my coworker apologizes All The Time — how can I get him to stop?

by Alison Green on September 24, 2024

A reader writes:

I work at a small public library and I have a coworker who is a very naturally anxious person. He apologizes for every little thing, whether it’s his fault, not his fault, or not something that could possibly be anyone’s fault. I feel like I hear him say “I’m so sorry” with complete sincerity a dozen times a day.

It’s not just a verbal habit, he means it. This is not “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well,” it’s “I’m so sorry that I took a scheduled phone call at the time that I said I would and that meant I wasn’t able to refill the printer paper when it ran out in the middle of your print job, I should have anticipated that and I’m so sorry you had to do it.” Whether he’s apologizing to a patron that there’s a waitlist on the book they want, or to our coworker that she talked to the loud teenagers before he did, or to me when I mention I don’t like the ringtone on the new desk phone, it’s all Red Alert Remorse Top Priority Contrition Protocol.

I don’t care that he didn’t print out more copies of a form that I can also print out! I don’t blame him that the building manager hasn’t fixed the leaky faucet in the staff bathroom! He’s constantly taking on the full responsibility for absolutely everything. It must be exhausting for him, and the rest of us have to reassure him multiple times a day that it’s not necessary.

He also takes responsibility for every possible work task, but is bad at multitasking and prioritizing those as well. This results in more apologies when he wants to organize spare computer parts in the closet but gets distracted partway through and leaves loose keyboards and mice all over the floor, or he does go to get more printer paper but gets distracted refilling a water cooler and then tries to load the paper with wet hands. We are short-staffed, but things are not so hectic that he needs to do absolutely everything, by himself, right now. This frustration I have tried to let go, since it is our manager’s responsibility, not mine.

But it’s hard to bring up real issues and feel like he hears and understands that I’m asking for a change in behavior, not an acknowledgment of guilt. One time it took him 25 minutes to drop off mail in the front office, and I had to page the office to get him back out when the floor got too busy for me to handle on my own. I pointed out as patiently as I could that this happens a lot, asked that he keep track of time, and suggested that the next time the mail came he didn’t need to rush it to the office ASAP — especially since some of it turned out to be for me and he had to bring it back. He spent five minutes apologizing, but he still does something like this at least once a week, months later. I appreciated the apology, but I would have appreciated it more if he tried not to do it again.

This happens even when he identifies the issue himself, for example apologizing for calling me (a woman) and another coworker (nonbinary) “you guys” and basically mansplaining to us why he was wrong to use a gendered term that we might not be comfortable with … but he still defaults to calling every library visitor either “sir” or “miss.”

Because he apologizes so often, but he never follows up the “sorry” with any real change, I don’t actually take any of his apologies that seriously. Even though I know he feels bad, I’m frustrated and unsympathetic because all he does is feel bad.

It’s clear to me that this is internal to him and probably only a long course of dedicated personal work could help him get to the bottom of the guilt he feels over every other person’s minor inconveniences. It would be nice if he could dial it down three or four notches at work, though.

I’m in full BEC territory, not because I dislike him, but because it’s so exhausting. I have limited emotional space for his constant apologies and all the work I wind up doing to either communicate that I’m not upset about the thing he did (or someone else did, or the freaking weather did) or that while I appreciate a since “my bad,” what I really want is for the mistake not to happen again. I like him just fine as a person, but this habit has really worn down the respect and patience I’m able to hold for him as a coworker.

Do you have a kind script that I can use to communicate either or both of these ideas:
1. Don’t apologize for things you have no control over, or
2. If you do have control over the thing, try fixing it.
And if you don’t have a kind script, do you have one that might result in him not apologizing for how much he apologizes?

That sounds utterly exhausting. I’m sure this is coming from a deeply-rooted place on his side, but it’s demanding a lot of emotional labor from you each time: you have to pause the conversation and reassure him that it’s fine. I was worn out just reading about it.

That said, you might not be able to change it. This stuff is deeply-rooted, and sometimes it can become almost like a verbal tic where the other person isn’t even aware of how often they’re doing it.

But you can certainly try!

The next time he apologizes unnecessarily and there aren’t other people around (so you don’t embarrass him by calling him out publicly), you could say: “Can ask you a favor? You apologize to me and other people a lot and it’s unnecessary. It makes me feel like I have to pause the conversation and reassure you that it’s okay. I know it’s probably an ingrained habit, but I’d be grateful if you didn’t apologize to me so frequently.” If you want, you could add, “Or at all, really!”

He will probably apologize in response to this. I don’t think you can prevent that. But you’ll have laid the groundwork so that the next time he starts to apologize, you can cut him off and say, “No apologies” and then keep talking — and that part is key. If you just say “no apologies” and then pause, you’re leaving room for him to apologize for apologizing or otherwise continue in the vein, or to just feel awkward. It’s better if it goes something like this:

Coworker: “I saw you had to help that patron and I’m sorry—“
You: “No apologies needed! She was asking about books on llama grooming and it made me remember that time last year when we found that llama sleeping in the kitchen. Do you remember that?”

or

Coworker: “I saw you had to help that patron and I’m sorry—“
You: “No apologies needed! Hey, have you seen Lucinda? I wanted to ask her about the crocodile presentation she’s doing.”

And so forth.

Sometimes a visual signal like raising your hand in a “stop” motion is useful too, but the most important thing is to just quickly move the conversation to a different track and keep it there.

The more complicated piece is when you’re trying to get him to hear that you’re asking for a change in behavior, not an apology. In those cases, try this:

You: “You’ve been entering the oatmeal inventory incorrectly. Can you remember to use the checklist each time so steps aren’t missed?
Coworker: “I’m really sorry, I should have remembered, I am a terrible person—“
You: “No apologies needed. I would prefer if we could talk about how to do this going forward without you apologizing because that takes us off the main point, which is…”

But this can be really, really ingrained, so I’d imagine you’re looking at a lot of repetition of these strategies, unfortunately. If it helps to remember, though, it’s likely a kindness to him, since he probably doesn’t even hear how often he’s doing it.

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{ 229 comments }

{ 229 comments… read them below }

  1. Physics Lab Tech*

    Would it make sense to give y’alls manager a heads up that this shift // conversation was going to happen? It sounds like this would be a strong change in how one treats apology-coworker, but I’m conflicted myself if it warrants letting others know that this is a new tactic that is being attempted.

    1. PB Bunny Watson*

      I would say yes. As a library manager, I would be concerned if this was happening without my knowledge because you are essentially trying to correct his behavior. If he complains that the LW is suddenly rude to him, I’d be hella confused.

      1. ferrina*

        Absolutely. It would be a good CYA as well for LW, because he might have a weird reaction to it. Seriously, I’ve had people complain that I “wouldn’t’ accept their apology” or “wouldn’t listen to them” when I told them “no apology necessary!”. They really, really wanted to say their piece/have their moment on the stage/get the emotional comfort/have the anxiety release, and when I wouldn’t give it to them (by saying ‘no apology necessary’ and moving to the next thing), they interpreted it as an attack.

        That said, LW know their manager better than we do, and with some managers this would be a “forgiveness not permission thing”

      2. LW*

        This is good to know. I’m technically junior to him (he has an MLIS degree and I don’t) but we do a lot of the same circulation/collection maintenance/patron help tasks. I definitely would feel out of my depth sitting him down for a Talk as if I were his manager, but telling my director/manager (did I mention we’re small?) that I’m going to try a different tack with him feels like a good idea.

        1. physics lab*

          I think you did a good job identifying that there is more than the apology happening here, and it’s just in those situations I’d rather be CYA ++ seek help from your manager, who also knows this person.

        2. PB Bunny Watson*

          Oh, then definitely loop in your manager because there is a lot elements there that can make it worse. Is he younger than you? I’m wondering if he’s just really new to the workforce and has impostor syndrome. It was torture when I was young and brand new in my career… or if he isn’t new, it might be trauma from a past job (which I had too). Where you’ve spent so long apologizing for not DOINGEVERYTHINGALLTHETIMEASFASTASYOUCAN… That a normal pace makes you feel like a turtle. Maybe the first time you mention it, you can frame it as, “it’s okay… You’re doing fine… nothing we do here requires this level of urgency unless there is an actual fire.” (I have to remind my staff of that all the time—you don’t have to do everything asfastashumanlypossible.

          1. MigraineMonth*

            I think that reassurance would make sense for most people who are dealing with anxiety, but at this point OP has done far too much emotional labor soothing Coworker and they need to cut him off.

        1. BrandNewBandName*

          I know.you didn’t just apologize in a No Apology Needed thread! Take that back. Also, how’s your llama? Still llama-ing? LOL

      2. Ms. Eleanous*

        My best guess is Catholic school survivor.

        ( I once told a collaborator that it was OK, we weren’t in Catholic School, and nothing was going on her Permanent Record. — She did look a bit sheepish at that point.)

        We had never discussed where we went to school; I must be psychic.
        Oh, and I said it with love.

    2. Frump*

      Canadians don’t force the person they’re talking to to do emotional labour roughly ten times a conversation with their incessant apologies. This person probably has very low self-esteem or was trained into exhaustive threat response as a padawan.

      1. Sociology Rocks!*

        I’m guessing you’re on the money. Such habits are hard to break, especially if he knows he’s got a tendency to get distracted and leave things half finished, and he doesn’t want to be that person. Sounds a lot like me at my worst as a just out of college kid with ADHD that had grown into quite bad anxiety. He’s got to do the work himself though to deal with it and learning strategies and supports to make things easier. Being more successful should resolve the apologies at the root

        1. KGD*

          Before I had a handle on my ADHD, I did this a lot. I made way more careless mistakes than the average person, and I had pretty intense anxiety and shame about it. So I would mess up and then go on this crazy apology spiral. It felt like I couldn’t stop until the other person convinced me that they still liked me and weren’t mad. It was really unhealthy for me, and really annoying for people who had to deal with me.

          The worst part was that the anxiety also meant I often didn’t hear the actual feedback I was being given. My colleague would be trying to talk to me about what I did wrong and how to fix it, and the whole time I’d be having a massive internal freak-out about how terrible and useless I was and I’m never going to amount to anything god why am I so forgetful and oh no I forgot to pay the phone bill AGAIN what is wrong with me etc etc etc… and then I’d make the same dumb mistake again the next day. It was brutal, and for me, what helped was growing up a bit and getting meds.

          For the LW, I think Alison’s advice is perfect. Call him on careless errors when he makes them, and interrupt the apology asap. He probably won’t like it because he wants you to reassure him that he is still a good person, but the truth is, that isn’t your job. This is something he’s going to have to figure out on his own, and having his current strategy taken away might help him recognize the issue and get to work.

