my coworker is obsessed with us being happy all the time

by Alison Green on September 26, 2024

I’m off this week, so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2019.

A reader writes:

My coworker, Lenora, is the oldest person in our office. She is generally friendly, cheerful, and a hard worker. However, despite her genuinely sweet nature, she is about to drive us all up the wall. In short, she wants us to be happy all of the time, and she has made it her personal mission to make this happen.

She is constantly haranguing myself and all the other admin to smile, be more cheerful, etc. Conversations with her generally go like this:

Lenora: How are you today?
Me: Oh I’m just fine, thanks for asking.
Lenora: Just fine?! Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right? After all, we’re here and healthy and we have good jobs, so what is there to mope about?
Me: *awkward chuckle*

There are other things as well. When Lenora walks into meetings, she announces herself with, “Okay, now everyone turn those frowns upside down!”

She is constantly pushing us to use “more positive” language. For example, if we don’t do so well on a project and the client isn’t happy, we re-do the work. That’s normal for us. However, Lenora will tell everyone that we did GREAT on the project and it just wasn’t what the client wanted, but that’s not our fault! There’s certainly nothing wrong with encouraging people and being positive, but we need to be honest about our shortcomings so we can know where we need to improve.

She’ll also go up to people in the office and asks them why they’re not smiling. Then, when they say something like they were just thinking, she replies that it’s a beautiful day and there’s no reason to frown!

I could go on and on, but hopefully you get the idea. We’re not all a bunch of mopey curmudgeons here. This is a friendly, relaxed office and everyone does a good job. But we don’t sit here with smiles plastered on our faces 24 hours a day.

I also think Lenora’s comments can come off as very hurtful. We don’t know what’s going on in people’s personal lives, and pushing them to act extremely positive and happy can be detrimental to their mental and emotional health. I know I have suffered from depression in the past, and I couldn’t stand it if I were going through that right now and working with Lenora.

The thing is, we are all managed under one director of our department, and Lenora and the director are BFFs. I’ve worked here about three years, and I’ve never seen the director properly manage Lenora or scold her on anything, not even once. The director allows Lenora to do basically whatever she wants. That’s generally not a problem because Lenora does do her work, but it’s just this forced positivity that has gotten way out of control.

I’ve spoken with some other coworkers, and they are burned out with it also. We’d really like to just be left alone to manage our own emotions. Some days we are feeling a little down for one reason or another, and that’s okay. It’s part of life, and no one can be happy like that all the time (except for Lenora I guess).

I’m not sure if I should try to talk to our director, or if I should speak to Lenora directly, or what. But I think I might scream if I have to endure one more week of her reminding me to smile every time she sees me.

Before any screaming ensues, why don’t you and your coworkers try pushing back on Lenora in the moment? For example:

Lenora: How are you today?
You: I’m fine, thanks for asking.
Lenora: Just fine?! Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right?
You: Wow, that’s a really intense response. I’m fine.
Lenora: We’re here and healthy and we have good jobs, so what is there to mope about?
You: I’m not moping. I’m fine, and I’d rather you not try to manage my emotions like that.

Lenora: Why aren’t you smiling?
You: I was in the middle of thinking about a project.
Lenora: It’s a beautiful day and there’s no reason to frown!
You: Please don’t comment on my face — it’s very distracting when I’m trying to focus.

Lenora: Why aren’t you smiling?
You: You ask me that a lot! It’s distracting when I’m trying to focus, and I’d prefer you not comment on my face.

Some options for when she tells your team you did great on a project that wasn’t what the client wanted:
* “I think it will be more useful to focus on why we weren’t aligned with the client on what they wanted, and how we can avoid that happening in the future.”
* “I appreciate you trying to boost us up, but I don’t think we need a pep talk! It’s okay for us to be honest about where we need to improve.”

I’d try this for a while rather than going to your director. This is mostly an interpersonal issue, which your director would rightly expect you to try to solve on your own first. If you try this and it fails … well, it’s still probably mostly an interpersonal issue that doesn’t quite rise to the level of bringing it to your boss. Lenora has an annoying manner, and sometimes that’s just how it goes with coworkers. (The exception to this would be if she were hassling a depressed person or otherwise doing something that took this beyond Very Annoying. In that case, yes, talk to your boss.)

However, there’s a part of this that could fall outside of “interpersonal quirk for you to deal with on your own” — the part about how she tells everyone they did great on projects that your clients want redone. Depending on exactly how that plays out, it’s possible she’s actually undermining your office’s work and the likelihood of people improving. (For example, if she tells a junior person that their mistakes are nothing to worry about and they did great on a project that needs to be redone, and that person believes her and doesn’t put real effort into learning from their mistakes and improving their work — or worse, starts to think clients are unreasonable jerks who make unrealistic demands — she could do real damage to that person’s work and their professional growth.) So that part might be worth raising to your boss, framed as, “Lenora pushes very hard for everyone to be happy and feel good, to the point of telling people that work with mistakes is still great and it’s not their fault for not meeting the client’s standards. I’ve seen several interns blow off mistakes as a result, and I’m concerned her messaging it that way is doing them a real disservice and causing them not to take mistakes seriously.”

But mostly, the solution will be pushing back on Lenora in the moment. Right now it sounds like your office is capitulating to her tyranny of forced cheer, and there’s no reason the rest of you can’t say, “No, we don’t like this, please stop.”

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{ 223 comments }

{ 223 comments… read them below }

  1. Sneaky Squirrel*

    Bad advice time: I kind of think that LW should just trauma dump on Lenora.

    Lenora: “Why aren’t you smiling?”
    You: “Well my mother was just in a freak accident and I’m not sure if she’s going to make it. On top of that, my dog just passed away yesterday. Also I found out I’m being evicted because I haven’t been able to keep up with my dog’s medical bills.”

    1. Ghostess*

      Personally I’d lean more existential, “how can we be happy when there is so much suffering in the world” etc., and hope she skips over me with those questions in the future.

        1. Consonance*

          I recommend instead using quotes from Oscar the Grouch. Here’s a list I found!

          1. “I love garbage! All the colors and smells!”

          2. “I’m not happy unless I’m miserable!”

          3. “I’m the grumpiest, nastiest, most rotten Grouch in the world!”

