weekend free-for-all – March 2-3, 2019

by Alison Green on March 2, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week:  The Age of Light, by Whitney Scharer. It’s a fictionalized account of photographer/model Lee Miller’s relationship with Surrealist Man Ray in 1930s Paris, and I was skeptical that I’d like it but I was totally engrossed. It’s about love and art and imperfection and figuring out what you have to say.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,569 comments }

{ 1,569 comments… read them below }

  1. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    My cat keeps trying to help me by planting his butt on my laptop…

    1. Doctor Writer*

      I’m struggling to start again.
      Back in college, over a 5 year period, I wrote close to 900k divided in 3 novel length books and a multi book series’ worth of fanfiction, and considered it my ‘learning to write and storytell’ course (as much as it can be). It got great feedback, I made wonderful friends, family members enjoyed it, and I learned so much (internet rabbitholes of army veteran forums, trauma resources, and lighter stuff about camping, art and just about anything), I came back and edited earlier work and still love it, but during the last couple of years of my STEMS phD, everything ground to a halt.
      Now I’m all done studying (it’s been a few months), have a full time job, but when I do have time my brain groans and says ‘no effort!’, and I’m kind of scared I’ll never start again.
      I have 100k of a story in my notes which I’m proud of but deserves an overhaul to be coherent and finishable (it’s two stories so I need to resign myself to telling one at a time to keep the whole thing a reasonable 120k or so), and yeah, all this ranting is to self-motivate to get back to it^^

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I would suggest starting slowly, maybe choose a moment in the day (like 8PM) and try to write something – anything – for ten minuten or so, even when your brain doesn’t want to cooperate. After not all that long you’ll notice inspiration or the will to write automatically starting to come to you around that moment.

        1. Claire*

          What A.N. O’Nyme said. I’d only add:

          Pick the time of day that works best for you. Some writers do best in the morning, some late at night. I know one author who used his lunch hour to write. (That’s not always possible.)

          For your writing session, it sometimes helps to set a timer.

          Oh and don’t beat yourself up if you miss a session. Writing a novel is marathon, not a sprint.

        2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          This – I recently started writing again in a way to help cope with this awful job situation and now I have three rules:

          1) Write in the mornings, from 6.30-7
          2) If that’s not going to happen due to cirumstances and you need sleep, its cool, no beating self up
          3) This is fun time, not a death march (or work report. same thing). Let it flow and have a laugh!

          I put a circle on calendar every day I write. I started back up in february and the first weeks were a bit hit or miss but now I’ve got some consistency AND on days when I need to sleep in, I find myself wanting to write in the evenings after work. This is huge – I used to be way too tired (or thought I was) to do that.

          Baby steps approach and self forgiveness help a LOT.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        I tell myself that I have to do at least 500 words a day. For me, if I focus, I can do that in 30 minutes and sometimes I keep going, and sometimes I stop.

        It might be helpful to have a low word limit to hit each day so that you’re forcing yourself to do it and then you might find that you just keep going.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oof, I know what you meant. Maybe try to find some writing prompts and write short drabbles based on those? That usually helps me.
        Anyone else have any advice?

        1. Lucy*

          It’s really tough – even writing prompts aren’t doing it for me just now. I think I need to give myself permission to write some absolute garbage like super derivative Mary Sue fanfic ha ha!

          1. A.N. O'Nyme*

            That works too! Go forth and write a Mary Sue!
            (Fun fact: my phone autocorrects “Sue” to “die”. Er…)

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oof, I know what you mean. Maybe try to find some writing prompts and write short drabbles based on those? That usually helps me.
        Anyone else have any advice?

      3. Shrunken Hippo*

        I find reading books I enjoy can help me get through writers’ block. Sometimes exploring someone else’s writing style can help my brain switch gears.

      4. Mashed potato*

        Total busy blocks here lol.
        Was spraying weed killer one weekend and then overtime for next two. I jot down idea on an app on my phone so I can still brainstorm at work :D

    3. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I’m studiously avoiding the much-needed rewrite of the book I’m working on. Previously that meant writing other stuff, but this week I’ve done approximately nothing. At some point, I’ll get annoyed enough with myself to get back to it, but right now it’s sitting.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      It’s going well but I’d like to ask the hive mind how to deal with negative feedback. I totally get that, as a writer, we need to be open to the feedback as it can be more useful than positive but I’m finding that for (proportions exaggerated) for every ten pieces of good feedback I get, there’ll be one bad one and I find that the bad one lingers in my mind more than the good.

      How do I accept the feedback whilst also not letting it fester it my mind and knock my confidence?

      2. Claire*

        I totally get this. For me, I keep a folder of emails that I call “Good News” where I save positive reviews/feedback/etc. It helps me keep perspective.

        Oh, and good feedback can be just as useful as the negative kind. We need to hear “do more of THIS” as well as “don’t do this.”

    5. Claire*

      Cats, the fuzzy little criminals.

      The pirate novel sequel is going very slowly, but at least I *am* making progress. I’ve enlisted some friends to nag me every three or four days.

      However! Copyedits for the first pirate novel showed up yesterday, so I’ll be spending the next week or two working through the CE’s comments and queries.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        And now an extract of his being very helpful.
        “The computers just <mkefbmkqjfeùlzkfjlkkljlk"
        To be fair to him, the computer did just go haywire as a result of a power surge. I very much doubt crime scene investigators would say it like that, however.

        1. Claire*

          LOL! Our old cat once managed to switch my spouse’s keyboard over to Arabic, just by walking across the keyboard.

          My Fig-Cat likes to sit between my keyboard and my coffee mug, looming over me like a demon.

    6. Shrunken Hippo*

      I’ve just started writing again. For now I’m focused on world building because I know the basic plot I want to go with but a lot of the specifics depends on world history that won’t make an appearance in the book (I think) but needs to be sorted out to keep things consistent. There have been many nights spent researching geological formations, farming techniques, river travel, horse travel, and a bunch of other little things. I am so glad that the internet exists because it makes finding answers to my questions incredibly easy, though I do often end up down rabbit holes.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Yeah, one of my projects is a fantasy novel and it’s the one I usually work on during train commutes because world building is fun and I can easily put it aside when necessary.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Oh God this is me. What have I gotten myself into.

        It’s INSANE how much detail worldbuilding takes. And 90% of it won’t even be in the book, but if it’s in my head, then writing the bits that are is much easier.

        1. Shrunken Hippo*

          I’m always tempted to not worry about certain aspects of world building, but then I remember how annoyed I get as a reader when things don’t add up and I guilt myself into more research. Though I find world building fun because different cultures have always interested me so forming my own is fun.

          1. Lucy*

            World building and backstorying is absolutely some of the most important work, even if it never makes it on to the page – in fact it’s frustrating when the author is obviously stuffing as much of their research into the final work as possible!

            I’ve been struggling with writers block and I might give myself permission to back story some minor characters to make sure they have a unique voice. Thanks for the prompt!

    7. HannahS*

      I have a (teeny-weeny) craft blog that I love dearly, but the trouble is that I have very little time to do crafts and take good pictures of them. So I have a number of draft posts that are fully written with INSERT PIC written in where the pictures will be. It’s a bit frustrating.

        1. HannahS*

          Argh I’d love to but I have multiple pseudonyms in different parts of the internet and I’m nervous to cross streams. But thank you for asking.

          1. A.N. O'Nyme*

            No worries, I understand. Hopefully you’ll find the time to make those crafts and take those photographs!

    8. MommyMD*

      Love your cat! Mine just knocks everything off every table. I was in journalism before medicine and also a little freelancing. I miss writing and love it and would love to combine writing and medicine but really don’t know how to. I’m not interested in research writing. Good luck to you.

      1. Nynaeve*

        You could look into narrative medicine! There are master’s programs and workshops on it, but even if you weren’t interested in more formal training, you could read up on it to get ideas of all the possibilities. Narrative medicine been covered in places like JAMA and Annals of Internal Medicine.

  2. StellaBella*

    A request for recipes… Do you have lunch recipes to bring for work lunches in containers? Limiting my plastic consumption and saving money by doing this is my goal. Any favourites to share? Mostly vegetarian but I do eat fish and sometimes chicken.

    1. Approval is optional*

      In summer I do a lot of cold rice salads: brown rice cooked with something like cumin or coriander seeds, seasonal vegetables stir fried or raw – depending on the vegetable, sauce sometimes lime and coriander, sometimes honey -soy, and nuts sprinkled on top. I take it in a glass container. In winter I take vegetable and bean soup, vegan mac and ‘cheese’, or a vegetable and bean stew – again in glass so I can zap it in the microwave easily.

    2. Namey McNameface*

      Ditto on salads. Super easy to make and lots of variety. I don’t want to do full vegetarian but eating salads means I consume significantly less meat. Any fish/meat left overs you can chop into small bits and throw into the salad the next day.

      I use whatever vegetables fresh or canned I have at home. Also started growing kale, spinach, celery, beetroot (beetroot leaves also great on salads), and various herbs like basil and parsley. Any kind of grain is yummy and filling. I have used buckwheat, quinoa, millet, list is endless.

      As for dressing, invest in tasty oil. Or hummus/lemon/mayo…anything really.

    3. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

      I do a lot of soups. Super easy to make, and easy to load with veggies and other good things. It’s only my husband and me, so when I make soup at home, I still do a full batch and then freeze the rest in individual containers to take with me.

      2. Chaordic One*

        There’s nothing like homemade soup. Many canned soups are high in salt. I have food allergies and have to be especially aware of avoiding soy (which is in almost everything, darn it!)

        You do have to plan ahead a bit, but you can can make a big batch and then freeze it into smaller lunch-sized containers that you can microwave at work. So much better than canned!

    4. Not Yet A Parent*

      I usually make a bigger dinner so I can put lunches in Pyrex glass containers for work lunch’s. So pretty much anything for dinner is fine to have the next few days. I like making chicken a variety of recipes. Taste of Home has a lot of ideas. Also Pioneer Woman’s blog. Good luck!

    5. Lemonwhirl*

      Hi there – I eat a plant-based diet and my husband and son do not, so I batch cook all my food and freeze in individual containers, so all my work lunches are brought in from home.

      My favourite is dal – if you google onegreenplanet Sweet Potato and Tomato Red Lentil Dal, you should find what I think is the best dal recipe ever. (I usually load mine up with extra veg – usually bell peppers, cauliflower, spinach – and tins of beans.)

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          I feel so dumb, but I never thought to look at the rest of the site. Ha! Now I have a new source for recipes. Thank you for pointing out the forest I was missing because I was in love with a single tree!

    6. Marzipan*

      My office has a freezer, which is brilliant as I can make one big batch of whatever at the weekend, and then take a load of boxes of it in on Mondays. I can then mix and match all week! Plus my colleagues know they can help themselves if they want a lunch ever. So I’ll make vegetarian curries, lasagne, risotto, cottage pie… All kinds of stuff, really.

    7. Catherine*

      I do a lot of pasta salads with lazy tzatziki knockoff dressing or kimchi over rice!

    8. Anona*

      Budget bytes has a series of recipes devoted to meal prep. She also just finished a vegetarian month of recipes, so she’d be worthwhile to check out.

    9. Marion Ravenwood*

      Another vote for pasta/noodle salads. I have a couple of recipes I like for pasta salads – one that’s like a sort of knock-off carbonara with bacon, peas, spinach and ranch dressing (though you could probably swap the bacon for chicken), and another with frozen pre-chopped butternut squash, courgettes, olive oil, lemon juice, thyme and feta cheese. I also have a roast potato salad that I make with peppers, courgette, aubergine and Italian dressing which I really like.

      In terms of the noodle salads, I have a recipe for a Thai peanut salad which I make with rice noodles, carrots, spinach and peppers steamed in a colander (cook the noodles and veg, tip them into the colander, put a saucepan lid over the top) then dressed with feta and peanuts. The other one I like is more Japanese-influenced, with cucumber, peppers, carrots and sesame seeds. I make a similar dressing for both – lime juice, sesame oil and soy sauce, with peanut butter added for the peanut salad and ginger for the Japanese-inspired salad.

      I make a lot of soups as well – usually as an excuse to use up veggies that are past their best. Just mix them with a hand blender, a bit of cream maybe, some seasoning, then put in a pot and take to work the next day. Lots of soups freeze well too so it’s easy to make a huge batch at the weekend, portion it out and then put it in the freezer to eat throughout the week.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Cold peanut noodles are AWESOME. My husband takes them for lunch in the summer all the time — we make a big batch at the beginning of the week and it just gets better and better all week. I do lots of crunchy raw veg in mine, red cabbage, green onions, shredded carrots, etc. Great with edamame as well for some protein!

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      There’s a lentil salad I’m trying to recreate from when I used to live in California. I’m still having trouble cooking the Lentils to done-but-not-mush, and I’ve never measured quantity. …but here are the basic ingredients :
      Cooked lentils. Finely chopped purple onions and red pepper. Balsamic vinegar. Olive oil. Optional salt, pepper, and sugar. I’m still messing with herbs&spices too.
      I also love tabouleh. Bulgar wheat. Minced onion & flat parsley. Chopped fresh tomatoes. Lemon juice. Olive oil. Optional salt, pepper, and sugar.
      Just not great for a lunch meeting because the parsley is as visible on teeth as broccoli or spinach!

      2. Fellow veg*

        Have you tried French green lentils? They’re smaller than most and hold up better without turning to mush.

    11. Kimmybear*

      Cannellini beans or chickpeas with whatever veggies I have around (tomato, cucumber, broccoli) and green or red onion tossed in olive oil and lemon juice or red wine vinegar. Sometimes add a bit of feta or serve over baby salad greens. Lots of fun combinations and you get a healthy dose of protein from the beans.

    12. Frustrated S.O.*

      I used to take a lot of stir fry. You can cook up all the separate ingredients on the weekend (rice, chicken, veggies, noodles) and then prepare your bowl daily. Super easy and customizable w/different sauces.

    13. I Work on a Hellmouth*

      This has become a weekday go to for me! I usually make this Sunday night and divvy it up ahead of time–she has meal prep instructions under the regular instructions. The only things I really do differently is 1) usually get chicken thighs instead, because they are cheaper and I think they taste better, and 2) I let the chicken sit in the marinade longer if I can. Like, at least an hour, but I like it best if I remember to throw it in that morning and really let it soak.
      https://www.halfbakedharvest.com/sheet-pan-chicken-shawarma/

    14. fposte*

      I do homemade soups and stews that I’ve frozen in individual containers, and I do bento-style assemblages (no cute shapes, just a color array and a lot of different things). The latter take a little more time but not a lot, especially if you have leftovers, and they’re so much fun to open up at lunch!

    15. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      These are all great suggestions, but I’ll add a recommendation to keep several backup lunches in the freezer. My spouse uses a set of pyrex containers for work lunches and I usually batch cook something on the weekends so they’re ready to go for the week, but sometimes things come up. Having some emergency lunches in the freezer has been a lifesaver.
      Whenever I make something freezable, I set aside one or two portions in a wide-mouth 16 oz jar to freeze. We have a bunch of jars floating around so it doesn’t take any of the main lunch containers out of rotation, and they don’t take up very much freezer space. Chili, veggie stew (with lots of bean/quinoa/barley), leek, potato, and green chili soup, all freeze really well.

    16. Canadian Natasha*

      If you eat eggs, I sometimes like to make crustless microwave quiche. The key is to put it in a container with tall sides and rub butter on the inside of the container before you put the whisked egg and other ingredients in. (That lets the egg climb the container and get puffy). You can pick whatever herbs & veggies & cheese you want). It’s not one container if you bring along bread for toast and/or salsa to put on the quiche but I often do that as well.

        1. PurpleMonster*

          3 eggs, 1 cup milk, 1/2 cup self raising flour. The trick is to only just mix it so it’s still a bit lumpy as that’s what forms the crust. Anything goes – lentils, vegetables, whatever. I find cheese indispensable however. Bake at 220 Celsius for about half an hour.

    17. dbc*

      I like those freeze-dried sprouted lentils. Quick to cook, great texture, high protein and once they’re cooked and chilled are yummy in any combination. I use individual hummus packs (but that might not meet your preferred plastic reduction). I add mustard, hummus, rice vinegar and smoky paprika to any favorite salad dressing; I add capers and green olives, sometimes cooked pasta, frozen, leftover or salad veg of any kind. In winter I add those slaw mixes to the cooked lentils with some hummus and/or miso and heat with some water for a quick and crunchy soup.

    18. Nacho*

      For lunch I just store some deli meat/cheese in the office fridge and bagels/decent bread in my desk, and make a sandwich. Maybe lox and cream cheese if you want it to be pescatarian?

    19. cat socks*

      Here are a couple of soup recipes I make frequently. They keep well throughout the week.

      Senegalese Soup from Iowa Girl Eats
      Spicy Peanut Soup with Sweet Potato and Kale from Pinch of Yum

    20. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      This will be more appealing in warmer weather, but you can also pack a container of “salad” style filling to eat with crackers, wrap in a tortilla, or over mixed greens. It’s easy to make a week’s worth of egg or tuna salad ahead of time, and adding white beans or chickpeas and extra veggies makes it reasonably healthy. I especially like diced carrots and spicy radishes.

    21. The Happy Intern*

      Not a recipe but if you’re not one for big lunches, I have a sweet little container that lets me put granola or fruit pieces in the bottom compartment and a larger compartment on top allows for yogurt with a little ice pack that screws into the bottom of the lid so that the yogurt stays cold! I bring about a cup of yogurt with granola in the container plus some fruit and veggies to snack on and I’m set for lunch! It also works as a general container set up for bringing ingredients for other things that need to stay cold so it’s definitely something that I would recommend investing in! I got mine from a kitchen store for about $15.

    22. Rainy days*

      Search for New York Times Vegetarian Skillet Chili. Takes less than 30 minutes to make and there’s only little chopping because most ingredients are canned. Very tasty and you can easily customize to your taste.

    23. Sally Forth*

      I stole mine from a caterer. You can make this up and leave it in the work fridge, minus the almonds, then add a few for crunch at the time of eating
      1 bag of matchsticked carrots
      1/2 cup of dried cranberries
      1/2 cup of crumbled feta
      1 can of drained chickpeas
      1/2 c of slivered almonds
      1/2 c of any citrusy vinaigrette, but orange tastes best

    24. DrTheLiz*

      Chicken recipe, but I’m sure the chicken could be replaced with beans/lentils without too much trouble.

      Serves ~4
      500g diced chicken
      450 ml (1 tub) tomato passata
      2 large onions, diced
      1.5-2 red or yellow bell peppers, diced OR similar volume of broccoli
      1 heaping cup rice
      Herbs/spices to taste. I like garlic, paprika, a little black pepper, basil and rosemary.

      Put all ingredients into a pot, simmer on a low heat for 45-90 minutes. Serve!

      1. DrTheLiz*

        I suddenly recall that I also make a variant of this with halloumi instead of chicken. Fry the onion a little before adding everything else, use broccoli rather than bell pepper and for extra zazz add some balsamic vinegar right at the end.

    25. Kuododi*

      You mentioned you do still eat chicken and fish. I will sometimes make chicken salad out of leftovers on hand. (Another option is to buy a rotisserie chicken at grocery store and use some of the meat for salad and leftovers for homemade chicken noodle soup or chicken and dumplings.). Good luck !!!!

    26. Owler*

      Search for “Kenji Lopez Alt soup in a jar”. He made some instant soup recipes that are awesome. I really like his shrimp Thai soup, with a substitution of leftover diced chicken for the shrimp. I would eat it weekly if I were more organized (and if my family didn’t eat my stash). I’ve been meaning to try his other soups, but I haven’t gotten past the Thai soup.

    27. Drago Cucina*

      Lentil and barley salad with lemon juice, olive oil, and chopped parsley. Sometimes I add feta cheese, but it’s yummy without. The textures have a nice, satisfying bite. I need to make some for my Ash Wednesday lunch.

    28. Anonymoss*

      I found a recipe for baked cauliflower in a tahini miss sauce in Anthony Bourdain’s latest cookbook, Appetites. It’s insanely delicious. And the sauce is good on any kind of pasta or grain dish. It’s very savory and filling!

    29. NosilyCurious*

      I always have cooked lentils on hand, and I add them to salads, spice them up as sides, or make them my main dish. I cook a couple of cups, if not more, over the weekend with just a touch of salt and cumin and keep them sealed in a glass container in the fridge, and they’re great cold and easy to heat up as well. They are yummy with a bit of chopped tomato, green onion, and dill! I’ll have that as a side with some grilled chicken breast, for example.

      1. NosilyCurious*

        I should add that I usually make green lentils or brown, though the latter can get mushy if overcooked/overheated.

    30. Zephy*

      I do eat meat, but I’ve started meal-prepping my lunches on Sunday for the week. This week, I have baked chicken thighs with broccoli and sweet-potato mash. I also have a couple of clementines for a snack, and a yogurt cup for dessert (reusable: buy the big tub of yogurt and mix ~1/3 cup Greek yogurt + ~a tablespoon of strawberry jam together in a small tupperware, if you don’t want to buy the prepackaged ones).

      Thinking over some of the other things I’ve made and trying to vegetarianize them…

      I’ve made a riff on risotto with barley that holds up and reheats very well. Saute diced onion, carrots, bell pepper in your preferred cooking fat; add garlic and sliced cherry tomatoes. Once that all gets a bit of color on it and smells amazing, drop in the barley and chicken broth in proportion according to package directions. Season to taste with salt, pepper, maybe some herbs if you wanna get fancy. You can also change up the veggies for whatever you have/like. Simmer for however long the package says (varies depending on whether you’re using instant barley or not, I haven’t seen a difference in the finished product). I packed mine with some pork but you could sub in your favorite alternative protein. I wouldn’t recommend fish just because it should be a felony to microwave fish in a communal kitchen, but if you have your own office/microwave and aren’t inflicting your fish on anyone else, go for it. Salmon would go very nicely with this concoction, I think.

      Tuna salad and crackers is also an easy lunch to prep, but I’d do that about 2 days at a time, rather than prepping the week’s worth of tuna salad and letting that sit in the fridge all week. Building on that idea, you can do homemade DIY lunchables – crackers, cheese, meat if you want it (cold cuts or bits of cooked rotisserie chicken), maybe some snackable veggies like carrot chips, cucumber slices, celery sticks, with or without a dip to go with – hummus, cream cheese, your favorite salad dressing.

      I’ve also done DIY Chipotle bowls with cauliflower rice. Whatever your normal order at Chipotle is, it’s probably pretty easy to DIY. Rice (or cauliflower rice), beans, protein of choice, sauteed onions and peppers, and salsa layered in a container; pack sour cream (or Greek yogurt) in a separate container and add after reheating if you go for that.

  3. Jane Smith*

    Hi what’s everyone got planned for this wkend? I’m off now yay! Gong to catch up with some friends and try to do more exercise. Oh and I watched Isn’t it Romantic last night – it was hilarious!

    1. StellaBella*

      Well I am going to buy a new handbag, as last night I managed to shatter a full, 1L glass bottle of berry juice in my purse and all over the store floor as I was paying. I was, and am, so embarrassed. Only minor things were damaged but purse had a lot of glass flecks in it that were stuck into crevices so basically not salvageable. So, going to town shops to find a new handbag.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Oh, yes, I need to go buy a new handbag, too. Well, I don’t NEED to, but I WANT to! New job so I want to treat myself. I tend to be a one-handbag woman, which is used until it’s worn out.

        Good luck in your search!

        1. StellaBella*

          You too! I literally bought this bag in January and it’s not fancy, was about 20$ but I liked it. Just found more glass as I was cleaning the things that were in the bag. Ugh.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            It sucks when you find a nice bag–it’s hard!–and then something happens to it.

              1. Pippa*

                Me, too – and not that anyone asked, but last year I bought a kattee brand leather bag off Amazon when I was looking for something solid-but-not-too-pricey, and it’s been surprisingly great. Both the leather and the hardware feel like my much higher-end bags and it’s showing no signs of wear despite being in heavy rotation. Would definitely buy again!

        2. PhyllisB*

          Funny story about purse shopping: my husband and I were at an outlet mall and he told me he would buy me a new purse for our anniversary. I am usually not one of these shoppers who takes forever to pick something out, but we all know how hard it is to find THE ONE when you’re looking for a purse to carry everyday. (I too tend to be a one handbag woman.)
          Well, we went from one end of that mall to the other looking. Finally he picked up a purse, thrust it at me and said “Here!! Buy this one!!” It looked nice, so I was checking it out, and then I saw the price. I said, “This purse costs $200.00!!” He said, “I don’t care!! Just get it so we can get out of here!!” I didn’t, of course. In fact, I ended up going back and buying the very first one I looked at. He got off easy; that one only cost $35.00. And I used it for years. Now all I have to do is mention purse shopping, and he just throws his debit card at me and says, “Get anything you want, just don’t make me go with you!!”

          1. The Other Dawn*

            That’s funny! Yes, purse shopping takes quite awhile. After years of buying purses for looks and then not using them, I’ve realized it has to be an open top with just a middle snap. No zippers or button flaps. I like to just toss things in as I’m walking and not have to fool around with a zipper or any of that. Realizing what I like and find useful has made shopping easier and faster.

      2. Jane Smith*

        Yikes! Hope you find another nice bag and manage to salvage everything in it! I like bag shopping, despise clothes shopping.

    2. Cute Li'l UFO*

      Getting a job suddenly shifted my priorities so it’s a lot of cleaning that I’d normally do during the week basically tomorrow and Sunday.

      I do plan to get myself something fun for dinner. Maybe In-N-Out and a stop to finally try Cookie Dough Parlor for dessert, assuming I haven’t reached capacity from the earlier meal!

      1. Jane Smith*

        Somebody reminded me of the Unf*ck Your Habitat blog last week – I’ve been reading it this week and doing some of the challenges. It’s great for cleaning!

        1. Cute Li'l UFO*

          That blog is why I learned HOW to clean, not just move a pile out of my sight and then trip over it later! Everything stopped feeling so insurmountable and became actually doable. I like to play youtube vids or podcasts while I clean.

          I grew up with a really truly lovely mom who had undiagnosed OCD and serious cleaning rituals. I don’t put the blame on her, my way was just never “right.” I was always good at scrubbing toilets, though!

          Downside is that the visit to the consignment store I planned to take some of my nicer things to won’t be happening since I prefer to visit during the week to sell when they’re less busy. Guess I’ll stop being lazy and list them!

          1. Jane Smith*

            Yes! “Everything stopped feeling so insurmountable and became actually doable.” I so agree. I like to play epic cinematic music on YouTube when I’m cleaning:D

        2. Parenthetically*

          UFYH changed my life. I haven’t “needed” it in years, but the method/practical tips AND the kindness of the blog came at the right time for me and caused such a shift in how I think of cleaning.

    3. Lemonwhirl*

      Taking my kid to his acting class and then out to lunch today.

      Not sure about tomorrow – depends on the weather. I have a meal to batch cook and some veg to chop for snacks for the week. But I also want to do some prep work on the landscaping front. We also got a new board game recently so we’ll likely play that one afternoon. (And husband wants to watch A Bridge Too Far with our kid.)

    4. matcha123*

      I also happened to watch that last night and also found it funny and cute! I was like “Is that Thor?” but it was his younger brother!

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      I was hoping to have a birdwatching outing or take a hike but it is still raining–and raining and raining–and flooding and slides have closed trails and roads. I’m definitely stir-crazy. On Sunday I’m looking forward to my friend and I attending an afternoon program on gratitude at the meditation center. That will be wonderful.

      1. Jane Smith*

        That sounds like my perfect weekend tbh. I like walking in the rain if it’s not cold too! It’s raining here and we’redue bad winds later so I think I’ll try to get out for a walk this afternoon.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I like walking in the rain, too. Not so good for bringing out the spotting scope for birds, though. The rain today has turned out to be light and the wind has settled down, so I think I’ll head out to the hills on the coast nearby this afternoon.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      My plan was to do some clothes shopping, but it’s snowing. I may venture out anyway, though, since it’s not supposed to be a big event anymore.

      I really need to buy some business wear/business casual for my new job, which I start on March 11. Luckily the new manager arranged lunch with my new team this week. I got a tour of the building while I was there so I got a sense as to how people dress, and it’s a mix of business/business casual. It’s going to be SO hard to go back to wearing business clothing after three months of jeans at the old job. (Bank was acquired and those of us that didn’t get job offers basically became very relaxed the last few months.) I have some business casual pants, so the plan is to stock up on tops.

      Other than clothes shopping, I really don’t have anything planned. I’ve only been out of work for a couple weeks and I’m SO bored! My big event is going to the gym every weekday. I would like to go look at gym equipment, so maybe I’ll do that while I’m out later. I plan to make a home gym and need to get more than just the kettle bells and dumbbells I have.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        It’s snowing by you??? Oh crap, then it’s headed our way. A bit early isn’t it?

        1. The Other Dawn*

          It was supposed to start around midnight in CT, but when I got up around 2 am for the bathroom it hadn’t started yet. When I got up about two hours ago it seemed to have just started since there was only a coating. It’s coming down fast now, but small flakes, and we have a little over an inch I’d guess.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Thanks for the update.
            We are supposed to get one storm a day for the next three days. I put in my order for spring, but I think it got lost.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Captain Marvel!
      My husband hates crowds, I really want to see it before I get spoilers, and my daughter pushed to finish h er weekend homework on Friday night (YAY) ..so we bought tickets for the morning show. Turns out that’s a $6.50 early bird price too, which more than pays for the buy-online charge.
      Hoping this gets a big opening weekend to quiet the trolls, too.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Hi Alison – I’m SO hoping you delete this — somehow I was convinced that the show opened last night. IT’s NEXT WEEK. I have tickets for March 8 not for today. WHOOPS!

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Well okay you know what I’ll be doing NEXT weekend. Instead, we watched a DVD and moved snow around.

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      I went for a drink with some friends last night, then parkrun this morning. This afternoon I’m moving all my winter clothes back into storage, before going for dinner with friends tonight. Tomorrow I need to do a bit of side hustle work and tidying up at home.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Sounds like it’s a lot nicer weather where you are than here. I mean I like snow, but…

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          Yep – I’m in the UK and it’s actually been really mild here for the last 10 days or so. Which was nice, but not so much when you think about why it’s 20C in February (hello global warming…).

      2. PhyllisB*

        Don’t put all the winter stuff up yet. We live in the South (USA) and I was thinking about boxing up some of my heavier things, and guess what? It’s going to go down around 30F on Tuesday. To some of you that may not sound very cold to some of you, but around here, that’s pretty nippy.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My lawnmower, which they told me would take 2-3 weeks to come up in the lawnmower tuneup and maintenance queue, apparently was finished on Thursday morning (that’s four days after I dropped it off) so apparently I have to go pick that up this morning. Also need to do my grocery shopping and pick up a prescription. Nothing super fancy :)

      I think I might start painting my spare room this afternoon though. It needs to be done by the end of the month so I can get the stuff that goes in there moved out of the guest room before my parents come to visit. It’s a pretty small room and has been painted a charcoal grey-blue with dark wood trim, so it’s felt positively claustrophobic. I’m painting it a light moss green, and replacing the battered old trim with white, so that should lighten it up a lot.

      And then I have to work tomorrow. Yeehaw! :)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I got halfway through the last (smallest) wall and ran out of paint in my tray :-P rather than pour more out, I decided to just wait and, when I do round two on Monday or so, finish the first coat and launch straight into the second. Very pleased with the outcome so far, the color is lovely and much more cheerful than previous.

    10. Overeducated*

      I need to clean my apartment and file some insurance paperwork. Both have been put off too long.

      Today probably going to see my sister in laws’ kids compete in their major extracurricular activity, since they have a meet 15 minutes away, but SIL still hasn’t gotten back to us with the time. Sigh.

      Otherwise, debating whether to ask my real estate agent to show us a new listed property, since homes sell fast here but I’m not sure we’ve fully resolved our questions about location. Basically, dealing with the realization that our budget means my commute will be over an hour, the schools will be so-so, and it will STILL feel like living in the suburbs and needing a car to get everywhere apart from work and school is kind of a bummer.

    11. Jaid*

      I’m still getting over my cold and just want to sleep in… But the rent’s gotta get paid, so cue me getting showered and dressed. Might take it a step further and driving to the grocery store…

      1. Jaid*

        Annnd I just realized the office is closed so I’m showered…and in pajamas again. I may go out later though.

    12. Miss Astoria Platenclear (formerly Waiting for the Sun)*

      I have big plans this weekend. I’m going to see the Chicago production of Hamilton. Going with family members, who are treating me. Excited and grateful.

    13. Jane Smith*

      So I was planning on going to a rope workshop this afternoon, but I went back to bed for a nap this morning because I didn’t get much sleep last night… And I massively overslept and missed it! I’m in the bath now and is nearly 3 p.m.
      Oops. Only got time to walk to the shops, and maybe buy a bag online instead ;)

        1. Jane Smith*

          Lol.
          It’s a tying peeps up BDSM kind of rope workshop:) A demo on how to do so safely, and practise-with-clothes-on workshop.

          1. Jaid*

            I figured it was either that or an exercise work-out using jump ropes.

            There’s a sex positive club in Tacony. Originally the neighbors were outraged, but as things progressed…well the club is still there, the neighbors chilled out and it turns out that people have better things to worry about in the neighborhood like opioid addiction and racist letters.

    14. cat socks*

      Currently trapped in bed with three cats. This is the first time all of them have been in such close proximity so I keep looking at them with googly eyes. One of them just started bathing the other. I might be stuck here all day.

    15. Slartibartfast*

      Big time slumber party fun. Got half a dozen teenage girls tee heeing in the basement.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      Not a lot–we’re expecting winter weather with snow to start tonight, 2-5 inches. I have everything I need except I forgot to top off my gas tank (still have half a tank). It’s supposed to be super cold too, so tomorrow may be a do-whatever day. I might bake something just to use the oven, haha.

    17. New Bee*

      We went to a Black History Month event–they had a career panel that was very cool. Going to a friend’s party and hopefully out to buy some pregnancy-friendly shoes tonight.

    18. PhyllisB*

      I have been trolling the internet for cars. My grand-daughter totaled her car last Wed. She hydroplaned and hit a tree. She’s fine, but the car….two that I found were sold before we got there, and the one we went and looked at was way over-priced for the condition it was in. In case you wonder why I’m doing this instead of her (she’s looking also) she’s only 17 and car was in my name so insurance issued payment to me. Wish us luck!!

  4. Grand Mouse*

    Mostly a vent but I am really stressed out! I’ve been hit with many extra bills for medical care (me and the cat) and I went into the ER yesterday so I’m dreading that bill. My paycheck was smaller than normal due to missing a day because of the snowstorm. I’ve also been trying to save up to see my fiance. In our 2 years together, we’ve only seen each other in person for week.

    (Minor aside but I also feel ugly recently due to face and hair stuff so I am really down in the dumps lately)

    Following up to a post I made a while ago about some gothy platform shoes at work, I decided against them and decided to get gold sneakers! Fila Disruptors if you want to look. They’re fun but pass at a casual office. I really recommend metallic shoes if you want to jazz up your look and be popular!

    1. Teatime is Goodtime*

      That sounds like a lot of life coming at you all at once. I’m sending you good wishes for the coming week!

    2. Frustrated S.O.*

      I’m not sure why, but January and February are always tough months financially.
      I’m hit with my auto insurance bill, heating oil, taxes and I broke a tooth and needed an unexpected crown. I don’t know if it’s just winter or timing, but it sucks.

      1. Grand Mouse*

        The winter certainly doesn’t help! There’s a lot of expenses at the start of the year, more likely to get sick, costs related to any bad weather etc

        1. MissDisplaced*

          I feel for you too, because you never know when a kitty gets sick and needs the vet. This can be as much as your own doctor visit.

    3. LGC*

      First of all, best wishes! (And I’m really hoping you’ll be fine at your job for the ER thing. You should be, though!)

      You’re also tempting me to buy some loud sneakers for work. I’m…slightly adventurous (my boss has not yelled at me yet for wearing maroon Pumas, gray Chucks, and Vans MTEs to work – in my defense, the Chucks are leather, and the other two are suede), but…you know what, I’m probably going to end up buying a pair.

      I will probably be posting in the open thread in the next couple of weeks about what to do when your boss tells you that you’re a role model and you can’t wear gold Filas to work on a day that’s not Friday, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

  5. Not Yet A Parent*

    I’m wondering what people with a pool would recommend for safety rules for kids and also pool safety features are good ideas. Or really any suggestions welcome! My spouse and I are applying to adopt an older child or siblings from DSS and our home has an in-ground pool. We don’t currently have any kids (other than fur babies) so I’m wondering what types of pool rules parents have for kids of various ages. Right now the fence around the pool goes up to the house but there are multiple sliding glass doors that exit to the backyard directly. I’m planning to sign up the child(ren) for swim lessons, looking at lifesaver flotation rings/a shepherds hook and probably will add a second fence around just the pool area. I’m thinking that rules would be 1- no swimming without an adult present 2- no running in the pool area 3- no diving from the shallow end. I feel like I’m sure that it will probably also depend on the child specifically and maybe their age/maturity level. I don’t know if it matters but I’m not sure if the child we adopt will be any age from 6 years to a teenager. We are so excited as well as a bit terrified! Life is about to change a lot! It’s going to challenging and also rewarding.

    1. Pool kid*

      Rules I had (I knew how to swim well, until then I guess I was always with floaters and my parents), No food, drinks (especially glass glasses) or running around the pool (hard surface that got slippery), no going into the pool without warning an adult first, no head first diving (obvious, considering the depth), keeping the noise/splashing reasonable, and drying off before going inside. Oh, and no touching the pool chemicals in the shed.
      We had floating fries and water guns, a few lighter balls and that’s it.

      The dog kept away from the pool so nothing to worry about there.
      I also had to keep an eye on baby bro (floaters belt until 6-7yo I think), we usually went together or not at all if parents weren’t in the garden until I was 10. If parents were out of the house, no pool until I was 13, and no pool with friends unless there was an adult around unless the friend was really familiar to my parents until I was 15 (and never more than 5 friends or so).

      The most important thing is teaching the kid to swim, to tell and keep it to daylight hours, and making sure they realize that hitting their head is dangerous, and being reasonable with ‘holding your breath’ games. As pool protection goes, a stiff roll-on cover worked very well for us (barriers don’t stop a determined kid over 5 years old).

    2. Rebecca*

      Maybe I’m a bit over the top, but I’d insist that access to the pool be locked. Even obedient and smart kids break rules some times, and this is a learning opportunity you don’t want!

      Also check liability laws in your area for what other access needs to be locked. In the town I was in on Canada, for example, if a neighbour kid got in, even without permission, and drowned, you could be on the hook. We had to be sort of mean about the neighbors playing on our climbing frame when we weren’t home in case one of them fell off.

      1. Mary Connell*

        There are special child-proof locks for sliding doors for exactly this scenario. A locksmith should know about them, I assume.

        1. just a random teacher*

          And keep in mind, as you set up your locks, that you want something that will keep little kids out but which will also let you, as an adult, get that door/fence/barrier open REALLY QUICKLY if a kid does get into the pool despite your preventative steps and you need to go in after them. (Also, elementary-age kids have feet that fit nicely into chain link fences and can climb those suckers really easily. Adults, not so much.)

          For me, I have a little pin that goes through the top of my sliding door’s frame to help slow down small children who want to get into the pool area rather than a key lock on that door (there’s also the regular latch lock on the sliding door, but that wouldn’t stop anyone from exiting), but I don’t have children of my own so it’s a case of trying to deter other people’s toddlers from ending up in the pool area when they’re visiting my house. It wouldn’t keep a determined small child willing to shove furniture around to get up that high and then figure out how to rotate the pin away from the pool, but it’s in a high traffic area of the house and for my situation it’s a good balance between keeping kids out of the pool while letting me, as an adult, out that door and into the pool quickly in an emergency.

          1. valentine*

            There are special child-proof locks for sliding doors
            I wouldn’t lock any necessary entrance/exit. You may be unconscious or otherwise unavailable when the child needs to escape a threat.

            Keeping the pool covered when not in use should prevent most injuries. I might go overboard with one adult per child or two adults always (one on guard duty, one who is also in the pool or can go into the house or take smaller children in to use the bathroom). If not in the pool, everyone stays in a particular section.

            1. child safety is hard*

              This kind of depends on the age and personality of the child. It’s reasonably normal to child-proof all exit doors when kids are really little (like, toddler age) to keep them from getting out the front door to play in the street as well as out the back door to play in the pool. This is particularly true if your particular child has shown a tendency to try and let themselves out to wander off. (I’m thinking mostly of my cousin’s particular kid here – he was a very busy bee at around 3, and would take off running in any direction that looked interesting without any regard for things like traffic or how far away adults were. He’s settled down a lot as he grew up a bit.)

              Once they’re old enough that that particular kid is less likely to wander off in an unsafe way like that, you dial that stuff back so that in case of things like fire they could exit without you. It’s a tough balancing act that depends on the individual kid.

              The thing that worries me about pool covers is that if someone does manage to get into a pool with a pool cover on, it’s much less safe than a pool without a cover since they can’t easily surface for air. I’d imagine that most kids that can figure out a door latch can also figure out how to unhook part of an anchored cover, and I’d worry that one of them might decide to only unhook part rather than all of it at that point.

    3. Anona*

      We don’t have a pool, but we were talking last night about how our rule when our daughter is around water is that she’ll always wear a lifejacket until she can swim confidently, and must put it on before she’s even near the water. It sounds like the kids you’re talking about are older, but my husband almost drowned at the beach when he was 2 or 3. It was when they first arrived one day, and he just ran in. His family didn’t even see him, and a passerby had to grab him after he’d already swallowed water.

      So I’d say swim lessons may also be huge.

      1. Anona*

        Also, congratulations on this foray into parenting! That’s wonderful, and I hope many good things for your family.

    4. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      A solid cover that can be secured might be in order… and motion alarm sensors in the water.
      Kids can be taught to avoid dangerous situations, depending on their age and temperament. With kids who did not grow up with you, there will be a lot of learning curves. Being “over safe” may be sensible.
      I would recommend phrasing the safety lessons so that they are YES messages, not NO ones. “We walk near the pool to avoid slipping” “Food and drinks near the pool need to be on the plastic food dishes, and always when sitting at the table.”
      Also, check with DSS. I bet they have guidelines for pool safety.
      Congratulations and enjoy the adventure!

      1. Not Yet A Parent*

        Thanks! I’m going to research motion sensors. I hadn’t heard of them before.
        We did ask DSS and they had general suggestions but didn’t know for sure what the inspector would require. DSS had a three page sheet for most of home that was very specific but there was not a pool section on the list. The safety inspection is this month so we will find out soon.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      No somersaults off the side of the pool. A friend did that and hit the concrete and wow that was a lot of blood.
      She needed stitches and was fine after that… the whole pool had to close for more chlorine or something.

    7. Book Lover*

      I understand the age of the child may be variable, but personally I think you need safety locks at minimum and potentially alarmed doors and pool.

      We have a fence around the pool – check your insurance and consider the attractive nuisance issues. We also have a lock on the only door to the back that requires a key that is kept in a separate spot.

      1. L’il Sebastian*

        I would be surprised if locks and an alarm weren’t a requirement when the home check is done for the adoption, so I second this. Many comments here are talking about what their house rules are/were with pools, but this is also about the legal requirements since your home must pass a safety check before an adoption will be approved.

    8. Epsilon Delta*

      The number one rule my parents had was that you do not ever, EVER say help unless you actually need it. If my friends or I said help while playing a game (unless it was in the context of a full sentence, like “help me find the toy”) we were kicked out of the pool.

      Swimming lessons and adult supervision were also mandatory until I was a teenager. And when I was old enough (twelve?) I had to help with the pool maintenance – mostly vaccuming and sifting stuff off the top.

      1. Nynaeve*

        Yes! I’m still a little salty about having to get a new cell phone years ago because my cell phone was in my pocket when I jumped into the pool to save a girl I was nannying who didn’t actually need to be saved. (To be fair, it was an old Nokia, so I probably needed a new phone anyway.)

        If they want to play at being rescued, they can have an innocuous code word so everyone knows nothing serious is happening. When my dad was a lifeguard as a teen, it was “lemon drop.” You could say that and the lifeguard could practice their rescue technique while knowing no one was really drowning (and the person got the thrill of being fake rescued).

    9. Someone Else*

      The agency will give you specific requirements around your pool to be completed for the home study. Is the fence you mentioned specifically a poolsafety fence? Or just a fence around your yard? Around here the pool needs either a hard cover or a fence that’s at least 4 feet tall that is self-latching (ie if you let it close behind you it will latch). That needs to surround the pool. So if the slider opens directly to the pool area, your pool doesn’t count as fenced currently. A motion sensor alarm in the water in some places is allowed in lieu of fencing or cover. Although I’ve heard animals can set those off so while they’re less expensive they can be annoying. Usually the regulations are not so much to make it impossible for a child to get at the pool without an adult, but making it difficult for the child to accidentally get to the pool. The actual regulations vary by locale, so it’s hard to give definite advice on requirements, but the agency will tell you.

      In terms of just house rules:
      No swimming alone. Ever. (not meaning 2 people in the pool necessarily but another person must be in the pool area)
      No running.
      No diving (and your agency might require you to have a no diving sign up too)
      No glass.

      Making sure they’ve had swim lessons and that floaties are around is good too.

    11. Sam Carter*

      I’m not a parent and I’ve never owned a pool, so I can’t pretend to know about that, but I have had friends with foster kids and some of those experiences are relevant. Many of the kids are completely “normal” but others may be coming out of traumatic situations. It’s critical to keep that in mind whether you’re talking about swimming lessons or other activities. Age is a factor as well. If your newly adopted kid is reluctant to try swimming lessons, maybe it’s not about swimming at all. Maybe being unclothed in a swimsuit during a private lesson with an unfamiliar adult reminds them of other trauma. I’m not trying to say you’re kid will have issues, I don’t know that, but it’s so important to listen to the child and hear the message behind their words or actions. If you can, try to let them have choice or control of some aspects of the lesson. That could help with them rebelling just because they are so fed up with having their lives so monitored, controlled, and changed at someone else’s whim.

    12. neverjaunty*

      Congratulations!

      Get a good pool alarm. In addition to a fence, safety rules, etc., it will let you know if anyone (or even an animal) falls into the pool.

    13. Jenny F. Scientist*

      Just as a general water and play rule we have for our kids: no playing games that are unsafe/ that the other person doesn’t want to play. So that rules out holding other people under, etc. (Generally applicable to life!)

    15. Anonymoss*

      I’m not a parent, but I am a childcare provider and extremely cautious about water safety. I agree with locked fences and other security measures. When children are in the pool itself, especially young children or ones that are not yet proficient swimmers, an adult needs to be designated to be watching the kids- this means NOT on their phones, reading, gabbing, or drinking.

      Good luck with your adoption journey!

      1. Not Yet A Parent*

        Thank you! Adults definitely need to not to be distracted when kids are playing around water.

    16. Indie*

      I would assume that any rules are going to be broken. Older kids who you didn’t raise are going to be rules breakers. Their guests are going to be new to the rules. I would rely on locks/covers etc far more than rules. I am teaching a lovely boy who set off his grandmother’s panic alarm just to see what would happen, days after being told it would summon both cops and paramedics.
      We had a young toddler guest fall into my parent’s pond hours after explaining the hazard to everyone, including her parents, and blocking off the path to it. She went for it through some flower beds because water + child = magnet. Luckily we were all right there and it was shallow enough for her to get a footing. Id personally keep it covered/drained while you learn more about the kid and they learn more about rules. Not to mention that many looked-after children are going to be weird about nudity, water and defiance.
      It’s super exciting though. Another of my students had a vile early childhood and has blossomed with his new family.

      1. Not Yet A Parent*

        Thank you! Good points. Even kids you did raise are going to break rules. Becoming parents is exciting and scary at the same time. So glad the toddler was ok!

    17. Middle School Teacher*

      Have you checked with your city? There are probably very specific safety regulations you will have to follow that are clearer or better than anything we could suggest. A quick google search for my city says that any home with a pool has to have a fenced yard with a lockable gate and that the pool itself also must be surrounded by a fence, minimum height 6 feet, also a lockable gate. The gates must able to be alarmed, the pool cover has to be designed for the pool, can be secured and alarmed (so you can’t just throw a tarp on the pool).

      As far as swimming rules I think you’re on the right track, but as Rebecca says above, it’s a thing in Canada (at least parts of Canada) that if a child drowns in your pool you can be on the hook for that, so better safe than sorry.

    18. Vincaminor*

      Unless the pool is truly dinky, I’d suggest a reach pole along each side, so there’s one always to hand. Ring buoy with attached rope at the deeper end. If it’s a ladder in and out, rules about always facing the ladder climbing it. No jumping/diving unless it’s at least 1.5 meters deep (5 feet), or the depth of their whole body with arms stretched up. Nth the fence around the pool with locked gate when you’re not home. And yeah, learning to swim and almost more importantly, float and tread water.
      (Am lifeguard. I may be hyper vigilant, but no one drowned from being over prepared!)

      1. Quandong*

        One final recommendation: get a large, easily read, outdoor sign with the steps for how to resuscitate, and attach it to the pool fence / where everyone can see it.

        Even people who haven’t learned how to resuscitate can follow these signs when necessary to save a life.

    19. Sami*

      Growing up, my sister and I frequently played with a neighbor friend who had a pool. Her parents found a sign somewhere and immediately put it up. “Welcome to our ool. You’ll notice it has no p in it. Please keep it that way.”

    20. Nana*

      Remove the diving board. I didn’t realize it, too, was a kid magnet. In the shallow end with an adult friend and three kids…looked up and the fourth kid [a non-swimmer, aged 5] was bouncing on the diving board. [Happily, we walked back to dry land when asked…and DH took the board off that day.]

  6. GMN*

    This weekend I am prepping our apartment for sale as my boyfriend and I bought a house! We have a photographer coming Monday so it needs to be spotless by then. Just had a look at the other comparable apartments on the market here and got a little scared…any tips on selling and styling for a sale would be welcome!

    1. Not Yet A Parent*

      That’s exciting! Congratulations! I’d suggest taking any personal photos down and generally decluttering and cleaning. Have beds made, put any bathroom sink items out of sight (hairspray, makeup etc).

      1. StellaBella*

        Me Echo this – stage it as a model home – remove all personal stuff, all clutter, clear off all surfaces, leave one vase with fake flowers in a space/on a table as a centre piece. Clear off literally all surfaces and if you can make the storage in like cupboards in kitchen sparse (same for closets, etc). dust and clean everything – including closet floors and shelves, and tops of doors and frames, tops of bookshelves etc. if you have curtains, get them cleaned or wash them and iron them – or if you have blinds clean them well in the shower and rehang them. Scrub the floors (vacuum) and baseboards and dust the coving on ceiling if you have it. Do the windows inside and out. When I staged my house for sale I had the carpets cleaned as well as all of the above, and got new nice house plants in lovely pots (3 of them, placed to make the place look inviting). Finally also, air the place out or keep a window cracked open a bit if possible, to keep air flow going in the place, to make it welcoming and not stale. If you have a balcony or outside spaces clean the balcony floor/tiles, railings, etc and organise/clear off the furniture too. Good luck and yay for your new house – so exciting!

        1. Lcsa99*

          I also agree with opening a window and letting in fresh air BEFORE you have any possible buyers see it, but do not leave it open while they are there. It is March – if you have a window open in the middle of winter they will worry that you are trying to hide something – musty carpet smells, smokers in other apartments , or even in yours. It was something we worried about every time we saw open windows.

      2. Lcsa99*

        Actually I disagree. Do get rid of clutter but don’t take down personal photos. It makes it easier for the buyers to see themselves in a place that is more homey than in something that looks like a showroom. I wouldn’t leave enough up that the wall is essentially papered with photos, but don’t sanitize it of all personal touches.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          When my family sold my mother’s house, the realtors suggested art&photos that don’t show people. So they picture _themselves_ there instead of wondering about the people in the pictures.

          1. Marion Ravenwood*

            On that note, I’d suggest nothing with names or other identifying features either – nameplates on kids’ bedroom doors, any sort of artwork featuring birthdays/wedding dates/previous addresses etc.

        2. Marion Ravenwood*

          Agreed. I think there can be a level of personal stuff that’s too much – so not covering every square inch of space in knick-knacks or family pictures – but I wouldn’t remove absolutely all of it. When we were looking at houses, being able to see what it would actually look like as a home and how to use the space was massively helpful, and the personal touches helped with that.

    2. Brandy*

      Take out as much furniture as you can. Put it in closets or a storage unit. Clear all surfaces. This means tucking your microwave, coffee maker, toaster etc in a cabinet or closet.

      Take down all personal photos. Empty bookshelves except for a few decorative books.

      When we sold our first house (1000 sq ft, 2 BRs), we put an arm chair, two end tables, the top to our kitchen hutch, one of our two dressers and about 15 boxes of stuff (books, liquor, rarely used kitchen tools and appliances, off season clothes, seasonal decor etc) in storage. The photos came out amazing. Nobody could see that the dog bowls and bed were stuffed into a closet, that the microwave and toaster were hidden in an upper cabinet etc. made the whole house look enormous. FWIW sold in 2 days ;).

    3. Not A Manager*

      Seconding advice to remove personalizing touches. Buyers want to see their family in the house, not your family.

      When you live in a home, unless it’s some kind of super-architectural gem, pretty naturally the house recedes to become a background for your stuff – your art, your furniture, your tchotchkes, your clutter. When you stage, you want to reverse this. Everything in the space should be a foil for the space itself. You need just enough furniture in each room to convey the purpose of the room. Just enough art that the room looks inviting. Etc.

      Remove as many side tables, poofs, throw pillows as possible and then add back only enough to make the room look pretty.

      Clean out cabinets and closets as much as possible. Leave just enough stuff to convey the use of the space – literally one pretty bottle of olive oil, two cans of fancy tomatoes, and a box of pasta is enough for a small cupboard. Remove half your clothes from the closet, put all your remaining clothes on matching hangers, and sort them by color. It sounds bananas, but it looks great.

      The effect is that people subtly imagine that if they move in, THEIR lives will be well-organized and uncluttered. It makes a difference.

      1. ThursdayEveningChild*

        Yeah, when I was house hunting and saw clutter and personal stuff I always wondered whether they were serious about selling. But tricks like warming cinnamon in the oven to make it smell like apple pie and leaving a favorite recipe card in a holder on the counter were great touches in houses. Is there a better equivalent for a city apartment? Generic pretty things displayed and hung, not personal photos.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I am not a storage unit person for general life stuff, but this is a time it makes sense. Nothing makes your home appear uncluttered quite like hiding all the clutter in a separate location.

      1. just a random teacher*

        A storage unit also lets you keep anything of sentimental value out of harm’s way while your house is being shown. In general, you should not have anything in your house that you would be devastated to have broken or stolen while your house is being shown. Particularly think about anything fragile and attractive to children not being around if it’s something you care about. (It’s fine to keep something fragile that you don’t care about, like a non-sentimental vase with flowers in it, on display if it helps stage the house, just make sure it’s something that you won’t be upset to lose if something happens.)

  7. Ruth (UK)*

    I was thinking about how fears (often irrational) of certain animals develop, especially recently as I have a fear that doesn’t seem to be that common in the UK (dogs) but also am not afraid of certain things many people don’t like (snakes, spiders, ‘creepy crawlies’ in general).

    For me, for dogs, I think it’s partly lack of positive interaction as a child with dogs. My dad is quite allergic, and also generally not keen on dogs, and my mother had an aggressive family dog as a kid, and is wary. None of my close friends had dogs. So, through witnessing my parents’ behaviour around them and not getting much interaction myself, I think it became a fear. I have a few instances where dogs have jumped up at me as a kid etc and I was very scared (my mother cites one time in particular where I was knocked down, after which I became much more actively afraid, though I don’t specifically remember it myself). While most kids will get a dog jump at them at some (or various) point(s), I think for me it was also that it was in the context of me also not having any other (more positive) interactions. I’m not deathly afraid of them as an adult, but I am definitely nervous. I will generally never pet a dog, and if approached by an off-lead dog, I usually stand still and don’t look at it, and hope it goes away.

    I know 3 other people personally who are afraid of dogs. One was attacked (badly) as a child. The other 2 are from India, and one of them said to me that when she came across dogs in India, they were typically stray and possibly rabid, and that’s affected how she feels about dogs.

    Now… my parents had a pond in the garden when I was a kid, which attracted frogs – and also an occasional grass snake. My mother loves frogs, and also likes snakes. I used to catch frogs (and re-release them) a lot as a kid. To this day, seeing a frog will make my react like “awww” (ie. I feel they are very cute) and wanting to hold it – though these days I usually don’t unless it’s in a position where I feel I need to move it (eg. I had one in my tent one morning when I woke up last summer). I feel fairly neutral on the topic of spiders (we don’t have venomous ones here. I would feel different I guess about one that could hurt me. But the appearance/look of them doesn’t scare me. Same for snakes).

    I recently had a dog jump repeatedly at me while I stood very still and stiff, and said to the owner “sorry, I’m afraid of dogs”. “Oh she won’t hurt you!” the owner said cheerfully, not restraining the dog. It made me wish I could carry about a tarantula and put it on people and say “oh it won’t hurt you!” cheerfully back. Of course, I wouldn’t really do this (partly out of concern for injury to the spider).

    Also, I saw an off-lead dog go into a field of donkeys yesterday when I was out walking at lunch time. It jumped up at one and all the animals in the field (about 7 donkeys, and 2 horses) immediately WENT for the dog in full gallop. For the dog’s sake, I’m glad it got out of the field, but I hope the owner will learn to keep it on a lead around other animals like that. There have been some incidents recently with dogs and sheep in the local news… (also, the donkeys were LOUD as they went after the dog.)

    1. Sandy*

      I have a lot of sympathy for your Indian colleagues. I am a huge lover of dogs— in a North America and sometimes Europe. In the other places I have lived, non-domesticated dogs are usually rabid and the domesticated ones are trained to guard the house and go for the throat. Not a fan!

    2. Eleanor Rigby*

      Also UK…lots of people have a fear of dogs. It’s actually quite common so not as unusual as you think. At least a third of children are, and most likely, a significant amount of them will have it in adulthood also.

      1. WakeUp!*

        Yes, this is very mysterious to me. Many many people are afraid of dogs. It’s unclear if Ruth’s fear rises to a phobia, but if it does she wouldn’t be alone. It’s well-documented as one of the most common animal phobias.

        1. Ruth (UK)*

          I don’t think mine is a phobia. In fact, I think it’s maybe not even in the category of full fear but more a nervousness/wariness. I’m not blanket afraid of all dogs no matter what, but afraid when being approached by a dog I don’t know, especially when it’s not on a lead. It’s enough that I might make small adjustments to my behaviour in the moment, like pausing if I was out running, or giving a wider berth but not enough that I would adjust large parts of my behaviour / routine, like a avoiding whole areas / parks. I feel worried but not panicked.

    3. Lady Jay*

      I recently had a dog jump repeatedly at me while I stood very still and stiff, and said to the owner “sorry, I’m afraid of dogs”. “Oh she won’t hurt you!” the owner said cheerfully, not restraining the dog.

      Oh, I’m afraid of dogs (which is as weird in the US, where I live, as the UK) & this happens to me too. What’s also irritating is something that happened last fall, when I was out on a run: two big dogs (but fluffy, they weren’t mastiffs or Rottweilers or anything) ran up to me and in front of me. I stopped & stood still, hoped the neighbor would call off his dog–but he stood there, calling to them from the porch, and they didn’t come!.

      What bothers me about this is that dogs are so popular in the UK/US that people seem to forget they can do great harm, even unintentionally (I was knocked over as a child by a dog trying to play with me) and as a consequence, people don’t take proper precautions to monitor how their dogs interact with people, by leashing and/or training effectively. It’s assumed that the dog’s comfort in not being leashed & getting to run in the woods outweighs whatever minimal discomforts other people who don’t want to be jumped on feel, or it’s assumed that of course everybody wants to see and play with your dog!! Neither assumption is really accurate.

      (Now, I happened upon a couple walking two puppies over Christmastime recently & got to pet the puppies. I will take more of those dog interactions, please!)

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        It bothers me a LOT when other dog owners dismiss fears. It doesn’t matter if my dog is friendly or the goodest boy who ever lived, if you’re scared, you’re scared. I appreciate it very much when people say, “I’m afraid of dogs” before we pass, because it gives me the opportunity to hold him off to the side, or give you a wider berth, or whatever, and it makes the interaction as calm as possible. My partner once chastised me for telling a scared child that I was holding on tight to my dog, because my partner thought that reinforced the fear, but I thought it was more important in the moment to reassure the kid, not try to fix him. But I have seen so many instances of, “Oh, but he’s so friendly!” and it doesn’t matter one iota to them that another dog may not be friendly, or may be leash-reactive, or that a person might be afraid.

        1. Anonforthis*

          Not to mention that many dogs have guarding instincts, so while they may be friendly to the OWNER, they may see other people as a threat.

        2. just a random teacher*

          I am so tired of the “but my dog is friendly” people. I have an elderly basset hound. She is a wonderful dog, but her vision and hearing aren’t great and her back will hurt if a dog jumps on her. She does not want to play with your dog, and she will nip at your dog if she gets startled or hurt by it. We walk her on-leash and do not take her to the clearly-lableled off-leash area. If we are stopped at the side of the trail with our dog on a very short leash, it is because we know OUR dog is not friendly for casual park encounters and I do not care that YOUR dog sees every creature on earth as a friend they haven’t met yet. (She does have doggy friends! We introduce them very carefully, with lots of chances for her to use her excellent sense of smell to figure out what is going on and not be surprised even if her vision and hearing aren’t giving her a lot of info, and not as random off-leash park encounters.)

        3. Venus*

          Agreed so much. “My dog is friendly” often doesn’t acknowledge that the dog may be slobbery, shedding a lot of fur, or dirty. I don’t want them rubbing up against me, or – even worse – jumping up! I have had large dogs run their head along my pants and had a wet slobbery spot for an hour.

          I have a dog who is friendly, in the way that he often ignores people but if there is a chance of food he’ll sit near them and look sad. So I know that this dog will not touch them, unless of course the person initiates (in which case he loves being pet). Yet I think it’s important to always respect other people’s space more than my dog’s. I wish more people felt this way!

      2. Bagpuss*

        It’s so rude and inconsiderate of people to let their dogs jump up on anyone
        – even if you aren’t afraid, not everyone will want to be jumped at, for a variety of reasons. I mean, I may not want to be jumped at because I don’t want muddy paw prints on my clothes, or for any number of other reasons.
        – if you are scared it’s irrelevant whether the owner thinks the dog won’t hurt you, both because fears are often irrational (I mean, I am terrified of ants, and they definitely can’t harm me ) and because they are often wrong – the dog which bit me did so as it’s owner assured me that it was friendly and wouldn’t hurt me, (and after I had asked them to please call it off)

        I think “please call your dog off” can sometimes be more effective that “I’m scared of dogs,” because it’s clear wht they need to do rather than why you want them to do it.

        1. Sam I Am*

          I was attacked by a dog I knew in a house I’m familiar with. I love dogs, but unknown, off leash dogs currently cause me to panic. I really like the language of “Please call your dog off,” as it puts the action on the owner; hopefully it means that I can hear the reassurance about how great their dog is after they have it under control.

          1. Venus*

            I occasionally meet up with dog owners who can’t read their dog’s body language when it threatens my dog (growling and snapping – sometimes people don’t see this as problematic, but I know that if my dog starts to growl then it’s his way of telling them that he’s unhappy and is preparing to defend himself).

            I use the wording “Please take your dog away now” and they usually look surprised and start walking away. It’s not great for initiating a conversation, but if they aren’t able to read obvious cues then I’m not keen to chat with them.

            The expression “call your dog off” isn’t prevalent here, and might confuse the situation as the owner might not know what to do. “Take your dog away” removes any ambiguity for me.

      3. Lissa*

        Yes, I agree especially with your third paragraph.. I understand that online it’s fun and trendy to say things like “all doggos are good bois!” and “dogs are better than humans!” but this shouldn’t translate to not taking people’s fears seriously or acting like they are monsters if they don’t like dogs. Or cats! Or anything really! The “I don’t trust people who dislike Thing I Love” is something people say casually but I think sometimes it does start to really permeate. Most animal mistreatment is committed by people who own pets, not random strangers who are scared of dogs, so that’s not really a reason to act like that either.

    4. Washi*

      I’m the same way! I had all kinds of little critters as pets as a kid and would often go out to catch worms and frogs, so I’m not afraid of rodents or creepy crawlies the way most people are.

      But I had limited exposure to dogs and on an instinctive level cannot tell the difference between an unfriendly or friendly bark. I don’t mind the jumping as much as I mind a dog galloping up to me while barking. I wonder if it is difficult to train a dog not to do that? I’ve had an issue more often in rural areas where the dogs are just running around off leash more often, and the dogs I see in the city seem less bark-y.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      This makes me wonder if a dog training center could offer a “scareless exposure” event, with only a few cuddle-loving sedate dogs on hand to meet. Maybe just puppies and the ones trained & certified for hospital therapy visits. Teach nervous people how to run a trained dog through her tricks, watch some silly agility games, and if they’re comfortable enough, walk a dog who knows how to heel. Maybe even an “advanced” session with a friendly but bouncy dog so people can learn how to behave to get them to back off.
      I DID grow up with dogs, but I’ve been badly scared by crazy dogs off leash so I can sympathize. Would any of these ideas be something any of you would be interested in?

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        For me, not really. It’s not that I don’t think dogs can be lovely and when it’s a dog I know, it’s fine. But with strangers’ dogs, I have no way of knowing what they’re like, and stuff. I had a (not sure about breeds – maybe retriever?) bite onto my sleeve a few years ago and shake it all around. There are individual dogs I have liked, but I don’t think I’ll ever be happy with an unknown dog. I also am a morris dancer and when out in the kit recently (eg. bells on shins) a dog started barking and growling at me. This is not an uncommon reaction…

        The only thing that would truly help me would be for me to be able to know that if someone has let their dog off the lead, it’s because the dog is well trained enough that it’s fine – that it’ll come when called, and won’t jump up uninvited. However, in my experience this extremely -not- the case

        It’s not even about size. I have a friend with a very friendly and well trained Rottweiler, and another who, until recently, had a Great Dane – both of which I was perfectly happy to be around eg. when visiting their home. It’s about the unpredictable nature of a dog where I don’t know the owner and don’t know how well the dog is trained and what it’s been taught is ok and not-ok behaviour with humans.

        I think what you suggest would be fine if I had a truly extreme fear/phobia where I was scared just to be near -any- dog no matter what… to overcome that. But I mean, I still run in public places / parks where I know people will have dogs. I don’t freak out / panic when one approaches me, I just don’t like how unpredictable they are repeatedly proven to be (every time I start to think they might be ok after all, I witness another dog-thing somewhere that makes me go ‘nope, never mind’)

        1. Argh!*

          You might benefit from spending time with a behaviorist at a dog park. Ask them to point out body language cues in the dogs around you. There are specific signs that would signal danger, and others that fearful people misinterpret as danger signs. It might help you not be as triggered in the future.

          1. anonagain*

            It sounds to me like the dog owners are the ones who need dog behavior consultations, not Ruth. It doesn’t much matter if the dog that was jumping on her was friendly, she still has a right to not have a dog jumping on her. That is a failure on the part of the owner who has a responsibility to keep their dog under control in public places.

            I am a dog lover through and through and I can’t stand when people let their dogs off leash. I’ve seen dogs chase wildlife and each other. I’ve seen owners distraught because their dogs ran away. I’ve also nearly been knocked over by off-leash dogs, because I have a balance disorder and I am unsteady on my feet. On one memorable walk, the only reason I didn’t topple over when a dog carrying a branch ran into me was because an elderly friend was walking with me and she took the brunt of the hit.

            I saw a discussion once about dog phobias among a group of service dog handlers. Someone said something very insightful: she said that when she meets someone who is afraid of dogs, she never tries to convince them to like or trust her dog. Instead she tries to communicate that she understands that they are afraid and that they can trust her. A big part of that is showing that she has full control of her dog and that she isn’t going to force the person to interact with the dog.