          1. Anon Y Mouse*

            Yes. Without trying to diagnose this guy (which I wouldn’t), this sounds awfully like the ADHD shame spiral I have often found myself in, and when I was younger, I did act much like this.

            Trouble is, if you are like this you might be aware that you’re unlikely to be able to improve on prioritisation and planning skills very much – hence the constant apologising. But as you say, that really isn’t the LW’s problem to fix!

          2. goth associate*

            Yeah as a fellow anxious ADHD guy it really has that rejection sensitive dysphoria vibe that you’ve captured perfectly, where you assume people hate you for making mistakes & you can’t move on until you’ve been reassured they don’t, in fact, despise you, which is NOT a coworker’s job. I feel bad for both this guy & the LW, because I’ve been there on both ends & it SUCKS.

        2. AnnieM*

          Ditto others here, I’ve been learning a bit more about ADHD trauma – mine hits a lot around goals and deadlines, but time management and keeping track of tasks is definitely in there.I’m not sure there’s much a coworker can do to address something like that directly. Small nonjudgmental reminders help when that’s appropriate (not becoming the coworker’s keeper!). Framing corrections more in terms of process/standard instead of performance/correction – passive voice can actually be helpful here! Being alert for process opportunities to make sure that, eg, instructions, checklist, etc. are immediately at hand for whoever’s doing a task – again focus on process not person.

          Outside of work I’ve sometimes had success with the concept of a sorry jar, like a swear jar. We’ve never actually implemented it, but just the idea can be helpful. Or I’ll say they’ve hit their quota for this incident, no more sorries. I’ve tried mentioning the sorry jar once at work, and the coworker switched to thank you instead of sorry; if she hadn’t, I don’t think I could’ve pushed it further. But that could vary depending on positions and relationships.

          …I kind of hate to say this, but, sorry you’re dealing with this?? It really is exhausting.

        3. WS*

          Yes, sounds exactly like my partner before she got her ADHD diagnosis (she does it a lot less now that she has both medical and psychological supports in place).

      2. ferrina*

        This person probably has very low self-esteem or was trained into exhaustive threat response as a padawan.

        100%. The most exhausting apologizer I ever met had incredibly low self-esteem, and whenever he felt guilty, he immediately externalized it and would amplify it until he received comfort from whoever was near him. His other tactic for his low self-esteem was denial, so he refused to believe that this behavior was a problem.

        This is also a maladaptive way of trying to control uncontrollable situations- “I should have been able to predict and handle everything so that you were never inconvenienced”. Common response from kids whose parents made them responsible for the parents’ emotions (something a kid has no actual control over). This dude needs serious therapy, but LW is definitely not the one to provide that for him.

        1. Panda (she/her)*

          “ Common response from kids whose parents made them responsible for the parents’ emotions (something a kid has no actual control over).”

          WHOA. You just explained a lot for me.

          1. Me*

            Using a different name than usual for this–

            Yeah, my partner grew up with a mother that not only made them responsible for her feelings, but would harangue them until they groveled “enough.”

            Problem is: While yes, I do want you to acknowledge “Oops, I should’ve/shouldn’t have done X,” what I actually want is *changed behavior*. Groveling just makes me angrier because now I feel like I’m being forced to comfort you for something YOU DID.

            We had. A lot of arguments about this.

            Things have improved a LOT, though; it hasn’t been an issue in a few years.

      3. MigraineMonth*

        Toxic workplaces can also create terrible habits. I fortunately have a very mild case compared to Coworker, but whenever I significantly screw up I feel the need to confess and apologize to the whole team about it.

        It is absolutely a reaction to the toxicity at my first professional job, where we were punished for every mistake and I started hiding them; now I’m overcorrecting (in the right direction, at least?). I know in the moment that it’s weird and unprofessional, but it’s still hard to stop.

      4. Estranged_Geologist*

        Yep. My parents used to do this to me. I had a huge problem apologizing and groveling for mistakes and it led to me being badly hurt at a job (I am now far more chronically ill than I was prior to that job).

        I still over apologize, but I am doing much, much better having started therapy. I also don’t really talk to my parents anymore because they want me to be responsible for their emotions. (And constantly apologize. You’re spot on — I read that off the guy the LW is talking about immediately. The apologies don’t stop until the parent is satisfied.) This in no way makes the LW responsible for their coworker’s issues, but that’s likely what’s driving his behavior. I also didn’t realize how bad it was until I started therapy (like to deal with day to day).

    5. Dawn*

      Have you met Canadians?

      Just ask the commenters about me, we’re actually not especially nice. We’re just nice compared to, say, a lot of people in NYC (based on personal experience, anyway.)

      1. Sorry, not sorry!*

        New Yorkers may not be nice, but we are kind when necessary. We generally don’t have time to be nice.

        I am a recovering apologizer. I think it was a combination of growing up in the midwest, societal conditioning for women, and not liking to feel like people might get mad or upset with me. People kept pointing it out to me and I made a concerted effort to break the habit.

        1. MigraineMonth*

          I moved from New England to the Midwest years ago, and I’ve learned to strategically use my non-Midwest-nice to break socially awkward situations.

          No one will go first in the buffet line? No one will take the last (quarter) cookie? Everyone’s dancing around it but no one will actually tell the logo designer that we don’t like the design he came up with? Never fear, an East Coaster is here to be rude so you don’t have to be!

          2. April*

            I don’t know how true this is, but I’ve been told that Japanese companies will often have an American on staff specifically for this purpose.

            Japanese etiquette means almost never giving someone an outright “no,” or criticizing your boss’s ideas to their face.

            So, supposedly, some companies have an American on staff whose only job is Being Honest and saying the things no one else is willing to/capable of saying. “No, that won’t work.” “No, that’s a terrible idea.”

          4. TGMC*

            New Yorker now stuck in Missouri, I feel this so hard!

            Also, I don’t talk fast, you people just talk slow. And drive slow.

        2. TGMC*

          The ‘kind but not nice’ thing is SO TRUE and I’ve finally been able to really see it now that I’ve been in the Midwest awhile (central Iowa, now Kansas city area).

          There are just so damn many people in NY, smiling at everyone or making nice chat with everyone would be bonkers. But if you need something and ask? Most New Yorkers are happy to help.

          Heck, even the driving everyone complains about… the majority aren’t aggressive or dangerous, just want to get where they’re going. Now if you want nasty driving… I’ve never seen worse passive-aggressiveness than the Twin Cities.

          I drastically prefer the NY hustle and bit of brusqueness to the Midwest ‘nice’.

          1. Chick-n-Boots*

            And when the chips are down, NYers can be incredibly generous and kind to one another. I lived in NYC for several years and after 9/11 – people were so kind to each other, so helpful, so generous with time and care and empathy. Saw it again after the great blackout in 2003. A lot of people had to walk long distances to get home because the subway system stopped running, traffic lights and street lights were out and the outage started at like 4, right before rush hour kicked in. People were keeping their water hoses outside on with cups or handing out bottled water to people walking home. Local pizza places with brick or gas ovens were making and giving away pizza to everyone. Folks were out grilling in their yards, helping feed their neighbors and even random passers by. It was really, really cool.

      2. AnonInCanada*

        Fellow Canadian here, and I agree with Dawn. Sure, we may say “sorry” when you bump into us with your backpack or step on our toes walking on the sidewalk, as this is our nature. Inside, however, we’re saying “what the $*@%& is your $*%&#ing problem you inconsiderate %*@%&*!!” If you’re bumping into us with your backpack while on the subway in Toronto, we’re not saying sorry. We’re saying “what the $*@%& is your $*%&#ing problem you inconsiderate %*@%&*!!” in your face. And we’re not using our inside voice, either :-D. So much for the stereotype!

        2. MotherofaPickle*

          I lived in Hamilton for two years. I NEVER knew those Canadians to apologize. A lot of “eh?’s” and “aboots”, but never a sorry if it wasn’t warranted.

      3. Frank Doyle*

        No one said you were nice, they implied that you apologize a lot.

        And there’s a distinction between nice and kind. New Yorkers are kind (there was a post on IG @whatisnewyork just today about New Yorkers helping each other out) but as Sorry, not sorry! points out, they’re not always “nice” — they’ll be rude and speak their mind as they’re helping you out, or they’ll carry your stroller up the subway steps without saying a word. But many people prefer kind to nice.

        2. April*

          There’s a long-running joke that people in NYC are kind but not nice, and people in LA are nice but not kind. (I’ve also seen it generalized to east-coasters vs west-coasters)

          So yeah, people in NYC will (as you point out) help you with a stroller without saying a word to you.

          And people in LA will encourage you…but not help you.

        3. Sorry, not sorry!*

          I don’t think speaking one’s mind is automatically rude, though. Just because you disagree or don’t like something and say that doesn’t mean you’re rude. People just interpret it that way because maybe they aren’t used to honestly or directness.

          Of course, just because you think something doesn’t mean you should always say it.

  3. the 1%*

    Part of this is on you, LW. “The rest of us have to reassure him multiple times a day that it’s not necessary.” No you don’t ! There’s something making you feel you have to respond to an unnecessary apology with reassurance, but you absolutely don’t have to do that.

    3. oooooooooh*

      This is what I came here to say. Sometimes just patiently waiting through the apology and not acknowledging it at all (because you cannot change everyone else’s speech patterns, but you can change how you react to them), then moving on to what you actually need to see change, will get you a better response.

      1. Annie*

        That’s what I was thinking. Just don’t respond to him at all when he says “I’m sorry.” Just ignore the apology completely and I think that will throw him off, and maybe make him realize he’s over-apologizing. In any case, it won’t feed his need to get reassurance from you, which I think is what makes it so annoying and emotionally taxing for you.

        1. Jellyfish Catcher*

          I assume there are reasons that he is still employed (disability, low available labor, kindness, etc).
          First, of course discuss any plans with the manager.

          As Alison said, have some scripts – but also brief “rules” in writing for the staff and (kindly) review them daily to be consistent for him and maybe learn them.
          (** I don’t know if that violates treating personnel differently or with prejudice).

          EX: Remember, no apologies today!
          If someone says it’s ok – then it really is ok, no further talking about it.
          If we say something is fine, we then stop talking about it.
          Do one task, do it until it is finished before going elsewhere.
          I’m ….at a loss for anything more, sorry.

          1. MagnaCarta*

            This comment seems to be based on assumptions that there’s something going on not even hinted at in the letter (intellectual disability, maybe?) and these tactics would be patronizing and inappropriate from a peer coworker.

          2. Dek*

            “I assume there are reasons that he is still employed (disability, low available labor, kindness, etc)”

            Wow, that…that doesn’t seem relevant or appropriate, tbh

    4. Sloanicota*

      Yes, what if you just didn’t give him that reassurance he’s seeking? It’s not serving any of you anyway. What would he do if you just redirected/changed the subject? What if you announced in advance you weren’t going to do your part of the dance and planned to redirect/change the subject every time he did this?