          4. “I’m so grouchy, I can’t even smile.”

          5. “I’m just a trash can-dwelling Grouch who loves to be grumpy!”

          6. “Some people are born grumpy. I was born grouchy.”

          7. “Grumpiness is my natural state.”

          8. “I’m not happy unless I’m complaining about something.”

          9. “I’m the king of grouchy!”

          10. “I’m Oscar the Grouch, and I’m perfect just the way I am!”

          2. Goldenrod*

            ha ha, this is so cute. Oscar the Grouch is a great role model.

            We can also borrow wisdom from Lou Grant: “You have spunk. I hate spunk!”

          3. Dark Macadamia*

            I got to #3 imagining someone saying this in a workplace and burst out laughing in public. #5 too. Amazing list.

        2. Miette*

          Sneaky Squirrel didn’t say it had to be factual. I would start by using some of the plot points from, say, David Copperfield or Anna Karenina, and see what happens.

    3. Not on board*

      Yes, to both Sneaky Squirrel and Ghostess, whichever route is more comfortable. The idea is to make Lenora regret saying/asking these things passive aggressively.

    4. br_612*

      November 2016 to December 2017 was the absolute WORST year of my life. We’re talking multiple deaths (including my dad, which was rough for multiple reasons), multiple cancer diagnoses, multiple phone calls about my BFF almost dying while I was out of town at a wedding/conference (she’s fine! Just wanted to terrify me I guess). And that’s not counting my absolutely INSANE coworker (she DUG THROUGH THE BROKEN GLASS CONTAINER and pulled out something I had put in there, put it back on my bench, and left a note telling me to get my own broken glass container. Who does that?).

      If I had a Lenora in my life at the time I don’t think I could’ve helped a trauma dump. I was barely holding on.

      Of course the thing is, Lenora would probably be offended or even cry in response and then suddenly it’s on the person with real stuff going on to comfort her.

      1. AngryOctopus*

        I know this isn’t the point but I’d just keep putting the broken glass back in that container. She’s the one that’s going to snap and make an unreasonable complaint.

        1. I'm just here for the cats!!*

          yeah especially if it was something work related. Like You don’t own the glass container. There is broken glass, at work, therefore it goes into the broken glass container! Its not like br_612 was bringing garbage from home and throwing it away at work.

        2. JustaTech*

          I’m just baffled that someone would be mad about that. Like, every lab I’ve worked in has had one or maybe two broken glass bins that are shared.
          At least it’s not digging through the sharps?
          Good gravy people are weird.

          1. Hlao-roo*

            Do you remember the “I’m in trouble for re-sorting a coworker’s trash — and I’m enraged” letter from 2019? Also baffling, but apparently there are multiple people in the world with very strong feelings about trash/compost/broken glass bins.

            1. JustaTech*

              Right, but that was someone who was upset people were putting the *wrong* material in the bins. It’s more unusual for someone to be upset that someone is putting the correct material (that doesn’t smell) in the bin.

              Also, digging through the sharps bin is a huge safety risk and will (generally) get you in very earned trouble at work because it’s stupid dangerous depending on what you work with.

          2. Selina Luna*

            I work in a school, so the “broken glass container” and the “sharps container” are the same container. Insulin syringes, glass shards, and pointy wood splinters all go into the container collectively called “sharps.” Also, we have one. For the whole school. It usually lives in the nurse’s office because she uses it the most.

          3. br_612*

            She was putting her used pipets, like the 5 mL+ ones that are made of freaking plastic, in it. I broke an acrylamide gel plate, that’s what she dug out.

            She also threw a tantrum when my cell incubator broke and I asked if I could put my cells in hers, which she wasn’t using (to the point she never filled the water pan and broke the damn thing. Guess who set up her new one? Including the interminable filling of the water jacket). I had to use another lab’s and all I had to say was her name and they just nodded in understanding. She also hid the bigger BioRad blot system (criterion? I’ve been out of the lab for 6 years lol) from me. We worked in a government lab and she was hiding government property even when I said I’d only use it on weekends when she was never there (I was a post-doc, she wasn’t).

            I told our PI, I told the branch manager, I told everyone. No one did anything. The branch manager was close to retirement, the PI was just . . . Unwilling to do anything.

            1. JustaTech*

              OMG. I am so sorry you had to deal with such a jerk!

              For years my lab had documentation that said we would put our seropipettes (basically very fancy plastic straws) in the sharps, but no one did because they’re not sharp, so I finally got us to order the carboard boxes that keep them from poking through the plastic biohazard bags and lo! all was solved.

              It sounds like you got the worst possible combination of government slowness and academic “don’t know how to manage” ness.

        1. Princess Sparklepony*

          I just like that reference coming up. I’m so afraid some of the things we grew up on (in reruns) will fade away. Nice to see they still hold a spot in the collective consciousness.

          Billy Mumy for the win! (Dang, I just looked him up, he’s 70s… time marches on.)

    8. Homer Jay Simpson*

      Another option: Say “Oh, didn’t you hear the bad news?” And then walk away.
      Given the state of the world right now, it could be *literally* any headline, and it would be very funny to watch the fallout. This is why I don’t have an advice column of my own.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        I like this one :)
        Innocuously evil (try to smile through those headlines Lenora) and hopefully effective

    9. The Kulprit*

      I very much would at some point (an against my better judgment) tell her *exactly* why I’m not smiling. Or why I’m doing just fine. And promptly regret it, as she starts downplaying the whys or following up on them or both.

    10. Aggretsuko*

      Reminds me of the one time a guy told me to smile and I said, “There’s a dead squirrel over there.” He ignored me and kept on rambling.

    11. ReallyBadPerson*

      I like your thinking. I might be tempted to just shout: “F*cking Botox overdose! I hate them!” then walk around with a rigid facial expression all day.

      1. Pterodactyls are under-cited in the psychological literature*

        Ok you and Aggretsuko just made me snort, well done.

        Also thinking everyone can paste pictures of the Jokes with huge rictus grin on paper plates with a popsicle stick handle glued to it and just start holding those up in front of their faces pre-emptively whenever Lenora gets near.

    12. Rainy*

      I’ve done that and it’s actually kind of fabulous? I mean, you don’t feel fabulous at the time, you feel like someone just stepped on your heart, but later.