            I think that’s the piece that’s so often missing in these interactions. Dog owners often want to make other people like their dog. They tell you that she’s friendly, when they’d really be better off saying, “Oh, you’re afraid/allergic/don’t like dogs? No problem. I have her on a leash and I will keep her right at my side so you don’t have to go near her.”

            1. fposte*

              Oh, this is a really good comment, anon. I really like the observations that dog owners want people to like their dogs, and that that’s what drives the interactions.

              I was scared of cats as a kid because of unfamiliarity and an early interaction with one of those cats who bites you when he’s tired of the petting he sought out. It’s true that what changed me is getting to know cats and understanding their behavior better, so they were no longer unpredictable to me. But if tons of people had dropped their cats on me saying that they were friendly I doubt that that would have helped things.

            2. Reba*

              So many dog owners seem have serious blind spots about their pets’ behavior/level of training, and sometimes like an emotional or ego thing about people liking the dog, too?

              And even if your dog is perfectly trained and never bites or jumps or whatever, even if she is the friendliest creature on earth — I don’t know that! I don’t know you or your dog from Adam! Finally, the friendliness of your dog in no way obligates me to enjoy being near it!

              (I love dogs and can’t wait until I can have one.)

              It really bugs me when people in my own family let their dogs off leash where they shouldn’t, because other people using these parks should be able to go about without being molested by 70 pound mutts who are very happy to see them, or worrying about the dogs or changing their route to avoid possible interaction.

        2. Book Lover*

          I think this is perfectly normal – if a person has a dog off leash in the US outside of areas where off leash is allowed, why would you trust them to have appropriately trained their dogs? Being concerned in that situation is normal. People shouldn’t have their dogs off leash in random locations and people who don’t love dogs shouldn’t have to hire a dog behaviorist in order to figure out how much danger they are in. I have small kids – i don’t take chances.

          1. tangerineRose*

            I love dogs and grew up with them, but I’m still cautious around dogs I don’t know. I think that’s just common sense. Some dog owners are careless about their dogs. I think learning more about dog body language and the body language a human should and shouldn’t use around dogs can be helpful, since we can’t fix careless owners.

          2. Sally Forth*

            A friend of mine was knocked over by a dog when she was out running. She went into a deep ditch and was quite badly injured. She did not have her dogs with her. Although she wasn’t terrified of dogs after that, she noticed that her dogs would get really nervous and protective when they were around other dogs with her, and NOT when they were with her husband. A trainer said her dogs were perceptive enough to sense her fear and helped her through it.

        3. Lady Jay*

          I’d add that while these ideas are good for full-blown phobias, as Ruth mentions, it’s important not to put all the burden of change on the person who doesn’t like dogs. It’s courteous and responsible for dog owners to step up to the plate and take the proper precautions, such as leashing and training.

          Like Ruth, my discomfort around dogs isn’t so much a phobia of the creatures as the unpredictability of the situation; and any discomfort is greatly lessened if the dog is (say) leashed. From my understanding, dogs prefer knowing what’s happening in a situation too, and may feel more comfort with a leash, especially if there are other dogs in the area.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      You have a good handle on the chain of events that built your fear of dogs. This is how we get many of our fears, someone plants a seed, the idea gets reinforced and sometimes something scary happens that reinforces everything.

      I have heard a few people say, “Oh, I need to be quiet, I don’t want to plant seeds in that person’s head.” One time was my aunt taking her daughter for swim lessons. She wanted her daughter to grow up without being loaded up with fears. My cousin did fine in the water. My aunt who was viewing from the sidelines, not so much.

      For me it was big trucks in heavy traffic. My mother had been rear ended by a cement mixer before I was born. Every time we were in traffic and there was a big truck she would gasp. Every. single. time. Fast forward, I was 20 and I was afraid of big trucks in heavy traffic. It took me on into my 40s to quit tensing up.

      But you are so right, we teach each other. I got bit by my own dog when I was 5. I already knew the dog and loved her. My parents yelled at the dog then yelled at me. She was in time out for three days. (She had plenty of food and water and she was let outside,but she was not allowed to hang out with us.) I ended up feeling sorry for the dog. I got through that because I had so many people around me role modeling positive relationships with dogs.
      From there I developed strong opinions about handling dogs basically because of my parents’ missteps. We go out into public and my dogs are not allowed to even touch other people or their belongings without my permission. That’s a little strict but we don’t help others to feel safe if we don’t control our animals. And animals won’t have positive interactions with people when the animal has bad behavior. I do enjoy seeing my dogs have a happy exchange with other people.

      Now if there is a frog or a snake around, I am so done. I caught my dog playing with a frog. I somehow found it in me to shoo the frog away, before he tried to pick it up. I don’t like anything that flicks around. Bats are the worst for me. I saw a snake “run” once. I did not know they could move like that, it moved like a serpent in the sea humping up in the middle. This was not helpful for me. (It’s okay if you laugh at the running snake. We thought it was carrying eggs. Interesting but not really.)

    7. MissDisplaced*

      I’m afraid of mice! It’s because my brother used to terrorize me by killing them and hanging them over my bed.
      Some snakes can be poisonous here, so as kids you’re generally told to stay away from them, which instills fear of them generally. I imagine it’s similar for spiders.
      That’s funny about the donkeys. We don’t think of them as being aggressive, but they must’ve felt threatened by the dog to do that. I’ve never really seen that before except with feral horses.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        We do have some venomous snakes here – adders. But they’re rare and especially not found much in my area of the country. They’re rare enough that we generally do not have to teach children to be wary of snakes. Though having said that – a nest of them was once found on my school field when I was a kid!

        With the donkeys, I’ve also never seen anything quite like that, and I walk past fields of horses / donkeys / cows / etc many days of the week. I’ve not seen such a sudden and dramatic reaction from a whole group before.

      2. kc89*

        wow that was nasty of your brother!

        reminds me of my mom’s fear of snakes, she thinks it started when she was a child jumping on the trampoline and some neighborhood boys threw some live wild snakes on the trampoline with her

        2. char*

          Yikes! I love snakes, but I would still not want to suddenly find one on a trampoline with me!

      3. CatMintCat*

        I live in the Australian bush – in my part of the country there is no such thing as a non-venomous snake. We deliberately teach a healthy respect for/fear of snakes, and have cleared the playground more than once because of a snake (our school is surrounded by farmland, there are going to be snakes).

    8. Epsilon Delta*

      Loose dogs make me very nervous too, and I generally like or am neutral towards dogs. Especially if the owner is not in sight. I think it is fine to be cautious in that situation and tell the dog to sit if it approaches you. You need to keep your voice deep and firm, especially if you are a small woman like I am. Crossing to the other side of the road is sometimes an option as well.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Because of where I live, I’m often encountering dogs in areas of open field or wooded areas, or sometimes on path where I can’t easily leave (eg. I might be between a hedge and the fence of a field of eg/ donkeys), or often it’s when I’m running in a park or something. Actually, what freaks me out the most is hearing barking and then sort of vegetation-crashing noises (as though a not-small dog is running about close by) but not knowing where the owner is…

        The telling them to sit things is a good idea, I might try it. I kind of hadn’t thought about the fact that most dogs will know the words of commands like sit/stay (or also ‘no’) and might follow it (at least to some extent) if said by me.

        1. just a random teacher*

          Yeah, “sit” is a great “stop doing the thing you’re doing right now” command that most dogs know (since most things you want a dog to stop doing are hard for them to do while sitting). Iv’e had mixed results trying a sit command on random off-leash dogs that aren’t mine, but if a command from a stranger is likely to work, that’s the one they’re most likely to know.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        I am neutral about dogs, too, but a loose dog is a BIG problem. A near-attack from a neighbor’s dog taught me not to look at a loose dog for more than a couple seconds. Watch it from the corner of your eye and get some distance between you and it. Some friends carry mace because of loose dogs in our city. They’ve had to use it.

        1. tangerineRose*

          If I’m fairly close to a dog I don’t know well, I don’t turn my back on the dog, and I don’t run. But I also try to seem calm and not worried if I can. I do love dogs, and most dogs are sweet, but…

    9. LilySparrow*

      Here’s the thing – dogs jumping on people is social behavior (not an attack) but it is NOT friendly. It is the dog equivalent of a kid whacking you with a pool noodle. They are not trying to hurt you, they are demanding your attention in a rude and obnoxious way. But it isn’t affectionate or appropriate and you don’t have to put up with it.

      If an owner is not restraining a jumping dog, feel free to put your knee up to block them and tell the dog “NO” in a firm voice. It is startling to them but not harmful. It may not stop immediately, but it they are more likely to stop. And possibly it will shame the person into action.

      You are completely allowed to correct someone else’s dog from bad behavior toward you if they will not. Just like if their kid was whacking you – if the adult won’t do anything, speak to the culprit directly.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        See, here’s what annoys me – my younger dog is still jumpy, and I’m trying to train her out of it, but every damn person who comes in my house, when she jumps up and I tell her “No, down,” goes all “No, no, she’s fine!” and encourages her to keep jumping up. NO, SHE IS NOT FINE, THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. >:-(

        1. Lilysparrow*

          Yep. Happens with kids, too.

          “Tell Auntie thank you.”
          “Aw, she doesn’t need to thank me, look at that smile.”

          *Gritted teeth* “Yes. She. Does.”

    10. Anonforthis*

      I have similar experiences with dogs. My parents are also from South Asia, though I grew up in the U.S. What didn’t help also was that my neighbors did not train their dogs well, and they would growl aggressively at me and sometimes chase me down the street. Unfortunately, people in the U.S. are very judgmental towards people who don’t *love* dogs, not considering cultural differences or differences in upbringing. Since moving up north, dogs here are much better taken care of and my fear has subsided a bit, but I will never be easy around huge dogs.

      As far as irrational fears go, I’m totally freaked out by lizards and frogs/toads. If I ever saw a lizard in my room growing up, I would freak out and leave the room until my parents chased them outside! I read somewhere that people inherit fears and traumas from their ancestors, and I wonder if one of my ancestors got attacked by an alligator or something, and now I’m scared of the entire family/species.

      1. Doggone*

        I was attacked by a neighbor’s overprotective dog when I was 12. Fortunately I’d had mostly positive interactions before and made a real effort to not be traumatized by it. But I always remain suitably wary. Once a dog rushed my hiking partner and I where the trail passed close to the dog’s property. My startle-response was to immediately impersonate a bigger and meaner dog– louder, deeper, “I’m not kidding” barking. I must have gotten it right because the dog turned tail and ran! Lost my voice, but worth it.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Bill Bryson says that one of the differences between Americans and Brits is how they respond to the factoid “a number of walkers are killed each year by cows.” Americans wonder how you wind up in a field with cows ever, while Brits respond with some anecdote about a keen country walk that ended with feisty livestock with tramplin’ in their eyes.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        Haha, there are some routes around where I live where you would have to go VASTLY out of your way to avoid walking through fields of cows. I mean like literally having to have set off significantly earlier to get round the cow fields, not like ‘it’ll save me 5 minutes to cut through here’.

      2. Lilysparrow*

        I noticed this on a visit to Get many – our hosts just pulled over on a country lane and we got out for a walk. Not a park. Just across the fields and into some woods.

        We Americans were kinda shocked. Like, “is this okay? Do you know the farmer? Do we have permission?”

        They were like, “Who needs permission to go walking?”

        “Um, people who don’t want to get run off with a shotgun?”

        Total cultural divide.

        1. Wulfgar*

          I’m in America, and I grew up on a farm. We had random people hunt on our property. One person shot one of our Holsteins because he thought it was a deer. Holsteins are black and white.

          Some other guy was mudding and got stuck. He walked through our fields and asked my dad to pull him out. Dad said he would for whatever amount he thought was fair, and the guy completely freaked out. This moron was trespassing; he didn’t have any moral high ground.

        2. londonedit*

          In the UK you can only walk on public footpaths in the countryside unless you have the landowner’s permission, but there are huge networks of footpaths all through the countryside and most of them go through/around the edges of farm fields. So there will often be livestock! You just need to know to keep to the path/edges, keep dogs on leads, and walk calmly and steadily past any animals. And to close gates behind you and not drop litter!

        3. nonegiven*

          >“Um, people who don’t want to get run off with a shotgun?”

          People who don’t want to get charged by a bull.

    12. Lissa*

      Yeah, people are way more understanding of some phobias/fears/discomfort than others. It’s like “it’s more scared of you than you are of it!” when it comes to an insect/small animal – ok great but that doesn’t help! People fear all kinds of things that aren’t logically going to kill/hurt them – needles are one of the most common phobias ever for instance, but for some reason people take it personally when it’s about something they like personally.
      I have a mild dog fear but I think it’s reasonable honestly – dog attacks/bites are not all that rare and can be very serious. A loud barking dog sets off my fight or flight reflex – I’m a big walker and if I walk by a yard with a dog that suddenly starts barking its head off I can feel my heart rate rise. Smaller dogs or ones I know are OK and I don’t feel fear when I see a dog, but the barking makes me really uneasy.

    13. Indie*

      Bill Bryson is apparently attacked by dogs on a regular basis and he’s written a few times that the dog owner, instead of apologising, will get defensive or offended and say things like “you must have said something to him!” I think Bills comment was something like “That just knocks me out. What would I say to a dog?!”

      I love dogs but being afraid of unknown dogs, with inconsiderate owners is awfully similar to common sense.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        A friend of mine was bitten by a small dog while running in woodland recently and the owner denied the dog had down it… Despite the fresh bite mark and blood.

    14. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Growing up, I was terrified of cows and things that fluttered (birds, butterflies, etc). It was only later, as an adult, that I realized the cow thing was due to being chased by a calf who had escaped the barn at my uncle’s farm, while being dehorned (apparently that is a thing?). He had blood running down his face and was rubbing his head on the tire of the tractor on which I had taken refuge, but to my 5 year-old mind, I thought he was trying to climb up to eat me. The fluttering came to light while I was in m 30’s and happened to watch that Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds. Apparently I had seen it at a much too young age. Today I am happy to say that the only creatures I fear–and I don’t know if it is fear or intense hatred–are cockroaches. I would chase them around my apartment with a flame thrower, if I thought I could do it without burning down the place.

  8. Lemonwhirl*

    Y’all did such a great job helping me out with vegan recipes, hope you can provide similar advice on Gluten-Free cooking.

    We have a twice yearly tradition of inviting some of my husband’s college pals down for a long weekend, which is going to happen in a few weeks. I’ve taken to baking Nailed It-inspired cakes, because I love to bake but rarely get a chance and am very much at the Nailed It level. :) One of the pals has a new girlfriend, and she has gluten-intolerance.

    So a couple of questions
    1 – what’s the best flour substitute to use? Can I straight-up sub the flour for a different non-flour flour or do adjustments have to be made? I have a basic white cake recipe that I use for my nailed it baking but am open to recipes for GF cakes.
    2 – how worried do I need to be about cross-contamination and what’s the best way to avoid it?
    3 – Any recipes that can please/be adapted to please vegans, carnivores, and GF folks? I usually have a taco/burrito bar the first night then have a stir fry/curry the next night, both of which are easy to adapt, but I’m stuck for the third night.

    Thank you!

    1. Weegie*

      Gluten-free flour is mostly not that great, so a straight substitute, especially in cakes, usually won’t work. GF cakes generally use GF oats (they have to be GF oats specifically: regular oats are often contaminated with wheat or barley), ground almonds or rice flour and are often delicious! (caveat: some intolerant folks also can’t handle oats – best to check.)

      I’d advise googling GF recipes rather than trying to adapt existing favourites: the BBC Goodfood site has some great ideas – just Google ‘BBC goodfood gluten-free’ and see what comes up.

      Cross-contamination can be an issue – less so if the person is intolerant rather than coeliac, but it’s worth using a separate chopping board, utensils, etc during food prep.

      The thing people never think about, though, is to watch out for stuff that you don’t think has gluten in it but does! E.g. soy sauce, certain types of vinegar, pretty much anything that comes in a bottle, jar, or packet! Read all labels carefully every time.

      One final thing: check directly with your guest what she’d like you to do & if she’d prefer to bring some of her own food and/or help you with the cooking. I’ve lost count of the times people go overboard to try to accommodate me (without checking first) but get something wrong & then I can’t eat the food anyway. Everyone ends up feeling bad and I feel like a burden. Ask!

      Good luck!

      1. just a random teacher*

        Yeah, people with complicated food intolerances may really not want to eat homemade things made by someone they don’t know well, because it’s really easy to overlook some detail and end up getting sick. After you get sick a few times despite well-meaning people trying to accommodate you, you tend to just not eat in those situations anymore. It’s not about you, and please don’t have your feelings hurt if it happens. I HATE it when someone I don’t know well tries to make something special for me, since I’d really rather not be put on the spot about eating something.

        I would generally talk to such people before they came over, and offer to cook for them, suggest the location of a nearby natural foods store that I would also be able to instead buy premade things from (if they were going to be a houseguest I’d generally plan a grocery-shopping trip with them for the first day so I could be sure they’d have things to eat at my house), and let them know they could bring their own foods (as long as those foods didn’t contain my own not-in-the-house level allergen). Whichever they were comfortable with is what I’d do. Usually, after they saw me cook a few times (and knowing that I was a label-reader myself due to my own allergies) they’d be willing to try homemade things I’d cooked because they knew by then that I understood what they, specifically, could and couldn’t have and that I understood about cross-contamination issues and reading ingredient labels rather than just guessing, but it’s not something I’d push.

        (I am severely allergic to a vegetable that is also dried and sold as a powdered spice. I make a LOT of savory things from scratch as a result. I wouldn’t try to make food for celiacs in my kitchen just because I bake with wheat flour daily and it’s not worth the risk of even tiny amounts of cross-contamination from flour dust, but other issues I can generally accommodate once I’m sure I understand the parameters.)

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          I would actually be so relieved if she just wants me to buy pre-packaged foods or for her to bring her own foods. I have an anxiety issue that tends to fixate on accidentally hurting other people. Grocery shopping together is probably not possible, given that it’s a short visit and we live in a very rural place, so going to where the best health food store is would eat up most of the day. But it’s a great idea if someone with a serious issue is ever going to stay for a while!

      2. Lemonwhirl*

        Thank you so much. I just texted our friend to ask about his girlfriend’s condition and what she would prefer. I also appreciate the education on flour – I was using GF-flour to mean stuff like almond flour. I didn’t realise there was actual regular flour that was GF.

    2. Lucy*

      The Hummingbird Bakery classic chocolate brownie is very easily made gluten free if you remove the 130g plain flour and sub in 175g cornflour. Check labels of other ingredients but otherwise this is my go-to gf recipe as it’s completely delicious and the texture isn’t odd to gluten eaters. If you need it more desserty, serve with cherry pie filling and whipped cream for a Black Forest vibe.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Could also go for a straight-up flourless chocolate cake – they’re popular with GF folks and non alike :)

        1. Indie*

          I really like both flourless cake and pavlovas because a) it’s obviously gluten free and b) it’s less of a special accommodation and avoids everyone having to eat GF flour which is an acquired taste at best.

      2. Someone Else*

        Although if the recipe is for someone with severe celiac, corn flour (even certified GF corn flour that’s sure to not be cross contaminated) may not be acceptable. There are some studies that suggest some folks with very severe celiac have also had reactions to corn in general. So some people who have very severe reactions avoid corn across the board.

        1. Lucy*

          You definitely need to check the person’s full dietary requirements, yes! OP says “gluten intolerant” rather than allergic or celiac so I think it likely this recipe will be safe this time – it’s a favourite of a gluten-intolerant-with-many-other-intolerances-and-allergies-on-top family member of mine.

          1. Lemonwhirl*

            Don’t give me too much credence :) – I actually went with gluten intolerance because I wasn’t sure how to say celiac. I think it might be a full celiac issue, but again, I’m checking with our friend. I understand the distinction now (and would’ve treated intolerance and allergy as the same thing. I spent a large part of my life afraid of a certain food, and falling victim to people pranking me by putting this food into their cooking and then telling me after I’d eaten it. Which always felt very mean. So I always take people’s dietary requirements super-seriously and treat everything as “a cannot” rather than a preference.)

        3. one boring hapa*

          Severe and sensitive Celiac here, it’s not typically corn that’s an issue unless the person has other allergies (not uncommon). Our thing to avoid is possibly oats since it’s often contaminated with wheat.

    3. Marzipan*

      The thing to bear in mind about gluten is, it acts in an elastic-y sort of way. So, when you make a dough or batter or whatever, gluten is a big part of what helps it stay risen when it rises, and have the texture you’re probably expecting it to have. Gluten-free flours, therefore, generally won’t behave in the way you’re expecting flour to behave, if you just switch them for regular flour.

      Things like ground almonds can be great for making gluten-free cakes, although these will often involve eggs. I think the main advice I’d give is, go for (or come up with) a recipe where the textural aspect won’t be a big issue. Squadgy things like brownies, say, could work really well.

      2. Yum*

        Yes, I’ve made GF brownies with almond flour and I swear you can’t tell the difference. A thing to remember about cross contamination: do you ever try to limit how many measuring cups you dirty by first measuring the regular flour (for your own baking, not GF baking) and then take the same cup and plunge it into your sugar? Well, then you just got flour into your container of sugar. I’ve had to really try not to ever do this, since I don’t know when I’ll be baking for my GF boyfriend. And also things like, don’t make myself a piece of regular toast and then go cut up the GF treats. You have to wash your hands first because you touched regular bread. I haven’t really made GF cake since that seems pretty tricky, but cookies, blondies and brownies made with either GF white flour or almond flour or a combo of the two work really well. I’ve also been told that strainers are impossible to completely clean, so don’t drain GF pasta in your regular colander. You’ll need a separate colander.

        1. Kuododi*

          I have a lovely nephew who is gluten intolerant and my equally brilliant niece is allergic to peanuts. I have gotten pretty adept at baking treats GF & peanut free for the kids regular visits. I did discover that the almond flour is an excellent suggestion for treats, it is unfortunately quite expensive. So needless to say, if one is baking on a tight budget, better to go with a different flour. Best wishes!

        2. Lemonwhirl*

          Thanks for the tips for avoiding cross-contamination, especially on the colander. I’m fairly careful, but my kid isn’t always as careful. (And I’m trying to inculcate him with better habits because one of his close friends is allergic to wheat. But so far, for play dates, I’ve only been comfortable getting packaged snacks for this kid.)

    4. Anona*

      Budget bytes has a chicken chimichurri and rice that’s delicious, and was loved by a GF friend. You could do the chicken on the side for vegan folk.

      Ooh, budget bytes also has a recipe for Mediterranean hummus bowls. It would lend itself well to dietary restrictions, since like tacos you could do a bar with a bunch of options- ground meat, homemade hummus (so easy and tasty, if you have a blender or food processor), feta, olives, red onion, rice, lettuce, etc.

    5. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Bob’s Red Mill makes a really nice 1 for 1 replacement GF flour. If you’re only “visiting” GF baking, I wouldn’t recommend navigating the balancing act of buying lots of weird flours and blending them yourself.
      You might be better off investigating a few good local stores who have GF products and taking your GF friend in the first day or so of the visit… then they can find the things that will work and maybe a few to try.

      Also, if it’s an allergy/ celiac… cross contamination is real.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        If it’s an allergy or celiac, I wouldn’t serve a person anything made in my kitchen. The risk of cross contamination is so great; I can’t guarantee that nothing will go wrong. I have a few friends who are very allergic to dogs and I will not drive them anywhere nor invite them to my house, and their allergies only give them watery eyes, sniffles, and hives! There’s just no way to get everything clean enough. I have one friend with celiac disease who I would love to invite over and cook for, but I won’t take the risk.

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          Yes, I’ve sent a text to find out how severe the issue is. If it’s really bad, I might err on the pre-packaged food side. I am a chronic worrier and I really don’t want to make anyone sick.

      2. Lemonwhirl*

        Thanks for the tip – I’ve seen red mill flour before, so good to know that it’s decent.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      When I went GF for a year (first step after asking dr about symptoms that might have been celiac), I found that baking was awful. I was much happier with flour-free desserts like ice cream, chocolate fudge, and sweet fruit salads.

    7. Madge*

      Use a King Arthur Flour box mix for the cake. They’re very good and they work. Plus you won’t have a bunch of flours to use up.

      How about a chili for the third night? Start with a vegan recipe and have meat as a condiment. You could bake a gluten free cornbread mix and use a flax egg and the nut milk of your choice to make it vegan. I like Bob’s Red Mill’s gluten free mix.

      Also, make your own taco seasoning mix. Most commercial ones contain wheat and other fillers.

      As for cross contamination, that really depends on the person. You’re best off talking to the girlfriend.

      1. Madge*

        Oh wait, the cake has to be vegan too? Do a test run of the cake mix. KAF mixes work best when you don’t mess with the recipe or the process so I don’t know how it will work with vegan ingredients. Otherwise I’d start with a vegan cake recipe and substitute KAF’s gluten free flour. And do a test run of that as well before your guests arrive. Gluten free baking just isn’t as fool proof as wheat baking.

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          Happily, the cake does not need to be vegan! I am plant-based for health reasons, not ethical reasons. I have to be careful with some stuff (like milk) because I’ve been off it long enough that it will make me sick if I eat it, but if an egg is cooked into a cake, it’s not a huge deal. The dinners need to be vegan or vegan-accommodating.

      2. Indie*

        Sweet potato wedges are great with chilli. I just coat the wedges in olive oil, oregano, paprika and cumin seeds before baking for 40 mins but any spice mix will do.

        A word on pre mixed spices though; it will contain flour! Why I dont know. So do stock cubes. When OP has her ingredients gathered on her countertop she should check labels, even on her standby things for baking because it’s sneaky. Single spice jars and jelly stock cubes are usually ok. Sub soy sauce for tamari sauce though.

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          I’ve seen gluten-free stock cubes, so I’ve mentally filed those away as one of those tricky things. Thanks for the tip on spice mixes!

      3. Lemonwhirl*

        Thanks for the tip on the cake mix – that brand does not seem to be stocked where I am, but the next time I’m in the nearest city, I’ll look for it in the co-op.
        Chili could definitely work – thanks for the idea. (And I’ve texted our friend a bunch of questions and told him he can give my number to his girlfriend.)

    8. HeatherB*

      Check out the vegan gluten free cake recipes on Minimalist Baker. https://minimalistbaker.com/1-bowl-vegan-gluten-free-vanilla-cake/
      (Also ton’s of other great vegan recipes on that site). I’ve made the chocolate and vanilla versions as both cakes and cupcakes for numerous birthday parties. I never tell people that they’re gf and vegan and one lady came up and said, “that’s the best cake I’ve ever had”. For what it’s worth I used to be a pastry chef in a high end resort so I’ve made a lot of cake recipes and these are consistently good and easy to make.

    9. Teatime is Goodtime*

      My favorite baking recipe for my gluten free friends is NY cheesecake. I love cheesecake anyway and the gluteny-bits are minor enough that substitutes are easy. For the base, I use store-bought gluten-free cookies and make it exactly the same way as I would a normal crust (sometimes I do go a little bit lighter on the butter, but YMMV depending on your cookies). For the actual cheesecake, I sub out any flour for thickening with the same amount of either corn starch or potato flour. Then the usual slow baking and chilling and you’re done!

      Of course, cheesecake doesn’t work for vegans. For that situation, I usually just make two desserts and eat both. :P

      My favorite vegan baking recipe is scones, I think, just because they’re so easy and quick and simple. The recipe I use is basically just flour, baking powder, a little salt, a little sugar and coconut milk. Serve with your favorite jam and you’re set! Might be better for an afternoon tea sort of situation, or even late breakfast, but I think scones are never a bad plan. :)

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Ha! Even before I took up a plant-based diet, I never liked cheesecake. But a dessert I can’t eat is probably better for me anyway. :) Thanks for the tip on GF cookie base – we have a brand of great GF cookies that everyone loves.

    10. Brandy*

      We had my daughter on a GF diet for a while and i initially tried ton”replace” gluten. GF flour and GF bread items weren’t great (rice pasta, yuck).

      Eventually we just started learning more about what just doesn’t have gluten. We swapped quinoa or rice for pasta. Used aborro to make risotto in lieu of Mac and cheese. Crustless quiche. Rice chex, lucky charms, Cheerios are all GF. Popcorn is GF.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Seconding that you will often get better results with things that just are gluten free (rice, cheesecake) rather than things that normally have gluten (pasta, cake) and have been rendered gluten free.

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          Not unlike where I’ve found it is best to just eat stuff that’s designed to be meat-free than to mess around with meat substitute products, which are expensive, hard-to-find, and often don’t taste very good anyway.

    12. I Work on a Hellmouth*

      Hellllooooo, I have some links for yoooou! I love baking and have a friend with celiac disease, so I am always on the lookout for treats that she can also eat.

      Cake!
      https://joythebaker.com/2018/05/sweet-laurels-grain-free-chocolate-raspberry-cake/
      https://joythebaker.com/2009/03/gluten-free-lemon-almond-and-polenta-cake/
      https://joythebaker.com/2015/10/gluten-free-banana-bread-with-salted-caramel/

      I think she has some other gluten free cake recipes, but those are the ones I have tried. They are tasty!

      I also have a few pretty tasty gluten free cookie recs if you want them. Just let me know! :)

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Thanks so much for the links! It’s always nice to know that someone has had success with a recipe! (Also, I remember the Hellmouth letter so totally feel like a celeb has answered my question. :))

    13. Feral Academic*

      If you decide to get really into gf baking, I strongly recommend Alice Medrich’s _Flavor Flours_. I really dislike the texture of gf baked goods, but one roommate is celiac and the other has gone gf for her own reasons, and the recipes in there are the only edible gf baked goods I’ve had. Plus she tries to minimize xanthan gum, which is good for me (xanthan gum upsets my stomach a small amount, plus I dislike the texture).

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Thank you for the recommendation. It’s possible that I might do more GF baking, so it’s good to have a trusted source of recipes.

    14. Jaz*

      Arepas might be a good adaptable meal idea, although I know that pretty close to a repeat of tacos. We also do a lot of baked potato bars at our house (we often have one GF, one low-sodium, and two vegetarian guests).

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Thanks for both ideas – I had to google arepas – they look delicious. (Also, when you said “baked potato bar” – my brain was thinking like potatoes baked into bars, like blondies or something. It took me a few minutes to realise you meant it like a salad bar. :D)

    15. DuPont Circle Travel*

      I have definitely done cakes and other baking by just swapping the flour to a GF all purpose (Trader Joe’s and Bob’s Red Mill are my go-tos) but it can be a lot drier than you’re used to if it’s not a specified GF recipe. It depends on the recipe for sure, some have been really dry, some you couldn’t tell it was GF. I have also bought pre-made graham cracker crusts that were GF, allergen-free, and I think vegan(?) at the grocery store, so that’s a good option – I found it in the GF section in the baking aisle.

      I haven’t done much vegan baking, so I can’t help there, but there’s a chocolate cake on the blog Hummingbird High that I sub in GF flour and it’s still the most delicious, moist chocolate cake I’ve made/had. Search for naked hibiscus chocolate cake and it should come up.

      As for cross contamination, definitely wash things thoroughly and plan baking/cooking order carefully. Other people on this thread already have much more helpful contributions on this topic! Good luck and have fun!

    16. cat socks*

      I reccomend the blog Iowa Girl Eats for a variety of gluten free recipes. I don’t need to eat gluten free, but I’ve made a lot of recipes from the site.

    17. Falling Diphthong*

      If she is not allergic to peanuts, these are excellent cookies. I make them all the time for my allergy-free family.

      PB cookies:
      a bit under a cup of brown sugar
      1 egg
      dash vanilla
      a bit under a cup of peanut butter
      salted peanuts and/or chocolate chips to taste

      Whisk sugar and egg until smooth, add vanilla, add PB, mix until smooth. Add peanuts or chocolate if you are using. Scoop–this makes one large sheet–sprinkle with a bit of coarse salt if you like, and stick in the freezer to firm up while you preheat the oven to 350°. Bake for about 15 minutes.

      I’ll also recommend homemade pudding as a gluten free treat people rarely make themselves.

      For your point 3, I’d recommend a butterflied leg of lamb. (Can marinate or just salt and pepper.) Broil or grill the lamb–the weird shape should produce a variety of donenesses. Serve with some sort of vegan Mediterranean dish–I’m a fan of white beans with roast garlic. People can balance the lamb/bean mix to their liking. (I eat meat, but not a lot of it.)

    18. Falling Diphthong*

      One of the front page recipes on Smitten Kitchen is for molten chocolate cake, and she made it gluten free.

    19. London Jo*

      Speaking as a coeliac, who loves cake, I’d only feel comfortable eating a homemade gluten free cake, if I knew that the cook had opened fresh packets of all the ingredients to avoid cross contamination from earlier baking and had checked if the baking powder was gluten free. And also had lined the cake tin before baking. And all of that is a real pain for the cook, I know.

      I actually appreciate it more when someone serves a naturally gluten free desert, like good store bought vanilla ice cream and a homemade fruit salad. My go to special gluten free desert is … make some caramel in a saucepan, adding just enough water to dissolve it. Peel oranges with a knife and slice thinly. Arrange in layers in a nice bowl, pour over the dissolved caramel, add any orange juice left over after slicing and chill for a couple of hours.

      It looks like a lot of work went into it, but it’s super easy and tastes awesome with vanilla ice cream.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Thank you for the lovely recipe – that sounds delicious. And also thanks for sharing your experience. I am terrified of making anyone sick, so I appreciate hearing all of this.

    21. Thursday Next*

      My group dinner rotation includes a pasta bar: brown rice (GF) pasta, marinara sauce, various veggies to toss with the pasta and sauce, or with garlic and oil, or just eat on the side, Parmesan and vegan Parmesan, and meatballs (which I make but don’t eat—I’m a GF vegan with a weakness for cheese).

    23. one boring hapa*

      If you’re baking not-GF in your kitchen, do not make anything for the Celiac gf. Flour can and does sit in the air for at least 24 hrs and can cause a reaction in Celiac people. There’s not really a good way to avoid the cross-contamination.

  9. Pasha (she/her)*

    Three and a half years ago I went on two dates with this guy. We had a great time and I did like him, so I was a little sad/annoyed that he never asked me out again. But I didn’t try to contact him and I got over it soon enough. I started dating other people. It was all good.

    Last November I got a text from him saying he just suddenly thought of me and expressed regret in not pursuing me. He said he liked me and he didn’t know why he let me go. When we met, he was living in my country for work. He still works for the same company now, but in Europe. We exchanged pleasantries some more and that was that.

    Until last week, when he texted saying he’d just learned that he’ll be coming to my country for a week in a few months, for work. He asked if I’d like to go on a date with him. He asked if I was single. I am. He is too. He repeated that he did like me 3.5 years ago, that he thought I was engaging and funny and cute, and he would love to share a meal with me. But he did go on to reiterate, three different times in three different ways, that he’s not looking for a girl / anything serious / any complications right now. I figured, eh, I did enjoy his company, he’s only here for a week, he’s single (so he says) …so I said sure, let me know when you know the exact dates you’ll be here and we’ll go out.

    A week later and we’re still texting. Granted, nothing personal. To date, neither one of us has asked how the other is doing, he has no idea what I do for a living and doesn’t seem to care, we don’t know each other’s last names, and for all I know he’s not single. While he has asked if there was anything I wanted him to bring me from Europe, he seems to show little interest in me as a person. Apart from saying I’m engaging and funny and cute, he isn’t flirting with me, and I’m matching that also by being non-intrusive and platonic.

    Question: Is this a classic case of breadcrumbing? We didn’t even kiss 3.5 years ago and he knows that we will not be hooking up on his upcoming trip. (He knows I don’t have sex outside of marriage.) Is a fun date enough of a motivation for a guy to be breadcrumbing you?

    At this point I feel like I’m not likely to go out with him beyond the one time, because I am a LTR kinda person and he isn’t (right now), plus he doesn’t even live here, so why waste my time. I’m a firm believer in taking someone at face value so I’m not secretly hoping to change his mind. But if he were to ask me out again after that initial date – bearing in mind he’s only here for a week and theoretically I enjoyed the first date as much as he did – would it be worth going out with him again for the fun of it, knowing full well he ain’t it? I’ve never dated anyone for fun, and would love some thoughts.

    1. Namey McNameface*

      He sounds like a time waster.

      If he liked you enough, he would have gone out of his way to contact you 3 years ago.

      1. Pasha (she/her)*

        You’re not wrong. He definitely wasn’t that into me then and he’s probably just bored now. :)

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          But I think that’s the right attitude on your part. If you figure he’s bored and it might be a pleasant evening, that’s a much better set of expectations than “He wouldn’t do this if he wasn’t feeling deep emotions for me–emotions so deep they scared him away 3 years ago.”

          1. valentine*

            I wouldn’t go. He’s trying too hard to reconnect and it’s a textbook hookup scheme. (Also, have you defined terms? Does he carry condoms, Plan B, and Ella?) Who does all this for a second first date years later?

            If you catch feelings, they’re almost entirely a fantasy. You’re not going to know him this soon, with such sparse and pointed communication.

            You can save yourself all this bother and both of you can just date new people.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’m not sure what the point of this is for you.

      For him, it’s probably just to have something to do in your town other than eat alone and be in a hotel room.

      If you like playing random host for a tourist for the night, feel free to go out for dinner.

      Doesn’t sound like a date though and with how much headspace it’s already taking up for you, I’m not sure it’s in your best interest to see him.

    3. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      If you want to pass some time with someone newish, as a change from your routine, go for it. Try out a restaurant you’ve been hearing about, visit a few tourist spots.

      If you think all interactions with dating-potential humans need to be cogitated on to all possible relationship statuses, you may want to pass. You haven’t even shared last names or occupations, for goodness sakes.
      However, if you want to practice no-pressure dates with near strangers, then this is the guy for you. It could be a nice way to pass some time.

      1. Pasha (she/her)*

        No-pressure dates sound like fun. I’m thinking I could manage one… Just gotta make sure I remember I have standards/boundaries and not agree to a second date if he asks. I hate to admit it but I get attached very quickly. Knowing he liked me/remembering I liked him, possibly having a good time with him on this date…I could catch feelings. *gulp*

        1. Quandong*

          Given your propensity to get attached very quickly, I recommend that you stop contacting this guy pronto. Do not meet him at all.

          I think he’s setting you up as a convenient person to spend time with when he’s in your city, and it’s extremely likely he wants to hook up. Don’t assume he is uninterested due to the lack of interactions you’d expect from a person who wants to hook up.

          If you want to date for fun, find someone else to do that with.

    4. alex b*

      My dense self had to look up “breadcrumbing,” but yeah– that sounds exactly like what’s going on. I think he’s hoping you’ll change your mind and hook up with him on his trip. You take people at face-value, but he probably doesn’t and thinks he’s so great he can get you into bed despite your stated personal code (or possibly he’s forgotten that it’s your personal code).
      Do you think you’re going to go? Is he someone you can safely reject?

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I guess that’s possible but it seems more likely he said to himself “I’m going to be in X town and bored… who can I have dinner with?”

        Assuming he’s trying to hookup is sort of attributing the worst possible motives. And Pasha said he wasn’t being flirty or personal – if he was trying to sext her, that’d be different.

        I still don’t think it’s a great idea though. He seems to be about finding someone to eat with and she’s thinking it’s some sort of complex dating situation. Seems like a mismatch in motives and investment to me.

        1. alex b*

          He asked if LW was single and indicated his singleness, sent 3-yr-late compliments including “cute,” and called the invite a “date.” Sorry that’s a booty call.

        2. Pasha (she/her)*

          I actually think he’s shooting for both a booty call AND someone to have dinner with. Getting me to go out with him accomplishes at least one of his goals. If he manages to charm me into bed as well, that’d be a bonus for him. :)

          Basically, if I do go out with him, I need to not forget that this is just a dinner and not to expect anything more…

          1. alex b*

            Yes– he’s advertising vividly that he’s not going to be your boyfriend. I’m not clear what you out of interactions with him, since you say you’re not into a fling or romp. Why would you see him?!

            1. Pasha (she/her)*

              …I guess I’m bored too and thinking that going out with a cute guy from 3.5 years ago would be fun. *sheepish smile*

              1. alex b*

                No shame in that! Go for it! Just be really clear on your boundaries and how to enforce them. :)

        3. neverjaunty*

          Thinking the guy is hoping he might get a hook-up is not “the worst possible motive” you could attribute to him, sheez.

          He’s probably figuring that it’ll be fun to hang with her and maybe he’ll get a hook-up and if he doesn’t, no harm in trying.

      2. Nicole76*

        That’s my gut instinct as well. Perhaps he’s just looking for something to do to pass the time, but I also think it’s likely he thinks he can charm you into bed.

        Personally, if someone wasn’t showing any interest in me as a person, I wouldn’t even want to have dinner with him.

      3. Pasha (she/her)*

        He hasn’t forgotten my personal code. :) I brought it up and he admitted that he was “not against the idea of hooking up, but not obsessed with it either.” So unless I allow myself to forget *my own* personal code, he knows all he’s getting is dinner.

        I haven’t decided if I’m gonna go, but if I do, it will be in a public place, and I will not go to his hotel room or anything. So hopefully there is no need to fear for my safety.

        1. Parenthetically*

          o.O

          He’s 100% trying to get into your pants. He doesn’t know your last name, ask questions trying to get to know you, know or seem to care anything about you… why would you want to be FRIENDS with someone like that, much less go on a date with him? Especially when he’s pretty transparently trying to hook up?

          2. WakeUp!*

            Eh, I think you’re reading a lot into what OP wrote. It sounds like *neither* of them has asked the other any personal questions or tried to get to know each other. Which makes sense for what sounds like one date and a hypothetical one night stand. It’s not like she’s showing all this interest in him and he’s blowing her off.

            1. Parenthetically*

              Sure, I’m just saying, if she isn’t interested in a hookup, and he isn’t interested in a relationship, then what’s the point of going out at all, since he doesn’t seem to care about her as a friend and is pretty obviously trying to get laid?

              1. Karen from Finance*

                The possibility of a good time, I think. Which doesn’t necessarily have to involve sex or relationships.

                2. Karen from Finance*

                  I know, it actually is risky. I was trying to express that I guess why one would still have something to gain from the experience.

        2. neverjaunty*

          No, he doesn’t “know” all he’s getting is dinner. He heard what you said, and he’s choosing to ignore it because he wants to sleep with you. I mean:

          You: I don’t have sex outside of marriage
          Him: I’m ok with us having sex! but I won’t be obsessed with it!

          ….and when you’re only ‘hoping’ that a dude may not be dangerous that is a sign that you’re trying to talk yourself into ignoring a bad situation.

        3. Traffic_Spiral*

          Ok, so as a frequently-traveling expat, I’m gonna say that I do things similar to this pretty frequently. Generally not with dates that I’ve ignored, but if I’m going to a new city for a bit I will 100% look up anyone I’ve previously known who might be in the area and say “hey, wanna get drinks and catch up?” People do the same to me if they drop by my neck of the woods. These encounters have led to sex 0% of the time.

          I mean, I don’t know this guy and so don’t know what he’ll do, but I can say that it’s pretty common to look up old friends and acquaintances when you’re in a new town, and it’s generally not seen as a hookup thing.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      Basically he heard that he’d be going over your way and thought “ooh, maybe I can find someone to make plans with when I’m there – sitting alone in a hotel room sucks.” So he looked you up.

    6. Overeducated*

      I have never heard the term breadcrumbing, is that common?

      I have dated people just for fun while on longer work travel, and sure, it’s fine and fun if you’re both just in it for the company. The intercontinental thing makes it easier to draw boundaries and not confuse it with a potential serious relationship. But my experience didn’t involve extensive texting, I don’t think you need to engage in continuous conversations with someone you’ll see once if they feel pointless.

      1. Pasha (she/her)*

        Technology has made breadcrumbing easier and more common than ever. Like ghosting, it’s the millenial way of communicating. It’s dreadful. :/

        1. Overeducated*

          Ugh. I am an older millennial married on the younger side, and sometimes I feel grateful texting was still expensive enough you didn’t send random notes at the time….

    7. StellaBella*

      Hmmm. Take this as the advice of a single woman, who’s been there and dated maybe 15 or so men before the last one broke my heart 2 years ago. I’ve dated some wonderful men and a couple of not so wonderful men so you may think this is over the top.

      1. Get his real last name. Ask to see his drover license picture or something too in person. With that info that it is really him, and phone number, do some googling. Pretty easy to find out if he’s married etc.
      2. Find out what he does for work and cross reference his story about working in your town, the conference.
      3. Don’t go alone to his hotel.
      4. Tell at least one friend and about the date, place, him, etc.

      1. Pasha (she/her)*

        Thank you for the tips! Not over the top at all. It makes sense!

        I’m definitely going to try and see if I can find out his full name on a proper ID and also where he works. I know his occupation, I just don’t know where. Going to his hotel room is completely going against my personal boundaries so that’s not going to happen. Will stay in a public place. And, I don’t even drink alcohol (he knows) so the chances of him trying something funny via alcohol are slim. And defo going to give my best friend as much info as possible.

        I had my heart broken two years ago and am finally feeling okay to date again. I hope you’re okay too or at least on the way to it! :)

        1. Kuododi*

          Building on the issue of safety precautions:. Never leave your drink unsupervised…(alcoholic or non alcoholic). It leaves open the opportunity to drop something….”inappropriate” (so to speak) in your beverage. Be safe, but have fun. Know what you want going in, be upfront about expectations and stick to your guns. Best regards.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Everyone seems to be assuming it’s a date. It doesn’t sound like a date to me….

      If I were going to a town for a week, I’d look up someone I knew to have dinner and pass the time. Whether I was single or not…. it’s just dinner.

      Doesn’t sound like he is flirting.

      I don’t think he has complex motives – just a desire to not eat a burrito alone.

      I still don’t think Pasha should go since he’s just looking to pass the time and she seems way more invested…

      I hadn’t heard of “breadcrumbing” but I don’t think it’s that. Just a guy looking to have dinner with a nice companion. He seems like he’s being as explicit as possible about it not being a date as he can without being bluntly rude.

      1. Parenthetically*

        He said the word date, said he found her cute and charming, and said he wasn’t opposed to the idea of a booty call though?

    9. London Calling*

      *He asked if I’d like to go on a date with him. He asked if I was single. I am. He is too. He repeated that he did like me 3.5 years ago, that he thought I was engaging and funny and cute, and he would love to share a meal with me. But he did go on to reiterate, three different times in three different ways, that he’s not looking for a girl / anything serious / any complications right now.*

      It’s a booty call. He’ just suddenly thought of you’ after a couple of years and just happens to have your number to hand? riiigghhhht, sure he did.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Okay so you know there’s no LTR here. Is that okay?
      Do you want to go and just have fun? I have a male friend who is interested in this type of dating, go out have a good time, share it with someone and then go home to your respective houses. My friend is a good guy, I can see where a woman could get very interested quickly. I guess he will find a path through that. My thought there was “you don’t have to date people to share a fun experience”.

      Can you suggest to him that the two of you just hang out as friends and do some fun friend-type activities stuff together?
      Since my husband passed, I have managed to fall into a couple of good friendships with guys. It’s nice, everyone has something different to offer and that is always interesting.

      1. Pasha (she/her)*

        “Okay so you know there’s no LTR here. Is that okay?”

        I’m not used to going on dates knowing there’s no possibility of a LTR, so if I do go out with him I need to make sure I don’t forget that he has already stated ‘no LTR’ upfront.

        “Can you suggest to him that the two of you just hang out as friends and do some fun friend-type activities stuff together?”

        I can, as long as I don’t catch feelings first. If I do then I can’t see him again after the first date. Haha.

    11. Kathenus*

      My two cents on this. If you think it would be fun to see him and hang out a time or two while he’s here, then go for it. I’d suggest getting any confusion out of the way beforehand – such as saying, ‘It would be fun to see you. Just to be up front, you’ve been clear that you’re not looking for any type of relationship, and I’m being clear that I’m not interested in a fling. If you’d like to get together as friends during your trip, great. If you have other expectations, then let’s not.’

      1. Pasha (she/her)*

        Thank you for that script! I really like it. I’m going to say it to him once he comes back to confirm the dates he’ll be here and also the night before we meet, just so we’re super, super clear.

        I do think it’ll be fun to hang out while he’s here. Well, it’s all fun and games until someone catches feelings, amirite? :P Note to self: He doesn’t want any type of relationship. He said it three different ways!

        1. neverjaunty*

          But you’re not hearing it.

          I’m not trying to be harsh here – but your comments are all over trying to talk yourself into something you know is not what you really want.

          This is a dude you don’t know who is clearly hoping for a booty call or at worst some fun short-term flirting with a stranger while he’s briefly in town. You’re someone who doesn’t want a booty call or a short-term thing and you’re worried about having feelings for him.

          Loneliness and boredom are not tools that can square a circle.

          2. Budgie Lover*

            Agreed. The OP has replied several times and keeps circling back to the idea of developing feelings for this dude and how awkward that would be. My sense is they’re already putting waaaaaay more mental energy into this thing than the other person and that’s not a recipe for a fun outing. The only reason to go would be chasing an emotional high from the uncertainty (“Will he try anything? How much? Is he secretly into me???”) and going through a catharthis when the dude inevitably vanishes again. Ehh, I’ve been in that dating rut too. But OP 100% knows this is a bad idea and was probably going to ignore any advice they got here from the start. Sometimes people go online more for the sympathy/validation.

            1. Pasha (she/her)*

              I did want to go for the fun factor and you’re not wrong in that I’m putting waaaay more mental energy than he is, which is not a recipe for a fun outing. But no, I didn’t actually 100% know this was a bad idea and come on here for sympathy or validation and with the intention to ignore advice. Surprise! Rest assured no advice is going to waste here. I have gained a lot of new perspectives and I’m going to consider all of them in my decision-making. Thank you for your input.

        2. Owler*

          Yeah, I don’t know why you keep referring to worry about whether you will “catch feelings”. That seems like a passive way of deciding that you don’t have any control of what happens.

          1. Pasha (she/her)*

            You’re right, it’s passive. It’s like I’m willing to go where the wind takes me. I’m not. I’m stronger than that.

    12. Jean (just Jean)*

      If you are really afraid you are going to be swept into bed by this fellow, build in some guardrails:
      have a reliable friend call you about 30 minutes into the date
      or have another friend (or the same one) call back an hour later
      or arrange for your friend to “run into you” at the restaurant
      or carry an Obviously Philosophical/Religious Book with you (“Hh, this is just what I’m reading at present”)
      or just don’t meet this guy, period.
      It’s been said before but I’ll say it again: under no circumstances do you go to his hotel room, or he to your residence (unless you live with a bunch of uninhibited extroverts all of whom are Certain to Be Home at that time).
      Go if you think you can stick to your choices even if he’s giving you the puppy eyes. Don’t go if you don’t want to put yourself that close to temptation. It’s fun to get those fluttery butterfly feelings. It’s less fun to look back and realize that you broke your own standards.

      Either way, don’t beat yourself up! Make a decision and move on.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Gah…apologies if my tone slipped from Determined into Downright Harsh. The latter was not my intention.

        1. Pasha (she/her)*

          I did not read that as harsh at all. Don’t worry!

          I appreciate your advice. Might do the first two. ;)

          I will not go to his hotel room no matter what excuse he might give to get me in there. It’ll be awful to break my own standards. Will endeavour not to let that happen.

          Thank you. :D

      2. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

        If she’s afraid this fellow will try to sweep her into bed despite a clearly stated No, then she doesn’t need to build in “guardrails”, she needs to not go out with this guy at all.
        If she’s afraid this fellow will sweep her into bed because deep down, she really WANTS to go to bed with him, and will respond to his flirting, then she needs to figure out WTF is going on with her own self before she dates this guy or any other, not have a moral babysitter check up on her every hour.
        If the question is not one of harassment, pressure, coercion, force, etc (again, DON’T DATE THIS GUY if there is) how else WOULD one get “swept into bed” by some fellow? Because they can’t resist his seductive flirting? Because they “caught feelings” and it was inevitable? Please correct me if I somehow read your comment wrong, because the only two situations I can see it applying to are 1. If Pasha thinks the guy will be pestering her for sex or 2. If Pasha thinks she will be unable to resist “temptation” and both of those are WTF situations that, if true, need to be addressed by NOT going on this date.

    13. LilySparrow*

      When I was dating, I did sometimes go on dates with guys just for an evening’s entertainment because they were good-looking and charming. We’d have dinner or see a movie or a show, talk a little flirty and hug goodbye at the train station. Not what you’d call Platonic friends, but neither was it going to go anywhere that night.

      If they were in town and called more than once or twice, we might do that once or twice. If it went on longer, then it had potential. Eventually I married one of them, when it did turn out to have “legs.”

      There was a memorable time I got burnt, when the guy was trying to get me emotionally invested in something long-term with a long dramatic phone/email correspondence and then showed his true colors after I’d put my heart on the table. But that can happen in any situation, whether it’s long-distance or right there in your town.

      I think this is actually a perfectly fine model for choosing a date. Just have fun, take the obvious safety precautions for going out with anyone you barely know, and don’t overthink it. An evening spent in charming company is an evening well-spent, in my book.

      When you know everybody’s going to keep their pants on, you don’t have to analyze things to death.

    14. Anon Anon Anon*

      If it seems off, I wouldn’t bother with it. Do a cost-benefit analysis. What would this add to your life and what are the risks? To be honest, if he’s acting a bit weird (which it sounds like), it’s a sign that there could be other issues – issues that could lead to other problems. I don’t know what breadcrumbing is, but it sounds like there’s something in this for him and he’s not thinking about you as a person. I think the no sex thing is a bit of a red herring. He might think he can talk you into having sex. He might just want to go on a date. But there could be other Stuff that comes with this (secret partner back home, asking to borrow money, wanting to be seen with someone to raise his social status for some reason, or something else sketchy). So if you’re feeling skeptical, trust that. If you’re feeling good about it, then go with that.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        +1 to Anon Anon Anon’s perceptive comment.
        Also + 1 million to the comments about watching out for your drinks. You aren’t safe from food/drink-tampering just because you don’t drink alcohol–I mean, if someone’s intent on slipping whatever-it-is into a person surely the dose can just as well be delivered via soft drink? or soft food (sauces, yogurt, pudding…?)
        I’m not trying to be a total scaremonger and I’m anything but hip to the current dating scene but if the possibility of spending time with someone brings up fear of being forced into bed against one’s will, AND if you don’t even know this person’s last name or workplace or anything, really…
        …the fact that you’re asking questions shows you’re less than 100% comfortable with the whole idea.
        And you’ve been trying all along to talk yourself out of having Feelings for this character.
        I’ve changed my mind and now suggest your evening would be better off spent with a good book and a cup of your favorite hot beverage. Date a nice guy who shares your values. Not a guarantee of no heartbreak never, but why not begin an interpersonal connection that has fewer challenges? It’s like a vegan trying to seek lifetime happiness with a barbeque devotee, or a believer with an atheist. Your values are worth fighting for, and better to battle when and where you’re safe (at home, via text or email) than out in some strange place with some stranger and possibly woozy from your own emotions or the stranger’s chemical interference.

        If he’s mature enough to travel alone he’s equipped to entertain himself alone, or survive a couple of lonely evenings in an unfamiliar town. Not your circus not your monkeys. Phones and email have two ends and his end has been inactive for **three years**. /end rant

      2. Wishing You Well*

        +1
        Don’t meet up. He’s telling you there’s no future in it, so please don’t waste your time. He says he’s single. Do you KNOW this? If I wanted to cheat, being out of my home country for a couple of days would be a perfect opportunity. I could leave a mess behind and never look back. Please don’t, but if you can’t resist, make it lunch and bring a couple friends along. No alone time.
        I’m on Team You.

      3. Athousandeyesandone*

        Yeah, I agree it sounds a bit weird. He contacts you after 3.5 years when the only time you spent together was a few dates?! I haven’t done much dating in the last couple of years though, but that’s what stuck out to me.

    15. Taking The Long Way Round*

      I don’t know what breadcrumbing is but I can guess – and it sounds like a classic case of avoidant insecure attachment. I would wish him well but leave him be.

    16. deesse877*

      My experience, as an observer of a friend’s dating life while she had similar personal principles, is twofold:

      1) many men, likely a majority of middle-class western men, genuinely believe that chaste women will break down and beg for it (possibly the idea comes from p0rn?). This can lead to awkwardness.

      2) my friend did exactly the same as you, spent a lot of time worrying about clearly unsuitable men, and especially her own possible feelings towards them…I think it’s probably a normal way to feel in the situation. But maybe better to let it die than feed it.

      1. Pasha (she/her)*

        “I think it’s probably a normal way to feel in the situation.”

        Thank you! Feelings are not cut and dry. You can go into something 100% sure you know what’s what (“he doesn’t actually like me as a person, he just wants to see if he can get me in bed, which he won’t, so all this worrying is irrelevant and I should not worry”) and STILL worry you’ll develop feelings. But yes, best to stick to my beliefs and not feed it.

        1. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

          I’m not sure why you are so worried that you might develop feelings for this guy. Did you have especially strong feelings for him on those first couple of dates you had years ago, and are worried they might flare up again? Do you have a long buried crush, or a sexual attraction to him that has popped back into the forefront of your mind? Do you just tend to become attached quickly to anyone that you like, are attracted to, go on a date with? Something else?
          There are no wrong answers here, but as this is something you keep bringing up, I think it would be worth scrutinizing yourself pretty closely about it before you go out with this guy again. What are your motivations here? What are you hoping will happen? What do you really want/expect from both him, and yourself? Why do you keep emphasizing certain parts of this narrative above others?
          Since you’ve dated this guy previously with knowing each other’s last names etc I don’t have the same feelings of extreme caution/possible danger that some people have, of course I think you should take whatever precautions you normally would when going on a first time date; and don’t go out with him at ALL if you have even the slightest doubt/worry that he might try to pressure or coerce you (or worse.)
          If your worry is that you yourself might wish to get more physical with this guy than would fit comfortably within your personal moral framework, well, that’s a decision that only you can make. There really is no objective outside standard that would prevent you from making whatever decision you wish to as an autonomous adult, or incorporating that decision into your philosophy of life however you wish. There is no objective moral authority to preclude you getting any amount of physical with any consenting person you choose to, or to get physical with someone you are not in an LTR with. And you do not need to justify your choices to anyone other than yourself.

          1. Pasha (she/her)*

            Good questions. No to all, but you’ve hit the nail on the head with “a sexual attraction to him that has popped back into the forefront of your mind”. I’ve been single for two years now, and I’m a little lonely, so this attention from him (however self-seeking on his part) has been…nice. So yes, I’m a little bit afraid I might catch feelings – entirely based on fantasy, of course – and “accidentally” get more physical with him than I’m comfortable with. But you’re right that it’s a decision only I can make, and I do not need to justify my decision to anyone other than myself. Definitely gonna have to have a serious talk with myself.

            And FWIW, I actually don’t know his last name (and he doesn’t know mine), but I have zero worry of being coerced into sex, honestly. I want to say “he wouldn’t do it” but how many stories have we read of women being coerced into having sex by men whom they didn’t think wouldn’t do it, right? But I’m confident it’s not his style. Regardless I have to remember I barely know him, and will take all necessary precautions.

            Thank you for bringing up some great points.

            1. Pasha (she/her)*

              Typo (though I’m sure you got it):

              I want to say “he wouldn’t do it” but how many stories have we read of women being coerced into having sex by men whom they didn’t think **would** do it, right?

    17. Anonforthis*

      I agree with what everyone else is saying – he just want someone to pass the time with. If you are fine with a single meal/drink date to pass the time too, you can go. If that’s a waste of time for you, don’t go.

      I’ve actually met guys like this before through online dating, where they just wanted to hook up and nothing more serious. If they were good looking enough, I would just hook up with them casually but not expect anything more.

    18. Batgirl*

      Sometimes going on a wild goose date is still fun and is nothing more than flexing your flirting muscles and dating game. Go as a scientist looking for a new comparison point.

      A friend showed me a great article on the marrigebuilers website (coincidentally they are no-sex-pre-marriage types) while I was in dating mode, called ”choosing the right one to marry’ which basically advocated going on lots of dates (apparently dating at least 30 people is the magic number) with a very un-committed attitude. Dont keep exclusively dating the same person unless they knock your socks off. Trying people on for size, or for fun, is fine.

  10. Sandy*

    I travel a lot for work (by most people’s standards, I’m not at Up In The Air levels) and also for personal reasons, so you’d think I would be used to it by now.

    But I feel like my travel anxiety and general level of annoyance just keeps climbing. I have a 26 hour trip coming up this week (26 each way, UGH) and I am actively dreading it.

    The trips just seem to get more and more unpredictable and unpleasant. What new piece of clothing do I need to remove at security? Will I have to pay for seatback entertainment? Just how small have the inflight bathrooms gotten? Exactly how painful will US Immigration and Customs be?

    I know it’s not really a question, more a rant, but commiseration is welcome!

    1. Fey*

      I travel about 6 times a year for leisure and I get travel anxiety each time. The night before the flight I always ask myself why am I doing this?! “Oh yeah, I love travelling. -_-”

      Having not flown to the US for 10 years, I don’t know what US immigration is like nowadays. But in terms of clothing, just make sure you wear layers that can easily come off if necessary. Not just for customs but for the flight/layovers too. You never know when you’re going to feel hot or cold. Same with shoes. No laces. Slip-ons are easier. I usually bring my own earplugs and eye mask too (though these are usually provided). Having my own stuff means one less thing to worry about in case they run out of them (happened to me once on a 14-hour flight. I was so anxiety-ridden I cried. Haha!) or the airline ones are uncomfortable or not to your liking.

      If your flight is 26 hours each way, seatback entertainment is usually free. But I personally despise wasting time browsing looking for something I might like, so I like to download my shows beforehand on to my iPad. Knowing what I’m going to watch eliminates having to think/choose and allows me to get settled in quickly, which lessens my anxiety.

      Seat-wise, I like aisle, but in the middle section of the plane. That way, if the person right next to me sees I’m sleeping when they want to go to the toilet, they could theoretically come out the other way. But you know what I do if I want to sleep and I know my seatmate still hasn’t gone to the toilet? I tell them I’d like to sleep now and would they like to go to the toilet before I do? I don’t even care. :) I’d rather ask a somewhat personal question like that and suffer a few seconds of awkwardness than be woken up when I’m sleeping.

      Good luck!

      1. Nicole76*

        I think that’s actually very kind of you. As a person who has to urinate more frequently than usual when flying, I would appreciate you asking so I wouldn’t feel terrible trying to hold it and eventually waking you up to get past (although I try to sit in an aisle seat for that reason whenever possible).

        1. Fey*

          Oh, I’m so happy to know you think that even though I’m not so much trying to be kind or altruistic as I am just trying to get some uninterrupted sleep. :P

          One time, I was in the side section of the plane, in the aisle seat, and asked the couple next to me if they wanted to go. The woman went, but the guy (who was in the window seat) didn’t. And he didn’t go until I woke up nine hours later (it was a 13-hour flight and yeah, I can really sleep on the plane)! He honestly didn’t waste any time asking to be let out the minute he saw I was awake. I hope he learned his lesson to always go when the person in the aisle seat is offering!

      2. CrazyDays*

        I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder but have found that changing the way I think of things has hugely impacted my level of happiness. Instead of thinking of all the things I dread when I fly, I think of all the things I’m grateful for. I also invest in things that are going to make me comfortable and organized for travel. Little things like the right bags, sleep mask, pillow, etc… go a long way to making an experience more pleasurable.

    2. Blargity blarg*

      I’ve been home for four days before taking off tomorrow for a ten day trip. Yesterday I had to go to the doc because I was having crazy ear pain and it appears to be bulging but not yet infected. So steroids and afrin and all the decongestant drugs to get me through a four hour flight followed by a six hour flight. Of course the first flight is a red eye so the meds that will make my ear hurt less (ie Sudafed) will keep me wide awake.

      On the flip side, I should hit mid-tier FF status by June. So there’s that? My airline doesn’t have seat back entertainment but you can watch on your own device for free. Also, they give me chocolate for flying all the time. Teensy-tiny things that do somehow make a difference in work travel drudgery. Work can restrict expenses in many ways. But they can’t take away my chocolate.

      Anyway. Commiseration.

      1. FarmGirl*

        If you’re having ear troubles, be sure to get ‘earplanes’. They are plastic things that you put in your ears to minimize high altitude effects. You can find them in pharmacies. I spent two years traveling and it made a difference. You can take them out unless they are landing or taking off.

    3. Thursday Next*

      I hear you—I feel like airlines keep finding new ways to make us miserable. Smaller seats, Fuller flights, fewer amenities. I rely on downloaded videos and books on my iPad to distract me from the experience.

      My last US customs and immigration experience was in November, and it was really easy and smooth. And the TSA was super patient with my daughter last month, which I appreciated.

    4. Kathenus*

      I’ve found that if I expect the worst (crazy long lines at security/I&C/crappy movie selection/annoying seat mate), prepare to amuse myself (LOTS of books), and just completely acknowledge that this will be a very long travel experience, that the actual experience is usually better than I envision. Basically prepare and psych yourself for it to be bad and to just get through it, and then it almost always exceeds expectations. Sounds weird but it’s worked for me on some 20+ hour trips.

  11. WoodswomanWrites*

    I posted here a while back asking for advice about my upstairs neighbor’s dog with separation anxiety. His howling is so piercing when my neighbor departs in the mornings that if I try to sleep in, he wakes me up, even with earplugs. I feel sorry for the dog, who is clearly unhappy, and I’ve made sure she knows that. People here gave me some good suggestions about communicating with my neighbor, who had at that time just moved in. She indicated that she knew it was a problem and told me she was looking for a trainer to resolve the problem.

    Four months later, the situation hasn’t changed despite her asking me if it was still an issue a couple months ago and my affirming that it was. He’s an emotional support animal, and she told me that her therapist has been encouraging her to draw more boundaries with the dog.

    While my neighbor is well-intentioned and is otherwise considerate, my patience is wearing thin. I’ve been clear and direct with her about how the situation is a problem, not just hinting. I’m thinking about potentially sharing some do-it-yourself videos and instructions for dogs with separation anxiety that I’ve found online. Any suggestions for what to do next?

    1. Beadbed Librarian*

      Ooooff, I get emotional support animals and I definitely got emotional support for the pets I’ve had in the past but part of me wonders how much good it can be doing her one that front if the dog is stressed out if she’s gone. I wish I had some advice because that sounds rough.

    2. Reba*

      Sounds like the dog is the one who needs emotional support! I wouldn’t make the effort to share resources — your neighbor has just as much ability to google as you do, and an internet article won’t implant the will or discipline to solve this, which is what’s missing.

      Has she actually engaged a behaviorist, or just talked about it?

      Have you raised your concern with the landlord or condo board or whatever body is in charge of the place? It seems like it’s time to level up. It’s quite possible that they will do nothing, but they have the power to create consequences for your neighbor that you don’t. If it helps, remind yourself that your neighbor may be ‘nice’ but she’s being wildly inconsiderate to both you and an innocent, if annoying, animal.

      Sorry, what a pain.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, it’s time to involve the landlord. Make a recording for them to hear.

    3. Pippa*

      Some years ago I had a wonderful dog with terrible separation anxiety and the vet prescribed Clomicalm. I was skeptical, but it worked and vastly improved her quality of life. Your neighbor might consider talking to her vet as well as a trainer.

    4. WWF*

      Over four months? She doesn’t sound considerate at all. I’d take a long recording of the howling to your management company. And if the situation didn’t improve, I’d play it on a loop one day when she is home so she fully understands what you have been putting up with.

    5. Verona Recs*

      I’m visiting Verona, Italy next month with a friend and looking for recommendations for restaurants. Know of any you would recommend for the food, view, or atmosphere? Any tourist traps to avoid?

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      I appreciate all these ideas. As far as I know, she’s taken no action whatsoever. I’m going to bring it up with her a final time, mentioning the suggestion of checking about medication with her vet, and saying that I’d prefer not to talk to our landlord about it but will do so at this point if nothing changes. Our landlord likes me as a long-term, responsible tenant. I almost never reach out to him about problems so if I complained, he would definitely have words with her that are less kind than mine. I’m certain she’d prefer not to have to deal with him, so I hope that will do the trick.

