weekend free-for-all – February 23-24, 2019

by Alison Green on February 23, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Banker’s Wife, by Cristina Alger. A banker’s plane goes down under suspicious circumstances on its way to Geneva, and his wife is left trying unravel what happened. You will stay up late reading this.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,267 comments… read them below }

  1. Saturday Wonderings*

    I want to discuss the dreaded ‘did I not get invited to this wedding or did an invitation go missing’ question. For reference, I am a girl and all my friends I’m referencing are also girls.

    I’m in the post-college age where many friends are getting married; there has been a wedding or two every year for at least four years running now. I don’t usually get hung up on whether I’m invited to a wedding, especially of a college friend who I don’t see all the time. The last two weddings were for people I see once every few months and I was surprised/touched to receive an invite. I was talking with college friends I do see on the regular about upcoming weddings. Two who hadn’t been invited to the last two weddings expressed hurt at the lack of invite. One said she’d reached out to one of the brides on Facebook to ask if her invitation had gone astray but never heard back. I tried to soothe them with ‘the venues were small and the guest list quite shrunk’ but I’m not sure it helped. It’s not my battle, it’s between them and the bride, but I felt bad.

    As I said, I don’t usually get hung on a whether I’m invited to a wedding or not but… now I am. I was visiting a friend and noticed a save the date card on her fridge. It’s for an old high school friend of the both us. What’s unique about this is that I know myself and my invited friend had lost touch with the bride for a number of years and only recently saw regained contact at the same time last year (a death in the bride’s family). My invited friend and I both talked about how sad it was to be reunited with her over these trying times, so I know our amount of contact was roughly the same. It was a few months after that the bride announced her engagement on Facebook, and I was happy for her but not expecting an invitation because, despite my being there for her in the difficult time, we weren’t super close anymore as we’d been years ago.

    But now, seeing my invited friend who had a similar staying in-touch experience with the bride, now I am a little hurt. And my first thought was ‘maybe mine got lost in the mail; I’ve moved since we last saw each other, maybe she doesn’t have my new address’ but then she would have reached out to me on social to double check my address. My invited friend said she’d take me as her plus-one if she doesn’t have a date but that feels rude; if the bride wanted me there, she would have invited me. I’m tempted to do what my one friend did and ask the bride of Facebook but that feels… manipulative? It feels like not the right solution.

    Honestly, though I’m a little sad right now, it’s not the end of the world. I won’t harbor a deep grudge against the bride or anything like that, only a wonder or a question. So I guess my question is more of a reality check: is there any circumstance where it’s appropriate to ask if an invite is incoming or do I need to get over it?

    1. Lena Clare*

      No don’t ask if you have an invite coming, that isn’t appropriate and would put the bride in an awkward position! Sorry, but this is just one of those things that you have to accept. You don’t really know for sure if your mutual friend had more contact with the bride after you all reconnected, or it could be simply that the bride gets on more with your friend than with you…but she gets to invite who she wants and if the invite is lost she will chase it up to find out what your RSVP is and if she doesn’t then there wasn’t an invite.

      1. Saturday Wonderings*

        Yeah, that’s what I’m leaning towards; I think I just needed a reality check.

        When my one friend said she’d asked the bride, I thought that not a great choice, so I was surprised when it floated through my own head when I was in a similar situation.

        Thank you!

        2. CJ*

          Is she doesn’t have your address, shell ask you for it through Facebook or whatever. If the save-the-date card got lost in the mail despite a correct address, you should still get the invitation. I’d wait till then and see what happens. It’s not anything you can ask her about without it being awkward, IMO.

          1. CJ*

            Also, you said you wouldn’t hold a deep grudge. Please don’t have hold any grudge at all.

            We still have people upset with us because we didn’t invite them to our wedding over 26 years ago. We only had 30 people at our wedding – parents, the one sibling and her family, the one living grandparent, and each of us invited our best friend who stood up for us, and the BFs SOs.

            A co-worker was like, “well another one of your high school friends was there, not just your best friend”. That friend was married to my husband’s best friend who was the best man.

            People got to get over, and get a life. The invite list has to end somewhere.

        3. catwoman2965*

          I’m older than you are, but I had a similar situation a few years back. I have a group of friends, and one who is not as close as some of the others, as in we don’t call each other directly etc. to make plans, but will be at the same gatherings and so on.

          When she got married, I was invited to both the shower and wedding, as were my other friends, and her baby shower, again, as were my other friends, who are a bit closer to her. But they were invited to her son’s christening, and I was not. I actually wasn’t too upset about it, for various reasons, but still kind of wondered why, since I HAD been invited to all her other “life events”

          Sometimes it just happens. Did my invite get lost in the mail? Maybe, but i’d like to think she would have contacted me when I didn’t RSVP. Was it an oversight? maybe. Or did she make the choice not to invite me? again, who knows.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        It can simply be another connection in the family– bride knows that friend gets along with GreatAunt Intimidatious (a.k.a. she who must be invited).

        1. the corner ficus*

          Yes, this so much!!! I would have invited my friend Erin to my wedding regardlss (she was one of my bridesmaids) but I will fully admit that I loved having her there because she has this uncanny ability to talk kindly to horrible people. She acted as a buffer between me and my husband’s grandmother in a way I will never stop appreciating.

    2. Overeducated*

      It’s not ok to ask, if the invite got lost in the mail the bride will follow up because your RSVP will be missing. But it is ok to be sad.

      One thing I’ve realized, in being past the age of most of my friends’ first weddings, is that it really is just one day. It hurts now, but what will make the difference in your friendships long term is whether you keep making the effort. This isn’t a permanent verdict on your friendship, ten years from now what will matter id who kept in touch the decade AFTER thr wedding. This doesn’t help now, i know, but just have hope that there will be a later.

      1. Saturday Wonderings*

        Thank you, I really appreciate this comment. I think you’re exactly right about it being one day. In one wedding I was a bridesmaid for, the event was a bit crazy and the bride was so overwhelmed, to the point that myself and the other bridesmaid had to strip her out of her wedding dress and wrapped her in blankets by a fire because she was shaking so bad. She remembers the ceremony in perfect detail because that was calm but the reception is a haze because she was tired and overwhelmed so she honestly didn’t care whose was there.

        You’re completely right; I’ll be a little upset for now but I’d rather work on improving my relationship because I want to be friends with this person, not awkwardly ask why I wasn’t invited to her wedding and feel like I’m bullying an invitation out of her.

        2. PhyllisB*

          This is late, but hope you read this. I understand how you feel. My grand-son’s dad was getting married, (he and my daughter never married, but we all get along very well, and I’m crazy about his wife!!) He told us we were getting an invitation to the wedding….and we didn’t.
          To be certain there wasn’t a mistake, I called his mother when it was getting close to be certain because we would have had to make hotel reservations, ect. She and I are friends and I knew she wouldn’t mind and would be straight with me. She told me she thought they just had to decide to cut some names because their guest list ended up with over 200 people!! That was fine, at least I knew somebody wasn’t worrying about where our RSVP was. Was I disappointed? A little, but I certainly understood.

    3. Amy*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I would be hurt too. But I agree with the others that you shouldn’t ask the bride about your invitation. If somehow it was lost in the mail she’ll contact you when RSVPs are due and she hasn’t received yours. But I think this is an unlikely scenario.

      When I was getting married in my 20’s I was on the other side of this situation, in that we did not invite extended family and had one of them contact my dad about why she was not invited. She was an older lady, a distant cousin once removed who I had seen only a handful of times in my life that I could remember. However, it became a Big Deal and was horribly awkward and uncomfortable for me and my fiance. We ended up just inviting her late to stop the drama, she came, all was well, but I still don’t look at her the same way.

      1. Snazzy Hat*

        Wow. And I thought my awkward “these family members are huge jerks, but we have to invite them because they’re petty” followed by them getting upset for not being invited even though they were invited was loaded with drama! Before mailing, we actually considered hand-delivering the invitation with a video recording, to prove that we gave them an invitation and they either accepted it or refused it.

        I’m guessing your distant cousin is from the Southern US. My mother insisted that we invite everyone on her side of the family because we just had to.

    4. Snazzy Hat*

      I had a group of friends in middle and high school. Looking back on the group, I was the (let’s be nice here) unambitious one. They took all advanced courses, I took a few. They went on to amazing tracks & careers like aerospace, medical, & Yale law; I went through multiple majors and got my B.A. after eight years, which earned me jobs that had nothing to do with my field. We had our own lives, but I thought we kept in touch through FB and whatnot.

      Anyway, out of the five of us, I married first and invited the other four, who all attended. Anne was a bridesmaid of mine, and years later she invited me to her wedding. I was okay when I didn’t get an invitation to Brigid’s wedding, since I was pretty sure it was a small event and an eight-hour drive away. Cindy’s lack of an invitation had me a little disappointed, even though the wedding was out-of-state, because I knew a lot of our mutual friends & old classmates were being invited. Diana’s decision to not invite me really upset me, because it was in our hometown — I was the only one who still lived there — and I didn’t even know she was engaged until I saw the wedding photos being posted by her and our friends. To make matters worse, her father & my father see each other more frequently, and they aren’t even that close.

      I actually talked to my counselor about this a few months ago — we were on the topic of friendship and feeling like a jerk when I don’t want to hang out with people I see every week or two — and she basically replied that it’s normal to have friendships part ways or to not be as strong as they used to be, especially when I have other friends with whom I can have a long absence but keep a strong connection. Your comment of “we weren’t super close anymore as we’d been years ago” is a great reality check in itself. It sucks, but in the end it’s okay.

    5. Karen from Finance*

      I agree you shouldn’t ask, and I empathize with the situation as well. I’ve been in a similar situation before and it’s not nice.

    6. MatKnifeNinja*

      Friendships change and die. It happens. Life gets busy. People get new jobs, new interests and “outgrow” friendships.

      You think it’s bad now, wait until the babies start coming, and kid travel sports weekend.

      Sometimes YOU value the relationship more than the other person.

      I would not ever ask. Weddings are weird beast. In my family a decent gaggle of BFFs are rarely invited because family (huge) and business relations get invited. There is no way 8 friends plus 1+ would be invited. Those spots go to others.

      Don’t fire up the crazy train. It maybe totally out of the bride’s control or you’ll find out soon enough if you went from BFF to *meh*.

      Life can really stink sometimes. Would you feel better with a pity invite? I wouldn’t. No fun getting a pity invite and dumped at table #9.

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        A suggestion. The New York Times online has an article, “When Weddings Ruin Friendships”. It was published 2/6/2019. It talks about all the things you are going through with your friends.

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      First of all, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’ve had similar things happen to me, and this is currently happening to a friend of my husband’s over a mutual friend’s wedding, so I know how horrible it is.

      I agree with those saying not to say anything. If your invite did get lost in the post, the bride should follow up if she doesn’t hear from you when she expects to. Speaking from experience, it’s often an incredibly hard decision who to invite and sometimes you do have to say no due to space/budget etc, even though it sucks for both sides in that scenario. But ultimately it’s the couple’s decision, and as Overeducated wisely says it is just one day in the grand scheme of things – the important thing is what happens after the wedding.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      General life tip: never ask a question if you aren’t willing to hear a true answer. Would you want the bride to have to say out loud, “Actually no, we didn’t invite you.” Would it be better to know she decided not to invite you, or that it never crossed her mind?

      Neither, right? Those would both be horrible to hear, and a crappy thing to put on someone you apparently like!

      I know it stinks to feel left out. But on a purely practical level, you aren’t close with the bride and haven’t been for years. You never expected an invitation, because you don’t consider her a close friend.

      The fact that another mutual friend got invited doesn’t change anything about the reality of your situation.

      Mourning a loss is weird and unpredictable. Maybe the invitee said or did something around the funeral, or in the time afterward, that was very touching or meaningful to the bride. Or that hit her on a day when she was sensitive to it, while your condolences maybe didn’t register in quite the same way. Not because you did anything wrong or less sincere, but just in the idiosyncrasies of personal grief.

      Or maybe the bride is one of those who scattershots save-the-dates and then doesn’t send actual invites to everyone.

      But ultimately, it boils down to the truth that friendship is not a competitive sport, and the exact degree of closeness between two people who are not you, is really none of your beeswax.

      Try, if you can, to pretend you never saw the SavetheDate im the first place. It’s not a commentary on your youth, nor on your value as a friend or a person.

      It has nothing to do with you at all.

    9. Sara(h)*

      “It was a few months after that the bride announced her engagement on Facebook, and I was happy for her but not expecting an invitation because, despite my being there for her in the difficult time, we weren’t super close anymore as we’d been years ago.”
      This is the key — you didn’t expect to be invited! It wasn’t until you learned that your mutual friend was invited that your feelings got hurt. I get it, and I’m sure I would have a wince of hurt myself, but the then I would remind myself it’s no big deal, that we’re not close, it’s nothing personal, etc. You could drive yourself crazy trying to pick apart the reasons. Perhaps Bride just feels a deeper connection with the mutual friend, and that’s okay!
      And speaking of it being nothing personal, if your friend invites you as her +1, you should go if you want, if you can enjoy being a part of the occasion to celebrate your friend’s happy day without any resentment. It’s not like the bride dislikes you and would be unhappy to have you there. Like most weddings, she probably had to limit the number of guests and draw the line somewhere. Putting myself in Bride’s shoes, if an invited friend brought another non-invited friend to my wedding, I would be pleased to see them and wouldn’t think twice about it. Besides, it’s her big day, she’ll likely have too much going on to even really notice let alone give it any thought.

    10. Thea*

      I was once in a similar situation. I wasn’t really close to the couple getting married, but all of our mutual friends got an invite, and I didn’t. I was a little bit hurt, and a little bit confused, but didn’t reach out because I figured it was really up to them who they wanted to invite.

      The day after the wedding, a friend called me and said that my name had been on the seating chart. My invite had apparently really gotten lost… Oups?

        1. Thea*

          Unless they have the wrong address, which was probably the case with my missing invite. But honestly, even though I had a wedding invite go missing, I still wouldn’t ask about an missing invite. There are all sort of reasons why you can’t invite everyone to a wedding, and it’s not that easy to set the guest list. It’s up to the bride and groom to check if the invite arrived if they don’t get an RSVP.

          1. Jasnah*

            Yeah that’s really on the bride and groom to follow up if they only get radio silence after sending you an invite. That’s really weird that they sent both, heard nothing, and assumed you were coming without attempting to contact you by phone/email/social media….

    11. MissDisplaced*

      I think with these sorts of things is don’t take it personal. There could be so many reasons why you weren’t invited, and probably nothing that’s ill-intentioned.
      If you miss her friendship, why not send her a wedding card post-wedding date wishing the happy couple well.

    13. WoodswomanWrites*

      Friendships flow and wane, and you can’t predict how things will go. An additional factor for many couples is that they can’t afford to invite everyone they’d like to have there.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Hit send too soon. I recently officiated a wedding for a friend who’s part of a circle of people that all used to work together. We are still in touch to various degrees. In this case, our friend invited just me and one other former colleague and her husband, largely because they had a pretty small wedding and couldn’t afford to invite more people.

    14. MommyMD*

      Assume you are not invited and do not ask the bride. Between save the date, the shower and the wedding, you will surely know if you are invited. All three will not be lost in the mail. Bride may feel closer to other friend. Just put it out of your mind. Also don’t go as a plus one.

    15. ..Kat..*

      Don’t ask. But, you can send an email saying “I heard from mutual-friend that you are getting married. Congratulations! I am so happy for you!” If she sent you an invite, she will realize that you did not get it. If she did not send you an invite, you a wonderful, non-pushy friend who is not stressing her out.

      And you are right – don’t take it personally. Perhaps she could send one last invite, and your mutual friend had talked with her more recently than you did. Perhaps mutual friend wore a blue dress the last time the bride talked with her – and the bride’s favorite color is blue.

      Think of the money that you are saving! Attending weddings is a huge expense for people in your age bracket. Use some of that money to treat yourself instead.

      1. Doc in a Box*

        Wedding invitations can be subject to weird rules. I didn’t get an invitation to my own cousin’s wedding recently, which was hurtful — and then it turned out that my aunt and uncle assumed I was included in my parents’ invitation, like a bizarre “buy 2 get 1 free” deal. I am in my 30s and live in a different state from my parents, but I’m unmarried myself, so socially, my extended family treats me like an adolescent.

        1. Cafe au Lait*

          My brother did this for his wedding. “Of course cousins are invited. It says Name + Family!”

          It doesn’t work that way, Bro. If they’re paying for the majority of their expenses on their own they get their own invite.

        2. Bethany D*

          I was in my mid-20s & married with a baby when a cousin had a wedding – and until less than 24 hours beforehand I didn’t know that the wedding invitation sent to my parents was intended to include me/my family & all my grown siblings too! Later I regetted not attending, but in that moment I just felt too overwhelmed to try to make last-minute plans to attend.

    16. Indie*

      Be the friend who gives her the gift of not quizzing her about her guest list? For all you know your friend was drafted in as a spare buffer in an impossible seating chart situation. Or to make up a table.
      I don’t know any bride who hasn’t had this question and however gently put, it is always awkward and weird. My own good friend made what I thought were really weird choices of bridesmaid which excluded me; but by not asking, and by observing, I became her go-to support and became really grateful I was separate from the bridesmaids drama. I am still friends with people whose wedding I didnt get an invite to/didn’t invite to mine. Weddings really are meaningless in that sense.
      Invite her to brunch post-wedding and you’ll get more face time than you’d ever get at a wedding. Check in to see how she is actually doing. You will be far more of a support to a new marriage than a mere witness.
      If this is about your worth as a person? You’re worth spending the guest expenses on yourself. Worth spending the day on yourself. Enjoy that!

      1. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        Re: weird bridesmaid choices: I made those too. I went through crazy (debating whether narcissist mom and enabler dad should be invited) then figuring out who was mentally stubborn enough and had enough free time as bridesmaids to handle them both from start of engagement to day of marriage. I didn’t ask one friend I’d known the longest because she’d had her own family drama, plus was working 3 jobs (ie. One being graveyard shifts as a teapot mortician) and said every time we met previously that she had no free time to herself, and she brought her work phone and got pages during baby showers. So I invited her as a guest, and I think she had a wonderful time. And given I’d needed reinforcements from bridesmaids, my aunt, schoolfriend’s mom who’d known my mom 16 years, 3 female cousins, an aunt-in-law, and 2 wedding coordinators (1 manager and 1 assistant) I think I made the right choice for us all.

        1. Indie*

          Yeah bridesmaids are often just bouncers in the same way that guests are very often a bunch of social obligations.

    17. Loopy*

      So, I’m a bride who had a somewhat similar situation to this! I had a very close friend A who introduced me to friend B. Over the years I actually became closer to friend B and honestly just naturally kind of became more distant acquaintances with friend A even though we originally had been very very close years ago.

      Well I had a wedding the was 90-95% family. After family had been invited there was so little room in the venue space and budget that I just couldn’t have everyone I wanted. A LOT of people I wanted, truly wanted to invite and had every reason to expect an invite, did not get one. This was so hard for me to risk relationships but I had no choice. So yes, friend B got invited and friend A didn’t and it was incredibly hard for friend A. But I never ever meant to hurt her or rank the friendship. Had I had the space, I’d have been thrilled to have both.

      Please try not to see your friendship through the lens of a wedding. So many factors go into it that have nothing to do with the brides honest desire to invite you! I have true regrets about not being able invite people I wanted there from day one. I’d hate to have our relationship suffer for a choice I never wanted to make.

    18. LynnP*

      If you want to keep this friendship wait until the wedding is over to send a (small) gift and congratulations. It shows you value the relationship and aren’t salty about the wedding. I have done with with friends, children of friends, and my kids now do it. When I got married in the 1980s having 250+ was usual, the last weddings I’ve gone to have been much smaller.

      1. Olive Hornby*

        I’m not sure about sending a gift–to me, it risks reading a little passive-aggressive, even if the giver doesn’t intend it that way. Children of friends is a different situation–we received a few lovely small gifts (think a nice bottle of wine) from friends and colleagues of my in-laws who we didn’t know well enough to invite–but I’d have been a little weirded out if a school friend who wasn’t invited to the wedding sent a gift. (This may also vary regionally–we’re in the northeast US.) But I agree on the note.

        Re: asking the bride about a missing invitation, I’ve actually done this once, but the circumstances were really specific: 1) The bride had reached out to ask for our address 2) we were having a problem with our mail delivery and/or possible mail theft 3) the wedding was in another country, and it wasn’t financially feasible for us to wait for the actual invitation to make travel plans. We ended up responding to the bride’s email asking for our address with something terribly awkward like, “If you sent us something in the mail, we didn’t receive it, but if you didn’t, it’s totally okay, no hard feelings, etc.!” (In our case, she had indeed sent us a save the date that we never received, so she was able to tell us we were invited and let us know about travel stuff.) But I don’t advise doing this unless you have a very strong indication that you were meant to be invited.

    19. Kali*

      I always find it weird to see people classify friendships in terms of hours. The bride’s friendship with your invited friend is a totally different relationship to yours with the bride, and those relationships aren’t based on the literal time spent together. Maybe the bride just feels like she has something more in common with the invited friend, or there’s a specific memory they share that’s arbitrarily important to the bride. You’ll probably never know because you’re not in that relationship.

      I hope that’s not come out too harsh. I’ve seen a distant friend of mine go through the exact same struggle, right down to listing social events, and I’ve been wanting to spell that out to her for ages. All relationships are different, and you can’t know someone else’s friendship from the outside.

  2. Overeducated*

    Hi all! Has anyone here moved with small kids? How disruptive was it for them? We might have found a house to buy (!!!), but it’s on the other side of our metro area, closer to spouse’s job, so would mean completely uprooting our preschooler from friends and teachers who’ve been part of each other’s lives for years. And we expect spouse will get another new job in the next 2-4 years, which could change the commuting equation (but the current commute is truly brutal, 1.5-2.5 hours in car, and the move would cut that in half while adding 25 min to my commute).

    So I am really interested in hearing frim people who moved with preschool or elementary aged kids, and how hard it was on them. Also, things you wish you’d known or considered more before buyinf a home. My family is against giving opinions on major life decisions because of an extreme fear of butting in, so I turn to you, good people of AAM!

    1. I Am Groot*

      I think it’s better to go when they’re smaller than when they’re older. We moved from one city to another when I was in preschool-early elementary school and I found new friends really quickly. If it had happened a few years later, in middle school when I had more established friends, I don’t think I would have handled it as well.

      The possibility of having to move again in 2-4 years does make me paused because even young kids might not like the frequent moves but it can’t be helped if your spouse is in a field with frequent career changes.

      1. Overeducated*

        Yeah, that is what gives me pause too. We could keep renting throughout this job and wait to settle, but who knows if the next will be a “forever” job? I don’t even want to be in MY job in 3 years, but there is a lot of opportunity for me in my current city, which is not the case for spouse, whose only option was the term limited job with the extreme commute.

        1. Overeducated*

          I should also note my eagerness to settle down comes from having moved every two years for the last decade…I want that to be over, but it’s not necessarily the house that’s going to magically make that possible, you know?

      2. pcake*

        I guess I have a different take. We moved fairly frequently when I was a kid as my father’s changed jobs. I wasn’t the best at blending with other kids because even in kindergarten I was used to talking with adults about adult stuff, so it took me a while to find a way to get along with classmates. And each time I finally developed friends, we moved again. Honestly those moves formed me.

        I disagree that it’s better to move when kids are younger. I think when kids are younger, they’re still developing socially, and a feeling of security and being with the same school, teachers and friends, helps develop a feeling of security. You learn to create deeper friendships.

        That being said, the world isn’t perfect. If you can create a loving, secure family unit, that probably helps a lot in moves. The more secure you are in those moves, the more secure your kids will feel about them. Best of luck to you.

    2. Drew*

      Don’t have kids but I moved AS a smallish kid (9) and it worked out OK. My dad got a new job several states away in the spring and he and my mom decided not to move the family until the school year was over so my sib and I didn’t have to uproot right in the middle of the year. That made it a lot easier.

      In your case, can you reach out to the parents of your kids’ friends and set up some playdates after the move?

      1. Overeducated*

        Definitely, I was thinking about that! We’d also be slightly closer to family friends with kids who are scattered around the even-more-distant suburbs, though we don’t know anyone in the actual neighborbood.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        Similar thing happened to me as a kid – when I was six my dad got a job three hours’ drive away, but it was smack in the middle of my sister’s GCSE exam year and would have been really disruptive to move her to a new school. So he worked away in the week for a year until she’d taken her exams, and then we moved that summer. I think it helped because it gave us time to settle in to the new house/town without the added pressure of getting used to a new school and making friends etc (my mum was a teacher so moving in the summer also meant she could spend time with us before starting her new job), although I know my sister found it difficult because her friendships were much more established than mine.

        I agree the playdates are a good idea. I was put into a summer activity club two days a week when we moved, partly to get me out of the house but also to help me make new friends, and it definitely helped. The move also meant we lived a lot closer to my cousins, who I was quite close to anyway but reducing the distance between our houses by two hours meant we spent a lot more time together.

    4. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      Earlier is better than later. Moving teens is HARD and when you have teens that are in a good, supportive, not cliquey, backstabbing or cruel, not drug using or drinking every weekend friend group, you REALLY want to avoid screwing that up.

    5. CoffeeforLife*

      There was a similar question posted this month to Slate’s Care and Feeding. I moved often as a kid (9 times) and it taught me to be adaptable and flexible. You are only moving across town not to a whole new region or country. Do what is best for your family as a whole: moving means less commuting = more family time, less stress.

      I believe the needs of the adults are primary (yes, I know this is going to anger some but that is predicated on the children’s needs being met above the basic level e.g affection, being heard, etc. ) and you sometimes make tough decisions that your kids won’t love. I moved 4 times in HS (2 in my senior year). I didn’t love it, but it didn’t stunt me as an adult. Now kids have digital ways to stay connected – so they don’t have to lose friendships.

    6. Not All*

      I don’t have kids, but WAS the kid that moved. Several times in preschool that I don’t even remember & apparently didn’t have an issue with, summer of 3rd/4th grade, and junior high. (and an average of every 3 yrs since high school but that’s another story!) The only one I had an issue with was the jr high move & that really had more to do with going from a small city to an incredibly rural, insular town where I was quite literally the only person in my grade not at least second cousins with someone else. Graduating classes of less than 20 were normal. That was awful…but it was because the people there were heinous to “outsiders”, not because of the move itself.

      Your kids will be fine, especially if you can do it during the summer break when classes typically are broken up anyway.

    7. G*

      We moved with kids who were 6, 4, and almost 2. (Moved the summer between K and 1st for the oldest.)

      It was fine. Kids that young make new friends quickly. Thise kids are now 19, 17, and 14. The youngest barely remembers the “old house “; the oldest has vivid (fond) memories of kindergarten that he suspects are strengthened by it having been his only year at that school. None of them remember the move being difficult in any way.

      However, we haven’t moved since, so I don’t know if that changes things.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      FWIW, I was just less that 5 when we moved to a house my parents bought. I remember my dad walking with me all over the house and yard. “This is the attic, this is the basement, this will be your bedroom and this will be mine and your mother’s bedroom… these are the property lines..” I don’t remember if I had questions but I am sure if I did he answered me.
      It did not take long to do this little orientation and I just settled right in. Even now, decades later, I do think that walk around was very helpful.

    9. King Friday XIII*

      We moved when Prince Tuesday was three, similarly across the metro area. She didn’t change daycares until a few months later, since we’d previously had one near Queen Sara’s office, but she didn’t seem to have any problems making the switch. I think the only part of the process that really unnerved her was going back to the old, empty place when we were cleaning it, but we worked pretty hard to make sure her room was set up right away and she knew what was going on through the whole process.

    10. I don’t post often*

      We just moved with a three year old. Honestly she has taken it a lot better than me (we moved for husband’s job). But she does pick up on my moods if I’m starting to grow bitter. Daughter is very sensitive to that sort of thing, but I think that’s normal? Something we did that was helpful- walked around our yard and said goodbye to all the things, neighborhood animals, etc. Said goodbye to close friends explaining we wouldn’t see them as often. Then during the actual house closing and moving part she stayed with my parents. When she arrived at new house her room was set up with all her things. (The rest of the House was still a walking maze of boxes!). I encouraged a lot of talk and didn’t discourage any negative feelings. She did fine the first month and then suddenly broke into a tantrum one night of all the things she missed (and we were amazed at the many things she remembered). We are about four months in and she still mentions missing old house/ school/ teacher/church/ library and we encourage her to talk but also point out it’s ok to be happy and like our friends here at the same time. There is a Daniel tiger episode about a family that just moved in. Highlights magazine (high five for toddlers) has a couple of good moving stories. I found that prep was helpful and then having things be stable the first few weeks was helpful. One thing- my daughter potty trained about four months before the move. Then a month before, during the move and about a month after she would “have an accident” in the car seat…. on purpose. I talked to a few parents/ teachers about it and we all sort of agreed that it was one of the very few things she could control. But she’s totally fine now. So you might expect some acting out behavior.

    11. Lilysparrow*

      We moved several times in my kids’ toddler and preschool years. It was short-term disruptive in that it changed their daily routine and physical surroundings, but only on the same level as a long vacation or a bad case of flu.

      Long-term emotional impact? Nil. They didn’t really care for more than a couple of weeks, if that long.

      Preschoolers just aren’t that attached to people outside their house, and they have an unbelievably short attention span & memory.

      Elementary aged kids are going to be slightly more invested in friends and teachers, but honestly they fight & break up & are besties & totally forget about each other multiple times during a school year. I’m in a bit of a quandry right now because my tween begged to be in her best friend’s dance class in September, and now they can’t stand to look at each other, much less dance together. (Nonrefundable recital costume. Bleah.)

      As long as home and immediate family are stable, they don’t start getting significant emotional support from friends until somewhere around middle-high school.

      Truly, you will be shocked at how little they care right now.

    12. Sled dog mama*

      My almost 5 year old has moved 4 times, the first at five months blessedly she completely slept through that one.
      She’s expressed missing previous houses but adapts really well. In our last two moves we made certain that a few of her favorite toys were in the last on/first off box and we set aside one room that our movers didn’t put anything in for her to play out of the way.

    13. HannahS*

      It depends on the kid and on how you handle it. I moved about an hour away to a different city at eight and found it traumatic, because I was (….I say “was” to flatter myself…) a rigid, anxious person who didn’t deal well with change.

      I think a lot of advice givers would say that involving your kids is a good thing, but in retrospect, I don’t think it was the right choice for our family. Accompanying my parents to go look at houses was awful. Listening to them talk about it was awful. Every weekend, I’d be reminded that we were leaving everything that was familiar to me, and I’d have to try to imagine myself living in this new strange place that smelled weird and was filled with other people’s stuff, while some person I didn’t know droned on about the place with words I didn’t understand. I’d want to know how close it was to our old neighbourhood, and as the search went on, the houses got farther and farther away, so it went from “Yes, if we buy this house, you’ll be living down the street from your friend and attending the same school and playing in the same parks” to “We’ll come visit, sometimes.” My memory of the whole period is that it felt like a betrayal that I was expected to cry about less. For myself aged seven, I think it would have been better to know that my parents were looking for a house to move to but that all other details were unknown, not have it discussed around me for the months that it took to find a place, then be shown the house once it was purchasing it was underway.

      Some things that were helpful:
      Seeing the house we’d be in once it was bought, knowing which room would be mine and what the backyard looked like.
      My parents gave my brother and I a disposable camera and let us take pictures of the rooms before we started packing.
      My parents brilliantly arranged for me to spend a few hours at the school that I’d be attending in June, and it meant that when I showed up in September, I recognized some of the kids.
      On the night that the people who were buying ours were over signing documents, I was exiled to the backyard with my older brother. He sat with me while I cried and helped me memorize the layout of the backyard. I can still tell you exactly what it looked like on a night in July.

    14. Llellayena*

      I was the small kid when we moved. I was in kindergarten and barely remember it. I apparently had chicken pox during the move so you’d think the memories would stick more. Basically it might be a temporary upset, but probably not a long term problem. No tips for making it easier, unfortunately, since I don’t remember the move.

    15. NforKnowledge*

      A preschooler I’d expect to adapt quickly to a new situation.
      In general, I can chime in with my own experience of 4 transatlantic relocations over 5 years starting when I was 9 and my youngest sibling 3: we all adapted fast to new house/new school/new friends/new language/etc. Moving during high school would have been harder, I think, because the details of the education system are much more important at that stage.

    16. The New Wanderer*

      I was a military brat, so moves every 2 years were just how things were. Middle to late elementary school moves were more memorable – not in a bad way, just I remember them more clearly, but earlier moves barely made an impression.

      Long term effects might include the desire to move every couple of years far into adulthood…

    17. ..Kat..*

      Disruptive, but kids can benefit from a parent having a shorter commute, a better job, etc. “Daddy’s new commute means he can spend a special hour a week with you doing something special.” Of course, don’t say this if you don’t think Daddy will follow through. Give the children something that they can control – perhaps they get to decide on the wall color of their new room. As kids get older, they can keep in touch electronically with old friends.

    18. LCL*

      Here’s a different perspective. We never moved. Mom was an army brat, and she told us moving was fun as a little kid but the move she did in her senior year of high school was miserable. Her dad made her throw away her stack of Analog/Astounding magazines because he said he wasn’t going to move that mess one more time. And she wanted to stay and graduate with her classmates of two years. She said moving little kids is easy, and when they are preschool and elementary they adapt really well.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Also military brat. Ten schools before I graduated from high school. I never got to keep books either, but it was because the air force had a weight limit of what it would move and books are heavy.

    19. Moray all the Way*

      I think it totally depends on your child’s temperament. We moved to another state with our 3 year old 1.5 years ago. We thought she took the change really well at first, but she still asks me why we had to leave her “old home,” and she feels sad about leaving her friends. She loves her new friends and everything, but she’s an anxious kid in general so I think it was harder on her.

      A couple of suggestions though. When you get to the new place, try to keep your kid’s space as “old” as possible. We gave our daughter a new bed in the new house, so she got worried that her old bed was gone forever. I also encouraged her to put some toys in a box to donate before we left which somehow led her to believe that we had gotten rid of most of her toys and books (not true!). Looking back, I wish we had made those changes gradually after getting settled in the new place.

      I’d also encourage talking with your kids about how they’re feeling and being as honest as possible about the move. If they ask about seeing friend x, but realistically you’re never going to see friend x again because they went to the old preschool.. then don’t tell your kid that you “might” see friend x. You’d think they’d forget and move on, but it’s not always the case.

    20. Sick Civil Servant*

      I movedto the suburbs when my daughter was 4 & about to start junior kindergarten. She left the daycare she had been attending for 2 years. She’s also adopted, which I only add because it added another layer of stress. We left a small 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom condo, for a 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathrooms townhouse with a finished basement. I was use to announcing my movements (“going to the bathroom,” “going to the kitchen”) even though the condo was small. In the end, my daughter was fine. She adjusted fine. Her concern was me & my where abouts. And the cats. We were members of a playgroup that continued after we moved which probably helped. Little kids are resistant. It’s as they get older & have solid friendships at school that it gets harder. Good luck!

      1. AdhdAnon*

        We moved a six hour drive away with a 3.5 yo. He was fine. Couple of things we did:

        Get some kids picture books about moving – top of my head – Tims Big Move, Bearenstein (sp?) Bears Moving Day.

        I made a suitcase with the stuff of his that was traveling with us – his most favorite animals, books, toys. Then we ‘decorated’ a special box with markers – mostly scribbles – we packed it together. He was able to find it in the massive number of boxes because it was decorated and really enjoyed pulling his stuff out.

    21. Cherry Sours*

      As a military wife, we moved 7 times in 16 years…certainly easier when the kids are young.
      All 4 of our kids did better with it when they were younger. During the final move we had one in high school, one in junior high and two in elementry school…definitely felt a bit of pushback from the older ones.
      Frame it as an adventure…search your prospective neighborhood/city online or in person for parks, museums, festivals, activities, and so forth, print out or take photos of places you would like to visit, and put them in an album for your child(ren).
      Remaining in the same metro area, it looks like you could possibly arrange to get together with friends (s)he misses, and always able to Skype and/or send each other notes, photos and trinkets in the mail. Also, consider putting together an album of photos of your child with their favorite people.
      Once our kids hit elementry school, we would buy a disposable camera and address book for each child to take to school…never had a problem with this as long as we gave the teacher a head’s up.
      Best of luck with your move and getting settled, and know that our children are more adaptable than we ever give them credit for.

    22. Bethany D*

      Oooo, what an exciting opportunity for you! 3 months ago we made the switch from renting an apartment to owning a house across town. Our kids are 9, 7, & just-turned-5 and we had lived in our previous apartment since our oldest was a baby, plus we were friends with the family next door. So, lots of feelings. It helped to be honest when any of us were feeling sad about what we’d say goodbye to, but we also spent a lot of time talking about all the good new things we’d get to have/do. A cat! A backyard! They could pick any color they wanted to PAINT their bedroom!!! We committed to setting up some playdates with their old friends and spoke hopefully about meeting new ones.

      Logistics of moving with kids: purge first. Declutter like crazy. Once you know for sure you will be moving, start packing things like Christmas ornaments and to-grow-into clothes in boxes and keep a master list of what kind of thing is in which box. I used a letter for the room it goes to and a number to track how many boxes had been packed so far (like “K-1 baking pans & cooling racks”, “G-3 sports equipment”, “B-2 toiletries”). Having kids take care of packing a backpack of favorite things gives them something to do and means not all the toys get buried. Taking them to an off-site babysitter on the main moving day will totally help your sanity (& their safety).

      Homeownership with kids: be realistic about how home repair & grounds upkeep will eat into your valuable free time (I miss our apartment complexes’ landscape & maintenance crews!) Try to involve the kids whenever you can; it’s educational, it’s good for their character, and it means you spend that time together.

      1. Overeducated*

        Maybe too late for further discussion…but did the friends next door leave a big hole in your kids’ lives? That’s honestly my biggest concern right now, my kid plays with the downstairs neighbors a few times a week, no planning required, and who knows if there are even little kids on the same street in a new place.

        1. Bethany D*

          Having more livingspace means we can host playdates more often – but you’re right, it can’t be the frequent spontaneous playtimes like we used to do. We miss them and it takes more planning work on my end. But, we all LOVE having a house. I don’t think it’s an insurmountable difference as long as the kids have school or extracurriculars or some other social outlet.

    23. Nana*

      There are age-appropriate books on the subject. Please don’t worry now about what might happen in 2 – 4 years.

    24. CJ*

      I’ve never moved with kids that age, but I was the kid that moved. We moved when I was nine and going into fourth grade I make friends easily, and did at that school.

      My issue, and it was a horrible one from my point of view, was that we moved from a farm where we had horses and cats and a dog, and I missed that terribly.

      I really think it depends on the kid and how easily made they made friends, but I do think the younger the better.

      1. CJ*

        Oh, yeah. I got chest pains and was short of breath, and my mom and dad thought I had something wrong with my heart. I saw several different doctors for work ups, and everything looked fine.

        Shortly before my mom died decades later, this somehow came up, and I mentioned that the move had caused me to have panic attacks. She said we were so worried about you, why didn’t you say that’s what was happening? And I’m like Mom, I was nine, I didn’t know what the time that they were panic attacks.

        So watch for physical signs of distress.

  3. Lena Clare*

    Oof I’ve had a challenging week – crappy interview I had to withdraw from with no new job prospects at the minute on the horizon, date with a guy who had B.O., and my co-worker has been sick all week and has made me ill AGAIN.
    Have you got any funny things that have happened to you this week? Or maybe you too have had a difficult week and you want to vent?!
    Fire away!

    1. Snazzy Hat*

      Since wednesday, we’ve had a full dishwasher and no water in the kitchen. Every time I’ve attempted to fix a part of my faucet, something went wrong. First it was that I bought a piece in the wrong size. Then I got the correct size, and also an O-ring to fix a problem I had earlier involving water dripping/pouring out from the base of the faucet. (My stopgap solution involved a rubber band and a rag.) The O-ring didn’t help at all. A model-specific set of O-rings & replacement bushing (where the water flows from the supply line to the faucet spout) should be arriving today. Hopefully they come with instructions so I know exactly where the O-rings go on the bushing. Then I’ll be able to run my dishwasher twice, on account of the dishes we’ve used in the meantime.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My husband’s go-to is plumber’s tape (aka Teflon tape) , which gets wrapped loosely on a threaded join so it compresses and stops any less there. Not sure if it would work for you but figured it was worth mentioning.

        1. Snazzy Hat*

          I did put plumber’s tape on the threading for the repair that worked. The sprayer is busted, and I’m tired of replacing it (at least four replacements) so I just capped off the part where the sprayer attaches to the faucet. Good advice, though; it’s not common knowledge that you need to add a few layers of leak-proofing to something designed for handling high water pressure.

          Unfortunately, the base of the faucet appears to have too many variables and too much space to warrant the tape. Oh, and now my banded rag is causing a pressure drop. I’ll report back when the new parts come in.

          1. Snazzy Hat*

            The faucet works again! It’s not leaking anywhere! The spout filter was so clogged with mineral deposits that water wouldn’t even come out, so I took that off & soaked it in vinegar for a half-hour, vigorously scrubbed with an old toothbrush, went back and forth between a vinegar soak and an isopropanol soak. Now the dishwasher is finally running!

            My s.o. & I are convinced that the clog was resulting in pressure backup so severe it damaged the rings and the sprayer. So the next time your faucet is causing you ANY kind of trouble, check the spout filter first!

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My daughter dragged me rollerskating on Presidents Day. I used to ice & roller skate a lot…but I stopped 20 years & a few dress sizes ago. Different center of gravity. Every time I felt muscle memory start coming back, I lost my balance because my muscles were expecting an active skinny kid instead of a 50yo with a desk job.
      Apparently my fall was spectacular because the “lifeguard” really really wanted to give me an ice pack. I took a bandaid for the elbow scrape and went back out. My 7th grader kept passing me saying “on your left!” because we just watched Winter Soldier. So I started calling her Cap. I did manage to skate backwards a gain by the end…just VERY slowly.

      1. My Dear Wormwood*

        Aaah, I remember going ice-skating once and losing my balance yet still managing to stay up and flail about 10m further before finally landing on my face. My friends got a laugh anyway.

    4. My Dear Wormwood*

      I thought I’d have lunch in the garden under my office this week. It’s lovely down there and there is a very handsome water dragon who has grown from a tiny 10cm baby too scared to come out when people were around, to a half-meter long confident fellow. So confident, in fact, that for the first time ever he approached me, instead of me going up to admire him. So confident that he…jumped into my lap and tried to steal my pie! Of course I went “Aaargh!” and knocked him off, but I also dropped some pie, so his tactic worked!

    5. Loopy*

      I got married yesterday and being practical, I decided to minimize fussing about centerpieces. I couldn’t remember a single one from a wedding I had gone to. So I grabbed some plastic bowls from Dollar tree, put some beads in the bottom, filled with water and some cheap floating candles, and ta daaa all done.

      The poor venue staff had to rush around blowing out all the candles they had painstakingly lit halfway through dinner because they were melting the cheap Dollar tree plastic bowls. I was so proud of myself for being budget savvy and practical and it never occurred to me cheap plastic and flame are a bad combo.

      I was amused because I had been so sure no one would remember the centerpieces that I didn’t give them nearly any thought and congratulated myself on it. Turns out, everyone’ll remember mine because they all started melting!

      1. Mrs. Fenris*

        Congratulations on your wedding! I’ve heard quite a few “almost set something on fire” wedding stories. Weddings do seem to involve a lot of open flames and a lot of stuff people just bought. :-)

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I had a whole list of things to do today. Only, while I was at Menards getting supplies, the power went out because we’re having 60mph wind gusts. *facepalm* on the plus side, the new garage door opener I had installed on Tuesday has a battery backup, which works great, so I was able to get back in the garage when I got home at least.

    7. SharedDriveUser*

      Late to the comments, still want to share:

      I was rear-ended at a stoplight by a young woman who told me she was ‘so sorry – I was dipping my chip in guacamole and didn’t see how close you were!’ WTF – who eats chips and dip while driving? Fortunately no one was injured; my SUV had over $2000 damage for which her insurance company paid, and now all is, hopefully well!

      1. Lena Clare*

        Glad everything is ok, but oh my word, eating dip while driving? This is madness!

  4. KatieKate*

    I’m going on apartment tours today, My dad offered to come along as a second set of eyes and I agreed because that can be helpful. I mentioned the apartment tours to a coworker/new friend yesterday and she offered to come along to help. Then when finishing details with my dad, I learned my mom had decided to come too.

    And then I spent all of last night trying to figure out if I’m projecting some kind of helplessness. This isn’t my first apartment–I’ve lived in this city for the past 6 years and have lived in 4 different places. I’ve already gone on a few tours by myself and it was fine. This is my first time looking for a place on my own, but it’s starting to feel like a production. Am I overreacting? Are people just trying to be helpful?

    1. Overeducated*

      Wow! In the absence of other information, I think it’s just really sweet that they all care enough to give up a weekend day. But you don’t have to say yes to everyone…it’s not that complicated a decision, I say as someone in her fifth apartment, all of which have been OK.

    2. Reba*

      Maybe they like spending time with you and are either mildly interested in seeing what’s going on in real estate in your city, or wanting to show interest in your life.

      I also know in my own family that “help with moving” is a big way that my mom shows love. Doesn’t matter if we need it or not (or if it makes things more complicated because some people, *cough*DAD can’t listen to instructions!) it’s what they do.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I don’t think it’s about helplessness, at least not from what you’re telling me. First, I love looking at apartments, better still if it’s someone else’s money. :) Second, my friends often come to me for opinions because I tend to be really straight with them. So my guess would be it’s more out of curiosity on their parts than you seeming like you’re incapable.

      But yes, you can always say no. Especially when your mom decided to come too. That’s a whole lot of opinions to deal with! In your place, I would call your friend and say that since your mom decided to come, it’s become a complicated family thing (it would in my family, don’t know about yours) and ask if you can do drinks/dinner instead. However, if you think everyone would get along and it would add to the fun, then no harm, no foul.

    4. Anon Accountant*

      Sometime it helps to have other people with you because they may think to ask questions that you may not have thought of. Enjoy the afternoon and good luck!

    5. Drew*

      When I was looking at my current house, my parents and I were over at my grandmother’s place looking at listings. Not only did my parents go “oooh” at the same house I did, it turned out they were having an open house RIGHT THEN. So I showed up at the open house with my parents and grandmother in tow because no one wanted to miss out. They mostly stayed quiet and let me ask the questions, but then we went to dinner and all they could say was “If you need help to make this work, let us know, because we LOVE that house.”

      We also drove past another listing that I was at least somewhat interested in, and all four of us pretty much simultaneously said, “Nah, never mind.” The house itself would have been fine, I think, but the neighborhood was clearly not planned well. This house was so close to its neighbors (on a corner) that all three houses shared the same driveway entrance.

    6. knitter*

      I love going apartment hunting with friends because I love to see other people’s houses =)

      When we were in the process of buying our house, my in-laws threw a fit because they thought the house was in dangerous disrepair and suggested we weren’t capable of making this decision on our own. The problem was that our house isn’t a new build (1920) and was in the city (thus, dangerous). So if you think your crew will express opinions based in some sort of bias, then be clear about what kind of feedback you’re looking for. Think through your likes, dislikes and potential compromises before so that you can stand your ground, if needed.

      Have fun!

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Realistically, whatever their motivation – if you don’t want such a crowd, you can say no.

    8. fposte*

      I see two parts to this question. “Is this a production?” and “Am I projecting helplessness?” If it’s too many people, you absolutely can ask somebody to hold off. Did you say yes to the new friend or did she just say she was coming? If you said yes, do you regret it? Or is this about your mom’s appearance, since you apparently weren’t aware about her joining you?

      If you’re fine with everybody being there, I wouldn’t worry a lick about projecting anything at all. It doesn’t really matter what an apartment manager thinks of you as long as they don’t think of you as needing eviction. This isn’t a date–you’re a customer here. As long as the people you’re bringing treat the places respectfully and don’t get in the way, bring whomever you want.

      1. fposte*

        And I have belatedly realized that I’ve misunderstood, and that you’re wondering if people are asking to come along because they think you’re helpless. And I will add my voice to many on this thread to say I will find any excuse to look at houses or apartments when it’s not me who has to move into them :-).

    9. I’m actually a squid*

      Honestly, I’d offer to go apartment hunting with a friend not because I think they’re helpless but because it should like a lot of fun for me. All the enjoyment of seeing new living spaces and dreaming about how to decorate without the stress of paying for it or moving myself.

    10. Karen from Finance*

      I don’t think you’re projecting helplessness, I think they’re all individually offering because it’s always helpful to have a second set of eyes. You can always say “oh, so-and-so is already coming, but you can come next time” or something.

    11. MRK*

      I think some people see it as a group activity, or that a second set of eyes would be helpful. Also based on one of the threads in yesterday’s open post, have a buddy with you may just be a good idea in general for safety, no matter who you are.

      Fun story: when my first apartment was being shown for rental, I had a realtor seem to no show (was told something like between 3-5pm) Around 5:30 I decided to go shower, and when I hopped out I opened the bathroom door to find the realtor with no less than 6 frat bros in the living room. Of a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. No way they would all be living there. They were very nice and apologetic but that was pretty awkward

    12. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      Are the people who’ve asked to go the type to like to enjoy getting to go on tours of apartments and houses? There’s a reason House Hunters is such a popular HGTV show, and it’s because people are intrinsically nosy about what’s inside other people’s homes.

    13. Wishing You Well*

      Some people LOVE to see inside others’ homes. It’s almost a hobby. I’m not interested in it unless I’m house-hunting myself, but – to each their own.

    14. KatieKate*

      Hi everyone! Thank you for the lovely words of encouragement. The tours went fine and I was 100% overreacting. It was nice to have other people there to ask questions I hadn’t thought of.

    15. Autumnheart*

      I’m another one who would go along on various house-hunting, furnishing, etc. trips because I love doing that stuff. Blame my parents, who dragged us kids along to Parade of Homes so much that when we grew up, we actually enjoyed it. I also like looking at everyone’s home remodeling pictures on FB.

      1. Canadian*

        100% Safety. I don’t go into other people’s houses without a buddy, and I always volunteer to go with people if they don’t have anyone. I also really enjoy looking at other people’s homes.

    16. Cherry Sours*

      People are curious, but also want to help. It was extremely helpful to have a friend along when I was house hunting…I was looking at the overall structure, etc, while friend pointed out, in different homes…one with electrical issues, a bedroom that was too small to handle the queen size bed I intended to put there without one side being up against a wall, and something off about a connection in the laundry room. Invite them along (perhaps one or two at a time), and enjoy the extra set(s) of eyes.

  5. I Am Groot*

    Cosplay/costume ramble incoming!

    I love to cosplay; it is one of my very favorite hobbies. One thing I’ve always wanted to do is join a charity group that visits kids in hospitals and does other fundraising activities in costume. The problem is that none of my cosplays are child-friendly; I prefer more monster and creepy costumes, or characters that are simply not known to children/the general public. Most charity cosplay groups I see are made up of superheroes and Disney princesses, with a few others mixed in.

    I think the character I would most want to cosplay for charity would be Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy. He would be mostly fabrication and less fabric, which would satisfy my love of more monstrous cosplays, and he only says ‘I Am Groot’, which would allow me easier interaction with kids by less chance of saying something out of character (one of my fears of doing a ‘face exposed’ character like a princess). Groot is also my favorite superhero, aside from Rocket Raccoon.

    So there you go, Groot is my ideal project… except I think he’s currently out of my skill range. Not impossible but I think that charity cosplayers should be at slightly higher standards than someone cosplaying a con just for fun since they have to impress the kids. And I worry that my current skills are not at the level I’d like them to be for Groot. But here’s a recent development: in speaking with my mother, a fellow geek and cosplayer, she asked if I’d thought of commissioning a Groot cosplay from someone online. She even said that she’d contribute a portion of the money as a birthday gift to me.

    Commissioning cosplays is something I haven’t thought about. I love making my own cosplays by hand; even if it’s not at an all-star level that would win costume contests, I take such pride is saying ‘I made this myself’. I sometimes get frustrated when friends with more advanced skill sets have helped me because, though I appreciate their assistance, I don’t like the control of the project taken from my hands. I worry I’d feel the same way if I dropped a significant amount of money on a Groot cosplay by someone else; I wouldn’t feel as attached to the cosplay or excited by because I didn’t make it myself.

    Now I wonder how I would feel if I was able to make the body myself and just commission the head. I might be able to get the body to the point I like it, if I practice in advance and take my time, but making a realistic head is what I’m truly worried about. If I commissioned just a head, I’d be spending significantly less money on the commission, I’d still have the body that I’d be proud of, and I’d feel less bad parting with just a head a few years down the road if I’m able to make one for myself than if I ditched a whole cosplay.

    I plan on doing a test of the materials and method that I’ve planned for Groot’s body in the next couple weeks. I think that will really tell me what to do. If it comes out how I like, I can make the body and even attempt the head before deciding if I’d rather commission that part. If I can’t make it, then I have to decide if I want to commission an entire cosplay or if I’d rather take another few years to practice my skills and get to a point where I could make it myself.

    1. Liza*

      This sounds awesome!! I was a charity cosplayer for a number of years and it’s the most amazing feeling in the world to see kids light up when they recognise their favourite character.

      If you have the time and money, take some time to experiment with different materials and techniques. You may surprise yourself after a little practice!

      Best of luck with your project! It sounds like a lot of fun!

      1. I Am Groot*

        Oh that’s awesome! Can I ask was character/s you cosplayed for charity and kind of events you did? I’d love any tip for getting involved with charity cosplay!

        1. Liza*

          I mostly did Dr Who and other science fiction but I did dabble in the Disney side of things as well. Mostly I worked kids events, family fun days in all sorts of venues (libraries, museums, community centres), plus a few conventions. Did a lot of fundraising. I was involved in doing short skits and plays for the kids, interactive adventures, that sort of thing. We had a big team of people with some awesome equipment, while I was more involved in the writing/acting side.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      First, I *LOVE* your Groot idea and wish you luck.
      Second, would Monsters Inc give you amything scary enough but still huggable? Mike & Sully rock.

      1. I Am Groot*

        Monsters Inc might be fun but I don’t love that movie as much as I do Guardians of the Galaxy. Plus I think that much fur would be a nightmare to work with. Now Baymax, big inflatable adorable robot, he might be doable! Plus perfect cosplay for childrens hospitals and the like.

        Thanks for the thoughts and encouragement!

          1. I Am Groot*

            Haha very true! I absolutely love dressing up as a zombie; it is my favorite cosplay to get in-character with. Last year, I volunteered at a local zombie-run that was considered family friendly because the zombie sections were secluded and optional. A lot of parents came up to the sections with their kids to look inside and see if they wanted to do it. I was able to get the position closest to the door so I was the first zombie the runners saw. Cannot tell you how hard it is to not break character when you see these wide-eyed kids back-pedaling as fast as they can away from me. We had many come through our section just fine, or were forced through screaming by parents, but I loved the horrified looks on the faces of those who wouldn’t come through even more.

            I’m tempted to reach out to the charity group to see if the zombie would be welcomed but I think other than an actual Halloween event in the fall, zombies wouldn’t be wanted year-round.

    3. Liane*

      I’ve done Star Wars cosplay for years and am a minor officer in one of the major groups. I don’t think Groot would be too scary, especially for older kids–have you checked with the superhero clubs?
      Another thing to be aware of is that you might have to remove your headgear during the visit. One children’s hospital where I often arranged visits required that our characters who had full-face masks or helmets remove them before entering kids’ rooms, where they could put them on. The reasoning is that children can get scared by even their favorite characters in person if they can’t see that there’s a real person under it. (AFAIK, it isn’t a requirement of every hospital.) It’s nota big deal for cosplayers I work with–but it’s something you may want to take into consideration in the design if you go for Groot, or even Baymax, as I see he was mentioned.

      At Liza: Yes it is amazing. It’s how I give back for all the time my (grown up & healthy) son spent in a hospital as a baby. And it’s also fun to watch staffers who didn’t know about the visit–and discover they are sharing an elevator with Darth Vader! (Wasn’t me, I’m a Jedi.) Yes, it IS anatomically possible for a human’s eyes to temporarily bug out like in cartoons.

    4. Penguin*

      What you mean by “out of your skill range?”
      I ask because I had a similar conversation with a friend recently, and discovered that I meant “will take longer than I want to spend because I will have to substitute time and care for skill” rather than “don’t know how to do it” and that changed how I approached the project.

      So, what does “outside of my skill range” mean to you?

      1. I Am Groot*

        To me, out of my skill range means it won’t turn out to be something I’d consider quality for a public charity event.

        Last fall, I put my all into a new cosplay that did not turn out like I’d hoped. It had been a while since I’d had a cosplay go so off the rails. Combing the exhaustion I was feeling from days spent putting it together and the frustration I felt that it looked horrible to me, I ended up on the phone with my geek mother, crying about how horrible the cosplay turned out. Like outright sobbing. But, all that said, I still wore the costume to my con and got a ton of recognition for it (it was a character from a very nostalgic game that was getting a reboot so, despite that I thought it looked awful, other fans came running up to me very excited to see my cosplay).

        So I do worry that Groot would be out of my skills range and I’d end up frustrated and not happy with him. The first Groot cosplay tutorial I saw online talked about running foam through molds, definitely things I can’t do. But I saw others about gluing foam tubing and carving foam mats that look just as good as the custom foam mold cosplay. So I’ll do the test and see how it comes out.

        1. Penguin*

          Ah, ok, gotcha. Yeah, I know that didn’t-live-up-to-my-own-expectations feelings myself… I hope your test works well! Best of luck!

    5. Free Meerkats*

      I wasn’t online this weekend, so just getting to this thread now.

      I understand the “I made it myself” vibe, I’m embarking on a cosplay project that I expect to take me at least a year, possibly two, to put together. Luckily I’m targeting Worldcon 2021 in DC. Both of my cosplay competition costume so far have forced me to learn things I never did before. But – and this is a big but – the hall costume I had was commissioned from a friend who sews for a living. For some reason it’s difficult to find a high-vis yellow three piece suit with a high-vis orange vest.

      If you look at the Groot costume as a uniform for entertaining the kids instead of a cosplay, it might change how you feel on the self-made thing. This isn’t a competition costume, so you don’t need to make it yourself. I support trying the body part yourself and seeing how it goes. If you commission a head, you’ll get a good look at how it was done and maybe get ideas on how to do it yourself.

      Just remember, the main reasons to mold things is to make many of an item. To make a mold you need to carve the piece to make a positive. Since you aren’t going to be making many of them, why not carve it from foam and wear it?

    6. Encouraging Anon*

      Hi! I know I’m late to respond, but I thought I’d still try :D

      For making a Groot costume to participate in the charity group, there’s not a fixed deadline, like there may be for other con-focused cosplay. (Rush deadlines have always played a part in my cosplay disappointments…) Maybe you could just truly take your time working on the sculpting/texture/painting methods, doing lots of small test patches, and working on the body first. It may give you the confidence that you’ve developed the sculpting methods to tackle the head, which you can also take your time on. Maybe you can join the charity cosplay group now, telling that you are working on a Groot costume, and they can give you advice and maybe even loan you tools.

      Which is to say, I think you should go for creating your own costume and allow yourself to take as much time as you need! It may take a while but if part of the joy for you is having made the costume yourself, I think it’s worth a shot at doing it yourself! (And, if you do the body first and the head just doesn’t work out, you can always commission just the head.)

      Good luck with your cosplay!

    2. Snazzy Hat*

      Congratulations on giving Spectrum the steel-toed boot! We can’t wait to do the same! (Fiber optics aren’t available in my city, through Google or Verizon.)

    3. noahwynn*

      I have fiber through a local company in Minneapolis. 1 gigabyte(bit? not sure) both up and down. $70 per month. It is amazingly fast and during a recent outage they gave us access to their municipal WiFi network which is much slower but still nice to have if it’s that or nothing.

  7. ThatGirl*

    We spent most of the week in Orlando/at Disney for my brother in law’s wedding and some Disney time. Everything went pretty well but it reinforced that I do not like being at WDW with my inlaws, my MIL is very… hard to please, passive aggressive, snipes at people, and it’s amplified there. Stresses my husband out. They expect him to plan things and then get mad if it doesn’t all go perfectly or he doesn’t read their mind. Plus they moved to Florida last year and she hates it so they’re fighting over that.

    But, the wedding was lovely and despite flying Southwest we only had delays, no cancellations.

    1. L’il Sebastian*

      I’m glad the wedding was nice! We love WDW and I dread the day my in laws ask to go with us. Our vacation styles just aren’t compatible! Plus my husband’s mom also does the passive aggressive thing. Sorry they made the trip less fun.

    2. Karen from Finance*

      I think dealing with family is the hardest part of Disney vacations. There’s so much to do, there’s time constraints, lines, and dealing with different generations of people who have different wants and needs… It’s all quite difficult. I went by myself which is an unusual thing to do, but I’m very happy I did.

      I’m glad you had a nice time at the wedding.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yeah, it’s our third trip there with them and I said never again after the last one (this was special circumstance though). My husband and I have a great method that works for us, but they are pretty inflexible. Blergh. Anyway, you’re definitely right.

  8. Lost but not alone*

    Just an update that my divorce was finalized this week and I’m hoping things will settle down somewhat soon. My inlaws have been very supportive and we have a plan so they continue to build a relationship with my daughter. My ex-husband is already on his third girlfriend in 6 months and told me after court that she might be the one. Of course, ‘it’ll depend on if she gets divorced or not’ so I’m just glad I’m off the roller coaster of his life. Hope everyone is staying safe all this crazy weather and thanks for all the kind comments on my previous post.

    1. Anon Accountant*

      Best wishes and things will settle for you. It sounds like you’re being level headed with your decisions. Keep moving forward and things will get better.