      A few weeks after my first husband died, I had dragged myself out to the grocery store and some random stranger told me to smile, it couldn’t be that bad. Like, don’t say that to someone whose spouse just died. I opened my mouth and just…everything came out. By the end I was crying, the guy who’d told me to smile was trying to melt through the floor, and everyone within earshot was glaring at him.

      1. Le Sigh*

        I’m sorry someone put you through that, but I hope he learned a lesson.

        Someone did something similar to me in a hospital cafeteria. I was on my fifth week at the ICU, I had no idea still if my loved one would be okay, and I was the point person for a lot of things. I went there to just decompress for a few minutes. And that’s when a dude just came up to me and told me I had to stay positive, etc., etc. I appreciate that he meant well enough, but ALL I had been doing for weeks was keep it together for other people. And it’s not like I was openly sobbing in the cafeteria, I was just trying to be some friggin coffee and get a little downtime to be sad! I don’t even remember how I responded, but it pisses me off to this day.

          1. Hobbit*

            Right? If there is any place where you have a high chance of seeing someone on the worst day of their life it’s a hospital.

        3. M*

          T.W: miscarriage, child loss.

          The Uber driver driving me to the hospital where my wife was hospitalized told me something like “everything will be ok”. I was coming from a different hospital, were the doctors had told me our first child, who had a very premature birth (which is why my wife was hospitalized), was not gonna make it, because he had a heart defect and he was too small to operate (as in, they don’t manufacture small enough instrument to perform the surgery for that defect for very early premature babies).
          And I was going to tell her that.

          While my wife was physically ok, and we had a second child, and yes, life does go on, it’s never going to be ok.

          1. sometimes the entire week is a monday*

            I’m so sorry. That’s enormously awful. And, no it’s never going to be ok.

    13. Susannah*

      Once, decades ago, I was walking down the street, looking I guess pretty sad. I was having a bad run at work, some troubling (but ultimately OK) health situation. I was in a nice sundress, because I had gone to see my then-boyfriend, who broke up with me.
      So there I was, looking not so happy, I imagine. And a man walked by and said to me, “don’t you know pretty girls are supposed to smile?” I looked straight at him and said “f— off.”
      It was rude; I know. But you should have seen his face!

      4. allathian*

        Ha! Serves him right. Unfortunately that isn’t an appropriate response to Leonora, although in the LW’s shoes I’d no doubt feel a lot like saying that in response.

        But yeah, sometimes the only appropriate reply to a rude statement is an equally rude comeback.

        Reminds me of when I and a friend of mine were walking down the street one summer. I was in a long summer dress, she wore a miniskirt to the park. We’re in Finland, and Swedish is the second official language here, something which visiting Swedish tourists tend to forget. Anyway, as we were walking, a guy behind her said in Swedish something like “That girl has such fat legs, she really shouldn’t wear a miniskirt.” She turned around, looked directly at him and replied in Swedish something like “And that guy with the big beer belly really should have more sense than to walk downtown without a shirt on.” I was just quick enough turning around to see the look on his face.

        Although I as a fat, middle aged woman prefer to dress fairly modestly, I firmly believe that people should be allowed to dress the way they please and that dress codes, if there are any, should be the same for everyone regardless of body shape, that guy really deserved the snappy comeback.

    14. aqua*

      I was once at a cafe at a train station, getting the train to my mum’s house to help look after my dying grandad. I had a big suitcase because I didn’t know how long I would be there. I was just about managing not to start sobbing and I definitely looked very upset. The person who took my order asked me cheerfully if I was going anywhere nice and my face completely crumpled and I wailed “MY GRANDAD IS DYING”.

      Not really her fault but maybe she was more cautious in future.

    15. AlsoADHD*

      “Well, I wasn’t annoyed until you asked that, but I don’t generally sit around smiling. Please don’t comment on my face—it’s not here for your amusement, and I’m not interested in smiling more.” (I’m autistic + ADHD so if she kept commenting on my face, I’d feel I had some decent discrimination grounds, frankly, but yes, you do have to tell her it is incorrect and uncomfortable first.)

      I think Alison is right about the push back, but I think it could easily rise to director level discussion if: 1) Lenora does it predominantly to female staff, 2) Any one she does this to feels culturally discriminated or is neurodivergent or suffers depression (Alison said the last one, but lots of other areas and surely someone fits into one in most offices), 3) the toxic positivity is draining energy from the team and creating a culture where people fear to bring problems.

    16. I&I*

      This could also be a time for strategic stupidity:

      Leonora: How are you today?

      Normal: I’m fine, thanks.

      Leonora: Just fine? You should be WONDERFUL!

      Normal, in a told of mild agreement: Yeah, I’m fine.

      Leonora: What is there to mope about? We should all be feeling great!

      Normal, blandly pleasant: Yep, I feel just fine.

      Doggedly refuse to understand any meaningful difference between saying ‘I’m fine’ and ‘I’m wonderful’, and act as if Leonora’s argumentative responses are actually agreeing with you. Decline to see that there’s anything to discuss here: she’s just agreeing with you, right? It’s the ‘answer the question you wanted, not the question you got’ strategy. None of this nonsense should be happening, so as far as you’re prepared to admit, it isn’t.

      1. The Leanansidhe*

        This seems like it would be supremely satisfying. I’ll give it a shot next time someone tries this with me.

  2. Seashell*

    I’d be tempted to ask her if she remembers the episode of the Mary Tyler Moore show when Lou Grant says he hates spunk.

      1. Linda Lou*

        I had a coworker once who told a client that he needed to smile and then said “You know what happens when you don’t smile? You get taken out back to the Tickle Room!” She got reprimanded by management for that one.

        2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

          My jaw is on the floor. That would be weird and/or inappropriate in almost any context but is especially mind-blowing in a workplace…with a client.

  3. I'm just here for the cats!!*

    I wonder what Lenora would do if someone responded to her that they are not healthy and then breaks down??? Until she’s confronted she wont stop

    1. pally*

      Really.

      I’d be so tempted to tell her that, the doc says I only have months to live. Weeks, if folks don’t get off my nerves asking me how I am.

