update: my ambitious, driven self is gone – and I don’t feel like working anymore

by Alison Green on December 14, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose ambitious, driven self was gone and they didn’t feel like working anymore? Here’s the update.

I wrote in April 2022 about what to do when you lose all interest in having a career. I felt like an alien had bodysnatched my former ambitious self and was, frankly, at a loss what to do about it. Instead of being motivated and hardworking, all I wanted was to slow down and take some time off.

First of all: I turned down the job I didn’t want – and it felt very, very right. I expected it to feel scary and to regret it later on, but that didn’t happen. Instead, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

A bit of background: My work situation was probably part of a bigger picture (isn’t it always?). I had a pretty bad living situation, and I come from a background without any role models in handling career and work/life balance. The result was that I knew no other option than working myself into the ground, terrified all the time of not doing enough or missing any opportunities. And I simply didn’t want to do that anymore.

I expected a lot of advice from the readers about How To Pull Up My Pants And Get Myself A Proper Job – probably because that was what I was telling myself I ought to do. Instead, I got a unanimous “If you have the opportunity, take some time off.”

I must admit I was a bit shocked about how much people agreed; apparently, I have some very ingrained ideas about the “right” way of doing life (spoiler: It’s the hard way).

So, I took the advice. A couple of months later I was standing on top of a volcano on a small tropical island, feeling more alive than I remember feeling in years (traveling is very much my happy place). I also got to take a family member on their dream vacation, which was almost better. It was an immense privilege, and I’m so grateful that I was able to do it.

I still feel a bit guilty about this last year. I only took on the most interesting jobs and bowed out of a couple of job interviews simply because the jobs didn’t seem ideal. It hasn’t been great for my finances, but nothing I can’t handle due to all those years of saying yes to each and every job offer I got. Interestingly enough, I got very good feedback on the work I actually did, and got some amazing new opportunities. It turns out that you do great work when you aren’t exhausted all the time.

I’m writing this from my amazing new apartment (which has both hot water and a view to die for – one of those things is not like the other, I know). I’m able to care for my physical health as well since I actually have time to exercise, and I have a very interesting work project coming up. Careerwise, I intend to continue my freelance work until the right job comes by – hopefully during the next year or so. Most of all, though, I’m practicing making imperfect decisions. Doing things “right” turned out to be wrong for me.

I probably still have some work to do about the way I view myself and my working life. I’ve had to rewrite this update several times, simply because I feel guilty about actually enjoying life and not working 60 hours a week. It’s a work in progress – and I’m okay with that. Also a little guilty, but mostly okay. So thank you so much to all of the kind readers taking time out of their busy lives to comment on my situation. I read each and every comment, and they were so very, very helpful. Never underestimate the impact of kind and thoughtful words on your fellow human beings.

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{ 98 comments }

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  1. Chauncy Gardener*

    Yay!! I’m so happy for you!
    Wishing you a wonderful new year with lots of travel and work life balance

    1. MigraineMonth*

      Congratulations, OP! I just wanted to draw a connection between your fear (that working less meant you were missing opportunities) and the reality (you got amazing opportunities because you were able to do better work when rested). That’s not coincidence. It’s something I think we all should shoot for: being relaxed and well enough that we can look for and respond to the best opportunities.

  3. Hills to Die on*

    This makes me so happy. I know how it feels to be in this position and am looking forward to when I can travel and do all the things for myself. So glad you are doing well!

  4. anon for this*

    I’m really happy for you, LW! The comments on your original letter were advice I wish someone could have given me when I was at my most depressed and scared–I was in college, but the core of it, the “you don’t HAVE to be ambitious and driven right now,” would have so validating. And this update is the kind of update I wish I could send back in time to that me, to the job-searching me, and to the me that almost backslid into a depression because I thought being a grown up meant working a certain kind of a job. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it does work sometimes, and that’s important for people to hear.

    All of which is to say, I’m really glad you asked in the first place, and I’m really glad you’ve come back to share your happiness now. Congrats!