    5. SunnyShine*

      If OP is in BEC territory, I have to wonder if the coworker is now over apologizing because he picks up on that. It’s a vicious cycle.

      No one needs to reassure him. Just let it go and move on.

      1. LW*

        I worry about this! I’m also an anxious helper, I think recognizing my own habits in his makes it harder for me to address objectively.

        1. SunnyShine*

          I get it. I’ve had my own anxieties that I have worked on. Sometimes my therapy goes out the window and I had to reset personal boundaries. It helped me to remember that keeping “the peace” was destroying my peace. Whatever his issues are, he needs to work on it with a professional. You aren’t helping in the long run by reassuring him.

          1. I Have RBF*

            Here’s a quote that I don’t have the attribution for (but I think it was from someone here), but it lives on a postit next to my desk:

            If someone asks you to do, or ignore, something to “Keep the peace”, it is within your rights and sanity to ask “Whose peace?”

        2. ferrina*

          What does he do if he doesn’t receive comfort? Is he punitive in any way?

          Most chronic apologizers I’ve run across are also punitive if they don’t get the response they want. Part of the reason why they apologize/try to take responsibility is that it gives them a sense of control over things that they can’t actually control, and they get frustrated when you take away that sense of control by not letting them apologize (and to them, the emotional comfort is part of the apology).

          It’s possible that some simple grey rocking will teach him that he won’t get the response he wants from you, and he’ll move on. That would be excellent! But there is a possibility that he will escalate (also look up “extinction burst”). That said, it’s better than forever comforting him.

          1. LW*

            That feels out of character for him specifically, but it’s worth keeping an eye out for.

            I’m going to try disconnecting the way a lot of commenters are suggesting and see what happens when I don’t engage with the apology dance.

          2. Dek*

            “Most chronic apologizers I’ve run across are also punitive if they don’t get the response they want.”

            I dunno, that seems like a confirmation bias. A lot of us just have anxiety.

            1. Mango Freak*

              Anxiety would be a cause, not a behavior. There’s no reason someone can’t be punitive out of anxiety.

          3. MigraineMonth*

            What do you mean by “punitive” and “escalate”? Extinction burst usually means continuing the same behavior or cranking up to 11, and I would fully expect someone who starts getting the brush-off to their apologies to apologize even more if their tendency is driven by anxiety. Particularly if the apologizer is sensitive to rejection, suddenly getting gray-rocked/brushed-off is going to feel like a rejection.

            I’m not sure it’s helpful to see that as “punitive” or “controlling” so much as… a person with anxiety flailing. Which we can have sympathy for while still holding our reasonable boundary of not participating in their apology dance ten times a day.

      2. duinath*

        Considering he never fixes the things he’s apologizing for when they actually are problems, I kinda doubt it.

        He’s moving the focus off what he did wrong, and putting it on his feelings instead. Maybe that’s just something he does without thinking about it, maybe he actually *is* sorry, but as a pattern I find it worrisome. And usually when I see it, there’s more hiding under the surface. Thankfully LW is just working with him, so his underneaths can be his business.

        2. KateM*

          Yeah, I feel that he has even successfully shifted the focus of this letter. :) What caught my eye was that he makes a lot of mistakes and never fixes them, causing more work for coworkers.

        3. Pool Noodle Barnacle Pen0s*

          This. His behavior is classic energy vampirism. LW, you can’t fix him so your best strategy is protecting your own energy. “Hmmm” and no eye contact to whatever he says, then change the subject or walk away.

          If he complains to the manager that you’re not catering to his feelings, say “What? He’s the one who left equipment all over the floor / ruined a ream of printer paper / disappeared for half an hour during a rush at the desk / etc etc.” Put the blame back on him where it belongs.

        4. JustaTech*

          It could also be that he is genuinely sorry, but (for whatever reason that isn’t actually important) doesn’t see *how* to fix the errors, so just keeps making them.

          For Apology Coworker it is important to figure out the root(s) of both the errors and the apologies.
          But for the LW, the more important steps are addressing the apologies (“no apology needed, so about…” or grey rock or whatever strategy they choose), addressing the errors, and making sure that they have management’s support on doing these things.

          Maybe after applying some of these strategies the LW can evaluate if Coworker’s apologies are real (ie, he is trying but failing) or if they are really a way of deflecting or something else entirely.

    6. LW*

      This is something I haven’t tried on purpose because it feels rude… but I do sometimes do it on accident when I’m already tired. Maybe if I treat it like a strategy I’ll have an easier time.

      1. jane's nemesis*

        Remember that you’re not the one being rude by not engaging with his constant self-flagellation. Honestly, he’s being rude by making you manage his big feelings for him!

      2. Saturday*

        You can still look reasonably pleasant when you’re doing it – it doesn’t have to look hostile in any way. That might make it feel less rude.

      3. Jules the 3rd*

        The key is to stay friendly, just… in a different direction. Practice some positive / ‘fix it together’ responses, like:
        “I hear ya! Let’s divide and conquer, I’ll refill the paper if you’ll get that next patron!”
        “Oh, don’t worry about it! Did you see that magazine you brought back has a cool article on X? Have you done X yourself?”
        “Yeah, distractions happen to me too. I use written lists all the time, even for little things.”

        Definitely triage your responses for “this caused me a problem” vs “oh, he’s him’ming again but it’s not a problem for me”. If it didn’t cause you an actual problem, don’t give ‘fix it’ responses, just friendly chatter, that will make the ‘fix it’ responses more visible.

      4. lazuli*

        Refusing to engage with the apologies might not change his behavior, so I wouldn’t make that the goal, but it should hopefully take a bunch of the burden off you to manage his feelings, which I WOULD make the goal.

    7. Melissa*

      I am joining the chorus!

      “I need you to bring me that stack of papers”
      “Omg I’m so sorry I can’t believe I always mess things up I made you wait on the books I’m so sorry.”
      “Okay. I need you to bring me that stack of papers please”

      Yes you’ll feel rude. That’s actually what he is (unconsciously) banking on. But it is NOT your job to reassure him 14 times a day.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        Or “No apologies needed! Right now, what I really need is that stack of papers please!” in a friendly, upbeat tone.

        I do a little hand-waving as something that’s less formal than the ‘stop’ hand motion, but some people have seen that as me dismissing them. Try both and see if they get a different reaction.

        You are now in ‘EXPERIMENT!’ phase, we look forward to hearing the results.

      2. Morning Flowers*

        Yeah, I have a sister with anxiety, and I’ve long since moved on from “please stop apologizing” to my most detached possible “okay” when she overapologizes. If she’s repeatedly apologizing, like four times in a paragraph or twice a sentence, I … still really try not to tell her “I don’t want you to apologize.” That’s because in my sister’s case, she *knows* that, she’s just in the grip of her anxiety beast rn! Does your coworker know he shouldn’t apologize so much? Sounds like prolly not. Is it your job to teach him that? Definitely not. He is not your sibling. Just “okay” is enough.

    8. Astor*

      Just adding that I’m a chronic apologizer and this is what I want. Like, sure, it’s sometimes useful if someone helps me identify if I’m actually responsible for that error or not, but mostly I just mean it as “sorry for the inconvenience; here’s what I’m doing to make it easier” and the first part is intended as an acknowledgement that something wasn’t ideal.

      When I say “sorry that I didn’t catch Johnny’s error earlier; I’ve added x to my procedures for the future” I’m not literally taking responsibility for Johnny’s mistakes. But I am thinking “wow this is so much harder to clean up now than if we caught it at the time, and since it passes through my hands then I hold some responsibility for it. I’m going to use that responsibility for doing checks from now on”. Johnny’s errors are his manager’s responsibility, my responsibility is the effects of that error. (Sometimes it’s not! Then I say, “sorry, you’ll have to contact Johnny to resolve this” or “sorry, Johnny needs to correct this so I’ve CCed him here” or maybe “sorry, I’ve corrected it now”.)

      I’m not saying this is what’s going on with your coworker. It doesnt sound like it is. But what I am trying to reassure you is that there are chronic apologizers who do not want or need your reassurance. I’m just expressing recognition that something went wrong. And I think if you treat it as an acknowledgement instead of as apology, it might be easier for you to handle.

      (Also, yup, some of its that I’m Canadian and it’s just a transition in our sentences but some of it’s likely a trauma response to always misreading how to be normal.)

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      I would bet that his routine has been designed (consciously or otherwise) to ELICIT her reassurance, though. This kind of performative Sorry Ballet isn’t for the person who was theoretically inconvenienced or hurt–it’s for the person who is convinced that any thing he says/does “wrong” will be the end of him, and he MUST be assured that this is not so.

      1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

        Way late, and I agree, as someone who has done this a lot in my career as a (never successful) tactic to get out ahead of criticism for what I assume is a career-ending mistake but is usually a tiny blip. I do at least offer a solution and I don’t make the same mistake twice.

        But mostly I had to comment that, probably because the last sentence in the comment before was “I’m Canadian,” I read “routine” as “poutine.”

    10. Chick-n-Boots*

      You aren’t wrong but c’mon – we all know how the social contract works. It’s hard NOT to do that when someone is apologizing to you, particularly when you know it’s sincere. Let’s not beat up on the LW for not instinctively knowing how to handle this, particularly in a work setting when the threshold for being kind/nice/responsive to a coworker is pretty high and not doing those things can have negative repercussions for you.

      I think Alison’s scripts are good and I’m glad so many folks suggested that the LW loop in the manager on her new approach so that she’s not taken to task herself for rebuffing/redirecting all the unnecessary apologizing.

  4. Caramel & Cheddar*

    I do think it’s worth separating him doing this to patrons and him doing this to colleagues. Maybe the volume with patrons is also problematic, but that’s probably because you’re hearing it every time he does it vs the patrons who are only hearing it once or twice and it comes across to them as a general customer service tone.

    I say sorry a lot, but I am also Canadian so I don’t know that most people notice. That said, I’ve had fellow Canadian colleagues do this where it’s even a bit much for me, and I’ve said variations of the examples here to them in the past. I think it’s worth noting that it’s not really an apology so much as a vocal tic(ish) — think of it as similar to someone always saying “Ope!” when they do something because they’re form the midwest or whatever.

            1. C*

              HTML tags, and you can google for them. Trust me, that will be easier than people here trying to tell you how to use basic HTML without it automatically rendering.

  5. Free Meerkats*

    And how to move forward when being kind (its own kind of emotional labor) doesn’t work? And I’d bet this month’s grocery bill it won’t make any difference.