      1. Ineffable Bastard*

        she likely thinks that “cancer happens to people who can’t let go of rancour” or other pseudoscientifical toxic positivity bs and would probably harass you :(

    2. n.m.*

      I can think of several periods in my life when comments like Lenora’s would have made me break down sobbing. Luckily never happened at my office.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Me too. She should NOT have tried that on me a couple years ago unless she wanted a real earful/crying fit on her hands.

    3. KP*

      I imagine she won’t say or do anything helpful. It’s just toxic positivity with no compassion behind it. Like many people who do this, she is probably not interested in anyone’s actual problems.

    4. XF1013*

      I wonder what Lenora would do if someone responded to her that they are not healthy and then breaks down???

      Lenora would latch onto the “sick” person and decide that it’s her personal mission on Earth to make that person feel better at all costs. She would demand answers to invasive medical questions, give dubious and pushy medical advice, try to drive them to appointments, bring them baked goods and cards every day, tell everyone around the office how sick they are, demand that all co-workers drop everything to support them in various ways, et cetera. No amount of telling her that she’s not helping will convince her.

      I know a few Lenoras. If she’s this bad about someone merely frowning in the office, wait until she has someone who she believes REALLY needs her kind of “help.”

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        She sounds like some of the worst examples cited in Barbara Ehrenrich’s Bright Sided, who seem convinced that the only reason women get breast cancer is not being cheerful enough.

        3. Timothy (TRiG)*

          That is a really good book. On this side of the Atlantic, it has a different title: Smile or Die.

      2. Six for the truth over solace in lies*

        Yes. This (and other answers like “my dog just died” or “I’m deeply distressed by the situation in Sudan” or anything else intended to shock the person out of the behavior) will backfire. So will witty comebacks or attempted gotchas or serious conversation. She *wants* to engage and engagement will feed her.

        The only thing I’ve found to work is to bore her to death with neutral responses.

    5. Random Bystander*

      Yeah, it can be rather … unpleasant. And completely unnecessary unpleasantness.

      I remember one instance in which I had to work with someone who was from another department but there was some overlap in our jobs that we were trying to resolve a persistent problem. This was after we’d all started WFH, and even if we were still in the office, she would have been in a different city than me so we’d still have had to communicate by some method other than in person face-to-face. We had been discussing the issue via the IM client that was in use, and things were going fairly well except that she *insisted* that we needed to go to a voice call. I tried to say at least three times that I would rather not and that I thought we were getting things resolved just fine with IM. Finally, I gave up and she called me. I thought I could handle it … the issue was almost solved anyway, and I could hold it together for the call.

      The reason she wanted the voice call? So that she could do the “Yay! It’s Friday!” thing. Except that on the Monday of that week, I’d just been diagnosed with cancer, and it fell really flat. She was very apologetic, but I still was a sobbing mess where I had been able to hold myself reasonably close to together (I probably could not have done so if we were still in the office, but while WFH my plan was to continue working up to the day before surgery and then go out on leave so that I wouldn’t be idly stuck with my thoughts about having cancer).

      I’m now 3 years and 3 months post cancer and doing well (just had another follow up recently). But on that Friday, forced cheer was enough to undo me.

      1. carrot cake*

        I’m so sorry you got that diagnosis and had to, on top of that, deal with someone else’s pure BS, but very happy to hear you’re doing well.

      2. allathian*

        I’m glad you’re doing well now, and I hope you don’t beat yourself up over your human reaction. Honestly, she deserved it, and I hope it helped give her a bit more empathy in her interactions with other people.

    6. Annony*

      Oof. This reminds me of when a coworker complimented my drastic weight loss and asked how I did it. I started crying and told them the doctors were still trying to figure it out.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        WHICH IS SO REAL. Lenora has no idea what people are dealing with! People commenting about bodies of others have no idea what people are dealing with! EVERYBODY JUST STFU
        I hope your medical team figured it all out and you’ve gotten your health back

        1. WillowSunstar*

          Agreed totally, people need to stop forcing toxic positivity onto others. Not everyone is good at pretending to be happy 100% of the time. Some may be because they’re in professions that expect it, but even they might not necessarily actually be happy.

      2. TeratomasAreWeird*

        Every time I’ve lost a significant amount of weight it was because someone close to me had died or a surgeon had removed a large abdominal tumor. Take your “compliment” and suggestion that I “keep it up” and shove them where the sun don’t shine.

      3. Starfox*

        oof yeah I was getting the “you look great, how’d you do it?” comments when we came back to work after lockdown right up until I looked a coworker dead in the eye & said “massive amounts of anxiety that make it impossible to eat for days at a time.”

      4. run mad; don't faint*

        Oof, yes. I hate when people ask about that. I’m generally honest and say that I was very ill and lost weight as a result. But I really dislike having to field these questions and compliments about something that caused me so much pain, literally.

        1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

          Ha, I told a chirpy coworker who congratulated me on my weight loss that I was on the stress diet — I’d gone from the “eat all the time” level of stress that had caused me to gain weight to the higher “don’t eat or you’ll hurl” stress level, so then I lost a bunch. Sadly she never stopped monitoring my weight and everyone else’s — and I’m a thin-ish person by most standards so I can’t imagine what she said to heavier people. UGH

    7. Boring AF*

      I’d lose it after the third day and start spewing fake awfulness. NO LEONORA! IT’S AN EFFING BAD DAY! My cats had projectile vomiting in my bed! A garbage truck spilled all over my car! Lightning exploded my entire house! I’ve been diagnosed with brain worm and cholera! And I have the world’s worst coworker who keeps assaulting me with “BE HAPPY” every day!
      I hate Leonora and her ilk.

    8. Aerin*

      Long covid is still wreaking havoc on my life and I have zero chill about it. I use a cane now for many reasons, but one of them is to make my invisible disability visible to ward off assumptions like that. It’s also very useful when someone pulls some ableist bullshit to plant the cane directly in front of me, lean on it pointedly, and say “Wanna try that one again?”

  4. Coffee and Plants*

    My husband’s response to things like this is a deadpan: “This is just how I look.” Works like a charm!

    2. lost academic*

      It probably works a lot better and easier because he’s a man. The pushy “smile!” attitude is predominately targeted by women, and not just by men.