      1. Quandong*

        Please document both the frequency and noise level from the dog, and any communication between you and the owner about it.

        Where I live, the authorities in charge of noise complaints have a list of requirements for people in situations like yours, when they are trying to resolve them. It’s worth researching what steps you would need to follow if you don’t get satisfactory resolution from the neighbour, or the landlord if you involve them.

        1. Quandong*

          I meant to add, the authorities ask people to make a log of the noise / disruption, and to make sample audio recordings if possible.

          1. valentine*

            It may be neither she nor her therapist understand the dog. Therapist is weaning her off the dog or trying to wean the dog? But maybe the dog’s upset because they feel they’re not doing their job.

            I hope management can help.

            I was able to sleep through horrid construction banging with earplugs+noise-canceling headphones+Rainy Day.

      2. Venus*

        Separation anxiety in dogs can be brutal. It’s not easy to resolve, so if she has done nothing then I think you are well within your rights to push her – tell her that she needs to work on it otherwise you will tell the landlord. Resolving the problem with training often takes weeks or months, so she should have started *immediately*

        The best way to resolve the problem is with a crate, and a lot of training to get the dog to where it enjoys the crate and finds it safe. This starts with training the dog to go in there several times a day for a few minutes at a time, rewarding it greatly for a job well done (which is how you get the dog to repeat the behaviour and enjoy it), and increase the time spent by a few minutes each day to where it can be in the crate for much longer. This is best done in a bedroom or place where the dog can’t see the owner leave.

        Some people view crating an animal as punishment, but I have looked after many dogs and they almost always find it to be comforting (and if they don’t like the metal crate then a plastic one is an option, or keeping them in a bedroom with a closed door). The key is to make it fun, by filling it with towels and toys, and giving treats. I often cover it with a sheet, and put on the radio, so that the dog doesn’t know that it’s actually alone (and I start by doing it that way when I am there, so I can talk with it).

        I don’t intend for this to be a long explanation for the OP, as this is your neighbour’s problem, but it’s important that you appreciate it will likely be a long time before this can properly be resolved, so you need to be more clear with your neighbour now – for your own mental and physical health! Best of luck

  12. anonymiss*

    Going anon for this one…

    This week I tested positive for herpes. I was really upset (I had a painful cyst down below last year and thought it was a recurrence of that – although actually it wasn’t nowhere near as painful) and felt disgusted with myself for a couple of days. I think it’s the permanent nature of it, the knowledge I can never get rid of it.

    BUT I have done a lot of reading since and it seems manageable and not even that big a deal as long as you’re careful. Many people never get further outbreaks, and as my first one wasn’t that bad, chances are any others would be even milder. I feel lucky in that respect. It’s just UNlucky in getting it, loads of people have it and may not even know. It isn’t the best news ever but I’ve also calmed down a bit and looked at it more rationally. My friend even told me he has it too after I confided in him, and he made me feel better.

    I realise this isn’t a topic everyone wants to contribute to but if anyone is willing to share their experience with this with me, I’d really appreciate it. I’m on day 3 of 5 of Zovirax and it’s making my stomach feel icky.

    1. AnonyNurse*

      It’s more common than not, between HSV that causes cold sores and the one that causes genital symptoms. It’s easy to get down on yourself, for sure, but it it so so normal. Hopefully, you will not experience recurrent outbreaks, but if you do, be aggressive with the anti-virals and be honest with future partners as you wish had been done for you.

      As you get more used to this diagnosis, I hope you can normalize it for yourself — if more people were open about their experiences, it would reduce the shame and stigma people feel about it.

      Good for you for getting it checked out. It’s scary and you’re brave for taking that step.

      (On the stomach thing — can cause very divergent symptoms (ie diarrhea or constipation) so hard to recommend anything without more details, but switching up time of day of dosing, with/without food, etc may help. Be kind to yourself! You’ve earned it).

      1. anonymiss*

        I have two more days of the anti-virals and I have to admit I’m not enjoying them. My muscles are sore and I’m very tired and it’s playing havoc with my stomach (AND I have my period at this time, so it’s all fun and games in that area!). I take them five times a day so it’s quite a task to keep remembering!

        I’m going for more STI tests next week. I actually had booked that separately before I knew. I am a bit nervous now hoping nothing else shows up.

        The main thing I worry with this is I read that it can be very dangerous for the baby if you’re pregnant and get an outbreak. I’m not pregnant, but I may be one day, and that freaks me out a bit!

        2. AnonyNurse*

          It can be dangerous in pregnancy, BUT also manageable. If you have an outbreak or feel one coming on towards the end of your pregnancy, they’ll treat as appropriate. And if there’s any symptoms when your labor begins, you’ll have baby by c-section, which removes the herpes risk for baby.

          You’ll be gold! When you’re ready, it’ll happen. Best wishes!

    2. Epsilon Delta*

      There is an Adam Ruins Everything episode about sex and herpes. He talks a lot about herpes and how common it is, might be worth a watch.

      The premise of his show is that he busts a bunch of common misconceptions about a subject. The humor is very corny but I enjoyed watching the show. You can watch it on Netflix and I think also Youtube.

      1. Karen from Finance*

        Yes, it’s a good episode. Iirc he says on that show that like 90% of people have some sort of herpes.

    3. Sled dog mama*

      I can’t really relate on the down there aspect but I had shingles several years ago (same virus as Chicken Pox which is a herpes virus) and the medication for an out break does suck and did strange things to my stomach as well.

      1. anonymiss*

        My dad had shingles. It sounded pretty rough! Yeah, it’s making my muscles quite sore, I think, which is a bit odd, but it is one of the possible (less common) side effects, so…

    4. Johanna*

      I’m 33 and havent had an outbreak in way over 15 years. I used to get a prescription for Zovirax every year at Planned Parenthood, but never used it. I don’t ever think about having it unless I’m going over medical history/have a new partner.

      I would recommend looking up foods rich in lysine; I think they helped avoid breakouts. And personally I found eating nutritional yeast to cause a breakout (because I was eating a crazy amount I think, but that was my experience!)

    5. Anonyherp*

      Yes I was diagnosed after a very painful outbreak that also brought on severe fever. It’s true that it will never be that bad again. Mine was actually discovered to be HSV1 which is common cold sores. HSV2 is typically genital herpes. But mine only show up on my labia. I get an outbreak once per year, my partner never caught it, and I don’t think about it. L-lysine is the trick for me. I thought I’d be devastated forever but I truly never think about it.

        1. MysteryFan*

          I have both kinds of Herpes I guess, because when i get a “cold sore” (HSVI), it swells up to be Quite Noticeable.. I feel really sick; lethargic, feverish, just generally entirely awful. But when I get an outbreak in the genital area, it doesn’t make me feel bad all over. It’s just a small lesion; a bit painful and itchy for a few days. I take Valcyclovir (Valtrex) 1 GM tabs at the FIRST sign of the itchy feeling that presages an outbreak, and it helps a LOT. I was also told that the dosage varies for treating HSV1 and HSV2. My Dr. recommended taking 1 of the tabs( 1,000 mg) morning and evening for 3 days for an outbreak of HSV2, and 2 tablets morning and evening for 1-2 days for HSV1.

          I also found that you can get an ointment form of Acyclovir that I like for reducing the duration of “cold sores”. But the OTC ones like Abreva are also helpful.

          For me, the most important thing is to be aware of the tingle that signals an outbreak and jump on it Immediately!! good luck and don’t worry, the outbreaks almost always get fewer and farther between, and less sever as your body builds up it’s own immunity response.

          1. anonymiss*

            Yeah, the outbreak is as you describe yours, and so it really didn’t feel that bad. It definitely felt different from a cyst and I’m kind of annoyed the dr didn’t tell me he suspected it wasn’t, because I could have inadvertently passed it on during that time. 1000 mg makes sense now because I am taking 5 x 200 mg every day.

            I realise now that the weird sharp itchy pain I had one night that woke me up was that… I had absolutely no idea. I had a spot high up on my leg at the same time and thought it was that (no, that was just a spot!).

    6. the9thchevron*

      The podcast Sawbones did an episode about herpes called the Herpes Thanksgiving Special. Apparently all the stigma around herpes was invented by Big Pharma to sell drugs. The podcast is also very humorous and the hosts are endearing, so I think it might make you feel better.

    7. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

      The podcast “Unladylike” recently did an episode that dealt with living with herpes. I found it very compassionate.

      1. Anon Y Mousse*

        Yup, awesome episode. As a HSV1+ person, I will say that herpes of both varietes are common enough by middle age that most people in that age bracket think it’s a not very big deal when someone comes up positive. Maybe equivalent to divulging that you have a foot fungus in terms of awkwardness. I’ve seen this reaction in both polyamorous (all ages) and monogamous people (35+). I would say that it’s worth knowing before having babies, and worth trying to avoid sharing, but totally not the end of the world. People will still date you, life will go on.

    8. ..Kat..*

      I recommend always having a full course of anti viral medication on hand. When you feel an outbreak coming on, you can immediately medicate. The sooner you can take an antiviral, the less the outbreak will be. Always have a couple of pills in a container in your purse.

      I am sorry that this has happened to you. But, it is manageable. Please make sure you know how to prevent transmission to others.

      1. anonymiss*

        Yes, I have it already on repeat prescription so I can easily get more if I need it, and the doctor did me two prescriptions at the same time initially, so I even have one to hand to ‘cash in’ any time.

      2. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

        I keep a full course of anti-viral on hand for oral herpes because the outbreaks I get (average 1 or occasionally 2 a year) are so bad. It’s made a huge difference in the severity, duration, and extent when they happen.

    9. ArtsNerd*

      I don’t have a herpes diagnosis but want to just say the moral stigma of it is total BS, in addition to being extremely illogical. Obviously there’s some ‘unlearning’ to do, but just another voice here letting you know it’s perfectly normal and not any kind of failing and nothing to be grossed out about.

      Hugs.

  13. Annoyed Customer*

    TLDR: Should I complain about poor service? (NGL, this is going to be a rant)

    I’m a regular at the major bookstore in my city. It’s part of the oldest national chain of bookstore and publishing house, so I assume they have established standard (so they’re not a new company still trying to figure out things). The store itself has been in business for around a decade, so it’s not a newly-opened store either.

    The problem is that the service is very poor. The store has ~15 staff members, which should be enough for its medium size. But no. The only time you can see a staff member in the book section is when they’re stocking the shelves, Otherwise they all hang around in the stationery section. It’s gotten to the point where, if you’re looking for a book, you have a bigger chance of finding it on your own compared if you ask the staff.

    They’re almost as useless in the stationery section, despite consistently spending most of their time there. They spend their time chatting and ignoring the customers. Even if you ask them a question, they mostly just give a quick, vague reply before turning back and resuming their conversation. I can understand if it’s a slow day, but they do this even on the weekends, when the store is packed with so many people it’s hard to move (plus the staff tends to block the way, what’s with them standing in groups).

    So my question is, is this worth complaining about to the management? On one hand I understand they’re probably bored of standing for hours in the store. OTOH, it’s their job, and they presumably understand what the duties are when they sign up for it. People can dislike their job and still be competent. I’d love to just go to another store, but the nearest store is around 1.5 hour from where I live and the public transport is very tricky. And yes, I know there’s this thing called online shopping, but from the reviews the delivery service is not that great either. Plus my address is a bit hard to find, and the delivery people tend to get lost when they’re trying to find it, so online shopping is not really an option either.

    So, is this worth complaining, or am I making a storm in a teacup?

    1. matcha123*

      If you make a complaint, you should probably find a way to send it to the top. The management at the place you are visiting probably doesn’t care and may be part of the chatting group.

      1. Annoyed Customer*

        Thanks for the suggestion! It does seem very likely, so actually I’ve been thinking about writing a complaint letter to the local newspaper. Maybe I’m too cynical, but I feel like companies tend to take complaints more seriously if they’re named and shamed, compared to individual and private complaint.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          If you have social media, I would also potentially consider politely complaining there and tagging the company. Generally on the rare occasions I’ve had to complain, I’ve found that’s the easiest way to get a quick response (because it’s both out in the public domain and instantaneous, and can potentially become very widespread very quickly).

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      So I spent years (~10) working in retail customer service and I’ve been on the side of the retail worker.

      My advice is like Matcha123 and send it to the head office but also send it to local office as well: CC one of them in so that it’s not a surprise to local when head comes down on them.

      It’s very frustrating when customers come in and have to interrupt the workers conversations and I was always taught that you can have your chit-chat but when the customers come in, focus on them. The problem that some finding the line between helpful and lurking, thereby putting the customer off, but you are right, this is their job and their job is too help customers.

      So complain to local and head and hope it changes.

      If it doesn’t, I really recommended bookdepository.com. I know you say that the delivery drivers tend to get lost on the way to your house, but BD sends their books through the regular post (postage is free). I live in the middle of nowhere in Spain and I’ve never, ever had any trouble with BD getting to me but acres of trouble with Amazon who use special delivery services, so it might be worth checking out.

    3. WellRed*

      Contact the regional office. They would want to know that the store manager/s aren’t managing properly. Signed, former chain bookstore employee

      1. Lilith*

        Does time of day/day of week matter? I’m curious who is clustering around the stationery section. Teens, geezers etc.

  14. Marzipan*

    I have a stinking cold. Meh. Had to go home from work yesterday – and everyone else was either on holiday or called in sick as well, so my poor boss was left to do the work of six people.

    In other news, I had my WTF appointment with my fertility clinic this week. (Follow up appointment after a failed cycle. WTF means exactly what you think it does.) I wasn’t expect it to be anything much beyond ‘yeah, your cycle didn’t work, want to do another one?’, but actually my consultant was much more proactive and recommended immune testing and blood clotting testing before doing anything else. So on the one hand that’s a bit pants, but on the other it could show something useful or relevant, and it isn’t desperately expensive, so I’m getting blood tests dive next week.

    3. Quandong*

      I’m glad to hear the consultant is proactive, and hope the testing proves useful.

  15. coffee cup*

    Has anyone dated someone from a very different culture/background? I’m from the UK and have just started dating a guy from Nigeria. (I’ve actually dated a Nigerian man in the past, but this situation is a bit different and more likely to become serious.) He’s very sweet and cares for me a lot. The main things I worry about difference-wise are religion (I’m very much Not, he goes to church every week) and general humour/things in common. I know everyone is different, but I was just after other people’s thoughts. Obviously, not specifically about dating people from the UK/Nigeria!

    1. matcha123*

      I think being very clear about how you approach communication is key. Assumptions lead to more assumptions which lead to hurt feelings. He also has to be open to that style of communication, which can be hard for a lot of people. I have a lot of friends in cross-cultural, long-term relationships. The ones that seem to go well have very good communication.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’d say “how connected is he to his family, and how will they affect you?” Will he keep you a secret from them and then dump you for someone they approve of? Will he invite them over to stay with you for 6 months at a time?

    4. Reba*

      This is for a little later, when you know if it is looking long-term or not… but for me the most important thing would be expectations about family life and gender roles. Related question, how will you nagivate extended family and obligations? Obviously people from the same home society can have very different views on this stuff! But you want to be sure that both parties are giving it some thought, and not just proceeding on unspoken assumptions. At a basic level, are both you and he flexible, or are you more firm in the way you think?

      I have seen cross-cultural relationships (from the perspective of friends from African countries, and friends from the US) that have both lasted and not lasted, and often it hinges on this question.

      From personal experience, I have only casually dated outside my culture/nationality but it can be a fun chance to learn a lot.

    5. PX*

      Everyone here has given good advice: big ticket items are communicate about religion, family/in-law expectations, finances and children. I might also add gender roles here too. What is his take on those?

      Some things to consider – is he from Nigeria as in, recently moved to the UK from there? Or is he Nigerian as in, his family is Nigerian but he was born/raised/has spent a significant amount of time in the UK? The latter for instance might alleviate some of the fears about having things in common.

      One thing I would say is to ask him about how he grew up. There are often a lot of stereotypes about poor Africans, but you would be surprised by what a standard middle class life-style can look like in many African countries (hint: it can be a lot better than you get in some developed countries).

      I would also encourage you to do some research into where he is from, and try to get a better understanding of what his life might have been like. People often forget that due to Western media being pretty much everywhere, most people in the world have some idea of American/British/Western norms/culture/lifestyle/expectations (or at least the TV/movie versions of them), but it very rarely goes the other way. Learn a bit about his culture and history and you might find it helps you understand him better.

      1. anonymiss*

        He is definitely keen on kids at some point, I’ve had to be a bit firm in saying ‘er, no, not yet!’ He is actually FROM from Nigeria, but he moved here a few years ago, so he’s fairly used to what things are like here. I know a fair bit about Nigeria after dating my other Nigerian friend (we’re still close and he told me quite a lot about it) and I’m always interested and respectful. I’ve let him cook some Nigerian food for me, as I wanted to try it, and one was a definite miss and the other was pretty good!

        2. TL -*

          In my experience, it’s not the things like food and holidays, it’s things like how involved is extended family, what is wife’s job, what is husband’s job, what is grandparents’ job, how do you raise kids, how do you handle shared finances?

          One of my friends started dating a Mexican man (who was lovely) whose behavior I recognized as very much in line with Mexican gender norms. She didn’t pick up on that at all (because her gender norms were American/Russian) and even though she likes traditional gender norms to a point, when she talked to me about whether she should be serious with him, it turns out her ideas of gender norms were very different once you got past the really obvious staying home with kids and being a housewife thing.

    6. Emmie*

      Are you two different races? You should give heavy thought, and rehearse how you will handle a racist comment made by strangers, friends, family, coworkers, clients, and bosses. What are your hard lines? Are you prepared to end relationships with people if they make racist comments? Because you will have to when you have kids of that race. You two may feel differently at what constitutes a racist comment. How will you handle that? People may treat one or both of you differently. Will you resent your partner for this? How will family treat the other person? Have either of you dated someone of another race? Be very honest with yourself.
      I say these things from personal dating experience, and because I have a very diverse immediate family and friend group. These comments do not happen often. But they happen and it catches me by surprise. I have personally ended, or significantly distanced myself from people who’ve made racist comments. It’s sucks sometimes. I’m angry other times. I have no emotion about it during other times.
      I cannot stress enough that this doesn’t happen often to me personally. I found in my dating experience that we underestimate the differences we have when dating someone of the same race. It’s still important to the success of your relationship to think these things through.

      1. PX*

        This. I’ve seen this play out with some of my best friends who are an interracial couple, and it can be really, really hard on both parties.

      2. coffee cup*

        Yes, we’ve both dated people of a different race before. I think having kids would be harder because protecting them from that would be something of a different level, though.

    7. Rebecca*

      I am Canadian and the gentleman is French, or Tunisian descent. We met in Shanghai where we were both expats on an adventure, and I’ve moved to France to be with him and make my forever home here.

      And like: talk allllll you want now, but there is going to be so much that you don’t even know you need to talk about until it happens. I’ve been with him almost 4 years and in France for almost 2 and we still have days where I go ‘wait French people do WHAT?’ And France and Canada are both Western European based countries with similar cultures. His family drives me crazy, there is a language barrier with my in-laws and his friends, and I have a stepson that we have very different views about raising.

      We focused on our relationship outside the cultural and racial differences first, so that by the time we had to face those issues, we had a strong friendship and relationship to ground ourselves in when the differences got overwhelming. And they do – the first six or eight months I was here were not the romantic fairytale I was thinking they would be – it was hard!

    8. Courageous cat*

      My curiosity would be: why are you thinking it’s going to get serious if you worry about general humor/things in common? Is that not a big dealbreaker for you to not have those things with your partner?

  16. Bah Humbug*

    I’ve had a terrible week for multiple reasons and I hate everyone and everything. If anybody would like to tell me a joke or an uplifting anecdote I’d be enormously grateful!

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Why did the turtle cross the road?

      To get to the Shell station!

    3. Eleanor Rigby*

      Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online.

      Two cats are awimming across some water. One is called “One Two Three” the other is called “Un Deux Trois.” Which cat survives?

      “One Two Three” because un deux trois cat sank! ;)

    4. Utoh!*

      Scene: Two fish in a tank. (scroll down for the rest)

      Fish 1 to Fish 2: Are you sure you know how to drive this thing?

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Oh, yuck for the terrible week. May it be a long time before the stars align again so grimly!
      How about some kid’s jokes? (I learned these when my child was in elementary school. They are simultaneously terrible and–for me, anyway–memorable.)

      Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off.
      Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn’t been invented yet.

      What do ghosts like on their bagels? Scream cheese.

      The first two are urban legend/playground oral tradition. The last one I read in a paperback book of jokes for kids. Can’t recall the name or author/editor.

    7. Bah Humbug*

      Thanks everyone – you’ve made me smile!

      (I have also eaten a big bowl of rice and quinoa … and half a package of cookies)

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        I hear you on the cookies. Just devoured a [classified] amount of Oreos. Crunchy to relieve my grumpiness (it was a hard week for me also), creamy and sweet to relieve my discouragement. Yes, I’m the same person who just wrote above about Keeping Oneself Away From Temptation. Some times it isn’t easy to be consistent. Or human. Or both.

    8. Llellayena*

      I almost let a fox into my office a couple of months ago. I was just about to walk out the glass front door at the end of the day when a fox walked past not 2 feet away on the other side of the door! If I had opened the door the direction of the swing would mean the fox could have wandered inside! I hope this makes you smile!

    9. Grandma Mazur*

      How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

      Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I like going over the Cake Wrecks dot com and reading about people’s mistakes. I can get to laughing so hard tears will be running down my face. I haven’t done it in a while, so maybe it’s time for me to check it out also.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Ah, memories. I used to get the same results rereading Flylady’s “Weirdest Things Flung” lists. People confessed to throwing out old bedsprings, nonworking kitchen appliances, taxidermy specimens, decades-old jars of home-canned food, and on and on. That and the Carolyn Hax Holiday Hootenannies (holiday meats overcooked into heaps of smouldering carbon/every window open in the middle of very cold weather). It’s even funnier at three a.m.

      2. Canadian Natasha*

        I’ll second this! Cake Wrecks is hilarious (and terrible)! Do Not look up the meatloaf baby. Just don’t. The Sunday Sweets epidodes are also nice: You get to see the cakes that actually are amazingly beautiful. :)

      4. Elizabeth West*

        OMG Cake Wrecks is the best cure for the grumps I can think of. I almost ALWAYS find a howler on there. Plus, the once-a-week posts with the beautiful cakes are so nice.

      6. Roy G. Biv*

        Yeeessss!!! Very few websites can make me howl with laughter, but Cake Wrecks dot com does every time!

    11. WellRed*

      How do you tell what a red hot chili pepper weighs? Give it a way, give it aeay, give it away now. Sorry, heard that one yesterday.

      1. bkanon*

        AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Okay, that gave me a flat-out scare the cat belly laugh. I’m keeping that one.

    12. Canadian Natasha*

      I have jokes! (warning: they are terrible!)

      What did the god Poseidon say when his sea dried up?
      I haven’t a notion!

      So this snail was tired of being the slowest animal around. He decided to remove his shell to see if it made him faster. Unfortunately he was even more sluggish.

      The snail decided to get himself a sports car and painted a big S on the side of it. That way, when people saw him drive by, they’d shout, “Wow, look at that S car go!”

      This one is a wee bit rude:
      Did you know that William Shatner once had a clothing line? It was for women’s lingerie. But for some reason his company, “Shatner Panties” never caught on…

      1. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

        Cracking up for real over that last one! Hahahahaha!

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      I am also having an awful week, but you inspired me to go read some xkcd:

      E-bay comment: “Instead of office chair, package contained a bobcat. Would not purchase again.”

      And of course the essence of xkcd:
      “Are you coming to bed?”
      “I can’t! People are being WRONG on the internet!”

    14. Bluebell*

      My favorite of all time:

      Knock, Knock.

      Who’s there?

      Interrupting cow.

      Interrupting cow wh–MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

    17. Catherine from Canada*

      Here are two jokes my son made up when he was nine. They still make me laugh.
      What do you call a boring shade of brown? Mediocre.
      What do you call a scary parrot? A Macabre.

    18. only acting normal*

      You matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then you energy!

    19. Cherry Sours*

      Not a joke, but I hope get a smile from the irony of the situation:

      A recent fall the resulted in breaking z limb occured as I was heading to get salt to spread on the ice. ;)

    20. WoodswomanWrites*

      A favorite source of laughs is the website KissThisGuy, which is compilation of people’s stories about lyrics they misheard. For example, for the Creedence Clearwater Revival song “Bad Moon Rising,” there are a whole bunch that crack me up.

      Correct lyrics: There’s a bad moon on the rise.

      Misheard lyrics include:
      There’s a bathroom on the right
      There’s a baboon on the rice.

      Just looking those up now cracked me up. Hope your that your days are brighter soon!

    21. ArtsNerd*

      I feel you. People are terrible and also people are the best.

      Something that still makes me cry (in a good way) is remembering the time I came back from a visit to my terminally ill mom (it was awful) and found that my friends had stocked my fridge from top to bottom with easy-to-reheat, delicious, comforting food in individual portions.

      Feeding myself in a healthy way is always a challenge for me, so being cooked for is basically my #1 love language. And my friends knew that, and I will always be grateful.

      —-

      Before my depression was diagnosed I’d have awful crying jags I could not calm down from. Something that helped me a lot was the right music. (Something about music is SO effective at modulating mood — see: every soundtrack.)

      I put together a playlist that moves through validating my sadness and then gradually getting more optimistic–helping me come up for breath–and then energizing.

      Your taste is going to be different from mine, but here’s mine right now (which reminds me to update it with a bunch of rad stuff I’ve come across since putting it together):

      Sub Piano – Bonus Track // Max Richter
      Winters Love // Animal Collective
      This is the Way // Devendra Banhart
      We’re Gonna Make It // Little Miss Sunshine Soundtrack*
      Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard // Paul Simon
      That Right Ain’t Shit // The Books
      The Boy with the Arab Strap // Belle and Sebastian
      Sexfaldur // Amiina*
      Theme – Score // Jon Brian (Eternal Sunshine Soundtrack)
      White Winter Hymnal // Fleet Foxes
      Rain // Bishop Allen
      Huddle Formation // The Go! Team*
      Road to Nowhere // Talking Heads
      Wake Up // Humans
      Chinese Checkers // Booker T & The Mgs
      Run On // Moby
      Music for a found harmonium // Penguin Cafe Orchestra
      Be Good (RAC Remix) // Tokyo Police Club
      Green Grass of Tunnel // Múm*
      The Big Ship // Brian Eno*

      *Basically these whole albums work really well for me

      1. ArtsNerd*

        Oh and a FUNNY anecdote:

        My cat is getting a bit older and can’t make the (large) jump up to her favorite shelf at the top of my closet the way she used to. She wanted nothing to do with the stepladder I put in there, so in the interim, I trained her to jump on my back while i leaned over and then up. Well at first I tried to pick her up to put her up there, but I got tired of all the scratches that came with that.

        Now I have a side-table in there the exact same height as my back and it might as well not even exist. Only my back works! If she doesn’t jump on my back to get to her shelf she will surely perish. I’m sure it looks adorable but i live alone so there are no witnesses.

        I basically just lie forward on the table now.

        Cats.

  17. Aspiring Francophone*

    Hi AAM commenters! Longtime reader, rare commenter.
    Exciting news – I quit my job recently and decided to take a year (ish) to move to France! Always wanted to, and hoping the immersion will help me get to fluency.
    Any recommendations for not getting too lazy during the time off? I’m still in an online graduate program so I’ll have deadlines to keep, but the work isn’t usually more than 20 hours/week. I know a few people where I’m living, but not well, and as a natural introvert I’m worried I’ll keep to myself too often. Thinking I’ll try to take a class (art? Fitness?) to get out and about more often. Other ideas? I’m sure a lot of things will come up naturally to fill time, but would love any tips! Merci!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          It should be lovely… I’m more familiar with the region around Bordeaux though. For me, because I’m a history geek, my fallback would be to find local historic sites that need volunteers. Having someone they can ask for help with visitors that speak your native language would be great for them. Historic sites are often also great for contacting people who do various crafts and their lands are often safe hiking spots.
          Good luck!

          2. Jenny F. Scientist*

            There’s an old fort in Annecy (outside Lyon, I think you can get there by train). Worth a visit!

    2. Anon Anon Anon*

      I would look for a volunteer job! And/or connect with people in a similar program of study there. That way you’ll have professionally oriented relationships with people there, which is not just good professionally but also helps to balance out the social side of things since social life can be more chaotic. But keeping to yourself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are many ways to appreciate another country.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      You might teach ESL, or exchange English lessons for French lessons? That would help you too.

    4. Incantanto*

      Check out the local balfolk scene for friemdly people. Learn some local social dance

    5. Koala dreams*

      You can try a french class, if they are available around there. Also, see if you can find a language exchange partner. In my experience it works the best if you set a time limit for each language, and choose a theme for the next meeting (if you find it easy to talk without a theme you can of course ditch it later). My third tip is to listen to radio and watch tv in french. It’s so easy to find the news from home nowadays, but that won’t help you get fluent. Ask people you meet for recommendations!

  18. matcha123*

    Does anyone have recommendations for affordable pillows/body pillows?
    My bed is a lot harder than I’d like and I have a terrible time getting to sleep and waking up refreshed. I need neck and back support, but dislike pillows that are too hard or soft. Most body pillows or ones with “good” neck support seem to be over $100. I’m weary of buying one, even after trying it at the store, and finding that it doesn’t really work well for me when I sleep. Do I just need to suck it up and set aside the cash for a more expensive pillow(s)?

    1. Anona*

      Maybe a memory foam pillow? I don’t know if they make body pillows but my pillow wasn’t very expensive, maybe $20, and is very supportive and comfy.

      1. BRR*

        I have a shredded memory foam pillow and I like that I can throw it in the dryer to repuff it.

    2. fposte*

      What I did for a body pillow: I bought a casing for a body pillow and put two regular pillows down it lengthwise. It twists in the middle sometimes but is otherwise just fine.

      I’m wondering if a body pillow is what you want, though–if it’s to soften a hard mattress, I’d consider a mattress topper. Where I live you can get pretty inexpensive ones at dollar store type places, so you don’t have to commit to the $100 topper right out.

    4. Not All*

      I would NOT do a memory foam pillow (unless maybe the shredded kind)…they don’t let you move enough & feel like sleeping on a rock to me.

      Have you looked at options for softening your bed? In desperation, I did 2 layers of cheap egg foam on one of my mattresses & it made a huge difference. If you really want to splurge, the real sheepskin mattress pads are AMAZING (incidentally also great for hot flashes because they let air flow under you).

      1. Bethany D*

        We have two foam toppers and it looks a bit silly but OOOOOOOO does it feel loverly! Worth Every Penny.

        For pillows, I rotate between just using a new one; then when it has shrunk to medium-fluffy, I put an old flat pillow under it; then when they both are squashed flat, I buy a fluffy new pillow & start the cycle over again.

    5. Sam Carter*

      I’m weirdly obsessed with pillows and have spent way too much money buying all different kinds. Online reviews don’t always help since one persons too hard is another persons too soft. That said, here are two that I love!

      Cervical contour: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DMC7THH/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o06_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

      Body/Pregnancy Pillow (awesome even if not pregnant, great for tv in bed): https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07GXPDBQ8/ref=oh_aui_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

      2. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

        Wow that body pillow looks like something I never knew I absolutely needed!

    7. New Bee*

      If you have any friends with kids, maybe ask if they have a leftover pregnancy pillow you can borrow to try?

  19. LGC*

    Might as well get the running thread off to a…running start. (I’ll be here all weekend. Tip your waiter.)

    Wish me luck – it’s snowing (lightly), and I’m about to try to go out for a long run this morning. After that…the Tokyo Marathon! (Watching/tracking it at least.)

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I was planning to go out there later today and wasn’t expecting a snow event (for some reason, I read the forecast as rain this morning, not snow) so I hope it doesn’t turn to black ice. Guess I will find out because it’s my last long run before my half marathon in two weeks and running today is my only choice. Hope yours went well!

      Sidetracking here but I’m finding the weather this winter in NYC really annoying. Lots of wind and lots of snow “storms” that dump half an inch of snow — enough to be annoying but not enough to disrupt anything. I wish we’d just get one big storm with 15 inches of snow, get a day off work, and it just gets it all out of its system at once.

      1. LGC*

        I KNOW RIGHT

        It’s actually been hell on our work schedule – two times in the past month we had to close mid-day and things were very up-in-the-air. (And the local loop that I like has been disastrously icy for a large portion of the past month, which has kind of messed with training.)

        I actually ended up staying in this morning (because I’m a wimp) and I’m probably going to switch to tomorrow to go long. The problem was NOTHING was plowed, and it would have been…unpleasant. Hopefully things should be slightly better by now, since it’s mid-day.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I think waiting for today will prove to be a good call. I went out around 3 pm and the sun abruptly came out and it got warmer than forecast… nice, but I was overdressed. And the path I was running on was only partially cleared and there were lots of walkers out, walking slowly and several people abreast. I kept having to run into the snow (or slush by that point) to get around them. I got through the run, but I think I expounded as much mental energy as physical energy. It was exhausting and it was one of the rare times I was really looking forward for it to just be over!

          1. LGC*

            The other issue was that I misread the text and apparently they were running today anyway. (Which made it good that I stayed in yesterday morning!)

            The weather itself was pleasant, but kind of slushy when I went out yesterday. This morning was…surprisingly clear for getting a few inches of snow the day before. (And then it’s supposed to snow AGAIN tonight.)

    2. Marion Ravenwood*

      Good luck with your run!

      I did parkrun this morning – 5k in 32:34, my best time of the year so far and only 10 seconds off my fastest parkrun time ever! Just shows the difference running a flat course can make I guess…

      Plus I’ve got a new letter for my alphabet challenge, a B for Stayin’ Alive (three parkruns beginning with B and three with G) and a new time for stopwatch bingo. And technically this counts for my second medal of the year for my virtual running club! So overall I’m pretty chuffed :) My first in-person race of the year is in two weeks – also on a flat course – so I think this gives me a good target to aim for for that.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          Essentially a ‘virtual’ run/race is an event that can be run at any time, any day, anywhere in the world (though usually over a period of a couple of weeks, but at a time that suits you). You usually get physical medals, but some people just choose to do the run for the sake of it. The events are based around a particular theme, and some virtual races are also now introducing apps so as you run the race you get snippets of a story or bits of information at particular milestones.

          A virtual running club is then made up of the people who do a particular group of virtual races, often related to a certain theme or fandom. The one I’m in is Harry Potter-related, so all the races and medals are themed around the books. We also run for our houses using a particular app that raises money for charity depending how many miles we run, and each house has goals to meet – number of new members, getting to a particular amount of miles run, race sign ups etc – which give us ‘points’ for the House Cup (you don’t get anything for winning that other than bragging rights, but it’s still fun and I personally find it quite a good incentive to go out and run).

    3. coffee cup*

      Good luck! I am going to go tomorrow, if I feel up to it. I’m also trying to pick a 10k to enter. Someone asked me today if I was doing any this year, and I would like to… but not sure which yet! Maybe a flatter one than Edinburgh, anyway…

      1. LGC*

        Good luck to you as well! I remember you said that Edinburgh wasn’t great, so – yeah – you might want to look for a flatter course.

    4. Jayess*

      Gary Robbins liked my finish line Instagram photo. *heart eyes emoji*

      I came 4th female, 29th overall out of 194 in my 1st race of the season last week! Ended borderline hypothermic, but happy happy happy!

      Obviously lots of things go into a good race, but I strongly recommend the Outside Online “Sweat Science” podcast series, and Alex Hutchinson’s book “Endure,” if you’re looking for some cerebral inspiration about getting into the Pain Cave while on a run. My running partner has also been reading David Roche’s “Happy Runner,” and is enjoying it very much (although it sounds a bit twee to me).

      FKT attempt in slightly less than 2 weeks, which means 3 more days of hammering the training, and then finally, finally, finally rest days. It’s finally stopped snowing here, the sun came out, and while the ground is still icy, I can see it again. Everything is looking rosy!

      2. LGC*

        Holy cow, congratulations on all of that! Good luck on the FKT as well, and be careful! (I’m fine with a lot of things but ice is the bane of my existence.)

        I’m also going to start listening to the Sweat Science podcast (because I don’t listen to enough podcasts already).

  20. Lcsa99*

    Bed-and-breakfasts – if we don’t want to partake in breakfast and don’t want to socialize with other guests, are they an appropriate choice for us?

    My husband and I are planning to visit an area that doesn’t have traditional hotel/motel choices in the immediate vicinity. There are, however, several highly rated B&Bs, but we’ve been hesitant about them for a couple of reasons:

    –We don’t want to socialize with the other guests; we kind of want our privacy. It would be great if the innkeepers were hospitable, but we would kind of want them to stay out of our way.
    –We probably wouldn’t eat breakfast. I generally don’t eat breakfast at all and my husband doesn’t like traditional bacon-and-egg American breakfasts.

    Would an innkeeper generally be understanding of these things? Would the other guests? I’ve watched too many episodes of Newhart and have read too many books that have taken place in B&Bs, so my viewpoint may be skewed here. (If it’s not, we’ll stay in a regular hotel 40 miles outside the area, but we’re hoping to avoid that.)

    To be clear, we’re talking about *traditional* bed-and-breakfasts, not Airbnb. Thanks!

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’ve stayed in B&Bs and never socialized with other guests. You get a room with a lock and mostly I am there or out and about. The innkeeper won’t care if you don’t want breakfast but might put together a “doggie bag” of food if you ask.

      You could look at reviews to see if the particular B&B is different but I haven’t found them to be any more social than a hotel.

      1. Lcsa99*

        That sounds great. And I like the idea of getting something to go – that would let them play host without the pressure of socializing.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      We recently stayed in one for the first time and I had the same worries. It was our anniversary so we wanted our privacy.

      Since a B&B is typically a home converted into an inn, it felt like staying in someone’s house, but with our own bathroom and a locking door. It had a game room with an 1800s billiard table (it’s a historic inn-1764), so people could socialize if they wanted to, but we didn’t run into any guests at all. People were either out or stayed in their rooms. They left cake and cookies in the dining room with very fancy plates and silverware. They had a mini fridge with free water, beer, soda and wine. They also had a community fridge in the kitchen where people could store anything they needed to store, like soda, insulin, whatever.

      The innkeepers didn’t stay in the inn. I believe their house was next door. The only time we saw them was at check-in and they gave us a tour of the house. We didn’t see them again until breakfast time. I don’t know if all inns are like that, though.

      We did have breakfast with everyone else. We thought it would be awkward, but it actually wasn’t. Maybe because we sat at the innkeepers’ table (they host the breakfast and mingle with the guests). The two other people at our table turned out to have much in common with us, so the conversation wasn’t full of awkward pauses. The other table tended to have the younger guests–we’re in our 40s and the others tended towards early 30s. Oh, and I loved how they set the table. It was their fanciest china, serving bowls, silver, homemade jams, crystal, etc. It felt so upscale.

      I would say the one thing that annoyed us was the noise from people using the deck outside to smoke. Our room was right by the door to the deck and we had people across the hall that arrived after 10 pm and went to the deck frequently that night to smoke. They also decided to go up into the attic, which was directly above our room. We could hear them clomping around and saying “this is so f***ing cool!” Since the house was built in 1764, it’s all historic hardwood floors, which means creaky floors and loud footsteps. But we have an old house, too–older than the inn–so we know that’s how it is. Still annoying when you’re trying to sleep, though, and you’ve paid to stay there. I made the suggestion to the innkeepers that they should add a lock to the attic door.

    3. Gerald*

      You can easily avoid other guests and not eat breakfast. My only suggestion would be to tell them, and maybe ask for something easy instead (“We don’t eat a hot breakfast but if possible would greatly appreciate an apple and muffin”)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, this. I forgot to mention that in my long post. The innkeepers specifically said, “We’ll have breakfast at 9 am. If your schedule allows, we’d love to see you.” Not pushy at all.

    4. Madge*

      You’ll be fine at the b&b. They usually aren’t the Newhart experience, they’re often just a homier version of a hotel. Inkeepers know to expect all sorts and the socializing is always optional. Some are big enough that there are lots of little tables for breakfast vs a big family style table. And there’s often continental options or a baked good you could grab on your way out.

    5. Lcsa99*

      This all sounds wonderful, and it’s exactly what we were hoping people would say! Thanks, everyone!

    6. Book Lover*

      I still have waves of embarrassment about a place I stayed in 20 years ago. Was told I could use the phone in the office during the day and when I used it later in the evening got told off by the owner because his kids were asleep and I was making too much noise :(. I am sure you will do just fine though.

      1. Brandy*

        That is definately an anomaly. I’ve stayed in more than 10 B&Bs. The only one that had kids had a separate house- kids were in the main farmhouse and guests were in the inn next door. Only knew there were kids because of the play structure outside and minivan in the drive.

    7. Alex*

      My experience at B&Bs is that you typically only socialize over breakfast–like, the host serves breakfast at a dining room table and people eat it there, and if you happen to eat breakfast at the same time, you chat with the other guests. I’ve never socialized with other guests besides that.

      But no one is going to force you to eat breakfast. You can just tell the host “Oh, we don’t eat breakfast” so they know not to expect you for it, and then just do your own thing.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yes, it’s best to be very clear about your preferences this is how the innkeeper will insure you have the stay you wish to have.
        It’s fine to say, no breakfast or doggie bag for breakfast or whatever. Just tell them up front so there are no surprises.

        Read the description of your chosen inn very carefully. Each sentence is there for a reason. “We are located next to a dairy farm.” This means expect farm smells. “We are right by the water.” This means there will be activity at the shore and safety equipment all over the place. “We are pet friendly.” If you don’t like pets/have allergies/whatever then this probably not the place for you.

        Inns do screen people, because not every inn is for everyone. That screen happens by way of describing what they are offering and what they are not offering. They want happy customers and they realize that they cannot bend enough to accommodate every desire out there. Being a small business they do not need hundreds of customers at a time, so this works out okay for them.

    8. Not All*

      I’ve stayed in a lot of them because work travel has a tendency to send me places where there isn’t much for traditional hotels. I’ve only run into the “we must socialize” and “we all sit down to breakfast together” a couple times, and it was early on when I didn’t know what to look for.

      Things I *always* verify now:
      -that there is a private bathroom accessed from inside my room (as opposed to from the hallway)
      -that breakfast (if I want it) is a buffet (more like continental style) that is available for a longer time period as opposed to “we will all sit at this long table together at precisely 9am”
      -many are set up with private entrances for each room as well
      -that there aren’t “hours”…I was absolutely shocked when one deadbolted the front access from 10pm – 6am!
      -double-check bed sizes. Anything labeled “historic” and “authentic” has even odds of only having full beds…find when I’m by myself but not good for couples or tall people!
      -check if each room has any individually adjustable climate control options (heat/cool); if not, verify what the thermostat is set to AND what the temperature is in each room since in historic homes those 2 numbers can have only a loose relationship!

    9. LilySparrow*

      You’re a paying guest. You don’t have any social obligation to the host or the other guests.

      The times I’ve stayed in a B&B, I just tell them the night before that I’ll only want yogurt and museli, or maybe a hard-boiled egg for breakfast. Or nothing, just coffee or tea. I get the newspaper or a book and drink my tea & read, then go out for the day to do whatever. Just like if I were in a larger hotel that had a breakfast buffet downstairs.

      I mean, I smile and am generally pleasant and polite in passing. But no need to socialize if you don’t want to. That’s just being an easy low-maintenance guest! No problem there at all.

      If there were other options, the question might be if a B&B was worth the cost. But in your case it sounds like the most reasonable choice anyhow.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      The guests and innkeeper will not care if you don’t want breakfast. (Though it’s polite to explain that so they don’t factor you into the French toast.) That happens all the time just for logistics like leaving early for a hike or meeting.

      I spent the day at a lovely B&B while my spouse and son went on an outing I physically couldn’t hack, and I alternately read on the porch and by the fire and then took a walk. No one talked to me more than they would if we were waiting together for the hotel elevator.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Yes, I’d definitely let them know so they don’t waste food.

        I only stayed in one, in Cardiff. They had the family-style breakfast at one table. The rest of the guests were very nice–mostly older English people, so we had some nice conversations about old-timey post-war stuff and I got some details for that book I was writing. I really enjoyed having breakfast with everyone instead of alone, like I would have in a hotel. But it’s not obligatory.

      2. ToBeOrNotToB&B*

        I’ve had all levels of experience. Some that are listed as B&B function much like the anonymity of a larger hotel. Others are “needy” sorts of hosts who are depending on you for company and praise for their homemade artisan muffins. Some are just pleasant and I enjoy getting to know them, but others make me feel like being a guest is a job description (which it is–even with the fondest of family). I call it “guest overhead” and I prefer the anonymous places. If I’m paying them, I don’t want to work that hard being “on”.
        Conversely, even chain hotels at smaller locations can lay the smarm on a little too thick and try to get too cozy. One shortened my name to Mrs. B&B (when it’s correctly NotTo-B&B), and then said it 3-4 times per sentence!
        Hope you have good luck telling them what kind of stay you prefer and having them honor it.

    11. Wulfgar*

      We went to one bed and breakfast in Maine that didn’t even have a formal breakfast. They left a basket of muffins and pastries at our door every morning.

    12. only acting normal*

      I’ve stayed in loads of b&bs in the UK and all over Europe, probably more than hotels, and I’ve only eaten round a single table with other guests at two: one at breakfast, one at dinner (you supplied allergies + preferences in advance and the hosts made everyone who booked it the same gourmet dinner – v nice!). It’s really the exception rather than the rule (here at least, I guess the norm may be different elsewhere). Most have a dining room with lots of little tables, like a cafe. See if their website or trip advisor has pictures.

  21. A.N. O'Nyme*

    We bought a little drinking fountain for the cats (link in reply)! I wonder which one will use it first.

    2. Book Lover*

      Ours likes hers! I put it through the dishwasher weekly and change the filter regularly.

    3. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Update: my cat drank from it earlier, so at least one of them figured it out already

    4. lammmm*

      My mom got me one for our cats. One got freaked out cuz it made noise and refused to go near it. The other sniffed it, then went over to their regular water bowl. We left it out for a day or so, but the cats had no interest in it whatsoever.

  22. Laura H.*

    So Lent is coming and I have about half a bag of dry lentils that I’d like to use for a Friday meal or as a side (used the first half last year for lentils and rice as a Lenten Friday meal.) (yay for shelf-stable legumes!)

    But I don’t cook much. Anyone have a minimal labor lentil recipe that’s not too spicy/ the batch can be made bland and spiced to taste/ tolerance? Side or main dishes appreciated.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      If you Google “baked lentils” you’ll see a recipe on allrecipes (dot) com for baked lentils with cheese. I have basically the same recipe on my blog, which came from my SIL, and she got it from the More-with-Less Cookbook by Doris Janzen Longacre. Mine calls for double the cheese of the allrecipes version. If you don’t want to chop veggies, you can buy frozen carrots, peppers and onions. You can leave the celery out if you want, too. I always leave it out since I’m not a big fan of cooked celery.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Look back up to the request for lunch recipes, I just put one there. :)

    3. Overeducated*

      Mujadarra is tasty – the lentils are cooked with rice and seasonings (not spicy) and you put a ton of fried onions on top. It’s good with salad and yogurt.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        That was going to be my suggestion! I make mujadara a lot and often serve it with roasted cauliflower and a yogurt sauce. That stuff is GOOD.

    4. Approval is optional*

      Lentil cottage pie or ‘bolognaise’. Mix the cooked lentils with a bland tomato sauce to start with.
      For the cottage pie, I thicken the sauce with tomato paste, add herbs/spices, add cooked chopped (often leftover) vegetables to the cooked lentils, put in oven proof dish, cover the lentils with mashed potatoes and stick under a grill (US broiler) to brown the top.
      For the bolognaise, thicken the lentils with tomato paste, throw in some herbs/spices and serve with pasta.

    5. D'Euly*

      For me, the key to lentils is not spice but acid. Boil till done with garlic and onions, salt well, then add a good slosh of balsamic vinegar.

    6. Llellayena*

      Lentil soup! It freezes very well so if you cook a big batch you can use it for multiple Fridays.

      1. the neighborhood autist*

        Seconded. Lentils + broth + veg + season to taste. The biggest labor is chopping, and you can even make it in a crock pot. My suggestion is to serve with some kind of bread product.

      2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I made a good instant pot lentil soup but they cook so fast it doesn’t really matter.

        Approx recipe:
        Lentils
        Broth (or water)
        Diced celery/onion/carrot
        Salt and pepper
        Dried thyme
        Bay leaves (optional)
        Tomato paste (optional)
        Garlic

        Sauté veg until tender about 5 min. Add garlic and tomato paste and thyme for another 30 sec. Add lentils and broth – simmer until lentils tender.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          This sounds good. I may try to make it on the stove (I don’t have an instant pot).

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m a big fan of lentil salad. Budget bytes has a really good one. No spice in it, as I recall, it’s more like a Greek salad

    10. Cambridge Comma*

      Fry onions. Dice sweet potatoes (maybe 500 g, is that a lb?) and fry for 4 minutes. Pour on veg or chicken stock to cover generously. Add 250 g dry lentils (if they are the orange or yellow kind). Cook for 30 minutes or until the potatoes and lentils begin to fall apart. Turn off heat. Stir through a couple of handfuls of washed but not dripping fresh spinach. Serve with rice.

    11. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      “Lent is coming and I have about half a bag of dry lentils that I’d like to use for a Friday meal or as a side”

      So I guess it is, in fact, okay to eat lentils on Lent.

      (Harvey Pekar fans will get it.)

      1. Laura H.*

        I don’t understand the reference but the similarity in sound certainly made me giggle while typing the question.

    12. Anonforthis*

      I recently made a delicious lentil/daal veggie stew with carrots, cauliflower, and a dash of coconut milk to make it a little creamy. Spices included salt, pepper, and a little turmeric (I also used curry powder, but you might want to omit this or just use a little if you don’t like spice.)

    13. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      A little outside the box, but I really like lentil sloppy Joes. Saute some diced veggies (celery, onion, carrots, and peppers are good) until they start to soften. Add lentils and enough veggie broth, canned tomatoes with juice, or water to cook. Cover and let simmer until the lentils are tender. Stir in a can of your favorite sauce, and let it simmer uncovered for a few minutes if it needs to thicken.

  23. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Also I’m on a train and someone clearly never heard of earbuds. I can hear the bad acting from three rows away.

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      “Everyone thought it was good!” Well they definitely weren’t talking about your acting, that’s for sure.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Is…is this person watching porn on the train? Because that’s what it sounds like. Conducter is on the way, though.

        2. UN Owen*

          Won’t be surprised if they are. I once saw a post complaining about a woman who watched porn on the train. She used earbuds . . . but the glass window behind her reflected the screen, so people knew she was watching porn anyway.

          1. A.N. O'Nyme*

            There are times and places to watch porn. “anywhere in public” is not among those.

    2. UN Owen*

      Ugh, this is the worst. There’s always at least one person like that in my commute, so I feel you.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Yeah. it’s even more annoying to me because you choose to be inconsiderate. Headphones don’t have to be expensive, people.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        Same. For some reason in London it seems to always be the people listening to music with offensive/misogynistic lyrics as well…

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’ve stopped suffering in silence for this and will straight-up say “excuse me, could you use your headphones?” They always remember to turn it off.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I still regret not saying something snippy to the lady who watched videos without headphones on the 50 minute shuttle to the airport.

    5. MissGirl*

      I was on the train yesterday sitting across from two seemingly drunk guys. I figured with it being 7 am, I’d give them benefit of the doubt they were just overly happy morning people. Until they passed the vodka bottle back and forth. Sigh, never been the recipient of so many fist bumps.

  24. Loopy*

    Reworking my budget this weekend and trying to find balance between savings and fun money. I’m fortunate to be pretty comfortable but also still want to be smart about my money- I have a significant fear of never being able to retire. For context, I’ve had a 401k since 25, have an independent IRA I started last year, but I think I’m still about 1-2 years behind where I want to be- I’ll be 31 in June.

    Right now, I’ve been spending a lot on baking, in impractical ways (buying expensive ingredients and lots of tools I’ll maybe not use regularly), but the fulfillment, excitement, and sense of accomplishment it’s resulted in has been far beyond any other hobby I’ve ever had. I really want to find a way to keep it up at the level I’ve been doing.

    On the other hand, husband is miserable at work and I want to be able to save now in case he needs to take a paycut for his own happiness and health. I know no one can tell me exactly how to rework my budget but has anyone else ever struggled with finding the balance? If anyone has any commiseration or wisdom its appreciated. I know it’s a good problem to have but also I do want to be smart and thoughtful about how I approach it.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I sympathise.

      I’ve had to rework my budget and my €40 years that I spent on books every month has had to be cut until I can get back to a decent level and it’s really disappointing, but since you’ve got all the fancy baking equipment, use the cheaper products for difficult bakes so that you can get the same fulfilment but it won’t be the end of the world if something goes wrong.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          I live in Spain and I don’t much like reading Spanish books as it takes me forever, so no library cards for me sadly.

          It’s not as bad as it sounds, to be honest. I have a huge pile of unread books that will take me all year to read but I enjoy buying books for the instant gratification.

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            I’m also somewhere without a good library and I’ve spent a good deal on books, so no judgement. Eventually I only let myself buy them used from flea markets and stuff. Now I just need to break my habit of liking to read on the balcony/patio of a nice bar that serves me wine, and it’ll stop being so expensive.

            1. ..Kat..*

              If your library has ebooks and you have a device that can read them, your library can save you money.

              1. Lemonwhirl*

                Yes +1 on this. I still have a library card from when I lived in the US. I am able to borrow e-books from the library in the US.

      2. Loopy*

        Ohhh I’ve done that. I used to have a monthly book budget and would buy at least a few per month. It’s hard to hear about new books you really want to read and not be able to run out and buy them, even with a pile of unread ones at home (I have such a pile and am still tempted to buy the new books I hear about). I have gotten used to it though. I have to limit how closely I follow the book community on twitter/my favorite authors, which is sad, but really helps with the temptation!

        Do you now ay fellow reader who would be interested in a informal book swap where you all trade books?

    2. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      An easy first step is to do an automatic direct deposit of 5-10% of your paycheck into a separate savings account. Pretend the tax rate or health insurance just went up, and get used to the new amount coming home with you
      Then look at a typical month’s spending. Some credit cards even do a breakdown for you, but you could also scan through a few statements and add stuff up by store/category.
      If you love ridiculous cooking, don’t give it up — it can put into your fun budget or your eating budget. And maybe it gets shifted into exploring foods that can can be homemade lunch instead of takeout.
      Reduce costs on things you don’t love, but do anyway, or that can be replaced with something cheaper– library books instead of buying, coffee from home instead of Starbucks, consignment shops instead of the mall.
      Make it a joint project so that the two of you are working together on the goal of freeing your spouse from his work nightmare. Every dollar you reduce becomes another fraction of an hour that he doesn’t have to work.
      (When I calculate the costs of things by the number of hours i have to work to get it, and then assign it to the specific work day, it helps me rein things in. “This gourmet waffle iron will cost me one Tuesday afternoon.”)

      1. Loopy*

        Ah this is great advice but I already do put away money automatically into savings! That’s the issue, I’m basically already cut down close to the bare minimum in budgeting. I have a gym membership I rather should keep for health reasons, a modest amount for eating out per month (50 dollars) and a category for “Other” – which is a catch all for things I forget about or that surprise me (oil changes, birthdays, unexpected home purchases).

    3. Argh!*

      Check out the consignment & charity shops for kitchen stuff. A lot of the specialty / gift items wind up there after people get bored with them. If you are really into creativity in the kitchen, this could help you.

      Also, do you have a maker’s market where you could sell baked goods? We have one that includes a “Bearded Baker” and “The Pie Lady.” They both light up when a customer tells them how much they enjoy their products. They also have regular, loyal customers. I have no idea what the profit margin is, but it seems like a good way to enjoy a hobby while reducing the cost. I’m sure their families aren’t eating Wonder Bread & Hostess pies!

      1. Loopy*

        My goodwill is lacking sadly. Everything there is very beat up and the selection is minimal sadly!

        I dont think I have such a thing that I could get into but also selling to the public terrifies me- I couldn’t do it. I cook out of my home kitchen with no food safety certs, no licenses to be a business, and zero protection should something happen. And I’ve also been told that I’d never qualify to use my home kitchen to make things to sell because I have a pet in the home. Alas! But it would be the perfect way to fund my projects!!!

        1. Old Biddy*

          If you’re patient, keep an eye on Craigslist/garage sale listings. My mom is a hardcore garage sale maniac and most of my kitchen stuff is from garage sales. (FWIW I’m 50 and love to bake.) I have Le Crueset cookware in an astonishing range of sizes from her, for example. The only thing I asked her to look for that she hasn’t been able to find at a good price is a stand mixer.
          Depending on what you like to bake, you could also try to focus on technique-heavy recipes with inexpensive ingredients for a while (i.e. bread rather than pies) or give yourself a price limit of how much you’re willing to spend per recipe. If you have access to Costco or something similar, you can get butter, flour, and nuts for a lot cheaper than the grocery store.

          1. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

            Seconding the Costco suggestion! One of my friends, an excellent cook who loves doing it, bakes THOUSANDS of (incredibly delicious) cookies every holiday season and buys those giant bags of sugar, flour, etc. by the cart full.

    4. purple otter*

      Yep, at some point, one has saved all they can without cutting into basics (rent, utilities, food) and really, the only way to save more is to make more money in the first place.

      1. Loopy*

        This is so true and probably where I am. But making more money in my field is impossible (my job pays the high end for what I do), and getting another income source would mean I dont have enough time to bake! Alas. But sometimes I need to be reminded of this.

    5. Alternative Person*

      I think you’re on the right track.

      It’s important to balance the long-term future with having fun along the way. I worked out tentative short and long term financial goals and figured out how to achieve them with some wriggle room. I’ve also made things like concerts/festivals/trips/nice things budget line items for a few years now, so it means I have money to have fun, but I have to prioritize what I want which really works for me.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks. I’m actually usually too frugal. Right now, I’m living on about 53% of my take home pay. I just get worried that it’ s a slippery slope if I stop being so strict on savings and I’ll regret it later when I’m out of a job/in a bind. The balance is definitely the struggle for me.

    6. Ali G*

      I’d start with looking at how much you want to save (in addition to your 401k and IRA) every month and work back from there. That way you can allocate to your savings first.

      1. fposte*

        Yup, agree with this. At 31, you have plenty of time, Loopy, but to make the most of that time, why not get some clarity about your expected needs now? You can start with the rule of thumb of aiming for 25x your annual living expenses in savings (if you’re eligible for social security or a pension, deduct the annual income from that from the annual living expenses before you do the 25x). Don’t worry about real or nominal dollars at this stage, and understand that a lot of those savings will come from compounding, not just direct contributions. Play with an online retirement calculator, maybe, like FIREcalc or i-ORP (you can Google for those).

        And because of compounding as well as inflation, the $100 you save now will be tons more valuable to you than the $100 you save at 65. If you’re saving well in your 401k and IRA at 31, you’re doing a good early start that you’ll be glad for later.

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          Thank you for this. I’m my non 403B savings starting now (at 62 – argh) but the i-ORP planning tool is great. VERY helpful.

      2. Loopy*

        Right now I think I’ve worked out that after deducting 15% for 401k I actually put away about 40% of my monthly income into savings, which sounds insane but my husband and I agree that now is when we will have the most disposable income because we don’t have kids or elderly parents to support and that very much may not always be the case. So it feels like we have this prime savings widow we should maximize because we are in a very fortunate spot and dont want to be blind to that and waste the advantage!

    7. Dr. Anonymous*

      One of the ways to help find that balance is to try to uncouple the fun from the fun money. Trent at the Simple Dollar writes about having fun for free and how to enjoy your hobbies without Buying Stuff for Your Hobby becoming a hobby of its own.

      1. Loopy*

        Normally, this is what we do! I volunteer for fun on Saturdays and we do date nights in with a pizza and movie at home. But baking is the first time I’ve really been passionate about learning something new and I’m just not ready to give it up, even though there’s no way to do it without buying at least the edible supplies.

    8. My Brain is Exploding*

      A few suggestions: try to put things like your car insurance that are billed one or twice a year on monthly auto payment. This will help with budgeting. Try to set aside 15% of your income into retirement accounts. Gotta make a budget (try a budget that is what you anticipate you might be living on if your spouse gets a lower-paying job to see if you can do it and bank the extra).

      1. Loopy*

        I’m definitely on the right track with this stuff. I’m moving retirement from 10% to 15% and have a spreadsheet system I use for budgeting! :)

    9. Dan*

      Yeah, in some ways, that’s been the story of my life. And in a good way, lately, that problem has just been getting “worse”.

      First things first, I’m not a fan of “save X% and be done with it.” It’s great for mass market financial advice, but I’m not sure how many people are really “average”. IMHO, everybody needs custom tailored advice for their wants, needs, and situation in life.

      In my case, I live in an HCOL area, and graduated school with $92k in student loan debt. So between rent and student loans, I have two substantial concerns in the “here and now.” Saving for a house down payment? That’s a chore on top of what I already have to deal with. Never mind that in 2013, live threw me two curve balls — I got laid off from a job and split with my ex. At the start of new job in 2014, I ended up with $20k on my credit cards.

      So should I get a roommate and split rent expenses? Many would suggest that. But I’m an introvert, and living by myself is a-w-e-s-o-m-e. In other posts, from time to time, I talk about some of the extensive foreign travel that I do. My finance guy is still bewildered that 1) I can travel like that, 2) Pay down my student loans and consumer debt, and 3) Still save appropriately for my retirement. In many ways, my financial life is a constant battle between debt management and living. The complicating thing is that I grew up quite poor, and ever since I was a kid, my life long goal has been to be financially comfortable. While I can’t have *everything* I certainty want to be able to buy a few nice things every now and then without constantly have to tell myself I can’t afford it.

      How do I pull all of this off? How do I find a balance? I work backwards. I look at the long term first stuff. While one can “always save more” for retirement, there is such thing as a good start. Then figure out what your musts are for the “here and now”. Me? I don’t mind renting, and I like living by myself, so I’m ok with having a higher rent bill, even if it means I can’t build a down payment fund for a house.

      So figure out what you want out of life, and the priority order of it.

      I started out this post by saying “the problem keeps getting worse.” How? It’s not the debt or the spending, it’s the income. It keeps going up. I’ve been in my professional career for ten years. I spent five years at one job, and five years at my current job. My first job started me out pretty decent for a first job out of college, but in the 5 years I was there, I had a *cumulative* total increase in my income of 10%. My take home pay had increased about $400/mo over that time. My rent had increased $200/mo — I was hardly making any ground.

      This job has been a completely different story. They started me out at a bit higher rate than what I had been making at the last job, *and* the raises have been healthy and consistent. Since the day I started 5 years ago, I’m now making $40k/year more (before taxes) which includes a recent promotion. And our 401k match is generous.

      My company does raises in two different ways — there’s an annual review cycle where basic merit and COLA raises are given, which is all done at the end of the year. Then there is the promotion cycle, which is done a few months later. One other nice thing my company also does is this wholistic “equal pay for equal work” assessment. They don’t call it that, but they will make pay adjustments if they think your overall comp is out of whack considering your pay band, education, and contributions. (Trust me, this is a good thing.)

      I had gotten like a 5% raise at the end of last year, redid my budget, and was satisfied with the financial plan I put together, until… I got promoted this year. While I was sort of expecting to get promoted sooner or later (hopefully sooner), what was unexpected was just how big the raise was going to be — my take home is increasing $400/pay check. This is huge. Overnight, for the same work I had been previously doing, I now have to figure out what I’m going to do with an extra $800 month. How much more fun do I get to have? How much faster do I pay down those student loans? How much do I increase my 401k contributions? Do I start saving for that house? For me, everything is getting some love. The house is becoming a reality, too — even though it’s not the highest thing on my priority list, it’s on the horizon if I want it.

      IMHO, the answer is: Figure out what are the priorities in your life, and iterate through a budget until you’ve funded things at levels that you are comfortable (and hopefully happy) with. First and foremost, *you* have to live with it, so do your level best to be happy with it.

      1. Loopy*

        This was some great perspective. I feel similarly in the I just got a big pay raise at this job I started about 8 months ago, so it was hard to figure out how to both enjoy that and be practical about it. I also know I wont actually find this salary elsewhere and my contract will end at some point so that complicates things. I put a budget line in for baking for $100 a month and bumped my retirement up to 15% for my 401K, which seems like a good balance.

    10. just a random teacher*

      One thing that’s saved me a lot of money on my own baking hobby is buying ingredients in bulk. If I’m really only going to need enough of a specialty ingredient to make something once, I buy it loose from a bulk bin so I can pay by weight and not end up with most of a bag of whatever-it-is left over. This is particularly useful for spices, but I also buy things like coconut flour this way.

      On the other end of the spectrum, I buy whole wheat flour in 50 pound bags since I know I’ll go through it quickly. The same place that I buy my by the pound bulk stuff will also sell their bulk items by the case at a discount, although for less-common items you may have to order in advance.

      1. Loopy*

        I used to be able to buy from bulk bins when I lived in AZ but I just never see them where I live now, in SC! I LOVED them and miss the option terribly! I should consider looking for bulk prices for some other things though!

    11. Annonymous*

      If you are in a PNC Bank area they have a great account system called Virtual Wallet which helps you with spending tracking as well as how to save for everything from big (6 months funds after Husband goes job hunting) to small (vanilla bean from Whole Foods) Check it out, it is really great.

    12. Libby*

      I don’t have any advice but I’ve been in (am currently in) your shoes and I know how it feels. For me, the money I spend is on things for my house. $40/month buys me one thing that can absolutely change the way I live. $100 or more makes a big impact.

      I have decided, personally, that the value of $40-$100 spent on household items is more than the value of $40-$100 saved. I do my best to save, and last year paid off the majority of my debts (mortgage and one small non-interestbearing loan notwithstanding), so I have given myself permission to make these purchases. Knowing that I’m getting the satisfaction from these purchases makes it easier for me to put a significantly larger percentage of my income into savings or debt payments. Without the joy, I’d constantly feel like I was slugging away.

      If your husband was to change jobs and need to take a pay cut, would you need to rely on savings (at least for a time)? Or would your savings and spending priorities need to change? Some combination of both?

    13. ArtsNerd*

      It really sounds to me like you’re erring far on the side of frugality and savings, which is great — but don’t deprive yourself of things that bring you the most joy.

      I’m trying to strike this balance too. There are very few places I can realistically cut and maintain the level of mental health I’m striving for (e.g. cleaning service is non-negotiable for me, even though it’s generally considered a ‘luxury.’)

      One thing I just discovered and am finding SO HELPFUL is Amazon Allowance — I have a gift card set up to auto-reload, and once I’ve spent my allowance money for the month, I have to wait until the next month to get that extra doodad I’ve had my eye on but don’t urgently need.

  25. The Other Dawn*

    For anyone that works out at home, what piece of equipment do you feel gives you the most bang for your buck?

    I’ll be making a home gym over the next few months (15′ x 15′ size) and need to get some equipment. I have kettle bells, a few dumbbells, one wall ball, a treadmill and an elliptical (although I may not keep it). I also just bought an exercise mat for the ab work I do. Based on the stuff I do now with my trainer, I’d like to get a couple slam balls. I’d also love to get battle ropes, but I don’t think it will work in the space. All the ropes I’m seeing are a minimum of 30′, which would require 15′ to use; it would be a really tight fit.

    For the big equipment, my trainer recommended a Smith machine since I can do a lot with it and it’s safer than barbells and such. I decided to start looking and I found one that I really like. It’s a combo Smith machine and functional trainer in one. What’s great is the Smith bar is tied into the weight stacks, which means I won’t have to buy the weight plates. It’s expensive, but it has the smallest footprint and I can do basically everything I could ever want to do without getting extra equipment. (Plus I got a large “stay” bonus from the company that acquired my old company, so I do have the money to spend.) I don’t know if I want the bench that goes with it since it would add $500 (it comes with leg and preacher curl attachments). I might just go with a regular utility bench.

    1. annakarina1*

      I have a small apartment, so for workouts I have a yoga mat and three sets of weights at different lbs (6, 10, 15). I usually work out with a YouTube exercise series for about an hour to 90 minutes 2-3 nights a week.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Just a thought. You might want to look at a Pilates reformer. You can find them used online and they are super versatile.