    2. Rebecca*

      Good luck, and I’m glad your daughter will be able to have a relationship with her grandparents. For me, it was a good feeling to finally have that piece of paper in my hand.

    4. King Friday XIII*

      Congrats! I’m glad your in-laws (are they out-laws now?) are supportive and want to stay in your daughter’s life!

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I’m so glad you came back and posted a good update. You are right to be well out of it….. (internet hug)

    6. Observer*

      3rd girlfriend in 6 months? I hope he keeps all his women out of your daughter’s life!

      I’m so glad for you that your life is moving on and that your in-laws are being reasonable. It’s so much better for a kid when they have loving and REASONABLY STABLE adult presence in their lives.

      1. Lost but not alone*

        I’ve got full custody and he’s only been by to see her once in the last 2 weeks so she has no clue. Luckily she’s only two and has always been a mama’s girl. Our lives will both be more stable without his ups and downs.

        1. the corner ficus*

          I have to imagine that you’re right about the better stability. He sounds absolutely volatile with his constant stream of girlfriends. What you’re doing for your daughter is freeing her of so much stress. You’re a great mother.

    1. coffee cup*

      I like the stability, but I am so utterly bored and frustrated. My general mental health is becoming worse because of how I feel. I will stay in my job until I find a better one, but it isn’t something I can keep on with for too much longer.

      I have looked at volunteering locally, but abroad isn’t possible. I live in the UK and I don’t have PTO. I can’t just take a month off, either, my work would never allow it. Private sector, micromanaging nonsense. I just see how I spent my early 30s feeling trapped and I don’t want to spend the rest of them feeling the same way. But the first step is hard to see.

  10. Anon Accountant*

    I’m angry. This morning when I was in the shower my phone was on the kitchen table. My phone screen showed photos and was back on phots taken in June. Those haven’t been viewed in a looooong time so there’s no reason those were up.

    Before my mom has commented on texts I’ve sent or received and I never said anything to ANYONE about the content. She has huge boundary issues. I’m 35 and focusing on paying off debt and minimizing purchases to move out ASAP. So angry right now.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Lock your phone? Don’t leave it around?

      This will TOTALLY not solve the boundary issues. She will find other ways to suck you in/not mind her business. But in my experience, taking control of the things you CAN control is hugely satisfying.

      Also, she sounds like she tries to keep her snooping on the DL, so if you physically keep your phone away from her, or aggressively lock the screen, it will drive her batty but she won’t be able to say anything about it.

      1. all the leaves are brown*

        Yes, came here to say this too: setting up a password on your phone would be a great first step.

      2. Anon Accountant*

        I did add a passcode. Hard part will be me remembering it! Agree- it’ll drive her batty. I feel like I almost have to glue my phone to me so she can’t snoop in that.

        All my bills and bank statements are paperless and no login info is anywhere. So frustrated.

        3. ElspethGC*

          Try setting it as the PIN for a card (or an old card). Mine is the PIN I had for a card a couple of years ago, so muscle memory is a big help there. Do you have any meaningful dates that you could use that have absolutely no meaning to her? For example, I’ve used my cat’s birthday before – literally no-one else but me cares enough to remember the birthday of my cat, so it’s easy for me to remember but nearly impossible for anyone else to guess.

          1. blackcat*

            Mine is the constant e. A few other people I know have pi, avagadro’s number, etc.
            Probably not super secure, but google-able if you forget, LOL.

          2. Beatrice*

            I do a 6-digit number, but I’ve done consecutive digits of my SSN, 6 digits of my childhood phone number, an old 4-digit ATM pin with the last 2 digits repeated, an old employee ID that I used to have to punch into a timeclock multiple times a day, several non-obvious dates, and several zip codes with an extra digit.

            I originally just set a PIN. My snooper figured out the number and had the poor judgement to tell me, even though setting the PIN originally happened after I flipped out about snooping. So I change it. My work cell requires a 6-digit PIN that changes every 90 days, so I just change my personal cell PIN to the same code at the same time. I don’t have much difficulty remembering the number and my phone is secure.

        4. King Friday XIII*

          I’d be tempted to turn on the option to take a picture of someone who fails to unlock your phone just to get some really unflattering shots…

        6. The Man, Becky Lynch*

          My phone locks with a pattern, so barring her being so boundary crossing enough to scope out your pattern, that should work as well. Less complicated than using some kind of password. It’s not the most secure but it’s better than nothing. Most people won’t go so far so to unlock your phone even if it’s somewhat simple!

        7. Observer*

          Also register your fingerprint / face id (depends on what you phone uses.)

          But, yes, your mother has boundary issues. The best thing you can do for yourself till you get out of there, is to lock everything down.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      What would happen if you told your mom to stop snooping? Call her out on her behavior? Because she’s out of line. Regardless, put a password on your phone thwart her. If she wants to complain about it, she’d also have to fess up to snooping.

      Otherwise, stay focused on getting your finances in order so you can move out.

    3. Rebecca*

      I heartily second pass coding your phone. I just have a 4 digit number that’s easy for me to remember, and it keeps prying eyes away. There are other things you can do, too – like in settings, you can set messages to say “content hidden”. That way, if it’s laying there, and someone texts, my Android phone just says “messages” and “content hidden”. Before it would come up as a message from “Jane” and the first words of the message right on the lock screen.

    4. Folkie*

      I think you can get things that take a photo and email it to you if someone guesses yout password incorrectly a few times.

  11. Alex*

    Any recs for biodegradable sunscreen that doesn’t make a total sticky mess? I tried some from Alba and it was horrible–and also didn’t work at all (I got burned). It was hard to put on, impossible to wash off, and all of my belongings got covered with it. I completely ruined a book because I was reading it on the beach wearing that sunscreen. I could not wipe this stuff off the cover!

    I’m looking at Blue Lizard, but it is so expensive I don’t want to buy a whole bottle and then find it too is a total mess. I’d really like to use biodegradable stuff but I’m not willing to spend my vacation feeling like I need to bathe in goo gone.

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      I’m from Hawaii and all of our sunscreen has to be reef safe now (yay). I copied this list:

      Here is a list of sunscreens considered to be reef safe. Made in Hawaii sunscreens are marked with an *asterisks

      *Mama Kuleana Waterproof SPF 30 Reef-safe Sunscreen
      *Kokua Sun Care Hawaiian SPF 50 Natural Zinc Sunscreen
      *Little Hands Hawaii SPF 35+ All-natural and Organic Sunscreen
      Manda Organic SPF 50 Sun Paste
      *Raw Love SPF 35 All-natural Mineral Sunscreen
      Thinksport SPF 50 Sunscreen
      All Good SPF 30 Sport Sunscreen Lotion
      Babo Botanicals SPF 30 Clear Zinc Lotion
      Suntegrity Natural Mineral Sunscreen
      Badger SPF 30 Unscented Sunscreen Cream
      Raw Elements SPF 30 Certified Natural Sunscreen
      Stream2Sea SPF 30 Mineral Sunblock
      Loving Naturals Clear Body SPF 30+ All-natural Sunscreen
      Reef Safe Oxybenzone Free Biodegradable SPF 50 Sunscreen
      Banana Boat Simply Protect SPF 50+ Sunscreen (spray, not lotion)

      1. Alex*

        Thanks! Have you used any of these, and are they overly sticky? (None of those brands look familiar to me so I’ll have to do some hunting).

        1. zyx*

          From this list, I have used only Thinksport, and I found it to be effective and not too sticky. It does leave a white cast on my skin, though, and I’m already pretty pale (though with olive undertones). But I’ve yet to encounter a mineral-based sunscreen that doesn’t make me look like the Ghost of Zyx.

      2. Arya Parya*

        I’ve used Bandana Boat when I was vacationing in Hawaii a few years ago and liked it. It was not sticky and rubbed in well. I didn’t get sunburnt, but I don’t get sunburnt very easily, so not sure how effective it is on a different skin type.

    2. Jess*

      I had good luck with Australian Gold reef safe sunscreen while I was in Hawaii. It rubbed in well, wasn’t difficult to wash off, and I didn’t burn (at least when I remembered to apply it!). It wasn’t super expensive, they had it at the grocer/drugstore.

    3. Gerald*

      I know Blue Lizard is the ideal option for people who get sunburnt easily. If you aren’t extremely pale then you can probably choose something else that is cheaper, although I don’t know what to recommend (I prefer to avoid the sun by wearing wide hats and long sleeves)

    4. Patty Mayonnaise*

      Not sure if you are still around, but Blue Lizard is amazing – definitely the least sticky and messy sunscreen I’ve ever used (though I have typically used unnatural sunscreen in the past)

      1. Alex*

        Thanks! I think I’ll get a bottle of that and also one of the ones on the list above if I can find them.

  12. Perpetua*

    How to “soften” and lighten up a kitchen with almost everything black, without major renovations?

    In our relatively new rental apartment, we have a kitchen with black cabinets (both upper and lower), black tile flooring, black floor-to-ceiling cupboards, even black small tile backsplash that extends into a whole black wall in the small dining area! The only thing not black is the white countertop. It’s also a fairly small kitchen, and while I know that dark colors can sometimes work in small spaces, I think this is not one of them.

    Aside from painting the cabinets or wrapping them with vinyl (which I’m pretty hesitant to do, because the black is high-gloss and I don’t want to ruin the cabinets), is there anything else we can do to make the space more cozy?

    If you’ve had similar issues in rental apartments, I’d love to hear your hacks! :)

      1. Perpetua*

        The wall is small black tile (which I even kind of like on its own, if only there wasn’t so much black altogether), the oven is black with silver details (all the cabinet pulls are silver as well), and the rest of the appliances are hidden behind the same black high-gloss panels as the cabinets.

        Basically, everything is black! :P

    2. Not A Manager*

      Wow, that’s a very… particular… design scheme. I wonder what they were thinking.

      I’d try natural materials. Get some wood cutting boards and a big wood salad bowl, and see what happens when you leave them on the counter. Get some of those natural fiber, undyed tea towels and hang them over the stove handle. If you have a hanging pan rack, see what happens if you get, say, a copper pan, or use the brushed stainless ones. Try a copper bowl on top of the cabinets.

      My partner really likes having small throw rugs or walk-off mats by the sink and back door. They come in all kinds of “natural” colors/fabrics/weaves.

      Even something like a bundle of dried herbs hanging on the side of a cabinet, or a string or dried garlic or peppers, might help.

      1. Perpetua*

        Yes, particular is one way of putting it. :D

        The owner is actually a friend of ours and his story is that his girlfriend at the time (an architect just like him) really wanted it that way. But, since she’s not around anymore, no way to check that story… :P

        I’ve added a photo below, there’s not a lot of counter space, so we try to keep it mostly free in order to be able to use it for actual cooking. But yes, at the very least I can step up our tea towel game!

        1. tangerineRose*

          If you like mystery books, well, this reminds me so much of the book “Swan for the money” by Donna Andrews. One main character liked black and white so much that she tried to make everything in black and white only in the house, etc.

      2. Rosaline Montague*

        At the holidays I tape a vertical ribbon on each cabinet door and then tape on holiday cards. Maybe just the ribbons would look pretty and break up the black ?! Also Spoonflower and a few other sources have high quality removable wallpaper and I have seen it look super cute on refrigerators on Pinterest.

    3. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Light runners or throw rugs, decorative accents out on the counters (rather than practical things — think bowls of fruit, etc.).

      Lighting — can you change the bulbs, add a decorate lamp or two, or put under-cabinet lights in (you can do this without damaging the cabinets)?

      Could you remove the fronts of the cabinets and put up temporary wallpaper inside them? (See link for example.)

        1. Perpetua*

          Unfortunately, the cabinets are too deep for the wallpaper to have any impact :/

          But yeah, lightning is a big issue, we put some LEDs inside the cabinets and we’re still trying to figure out what we can do in the space itself.

    4. BRR*

      Things on the counter top like something to hold utensils. A kitchen towel on the oven door. Is there any wall space to hang some art?

        1. fposte*

          Oh, I *love* those. Some of the best kitchen money I’ve spent. I’d cover the whole floor with those if I could.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            I worked in a kitchen store for a hot minute and got one as my holiday gift! I think the total amount of money I earned working there was about half the cost of the mat, but still– such a great thing to have.

    5. LibbyG*

      Well, it seems like the floor might be the biggest black surface you can easily address. Is there some kitchen-worthy rug that could brighten or warm up the space?

      Maybe it would look good to take a couple of the upper cabinet doors clean off and display your prettiest dishes there? Break up the giant expanse of black?

      Or maybe some natural wood elements would make the whole room look less clinical?

    6. Overeducated*

      Glittery or reflective star magnets? LED candles on a surface for a warm glow? A row of cookbooks with colorful spines, if there is shelf space? Clearly I have the design sense of an eight year old, but I’m wondering if there’s a way you could roll with it instead of working against it.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Looking at the pic, absolutely agreed with the recommendations for natural wood/cork textures and bright colors. What about some soft, bright, lightweight curtains on the windows, wooden cutting boards/trays/trivets/bowls, wooden drying rack for your dishes, natural bristle dish brushes, a sisal rug with some colorful or painted sections — basically whatever accessories you can find that are the opposite of sleek, shiny, and dark.

        You could even do some of those 3M damage-proof hangers and HANG some accessories on the tile wall or the side of that tall cupboard. Driftwood, or pretty carved bowls, or a rack for nice wooden rolling pins.

        Oh and what about some plants? Hang a trailing plant high in that window or in the corner in the picture, in a sisal-wrapped pot and let the leaves drape down.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Oooh. I kind of like it, but that IS a lot of black.
        Of course, my response would be to put a lot of silly Halloween-y stuff in there and call it The Kitchen of Doom, but I like the suggestion of natural materials. That might soften the hard edges too.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Now that I’ve seen it, the hardest thing for me would be distinguishing the change from floor to wall. Seriously I’d trip. If that’s you too, could you do something along the baseboards? Maybe change those to contrasting color, or have a string of tube lights just under the cabinet lip.

      4. Not So NewReader*

        I would do something that plays on the black color thing such as penguins or old time movie still shots. If you enjoy chess or checkers there might be some way to use it. Pictures of old Model A’s might make sense.

        I don’t think it would take a lot to make sense out of the use of the color, “Oh the kitchen is black which makes sense with the penguins/old still shots/ car pics.
        (This coming from a person who has a picture of lounging polar bears in their bedroom.)

      5. Teach*

        Oooof, that’s a lot of black! My thoughts:
        1. A rug that covers a good amount of floor. Mostly light colors but hints of black. There are loads of cheap ones that are plastic and washable/hosable, but nice.
        2. Command hooks: hang something, anything on the side of the cabinet. Ditto the tile wall. Cutting boards, bowls, trays, etc.
        3. What’s the light like? Can you do hanging plants?
        4. I’ve seen some beautiful linen that has black/natural/ silver threads. I think something like that could bridge the gaps here.

    8. Kathenus*

      Obviously depends on your taste, but I’d do a combination of natural wood and very bright colored things to accent and give a punch to the place. For me, natural wood somehow feels relaxing and soothing, and bright colors (in moderation) make me smile, so find the combination of things you like and you’ll hopefully find yourself smiling when you go there from the great accents you’ve added instead of focusing on the black which you had no choice in.

    9. Epsilon Delta*

      Wow that is a lot of black! Actually I think I would like that design haha!

      I would pick one or two bright or light accent colors and use those for your towels, a rug, maybe a decorative vase or similar. They also make small appliances in a range of colors now so that could be an option if you need a coffee maker or something like that.

      For accent colors I personally like bright colors so I would look for something like red or a light blue/purple, or light green. The browns/neutral colors others suggested would look nice as well if that’s more your style.

      1. Lilith*

        Yep it might be fun to decide that one color will be your accent then when things need replacing go with that. It’s really striking.

      2. Washi*

        Yeah, or peel and stick tiles? We covered the hideous teal linoleum in our kitchen with a checkerboard of black and white temporary tiles that we got from home depot for like $40. Could work on the backsplash and/or floor!

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        There’s a wide variety. Appliance stickers from cartoons to simple color-change. My co-worker & I have “windows” onto beach & forest. A friend has a planter she never needs to water. And I’ve been considering them for a space that gets bumped too often for photos: https://smile.amazon.com/N-SunForest-Decals-Nursery-Forest-Stickers/dp/B017D6MZHO/ref=mp_s_a_1_84?crid=1LB04ANXAZI6W&keywords=wall%2Bdecals&qid=1550955697&s=gateway&sprefix=wall%2Bdec&sr=8-84&th=1&psc=1

        https://smile.amazon.com/Nisha-Magic-Removable-Sticker-Ancient/dp/B06XWZF3KF/ref=sxbs_sxwds-stvp?keywords=removable+decals&pd_rd_i=B06XWZF3KF&pd_rd_r=465aa46b-2802-4a5a-94eb-9f160e92e6d0&pd_rd_w=2IQqI&pd_rd_wg=cIU1Z&pf_rd_p=53606735-0421-4e69-9b3b-c6f554b47a4f&pf_rd_r=QSFMC0JS8FRCK2FJ4NVH&qid=1550956574&s=gateway

        https://smile.amazon.com/VViViD-Architectural-Adhesive-Metallic-Stainless/dp/B0748VH4M6/ref=mp_s_a_1_15?crid=1EMA7HOOJ4BRE&keywords=appliance+decals&qid=1550956698&s=gateway&sprefix=applian+decals&sr=8-15

      4. Chaordic One*

        Some kind of artwork for the walls or even on the actual cupboards? Maybe something like plastic laminated posters in bright and light colors that you could easily wipe clean if they got dirty or something with a thin plastic cover and thin frames that could be held to the wall using poster tape. I’ve seen some people put up laminated place mats that had artwork on them.

      5. Kathenus*

        Yes! I was going to suggest wall murals. They make them in both stick, and cling varieties – the cling ones can be taken off or moved easily. And you can pick out almost anything you want, and customize the size. I got some for a couple rooms in my house with nature scenes. Google wall murals and you’ll find some great companies.

    11. Not A Manager*

      It’s not as horrible as I imagined. You can try to soften it, or you can embrace it. Get one or two bright red accent pieces, and otherwise use kitchen fabrics/mats that are cream or off-gray. Pewter would work well, like a cheese board or serving plate.

    12. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      There are ‘skins’ that you can buy for large appliances – like the refrigerator. Look for appliance art, refrigerator (and fridge) skins etc.
      You can paint them as well, but honestly that’s a pain and quite time consuming.

    13. Slartibartfast*

      I inherited a manly kitchen with black appliances, white counters, dark cabinetry. I added under cabinet task lights (battery stick-on LED) and bright red accessories (vase for bamboo cooking utensils, red coffee pot and tea kettle, hand towels, rug, salt and pepper shakers, wall art, etc). It’s still a little harsh for my tastes and I am considering replacing the grotty white counter with butcher block, so I agree with the instinct for natural finishes, but maybe throw some bright accessories in your favorite color. It’s a neutral base at least.

    14. Electric Sheep*

      Can you put a pot plant in? You can get a stand and have it off the counters. Even if you had that in the dining room maybe, next to the kitchen. I recently got one and I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable I’m finding having it in my room.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        So now I’m wondering… is that a typo for “potted” plant, a regionalism that means it, or are you in a state that lets you grow what you typed? ((GRIN))

        1. londonedit*

          Massively late and not even Electric Sheep, but ‘pot plant’ is a pretty common term in the UK, just meaning ‘potted plant’. The double meaning also works here, but people’s first thought would be ‘plant in a pot’ rather than cannabis!

        2. Electric Sheep*

          Lololol I’m Australian and that’s what we call an indoor plant in a pot. I guess if you were high maybe you’d stop caring about the decor but I was thinking more like a philodendron!

    15. Susan Ryan*

      You can adhere light fabric with liquid starch. You can buy it at Walmart or any general store. I have used it to adhere lace fabric to windows with ugly view or fabric to walls or cupboards. To remove just peel a corner and pull off and then sponge off with a wet sponge.

    16. CJ*

      Oh, yeah. I got chest pains and was short of breath, and my mom and dad thought I had something wrong with my heart. I saw several different doctors for work ups, and everything looked fine.

      Shortly before my mom died decades later, this somehow came up, and I mentioned that the move had caused me to have panic attacks. She said we were so worried about you, why didn’t you say that’s what was happening? And I’m like Mom, I was nine, I didn’t know what the time that they were panic attacks.

      So watch for physical signs of distress.

  13. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Probably absurd question: Is there any way to change the way I walk?

    I’ve been experiencing some discomfort (not severe, but annoying) in my left heel lately. I’ve noticed that on the boots I wear most often during winter, the wear on the outside of the left heel (and to a lesser extent, the outside of the right heel) is noticeably uneven compared with the rest of the sole. I’ve noticed the same pattern develop on every pair of non-running shoes I’ve had over the past few years, but didn’t think anything of it until my heel started to hurt. I’ve also picked up on the fact that the soles are getting warped faster and faster, even though I’m buying the same (name brand, not inexpensive) brand of shoes.

    Most of what I’ve read online has said the course of this is underpronation when I walk, and the only solution is to “properly re-align my body”. But I’ve seen no suggestions on how to do this other than doing yoga and hoping for the best, and to be honest, I *really* don’t want to do yoga.

    Since there seems to be less of a problem when I run or wear running shoes, I think I’m first going to try to just wear running shoes all the time and deal with my feet turning to ice in cold weather, and see if that helps, but I’m curious to hear any other thoughts from folks who may have had the same problem.

    (I’m fully aware that the obvious answer here is to see a podiatrist, and I probably will, but I’m waiting to do so until after I survive a major race next month.) :-)

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Yup, orthotics. So a podiatrist is your best bet. I’ve had some luck with OTC orthotics; you can search for “orthotics for underpronation” and that should help a bit. I might caution you to wait until after the race, though, because you don’t want to deal with foot/gait changes right now.

      My body is weirdly aligned (I have one leg that’s almost an inch longer than the other), and orthotics have been the only help. Yoga is great and all, but it’s not perfect. I think machine-based Pilates (as opposed to mat) might be even better, but I haven’t tried it.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I think everyone in my family has had orthotics at some point, so in my mind, that’s what I was kind of thinking, but I’m definitely not a medical professional. I will definitely wait until after my race to see a podiatrist (who knows, it could be something else).

    2. Drastically unhip*

      I looked at this a few years ago and am happy to share what I found. Sadly, the answer seemed to be that without real, professional help from a PT, trying to change your gait does more harm than good. You can try to strengthen overall, though, which helps stop you overloading any one joint. The key there is to get a real, qualified, good teacher so you learn good form and to do full-body workouts with body weight or free weights, not weight machines.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thanks very much – and that’s an interesting thought. I’ve never lifted a weight in my life, against the advice of pretty much every running professional out there. It could be coming back to haunt me now.

    3. Not A Manager*

      My DIL changed some small things about her posture/gait after a few Pilates classes. The instructor gave her some pointers. She said that the small changes made her much more comfortable in her daily activities.

      She also really likes the Pilates class, which might be more congenial to you than yoga.

    4. cat socks*

      When you mentioned heel pain, my first thought was plantar fasciitis. I think I’ve just recently started to develop it myself, so not a lot of advice. It seems like there are videos on YouTube which show stretching exercises.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’m praying that’s not it. My wife had plantar fasciitis most of last year, and so I’ve become very familiar with it. Most of what I’m feeling so far is not consistent with plantar fasciitis (I don’t wake up in the morning feeling like my foot is going to mutiny against the rest of my body), but I know it starts mild and develops into a monster if not treated. I’ve also learned that if you stretch incorrectly or do the wrong stretches, you can make things a hundred times worse.

        1. CupcakeCounter*

          Look into a treatment for IASTM for plantar fasciitis – worked amazingly well for me. I compare it to a foot massage with a shrimp deveiner so not pleasant but very effective.

    5. fposte*

      I wouldn’t start with a podiatrist. The fact that the problem is showing in your heel doesn’t mean that’s the source of the problem–that’s just where the rubber literally meets the road. To be honest, I’d also resist starting out with an orthotic–if this is from something in, say, the knee or hip, which is pretty common, you could just be shoving the problem elsewhere. But “body alignment” is a complicated concept too–if your left leg is a little longer than the right, for instance, what’s being aligned there and what isn’t? (I wouldn’t put too much thought into the sole-warping–“same brand” doesn’t mean “same sole,” as production usually shifts around the globe at lightning speed and materials change.)

      What I’d do first is find a PT or trainer in your area who works with runners and get an assessment. If they’re good, they’ll look at everything, and if they’re smart, they’ll understand that the thing that’s weird isn’t necessarily the thing that’s a problem–that sometimes what looks like the problem is an adaptation necessitated by something else.

      In the meantime, go for the when-in-doubt strengthening–glutes, especially medius and minimus, which can get neglected in running. (I like side bridges the best.) And have a look at thegaitguys dot com for more delicious geekery about gait and running than you ever thought could exist in one place.

      1. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

        This is it. Start with PT and work on how your muscles fire. Getting orthotics alone will just throw you off.

    6. Hold My Cosmo*

      This is what my shoes looked like before I got PT for my bad knees. The exercises concentrated on strengthening my inner thigh muscles: inner leg lifts, plie squats, side lunges, and crossover extensions. The way it was explained to me was that my outer leg muscles were stronger and tighter, so they were pulling things out of alignment. Getting the inner leg muscles equally strong realigned everything properly.

      I am always going to be prone to this, though, and I was advised to stick to low- and no-impact exercise. I bought an elliptical, and was also told to swim. Running is a no-no.

    7. CW*

      Outside of a PT, if you have a major hospital in the area they might also have sports medicine doctors who can also provide a more comprehensive check on the legs to see if something is triggering the heel pain. Most insurance will cover that appt as a specialty appt, vs potentially you paying out of pocket for a PT or needing a referral to see a PT.

    8. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      I think you should try PT also, I’m currently in it for posture problems that have been giving me bad back pain and headaches. It’s been really helpful.

      Also, if you get pain in the back of your heels, that can be sciatic nerve pain from something in your back pinching your sciatic nerve. I get this too (piriformis syndrome), proper posture, targeted stretching, and core exercises helps.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I walked over on my shoes like that, but I did it with both shoes. It turned out to be heart rate thing, my heart was slow and I had a series of other issues dominoing from that. I got some vitamin B into me and I started staying on top of my shoes. I haven’t ruined a pair of shoes by walking over since then. YMMV, of course.

      Not for everyone, but I would suggest a chiropractor who also works with nutrition.

    10. Wishing You Well*

      Please don’t delay getting your heel pain diagnosed. I know two men with limps they ignored for months. Both of them lost several inches in thigh muscle diameter compared to the non-painful leg.
      DIY therapy could actually hurt you, if you do the wrong thing. I hope you post again, telling us you’re doing much better.

    11. Anonymous from IL*

      I found relief through Katy Bowman’s website and her book: Simple Steps to Foot Pain Relief. Instead of orthotics, she encourages barefoot walking and minimalist footwear, and helps you work on overall body posture and walking style. Some of her ideas are too extreme for me, but that book in particular was very helpful when I had heel and foot pain.

    12. Natalie*

      I’ll put in another plug for PT. I just finished a round for an ankle problem (sprained it as a kid, never healed propey, sprained it approximately 1 million times after that), and we worked on gait and posture issues as well. My therapist taught me some exercises I’m still doing now, even though my official sessions are over.

    13. Lilysparrow*

      Check out the Alexander Technique. It’s a system of learning ergonomic movement and releasing habitual tension/bad posture that’s used in a lot of drama schools. Helped me immensely, and I do a refresher periodically when I feel myself getting into bad ways again.

      You may find classes at a local college with a theater or dance department, and there are some useful books out there as well.

      Not a replacement for proper PT, but it can tide you over and will help make the PT stick.

    14. Sam Foster*

      A good Physical Therapist will be able to work with you to identify the problem and work with you to correct it.

  14. Handy Nickname*

    I need something to look forward to.

    I’ve gone through a lot of major life changes the last five-ish years, and now the last year or so everything has settled. My job’s not changing anytime soon, my living situation isn’t changing, my relationship status isn’t changing. I go to work and come home, make supper, clean my house, play with my animals, and go to bed. It’s just… meh. I really don’t have extra money right now (my dream is to drive to the airport and get on the first flight out for a week).

    And of course it’s cold and dark all the time, so I don’t want to leave the house after 5pm and plans with friends fall through frequently because of weather, plus the biggest city near me is about 50 miles away. I keep telling myself it will be better once spring hits.

    What do you do when you’re in a rut and want to shake things up?

    1. Earthwalker*

      My favorite thing in winter is to plan the gardens and plan vacations. When there’s not much money there are a lot of mini-vacations – local things to see, nearby camping or hiking trips, city events – that I can look forward to.

      1. L’il Sebastian*

        Plan vacations is also my go to! It doesn’t have to be happening soon – I frequently start planning mine a year in advance so I have time to save the money but still enjoy planning.

    2. Drastically unhip*

      Let yourself be bored? In all seriousness, maybe think of it differently, as recharging your creativity, hibernating to emerge in the (metaphorical or literal) springtime.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        +1 to this. Had an interesting time yesterday talking with my 17-year-old about the benefits of being bored every now and then, of letting his mind wander where it will without external (i.e., electronic, mostly) input, of the surprising things that float to the mental surface when one simply sits and watches the sky, the local fauna, etc.
        He didn’t buy it. I am, however, nothing if not persistent and will try again another time.

      2. Blinded by the Gaslight*

        I was just reading something about this recently–that we’ve been programmed to be BUSY ACCOMPLISHING THINGS ALL THE TIME, and if we’re not, then we’re lazy, boring, wasting time, etc. But there is real value in just letting yourself . . . be. I feel like we’ve lost the art (and permission? from who, I don’t know, but it feels like that sometimes) of just sitting around around and . . . thinking. Recently, I’ve been experimenting with coming home from work and NOT turning on the tv or music, and prepping dinner or doing chores in silence. I’ve been kind of amazed at how peaceful and not-boring that is, to just give my brain time without any additional input to do what it will do, think what it will think. Maybe find a way to work something like this in that works for you–take a walk without music, sit outside and just look at nature and listen to your own breath. Or, on the flip side, if you really need something to do, maybe develop a new hobby or volunteer? Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try but never have been able to? Learn an instrument, learn to dance, write . . . ? If you feel like you’re not creative (but want to be), I highly recommend “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. It’s a pretty amazing tool for rekindling (or freshly sparking) a creative spirit!

    3. kneadmeseymour*

      It may seem obvious, but I usually start a new craft project, enroll in a class or sign up for some volunteer work. Particularly in the winter, when I tend to get sick a lot and like to distract myself with indoor activities.

    4. Skylight*

      I try to change up little things within my routine. For example, maybe I’m in a cooking rut, so I look to see which old favorite recipes I haven’t made in years or I try out some new ones. Doesn’t really take any extra time but helps with the meh feeling.

      Also I just heard an interview with Ross Gay, author of the Book of Delights. He spent a year writing an essay a day on little things that were unexpected delights. It really changed the way he viewed his life. Maybe this book might provide an escape from the boredom?

    5. Lilysparrow*

      Rearrange the furniture, chop my hair off, plan the garden, try to learn a new DIY skill like making my own cleaners or video editing.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Clean a closet or an especially disorganized drawer.
      Check out what is going on at the library.
      Teach the animals a new trick or two.
      Catch up with old and dear relationships- friends or family.
      Get the extra rest you have been promising yourself.
      Sort though your clothes to see if there is anything to donate.
      Make a list of things you have always wanted to google and learn more about, then google those things.

    7. Misquoted*

      I try to learn something new — playing pool, baking new things, and most recently, crocheting. These are things that I found I really enjoy and continue to do (and aren’t too expensive). I’ve also tried other things that didn’t pan out for me. I took a cake decorating class with my daughters a few years ago, but decided I didn’t love it as much as I thought I would. I’ve recently tried several media of art (watercolor, fused glass, ceramic, etc.) at an art studio and found I liked some, didn’t much like others. But I enjoyed trying them and using a part of my brain that I don’t often use (my job is not a creative one).

  15. all the leaves are brown*

    Anyone want to weigh in on what we should do? DH and I keep going in decision-circles and I am curious to hear what the community here thinks.

    Here’s the situation: our family of four (me, DH and 2 daughters) live in an affluent town on the east coast of the US. We moved here about 15 years ago with our first child, choosing this town because the school system is so good. However, over the past few years, DH’s career has been in a slump, with no real signs of getting any better. He is a creative in advertising, where salaries and budgets have dropped tremendously. Also, he is older, just turned 60. So he now makes about 1/4 of what he used to, and it’s all freelance, so very unpredictable. And no real prospects for making more, though he is trying to bring in more work.

    I have a full time job, but don’t make a lot due to a career change a few years ago, combined with re-entering the workforce after being home with kids and only working p/t for a long time. So my salary is stable, but low.

    We basically cannot afford to live here anymore, especially as our taxes are high (18k per year). We have been dipping into savings to pay for living expenses for the past year and a half. One daughter is a senior and is going off to college in the fall. Don’t know where yet. We do have a fair amount saved in a 529 for her. The other is a sophomore.

    We are struggling with what to do. We have had the dream of moving to CA to be closer to family, and could sell the house here (our main asset) and move cross country, buying a cheaper house and lowering costs that way. We probably wouldn’t need a mortgage and taxes would be lower. Or we can stay here for the next 2 years until Daughter #2 finishes HS and keep spending down our savings, hoping that DH gets more work and I get a better paying job. (Daughter #2 is up for moving to CA btw)

    Do we:
    1. move to CA as soon as Daughter #1 goes off to college?
    2. stay and let Daughter #2 finish HS here, and keep spending our savings, then move, to CA (or somewhere else)
    3. some other option that I can’t see?

    (It was actually very illuminating for me to write this, may have gotten some clarity…. ! Also I will be on the road today but can respond to comments (if any) tonight.)

    2. Not A Manager*

      I also wondered about selling the house and seriously downsizing for 2 years in your current location.

      Moving during HS can be hard, but it’s not the end of the world. I don’t think you should jeopardize your own future safety just to keep your daughter in her current school, and I don’t think you’d really be doing her any favors to do so.

      If you can find a way to stay in your same location without drawing down your savings, that’s worth considering. Otherwise move. She’ll be fine.

      ALSO – California has some excellent junior colleges that will accept high performing high school students who test in. An option would be for her to move to CA with you and go to a local junior college for two years while living at home, then transfer into a four-year state school.

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        If your daughter has a friend she is close with (like cousin/relative close), she could stay with them during the school year, and come back home during summer/vacation.

        A relative had to make that decision. Moved to Arkansas from NYC. They let their son finish up high school, though he only had one more year.

    3. rmw1982*

      How does your younger daughter feel about moving in the middle of high school? Assuming she wants to finish high school where she is currently at, and you and DH are willing to stay until she graduates, can you realistically afford to postpone a move for another two years? And given that moving is not cheap, would you still have money for a cross-country move after two years?

      1. matcha123*

        Does it really matter what the daughter thinks? Unless she’s paying bills, she doesn’t really get a say in anything. If anything it looks great on college apps. She can talk about the hardship of moving to a different state with a different culture, how she had to adjust and find herself and how it changed her.
        If the daughter is interested in a college in that state, she’ll be eligible for in-state tuition.

        I’d say the most important thing for her would be to tell her early on what their expenses are like, why they are moving and then give her time to sort things out in her mind. It sounds like the parents are taking care of all of the household expenses, so unless the daughter is looking to work and chip in somehow she’s up a creek without a paddle.

        1. Saturday Wonderings*

          Gotta disagree with not giving the kids a say. Not saying the decision should live and die by the daughter’s word but I think it’s worth talking to the kids. I was already moved out, and my younger brother and sister in college but still at home for the summers, when our parents announced they’d bought a new house and were putting this one on the market. It was a shock to all of us that they didn’t talk to us about it, didn’t even give us a head’s up they were looking; it caused a bit of a rift between us kids and our parents because we didn’t feel included in something as important as selling our childhood home.

          Obviously, we would not have said ‘You’re not allowed to sell the house’, but we still would have liked to know they were thinking about it and had started looking. Afterwards, we understood the why (wanted to downsize, parents getting older and can’t keep up with the large property upkeep) but being included in discussions keeps a family connected.

          1. rmw1982*

            That was my thought. As a sophomore, I think she’s old enough to have her opinion considered about a major life change. Now, consideration doesn’t mean abiding by the wants of a 15-16 year old…there are definitely other factors at play here. But from all the leaves brown’s post, it does sound like moving their daughter in the middle of high school was a consideration. And not necessarily a bad one.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              OTH, she may surprise you with a new idea that you never thought of. So there is that, too.

          2. matcha123*

            I read “giving a say” as having vetoing power. Which is why I said they should tell her early on, so I think we’re on the same page! The earlier the HS student knows about what’s going on, the more time she has to prepare. But, if the parents are bleeding cash and spending X number of extra years there isn’t feasible, I don’t think they can really say “Cathy doesn’t want to move, so we’ll go in to debt to keep the house here.”

        2. BRR*

          You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes but I moved between sophomore and junior year and it was AWFUL. It’s terribly insensitive to not consider the daughter at all since she’s not supporting the household financially. Of course she’s not the primary bill payer, she’s in HS.

          1. ArtsNerd*

            I moved halfway through junior year. It was totally fine? Still extremely close with some of the folks I met in those three semesters.

            I know uprooting kids for no reason isn’t ideal but I’m surprised by how strong the reaction against it can be. Living in multiple places was actually really good and fun for me. I guess it’s different if you really really struggle to make friends, but I was at least as socially awkward as any other regular teen (probably significantly more so) and found my people quickly enough through shared interests.

            1. BRR*

              Oh yeah I’m not saying it’s automatically bad. And it’s moot for OP since their daughter is ok with it.

            2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

              It varies so greatly, you just never know with how a kid will react!

              Moving in junior high did a lot of damage to me and it wasn’t that far away. I don’t blame my parents at all or think we shouldn’t have done it, given my ability to see it with adult eyes now. But it really screwed me up because the school district we moved to refused to take my certifications from my previous school, dumped me into standard classes instead of my old advanced track. So I tanked and stopped caring about school quickly. I can see that being an issue for a high schooler even more so when grades are even more important than ever.

              It’s just like a divorce as well to be honest. Some kids are devastated and others take it fine enough. Life changes in childhood have a lot of consequences in the end. It’s important to always take the idea into consideration at the very least.

        3. Glomarization, Esq.*

          Not taking the teenager’s feelings into consideration would open the family up to 2 years of misery, I think. No, the kid doesn’t make the final decision. But if they’re blindsided with the news (at worst), or if they’re given no meaningful voice in the decision-making process, then the family risks having a move that’s more fraught than it needed to be, and a really unhappy time while the teen is still at home before leaving for post-secondary education. Could be traumatic for everybody, not merely good fodder for personal statement essays.

      3. all the leaves are brown*

        I imagine it would be tougher for my daughter to downsize here, than to just leave. But I will discuss this with her. This is a very status conscious town, full of investment bankers/VC people where all of a sudden people move to 2-3 million dollar+ houses. This has happened to a number of our friends. We all started out in similar value houses, but now many have moved up, while we are struggling to even stay in our “starter home”.

        I realize I am saying this as much about my daughter as myself…. hate to admit it, but it does affect me. My closest friends are on both sides of the economic spectrum, as are my daughters’, but it is not easy to be in a HS where the “haves” have so much. Where I grew up, there were differences in income levels, but the bell curve was much much larger in the middle. S0 say 10% upper, 80% middle and 10% lower where I grew up, vs the 70% upper, 25% middle, 5 % lower incomes in this town. Though this might just be economic life now, the shrinking of the middle class, as writ in my own life!

    4. Saturday Wonderings*

      Is it possible to downsize where you are for the next two years and not move until both kids are at college? From what I’ve seen of my cousins, though never experienced myself, moving during high school is really hard. College is far easier because the kids are ready to start transitioning but in high school, it’s not ideal. Of course, do what you gotta do to keep yourself afloat but I worry Daughter #2 would struggle to be moved halfway through high school.

    5. Book Lover*

      I would be cautious about continuing to spend from savings, but it sounds like you have significant equity and are in a better position than most. In a few years your husband can be on Medicare and getting social security if absolutely necessary so that is helpful.

      It sounds also like second daughter is open to moving. Given uncertainty in the housing market, I would be inclined to sell now, and you can be looking at reasonable options for a job in California versus renting locally for a while.

      But I am very risk averse.

    6. Kathenus*

      Since daughter 2 is up for the CA move, what about #3 being start job hunting in CA now, and let that help dictate the timing of the move? If you get a job soon, more sooner. If you don’t, wait until she graduates and if desired move then possibly w/o the job(s) lined up. And depending on how much you’re dipping into your savings now considering the suggestions below of possibly downsizing/renting in current location until the move. I’m a big proponent that moving can help kids develop great life skills, but also know that moving in HS can be rough. If it wasn’t for the fact that daughter 2 is supportive I’d suggest trying to find a way to stay until she graduates since the timing of the move is somewhat flexible so you do have the benefit of timing it around her schooling if desired.

      1. KR*

        Just adding some flavor – high school for me was very tough and I wanted to move. I knew my dad could not afford our house and was totally up for moving to a different town (no affordable apartment housing in our town) and he didn’t because he had some wierd idea that is was Imperative I stay in the same school growing up. I hated my school! I had almost no friends! I actively wanted to move! And now my dad has almost no savings because he drew them all down to stay in a house he couldn’t afford to keep me in a specific school and I would much rather have him have a nest egg so I don’t have to worry about him (and have this guilt that he is in bad financial shape because of me). Brown leaves, your daughter may not be crazy about her school or may be yearning for a new adventure or maybe just would rather have you guys be in good financial shape. Don’t beat yourself up over not keeping her in the same school unless you see signs she’s feeling the same way.

    7. fposte*

      You mention taxes being an issue, and then you talk about moving to CA. That could be a frying-pan-to-fire move on taxes, since CA has some of the highest taxes in the nation. Have you costed out the different income taxes and state taxes as well as the property taxes? If you’re currently in a state that doesn’t tax retirement payouts, have you factored in that California *does* tax retirement income outside of Social Security? If younger daughter is going to be in the state system for college (you don’t say but I assume it’s a possibility because it usually is), how will she fare in CA compared to where you are now–will her options be as good? If you guys don’t make more money in CA, will you be okay? Will there be increased cost in ferrying older daughter home from college on breaks and has that been factored in?

      To be clear, I think moving could well work for you–moving to be near family is often worth doing, and the fact that the younger daughter is on board is a key element that’s in your favor. I’m just putting out some specific money questions that I think you should be able to answer for yourself in making the decision. Good luck to you, whatever you choose!

      1. BRR*

        Yeah I was a little puzzled by this as well. Obviously I can’t say anything definitively because I don’t know all of the details but I’m confused at moving to CA for lower COL. Even places far outside the big cities can be quite expensive.

        1. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

          It sounds like she’s in Jersey or Connecticut now. That’s pretty comparable to a lot of CA in terms of cost of living. Bay area will be a little more expensive, Sac, SD, inland empire a little less expensive, and the 99 corridor even less expensive.

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, I focused on taxes because while you could get lower COL in CA than, say, Westchester County, you can also give away COL advantages in increased taxes. So run all the complex numbers.

      3. MRK*

        Also, it may be worth checking various state colleges/universities rules on “in state residents” if you’re daughters are looking at state schools. Some need a minimum time lived in state before you are considered a resident, moving there for college typically doesn’t count. Getting that in state resident status can make a huge difference in cost

        1. MRK*

          Just checked my alma mater since it was a state school. Current tuition and fees are:
          $13,000 in state resident
          $28,000 regional resident
          $36,500 all other students

        2. Reba*

          Yes, this could be another thing in favor of moving younger child to CA now, so she can have in-state tuition or take advantage of the CC-4-year transfer track, which is common and works well there.

          1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

            A lot of the CA schools are impacted, so it’s hard to get into them and even harder to graduate on time. If OP’s kid wants a “traditional” college experience, that may be out of the question in the CSU/UC system.

        3. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

          But also know that there’s a program out here called WUE, Western Undergraduate Exchange, which is a reciprocal agreement among certain schools in 13 Western states (incl. CA) to charge students who apply with neither in- nor out-of-state tuition, but instead with tuition at 150% of in-state rate. https://www.wiche.edu/wue

      4. all the leaves are brown*

        Thanks, fposte and everyone else in this branch. Great questions to consider. And some we hadn’t fully thought out, so I have some work to do.

        We would move to the town my brother lives in, in Ventura county. We could even stay with him for a few months while we look for a place to rent or buy.

        I think it is 3 years residency to qualify for in-state tuition, so for Daughter #2, we would be close, and she could do a gap year or community college for a year and then transfer.

        DH would have a fair shot at getting the same amount of work as he has contacts out there, and for me, well, again since I don’t make a ton and am fairly entry level, I think I would be able to get a job.

    8. Glomarization, Esq.*

      A few thoughts from spending most of my “top-earning” years un- and under-employed:

      One, I wonder how the math would compare if you downsized out of your house, sold it, and rented a smaller home in your current location for a couple of years. Along those same lines, why be so certain to buy a home in California if/when you get there? There’s a good argument to be made that property taxes, upkeep, and other risks/responsibilities of home ownership are for suckers, outweighed by the flexibility you’d have as renters.

      And two, beyond what’s in the 529, keep in mind that you don’t actually have to pay for your kids’ post-secondary educations. It’s not “nice” but it’s the reality that we’ve been in since my own child’s 529 money ran out. I’m not in a position to dip into my own savings or liquidate any assets. They can get their own loans and grants, or take extra time to earn their degrees, if they need to. I hope you’re not planning to pay for their educations with your own retirement.

      2. all the leaves are brown*

        Yes, 529s for their college – not our retirement funds! In 100% agreement about that.

    10. MindOverMoneyChick*

      Love the screen name :) Also I work with clients in situation like this to help them make clear decisions. It helps a lot to lay out all of the numbers and see the long term consequences of both choices. Here’s what that would look like if I were doing it for a client:
      1. Run their cash flow and see how much they were overspending every month/year. Also trim any part of the spending plan to minimize the losses.
      2. Make sure we know what their long terms goals were (college education and retirement most likely for you). How much does spending your saving impact that?
      3.Now look at the results. Does staying where you are mean sacrificing some important goals (retiring 10 years later, not being able to contribute to college, seriously erode your saving to the point where you don’t have a safety new). If not – you clear to stay. If yes, you then have a clear sense of what the trade-offs are and if they are worth it for you.

      This is a pretty high level summary of course; there’s lots of smaller steps you may need to take to get through items 1 and 2, if you aren’t already working with a plan. But the overall point is it’s so much easier to make these decisions when you know what the numbers really say rather than going with a vague sense of what the trade-off are.

      If you want a little more guidance you can email me (see link in name)

      1. all the leaves are brown*

        Thank you so much for this. It really helps to have some clear-eyed perspective. I didn’t see a link to your email, but your post confirms that we need professional help (probably in more ways than one :) ) to figure this out, especially the financial ramifications.

        This is of course about more than money – it has been difficult for DH to accept that this is his reality (unwanted semi-retirement). He keeps hoping things will get better, but we have to deal with the current reality. Which sucks in some ways, but in others – we have options and are certainly not destitute. I want to plan for this next phase of our lives and not be forced into making decisions we wouldn’t have made had we had the time/foresight.

        I am actually visiting my parents this weekend and going over wills and financial stuff with them. I am so happy that they are so proactive in all this, plus it is nice to spend some time with them.

        1. fposte*

          If you search her username in the search box, some of her prior posts have the link in the name, so you can get there that way.

    11. Paris-Berlin-Seoul Express*

      Option No. 3, move somewhere with a much lower cost of living. I’m not sure that moving to California will solve your problems unless your planning on living in Central California. Anything else sounds like going from the frying pan into the fire. Also, what about employment? Will both of you be able to easily find work wherever you’re planning on moving? Have you actually sat down and planned out the different options and their opportunity costs? In any event, good luck. Hope things work out.

    12. all the leaves are brown*

      Honestly, this is the best site on the internet. Thank you all for the thoughtful and insightful advice!

      I think job one once I am home again is to seriously run the numbers and get a true sense of where we are and where we think we would be if we did The Move.

      Yes, moving to CA is about both quality of life as well as COL. It would certainly not be anywhere near the top of our list for lowering COL, but the fact we have family there is why
      we would go there. The COL is less than here, but certainly not a ton.

    13. Chi chan*

      Would it be possible to rent out the house you own ? CA is a competitive job market especially for someone at 60 so my suggestion is apply other places as well and then follow the money. Can your daughter graduate early

    14. ..Kat..*

      Whatever you choose, you need a certified financial adviser or some such. Living above your means is toxic to your retirement (not blaming, I know you are in a rough spot. But if this does not stop, you and DH may not be able to retire). Also, stress to daughters that your resources are limited, so your assistance to them in college is limited. There are plenty of good, but cheaper schools out there.

      With daughter #2 being good with moving, move. But, make sure that you realistically understand what living in California means money-wise. It may be more expensive than you realize. I recommend buying small. Like 2 bedroom. When older daughter comes home for summers/college breaks, stress that daughters will be sharing a room. I say this because I am really concerned about your being able to retire in retirement. Also, what about moving to a cheaper state that is California-adjacent? Closer to family, but without the California prices?

      One thing to start now – clearing out your current house. You, DH, and daughters go through your possessions. This is a pretty time consuming activity. So the sooner you start, the better. Sell/donate what you no longer use. Paying to move this unnecessary stuff is expensive.

      Can you do anything to cut expenses or raise money now? Rent a room in your house?

      Good luck.

      1. all the leaves are brown*

        Yes, I am clearing out the house, albeit very slowly. Selling stuff via facebook and donating what I can’t sell. I shredded years and years of old papers. We sold 750 (!) cds last month to a used record/cd store. It is slow but we are making progress.

    15. Traffic_Spiral*

      CA’s the size of a small country, and some of it is very expensive. Where are you thinking of?

    16. Cherry Sours*

      Have you checked out real estate prices in California? See if they are actually cheaper than you are currently…Zillow might be a good place to start.

  16. Drastically unhip*

    I am going to start jogging next week after a 15-year break after having kids. I have a nice walk/run plan. What I don’t have is clothing. I have a jog bra, shoes, and socks, but no athletic wear. What do people wear that’s not leggings or pricy technical gear? I can’t afford anything fancy, and I don’t want anything tight or that makes me out to be a serious runner when I’ll just be trying to shuffle and wheeze my way to a 5k.

    1. all the leaves are brown*

      Old Navy is a great resource for reasonably priced – and in my opinion stylish – work out gear. Target too.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I was just going to say Old Navy. All of my workout clothes come from them and they’re great.

      3. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        I get yoga pants, leggings, and sports bras at Old Navy and shirts and running jackets from C9 at Target.

      4. ALM20*

        Another vote for Old Navy. I Crossfit 5-6 days per week for two years and I swear by Old Navy leggings. They’ve held up through a lot of wearing, washing, and drying.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Have you got any tracksuit bottoms/drawstring jersey pants? In UK we have Primark which do them quite cheaply, oh at ASDA too – if you’re in the US would Walmart do them? That and a t-shirt used to do me.

      1. Liza*

        Same here. I own “proper” running gear but prefer trackies (sweatpants in the US) especially in colder weather. And a cotton t-shirt is just as breathable as any athletic wear. I find these are perfectly comfortable up to about an hour, then I might want to switch up to something more specialised to prevent chafing. The bra, shoes and socks are really the most important.

        Also, never wear anything new on a long distance run. Test purchases on shorter stints first. There’s nothing worse than finding out your new shorts rub at the crotch when you’re five miles out from home and knowing you have to get back.

        1. coffee cup*

          I’m going to gently disagree that a cotton t-shirt is as breathable. It usually isn’t, and if it rains or you’re really sweaty and it gets windy, it will be more uncomfortable. It’s possible to get really cheap running tops from Decathlon or somewhere.

          I agree on the testing stuff out, though! I only recently managed to buy leggings that don’t start slipping down half-way round a short run, but I find it very hard to test that out at home.

    3. rmw1982*

      I buy my clothes from Thred Up (online consignment store). They have cute workout clothes at decent prices.

    4. Alex*

      Thirding Old Navy. They have a large athletic wear collection and have a ton of different shapes, styles, and fabrics.

    5. Extra Vitamins*

      Hanes makes inexpensive track/sweatpants. Target usually has them. Try the men’s section if you can’t find loose ones in the women’s – at their price point they aren’t cut all that much differently, no matter what the sign says.

    6. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Longtime runner here. Kohls, believe it or not, is really useful for affordable running clothing, and constantly runs sales. I’ve found that Old Navy’s clothing has gone sharply downhill in fit and quality, but it does have the virtue of being inexpensive.

      I don’t think great quality pants are particularly important and you don’t need super expensive running shoes if you’re running short distances; I’ve found that the $60 shoes work every bit as well as the $140 ones, but every body (literally) is different.
      One thing I’d try not to pass up is a technical running shirt — a regular cotton T-shirt doesn’t wick sweat well or at all, and will make you feel sweaty and miserable (and increase the risk of frostbite in cold weather). I think you can get one for under $20 from Kohls; a plain Asics shirt on Amazon runs about $25. Good luck!

    7. Epsilon Delta*

      Athletic clothes from Target or Kohls. Also old t-shirts and hooded sweaters, with regular leggings (not the ones from the athletic section). I personally don’t notice a big difference between the tech gear and regular cotton unless it’s very hot outside, but other people swear by tech material.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Believe it or not, BJ’s has some great gear at low prices. I’d assume Costco would be similar. That said, I’m no fashionista when I’m exercising, as long as my clothes fit and my jacket is visible in current conditions I’m a happy camper.
      (Bicycle & swimming for me…ru,ers may have issues I don’t get.)

    9. kneadmeseymour*

      I bought pretty much all of my workout gear from sports stores on clearance. There is also a good discount sports store where I live that sells athletic clothes and other sports equipment at a steep discount. I think it’s definitely worth investing in a couple of those lightweight, breathable shirts, which are much more pleasant to run in than a regular t-shirt, and can be bought pretty cheaply if you’re not too picky about what they look like.

    11. epi*

      Like most other people in the thread, Old Navy and Target are my go-tos. I find ON’s stuff a little better made, Target’s more trendy and fun. Target also has a better sports bra selection. Both are pretty similar though.

      I recommend getting a few pieces of real workout clothing because it can be really comfortable and flattering, and I always find it motivates me to work out so I can wear it. It will also be easier to hand wash and hang dry than regular clothing that’s simply old, so you won’t need to own as much. I have gradually increased my collection as a reward for working out often enough that I actually need it.

      Leggings are extremely popular right now for people doing any sport. If you haven’t run in a while, you may be surprised by how nice the newer ones can be– and even cheap ones will now usually pass the squat test. I’d recommend at least trying some on. Don’t get them if you don’t enjoy wearing them, but wearing proper gear won’t imply to anyone that you are a serious athlete– it’s just normal and functional. Especially if you just get the cheap stuff. :)

    12. Lilysparrow*

      When it’s cool enough for long pants, I wear yoga pants or sweats.

      When it’s hot, I have some straight-leg Capri pants, one in a poly mesh and one that’s more of a stretch cotton. When it’s super hot I wear bike shorts or an “active skirt” that’s sort of like a tennis skirt.

      None of them were expensive – Walmart/target or Salvation Army.

    13. LGC*

      I’ve actually found that the AmazonBasics athletic gear has worked well for me. (They have a LOT of stuff.) Yeah, it’s Amazon, but they have good prices and pretty good quality. The shirts I got have held up well with heavy use and I don’t think they look TOO technical.

    14. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I just wear super comfy clothes – other than my Under Armor bra, that is! I’ve got DDs and I need a great bra!
      I was never a runner. I’m not a natural – at.all. Some years ago a friend got me to try it out using the C25K app (couch to 5k). This app is fantastic!
      Due to health issues now resolved (can I get a huzzah for modern science & surgery?), I’m looking forward to starting again.
      FYI, I was in my late 40s early 50s when I started!

    15. Marion Ravenwood*

      Maybe Target? From what I’ve heard/seen on TV their clothing selection looks pretty similar to those in UK supermarkets, so I imagine it might include tracksuit bottoms and T-shirts/vests. I like Decathlon as well for more ‘technical’ stuff or when I want to try things out but don’t want to spend a lot of money. TK Maxx might be worth a look too, though it can be hit and miss. For ‘fun’ stuff, it’s a little more expensive (although they constantly have offers on), but I *love* the nerdy workout tops at Lookhuman.

      The other thing I haven’t seen mentioned is getting your gait analysed. I know you said you have shoes, but if you decide you like running it’s definitely worth going to a proper running shoe store and getting your gait analysed so you can get shoes which help balance you out.

      And FWIW, no-one worth their salt will judge you for having ‘proper’ running gear however fast or slow you are. I am by no means a speedy runner, but I personally like to have things like colourful fitted (but not tight) tops and leggings when I work out because it makes me feel good about myself, and no-one has ever said anything to me about it. At my parkrun people wear everything from loose T shirts and tracksuit bottoms to tight shorts and vests and anything in between, regardless of shape, size or speed, so don’t feel you can’t wear ‘technical’ or more fitted stuff if you want to!

      1. Three Pines Visitor*

        Check out your local Goodwill’s activewear section, especially just after a season ends. I’ve found amazing Danskin and Fila tops for less than $5 each.

  17. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

    Tl;dr: Should I offer constructive feedback about my frustrating experience to a group I’m volunteering with, even though I don’t have much experience and they’ve probably already thought about the problems or ideas I’d offer?

    Full version: I’m currently fostering puppies through a local rescue. I haven’t had a great experience and I’d like to offer the rescue some critical feedback on their application/adoption/foster communication process — but I realize that I’m relatively inexperienced and don’t know the ins and outs of their processes or the reasons for the various systems they’ve created.

    My feedback is primarily about the systems they use to receive, review, and accept applications and how they communicate with fosters about the applications they receive. It’s really inefficient and makes the process really slow, which means that adopters move on to other dogs and fosters don’t know what’s going on with a given application.

    The main problem seems to be that there isn’t a central tracking/application storage system; several times I’ve asked a question about an application and the person with access to the email inbox didn’t have access to the application so there was a 24 hour (or longer) delay while information was passed back and forth.

    Should I offer feedback based on my experience as a foster, or is it unhelpful given that I likely just don’t know why they do a bunch of things the way they do them?

    I’d also like to recommend that the rescue offer or require implicit bias training to the people who make decisions about dog placements (the folks that review applications or do interviews with applicants, and the fosters themselves, who typically have the final say). I’ve been surprised at the amount my own biases are affecting me in this process (I’ve identified that I have a clear vision of the kind of adopter I want, and it’s pretty clearly “someone like me.”) I’m someone who has done a lot of deep work to understand my own cultural lenses and deconstruct my biases and have a lot of experience in this area — so if I’m struggling with this I know it must be an issue for others.

    1. Fluffy*

      I have volunteered for animal rescue orgs in the South and Midwest. All their money and time is goes to care for the rescues, and the ppl running the org are deluged with calls about new rescues. They are so used to the current system that they just deal with it.

      So before giving them feedback, why don’t you look at other rescue orgs in the country and find out what system they use. Try to get an estimate of cost to set up and maintain. Then find a tech savvy animal lover in your area who would be willing to volunteer time. If you present an affordable solution with your feedback, they’ll be much more likely to act.

      It’s possible the org is dysfunctional; run by an inflexible control freak who is overstressed and burnt out. Then you may just need to be patient and wait until they step down. Animal rescue is a heartbreaking business

      As for the bias, again, I think you need to get involved with the screening process before giving feedback. People in foster orgs have to make quick decisions on whether someone will be a loyal and responsible pet owner. The stakes are high. Of course bias can creep in. But there may be other factors (job security, renting apt) that make a potential adopter less attractive. Your best bet is to get more involved in the nuts and bolts of the operation.

    2. stellaaaaa*

      Maybe 10+ years ago, I fostered dogs for a bunch of different rescue groups. They do great work, but I found that rescue people are pretty strange. Everyone has certain biases and specific ways of doing things, no one has time to do everything or try to improve, and I never really got enough information to do better at what I was doing. Also it was weird how many rescue groups had strong and mostly negative feelings about other local rescue groups. People were always in fights with each other! Eventually I simply gave up volunteering with rescue groups, and instead volunteered at an extremely well run shelter with a dedicated volunteer coordinator and a long-standing volunteer program.

      Some rescue groups would be grateful to have a volunteer with knowledge and experience in improving their systems, if it’s something the group has already thought of but didn’t have the expertise themselves to set up. But it sounds like the feedback you’d like to give them is not only about major changes/additions (not small changes) to their process, but that you’re also looking for them to take it over and implement, not help them implement. You can certainly offer feedback, but I honestly think that the average volunteer-run rescue group is not going to be able to act on large suggestions like these unless they have a volunteer also willing to put them in place. If not having these in place is negatively impacting your experience but you still want to volunteer, there is nothing wrong with volunteering for larger organizations with actual processes and guidelines, etc. which might be better equipped to take suggestions and act on them.

      1. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

        I’d be happy to help actually set up a new system, if they were game for it, and it definitely wouldn’t need to be complex to be vastly better than what they have now. Like, a Google spreadsheet, or even just consolidating to one email inbox with a robust folders structure (rather than a different email account for applications vs. foster communications, etc.)

        I also should have mentioned that I’m pretty involved with the org. I’ve been volunteering for two years (mostly as an adoption advisor, who does interviews with potential adopters). This is my third batch of fosters, but the first time I’ve really had to work with the adoption system — the others were adopted through one of our adoption events, which are a well-oiled machine. My current pups just haven’t been as popular and they weren’t snapped up at a M&G (yet), so I’m dealing now with our online app system that is the source of my problems.

        For example: a friend wanted to adopt one of my pups. She put in an application and got an email response asking for clarification about one of her answers. She responded and then never heard back from them. She texted me to ask what was going on, so I checked with the rescue and (after five days of back and forth because the foster communication people didn’t have access to the adoption email inbox and just kept insisting that there was nothing they could do until the application was forwarded to them) the rescue insisted that she hadn’t responded. It finally emerged that they just weren’t getting her emails, but if I hadn’t been following up on everything nobody would ever have known and her application would never have gone through (which was great, and she did adopt the pup).