    3. I'm just here for the cats!!*

      “this is just my face” is the best one i’ve yet to need to use. I have used “this is just my voice” to a customer who was complaining about my too high voice. Sorry. You can hang up and try and get someone else, but I’m not transferring you to my supervisor, or anyone, just because you don’t like the way I speak.

      1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

        For some reason I’m remembering an old story about a reporter asking Ringo Starr if he was said and he replied, “no, it’s just me face.” Love it!

    1. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

      As someone who once was written up for not smiling enough I wish I heard that back then.

        1. Overit*

          I had a boss complain about my lack of a smile when she saw me…in a mirror when I was walking ALONE down a hall.
          Will never forget that.

      2. Vanamonde von Mekkhan*

        Your boss should get together with a previous boss I had who complained we were too happy (though no official writeup). I guess he thought unhappy people work better or something.

      3. Hobbit*

        There’s a store I go to on a regular basis and as part of their rewards program I get surveys emailed to me quite often. There are 3 questions I routinely lie about: Did the employee smile? Did the employee make eye contact? Were you greeted when you arrived? I answer yes to those questions no matter what the real answer is. I don’t care about any of the but it’s clearly important to management and I think they are stupid things to penalize someone for.

    2. Aerin*

      I’m actually quite a cheery person normally, but someone like this would trigger my magical girl transformation into Daria.

      1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

        LOL! Daria is the only “famous” person I’ve ever been told I look like (well, ONE person once said Tina Fey, but that’s really just coloring and eyeglass choice) and I own it. Gen X for the win

  6. VP of Monitoring Employees' LinkedIn Profiles*

    Lenora: How are you today?

    You: I’m fine, thanks for asking.

    Lenora: Just fine?! Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right?

    You: I would be, but there’s this one coworker who keeps trying to enforce mandatory perkiness and govern everyone’s emotions. It’s very draining.

      1. Meri*

        Now I’m picturing the scene in Aladdin where Jafar says he’s “Ecstatic” in a completely dead voice.

  7. samwise*

    I remember this one from before and it makes me so g.d angry

    NO, LENORA, we are NOT all healthy and life is NOT all wonderful and this would be a better job if you weren’t so obnoxious, so maybe leave me alone and don’t ever tell me to be more f’n happy.

    1. ferrina*

      The juxtaposition between this letter and the previous post is poignant. Allison demonstrating exactly why you never tell someone to “smile and be more happy” at work.

    2. JustaTech*

      I really wonder how Lenora took the early COVID period. Like, did she turn the chipper up to 11 or did she completely melt down?

  8. Sheworkshardforthemoney*

    2019 vs 2024 I really wonder how Lenora is doing these past few years. I’m pretty sure that not many peope at the height of the pandemic with a world wide shutdown/massive job losses/deaths and hospitalizations wanted to be told to smile and that it’s a beautiful day. Hopefully she learned to read the room.

    1. GERDQueen*

      Yeah, I’m not big on “silver linings,” but the upheaval got a lot of folks thinking and talking about what social scripts aren’t as neutral as they seem. “Get well soon!” is a lovely sentiment, but doesn’t land for people who have Long COVID. There are similar cheery stock phrases that can cut, even when they are meant to spread goodwill.

      1. carrot cake*

        An unfortunate caveat in situations like that, though, is if people don’t say anything out of concern of offending as you describe, they get called out for that, too.

        It’s important to take things in stride; no one is going to nail it perfectly.

        1. Allonge*

          Yes – don’t overthink common social scripts.

          Get well soon is a wish (I hope you will get well soon), not an order or expectation. It’s ok to tell people close to you to cut saying it, but the world will not know how you feel about long Covid or the many other chronic / long term illnesses that existed before that.

    2. H.Regalis*

      I’m curious about that myself. Maybe she adjusted, maybe she didn’t, maybe she went along as she’d always been until somebody tore her a new one. I hope she at least stopped driving OP up a wall though.

    3. MigraineMonth*

      Or maybe she moved to leadership at the company which called on people in Zoom meetings
      to name something positive about Covid in 2021!

      Search AAM for: “how do I get out of my office’s toxic positivity meetings?”

    4. Irish Teacher.*

      I honestly suspect she may have escalated. I think there were a reasonable number of people talking during the lockdown about how we should “count our blessings” and how we should “reframe it” as “we are lucky to be able to isolate at home” rather than “we are stuck at home.” These people seemed blissfully unaware of the fact that people were actually dying and seemed to think it was just “a chance to step away from the rat-race.”

      I teach in a school that has a lot of students from very deprived backgrounds and not only saw posts in general, but even had one colleague posting them about how “our children won’t be ‘behind’ because of the lockdown; they’ll actually be ahead because they’ll have had time to play and spend time with mum and dad instead of being rushed from school to afterschool activity and sure, they can always catch up academically when the schools go back.”

      Given that we had students attending zoom classes with preschool aged siblings on their laps because their parents were essential workers and no childcare was available and kids living on halting sites that were experiencing outbreaks of covid and you know…not all kids experience “time with mum and dad” as a good thing, it was…pretty tone-deaf.

      But I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Lenora was one of those people. (Unless, of course, she or somebody she loved was at high-risk. Then it would likely be a different tune.)

      1. Timothy (TRiG)*

        We may need to explain “halting sites” to the non-Irish here.

        The Wikipedia page is fairly good.

      2. WS*

        Someone tried that on me while I was full-time in-person in healthcare and a client had just deliberately coughed on my pregnant co-worker.

      3. H.Regalis*

        I take my hat off to your students who were babysitting their younger siblings while doing school. That’s really amazing of them to have done that.

      4. Tea Monk*

        She was probably the type who complained that we weren’t being brave enough because we wore masks or didn’t go in restaurants and that we should show those germs we aren’t scared of them

  9. Grumpy old lady who is WONDERFUL!*

    You should all “fight” fire with fire. When she asks “how are you doing?” everyone reply something along the lines of “I AM FABULOUS! LIFE IS SO AWESOME! THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!”
    Maybe if everyone does that she will get the hint or at least lose the opportunity to be the bearing of sunshine and flowers.

    1. Ashley*

      Start singing the song from the Lego Movie “Everything is Awesome”, bonus points for playing it on a loop on your desk speakers so she can hear it all day every day.