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      Over time, you can make the kindness brief-er, because you’ll have built up an understanding with him that “Oh na” with a hand wave means “no apologies needed”. And just not doing the emotional support will help a lot.

  6. Ellis Bell*

    You need to have a lot of short sharp scripts ready to go and to be comfortable with interrupting here, because chronic apologisers find it hard to break the record. A couple of phrases that I found useful with a chronic apologisers were: “Oh, you know apologies make me nervous. Can we just talk about the solution instead?” or “Let me stop you there! I know you have great solutions, do you think you can come up with some for this?”, “Talk solutions to me”, or “I literally have zero problem with filling the printer…!” (you may need to repeat this one; I would go with doing so while smiling but not troubling yourself to go beyond one repetitive phrase or really trying to convince or converse). Good luck. The more positive you are, the more you cut off shame spirals, the more you use positive words like “solutions”, and keep it brisk and peppy, the more chance you have here.

    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      I like these suggestions, especially “Can we just talk about the solution instead?”

      Not that I’m saying he’s Catholic, but as a recovering Catholic myself I remember reading something about how guilt is something that some people use to absolve themselves of responsibility. That is, there’s no need to fix the problem so long as you feel guilty about the problem. I’m definitely not saying all Catholics are this way, nor am I saying that all people who feel guilty are this way. I’m just saying that it does happen and this sounds like one of those cases. But what to do about it? Well, as Ellis Bell said, focus on solutions to the problem and cut off the shame spirals.

      1. Anon (and on and on)*

        I’ve struggled with guilt as well (Jew, here). I have a list of reminders in my phone around mental health and one of them is just “Guilt isn’t behavior.”

        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          Hahaha, I love that! I shall add it to my list of AAM comments that I want to forever remember. (Yes, I have a list. Doesn’t everyone?)

          1. i am a human*

            Can you share your list in open thread???? I love this. Or maybe it’s an Ask the Readers question and everyone can share their favorite comments and/or advice they’ve read on the site.

            1. Slow Gin Lizz*

              There aren’t too many of them in the list so far, but here they are. I’ll try to remember to share on Friday too, but that’ll depend on how many work meetings I end up having.

              Instead of pointing out the dust in my house, why are you not worried about yours that’s actively burning down?

              If you are to do nothing today, may you do it gallantly.

              Knowing [the horrible people] are horrible doesn’t really make it [the situation] any easier to deal with.

              Comedy is at its best when it punches up and not down.

              Difference between how-tos and SOPs: In reality the same as between an envelope and a device to protect and contain a letter during mailing.

              Guilt isn’t behavior.

    2. coffeespoons*

      This entire letter was really timely for something I’ve been encountering as a supervisor with one of my staff, and I really like this suggestion in particular–thanks Ellis Bell! I’m going to try to incorporate this with a staffer who has some patterns very similar to what the LW described.

    3. Aerin*

      Depending on the relationship, with some people I find that after the initial awkward conversation pointing out the problem, you can just say “you’re doing the thing again” or have a code word that signals “remember that talk we had where I established compassionate understanding but still told you to knock it off? Insert that here”

      I remember once I was trying to talk to my mom in an emergency situation where I had bad reception, and she kept repeating “Sweetie, I’m so sorry, I can’t hear what you’re saying, it keeps cutting out” (the whole thing) until I was ready to scream “STOP EXPLAINING!” Not that you’re dealing with that sort of scenario, but once you’ve said the script once, going through it again and again gets grating very quickly if it’s anything more than a couple of words.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I get overexplainers at my job, and often they want to recite the entire tale of how they came to do or not do this or that on their order: they really do feel bad about “causing a problem.” But the problem I need to solve is not that they forgot to ask for no tomatoes–it’s contacting the store quickly enough so that they can not make that pie with tomatoes!

        When people cut off an apology spiral, it’s often so they can stop the problem from getting BIGGER, not because they’re angry at the initial goof. Life happens, wrong buttons get pushed, we all agree! But I have to call the store RIGHT NOW about this or it’s going to have to be completely remade and delay your delivery by a good twenty minutes and that’s a much bigger deal than the original mistake.

    4. Sleeve McQueen*

      If it’s apologising for everything I go in with a bright “Unfortunately, you’ve exhausted your allocated “sorry”s for the day, I can’t allow you any more”
      If it’s for stuffing up I just say “thank you, but what I need more than apologies is to ensure it doesn’t happen again. what can we do differently”

      1. Cardboard Marmalade*

        If I otherwise have a good relationship with someone and feel confident that our senses of humor are pretty well aligned, I will sometimes handle an over-apologizer with some gentle humor/silliness to interrupt them, too. As an example, when someone starts apologizing, I might say, “I shall NEVER forgive you,” in a hammy/overdramatic way to make them laugh, realize they’ve gone over the top, and interrupt the cycle. I do want to emphasize that this is very culture-specific and coworker-specific. I would never do it with a coworker who I hadn’t already spent a fair amount of time joking around with.

  7. Llellayena*

    This might be better from a manager, but for the sorries where you actually need him to fix something, what about “I don’t want an apology, I want a solution. What are you going to do differently next time.” That refocuses him on a question/answer and makes him THINK about what you asked him to change instead of you requesting an acknowledgement of a solution YOU told him which he can just auto-react to. Basically short circuiting the in one ear, out the other effect that is the result of reacting with an apology so the info has to actually stop at the brain on its journey.

    1. samwise*

      Yes. It’s going to feel rude to you (since you describe yourself as reassuring him when he apologizes), but it’s not rude — it’s direct. You can use a kind tone, try not to sound as exasperated as you feel.

      If you can’t bear to go completely direct like this, throw in a couple of niceties: Thanks, but I don’t want an apology. We need a solution. Could you say what…

    2. Dust Bunny*

      My supervisor’s script is more along the lines of, “Stuff happens, but we need to decide what we’re going to do next/show me where this went wrong/[whatever suits the situation]”. She is very much someone who doesn’t want to wallow in apologies: She wants to know that you know what happened and are ready to figure out how to reduce the chances that it happens again.

    3. Yorick*

      Since LW isn’t his manager, I’d try a more casual, “I’m not mad. Please try to remember next time!”

      2. ariel*

        Honestly I’d let him think I’m mad – but “Please try to remember next time” is kind and direct. Women spend a lot of time holding men’s hands in librarianship.

    4. TeaCoziesRUs*

      Yup. I’ve used this line on my kids before: “Hmmm? You’re sorry? I can’t hear it. Your actions are speaking too loudly. SHOW me you’re sorry by fixing [the behavior].”

      It works well when I’m at BEC levels with their clutter. They know it’s the warning shot before their stuff randomly goes missing.

    5. ThatOtherClare*

      And for the times he doesn’t need to say sorry, a warm and breezy – ‘No apology necessary! But I’ll take a “Thanks”‘

      The reason that over-apologising is so annoying is that it implies they think you’re a scary person who will act in a scary way if they don’t grovel, which is kind of insulting. Tragic, but still insulting. Ridiculous excess gratitude is somewhat easier to take because it at least implies that you’re a metaphorical angel rather than a metaphorical demon.

  8. megaboo*

    I felt like I could have written this. The department has a person who is very similar. They are very kind, but everything is their fault.

    1. Librarian of Things*

      I think we all have one. I’m looking out at my staff thinking a) I know who wrote this and b) I know who they wrote it about, simply because they’re such common behaviors.

      For my Constant Apologizer, they just get a brief, “thanks,” then we move on to what I want to see next time. Since I am the boss and not just a colleague, I get a little more attention to the fixes, but it still usually takes repetition before it sticks, with escalation in frustration. Then I get to, “you absolutely must stop doing X,” I get an apology and a look like I’ve just kicked a puppy. But at least X stops.

      (Except when X=hunting me down because there’s a phone call. We have voicemail. If I don’t answer my phone, let them leave a message. Don’t leave the service desk unattended to roam the library to find me, elbow deep in some plumbing issue or meeting with the bookkeeper, just to tell me there’s a salesman on hold for me!)

    2. Ally McBeal*

      I had a classmate like this when I was in high school. It was an extremely conservative religious school and her family was one that taught women to be submissive and subservient, so her apologies – which felt almost like a verbal tic – really bothered me even though I hadn’t even started on my feminist reawakening at that age. Her mom was similar, her brothers were not. She was sweet as pie (and smart and kind) but I didn’t want to be around her at all.

    3. Aggretsuko*

      I would bet a million dollars that this guy has been abused/yelled at a whole lot in his life, particularly likely that it was in a previous job. I say this as someone who used to apologize like I breathed AIR, because everything I did was wrong.

      It’s kind of flabbergasting how I don’t do it nearly as much any more now that I’m out of that situation. But it takes awhile to de-escalate from that level of inner blame and panic I had going on all the time.

    4. SALC*

      For the stuff where it’s actually NOT ok, my favorite way to respond to apologies where you can’t say ‘that’s ok’ because it’s not is to say ‘thanks’ or ‘I appreciate that’—and then you can move on to asking what happens next. It’s a way to kind of accept the apology without implying that the apology has fixed everything. “Thanks, I appreciate that, but this is the second time this week… do you have a plan for making sure this doesn’t happen again?”

    5. Csethiro Ceredin*

      I briefly dated a guy like this. After each of our three dates he called me and GROVELLED AT LENGTH about things he thought he had done wrong. Two I hadn’t even noticed and one I didn’t think was a problem. My reassuring him made no difference, lightly saying “no need” as I might at work made no difference, and noting the pattern to him just produced another long apology.

      He said he was an HSP, but I have known other HSPs and didn’t expect this. It was just too much emotional labour and I stopped seeing him.

      I hope he is doing better, but wow it was exhausting. My sympathies to OP and those dealing with these unfortunate folks.

  9. Kitano*

    Perhaps you could try to help him see that the best way to apologize is to do etter by being more direct? Something like:

    “I appreciate you saying that, but the best way for you to apologize is by changing your behavior. I dont need you to say “I’m sorry” for every little thing, but I do need you to change your behavior if it caused the issue in the first place. That’s what people mean when they say actions speak louder than words – apologizing without fixing the issue isn’t actually an appropriate apology.”

      2. ferrina*

        It’s possible he does.

        The worst over-apologizer I ever met used apologies and shame as a replacement for tangible change. He seemed like a really nice guy who was helpful and friendly and trying his best, just a bit bumbling. But when you spent a lot of time with him, a pattern emerged. He would over-apologize, you’d feel bad for him and forgive, and he wouldn’t change. Or even worse, he’d do a performative change for 1-2 weeks where he would try sooooo hard but then within 2 weeks be sick or have a stressful thing at work or have a stressful thing at home and he would need to focus on that, and suddenly his habits went right back to how they always were. It was like clockwork.
        Eventually it came to light that he had serious self-esteem issues, and he hated self-reflection above all else. Without self-reflection he couldn’t change, so he used the performative shame spiral to make other people feel guilty for asking him to change. It worked 90% of the time, and when it didn’t work, he’d talk crap and undermine the person that saw through him.