        Technical glitches happen. But it was frustrating that there was no person who could tell me the status of her application.

        1. LLG612*

          I run a nonprofit that, while not a technical rescue, uses fosters for some of our younger dogs until they’re ready for foundation training (service dogs). Fostering is HARD, from both the foster perspective and the org perspective. Foster programs are often dysfunctional no matter how hard the org or fosters try. I’d say call around and ask other similar groups how their system is handled to give you some credibility. I’m also happy to talk to you about it though I don’t know my experience will be relevant.

        2. blaise zamboni*

          If you’ve volunteered regularly with them for several years, I think you’re actually a perfect person to bring this up.

          If you aren’t already familiar with the application and approval process, maybe you can open the conversation by asking for a step-by-step explanation of that, just to make sure you’re not reading the situation wrong? If you’re already familiar or the explanation confirms what you’re seeing, then hell yeah, let them know. The process as-is sounds ripe for losing potential adopters, who will go to other organizations with a more streamlined process. So I would politely tell them that until they address it. As a foster parent you’re very invested in finding great homes for these pups, and the system is preventing you from doing that. And since you only have so much space to offer, if you aren’t able to process applications and adopt out the dogs, you probably aren’t able to take in any other dogs that need foster homes.

          I know you already know all of that, I’m just so baffled. Your concerns are valid and this system has likely already hurt their mission. If you’re able to set up a better system for them, all the better, but even if you had no solution for them I think it would warrant speaking up. Good luck when you talk to them, and I hope the other pups find awesome homes soon!

    3. Gerald*

      My experience is that all rescues take up a lot of time, so only offer suggestions if you are willing to do some work.

      I think the next step would be to ask if they want help. No point in you spending a lot of time preparing options if they think everything is currently fine.

  18. AvonLady Barksdale*

    We started our dog on CBD treats last week. He’s getting older (he’s 8) and his anxiety has come back a bit. Recently it’s been pretty bad; we have some neighbors who do loud things at 2 or 3am and the dog sleeps in the front bedroom so he hears all of the doors slamming and people talking, plus we’re pretty sure there’s a possum living under the house. So there was a lot of middle-of-the-night barking. I made it worse by lying down with him, so then the barking increased because he just wanted his mama.

    The CBD has been awesome. We give him 2-3 treats a day, 2 mg of CBD each, so not even that much (he weighs about 67 lbs). He’s calmer and less bark-y. However, he has now taken to sprawling out on the carpet and it’s HILARIOUS. He has a dog bed, full use of the sofa and the guest bed (which is right off the living room), yet his new thing is to go into the guest room and let it all hang out while he snores. Intellectually, I am fully aware that there is nothing in those treats could be making him all blissed out, but still, we’ve had a good time making fun of him. My partner called him “Cheech” yesterday. I am a meanie.

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      Please tell me more! My dog is on Prozac and is still anxious and does not like strangers at ALL. What is this stuff that you are using and where do you get it? Did you ask the vet first? I would try almost anything to get my doggo to feel better and less stressed (he is a rescue).

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I didn’t ask the vet, but because my buddy isn’t on any other meds except Cytopoint (and he handles changes to his food/medicine really well), I was pretty confident he would be ok. I bought beef-flavored treats from a local company– we had a sample at an event at his doggy daycare– but people from my rescue group recommended Treatibles, which I’ll link to in a reply. If you have a dog store near you that features “natural” or “holistic” food, I highly recommend going there and seeing if they sell CBD oil or treats and getting a sample. They’re not really cheap.

        When we adopted our bud, he was very anxious but also very stoic. He loves people (stranger rubs are his favorite things in the whole wide world), but going out on the street meant encountering all kinds of dangers, like banners and plastic bags. We lived in Manhattan at the time– can you imagine? We now live in the south and he has a porch and a front yard and a back yard, and he has much improved, but he also has a WHOLE HOUSE to protect ALL BY HIMSELF. I’m convinced that apartment living was great for him because he had a whole team of other buds around.

        Anyway. Since your buddy is on Prozac, ask the vet about CBD. Some vets are a little reluctant to recommend them because OMG MARY JANE, but others think it’s a great option.

        Also, unsolicited advice… have you tried doggy daycare? Our bud goes once a week but it does wonders for his anxiety. I’m a big advocate.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Thanks! Yes he has been going To doggy day care for several years now. It’s weird because he loves everyone there and even when they get new people he does well with them. He only seems to have problems with the new people who come to house.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Ah, he’s guarding his space! Poor dude. Sadly, I have no advice, as my bud believes everyone who comes to his home is here to see him and give him rubs and should be greeted with tail wags and occasional bonks.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Is this something that has to build up a level, or could it be used as needed? My whippet mix gets super anxious about car trips, which just makes her vet visit even harder than it already is, and the med the vet prescribed for her last time didn’t really make much difference.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I’m told dogs do best if the treats/oil are given regularly. Have you tried Benadryl for her car trips? Some friends do that and it seems to do the trick. Doesn’t knock them out like it does humans but does help keep them calmer.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      You might be able to decrease the CBD treats now. (A maintenance dose might be much smaller than the starting dose.)
      Also, get rid of the possum! The middle-of-the-night barking isn’t helping your quality of sleep!
      Other ideas: Remember the Thundershirt? There’s also a sound-muffling kennel that’s probably pricey, but you could use a regular kennel with a heavy quilt over it to make a nice hidey-hole for your dog.
      Your dog sounds adorable, BTW.

  19. Raia*

    Alteryx, how do I get experience without spending for the license and only able to use my personal time to learn it (having no license or business need to have it at work)? If I go through a course/online tutorial series, will it really help without having the software? Any suggestions on nonprofits that use it where I can volunteer and learn the ropes? Let me be clear that I cannot obtain the experience through my workplace, which is why this post is on the weekend thread, so please focus suggestions on outside work arenas. Thanks!

    1. AndersonDarling*

      I can’t recommend any tutorials or anything, but I can tell you that if you have a good understanding of relational databases, then you can learn it incredibly fast. I watched all the tutorials on the Alteryx website and was building complex flows in a day.
      If you can download the 14 day free trial, you can gt really far just by playing around, and there are tutorials built into Alteryx to help you as you go.

      1. Raia*

        Thanks for this! I’ve heard knowing R and working through SQL is super helpful, but I’m just not there yet. I appreciate this, since people have made Alteryx seem intimidating to work with.

  20. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    There was a thread a few weeks ago that involved a concert at the Barclays Center (Brooklyn), so I’m hoping maybe some AAMer out there will know: Is it realistic to get a taxi/car service there after a major concert?

    We’re seeing a show at Barclays next week that I anticipate will end around 11 pm, about the hour that mass transit in NYC becomes essentially useless.

    Are there taxis waiting after the concert? Is it easy to do an Uber/Lyft there (I’ve never done either)? Will they do crazy surge pricing for a major event? If I do a non-Uber cab waiting on the street, will they try to rip me off? I’m trying to figure out if I should:

    (1) risk a taxi, when I’ve never taken one outside Manhattan;

    (2) park in a lot for $50 (!!) and risk not being able to get out of the lot for an hour due to crazy post-event traffic, and then probably not be able to park within ten blocks of home due to the late hour, but at least have the comfort of our own car;

    (3) take the subway, which involves a 15-minute walk at a late hour once I reach my stop–when we’ll also be exhausted–and hope for the best.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      A green “Boro” taxi– one that can only be hailed outside of certain boundaries in Manhattan– won’t rip you off (at least, not any more than a taxi in Manhattan would). They’re metered. I can’t imagine there wouldn’t be a line of them waiting outside the Barclays Center after an event.

      Not sure about Uber/Lyft options from there; the last time I was at the Barclays Center was a while ago, but I just got on the train at Atlantic and went home.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thanks – I’m hoping for a green taxi, but I’ve never been in the Barclays area that late and have no idea if it’s realistic to get one. During the daytime, I usually just see black cabs (Lincoln Town Cars driven by private taxi services) by the supermarket across the street.

      2. Thursday Next*

        There’s a designated Lyft pickup point outside Barclay Center. It’ll probably be crowded after an event, but you’ll get a ride.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Also, parking in the neighborhood has gotten really scarce over the last several years, so I wouldn’t risk driving and not being able to park in the garage when there’s an event that will be drawing a big crowd.

    2. Drastically unhip*

      Ubers come out to Brooklyn. Out to Queens, even. But honestly I would just take the train. Way easier, and they run all night.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I live in Brooklyn. I’m well aware that Ubers run everywhere. I just don’t particularly like the way they conduct their business, and so I don’t use them.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Is it possible to take the subway to your stop, and THEN go inside a 24 hour store and call an Uber for the 15 min walk home?

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        To clarify what I wrote above, safety is not our worry – it’s the fact that we’d be exhausted. We’re morning people to an almost ridiculous extreme, but this show was too good to pass up.
        If we took the train home, we’d probably just suck it up and walk.

        1. ..Kat..*

          But, safety is an important consideration. Will you be traveling alone, or will you be with at least one other person?

    4. Mimmy*

      As Drastically unhip says, the trains run pretty late–I know NJ Transit does–so you might be able to take a subway from Brooklyn and get a train home. Uber and/or Lyft probably would do surge pricing if a lot of people use them to leave the event (Barclays is an arena, right?)

      Have fun!!

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          No worries! Although the way our particular train runs, it might as well be NJ Transit!

    5. CW*

      Since it’ll be an event there will be a fair number of cabs around. I suspect that it’ll be pretty difficult to flag one down though since everyone is going to want to take one of them o avoid surge pricing. If you’re ok with paying a few extra dollars, I highly recommend reserving a black cat ahead of time. I used to use Dial7 and they are incredibly reliable and seamless with pickups. You can Google it for the site and do online reservation or call 18007777777 (so catchy I still remember this years later). There are also a lot of Dial7 coupons floating around if you Google for it, ranging from 5 to 10 off. I continue to use them for airport pickups etc to avoid surge pricing and have never had a bad experience.

    6. Death sucks*

      I live a few blocks away, and here’s my two cents.
      1)Definitely don’t drive. There is so much other construction within a few blocks that traffic is even worse than usual.
      2) even with crowds, the green cabs are pretty plentiful. If there isn’t one right at the stadium you might walk a few blocks up Flatbush toward manhattan—City Point/Fulton Mall usually has them.
      3) the MTA subway and bus time apps are pretty accurate these days and since you’re literally on top of the station you can get a pretty good instant sense of whether the subway is worth it.
      4) if you want to preschedule a car service, I recommend Arecibo. They’re a few blocks away, their prices are super reasonable (last time I took them was to jfk at 4:30 am and it was half the price Lyft was quoting), and they’ve upped their scheduling game a lot to compete with Uber etc. I’ve almost never had to wait more than 5-7 minutes; if you called when you left your seat they’d likely be waiting, but you can also prebook if you know what time.
      5) you may be able to get a better deal/wait time w/Lyft if you pick an address a few blocks away—use a restaurant in the right direction of travel, say, and meet them there.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        All of my friends in Brooklyn LOVE Arecibo. They’re apparently very good with pets and car seats.

      4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thank you. Exactly what I was looking for, this is really helpful.

        Typing this out caused me to instantly eliminate driving as an option.
        What I could do is park near my home station, but we might do a cab of some sort and hope for the best.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      That was me asking about transportation and driving within Brooklyn. We’re going to the HOF induction ceremony on March 29. We plan to drive to the hotel (from CT and downstate NY), which is six miles from the Barclay’s Center, and then take the subway to and from the venue.

      Good luck! And please check in afterwards to let us (me!) know how it went.

    8. ..Kat..*

      I use Lyft and Uber a lot when I travel. I agree with you about the business model. I recommend using them – there will be a surge price, but the convenience will be worth it, especially when you are exhausted. If you are not sure, put both the apps on your phone now and set them up with a credit card, that way you have the option if you change your mind. A safety feature that I like on Lyft and Uber is that you get a license plate number and a picture of the driver. (Verify these before you get in a car.) I have found Lyft (my preferred, since (I hope) they have not treated women and minorities as poorly as Uber) to be a good value for the price. You can also reserve a ride the day before =)

      I cannot comment on the cab stuff – just don’t have the experience.

      Personally, I would not drive and pay for parking. Hate the price, hate the traffic, hate the hunt for parking.

      Good luck, have fun, be safe (stay sexy and don’t get murdered…)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        It’s reassuring to hear that Uber/Lyft send a license plate number; on top of the safety aspect, I was wondering how we we would find our Uber in a sea of Ubers. (I definitely live under a rock.)
        I’m definitely NOT driving my own vehicle. Thanks for the info!

        1. Hazelthyme*

          In addition to the license plate #, the app shows you a map where you can track where your Lyft is and how soon it’s arriving in real time. While I’ve found the “10 minutes away/ 5 minutes away” estimates are usually wildly optimistic, by the time it gets to 2 & 1 minutes away, your ride probably is just about there, so that’s when you start scanning the sea of rideshare vehicles for your red Kia & the license plate. In places where there’s truly a mob scene of people & cars (looking at you, ORD), I’ve also been known to text the driver with a few descriptive details (curly hair, grey jacket, big red suitcase, standing right in front of Door 4).

        2. Gingerblue*

          The last Uber I took also had an LED sign in the window. It glowed purple, and the Uber app turned purple to match. Since I was at the airport and there was a large crowd of Uber pickups, this was really helpful for finding mine. It was the first time I’d seen this, though; I don’t know if it’s only certain cars or if they’re rolling it out in select cities or if it’s a new feature everywhere.

    9. mreasy*

      Taxi demand will be high, but you may be able to snag one. If not, walk a few blocks away to a quieter area and call an Uber/Lyft. Unless you’re convenient to one of the subway lines that runs there, in which case it would probably be your best bet! (I don’t so I always do a taxi/car.)

  21. ElspethGC*

    Has anyone ever had a time in their life when they think back to an advice column letter and just see themselves reflected?

    I’m currently sat in my university library – not on a silent floor, I like lots of quiet background conversations as white noise – and I’m getting some serious flashbacks to that one AAM letter from the OP who wanted to know what to do about the complaints from their coworker about OP’s burping and farting.

    *So much sympathy* to that one coworker right now. The guy sat a couple of seats over from me has spent the last three hours sniffing every three seconds or so, interspersed with burping every ten minutes. I. Am. So. Done. I can’t listen to music because my phone is dead and I forgot to bring my laptop charger so don’t want to run the battery down faster than necessary, but this is incredibly frustrating and distracting. I can’t imagine having to work in these conditions day in, day out.

    Seriously. The sniffing. Just blow your nose. Except he won’t, and I think he thinks he’s being polite because I’m pretty sure he’s an exchange student from our Chinese campus, where sniffing is apparently more polite than blowing your nose. Polite, maybe. But oh my god, I’m going to stab someone before this day is out.

    1. Lena Clare*

      I guess the advice would be – say something to him! But I totally sympathise and probably would try to move somewhere else where I couldn’t hear :/

      1. ElspethGC*

        Oh no, I’m far too British to actually want to say something to a stranger! Much easier to suffer in silence. (No, really. It would be mortifying.)

        I’m going to grab a coffee in a second, so I’m going to scout out other potential seating options on the way. I have weird proportions and a bunch of tables are too high to be ergonomic for my long arms/short torso combo, so there are only a few specific tables I can sit at for any length of time without getting a bad back. Time to see if one of the others has come free in the last few hours. Either that, or I’m going to steal an adjustable desk chair from the other side of the library and wheel it across to an available too-high table.

        1. ElspethGC*

          Update: I have hot chocolate, and I’ve found one of the much-coveted padded booths that are actually the right height for me to type comfortably! And no more sniffling. Joy of joys.

          I wonder, in countries where sniffing is the culturally accepted way to do things, is it a less annoying and distracting sound? How much of it is my brain going “This is not something that is acceptable to do in public”, and how much of it is that it’s just a really annoying noise?

            1. ElspethGC*

              The librarians get involved if people are being a nuisance on the silent floors (there’s an anonymous ‘helpline’ where you can give the seat number of the offender and they’ll come up and tell them to be quiet) but this was the floor where you don’t need to be quiet. People have fairly loud conversations – if I told a librarian that I wanted them to tell someone to stop sniffing, I think they’d be pretty annoyed with me. I don’t need complete silence or anything, which is why I’m fine being on that floor; it’s just *that* specific noise, two seats over, repeatedly, was very much not fun. Not really the librarians’ business.

    2. rmw1982*

      I sympathize. I was oncr on a long-haul flight from Taiwan to Seattle and seated next to a sniffer. Ear plugs plus earbuds kept me from committing murder at 35,000 feet.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        I went straight to handing a tissue to the sniffer behind me on the plane. We hadn’t even taken off but it was that or commit murder. Which, I think, would be OK because no jury in the world would convict someone for acting in extreme self defense, but I didn’t want to go through all that.

    3. matcha123*

      I’m American and a sniffer and I’ve spent my life being told to just use a tissue.
      Yes, that would be a great option…if I could actually blow snot out of my nose. Guess what? When I blow my nose when it’s stuffed up, nothing comes out! In order for something to come out, I have to push one nostril closed, take a deep breath and blow until my ears pop. And then I have to spend time literally digging snot out of my nasal cavity.
      Sorry if that is too graphic of an image for you, but sniffing is really my best and quickest option. I also don’t care if people sniff around me. I do care if people sneeze into their hands because that spreads germs and is disgusting. Sneeze into your elbows, heathens! /s

      1. WellRed*

        I just came from the grocery store where I watched someone sneeze loudly into their hand. Full on cringe.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        27 months after a minor rotator cuff tear, I’m finally mostly recovered from the resulting frozen shoulder. For many months I could hardly wash my hair, let alone move my arm far enough to sneeze onto my sleeve.
        Sorry to anyone I inadvertently offended.

        1. blaise zamboni*

          I’m sorry to hear about your injury. But…unless you’re missing your other arm, just sneeze into the other elbow? And if you are missing your other arm, sneeze into your (non-injured) shoulder, or sneeze into a tissue. Basically any contained surface that isn’t your hand, especially the palm of your hand, especially your dominant hand. It’s not really about offending people, it’s about limiting the spread of bacteria in public spaces.

          Glad your injury is recovering alright, if slowly. Shoulder injuries are gnarly. Best wishes that you continue to heal and strengthen!

      3. Beatrice*

        Sounds like a lot of your congestion is actually swelling. A saline nasal spray might help break up the mucus so it’s easier to get out…that helps my son tremendously.

    4. kneadmeseymour*

      Ugh. Sniffing is one of those sounds that really bother me too. I once watched a community theatre production of Les Miserables next to a guy who seemed to be competing with himself to see how loudly and obnoxiously he could sniff, every couple seconds or so. And then in the second act he decided to build on the performance with some weirdly loud stubble and armpit scratching. All of this for three hours, and I swear he drowned out even the big group numbers. Why didn’t I just leave at intermission, I ask myself.

    5. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      I have BAD dust allergies. My college’s library was a big trigger for me. Sniff sniff achoo.

    6. Paris-Berlin-Seoul Express*

      I currently live in South Korea and it’s totally impolite to blow your nose in public.

  22. RMNPgirl*

    Did anyone see the trailer for HBO’s documentary on Elizabeth Holmes? I can’t wait for it. I read John Carreyrou’s book Bad Blood and could not put it down. It was jaw-dropping what she was able to get away with for so long! I’m a medical lab scientist and everyone I know in the field was questioning what she was claiming from the beginning. When you don’t have any scientists on your board and the few people trying to raise questions are pushed aside; I guess you can keep the ruse going for a lot longer than you should have been able to.

    3. WellRed*

      Think I also saw mention that there would be something on like, Dateline soon? Been reading this week about her telling everyone her untrained husky was a wolf.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, God, that was the part that pushed me over the edge. Apparently I can deal better with people committing millions of dollars worth of fraud than vanity misrepresenting your dog and putting him at risk thereby.

        It reminds me a lot of the Dan Mallory thing, though; sell yourself as a posh and attractive white person and apparently you can get lots of people ready to climb on board.

    4. Book Lover*

      The book is absolutely insane. And this from someone who thought that is was a scam from the beginning, pretty much (I am in the medical field and had an illuminating chat with our lab director). The podcast is interesting because you hear her voice, which is described in the book but you don’t realize how strange it is until you hear it. I will certainly watch the documentary.

      1. fposte*

        Ooh, I’m fascinated by the notion that others in the field were just waiting to see when people would figure out that Theranos had no clothes.

        The voice thing doesn’t bug me that much, but maybe if I hear more of it I’d have a different take. I get some conflicted feelings around parts of the narrative that seem to be about gender rather than fraud.

        1. Book Lover*

          I think the point with the voice is that it was a put on, though. She had a different voice and purposefully changed it. I can see your point, though.

          If you look at the board, you see there weren’t high level medical people involved. A bunch of politicians and military, basically. Someone I know who says he was headhunted asked for info before agreeing to a position because he didn’t think what they were saying was technically feasible and didn’t agree to proceed because they wouldn’t follow through with any details.

          1. ElspethGC*

            Deliberately changing your voice to be taken more seriously isn’t uncommon, though. Margaret Thatcher, of all people, had vocal training and adopted a completely different voice after being mocked in the Commons and media for being ‘screechy’. She probably would never have made it to PM if it wasn’t for that.

        2. Lemonwhirl*

          Yeah, the Bad Blood book made such a big deal about her voice and never outright said it but the implication is “oh look, we should’ve known she was a fake because look at how she trickily changed something as fundamental as her voice.” That completely pinged my gender radar and annoyed me even though I really enjoyed and was impressed by the book.

          In the podcast, it’s fascinating to hear all the voices of the people involved and although there is a lot of commentary on her voice, someone at least says “she probably worked on it to be taken seriously in the male-dominated world.”

    5. Mashed potato*

      I was watching fyre island YouTube videos And she popped up on my recommendation. You know it’s fishy when you don’t have anyone with medical industry on board and no FDA approval?!

      Also there was the she wasn’t using her normal voice thing, and other stuff her employees have talked about on those YouTube videos I watched.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Ha, someone here recommended I read more about her when I was re-editing my book. I ended up basing some of my villain’s mess on her mess. :)

      I’d love to see this, but I don’t have cable or HBO’s app, so I’m hoping it will end up on Amazon or Hulu or somewhere I can actually watch it.

    7. Mazzy*

      Didn’t see the trailer, but this must be so juicy from your perspective since you’re a scientist! I binge watched interviews with her last month. I never paid any attention to her, so watched a few years of her developing. I went from anger to feeling sorry for her, because she seemed so invested in that persona of a turtle-neck wearing multi-millionaire who spoke slow and paused often to add emphasis, but there wasn’t substance behind it. I also saw a clip where her voice skipped up to what must be her real voice, and that made it weirder.

    8. Lemonwhirl*

      I am so obsessed by this story. I listened to the audiobook recently and am listening to the podcast. (I wondered would I be bored by the podcast, but I’m not. It’s fascinating to hear the actual people talking.)

      The willingness of people to believe things, especially things they think will make them a lot of money is fascinating. I also wonder if maybe there were some good ideas in there, somewhere, and if they’d been incubated differently with a focus on discovery and real invention rather than on making a billion dollars, that the story would be completely different.

      So many different themes and threads of interest in it – I look forward to the documentary.

  23. Negative Nancy*

    Does anyone have advice on how to generally be less negative?

    I’ve been under a lot of stress the last couple months and I’ve noticed that I “release” it by verbally complaining and being negative about everything. All the time!

    Every week I tell myself I am going to start focusing on positive things and if I catch myself complaining I’ll just stop and redirect, but it doesn’t seem to work. As soon as I start complaining I just get more and more worked up and complain about more and more things.

    I’m worried I’m turning into a toxic personality. I’ve noticed others who are close to me complaining more frequently now as well, probably because I’m making the space for it and encouraging it.

    Any strategies that might work?

    1. Overeducated*

      I attempted to give complaining up for Lent once. I didn’t succeed entirely but I think it helped.

    2. knitter*

      I hear you–My husband just told me that when a friend asks how things are going, I always start with the terrible things.
      There has been a lot of crappy stuff happening and I’m having difficulty problem solving. I’m thinking about the bad stuff a lot so it’s the first thing I think to share.
      After a few fails of starting with the negative right away, I made myself think about all the things that are going well. So maybe instead of focusing on not saying negative things, in the times you’re by yourself, focus on thinking about the non-stressful things. Train your brain then. Also, if you do say something negative and catch yourself–It’s totally fine to say something to whoever you’re talking to-eg-“I’ve noticed I’ve been super negative recently, and I’m trying to work on it” . Sometimes naming it at the time will help you head it off earlier in future conversations.

    3. WellRed*

      I think even just recognizing you do this could help you pause in that moment before giving vent to a complaint.

    4. Helpful*

      Definitely a gratitude practice or journal would help. List three things in the morning and the evening.

      When you catch yourself complaining, think of something related you’re grateful for. “I hate work ——> I’m grateful I have a job to pay my bills.”

    5. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      Maybe finding a good place to release and talk it out is a good thing.
      I’m a little baffled by our society’s insistence on positivity. I have a long time friend who is going through a really rough time. In the last three years, she had cancer and surgery, chemo and radiation along with it. Those treatments have left her with chronic pain. Her husband left her partway through her treatment. She finished treatment, her twins went off to college, and her dog died. Then she lost her job and eventually her home. She moved in with her parents at the age of 48. In the last 6 months, both her parents passed away, her siblings made her move out so they could sell the home, her cancer came back and her new dog died.
      And a couple days ago on FB she was talking about how hopeless she feels and how she’s struggling to find the strength to go on and start another round of treatment without her parents, a spouse or her adult kids nearby, and some glassbowl chided her for not being positive, saying FB needs more positivity. He them tagged her in a post challenging her to post a beautiful photo to FB every day for 30 days.
      Sometimes life *is* hard. Why is it “bad” to talk about hard stuff? IMO there’s nothing wrong with releasing by venting or complaining, and a compassionate empathetic listener can really help in a way no gratitude journal or stuffing “negativity” can.

      1. fposte*

        I agree with you on the emphasis on positivity being overdone (I know Barbara Ehrenreich is in hot water right now, but I still like Bright Sided), and nobody should tell somebody else to be more positive. But there is a lot of good research about complaining being worse for your worldview and mental health overall rather than better. It’s not bad to talk about hard stuff. It’s not good for you to default to talking about bad things and talking badly about things. I think there’s a middle ground between the two.

          1. fposte*

            She did a dumb weird tweet about Marie Kondo and speaking English that got worse each time she tried to improve it. I’m really baffled by it.

            1. Washi*

              I found that tweet fascinating – it seems to really hit on the head what some people seem to find so unsettling about her. That she can seem so “other” to white Americans (because she is non-English speaking, philosophy very influenced by Shintoism, anti-consumerist, etc) and yet be so popular makes us re-evaluate our own cultural dominance and wonder if maybe we are or will soon be the other, the minority. And white people aren’t used to thinking like that.

              1. fposte*

                Except I think that there’s some skeevy Orientalism involved in her popularity, too. There’s an interesting piece by a philosophy prof focused on East Asia that articulates some of my discomfort there. I’ll post it in followup.

                2. Not So NewReader*

                  Loved the link , thanks.

                  We will latch on to any good idea in our quest to find the real meaning of life. Just because an idea is good, does not mean we will find the meaning of life. No single magic bullet answers.

                3. Elizabeth West*

                  I like her ideas because they’re easy, not because they’re exotic or mystic in any way. I found I was already doing some of the things she suggested, which made it easier to try the things I hadn’t.

                  Plus, anyone who can fold a fitted sheet like that is a damn genius no matter what her culture.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        There is a time when you have legitimate reasons to be sad. Your friend has reasons in spades!

      3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        Holy…woah. I hope that facebook dude had no idea what she was going through because I’m floored someone could be so grossly horrible to someone in such a horrible maze of bad moments :( But part of me knows that there are nonsense humans out there who despite knowing your life is shattering around you they try to pull some “life is good, why you hefta be so negative!!” nonsense.

        When my dad was in treatments, I was unnaturally positive on my own time because it got me through the whole thing. It’s my default and it helped pull him out of the darkness he experienced from fighting cancer. I cannot imagine a person going through it all alone which is what it sounds like for your friend. Woah woah woah.

        There are legitimate reasons to be negative and sad and in the dumps, as a positive person you need to be there to catch a person, not just kick them and chastise them…that’s not positive either. It’s not positive to say “hey post some happy pics instead of talking about your sadness!” That’s just frigging deflecting and it’s grosssssss and doesn’t work. ARGH!!! My heart is broken for your friend.

    6. fposte*

      NN, this may seem counterintuitive, but one thing that lifts me when I’m feeling crabby is to do something kind for somebody else. It can be as simple as letting somebody in the traffic stream when I’m driving or telling somebody they dropped something, or, at work, telling somebody thanks or, if somebody’s been really good, letting their boss know that. Often complaining is about feeling powerless, and taking even a small positive action makes me feel like I have some agency in the world.

      Oh, and get up and go for a walk, if you can; even up and down the stairs or around the block. Moving the body is one of the best things you can do for yourself in any situation. And again, your body feels less like prey and more like you have control when you’re up and moving.

    7. Mimmy*

      I’ve been noticing the same thing about myself lately, both at work and at home. My husband teases me saying “so full of hate!”. I’m always telling my students to not be so hard on themselves or to reframe some of their negative self-talk; yet, I don’t always practice what I preach.

      I do occasionally find the motivation to soak in a simple pleasure, like a warm, sunny day or a nice hot shower. It’s more of a mood-lifter, but improving the mood can certainly help fend off negative thoughts.

      I will keep my eye on this thread for other ideas.

    8. AndersonDarling*

      If there is something that is causing the negativity, like work or family, then schedule decompression time after you are exposed to it. My hubby’s therapist recommended this for him, so new he comes home and spends an hour doing a hobby/listening to music before reconnecting with his home life. It’s like going through a mental airlock.

    9. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

      Focus on finding something good in every bad situation. Even if it’s small or stupid and you’re just saying it’s good for the sake of this exercise. E.g. I was in a car accident and my car’s in the shop for a month, but now I know a good auto body guy if I need work done in the future.
      When I first started doing this about 10 years ago I felt like a big, Pollyanna dork. Even though it was just to myself. But after making that effort over and over it became second nature. To the point where I’m really a genuinely optimistic person now. It’s a much more pleasant way to experience life.

    10. Reba*

      A friend (this is second hand so I can’t report on how well it actually worked) tried a thing where they limited their complaining strictly, and actually wrote the things down in a list. So each day she only got three complaints, for example, then she had to stop. Sorry, used up all the complaints for the day, talk about something else.

      You might also look for some cognitive behavioral therapy resources on retraining thought patterns. If you search for “retraining thoughts” and “challenging negative thoughts” you’ll find a lot of articles and worksheets. It’s basically the redirecting that you are trying, but you might have to do it in a way that is much stronger, stricter, and perhaps feels more contrived (like the list idea above). And you have to not just turn away the thoughts but replace them.

      (Also, if it is possible for you, more physical exercise or a new hobby.)

      It can take a long time to reshape mental habits. It’s great that you have recognized this in your thinking, that’s the start. Good luck!

    11. kneadmeseymour*

      This might not be your thing, but I found mindfulness was a good way to redirect unhelpful thinking patterns. It might sound a bit new-agey, but it’s really all about learning to step back and review your mental habits from a more emotionally neutral place, so that you can have more agency rather than letting them drive you, if that makes sense. Although I’m sure some people have more success with it than others. Rather than trying to stamp out negativity (or whatever your issue may be) it lets you observe when negative thoughts arise and acknowledge them, but not feed them.

    12. HeatherB*

      Have you ever heard of a movie called “What the Bleep do We Know?” It’s a little hard to explain but it’s about quantum physics (in a very understandable way). It talks about negativity and what you attract in life. I realize it might not be for everyone but it made me really take a look at the way I talk to myself and the way I view myself. You can probably find it free to stream somewhere.

    13. Koala dreams*

      Keep a complaining journal, and write down all you complaints in the journal. That way you have an outlet that isn’t people around you.

      Some people find it to be helpful to start the day with positive thoughts. Say three positive things to yourself in the mirror, or similar. Maybe try that?

    14. lapgiraffe*

      I found myself feeling very negative a few years ago, had a sort of out of body experience while I was with a newish friend, its like I could see myself and I didn’t like what I saw. On one hand, it was the moment I started to move in a direction of understanding my depressive nature, and getting treatment for that has been very helpful. But that might not be the case at all for you, so the practical things that started to help were:

      1) I started to walk. I would make a plan for a nice walk every single day. I’m in a large enough city so some days it would just be a random loop in my neighborhood, other days I would pick out a path I’d always driven by or heard about and finally go walk it, or go to a different part of the city and make a loop. I would shoot for 30min minimum, sometimes I’d listen to music or podcasts, other times I’d do it in silence. And I made a point to look around more, notice what was around me, see things I hadn’t seen before when I’m either walking past with a purpose just to get somewhere or driving around and not being able to focus on the little things. I’m not one for the sitting quietly kind of meditation, but the walking became its own meditation. And I found when I was focusing outward, I could find a bit more peace and have more control over feeling so terrible inwardly, and thus having less reason to vomit out negativity into the world.

      2) Tap into something like a podcast, a book, a tv show – anything that, again, takes your brain away from whatever frustrating things are happening in your life and onto something new and interesting and enriching. And with that, it offers you something to talk to your friends about that are not your frustrations of the day. So many of my friends are in my general line of work, so it’s so easy to get caught up in talking shop all the time, so this was helpful not only in banishing the negative but in also helping my friendships to be more holistic and satisfying.

      3) All that said, I do find that sometimes you just need to have a vent sesh. Something I’ve been playing with the last few months is thinking about who would be the most helpful person to vent with on whatever is frustrating me, whether it’s someone who is experiencing or has experienced something similar, someone who gives great advice, or someone who’s going to “get it” for whatever reason. And once I’ve expressed whatever annoyance I’m having to the specific person I’ve chosen and hashed it out with them, then that’s it, I’ve put it out there, I’ve released it, and now there is no reason to bring it up with anyone else. But it does require some extra care to not dump all your problems on the same person over and over, and also to bring something positive to the friendship on a regular basis as well to balance out the negative.

      Those are some things that have worked for me, but it does require work. My bestie is in AA and I get so much out of it just by having conversations with him about his meetings, and I’m reminded of one of their sayings, “it works if you work it.” Find something that works for you and then put the work into it.

    15. Natalie*

      Something my husband and I are doing is sharing something “non-negative” rather than specifically positive. Maybe I’m just overly pedantic, but when we tried to stick with positive stuff I never felt like I had anything to say, but if it just has to not be complaints it feels easier for me to think of something funny or interesting or notable somehow. We also put time limits on each other’s complaining (by agreement).

    16. Paris-Berlin-Seoul Express*

      Frankly, I think our society’s emphasis on having to be positive all the time is causing a lot of unneeded guilt and anxiety. Bad things happen to people. All the time. It’s okay to be bummed out and sad and vocalize that and not be chastized for it.

    17. HannahS*

      In terms of verbal complaining, can you collapse some of your complaints together? I feel pretty suffocated if I say that things are fine when they’re not, but sometimes instead of going into a lot of detail, I find just saying something like, “School is particularly stressful at the moment, but I’m glad to have a day off from it today” get me a nice sympathetic comment from whoever I’m talking to without me ranting at them for ten minutes about how demeaned I feel and how angry I am about it.
      In practice, sometimes this means that I don’t talk much about the details of my own life, and instead ask a lot of questions about how my friend is doing. Or I talk about things I’ve seen and would like to do myself, with a focus on “this activity is so cool, can’t wait to try it” instead of “I have no time for it and it makes me sad.”

    18. Aphrodite*

      Do you watch or listen to a lot of news or read blogs or websites that feature primarily negative things? Do you watch movies, television or Youtube stuff that is focused primarily on the negative (like Judge Judy)? I can’t say much about social media because I have nothing to do with it but that too may be encouraging negativism. If so, that’s where a lot of input may be coming from that you don’t recognize. The titillation and thus audience factor that drives negative media is so pervasive we can often go without seeing its impact on our thinking, our emotions and our lives.

      If you suspect this might be it, start by dropping all news. I found when I did so about 28 years ago (pre-Internet) that my life got not just richer but much less negative. I lost any depression I had over events I had no control over and stopped feeling helpless. (I now make a real difference in my own corner of the world where I do have some control.) One of the changes that most amazed me was how my conversations changed. I am not “up to date” on news events; I often don’t know about them so I cannot get depressed over how awful things are–because they are not.

    19. Not So NewReader*

      How’s your self-care doing? Are you eating good meals regularly? Rest? Hydration? What do you read or watch on tv/internet? Regular walks are simple, cheap and effective at blowing out cobwebs in the mind.

      All these things can contribute to mindset. A nourished and rested body means the brain is going to be healthier and probably happier. Thinking tends to become lighter when the body which supports the mind feels taken care of.
      And start looking at the people surrounding you. There might be one or two people who serious ratchet up the negative inside you. Take a step back from those people for a week, see what you observe about yourself.

    20. ..Kat..*

      With a lot of practise, I trained myself to take a slow, deep breath before complaining. While breathing, I would ask myself:
      -would my complaining do something good? Alert people to a problem that they should avoid? Prevent a serious problem from occurring? Prevent harm?
      -am I just venting? If so, will venting help me and others around me feel better? Or will I just feel the same or worse afterwards?
      -is there work I could do instead?
      Sometimes I need a second or third breath. But, in general, I complain less. What I was complaining about was well known. Could not be changed. Now, I feel less negative. My job (same job, same problems) is more pleasant.

      I am not putting my head in the sand. I am not glossing over problems. But I feel better at the end of the day. An added positive effect: I have found that people have more positive, higher opinions of me now!

  24. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Looking for general guidance from people who have navigated–or avoided–the mine field of being the neutral party near someone else’s family split.
    Cousins of my husband had a falling out. Short version? Different parental rules, grandparents who wouldn’t follow them, escalating insults aimed at that parent including nastiness about their ‘ego’ from being the first person in the family to graduate college, and a complete break after another relative threatened to beat them up. I liked that cousin-in-law and spouse. But they blocked me & my husband when they blocked their closer family.
    It’s been years, another elder is dying, and on a hunch I googled the grandchildren. One looks so much like my daughter. From there I found their parents on FB.
    I probably have one shot to get a message through. What I want? My husband to get to catch up with his cousin he liked so much, all of us to find out if we still have a lot in common, and…the hard part… my other inlaws/cousininlaws NOT to blow a fuse because we’re consorting with enemies. My MIL is close with the broken-away-from cousins. She has upset my husband & me enough that were seeing her less frequently than before –but I I don’t want to alienate her. I would like to make sure cousin has a chance to introduce the grandchildren to the last remaining grandparent, but I don’t care if they choose it or don’t. (Truly, some unforgettable insults were exchanged. )
    Is there a way to walk this tightrope?

    1. L’il Sebastian*

      I don’t think there is. Enough happened that these people decided the healthiest option for them was to cut off a part of their family. 1. This cousin realizes that people get old and that the grandparents will eventually pass away, yet they’ve chosen to remain not in contact. That is their decision and I think you need to respect that. 2. You see concerned enough about not upsetting the family members who treated this cousin badly that I don’t think they would welcome contact with you.

      I’ve been on the cousin’s end of this – well, sort of. I’ve cut off family who were horrible to me. And it’s really not fun hanging out with people who I know are still in touch with the ones who were horrible to me. That’s also a tight rope, and I generally don’t consider it to be worth it. Occasionally I see people within the family who are in your situation, but our relationship is superficial at best. It’s just too exhausting worrying about if anything I say will go back to the other relatives, anticipating guilt trips whenever someone I cut off is sick or dying (you may say you don’t care – but again, they know people are getting older. So you making sure they know a death may be coming soon will absolutely come across as a guilt trip.) It’s just not fun. And furthermore, if anyone wanted to establish contact, it should be your husband – he was the one with the past close relationship, so I don’t think it makes sense for you, the spouse, to reach out anyways.

      1. rmw1982*

        +1

        I cut out some toxic relatives a few years ago. It’s very frustrating when another relative gets upset that I won’t forgive and forget and pretend nothing ever happened because they wish to maintain the illusion (delusion?) we’re all one big happy family. Since this is your husband’s family, if there is a desire to reach out, then let him do it. But don’t be surprised if it is rebuffed.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Send one message. Remind who you are (you never know), say that you’ve missed them, and would love to reconnect if they’re open to it. Acknowledge that there was a lot of family crap in the past, you didn’t agree with it but have chosen to stay out of it and won’t be mentioning that you’ve reached out to them unless they’re ok with it. If they don’t want to chat, you understand and you wish them well.

      Then, wait. Don’t say anything to the rest of the family.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          I have family that I’ve pretty much cut out of my life for crap like that. That’s the type of message I might respond to.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        This is pretty much what I’m thinking. My MIL is not directly involved, ‘just’ our linear connection to the hard-heads. (Both sides of the bad relationship.)
        I’d hate to have anyone put her in the middle if my husband &I reach out to the cousin who broke off contact.
        For the record I do not care if he stays incommunicado… just wondered if it were worth passing info in case he’d thought about building bridges. Consensus here seems to be don’t touch that with a 10-foot pole. (OR an 11-foot Czech for that matter.)
        The husband’s in agreement with me– when we married, we invited both halves of a recent family divorce to the wedding. We just know his mom could get caught in the crossfire if there is any.
        Thanks all.

        PS the phrase “boundary stomping pieces of work” made me snicker because it’s more true than I feel comfortable admitting even here.

    3. fposte*

      What does your husband want to do? I’d leave it to him, and if he didn’t take action, I’d read that as that being the decision. But these are people who’ve known how to make contact if they’ve wanted to, and they haven’t.

    4. Red Sky*

      I think it would be ok to reach out, but you would need to make it abundantly clear you respect their choice to be no contact with MIL and cousins. That means no trying to get them to reconcile with or sharing information with MIL or cousins (who all sound like boundary stomping pieces of work). Forget about trying to reunite grandkid and grandma, the parents have clearly made their decisions about what’s in the best interest of their child and you need to respect that as well.

      As far as your concern about alienating MIL, you’re kind of in between a rock and a hard place, but she’s the one putting you there. You might want to check out r/justnomil

      1. L’il Sebastian*

        Yeah, r/justnomil and all the flying monkeys over there probably colors my view on this a bit (knowing that it’s not just me, that the in the middle relatives often act a certain way, etc.)

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Some of this was a bit difficult for me to follow- it could be I am off base, if so, please ignore.

      Rule number one is never negotiate a peace treaty between two people. They will end up liking each other and ditching you.
      This means think about what you and your hubby want here for your OWN relationships and go first person to get that result. Let everyone else sort themselves out.

      It sounds like you both would like to reconnect with one of the cousins? First find out if the two of you are on the same page here. Next, send them a text/short email that says, “We miss you guys. Can we reconnect?”
      Then wait, respectfully, for as long as is needed.

      In my family a chart was needed to remember who was on speaking terms with whom. Generations are a wonderful thing. The next generation does not care about the disagreements of the previous generation. First cousins can abandon the arguments of their parents. First cousins can see that they want their children to be connected even if they are not themselves, additionally.

      Aging is another wonderful thing. Our elders lose their power to make us miserable and they lose their power to control us as we gain wisdom, physical assets and our own identity. Also as their bodies and minds grow weaker, the next generation (us) are growing stronger.

      In short, nothing stays the same, ever.

      Last step. Expect nothing to change. This works well because it lowers the disappointment rate substantially. And it can be a preemptive way of dealing with hurt/rejection. Instead of focusing on Current Hurt, you can just say, “I knew that asking to reconnect was not without some risks. At least I can live with myself because I know I sincerely tried.” We are not responsible for others’ poor reactions to our sincere gestures.

      If you do reconnect and others cut you off this is no surprise. They have already showed you that they think love is similar to a water faucet and they can turn it on and off at will. They use their love to manipulate others. Uh, this isn’t love, not even close.

  25. Lauren*

    There’s a guy, “Mark”, who seemed into me when I first met him. Mark really laid it on thick- very flirty, would joke around. This was in front of others, but one-on-one, Mark seemed sort of shy and awkward. I thought he hated me then because he would brush me off when I tried to talk to him or be dismissive.

    A mutual friend said that they went golfing and he said that Mark was really bad, so he didn’t play. The friend asked if I wanted to join and I said that I was bad and would make Mark look like Tiger Woods. Well, I think the mutual friend told Mark and the next time Mark came around, he mentioned loudly how he was going golfing. I was just trying to make a lame joke. I wasn’t trying to insult Mark. I feel bad and like I said something wrong.

    A few months passed and it seemed like Mark was into me. He would come around me, but never say anything. I tried to talk to him, but he seemed nervous. Our friends started to tease us and Mark seemed uncomfortable and seemed flustered. It was awkward.

    Mark still looks at me, but never starts a conversation. I heard that he’s dating another woman and he’ll talk loudly about other women.

    I’m still confused because Mark still tenses up around me and I catch him staring at me when he thinks I’m not looking.

    What is going on? It’s so confusing and I feel like it’s one big head game or something. Does he think I’m not good enough to date? Has anyone been in this scenario before? How did you handle it? It’s making me crazy- both physically and emotionally. I don’t understand the guy!

    1. valentine*

      He’s a weirdo creep and, even if you were into each other, he’s way too much work and too aggressive/loud. This sounds like middle school.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Totally my reaction too. I think you’re giving this way too much thought and it’s not and never will be worth it. Whatever weirdness you may be perceiving, it kind of doesn’t matter. Best response if you catch yourself wondering what Mark is up to is to say to yourself “Huh that’s weird,” shrug it off, and go talk to someone interesting.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’ve read your post twice and I LITERALLY don’t see anything about how you feel about Mark. Just about how you feel about how Mark maybe feels about you.

      Honestly, this guy sounds like an exhausting pile of work. If you did start dating, he wouldn’t magically be any better at communicating or any more proactive. I think you’re lucky not to be involved with him.

      However, if you actually like him and want to try dating him, why don’t you ask him sometime about this lady he keeps talking about and whether he’s involved? That seems fairly low-stakes to me.

    3. WellRed*

      Move on from whatever it is you think this is. He’s not worth it and, I mean this kindly, women often read more into men then what’s actually really there. I highly recommend “he’s just not that into you,” for this and all future “does he like me” scenarios. I wish I’d had it when I was in my 20s.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Yup, came here to recommend “He’s Just Not That Into You.” If Mark wanted to ask you out, he would ask you out. He hasn’t, ergo he doesn’t. Stop playing exhausting head games with yourself, literally no one is worth this kind of overanalysis and guesswork.

    4. fposte*

      I can’t tell if you’ve posted about this before or if it’s just a common enough situation that a previous post sounds a lot like this.

      But you’re not dating Mark. You’re not planning to ask Mark for a date. You don’t give any indication that you even like Mark. I think it’s time you ejected him from your headspace–he’s not an important person. If you liked Mark and he liked you, it wouldn’t matter if you made a perfectly fine golfing joke, and honestly, I’m not convinced he knows you even made the joke. I also think you’re overreading some of his behaviors, like talking about the women he dates, as being something he’s doing for your benefit, when they sound like stuff people do for all kinds of reasons, including not caring about the opinion of other people present.

      You ask what’s going on–what’s going on is that you’re overfocused on a guy who has no potential for you. It doesn’t matter what’s going on, because it’s clear what’s going on isn’t “We like each other and are going to spend time together.” Find other, more rewarding people to spend time with and think about. Prioritize those who treat you kindly and act like they like you. You’re worth it.

      1. Reba*

        Yes to all of this!

        I find a really clarifying question in situations like this is, do you think this person is spending as much time worrying about you/the situation as you are spending on them?

      3. Lissa*

        I was going to say this too! Some of the comments above say he’s a jerk, and he may well be, but it could also be that everything described is subjective and not about you, more “Mark was having a bad day” or “Mark was feeling more extroverted the next day.” I see a lot of “he seemed…” but not a lot of concrete actions that happened except for the golfing thing, which could well be a miscommunication. It doesn’t sound like you ever told him you were into him or asked him out, right? So he might not even realize you are/were interested, especially if he’s shy and/or awkward.

        1. WellRed*

          No. No. Sure, he may have had a bad day or whatever, but more likely he ain’t interested. We women make far too many excuses for their behavior when He’s Just Not Interested.

          1. Lissa*

            Why “no no”? My point wasn’t that he’s interested, but more that since it doesn’t sound like OP ever asked, it could be that all of his behaviour isn’t about her at all and he isn’t even aware that SHE is interested, rather than that he’s being a jerk. It sounds like everything that’s happened has been unspoken or reading the tea leaves a bit. I can’t tell if there’s ever been a conversation between the two of them stating potential interest which would then make the following behaviour more potentially jerk-like, as opposed to just, he sees her as a friend and isn’t aware of anything else.

      4. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, this story feels very familiar to me, also.

        This person is a Loser with a capital L. Move away from this waste of time. He is all about the chase and the head games and he has nothing else to offer. He’s a drama llama. With the size of his ego there won’t be much room for you in the relationship. You deserve better than this.

        We said about the same thing to a similar post a while ago.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      Please go over to Captain Awkward and look up “Firthing.”

      If Mark were worth spending a passing thought on, he would Use His Words and ask you out. He is not interested enough to do that.

      He is not interested in you enough to walk across a room and ask you on a date. That is a pretty low bar for a grown man.

      So what on Earth is so interesting about him?

      Get busy with something that adds fun and awesomeness to your own life, and put your thoughts on that.

      Your attention is gold. Don’t let some random dude lackadaisically collect it like toe jam. Any man worth thinking this much about will be happy to compete for your attention.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        Or if she is interested in Mark, she could say “hey wanna have coffee or a drink sometime?” I’m a woman and I did this plenty of times back when I was dating. They sometimes said no. Or they said yes but the date was a failure. Either way stings for a second but is better than being on a brain hamster wheel about Mark for what sounds like a long period of time.

        1. ..Kat..*

          If she is interested in Mark, I think this is a great idea. Give it a shot. If it does not work, you tried. No shame. And that can make it easier to move on.

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      I think you’re reading a lot more into it. Mark’s just some guy that’s in your vicinity, who once, a long time ago, made some jokingly flirty comments. Ignore it, and be reasonably polite to him when you do interact.

  26. Claire*

    Has anyone ever read an advice column and recognized that the writer is your friend Jo Smith? It happened to me once in the 1980s. I read Dear Abby one morning in the local paper and KNEW it was my brother. When I called him, he laughed and said I wasn’t the first one to spot it. Turns out my mom (RIP) had sent him a column from Dear Abby about being nicer to your mom. So he wrote back to Abby and described the situation. Major boundary issues. She printed it and supported his call to set boundaries. Lol. I dug it up in the archives a few years ago; file is somewhere in my computer.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Ha, no, but I’ve always wanted that to be the case for some reason!

      A few months ago a friend forwarded me an advice column and seriously asked if it was me; the letter writer signed her name, which is the same as mine, she referred to her boyfriend by his name, which is also my boyfriend’s name (and an unusual one at that), there was a dog involved… It was kind of kooky.

  27. Looking for a name*

    Hi wonderful commentators,

    I’m expecting a baby boy and searching for a middle name for him.
    Since his first and last name are already set in stone and both have only one syllable, I want the middle name to have at least two syllables. Also, from speaking several combinations out loud I already know that it can’t start with an F, R or T and can’t end with an S or D. And I don’t like names which are obviously biblical.

    I’d love to hear any suggestions you might have.

    1. Rick Tq*

      Just free-associating your requirements:
      Albert, Benjamin, Charleston, Darrell, Gregory, Harrison.

      We were concerned about initials, and how the full name sounded when naming our daughter.

      Congratulations and good luck!

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I don’t know what culture you’re from so I’ll just give you two from mine: Henry and Phillip.

    4. Boy names*

      Here’s names I like and considered for our son. Some may be biblical, but I’ll throw them out anyways.

      Owen, Julian, Eli, Jacob, Caleb, Oliver

    5. Roberta Plant*

      Spencer! (Kidding, you will find something and it will be perfect –) I had the same syllable situation (except for the consonants – I wasn’t as specific as you are because I knew the first and surname – I just didn’t want a word, so the middle name could not begin with a vowel) and this was our choice. I am a total names person — love thinking about them, and selection was very important and well-considered. Good luck!

    6. Foster Cat Mama Drama*

      I always liked the name Aaron. But here are a few other that spring to mind from folks I know: Arthur, Parker, Martin, Michael, Anthony, William, Milo, Declan

    7. hermit crab*

      How about Quentin? I think having Q as your middle initial gives you an extra cool factor. :)

      Some other names from my friends & family that meet your criteria are Simon, Jonathan, Nathan (or Nathaniel), Leo, Matthew, Micah (which I think is lovely but might be too biblical-sounding for your taste), and Jeremy.

    8. Grandma Mazur*

      Oliver (sorry, that’s three syllables. So is Dominic).
      Leo
      August
      Johann
      Dylan
      Elliot
      Luka
      Noam
      Mika

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m one who tends to like names picked for more than sound. My grandfather’s middle name was that of his mother’s deceased friend.
      Friends took their child’s middle name out of their geneology research –the oldest one that they’d found.
      Other have picked family names that would have faded out because there were no daughters, or because of an adoption.
      And remember…whatever you pick, the child will hate it in 4th grade.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      Grandmother’s maiden name
      Your maiden name
      Favorite male relative’s name
      Part of great-grandparent’s names
      Name of good friend from school years
      Very respected individual in your community or church
      Very respected individual in history
      Alison’s husband’s name

    19. ..Kat..*

      This can be a great way to honor someone in you or significant other’s family. Use their first name as a middle name. Or use their last name as a middle name.

    20. Traffic_Spiral*

      How about you don’t give him a middle name and tell him he can pick his own at 18 or save it for marriage? My parents did that with some of my younger sibs – they seemed to appreciate it. One picked a last name from another branch of our family, one picked his wife’s last name when they married. They also had lots of fun as kids thinking about what they wanted.

    21. Looking for a name*

      Thank you very much for all your suggestions. We found a name thanks to inspiration from reading this thread.

  28. OyHiOh*

    Got through the first week post-funeral service reasonably intact. Kids are back to school – I keep hearing from the school counselor that one or the other is having a bad day and I’m thinking “well isn’t that part of your actual job? I can’t swoop in and rescue them every time it’s hard – they have lots of trusted adults in that school and they need to figure it out” but it’s not easy. We went to the kabbalat Shabbat service at our Temple last night, which should have felt safe and familiar but ended up feeling other worldly. There’s a specific blessing that’s said to a family in mourning the first time they attend services and I’ve heard it said many times in the past but last night didn’t realize what our rabbi was saying until she looked us dead in the eye on the closing words. During the kaddash (mourner’s prayer), my legs started shaking again and hasn’t really stopped yet this morning.

    Friends from a community organization swooped in on Monday and did a whole house makeover. It’s lovely to have a visual clean start but hard on our youngest, who woke up Tuesday morning sobbing because she couldn’t find her daddy anywhere in the house. He’s still here – there was just too much new stuff for her to easily identify what belonged to him. So we’re muddling along as best we can, relying on friendships to keep us on our feet. I keep saying that I know this is real, I know it’s really happening, but it doesn’t **feel** real yet.

    “All beginnings are hard . . . . Especially a beginning you make for yourself. That is the hardest beginning of all.” ~~ Chaim Potok, In the Beginning

    1. fposte*

      It sounds like you all are doing the hard work as bravely as you can; my best wishes for kindness and healing to you and your family.

    2. Alpha Bravo*

      I’m so glad you have a community of people who care for you and your children and are trying to ease your paths as much as they can. For me, that feeling of unreality was kind of like Novocain after a tooth is pulled. It protected me as I absorbed the shock of losing a part of myself. One foot in front of the other. You’ve got this.

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      My heart breaks for you.

      A whole house makeover sounds great, when you aren’t the one with the deceased loved one. I understand how your littles feel. My relatives came in a did a big clean/purge after my mom died. My father and I were sort of stunned. I went into the bedroom and just sob. They didn’t toss big deal thing, but who would have thought a tossed head scarf would derail me. A week after was way too soon for me.

      The school needs to step up their game. The counselors at my elementary school make a little kit. It had whatever the kid felt she needed when those waves of sad/grief come on. One little bag had mom’s favorite flavored chapstick (new so the kid could use it) a little bracelet, picture, M&Ms (moms favorite snack) paper pad and crayons, squishy toy, and fuzzy socks. The kid would burn through all those levels BEFORE the counselor would fire up the phone. All communication wasn’t negative. “Beezle had to draw mom a picture and used some chapstick. ” You know your littles are having a hard time. Hearing “bad day” isn’t helpful. Makes you feel like trash.

      For me, the first year of my mom’s death was an absolute blur.

      Sending you love to you and your Littles

      2. OyHiOh*

        The makeover was something the group asked about. It wasn’t just decided on. They came and asked, they talked with all of us about what we liked and wanted, and I was here the whole day to answer questions and make sure that significant things either stayed in the living spaces or went to the basement until I’m ready to deal with them. The other piece of that makeover was that we’d moved into this house a week before my spouse became ill and had originally planned to do a big IKEA shopping trip at the end of the month so we hadn’t moved most of our old furniture. So this house was basically empty and we could start more or less from scratch. In context, given our circumstances, it was a lovely and helpful thing for them to do.

        Those school counselors sound fantastic. Ours mean well and do the absolute best they can but we’re an underfunded school in an underfunded district and unfortunately, good intentions only go so far if there isn’t the money to back up the intentions.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Can you help them implement the idea? Perhaps by assembling the kits and asking the counselors (or classroom teacher) to give them to your kids in a “quiet corner”? Especially your youngest; so heartrending to read she is looking for her daddy and can’t find him. Are there small things of his that she could have in the kit?

          You are doing the best you can and I’m so glad you have a supportive community that is present for you. Hugs if they’d be welcome.

          1. OyHiOh*

            I’ve got several plans in progress to help youngest child in particular but all of them. Spouse and I collected watches – the kids are picking out their favorites and I’ll be getting them engraved for the kids to wear (most are vintage Timex and other durable brands).

            There are stuffed animals being made out of his shirts, one for each of the kids, that will arrive over the next few months.

            And several other similar projects. Youngest child has also been sleeping wrapped up in one of his winter jackets, that helps too.

    4. Epsilon Delta*

      I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot begin to imagine. I have been following your updates and hoping it would have a different outcome. I hope you and your family are able to find the support you need.

    5. Mimmy*

      Your post brought tears to my eyes. Sending up prayers and healing hugs for you and your family, including your little ones.

      I too am disheartened at how the school counselor is handling this.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      It wasn’t lost on me that the illness, funeral/loss and grief were only a part of the story, then *I* got to figure out what the heck to do with my life now. So, yes, beginnings we make for ourselves are very hard. I often thought it was unfair that I had to figure out my life on top of everything else.

      For now, if you manage to plan out your current day, give yourself a big A plus. If you don’t manage to plan out your current day, tell yourself, “it’s okay” and let the day go on as is. Because it is indeed okay.

      And yes, the mind does flip back and for between current and past. I agree that in some ways that not feeling real does protect us. I’d be most concerned if your responses to daily life were not fitting the situations, however, this is not what you show here at all. You are very much aware of daily stuff. So the feelings are just that, feelings. You are keeping you and the kids safe, fed, taken care and that is good.

      Sometimes it can be our little routines that save us. I marveled at how comforting it was to do dishes. It was so ordinary, so simple and so unlike the rest of the things in my life at that point. Let the familiarity of your routines give you a moment of relief in some small way. Likewise, allow yourself to feel comforted when you see a familiar, friendly face. It’s okay to see the world as being upside down and it’s okay to be searching for that new normal, that new consistency. It’s there and you will find it, piece by piece.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Funny you should mention dishes: They are the chore I used to hate. Capital letters hated doing dishes. Now I find them oddly comforting.

        There’s a scene in a sci fi series my spouse loved, Babylon 5, in which a character is asked how she can be so calm in the chaos of everything that’s happening. And she’s got a highly dramatic story involving her father and jumping out of a burning building but she summarizes as “you figure out how to survive the next 30 seconds, and once you do that, you figure out how to survive the next 30 seconds. Show is corny and ridiculous but that piece of advice is gold. I doubt I would have gotten through the past few weeks without being able to break “how do I do this” down to “figure out the next hour. Don’t worry about the hours after that until you figure out this one.”

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Oh my, YES!
          I remember when my mother died. Her doc wrote my father a letter. In the letter the doc mentioned “reweaving the fabric of your life”. It’s been decades and I have not forgotten the doc’s word choice here.

          So picturing someone at a weaving loom, passing the shuttle through the threads… yeah, this is something that is going to take a while. This is something that is labor intensive and requires forethought/planning. So what does the weaver do? The weaver just works on the section of cloth in front of her today and she does that part. As the weeks and months go on, the fabric starts to take shape. The fabric starts to look like something the weaver can use to do something else, such as reupholster a chair or make a suit. But day-to-day progress does not look like much, “I did 2 inches of fabric today. PEACH! 45 more FEET to go! sigh.”

          Our SO’s forever change our lives when they enter our lives and they forever change our lives when they exit. But in between their entrance and exit, we changed, we grew because of them. And we get to keep that part.

      2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        sending you a hug, OyHiOh…. you are doing a great job, and I can’t imagine trying to walk this path with little ones to shepherd at the same time.
        Thank you for posting the update – I think of you regularly. There is little I can add except my “this is the new normal” mantra. Your “figure-out-the-next-30-seconds” is so appropriate (and special because of your connection to husband through it).
        One who has recently been there….

    12. chi chan*

      Sending you good wishes and strength. Maybe reddit, the forum for widows and widowers might help in venting to people who have been there.