      2. KaciHall*

        it doesn’t need to play on loop, but a button that plays the entire song when pressed would be (literally) awesome. especially if it was loud enough that she couldn’t talk OVER it for any follow up questions.

  10. Sara*

    I had a boss like this once. I eventually had to be super, super direct with him about it and tell him that I felt like I had to put on a show for him, and that was itself making me unhappy. That may be a step to take if the responses in the moment don’t help, trying to get serious with the person and seeing if she’ll at all reflect on what she’s doing.

    1. NonprofitNerd*

      Same! I had a boss that would always ask me what was wrong when I just had a neutral expression or was focusing on something. Nevermind that she was one of the most toxic people I’d ever encountered, but she would always say that she hired me because I’m young and have lots of energy – I would always replace “energy” with “enthusiasm” (because I did have enthusiasm for the work and the org) because I have a chronic illness with a #1 symptom of fatigue!!! (and I had told her this, multiple times)

      1. Dancing Otter*

        So she was openly admitting to both age and disability discrimination? She wouldn’t have hired you if you hadn’t been young, or if she had known about the chronic illness?

        Glad you got away from her.

    1. Not on board*

      OMG. I can just picture it….. make yourself seem like a serial killer smiling and she’ll definitely go away. I wish there was an update on this one.

    2. Juicebox Hero*

      I’ve done that to a person who liked to annoy me by telling me to smile, so I’d give him the slowest, creepiest, most psycho smile I could manage.

      1. JustaTech*

        I have a friend (woman in engineering) who perfected the “I will rip out your liver with my bare hands” smile all the way back in college as a way to deal with sexist peers.

        It is completely terrifying.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’m thinking of an episode in an early Stargate where Teal’c tries to smile and scares the local worse.

    3. MigraineMonth*

      If you feel like creepy serial-killer isn’t the right message for work, you can always go for chimpanzee smile: just peel back your lips to show all your front teeth. It probably meets the definition of a smile while being nothing like one.

      1. Overthinking it*

        Yep, that one works, and it’s less hostile. You want to put a stop to this infuriating behavior, but you want to do it in a medium-kind, least hurtful way – because she isn’t nasty, just annoying.

  12. Disco Janet*

    As someone with resting B**** face, I would lose it on Lenora. I just don’t have a naturally smiley face and I would get really tired really fast of having to be reminded to fake it. You don’t like that I’m not smiling? Don’t look at my face.

  13. GenX, PhD, Enters the Chat*

    This is where it’s helpful to have grown up with the deadpan Darias and Lydias and Heathers (shout out to Winona Ryder’s superb RBF). “This is just my face. Do you have a problem with my face?” I do appreciate the crazy-eyes maniacal grin approach though.

    1. Paint N Drip*

      Daria taught me everything I could hope to know about cultivating ‘leave me alone’ energy, thank god – I have the face that says ‘hey stranger, come talk to me!’ but I do not want to talk to anyone at all

  14. Strive to Excel*

    The really petty part of me would be tempted to wallpaper her cubicle with printouts of that trial that upheld a guy’s right to not have fun at work. I don’t think that’s good advice. But I’d be tempted.

  15. Fiachra*

    This is not someone who wants you to be happy all the time, she wants you to ACT happy all the time.

    Anyway, remember the letter about the coworker who responds to all problems with “at least you don’t have cancer or an eating disorder”? I think we should stick these two in a closed office together and watch the fireworks.

  16. SD95*

    This is toxic positivity. I would ask if she’s seen the movie Inside Out. It can’t be joy all the time. Each emotion is necessary.

    1. juliebulie*

      I remember this letter and I’m pretty sure someone recommended Inside Out. That’s where I found out about the movie, and I absolutely loved it. Joy was quite overbearing!

  17. Lemon Bars*

    “Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right?!?!”

    “You know what! I AM!” stands up and starts to cheer, complete with arm letters:

    “T! O! X! I! C! Toxic Positivity! T! O! X! I! C! Toxic Positivity!”

    End with a high kick and a shake of your pompoms.

  18. DramaQ*

    Is Lenora related to my manager?

    At least Lenora cannot write in your review that you are “too negative” because she does not see you smiling every day and that it “makes people uncomfortable”.

    She can’t drag you into a 20 minute meeting where she grills you about “why are you so unhappy, we need you to smile more” like she did one of my coworkers.

    I loathe the toxic positivity but when it’s your manager it’s a lot harder to combat especially since any response other than smiling is more evidence you are a “negative” person and she needs to try harder.

    I should be able to have a normal face. I should be able to have a serious/I’m concentrating face. The idea that I constantly have to smile to me is creepy. Even when I did customer service I wasn’t reprimanded for not having a literal smile on my face at all times as long as I was professional, polite and reasonably friendly. To be expected to have a 24/7 smile in a lab environment is just bizarre to me.

    I’ve joked I am going to get myself injected with so much Botox I look like Joan Rivers and act surprised when people comment “What? You said I needed to smile more!”

    1. MigraineMonth*

      UGH. Can you go over your manager’s head? This is a serious mismanagement issue, and it could easily create liability for the company if she’s targeting someone with depression or anxiety, or if she targets women more than men (quite common), of if she targets black employees more than white employees (also common).

      I’m so sorry you have to deal with this!

  19. pally*

    Let me preface this by saying: don’t do this to a co-worker.

    Back when we were teenagers, I would ask my sister how her day went. Apparently, she didn’t like this. But didn’t tell me this directly.

    One day, she got right up in my face, almost nose to nose, and screamed, “FINE!”.

    I never again inquired how her day went or anything else along those lines.

    I’d like to try this on the Lenora types in my life. But I won’t. Way too mean.

  20. Miss Muffet*

    I think I’d be using Alison’s scripts with a face that looked a bit confused, as if to say, it is so weird that you’re asking this.

    2. Irish Teacher.*

      I wouldn’t actually do it because I’d probably be too irritated to pull it off, but I’d love to do, “I’m…not moping/” “I’m…not frowning” in this confused, “what on earth are you talking about?” tone. A tone that implies “why are you telling me to cheer up when I’ve already made it clear I am cheerful. Very odd.”