        2. Twitchy grey dog*

          Yes yes yes. I work with this guy and while of course it’s possible (likely) that there’s a self-esteem root to this, there is also very possibly a strategy to it. By abusing himself he puts everyone on the hook for helping him and making him feel better, so (a) he gets the affirmation he needs (“I suck” “No, you don’t suck”) and (b) he can refuse to change and it just means he gets *more* affirmation (“I still suck” “No…”).

          And it also defuses any attempts to hold him accountable.

          I was finally tipped off when my report who was like this moved from being just marginal to blatantly missing deadlines and turning in crap work. So I sat him down, explained, told him what was needed, and as he started to apologize I said “I’ve heard your apologies for a year now, and I don’t need them anymore. They aren’t very meaningful if the work isn’t right. I need the work to be right.” He flipped out, got really angry, and moved onto another team. I think he figures that if he’s criticizing himself, no one else gets to.

          So don’t ignore the possibility that this behavior is really working for him in some way.

    2. Berin*

      I think this is appropriate (and well-stated!) for a supervisor to say, but it may be a little heavy-handed coming from a coworker.

  10. Lisa*

    In this case I wonder if he has something like ADHD contributing to things like the time blindness and getting distracted mid-task. Are there things he is better at than others that could lead to a differentiation in duties, so that he’s playing to his strengths more than trying to wade through things that don’t align with his brain? That might not be something you can do as a coworker, but something for the manager to consider as an accommodation if he does indeed have a diagnosed issue.

    As a manager, whenever I’m coaching someone on an issue, I try to approach it also with a “How can I help you make sure this doesn’t happen again?” Since I’m the boss, I usually get the “Oh, I can do it” response now that they’ve been called out, so that might be quite the right framing for a coworker. But maybe a mix of that with the “no apologies” line, like “No apologies, but what can we (or you) do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”

    1. Librarian Mom*

      I know we aren’t supposed to diagnose letter writers or the subjects of letters, but the description of this coworker and the specific examples were almost an exact match for my sweet child who has ADD and autism. They are smart and enthusiastic and lovely, and utterly exasperating because they walk around in a constant state of shame because they can’t read people well and they have time blindness and are constantly distracted by everything interesting. They also love people and want to be helpful, and have spent their entire life with people getting frustrated with them all the time. Teachers, siblings, coworkers. I get it—I’m their parent and love them to death, and they are exhausting. But they are also exhausted and stressed and ashamed all the time too.

      As a coworker though, you can’t diagnose or suggest meds or anything. However, be kind, warm, and direct. Say clearly, “no apology necessary” or “no need to worry about it” or “I don’t need an apology, I need you to…”. If you were the manager, I would tell you to give this coworker a limited set of tasks with clearly defined steps, perhaps even written down for him. And lots of praise for things he is doing well. This kind of a workplace where job duties are up to whoever volunteers and are constantly changing might not be the best fit for him. It sounds like he needs fewer tasks and they need to be something he has ownership over and can do often enough to stay focused and do well.

      1. Dawn*

        I mean, frankly, while reading the letter I was thinking that it sounded a lot like the way my own ADHD and autism presented when I was in my 20s, but the thing is that it’s not especially relevant to the solution, which is (one way or another) to stop providing the reassurance he’s seeking.

        Whether that’s because of a mental health issue or just because he’s Like This (and I’m not entirely certain the two can really be distinguished sometimes – the behaviour itself becomes the issue) his behaviour is still his responsibility.

      2. SunnyShine*

        I agree as someone with ADHD, autism, and learning disabilities. I did similar things. Sure, it doesn’t mean anything to the LW. But what it could mean is that mistakes will keep happening. She needs to figure out how to find peace about because he may not change.

      3. mm*

        funny how often “we’re not supposed to diagnose letter writers or the subjects of letters” is followed by “but this time!!! it’s different and ok!!!!”

        1. NonnyNoMates*

          To be fair, they weren’t diagnosing, they were comparing behaviours to someone *who has ADHD/autism* and then proposing ways forward based on that experience. Not the same thing.

            1. SunnyShine*

              You’re commenting to multiple Neurodivergent people. Try taking things literally instead of reading into it. There isn’t any implication.

    2. Jojo*

      I worked with a guy with ADHD and was also a chronic apologizer. The apologies were a defense mechanism for how poorly he was treated growing up with all the problems that ADHD can cause. He would apologize for how poorly he was going to do something before he was even doing it. It was really sad because he was an older gentlemen and he had been verbally beaten up for his entire life. Trying to stop the apologies would have likely take a lot of therapy.

      So, I support the very good AMA advice on how to handle this and resign yourself to the idea that it’s probably not something you can actually change.

      1. Double A*

        Yeah my husband does this for these reasons. It’s a defensive behavior. If he’s already beating himself up about it, then you can’t criticize him. On the rare occasions I do say something he perceives as critical, he can get quite defensive. Because HE can criticize himself all day long but heaven forbid someone else do it.

        Fortunately my husband has many lovely qualities and has gone to enough therapy that that when this pattern manifests we can talk through it. But his go to is still a defensive apology rather than trying to change the behavior he’s apologizing for. It’s pretty exhausting at times.

        And I’ve tried to get him to change his apologies into thank yous because it would mean so much to me! “Sorry I’m so tired today and not being helpful” is a drag and means I have to do emotional labor to assure him. “Thank you for picking up the slack while I’m feeling crummy” would fill my bucket!

        Ah well, maybe we’ll work on that this decade of marriage :)

        And yeah, it takes decades and a relath as close as marriage to make much progress on this pattern….

        1. JustaTech*

          This is super helpful, actually! I do a lot of apologizing for the ADHD things I haven’t managed to/might not ever be able to fix, so it’s good to see from the outside that maybe “thank you” is better than “I’m sorry”, because it centers the other person more?

    3. Ellis Bell*

      I mean, it’s possible that literally anyone could have ADHD, but I’m with OP on their assessment that it’s simply due to the fact that they have a desire to do everything. If you have the kind of (not medical) anxiety that makes you think you’re going to be criticised for only doing 99 out of one hundred tasks, you’re not going to be applying things like logic and time management to a goal like that. I agree that he needs specific duties, and to focus on things he’s good at, but it’s really hard with a constant-apologiser of the kind OP describes; these are the kinds of people who feel like they can never do enough.

      1. CPTSD*

        I have CPTSD and used to apologize a lot. I have gotten better, but I didn’t realize how much it affected others before. I experienced a lot of abuse for much of my life, which makes it hard to feel like I’m not constantly a burden, especially at work. The combination of trying to manage my own trauma (while also being worried that being burdensome might lead to me losing my job) makes things feel untenable at times. I hope things get easier for the apologizer and he’s able to work on his self-worth. It’s really hard constantly feeling like you’re a problem just for existing.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          Yeah, this really. I’m not ruling out ADHD at all, it absolutely may have contributed to whatever led this person being made to feel like they’re a problem unless they’re useful, but that tends to be “I suck at my responsibilities” whereas the person who is “I have to do everyone’s responsibilities or why would they even have me around” feels more like more than the experience you’re describing to me.

    4. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Please see commenting rules about why we don’t armchair diagnose. And regardless of what actual reasons might be causing his behavior, that doesn’t really change the advice so let’s leave ADHD out of it.

      1. allathian*

        People aren’t claiming the LW’s coworker has any particular issue, they’re saying that his behavior fits a pattern they recognize. That’s okay by my understanding of the rules.

        But regardless of the reason, the behavior has to stop. Sounds like this is above the LW’s pay grade, though.

    5. glubbtop*

      I thought of ADHD too, especially if unmanaged. I knew someone (who was eventually diagnosed in their 40s) who basically went through life in a haze of confusion and screwups because their executive functioning was so impaired. All they could do was apologize after the fact, or (at least in this case) be constantly very cute and charming in ways that were designed to distract people from the fact that they just messed up a simple two-step task or forgot something essential AGAIN. I felt sorry for them, but it was also maddening to work with someone like this as we had to redo absolutely everything constantly.

    6. Meggles*

      100%. The description absolutely rings true for rejection sensitivity dysphoria, ADHD and/or autism. I felt like I was reading a description of myself, 15 years ago. I had to change jobs to be able to manage my symptoms better.

    7. Tea Monk*

      Yes, people are aware that their errors are causing people to write mean fanfic about them ” He forgot to file the Stroganoff Letter as a ploy to control me!” or he was 2 minutes late so he obviously was late just to disrespect me so people get complexes. The briskly moving along scripts are great. No need for apologies, how are we going to remember where to put the Crockpot Diaries in the right place next time

  11. Typity*

    I worked for a few years with a compulsive apologizer. In her case it was because she was so humble and self-effacing (in the Uriah Heep sense of “as a cover for implacable rage,” but that’s a different kettle of worms), but she’d frequently apologize for the weather, or how full the parking lot was.

    I finally defaulted to a quick “Sure” or “Sure, OK.” And then going on with whatever I needed to say “I’m so sorry for the weather… ” “Sure! Anyway…” “But I really want to apologize…” “Sure, OK. And about that changed deadline…” Acknowledge it, then instantly move on. Might be worth a try.

    1. samwise*

      A fellow student in grad school was a constant apologizer and self-deprecater. It drove everyone in the cohort bonkers, because it started to feel like fishing for compliments. And even if it weren’t, we were tired of propping them up and reassuring them all. the. time.

      We finally did what you did — OK. [back to topic]. Uh-huh [back to topic]. Really? [shrugs][back to topic] Sometimes we didn’t even bother to respond to the apology/deprecation — just steamrolled right over it. They didn’t change much, but we felt less burdened.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Honestly it may be better for the person, too. In my experience, the people who do this are seeking reassurance, but rarely actually feel reassured, and it becomes this habit/reflex/compulsion they can’t quite break out of either. They may actually be grateful to be cut off.

    2. blerp*

      It also seems like a quick “sure!” will make the LW feel less of the emotional weight of having to reassure the employee and feeling responsible for making him feel better. When it is this compulsive, even all the assuring in the world isn’t making him feel better so she can at minimum allow herself to spend as little time as possible taking on his guilt and hit him with the Sure and keep it moving!

  12. GigglyPuff*

    As someone who was an over apologizer, I didn’t stop until a coworker just turned me to and said “stop apologizing so much”. This wasn’t an office job, it was in my early 20s so it was probably blunter than most people would want, but absolutely worked for me. And it really was just that sentence, no explanation or anything, just don’t apologize so much.