    13. all the leaves are brown*

      Sending you warm internet hugs/thoughts. I’ve been following your story and thank you for the updates. Wish I had more to offer but I appreciate your honesty and bravery in sharing all this.

    14. all the leaves are brown*

      Sending you warm internet hugs/thoughts. I’ve been following your story and thank you for the updates. I appreciate your honesty and bravery in sharing all this.

    15. Bluebell*

      Thank you for sharing this update. Wishing you comfort among the mourners of Zion. I hope however much you decide to say Kaddish, it is healing for you. It sounds like there is so much caring all around you and I hope it continues.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I’m not a hugely traditional person myself (blame a secular family, etc etc and so forth) but I’ve noticed that our children find tremendous reassurance in tradition and ritual so I’m finding myself doing the traditions to help them. Right now we’re saying Kaddish as a family in the evening, after pajamas and before bedtime Shema. I have no idea if that will last the full 11 months but it’s working for them and for me right now.

  29. Valancy Snaith*

    Does anyone have experience with genomic testing for cancer and how it affected the treatment plan? My mom has cancer (masses found on the lungs and liver) and her oncologists sent samples for genomic testing to determine the origin with the thought that it will impact her treatment. She had about 2L of fluid drained from pleural effusion last week which is also being tested for malignancy, and she is a 25-year survivor of breast cancer already. I’m not sure whether it will make a huge impact on the treatment plan, but my mom’s team seem to think it will. Does anyone have any experience with this?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      My mom had breast cancer and they tested it. Really, it just helped them pick between different options. If you have 6 medications you could pick from, but you know that the cancer is type X and there’s 2 meds that work really well on type X, you shortcut the trial and error and just start with those 2 meds.

      Good luck to her!

    2. Karen from Finance*

      I haven’t, but I suggest you search Facebook for closed/private groups for cancer patients. “breast cancer support”, “breast cancer awareness” “breast cancer family”, different variations of that. When I had Hodgkin’s a couple of years ago I found some Facebook groups that were great for connecting with other patients and/or their families, and exchanging information like this.

      Good luck.

    3. CancerSister*

      I’m sorry about your mom and know first-hand how such a diagnosis affects family members, too. My sister, who survived childhood cancer nearly 50 years ago, was diagnosed in October with angiosarcoma in her liver and lung/pleural cavity. She also had a pleural effusion roughly the size of your mother’s. My sister’s disease is believed to have been caused by the radiation therapy she had as a child. Re: genomic testing. It can help some patients. By identifying mutations, it allows for targeted therapies as one of the treatment options for consideration. It can also identify whether a cancer is one that might be heritable and potentially affect other family members. There’s a short blog post on the Dana Farber site (blog dot dana-farber dot org) called “What is Genomic Testing” that gives greater (and likely more accurate) detail. I wish you, your mom, and your family strength, and hope that she has access to good medical care and has a treatment team she trusts.

    4. Asenath*

      I agreed to the oncotype test for breast cancer. It basically confirmed my oncologist’s recommendations regarding treatment, so in my case, I might have had the same treatment anyway – but I knew it was scientifically confirmed by a test, which made me feel better. I think the test basically provides evidence as to which of the many treatment options are best.

      This isn’t the same as testing for a BRCA mutation.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Thank you–I know it’s a different test from the BRCA. My mom has held off on testing for BRCA, because she didn’t want me to be saddled with the preexisting condition label, but since I now live in a country with universal healthcare it’s not something I need to worry about, so she will probably get that done while undergoing chemo and whatever other treatments need to take place. It’s reassuring to know that the test can dial in a more specific type of treatment that may be more effective.

    5. TL -*

      It can make a huge difference – a lot of treatments are based on the genetics of cancers, and it will allow the team to better screen for new and/or experimental treatments if that ends up being an avenue y’all need to explore.

      Basically, some mutations lead to physical changes in the cancer cell. We have drugs that target specifically these changes, so you get less side effects (because few normal cells have those changes) and more cancer cells killed.

      They can also keep your mom from getting treated with treatments they know will be ineffective and they may test for eligibility for a particular type of immunotherapy.

    6. WS*

      Yes! Do it! Even a few years ago the testing was more to help identify cancer risk in relatives, but now it strongly affects which treatment they choose – and, even more importantly, which ones they don’t choose. Instead of throwing everything at the cancer and seeing what works, they can tailor treatment much more closely. The science of cancer genomics has advanced astonishingly fast, and your mother should absolutely take advantage of that.

      There are also a lot of stories about how people got their cancer tested and then had minimal treatment and specific antibodies made to fight it, and didn’t have to have much or any chemo. That’s a great thing for those people, but not a hugely common outcome – most people are still having to have chemo and/or radiation and/or surgery at this point, so if you’re reading about genomic testing, remember that those cases are the best outcomes and thus over-represented in the media.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        She already has. As I mentioned, the samples have been at the lab for a couple weeks and results should be back soon. Thank you.

  30. What to do about persistant request for review?*

    I can’t decide what to do.

    This fall, I discovered that two of my bay windows were literally rotting off the house. On inspection, I ended up have 6 VERY large windows replaced, to the tune of nearly $14k (ouch!). I got multiple bids but the company I went with because they had some features & install options that truly made them the best option was VERY high pressure in a way I would have walked away from if they didn’t genuinely have some things that made them a better choice. There ended up being a lot of things I wasn’t happy with like they told me the windows would be installed within 4 weeks (had to be custom fabricated) and it ended up being 10 weeks because apparently the order wasn’t finalized. The outside color is correct; the inside color is not what I thought I had ordered, but since halfway through they had emailed me to confirm without the color swatches & I said yes, because I was focused on a different correction & didn’t think to check the colors since that wasn’t where the ordering confusion had been originally. The actual installation was very very well done but frankly I loathe the interior color & it means I’m going to have to change from my beautiful oak interior trim to regular painted trim. But they did do some really nice bonus work at no charge like installing a door I had bought someplace else.

    My issue is that they literally call every 3 days for the past nearly 1.5 months trying to get me to review them, but also make a big deal that it has to be all top scores or they get dinged. I’m so far refusing to review, but I’m starting to get pissed. I cannot honestly give them 10s…I’m not happy with the entire sales experience but I know it was company-policy issues, not a problem with the individual salesman. I just want them to stop calling. (I did consider blocking the number but it’s several numbers depending on which line they call out on.)

    I can’t decide if I should just give them an honest rating, which I feel horribly guilty doing knowing how retail/sales treat anything less than perfect the same as a horrible score. Or if I should just continue ignoring and hope they eventually give up.

    Ugh.

    1. fposte*

      Is there a middle ground where you tell them you’re not going to give them a review, the review you’d give isn’t the one they’re pushing for, and that they should stop calling? That’s what I’d do. I might add that if they don’t stop calling I’d definitely review and include the information that they refuse to stop calling when asked.

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I’d give them an honest review, personally, but if you’re not comfortable doing so they’ll probably stop asking if you tell them that that’s what they’d get. “I’m actually not happy with my experience and am trying to be kind by simply declining to give a review. The next time you call I’ll give one, but it’ll be honest.”

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      How about option c?

      On their next phone call you say “honestly, I haven’t been happy with the whole experience because of x, y, and z, and I’m finding these constant calls to review you extremely annoying and pushy. I’d like them to stop now and for you not to call me again. Thank you.”

      Then, if they keep calling you, leave them a bad review.

    4. BRR*

      I’m not sure how to do it in this situation but I’ve sometimes left reviews where I cite company policy being the issue.

    5. Not All*

      I should have said I told them the first time they called I wasn’t comfortable reviewing but I guess I will try one more time a little more forcefully.

      It’s too bad…the actual windows are a great product for this particular climate and the install crew did a beautiful job. It was just the sales process & the measure guy I had issues with.

    6. Middle School Teacher*

      I know where you’re coming from. I don’t respond to the hard sell at all.

      I agree with Mutt. I might also leave a review (day, 7/10) and be honest about what you did like, but say clearly you’re knocking off a few points because of X Y and Z.

      Otherwise I would block their multiple numbers.

    7. Not All*

      I guess I could out them to as a heads up to others…

      The company is Renewal by Andersen. I really, really needed a composite-type window on this house. Wood wasn’t an option because the height of the second story makes upkeep (paint, etc) pretty impossible unless you hire a professional and I’ve never seen vinyl that weren’t crap. This climate is hard on wood…super hot, humid, & horizontal rain storms all summer and lots of freeze/thaw and horizontal freezing rain/snow in winter. But we started off on the wrong foot when they didn’t give me a heads up that there is a substantial discount (in my case almost $1500) if you buy the first time you meet with the salesman. I’d still over all recommend the windows if anyone is looking in a similar situation, but I’d make sure they were the LAST bid you get and that you make them leave color samples with you. Also, take a photo of the order sheet because you don’t get an electronic copy mailed to you (which I had expected since they do 95% of the process on a little iPad).

    8. kc89*

      I was put off at a restaurant a while ago when the server told us up front that at the end of the meal there would be a digital survey and to please give top remarks because anything below 10 hurts her

      I don’t blame the server but instead the restaurant that is pushing servers hard enough to say things like that. Don’t they realize it’s awful customer service and just makes me not want to go back? Again, not blaming the server, but the people in charge who make the server feel like that’s necessary

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      Honestly, I’d give a review with the good and the bad and go on with my beautiful life. It’s genuinely helpful to the people who may or may not want to do business with them and it’s not your job to make them all happy with a 10.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I have never liked that company for [reasons] and now I see not much has changed.

      Email corporate.
      Tell them their employee gets 10s and they get 4s.
      OR
      Tell them that if they call you one more time you are going to tell everyone you know not to buy their product because the company is super aggressive to the point of obnoxious.
      OR
      Tell them you will find a place to write an online review and part of that review will be listing off all the times and dates they have called you so far.

      One place wanted me to buy their product. I finally told them that each time they called they added another year to the time BEFORE I would make a decision on the product. They stopped calling.

    11. Marigold*

      I gave a mixed review on a high-end product purchase, and the salesman called me back saying, “I don’t get my commission unless you give us all 10s, why you gotta do me like that Marigold?” It was Seriously Awkward, and made sure I never bought anything from that place again. Ugh.

  31. Hold My Cosmo*

    My husband was his usual hyper-friendly, insanely social self to the JWs that came around last month and now they will NOT GO AWAY. I’ve been polite, I’ve been stern, and now I’ve started to get bitchy. It isn’t helping.

    They come flying up our steep, curving, difficult driveway and then try to back down, and always get stuck. It’s lined with sculpted hedges, and today marks the second time they effed them up majorly by backing into them. I’m wondering if I should be pursuing legal recourse at this point, because it will cost hundred of dollars to replace them. Landscaping is hella expensive.

    I used to think my older family was a bunch of nutty rednecks for posting “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Apparently I have aged into a nutty redneck.

    1. Not All*

      I would ABSOLUTELY go up to them and ask for their insurance information, cell phone in hand, letting them know you need both their insurance and driver’s license info for filing a claim with your insurance. I don’t think they’ll actually give it to you, but especially if you obviously take photos of their license plate I think it will at least be the last time they bother you.

      (Though I personally dislike them enough I probably WOULD file a claim if my agent said it wouldn’t affect my own rates)

      1. valentine*

        Email the local place of worship (maybe you can find an outreach coordinator) about this. They should want to know these two are poor representatives.

    2. Reba*

      I wouldn’t go after them for money. But I would get my spouse to call them and say, “You have caused several hundred dollars’ worth of damage to our property. We wish you the best, but DO NOT come here again.”

      2. Chip*

        I wouldn’t put the “We wish you the best” part in. I’d just tell them they caused significant damage to my property and order them not to return.

    3. Rebecca*

      I was able to get them to leave me alone. They used to come to my house, and once followed me around while I was doing yard work! I said, look, I’m a United Methodist. I believe what I believe, I’m not going to convert, I appreciate your efforts, so you can follow me around the yard all you want, but it’s not going to change anything. They never came back! No more tracts in the door, nothing.

      In your case, they’re damaging your property. You have every right to tell them no, do not come here!

      1. Not All*

        lol

        They gave up on me after I happened to be carrying around one of my snakes (he’s only about 6′ so not terribly intimidating but a lovely iridescent black who also happens to hiss at anyone he doesn’t know) when I answered the door and firmly told them I was an atheist who thought they needed mental help. I also offered to walk them through all the blatant logical inconsistencies with their faith. I think I scared them because they cross to the other side of the street when they do my neighborhood now!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Bahahahahaha! I haven’t had anyone bother me since I put up a sign I had professionally made that says:
          No Soliciting
          No Proselytizing
          No Leaflets
          Now Get Off My Lawn

          Aww, iridescent snakeys are the prettiest things. <3

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Once you tell someone not to enter your property, that’s a trespass warning. Next time, you can get the police involved and have them ticketed. Probably not the way to go here, but keep it in the back of your mind.
      The “No Trespassing” sign is good, but a preemptive message telling them not to show up again is the best idea. Email or text would be better than a phone call. You might need proof later that you told them not to trespass. I’m hoping you can tell them once and be done with this.
      Best of luck.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      I once got rid of JW’s permanently by answering the door in my underwear.

      It wasn’t even on purpose, it was just hella early on Saturday morning and I was half-asleep.

      In your position, I wouldn’t wait for them to come back. I’d look up the nearest Kingdom Hall and call them to complain. If you know the folks’ individual names, all the better. But they are bound to have some idea of who is working which neighborhoods.

      Tell them these people have returned several times after being directly told to leave, that they’ve damaged your property for $xxx, and that if you see them again you are calling the cops.

      1. Blinded by the Gaslight*

        I did the same thing (opened the door in my underwear), but it was on purpose. This was after weeks of them literally banging on my door at 8am like it was an emergency, and me trying all the normal, polite, then increasingly firm ways of declining. They never came back! :D

    6. Kuododi*

      DH and I got snatched out of bed by the JWs on one of the rare Saturdays when neither of us was on call at our respective places of employment. (We were not pleased!!!). At the time we had two large rescue dogs that barked and howled like a pack of about 50 wild animals. I opened the door and was holding a dog back with a hand on their collars. (The effect was quite intimidating as each dog was wrestling to get away from me and fly out the door to chew off body parts on the JWs). I think we now must be on some JW national “do not visit” list. Since that one incident, we’ve had no additional problems from religious solicitation. (We’ve moved multiple times since that happened.). Best wishes!!!

    7. NeverNicky*

      My parents no longer received visits from JW evangelists after placing “Be nice to me, I gave blood today” and other promotional stickers from the NHS blood service in their porch window. Mutual respect/acknowledgement of immovable positions!

  32. matcha123*

    Ok, this is a weird question but is there something weird about people who come from low-income backgrounds succeeding?
    Is there something weird about being a single woman and not depending on family and men to get by?
    I ask because a few times I’ve had other women assume that I am like them: from a stable middle-class family. And because of that they assume that I don’t know what it’s like to work for a living or to have a family. In fact, I’ve worked quite hard and have taken care of my immediate family, no kids of my own and don’t want them, however.
    When that comes out, I get this attitude like…I lied? to them? That as someone who is from a low-income background, I must have somehow tricked my way into university or a job and I really don’t deserve to be where I am now. Or that it’s my fault that I don’t have a better income.
    I’ve lived alone in a foreign country for over a decade and some of the local guys seem turned off by that (living alone). Like, me finding my own apartment and paying my own bills is somehow offensive to them. I’d love to have a long-term partner to live with! I’m really struggling to understand this thought process. Why would someone who has been given everything they need feel the need to put down someone who has had to fight for everything they have?
    For the guys, why do some guys feel offended by a woman who doesn’t want kids or who is just barely getting by on her own? Sorry for the ramble…

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      From my own point of view, there’s nothing weird about any of your situation. It’s laudable what you’ve achieved and the fact that you’ve taken care of your family on top of that is amazing.

      I have encountered similar attitudes to people having a bit of a “hmmm” moment when they realise I’m single by choice and don’t want children. There’s an expectation that women want the husband and children and the white picket fence (and good on you if you do) and so when people veer from that expected course, others don’t know how to react or what to think.

      My last relationship ended eight years ago because he thought it was strange that I didn’t want to marry or have children (bear in mind, when he spoke about it, I was always the one at home raising said kids). I was 20 at the time at it was enough to scare me out of that relationship. I view it as some people finding independence scary: people like to be counted on and some men and women like the idea of being a knight in shining whatever and when you’re financially, physically, and emotionally independent, they don’t know what to do with that.

      A lot of it could also be the culture you’re living in. I’m in Spain and whilst there are ‘enlightened’ Spanish men, the prevailing culture is women = babies + home.

      1. valentine*

        It’s weird to them because they thought they’d weeded you out. Like when people say, “Are you going home for Holiday,” as though orphans and aged-out foster kids don’t exist.

      2. aa*

        I don’t know when in Spain you’re living, but I’m Spanish, live in Madrid, and that’s absolutely not what I see around me. Most Spanish women work, because it’s really hard to afford being a stay-at-home parent, and many couples rely on grandparents for childminding. I really don’t know who thinks that women = babies + home.

        Also, I’m unmarried and don’t have or want children, and I’ve never had any problems with that in Spain – if anything, it was people in England and the US that found it odd and questionable.

    2. Liza*

      No need to apologise. This must feel very frustrating. As much as we like to kid ourselves, I don’t think for one minute we live in a classless society, and that goes for pretty much everywhere. If memory serves, socio-economic status of parents/family remains a significant factor in one’s success. Some people, like yourself, defy that statistic, but there are people out there who resent and mistrust those who excel/succeed beyond their perceived “station” (to quote my great aunt Betty). Maybe they see your success as a result of positive discrimination, or maybe they feel intimated by the realisation that you had to work that much harder than they did, and that makes them uncomfortable?

      I’ve also found that people can be very blinkered to the lives, experiences and turmoil of others. If their circumstances and those of their friends are all similar, they will be more likely to assume other people they come across will match up. And the more this is proven correct, the more confused (and possibly lacking in empathy) they will be when they meet a person who defies that bias by being different.

      I had a similar experience to yourself in my 20s, only the other way around. I came from a middle class background but struggled to find work, wound up in a minimum wage job for five years, and then out of work entirely for seven due to mental health problems and caring for my ailing mother. I lived in a poor area, worked with working class people, and generally hung out with a similar crowd. At best they thought I was a bit weird (talked funny, had strange hobbies, had a useless arts degree while the only two people in the social circle who made decent money had both left school at 16 and worked their way up). People were nice, but found me quirky and eccentric. At worst, I was regarded as the “poor little rich girl”, had to be reminded that my education was worth nothing here, told that my aspirations to get out of shift work/retail hell and into an office were deluded because “9 to 5 office jobs don’t exist any more”, and basically told to suck it up and get used to being poor because this is what life is like and I was an entitled brat to think I could do any better. There are people of all backgrounds who view their experience as universal, and some can feel threatened by those who defy the rule.

      As for the guys you are meeting, it’s tempting to just put “sexism” and call it a day, but to delve a little deeper… If these guys are used to women who come from wealthy homes, who only work for extra pocket money or depend on family for cash, it could be that they are thrown by your apparent self-reliance. Even in today’s supposedly enlightened times, there are men who are threatened by successful women. Maybe they expect to be the primary breadwinner, effectively taking over the role of the parents/family in supporting their wife financially, and if you’re supporting yourself, then that throws a spanner into their (really quite paternalistic) plan. You might be able to leave at any time! Shudder GASP! You may expect more from them than simply paying the bills and buying you clothes! The HORROR! But, if it’s any consolation, you can probably consider this an effective screening against these sorts of guys, because would you really want to be with anybody like that anyway? I wish I could offer advice, but all I have is an attempt at an explanation! Wishing you well!

      1. matcha123*

        The more I think about it, the more it seems to be a kind of cultural mismatch.
        Being raised by a single parent or being an independent woman isn’t uncommon in my one parent’s background. Women aren’t raised to look for a man to take care of them, they are raised to do what they can to take care of themselves and their families. In the US, the majority paints these kind of women as ignorant if they are low-income and rabid, man-hating “feminists” if they are part of the college-educated majority.

    3. Asenath*

      There’s nothing weird about being a single independent woman or from a low-income background. Some people might think so, and some subset of those will get annoyed with you – why? Maybe they’re uncomfortable with someone who shows that their assumptions about people might be based on inaccurate assumptions. Who knows? Not your problem, really. It just part of the tapestry of life – there’s lots of people out there, most of them will be different from you, and some of them will have ideas that offend you. You don’t have to take them all that seriously.

      And sometimes they put their own feet in their mouths. When I was starting out, I managed to get a job before I found a place to live, which was quite a struggle given my income and the local rental situation. So one day I came to work, and jubilantly announced that I’d found a place to rent. A co-worker asked where, and when I told her, she was horrified. It was a terrible street to live on! I might as well live in…in.. X Street, obviously the worst location she could think of. It also happened to be where the husband of another co-worker, who was part of the conversation, grew up and where his family still lived. He was currently in medical school. We laughed about it, although not in her hearing, since she was basically well-intentioned even if she was unduly alarmist about living in the poorer neighbourhoods.

    5. Lora*

      I don’t even know and I’ve been doing this crap for decades. Even before I got divorced I was the breadwinner in the house and people had a problem with that. I used to get regular lectures from presumably well meaning people that I was emasculating my then husband. I always wondered if they thought we should live without insurance, starving, on his income (less than half of mine) or what? Like, where do they reckon money comes from, exactly?

      I don’t know. It’s very mysterious to me, how such people think. I can only tell you that the overwhelming majority of my male colleagues have either stay at home wives or wives who work only part time at a not-well-paid job in service type of roles.

      According to my mom and some friends from more traditional cultures, if you aren’t married and relying on a man, it’s because you are a Leftover Woman and there’s something inherently Wrong with you. So they’re trying to figure out what it is, that is your problem, and if only you fix this fault you will get your very own man to make sandwiches for, and then you can just shut up and conform to their notion of happiness and quit disturbing their retrograde, quaint ideas about how the world works.

      1. matcha123*

        I agree. I can kind of understand why a guy or person would feel down making significantly less than their spouse, but…would they rather be homeless?! Sometimes I feel like some people want to blame women for being smart because in the past average men could get by being average. Nowadays they need to be more.
        I don’t know, but glad to know I’m not completely crazy here.

      1. matcha123*

        I am! Some of this is related to being here, but I am from the US and have gotten this attitude? from some people back home.
        Unfortunately…imo.

        1. Thursday Next*

          In my long-ago experience living in Japan, there was still an expectation that a woman would quit working after having a baby, which charts a pretty direct course of marriage+baby-work.

          But I’ve been thinking about your question, and I think people tend to assume that the people they’re talking to or associating with are very much like themselves, so the revelation of differences can be surprising. Maybe it’s naïveté, or coming from a homogeneous town, or even incuriosity about other people.

          My immigrant parents socialized with other immigrants who were largely doctors and engineers, and my high school cohort’s parents were all white-collar, so it wasn’t until I got to college that I met first-generation college students. I can’t remember if I had any expectations of what that meant; it was long ago. But if it was any kind of surprise to me then, it was a really positive one. I admire my friends who weren’t just doing something because that’s what their (rigid! immigrant!) parents wanted them to do, who earned scholarships and worked their way through school.

          I’m surprised and sorry that people are reacting to you this way. It’s small-minded and says a lot about them.

          1. matcha123*

            That expectation is still there, despite stagnant wages and the more present threat of being laid off. Of course there are men and women who are challenging those ingrained ideals, but many still conform to them. I can understand the cultural difference, but it does grate on my nerves. At the moment, I’m getting the “grr single woman with no kids!!” vibe from some locals and a “ugh, what do you mean you don’t come from an upper-middle class family like me?!” vibe from some other Americans living here.

            I can’t just blame it on Japan because my first-generation college grad parent experienced similar reactions.

            For what it’s worth, I grew up in a similar high-pressure home and had many immigrant friends, most? of whom had parents with degrees. It has been interesting to see how “average” white Americans are reacting to changes in schools where higher grades are becoming more important. I think once we have more third and later immigrant kids in school and diversity in general, we’ll start to see families being more relaxed about grades. For now, education is one of the few ways to have doors cracked open for groups that aren’t a part of the majority.

            1. Thursday Next*

              Expat culture can be weird. We knew lots of people on JET, but also people whose companies transferred them from their home countries, and they had a very different lifestyle. I wonder if that’s part of it?

              I’m stumped as to the assumptions of upper middle class status. Although, come to think of it, I’ve had a couple of conversations with parents this week where each parent assumed I was like them, economically, and the reality was that I was right smack in the middle. But these assumptions did shape the direction of the conversations, and I’m always uncomfortable when that happens.

              I hear you on education. It is a path to mobility, for sure. FWIW, I tell my son that sleeping is more important than homework—a betrayal of my parents’ immigrant values. ;)

              1. matcha123*

                Actually, you kind of hit on something with your example. I am almost always in a conversation with someone new when they pull the conversation in a direction that is “us *wink, wink*” and even though I can understand their references, I feel it’s closer to growing up watching people at a dinner party through a window and then talking to them about it a few days later. Do I tell them I was out in the cold while they were popping champagne bottles? Or do I talk about how funny it was when the cork got stuck in the chandelier?

                My friends with kids that experienced that high-pressure growing up all seem to have put that aside. They achieved the stability needed for a more balanced life. You’re definitely not alone there!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      After reading through here, I feel like my thoughts are very simplistic.

      I think that anyone who raises above their circumstance is heroic. It’s not our fault if we get a rocky launch in life, but knowing that does NOT make it easier. And that is because we still have to deal with our circumstances.

      So, yeah, I tend to think that we have heroes all around us and we can find inspiration through other people’s choices and actions on a regular basis.

      This is all to say, I think you are inspiring. I’d be willing to bet there is a couple other people who think so, too.

      Do you have anyone who inspires you?

      1. matcha123*

        I have been quite impressed by what a number of my peers are doing. You are right about finding inspiration in your surroundings! I would much prefer to focus good energy towards friends who are doing good for the world.

    8. Traveling Teacher*

      Not at all weird! You’re amazing!

      Some people just don’t understand independence. Hold out for someone who deserves you! I can assure you that it’s worth waiting for either:

      a) someone who values your hard-earned independence and sees you as the pearl you are–who doesn’t want a partner who knows how to earn her own money and budget well?!–and sees the value of money in a similar way to you.

      b) and /or someone who has a similar background and trajectory (my case). The lack of financial arguments is great for us as a couple because we have the same perspective on why and how we save and spend money!

      Consider these men’s scornful attitude towards your background a fair warning! I have friends from back home who now have to contend with their spouse’s extravagant tastes and a general lack of understanding of the basic principle that money earned should be greater than money spent…the majority of such spouses come from moneyed backgrounds.

  33. Pumpkin Pie Spice*

    I live in a diverse low income neighborhood. I’ve discovered that a neighbor is running a 24×7 no barrier drop in center for addicts and the homeless out of their home. The city I live in has many programs to help people and they are well advertised, so I’m not sure what gap this is filling. Our neighborhood has scores of abandoned buildings, a high amount of litter, and numerous panhandlers. I’m not sure these people are aware of the issues this can cause a neighborhood that is already struggling and shouldering other burdens. I literally had a panhandler knock on my door this week telling me he just got out of jail. We’ve also had many of these vacant builds burn down lately due to squarters. How do not sound like an a- hole NIMBY when confronting this situation? I’m finding it’s easy for people who don’t live in the area to minimize the situation, and say that I’m selfish for not wanting this.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Honestly I think you need to call the police and/or your city. From a city perspective your neighbour is probably not zoned for this (they’re a residence, but basically running a business). I also live adjacent to a diverse low-income area, and there are signs all over the place telling people not to give to panhandlers (some become aggressive) and with the local phone number for services for the homeless. Does your city have services like this that you can call?

      If you are fearing for your safety I think you need to call the police, maybe not 911 but just to make them aware of the situation.

      It’s laudable your neighbour wants to help (I’m assuming their goal is to help) but this is not the way.

    2. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

      Report your neighbor to 311. That’s completely crazy, dangerous, and there’s no way she’s got whatever permits and zoning or whatever necessary.

    3. fposte*

      Is this an under-the-radar thing? In my area there’d be legal restriction on such a program, including zoning law (and he’s probably in breach of his lease if he’s renting). I might consult with the best-known local homelessness org to get their take on it; depending on how your city works I could see talking to the non-emergency police number for their take as well.

      One reason I would suggest the homelessness org is that it could be possible he’s not drawing new people to the area but making those already present safer in both directions–people under supervision in a house are less likely to burn something down than people in a squat. But I don’t know what kind of tradeoffs play out in a facility like the one you describe in general and they’re probably different from area to area, so somebody who knows the population there are probably best informed and most reliable if the advice is, say, “call the cops now.”

    4. Pumpkin Pie Spice*

      I’ve made the city zoning department aware of the place. Zoning is definitely a resolution I’m going to pursue. These people have a large social media following that are sympathetic to their work, and have the ear of our community policing program. A drop in center a few blocks from them that has formalized programs also has their support. To top if off, they have small children in the home . It is bewildering that people can overlook how things can go wrong and the impact on neighbors, because, hey look at all the good we do. I don’t think they realize that they can’t control what people do outside of their supervision, and that some of these people are calibrating their behavior for them. Picking up liquor bottles/cans is a daily thing.

      1. Natalie*

        Have you talked to them at all about the actual livability issues – the cans, the panhandling, etc? If they want to be able to keep doing this kind of community work, they may well be motivated to solve those problems.

        1. Pumpkin Pie Spice*

          I monitor the social media account. On a post when I mentioned the trash situation it was stated that I should pitch in and organize a clean up in my area. They said they pick up their block, so they were doing their part, and I should do mine. I pick up trash every day when I walk my dog, and I supervised juveniles sentenced to community service picking up trash almost every Saturday this summer in the area. Guess what, every day there is more trash. I started saving the 24oz beer cans to sell, so I was getting something out of it. When I mentioned the house fires, the response is we don’t encourage people to squat. Honestly, I’m hoping between building code/zoning violations I reported and donor fatigue, it will die on the vine.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, I think I misunderstood–all these problems started *after* the drop-in center was opened? Crap. Then it really is drawing stuff to the neighborhood. And it sounds like you’re already putting in a lot more work than most people when it comes to your neighborhood.

            1. Pumpkin Pie Spice*

              I’ve lived in the area for four years. Can I say everything negative that happens is attributed to them? Maybe not. But the panhandling started escalating last spring, as well as the fires, and open encampments. Not to judge, but what really puzzles me is that nobody questions the presence of her children at this place. Like 24×7 because they homeschooled. There’s all kinds of “successes” that don’t add up, like sending a person with cancer to another state to live on short notice. OK, so you have a person who has challenges to find new doctors, change insurance, and transfer medical records. Or….maybe the cancer is self reported and they got duped. Then there was the premi newborn dropped off by the new mom while she needed some time, and the mom had some kind of barrier to going to the newborn support center a few blocks away.

                1. valentine*

                  I wouldn’t mess with their housing and closing the place down is just going to lead to more squatters.

          2. Jaid*

            Dump the trash on their doorstep and explain that its from their “customers”. Tell the supporters online that these folks are unlicensed and do not have a neighborhood buy-in. Tell them that their customers are begging from the neighbors. It’s sweet that this family wants to help people, but there’s a place and means for doing it and this. This ain’t it.

            Kidding, but jeeze.

      2. WellRed*

        In addition to zoning how is your city on fire and safety inspections? That could be an adjacent angle to go at the problem. Someone will eventually get hurt or worse. Seen it happen.

    5. LCL*

      First, stop worrying about sounding like a NIMBY. That word in my city has become a slur used against anyone who doesn’t support massive overdevelopment and massive restrictions on free mobility. Stop talking to people who think you are being selfish. If they don’t live next door to this stuff they have no clue. The climate and atmosphere of many areas in my city has been destroyed by the free ranging feral druggies.

      Use the machinery of the city to fight this. That’s what you pay taxes for. Anytime there is something that looks like a violation of the law, report it. Don’t be vindictive or petty in what you report. But you can certainly call CPS about the kids, call the code enforcement people about junk, call the cops about obvious lawbreaking. And put some no trespassing signs up on your property. Yes, the people that you are seeing are seriously messed up human beings. We all deserve compassion. Compassion doesn’t mean putting up with carprowls and discarded used needles and sh12 on the sidewalk and in the bushes and yelling empty eyed people picking fights. FWIW, the things I mentioned aren’t exaggerations, in my city.

      1. ..Kat..*

        I think this is good advice. However, I wonder if the No Trespassing signs might put a target on OP’s back. One other thing I would do is make sure my house is secure – good locks on door and windows.

        1. LCL*

          In my city, you can’t get someone removed from your property or have them charged with anything if they are prowling but haven’t stolen something yet unless you have the property posted no trespassing. That’s one of they way squatters select their targets-by looking for places that aren’t posted. Then evicting them can become much more arduous. A no trespassing sign is a standard urban accessory in some areas.

    6. LGC*

      I’ve discovered that a neighbor is running a 24×7 no barrier drop in center for addicts and the homeless out of their home.

      Wait, what?!

      So, my first suggestion would be to send this to every advice columnist you can think of because I want to see their reactions to this. (I imagine the phrase “life is a rich tapestry” will come up fairly often in response.)

      On a more serious note…so I read the further details, and wow. This is why these things are regulated – it’s not that the client base doesn’t need the service, it’s just that the way they’re going around providing the service is actively harming the community they’re in. And the fact that they told you, “well just organize a neighborhood cleanup ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” is…galling.

      I’d definitely report at this point. They’re creating a public nuisance, and it might be the case that they’re not set up properly as well (you mentioned donations, and I’d think they would have to register as a charity at that point).

      (One more note: It’s not the “addicts and homeless” that are the real problem here – at least in my view. It’s that they’re not taking care of the neighborhood, and neither is your neighbor.)

  34. Lady Jay*

    Anybody else getting flooding right now? My area of the country has received 3-4 times the usual amount of rain for February, it’s been raining since yesterday at around noon, and the water has started to cover the roads in many places around town. It’s insane, y’all. :(

    That said, SHOUTOUT to whoever recommended a couple of weeks ago that I go swimming to deal with cold, grey, wet days. I’m usually a runner, but I’ve been swimming for the last two days, and it is *wonderful* on rainy days.

    1. Lost but not alone*

      Yes! It’s been raining in my area since Tuesday. The creeks are all flooded and roads are closed because of it. I’m ready for some sunshine or at least a day with absolutely no rain. Stay dry!

    2. Liane*

      Sorry you’re dealing with that. We had a flood watch from Wed to this evening, but it seems to have been cancelled early.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      We’re not flooding too much yet, but we’re close. It’s been raining intermittently all week and got really bad yesterday. The ground is completely saturated. It’s supposed to keep raining throughout the week.

      My dog, who refuses to walk in the rain, asked to go out during the lightest rain of the day and managed to stay out with me for about 45 minutes. If he’s that desperate, it means this stuff will keep coming for a while.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      The sun just came out here after a rainy week. The forecast looks dry this week for the first time in a while–if it wasn’t rain, it was ice and snow.

      But with it, the loud dogs. Ugh.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m jealous about the swimming… I haven’t been able to make the town pool lap swim for oh geez a couple of weeks.

  35. Foster Cat Mama Drama*

    I’ve been fostering a 9 year floofy cat whose owner recently passed away. He’s been with me about 3 weeks. I’ve fostered about 5 cat since my last boy passed away 2 years ago and I think I’m close to ready to adopt. I thought perhaps this guy would be mine. Thing is although he’s friendly and playful, he’s not super affectionate. My previous boy was all about me, though his brother was slightly feral and was equally friendly, but scared of too much attention. That was fine with me, because I had the lovebug.

    Anyway, foster cat was/is acclimating ok. We’ve had some good moments. He will let me pick him up for about 30 seconds and petting isn’t a problem. So the other day, I tested trying to cuddle him and he FREAKED out. Bit me my finger ridiculously hard, and punctured it. (I’m currently typing with 9 fingers as my index finger is bandaged and swathed in neosporin.) I absolutely realize I pushed him too far and he is not traumatized or frightened of me. So, things seem mostly back to normal. He’s a little tentative about sitting on the loveseat where I attempted this. But, I’m now on the fence about adoption. If I could get another more affectionate cat I know that would help. But I live in a studio and it’s really just not possible to do a safe and appropriate introduction. Also, he’s still new to the apartment and it seems very unfair to introduce a new element to a new living situation.

    I dunno what I want to do. I don’t really have to make a decision now. I guess I’m just disappointed.

    1. fposte*

      Ouch! That’s not good for either of you; I’m sorry. Can you say what you mean by “cuddle him”? I could see that fitting a lot of different actions.

      I think it’s okay for this not to be the cat for you, and it sounds like his job may have been to teach you that you’re ready to adopt a cat again even if it’s not him. I wouldn’t overfocus on the “if only I could get a second cat” thing, either; it’s possible what you’d get are a pair of cats that get their cuddle needs from each other and not you anyway. It sounds like maybe you like a really mellow, lapsitty kind of cat (that’s my favorite kind too), and perhaps it’s time for you to be more active in searching for the cat you really want.

      1. Foster Cat Mama Drama*

        We were on the loveseat and he was being purry and headbutty. So I wrapped my arm around him and scooched him towards me. It was too much. I know it was too much. We have a perfectly congenial relationship at the moment, but I can’t say he completely trusts me yet.

        1. fposte*

          Ah, yes, the scooch–I know it well! I do think that it’s not even simply a question of trust, though–I’ve known very loving and lapsitty cats (and dogs) who really want to retain their bodily autonomy, and will happily come curl up with or on people but don’t like being physically relocated there when that wasn’t their plan. (And fair enough–I’d be like that as a pet too.) So I think it’s possible that even had you waited longer, this wasn’t going to be the cat you were looking for. I wish that point had been made somewhat less drastically, though!

          1. Gerald*

            I have fostered so many cats, and I agree with fposte – it sounds like you aren’t the best match.

            I have worked with semi-ferals (cats who are young enough to have a hope of being rehabilitated) and know what it is like to work with an animal that can change. But ‘love me, pet me, but don’t pick me up’ types are different.

            This may become your cat, but I think you will be happier if you find this one a home and then ask the rescue to find you a cuddly foster. There are so many cats who need homes, so you should find the right one.

            I had a friend who wanted a very specific personality of cat. The rescue was happy to send her a few suggestions and she fell in love with their top pick. Cat rescues are usually keen to help their fosters!

    2. Animal worker*

      If having an affectionate cat that you can hold and cuddle is important to you, then the best thing you can do for both of you is probably to not adopt this one and get another. As someone who has and works with animals, the most successful relationships come when we accept each animal on their own personalities and qualities. When we want them to fit a certain mold, unless by luck it so happens that they have those characteristics naturally, it’s usually a recipe for disappointment which isn’t the best situation for animal or human. So appreciate that you are thinking this through as to whether or not this is the cat for you. He’s shown you that either he’s not the type of affectionate cuddler you’re hoping for, or that he hasn’t reached that with you. Hopefully with that information from him, you can make an informed decision about moving forward, and respect his wishes and not push the issue. Good luck to you both.

    3. Not All*

      There are SO many cats needing homes, I think you both would be happier if you stick with fostering this one until he can go to home with people who prefer a cat who isn’t into being held and then look for a long term cat who loves physical attention.

      I’ve fostered more cats than I can count and they are all different. Think of it like dating…just because someone is a good person doesn’t mean the 2 of you are a good match and that you wouldn’t be happier with someone else. Same thing with pets…my parents dogs are very nice but they drive me NUTS and would never own them by choice (yappy). My very dignified and mellow rottie/mastiff wasn’t their cup of tea at all because he was too big to take a lot of places and wasn’t a hunting dog.

      2. Foster Cat Mama Drama*

        I used to work in animal welfare, so I’ve worked with animals of all kinds. (that sounds snarky, it’s not meant to be, just providing background) I think I was trying too hard to advance the relationship/test boundaries when he wasn’t quite there and I’m disappointed in myself. There’s the added coincidence that I received the cat on the anniversary of my last cat’s death and he was here for my birthday. I thought fate could be making a play and so I’m a tad oversensitive about him.

        I have to try and remember what it was like when I first adopted my other two. I did feel a bit conflicted when I first brought each of them home. So, I’m kind of not being fair to myself or the cat. The bite is just a constant temporary reminder about being conflicted.

        But, I appreciate all the words of support, wisdom and advice!

        1. Animal worker*

          This is great background. I have a friend who fosters dogs who has been going through the same thing right now working with a challenging dog, trying to get the timing right to move things forward without triggering him, which is a challenging balance to find. She went through the same neosporin and bandage stage as you are with him recently. Sounds like you’re a great pet owner, and I’m sure you’ll end at the right place for you and the cat, whatever that ends up being. Best of luck.

    4. Fang’s Mom*

      I took in a compulsive biter and was at my wits end until my vet prescribed 10mg Elavil twice a day. She calls the script into pharmacy. The pills are tiny, coating hides bitter taste, and they fit easily into those greenie pill pockets. There is a side effect of drowsiness but for a cat that’s a feature not a bug. Total game changer. He’s even chill enough to let me start re-socializing him.

      1. Foster Cat Mama Drama*

        He’s not really a biter. Though that would have been handy with the hyper 1 year old I was fostering who was quite the nipper. (After 4 months, he ended up going to a different foster who was experienced with kittens) The one other time he used his mouth was about 2 weeks ago when he playfully nipped my ankle from under the bed, it was so gentle it almost tickled and it was evident he was wanting to play. What happened the other day was definitely a scared-WTF are you doing? bite.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      We adopted a 5.5 mo old who seemed like he would never come out from hiding, never not panic at any loud noise or sudden movement, and definitely never be affectionate beyond tolerating being briefly held. Two months later I have to shoo him off my lap, where he insists on being any time that I am seated. He is a nibbler (does that ever go away??) and still does panic at loud sudden sounds or movements, leaving scratches behind. But I have his trust and he totally seeks me out for company. But, he is a kitten and although his early kitten-hood was tough (feral colony rescue, briefly socialized in a foster situation, transferred across the state, and kept somewhat in isolation for a week before we adopted him), he doesn’t have years of history that would affect his needs and behavior.

      Your cat is older, so may not be as likely to change much even after being with you for more time. However, three weeks is still early, relatively. Our guy didn’t come out of the room we kept him in for at least that long. If you’re not under any time pressure to decide and you’re willing to foster him a bit longer, I say keep the status quo and see how he adapts.

    6. gecko*

      Ah, bummer. It always feels so bad to test a cat’s boundary a bit and be like “oh no that was way further than I thought.”

      I know it feels disappointing, but you’re still at the beginning of your relationship. I wonder if it would help to work with him really intentionally on reading his other signals—like stop petting him exactly when his tail gets a little twitchy and work up from there—so he gets reassured that he doesn’t have to use his last resort.

      Plus that could bond you a bit :)

  36. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going.
    The deadline for a writing competition I’m gonna be doing is tomorrow. I’m nervous as shit.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      After what felt like weeks of being stuck on one chapter and only writing 100 words a day, I’ve finally broken through and I’ve been writing much more easily now so I’m getting through the first draft a little quicker than before.

      Good luck with the competition.

    2. Liane*

      Finally got over the 2 roadblocks on one of my blog writeups. First was a backstory to go with the stats for a D&D character & the second was finishing the character portrait. I finally got both done! Now onto the next! I am still a month ahead, but I work better when I stay way ahead. I also have several April publishing dates I prioritized, because I was going to be busy with other things when those would be due–and I have them in varying stages.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I finished the phonology on my conlang and have now begun morphology. Blergh. I’ve forgotten all the grammatical terms I learned in college, so I dug out my English grammar book so I can re-learn them. This shit is HARD! WHAT AM I DOING LOL! I did start using root words when I was just making shit up, without really thinking about it. Taking French in college long ago is making it easier to construct idiomatic expressions. And, I was also gratified to learn that when working on the phonology, I’d unwittingly allowed for linguistic drift as well. Tolkien I’m not, but this is kind of fun.

      I decided to base it loosely on Welsh, since the words look a little bit like a weird version of it anyway. And when I speak it according to my phonology, it sounds a lot like someone speaking Welsh with a Scottish accent. Think Edinburgh with a tapped [r] but never trilled.

      I’m spending too much time on this–the damn thing won’t even come into its full use until Book 3. I really need to write something else because I’ve nearly convinced myself no one will ever want any of these. :P

    4. The Other Dawn*

      The only writing I do nowadays is my blog, but, man, I do not feel like writing posts. They’re getting few and far between, maybe twice a month. I just don’t feel like it and I’m considering shutting it down. I don’t know. A lot of it stems from my back pain issues, that I don’t like to sit for long at my desk. Some of it is just not having anything interesting to write about. I mean, it’s just my own personal blog, but I still don’t know what to write about sometimes. I get tired writing about how my back still hurts, or posting food I made that I really don’t need to be eating.

  38. Foreign Octopus*

    Oh my god.

    I think I’m about to die from second hand embarrassment.

    I’m sitting outside a café in my local town (there’s a weird festival going on that I have no idea what it is about but it’s bright, colourful, and the children look adorable in their local outfits) and this guy just got everyone’s attention so that he could propose to his girlfriend in the middle of it all. She said no and ran away. I’m cringing so hard over here.

    Why? Why publicly propose, hombre? Just why?!

    2. Thursday Next*

      Poor guy. I don’t know how public proposals became romanticized, but it’s really unfortunate. Ideally, the proposal should be a formality, not the first time marriage is under discussion!

      She was really brave to say no—public pressure is intense.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes to this.
        The proposer must be sure they’re going to get a yes before they propose in public. This includes prom invites, too. Let’s go back to private proposals. We can’t top what’s already on YouTube.

      2. blackcat*

        I feel so much worse for the woman! She probably thought she was going to have a nice lunch, and now has the worst embarrassing moment of her life.

    3. Sherm*

      Yup, public proposals are just not a good idea. I would feel second-hand embarrassment even if she said yes. Keep it private, folks. Your rejection could be viewed by millions of people on Youtube — and I’m not exaggerating there.

      Oh well, I guess this hombre doesn’t need convincing of that anymore!

    4. Karen from Finance*

      Agreed, I don’t understand the idea of a public proposal even when it just means “in a public environment where everyone can see”. But asking for everyone’s attention for it? Not having discussed the idea of marriage previously (and thus not being 1000% sure the answer would be yes)?

      At best, it’s very… presumptuous, isn’t it?

      I feel sorry for both of them, but mostly for the lady. Yikes.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I tell my partner quite often that if he ever does that to me, I will not only say no, I will leave him immediately. I’m only half joking. He can propose to me in public if he wants, but more along the lines of sitting at a bar and saying, “Hey, let’s do this on April 17th. Oh, here’s a ring.”

      Poor woman!

    6. Athousandeyesandone*

      If someone publicly proposed to me, I would question whether they knew me at all. I do not like being being put on the spot lol.

    7. Lissa*

      oh god this is my nightmare too! Witnessing it even. Nooooo! I can’t help but wonder how long they were together and the situation, because I’m nosy – every public proposal I’ve seen/heard of has either been done with the knowledge that the answer will be “yes” and that the person receiving it will be into it (in which case great! not for me but awesome for you) or has been pretty early in the relationship, often before the other person had even realized marriage was “on the table” and shows one person is WAY more intense than the other. Oh, or a last ditch “fix the relationship after I messed up” thing.

    8. Luisa*

      Allow me (in my capacity as a fan) to plug Jasmine Guillory’s excellent novel The Proposal, which opens with a scene much like this!

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      I was at a gig/club night a few months back where a guy got on stage to propose to his girlfriend of a few years (there were pictures of their relationship on the back screen and everything), she said yes, and then when I saw him a couple of weeks ago (at the same event) they’d split up. So I can imagine there’s a *lot* of pressure to say yes, and fair play to the girl in your situation for being brave enough to say no there and then. I do feel sorry for both of them though.

      I’ve got nothing against being proposed to in a public place with no-one else around (though admittedly I’m biased because that’s how my husband proposed to me), but the idea of an involves-people-other-than-the-couple public proposal actually makes me cringe. I think you’ve *really* got to know the person will a) say yes and b) like that sort of thing before even remotely considering it.

      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        I think a private proposal in a public place is lovely, but the whole “look at me, look at us, watch me propose” show is distasteful to me.

  40. Mighty Bullfrog*

    I’ve read a lot of threads on the weekend post about finding new hobbies and/or meeting people. I have the reverse of this question, and I think you all would have some good thoughts.

    I help run a community band. We desperately need more folks who play certain instruments, and would love to have more people involved in our group playing all instruments in general. What are your suggestions or ideas for connecting with more folks and getting them involved with our band?

    We have a facebook and a meetup page. I’m thinking of posting flyers in local music stores.

    How have you connected with local community groups that you are now involved in, especially if they are the kind that meet once a week in person?

    1. fposte*

      A few things come to mind. I think participation in such groups is declining generally (I suspect longer work hours and more kid obligations are the factors there); I’ve been in a chorus that was born and died within two years and a long-term chorus whose numbers are much less than they used to be. So I think the struggle is universal.

      I would say that the high cost on the doomed chorus was a big barrier, so anything you can do to minimize the cost factor will help. I’d think about expanding the flyers beyond music stores to coffee shops and artsy venues, and also reach out to local colleges and community colleges, and, if you can include minors, high schools.

      (It’s oboes, isn’t it? Never enough oboes.)

      1. Mighty Bullfrog*

        Its actually drummers, if you’d believe it.

        Thanks for the suggestions! We’re pretty low cost, beside getting the instrument. We carpool to competitions, and most of the uniform is provided.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Is there a local FB community group you could post on? Would you take kids who love music but not the school bands? (Discipline, cost, time required, or simply social cliques.)
          Would you help teach people who can’t read music? Or who can read chorus music not percussion notation?
          And don’t underestimate the power of recruiting at parades–have an open house or two shortly after the parade and give out fliers.
          Consider having some practices at different times in case you’re up against someone’s hard commitment.
          I really wish I could do my local town band…a big reason I’m starting to think about a new job is to free up 90+ minutes a day in drive time.
          (And I used to play cymbals in college marching band.)

          1. Mighty Bullfrog*

            A local community FB group is a good idea – thank you!

            We would take kids who love music but not school bands. Our kind of band often gets home schooled kids. And we often do take people who don’t read music, regular or percussion.

            We probably wouldn’t change our time. We already have a solid 40+ people who have this time blocked out on their weekly calendars.

          2. Mighty Bullfrog*

            Also the parade idea is a good one – we are just about to order a bunch of business cards that we can hand out at parades. They say “Interested in joining [Band Name]? + Contact info” and images of us performing in the past.

            90 mins of driving a day is a lot!

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              Yup… I have not had time to oplay any instrument regularly in years. At least knitting can go to work…Lots quieter than even my recorder.
              Also think about piano players for your percussion section… we learn xylophone fast. And then I got asked to hold cymbals for the snare… and then it was time for the Alma Mater and oooh I got to be LOUD! LOL.

    2. AndersonDarling*

      I know lots of people who see band flyers and think “They probably want someone really committed and will practice every night. I can’t commit to that.” And then the opposite, “I’m tired of bands that aren’t serious, I bet they just want to jam when they feel like it.”
      So I’d make it clear what kind of band it is, how often you practice, what level of skill you are looking for, and how often you perform. It sounds kinda like a job ad, but if you put it out there, it gives strangers the confidence that you have thought it through and are serious. Good luck!

      1. Mighty Bullfrog*

        Thanks! I have to think about how we would phrase this. We have two levels of bands, so you generally come in at the more beginner level, and if you practice a lot, end up moving into the higher level band.

        So we are looking for absolute beginner level of skill, but also that people even at the beginner level take it somewhat seriously. There are other bands in town that are more music + drinking club, where we are a little more focused on technical stuff and improving. I’ll have to think about how to phrase that for poster/facebook purposes.

    3. Natalie*

      Are there any music schools in your area? I take lessons at a school that serves mostly kids but also has quite a lot of adult students.

      1. Mighty Bullfrog*

        Putting posters up at music schools is a good idea. We play un-traditional music (if I specified it would easily out us I think), so we might get folks who have done concert/symphony instruments would like to try our kind of instruments that way.

    4. HannahS*

      Is there a college near you? You might be able to post flyers around to attract young people, especially if there’s a music department.

      1. Mighty Bullfrog*

        We’re actually partly associated with a college, and we do a decent job of going to the ‘organization fair’ at the beginning of the year, posting flying on campus, and recruiting students. Its the community members at large that we have more trouble with. Also, the students take a while to learn the instrument (most haven’t played our before) and leave once they graduate.

    5. louise*

      I’m part of a community chorus that’s only active for 2-3 months each year. This year we made a concerted effort to recruit new members by highlighting in a letter how short term a commitment it is and by sending those letters to area teachers and church choir directors. Would it be possible to do something short term, where folks just need to attend x number of rehearsals before the gig on 0/0/19? A “no strings attached” kind of thing might get more people to try it and see if it’s for them than would come out if they thought they needed to make a bigger commitment.

      1. louise*

        And now I see the note about an unusual instrument that can take awhile to learn…so maybe a demonstration concert/open house where people can touch the instruments and get a feel for them?

        1. Mighty Bullfrog*

          Thanks for the ideas! We did do a spaghetti dinner for the community (free/pay what you can) with instrument demos for about 3 years. We didn’t recruit any folks through it and it was a lot of work to put on, so we stopped.

    6. Marion Ravenwood*

      My initial thoughts:

      – Get Twitter and Instagram as well as Facebook. Maybe a website/blog as well (if you don’t have these already)
      – I’d go wider with the flyers – not just music stores and coffee shops, but also libraries, community centres etc. Sometimes supermarkets and post offices have bulletin boards where people put up flyers too. Music teachers as well maybe (particularly for the instruments you’re looking for). Basically, the more people you can get it in front of, the more likely it is the person you’re looking for will see it (or hear about it).
      – Are there any community groups for your town/area on Facebook/Twitter etc who could share your group’s details?
      – Word of mouth! Do announcements to the group after practice saying you’re looking for more people, or send emails regularly (again, if you’re not doing this already). It might help nudge people into thinking of people they know who might want to come along.
      – Can you incorporate the group info into your uniforms somehow? Even just name and social handles could work.

  41. hermit crab*

    Hi everyone! My husband and I are currently renters, but we’re in the process of buying a place. We’ve had an offer accepted and closing is scheduled for a few weeks out. This whole process is kind of ridiculous but there is one silly question I haven’t been able to resolve: when do you give notice to your landlord and, like, start putting your stuff in boxes??

    Obviously nothing is final until closing so I don’t want to be premature if it doesn’t work out. On the other hand, it seems weird to wait until closing to do all the logistical stuff associated with moving, finding a subletter, etc. What am I missing here? (We aren’t under any fixed deadlines to move out of our current place into the new one but we’d of course prefer to not be paying rent longer than necessary.)

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      We started to pack and gave notice when we got a firm closing date. At that point, it should be pretty safe, although of course everyone’s mileage will vary. Good luck!

    2. Liane*

      Your lease should have a clause as to how much notice you have to give without being liable for additional rent or fees. That is the minimum you should give. If not, I’d say 2 weeks or a month, which should be enough to box up, move, and clean. Take time off work if you can, it will go faster if you can devote full days to moving.
      You also want to have at least 2 weeks’ overlap (more is better if you can afford it) of when you start moving into your new home and when you have to be out of the rental. Also don’t forget to have the utilities in your name and ON at the house for this overlap time–you will want to be able to see, use the bathroom, have coffee, etc. there–as well as at the rental. All the utility companies I’ve dealt with can do this easily.

      1. hermit crab*

        Sorry, I should have phrased that better – I know that we have to give 30 days’ notice per our lease, but I’m wondering when those 30 days should start (if that makes sense). It would be the least risky to wait until after closing to give notice, but that would mean paying rent for a full month after that point. I’ve moved a few times within this neighborhood in the past (the new place is like a 10-minute walk from our current place), and I know that we don’t need an entire month to move.

        1. Christy*

          Wait until after closing. What if something goes wrong and then you have to move anyway?! An extra month rent is less than an extra move would cost.

    3. Lcsa99*

      I think my husband and I started doing a little bit of the packing once we knew we were accepted by the board, and went full swing into it when we had a firm closing date. (So we gave ourselves about a month to pack a one bedroom apartment).

      As for when to let your landlord know -we had been talking to them for most of the time we were looking, so they knew it was coming and they told us several times that they would be flexible. They let us know we didn’t have to worry about finishing out the lease or anything so once all the documents were signed and we had a moving date we let them know. If you haven’t talked to your current landlord yet … I don’t know. I would look at your lease to see if it says anything. If there aren’t any sort of rules or guidelines I think I would talk to them as soon as the closing is done.

      1. Lo Flo*

        Talk to your landlord now and ask what you can work out. If one my tenants was moving to buy a house, I would totally support them. You also might want to offer that your landlord can market the unit before you move out. This will reduce any income interruption for the landlord.

    4. Rick Tq*

      Your lease agreement will have the terms for notice, etc. but don’t jump the gun.. An empty house is easy to work in so any flooring or other interior upgrades you can afford to do now you can handle before move in. Those projects may not (probably *will* not) run as scheduled.

      We had the ‘popcorn’ ceilings removed in our house and the interior repainted before we moved in and the project took a lot longer than expected. The contractor didn’t test the treatment before giving us a quote assuming it was spray-up material that would fall down as soon as it was got wet. Turns out it was textured plaster that took forever to knock down and skim coat. We spent at least an extra week in our rental.

      I strongly suggest hiring movers to help with the final transfer, even if everything is boxed first. Having other people lift the furniture and only making one trip between sites is priceless.

      1. hermit crab*

        That is a great point. At this point we are not planning any upgrades before we move in (but the home inspection is in an hour so that may change haha). And yes, I’ve used movers for my past few moves and I’m never going back!!

        1. Lcsa99*

          At an absolute minimum I am sure you’ll want everything painted, and that’s so much easier in an empty place.

    5. Margaret*

      Personally, I wouldn’t officially give notice until you’ve closed. You never know what can fall through! Or at the very minimum, wait until you’ve done the inspection and any resulting negotiation. If there’s anything you’re relying on the seller to do – wait! There are just more variables than you realize that could change things.

      We moved out of a rental and bought our first place a couple years ago, and while I think we probably mentioned to the on-site managers (we lived just a couple units down from them and saw in passing frequently) that we were looking, we didn’t officially give our 30 days notice until closing, and thank goodness. We started looking in April, initially were supposed to close May 31, and ended up closing July 15. We negotiated some repairs on the house after inspection, and they just never happened (we eventually re-negotiated last minute, part of the repairs were from a tree falling in a storm while the house was on the market so seller’s insurance was involved). We signed the paperwork the day before we finally closed, literally not even sure if the seller would be signing and if it would go through. (And at that point we’d had enough and were going to walk away if he didn’t sign.)

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Great advice from others above. One side thought: do a walkthrough of the house you’re buying 24 hours before closing. This is standard in my area. It would have saved me some disappointments had I done this. The seller had unscrewed and un-nailed many items from the house, despite laws against this. I could have renegotiated at the closing for the missing things – or not. Just wish I had known.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes! We did a walk-through of our current house a few hours before closing, only to find out that the barn, the shed and the garage were FULL of crap: old lawn furniture, wiring, doors, trim, power tools (!), a work bench, metal tubing, lawn tools, etc. Oh, and the garbage and recycling bins were still there, completely full. My realtor was pretty upset. She called the seller’s realtor and told the woman that the place wasn’t “broom clean” as it was supposed to be, and that the sellers had to do something about it. We ended up getting a check for $500.00 at the closing to cover the cost of a dumpster. We had to clean out the buildings, but we didn’t have to pay for the dumpster. What was awesome was that, as we were cleaning them out a week later, two scrap metal guys drove by. They stopped and asked if they could look around. We said “sure!” They went through the buildings and took all sorts of stuff with them. It made a nice dent in our cleaning and they got some items to scrap or sell. Also, we ended up keeping the lawn furniture. :)

  42. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m having a rough week, really bad anxiety. On Monday I had planned to go skating but I encountered something really triggering while out grocery shopping and it messed up my whole evening and the next day I felt depressed and empty. I ended up crying in the bathroom at work after a relatively normal text from my friend sent me into a spiral of bad feelings. I ended up leaving work to to work out, and it made me feel better enough that I was just sad and tired, not panicking. I continued to exercise Wednesday and Thursday, though on Thursday I went running for the first time in a few months and it hurt my leg again.

    Yesterday I had an appointment with a person at my doctor’s office who helped me figure out all the referrals I had gotten from my PCP and make the calls I needed to set up appointments. It was really stressful but at least I got it done. I spent the rest of the day at work feeling incredibly tense and having difficulty concentrating.

    I ended up having a few drinks in the evening, I started out at a bar with my friend to talk about living together, but ended up drinking more after I got home. I realize that’s really not a great way to deal with stress, and I’m trying to figure out how I can care for myself better rather than beating myself up over it.

    I’m just at a weird point in my life where a lot of stuff feels scary and overwhelming, but also I have a lot more energy to deal with individual things than I did a couple months ago. I wanna fix everything; but everything is hard.

    How are you doing?

    1. Christy*

      I’m afraid of needles. I’ve gotten by with getting my flu shots and bloodwork by not looking—I don’t like it but I can deal.

      Yesterday I had to get a shot in my belly that theoretically I’m supposed to administer myself. So I went to the doctor and had them do it but watched. And I was FREAKING OUT. But I watched the whole time (except the exact moment of insertion out of reflex) and it didn’t hurt at all and I didn’t cry! So that was a really big win for me.

    2. 653-CXK*

      Except for Sunday (always been a good rest day) and Thursday (laundry and scraping up all the snow/ice) I was able to get away each and every day this week (including today, where I headed out for a few hours and just came back).

      Yesterday, I had an interview about a mile away from where my ExJob was. It was a fairly straightforward interview; they’ve just started interviewing so I won’t know anything until later on. I’m still waiting to hear back from an interview I had the beginning of the month. I haven’t gotten the Letter of Nope yet, so I’m assuming they’re doing their due diligence. I also read they’re very thorough, so perhaps biding my time is the best thing to do.