    4. Nacho*

      I do everything with just a pair of dumbbells. There are plenty of exercises you can do with just those

    5. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I love, love, love TRX straps! A few years back (before I got too sick) I was working with a personal trainer & he incorporated TRX straps. They actually take the place of a LOT of different equipment. And you can buy a poster that has the different positions to do and what they are for.
      Wiki – TRX is a form of suspension training that uses body weight exercises to develop strength, balance, flexibility and core stability simultaneously.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I wish I could, but my ceiling height is limited. I’m converting a shed that’s attached to my garage. The ceiling is exposed and follows the garage roof line and there are cross beams. I suppose in good weather I could just take it outside, though.

    8. Mashed potato*

      I don’t workout at home anymore
      But I have a ~$10 ab roller and ~$10? Pull up bars

      And at home yoga/ stretching is good for joint

    9. Earthwalker*

      Depends what you’re trying to do, of course. We’ve got dumbbells light to medium heavy, a barbell, a jumprope (that really is a lot of bang for the buck, and it’s small to put away, too), and a medicine ball by the bed. Actually, the medball is the one addition I’ve loved most. Every morning, first thing, the Tarheels medicine ball routine (google it) on the bedroom floor. It starts the day right.

    10. Vancouver Reader*

      TRX has a very tiny footprint, and you use your body weight for resistance. It was developed by the army(?), and can be used pretty anywhere.

    11. CatCat*

      Adjustable dumbbells are the best equipment that I have. I have Power Blocks and I love them.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        We had those at work and I used them all the time. I do have some dumbbells, but those would be good for when I’m ready to up the weight. I only have the 10 and 15 pound dumbbells at the moment.

    12. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks for all the suggestions. I’m going to have a limited space, so I do plan to have one big piece of equipment that does almost everything, but the smaller things will be good when I want to mix it up. I’m hoping my husband will join me in there, too, but I’m not all that hopeful on that front. He does seem interested, though.

  26. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Squeaky shoes–what to do?
    I got a new pair of boots to replace the worn-out ones I had that had lopsided soles and were killing my feet. They look good, they’re warm, they’re super comfortable, and (though I know it doesn’t solve the root problem) my heel doesn’t hurt anymore…

    …but they SQUEAK! The squeak is coming from the soles. Unfortunately, I didn’t discover this until after I wore them for a few days (the first couple of which were not on the bare linoleum floor we have at work) and put the box out for recycling.

    Is there a way to quiet them down? I work in a library, so squeaky shoe soles (say that five times fast!) are not the best.

    Dr. Google suggested baby powder, which turned my dark-colored socks white and made my boots smell pleasantly like baby, but did nothing for the actual squeak. The next suggestion I’m seeing is spraying WD-40, which I tried the last time I had squeaky shoes and turned them into a dangerous tripping hazard… and also did nothing for the squeak. After that, I’m being told to visit a cobbler. I really don’t want to do this; every cobbler I’ve ever encountered has been unpleasant and lecture-y.

    Two coworkers told me the shoes will quiet down as the soles wear in, but I haven’t really found that to be true yet.

    So… any other thoughts, or do I have to throw these otherwise great boots in the garbage and eat the money? Thanks in advance!

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’m sorry, I realize this isn’t much help, but I’m just amused by the idea of a cobbler lecturing me on how I don’t take good care of my shoes.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Other than that – maybe go on a multi-mile walk in them this weekend and see if that does the trick?

        1. valentine*

          Take them to a cobbler. Maybe they will be so extreme as to keep them, like the mechanic who stole Seinfeld’s car because Seinfeld didn’t treat it right.

          Even without the box, you should be able to get a refund. As a last resort, tweet the brand for advice.

    2. Approval is optional*

      I seem to remember a friend sanding the soles of their shoes (with fine grade sandpaper I assume) when they wouldn’t stop squeaking after they’d been worn in.

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      Shoe Goo or maybe glue-on sole covers (there is at least one company that makes them to protect the soles of fashion pumps like Louboutin).

    4. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

      Is the baby powder supposed to be put in the inside of the shoe, or on the outside? I’d think that the idea is to use the talc to eliminate the friction that is causing the squeak.
      I don’t know if that would cause a slipping hazard like the WD 40, so I’m not actually recommending it. Sandpaper sounds like your best bet here.
      When I’ve had squeaky shoes, it just went away with time, so I don’t really have any other suggestions.

  27. CoffeeforLife*

    Everything but the bagel seasoning.

    I was super excited to try it because that’s my favorite bagel but I quickly realized I don’t know what to use it on. I’ve mostly read that people “put it on everything” but what?!?! I tried it in cottage cheese and it wasn’t bad. Any suggestions/ recipes would be appreciated!

    1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Your eggs … In some olive oil for dipping bread … On pasta with oil … in flour/breading mixes on fish or chicken ….

    2. Lady Alys*

      Epicurious.com has a post from April 2018 with a long-ish list of suggestions, e.g. compound butter.

    3. Kathenus*

      I use mine on cut up raw veggies, sometimes when cooking veggies, and rotate it with other seasoning options on any meat that I would use a salt/salt blend as part of the seasoning. Basically anywhere I might use salt or seasoned salt I might use this instead at times for a change of pace. I LOVE this stuff!

    4. I Work on a Hellmouth*

      I sprinkle it on avocados, I sprinkle it on toast with cream cheese, I sprinkle it in olive oil to dip bread/rolls into, and I also have sprinkled it onto some sandwich fillings. It’s also kind of tasty sprinkled onto salads with a neutral salad dressing.

      1. Kathenus*

        Ooh, I haven’t tried it on avocados yet. Definitely factoring that into my weekend snacking plans :)

    6. Bluebell*

      I’ve been restricting my potassium lately but I bet it would be fantastic on a baked potato.

    7. Sparkly Librarian*

      Rice, eggs, avocado, chicken. Cottage cheese is a great idea, thank you. I’ve found that one shaker lasts a long time!

  28. Bibliovore*

    Working today but taking a half day on Monday and all of Tuesday. Progress. Enough with the snow.

    1. Enough*

      I’m with you. Thursday 3 inches. 3 more last night. And 6-10 coming Sunday. Add the neighbor on the corner who always leaves a car on the street who this week is in Vegas. So not only do we get the partially plowed road(the drive way was available) he’s not here to clear the walkways.

      1. just a random teacher*

        How do people usually handle getting sidewalks shoveled if they’re away on vacation like that? I live someplace that only gets a shovel-worthy snowstorm about every 5 years so I haven’t had to deal with it yet (this is the first place I’ve lived that had sidewalks rather than just a road), but I don’t avoid scheduling vacations all winter just in case it might snow, so I’ve been wondering how other people handle this situation.

        1. Bibliovore*

          We text the mom of the kid across the street. Watch the weather and text. pay him when we get home. Last year we missed EVERY storm. This year I am here for everyone of them.

  29. Bibliovore*

    I want to veg out this afternoon when I get home and by myself all tomorrow. Anyone have Hulu,Amazon prime, Netflix suggestions. Won’t want to read.
    I like stargate sg 1 and shows like timeless. Frankie and Grace. And Bosch.

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      For cop/murder shows, I’m having a lot of fun with Endeavour, which is young Inspector Morse in the 60’s.

      Farscape is considered pretty cool if you’re into Stargate stuff (older 90’s scifi – fun and colorful), and there’s Killjoys (bounty hunters in space – fun) and The Expanse (politics and bountyhunters in Space – more gritty) for more modern scifi.

      Then there’s Brooklyn Nine Nine, which is just the world’s most likable people being adorable together.

      1. Sunny*

        LOVE Endeavour!

        For drama, Bloodline (3 seasons!) was marvelous, and we liked Ozark as well.

        1. Sunny*

          Oh and the ABC Murders with John Malkovich. 3-hour miniseries.

          Funny, I don’t like to read mystery novels, but love watching them.

    3. Nicole76*

      I just recently discovered a cute little series on Netflix called Kim’s Convenience and am hooked. There’s two seasons available to stream since it’s still airing in Canada.

      1. Jen in Oregon*

        This!!! I love this wonderful show!! (And you can find season 3 episodes on YouTube)

    4. the9thchevron*

      If you like crime try The Closer! Also heard good things about The Expanse, and Dark Matter is a mix of Farscape, Stargate, and Firefly. Also Absentia on Amazon is just so good if you don’t mind a lot of suspense.

    5. Jaid*

      Umbrella Academy. It’s based on a superhero comic book. Kids with powers grow up together and the show looks at them in their adulthood.

      1. Tris Prior*

        I really enjoyed this show and everyone else I know seems to have hated it. I’ve no idea why! Though, they did borrow HEAVILY from X-Men.

      3. Karen from Finance*

        Binged that in a single weekend. I loved it!

        I don’t think it borrows from X-Men so much, but rather it tries to subvert it. It was fun.

      4. Loopy*

        I’m 5 episodes in now and am surprised at how much I’m loving it- I rarely care for TV!

    6. Something Blue*

      Counterpart. The show has a sci-fi premise of parallel worlds but is more of a spy show with people from the two worlds interacting or scheming. Two parallel worlds intersect in modern Berlin. Some people are obsessed with their “twin”’s life. Some people are doing politics within their own hierarchy. And some people are trying to attack “our” world from the other one. It’s fascinating!

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Seconding The Expanse and Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and I’ll add that I’m really loving One Day at a Time, Orphan Black, Russian Doll, and The Umbrella Academy.

    9. SaaSyPaaS*

      I like Drunk History (it’s on Hulu). I think there’s an entire season I somehow missed that I’ve been catching up on.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Sci Fi:
      Continuum (time travelers from different factions, some deliberate and some accidental, wind up in Vancouver). One thing I really like here is that the terrorists have a point about the police state’s brutality, and the little cogs in the police state have a point about just wanting to not be blown up.
      Travelers (time travelers trying to change the future time travel back into the bodies of people who are about to die and take over their lives)
      Dark Matter (six people wake up on a spaceship with their memories wiped and have to piece together how they got there).
      Limitless (one good season of a show about becoming super smart via a dangerous pill; good casting and writing sells it, and it ends on a reasonable wrap up)

      Mystery:
      Death in Paradise: A series of fish-out-of-water British inspectors are assigned to solve crimes in the Caribbean paradise of San Marie. Light and frothy and fun.

    12. Curly Sue*

      I’m a big fan of Midsomer Murders (on Netflix) – slightly more intense than your usual British cozy crime show, but still fairly gentle. Curmudgeonly but caring detective with fairly interchangeable young sergeants solve creative murders in the English countryside.

      One caveat: The earlier seasons tended toward the very, VERY white and either kill your gays / Evil Gays tropes (men in dresses! Shocking! Ick.) But they got that out of their systems and it gets progressively better in later seasons.

    13. Wulfgar*

      I’m binging iZombie right now. A doctor becomes a zombie and needs brains to live, so she becomes a medical examiner in the Seattle morgue. She helps cops solve crimes because she gets the memories and emotions of the person that she ate.

      Legends of tomorrow is also very good. Time travelers who also work with The Flash, The Green Arrow, and Supergirl. Of course, all three of those series are good too.

    14. Bibliovore*

      I worked more than I meant but also watched more TV than I meant so I guess it all evens out. Counterpart was engrossing, distracting, and just what I needed.

  30. Catherine Tilney*

    My husband and I have decided that we want to move to another part of the US, somewhere with a warmer climate like the Southwest. How do we go about narrowing down our search for a good city? We know a few people in Arizona, but not in the area we were thinking of. We can’t move for at least 5 years, so we have plenty of time to research. Does anyone know of any good websites to help?

    1. Argh!*

      Google “Best places to live” and you’ll find several, including some with a specific focus (retirement, family, etc.)

    2. Book Lover*

      If you are looking at Arizona and want a fair sized city, you are usually looking at Phoenix/suburbs or Tucson. Unless you really like elevation and snow, I guess. Outside of that you aren’t going to find that many areas that have good restaurants and concerts, etc.

      Tucson is lovely and smaller, kind of a college town. You can get a sort of similar feel in Tempe. Scottsdale and paradise valley are pricier. There are areas more for horse people, areas where javelinas will wander through. Kind of depends on what you like. If you are religious you could sort of see where the temples and so on are and go from there.

      I assume you are retiring or jobs are portable? Otherwise job searching would narrow it down.

      1. Catherine Tilney*

        We will be visiting Tucson next week for an event, an we’re anxious to get an idea of how it is there. I was looking at Flagstaff as a possibility. The weather there is cooler in winter, but not bone-chilling like it is here at home. Phoenix, I think, would be too hot in summer. We’re looking all over – Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico, maybe even Utah.

        1. Shell*

          Tucson native here. I love my hometown, but if Phoenix is too hot, Tucson is, too. Technically, yes, it is cooler than Phoenix, but all that means is that when it is 110 degrees in Phoenix, it is probably 105 in Tucson. In the summer, you can expect temperatures over 100 (most days) for months on end. Winter is fantastic, though.

        2. Loopy*

          I lived in Tucson for two years and loved it. Being able to go up the mountain was a lifesaver for some cooler temps if thats a concern. It does depend on how close you live to them but I could get to the base in about 30 minutes and it was well worth it for me. I did a ton of hiking up there. I couldn’t go up every day but on weekends in summer when I was stir crazy looking at gorgeous blue sky and trapped inside, it was nice to at least be able to go up the mountain!

          I really enjoyed Tucson, I always thought it had more personality than Phoenix.

        3. OyHiOh*

          Consider parts of Colorado also.

          Pueblo has a bit of a microclimate thing going on. Most of the truly awful weather gets blocked by Pike’s Peak to the north. Decent size community, robust university system, thriving arts scene, close enough to Colorado Springs and Denver to get to big city attractions easily and comfortably.

    3. Llellayena*

      Start visiting the area regularly (long weekends, vacations) and make connections with people and groups while you’re there. If you build a network before you move it’ll be easier to settle in. And you’ll get insider tips on living in the different towns.

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      My sister lives in Flagstaff and is always posting photos of snow drifts, icicles, whiteouts…so maybe 20° seems much warmer than 2° but that seems pretty lateral to me.

      I’d start by making a list of musts/needs/wants. Do you want to be close to water? Hiking? Camping? Mountains? Hunting? Off Roading? Live theater? Concert Halls? Pro Sports Venues? 5 star dining? City housing? Public transit? Suburbs? Acreage?

      Making lists of things you know you want in your daily lives or at least close access to helps. Do you need outdoor or indoor activities?

      I lived in Las Vegas for 10 years and loved it. It has a great mix of recreation, city, and nature. Skiing is as close as 45 minutes away (better skiing a few hours), there are lakes and rivers for boating, and plenty of parks. Awesome dining, live shows, sports, shopping, etc. Most of that isn’t even on the strip and there is a huge vibrant city moments away from the touristy areas.

      A lot of the SW is HOT during the summer, has extremely short fall and spring seasons but mild winters.

    6. MysteryFan*

      I chose new Mexico for my retirement. Las Cruces is pretty small, but coming into a more urban vibe with more restaurants etc. The lack of traffic still astounds me, and i’m impressed with the level of medical care available. Albuquerque is colder.. (I wanted NO SNOW, so I chose LC), but is a MUCH more cosmopolitan city than Las Cruces. The political vibe is more Blue in NM than in AZ for the most part. But there are lots of exceptions!

  31. Lcsa99*

    Has anyone had an luck getting rid of really dry spots on their skin, particularly places like knees and elbows? My husband has a spot on one knee that’s particularly dry (and it’s starting on the other too, though we’ve been trying to stave it off). We’ve tried exfoliating and that just seemed to make it worse. Most lotions don’t seem to do much, if anything. The current lotion we’re trying, O’Keefes seems to help a little, but if he misses one night it’s like he’s starting from scratch. 

    We would really prefer to avoid sending him to the dermatologist. The last time he went (to lance a cyst on his back) it ended up with him blacking out and being rushed to the hospital. So even though it’s not likely to happen again, we’d both prefer to avoid the anxiety and memories of going again. 

    So what have you done to help really dry skin?

    2. Argh!*

      CeraVe moisturizing cream (in a tub). It’s not greasy and it soaks right in.

      Also, there’s something called BioBalm that’s magical for dogs. I just put some on my own elbow as an experiment and it feels pretty good, but it’s oily.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I kinda love the idea of trying something intended for dogs on him, but I might have a hard time convincing him!

      2. Anonforthis*

        I second CeraVe. I have eczema prone skin (aka the top layer of my skin is missing and tends to get very scaly and dry) and this is the brand my dermatologist recommended for me. And use the cream in the tub not the lotion dispenser.

        (Fun fact, most lotions are water-based, so they can dry out your skin or at least do very little to lock in moisture.) CeraVe is developed my dermatologists to renew the skin barrier. For extra protection, apply petroleum jelly or oil AFTER applying the body moisturizer to lock the moisture.

      3. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

        Oooh, I’m going to try this. I already use their facial cleanser and I love it.
        Because of sensory processing issues I am abnormally sensitive to the feel of greasy or oily lotion and have had a difficult time finding any that don’t trigger that sensory response.

    3. Anona*

      I find lotion works better if I put it on wet skin. It takes longer to dry/rub in, but it seems like the lotion locks in the moisture that way.

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I’d also try cutting back on caffeinated drinks and alcohol. The more coffee and beer I drink during the winter, the dryer my hands tend to get, even when I use lotion religiously. The dryness backs off a little, though, when I focus on drinking plain water, like at least 2 quarts/litres total per day.

      Speaking of lotions, the ones that work best for me are Vaseline Intensive Care and Aveeno. And a trick that works well for me is to slather on the lotion at bedtime, then cover the skin with long sleeves/pants and old knit gloves. (By the time I might wake up overheated, the lotion is absorbed in, and I can take off the sleeves/pants/whatever.)

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Treat it as a two part problem: internal and external
      Add good oils to his diet, this means daily. You can get fish oil capsules if you think this would be a good way to make the oil happen.
      Make sure he drinks water daily. Different people use different amounts. I go by dividing my body weight by 2 and that number becomes the number of ounces of water to drink. If he is not near this amount, he should work his way up to it over a period of days possibly weeks.

      Externally, take a look at his bath soap. I like to use an organic, moisturizing type soap. I use Jason but there are others out there that are good, also. If you have hard water, and you would know if the water is hard, then he can add some baking soda to his bath water, so the water is not so harsh on his skin. Next, lotion. I like St.Ives. It’s fairly inexpensive and I get results.

      Cysts on the back can be avoided by using a back brush daily. My father had a nasty one in the middle of his back. The doc pointed out that men do not reach the middle of their backs like women do. The doc said get a bath brush. My father did and used it when he bathed, he never had another occurrence. Yeah, those cysts are nasty.

      1. Anonforthis*

        Speaking of showering, I usually only apply soap to my armpits, groin, and feet. You don’t actually have to apply soap to your entire body (exceptions being any way you need to treat the cysts). Also, if you are comfortable, I recommend taking sponge baths a few times a week as opposed to a full on shower (as water dries out your skin.)

    6. Agent J*

      Perhaps add some oils to your skincare routine. There are a ton out there and since it’s for the body (and not the face), you don’t have to be as discerning about what kind. I would try using coconut oil or jojoba oil on the dry spots after applying the lotion.

    7. Carbovore*

      Stay hydrated!

      For me, my “dry area” tends to be my face and though I’ve never seen a dermatologist, pretty sure I have rosacea. I use rosehip oil in the morning after my shower and aloe vera at night before going to bed.

      A big favorite of mine used to be “Udderly Smooth” as well–cream that comes in a jar. I still use it occasionally, it’s really creamy, absorbs quickly, and doesn’t have an odor. My husband still uses it everyday. (And yes–there’s a pun for a reason–the cream was originally developed to moisturize dry and cracked udders of cows!)

      1. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

        I love that stuff, and it’s one of the few moisturizers that doesn’t bother my sensory processing disorder.

    8. Dry Person*

      Use a cream, not a lotion. Lotions are thinner and they just don’t cut it, at least not for me. Someone else mentioned CeraVe, which is really good (recommended by my dermatologist) but is kind of expensive ($20). What I found works just as well, and is relatively inexpensive ($6 for a jar slightly smaller than the CeraVe), is a product called Udderly Smooth. It was developed for cows’ udders! It is all I use now. I used to have really dry and hard skin on my feet, and as a type 2 diabetic was warned against letting them get so dry as it leads to cracking and bleeding, and then worse things. I never believed my feet could be so smooth and soft (my hands too.) You can get it in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart in a normal sized container, or in bulk at the agri-stores!

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        Heh, my parents always had a tin of Bag Balm (also for cows’ udders, with corresponding illustrated label), and I found it very embarrassing when I was young. Lanolin is the key ingredient.

        I have found CeraVe to work wonders for my dry skin (especially facial patches that crop up in dry weather), but I have had a container for months and barely dented the surface. A little goes a LONG way.

    9. Madge*

      Here’s a bedtime routine that has worked for my daughter’s dry skin: Start with a light lotion or single ingredient oil like coconut oil. Then layer on something thick like Vaseline, aquafor, or even crisco. Then wrap the area with Saran Wrap. Since it’s at a joint you could use a sock with the toe cut off or an ace bandage to keep the Saran Wrap in place. Try it for a couple of days and see how it works.

    10. Elf*

      Lanolin!!!! It’s generally just marketed as nipple ointment for nursing mothers, but it is THE BEST. I put it on my lips when they’re cracked and bleeding, and they are better within a few applications. I notice my four year old’s face is getting raw, I put it on, and it’s better by morning. It works better than anything else (do not use if you are allergic to wool). It is a little unpleasantly sticky, but so worth it!

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        +1000 I love it! I used to get these really dry flakey patches around my lips that would crack. Lanolin is a miracle salve. Look for it in the baby care section of Target etc.

        Just started using this Gold Bond Ultimate Overnight cream for my hands ( so dry this winter) and they are soft again.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I have eczema on my hands and the Gold Bond Eczema Relief lotion is great. It doesn’t cure the condition but it relieves the dryness very well.

          I heard argan oil (pure, no additives) was good for it also. But I can’t seem to find it in any stores around here (don’t want to pay shipping if I can avoid it).

          1. Qosanchia*

            I usually find argan oil with hair care products, or in salon-type shops. I think I’ve bought it at the grocery store before, I’ve definitely found it at Sally and similar places

    11. Not All*

      I concur…anything labeled “lotion” just isn’t going to cut it. He *has* to use creams/butters. I like Cetaphil, Burt’s Bees Honey & Shea Body Butter, Eucerin creams in the tubs (pretty much any of them), most body butters with a very high shea content.

      I’ve also used just straight jojoba oil, or jojoba oil whipped 50/50 with pure shea butter at home but that is a sticky, greasy mess (does work though!).

    12. AliceBD*

      To distill all the advice, which is also my advice:
      Put on a cream or oil (cream is less messy) after bathing when the skin is still wet. My dermatologist told me it needed to be on within three minutes: step out, pat dry so he’s not dripping, apply it. For creams, use something in a tub or a tube; anything you can use a pump bottle for is too thin. Must put it on after every bath/shower, as water dries out skin.
      At night, apply or reapply the cream. Then put Vaseline on top to lock it in. Cover with cloth or Saran Wrap etc to help keep it all there and off your sheets.
      Also make sure he is not dehydrated.
      Consistency is key unfortunately.

    13. HannahS*

      When I have really dry cracked skin that I want to fix (hands and elbows, usually) I find that it’s not enough to apply twice a day. When spring comes and I want to tackle the skin on my elbows, I’ll probably apply a creamy moisturizer in the morning, and then a more liquid-y one something like every two hours.

      The other thing is, have you heard of Baby Foot? It’s these jelly-filled booties that you wear for an hour after a shower and then over the next two weeks the skin on your feet peels off, getting rid of the worst of the rough patches. It actually does work (and is morbidly satisfying), and I wonder if you could buy a packet, smear the jelly onto some plastic wrap, and then wrap it around his knees. He’d have to just sit with his feet up for an hour, but I think it’s worth a try.

    14. LilySparrow*

      My husband sometimes gets mild patchy eczema that basically looks like very dry skin. My daughter got a little patch on her eyelid and one on her knee – a small roundish spot that is noticably drier and scalier than the rest, seems a little thicker too.

      Our next-door neighbor is a dermatologist and he told us to try some OTC hydrocortisone itch cream. It made a big difference and mostly cleared it up in a few days.

      Caveat: He did say that there was a chance it was a fungal infection instead of eczema. If it had been, the hydrocortisone would have made it get rapidly worse. So keep an eye out for that. In that case you’d need to go to the doctor and get an anti-fungal cream. Probably your regular doctor could handle it.

    15. OptsIn*

      I swear by a product called mom’s stuff salve. It is handmade out of natural ingredients, has a piney smell, sinks in deep into the skin, and can be used in all kinds of ways. It is the best thing I have ever used for my kids’ eczema, for my own dry/cracked heels and is generally lovely for keep my hands moisturized.

    16. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I looked at the “best places” list but also made a list of “must haves.” (major access to health care, library/college system nearby for cultural access, mass transit, walk-ability, good church for my social/spiritual needs…. those kinds of things – people’s lists vary). I’m looking for a friendly vibe with long-term (30 year out) senior services. I can live with snow, but not neighbors who ignore me.
      Some of the senior communities around Phoenix have amazing built in social activities, for example. Dear friend’s mother just moved into a very reasonable house, and has a stained glass class, community service club, volunteer opportunities, pottery class, etc….all as part of the community activities in her planned community. It’s like camp for retirees. Exactly what her mom needed… to retire “to” something and not just “from” her job.
      So look at not just weather, but the type of community for social activities. Consider getting the local paper / facebook activity group, etc, and seeing if you resonate regularly with the vibe and activities there.
      Echo the regular visits. Start spending your 3 day weekends visiting, but also take your entire vacation, and get a “stay suite” or Air bnb, or sublet a house in the WORST season they have. See how you hit it off with the activities and the people.
      Also, are you planning on taking up new hobbies? How are you going to fill your time there? Do them here,now, so that you are not planning to jump to a complete lifestyle change (Friend’s mother was already doing pottery and volunteer work for 10 years before moving, just yearned to do more…).
      And, you may or may not want an ability to do consulting/part time work (a great way to meet people). Friend of mine retired early to an area with many seniors, and for the first few years, taught classes and did a gig setting people up with iPADS and iPhones (many given by their kids, who did not want to take the time to teach mom / dad how to use repeatedly). Cousin got a great job part time at a wonderful plant nursery… works Saturdays, and meets so many fellow gardners (retired school librarian, complete change but she LOVES it).

    18. Indie*

      I have seriously dry leg patches due to psoriasis and I scrub up in the shower with my own mixture of dead sea salt and coconut oil. Scrub up, towards the heart. I soap it off afterwards as it’s heavily moisturising. At first, he may need to add coconut oil as a moisturizer too. It’s greasy, but if he wears a pair of old pants it will fully absorb into the skin.

      All traces of my psoriasis are gone and my masseuse wanted to know why my legs and feet ‘are like a baby’s’ – much softer than the rest of me. I wish I could use it on my face but id break out like crazy.

    19. Lcsa99*

      Thanks everyone! My husband is very sensitive tocaffeine, so he never has coffee and has a soda maybe 4 times a year; and he’s a runner and he is always hydrating so I don’t think that’s the issue. But this has given us lots of good options of new things to try! Hopefully it isnt eczema or a fungal infection and just trying these better options on moist skin will work.

    20. tangerineRose*

      Aquaphor works great for dry skin. Noxema has been pretty good for me too. I’ve been advised to avoid skin lotions that have pretty scents – apparently they aren’t that good.

    21. Chaordic One*

      Before seeing a dermatologist there are a couple of things you might try. I’ve had good luck using “Dermarest” Psoriasis Medicated Moisturizer. You might try medicated ointments. I’ve aslo had good luck using hydr0cortizone ointments with a petroleum jelly base. Things like “Hydra-Cort” or “Cortaid,” but there are also store brands. There are similar hydr0cortizone creams, and I don’t think they’re as good as the ointments, but that might just be me. If these don’t work out, then you should probably get your hubby to a dermatologist to get a stronger prescription medicine.

    23. Marion Ravenwood*

      I had very bad eczema up until I was about five or so, and still get dry patches on my upper arms during cold weather. The thing I’ve found works best, along with keeping hydrated, is Eucerin Original Healing Soothing Creme. It’s very thick, so you don’t need a lot, but if you use it two or three times a day I find it clears the dry skin flare-ups very quickly.

    24. sharon*

      I also have severe psoriasis. I use prescription creams and a biologic injection. That being said, I still have occasional outbreaks. Things that I find helpful are: Mary Kay extra emollient night cream, nipple cream, and avon moisture therapy intensive formula. I use the thick stuff first then cover with Palmers cocoa butter lotion. Works well for me.

    25. JPlummer*

      Zam-Buk herbal ointment. It is amazing for dry skin, bug bites, sunburn, prickly heat and “crotch rot.” It IS greasy so needs to be covered after it’s applied. Made in Thailand. Available at Amazon, likely not at your local stores.

  32. Nancie*

    Things I have been procrastinating forever on:

    – Finding a new dentist, preferably one who is kind to people with dentist phobias.

    – Finding a house cleaner who can give my home a thorough scrubbing, and ordinary cleanings going forward.

    – Find someone to replace my kitchen cabinets!! Plus counters, and sink. Preferably in far less than six weeks from tear-down to completion. This one should probably go first, because it really needs to be done before I get a new fridge, and my current fridge is on its last leg.

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well, internet-searching is pretty low-effort, and you can do it from home, in your undies – maybe start there?

      1. fposte*

        Yes, agree. For me the part where I contact people is the real obstacle, and sometimes I can gain momentum from the low-hanging fruit. Can you make the goal putting together a list of three dentists who seem promising? Checking nextdoor.com or Angie’s List or whatever works in your community for a few cleaner possibilities? Do the same for people who do kitchen work> The goal is not to contact them at this point, just to make the list. Then the next step could be to write out a script for each situation, to use by email or phone or whatever, that asks the main questions you want to know. That helps me because it’s not putting all of my cognitive load into “Talk to somebody about cabinets”–it’s given me two manageable steps before that take away a lot of the work of reaching out itself.

        1. Nancie*

          Thanks! I’d heard of nextdoor, but couldn’t remember the name of it. And the scripts are a great idea.

    2. Not All*

      On the kitchen front, I’ve got to confess that the BEST kitchen remodel experience I’ve had by far was going through Home Depot. The price was the price, I was able to get a great deal by going with a granite that they were running a special on (which I loved anyway…stunning dark green that look black until the sun hit it), they have their scheduling down pat so there’s no getting pushed back over & over as other jobs take longer than the private guy took, and if there there is an issue (didn’t happen on my kitchen, but a minor issue on a different project they did), they just took care of it without debate. (After all, it’s a huge company and 1) it’s not coming out of the manager’s pocket unlike with a private contractor and 2) they go on volume so even if they lose a little money on one job, the positive reviews to get more work are worth more money to them.)

      I know that there are a lot of ethical issues with going through a big chain instead of through a small business, but I’ve now been burned so badly by a couple private contractors where my only recourse was to spend thousands of dollars on an attorney, win in court, and STILL not have any way to actually collect from them that I’m on team “Big Box”for big ticket remodels.

      1. Someone Else*

        This is interesting to me. I’d considered my local big box for many of the reasons you indicate, but looking at their online reviews…they’re terrible. Lots of reports of wrong-ordered stuff and rescheduling and people not showing up when they said they would. Same stuff you get with contractors too. So there didn’t seem to be a benefit to using them over a local firm (that had good reviews). Does your local HD have a good reputation? I’m wondering now if maybe mine are just crappy.

        1. MysteryFan*

          The big boxes like HD really vary in quality, due to local management I guess. How would it go to just put out your need for recommendations onto Facebook or even NextDoor? Lots of local experiences will show up!

    3. only acting normal*

      6 weeks is an insanely long time for a kitchen refit unless you’re knocking down load-bearing walls and changing the location of gas and water pipes. I’ve had a small kitchen done (back to bare walls, all new everything but in the same place as before) in 4 days, and a mid-size (add in floor ripped up and ceiling plaster pulled down) in 2 weeks.
      Go for (strong) recommendations when looking for a retailer and fitters, and be particular on details at the *design* phase – at fitting stage it’s late to make changes.

    4. Bluebell*

      My kitchen renovation is moving along and I’m so happy that I chose a very good contractor, and also waited for him. He’s been easy to work with and cleans meticulously. It will be 6 weeks start to finish but included reinsulating an outside wall, moving a window, patching cracks in mudroom and pantry, refinishing the floors, and new electrical work.

  33. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

    Final season was a mess. Out of the three pending finals I could only take one, failed twice and left feeling disappointed with myself. I’m used to Maths departments and their quirks, yet I was surprised by the amount of people who had nervous breakdowns when they were told they didn’t make it. There was one teenager in special that cried so much she had to be taken outside to calm down, and I couldn’t help see my younger me in her. I left campus that day feeling bad for all those kids that, like me, were pressured so much we couldn’t handle failing an exam.

  34. Ms. Taylor Sailor*

    This is SLIGHTLY job-related, but more about something fun on my own time and nothing formal. I also apologize if I sound whiny at all. Not a big deal whatsoever, but something that was kind of bugging me.

    TL;DR: two content creators I follow put out a call asking for fans to help them with some stuff, telling fans to reach out if they’re interested. I do so, but never get any response and they announce on one of their shows the two guys they picked to help them. Additionally, after being extremely lax about putting up content like they used to, they then start asking fans for more money through Patreon to support them as their brand grows.

    Long version: Two content creators I really like who have numerous shows on YouTube who I support on Patreon (but only at $1, which lets me see their Patreon-exclusive content, which has been phenomenal in the past), put out a call for someone to help them with their social media presence and basic admin tasks to prepare for their shows. Their directions were extremely vague, just to message them on Patreon or Twitter if they were interested with no deadline or further directions, and it was just made as an announcement on one of their shows.

    The idea of it sounded cool. I feel super nervous messaging them since I’m a big fan of theirs, but I did so via Patreon a couple days later with a brief overview of my experience in social media management and as an admin assistant, prefacing that I wasn’t 100% sure what they were looking for but was a big fan and was interested in learning more about what they were looking for.

    And…nothing. Two weeks after they put out their original call (a week and five days after my message), they announce two guys they picked and how excited they are about their brand expanding. Honestly, I’m pretty disappointed. I’m sure a ton of fans reached out to them about this, but I have a massive sore spot for this kind of thing, like when employers ignore job applicants. At minimum, they could’ve said “Thanks to everyone who reached out. We apologize for not being able to get back to everyone” on one of their shows, but nada. (I have several of Alison’s posts about this topic bookmarked from when I was job hunting and it made me feel better about feeling incensed about being ignored.)

    Even worse, the last several months, they’ve progressively put out fewer and fewer Patreon-only videos, only putting two up at all between January and February. Then this morning, I get a message from them, but not about my previous message, but a mass message to all their Patrons talking about their expanding brand and how they’re eliminating their $1 tier because they need more support going forward and asking for everyone at that tier to go up to $2. (Previously, their next tier was $5.)

    Like I said, this really isn’t any massive deal, but I’m a little bit soured on them between ignoring my message, being extremely lax about putting up content while still taking people’s money, and now asking for more of it. Financially, I don’t have any problems going form $1 to $2 and I get their busy and are just trying to grow their brand, but it’s the principle of it and this whole thing rubs me the wrong way. This isn’t the way to treat people who are giving you money for your content, particularly ignoring messages when YOU are the one asking for people to reach out to you.

    I apologize again if that sounded whiny! Just needed to vent more than anything else.

    1. Book Lover*

      I would think twice about supporting them at this point, never mind paying more for access. It was rude for them not to respond and the decreased production is a bit of a flag, I would think. But if you feel strongly about what they do, it is not such a big commitment. And can always cancel at any time.

      1. Ms. Taylor Sailor*

        I do love their content and still watch a lot of it regularly. However, the main way I watch them is through a YouTube series they appear on frequently that I’m a massive fan of that they don’t produce themselves, which is how I discovered them. This show has it’s own Patreon that I’m currently a $10 supporter for and I’m considering jumping to a VERY high tier for a couple months in order to get a really good reward.

        They only sent the message last night about the $2 tier, so I’ve already been charged $1 for March, so I’ll see how I feel/things go by the end of the month for now. You’re definitely right though that it’s not bad at all if I stay with it.

    2. Haru*

      I think the first part was very inconsiderate* and I would find it very off-putting. I don’t think it sounds whiny at all.

      * Maybe they’re working through a backlog of message? As a creator on patron, I haven’t asked patrons for help. But, when someone offers help out of the blue (like offering to proofeeding my work) , I feel kind of bad saying no their kind offer, so I end up being procrastinating on saying no thanks, I enjoy working alone too much. Or, I’m having a busy week, so response gets delayed.

      1. Ms. Taylor Sailor*

        Thanks, I just wanted to make sure my expectations are in check. I double-checked just now and I sent my original message to them on February 11, so they very well may be going through messages now and I’ll give them a break if they eventually respond. Just doesn’t look promising.

        And I don’t blame you at all! I’m not a Patreon creator, but I can only imagine having to reject someone who just wants to help.

    3. Haru*

      For the decrease in Patreon-only videos, are they new Patreon creators? Maybe, they’re burning out after the initial rush of producing so much at the beginning/use up the buffer they had before starting Patreon?

      1. Ms. Taylor Sailor*

        I’m not sure what would be considered new, but I believe they’re hitting their one-year anniversary this month.

        Ultimately, I’m less annoyed about the decrease in output because I understand they’re very busy, even though it makes me wonder what the benefit of supporting them at all is. What’s mainly annoying me is them abruptly coming out and saying they’re planning all these big things (including a new YouTube channel) and asking for more money when they haven’t followed through on the last few months.

        1. valentine*

          Especially if you had to pay again to message through Patreon, I would assume it was a casting stunt and they already knew who they’d get or had offered the (unpaid?) positions to, and if they are all guys and are keeping it all-male, especially if also all-white, there’s no good reason for that.

          1. Marion Ravenwood*

            I would also wonder if these guys are paying a high amount to the Patreon per month. Which sucks (because how much you love something shouldn’t be judged on how much you can or want to spend on it), but I can imagine someone going ‘oh wow Jim Smith and Joe Bloggs are giving us 100 a month, they must *really* love what we do, let’s give them this opportunity!’

            1. Ms. Taylor Sailor*

              That’s the sticky part about Patreon and I wouldn’t be surprised if the guys they picked are higher supporters than I am (but that wouldn’t take much). I inherently wouldn’t have a problem with someone at a higher tier getting more benefits (which is part of the point of Patreon), but in this instance, it’d be kind of slimy when how much money someone has would have nothing to do with how well they’d do a job and when it’s not advertised as part of a higher tier (but it would be gross to pick someone who is already paying you to then do work for you).

              The more I think about, the happier I am that I didn’t get this. They severely botched this up.

              And don’t even get me started on people who judge someone’s fandom for something based on how much they pay. Recently for a completely different show that I support on Patreon, some fans were calling anyone who said they couldn’t afford Patreon liars and fake fans. It’s disgusting and people should mind their own business and not assume they know anything about someone’s finances.

          2. Ms. Taylor Sailor*

            I believe I read in Patreon’s Q&A that once you’ve messaged once, you can do so again even if you no longer pay them, but I could be wrong, but I’m not super worried about that.

            Regarding the creators themselves, both are guys in their early 30’s, one’s white, one’s Asian. I know one of the guys they picked is white (we have mutual people we know, but I’m not involved with that crowd anymore), but I’m unfamiliar with the other.

            It did cross my mind that they picked two guys they’re already familiar with. I don’t blame them for picking people they’re familiar with and who are super active in their fan community on Facebook, but I still think they badly botched the way they approached this whole thing.

  35. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

    Home renovatione!

    So we had someone in to give an estimate on redoing our kitchen and downstairs 1/2 bath. It was last done around 1980.

    It’s an older home (1920s) and we want to remove one load bearing wall between the kitchen and dining room (it’s Colonial so never will be “open concept”) and maybe the door to the bathroom. The choices for bathroom door are either off the kitchen or off the living room with its existing location.

    Still I couldn’t believe the estimate! 135K. We live in a high COL area but it shouldn’t cost that much for a kitchen redo and removing one wall. It’s not an addition.

    Also, thoughts: if the only main floor 1/2 bath had to be off the kitchen or the living room, which would you go with? We have full baths upstairs but older guests sometimes… it’s a New England historic colonial so there’s no option to have it off a hallway…

    1. Llellayena*

      Yeah, replacing a load bearing wall with a beam can be nuts on the pricing side. I’d open the bath into the kitchen. Hopefully you can arrange the bath so the toilet is not the first/only thing you see when the door is open.

      1. Reba*

        I find the bathroom off the kitchen to be… not ideal. I’d put it in the living room, which makes more sense (maybe?) for the guest perspective anyway.

        When I was looking at converted old houses/condos a few years ago, I found the kitchen-bathroom was a pretty common solution, but I always found it a bit weird and for germaphobic members of my household, it was problematic.

    2. alex b*

      Good gravy I’d pass out at that estimate. Yeesh.
      I like a main-floor half-bath, but generally closer to a mudroom is better. With those choices, I’d go for off the living room, I guess.
      The house sounds great!

    3. Wilted Blossom*

      I’m not in the US so I don’t know much about renovation costs there, but we had a load-bearing wall removed as part of a renovation (of a Victorian semi) a couple of years ago and it cost us less than £3000 so that estimate sounds ridiculous to me. Time to get some more estimates done, I think!

      I’d go for having the bathroom off the living room, as the thought of it opening into the kitchen just seems unhygienic to me. I’d rather keep the toilet as far as possible from food prep areas.

    4. Brandy*

      We just spent $345k on an addition/Reno in New England so it’s completely possible. We had estimates $325-550k though. And no kitchen!

      Do you have an architect? Will you? An architect alone will cost in the neighborhood of 10% the cost of the project (eg if the build costs 100k, you’ll spend over 10k on the architect on top of that).

      Kitchens and bathrooms are the most expensive to re do. Assuming you want hardwood or higher end tile, granite or equivalent counters and all new cabinets, sink, faucet and appliances, you are looking easily at $50k++. The more counter and cabinet you have, the more expensive this gets. Cabinets are $$$. Then factor in the full gut and wall removal, add $10-15k. Then the bathroom is another $10-15k. If you are changing lighting (like adding recessed lights) that’s $$ too.

      And those are just materials and labor. I’d you work with a GC, you get to pay management on top. Our GC’s markup is about 30% which includes insurance and project management.

    5. CoffeeforLife*

      Colonial owner looking to do exactly that, so YIKES. I’ll be putting off that estimate then . I have a 1/2 bath off the living room. While I don’t love that i can see a toilet I’d really hate for it to be in the kitchen. I looked a some houses that had one kitchen adjacent and it was just so odd.

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Load bearing wall is a big deal. And permits, architect…. and you don’t necessarily want the “cheapest” bid. Family member bought a 100 year old farmhouse that had been renovated in the 60s… when the drop ceiling was removed, they could see that structurally it had been modified without adequate support. The costs to re-do a botched job are worse than doing it right the first time. And the dangers of having the upper floors bowing and bending because the right strength beam with the right attachments had not been used…. were horrible. Contractor hubby literally flew into action to get that corrected his fear was so great for the family’s loss of investment and safety.
      Not to scare you… but what looks like “not a big deal” is actually sometimes an infrastructure item that costs more than all the cosmetic upgrades together. And you have yet to uncover things like wiring done wrong, plumbing issues, heating ducts or sewer pipes that have to be rerouted, etc…. that may show up when you uncover the walls.
      Family wound up spending the entire kitchen reno budget on infrastructure (wiring, new sewer lines) and painting the cabinets and doing “regular” countertops as a temporary measure while savings were rebuilt. Too many problems when things got opened up…
      So have a contingency fund, too. Buy the appliances and knobs, finishing items LAST. You may need to spend your “visible” money on the infrastructure, to ensure you stay safe… you can do the reno in stages.

      As an alternative, I have seen some nice “cut throughs” that opened up the kitchen “bar style” with the support post at the end of the counter (clad, incorporated, whatever) so that the whole wall was not removed. Especially useful with older houses – a huge visual improvement without major glue-lam beam, structural roof-down renovation.

    7. Asenath*

      Load bearing walls are expensive to remove, and kitchens about the most expensive room in the house to reno. Also, with a 1920s home, I’d hope there’s a BIG contingency built in for when they discover asbestos or whatever. Bathroom off the kitchen – not my favourite, possibly slightly better than off the living room, but then, I ‘m familiar with bathrooms off kitchens – one of my grandparents had a house with that as an original feature. And plumbing is expensive to move. You also want a good contractor with good references, and they tend to cost more than the young ones just starting out who promise you the moon but don’t really know their own business well. Good luck.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Yeah we knew it would be expensive but I was planning on $75-100K. I’ve read the kitchen etc should be about 10% of the value of the home.

      Sorry if it wasn’t clear but bathroom already exists with door off the kitchen. It’s just crammed (it’s a 3/4 bath with a shower now) and 1970s style – avocado green with wallpaper. So it needs to be gutted. We just have the option to move the door location to the living room instead of the kitchen without changing the size/location of the bathroom, which isn’t feasible anyway.

      We are 50/50 on hiring an architect. It’s moving one wall and that would require an engineer anyway. An interior designer might be adequate for fixture placements.

      We are getting more estimates…

      So far my experience of home renos is to think what it “should” cost IMHO and add 50-100%. Haha.

      1. Someone Else*

        For me I think it depends on exactly where the door is now. When I’ve seen bathrooms off kitchens (which were very common where I grew up) they were always very close to the entrance to the kitchen itself, or near some other door so it felt like part f the junction of several rooms. It didn’t feel like hey we’re eating and there’s a bathroom right there. It always felt off to the side and separate and non-intrusive. I think bathroom off the kitchen in general is probably preferable to bathroom off the living room, unless the doorway to the kitchen makes the bathroom very front-and-center for the layout of the kitchen. If it’d feel more out of the way with the door on the living room side, then that may be better.

  36. Laura W.*

    Any recommendations for a humidifier? (Since plugs and current vary, I work in the United States.). We moved offices and our new one is incredibly dry. I’m constantly reaching for my lip balm and lotion.

    I am leaning towards a small one for my cube but do have permission to get a full size one and put it in the empty cube next to me. My one hesitation is that our office is huge and it won’t do much for me personally unless I get an industrial sized one.

    Also, while this will be for work, it didn’t feel like a work problem so I’m posting on Saturday.

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I used to have one made by Vicks that looked very sleek – almost like an ice cube or tooth, with a blue bit on top for the water and a white base. Would keep it by the bed especially for winter and it worked great. It was a good size but not huge like some others, and it was a great design. It made me happy, strangely enough, to look at it!

      Pretty sure I got it at Target.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      If you personally want the benefit I’d get the tabletop diffuser type. A large one in the next cube over might not make a discernable dent for you.

    3. StarHunter*

      I got a desktop one when I had an office that was really dry. Search for PureGuardian 14-Hour Nursery Ultrasonic Cool Mist Humidifier H910BL at Target. I’m not sure if this is the exact model/brand I have, but it’s similar (out of town so I can’t check). I use to keep it a couple feet away from me and direct the mist towards my nose. It helped so much – especially since I also had hot air heat at home.

    4. Merci Dee*

      My boss has a travel humidifier that she uses at work. It’s a relatively small base, and comes with an adapter that you screw onto the opening of a bottle of water — screw on the adapter, flip the bottle upside down, fit it into the base, and it starts pumping out mist at a very impressive pace. It empties out a 16.9 ounce bottle of water in the 8-9 hours she runs it during the day. She likes it lots. I’m following with a link to a similar device, just for demonstration purposes. This is not the brand she has.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Thoroughly clean the humidifier at least once a week. Otherwise, you are spewing mold and bacteria that can make respiratory problems worse.

      My favorite humidifier won’t help you, but I will mention it anyway in case it is helpful for a home humidifier. I use a cast iron humidifier (from LL Bean – not sure if they sell them anymore). Put it on our gas stovetop and turn the burner on low (not sure if this is a good idea for an electric stove). Because the water gets so hot, it kills the bacteria and mold – essentially, it is self cleaning! =)

    6. Laura W.*

      Thank you for all the suggestions. I ended up getting a desktop one for my cube. It arrived today and I’m already noticing a difference. I will definitely make sure to clean it regularly so it remains helpful and not harmful.

  37. the9thchevron*

    I need some advice on disability accommodation outside of legally protected areas like school.

    So last night I went to my martial arts class. We did an exercuse where we did punches and gave a yell (kiai) at the end to boost our power. Now it’s customary to kiai at the end of a set, and people usually don’t go full volume all the time, but we did about 80 kiais at full volume in a row. By the end I was in a lot of pain and very disoriented. I tried to get my bearings but ended up leaving early.

    The teacher came and talked to me, and I tried to explain (sensory issues, sound hurts, talked with the head teacher about accommodations when I joined). I wasn’t super talkative so that’s on me.

    But you know what her solution was? Come to smaller classes, which are mostly on days that I’m working.

    Why am I always the one who has to do all the work? I use bulky, awkward ear protection instead of asking that the radio be turned down. I wear the stupid glasses instead of requesting dimmer lights. I grit my teeth through hugs because I don’t want to be rude. It would only take a few minor tweaks to the lesson plan to include me safely in the class. Why is that too much?

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Eeeh… I dunno. Doing the shout-y thing is a pretty big part of a lot of those martial arts classes. Also, it seems that there are versions of the class you could take – just not on a day you like. It’s kinda like wanting a halal cooking class, but the no-bacon classes are M-W-F and you want the Tue-Thurs classes to be the no-bacon ones because that fits your schedule better.

      I mean, come on, it’s martial arts – not all of it is the Kinder Gentler variety. If the Monday class is too much for you (too much jumping, noise, running, getting punched in the face, grappling with other people) no big deal, take the Tuesday class that has less of that thing you don’t like.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      As gently as possible, I think she gave you her only solution that she has available to offer. It could be that this class is just not for you? FWIW, I don’t think I would do well in it, so I am cheering you for even trying.
      I don’t think my stuff is as hard as what you are facing but I do marvel at how much work some stuff can be for me.
      If it were me, I think I would try this class again later after I tried working on other things.

      After my husband passed, I had to learn to use my tractor. This was hugely challenging because of vertigo. I think I talked too much about it. I did dozens of things to help myself. And finally, the doc stumbled onto the fact that my vertigo was because of gluten. And I have been dealing with this for how many years???? So I almost quit the gluten (I do cheat once in a while) and the results were amazing. Now I have to avoid gluten so I can mow my lawn safely. Who’d thunk. But yeah, this is jumping through a ton of hoops. You’re right about all the work. I’d like to think it grows us stronger in some ways.

    3. Thursday Next*

      It struck me that in writing about this martial arts class, you listed a couple of things outside of that. And you *can* do something about the hugs, for instance. It’s perfectly socially workable to come up with a strategy to ward off hugs. “I’m not much of a hugger, but it’s so nice to see you” + extend hand for handshake (if that’s okay for you). I firmly believe that no one should have to put up with unwanted physical contact.

      Unfortunately, asking for reduced volume during martial arts exercises seems like it would alter a core, valued aspect of the experience for most people. So you have to make decisions about how you want to handle that. Grit your teeth, or try a different class on a less desirable but still possible day? And consider this: you’re probably making all kinds of decisions based on constraints that have nothing to do with sensory issues. Do I buy this less expensive but less durable item, or budget more money for a more reliable version? Should I drive the route that is more direct but has a toll road, or use the longer but less expensive route? So with the class, you’re making a decision: take the less conveniently timed but smaller class, or the more convenient but louder class?

      I know it feels different to be forced to make choices because of a disability. I have days when I’m more sanguine about that necessity, and days when I’m really down about it.

      1. anonagain*

        Oh, that makes way more sense! I thought all of those things were happening at the martial arts class.

        But, yes, you don’t have to hug people. Declining a hug isn’t rude. I think it’s rude (or worse) to hug someone who has indicated that they don’t want to be hugged.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        “I know it feels different to be forced to make choices because of a disability.”

        If it makes you feel any better, when it comes to contact sports and martial arts, age disables us all – and pretty quickly. Once you get past 25 your body stops replacing cells faster than they die, which means you Just Don’t Heal Like You Used To, and you gotta start cutting back.

        Can’t be in a marital arts class because you can’t handle loud noises? Well, I haven’t played rugby for nearly a decade because I’m no longer physically capable of walking off the sort of damage a tackle does. I have a friend who quit their soccer league after they wrenched their knee pretty badly, tore some tendons, and the doctor said “next time, we might not be able to fix this without leaving you with a limp.” My brother took 3 lower back injuries (each one taking months to heal) before he admitted he had to give up his heavy deadlifts. My parents stopped their overnight hikes because one has back issues that can seize up, and the other one can’t quite carry all the packs they need.

        We’re all badly-constructed scaffolds of rickety bones, held together by increasingly fragile tendons and muscles, and unless you die young, your body quits on you, and your physical abilities desert you one by one, until you’re just happy you can go to the toilet on your own.

        On the bright side, because basically everyone suffers from this, there are martial arts for every variation. Don’t like the kiai? Try kickboxing. All the hitting and kicking, none of the yelling, and you don’t have to grapple people either.

        1. WakeUp!*

          This is pretty offensive and unhelpful. “All people are basically disabled anyway so don’t feel bad about your actual real disabilities” is…quite the take.

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            Look, it’s martial arts – literally everyone in it has something they can’t physically do. It’s fighting – there’s something in it to hurt everyone. But, since no one actually wants to end up maimed, everyone picks the accommodations that they need. You just pick the sort of pain that you can handle. This person gets hurt because of the loud noises (which are intentionally meant to be loud and disorienting/uncomfortable, btw) and that person gets hurt because they’re extra-sensitive to being punched in the face (also meant to be unpleasant).

            From a martial arts standpoint, LW (with higher than average physical pain tolerance but a lower kiai tolerance) is no more or less disabled than the person who’s fine with the kiai but can’t deal with getting hit during sparring. They just tolerate a different kind of pain, it’s not that big a deal, just switch to the class that is lower on the specific sort of pain you don’t like. She can go to the quieter class, or step out for the kiai part, just like you can go to a “no-sparring” class, or step out for a sparring part.

        2. TPPD*

          I find this comment (“If it makes you feel any better… age disables us all”) unhelpful and hurtful. Your brother not being able to deadlift is not a disability. Neither is your parents not being able to backpack.

          Although there are a wide range of disabilities and special needs, one thing they have in common is that they are not the result of normal, healthy/typical aging processes. Furthermore, most disabilities are a lot more intrusive and life-disruptive than, “Darn it, I can no longer perform my favorite physical activity.” Even if the topic of this particular post is a physical activity, I guarantee that the OP’s disabilities affect her life a heckuva lot more than in this one way.

            1. Traffic_Spiral*

              Apparently it’s only a disability if the Cool Kids have made a pintrest moodboard of it, and spinal injuries are just not woke enough.

          2. Thursday Next*

            @Wake Up and TTPD: Actually, I have to disagree with the idea of “actual, real disabilities” (a problematic phrase) being *completely distinct* from the outcomes of “normal, healthy aging.” Congenital disabilities make some differences, e.g., being born with visual impairment is different from losing one’s eyesight as an adult in terms of, for instance, the impact on childhood development processes. But regardless of when/how the impairment began, visually impaired people will need some accommodations and will be unable to access certain experiences.

            Out in the world, my daughter using a wheelchair is more similar than not to my MIL using a wheelchair. Their disability histories are largely irrelevant to the accommodations they both require—ramps, elevators, etc. Did my MIL enjoy some good years of hiking and camping that my daughter hasn’t and won’t? Yes. Yet this doesn’t change what either one of them needs for wheelchair use to be possible.

    4. anonagain*

      I don’t know anything about martial arts, so I have no idea why yelling is non-negotiable. I’m sorry the schedule doesn’t work for you to go to the quieter classes. It’s exhausting and frustrating to always need to have these discussions and to be the one who ends up missing out.

      One thing: you said you grit your teeth through hugs. Are these social hugs or is that some kind of martial arts maneuver?

      If it’s a regular hug, why are you needing to hug people at your martial arts class? That piece is confusing. You don’t have to hug people if you don’t want to.

      1. LilySparrow*

        The kiai on a strike is both a physical concentration of breath & power (like Serena Williams grunting when she hits the ball), and a metaphysical projection of chi energy. If you are holding back your voice, you are holding back, period. It’s normal to train at a practice level and then occasionally go full-out so you have that sensation and experience of what 100% feels like.

        I have no idea if the physical connection is proven by Western science, but it’s canon belief to many martial arts practitioners. If you want Western scientific proof, you don’t go looking for it in a dojo.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yup. I’ll add the the wiki link if you want more (it’ll get flagged, but sent up eventually).

          It’s just a thing that they do, but you really can’t ask them to give ‘weak’ kiai. It’s like asking a holy roller church if they could please tone down the speaking in tongues and yelling ‘testify’ all the time – it’s kinda a big part of what they do.

    5. LibbyG*

      No advice to offer; just well wishes. I don’t have sensory issues, but I can imagie that it’s just so wearying to, as you say, always having to do the work. I hope a good, inclusive solution comes out of this process.

    6. Sam Carter*

      I say this as someone on the spectrum who also has sensory issues, so I understand where you’re coming from, but what you’re asking is not reasonable. What if someone else in the class has a verbal communication issue and enjoys the kiais as a way to vocalize without judgment and people focusing on just them? That’s just meant to say that everyone has different needs, and you don’t know about them unless they tell you. Expecting society and established practices/traditions to bend backwards to satisfy your specific needs will only lead to bitterness.

      Rather than trying to implement rules for others, what about working to define and respectfully establish boundaries for yourself? For example, I hate hate hate hugs like you do and no longer “force” myself to engage in that social convention. I greet people or say goodbye in other ways and let them know upfront that this is my issue and I mean them no disrespect. I have a love hate relationship with earplugs because as much as I need the sound protection, they irritate my ears, which leads to scratching and ear infections. I can’t exactly tell the truck backing up outside to beep less loundly or tell people in the grocery store to leave my aisle so it’s quiet for me. But I can set boundaries for myself and give myself permission to leave without feeling guilty.

      Maybe you could wear earplugs (the wax ones would work well for exercise) some of the time. And on the days where you can’t, maybe give yourself permission (and discuss with the instructor) that you may need to step out for a few minutes at random times. Maybe they have an office to the side where you can take a break or even continue to follow the lesson with the door providing sound reduction.

      1. Mimmy*

        I love this perspective. I’m all for making the world around us more accessible, but it’s not always doable. *Puts on ADA hat* The law does require reasonable accommodations / modifications, but it can’t be something that would “fundamentally alter” the nature of the program, service, or activity. It sounds like the shouts are a key part of this particular martial arts class.

        I’m a firm believer in a mix of societal and individual responsibilities. So when an accommodation or modification can’t be made by those running a program or activity, I think it’s important to figure out what YOU can do to participate wherever possible. I too have issues with sensory overload and have recognized that I may not be able to participate in as much as I’d like to because it’s just too much of a drain on my sensory systems to handle and I can’t expect everyone to change their noise and activity level to accommodate me.

      2. CheeseNurse*

        I also have sensory issues. This is good advice.

        What I’m finding more and more is that my spd clashes with the accommodations that other people need (particularly the hard-of-hearing, like my elderly relatives). There’s a lot of negotiation and compromising between peoples’ differing needs. Sometimes I don’t get to do the thing I want to do, and it’s disappointing, but other people need the loud noises or the super bright lights. I think the worst part really is feeling like a big weirdo, especially because a lot of people think sensory issues are made up.

    7. the9thchevron*

      Well, now I know never to come here for kind, supportive advice again.

      You sound like you think I’m asking for a major overhaul. I’m not. I’m not asking for no shouting, just less. I know this is possible because for 4 years I trained at a different school in the same style and the sensei just saved the ultranoise for classes when I wasn’t there, not a hard thing.

      Also this school has a program for physically disabled kids. So yeah, martial arts with a disability is possible. I’ve seen people in wheelchairs win tournaments.

      I’m not asking for no bacon. I’m asking for a manageable amount of pain. Manageable, not none. I can play hardball. One of the dubious advantages of my disability is that I hardly feel injury pain. I once kept going on a broken arm until someone noticed the swelling. I’m not the delicate, picky snowflake you think I am.

      One last thing. I disclosed my disability when I started. They said they could accommodate me. I’m just pissed that they misrepresented themselves. Like, if it’s ableds/NTs only I understand, but be honest.

      1. LilySparrow*

        I am really sorry you are dealing with this. I think it’s the kind of situation where it was reasonable for you to ask. But it was also reasonable for the teacher to say that some classes can accommodate you and some classes can’t. The same would be true at work or school – you can and should ask for an accomodation if you need one, and they should find a way to meet your needs. But the result may not be exactly what you originally asked for – it’s going to be a compromise between what works for you and what works for the situation as a whole.

        The same with asking for dimmer lights or lower music volume. It’s perfectly fine to ask and sometimes people will be willing and able to adjust to it. I would think they ought to be willing most of the time. Other times they won’t, and people don’t always do what they ought to. I’m glad you have the glasses/ear protection as a backup option or in situations where you aren’t comfortable asking, but I’m very sorry there are situations where that isn’t comfortable for you to ask.

        It is never rude to decline a hug as long as you use polite words. There is no manners rule that says you must let people touch you if you don’t want them to. And that is a request that you should expect to always be honored. Anyone who won’t honor that is violating consent about your body, which makes them an asshole. You don’t have to be polite to assholes.

        Sending a friendly wave in lieu of a hug.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        “I’m asking for a manageable amount of pain. ”

        It’s. Martial. Arts. “Manageable” pain runs the gamut from bare-knuckle boxing to tai chi. You pick for yourself the type and level of physical discomfort you want to handle. You’re not a delicate, picky snowflake because your particular body type handles physical pain well, but audio discomfort badly – but the fact that you’re upset that the classes you’re best suited for aren’t on the days you like best, so the class on your preferred day has to change their training regimen to suit you… that does sorta imply a few things.

      3. Sam Carter*

        Lilysparrow’s comment above is great. It’s understandable that you might feel attacked, but I doubt that was anyone’s intent. This blog is primarily about workplace management and advice, so think about the martial arts studio as a workplace where the instructor is the manager who balances the corporate culture and goals with multiple employee needs. If you worked in a call center, where phone calls are an important aspect of the primary function, would you ask your boss to only allow phone calls in the afternoons or only on MWF? Probably not. When you ask for advice you have to be ready for responses whether you like them or not.

      4. Amber Rose*

        Everyone was kind and supportive. They just didn’t say what you wanted to hear. Kind and supportive is not the same as unconditional agreement with you. It is not kind to lash out at people who are trying to give you advice for not knowing things you didn’t tell them.

        I’m sorry you’re going through troubles. I also had to absent myself from some martial arts classes due to the kiai being too much. It sucks and I wish it wasn’t like that.

        1. Gilmore67*

          Agreed. No one is saying the OP is wrong for feeling the way they do.

          Generally speaking, everything can’t always be accommodated. Personally I would not ask the majority of the class to accommodate me. If it is my problem I need to find something else that works for me.

          And maybe the type of accommodations they made still/might don’t work for you and that does suck for you.

          But also ,as another person in the class, if I wanted to do all the things in that class like shouting that Kiai as loud as I want and anything else that classed has, I’d be a little irritated if I had to tone it down for one person. I am paying student as well and should be able to learn and do what that class is about in its entirety because what I am paying for.

          I am also important as it relates to what I want to achieve in that class. Please don’t forget that. .

          I know what might sound harsh but again, accommodating others is not always possible. I mean, does the basketball net need to change because I am short and I can’t do a dunk shot? The volleyball net be lowered? No, I found another sport to do that fits my needs.

          There is no difference about what I am saying and the OP. The nature of that sport doesn’t work for them.

          It sucks, not saying it doesn’t.

      5. Sparkly Lady*

        How often do you come to classes and how predictable are your absences? As a movement teacher, the answers to those questions would affect how reasonable “save the ultranoise for classes when I wasn’t there” is. I need to plan and prepare and if something is part of the curriculum, then at some point I’m going to need to plan and prepare to teach it.

        Based on what you’ve described, it sounds worth speaking to both the head teacher and your class teacher again. Again, I know from my perspective of being a movement teacher, that it can be very hard to respond well to concerns on the fly, especially when I’m speaking to someone who appears to be in pain. If you spoke to the head teacher and not your class teacher, there may have been a non-maliciously intended communication breakdown between the head teacher and your class teacher.

        It sounds like the head teacher is interested in accessibility. They may still be able to work with and accommodate you. In the head teacher’s shoes, what I would want to do is have a clear understanding of the specifics of what you need and then have a plan in place before you go to class. For example, in the classes I teach, I encourage students to cut drills short or sit things out if they need to. But it is very helpful to me to have a sense of what the issues are.

      6. the9thchevron*

        Thank you for your replies. I guess I was a little harsh. I’ve been bullied and excluded my whole life for this so I guess I jumped to the conclusion that you guys were speaking maliciously when you were not.

        I’m going to send the head teacher an email withdrawing from the class (hopefully I can get my March tuition back). The majority of people seem to say that martial arts and sensory issues are just not a good mix and that the accommodations I’d need are unreasonable and would harm NT students and other disabled students. It’s a shame cause I used to love it so much when I trained at Old School. My thing I did on my afternoon off before I started at New School was watching old sci-fi shows, and I guess SGU could use a rewatch (obvs), so there’s a silver lining.

        I just wish I wasn’t so low-functioning.

        1. valentine*

          There are many ways they can accommodate you. This rank person is choosing not to.

          Don’t do anything until you calm down and feel better. If you engage better in person, maybe you want to sit down with the relevant authority. Otherwise, email that you have accommodations and, as part of that, you’d like to discuss options for setting a kiai maximum. If they super-duper need an 80-kiai workout, they can tell you in advance so you can get a refund or go to a different class. Otherwise, they can have kiais at the beginning/end only and or no more than x in succession with y minutes in between. (Not an exhaustive list.)

          And you are right that neighbors should accommodate you, thus embracing you in the metaphorical sense, rather than forcing you to adapt, especially to unnecessary BS and flat-out assault (fluorescents, hugs).

        2. Batgirl*

          I was actually a little surprised at your teachers response; assuming the noise level is a new thing (You imply it is) it should have been no problem to revert back to the old way of doing things.
          When she suggested her solution did you just silently accept it? Perhaps she doesn’t know that wouldn’t work well for you, or how much noise you could handle in order to suggest more solutions.
          It does absolutely suck, even if the teacher is being reasonable about martial arts noise levels (of which i have no idea). Hugs.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          Uh, I am not sure what ways you think you are “low functioning” (none of my business) but your ability to look inward and soul search is EXCELLENT. (We need more people on the planet who can do this.) And I can also see you write very well.

          You sound like most people, we all take for granted what we do well. And we tend to look at our short comings/encumbrances up close and for long periods of time. We pretty much torture ourselves. How come I can’t be good at sports, why can’t I learn about cars, etc.,what is up with this stuff?

          Another thing I noticed in your post is that you are gutsy. I am not sure if I would take on self-defense classes given my givens. So you have the capacity to take bold moves forward. This is huge. Do you know how many people are straight-jacketed by their own thinking??? It’s a big asset that you are willing to push yourself along.

          Here’s the unhelpful thing about bold moves. We are probably going to make a few wrong moves before we get it right. You gained some new insights in this rotten experience. Stuff can sharpen us, that is for sure. No doubt in my mind that you have grown a part of you, even though the experience was Not Good. You get to keep the part of you that grew.

