’t occur to me that that would be a relevant thing to mention until people started giving me advice on it, so I wanted to kind of add in that that’s a thing that’s not relevant once it started coming up.

                I’m really not very good at thinking in advance about what details other people might find relevant, so I tend to more put updates like that in afterwards when someone points things out. And AAM doesn’t let you edit the original post.

        2. Lily Evans*

          Part of being friends with people is that sometimes you’re forced to listen to them talk about things you’re not particularly interested in talking about (and vice versa). Expecting everyone you hang out with to never talk about their dating lives just feels like overkill. Most people who are nice and who want to stay friends with you will back off when you say that you’re not personally interested in sex or dating, but dating is a big part of people’s lives and it’s a normal thing for friends to talk about.

          1. Jessen*

            I’m thinking more that I’m finding that when I’m looking for friends, I’m finding that other people my own age are evaluating me as a potential dating partner and aren’t interested in making friends. And it can be kind of fraught rejecting people; I’ve found that “I just don’t want to date” is often not very well accepted and it can be very fraught being a woman turning down romantic overtures when you’re known to be single. Even outside of that, I’ve found most people around me see the cure for loneliness or wanting more social engagement to be dating and marriage, and not wanting to date is usually seen as a sign of anxiety or trauma or some other problem that you just need to get out there and overcome.

            I don’t mind at all if people want to talk about their dating lives! I just don’t want to be dropped the minute someone finds out I’m not going to date them, or only be of interest when someone’s between partners. In combination with that I feel like a lot of social activity also takes place around children’s activities or childcare where it wouldn’t really be appropriate for a single person to show up.

            1. PookieLou*

              Here is where my advice comes in. It’s something I’m finally starting to make peace with. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. That is normal and okay.

              I went through the same people-dropping-off-if-I-didn’t-want-to-date-them experience so many times. And I’m heterosexual. Same for my husband. I think this kind of thing is pretty universal.

              Every relationship has its purpose. Speaking of just platonic friendships, I have:
              -hit it off with people I never saw again after that one time
              -had friends who I never saw outside work/class
              -had friends get an S.O. and lose touch
              -had to walk away from a close friendship of 11 years
              -been utterly uninterested in any of the people I had to spend most of my time with
              -been childless, surrounded by families with small children

              I don’t know how many of those relate to your experience, but I would wager that just about everyone has awful relationship experiences similar to yours. Everyone has different goals/paths, and it’s it’s not all that personal if those differences get in the way. It’s just life.

              I wish I would have been more true to my inner voice and branched out more, instead of trying to find sustaining friendships in the wrong people and places. I wish I had joined more clubs in college. I wish I had paid more attention to events going on in my community (because I promise that there are so many cool things to do, even if you don’t have kids. And people who think once you get married/have kids, you can only be close friends with couples/other parents are missing out. I say this because I have seen it a lot.) I am not friends anymore with most people I’ve met as an adult. I used to think I was bad at making friends, but it just took me a long time to find my groove and find my people (and yeah, social awkwardness is part of it too.) Maybe if I’d been better at looking around, I’d have more friendships from the first year of my 20s in the last year of my 20s.

              Do your thing, but have the courage and curiosity to branch out, is the best way I can think of to make real friendships.

              1. Jessen*

                Thanks! Yeah, I have had a lot of that sort of experiences. There’s also a particular sort of nastiness that women who don’t want to date tend to get – I have had the unfortunate experience of having to deal with men who seem to think that it’s some sort of insult against their gender or something. That last one’s my biggest aversion to super dating oriented stuff; I do find it stressful to deal with that sort of reaction. Mind, I think a certain amount of that is just a cost of being female.

                1. Sparrow*

                  I find this very interesting because I’ve had a totally opposite experience. I’m a woman in my mid-20s, very active with a fairly wide social circle, and I’ve never felt like dating concerns have interfered with my regular socializing and friend-making. I’ve never had a “meet-cute,” none of my friends have had crushes on me even though I have plenty of male friends, etc. I think I just give off some sort of vibe that deters sexual/romantic attention–I am a more focused, serious person and it takes me a while to warm up to new people and share my sense of humor.
                  And this was quite frustrating to me, because I’m not asexual/aromantic and I was seeing all of these relationships form within my friend group and feeling very left out. With time I learned how to use dating apps, so it’s not a problem anymore, and I love my very dynamic friend groups that are free of relationship drama. Anyway, I wish I could teach you my “secret” but I can’t even explain what it is. It’s just funny how people can have such a wide diversity of very different and yet very valid experiences, and it’s interesting to wonder why and how that is so.

    12. King Friday XIII*

      Dishes Math!

      1 day of dishes = easy to deal with
      2 days of dishes = three times as long to deal with
      3 days of dishes = INSURMOUNTABLE AND WHY DON’T WE JUST THROW THEM OUT AND ORDER PIZZA

      Well, maybe that last one is just me. But knowing that things are DEMONSTRABLY easier if I do them now makes it easier for me to do them now.

      1. Gatomon*

        Not just you, I’ve been to Day 3, done that many times… then the pizza boxes start to stack up!!!!

        I wish I could give my dishwasher a hug. I’ve learned that I can’t live successfully in an apartment without a dishwasher and washer-dryer. Dishes and clothes simply will not get done otherwise.

      2. Jessen*

        Hah, I sympathize. I finally bought one set of “just for me” dishes. One singular place setting. If it’s dirty, wash it before dinner. And no more than 2 pots/pans per meal.

      3. Owler*

        3 days of dishes = set up AAM Podcast in kitchen and start washing! Cleaning tasks go faster for me with a podcast…

    13. Jaid_Diah*

      Learn how to plan meals. I’m not that great at it now, either, but I’m trying.

      Also, to use the Sennheiser Wireless TV headphones much sooner.

    14. LilySparrow*

      I’d say, “No, you don’t have to stick to a daily schedule/routine just because Mom says so. But she’s right. It will make you feel better.”

    15. Dr. Anonymous*

      Read The Simple Dollar Blog, which is mostly about frugality, but Trent’s posts also offer a healthy helping of Adulting. His frugal posts, and those of Donna Freedman, are detailed enough to help with those times when food+rent>income.

      For what it’s worth, I am as confused as you by the people who are answering your question with advice that is not relevant to you and then quibbling with your use of the phrase “your younger self” as if you were obviously inviting us all to have introverted conversations with our younger selves, in which case my advice is, “Don’t marry him.”

      1. Jessen*

        …I think I know a lot of people who would have that as their advice to their younger selves.

        I’ll take a look at the Simple Dollar blog. I’m realizing I really need to sift through my frugal tips to figure out which ones work for me and how to maximize dollars saved per time unit. Because if I try to do all the frugal tips I have I end up running out of energy and that’s really not an improvement, especially since then I usually end up paying extra in medical costs instead.

    16. SemiRetired*

      I don’t identify as asexual but my romantic history has not been conventional and I have preferred to remain single over the years. Based on that, and the perspective age provides, I would advise not to look too much to friends when planning your future and what your household/family might come to be. I have some good, close, old friends, but with few exceptions, they all met and married someone else who is their primary person and went off and created families of their own. In my 20s I stayed in my college town for some years after college partly because “all my friends were there.” But all those friends eventually left… it is the way of the world. So unless you find another friend who wants to “adult” in the same way as you and is not inclined to pair-bond with someone else, I recommend to plan on being independent and single. Don’t worry, it has its advantages! Avoiding entanglement of your finances with someone else’s the primary one.
      Also standard old people wisdom:
      Take care of your teeth
      Take care of your body. If possible do the wild physical stuff you always wanted to do while you’re still young, whether that is snowboarding, swinging from the chandeliers, or giving birth…it’s all easier when you’re younger. You might be able to hike the Appalachian trail in your sixties, but then again, your knees might be bad by then, or, you could not even live that long. (Has happened to friends of mine.)
      Enjoy nature as much as you can. (Yours might be the last generation that has some enjoyable nature.)
      Do something creative, sing, dance, write, whatever suits your nature.
      A late friend’s advice, don’t spend all your time on the Internet, live your life irl.
      And the old Girl Scout song…. make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold! (Now sing it in a round, with your friends.)

  27. Kate Daniels*

    I use my library all the time to check out books and e-books, but I’ve never really paid attention to the events. Out of curiosity, I was just browsing through their events calendar, I can’t believe I’ve never taken advantage of some of the things they have to offer: free Spanish classes, book discussion groups, and Toastmasters! I’m going to have to put some of these things on my schedule because I’m hoping it’ll be a good way to meet people outside of work.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Thank you :-) The public library (at least in many locales) is an absolute treasure trove of programs and resources. And yet we constantly have to defend our existence to… pretty much everyone who doesn’t read.

      1. nep*

        (In yesterday’s thread I gave a shout-out to librarians and all those who make the magic happen.)
        Kate–agree. It’s really great the local libraries offer so much.

      2. Kate Daniels*

        I am going through the schedule as we speak and marking things down on my own calendar! I am really excited about some of the book talks and discussion groups because I’d really like to start reading more widely/outside of my comfort zone.

    2. Roja*

      I wish my small town library had more things going on. Everything is kids-oriented, which is all great, but I don’t have any kids! And I’m not really in a place to start something right now either, unfortunately.

    3. Temperance*

      I’m so jealous! My library has some great offerings, but most of their programming is geared towards kids/teens and senior citizens. If they have something interesting, it’s during the day when most people are at work, so then it’s poorly attended, and they don’t do it again.

      1. Canadian Natasha*

        That’s the same at my location. Nothing is set in the evening when I’d actually be able to attend. :C It’s too bad because otherwise I’d love to go.

    4. OyVey*

      My library system just won 2 major awards (one popularity, one industry) in part because of the events programing. Language practice groups and knitting/crochet circles are my favorites :-)

    5. Wulfgar*

      My library has a wine tasting every autumn. An expert sommelier and his wife prepare three courses and add appropriate wine. He provides interesting details about wine production, history, etc. I’m in PA., and all the wines he uses are available in the state store. It’s a fun evening.

      1. Loves Libraries*

        I’d love that at our library. Maybe I’ll suggest it. They do have a fundraiser called Wine Women and Shoes. It a combination of local boutiques coming to the library and a fashion show along with information about what the library does in our community.

    6. Isotopes*

      Thank you so much for this comment! I just found out that my local library offers all KINDS of cool programs. TEDx discussion groups, financial wellness seminars, legal information sessions…this is so neat! I had no idea that all of these things were available at no charge through the library. Yay!

  28. WellRed*

    Help with PayPal. Need to set up so people can pay me rent. Downloaded app, set up general profile. Next steps? Does it link to my checking account? Do I have to send rent request every month?

    4. Trixie*

      Yes, once you are in Paypal I think you can email tenants to join as well. If I remember correctly, PP does a test transfer of a like a penny and returns everything. I send money to mom everything month and once I email her, it’s available for her to transfer within 2-3 days.
      I’m setting this up now with current hair salon. Tips cannot be added to bill which drives me crazy because I don’t carry cash, don’t use checks, and this place charges enough that they should be able to cover the fees. I want to tip but stylists will have to be open to electronic transfers.

    6. Lollygagger*

      If you are a landlord or acting as the financial person for things, Cozy dot co (spelled out to avoid link going to moderation, and yes that’s co, not com) might work better. You set up a receiving account and your tenants/roommates set up their payment. No fees (they make money on credit checks and such if you choose those services – we didn’t). Only issue is about a week between when they pay and you get the money.

    7. StudentA*

      If you invoice your tennants, they do not have to have their own PayPal account. You can just bill them through PayPal. You’ll get dinged a couple of dollars or a percentage – PayPal is not completely free.

      You can also go through your bank, as some banks offer a similar service. I don’t know if there’s a fee. You don’t both need to bank at the same place, or at least that’s the way it is with my bank.

  29. Be the Change*

    Love of the week?

    Mine is my little sister whose birthday was yesterday. Although she is little, she is ferocious! She’s a leader in the most macho of men’s worlds, the military, and she does it with painstaking integrity. She’s adventurous and homeloving, smart and kind, funny and serious. She’s my hero.

    2. Jessen*

      This is somewhat bittersweet, but…looking back, I had one priest as a young adult who told me to stop and listen to the stories I told about my childhood. In retrospect, the validation that they weren’t normal and I wasn’t just making a big deal out of nothing has meant a lot to me.

    3. Merci Dee*

      I have absolutely fallen in love with Barkeeper’s Friend, the scrubbing powder that’s been around for years. I recently bought some to use on my kitchen sink because the porcelain had been marked and discolored by a smaller dishpan that I keep in one side. A splash of water, a sprinkle of Barkeeper’s Friend, and the sink was absolutely spotless after just a few scrubs. I also used the powder to scrub down my tub because of the hard water in my area, and just a few minutes of scrubbing got all the buildup off. I’d used a number other cleansers, but they couldn’t completely get rid of the residue. I absolutely love this stuff.

      1. Ali G*

        I went on a Barkeepers Friend Bathroom Bender. Let me just say if you have dingy looking tile and grout, that stuff will change your life! And also gross you out about how dirty things actually are…but mostly change your life! Just don’t use it on glass or other tile that can etch.

        1. Sylvan*

          Seriously? I’ve only thought to use it in the kitchen. I have a thing of it in the kitchen and some ugly tile in the bathroom. Yay!

        2. Merci Dee*

          I think I’m going to buy a cheapo electric toothbrush to keep on hand just for using this stuff on my shower grout. The tile is in great shape, but there are a few places my regular scrubbing pad has trouble reaching. Looks like I have a scrubbing date with the shower soon!

        1. Merci Dee*

          I was gushing to my mom about how well it cleaned my sink, and she got some for scrubbing her oven door. She’d run the self-cleaning cycle and gotten the metal surfaces clean, but she said the glass panel on the door was still dingy, and she always had to scrub it with steel wool to clean it. She was amazed at how easy the Barkeeper’s Friend got rid of the crud.

    4. Thursday Next*

      Mine is what you wrote about your sister, Be the Change. It’s so loving and evocative.

      1. Be the Change*

        How kind of you! We fought when we were little like two weasels in a bag, and I sure didn’t believe it when my aunt (our mother’s sister) told me that one day I would think she was the most amazing woman ever. Aunt was right, when I was about 25 I realized OMG my sister is *really something*, I’m so lucky.

  30. buttercup*

    Random sort of petty rant (and probably on the controversial side), but as a progressive WoC, I get sort of annoyed with some of my liberal friends (who are white!) for criticizing any media-for-consumption (like YouTube videos or podcasts) that are created by “white cis males”. I recently had a (white!) friend completely dismiss one of my favorite podcasts because “it is run by a white cis male so I don’t think I will like it”. I guess it’s your life, your choice, but am I supposed to feel victimized by all white cis males now? I find this attitude very bizarre.

    And FTR, I’m very pro diversity in media, and consume a lot of media hosted by minorities, but I don’t feel the need to boycott all media run by white/male people.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      That’s… interesting. Like, if I boycotted everything created by white men, I would miss out on a lot of interesting discussions. (Does Marc Maron count? Because I love WTF and while Marc grates on me sometimes, I can’t just throw him aside because he’s a dude.) Among some, there is a tendency towards some kind of Super Wokeness and Over Liberalism that I find really grating. I try to judge things– and people!– on an individual basis as much as I possibly can; all of this “all white guys are awful” shtick just takes people backwards. It sounds to me like your white friends are trying to impress you and other POC with their wokeicity, and that sounds so tiresome.

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I think those people are just trying to Prove They Are Woke. I mean, yeah, white cishet men are generally the worst, but there are a few that aren’t completely terrible and I think it’s good for us to support those who are true allies and actually lift up the voices of women, POC, LGBTQ, etc.

      2. buttercup*

        …I dunno. I come from a culture that’s uber partriarchial and heteronormative – I actually find white men to be more liberal and open-minded in comparison. When I’ve dated white men, I felt *less* pressure to be this demure, submissive female. (I mean, I’m mostly dating the urban type of white male, not those rifle-wielders from the backwoods of Alabama.)

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          For me it’s not as much about individual relationships as it is their views on society at large.

          You can treat me as nice as you want, but if you vote for politicians who want to restrict my rights, that’s still actively harming me. A lot of people will hold certain individuals they know well to a different standard than a general group and that hypocrisy makes me angrier than people who are blatantly bigoted.

          1. buttercup*

            Yeah I agree. It’s definitely important for me to date guys on the same political spectrum as me (regardless of cultural bg or race)

        2. Merci Dee*

          I promise, those rifle-weilders live in backwoods places other than Alabama, too.

          – signed, someone from Alabama

          2. Gaia*

            Also some are definitely not even in backwoods and sometimes look like those nice, progressive urban dwellers until their rifle-wielding side comes out.

    4. matcha123*

      I totally understand where you are coming from. I do not hate white people for being white. I don’t hate men for being men. I actually get tired of always having to be “on” or expected to be “on.”
      I appreciate the feeling, but honestly…minorities don’t have secret meetings where we just hate on white people.

      1. Gaia*

        Just don’t tell them about the meeting of All The Women To Bring Down All The Men. Remember, it is our secret.

    5. Lissa*

      Yes, there seems to be a trend for white people to go on about how terrible white people are. Even in cases where it doesn’t really make sense or it’s willfully ignoring other stuff. For example, some people’s responses to MeToo has been “I believe most powerful straight white men are evil!” But…. plenty of people who’ve been outed as abusers/harassers have been not straight, or not white. Lots. Even a woman here and there, though the common denominator is “men”.

      Also, white women insulting “stuff white women do” often has this weird internalized misogyny to it, like it’s OK to insult women so long as they append “white” to it.

      I mean, if someone decides to not personally consume any media by white men right now because they are trying to increase their diversity in media, awesome! But that’s a deliberate move to do something political, not a “it’s a white man so I won’t like it!”

      1. Gaia*

        Yes on the weird internalized misogyny! It gets old so damn quick. Like how about you focus on the problematic actions of a person regardless of gender/race/sexuality? These acts are trash no matter who they come from (although it is worth remembering that the same action committed by different socio groups can have a different impact. That doesn’t make one less trash than the other. It just means society reacts differently).

      2. Tau*

        Also, white women insulting “stuff white women do” often has this weird internalized misogyny to it, like it’s OK to insult women so long as they append “white” to it.

        100% agreed.

        I also think the “cis men” thing can get transphobic quicker than people think, because you’re drawing a distinction that puts cis men on one side while it lumps trans men and women together on the other. Sometimes that division makes sense, but if you’re not careful it’s easy for that to slide into implying that trans men aren’t men in the same way that cis men are.

      3. buttercup*

        I’m guilty of liking a lot of the “stuff white women like” and am not sure if I’m supposed to take it personally when people criticize it.

      4. Sparkly Lady*

        I think the “stuff white women do” has weird internalized misogyny when it’s WoC as well. “Pumpkin spice lattes” are not a tool of structural inequity. Mocking liking them is not dismantling racism or other hierarchies in any way shape or form. (also, they’re delicious, so whatever people…)

        Heck, even something like 50 Shades of Gray–which can be argued is a tool of patriarchy–is usually mocked in a way that’s about establishing superiority rather than seriously engaging with why so many women like the stories. It’s all very Cool Girl, IMHO.

    6. Sparkly Lady*

      You are not alone. Lately, I’ve been feeling like a lot of social justice-identified-people are not interested in actually dismantling structural inequity so much as flipping the hierarchy of oppression so that they’re on top. I’m just not on board with sweeping dismissals of people on the basis of race/gender identity (or the dismissiveness of class as an important axis of privilege/lack of privilege, but that’s a different discussion).

      1. Woodswoman*

        I think this is spot on, unfortunately. There’s a difference between institutional, societal privilege based on race and gender, and dismissing individual people whose creative work you enjoy based solely on these factors.

      2. buttercup*

        You took the words right out of my mouth! Though I’m technically non-white, people don’t seem to understand that I am technically still privileged, having grown up middle class. (Or rather, I have to explain it to people and then they get it.)

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I’ll tell you a story along those lines: I once introduced my mother to a friend of my partner’s. Got them both tickets to a concert I was in and sat them together. Our friend is Black. He grew up in a fancy neighborhood in New York and met my partner in grad school. His brother is a plastic surgeon in Florida, and since my mom is a retired physician who lives in Florida, I figured the brother would come up at some point. Later when she and I were recapping the evening, she said something along the lines of, “There’s so much pro bono reconstruction surgery being done down there for poor people, [Friend’s Brother] must stay very busy!” I side-eyed her and said, “Ma. [Friend’s Brother] does boobs and butts. From what I hear, he’s doing extremely well and is practically ready to retire.”

          You know what they say when we assume…

      3. Merci Dee*

        “The oppressed, instead of striving for liberation, tend themselves to become oppressors.”

        — Paulo Freire

      4. Ender*

        Yup. This is spot on. I see it on here all the time – there’s even an example above of someone saying a group of people defined by gender and race are “literally the worst”.

        That statement is both racism and sexism. But hey, that’s ok because prejudice against men and white people is ok now yay we won we can treat them as bad as they treated us!

        It’s pretty gross.

        And don’t even get me started on the whole “it’s not possible to be racist against white people” crap. If you think that’s true, please buy an actual dictionary not an online urban lingo dictionary and look up the definitions of racism and oppression. They are two different words with two different meanings and this whole idea that racism is the same thing as oppression is just factually incorrect. Racism is prejudice on the basis of race. For example, saying that all members of a race are “the worst”. That’s racism, pure as simple.

    7. Gaia*

      I’m really with you on this. I think it is important to understand the biases we all have based on our experiences inherent in race, gender identity, sexuality, etc…however no combination of those automatically = X. I’ve met some really trash fire people who fall into minority category on every level and I’ve met some really great people who are in the majority of every category on every level. It really comes down to the person.

    8. The New Wanderer*

      It’s like saying “all white cis-het males share the same viewpoint, which is different from mine in a way I don’t appreciate.” Which, no, they don’t.

      However, it does get complicated when it seems like in order to be woke, we need to check everyone against a checklist of Potential Issues to figure out whether or not we can enjoy the things they create. Did X say racist or bigoted things, sexually harass anyone, insult someone, use foul language, lie repeatedly under oath, sing the national anthem poorly, or whatever crosses our own moral lines? But the line shouldn’t be “exists as part of a specific race and gender.”

      1. Socks*

        Like, while that’s true (that not all white cis het guys have the exact same viewpoint), they do share several common elements, because, you know… all white people don’t have the same set of shared experiences, but we DO all have the experience of being treated as white people, and we DO all lack the experience of systemic racism. Cis people can have all sorts of different experiences with gender, but all of those experiences will ultimately share the theme of “my gender is congruent with the one assigned to me at birth” and none of them will have the theme of “being trans”.

        That leads to some heavily recurring themes that I think it’s perfectly legit to be bored of. What I mean is that, even if two straight white cis dudes have totally different perspectives on a topic (maybe one is super progressive and a major ally to marginalized groups, and the other is, like, a huge homophobe), they’re still BOTH going to address certain topics from the same perspective; in the case of, for example, queer issues, that perspective will *almost always* be “one day, despite always being attracted to women and never to men, I realized/was informed that some people are gay” and then the different opinions will have formed from there. That is a viewpoint that, barring some exceptions I’m sure must exist somewhere, every straight person shares. And that viewpoint gets so, so much more airtime than “one day, I realized I was attracted to people the same gender as me”, and it absolutely leads to a common thread in how (almost) every straight person talks about… well, everything, to be honest. It might seem like a straight person and a queer one could theoretically have the same opinions on like, romantic comedies, but in practice, as a trend, they tend not to, because they relate to the characters, themes, and plot differently. And not every straight person will relate to the romantic comedy in an identical way, but none of them will relate to it in ways OTHER than “being straight and forming opinions from there”. That is a legit phenomenon.

        It’s not that straight white cis men are immoral for existing, or even for sharing about their own unique experiences! I’m just, you know… bored. I’ve heard a million different people talking about their lives from the perspective of a person who has not been affected personally by racism (/sexism/homophobia/transphobia/ableism/health problems/poverty/etc), and now at this point I want to hear about the varied different perspectives from people who have. I think that that is a valid preference to have.

        It’s weird and performative to tell your POC friend that their podcast recommendation is too white for you, though. That part is just a straight up bizarre thing to do.

        1. Sparkly Lady*

          I agree that identities can be very relevant on identity-based topics. I’m pretty over hearing men–straight or otherwise–talk about women’s issues. But if we’re talking about topics like historical murders or industrial sewage or mythological creatures or the science of glasses, I’m not going to dismiss someone because he’s a straight cis man.

        2. TL -*

          “I’ve heard a million different people talking about their lives from the perspective of a person who has not been affected personally by racism (/sexism/homophobia/transphobia/ableism/health problems/poverty/etc)”

          The assumption that everyone who has been through X has the same class of worldviews and opinions and interpretations is hugely problematic, *especially* when you include easily hidden things like health issues, poverty, and ableism. You cannot look at someone’s worldview and know what their life has been like. Heck, for a lot of that stuff, you could know their socially-presentable life story and still not know what they’ve been through.

          I don’t advertise the things I’ve been through because it’s not anyone’s business but believe me, it’s particularly annoying to have people assume and *act on* their assumptions of what your life is, including telling you your interpretations of your own experiences is “wrong”. “You’d agree with me if you’d experienced what I’d experienced” invalidates a whole heck of a lot of people’s experiences.

          1. Socks*

            But I’m not saying that people who share an axis of oppression all have identical worldviews; I AM saying that every single person who is queer shares the experience of being queer just by definition, and almost every single one has had at least passingly similar experiences in terms of having experienced any degree of negative social reaction towards this fact. (And obviously the same is true of other identities). Not every single one, but close enough to every single one.

            A white dude can have gone through the worst horrors imaginable, but none of those horrors will have been caused by the experience of being black. Just, by definition. They might even hypothetically be worse, which is why I never made a claim that, like, experiencing one type of oppression is worse than another. I’m just saying that if I listen to ten people speak, and all ten of them have only experienced life as a white person, I am necessarily not getting to hear any perspectives OTHER than ones that white people form. And even with all the many myriad experiences white people can have, that’s still necessarily cutting out, like, half of the total perspectives I could be hearing.

            And that wouldn’t inherently be a problem if our culture hadn’t been prioritizing the voices of straight white cis dudes for basically ever! I’m not saying that straight white cis male perspectives are BAD, just that I have now heard so disproportionately more of them that I am bored of the similarities, which do exist.

            I’m certainly not trying to say “You’d agree with me if you’d experienced what I’d experienced” or that by looking at someone’s skin color or gender you can know everything about their lives, which is why I mentioned that two straight white cis dudes could come to completely different opinions on topics like homophobia or racism or whatever. But no straight white cis dude has come to those opinions through any experience other than being straight, white, cis, and male. If you listen to a hundred people talk about their life experiences, but all of them are straight, white, cis men, you will hear a hundred different stories… but all of them will include the experiences of being straight, white, cis, and male. They could differ in infinite other ways, including how their experiences of straight white cisgender maleness have impacted them personally! But none of them will differ in having had those basic experiences to begin with. And I’m sorry, but that does lead to some degree of similarity in worldview. On an individual level, comparing two random people, that’s not such a big deal. But looking at, like, the entirety of English-language media produced from history into the modern day, then the patterns become more visible and relevant.

            If you’r arguing that there is no set of experiences shared by any two people who share an element of their identity, then… I don’t know what to say to that, besides that I disagree. If you don’t think that, and instead we’re disagreeing about the degree to which that leads to having similar opinions, I mean I guess that makes more sense. I think it has more of an effect than you do. But I absolutely never said anything like “if you’d experienced the same things as me, you would agree with me” or “I can tell exactly what someone’s entire worldview is based solely on looking at them”, because those are, indeed, ridiculous things to say.

            1. TL -*

              I agree, there are a lot of straight white cis male stories out there and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m like, I’m interested if it’s really good/a story I love/special interest, but other than that, I’m at my saturation point.

              But you included a lot of things in your list that you cannot tell about a person unless they choose to share with you, (up to and including queerness – we’ve still got people coming out and surprising us), so you’re assuming a lot about who is telling the millions of stories about poverty, health issues, disabilities, ect…. It’s really easy to tell with race, can be easy to tell with gender, and is becoming increasingly easier to tell with sexual orientation. But the other things – they’re often very well hidden from the social version of someone’s life story. Maybe it’s just the media I’ve happened to consume, but a lot of times when I dig (particularly for novels) I find there’s a connection for the storyteller.

              1. Socks*

                Ah, I apologize, I didn’t realize that that’s what you meant (“But you included a lot of things in your list that you cannot tell about a person unless they choose to share with you”). You’re right in that you can’t necessarily see every facet of a person’s identity when they might be hiding some of it; that definitely does address the original situation, in which the friend rejected a podcast because the creator was a cis white man. How’d she know he was cis unless the podcast was all about, like, that particular thing? What if he’s not white, but actually a member of an ethnic minority who only happens to look white, like that’s a thing that happens. They’re reasonable criticisms.

                I was more referring to the broader fact that even if a person doesn’t tell you something about themselves, you can often tell based on the things that they’re saying. For an easy example, you can almost always tell if someone grew up poor or wealthy just by hearing them mention (or not mention) certain events, like being bought a car for their 16th birthday; an economically privileged person might talk about that like it’s a common, if not universal experience, while you will basically almost never hear that story told by someone who grew up poor (and middle class, I think, can maybe go either way; if I had been driving as a teen, I’m sure my parents would have helped me buy an old junker or handed me down their own if they were thinking about maybe getting a newer one for themselves around that time, but it never would have even occurred to me to consider them straight-up buying me a new car). I actually just recently had a conversation with a friend of mine where we were all discussing a TV show we’d watched when we were younger, forgetting that this is not a universal experience for people our age; my friend grew up poor and did not have the channel it aired on. We weren’t even discussing anything directly related to finances, but our experiences still showed through our casual discussion about TV, and we all just collectively forgot that it was possible someone might not have had access to that show that “everyone” has seen. Some people might try to specifically compensate for these “tells” if they’re really, really trying to hide their identity, but most people wouldn’t even know where to begin; this is stuff that is very deeply-ingrained and hard to even notice yourself doing, unless there’s something to draw your attention to it.

                And healthy, able-bodied, economically well-off people have more opportunities and resources to have their stories told, which means that they’re still perspectives that saturate the market, so if a story has been made available to you, it is not an unsafe assumption (absent evidence to the contrary) that the author will fit into all or most of those categories. And it’s valid to prefer to avoid such media in favor of people who ARE visibly ill/disabled/of a disadvantaged background. It would be wrong to necessarily make that assumption about a real live person with whom you are personally interacting, because that erasure has tangible consequences. But it’s not hurting people with invisible disabilities to personally decide not to listen to a podcast because the guy running it looks generally able-bodied and has not mentioned anything to the contrary. Maybe in a very broad and abstract sense, since it technically contributes to erasure of invisible disabilities whenever you assume someone must not have one, but I feel like that’s such a drop in the bucket compared to, like… discriminatory hiring practices or gatekeeping of resources. But otherwise, I don’t think it’s particularly harmful to personally decide you’re not interested in a podcast because the creator is white, while forgetting that he might also secretly be queer.

                1. TL -*

                  I grew up in a very poor region of the USA and the majority of my friends had cars (bought for them or by them or provided at a low cost by family members), even though they were all working class or poor – and I mean family of 7 in a single-wide trailer, college completely covered by federal grants, 90% of our school was on free or reduced lunch (myself included) poor. Most of my classmates had cable, regardless of income; I did not. My high school boyfriend’s family saved up for and took big vacations every 2-3 years; my family took one modestly-priced vacation before I was 18 and we saved up it for 8 years. Our parents were in roughly the same socioeconomic level.
                  Abusive, dysfunctional, and/or broken/blended families were by far the norm – exactly one of my friends had 2 supportive loving parents in their first marriage, raising their kids together, with no underlying issues. When I got to my (private, liberal) university and realized that there was a whole world out there that looked nothing like my hometown, it was the biggest culture shock I’ve ever experienced (and I currently live internationally.)

                  I code as upper middle class, white picket fence, suburbia, loving and close family (zero of that is true) – I have had people ask me which Major City Suburb I grew up in when I say I’m from Texas, after knowing me for not-insignificant periods of time. I tell very carefully selected stories about my upbringing. The only people who have ever had any inkling of what my childhood is like without me specifically deciding to trust them with the information are two people who grew up in the exact same area I did – and that was because they’d lived the same lives.
                  A lot of my friends are the exact same way – they code different than either their upbringing or a significant portion of their upbringing. You’d be surprised exactly how easy it to hide things – I don’t tell people my parents couldn’t afford cable, I either say they didn’t believe in TV or I never got into whatever TV show, but I really liked X.

                  Believe me, if someone doesn’t want you to tell, you won’t be able to. The idea you have that it’s “obvious” what people’s childhoods were like is absolutely false and I would argue plays a lot into normalizing code-switching to hide backgrounds that differ from upper middle class/middle class white healthy suburban families.

                  That being said, sure to your point about choosing which media to engage with. You have limited time and you’re going to make the decisions with the information you have, not the information that might be.

    9. Anonymous Educator*

      Sounds as if they don’t want to do the work to dismantle patriarchy and/or racism, so they take the low-hanging fruit of just bashing legitimate media from white cis males.

      There is definitely overrepresentation of white cis males in media, but that doesn’t mean any time someone consumes or recommends something by a white cis male, that you have to criticize it.

    10. Mobuy*

      Classic identity politics. I hate the idea of prejudging based on what you are and what someone else is.

  31. Doloris Van Cartier*

    Just a positive update from my post last week about how to evaluate a new therapist. I had a second session last night with her and I felt like I could make some progress with her based on our conversation which was positive. I’m going to try and start journaling to see if that will help me catch my obsessive thoughts before they spiral so I think this could be a good first step. Thanks for the support and reminder that I don’t really need (or want) to be her best friend, I just need to find someone who can help me find some solutions to my issues.

  32. Julia*

    I’m really frustrated with my life right now. Husband and I were planning to move to my home country for a while (we’re currently in his, on a different continent) because I wanted to be closer to my grandma (she won’t be around forever, she’s almost 100), but then he couldn’t get a job there in his super narrow field, and can’t work other jobs because he never bothered to learn the language despite promising to when we got married.

    So now we’re staying in his country and he’s already signed a job contract and will get paid quite nicely, but I’m still job hunting. Vacation time here is terrible, ten days a year if you even get to take it (this is Japan), so not a lot of time to go to Europe to visit grandma, plus I’m getting rejected for being a married woman around 30 a lot, but that’s another issue.

    I thought since we’re staying, I’d finally make our apartment a little nicer, add a sofa, a work area, wardrobe etc. so it feels more like a home. Suddenly, husband tells me he needs a really big desk to do research on. We live in a 40m² apartment with a super weird layout (lots of corners, tiny extra room etc.) and I’m already struggling to find somewhere to put a sofa so it could face a TV. I wrote my entire thesis on the corner of the dining table next to his crap, and he already uses the tiny spare room and table there – to play video games. I’m sure people have all kinds of odd needs that I just can’t understand, and some people need to spread all their books out to study, but he says he needs the big desk so he can put a printer on it, because somehow putting the printer on a shelf next to the desk doesn’t work for him??

    I’m already so frustrated that I couldn’t move where I wanted to, now this whole apartment needs to be taken up by his desk that he’ll just use to play games on anyway? Now he says he’ll give up doing research forever (and they say women are dramatic), and of course I’ll forever be the evil woman who kept that poor promising man from making a big discovery. He didn’t say that last part, but I think that’s how it would end if I don’t give in here. Ugh.

    1. blargity blarg*

      You aren’t working right now. You’re annoyed with your partner (rightfully so). Go home for a month or two. Go see your grandma. If you’re able to stay with family, you can keep expenses low. Take the trip. He doesn’t have to go with you!

      1. Not All Who Wander*

        +1

        This. And trying not be be paranoid, but please make absolutely, positively 100% sure your birth control is under your control and can’t be sabotaged. There are all sorts of yellow-flags and while heaven knows sometimes it truly is just venting about bad circumstances when big picture everything is fine, sometimes it’s really not.

        Go home, see your family. See how you feel after a long break and see if you guys can hit re-set on things or if this is just the beginning of a downward slide where your lives are 100% about him and you always come in second.

          1. Kj*

            It is a worthwhile concern- anytime a marriage isn’t going well, it behooves people involved to make sure no one gets pregnant. Having a kid never improves a marriage. And BC sabotage is more common than you think….

            1. AcademiaNut*

              I wouldn’t necessarily be wary about sabotage, but would second being really wary about having a baby. An international marriage breaking up can be messy. An international marriage with kids breaking up can be devastating to everyone involved.

              But I second (third) all the comments that say to take an extended trip back home (months, if you have people to stay with), to get some distance from the problem. And take any important documents or personal possessions along with you, just in case.

              Living in a foreign country is hard. Living in a foreign country when your spouse is a local and doesn’t care about your happiness is terrible. Someone who will punish you forever because you wanted a sofa instead of a dedicated printer table isn’t likely to devote much effort to your happiness.

        2. Julia*

          Holy moly, thanks for the concern, but my husband is the nicest, non-malicious guy ever, he’s just super clueless. And doesn’t want children right now or possibly ever.

          I was thinking of going home, but I need to send some paper applications and possibly go to interviews, plus my husband doesn’t start work for a month and I want to take a nice vacation together before he has to work a lot again. I love the guy, I’m just kind of frustrated right now and obviously devastated about this turn of events.

        3. Les G*

          This is really out of line. It might behoove you to check out the conversation folks are having in the work-related open thread about how very unhelpful the speculation on this site can get. Someone specifically mentions that she avoids posting about her relationship because no matter what she says someone will speculate that it’s abusive.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            That’s exactly what I thought of, yesterday’s thread. Julia is annoyed with her husband and a bit homesick. This sounds so normal to me! Jumping to divorce? Abuse? Controlling? Sigh, no. She doesn’t need catastrophising, she needs a glass of wine (if that’s her thing) and a venting session.

            1. Julia*

              I love this comment section, even if I don’t love every single comment. And people were just looking out for me. I clarified, and people stopped going there. All’s good.

            2. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Plenty of people like the comment section. Some don’t! That’s okay. If you’re looking for a perfectly curated experience, it won’t be this one. Hang out if you like it. Don’t if you don’t. Nothing will be everyone’s cup of tea. Like I said yesterday, I’m aware it’s imperfect and am looking for doable ways to improve it but plenty of people enjoy it as is. (I know you flagged this comment for me yesterday; I didn’t think it rose to the level of me needing to intervene and continue to think that but everyone makes different judgement calls.)

            3. Not a backseat driver*

              ?? What an odd thing to say. This site has one of the largest, most engaged comment sections I know of. Clearly a lot of people like it. Unless someone has successfully run a popular comment section, I wish they would stop with the backseat driving.

      2. WellRed*

        Please go visit grandma! And, take a step back and gain some perspective on the lopsided marriage. He sounds quite like a manchild.

      3. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I agree with this. Go spend time with your family. It’s okay if you and your husband have some time away from each other.

    2. matcha123*

      Are you guys committed to your place? Would you be willing to move to a larger place?
      I’m in 20m2 place and 40m2 would be great for a single, but a large desk… He can put the printer on the floor under the desk and get a slightly smaller one?

      As to the language part, if your husband is Japanese I think you have to force him overseas. It’s too easy to be a man here and gaikoku is so scary because you have to use English…as if it’s not hard being a woman here.
      10 vacation days seems pretty common in private companies here. I remember being asked about marriage and children. It was and is sooo annoying!

      1. Julia*

        We were thinking of moving, but as you know, it’s super expensive in Japan and I like our current place because it doesn’t have any upstairs or surrounding neighbors, which was super hard to find. (I hate noise.)

        My husband actually wanted to work abroad, he has extensive experience overseas and speaks English fluently, plus he’s pretty atypical for a Japanese man, but things just didn’t work out this time. The only thing he could have done differently was to learn my stupid language like he promised (he actually used to be pretty good, but lapsed), but he also worked a lot, so I’m more annoyed that he promised something he knew he couldn’t keep than him not actually doing it…

        1. matcha123*

          I think you should talk some more to him about how you feel and if you are disappointed. My ex was also Japanese and fluent in English and told me he’d like to work abroad, but never really put the effort into it. But it seems your husband is at least trying?
          Maybe he can put his desk on the balcony, plenty of space when clothes aren’t drying :p

          1. Julia*

            Ha, our balcony is tiny, unfortunately, and paper might fly away. I really want to give him a desk to work on, but it also doesn’t seem to make sense because he’d be at work most of the time, whereas I’m at home trying to get an article published and write a novel so that being home alone and job searching doesn’t depress me too much, so if anyone should get a desk, it’s me.
            He said he doesn’t need one anymore, but it’s in that dejected “I give up, you win” kind of tone that lets me know he’s not being genuine about it and that upsets me.