      It’s nice that sunsets are now at 5:30 here (my SIL is in Buffalo and their sunsets aren’t until 6!), which has improved my mood somewhat. Two weeks from now, sunsets will be at 6:46pm.

      Sorry to hear about your tribulations. If it makes you feel better, I never thought in 21-ish years I’d have to start all over again looking for a job after being let go. I’ve been doing looking for 9+ months and I haven’t been able to moor my boat to the dock. The Letters of Nope I can take; the incessant ghosting and not contacting me back drive me nuts. I’m always asking myself “when is it going to be my turn?” but then I think back to ExJob and all the nastiness and pettiness that went on (subtle and not-so-subtle) and come to the conclusion that what I have isn’t so bad.

      Funny you should mention drinking – I only have drinks on special occasions (does five years ago count?), and the think that prevents me from drinking is a little incident on a junior year trip where someone brought Southern Comfort and fruit juice in a bottle and drunk himself into alcohol poisoning. That one incident scared me enough never to drink to excess.

    3. Thursday Nex*

      It sounds like you’ve had a hard—but also productive—week. It’s great that you feel ready to tackle more challenges. I sometimes think it’s important to acknowledge that’s what you’re facing is indeed difficult, *and* you’re up to the task, hard as it may be.

      I’ve had a tough week physically, and I’ve been ill for six weeks now, which is taking an emotional toll. I don’t feel like I’m capable of very much right now; going through all the mail I hadn’t opened for a month (!) felt like a huge accomplishment today. I did get through a bunch of medical paperwork this week, which was good. And I feel good that I reached out to two friends today, and shared some health details with one, and wished the other good luck at a big event tomorrow without referencing my health.

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I thought I was doing really well, but had a couple of zingers… and a small financial surprise (not a good one).

      The surprise to me was how depressed – mood deflating – financial distress made me. I guess I had so much other chaos in my life before (when I was super depressed… I cry more readily now, but I think I am fundamentally less “Stuck” than I was… so I feel less overall depressed than I Used to?).

      I had assumed during the years of being broke, that finances had little to do with my depression. Now that some of the other issues (which I know contributed to the depression) are being handled, I can see that apparently, yes, for me, financial stability and even a small measure of control in that arena, does matter. There’s a lot of other variables to my depression, still (It is super complex, grief, anger, physically worn out; layers of things making life a struggle “part” of the time). But the shock for me was finding out that I could be tilted completely off balance by something that I had thought was not important. Who knew….

      1. Not So NewReader*

        From what I have seen financial stability is a huge factor in our mental and physical well-being.
        My friend just lost her hubby. He left massive debt. Her son is helping her and Son is doing a FANTASTIC job. As the pieces of this story are getting resolved, my friend is doing better. Yes, she still feels grief but some of the side issues are being fixed. For example, she now knows she can stay in her house for as long as she chooses. This is HUGE and it has been supportive/healing to figure this part out.
        Bad finances seem to be a baseball bat to the knees for most people, just my observations.

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          Hope you see this. THANK YOU. The “baseball bat to the knees” is exactly the feeling that it is. You have a great knack for words, and I appreciate you!

    5. ..Kat..*

      I hope this helps. I admire your bravery, Junior Dev. Also, your perseverance. And how you manage to have worked out or done some exercise (biking to work, I think) during the week. And how you encourage others, even though you are struggling.

      I am glad you got the appointments set up. I struggle with this as well.

      Best wishes.

    6. chi chan*

      The best is simply talking to people who care about me and remind me of what I have accomplished.
      The worst is a panic attack that I got yesterday. Sometimes I feel as if I am not moving forward at all.

    7. StellaBella*

      Good afternoon Junior Dev, thanks for this, as usual. Well done on the appointments! I hear you on the drinking – I was out yesterday with friends, and had 4 drinks, unusual to say the least, for me. Stuff can be overwhelming for sure – but you are making progress as you note.

      I am ok – oddly still calm – at a point of ref checks for a job, and am not freaking out as much as I thought I would be at this point. So am managing my anxiety a lot better than usual, on this front.

      But on another front I am struggling. A dear, dear friend of mine has cancer – it was, years ago, breast cancer, she got that sorted, had a mastectomy, was 5 years cancer free – all the good things. 2 years ago tho the cancer returned and she’s been in the hospital now since 21 January and is having to deal with a lot of bad stuff. I see her as much as is allowed – she’s had surgeries and kidney failure and infections and all kinds of treatments, so not as often as I would like to see her. But her family and hubby are great care givers as are our other friends. But it is hard. Many of our friends are in la-la-land that she will be fine and well, I have doubts. Like a lot of doubts. My mom had cancer and died from kidney failure in the end. I am as positive for my friend as I can be, getting her stuff she may need, bringing raspberries to her room as she asks, and sending texts etc to help her spirits. But I am afraid to lose her. She’s only 59.

    8. Dr. KMnO4*

      I finally buckled down and found a therapist. I live in rural America, so the main issue is that there is only one provider in my town. It’s a mental health center that has psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, etc. That’s fine, but their initial screening appointment process leaves a lot to be desired. They only accept new patients if you:
      1. Show up between 12 pm and 2:30 pm on Monday through Thursday (?!?!?!?)
      2. Fill out a bunch of paperwork (okay, that’s normal)
      3. Have proof of insurance (okay, that’s normal)
      4. Have proof of residency (okay, that’s pretty normal)
      5. Have proof of income for all members of your household (?!?!?)

      When I first moved to the area this summer I had accepted a job offer but my job hadn’t started yet so I didn’t have proof of income or insurance. I had time but I didn’t have the other pieces necessary to get an appointment. Once I started working I had proof of income and insurance but not time. This 12-2:30 pm Monday through Thursday thing is a PITA. I’m a professor, so I can’t take a day off of work, or a couple of hours off of work, just to sit in a waiting room and hopefully get seen that day. I teach Monday through Thursday, so the fact that they don’t do initial appointments on Fridays is extremely irritating. Thankfully they were open on President’s Day, which I had off, so I got it taken care of then. My therapist seems very nice and has Friday appointments so I think I’m set now, but it’s just really frustrating to not have any other options for treatment unless I drive 30+ minutes to the nearest city.

  43. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Anyone computer savvy on here who can tell me if a back-up of your computer only backs up the files or the OS too? Because I’m looking into backing up my files and programs (don’t want to redownload all my games) and doing a clean install because my PC is being a bit bonkers.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      It depends on the kind of backup software you’re using. For Macs, Time Machine will actually back up the OS state as well as user files. I think for Windows if you use something like Acronis, it will also back up your system and not just your personal files. I’ve had good luck with imaging and restoring a Windows installation using CloneZilla.

      What program are you using to back up your stuff?

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        None for the moment, really. Frankly the software side of computers is a bit of a mystery to me. Thing is, i haven’t been able to do updates to the OS for quite some time (it downloads fine, but when installing it suddenly stops at around 30% and then reverts back to the previous version) so I’m not entirely sure I want to back up my OS?
        I…Still need to do more research on this.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          What is your OS?

          There are different levels of files – there’s the OS itself (like you’d get with a clean install). There are the programs and apps you’ve installed. There are settings files – saved passwords, activation codes for software, preferences. And there are user files (your documents, music, mail, etc). So you can back up at various levels. What you probably want to do is backup up everything but the OS itself.

          If you’re using time machine on a mac, I think you can choose what you restore after a clean install – so don’t choose “Restore from Time Machine Backup”when you go into time machine and deselect “System” when restoring files. That would restore your personal files and preferences and applications, but keep the system stuff clean. Anything more complicated than that would involve more advanced computer skills.

          The simple way of backing up files is just to copy important files to a second hard drive. What backup software gives you is double checking to make sure the files copied correctly, knowing where the non-obvious files are that you might need to restore (like preferences and passwords), and the ability to do multiple backups (like daily or weekly) without taking up tons of disk space by recopying everything.

          If you’re on a mac and don’t have time machine it’s easy to set up, but you need a dedicated external drive (ie, buy a new one), and the first backup can take a *long* time.

          Also – it’s generally a really, really, really good idea to back up important files *before* any major OS update or re-installation. If things go wrong half-way through installing the OS you need pretty advanced skills (or to pay for advanced skills) to get the files back.

          1. Anonymous Educator*

            Most of the time when people say PC, they don’t mean personal computer that could be running Windows, Linux, or macOS (though I wish they did). It’s commonly used as shorthand for “Windows computer,” but, yes, it’s probably good to just get clarification instead of working on an assumption.

            A.N. O’Nyme, are you on Windows, macOS, something else?

              1. Anonymous Educator*

                Apparently, Windows 10 has built-in backup tools for both cases (system files and user files). For system files, check out Backup and Restore. For user files, check out File History.

                I’d also invest in an offsite Cloud backup, too, because you never know if something might happen (theft, fire, other physical damage) on site at your home—something like Spider Oak or Backblaze.

  44. C Average*

    This is quasi-work-related but also quasi-current-events, so I’m gonna put it here.

    I’ve been reading the stories about how Senator Amy Klobuchar treats her staff with a lot of interest. Some people feel that it’s not relevant to how she would perform as a leader, and that she’s being singled out for criticism that’s politically motivated and even sexist.

    Leaving aside my own political affiliations and preferences, I wouldn’t vote for someone who’s treated her staff as the credibly reported stories describe. After reading this column and after reading “The No-Asshole Rule” and similar books, and after working for some certifiable assholes myself, I think how you treat your staff really matters, and I feel strongly enough about it to vote accordingly.

    Thoughts? Agree or disagree?

    1. Faith*

      This is something I’m struggling with. The fact that she really promotes the perception that she is “Minnesotan nice” makes it even more icky to me.

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        “Minnesota nice” reads as “passive aggressive hypocrite” to people who aren’t Midwestern, though, so she is not lying.

    2. Paris-Berlin-Seoul Express*

      It depends. In principle, I totally agree with you. I’ve worked for jerks like her and I don’t think anything eccuses this type of behavior. However, if she ends up being the only thing standing between a working democracy or a repressive dictatorship, I will vote for her. Not ideal, but sometimes you have to go with the lesser of two evils especially when there is much at stake.

    4. Junior Dev*

      Worker rights–and the rights of people who are lacking in power more generally–are pretty key to my moral and political values. I can’t see someone who abuses people she has power over as a person who would advocate effectively for oppressed people generally. It’s not like some personal foibles I’m willing to overlook in a politician; unless she acknowledges what she did was wrong and takes steps to make it right, she’s not a person I would want to give even more power to.

    5. Lissa*

      Not sure. I’m not American so not super familiar with her (I have heard the name) but in general – I think it is possible to be absolutely horrible in one aspect of your personal life, but still good in others, and perhaps overall good for the country. I’d vote for someone believed in what I did with a questionable personal life over a lovely person who believed in things I thought were wrong. and it’s definitely true that the same behaviour can be read as a hardass who gets what he wants on a man but a mean harpy when it’s a woman.

      But, not being able to retain good staff seems like it’d be a huuuuge problem in a high office position. I would like to see this person addressing the reports in some way. I do think it’s a very different world going forward – things that were covered up totally or inconsequential before are now not. I remember being totally shocked on finding out some of LBJ’s inappropriate behaviour that I’d never heard of and there’s definitely others. I hope that it means people clean up their acts and treat people with respect, and not just that every single person is not good enough though.

    6. Mazzy*

      I would like to think we could use that information as part of our decision to vote, but now I’m recalling examples from the past where every time it was said that working for so and so politician was hell, and that they treat people like crap behind closed doors, it was called a conspiracy theory or a lie. In other words, it is just too hard to tell from the outside whether a particular politician is indeed hell to work for or not.

    7. LGC*

      So, if I were seriously considering supporting her bid…yeah, this would give me serious pause. And it would be concerning if she behaved that way as a man.

      Also, I think that if there is sexism, it’s not that we’re not okay with this because she’s a woman. It’s that we’re more okay with this from men (so let’s say if Beto O’Rourke was accused of this, it wouldn’t be as big of a deal).

    8. Ask a Manager* Post author

      A reminder that this blog is politics-free! I removed a couple of comments here that were getting into opinions about political candidates (as opposed to the question C Average was asking).

    9. Beatrice*

      I wouldn’t vote for someone who treated their staff as described, if I had an alternate candidate to vote for who was less terrible. So many elections these days seem like a choice between two nauseating people, but this makes a pretty big swing in my awful meter.

      I read the Times article. Honestly, the most damning quote for me was from the one named former staffer who supported her, citing an example of the time the Senator snapped at her, and how the way the Senator expressed regret afterward “made her feel valued”. It didn’t even sound like an actual apology, and the person being quoted sounded like she had a little Stockholm syndrome.

    10. Even Steven*

      I am with C Average. I am appalled by the stories of Klobuchar’s ‘s conduct. A good manager shows professionalism, maturity, tact and self-restraint. A good manager does not have tantrums about not getting a fork for salad, and takes pride in maltreating people and calling herself “tough”. We need a solid, calm, mature individual in charge, not someone who reacts childishly to minor things. I absolutely would not vote for her, but don’t expect that she will end up as a finalist anyway.

    11. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

      I don’t really care. Frankly I am a Minnesota resident and she has always been an effective and sane politician in a time when they’re so rare.

      If true, I would like her to behave better. But, it’s not criminal unlike things many politicians have been accused of, and I feel a lot of the attacks on Dem politicians are coming from the right so it can seize more power, or from a place of call-out culture which can definitely be toxic. I am not saying to tolerate sexual assault or conflicts of interest, but at some point I think the left needs to take who is “good enough” and focus more on the ends rather than…fielding the perfect person.

      I feel she would be most effective and able to work with all sorts of people, and handle the pressure. She’s done bad things. But, she isn’t too old or too radical unlike a lot of the rest of the primary field.

  45. Tara R.*

    Running thread? I am signed up for a 10k run at the end of April! My mom wanted me to do it with her so I said yes, although I’m not much of a runner, have never run a race, and haven’t ever run much further than 5k. I have no idea what my goal should be. I’m 21, in reasonable shape, walk a lot, and can probably manage to run three times a week. I want to shoot for < 60 minutes, but I don't know if that's a bit too ambitious or not.

    1. Junior Dev*

      I like the Cool Runnings couch to 5k app. If you buy the paid version you can get access to the Couch to 10k workout plan (double check that I’m right about that before buying, there may be a separate thing you buy for the 10k version but I think it’s the same).

    2. LGC*

      Right now, I wouldn’t set a hard time goal (like, the race is a success if you run sub 60). There’s a lot that goes into it, and it sounds like you’re just starting out. You’ll probably know where you are and what you can do by mid April.

      But to answer your question – it’s reasonable! You’d be running roughly 9:39 per mile (on average, with walk breaks) for 6.22 miles (or…you’d be doing 6:00/km 10 times over). You’re young, so with some commitment to training you could probably do that. What gives me a little pause is that while you’re fairly active, you describe yourself as not a runner – a big hump I had to get over was taking the physical pounding.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Good luck! I agree with LGC, do not set a time goal for your first race. Everyone is different. Work on building yourself up to cover the distance; speed comes later. You might naturally break an hour without trying, or not. Either is acceptable! Just make sure you don’t jump from running three miles straight to 6.2 miles; add a little bit to your longest run each week.

    4. coffee cup*

      Your goal, in my opinion (and it’s just my opinion!), is to finish the race. Really, that’s an achievement in itself without piling on extra pressure with times. I’ve been running for a couple of years and I was nowhere near under an hour when I ran a 10k last year, but I was super proud of myself for doing the thing in the first place. Especially because of ALL THE HILLS. That’s Edinburgh for you.

      1. LGC*

        I’ll just jump in here – that’s a really good point about the course! On road running, you’re going to get a lot of variation from outside conditions – like how hilly the course is, road conditions, the time of year, even the time of day. So you might be able to run an hour flat on a flat route, but if there are lots of hills you should add on a couple of minutes. Or if your regular routes are hilly and you feel like running 10-minute miles are easy on them, you might do better on race day.

        1. Tara R.*

          Yes hills are a good point! I live in BC (Canada), so the terrain is pretty up and down no matter where I run. According to my mom who has done this race before, it’s pretty similar to the area around her house, where I’ve done a fair bit of running– but I’m a lot closer to 7min/km than 6min/km, so it’s probably a good idea to not fuss too much about times haha.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      Good luck with your 10k! I know there are a few ‘couch to 10k’ programs/apps out there (the NHS might have one I think, and Zombies, Run! has a beginners’ 10k program for those who’ve run 5ks before) which might help with your training. If you’re more of a printables person, Runners Need has some good ones depending how much time you have and how often you can train.

      In terms of goals, I agree with not setting a hard time goal. I’m running my first 10k in September, and my goals is literally ‘get round’. In an ideal world, I’d love to get under an hour, but I’ll happily settle for not coming last. Plus it’ll then give me a time goal for 10k number 2!

  46. Alaska Roll*

    I posted yesterday in the work thread about telling my boss about a possible miscarriage so I thought I’d give an update today on the medical side of things.

    My hormone levels aren’t rising fast enough so it looks like I am starting to have a miscarriage. The good news is that the doctor thinks it is unlikely to be ectopic (stuck in my fallopian tube) based on my symptoms and reviewing the ultrasound again. She was able to identify some structures in the uterus but not as much as what should be there at this point. I will have to have another test late next week to determine whether the miscarriage is happening/complete or if they need to “intervene.”

    I am mostly feeling relief right now to know that I don’t need to be very concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. A little sad, but overall ok. If the physical symptoms are not too bad I think I will feel better going to work next week and not telling my boss, but it was a huge relief to know that was/is an option.

    Thanks all for your support yesterday.

  47. Kj*

    So my 4 month old just got a provisional diagnosis of ocular albinism. It means he might never have normal vision. I have to admit, I was ok with the idea of his getting baby glasses (I knew he had vision problems going into the appointment), but I was not prepared to hear his vision wouldn’t be correctable. It could be as good at 20/40 or as bad as his being legally blind. Anyone have experience with low vision? Or parenting a child with low vision? We have a referral for a specialist, but the doc seemed fairly sure the diagnosis was accurate, but he couldn’t treat it. I am a visual person (artist) so this is really weird for me to imagine these limitations.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Yup, my spouse has low vision, but that didn’t hold him back one bit in education or career (engineering). There’s at least 4 groups on Facebook for ocular albinism. They can be a GREAT help. There are low-vision specialists like The Low Vision Center in Indiana – eyeassociates dot com. There are exciting new treatments being developed for low vision (gene therapy, etc.)! You just need information.
      You’re doing a GREAT JOB for your baby and God Speed!

      1. Kj*

        Good to know. Thanks. I’ve been trying to read the latest research. It is clear they have a bunch of treatment options now, but it is very confusing and we don’t see the specialist for another couple months. My son is darling and I love him, but I’m definitely wondering how this effects his life- I’m glad to know folk with low vision are as successful as your spouse. I’ll look for the FB groups.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          Hubby wants to add: if your baby has nystagmus (uncontrolled eye movement), there are at least 3 different possible genetic causes. So you’ll want to get a blood test to confirm a diagnosis. Oregon Health and Sciences University/Casey Eye Institute, for example, offers genetic testing for a wide variety of eye conditions. There’s Carver Institute at U. of Iowa, etc. It’s best to see the specialist first to minimize the number of tests needed, though.
          Hubby’s brothers with the same eye condition hold college degrees and had professional careers, also. All college was free, paid for by organizations for the legally blind. There are also special U.S. and state government help for the legally blind. Many nonprofit and private organizations help, too.
          So there’s lots of hope, lots of help.

          1. Kj*

            He has nystagmus and lack of pigment in his eyes. We saw one opthalmologist, he told us it was likely ocular albinism and we have a referral to the local children hospital, which has a specialty clinic. Sadly, it is a long wait to get in, so we may not know for a while. I am glad there is so much support though!

    3. The New Wanderer*

      No personal experience but I have a relative who was also diagnosed as a baby. I’m sure it was an adjustment getting used to the glasses and finding out about accommodations for school. But he was able to get a driver’s license and just graduated college with honors in a very challenging scientific field – I think the only limitation he ended up having was getting support with reading material (I want to say he had someone accompany him to classes to take notes but I might be misremembering). In any case, I know it has never held him back.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          I have a friend with congenital eye issues, severe enough that he can’t get a license. He’s also in a challenging scientific field – his main restriction is that he needs to live somewhere with good public transit.

          1. Kj*

            Thanks God we are in a city. And maybe in 20 years, self driving cars will be a real thing that everyone access. Thanks for sharing, this is helpful!

    4. Anon PWA (Person With Albinism)*

      I would recommend the Albinism Community on Facebook.

      I have the condition – feel free to ask me questions here, but know that the Facebook group is very active (it has a few weird posts as the membership is varied, and there are some really militant parents who think that you *have* to see 50 specialists and get every accommodation possible).

      Often the hardest is if someone lives in a rural place, as many of us can’t drive. But I live in a city with public transit and fit right in (having albinism is much harder for those living in more homogeneous areas with darker skin, like some parts of Africa or Asia, whereas I live in a multicultural city and don’t seem unusual).

      Be careful with the sun, and otherwise enjoy your little one. It has been said by others, but enjoy him now and don’t worry too much about his future. We are graphic artists, electricians, bankers, scientists, photographers, nurses, scientists, teachers, activists… we may not be pilots or uber drivers, but I think we can be almost anything else.

      1. Anon PWA (Person With Albinism)*

        I will try to find his link, but suggest you look up Lex Pix on Facebook. As a visual artist you might appreciate the photography skills.

    5. not Lynn Davis*

      When things have settled a bit, you might want to check with your local school district about their special education department’s Infant and Toddler Program…what services do they provide, at what age could it start, etc

      1. Luisa*

        Yes! I have two students with low vision (because of other conditions, not ocular albinism), and I admit that I don’t know enough about any of the conditions to know how they are similar or different. However! I can say that they are both thriving in school with the supports available. They are both late elementary-aged and have learned to advocate for themselves. One has much more severe vision loss and is learning Braille (and in her second language!), and she’s picking it up very well! Definitely, definitely investigate the services your child is entitled to!

    6. Ginger Sheep*

      My mother is blind in one eye and has low vision in the other. You wouldn’t notice it if you didn’t know it. She is a chemical engineer, and has no major limitations except being unable to drive by night or in low-light conditions. And can’t distinguish colors in low lights, which made for fun trolling when we were kids! But honestly, most people that know her aren’t even aware of it.

    7. blackcat*

      I taught a student with pretty severe vision impairment due to albinism. He used screen readers and magnifying tools for everything. It didn’t seem to impede him in the slightest–he did excellently and is well on his way to being a good engineer. As others have said, the big issue is not driving, but living in a city with good public transit makes a big difference.
      On the much more mild side, I am “profoundly myopic.” I’m correctable to 20/20, but no one realized the extent of my vision impairment until I started kindergarten. As a young child, having extremely poor vision didn’t bother me in the slightest. I didn’t know any better! I am still to this day very good at recognizing people by voices and the sounds of their walk. I couldn’t see people’s faces unless they were within a foot or two of mine, but I didn’t realize that wasn’t normal. I think for a kid, as long as you treat it as no big deal, they’ll be fine. It was absolutely mind-blowing to get my first pair of glasses and see “normally.”

    8. 00ff00Claire*

      While can’t share from the parenting perspective, I have worked with some (pretty amazing!) young children with visual impairments / very low vision. The kids I’ve known have been only somewhat limited in their daily lives by their vision and get along just fine with accommodations and support. They find their way, even when they are young!

      If you are in the US, you can start looking into early intervention. Even if you aren’t sure he will qualify with only a provisional diagnosis, it might be worth gathering info or even starting to pursue, as the process for qualifying usually takes some time. EI includes services such as occupational therapy where you can get support on things like self feeding, etc. School districts start serving kids at 3, so birth-3 is a separate agency that varies by state. Googling your state + any combo of: “idea part c”, “infant toddler program”, “early intervention”, or “child find” should help get you to the right agency. Your pediatrician should also know who to refer you to.

      Unrelated to my own experiences, but maybe an interesting insight into how flexible the brain can be in regards to our senses – there was a fascinating episode on the Invisibilia podcast about a man who is blind and how his brain interpreted sound. The episode is called How to Become Batman, and there is a follow-up episode called Falling Off a Cliff.

      Finally – I’m sure it’s been hard on you to hear the diagnosis – and it’s OK to feel a lot of emotions around that. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel without judging. I hope you have been able to find some encouragement from hearing how well others have thrived alongside similar diagnoses, and I wish you the best as you and your son navigate this new path!

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My only direct experience was having a legally blind friend in middle school. Her father worked for one of those companies that transferred people around a lot, so she was only in our area for a year or two. I hope it helps you to know she made many friends, blind doesn’t stop a force of nature like she was.
      Also consider trying to find an old book from the 70s “If you could see what I hear.” It’s a memoir of someone who grew up without vision… I read it so long ago details have faded, but not the general idea of not letting blindness stop him.

  48. Lissa*

    I was thinking about this when getting involved in Internet debates – I was telling a friend how I try not to do it too often because I feel like rarely do people ever change their minds especially on major issues where they get kind of “dug in” to one side or the other. It made me think. Has anyone ever really changed their mind about a big issue? If so, what made you do so? Did someone make a really good point you hadn’t heard before, or maybe experience something? or more of an incremental thing?

    I think the only thing I kind of changed my mind on due to hearing arguments from others online was the dog-friendly office thing. The first time there was a letter about it I was more on the side of “if someone has allergies they shouldn’t apply to that job” but then reading comments here and thinking about it more, the next time I was more on the side of the person with allergies. I can still see both sides of that one. This wasn’t an issue I had really intense feelings about, it was more of a “gut reaction” and then rethinking it over time.

    1. Washi*

      I thought the idea of “fat acceptance” was literally laughable maybe 5 years ago, but then as I started reading and thinking about it, I did a complete 180 and am now all aboard the HAES/fat acceptance/body positive train. I didn’t change my mind through someone debating me on the internet though, it was more through reading activists’ blogs. But actually what sparked my interest was a piece by a news anchor responding to all the fatphobic bullying she experienced online, so it did involve me reading an internet debate.

      I think if someone thinks a certain way not because they’ve thought it through really carefully, but because it’s what they grew up with or had a gut reaction to, there’s more room for change. Even maybe from an internet debate!

    2. Karen from Finance*

      I have changed my mind a lot over the years. I was brought up as a Catholic conservative, and was very actively both of those things up to my early 2o’s, and now I’m an agnostic progressive, so there you go. For me, it was definitely an incremental thing, and it was very much due to people debating me both irl and online.

      I remember arguing politics and reaching the point in the argument where I went “huh, I guess I just made the argument for the position that’s opposite of the one I started with. Okay, that settles it”.

      For women’s rights, it definitely was that I run out of arguments. Through a lot of separate discussions I realized that the arguments I had were, from a purely logical standpoint, less and less valid, and that the feminist points were more and more valid. And one day I was watching a youtube video and they gave me the one argument that made me go “that’s it, I’m convinced”. And that sent me into an entirely different ideological track in life.

      It happens, so I really value the worth of Internet debating. Of course not all mediums are the best, there’s a lot of trolls out there, there’s a lot of people who don’t really care for debate, but good comment sections really are out there. I’ve seen interesting and balanced discussions in these comment sections, in the ones for some youtube channels, and some other blogs. Facebook and Twitter are more of a gamble.

      I think debate works best when you’re not just trying to convince the other person of your point of view, you’re also trying to convince yourself, and to find a better/stronger truth. That way, it’s not painful to change your mind if you have to, it’s empowering. And if at the end of the debate you don’t, you might have learnt something about your point of view and of the other that you hadn’t considered before.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Yes, I did!

      Ages and ages ago when I worked at McDonalds, I got frustrated by women breastfeeding and I made a comment on Facebook about how it shouldn’t be allowed in public. The sheer volume of responses I got from that comment made me re-evaluate my position and realise that I was being stupid for it and I changed my mind completely on the issue.

      An old school friend, who had just had a baby at that time, reached out to me in a private chat and told me why she found my viewpoint concerning and spoke about her own issues with breastfeeding. Her simple statement of facts and the why she was calm and polite about it was a huge turning point for me, but also seeing how many people were against my statement made me realise that I was in the wrong.

      I did some extra research and now, years later, I can’t believe I ever thought breastfeeding in public was something to be banned.

    4. Epsilon Delta*

      People change their minds slowly. I have changed stances on several issues (religion, politics, and so on) but it was never one single thing that made me do it. It was seeing points argued from both sides in different formats over a long period of time. An online debate can be one of those formats, although I generally find it to be the least convincing one because it quickly gets overtaken with vitriol in place of substance.

    5. Parenthetically*

      I believe a LOT of different things compared to even five years ago, in large part thanks to being an observer of online debates and watching the most sensible voices kind of rise to the top. The things I grew up thinking about politics just didn’t make sense after seeing intelligent people talk about them.

      Online debates are absolutely not just for the debaters — I think they’re more effective for bystanders. If you or your friend can stay cool, present facts dispassionately, not get riled up by trolls, and know when to step back (and understand the principle of not casting pearls before swine), observers will see that.

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well, always be willing to fact-check fake news. Other than that… meh, if you can make a concise and clear argument, and have the time, why not?

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Before the internet, I had a humbling lesson happen to me.
      I was at work and I made a statement of something to the effect of “Never, never, XYZ.”

      Oh my.

      I got rained on. Everyone jumped on me. “You need to get with modern thinking, you need to read up…”.
      As others are saying here because a number of people said the same things, I realized I needed to look in to this subject and update myself.

      Looking back, I can’t believe I let myself get so stupid, so ill-informed. And I learned never to push a point that hard again, but rather, I resolved to listen instead. This was actually a several part problem and I aimed to address each part. I decided that I needed to make sure I was not THAT person who made people want to drop a concrete block on my head in order to communicate with me.

      What worked with me is that people were upset with me but they stayed on topic and made their points. While their frustration showed, they were not insulting me or raging at me pointlessly. I could clearly see I created the upset myself with my own narrow thinking.

    8. Beatrice*

      I have!
      I was raised in a super-conservative, very right-leaning home. I first got online in the late 90’s, and one of the first internet communities I belonged to was a feminist forum that I wandered to. I hadn’t had a lot of exposure, at the time, to people who believed differently than my parents. I didn’t actually engage in too many debates myself in that community, but I read voraciously, and the smart, well-spoken ladies in that forum gave me a lot to think about. A few years later, I was lucky enough to belong to another, more blended internet community, that had a section where people could debate real-world ideas, with some pretty solid moderation and rules against personal attacks and flame-warring. I participated in some of those discussions, with people I liked and respected but didn’t necessarily agree with. I was fortunate that a lot of those conversations happened while I was figuring out the world, my place in it, and the kind of person I wanted to be, and so many of them were very formative for me. I changed my mind in a lot of areas, and even more importantly, learned to think critically, state my beliefs and my reasons for them thoughtfully, and listen and respond respectfully to people with differing viewpoints. It was invaluable.

  49. Anonymous DNA*

    So I’d like some thoughts on how to approach a problem.

    I had a DNA test a year ago. I recently received a match from someone that I did not know. It appears that one of my cousins fathered a child out of wedlock. I am not sure which cousin it is, although I have narrowed it down to 2 potentials. I’m trying to find a way to approach the one cousin about this.

    Relevant facts:
    • I am not super close to this cousin. We see each other once every 20 years or so.
    • The cousin may not know he is a father. The mother took the secret to her grave. She had multiple sex partners. It’s possible She never knew who the father was.
    • We do not know if the father was married at the time of the affair. One cousin got divorced around that time or slightly later. The other cousin is still married.
    • Both cousins have other children that are alive. It would be a shock to them that their father had an affair.
    • The ex-wife of one of the cousins died recently of cancer. It’s possible that emotions are running high.
    • One cousin (the most likely father) recently had a major heart attack. I’m scared about approaching him about such major life changing news.

    Any thoughts on how to approach the cousins for a DNA test? How do I let them know that they may have another child?

    1. Lcsa99*

      I am not sure this is yours to tell them. You aren’t sure which cousin, and you aren’t even close to them. I can understand that this feels like such a big deal, and of course the father has a right to know, but this isn’t your secret to tell and it sounds like it could upset a lot of people if you’re wrong.

      Since you’re not close with them, you don’t even know for a fact that he doesn’t know. What if the mother did tell him and he just chose not to do anything about it? You could be opening old wounds.

    2. Enough*

      Why do you need to say anything at all? Especially as you are not close. And what basis do you have for thinking it’s a particular person? Especially as the common thread would seem to be your grandfather is the unknown relative’s great grand parent. That leaves a lot of other options.

    3. Alex*

      I think you are better off just keeping it to yourself.

      While you signed up for having this information by going and taking a DNA test, your cousins did not. They may not appreciate having their life disrupted in this way when they did not go looking for trouble.

    4. Namey McNameface*

      I wouldn’t say anything. You’re not close. You’re unsure of who the father is. What would you achieve from disclosing?

    5. Anonymous DNA*

      Additional info
      The son (the DNA match ) has been searching for his dad for years and years. He grew up without a father in his life. Other potientials have failed paternity tests. His mom was an alchoholic. Somehow, he’s turned out OK.
      The son desperately wants to find his dad and he knows that it is one of my family members since there is a DNA match.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      One thought: this might be news to you, but it might be very old news to your cousin. Maybe he paid child support for 18 years. You don’t know.
      Chances are high no one will thank you for spreading the news.

    7. Turtlewings*

      I don’t mean to scold you when I say this, but I’m not sure you should be involved in this at all. Why do you need to approach your cousin about this? Did the cousin’s child ask you to? This is between the two of them. You’re not even close to this cousin. I think this is a really fantastic opportunity to exercise restraint and stay out of it.

      1. Anonymous DNA*

        The new cousin did ask for help. None of the other cousins had DNA tests done so he wouldn’t know who to approach. He doesn’t even know the family name. All he knows is that he and I are cousins.

        1. Turtlewings*

          Okay, it does make a difference that he asked you to help. I still think you should leave it to him, though, to do the approaching. Tell him who you think the two “candidates” are and their phone numbers, or addresses to send a letter. Let them work it out.

          1. Lilysparrow*

            Oh God no, please don’t give out your cousin’s contact info to a total stranger who found you on the Internet. Who is “desperate” to connect and pumping you for personal info about your family?

            As above, you don’t actually know whether your cousin is the father. Your grandparent could have had an unknown child who was this guy’s bio dad.

            They didn’t suddenly invent affairs or unplanned pregancies one generation ago.

            1. Turtlewings*

              Okay, the strength of your reaction is making me rethink what I said. But at the same time, I feel like this guy does have the right to try to find his father. He has the right to know who his parents are and where he came from. How is he supposed to get any information? I’m genuinely wondering what else he should do.

              1. AcademiaNut*

                If you do contact anybody, you have to contact your cousins *first*, let them know the situation and let them decide if you want to pass their contact information on to the third party. You simply don’t ever pass people’s contact information to random people you met on the internet without their permission, no matter how much they want something! Sharing DNA with them does not make it okay.

                I really don’t think you’re close enough to the people involved to be butting in, though. If your cousins or their children were on the DNA site and wanted to pursue the information that would be different, but you’re talking about cousins you see maybe once in twenty years, and you know it’s *a* cousin, but are guessing as to which cousin, which means you are guaranteed to toss a bomb in the middle of a family that has nothing to do with the situation. You’re also not close to the guy on the internet – you know he’s related, but you have no real idea what sort of person he is.

            2. Anonymous DNA*

              The amount of DNA sharing shows he is without question a first cousin once removed.
              He did send me his picture and he is almost a clone of another cousin.
              He also shared info with me that convinces me he is not random.

              1. Approval is optional*

                I’m not sure how they can say it’s without question. Autosomal DNA matching isn’t definitive, because DNA inheritance is random and is affected by a number of things, for example whether you are from an endogamous population (if you are your parents will likely share some DNA). So there is an overlap between the ranges of shared DNA of each ‘level’. Also, as someone else mentioned, there is more than one way to get a first cousin once removed even if they could be definite about that, so his father may be not a cousin but a great-uncle (who may or may not be known to the family).

              2. Lilysparrow*

                I share DNA and a family resemblance with plenty of people I wouldn’t want to come home & find in my driveway. So do lots of other people.

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            oh, god, no, don’t go giving out your relatives’ contact information to complete strangers.

          3. Approval is optional*

            I’m not sure about giving the details – seems invasive of the privacy of the potential fathers. I don’t know how the contact after testing happens – I’m guessing he only knows you exist, not your name etc as you say he doesn’t know the family name. So I suppose you can give him your details so he can use them to search further without breaching anyone’s privacy – whether you should or not is a different matter. I think what I’d do is sit down and decide where my ‘loyalty’ lay – with the known relatives or with the unknown one.

        2. Lcsa99*

          I understand I understand that you want to help this person but because you aren’t close, and because you aren’t even sure which one, I honestly think the most you can do is tell your cousins how fascinating you found your results and suggest they do it themselves. This isn’t your secret.

          But! If you want to help this person you can start treating him like family. Talk to him and get to know him.

        3. ..Kat..*

          Could you just tell each of these cousins privately that you had a DNA test and that you found a new cousin? (Don’t say anything about you thinking he might be the father.) Ask if they would like to learn about this new cousin or have his contact info? Ask if they think that you should tell others in the family?

    8. Lilysparrow*

      You don’t. This is none of your business.

      Your match-ee is a complete stranger who has won your sympathy with a sob story about his hard childhood. Do you have any idea if it’s even true?

      You have no idea which relative he’s actually connected to (if any, DNA tests are hardly infallable).

      You are not close with these cousins, so you don’t have the personal intimacy, knowledge, or relational standing to ask these kinds of questions.

      And if you try, they are as likely as not to tell you it’s none of your business and just never speak to you again.

      Your match-ee appears to have very unrealistic expectations. Even if he found his bio father, it’s not going to make up for the past, and it’s unlikely to give him a real sense of belonging.

      If you were close with your cousins, you might be able to broach this in a private conversation. But you’re not.

      Genetic privacy is an important personal right. Your cousins and their other kids have not chosen to do DNA testing. If they do, they will find this match on their own. If they don’t, you haven’t got the right to make that choice for them.

      1. Anonymous DNA*

        DNA tests are quite accurate for family matching.

        They’re not so good at country of origin or traits (red hair, long toes, etc.)

      2. Texan In Exile*

        Genetic privacy is an important personal right.

        I have to disagree with this. If you have fathered (or mothered) a child, that child deserves information.

        A good friend of mine is adopted. At the age of 55, she has tracked down her biological parents. She wrote to her bio mom asking for medical information. Not a relationship, not money, just medical history. My friend explained that her life has turned out very well and she’s happy and her adoptive parents were wonderful. All she is asking for is a medical history.

        The bio mom has not answered a single letter.

        The bio dad initially denied the relationship, but – my friend is almost a clone of her bio dad. She looks more like him than any of his other five children. He finally admitted to knowing the bio mom and is now corresponding with my friend.

        A person deserves to know who her parents are. That right trumps the right of the man and woman who created that person.

        1. Southern anon*

          That’s an interesting viewpoint. In college, my friend got pregnant and for religious reasons went through the pregnancy and birth. It was a really difficult year, and she had to get permission to delay a semester.She didn’t want to see the baby and gave it up for adoption. She’s great now, with a career and a husband, no kids.

          If that first kid ever tracked her down she would be a wreck. I remember when she was recovering, she said something along the lines of ‘I didn’t want this baby, I hope it’s happy because I don’t want to see it ever.

          People on both sides have their own emotions, which can be incredibly complicated. I don’t think anyone on either side is “owed” anything.

        2. Enough*

          No the child does not have a right to know who the bio parents are. And as far as medical info goes most of it’s a waste. Unless there is a genetic disease like Huntington’s disease most information isn’t necessary. Living a healthy lifestyle takes care of most issues. My grandmother had breast cancer. This information means nothing to the women in the family because it was radiation induced. No one else has ever had breast cancer in the 3 generations since.

      3. Anonymous DNA*

        LillySparrow

        I’ve noticed that you have made several passionate posts on this subject. Each has focused on how horrible the reunion could be.
        You said that it may not be a cousin
        You claimed that my cousin gave me a “sob story”
        You have stated how awful it would be to have certain family at your house.
        You have claimed that my cousins could never speak to me again.
        You make claims of “genetic privacy” (it doesn’t exist)
        You claim tests are “hardly infallible” (they’re fairly accurate)
        You claim he was pumping me for personal info (no, not at any time!)

        I’m wondering what’s going on here? What’s behind this passion? Why the extreme arguments? Why the false statements?

        I must admit that if you create another human being that you have certain obligations toward it. You don’t get off without consequences!!!

        So what is behind your argument? I’m having a hard time looking past the extremism.

    9. Weegie*

      It would probably be a good idea to speak to a counsellor experienced in adoption issues: they would be familiar with untangling similar situations.

    10. Red Sky*

      It seems I’m in the minority, but I think the kid has a right to now more about his dad and if he’s asked you for help you should do it. You could-

      1) Give the cousins/possible dads a gift of a DNA test kit to the same company and let them find out on their own.
      2) Offer to forward the contact info of the kid/match to the potential dads and step back.
      3) I’ve heard a lot of these DNA testing companies (23 & Me was on the news recently for this, if I’m remembering correctly) now offer staff specifically trained to provide support for these specific types of issues. Can you contact the DNA testing company to see what advice they may have?

      1. Approval is optional*

        I agree the new cousin has the right to know more about his father, but I don’t think that gives the OP the right to disclose private information, (such as addressed, phone numbers), about her ‘old’ family to, in effect, a stranger. If he is provided with the OP’s details (and she/he is quite within her/his rights to disclose that information of course), he can then use them to search for other family information. The outcome might be the same, but the OP has respected everyone’s rights and not overstepped hers/his.

    11. Koala dreams*

      You could spread the news that you have a new-to-you cousin without specifically asking somebody for a DNA test. If they are interested, they can ask you about it. If they don’t care, well, there you have your answer. Also, maybe you could focus more on the joy of getting a new cousin and strengthen your relationship as cousins, as opposed to focus on the father issue. It’s kind of you to want to help your cousin, but maybe it’s better to let others take the iniative for that.

      1. LibbyG*

        Huh. I don’t see any reason to be so indirect. The cousins are adults. I think Anon can just call or email each tell them about the match and ask, did you ever know a woman named Persephone Lucatelli? Cousin can choose whether to engage or not. If they choose not, Anon reports back to new cousin and drops it. The distance Anon has from these cousins makes them a great person to reach out, because you don’t see each other four times a year at holidays.

        1. Anonymous DNA*

          I was actually thinking of this course.

          If cousin responds with a DNA test then we have an answer
          If cousin chooses not to respond we have an answer.

    12. Southern anon*

      Rereading your question, it appears you intend to tell one or more cousins about this person who may or may not be their child. You’re looking for the “best”way to tell them. Someone upthread mentioned talking to an adoption or similar type of counselor first.

      I agree. You currently possess a huge information bomb that you want to toss to your cousin(s). This may be a fairy tale ending. It also may blow up in your face and cause huge family ramification’s – and not only between you and your cousin, but the rest of the family. Some family members may agree with you, others may disagree. A horrible example, but what if you tell cousin and he has another heart attack?

      I understand you want to help this potential family member, but it’d be awful if it resulted in part of your family being furious with you. Please talk to a therapist who has some background with this type of family issue before you take action. It doesn’t appear that there’s a reason this must be rushed and done immediately.

  50. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    We got a new mattress (returned the 100% 12 inch memory foam). New mattress has mostly box spring with 2 inches memory foam, arrived yesterday. I opened windows and jumped on the bed, turned on the fan, left baking soda and apples in little bowls near the bed to absorb the odor. Slept in a different room day 1. Tonight is day 2–was debating sleeping on floor next to new mattress—if I don’t get I’ll from the fumes, maybe I’ll sleep on the mattress day 3. Does this sound feasible? (I think the reason I got a migraine/dizzy last time was bc the mattress was 12 inches of memory foam, not aired out). This time it’s just 2 inches memory foam. Hopefully I’ll be ok this time…right?

    On a separate note, was corresponding with friend/single mother of toddler whose ex says toddler can’t leave their country unless he gets $50k collateral(??!) He wooed her with sushi and flowers 3 years ago and now they’re separated. And her court battle is very expensive. Hubs and I might get to visit her hopefully this summer if we can finagle a flight there.

    On a diff and cheerier note, hubs and I are going to a free music concert and date night tonight (assuming the midol kicks in/Aunt flo day 1–TMI)….all of the things that happened around me made me realize I’m so lucky he is in my life.

  51. Washi*

    Fpostes comment upthread reminded me of something I’ve been mulling over: what exactly does it mean to get engaged? There was a somewhat recent post on Captain Awkward and a very similar (maybe the same?) letter to Prudence by women who had told their boyfriends that they wanted them to propose, but nothing had happened. But…if they had a discussion that was like “I imagine us getting married and I really want to be engaged soon” and the guy agrees, aren’t they already kind of engaged? Like they’ve both agreed they want to be married to each other at some point, so what is the purpose of a Proposal? By saying “I really want to marry you, do you want to marry me?” hasn’t the woman just proposed?

    I’m not judging, just genuinely confused! My husband was ready to be married much more quickly than I was, so when I was ready, as we were driving somewhere I said “I really want to be married to you. Can we get married soon?” And that was that.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      To me, any phase of a relationship is defined as “whatever the people who are in it want it to be called,” really. If they both agree that they’re engaged, then regardless of who’s said what to whom in front of whoever, they’re engaged — conversely, if they have a “let’s get married someday” conversation and haven’t agreed that this means they’re formally engaged, they’re not formally engaged. So what it means is entirely up to the people who are directly involved, personally. (Legal status is a bit more cut-and-dried, but being engaged – at least in the US – doesn’t offer any changes in legal status the way marriage would.)

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        I’d probably agree with this. My husband and I had lots of ‘I’d like to get married to you someday’ conversations before he actually proposed, but we weren’t officially ‘engaged’ (i.e. seriously thinking about planning a wedding – we’d had conversations about what we wanted, but hadn’t seriously looked at venues/dates etc, if that makes sense) until after the proposal. But if one of those conversations had ended with ‘so are we engaged now?’ ‘I suppose so’ – or words to that effect – then to me at least we would have been engaged from there on out, even if one of us had formally proposed further down the line.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I am sure it’s different for everyone, but for me I think the difference between having the marriage conversation and having a proposal is just that the conversation feels more theoretical while the proposal makes it more of a definite, immediate thing.

    3. Almost married*

      ” By saying “I really want to marry you, do you want to marry me?” hasn’t the woman just proposed?”
      Well, yes.
      I mean, you could argue that you need a wedding date or at least a firm cutoff (we’ll be married within 12 months, and we’re actually doing stuff to make it happen) to be properly engaged, but when a couple gets to the point where they’re lawyering about what counts as ‘real’ commitment, someone isn’t being honest. Either that or they’re just not a good fit (which doesn’t mean anyone’s necessarily bad, but they’re not good for each other). And those types are over represented in advice columns.

      Engagement is to me pretty much when you’re picturing yourselves together for the long haul, so you don’t hesitate to make plans for in ten years’ time when the kids will be in school (if you want kids), your SO’s nephews/nieces become yours too, you start planning your careers around each other etc.

      Now, some people like the idea of the act of proposing being a beautiful memory. And that’s great, rituals have their place. But if you’re really not sure whether your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to marry you before you present them with the ring (or before they give you a ring), something isn’t right.

      Anyway, when people write advice columnists about guys (it’s almost always guys) who profess their love but hem and haw at marriage despite their girlfriend explicitely begging for it, it’s clear there’s a problem. Those men don’t want to break up but they don’t mind their SO being miserable, so clearly something important is holding them back. And the ladies don’t want to break up because they refuse to believe the hemming and hawing is actually a no. It’s like the “when will they change their minds about kids?” questions.

    4. Christy*

      Exactly the same for me and my wife, actually! I think for some people it’s “okay this is us saying this is forever but we have no official plans for marriage” and for some it’s “okay now it’s the public announcement that we intend to get married, though we’ve known for a while privately” and for some it’s “it’s go time, let’s get married within a year”. That last one was true for me and my wife too.

    5. Turtlewings*

      I have always wondered exactly the same thing. “We plan to get married” = engaged. That’s… what the word means. Even if it’s not an immediate, tangible plan — I think that’s the difference for some people, but in my humble opinion it shouldn’t be. There’s no actual difference.

      I had a friend in college who wore a “promise ring” from her boyfriend because they knew they wanted to get married but not until after college, so they wouldn’t get formally engaged “because they didn’t want to have a super long engagement.” I never could wrap my mind around it at all. The four years until you graduate will remain four years, whether you’re wearing a diamond ring or not. Not being engaged will not make the time any shorter. I’m still baffled by it.

      1. L’il Sebastian*

        To me, promise ring/discussing when a future engagement could happen basically means “we would like to be married to each other someday.”
        Whereas being engaged is more “we’re actively planning our wedding/marriage.”

        I’m kind of the opposite in that to me I think it’s weird when a couple has been engaged for many years and still aren’t married.

        1. Washi*

          Yeah, that’s where it gets confusing for me, I don’t really get the difference between having a long engagement where there’s no active wedding planning, and the stage where you’ve said you want to marry each other but are not “engaged.” They both seem engaged to me.

          But it sounds like for some people it’s not “real” until there’s a proposal, and I can kind of see that. Plus in a lot of heterosexual relationships, the wedding planning ends up being done mainly by the woman, and so if the guy isn’t willing to buy a ring and propose, it would feel like he won’t make even a small effort for the relationship? Idk, maybe I’m off base with that hypothesis.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      I vote for clarity in relationships with whatever technique gets you there. Those women could propose to their reluctant boyfriends, but I suspect they’re not sure they’d get a yes. Whatever your goals in life are (and some people don’t need or want to be married), try not to prolong a state of limbo.
      Good luck to us all in achieving our goals.

    7. HannahS*

      I don’t know! Culturally for me, if someone says, “We’re engaged,” it means they’ve decided to actively plan the wedding which will probably be within the next six months to a year. But I also know couples that have gotten engaged years before marriage, in order of affirm the seriousness of the relationship while waiting to finish school/be able to live in the same place. So to me, being engaged means saying “I really want to marry you, do you want to marry me…at this specific point in time.” The difference to me between being in a serious relationship and being engaged is that you’ve decided to make the marriage happen.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Being engaged = planning, as in logistics, to get married. Not to have a wedding. Not to have a ring. A defined plan to complete legal paperwork with the state.

      Being married is a legal situation. Just the same way the IRS doesn’t accept that you plan to pay your taxes someday definitely when you are ready.

      So if a woman who wants to be married says to her partner, “babe I want to marry you.” And he responds, “of course I want to marry you too.” And she says, “great how about the 3rd weekend of September 202o (or whenever)?” And he responds “no babe someday not then…” That’s not engaged. That’s gaslighting on his part. The ring is irrelevant.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        Now plenty of people don’t want to get married and call each other fiancé or fiancée to indicate to others that it’s a long term relationship. That’s fine and up to them.

        But if one person wants it that way and the other wants to book a church or city hall or whatever, then they aren’t engaged – they are in a dysfunctional relationship and should probably break up.

      2. Lissa*

        I mean…I know the sort of situation you mean, but I don’t think it’s “gaslighting” if a man doesn’t immediately agree to a date when a woman suggests one. There are ways in which he could be, but I think there’s a lot of space in there for other interpretations.

      3. Traffic_Spiral*

        I agree. “We’re going to get married at some undefined time” isn’t engaged. “We aren’t going to get married but we want a word that makes us sound more committed” isn’t engaged. I mean, there’s no law that says you can’t call each other whatever you like (“fiance,” “shmoopie-pie,” “asshole”) but you’re not actually engaged unless you have a clear date and you’re actively planning to get married.

      4. Glomarization, Esq.*

        “Gaslighting” is a very strong word here. Gaslighting would be dude answering, “I never said I want to marry you.” Your example is just dude failing to commit to a date.

    9. ThatGirl*

      I understand the idea, but I think for a lot of couples, the formal asking and ring is what makes it real. Like, I knew I was going to be offered a job, but it wasn’t real until hr said we’d like to offer you this job. I knew my husband was going to propose but we weren’t officially engaged until he asked.

      That said, not everyone needs that formal asking, and I don’t think there’s one universal rule.

      1. Washi*

        Another genuine question: if he hadn’t asked, after a certain point, would you have been fine with proposing to him, and with an enthusiastic yes from him, felt good about that outcome?

        1. Epsilon Delta*

          I know you didn’t ask me, but that is exactly how I framed this discussion with Mr. Delta before we got engaged. We agreed that we wanted to be life partners but he did not want to get married because “reasons… mumble mumble… wedding… piece of paper… mumble.” So I told him that if we were going to be life partners I wanted the legal paperwork to make that easier. He is very traditional and felt that if we were going to get married it was important that he (the male) propose to me (the female), so I let him. If he had not proposed I would have proposed to him and felt fine (if a little awkward) doing so.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Yes, I would have, but we had discussed marriage and engagement extensively so I knew that he wanted to be just old fashioned enough to propose with a ring.

          1. Washi*

            So it seems like when this happens successfully, there’s a good amount of prior conversation and that you’re on the same page on how you want the path to engagement to unfold; it’s a process more than just one conversation.

            And the LWs’ dilemmas make a bit more sense to me in that context. It’s not clear from the letter, but if their dude said he wanted to be the one to propose, and then never made that happen, the question isn’t so much “why won’t he propose so we can finally be engaged” (to which my answer would be to propose yourself!) but “what should I make of the fact that my partner won’t do something he claims he wants very much and that he knows is important to me” even if the letters don’t really frame it that way.

            1. ThatGirl*

              Yeah, I think anyone who doesn’t talk about it beforehand is setting themselves up for disappointment or failure. My guess is a combo of gender expectations and the idea that engagement only happens with a formal proposal, plus guy dragging his feet for whatever reason, leads to the LW situation.

    10. Koala dreams*

      I’m confused with you! I also think that an engagement is agreeing to get married. However it seems like for some people it’s more like an event that takes places after the agreement. The relation between proposal and engagement seems to be more like the relation between the wedding and the honeymoon.

      As for the women who write to advice sites, the problem seems to be that their boyfriends just turned them down, and they don’t know what to do. If an engagement is agreeing to get married (or even an event celebrating the agreement), then your boyfriend telling you they don’t want an engagement or don’t want a proposal must mean that your boyfriend don’t want to get married. That they disagree, so to speak. And of course that’s a very sad thing to hear for those women.

    11. gecko*

      I had both—“do you want to get engaged soon?” and we talked about how it’d happen—and then a full-on proposal. I definitely knew we were functionally engaged from that first conversation, but I was still super happy at the “second” proposal and it felt different. Probably the weight of tradition :)

    12. Honeycrisp*

      For me, it was a ring and a date. I worked in an office once with a number of women who had children with live-in boyfriends whom they called “fiancés”, but while more children followed, weddings never did. I became a (possibly self-righteous) stickler about what being engaged meant.

    1. fposte*

      Yes. They suck.

      I have what’s called in the Midwest a Cape Cod house; it’s got a steep roof over the smaller second floor down to the top of the first floor, so there’s not much insulation and a lot of temperature variation. That’s been perfect to warm snow up enough to melt it until it hits the colder edge and freezes again, which then melts back into my house. I’ve only really had one once, but I found it so dismaying that I bought a snow broom (basically a lightweight shovel with a long handle) and I go out after a big snow if it’s going to be significantly below freezing for a while and sweep a few feet off of my roof. I’ve also done a lot of house insulating since then, which might be enough to preclude them, but I’m not taking chances.

      1. Faith*

        Any advice on brands for the snow broom? We’ll have to hire a company to remove the one on our roof, but we then plan on getting a snow broom and getting more insulation in the attic.

        1. fposte*

          I think I just got whatever was available at Home Depot. When I look at stuff online now, it looks like “roof rake” is the term of art, since a lot of snow brooms are just for clearing the tops of cars; make sure one that brags it’s telescoping doesn’t just extend to being four feet long. There’s one called a “roof rake” on the Home Depot site that looks a lot like the one I have but nicer and it says it telescopes up to 17 feet. I probably only use 10 feet of mine.

          I don’t love having to do it, but it’s not that big a deal on my house since it’s just one main area–I just put boots on over my pajamas and it takes maybe 5 minutes, total, to pull the snow down. (Mostly the annoyance is dumping the snow on my head.) In my climate there’s usually only one snow per winter where I do it, since we don’t get a big snow/big cold combination that often.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Use the longer pole setting and the snow doesn’t dump on you.

            Go gentle with the rake, if it’s already really iced and you pull too hard you can damage the shingles.

            If you have any vintage outdoor Christmas lights in your attic–the incandescent ones that heat up–maybe put them on the the ice to start melting it from the outside.
            Ice melt might be bad for your gutters and gardens.
            Do the melting from the downhill side first, because the way water gets in is when it goes backwards.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              Please be extremely careful with the use of lighting to heat the ice. You could end up get electrical shocks or setting your house on fire.

              Roof rakes. I bought one years ago, it was about $30 and it has lasted me two decades. I bought one with a plastic head. I am not sure maybe next time I will get a metal head. But it has worked fine for me all these years. The trick is to routinely roof rake. Don’t skip storms, because build up happens each time. I like to get out on warmer days, too because I can get more stuff off then.
              These are not the same thing as a snow broom for the car. The car snow brooms are made out of a softer material so as not to scratch the car’s finish and the pole is much, much shorter. I like those a lot also.

              In the end, I decided I needed a longer term plan.
              I pay my guardian angel friend to help with stuff around here. He recommended that I put a metal roof on the lower roof of my house. The snow comes off the upper slate roof, slides on to the metal roof of the newer addition and it just keeps sliding. I don’t need to roof rake as much as I did before.
              As fposte says, he insulated the attic all over. And before he put down the sheet metal roof he put down a thing called snow and ice shield. This also helps. Where the addition abuts the main house, he put flashing in to keep the water from going down between the house and the addition.

              And finally, he went all round the house with strips of metal sheets at the edge of the roof. The metal does not hang onto snow and ice well, so the edges tend to clear themselves off. This means less icicles and in turn less ice dams.

              I think I have roof raked once or twice in the three years after he did all this. If you are thinking this sounds a bit spendy, you can probably do this in stages and eventually complete the project. I found insulation at good prices by going to building supply clearance places that extra step of seeking out clearance stores paid off well for me as I went back to get more supplies for other projects.

    2. Lora*

      Yes. If you can insulate the holy heck out of your house, it helps. I’m in an old old house in New England and I had to put R19 in the walls whenever I did a big renovation, and stuffed the attic to R40 and went around with spray foam in corners. And I still have those zigzag wire melt things on my roof to make sure I don’t end up with water coming in the edges.

    3. Thrown into the fire new manager*

      First thing is make sure your attic is well insulated and your hatch is insulated. Not sure if this is relevant to you but when old houses get window updgrades, all the newly saved heat can flow up through the attic, melt the snow and ice dam.

      Snow rake and throw stocking s full of ice melt over the dams to form a flow channel

      1. fposte*

        I will caution that a stocking full of ice melt can mean dead shrubs below. Been there, killed that boxwood.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          They also make salt disks you can throw up on the roof.

          Poor boxwood. Boxwood is not hardy in my area and only survives because of a specific micro-climate. I can see boxwood losing a battle with salt.

          Good general advice here, too, for you OP. Don’t plant anything fussy or tender in the area where the ice comes off the roof. It probably won’t hack it and become a waste of money.

          1. fposte*

            I’m like half a zone warmer than you, I think, and around here it’s pretty much unkillable, so I was reluctantly impressed. It’s the standard non-conifer foundation planting.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Yep, you are in a different zone for plants. You got me with “standard non-conifer foundation planting”. Here it’s too iffy to be a standard for any use. Here it’s more like people stand around the boxwood and ooo/ahhh over someone getting a boxwood to come back each year.

              I am looking at the upper half of your state and the lower part of my state, and they have those labeled as zone 5. If I want to be sure of something absolutely working out, I plant for zone 3. Zone 5 plants may or may not last any length of time. Zone 4 is a tiny bit better, but zone 3s tend to hold on. IRL, zone 3 is way north of me.

              1. fposte*

                Yeah, I’m 5b. Boxwoods are everywhere.

                You make me think of when a Canadian friend visited and she oohed and aahed over all our Rose of Sharon. Which here people mildly appreciate as something that blooms in late summer, but it self-seeds like freaking dandelions so is essentially a nuisance. To her it was a rare feat.

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  I will ooh and aah over that Rose of Sharon also. R of S does okay here mostly, But you don’t see a lot of it around. I suspect it’s particular hybrids that are okay here.

                  5B. Am “jealous”. lol.

      2. JediSquirrel*

        Also, make sure your attic is properly vented, or you will get mold issues. Soffit vents and a ridge vent will allo air to flow through and will also help prevent ice dams.

  53. Spirit Chucks*

    I know I’ve read a comments on this before but I can’t seem to find exactly what I’m looking for. I want to learn Spanish. I know immersing myself is the best way to start. However, what is the best app to use when that is not possible?

  54. Mrs H*

    How do you clean your jewelry? I’m not talking about engagement rings or wedding bands but all the costume jelwery from Jcrew Banana etc? I feel like the metal gets tarnished and smells but I don’t want to ruin the rhinestones beads etc. with harsh cleaners. Any advice appreciated!!!

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Ask a jeweler at a mall with your item in hand, if necessary. Ultrasonic cleaners and chemicals might unseat your beads. The tarnish and smell might be the metal reacting with your skin (not fixable). Try YouTube or Facebook for advice on cleaning costume jewelry.
      Best of luck.

    2. Mayflower Metalsmith*

      If your jewelry is made of silver, copper, or brass, you can get something called ‘Sunshine cloth’ to clean it with. It’s a dry cloth you can use to polish off oxides that naturally accumulate on these metals. Just Google ‘sunshine cloth’, it’s sold lots of places. Might also work on other base metals, but I haven’t tried that. If getting the piece wet isn’t an issue, you could try warm water, mild soap, and a soft toothbrush to get in tight places where grunge inevitably accumulates.