    I didn’t do the extra self judgment as this person, but honestly stop saying anything after he apologizes and said what he should’ve done, because yes he should have done that. Like The 1% said above, don’t reassure him. Just accept that sentence and maybe he’ll get it that people aren’t brushing off his excuses. It’s a very learned habit but falls into the realm of unlearning some social behavior and letting silence or a topic change speak for itself. Much like accepting apologies when you don’t want to, you have to teach yourself to say “I appreciate the apology” instead of a the knee-jerk, “thanks, that’s okay!” when it’s actually not.

  13. TooMuchOfAManager*

    It works for him, which is why he does it. At least that’s my take on it. Also, it smells a little bit of weaponized incompetence. At the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter why he’s doing it, just that this behavior needs to change and he absolutely needs to improve his ability to do tasks correctly, quickly, and without “apologizing.”

    1. Redaktorin*

      This! I was married to a constant apologizer at one point. It was how he made sure that nobody was ever “allowed” to be mad at him and everybody was always focused on making him feel better.

  14. Absolutely Anon for This*

    I could have written this letter about my husband. He’s autistic and reflexively apologizes for everything but does not change his behavior. I have been working on this with him for over a decade and, not to be a Debbie Downer, nothing has worked. This behavior is exhausting.

    In grad school I had a fabulous professor would would say, “No Sorry!” when any of us in the class would apologize for something that wasn’t our fault, particularly folks with marginalized identities. It helped me a lot to see when I really should be apologize and when I shouldn’t. I’ve tried it with my husband and all it does it get him to stop talking. He apologizes again later for something else. Best of luck, OP, you’re going to need it.

  15. Shift Work*

    “Red Alert Remorse Top Priority Contrition Protocol” will be joining “I’m a lot of things, but Dumb ain’t one of them…” on my list of favored phrases. :)

    1. coffeespoons*

      Hells yes– “Red Alert Remorse Top Priority Contrition Protocol” is glorious, and I am tucking that away in my mental workplace phrasebook. It so accurately describes the thing that one of my reports does, too.

  16. Pita Chips*

    When I had a direct report with a habit of over-apologizing, I sent them a link similar to this one and they found it helpful in stopping.

  17. another librarian*

    Another brief sentence that can interrupt the spiral – a bright, sunny, “That’s my job!”

    Not appropriate for all of these, but when he’s apologizing for making you talk to patrons or print out your own forms, it might help. It both cuts off the guilt for making you do that and also established that it’s out of his scope.

  18. High Score!*

    Once upon a time, I was in a similar situation except my coworker thanked everyone all the time, thanked them multiple times in the same conversation. SO everyone time ze thanked me, I would thank ze right back.
    TBF it didn’t end the thanking and we often got into thanking contests but then I was amused rather than annoyed.

  19. Anonforthis*

    I used to be that person, constantly apologizing and even after years of actively reminding myself I didn’t do anything wrong and don’t need to apologize, I still slip up and do it. I like the idea of the script, or interrupting it when it happens. Once I realized the apology wasn’t genuine if I didn’t actually make the mistake, that’s when it clicked. Wishing you luck with your situation!

  20. Slow Gin Lizz*

    This is the perfect time for one of the best parts of my favorite movie.

    “Now please be quiet!”
    “I’m sorry!”
    “Don’t be sorry, be quiet!”
    “I’m sorry!”

  21. Thomas Merton*

    One of my employees is a compulsive apologiser, and at first I tried to reassure him that it wasn’t necessary to say sorry so often. Luckily with him he does good work and doesn’t repeat mistakes, so now I just let the apologies pass without remark. It’s clearly a defense mechanism for him, but became less irritating to me once I acknowledged it’s not one that disrupts my life.

  22. Teachers Kid*

    Not attempting to armchair diagnose anyone, but just giving my own experience. I saw “sorry” a lot and it is 100% a trauma response. That doesn’t make me any less annoying when I do it, though. (But it does mean that sometimes I apologize to my husband for just…you know…existing, and he gently reminds me I don’t have to apologize for everything, and that it’s annoying when I do…and then I end up apologizing for annoying him, and it’s a vicious circle.)

    It is really helpful to me when my friends and loved ones call attention to the pattern for me. So, I cosign all of Alison’s advice. If you act aggressively normal about pointing it out, there shouldn’t be any awkwardness for either of you. Best of luck.

  23. dackquiri*

    Ooh! I used to be this bitch, and I used to eat my crackers all over the damn place. The “I need a change in behavior, not an acknowledgement of guilt” was kinda the crux of my epiphany of self-improvement, but unfortunately, that was the gist of the internal sentiment, not words that were said to me that snapped me out of it.

    But what did snap me out of was people who stopped accepting “sorry” when it didn’t apply, that it’s not a magic word that makes people stop being “mad” at you. (In quotes because as you’ve noted, a lot of time no one is mad and no one would ever be mad.) And the funny thing is it wasn’t even directed at me, it was women speaking to other women around me who were trying to impart advice on how to not get steamrolled by the workplace misogyny that shallowly praises demureness in women but actually preys upon it.

    This might be an approach that requires more patience than you currently can spare at this point, and I can’t guarantee it’ll work on your coworker, but it definitely is what was most effective on Me In 2013. I’d suggest at the first offense in an exchange, “I hear you, you feel guilty, I get it; but you truly have nothing to apologize for here (or any of Alison’s scripts). So, today, for reshelving—” Nonpunitive acknowledgement of the sentiment while calling it out as what it actually is (guilt, not actual atonement), moving on.

    Then, if he circles back to it, then you can treat it as weird. “Why are we still on about that?” And definitely take offense to things that are offensive! Interrupting you to get back on his self-flagellating soapbox? Mansplaining gendered language to you? I know that a confrontational callout is likely to cause more apologizing, but if it’s in your nature to react to offensive behavior by raising your eyebrows in a taken-aback way, with an “Oh, OK then, you’re doing that, wow” energy… if he can key into the nonverbal cue, that’s a very potent form of feedback for people who are this wound up about how they’re seen.

    Again, I’m not trying to backseat drive here and I’m almost certainly guilty of projecting my own shit onto a stranger whose deal I don’t know. Definitely don’t do anything that makes you think “that’ll probably backfire with this guy.” But in case this could be a perspective useful to this unpleasant situation, I figured I’d offer it.

    1. coffeespoons*

      “’I hear you, you feel guilty, I get it; but you truly have nothing to apologize for here (or any of Alison’s scripts). So, today, for reshelving—’ Nonpunitive acknowledgement of the sentiment while calling it out as what it actually is (guilt, not actual atonement), moving on.”

      Quoting this because THIS. This was what I needed to hear when I was the over-apologizer 20 years ago, and I think it might help me in my current workplace, too. I like that this acknowledges the emotion, but aims to redirect toward action, the thing that needs to happen next. Thanks for this, dackquiri!

    2. CommanderBanana*

      ^^ This: “I need a change in behavior, not an acknowledgement of guilt”

      Until that happens, I do not care about, nor do I want, your apologies.

  24. Orv*

    I know I do this, and it’s a hard habit to break. Part of it is I take criticism very hard, and I think a part of my brain is trying to ward off any criticism by preemptively taking responsibility, even for things that aren’t my fault. I’m also not very good at coping with other people being angry, so part of it is also trying to get ahead of other people’s unhappiness with a situation in order to avoid having to deal with their anger (but that often backfires).

    Often in the moment I really do feel like the problem is something I should have anticipated. I’m not a main character sort of person in life, so if I’m not smoothing things over for people who are, what am I good for?

    I am the stereotypical person who will respond to “stop apologizing” with “oh, I’m sorry.”

    1. Dust Bunny*

      What I think is odd about this is that you probably do it, though, with people whom you know well enough to know if they will actually think it’s your fault or not, but you might not be calibrating your degree of sorry accordingly.

      My supervisor is not big on gushy apologies so I know if I screw up it’s a lot more important that I apologize **briefly** and then go on to whatever solution I have to offer or, if I genuinely don’t know where to go next, questions about how I should proceed. The apology is at best a short introduction and at worst an obstruction to the actual solution. And we work with a patron base that’s full of towering egos so we sometimes need to apologize for things that aren’t our fault/responsibility for PR reasons, but we still don’t dwell on the apology part before moving on to the actual resolution.

    2. WillowSunstar*

      I did this a lot when I was younger myself. I’m sure it stemmed from being criticized a lot when growing up. Didn’t really screw up majorly or anything, just had a very perfectionistic mother who pretty much no one was good enough for. It took me years to grow out of it.

  25. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Another possible strategy to try: when Insecure Coworker apologizes for something that’s legitimately out of his control like the book waitlist, tell him that he should try saying “thank you” instead of “sorry.” It shows more confidence while acknowledging the inconvenience and without putting the other party in the awkward position of reassuring Insecure Coworker. For example, “Thank you for your patience, I appreciate it” when a patron waits for him to finish with other patrons before he gets to them. “Thanks for letting me know! Can I help you get on to another workstation?” if one of the public computers suddenly freezes. “Thank you” can reframe things positively, and it makes people feel appreciated instead of obligated.

    P.S. I know this does annoy some people, which is why he should only use it when a situation is truly out of his control. “Thanks for being patient” comes off very differently when the speaker made you stand there while they finish their Wordle on their phone.

  26. TrainedYoung*

    I grew up in an environment where everything was my fault whether or not it was actually my fault. I learned early to apologize for everything all the time as a survival mechanism. I’m in my 50s now and, even being aware and having worked on it for decades, I still instinctively apologize for a lot of things that either aren’t my fault or don’t warrant apologies. It’s still automatic, especially if I’m tired or sick or stressed.

    FWIW, I do recognize legitimate feedback and work on those things when they’re brought to my attention with varying levels of success (just as everyone else) – not recognizing legitimate feedback isn’t inherently part of over apologizing and you may want to try to address them as separate issues.

  27. Overthinking it*

    Leave off the work “needed”. Just “no apologies!” You need the emphasize that the apologizing is not just unnecessary, but counterproductive. Also, I’d directly ask him to stop “can you please stop apologizing!) and start counting his apologies (out loud, or – when others are present – by holding up fingers) and not say anything other than the number, except maybe the first time of the day (“That’s one apology!”). then at the end of the day, give him a report. “You apologized 27 times today – and that was just when I was in the room! did you really do 27 bad things today??” Yeah, it’s going to be annoying, and a maybe just a bit rude, to be policing someone’s language, but he is annoying you. And if he is ever going to change, he has got to move from Unconscious Incompetence to Conscious Incompetence.

    1. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Do not do this. It might be amusing for you to keep a tab on how many “Sorry”s you get from him, but it is not a kind thing to do and if someone else found out it would reflect very badly on you. And to actually tell him how many times he apologizes? Uh uh, no way. If he has any kind of trauma in his background that is one of the reasons he apologizes so much, this would only serve to traumatize him further.