        4. Traffic_Spiral*

          “The majority of people seem to say that martial arts and sensory issues are just not a good mix”

          Not really. *This* specific version of *this* martial art is not a good mix for your sensory issues – especially in big classes. That’s pretty normal. Check out the below link on martial arts for sensory processing disorder – karate works for some, but some find the yelling too much – it’s pretty common. Finding the right martial art for you and the right class is a trial and error process, but that’s no reason to give up. Why not look into kickboxing? You can get the strikes and kicks like in karate, but without the yelling.

          https://www.facebook.com/sensoryprocessingdisorderparentsupport/posts/a-parent-asks-our-group-is-karate-generally-good-class-for-spd-kids-or-would-som/628396333903612/

        5. Roja*

          Maybe this is an overly simplistic answer, but couldn’t you step out of the room during the loud bit and just take the rest of the class? I’m not into martial arts myself, but my husband is–and I’m a dancer/teacher myself so quite used to physically active environments etc etc–and that is exactly what I would expect in either his or my classes, and indeed what I would recommend any of my students do in my own classes if I wasn’t able to change the lesson plans. Otherwise, it seems like the best option would be finding a place that has classes you can take at a time you can take them, if you’re in an area that has more than one school/dojo/whatever (sorry, not up on the terminology). Dropping martial arts entirely seems like an awfully drastic step.

    8. TPPD*

      I understand your perspective; it’s unfair that disabled people and people with special needs are effectively shut out of many aspects of social culture. Could you specifically ask for a “quiet” day to be incorporated into the schedule, on a day that works for you?

      I was thinking about similar things the other night, like why can’t theaters be more accessible? I either have to pay out the nose for the most expensive, wheelchair-accessible seats, or stay home. And why can’t bars have a couple of tables at wheelchair height, so I’m not straining to hear my friends sitting at bar height tables? I wind up being completely shut out of the conversation! The thing I have to focus on is that I can still have a good life even if I don’t go to the theater or bars frequently. I can do other stuff that works for my particular circumstances. It’s not fair and it’s not ideal, but that’s life. So my advice is to ask for the specific accommodation you want, and if that doesn’t work, try to move onto another activity that better suits your needs.

    9. WS*

      My partner has hyperacusis – loud noises cause her physical pain and disorientation. She consulted an audiologist and had “musicians’ ear plugs” made, which greatly reduce loud sounds while still letting her hear at normal levels. That might be worth investigating for you?

    10. Sutemi*

      As a martial artist, that teacher didn’t sound very imaginative. We deal with students of all shapes and sizes, what works for one person won’t work for everyone. A good teacher can adapt the arts to different levels.

      Sidebar: In my art, the kiai is not about volume but intensity. Practitioners who are cops/military will often do a silent kiai, to be less overtly threatening. It is about intent, and focus, exhaling, and whole body control.

    11. ..Kat..*

      It is possible that your instructor does not understand your issues, nor does she understand how to accommodate them.

      Now that you are feeling better, I recommend going back and talking to the teacher – telling her what you were unable to articulate while you were feeling bad. Give her your suggestions for modifications that will allow you to attend the classes you would like to. Try to have this talk at a non-stressful, non-rushed time (I.e., not right before a class). I hope this will work for you.

    12. Koala dreams*

      Yeah, I feel you on society not being accomodating for disabilities. It’s sad. It sucks extra much that you talked with the head teacher beforehand, but they didn’t warned you about not being able to accomodate you. Many non-disabled people will have problem with loud sounds, so at least that one you would think that the school could accomodate. I understand that you are disappointed.

      I think you can request a meeting with the teacher and make a last try to discuss accomodation. Maybe it will be easier to find something when you talk in a calm place away from class and noise. Maybe not, but at least you’d know.

    13. Ranon*

      I’m going to disagree with some of the other commenters and say that she could have discussed other accommodations that would have, you know, actually accommodated you. I coach a different martial art that has coaching standards set at the national level, and our coaching training emphasised our duty to offer accommodations to folks with disabilities. Our art (judo) is somewhat unique in that it is also a paralympic sport for the blind, so there is some built in expectation of accommodation for disability, but other coaches at our training shared accommodations that they had made in working with kids with autism, for example. It is not unreasonable at all to ask for accommodation and I’m sorry you got the response you did.

    14. Arjay*

      It sounds like you were quite overwhelmed in the moment, but have you communicated what those minor tweaks could be to the instructor? If they erally are simple workarounds, they might be amenable to them. But they can’t act on them if they don’t know what accommodations might be helpful.

  38. anon in the house*

    Rant: I am in a houseshare with two people who are in a relationship together but pay rent separately. One of them is fine, the other is a nice person but the worst housemate I’ve ever had. I’ve been trying to Use My Words with him about things that are problems for me, and he says he will work on fixing things, but then….does nothing. Repeatedly. Note that these issues are not minor, but on the order of “You are months late on rent and need to pay up”. I’m planning to move out, but for financial and lease timing issues, I’ll be stuck here for the rest of the calendar year. I am going to give them at least six months notice that I am not staying but don’t want to say anything yet.

    I’m not sure how often to keep bringing up the multiple problems that are making me really upset with him. I don’t want to be passive aggressive, but I also don’t want to nag him every time I see him. The only time he has (temporarily) addressed any problem is when I’ve finally gotten visibly upset with him after multiple fruitless discussions, but I don’t want to constantly be having confrontations like that, at least not for the next ten months. I also don’t want him to think that something isn’t a real problem if I only bring it up infrequently or don’t get noticeably angry.

    Right now, I’ve been pushing harder on problems that have easy solutions, like paying the rent on time and moving his piles of stuff that have completely blocked some of the common areas. I have mostly stopped pushing on the problems that have more difficult solutions that I am certain he will never, ever fix, although these are some of the most annoying issues. I’m growing increasingly resentful that he is unwilling to undertake the most minimal effort to be a decent housemate (really, the problems are all up there at the top of any “how to be a terrible roommate” list).

    I am trying to maintain a state of zen and focus on appreciating the (few) good points of the living situation, but this is going to be a loooong year.

    1. Llellayena*

      If they’re a couple maybe you can leverage that? Have a house meeting with both of them of the “these are the new house rules” variety (pay rent on time, keep shared areas clean, etc) and specifically point out that bad roommate needs to fix these things. If you’re annoyed, it’s possible that the good roommate is annoyed too and pressure from a partner might be more effective.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      Are you sure you can’t move out earlier? Isn’t his refusal to pay rent on time enough to get you out of any lease agreement? Seriously, if he’s going to be this bad about things, he doesn’t deserve much courtesy, and neither does his enabling girl/boyfriend. Can’t you tell them one more time “these actions are dealbreakers for me – if you don’t change them, I’m out,” then start looking now (because you know he’s not going to change) find another room by the time he’s messed up again, then be like “ok, so that thing I said? I meant it. Peace out, motherfockas!”

    3. Kathenus*

      Not sure if it can be done after the fact, lease-wise, but can you institute a late charge for the rent? There needs to be a consequence for him to take action, it seems, and one that benefits you with more money would be ideal. Either you get the extra cash or the rent on time.

    4. Texan In Exile*

      I am curious about how this works. Is it one rent to the landlord – as in, one lease that you all share, or do each of you pay the landlord separately? If he doesn’t pay his rent, who covers it?

      Does he pay the rent to you? As in, do you have the power to evict him for non-payment? If he doesn’t pay you – if you are not the landlord or the aggregator and the name on the lease, then is it your problem? (No snark – asking sincerely.)

      And I would be dumping his piles of stuff back into his room.

    5. fposte*

      So, brief thought experiment: pretend I am this guy. For some reason, whether it be depression or assholery or whatever, I don’t want to do much of anything, including paying rent. This is my main priority. I don’t think of things as real problems or fake problems, and I don’t care whether I’m a good roommate or a bad one. I just see things in terms of whether I have to do anything about them. I only do something about them when external pressure becomes more uncomfortable for me than the status quo is comfortable.

      No longer pretending I am that guy: in dealing with somebody like that, your goal is to find ways to exert pressure on him with maximum efficiency–that don’t suck energy from you and don’t draw on assumptions that don’t work for him. He doesn’t care if you use your words; there is no right way to frame this makes him want to do these things. He cares about unpleasant consequences. The problem is that you don’t have much leverage right now. If you want to institute a policy, you’re at high risk of being outvoted. What you need are external authorities you can call in that won’t endanger your ability to stay. I don’t know if that’s a threadable needle, and it will depend where you are; certainly in some places fire marshals would have something to say about impassable pathways. You also haven’t identified the terms of the lease–in most places in the U.S., roommates on a rental all sink or swim together, which puts you at greater risk, but if that’s not your situation, you have more room to maneuver.

      Good luck, and I agree that it might be worth considering moving out early, especially if you’re not bound to the others on a lease.

    6. Nacho*

      Fuck not being passive aggressive, if he’s months late on his rent, it’s time to switch to being active aggressive. Every single time you see him, the first words out of your mouth should be “You owe me $X for your share of the rent.” “When will you be paying your share of the rent?” or “Give me my money now.”

    7. Anon in the house*

      I will clarify that he is not on the lease, he is basically subletting from the other two of us. We pay the rent to the landlord, he pays us his share of rent and utilities. We unfortunately did not get him to sign any form of subletting paperwork, which was a mistake – I should know better. He was also supposedly only going to stay a few months but shows no sign of leaving (why would he?). The other half of the couple has bugged him about the rent and such, again with not much result.

      I am going to ride him hard each month about paying the rent, which I think will be successful. I also gave him an ultimatum about the junk with a hard deadline, which I am going to follow through on. I can also try being more aggressive-agressive and immediately confront him about other problems, even if it is 6 am or there are guests over or whatever, to make my problems his problems too.

      I have considered have a come to jesus talk with both of them, but even if he actually did follow through and fix everything, I don’t want him as a housemate. “Fix all these problems but I am leaving anyway” isn’t great leverage.

      I should be able to save enough money to move out a few months early and double pay rent until the lease ends or they find a replacement for me.

      1. fposte*

        In most of the U.S., he’d default to a month to month lease, which you could terminate according to the laws of your municipality or state (usually 30 days’ notice). Sounds like he’s counting on his girlfriend being unwilling to kick him out, though. Is he right?

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Honestly, I don’t think you really want to do this. If you can’t solve a housemate problem by some simple Use Your Words discussion and compromise, it’s better to leave.

        I’m going to advise that you insist on his taking your place on the lease. Insist. Tell him that since he’s late with the rent, he 100% needs to take your place on the lease, as you cannot be liable for his late payments, so his name replaces yours on the lease or he’s out. Then, once you’re not on the lease, start looking for a new place.

        Underhanded? Maybe, but what do you call his agreeing to clean his stuff and pay rent on time (and leave in a few months) and then not doing it? He dishonestly put you into this situation and removed your way to kindly and honestly exit it. When someone removes all the kind ways of dealing with them, they don’t get to complain that people resort to the unkind ways. Don’t want to leave the other roommate in the lurch? Well, sucks for her, but if she hadn’t made *her* deadbeat boyfriend *your* problem, this wouldn’t have happened. You weren’t the one that wanted this guy. Why is it on you to subsidize her bad taste in men? Is he banging you too? No? Well, if you’re not his mom or sugar momma, then you don’t have to pay his rent or clean his plates.

        Seriously, I’m not Christian, but I do still believe in the proverb: “Better is a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.” Think about what you’ll have to do and be to make him behave – is this what you want? Constantly nagging him, yelling at him, policing him, making him do his chores, being the jerk when company’s over – is that who you want to be? Do you want to come home to peace and tidiness, or do you want to have to square your shoulders and take a deep breath before you open the door every time you come home – “let’s see what he’s done now.” I’ve had housemates like that, and trust me, you don’t want it. You can’t force basic decency on other people – just get out, and let them handle their own mess.

      3. anon in the house*

        As much as I would like to put him on the lease and take myself off, there is absolutely no way any landlord is ever going to approve him on a lease. And unless they break up, I don’t expect the other housemate to want to toss him out.

        He is actually current on rent right now due to me confronting him recently.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Can you get your name off the lease and put it solely in her name then? I mean, if she wants to keep him around, it shouldn’t be you that pays for it.

          1. anon in the house*

            The minimum income requirement for the rent amount is more than either of us make individually. As soon as I scrape up enough money for the movers/deposit/etc (this is a HCOL area, it was really expensive to move in), I am going to try to get them to look for a replacement person who can take my place on the lease. Or a short term subletter for the remainder of the lease period.

            1. valentine*

              Why are you taking so much responsibility? As soon as you can get out, get out and cut them off. Why would you care if they got a replacement for you? They’re mistreating you terribly. Leave them to it. I hope you’re not paying more than your share of the rent. If you evict him, does she have to agree? If the sublet is legal, can your landlord not evict him? Can’t the landlord evict him just for being a scumbag? If you’re not allowed a third person, isn’t it better to confess to that than to feel like you have to harass this guy to do his duty?

              If you clean up after them, they’ll probably accept that and, if it’s better than the clutter, why not do it now? Maybe have a big box you just dump all his crap into.

              Captain Awkward has several good letters about chore division and roommates.

              1. anon in the house*

                The lease is joint and several, so if I leave early without paying, the other housemate on the lease can successfully sue me for rent. And the landlord will end up evicting them if they can’t find a replacement and default on the rent, which will end up on my record since I am on the lease. We did get approval from the landlord for the third person, they aren’t going to go through the massive hassle of evicting him for us – they are basically an absentee landlord.

                1. Someone Else*

                  Two things occur to me:
                  If the lease is you and her, then presumably your part of the rent is half, and hers is half. Is the agreement with the boyfriend that you all split 3-ways, or that he pays half of her half? Since he’s not on the lease, the two of them could argue that regardless of what you informally agreed on, you’re on the hook for half no matter what. So his not paying would be his girlfriend’s problem not yours (even though I think that’s crappy).

                  But what you just said here gave me an idea: the lease is currently two people. You want to leave. You mention the couple needing to find another person to replace you, but they don’t. Your roommate who is on the lease needs to find one person to replace you on the lease and she has: her partner.

                2. fposte*

                  @Someone–the way leases generally work is that both tenants are responsible for the whole amount, not that each tenant is responsible for half. Even if the household agrees that BF’s payment is the GF’s problem, if the result is that the full rent isn’t paid, anon is in trouble. Similarly, she can’t just sub him in onto the lease–he’d have to pass the landlord approval process and credit check as a tenant and not just an added person, and I’m betting he can’t.

                3. anon in the house*

                  It is a 3-way split, he has his own separate room. And fposte is correct, he would never be approved on the lease by the landlord.

      4. WellRed*

        I don’t know why you aren’t making this more a problem for your actual roommate. It’d ne nice if she realized what a loser she’s partnered with and dump him. However, your lack of official paperwork doesn’t automatically bestow him rights while depriving you of yours.

        1. fposte*

          I’m with you on making this more of a problem for the GF, but yes, the situation does pretty much put all the advantage in BF’s court. If *his* landlords–anon and anon’s roommate–decide to terminate his lease or evict him if he fails to depart when his lease is up, he’ll have to go, but that would need both his landlords, and I doubt that anon’s roommate is on board. And the contract with OP’s landlord means that it’s only anon and her roommate on the hook, and they’re on the hook together, so even if anon is a perfect and impeccable tenant she’s in trouble if there’s a problem in the apartment.

          Basically, this is a game of rental chicken. The winner is the one who cares the least about damage. Right now that’s the BF.

      5. SignalLost*

        I had a housemate with a kitchen problem once. I very specifically told him when he moved in (I’d shared with him before so I knew this would happen, and I had the backing of the other two tenants who had also been in the previous house) that he got no slack on cleaning promptly and if he left a pan for more than 24 hours it was going in his bed, upside down. Only had to do it once. I would genuinely talk to his partner and say that this is the deadline you want to set, then tell him that he has until X daye (end of the week?) to get his crap out of the common areas or it’s going outside/to the thrift store/somewhere else that is not your problem. Follow through on that. It may or may not help, but unless I had reason to fear that he would get into revenge, that’s what I’d do.

        1. anon in the house*

          Yes! I gave them both an ultimatum about the junk which they agreed to, although the deadline for me tossing it in a pile in the storage area is still in the future. I think I will remind him that the deadline is approaching since there has been no progress yet.

      6. AcademiaNut*

        What would happen if you told the other half of the couple that you would no longer be covering their partner’s share of the rent? And you were willing to default on the rent and risk eviction rather than pay more than your share? If they’re threatened with losing their apartment they might shape up.

        Other than that I think you need to talk to a lawyer to find out your options, because what you can do will depend on local rental laws. Does he count as a tenant? What are your options for forcing him to pay part of the rent or leave? What are the subletting laws that might apply?

        Also, does you landlord know that you’ve moved a third person into the unit? My experience is that landlords can get pretty annoyed if you move in people who aren’t on the lease without permission, and you might actually be breaking the terms of your own lease. Pulling in the landlord might make things uncomfortable, but could result in the mooch being kicked out, or being allowed out of the lease early.

        But if you aren’t willing to move out, and aren’t willing to default on the rent, can’t bring in the landlord and don’t have your (paying) roommate’s support, you might just be stuck with a non paying roommate until you’re ready to leave.

        1. anon in the house*

          We did get approval from the landlord for him to move in. I am not willing to damage my excellent credit and rental history by defaulting, having an eviction, or moving out mid-lease and getting sued for rent by my other housemate. He does pay, just with extreme delays and only after repeated pestering, so I don’t think we’d be able to evict him for non-payment. If he wasn’t paying at all, I’d have a chance of getting my other housemate to agree to replace him with someone else.

          1. fposte*

            In most jurisdictions, he’d be on a month-to-month lease and you could choose not to renew it without any reason at all–no eviction, just “not feeling it, here’s 30 days’ notice that we’re not renewing you.” I really think it would be worth you doing some quick research on the law on this option in your area. Look up “notice requirements to terminate a month-to-month lease [town or state].”

            1. anon in the house*

              Yes, it would be possible to terminate his tenancy, but I would need my other housemate to agree. If their relationship goes south, that could happen but otherwise it is easier for me to leave on my own when I can. I have looked up some of the scenarios to make sure I can’t be held past the end of the lease date.

              1. fposte*

                Yes, I think it’s definitely about the fastest way out. Ugh. Sorry, what a pain that your roommate’s bad choice has put you in this position.

              2. Washi*

                Your housemate won’t agree if you ask her nicely. But based on the bf’s behavior she has some pushover tendancies soo what if you were not nice about it and absolutely demanded that he leave? She seems to have no problem putting you in a crappy position, so why not put some pressure on her?

                1. anon in the house*

                  I have thought about doing this, but even if she reluctantly agreed, I’d be turning the house into a very hostile environment that will probably dissolve on the same timeframe that I’m planning on leaving anyway. And realistically it would take months for the terrible housemate to get his act together since it will be super difficult for him to find a place that will accept him as a tenant/housemate.

    8. anon in the house*

      Thanks everyone for your comments! I’m going to keep aggressively pestering him. Maybe he will get so annoyed at me that he will decide to move out on his own – if that happens, I am definitely buying a lottery ticket.

      I can also afford my own small place when I move out, so I am going to spend time researching the best places to look at when I get my funds together.

  39. Tee*

    I have a dumb-adulting question, so bear with me.

    So taxes are due in Canada in about 2 months and I need to help my mother take care of her taxes (my dad passed away two years ago and used to their own taxes). I feel nervous about this because LAST YEAR, the accountant I found to do her taxes made a HUGE mistake and my mom had to pay an absurd amount of tax that she shouldn’t have (basically the RRSP she recieved from my father was *all* counted as income). Ugh, I feel like it’s my fault, but he wasn’t a CPA (I should have done more research). In the summer I found a new accountant who fixed the major error, and also noticed some other errors that the previous accountant. We received the amount she overpaid about a month ago, putting an end to this mess…

    ANYWAY, god, this is probably soo dumb. How… do I email this accountant to do my mother’s taxes for the upcoming tax season? After I thanked him for sorting this out, he offered his services for taxes, etc. I don’t know how to email him about this, is something like “Thanks again for sorting out the tax issue… please do my mother’s taxes for 2018? (and also mine because I have no time to do them myself this year)” I don’t know why I am so nervous about this, I guess because of the tax mistakes last year. Even though this new accountant fixed the mistakes, I’m still afraid there’ll be another mistake of some sort. I feel like such a bad “adult.” I’m over thinking everything, right?

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Umm… pretty sure “Thanks again for sorting out the tax issue… please do my mother’s taxes for 2018? (and also mine because I have no time to do them myself this year)” is fine. Like, it’s a service that he offers – so long as you don’t start the email with “ok, tax-slut” or “I’m not going to pay you, but I could give you exposure” I’m sure he won’t mind how you express that you’d like to hire him again.

    2. Jaid*

      A little bit, yeah. :-) It’s OK. Just e-mail him and ask when is a good time to stop in with the paperwork.

    3. Rebecca*

      I totally get this! I’m in the USA, and taxes terrify me. I moved last year, again, so school taxes are an issue (we pay taxes on our income here in PA and a portion of taxes goes to the school district, and I lived in two districts), plus I got divorced, I don’t know what I can claim and what I can’t claim, and for me, it’s overwhelming. I’d just call the accountant, set up an appointment, and let him do it! They’re used to this. I have an accountant I use, and I pay her rather than trying to do this myself. Next year, when I file for 2019, I may be able to do it myself, I don’t know. Good luck! Make the call! You’re not alone in this!

    4. Laura H.*

      Taxes are taxing. I’d email now rather than sitting on it, and maybe do what you can to ease the process- like have all necessary documents centralized. But yea, email or contact now so that good CPA can fit you in!

      Not a tax expert by any means and my taxes are basically “put gross income and all amounts in from official documents into tax software and done.”

    5. Anna P.*

      Yeah, I think you are overthinking it ;) Which is understandable, given the situation, but not helping you. You want him to do the work, he offered to do it, all you need to do now is let him know you want to take him up on that offer.

      Send him an email just saying that you’d like to engage his services to do two sets of taxes, yours and your mother’s, and ask what he needs from you to do so. If he hasn’t already been informed that your mother received the overpayment amount last month, that could make a good intro – you can let him know that and then say you’d like to take him up on his offer to do the taxes.

      You are not a bad adult. You hired someone unreliable – it happens. The mistake is on him. You also found someone to sort it out and got it fixed. You did a good job! It’s natural to feel a bit of trepidation at doing something again when it went wrong the first time, but it’ll be fine. Don’t worry too much about wording the perfect email – as long as it gets across the message “I want to hire you to do X”, it’s good enough.

    6. Kathenus*

      I’m in the US, so not sure if it’s the same in Canada but if you use most tax companies and I presume licensed CPA’s they have guarantees that they are financially responsible if they make a mistake. So it might help your stress level to make sure that this person has that, then you aren’t worrying about the possibility of a mistake because if there is one they have to handle it.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Dear John,
      Thank you so much for all your help with mom’s taxes last year. It meant a lot to the both of us.

      I would like to schedule an appointment to do mom’s taxes again. And I would like you to do my own taxes, too.

      Please let me know when is a good time to stop by with the paperwork and to discuss both our tax returns for this year.

      Thank you!
      Tee Lastname
      address
      phone

      1. LilySparrow*

        This is spot-on. The only thing I’d add is “Please let me know when is a good time to stop by with paperwork, *what you need me to bring,* and to discuss…”

        1. valentine*

          Yes.

          I believe in hiring professionals, that we shouldn’t all start our own businesses and grow our own food and everything else in more isolation that we currently have. There’s nothing wrong with needing help and you shouldn’t have to get a CPA license to avail yourself of their expertise.

    8. Asenath*

      Send an email saying exactly that. When I decided to get an accountant to do my taxes after a lifetime of doing my own (they’d started getting a bit complicated), the first year I got a recommendation from someone, and each year after that I just emailed saying I’d like him to do my taxes again, and does he want me to make an appointment now, or just send in all my paperwork and make an appointment when it’s ready to review. Tax accountants are in business to do taxes, and probably quite happy to have someone hire them for the job. I think myself it a very agreeable luxury – costs more than computer software, but on the other hand, he knows the rules for all the stuff that’s cropped up for me in the past few years, and that’s comforting.

      1. fposte*

        Yeah, I’ll probably go DIY after my current accountant retires in a couple of years, but in the meantime, it’s a cognitive load off of me.

        And Tee, can you reframe your thinking a little on the “mistakes”? I’m pretty good on my taxes but there are a few things I still just send off to my accountant with question marks, because the service he provides is to do my taxes so I don’t have to. You’re just sending stuff off with some uncertainty–that’s how things are when you send them off to a professional to regularize.

  40. Cruciatus*

    Just a little bummed this week. Lost out on another house for the same reason as last time–someone offered way over asking (on a house that’s already a little too expensive for what it is), and were willing to forego inspections. Argh! This was only the 2nd house in 3 months that I actually liked and now that it’s nearly spring even more home buyers will be added to the mix for any more houses that (hopefully) will pop up that meet my criteria. The city I live in has a relatively lower cost of living (so not like some housing markets you hear about. This 3 bedroom house was about 1400 sq. ft and was probably really worth about $145K but went for over the asking price of $174K) but inventory is much lower than usual in this area. I do wonder if the people whose offer was chosen will be me in 6 months. I’ll just be like “I’ll pay anything! Flood plain? Great! Inspections? Who needs ’em? Just get me a house!” Sigh…

    And relatedly, I’m tired of everyone telling me there are better houses. Maybe. But the two I lost out on were reallllly good. Kept up really well. This last one even had every outlet labeled as to which switch it went to and everything–even in the basement! They kept terrific care of it. So maybe there are better but somehow hearing this doesn’t make me feel better, just annoyed (though I’m not sure why).

    1. Not So NewReader*

      My sympathy. I have no idea how people keep it together while trying to adopt a child. I ended up near tears while house hunting and puppy hunting.

      I think when we deeply want something, it takes a toll when we don’t find it in a reasonable length of time. You’ve been house hunting for a while.

      Can you take a time out?
      Can you change what you are doing in some manner such as involving friends for support more often?

      For example, are you just using a realtor and home ads? Maybe you could add your friends in to let you know if they hear of a house going for sale and you can do a private sale somehow. In other words the house never hits the real estate ads because you are on it.

      1. Cruciatus*

        My fear though, is if I take a time out I will miss out! I know it was winter but I did take it slower the last few months. It actually didn’t slow down as much as usual since we’re having a slightly milder winter than usual. So I’m not at the stopping point yet but we’ll see how the next few months go. If they continue going like this I’ll think about taking a break.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yes, you will miss out. Just decide this will happen.
          I missed out on a center hall colonial with greco-roman pillars out front and several acres out back.
          Then there was the one with an apartment downstairs and another upstairs. The downstairs apartment had two living rooms, two kitchens and two bedrooms. The basement was so clean you could probably eat off the floors. I wouldn’t recommend it, though.

          Yeah so it is entirely possible you will miss out on some. It might be a bit woo-wooish but try to trust the flow of life. You will probably end up with a home, not a house. You will have something that you are entirely comfortable with and enjoy living in. My house took over a year to find and that was because we had to take breaks. It is a modest house and had been on the market for six months and I had not noticed it. This is all very odd as it was in a price range that was set to move it, so why wasn’t it sold in six months? No clue. We got half way through the house. The realtor turned her back and we nodded at each other. The realtor did not see the nod. That nod was our entire discussion to buy the house at the asking price. It was so anti-climatic after searching for all that time. I think those other houses gave us a sense of knowing that we would not have gotten any other way.

          There is a house out there for you. It might just be going on the market this week or this month. But there is a house waiting for you. Some blind trust can carry us when not much else works.

          I am picturing you posting one Sunday, “I have my house!!!” and we are all cheering.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Trying to find the right place is such a frustrating process. And unfortunately I think it takes about 3x as long as you expect. You just gotta stick with it and try not to get too discouraged. Maybe try just telling yourself that you’re looking for “your” house, and the ones you miss out on, well they just weren’t meant to be yours!

      And absolutely do NOT give up the inspection. It’s far too important and this will be much too much money you’re spending to risk.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        And absolutely do NOT give up the inspection. It’s far too important and this will be much too much money you’re spending to risk.

        My mom’s new neighbors skipped the inspection. After they bought the house and moved in, they discovered the seller had done his own renovations – probably without a permit – and had removed load-bearing walls.

        Don’t skip the inspection.

        1. Rainy days*

          Buyers who waive inspection usually have already inspected before making the offer. Someone who doesn’t bother to inspect at all…well, yes, that is incredibly foolish.

          1. Cruciatus*

            How is that possible though? The seller’s realtor specifically did mention they waived inspection to my realtor and why say that if they did in fact have it inspected ahead of time? I thought the whole point of waiving it was so that the current homeowners won’t be on the hook for any issues. Either way, no inspection does seem crazy.

            1. Someone Else*

              For most people, no inspection is very stupid. Outside of stupid, people willing to waive inspections are generally planning to spend $$$$ on reno anyway. So they’re less worried about finding out the tub is leaking if they were going to gut the bathroom anyway, for example. The other group of people who might waive an inspection are people who have a background in construction and might know enough about houses that when they looked through it themselves, they basically did their own inspection without hiring an actual inspector. So based on their own expertise, they’re cool with what they saw. Then there are people who are in a hot market and have been looking for so long they’ll do anything to try to get the deal because they’re panicking and feeling like they lost so many houses, logic goes out the window and they just want it to be over. Then they take a calculated risk that waiving the inspection gets them the house and cross their fingers it doesn’t turn out terrible.

            2. Rainy days*

              “Waiving the inspection” doesn’t mean that you’re not inspecting, it means that you forfeit the right to pull your offer based on the results of an inspection. I had a pre-inspection done and then I waived the inspection contingency when making an offer.

    3. No Name Yet*

      Ugh, I hear you. In a similar boat, though since September we’ve only found one house we liked enough to put an offer on. The inventory here is super low. Definitely stick with your gut about having an inspection and not overpaying. Other than that, fist bump of solidarity.

    4. Nacho*

      I remember trying to buy my house. Same thing happened to me that happened to you: Somebody bid $255 in cash on a place that was going for $230, and which I had bid $235. Keep trying though, you’ll get it eventually.

    5. Book Lover*

      I hope this doesn’t sound like harping on an irrelevancy – but houses are worth what people are willing to pay (and sometimes what the bank is willing to lend). So your judgements on what the house is worth are important in terms of what you are willing to offer, but if the market is hot you will miss out on houses to people who are judging the market and offering higher.
      I am sorry you missed out on it.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I actually don’t know how much over they paid yet. My realtor said that about the 179K point they’d be overpaying (which we had discussed while going over whether I wanted to escalate or not–I didn’t). I was mostly just listing it as another “offense” they caused (which I don’t really blame them for, but was just bummed they got it over me).

    6. Rainy days*

      This sucks. I live in a very, very overheated coastal city market, so I feel you.

      What helped me buy last year was having a brutally realistic real estate agent. He told us not to bother offering on a house if we weren’t willing to offer over asking price, unless the house needed major renovations (something we weren’t interested in). He also told us: “Your taste is not unique. If you love a house, others will too.” Find yourself an agent who will be similarly honest with you and help you play the game. If others are waving inspections, you will need to pre-inspect before making an offer. If others are waiving financing contingencies, you will need to find a lender who will investigate your finances thoroughly up front and go beyond pre-approval to guarantee you a loan (yes, this exists). We did all this and we won our first offer because we didn’t bother making offers on places we had no chance of winning or affording. I’m not blaming you for pursuing your dream house; I would have done exactly the same if our agent hadn’t really helped us quickly see what was realistic.

      We ended up buying much further out than we’d hoped, a smaller place than we would have liked, on a noisier street than we wanted. But you know what? We still love our new place. We have the income we have, we live in the market we live in, and we will do the best we can in our circumstances and still count ourselves lucky.

    7. Overeducated*

      I hear you! We haven’t even put down an offer yet, but I’ve been watching the market for months and we came very very close this week. Inventory is so low, it’s really depressing. I’m finding myself thinking I’ll have to be willing to commute over an hour, or get a car to get to the train station instead of walking or biking, or get a co-op house the same size as my current apartment, or all of the above – those were things I thought were non-negotiable! But I thought more would be on the market by now! It’s super frustrating.

    8. Owler*

      We went through this in a hot market several years ago. We started looking in May and managed to get our house in August when the market quieted as families, who wanted to buy before the school year, stopped looking. We mentally stopped looking at anything near the top of our budget so that we had a cushion and more leeway to escalate a bid. Good luck. It sucks.

  41. OyHiOh*

    I have had the strangest week. There were days I basically didn’t leave my bedroom, stared at the computer, and sulked. There were other days when I actively went out and engaged with friends and felt almost normal. Took my spouse’s name off two household accounts that came due this week which is it’s own sort of strange finality.

    And in the middle of this week, the brilliant Twitter rant written by Tabitha King and posted by her husband, Stephen about the nature of marriage and identity. At one point she said “Wife is status or relationship, not identity” and that clarified so many helpful things for me.

    A friend spouse and I had in common came over yesterday to help our kids put together models. It’s strangely intimate to watch that someone sit at your table, heads bent over tiny plastic parts with your kids, talking about the reasons why each got the kit they did. A lovely gesture of friendship that will probably be repeated in a few weeks, but once again strange.

    1. OyHiOh*

      Meant to mention also, Donor Alliance has their annual 5K this summer. I’m thinking about registering with our kids as a walking team; ask an old dear work friend of spouse’s if they and their family would like to join us. They’re working out logistics and are excited about the idea.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        People express their love and tenderness in so many ways. I teared up about the models and about the walking team. “I dunno what you will do next with your life, but I am not afraid to stand beside you while you sort this out.” These folks are my heroes. I am afraid of my own unknowns but they see something bigger and they were/are determined to stick by me. People can be so wonderful and they don’t even realize.

        And yeah, that’s right- a couple days staring at the walls and then a couple of days of proactive activity. It’s like the down time helps us to recharge to go do the next thing. I tend to believe the down time is a necessity. I had a friend who just curled up in bed for a while, when her husband passed. She needed to do that. It took years to play out but she had a successful career and she retired. She moved to a sunnier state. My point is that the down time, time spent staring at the walls is part of the grieving and we don’t get to skip steps. But we can go on and have full lives later in spite of the current rockiness. I think my friend faced her grief head on and that benefited her in the long run.

        Yes, there are may forms of that finality like taking his name off of accounts. And that hurts. But there are also things we get to keep. We get to keep friends, family, pets, and things that help us with daily life. We also get to keep the path we started with them- we keep the path through where we live, work and who we know because of them. So that is a bunch of intangibles that we never lose. My friend who lost her hubby three months ago, was talking today about how she feels safe here. She actually likes it here. So she found another intangible that she gets to keep.

        I am kind of excited about your 5k also. You will have to keep us posted on that.

        1. OyHiOh*

          We’re only a few weeks into this but I am just so amazed by the willingness of people to be friends and helpers and confidants.

          I’m pretty sure there will be a “thank you for holding our hands through the first year” party somewhere around the anniversary next February, complete with the hawaiian shirts and beach boys music my spouse loved. These people are amazing human beings and need to know how much I and the kids appreciate it.

          1. Thursday Next*

            This sounds like a lovely idea for so many reasons.

            I’ve been thinking of you and your family this week, and wishing you all possible peace and strength.

          2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

            Sending you a hug …Teary eyed over the wonderful network and the visual of the model-building. Ups and downs. I’m at six months anniversary of husbands death this week. Still ups and downs, just more good days than down days now.

    2. ..Kat..*

      I am glad that you have good friends to help you through this. I am wishing the best for you.

  42. Audiophile*

    I find myself going grocery shopping once a week and I’m rarely feeding other people. I’d like to start bringing my lunch more consistently. I think that will mean I really need to start planning out my meals for the work week.

    I usually make a chili on Saturday or Sunday with tons of veggies and throw it over a pasta. I’d love some more ideas for lunches.

    I’d like to reduce my weekly grocery shopping trip to one store. I’ve developed a bad habit of going to another store for odds and ends. This just means I spend too much on groceries.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Thekitchndotcom has weekly series on meal prep that has good ideas. I’ve been trying to reduce my grocery spending (and trips) and the meal prep has helped. I also alternate grocery stores which has helped with not picking up random things (Trader Joe’s is dangerous for that).

    3. lammmm*

      I find roasted veggies and chicken is a lazy go-to that will last throughout the week and is easy to mix up with different veggies and seasonings. I typically do a combination of sweet potato, red bell pepper, red onion, zucchini, mushroom, cauliflower, carrots, etc. Choose 3-4 of whatever veggie, toss with seasoning (I like either just a dried Italian blend and garlic powder with just a touch of oil, or a balsamic vinaigrette that’s more 50/50 oil to vinegar). On second sheet chicken with the same/similar seasonings. Roast at 425-ish for a while… 30-45 minutes ish as I like my veggies a bit charred. Take the chicken out when it’s done, leave the veggies in til they’re how you like them. This week it’s red bell pepper, mushrooms, red onion and snap peas with turkey smoked sausage.

      I’m also a fan of stir-fry. I’m attempting a chicken thigh, red bell pepper, zucchini, carrot and green onion sesame/soy stir fry. Maybe some mushrooms if I have extra from the roasted veggies. Typically I’d eat over rice. I have some on hand if I need to bulk up the stir fry, but trying to eat less carbs (side note, rice will keep outside the fridge for a few days at least. Prevents it from getting hard and crunchy).

      I cook on Mondays (work Tuesday – Saturday), put my food in large plastic containers that I keep at work and just scoop out a serving to microwave. I don’t like traditional breakfast foods, so make two “lunches” to eat while at work.

      1. lammmm*

        Also – don’t be afraid of paying for shortcuts. I just purchased what probably amounts to two cups of sliced red onions for $2.99. Could I have purchased a red onion for a fraction of that? Yes. However I detest slicing onions, can never get them as think as I’d like, and enjoy the taste of them roasted. I consider it a well spent $3.

        1. ..Kat..*

          This is an important point. Splurge knowing that this particular splurge is worth it to you.

  43. Loves Libraries*

    We had a poster testing the work thread very upset about the United Methodist decision about LGBTQ future. It was impacting her work. I’m also very upset and I don’t know if I can remain in the Methodist church. It’s complicated since our church is the one my husband has been attending all his life. I’m waiting to see if there is a split. We are in the south and our church is on the conservative side. Anyone else affected??

    1. Alice*

      I grew up in a United Methodist congregation that was – I can’t remember whether the language was “open and affirming” or “God is still speaking” but the congregation was inclusive and welcoming to LGBTQ+ people, and also more integrated racially than many churches (sadly, still not very). I moved out of my hometown for college and never came back long-term, so I’m no longer very connected. But I am sure that there are lots of people, maybe even people in your conservative-on-the-surface congregation, who are, like you, struggling with this. You aren’t alone.

      1. Alice*

        Actually it was “reconciling” that is the United Methodist version of “open and affirming.”

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sympathies. I’m not Methodist but I feel you about religious strife. It’s so painful when what should be a source of support and nurturing gets tangled up with disagreements.

    3. KayEss*

      My parents are deeply involved in their UM church, including going to regional councils as representatives, etc. so they’ve been following this closely. I haven’t talked to them since the decision was made, but they’ve been predicting schism for a while so it’s not a huge shock… just unfortunate. I don’t know what their personal church community will do, but they have been LGBT+ welcoming on some level for years already.

      I’ve heard a lot about the complex considerations going into this decision and it really makes me glad that I’m not involved in it. I do wish it had come down on the side of the official position being LGBT+ support and the schism-ers being the opposition, but I guess ultimately it’s the same either way. From my understanding, there wasn’t really any way out that didn’t end here.

    4. Book Lover*

      The church we borrow for large services has essentially seceded – they covered the ‘methodist’ in their name and are grieving.

    5. LilySparrow*

      I am not Methodist but have many friends who are. One think I think about a lot is that this was a global decision, and it was non-US delegates who carried the vote. Mostly from the Global South.

      We are acquainted with someone who attended the conference and he told us about one of the delegates standing up on the floor and saying that if the One Church (most inclusive) proposal passed, “the Methodist Church in Africa will burn.”

      I believe he was speaking literally. And I’m not sure that a lot of my friends, while kind loving and faithful people, would be so willing to pass the vote if they had as much at stake.

      I’m watching my friends’ social media feeds, and most of them are talking about this decision as if it’s their fellow rich white Americans who voted it down. But the reality they aren’t considering is that their strong, critical rhetoric is actually pointed against POC in developing nations.

      I’ve even seen some folks making comments about “the Africans” in a very, very problematic way. I’m also from the US South, and when my parents and their generation created the white flight from urban areas to the affluent segregated suburbs, they weren’t talking about race overtly. They were talking about good schools and personal safety. So when I hear my friends talking about their brothers and sisters in the denomination being “backwards,” that is the image that comes to mind.

      World Christianity in general is no longer dominated by white people in rich countries, nor by their cultural values. And some people have a very hard time with that – often the same groups who were most vigorous about evangelizing the Global South in the past. When you think about the Christian faith in particular, there’s a unique irony in the rich and privileged telling poor people in dangerous countries that they aren’t doing it right.

      The whole situation is ugly on a lot of levels, and it’s rapidly getting uglier.

      1. Alice*

        Certainly your prediction that things will get uglier seems hard to bet against. Schism might make me feel better, if it comes to that, but it certainly won’t help gay Christians in Liberia or Uganda.

      2. KayEss*

        This. I don’t know that I could make the decision between prioritizing LGBT+ support in places like the US, where church is mostly a social or philosophical community center, versus not putting congregations in countries where, say, homosexuality is illegal, at risk when they’re frequently a resource an entire community relies on for basic necessities. I mentioned above that my parents are heavily involved in their UM church–one of the things they do is connect with a sister church in Senegal for mission work to offer medical care to local villages (usually the only medical professionals they will see in a year) and train community health providers to provide regular care particularly to women. It doesn’t involve any evangelizing or require the recipients to be Christian, but it is 100% organized, funded, and facilitated through the church–without that connection, it would not happen.

        I’m angry it’s a choice that has to be made, but that is the reality. Schism was really the only realistic outcome.

        1. Rebeck*

          So queer people in the US are supposed to give up their church membership, their faith? No.

  44. Alaska Roll*

    So another update on my miscarriage saga. Sorry, this is heavy. If anyone else has had a complicated miscarriage I would really appreciate your perspective.

    Last week the doctor was able to tell that it was not ectopic, but thought I was going to have a miscarriage because my hormone levels were not rising fast enough. Well a week later I went for a second ultrasound and blood test, and they were able to see something growing in the uterus but it’s not a fetus. It looks like a partial molar pregnancy, which is a rare complication where two sperm fertilize one egg and the result develops into a tumor or “mole”. Technically, if it is a partial molar pregnancy, there is or was a fetus with severe defects, but it is being consumed by the mole.

    I have to go for a surgery next week to remove the tissue, and they’ll test it to confirm if it is indeed a molar pregnancy. If it is then I will need to be monitored for three months to a year or longer, to make sure my hCG level drops to and stays at zero. If it doesn’t, that means I will need another round of treatment, which could be another surgery, drugs, or even chemo (because that mole can spread to the rest of your body and become cancer). Fortunatly the need for chemo is rare, and the the survival rate is effectively 100%. Having already gotten the rare defect, hearing that cancer is a rare side effect of the rare defect isn’t all that comforting.

    I’ve been alternating between grief and shock and numbness and anger. And there’s a consistent undercurrent of fear. Even if everything goes perfectly with recovery, I am not sure if I will ever want to try to get pregnant again. Do I really want another kid enough to risk giving myself cancer? (There’s a 1-2% chance of recurrence) I’m glad I don’t have to decide now, but my window is quickly closing, and I cannot even start trying until the mole has been cleared for at least three to six months.

    1. LibbyG*

      What a terrible setback! I’m so sorry you have to have surgery and hold off for an unknown number of months. I hope you get reassuring results soon and that you quickly find a path that feels right for you and your family.

      1. Lilith*

        I’ve not heard of any of these but I’m so sorry you are going through all this. Sending cyber hugs from the cold Midwest US.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Hug if you want it from across the internet. Years since I dealt with my body’s issues, those days of hope are long gone, but I found the Resolve group helpful to process the feelings at the time. I don’t know if they still exist, but I sure had benefit from support from others in the same/similar circumstances at the time.

    3. Quandong*

      I’m so sorry to hear this diagnosis, and for the way it affects you now and going forward. I hope your upcoming surgery goes as well as possible, and that your recovery and monitoring are uncomplicated.

    4. Lemonwhirl*

      I am so sorry for your loss and for the complications and their fears.

      I am glad to hear that it sounds like you have good medical care. I hope they take good care of you. (Also, I would highly recommend at least a few sessions with a therapist. This stuff is so hard and it really helps to have a skilled and compassionate mental health professional assist with it.)

      1. Alaska Roll*

        Thanks Lemonwhirl. I am very thankful to have access to good doctors, and to have not terrible insurance. My doctor has been great and very compassionate, and I feel like I am in good hands.

        One small bright spot in all this is that I will hit my out of pocket max for insurance, so seeing my counselor will be “free” for the rest of the year. I have an appointment with her in a few weeks, and won’t hesitate to see her regularly until I feel like I’m in a good place. I might also go see the doctor for some minor stuff that I have been just dealing with and see if they can treat it more effectively.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      I am very sorry you’re going through this. Sending you good thoughts and cyber hugs.

    6. Anna*

      I want to share that i had a partial mola years ago between my children. It was very scary because I had not even heard of it Before. I found it Very hard to have to make this mental shift from i am pregnant to I am losing the fetus to get this terrible thing out of me. I Also found the waiting hard. First the levels had to go down and then I had to wait another 6 months. I Was lucky I got pregnant quickly. Had Some ekstra tests done and every thing turned out okay. I am hoping the same for you and I am sending solidarity and lots of support.

      1. Alaska Roll*

        Thank you, yes the mental shifts are the hardest part so far. It is like I have to start the grief process all over after each appointment.

  45. Foreign Octopus*

    Can anyone help me?

    I’m trying to think of a noun but I can’t do it.

    It’s a noun for a historical document that has under the main writing another document? Like if the Magna Carta had something else written beneath it. I can’t think of what this word is and it’s driving me mad. Can anyone help?

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          Alice. I could bloody kiss you. Yes! That’s it. Thank you a thousand times!!! You have no idea how much that has been annoying me today. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        No, it’s more like when you have a pad of paper and you write down “Dentist apt. 3pm, Thurs” and then you tear that paper off and stick it on the fridge. The piece of paper beneath it has the indent markings on it still but you use the paper to write a shopping list, however there is a message beneath the shopping list.

        There’s a word for it but Google isn’t helping.

  46. anon24*

    I posted a few weeks ago as a comment to one of the threads (I think best and worst) about how my migraines were getting worse and really effecting my life. Several people strongly encouraged me to see a doctor, which I already had an appointment for, and to get an MRI. Just an update for those people (and anyone else interested).

    I’ve been using the app Migraine Buddy for a few months now to track my migraines. Highly recommend it! I went to see my doctor this week and was able to hand her a printout of everything that’s going on as well as show her on the calendar how much it’s affecting me – I think I had 4 days last month where I didn’t have a migraine. I feel like it really helped her take the situation seriously. So now I have an appointment for an MRI, an appointment at a neurologist, and some medication to try in the meantime. Still getting migraines but the meds seem to be kicking the intensity down. So I’m feeling a little hopeful! I want my life back!

    As an aside, the next person to ask/tell me if I’ve tried peppermint essential oil to cure my migraines is getting strangled. Not helpful.

    1. Not All*

      Good luck & I’m so glad she took you seriously!

      and omg…PLEASE strangle the next essential-oil-will-cure-X person! All of society will be be better for it!

      (I just went off on one of my coworkers who kept pushing me to take my elderly hypothyroid cat to her naturopath, that no, in fact, my cat has an actual medical condition and needs actual medicine, not placebo woo)

    2. Nicole76*

      I’m glad you are taking the steps to get treatment. I get a migraine maybe once a month and it’s hell; I cannot even imagine having one as often as you do. Hope you find something that works to get rid of them altogether!

      I feel lucky that mine go away if I take Excedrin Migraine, but since it has caffeine in it, I can only take one if the migraine develops early in the day. If I get one later on, the only way to get rid of it is to sleep it off, and sometimes I’ll wake up and it’s still slightly there, although not as intense.

    4. Someone Else*

      If the new medication doesn’t work for you (and isn’t what I’m about to suggest), I’ve had a lot of success with a nasal spray migraine medicine rather than pills. You might ask your doctor about that. We came to realize that part of what was prolonging my migraines was I tend to have pre-pain symptoms that I didn’t always recognize were an oncoming migraine. By the time I took my (old) medication, which was after the pain started, it was too late to be effective. I needed to take my pills within the first few minutes of symptoms for it to help me. The nasal spray is much more fast acting, so I can take it later after the migraine starts and still get the relief. It’s really changed my life. It’s expensive, but if you’re in a phase with your doctor where you may be trying several different migraine meds to see what works best for you, it may be worth asking about.

    5. HannahS*

      I’m so glad the meds are working for you! I’m already on an anti-convulsant for something else, so adding one in didn’t make sense for me, and I’ve had bad reactions to amitryptiline in the past. My family doc suggested I try a combination of supplements that were recommended by the Canadian Headache Society, and it’s really helped me. I’m on high doses of magnesium, co-q 10, B2, and vit.D. Having looked at the evidence myself, some is stronger than others, so once I chart the coming month, I’m going to start eliminating the pills one at a time and seeing which one is actually making the difference–I suspect it’s the magnesium. The pills are expensive, and I don’t want to keep paying for all of them. Keep going with whatever’s working for you, obviously; I just wanted to share that the supplements are a legitimate intervention.

      1. StarHunter*

        There was a double blind study done with sumatriptan vs. a glass of water with 1/8 tsp of ginger (if I remember correctly). The ginger worked almost as well without the side effects. I’ve tried it with mixed results. My problem being is I always wait too long and then the only thing that works is the sumatriptan. Migraines stink! Got rid of one of my triggers (estrogen), but now things like change in air pressure sets one off (especially flying and nor’easters). And then there is the migraine hangover….

      2. anon24*

        Thank you for this! To be clear, I’m not hating on supplements or even essential oils necessarily, although I think the current hype is BS. I loved essential oils for aromatherapy but now I have cats so can’t use them. It’s more that people are suggesting that this oil is going to cure 20 years worth of chronic pain like a magic potion. It’s so minimalizing to what I go through.

        I know magnesium helps a lot of people. It didn’t work well for me when I tried it about 10 years ago but bodies change so I may try it again. I’m glad you found something that works for you!

        1. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

          My husband had a friend who became our roommate, who tried to go all-natural, peppermint oil & massage therapy for migraines. They’d slouch around the house moaning & groaning in pain for days, refusing my husband’s offers of ibuprofen or excedrin (he is also a migraine sufferer) yet catch them posting on mutual friends FB pages about how GREAT peppermint oil worked as a cure! It made me wonder how many other such natural cure proponents evince such extreme cognitive dissonance (or maybe just plain old denial) about their favorite form of less than adequate treatment.

    6. Pippa*

      Glad to hear! And if you need an alibi after whacking an essential-oil-will-cure-you person, lemme know. :-)

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Not sure how the app works, but in case it tracks exposure to possible triggers…I have an odd one you may want to see if it’s on the list: fluorescent lighting.
      That is the most definite of mine.

      1. anon24*

        It does have the ability to track triggers. And if something isn’t on the list I can add it. Dim light is one of my triggers. Fluorescent lighting isn’t so much but I’m not exposed to a ton of it.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        For me, it’s fluorescent light or any kind of glare or flickering at all. I now dread going to concerts because I don’t know if they’re going to have the damn strobe lights- at Tom Petty, I ended up sitting almost the entire concert with my eyes closed and my hands over my eyes – and I could still sense those sharp stabs of light.

        I always wear a hat and sunglasses outdoors and I had the fluorescent lights over my desk at work turned off.

        (Also – check dehydration and barometric pressure changes.)

    8. ..Kat..*

      After you strangle them, essential peppermint oil will cover up the smell of decaying body.

      I am glad that you have been able to track your migraines so thoroughly. That should be immensely helpful for your doctor to determine how best to help you.

      Good luck.

  47. Family cars*

    Talk to me about family cars. We have to fit 3 car seats in or second car. It will be used to get DH to/from work 95% of the time, but we need to be able to fit all 3 kids every so often. The kids are all in car seats/boosters and will be for the foreseeable future.

    Right now DH drives a BMW 4 series (the coupe) and we can only fit 2 car seats in due to the deep seats. We don’t really want to spend the $ on a 5 series, but that is big enough.

    We are thinking of a smaller SUV that’s fun to drive. The BMW X3 is too small, and also too expensive. We don’t like the Honda CRV but are thinking something like that. If it were cheaper, I like the LR4.

    Ideas? Sporty but fun cars that could handle 3 car seats in a pinch? Bonus points for not being too spend but throw all the ideas out there!

    1. Madge*

      The 2014 CRV, Toyota Rav 4, and Mazda CX-5 were all so similar I could have thrown a dart and been happy with my choice. (I got the CRV). So the flip might work as well in that if you dislike one you’ll dislike them all. I felt the Subaru Forester had too much power, but my husband loved it. And we have a Subaru Outback that had been a good car. My CRV is wider though and fits 3 people in the back more comfortably. Subaru has lots of little, thoughtful touches, like a light for where you step out of the car.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        FYI on the CRV: I had a 2014 CRV and got utterly demolished by a texting teenager who plowed into the back end going 50+ while I was stopped at a stop light, thus also smashing me into the back of the giant Dodge Ram in front of me. The police officer looked at my car and was convinced he was going to be calling an ambulance because there’s no way the driver was walking away – except, between safety features and divine providence, I came out with a cracked rib and nothing worse, not even whiplash. I turned around and bought another one within a week. (My original one was totaled, obviously.)

        1. fposte*

          I love Honda, but there are problems with the current CRV engine that they are *not* dealing with well or fairly, and it’s turning me off buying a Honda next round.

        2. lammmm*

          Honda’s also tend to last a long time. Not important if your one to upgrade frequently.

          My last Civic (before someone ran a red light and riped the front end off) was at 85k+ miles (if I’m remembering from the insurance paperwork correctly, though that seems low to me) and the ONLY maintenance it had done to it was oil changes. And I think I replaced the brakes twice. We were planning on dumping maybe $1500 into it to keep it running for another 5-10 years. I had it for 8 or 9 years when it got totaled.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Hopefully my first comment is not lost in moderation. I just bought a used (120K miles) Toyota Highlander, and had a CRV before. The highlander (being a toyota) will run forever – the model I got is one the sister-in-law has (150K on hers) and her mechanic (300K on his). It has a 3rd row seat. will easily hold 2 adults and 4 car seats. Or six adults. Seats drop down easily, has roof rack, so I can use it for my camping or scuba gear. Mom loves it – easy to get into and out of with her cane (future lateral transfers with the transfer board from a wheelchair).
      Now, I only drive ~5000 miles a year. But it is up a 13% grade for my primary work destination, on a major freeway rife with semi trucks and difficult merging. So the V-6 was a big consideration.
      I did look at the Mazda CX-9; but used, the long term reliability of the toyota was a bit more known in my area.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      SUVs are generally not fun to drive, unfortunately, even small ones. If that’s an important criteria, perhaps a Volkswagen Golf Sportwagen? It is roughly the price of a Honda CR-V and the like but will be much more fun to drive and still has a station wagon practicality. The one thing I’m doubtful of is how well it would handle three car seats.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I just learned to drive a few years ago and have a Subaru SUV. What makes a car fun to drive?

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          “Fun to drive” generally means it handles very well and has good acceleration. Most cars today have more power than they need to, but a good-handling vehicle is a little trickier to find, because SUVs have a lot of unnecessary weight and are top heavy.

      2. OP*

        Our current family car is an MDX. We love it. It’s just way too big for DH’s daily commuter car. We did briefly consider being a 2 MDX family but it is a little silly.

        Does NOT have to be an SUV. Just needs to be able to fit 3 car seats (even if it’s hard to install or cramped-that’s OK).

        With that revised criteria, any ideas?

        Again, this is a primary work commute car but must as a criteria for the entire family (right now when my MDX is not available, the kids can’t all go in the other car, which is no bueno).

        1. Someone Else*

          A Honda Fit should be able to handle 3 carseats. I’ve seen pretty heavy splits between people who find it reasonably sporty enough for a commuter car and those who insist it is slow and therefore not sporty, but might be worth a look.
          That said, I am suddenly wondering if there may be a line between “fits 3 carseats” and “fits the 3 carseats you already have”…so some math might be in order. If you know the dimensions of your existing carseats (or might be swapping some of them out for different models soon) getting the sum of the widths and then checking the backseat dimensions of any cars you’re considering is probably the way to go.

        2. Nita*

          I have a Toyota Prius. The back row has two car seats and an adult space in the back right now, but this spring I’m planning to switch that to two car seats and a booster. At a glance, looks like everyone should fit. I had to do some crazy acrobatics to get two convertible seats installed side by side, but it’s doable.

    5. Slartibartfast*

      I have a 2011 Kia Sportage, it would fit 3 in the back I think. The middle seat doesn’t seem any smaller than the sides.

      1. Slartibartfast*

        And it doesn’t take any more gas than my old sedan did, very comfortable to drive as well.

  48. The Cosmic Avenger*

    Adulting thread!

    What (non-work) thing did you get done this week? Is there something on your list that you have been putting off? Sometimes saying it outright makes me commit to doing it, so feel free to do that, too.

    I finally sent back some EZ-Pass transponders to close an account (I opened one for my state recently, so now that we’re using that I needed to close the old one).

    This week, I will replace the batteries in the keyless remotes for our car. (The car keeps warning us that the remote battery is low! How neat is that!)

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I was able to get Amazon to process my refund from a delivery that never turned up. I’m still waiting on the money but at least I have confirmation the process has been started.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I scheduled a vet appointment for one of the cats. Leo needs blood work in order get another supply of B12 injections.

      I’ve been putting off scheduling insertion of an IUD. Worried about pain mostly. I called yesterday and of course the office had a half day, which means I’ll need to work up the nerve to call again Monday. Mad at myself because I’ve been out of work for two weeks with only one more week to go, and still haven’t scheduled it.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          He’s fine, thanks. He needs monthly B12 injections, which I give at home. He has issues absorbing nutrients and this keeps his weight stable. He’s a senior.

      2. Ewesername*

        I just got off my first plane. Ever. Waiting for the second one. Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      I thought I would have to go to the state Motor Vehicle dept. to renew one vehicle registration because I missed the deadline. Dear Spouse suggested I try the website first, just in case. Magic! Problems solved while I sat in my dining room wearing a bathrobe!

      2. ..Kat..*

        I renewed my vehicle registration! Had to go in to the DEQ, though. In Oregon, when we renew our vehicle registration, we have to get our cars emissions tested. A pain, but for the greater good.

        Next adult thing, sort out my PT bill and pay it.

    5. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I sorted, purged & filed literally PILES of papers! This type of thing (well actually, everything) had completely overwhelmed me more & more over the last few years. Not being sick/in pain is amazing (as my daughter would say, ‘highly recommend, A++) (also, three cheers for good docs, proper diagnosis & surgery).
      Also I took my sewing machine in to be repaired, which was a 45 minute drive. I’ve /only/ needed to do that for 2-3 years….. I asked my friends on fb for lunch suggestions in the town we were going to and that was delish. It was a beautiful, slightly drizzly drive along the coast, so it was a lovely ‘chore’ to do!

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        It feels great, doesn’t it? We had our basement redone in 2017, and it had become our default storage area…and by storage area, I mean dumping ground. I must have made at least a dozen trips to the county dump, and our SUV was filled to the gills for most of those! But the diagnosis is even better! Yay!!

    6. PX*

      I made sure I sent in a form so I can vote in the European parliamentary elections (I live in a different, soon to be ex-EU country than where I can vote, so needed to get that sorted).

      And then this morning I spent way too much time trying to figure out how to new savings account with a better interest rate. Did it. Realised actually maybe I cant because I can only have 1 of this type open in any given tax year. But then found out there are alternative better savings accounts out there, so maybe I’ll open one of those instead next week. But there was a lot of adulting for a Saturday morning!

    7. Elizabeth West*

      This sounds silly, but I have this remote control holder on my coffee table that spins around. It has two sections–I put remotes in it, along with reading glasses, a thing of lotion, and assorted bookmarks I can grab while reading on the sofa. I bought it at the flea market years ago. It’s made of some kind of smooth fiberboard, and it was the ugliest shade of baby poo orangey-brown ever. I was just incredibly sick of looking at that color, frankly, but it’s far too useful to chuck.

      This week, I finally, FINALLY managed to paint it a nice warm white. It took two days, two coats of acrylic paint, and a coat of decoupage sealer, but the thing looks so much better. Such a small detail, but I don’t cringe when I look at it anymore! I want to find some cute clip art of TVs and decoupage them on the sides. :)

      1. ..Kat..*

        Cute! We don’t always realize how an icky color can be a mood downer, but a nice color can be a mood elevator. Even in something so small as this caddy.

    8. carrie heffernan*

      I went to the dentist. I always go 2x a year but it is definitely not something I enjoy yet know it is important. No cavities and my gums are healthy! I will take it!

    9. Clever Name*

      I cleaned my shower and made room in my bedroom and bathroom for my boyfriend when he moves in :)

    10. lammmm*

      1. I called on my student loans. Got a nasty letter from the collection agency the Department of Ed is using for my student loans, and got set up on their rehabilitation program. I put it off for two days, but spent one morning syking myself up and made the call at lunch. Turns out the lady I spoke to was originally from my area and super friendly.

      2. Called the HR department of one of my part-time jobs. I’m for whatever reason not able to log into the HR site, even though I can clock in (I have a suspicion as to why), so I had to call and request a W-2 to be mailed to me.

      Doesn’t seem like much, but making those two calls within a week was kinda a big f-ing deal for me.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        It is a big deal! I put calls on my Google Tasks list along with everything else, because otherwise I will “forget”…as in, when I do think of them, I figure I’ll do them later. For some reason, I find it a little more comfortable to make the call using my computer headset and boom mic, so I usually do that.

  49. Guests Catering Wedding?*

    I am clutching my Miss Manners pearls! Just received an invite to a “Stock the Bar” party for someone’s upcoming wedding (to which we have not yet been invited). Instructions are to bring a bottle of alcohol “to donate” for the upcoming big day. Is this a thing? I am shocked. (Maybe I’m just really old or out of touch.)

    Is this another version of the trend of crowdfunding personal events? Has anyone else seen something like this?

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      That sounds weird to me. I suppose it’s a way to have an open bar at less of the price but I’d still be a little put off by it to, particularly if I hadn’t yet been invited.

    2. From One Bride...*

      I’m planning my wedding. I would not ask my guests to bring anything, and if I were to, I wouldn’t until they received an invitation. By that statement though, I’m not condoning them bringing their own alcohol, especially being asked to do so.

      I have actually heard a horror story regarding people bringing their own. People got really drunk and fights broke out. But they weren’t asked to BYOB; they did so because they found out ahead of time the bar was only going to have beer, wine, and soda. Now I originally only wanted to do that to keep costs down, but I had to compromise with my fiance about what he wanted (the fully-stocked open bar) and about what I wanted (certain vendors choices over his). I don’t want people to remember my wedding solely based on the type of bar I provided at the reception and never hear the end of it if it doesn’t meet people’s expectations (to which I roll my non-drinking eyes).

    3. Brandy*

      It’s weird. I’ve actually been to a “stock the bar” party, but it was a Jack and Jill bridal shower. It was hosted by a friend and guests brought bar stuff (glasses/bar ware, and also alchohol) as the shower gift. The couple was early 30s and didn’t need any of the traditional shower items.

      It was NOT used to stock the bar at their wedding.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, I’ve seen it in lieu of a traditional “shower,” and it seemed like a sensible choice (no one really wants their aunt to buy them a lace teddy, but a decent chianti or scotch is nice).

    4. GoryDetails*

      Clutching my pearls, too! Though it’s far from the worst weird-wedding-behavior I’ve heard of. Asking for contributions before sending invitations is the least of it… That said, I did participate in a really enjoyable stock-the-bar party once upon a time; my senior-year-of-college roommates had acquired a fabulous old oak bar, the kind in saloons in Western movies, complete with mirrored wall panels and the room-length bar itself, and after we’d refinished and installed it in our off-campus house we had a stock-the-bar bash. Of course all the contributors got to help field-test the bar AND the donated booze, as well as invitations to subsequent parties, and a fine time was had by all. [Well, until I noticed my grades slipping… Probably best NOT to live in a house with a fully-stocked bar during college exams!]

    5. Anona*

      If you don’t like it, then maybe skip it? It’s not something I’d do, but if they’re doing that instead of a traditional wedding shower, cool. Weddings are hella expensive!

    7. fposte*

      I’m not a fan of the potluck wedding in general, and this approach just confuses me–you’re hosting people for an event because you can’t afford to host people?

      1. Parenthetically*

        We had a pot-luck reception. We’re super broke but have loads of friends who kept offering to help, and a few friends suggested we provide the mains and they’d organize friends bringing appetizers and sides. My circle of friends were pretty hard-hit by the GFC — we’re all of the age that we were graduating from college or grad school, or trying to break out of post-college retail/foodservice jobs in 2008 — so this is not uncommon for folks my age. We love and support each other, we want to make life easier for each other, we don’t want our friends to have to elope or have tiny receptions just because they’re not wealthy.

        I can see being annoyed in some situations, but a stock-the-bar party is increasingly common. We want to continue to celebrate marriage as a milestone in people’s lives, but with people marrying later and most couples living together before marriage, the ordinary wedding registry of towels and cookware doesn’t really make sense for a lot of people. It can be done in a money-grubbing or gift-demanding way, but it can also be done in a fun, community-support way.

        As always, if it offends someone, they shouldn’t go. But a lot of the critique of cultural shifts like this strikes me as similar to all the other “milennials! gasp!” stuff that still happens for some reason.

        1. Jasnah*

          I don’t think anyone (millennials or otherwise) needs to have towels and kitchenware gifted to them if they already live together. But it seems really tacky to me to have a “help us supply things for our wedding” party. Showers are already pretty gift grabby, but at least then you can make your own gift decision, not “please donate to our wedding, which you may not be invited to.”

          1. Parenthetically*

            I’ve never heard of a stock-the-bar party going toward the wedding as in the OP — I’ve definitely heard of a stock-the-bar shower to, you know, stock the bar in the couple’s house.

            I agree it’s always tacky to ask for gifts from people who aren’t invited to the wedding. I’m mainly speaking about the concept of a pot-luck wedding. As with most things, I think there are good (communal, celebratory, 100% optional and pressure-free) and bad (inviting people to pitch in who aren’t invited to the wedding, pushy, given with a sense of obligation) ways to do it.

      2. CTT*

        I’ve never been to one but have a few friends who have, and their reports were that it’s a huge cultural thing. There are some places where it’s not about the cost aspect, it’s just the tradition

        1. fposte*

          I can see that it might be the tradition in places. I have to say that I’m always going to be a reluctant adopter of traditions that mean a new way for somebody to ask other people for money, but as long as they’re not asking me, what I think doesn’t matter.

          1. Lilysparrow*

            Also, I don’t live in a place where this is a tradition. And I have yet to be invited to the wedding of anyone from a culture with this tradition.

            We are all finally getting the message that cultural appropriation is gross. But it seems like people are quick to justify it if it results in getting someone else to pay for your stuff.

          2. Someone Else*

            I love the way you’ve phrased this. I’m certain this will come in handy in my life in general.

    8. Nacho*

      On the one hand, I’ve never heard of anything like this. On the other, I’ve heard weddings are super expensive affairs that cost a bunch of money per person to cater, and probably more to provide an open bar. If’s already a thing to give wedding presents, so I don’t see how this is any worse, just a little more practical and explicit.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        No, weddings aren’t inherently expensive. You are just as much married by a clergy person in your living room, or a JOP at City Hall, as at a lavish open-bar party with catering and 200 guests.

        There have always been broke people. Broke people have always gotten married. They just weren’t ashamed that their broke friends knew they were also broke.

        The idea that a “real” wedding is a Big White Wedding that costs an eye watering sum of money is a very recent phenomenon. I came of age in the ’90s, and I watched the turn. The assumption I grew up with was that big weddings with sit-down dinners and dancing were a luxury for rich and ultra-rich people. Regular people with regular jobs had punch and cake in the VFW hall on Saturday afternoon, or a cookout in their parents’ backyard.

        Pretending to be rich seems to have become a life goal for a lot of people now, and a “need” that they feel justified asking everyone else to underwrite.

        If you can splash out to host your entire extended family and all your friends and co-workers at a huge fancy party, fantastic. More power to you. Enjoy the hell out of it!