  5. Chilipepper Attitude*

    I love this update! I really struggle with not being a capitalist puritan (I come from New England, it is so ingrained in us). What I mean is, I don’t know how to not just work all the time, work work and work for home, etc, and I applaud you and what you are doing (and not doing) and you are my role model now.

    1. MigraineMonth*

      I’ve started reading the book “Laziness Does Not Exist”, and I’m loving it. It’s about the way the body and mind give us signals that we need to rest, but we’re culturally programmed to see that as “laziness”. Resting while you’re sick? “Lazy.” Needing to miss a deadline because of a personal tragedy? “Lazy.” Having trouble juggling a full-time job, school and parenting? “Lazy.”

      Humans aren’t machines, and there’s an absolute limit to the amount of work we can do well. For most office jobs, that’s *3 hours* (or less!) per day in most studies. Browsing the internet after finishing an important task isn’t just normal, it’s probably what allows us to be creative or prepare to focus again.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I’ve tried so many different “systems” to help me focus (checklists, Pomodoro, scheduling blocks, exercise, etc.), but not a single one lets me be extra productive for an extended period of time. If I manage to focus for 5 hours today and get a ton done, I’m going to be tired and distractible tomorrow. If I’m at work 55 hours this week, the entire next week is pretty much a write-off.

          Sometimes we just need to exist for a while and replenish our resources.

    1. Ampersand*

      Right?! This is the only update that’s ever made me tear up—it’s so happy!

      LW, so glad to hear you’re in a much better place now. :)

      1. IsItReallyThough*

        Yes! One of those cases where it feels like the universe is actually rewarding someone for being kind to themself!

    2. ferrina*

      Yes! I’m so proud of LW- this is a massive mental shift! So glad that they have been able to take care of themselves and recognize that the feelings of guilt are actually working against them.

  7. Erie*

    It’s so funny that you feel guilty and like you are doing wrong, because the entire time I was reading this I was positively green with jealousy. I promise you there’s more than one person in this comment section who wants your life and wants to have made the choices you made! Well done.

    1. Hlao-roo*

      I felt proud of the LW while reading this update! Realizing a bad living situation is contributing to your “bleh” mood? Finding a new apartment that you like? Taking time you can afford off work to do something that makes you happy? Being selective about the jobs you take to make sure they’re the right fit for you? Those are all great things to do! Sounds very much like the right way to live your life, to me.

    2. l*

      Yeah it sounds like OP is one of the people really doing it right! We should all be so lucky as to figure out a work life balance that makes us so happy.

  8. Make Editing Great Again*

    I love this update, and its original question. So much of us have been taught the “right” way… and it’s making us sick and feel like we can’t trust ourselves to make the choices that work for us.

    “It turns out that you do great work when you aren’t exhausted all the time.” <—– so much this

    1. ferrina*

      “It turns out that you do great work when you aren’t exhausted all the time.”

      Yes!! This is so basic but so hard to follow, especially with certain upbringings/companies.

  9. liz*

    Congratulations! You’re doing a LOT of work, the work of self-care and living. The paid work is not better than that or more important. I’m so, so happy for you.

  10. Not my real name*

    This reminds me of a conversation I had with my son. He was freaking out because all of his high school teachers were talking about finding a career you are passionate about. I told him that it’s ok to have a job that pays the bills and funds you doing the things you are passionate about. You could just about see the relief in his face.

    1. Ellis Bell*

      I say this as a teacher; we suck at career advice. Teaching is often a vocation and it’s one where you’re fairly assured to be underpaid, overworked, under resourced and donating your own stationery. You couldn’t do any of that if you were not passionate, but we should not be passing on the top tip of how to be exploited.

      1. dot*

        I appreciate hearing a teacher say that. Not to mention the fact that most teachers have probably worked very few jobs/careers outside of teaching, so what qualifies them to provide career advice?

    2. warm fuzzies*

      I’m glad you wrote back and thrilled that things are working out for you. What a great update!