  28. Anon for this message please*

    I needed to see this today.

    I’m a chronic apologizer (I’d like to think not quite to the extent in the letter, but…maybe), and seeing it from the other perspective really dropped some scales from my eyes. To realize that I’m making other people perform excessive emotional labor to deal with me makes me feel worse about myself than I already feel. To realize that my attempts at humility and recognition of my errors are being seen as annoying obsequiousness is not a good feeling at all.

    Once I was reamed out up one side and down the other by someone close to me for this terrible over-apologizing habit, and that day stands out as a horrific memory even to this day. The pure vitriol and anger that person brought to their dressing down of me was absolutely stunning. It shriveled my core.

    I wish they had read Alison’s advice here. I would have heard it a lot better.

    I’m going to try to replace the memory of that horrible day with these lines instead.

    Maybe dealing with myself more kindly will help solve the underlying problem as well.

    1. Anon Support For Being Kind To Yourself*

      I support you in treating yourself with love and kindness!
      I have a beloved friend who both messes up, and then over-apologizes, really frequently. We both know it’s influenced by her ADHD brain and her abusive family of origin. My message to her is always, “You are awesome and I adore you. Do not be complicit in your own oppression.”
      I just won’t be an audience for the verbal self-flagellation, and she knows it’s because I love and accept her and don’t want to see the self-contempt performance.
      Her core-deep feeling that she is not good enough is so rough. I hope it helps her to know that I love and respect and value her.
      I also say, “I wouldn’t stand by and let anyone else talk about you that way, and I’m not listening to you do it either.”
      I feel like I’m role-modeling self love. The best part of my twenties was learning to love and accept myself, instead of living forever with “I am awful and I will never be good enough.” I wish I could package this and give it away to everyone. Hating yourself is never the answer. Loving yourself allows you the power to grow, and learn, and be a force for good in the world.
      Best wishes to you from an internet stranger!

    2. Cardboard Marmalade*

      I am just a skin sack filled with seething guilt for even existing, so I hear you! Definitely treat yourself kinder, and I don’t know if it will help, but one thing I’ve been incorporating lately in my personal life is to basically say the opposite of “I’m sorry” as often as possible. Ex: “I spent all Sunday just sitting on the couch reading; no regrets!” or “I took myself out for ice cream last night– best decision I ever made!” I feel like for me, even just the muscle memory of saying these more positive things is helping replace the physical impulse to apologize for myself so much.

  29. Fish out of water*

    I am a recovering apologizer and am now an effusive thanker. Is this better? Probably not, but my instinct in a new role (as I am now) is to acknowledge a mistake when someone points it out to me, so I default to “thanks.” He might have the same instinct. It sounds like your coworker, being newer at this job, is trying to meet expectations you model. Cheerfully and rotefully offering things like “tips do not equal criticism,” “we’re in this together,” “we’re in dialogue, all good,” and “‘thanks,’ no ‘sorry’!” might help both of you. Breaking the apology cycle isn’t something you can force on him and it’s not your duty, but making it clear with your affect that nothing you’re saying is too serious might help him realize the same.

    1. commensally*

      “Thanks not sorry” has a gamechanger not just for me but for other people I’ve tried t pass it on to. It’s a lot easier to divert the behavior than stop it entirely, especially if it’s an anxiety tic, and it forces you to frame it as being about a good thing somebody did instead of a bad thing somebody did.

      And having to think about what to thank the other person for can help with the unnecessary/necessary apology – if it’s something like filling the paper tray while you were busy with something else, “thanks for filling the paper tray!” just becomes a nice acknowledgement that you appreciate the small things coworkers do. If it’s something like “sorry it’s cloudy out” there’s really no way to rephrase as thanks without making a joke out of it – “thanks for soldiering on despite the horrors!” – and can help train them out of unnecessary apologies. And if it’s something like “Thank you so much for cleaning up my mess, I really didn’t expect you to take that on” it forces the person causing the problem to articulate exactly how this is problem for other people more than a “sorry I made a mess” does.

      As a coworker it could be tough to get them started on this – you aren’t paid nearly enough to be their therapist – but “I try for ‘thanks’ instead of ‘sorry'” can be a good opener or repeated quick script.

  30. mabel pines*

    I have a friend who is a nonstop apologizer and we’ve been working on it for over 20 years. She is . . . slightly better than when we were 18? It’s a very hard habit to break.

    In her case it’s complicated by crippling OCD, so maybe don’t rule out neurodivergence on the part of your coworker either. Things not being perfect can trigger real feelings of failure and shame for folks like this. I found that being clear about what I needed from her (when we lived together in college) did get me what I wanted, but I couldn’t give feedback on the way she did her work-arounds or her shame spiral would short-circuit. For example, she liked to wake up in the middle of the night to study and having her alarm go off repeatedly at 3am made me batty. I told her that I couldn’t have the alarm going off in our room, so she . . . stopped sleeping in our room and instead carried a battery-operated alarm clock around our apartment so she could sleep in various places. Was I tripping over my roommate who decided to sleep under the kitchen table? All the time. But at least she didn’t wake me up anymore.

  31. Dawn*

    “He’s constantly taking on the full responsibility for absolutely everything. It must be exhausting for him, and the rest of us have to reassure him multiple times a day that it’s not necessary.”

    Stop reassuring him.

    Seriously. Let him fall all over his sword if he wants. You can and should ignore it.

    I’m willing to bet that if he stops getting constant reassurance, he’ll stop constantly apologizing.

  32. Not A Raccoon Keeper*

    When I was an undergrad student staff, I was probably like this (hopefully less though!) I had a boss who would cheerily say “Not a sorry situation!”, which I have adopted in managing and in life. It was a helpful cue to me to move on, and obviously stuck with me nearly 20 years on.

  34. ccw*

    Would like to confirm the effectiveness of the swift “No apologies!!” with a hand motion after speaking about it the first time–I do this all the time with interns and fellows and peers and, in some cases, superiors. The tone is genial and warm but firm (sometimes loud and silly if the mood/relationship calls for it), and after a while this usually redirects the person to go “oh! yes! okay–[continue topic]” so no need for *you* to keep talking and to encourage *actual* communication and problem solving.

  35. jojo*

    I had a similar situation at work. A coworker complained about a cuss bucket. So every time cuss bucket came intoour office he was apologizing non stop for a couple of weeks. I finally told him first, I am not the one that complained. If I have a problem with you I will tell you. Second. This is my job. Why are you apologizing because you are asking me to do what I get paid to do? Make of that what you will.

  36. Probably Thinks This Song Is About Him*

    uhhhh I work in a public library and this describes me to a T. I’m not sure if I’m *actually* the person OP is talking about, but, I’m aware of this as a harmful, annoying tic. I’m in therapy (well, out right now due to an insurance issue, but usually in?) and trying to course correct. It’s just really difficult. I’ve been like this for years.

  37. Czech Mate*

    “It’s hard to bring up real issues and feel like he hears and understands that I’m asking for a change in behavior, not an acknowledgment of guilt” and “Because he apologizes so often, but he never follows up the “sorry” with any real change, I don’t actually take any of his apologies that seriously.”

    To me, that’s the real issue. In fact, it could be a sign that he’s learned to apologize as a way to deflect from the fact that he doesn’t want to improve. Everything else can sort of be explained as a tic, but with the bigger issues, I could see going to his manager and saying exactly that–“When I bring these things up, I’m asking for a change in behavior, not an apology, but that’s not what I’m seeing, and it affects my work in xyz ways.” You may still get an apology, but that might prompt him to start making changes, too.

    1. commensally*

      I would really hesitate to frame this as “doesn’t want to improve”. We aren’t diagnosing of course, but there’s a lot of comments upthread talking about how this kind of reflex apology is often a sign of someone with neurodivergence or other challenges that makes is very hard for them to do a lot of the things that OP’s coworker is apologizing for. Very often someone learns to pre-emptively apologize very young for everything because they spent their childhood being told that they could do better if they wanted to, it’s easy, and they need to apologize for making bad choices, when the underlying problem is that they *can’t* get better no matter how hard they try. The apology is a deflection of the fact that they *can’t* do what you want. (I spent a lot of time being asked to apologize for things about myself that were about as immutable as the rain, so of course I also learned to apologize for the rain!)

      That doesn’t absolve coworker of figuring out strategies with their manager for the things they aren’t succeeding at – but carrying forward that “if you really wanted to you could” they’ve gotten all their life won’t help with either the reflex apologies or the underlying difficulties.

  38. Almost Empty Nester*

    This reads to me more that he needs to learn to prioritize so he’s not racing around and creating things he needs to apologize for.

  39. Frosty*

    If you try all these things and he still does it, I’d ignore the apologies. Just respond with silence or an “uh huh”. Honestly I’d start saying “yes you should be sorry”. I do not have patience for this nonsense!

    1. H.Regalis*

      I did something similar once as a kid to another girl who was tearing herself down. The way she looked at me, you would’ve thought I had just dropkicked a baby. It shut up her up though, at least around me.

      1. Frosty*

        I have struggled in the past with being overly apologetic, especially as a kid. My mom would reassure me that I didn’t need to say sorry, and if I kept doing it, eventually she’d (lovingly teasingly) say “yes, as you should be”. It didn’t hurt my feelings and I understood her point.

        I still say it to people if they are being overly apologetic, and depending on your relationship it can be received fairly well. I don’t say it to be cruel but to point out that if they are going to be seeking reassurance, they aren’t going to find it with me after a certain point.

  40. spiriferida*

    My tactic for cutting off apologies when they’re getting too over the top is usually a cheerful “I get it!” So if someone’s apologizing for abandoning a task, it would be, “I get it! As long as you finish it now, thanks.” Said in the same tone you would say a “sure thing,” where you’re aiming for collaborative. It feels less harsh than some of the other options for shutting it down while still not requiring me to validate the apology spiral.

  41. anon for this*

    Seeing all these comments make me REALLY glad that when we first started seeing this behavior in our then 3rd grader, that we addressed it and worked on it with her to recognize the impulse and behavior and stop doing it. It took a surprising amount of work to correct a tendency she hadn’t even had for very long at all!

  42. Sedna*

    Oof. This is something I used to do a lot, and it was definitely from generalized anxiety & a need to control everything around me. And I know I had to be exhausting to be around! Agreed with others here: where it’s something that he does need to fix, you can kindly but firmly say “I don’t want you to apologize again, I want you to work on fixing this.” If it’s something he doesn’t need to fix or has no control over, you don’t even have to engage. Alison’s language is great – cut off the spiral and the emotional demand and move on to the next topic. In my case, once it became clear that people /didn’t/ want me to apologize for everything, I could get that reaction under control. And giving me a concrete task to fix a problem helped direct the fear I felt from making the mistake in the first place. Fingers crossed for you!