        But if you can’t, then throw the party you can afford. Getting married without an open bar isn’t depriving anyone of a basic human right. Having a small wedding isn’t a humiliation or a hardship.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I agree. It floors me when I hear people say they took out a second mortgage on their home in order to pay for the wedding. To each their own, of course, but I just don’t get why someone would want to do that. If you can afford it without going into debt, fine. More power to you. But a second mortgage of $35,000? Yikes.

      2. Jasnah*

        The practicality and explicitness is the problem. There’s a reason why we don’t buy tickets to weddings, though people sometimes give cash gifts.

    9. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Eh. If it’s in lieu of a shower then, while unusual, it doesn’t seem like a problem. (I mean, I think showers are inherently icky — a party for the explicit purpose of gathering gifts, from people who are expected to give you another gift a few weeks later? But, as a society, we’ve agreed to be ok with showers.)

    10. Alex*

      That is super weird.

      But I really hate “dictated gift” parties. It’s one thing to have a shower and then a wedding. People can choose the gift that they feel comfortable purchasing and giving. But when you start saying “bring me X gift” you get into gift grabby tackiness.

      Also, does that mean that the drink selection is dependent on whatever random bottles of alcohol are gifted? So, “Welcome to our wedding. We have one bottle of champagne, one bottle of merlot, one bottle of kiwi vodka, one bottle of peppermint schnapps, and seven bottles of Bailey’s. Enjoy!”

    11. Lilysparrow*

      Consider my pearls clutched. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

      If you can’t afford the wedding you want, invite fewer people or change the plans. Everybody doesn’t get to be a princess in this life. The quicker you make peace with that, the happier & more productive your life will be.

    12. Just me*

      I think it’s weird. I’d be 50/50 on going or not.

      Could be worse, though. I once recieved a mass email wedding shower invite that said: Hey Dingleberrys (not exact term, but close enough). Here’s your invite to our Give Us Stuff Party.

      I did not attend.

    13. lammmm*

      I’ve seen it when the couple lives together and doesn’t need typical shower and/or wedding gifts, as their household is already established and stocked. From what I’ve seen it’s supposed to be a cute “if you want to buy us something buy us a bottle of booze” theme vs buying them things that they already have and/or don’t need.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        their household is already established and stocked.

        Which is why I threatened to send people home with a lamp or a set of sheets for our wedding after making it clear NO GIFTS.

    14. ..Kat..*

      (Begin snark) Perhaps the reason you haven’t been invited to the wedding yet is because the bridal party wants you to provide free labor as a bartender. (End snark)

      I am a big fan of having the wedding you can afford. The bridal industry in the USA keeps pushing bigger! More extravagant! More expensive!

      I remember when DH and I were interviewing wedding photographers (I couldn’t have cared less about pictures, but my husband wanted them, so compromise.). One photographer was telling us it was important to have a special entrance and exit, plus bridal ‘stunts’ during the wedding and reception, because after all, “when the wedding is over, all you have left are the pictures.” I was able to keep a straight face when I told this photographer that I was going to keep the husband and the ring as well! Then we left, because this photographer was not compatible with DH and me.

    15. Epsilon Delta*

      Ok so for context I am 29 and got married two years ago, so I am not too far removed from my experience of the wedding industrial complex. I am not quite sure which aspect of this people are reacting negatively to. Is it the booze? Is it the fact that the alcohol will be used at the wedding? Is it the fear that it’s just going to be these 20 bottles of whatever people bring and then no more alcohol? Is it because you are being asked to bring two gifts to the shower? (Alcohol plus something off a wedding registry?) Is it because it’s just different than the tradition? Honestly I am not quite sure and I feel like I might be missing something.

      Anyway, this is a shower idea I did consider briefly but did not end up doing (and now I am glad I didn’t!). I saw it suggested on a few websites for wedding shower planning/themes. The point of a shower is to bring a gift that will be useful to the person who is about to go through a major life transition such as marriage or having a first child. It sounds like for this couple, reducing the cost of their wedding is more helpful than a matching china set or fancy towels. If that is not something you’re interested in doing then it’s fine to skip it. But it’s not, in my opinion, outrageous to ask for a specific type of gift at a shower since we do have the concept of showers and gift registries already.

  50. Can you hear me now???*

    Has anyone had any texting issues with either the Samsung Galaxy and/or MetroPCS provider? Issues such as not receiving messages, not getting them right when the person sends them (say a 10 minute delay), or delays as much as 12 hours later? Are these issues with other types of phones, such as an iPhone? Any known solutions besides getting a new provider?

    Friends are getting ticked that I’m not answering their messages (or answering late), but I’m pretty much not getting them as of late. Now it’s starting to seem as if they aren’t getting mine either. It seems to be happening with the iPhone users. I want to know if this is a provider-wide issue or an Android/iPhone snafu so I know how to go about getting this fixed.

    PS I don’t have my friends blocked. I checked to make sure.

    Thanks!

    1. anon24*

      So back in the day when I had my galaxy s3 on At&t I had issues with texts not coming through at all until I sent a text and “opened the gateway”. After weeks of back and forth we figured out that something had gone wrong and either the phone or SIM card went bad first and somehow fried the other one. So when I replaced the SIM the phone fried the new card and when I reset the phone the SIM messed up the phone again. I ended up having to get a new phone and new SIM card at the same time to fix it.

      But it could also be your phone provider. When my husband had a smaller provider (straight talk) he had the worst issues with texts coming hours late. I hated trying to get ahold of him because he never got my messages and his phone wouldn’t always ring either so I couldn’t just call him.

      And historically there have been issues with Android/iPhone messaging because apple wants to force us all to convert to their products (probably not the reason, but I’m a die hard apple hater ;) )

    2. Penguin*

      Not texts, but voicemails; I’m on a shared plan with Samsung Galaxy phones (on Sprint). The phones are not notifying us about voicemails, and on at least one of the phones not notifying of missed calls. Restarting the phone temporarily fixed the problem on one phone, but only once; the second time it did not solve anything.

      Sadly, I have no solutions; we’re just about fed up with this (and other carrier-specific issues) and are looking at other providers.

      1. Rebecca*

        I have a Samsung Galaxy Sky, Tracfone service, and it doesn’t notify me of voice mails, either. I only knew I had voicemails when friend said, hey, I tried to call you but couldn’t leave a message, your voice mailbox is full. So frustrating. My phone is a year and a half old, would like to get at least another 6 months or so out of it, but I would appreciate a head’s up that a voice mail is pending.

    3. Weegie*

      It’s happending to me ALL the time now! It doesn’t seem to matter which brand of phone it is, or provider. I did some trawling around various tech-related forums, and the consensus seemed to be that it was incompatible text messaging systems/apps on different phones.

      I’ve pretty much switched to WhatsApp – never any problem there with message delivery.

    4. Anonerson*

      I’ve had this problem since day one with my iPhone (5c). Messages and voicemails don’t get through at all unless I’m connected to wifi, and then only sporadically – or they arrive several days late. The only fix I’ve found is constantly using cell data or LTE – all the messages/voicemails seem to go through that way, but it can get pricey.

    5. Sara(h)*

      Is it a new phone? Have you ever used your phone number with an iPhone, or is it a new-to-you number that could have been attached to an iPhone? If so, when the number gets switched to a non-iPhone, without the proper steps being taken first, you will not receive texts from iPhones until you unregister your number with Apple. It’s an issue with the iMessaging system which is infuriating and not properly publicized.

      If you seem to be having the problem only with getting messages from iPhones, it’s probably related to this issue. There is a website online where you can unregister the number with Apple iMessaging, and it then it can a few days, but it did resolve the issue for me.

  51. I Work on a Hellmouth*

    What are my crafty people up to? Any new projects or finally finished projects?

    I am over the moon because my purple denim jacket with the fun lining, spiked epaulets, and SEQUINED TIGER HEAD ON THE BACK is finally finished! (If anyone is actually curious about what this jacket looks like, it’s the Deer and Doe Lupin pattern). But not only that, this week I finished sewing a bra! Like, a nice one! And it fits!!! I’m freaking thrilled, and I am going to make two more of the same pattern out of my leftover fabric to practice. Guys. Bra sewing is weirdly satisfying. My wrist is also finally starting to hurt less now that I have some wrist support for my keyboard and mouse pad at work, so I’m going to try to get started on some fun embroidery projects I’ve had on the backburner.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      You sewed a bra??!! That is amazing!! What kind of sewing machine do you have?
      I dream about sewing my own clothes. It will have to wait until its turn on my list. Right now I’m hand-sewing a fleece scarf as a gift. I’m hoping to finish by the end of this month and mail it to the recipient in time for a few wearings before the cold weather recedes.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        I have a Spiegle 60609, and I love it! It’s been a great starter machine. Dude, I highly recommend garment sewing as a hobby. I’ve been sewing for about a year and a half, and I am still really surprised by just how much I have been able to improve. Bra sewing really isn’t hard, it turns out, just a little fiddly in a few spots so you have to really slow down (but it’s still a really fast project). The hardest thing is sourcing material, buuuuuut now there’s all sorts of great places to get supplies or even kits with everything you need. Truly, the internet is magic.

        1. Reba*

          Yeah, I’m enjoying getting more into sewing! I have a few projects cooking right now. I’ve always altered my clothes and I used to use sewing and embroidery in art projects. But I’ve only been doing garments from scratch for about a year, and I am so proud of the things I’ve made. I started with tote bags and I’m now almost done with a skirt and top outfit, fully lined, with interesting darts and exposed zips! My challenge with sewing is to keep myself from trying to do lazy shortcuts. (Just do a muslin, it won’t kill you!)

          1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

            I love wearable muslins so much. I’ll use really fun (but cheap or upcycled) material.

    2. SaaSyPaaS*

      Hopefully I’ll finish a sweater today. I only started it over a year ago. It came along very fast, and I only needed to finish the second sleeve, but I misplaced the 2nd ball of yarn on which I had marked where to start knitting (self striping yarn, premarked so the sleeves matched). I put the project away until the yarn turned up. It was in the most ridiculous spot, in a small bag in the back of my closet. I have no clue how it got there, but I found it, and now I can finally finish!

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        That’s awesome! Yeah, I sometimes have to shelve stuff because supplies weirdly disappear. I typically blame gremlins.

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      I’m about to finish a lightweight tweed jacket today and then I’m going to piddle around making pattern weights and maybe making some samples to restart my sewjo (sewing mojo).

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        I love tweed! Whenever I need a sewjo boost I do a fun (fast) knit pattern. It sets my brain for the more involved stuff, for some reason.

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          I’ve just ordered a couple of lightweight knits to make sleeveless cowl-neck tops, my summer work wardrobe staple.

    4. HannahS*

      I need to hem a pair of (store-bought) pants today. I’m also slooooowly making the Smooth Sailing 1930s trousers from Wearing History, out of some old cotton curtains. By slowly making it, I mean that I’m at the stage of taping the pattern pieces together lol!

    5. CTT*

      Started a new cross-stitch yesterday! I got a pattern last year of Tennessee and decided to do every state I’ve lived in, but unfortunately the etsy store did not have anywhere else I lived, so I had to make my own Georgia pattern, which was WAY harder than I expected. But now that I’ve started I’m hoping it will be smooth sailing from here (…and then I’ll have to make a Virginia pattern)

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        I love cross-stitch! That’s a pretty fun project log, too. I mostly do some of the saucier patterns from Subversive Cross-stitch–they are VERY stress relieving, lol.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        Well, I am brand new to it and have only tried one pattern, which is the Lansdowne by Orange Lingerie. I *highly* recommend her stuff, though, her size range is excellent (make sure you read some of her blog entries and the instructions on how to size yourself in the pattern, your RTW size almost definitely will not match–go with whatever her measurement chart says no matter how weird and wrong it sounds). And her instructions were extremely thorough and non-confusing–always a plus! I also got a kit from Tailor Made (which was gooooorgeous) so I didn’t have to splash out too much on supplies or spend a lot of time tracking down new-to-me notions.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve been working on (don’t laugh) Christmas scarfs. After five for the Christmas box, I’m now working on one for me. :) they’re a quick knit, a pattern I have memorized, and look killer in a multicolored yarn, so I’m building up a stock for next Christmas rather than panicking at Halloween because I have six people I want to make scarfs for and eight weeks to do it.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        I am jealous. I always swear I am going to start working on Christmas gifts super early, and I never do.

    8. Catherine from Canada*

      Well done you! A jean jacket is a major project!
      I sew all my clothes and am starting today to finally make some decent biking gear for myself. I love Deer and Doe patterns, they are cute, modern and drafted really well.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        Thank you! I loooove it. What patterns are you going with for your biking gear? I’ve been eyeing some of Fehr Trade’s stuff, but I haven’t heard a lot about her stuff.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Plugging along at a baby blanket. Corner to corner crochet. It’s taking forever because by the end of a workday I can’t use my hands for fine detail.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        I feel that! I’ve had some wrist issues the past month or so that have waaaay slowed me down.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I’m making a little fabric thingy out of an old man’s tie to hold my new metal straws and sporks in my purse. But I just sewed the damn snaps on backward and I’m so disgusted with myself (and the stupid lack of good light in this stupid house) that I walked away from it. I’ll go back later and fix it. Or maybe I’ll wait until tomorrow.

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        Elizabeth, may I suggest an Ottlite? Get one of the clamp on ones, so you can put it where ever you work. Also, keep an eye on JoAnn’s crafts, I got a very expensive lamp for at least 60% off. It was an online only deal, but I did ship to store so I didn’t have to pay shipping. I LOVE my OttLite! I have one that has a big ol magnifyer for when I’m doing close work, or at night. <3

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I have one, but it’s still not bright enough/tall enough. I used to have a tall table lamp in my craft area that helped a lot, but it broke a couple of years ago.

          I saw an adjustable desk lamp in the Aldi flyer–it will be in stock next week. It looks like it adjusts up to a decent height, and it likely will be bright enough to illuminate the work table. It’s only $15. I think I can manage that.

      2. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        I have had to make a rule that I am no longer allowed to sew after 9:30pm. Every time I do, I do something REALLY DUMB. Like accidentally setting my jacket sleeve inside out. It happens every time, and I always get super mad at myself.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Hahaha this sounds like me.

          Dumbest thing ever–I was cutting out a skating dress one time, and I sat on the floor to lay it out on my foldaway cutting board. I hated working with stretch velvet so I was listening to a mystery show while doing it and not really paying attention. I’d pinned the pattern and picked up the scissors, leaned over, started cutting, and *POOF* no more show. Oh no! Did my battery die?

          Nope, I’d cut right through my headphone cord. +_+

          1. catonlap*

            oh no!
            and yet, kinda hilarious. I hope you enjoyed skating in your dress. My daughter skated for a couple of years and I *loved* making her skating dresses.

        2. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

          Until I learned the shortcut way of sewing in sleeves, I always, ALWAYS, without fail, would set one in upside down on every single damned sleeved item I ever made.

    11. Llellayena*

      I fabric shopped yesterday for a baby quilt that I’m starting to piece today. I found an awesome fabric with tigers, monkeys and giraffes on it. The colors will be navy blue, orange-yellow, spring green and muted purple. This is going to be fun!

    12. Marion Ravenwood*

      That jacket sounds amazing! And I’m very impressed that you sewed a bra :)

      Most of my projects lately have been repair work, but I’m going to start working on a few new things this weekend. I recently signed up to a fabric club subscription and am trying to make any new clothes this year rather than buying them, so have been out to get a few bits and am going to make a skirt and cushion cover – nothing fancy, but a couple of small projects to ease myself back in.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        I love making skirts. They’re always cute and always satisfying. How are you liking your fabric subscription? I’ve eyed a few of them, but haven’t taken the plunge on one yet.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          So far it’s great! I find fabric shopping a bit overwhelming sometimes, so having that part of the equation taken away is a big help. And all the stuff they’ve sent me so far has been lovely – all cottons, as that’s the subscription I have, but the skirt I’m making in particular is a really beautiful print (swans in flight on a navy background). The subscription I have also comes with recommendations for what to make with the fabric they send you (although you do have to buy the patterns separately), which again is good for me as I’m still a relative beginner and often struggle to know what to do with fabric when I eventually buy it. *side-eyes the lovely Eiffel Tower print cotton she bought two years(!) ago and still hasn’t used…*

    13. SAHM*

      I’m finally finishing a blanket I started when I was pregnant with my two year old, then I’m going to finish the hummingbird bird mobile I started when I was pregnant with my now 10 month old. I saw a YouTube video on how easy it is to make toddler/crib sheets so last week I picked up fabric at Joanne’s. My goal is to have all three of the projects finished by June. :-D we shall see.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        Hahahahaha, I have an unfinished dress from when I first started sewing that I keep meaning to pick up and finish off, and a Valentine shirt that has been in progress for two Valentine’s Days! :D

  52. Lynne879*

    Does anyone else have trouble concentrating while reading (specifically out of a book?)

    I don’t know if being on my phone & computer all the time is affecting this at all, but I’m trying to get back into reading books as a hobby, but I find I can only read out of a book for maybe 15 minutes before I bored and put it back down.

    It’s almost like I view reading books as a chore now instead of as a fun hobby. In high school, I read books but was more of a casual reader- it took me a while to finish a book, but I don’t find it as tedious as I do now. Does anyone else have this same experience?

    1. Nacho*

      I feel you. I basically can’t do longer books because of this, no matter how much I like them. Instead, I read short stories and fan-fiction, which are usually put out in an episodic format and designed to be read 1 chapter at a time. I can sit down, read a chapter or two, switch to something else for a while, come back later and read another few chapters, read a few 2000-3000 word short stories, then come back and continue the original thing I was reading.

      Another suggestion is audio books. I find it a lot easier to listen to a book than to read it word for word, probably because I don’t have to pay as much attention.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      When I have too much to do I can’t crawl into a book.
      I also can concentrate if I am tired or if the light is too low.

    3. Kathenus*

      Rarely I have too much in my head to read, but generally if that happens it’s the wrong book for that time. So maybe having different reading options – fiction/nonfiction/blog/fanfiction/magazines as options so that if one content doesn’t engage you there are others to try? I definitely found this with audiobooks, which I love on long trips. But if I’m not fully into it within 10-15 minutes I stop because it’s doing the exact opposite of what I need when driving, which is to keep me engaged and attentive.

    4. Scribbles*

      I had this issue. I read one or two books a week (mostly borrowed from the library) up until college, then didn’t get to do much pleasure reading during college but bought a ton of books to read later on. Post-college, I tried to read the books I’d bought, but I found it hard to get into them and it would take weeks or months to finish one. Started going to the library again last year, and I’m finishing a book almost every week now.

      I think my problems were that the books I’d bought in college were “stale” since they’d been sitting on my shelf for a few years, and I was forcing myself to read (and finish) them since I’d spent money on them. When I started getting books from the library again, I was getting books I was excited about in that moment, and if it turned out I didn’t like them I didn’t have any money invested in them and could just return them without guilt and move on to the next book. (I’m still trying to go through the books I’d bought, though I read one for every three library books I get.)

    5. Lilysparrow*

      This changed for me after having kids. I don’t know if it is ingrained mommy brain, or permanent damage from years of sleep deprivation, or the rise of smartphones that overlapped this stage in my life.

      I can still get immersed in a book from time to time, but it has to be a *really* good book.

      If I’ve been very tired or sleeping badly it’s worse. Sometimes I can ease back into books by picking up a magazine like Smithsonian or Popular Mechanics – not total fluff, but short enough sections that I can enjoy something in 10-15 minute chunks.

    6. Epsilon Delta*

      Yes! So much. I think it is a combination of training myself to read by skimming (eg Facebook) and not having a comfortable and quiet place to read. When my husband is watching a fight scene in a movie it’s hard to focus on what is happening in a book, but it’s easier to read the comments on this site because it only takes a few seconds to understand each one and I can start/stop easily.

      The thing that has helped me get back into reading is to stop buying books and start borrowing them from the library. That way there is a specific deadline. It’s still harder than it used to be though. I can’t read for hours on end like I used to, even if there are no distractions.

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      Sometimes. I find that’s the case if it’s taking me a while to get into a book. That’s when things like Silent Book Club come in handy – essentially meet at a cafe, people introduce themselves and talk about what they’re reading, then you sit together and read in silence for an hour. It’s actually really enjoyable, and I find that it really helps me focus on the book rather than getting distracted by my phone or laptop. If that appeals but there isn’t a chapter near you, could you recreate it by putting your phone/computer in another room, setting a timer (not necessarily for an hour) and seeing if that works for you?

  53. BRR*

    I’m traveling to Greece (!!!!) at the end of the month and have two questions:
    -I know that you can’t flush toilet paper. I’m a bit sensitive to sights and smells of, lets say bathroom stuff. Any tips on how to get through this (a large part of this is the hotel room bathroom)?
    -Niche question but I’m having trouble finding anything online. I’m going to be there over Greek Independence Day, March 25th. It looks like a lot of stuff is closed. It looks like there is a parade but any other tips to do?

    1. Brit Abroad*

      We took a pack of scented nappy sacks (cheap enough from the supermarket here) with us, and just put the used paper directly into one of the sacks and tied it up before putting it into the wate non in the hotel bathroom. No smell, and nothing to see. It worked really well. I imagine there are scented diaper bags available in the US?

    2. Afflicted by IBS*

      *crosses Greece off place to visit* I had no idea this was a thing! Is it particular to Greece or is it common in other European countries?

      3. AcademiaNut*

        It’s common in countries where the plumbing isn’t up to flushed tissues – it’s standard in Taiwan, for example, particularly in older buildings. You get used to it. For the hotel bathroom, the scented diaper bags, or even plastic sandwich bats with a ziploc seal, would work fine. For public washrooms, a little vicks under the nose or strong mints can help if you’re sensitive to public washrooms.

        1. Texan In Exile*

          This. In South America, as well. Lots of very old buildings with old plumbing systems. Older buildings require a little more TLC than new ones. It’s really not that big a deal. The bin is usually covered and it’s not that stinky.

      4. Bagpuss*

        Its not common in most western european countries but it is in Greece, Turkey, etc.
        You get used to it fairly quickly – use bags and empty the bin frequently and there’s very little smell.

      5. rear mech*

        ummm, its a thing in the rural USA where there’s little new construction and the buildings/plumbing are old…
        it’s also a thing in the rural USA for buildings where the septic tank isn’t large enough for the number of people occupying and pooing in the building

    3. aa*

      You can’t flush straight away on the Greek islands in the summer (because of water scarcity). I stayed in hotel in Athens in August, though, and there were no restrictions. It depends on where you are going and the type of accommodation you are staying in.

    4. Courageous cat*

      What blows my mind about the tp thing is how anyone actually *remembers* not to flush it. It’s so deeply ingrained, such muscle memory, such autopilot for me… I can’t imagine.

      1. rear mech*

        In the rural southwest united states, where this is also common, there are signs reminding you on the bathroom stall door

  54. Red Sky*

    I’m looking to purchase a new food processor and have been looking at reviews online but was hoping to get some AAM insight. I’ll probably used it once a week for things like salsa, prepping veggies for slaw, hummus type dips, dressing/sauces etc. I’m looking to spend $50-ish but am willing to go up to $100 if it makes a big difference in quality and ease of use. I’m thinking about the Hamilton Beach Stack & Snap $49.99, but was wondering if I’d be making a mistake not sticking to a better (more expensive) brand like Cuisinart or Kitchen Aid?

    Any advice, suggestions or things to look out for greatly appreciated!

    1. Parenthetically*

      I’ve had and abused my Cuisinart for almost 15 years and it shows no signs of slowing down. My Hamilton Beach blender, on the other hand, died an ugly, melty death after about 3 years. For what it’s worth. :)

    2. Alice*

      I just happened Ed to be looking at an old Cook’s Illustrated magazine. They do very good tests. As of 2016, they highly recommended the Cuisinart Custom 14 (but the didn’t like other Cuisinarts as much). But, who knows what has changed since then…. PS, they really dislikes the Hamilton Beach and KitchenAid models.

    3. CTT*

      There’s a Cuisinart 4-cup processor that’s ~$50 (depending on where you get it from) that I really love.

      1. Lilith*

        Love love love my cuisinart. I would not buy anything else! I had 2 cheaper ones before.

      2. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

        This sounds perfect for me, thanks for the heads up!

    4. Jenny F. Scientist*

      I’ve had a cuisinart for 16 years and it’s never broken once. I had a cheaper one before that and it died quickly. I have the simplest kind- three settings of on, off, and pulse- and I’d really recommend it because it has lasted so long and I have not been easy on it. Nuts, flours, thick pastes, sticky batters… it’s all been through that thing. The ‘classic’ one is about $100.

    5. Red Sky*

      It looks like I should splurge on a Cuisinart (which I think I probably subconsciously knew, just needed it reinforced) Thanks ya’ll!

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        I found one used – and a used set of extra blades… from someone’s declutter their kitchen kick. So I was able to get the slightly bigger one for the $50 (with a blade box and 4 extra discs).
        Just a thought. Especially if it was a gift to them, or an impulse purchase. I think mine was originally ~ 200+ at Williams sonoma (plus extras…) so I plan to gently care for it for the rest of my life. It had virtually no use before I got it.

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I love my Cuisinart 14 cup. It’s been great, no problems in the 5 years I’ve had it.

    7. Anona*

      We have a very basic Hamilton beach and it’s been great! Not many parts to clean, goes in the dishwasher well. We make hummus and pesto. So yummy!

  55. Lauren*

    I received a sweater from one of those subscription boxes. I love it, but it has elbow patches on it. At first I thought they sent me the wrong sweater from the man’s box. I feel embarrassed asking this, but do any women wear clothes with elbow patches on them?

    4. OyHiOh*

      I’ve been trying to find a women’s 1 button blazar with elbow patches for at least a year. Can’t find what I want. Wear all the elbow patches!

      Yes, some women’s brand do elbow patches. If it fits and is lovely, does it matter if it has a men’s label or women’s?

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        If you find a jacket you like without the patches, could you maybe take it to a tailor and see if they can add patches for you?

        (Or do a Homer Simpson and cut holes out of another garment. ‘ You’ve ruined a perfectly good jacket!’ ‘Wrong, Marge. TWO perfectly good jackets!’)

        1. OyHiOh*

          I’m positive I could just have patches added. Being a stubborn person, it’s kind of equivelent to the “someone is wrong on the internet” joke – I want to find the exact jacket of my dreams in fully realized form, lol. Even though I am a huge proponent of buying clothes I like and having them fitted to me.

    5. Reba*

      I mean, I think part of the point of it is that it is a “menswear” touch — but that is a longstanding trend in women’s clothes!

      1. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

        I always think of it as a very “English/British” look, though not necessarily gendered, as I think of genteel horsey people and fox hunts as much as I would say, a pipe smoking Oxford professor.

    6. curly sue*

      I definitely do – I’ve got a couple of soft wool tunic-type sweaters with suede elbow patches that I love.

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      Yes! I have a checked shirt with cord elbow patches that I love, and a jumper with old-school heart tattoo-style elbow patches. I haven’t seen the style around for a while (maybe it’s not trendy here these days), but I personally really like it.

  56. Nicole76*

    I’ve been on a huge decluttering kick lately and am loving seeing empty space in my closet and cabinets. It brings me a sense of calm when things are tidy and in order. I’ve also pulled out the old shampoo/conditioner hiding under my bathroom sink and am using it up before allowing myself to buy anything new. I’m not even sure why I stopped using it since I really like it and how my hair feels after using it. At this rate I’m probably set for at least a year when it comes to this stuff. The bonus is once it’s used up the area under my sink will feel more spacious because I don’t plan on buying so much at one time.

    I recently read a book where the author talks about the idea behind containers and how they should be used to limit the number of items we own instead of just buying more and more containers to organize our belongings. It really helped stopped me from buying a shelving unit for our spare bedroom to store my home decor items (my weakness) and instead declutter my hall closet and donate my unused decor to make space for the stuff I wanted to keep at the ready (mostly items that are more versatile than specific holiday decor).

    I am using that same concept for my holiday storage totes as well. For instance, I have one for spring/summer, one for Valentine’s Day, and one for St. Patricks Day/Easter and would like to keep it limited to that. So, if I spot something I really want, I am committed to donating older stuff so it never exceeds that one container limit.

    I really like this approach because it allows me to still buy items I really want (although I have become more discerning and try to keep the spending reasonable) without becoming overrun with stuff. I even did it on a smaller scale with Bath & Body Works wallflowers and handsoaps. I have a small box for that stuff and am limiting myself to only what can fit inside it. Not only does it keep the closet from overflowing, but saves me money too while still allowing myself that little joy I get from using a nicely scented handsoap.

    Oh, and I recently read Marie Kondo’s books and watched her special. It’s helped me part with sentimental items that I’ve been holding onto even though I derive no joy from having them around. Some of the stuff I’ve tried selling but haven’t had much luck on that front, so I might just donate it to get rid of it. As it stands now, I have three boxes ready to go, but I’d have more if I donated the items that aren’t selling. Or maybe use something other than Offer Up would work better?

    1. OyHiOh*

      Along similar lines, I have a rule that if I buy a new piece of clothes/shoes, I need to donate something. I’ve got limited space, I’m happy with the quantity of things to wear and how they all work together, so if I want the super cute new dress, I need to be willing to give something up.

      However, the fancy formal skirt my husband bought me a few years ago is **never** going away. I’m picky, so he didn’t buy clothing for me very often and this skirt he bought after I spent weeks debating it and looking it up online.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, I’ve got a one-in, one-out rule and it works for me! It’s important to have flexibility, but the simplicity of No more hangers, No new dress really helps me quell the buying impulse.

    3. Scribbles*

      I wish my mom understood what you said about how containers should be used to limit the number of items you own instead of just buying more and more containers to organize your belongings. She’s a semi-hoarder and is constantly buying more stuff, including stuff to organize her stuff. I currently live with her. She comments on how she wishes the rest of the house could look like my bedroom (which is organized and doesn’t have much clutter) and is constantly declaring “I just need to get organized!” When I point out that her problem is that she has too much stuff and will never be able to “organize” it all, she insists she just needs more drawers, shelves, boxes, etc.

      Can’t wait to move out.

      1. Nicole76*

        Yep, the author of the book fell into the same trap of feeling like she couldn’t organize no matter what she tried, and it was because she just had way too much stuff. I don’t blame you for wanting to move out ASAP.

        1. Scribbles*

          I just looked up her book and it’s at my local library! Maybe I’ll check it out for my mom. :D

  57. Beadbed Librarian*

    Rare commenter but I know there are some runners around here and I’m hoping for suggestions. I’m training for some triathlons this year and my bike and swim training is going decent but I can’t seem to get myself running.
    The weather is making is so I’m stuck inside to exercise so that might be part but what you you do to push yourself to go do it?

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I’ve found the best sustained running periods I’ve had have been when I’ve had running partners. Do you know anyone who also wants to run regularly?

      1. Beadbed Librarian*

        Not currently. I’m trying to work on that front but haven’t had success with it yet. Thanks for the suggestion I’ll keep trying to find a running partner.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Rats… my phone just ate a longer answer. It’s still too snowy here for me to get my bike out, and I have a new head cold so I’m not going to the lap swim session. I got plenty of snow blowing and snow shoveling exercise though! And later I’ll be playing some video games on the laptop set up on the exercise bike . It has a desk built-in. That’s the only way I’ve ever found myself consistently using indoor equipment.
      I do have an open-water swimming question for you though. Is there a website I can use to measure the distance across a bay? Where my mom grew up, it was a big thing for teens to swim to the nearby island. I never got to do it when I was a kid, and now that I’m swimming regularly as an adult I wonder if I could make it. But the best I can tell you is the ferry is nearly two miles … and that’s not the close points my mom & her friends used.

      1. Beadbed Librarian*

        So I’ve used google maps with the point to point feature to figure out a prettty good guesstimate on distances in the water. I don’t remember exactly how to use it but you could try that. Also a website like map my run if you turn off use roads/streets might work.

    3. Marion Ravenwood*

      What works for me is having things scheduled. It’s why I like parkrun and fitness classes; it happens at the same time, every single week, and if I don’t go to that particular session then that’s it for seven days. So I put them in my diary and then keep to it like any other appointment or meeting, unless something comes up suddenly and there’s no way I can go. I’m also trying to use this approach to schedule gym sessions when I can’t go to class, which is slightly less successful at the moment, but it’s definitely better for me to have something on my calendar and an alert on my phone effectively saying ‘go to the gym now!’. So is something like that a possibility – can you put something in your calendar that says ‘running session’ and then, when that time rolls around, take yourself to the gym and/or go on the treadmill? I know it’s not exactly the same but it’s better than nothing running-wise.

      1. Beadbed Librarian*

        I’m trying to do something similar i.e. I have the fact I need to do my running workout on x day but haven’t scheduled specific times. That’s a good idea thanks.

  58. Feral Academic*

    Anyone have advice for IUD-caused skin problems?

    I used to have fairly good, very low -maintenance skin, but two years ago I got diagnosed with endometriosis and the doctor strongly recommended and IUD. And it’s been hell. Constant migraines, weight gain, hair falling out, mood swings. And my skin has started breaking out! Somehow I could deal with all the rest of it but this feels like the last straw. Some weeks I’m getting 3-5 new pimples–big gross pus-filled ones–a day. All the skincare routines I’ve tried just seem to make things worse. And I’m unemployed, so I really can’t afford expensive treatments or endless experimentation. Does anyone have any advice?

      1. Old Biddy*

        If it’s not working well for you, please talk to your Dr about having it taken out and trying something else. In particular, the migraines are very concerning. I used to get occasional ocular migraines when I was on birth control pills. They were infrequent and I didn’t even know what they were until I had a bad one and went to the opthamologist. A few months later, I went for my gyn visit. I had a very observant gynocologist who noticed the medical record from the opthamologist visit. She mentioned that there was a correlation between migraines and hormonal birth control. I got a copper IUD and haven’t had any ocular migraines since then.

    2. Reba*

      I mean, it sounds like maybe the IUD is not working for you, that these side effects are not worth it. You’ve just traded endo pain for diverse other forms of pain. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this! In general the IUD is awesome, but it is not for everyone.

      Have you been seeing the same doc? Maybe it’s time to try to find someone who is really really experienced with BC and hormonal options. Planned Parenthood or another low cost option in your area?

      NOT medical advice, but if it were me I would want to get the IUD removed and give it a few months to see if some of this clears up. My understanding is that for endo it’s the hormones in the IUD you want, and there are many more pill formulas than IUD formulas. All hormonal BC options use progestin, but people get really different experiences with the different formulations! And there are other treatments outside of the birth control realm. Good luck!

      1. Feral Academic*

        Endo makes me more sensitive to hormones. The IUD has the least side effects of any hormonal bc I’ve tried, sadly enough. The pills are way worse.

        I may have to just get the IUD taken out, but I’m trying to avoid that because a) my endo pain is truly debilitating, b) I’m worried about endo lesions spreading to my bowels and bladder (they found a fair amount of it when they did the surgery), and c) I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get a new one put in if I have this one taken out and then end up needing one after all.

        1. Reba*

          Sorry, that sounds so frustrating.

          Regarding skin stuff, which I know was your actual question! Have you tried any diet changes? I know a lot of the food and acne advice is spurious, but a friend of mine gave up cheese (read: reduced dairy intake) and saw a huge difference in the state of her chin-jawline area.

          Also, the Cosrx patches, while not cheap, really work at shrinking zits.

          1. Feral Academic*

            I don’t think I could give up cheese or dairy entirely–I’m part of a household eating system that has enough trouble with our gluten free members, and also when I eliminate a class of food from my diet my old eating disorder gets triggered and I spiral. But I’ve started to try and reduce my dairy intake a bit, and I’ll keep it up and see if that helps. Thanks for the suggestion!

            Also I’ll probably get the IUD taken out. When I write out all the trouble it’s caused me I realize that I’ve been living with a lot of unpleasantness for a while now.

            1. Batgirl*

              I’ve found that organic jersey milk had much less hormonal effects on my skin fwiw.

            2. Epsilon Delta*

              I am going to have to steal the phrase “household eating system.” That is just, perfect.

              And, I hope you are able to find something that works for your body. I went through a few types of birth control before I found the one that meshed with my needs. Seeing several differeny doctors, one of who was an OBGYN, was ultimately what got me the right solution.

    3. Not All*

      Take out the IUD? Mine made my endometriosis infinitely worse….I stuck it out for a couple years and regret every single minute of it. Planned Parenthood will remove it for free if you’re unemployed and work with you to come up with a much better option. (Depo in my case; I had a lot of issues when I took depo decades ago, but apparently they changed the dosage on it since then & now it’s great for me)

      1. Feral Academic*

        Yeah, I think I needed to hear that. I’m going to make an appointment with my obgyn (she’s already said she’s willing to take it out). Thanks!

    4. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I’m in a similar position. Horrible endometriosis kept in check for years with the pill, but it’s just not working anymore. I’m not a good candidate for an IUD so my doctor is trying to talk me into depo. I’m not thrilled about the potential side effects of it, or the fact that you’re stuck with them for months before it’s out of your system.
      I’m trying to get her to let me try Orlissa, which is specifically for endo. It was only approved last year she’s hesitant because she doesn’t have experience with it. (But how will you get experience with it unless you prescribe it to someone?) Maybe that would be an option for you? Since it’s specifically for end pain, it should be less hit-or-miss than other treatments.

      1. Feral Academic*

        Yeah, I’m on Medicaid so it may take a while, but my doctor is pretty supportive of taking out the IUD if I want, and also of trying to get either get Medicaid approval for oralissa or helping me get on the company’s free or low-cost program of approval fails. I think what I needed to hear was that it’s okay to get the thing out and look for other options, so this was helpful!

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      Would it be worth trying Nexplanon since it’s a different progesterone, and if so, can Planned parenthood help you with that one?

    6. socentury*

      Do you have the hormonal or the copper IUD? I have the copper, which is hell in terms of heaviness of flow (sorry for the way TMI) and the first few days of cramps, but has no hormones in it. It hasn’t impacted skin or mood swings, as far as I can tell!

      1. Feral Academic*

        Hormonal. Copper doesn’t do anything for endo that I know of, and I’m not doing anything that makes pregnancy a risk.

  59. 14 years*

    I’m looking for recommendations for tv shows or even movies that are historical romances. I love the victorian era especially. I’m talking Pride & Prejudice, North &South, etc. any suggestions greatly appreciated.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Lark Rise to Candleford is great. Cranford, Little Dorrit, Grantchester maybe?

      Death Comes to Pemberley is a murder mystery sequel based on Pride & Prejudice characters.

    2. Hannah G*

      Poldark, the new Howard’s End miniseries (available on Amazon, I believe), Downton Abbey, Jane Eyre (both the 2011 movie and the earlier miniseries, my favorite is the one with Ruth Wilson), Bright Star, Love & Friendship, Brideshead Revisited (1981 miniseries), Belle, Far From the Madding Crowd (movie). Maybe maybe Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell miniseries or Wolf Hall miniseries, though neither are romances, really.

    6. eleanor rigby*

      Lost in Austen, maybe? A modern woman swapping places with Elizabeth Bennett.

      Not a romance (as such) but The Crimson Petal & The White is an excellent mini series set in the 1870’s.
      Fingersmith or Tipping the Velvet, based on Sarah Waters’ novels.

      The Forsyth Saga

    9. Middle School Teacher*

      Have you watched Victoria, on PBS? (I’m Canada and the states.) Not sure how historically accurate it is but it’s very entertaining.

    11. Clever Name*

      Bright Star (movie)
      Juana Inez (Netflix series- sort of a romance, but it’s really good. It’s about a Mexican nun during the Spanish colonial era)

  60. Anon Poster*

    TLDR: recently was diagnosed with anxiety and so many things make sense now.

    I’m in my late 30s and was diagnosed with depression in my teens and was on Prozac back then. After awhile I felt a lot better and it didn’t seem necessary anymore. Due to some recent major upheaval in my life where I felt really depressed, I started seeing a therapist and she thought I had depression with anxiety.

    I never considered that I had anxiety because I’d only ever see it play out with other people with things like panic attacks or being paranoid, and I never had those things. I thought my anxiety symptoms were just stress.

    After my diagnosis and now starting some medication, I did some reading about anxiety symptoms and so much of what I read explains SO MUCH about my life.

    Showing up to school as a kid and work as an adult every day and either doing the bare minimum or less wasn’t just about laziness or not “applying” myself.

    I stayed at jobs I hated for years because I was afraid of change and didn’t want to put myself through the stress and rejection of job searching.

    My being quick to anger at home and at work wasn’t just about my “Irish temper”.

    I both socially isolated myself and stayed friends with people who treated me poorly because I thought some support system was better than none at all.

    I have been single for literally years now and always told myself no one would want to be with me long term so I spent too much time trying to cultivate casual relationships with men who didn’t treat me well and were emotionally unavailable because I wanted companionship.

    I drank alcohol to calm down, forget about my problems, and to feel more comfortable in social situations. If I was going to have sexwith a man, I drank as much as I could beforehand because I was “nervous”.

    I would think about times I failed or embarrassed myself years ago and it would come back to me in flashes and I would feel overwhelmed with guilt and shame.

    I was comfortable going to a movie by myself and taking the bus by myself late at night but I would get apprehensive about going to social event with people I went to school with or worked with years ago.

    I would go shopping on a whim and feel guilty about spending too much even though I made decent money, have decent savings and no debt.

    When I would majorly screw up and get called out at work by my boss, I’d handle it by finding the closest coworker to confide in, and expect that person to listen to me and comfort me, which I knew wasn’t fair to my coworker, nor was it productive, but in the moment I felt like it was the only way to make me feel better.

    I’m sorry that this post is so long, I’ve just been having so many revelations over this anxiety diagnosis the last day or so that I wanted to put them out in a safe space.

    1. NewNameTemporarily*

      wonderful self awareness now…. now you know, and it does make sense. PS: I could have written many of these things. Just starting therapy (again) and we are grappling with the actual diagnoses. Congratulations on figuring this out – it is a victory.

    2. Parenthetically*

      This is SO MUCH like my journey with anxiety! How fantastic that you’ve seen the connection — it’s exciting to finally have something click into place regarding your mental health. All the good vibes as you start down this new path. :)

    3. Amber Rose*

      It’s a relief to know, after all. I always thought I was a lazy, cowardly person with a bad temper.

      Actually I was fighting anxiety. Anxiety is an insidious thing. Making connections is a solid first step.

    4. Feral Academic*

      Congratulations on your diagnosis! I had similar feelings when I got diagnosed with ADHD. Suddenly there was an explanation for my problems that wasn’t just laziness.

      1. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

        Same, but ADHD/Dyspraxia/Dyscalculia…
        suddenly my entire life made perfect sense.

    5. Sam Sepiol*

      Showing up to school as a kid and work as an adult every day and either doing the bare minimum or less wasn’t just about laziness or not “applying” myself.

      I stayed at jobs I hated for years because I was afraid of change and didn’t want to put myself through the stress and rejection of job searching.

      I’ve had my anxiety diagnosis for over a decade and yet it still didn’t occur to me until RIGHT NOW that these things are related.

      Thanks for posting this.

  61. Ask a Manager* Post author

    LoveSac Sactionals: Does anyone have one? Do you like it? Things you wish you knew before buying one?

    We’re thinking of buying one for our basement because we like that we can make it bigger or small, change the configuration, etc. but I know we’ll want to mostly set it up in the deep seating mode, and I’m wondering how much that limits you on configurations.

    1. Kathenus*

      Looking forward to hearing this as well. I looked into these and was scared off by the price, but if people really love them I might reconsider.

      1. Enough*

        Me, too. But I need something that will go down the staircase to the basement. So it needs to be small or in sections.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      the reviews online were pretty positive… apparently you “can” reconfigure, it just isn’t easy. I focused on reading the ones that were long-term users. Haven’t gotten one (I finally went modern and not comfy here) but when I move or turn the guest bedroom back into an auxiliary living area, this still has appeal.

    3. M*

      We have one- we bought it when my partner was pregnant and kept it in ‘movie lounger’ form for the first few months and we LOVED it. We have 4 bases and 5 sides. Now, we hate it. It is very hard to reconfigure, so our original idea that we would keep it in ‘sofa’ mode mostly but then switch it to queen bed mode when we had guests is a no go. More problematic for us now that the aforementioned pregnancy is 6 year old twins is the difficulty getting the covers on and off to wash. The machine-washable covers were a major reason for the purchase and while they do wash nicely when I can be bothered, the difficulty getting the covers off and on makes it a very rare affair. The biggest annoyance though is that if you do a sofa with an extra base to make an L, it is almost impossible to get the ‘foot’ in the right place to keep the L ottoman attached without a foot-mangling corner sticking out. We end up with the L part sliding away from the sofa all day- the gap ends up full of trash and toys EVERY SINGLE DAY. If you don’t have kids, that might not be as much of an issue. We haven’t gotten a new sofa because we figure the kids will destroy anything we have for a few more years so we will let them destroy this thing and then when they can be trusted to be human beings we will buy something we like.

      1. Kathenus*

        Thanks for all of this information, very useful! I have pets that are constantly on the couch and already have stuff that falls between the cushions. Sounds like this would be an issue with these, maybe even more, so good to know.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Well, we just bought one! Went to the store and tried them out and liked them in person more than I thought we might. I will report back if this turns out to have been a terrible mistake.

  62. Minerva McGonagall*

    What’s everyone baking this weekend?

    My husband’s birthday is this week and he LOVES Guinness, so I’m making a Guinness chocolate cake. I’m also making Irish potato candy, which is made with no potatoes but lots of coconut.

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Cinnamon rolls! Maybe some cookies if I get around to it. The last few weekends I’ve baked bread, so it’s a nice change to bake sweets.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Bread! I’m trying the Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day method again to see if it works for our lifestyle — last time I tried it I was single, worked full time, and lived by myself; I’m now married and work part-time from home and have a toddler. I may bake cookies as well, but the only cookie I really love in my heart is a snickerdoodle, and I think my husband is tired of them!

    3. Earthwalker*

      Oatmeal whole wheat bread. Just our everyday bread, but homemade bread always makes the house smell so nice.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I know it’s March, but I have all this canned pumpkin to get rid of so I was thinking of making some pumpkin bread. If I made a lot, I could freeze it.

    5. Old Biddy*

      I’m back on my sourdough kick so I’ll be baking a loaf later today. My husband wants to try making buffalo chicken nuggets too so we’ll be doing that (not really baking per se but we will use the oven ;-))

    6. Marion Ravenwood*

      Happy birthday Mr McGonagall!

      We had eggs to use up, so I made a tea loaf, plus some ginger biscuits for our work lunchboxes. This year we’re trying to cut down on waste (both food and packaging) and be more environmentally conscious, so I figured making biscuits for lunches rather than buying from the supermarket was the next logical step. Plus this way I know what’s gone into them.

  63. Parenthetically*

    HOW do you clean your house? As needed? On a schedule? Using a system you developed? Using someone else’s system? Do you keep it in your head? Write it down? Where? Do you clean the whole house at once? A little a day? By room? By task? I’m curious!

    1. cat socks*

      I do the dishes and clean the kitchen counters on a daily basis. I vaccuum the downstairs and clean the kitchen floor once a week.

      I try to vacuum upstairs once a week, but sometimes I skip a week.

      Bathrooms are cleaned on an as needed basis.

      I do my best to put things away immediately – like the mail and hanging jackets on the coat rack.

      It’s just the two of us and three cats, so not a lot of kids stuff to deal with.

      Oh and I recently went down the rabbit hole of watching cleaning videos on YouTube. I’m fascinated by how other people clean!

      1. Parenthetically*

        I am so interested in those YouTube cleaning videos too! I have a system but I am endlessly fascinated by how other people adult.

    2. Reba*

      As needed but whenever I do, I wish I had a schedule!

      Floors I do the whole place (it’s not large) but otherwise, room by room.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I just started with a schedule — or, rather, a “rhythm” since I’m the boss of it and it’s just a general plan. It’s going well so far, it just has really got me thinking about how other people do it!

        I’m the same — I vacuum the whole house at once since our vacuum cord is long enough that I can reach everything from the plug in the kitchen. But otherwise it’s room by room.

        1. Reba*

          I know folks who swear by the “10 minutes a day” thing and I think I would like to keep up that kind of level of tidiness. But I’m more likely to start something when it really needs it, and then do a whole chain of once-in-a-while chores (e.g. I’ve already got the rubber gloves on, why don’t I tackle the dishwasher trap too, and while I’m down there I’ll wipe the cabinet fronts…)

          1. Parenthetically*

            Yeah, I guess my fascination with this topic is that there are as many “right” ways to do it as there are personalities. Big marathon sessions once a quarter and smaller marathons weekly used to almost work for me when I was single and having a group of people in my home every week. After I got married, splitting the chores pretty evenly and doing them mostly on the weekends used to work for us when we were both working full-time. After our kid came along… it has taken a stupidly long time to re-evaluate and rework that system so the person who is home most of the time with a kid who can kinda help with chores a little (i.e. me) is the one doing most of the chores. Husband handles almost all kid duties after he gets home from work, I do almost all the cooking and cleaning (except for folding his clothes which he is very particular about and enjoys doing). It works for us and is absolutely a negotiated arrangement rather than a gendered one.

    3. Earthwalker*

      Before retirement, as needed, and we found every excuse for why it wasn’t needed quite yet. Since retirement, weekly, with one or two occasional chores each week (like window caulking, bath fan cleaning, and so on). We’ve downsized so it’s the whole house at once. I do keep a sort of schedule: cleaning day, grocery day, bill paying day, plus list of chores for each month, like annual freezer defrost and annual moving of big furniture for complete vacuuming. (I just read that I was supposed to be vacuuming under the bed every day. I am *so* not doing that.)

      1. Parenthetically*

        “one or two occasional chores each week”

        We just started doing this! One evening a week after our kid is in bed we tackle one of those fiddly little projects you just never seem to get around to. It’s been AWESOME for our general motivation to see that list shrinking (…and then growing; I’m forever adding to it).

      2. Roja*

        Ahahahaha every day? Yeah, right. Like that’s ever going to happen. Our bed is a real beast to move so I feel good doing it twice a year!

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I have a rough plan I’ve fudged together from Flylady, the old HabitHacker, and a little bit of Dana K. White.
      When life gets busy I’ll write down the daily & weekly chores again, then lose my lists and go back to winging it.
      If dithering, I run dishwasher, laundry, robovac …and usually that’s enough to get me going for a while.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Mmm, I need a list of “dithering” chores! There’s always something that needs doing.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Now if I could just get myself to dither into starting income tax paperwork LOL…

          1. Parenthetically*

            You and me both!! The pile is all there, I just have to fire up the stupid software and get to it already!

    5. Bob*

      Hah, I’ve just been thinking about this.

      The kitchen I do as needed because it seems to be the one room I feel must be clean and tidy. Although in reality, that means wiping down surfaces, doing dishes (usually) and wiping up any spills etc. I will sweep any crumbs when they get too annoying. I rarely mop though. And it usually takes a while before I wipe down other parts like windows etc.

      Bathroom also tends to be as needed. I like to clean little and often whenever I notice things. Toilet and sink are easiest. The tub usually goes a bit longer before a scrub.

      The rest of the house is…rarely! Its quite small and doesnt seem to get too dusty, so luckily thats not needed more than every few months. And I hate vacuuming so I also put that off for as long as possible. I’ll usually have a big clean every so often and that will be it.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I used to vacuum every couple of weeks, TOPS. Now I do it — get this — three times a week, sometimes four! Partly it’s because we switched to a bagless vac and I was HORRIFIED at how much was coming up out of the carpet. I have no idea why there’s so much crap in there still as often as I vacuum, but an active kid and a husband with an outdoor job are my guesses.

        2. Bob*

          Hah. I guess for me I’m sort of like, if I cant see it, it doesnt bother me. So the lovely beige carpet hides a multitude of sins, and if I’m not stepping on crumbs then as far as I’m concerned the carpet is clean!

          Plus I feel like trying to fight dust is a losing battle (it just always comes back!) so I guess it just doesnt bother me too much…

    6. Nicole76*

      Daily for dishes and the kitchen counter-tops and weekly for everything else.

      I work part-time mid week so I’m off Fri-Mon. Fridays I clean the first floor which includes the laundry room, kitchen, dining room, living room, and guest bathroom. I vacuum, mop, dust, and wipe down all the surfaces. I also do the bulk of our laundry at the same time. It typically takes me about four hours because I will randomly do a deep clean of something when it seems needed, such as cleaning out the refrigerator, or really getting behind the furniture with the vacuum attachment.

      On Mondays I tackle the upstairs which is three bedrooms and two bathrooms, one of which isn’t used often. Two of the bedrooms are spare ones which don’t see a ton of use either so it’s just vacuuming and cleaning the master bathroom. At the same time I wash all our towels and linens. That can take anywhere from an hour to two depending on how thorough I want to be. I find this system works best for our lifestyle, particularly because if we have guest on the weekend they stay downstairs which is nice and clean.

      The Friday clean can feel a bit brutal sometimes, but I can’t live in a messy house so I try to make it more fun by listening to my favorite podcasts while I clean. It makes a huge difference and I’ve come to actually enjoy it more than dread it.

      As for specifics – I use dawn dish soap mixed with water in a spray bottle for cleaning counters, appliances, and bathroom shower walls. For dusting furniture that isn’t real wood, I use a wet washcloth and towel to dry. For wood I’ll either use a duster or Pledge. I use vinegar mixed with water in a spray bottle on the floors (tile and laminate) because we have a dog and I’ve heard bad things about Swiffer Wet Jet and Mr. Clean products when it comes to pets. The vinegar works well on windows as well.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I’ve started doing the podcasts thing too. It’s amazing how quickly the tasks fly by when I’m engrossed — and having a busy task to do with my hands actually enables me to listen to the podcasts? I’m a very visual learner otherwise.

    7. Lady Jay*

      I wait until I can’t stand the dust/grime anymore and then do the whole thing in one fell swoop. :D

      (Caveat: I keep things fairly tidy on a day-to-day basis, so it’s not like I’m living in a pigsty or anything. Also I live in an apartment so it’s manageable to do everything at once.)

    8. Valancy Snaith*

      We each have chores that we divide up. My husband does all the floors, 3x a week. He does all the bathrooms weekly, on the weekends. I do the kitchen weekly, on the weekend. Dishes get done daily and counters wiped daily. We both contribute to keeping the place picked up daily. I do the “big” chores (washing the floors on my hands and knees, washing the walls, washing the windows) on a twice-yearly basis. My husband dusts weekly.

    9. Nacho*

      I do dishes once a week, laundry twice of month, and I vacuum the floors/clean the kitchen counters about once or twice a year a year.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I used to have a pretty strict schedule with certain tasks assigned to specific days.

      Now I do a lot less. But I do something with clothes or dishes every day that is because every day brings more dishes and clothes to wash.
      I do food shopping on the same day each week so that means eating through the refrigerator or freezing stuff that ended up being too much the day before I shop. I give the fridge a light clean each week (5 minutes or less).
      Kitchen and bathroom are my priorities, they get cleaned first.
      I do like to do the shorter tasks on work days. It feels like I have done something for me first and something for the employer second. And it’s pleasant to come home and see the kitchen table papers are cleared up or whatever. Longer tasks I save for days off, such as sorting clothes or heavy cleaning.

      1. Parenthetically*

        One of my favorite things is seeing an empty-ish fridge the day before our big grocery shop. So satisfying.

        I need to add fridge cleaning to the rotation for sure.

    11. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Dishes get done and counters wiped down at least every other day (or more if needed), I tell everyone to pick their stuff up and put it away on weekends, I dustbust the dog fur tumbleweeds every couple of days, and Miss Patti comes and deep-cleans the kitchen, bathrooms, living room and dining room every other Wednesday. God bless Miss Patti.

    12. My Brain is Exploding*

      This is a fun question! Yes, yes, yes…some things on a regular schedule, some not, some written down, some not. Ironing – once a week when there is something on TV I want to watch. Kitchen – daily. Clean out purse – once a week (put away receipts, etc.). Master bathroom – once a week (with a few things that are once a month, like mopping the floor), Generally the same day. Other bathrooms as needed. Now that there are just two of us and no pets, vacuum as needed. Laundry as needed and fold asap after laundry is done. Try to pick up and put things away every day. Dusting…my least favorite…maybe before we have company. Weird extra chores as needed (like cleaning the fridge – usually before vacation, a big holiday, or we have company coming, or cleaning the tops of the kitchen cabinets), and occasional bursts of cleaning if I’m in the mood (this rarely happens so I need to get at it when it does!). (FYI we do share chores.)

    13. Elizabeth West*

      —Dishes every night if I’m not too tired (I don’t have a dishwasher).
      —Laundry (clothes and change the sheets) once a week.
      —Whole house, once a week if I’m not battling anxiety over something or depression, and all at once. That includes dusting and vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, and mopping the linoleum in the kitchen/bathroom. I like to listen to podcasts or old-timey radio shows while cleaning because I hate it.
      —Stuff like curtains, blankets, etc. and the inside of my car gets cleaned twice a year.

      I try to straighten up throughout the week, so I can just whip through the house on Sunday. Getting rid of clutter has made it SO much easier–this house is tiny and it’s falling apart, so it never seems to get truly *clean*.

    14. Weegie*

      Kitchen and bathroom as needed, which means pretty much daily for the first and every few days for the second (can’t stand filthy kitchens or bathrooms).

      Vacuuming gets done whenever I have friends coming over. I don’t invite friends over very often :-)

      Dusting happens when I really can’t stand it any more.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I thought of this thread when putting dinner dishes away. The housework I do most easily are the parts I did as a child either because it was my chore or because someone doing it was having a good time with it. Many of us like cooking feasts & cakes because that’s what we saw as fun as kids. Me, I like washing windows & hanging laundry on the line & cleaning “the good china” after a party…and if I were feeling more like reminiscing, I could tell you all the stories why. They’re all from watching people do a chore hapoily. A hard bit of serendipity to teach.
      What’s your favorite chore (s)?

      1. Parenthetically*

        I loooooove hanging out washing! And I don’t mind washing dishes — my mom and I used to do that together and we had many wonderful chats over the years. I don’t enjoy making my bed, per se, but I absolutely ADORE and am constantly amazed by what a difference a made bed makes to how the room looks, so I make it religiously. Sometimes during my kid’s afternoon nap I’ll crawl into my bed and have a snooze myself, and I’ll re-make it when I get up!

      2. Bob*

        I like washing dishes because I’ll just put music on and dance away. Same with hanging up laundry (ideally when this actually means hanging it up on a line outside. Putting it on the rack in the living room just doesnt feel the same).

      3. Marion Ravenwood*

        Laundry! I love the whole process – sorting the clothes into what can be washed with what, light and dark colours etc, loading the machine, hanging it up (especially in summer when I can hang it outside!), and folding it and putting it away. I find it really therapeutic in a strange way. Same with clearing up after a big party – something about that just helps blow the cobwebs away somehow.

        Least favourite would have to be cleaning the bathroom.

    16. Lemonwhirl*

      We have a cleaner who comes once a week for floors, bathrooms, dusting, etc.

      Dishes are into the dishwasher at the end of each meal. The counters are cleaned several times a day because I can’t stand crumbs and we have a kid who seems to generates crumbs out of thin air. (World’s most useless superpower! :))

      I clear clutter off the kitchen table a couple of times a day because otherwise, you would not know there’s a table under there. (I spent about a week taking all my kid’s various books off the table and hiding them because I got sick of telling him to put stuff away when he was done with it. It took about a week for him to realise stuff was missing – now he’s a bit better about tidying stuff.)

      We have two big hairy dogs and a very powerful Dyson cordless vac, so vacuuming up the dog hair is a daily or sometimes more than that chore that my husband does because dog hair bothers him more than it bothers me.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I’m going to start sweeping as part of my daily rhythm, I think, for the same reason — I HATE crumbs.

    17. Marion Ravenwood*

      I tend to do what I call a ‘swish and swipe’ every evening between dinner and bed (wipe down kitchen/bathroom surfaces, throw out any rubbish, put things in the recycling, wash and dry dishes, general tidying up etc), plus 10-20 minutes cleaning in a particular room or area of the house. For the latter part, I follow the weekly Flylady posts on the MoneySavingExpert forum, so which room I do on which day varies from week to week.

      That helps stay on top of most things, then husband and I will do a deeper clean of the whole house at weekends, particularly if we’re expecting visitors or going on holiday in the next few days. Laundry gets done once or twice a week, bedding changed once a week, garden stuff as and when it’s needed, decluttering/sorting through clothes three or four times a year, and ‘smaller’ jobs that aren’t necessarily cleaning (like clearing out my purse) every couple of months.

      In terms of specific products, we’re trying to be more environmentally conscious this year, so moving towards more eco-friendly brands such as Ecover, plus things like spraying surfaces with antibacterial spray and wiping them down with a cloth rather than using wet wipes.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I do the same thing in the evening — I call it a “reset” a la Unf*ck Your Habitat, just resetting things to a basic tidiness so I’m not already stressed in the morning.

    18. ThatGirl*

      In the kitchen, I wipe down the table, counters, stove as needed. Dishwasher is run as it’s full, hand washing a couple times a week.
      Sunday is our chores day, so laundry, groceries and bathroom cleaning happen, and our Roomba runs in the evening. Wet swiffering as needed.

    19. Epsilon Delta*

      My routine is pretty simple.
      Daily: dishes, tidying the table, and putting clothes down the clothes chute or in the basket.
      Weekly: bathrooms, floors, and laundry.
      Monthly or biweekly: dusting and random cleaning that I realize needs to be done

    20. Roja*

      On a schedule, pretty strictly. Every Friday, I vacuum, clean the bathrooms, and tidy up. Kitchen’s done on an as needed basis, which is pretty much every day as we cook constantly. Then there’s a written down schedule for monthly, quarterly, and yearly chores that get checked off and dated when they’re completed. Mostly the monthly chores get done in a chunk (about two hours, one Saturday a month usually); quarterly and yearly chores get done in pieces as I can do them. I absolutely hate cleaning in pieces in terms of small stuff though, so I always, always do it all at once.

      We basically have a 3/1 upstairs “unit,” of which the downstairs kitchen is shared. One of the bedrooms is occupied by our teenaged exchange student; he does all the cleaning for his room, so it’s not much cleaning and doesn’t take me long to do.

  64. Britt*

    Is it possible to get gluten-free flour without xanthan gum/guar gum/binding agents? They hurt my stomach but I don’t know if it’s possible to get gluten free baked goods without a binding agent. Is there some other alternative that’s better on the stomach?

    1. Feral Academic*

      I have the same problem, (I’m not gf but my housemates are.) My housemate has had a lot of luck subbing agar powder (not flakes) dissolved in hot water for xanthan gum. I can’t remember the exact conversion but she’s still experimenting with it, and the amounts are roughly equivalent. She’s also used chia seeds soaked in hot water, which also work well but do add chia seed texture.

      I also recommend Alice Medrich’s Flavor Flours book, which is all gf, more than half gum-free (and the gum amounts are minimal and the chia and agar subs work well), and actually taste good on their own. Her carrot cake recipe can hold its own against gluten carrot cakes, and I say this as someone who generally is pretty unimpressed with gf foods.

    2. Gatomon*

      YES. King Arthur Flour has GF without the xanthum. I personally don’t use it because I can’t figure out xanthum and am lazy, but my mom likes it. I’ve seen it sold in stores so hopefully it is not too hard to find.

      Here are the ingredients from their all purpose flour from their website: Specialty Flour Blend (rice flour, tapioca starch), Potato Starch, Whole Grain Brown Rice Flour, Vitamin and Mineral Blend [calcium carbonate, niacinamide (vitamin B3), reduced iron, thiamin hydrochloride (vitamin B1), riboflavin (vitamin B2)].

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes health food stores have bulk bins and you can find all different kinds of flours. Some will even let you bring in your own containers (rules apply here). I like the bulk bins because I can get just what I will use for the moment and the pricing is a little less.

    4. L*

      very late, but just in case: Bob’s Red Mill Gluten-Free, both the All-Purpose Baking Flour and the Paleo Baking Flour

  65. HannahS*

    Has anyone here spent time in Hawaii? I have an opportunity next year to spend two weeks of school and two weeks of vacation anywhere I want, and given the weather here now, Hawaii seems very appealing. If I were to do it, I’d be spending two weeks of practicum in Honolulu, and have two weeks afterwards to do as I’d like. What did you like/not like, where would go/stay if you had more time? I’m not a surfer and I have no desire to learn, but I like agriculture, nature, and museums.
    Also, do you have other suggestions of a place that would fun and warm for a month in February? For the sake of my education, I need somewhere where English is the main spoken language. And as a Canadian, the US is as exotic a location as anywhere else lol!

    1. Dan*

      I’ve been to Hawaii, but it’s been several years, so my pointers won’t be too specific. Hawaii is going to have that ecotourism thing you want. It’s also going to be expensive. But if you’re already there for other reasons, you can probably manage.

      What took me awhile to really get used to is that in the southern hemisphere, seasons are the reverse from what they are in the northern hemisphere. Up here, cold months are Dec-Jan-Feb, and warm months are June-July-August. It’s backwards down there. It’s so, so odd spending Christmas in the southern hemisphere because you where shorts and it doesn’t snow. That, and you “head up north” and “down south” for cooler weather. It’s just so odd, at least IMHO has a resident of the northern hemisphere.

      So, South America, Australia, and Africa are going to be warm that time of year. Anything near the equator will be warm too — seasons in tropical countries like Thailand and Indonesia have more of a “wet/dry” bifurcation than the four seasons that are more typical further away.

    2. Book Lover*

      If price is a concern, Hawaii is very expensive, both for lodging and for food.

      If you want warm and English speaking, Arizona and parts of California are an option. It won’t be swimming weather, but very pleasant for hiking and so on.

      You do have to consider the type of medicine you are looking for – Honolulu versus Phoenix will be quite different, and again looking at California.

      1. Lilith*

        I was in Kona HI in March one year& it was plenty warm enough for snorkeling & swimming .
        Other side of U.S. but New Orleans is fun. 2 weeks would be too long tho.

          1. Book Lover*

            Although our idea of swimming weather in Arizona is when the pool feels like a warm bath.

    3. Rainy days*

      If you like museums, the Bishop Museum in Honolulu is amazing! There’s also some very nice hiking on Oahu. However, I agree with others that two weeks is a long time to stay just on Oahu–however, if you have the money to take trips to the other Hawaiian Islands, you can do really interesting tea/coffee farm tours and also see some amazing natural areas.

    4. Parenthetically*

      I went to Hawaii in early March ages ago and loved it. Super pleasant weather and not many tourists.

      February is late summer in Australia — Melbourne’s gorgeous. Adelaide, Perth, and Brisbane are great cities but would be very hot, but that might be your thing. Hobart’s a bit more temperate, and so lovely as well.

      Hong Kong is good in February! And English is one of the official languages. I studied there in university and all my classes were taught in English.

    5. greenthumb*

      I’m from Oahu and would encourage you to split your time up between 2 (or more) islands. Depending on whether you will have the occasional free morning or afternoon during your practicum, spend either just those two weeks on Oahu, or maybe tack on 2-4 more days. Oahu is the most populated and as such has the most infrastructure — museums covering a number of specialties ranging from art (Honolulu Museum of Art) to history (Bishop Museum) to military history (US Army Museum in Waikiki, as well as the Arizona Memorial, Battleship Missouri, USS Bowfin sub museum and Aviation Museum on Ford Island). Most of the islands including Oahu also have cultural parks and botanical gardens.

      You could then spend a week or so depending on budget and interest on the Big Island, Kauai, and/or Maui. Lots of hikes to do on all the islands, but check out reputable sites like Na Ala Hele rather than the insta-famous places that are really too risky. Good swimming on all islands; to me the ocean is cold then, but no doubt it will be balmy for you. You can also scout out guided adventures — hikes on private land, horseback riding, kayak tours, even riding inflatables in freshwater irrigation flumes formerly used to supply water to the acres of thirsty sugarcane.

      Southwest is entering the interisland market, which will probably drive down interisland flight costs (yay!); in recent years tickets have gotten hugely expensive. And outside Oahu, unless you book adventure tours that include hotel pickup, you’re probably looking at renting a car for part of your stay. Oddly, rental car costs can be lower per day than hotel parking.