    3. Purple Cat*

      This! I’m trying to teach my son this. Not so much that he has hobbies that he’s particularly passionate about, but to reassure him that MOST people aren’t passionate about their job. I told him it should be something he enjoys and is preferably stable and pays the bills.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, this. Also, what passionate means is very dependent on the individual. I wouldn’t say I’m passionate about anything, and my son seems to be going the same way.

    4. Lydia*

      My husband has a friend who lives like that. He’s not ambitious, and he’s okay with that. He likes to ski and paddle board and those are the things that make him happy. A very good friend of his passed away this year and left him an inheritance so he quit the job he hated, took two months off to enjoy the summer, and then took a job working at the airport for a change of pace. He really is living the best life for himself.

  13. Zorak*

    Yay! I’m glad you’re coming out of your warped relationship with work and into a more fruitful way of thinking.

    Ambition and hard worn can be good when they’re actually in service of something. Temporarily taking on a ton of work to save up for a great opportunity / escape debt / provide for an urgent need? Sure. Chronically defaulting to overwork because you don’t feel entitled to a three-dimensional life? No.

    You have the right to take up space without having to apologize for enjoying doing so.

  16. Enora*

    Thanks for the update and congratulations! There are some points in life were the best way of advancing is to be still. I remember feeling so identified with your orginal post, happy it turned out well for you and thanks again for the inspiring update.

  17. 404_FoxNotFound*

    Op! I’m so very happy to hear this from you and glad that your adventures brought you joy and new delightful things.
    Best of luck with the rest of your puzzling out what works best for you going forward.

  18. lblakely*

    Honestly the most inspiring update I’ve ever read on this site. I’m so happy for you, and best of luck!

  19. TomatoSoup*

    ” I have some very ingrained ideas about the “right” way of doing life (spoiler: It’s the hard way).”

    Oof! This is me too. I constantly catch myself going on how everyone else is doing things this hard way and is fine therefore so should I. Literally none of that is true. I don’t know how many people are actually doing things what way or if they’re fine or if they’re even doing them at all. The bigger point, how ever is: so what? Even if what I told myself about other people was true, that wouldn’t require me to do the same. There are no awards for doing things the hard way.

  20. Jack Handy*

    Applause for OP. Congratulations. I too had the “Work, work, work and climb the corporate ladder” ingrained in me. I realized that I had watched my father work himself into a heart attack and then slide back down that ladder. And wondered what was that all for? Never seeing his kids or enjoying anything. To be fair, that was the culture for his generation. But thank goodness that by the time I became a parent, at an older age than many, I learned some balance. I was in a fortunate position to make decent pay working as an independent consultant and got to really spend time with my family. I stayed as a “worker bee” instead of trying to be a manager or director. Spoiler alert: there are WAY more jobs at the independent contributor level, and the small increase in pay to be a manager wasn’t worth the stress. I had to change expectations about what success means. Again, I know how fortunate I am. Best of life and balance to you.

    1. Danish*

      Similar hat. I grew up not really having a dad even before the divorced, because he was always working. When we’re together all we do is wandwring around shops and buy things, because the only time we hung out when i was a child was… When things needed to be bought. Two years ago he told me he hoped he could build a relationship with his granddaughters that wasnt all about shopping, and then immediately segued into the long list of presents he’d gotten them for xmas. And i have to wonder, was that worth it? Sure, he can buy them, me, himself whatever he wants because of all that work, but… There was clearly a cost. Very early on it instilled in me the idea that i never wanted a job where my family would watch me sit at the kitchen table and work all evening. Never. Never.

  23. Professor Plum*

    I love all of this, but most especially this line:
    “…I’m practicing making imperfect decisions. ”

    Thanks for your update!

  24. Ari*

    Oh my goodness, I honestly teared up a little reading this update. The relief and happiness come through in every word you wrote. I’m so thrilled for you!

  25. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

    I think you’d really love the journaling exercise here! It sounds like you have an extremely active manager part of you that has internalized the message that you must do things The Right Way, and also that The Right Way is the hard/challenging way.