    3. Koala dreams*

      I don’t know about jewellery, but I cleaned my watch with a soft toothbrush, some dish soap and mild water.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I was using lemon juice and a battery operated electronic type jewelry cleaner. The thing is a little tray that vibrates when you turn it on. After a bit I found that just sitting in lemon juice can clean things up. If you have precious or semi-precious stones, you should consult with a professional because I have no idea how lemon juice would react in those instances. I just used it on plain gold or plain silver stuff. It cleans up copper pennies nicely too. ha!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The ultrasonic cleaners work with plain dish soap too. Great for gold, silver and steel, etc. with faceted precious stones & crystals held on by metal prongs or bands. Can unglue things glued on….and can permanently damage stones that form in layers. That includes pearls, opals, malachite, any shells, and probably plenty I’m not thinking of right now.
        Also, if you’re saying “costume jewelry” meaning gold/silver plate, it might be possible to have it re-plated. Electroplating isn’t common so it’d be pricy, but if it’s a strongly sentimental piece it might be emotionally worth it to have it wearable again.

        (Jewelry making is one of the paths I didn’t take… )

  55. Lcsa99*

    Has anyone had issues with their built in microwave (built into the cabinet mounted over the stove) suddenly vibrating more? I don’t know if it’s my imagination, or if I am just suddenly more aware, but it seems like every time we use our microwave it makes more noise and it seems like it’s from shaking or vibrating. Is this a sign that its gonna fail us (or fall on us) soon? That we need to clean something better? Or is this just a thing with a mounted microwave?

    1. WellRed*

      Sounds like something has come loose with how it’s mounted. Do check the cabinet contents first though, in case it’s something silly like rattling spices.

    2. Jersey's mom*

      Also, you may want to check the microwave itself if you can pull it out. Mine was doing the same thing. Turns out the screw on the side panel of the microwave had loosened. Two minutes with a screwdriver, no more vibration.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Stupid question. Is the glass tray inside sitting squarely on its wheels? Mine will make a racket if I have not gotten that tray back in place correctly after washing it.

  56. Brandy*

    I have the makings of an SAT problem:

    We are building a new 3 car garage, with bags AB and C. The entrance to the mudroom is along the wall next to bay A.

    We have two cars: the family SUV and DH’s sedan. Both have about the same length and width and door swing.

    Bay C is earmarked for DH’s car workshop tools and potentially one day project cars/a lift for project cars.

    We’d been thinking that the family SUV parks in Bay A, however, I’m now realizing that since DH leaves first, if the family car (which I drive) parks in Bay B I will potentially have a lot easier time getting all 3 kids loaded in (all are still I n car seats).

    DH is arguing the off chance that he leaves late means we have to walk around his ($$$) car to get to the family car.

    Yes, we can always change later but this is a
    Thing We Are Debating, right down to trashcan placement now that construction is wrapping up.

    So- thoughts? How does this work in your garage? Does the family car park nearest the entrance to the house?

    1. Christy*

      Yeah you’re totally in the right here. Whatever makes it easier to get the three kids in car seats in the car is the right choice.

    2. Random thoughts*

      Your husband is afraid his car will get scratched by the kids if he leaves late? Is it pure worry or are you often carrying stuff/has damage actually happened that would justify him worrying like this?
      But let’s assume he’s right to be worried. One question:
      How does the extra time and effort it takes you to settle the kids in the SUV if it’s in Bay A compare to the effort your husband would have to go to on days he’s late to move his car out of the way and put it back in when the kids are settled?
      Because if he’s only occasionally late, and it takes him 5 minutes (and he can do it in his pajamas), and it saves you 15min and a lot of drama every day, he should leave Bay B to you.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, you are hitting all my thoughts here. I get that DH sounds like a car guy, what with the plan for a project car bay and all, but the rule is still people before cars (voters before motors?).

        Another possibility: if the project car notion is a ways in the future, could bay A store the tools and still leave you car seat wielding room for bay B? Then he could park in bay C without the traumatic potential of human contact.

        1. Brandy*

          If Bay A had tools (this was my first thought), then the kids, who are all under 6, would be parading by then daily, which seems less than ideal.

          He’s right to be worried that the risk to *any* car is higher if 4 people are walking by/around it regularly. But he is rarely late and often when he’s running late he takes a kid with him anyway to drop at preschool.

          I think this is more about him having it in his head one way and that changing.

          1. fposte*

            I have no idea what kind of tools are involved, so I’ll yield to your judgment on that. But I’m having a hard time giving his position any justice here. Every car that’s in use has multiple people walking around it every day, and, even riskier, has multiple two-ton vehicles in motion within inches of it. The added risk of you and your kids walking past it is lost in the noise, unless your kids are Transformers or Wolverine.

            I like Random’s idea–if he’s so worried about the car on days that he’s late, he can move the thing out of the way. If it’s not worth that to him to defend the car from your savage children, then maybe they’re not such a danger.

            I mean, I’m sure that the car is his pricey baby. But his babies are also his babies.

          2. WellRed*

            I am not sure I understand all this, but you cannot have a mechanic space that you and your children will have to traipse through regularly. It’s dirty and dangerous. I still feel the pain 10 years later of bumping my foot on the edge of the steel beam on the lift. Also, the bay with the lift doesn’t need to be wider? With a reinforced floor? I don’t have any mechanicsin the family at all ; )

            1. Brandy*

              Yes it does, and it does. We’re building the garage so the mechanic space (and I think the whole thing but I forget) has extra thick concrete so it can support a lift, and the ceilings are extra tall, and the whole thing is designed with this in mind. I block it out and consider it an investment in my marriage.

              And it’s not idea that it’s a bit of a shared space, but he’s just a hobby/tinker mechanic. He’s been cluttering up our ONE garage space with his projects, so now he can clutter 1/3 of the garage. And the tools (and possible project car) are all staying on the opposite side of the garage from all the people and the regular use cars and the door to the house.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I park in the garage. The other two drivers in my house park in the driveway or on the road in front of the house, whichever they want, so long as they’re not blocking my car into the garage on weekends. (I rarely go anywhere during the week; I work from home.) My husband’s brother told him he should push to be the one to park in the garage since he’s the only one of the three of us who has to go out and get the car ready to go somewhere every morning, and to an extent I can see the logic behind that, but since I WFH full-time and our housemate WFH 3 days a week, keeping my car in the garage means I am never blocking in anyone who has to go anywhere. (Housemate parks on the driveway side not behind my car, husband usually parks behind housemate, since even on housemate’s office days, husband leaves earlier.) Also, I own the house, so I pulled rank, and husband’s brother likes to to try to find ways to cause trouble between husband and me. Usually fails, because husband knows better. :P

      It is technically a two-car garage, but one side is just enough full of refrigerator, chest freezer, storage shelving, and the miscellany that ends up in a garage that there’s only room for one car in it.

    4. Anono-me*

      The hunt for the perfect project car is a long an arduous one. Can the fancy car be parked in bay C until the project car is found? Then you can park in bay a and/or b (depending on
      if there is s double door or two singles) until at least one of the kids is out of a carseat.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I have no idea Who Is Right about the cars. I have some experience in Maintaining The Peace in my marriage(s), though.

      First, if you can kick this down the road, do it. Does anything tangible change about your construction or finishes depending on who is using which of bays A&B? If not, agree to be agnostic until the garage is finished.

      Even when the garage is finished, you should STILL be agnostic. Agree to try parking your car in A and his in B for, say, a few months, and then you’ll revisit it. This allows each of you to test your hypotheses – is it really a big burden to load the kids into bay A, given that bay B will probably be empty most of the time and at least give you some space on that side? How often does he really run late so that his car would be endangered if he were to park in bay A?

      In my marriages, letting him have his way provisionally would gain me a lot of goodwill. If we needed to revisit the decision in the future he would be more likely to credit my claim of ACTUAL inconvenience in bay A, rather than my guess that it would be a problem. Also, TBH I’ve been wrong at least once in my life, and it’s possible that bay A won’t be a big deal to you. In that case, in my marriages I’d get some goodwill points for admitting that. It’s possible that I would bring it up in connection with some OTHER accommodation I wanted in some other context. Maybe.

      Finally, if you do wind up in bay A, is it possible to take advantage of bay C’s real estate by having him scoot as close to C as he can when he parks, so that you can scoot over toward B, opening up more room on the mudroom-side of A?

      The TL version of this is that in my relationships, sometimes how strongly someone feels gets some extra weight. Your husband is being kind of myopic about this. If he’s not generally a complete jerk, maybe decide that this is super important to him, and try to humor him, at least at first. That way he knows that you took his concerns seriously, if you do need to change things later.

    6. Alex*

      I’m a bit confused as to why Bay B is best for the family SUV.

      I would think it would be easiest to get kids into bay A, because bay A is closest to the house. What if you need to carry a sleeping child, or an…unwilling child (lol)? Isn’t closer easier? Is bay A so close to the door that you can’t fully open the doors?

      I would think that bay B would be further, leaving more room for kids to run around in a room that may have potential hazards, not to mention being closer to bay C, which may have most of the hazards.

      1. Christy*

        I am almost certain that Bay B gives more maneuverability for getting the three kids in the car, particularly when Bay A is empty.

        1. fposte*

          Yes, I think this is like the disabled spaces with the buffer for wheelchair loading. B leaves Brandy with an empty buffer zone in A, except for the very rare mornings when her husband’s car is still in A.

          1. valentine*

            I think hubs just wants A so he doesn’t have to walk further and is calling dibs as though leaving first means he should get to be closest to the door.

            Brandy, you get Bay A. It’s a numbers game and you want the kids out the door and in the car ASAP. (Although hood slides across Dad’s car would be awesome.) Imagine your worst day. Imagine all of you have the flu and you have to drive them somewhere. Think of their accoutrement. Unless hubs is taking a marching band with him from the house to his car (because the marching band (rightfully) refused to yield), the kids and their gear get the shortest route possible. And never mind walking near his car. (If possible, program the garage to open to that song from Ferris Bueller.) People are going to throw each other things from door to car and vice versa, for fun or efficiency.

            Put up a shelf or something dividing B from C, in hopes hubs will actually limit his workshop to C, and shut it down early if he spreads out in C, narrowing B and A.

    7. ..Kat..*

      Pick one. See how it works for a month or two. Then see if you want to change. Since you have the more arduous task (loading up the kids), I think you should pick what you think will work the best for you as the option to try out.

      Another way to decide: does one of you care more about this than the other person? If so, let them choose.

  57. Rebecca*

    Mom update and dryer update and OMG she is in rare form today. (aside, my revised passport arrived with my birth name! Woot!! Bank printed my checks incorrectly so I have to wait longer on that!)

    Oh man – my mother actually bought a new dryer but it appears we have an electrical issue instead. New dryer isn’t working and the breaker has tripped twice. I told her that I could get someone here to put in a new breaker box 6 months ago, but he wasn’t a certified electrician, she said no, got bids, and failed to act. Now she spent money on a new dryer that we probably didn’t need. I tried to dry sheets and towels today and it shut off and tripped the breaker twice. I told her about it, and then overheard her on the phone with someone “Oh, what am I going to do? I don’t know who to call. I don’t know anyone who can do this”. Grrrr…..

    So far today, it’s my fault we have too much celery, even when I called her from the store, asked her if we had any celery, she said no, so I bought celery. Now we have way too much. I’ll take some to work on Monday and give it away!

    Before I went for groceries, she said “before you load that thing up with more food, pull it out so I can clean under it”, pointing at the fridge. So I did. Got home, carried all the groceries up the steps, she said “I have to clean the top, you stand here while I do it”. OK, but I have to go to the bathroom first, will be right back. 2 minutes later, I got back, she shoved a towel at me and said “dry the top off, I already washed it” and stormed off.

    Complained about the central vac hose not working with the fitting in the dining room. “I’m not going to keep replacing things and paying people to do things when they tell me things work and they don’t, I’m tired of this” and stormed off. I tried to get the hose to try it (she probably didn’t have it in the right spot), but she said she put it away and to leave it alone. OK then.

    I gave her mail – things came from the IRS, and she went into a rant about how they shouldn’t waste money sending her things she doesn’t need, she’s sick of people getting her estimated quarterly taxes wrong, she had stock gains issues where she paid too much and it took too much time to get her money back, and OMG on and on and on, I told her to call the IRS and talk to them. I figured that would keep her busy for a while. (aside, if you work for the IRS and have to deal with her, I’m sorry. I really am.) I told her that the IRS probably has to send papers by law, that she is not being singled out, and that these things happen, not a big deal.

    Car insurance bill, due 3/10 – she complained it’s too close to the due date, so she can’t mail a check, she’ll have to go to the office, and the last time she mailed a check they sent her a letter stating they didn’t get it and they were going to cancel her insurance and they weren’t going to treat *her* that way again, and why do these companies do this — I pointed out we could pay it online. I DON’T DO THOSE THINGS! She just snapped at me.

    Yet another solicitation for money, because she writes checks to charities…at least with this after she complained about it, she shoved it in my direction to deal with. Getting her off the list. I wrote “deceased” on it and sent it back.

    This was just a small part of my day. I just shake my head and try to avoid my mother as much as possible. So grateful I am on the 2nd floor and she has trouble with steps. At least I can get away from her. Honestly I have never, ever been around a more miserable human being in my life. She is so fixated on what people think of her, what other people have, if they’re trying to take what she has, it’s so weird and frustrating for me to deal with her. Honestly I don’t know how my Dad did it, living with her all those years. I really hate to say this, and maybe I’m a bad person, but I can’t wait to get away from her. I wish I had an actual mother. I look at stories online, see people on Facebook and the things they do with their mothers, and I can’t even wrap my head around any of it. Mother’s Day cards in the stores give me hives. None of them are applicable. She’s more the seasick crocodile type. Ugh. I’m so sorry for the long rant. Going to go make supper and drink some adult beverages.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Don’t believe Facebook! Facebook makes seasick crocodiles look mighty good. And the first person who prints neutral-type Mother’s Day cards would make a fortune!
      Yay for adult beverages! ;)

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        Oh my god I’ve also had that thought before.

        “Happy mother’s Day to someone who is physically present but totally useless” kind of thing. One day I’d like to actually print one of them and write it, just to get it all out. Then burn it.

        1. The Francher Kid*

          In the 3rd grade, I made my mother a card in school that said “Happy Mother’s Day to a mother I don’t like all that much but I guess I love.” She thought it was hysterical, and was the only thing I made her that she kept. I still can’t believe I had the chutzpah to actually do it.

        2. Rebecca*

          Yes! She is not a “mother”. She is the female person who gave birth to me, that’s it. I know that sounds really harsh, but it’s the truth. I can’t even stand to be around her, and that makes me feel like a horrible person. To make matters worse, she smiles and is so weirdly nice to strangers, so people would think I’m the bad one if I ever said anything.

          1. Quandong*

            You aren’t a horrible person because you can’t stand to be around your mother.
            She sounds appalling to live with (on top of her lack of connection and care for you) and I hope you are able to move out even faster than you had planned.

          2. The Francher Kid*

            If I wasn’t absolutely sure my mother was really and sincerely dead, I would think she had moved to PA and started over with you. She did the “nice” thing with her sister and niece, who thought I was a monster because I distanced myself from her. Her last words to me were “I hate you,” but I was able to recognize that it was about her and not me (thanks to a really good therapist). I’m just an internet stranger, but you’re not a horrible person. If you were, you wouldn’t care so much.

          3. ..Kat..*

            You are not horrible. If you thought of her as a roommate rather than your mother, would this make living with her easier?

            Congratulations on getting your passport sorted out. This is a big step forward for your new name. Also, as an OFFICIAL DOCUMENT, a passport makes changing other stuff much easier.

            1. Rebecca*

              I know! I have all my “papers” in a large ziploc plastic bag. It feels good to be organized and to have them all in one place. Going to transfer them to the fireproof safe shortly.

          4. Not So NewReader*

            You might like to check out some of the books regarding mother-daughter relationships. I got so much relief from reading the stories. My mother was gone by the time I heard of these books so I never applied anything I learned. But I did reframe things. Such as, just about every daughter of a toxic mother at some point decides they themselves are a horrible person.
            And of course, this is simply not true. Society has it set up that we are supposed to worship mothers no matter what. Well, it’s not as bad as it used to be but it’s still there. Giving birth does not make one a parent and more people are realizing this.
            No we don’t have to adore someone who abuses us- and abuse can be anything financial, physical, psychological. That does not make us less than, rather it means we are a thinking and feeling person. If a non-related person spoke to you like this, what would you think? Yeah. I thought so. It’s a bunch of garbage, no one deserves to be treated like that, etc.

            What your mother is doing is gaslighting you. Argumentatively, she seems to be able to control it. My observation is that if they play the game long enough they get to the point where they no longer can control and the game begins to control them as their minds crumble.

            Thinking about this stuff further, I have concluded that it is irrelevant if they can control it or not. The fact that they think it’s okay to gaslight stands alone as there is something major going on with them. It could be physical, it could be mental or it could be a combination of both. It is never, ever okay to gaslight people. Did I mention NEVER?

            As the thinking tanks so does the physical health. This is a recognizable pattern. My friend just lost her mother. Mom was doing lots and lots of gaslighting. Friend kept trying to reason with her. That was a waste of time and energy. Suddenly, mom died. Friend was kind of blindsided by that, but mental function and body function tend to decline together.

            I worry about you some what. I kind of wondered if you went from the frying pan to the fire. I hope you can get yourself to a safe place soon. And if you still want to help mom, well, all the power to you. But please get your own oxygen mask on first. You need it.

          5. Wishing You Well*

            It’s the old “street angel, home devil” again and again. There is (and was) more than one in my family. These people don’t change – ever. So protect yourself and do what you need to to stay sane.

      2. Hold My Cosmo*

        Not quite the same thing, but google “Emily McDowell greeting cards” for some ‘substitute mom’ cards. She makes a mother’s day card for single dads that really tugs the heartstrings.

    2. Lora*

      If I didn’t know for a fact that my mom is in assisted living, I’d think we were long lost sisters. Jeez. It only gets worse the older they get because the worse aspects of your personality get kinda… amplified? I guess? when you get elderly.

      I’m sorry. I hope you can escape soon. I can say that when you do finally escape, you will find such delight in peace and quiet that other humans will struggle to understand. For two months I was rhapsodizing about such glorious activities as washing the floor with the cleaner that smells nice, eating a meal of foods I enjoy while listening to my favorite music, and sleeping until 6:30am on a Saturday. Because I never got to do that, for years, and it’s crazy making to not be able to do basic stuff without heckling from the peanut gallery and giant hissyfits about exactly nothing every fking HOUR. It’s exhausting to live like that with every. Single. Choice. No matter how trivial, nitpicked to death and you can’t do anything right. And the basic assumption, every day, that you’re too dumb to be able to do stuff (like you OFFERED to get the electrician in, and that was… whatever, somehow not acceptable? No good anyway, for reasons unknown) and everything you try to do sucks or whatever. And you KNOW it isn’t you, it’s her, but it still just sucks.

      I’m sorry. Internet hugs if you want them.

      1. Rebecca*

        Thank you so much for that. The man who bought my house gutted it, replaced the old fuse box with a new breaker box (and had an electrician come in to inspect for the power company), and that was that. He offered to do the same for us. Mom said no, because he was not an electrician, she wouldn’t allow it. She talked to someone on the phone who said oh no, you can’t do that. So that was that. Once she gets something in her head, there’s no turning back.

        Oh, and she just said I cooked rice wrong. I cooked it in a saucepan, on the stove, lid on, on low, and all the liquid absorbed. She said I shouldn’t have done it that way, why, she uses the microwave. I should have used a double boiler and not “dried it up in the pan”. It’s not dried up, it’s perfectly cooked. But not according to her, and she won’t let it go. I’m in my room. Going to make pork fried rice this evening to eat with stuff tomorrow, but waiting for her to vacate the kitchen.

        1. Lora*

          Ha! I use the wrong kind of rice, according to my mom: any kind that is not Minute Rice Boil In Bag. Even the kind from the Asian grocery store, she hates, because you… can’t trust Chinese people to know anything about rice, I guess? Some of the crap she comes up with is inadvertently hilarious and then she gets really mad if you laugh.

          1. Rebecca*

            OMG my mom too! She gives me the side eye about any Asian foods I bring into the house, reads the ingredients, and “I don’t eat that stuff”, I say, OK, don’t, it’s really good! I just made pork fried rice, sat down and ate a few bites. “I thought you ate supper”, that’s what I got. I said, I did, just wanted to taste this while it was still fresh. I washed up all the dishes, and am now back in my room.

            Here’s an inadvertently hilarious thing she’s dreamed up: I broke the driveway because I put ice melt on it, and a big crack appeared and it heaved up about 2 or 3 inches. Reasoning? Because on QVC, they were selling something that gets rid of ice without ruining walks and driveways. I tried to point out we had 150% of our normal rainfall, ground is saturated, so when it hit minus 9F, things froze and expanded, thus making the crack and the pavement heaved up. NO – YOU DID IT, I SAW IT ON QVC!! I threw my hands in the air. Fast forward 2 weeks, I didn’t put ice melt down, I just wore my Stabilicers…and she asked me why I didn’t put the stuff on the driveway. Yep. **and the pavement is down to its normal level now that temps have moderated a bit.

            1. valentine*

              #earplugs
              detached bemusement
              “Oh, my goodness!”

              You need an escape plan and there should be meetup groups for adults to adopt proper grand-/parents.

              1. Rebecca*

                I have long hair, and have been kidding about getting wireless earbuds when I have to endure long power point meetings at work about management mumbo jumbo de jour from one of our whacky VP’s who thinks we should all be EXCITED about the latest whatever he’s excited about. This would totally work for dealing with Mom! I could listen to a podcast or Pandora and just nod and say, Oh, that’s terrible, or I’m sorry that happened, and not have to really listen!

                ***only half kidding here

        2. LCL*

          Re the power: before you spend money on an electrician, call the power company and tell them you are having appliance issues and want them to check the power at the weatherhead. If any one of the connections is bad, that could result in issues. Odds are it is an internal problem, but you might as well find out before you spend any money. Maybe the central vac thing isn’t a hose problem, it could be part of the power problem.

          I can’t help with the mom issue. I read your posts every weekend after my mom drives me nuts, to remind myself things could get much worse.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending a hug. If you were on the west coast, I have a 9 bottles of very very good red adult beverage which I will not consume alone…. I could share.

    4. Jaid*

      LOL, a lot of the stories I read on Facebook are of horrible mothers (thank you Oola, Factinate, Momsrow, and other Reddit aggregators). I guess the algorithms figures out that I like to read stories about horrible families, customers, bosses, etc.

      I wish you all the best.

    5. Bluebell*

      So much sympathy to you! my nonwork drama this week was my mom, whose “I’m going to the dentist because it’s been two years since teeth cleaning” (I pay for her teeth cleaning and she went last year, I checked) turned into “I need root canal, a new crown, and I can’t afford my pain medication.” This led to a long series of emails and texts with my sisters and me. She’s set now but annoyed that we are not calling her enough. But she forgets when we do call her, and when we call says it’s not a good time. Oy.

  58. L’il Sebastian*

    I’m struggling with figuring out what to say to a friend whose anxiety is become a serious problem. I sympathize, because I too struggle with it, but it’s just getting so hard to watch the decisions she makes as a result of the anxiety, especially now that she has a child and those decisions aren’t affecting just her.

    Examples: Finds out during pregnancy that her baby might have a fairly serious disorder. Says, “I can’t do the test to find out for sure, it gives me too much anxiety so I’m just going to tell myself everything is fine.” Even though knowing in advance would definitely be beneficial.

    Then she finds out she’s at risk of going into labor early. I ask if she’s thought about what hospital she’ll go to if that happens, since our local one doesn’t have an NICU. She says, “I can’t even handle the thought of her needing to be in the NICU, so no. It will be fine, thinking about that gives me too much anxiety.”

    Now baby girl is indeed in the NICU (had to be emergency transported right after birth since friend refused to consider the above scenario.) She was a devestated ball of anxiety about their separation. Now she’s cussing up a storm and furious at the hospital employees for not letting her bring baby home yet when she’s sure everything is fine and it’s giving her so much anxiety to have baby in the NICU.

    Part of me feels like she already has enough on her plate and it’s not the time for me to say anything. She’s already on medication, so she’s not unaware that this is an issue requiring attention. But at the same time…it’s driving me nuts that she doesn’t seem to recognize that her anxiety is causing her to make choices that are unwise and not what is best for her child. How do I say that without sounding awful? Or do I just keep my mouth shut for now?

    1. fposte*

      Does she have a partner or other family? Is baby’s daddy involved at all?

      I think you might be able to say something like “I understand you’re struggling with anxiety, but as a parent sometimes you need to suffer something that brings you anxiety for the benefit of the kid,” but you pretty much can only say that once. But it’s also possible that she’s heard that plenty and she just isn’t up for changing (I would imagine the hospital staff has raised this for a start). You may not be able to fix this. What you might be able to do, if you stay friends with her, is have a relationship with the kid that cushions the blow a little; if she can’t see the kid get shots, maybe you can do the pediatrician run, that kind of thing.

      It’s really hard to see somebody making choices, if only by refusing to make choices, that are going to hurt somebody else. I’m going through that with grownup friends dealing with illness, and even though the result is a slow-moving tragedy, I can’t change that. And I don’t know if this is you too, but I deal with my anxiety by planning and researching, so my reaction to people freezing in situations like this is to plan at them more and harder, because it’s so clear and obviously they just didn’t *hear.*

      But even if my friends did what I thought they should, it wouldn’t make their situation okeydokey. And it sounds like your friend’s baby is in the same place she’d be if your friend had planned, so maybe her lack of planning has mattered less to the outcome than your anxiety about her process is telling you.

      Sorry. It’s hard to watch stuff like this from the sidelines.

      1. L’il Sebastian*

        Yeah, I am someone like you who overplans when anxious, so that’s probably part of my reaction.

        She’s married but that was another questionable decision. “Dating gives me so much anxiety; I just want to be done. I’m going to marry “insert her now husband’s name here.” Then tells us stories about how he woke her up in the middle of the night because he was mad at a video game and started breaking things. And somehow acts like this is a funny story.

        As I’m typing that I’m realizing this is a long standing enough pattern that there are no magic words that are going to help. Blah. We work together so I hear about it all a lot (or I will again anyways, once she’s back from FMLA leave) and it just gets frustrating.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, geez, that breaking things story. Sometimes people tell stuff like that as a funny story because they can’t face it as a distressing one, but holy cow either way. Overall, this is not likely to be somebody who’s only waiting to have this helpful thing pointed out to straighten up and fly right.

          FWIW, I’ve gone through a lot about my friends’ situation, and it’s been a hard thing for me to struggle with. So don’t get so locked into your concern about her kid to forget about managing yourself here. Some people are just preloaded with rabbit holes, and we have to be careful not to just plummet down them.

          1. valentine*

            She sounds dangerous. Is it going to be “I can’t think about her having x, so I’m not going to treat it”?

            Stop being her audience. You don’t have to suffer for her shambolic choices.

    2. HannahS*

      Oh dear, this is a terrible situation. Poor her, and poor you. I think you’re right that now is really not the time to have a larger conversation. I do think it’s fine to say things like, “Hey, I know you’re really anxious, with baby still in the NICU. It must be so hard to be apart from her. I know you want to bring her home, but it would be awful to bring her home early and then have something bad happen.” Use the word “anxiety” and validate, then challenge. If she says, “Nothing bad would happen, it will would be fine!” You can say, “I know you don’t want anything bad to happen to her. It’s so anxiety-provoking to think that anything could! But you know she’s been pretty fragile, and from what you’re telling me it sounds like she’s still needing a lot of medical support.” Again, use the word “anxiety” and validate, then challenge. Even if you don’t feel you can challenge, you can do the first part, in the hopes of helping her recognize that her thoughts are coming from anxiety instead of reality.

      I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I’m a bit worried the extent of her denial. Is the mom going to bring the baby to follow-up appointments, or avoid it because it gives her too much anxiety? Would she be able to recognize if her kid needs to go to the ER, or would she be in denial?

      1. L’il Sebastian*

        I think this is good phrasing – going to keep that in my back pocket, thank you! And yes, I am also worried about how the denial is going to affect things.

        1. HannahS*

          One thing that I was taught in an otherwise useless course in medical school was the language of escalating concern. It was meant for us students to use when challenging people in the hierarchy, but I think it might help you, too. It escalates something like this:
          “Friend, I don’t understand your decision not take [daughter] to the doctor. I realize that you’re anxious, but don’t you think it’s better for [daughter] get the care she needs?”
          “Friend, I’m concerned that you’re not taking [daughter] to the doctor.”
          “Friend, it’s unsafe that you’re not taking [daughter] to the doctor. I think this could cause her serious harm.
          …and then you report stuff, if you think the daughter’s not getting her essential needs met. It sucks, and honestly, if the hospital is worried about medical neglect, they’re probably considering calling in protective services. Where I am, the agencies in question can help parents who are struggling get some of the help they need, without apprehending the child.

          1. Sparrow*

            Ooh, this is amazing. I’m in medical school and we didn’t learn this, but I am going to keep in my back pocket now in case I need it.

            1. HannahS*

              It’s great. I used the “I don’t understand” thing on a doc who was introducing me to psychiactric patients as a doctor (!!!) instead of as a student which is WILDLY unacceptable, and I just used that phrasing and he explained his reasoning and asked me what I preferred, if that was making me uncomfortable. It was a super low-key conversation (that I sweated through) and didn’t hurt our relationship at all.

              1. blackcat*

                Oh, this gives me so much more insight into language that I’ve read med students use around me! I’ve heard the “I don’t understand” language a lot, which is almost always followed up by “This patient as X gene, which means Y for treatment. The standard protocol could be unsafe for her.” And then the med student always goes something like “Oh. Okay.”

                1. HannahS*

                  I mean, sometimes we really dont understand and are just asking haha! But yes, it’s used to tiptoe around uncomfortable subjects, too.

                2. blackcat*

                  The tone has definitely been “WHAT AREN’T YOU ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY?!”

                  The look on a med students face when the doctor mentioned no anesthesia for something was priceless.
                  Student: I don’t understand why or even how you’d do this without large doses of lidocaine
                  Me: It won’t work on me and just introduces risks. I have done this before and am very good at holding still.
                  Doctor: Yeah. See the red hair. It impacts redheads to varying degrees, but she has a bad case of resistance to anesthetics. Better to just go without.
                  Student: But… won’t that hurt?!
                  Me and doctor in unison: Yes.

          2. Nita*

            I hope the friend is just reeling from a lot of unexpected awfulness and will get better at managing her anxiety, but the fact that she seems to have a less than supportive husband makes everything 100 times worse. It’s easy enough to get into a tailspin from hormones, anxiety, sleep deprivation and stress, but when the other person in the family can’t be the rock and instead is whittling away your last nerve… I’m worried about that baby. I hope it never comes to needing to report neglect, but it’s unfortunately a possibility.

            I don’t know what words will get through about the anxiety, but if you’re close enough to visit once baby is home, sometimes that’s a really big help. Anxiety can really build up when you’re keeping all the worry locked up inside. Maybe you can also encourage your friend to try therapy, but realistically it’s so hard to find time for that (or even figure out how to find a therapist) when you have a newborn…

    3. Approval is optional*

      I don’t think you need words, because I don’t think it’s your place to say it. You actually have no idea what she recognises or what she doesn’t – all you know is what she verbalises to you. You think her choices are unwise and not best for her child, but outsiders rarely have all the info needed to decide what choices are best for someone else’s child, unborn or born, so you can’t be sure you’re right. And even if you are right and her choices aren’t the ‘best’, well, sometimes parents are just ‘good enough’, and we have to accept that. In fact, I doubt there is a parent anywhere, including those who are much more than good enough, who hasn’t at least once made a choice that wasn’t ‘best’ for their child. If medical staff are concerned about her decisions they will deal with them, others should keep their own counsel.
      Comments are making wild leaps to neglect and so on, but in reality she has made choices and the child is alive and where it needs to be. So far so good. She’s stressed and lashing out at staff, but even parents without underlying anxiety do that sometimes when their child is in NICU – it is an incredibly stressful time.
      Even if you eventually believe the child is actually being neglected, and have to report it, how will telling her ‘that her anxiety is causing her to make choices that are unwise and not what is best for her child’, help prevent the neglect? Leave her therapy to her therapist and just be her friend. If you are going ‘nuts’, then deal with that in whatever way you deal with things.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Child is alive in spite of the decisions that Mom has made. And, yes, deciding not to decide is a decision. Not having a high risk baby in a hospital with a NICU is endangering a baby. Emergency transport is high risk. This Mom seems more about creating drama than caring about her child.

        And she is now threatening to take her child home too early from the NICU. This is not in the best interests of the child. This could kill the child or cause lifelong morbidity for the child.

        I speak as a pediatric ICU nurse.

        1. Approval is optional*

          Well wanting to and ranting about it and actually doing it are different things. And you are the ‘medical staff’ I spoke of as intervening because you would have knowledge the OP lacks, so can make a better assessment of the situation.

          1. L’il Sebastian*

            There are actually harmful things she’s already done. As the above comment said, baby is her in spite of those decisions, not because of them. I’m choosing to not respond further on this because it’s just not helpful – I have more insight on what’s going on here than you seem to think, but I’m not looking to convince you that’s true or engage in a debate about it.

        2. Approval is optional*

          Besides the OP didn’t ask what to do in the future to help, she asked how to tell her friend ‘that her anxiety is causing her to make choices that are unwise and not what is best for her child’ without sounding awful. I stand by my opinion that she shouldn’t say that to her in any words.

        3. Lilysparrow*

          Surely she can’t take the child out of NICU unless the child is discharged?

          I mean, where I live they get CPS involved immediately if a parent tries to demand a baby be discharged AMA.

          And if the situation is that dire, then CPS should be involved.

          Perhaps that is a something OP might warn the friend about – as a friend who is on her side.

      2. misspiggy*

        I’m not sure. I was a chronically unwell child of an anxious mother. The only times I got medical help for things she couldn’t handle was when other people kindly but firmly told her she needed to take me to the doctor. Those interventions made a big difference for me, partly because they helped counteract my conditioning to never seek help as an adult.

        1. Approval is optional*

          Even if this is how the OPs friend is as a mother (and she may not be, as not all anxious parents react in the same way), the OP didn’t ask how to kindly but firmly suggest she take little Buttercup to the doctor, she asked how to tell her ‘that her anxiety is causing her to make choices that are unwise and not what is best for her child’. Totally different thing.

          1. L’il Sebastian*

            I think you’re giving my post the harshest reading possible – making assumptions that aren’t there (and then accusing me of doing the same thing!) and quoting me but twisting it. I’m asking you to step back from that – these aren’t not helpful comments towards the situation. I am, in fact, going to need help with the kind of thing you say I’m not seeking help for. Because I know this person and know this scenario is inevitably going to occur at some point (the sick child she refuses to take to the doctor.) Just like when she was showing signs of preeclampsia (which she turned out to have) and had to be begged to go to the hospital.

  59. Sam Sepiol*

    I posted a few weeks ago that one of my friends had done me a small kindness and it had made me cry as I realised how rare it is for people to offer me practical help.

    I was having a mild panic attack when she texted me this afternoon. Despite having seen me with our kids for 4 hours this morning, when she got my text saying I wasn’t right she called me immediately, then collected me and took me out for a walk then bought me a coke in a pub and chatted with me until I felt better.

    I feel so very lucky right now.

    1. My Brain is Exploding*

      Awww. You have a sweet friend. And you realize it! Good for you. Glad you are feeling better, too.

      1. valentine*

        Sweet, but not sustainable. I hope you have other options and she’s not becoming your personal first responder.

        1. Sam Sepiol*

          I don’t have other options. Would that I did. That’s the only time she’s actually done something for me – the other time she just said that if I had problems when out on my own one night to call and she would collect me. I didn’t have any problems and I had a taxi pre-booked so it was fine.

          I look after myself. Last time I sent someone a text like I sent L last night they literally just said “sorry I’m away. I literally didn’t expect my friend to do anything except possibly text back. Life has taught me not to expect anything from anyone. My lesson for this year is that sometimes people will be there for me.

          This comment has really upset me.

            1. Nita*

              Yes. There is nothing wrong with accepting a friend’s help on a bad day. I still remember, a couple of years ago, how my husband was having an incredibly stressful day with the kids, and a well-timed play date invitation saved the day. It means so much, just calling someone who’s struggling and offering your company.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            I understood that as your context. You found someone who did something very sweet and this is not a norm in your life.
            I did not meet a lot of sweet people myself initially. I can say from experience, once we meet that first one we start meeting more and more really decent people. I am not sure what happened for life to change direction but it did. And I was. very. grateful.
            I think this is what will happen for you, also.

            1. Sam Sepiol*

              Thank you NSNR (and everyone).
              I look around me and all I see is abusive relationships and people who aren’t there for me (or others). A healer I’ve been seeing has said that as I heal and grow I will meet other people and see models of healthy relationships. Maybe this is starting to happen for me? I hope so.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                I am grinning, this sounds like this is starting for you. I am so happy for you. Nice people will lead you to more nice people. Don’t focus too much on if they stay around or if they move on, instead trust that they have played or are playing the role they are supposed to play in your reknitting here.
                And take notes because your turn to pay it forward will come around.

      2. Sam Sepiol*

        Thank you. She was confused by how much I thanked her. “That’s just what friends do” Not in my experience it’s not. I hope I can repay her in some way.

  60. Looking for the opinions of Middle Children*

    I’m an oldest of 3 (girl/girl/boy, so middle was youngest girl). My husband is an only. We have 3 girls, with not quite 3 years between the first two and not quite 2 years between middle and baby.

    Middle has always been the hardest kid, and this is largely a personality thing. But as she gets older- and now also we have a 3rd- I want to be really mindful of giving her the attention/focus she deserves.

    So for all you middle kiddos, and even better if you were the middle of all the same gender, what did your parents do right? What did they screw up?

    My parents screeed things up equally with all of us, in different ways. But I do know they assumed my sister would be as rule-following as I was, and she ended up getting in a lot of trouble at school (despite good grades), had drug/alcohol/unsafe sex issues in high school and had a lot of self harm isssues in college and beyond that perhaps could have been flagged earlier on if my parents kept a closer eye on her. Pretty sure they were too distracted with sister (then in college being admitted to psych wards) to pay attention to my high school brother who ended up a drug dealer until his mid 20s.

    1. Turtlewings*

      Second of 5 here, all girls but the youngest. I think my parents did it well. They never played favorites. They told us they loved us all equally and their actions always backed that up. If something had to be uneven, or appear uneven, they talked to us about it and explained why. To this day — and we’re all adults now, the youngest is married — my mother frets about spending the same amount on each of us for Christmas, and we just laugh and tell her not to worry about it At All because we know she loves us and we’re not that concerned about it.

      Honestly I got some important lessons about how “equal” does not mean “identical.” Equality means ‘everyone is getting their needs met,’ not ‘everyone has exactly the same number of toys.’ If my sister got two presents and I got one, it’s probably because mine cost twice as much. If sibling A is sick, she gets more attention this week because she needs it — and when I’m sick next week, I’ll get the attention I need, too. Stuff like that.

      I never felt like I was in competition with my siblings for my parents’ love, because that love was abundant and unrestricted. And I never felt like I had to compete for resources like money or time, because I knew my parents would do as much as they could for all of us. If they couldn’t do something, it was just the misfortune of living in an unfair world. We were all in it together.

      Now that we’re all adults, two of my siblings depend financially on my parents a lot more than the other three of us. I admit that sometimes I roll my eyes and think gee, sure would be nice if Mom & Dad covered *my* bills, too. But I know that they’re getting the extra help because they need it, and if I needed it, I’d get it, too, because my parents have always been there for me when I needed them.

      So there’s an example of doing it right, or at least what worked for us.

      1. valentine*

        Make time to spend one-on-one time with each of them. Don’t assume that, because, at age x, Prima needed less time with you or stopped obsessing over motocross or what have you, that this was age-/assigned-gender-specific and not Prima-specific. Don’t be looking for Segunda to follow in Prima’s shoes or for Terza to follow in Segunda’s. And let Segunda and Terza do things the older girl(s) didn’t. Try not to do too much “You’re just like Relative!”, lest they believe that is their entire value to you and any deviation is bad or wrong. Each adult should have their own relationship with each child, complete with in-jokes. Don’t buy stuff in threes or feel like, if you bought one a comic book, you need to get the others a comic book each to avoid jealousy. Don’t cast them in roles, for good or ill. They are all smart, talented, funny, and wonderful dancers. Celebrate whoever they are.

    2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      The thing that jumps out at me in your statement is your sister had mental health issues, and your brother was involved with drugs. I’m wondering if one area where your parents were lacking was mental health awareness? A lot of parents tend to read symptoms of mental health issues in kids as a discipline problem, not a medical problem, and thus are not properly equipped to recognize and get medical care when it’s needed.

      My parents are guilty of this flaw as well: the “advice” I’ve seen them give my cousin’s parents regarding my cousin with mental health issues is so inaccurate it makes me angry. I consider myself fortunate that I never had any mental health needs as a kid/teen, because their ideas regarding mental health are dangerously outdated and wrong.

    3. Nita*

      Very interested in seeing the responses to your post, because I also have three and have a feeling raising the middle child will be hardest. We have pretty different personalities and I worry about having a strong connection with her before she turns into a teenager and everything becomes harder.

    4. ThursdaysGeek*

      I’m a middle of middles: two older brothers, an older sister, a younger sister, a younger brother. And, like Turtlewings, my parents never played favorites, and yet also treated us as individuals with different needs. I sometimes felt overlooked, because there were also foster kids in the mix, and yet always knew I was loved. Discipline was consistent, swift, and loving.

      I also don’t buy into the stereotypes – there are plenty of exceptions. I was the best behaved of us kids, and also got the best grades. I was a rule follower. It had nothing to do with being a middle child – it had entirely to do with me being me.

      I could see the benefits the older kids got because they were older, and the benefits the younger got because they were the babies. But really, we were all treated as individuals, who needed different levels of care at different stages of life, but were still always loved equally.

  61. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Podcasts. (Doesn’t someone ask for podcast recommendations like, every week? Sorry!)

    Specifically, I’m looking for those with a more specific focus — a long-form basically multi-episode audio-documentary about one ongoing case. Question prompted by the rec above for The Dropout, which I’ve subscribed to, and from the Cold podcast mentioned last week that I pretty much blew through all fifteen episodes of in the past week. I enjoyed the first season of Serial (wasn’t interested in the story of the second season) and the associated podcast that Rabia Chaudry and company did shortly afterward. Definitely not looking for any of the “new case every episode” type podcasts, though seasons or multi-episode arcs would be okay. I’m not sure how to search for this style, since I’m not looking for one about a particular case or situation or whatnot. I’m looking primarily for nonfiction rather than a fictional story, but I’m not set only on true crime, that just happens to be where all of my podcasting experience is. (I also like military and medical history and biographies/memoirs, for nonfiction reading.)

    I keep mumbling that I just need to get into audiobooks, which I do, but since podcasts are free and available in smaller chunks…

      1. KR*

        Yes cannot recommend slow burn enough. It was super informative (I wasn’t alive for the nixon impeachment and not conscious of politics for the clinton scandal & I feel like I understand them both very well now)

    2. Nicole76*

      I just started Buried which is 20 episodes (and counting) about the disappearance of a woman in 1991 that the police didn’t investigate until decades later.

      1. Rebecca*

        Thanks for this – I also went through the first 15 episodes of Cold, started some others, and will look this up on Podcast Addict. Bonus, so pleased with myself that I found the setting where it deletes the episode file after listening, but the thumbnail shows that I’ve listened to it. Going to try to add an SD card to my cell today if I have time, but in the meantime, this is a great feature so I don’t clog up my phone with audio files.

    3. Weegie*

      If you haven’t already got it on your list, the first three seasons of Criminology will give you what you’re looking for (it’s now doing single-case episodes, though).

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I really enjoyed the second season of Missing and Murdered from the CBC (I think someone here recommended it). The first season was ok, but I started with the second and got spoiled. Also, if you haven’t listened to Dirty John, you must. I also enjoyed Bag Man, about Spiro Agnew, from Rachel Maddow. Slow Burn is also good, both seasons, the first about Nixon and the second about Clinton. Uncovered from the CBC is also very good.

    5. LGC*

      Wondery in general has been pretty good – between Dirty John, Dr. Death, and Gladiator, I’ve had several very enjoyable commutes.

      (Gladiator is about Aaron Hernandez, so if you’re REALLY not into football I’d steer clear. But you don’t have to be into football to enjoy it.)

      Other than that, the CBC put out a series called Uncover. I didn’t like the second season that much (about an unsolved plane bombing in

      1. LGC*

        WHY DID THIS SUBMIT

        Anyway – I really liked the first season of Uncover (about the NXIVM Allison Mack MLM self help sex cult – I’m not making up any of those words). I wasn’t too wild about season 2 – about the worst plane bombing in Canadian history, and unsolved to date – but that’s really my tastes at play. (Season 1 hit a LOT of my interests.)

        Finally, I should plug Headlong (Missing Richard Simmons and Surviving Y2K).

      2. Marthooh*

        Came here to recommend Gladiator, even though football generally puts me to sleep. One warning, though, almost everyone involved in the story is just super-duper uncomfortable with LGBTQ issues.

    6. KR*

      Bear Brook & the Dream are great. I’m also listening to Broken Harts. I think there’s one coming out on the zodiac killer.

    7. Teach*

      My library has various apps that allow free audiobook downloads; two I think you would like because we have the same taste are The Poisoner’s Handbook, and one on rabies that might just be called Rabies but is excellent long form non-fiction.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I own and have read both books in text (ebook) format, and have watched the Poisoners Handbook documentary – loved them both, excellent recommendations :)

    9. Dragonista*

      Happy Face is a podcast which explores the story of the daughter of the happy Face killer. It’s really well done and is a different perspective.

      I Only Listen to the Mountain Goats is a podcast exploring the stories behind the songs on the album All Hail West Texas one song per episode. The conversations between lead singer John Darnielle and Joseph Fink cover what it is Tom be an artist and a fan. Each episode also has a new cover of that episodes song. I’d never heard of the band before this podcast, it didn’t stop me from enjoying it.

      Get to Work Hurley is a podcast by the author Kameron Hurley talking about the practicalities of making a living as a writer.

      Our Opinions are Correct podcast hosted by authors Charlie Jane Anders and Annalee Newitz. It explores science fiction and the relevance to real life science, it’s a firm favourite of mine.

    10. Raquel*

      S-Town: 7 episodes that starts with a man in a small Alabama town claiming that a local rich man’s son got away with murder.

      Up and Vanished (season 1): 24 episodes about a cold case regarding a missing Georgia teacher / former beauty queen.

      I haven’t listened to the second season of Up and Vanished, but it seems to follow a similar story–missing woman from a small town. The main thing I didn’t like about this podcast was the interview with Nancy Grace, because I can’t stand her. Fair warning.

    11. Owly*

      I like these kind of podcasts too. Here are the ones I’ve listened to and liked: Bear Brook (very interesting info on genetic genealogy), The Accused, Broken Harts, Bundyville, Framed, Last Seen (robbery of an art museum), Public Official A (about Rod Blagoyovich), The Wonderland Murders, Thunder Bay, UnCover (2nd season was a bit boring), Vile, and Who the Hell is Hamish.

    13. Patty Mayonnaise*

      In The Dark has that format – each season is a different case. There’s also Someone Knows Something, also one season per case. Another interesting one was about Heaven’s Gate – I think it was just called Heaven’s Gate! And You Must Remember This is a film/Hollywood history podcast, but they did a whole season on the Manson murders and the connections to Hollywood and it is phenomenal.

    14. Marion Ravenwood*

      If you haven’t listened to The Teacher’s Pet yet, I’d recommend that one. It’s an Australian podcast about a housewife who disappeared in Sydney in 1982, and the police investigation into her disappearance. I’ve only just started listening to it myself but it’s absolutely fascinating.

  62. Mazzy*

    I have a tax question, if anyone regularly buys and sells stock or bonds. This is my first year buying and selling stocks and I’m doing my taxes for these type of transactions for the first time. Please don’t tell me to read the IRS site or get an Accountant, please, I’m already reading the IRS sight and the language is vague enough that I’m still not sure what to do.

    So I sold about 20 stocks last year. I need to do a 1099-B for every sale separately, I’m seeing. Do I also need to do a 8949? This is confusing me. In Turbotax it’s implying that I only need to do 8949s if there is something different from the 1099 form, but in other places I’m looking at online, it seems like I need to always fill out the 8949 as well.

    Anyone know the answer?

    1. fposte*

      1099-Bs come from the brokerage–you don’t fill them out yourself. They’re like W-2s for brokerage sales. A brokerage can include all the relevant transactions on a single 1099-B. You don’t have to file the 8949 if all your 1099-Bs show the cost basis for everything you sold–if it’s clear from the 1099-B how much of the sale is taxable. If you’re not sure, I’d go ahead and fill it out, because it shouldn’t hurt anything. Don’t forget you’ll need to include these on Schedule D, too.

      Oh, I just found a decent overview on Motley Fool on this; I’ll include the link in a followup.

      2. Mazzy*

        Thank you. I’m still a little confused, just with how Turbotax is doing it. It directs you what forms to fill out based on questions, and it’s guiding me to fill out the 1099-B, and only do the 8949 if I have “additional adjustments,” which I don’t have, yet the 1099s I got in the mail tell me to fill it out. But doing your taxes online isn’t really like that now, it’s not like I can grab a form and fill it out, the system isn’t guiding me to fill it out. This is confusing me. Thanks for the link, I am revisiting this tomorrow.

        1. fposte*

          FWIW, you’re filling out stuff *from* the 1099-B, not filling out the 1099-B.

          The brokerage note is a CYA note saying ho* you list gains reported on 8949 if you’re going to do it, not that you have to do it (it notes the box you check, right?). But Schedule D says explicitly, “Note: You may aggregate all long-term transactions reported on Form(s) 1099-B showing basis was reported to the IRS and for which no adjustments or codes are required. Enter the totals directly on Schedule D, line 8a; you aren’t required to report these transactions on Form 8949.”

          TurboTax is almost always right :-).

          1. Samsoo*

            I have used TurboTax for many years. But this year the final number seemed very off (I owed a PILE of money!). So I ran the numbers again… still the same. Then I went online to a competitor’s tool and the numbers came up radically different. Same thing when I did our adult kid’s taxes. So all that to say, don’t assume the online tools get it right. It can’t hurt to run the info through a couple of online tools and see what you come up with. You don’t pay until you get to the end so it might be worth your time.

            1. fposte*

              In any tool, as in TurboTax, you should be able to go in and see how they’re treating your income and deductions to get the final number. If you find something surprising, you can Google–there’s usually a lot of online discussion about any glitches in preparation tools. If you’re using two tools, it should be easy to find the discrepancy point and figure out what’s causing it. There are occasional bugs, but most of the time it’s an error in inputting.

              In this particular case, the result wouldn’t even change Mazzy’s taxes, and it’s supported by the instructions I quoted on Schedule D.

  63. Bowserkitty*

    SO CLOSE to being reunited with my baby kitty!!!! I’m headed back to the states in a couple weeks and then he’s coming back with me to my new home~~ It looks like we’re going to make it through quarantine just fine too, if the correspondence/forms I’ve exchanged with them are any sign (it has my wait time at the minimum on their status page).

    SOOOO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD

      1. Bowserkitty*

        It’s been the worst. We lived together for over six years (I have had him since he was a kitten) so he is definitely my child at this point and it has been so painful. I come home every night and start to announce I am home before catching myself and realizing nobody will hear -_- I also miss my cuddlebug threatening to make me late for work. Now the only thing threatening to make me late is my own habits…

  64. Thursday Next*

    Volunteering questions: I would like to volunteer for one of a couple of specific organizations, but I’m really concerned about not being able to meet obligations due to my health or issues with my kids’ health. I just don’t want to let anyone down.

    This wouldn’t have been a concern of mine a couple of months ago, but after five and a half years of remission, I’m having a terrible lupus flare. As in, visiting the rheumatologist every week and wondering if today is the day I’ll have to go to the ER.

    I would like to volunteer as an advocate for foster children, particularly ones with disabilities who may not have someone consistent monitoring their IEPs or IFSPs if they’re not yet five. Convincing NYC officials to give kids more services is something I’m quite good at. But I’m worried now about what would happen to any kids on my caseload (and I’d request the minimum to start, because I don’t yet know about the impact on my time) if I was ill.

    The other option I’m considering is an ombudsman (ombudsperson?) for elderly people in state long-term car facilities. The training and commitment are much less intense, and I think I could be an effective advocate for this population as well. It’s just that my heart (and experience) right now is with children.

    Do I have an actual question? I don’t know! I’d welcome any thoughts, advice, or questions.

    1. fposte*

      I’m thinking about similar issues myself, and my inclination at this point is to focus on volunteering where there’s no long-term building of a relationship with clients. So I’d aim for the LTC ombuds work for the moment and see how that goes; if your health is stable enough for a year or two even with the additional load of volunteering then I’d consider shifting over. There’ll never be a permanent guarantee for anybody’s health, but I think it’s reasonable to give a little space to feel more secure about your current stability.

      1. Thursday Nex*

        I think you articulated what was troubling me—the long-term relationship issue. And I certainly need my health to stabilize before undertaking work with a vulnerable population, for my sake as well as theirs. I think I’ll see how March goes, and then apply for the ombudsman program.

        I hope you’re successful in managing your health issues as well. Thank you for the helpful input!

    2. School Inclusion Specialist*

      I wonder if there is a way to be an advocate by monitoring the paperwork and coaching the guardian without having to go to the meetings. I’ve worked with educational advocates that are assigned by DCF and they basically function as the parent at IEP meetings (they are the ones who sign the IEPs). It is likely the meeting would have to be rescheduled and if the child is working with outside service providers (like therapeutic mentors) may not be able to attend at the new time since it is a beast to coordinate everyone. Or if the guardian is expecting you there and decides to go along with the meeting anyway, then they’ll likely be less prepared.

      I have to say, as a person who works on the school side of things, I bristle a little at your statement that you are good at “Convincing NYC officials to give kids more services”. More isn’t necessarily better. There is a trade off each time more service minutes are added. If there is data to back up the need for services, by all means advocate for appropriate services. But don’t advocate for more just to get more. I write this seeing in all to many cases that the squeaky wheel gets the grease and all too often the squeaky wheel is the most privileged parent. And the kids who have absent parents get less, and maybe less than they need.

      Now that I write this, I think you could do a lot of good being the squeaky wheel by calling and emailing district higher ups, which could allow you more flexibility to work around flare ups. That said, please make sure you advocate for appropriate services that fit the needs of the child, not the disability categorization (like just because a kid has dyslexia it doesn’t mean then need a language based partial inclusion program)

      1. Thursday Next*

        I can understand your perspective as an educator will bring different issues to the table, and I appreciate that. Your suggestions about IEP meeting participation are something I’m going to check out.

        Here’s my perspective as a parent: my daughter was born with the motor pathways center of her brain missing. This was documented on MRIs. In our first Early Intervention meeting, the city gave her (9 months old at the time) 1 PT session a week, 2 OT a month, 2 special instruction a month, and no speech and feeding. What’s an infant going to learn from that level of frequency? She lost one-third of her body weight after she turned one because she couldn’t chew or swallow. Her MRI was predictive of right-side paralysis and the prognosis was she’d never walk.

        Sometimes, more is better don’t you think? Or at least, less is worse?

        It is the city’s responsibility to provide appropriate services for every child. If you are suggesting in any way at all that by advocating for my daughter (and perhaps you’re not; it’s past my bedtime), I denied services to some other child, then you need to examine your assumptions about who owes what to whom. Yes, it is an administrative nightmare for the school professionals who have to figure out coverage. I feel sorry for school staff who are trying to do their best with limited resources. But parent advocacy is one way to put pressure on the city to do what is necessary to fulfill their legal obligations.

        I’m not so ignorant to advocate for a far more restrictive program than what a/my child needs; I want every/my child to succeed in the least restrictive environment possible.

        Yes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Yes, squeaky wheels are often more privileged than other parents. I’d like to be the squeaky wheel for children who don’t already have one, and believe me, I have met quite a few. I cannot know for sure what my daughter’s life would be like now if I’d accepted that first EI program and not pushed for more, but I imagine she would not be on a path to a moderate level of self-sufficiency.

        1. Thursday Next*

          SIS, on a second read, I realize you weren’t saying that more services for one child = less for another, so I apologize for my stridency on that point. I think, ultimately, you and I are saying the same thing about appropriate levels of service and also about the unfairness of privileged parents’ advocacy being disproportionately rewarded.

          In IFSP and IEP meetings, I always took the position that we were all on the same side, of collaborating to do what’s best for my child. I saved my combative venting for my husband.

          Clearly, I am still upset by that first EI meeting, and aware of how very differently things could have turned out.

          2. misspiggy*

            It might be worth thinking about advocacy work as articulating demand.

            Mid level people in a service will often try to stretch limited resources by reducing quality or accessibility. It’s the role of advocates like you to highlight the needs of individuals who have less voice than others. It’s also important to push for more resources overall, linking up with others to make it clear how many needs are going unmet. That’s often the only way to get future resources expanded.

            If you can support both aims to some extent, you’ll be doing amazing work.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Would you consider admin tasks? Every organization has them not as directly rewarding for you, but still a long-term benefit to the clients.
      Does either group need extra help for group activities or special events? I remember a letter here from a FTE who was expected to attend a staff&residents luncheon on off-hours, knowing she’d have to pitch in because there were always too many needs for staffing levels …and the on-hours staff was going to b e trying to eat AND work.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      I think it’s wise to consider your limitations and discuss them openly when choosing an organization or a role. IME, nonprofits are always shorthanded everywhere and tend to subtly or not-so-subtly steer people toward the most demanding or hardest-to-fill roles first.

      They kind of have to, because many people are nervous about taking things on, and you have to nudge people out of their comfort zones a bit to have a successful organization.

      What worked for me was to stay with the organization that had my heart, but in a less-demanding role.

      I had to be very, very blunt and specific about my limitations in order to find the right role (which was not one they publicly ask for help in).

      So I’d encourage you to discuss it with the volunteer coordinator. Tell them your interest, but also give them the worst-case scenario of how your health & your kids’ health affects your ability and availability.

      A good coordinator wants to put people in roles where they can successfully help the clients long-term, not set you up for failure.

    5. Temperance*

      Rather than doing the specific advocacy work, could you train people or help create materials for others to use? You’d still be helping kids, but in a different way.

      I wouldn’t enjoy working with seniors as much as I do children, but obviously, YMMV.

  65. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone made a home gym for themselves? Something beyond a treadmill or elliptical that sits in the corner?

    My last day at my job was yesterday (company acquisition, I didn’t get a job offer). While it’s sad that so many people had to move on and a 168 year-old company is no longer around, I honestly was more upset about losing access to a company gym; I wasn’t very close with anyone there, even after almost five years, and I’m not all that upset about moving on. It was so convenient to eat lunch at my desk, and then disappear into the gym for at 4 pm for an hour and then go home. Also, it was basically 30 feet away from my office door I was usually the only one in there at that hour.

    My new job starts in two weeks and they don’t have a gym. So, I have a few options: join the Planet Fitness down the road and either go on my lunch hour or after work when it’s really crowded; stay with my current gym, which is about eight miles from home, but will be very crowded after work; workout at home and eliminate the use of weight machines from my routine (trainer has me doing certain exercises, like lateral pull-downs and chest presses); or make a home gym. I could go to the gym before work, but I’m not very effective with an early morning workout. I’ve done it before, and I just don’t feel like I’m at my best.

    I’ve decided I want to make a home gym, which would include weight machines, possible a Smith machine, my treadmill, my elliptical and my dumbbells, kettle bells, etc. My options for a home gym are: convert the shed, which is 15×15 and is attached to the garage; buy one of those DIY storage buildings, which will require buying the shingles, adding a floor, and adding a door and a window if I want one; buy a storage building and have it installed; or my husband builds an addition onto the garage. He needs more storage, so if I take the shed he will either buy a storage building for the lawn/yard equipment, make an addition on the garage, or use the barn. My thought is to convert the shed for the gym. We would need to pull up the current floor and make sure the beams are solid, level it and then put down thicker plywood. We would also need to insulate and add either sheet rock or plywood, since I need to be able to use it year-round, and replace the door.

    Another reason I’m leaning towards a home gym is because I’ve been going to the gym I belong to all week (I wasn’t required to be in the office so had lots of free time!) and I have yet to be able to use the lateral pull-down station–in the middle of a weekday! It drove me nuts! I couldn’t get the utility benches, either. The gym also didn’t have a wall ball. (I know, that’s not a big deal, but it really threw me off since it’s part of my prescribed routine.) I also had to go buy a floor mat since my back can’t handle doing the floor exercises without a lot of cushioning under me.

    So, anyone have any tips for building a home gym? I know I need a strong floor that can hold the weight stacks contained in the machine, and the weight of any other equipment I have. I also need to be able to jump on the floor without issue. The ceiling is high enough, so I’m not worried about that. I also will need some sort of climate control, maybe a heat/AC unit for the window.

  66. The Other Dawn*

    IUD questions.

    I’m thinking of getting one, and if I do, it will be within the next two weeks since i have free time before my new job starts. My doctor asked me about it during my last two annual visits, so I’m thinking it’s time. I’m 44 and she said I really don’t need as many hormones anymore (I use the pill).

    How painful was insertion? How did you feel the rest of the day? Did you have pain after the first day? What are your periods like now? Is removal painful? If it helps, it would be Kyleena.