            1. Owler*

              I used to do that tone like your husband. Can you be direct and call it out? My husband would explain that it was unfair to say one thing but expect him to read into my tone and “heroically” read my mind and not try to keep me to do what I said. He’s pushing the emotional work to you.

              It’s ok to be disappointed, but it’s not ok to guilt a partner like that. I was able to grow and change (with time). I hope you can point it out and he can do the same.

              1. Julia*

                Thank you. I absolutely tell him that he sounds insincere, but he usually just doubles down. Maybe I’m really scary?

    3. PaulaNoGoodAdvice*

      I don’t have helpful advice, I would probably just move home and get a job there, and spend lots of time with grandma, and worry about the marriage later.

    4. Buu*

      It’s a bit odd, you can also get wifi printers which could be put literally anywhere in the apartment. So unless he’s doing a lot of scanning, it’s just weird. Most people don’t have printers on their desks at work.

      Why on earth can’t the video games room just be his study?

      1. Julia*

        I don’t know. He deals with my bouts of anxiety and depression, so I figure I should probably deal with his weirdness as well, but yeah, he’s really all or nothing about some things and the desk needs to be super big or he won’t do it.

    5. King Friday XIII*

      Another vote for going to visit family now while you’re not working anyway, go without him, get some space. Figure out if you miss him. ;) You’ll resent him pretty much forever if you don’t get to see your Grandma anyway, and it sounds like you could use some perspective on your relationship.

    6. Ann O.*

      Your husband is not being reasonable in ways that raise a lot of red flags. You are compromising so much of your plans/needs, and he’s not even willing to compromise on a desk?

      What is holding you back from taking an extended, lengthy trip to your home country to visit your grandmother? Do you have a job but are looking for a better one?

      It seems like some space to think about what you truly need out of life and marriage would be good for you. Maybe for your husband, too, since the strong attachment to the idea of the desk suggests he may have some non-communicated anxieties as well.

      1. valentine*

        Your husband is also turning things around on you as though you are the unreasonable one. He has a playroom and the dining room table. Do you have any space that’s just yours? If you took over the dining room table or the small room/table, would he move your stuff/refuse to be inconvenienced? If he’s not planning to leave, he’s planning to stay. The large desk is part of that. The next time you mention Europe, will he say shipping his desk isn’t feasible and he can’t possibly leave it? Stephen King 86ed his massive desk and turned his writing room into a family room with a corner desk: https://zenpencils.com/comic/king/. Is your husband willing to learn any language or work any job he could do in a European country closer to Grandma? What if you prioritize living near her, look at what you/your husband would have to do to make that work for x years (to begin, in case you end up wanting to stay indefinitely), and get started, with or without him?

        1. Julia*

          I have a feeling my husband comes across really badly because I wrote my post when I was super annoyed, but he’s actually very sweet, just super stubborn sometimes.

          The reason why I’m not just going back now, other than job searching as mentioned above, is that I’d have to live with my family for that time, and while I love my grandma, the rest of them drive me nuts after a while, plus I would probably just feel super sad if I went back without a plan. It’s hard to explain, but I tend to get bouts of severe anxiety and depression when I visit home while things are undecided, so for now I’m planning to stay here for a bit longer and job search.

    7. Kj*

      He’s not interested in compromise, which is a bad sign. I recommend couples’ counseling if at all possible. I’m concerned for you.

    8. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Red flags. Really really listen to the other folks on here… much good advice. I started out small and found all my needs slowly marginalized. (The boiling frog is a fable describing a frog being slowly boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out, but if the frog is put in tepid water which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death…. that was my life with mr control. Slowly removing my choices and boxing me in… Sometimes just because he could).

    10. anonagain*

      I am certain you know this, but I want to say it anyway. It is not your fault if your husband gives up his research, even if he finds it easier to blame you than own up to the fact that he doesn’t actually want to do it, that he lacks the ability, etc.

      It isn’t right that you should be the only one to compromise. You matter too.

    11. Traffic_Spiral*

      Feels like dog-piling at this point, but he’s already broken a major marital promise (language, and by extension moving, so 2 promises) and when you’re expressing frustration, he just takes himself hostage (“fine, I’ll just give up EVERYTHING then – is that what you want?”).

      Seems like now he considers you a done deal, he’s reneging his bit. I agree to take some time off (hey, you have the time) and see your grandma. Maybe he’ll decide that he misses you and should fire up that duolingo ap. Maybe you both decide that you don’t miss each other that much. Either way, your grandma won’t be around forever.

      1. Ender*

        This. If you don’t go see your grandma now, and then in a few years you break up, you will regret it forever.

        You’re not working, your husband is annoying the hell out of you, go home for a while and see your family. Then go back and start again.

    12. The New Wanderer*

      The tiny room IS his work room – if he wants a desk in there, he has to figure out a way to make it work. You’re not prohibiting him from doing his work, you are putting a reasonable suggestion into play. If he rejects that suggestion… I don’t think that bodes well, when combined with not learning your language (no small feat but some attempt was warranted) and not moving as planned. It’s like it’s his apartment and you just live there occupying as little space as possible. That’s not really a long-term attitude.

      And I nth the suggestion to visit your home country for an extended vacation!

      1. Julia*

        I think I was a little unfair when I wrote my post, and I apologize to everyone who gave me advice based on my venting.

        He does have the room for now, but I also use that room for entertaining a few times a year, which means his table has to move and so do his books. He also said he needed uninterrupted time to do research, which I understand. I’ve probably been a little too needy when he’s at home because he used to work so much (stupid Japanese jobs), and right now I’m always asking him to correct my job applications etc. (I also go out with friends, though, and it’s not like he does research then…)

        I love him and if I have to choose between my family and him, then he’s the one who’s always on my side even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. There’s a lot of history I omitted, and in fact he said he would move to Europe even if only I found a job there for now, but my career path isn’t as well-paying as his and things would be very difficult. I think a part of me also hates change and is really torn between just staying here where all my friends are and moving back “just” for my grandma, and he can tell I’m torn and it’s hard for both of us.

        Anyway, thank you everyone for your kind words and for letting me vent. I promise he’s actually a very good husband, just super clueless and sometimes weird, and he tolerates just as much of my weirdness.

        I’ll do some thinking about my future career options, but that’s not for this thread.

        1. TL -*

          There’s a lot of “he’s bad about X but I’m super difficult so it’s okay!” minimising in your comments. He can be great and put up with a lot from you BUT you still get to have boundaries and wants and needs. He doesn’t feel the need to minimize his needs and wants for you in this area, so why you should minimize yours for him? Instead, find a compromise that takes into account both of y’all’s needs, even if that compromise is “when we next move, we will look for an apartment that has room for your desk. That will be a priority.”

          Your husband should respect your boundaries without making it seem like they’re a burden for him to bear or that they’re preventing him from doing something very important. “Gratitude-driven sacrifices” aren’t a great relationship feature (special guest star, sure, but not a regular feature) and neither is an inability to compromise on his part.

          On that note, what makes a person difficult to be married to depends mostly on their spouse, not the person themselves.
          Ex: I am incredibly annoyed by habitually late people. My friend genuinely does not care if people are late to meet her. It is a great sacrifice for me to put with habitually late people. For her, it’s barely a blip on her radar. She also has anxiety and sometimes needs to talk her anxieties out extensively. She sometimes apologies for what a burden this must be for me, but it is not a burden at all – I genuinely don’t care if we need to spend thirty minutes every day for a week talking about an anxiety issue. I’m super extroverted and I love talking to her. (And if I said, hey not this week, I’m sorry, I know she would respect that and use another strategy, which means that it never feels like an obligation to me.)

          1. Julia*

            Thank you, that’s very insightful! I do think our relationship is generally much better than it comes across right now, but I’ll think about what you said!

    13. Nines*

      That sounds so frustrating! I will say I hear you on the “I guess I just won’t do research anymore” thing. My husband definitely throws tantrums as well. I feel like I’m slowly picking up the various reasons why he throws tantrums. And it’s never the reason he’s throwing a fit. He’s sensitive. So, you aren’t alone, and, the stuff with being so far from your family sounds really invalidating and frustrating. If it’s possible to visit Gma like other commenters have suggested, that may be the best choice here. And when my husband and I are at BEC levels with each other, a vacation from each other can be quite helpful!

      1. Julia*

        Thank you. Actually, I’m much more prone to tantrums than he is, especially lately because I just can’t seem to get what I want out of life and it frustrates me, whereas he’s just “all or nothing, so if I can’t get all, it’s nothing I guess, sad face”, which frustrates me as well.

        I don’t want to leave while I’m annoyed, though, because I always worry that I’d regret it if something were to happen to him. Plus my family (other than grandma) annoys me even more…

        1. blargity blarg*

          Be kind to yourself. You’re living abroad, in a country not known for being super open to foreigners, don’t have a job, in cramped quarters with a husband who you love but can be super frustrating, AND your grandma is unwell in another country. That’s hard! I’m glad you can vent here and hope that somethings fall into place for you soon.

          1. Julia*

            Thank you, you’re so kind!
            Luckily my grandma isn’t actually unwell, just really old, and both she and I are sad about this. I know I mostly brought this situation unto myself due to my life choices, but it still sucks.

    14. Dr. Anonymous*

      If he “needs” the big desk, can you have the spare room? He can research play video games at his big desk and you will have a workspace. It’s so important for the one who is stuck at home to have dedicated space.

      1. Julia*

        That would be great, but it’s a Japanese style room which means floor seating, and I have an injury that doesn’t allow that for longer stretches of time right now.

        It was me who picked this apartment, because it was the only top-floor one we could afford in the area we wanted to live in, so that’s not on him.

    15. LilySparrow*

      I find that nice but oblivious people (as you describe him) usually respond really well to having the facts laid out and then asking them what they think is reasonable or fair.

      So measure the square footage he’s taking up with the spare room and all his other takeover spaces, plus the desk. Then ask him how much space he thinks it’s fair for you to have for the things you want to enjoy or accomplish.

      Make him give you a number. How much of the apartment should be for his stuff, how much for your stuff, and how much for shared stuff?

      My husband isn’t like this about space, but he is sometimes overly optimistic about “making it all work,” and can’t see how it’s impacting me.

      Giving up the spare room in exchange for the desk seems like a reasonable trade-off, at minimum. But it will probably make more sense to him if you present it as a problem you’re solving together (we don’t have enough space for all the things we want), instead of an adversarial situation (you are taking my space).

      1. Julia*

        Thank you for your advice. Right now, he says I can do whatever I want with this apartment, and if he can’t do research because the desk is too small, it’s not my fault. I’m really trying to incorporate the desk for him, but now he’s also trying to have important conversations right before bedtime (it’s 1 am here) and acting really put out when I ask why he didn’t bring things up sooner.

        I guess we’re just in a really bad place right now where I’m angry because he gets what he wanted and I don’t get to move home again, and then he says I’m always angry at him…

        1. LilySparrow*

          Hang in there. Every marriage has periods like this. You have legit reasons to be upset. He has legit reasons to be stressed. You both feel like the situation is unfair.

          Don’t let it get between you. It’s not about the desk, or the space, or the move. It’s about feeling valued & supported as equal partners.

          Work on getting your stress level down & enough sleep so you can talk stuff out without being exhausted. A date night often helps. And then you can both come at the situation, get your needs and your wants on the table, and strategize how to make the best of it for everybody.

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          “he says I can do whatever I want with this apartment, and if he can’t do research because the desk is too small, it’s not my fault.”

          Yes, do whatever you want, but if you don’t give him the desk there’s nothing he can do to make do, and therefore he can’t do his research because you were selfish, but it’s not your fault. He’s still being a dick about things, he’s just being passive-aggressive and making you the bad guy instead of taking the initiative to make it work for both of you.

          Maybe he should be taking active steps to make things better (learning the language, finding ways to do his research without taking all the apartment, having talks at a reasonable hour) instead of setting things up where the only options are you take the shit yet again, or you’re responsible for sabotaging everything.

          1. Julia*

            That would be nice.

            I have a feeling he feels just as stuck as I am right now, because he knows that he has to be the provider right now, and that means not taking his dream internship in a different country for almost no pay. I get it, it sucks, and if he didn’t have me, he’d probably take it, but he brought me here, and he’s my family here right now, so what am I supposed to do?

            1. CM*

              Julia, in your comments I hear you being incredibly understanding and accommodating both of your husband, who is making the common mistake of assuming that his needs are more important than yours, and commenters who are also making all kinds of assumptions about your situation.

              Your needs and wants are important. Your needs and wants are worthy of being taken into consideration. And one thing I hear you saying is that you need some space and time of your own, whether that means physical space that’s just yours or the ability to make your own decisions without feeling you have to compromise. I encourage you to find that space and claim it, without feeling bad about it.

  33. not a chicklet*

    Yesterday after work I went for my regular 6 week color/haircut. I have a pixie that I get dyed blonde (natural color is a plan mousy dark brown). If you Google ‘Michelle Williams AFI fest’, that’s the cut and color I get. My regular stylist was sick so someone else took over for her. I have been going to this salon for years. She showed me examples of other cuts she did, and my color is listed in my file and just to be safe we looked in the color book.

    My hair came out white. White like a chicklet. No hint of blonde. White as the background of this site. The cut is good but the color is stark white. I went back today to see my regular stylist because I didn’t want the one who messed up to try to fix it. My regular stylist who I trust dearly said I need to wait 4 weeks because coloring it again now will fry it. So for the next 4 weeks I have to walk around with white hair. I’m thankful I have no social events in that time and that at work we have no client meetings because of the summer and that my boss is off for the next 4 weeks. He is a great boss but white hair wouldn’t fly in this environment.

    I realize this is a first world problem. I have a great family and friend group, my health and a good job. But my hair sucks and I hate it. I can’t even stand to look at it and my stomach is in knots just thinking of it. Thanks for listening to me complain.

    1. WellRed*

      First world, sure but that doesn’t make it unimportant. Sympathy! Lay low and treat yourself if you can.

    2. Jessen*

      In the meantime, would putting pretty things in it help? I have short hair and I have a lot of headbands and wraps and hats and all sorts of other things that go on my head.

    3. CAA*

      Ugh, that’s awful. Would you be able to use a temp color that stays more on the surface and lasts through a few shampoos, like Redken’s Color Rebel (they actually have a blonde shade in addition to the purple or red stuff, so not entirely rebellious). There are also a couple of things I’ve seen at Sephora that you use in the shower and are intended to prolong the time between colorings. If there’s one near you, you might have a chat with someone there and see if they have any recommendations that you could run by your regular stylist for approval.

      Also, I hope they refunded your money for the bad color/cut.

    4. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      Have you considered buying a wig? I had a friend who used to do wigs all the time because she liked to change her hair up.

      You can buy them pretty cheap on Amazon, they’re not human hair, but it might help you feel better until you can get it changed!

      1. Anonymosity*

        I think so too. I went to a small sci-fi/fantasy con at the library today and there was a woman there with long white hair (she was older). Like, pure white. It was GORGEOUS.

        If you hate it, thought, then it’s not so gorgeous. I second the temporary color idea, but not a chicklet, I’d be careful what you use in case the bleached hair is very porous.

    6. Detective Amy Santiago*

      This sounds incredibly frustrating. Can you wear hats/headwraps? What about hair chalk or something so it’s not just stark white?

    7. Girl friday*

      Try lowlighting at home! Ellebangs has a good video on Youtube. It is equivalent to 6 foils.

    8. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      There are temporary rinses (Roux?) at places like sally’s. You want temporary. No ammonia, no processing. You may have to wash in the color with every shampoo (so scarves and use a satin pillow case to extend as needed).
      She completely over-processed you! So you must not try to add any “semi” or regular color that has chemical.
      The white haired ladies that add blonde do it all the time. However, also remember that with the over processing, your hair is dry and damaged, and will suck up any color quickly. You will also want to condition it weekly (deep condition) so that you CAN have a decent result in the next hair-rehab.
      Sorry!!

      1. Chaordic One*

        I was thinking similarly, that even you do or don’t attempt any new coloring, you’ll probably want to try some deep conditioning, although I’m not really sure what would be good.

    10. Close Bracket*

      > I need to wait 4 weeks because coloring it again now will fry it

      Weeelllll, maybe. It depends on what kind of processing she is thinking of. Using more bleach will definitely fry it, but that is not necessary. Using a typical ammonia-based dye will damage it. But a light toner should be ok. A toner is like a regular dye, but with much, much less ammonia. It deposits color with no lift. There are also glossing treatments, which are actually conditioning. They deposit a little bit of color.

      I would ask for a second opinion, although I understand if you are not willing to try another unknown stylist at this point.

    11. Daphne*

      I’m sorry Not A Chicklet! But at least things like your boss being off will work in your favour until it can get fixed properly. In the meantime I’d just pretend to be Storm from the Xmen

    12. Julia*

      I’m sorry. If you could get in trouble at work over something, it’s definitely not a first-world problem in my book. Luckily, it seems like you’re covered there, and people had some good suggestions.

      I recently did some research on hair dyes and maybe the temporary ones won’t take well or look uneven, so I guess you’d have to consider which possibility is worse in your eyes, but the other posters seem to know their stuff.

    13. Ender*

      You can still put in a non-damaging dye like henna or a temporary dye.

      Definitely nothing ammonia-based or your hair WILL fall out.

      1. Julia*

        Don’t mix henna with commercial dyes! It might go horribly wrong, and the new color you want from your stylist next month may not take anymore.

  34. Doloris Van Cartier*

    This may be a little too complicated/medically but I figure everyone is so thoughtful here so why not try! I’m want to start improving my diet as I have a rare disease that affects major organs (brain, kidney, and heart) and I don’t want to add additional strain because of my weight and food choices. I have a history with an eating disorder so I’m not wanting to do anything extreme but make small changes. The problem I’m finding is with my condition I have a lot of stomach issues which makes a lot of healthier choices not great for me as they cause a lot of nausea and pain. I’m still working with a GI doctor to figure out what things I can and cannot eat but it’s getting pretty frustrating. I also have a lot of pain and fatigue and I don’t sweat properly so working out is never easy. I have a gym membership but usually, I feel so awful by the end of the day, it just seems too much to go and work out. I’m trying to sort out excuses I make because dieting is hard and kind of scary for me verse what is really not good for me or my body. I’d love to do something like yoga more but between lots of doctors bills and a non-profit salary, that’s out of my price range. If anyone has any tips or suggestions of where to start or plans that have worked for you in the past, I would so appreciate it. Thank you!!

    1. Temperance*

      Does your gym have classes included? You might be able to do yoga that way, for no additional cost. Good luck!

      1. Doloris Van Cartier*

        Unfortneltly, it does not. I may look into the cost of a gym in my area that does have classes as I’m not really using my membership at this point.

    2. Not All Who Wander*

      Have you tried swimming for exercise? The Y often has really affordable lap swim or even water aerobics-type classes. I have issues with overheating and aquatics are definitely the easiest on me.

      Food is so specific to each person even without medical issues I don’t have much to suggest there. (For example, I don’t tolerate dairy or many animal fats well.) I do a lot of little things like making my own salad dressings so I can use more vinegar & less oil, use lemon juice instead of mayo or cheese on my morning muffin/egg sandwich, switched completely to basic seltzer water instead of soda or juice, etc.

      Good luck!

      1. Doloris Van Cartier*

        I have in the past but if they are heated pools, it can be too humid and my vertigo kicks in. My body can be a bit of a diva at times! I think I tend to eat the same healthy things when I’ve dieted in the past so being a little more flexible and creative is probably what I need to do now to figure out how to balance it with my stomach issues.

        1. WS*

          I also have issues with vertigo and overheating (thanks thyroid!) and I have found that swimming at a slow, regular pace for longer, alternating between freestyle and backstroke, works a lot better for me.

          1. Julia*

            May I ask how you discovered the connection between your overheating and your thyroid? I have temperature regulation issues (I basically can’t stand artificial heat as much as most other people) and some vertigo, but doctors usually dismiss me.

    3. nd*

      I also suggest looking at your gym to see if they offer yoga classes. If not, you can find yoga videos on YouTube or even purchase DVDs at a reasonable price so you can do yoga at home. It’s not quite the same as having an instructor in person, but definitely better than doing nothing! Also, can you walk? Maybe you could start out with easy movement such as walking and yoga, then gradually build up to more intense work, such as body weight exercises, then eventually weights. Continue walking; it’s so good for you. As you get stronger and feel better, you can add cardio machines at the gym, or even running.

      The diet part can be tough with a medical condition. Not knowing what your limits are, I might suggest, for example, cooked vegetables instead of raw. A lot of people with GI problems cannot tolerate raw vegetables, but do well with cooked. In the winter, I make soups with a lot of vegetables, then blend them- makes them even easier to digest! But that will be up to you and your doctor to decide. Nuts and seeds, while healthy, can also be hard on the digestive system, but some people can consume them in nut or seed butter form. Same with beans and other legumes- eating them whole can cause GI issues, but 1) making sure to soak them well before cooking and 2) mashing them up before eating them seems to help a lot.

      Good luck.

      1. Doloris Van Cartier*

        Unfortunately no yoga classes at the gym but I use to follow a yoga youtuber so it’s a good reminder to start it up again. Once it cools down, I’ll be able to walk again so it’s just getting my mind ready to do that. It’s just pushing past the fatigue to figure out when I can do that. I tend to eat a lot of raw food so that’s a good idea to try the more processed verisons to see if that will help with processing those items.

        1. Bluebell*

          Try Yoga with Adriene. I first heard about her YouTube channel on a weekend thread here, and now I’m a definite fan.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      if you have Amazon Prime, there is at least one yoga video on there that you could try. also, Audible is now partnering with Aaptiv(?) and offering audio workouts for members.

    5. Ali G*

      Do you have community centers near you? Where I live you can join the community gym for like $150 and year and use it whenever. If classes are extra, they are like $2-5. That might be a cheaper option?

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Since you are working to find out what is wrong, now is an excellent time to check the basics. How’s your water intake each day? Do you get a set amount of rest each night? You could soak in a hot tub with Epsom salts. You can also look around and see what other basics jump at you as needing some attention. I went through a point in my life where I couldn’t get out of bed. So this is how I started handling things. Some of the stuff I changed was unique to my setting and some of my changes were personal preferences. For example, I noticed my laundry detergent made me sneeze and get congested. I switched out my detergent for something tamer. Not a big change, but why make myself go through that discomfort on top of other discomforts. I kept going like this. I got shoe inserts for support, to help my feet and my over all structure. I bought a luffa sponge to help my skin. You see the idea here- nothing big just a long series of well considered little changes to my normal routines. Those specific examples may not be of value given your givens, but you might find parallel ideas.

      You might want to investigate homemade soups made in a blender. There are also cold soups that you might like. Cooking like this takes energy, so you could think of it as your exercise also. Because soups are liquid the nutrition can get absorbed into the body quicker and it’s less apt to tax your system. My teeth are not aligned well at all. I don’t really chew, I pretty much swallow things whole, which really makes my digestive track work HARD. I know I feel better when I go on a soup binge. OTH, you may prefer just to blow some bucks on some organic soups pre-packaged.

      This last one is just my own experience. I have fought with vertigo for decades. My latest thing that has been a major help is giving up gluten. I cannot believe the difference it has made. This is just to say, if you keep trying you will find some amazing ideas.

      1. Doloris Van Cartier*

        Definitely some good things to think about. I know stress and sleep are two things I need to work on as I know that those are both struggles and can majority impact your health but I should probably start in small changes.

        That’s super interesting about the vertigo and gluten. I may have to give it a try!

    7. fposte*

      Speaking for myself, I’d say small steps are fine steps, and you don’t have to commit money. I’m a big non-gym person myself. You can do yoga at home from YouTube for 10 minutes in your underwear; it can be the first 10 minutes of an hour routine, even. If you like it, you can go longer, and if you want to upgrade you can buy a $15 mat. If you don’t, you wash the underwear and move on :-). If there are poses that are risky for you, you don’t have to do them–you can do another pose instead.

      Guts are all different, but with my Crohn’s, which also means I have low fiber tolerance, I’ve found restricting the eating *hours* to be really helpful, so start later and no food after dinner; it’s settled a few other digestive disturbances as well.

      1. Doloris Van Cartier*

        Very good reminder that I don’t need to be doing headstands on my first try. I tend to be a bit of an all or nothing thinker so I need to remember 10 minutes is better than nothing!

    8. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      You may be able to find free beginner-level classes like yoga or pilates hosted at libraries and farmers’ markets. But it’s also worth it to just do little things throughout the day that take a little more effort. Park further away from the store. Carry a hand-basket instead of pushing a cart. Send your documents to the printer farthest away from your desk. Take the stairs if it’s just one or two floors. It all adds up, but taking on a little extra here and there may keep you from reaching the point where you’ve overexerted yourself and feel terrible.

      Food is harder since you’re already dealing with mysterious GI issues, but the same principal could be applied. I’m a big fan of forgoing Major! Dietary! Overhaul! in favor of small sustainable tweaks. I generally aim for less processed foods and more vegetable, but that depends on what’s working for you and what you think your intolerances might be. For example, instead of cutting out bread I’ll have open-faced sandwiches on a single slice. If I want a burrito bowl I’ll eat a burrito bowl, but sub avocado for guacamole and plain black beans with a scoop of spicy fresh salsa for seasoned canned black beans with tons of added sodium. Maybe brown rice instead of white rice. Maybe even some sauteed garlicky greens instead of 1/3 of the rice. That way there were steps in the right direction, but I still feel like I got to have what I wanted.

      1. ronda*

        i take yoga at the library… my favorite instructor does classes at several different libraries.

        For pools stuff you just need to test what each place does. my Y pool is cool, but the one up by my moms house was warm. I didn’t like the warm water for the water aerobics. and the Y near my sister only has outdoor pool. apparently they cover it in the winter, but I went in the summer, so I did get sunshine on me.

  35. Little Bean*

    Does anyone here want a committed relationship but never want to get married, or know anyone who feels that way? I’ve been in multiple long-term relationships and never felt an urge to get married but I always figured that would change when I got older or met the right person. Well, I’m in my mid-30s, in a 2.5 year relationship with someone I love, we own a house together, I see us having kids and raising them together. I feel like any normal person would say those are all the conditions under which to get married. He wants to. I’m just… not sure. I’m not sure I don’t, but I’m not sure I do and I feel like it’s the kind of thing you really shouldn’t do unless you’re absolutely sure. It’s making me question whether this isn’t the right person for me… but maybe marriage just isn’t for me?

    1. matcha123*

      I’m ambivalent towards marriage. If it happens, it happens. That feeling doesn’t seem to be shared by many people. They seem to assume that most people, women in particular, have been eagerly awaiting their wedding day…

    2. tired of dating*

      I’ve never wanted to get married, I just wanted to be in long-term relationships. Marriage to me just felt too final, and divorce would be too expensive to me. I’d rather just live with a partner instead of marrying him.

    3. Ranon*

      Marriage is a legal contract. Particularly if you are planning on having children and particularly particularly if that process will result in a temporary or longer term loss or reduction in income for one partner, I would look very closely at the legal rights that marriage confers and consider whether you need them and whether marriage or another legal route is the best way to obtain them.

      I don’t know if pregnancy is a path that you would go down to bring children into your family, but I absolutely would not go into a pregnancy without a healthcare power of attorney and will in place.

      1. King Friday XIII*

        Yeah, this. As someone who had to wait for the ability to get married, and worried a lot during health scares because of it, I think your best bet is to look at the benefits marriage confers and whether you’d be advantaged by them. You mention owning a house together – how would that be handled if something happened to one of you while you’re not married vs if you are? Who is your next of kin? Do you already have a will? Have you gotten other contractual paperwork done up? What’s the time/expense of having a courthouse wedding vs getting all of this stuff handled individually?

      2. fposte*

        Yes. The irony for those who dismiss marriage as “just a piece of paper” (not that anybody here has said that) is that it takes a whole lot of other pieces of paper to protect what you want if you don’t have that paper.

        1. MysteryFan*

          Exactly This… the legal status of marriage just “automagically” takes care of all kinds of issues, that would require a lawyer and a fair amount of wrangling to confer on a ‘partner” relationship.

      3. Melody Pond*

        Second this. You could go down to the courthouse just to get the legal protections of marriage and literally not even tell anyone that you actually got married. Just tell everyone else you’re still just in a long-term committed relationship.

        I started pushing for marriage 5.5 years into my relationship with Mr. Pond, after he wound up in the ER and I wasn’t sure whether I’d have any rights/access to him if things got worse. We got married in May, and we did make it a small ceremony with close friends and family, but now that I’ve done it, the courthouse would’ve been plenty sufficient. We also made a pretty thorough prenup, to make sure we knew how we would split things up, if/when our relationship ends (because, let’s face it – the only other way this relationship ends is one of us dying. Makes sense to plan for a breakup).

      4. WS*

        Yes, this can be very important depending where you live. Where I live (Australia) marriage is equal to de facto, so unless you want to travel overseas or adopt from overseas, it’s not a big deal at all: insurance, healthcare, next of kin rights etc. are legally prohibited from discriminating on the basis of marriage. Where my brother lives (England) it is a huge deal legally and he recently got married in part because he and his partner wanted to buy a house.

    4. Lissa*

      Yeah, I’m in a long-term relationship, living with my partner, but don’t want kids. I have a really hard time feeling like marriage would…do anything? If it were ever financially/practically better, sure! And honestly I’m ambivalent enough I’d probably do it if my partner wanted to particularly. But it’s just…in my own experiences, getting married doesn’t ensure anything any more than a big party. It doesn’t mean forever, but there’s this pretense that it does, so I’m kinda like…why? If people talked about marriage more like “it’s a legal contract meaning that the two of you plan on doing X and Y” I think I’d feel less cynicism about it but it feels so weirdly disingenuous for the mindset around a couple being married to be “together forever!” when that isn’t the reality for so many (and IMO shouldn’t even be!)

      1. annakarina1*

        Yeah, I can’t get into the vows of “till death do us part,” I can’t see myself married to someone until one of us dies. I attended a wedding where the priest said something like “when two souls join as one,” and I had to hold back from laughing out loud, I can’t get into that kind of emotion towards marriage.

        1. Reba*

          In our vows we promised “to the end of our lives together” figuring that should work whether the end game is death or just a breakup. ;) I agree that a lot of the shmoopy stuff about weddings, while meaningful to some people, is Too Much for me and has little to do with my everyday marriage. But the wedding wasn’t purely a practical thing, either. Writing our own ceremony was critical.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Buying a house with a person is a pretty big commitment. Thinking about kids together is a life-long commitment as the kids will be the perpetual tie between the two of you.

      I don’t think there is such a thing as being absolutely sure. I do think there is a thing about having the determination to work at a relationship for the rest of our days, as in “I promise to make you my priority just as you promise to make me your priority.” Just my opinion, but couples start to lose each other when they no longer see each other as a gift in life. But then again, many types of relationships sour when we and/or they fail to remember what is precious about the relationship. It takes determination to remember why we chose our person.

    6. Washi*

      Is this a dealbreaker for him? And if not, what’s to stop you from just continuing the life you love and be open to marriage if your needs/feelings change?

      I dated my now-husband for 6 years (cohabitating for 3) before I felt any desire to get married. He was ready years before I was, but it just took me a while for marriage to be something I wanted, rather than just something I was willing to do for him.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      Who is completely sure about their relationships? I think having some doubts is normal. Maybe you could find a qualified person to air your doubts to and learn more about yourself. That said, marriage has MANY legal rights and privileges that living together doesn’t. (Does your state recognize common-law relationships? Some don’t and some might, but only after a certain number of years together.) It’s okay to not marry – just be informed on your state law.
      For example: you own a house together. What happens if one of you becomes incapacitated or dies? Unless you both have current wills, you’re probably not the next-of-kin for each other. Could the legal next-of-kin swoop in and cause trouble?
      You don’t have to be married to put together some basic legal rights, but you must see a lawyer in your state and get some paperwork going, especially when you own real estate together and are planning kids. Again, it’s fine to marry/not marry as long as you know where you stand legally on the big issues.
      Whatever you decide, be well and have a wonderful life!

    8. Penguin*

      I know several people who look at marriage this way. For that matter, I know several people who span the whole range from “partnership but not marriage” (like you describe) to “you’re awesome and I love the relationship we have, but I don’t want to run a house with you” (luckily for the latter, her partner is of the same mind).

      I suspect I lean towards your description myself; there are lots of legal reasons to get legally married, and I might marry a partner for the benefits marriage affords, but my emotional connection and commitment to someone are unaffected by a piece of paper saying I have legally tied myself to another person.

      You might find the book “Stepping off the Relationship Escalator” by Amy Gahran helpful in sorting out what you’re feeling, or at least in providing a perspective on relationships/marriage outside of some of the invisible cultural pressure many of us feel.

    9. Sylvan*

      Yeah, I feel pretty ambivalent about marriage. I grew up knowing there was a strong possibility it wouldn’t be legally possible, so I didn’t assume it was a given, and now… IDK.

      There are plenty of people in happy, committed relationships who aren’t married. Do what works for you and your SO.

    10. Reader*

      I was also ambivalent about marriage. I still am, really, but I am married now. We were together 6 years before we got married and didn’t/don’t plan to have kids; more significantly, though, I was dead set against having a wedding (the idea of planning and actually having one sent my anxiety through the roof), and the “married” label just was not important to me. In the end, the reason we got married was because we bought a house – easier to go through the legal aspects of that process as a married couple. Personally, I don’t feel our lives are one bit different since getting married, which is fine, because our life together is great!

    11. Traffic_Spiral*

      If you’re gonna have kids together you really should intend a permanent connection to this guy, because he’s a part of your life for as long as the kids are around.

    12. Gaia*

      I do not feel any need to get married whatsoever. I am not religious so that side of things doesn’t come into play. And I don’t really feel like I would need to register my relationship with the government. My family would all be well aware that I was committed to this person. And I’ve never been fond of mixing finances. With living wills, advanced directives, power of attorney, etc….I just don’t see a need. If my partner felt strongly, I would do it because I’m not opposed. I’m just kind of…..meh?

      1. Gaia*

        I will say thought that while I would get married if my partner felt strongly I would *not* have a wedding. I have absolutely zero interest in a wedding ceremony. It would be the courthouse, with a justice, just us. No real vows. Sign the paper and let’s go.

    13. Julia*

      My sister doesn’t even live with her partner of more than a decade; they don’t have kids, though, and I think in her case, it’s because she was married before and didn’t want that anymore.

      I agree with the posters below that marriage makes sense from a legal point of view if you want kids. In my case, I also ended up in the ER once and thought my now-husband should have access and the right to decide if something terrible were to happen to me.

    14. Cambridge Comma*

      I’m not very bothered about marriage, and I have to constantly remind myself that we did actually get married because it’s so unimportant to either of us and we didn’t have a wedding, just signed some forms. To be honest, not caring made it easier, not harder for us to do it. It has been so much more convenient to be married than I expected in terms of bureaucracy and tax breaks. Once you’ve been with someone for a certain length of time, I don’t see that a break up gets any easier because it isn’t a divorce.
      People can go on about ’til death do us part’ as much as they like but the infidelity and divorce statistics tell you how that often works out.

    15. Lora*

      The bottom line legally is how do you feel about your next of kin? Whoever that is will get your property when you die, your insurance payouts, and will make decisions for you when you’re too ill to make your own.

      If you love that person and they will make good decisions on your behalf, cool. No urgent reason to get married.

      If your next of kin is a giant asshole, maybe think about how to handle that from a legal standpoint.

      My mother was (and is) a giant asshole but is now no longer competent to make decisions; however my ex-husband became a giant asshole as time goes on too, so. Now my brother is my next of kin for legal purposes and he’s great.

      You can set up a lot of paperwork designating someone else to be a healthcare proxy and whatnot, but family members hell-bent on assholery can fight them in court and succeed. If you have a family member who is sane but may be not technically next of kin, it’s sometimes easier to protect yourself from a legal standpoint if you designate that person your beneficiary, healthcare proxy, etc because they can claim they are family too, plus they know more realistically why you are choosing them over your actual next of kin and may be more motivated to fight for you – lots of people tend to cave and tell themselves, “but faaaaaaaamily” if they don’t have a long and intimate acquaintance with the depths of evil

    16. aarti*

      My partner and I are getting married for visa reasons as we are from two different countries. Neither of us were big on the idea of marriage so we we’re doing a City Hall type thing and then no wedding. We want the legal protections (and want to have kids) but didn’t want a wedding. Everyone was so shocked like how could we get married without even a party. But it’s not required!

    17. Ender*

      here’s my story: i had a baby with my boyfriend and one on the way. We each owned houses we had before we moved in together, we separately owned cars etc. We went to see a solicitor about sorting out wills etc and she basically asked us why on earth we didn’t just get married (though she was a bit politer about it). Where I live there are lots of reasons getting married improves things when it comes to Tax, estate planning, social welfare, etc. when we looked at all the actual benefits, the reasons we had not to do it just seemed a bit silly. A few weeks later we got engaged.

      Now laws vary widely on this so there may not be any good legal reason for you to get married, but look into things like Tax and estate planning (wills etc) and if it is actually beneficial take that into consideration in your decision.

  36. Foreign Octopus*

    I need some advice to help manage my tiredness.

    I’m working as an online teacher (relevant as it’s to do with screen time) and in between my lessons, I’m also in front of my computer working on my first novel. I’ve nearly finished (oh my god, I can’t believe I’ve actually written what I have – I didn’t think it was possible) but I’m finding that I get really, really tired at about three in the afternoon. Not just normal tired but it feels as though my brain turns to mush and I can’t focus. I’ve taken to having naps in the middle of the day when I can but there’s got to be a better solution that will let me keep writing as I enjoy it and I want to finish my novel by the end of the month but that means I’m also not napping for a couple of hours every day.

    For what it’s worth, I do sleep during the night about eight-nine hours, which is normally fine but because I’m in front of the computer for longer, I’m getting wrecked.

    Any advice?

    1. Buu*

      Are you taking proper breaks too? Get up and walk around even if it’s just to but the garbage out. Also make sure you drink enough, and eat something small like some fruit or nuts. I get super tired around 3 too but will perk right up if I talk a walk to the office kitchen and grab a snack.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I’m actually not taking proper breaks.

        I tend to teach at my desk, then between lessons I move downstairs so that I can type outside, and then it’s back to my desk for more lessons.

        Proper breaks might really help here. Thanks.

    2. Overeducated*

      Midafternoon is a tough time. I sometimes self medicate with caffeine and/or sugar or take a break around 3, but since I got a standing desk a few months ago i haven’t been struggling as much on a daily basis. If that’s not an option, maybe a quick walk break followed by a cup of tea would help revive you?

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I do have a can of diet pepsi around 2-3pm that generally gives me a little bump. I’m not sure how much caffeine is in it though. It might just be the placebo effect.

        1. GermanGirl*

          Actually, there is not that much caffeine in Pepsi. If you want caffeine, drip coffee is your best bet (it has even more caffeine than espresso does, but espresso or almost any other type of coffee works as well).

          Also, caffeine takes a while to kick in, so drinking it at 2 might wake you up at 4. Try drinking your caffeine earlier. Maybe the Pepsi already has enough caffeine for your needs but you have to drink it at lunch in order for it to kick in at 3pm.

          I used to have really bad bouts of tiredness after lunch and would then start drinking coffee, which didn’t help much apart from the placebo effect, so I drank more and more until my stomach started a rebellion. I went without coffee for a while (I had tea instead, the after lunch tiredness wasn’t any different) and then I read an article about caffeine and that it takes 2-4 hours until it really kicks in, so since about two years ago I drink one cup of coffee some time before lunch and my after lunch tiredness is pretty much gone.