    I love doing these 6 steps – I recently did it on my inner critic and I sobbed through it. I realized how my inner critic was just trying to protect me from being devastated by criticism/rejection, and so it was criticizing me first (so I could never be caught off guard, going around just relaxing and enjoying myself and believing I deserved good things, and then bam! punished for daring to exist that way). I was able to give it a different job.

    This approach uses imagery and dialogue as a user interface for your inner state (much like a keyboard is a user interface for the computer’s 1s and 0s). I love it.

    https://integralguide.com/50+Permanent+Notes/+Terms/Internal+Family+Systems+Therapy/+The+6+Fs+of+Internal+Family+Systems

    1. DashDash*

      What you’ve described sounds really interesting to me, but the link gave an error. I found the 6 Fs section from parsing the URL but is there a part of it that explains what you were talking about re: imagery and dialogue?

      1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

        You know how in families, people take on various roles? The trouble maker, the people pleaser, the critic, and so on? Internal Family Systems basically takes that approach except for your inner state.

        It’s kind of like the gestalt empty chair technique – you imagine that emotional state as a ‘part’ which helps you get to know it better (instead of being completely blended with it and seeing everything through the eyes of a part, like your inner critic or your fearful self).

        This ‘unblending’ gives you space to interact with it from what IFS calls Self energy – this compassionate, curious, creative, calm, courageous space – and get to know it and then meet its needs.

        The imagery is however you want it to be. What shows up in your body when you feel this particular way? For example, I feel tension in my neck and my jaw clenched when I think I’m being scrutinized. I associate that with my inner critic.

        What memories and beliefs does this part have? I remember being scrutinized as a child by an abusive caregiver and penalized harshly for failing to meet arbitrary standards. Now I associate scrutiny with high risk – even though I’m not in an abusive situation now.

        One wild question you can ask is ‘how old does this part think I am now?’ Often it’s very young! The part has no idea of what’s true now, and what resources I have now that I didn’t before.

        You ask what burden it holds and where it holds that. For me it’s like a vise squeezing my entire body. I don’t really see that in my mind’s eye, but I have a sense of crushing pressure from the outside.

        You then imagine going back in time to when this event (or the first time it happened if it’s a recurring event) and do a re-do. Basically imagine doing whatever the part wants. Beat someone up? rescue them from the situation? give them a friend or a puppy or a magic item? Whatever it is, do that. Neurologically, you’re rewiring the emotional charge of the memory. You’re connecting the previously-isolated feeling associated with that experience (of fear or anxiety or helplessness or rage) with whatever unmet need it had (protection or validation or love or compassion). You’ll still have the actual memory of the events but it will be more like a story to you, rather than a painful memory.

        Then you do a retrieval, which means you imagine you bring that part out of the past and to wherever it wants. An imaginary place or a real place.

        Then – this is key – you both unburden it and then replace the burden with a gift. You do this by asking the part what it wants to unburden (maybe the vise transforms to a glowing light, or is put into the earth to be mulched, or is burned in a fire, or a mystical being comes and takes it).

        And then ask it what quality or gift would it like. It’s important to do that because otherwise the burden (previous well-worn neural pathway) will return. This gives you an alternative option. So the vise is a glowing light, or now you have wings, or literally anything.

        It’s important to ask the part each time what it wants (instead of just doing what feels logical to you – you’ll tell the difference by how your body feels. When I’m just doing what seems logical to me, instead of asking what the part needs, I feel nothing. When I’m doing what the part wants, my body relaxes and things feel more right).

        You also always want to ask ‘how do I feel toward this part’ to avoid working with a part from the perspective of another part (instead of from Self). That risks working with a scared part from the inner critic, or from some other part that doesn’t – have all the resources of Self. So if you feel disappointed that it’s there, or a sense of urgency to fix it, or anything but the Self qualities (which they call the 8 Cs – words that start with C like compassion and courage and so on), that’s another part. Ask that part if it’s willing to step back and if not, you turn to work with that part instead.