  43. Rain*

    I had a co-worker like this and we never did solve the problem. In every situation, her response was, “I’m very sorry.” Said like “imverysorry.” Even if we were just explaining that something was done by another employee that we needed to correct and letting her know to watch out for the same issue so she didn’t make that same mistake AND even after reassuring her that NO, she didn’t do anything wrong, it was still, “Well, if I did, I’m very sorry.” It was exhausting.

  44. Martin Blackwood*

    Heres hopefully kind script that would work best in the cases where there is An Affect On You, like the mail thing, not him like, not being there to refill the printer for you.

    “One sorry is enough for me! What are you going to do to make sure it doesnt happen again?”

    tbh “One sorry is enough” could apply to Basically Every senario here, but asking him to consider his actions is more productive than saying ‘its okay its okay its okay”. and then follow up on it! “Why didnt you check the mail addresses before taking them to the office when you said you would on Tuesday?” will probably get an apology, but hopefully it could have an effect on some things. And if not…its a bit more for your manager to follow up with

  45. DE*

    If a coworker interrupted me apologizing to them and held up their hand or some shit like they were my parent you’re right that it wouldn’t make me want to apologize to them. It would make me go to HR about their condescending behavior.

    1. Redaktorin*

      I’m very extremely sorry you feel that way, but I’ll also be doing the exact same thing a dozen more times this week.

    2. Raida*

      Good.
      Then they’d actually start dealing with the issues instead of living in “I’m not their manager” mode because they’d have to explain how they came to the conclusion of trying out this technique.

  46. Seriously*

    “Sometimes a visual signal like raising your hand in a ‘stop’ motion is useful too.”

    He’s not a dog! Seriously, I get the feeling that this advice would go down about as well as a slap in the face in any male-dominated blue-collar occupation.

  47. New Jack Karyn*

    ” in any male-dominated blue-collar occupation.”

    It isn’t! They work in a library. Using lot of advice from this blog requires that you know the culture of your workplace. Adapt it as necessary.

    In this case, the gesture doesn’t have to be the “Talk to the hand!” variety; it can be more like how you raise your hand when saying, “Whoa there!” The elbow stays bent, arm isn’t fully extended away from your body. It’s a different connotation of gesture, if that makes sense.

  48. nnn*

    The apologizing is actually a bit of a red herring here. The problem is that the apology is followed by multiple beats of self-recrimination, but no behavioural change.

    Because of that, I have mixed feelings about whether “No apologies” is the right focus.

    If I were mentoring or advising this co-worker, I’d advise him not necessarily to stop apologizing, but rather to replace the self-recrimination with “Next time I’ll…” and then make sure he does the correct thing next time.

    Of course, the tricky part here is that OP isn’t advising or mentoring him, they’re co-workers. So it’s not really OP’s place to do this, whereas it is potentially OP’s place to say “You, personally, don’t need to apologize to me, personally, in this kind of situation.”

    Maybe, maybe, maybe, sometimes, in some situations, you could carry off a “No apologizes needed, just get it right next time” (with adaptations of wording, tone, delivery, etc. to carry it off well), but you’d have to be certain you could make it come across as intended.

  49. Raida*

    Tell the Manager.
    Your Manager.

    This other staff member is failing to do tasks correctly, and after acknowledging the solution odes not implement them.

    You can also the your manager that the apologising is grating, and the emotional load is tiring, but both would be less of an issue if they weren’t paired with *valueless* apologies.
    An apology is fine. A repeated apology is annoying because it is *in place of finding a solution*. And a repeated apology *over time* with promises of improvement…? That’s incompetence. Sorry.

    Think of a fast food cashier: A trainee has a customer order spicy chicken combo, takes the order, realises they are out of spicy, overly apologises and gets flustered and doesn’t know what to do and asks for help and apologises they had to ask and apologises for the wait and and and…
    An experienced staff member says “Sorry we are out of spicy chicken would you prefer mild chicken or to order something else today?”
    Which one do you want serving you?

    So, you go to your manager with the examples of not improving, which covers the time management and incomplete tasks.

  50. Wot, no sugar?*

    On top of his chronic apologizing, it doesn’t seem like he’s that great of an employee (taking 25 minutes to drop off mail, leaving spare computer peripherals around, and doing these sorts of things multiple times?!
    ). What does he actually contribute to the job, besides disturbing coworkers? Maybe he should be put on a PIP. That might snap him out of his needless apologizing and force him to focus on his work. Otherwise, I can’t imagine what the upside is of keeping him around.

  51. Magdalena*

    I do not think “No apologies necessary” sends the right message when what you actually mean is “actively unwanted”. For other people it might be close enough but not for this person.

    In situations like the printer: I’d completely ignore the apology and immediately change the subject.

    In situations like the mail, I’d acknowledge it briefly with “okay” and immediately ask, can we figure out how to improve the work flow for next time? and when he responds by apologizing I’d again say okay and keep coming back to the topic.

    The big picture conversation is actually about two different things and I’d focus on the bigger issue first.

  52. Jay*

    I’m late to the party and I seriously doubt this advice would help in this scenario, but I still wanted to share some advice I was given when I was really young.

    I DID have a vocals tic/habit of saying “I’m sorry” in many situations where it didn’t apply. It was just a go-to thing. But even the act of saying it did make me feel responsible for something even if it definitely wasn’t the case.

    A very kind, older mentor told me that when I felt about to say “I’m sorry,” replace the wording with “Thank you” instead.

    You’d be surprised how many situations this actually works for. And the change in wording had a significant effect in how I viewed myself and interacted with others.

    Many years later, I have much more nuanced ways to comminicate “I’m Sorry” OR “Thank you,” but this silly trick got me through a lot.

  54. ariel*

    I also work in a library and have a coworker like this, taking ownership of every task and then apologizing for things so far outside their area of expertise it might as well be rocket science. My therapist has kindly explained I need to let it go – my coworker is likely in a lifelong codependency habit. I haven’t had luck convincing our bosses to address the issue head-on, but I am able to mostly communicate about issues through email and don’t work directly with them often. Maybe try emailing about issues? Or communicating them to your boss via email so you at least can refer to documentation when you’re saying “no apologies.” Good luck, trying to be okay at work in BEC mode is impossible in my experience!

  55. Blue Pen*

    Although I think this is a more extreme version, I’m reminded of a former colleague reading this letter. It wasn’t so much that they were constantly, excessively apologizing for things out of their control—although that could happen, too; rather, it was more cryptic communication designed to get you to engage with them and, more specifically, their brand of anxiety and need for validation. I think fondly of this person and know they mean well, but I just don’t have a ton of emotional space for constantly validating someone else.

    It is exhausting, and I have to discipline myself to pull back because I know that continuing to engage with it is is not serving anyone and won’t fix the situation.

  57. Sara*

    My brother has the perfect response to this when his kids do it: “Don’t apologize. Change the behavior.” Both our kids now know that we aren’t interested in hearing an empty apology, and they should just go ahead and start fixing whatever problem they caused.

  58. Kwsni*

    I have a couple of coworkers that do this, who are not as experienced as I am. At one point I got so exasperated with the sorrys that I said “I’m going to make you guys put a quarter in a jar every time you say sorry when you don’t have to, and you’ll buy us dinner next week.” We all laughed, and now I get to say “Sorry Jar’ and keep on rolling.
    It is a useful behavior to point out, because it undermines your competence and expertise.

  59. The Librarian's Sister*

    Ah, crap. My brother is a librarian who apologizes a lot (I don’t think this is him. He’s learned not to say them out loud all the time; they just play on sad loops in his head, for days afterwards). I have no good advice, because my relationship with him is such that I can say “hey, dumbass, knock it off with the apologies.”

    It is 100% from trying to satisfy a parent who enjoys never being satisfied. I worked hard at learning not to care so much what other people think, whereas he just tries to please everybody all the time.

    It’s OK to ignore/interrupt the apologies and keep focused on the actual subject of your conversation. In fact, interrupting the apology and moving on might be a relief to him.

  60. ReallyBadPerson*

    I don’t know what’s at the root of this guy’s chronic apologizing, but I once had to end a friendship with someone who behaved similarly. It was just so exhausting to deal with all the time. In her effort to diminish her impact on people around her, she actually increased it. One example: she came to visit me in my new home after I’d moved away, and instead of just allowing me to be hospitable, brought her sleeping bag, “so you won’t have to change the sheets,” and slept on top of the fully made bed. Yes, in her dirty sleeping bag that had seen many camping trips. So I had to wash the duvet cover as well as the pillow cases. This sort of thing, plus her constant “I’m sorry” was just too much work for me to manage. In her case, it definitely came from a low sense of self worth, so I think you guys might be on to something with annoying co-worker dude.

  62. HonorBox*

    I think offering a real apology when a situation calls for it is something that we all should do. Even the “I’m sorry about your goldfish dying” is an OK apology. I didn’t cause it but I’m sorry about the situation.

    But the over apology is multiple things. First, it is an annoyance. Clearly, the LW is annoyed by the constant apologies. Second, it shows lack of understanding for some social situations. You can’t apologize to me because you legitimately have no position to do so. And third, it will make any legitimate apology feel hollow. Or people are going to tune this guy out and never trust an apology.

  63. ThatOtherClare*

    I really feel for the guy. The problem with grovelling all the time because you think you’re surrounded by snarling demons is that you’re going to drive otherwise sane, kind, and reasonable people to snarl ‘Stop grovelling!!!’, thus fulfilling the cycle of delusional paranoia.

  64. toolegittoresign*

    hoo boy — anxiety making him take on too much, not do a good job and be terrified people are going to be mad at him.

    Allison’s advice about the apologizing is great, but it sounds like the role has such a wide variety of things that can come up in any given moment that it’s going to be hard for someone like him to perform well. It might be worth having a few conversations with him about priorities. Like “when you start something, you shouldn’t stop to do something else unless it’s an absolute building-on-fire emergency.” or giving hypotheticals like “a patron asks for help while you’re refilling the printer paper. The right thing to do then would be to say ‘sure thing, give me just one sec’ finish filling the printer, and THEN help them.”

    But, again, it seems like he’s in such a constant state of high alert “I MUST DO THINGS” that I’m not sure he’s going to be able to juggle everything.

  65. Sorry Sorry*

    I used to apologize too much. Then I read advice somewhere to spend more time saying “thank you” than “I’m sorry.” This helped me flip the focus from worrying about my own performance to appreciating others’ contributions. “Thank you for handling that disgruntled patron! You did that so smoothly” sounds better than “Sorry I didn’t handle that and you had to.”

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