    3. Thursday Next*

      What is your most productive time of day for writing? Is there a way to structure your schedule so you can be writing during that time, and doing something less taxing when you’re tired?

      For me, it’s not always about having more time, but about being more deliberate in how I allocate it.

      (Also—mid-afternoon is a really common time to be fatigued.)

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Honestly, I think it’s between 1-4pm with an extra burst in the evening if I need to get something done, which is why the mid-afternoon fatigue is very frustrating.

        I remember I used to get like it when I worked in an office in front of a computer but I put that down to boredom and the fact I really disliked my job.

        1. Thursday Next*

          It’s my most productive time, too. I work for 50 minutes out of the hour, and set a timer. The next ten minutes I stretch away from my desk and walk around the apartment. I think physical activity is really helpful, as many people here are saying.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You might get benefit from a drink with electrolytes in it, minerals for the brain to keep it up and running.
      I know my brain works better if I eat chicken or salmon for dinner. If I run low on my veggie or water intake, my brain will fall asleep way too often.
      You may just need to move around more. Can you get a walking partner, someone who will nag you to go? Even a dog can fill this slot for you. They are good at deciding to go for walks and nagging us.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I hadn’t considered a drink with electrolytes. This sounds like a very good idea, thank you.

        And I do have a dog. I know he would like more walks – then again, he’d be happy just walking all day – so maybe a quick 10 minute one might be good.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        That’s an excellent question, WellRed. There is no physical activity. I walk the dog for 20 minutes twice a day but, other than that, my life is pretty sedentary, which I know is not healthy. I’ve been thinking of skipping rope in the garage for ten minutes here and there to add a bit of physicality to my day – going to a gym isn’t an option at the moment because of where I live but I could definitely do with more movement.

    6. LowOnVitD*

      Get your vitamin D checked. Mine was horribly low but of course I had to complain to 3 different doctors before they would test for it. Fuckers. But yes, now it is better, like 40. Before it was 5, which is critically low. You may need prescription vitamin D (pills) if it is very low. Which is prob another uphill battle with the doctors but keep pushing.

      1. only acting normal*

        Similar advice, but for me it was low iron.
        Basically get some bloodwork done to check for deficiencies.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        This is slightly concerning but thanks for raising it as it’s not something I’d considered.

        1. Julia*

          A LOT of people are low in vitamin D (I know I am), but it’s not dangerous if you get your levels up soonish.
          If you burn like me, or take any medication that makes you sensitive to the sun, supplements are the way to go. Take them with something oily (I take them with my omega 3 capsules) and, if you can, some magnesium for better absorption. (Apparently, the body needs magnesium to absorb vitamin D, but I’m not a doctor.)

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I didn’t even know you could dictate a novel!

        I’m not sure I’d enjoy the process as my novel is sort of unfolding with very little planning from me. It’s sort of was like a seed and now it’s growing and I’m getting really surprised by the colours and the depth of it all so maybe dictation won’t be good for me but I’m fascinated by the idea of it.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          Yep, dictation! I bought Dragon for my computer and it’s amazing and fast! You’ll have to proofread later, but for letting the words flow when you’re inspired…I hope you’ll try it! Even though Dragon is not very expensive, see if someone has a set you could borrow for a trial run.
          Best of Luck on your novel! I’m excited for you!

    8. Cambridge Comma*

      Did it start before the summer? Could it be this heatwave?
      For the writing, is there a cafe or library you could go to that would keep you more alert?
      Otherwise, eye test, or maybe those coloured glaases that reduced computer related eyestrain?

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        You know, it might be the heatwave. I’m in Spain right now and it’s been unbearable for the last two weeks and I don’t have air conditioning.

        I live in the middle of nowhere – my closer neighbours are a field of judgemental cows – so going somewhere else to write and also teach isn’t an option right now.

        I do worry about eyestrain – I like the idea of those coloured glasses.

        1. Not me*

          See your eye doctor! I noticed a huge difference in my energy levels late in the day when I started wearing appropriate glasses for computer viewing.

        2. Julia*

          I just got glasses that cut blue light, and they do seem to make a difference. Plus, my eyes got a little worse, so the new prescription probably helps as well.

    9. WS*

      Are you getting overheated or in a stuffy room by that time of day? Are you getting up at least every 30 minutes? Are you using eyedrops to help your eyes stay hydrated with all that screen time?

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I’m not too overheated as I seat right in the cross-section of two open windows that give me the illusion of a breeze. I’m not getting up every 30 minutes and I’m not using eyedrops (didn’t know that was a thing) but these are all good ideas. Thank you.

    10. LilySparrow*

      Lots of good ideas here.

      Did anyone mention sugar crashes? If you eat a carb-heavy lunch or have sugary snacks during the day, it can make the afternoon dip worse.

      If you don’t see significant improvement from the adjustments here, you might want to look at sleep quality. Total hours don’t help that much if it’s not good sleep. If you snore, thrash around a lot, etc, a sleep study could be in order.

    11. Miss H*

      Not about tiredness, but…

      Please make sure you have file backups for your novel! At least one that is in your home but not physically attached to your computer (external hard drive or USB stick that you leave unplugged) and one offsite (on the cloud or a USB stick at a family member or close friend’s house).

      You mention how close to the end of writing you are and how you never thought you could do it, and all I can see is trope movie cop saying he has one last shift before retirement.

    12. Annie Moose*

      Another possible medical thing–my mom has hypothyroidism (where the thyroid under-produces hormones–more common in women than men), and before it was diagnosed, she would just crash in the late afternoon. I’d come home from school and she’d be basically passed out in bed. Once she was diagnosed and got on medication to control it, things got so much better.

      In particular, if you know of anyone in your family who has it (it can be genetic) or if you have high cholesterol (it can cause this), it might be worth getting checked out.

    13. Marion Ravenwood*

      No advice, because I am also terrible for this, but I’d just like to say thank you for asking the question and to all those who replied with their suggestions. I’ll definitely be putting some of those into practice.

      Also, well done on your novel!

  37. He be ge be*

    Fun Question! Now that fall is a soon approaching us; What are your favorite activities to do during this season and Why?

    2. JaneB*

      Going outside in full daylight without melting! Breathing properly in the crisp low pollen air! I loooove Autumn

    3. Mimmy*

      Not an activity, but I kinda like seeing people in costume on Halloween, especially the really young kids.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Bake pumpkin muffins, run in weather that’s actually refreshing to run in, take car or train rides to enjoy the fall foliage, and fondly remember the days that we actually started getting fall weather in September in NYC (as opposed to early November).

    5. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Go for a walk early in the morning, while the air is still crisp and cold, and watch the sun come up. I love not having to get up at 4AM to watch the sunrise!

      Line drying towels and linens. I don’t have a fireplace but some of my neighbors do, so in the fall and winter my line dried things smell like campfire.

    6. Merci Dee*

      There are a couple of TV stations that play Halloween movies every night in October, and I always look forward to that. Some are scary, some are goofy and cheesy, but they’re all great. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I love an excuse to celebrate for an entire month!

    7. Nicole76*

      Photographing the fall foliage, decorating the house with pumpkins and leaves, all the awesome festivals in the area, sweater weather, and Halloween related events. It’s my favorite time of year!

    9. Ali G*

      Thanksgiving!!! My favorite holiday and I get to host :)
      I love making the big meal and having family around (these days we host my in-laws but they are all awesome).

    11. Trixie*

      I find fall temps easier to dress in with variety and flexibility between layers, boots, etc. Easier to find richer colors and fewer of the prints that are inescapable during summer. Also, the house reaches that perfect temperature that does not require a/c or heat. More soups and roasted veggies from Farmer’s Market.

    12. Ellie*

      Here on the coast of Texas, my favorite fall activity is to be Not Hot. That’s it. Just not hot.

    13. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I LOVE FALL. However, I now live in the south, where there is no fall. Well, ok, maybe for about a week in November, but that sucks. I miss apple picking with my friends and then baking pies and making applesauce. I miss hot cider. I miss wearing cute jackets. I have not purchased a cute jacket in four years.

    14. Marion Ravenwood*

      Going for long country walks on those days when it’s clear and cold and crisp and all the leaves are turning, and then finishing up at a pub with a roaring fire for a roast dinner.

  38. Cat*

    I know “making friends” is a common topic here, and I’m not exactly looking for advice, but I’ve realized something about myself that makes post-college (and I am WAY post-college) friendmaking really hard for me.

    I’m an introvert who is only really interested in being friends with other introverts. This has led to my current situation of really wanting to make this new friend. I’ve already met her! We’ve actually already established (I think?) that we want to be friends! You’d think that would be it, right?

    Except we are both so socially awkward and introverted that our attempts to make plans together end up as one of us will say “We should hang out sometime soon!” or “Text me if you want to hang out this weekend” but then immediately run out of the room/text conversation with something like “I gotta go now” before actual plans have been made. We are BOTH guilty of this. And the result is that we actually haven’t successfully gotten together in months.

    It is kind of comical, although I really wish I could figure out a way to comfortably get past this mountain of introversion and get to know her better!

    1. Lily Evans*

      Pick a day and time and find something you’d like to do with her and just present it as an already made plan you’re inviting her along to. Like “I’m planning on checking out this new art exhibit on Saturday afternoon, would you like to join me?” Having a very specific plan from the beginning makes it easier because you don’t get caught in the limbo of “we should…” that it sounds like you’re in right now.

      1. Reba*

        Yes! And then if she can’t come, you can still go to the thing, and then you will have gotten out and done a thing, and you still get some social credit for trying!

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          Thirding this. It’s worked really well for me as a ‘step up’ from meeting people via Meetup to then actually developing friendships.

    2. Nita*

      I had a friend once who’s also an introvert… we emailed each other a lot, and made plans by email too because we’re not big fans of unexpected phone calls. We found a couple activities we both enjoy (hiking and concerts) and did a lot of that. It was a good friendship, even though it didn’t weather us ending up in different places in life…

    3. fposte*

      I think this may be leaning more toward shyness and maybe social anxiety than introversion–you’re both nervous about making yourself vulnerable by explicitly suggesting a thing so you’re trying to leave space for the other person to do it. It’s just as easy to say “Brunch at Grossouts this weekend?” as it is “Text me if you want to hang out.” So I’d say that’s how you get past it–by being direct about what you want to have happen.

  39. Falling Diphthong*

    Legion, Seasons 1 and 2:

    When you’re telling a visual story, you can set up odd things up so that they are mysteries the viewer expects to have explained. Or so that they read as ambience that the viewer understands are just color, and you will never get an explanation as to exactly how Weird Thing works.

    For me, Season 1 hit that balance perfectly–weird, trippy, but things that were bizarre at the start of the episode (who is this guy? where is he? why does he talk like this? why did his drink freeze?) would be clear if you watched a second time, with the context given by the entire episode. Sometimes the context came in later episodes, but mostly the mysteries were self-contained to that episode.

    This led me to give Season 2 a lot of leeway to explain things–okay, this was weird, but they’ve built trust with the first season so viewers know that if we stick around, these actions will all make sense. And then it dragged on and on and the questions just lay there, like “Does it matter why he did this, if it looked cool and weird?” And yes, yes it does. It matters a lot. I could get into the jaw-droppingly stupid choices made by characters in the last few episodes–it was like the opposite of competence porn–but I think the baseline difference was in setting up weird things and then providing the kaleidoscope shift through which those things would seem rational.

    1. soupmonger*

      I ageee completely. I re-watched S1 and was blown away by it; it was truly adventurous storytelling. And there was a good story to tell. S2 seemed to be deliberately quirky, with weird things going on which made little sense and didn’t add much to the narrative. I think the writer had a brilliant and clear idea of S1, and then it was a hit, additional seasons got funded but the ideas weren’t there.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Completely agree re season 1. Episode 1 alone is a wonderful, self-contained origin story that trusts the viewer to put things together. Truly beautiful.

        In S2 Ep1 I loved the danceoff! It was so beautifully choreographed, with Cary’s unexpected solo as a delightful bonus–and I waited to find out what it was a metaphor for. And waited, and waited, and at the end of S2 I still don’t know. Maybe the orb held onto David for a year, then spit him into a dance club where he and Oliver just literally had a dance-off because they couldn’t think of anything else to do.

    2. Not My Money*

      The show runner for Legion has publicly stated that he’s more interested in evoking a mood than furthering the plot. Which is why I don’t bother. I like a story to maybe, I don’t know, do both.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        *sigh* Yeah, I don’t see why you wouldn’t do both.

        There’s a children’s book by the guy who does the very elaborate alphabet pages, that is intended to be suggestions of stories. Each spread is one intricate illustration with a lot of elements that might suggest the image is a frame from a complete story, but it doesn’t tell you what the story is. The next spread is completely different. It should read as a prompt to the imagination, but instead just feels like someone had a scattering of ideas and didn’t bother to flesh any of them out.

        In writing, it’s usually easy to come up with ideas. Crafting them through to a satisfying resolution is the hard part. “Tell me a story” hits something very deep in humans and what we need; rambling about with mood and no plot is the very definition of a frustrating thing people try to head off whenever Uncle Benny starts to tell the bear story.

  40. Kristin*

    think my body processes sodium more quickly than average, but I’m not totally sure what’s going on.

    Essentially, I discovered I need to eat large amounts of sodium (via broth, usually). Without supplementing sodium on a REST day, I get irritable, tired, slow, develop shortness of breath, and sleep poorly. On a workout day without supplementing sodium, I feel all of the above symptoms, plus headaches, extreme difficulty sleeping, and extreme discomfort, like all my muscles fibers are inflamed.

    I thought it was a problem with not eating enough protein, but upping intake didn’t help.

    Eating salty broth relaxes me so much. It’s like my body can function again. I can think. I can feel happy. My muscles relax.

    I’ve never heard of this being such a huge issue. My sodium levels are normal on the blood tests. I’m not a marathon runner. I work out 1-3 hours a day, 5 days a week, a combination of yoga, dance, strength training, and bicycling. (Usually closer to the 1-hour mark.) Heck, the people I know who ARE marathon runners don’t seem to have this issue. I have to have an entire bowl of soup with every meal just to feel normal. Even in the morning. Is this normal? Is there something I should get checked???

    tldr: I have to eat a ton of sodium to feel normal. Underlying issue?

    1. A username for this site*

      Yes, get it checked, you probably have another health issue or vitamin deficiency going. Sodium and potassium are used heavily in your muscular and neurological system, so it’s worth getting a proper evaluation to make sure you have all of the vitamins and nutrients you need to be healthy.

      My second question would be how is your hydration? If you have issues with hydration and electrolytes, that could be why you need sodium (an electrolyte) to feel better.

      Either way, check with the doctor.

      1. Kristin*

        I drink a lot of water. I pee a lot. It seems more frequently than most. I don’t know. Nothing has come back in my blood work really.

    2. CAA*

      One of my SIL’s has a condition that requires her to take sodium supplements. I’ve forgotten the name of it, but it’s hormone related. I do know she has to have regular blood tests to check her levels of sodium and a few other things because there’s concern that over-correcting for low sodium can cause other health issues. Anyway, that’s just to say that yes, I think you should discuss this with your doctor.

    3. Someone Else*

      There are some genetic conditions that make one a “salt waster”. Most of those I’m aware of are also life-threatening tho, so you’d probably know if you had one. But I’m not a doctor so there may be other less scary conditions associated with salt wasting. I guess my point is: that is a thing.

    4. It’s all good*

      My daughter craved salt growing up, we usually didn’t let her give into it. It wasn’t until her teens we discovered she has POTS, Postural Orthostatic Tacycardia Syndrome. Her body need salt to keep her blood volume up. Since discovering this, she maintains electrolytes and salt intake higher than most people and her quality of life drastically improved. Broth based soups have always been her favorite. I hope you figure it out. What do doctors say about it?

      1. Kristin*

        Thank you so much! What kind of doctor would I go to? Endocrinologist or sports medicine or GP?

        My doctors have… not been helpful. I only just discovered salt helps. I gave up going because listing my symptoms, they tend to tell me I must have “anxiety” and recommend SSRIs, or similar. But knowing salt helps might help testing. My blood work has always been normal. Is there some other test I’d need? Is there anything else she does besides broth?

      2. OyVey*

        I mentioned this in a stand alone comment also.

        My sister got a referral through her PCP first to Neurology (rule out MS and other similar diseases) and then to cardiology. Cardiologist ultimately diagnosed her. If you aren’t having problems with feeling something ranging from “off balance” to “dizzy/about to faint” when you stand, POTS is unlikely to be the underlying issue.

        However, Addison’s disease (affects your adrenal glands and is influenced by salt) and a number of other conditions should be screened. For those, you probably want to start with a referral to an endocrinologist.

      3. it's all good*

        Nothing showed up in her blood work. She was told it was anxiety too. I heard about POTS and requested a Tilt Table Test to confirm POTS (POTS is a neuro issue, but the TTT is administered by a cardiologist). She also has EDS (Ehler Danlos Syndrome), Type 3. Look up POTS and EDS and see if any of the symptoms resonated with you. Also go to Dysautonomia International for other related POTS diseases.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            From my experience (I have muscle problems; supplements help) start with a neurologist or endocrinologist.

        2. Kristin*

          Oh. I looked up EDS and that doesn’t look like what I have but I’ll look into the others. Thanks.

          1. it's all good*

            She was referred by her neurologist to a cardiologist for the tilt table test. And I’m glad EDS does not sound familiar!

    5. Detective Amy Santiago*

      What’s your blood pressure like?

      I’ve had issues with low blood pressure since high school and I’ve always eaten a high sodium diet because of that. If your blood pressure runs low, that can make you feel lethargic and unable to focus.

      1. Nita*

        Was about to ask the same thing! My blood pressure is always really low, and I feel off when I don’t eat enough salty foods. It got so bad with pregnancy that my head hurt for three months straight, and I had doctor’s orders to increase my coffee and pickle intake (the coffee didn’t help, the pickles did, but not much).

      2. Kristin*

        I’m sure that’s related, but I know how it’s feels to have low blood pressure, and it’s not just that from the way my muscles feel.

    6. Cedrus Libani*

      I need to supplement salt too. Otherwise, my blood pressure runs low and I feel like crap.

      There are genetic conditions that can make people worse at retaining salt. Some of them are indeed bad enough to be life-threatening, but there are milder versions where you’re just slightly worse than normal. (My dad also needs a high salt intake, so I think there’s something genetic involved for me.) It’s worth getting inspected by a doctor, but you will likely just be told to eat more salt.

      Make sure you’re getting potassium and magnesium, too. I like to make a blend of regular and lite salt, generally 5:1 by weight (too much potassium at once can be a problem, but you do need some), and I keep it with me to supplement as needed. I take a magnesium pill at night with my other vitamins.

      1. Kristin*

        Thanks. Thanks to everyone who commented also.

        I feel a bit overwhelmed by vitamins, but I’ve been trying to eat a lot of vegetables. Magnesium I’m pretty sensitive to (mostly stomach), even with a little. I’ve heard potassium supplements can be dangerous. How do you regulate your intake? Did a doctor help with the diet?

        1. Bluebell*

          You can use magnesium spray on your feet as an easy way to absorb magnesium. I do that when I go through phases of getting foot cramps.

        1. Cedrus Libani*

          Your best bet would be an endocrinologist. Salt balance is regulated by hormones – the salt hormones are closely related to, and derived from the same precursors as, the better-known sex hormones. The genetics of how this can go wrong are complicated (and still kind of a work in progress…I design genetic tests for a living, all I can say is that there has been swearing in this general direction). However, there are abnormal hormone states that can be tested for, and which can cause salt-wasting and related issues.

          If my symptoms were worse, I would park myself in front of an endocrinologist and demand a full work-up. As it is, I’m fine when I get my salt in, so I haven’t pushed the issue. I’ve brought it up with my GPs, who weren’t that concerned. Some people just need more salt, it’s a thing.

          I can usually tell when I need salt. If I’m feeling at all draggy, it’s the first thing I try. I find that adding a bit of potassium to the mix helps with muscle cramps, which is one of my symptoms. However, there are some types of salt issues that cause you to lose sodium and hoard potassium, and high potassium is not safe. Any doctor can check for that with a simple blood test – if that’s abnormal, you absolutely need a specialist, and even if not, it’s better to err on the side of caution. Magnesium is easier to dial in, it has a laxative effect when you’ve gotten too much, so you’ll know.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      This sounds like a mineral loss of sorts.

      I agree with the idea of getting a drink with electrolytes in it.
      You can make your own.
      1/4 teaspoon baking soda
      1/4 teaspoon salt– sea salt
      1 quart mason jar filled with water.
      Shake it up to mix it.

      I drink two a day to feel normal. I don’t work out but I have a lot of stress for [reasons] and I burn right through vitamins and minerals because of the stress.

      You work out 1-3 hours a day. This is a lot. Please check into what types of nutrition you might need to support this activity level. This is pretty rigorous if you are working and maintaining a household in addition to all this exercise.

      I would definitely recommend switching to sea salt if you have not done so already. You may be interested in the subject of salts, so it might be worth googling and reading. I see so many different types on the shelf at the grocery store now. Also, from my own life I see that with some people a high sugar intake goes hand-in-hand with a high salt intake.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          That’s what my practitioner said to use :) . I believe baking soda helps settle stomachs so I assume it’s to help ease the absorption of the salt into the body. Just my best guess though.

    8. AnonGD*

      FWIW I used to work with a lot of registered dietitians and they found that some people just feel better with certain diets and as long as nothing is coming back alarming in your bloodwork or there’s no underlying condition– what works for you works for you!

      I’m a cancer survivor so I’m the first person to advocate for seeing the doctor and being looked at thoroughly, and you 100% should in this case, but in my post-cancer life I’ve learned that a lot of what makes a person healthy is intuitive, too. If you have a good rapport with your GP ignore this advice– but I would make sure you’re very firm and detailed about what you’ve found so far– in my experience far too many doctors, male and female, chalk your symptoms up to stress/exhaustion. I know a lot of cancer survivors who were told they were stressed and then months later found out they had cancer! So make sure you get looked at thoroughly and actually tested for likely conditions– but if they can’t find anything I wouldn’t trouble yourself too much as long as you’re not consuming dangerous amounts of sodium.

      1. Kristin*

        Wow. Sounds like you’ve got a really good head on your shoulders. Thanks for the advice. I wasn’t expecting this many positive, helpful comments on a work blog!

    9. OyVey*

      If I were a friend or beloved family member, I would tell you to get your kidneys and adrenal glands checked carefully, as well as a good screening for diabetes, just to be on the safe side. There are a number of conditions ranging from mild to significant that could cause you to need extra sodium.

      My sister and I both have ideopathic POTS and one of the treatments for it is sodium supplementation. My presentation is very mild – I need a bit extra salt, need to be extra aware of hydration when the weather is hot/dry, but otherwise it doesn’t much affect my life. My sister’s case is very severe, to the point that she has to be concerned about the possibility of vascular dementia in her future because she regularly faints from lack of blood flow through her brain (in POTS, blood pools in your abdomen or extremities and doesn’t circulate as efficiently as it should, usually associated with unusually low blood pressure and erratic heart rate). She takes prescription medication, and both sodium and caffeine pills to treat hers.

      A friend and her daughter don’t metabolize sodium properly. They flush too much and have to supplement with sodium or “oversalt” their food to keep enough in their bodies.

      There are additional diseases affecting your adrenals and kidneys that you should get screened for. Please do. Some of them are pretty severe if not treated.

      1. Lizzy B*

        Thanks for the advice. I don’t need a referral for a specialist — do you recommend one, or going to the GP?

  41. Why is being alive so expensive?*

    I am a 24 year old recent graduate. I spent 6 years at university so have not been in the “real world” before. I have my first job (yay) and and my first non student accommodation flat (yay). But why is maintaining a flat so expensive? I want to go back to being an irresponsible student.

    Seriously though, any budgeting advice or advice on renting a flat would be appreciated (I’m in London, UK so some advice from US readers may not be applicable but I imagine much of it will be)

    1. Buu*

      Iceland is very good for frozen veg & some ingredients like mince, ginger etc. If you buy frozen for stuff you’re cooking anyway you can take what you need and avoid spoilage.

      Renting is a pain though, especially London it’s so expensive.

      1. Why is being alive so expensive?*

        I come from the North of England. The rent I spend on a tiny studio apartment would get me a 5 bedroom house in the suburbs of Carlisle (for those who don’t know Carlisle is a the Northernmost city in England quite near the Scottish border).

        1. Thursday Next*

          One thing I will say is that the comparative line of thinking can be unhelpful, unless you are seriously considering relocating. If you aren’t, it may breed envy and frustration.

          I live in NYC so I understand it—if I lived in other parts of the US, I could have a big house with a garage and a sizable yard (garden?). But moving isn’t an option, so I try not to let myself think like that.

          More practically, buy secondhand where possible, for instance, non-upholstered furniture or quality dishes.

          Menu planning can save you lot of money as well. If cooking meals after work is difficult, cooking large portions over the weekend that you can eat during the week is helpful. It also cuts down on food waste if you plan how you’re going to use all of your fresh produce.

        2. Cambridge Comma*

          What are the prospects and wages in Carlisle, though?
          Also, is the premium of a bedsit vs. a room in a shared house worth it?
          (You can get lower rent by being a property guardian, if that’s something you’d be into.)

    2. Villanelle*

      what are you finding expensive? can you give more details of what you’re spending your money on e.g. travel to work, car, tube, etc?

    3. Hannah*

      How I’ve managed to live on a HCOL area with a not-so-high income is to make myself a very strict budget. I divide my monthly income into categories, and every purchase/bill/withdrawal gets assigned to a category. For example, if you take in $2000 a month, maybe $800 is for rent, $200 for groceries, $200 for savings, $100 for transportation, etc., until you get to $2000.

      These amounts may need adjustments over several months as it becomes clear what you spend your money on, and how much money you really have to spend. With every purchase, there is a little voice in the back of my head saying “where in the budget is this money coming from, and what else do I need to spend in that budget this month?” to help me make the decision about whether or not to make that purchase. I also save up for larger purchases by leaving some of one budget category on the table one month, in order to roll it over to the next. For example, I don’t spend all of my “Vacation” budget each month, so that when vacation time actually does come around, I have a nice big rollover budget in there that I’ve been “saving” for.

      Of course, when you do this, you might find you may not really have enough money to cover all your expected/desired expenses, but that is information that is better to know than to be surprised with later! At that point, you need to choose where you could possibly make reductions or maybe earn some extra income, before it gets to the point where you run out of money for your bills.

      1. Why is being alive so expensive?*

        Thank you for this advice. I believe I will be able to cover my bills (don’t know how much saving I’ll manage though)

        I used a UK specific wage calculator to work out my take home after tax/national insurance/pension/student loans are deducted and I should have enough to live on I am just in shock how quickly my wages get eaten by tax/pensions/student loans/ rent etc.

        1. Gaia*

          I am….concerned that you don’t already know this. Number one piece of advice for when you next are in this position: have a budget first

          Also, click my name for a link to a UK salary calculator with deductions

          1. Overeducated*

            I would say this is THE shock of early adulthood for those of us fortunate to have had food, shelter, medical care, and other such basics covered by our parents as minors, so i don’t see it as that alarming. For me, “budgeting” was for textbooks, clothes, and discretionary spending until i had to pay rent, utilities, student loans, and health insurance for myself for the first time. And yeah it’s a shock that they take up so much cash that even when you work full time you may have less discretionary income than when you were a student working for pocket money – especially if you live in a very high COL city where shared rent can easily be half of a new grad paycheck. It’s a privileged perspective but also a growth experience.

        2. ..Kat..*

          Even if it seems impossible, I recommend putting aside 10 to 20 dollars (pounds) a month. Because otherwise, an unexpected expense, such as a car repair can really derail your budget.

          Consider going without some “essentials.” For example, not having cable TV can save a lot of money.

    4. Kristin*

      I had the same issue. Looking back, I think I would’ve been better being less responsible. Job hopping sooner to increase income, instead of staying at my first job for 2.5 years. Lowering student loan payment so I could afford to go out sometimes and take a taxi home.

      My quality of life in my 20s was MISERABLE. I spent most of it in bed because I thought I had to to not spend money. It’s NOT worth it. Find ways to live your life. Being in bed passes the time, but that’s not a way to live.

      1. Kristin*

        In general, find things you enjoy to do, and then find ways that you can do them. Don’t give up on things you love to save money. Even if it means a work-study or a second job. It’s better to do more than give up on yourself.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          Have you looked on Martin Lewis’s Moneysavingexpert.com? There is lots of helpful (UK specific) advice on money and tips on how to save when shopping or bank accounts.

          1. Why is being alive so expensive?*

            I had never heard of this before. It seems very detailed I have already read a lot but have so much more to read. It may be another life saving website (like this one which helped me get my job).

            1. Daphne*

              I came here to recommend MSE as well! The articles may seem daunting but I’ve found them a good introduction to things like savings accounts, tackling debt etc. One tip I remember from the site is to buy a brand ‘down’ from your usual when you can. For example get Tesco’s own shower gel instead of a branded one. Then you start making little savings that then add up!

    5. Cambridge Comma*

      If your main job isn’t tonnes of overtime, tonnes of stress, a lot of my friends did a couple of nights behind the bar in a nice pub to supplement their income in their early twenties. Also scratches the going out itch to some extent. You have to look for the right pub, though, with nice locals and good rapport with the other staff. Definitely not a Spoons.

    6. LDN Layabout*

      Someone already recommended MSE, which is a fantastic website to use.

      Second one…you’re renting a studio. Unless it’s a bedsit (like my cheapest London accommodation which was £450 a month all inclusive and uh…you would not want to live there) a studio will always be more expensive than living with people in a flatshare.

      If you don’t have friends to live with, Spareroom is a good site for finding, even if you have to use premium for a few months.

      I feel your pain, even taking away the London allowance I get from my job, I’d be able to buy a house in any of the cities my org is based in, but I still love the city (although I keep looking at house prices in Newcastle…)

      1. Ender*

        I second flatshare. I always lived in shared places till I bought my own place (and even then I had a lodger for a while).

        Yes it can be extremely annoying sharing with strangers, but the financial savings are massive. The worst thing in the UK is the “joint and several” responsibility for bills – which means even if you pay your half of the council tax / water bill / rent, if your flatmate doesn’t pay you are still legally responsible for their cost too. It’s the most ridiculous system and essentially means you need to only move in with people you trust and / or keep a really close eye on bills month to month.

        However even if (absolute worst case scenario) you end up paying for someone’s unpaid bills for a month every year plus lose your entire deposit, it’s probably still cheaper than living alone in London for a year.

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      Another vote for MoneySavingExpert here. The forum can be a bit ‘person who dies having spent the least wins’, but the actual site itself has loads of really good advice. I particularly like it for useful-but-boring things like saving on mobile phone costs, broadband, energy, insurance etc. Their budget calculator is very good too. I’d recommend you start by signing up to the weekly email and then go from there.

      I would also second the flatshare idea as mentioned elsewhere. Also, I’m not sure where you’re living (and obviously you don’t have to tell me!), but I would say don’t be afraid to live in an area that doesn’t have a Tube line. I live in zone 4, my nearest station is either a ‘normal’ train or the Overground, and it takes me 15 minutes to get to a major London train station. Increasingly I’m finding a lot of friends are moving out this way because it’s a lot cheaper to rent/buy property (although granted you do lose a little of that because travel costs are higher, so it’s pros and cons.

      (I grew up in the North West and have lived in London for seven years, so I feel your pain OP!)

  42. Writer's daughter*

    I have a family quandary that isn’t a big deal in the scheme of things, but which I’d appreciate some outside feedback on. For context, I’m in my mid-twenties now; from my childhood through college I spent a lot of time and education on creative writing. Now I just do corporate writing and editing for work and rarely piece together anything creative. It’s an emotional subject for me; I have some feelings of failure around it all, though I’m trying to get back in the writing habit.

    Anyway, my dad tends to latch onto particular hobbies and interests and talk about and document them extensively. When I was in my senior year of college and taking a TV writing class, he decided to try writing for TV as well (having never written before). In the years since, writing has become a major hobby of his. He has made several attempts at different writing projects (scripts, novels) and almost every time we get together, he wants to talk about characters, point of view, plot details, etc.

    I read some of his writing early on, and it was understandably very amateur. I haven’t read any since because I don’t want to be in the position of potentially shooting down his dreams … but I also can’t help but worry about how it will turn out when he inevitably sends his manuscript out to his entire social circle (as he has sent out his thoughts on other interests). Though it’s possible he has improved greatly.

    Due to my own writing hang ups, I’d really prefer to avoid so much talk about his novel, but I feel like saying as much to him would hurt his feelings since he is so invested in it. I’m also concerned that I may already have put some distance between us by not reading and editing his work. Any advice on how to approach this topics?

    2. Buu*

      If he wants to send his script out to people so be it, it’s his choice. Ideally he’d get people to agree to beta read first though.
      Perhaps just be honest that you’re not feeling the writing talk right now. That doesn’t mean you can’t support in other ways, you could encourage him to join a writing group. That might provide an outlet for his writing, and a place where he can get writing feedback from peers and other professionals.

    3. BRR*

      I’d say that because you do writing and editing for work you’d like to talk about non-work things in your off time.

    4. WS*

      Tell him to find an unbiased editor, as a family member can’t possibly do that. He could also join a writing group where they critique work. Another good distraction might be to recommend some novels you like in a similar genre and you can discuss them rather than his work.

  43. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

    I got out of a long-term relationship a little over a month ago, and have been slowly getting back into the dating scene. In the year-ish that I’ve been off online dating sites, a lot seems to have changed! OkCupid changed…everything about their format. And no one seems to use Bumble anymore?

    So, I am looking for advice/suggestions on sites to use that you’ve found useful/successful, and any advice you have about getting back out there! I’ve been messaging people but getting zero responses, so any advice would be awesome. :)

    1. EmmaBird*

      I just posted downthread about this. Not that I’ve had smashing success and I’m actually looking to overhaul my profile but I have a feeling that apps vary by location. Bumble is HUGE in my area. I also don’t particularly like it outside of not getting any nasty messages.

      I am trying out Hinge, literally just downloaded it a couple days ago– and I love the idea of the app. It’s a nice cross between an OkCupid and Bumble/Tinder where you’re getting some good basic info about the person but it limits people from writing an essay about themselves. No dates so far and there aren’t a whole lot of people on it in my area but I feel a bit more in control which is nice.

      I will say– I was kind of confused about the matches I was getting until I started looking at my profile as needing to show everything I am as a person (kind of impossible with like six photos and ~200 characters but oh well). So I have recently changed out some things, I use all the photo slots and have a mix of like cute portrait photos and then photos of me engaging in hobbies– running/doing yoga/hiking– and I’m already getting better matches. Specifically, finally getting matches that also enjoy regular exercise, etc. It’s kind of astonishing how much just saying I was a runner did not cut it.

      If it helps I feel like the response rates are terrible on apps like Bumble/Tinder– I cast a VERY wide net when swiping and message a LOT of people. I’ve also found I have to be proactive and ask men out myself– and I’ve learned to do this fairly quickly. If we’re chatting back and forth a lot I will ask someone out within a day or two to avoid the person losing interest before we can even find out if we have chemistry in person. My other favorite tip from a friend is to never go out to dinner on the first date– our rule is coffee or ice cream on the first date so that you can bail pretty quickly if things aren’t going well. I had a couple first dates when I first started online dating where a guy would suggest a pricey place and then ask to have the check split– so it makes me love the coffee/ice cream rule even more.

      I could probably talk about this forever so I’m going to stop now!

    2. Clever Name*

      I think which dating apps work best depends on your age and your area, maybe? While I’ve gotten more dates from okcupid, I met the guy I’m currently seeing on Bumble, though.

  44. Esmé Squalor*

    Anyone else a fan of Netflix’s SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS? I lost interest in the book series, and have some serious issues with the author, so it took me a while to watch the show. But it’s delightful! I love NPH, love the settings, adore the actors who pop up. I’m about halfway through season 2 and can’t wait for Season 3 to be released.

    1. CatCat*

      My husband and I just love it. It’s some how sweet and charming while being macabre at the same time. This mood and surrealstic feel and aesthetic remind me of the show “Pushing Daisies,” which I also loved.

  46. Foreign Octopus*

    I have a friend situation that is a little…hmm…and since I can’t talk about it with her (for reasons that will become obvious) I thought I’d talk about it here.

    My friend is currently buying a house where we live. It’s all very exciting. She’s been wanting this for close to a decade and has worked hard at it. She moved to this country with her boyfriend with the idea of buying a house with him – they were together 5 or 6 years, I think – but they broke up shortly after their big move. She then began dating a local guy fairly soon after the breakup and they got serious very quickly. This is his first serious relationship and he’s from a culture where sons stay with their families until they marry – he’s nearly 40.

    She decided to buy her house with this boyfriend instead (NB: I like this guy – he’s funny and smart and has become a friend to me as well).

    The problem is this – she’s let him and his family sort of steamroll the whole process. A house that she liked her mother-in-law vetoed because of reasons that left my friend crying on the phone to me. She’s frustrated with the entire process taking too long – her boyfriend keeps saying “next week, next week” when she asks for when they can move into their house.

    She’s texting me about her annoyances and I’m being as supportive as I can be without being judgemental. What I really want to do though is shake her and tell her that she can buy the house by herself. She has the money to buy it outright without a mortgage but she’s going in on it with this boyfriend, who is nice but very much a product of his culture, and I’m really, really worried about what might happen if they break up. Obviously no one thinks they’ll break up but I still worry about it for her.

    I don’t know why she went in on the house with him, and I really don’t know why she’s not taken ownership of the process. She’s let him and the MIL do everything and then she gets frustrated when it doesn’t go her way. She’s intelligent and she speaks the language fluently and it just frustrates me when she complains about this because it’s the product of her decisions.

    *Sigh* sorry. Vent over. I just really needed to get that off my chest.

    1. AnonGD*

      So I have no practical advice except to just slip subtle bits of advice in when you can and know it won’t alienate you from her. I have a friend that I love to death but she’s very quick to absorb herself into the lifestyle of the men she dates. And this last time around she met a man right as he was looking to build his own home. She *already* owned a beautiful home and sold it to live in his apartment while they built what is essentially his dream home– this was less than a year into dating, too. Much like you, I’m shouldering a lot of complaining from her about how flexible she’s been about decorations/finishes and he’s STILL not totally happy. The craziest thing is that she’s preparing to go back to school for her doctorate– a school which was <30 minutes from her old house and is almost 2 hours away from the new house. I'm pretty much in a constant state of wanting to bang my head on a desk when we talk on the phone, ha.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Try to hang on to the idea that she may be trying to see what it takes for him to move along here. Sometimes people stay in a situation to find out where things are really at.
      I kind of have to chuckle also because I have reminded myself that I, too, have a life that is the product of my decisions -good or bad.
      You are right though, people make not-so-great decisions and get baffled when it does not go well. At some point support can become enabling, so there’s that. You may want to say at some point, “I am not sure how best to be a supportive friend to you.” Maybe you can get her to talk about what her expectations are.

    3. Trixie*

      I would be concerned about become financially invested in a family environment like this. Ideally, she would move forward with the house she really wants but perhaps the relationship is the priority. If it is, she will need to recognize it was always be a three person relationship with his mom in the picture and it is not going to change.

  47. C Average*

    I could use some multiple cat drama advice. (Also, Multiple Cat Drama is the latest name for my imaginary band.)

    I have a 9-year-old spayed female rescue cat, Mitzy. She was declawed by her previous owner and is an indoor cat. She’s never shown an interest in being outdoors, other than to lie in the sun on the balcony. She’s always been shy and extremely attached to me.

    My boyfriend has a very friendly 4-year-old neutered male cat who uses his cat door to come and go as he pleases. His name is Theo.

    A couple months ago I brought Mitzy to BF’s house. She’s been there ever since and things have not gone so well.

    At first she hid under the bedcovers. Then she became very aggressive, hissing at Theo and planting herself in front of his cat door and his food bowl and attacking him when he approached. He avoided her and didn’t demonstrate any aggression, and he’s left her food (in another part of the house) alone. The problem seems to be entirely my cat.

    On the advice of a feline behavioral expert, I have put her on Prozac. She’s not as aggressive, but she’s just kind of . . . catatonic. She sits gazing at Theo’s cat door day and night. She doesn’t attack him; that’s good. But she also doesn’t sleep, purr, seek me out, sleep with me, or play. She isn’t interested in food or affection or sunlight or bits of string. It’s sad and awful.