      3. AmyUK*

        The URL appears to have images in it, so you’ll need to use the navigation tree on the left of the site. Literally click on 50 Permanent Notes -> Terms -> Internal Family Systems Therapy -> The 6 Fs of Internal Family Systems

        I’m definitely going to be diving into this.

  26. ecnaseener*

    What a lovely update! Keep trying to shake off that guilt – you worked really hard in pursuit of this financial cushion, what’s the point of having it if you never take time to enjoy it?

    1. Danish*

      Congrats LW, this is an awesome update! I’m sure I’m not the only one a little jealous, but its a very aspirational jealousy. Plus, I do think every person who can say “actually i didnt have to crush myself under the millstone” helps, in this day and age, where so many of us did grow up under YOU’RE WORKING OR YOU’RE WORTHLESS. Congrats, congrats and well done!

      2. Inkhorn*

        Cue flashback to the time when the then-government’s rhetoric divided the Australian populace into “lifters and leaners”. I wasn’t working due to health issues at the time and that made me feel lower than dirt, a dead weight on the nation.

        Now I’m essentially recovered, and employed – and a burnt-out workaholic driven by the need to “compensate” for having been long-term unemployed, because I haven’t worked or earned or achieved as much as I “should” by my age. Part of me thinks a 4-day week (with a 4-day workload!) would be bliss but the rest is appalled that I should be so lazy as to be over full-time hours after just a few years.

        I don’t really like my brain sometimes…

        1. Danish*

          “lifters and leaners” OOF. Truly, way to indicate that you don’t think about the sick/disabled/elderly/children(??? are they exempted from having to lift??) when you write your catchy government slogans.

          I agree on the 4-day workweek. I want everyone to adopt it, it sounds healthier, we really don’t need all this excessive productivity…. but then my anxiety kicks in and is like “not… not working? Not… struggle and prep for disaster? Impossible. Time waster.”

          (I’m glad you’re doing better now, too!)

  27. Hermione Danger*

    So very happy for you. I remember wondering whether I’d written your original letter in my sleep because it sounded so familiar. It’s so wonderful that you’ve managed to do all this and also that you still recognize you’re a work in progress. It gives me hope that maybe I can figure out how to do the same thing.

  28. vegetarianofficeworker*

    OP, thank you so much for this update and I am SO happy for you. I’m sure this update will be inspirational to other people in your same situation. I am also pulling myself back from the brink of overwork and reprioritizing my health and relationships so this was SO helpful to hear!

  29. SpeedyTurtle*

    I’m so happy for you!! I too have lost my ambition and I’m trying to work out what to do next and your post is so inspirational.

    1. Goldenrod*

      I feel like sometimes what we call “ambition” is really someone else’s idea of what success looks like. That’s why it doesn’t feel good – you may have a different feeling about what constitutes a successful life.

      1. gmg22*

        Well said. I’m in this same place right now and really struggling. My goal is to find something to do for work that pays my bills and gets me enthusiastic about getting up in the morning, but doesn’t consume my life. And I suspect that making that happen might require me to think much further outside the box than I am currently doing. LW’s update is very inspiring.

        1. The Original K.*

          I’m in the same boat. I’ve had several conversations with coworkers who aren’t taking any time off at the holidays because they “just can’t disconnect,” and I cannot WAIT for the time off I have planned and wish it could be more. This is not a cultural fit, and I’m trying to figure out if I can find work/an org that encourages working to live, not living to work. There’s more to life than work.

      2. Here for the Insurance*

        Excellent point, Goldenrod. There is no one right way to live. As long as we’re not harming others, we have the right to live in a way that makes us happy.

        Congratulations on reaching this point, OP, and I hope you’re able to overcome those feelings of guilt. You’re not doing anything wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about.

  31. Pants*

    My mother says guilt is a wasted emotion. However, we went to Catholic church so I don’t know how she got to drop that guilt thing. I haven’t been part of the Catholic church for 30+ years and The Guilt is still a huge part of my framework. It’s a lie, my friend. Solidarity.