  21. TW*

    All these screaming revenge fantasies about how to respond instead of just simply stating your needs and asking her to stop….another great answer from Alison.

    1. Observer*

      You are right. But I really understand people.

      It should not be necessary to tell a functional adult past the 20 or so that this kind of behavior is out of line. I mean, even someone younger should have more sense, but some people can’t grasp anything that no one has told them *explicitly* and they have not experienced themself. But how many people have reached the mid- 20’s without having been exposed to ANYTHING that could make someone feel really bad even though they *look* healthy and have a pretty good job. And by that point they should also be aware that sometime you actually need to concentrate which is not a smiley activity at all.

      So, in a way it feels like a lost cause. Of course, that *still* what you should try. But the fantasies make a LOT of sense, as long as they stay in the realm of fantasy.

  22. Lola*

    I had a boss like this – it was exhausting. I am not an outwardly expressive person in general. I *feel* things just as deeply as anyone else but by nature keep a pretty even-keeled demeanor on the outside. My boss was constantly scanning my face looking for a more outwardly positive reaction or even a hint of a negative reaction. It’s work – to be honest, most of my reactions are neutral. I learned to fake it to avoid her interrogation.

    During the height of COVID lockdown, we’d get on our Monday mornning zoom calls and she’d yell “Goooood morning!!! What did you do for fun this weeend?!?” Um, sat in my apartment because everyone is isolating and businesses are closed? It was so tone deaf to what people were going through at that time.

    1. Georgia Carolyn Mason*

      Ha, our toxic boss used to ask for cutesy stuff on our (daily!) check-in calls like “it’s raining, everyone tell a rain story!” I actually had a rain story (hard rain in summer camp, everyone put on swimsuits to wash their hair outside and lathered up with shampoo, rain stopped) but this was so irritating I pled a deadline and jumped off.

  23. H.Regalis*

    Lenora: How are you today?
    Me: Oh I’m just fine, thanks for asking.
    Lenora: Just fine?! Surely you’re WONDERFUL, right? After all, we’re here and healthy and we have good jobs, so what is there to mope about?

    It would take a lot of restraint for me not to hiss like a cat back at her. Good god, that is obnoxious.

  24. Overthinking it*

    When she asks you to smile: “Hey, Sweet Lenora! (cheerfully) I like to think we are a cheerful, easy-going bunch here – pretty positive. And I think we all know that, even if we are not actively smiling. It gets TIRING to smile all the time! And it gets TIRESOME to continually be being told to smile. . . (sheepishly or wryly) Just saying!

    If that starts a discussion, go with it! If it doesn’t, you’ve put her on notice how you feel. And if she starts to sulk (or cry) say: “Don’t get hurt, let’s talk about this.” (In the discussion, you can mention that you’ve let this go a long time, and that she says this a lot, and that it’s just not a positive way to relate to people that you need to be able to trust to be sincere. And can she just trust that, things are OK, even if you aren’t being ruthlessly cheerful. And can she just trust that even if things are occasionally not OK. . .that’s a normal thing too.)

  25. Overthinking it*

    Or, you could grimace back at her – obviously fake smile with gritted teeth and bugged eyes – and say “Like this?” Do that every time and I guarantee she will eventually quite asking.

  26. seraphina*

    I wonder if Lenora is related to this person I work with who has in huge letters in her back window “2 BLESSED 2B STRESSED”

  27. Tau*

    However, there’s a part of this that could fall outside of “interpersonal quirk for you to deal with on your own” — the part about how she tells everyone they did great on projects that your clients want redone. Depending on exactly how that plays out, it’s possible she’s actually undermining your office’s work and the likelihood of people improving.

    Just wanted to highlight this bit to point it out. I come from a very different cultural context from most commenters, one where a coworker behaving like Lenora would go over like a lead weight, but I’ve still seen major problems caused by higher-ups wanting to look on the bright side! and frame things positively!

    In my case, my company faced some major difficulties, and when communicating about these C-Level had a tendency to spin them in the most positive possible way. Think answering a question about “so what happens if we don’t win X contract?” with “I am super confident we’ll win X contract! Here are all the reasons why the client would be stupid not to go with us!” I managed to read between the lines and translate this into “if we do not win X contract, it is very bad news for us”, but not everyone did; some people were *genuinely surprised* when layoffs happened. It was absurd, because we’d been having regular management updates aimed at being transparent about what was happening with the company for nine months which to my mind had been pretty clearly spelling out that layoffs were likely to be unavoidable for six and exactly who was going to be affected for three. But the spelling out had always been done with this positive twist, the missing consequences coupled with the “but we’re SURE we’re going to turn this boat around this time!” forced positivity, and as a result some people were blindsided. This failure of communication should never, ever have happened, and I think a lot less of my C-Level for it.

    A lot of people are talking about how frustrating this would be to deal with day-to-day, and yeah, I can’t imagine. But I did want to highlight the fact that casting things in a positive light all the time can cause real and *very damaging* work problems as very important messages get lost in all the softening and viewing things from the most positive angle possible. Sometimes you really genuinely need someone to just say straight out “this is a problem, and if we don’t fix it the consequences are going to be bad”. It’s absolutely worth a look to see if Lenore’s inability to do that is causing issues.

    2. Silver Robin*

      that sounds not at all transparent…that sounds like ignoring the question and only doing the reassurance/downplay. Reading between the lines means there is a lack of transparency; some folks can do it and others cannot, but listening to what is *not* said is a high level communication skill that not everyone has or not everyone uses all the time.

      1. Coverage Associate*

        I think it can depend on the culture, and different cultures will be easier or harder for people who have trouble reading between the lines to work in. I know that I have read what was presented as perfectly normal office language from Britain that I as an American understood to have the opposite meaning as the British, like, “the presentation was good, but next time include more examples” really meaning to the Brits that the presentation was very lacking.

        And I just read about a family who left the United States because their elementary school age children were becoming too polite. Apparently, there’s at least one culture even more direct than us Americans.