    She’s only been on the Prozac for a week. Will it get better? Will her personality return, preferably without the mean streak? Or would it be better to stop the meds and just permanently separate the cats in different parts of the house (which is kind of a pain, but feasible)?

    (Fun fact: autocorrect thinks “feline” should be “felon.” Maybe so?)

    Any advice, related anecdotes, etc., would be welcomed.

    1. Ali G*

      A couple things:
      Did you do any sort of slow intro? It doesn’t sound like it, but if you did, you might need to start over. If you didn’t, I would definitely google “introducing cats” – there are good resources out there.
      She is declawed and never lived with another cat – and he goes outside and brings back weird scents she has never experienced. I bet she is scared and feeling very vulnerable and that is why she is acting out. She needs to figure out her new normal, and that takes time (and also would be amped up if not properly introduced).
      When I put my dog on Prozac they said it would take up to a month to kick in. So the fact that you are seeing such a drastic change so soon makes me worried her dose is too high. I would call the vet and see what they say. You might be able to decrease the dose to get your kitty back and still have her be a little more chill. My dog is still very much himself, but doesn’t randomly attack my husband anymore so we are very happy with him being on Prozac.

      2. soupmonger*

        I think she needs a space in the new house which in only hers, and not Theo’s. Can you set this up? She sounds really stressed, and having her own territory with only her and your scents in will likely help. The cat prozac will help. Ask if it can be mixed with Zylkene, and if it can, there’s Royal Canin cat biscuits called ‘calm’ with Zylkene in which will help. There is a cat pheromone plug in called Feliway which is great at calming cars down. Try this in her area of the house. Good luck.

    2. tangerineRose*

      Have you ever watched “My cat from hell” or read “Total cat mojo” by Jackson Galaxy?

      Usually when 2 cats don’t get along, he advises separating them for a while and then gradually re-introducing them to each other. The first type of “introducing” is what he calls site swapping – just move the cats so that each is in the area the other was in.

      He tends to suggest feeding them with a door between them so they can tell the other is there but can’t hurt each other. This also associates the other cat with getting fed – so positive associations are built.

      I think (I’m not an expert though) your kitty might be acting aggressive because she’s scared. Sometimes adding more play time with the kitty is supposed to help with that. Good luck!

    3. Trixie*

      I would be tempted to ease up on the meds and keep cats separately for a bit longer. Let Mitzy have some time to adjust to space, smells, etc. of this new space. Meeting a new cat aside, I think most cats need time to adjust to new surroundings. My cat is also declawed but this did not keep him from feeling comfortable in new space (and cats) after that intro period.

    4. C Average*

      Thanks, all!

      Prior to the Prozac I tried Feliway plugins, a thundershirt, a calming collar, Rescue Remedy in her water, and keeping her in a separate part of the house with her litter box, food, and water. I felt really guilty about locking her up like that, but now I’m thinking it was possibly the kinder thing to do. She did seem a lot more chill. I think it bothered me most because it’s not a part of the house that’s on my beaten path much, so I’d only spend time with her when I made a conscious effort to do so. She’s always been my constant companion throughout the day, so it just felt weird to be in the house and not have her hanging out with me.

      Reading these responses, I am rethinking that. I’m wondering if I should instead work to make her space a little more cozy, spend more time with her, and keep the cats separated until she’s adjusted better to the new environment. I do think I’ll ask about tweaking the Prozac dosage, too.

      Thanks so much for your responses!

      1. Jane of all Trades*

        Hey! I have never had a cat on Prozac, so I don’t have much advice regarding that but as others have said she seems very stressed. Changing her habitat is very stressful for a cat, and adding a new cat she doesn’t know is also very stressful.
        I would definitely put her back into a room by herself, and bring a couple of things from your apartment so that the smell is familiar. I would make sure that in that room she has food and water (removed from the door, so the other cat doesn’t distract her), has her own litterbox, and has spaces to retreat to that she particularly likes – my cats both like to hide under the bed when they get scared (cleaning professionals seem to scare them), and they both have their preferred rest spots – my male cat is very clumsy and prefers to lounge on a soft carpet, or a windowsill, while my female cat likes to sit on the highest shelf / cat tree possible, to observe. You know your cat best, so maybe try to recreate her favorite hang outs from home.
        While she is in the room make sure to spend time with her, trying to get her to play, or snuggle, or maybe just hang out with her while you watch a movie, or similar. You can give both cats old towels to sleep on, or just rub them with the towels, and then swap the towels so that each cat gets used to the other cat’s space.
        When your cat seems comfortable, allow her out in the rest of the space for shorter periods of time so you can keep an eye out for potential aggression. I would always make sure that each cat has their own food and water. These should not be close to one another, preferably in separate rooms, to avoid conflict. There should also always be two litterboxes. Also, most cats (in my experience) don’t enjoy sharing toys if they don’t like each other. So you can always lock one in a room if you’re going to play with the other.
        Personally, if it were me I would check with the vet about discontinuing the prozac, and would give the cats at least 2 weeks being separate, and then slowly reintroduce them.
        Conflict is easiest when they are forced to share food, compete for a comfortable hang-out or when there are situations where one can’t leave without passing close by the other one – adding “three dimensional space” such as perches or walkways along the wall can help. Basically you want to avoid forcing the cats to share close space. This is particularly important since your cat, being older and declawed, is probably feeling even more stressed because she is in a new environment and weaker than your boyfriend’s cat.
        Good luck! Please let us know how it goes! I know its really hard but patience is probably the most important ingredient here.

  48. MsChandandlerBong*

    Just spent another three days in the hospital. I’m getting aggravated. Communication is nonexistent; either they’re giving me the wrong information, or they’re not giving me any information at all. They can’t make up their minds on what is wrong with me, so I’m receiving almost no treatment. The doctor thinks I do have myocarditis, but they didn’t treat it at all, so how am I supposed to feel better? Even more important, what are we going to do about it so it doesn’t keep attacking my heart muscle and causing additional damage? I also feel like the doctors aren’t taking my concerns seriously. Ex: They prescribed a new medicine for angina. The patient-education site (published by the drug manufacturer) says right on the front page: May cause kidney failure in patients who already have severe kidney problems. I have stage IIIb/IV (depends on the day) kidney disease. I don’t qualify for a kidney transplant, so if my kidneys fail, I would spend a few years on dialysis and then die an early death (I’m 37). I can’t afford to be cavalier about taking a drug that can cause kidney function to worsen. But when I brought it up, the doctor was totally dismissive. “Well, just take these pills and get your creatinine checked in three weeks.” If it’s going to hurt my kidneys, I don’t want to take it at all! It’s just so frustrating. I know there are many great doctors out there, but the U.S. medical system is starting to feel like it can be summed up as “Here, take this pill.”

    1. Mimmy*

      Sounds like you may need to start getting firm about the lack of communication and the dismissiveness you’re experiencing. Are you still in the hospital? If so, is there a patient advocate you can talk to?

      1. MsChandandlerBong*

        I was discharged yesterday. I was really firm with the nurse and attending doctor yesterday. On Thursday, they told me I needed a procedure, which was supposed to take place Friday morning. They prepped me for the procedure by running IV fluids overnight to protect my kidneys from the iodine dye, and by giving me heparin injections in my abdomen Thursday night and early Friday. After waiting for a few hours for an escort to come take me to the procedure room, the nurse came and informed me that I could have breakfast because they didn’t want to do the test without getting my records from the other hospital (the hospital I was in three weeks ago turns out to be out-of-network, so I can’t go there again unless I personally want to foot the bill). I said, this is the third day I’ve been here. Didn’t somebody think to ask for the records two days ago? I asked her to get the doctor on call and have him explain why the procedure was canceled. He came in, and he said he doesn’t think I need the procedure, even though the test I had the day before showed abnormal results. When I questioned him, he got kind of annoyed and told me he’s trying to protect me–it would be better for him and the hospital to do the procedure so they could send me a big bill, but he doesn’t want to do something unnecessary. I appreciate that, but I’m not getting any help for the problem I am having. I can’t be going to the ER every other week; I’m going to end up losing my job from all the time I am missing (company is too small for FMLA), I’m losing income because I’ve already used up my (meager) allotment of PTO, and I feel like crap.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Oh, man, that is rough. The U.S. health care system (I’m assuming you’re in the USA–apologies if this is incorrect) can really run a person over with the subtlety of a steamroller. There you are lying in the damn bed in a damn cotton gown while fully-dressed folks in scrubs or lab coats make decisions and pronouncements on your behalf without your participation.

      Which of the people in your life might be a good advocate for you? You want someone articulate, assertive, able to come across as credible & intelligent to the medical staff (meaning, able to express themselves succinctly and to absorb quickly what the doctors say), and savvy about the ways of the world within and beyond the hospital. Sometimes hospitals have health navigators on staff. Sometimes they are available for hire within a community.

      Is there a support group or non-profit focused on your symptoms or diagnosis? (I’m thinking of your kidney disease.) Or can you try networking among geriatric social workers? No offense–I know you’re too young but a good one may know the ropes of your local health care environment.

      If it’s totally up to you, well, that stinks. Feel some self-pity, then pull yourself together, take good notes, and project all kinds of presence and importance and self-assurance. You want to convey that you are a Person of Substance who needs to be Taken Seriously. That means they have to hear what you say, answer your questions, and work WITH you on your health.

      When two of my relatives were in and out of hospitals 3 years ago (different reasons, different locations) I learned a lot about projecting this kind of Credibility as the Patient’s Kinfolk. It’s disgusting and wrong to have to play these games because all patients and their families should be treated with respect and good information whether or not they present as organized, articulate, educated, etc…but it’s better to be able to deal with the world as it is, rather than wish it were otherwise. Analogy re the Place We Don’t Discuss on Weekends: If people there insist that I color my naturally gray hair, that tells me that I don’t want to join their w*rkplace.

      May your immediate future hold better health and the strength for you to advocate for yourself!

      1. MsChandandlerBong*

        My husband has been trying to advocate for me, but it just seems like we’re not getting anywhere. Plus, he can’t miss much work, so there are days I have to tell him to go to work even though he’d rather be with me. He had to beg to take Friday off so he could be with me for a procedure, and then the procedure was canceled! He basically can’t miss any more work for the rest of the year (he doesn’t have an attendance problem, but he is a teacher for adults with disabilities, and it is very disruptive to them when their regular teacher is not in school; plus, the center is short-staffed, so they can’t spare him). I was also very stern with the doctor, but I still don’t feel like I am getting any answers.

        1. Zona the Great*

          From previous posts of yours, I know where you live. Are you getting care in that city? I probably don’t have to tell you that our entire state falls behind in medical care, education, customer service, social services, child welfare, etc. Do you feel this has impacted you here?

          1. MsChandandlerBong*

            Yes, I was hospitalized here. I definitely think that the health system here is overburdened, especially because it is serves people from rural communities in addition to the hundreds of thousands of people in the city itself. I moved here from the East Coast, and I have found it tremendously difficult to access care in a timely manner. When I first moved here, it was an 11-month wait for a rheumatologist. I was discharged from the hospital on 7/31, and despite telling the receptionist that I possibly had a heart attack, that one of my blood tests (one that is used to diagnose/monitor people in heart failure) came back 46 times higher than it should be, and that I really needed to be seen, I couldn’t get a follow-up appt. with my cardiologist until September 5. I have also found that there is a “Don’t call us; we’ll call you” attitude from all the medical centers/private practices here. I’m trying to advocate for myself and make sure I get seen, but when I call to follow up on a referral, I’m told in no uncertain terms that they’ll call me when they’re ready. My PCP referred me for a stress test about 10 days ago. Do you know when they called me to schedule it? Literally 10 minutes after I finished having the stress test ordered by the ER docs on Thursday. I was like, “Sir, they just wheeled me past your cubicle.” It was kind of funny, but it’s also disheartening.

            1. Zona the Great*

              The greatest state in the union is also the one I warn friends to avoid. An odd duality.

            2. Mimmy*

              My husband and I have thought about moving to a certain state in the southwest because hubby grew up in said state; however, reading what you wrote (and Zona’s reply) makes me wary! His sister still lives out there and I think she and her partner have had to wait to see certain specialists.

    3. Doloris Van Cartier*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through that, I understand that frustration and exhaustion. I have a fabry disease which causes kidney, heart and brain issues along with a whole bunch of symptoms. I’m always double checking meds, trying to not repeat bloodwork, trying to make sure each doctor is aware of another while staying as healthy as possible. Does the hospital have a social worker who could connect you with someone who may be able to manage you as a whole instead of a bunch of random diseases that aren’t connected ? A good internist or pcp can sometimes do this but they can be hard to find. I think it’s so important to be an advocate for yourself and it seems like you’re really working hard at it so keep being awesome. Also remember to give yourself a little time to breathe and just have a few moments of relaxation. I know when you’re health is bad you can’t always but a little extra self care may help right now.

      1. MsChandandlerBong*

        I have so many chronic medical issues that I am enrolled in care coordination, so I am going to call my case manager on Monday. I tried to call her while I was in the hospital, but I literally just signed up for the service last week and didn’t have her direct number. When I called the main number, it told me no one was available to answer the call. Her card came in the mail while I was hospitalized, so now I know how to contact her directly. Best of luck to you with your health condition!

    4. fposte*

      Do you have an established relationship with a nephrologist? Because it sounds like you really need to bring one into the discussion here.

      I don’t know where you’re doing the hospital thing, but if you have an option to go elsewhere, especially to a teaching-type hospital if you’re not already doing that, I think that’s worth considering. I know places like Mayo get really good reports for team approaches for patients with cross-disciplinary problems, and I know other places in the Midwest I might suggest, butit won’t help you if you’re a) not in the Midwest or b) already at one of them and they’re failing you.

      1. Book Lover*

        Depending on where you are, Mayo Rochester, Jacksonville, Arizona, I also am partial to the University of Michigan system. Too many options to recommend on the east coast – lots of great medical centers. North Carolina, both Duke and UNC. Those are the ones that come to mind….

        1. fposte*

          Barnes in St. Louis, Cleveland Clinic, several in Chicago, UW system gets good reports. It’s also worth just having a look through the US News and World Reports ratings for specialists in your state to see what facilities come up.

          1. Book Lover*

            I believe your doctor can send a referral with supporting documents and then they are reviewed to see whether a visit would be beneficial.

      2. MsChandandlerBong*

        You know, I’m an idiot. I didn’t even think to call my nephrologist. This is what happens when you’re in the hospital, don’t sleep for 48 hours (I was actually in the ER for two days, so every time my eyes closed, I got woken up by patients screaming, nurses coming into my cubicle to get supplies, my heart monitor screeching, etc.), and are then incapacitated by pain/pain medication. I will call his office on Monday!

        The sad thing is, the hospital in question is a teaching hospital. The hospital I was in a few weeks ago was much better, but it turns out it is not in my network, so I can’t go there again unless I want to foot the whole bill myself. I understand that nurses and techs are busy, but I really don’t feel like I got good care while I was there. Ex: I told them I had chest pain at 3:20 a.m. on Thursday and asked for medication (I didn’t know what the doctor had ordered, so I assumed they would give me nitroglycerin or something). The tech told me she’d tell my nurse. Four hours later, I was still in pain, and no one had responded to my first notification. I asked another tech, and she said she’d tell my nurse. Nobody ever came. Now, if they couldn’t give me medication for some reason (nothing ordered, can’t have meds before a scheduled test, etc.), that’s fine–but come and tell me that. Don’t just ignore me for hours. After reporting chest pain at 3:20 a.m., I finally got something for it at around 8:00 that night. The other hospital was like the Oprah of pain medication. Have some morphine! Have some Percocet! I’m not saying I needed something that strong, but I didn’t get so much as a Tylenol for two days at this place. I just felt like they had very little regard for me as a patient.

        1. Mimmy*

          It’s such a shame that our healthcare system makes it so that you don’t get a choice in hospitals (and other healthcare services) if you want to be covered by insurance. SMH

      3. MsChandandlerBong*

        Ugh, I just wrote a long response, and it looks like the site ate it. I’m hoping it shows up later. Basically, I said I didn’t even think to call my nephrologist, probably because I was sleep-deprived and sick. I’ll call him on Monday!

        1. ..Kat..*

          I’m so sorry. This is all awful. Also, as a nurse I am ashamed about the lousy care you are receiving. I hope having a case manager will be helpful. Also, hospitals have patient advocates. Please ask for one next time.

          Can anyone other than your husband be with you and advocate for you when you are in the hospital? Having someone to take notes, etc can be very helpful. Also, write down questions as they occur to you.

          Getting your nephrologist involved sounds like a good idea. When my MIL’s nephrology office started managing her care (even when she was in the hospital), her level of care and health got better.

          Again, I am so sorry you are getting such awful care. Not all teaching hospitals are like this.

          1. MsChandandlerBong*

            I moved here from the East Coast, so I literally have two people here that could help me: my husband and his mother. My MIL works full-time, so she’s not around when the docs do their rounds.

    5. Book Lover*

      Are you at a tertiary care center? Are you in a position to get a second opinion at a tertiary care center? Even if you have fantastic doctors and are at a great medical center, sometimes still a new set of eyes can be helpful. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

      1. MsChandandlerBong*

        I am not sure. It’s a university hospital with its own medical school, so it’s not some tiny little clinic with no decent specialists or anything.

    6. Kuododi*

      What you might consider is asking for an ethics consultation. (That’s one of DH responsibilities at the hospital where he works.). Essentially, the Drs, representative from chaplaincy, legal etc would meet to discuss the dilemma you’re facing, ethical issues and make recommendations to address the problem in a way that will best meet your needs. You are in my heart.

      1. MsChandandlerBong*

        That’s a great idea. If I end up in the hospital again (fingers crossed I won’t), I will keep this option in mind.

    7. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Oh, man, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

      Do you have anyone in your life who is in the medical profession that can help you navigate this? I have several cousins who are nurses and they have been invaluable resources when major medical situations pop up for family members.

      1. MsChandandlerBong*

        My godmother is a nurse, but she lives about 1,500 miles from me. My husband’s aunt is also a nurse, but she and her husband are both going through some serious health problems of their own (she was in the hospital for over a month, and her husband has kidney cancer), so I don’t want to burden her.

        1. Anono-me*

          Can your godmother telecom to some of your appointments?

          Also, I have found wearing a business suit seems to matter more than a medical background. There are only about five questions that need to be asked.

          1. What exactly does this procedure or medicine do?

          2. How will this help my condition?

          3. What are the risks?

          4. What are the alternatives?

          5. Why is this better than the other options?

          With the reminder that if a question isn’t answered well, you should ask them to explain better.

          If a doctor is willing to bet YOUR life on a treatment, the doctor ought to be able to explain it to you properly.

    8. Anono-me*

      I have found that a notebook and business attire make a huge difference in bedside manner. It seems to make the doctor more focused and thoughtful in responding. I’ve also gone to appointments with friends and family as the politely insistent note taking advocate. ( See Jean, just Jean’s post about white coats vs 1/2 of a cotton gown.)

      Most hospitals have a patient advocate on staff.

      Can you ask your liver doctor to about the new drug, preferably by email? If your liver specialist signs off on it and explains why, maybe it might be a better choice than the information you have now indicates. However, if your liver specialist is as horrified as I am, let your liver specialist explain to the heart specialist, that she or he needs to do better. (Some doctors listen to other doctors much better than they do to anyone else.)

      Wishing you good and respectful care that improves your health.

      1. MsChandandlerBong*

        I’m going to call the nephrologist on Monday. I didn’t even think of it, which is dumb of me, but I was sleep-deprived and not feeling well, so I have to cut myself a break! If he says it’s okay, I will try it for a month and see how I do.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          You’re not dumb, you were, um, a little stressed out! But yes, calling your nephrologist is a good idea. I’m curious– when you go to the hospital, do you pick one where your nephrologist has privileges, or are you going straight to an ER and you’re admitted from there? Sometimes picking a single system for all of your care helps with continuity. Beyond that, the notebook idea is a very good one, especially if your notebook has all of the names and phone numbers of your specialists and all of the meds they’ve prescribed for you. Your care coordinator will be a big help with all of this.

          Besides all that, this just sucks and I wish you luck. I hope you get some solutions soon, and if those don’t come, I hope you get some clear answers so you know what you’re dealing with.

          1. MsChandandlerBong*

            My insurance will only cover two hospitals locally. The one I went to last time is not in-network, so I can’t go there again (but the insurance will pay my bill from last time since it was an emergency). The one I went to this time is one of the two hospitals. Each time I go, I am going to the ER and getting admitted. My symptoms have been crushing chest pain, numbness and tingling in my left arm, etc. Definitely worrisome symptoms. If I called the doctor, they’d tell me to go to the ER anyway. Plus, one incident happened at 11:30 p.m., and the other incident happened at 1:30 a.m., so the doctor’s office isn’t open anyway. I just looked, and my nephrologist does not have privileges at the second place I went to, but he does have privileges at the other hospital my insurance covers.

            My plan is to go on the patient portal, print out all my labs and test results, create a medical binder to keep near the front door, and then go to the third hospital if this happens again. That way, I will have all my results with me, and there will be no delay in trying to get records from elsewhere. My nephrologist is also on staff, so if there is a kidney issue, they could always put in for a consult with him.

  49. EmmaBird*

    Any ladies out there willing to share their bumble/tinder bios? Or their strategy for photos? I’ve hit a bit of an online dating rut and I’m ready to put some real work into it to try to get dates that are a better match to me.

    I already picked out some new photos where I’m actually participating in some of my hobbies and I think that’s made a bit of a difference– but I’m struggling a bit with how people use a limited character count for their bio. Do you talk all about yourself or devote some space to talking about what you’re looking for? Curious what has worked for others!

    (I’m not a huge fan of Bumble/Tinder but in my small-ish city it seems like everyone has flocked to those apps so I’m trying to figure out how to best use them– Match wasn’t a great experience and some of the lesser-used apps don’t seem to have enough people on them yet– it’s a bummer!)

    1. annakarina1*

      I’ve had some success getting some dates off of Bumble, and I just described my hobbies and what I specifically wanted in a potential partner. Like for example, I said I wanted a guy who is into cult movies and has nerdy passions for things, so I tend to get matched with guys into heavy metal, comic books, and offbeat movies. I posted a few photos of myself, making sure to make them recent and at least two are full body pictures.

    2. It’s me*

      My old profile was a list that was short and to the point. Like this:

      Homeowner
      Let’s pick pumpkins
      Dog mom x2
      I do taxes

      & Etc. I found you can list more things like this and it is also straight forward. My pics were a variation of me doing different things but I also made sure to include a full body pic (because I’m not a stick and wanted people to know that lol). I loved bumble the most but I’ve used prett my much every one out there

    3. OLD*

      I’m a weird person because one of the things I enjoyed about online dating was trying to distill my personality and what I’m looking for into a few sentences. So my personal preference is always that : a few things about yourself and a bit about what you are looking for. The latter in particular I found to be a good filter: if someone has thought about what they want, it usually indicates a bit of emotional maturity which is key (at least for me)

    4. NaoNao*

      Not sure if you want my advice because I got like 4 million first dates and only a handful of follow ups, but I was short but pointed. I put “I’m weird. You should be too.” I also put my deal breakers (for me and what might be for others) right up front “Tall (really. 5’10” in bare feet) and curvy (Joan from Mad Men type), no kids and doesn’t want any, doesn’t smoke anything,”indoorsy”, seeking serious, but let’s see where the night takes us”.

      If I got guys asking me how tall I was or was I okay with their 100% custody of their precious angel 4 year old, or, like, asking if I would meet them with just a phone #, I knew they had blown right by my profile and I would decline or block them. I included a couple face only, a couple full body, and one fun “conversation” photo (a location shot of a funny local sign).

  50. Free Meerkats*

    At Worldcon in San Jose. Already met two people I previously only knew online. Also met my favorite living author, Ursula Vernon.

    I injured my leg last Sunday while practicing my masquerade presentation. And since then, after a 17 hour drive, I’ve been averaging 22,000+ steps a day. I’ll still do the presentation this evening, but I’ll have to hobble through it.

    Won A Hall Costume Award for The Safety Monitor yesterday.

    It’s been a good week so far. Wasn’t able to meet former sister in law on the way down as planned, she wasn’t feeling well; gong to try again on the way home. Another long time friend couldn’t make it to our planned meet. But did have dinner with another before the con started.

    Will post photo late tonight or tomorrow.

    1. Penguin*

      Woo, go you! Sounds like you’re being pretty awesome! (Also woo! for Ursula Vernon! I am such a fan. ^_^)

  51. Ali G*

    Quick question on etiquette here.
    I know that in regular, weekday posts, it is against commenting rules to post in the comments under different handles. But in the open threads I often see people, who I assume are regulars posting under anonymous names to ask a question – guessing they don’t want it associated with their “known” handle.
    Is it then OK in other comment threads to post as your “real” handle (as long as you are not doing it to stir up trouble obvs)?
    So if I had a question but I didn’t want to ask it as “me” I could make an anon handle of some sort for that question and that thread specifically, but then I could discuss thing in other comment threads as “Ali G.”

    1. Overeducated*

      I’ve done that…i feel like needing anonymity vs sock puppeting is very much something you can tell apart when you see them.

      2. hermit crab*

        Yes — and also, if you are asking a specific question that you may want to come back to, it can be convenient to post it under a topic-specific username (so you can search for it easily later). I think people do that a lot and it’s fine!

    2. nep*

      I don’t know if it’s discouraged or not, but I’ve done this.
      You have to be careful about telling on yourself, though. It’s easy to do so when you’re switching between the regular handle and the anon handle.

    3. BRR*

      That’s against commenting rules? Anyways I believe it’s fine if you need to ask a question anonymously and comment on other posts as Ali G.

    4. Someone Else*

      I believe the point is not to sock-puppet. IE don’t post a thing under one name, then respond to the same thread with another, pretending you’re a different person (basically having a conversation with yourself and pretending you’re not). Or don’t comment in response to someone, then comment again on the same thing with a different name (making it look like two people agreeing/making the same point when it’s really just you).

      There is no rule that you must use exactly one name always.

    5. Cedrus Libani*

      I’ve done that. If you’re arguing with yourself in the same thread under multiple names, not cool. If you just want to be a jerk without owning the consequences, not cool either. But if you’ve got an established identity that wouldn’t be hard to trace back to the real you, and you need an extra layer of anonymity to feel comfortable speaking on a particular topic…I think it’s OK when used sparingly.

    7. Ali G*

      Cool thanks all! I thought as much. I’ve never heard the term Sock Puppet before but that seems fitting for what I was trying to describe.

    8. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Yeah, as long as you’re doing it for a reason like that it’s fine. I’ve commented other various anon usernames for things that I didn’t want to associate with my main identity.

      The only time it’s a problem is if you were arguing with someone and decided to comment on the same post under two different handles to make it look like two people were on the same side.

    9. Nervous Accountant*

      I do that. Not to argue or sock puppet or troll. Sometimes a genuine question/query.

      Sometimes I want to talk about light/happy/fun stuff w/o the baggage of being NA. I do it often in the work thread though.

      I did use a “fake” name and posted under my regular handle yesterday.. w the wizard of oz Q. I just felt like using the brhhht red shoes handle

    10. Jane of all Trades*

      I have done it when I was asking a question / providing a comment that people who know me IRL could identify me fairly easily, and I felt that there could be negative implications, such as posting about delicate matters going on in my work- and personal life.

  52. Anon for Mental Health*

    I have episodic depression. I have just fallen into another episode, and I am so discouraged, partly because I had been feeling really good for a really long time and had started to think maybe I would be able fit to raise children after all. I don’t know that I definitely want children, but it sure was nice to think I had the option.

    I’m going to talk to my therapist next time I see her, but does anyone have thoughts on parenting with depression? I feel like it would be too much to ask of the kiddos, knowing ahead of time that it would be so likely to recur while they are small and can’t understand why Mommy is upset and emotionally inconsistent.

    One of my own parents had the same issue. It was difficult. I have a good relationship with them, and I feel I had a good childhood overall, but I can’t claim that the mood swings didn’t affect me. As a child you think everything is your fault.

    Should I just give up the idea and focus on having a decent life without considering kids? I am happily married; my husband is mentally stable. I know he would probably like to have children but he is okay with it if it’s not in the cards for us.

    1. Thursday Next*

      I can’t weigh in on the decision to have children, but I can tell you a bit about my experience having depression and being a parent.

      The most important thing for me was getting to a place where I, my husband, and/or my therapist would flag signs of deepening depression and intervene before things got way out of hand. I’m pretty aware of when I start to feel worse, and I’m completely flexible WRT trying new medications and doses. This is different from how I handled myself before kids.

      I’m also pretty confident in my ability to meet their needs. Before having kids, I was worried that I’d let things slide and be neglectful if I was depressed, but I’d say that hasn’t happened. I’m definitely a lot less fun when I’m in a valley, but I’m not checked out, if that makes sense. And I make sure to take care of them, even if it means using up all my spoons on them and having none for myself. I know conventional wisdom is to put on your own oxygen mask first, but it’s helped me feel better to know that there are certain standards of kid care I won’t compromise. I relax other standards and cut other corners. (So: eating breakfast for dinner is fine, but putting them to bed with yogurt-soaked hair wouldn’t be.)

      It’s also been important to me to have checks in place. I had mommy and me groups to go to during their infancy, for instance. And except for a few months here and there, I was never the only adult they interacted with during the week.

      I wish I didn’t have to deal with depression for their sake as well as my own. I wish I had more energy and zest sometimes. But overall, I think they’re pretty secure in my love for them, and my dependability.

    2. Anon for this*

      One thing to seriously consider is whether depression runs in your family, and if so, do you want to pass that on to your children? It runs in mine, and I suffer from it, and I decided to never have (biological) children becayse I wouldn’t ever want to create another human who has to suffer like I have suffered. I’m not judging anyone with depression who decides to have children, but it is something I’ve struggled with personally and I think it’s a valid concern.

    3. ..Kat..*

      One problem with having a child when you have a history of depression – you are at higher risk for postpartum depression. I say this not to discourage, but simply to inform. If you decide to have children, perhaps step up your therapy before, during, and after pregnancy to keep you on an even keel.

    4. Penguin*

      Sandra Tayler writes regularly about dealing with depression and mental illnesses while raising children (most of the children and her spouse also have mental illnesses) on her blog (OneCobble,com). I don’t know whether it would offer advice, support, or solidarity for you, but I would encourage you to take a look at it.

    5. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I cannot imagine that you are the first, or the last person who has depression that will have children.

      I think having a good method of management in place should be your goal first. Are you regularly seeing a therapist? Are you using medication to stabilize? You should have a good, stable method of managing everything, and also a plan for when you fall into an episode.

      I would also consider what options are available in your community. Can you hire a nanny when you’re dealing with an episode to help take some of the load off? What kind of camps and daycares are available? Are there support groups for parents and children of people faced with depression?

      Children are resilient humans. Yes, I remember when my mom wasn’t feeling well, but if anything I think it made me more compassionate. Also, I think it is infinitely valuable for a child to be challenged. I think we often try to protect them from all the things, but as long as they’re not in danger or being neglected, being told that mommy can’t play today because she doesn’t feel good is something that should be normal!

      1. TL -*

        My mother has depression and it was not an infinitely valuable experience for me, thanks so much. I would gladly trade every ounce of compassion I was lucky enough to gain for a mother who wasn’t depressed, despite how good it was for me to be “challenged.”

        Anon for Mental Health, I think a lot of your decision is going to come down to how bad your episodes are and what level you function at in your episodes. It sounds like Thursday Next’s children and I have very, very different experiences with a mom with depression. And I know some of my friends had parents who had not-severe depression and it was actually okay; their parents got help and functioned and the kids moved on with life.
        I also know friends who are like me – our parents had severe mental illnesses and, yes, absolutely, our parents think it was challenging but things worked out in the end and we’re all okay now, but that’s a story we tell them to protect them. The story we think of as true is a lot more painful, grimmer, and if we’re okay it’s only because we worked really hard on it and are still working really hard on it.

    6. Ender*

      Well I have depression and I have children. I don’t have episodic depression though it’s situational so I was really hoping after my first bout (over 10 years ago) that it would never happen again. And I am hopeful I can make a full recovery also. I didn’t really factor it into my decision to have kids because I knew it was a risk but my first bout was minor and responded really quickly to treatment so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

      However it is a big deal. It’s a worse experience this time and it’s affecting my relationship with the kids and my husband. Small things seem like a huge deal and my patience with the kids is way less than I’d like it to be.

      I’m doing everything I can to get better ASAP (on meds, seeing a counsellor weekly) and I’ve discussed with my husband ways to deal with it – I go away for a night every month or two (though we are currently thinking of me staying away a whole night a week), I’ve reduced my work time to 4 days a week, when I feel stressed and unable to cope I tell my husband “I can’t deal with this will you take over”.

      But it’s still hard. I don’t know if it will hurt the kids long term. Only time will tell. But i definitely think the childhood my kids are getting is way better than the childhood either of us had – there’s no abuse and no going hungry. On the whole I think there are far worse things than having a parent with depression. But maybe my perspective is skewed.

      If I knew before I had kids that I was almost definitely going to have depression again, I don’t know if I would have had them or not.

  53. Bluebell*

    St Vincent and other posters from a few weeks ago – thank you for your Puerto Rico advice. I had a wonderful time and was so glad I went. Stayed at two AirBnBs and also tried Airbnb experiences which were great. My favorite was one which involved being a manatee caretaker. I’m already thinking about returning so I can see more of the island.

    1. StellaBella*

      How did you find it post-Maria? I read a lot online about how the situation is, but would love your own take on it, if you care to share. Also how many manatees did you see?

      1. Bluebell*

        Happy to say more – I stayed in two AirBnBs. Both had been damaged by Maria. One had brand new windows and the other still needed some repairs. There’s a lot of rebuilding going on. It was really interesting to talk to people about their hurricane experiences. I was at the Manatee conservation center in Bayamon where they have 4 manatees. We fed them all so you get a good look at them. You can look up the experience on Airbnb. It was very cool.

  54. Loopy*

    Okay so for the past few weeks most of my posts have been food related. This is in the same realm but more philosophical- just a warning for anyone who wants to scroll by the topic. My understanding of my relationship to food, nutrition, and being more mindful of my eating is just kind of something I’ve been working through in my head so it’s been coming up quite regularly for me.

    So. I’ve just been more conscious of what I’m eating. I’m not on a specific diet, I’m not extremely restricted. But coming from eating heaping bowls of pasta four nights a week if I feel like it, even this feels like a big change. And I was talking to a friend about those who eat to live vs. those who live to eat. I’ve dated two guys (one is my current fiance) who eat to live and they’ve always seemed so alien to me.

    I was hoping over time I could transition to an eat to live mindset where food is just not as big of a deal to me. And before I go any further, I’m absolutely NOT trying to say food is bad, or enjoying food is bad, or eating is bad. NOT demonizing food or a love of food. I just am so wholly fascinated by the idea that it’s…just not something they care about at all. Their habits aren’t any different but it’s checking a box and moving on to other things for them. If they don’t have a fancy/nice/favorite meal for a year, it doesn’t even seem to register. Whereas I would be like omg, I’m *dying* for a really good ______.

    Is that mindset possible to switch over to? Or is it like trying to force yourself to love a hobby you don’t care for or take an interest in a subject you could care less about? I can’t help but be really fascinated by the two mindsets. Has anyone ever moved from one to the other?

    1. Washi*

      I remember looking at those eat to live people and feeling like that was so totally impossible. I was always thinking about food – what I was eating, what I had eaten, when I would next eat. Then I stopped on and off dieting, and became one of those people!

      I started off by reading a lot about the health at every size moment, and the idea of feeding your body what it wants, and moving it because it feels good, not to burn calories. And I decided that the quest to love my body would be much more enjoyable to work on than my ever-present desire to lose X pounds. And I started just letting myself eat whatever I wanted, which at first resulted in eating A LOT of ice cream and chocolate. And then gradually, over the course of the year, I stopped feeling hungry all the time, stopped having incessant cravings and obsessing about food, and started wanting vegetables in my diet. At this point sometimes I miss caring more about food, since deciding what I want to eat and then cooking it feels like such a chore. But overall, I’m so so much happier (not that you can’t love food and be happy, for me it was just too tied in with dieting.)

      1. Loopy*

        I really love the mindset of moving because it feels good and just doing healthy things for feeling good! I definitely know what you mean about being happier without constantly thinking about food. Sometimes I exhausts me being invested in food!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I moved some what. I had an odd relationship with food for many reasons. Recognizing this was important. We don’t end up with difficulties for just one reason, there is usually several things going on. If it was just one reason then we’d be able to work it through and move on. It’s the layers of complexity that drive us bats.

      I ended up pretty sick. I just wanted to feel better. I adjusted my diet toward what foods would heal my body. Fortunately for me, any attempt was an improvement. This encouraged me to do more. I was definitely results based, as results motivated me to keep going.

      I did find that “dieting” is 50% about food and 50% about lots of other non-food things. It kind of blew me away. I don’t believe I will ever totally step away from the idea of food as entertainment for example. However, I can chose healthier foods to entertain myself. I still catch myself worrying if there is enough food, even after decades of having plenty of food. I guess old habits become intermittent rather than constant?

      When I was 7 I told my mother that I could only eat certain foods and I needed a doc to help me figure out which ones. She said, “You’re not fat”, and that was the end of that conversation. I never said I was fat. My body didn’t work right and I knew it. But I was also 7 and did not know how to articulate that. By the time I reached 17 I knew I had a poor relationship with food and I had to get a handle on it. I found that doc at 35. The last couple of decades have been a major improvement. I can finally trust my body to function with consistencies.

      1. Loopy*

        I’m so glad you found out what eating and food works for you! I think I’m still feeling out what makes my body happy. I’m not sick but I want to just feel healthy without feeling food obsessed.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Vitamin and mineral deficiencies can manifest as a need to constantly graze or a pre-occupation with food. If I were facing this concern, I would start by looking at whole foods (fruits, veggies, fish, chicken etc) and adding more and more whole foods to my routines. Then I would see where that put me.
          Food preoccupation can also be thirst. Thirst will disguise itself as hunger or munchies. While you are mulling things over grab a glass of water. See where that puts you.

    3. fposte*

      My take: I think “eat to live” is different than “eating not being as big of a deal.” I’ve definitely been “eat to live” when my Crohn’s has flared up, and I don’t see that it brings much of an advantage. IMHO, it’s like deciding you shouldn’t enjoy sounds you hear or sights you see and just consider it all neutral input. If you’re like that, that’s fine, I’m not going to shove brownies in your face and insist you love them, but I don’t see a reason to try to become like that when there are other approaches to food that don’t take pleasure out of your life.

      Whereas eating not being as big of a deal for me was a good outcome. I was in a food-oriented family and worked out a lot of psychology through food, which wasn’t always good for me, and I had very little impulse control around food. Growing older and dealing with the Crohn’s left me with a little more space to consider what food I was really enjoying once I had it, not just while I was contemplating it, and whether it made me happy that I’d eaten it; it also gave me more understanding of my impulse control and some ways of dealing with it. So I really enjoy my food now but part of what I enjoy is being really picky about it–I’m better able to differentiate the stuff that sounds good but isn’t worth it from the stuff that I really, really like, and I don’t waste my time with mediocre. So the food I choose is still a fairly big deal, but eating overall isn’t nearly as much.

      1. Loopy*

        I think you made such an important distinction. I think what I want is the latter, now that you phrased it that way. I want to be able to enjoy special meals, but on a day to day basis just have it not be a big deal. Sometimes temptation and desire around food can be exhausting, especially when it’s not actually due to hunger or my body’s needs. I really like the idea of just being able to *not* think about it.

    4. The New Wanderer*

      I’m a “live to eat” woman who married an “eat to live” man. It actually improved my diet quite a bit because he is way more interested in eating healthy than I am, but I’ve found ways to make healthy food more palatable by my standards, so we both win.

      The only downside is going to restaurants – he sometimes complains about the cost of dining out, which annoys me because it’s totally worth it to me to eat food I didn’t (and usually can’t) cook!

      As long as I live a life where the occasional dessert and fancy dinner out is a thing, I’m happy to eat healthy the rest of the time.