    The commentariat here is my fave. Supportive, honest, and funny. Y’all are hilarious!!

  32. Goldenrod*

    This is an amazing update! I am so happy for you, OP. It sounds like you are thriving!

    For what it’s worth, here is a story that has always encouraged me to lighten up:

    A Buddhist monk approached his teacher and asked the Zen Master, “If I meditate very diligently, how long will it take for me to become enlightened?”

    The Master thought for a moment, and then replied, “Ten years.”

    The student then said, “But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast. How long then?”

    The Master replied, “Well, then it will take twenty years.”

    “But I don’t understand,” said the disappointed student. “When I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?”

    The Master replied, “Your life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. When you have one eye on the goal, you can only have one eye on the path.”

  34. Avid Reader*

    The comments section is so supportive here. There are always great suggestions too. It’s nice to see that play out day after day.

  35. ObscureRelic*

    Wonderful update, and btw you write real good. One thing that struck me particularly was this:

    “…I come from a background without any role models in handling career and work/life balance….”

    Maybe we don’t typically assign enough importance to this. Obviously, a family’s finances have a lot to do with everything, but learning good habits and fundamental life skills, however basic, and developing discernment and common sense can make all the difference. I’m old now, but I think that if I’d had role models or stumbled upon some kind of mentor, I’d have been much more successful in thriving despite a lack of financial support.

    1. Danish*

      Work/Life balance role model seems really important, yeah! Since at it’s heart it’s basically “learn to prioritize your own well being” which… well, I could have certainly used more role models for!

  36. Can I keep sleeping some more*

    I’m so happy for you and grateful to read your update on a day (month? year? years??) when I’m not feeling the best about work, my life, or even what I want for my future. After suffering some medical issues and work setbacks, I just don’t have the physical or mental strength to evaluate my options at this time.

    Reading about you standing on top of a volcano on a small island and being able to take a loved one on their dream vacation made me tear up!

  37. Gigi*

    This is amazing. I feel like you should be telling this story to Oprah. Congratulations! Well done, you.

  38. Artemesia*

    I am old and retired and have traveled a lot since retiring and we also did a good deal with our limited time off during the last 20 years of our work lives — but those days are clearly numbered given my husband’s health issues. We have had a lot of joy with it, so no giant regrets BUT

    One real regret I have is that I was not more imaginative about my career — I have many friends who managed to figure out how to get international travel as part of their job — since you enjoy that, give some real thought to what kind of contract work you might be able to do that would let you explore the world.

  39. Marizane*

    I really love this, not least because I agreed with every single word people wrote encouraging you to travel and take time off and choose what you wanted but still in my brain reading this wonderful update about how wonderful it was I went “but not ME, I don’t work had enough/don’t have enough job options/don’t have a plan/wouldn’t do anything with the time off/maybe after I do [blank]/various other reasons”.

    We all have the programming; I love the work you’re doing for yourself and the cheer you’re spreading this season by sharing it!

  41. metadata minion*

    “I’m writing this from my amazing new apartment (which has both hot water and a view to die for – one of those things is not like the other, I know).”

    Hey, don’t discount the hot water! ;-) My apartment is mostly pretty great, but every so often the water pressure in the shower goes to almost nothing for no discernable reason, and it’s amazing how much it can ruin my mood to have to stand there for 5 minutes, shivering and soapy, waiting for the water to come back.

  42. Gary Patterson’s Cat*

    Great story! I hope OP continues to only take on work they actually want, versus work they feel they ought to do only for money.

    It it helps, you’re not the only one who feels this way, but it’s very hard to take time to not burn out.

  43. municipal government jane*

    Oh, OP, this brought tears to my eyes. I’m so happy for you!!!! Thank you so much for sharing this update with us, it’s so very encouraging and lovely. Many many congratulations.