      Hope this helps a little.

        1. greenthumb*

          You’re very welcome! If you’ll be doing your practicum at the University of Hawaii, you may be able to tie your Oahu work to things on the Neighbor Islands, depending on your focus and perhaps also on your interests. This could give you a logical segue from one island to another.

          For example, for astronomy there’s of course a strong tie to the Big Island and the domestic and international telescopes atop Mauna Kea. Horticulture/ agriculture. UH College of Tropical Ag and Human Resources is robust and there are of course a number of excellent botanical gardens. (A lot of this ties in with native, endemic, endangered plant and animal species, in part because of our historic remoteness.)

          As others are cautioning, if you do pick Hawaii, Februaey/March are popular with visitors, so booking ahead is prudent. A lot of the operators have good online portals, though, which will help. You may want to look for ones who belong to the state or county visitors bureaus (Hawaii Visitors and Convention Bureau, Oahu Visitors Bureau, Kauai Visitors Bureau, Hawaii Island Visitors Bureau etc.) … some also will belong to the Hawaii Ecotourism Association.

          If you’ve got more questions, I’ll try to pop back here tomorrow or look for you in next week’s thread. Aloha.

    6. ..Kat..*

      I recommend San Diego, California as a cheaper destination for a Canadian! Not that I don’t love Hawaii, but shorter flight! Lots of fun things to do in a San Diego (or La Jolla, or other Southern California coastal cities). Granted, Southern California is not as warm as Hawaii, but for a Canadian, it should be warm enough.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh good point! Yeah, it’s been -30 here which is pretty unusual and pretty unpleasant, so anything sunny would be delightful!

    7. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Make sure that you get your reservations for any island adventures early! When we went to Kauai we wanted to do the inner tube run (its on an old logging run) and the reservations were 2 months out! We also missed out on going to a luai, which was disappointing – and quite surprising!

  66. Circle84*

    An online dating question!

    I started chatting to a guy on tinder when I was on a trip to another country and through poor scheduling at his job we didn’t actually get to meet in person. We kept chatting once I got home and got on really well and here we are about 3 months later and he’s booked flights to come visit me (he planned it all without mentioning it to me). I was surprised and pleased but also a tiny bit weirded out that he just booked a vacation to come to my country to see me without sort of asking me if that makes sense?

    Anyway since he booked the flights he’s become increasingly distant with me, much less contact than usual, not answering when I ask a question etc and the whole thing is just starting to get strange. I’ve talked to him about it but he denies it (for context I know these things crash and burn and I wouldn’t think any less of him if he just said he wasn’t interested in me anymore) and I feel less and less like meeting up with him when he gets here but at the same time I feel obligated to because the trip was to see me. Am I the worst person in the world if I tell him I don’t want to see him or should I show up and smile and pray for it to be over?

    1. Dan*

      If he didn’t run the travel by you, you don’t have an obligation to accommodate it. There are risks with anything in life, particularly when it comes to money and romance. In the early phase of a long distance relationship, that’s the risk — at some point, travel will be booked, and the relationship may fail before the travel is completed. Who takes that risk now? Clearly he does, because you had no say in it. You aren’t responsible for how he spends his money.

      BTW, if it’s not clear, break it off now and let the costs get eaten. People love to debate “timing” of a breakup (e.g., before/after the holidays, some vacation, whatever) but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a situation where prolonging the misery was ever the appropriate thing to do.

    2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      Definitely don’t feel bad about telling him you don’t want to see him- scheduling a surprise trip to visit someone you’ve only known a short time is a red flag to me.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Hell yes. I would be really weirded out by that unless we’d already met in person and had been talking a lot.

        1. valentine*

          It’s creepy. Tell him the visit’s off and go on with your life guiltlessly. (I would also cut off contact.)

    3. just a random teacher*

      I would find it deeply weird if someone booked international travel to come see me without involving me in those plans first. (Well, unless “international travel” meant something more like “impulse day trip to nearby city” due to how close the countries in question were, which doesn’t seem to me the case here if flights are involved.)

      Perhaps you have unfortunately developed a scheduling difficulty of your own and won’t be able to meet up after all.

    4. LilySparrow*

      If you don’t want to see him, the best thing to do is tell him as soon as possible. You have zero obligation here.

      Even if you’d invited him, it would be awkward but you’d 100% have the right to change your mind.

    5. Parenthetically*

      These are HUGE red flags. When I was dating my now-husband, we spent weeks discussing his travel plans for his first visit to see me. The idea of someone just booking tickets after talking to a stranger online for three months without telling them deeply unsettles me. Heck, a guy once drove two hours to see me without telling me and it creeped me out — it made me feel obligated to paint our relationship as more serious than it was, and pressured to respond with surprise and delight when what I really wanted was for him to go away. Big romantic gestures make for good movie plotlines and terrible real-life scenarios.

      “I’ve been thinking more and more about it, and I feel this trip was extremely hasty given how casual and brief our relationship has been to this point. I also feel uncomfortable that you didn’t seem to think it was important to consult me before making a decision that would affect me. Since telling me about it, you’ve also gotten more distant, going from daily messages to twice a week at most, not answering my questions, etc. It seems to me the best thing to do would be if we didn’t see each other while you’re in Genovia, and go our separate ways. I hope you enjoy it here, or can get refunds if you choose not to take the trip. I wish you the best.”

      1. Circle84*

        I’m not ;) He didn’t ask and I didn’t offer – though there were some awkward silences when I ran through some hotel recommendations…

        1. Jen in Oregon*

          This. This right here is the key to his current behavior. He expected you to be super excited/thrilled/grateful that he’s deemed to make these surprise plans to visit you, and his expected response was for you to offer to have him stay at your place. The fact that you did not means that this trip is going to be more expensive AND he’s not even sure he is going to get any sex out of it, so he is probably highly irritated, if not outright mas about it. But of course, he knows that he actually doesn’t have ANY RIGHT to be mad about anything, so he can’t articulate this, hence the pouting.

          2. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

            I think you may have hit the nail on the head here.

    7. anonymiss*

      It is a bit weird AND it kind of has happened to me!

      I chatted to a guy last year who I matched with and it turned out he was from America and travelling in Norway. Which is STILL odd because I live in the UK and my settings are not that far! Anyway, whatever, we chatted even after he went home and I had no idea why, because it was way too long distance, but at some point he told me he was coming to meet me and booked flights. He definitely expected to stay with me and I definitely said um, no thank you. He ended up bringing his friend and they got an Airbnb. He decided for some reason to come on a Wed-Fri and leave on a Saturday morning even though I had told him repeatedly that I work Monday to Friday and so when are we seeing each other? I ended up having to meet with him after work for those three days and I felt really like I had to because hey, he’d come all that way!

      And you know it was fine and we got on fine and I even thought aww maybe it’s going to work out! But after he went home he got mean on text and he seemed to think he had done the nicest thing in the world for me by visiting and that I needed to constantly appreciate this (instead of asking why he came on the days I couldn’t see him, for example) and complained about having to get accommodation and spend money. And he was pissed that I hadn’t taken those days off work to hang out with him. But I’d just got back from Spain and couldn’t take time off work (which I’d also told him before he came). He’d decided all this without asking me! I got so annoyed. We no longer talk.

      I’m not saying this guy is that guy but just the obligation part is the worst, so don’t feel that you have to do anything you don’t want to do. He’s made this decision himself, he can follow through. I’d probably be curious to see what he was like, but I’d be satisfying my curiosity in a very public place and for a short time. Keep yourself safe and don’t feel guilty. You aren’t in any way the worst person!

    8. coffee cup*

      It is a bit weird AND it kind of has happened to me!

      I chatted to a guy last year who I matched with and it turned out he was from America and travelling in Norway. Which is STILL odd because I live in the UK and my settings are not that far! Anyway, whatever, we chatted even after he went home and I had no idea why, because it was way too long distance, but at some point he told me he was coming to meet me and booked flights. He definitely expected to stay with me and I definitely said um, no thank you. He ended up bringing his friend and they got an Airbnb. He decided for some reason to come on a Wed-Fri and leave on a Saturday morning even though I had told him repeatedly that I work Monday to Friday and so when are we seeing each other? I ended up having to meet with him after work for those three days and I felt really like I had to because hey, he’d come all that way!

      And you know it was fine and we got on fine and I even thought aww maybe it’s going to work out! But after he went home he got mean on text and he seemed to think he had done the nicest thing in the world for me by visiting and that I needed to constantly appreciate this (instead of asking why he came on the days I couldn’t see him, for example) and complained about having to get accommodation and spend money. And he was pissed that I hadn’t taken those days off work to hang out with him. But I’d just got back from Spain and couldn’t take time off work (which I’d also told him before he came). He’d decided all this without asking me! I got so annoyed. We no longer talk.

      I’m not saying this guy is that guy but just the obligation part is the worst, so don’t feel that you have to do anything you don’t want to do. He’s made this decision himself, he can follow through. I’d probably be curious to see what he was like, but I’d be satisfying my curiosity in a very public place and for a short time. Keep yourself safe and don’t feel guilty. You aren’t in any way the worst person!

    9. foolofgrace*

      I hope he doesn’t have your address and just shows up at your door even if you’ve told him the visit is off.

    10. Wishing You Well*

      Tell him now you can’t see him. That would be kind on your part.
      If he’s scheduling flights without telling you, maybe the flights are for some other (real) reason. You don’t know this guy.
      Sorry.

  67. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

    Any Rennies on here? It’s getting closer to Southern and I’m SO looking forward to it! The last few years I’ve only been able to do the bare minimum – no street improve, or shows and I only walked around twice, I think. I don’t think I made it to even 1 show. I’m really looking forward to being healthy at faire. <3
    I'm going to start my sewing, hopefully, next week. I've needed a new bodice for a good 3-4 years and had to borrow the last 2 because mine just died and I had no energy to sew one. I also have fabric for 4 skirts and I want to make my daughter and I new chemises.

    1. Llellayena*

      I’m a Rennie with friends who work the faire! I’m a bit more casual though, bought my outfit at faire and I go once a year or so because distance and all my friends are working faire so there’s no one to walk around with me! I do look forward to it every year.

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        Maybe join one of the faire fb groups? I know that I’ve seen postings from people looking for a ride and/or someone to hang with. And the PubCrawls are a lot of fun, with a big group. I would go to a really early one (because alcohol),make sure that you eat breakfast and drink water and/or Gatorade between drinks. Pub Crawls are fun, but you have to be smart about them!

        1. Llellayena*

          Except I’m not on fb and I don’t drink enough for pub crawls, very much not my scene. I go for the company and the crafts. :)

  68. Amber Rose*

    I am struggling with getting what I need from a system that seems to not want to help.

    I was on a birth control. When I refused to endure a physical exam, the doctor refused to allow me to continue it because increased odds of cancer or whatever. He insisted I go on the shot instead.

    But I can’t do that myself! I have to give up my entire evening hoping to get into the walk in clinic. The one pharmacy only does it Monday to Friday 10-4, which is useless. The other one won’t do it unless I got the stupid thing directly from them. I guess in case I bought it on Amazon? Give me a f***ing break. And I finally found a place in a grocery store who is willing but like… grocery store. No privacy. And asking about it got me confused stares and reluctant “well, fill out this form I guess.”

    Everything about this hits every one of my anxiety triggers. Being judged. Lack of privacy. Asking strangers for help they don’t want to give. Feeling like an annoyance. Pain.

    And I’m so FURIOUS, but that’s the anxiety, but also things were fine on the other stuff for the last 15 years so what the actual hell.

    I hate this shit and I don’t know how to make it better. Enduring the physical is not an option. I cannot be touched. Unless sedatives are an option which they aren’t.

    I just wish every health related thing didn’t make me feel like trash.

    1. PX*

      Are you in the UK or am I making that up? If yes (or even if you are in the US), I might suggest going to a sexual health clinic to discus birth control. I’ve been easily able to do that rather than going to my GP.

      Either way, I would say can you find a different doctor? This one sounds….not great. Insisting you go on a specific type of birth control sounds odd to me. My (female!) doctors have always framed it in terms of a choice of what works best for me and given me options and explained clearly to me what the pros/cons of each might be. Pushing you to a specific type is just…bad in my opinion.

      And if all else fails, can you do some research online and see what alternative options are out there for you? And also, is the medical science behind why he is refusing you a specific type valid? I say this because research and time mean that things which were once considered ‘normal’ and obvious as far as treatment go can change over time without doctors being aware of it unless they keep up with new research.

      1. Amber Rose*

        Canada actually. :)

        The science is that extra estrogen increases your odds of cervical cancer as opposed to stuff like the shot which only uses the other stuff (progestin?). Since I refuse a pap smear, he wants to lower my chances of cancer. And the pill is no good, I have too many side effects.

        So I get his concern. And I’ve been through so many doctors and they’re so hard to find. I don’t wanna do it again. But I feel like this should be my choice. And while I don’t hate the shot, I hate how hard it is to find someone to administer it. It really stresses me out.

        1. TL -*

          Part of your doctor’s job is risk assessment and evaluation. Things don’t become ethically okay with him just because his patients are okay with it – in fact, as a doctor, it’s his job to make the call as to which treatment options are appropriate for the patient.

          It is your right to opt out of any treatment/exams you need or want to, but it’s not your choice to opt in to any treatment. If you ended up with late-stage cervical cancer, he would be the one who signed the prescription.

          1. valentine*

            Of course it’s her choice to opt in.

            Amber Rose, I don’t know how the NHS works. Are female doctors any more useful? Can you sit down with someone and tell them you need to be exempt from or sedated for exams? Do you have a GP who can help? (Just realized maybe that’s who this is. I was imagining an OB/GYN.)

        2. PX*

          So for what its worth, your other option then is the implant. I would have suggested an IUD as thats the other more common form of birth control that is low estrogen, but if pap smears are the issue and inserting an IUD/IUS is very similar, why not ask for the implant. Stick it in your arm and you are good to go for 3 years. (Although a quick google didnt show it as an option when I searched so maybe they dont have it in Canada?). There is also a progestin only pill – is that the same as the one that previously gave you side effects?

          Again, as someone who has had to go through a bit of faff with BC, I’m very big on sexual health clinics if they have them wherever you are in Canada. The people are often much more understanding. Where I am in the UK, you can make an appointment to see them (although the waiting times can be a few weeks) or as you say, queue for a walk in spot. Often they are much more willing to accommodate any special needs you may have. So while I understand not wanting to find a different doctor as thats a hassle, I would strongly encourage you to see if there are other options rather than this singular one he has offered…

    2. Not A Manager*

      Just a question – you say sedatives are not an option. Are you talking sedatives at the level of valium or Ativan? Because even a fairly whopping dose of something like that isn’t THAT unusual. They might require that you have someone available to take you home afterward, though.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        That’s what I was wondering. I’m alittle claustrophobic so they gave me Xanax when I needed an MRI.

      2. Lilysparrow*

        Yes, I have friends who need a Valium before a gyn exam. And some who need it before seeing the dentist. It’s not an unusual accommodation at all, those things can be very upsetting for a variety of reasons.

      3. Amber Rose*

        Wouldn’t be strong enough. If I’m not unconscious I’m going to have a bad time, and so is everyone around me.

        I’ve had Ativan before and it didn’t seem to do anything at all.

        1. fposte*

          There probably is a dose that would work but they likely won’t give that much to you as a one-off for a doctor’s appointment.

          I think you’re touching on general on a current conflict in medical care. I get that health care personnel aren’t just vending machines where you put a request in and you get a prescription or surgery out, and I get that neither in Canada nor in the U.S. are resources unlimited. But currently we’re framed strongly as health care consumers, who are supposed to be knowledgeable and self-advocating, and we sign “informed” consent waivers for surgery where we’re consenting to some pretty high risks that as lay people we probably don’t have any reasonable understanding of. It’s kind of annoying that that’s an option that disappears when it comes to something like this, where we actually do have a pretty good idea of the risks we run.

          1. LilySparrow*

            And sometimes it’s not about the patient’s risk but the providers. The “rules” often aren’t set by the provider but by the providers’ malpractice insurance. I expect a doctor who relied on their own discretion and a DIY waiver to prescribe without an exam would soon lose coverage and be unable to stay in practice.

          2. TL -*

            But even the surgeries you consent to are ones that are reasonable treatments for the conditions offered. Doctors refuse to perform treatments and surgeries all the time that are deemed too risky, or they just won’t present them as a treatment option. It’s the ones that are reasonable options that they get informed consent on; you’re not consenting that this was your preferred treatment, just that you know the risks and you’re okay with them.

          3. Amber Rose*

            I wish they would understand that I, as a consumer of health care, am not just like a laptop that you can run any kind of diagnostic on, and that I’m not being a problem child when I point out that I’m uncomfortable with being treated like one.

            I understand that pap smears are a valuable tool that can catch cancer early. I also understand that when I’m panicking I become violent, throw up and then cry for three days, and it’s not a conscious choice to be that way. I further understand enough math that if you tell me my risk of cancer goes up 20%, but my risk was only 0.00001% to start with, you’re just fear mongering to try and make me give in. And that kind of manipulation is bullshit and immediately makes me lose trust and respect.

            1. TL -*

              It’s not fear mongering, it’s that you’re asking your doctor to raise your risk of cervical cancer while also taking away his only (but extremely effective) method of catching it early. Cervical cancer caught early is very treatable; cervical cancer caught late is not. Without a pap smear, it usually isn’t caught until it spreads.
              And since hormonal birth control can be accomplished without the increase in cancer risk, that’s the treatment option that he presented. It’s not manipulation, it’s a nuanced view of risk/reward that he is required ethically (and legally) to provide, including not offering treatments he is not comfortable with.
              That being said, I hope he has a kind and respectful attitude about you refusing pap smears, as that is well within your rights. It is his job as a doctor to work around your needs as a patient, not push you to consent to treatments/procedures.

              1. valentine*

                It is fearmongering. Her body, her rules. She understands the risks and wants to proceed. She shouldn’t have to submit to assault or rely on random people to give her the shot.

                1. TL -*

                  Pap smears aren’t assault unless they’re done without consent. And doctors opt out of offering treatments all the time – either to refer on or because they don’t think they’re appropriate (doctors who refuse to prescribe antibiotics for colds, for instance, despite patients insisting otherwise.)

                  Medicine isn’t as simple as the patient consenting to whatever they want. Nor is doctors’ judgments always right (trans* advocacy often fights doctors inappropriately withholding treatment.) There’s a lot of literature on the ethical issues with informed consent – it’s the best model we’ve got but fposte’s point about how informed can laypeople be is very true.

                  This is an imperfect compromise and absolutely keep looking for a better one, but the doctor isn’t withholding necessary treatment or unduly (I hope) pressuring for a procedure she doesn’t want.

                2. Amber Rose*

                  “Pap smears aren’t assault unless they’re done without consent. ”

                  I disagree. Medical exams seem to be the exception to the rule about saying no any time. Consent prior that is withdrawn during tends to be ignored.

                  Even if I don’t explicitly withdraw consent, I’ve had enough medical professionals ignore my crying and pain that I can’t trust them ever again. I don’t know how anyone can.

                3. TL -*

                  @Amber Rose – that is terrible and I’m sorry.

                  Internal exams are definitely painful for me, but when I’ve gotten one, when I’m in pain, the doc stops, asks me what’s going on (and if I want to continue a few times when it’s been really bad), and does their best to talk me through and go as quickly as possible to minimize the experience – my favorite doc can be in and out in about three minutes, but she’ll take ten or fifteen to get me relaxed, and she’s stopped before truly starting to send me to the bathroom because full bladders make it more painful.

                  Your doctors should have done that for you and they didn’t and that’s super crappy and completely on them.

                  And even with that experience, I’m not getting my internals done while I’m overseas because I’m with student health and pretty much all their internal exams are done by NPs or GPs and I won’t let anyone but an OB-GYN do an internal on me.

                  Anyways. No advice, but just sympathy. Internal exams are such vulnerable things and they can be really painful. I had one NP who stopped and in frustration told me “it shouldn’t be this painful” – that was a decade ago and I still get angry when I think of it. I can’t imagine if I’d had doctors force me to continue and ignore my screaming and crying – that’s terrible and not good medical care.

            2. fposte*

              I’m with both you and TL here. I don’t think doctors generally are telling you this to be manipulative, and as lilysparrow says, there are professional requirements why they can’t just give you what you want. I do see your situation as tremendously frustrating, and I’m with you on the important difference between raise of risk and percentage of risk (I’ve been round with doctors on that myself); it’s just that doctors can get that part wrong and still be right that they can’t ethically or legally prescribe without examining you.

              My broader annoyance is that the systems tend to treat things as binary and incontrovertible, that passive risks are overemphasized and active risks underemphasized, and that the patient-stage messaging therefore does tend to be what I would kindly call misleading. TL, I think you and I have discussed the mammogram conundrum, for instance. Then you get into situations where a U.S. doctor will tell you that it would be unethical and terrible medicine to prescribe you Whateveritis without an exam, but you could get Whateveritis OTC in Canada or France, which have pretty darn responsible medical systems. I think a patient whose consent to the risk of, say, endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreaticography with an endoscopy is considered informed could reasonably be considered competent to accept the risk of heightened cancer with a commonly used medication.

              I get why the system doesn’t work that way, and even if we were in direct pay rather than insured or government-funded systems I don’t want a system where you can buy your way out of a doctor’s ethical obligations. But the piecemeal approach to consent, responsibilities, and risk makes some contrasts there notable.

              1. TL -*

                I do agree with you there – and I think some of it absolutely comes down to the particular doctor; ie, the doctor may not feel like they’re informed enough to sign off on this even if another doctor may be more comfortable, simply because the other doctor has more experience in that area and is more confident in the management of medication, outcomes, and risks.

                I don’t know about Canada (different health system) but in the USA, assuming you’re in a place with reasonable access to doctors, I think the piecemeal consent is frustrating and has its downsides, for sure, but it also can lead to a patient getting the right management given the circumstances.

                Long story: The first OB-GYN I asked about an IUD wasn’t comfortable because I’ve had an ovarian cyst burst before and IUDs don’t protect against those. I asked a different (more experienced) OB-GYN a few years later and she looked at my history, asked a bunch of questions, talked to me about the symptoms I had previously, symptoms that might indicate a cyst would be likely, then gave me the IUD along with a standing order for an ultrasound if I had any symptoms develop. The second doctor was clearly confident in her ability to manage any cysts that developed before they burst. The first one just wasn’t and so she managed the risk to minimize development of a cyst. So they both made the right call, given the circumstances, to give me the medical care I needed, hormonal birth control.

                Which is a long winded way of saying the doctor isn’t a standardized robot either and they’re a legitimate variable just like a patient. And that plays into the active versus passive risks – doctors tend to have a very good grasp on active risks because they’re hands-on things the doctors have experience with; thus, less conservative with active risks they’re experienced with. For passive risks, they are dealing with much less tangible date – statistics and data drive these – so they’re more conservative.

    3. Sam Carter*

      I’m not sure if this is an option in Canada, but what about privately hiring a CNA (certified nursing assistant) or someone along those lines to come to your home and give you the shot? It’s not as expensive as you would think and since it’s only a few times a year it wouldn’t add that much of a cost. You’d have to do your research to find the right person and possibly connect them to you doc and pharmacy to make sure they’re in sync.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Is there someone you know personally (family/friend) that can give you the shot? The CNA can show them how to do it, and then they can give you the shot going forward.

        1. TL -*

          Yeah, if one of my close friends asked me to do this for them, I’d actually be okay as long as it was signed off by the medical professionals.

          My friends in the USA who were on the shot just had after-hours appointments at their prescribing doctors; super fast appointments every three months. It does suck that’s not an option for you.

    4. WS*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this (I also have medical anxiety, though not the same kind as you). When I was having to do injections I couldn’t do myself, I had a nurse come and do them at my house. It was quick and easy. Your doctor’s clinic (if you can bring yourself to go there) might also have a practice nurse who can do the injection for you.

      There are a lot of different birth control medications, many of which do not increase the risk of cervical cancer but do increase the risk of breast cancer (while drastically reducing the risk of ovarian cancer). Would it be possible to switch to one of those rather than doing the shots, since they’re not working well for you? Sorry if you’ve already tried that, I know from experience they don’t all work well with mental health issues!

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Are you sure that all doctors you have access to have this requirement and not just this one doctor? It’s common in the US to check heart and lungs and check for blood clots annually because of the blood clot risk, but not as common these days to require a pelvic exam. I’d be a little surprised to hear Canada is different nationwide.

      1. Llellayena*

        Actually it is fairly common in the US to require that exam before prescribing birth control (pill). My obgyn requires the yearly exam with Pap smear and my previous doc said it had to be at least every other year. But doctors should also not be resistant to discussing all the available options AND how to implement them safely and conveniently.

        1. I Don’t Remember What Name I Used Before*

          When I was getting my BC & other reproductive health care through Planned Parenthood, it was 1 Pap smear a year & id get 12 months worth of BC at a time.
          Now that I have health insurance, it is recommended only every few years. I just turned 52 so I don’t know if age has anything to do with it.

          1. LilySparrow*

            The guidelines for frequency have also recently changed. Partially (not entirely) driven by the economics of changes in the health insurance marketplace and the requirement to cover preventative care without a co-pay.

            1. TL -*

              It was mostly driven by data showing no difference in cervical cancer survival rates if done every three years versus every year (for an average risk patient) and to prevent overdiagnosis.

              Pap smears are invasive and carry small risks, like every preventative screen, and they’re always being reevaluated to see what’s the optimal spacing of screens.

    6. ..Kat..*

      In the USA, (I think it might vary a bit by state) you can get your BC pills prescribed by a pharmacist. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Another thought I am having – is there a women’s shelter near you? They might be able to recommend physicians for women who need BC, but can’t stand being touched.

    7. Vic tower*

      Hey Amber Rose,

      That sounds like a very frustrating situation. A couple of options
      1) consider another provider, not all will be this strict
      2) consider mirena or non hormonal iud under GA with concurrent pap smear
      3) in Australia there is an option to do self-obtained test looking for hpv and if this is negative would be very reassuring. You can only do it once but maybe this would be enough to allow your health care provider to prescribe for longer.
      4) if you ever need anaesthetic in the next few years, see if the smear could be done at the same time.

      I hope that you can get to a place where your needs are being met.

    8. TL -*

      I’m not familiar with Canada’s system but if there’s an ob-gyn who specializes in traumatized patients anywhere near you, they would probably be worth seeing. They should be experienced in what to do if an internal exam isn’t an option and will probably be much more comfortable/familiar with risks of different birth control methods and brands. You may be able to work out a plan with them and just have them talk to your GP so GP can keep following it if you need to travel to see them.
      (Not suggesting you see them for a pap smear, just saying they will probably be much more comfortable suggesting a range of alternatives.)

  69. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m strug hard. I’m traveling for work and I just mentally can’t go to this conference any more–it made me have a panic attack yesterday. I’m having all kinds of feelings about not being able to do that but I want to take today to do some fun things (walking around, art) and then explain when I get back that the conference was not accessible to nearly anyone with any kind of disability.

    I’m proud of myself for talking to a friend about how I was feeling and she helped me feel ok with not going to the events. I’m also proud of working stuff out at home, I am paying someone to feed my cat and clean my apartment, and I set up a tour of a rentat house nearer to work, which would allow me to walk and bike more and be generally less stressed out about life and my health.

    How are you doing?

    1. 653-CXK*

      This week…I stayed home because a humdinger of a cold came on and it was brutal.

      It started Saturday night, after I had eaten. I had caught a chill and thought nothing of it. As Sunday went along, it got progressively worse. Scratchy throat, a dry cough, etc.

      Then Monday came. I was full-on miserable, and the nadir was Monday night, when I was coughing quite regularly, had the chills and a fever. The good thing about it was when I went to bed, I was actually warm compared to previous nights.

      Tuesday was a tad better, but I was coughing like crazy. Wednesday morning, after a productive coughing fit, I broke down and took some Delsym – and that stuff worked like a dream. By Thursday, I was 85% better and shoveling the extremely easy snow that fell, and yesterday I got out long enough to stop at the bank. Today, another easy storm.

      Great news on the job front – I got hired! I called out of curosity – the company was supposed to contact one of my remaining references but it turned out she was out, gave the reference, and I was offered the job. I don’t have a firm start date yet because HR is supposed to get in touch with me, probably next week. You bet that anxiety from waiting evaporated in a flash!

      On Thursday afternoon, I cleaned out some old records and shredded them. There were a few from my 12+ years of paying student loans, the letters that stated “Congratulations! Your loan has been paid off! Please keep for your records.” I keep those pay-off notes as a reminder that some things do have an end, and also gives me a deep source of pride that I could pay them off. (In those days, student loans were $300 a month – I don’t think I could ever do it at the $1,500+ per month some students are struggling to do!)

      That leads me to what I’m proud of this week: moving on. I know I will be successful at NewJob – the good thing about it is that towards the end of ExJob, it finally forced me to recognize it was time to move on. Now, I have that opportunity – with a better paycheck, a closer commute, and a chance to redeem myself.

      1. Jaid*

        Man, a lot of people got sick this week (me included, same symptoms)! I’m glad you feel better now. Congratulations on getting hired!

    2. Mimmy*

      I’m sorry the conference wasn’t accessible! I totally hear you – Last summer I went to a conference that was all about the Americans with Disabilities Act; yet, I found it to be very inaccessible! My friend, who’s a wheelchair user, has been to a few of these, and she said it was the worst one she’d been to.

      Anyway, after feeling kinda crappy mentally because of my job, this week is probably the best I’ve felt in awhile. I felt relatively confident and the BS didn’t get to me as much as it usually does. I’m proud of that :)

      I’m not really struggling with anything at the moment; just getting a little nervous because I just passed a professional certification exam, and while it’ll hopefully open up some opportunities, it’s a big step and it’s like “what the heck am I getting myself into??”

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Just wanted to say thank you for doing this thread. Proud of you for each step you take.

    4. Red*

      I’m proud of you for doing what’s right for you and not attending any more of the conference. I have panic attacks in public spaces and it took a lot of ovaries for me to accept that maybe I just can’t go to grocery stores when it’s convenient because they are busy then.

      For myself… I just moved and omg it is such a relief to not be stressing about packing everything. I mean, I still have to unpack, but at least that doesn’t have a hard deadline attached. And I’m really proud of having made it so long between psychiatrist appointments. My last one was in late December, and we schedule them 3 months apart but it’s not the least bit unusual for me to have to move the appointments up. For a little while I was going every two weeks. I’m so grateful to have finally found the medications that work for me, and for my insurance covering them. Latuda is over $1600 without insurance, and I pay $15. That’s incredible and I am so fortunate.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I was doing good until my dad told me that I wouldn’t be able to move out with €4000 and I was kidding myself into thinking that I could do so. For those who don’t know, I’m moving to Ireland in October/November and I’m a little poor but I’m confident that I can do it because I’m not afraid of hard work i.e. getting a cleaning job if I have to, on top of teaching English. Maybe it isn’t enough money but people have done more with less and I know what I’m capable of but I really, really hate that every time I’m feeling positive about something, he needs to find some way to make it negative and it feels like I’m being trapped into living with them forever. All I want is my own space again, and preferably a country or two between me and my parents, just so I can breathe properly.

      My mum was no help either. She buried her head in the sand and said she didn’t care about our argument. Living here is driving me insane. I desperately need my own space.

    6. StellaBella*

      Well done on planning to move closer and do more exercise, have less stress, Junior Dev, and well done on managing your anxiety so well about the conference. :)

      I am good this weekend because Friday I started a new job and Sat night I slept better than I have in a month so it’s been a good few days. Also played a lot with my cat, and did a bucket load of chores – washed curtains, throw rugs, clothes, sheets, duvet cover, and made lunches for the week today and yesterday. Today I even walked outside for 3 hours!

      Hope next week is better for everyone!

  70. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The moderation filter is sending a TON of comments to moderation for no discernible reason today. I’m fishing them out periodically, but just FYI if you’re noticing it happening to your comments and wondering what’s going on — it’s not you!

  71. Verona Recs*

    I’m visiting Verona, Italy next month with a friend and looking for recommendations for restaurants. Know of any you would recommend for the food, view, or atmosphere? Any tourist traps to avoid?

    1. The German Chick*

      We enjoyed Osteria Caffè Monte Baldo. Gelateria la Romana has the best ice cream in town.

  72. The Other Dawn*

    Does anyone have recommendations for freezable lunch bags, other than the Packit brand? I’m not against the brand at all. I’m just not thrilled with the patterns in the model I want (Hobo lunch bag). I’m Googling, but I’m not coming up with much.

    1. Lcsa99*

      I translated that look as them denying they were ever playing with that pencil. “What pencil? I see no pencil here, human”

    2. Luisa in Dallas*

      “Please note that we are displeased with the current treats schedule. We are unanimous in this.”

  74. Melina's Mansion For Campground Raccoons*

    Now for a bit of silliness for your weekend…

    Funko Pop figures. I’ve always thought they were cute and some of my friends collect them in regard to certain fandoms (superheroes, TV/movies, etc), but I’ve never felt compelled to buy any for myself until now. Behold, my first Funko Pop purchase from last night (three photos total):

    https://www.use.com/Ohx1G

    You guys. I cannot overstate how much more adorable this thing is in person. It makes me beam like a little kid every time I look at it. Brian, Roger, and Deacy are on their way to complete the collection; I had to order them online because the store was sold out of them in the entire city and I didn’t feel like traveling to the suburbs just for some Pops.

    I came across the Queen Funko series a couple of weeks ago while searching for something else and thought they were cute but tried to put it out of my mind, because did I really need them? I like getting this kind of thing as a gift, but I almost NEVER buy stuff like this for myself. Ever.

    But…I could. not. stop. thinking about them, and I decided it was a sign I needed them in my life. I debated keeping them in the box (I mean, because look at those cartoons!), but I decided that based on Freddie alone, these figures are way too adorable to keep boxed, and he, along with the rest of Queen, want to break free. (Pun completely, 100% intended.) The unboxing will happen when all four are here. I’m still keeping the boxes on a different shelf, because again, look at them. They’re too cute to throw away.

    Just wanted to share. This and the “Poop BBQ” post from Tuesday were the highlights of my week. It was…long and a bit intense. Today I woke up late and am staying home and vegging in front of the TV with homemade chocolate chip pancakes and fancy cold brew.

    Also, for anyone that’s wondering, no, this is not the start of a massive Funko Pop collection. I don’t have the space or the money, plus I don’t feel compelled to buy Pops just because. The subject has to mean something to me for me to buy it (or keep it if it was a gift).

    1. Elizabeth West*

      That’s so cute! I remember that outfit Freddie wore. :)

      I’m not into things like that, but my friend’s husband LOVES Funko Pops. He has an insanely large collection of them.

      1. Melina's Mansion For Campground Raccoons*

        Thanks! The harlequin jumpsuit is my favorite stage outfit of his. I want a pair of tights/leggings in that pattern because it’s just that awesome, but they’re proving hard to find, especially since I’m plus size. Apparently Funko also made a Wembley ’86 one of Freddie (yellow jacket), but I like this one better. Plus the other three Pops are in ’70s glam getup, so they all have to match eras.

        My friends’ collections range from medium to massive. One friend has a whole 6-feet tall by 3-feet wide bookshelf full of just Funko Pops. They’re mostly superheroes, which I’m not into, but I did spot David S. Pumpkins and his skeleton sidekicks on one shelf, so that was cool.

  75. Sick Chick*

    I’ve been experiencing a stomach bug the past few days. After missing work on Wednesday and Thursday, I went to work yesterday (against the advice of virtually everyone who commented) and made it through the day. (You were right and I probably should have stayed home.) I now have the weekend to get better. I’m trying to stay hydrated, get rested, and planning to go back to bed in a bit. If I’m up to it, I might run to the grocery store this evening or tomorrow.

    My stomach is still a bit upset though, and I’m feeling hungry. I’ve been eating a lot of chicken soup and I’m getting tired of it. What else would you suggest to eat that is kind of bland and that won’t further upset your tummy?

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        Seconding this. You can add a generous scoop of rice to any soup to make it a little more substantial. Yogurt might be okay, but I wouldn’t recommend adding fruit or granola. Oatmeal with some peanut butter might be satisfying if you’re craving something with protein. Scrambled eggs and toast might be okay if you go light on the cheese and butter.
        To help keep your stomach calm and stay hydrated I recommend lots and lots of ginger tea. You can add a little honey if it’s too bitter.

    2. Parenthetically*

      “They” say bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. I always find I crave salty things when I’m ill, so I make sticky rice and put lots of soy sauce on it.

    3. LilySparrow*

      If you are on the mend and can tolerate it, some yogurt with live cultures can help restore your flora. But start with very small amounts to see if it goes okay.

      BRAT is our go-to in these situations. Also Ramen noodles. We usually get chicken flavor, which you’re tired of. But at least you can get others.

    4. Madge*

      I used to give my daughter hot jello. You can make your own with gelatin packets and watered down juice or tea or just buy a box of Jello. She didn’t like the flavor of chicken broth and could keep down the jello easier than plain water. There’s a little protein and the collagen is supposed to be the benefits part of chicken soup. Also look at beef consumé, which is a thin broth.

    5. Kuododi*

      Personally, I tend toward either won ton soup, or the cheap tacky Ramen noodle soup. Something about the Sodium and carbs I find soothing on an icky stomach. I will also drink the Jamacian ginger ale. (Has actual ginger instead of ginger flavoring.). Hope you feel better soon.

    6. Sick Chick*

      Thank you to everyone for all the helpful suggestions. The bug seems to have also affected my thinking and I’m probably not quite as sharp as I usually am.

      I had never heard of “Hot Jello” or Jamaican Ginger Ale. I haven’t had any luck finding Jamaican Ginger Ale, but it is on my list and I’m going to be keeping an eye out for it. (I like regular Ginger Ale.) “Hot Jello” is surprisingly good and filling.

      1. Kuododi*

        I have had the best luck finding Jamacian ginger ale at the Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s type of grocery stores. If you are out of the US….I’m not sure what to recommend except to check online. (Good luck!!!)

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      When I’ve been really ill, the things that have worked for me were vegetable bouillon powder made into a broth with hot water, tomato/miso soup, plain toast, boiled eggs mashed up with breadcrumbs and butter (very babyish I know but something about it works well if I’m really poorly), or boiled rice and peas. If I’m at the stage where I can have dairy, then I’d add Shreddies cereal soaked in warm milk, chocolate buttons, and smoothies made with yoghurt and fruit (usually raspberries or bananas and honey). I also have a Thai soup recipe I like which I make using the vegetable bouillon powder and Thai flavourings like ginger, garlic, fish sauce, lime, chilli, lemongrass and coriander, but that requires more effort in terms of chopping etc so tends to be for when I’m more mobile.

  76. Not All*

    Gah!!!!!!

    Mostly a vent.

    A few weeks ago I commented on someone else’s thread about weirdness around dating someone they met through their MMORPG to the effect of it was a fantasy and easy to make someone into whoever you wanted in your head. I probably jinxed myself because suddenly one of my guildies has decided he has a thing for me and has turned the flirtation light onto 1000 watts despite getting zero encouragement from me. Dude, do NOT make my safe space where I escape the real world complicated and awkward!

    PSA: If you don’t know someone’s real first name, MAYBE DON’T HIT ON THEM!!! And hey! if you’ve never, ever seen them flirt with ANYONE in the game, maybe it’s because they have no interest in that rather because they’re secretly waiting for you! Gah!

    1. Llellayena*

      If you’re able to message them privately (I don’t play so I don’t know how it works), maybe a “Please stop. I’m not interested and you should know better than to assume I am actually the gender you’d be interested in.” Might confuse them for a bit since your avatar does not have to match your real gender…

      1. Not All*

        :) Mostly I just thought it was ironic since in about 15 years of mmorpg, I’ve never had this problem and it starts shortly after I commented on someone else’s weird situation with romantic involvement in a game!

        We chat through headsets so no confusion there. And have been playing together for a long time…some of us for going on 10 years.

        I’ll just keep pretending I don’t see those messages or notice the flirting. It will extinguish eventually if not fed. And as irritated as I am now, I’m not interested in making it so uncomfortable that he feels like he needs to leave the guild. He’s a nice guy & good player!

        1. Clever Name*

          If he ignores your lack of response and other signals of disinterest and continues to flirt with you, he’s not a nice guy.

  77. Lissa*

    Random positivity – I just want to say that I remember a few months/year ago there was a lot of talk about what to do to improve the comment section overall and I have to say I really have noticed a positive difference. I am not saying there’s never any issues (it’s the internet, of course it is) but overall I think that Alison stickying notes at the top with things like “this particular thing has been covered sufficiently, please focus on other aspects of the letter” or keeping certain things to one or two collapsible threads, along with less off topic during the work threads has made the comment section nicer for me at least to read! I have noticed a material difference in the amount of off-topic bickering, pile-ons, and the same argument being repeated by the same two posters in every subthread. So thank you!

    1. Mellow*

      I’m fairly new here (and mostly lurk, with a just a few comments), but because it’s the Internet, I appreciate the controlled, moderated environment here. Alison’s investment in the tone and pace of the comments forum makes the entire blog content that much more reliable.

      In short, I agree!

  78. Shayland*

    I was going to meet up with my sister later today but I ended up having a seizure and then sleeping for two hours. She was of course very concerned and also very understanding when I managed to text her (mostly coherently) about why I missed.
    I just really wish I could have been there instead and really wish I wasn’t in pain / continuing to be neurologically challenged.
    :(

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I am so sorry to hear this but glad you are doing a bit better. Is someone there with you? (Ugh. I sound like Mom. I have assisted for many seizures, I see how scary they are.)

  79. Augusta Sugarbean*

    I don’t know if the commenter FortyTwo is still around but I thought of that interesting comment on the letter about “a coworker gave my kid $20 and told him to keep it a secret”. FortyTwo said they differentiate between secrets and surprises. The topic came up on a random Reddit thread and someone explained a similar method and I posted about FortyTwo’s comment. Someone else had a funny experience with that:
    “Agree. This is what we taught our daughter. Then one day not to long after, she was coming home from a visit with grandma and she burst into the house screaming that grandma had bought us ______ (forgot what it was) and told her to keep a secret! Her grandmother looked horrified, but nearly keeled over laughing after she learned why. It was funny, but we were sure to reaffirm that was the right thing to do and what a good memory she had.”

  80. FD*

    I want to share something I’m really excited about. I’ve been working on getting in shape for a couple of years now, and I’m generally fairly fit at this point. I walk a lot to commute and I work out at the gym 5x weekly. But I have a bugbear–running. I’ve always told myself I ‘can’t run’–mostly because I so dreaded enforced runs in gym class.

    But I’ve been working on doing a lap at a time and I’m up to 2/3 of a mile now. My goal is to eventually be able to run a mile. I know this isn’t a long distance for people who run more seriously, but it’s a big achievement for me.

    1. Kathenus*

      Congrats! I really don’t like to run. I used to back in school for sports, and I wondered for a while why I really hate it now. Then I remembered having a coach who used running as punishment, and without my realizing it at the time it really affected the way I view running. I never liked it, but I did it as a part of the sport to get in shape and tolerated it with no problem. But that experience pushed it into a different mental/emotional space for me. I’m (a lot) older now so not sure that trying again is for me, but your post gives me hope. I really wish I liked it, but I really, really don’t at this point. Small steps. Great job!

    2. ..Kat..*

      2/3 of a mile is amazing! I am so impressed with your work out schedule – good for you!

      1. FD*

        Thanks! I really can’t take that much credit for the workout schuedule. When I wanted to form the habit, I rented a locker and stored some of the stuff I needed to get ready for work at the gym, so I didn’t have any choice but to at least go there.

  81. I've Gotta Be Meme*

    TLDR: I became meme a while back. I’m looking for a manager, and I need advice on how to find one.

    I became a meme about eighteen months ago.

    I was caught doing something on TV. Nothing embarrassing or stupid, nothing to be ashamed of. The image immediately went viral and quickly escalated beyond the world of memes. It exploded in such a manner that I even appeared on one of the late night talk shows; not as in ‘they showed a clip,’ but as in me, physically, actually being on the show.

    I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that the meme was so big that if certain events had gone in a different direction, there’s a good chance my life would have significantly changed.

    A couple of days after I became famous, a co-worker, “Norm,” offered to be my manager. I didn’t know Norm, but because of the specific nature of his job, I felt I could trust him, so I accepted.

    Due to a number of factors, including circumstances beyond our control, I haven’t become the Rich And Famous Celebrity I’d hoped/fantasized I’d be.

    Part of it is because my fame appears to be seasonal in nature.

    Maybe the clock is running out on my 15 minutes of fame. I certainly hope not; I still get recognized once in a while, and as recently as Christmas Eve someone came up to me and said it was “an honor” to meet me. (Those were his exact words.)

    But I think part of it is Norm’s fault. Having thrown that out there, you need to know that this is not a situation where he’s cheating me financially. Norm is an honest man, and I trust him. I rely on him for advice. And that could be part of the problem, that I’ve been relying on him too much, I’ve been very dependent on him.

    The big problem I have with Norm is his lack of communication. Although we work for the same company, in the same building, the nature of his job and the nature of my job don’t allow us to get together to meet in person during the day. Once in a blue moon we’ll run into each other in the hallway, but that’s about it. So it’s e-mail and text. I’d e-mail him questions, or thoughts, or comments, but he wouldn’t reply. Sometimes I’d have to follow up a week later, and even then I might get a response.

    For as long as I’ve known Norm, there have been extenuating circumstances that have impacted his ability to devote as much time to me as he would have liked. I don’t need to get into them here, but they’re legitimate. I’ve respected his time, and his circumstances, and I’ve never expected immediate right-this-very-second replies. But there have been times where he could have easily given me a quick “Let me get back to you,” but I didn’t even get that.

    I guess the best example of his inability to communicate is our contract. Within the first week, Norm had one written up. I looked it over and didn’t see anything wrong with it – I figured most of it was standard legal stuff, I didn’t catch anything that would raise a red flag. But I did notice some minor typos – nothing serious, a wrong punctuation mark in a couple of places, that sort of thing. It mattered to me in the sense that this was what I hoped would be the Historic First Contract in my new career as a Rich And Famous Celebrity, and I wanted it to be perfect. This wasn’t a matter of “the contract says I get 500 free teapots but I want 1,000.” So I asked him to fix it. He said he would. He never did. Which means we don’t have a signed contract.

    I don’t know if Norm has lost interest, if he thinks my 15 minutes of fame have run out, or what. He’s never said anything about it… and that’s the problem, no communication. That’s why, as I’ve already TLDRed, I need to get a new manager. Someone I can communicate with, someone who’ll actually get back to me, someone who’ll be more proactive in working with me, guiding me, to bring me to the next level – whatever that level may be. If I could do it myself, I would. But I can’t – I need help.

    One major problem is that I can’t afford to pay anything, so that person would need to be willing to work on a contingency basis.

    How, and where, do I go about finding such a person?

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I am not a celebrity, but I highly doubt any reputable public relations professional would work that way unless you have something amazing to offer besides just being a meme. You generally have to factor in a budget for that sort of thing. It sounds like Norm had no idea what he was doing and maybe hoped to ride your coattails but was unable to sustain the effort or became uninterested in going any further with it.

      You could contact a PR firm, but going viral fades very quickly. If your fame is indeed seasonal in nature, perhaps it’s just best to let it go.

      1. valentine*

        No contract with Norm may be best. Gather any documents and list any conversations where you discussed terms, even if it was joking about his 15%. You need an entertainment lawyer first, to tell you if any of that is binding and whether Norm could successfully sue you for future earnings.

        You need an agent or agents for whatever kind of work you want to do, like public appearances, acting, and voice work. My understanding is they work on contingency. Who are a few people whose careers you admire or are on paths you want to follow, whose reps haven’t stolen from or bankrupted them? Contact their agencies and gauge their interest. Also look at other people in your boat, like Chewbacca Mom or Left Shark.

        When the money rolls in, you’ll need an accountant. (Avoid whoever fleeced TLC, Toni Braxton, and DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince.)

        Don’t work with or hire friends, family, or current acquaintances, especially colleagues. Say no more about your plans to Norm.

        I hope this works out for you!

    2. Anon Anon Anon*

      So you’re a meme. What next? You don’t have to answer here, but focus on that and let it guide you. Is this a springboard for something else? Will you use the fame to advocate for something or to launch a new career? Are you looking for public speaking engagements? Or more media coverage? You need to find someone who can specifically help you to get to the place where you want to go, someone with expertise in that area.

      Finding that person is probably the hardest part. I think word of mouth is the best way to find a professional. Because the good ones don’t advertise a lot and there are lots of scams and slackers out there. Or you can find someone who really supports you and wants to help, and will benefit from the experience. Maybe it could be an internship type of thing, depending on what you’re looking for and how reasonable it would be to pay them on contingency.

      But, basically, you’re not a meme – you’re someone who got a lot of publicity and wants to use that to accomplish something. If you focus on the next step, and have stats on how much publicity you got via the meme, you should have an easier time finding someone good who wants to work with you. And try to bring in some extra income so you can pay them upfront! Then you’ll have more options.

    3. WellRed*

      Is this for real? You want to be rich and famous for being a … meme 18 months ago? What exactly are you offering to the world? And why depend on Norm who you also can’t pay?

    4. WS*

      You can’t pay anything but you expect perfection from Norm? That’s seems a little harsh, but also, you get what you pay for. If an actual agent or entertainment lawyer thinks you’re worth signing on a contingency basis, they will do that. They may not. Look at other people in the field that you are trying to be in and see who represents them for a starting point.

    5. Courageous cat*

      This is absolutely such a bizarre comment. What on earth do you think you’re going to become a rich and famous celebrity for, especially without paying your managers for their labor and then demeaning them for not “devoting more time to you”? And think about how many memes you’ve seen – how many of them became famous?

      This is just all reading weirdly narcissistic.

    7. AngelicaSchuyler*

      Wait a minute, you mean you..
      1) Accidentally became a meme.
      2) Think you’re going to become the Next Big Thing for becoming a meme despite never chasing this path prior to the accidental fame. (What do you think you will do for income as “Guy In A Meme from 18 months ago”? Motivational speaking? “How to Become a Meme 101” online courses? I would really love to know how you plan on turning “I was a meme once” into a career.)
      3) Blame your lack of fame on your coworker-turned-manager, who you do not have a contract with.
      4) Want to “fire” said manager in order to find an actual manager but you still cannot pay them.

      This is bizarre. Please take a moment of self-inspection to think about the how and why of what you’re doing.

  82. Pssssst*

    I need help with a relationship issue.
    We have been long-distance with my bf for almost a year. We have agreed I am moving to his country over the summer. This is a huge change for me as you can imagine.
    And the thing is, I very suddenly started to feel less excited about it and him. I just have second thoughts. I can see us together in the long run, I think we will make great parents together, our values are aligned… I am just not feeling all the butterflies now. I still smile when I look at our photos together and am looking forward to our Skype dates.
    We see each other 2x per month and it’s usually awesome. Last time was great but not as magical as other weekends had been.
    Are ups and downs in LDRs like this?
    I sound like a teen and am embarrased about this.

    1. LilySparrow*

      Well, I don’t know about long-distance relationships, but it’s certainly normal in long-term relationships for the butterflies to settle down into a more generalized happiness and contentment. And also for there to be off days (or weeks or sometimes months) when you are just doing life and the everyday hassles of making a plan happen are uppermost in your mind.

      To use the “magical” metaphor, Harry Potter was awestruck when he first got to Hogwarts. But at some point the moving staircases and talking pictures become normal life (or even sometimes an obstacle to getting stuff accomplished).

      If nothing is actually bad, and he’s treating you well, sit with it for a while and see. It’s possible that there’s a reason bubbling up why this relationship isn’t going as well as you first thought, and if so, you want to know so you can address it or make a different decision.

      But it’s also possible that you’re just getting used to him and to the relationship, and the “new shiny” is wearing off. That’s a good thing, because there are greater levels of intimacy on the other side of “new shiny”. You don’t get to experience those until the butterflies settle down a bit. (They still happen sometimes, just not all the time.)

    2. Madge*

      This is very normal. And don’t be embarrassed. Very few people talk about what it’s like to be in a long-term relationship, and pop culture and the media are no help. The magic and butterflies all the time would be exhausting. And there’s more to a relationship than happily ever after. I think because you’re about to jump into a huge unknown, and because you don’t see him as often, that you’re reading this very normal stage in relationships as A Sign. And it might be. And it might not. So give your thoughts and feelings room to exist. Don’t discount them away but don’t give them all the power either. Make sure if you do move you have an exit plan. I know that doesn’t sound romantic or trusting, but changing countries is a very big deal. And I always feel better about things if I have a plan.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Butterflies come and go. Excitement waxes and wanes.

      If you can see you and your boyfriend “together in the long run”… what’s going to get you to “the long run” besides closing the gap?

    4. Not So NewReader*

      When I moved to be near my husband-to-be there was a down shift, as in “omg, this is getting real serious now”.

      Make sure you keep enough set aside so you can get back home if you need to. I did not do this. So my guy said he would help me go home if that is what I truly wanted. With that promise, my mind settled down and I went about more practical daily matters. (I ended up staying, FWIW.)

    5. ..Kat..*

      Part of this depends on the country you currently live in and the country you are going to. I am assuming that you are a woman. Some countries are better for women than others. That said, you can slow this down. Don’t commit any money (or any more money) if you are having second thoughts. You are the one who is planning to move – you are the one who is taking the big risks.

      Best wishes for what you decide to.

      1. valentine*

        And consider only moving if you would want to move there alone. Be sure you’ll have a Team You there, and interests and goals outside of him. Where you currently are, add to Team You someone he’s never even heard of and that you won’t mention, in case you need a rapid exit.

    6. PX*

      Sounds like this is when the reality of it is hitting you, which is normal to be nervous about! I say sit with this for a while.

      How much research have you done into his country? I’m going to guess you’ve been there and visited before? Is it possible for you to spend a bit more time there before you actually move (eg at least a week, preferably more) so you can start to get used to it and start to imagine what your life there will actually be like? Look into some of the real nuts and bolts of it – what practical things do you need to get used to living there? Taxes? Work permits? Jobs? Language? New and exciting foods in the supermarket!

      Also, look carefully at the relationship itself. Is it still good? Are you still happy? Is the reality of committing to moving making you realise you…are not actually that into him but merely comfortable?

      As others have said, ups and downs are normal, but certainly be smart about this and go into it with your eyes open. Have savings of your own. Have a back-up plan for what happens if you dont like his country/cant find a job/want to come back. Have savings of your own. Make friends of your own (hard but important!). Definitely try and make sure you will not be isolated as that is often a way to ensure you will never be truly comfortable. Pick up a new sport or hobby to get you out of the house. Did I mention have savings of your own?

    7. Pssssst*

      I really appreciate your comments and your support!
      I am a woman as you correctly guessed, I am in my late 20s.
      I absolutely agree about making sure I have funds if things don’t go the way we’re planning. I’ve taken care of that so I have an exit plan.
      The country I’m moving to is a much better place to live than my home country (one of the countries leading the happiness index, good work/life balance etc.) I’ve been a handful of times and while I know it will be hard to adjust to certain aspects, I can do it. I’m learning the language and have connected with alumni from my school already so I’ll have my own friends.
      I am trying to break down what I need to do before I leave and it’s making me anxious as here at home things are super bureaucratic. Immigration is pretty straightforward there, it’s really the leaving part that’s causing me a headache.
      And not just the bureaucratic things but also my family, my career, my well-established life. I think it’s partly my SAD speaking though (I just don’t want to leave my flat and would like to stay in bed for a week and not talk to anyone). I have been feeling kind of off for days and had neglected my light treatment because of work commitments and being sick.
      You’re all right to give my emotions some time and just let things be and observe how I feel. My boyfriend’s very supportive and when I voiced my concerns to him I immedately felt better. I just wish he was here all the time (so moving in, after all, is probably what I want).
      Thank you again

      1. Rebecca*

        I’m a little late to this, but: be patient with yourself! What you’re doing is hard. I moved to France after a year of LD. We both thought that the LD was the hard part and everything would get better once we were together. Ha! The first six months was so hard, I genuinely thought I had maybe made a mistake. But we got through that and I’m so glad I took the risk.

        So what you’re feeling now is normal. As we were making the decision for me to actually make the move, all the what if’s came to the front and it was scary, but then we got excited about the move and our new life again. And the adjustment was hard, especially for me but also for him.

        But for me, the risk was totally worth it, because even if it hadn’t turned out as well as it did, I would have always wondered if I was passing up a good thing. Good luck!!!

  83. Ali G*

    Steak tips???
    Due to my Butcher Box subscription I now have 3 lbs of steak tips. I have never cooked with them before. Anyone have good recipes for steak tips? I can only think of stew.

    1. Kathenus*

      I pan sauteed them and they were great, and very quick to cook. Then you can use them in just about anything from there. Marinating first if you’d like for a certain flavoring. I liked to cook a bunch at once and then eat them in various dishes (with rice and broccoli, burrito bowl, whatever) during the week.

    2. WellRed*

      Stew? No. Steak tips are so good and flavorful on their own grilled, broiled, sauteed.

    3. Chaordic One*

      I’ve always served them with noodles and gravy. They’re also very good when mixed into a tossed green salad.

    4. sharon*

      I would cook them on the broiler pan from my oven. Bring the meat to room temp. Appx 30 minutes. Use a marinade or salt, pepper, and garlic (my fav). Broil 10 min max and they should be ready. Less if you like your beef med rare or rare. Serve over rice or with baked potato. Possibilities are endless.

    5. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Steak tips are usually too lean for stew. Aim for quick cooking methods that will keep them from getting tough. Stir fry. Skewers. Fajita bowls.

  84. Nervous Accountant*

    Idk if this is work related or not. But I’m in a few online tax pros groups and good lord, now I see why accountants have such a negative stereotype. So many condescending people. Currently, they’re having a good laugh at someone’s poor English.

    1. Anon Anon Anon*

      Most of the accountants that I’ve worked with have been nice, but the last one nearly yelled at me. He seemed angry that I had left a job with a good salary to do something different, and that I wasn’t more organized about filing my taxes (my major weak point as a human, which is why I like to work with an accountant). I wanted to yell back, “I’m at 38-year-old adult! I’m paying you for a professional service! This is none of your business!” He treated me like I was a spoiled teenager. Then he tracked me down and tried to add me on some professional networking app. But, for the most part, I’ve had good experiences and found accountants to be nicer than most.

      1. valentine*

        I wanted to yell back, “I’m at 38-year-old adult! I’m paying you for a professional service! This is none of your business!”
        I wish you had. I mean, he sounds like an agent taking a pay cut ’cause you’ve switched to indies.

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        OMG that’s awful! I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s no way to treat anyone! One thing I have to say I like about my company/job is that we really drill it in to peoples heads to not be asses to clients (uhm….recent issues with a certain someone notwithstanding but that’s not for this thread). I can’t imagine anyone being so rude to a paying customer.

  85. Life hacks*

    Due to fairly an unusual upbringing I often feel like I’m missing out on big chunks of information that other adults just *know* … I’m in my 30s and everyone thinks I’m incredibly confident, competent and successful. My close friends are always surprised when I disclose this or my background. However as people get to know me it becomes more clear that I do have gaps in my knowledge base.

    Wondering what you all think are the crucial things I should know about or that helped you adult better in you teens/20s?

    **For context, some of my gaps are around: politics, science, finances, pop culture, history.

    ** I hide this well so it hasn’t hindered my career, but I do wonder if it holds me back from speaking more confidently about anything?

    1. Ruffingit*

      Those are broad categories, are there things in particular you find yourself having trouble with knowing/understanding within those categories? For example, I’m in my 40s and I know the stock market exists, but couldn’t tell you how it works exactly if someone asked. I know the basics, but anything more detailed I can’t help with. What are some specific things you feel you’re lacking?

    2. Asenath*

      Well, you don’t need to let it hold you back from speaking confidently – after all, everyone has some gaps in their knowledge. Mine are in many types of popular music (I like a lot of different kinds of music, but I have specific likes and dislikes, and they don’t seem to match up with those of most of my generation, and as for a younger generation, well! I might as well be living under a rock.) Also sports – almost any type – are a total blank for me, as are almost anyone in the entertainment industry – actors, people who are famous for being famous, and, well TV shows and movies are kind of like music, there’s a few I like, but a vast number I couldn’t be bothered with. I’m trying not to know about or get engaged in politics any more, but I still need to know some facts.

      I think what helps me is getting the confidence not to worry if I don’t know something, unless it’s something I need to know for my own reasons. If it is, I learn it.

    3. Anon Anon Anon*

      I had the same problem, and still do to some extent. It caused some MAJOR misunderstandings when I was younger. I felt like I was in a foreign country. But I did a lot of reading and a lot of talking to random people. Eventually, I caught up. But now that I’m caught up on the knowledge, I still find there’s sort of a culture gap. I’m ok with it, but it creates a lot of misunderstandings. So that’s something else to consider, whether you want to try and become more culturally similar to the people you’re around or just communicate about it.

      1. Anonforthis*

        I feel like this is understandable if you’re in a country with a lot of regional differences? I live in the U.S., and the cultural differences between Middle America and Coastal America are like night and day. Same with small towns vs. big cities.

    4. OyHiOh*

      I have some similar gaps. Politics and science I can hold my own in because although my schools were seriously lacking, the materials I always had available at home made up for it.

      History, I think a lot of 30 and 40 something adults feel like they’re lacking because what today’s high school students are being taught – and more importantly being taught a process for carefully thinking through information – has changed tremendously since we were students. In many good ways. But what we find out our kids are learning, or what we hear new grads talking about can make those knowledge gaps feel like gulfs instead of gaps.

      Pop culture is my personal biggest one and I’ve basically worked backwards in time. the late 80’s/90’s pop culture I missed out on at the time, I’ve watched, read, and listened to. It doesn’t feel like “my” culture, but at least I have a sense of understanding, I know what the jokes and references are, and that helps. The pop culture gap, in particular, is a big part of why I decided to stop homeschooling a couple years ago and put my kids in public school. I couldn’t keep up with making sure my kids were comfortable in the same pop stuff their peers were into. It’s much easier when so much of pop culture happens on the playground and weekend trips to hang out at the library. I’m comfortable moderating pop influences when I hear something that doesn’t mesh with our values but I don’t feel a need to monitor every bit of their involvement either.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      If you have a community college near you maybe you can audit some courses in these topics?
      If you get the foundational stuff in place you can read on your own and follow along.
      The other good thing to keep in mind is that everything changes. Science, the way historians view history, politics and of course pop culture changes daily. Finances even change, I remember growing up it was pounded into us by the media to get all the credit we can. Yeah, that worked so well. not.

      I think if you want to fill the gaps start where it is relevant to your life today. Science- learn stuff about technology. Learn to work with basic tools around your home. Some day I would like to build a simple robot. I am not much of a geeky person, but if I keep the project small I will probably get it… eventually…
      Finances. Learn enough to maybe write a budget for yourself and having a savings plan that you follow. Learn to identify scams so you can protect your assets.
      History. Google stuff that catches your eye. Suppose they find cannons and muskets at an area near you, google to see why those items might be there. I like to google places that are rumored to be haunted to find out what happened there and why people talk about ghosts there.
      Keep it really practical by learning stuff that you can use or refer to. It’s not that you fill the gaps in one day, it’s that you create a habit of looking things up and over time you feel more acquainted with the topic.

      I have trained a lot of people. I mean a lot. It must be my face or tone, not sure. But people ask me stuff. I was surprised to find out that most people have gaps that they are not comfortable with. Some questions were really good questions. I didn’t mind answering and I learned a lot about asking questions myself. How many times do we have a question and we aren’t even sure what that question is? Too often. A well framed question can be almost as impressive as “actually knowing it all”. Pointed questions can trigger discussions that open doors.

      Last. At some point we give up. We just decide “I don’t know about X. I will never know about X. And I. just. don’t. care.” I don’t know about cars and for the most part I don’t care. I make myself care about learning about my car and that is it.

      You probably speak confidently on subjects familiar to you and you don’t even think about that part. Most people are doing the same, they stay off of topics they know nothing about. You probably don’t have this problem but the only time a person is really held back by what they don’t know is when they pretend they DO know.

      1. Anonforthis*

        These are good suggestions.

        I would also recommend just keeping up with news and current events. Use different sources so you can know more or less what is going on in various fields, like technology, politics, foreign policy, economics, science, etc.

        If you’re willing to pay for a subscription, I really like TIME magazine. It’s quick and easy and gives you the run down on everything from pop culture to current events.

    6. Anonforthis*

      It’s hard to tell without knowing more, but I think you’re being hard on yourself? Everyone has specific knowledge gaps due to their upbringing, and I’m pretty sure they are good at hiding it just like you are.

      I think mine are history and pop culture – For some context, I live in the U.S. but am first-generation American plus grew in a mostly immigrant community. This means I mostly learned about history of non-American cultures (I am just starting to learn things about the U.S. Civil War and the Civil Rights Movement…) and missed a lot of pop culture references. (It was a while before I finally heard music by Michael Jackson and the Beatles.) I also pronounce a lot of English words wrong to this day because I learned then from other non-Native English speakers!

      I would say the things that have helped me adult better, so to speak, have more to do with logistics than any academic subject area. Like…how rental agreements work, how to fill out tax forms, how health insurance billing works, etc. I’m happy to answer specific questions on these if you have any! I’m also happy to answer questions about Jane Austen references if you have any :P

    7. Dr. Anonymous*

      There is an entire genre of books for this called “general knowledge”. The New York Times, for example, publishes one. You could lay it on your bedside table and read it before you go to sleep each night and get a little smattering of what you feel you’re missing.

    8. Life hacks*

      Thank you all!! Oh my gosh, all your comments have cemented for me that everyone feels like they have gaps, I’m not alone :) I may have more than most but also have some obscure knowledge others don’t!

      Ok some of you have asked me to be more specific:

      – science: I’m really lacking in the basics like … think grade 4 or so. What would be a good book or website for a general overview?

      – politics: I’m at a loss, I can follow the news but it’s hard for me to have a conversation. I don’t really understand how the systems generally work. I’m in a multi-national workplace so any basic resources on the background on US, CAN, European politics would be great.

      – Geography: this is maybe my worst category. I know the continents. And that’s about it. What would be a good tool or game to learn places?

      – finances: I am good at budgeting and saving and I can do my basic income tax return, but I have no idea about investing or rrsps or tax free savings accounts or how to save for retirement etc.

      – history: sooo many gaps. If you have a suggestion for an interesting book or app/game that teaches a general overview of world history that would be amazing. Alternatively … what historical events are the most relevant to know about?

      1. valentine*

        Science: Cosmos>/i>, both Carl Sagan original and the modern one with Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, who also writes books laypeople can understand and has done several documentaries.

        Geography: Get an oldschool globe. Spin it around, close your eyes, and stop it. Wherever you land, read the wiki for basics or choose something specific you’re interested in.

        History: The Ministry of Time is a time-travel show about Spanish history featuring a breadth of points between the 13th century (and possibly earlier) and the current year.

      2. Weegie*

        Try the How Stuff Works website as a starting point: they’ve got channels for pretty much everything, including finance and history. They also have several podcasts you might find interesting.

        IMHO, the most important gap to fill right now would be the financial one – some colleges run classes in the basics of investing or retirement savings, so maybe you could look for something like that in your area, or an online course?

        And don’t worry – I lost touch with my own culture by working abroad for most of the 90s. I never quite caught up, but I decided at some point that I don’t really care!

      3. PX*

        Your question about what historical events are most relevant to know is so interesting to me because I feel like thats also a very personal thing! And culture specific!

        For instance ‘relevant’ in an educational context (eg school) tends to focus on what key events shaped a country. So in America it might be the US Civil war whereas in parts of Europe it might be WW1 and WW2 (plus what actually led to these events happening). But obviously, history is written by the victors – and is also propaganda (ie if I tell you this particular version of how our culture came to be, you will agree with its current form and values. If I tell you a different story about how it came to be, you might disagree with it).

        So in some places, people are making more of an effort to learn about other viewpoints in history. So in the US, that might be looking more specifically at Native American or African American history. In Europe, that might be spending a bit more time on the slave trade, and how so many countries current wealth is built on this. And obviously I’m not even touching on other parts of the world (Asia/Australasia/Africa/South America etc). Or even things like gender roles – think of a lot of recent efforts to honour female scientists who have very often been written out of history books/great discoveries simply because they arent men!