    5. Ender*

      I used to be a total “eat to live” person and as I’ve had more money I’ve moved a bit towards the “live to eat” side -I like to go out for a nice meal now that I can afford it. I think that’s completely normal when you can afford to do so.

      But I don’t think I’d ever become a “live to eat person” completely. I don’t really get what you mean by that – do you mean that Food is your main hobby or interest? Like if your friends said lets either go and see your favourite musician/go meet you favourite author/celebrity/whatever is important to you and go to McDonald’s first or else go out for a nice meal, that you would always prefer the nice meal? That seems like an extreme level of prioritising food to me.

      I think you’re thinking of it as a dichotomy but actually it’s a spectrum. It’s ok to deprioritise Food a little and move towards the middle of the spectrum, butit doesn’t mean you have to completely forget about eating nice things ever. You can do both!

  55. Aardvark*

    Anyone have a success story of introducing a new dog into their home? I’ve got a new roommate who has a dog. So far everything is going well, but I’m nervous and would love to hear some positive stories to help drown out the bad experience I’ve had.
    (Bad experience was with different pups, these two are both Very Good Dogs. And we’ve been pretty cautious about introducing the two of them — first meeting on neutral territory, slow meet over a couple days, walking them together, keeping them apart if we can’t monitor them, feeding them separately, etc.)

    1. Turtlewings*

      Sounds like you’re doing everything right! I just recently (in March) had to introduce my new dog, Dolce, into the household, which already contained my sister’s two dogs. Even though both of them have had aggression issues in the past, it went really well. One of my sister’s dogs (the one we were really worried about!) was like “oh, hello,” and then pretty much ignored Dolce. The other took more time, and they fuzzed up at each other more than once, but we just separated them and didn’t leave them alone together for the first several weeks. They get along fine now, they even play together.

      There are quite a lot of dogs in my family, so we’ve had a ton of “introducing new dog” experiences, and the only one that went badly was between two dogs that just never did get along well, all their lives. They just had a personality clash; it happens with dogs just like with people. Chances are, your dogs will do just fine.

  56. Just Being Honest*

    My group of close friends are struggling with a member of our friend group Sarah.

    All of us have run into the same issue with her- Sarah gets far too involved in other peoples’ problems and can’t respect when we ask her to keep out of it. For example, our friend Kit has been struggling with family issues. We’ve made it known we are there for her but it’s clear she doesn’t want to talk about it. Her mood and demeanor have changed- she is not the same person she was before. Sarah seems to respond by constantly reminding Kit that she acts different and is clearly unhappy so she needs to do something about it. This upsets Kit and when we tell Sarah to let it go, she tells us she is just being honest and she can’t be friends with someone if she can’t be completely honest with them. She thinks she is Kit’s only true friend because she constantly does this and that we are bad friends because we don’t. Sarah acted this way with our other friend when she was in a bad relationship- we were all bad friends for not constantly reminding her that her BF was a jerk and Sarah says she can’t not say anything because she can’t not be honest.

    We’ve all run into this same issue with Sarah in our own situations. We’ve tolerated it in the past but recently we all feel ready to blow up at her. Sarah seems impossible to reason with since she thinks her way is the only right way and she also thinks she is the most empathetic person in the world. Sarah is clearly a controlling, emotional manipulator who gets so involved in our lives to avoid dealing with her own issues(she treats her sort of bf like crap but we don’t say anything because it’s not our place and she would flip out and tell us we don’t understand or know her life).

    I know the easy answer is don’t be friends with her- but sometimes, she is a really great friend and is empathetic and kind and helpful to me. I know it’s probably unlikely she will change but I am dying to call her out on this behavior. I feel like i am stuck in a cycle with her since she harps so much on this honesty thing. I don’t want to be hurtful or say something i can’t take back but I don’t know how to make her understand that she doesn’t respect boundaries and her idea of honesty and friendship is not ‘normal’. Next time an issue comes up, I want so hard to find a few words to really encompass what i am trying to say. Any advice on how to get my point across?

    1. The Other Chelsea*

      I would maybe turn the honesty back on her in a gentle way. “Sarah, I know you value honesty in your relationships, so I wanted to point out something I’ve noticed. Sometimes when one of us asks for space regarding a personal problem, you have a hard time respecting those boundaries. I know you’re an empathetic person and a great friend, but I’d like to ask if you can try to respect those boundaries because crossing them seems to be creating more stress.”

      It’s probably more of a stretch to bring this up in regards to Kit instead of when it’s happening to you personally, since you don’t want to put words in Kit’s mouth.

    2. StrikingFalcon*

      Well, there’s finding words to say what you want to say, and then there’s convincing Sarah that you are right and she is wrong. The first is a goal you can definitely achieve, but the second is beyond your control. Doing so without her having any hurt feelings is likely impossible, but friendships can survive hurt feelings if both sides are willing to put in the work.

      I think you need to get really clear about what outcome you want here, and what parts of that are under your control. What parts of your relationship could *you* change, and would they be enough for this friendship to stop hurting you? Would setting different boundaries with her or handling her “honesty” differently help you? If Sarah doesn’t change her behavior, what then?

      You actually sound very aware of what exactly is going on here. Sarah is manipulative and controlling and thinks friendship means she gets to say whatever she wants but other people don’t get to criticize her. I know you also said she can be a great friend sometimes, but that is true of all abusive and toxic relationships, so don’t discount the bad times solely because there are good times too.

      You say that the obvious answer is to not be friends with her, so if that’s already on the table, you likely don’t have anything to lose by speaking up. Just be prepared for the possibility that she’ll turn it all around on you and make you the bad guy, since she has a history of defensiveness and steamrolling over boundaries.

      I had a friend like Sarah once and when I tried to set boundaries the whole friendship imploded in a truly spectacular fight. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, but at the end of the day I realized that she had choices in how she responded, and she chose to say deliberately hurtful things and then take no responsibility for her words or actions. I’ve had other friendships, however, that survived very difficult conversations and deeply hurt feelings. It takes both sides being willing to listen, though, and you can only control half the equation.

      Good luck.

      (Also, Captain Awkward’s blog may be a useful resource for you, if you aren’t familiar with it)

    3. Hannah*

      You may not be able to get your point across. This seems to be not just one small behavior, but a major part of Sarah’s personality.

      I think the furthest you can go is to communicate your boundary to her “I don’t want to talk about [personal thing] and I wish you would stop making comments about. You say that you are trying to be a good friend to me by making these comments, but to me good friendship includes respecting boundaries, and this is one of mine.”

      She will either listen or she won’t; there’s no magical way to change her personality or her point of view. At that point, you can choose whether or not to be friends with her anymore, or to maybe limit your contact with her if she is latching on to something that is bothering you and not letting go. I wouldn’t get into some argument about what is “normal” or what she “should” think or trying to convince her that she needs to be more like you. That’s not really a winnable argument. “This is bothering me,” should be enough for a good friend to stop doing something, and if she prioritizes her “honesty” over your feelings, then you have some important information about her.

    4. LilySparrow*

      “Sarah, you’re not being honest, you’re just repeating yourself. It’s overbearing and nobody wants to hear it. Kim said she doesn’t want to talk about it ”

      Or, “Sarah, you did that already. Drop it ”

      If she doesn’t want to be friends with anyone who gets sick of her harping, then let her leave.

      The main thing is, you can’t argue someone into having boundaries. If she won’t shut up, you leave.

      If she starts belittling your friendships, leave.

      “You’re being insulting. Call me when you can be civil.”

      You don’t have to cut her off, just cut the nonsense off. Emotional manipulators don’t care what you say as long as you stick around and feed the drama. Starve the drama, and she will either change or drop you.

  57. LilySparrow*

    I had a bunch of deadlines and then a road trip last week, so the housework was pretty badly neglected.

    Yesterday, after giving the basics a “lick and a promise,” I treated and polished my poor, sad, much-abused dining table and cedar chest. I did the restorafinish. I did the wax scratch cover. And then two coats of beeswax & olive oil.

    They look so fancy now! There’s plenty of other chores that need catching up, but that just felt indulgent.

    What household tasks do you find wierdly satisfying?

    1. nep*

      Any manner of purging. When I’m able to clear out a lot of clothes or papers or other stuff I’ve not touched in an embarrassingly long time, it feels great.

    2. BRR*

      Cleaning the lint trap. Also after having a clogged a/c drainage pipe earlier this week and flooding my utility room, cleaning the drainage pipe will be my favorite in the future.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Doing this makes me want to throw up! But as a nurse I am okay with all manner of body fluids that gross out other people! Luckily for me, my husband cleans out drain clogs.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      Organizing anything, but the bigger the thing, the more satisfying. Organizing a closet is something I want to make everyone in my family stand around and appreciate. Organizing the pantry makes me feel like I should go into business as an organizer. (I should not, but I like the feeling!)

    6. Chaordic One*

      I find grocery shopping to be disturbingly rewarding on a psychological level. It’s such a pleasant and smug feeling, a feeling of accomplishment driving home with the back of the station wagon full of groceries. (I feel like a new-age spiritual housewife.)

      It is probably a form of my having been brain-washed to be a consumer.

    7. ..Kat..*

      Laundry. Turning a pile of dirty clothes into a neatly folded stack of clean clothes is very satisfying to me.

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      Decluttering. I am terrible for letting things build up, especially when I’m busy, so doing a big clear-out of clothes/papers/general junk is immensely satisfying.

  58. StellaBella*

    Hi all… been an interesting weeks of ups and downs – sadness about the passing of Aretha Franklin and Kofi Annan. Gladness about chatting to friends and planning a visit home soon, having lunch with friends, and meeting interesting Buddhists at bus stops. Am sad to think about moving in 11 weeks but looks like I am going to have to leave where I live and head home. But it’s been a great year abroad. Hope you all have a pleasant weekend!

  59. Penny*

    Does anyone else deal with social media envy of other people’s lives? It’s something I’ve gotten a lot better about. It used to plague me all the time but I’ve dealt with my feelings around it so it doesn’t bother me anymore… except for one friend.

    I have one FB friend who I am constantly envious of, for her awesome fun job I’ve always wanted but can’t break into, for her many vacations, for her wardrobe and style, for many many things. She’s not a close friend, someone I met a few years ago at a function where we hang out and haven’t hung out in person again since then, so I’m very tempted to mute her at least.

    Anyone else have that one friend they’re super social media envious about?

    1. SparklingStars*

      Cutting way back on social media helped me with this. It’s amazing how many other things I can get done with the time I was spending on Facebook, and I feel so much better.

    2. Nervous Accountant*

      I used to until I met a girl who had the “perfect” life and disposition online. Religious friendly etc. I knew her in person first. Turned out to be very fake. More crass (and fun don’t get me wrong) and blunt IRL than online. Idk if that’s a good example.

      Right now I have mother envy. I’m convinced every one of my friends has a great relationship w their mother.

      1. Ali G*

        I’ll just put this out there. I have an imperfect relationship with my mom (I’m a woman). She’s…difficult to say the least and apparently I am the only one in the family that will call her out on her antics. She also has a very unhealthy relationship with food which causes even more tension. And she’s extremely judgmental with anyone that lives a life different than she does – like me. She’s finally got off the baby wagon with me, but her unsolicited advice about crap she knows nothing about is infuriating.
        I actually spent like 4 hours last weekend importing CDs into my dad’s iTunes rather than deal with her. They are visiting in a few weeks and I am already dreading it.
        So there. I could actually live a life of only virtual relations with my mom.

    3. Red Reader*

      The phrase I’ve heard is, don’t compare your outtake footage to everyone else’s highlight reel. Keep in mind you’re only seeing what they want to talk about online.

    4. Not Alison*

      No, because social media is this generation’s form of “mama’s brag book”. Women of that generation showed photos of their kids and grandkids doing great things. They never showed you or told you about the negative things. Same with social media – – you are only seeing the portion of their lives that they want to brag about.

      My best recommendation – – stop reading social media if you can’t convince yourself that you are just as good as her.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      No, because FB is a highlights reel – and you wouldn’t want it otherwise. No one talks about the bad shit online, because no one wants to hear those crappy posts. It doesn’t mean stuff isn’t happening, just that FB isn’t the venue for discussing that sort of stuff.

    6. Anonymosity*

      I sort of do, but I’m also happy for her because she’s doing something she really, REALLY wanted to do (she skates for a show and is traveling all over the world).

    7. The New Wanderer*

      Oh yes – we’re not friends socially but we are connected on FB. She gets to travel internationally for vacation several times a year for extended periods of time due to family connections. Sigh.

      But, she doesn’t post overwhelmingly (or maybe I filtered the posts just right) so it’s more like every few months, “Oh so-and-so is in Italy this week, that’s nice.” Not enough to really Be A Thing with me, I suppose.

      I did unfollow a few people who were really a bit much in their posts. Not because I was envious, but because I got the sense that they wished other people were envious. I should just filter on #blessed, I think.

  60. SparklingStars*

    I’ve had a very, very stressful week. On Tuesday, I took my 13 year old female cat Lilly to the vet for blood work. Her appetite hasn’t been what it normally is, but she has been eating some, and I expected them to tell me that she’s just a picky eater. Turns out she has non-regenerative anemia, which usually is a symptom of either kidney failure, bone marrow disease, or cancer.

    If she was a younger cat, things would be very different, but at her age I’m leaning towards putting her on prednisone, which will treat the anemia but then the cancer or whatever will eventually kill her. I simply don’t have the money to spend on extra testing and expensive treatments. She’s had 13 very happy years of life, and I plan to do everything in my power to make sure she enjoys whatever time she has left.

    She’s a very, very sweet cat to me – but she’s also a one-person only cat. She’ll hide anytime anyone else comes over to my house. I’m the only one who can pet her, and I certainly can’t imagine her letting anyone else give her medication.

    I’m supposed to go on a vacation to Italy in 10 days. I’ve been planning this trip for months, and the trip is already paid for, with no chance of getting my money back at this point. And yet I’m having anxiety attacks every day, because just the thought of leaving my cat is stressing me out so much. Boarding her at the vet’s is not an option – they told me flat out that she gets so stressed out when she’s boarded that they would be very reluctant to take her. I was planning to have her usual pet sitter come and check on her every day, but I can’t imagine her being able to find/catch Lilly to give her her medication. I’ve had friends offer to come check on her, but again, she won’t let anyone but me touch her. And honestly, I’m having trouble imaging myself enjoying the trip at this point.

    I’m just so, so stressed out over this, and I honestly don’t know what to do.

    1. Turtlewings*

      I’m so sorry for your situation. Fwiw I think you’re doing the right thing by not pursuing more aggressive treatment at her age. I don’t know how long you’re going to be gone, but let me ask you this: What would the consequences be if she just didn’t get her medication for that period of time? Will she really be that much worse off than she was a week ago? Maybe ask your vet about it. It’s even possible that once she’s been lonely for a few days, she’ll come out of hiding and the sitter will be able to give her the medicine after all. (I’ve had really shy, wary cats surprise me like that.)

    2. Cruciatus*

      Can you limit the area Lilly can use while on your trip? Close certain bedroom doors, or keep her in the downstairs or just the upstairs–whichever one has harder things to hide under? Has she done OK with the pet sitter you’re thinking of using? Perhaps the pet sitter could come over to meet Lilly again and see how pill giving goes. I have to “sit” on my own cat when I give her Revolution and it sucks but then it’s over!

    3. Cat lover*

      I’m so sorry :(

      I had a cat that was a one person cat and I left her once (in 10 years) to go on a 2 week vacation. I ended up taking her to my mom’s house where she stayed in one room with a pheromone diffuser plugged into the wall (Feliway is AMAZING for nervous cats). Luckily at that time she didn’t need meds, just special food.

      Would it be possible to keep Lilly in one room with a diffuser? That way it would be easy to find her when she needs her medication. Also wrapping a cat in a towel can make giving medication a little easier.

      I know how stressful it is though :( I’ve had sick cats who hated getting medication, as well as the one-person cat. I hope you find a solution that works for you. I do highly recommend the Feliway to help calm her down. It’s worked wonders with several cats of mine.

    4. Ali G*

      This might sound callous, but she hasn’t been on meds that long and has been OK until now, mostly, right? Why not just not do the meds while you are gone? Everyone will be less stressed. Just make sure whoever is checking on kitty has emergency procedures in place (and your vet knows that it is OK to treat your cat while you are away).
      I have a dog that is very much my dog, and I have to make concessions when I leave him with the sitter. His issues are less problematic, but for example, instead of all the supplements he takes for allergies, I just leave him with an RX for itchiness if she needs it, because he’s too fussy otherwise. I doubt a week or so will drastically change things. If anemia is the problem, can you get some supplements that can be added to her food in lieu of meds while you are gone?

      1. Zona the Great*

        I agree with this. Start feeding her more wet food of a high quality such as rad cat or primal. She needs almost no dry at this point as it is most likely kidneys. She’ll love the stuff, I promise. Goat milk might make her happy, too. Have pet sitter sleep there a few times. Kitty will get to sniff her without so much intimidation.

        Put off medicating until you return. While you’re away, leave dirty laundry in your bed and around the house, don’t wash your sheets before you go, keep a radio on, and meditate to her while you’re away. She will hear you, I promise. Cats are very intuitive. She be able to smell you and know you haven’t vanished. I actually like the mom’s house idea too if you can stay there with her first for a few days.

      2. tangerineRose*

        If you check with your vet, letting your kitty skip the meds while you are gone might be the recommended thing to do, although it depends on the cat’s condition. I had a cat who needed meds each day, and I asked my vet about what to do when I needed to be gone a few days, and she said that in this particular case, it would be easier for the cat to skip the meds. Of course this doesn’t apply to everything, but it might apply in your case.

    5. Not My Money*

      I also have aging pets and hate to leave them but please go to Italy. Staying home won’t change anything and yeah, your kitty might get lonely and seek out company. Get your regular sitter so she has some continuity. Good luck – you’re doing the best for her even with the trip.

    6. LuckySophia*

      Oh, I am so sorry you and Lilly are going through this. Can you ask the vet what your options are RE: starting prednisone??? I can think of three scenarios to ask your vet about:
      — Ideally, vet might tell you it is acceptable to wait until you return from Italy, to start administering the prednisone.
      — Alternatively, vet might tell you it’s safe for you to give Lilly prednisone for the 10 days you are still here, then discontinue prednisone while you’re away, then resume prednisone once you return??
      —Or, if the prednisone ‘must” be started now and can’t be interrupted once started…. can an assistant from the vet’s office come to your house daily while you are in Italy to give Lilly her prednisone (at a time when your normal pet sitter is there let them in )?

      I’m sure none of these are perfect solutions, but hopefully one of them is, at minimum, manageable. (I also have a one-person cat who barely eats when I am traveling, and either hides from or hisses at/swipes at my dear friend who comes in twice a day to feed him, so I completely understand your dilemma!!)
      Sending encouragement and best wishes to you and Lilly.

    7. Kathenus*

      So very sorry about Lilly. I’m very much an animal person and know how hard this is, and I’ve had to travel before with animals in health crises. One suggestion on the prednisone (or any oral medication). You have 10 days to work on a strategy for getting her the prednisone that the pet sitter might be able to replicate. For example, what’s her favorite food or treat. For example, if it’s tunafish, then start giving her a small amount of tuna with the meds on it (crush up and mix in to the food) before her main meal. Wait until she eats it then feed as usual. If she won’t eat the med/treat quickly, try putting the med/treat in one bowl and the regular food in a separate one, to make it easier to see if the allure of the treat food is enough to have her eat it even with her regular diet there too. If you can get her into a routine like one of these now, your pet sitter could follow the successful strategy that might get the meds into her on at least a semi-regular basis. Good luck.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      If it upsets you this much, then probably the answer is to stay home. Some things in life only happen once and then the moment has passed and does not come around again. Italy will come around again. Your cat’s final illness, not so much.

      I walked away from a job offer one time because I did not want to travel and leave my aging dog. Ironically, that is how the job came open. That person did not want to leave their aging dog either. Yeah, I hurt myself by clipping my own wings there. But my overriding thought was I could not bear to allow that dog to die alone. I would be so loaded with guilt that I did not like me.

      Like you are saying here I was a hot mess at the thought of leaving my dog.

      We have to live with ourselves. We set standards for ourselves and when we fail to meet our own standards it’s a problem. Imagine it is ten years in the future. Picture each scenario. You go to Italy, come back home. Alternatively, picture you stay home from your trip to take care of your cat. Which scenario are you the most comforted by?

      So I stayed home with my little guy. He was The Dog of my life. I have had five dogs and this one was the best. He even helped take care of my sick husband. I stood beside him that day at the vets. He more than earned that from me.
      You know. We go through this terrible stuff and we get insights that we never would have found any other way. That day, I watched that drug take hold so quickly I immediately knew it was his time. I had no doubt that I had done everything I could for him. So while still a very sad story, I was surprised by how strong I remained. I attribute some of that to choosing the harder, more difficult road. I had the peace of knowing it was his time and he knew I stayed with him.

    9. Loopy*

      I’ve had a friend whose cat needed shots. She was able to look up pet sitters that were able to give medications, some even vet techs using pet sitting for special needs pets to get some more money. If you can spare it can you hire a second, more specialized pet sitter to come in with yours and assist with meds? Someone else suggested someone from the vets office, but you may even be able to find a second pet sitter to just come and administer to meds who is super qualified. It would be more money, but less than losing the cost of the trip for sure!!

    10. SparklingStars*

      Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. I do plan to call my vet on Monday and discuss what the options are. Lilly hasn’t been started on any medication so far – this only happened on Tuesday afternoon / Wednesday morning, and the vet and I agreed that I needed a few days to consider my options.

      My greatest fear is that she will get so lonely that she stops eating (more so than she already has) and I’ll come home to a dead or near-dead cat. I knew she would get very lonely even before I made plans to go away for two weeks, but I honestly thought that she would be OK. She’s been in perfect health her entire life until now.

      2. Red Sky*

        For the loneliness, what about getting one of those pet camera treat dispensers where you can see her and talk to her while you’re away.

        1. Red Sky*

          Gah, submitted before finishing. Maybe set it up in a spot where you already spend lots of time together. Develop a routine where when you’re out of the house and check in on her, so when you’re in Italy you still have that quality time together.

      3. EmilyG*

        I’m sorry you’re going through this–I was in a similar situation with my 13-year-old cat about a year ago. A few thoughts, some of which are difficult (talk about the death of my kitty at the end)…

        Prednisone is exceptionally bitter (humans can take it too and my prescription always says to take it with milk because you’ll gag on it). A lot of fool-the-cat methods like pill pockets don’t really work because they can taste it, and then next time they’ll avoid the pill pocket. But, you can get gelcaps to put pills in and that can help the cat get it down without reacting to the bitterness. For my cat, I would split her prednisone and one other medication in half and stuff them into a gelcap and then either put that in a pill pocket or administer it directly, depending on my luck.

        Talking to the vet is definitely worthwhile because they’ll know how essential it is to get the medication exactly right or not. My catsitter was a former vet tech so she actually talked to the vet (uh, I guess HIPAA is not a thing for cats) and they agreed that I should take my trip and if the catsitter got the pills adminstered like 50% of the time, that was probably okay for the ten days I was away.

        I was super super stressed out about going (it was a family trip that couldn’t be changed) but it was fine and I was really thankful that the vet and catsitter talked to me about it and made it possible to go. I felt like they were taking what was good for me (one-time family event) into account instead of only hearing my anxiety about my cat.

        She lived about six months after that (she had an intestinal cancer)–long enough that I was actually agonizing over *another* trip by the time she was truly at the end of her life. She stopped eating at all and started hiding in weird places, so I ended up doing a home euthanasia, which was hard. But in retrospect, letting her go when it was obviously time was a lot easier than the 8 months before that, having to make those decisions about her treatment. I think you’re in the hardest part right now.

        I hope you’re able to reach some clarity when you talk to the vet. Thinking of you and your kitty!

    11. TL -*

      Can you get the medication in a liquid format and have the cat sitter mix it in with the food?
      If your cat likes pill pockets, can your cat sitter put a pill pocket in her food bowl (with her food)?
      There’s no guarantee that kitty’ll get her meds but there’s a good chance she will. Unless she needs daily injections, there’s probably a couple of ways that will allow kitty to have a good chance of getting the pill every day.
      Alternatively, you can also see if one of the vet techs would be willing to come by, hunt down, and medicate your cats – many times there’s that one tech who is magic with cats and maybe they’d be willing to help out.

    12. Courageous cat*

      Put the pill in a pill pocket and have the sitter add that to her kibble! She’ll probably eat it right up and never notice.

  61. Nervous Accountant*

    Just F my ridiculous worthless meaningless life.

    I am trying SO hard. I went to do groceries today and took my usual 4 hours. Come home and mom says “it’s like you don’t feel like staying home.” And suddenly the “you don’t care about your husband, you’re not taking care of him.” I’m like… really? She comes from a generation & culture where women would jump in their husbands graves and poured them food on a plate…… so While I disagree I understand where she comes from.

    And then just random-effingly it’s “you look like an old woman you dress and present yourself as an old woman with 6 kids.”….. keep in mind she’s been saying that since I was 19 and about 50 lbs thinner.

    I spend 4 hours on a weekend planning out my clothes and makeup. I spend 1 hour every day on my makeup. So I can’t lose weight as easily as before… I can always just get off my insulin and slowly kill myself w diabetes and lose weight. Maybe then she’ll be happy?

    Just fuck my stupid life

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Your mother is over the top. She asks too much from you. No human being could live up to her expectations.
      I am so sorry.

    3. Reba*

      These cruel things your mother says are HER thoughts, not reality.

      You don’t live to make her happy. Whatever she’s getting out of this pattern, it’s not happiness but it seems to be working for her. It appears that you CANNOT make her happy. What would it mean to give up on that? Would it help to try mentally inserting “you think” into all her insults. So that you don’t hear, “I am a waste of space” but “YOU THINK that I am a waste of space.”

      Sending you good thoughts. Glad you posted and at least have this place to vent.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Your mother is a mean person, or at least she’s mean to you. The stuff she’s saying – it reflects on her, not on you. She’s saying mean stuff not because it’s true but for some reason it sounds like it makes her feel good.

      She sounds like the kind of toxic relative who should be moved away from and have no or limited contact, but I remember you said earlier she has to live with you.

    5. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Have you given any serious consideration to telling her she can no longer live with you? I recall you have siblings, right? Why are you the one who’s apparently assigned to being abused by her for the rest of your lifetime? It’s lovely that you’ve given her a place to live, but you are not obligated to continue to offer her that if she’s abusive to you (and this is abuse).

    6. The Other Dawn*

      It appears that there is no possible way you will ever make your mom happy, which is her problem not yours. Do not waste any effort whatsoever on someone whose mission seems to be to make you miserable and makes you feel absolutely horrible about yourself. Just know that you will never please her no matter what you do. It doesn’t matter how perfect your makeup and clothes are, or how much weight you lose. You cannot please her. There’s something very freeing in finally making up your mind that you’ll no longer put any weight on the horrible things she says; her misery does not need to be your misery. Someone who who is so unhappy in life will spread their unhappiness like a plague.

      I haven’t read all your posts, but why does she live with you? Why haven’t you kicked her to the curb? Why can’t other siblings/family give her a place to live? Why is this all on you??

    7. LilySparrow*

      Your mom is verbally and emotionally abusive. It sounds like she has abused you your whole life and trained you to think it’s normal.

      This is not normal “annoying mom” or “critical mom.”. This is mental cruelty. These are lies purposely designed to make you feel bad about yourself.

      You don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone.

      I know your mom is grieving and has problems of her own. You can have compassion for her and be kind to her without accepting these lies.

      Your mom is a sadistic liar. I’m sorry. That’s horrible to say, horrible to hear, and horrible to live in.

      You can’t fix what she says is wrong because she will just change the lie to keep hurting you. The real problem that needs fixing is somehow separating yourself from her lies so they don’t hurt you anymore. Maybe that means literal distance from her. Maybe not. You get to choose.

      But please stop torturing yourself by taking this stuff inside you. It’s pure poison.

    8. Ender*

      I know you’ve said you are depressed. Are you being medicated / seeing a counsellor? Your mother is being abusive. If you really feel there is no option other than to live together can you maybe look into seeing a relationship or family counsellor with your mother?

  62. Nervous Accountant*

    And my stupidass really bought her flowers and decided to take her shopping at the mall tomorrow. Smh.

    1. LilySparrow*

      It is normal to want your mother’s love and approval, to long to please her. You aren’t stupid, you are doing what you’ve been trained to do, driven by the most basic human urge to seek mother’s love.

      Please get some IRL support so you can stop blaming and beating yourself up.

    2. WellRed*

      Your mom is a pain and unfair to you. While I am sure there is a long history to unpack, is she worse than usual since your dad died? Don’t underestimate the strange and lengthy forms grief can take. That doesn’t absolve rhe behavior, but might help you in the moment.

  63. Sled Dog Mama*

    So just over a month since we got puppy girl’s cancer diagnosis and she’s doing fantastic. She’s back to 100% and endlessly harassing her (older) brother. Average life expectancy for their breed is 10 years and puppy boy will be 10 in 11 days. I can’t help feeling that I’m not doing enough for her with this disease (she’s only 8, and her parents are still going strong at 12 and 13) but I have to keep reminding myself that no chemo is known to work against this cancer and I don’t want to put her through “this might help” multiple times.
    After consulting our Vet and the Veterinary Oncology at the local vet school we’ve decided not to do chemo (at least not right now), and not to do radiation (closest center is 3.5 hours away until sometime next spring), we’re attempting to get her into an immunotherapy trial. It probably won’t help her hugely due to what the trial is looking at but has the potential for her disease to benefit lots of other dogs long term. The type of cancer she has has a lymph node involvement rate of 92% at diagnosis and lung mets rate of 50% at diagnosis so we’re assuming she’s already got lymph node spread and are waiting to see how she does for the next 4-6 months, at that point if she’s still doing really well we’ll do a chest x-ray to look for lung mets and reassess the plan at that point.

    1. SparklingStars*

      Hugs from another pet owner. It sounds like you’re doing everything right. I’m glad to hear that she’s feeling well right now!

  64. Not My Money*

    Finally going to get new, quality towels but need recommendations. I’m used to Target and BB&B but is there a better place?

    1. fposte*

      What’s your budget? You can spend a fortune if you want to. I really like Garnet Hill’s towels, which usually have older colors on sale for a pretty reasonable price.

      1. Not My Money*

        I’m not going to go crazy but I can afford more than Target prices. I just want towels that will last and feel good. I’ll check out GH – thanks.

    2. Zona the Great*

      Yes!!! If you google “best towel” I guarantee you will see Royal Velvet from JC Penny on every list. Check out their mega sales and you can get them for a very reasonable price. And Penny’s brand is not the same as the one sold at BB&B. Different quality. Also, never use fabric softener on towels as it prevents absorption!

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Second this. I have some Natori, some Hotel… and my JC Penny’s Royal Velvet – really the best for longevity (over 20 years old and still going strong). And Penny’s does have good sales.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I have used Royal Velvet for years. And I got them at Penney’s. The sides fray but the towel itself does not wear thin. The first set lasted me twenty years, I sewed a retaining seam on the edge to slow the fraying. I really only got a new set because I was so sick of the old colors. This set is 15 plus years old and just really starting to fray on the sides. The working part of the towel is just fine.

        My idea for making towels last is to only run them in the dryer for 20 minutes then let them air dry the rest of the way. This way they get fluffed which is super important to me, but the dryer does not kill the fabric as fast.

        If you watch you may be able to catch a sale or a coupon.

      3. Chaordic One*

        I really like my Royal Velvet towels from JC Penney. I’m one of those people who still takes the newspaper and JC Penney doesn’t seem to have advertisements or sale flyers very often any more, but if you go to their website you can frequently find store coupons to print out.

    3. CAA*

      Look for 700 gsm (grams per square meter) or up for a really luxurious feel. I have Frontgate Resort Cotton towels and they are really good.

    4. Lady Kelvin*

      I actually have some towels from Kohls that lasted 5+ years before I bought new ones (from Kohls) because I needed new dog towels so I just bought myself new towels and gave the dog the old ones. :) The new ones are huge and soft and I love them.

    5. ssshh*

      I don’t know if this falls into “crazy” budget for you (it would for me, if I didn’t already own these towels), bur I highly, highly recommend Frette towels. My sister sent me two of the bath sheet size towels (one for me, one for my husband) as a gift, and they cost $50 each at the time, which was over 15 years ago.

      The towels are still perfect. They absorb beautifully, even though I never did anything special to wash or dry them in the laundry, neither has frayed anywhere, and neither has those horrible bunched up lines at the trim where a thread has been pulled or shrank more than the rest of the towel (my personal pet peeve because this happens to every single towel that my parents own, and I am visiting them now). I shower at night, and the Frette towel is never still damp by the next night’s shower.

      I’m sure the towels are even more expensive now, but I don’t think I will ever buy another brand for myself, if these even wear out someday (it is definitely a possibility that they will outlast me). I buy nice looking but regular towels from TJ Maxx or something for overnight guests but for myself? I can’t go back to pre-Frette days.

      These towels are so good that when my husband unexpectedly divorced me almost a decade ago, and I was reeling from the shock and couldn’t think about what to pack (and I left many things behind that I later regretted), I had the sense to take BOTH those Frette towels. They are that good.

  65. Shay*

    I worked really hard on a write up about Boofhead, an assistance dog who was discriminated against and won a 16k law suite, but it’s not posting properly to reddit :<

  66. Nervous Accountant*

    I posted something but I guess it’s either on moderation or never posted.

    Drove 20 minutes & a million internal screams at the parking meter, to buy food I’ve been wanting for weeks and now that I have it , I’ve lost my appetite and can’t eat.

    I’ll be fine in a bit. But right now, I just feel super super crappy and alone and that no one understands or listens.

    1. Jessen*

      From a fellow sufferer of “I just bought food and now I feel like crap and can’t eat” – I understand and it sucks.

  67. Merci Dee*

    Just to show how my brain works…

    My daughter and I were out and about earlier, and stopped by Sally Beauty Supply to browse. While there, I saw a nail polish named Spell on You …. which naturally made me think of the song … which, of course, led me to Bette Midler singing it … so now, I want to watch Hocus Pocus, and I want it to be fall, because I’m totally over summer already.

    It’s raining and a little cooler today, so I can pretend it’s a chilly fall afternoon while I curl under my blanket with popcorn and watch the movie.

    1. jojobeans*

      I love this comment. as that is also how my mind tends to work (or wander). And now I want to watch Hocus Pocus, too!

  68. Kristin*

    I really need to refinance my loans. I just… need some emotional support. I hate being on hold. I hate having to argue with people. It might not be as bad as I’m making it out, but how am I supposed to call when I have a job? I tried calling during lunch, but by the time I get a person on the line, I have to go back to work. Do I need to take a week off just to make uncomfortable phone calls during the day? Maybe? Advice?

    I wish I could hire someone to come sit with me so I don’t start crying when I call. It’s caused me so much emotional pain to be in debt — some of which wasn’t my fault (thank my estranged parents for that). Is there like, task rabbit for someone to come and sit with you while you sit on hold for an hour? I don’t know anyone who would do that for free. I feel like I need to take care of this myself, but it’s so overwhelming… which is obviously why I need to consolidate them in the first place! Help.

    1. Ali G*

      I don’t remember specifics when I did it – but I don’t remember it being that bad. Is there something else going on? I consolidated undergrad and grad loans all at the same time. What is the specific problem? I know at the time because I didn’t have any credit history I needed a co-signer.
      It shouldn’t be that bad I think. Please don’t get caught up in some scam!!

      1. Kristin*

        Student loans. My parents are on the old ones. I want to take them off and get my own but I don’t know if I’ll qualify without co-signer.

    3. Jessen*

      I’ve never done loan consolidation specifically, but I really really really hate loans. And if there’s estranged parent stuff involved, that can make it a lot harder I’m guessing? I know it feels extra terrible when you get stuck with a bill that is completely not your fault and it just magnifies everything because it is SO UNFAIR.

      What are the hours for the loan place? Would it maybe be possible to shift your schedule around a bit, say take a half-day and make it up with an extra hour the other four days?

    4. LibbyG*

      My sympathies! What a bitter, fraught experience.

      Would it help to know more about how it all works! I don’t know much about this, but maybe someone from a free credit counseling service (or something) could brief you on the process, so that while you’re sitting there on hold you could at least clearly visualize what the conversation would be like? Or maybe there’s some great article or something online that explains the whole process so that you could mentally rehearse the conversation?

      Best of luck! You’re taking a great step forward. I hope you can feel the benefit of it soon.

    5. Grace Less*

      Does your company have a relationship with any credit unions? My employer has a relationship with one, and they come on-site quarterly for private financial sessions. The time is unpaid, but the service is free, and with no drive time or phone calls, you can’t beat the convenience!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yes, to credit unions.

        My father took out a loan to pay off my mother’s medical debt after she died. The lady helping my father with the loan held my father’s hand as he cried and filled out their forms.

        I remember my father saying, “she even held my hand while I did the paperwork”. I am forever grateful to that lady.

        You can probably find a credit union with Saturday hours.

        1. Kristin*

          I didn’t consider that. Thank you.

          I don’t think my company has one, as it’s not a large corporation.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I am seeing area or regional credit unions now. If you live in a given area that might fill the requirement to be able to join.
            However, I think I would just find out what CUs are near me and start visiting them if I were in your shoes. Yeah, go on Saturdays. I am optimistic that someone might help you. I should say my father had a retirement income when he got his loan. So they really work to help people.

          2. Red Sky*

            Depending on where you went to school, your alma mater probably has an asssociation with a credit union. Try googling the name of your school and credit union membership.

          3. LilySparrow*

            My credit union is for residents within a certain geographical radius. There are also unions for workers in certain industries, and sometimes their children as well. If there’s not one for your industry but your parents are on the loans now, you may be able to join based on their industry and then hold an account in your own right.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        +1 on the Saturday morning hours. It’s not perfect but it’s outside the box of 9-5 Mon-Friday.

        Some credit unions will welcome new members without a direct connection to the “mothership” (for lack of a better word). Others will welcome people who are one degree of separation from said ship (e.g. if you’re a sibling or sibling-in-law of an employee of M.O. Thership Inc.). Look around and ask folks you know…?

    1. Zona the Great*

      Yes! I use a collagen powder and add it to my overnight oats. I am convinced it helps in so many ways. Arthritis from being a dishwasher once upon a time, muscle repair after workouts, and absolutely it helps my skin.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m curious too. I just started taking them the other day, partly for skin support and partly for joint health. At this point I’m not expecting much (if anything) but I’m at the point where I’m willing to try.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Absolutely. I have been using a collegan drink for a couple years. It has helped to greatly reduce my pain and it has stopped my pattern of pulling, ripping and otherwise antagonizing my muscles.
      I do think my skin is better. I was starting to get old-person-skin. I looked down and saw old hands for example. I am not seeing that any more.
      I use Great Lakes brand. I take two scoops twice a day in a glass of water.

  70. LGC*

    So, gecko got me thinking…for the runners here, what was the thing that got you to start running?

    My story is pretty basic: I used to run track in high school (and a bit in college – LONG story). I stopped until I moved out of my parents’ place a few years back (they live between a highway exit and a train crossing, and my place is…better situated than that), and ended up deciding to start when I moved out.

    Also: updates! I’m sorry I haven’t been replying quickly – I’ve been busy as hell. Hoping everyone is doing all right!

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I started running late in my teens because my dad is a 9 time marathoner and always coerced me to run with him. I started running *distances* 13 years ago, after my serious girlfriend at the time dumped me and moved 800 miles away. Running was cheaper and a lot more satisfying than therapy.

      1. LGC*

        Damn – nine times? So it runs in the family. (Literally!) Most of my family is the “how long is a marathon?” type, and further I was definitely not a distance runner when I was younger, so it was a bit of a surprise!

        In my case, I…well, I used to find going out for a run therapeutic! (Actually, that’s a lie, I still do, especially on the easy days. But then there’s, “ah, shoot, I have to do a workout and it’s already 8 PM and I really should have done it in the morning but I’d have been out there at 4 AM…”)

    2. The New Wanderer*

      I ran track in 8th grade (the mile) and in high school (hurdles) but didn’t keep it up in the off season or when I went to college. I wasn’t a star at short or long distance, so not motivated internally or externally. I gave jogging a shot once or twice every few years but basically didn’t run for real until I was 33. Then I trained for a sprint triathlon as my motivation and finished it.