  45. Pett Officer Tabby*

    Yeah, I had to learn the hard way that I’m better as a freelancer than a traditional employee. I don’t especially LIKE it, though my resume is full of 3 – 5 year commitments. The company I stayed at longest, though? 10 years as an independently contracted petsitter! I’m back to doing that, and I’m happier than I have been in a long time, because I can schedule as many or as few walks as I want, and take days off when I need to.

  48. Sick of Workplace Bullshit (she/her)*

    Good for you, OP! I totally get where you’re coming from. I’ve currently just started a four-month mental health break from work, and still feel guilty about it.

  49. New Senior Mgr*

    Reading this letter and re-reading the original makes me feel so… happy in this moment. I was planning to work another 4 hours tonight (already worked 8), but this letter is helping me to dare to do something different, even if a small start. Making myself a cup of decaf and going to visit my neighbor. Thanks LW and so so happy for you. Onward and upward.

  50. Numbat*

    In my mid 20s I undertook a “temporary retirement”, quitting my job and spending time un-burnt-out-ing myself. It blew people’s minds that I wasn’t furiously applying for jobs and I struggled to remember that it was my decision, in my best interests, and that I wasn’t “unemployed and worthless”. We have a lot of deeply held ideas about work and self worth; it’s valuable to untangle those however you can.

  52. Coco*

    I really really resonated with this person’s original letter. I also grew up poor, and my parents were terrible role models. I graduated college in 2014 and have been working 7 days a week ever since. Looking back, it makes me very sad that I neglected my personal life, to prioritize work. I’m in my mid 30s, unmarried, no kids, and very few friends. I wish I had put less effort into work, and more effort into cultivating meaningful personal relationships. Unfortunately I am not in a financial position to stop working 7 days a week. (Cost of living has practically doubled, and my wages have definitely not). In 2021 I took a somewhat less stressful somewhat better paying job, which has helped. My new job offers paid vacation and encourages people to use it (my previous jobs offered little to no PTO). I have a vacation trip planned to a tropical location in March 2023. I will not work for 10 days! I’ve never ever had time off like this, and I cannot wait! I’ve also been seeing a therapist. It might not be the big drastic change that LW did, but it’s a step in the right direction for me.

    1. Danish*

      Congrats! I hope your tropical vacation is lovely! It’s definitely a good first step, giving yourself space and mental permission to not work for a period of time.

  53. Broken scones*

    LW, I’m so happy for you and I’m grateful that you wrote to us the first time and for this amazing update! I went back to your original letter (which resonated with me) and read through the comments which lent so much support. I’m glad your letter kickstarted a conversation about how there is more than one way to view work, and how we weigh what matters to us in our lives.

  54. Matt*

    One thing that occurred to me reading your update was around your freelance pricing. You’re clearly very good at what you do and I wondered if you’d considered charging premium prices to reflect that. If you were to turn the limited time you allocate to work into a feature – and create scarcity and limited supply, thereby making it a ‘privilege’ for someone to be able to hire you – given you always knock it out of the park. Sell value and output not time. A friend told me about a freelance photographer client of theirs who was very (too) busy – so put their prices up to try and be less busy. However, the more they put their prices up, the more exclusive they were seen as and the more in demand they become. They kept on doing this (at times doubling their fees each time) until they were being hired for weddings on private islands. The premium price actually played a key role in how good they were seen as and their overall positioning. It’s not always possible to do this, but sometimes if you’re in the right space, it is.

    So, for example, if you doubled (or tripled) your prices, you wouldn’t actually have to work any more to double/triple your income. If enough people would pay that, you’d then have the income you need with no extra work. And it might actually help your brand and positioning too.

    Only an idea but I thought worth sharing. It does depend on your client base (or possible client base) and market but maybe worth testing. You could try it out if you had new enquiries (particularly the ones you were less bothered about).

  55. AmyUK*

    I needed to read this today. My situation couldn’t be more different from yours, but I hadn’t considered what I’d been doing to myself could be a side effect of amibition. I definitely have the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ ways of doing things and reframing my window is helpful.

    Well done taking care of yourself and finding real peace and joy in life.

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