    1. Melody Pond*

      Insertion was pretty sucky. For that, and the rest of the day, it felt like regular period cramps scaled up in intensity by maybe an order of magnitude or so. They told me I’d really only need a day to recover, but I’m a big baby and in reality wound up taking more like three days.

      I took ibu profen beforehand, and apparently that acts as a blood thinner (was news to me at the time), and so I also bled a whole lot after the insertion.

      I had the copper IUD, so I can’t comment on what Kyleena would be like. On the copper IUD, my periods were pretty heavy, lasting a solid 7-8 days, with maybe 2-3 of those days qualifying as heavy days. I wouldn’t have been able to deal with those periods without menstrual cups, thank god for them.

      My situation was complicated by the fact that I apparently had some degree of endometriosis, so my periods were also quite painful. After having it for about 5 years, I had it removed and had my fallopian tubes removed (which, PSA, apparently reduces risk of ovarian cancer). My periods are lighter now and less painful.

      I do think that the convenience of IUDs as a birth control are definitely outweighed by the insertion pain. If you’re considering a hormonal IUD, I’d guess that you probably also won’t have the heavy period issue.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Oh and removal was kinda sucky also, but it was SUPER quick, and I felt better much quicker than I did with insertion. My strings hadn’t been trimmed at all, but somehow they’d gotten kind pushed up to where I could just barely feel the tip of them poking out of my cervix. My doctor who removed my IUD said she was *just* able to grab onto them, to be able to remove my IUD. I’d guess that removal could be a worse ordeal if your strings got too short/somehow pushed all the way inside your uterus.

        1. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

          It is significantly worse. Mine receded and, like, hid around the corner from the cervix??? They tried to go in there blind a couple times and, uh, “grab around”, and when that failed they then had to do an ultrasound to figure out where it was and go in again. Thankfully, they inserted the new one along with removing the old one, cause I was about ready to faint. I had trouble standing most of the rest of the day but felt a lot better after a good night’s rest.

          My first insertion was… not great but not as bad as the removal. It hurt going in, like a strong and sharp period cramp as I recall (it’s been nearly 10 years since then). Afterward I felt… weak. A bit shaky. I had some cramping for the rest of the day, but was reasonably able to ride it out curled up on the couch with a heating pack and some tea. I’m used to pretty bad cramps though, which is part of why I use the hormonal BC. I didn’t really have any lingering pain or cramps.

          I use the Mirena, and my periods are mostly nonexistent right after insertion, and they graaaaadually return over the several-year-lifespan of the thing (as do my cramps). But they’re still really mild – a small amount of cramping, a couple days of light flow, then done. I don’t know if a non-hormonal IUD would affect menstruation in the same way.

          For me, it’s 100% worth it.

    2. Red Sky*

      The cervical dilation prior to insertion felt like really, really bad cramps and I kinda wanted to puke a little bit, but I got thru it … and then they tell me, surprise!, I have a tilted uterus and can’t actually get an IUD : (

    3. HannahS*

      I don’t have one, but I’ve heard from a doctor that it’s easier to have it inserted while you’re on your period because the cervix is a bit more open.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      Insertion was gross. My md prescribed Ativan so I took it beforehand, but it hadn’t kicked in all the way (she also recommended Advil, which did not help). The good news was it was FAST (less than two minutes; I timed it) and I went out for lunch after. Probably the first six months I had cramps about 2 weeks before my period (Advil helped with that). Periods have become extremely light and much less frequent.

      I was on the pill before and one of the best side effects was acne control; I found my iud doesn’t help with that, so you might notice some changes there. But otherwise, short of getting a tubal, this was the best option for me and I’ve been pretty happy with it.

    5. Lcsa99*

      I had mirena. The insertion really sucked. Like others said it felt like really bad cramps (and the doc had me lay there for a while after cause apparently I was really pale) but it went pretty fast and just ibuprofen was enough for the pain which only lasted that day. Removal was like nothing. I had it done during a normal pelvic exam and didn’t need anything before or after for any pain.

      For the five years I had it in I did not have a period once. And I was used to fairly heavy periods so that was awesome.

    6. ThatGirl*

      I’m on my second Mirena. Insertion sucked both times but the cramps subsided within an hour or so (the worst pain was over within a few seconds of the actual insertion). The first time I had intermittent spotting for a few days, light periods for a couple months, then nothing. Minor spotting after #2. Otherwise felt mostly fine. Removal was not very painful compared with insertion. Overall I’ve loved mine but I do wish they took insertion pain more seriously!

    7. WellRed*

      Mirena here. Also in my 40s. Insertion wasn’t pleasant, but jt was quick and follow up cramping that day was mild. I could have gone to lunch or something. It’s very freeing.

    8. The Other Dawn*

      Kyleena is a soft, flexible IUD, so hopefully that will help with insertion. I have a small supply of Percocet so I’m thinking I could take one about a half hour before the appointment and that would help.

    9. Washi*

      Tbh I think the measuring was worse than the insertion! I apparently have a small uterus and the doctor measured me several times to make sure the Mirena would fit, and having her stick poking my uterus again and again did not feel good. Insertion was easier because it was very intense, but quick and only needed to happen once :) I felt a little crampy and just unsteady for maybe an hour after, and then pretty much fine!

      I’m one of those folks who still has periods, but they are much lighter (I used to have realllly heavy periods) which is a huge relief.

    10. LizB*

      Insertion was very painful (I involuntarily dropped an F-bomb, and I’m usually very good at keeping control of my language) but brief.
      I had pain on the level of super bad cramps the rest of my insertion day — lots of rolling miserably around in bed waiting for the latest dose of Advil to kick in — but the pain was mostly gone by evening and I felt fine the following day.
      I have the copper IUD, so my periods are heavier and crampier than they were when I was on hormonal BC. I knew that would be a side effect when I chose it, though.
      I haven’t had it removed yet, so no data there.

    11. Anona*

      I’ve had a Mirena twice. It was like a painful period cramp for a few minutes for insertion#1. The second time it was barely anything (after having a kid). Both times I took maybe 4 pills of ibuprofen beforehand, per my doctor’s recommendation.

      Both times I spotted for a full month, maybe even a month and a half after insertion. But since then either no period, or a really tiny light one.

      I love that it’s essentially maintenance free.

    12. WS*

      Insertion was very briefly very painful and after a few seconds was at period pain level. Not really bad period pain, just annoying, very localised type of pain for the rest of the day. I could kind of feel the string there for about six weeks but it wasn’t at all painful, just an odd feeling. Having it removed wasn’t painful at all and it took longer to get my pants off than it did to take it out. I would rate the immediate pain at about the same as a bad dental injection, but it was definitely worth it for me.

    13. Luisa*

      I have Mirena, and I love it, but insertion was hell. Apparently I have a very, very narrow cervix, and they couldn’t manage to open it with the tools they had at my GP’s office. This did not stop them from spending 30 minutes trying, though. I ended up needing to go to the ob/gyn department at the hospital, where they had different equipment available, and the insertion was successful. (They also gave me something for the anxiety that I obviously had going into the second attempt.)

      I had a little spotting for 2 days after insertion (I was also on my period then), and have not had a period since. It’s been great. Not one problem since, and I just passed 2 years with it. 10/10 would recommend, even with the terrible first insertion attempt.

    14. Theguvnah*

      I had a mirena and insertion was super easy and not at all painful for me. I realize that is unusual but I share in case it’s helpful.

      It gave me immediate and relentless insomnia though so I got it out a few weeks later. That was also a breeze.

      Now my partner got a vasectomy and life is amazing.

      Good luck!

    15. blackcat*

      Have you ever been pregnant? If you have, even if it did not carry to term, it may be significantly easier to do insertion.

      My first one (at age 22) hurt like a biotch for days. Second one was no big deal, but fell out (!!) two months later. I had copper IUDs, which makes periods worse.

      1. blackcat*

        Oh and having the first one pulled out was no big deal. A student who had never done it before did it.
        CNM: “Just grab on and pull”
        Student: “There’s nothing else to it?”
        CNM: “Nope, just pull.”
        Student: “Uh, okay….”
        Took 2 seconds and popped right out, despite the students’ lack of confidence…

    16. Not All*

      I know a lot of people love them. I am not one of them. For pain comparison on insertion…I fractured my back & removed most of the skin from back/side/leg in a an accident and the IUD insertion made that pain seem like nothing. I was literally writhing in pain for several days afterwards, to the point where I went to ER because I thought it had punctured something or was inserted wrong. It wasn’t & the “fit” was fine. I ended up keeping it for a couple years for assorted other reasons & because they kept telling me it would get better and had heinous cramping for 2-3 weeks out of every month the entire time. Finally had it removed. Screamed during that too but only was sore for a day or so after removal.

      My advice is that if you find the measuring part of insertion very painful, stop the procedure.

    17. Trouble*

      I have a Mirena coil. It’s my second. I had the first one fitted at 33 and that’s been replaced at 38 (this year). I’m childless by choice and married/monogamous so it just made sense for me. Pills also mess with my head. They don’t always like to fit coils to women who’ve not had children as the dilation of your cervix can be rather intense if you’ve never dilated before. If you’ve had children you should find it easier but it was ok even never having had a birth. I was fine. They said to take the rest of the day off work and I didn’t bother first time round. The second time needing to give them time to remove the first and fit the second was a bit worse but not unbearable. The speculum was the worst for me, not the insertion of the IUD.

      With Mirena I don’t bleed monthly at all. Because my second one is still quite new I get some cramps around what would be menstruation and heavier discharge but no period and no sanitary products required. The cramps will settle down about a year into it’s lifespan and I’ll barely know.

      Best decision I ever made for me personally. Not to need to remember pills every day, and they had me on Dianette for 5 years, which is way too long for that BC pill, so I nearly went bald after, it was a bad scene. And no periods is a dream come true! I think I have endo, never diagnosed as they keep acting like because I’m a bit overweight it’s more likely I have IBS like I can’t know where my pain is coming from or tell digestive cramps from menstrual cramps, but the Mirena Coil would be one of the main recommendations for endo in the UK anyway so I guess I’m getting the best outcome I can without pushing for laparoscopy.

    18. Anon for TMI*

      I tried getting an IUD about a year ago. I was 45 at the time and have had a child. I opted for a copper coil one – no hormones. It seemed like a great option. Long term and no hormones.

      The insertion was fine. My Dr had me take something beforehand- I think it was an anti-inflammatory/pain reliever and/muscle relaxer. Anyway, it was a tiny bit of pressure then done.

      The problem with my first period. The bleeding was as bad as miscarriage of had a few years ago. Soaking through a pad every 10 mins and passing hand-sized clots. I had to go to the ER, where they confirmed the placement was correct then gave me a prescription for tablets to help with clotting (which carried a risk of blood clot/stroke). The ER doc told me heavier periods were a side effect of a coil. But there’s heavier periods and then There’s what I had.

      My Dr said that it was likely my next period would have been better but there were no guarantees. I declined not to wait and see because I was going to be traveling a lot for my job and couldn’t risk random scary periods.

  67. Secret confession*

    My husband has what might be hemorrhoids or something worse. I’m scared but more so upset at the fact that he won’t go to the dr because he doesn’t have insurance. I am angry that he refused to get it. We could very well afford it too but he refused (I have it for myself through my job). we had such a fight that I let it go. Now I am frustrated annoyed and upset. And I feel like a piece of shit for being upset.

    1. WellRed*

      Don’t feel that way. If he did actually have a serious health problem, that was worsened by neglecting to seek treatment, that impacts your life. God forbid he needs expensive, bankuptcy worthy care. Meanwhile, youre scared and upset. He’s being an all around dick, frankly.

      1. valentine*

        You’re absolutely right to be upset. You need him insured as a condition of your marriage; it’s his duty as one of the adults responsible for taking care of the family.

        Look into hospital financial aid and, if you qualify, see if it’s something he can apply to every x months, to stay covered until he’s insured.

        1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

          As usual you’re being so OVER THE TOP. A condition of the marriage? You aren’t in this marriage, step the heck back on that kind of nonsensical trash. How absolutely absurd. It’s NOT NORMAL at ALL to start tossing out conditions which means “if you don’t, we get a divorce.” Right because threatening divorce and strong arming your partner about their medical treatments is totally healthy.

          1. fposte*

            You’re going a little pot/kettle/black there, TMBL. I’d really rather posts not get called nonsensical trash.

        2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

          It’s not that he needs to be insured for his health, it’s that his lack of insurance jeopardizes her financial well-being. Medical care without insurance is hideously expensive: what if he was in an accident, found unconscious, and taken to the hospital, where he racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical bills before he even came to and could discuss what care he was willing to pay for? It’s negligent to leave your spouse open to bankruptcy because you’re being shortsighted.

    2. Nicole76*

      I hope you can convince him that his health is more important than money. Also, perhaps there’s an immediate care facility he can go to? I noticed the one is my area has very reasonable rates for the uninsured (including x-rays and such, not just minor things).

    3. fposte*

      FWIW, if we’re talking visible blood, another possibility are anal fissures–no fun, but not life-threatening, either.

      1. KayEss*

        Also IIRC, if it’s bright red blood, it’s usually not serious. (Though it looks scary!) If it’s dark, old-looking blood that indicates a possible big problem, because it’s coming from further up in the tubes.

    4. misspiggy*

      Taking into account the comments on bleeding below, would the best thing be to try over the counter haemorrhoid treatment and see if it works?

      And tackle the insurance issue later/separately? It might seem like this health problem could motivate him to change his mind, but he might be more likely to double down rather than admit he’s wrong.

      Do you think he’s so scared of doctors that he’s using health insurance as an excuse? That might be something to work on in counselling.

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        Does he know for sure it’s hemorrhoids?

        I supposedly had those at age 39. Blown off by my GP and OB/GYN. My bleeding wasn’t horrific or unusual looking.

        I went to a gastroenterologist for another issue, and HE got concerned. One colonoscopy later and four very sketchy polyps later (the gastro doc said the polyps would have morphed into colon cancer), my bleeding stopped.

        It could be insurance. I’m guessing he’s scared. Because it’s dealing with “butt stuff” and all the “butt stuff” testing is invasive and “gross”.

        $400 for two office visits (my insurance doesn’t cover office visits), and $1000 deductible/copay (forgot how that broke down) for no colon cancer equals PRICELESS.

        You can remind your husband no action is still an action. And his choices affect you. You’d rather be on the beach with him, than an infusion center. If it’s a fissure or a hemorrhoid, YAY! Move on with your lives. If its 4 sketchy polyps waiting to raise hell. YAY! They get removed and you get another scope done (X) amount of years down the road.

        I hate doctors and I hate medical tests. Had that gastro doc not pushed for a colonoscopy, who knows if I’d be here. You have ever right to be furious. His no decision will dictate how your life plays out too.

    5. Epsilon Delta*

      If he is motivated by the financial aspect, could you frame it as, “it will definitly cost you $X to go the doctor and get it looked at. If you ignore it, it could cost $Y in emergency treatment or treatment for a way more serious condition.” Where $X is probably a few hundred dollars and $Y is thousands of dollars.

      And yes, his refusal to get it looked at is upsetting and you don’t need to feel bad for feeling that way!

    6. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Honestly, I bet he is refusing because he doesn’t want his butt checked. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous but many men have issues with being in such a vulnerable state, even though they’re doing so with a medical professional!

      You shouldn’t feel bad about being upset, you have every right to be. When you love someone, you worry about them, it’s by default. You are married to the man, he’s absolutely your most important person, that’s your partner.

      He’s falling back on the price instead of being vulnerable to you to say that he just doesn’t want to be put in that situation and he’s viewing it as not a big deal.

      The internet is full of scary medical diagnosis. We are driven to believe any red back there and it’s probably the end of the world. It’s really not. It’s just the broad scope of medical advice in the interest in erring on the side of caution and also driving people to seek out help instead of self diagnosing!

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Another point of anec-data for your side… if you ignore “just hemorrhoids” sometimes they can get really bad. I know someone who required surgery and FMLA leave because recovery time was spent on his stomach.

  68. Anonon*

    Probably not the ideal place to ask this but any advice welcome…
    I’ve been with my partner for ~3 years and we own a house together and also work for the same company (met at work). We talked about the possibility of children early on, but in a pretty hypothetical way – though I got the impression then he was pretty positive about the idea. Now for various reasons my partner is coming to the conclusion that he probably doesn’t want children. He doesn’t generally find children cute and is mostly thinking about the whole ‘not really having any time for hobbies/yourself’ thing – which I can see cos we both have stressful jobs and can sometimes already feel like that without introducing children into the mix. I, on the other hand, feel fairly strongly that if I never even try for children I will be missing out on a big thing.. it’s not like I’ve built my life around it and if it didn’t work out, I’d be sad, but ok… but I guess because I come from a big family I associate special occasions etc with having lots of family there and tbh I can’t imagine getting to 50/60 and not having children (and you know, it it works out, grandchildren!)

    We’ve had some ‘serious conversations’ about this recently but haven’t decided what to do. I’m coming down on the side of ‘let’s stay together and see if we feel differently in 5/10 years time’ in the knowledge that a) either one of us might feel differently or if not b) breaking up then wouldn’t be necessarily any worse than breaking up now. (I’m not particularly fussed if I children I have aren’t biologically mine). But he thinks (somewhat reasonably) we might just be storing ourselves up pain in the future.

    Any advice from someone who’s had different views on kids to their partner – did it work out? Did it not?

    (Breaking up would be grim because other than this we’re happy together and have intertwined lives and finances! But I guess it has to be an option :()

    2. Not A Manager*

      I personally think this is worth talking through with a therapist for a few sessions. People on here can give you practical advice, but a lot of this is about feelings – what they are, why you have them, how strongly you feel them, etc.

      I tend to agree with him that just kicking the can down the road isn’t the best solution. Not that you need to make final decisions now, but I think it’s good for you to really think through “what if he really continues not to want kids, and I really continue to want kids, and that doesn’t change?”

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Yeah, five years seems an awful long time to waste with “Let’s see if we feel differently then.” Obviously, each couple needs to decide what’s best for them, but I’ve generally found the having kids / not having kids thing to be a dealbreaker for most people.

    3. Ali G*

      I don’t want to be a debbie downer, but people rarely change their minds about these things. I guess there is a possibility that if you were more financially secure and could have help, etc. he might change his mind, but I’m skeptical.
      I think you need to take him at his word and decide if it is something you can live with or not.

    4. Approval is optional*

      I’d suggest working through your (plural) thoughts and feelings with an objective outsider such as a counsellor. I come down on his ‘side’, in that if a break up is inevitable it’s best to do it now rather than later, but you need to make sure it’s inevitable first.

    5. Kj*

      Honestly, if you want kids, I’d be very concerned you will be resentful if you are not with someone who wants them. And not to be be mean, but adopting is a tough road in so many ways and it is not nearly as simple/easy as people make out. Having the option to have bio kids may be more important than you realize. I think y’all should go to couples counseling and talk this through. My husband and I were both on the fence about kids, but ended up both wanting them and now we have a baby. I do not know if we would have survived coming down on different sides of that fence. Maybe you can survive this as a couple, but I think it could be touch and go. This is not something you can compromise on and time is a favor here.

    6. Grandma Mazur*

      People don’t always change their minds but it may be worth finding out if there are unspoken reasons for not wanting to become a parent. Now-husband and I actually discussed children on our first in-person date (I was living in the US at the time and had flown back to the UK for a conference, prior to that we’d only chatted online) and both agreed that we didn’t want kids, which I amended about 30 minutes later to “actually, I think for me I might one day – wouldn’t want to give the impression that I’m 100% certain I don’t”. 9 years later and we are parents of 2 under-2s. I realised I did want children about 5 years ago and it then transpired that he didn’t think he could ever be a good parent (plus also he really needs his sleep). But we worked on (by which I mean discussed) his fears about parenting (spoiler: it turns out – unsurprisingly to me – that he is really good at it!) and he came around to the idea. So for me it was worth doing what you’ve suggested – waiting and revisiting. But I would caution against waiting too long – we had two years of miscarriages before getting pregnant and I worried about declining fertility the longer it went on.

      1. London Calling*

        It seems from your first para that the assumption is that wanting children is the default position and that the person who doesn’t has to justify that. Wouldn’t it be just as reasonable to ask partner who does want children their unpsoken reasons are for that?

        1. Grandma Mazur*

          I just meant the stated reasons for wanting or not wanting kids might not be the whole story. If someone declared they wanted children and it was seemingly to try to shore up a rocky marriage (but they hadn’t said that aloud to their partner), it couldd similarly be worth the partner exploring if there are underlying reasons. (Does that make sense? Not sure I’ve explained myself very well…)

    7. The New Wanderer*

      Personally, if I had gotten serious with someone who didn’t want kids, I might have agreed since I didn’t have strong opinions about having (biological, though I was always open to adopting) kids myself. I have more than one relative who took this path and they continued on to marriage.

      However, I got serious with someone who definitely wanted (biological only) kids and I was on board with that as well. It would not have been a dealbreaker if either of us turned out to have fertility issues, but it was a deliberate goal that we worked toward for multiple years and now have two kids.

      I think truly being on the fence means you’ll be okay either way. And it’s okay to spend some years being relatively selfish about your time and money by prioritizing fun hobbies and free time over the idea of having children. But if ultimately you’re wanting to see if things change in the next few years, and the only change possible is from not wanting to wanting kids, I think that’s your answer. Breaking up 5 or so years down the road could be harder (lives are more entwined, more relationship inertia) or easier (loss of affection, diverging goals and interests), but procreation will definitely be harder. If you believe that you will want kids, you should not wait to make that call.

    8. Sc@rlettNZ*

      I’ve always been firmly in the ‘no kids ever’ camp and for me it was absolutely a deal breaker – I’ve only ever been seriously involved with one guy who wanted kids and that’s only because we were very young when we were going out with each other. As I got older I wouldn’t even date someone who wanted kids as I didn’t see the point.

      You could wait and see if your partner changes his mind – he might, or he might not. I think that you need to decide what you really want and then take it from there. Breaking up is going to suck whenever you do it but if you are sure that you want to have children, then doing it sooner rather than later would be best. Unfortunately when it comes to reproduction, time isn’t on the side of women.

    9. Hold My Cosmo*

      As someone who has always been firmly childfree, my interpretation of your stated desire for children is that it seems very steeped in family tradition and memories, rather than the active desire to actually create and mold a person. Are you comfortable trying to mentally separate that background baggage from the idea of parenthood, in order to give yourself another angle to consider? Do you feel excitement at the idea of all of the difficult AND enjoyable parts of raising a child, or is your emotion more of a hazy holiday card? Special occasions are of course meaningful and important, but there will be a hell of a lot of mundane days to grind out in between them.

      I have watched many people struggle with this (since CFers are relatively uncommon, and we try to seek each other out). The people who are on the fence usually end up succumbing to the wishes of the other partner.

      Realize that if you do decide that kids are a must for you, it will be incredibly hurtful for your husband. You will essentially be telling him that theoretical people, who don’t yet exist, matter to you more than he does. Please be gentle with him.

      1. valentine*

        You will essentially be telling him that theoretical people, who don’t yet exist, matter to you more than he does.
        Way harsh, Tai. Anonon gets to have a vision of family that includes theoretical people and for that to be just as important as her choice of husband.

        Anonon, if you haven’t already, come to terms about what you will do if you become pregnant while you’re delaying a decision about how long to stay married.

        There’s a commenter here whose marriage broke up over this. I don’t remember the descriptive name she used. I believe she emerged to a good place.

        1. Hold My Cosmo*

          I never said she didn’t have the right to her own “vision of family”. Interesting that you felt the need to turn a plea to treat someone gently into an attack on her life choices.

          1. L’il Sebastian*

            It WAS an attack on her life choices. You know all the things annoying people say to childfree people about why they should possibly reconsider? You are being the childfree version of that right now.

            1. zyx*

              Interesting, I didn’t read Hold My Cosmo’s response as an attack on anyone’s choices. I think HMC was just trying to help Anonon prepare for what their husband might feel. And I agree, the husband will likely feel hurt that Anonon would rather have hypothetical children without him than no children with him.

              His (possible) feelings don’t invalidate Anonon’s feelings or right to pursue the life she wants.

      2. Anonon*

        We’ve kind of already had that conversation, in that he got upset at the idea that he ‘wasn’t enough’ and I said it’s not really anything to do with the relationship, if I feel I want kids then no-one would be enough.

        And yeah I didn’t put every detail into the post but I’m not just thinking of happy perfect family gatherings (and hey, my family is absolutely not perfect so it’s not like I would even expect that to be perfect either). I’m also not at the stage where I desperately want kids *now* – my feelings about it are more that I think I’ll have massive regret if I never try.

        1. The Rat Catcher*

          You spoke of at least the possibility of wanting children from the get go and no one gets to make you feel badly about that now. If your partner has decided they don’t want kids, then maybe the relationship has run its course, but guilting you into a resolution isn’t likely to work out well for anyone.

        2. Lilysparrow*

          The “not enough” argument is very problematic, and I hope he gets his head on straight about it.

          Nobody’s partner is ever “enough” to replace the need for other family and close relationships. The relationship one has with your children is entirely different than your relationship with a partner. It’s not competition any more than your relationship with your best friend or your siblings is competition.

          But if a SO got upset and wanted you to cut off other relationships to prove they were “enough”?

          That’s a big, big problem.

          Anyone who wants exclusive claim to all the love in your life (not just romantic commitment) is not being their best self.

          1. Anonon*

            Yea, maybe I wasn’t clear above but we talked about this one again in hindsight and he agrees it’s not a reasonable pov I think he was just upset in the moment.

            1. Anonon*

              And to be honest part of this is about my desire to build a family unit – neither of us are massively close to our families, nor do we live close. I think I could be more accepting of the idea of not having kids if I were able to still have family gatherings/be involved as an aunt/whatever. Like I want kids but what I really want is a family unit and I find it difficult to feel that way about just us as a couple (no disrespect meant to anyone who feels that way!)

            2. LilySparrow*

              Yes, it’s a very understandable reaction. Feelings aren’t rational, they just are. But I’m glad he was able to move past it.

    10. AcademiaNut*

      Would you stay with him after your five-ten years if he decided that he definitely didn’t want kids? In other words, would you be okay and non-resentful about the fact that sticking with him meant no kids? If so, then stay together, and accept that you may never even try for kids.

      Would you be willing to be a single parent, after using a sperm donor or adopting an older child? If so, then you could stay with him for now, but prioritize your career and financial stability, so that you could afford being a single parent after paying for IVF or adoption. Then you could leave him when you decided you want to have kids, and not have to worry about finding a partner.

      If you would resent him for not having kids, and want to have kids with a partner, then break up now. You’re in your late twenties. Ten years from now if you decide that you definitely want kids and break up, you’re going to be old enough that age related fertility issues may be a problem for biological kids, even without factoring in finding a partner and getting to the point where you are ready to have kids. And adopting as a single person may be harder than as a couple (and still takes time).

      1. Anonon*

        I guess I’m kinda thinking of the option in your second paragraph, where if I still feel strongly about it at mid 30s/40 I could adopt as a single parent (and if I work in the same career path until then it’s reasonably likely I’d be financially stable enough to do so).

        That would be hard on both of us still so definitely not the ideal solution. I guess because I know he’s gone from like 50% yes/50% no in a few years to 10% yes/90% no, there’s a part of me that’s (stupidly?) hopeful it might swing back the other way in another couple of years, if priorities change again. A bunch of his friends have kids and have all spoken positively about it but I think he’s basically convinced himself they’re all lying to themselves.. because admitting you regret having kids once you’ve got a kid isn’t really a done thing.

        1. Consuela Schlepkiss*

          Why do you not take his reticence as seriously as you take your own desire to have kids? I am seeing little evidence here that you are honestly taking his feelings that seriously, and honestly that is a problem in itself. Have you asked him how he would feel if you decided to stick with him for another 5-10 years and then leave when you felt ready to have a kid? Do you or he think that option is a kind one?

          1. Anonon*

            I think this is really cruel of you to say to be honest. I take his reticence to have kids very seriously, we’re both thinking and talking about why we feel how we do and seeing if we can come to a conclusion that doesn’t involve breaking up. I have spent time thinking about how I would feel if I never try for kids. I don’t see why I cant perfectly respect his opinion and still have a part of me that hopes it might change.

            W.r.t the 5-10 year thing – no obviously it would not be ideal if we revisit this down the line and still don’t agree, but I guess I’m a bit of a realist and I think in any relationship it’s possible that over that sort of timeframe things might change, he might not want to be with *me* for any number of other reasons by then. So I guess I don’t see it as really any more of a ‘risk’ than any relationship is.

        2. Washi*

          Honestly, this further information makes it even less likely to me that he will change his mind. I was someone who did change my mind (my husband was on the fence) but…I was 19 when I thought I would never want to have kids. My husband, like many dudes, had just never really thought about it properly until his early twenties. Now we both want kids and are working towards making that happen.

          But you and your partner are in your late twenties, he’s thought about it, he has friends with kids, and as he’s gotten more information, he’s increasingly moving to a solid no. Those aren’t great odds, and I personally would find it really hard psychologically to stay with my partner another 5-10 years with both of us hoping the other would change our minds.

        3. NewMom*

          So… I was like your partner.

          And I had a kid anyway because it was what he wanted. I thought I could make myself want it.

          Now it’s more charged since I was the one to get pregnant, have my body permanently damaged, etc, for a child I didn’t totally want.

          This has been the biggest mistake of my life. I’m in therapy working really hard to make sure my kid doesn’t grow up negatively impacted by having a mom who would be far, far happier if he never existed.

          Do not encourage someone who is “meh” on having kids to do so.

          1. Anonon*

            I would never want to have kids with someone who isn’t keen on it. If we did ever end up doing so it would have to be with both of us 100% on board.

    11. Quandong*

      In my relationships to have or not to have children was a big deal. I strongly encourage you to seek counselling as you come to grips with it. If your partner won’t go to counselling with you, go on your own. Waiting for 5 years (or more!) to see if you feel differently will have far more drastic consequences for you than for your partner, if you do decide to try to become a parent.

      When I was married I wanted children, but I wasn’t able to have them biologically – this was discovered more than 12 months after we started trying to conceive, in my 30s. My ex wanted to be a father but did not want to foster or adopt. That’s not the main reason we divorced, but if other issues had not caused our break up, this certainly would have.

      Later on I was in relationships with men who already had children and were ambivalent about more, especially since this would entail surrogacy, fostering or adopting. When the cost and time frame was made clear, the dudes were certain they didn’t want more kids. If any of those relationships had worked out, I would have been content to be a step-parent.

      It’s important to have a partner who is in alignment with your wishes and level of interest and commitment to having children, in whatever way. Having been in relationships where there was a mismatch, I can tell you firsthand it added great strain.

      In addition to counselling, I think it would be wise to research what fostering and adoption entails in your country. Join some groups and ask a lot of questions. And do some research into fertility treatment too – if you are with a different partner, or single, and want a biological child, this may come into play (I sincerely hope not, but it’s a possibility).

      1. Anonon*

        Thanks everyone. I will suggest couples counselling I think though I’m not sure if he’ll want to.

        I’m just really reluctant to give up on our life together :(. I’ve been also doing some thinking about whether I could manage without having kids and it’s difficult because I think if I found out one or both of us had fertility issues I would cope with that. (Like I would consider adoption but it wouldn’t be a ‘I have to do this to be happy’ thing). This is obviously different though. (I’m also hoping fertility is somewhat genetic as my mum had 5 kids with the first mid 30s and the last well into her 40s so I might be lucky and have a bit more time still regardless).

        I’m rambling now but thanks for giving me more to think about, even if the general impression is that breaking up might be the ‘solution’.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I have just one more thought.
          A decision NOT to have kids is one thing, but parallel decisions need to be made, such as “what will we do with our lives?”
          See, kids are an easy to identify common goal. Both people want kids, hey, there’s a shared goal right off the bat.

          If you don’t have kids together what other goals interest you as a couple? Shared goals is important for couples. And these goals do not have be elaborate or take the rest of your lives. A house and dog can be a shared goal. Both of you completing degrees can be a shared goal.

          I’d like to throw out the idea that it’s important to know where you are going. If you are not going to parenthood then where else would you like to go?
          Goals are important for individuals, it is part of good health. Likewise, goals are good for relationships it helps to keep the relationship alive and healthy.
          Deciding NOT to do something is really not a goal. Thus, my suggestion of penciling out where you would like to go in life as a couple.
          It could be that the two of you build a plan that causes your concerns here to be lessened in some manner. Or it could be that this exercise gets him to thinking about what a future with no kids would actually look like. Hopefully, no matter which way it goes, talking about the specifics of creating your future together turns into a productive conversation with concrete resolutions to do X or Y or Z or maybe all three.

          1. zyx*

            Oh, I love this! Thank you for articulating something I’ve been on the edges of for years—I’m sure that I don’t want to have children, but it’s so helpful to reframe that in terms of what I *do* want instead.

    12. Not All*

      I’ve always been openly and adamantly childless by choice. I also keep my mouth shut about what friends tell me in confidence. This means I’m the recipient of a LOT of confidences from friends who bitterly regret having children. Most are sticking it out but admit that they will probably never look at their partners the same way after being either talked into or tricked into having kids. (The tricking was done by men sabotaging birth control, not the women incidentally.) A couple ended up getting a divorce. One goes through the motions but spends every waking moment possible working so they don’t have to be around the kids or the kid-obsessed spouse. Every one of them if it comes up in public will talk about how much they love their kids.

      Even for people who aren’t sure, remember you don’t get to shop for a dream kid. There are always reasonable odds your kid will have special needs of some type. Or not sleep the first year. Or be a great toddler and turn into a nightmare in high school. Both parents need to be totally on board with that real possibility.

      When both parents aren’t happy, it’s the kids who pay as much as the miserable parent.

    13. LilySparrow*

      Another question is, if you feel strongly that having kids is something you don’t want to miss out on, are you really going to be able to set this aside for 5 years and not have it affect your relationship in the day-to-day?

      I mean, is having this open question – “Will he change his mind? Will I change my mind?” going to hang around in your conscious or subconscious, looking for any sign of an answer, or putting other things on hold until you decide? Is it going to affect choices about your career, your housing, your money, your health?

      Personally, this is the sort of fundamental disagreement I would not be able to ignore or put in “the vault” for years. It would become an elephant in the room whether I wanted it to be or not.

      Everyone doesn’t want to have kids, and people who don’t want them shouldn’t have them. Knowing your own mind and living consistently with it is a very positive thing!

      But wanting kids is also a normal and positive thing that has very strong biological, emotional, and social drives behind it. Those drives/desires aren’t good or bad, they just exist. They are real and there’s no reason why you have to justify, defend, or overanalyze them. You can’t talk yourself out of wanting kids anymore than you can talk someone else into wanting them.

  69. Rebecca*

    Gaa – second post – Law of Unintended Consequences! So I decided to vacuum under my bed. I thought, I can just shove it to the side and then move it over a bit from the other side, easy peasy…ummmm….no. I somehow disconnected part of the metal frame, CLUNK!!, so I had to dismantle all of it, fix the frame, and put my bed back together. Upshot, I found 3 stuffed mice the cats stashed under there, and everything is cleaner! Tired but glad that’s over.

  70. SehrAnon*

    I have an acquaintance who says they don’t have enough to eat and are only eating once a day, but I don’t feel comfortable or feel that it would be OK to give them money (rough living situation where people take things sometimes, and they’re very overweight). I don’t want what I give to be taken away, or trigger or fund a binge.

    What would you get someone that is healthy ish and filling? I think I will figure out what their kitchen situation is like and do a grocery run.

    1. Thursday Nex*

      I think the best thing to do would be to separate out your friend’s pragmatic needs from any kind of judgment on their choices. Figuring out what kind of storage and preparation their kitchen could reasonably accommodate, and how best to protect food from roommates seem to be the top priorities.

      In terms of filling & healthy, there’s a reason so many cultures rely on some combinations of beans/lentils and rice! Canned beans, baked beans, chili—these are easy to make and store and fill you up. Maybe some single-serving, microwaveable rice—brown rice is more filling. Whole Foods has nice shelf-stable brown/wild rice packages that go right into the microwave.

    2. Alex*

      Can you get them some frozen meals? If their living situation is chaotic it might be difficult to prepare really healthy meals.

      If I felt someone was in a bad situation, I might get them 5 or 6 frozen meals, some canned soups, oatmeal packets or healthy cereal, a bunch of bananas and a bag of apples, and some salad kits.

    3. Penguin*

      Maybe a meal subscription service for x weeks? Or a one-time delivery of assorted frozen food, like different cuts of meat.

    4. Quandong*

      Have they asked you for help with food? If so, did they say what they need?

      My advice is to not make assumptions about what suits your acquaintance, but to find out from them before you start to shop or make food orders. They may prefer something like a cash card so they have the option of eating out if it’s not safe for them to prepare and keep food at home.

      Your acquaintance knows their situation best, and what they prefer may not align with your values. What you would bring to a friend who is recovering from being ill may be completely different from what this person needs.

      Finally – please don’t add judgement about their weight when considering how to help. Would you even consider this if they were straight-size or underweight? A lot of people living with food insecurity are overweight. They don’t need extra pressure to ‘eat healthy’ or ‘lose a few kilos’ on top of the strain of not having enough to eat.

      1. KayEss*

        This. Don’t help them at all if you can’t do it without judgement or demanding input on their choices. Not if you want to stay friends for long.

        The idea that someone overweight simply doesn’t know how to eat healthy is incredibly insulting. Your friend knows what healthy food is. They know how to use the internet. If changing their eating habits is a viable option, they absolutely know where to find information to do so. There are A BILLION articles out there on how to “eat healthy” on a shoestring budget, and it usually means beans and rice. Trust me, us fatties ALREADY KNOW. You are not bestowing wisdom from thin person heaven onto our benighted souls, you’re being obnoxious as hell.

    5. WS*

      ASK THEM!

      You have made a number of unpleasant and unsupported judgements here – if I was in a living situation where people took my things, I’d be “binge” eating too, otherwise I might not have any food at all – and if you really want to support them, you should ask them what they want and need.

    6. Koala dreams*

      Do you have a kitchen yourself? Why not invite your friend to cooking evenings at your place? You can take turns deciding the recipe and buy the ingredients, and you can send your friend home with the leftovers if you cook more than what you two can eat.

    7. Lilysparrow*

      A grocery store gift card. The impulse to help is kind, but infantilizing them isnt helpful.

      Your acquaintance is a grown-up and in charge of their own weight and eating choices.

  71. dawbs*

    So mr. Dawbs and I are taking a very budget trip to Chicago. What should we be sure to see? Eat? Go? Whatever?

    1. ThatGirl*

      Where are you staying? What’s your general budget? What time of year? There are many great restaurants and museums.

      Here

      2. dawbs*

        Air bnb in Lincoln park, for 3 dayz
        I have astc membership that gets us into museum of sci & industry, field museum, and Adler planetarium.
        We’re trying to keep entertainment at within $50ish a day. And food…probably 1 or 3meal out per day and we’ll diy @the bnb the rest

        1. Sara(h)*

          If you make it to the Museum of Sci & Industry (aka the “Sci I”), make sure to see the Coal Mine exhibit and Submarine! Even if you don’t think you are interested in these, you will love them. I dragged a friend to the submarine and she couldn’t believe how fascinating it was. I repeat, if you go to the Sci I, do not miss the coal mine exhibit or the submarine! And if you can buy express tickets to the coal mine, it is worth the splurge to not spend your limited time standing in line.

        2. Aurora Leigh*

          Museum of Science and Industry is awesome! It is so fun and not dry at all. Field Museum has great dinosaur skeletons. Shedd Aquarium is must see as well if you can squeeze it in!

        3. ThatGirl*

          In the spring/summer, the parks and lakefront are beautiful. The Architecture Foundation boat tour is highly recommended. Lincoln Park Zoo is free and cool. But this time of year I’d stick to indoor stuff.

          Many great restaurants. I recommend getting Garret Popcorn, a Chicago hot dog, and a jibarito. Deep dish is tasty but it’s a gut bomb.

    2. HannahS*

      The zoo in Lincoln Park is incredible, and free. I splurged for an architecture boat tour, but I’m sure there are free walking tour guides on the internet that would be interesting, although I do think the boat tour was worth it. Millenium Park (where the Bean is) is lovely. The art gallery is AMAZING. It’s worth it even if you’re neutral on art. I found deep dish pizza worth trying but ultimately disappointing.
      I didn’t find it a great city to wander about; I found that the areas with neat stores to poke around in closed fairly early. I missed most of the museums and wish I’d spent more of my time there, instead.

      1. San Juan Worm*

        Check out the Chicago Cultural Center near Millennium Park for free exhibits, concerts and (sometimes) lectures or classes. It’s in a gorgeous building! For a splurge, I second the architecture boat tour. Chicago’s a city of neighborhoods and festivals, so definitely check out the festival schedules (for example, Lincoln Square has a great May Fest and Octoberfest). Lillstreet Art Gallery (Montrose stop on the El) has a nice exhibit space of local art and excellent pie at First Slice Cafe.

      2. Sara(h)*

        The only areas that close early are downtown, because they mostly cater to the business crowd, since not many people actually live downtown. The shops in all the other neighborhoods area are typically open until 8 or 9pm.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      I am absolutely not a Chicago expert, but the last time I visited, I really liked the architecture boat tour, the Art Institute of Chicago (museum), and Eggy’s Diner.

    4. Sara(h)*

      I am from Chicago but have moved away, and when I visit my top food priority is the best banh mi EVER, from Nhu Lan Bakery — the lemongrass tofu sandwich is award-winning, and even my meat-eating friends get the lemongrass tofu (it is dehydrated then marinated and not recognizable as tofu). Nhu Lan will be out of your way/off the beaten path, but it’s worth it, and also it’s on the brown line El (Rockwell stop) only one stop past Western Ave, which is the gateway to Lincoln Square, my fave neighborhood.
      So, first take the brown line El around the “Loop” — it stays elevated and wraps around buildings and just gives you amazing views of downtown Chicago. Then you can head north to Lincoln Square (Western Ave stop) — so many cool shops and cafes up and down Lincoln Ave btwn Wilson and Lawrence. This is the real Chicago, a good way to branch out of the downtown area.
      For museums, the Art Institute is amazing, as good as it gets for world class art museums, and my other fave museum is Science and Industry but that’s not an easy one to get to without a car. If you like theatre (as in dramas with depth and emotion, not broadway style musicals), check out the Steppenwolf (any production) … their “20 for 20” tickets are an easy way to get $20 tickets to any of their plays — look up the details on their website. They also have half-price rush tickets.
      If you want specify what kind of food or activities you prefer, I will try to check back and make more recommendations. Oh, and go to Cafe Iberico for tapas!

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If youre an athletic type, rent a bike and give yourself an architectural tour. Or a ride up& down the lake.
      If you play chess, you may want to bring a bag of chessmen because the lakefront park has tables with built-in boards.
      Bring coins to make a plastic molded submarine at the museum of science & industry, the machine looks like a jukebox.
      Look for events at the park…I once lucked out and happened to be there for Taste of Chicago and saw an old favorite performer for almost free.

    6. Lady Jay*

      There are these little chain restaurants called Rotis–basically the Chipotle of Mediterranean food. They’re delicious & budget-friendly; I recommend the falafel. (Also, you can’t really find them outside of Chicago, so a trip there is a great chance to try one out!)

      1. Samsoo*

        Just FYI, Roti is also very common in DC now. But all the rest that you stated is absolutely on point!!

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      “Wait wait don’t tell me” records with a live studio audience in Chicago. I wonder how hard it is to get tickets.
      (On the Internet you don’t wake anyone up if you remember something in the mi of the night! )

  72. Swims with Goldfish*

    So speaking of Engagement Rings, my sister just broke off her engagement. Apparently her ex – fiancee proposed in public (common theme today) and she agreed because she didn’t want to embarass him. She has spent the last year and a half alternately trying on her new identity, (hoping for her bf’s sake the idea of marriage would grow on her,) and desperately trying to find a painless way to end it.

    She finally decided to break it off a few weeks ago (a month after signing a new lease with him, of course) and he is devastated.

    None of this is ideal of course, but here is the thing that I have never heard of: he wants her to pay him back for the ring. Says now that they are not getting married, she “owes” him the money for time wasted, and the broken promise, etc.

    I told her before she does, she needs to have the ring appraised to make sure it is worth, and could recover, the 3k he wants from her. (Actually, I told her he gets the ring back, and it is his problem what happens to it after.)

    I think he is counting on her guilty conscience to get what he wants. She wants desperately not to be the “bad guy” and to “stay friends” with him because “doing the mature thing” is important to her. She has already given him most of the furniture (that she paid for) and agreed to stay on the lease (even though she is moving out) so he doesn’t have to downgrade to a less expensive place. (I don’t agree with this – and hope it doesn’t come back to bite her later.)

    I just want to know, has paying your ex -fiancee for your ring really become a thing? I may or may not advise her further, (she would ignore King Solomon’s advice if it was inconvenient), I just hope she rethinks giving in to his demands – or at least this particular demand.

    Am I the only one who thinks this is strange?

    1. OyHiOh*

      When I broke an engagement, I had the ring appraised, then shipped it back to the ex with appropriate insurance on the package. To me, that seemed like more of the right thing to do than keeping the ring or paying for part or full value of it.

      1. Swims with Goldfish*

        I think that is the best thing to do honestly, that way he would have a harder time saying he never got it back from her, and she would know if it was even worth the money he was asking for it.

        That said, it isn’t within his rights to require money in lieu of the ring is it?

        I didn’t think he had a choice, as in, could refuse to accept the ring but demand cash, or does he?

      2. The New Wanderer*

        The ring is a gift. Therefore she does not have to pay him back and can keep it, turn it into earrings or a pendant or whatever. Asking her to pay for it is punitive, not etiquette. (Sometimes couples split the cost of a ring AFTER they have mutually decided to get married. A cold proposal with a ring she had no input on re: cost or style = gift.)

        However, it might be a kindness to return it so he can recoup some of the cost (I believe diamond rings in particular are worse than cars in retaining value after they are initially sold). Totally up to her.

        1. Swims with Goldfish*

          Ordinarily I would agree with you. It is not like she can ask for, and get any of the gifts she got him back.

          After trying to research the issue though, it would seem a few States view an engagement ring as a “Conditional Gift.” Apparently in such a State he has the right to get the ring back, or if she sold it, the right to the proceeds.

          Of course a comprehensive list of such States, I was not able to locate.

          I obviously don’t want my sister to get dragged into court, or be forced to shell out the price of the ring, or tricked into something else because she didn’t know her legal rights and obligations.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Yes, but why doesn’t she just give the ring back and consider it solved? (Typically if she’s the one who broke off the engagement, she’d return the ring, and that’s definitely the formal etiquette.)

            1. Swims with Goldfish*

              From what I understand, he doesn’t want to take it back.

              He wants her to keep the ring but give him what he paid for it, because that is only fair now that they aren’t getting married.

              While I am fairly certain giving the ring back satisfies any legal claim he may have (he doesn’t get to ask for depreciation I don’t think), my sister really wants to feel like she did the right thing.

              I’m trying to tell her what he wants isn’t it.

              1. Swims with Goldfish*

                Also to be clear, I am not advocating she keep the ring… in case that was how it sounded above.

                I personally would give back an engagement ring if I decided not to get married, even if I was legally entitled to keep it.

                Unless the guy owed me money and I agreed to accept the ring as payment, he would get it back.

              2. valentine*

                what he wants isn’t it.
                This is the key to everything! He;s extorting her all over the place, starting with the full-court pressure of the public proposal.

                People have sued each other over rings, dresses, and nonrefundable fees. She should return it insured with adult signature required.

                Your sister’s being extremely self-sacrificing here (agreed because manipulation/triangulating, required painless exit) and it could devastate her and her financial future. Maybe a counselor could help her see she doesn’t owe him and help her develop a better sense of self-worth.

              3. Marthooh*

                Every single etiquette maven ever would say give the ring back. None of them would say you must keep the ring but pay him for it. If BF wants to punish her, he can try suing for breach of promise.

              4. blackcat*

                I’m sure he couldn’t get back even 1/2 what he spent on it. That’s why he doesn’t want it back.

                He sounds like he’s trying to milk her for as much money as possible.

                If she’s still on the lease, I would frankly return the ring to the apartment when he’s not home, take a picture of the ring + note with a date/time stamp sitting some place obvious in the apartment, then email herself the picture as a record of having returned it to him.

                1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                  Except that what’s to stop this glorious specimen of humanity from claiming that, after she took the picture, she must have just picked the ring back up and taken it with her.

              5. Ask a Manager* Post author

                It doesn’t matter what he wants. She just needs to return the ring, thereby satisfying both etiquette and any law that might be in play. The end.

                He could also decide to ask her for $10K for every year they were together, or a strand of her hair to remember her by, or custody over her future child. He can ask for anything he wants, no matter how ridiculous. That incurs zero obligation on her part to give it to him.

                Return the ring, get proof she did, consider it closed.

              6. JamieS*

                I know this is easier said than done but if your sister puts a lot of stock in your advice I’d recommend telling her that trying to perserve the relationship is fruitless since it’s already damaged and he’s making no effort to fix it. Not that he needs to since being besties with your ex isn’t super common.

                As for the ring, she should just return it and consider the matter settled. Any obligation she feels beyond that doesn’t actually exist and would be the result of her desire to stay on good terms with him which as I said is fruitless at this point.

                Don’t let her get screwed over by her own guilt if you can prevent it. If she doesn’t want to follow your advice then unfortunately I think the only thing you can do is step away and let her make her own mistakes.

            2. The Other Dawn*

              I agree with this. She needs to just give the ring back. It doesn’t matter if that’s not what he wants. Do what someone else mentioned above: get it appraised and ship it back with insurance on the package and require signed delivery. She’d have proof that it was sent back.

        2. Anonymous Educator*

          While she may or may not be within her legal or official etiquette rights to keep the ring, I don’t really see why she would, especially since she didn’t really want to be engaged to begin with. There is really no benefit to her to keep the ring. Yes, it’s ridiculous that he feels he should get money for it. But it’s definitely the cleanest and best thing to do to just return the ring to him, not because she owes him that but mainly because why would she want to keep the ring?

          1. TechWorker*

            Read up – she doesn’t want to, her ex-fiancée wants her to keep it and is asking for money instead of it back.

            1. Anonymous Educator*

              I did read up. I don’t see anything from Swims with Goldfish that says she wants to keep the ring. Sounds as if he doesn’t want it back, but to quote Swims with Goldfish what he wants isn’t it.

              1. TechWorker*

                Sorry I misread your post! (It could have been coming from the POV of thinking she did want to keep it and not pay anything and being like ‘what’s wrong with her?’)

            2. London Calling*

              The more I think about that the sneakier it is. He probably reckons that if pays him for the ring she’s the sort of person to keep it in some form or other rather than just get rid and there he is – a perpetual reminder in her life. This is ALL about punishment for daring to break away.

        3. Thursday Next*

          I believe the etiquette is that the person breaking the engagement relinquishes rights to the ring. In this case, Sister broke it off, so she should return the ring if Miss Manners is to be satisfied.

          Miss Manners does not require compensation for the purchase price of the ring. That’s banana crackers.

        4. Trouble*

          Typically not true. An engagement ring is a contract, an offer of a ring for a marriage. If the marriage doesn’t happen, he gets the ring back. If they get married, ownership transfers to her. So, he gets the ring back. Not the money. And she doesn’t get to keep it as she took it as part of an offer of marriage and decided she doesn’t want the marriage after all. That happens and better she decides it now than after the wedding, but the ring giver absolutely retains ownership of the ring in this situation. Just give it back and let him move on. He doesn’t get to ask for the money instead. It’s not like it was up to her what ring or how much he spent. He made those decisions in good faith but in good faith she gives him the ring back. I don’t know who wouldn’t find it weird to wear an engagement ring given to you by someone you broke up with.

    2. dawbs*

      He’s being a jerk and taking advantage. It’s not a thing.

      HE decided to buy this, without her input, right? Then he can decide how to handle selling it without her input

    3. HannahS*

      I think it’s strange. I do think it’s gracious to give the ring back, as she accepted it as a symbol of their engagement, but she shouldn’t be expected to pay him for it. Buying a ring is like buying a car–it depreciates rapidly once it’s not new. The ring is not going to be sold for what he paid.

      1. Swims with Goldfish*

        “Buying a ring is like buying a car–it depreciates rapidly once it’s not new. The ring is not going to be sold for what he paid.”

        I think he knows that, and I think that is why he is trying to get her to pay him what he paid for it. The fact that he is telling her “You owe me…”

        I don’t put this past him.

        1. London Calling*

          My ten penn’orth
          1. Ship the ring back to him via courier with a gracious letter apologising that she couldn’t go through with it.
          2. She sounds like she has had a very lucky escape and that her asshole filters are in full working order. This man sounds abusive. Public proposal? (that makes it all about him and pressures her to accept?) taking the furniture and letting her cushion him financially? if nothing worse, money is this guy’s god. If she pays him for the ring he’ll be whining about something else she owes him for.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Ironically if she’d said no, he could have gotten 100% back on s next-day return. :(

    4. KayEss*

      I’d be a lot more concerned about her staying on his lease. I don’t know the actual financial legalities involved, but remaining financially entangled with someone under these circumstances is… really not a great idea. What happens to her credit if he just stops paying the rent? “Oh, he would never do that”… he’s already treating her like an adversary, not a friend. It’s kind of her to want to make a financial gesture of good faith, since presumably he made a decision about leasing the apartment under the assumption that the two of them would be living there long term, but she’s WAY overdoing it.

      She can give the ring back to him. Since the proposal was a surprise, I can’t imagine the ring was some kind of custom job she had a lot of input on, so or that she pressured him to spend more than he could afford on it. He’s being tacky and she already did the mature thing by breaking things off when it would be a breakup instead of a divorce.

      2. Swims with Goldfish*

        Yeah I agree that her continuing to be on the lease is a bad idea, she said she
        had no choice but to renew because she had no place to go at the time, and the apartments wouldn’t do a month to month agreement.

        I am not sure what she can do about it now. I don’t know if the apartments will let her off without a significant penalty (that she can’t afford) or if she is just stuck with the situation.

        The ring thing just seemed more of a clear cut issue. I want her to sever all ties and walk away, but she thinks the nice thing to do is to try and help. I wish I knew who is advising her that “staying friends” is “the mature thing.”

        She had the right to end it; he has the right to move on.

        1. KayEss*

          I don’t really know anything about the legalities involved in breaking a lease, especially since it depends a ton on location and the terms of the lease itself, but if I were in her position I’d be looking into whether there was a way to financially separate from the ex on the lease. Like even if she’s just gonna pay her share of the rent for the next 11 months or whatever, I’d want it spelled out that she’s not inhabiting the property, and is not responsible for anything more than that monthly payment. I’d also see if it was possible to pay it separately from the ex, rather than giving him her share and he makes one payment. Or just get off the lease and pay her agreed share to him every month.

          (This is all assuming that she’s not going to continue LIVING in the apartment with him long-term. If she’s planning to do that indefinitely… well, I hate to say it, but she’ll learn her lesson on what a bad idea that is soon enough.)

          Ultimately, he’s probably not going to do anything nefarious with the lease that would affect her financially, since it would be hard to do much damage without shooting himself in the foot as well… but the whole situation makes me itchy. Sorry you have to observe it from up close. :(

          1. Quandong*

            I agree with this. In the long run, it may be better for your sister to pay to break the lease than to be at the mercy of her ex. She needs to know more about this before deciding what to do about the ring. What if she can cover the cost of breaking the lease by selling the ring herself? This would be an elegant solution and ex would have no hold over her.

            1. Swims with Goldfish*

              I hope it can be at least as simple as that.
              I hope the landlord lets her off the lease since she won’t be living there.
              I hope she settles the ring thing without incuring legal liability, so even if they do “stay friends” it is on even footing, not on his terms.

              Let’s hope.

            2. Anonymous Educator*

              I would break the lease, pay the financial penalty for doing so, and then rent an Airbnb for a month until I figured out where to live permanently. It sucks. It’s going to take a financial toll on her in the short term, but it will be the cleanest break from him in the long term, which will be for the best.

              1. Swims with Goldfish*

                Luckily she has a place now, she just didn’t at the time of the lease renewal. The timing of everything was less than ideal.

              2. Swims with Goldfish*

                Some reason, of all the people we know, I am the only one who thinks this a “clean break” might be a good idea.

                Glad I am not the only one in the world.

                1. Chi chan*

                  I hope the guy doesn’t know her new address. He sounds manipulative and dangerous. She should give the ring back, break the lease and tell him not to contact her again in a written communication.

    5. Melody Pond*

      So, granted, maybe I’ve just read this whole thread too quickly and missed these details – but there are a few things I’m not clear on. What exactly has your sister done/what is she planning to do, with the ring physically? Does she still have it? Was she already intending to return it? Is her ex-fiance demanding *both* that she return the ring and pay him for it? Or is he only demanding that she pay him for the ring, given that she still keeps the ring?

      1. Swims with Goldfish*

        Long story short, he isn’t happy just to get the ring back, she must keep the ring but compensate him what he paid for it. So far, it’s the only thing he will consider fair.

        1. London Calling*

          What a grasping mean spirited individual he sounds. Perhaps she should have the ring valued and pay him what it’s worth now – didn’t someone upthread say jewellery depreciates? Or perhaps she should just shrug and say ‘Sue me.’ What he considers ‘fair’ isn’t the view the law will agree with, and given that this man seems to be ruled by money he might be unwilling to take this further if he has to shell out for legal advice.

          Congratulate her from me on a VERY lucky escape.

          1. London Calling*

            Sorry, that should be ‘what he considers fair isn’t necessarily a view the law will agree with.’

            Why does she want to remain friends with him? does she think that will placate him, or something? because he sounds unpleasant with the potential to be more so. Sorry to say it but your sister sounds like a bit of a people pleaser and if that’s the case down the line she might cave in and do something she regrets with this one – like agree to resume the engagement.

        2. Anonymous Educator*

          I don’t think it really matters if it’s what he considers fair. She should send the ring back and break the lease, especially now that she has already found a new place. He can complain it isn’t fair, but we all know it is, so she (with a clean conscience) can leave this jerk.

        3. Melody Pond*

          So he *wants* her to keep the ring, but then he also wants her to pay him for it? Pffft, no. I’m going to echo what everyone else has already said – she should just follow traditional etiquette, and return the ring to him. She’s not the bad guy by doing so – he’s the one who’s out of order with this ridiculous demand. It sounds to me like he’s intentionally trying to inflict financial difficulty/strain on her, and that’s mean-spirited and malicious. He’s allowed to be unhappy about it – that doesn’t mean he gets to make outrageous demands.

          Also – given what we’re seeing about his character and how he almost seems to be acting vengeful with this ring compensation thing… I also 100% echo everyone else who’s said she should break the lease with him. He does not sound to me like he will be trustworthy in his motives and actions with regard to her financial integrity.

    6. only acting normal*

      Give him the ring not money.
      Break the lease.
      The mature thing to do is be firm and clear about things and not get into any emotionally charged arguments.
      She doesn’t get to decide they are “staying friends”, because that takes two and it doesn’t sound like he is up for it.

    8. Washi*

      I completely agree with the other folks – it’s pretty clear that she should just send back the ring and consider that issue resolved. He doesn’t have some kind of right to extort money from her just because he’s hurt.

      But also for your sake, I will note that this situation sounds like it has the potential to drive you absolutely bonkers. Your sister sounds like she’s feeling guilty and also has a people-pleasing streak, so you’re probably going to give her all this great advice and she may completely ignore it and bend over backwards for her ex because she just wants to stop feeling so guilty. Maybe you already know this, but supporting your sister doesn’t have to mean going through endless circular arguments with her. You can say your piece, then not engage with the topic and support her in other ways.

      (Source: my friend breaking things off with an emotionally abusive ex and then watching him continue to manipulate her from afar for YEARS. I continued to support her, but I had to limit the amount of “but he’s so saaaad” that I listened to from her.)

      1. London Calling*

        Abusers – and that’s what this man is – really don’t like their victims getting away. By continuing to make demands on her about the ring and the furniture and the apartment he’s ensuring that one way or another he remains in her life and she can’t make a clean break

    9. Koala dreams*

      No, you are not the only one that thinks this is strange. You might want to suggest to your sister that she finds a lawyer to discuss all of this with, instead of discussing it with you. Sometimes when you disagree about things, it’s better to just let it go and discuss more neutral topics. If she refuses to let it go, you might need to end the call or go away and do something else. Think of it as setting boundaries to ensure a continued good relationship with your sister.

      Just for you information, here in Sweden the typical way of doing things is as follows:
      The ring belongs to the person who got the ring, and it’s considered a gift, to do whatever she wants with. If you are super traditional, both parties have rings, the women an engagement ring and the man an engagement ring that is later re-used as the wedding ring. Typically the woman’s ring cost more, but the man wouldn’t be without ring even after breaking up. It would be super strange to have to buy the ring from the ex, such as your sister is contemplating. Both parties keeps the furniture they brought into the relationship. The furniture that was bought for their home is shared equally between them. Whoever keeps the apartment takes over the lease in their name. If there are problems with the landlord, you need to involve the tenant’s association. If it’s an owned home, one party buys out the other party (this can get super complicated and take a lot of time!). If there are children involved, it’s possible that the main caretaker will get more than their share because of the children.

    10. Alex*

      She should return the ring. It isn’t her responsibility to sell it for whatever he paid for it–he can sell it or return it or whatever. Of course he doesn’t want it back–he wanted to get married!–but he doesn’t get to demand reimbursement.

    11. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      So his response to her breaking up the engagement was to lash out in petty abusive absurd requests!? My my my…I’m so grateful that your sister decided not to marry this dunce!

      It’s a power play now and he’s still making her his victim by demanding she stay on the lease. Oh no, he may need to downsize. Of course he needs to downsize, there’s one person now, not two. He doesn’t need a home for two anymore. Jeez.