        All of which is to say, deciding which events are the most ‘relevant’ kind of depends on where you are and also the kind of person you are?

        Having said all that, there are a series of kids books that are well loved called Horrible Histories that may help you. And apparently there is a great Youtube series called Drunk History that I’ve never watched that people seem to like.

      4. Asenath*

        I generally have a magpie approach, getting fascinated by things I come across and then following up. That is, I hated geography in school, but learned more about it later because before I gave up on politics, I read a lot about politics, which led to a little geography (since I didn’t read only about local politics) and history. With history more generally, I read fiction first, starting when I was a child, and then, for the parts of the world that interested me most, I moved to non-fiction – and of course that came with geography attached too, so to speak. Read anything and everything you can get your hands on. When I was lucky enough to be able to travel, I read up on history and geography of places I was going to. I also read up on local history. I don’t think you CAN do world history with one resource, but there’s lots of stuff out there on whichever part of the world catches your attention at any moment – I spent too much of yesterday watching excellent Youtube videos about (initially) Peruvian mummies, then Egyptian mummies and somehow one got in there about Mount Pelee and another about the loss of branch train lines in the UK. I knew a little about all of these topics, but more now, just from looking around and following anything interesting. And history is all connected sooner or later. You might start with, say, North America, follow the immigrant trail to Europe, read up on that a bit, maybe then look into connections with Asia or Africa, go backwards or forwards in their histories … life isn’t long enough to gt through all the options.

        Also with history – there’s a lot of ways of doing history. When I was in school, we had this horribly boring text on history, all politics and treaties. I hated it. I learned to like history by reading about other aspects. You can learn history by reading about wars, or famous women, or the lives of the peasants, or explorers or migrants or trade patterns or religions or technological developments (science, but also everything from textiles to bridge-building).

        Science I actually studied a little, well, past the grade 4 level, anyway, but there’s a ton of stuff out there on all sciences, and also on the intersection of science and society – biographies of famous scientists, scientific frauds, the effects of applied science on society, etc. Google is your friend – it’s so easy these days to find out things, although of course you have to use a bit of common sense in evaluating them.

        Financial stuff – It sounds like you’re doing well, but I think I’d get some formal advice to fill the gaps. That’s one of my weaknesses, and I was a bit nervous about getting a financial advisor I could trust, particularly about investing because I know almost nothing about it. I ended up going with someone recommended by a bank – an investment advisor, not one of the people who simply sells mutual funds or something. RRSP – put as much as you can in one, not over your limit and NEVER take it out until you retire and your income drops, or you’ll pay a lot in taxes. Guess how I know? And start retirement planning ASAP. I can’t say I understand TFSA (although I have one) myself. You need an advisor, and to choose carefully and do your research. Some employers offer retirement seminars or recommendations.

      5. Llellayena*

        Science: I like the suggestion of the How Stuff Works site. Also, you can glean quite a bit from science fiction reading, and it’s more fun than a textbook!
        Geography: Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. There’s a game, a game show, and a cartoon, though you might have to hunt since the shows aren’t airing anymore. Also, travel books and travel blogs for more specific info about locations that interest you. Take tours when you travel that focus on topics you like for the specific areas (this can even be done near your home if travel is tough).
        Politics: you might want a US government community college course for the basics, but other than that, just ask questions. Enough people are confused by politics that it won’t be weird to people if they need to explain more.
        Finances: there’s a ton of books out there since many people are confused by finances, but you could ask your bank for a walk through those topics.
        History: most of history is defined by wars, so your broad brush topics could be around that. As you explore some of the other subjects, you can see if other parts of history interest you. You don’t need to know everything in history, sometimes it’s enough to know more about a topic you like and let someone else talk about the subjects they like. Asking questions of other people is a great way to learn.

      6. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Seriously, dig the … for Dummies books. There’s one for just about any topic and they should be at your local library (so, like, if you feel self-conscious you don’t have to put it on your credit card or your Amazon history, and no librarian will judge). There’s even a Canadian History for Dummies that I can personally recommend as an excellent overview that hits all the points you’d need to be able to understand historical references in conversation.

        1. Mimmy*

          I second the For Dummies books!! If I’m curious about something, I’ll look to those first – I like them because they explain things in a way that’s easy to understand. They also make use of lists and tables, which I personally find helpful.

      7. Not A Manager*

        Specifically in terms of science, I would start with the old children’s series Magic School Bus. You can watch the episodes or read the books. They’ll give you a rudimentary but fun sense of various science topics. More important, they’ll give you a starting point for “what don’t I know” and then you can follow up on topics that interest you.

        You could do that in other areas as well. Find good media aimed at, say, middle schoolers (or even younger) just to get a broad overview of the topic, and again, to find out what information you’re missing. Then you can always follow up with more sophisticated material.

        Wikipedia is your friend. Googling “American political system” results in the wikipedia page “politics of the United States.” You can read the article, but also follow the hyperlinks to other topics. Most articles have citations at the bottom, so you can find more in-depth sources. You’ll also be able to then google whatever new terms/concepts you’ve found, and follow up on those.

        Depending on how you learn best and what kind of learning time you have, I like the lectures that are sold by The Teaching Company. I’ve never watched their videos, but they have a lot of downloadable college-level lectures that you can listen to, say, on your commute. You do have to pay for these, but mostly they are by excellent lecturers who speak well. They always have an “on sale” section as well.

      8. Anonforthis*

        I recommend searching for “Crash Course” and “SciShow” on YouTube. They have fun short, but super informative, videos on history, politics, and science, and they’re fun to watch!

        For history, what’s important is super subjective, and people have very different interpretations of various historical events, so it’s hard to give a blanket suggestion. If you live in the U.S., people frequently reference WWII, the Vietnam War, the Civil Rights Movement, and most recent Wars in Afghanistant, the Iraq War, and the counterrorism efforts in general. Like I mentioned in a previous comment, I’m currently trying to learn more about the U.S. Civil War because I know nothing!

        I know nothing about investments and am trying to learn that too.

      9. OyHiOh*

        CIA’s World FactBook is an EXCELLENT resource, given you work for a multinational. Back when I first discovered it, it was still a annual paperback publication in the .gov resource section of the library but now the entire database is free, online, and fully searchable.

        It covers basics – where this place is in relation to other nearby places, flags, physical geography, economics and political systems, ethnic information, languages, transportation . . . . . . if you need a 5 to 8 page summary, go there first. You won’t be an expert on country of choice but treat it like a dictionary. Don’t understand the brief description of a country’s economic model? Look up the key words related to brief description.

      10. Koala dreams*

        I had history all through school, and I still find there are so many gaps in history knowledge. Also, what’s considered relevant history differs so much from culture to culture. Try to find some podcasts, I find podcasts are an excellent way of learning. For books, I recommend you to look at an atlas of world history. If you have access to a library, ask there.

        For economy stuff, I recommend Talking to My Daughter about the Economy: A Brief History of Capitalism by Yanis Varoufakis. It’s a book, and I’ve also seen it as a theatre.

      11. curly sue*

        My kids have been binging a youtube channel called Overly Sarcastic Productions — they do short animated videos (some cursing, but mostly sfw) about classic literature and world history, with a lot of context packed in to the clips. They’re flippant and very entertaining, and my grade-school kids can now tell you all about the Odyssey and Iliad, the story of Beowulf, and a huge amount about Greek / Egyptian / Japanese mythology (among others). It’s not a bad way to get quick coverage of a lot of material so that you can select topics and books that intrigue you for deeper digs.

    2. Jaid*

      Best: Being home with my cat for the week.

      Worst: Being home because I am sick with a cold/mild flu and having to spend fifty bucks on urgent care for a doctors note for work.

    3. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: new apt, almost our dating anniversary
      Worst: gastroparesis, taxes taking over $1k
      which I had to take from our future kids fund, and waiting till March 2020 to begin thinking about kids bc hubs has cc debt from bailing out his unemployed mom when she lost her job….which means delaying our latter part of the honeymoon till next year #tryingnottobebitter

      Silver lining: indoors time painting watercolors of all the places I’ve never been, and extra time reading “What to Expect Before You’re Expecting.” Plus us being in a much better place than 4 years ago for kids (stability, mentally, financially..)

    4. Mimmy*

      BEST: Passed my certification exam!!!

      WORST: Nothing really…it’s been one of my better weeks. If anything, the snow makes me a little unhappy.

    5. Environmental Compliance*

      Best: just purchased a new car for the first time!

      Worst: it’s too cold to go trail riding and actually enjoy it. Half the time the gate’s frozen shut with the mud, so I’ve been only able to go out ridiculously bundled up, brush my gelding a little bit around his blanket, give him a couple treats, and call it a day. (There’s a work related worse Worst, but that’s work, not personal.)

    6. Cute Li'l UFO*

      BEST: Got a job at a place I’ve wanted to work at doing work I love which means I have my soul back and I get to wear my favorite work clothes out of the house! I told my sweetheart that a completely unofficial metric of if I like a job is if they’re worthy of me showing up in some weird item of ready-to-wear. I’ve always shown up in professional, appropriate attire but it’s the little things, like wearing a coat that resembles quilted fiberglass insulation.

      WORST: This quashed my plan to consign some of the stuff I cleared out during the week as it’s easier to unload everything during the weekday. Really small issue here, though. :)

  87. Rebecca*

    Mom Blog – “WE NEED A SHREDDER!!”

    I was watching a movie on TV in the basement** the other night, it was after 9 PM, I was tired, and Mom yelled down the steps “Rebecca, are you down there??” I told her I was, so she came down, walked into the middle of the room, and demanded that I turn the channel to QVC right away. I asked her why, as this is not an infrequent thing, and she started going on about a shredder they were selling that cross cut sensitive documents into tiny pieces (she illustrated with her thumb and index finger) so THEY can’t go through your garbage, take the shreds, and put the papers back together. I said, I have a shredder, it cuts things up small, but not that small, but you just stir the confetti around and no one is going to be able to reassemble it, past maybe the CIA.

    She flat out said, the one they’re selling is better, yours isn’t good enough, and I have all this stuff to get rid of in this house. I’m sick of using that black roller thing to black out my name and address, why, there are people who go through the garbage to get your information to steal your identity!

    At this point, I nearly lost it, and flat out said, I used that shredder for years. It’s out in the garage, so I guess I’ll just get rid of it since it’s clearly no good. (she’s never used it or seen the shreds) And no, I’m not turning on QVC, they’re trying to scare you into buying something. She asked me what address, besides our PO box, she should use, and I wouldn’t tell her. She got really angry at me, muttered and carried on about identity theft, THEM, and I didn’t understand, and went back upstairs. As she was going up the steps, I told her I was sick of her treating me like a child, and acting like I know nothing about anything, because up until 6 months ago, I had managed to be on my own.

    So, the next day when I got home from work, I shredded the checks the bank sent me with my old name (replacement checks with my birth name, finally), and showed her the results. I said “oh, this is what my shredder does – and I’m going to put the cat litter scoopings on top of it, then toss it in the garbage”. She said nothing. I mean, there are tiny strips maybe 3/16″ across and an inch and a half long – thousands of them – and yes, someone with enough time could lay them out, scan them, maybe put together a computer program to reassemble them, but for what? No run of the mill criminal is going to do that, and face it, she’s not that important that people are stalking our garbage can on Thursday mornings to dig around for “documents”.

    So, I’m not bringing this up again. If she wants to spend north of $100 for a shredder, she can, but I’m not having any part of it. The one I have would work for what she needs, but because she is right, and because she knows everything about everything, she refuses to even try it or entertain the notion that it might work.

    And, she’s having “bowel” issues, as in, either running to the bathroom and sometimes not making it, or being constipated and miserable. I pointed out that she eats a lot of artificial sweeteners, even though she’s not diabetic, overweight, or anything like that, and that sorbitol and sucralose can cause issues. I said, maybe if you wrote down what you eat, when you eat it, and then when you have issues, you can find a trigger or cause? She replied by being nasty “I know how to do that, I’m well aware of how food elimination works”. I said, I know, I’m just trying to help because you seem upset by this and I’m sure not feeling well isn’t fun. She’s even said she doesn’t want to leave the house because of this.

    Honestly, she tires me out and I cannot wait until I can find another living situation. I think I’m just going to stop interacting with her, if she complains, I’ll just say, oh, it sounds like you had a bad day, and leave it at that.

    **I realized how sad it is that I spend a good deal of my time watching TV alone in my mother’s basement. Sighs.

    1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      sending hug. I can’t imagine how difficult it is – mine tries hard to get along, and still gets on my nerves. I realize (thank you friend that pointed this out) that it is not good that right now I’m my mom’s only daily relationship. I’m just constitutionally not cut out to carry my own water AND any one else’s emotionally… at least, not right now. She misses her friends, her church, her support network (Not, however, the polar vortex… )

      Looking ahead to sunnier days hiking, being outside. And being able to shred more stuff with your old name on it

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Her goal is to tire you out.
      I am not surprised about the bowels not working, she has that “constipated personality”.

      I hope you can see that this is more about her own deterioration than it is about you. You just happen to be very handy. I can also say that just because a person is elderly and/or sick that does not give them license to be abusive. She is building her own trap here. A person who is too difficult to get along with or to stubborn to do basic life functions eventually needs professional care in a closed environment. So what I am saying here is she is hastening her own path to the nursing home. That is what this is.
      She is lucky so far that you keep putting up with it. At some point her attitude/anger is going to interfere with her quality of life to such an extent that she will need medical intervention. I think I mentioned frying pan/fire. She’s a real fire.

      1. Lora*

        YES re: hastening her path to the nursing home.

        If my mother (who sounds like your mom’s long lost sister) had not been so full of absolute rage and fury at literally everything I did and everything around me including my house and pets, and at her doctors, she probably would have stayed out of assisted living for years to come. She’s physically relatively healthy: can walk, feed herself, dress herself, bathe herself, is actually relatively strong for a 76-year-old, can move (and destroy) furniture if she’s in the right mood. Her brain is just not only broken, it’s angry and miserable all the time.

        Weirdly, it’s really really directed at me. She’s sweet as pie to the other assisted living residents. At least to their faces, she bitches about them behind their backs.

        Something about these women who seem to just hate their daughters. I don’t know, I don’t get it.

        1. Pistachio*

          It’s terrible to feel like your mother dislikes you, isn’t it? I’ve felt this way all my life and I think it’s jealousy, at least in my case. I was very close to my mother’s mother and I think she resented our relationship. Now I’m in a good and supportive marriage and my mother is not. She also has health issues which have taken away opportunities from her. She’s not as mean as some of the mothers described here but she’s definitely on her way. She makes passive aggressive comments and is very stubborn. She also dotes on my brothers (and even my husband) more than me. And she wonders why I never call. Between the comments and her just complaining about everything it’s just too much negativity for me. I also just recently came to the conclusion that there’s no point in trying to help when she complains because she would rather be miserable than seek solutions. So when we do speak I just say a lot of “that sucks”. She probably thinks I don’t give a shit and honestly after all these years I don’t. My brother is a lot like her and complains about the things she does when he does the same exact things. Their lack of self awareness is astounding!

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah. I don’t get it either.
          I have read books about mother-daughter relationships and that was helpful.
          But after years of thinking and searching I have only found two things that I hold on to:

          1)If we want to figure out why our parents behave the way they do we have to look at their lives. This means going back before we were born and figuring out what they were doing and seeing. Sometimes we can find appalling struggles.

          2) A social worker told my aunt, “They push away the ones they love the most first.” I add to that, sometimes they see, “I am going to have bad behavior and I do not want you near me.I am losing control of me. I will push you to safety so that I don’t hurt you.”
          And other times they know their lives are winding down and they want to see us launched in our own lives as independent from them.

        3. Same*

          I had the same situation with my mother who I took care of for 2.5 years. So much bitterness and angry toward me for not putting my life on hold and focusing on her 24/7. My marriage, friendships, pets, etc. were a source of consternation for her, they were in the way of my being solely focused on her. I finally had to ask her to leave my home, I couldn’t take it anymore. We never spoke again after that, she had become not only abusive, but threatening to my livelihood (long story) and it just wasn’t worth my emotional energy to put up with her nonsense. She passed a few months ago. I have no regrets that we were estranged.

      2. Rebecca*

        Oh this is so true! She is building her own trap! I’ve talked to my daughter about this, and we both agree on that point. She should be looking for different housing, like assisted living, but I don’t think she’s even made a phone call or sent for information. She doesn’t use the internet, won’t learn how to use Google (aside, my late father loved “The Google” as he put it and I taught him how to look things up, and how to use a smart phone – mom has a flip phone and is still flummoxed by it.) I heard her on the phone the other day telling someone she wants a one floor separate unit with a 2 car garage. OK, then you need to make some phone calls, get information, and do it! I can’t even get her to throw anything away or get rid of the endless crap that she’s hoarded away over the years. She’s so cheap she wants to put out 1 can of garbage every 2 weeks, so that means very little can be thrown away. And she has the money, that’s not the issue. It’s cheapness, through and through.

        She has to have such total control over every single thing – and if she goes to a facility, she is going to freak out – she’ll have to eat what they give her, her clothes will be washed industrially all together, and there will be noises. I hope for her sake that doesn’t happen. She is the least adaptable person I know.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My wise friend used to say that the more rigid people are then the closer to death they are. Rigid people are frightened by everything. Every change is a threat to them. Why. Because they know themselves to be very fragile and very vulnerable to being harmed.

          So, yes, everything is WW III. Every. single. damn. thing.

          Cheapness. I know of someone who had a net worth of just over 7 digits. She refused to eat a lot at the nursing home so they would not bill her so much for her stay there. No amount of reasoning with this person could change her mind. She was going to skip food to lower her nursing home bill. No one can fix this.

          Please consider that we cannot protect people from their own selves. If you try too hard to protect her from herself then YOU will become injured (physically, financially or psychologically). Do not allow yourself to become injured. If she ends up in a facility freaked out they will handle that. Probably with medication, as that is the current thing.

          The last time I saw my mother alive she was in a straight jacket. Those were legal then. I had to deliberately decide a few things:
          –I did not cause her fate.
          –I could not prevent her fate.
          –I do not have to have the same fate.

          So then I looked at how could I change my life, in light of all I have seen. My mother was a “What Not to do Guide Book for Life” so this was easy to find lots of things to chose from: healthy foods, hydration, moderate exercise, hobbies/interests, friendships. volunteer work etc. She did NONE of these things then wondered why her life sucked. With this insight I was launched on a way different path. Oddly, I am not sure if she had taught me to do these things I would have done them. But I learned ignoring all these aspects of life comes at a very high price. The ultimate price: we totally lose our quality of life.

        2. Anon for this*

          Your mother and my mother are very similar. She hoards, she won’t learn how to use the Internet, cannot use her dumb phone (there’s nothing wrong with her brain! She just thinks she shouldn’t have to learn technology!) She has made many choices in her current living situation that limit her ability to ever receive help from anyone other than me, and will not make different choices. She’s terrified of ID theft too and used to ask me all the time, “Can you go online and see if anyone has stolen my identity?” Uh, no, mom, but if you want I can pull up your credit card statement and look for purchases that aren’t yours? “NO NO NO I need you to go online and see if anyone’s STOLEN MY IDENTITY.” Yeah….. that’s not how the Internet works. But she wouldn’t believe me.

          We no longer speak, for many reasons, mainly the constant negativity, constant refusal to take any step to help herself, and constant vomiting of all her negative emotions onto me and treating me as if I am not a person but, I dunno, a sponge to soak up all her anger and terror? I spent the past 10 years (since a health crisis that she recovered from and is now fine) propping her up emotionally and at some point I just broke. I couldn’t take it any more.

          The hardest thing for me has been to accept that I cannot change her, I cannot make her happy because deep down she wants to be miserable, and that it is OK to tend to my mental health before I tend to hers. I still struggle with that last one. Anyway, I understand and I’m so sorry.

          1. Rebecca*

            Thank you for sharing this. I know it’s not any comfort, but at least I know I’m not the only one in this situation. I remember looking at my friend’s mothers and thinking, oh, I wish my mom would be like you!

    3. tangerineRose*

      I think you and Nervous Accountant’s mom should switch places. That way the 2 moms could be together and irritate each other, and you could both live in peace.

      1. valentine*

        #genius What happened to birds of a feather?

        Rebecca, I don’t think she cares about the shredder or whatever else she bangs on about, or at least vanquishing her evil of the day isn’t her primary objective. She wants to interact with you negatively, for whatever nefarious purpose. If you grey-rock her, maybe she’ll deflate sooner, though she may ramp up her attempts and amount of topics in an extinction burst. Unless she enjoys the trips there, I think the basement is your friend.

        Before you moved back in, did she used to call someone to rant? Maybe you could redirect her to them. (I hope it wasn’t you!)

        1. Rebecca*

          I think my poor Dad was the recipient of this nonsense, but he passed away in April 2017. I stepped in to help her after that, moved out of my house and filed for divorce in Sept 2017, then moved in with her last Sept after spending nearly a year at my friend’s house. She’s so annoying that I set her ring tone to The Imperial March from Star Wars, and I picture Darth Vader when it rings. I know she talks to some people on the phone, but not a lot (no wonder!!), does not go to visit people, no one visits here, in fact, since I’ve been here in the last 6 months we’ve had 1 visitor, and that was someone traveling through that was a friend of Dad’s. If I want interaction, I leave and go out – she is so fussy about everything that I don’t even bother asking if anyone wants to come over.

          I think you’re right – she just wants to whine and complain. She has it so easy, a very comfortable life compared to many, and she won’t see it.

    4. Anona*

      That’s so hard! I had a hard time when I moved back in with my parents. I hope you can leave soon. For me that was the only solution. It’s challenging having parents/children live together as adults. I was able to be much kinder/more understanding once I moved out. Maybe until then, minimize the time you spend together as much as possible?

      1. Rebecca*

        I’m fortunate that my bedroom and bathroom are on the second floor, and she doesn’t like to navigate the steps, so I can usually escape up here or go to the basement and watch TV to avoid her. I also go on walks, go to town, things like that. So I don’t have to spend every minute I’m not at work in the same room with her. I’m an only child, so I’m it as far as support is concerned, and honestly, it’s easier for me to be here than to have her calling all the time, having to drive 5 miles to come here to do one little thing, then leave again. The phone calls are the worst.

    5. Batgirl*

      This is my partner’s mother to a tee, right down to the ‘stop what you’re doing right now and pay attention to me’ commands. She also adores QVC because her particular combination of ill health + benefits have made her well off and bored. She loves having something to fret about, particularly if it can be solved with a purchase.
      We ‘re staying with parents while we house hunt and I can’t wait to get him out of there.
      He has a couple of genius moves though:
      – Information diet. If he told her about stuff she would fret, and also buy him things. He would keep his shredder a state secret and let his mother buy her own.
      – No attention, not even negative attention when she’s demanding it. In your example that would be “Excuse me, bathroom break, but here’s the remote”. He tries to catch up with her another time, on his terms.
      – Bluntness. “I don’t want to hear about that” or “I am going out because you’re being unpleasant ”
      – He treats her shopping habits as the entertainment it is and ignores her phrasing it as ‘problems’ ‘issues’ or ‘we have to’ or ‘we need it’. Nor does he argue with it as that’s part of her entertainment. He just says he’s happy without one but ‘happy shopping’ then when she moans more about ‘problem’ he says ‘hope you find one you like soon’ + sharp exit.

      1. Rebecca*

        This is really good. I have to realize that (1) I can’t fix any of this and (2) her weirdness is not my weirdness and (3) this is only temporary.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
      Just from your description, it sounds like your mother needs a thorough physical exam. She sounds like her anxiety is out of control. When my grandmother moved into a nursing home (due to a broken hip), they quickly put her on anti-anxiety meds. The staff recognized her out-of-control behavior that we, her family, thought was personal. My poor mother got the brunt of grandma’s anxiety tirades for years until the nursing home happened.
      I hope things change for you sooner.
      Is there any way you can get some kind of weekly care started for her now – on any level? Get her focus off you some. There has to be a helpline for those of us who are struggling with a difficult elder who truly needs help.
      Sending hugs.

      1. Rebecca*

        Thanks for this :) Mom has a prescription for Ativan, and she filled it, but it’s the smallest dose, .5 mg, and she refuses to take it on an ongoing basis. She might take one if she wakes up and can’t get back to sleep for hours. She has anxiety and she doesn’t sleep, so this just adds to her meanness and miserable behavior. If she takes 3 or 4 pills per month, I’d be surprised. Honestly, I think she should take them every day like the doctor prescribed, but she won’t. And she won’t tell him, and I’m not permitted to go with her. So – she is digging her own hole here, and I need to recognize this. I think I’m going to my daughter’s house this weekend to get away for a bit. It will feel good!

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I’m sorry you’re having to go through all this. That’s a great idea to take breaks by staying with your daughter periodically. While you can’t change your mother, you can take care of yourself as best you can.

  88. Anon Anon Anon*

    Thank you to everyone who recommended Daniel Ortberg / Dear Prudence. I’m a fan!

    I really like advice columns, and giving advice. If I started one, how would I grow a readership, and could I remain anonymous (using a psuedonym)?

  89. Can I Be Friends With Both?*

    I have a friend (A) who has a lifelong struggle with anxiety and depression but seems to have found meds that work for them because lately they’ve been happy and comfortable every time I’ve seen them. I also have a friend (B) who tends to host parties for everyone, including friend A. Before they found the right medication, friend A was often really irritable at these parties thrown by friend B and I think it gave B a bad impression. For example, friend A is vegan and I think B felt like they were judging them for serving non-vegan snacks. Friend A has stopped coming to parties and I thought they had just decided they didn’t want to come, but last time I saw friend A, they made a comment about how it’s too bad friend B doesn’t host parties anymore. I felt icky staying silent, but saying “actually, they still host them, they just think you’re a pretentious killjoy and don’t invite you anymore” wouldn’t have felt any better, especially because I can’t say for certain that’s the reason. This feels childish but also not mine to fix. But doesn’t friend A deserve to know the way they acted previously has given someone they consider a friend a bad impression? How do I navigate this situation while keeping the trust of both friends? Is it even possible?

    1. Anon Anon Anon*

      I would say something to B in A’s defense but without betraying A’s privacy. Let A come up naturally in a conversation with B and then say something vague yet accurate like how A is doing a lot better after going through a rough time and is having more fun socializing.

      I wouldn’t tell A about not being invited. I think that would only be hurtful, especially because it’s a misunderstanding and related to a medical thing.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I don’t think you can be subtle here. If you’re good enough friends with B to say something, ask them if they’d consider giving A another invite. It sounds like A was a bit of a pain but not offensive enough to be banished, as it were. You can say that you know that A could sometimes be a bit difficult, but they seem to be in a better place now, and you know they really enjoyed the parties.

      I wouldn’t say anything to A about it either way.

    3. Lissa*

      To your username you can definitely be friends with both! But I’d just let it go. Sometimes people don’t get on with each other, and you can speculate about why B isn’t a big fan of A, but at the end of the day it could just be B isn’t a fan of A and that’s OK. I totally get why you want to intervene here especially because you think you might be able to fix it but honestly – i think there are SO many ways this could go sideways I would just let it be. Not everyone will like everyone and that’s OK!

      1. valentine*

        Yes, stay out of it. B is free. Let them stay free. (Of whatever it was, even if it no longer exists.) Let the streams remain separate and enjoy them as you may. If they ask you about each other, say, “You’ll have to ask A/B.” Otherwise, if they want to reconnect, they can do that without you, so don’t assign yourself the role of mediator or cruise director.

      2. Washi*

        Agreed. I would recommend looking up “geek social fallacies” online, whether or not you consider yourself a geek. I think you might find all 5 helpful to read about!

        Basically it wouldn’t be ok for B to be mean about A’s anxiety but it’s ok for B to not invite A to parties. And those two things are not the same.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In a situation where I was B – I cut A off because of years of bad behavior of varying types. For the next two years, not only did mutual acquaintances occasionally pester me to give A another chance, but A kept trying to get mutuals to bring him to my gatherings “as a surprise to (me).” If anyone had asked him, A had no clue as to why I cut him off. But part of the problem was that I had brought up all the problems to him multiple times and nothing was changing. So if he truly didn’t know, it wasn’t because nobody had told him anything was wrong – he had just opted not to listen.

      Point being – you don’t actually know what’s passed between your A and B. Trust your friends to handle their own interactions, and assume that they have reasons for doing what they do. Getting involved could backfire on you.

      1. Can I Be Friends With Both?*

        Well, I don’t really think that’s fair to A in this case. B definitely did not address their problems with A, they complained to others that A showed up early to parties and then continued to say to their face that it was fine. They also still see A everyday at lunch and give A the impression they are friends.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I’m changing my advice. If A and B are still spending significant time together, then B has ample opportunity to observe A’s behavior and demeanor. If they’re still not inviting A to stuff, then that’s because they don’t want to.

          I’m sensing that your feeling is less “B is wrong not to invite A” and more “I feel awkward because A seems to think they are closer friends with B than I think they are.” I understand why it’s difficult to hear A chatter on about their bestie B who no longer throws parties, but I think you have to put up with it.

          It’s true that A’s feelings might be hurt if they discover that the parties are ongoing, they haven’t been invited, and you knew about them all along. The more you detach yourself now from A’s conversation about B and B’s lack of parties, the easier it will be to say, “I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt, but I can’t control B’s guest lists and you’ll need to talk to B about how you’re feeling.”

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Well, you kinda left all that out the first time through the story. :P

          In that case, you want to stay out of it because apparently B is not overly interested in being straightforward with people and you may find yourself next on the receiving end if you start sticking your nose in. (But I stand by my original statement that you don’t necessarily know the full extent of what’s passed between them.)

        3. fposte*

          They are still friends. They’re just not inviting-to-parties friends anymore. That’s okay.

          I think that opinions can diverge pretty strongly on whether friendships are allowed to drift without explicit conversations. I’m on the “yes” side of that, and I think most of us in practice are too–we don’t keep every friend we’ve ever made in life and we don’t have an official conversation with them when we drift. I certainly don’t think B owes A an exit interview that identifies the behaviors that led to the drift, and I think even people who dislike unexplained drift would agree with that.

          Nonetheless, maybe B isn’t handling this the way you want her to. If that means you reevaluate your friendship with B, that’s fine, and I don’t think you need to tiptoe around the topic of B with A if you don’t want to.

        4. Washi*

          It’s not great that B complained about A to others but that is completely separate from whether B is obligated to have some sort of State of the Friendship convo with A. As fposte says, I don’t think friends are obligated to identify issues explicitly to let the relationship change.

          And the anxiety info might not change things the way you think it would. At least for me, my anxiety goes up and down, sometimes due to my management and sometimes other factors. It’s great that A is doing well, but it’s not like A can promise they’ll never go through a difficult period again. What happens if you say something to B and then A goes through a rough patch? B may actually be making the best choice for their and your friendship by simply not putting themselves in a situation where they haven’t historically enjoyed A’s company, and sticking with things like lunch where they do.

          1. fposte*

            And it’s not established that B distanced from A because of anything related to the anxiety behavior in the first place, so even if A has improved on that part it doesn’t mean that B automatically will want to socialize with her.

            And this gets into kind of uncomfortable territory. “Fergus was only handsy when he’s drinking, and now he’s sober. I’m sure he won’t grab your boob any more. Could you invite him to parties again?” B’s response to A remains valid and actionable even if A no longer exhibits that behavior; she gets to not like A as much forever based on what she did. It’s not like the default obligation is inclusion and she needs a reason to deviate from that.

            She shouldn’t be talking to other people about A, and if you feel like you’re being put in the middle that’s not cool. And if you’re still really fond of A it can be hard to see her getting less out of a friendship than she’d like. But B gets to stop inviting A, no matter what her reasoning.

    5. PX*

      Im also on team stay out of it. Sometimes you have friends who dont like your other friends. Regardless of whether B’s issues were caused by A’s anxiety or depression, it might be B just doesnt like A at all, and has decided to do the right thing by not having them in their life. Thats the way things go sometimes.

      The key to this is to stay neutral whenever these things come up and try not to get sucked into talking too much about the other person. You can say something non-commital or give an observation about your personal experience with the relevant person, and then swiftly move the conversation on. Anything else is leading straight to drama-ville!

      1. Can I Be Friends With Both?*

        Oh they’re still in each other’s lives, they eat lunch together at work (same building, different companies). It’s easy to think ok, you just don’t like that person so let’s change the subject. It’s harder to do that when the other person doesn’t have any idea why the subject would need to be changed. That’s what I can’t get over, one party doesn’t even know there’s something to dance around. To them, they are good friends with someone who, due to life circumstances, just can’t hang out like they used to and why wouldn’t that be okay to talk with mutual friends about? It feels like I’ve been pulled into a middle school clique and I hate it.

        1. Lissa*

          If they still hang out it could be that B figured that A was a cool friend to have at lunch, but didn’t do parties well – I absolutely have friends like this, where I stay away from certain activities with them because (from my pov) those activities bring out the worst in people I otherwise like. Some people are better one on one. Others should never be within 100 feet of a competitive board game.

          I get that it’s awkward, but the tone of your replies seems to suggest that you think B is behaving badly and pulling you into a clique just by not inviting A to parties, and that she should’ve handled it differently? It’s too bad that you feel awkward, and if you were very close to B it might be worth bringing it up just as a “hey, how would you like me to handle this?” thing but I think you’d have to be careful not to let your feeling that B is doing something wrong come out if your goal is to minimize drama. But I think I just disagree that not inviting someone is middle shool clique-ish.

          1. Can I Be Friends With Both?*

            I’m fine with them not being friends, my resentment comes from the fact that B addressed how to handle it already and the attitude was “if it comes up, lie to them, but it’s not like you’ll have the opportunity because who would hang out with them 1-on-1 lol”

    6. Indie*

      I wouldn’t feel icky. It’s textbook ettiquette to not mention events to the uninvited.
      If you have a good anecdote which displays Friend A’s new zest for life, I’d share it with Friend B: you could add “Its her new medication!” (So long as they wouldn’t mind that). But once Friend B is informed, stay out of it.
      If friend A finds out about your tact, just say “I’m sorry, I just thought you were declining invitations. When you mentioned it I was surprised” (This will stress that her exclusion isn’t an obvious thing or a talking point).

    7. Leukothea*

      You can host something and invite them both. I have quite a few friends who don’t like each other, and they’re never going to, and that’s ok.

      1. Can I Be Friends With Both?*

        That’s definitely my plan. I’m just bad at keeping the house clean for a party :)

    8. Jen in Oregon*

      My guess is that Friend A knows, or at least suspects, that Friend B is still hosting parties and that they are no longer invited. It’s very possible that Friend A is putting you into this uncomfortable position in order to try to get you to plead their case without coming right out and asking you to do so.

      I realize that this is an ungenerous take on the situation, and could very well be wrong, but for Friend A to assume that Friend B just stopped having parties rather than contemplate that Friend A’s own boorish behavior might’ve come across as obnoxious enough to warrant being struck from the guess list is pretty self absorbed.

      Quite honestly, I think it would be a nice thing if you could say something to Friend B. Not to go to bat for Friend A, but to give B a heads up that Friend A is trying to have this conversation with people and eventually this is going to be brought up, and that way Friend B isn’t put on the spot and caught flat-footed. If I were Friend B, I would take the bull by the horns and say something to Friend A along the lines of “I still have parties, but you seemed to not have enjoy yourself at them at all, and quite frankly some of the comments you made to me about how I host really made me angry/upset/irritated, so I stopped inviting you. I still like you, and enjoy hanging out at work, but I don’t want to put any pressure on either of us by resuming that dynamic”

      1. Can I Be Friends With Both?*

        Friend A isn’t actually assuming here, that’s what B told them and told everyone else to tell them too. Friend B had a big life event recently and while it doesn’t seem to have affected their life/ability to host, that’s what A thinks is causing the schedule change because that’s what B told them.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Do you want to be friends with both of them, or don’t you? B sounds like kind of a jerk, and A sounds like they sometimes behave badly. All you can control is yourself.

          If you want to be friends with both, then don’t get drawn into these conversations, and don’t tell lies. If you don’t want to be friends with someone who’s a jerk, and/or you don’t want to be friends with someone who sometimes behaves badly, then those are valid choices too.

          1. Jen in Oregon*

            Yeah, taking back my advice and agreeing with Not a Manager that B sounds like a jerk.

    9. Zona the Great*

      “But doesn’t friend A deserve to know the way they acted previously has given someone they consider a friend a bad impression?”

      While I understand where you’re coming from, in general, no. It’s really not my business what others think of me and that thought process has freed me of lots of hurt feelings. It would help your friend.

  90. Elizabeth West*

    Anyone have any tips for managing a hamstring injury? The doctor wouldn’t be much help because he can’t do anything; he’d just want me to see a physical therapist and my poors program card won’t cover that. It only covers what they can do in the office and the lab.

    I’m fine lying down (and walking around, go figure), but sitting in a chair is problematic, and forget about sitting on my meditation cushion. Typically, I stack my buckwheat zafu on top of one of the firmer ones my sangha has and sort of kneel, with my feet pointing out like a frog. I have a similar arrangement at home. It’s the perfect height to not hurt my back and the softer cushion on top lets me roll forward a little if necessary, to keep my spine aligned.

    I tried it again this week, thinking I’d be able to manage it, but within ten minutes I had to get up and go find a chair. It was annoying. And painful. And sitting in the chair hurt. Are there any stretches or anything that could help?

    Thanks in advance!

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’ve had good luck seeing a physical therapist for one visit and getting some exercises that I can do at home. Sometimes they have a reasonable “cash” rate, and then your stretches and whatnot would at least have some expertise behind them.

      I can’t suggest any stretches, but if it were me I’d try to ice at least twice a day, 20 minutes on and 20 minutes off for several rounds.

    2. Madge*

      Check out “physical therapy video” on YouTube and see if they’ve covered your problem. They’re Bob and Brad, two physical therapists with a practice in MN, I think. Their advice seems pretty good, matched what I was told by my PT for a different issue.

    3. Jersey's mom*

      Go to my “health Alberta ca” website and look up hamstring physical therapy. It’s got excellent explanations on the correct way to do PT and photos. Many of the exercises are ones I did when I was recovering from knee surgery.

      Protip, if you have a full length mirror, do exercises in front of it. Form is everything with PT. You’ll find yourself doing a lot more self corrections.

      You can usually find a cheap mirror in a cheap frame at larger dept stores.

      Good luck and do two sets of stretches each day. It’s not pleasant, but it will work!! Also, icing after stretches is your best friend….trust me on that!

      1. Effie, who gets to be herself*

        Seconding the icing! Try to ice 20 minutes, twice a day right now. Once in the morning, once at night.

    4. fposte*

      I think it’s worth considering a PT to confirm it’s a hamstring injury, too. Pain in the hamstring area can be piriformis, it can be spinal nerves, etc. PT would help with pretty much all of the likely suspects, but if you’re focused on the wrong one it probably won’t help much.

      If you do have a tennis ball or can get a cheap rubber ball (I got a bag from Walgreens for a buck) you could try sitting on it and rolling around on the leg; loosening the hamstrings and external rotators up is likely to be helpful no matter what the source is.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh it definitely is the hamstring. I hurt it my last day at the ice rink in 2016. This is a re-injury caused by–falling on the ice, LOL.

        I’ve got a pool noodle I could use as a foam roller.

  91. Monkey in the Middle*

    My two roommates are fighting over stupid stuff that could be easily resolved if they just had a straight-forward conversation but they’d rather be passive aggressive to each other instead. AND they keep trying to pull me into the middle of it. Grow up and work it out like adults, not like whiny children!

  92. Sunflower*

    My dad has a tumor on his lung. He’s been having back pain for a few months and nothing was coming up on scans so they sent him to a pain management doctor. Eventually, they did more tests and they found the tumor. It’s contained to that area so they will remove the tumor and part of his lung and then he’ll be cancer free. No chemo. He’s lucky it was causing him pain or who knows when he would have found it. He’s in healthy, great shape besides that which makes me feel tremendously relieved.

    I’m freaking out of course. Mostly for the after effects. My dad was supposed to stop smoking 10 years ago but didn’t- he actually had to get a tumor on his tongue removed then. My sister(a nurse) says he absolutely can’t smoke anymore. I’ve been so lucky that my family has always had good health so my mind is going a million miles an hour. Has anyone here gone through something similar with a family member or close friend?

    1. fposte*

      Yup, similar thing with a relative–a tumor on the lung found during a scan for abdominal stuff, which turned out to be a rare cancer. No chemo, no radiation, just a removal of the lobe. It’s kind of surreal. My best wishes to your dad and the rest of your family.

    2. Enough*

      Not in the lung. My mother had a stroke and as they were starting a procedure on her neck her heart did a flip flop and they discovered she had a tumor in her heart. Fortunately benign But when they removed it they found it to be the size of a peach when they thought it would be the size of a peach pit. A blood clot had broken from the tumor and caused the stroke.

    3. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*

      I’ve been through something similar,specifically the issue of back pain that was lung cancer not getting recognized as such and the relative being sent to a pain specialist instead initially. The relative wasn’t a smoker though. And it wasn’t caught as quickly as in the situation you described. I’ve actually met about 3 other people who had relatives with the same thing happen in varying degrees. Inexplicable back pain can often be indicative of lung cancer. So you’re definitely not alone. I’m trying not to be too much of a bummer, but I’m glad your story sounds like it probably has a much better ending than mine.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Yes. My dad had quit smoking and 13 years later he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I don’t remember how it was found (I was an early teen then), but they took the top two lobes of one lung and he was cancer-free for the rest of his life. Recovery was tough since they took so much of one lung, but we all got through it and he was fine. No chemo or anything else needed. He still had COPD for the rest of his life, but no cancer.

      Good luck!

    5. L’il Sebastian*

      We went through something similar with my grandmother. Sadly, she had always struggled with mental health and depression issues – the smoking was a big part of it, and she simply refused to even try to stop. Would have the medical procedures, but refused to follow the doctor’s orders otherwise. She passed away almost three years ago. It was an impossible time of wanting to be with her to have more time together, but also having that be difficult as I have asthma and my son (who was an infant at the time) had a serious breathing disorder and could not be around second-hand smoke.

      Sorry this isn’t a more uplifting comment…but it does happen. If I could go back I would spend less time trying to convince her to make healthy changes and more time just talking, asking her questions about life, etc.

  93. Attending wedding dilemma*

    Daughter of long time friend will be inviting me to her wedding. Friend is very special to me and I’ve spent time with her and her family over the years and like them very much. I know that there’s a somewhat selective guest list and am honored to be included. But, the wedding is out of town, and I don’t own a car, over a holiday weekend, with an event on each of the three days Sat.-Mon. (wedding on Sun. early evening). I’m mid-50’s, single and wasn’t invited with a guest, and while I can get there by train and Uber, the various recommended hotels all require driving to get to and from all of the events, including the wedding, as well as things to do in the area. Also, although I know some of friend’s family, I expect that I’ll not know more than a few other people there, if any, and will probably spend most of the wedding by myself, not to mention the rest of the time at and in between events.
    It will probably cost me almost $1,000 for the hotel for three nights (as it’s a holiday weekend, there will probably be a three-night minimum), transportation to/from and around town and meals, not to mention a wedding gift. I’d love to be there to celebrate with my friend and her family, and between what they’ve planned and the other things to do in the area, it could be a lovely weekend, but, quite frankly, going alone for it all is just too painful, and, spending that kind of money for a long weekend alone doesn’t feel good. But how do I decline without hurting and disappointing my friend who’s been very kind and generous to me over the years?

    1. Dr. Anonymous*

      How about if you write a lovely letter declining, wishing the couple well, and send a thoughtful gift that costs a lot less than $1,000? Write your friend a warm letter with memories of the daughter growing up and how happy you are for her and that you’re sorry you can’t be there.

      1. valentine*

        If you would want to do it while spending only the wedding bits alone, is there someone you can take with you for the non-wedding bits? But it sounds like a lot, even with someone, unless that someone has a car.

    2. WS*

      Is it possible to go for just the wedding itself? There’s very likely to be AirBNB or something similar rather than just the recommended hotels, and going for the main event only will be a lot cheaper, especially if you can travel there Sunday morning and only spend Sunday night and Monday morning there.

      That said, they will be very focused on your friend’s daughter and her spouse, so I think if you decline politely and early with a thoughtful (not necessarily expensive) gift, that will be fine, and won’t hurt their feelings. You don’t need to give an excuse, but a letter talking about how much your friend and her family mean to you and wishing the daughter the best for her future would be lovely.

      1. Washi*

        Yeah, if it’s just a cost thing, I have to imagine that you could find accommodation for 1-2 nights for a lot less than $1000, especially on airbnb, which can be a lifesaver in more rural areas. A couple nights in an Airbnb and a few uber/lyft rides will still be expensive, but not hundreds and hundreds of dollars.

        But I’m getting a sense like the OP is honored to be invited but feels overwhelmed by all the arrangements to be made, and if that’s the case, it’s totally fine to decline and send a nice card/gift. It was an honor to be invited, but you can show that she is special to you too in another equally lovely way, as the commenters have suggested.

    3. Batgirl*

      Why don’t you make your own plans to celebrate with friend? Cook her a nice meal and go over the wedding pictures together. Youll hardly see her at the wedding and it will be something relaxing post-wedding for her to look forward to. I always think the after-math discussion is the best bit anyway.

    4. Anona*

      Decline and send a gift! That’s a standard thing, and though they may be disappointed, if they’re reasonable people they’ll understand. I was disappointed about many people who couldn’t attend my wedding. But that’s the nature of events- it’s impossible to plan them so everyone can come, usually. Don’t trouble yourself! It would probably be sweet to call your friend and tell them that you’re honored to be invited but can’t make it, but that’s optional.

    5. Overeducated*

      If it helps, I think it’s not that rare or rude to only go for the wedding itself when it comes to these 3 day affairs. People know not everyone can make a vacation out of it.

      But it sounds like you just want to decline, and that’s ok too, don’t give reasons, just be sincere in wishing her well.

    6. Alex*

      Reasonable people aren’t offended by politely declined invitations accompanied by warm wishes and a gift. In reality, weddings are so hectic, the people of honor don’t actually get to spend time with all the people they invited anyway. Send a heart-felt card and a nice gift, and I’m sure that will be fine.

    7. Lilysparrow*

      Unless your friend has temporarily lost her mind, she will completely understand why this trip isn’t feasible for you.

      Many wedding invitations are sent just to make sure the special guest knows they are welcome and included, that they are important to the family. If you received it in the spirit it was intended, that’s the important thing.

      Send a nice note saying you are sorry you can’t make it (no details required), you appreciate being included, and that you’ll be thinking of them on their special day & warm wishes for the marriage. And send a nice present.

      That’s all you need to do. No reasonable person would be hurt by this. Good friends don’t set up ordeals for people to “prove” their love.

    8. EHS Specialist*

      Oh — I see you’ve already planned to decline. I hope the responses are helpful.
      For our wedding in an urban area, we suggested and a hotel ~$125/night, with discount to $100/night. A few relatives stayed nearby in the rate area of $80/night or so. So my suggestion would be to see if you can get a nearby hotel at cheaper rate, or see if you truly *have* to stay 3 night minimum (it is not clear from your letter if you’ve even called the hotel yet to see about the rate). You have a few options, but if you’ve already decided to decline, that is ok, too.

    9. Attending wedding dilemma*

      Thanks all for your responses. I appreciate your support and suggestions. I was feeling pretty negative about it last night, but after reading the comments, I feel I have a few options to consider before making a final decision.

  94. Q&A Websites*

    Hi everyone,

    Does anyone know a good question and answer website that is similar to Quora?

    Thanks,

    1. fposte*

      Have you tried Ask Metafilter? I don’t hang there regularly, but I’ve seen some good answers there. It’s less focused on nominal expertise, but my snap judgment is that Quora has a veneer of reliability that the answers don’t always support, so the answers elsewhere may be no less authoritative.

  95. valentine*

    Outlook for the Web: Inbox: What’s the maximum you can permanently delete at once? Some days, I feel like the number changes. As this is my workaround for the ridiculous inability to filter to permadelete, I don’t want to delete/empty.

  96. Nervous Accountant*

    My car’s windshield is covered in a thick semi opaque substance. It starts mid-windshield, and has thick uniform streaks down. No idea what it is. Thought it may have been egged, but there were no eggshells around and the pattern doesn’t look like eggs (although I have no idea how it would be).

    Anyone ever experienced this? Wish I could post a pic so you’d get an idea.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I wish I could remember if I parked underneath a tree (bad i know!). I’ve parked in that spot many times over the years. I have never had this happen though! :(

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Push on the windshield see if it’s loose at all. I am pretty sure when I got a new windshield they used glue to hold it in place. Perhaps the glue escaped somehow?

      I would call a windshield place and see if they have heard of such a thing, if I was really worried.

    3. anon24*

      Have you parked in a parking garage lately? Sometimes water drips down onto the cars and brings lime deposits with it. If that’s the case it probably can’t be fixed. Are you sure it’s on the outside and not the inside because sometimes the dash off gases and causes slimy streaks.

      If it’s sap like another commenter suggested normal rubbing alcohol will take it off! Either wipe it with a rag soaked in it or stick alcohol soaked cotton balls to the windshield for 15 minutes and rinse well.

    4. LCL*

      What color is it? Could it be splatter from salt/deicer? Have you tried hosing it off? Don’t start with wiping it off, it could be abrasive.

      1. fposte*

        Now that is absolutely wild. What do you do if it’s snails? Do they get caught in the hood and make accidental escargots for diner?

    6. Nervous Accountant*

      Seems like it was tree sap. My brother and others recommended the rubbing alcohol and after a lot of heavy arm work, it made it slightly better. Man that was crazy.

  97. Someone Else*

    Does anyone else have anxiety about hiring service providers for your home both out of worry they’ll screw it up and be a pain to work with to get things remedied but also because you worry they’ll judge you? I keep trying to tell myself they must see all manner of things all the time and if I were capable of keeping whatever-it-is in shape on my own I wouldn’t be hiring them, but I’m finding it’s still stopping me from getting stuff taken care of, which I know isn’t smart. But procrastination is so so so easy.
    Any tips for getting out of my head?

    1. ..Kat..*

      I get good recommendations for reliable, professional service providers from Angie’s List.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      If there weren’t messy people, these services wouldn’t have a business. Please try to reframe yourself as contributing to the economy. My cleaning people may very well be judging me. They do a great job of cleaning my house and keeping their opinions to themselves, and that’s what i pay them for. If they want to have judgy thoughts about me while they scrub my toilet, I consider that part of their tip, as long as I never have to hear about it. They’re not my mom. They’re not going to ground me for not taking the trash out.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Years ago, I walked door-to-door with petitions. I have to say that at least 50% of the homes I went in were, “very well lived in”, okay, they were worse than mine.
      I fell into a blog talking about what service people actually do see in people’s houses. If you can find such a blog, you will never worry again.

      Having them screw up is more realistic a worry. Get referrals, keep track of the people who do right by you so you do not have to headhunt for that particular professional again. Ex. If you find a plumber you like keep his card handy so you know who you want to call. Finding these people does not have to be a forever problem, you can find one good one and keep that person’s service.

      Try to describe the problem as best you can over the phone. This means they will bring the right tools and/or send a particular person with that expertise.
      You don’t have to be super technical to describe the problem.
      “I turn on the faucet in the bathroom sink and NO water comes out. It worked fine yesterday and I have had no previous problems.”
      “My cable is working for my phone connection but my desktop is not able to get online.”
      “My electric stove is scaring me. There are sparks coming out of the elements in the oven.”

      The only time a service person “got mad at me” was because he discovered I had not cleaned my dryer vent. This was more about the danger of the situation than anything else. It was right after my husband died, so I just took my lumps and said, “Thanks for catching that. Yeah. I missed it.”
      People want your business. So keep that in mind.

    4. Asenath*

      For some reason, I used to have guilt when I hired a contractor because really, I should be handy and fix things myself, not living in such a run-down place, right? Wrong, actually, I don’t have the skills needed to replace windows or rotten floors. I have no intention of getting such skills, so, until I moved into a more modern place I saved up to hire contractors and told myself not to be silly.

      A relative used to feel guilty about taking advantage of cleaners by hiring them to do things she could (if she and her husband weren’t so busy) do herself. When they interviewed a potential cleaner recommended by friends, she told them they didn’t like housework, she did, and she liked getting paid for doing it. Guilt gone!

    5. Anon Anon Anon*

      You get to hire them before it becomes an emergency. You can prepare for their visit. It might still be weird, but odds are they’ve seen weirder.

      If you put it off, you could wind up having to make an emergency call, which would be far worse. And remember they’re getting paid for this. And you can look for someone who will have a mature and professional attitude about it.

  99. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

    Feeling bad about being the neighborhood jerk tomorrow!

    Predicted 5-8 inches of snowfall. Partner who normally handles such things is out of town. So I will have my (virgin) experience of the snowblower tomorrow at 5 am.

    The 5 am thing can’t be helped… I have to be to work by 7. But I do feel kinda bad…

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Also predicted overnight snowfall starting at 9 ending at 6 so no before bed possibilities…

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’m in the same boat. I don’t start my new job until next Monday, but my husband has to be to work by 7 am and has a one-hour drive. He normally leaves around 5:45, but will need to leave at least a half hour earlier, which means having the snowblower going before 5 am. Although, he’s got a 4×4 so he might just drive right through it, in which case I’ll be the lucky one to snow blow when I wake up.

  100. Cruciatus*

    Are any Pokemon Go players having issues getting Smeargle? I end up getting him every day, but it sure is a lesson in patience. The first day I had to take nearly 200 photos, 300 the next. Yesterday I got him on the FIRST PHOTO! I thought, OK, they finally figured out the issues! But today, I’m 100 photos in and still haven’t been photobombed by him. People online were talking about taking 1500 photos to get him. This can’t be what Niantic had in mind! Has anyone picked up any tips or tricks or is it really just a crap shoot?

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      I have three. Sheer bloody mindedness got me the second two. It’s highly annoying!

      I’m pretty much Team Who Needs Smeargle, Anyway?! *grumble*

    2. Book Lover*

      Just remember to switch (or at least exit) after each picture, per Niantic’s recommendations.

    3. Geezercat*

      Don’t have one yet. Not for lack of trying. Sigh

      I just want one for my dex. One. ONE. **grumblegrumblegrumble***

    4. WS*

      I’ve had three in four days, but my girlfriend hasn’t got even one yet, despite us taking about the same number of photos around the same times. It really does seem to be pure chance.

  101. Environmental Compliance*

    I just purchased my first new car! It’s a silvery sky blue Forester. What should I name her???

    (My entire family names their cars. Apparently this is not normal, but regardless the new one needs a name, lol.)

    Also….my current car was given to me by my grandma. Is it weird to be a bit sad that I’ll be trading that vehicle in?

    2. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I have always named my vehicles. I had several Toyotas in a row, they were all Margaret (from a Toyo commercial back in the 70s). My Dad’s green Chevy pick-up was Gertrude. The green Dodge pick-up was Brunhilda. The tan Ford pick-up in between never got a name. I currently drive an older silver Buick, affectionately known as The Whale.

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        I started with Rosie, a very old cream & burgundy Cierra Cutlass that was an absolute boat to drive. Then I had Gecko the bright cherry red Avenger, and then Lily the Sportage.

        I can’t remember what my mom’s named her current car, but my dad named his truck Beast (eyeroll), and my grandma named her SUV Grumpie.

        The truck I occasionally drive for work I’ve named Dusty, as the Ops team keeps him incredibly dirty & covered in mud/dust.

    3. Enough*

      Car sounds like looking forward and upward. So name it something that says uplifting or bright future to you.

    4. anon24*

      Drive her for a little bit and she’ll tell you! I have a 19 year old Honda Civic that I bought in 2009 and she’s my baby. After having her for a few months I felt strongly that she was the Li’l lady. So I got a custom sticker made for the back windshield and she’s been my Li’l lady ever since! Congrats on your purchase!

      2. Environmental Compliance*

        I keep looking at a picture of the vehicle (I won’t get her for a couple days), and I think it’s a very prim & lady-like coloration – the interior’s a light grey, and most of the cars I’ve had (with the exception of Rosie the Boat of an Oldsmobile, which had a burgundy interior) have had black. I’m thinking of some kind of flower would be a good name.

        1. WellRed*

          Maybe a blue flower name? Although, with silvery blue coloring I suddenly think Tinkerbell. No idea why.

          1. Environmental Compliance*

            Tink is perfect!!! Both from a Tinkerbell standpoint but also from a knitter’s perspective.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve never driven a car that wasn’t named. (I even name rental cars.) My previous car was Sif, because she was Mountain Mist colored and it seemed appropriate. She got totaled by a texting teenager and I found myself commenting that she was going to go ride the roads of Valhalla …. shiny and chrome. Her successor immediately became Nux the Warboy as a result.

      My husband’s new silver Civic is Maxwell, I guess after a Beatles song I’ve never heard. (I actually recommended the name with Maxwell Smart in mind, but whatever works for him :) )

      Our housemate’s car is Friday the Fiat, after Tony Stark’s post-JARVIS assistant.

      2. Wicked Witch of the West*

        The Beatles song is actually somewhat bizarre. Maxwell has a silver hammer he uses to bash people who have crossed him in the head.

    6. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I’ve only ever named 2 cars. My first car was a puke green Maverick that I named Brett and my hubby and I had a Buick Electra that we named Big Blue.
      Its been a serious disappointment to my daughter that I do not name my ‘things’ – she names her phone, etc. Haha!

    8. Basia, also a fed*

      I have a dark gray Forrester. For some reason, my co-worker dubbed her Scooby Doo when I got her, and it stuck!

    9. Sandra Dee*

      I have always named my cars. I keep them for so long, they are part of the family. My current car is a Mini Cooper Countryman, which is the largest of the Minis, therefore, his name is Max.

  102. Jaid*

    What are you reading? I read fan fiction and one crossover story (Person of Interest/Lord Darcy) was interesting enough for me to get the Lord Darcy mysteries. Those are set in an AU where Richard the Lionhearted survived, the Plantagenet line never died out and magic exists.
    If you don’t want to buy the books, you can read one of the stories at The Gutenberg Book Project… The author is Randall Garrett and the story is “The Eyes Have It”

    1. Accidental Analyst*

      That’s a blast from the past. I loved Lord Darcy Investigates and Ten Little Wizards (Michael Kurland took over the books)

    2. Kathenus*

      I got the book by Lin-Manuel Miranda about the making of Hamilton. I saw it last year and am still on awe. The book is great and gives so many insights. One of the best Christmas presents I’ve gotten.

    3. OtterB*

      Oh, I really like Lord Darcy.

      I have been rereading the Astreiant series by Scott and Barnett beginning with Point of Hopes.

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      The Lord Darcy books sound really interesting! I might have to try those…

      I just finished Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine. I loved it. It’s sad and funny and so well-written. Although I feel a bit concerned that I related to Eleanor rather a lot…

  103. WG*

    Anyone have experience with a bone stimulator for healing a broken bone? My doctor is considering prescribing one for a broken bone in my foot. Anything I should be aware of or ask?

    1. rubyrose*

      I do, but it was 20 years ago! I’m sure the technology would be better now. Way back then, I had to use it 10 hours a day, so doing it at night in bed was the best solution.

      I think the best advice I could give is to follow the instructions. Don’t think you can skip a day, or only do half the time you are supposed to do. My nephew’s future mother in law left a bad taste in my mouth when a few hours after meeting her we went to her car and she mentioned she had left hers in the car for a week because it put a crimp in her style to use it.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      A family member used one for a bad break and it seemed helpful.

      When another person was told to use a TENS unit, I asked how TENS units were similar to bone stimulators.
      The answer I got was they were the Lite Version of a bone stimulator. They do not go as deep into the body as a bone stimulator.
      I have to say I loove, love, love the TENS unit. It does help with pain also.
      Not sure if this helps a little. Based on what I have seen I would grab that opportunity of using a bone stimulator on a bad break.

      They make wireless TENS units now, maybe they make wireless bone stimulators? Decades ago family member paid 5k for the bone stimulator. We said “can you rent it?” That WAS the rental price. So pretty spendy. You might want to check to see what your insurance covers.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        We also had to get rechargable batteries and a battery charger with the TENS. It was worth it, but it’s good to be aware of these extras.

  104. anon today and tomorrow*

    Trying to file my taxes and all the online sites ask me to upgrade to the $50 version just because I have student loan interest and that’s not considered basic. So I have to pay $50 to file taxes because of $200 in interest payments.

    I’m so annoyed. What a scam.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      CreditKarma does free filing for everyone, regardless of income etc, for both state and fed.

    2. Llellayena*

      I’ve reported student loan interest for years and never had to upgrade from free. I have to start being careful because my total income is reaching the limit of some of the free programs, but never had other issues. Weird.

    3. Mellow*

      I was in the same boat (with student loan interest) but then went to the IRS website, chose a free filer for which I was qualified, filed online, and got my refund ~10 days later, completely free.

    4. KatieKate*

      Use freetaxusa instead! I got hit with the same fees and switched. 12.95 for state and free federal.

  105. Be the Change*

    Coming in super late — any care package ideas for a military sibling overseas?

    She’s extremely health conscious (no junk food) and does not want a lot of “stuff” to deal with. Bonus points for being able to order from Amazon since they ship to FPOs.

      1. Be the Change*

        Oh, that would have been useful to add… mild weather, no rain at this point.

    2. Katefish*

      You may already know this, but alcohol is definitely not allowed… Had a package get kicked due to less than 3 oz… I’d think any taste of home would be nice otherwise.

    3. Thursday Next*

      Do Kind and GoMacro bars count as junk food? I always carry one with me as an emergency snack. There are also lots of different dried fruit/nut mixes in bulk or individual servings.

    4. Max Kitty*

      A book or a puzzle book (crossword, Sudoku, logic puzzles)
      Powdered drink mix
      Tea bags
      Mints
      Travel size lotion, sanitizer
      Lip balm
      Playing cards
      Fuzzy socks

    6. Jenny F. Scientist*

      My BIL appreciated books when he was posted overseas – he passed around the 3 volumes of Game of Thrones that were out at the time. If she likes to read, something new! (If she has a kindle or something, ebooks for sure.)

  106. Anon Anon Anon*

    It’s freezing cold where I am. I decided to enjoy a day off with my dog. We took a walk in the woods and I had some fresh bread, which I warmed up in the oven, with cheese. Now he’s sleeping by the heater.

    How do you get through life as a female or non-binary creative type? Everyone seems so offended that my creative projects are my priority in life. It’s hard to make friends because most people are on the relationships/kids/traditional careers track, and other creative types tend to compete or take issue with the gender thing. I think I’m just going through a rough patch, though. I need to work harder, do more to get more of my stuff out there, and eventually I’ll find people who get me. I need to get out a bit more. I’m in an area with very traditional ideas about gender, culturally, and I’m struggling with that. I just want to be a person sharing my gifts with the world. I don’t want to be, “OMG! Someone from THAT gender is doing THIS!” or the usual, “What do you think you’re doing here? Are you just trying too hard to be cool? You need to get your priorities straight and start having kids.” So I’m going to try and find my way to the next step – a creative project that will take me to new places and new people and new things.

    Looking back, I’ve done some cool things. I feel accomplished. I’m taking today to celebrate and plan the next step.

    2. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      It’s difficult being the odd duck. But there are plenty of us who are like you! Internet is great and hopefully you can find a group to hang with. It doesn’t help with making friends there but you may find a kindred soul in your hobby–or even a dog group may have people you click with. Good luck!

    3. Mellow*

      >It’s freezing cold where I am. I decided to enjoy a day off with my dog. We took a walk in the woods and I had some fresh bread, which I warmed up in the oven, with cheese. Now he’s sleeping by the heater.

      This sounds absolutely lovely. I’m in South Florida a mile from the beach; constantly warm weather isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be (*ducks eggs thrown by those currently buried in inches of snow*).

      Meanwhile, don’t worry about what anyone else tells you about how you should live your life. Your stream of consciousness here shows that you are doing you, and that’s what matters most, especially since you aren’t causing anyone harm.

      Take heart, and be well.

  107. Amethyst*

    This is for “NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser” who asked for hints on how to make your own extracts.

    Peppermint: You need at least 2 peppermint plants. Pick the leaves at the last full week of July, before the plants start budding (discard any stems that have budded since those will be bitter if used). Wash the leaves while still on the stems & pat dry. (Make sure all the dirt has been washed off.) Pick them off one by one, tossing the stems. Keep the best leaves & discard any with brown spots, etc. Throw them into a small mason jar & fill with vodka. DO NOT leave any air in the jar–the extract will fail. Let sit in a dark cupboard for 4 months, shaking occasionally throughout. Strain out the leaves using a fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth & put into a sterilized glass container.

    Lemon & orange extracts: Peel a couple of the citrus, making sure not to get any of the pith (bitter white part of the skin). Put in a small mason jar & top with vodka. Let sit in a dark cupboard for 4 months, shaking occasionally throughout. Strain out the peel using a fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth & put into a sterilized glass container.

    Vanilla: I use Madagascar Vanilla beans to make mine as this is considered the best/gourmet for all bakers. You need a vacuum sealed package of Grade B Madagascar Vanilla beans. Cut them horizontally (NOT lengthwise) & put into a large (I use a half gallon size) mason jar. Fill with vodka. Let sit in a dark cupboard for a *minimum* of 6 months, shaking occasionally throughout. When ready, strain out the beans using a fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth & put into a sterilized glass container.

    NOTE: Vanilla improves as it ages, so the longer it sits, the better it gets. Each batch I make is aged a year before I bottle them. When I bottle my extracts for sale/gifts, I put a vanilla bean in each to continue the aging process. After the bottle has been used, the person can either make more extract by adding more vodka into the bottle & allowing it to sit, OR they can allow the bean to dry out again & put it in a container with sugar. Now you’ve got vanilla sugar to use in your baked goods! (This comes in handy for frosting/icing recipes that call for vanilla but you don’t want it tinted beige.)

    I strain out my extracts into a large 2 or 4 cup liquid measuring cup for easy pouring when I’m ready to bottle.

    To sterilize the bottle(s) you want to use for your new extracts: Wash the cap & glass bottle(s) in warm water with dish soap & allow to air dry completely. Put the bottles in a pot (I use a stock pot for this) & fill with water. Make sure the bottles are fully immersed in the water. Allow it to come to a boil & let it boil for a minimum of 20 minutes. (I wait 25-30 to be absolutely sure, but I’m just overly cautious, lol.) Take out each bottle with a pair of tongs & place on a clean paper towel. Let cool to room temperature. Put extract into bottles & cap off. You’re done!

    I’m happy to answer any additional questions if you have any. :)

    1. Amethyst*

      I use vodka because it’s a great neutral alcohol. It allows the vanilla to really shine through. But you can also use rum, bourbon, scotch, etc. to add a great depth of flavor & enhance the Madagascar Vanilla beans if you like.

      1. Rezia*

        Can I just double check that I understand what you mean by cutting the vanilla beans horizontally? You’re just cutting them in half the short way? (i.e. you end up with two pieces that are half the original bean’s length)

        And how many beans do you have in the package?
        Thanks for sharing the recipe!

        1. Amethyst*

          Yes, the short way. I cut them up into roughly 1/4-1/2 inch pieces. Grade B vanilla beans (regardless of the type–there’s a large variety out there that give you different flavors of vanilla) are HARD to cut lengthwise. Cut them horizontally & you greatly minimize your risk of slicing a finger.

          Grade A beans are best for baking.

          The ones I get from Amazon are $30, marketed as “10 NON-GMO Split Extract Grade B Madagascar Bourbon Vanilla Beans” by Vanilla Products USA. You get 10 of them per vacuum sealed package.

          Startup costs are pretty expensive, but they really do pay for themselves over time. You can reuse the beans as long as you like, but they do lose potency the longer you use them, resulting in a longer steeping time to get the same strength of vanilla you prefer.

          I haven’t had this issue, but that’s literally because I add a bean to each bottle of vanilla, & I purchase additional packages when the vanilla beans in my mason jars run low (once or twice/year, so really not that frequently).

Comments are closed.