      Now, 10 years later, I run to maintain, but my runs are 5K at a 11-12 min/mile pace. I never got the hang of long distance, although I would like to increase my speed to 10 min/mile, where it used to be before having kids. My goal is to someday finish a 5k under 30 min and to run a 10k race (that’s the longest distance I ever did in practice).

      1. LGC*

        Oh dude, I used to be a hurdler when I was younger!

        I also kind of admire people who’ve done tris. I imagine that even for a sprint tri, you still need to practice the three different disciplines. (And I say “even,” but sprint tris are pretty intense on their own!)

        Finally…good luck! I’m sure you can go sub-30 in time!

        1. The New Wanderer*

          Thanks! It was a couch-to-tri situation for me and the first time I really carried through on targeting a race and doing it.

    3. A bit of a saga*

      I first attempted to start running a few years back when I travelled extensively for work in an effort to keep somewhat fit. I never really got into it. Then I started again on 1 January this year (New Year’s resolution that was kept, for once!) largely as a stress outlet – I had somewhat difficult work and home situations and I found that the running – both the routine of it and the steady progress that I could track – was really helpful. As I wrote in the other thread I just did a 10 k run and my parents came to watch – you would have thought I had won the whole thing, they were so proud (which made me v happy – never to old to get praise from your parents:-))

    4. ScotKat*

      The thing that started me off was being over 30 and suddenly realising I could no longer keep eating the same amount and stay looking the same. Once I realised how things were going, I was unhappy with how my body had changed and I wanted to get healthier. Started Couch to 5K and now I regularly run, although I’ll never be the fastest. I feel so much better!

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      I came back from travelling five years ago and was spending my days job hunting, and I needed to get out of the house regularly or I’d go stir crazy. I’d also lost quite a bit of weight and become a lot fitter due to the amount of walking that we did whilst we were away, and running seemed like the cheapest way to maintain that. So I bought a cheap pair of shoes online (I know, bad move, but I couldn’t afford anything else) and off I went, and I found I really enjoyed it. I’m still not very fast, but there’s something about it that I find really calming and helps me to process thoughts or unravel knotty problems, because I just have to think about putting one foot in front of the other.

      I haven’t run properly for a couple of weeks due to a plantar fasciitis flare-up, so this weekend I was volunteering at parkrun instead. I’m now aiming to get to my 25 volunteering sessions target by the end of the year, and hope to be back running this weekend (though not the 5k!).

  71. Hopeful Rider*

    Hi fellow readers – I don’t have any horse enthusiast friends in the city so i’m hoping for recommendations here – Looking for recommendations for horse back riding in the NYC area. I’m happy to drive as far as about 1 hr from manhattan, looking for a place that offers English / hunt seat lessons and isn’t too big.
    I’m currently riding at a barn that isn’t terrible, it’s very close to the city, my main problem is that lessons are limited to 30 minutes, no exceptions, and the ring can get pretty crowded on weekends. I definitely don’t need a fancy place, but it needs to be a place that treats the horses well, takes safety seriously, but just isn’t super busy.
    In the alternative – city people who like horses – how do you get your fix?

      1. Hopeful Rider*

        Thank you – yes, I tried them, unfortunately for me they are so popular (only barn I’m aware of that you can reach by subway) that I was unable to find a time to schedule lessons.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Yes, anything accessible by public transit is going to be popular!

          I’ve ridden a few times at Jamaica Bay; they have an indoor ring. There’s a place in Riverdale called Flying Manes that a few of my friends have liked, and I’ve heard of a few places in Mt. Kisco.

    2. DietCokeHead*

      Ooh, I’m not in the NYC area but I’m super excited to see another rider on the site! I’m in the midwest and I own one gelding, Sting, that I’m currently doing dressage with. Are there any local tack stores in the area? If so, I would start there and see if the employees have any recommendations. I’ve also used the new horse website to find barn listings. Or maybe the Chronicle of the Horse forums would be a place to look or post your question.

      1. Hopeful Rider*

        Yay! Yes, shockingly NYC is not a good city for horse enthusiasts… I rode on and off as a child, and as a young adult, and then took a multi year break. Started back because I signed up to do a multi-day riding tour in Iceland to celebrate a personal milestone, and wanted to get back in the mode before then (btw – I cannot recommend that highly enough, if you’ve ever toyed with the idea of trail riding in Iceland, it’s the best).
        Have you always had horses? Do you keep him at somebody else’s stable or by yourself? I would so love to have a horse, but that’s not realistic right now. I have been thinking about doing a partial lease though, so I am also searching a new barn with that in mind. The tack store is a great suggestion! There is one in Manhattan, I may just swing by there next week and see what they say.

        1. DietCokeHead*

          I am slightly surprised that NYC is not better for horse enthusiasts but only because I know that there’s some high quality riding and showing out on the east coast.

          I’ve been riding since I was 8 and never really took a break. I got my first horse at age 15. I can’t imagine my life without horses. I board my horse at a local stable. I know how much work it is to have horses and I’m happy to be a boarder, although I do help out and work off some of my board each month.

          Horseback riding through Iceland sounds amazing and I would love to do that someday. Good idea to take lessons before hand too, I’m sure that helped you get back to riding fit.

    3. Fulana del tal*

      Not a rider but i noticed trail/horseback riding signs around my area. There is a place called Twin Lake farms located in Bronxville in Westchester county and apparently they also have stables in The Bronx(Riverdale).

  72. Nervous Accountant*

    why is it one stupid comment can ruin my appetite, ruin my day and make me feel all sorts of awful? I know better than to do this, but a 5 minutes shouting match w my mom has me literally wanting to give up taking my medication just to shorten my stupid crappy life. My husband feels bad but he just says to be stronger and not let her affect me. And to realize it won’t last forever.

    I stay away from home bc every time we’re near each other she’s so nasty and negative. It drives me away. I just don’t understand how she cannot pick up on this?

    1. anon24*

      I’m so sorry your mom is doing this to you! Some people only know how to deal with their misery and self loathing by projecting it onto others.

      You are worthy of a long happy life. Do not let a comment steal your belief in that.

      Have you heard of the crisis text line? They’re volunteers trained to help calm you down when you’re upset. I’ve never used them myself but you can text “home” to 741741 if you need to talk to someone.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Respectfully, I strongly disagree with your husband.
      I think he comes from a good place but he has not had your life experience with her. She’s your mother so in the end it’s your call.
      Your mother cannot pick up on this because of aging/illness/grief/personality. In other words any guess is a good guess.
      What are you willing to do to help yourself? You have mentioned shorting your life a couple of times in this comment section today. I think it’s time to call in some help. This could be help for your mother or help for you. FWIW, I think you have way too much on your plate and the strongest person in the world would be overwhelmed by how much you are juggling.
      I know we humans like to vent. It is helpful sometimes. But most of the time all it does is mean we have dumped off some garbage so that we have room for more garbage to get dumped on us. You are not a dump. You are a human being. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I am not going to hurt myself. I just really get into my feelings. They wear off but man they are intense while they last. I went out for a short drive after calming down a bit and just sitting in a quiet lounge. So a bit calmed down now. The previous post, I guess it was in moderation and I didn’t realize hence the repetition.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Even though the feelings are intense for a short bit, it does take a toll on our organs. I am thinking of heart and intestines, but there are more organs impacted such as stomach. The damage is cumulative, so while no one instance will damage your heart or your stomach all these instances combined can pack a punch.

          She is not going to change. She feels no need to change. If you are not willing to tell her to move out then perhaps your choice is to remind her that she is under YOUR roof and she needs to be respectful to you.

          Until you change what you are doing, this will continue on like this. (ask me how I know. sigh.) Can you do this for years and years?

          1. tangerineRose*

            Can you kick your mom out, Nervous Accountant? Let her live with someone else? It’s not right that you have to deal with this all the time.

      3. Nervous Accountant*

        Honestly, the best way I (think) I can help Myself is by taking my meds and not eating my feelings. Listen to music and watch tv shows that make me happy. And remind myself that—I am good at my job, I am a good wife and I am doing my best. And that as difficult as she is know it won’t last forever. I would get frustrated w my dad (but not fight like this) too and now I miss him terribly and wish I’d been better to him.

        1. Julia*

          You sound so kind and generous, and I’m so sorry your mother is being so mean. You are doing so much for her and you deserve to be happy.

          I live far away from my parents and am mostly glad about it, but once in a while I get sad that we don’t have a better relationship. The thing is, though, that it’s not just my responsibility to make the relationship better, it’s theirs as well. I understand that you’d be sad if your mother passed away, but I think maybe you’d also be sad that she couldn’t be nicer to you?

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        I second this. It may not be easy to find assistance and/or it may come in a form that you did not envision* but you need some buffer time between yourself and your mom. It is hard to stay calm internally or interpersonally when someone nearby keeps throwing verbal grenades like “why can’t you just lose the weight?” (Stress eater here…struggling.)

        * Maybe there’s a community organization that connects volunteer drivers with non-driving seniors, or sends people out on social calls to folks who can’t get around? Maybe you start looking for a direct caregiver but somebody refers you to an excellent home cook or cleaning person and your mom takes a liking to this person…? Or maybe a passing health crisis forces your mom to temporarily relocate (to a rehab facility, hospital, or whatever)? I’m not saying I wish her harm; I just think that your peace of mind is worth fighting for.

        Work your network, whatever it is. (I’m not saying run out and become an extrovert overnight if that’s not your style!) Ask your husband to use his thinking cap on your behalf. If you’re a member of any organization, ask other members.

        If it takes you four hours to buy the groceries, that may be the price she pays for your peace of mind. Blame it on high school football games or weekend traffic. Maybe do the shopping in just 2 hours and go get a cup of coffee and read the paper.

        Sending you encouraging vibes and posting grumbles to the universe about your grouchy, can’t-be-happy mom.

    4. UtOh!*

      Have you thought about not engaging with your mom at all? When she starts up, just leave so she does not have the opportunity to make you feel bad. As soon as you start to feel stressed, go out and take a walk. The only thing you can change in the equation is yourself as your mother never will.

    5. Persephone Mulberry*

      I second the suggestion to start some therapy if you are able, but in the meantime, jump over to Captain Awkward and read ALL the letters on family and boundaries. Don’t get caught up in the specifics of each letter writer’s scenario and how the advice must not apply because your situation is different. Read enough letters, and certain universal themes and scripts will emerge, and you’ll find “aha” moments that resonate with you in unexpected places (some of my own personal “aha” miments have come from the comments sections, too).

    6. Owler*

      Do you get any time in your home when she is not there? My Grampa lived with us when I was growing up, and I recognize some of the feelings I had about him your your comments. We really missed being able to be in our our space where he wasn’t complaining.

      Can you pick an evening or part of a weekend where she can go somewhere and just not be a concern of yours for a bit of time? It could be a coffee shop, a library, another family member or friends house, a senior center, or even the mall. Drop her off or have your husband drop her off, have her be gone for three hours, and give yourself time to be home alone. She doesn’t have to like it, but she does need to give you time alone.

      Also, silicone ear plugs.

    7. LilySparrow*

      Please get some help. Repeatedly or regularly feeling like you want to die isn’t just “being in your feelings.” It is a major, major alarm bell.

      Emotionally speaking, you have been run over by a bus and then picked up and put into an ambulance that got hit by a train. A bandaid and a vitamin pill are not enough.

      You deserve help. You aren’t wrong or bad or useless. You are in grief. There is help available, and you are worthy of having it.

      You are a strong person. You probably will be able to gut it out through the worst of the suffering all alone and still survive.

      But you don’t have to do it that way. You don’t need to do it that way. And there are no prizes given out, here or in the afterlife, for “most episodes of suicidal ideation while avoiding therapy.”

  73. ReallyAnonForThis*

    Anyone have any advice for first steps to coping when you discover you married a pathological liar?
    I have had a dawning realization this was likely… but proof over the last week and a half. Not just a few things, but almost everything, from year of birth, to which children of the blended previous marriages (yes, more than one, it turns out), to number of siblings to inheritance. And more.
    The details are coming out because he’s dying (and I’m his caretaker right now – there’s maybe 2 weeks left of his life). I’m feeling stupid, and gullible, and trying not to be so depressed that I’m non-functional… but it’s heartbreaking. I’ve told a very select few the truth (mom, sister of my heart, and one friend) because I feel somehow like an idiot that I let myself be emotionally bullied into not questioning the truth.
    I am probably going to have to move – out of town or out of state – because of some things he did. And a strong probability that I need to declare bankruptcy (we will see on that).
    I realized that he probably was SO insecure that he made up these lies and seems to completely believe them (I’ve just started reading about how and why people develop like this). His sister (he’s kept me from meeting his family for over 20 years until this last few months of his illness) has confirmed the truth of many things, and said it has been a long standing problem… and that he just gets defensive and goes into denial when backed into a corner (you can’t get him to admit the truth, and he has been emotionally bullying when I’ve pushed for the few things I knew were true recently).

    I know I’m going to need therapy – big time. I’m generally intelligent, but a completely conflict-avoidant introvert with a tough childhood, so I guess I was easy pickings. I’m trying to not get eaten up with anger, but I’m so sad too. I’m going to need years to recover financially and emotionally – and I am not at all young.

    I also have financial consequences – I just discovered, for example, that he cashed out the retirement accounts and spent them… so I have to pay the taxes on them, AND I’m over 60 and have no retirement funds except the small amount in my name at my employment.
    And legal ones – his business is not ending well (see, dying, above), and several clients and the landlord are threatening to sue. It’s a community property state, and I was on the partnership paperwork. (I am doing the books, but had no idea the actual contracts had gone sour).
    I know I would have divorced him years ago had I known of the level of deception… but with impending death, it isn’t possible to do so now. And, oddly, I do love him, just not his actions/behaviors. (he is amazingly charming and completely lovable in some ways… just not financially or with truth right now.).
    Sigh.
    I can’t be the first to make a doozy of a mistake, can I?

    1. Grace Less*

      My advice is simply to maintain your own integrity. Keep telling the truth, and apologize to anyone that you may have unintentionally harmed. Keep your head up, and keep moving forward.

    2. StudentA*

      Have you thought about hiring a family law or estate attorney? Perhaps that can help you identify ways to prove you had no clue about some of these things. They could help you find a way out of the financial piece at least. Even if you think there’s nothing they can do, it doesn’t hurt to try. I know the emotional piece stings, but I am not sure what can be done about it.

      Take it easy on yourself. You don’t have to stop loving him. You don’t have to stop taking care of him. I hope you’re not judging yourself cruelly for that?

      1. ReallyAnonForThis*

        I am not judging myself for continuing to take care of him,, mercifully. On the other hand, I am not able to relax with him and cherish these last days as I’d hoped I could, in part because I am in “mess clean up mode” instead of being able to hold his hand and comfort him. When he directly asks, I do… but I am not able to love as unstintingly as I did before I knew the truth.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I am lovin’ the warmth of the replies here.

      No you are not the first to get bamboozled. And you are not the second either. If you google you will find many, many stories about people who got blindsided.
      And there is nothing wrong with loving people in spite of how they act. I believe we are supposed to look for the good in people. And you did this and you still do this. Don’t adopt his wrong doing as if it is your own. It’s not your wrong doing. You are just in the awful spot of cleaning it up.

      For your short-comings that you list here, I also see a person who has good self-insight, very good as a matter of fact. And I see a person who is very sincere. Keep these things, they will help you as you go along. Matter of fact, it will surprise you how much your insight and sincerity will be your best ally.

      You are not him. His sis already sees that and has it figured out. That is why she is helping you. Let her help you. If Sis can see you are not him, then others will soon figure it out, if they haven’t already.

      Please do talk with an attorney as soon as you can.

      1. ReallyAnonForThis*

        Thank you. I am also in tears of gratitude for the kind, gracious responses. I was a bit reluctant to post, but this is a group that seems like they are so aware of the foibles of people, and thoughtful. Plus very knowledgeable and broad in terms of experience. I’ve been reading the weekend comments (and the whole site, really) end-to-end for the last two months (newly discovered) and I’ve learned so much, not just about work, but about how to view and encourage others.
        And… I suspected I wasn’t the first, but in my first round of research, it seemed I was an anomaly in actually getting and staying married so long, without figuring this out. On the other hand, I’ve been a workaholic (recovering, I hope), and that also made it easy to be heads down, ignoring what was going on around me. Work was my happy place.

    4. OyVey*

      Second the suggestion for a family law or estate attorney. You may be eligible for an “injured spouse” claim with the IRS. That could absolve you of some of the tax burden, at least.

      1. Jaid_Diah*

        I’m pretty sure she’d be an innocent spouse, not an injured one.

        https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f8857.pdf

        “Generally, both you and your spouse are responsible, jointly and individually, for paying any tax, interest, or penalties from your joint return. If you believe your current or former spouse should be solely responsible for an erroneous item or an underpayment of tax from your joint tax return, you may be eligible for innocent spouse relief.
        Innocent spouse relief may also be available if you were a resident of a community property state (see list of community property states in the instructions) and did not file a joint federal income tax return and you believe you should not be held responsible for the tax attributable to an item of community income.”

        My sympathies on this trying time.

    5. Thursday Next*

      You are not the first. A practiced liar can deceive even intelligent people; please don’t blame yourself for not seeing through his deceptions.

      I think the very nature of love is that we can love flawed people, and be loved even though we are flawed. It sounds like temperamentally, he was a good and personable match for you. That does mean something.

      This is an emotionally fraught and busy time for you, but the sooner you can consult with an estate attorney, the better. Experienced attorneys have dealt with all kinds of situations, and will be able to guide you.

      Sending you internet hugs if they’d be welcome.

      1. ReallyAnonForThis*

        Hugs of any kind, welcome. When you are surrounded by normally wonderful people, and all of a sudden discover this, it is devastating… rocks your world to find out the rules you play by don’t seem to be the right ones. Or were taken advantage of. Appreciate all the help and encouragement.

    6. ImNotARegular*

      I dont usually comment but I HAVE to air hug you and say ITS NOT YOU. *You* are not broken, gullible, or easy pickings. *You* are a sane, reasonable, kind person who was playing in the field of sanity and normalcy with someone who was playing on a field miles and miles from that. *He* is broken. Not you. I wholly second getting a lawyer to help you mitigate the damage he did, from personal experience it will help that you knew nothing and seeking council sooner is better. Just to share a tiny bit, I didnt realize what a pos my ex husband was until I was sitting at a drug testing facility trying to explain to our 16mnth old child why the technician needed a hair sample. People who get caught up with these (choice name not allowed) are not broken irreparably and it is a testament of resilience that you are here on the other side of him.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Applause, applause.
        OP, print this comment out and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Read it every day. Seriously.
        You are STILL you and you have not lost that.

    7. Loopy*

      Seconding and third-ing everyone who has already commented. Things like this happen to good, intelligent people. I hate to think of you shouldering the clean up alone. It may be embarrassing or hard to ask for help, but please please do. A lawyer can likely help so much more than you realize. They are pricey but not handling this alone may very very well be worth the financial cost.

      I am sending so many good thoughts to you that you find loads of love and support to help you through the days to come.

    8. Lora*

      No, you are far from the first to be taken advantage of – unfortunately, lying schmucks abound in the world. But you do need a lawyer, posthaste, to deal with the business and finances. This is going to be tough. Wishing you all the luck in the world getting through it.

    9. Stellaaaaa*

      My mom went through something similar, and it definitely changed her. Now she accuses me and my siblings of lying when we’re not – she has a tendency to probe for bizarre degrees of information to prove we’re not lying. I’ve had to start saying, “I realize the answer I’ve given you is stupid, but it’s the truth. If you want an answer that’s more in line with your expectations, I’ll have to make something up and that’s the opposite of what you want.” I’m talking stuff like how sometimes I go to Ulta after work to smell all the perfume and not buy anything. She’s convinced I’m going somewhere else. I’m not. I just do this goofy thing sometimes and it doesn’t make sense to her because there’s no real reason behind it. That’s just one example.

      I recognize that this is her way of preventing her from being lied to by anyone else, but it’s exhausting. It means that I avoid telling her smaller stories about my life because I don’t want to get side-tracked with invasive questions or have to justify the silly things that I did in the story. I can’t mention my friend Jenna without being asked where I met Jenna, where she went to college, and where she works. A story about “I went to brunch with Jenna” turns into a whole ordeal about proving that I actually know a woman named Jenna.

      This is a whole long post about how I think you should make an effort not to start becoming suspicious of other people in your life. It’s an easy rut to fall into.

    11. Woodswoman*

      First, my sympathies for dealing with so much betrayal while simultaneously caring for your husband in his final weeks of life.

      I have a friend who went through something comparable after a couple decades of marriage. Her husband sold his successful business and told his wife he was remaining as an employee. He then told her out of the blue he wanted a divorce. What he didn’t tell her is that he essentially gave away the business to the new owner, blew through their entire retirement savings, was being investigated by the IRS for fraud and back taxes, etc. Because they were married, she initially thought she would be held responsible.

      She hired an attorney and was able to get all of the debts and legal stuff discharged, even though she was still legally married to him at the time. She hustled through the divorce as fast as she could and although there was no getting back the retirement account, she at least didn’t get burdened with all her ex-husband’s debts or IRS trouble.

      I hope your loved ones and a lawyer can help you through this very challenging time.

  74. Ingrid*

    Over the last few months I’ve had a persistent desire to incorporate more spirituality into my life. It started with a dream I had in which I felt a great level of peace and wholeness while at some sort of a church, and I haven’t been able to shake it. The thing is, I’m pretty sure I’m an atheist.

    I grew up Episcopalian – even taught in Sunday school and was confirmed as a teenager – but since leaving home to go to college I have never been back to church. Even as a teen I had real doubts about whether a God existed as well as serious qualms about belonging to any organized religion, which has been used to justify atrocities for millennia. Once I wasn’t living with my parents, who required me to attend church for so many years, I was glad to get away from it.

    I’ll be turning thirty this year and I feel like my attitude is changing. I keep feeling as though there is something more that I need to be attending to, though I’m not sure whether it manifests as God or something more amorphous. I wish I could find the peace and fulfillment some of my peers find through their religious beliefs. I miss being a part of a church community, and the goodwill and sense of belonging that comes with it. I’ve thought about going to a local Episcopalian church for a service, just to give it another try, but I think I would feel like an imposter.

    After some googling I found a unitarian universalist church in my area that seems a lot more aligned with where I’m at, spiritually, right now. It’s important to me that any church or community I take part in is open and accepting of people of all backgrounds and sexual orientations, as well as pro-science and feminist, and this one is. However, I’m having a hard time getting a handle on what it is they actually do and believe. Does anyone have any experience with a place like this?

    Any thoughts or advice? I wonder if I’m the only one feeling this way.

    1. nep*

      I think it’s safe to say you’re not the only one feeling this way.
      I say go if you feel inclined to go–without attachment to outcome. Just be in the space, experience whatever interactions come. I don’t think you need to have a firm ‘grasp’ on what the church community does and believes. See what happens with just being in that setting, go back if it feels right to go back, and go with the flow. Seems to me there’s not a right or wrong way to follow this pull.

    2. Zona the Great*

      I’d recommend first checking out a transcendental meditation center near you. It’s for people of all or no faiths. Very introspective. I grew from there and am now primarily drawn to Daoism.

      1. Anonymosity*

        Same with me, only Buddhism. I originally started meditation to deal with anxiety and stress.

      2. Courageous cat*

        Thank you so much for this suggestion even though I wasn’t the original commenter. I looked this up and was led to a Buddhist meditation weekly class that’s literally in the coffee shop right across from my apartment for cheap each night. I’m so excited to give it a try!

    3. Ranon*

      I can’t speak as a member, but I went with my husband and infant to our local Unitarian Church for a while when I was feeling in need of community and it was a really wonderful experience. We’ve not gone in a while but I expect we’ll find our way back at some point. Each church will be different, of course, but the focus at the one we attended is really in providing a place of community for everyone to explore their own beliefs, while also working to do good in the local community. I know more than one atheist that is a member of a Unitarian Universalist church- if you have the time I think it’s definitely worth checking your local one out.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      It’s a frequent comment in my church that people leave the church while they are young and circle back in their 30s and 40s. Part of this is because LIFE! They either got caught up in launching and establishing their adult lives OR they have experienced some of the hard crap that life can dish out.

      Next thought. This is what spiritual growth looks like. We pull away, we go back in try again with this or that. Perhaps we back out of this and keep that. Or perhaps we move on to something entirely different. I have to say this in general terms because everyone’s road is different.

      Also pointed out at my church is the idea that the first place we see God is in each other. I think that part of that can be because day-to-day life can get so hard. If someone offers a hand or a kind word, it stands out in our minds. Perhaps you believe in love for your fellow human being. This may be where you are. It does not have to get bigger than that. It is what you see and know. My friend went to a UUC church and was very happy there. Kindness and concern for each other can be a very spiritual experience and very heart-fulling.

      My aunt was at her breaking point with the goings-on in her church. She decided to change churches, but it was so scary and big for her. I suggested she go to a church once. Just make that small decision to go to a particular church one time. This is easier than saying, “I will go there for the rest of my life.” Go once and see what you think about it. Look around. There is usually literature laying around that talks about their activities. Sometimes they have printed statements of what they believe. Gather up these materials to bring home to read them. Watch how people treat each other. They will be very nice to you because you are new. So what you want to see is how they treat the people who have been there awhile. Listen to the speakers. Are they helpful, insightful? Do you think you are hearing things that are relevant to your life?
      Go once. Come home and decide later if you will go a second time.

    5. FD*

      I’ve been attending a UU church and am going to be formally joining in a month. Take it with a grain of salt since I’m fairly new, but I am fairly well read.

      Some UUs are also atheists or agnostics. The pastor of the congregation I attend is an atheist. Some UUs also identify with a specific system, such as Christian, Buddist or Wicca, as well as being a UU. Unitarian Universalist congregations are sometimes called associations rather than churches for this reason.

      Unitarian Universalism is considered a non-dogmatic religion, meaning that it doesn’t require its members to believe in any particular deity or doctrine. It doesn’t present a theory of salvation, the afterlife, etc. (although individual members/pastors may have one).

      It does hold its members to certain core principles, which are basically moral expectations. I will link in the description, but they basically boil down to (1) Both individually and on a social level, treat others with respect and dignity, (2) Allow and encourage all people to try and find and express truth and morality, and (3) Respect the world and consider the impact of acts on others.

      In general, UUs aren’t all that interested in a hypothetical afterlife, and tend to be more focused on making the current world better. This means that UU communities are often involved in activist work, particularly in the social justice sphere.

      In practical terms, in how that plays out at the congregation I attend, a lot of church activities are focused around those principles. These range from having a racial justice task force that has helped push our local community to study differences in discipline between white and POC students to volunteer groups that help at our food shelter. Sermons tend to be framed more as how we can work together to become kinder, more respectful people as versed to how to please a hypothetical god/dess.

      I’m not sure if that helps! You can always check out a few services and see how you feel about them.

    6. SemiRetired*

      There is also something called Sunday Assembly. You might also search for secular humanists or atheist meetup groups.

    7. Lifelong UU*

      Hello! I have been a UU my entire life, and FD did a great job above describing UUism. The one thing I would add is that each individual UU church has control over how their church is run. This means that each church calls a minister of their choosing rather than a minister being assigned to a church, allowing each congregation to shape itself. Also, alot of UUs like learning and exploring so church services can be about learning about different belief systems and what aspects fit with being a UU. The UU churches I’ve been to have all been very welcoming and I would encourage you to check it out! I also including a link to the 7 principles, though this link the kids’ version. It is the way I think of them, since I learned them as a kid. And sometimes the message gets across better without the flowery language.

    8. LilySparrow*

      Everybody with an ounce of self-awareness feels like an imposter in church, sometimes. Everybody has doubts. There’s an old saying: church is a hospital for souls, not a beauty pageant.

      Since you were brought up in a Christian tradition, try reading the Psalms – it’s rife with doubt and imposter syndrome. Don’t let those feelings keep you away from what you’re seeking.

      I don’t know much about Universalism, but I believe that urge you are feeling is a sacred thing. Follow that call until you find the Truth that’s calling to you.

  75. Graceling*

    I’ve attended a few UU churches. I joke that they are the NPR of churches, so yeah, UU is aligned with your priorities. How this manifests depends heavily on the minister and congregation. Commonalities boil down to a love of coffee, social justice, and potlucks. I’d go and check out a service; UUs tend to be a welcoming, friendly bunch.

  76. lcsa99*

    New Yorkers! Does anyone know a place where I can buy ready made gluten free pizza dough that is decent? We will be having a visitor staying in a few weeks who has to eat gluten free, and we were hoping to do homemade pizza.

    2. ZarinC*

      The cauliflower crust from Trader Joe’s is gluten free and yummy
      =does not taste like cauliflower really.

    3. Lcsa99*

      Thanks everyone! There aren’t a lot of review online but we were able to find enough information about some of the doughs that we’ve pick a couple we can test ahead of time. We really want to start with a dough cause that’s fun to do together but we’ll try the cauliflower if the others don’t work out.

  77. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Gotta give hubs credit where it’s due.

    Grey rocked parentals (which has worked far better than zero contact or full contact). We only see my parentals once every 3 months.

    Today was day 1 Aunt Flo, pain even after midol, my eye barely healed, and healed from a cold. Parentals covered dinner but when we told them we were buying a house near top schools/IB/AP programs my mom said I didn’t need to do that (aka they’re in denial we’re trying for kids in a couple years, we’re in our early 30s), then they said hubs would make more money in a patent teapot office than the medical lab he’s manager of.

    Hubs made a white lie saying he and I were grabbing dessert with a neighbor then we fled politely and now we’re relaxing in our apt watching Death in Paradise on Netflix. Tropical mysteries ftw……he knows what we can and can’t handle and I swear he’s a mind-reader sometimes….

    Also, anybody here have parents/in laws in denial about grandkids? Seems odd.

    1. curly sue*

      Yup. My mother’s only reaction when we announced our first pregnancy — we’d been married for four years by that point, working and settled, house purchase followed shortly, all those adulting things — was “I’m not old enough to be a grandmother.” (she was 60.) My father said “what would you want to go and do a thing like that for?” My paternal grandmother said “And I thought you wanted to make something of yourself.”

      What can you do but roll your eyes, acknowledge that they have unresolved issues that could use a good ten years of therapy to unpack, and move on?

      Thankfully my in-laws were thrilled.

    2. LilySparrow*

      Well, when I got engaged, my mom wept and said I was too young to give up the rest of my life.

      I pointed out that I was well over 30 and older than she had been when she had her last child. (I couldn’t even process the “give up” comment at the time.)

      When I told her we were expecting, she again melted down about how I was too young. My midwife begged to differ, as I was old enough that I had no leeway – one extra risk factor would have kicked me upstairs to the high-risk group.

      In my mom’s case it wasn’t about feeling old herself. She just could not acknowledge that her kids were adults at all, because she had no functional models for adults being loving toward each other. Her family was affectionate to kids and your “coming of age” prize was to be treated like crap. She wanted to keep on being loving toward us, so she had to keep pretending we were about nine years old.

  78. Etiquette Help!*

    My boyfriend and I are going to his sister’s wedding soon. I asked him the other day about a gift for the bride and groom, and he answered that he and his mother are getting a gift for them. I asked him what about me? He said he didn’t know but maybe the gift would be from all three of us. I texted his mother the next day to which she replied I didn’t have to bring a gift. I asked, “Are you sure?” And she replied, “Yes, no gift!”

    So do I…
    A. Go to the wedding with a gift anyway? If so what do I get?
    B. Listen to his mother and not get anything?

    I am just so fearful of committing a faux pas. But I also don’t want to go against his mother because she might very well be my future mother-in-law.

    Thanks all!

    1. StudentA*

      I would only feel comfortable doing that if it was a pretty substantial, meaningful gift. And frankly, I would pitch in, even if just a little. Well, unless you and he haven’t been together for long and don’t really know her well. If you’re friendly with her and she specifically invited you, I would think there should be a gift from you or you and your man. But be warned, my view is to err on the side of etiquette. I am curious to know what everyone else thinks!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Tell her it’s important to you to have your name on the card, therefore you feel you should help pay for the gift. Then ask how much you owe or offer an amount of money that is doable for you.

    4. Reba*

      I think it depends to an extent on how well you know the sister / how long you’ve been in a relationship and part of the BF family.

      If you don’t know her well, I’d go with a nice card, mayyyybe a very very small gift.

      Regardless of how well you know her, I think it would be most normal/expected for you as a couple to give a gift together. So extending from that, it doesn’t seem that wacky to be included in your BF-and-his-mom’s gift. Either way, don’t splash out here.

      And remember also that gifts are never required! It’s an invitation, not an invoice!

      Hope you have fun.

      1. Etiquette Help!*

        He and I have known each other since the beginning of the year but officially started dating in April. I know his mother, but I have never met his sister.

        I’m definitely thinking of a card. I wasn’t sure about a small gift card inside.

        1. Reba*

          That’s not all that long, and the sister is a stranger! Cards are great!

          I’m thinking small like a couple fancy chocolates, or a packet of wildflower seeds or something like that… that’s only if you would feel a card alone is too bare.

    5. Chaordic One*

      Has the couple signed up on a wedding registry? If so, and if you feel the need to get a gift, try to find a lower-priced item on the registry and buy that.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Please take his mother at her word. If you feel like you must do something, send a card, or send flowers to their home (don’t bring anything substantial to the wedding itself, that just gives them something they have to handle). Bring a nice bottle of wine when they invite you over. But you asked, she responded, you double-checked, she confirmed. Listen to her! It’s ok, I promise!

      I come at this from the perspective of someone who really, really means it when I say, “Please don’t bring anything,” and when people do bring things, I don’t think they’re generous or wonderful, I think they don’t respect my wishes. If you’re concerned that someone will say something like, “I can’t BELIEVE EH didn’t get us anything!”, well, if they say that and your boyfriend and mother don’t back you up, you’ve learned something very valuable about them.

      I don’t mean to chastise you, I swear. I just urge you to accept them at face value until you have reason to do otherwise.

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      Why not just get a $50 Target gift card? It doesn’t sound like you know the sister well enough for her to think a gift card is impersonal. I’ve heard from lots of couples who appreciated being able to buy cat litter, cheap furniture, and even groceries with their wedding gift cards. There’s a lot of stuff that a newly married couple needs that they can’t list on a wedding registry.

      1. Not Alison*

        I totally agree with Stellaaaaa. The determining factor here is that it is your possible future sister-in-law. If it were anyone else’s wedding that you were a +1 to, I would say that you don’t need to bring a gift as that is the responsibility of the initial invitee (i.e. your boyfriend). But if you end up marrying this guy, you want to have a positive relationship with his sister, even if you have not met her yet and even if the two of you won’t see her often in the future. Your gift will be your potential future sister-in-law’s first impression of you and it will make life easier for you in the future if it is a good one.

        In summary, a card (any old card) and a $50 Target gift card sound like a fine wedding gift to me – – and much better than trying to glom onto a present that your boyfriend and his mom don’t really want you to be part of. Good luck!

    8. LilySparrow*

      There are basically two “models” for your invitation. Either you are invited as your boyfriend’s “plus-one,” or else you and your boyfriend are being invited together as an established couple, a social unit.

      In either case, it’s not expected or usual for you to bring a gift independently. A plus-one is invited indirectly, and a member of a social unit would be giving a joint gift from both of you.

      The exception would be if you and the sister were friends first, before you met your boyfriend, and she would have invited you on your own even if you weren’t dating her brother.

  79. Gaia*

    Okay guys, ya’ll know I’m working at losing weight (doing great, btw) and part of this is focusing on my food and body issues that got me here. So a friend recommended I check out some body positivity facebook pages/insta, etc….and I wish I hadn’t.

    Like I love the idea of body positivity (why does Chrome think this not a word!? How is that possible!?) but these sites felt kind of…..not very positive. Every one of them I looked at seemed positive on the surface unless someone mentioned they were working out with the goal of losing weight and then it was all kinds of “why do you hate yourself?” “this is part of the toxic thin culture” etc etc. Several outright stated that anything resembling a diet was shameful.

    I’m sure they aren’t all like this but it feels like this has gone to an unhealthy extreme? I’m all for telling people we should all love ourselves and quit judging others but….what even is this?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      For some reason we have stopped talking about good health in regards to weight. I am not sure why. I focus on feeling good and being able to do what I need to do. I can’t do what I need to do if my weight is too high or too low.

      1. Gaia*

        I think the traditional fitness groups talk about good health in regards to weight but I really am uncomfortable in those. They do not represent me or my journey in the slightest.

    2. Lizzy B*

      I notice it too. It’s pretty stupid.

      The idea is — love your body. But treat it how you want.

      It’s like if your ceiling has a hole in it.
      If you’re like, “I HATE HOUSES. MY HOUSE IS HORRIBLE. IT IS THE WORST HOUSE.” That’s not going to help.

      But if you’re like, “My ceiling has a hole in it. Sometimes rain comes in. Oh well. Holes are ok. I can still love my house,” that’s a step in the right direction, but it still falls short. YOU CAN STILL FIX THE DAMN HOLE AND LOVE YOUR HOUSE.

      Or maybe you like the hole because the light comes in and you make it a sunroof. I don’t know. EVERYONE’S houses are different.

      People are standing up for themselves, which is good, but some have no sense that IT’S OK for other people to want different things.

      1. Gaia*

        This is really it for me. I agree that as a society we’re fixated on women being thin and on women of all shapes and sizes dieting to the point it is unhealthy. But I do love my body and part of loving it was recognizing that I wasn’t as healthy as I could be and that improving that meant exercising, dieting, and working with my doctor to lose weight. How is my decision to do that for me and attack on myself or anyone else!? It makes no sense.

        It made me sad because I feel really unrepresented by the fitness groups as they are overwhelming populated by already fit people. And the groups for people more along my side seem to be hating on my fitness efforts. Where is the group for the big girls who just want to love themselves AND do some squats and mountain climbers?

        2. runner*

          Women’s Strength Coalition (you can google that/also on facebook) is focused on strength/lifting but their posts are so focused on what the body can do rather than on how big or not you are. And they seem to celebrate everyone’s accomplishment, wherever that person is. I don’t lift that much (it’s not my main exercise) but I find them really inspiring.

          1. Gaia*

            I find groups that don’t “focus on how big or small you are” really tend to discount the actual emotional, physical, social, and psychological stress of trying to lose 100+ lbs. These groups are so valuable for what they do, and I’ll gladly see if this group is what I need, but that’s just been my experience.

            1. Thursday Next*

              This might be a naive question, but have you tried online groups for people trying to lose 100+ lbs? This way the members are on board with a weight loss goal, and their journey more closely matches yours. When I was on Weight Watchers, they had online groups organized this way.

              Addressing something you say downthread, I think more health checkups should take stock of functional issues, not just metrics like blood pressure. Because needing to go to a chiropractor 3x/weekly is significant! My cholesterol and blood pressure numbers are great, but when I told my doctor that I couldn’t walk to the subway station without pain, we had to have a different conversation about the role weight played in that.

              If my doctors focused on my weight as a purely cosmetic issue, that wouldn’t be right, but it’s not as if weight is entirely disconnected from all health concerns.

              1. Gaia*

                I have and I like them for the weight loss support but many of those are cardio-focused and I really like the variety of exercises and concepts you see in the fitness groups.

                And I completely agree about health checkups, by the way. I wish I had had a doctor who would listen to me in the years I was in pain. All they kept saying was “lose weight” and I kept explaining that I was trying and it just wasn’t happening. Thankfully I have a wonderful doctor now that works very closely with my chiro and between that and my weight loss we’re really starting to see some improvement!

            2. runner*

              Sorry, I thought you were looking for a group where it was more about people doing squats and mountain climbers, in a loving way, not about weight loss. I haven’t encountered any weight loss talk in this group.

              1. Gaia*

                I’m not even really looking for weight loss specific groups but more like a mix of the body positivity/fitness groups that seem to be polar opposites. Ideally one that represents a spectrum of goals, journeys, body types, etc.