      The right thing to do is to take care of herself. To love herself. To know she’s worth so much more and that she’s got to cut all ties to this guy, he’s not willing to let it be amicable, he’s acting as though they were already married. You don’t need to split your assets or transition out of new housing, you’ve been engaged a year, dude!

      I hope she seeks some therapy to dust herself off from this ordeal, she deserves better and can really dig into why she feels that giving in to this cowards demands will be the ‘right thing’? She didn’t do anything wrong by breaking up with him, the right thing was to do so before the marriage.

      He has a chip on his shoulder now. He will default on that lease, I see the writing on the wall. My best friend’s first husband did something similar because of his power plays and desire to harm her financially in the end. She just had her wages garnished after almost a decade because of stuff that he defaulted on. It can take awhile before credit is damaged and sometimes you only really realize what’s happened when you go to buy a home one day or try to put in an application on another lease.

      It’s not just strange, it’s dangerous.

      1. Mom3*

        He’s trying to punish her. He probably has a good idea how tough all these financial demands are on her.

        As far as the “friend’s” thing – this isn’t something a friend would do – squeeze every penny and more out of you.

        Give the ring back. Do not pay for it. Get off the lease – at best he’ll probably trash the place.

        1. London Calling*

          Who in the name of whatever would want to be friends with someone who treats you like he’s doing?

      2. Swims with Goldfish*

        I agree she needs to get off the lease, but she thinks management is going to impose a penalty, so she won’t pursue it. I guess he is already moving into a smaller place on the property that he can afford on his own, so she has decided to trust him for now while she waits it out.

        I don’t like that she is in this situation obviously, and I am trying to give some counsel – but I have to be careful. If I start bashing him too much, or sound like I am judging her, I won’t hear from her for the next 6 months.

        I am already taking a big risk; this thread would scandalize her, and I’m kinda counting on the fact that neither one seems to bother with advice columns.

    12. Asenath*

      Paying for an engagement ring after a breakup is a new idea to me, but returning it is perfectly normal. I think ex-fiance is quite within his rights to get the ring back – not money in lieu, unless she loves the ring and wants to buy it from him, although I can’t imagine why she would. A memento of a failed engagement??

      The other stuff – she’d better be careful in separating their finances. It sounds like they were living together, and in some locations that could really cause problems in splitting their assets – almost as much as doing so after a divorce. She shouldn’t be allowing emotion to sway her into an unfair division of assets and debts.

    13. Someone Else*

      This is strange. My understanding is she gives the ring back. It’s then on him to do with it what he wishes. He purchased it. It was a gift. She returns it. It belongs to him. I get that he’s probably hurting but it’s very poor form to ask for cash.

  73. SAS*

    This book recommendation sounds right up my alley. At the moment, I’m reading way outside my usual habits with Alison’s previously recommended Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day. I LOVE IT!! So utterly charming and fun I have a constant smile on my face!

  74. Electric Sheep*

    My sister and I are strongly considering a vacation to Hawaii this year in late July/early August for two weeks. We’re looking at Maui and Oahu. We are Australian. Tips, suggestions for things to do or things we should know? Any useful resources or guides people have to share?

    Extra details that may or may not be relevant: I’d love to stay in a fancy resort but looking at prices it would be outside our budget for two weeks. We’re both keen to snorkel. I have back issues that means I can’t sit down for long and have to be mindful not to put sudden stress on my body (no skydiving lol), which does limit some options (eg ideally I’d be able to get places by bus or walking, with only about 30-45 minutes sitting in a car if unavoidable.)

    1. Swims with Goldfish*

      Mau’i bus offers an all day pass for $4, and has an easy to ride and understand schedule, however you often have to plan your trip more at night so you don’t miss the last connection.

      Some of the hotels offer a “free” shuttle with a range of so many miles, included in the Resort Fee… which reminds me, expect a daily fee from most hotels in addition to what you are paying for the room. Should be in the disclosure.

      Other hotels don’t have transportation from the airport at all, and you will have to arrange the cab, bus, private shuttle, etc. yourself. (Depending on the amount of luggage and location of the hotel, the bus may not be an option.) Private Shuttles charge a flat rate per person, and it may or may not be cheaper than an uber/lyft.

      If you don’t need a flash rig to drive, there are a few independent car rentals on Maui that can be less expensive than
      the rental franchises. Make sure you have the proper insurance before renting with them though.

      There is only one option to get from O’ahu to Mau’i: fly. Some people are surprised there is no Ferry and that there is really only one Interisland airline, Hawaiian. Unless you charter a boat or plane, that is your only real option.

      As you are from Oz, beware talking to anyone at the travel booths on the street, they are not free. You can often get a similar discount they are offering through your hotel concierge or picking up the brochures and calling the activities directly. Once you are here, pick up a few of the coupon books. There are many discounts to be had.

      I also suggest signing up for “Budget Travel” digital mag (think it is still free). Not long ago they were offering hotel vouchers for the Fairmont for a few hundred dollars off the rack rate; they always seem to have some Hawaii bargain. Also “Maui No Ka ‘Oi” has digital copies for sale. That is an all Maui magazine.

      If you can get your hands on a copy of “Snorkel Maui” by Judy and Mel Malinowski it is a great resource.

      Also if you are going to a Luau, book when you arrive – they sell out days in advance. Same with any must do activities.

      Last but not least read up on tipping etiquette. I say that because I don’t even know all the rules in Hawaii, and I’d hate for you to be taken advantage of (leaving a tip when a gratuity was included in the price.)

      Good luck!

    2. Book Lover*

      If it is an option, find a place with a kitchen. You can find yourself a less expensive hotel and then get sticker shock from the cost of going out to eat. Buying groceries is still pricey but far better than restaurants.
      Speed limits are pretty low so it takes a while to get anywhere, but there are always lookout spots to stop and enjoy.

    3. Erika22*

      We went to Maui a couple years ago and it’s the vacation we think about every time we want to get away. We stayed in an Airbnb at Paki Maui for a few nights before moving to a different part of the island and honestly I wish we had stayed there for the whole week. It’s right next to Honokowai beach park which is just a little green space/beach park that was mostly locals. There were sea turtles and fish and it was just such an amazing location.

      For snorkeling, I highly recommend just renting some equipment (or even buying as it’s cheap) and going to a beach known to have sea life. We did a boat to the crater to go snorkeling and though it was cool it wasn’t necessarily worth the money and drive.

      As you say you can’t sit for long periods I wouldn’t recommend the road to Hana. You’re meant to stop every 30 mins to see something but all the sitting (and stress of driving that narrow road) is wearing. But if you do some research and want to give it a go, I think the experience is worth it overall (or at least being able to say you survived afterwards is!)

      Food is so easy in Hawaii. We regularly just bought poke at the grocery store and it was great – we’d just take it to the beach and have a picnic. Nothing fancy. Also it’s so nice to just buy a pineapple and eat it! Our favorite place to eat was right across from our Airbnb called the Fish Market. They sell fresh fish and seafood to cook but also the most incredible fish sandwiches and other things.

      Overall I don’t think you can go wrong with any of the islands. I’m so jealous of your trip!

  75. The New Wanderer*

    Just a quick brag – I got a recent clothes order delivered and didn’t really like two of the items but saw some potential. One was a fit and flare dress with these odd, poorly inserted sleeves that really limited my arm motion. Like, lifting my arms above shoulder height or reaching forward would shift the entire dress. Since I don’t tend to stand like a mannikin all day long, I cut the constricting arms off, hemmed the armholes, and now have a great sleeveless dress. And the tunic length shirt was boxy and generally shapeless but *such* a soft material and a good color – I cut off the bottom 8 or so inches, hemmed it, and it’s a cute little comfy sweatshirt style top that hits about mid hip.

    I swear I buy about 50% of things these days expecting to completely modify them before I can wear them, but it’s kind of fun – it’s my main creative outlet these days.

    1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      So cool that you can “see” the potential in garments AND make it happen… that’s a talent. Do you do it with thrift store things? Or just “improving” the RTW?

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Thanks! It’s still a bit trial and error, for sure. I usually buy stuff on clearance, some thrift store things, and some clothing swap items that no one else wants or are obviously a few seasons past being popular styles. I figure if I mess it up, there’s always textile recycling! But if I don’t try, I will definitely never wear the thing.

        I’m totally self-taught and I’m finally at the stage where my modifications aren’t obvious home jobs. Most of what I’m doing, I pick up from crafting blogs like “how to make boot cut legs into skinny jeans” and altering waistbands or adding shirring to improve fit. I’ve made clothing from scratch but found it’s less frustrating (and much faster!) to alter RTW because I can leave most of the seams untouched and the end result is overall better looking.

        There’s a learning curve but if anyone’s considering it, I think it’s worth it!

    2. Thursday Next*

      Sewing is an amazing skill. I have a friend who bought a machine and taught herself from YouTube videos, and I’m tempted to do the same.

    3. Swims with Goldfish*

      I get to modify 50% of my clothes out of necessity… it is definitely better when it is for fun!

      Also it is fun to repurpose. My cousin saved money for College turning old blue jeans into purses and selling them at the flea market. Don’t know why I never thought of it…

  76. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

    It’s time for me to start mattress shopping, and I am flat-out dreading the actual commitment to buy a big slab of stuff to sleep on. Does anyone have advice on how to make the process smoother?

    My specific concerns are that as someone who is significantly overweight and a side sleeper, I tend to put a lot of stress on a mattress, and even a 90- or 120-day trial period isn’t going to tell me whether it’ll stand up in the long term. My last new mattress wound up saggy and awful after about 6 years, which seems like an awfully short time for such an expensive purchase.

    Currently I’m sleeping on a rock-hard mattress that I bought secondhand from a friend, and rotating memory foam toppers (4-5 inches of foam, replacing it every 8-10 months) to make it bearable, but I’m sick of this slow bleed and actually want to buy something that’ll be suitable for me. But everything I’ve seen recommended for heavier people is only available online, which adds a whole other dimension of uncertainty. How am I going to know if this thing is actually any good for me, and how long it’ll last? Reviews often don’t seem to touch on longevity at all.

    1. Lilith*

      Love my Tempurpedic. It’s not top of the line– there are different levels within each size. Anyway, ours was a bit higher than mid range IIRC & it’s a queen. The set cost about $3k 5 years ago. It has a 20 year warranty that is not a full warranty. I can ‘t remember what it’s called. The set really stunk when it first arrived. Had to air it out for a month with books between the mattress and box spring& Windows open with fans on. But I love it. It’s a hammock type mattress’–it wraps around you.

      1. KR*

        Also love my tempurpedic. It used to be my dad’s before it was mine – he has two herniated discs in his lower back that are inoperable and cannot be fixed. He’s in a lot of pain a lot of the time. (For your information so you can see if this info is relevant to you.) He liked it so much but found that by morning because the mattress heated up he had sunk in it and had a hard time getting out of bed (which is why it’s now mine :) !! ). I love it specifically for that reason – after an hour or so I am even more cozy and warm because it’s retaining my heat. My husband also likes it. it’s also very soft though when it’s cold it takes a couple minutes for the mattress to soften. It must be ten years old at this point and it’s still like a new mattress. It must have been very expensive though. We got it second hand almost new from a friend who’s elderly parent died.

    2. Amber Rose*

      The lifespan of a mattress is around 7-10 years, so honestly sounds like your mattress lasted a reasonable-ish amount of time. Foam can only do so much.

      I LOVE my solid memory foam mattress. It’s always the springs that go and stab me in the back, or collapse in the middle.

    3. fposte*

      To be honest, I don’t know if mattresses are a long-term purchase any more. Currently I’m seeing latex mattresses as the top of the longevity list at 8-12 years. I suspect that firmer latex lasts the longest and as a side sleeper you’d likely want medium firmness rather than max firmness, so I wouldn’t necessarily count on the 12 years even with latex. It’s really frustrating.

      One thing you might consider is trying a mattress factory that makes their own. Mine offered a “comfort adjustment” for free within a year–they’d make it softer or harder–and had other customizable options (I didn’t want a pillowtop, for instance, and they might have specific recommendations for a side sleeper who wears out mattresses fast); they’re a lot likelier to work with you over a longer duration than yer basic Presidents Day Sale Madness strip mall place. They’re not cheap compared to the foam mail order folks, but they can be as good or better than the strip mall places (the one I went to would match prices if asked). I still really like my latex hybrid mattress after a couple of years and I believe they’ll still tune it up for me for $100 or so down the line if I feel like it’s getting squished.

      Good luck. I really wish it were easier. They’re huge, unwieldy, and expensive; it seems really unfair that they’re short-lived as well.

    4. Melody Pond*

      I second fposte’s thoughts on natural latex mattresses and their durability. Unfortunately, if you’re familiar with Adam Ruins Everything, he has a rather discouraging episode on the mattress industry and how, basically… the options for places to buy them, all suck, and there aren’t really any good options.

      What I’d like to do (someday, when I don’t have a Murphy bed that’s so impacted by the weight of the mattress I’m using) is basically build my own customizable latex mattress out of stacked latex mattress toppers. There’s a company on Amazon that sells them, in firmnesses varying from soft, to medium, to firm, in mattress sizes ranging from twin to king (including California Kings), in thicknesses ranging from 1 inch to 3 inches thick. They’re on Prime, so if you have Prime, they arrive pretty quickly and with free shipping.

      You can experiment with the different layers and tweak pieces of your mattress individually until you’ve got exactly what you want – and then there are good sized, thin mattress covers on Amazon that you can use to encase all of them in something dust- and water-proof. Granted, I think the size/weight makes them very hard to return, so you’d still want to *try* to get the combinations right on the first go – but if money isn’t too much of a concern, you can always give away a layer that isn’t working for you, and then buy the next layer individually. Also, another thing to note is that the latex topper layers can be hard to wrangle into some mattress covers, so it’s best to do all this setting up with a friend who’s available to help.

      I’ll reply with links to the product pages I’m talking about.

    5. WS*

      I am very fat and got a mattress custom made by a local mattress maker. It was no more expensive than any other good-quality mattress, and they reinforced it around the edges. I turn it either 180 degrees or flip it over every month. It’s been 5 years and it’s still in perfect condition. The mattress makers said that a good mattress will last 10-12 years, 15 at the outside.

      The other thing that they recommended was that, since I was using a bedframe, to support the bedframe underneath in the centre so that the frame and mattress don’t sag. I got some pine blocks cut to size, wedged them in place, and just vacuum around them. The only downside is that the cat has learned that he can hide in between them when I want to take him to the vet, and I have great trouble poking him out with a broom.

        1. fposte*

          I found mine by googling “mattress factories [state]” (I’d do [major city] if I were near one). You could also try “mattress manufacturers.” There are a surprising number out there.

    6. ThatGirl*

      Did you rotate your mattress? It’s a bit of a pain but helps with longevity. I agree that 7-10 years is a fairly standard mattress life (which is why paying it off for 5 years kinda sucks).

    7. Jersey's mom*

      You may want to take a look at the mattress underground dot com to get more info about what’s out there before actually going to a shop

    8. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Late to the party. At one point, DH and I weighed 650# together. So any mattress was not long-lived. 5 years is not a bad length of time. (And warning, for one, we had a pillow top and you can’t flip – can only rotate it ).
      He insisted his last round on a sleep number – I don’t like it (and we did not get the bottom of the line). I am a side sleeper, and the hips are going, and I found I needed the softness of my memory foam. It runs hot in the summer, but I’m in the Bay area, and there aren’t that many unbearable days.
      I will go natural latex when this one goes.
      YMMV. I am intrigued by the local mattress maker idea. Frankly, they can’t be that much more expensive than the Chattham and Wells (which in retrospect, was seriously overpriced). And at least I’d be supporting a local business.

  77. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

    I know its late, but it’s been a very busy day.
    Rant ahead warning:
    Family member moved in a bit of time ago. The world revolved over this person BEFORE getting ALL the invisible diseases, so you can imagine what its like now.
    I have no choice.
    I just want to say that I am rethinking all those books (I’m looking at you Harry & Jane!) where the family member that took in the ‘poor relation’ is the bad guy.
    ‘Cause ef that bs.
    You are a rude effing hypocrite.
    Aaaarrrggghhhhhh!

    1. Thursday Next*

      Well, Wuthering Heights provides a different model…:)

      Sorry you’re in this situation. It’s very good of you to take in a difficult family member.

      1. valentine*

        You do have a choice. You are choosing to stay and to let them stay. Kick them out or fly and be free.

        1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

          Well sure, I suppose that I /could/ be the type of person that is willing to throw a sick person onto the street, I doubt they’d live long…
          Nope, can’t do that.
          sigh. I’m just very frustrated with the whole situation.

          1. Beatrice*

            They would figure something out.

            My family member like this sighs and vaguebooks about how tragedy shows you who your real friends were and how it’s sad that some people are only interested in being around for the good times and abandon you as soon as times get hard. If you’re the sucker helping her, she’ll tell you how you’re her only *real* friend, and all those terrible people she thought were her friends before betrayed her, but of course you’re not like that, you’re the only real friend she has left and she’s so lucky to have you to lean on. All those “terrible people” are actually people who tried to help her and gave up when they realized she was just using them. Those “real friends/tough times” stories and inspirational images are the ones I give serious side-eye to, now.

            I cut her out. I’m a “terrible person” now. She tells stories about me and how sad and disappointed I make her, to the people she’s currently emotionally draining. I hated that idea at first, and I held on WAY too long because of it. Now I don’t care, I’m free, I can’t control her anyway, never could, and her path is littered with other people like me who know the real score. My only regret is that I tried for as long as I did.

  78. Amber Rose*

    It’s been a long day. *sigh*

    In my ongoing adventures with my back, I finally got in to my preferred physiotherapist! He did not stick me in a too small hospital gown, tell me to do neck stretches and then burn the shit out of my back. Instead he really dug into my muscles and then explained that my right ribcage has become misaligned. Turns out your ribs connect to your spine and if they go wonky, it’s your back that feels it.

    Fingers crossed that my back never goes out again with his help.

    Also towards that, I have purchased a new office chair. The arms have cracked off mine and the legs are wonky and I’ve been tolerating it. But no more! That said… wtf, chairs are so expensive?! Yeesh.

    1. Thursday Next*

      Glad to hear you’re with your preferred provider now!

      Office chairs are so obscenely priced. I bought one a couple of years ago that must have “fallen off a truck”; it was priced at 1/3 of what I’d seen it at anywhere else. I got lucky.

      Good luck with your back—hope your issues are resolved soon.

  79. Wulfgar*

    I just watched Kitbull, a Pixar short, on YouTube. It’s wonderful/happy/sad all at the same time. If you have cats, pit bulls, a deep hatred of dog fighting, or just a tender heart (I have all of these things) you should check out the video. Have tissues nearby.

    2. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      I cried. I so love that kitty! And I wanted the people who had the dog first to die.

  80. colostomy bag*

    Sorry if this is gross – A friend of mine now has a colostomy bag after emergency surgery in the Fall. Sometimes when I see her though the smell of poop is very, very strong. I am not sure if this is normal and if I were to bring it up, how can I do it in a kind way? This whole surgery and the time it’s taking her to be back to normal (and it being winter doesn’t help) has already been really hard for her so I don’t want to add to her distress.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve know two people who had colostomy bags–MIL had one temporarily and a cousin had one due to colon cancer caught too late–and I never noticed any smell at all. As to whether it’s normal for there to be a smell, I don’t know. It’s possible the bag is full and she doesn’t notice, or maybe there’s a leak. As far as mentioning it to her, I unfortunately have no advice there. I guess it depends on the relationship and the comfort level between the two of you. Maybe you could just mention that you notice a smell and wanted to make sure she’s checked to make sure the bag is secure.

    2. Ginger Sheep*

      Not at all a specialist, juste a data point. My husband’s grand-father had a colostomy bag, and I never noticed a poop smell. He did smell, actually, a rather strong old-person smell, but I always believed it was totally unrelated to the bag. (Though the colostomy etc possibly had made it more difficult for him to wash?) In any case, no poop smell.

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I worked in a medical clinic for years and we had several patients with colostomy bags. Sometimes they smell, and that’s just the unfortunate reality of that kind of device. There’s no reason to embarrass your friend by bringing it up since there’s really nothing she can do about it.

    4. fposte*

      What I think you can do is to encourage your friend to find an ostomates group in person or online for support. If they tell her about filters and deodorizers that she didn’t already know about, great. If they don’t, that’s still a valuable source of information and support for somebody going through a big bodily change.

      1. Bike lover*

        I second this. My uncle has a colostomy bag. He is a very private introvert but he was talked into joining an oath group. He found it so helpful that now he acts as a leader and mentor for other newbies.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Maybe ask her if she would like you to let her know if you can smell her ostomy output.

      She may be having trouble getting a good seal. If so, consulting with a wound/ostomy nurse (yes, this is a real specialty) could help her.

  81. The Other Dawn*

    What are your best strategies and tips for overhauling your diet?

    My job ended Friday and I start the new one on 03/11. I’ve been eating really bad for over a year. For me, eating is something I do when I’m bored, unhappy, or procrastinating. Since the sale of the bank was announced in June, it’s been worse. Mostly because the volume of work had significantly declined, and there was nothing new coming along to challenge me. And these last couple months have been really bad. In fact, I was told I didn’t even need to show up anymore, just be available via email or to log in from home if the acquiring bank had a question or needed something.

    Anyway, I have two full weeks to make a fresh start with my eating habits. I know I’ll be very busy at the new job, so I’m no longer concerned about wandering to the kitchen multiple times per day to see what’s in the cold case I can buy (I did that A LOT at work in the last few months). I find that having things I can grab easily are key for me, whether that means buying things already prepped (pre-cut veggies) or doing the prep myself ahead of time. I also have a VERY bad habit of impulse buying crap food when I go grocery shopping, saying to myself that I’ll eat it in moderation. Nope, never happens. I scarf it pretty quickly. I know I could do grocery delivery, and I’ve loved doing it in the past, but part of the reason I actually like to shop in a store is because it keeps me moving, which helps keep my back pain more under control.

    If it matters, my diet should be high protein/low carb. I’m post-gastric bypass so I try to stay away from pasta and bread, as well as most fruits because I’m now sensitive to sugar (I can handle about 15 grams in one serving).

    1. Washi*

      I’ve had the most luck with making sure that the healthy food I’m offering myself is also actually tasty. Which sounds obvious, but when I’m at the store I’m like oh, berries are so expensive, I’ll just get apples…and then never eat the apples. If you can afford it, maybe be willing to splurge on healthy foods that you’d actually be excited to eat?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        It’s funny you say that about the apples–that’s exactly what I do! I actually do like apples and would probably choose them over berries…but they just sit there until I have to toss them. I don’t know what my problem is there. I’m so…ambitious?…in the store, and then I get the stuff home and it sits there. I think I tend to shop with my eyes–ooh look at this shiny apple!–rather than thinking about whether I’ll truly prepare and eat the item once I get it home.

        As far as splurging, the bank gave me a very nice “stay” bonus, which I got in my pay on Friday, so I can definitely do that and I probably should.

        1. Koala dreams*

          I like apples to, but I can’t eat them whole, I have to cut them first, and that adds an extra step. Sometimes when too tired that step is too much. Try some softer fruits, such as pear or peach. Or berries, of course.

          My best tip is those frozen vegetables that are pre-cut. You can thaw them the day before eating, or just pour out some frozen ones and heat them on the stove or in the microwave. The are an easy side if you need vegetables to someting, but can also be used in stews and soups (add them towards the end of cooking if you don’t want them to get mushy).

        2. Dee Em*

          I make applesauce when apples don’t get eaten. I make it in the instant pot but it’s really easy to do on the stovetop. Just core and peel and cut the apples into quarters. Then add about 1/4 cup water and a couple of cinnamon sticks (or a couple shakes of ground cinnamon). Bring to a boil, cover and simmer on low for about 15 minutes, then mash with a potato masher or use an immersion blender depending on how chunky you like it. It keeps well in the refrigerator for a week. I eat it plain, or with yogurt or oatmeal for breakfast.

      2. Rebecca*

        Oh, I love apples, mostly Fuji! I just cut them into quarters, cut out the cores, and eat them like that, usually with a piece of string cheese. I probably eat an apple almost every day, unless I’ve run out and didn’t have a chance to go to the store. I’ve even gone out into a field to an abandoned apple tree while biking on the rails to trails bike path here, and grabbed one off a tree for a quick snack and break. Love them!!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Fuijis are my favorite! I have apples trees in my backyard, and I’m really hoping they produce well this year. The last few years have been terrible. I had them pruned way down so I’m hoping that helps.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’ll add, too, that I know I should probably go through and throw out all the stuff we’ve accumulated that we shouldn’t be eating (husband needs to get his eating under control, too). I just have a really hard time throwing away food, even though it’s 1/3 full bags of potato chips and things like that. But I know I should!

    3. WellRed*

      Do you take a list to the store or just wing it? If it’s not in the list, it don’t get bought. And please, toss the chips. They aren’t really food when you think about it.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I just tossed all the chips! The only thing left is one unopened bag of tortilla chips, and those aren’t appealing to me anyway. I also have a half a bag of popcorn. Also something I can control easily.

        UGH, I wing it when it comes to anything other than the essentials. I often don’t shop with any plan in mind, which is probably not good, unless I’m making a specific recipe.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m seeing a lot of “I know I should… but…” in these posts. If this kind of reasoning tends to undermine your health strategies, you might want to give that a bit more thought. Otherwise it’s unlikely that any good advice will really be helpful to you, because your mind will find some reason around it.

      You asked for what works for us. What works for me is to find those serious tension points (impulse buying, impulse eating, not being able to get rid of tempting foods), and consciously think of a work-around. If you’ve been unable to resist temptation previously when in-person shopping, it’s unlikely that you’ll suddenly be able to do it because you yell at yourself even louder.

      Order online. Order only when you’re not hungry or emotionally stressed. Save the list, and double check it before you place the order. Consciously trade off “I’m not getting X unhealthy treat so I’m going to splurge on Y healthy and delicious thing that I really like (such as berries), even if it’s pricier.”

      Consciously decide, and get your husband to agree, that for these two weeks frugality isn’t your top priority. Maybe you won’t shop this way forever, but right now you’re going to invest in this project by getting really tasty things even if they cost more.

      Get your exercise elsewhere. If walking around the grocery store is good exercise for you, then go walk at an indoor mall. Go to a museum on free entry day. For these two weeks, any place where you can impulse buy food is off-limits.

      If you can’t bring yourself to toss the unhealthy food already in your home, then box it up, tape it, and put it in the garage or on a closet shelf “in case we need it later.” I’d vote for tossing it, personally, but if you can’t, then physically remove it as much as possible. You can always pull it out in two weeks if you really want to.

      I’m not sure if you’re really asking for recipes or meal plans. It sounds like you know what works for you, but it’s difficult to get into a sustainable routine. For me, I’m best if I make several large recipes all at one time, and eat the leftovers for healthy meals or snacks. My husband doesn’t tolerate leftovers as well as I do, so mostly I have these for my lunch or snacks, and then plan a freshly-made dinner with him. (I’m a leftovers-for-breakfast gal, so I’ll eat them for my first meal, as well.)

      If it works for your digestion and body, things that I like are big soups with lots of beans and vegetables in them, roasted vegetables that I can eat cold or hot, with or without a sauce, etc., and simply-prepared proteins that are also good hot or cold, such as broiled fish or sautéed chicken. I make sauces and dips to serve on the side. Nice sauces for cold proteins would be, say, jarred pesto sauce or mustard-mayo sauce. Hummus is also a good accompaniment to cold proteins.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I workout five days a week, so my plan is to go to the gym during the day and spend more time working out than I usually do. Normally it’s about 50 minutes, but I’ve been spending over an hour there and trying a few new exercises. Once I go back to work, I’ll have to figure it out since they don’t have a company gym like my last job. I posted above and I’ll be making a home gym, but I’ll need to figure something out until I can get that done. Unfortunately it’s not something I can do in my house since my house is 280 years old. I really don’t want to put heavy equipment on my floors, or be jumping around on them. I’ll have to rework my shed or build something and attach to the garage.

        And yes, I will definitely have to avoid places where I can impulse-buy food. I really need to find stuff to do during the day since I don’t have kids that would keep me busy. I’m thinking I’ll start cleaning out that shed in preparation for the work we’ll need to do to make a gym.

    5. Aphrodite*

      I’m nearing the end of the pre-gastric bypass procedures and tests (surgery soon coming), and what I realized is that other than a few special dinners (and breakfast since I love that), I don’t like to cook much any more. So what I plan to do once I’m off the liquid and pureed sections is to go to Whole Foods, Lazy Acres and Gelson’s, all high end stores, and buy prepared foods. I won’t need much and I won’t have to do anything other than serve it and eat it. Because I will be limited in how much I can eat, it shouldn’t cost much money.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        One word of caution: when you’re out of the liquid and soft food phases, don’t go buying a bunch of stuff at once. Buy a little of this and a little of that, try it and see how it goes. In the beginning, the new stomach can be very finicky. For example, scrambled eggs might be fine, but hard-cooked might go down like a rock and it might take months for hard-cooked eggs to be OK. That’s how it was for me. Or maybe you won’t be able to eat them ever again. Or maybe this won’t happen at all with eggs, but the stomach will decide it hates chicken due to density and moisture content. It’s a total crap shoot after surgery as to whether you’ll be OK with certain foods. Some people are extremely limited in food choices for the rest of their lives, some have only a few certain foods that bother them, and some don’t have any food issues. I don’t have any food issues. There aren’t any foods that bother me other than sugar, and I can tolerate a certain amount of it. And the foods that did bother me the first year or so, like oily dark meat chicken, hard-cooked eggs and shrimp, no longer bother me. This isn’t to scare you. It’s so you can make choices when you start shopping after surgery. I don’t think the doctors do nearly enough to prepare people for the reality after surgery.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I have found that a lot of “healthy” food is kind of bland tasting so I make a point of having on hand and using various spices to liven things up a bit. My secret ingredient for when I’m especially lazy is “Mrs. Dash.”

  82. Seeking Second Childhood*

    I have a curiosity about rules for when businesses and volunteers … it’s probably too much w-related to put it here, so I’m ducking back to post it on Friday. Not my business or employer so I almost posted it here before realizing.

  83. Loopy*

    Got married yesterday. Turns out some of my favorite parts are the things that went awry, so I thought I’d share some funny stories. I have one upthread about my melting centerpieces but here was the moment everyone loved:

    The officiant was doing the repeat after me part of the vows. My fiance had dutifully looked ours over but not done more than a glance and review. So when the officiant had him promise “to be my comfort in disappointment” he misheard and lovingly promised “to be my comfort AND disappointment.” Everyone laughed as the officiant quickly corrected him and had him repeat the correct line. It was funny because both he and I were cracking up, as were all the guests.

    Later everyone was quick to tell him he was covered for our first fight, after all, hey he HAD warned me in advance. We are a laid back crowd and all got a great laugh. Someone has it on video and I’m thrilled.

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Congratulations! It is awesome that it is recorded, and that you were so great at seeing the humor (as was he). Sense of humor is a wonderful character trait! Sounds like you are off to a fun and wonderful start!

    7. LGC*

      Congratulations! I’ll definitely have to look through for the melting centerpieces, but this story…whoo! I’m in agreement that the best wedding stories are the ones where things go slightly wrong. (And I’m glad everyone can laugh about it, because…hey, it is funny!)

  84. Theminion*

    I don’t recall seeing any breakup-related questions here, so hoping this is not inappropriate (apologies if it is). First breakup from a grown-up relationship (8+ years):

    Question A: What are some suggestions to keep busy or distract myself during downtime or small pockets of time where I’m not occupied with or just taking a break from work or other duties, and just have an “itch” to IM/text them? Suggestions to get new hobbies and keep myself busy with projects, etc, are all fine and good, but what happens if I have 15-30 mins randomly between activities, or say, after dinner as I wind down at the end of the day? I’m thinking something along the lines of contributing to a forum and/or providing opinions or advice somewhere online to engage with people but no commitment – are there any in particular (apart from this fine establishment!) that people enjoy?

    Question B: There is some ambiguity as to what kind of support/contact I’m supposed to provide/do – I do agree with common advice that it’s better to stop all contact as it interferes with the moving on process, but as a relatively passive/unconfrontational individual, I caved a little when they begged for some sort of contact. I mentioned that if they do a 2-3 sessions of counselling we can consider talking. I don’t want to get back together, but it was something reflexive I said because they were very desperate (also I have issues with clear/assertive communication that I’m working on). Should I ignore all messages/emails from them (telling me they booked an appointment with a counsellor and if I wanted to send them updates on my life, I could), and email them in 1-2 weeks – something to the effect of, “I’m glad you are seeing a counsellor, keep it up, even if you don’t think it’s helping yet; I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to talk or see each other for now; if you need help with your job hunt, you can ask your friend, counsellor, alma mater, for resources”? Is it ever ok to email them after that point or is it weird if I check-in with the friend (who I contacted after the breakup, given Ex’s vulnerable state) to see how things are going?

    Ex is having to start life from scratch – no job, no savings, (soon) no place to live, and while I did what I could in terms of providing resources and notifying the friend who is/seems happy to help, I think I have a lot of guilt and still feel conditioned to want to help (I supported my ex while unemployment for many years, and took on the “parent” role/enabled them to continue their lifestyle).

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Should I ignore all messages/emails from them

      Yes, you should. I know you say you caved in the past, but going forward, definitely ignore. It is best for your sanity and any future friendship or other friendly relationship you may have with your ex to have a definite break before you come together again in a friendly way. I’d say a good six months to a year. No contact. Get on with your lives. Then come back together.

      1. valentine*

        One last text: “A clean break is best for me. I’m cutting contact.” Change his name in your phone to “Literally anything else” and block the number both ways, if possible (parental controls?). He’ll turn details into a debate. Any more input from you will be a return to old patterns where you give and he takes.

        And I advise remaining estranged, otherwise, he’ll think he just needs to wear you down or wait you out.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Texting. Do you have an understanding friend who would be okay with you texting her to help you over the habit of texting him?
      Sometimes we can just find fill-in people to cover these random issues that come up. For example, maybe you always watched movies on Friday. So you could find another friend who would watch movies on Friday with you for a few weeks.
      What this does is help disconnect the strong association between him and texting/Friday movies/whatever. You begin to see yourself doing the same activities with other people.

      When a male friend split up with his GF, I became that stand in person who kind of acted like an accountability coach, too. He would line up a small project for the day such as cleaning the workbench in the garage. “Perfect. Call me back when you are done and tell me how it went.”
      This did work. It wasn’t long and he started doing more and more. (Grief brain does slow down our ability to function so the humble work bench project was actually a much bigger step than it sounds.)

    4. Theodoric of York*

      Question A) Down the page a bit, there’s a discussion about how on-line gaming will suck up as much time as you want … and more. That will work for you if you’re more disciplined than the average person.

    5. A Non E. Mouse*

      Suggestions to get new hobbies and keep myself busy with projects, etc, are all fine and good, but what happens if I have 15-30 mins randomly between activities, or say, after dinner as I wind down at the end of the day?

      I would actually suggest something that does not involve the phone/interwebs at all.

      If you are physically able, can you go for a walk during these times? Even a small stroll around the block.

      You could also set a timer for 15 minutes and do X, where X is some small household task like tidying up, dishes, laundry, dusting, vacuuming, etc. – but leave the phone/contact items in another room entirely.

      Should I ignore all messages/emails from them

      Yes.

      and email them in 1-2 weeks

      No.

      You will need to go a LOT longer before you can (emotionally) safely resume contact.

  85. Environmental Compliance*

    Has anyone here ever made their own resin/polymer charms or beads? I make stitch markers for my Etsy shop, and obviously I need another crafting addiction like a hole in the head, but I think it’d be really fun to do!

  86. LGC*

    So, how do you deal with someone who constantly talks themselves down around you? (Yes, this involves running. No, this is not about running.)

    One of the guys in my running club always talks about how fast I am and how slow he is. And honestly, it makes me really uncomfortable – for starters, there’s not that much of an absolute difference between us, and he can definitely keep up with me! (And relatively speaking, he is older than I am, so that actually does affect things.) And on group runs, I’ll usually stay with the group, regardless of speed. (I don’t like going ahead unless I have someone to go off with.)

    Other guys in our group have mentioned the same thing, and just noted that that’s the way he is. And…you know, I get that, but it’s still pretty bothersome. Should I just let it go? Say something?

    1. Lilysparrow*

      I usually encourage people once that whatever the point of comparison may be, it’s not a competition and everyone’s personal “rankings” don’t matter.

      Once.

      After that I assume they are fishing for compliments/constant reassurance, and so I ignore it.

      1. LGC*

        You’re actually on to something. I think that might be some small part of it where he’s fishing (clumsily) for approval.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Tell him his self-talk stinks and if he wants to improve he will need to drop the stinky self-talk. So it’s his choice, stinky self-talk or actual improvement. He only gets one, which does he want?

      I have trained a lot of people. Consistently I saw the ones who did not talk nicely to themselves got stuck, they could not move upward in their work (speed/capacity/responsibility). Self-talk matters a lot.

      If this does not work then drop the hammer, “I am not going to listen to you talk negatively about my friend Sam [meaning this guy, you refer to him in the third person as you are speaking to him]. If you haven’t got anything positive to say about Sam then you need to talk about something else.”

      1. LGC*

        …you know what, I think he’d respond really well to this. I’m going to give this a try the next time it comes up.

        There’s quite a bit that’s going on (not going to get into detail for everyone’s sake), but at the end of the day I know he’s an extremely competitive person (and…okay, I can be too). I’ve told him that he’s pretty accomplished in his own right (he is! More than me! The dude’s done a full Ironman and just typing the word “Ironman” makes me want to go to bed for a year), but I think that a subtle “get on my level, then” might help things. Or at least get him off that for a bit.

    3. CatCat*

      He may not be aware that he’s doing it. It definitely sounds like he’s feeling somewhat insecure about it. You could mention it to him with a tone of kindness.

      “Hey Ted, I don’t know if you’re aware you’re doing this, but I’ve noticed that you often put yourself down about your speed. The club is here to support members with wherever they are! Everyone’s body is different and every individual runner is unique. It’s not helpful to compare with others when your true competition is with yourself. Let’s celebrate your PRs and everyone else’s PRs without comparison.”

      1. LGC*

        So, I was going to type a response, and…I actually realized that I tend to do this quite a bit myself, which is probably why I’ve picked up on it and why I’m bothered by it from him.

        I don’t do this with every interaction (and it seems like…he does with me), but I’m definitely prone to joke about being dropped by guys who are faster than me. (Well, faster than me right now.) And I know that…well, I have an idea of where all the guys in our group are, in terms of ability. (It’s something I’ve picked up on over the past year, between long runs, workouts, and stalking on Strava.)

  87. Lemonwhirl*

    We recently ripped out all the gorse bushes that were overrunning a section of our garden, and now I want to put down something in the empty places. We bought a bunch of “bee bombs” that will be a wild flower meadow, eventually, but the space is huge and a lot of it is on a fairly steep slope.

    I’ve researched a few plants that meet our requirements (slope, partial sun, hardy ground cover, non-toxic to dogs, will grow in Ireland, etc) and now I’m trying to budget the project.

    Does anyone have any recommendation for a decent free landscaping design app or web site or something that will let me plug in parameters (like how many mint plants do I need to cover 13m by 4 m) to determine either total cost or just number of plants. I don’t really care what it looks like (anything is going to look better than the rock-strewn slope-y mess we have out there right now) so maybe there’s like a horticulture calculator app that would do the job.

    Also, if you have some idea for plants that are pretty, meet the above mentioned criteria, and ideally do not have berries on them, I would love to hear those too.

    Thanks!!

    1. Jen Erik*

      I don’t know if you’re using mint as just an example, but it does run if it’s not confined – which you might not mind, but I thought I’d mention it.
      You also can get really good wild meadow mixes, and the sites will give you a calculator to tell you how much you need. The perennial mixes don’t flower as much in the first year, but if you mixed in an annual mix with them, you would get flowering this year. (I imagine that depends how slope-y the slope is – whether you can get at it to mow occasionally.)
      For hardy ground cover more generally, Vinca is good, and would work on a slope – I also like woodruff but, like the mint, it does spread itself about.

      1. Jen Erik*

        Also, now I’m thinking about it, heather would work, wouldn’t it? It’s not fashionable at the moment, which probably means that in five years it will be all the thing, and it would be good for the bees.
        You can also get ground cover roses, but I haven’t personally grown any, so I can’t recommend a variety. They would have rose hips, though, unless you were happy to deadhead.

      2. Lemonwhirl*

        Thank you. Something that runs would be fine. The slope is completely unmowable. (And honestly, we are not great about mowing anyway. We have a bit over 2 acres and it’s fairly wild. We only had the gorse removed because its roots were slicing up great pieces of a rock face and it was a safety hazard.)
        The total area we need to cover is around 26m by 8m of slope and another 14m by 8m of flat (though for the flat we will probably just throw down done grass seed.) I think I’d be ok with heather. At some point (ie when we can afford it) I want to build a deck out there so I want to get something cheap down now just to cover the mess and hopefully discourage the gorse.

    2. chi chan*

      Red Valerian is a hardy plant that doesn’t run. And as for the money calculation I would measure the place and talk to a gardener who can tell how much space to leave between plants and thus how many plants you need.

  88. Atlanta? follow up*

    Thanks for your answers to my questions about transplanting to Atlanta; it looks like this position isn’t a great fit so unlikely to be moving there soon. If that changes, I’ll be back with more questions. I’m working weekends now, so getting back in here to participate in the conversations has been hard, but wanted you folks to know how much I appreciated your info.

  89. coffee cup*

    What’s the most random or short-notice travel you’ve done? Have you ever booked a flight a few days before and just gone somewhere?

    I have not done this but it really appeals to me (other than my fear of flying, which is the main thing that stops me!). I’ve gone on a couple of adventures closer to home just me and my car, but nothing abroad. I guess after Brexit this might be much harder for me to do if I end up needing a visa for everywhere, but… hypothetically! I wondered if anyone had done this kind of thing. Doesn’t have to be abroad!

    1. Thursday Next*

      I realized my Japanese visa was going to expire the following day. (I am usually on top of things like this.) It was a few months before I was moving back to the U.S., so a tourist visa was fine, which I could get simply by leaving and re-entering Japan. I was on a plane to Thailand the next day. It was a great trip!

    2. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

      In 1997, we flew from San Francisco to Paris for a long weekend (Thurs-Tue) when there was a screaming-great deal on airfare (RT $340/pp, with one stop in Philadelphia!). The email came in on Tuesday, I called husband and asked if he wanted to do it (it was our anniversary weekend), we agreed, booked time off and tickets, found a cheap place to stay, and went!

      We haven’t done much spontaneous travel since then; I was 13 weeks pregnant with kid #1 (of 3) at the time, so the last 20 years have required more planning to ensure kid coverage.

      It was great. If you can take last-minute trips (trains?), do it!

    3. MostCake*

      Many years ago there used to be a Yahoo Travel feature whereby you could track round trip flight prices to particular destinations – it was really simple to use and so I would check it daily to see if there were any possibilities for a cheap trip. I didn’t have pets then so I was a lot more spontaneous! One day there was a really low price to San Juan, Puerto Rico. Something like $150. I mentioned it to a friend who said Let’s Go! You pay for the tickets and I’ll pay for the hotel. His pockets were a lot deeper than mine and he booked a gorgeous and lux beach resort, I think it was Westin. We booked this all on Wednesday for flights out on Friday evening and a return on Sunday afternoon – something like 36 hours total for the trip. The hotel had a casino and the beach was beautiful. The trip was a blast! Other quick trips I booked included Seattle, Reno, Lake Tahoe, Austin, and New Orleans, but the San Juan trip was by far the most spontaneous.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve never done any proper travel short notice, but at one point when I was in Detroit for a museum day, my friend and I randomly decided to go to Canada for dinner. The Canadian border guards thought this was hilarious and directed us to the right part of town to easily find dinner options. The American ones, on our way back, apparently thought we were shady as hell and grilled me a while before waving me on. :-P

    5. Weegie*

      I once went to China at a week’s notice. I was actually supposed to be going to Japan via Russia and had planned to buy the train/ferry tickets in Budapest. But for some reason the ferry wasn’t running, I would have to fly, and as the whole point of the original trip was NOT to fly I decided on the train to Beijing instead. The various consulates in Budapest were really good about transit & visitor visas, but there was a few days delay on one of them, so I took another spontaneous side-trip to Prague while I was waiting. It was all good – I ended up in Hong Kong and stayed on for a few years.

      Go – it’ll be great! You’ll have such a sense of accomplishment.

    6. rubyrose*

      Back in the 1990s there was a new airline called Western Pacific. It’s hub was in Colorado Springs and it flew to 14 cities. To introduce the airline, they had what they called Mystery Trips (or something like that). You paid $70 for a round trip ticket. You specified the day to leave and you knew you were flying back the next day, so one overnight stay. You just didn’t know at the time you bought the ticket what your destination was.
      The day before they called you, gave you the time to be at the airport, and the temperature range of where you were going. You showed up at the airport at the given time and were told at counter where you were going. They gave you a couple of guides for the city, so you could ponder your plan on the flight.
      The “dog” city, the place considered to be the least desirable, was Wichita. Well, I’m from there, so I would have been fine going there. I called my family there, and in San Francisco in advance, warning them I might be stopping by. I ended up in…..Seattle.
      I loved it. There just happened to be a travel agent on the plane who guided me to a reasonably priced downtown hotel. Took mass transit from the airport into the city. I had a great time.

    7. Fellow Traveler*

      When I was in college- we had a week off between semesters and my roommates were going to Paris. I was going to stay and work my work study job. But the morning they were leaving, I changed my mind. I went to the bank, took out $400 in cash, went to the airport with my roommates, and bought a ticket to Paris for $300. (I’m pretty sure this is the kind of thing that makes you look like a suspicious figure) We spent a week in Paris, being poor students, mostly subsisting on bread, cheese, and wine. It was the best thing I did in college and I often think- it was so easy to do then when I had no money- why does it seem like an impossible thing to do now that I could actually afford to do it?

      1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

        My passport was about to expire and so I booked a flight to Toronto. I was in Canada by the end of the week, for one day (I heart day-cations). I had a blast, even though the Canadian customs officer thought I was insane. You should totally just take a random trip somewhere!

        For readers in the US who like this kind of travel, check out Pack Up and Go – it’s a travel agency that plans your trip for you BUT you don’t know where you’re going until the day of departure. How fun!

    9. Marion Ravenwood*

      Well a friend of mine once had to fly from London to India on a day’s notice, but that was for work so not sure that’s quite what you’re after…

      I’ve done this type of thing by train (as in literally woke up, gone down to the train station and went to Brighton or Cambridge or somewhere for the day) but never by plane. It definitely appeals to me but I know it’s not my husband’s thing, and I feel a bit guilty doing it especially when I spend so much time away from home in the first place. I might do it the next time he has a weekend away though if money allows at the time.

  90. JazzEraLady*

    Hi all! Can you recommend a good hotel in New Orleans? It’s going to be husband, mom, and I and we’re fine with sharing one room. Our budget is under $300 a night. If one of us is attending a conference that’s most likely at the convention center, does it make sense to stay where the action is as in the Latin Quarter, for example? We’re planning on renting a car to do day trips, but don’t mind paying for parking at the hotel.

    Also, I hear New Orleans doesn’t like AirB&B, is that right?

    1. Bluebell*

      I was at a great Airbnb in New Orleans last spring. 2 bed cottage for $200 a night. No problem booking it at all.

    2. La Peregrina*

      Former New Orleanian here who regularly goes back to visit. You have lots of good choices. The Convention Center is next to the Central Business District which has some of the best restaurants in the city. My favorite hotel in that area is the Old No. 77. The French Quarter isn’t far away. I don’t recommend staying on or near Bourbon Street if you want to get any sleep, but there are lots of great old hotels elsewhere in the Quarter. My favorite FQ hotel is Le Richelieu. There are lots of AirBNBs in NOLA and I’ve stayed in some nice ones, but they’re unpopular with locals because they’re blamed for rising rents and home prices.

      Piece of advice: go to Frenchmen Street in the Marigny one night to hear some of the best music in the city. If it’s your first time in NOLA it’s worth making a quick swing through Bourbon Street (aka Adult Disneyland), but then head over to Frenchmen with all the locals for much better music, drinks, and vibe.

    3. The Francher Kid*

      Hotel Villa Convento on Ursulines is my favorite hotel. It’s and old townhome that’s been in the same family for several generations. It does not have a pool, a restaurant, or 24 hr front desk, but it’s inexpensive and right in the middle of the French Quarter with limited free parking. Rooms are clean and comfortable and everything works.

    4. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Maison Perrier! Super affordable with different sized and beautiful canopy beds. Lovely breakfast and free brownies or cookies when you check in.

  91. Pregnant Body Issues?*

    I’ve been in a really uncomfortable situation the past few months: I’m pregnant, now at nearly 7 months, and a lot of people casually perceive me as “fat” instead of pregnant, especially when I’m wearing a winter coat.

    It’s been causing me a ton of anxiety, body shame, and loads of stress and severely impacting my work. I never realized what life is really like for women who are larger-sized–no matter what you read about it, experiencing the level of hate directed at you just for…walking? sitting? eating? laughing? is unreal. I never knew what level of hate I could absorb just for being perceived as a bigger lady.

    For example: This week alone:
    -a group of teens insulted me as I walked in front of them with my young daughter napping in her stroller. This went on for 5 minutes or so, with them calling after me, oinking at me, calling me a (paraphrasing) “Large piece of excrement” and so on… I was too shocked, and honestly frightened, to respond.

    -People refusing to give me a seat on public transportation when I ask them because they don’t think I’m really pregnant, “just fat.”

    -People who don’t know me making pointed remarks about my size/how I need to lose weight.

    So, how do I deal with this?

    (For those who want to know: I have only gained about 7 kilos so far this pregnancy (out of the expected final 10-12 at full-term 9mo). I’m pretty much exactly on track. And, when I became pregnant, I was on the slender side. My doctor has actually mentioned to me several times that I shouldn’t worry about what I’m eating, especially based on my lower starting weight and slightly lower weight gain this pregnancy compared to my last–a rarity in my country, where doctors are known for being much more strict about weight gain during pregnancy, to protect the mother’s long-term health.)

    People who know me are getting more and more surprised at how small I am this far along. Also, I have to admit that I have a really hard time eating and now need to force myself to eat for the sake of my pregnancy. Honestly, all this makes me want to do is to go on a diet–and I don’t even believe in diets! How do I get through the last few months without becoming seriously mentally unhealthy and/or losing my job?

    (changed my name for this)

    1. London Calling*

      People are disgusting.

      I don’t know what country you are in, but in Britain pregnant women can buy a badge that says ‘Baby on board’ so that when they are on public transport they can get a seat. Or at least try to get a seat, doesn’t always work. Can you have one made that says something like ‘I’m pregnant, not fat (and it’s none of your business anyway)?’

      As for the teenagers – I’d have given them a Paddington Bear hard stare and a comment along the lines of one day I’ll lose the baby weight but you will always be an ignorant ass. Just me, though.

      1. Grandma Mazur*

        Badge is free, I think? I picked mine up at the tfl info desk in kings cross.
        It’s definitely worth getting something like this – it does work ime…

      2. Pregnant Body Issues?*

        “I’ll lose the baby weight but you will always be an ignorant ass.”

        Love this! I can never think of great replies in the moment.

        I’m on the other side of the channel, though, not Britain. :) I’ll definitely look in to making a badge of some kind. I thought it couldn’t get worse after the first trimester when a few people wouldn’t give up their seat for me or even yelled at me for asking for a seat (?) in the priority seating section that is specifically reserved for physically disabled and pregnant women.

        The strangest thing is that this sort of thing NEVER happened to me during my first pregnancy. Never, ever. And I took public transport every day of the week, multiple times per day! Now, it only happens when my daughter is with me. Like, people are assuming that I just didn’t lose my baby weight from her or something?

    2. Lilysparrow*

      Good Lord, where do you live? I’ve been heavy off and on for most of my adult life, and was freaking enormous when I was PG, and I’ve never had that many wierdos make cracks at me.

      I did have a drunk old man in the subway loudly lecture/rant at me once about how I needed to stop eating so much because his sister was dying of diabetes. (Not sure how I can help with that, but whatever).

      I told him that in a few weeks I was going to lose about 25 lbs in one day. And just laughed while he tried to figure that one out.

      I’m sorry these freaks are getting you down, and I know it’s particularly hard to feel resilient and slough things off with the hormonal brain-stew working against you.

      You are wonderful. You are glorious. You are growing a human being, which is a super power. Just remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with your body, but anyone who makes comnents like that has something profoundly wrong with their soul.

      1. Pregnant Body Issues?*

        “going to lose about 25 lbs in one day.”–that is brilliant!

        Thanks for your words of encouragement–it means a lot! I live in France, where normally people are lovely and accommodating about all things pregnant, which is what makes this even weirder. People do have a lot of issues and judgement about anyone who isn’t slim, though, for whatever reason, but I’ve never known anyone to critique a pregnant woman’s size.

    3. Rebecca*

      People can be horrible. I remember when I was pregnant, I was waiting to cross the street near my apartment and some men yelled “cow” at me while I was waiting for the light to change. I’ve never forgotten it. I’m overweight without being pregnant, I wear size 20W or 1X clothing, and I too have felt the stares, heard snickers at restaurants, etc. I just tune them out. Like London Calling said – I can lose weight, they’ll always be ignorant asses. Hugs to you – you’ll get through this. I’m sorry it’s happening, though.

      1. Pregnant Body Issues?*

        I’m really sorry that you had to deal with those jerks. What an awful thing to say, and I’m so sorry that they felt entitled to say that to you.

        This entire situation is really making me think critically about the unconscious biases or snap judgments that I might make about other people’s physical appearance. I just…never realized that people could really be so mean? Like, it feels like middle school-level bullying, and how can that be happening in real life?

    4. ..Kat..*

      You might find the blog Dances with Fat encouraging to read.

      Personally, I almost always give up my seat on public transportation because I see someone who needs it. I always give my seat up if asked. The bonus now is that, as a middle aged woman, sometimes this will shame young people (especially men).

      Congratulations on your pregnancy.

  92. Can’t Quit You Baby*

    Tl;dr Anyone have luck giving up a time suck?

    So, it’s embarrassing to admit but during a time of stress in my life I got into FarmVille (the mobile version for what it’s worth).

    And the thing is I do enjoy it. But when I play I can play for hours a day. And I find the events to win a farmhand (every couple of months) stressful because you have to play almost all the time and then don’t always win. But I want to win!!!

    So I am having a hard time reconciling spending time on something that is objectively nonsense (virtual farm, virtual pets) with something I do enjoy as recreation/stress relief.

    So do I quit?

    Anyone else tried give up a bad habit but only bad in the sense of time consuming?

    1. Alex*

      I can sympathize. I got into Tiny Tower for a while. I got so obsessed with optimizing the amount of stuff I was getting and playing that it took up a lot of mental space for me.

      Then one day, when I was almost at what I thought was going to be the maxing out point of the game, they “upgraded” it and essentially deleted my game.

      I’m ashamed to say I kind of freaked out. I was ENRAGED. HOW DARE they delete all my hard work?!?

      But in the end, it was really freeing to not have to worry about what my little people were doing. I realized that I didn’t want to have this “nonsense” taking up space in my brain anymore, and I deleted the app from my phone. In fact, I deleted all games from my phone, and I have only one, non-cumulative puzzle game (no levels, you play until you lose, then it starts again) on my ipad, which mostly stays at home. On the go, I listen to podcasts, music, or just daydream. I feel a lot better about my mental space.

      At the end of the day, there isn’t anything inherently BAD about playing a game on your phone, but you have to ask yourself if you want to give so much mental space to it. If the answer is no, delete it. There are more rewarding things in this world.

    2. Nacho*

      I’ve had a few hobbies like that. As long as you don’t spend more time or money on them than you can afford, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying it, even if it is a bit of a sink. Playing FarmVille isn’t objectively any worse a hobby than reading a book or watching TV.

      That said, maybe try to avoid the farmhand events if they stress you out. That’s the opposite of what you’re going for here, and it doesn’t sound like those are very fun.

    3. BRR*

      I had to give up a team-based mobile game (Marvel contest of champions) because it involved too much time. I’m happy I quit because I didn’t have the time but if you have the time I don’t see harm in it. I switched to less time intensive games.

    4. Rebecca*

      I’m sort of addicted to Candy Crush Saga, on level 1350 something, so I don’t buy boosters, I play until my 5 lives are up, and wait until another day. That works for me, but man, I can get lulled into playing until my hands are stiff from holding my phone if I don’t watch myself.

    5. KayEss*

      Only way I’ve found to quit something like that is delete the app from my phone and go cold turkey.

      I’ve been playing a bunch of mobile games like that, but I get annoyed with a lot of them because usually you have to either play constantly or pay money. I also strongly suspect that aspects of the game are being directly manipulated to encourage you to pay money, like in matching games having the randomness of the pieces you get mean you’re more likely to wind up 1-2 moves short of winning a level and then immediately offering to let you pay for extra moves… it’s the kind of stuff they’re legally prohibited from doing with slot machines, but is absolutely technologically possible. I don’t mind games restricting the amount you can play unless you pay money, and I’ll occasionally splurge with a buck or two on extra energy or whatever once in a while if I want to keep playing longer, but some of them I feel like they’re trying to squeeze money out of me constantly by being deliberately frustrating. It’s been hard to find games that don’t seem to be structured like that.

    6. Book Lover*

      Someone else has said this, but I had to delete candy crush and best fiends. I found I was just spending too much time on them. There have been a few others along the way – usually after a day or two I recognize I am spending too much time on them and delete. I don’t have a good way to reduce investment – you either play or not ( I am sure this is a personality thing though).
      I do spend too much time on Pokémon go, but it has me going to new parks and making new friends so for now I am ok with that.

  93. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Well, you all can laugh at me. My friend has a baby, almost a year old. They’re having a combined baptism and birthday lunch on the 23rd. So, yesterday (the 23rd), I get up, get dressed nicely, drive up to the church where the baptism is, get there and the parking lot is empty. It’s MARCH 23rd.

    I did manage to salvage the trip – texted a couple of friends I hadn’t seen in a while, went and just chilled with them for a bit. So it worked out!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It’s called a practice run.

      I went to visit someone and got lost. That is called “neighborhood tour”. ;)

    3. LibbyG*

      Ugh! The way Feb and Mar dates map onto the same days of the week (most years) always trips me up! It is amusing, though, to imagine your WTF face when you saw the empty parking lot. Thanks for sharing the story!

    4. Asenath*

      I once missed a baptism because I forgot about the time change. Very embarrassing! I’m glad you managed to salvage something from your trip!

  94. Britt*

    Any accountants around?

    I got a job at a restaurant, but I only worked a day (for various reasons). I have expenses (food handler’s card, clothes), but don’t have a W2 because I only made like $30. How do I count those deductions on my tax form?

    1. fposte*

      Was this from 2018? Unfortunately, unreimbursed employee expenses are no longer deductible as of last year’s TCJA. (Pay too small to receive a W2 is still reportable as wages.)

      1. Britt*

        Wow seriously? This year I had to buy uniforms for my job, from my job. Those won’t count as deductions anymore?

  95. ECHM*

    I searched for “musical” and nothing came up, so I’m assuming no one has started this post … anyone want to develop an AAM musical? Loved the suggestions from the post on the Reply-All Horror Stories question.

  96. Anon for health stuff*

    I am very late to the weekend thread, but for those of you who’ve had a pulled muscle, how long did it take after you stopped feeling pain to be able to exercise the muscle again? I strained something in my shoulder about a week ago. I haven’t gone to the doctor for it since it’s been steadily improving every day, but I’m getting impatient to go back to my regular workouts. I haven’t been stressing the area, and I’m not going to do anything with it until the pain’s fully gone, but how long after that should I wait? Can I assume that once it’s stopped hurting, it’s pretty much healed? Or is there a risk of re-injury? I don’t want to do anything stupid and make it even worse, but I don’t want to be needlessly cautious either. I’ve never had this type of injury before, so I’d appreciate any advice!

    1. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      6-8 weeks to a full recovery is typical for a pulled hamstring, according to my sports medicine doctor.

      I’m a dance teacher and both a fellow dance teacher and I pulled a hamstring last year. I also pulled my groin last fall.

      If you push it before you fully recover, you are very liable to pull it again and again. Ask me how I know :(

      I recommend regularly icing the affected area, even as it’s feeling better, and as you start working out again, for the next week weeks at least. 20 minutes a day with a towel wrapped around the ice pack and on top of a light shirt. You don’t want to not be doing anything with a pulled muscle because you don’t want the muscle to atrophy and to overwork your non-injured side. You just have to be careful.

      Good luck!

      1. Ismis*

        Oh – this is pretty timely! I pulled a calf muscle two weeks ago. It had improved but was feeling quite tight this week and it went again on Friday. I’ve been hobbling around all weekend. I’ve been using an icepack in a hot water bottle cover and it’s slowly improving again but I’ll keep up with it for a few weeks. Thanks for the advice!

      2. Anon for health stuff*

        Thanks for responding! 6-8 weeks, yikes, I was thinking a couple more days of this and I’d be good to go. I appreciate the reality check! I’m not especially athletic, but I do yoga several times a week, and I’ve been going stir-crazy without that outlet. I have been icing my shoulder/neck area regularly, but I didn’t consider the atrophy aspect, so I’ll have to figure something out for that. I feel like every terrible New Englander cliche – exercise through the winter with no problems, only to injure myself shoveling snow.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Shoulders have a complex of tiny muscles – they can take longer to recover from injury. My physical therapist also recommended being slower about upping the amount of movement or weights used when rehabilitating a shoulder injury. It is easy to re-injure and be right back at square one.

        2. TechWorker*

          It obviously depends how badly you tore it in the first place but definitely start gentle when you do! It’s easy to go from ‘oh this feel fine’ to immediately pulling it again.

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