              2. Gaia*

                To clarify, with a lot of the fitness groups when I say it is hard for me to squat and looking for possible modifications/other exercises with similar benefits I usually get “watch your form” “practice more” and “use a mirror” etc when what I am saying is that because of the amount of weight I need to lose, my current shape makes it physically difficult to squat.

                1. Kristin*

                  Hmm. That’s interesting! I didn’t consider that, which is, I guess, why you’re looking for people in your boat.

                  One thing to consider is, everyone’s bodies are different. It’s physically difficult for ME to squat, not because I’m obese, but because I have tight hips, I’m knock-knee’d, and my feet turn out. I also hold most of the weight in my lower half. So even in yoga, for example, when people are squatting down, I have to use extra blocks to keep myself feet off the ground while everyone else is closer to it.

                  What I’m saying is, no matter what group you’re in, even if you find people who are also overweight, you’re going to have a different body. You’re going to have different issues. You’re going to have to figure out what feels good to your body, and what you can and can’t do — even after you’ve lost 100 lbs. Not everyone who’s 150lbs magically has the same body and the same flexibility and the same center of mass. I understand there are things you experience that I might know nothing about — but that’s going to happen NO MATTER WHAT WEIGHT YOU ARE.

                  And I saw the comment about your journey being different too. I understand that too. It’s a major life change. But your journey is going to be different — NO MATTER WHAT WEIGHT YOU ARE. You are going to have a different emotional journey regardless. I’m not saying you can’t find motivating people who are in your weight class, or that you won’t feel supported, or you won’t feel encouraged. I’m saying, the issues you have are not going to be solved by finding obese people who also want to get in shape.

                  (You might want to consider some more one-on-one. Like, a trainer you meet with once a week to review your form and figure out how you feel comfortable.)

                2. Ann O.*

                  Oh, I totally get what you’re looking for now! I wish I had suggestions for you.

                  I’m an aerial arts instructor, and I’d love to find an aerial-focused group like that to learn from so I have a better idea what type of modifications to make for my plus-size students. I teach recreational classes, and I’ve realized that sometimes the specific things I monitor for in terms of safety/vocal cues I use for body positioning aren’t appropriate for all of my students’ bodies.

        3. Kristin*

          I think you’d be surprised by how inclusive the “already fit” groups can be. Maybe not the Hollywood mom types (who are more fixated on appearance). But the ones who are focused on output — like CrossFit, rock climbing, even yoga (for yoga’s sake — not for looking cool).

          I think when they’re focused on the activity, they’re more welcoming because they used to be in your shoes. Some people are “skinny” all their lives, but I doubt you’re going to find anyone who did CrossFit or rock climbing etc all their lives. Don’t be intimidated by them. They’re nice. If they’re not, that’s not bc you’re unfit — it’s because they’re jerks.

          2. Gaia*

            I should have been clearer – it isn’t that these groups aren’t welcoming, it is that they don’t represent me and my journey. I’m not someone who has 25-50lbs to shed. I need to lose 120 more lbs and even then I’ll still be classes as “over weight” That means my journey is inherently different.

            One day, I’ll gladly join those groups (and I do check them out now!) but I also really would love a community of people who can really understand what I’m doing, too.

      2. Mimmy*

        People are standing up for themselves, which is good, but some have no sense that IT’S OK for other people to want different things.

        Oh I love this!! Different viewpoints always seem to want to sway you in one direction or another with no real regard for an individual’s preference or desires. I see this in the disability community too, but I know that’s not the point of this thread, so I’ll stop there before this turns into a dissertation :)

    3. Tau*

      Agreed! I understand that there’s a lot of really awful anti-fat prejudice in the world and a lot of the attitudes are bonkers, and that a lot of diets are really unhealthy, but I also hung out on a bunch of body positivity sites and it feels like some of them don’t want to acknowledge that it’s possible to be overweight because of how you eat and exercise. Which… was the case for me! I lost 10 kilos and started feeling a lot better once I cut down on processed sugar and take-away and started going to the gym.

      1. Washi*

        As one of those body-positive people, I would say that cutting down on processed sugar and takeout and go to the gym was awesome for you because you feel better now, but whether or not you lost weight isn’t super important. Specifically for health at every size, which was started by a nutritionist, the idea is that weight is not a measure of health, and that you can meet pretty much every other actual measure of health (good blood pressure, good blood sugar, being in good cardiovascular shape, etc) regardless of the weight you are at.

        And there a couple ideas behind banning weight loss talk in body-positive spaces, but I think it’s mainly 1. It’s pretty hard to completely, truly accept your body while also trying to make it less fat or being afraid of getting fat and 2. Diet talk can be triggering for people with a history of disordered eating

        Dances with Fat has some really great posts about all this, and I love Fat Nutritionist as well, although she posts very little these days.

        1. Tau*

          This was 100% the way I approached it at the time, and I do thank body-positive spaces for giving me the tools to go “the important thing is to improve my health and treat my body in a way that’s good for me, and any weight loss is a side effect instead of the goal” because weight loss as the goal can end in such terrible places. It’s just that… I did lose weight, and have kept it off. And I do think that for me, the extra weight I was carrying was a symptom of an unhealthy lifestyle, and if I go much above my current weight again it’s likely to be a sign that I need to check what I’m doing re: diet and exercise. And the message I got from some body-positive spaces was more like… “whatever weight you’re at right now is your natural weight, weight loss is completely impossible”, which is just not true for everyone.

          I do get the point behind banning weight loss talk, but I sometimes wish there were spaces… in-between, for lack of a better word? Because a lot of the spaces that do do weight loss talk go about it in a super unhealthy way, so it can be tricky if you’re trying to make healthy changes to your diet which you expect to result in weight loss without getting sucked into yo-yo diets or developing ED-esque problems. Fat Nutritionist is definitely a good resource on that front – I wish she was more active!

          1. Stellaaaaa*

            I think this is one of those things where people who have a healthy, balanced approach to weight loss aren’t going to need to look for validation on the internet. If you’re the type to say, “I feel and look better when I’m X weight and that’s it,” there’s nothing else to say because you’re not trying to convince yourself and others of that, you know?

            1. Gaia*

              This is really super not true. A lot of people who are making changes and feeling better doing X struggle still. And it would be great if there was a community to discuss this without the guilt/shame/baggage.

        2. Gaia*

          So here’s the thing. I didn’t see “banning weight loss talk” I actually would have been fine with that. I saw “actively attack people trying to lose weight and shame them by accusing them of body hate”

          I saw it a lot and it was incredibly hurtful.

        3. Gaia*

          “whether or not you lost weight isn’t super important”

          See….no, sorry. You can’t possibly know if it was super important. I’m one of the people body positive sites laud: I’m obese but “healthy” (all blood work shows great levels, bp is perfect, etc). But I’m not healthy. I see a chiro 3x a week because the excess weight is damaging my back and hips. My knees show signs of developing arthritis at 33! I can’t repair a shoulder injury because my weight makes surgery too dangerous so instead I live with near constant pain.

          This isn’t true for everyone but it is true for some and it is wrong to tell people they shouldn’t focus on weight loss if THAT is what they need to be healthier. There’s a judgement in that and it helps no one.

          1. Washi*

            Fair enough! I misunderstood your point and thought you were saying that talking about things like exercise and reducing sugar are inherently not allowed on body positive sites, which hasn’t been my experience, is just that the goal isn’t weight loss (which clearly is a goal for you)

            1. Gaia*

              No, it is fine. I probably came off harsher than I meant to because I literally just got a completely unprompted scolding from someone on instagram for daring to post about my morning workout successes. I wish people would just be supportive of each other and help each person do what works for them in a way that works for them.

      2. Lissa*

        Yup Tau, for me too! I had looked a lot into stuff and believed losing weight was impossible because set point or something, but then figured “oh what the heck I’ll try” and did find that for me I had gained weight because I was eating too much, and when I stopped boredom eating and added some exercise I lost weight. I also had a couple of health problems that are exacerbated by being overweight and feel much better now! Though I’m not what the media will call skinny for sure. :) I know there’s still a lot of debate about there about which health problems are caused *by* weight and which are correlated with behaviour, and I have read convincing stuff on both sides, but since I’m not planning on giving anyone else unsolicited advice I’m just gonna go with what made me personally feel better!

    4. The Other Dawn*

      My two cents on this is that I feel like some of these body-positive people are just as harmful as the anti-fat people. They’re both saying that there’s someone wrong with us because or how we eat, look, exercise or not, etc. I agree with loving yourself for who you are and liking how you look, but I also think that if there’s something you don’t like, you have every right to change it however you see fit in order to get to where you want to be. And I think the main goal for many people is health. If you happen to love yourself and be overweight and you’re healthy, who cares?

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      There’s general positivity toward your own self and body, and then there’s the BODY POSITIVITY MOVEMENT, which is its own thing. People in the online body positivity/health-at-any-size movement can be in major denial about the reality of health problems correlating to size, or can be really down on the idea of actively trying to lose weight for whatever reason. Even vanity! If you want to lose weight because you’ll be happier if you’re a bit thinner, that’s fine! Whatever helps you get through your life and feeling happy about who you are. But there’s really no room to articulate that in the body positivity sphere.

      1. Gaia*

        And this is a shame because there’s also no room in the fitness community to discuss the real difficulty that I face when losing a massive amount of weight (and how this impacts relationships or why I will stop losing sometimes even when I do everything right, or the pressure I feel to give up, etc)

    6. Sparkly Lady*

      Identity-based groups seem to struggle a lot with groupthink, which can be very challenging. I find it frustrating and have a lot of thoughts that I will keep to myself about why this is such a common issue. :)

      Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a great solution other than to leave ones that aren’t working for you and see if you can find ones that will work.

    7. LilySparrow*

      I am ambivalent about some body-positive and Health At Any Size sites I’ve visited, too. For me, I see a LOT of ageism and erasure of my real experiences.

      I’m sure some people can be quite healthy regardless of their weight. Particularly people under forty and without high-risk family histories. But at my age and in my circumstances, the reality is that my weight is posing significant health risks and causing everyday symptoms I can’t ignore. I do love my body, and I don’t want it to be sick and in pain. Losing weight will make those risks and symptoms better and prolong my life.

      My pain is not imaginary, nor is it a matter of self-loathing. The behaviors that got me to this weight were self-destructive. I know how I felt at a lower weight. I know what I put in my mouth and how much beneficial activity I neglected to get here.

      Doing the opposite is self-care. To pretend that these things are completely divorced from my weight and amount of body fat is as unrealistic as denying climate change or refusing to vaccinate your kids.

      If mind games help people live happier healthier lives, great. More power to them. They have not done me any good.

  81. Notthemomma*

    How do couples complete a house project like painting without wanting to do extreme harm to their SO? ….asking for a friend.

    1. Reba*

      The wanting may be inevitable. The acting on it is the important thing to watch out for.

      Can you work on different tasks/different rooms?

      Good luck!

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      My parents (and many many aunts and uncles), who have all undertaken multiple home renos, often joke that the trick is to paint naked, so you remember why they’re your spouse ;)

      But in reality, my parents divided the work. My dad is a tradesman so he does the carpentry etc. My mom does the painting. And they worked on it individually.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I hired my friend to help me fix this house. We had some challenging moments. I ended up thinking to myself “no wonder couples end up divorced trying to do this.”
      A few things I noticed:

      1) We work into it. We get used to the other person and how they think and what they value as important. So it gets easier and easier to anticipate the other person’s reaction. This can lessen conflict over time. He did not want me wasting money on a tray to go under my washer. We actually argued IN THE STORE. I bought the tray and he installed it. Two weeks later he noticed the tray was full of water and it had successfully protected the new floor he had installed under the washer. In that moment he learned I was not as crazy as he thought. And he also realized the bigger picture. I want his work protected. He got used to me throwing down new rugs etc to protect his work.

      2)It’s helpful to prioritize safety. Add in an eye on the future. What this goes into is having a rationale for why something should be done a certain way. I worry about falling on stairs when I have an arm load of stuff. (Safety) I am concerned what this bodes for me as I age. (Future) All my stairs now have good strong railings. Insist on following logic, have solid reasons for your choices. Some reasons are more persuasive than other reasons. If each person states their reason, one reason can jump out as a very strong and therefore is predominate reason for a particular choice.

      3) Money is always a concern no matter how much money is available. It’s easier if both people commit to keeping costs down. But people have different talents, so my way of reducing costs wasn’t always something my friend thought of. It took the two of us to find all the different ways to reduce costs. I am better at color than he is. I picked out this one color for a room that he HATED. He made fun of my choice. When the room was done, he later told his friends that it looked like a magazine picture. Well, it looks good, but I don’t think it’s a BH and Gs picture. I bought the paint for the room off a clearance table. I paid 9 bucks. Recognizing each other’s strengths is important. This means you can say, “You are better at this than I am, you pick and I will be happy with what you pick.”

      4) Take breaks, reconnect as partners. This means taking breaks together while working on the project and it also means take breaks from having projects going on. Now this guy is just a friend. We wore on each other. We both needed down time from the projects. He took a few periods of 2-3 weeks where he did not work on my house. We both recharged from having these breaks.

      5) There is very little than cannot be fixed. If you chose the wrong color for the bathroom it can be fixed. If you hire a bad plumber, fire him, get someone else. Keep a journal of projects, write down the materials, the contractors and everything. And be sure to write down the date you did the project. They make nice house journals now that can help you organize all this info. Try to stay light-hearted because nothing is permanent, nothing. Commit to learning as you go. There will always be lost money or money spent foolishly. We learn from those experiences and we make stronger choices as we go along.

      In the end, my friend and I found an unexpected thing. My house is 180 years old. It used to be a school house. As he worked along he could see the efforts of people long ago. He could kind of piece together their thoughts as they built this wall or that corner of the foundation, etc. We saw their struggles to use every bit of material available to them. After a bit, we began to feel a sense of honoring their efforts by preserving their work and making the building relevant to today’s world. We could kind of feel them looking down on us and smiling.
      Expect surprise learning experiences.

    5. Notthemomma*

      Thanks all….I’m (mostly) not ready to commit a felony. We had contracted someone to paint the house understanding they could only work weekends (we’re cheap) they started in JUNE and every life even possible got in the way when they said they couldn’t put in any more time- which we were understanding of, because it was truly out of his control. So, with only a day of taping and painting left, stress levels boiled over, words were said, doors were slammed, but no blood, no frightened neighbor children, no spilled paint. It’s done and I will never-NEVER do another project with him again!! :-) ….a mutual decision at that

  82. Chews for BIG dogs?*

    Anyone found anything for big, aggressive chewers? One of my dogs is a giant, mastiff-sized boy who crunches up hooves and knuckle bones the way other dogs eat biscuits. Now that he’s getting to be a senior he has a tendency to throw up the crunched bits he swallows so I need new options. So far the only thing I’ve found that he doesn’t crunch right through is having a local butcher save the biggest cow femurs he gets in & saw out an 8-10″ section for me. My boy loves them, but this is neither cheap nor good for carpets. I’ve tried nylabones & he completely ignored them.

    Ideas? I considered antlers but they seem so small compared to other things he crunches right through…butcher included a femur that was clearly from a younger cow & he cracked it open in 15 minutes. But maybe they are harder than they look?

    1. Anono-me*

      Bison bones. Do you have a bison rancher nearby? Bison tend to be bigger animals with thicker bones.

    2. WG*

      When I had an aggressive chewer, which was more than 10 years ago, we had found extra large ropes bones that could last for weeks. The standard size rope bones lasted less than a half hour.

    3. IntoTheSarchasm*

      We buy cow bones that have been cleaned, sterilized, and had the marrow removed. You can put peanut butter or cheese inside too to increase the time spent trying to get it out and to slow down the chewing. I sorta think the sterilizing process makes them even harder and less porous so they last. I think they have big bones like femurs though I have only bought smaller ones. Also maybe the really big Kong toys with peanut butter inside then frozen, great summer treat. Have not tried antlers. Good luck!

    4. Basia, also a Fed*

      Don’t bother with the antlers – I spent a lot of money on them and they were gone within less than an hour.

  83. Trixie*

    Attempted shopping for clothes tonight and pretty much struck out. I tend to stay away from prints (find them distracting) and that’s all I’m finding, anywhere. Did take a gamble with Wacoal bras and of the six, hope to keep one or two. Looking forward to fall with leggings and tall boots. This time of year, feel like it’s a bit late in summer for maxi dresses. Will try again tomorrow, fingers crossed.

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      I have good luck with Old Navy. Their fits can be weird and the quality isn’t awesome but their stuff works for what I need it to do.

      Sometimes Cotton On has great stuff. Their stock is very small which makes it easy to browse through.

  84. Fellow Traveler*

    I posted a couple weeks ago about moving, and got some good advice about being organized. Thanks! Well we’re almost to moving day and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I feel like Hercules and the Augean stable, the more I pack, the more there is to pack. Ie. I pack the clothes and find the bottom of my drawers are littered with hair ties and safety pins. We live in a small space so as the packed boxes pile up it is getting harder and harder to move around and really assess how much more there is to do. Also my kids keep unpacking the boxes because they want to get to their toys. (We orders reusable plastic boxes for the move. I’m liking them so far, especially if I find some small thing that didn’t get packed, I can just find the right bin and toss it in without worrying about unsealing and resealing the box. The down side is my kids can also open them up whenever they want…)
    My one piece of advice so far: always have a Sharpie clipped to you.
    Anyhow, back to it!

    1. Anonymosity*

      Can you toss a lot of that little stuff? It’s easy to replace.

      Good luck! I’m thinking of moving now and gawd, do I have this exact problem. Anything I can easily get again will GO.

    2. Graceling*

      I spent today packing the kitchen. It was about as awful as I expected, and now I want to nap.

  85. Serious Pillowfight*

    I need to get my wedding and engagement rings polished. The engagement band is sterling silver with a moonstone gem, and my wedding band is sterling silver with a row of crystals. I bought them online, so I can’t go back to the jewelry store I bought them from. How much does a jeweler generally charge to polish rings you didn’t buy from them?

    1. Julia*

      I’ve had jewelers clean my ring for free while I was browsing their store, but it might depend. For silver jewelry, I also have a kit to use at home, but maybe you’d have to google for one that’s safe to use with the stones in yours.

      1. Serious Pillowfight*

        Thanks, I do have the kit and have had jewelers clean my rings. I’m talking about polishing the tarnish off the sterling silver so the ring is super shiny.

        1. LAMM*

          A polishing cloth can take the tarnish off of silver. They’re typically under $10 and is reusable. I would think any jewelry store should have them.

  86. Ask a Manager* Post author

    My oldest niece, who long-time readers may know as M. from her occasional appearances in posts, is now 18 and heading to college next month. She and her friend are visiting and staying with me this week, and it’s SO LOVELY to have them here. They might be the greatest houseguests I’ve ever had — ridiculously well-mannered (the friend keeps offering to reimburse me for every expense, which I am of course not allowing, and has asked if she can take us out to dinner as a thank-you for hosting them), clean up after themselves, are up for any activity I suggest, pamper the cats, and are hilarious conversationalists. These are impressive 18-year-olds, and I was definitely not this good with adults at their age.

    1. Bibliovore*

      I work with the most charming, capable, smart eighteen year olds. Some as student workers, some as a research mentor, some as an independent study instructor, and others as their librarian. I was completely socially inept at that age and it is a delight to be with these “new adults”

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      It’s so nice that you have such a good relationship with your nieces. I hope I’m as good with my siblings’ children when the time comes.

      I hope M. has a great time at college!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Phew. Am glad I am not the only noticing how younger people are better with older folk than I was. For all that is wrong out there we (society) are getting some things right.

    5. it's all good*

      Aren’t niece/nephew relationships just the best? Hanging out and discussing life with our nephews and nieces in their 20’s is a bright spot in our lives. It’s so fun having “adult” experiences with them. Enjoy!

  87. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    Sorry I forgot to post earlier. I just put a reminder in my phone for next week.

    I am tense right now because I went to the grocery store and that’s an anxiety trigger.

    I just had a really good time earlier today hanging out with a friend at the park and then playing board games with him and his wife.

    I am struggling with exercise because there have been wildfires in my region and they make it hard to breathe with all the smoke. It’s cleared up today though.

    I’m proud of making social plans, and of texting my crush to ask her how she’s doing.

    How are you doing?

    1. Henrietta*

      I’ve been on my Lexapro for a few weeks and I’m now up to the full dose. It felt like forever getting here, but the difference is enormous. I feel like I’ve come back to life. One realization–I’m noticing beauty in the world around me, which I didn’t know until now that I’d been oblivious to for so long during my untreated depression. I know antidepressants in general and this drug in particular don’t work for everyone, but I am so grateful for this medical miracle.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      It’s odd you should mention grocery stores. Back when I was having panic attacks and bad vertigo, grocery stores were something I lived in fear of.

      Now I read that it’s a fairly common pattern for women to be triggered in a grocery store. I wish the article would have expanded to explain why. Just my theory, but there are too many choices, too much clutter and too many people moving about. I deliberately went to smaller stores to less all the chaos. I have come out the other side of that one but it was a JOURNEY, holy crap.

      1. Mimmy*

        Oh yes, the CHOICES!!! AHHH!! Even with online clothes shopping I get extremely overwhelmed and just give up.

      2. jojobeans*

        Oh man, this is so true. I just moved to a new city in a new country so am learning how to navigate everything and going to the grocery store is one of my most daunting (and regular) tasks. So far I’ve been sticking to the same one, even though it’s smaller with less variety and farther away than the big one that’s closer but in a much busier area. And brand new (at least to me!)

        New things are massively intimidating! And for some reason, supermarkets are right up there in the anxiety-inducing factor. I found many of the crowded, loud and chaotic Thai markets less intimidating than the grocery store for some reason.

    3. Roseberriesmaybe*

      A…difficult week. Midweek I was in despair about my job. Weekend criticised about my clothing choices.
      But I got through this week of tedious work and unsolicited opinions about my body, and hopefully next week will be better!
      Did your crush text back??

    4. Mimmy*

      Doing okay but definitely keeping things bottled up (mainly stuff about things we don’t talk about on weekends here) because I don’t really have anyone to help me work out my thoughts. I really want to post in the Friday thread, but the thread is usually over 1000 posts by the time I get home :(

      I had my therapist on Wednesday and was going to discuss these things with her, but I had also wanted to talk about my feelings about a possible health issue. Next thing we knew, time ran out. I only see her once a month (insurance reasons) so…. ugh. Actually, what I probably need is a career coach.

      One thing I’m proud of this week was that on Friday, I had a nice chat with my supervisor and was honest about the fact that I’m pursuing a certification that will probably eventually lead me to leave the job. There’s more to it but that’s not relevant for the weekend thread.

      I’m also proud of the fact that I have been able to avoid drinking for over a month now. I’m more of a social drinker these days but have drank at home as well, sometimes going a bit overboard. Due to possible liver issues, my doctor has asked me to avoid drinking to help rule out that as a cause. She’d asked me back in March to cut back. I tried to stop but couldn’t, though I tried really hard to keep it to social drinking (family gatherings, conference in June, etc). When my numbers went up again in July, I said “no more!” until this thing is figured out.

      1. Henrietta*

        Although other things are hard, congratulations on a month without drinking–that’s a big accomplishment!

        While you’re hesitant to post in the Friday thread because there are lots of posts on there by the time you’re available, I think you should post anyway. Although you might not get the higher volume that comes from earlier posts, you’ll almost certainly still get some replies. That’s a step up from zero if you don’t post at all. :)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        If you let us know here when you put a post on the work thread, we can go over and look. I bet a couple people would do that for you. I would.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I have a checkup with my bariatric surgeon this week and I dread it. I’m five years out from weight loss surgery and I’ve done really well. Had the skin removal, too. I was morbidly obese before surgery and I’m now considered “overweight” by those crazy height/weight charts. But even after all this time I still dread doctor’s appointments where they weigh me in. The reason I dread this one is because I gained 8 pounds in the three months since I’ve seen him. Not normally a big deal for most people, but it just brings me back to when I was morbidly obese and had to hear my doctors tell me every single year how I was gaining more weight, I’m going to develop health problems, etc. It just makes me feel all that shame all over again. I’ve gained about 15 pounds since the skin removal last year and would like to lose it, but I’m struggling with it. Seems like I can either get the exercise on track or the eating, but not both at the same time. Very frustrated with myself. Weeks ago I said, “This is it! I’m getting on track and I’m going to lose the 8 pounds I gained since seeing the surgeon last!” Nope didn’t happen. Guess I’m afraid of the judgement, which is really much more in my own mind, I know. The only thing I could legitimately say is that when he saw me three months ago, I was in the middle of my second stomach virus within a month (each lasted a week!) and wasn’t eating a lot, and that my current weight is usually where I’m at. But even then, it’s still 15 pounds more than last year. I’ve considered rescheduling many times so I can have more time to lose a few pounds, but that’s also behavior from when I was obese and I don’t want to keep repeating that. UGH.

  88. MamaSarah*

    Hubby had a birthday this evening. I ordered him a carrot cake (his fave) from a local bakery. We cut a slice only to find it’s terrible! The cake crumbled when cut and was very dry and flavorless, so it was like eating layers of icing. Yuck. I also totally brain farted the dimensions and ordered a 10 inch cake (which is huge!!). I spent 40$ on a cake that is inedible. Can I ask for my money back? I’m so disappointed. Further, the resturant we went brought hubby a heart shaped cheesecake with a candle in it at the end of the meal…we all had a little taste. Incredible. I left the meal feeling happy but not cracked out. Ek! It just seems so wasteful (money and food wise) to pitch a such a big cake.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      Absolutely! Take it back and tell them the problem. Carrot cake should be moist. That’s the whole point of it. I know it’s weird because it’s food but you paid for something and you weren’t happy with it. Definitely take it back.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Yes, bring the cake back and explain. It’s not as though you decided, “Eh, I’m not feeling like carrot cake today and don’t want to pay for my mistake.”

    4. nep*

      A good baker/bakery who cares about quality and reputation should be happy and eager to make things right if a product was not satisfactory. I hope you’ll bring it back and that they reimburse. Let us know.

    5. Alianora*

      You’d be within your rights to ask, but there are definitely some bakeries that wouldn’t refund just because the customer says the cake is dry. I hope you get your money back.

  89. Sonja*

    We’ve got a three week old baby who sleeps in a little cot that attaches to our bed for easy access during the night. It feels odd to say this, but she is LOUD at night. She moans, grunts, groans and squeaks almost constantly. She usually doesn’t cry during the night at all even when she’s hungry – instead she will make little talking noises and kick her legs until I wake up to breastfeed her. During the day she does cry when she’s hungry.
    Our aftercare midwife says there’s nothing to be concerned about, but she’s our first child and I guess we’ve expected more crying and less moaning and groaning? Should we just be grateful for our considerate baby?

    1. Belle*

      Our 3 month old is the same way. He is a REALLY noisy sleeper and doesn’t cry when hungry. We actually just moved him to his own room because of how loud he still is.

      Our doctor did diagnose him with GERD and that is partly why he is loud, but I was also told it is really normal for most babies.

      1. Sonja*

        Good to hear that we’re not alone with our noisy baby. :) GERD is a good point, she spits up a lot, so I’ll have her checked for that.

    2. Cambridge Comma*

      My daughter sounded like a pterodactyl when she slept for the first few weeks. It suddenly stopped.
      She also didn’t cry when she was hungry, she just said ‘eh, eh!’ That also changed as she got bigger. But probably if sh had ever got really hungry, she would have screamed, but as she slept so close, we woke up before then.
      They change every five minutes at this age. Just enjoy the lack of crying while it lasts.

    3. Ranon*

      Infants are such loud sleepers! I’m a side sleeper and slept with one earplug in the top ear when my kiddo was an infant in our room- I could lift my head to listen whenever but I also wasn’t stirring with every little grunt. She’ll get you up if she needs you!

    5. T*

      My sister had such a hard time sleeping with her daughter in the room for the first few weeks she would sleep elsewhere in the house until it was time to feed. Her husband could sleep through the little noises, she couldn’t. I think once they bumped the white noise machine up and put the baby on the other side of the bedroom, my sister was able to sleep in the same room.

  91. Anonymous Bee-sness*

    I think I’m going to try and casually define things with someone I’ve been aimlessly back & forth flirting with for a little over 2 weeks now. I don’t think it will go like I want it to/I’ll get the answer I want. I don’t want to put labels on anything, per se, just get casual feelers for what this might turn into, but still don’t think we’ll be on the same page. I’m putting myself out there WAY more than I ever have (which isn’t saying much, but it seems to fall flat anyways) and I’m getting a little scared I’ll end up hurt if I don’t do this. It feels too early/too serious, but I’m just getting stressed because I really see a future with this guy, just maybe not immediately because of logistics, and maybe he feels the same and this will sort of scare him off… but it’s stressing me out and making me sort of ill, and if he runs away over me asking for a non commital, “I think I’m leaning more this way” answer… maybe we never would’ve worked anyways. He doesn’t seem interested in me as a person right now (we have a slight history that I don’t give much weight too), but just as a body, and I guess if that’s all it is, I’d like to get out with minimal pride wounds. I feel very dramatic, but I feel like I don’t have Solid friends to run this by at 3am and mostly just need to vent, but of course welcome reality checks.

    1. ScotKat*

      You absolutely need to find out where you stand. It is emotionally draining to keep guessing how someone else might feel about you (I know from experience!). I totally empathise and know how much it sucks if someone you see a future with doesn’t feel the same way but trust me, it’s much better and more liberating to know for sure. Be true to yourself and don’t care about it being ‘too soon’ or anything… Your time is precious, and it isn’t too soon for you to know what is going on. Please take care, and know that if it isn’t right for you then you wouldn’t be happy with it long term, anyway.

    2. Stellaaaaa*

      Forgive me if I’m off base, but to me it sounds like you actually do want to put a label on things, but you feel pressured into being more “cool” with a casual relationship that you really are. That’s okay. I really, really, really hate it when women are told by men AND other women that the progressive way to date is to not have expectations of your partner. Be honest with what you want, and move on if this dude doesn’t want to be with you in a way that will make you happy.

  92. Tau*

    For the first time in three months I’m no longer anemic! (7.3 mmol/l hemoglobin on Thursday – normal range for women is 7.5-10, and I was at 4 two weeks ago.) Iron infusions are magic. I’m able to climb stairs again! I can try cycling again!

    I’m pretty certain I’ve lost muscle mass and stamina as a whole over the last three months and will have to work at it to regain them (now seems like an opportune time to try going to the gym again…) but it is no comparison to the horror that is anemia. At one point, I’d have to sit down and catch my breath after getting dressed. Right now I feel like I could climb mountains.

    No question here, really, just sharing good news. :)

    1. nep*

      Great news. Good on ya for handling that health issue and getting back to strong you. All the best.

    2. Bluebell*

      Congratulations! Don’t forget to admire your nailbeds. That was a shallow pleasure for me after I stopped suffering from anemia.

      1. Tau*

        Oh yeah, the odd physical side-effects! Like, my toes are no longer stark white, I am now capable of getting a red face after exerting myself instead of just pinkish blotches on my cheeks, and my inner eyelids are dark pink instead of pale pink. It’s so disturbing when you can see that your blood is not in the state it should be.

  93. The RO-Cat*

    Update on the Romanian protests: after the debacle of 8/10 we have a full-blown military prosecutors’ investigation into the facts (Big Thing here), some 200+ criminal complaints by innocent protesters roughed up by riot police and several fake news / propaganda spins debunked. The MO of TPTB looks awfully close to the russian MO nowadays (and the Russian online news outlet / propaganda machine here actively supports the political power, so…). We also have criminal investigations targeting specific riot police officers (and also their superiors plus politicians involved), but also videos on social media showed some riot police covered their identification (letters + numbers on helmets) with black tape, which is suspicious as all hell.
    In other news, whatever the trolls and gremlins in power here planned with the violences backfired as expected. They’re now in an all-out, no quarter given, full-blown war against their citizens. Guess who will win?

    2. Belle di Vedremo*

      Wow. Really glad some are making criminal complaints.
      And yes, we know who will win. Romanians are impressive people.
      Please keep us posted.

      1. The RO-Cat*

        Thanks, Anonymosity and Belle di Vedremo! I do hope prosecutors will do their job swiftly and completely. There’s enough tension between Justice and the ruling coalition to power a small city. The General Prosecutor is a tough guy who didn’t hesitate to speak his mind when politicians tried to de-criminalize graft; we all hope his underlings will take on his attitude and will not allow themselves to be scared. In the meantime our streets are welcoming the crowds! :-D

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      I admire your collective courage in standing up for your beliefs. Let’s hope it is contagious. There are many corners of the world that would benefit from more people standing up and speaking out.
      And yes, + 1 to Anonymosity’s message. Be safe.

  94. Lynne879*

    I want to start eating healthy, but I’m also not very good at cooking.

    What are good cookbooks with healthy food for beginners?

    1. Fellow Traveler*

      How to Cook Everything, by Mark Bittman was my go to when I first started cooking for myself. There is also a vegetarian version. It is simple and also show how you can make variations on a dish. For what it’s worth, I think if you focus on learning to cook and eating what you cook, eating healthy will follow.

    2. OyHiOh*

      How to Cook Everything is great! Second that recommendation

      Also love How to Cook Without a Book, which is based on the same idea as How to Cook Everything, but a smaller book aimed at every day basic meals.

      Both start on the idea of basic formulas (pasta + sauce + protein and/or veggies, for example) and then teach both the foundation techniques to do it right no matter what specific ingredients you have on hand and a formula (ratio of pasta to sauce to protein/veggies).

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      This might not be very helpful suggestion, but I don’t mind paying for healthy salads or vegetable dishes, because the alternative is that I simply won’t eat well. You don’t have to feel guilty about spending more money on something that other people can cook for less money.

  95. Kristin*

    I wake up with bags under my eyes. They go away with the day. What’s going on?!?! I’m 29!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Not to be scary but mine was tachycardia. I was going into irregular heart beat while I slept. I was 34. I had a minor thyroid problem which I ignored. After a bit I went through a hugely stressful period. My heart and thyroid went on strike. I started working with a practitioner who got me into B vitamins, calcium and other good stuff.

      In the last 2 dozen years I have only had one more episode and that was at the same time my husband passed. (Stress overload again.) I saw the bags and grabbed my vitamin B, the first morning I saw the bags. No further problem. YMMV, of course, and you could be having a totally different situation.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It was years back, so no I didn’t. Someone else may be able to tell you about a more current experience. Life was such that I was only getting 1-2 hours sleep per night because of dealing with life issues. If they told me to go for a sleep test I probably would have told them something not very nice.

    3. Kristin*

      Now that I’m thinking about it more, I think it might be acid reflux inflaming my nasal cavities while I sleep. I’m going to try one of those angled pillows and see…

    4. Someone Else*

      Do you have any sinus issues? Particularly exacerbated by lying down? Sinus pressure/seasonal allergies/that sort of thing can cause bags under your eyes, or dark circles.

  96. poetry writing*

    I’ve been writing poetry and wondering how do you get real feedback? Like a close reading of what I’m writing so I can get better?

    1. Laura H.*

      Do you know other people who write poetry?

      I write fic and I have a few people who I can politely shove something at and ask “does this look ok/ please talk me outta my ‘this is garbage’ rut I’m in and mean it.” And they do.

      And I also do it for them.

      I DO put it up for the world to see after it’s polished up all pretty but not before then- 90% of the time before that, it’s under my perview.

    2. L-cJ*

      the Absolute Write Water Cooler has a poetry forum – I haven’t spent any time in the poetry one, but have found the forums there generally good

  97. Juli G.*

    Looking for advice for people with kids all of the same gender…

    My boys are 3.5 years apart and it is so difficult to buy presents for the little one because we have it all. For example, older child got a bike for his fourth birthday. He’s on the smaller side but this was the last summer he fit on it, which means new bike for birthday or Christmas. Perfect! However, little one turns 4 this year and there’s no reason to get him a new bike because the one older kid outgrew is in great condition and is themed with a character younger kid loves. So I feel like 1) the younger one misses out and 2) I miss out on a gift idea that’s useful and practical but 3) I’m not going to spend $75-100 on a bike for the sake of keeping things equal.

    And experiences are great gifts and we do spend one on one time with our kids but given we’re a busy dual-career family, I hate to plan an experience we’re not all going to be part of.

    Do I just hope that the little one doesn’t notice? In a couple of years, I think he’ll have enough independent, personality driven requests that this won’t be a thing (i.e. the skateboard older one got at 11 isn’t his thing, he wants a BMX).

    1. BRR*

      Younger of two boys here. 4.5 years apart and frequent recipient of hand me downs. We definitely notice if we aren’t getting things new. Now that I’m older and 100% agree with not getting a new bike when the other bike is in great condition, I can’t really think of a solution. I think you’re doing it right with using birthday/Christmas gifts and then you can always point out older sibling got a bike, you got X instead. My brother got stuff outside the gift cycle and I hated that it wasn’t “equal.”

      1. Juli G.*

        Good to know. We do supplement his wardrobe with stuff he likes (he likes tank tops more than t-shirts in the summer so I bought some, he wanted Incredibles stuff which the other one didn’t like, he always gets brand new shoes, etc) but he’s using any of the pants, hoodies, and basics that big bro didn’t ruin.

    2. AnotherJill*

      Growing up, I was a frequent recipient of hand me downs and I really hated it. One of my best memories as a child is my mother buying my first brand new just for me winter coat in the eighth grade (yes, the eighth grade).

      If you can afford it, I would once in a while not worry saving money. Sell or give the previous version away and take the youngest out to pick out something of their own. It probably doesn’t matter to a four year old, but might make a big difference as they get older.

    3. The New Wanderer*

      My older is a girl and younger is a boy but as they’re 4 yrs apart and we bought a lot of gender neutral stuff for the girl (when she was younger and that was more possible), he gets a lot of her hand me downs. Including her outgrown bikes, although those were hand-me-downs from neighbors to begin with. I was going to suggest customizing the outgrown bike with stickers of the younger boy’s favorite characters/themes to make it ‘new’ for him, but it sounds like he’ll probably like the bike as is. Maybe a new helmet?

      We supplement the way you do – boy likes specific characters so I get him a few clothes, PJs, or toys with that theme. At 4, he doesn’t care if the clothes are hand me downs because they’re new to him, he only cares if once in a while I get him something superhero-themed. (Pro-tip: Stitch a cape to the shoulder seams of a superhero-logo t-shirt for instant costume)

      Also, we end up stashing excess toys away for a while (sometimes years if they are really forgotten). Then when we take them out to go through, the issue we run into isn’t that the younger ends up with hand-me-downs, it’s that the older one remembers when such-and-such toy was HERS. But if it’s something she hadn’t played with in years and her brother wants it, we can guide her toward her pile of more-loved toys. And her brother gets a new-to-him toy that he doesn’t associate with his sister because he doesn’t remember her having it.

    4. Really*

      Agree with the just buy a new whatever every once in awhile(another’s). But disagree a little on the idea of using birthdays/Christmas for all these type of gifts. Part of this is the fact you can’t always wait for the big gift days. My son’s birthday is Dec 23 so waiting was not an option at all. The other part is at younger ages I don’t larger items that can be used by younger siblings can more family items than individual items.

    5. Aquablue*

      Parent of 2 girls that are 3 years apart. We’ve always done the hand-me-down approach for clothes but we stress to the younger one that she can always “veto” the hand-me-down, even if it looks brand-new. They’re still pretty young (13 and 10) and they share a room so when it comes to toys, we haven’t had issues or complaints from the younger one. I think sharing the room blurs the lines for the toys so the younger one doesn’t necessarily feels she’s getting the shaft.

      We do make an effort to get the younger one new clothes if it’s been awhile (like months). When they were really young, the big ticket items like bikes (which you mention) or like a big kitchen set were things we didn’t buy doubles of. So if the older one got a big kitchen set, the younger one did NOT get one at her birthday/Christmas/etc. Like you said, the $$ starts to add up and you run out of space very quickly if you try to match everything.

      As they’ve gotten older, they want less big toys and their interests are diverging so there are less opportunities for the toys to get passed down. And our philosophy is if the younger one isn’t interested in it, there is no obligation for her to take the toy.

      We try to keep open lines of communication so (I hope) the younger one feels comfortable speaking up if she’s unhappy about getting hand-me-downs.

    6. Ron McDon*

      I have two boys, 4.5 years apart.

      I was the younger sister growing up and would get my sister’s hand me downs, plus I had older female cousins so I would get their hand me downs too!

      I didn’t like it. However, my parents worked really hard and had very little disposable income, so I understand it now (as an adult).

      My younger son has always had his brother’s hand me downs, but it doesn’t bother him. This winter I did buy him a £100 coat that he wanted from a designer brand, because he reminded me that he’s only ever had his brothers old coats and I felt guilty! Plus he was turning 13, when they’re a little more conscious about that sort of stuff. But most of this summers’ wardrobe of t-shirts and shorts were ones his brother had grown out of and were hardly worn. He’d rather do that than bother going shopping for clothes, so win-win!

      When my youngest was little, I would wrap up his brother’s old toys at Christmas – if they were new ‘to him’ he still loved them, and he enjoyed tearing the paper off the most.

      It depends on the child, I think. Some children I know have made a real fuss about having used toys/clothes, others aren’t bothered.

      I look at it that the money I saved by not giving him new toys/clothes whilst he was young I could put towards buying him more expensive stuff when he’s older – like a £100 winter coat!

    7. Jen Erik*

      I’ve three girls, and absolutely handed down anything that could be handed down: that just makes sense to me. I would think of it as an important value, almost, to teach the children.

      Just to be radical, you could solve it the other way by sometimes buying the older second-hand stuff (I absolutely did this with bicycles).

      (My 3rd & youngest daughter – now 22 – just wandered in to the room at that point. and I asked her for her take as the one who ended up with all the mismatched stuff. She said Yes, absolutely passing things down is fine “as long as not everything he gets is second-hand”.)

    8. LilySparrow*

      Two girls less than 2 years apart. Hand-me-downs are less of a “youngest only” thing for us because we are the last stop on a couple of family/friend funnels for toys and clothes. So they both get a fairly equal proportion of new and pre-owned stuff.

      They also skipped a size in bikes, so that the younger one was already too big for the hand-me-down bike, and we had to get both new or none.

      I hate shopping, but when I do it’s often consignment or Salvation Army, which makes it easier to bring home little surprises for either of them without blowing the budget. And there are certain occasions (Easter, Christmas pajamas, back-to-school) when they each get one new outfit.

  98. CanadianUniversityReader*

    Hi Everyone,

    I am interested in expanding my cooking repertoire and I’m thinking I would like to learn more about Indian food. Does anyone have any recommendations for cookbooks for Indian food?

    Thanks!

    2. OyHiOh*

      Lord Krishna’s Cuisine: The Art of Indian Vegetarian Cooking by Yamuna Devi

      It is a spectacular book, textbook really, on how to cook. Also a big appendix on terms used, common foods and seasonings.

    4. Fellow Traveler*

      If you have and Instant Pot, I highly recommend Urvashi Pitre’s Indian Instant Pot cook book. Everything we’ve made from it has been really tasty, not to complicated or fussy and quick. There is even a recipe for how to make paneer in the Instant Pot.

    6. Nervous Accountant*

      I’m pakistani but never learned to cook until I was way older (20s). I found the YouTube “bajiascooking” was very helpful. I don’t remember if her recipes were in English or not but the text on the recipe was always in English. Watching her videos helped me hone my instincts for cooking

  99. T*

    Does anyone have recommendations for buying a couch online? About 3 years ago I bought a couch online through wayfair and it’s beginning to fall apart. I’m looking for something that is a little more higher quality that will last longer, though I understand that as my only piece of furniture it won’t stay perfect forever.

    I want something that I can put together myself and one that isn’t more than $1,000.

    1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      I got a new couch from Ashley HomeStore a few weeks ago, and I’m really pleased with it, so if you’re in the Northeast US, maybe check them out. The total for the couch itself plus delivery and set up/installation was under $500.

      Before buying, I read tons of reviews online. I mostly looked at local furniture stores, both because I wanted to make sure delivery would be available (I drive a very tiny car) and because I was ready to buy a nicer couch than what I might get from someplace like Wayfair or Overstock or wherever.

      1. Gatomon*

        I got a great couch from Furniture Row a few years ago for… $850 delivered? And I was able to choose the fabric, throw pillows, arm styles and configuration for that price. So far it’s held up to the cat very well, and is very comfy. I chose to buy locally because I wanted to sit on whatever I was spending that kind of money on, though I did put a whole day of driving around in to find stores in my price range that had styles I liked.

        Does it absolutely have to be an online purchase/something you can assemble and disassemble? I have heard good things about Ikea, but am nowhere near one so delivery charges are insane.

  100. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    My wife bought me these Sennhauser wireless headphones because the kittens keep chewing on the wires to the $50 noise canceling headphones I bought.

    They’re amazing but I feel SO guilty! We’re doing okay financially and they are effectively my Christmas and anniversary gift too (I’ll still get candy/lotion/new socks or gym shirt, but no big present).

    Like, I am just me. A slightly irresponsible, stupid, and very clumsy person who constantly burns through shoes/earbuds/tank tops because of six hard workouts a week. Why the heck would anyone spend that much on me?

    1. Anonymosity*

      Why? Because she’s your wife and she loves you! That’s a very thoughtful present.

      Enjoy them!!

  101. Lady Jay*

    Agh, why is making life changes so hard? I moved out of state recently to get an advanced degree, and now I regret everything. Today has been awful.

    Went to church and was barely acknowledged; people just went too and fro without even noticing the newcomer (and I was pretty obvious, sitting right next to one of the aisles). Left early, missing my old church. Drove for two hours hoping to shake off my feelings, but it didn’t work. Came home, started a load of laundry, and less than an hour later somebody had taken it out of the washer, and put it in the dryer, so they could start theirs. Now one of my shirts is shrunk so much it’s unwearable, and because I’m back on a grad school budget (which stinks so bad, after having had an actual job for years), I won’t be able to replace it, I’ll just have one fewer black shirt.

    I want my old life back.

    Failing that, I want to crawl under the covers and never come out.

    2. nep*

      Oh, man–that is rough. Talk about when it rains it pours. (And WHO JUST GOES AND PUTS ANOTHER’S CLOTHES IN A DRYER?! That’s just plain wrong. If even a family member did that to me at home I’d be livid.)

      You know this already and in the moment it almost sucks to hear it because it just doesn’t seem real but–It. Gets. Better.
      Do what you have to do to cope. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if it means sometimes stepping to the couch to get under the covers for a while.
      Good on ya for pursuing that degree. Sending you good vibes for whatever it’s worth and wishing you better days. Little by little. Breathe.

      1. Stellaaaaa*

        On the first point, if you’re in student housing or a school-arranged student apartment, it’s really common to switch someone else’s clothes so you can use the washer. It can actually be considered rude to leave your clothes in the washer or dryer unattended when the machines are meant for use by multiple people.

        1. Lady Jay*

          1) Not in student housing; it’s an ordinary apartment. 2) The washer was probably finished for no more than 10 minutes before he took them out; it was certainly less than an hour since I’d even startedthe washer. 3) I wouldn’t be mad if he’d taken them out and laid them on top of the dryer or something, even still wet. Then I could control how they were dried at least.

        2. fposte*

          I would agree that that’s generally true in any non-private laundry setting–apartment laundry rooms too.

          But you don’t put the unknown person’s stuff in the dryer. You just pull it out and put it in their basket or on the nearest surface.

          1. Gatomon*

            Exactly, this was the rule in my dorm — unattended clothes would be removed and placed on the tables nearby. Usually you got some sort of grace period unless all the machines were full.

            I often sat down there to study without distractions while my clothes washed, so I saw a lot of what went on. I don’t remember ever seeing someone put clothes into a dryer and start them that weren’t theirs.

    3. Rusty Shackelford*

      That sucks! There’s a chance you can stretch the shirt back out to its original size, though, if you haven’t already tossed it. There are different versions online, but you basically soak it in water with a bit of conditioner or fabric softener, and then stretch it back into shape. It works best with knits, obviously, but I was able to successfully rescue a woven rayon shirt that accidentally got dried.

  102. AvonLady Barksdale*

    This might be more appropriate for the work thread, but it’s definitely a life issue. My partner is about to start the last year of his PhD and we had a long, fraught discussion last night (he thinks it was a fight, I don’t) about his job search plans. He wants a tenure-track position but he’s also looking at industry, non-profits (think tanks), and post-docs (he’s in a STEM field with great prospects, but the best jobs are a bit out of his reach for various reasons). He’s not picky about school size or location. I am much more picky about location but I’m open. I just feel very… lost and out of control, because it’s not in my control. I don’t want to stay in our current city, and there’s little risk of that, and I’m about 75% sure I can take my job with me wherever we go. So it’s not that I’m afraid of moving again, more that I don’t know what the future holds and I am trying hard not to freak out, both for my own mental health and for his. I’ve struggled with not wanting to say “absolutely not” to a job he’s considering applying for, but he told me last night that I should definitely speak up because he doesn’t even want to apply to a place where I would be miserable. And I appreciate that and I love him for it, but I still feel like, for the first time in my life, I’m subject to someone else’s choices and it is HARD. When we moved here, I was ready to leave NYC and ready for a new adventure. This just feels scary.

    Any other trailing spouses out there? Or academics with trailing spouses? How did you deal? I just need some commiseration and maybe some tips for getting through the next few months.

    1. BRR*

      I’m a trailing spouse (husband currently has a non academic job). Absolutely speak up about location. For a post doc it might be fine for a year but I looked at it like a tenure position would likely be our forever home and if I didn’t like the place that would likely spill over and create an unhappy marriage.

      I don’t have a ton of advice for the uncertainty. It’s tough because you really can’t target a specific city. One thing that helped me (and it sounds horrible) was that my husband earned a humanities PhD from a lower ranked school with a speciality that I think has posted less than 5 jobs in the 4 years he’s had his degree. I kept reminding myself we will cross this bridge when we get to it because it was statistically unlikely he would get an academic job.

    2. Academic*

      Definitely talk with spouse about where you could handle living. My spouse has trailed me, but his job is portable and I only applied places we both wanted to live. I’m glad your partner is willing to look outside TT positions; that should open up options considerably.

    3. Jillociraptor*

      My other half is at the very beginning stages of seeking a TT position and this resonates a lot. He is in a field where you really need to take a “you get what you get and you don’t get upset” approach, since the TT opportunities are much less plentiful than in STEM. Luckily, we have similar preferences for where we’d ideally be, and have both proactively worked on accepting that we might end up living in a place where we really don’t particularly want to. But still, it is really hard to try to imagine your future when there’s so much uncertainty about physically where you’ll be.

      It really helped us to have a conversation about this before there were any real jobs in the picture. What are the features of a place that you would want to live? How will you decide how to decide about whether to accept a position? Do either of you have any deal breakers? The emotions get amped up when there’s something real on the table, even if it’s just an application, and it can feel like you’re only in a position of saying no, which is stressful. (Though you should definitely say no to places you would hate living!)

      In the meantime, while I’ve been tempted to punt everything to when we’re more settled in a place, I’ve instead really doubled down on trying to make the place we live more fun and functional. Even small things like cleaning out the closets and reorganizing the kitchen. My first inclination with things like this is to say, who cares, it’s not worth any time or money investment, I’ll figure it out when we move. But actually, having something more immediate to focus on with real and positive impacts on my everyday life has made me feel a lot better about the uncertainty.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        What gets me so much is exactly that, the uncertainty of it all. HE is feeling a little, “You get what you get”, and I’m like, “But what about the symphony orchestra you want?” He is, understandably, feeling very much like, “Well, this job sounds good and I will need a job, so I will apply,” whereas I am more focused on “This will be our home.” I would prefer a city but can handle a big college town like Ann Arbor or Madison or Fayetteville, AR. We both want a symphony orchestra. I would prefer to have a synagogue available and not be the only Jewish person half the town has ever met.

        I’ll feel a lot more settled when he gets interviews. Then I will be able to really look into whether I would be happy in a place because it will be more concrete. I have told him, though, that if he goes the post-doc route, I will only uproot myself for a really good post-doc that makes sense for him in a location that I would love, because it’s only two years and I would rather try long distance than move to the middle of nowhere at this point. He’s on board with that.

        I’m also very home-y, like you, so what you said made me smile. I generally take a lot of pride and interest in my home, and it’s only in these last few weeks that I’ve been all, “Eff it, I can’t buy anything because I don’t want to move it!” Funny how that goes. :)

  103. Persimmons*

    Everything I’ve tried to purchase this weekend is discontinued or gone. I needed to buy Mr. Persimmons new pajama pants–Kohl’s stopped making the kind he likes. I tried to get more laundry detergent–suddenly all the stores I frequent no longer carry the dye-free formula we use. I wanted to pick some of the grain-free food our cat needs–the pet store quit stocking it.

    To every retailer who whines that people only shop online anymore: TRY HAVING INVENTORY. I spent three hours out and about, and came home empty-handed.

    1. Anonymosity*

      This!
      I live in a smaller city and nobody ever has anything I need. Ugh. But I was in Walmart the other day and the razorblades I needed were gone, and the clerk did go find me some. I thanked her about a million times.

    2. amanda_cake*

      This was me this weekend. I drove like 40 minutes to see if I could find a new Vera Bradley purse. Didn’t like any of the patterns and most of their stock was too smal. Went into old navy to see if I could find new work pants. Tried on one size and thought they were just a smidge too small. Went up a size and they were far too big. Left with no pants. Drove to a store to look for a certain brand of pocket knife that I collect (weird I know but a product of growing up in the country). Didn’t have it. Drove to their recommendation and they had the brand, but nothing special. I don’t buy knives with synthetic handles, so left without knife. That store carries Yeti products. Didn’t have the color cup I wanted in the size I was after.

      Went home and gave up trying to spend money. Guess I will be making a trip to the general store about 80 miles from here in a few weeks to look at their knife selection. They put out limited edition Halloween knives every year so I want to try to snag one. I think they usually only make 400.

    3. Rogue*

      I had this happen a couple months ago. My eye glass frames were discontinued…went to buy more shampoo and conditioner and both of them were discontinued as well.

    4. LCL*

      The company that makes my dog’s dry food discontinued it. We have been feeding him the same product since we got him, 10 years ago. He had to start his new food the SAME day he started taking a new medicine for Cushing’s. It worked out OK, the new is similar to the old and he is tolerating it, but that is not how one is supposed to switch dogs to a new food.

  104. Gatomon*

    I’m getting so frustrated with apartment life.

    My previous neighbor got a working-breed puppy that howled with unhappiness constantly and peed all over the walkway so it permanently stinks like dog urine now. She moves out, and it sounds like the new neighbors who just showed up also have an unhappy puppy. Last summer someone’s dog had diarrhea down the walkways and steps from the 3rd floor allll the way to the 1st, and nothing was done about it until the fall rains took care of things. All winter long, someone let their dog pee and poop on the concrete at the bottom of the stairs so there was a frozen pee puddle you had to leap over and frozen nuggets you had to avoid. And on top of all of that, people aren’t picking up the poo in the grass so someone keeps stepping on it and tracking it all up the stairs again!

    I’ve lived here 6 years now, and it’s only in the last 2 that the dog owners have become such a freaking problem. I’m starting to understand why so many apartments ban dogs entirely. I’m actually coming to hate them, even though it’s the owners’ fault.

    I really want to move to a new complex, but I just can’t justify the additional cost. If I wanted to rent for the same price I’d be moving somewhere that has worse crime and transient problems than where I live now. I don’t even know what to do anymore. Maybe I can move to another unit in the complex that is away from the dog owners.

      1. Gatomon*

        I don’t think so, but since I have a cat, I’m not sure I’d qualify for a pet-free building. :( I know in the bigger, fancier sister complex down the road they try to keep the college kids in the same building, but I don’t remember hearing anything about pet-free buildings.

        Actually I could possibly do a first-floor two bedroom unit if any are open at the time, I can afford that. The buildings are all configured 1 1 2 3 2 1 1 with stairwells on the ends, so there’s no escape in a one bedroom really.

  105. Emma*

    What are my obligations to a spouse who is unhappy where we live? Background: he has a masters degree but hasn’t worked since he graduated 5 years ago. I am the sole breadwinner and have been throughout our relationship. I also do all the housework (cooking, dishes, trash, bill paying, and the minimal cleaning that happens—we used to have a cleaning lady (which we could afford) but he didn’t like having someone in the house.) I am doing very well in my career and on the cusp of a big promotion hopefully next year. He is unhappy with the cold climate in the winter where we live (think Denver type climate) because it aggravates an old injury/arthritis, so he wants me to quit and move. Any suggestions of alternatives (he moves during the winter and I visit on weekends, we buy a condo or rent somewhere warm a few months a year when it’s cold and I work remotely, he visits family in warmer areas during cold months) are immediately rejected and I’m told I’m putting my career before him. He also won’t consider getting medical help for his condition, he just continues with painkillers and that’s it. He says he won’t be able to live through another winter. The guilt he’s putting on me is immense but I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to quit my job (that I like and pays well) right now just in hopes that he likes somewhere else better. What do you do when you reach an impasse like this with your spouse? Am I selfish for not wanting to move? How do I deal with the guilt?

    1. Ron McDon*

      If I am missing some extra context around your spouse not working for 5 years I apologise, but how is it that you work full time AND do all the cooking, dishes and housework?!

      Again, I am sorry if I am mis-reading the situation from your summary (you are the one living in your relationship so you know it best), but what you have written makes it sound like your spouse is incredibly selfish and self-centred.

      They don’t work, but don’t do cooking, dishes or cleaning. They also don’t like having someone else in the house to do the cleaning, so instead of taking the cleaning on themselves, the solution was for you to start doing that, too?

      You pay for everything, and your spouse is sulking because you are putting your (successful) career ahead of moving away?

      What would your lives look like if you had to give up your job so you could move? Would your spouse start working in order to contribute to the household? Why won’t they try any other medical help? Why are your suggested compromises rejected?

      I am sorry to sound so blunt, but it seems like your spouse wants everything to go how they say, with no effort, contribution, negotiation or compromise on their part. I would be very unwilling to give up a career where I was on track for promotion to move somewhere to please someone who seems so wholly unconcerned about doing anything to improve their own situation.

      But, as stated above, there might be a whole load of context I don’t have – I hope so, for your sake.

    2. Anonymosity*

      You’re not being selfish; he is.

      I understand that he’s suffering, but you’re the one paying the bills. If you quit to move, there’s no guarantee you’ll find another job like the one you have. That won’t just affect you; it will put you both in financial jeopardy. And he’s not even trying to deal with his medical problem. If you moved somewhere warmer, there’s no guarantee that would help. Lots of things can aggravate old injuries/arthritis.

      If it were me, I’d sit him down and tell him this and say he needs to meet you halfway–it’s not possible to just up and move right away, and he should at least try to get some medical treatment before you can do anything else.

    3. Rebecca*

      Emma, your post made me sad. I think there might be more to this than your spouse just not liking the climate. You’re carrying the whole load yourself, and your spouse doesn’t seem interested in helping you or himself. Perhaps some sort of counseling to get to the bottom of this?

    4. fposte*

      It sounds like spouse is plain unhappy and would be wherever you were, and that he’s finding it emotionally easier to make that your fault. It also sounds like Spouse Doesn’t Like It has ruled a lot of decisions–it’s nuts that you don’t have a cleaner. Has couples counseling been raised? Because if spouse balks at that too, that’s a really bad sign.

      A friend of mine went through some serious marriage difficulties with a long-term spouse about chronic illness. She finally said look, I can support you, but I can’t be your main support; you have to take action to manage this for our marriage. I think part of that conversation also was that Spouse Doesn’t Like It wasn’t sufficient to negate something that had benefits for her or for the household, and that her doing well didn’t mean she lost entitlement in her own home.

      1. fposte*

        BTW, I was thinking of the sage philosopher Ricky Nelson, and I’d adapt his words: “Can’t please him, so you just gotta please yourself.”

    5. Not So NewReader*

      It’s kind of jarring to me that he is not thinking about who will pay the bills if you quit your job. Tell him that one of you has to keep an income going on period.
      Five years is a very long time to wait for someone to sort themselves out and get back to work. And he won’t go get help with his problem….this makes matter worse.

      This reminds me of a couple I know. He did and said the same stuff. Too cold, aches and pains, etc very similar to what you say here. So Wife let him go live where ever during the winter. It was years and years finally he got some help by then the damage was so big that there was not a lot anyone could do. Wife never left her job or her home.
      While she loves the guy, she knows that she has to have a plan because he is not going to build a plan with her. She remains a fairly happy person because she knows she has a road mapped out for herself and she lets him just go at his own (slower than a snail’s) pace. They have been doing this for almost 2 decades. He never did get work. And he has had one medical thing after another all this time. In my opinion he has grown verbally abusive also. But that is my opinion.

      So of course he is trying to make you feel guilty, because that is the only tool he has to motivate you. You make all the money, you take care of the entire house, what else is there to threaten you with? Nothing. Tell him that it makes no sense for both of you to be NOT working. One of you has to work. Remind him that you both have the habit of eating food and that living in your car during the winter because you cannot afford rent will be VERY cold.
      I think I would push the envelope a bit on this one. Tell him that he can go ahead pick out a place and a job. He can get a modest apartment with the salary he earns. You two can see each other on weekends and stay in touch during the week by phone/email/text.
      As far as the cold winters, he knew that when you guys moved into the place. He refuses medical help that might help him to feel better during the cold season. He has had five years to figure out a game plan for how he will handle this. You can only help so much and that is it. After that he MUST help himself.

      Really, don’t fall for the guilt trips. You are looking at this in a level headed and responsible manner. Stand pat here. He should feel guilty putting so much on you.

    6. Aphrodite*

      For me, the situation you are facing would be unworkable. Your spouse apparently doesn’t want to do anything to change it for the better but instead thinks the one and only solution is for your to quit your job so he can move? Even if you did that, you and he would still have the same problems. He won’t get a job, won’t do half the housework, won’t like the climate (will it be too hot instead of cold?). won’t get medical help, etc. etc. etc. The only thing different will be that you won’t have a job.

      I’d divorce him. It will be much simpler for both of us.

    7. BRR*

      Assuming you like where you live, you’re not being selfish. And even if you don’t like where you live you’re still not being selfish. How do you deal with this guilt? By not feeling guilty when you’re doing everything. Unless there’s more to this, this isnt fair to you.

    8. Jean (just Jean)*

      Emma,
      There’s another response to you below from LuckySophia, who had nesting problems when she tried to reply to you. It’s almost directly below this sub-thread. The only conversation in between is the update from I Am Still Furious!!

      Hmm. The wheels in my head are turning. It might be a useful coincidence that this weekend’s open thread has possibly similarly-themed posts from you, from I Am Still Furious!! from SoVeryAnonForThis. (Not 100% sure of this poster’s name but you can get there by searching for “pathological liar.”) I hope I’m wrong about this, and I’m surely not trying to create trouble where it does not exist, or offer the nuclear option when a flyswatter would do quite nicely, but… are your finances safeguarded for your own future, with or without your current spouse? If not, I suggest taking steps to secure them from being diverted or drained away without your knowledge or consent. Take similar precautions if you don’t want your spouse making your medical decisions if you become unable to express your preferences.

      (I am neither a lawyer nor knowledgable about the implications of living in a U.S. state or other country with specific laws about common property, spousal responsibility, or any other legal concept that I’m currently describing badly.)

      If your spouse is genuinely kind, loving, and supportive of you–even at times when he feels lousy himself (and even if he’s unable to say anything except “I’m so glad that we’re together and I”m so sorry I”m such bad company today / this weekend / this month, etc”)–well, that is good news. Otherwise I’m left with my memories of the advice of the long-ago columnist Ann Landers: Make a list of the good and the bad parts about remaining within a marriage that contains your particular stress points versus walking through upheaval to build a life that’s happier, calmer, less annoying and/or otherwise less distressing.

    9. Stellaaaaa*

      His suggestion to move isn’t a compromise. It’s a demand, and an unreasonable one at that. It’s not a compromise unless he’s giving a little bit too. He’s not even trying medical treatment or vacuuming. It’s definitely not an ultimatum, since it’s not like he has anywhere to go unless you go with him (and bankroll it). He doesn’t get any say in where you pay for the two of you to live.

    10. MindoverMoneyChick*

      Sounds like you have some up with some great ideas as compromises. And at least the way the letter is written he’s not contributing much at all. I mean, if you are not really attached to where you live now you could look for a job that you would like and that pays well in another area. But to just quit and move sound irresponsible. Right now it sounds less like you are putting you career ahead of him and more that you are prioritizing being able to put food on the table and a roof over both of you heads, over his preferences.

      Here’s another compromise option for him. Maybe put the onus on him to find a job where he wants to live that will pay the bills and then you move there.

    11. Not Alison*

      Please do not feel guilt. If your spouse were to get a job that would support you both in a location where it would support spouse’s health, then you could consider the issue of guilt if you would prefer to not move. In the meantime, while the salary from your job is what is keeping you and your spouse with food, shelter, clothing etc., then you have NO responsibilities to do anything else to accommodate someone who will not meet your suggestions half-way.

    12. Jane Doe*

      This is going to sound unkind, but your husband sounds like a mooch, has some nerve to complain and kind comes across as pathetic. 5 Years of not working and having the audacity to complain? If he;s so set on moving, why doesn’t he first find a good job ( none of this temporary stuff that he will quit as soon as you start working again at the new place) in a warmer climate and then you can look for a job there and maybe eventually move.
      I think you need to wake up and realize how you’re being taken advantage of. And he doesn’t want someone in the house to help with cleaning ?! Then he should do it. I suggest you talk to maybe a psychologist only because it is so clear that you’re completely blind sided and shouldn’t feel any guilt about not moving. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gas lit you over the years. Your post makes me really sad.

    13. Rusty Shackelford*

      If I were in your shoes, I’d tell him that he can get a job in a warmer climate that makes as much as you get paid here, and you will happily follow him there and let him have his turn at being the sole breadwinner. So no, comparatively, you are not selfish at all.

  106. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Hi everyone, very busy this weekend, I’ve been going through stuff at my parent’s house, cleaned my old room, got a bed set up in there, grabbed some sheets at the thrift store (Mom didn’t have enough and I only had twin sheets), got more stuff moved from the upstairs to downstairs at my old house, and whew, I’m tired! If it would only stop raining I could get my clothes moved from my friend’s house to my childhood home.

    Had a bit of a crying breakdown today. I felt so overwhelmed, alone, lonely, sad, tired, aching, sore, just a bunch of stuff hit me, realizing again I’m moving back to my childhood room and I’m 55 years old, with very little to show for myself. I have to remind myself, this is a temporary setback, I can help my Mom, who is almost 83 and alone after Dad died last year, etc. I’m also having trouble with anxiety issues, but recognizing I have the problem and trying to deal with it the best I can. I hope to start seeing a therapist at some point, but I have to navigate my insurance, see what I can afford, etc.

    So that’s my update – at least no more contact from STBEXH for over 2 weeks now. He must not have done his mail forwarding thing right, as mail is still coming to the house for him. I would not want to be in his shoes. He has multiple collection agencies after him at this point. Not. My. Problem.

    1. Anonymosity*

      Of course it’s temporary. I don’t know that I’d be so organized if this were me. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about a damn garage sale, and I don’t have half of what you’ve got going on.

      You’re doing fine. *HUG*

    2. LuckySophia*

      To “Still Furious”: Hugs to you and sincere congratulations for ALL that you have achieved in recent months! It’s probably not surprising that the emotional aftereffects are catching up with you now — now that the worst is over and you have room to breathe. Just know that I (and I think many others here in the AAM community) admire and respect how much courage and fortitude you have. It got you through the recent months of trial, and it will serve you well as you forge ahead. I’m cheering for you!

    3. Woodswoman*

      I’ve been thinking about you and hoping for an update. I’m so glad you posted about how you’re doing.

      It makes sense that you’re upset–your divorce is messy and of course your feelings are all over the place, and grieving and loneliness are all part of that. Despite how tough your journey is, you continue to be impressive in how you’re navigating it.

      Isn’t your Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband officially your ex-husband now? That’s an accomplishment, and having two weeks without him pestering you is good news and the start of your new life determining your own future. I hope you’ve disentangled from your joint bank account now as well.

      Seeing a therapist sounds like a great idea. You are taking great care of yourself. The AAM community is cheering for you.

    4. Blue Eagle*

      Just want you to know that the only reason I went on this site today is that I didn’t see your update yesterday and hoped that you would write something today.

      So sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed, please know that every week I am sending positive energy to you to get through this. Yes, it is tough to have these setbacks when you are over 50, but please know that we in the commentariat have all been pulling for you over the past year and have been hoping for a positive outcome for you.

      You can do this! You can get through all the crap of cleaning out the house, selling it, moving in with your mom, and you can still THRIVE!

      Sending you positive energy, hugs and love!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Kind of an off topic or perhaps tangent response here.

      An elderly couple lived next door to me when I was growing up. After the husband passed, their daughter split with her hubby and moved in with the mother. Oddly mom and daughter were about the same ages as you show here.
      While they had their own full set of problems they became my oasis in life. Growing up was NOT fun for me. They would visit with me and talk about life things. I was in my late teens so I lifted heavy objects for them as needed. They gave me odd little jobs and paid me small amounts of money. That money became the only money I had. I used it to pay for things I needed and would not get otherwise. If I got interested in something they followed along and showed interest. They bought huge beef bones for my dog. While no gesture was that big a deal, the steady stream of small gestures worked into a big deal.

      Looking back on it, it seemed like they were saving me. But perhaps I was saving them too. They could not bring back the deceased father, or the absent son-in-law. They could not get their health issues totally under control. But they COULD help me.
      We all went our own ways eventually. I never got to tell them how much they helped me. As a 50 year old I can now see what it meant to have a young person hang out and do little tasks. I can also see that I provided distraction.
      I think my point is that moving in with your mom is not the end, rather it’s an opening to a new chapter in life. We don’t know all the things the next chapter will bring. We don’t know how many different ways we will add meaning to people’s lives and they will add meaning to our lives. Yep, you do need to grieve, you have had a tremendous amount of sadness. But not everything that happens next will be sad. There will be good moments. I’d like to encourage you to keep looking around, you can still touch other people’s lives and you can allow them to touch your life. It ain’t over, you’re just starting a new chapter.

    7. Rusty Shackelford*

      I’m 55 years old, with very little to show for myself

      You’ve spent quite a bit of time recognizing that someone threw you down a well, and pulling yourself out of that well. So don’t compare yourself to where you would have been if you’d spent all that time above ground.

  107. LuckySophia*

    OOOOh, boy…From my perspective, you are already (and have been for years) FAR EXCEEDING your “obligations” to your spouse. I assume, because he IS your spouse, he must have redeeming qualities for which you love him. But from the facts you presented, it seems his selfishness/entitledness is eclipsing any/all “redeeming qualities” he may have (once) had.

    You are the one doing all the labor in this relationship: financially, physically/domestically, and emotionally. Is he contributing ANYTHING to your household, your emotional security, your future security ?? It seems not. (I may be wrong, of course. But his refusal to even seek medical help for his own pain suggests to me that he has completely abdicated ALL his responsibilities to his role as your partner-in-life.) So no, DO NOT quit your wonderful job that holds such promise of rewarding the investment you make in it. Conversely, please look seriously at the extent to which your spouse REFUSES to offer you any reward, either financial or domestic help or appreciation !!!) for the extensive investment you’ve made in him/your marriage/your household. You do not deserve to feel ANY guilt over your need to retain your successful career which, by the way, is supporting his lazy ass. So the correct answer to him is: “NO, spouse, I am not quitting my job that puts a roof over our heads. If you don’t like this roof, make other arrangements for yourself since you have rejected all my suggestions to date. Punto finale. End of discussion. This is my final word. Don’t ask me about it ever, ever, ever again.”

    As he seems to be a person who will do absolutely nothing to help himself, I don’t think he actually will ever take the responsibility to obtain employment and relocate himself somewhere warmer. AND IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN FOR HIM. Though, in my opinion, your life would be a lot easier if he did move somewhere. Because he does not seem to want a loving spouse, just a “caretaker” who will enable him to remain in “big helpless baby” mode. (I’m sorry if my words are coming across as rude, but I can’t get over the fact that he is presumably well-educated enough to know better than to behave like that to someone who is as loving and giving as you appear to be.)

  108. Nervous Accountant*

    Today was a good day. Thank you everyone for yesterday’s (and everyday really) comments & support.

    We took my mom to the mall then had lunch. I got to do a little retail therapy and she got what she wanted.
    -got myself some new makeup goodies
    -I didn’t stress eat. Made myself a nice ribeye steak.
    -Planned my week out in terms of clothing, meals and makeup. I spend hours on the weekend planning these things but I find that less stressful than winging it
    -made a keto bread that tastes too eggy but meh.
    -still bummed work bff is out on vacation but we texted for a few minutes today so that was nice.
    -no fighting or griping at each other

    Here’s hoping for a better week.

    2. Merci Dee*

      That’s all you can do, honey – put the mistakes and misunderstandings of the past behind you, and look forward to better days. Sounds like you had a good day, and I hope you have lots more this week.

  109. LGC*

    First of all – sorry for not replying to the other thread I posted last weekend! (I…really need to learn how to relax. In ways that don’t involve falling into my bed and passing out.) Basically – it was me asking about how to approach feeling a little talked down to with my running club sometimes.

    Thanks, guys, for your really thoughtful responses – and for helping me to approach the situation from a different perspective. Especially what fposte and Not So NewReader said about roles – our group really tends to fall into “assigned” roles at times! And for whatever reason, my “default” has become “spaced out and kind of ditzy” – partly because I’m still figuring out things, and I’ve noticed that when I don’t feel confident about things or something is unfamiliar I tend to blank out a bit (if you see me, my eyes might be blank but my mind is racing). I’m not an exceptionally fast thinker naturally – I need to develop “scripts” to handle things.

    I think another part of it is…probably the person most “responsible” is generally the “protector” type – which is funny because I’ve fallen into that role with some of my other friends who don’t have their act together as much. So I think that part of my awkwardness is that I can kind of see it from both sides – I can understand the impulse to care and to make sure that your friend is Not Messing Up (especially when they have Messed Up), but it also makes it feel a bit like a parent/child relationship. And also, the more I thought about it…I kind of realized that it’s also the way he is in general, and I don’t want to put the effort in to changing that overnight.

    So…I think, as much as I hate to admit it to myself, I’ve probably earned my own reputation somewhat! Also, I need to probably relax a bit. And part of the reason I’m focusing on myself is because…like, that’s the one thing I have direct control over.

    And…maybe I should also explain, “hey, dudes, I am just super spacey because I’m having five billion thoughts at once, just treat me as normal!”

    And again – thanks for the kind words! They really did mean a lot, and part of the reason I took so long to respond was that I really wanted to say something meaningful in response. (It’s a terrible habit of mine on posts. If I don’t reply, it’s often because I’m spending forever agonizing over the perfect response! Partly because I have gotten myself in tons of trouble by not thinking through responses enough.)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I gravitate toward the analogy of student/teacher rather than parent/child relationships. However I do believe there is an overarching point: If we are living life correctly we go back and forth between the student/teacher roles. This means one minute we are the student and the next minute we are the teacher.

      This is actually a pretty normal thing. My suggestion is to not let the role-switching throw you. And you can start to gain ground here by deciding you are a perpetual student of life who randomly is able to help people with what you have learned so far. I framed it as “I am a sponge. I soak up the best of the best ideas around me and apply them to my own life.” I almost never meet anyone who is not able to teach me something. This includes the 90 year olds, the people with IQs of 70 or less, and my pets. All these beings in my life have showed me something at some point. I can honestly say, where I am in life and the way my life has played out is a tribute to the good people around me.

      Decide that you are going to be the world’s best sponge. You are going to soak up the best everyone has to offer and adopt it as your own.

  110. Formerly Known As*

    OMG, I love that we got a video from Olive! And I’m sorry I don’t know the other cat’s name, but I love the surprise twist of that cat hanging out in the tub.

    More cat videos, please!

  111. Going Underground*

    Going anon for this query, as it contains info that could hinder my anonymity!

    Does anyone have any ideas for villa holiday destinations which don’t cost thousands of pounds/dollars a week?

    We live in the UK, and for the past 10 years we’ve mainly holidayed in the US, very often in the Orlando area. We’ve more recently begun staying in villas with a private pool, which are incredibly cheap as they are so plentiful in that area (last time we paid £500 per week for a 4 bed villa with a huge private pool).

    We don’t really go to the theme parks etc any more as we’ve done them so many times, so it is essentially a really long flight to sit around a pool for two weeks.

    We have looked at renting a villa in Europe – shorter flight – but the prices are so much higher (around £2000 per week for a comparable villa), that we always ended up going back to Orlando.

    We were just looking online, but Europe is so expensive, and we don’t have any idea of where else in the world to look.

    We need to go in late July or August, somewhere warm and sunny, and would like to rent a house with a private pool – we just don’t want to stay in hotels any more, and my husband likes walking around outside in his underpants ;). We would stay for 14 nights.

    Can anyone recommend any locations that may fit the bill? We are open to flying to the US or Canada, but don’t really know any other areas other than Florida.

    We’d ideally like somewhere where there’s stuff to do locally, if we fancy day trips out – theme parks, outlet malls, historical areas etc.

    Thanks in advance for any suggestions!

    1. Sarah G*

      (Oops, I accidentally posted this as a separate comment, meant it to be a reply.)
      Not sure about prices, but I’ve always wanted to visit Savannah, Georgia — it’s historic and beautiful. Or maybe the Charleston area (North Carolina), except for Hilton Head which is a resort so would be pricey. Plus then you’re visiting the (cultural) South, which will be an interesting contrast to FL. Also, a bit longer flight, but if you are interested in cities you could fly into Chicago, check out the city, then a house on Lake Michigan near the Indiana Dunes (you would also probably want to rent a car to get there). Indiana Dunes National Seashore is beautiful and underrated, and Lake Michigan is amazing, especially if you haven’t seen any of the Great Lakes.
      All the midwest is hot and humid in July and Aug — that time of year, you don’t have to go to FL for hot weather!

      1. Going Underground*

        Thanks Sarah, I shall go and have a look at all your recommendations – much appreciated. Lakes are a particular fave of mine so Lake Michigan sounds very interesting.

        1. Annie Moose*

          I live in Michigan and always am trying to get people to come visit the lakes! They’re beautiful and not generally as busy as Florida or the East Coast, depending on how far north you go. (the farther north, the fewer people… and the more beautiful the beaches!)

          Chicago is also a great city and very fun to visit.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        One small point (well, not so small): Charleston and Hilton Head are in South Carolina, not north. I don’t want to send GU on a strange Google goose chase!

    2. Formerly Known As*

      Charleston, South Carolina

      Savannah, Georgia. Tybee Island, Georgia is nearby.

      Jekyll Island, Georgia or St. Simons Island, Georgia

      I’ve never been to Michigan, but I hear the lakes are nice.

      What about somewhere in New England, like Maine or Boston? Not sure how many places there would have pools, though.

      Are you open to mountains? We have a lot of nice mountain towns–Tennessee, North Carolina, etc. Perhaps Highlands, North Carolina or Blowing Rock, North Carolina.

      Have fun! Let us know where you decide.

      1. Going Underground*

        Thank you for lots of ideas for me to look into.

        New England is somewhere we thought of going in the fall, it looks so pretty.

        I am open to mountains, not sure about husband though… he has a very hard manual job, so wants to spend his holiday resting as much as possible – he hates walking!

        Thanks again for so many ideas, I shall hop on Google and have a look.

  112. Sarah G*

    Not sure about prices, but I’ve always wanted to visit Savannah, Georgia — it’s historic and beautiful. Or maybe the Charleston area (North Carolina), except for Hilton Head which is a resort so would be pricey. Plus then you’re visiting the (cultural) South, which will be an interesting contrast to FL. Also, a bit longer flight, but if you are interested in cities you could fly into Chicago, check out the city, then a house on Lake Michigan near the Indiana Dunes (you would also probably want to rent a car to get there). Indiana Dunes National Seashore is beautiful and underrated, and Lake Michigan is amazing, especially if you haven’t seen any of the Great Lakes.
    All the midwest is hot and humid in July and Aug — that time of year, you don’t have to go to FL for hot weather!

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