      2. Tau*

        Yeah, I did say *aimed* at transparency. It was clear that transparency was the intention because, well, they were holding those all-hands updates to keep us abreast of what was going on when they really didn’t have to, and because the message wasn’t very obscured if you managed to read between the lines (which became easier because this went on over months and the pattern jumped out more and more as the omitted negative consequences kept appearing when things didn’t turn out as positively as C-Level was hoping, and they often gave us individual pieces like “we have a hole in the budget that contract X would cover” and “the other contract we were going for has fallen through” so you could logic your way to “if we don’t get contract X it’s bad news” as well).

        But overall I’m with you, and it’s why I found this so frustrating – the downright pathological inability to just spell out the negative outcome directly and insistence on meant that for a chunk of their audience they totally fumbled the “transparent” thing in a way that led to a lot more stress and confusion on *all* parts than would have been necessary. We ended up with a new member of C-Level after all this and when he started a management update a la “I’m not going to lie, we’re in a pretty bad situation, and although I obviously hope we can turn it around as a company and am going to do everything I can do to that effect there are no guarantees” I wanted to goddamn hug the guy.

  28. PintO'Luna*

    When I’m told to smile or that I look sad I like “That’s just what my face looks like, but thanks that’s super flattering” or “I was feeling just fine, but now I’m self-conscious”. At least that’s what I like to say when I replay these scenarios in my head while I’m in the shower.

  29. Jessica*

    This coworker would make me want to scream, and I enjoyed many of the fantasy responses, but I think the most effective thing to actually do would be SOLIDARITY. Get the rest of the office (or at least as many as you suspect are annoyed) together, agree on a set of scripts and techniques, and put them into practice. Then when Leonora bounces into a meeting and carols, “Why isn’t everyone SMILING?!?” eleven grey rocks will say, “Please stop policing my emotions.”

    1. I Have RBF*

      Seriously.

      I would have to walk away before I said something career limiting and mean.

      The kindest response I would have is “You can be replace with a button marked ‘Out of order’.”

  32. Cardboard Marmalade*

    What makes the situation worse to me is that I’m sure Lenora thinks of herself as the office’s only source of joy and motivation and I suspect nothing will convince her that anyone who thinks differently isn’t just a big ole grump. If it were me, I would do my best not to engage with her weird behavior at all, but just let a beat of silence fall and then say, “Anyway, I’m gonna go get some more coffee/check on a print job/talk to John about something,” and slip away from her. She may not consciously be picking a fight, but her behavior is aggressive and I feel like really the only way to de-escalate the situation is to just grey rock the heck out of it.

  33. sometimeswhy*

    We didn’t have a Lenora. We had a Leonard. And all the gender-based implications of Creepmeister L telling the handful of women he worked with that we should smile and it was a beautiful day and all the nonsense Lenora spouts here. Every single time, i deadpanned, “It’s not my job to look pretty for you.” He eventually stopped after I invited him to discuss it with HR.

  34. Clearance Issues*

    “If every day is wonderful and fabulous, you don’t get to appreciate the truly fantastic ones that come along. ‘Fine’ or ‘Good’ are acceptable answers for average days.”

  36. Plain Jane*

    I have some nerve damage to my face and at various times it is nearly impossible for me to “smile” correctly. It can also be really painful. Even now when someone tells me to smile, I like to respond with “oh, I have nerve damage, this is how my face looks.”

  37. I Have RBF*

    I have to admit, if I had to deal with Lenore I would get waaaay past BEC with her really, really quickly.

    Why? Let me count the ways:
    * I have RBF. If I’m concentrating, people think I’m mad. I’m not, I’m just concentrating, FFS
    * I absolutely loathe people who tell me (command me) to “smile”. I’m not their trick pony, FFS. Get out of my face.
    * I get pretty angry when other people try to command or force my emotions. It’s not their business, and it’s a hell of an overreach. It’s nasty, controlling and emotionally abusive.
    * My wife is in hospice for cancer. We don’t know how long she has. I’m reserving my smiles and happiness for her, not work.
    * I hate toxic positivity, because it’s used to paper over real issues. Do. Not. Want.

    I am the type of person to, when she pulls her shit, to specifically call her out on her abuse, because that’s what it is – emotional abuse.

    Since that is probably a career limiting move, I’d start circulating my resume.

    I: “Why are you looking to leave your job?”
    A: “A coworker constantly goes around commanding people to ‘smile’ and ‘be happy’. Management will do nothing about the overreach. It makes me very uncomfortable.”

  38. Jenni*

    I had a student who would hiss at people and make sort of a snake motion to them. It was very odd and scared some adults. She was just weird, not dangerous. Anyway, that’s what Lenora deserves. I hope she is hissed at by random goth teens whenever she goes out in public.

    1. allathian*

      Now I have this fantasy playing in my head where Leonora walks in to an office full of people focusing on their work, starts her smile spiel, and half the office pulls out their best chimpanzee grins and the rest start hissing like cats or snakes.

  39. restingbutchface*

    If it hadn’t gone on for so long, I’d have used my old faithful response – bursting out laughing and saying “oh my god, imagine if you actually said that to someone at work! Oh my gosh, that’s hilarious, you’re just too much”.

    If they repeat it, beg them to stop. “I get it, I get it, it’s funny because it’s so inappropriate but please, I can’t stop laughing!”.

    Treating nasty jokes as if they are serious and treating serious statements as jokes had got me far in life.

  40. Aphrodite*

    Oh yeah, another Pollyanna on Steroids. God, I loathe them. They are among the most unfeeling, uncaring, nastiest people in the workplace, having no room for anyone else to be themselves. We’ve got one, a really rotten person to some of us who is beloved by her manager.

    2. It’s A Butternut Squash*

      It is seriously so narcissistic to demand that your coworkers manage not just their emotions but also their expressions to ensure your own personal comfort. I have people like this. It slightly irks me that these letters always start by saying how nice this person is. No. She’s not. She’s rude and obnoxious and selfish and self absorbed.

  41. RedinSC*

    So, Lenora asks, “why aren’t you smiling?”

    Me: I have a medical condition, RBF, it is physically impossible for me to smile, I have a medical accommodation.

  42. Spacedog*

    I had a manager who would always, always tell me to smile (I am female, he was male). He would say that while I was quietly focusing on my work at my desk with my headphones, or when I was in the middle of a presentation to stakeholders. I grew to despise this man and his constant commentary on the expression on my face vs the quality and caliber of my work.

    I think that I would feel very much the same with this woman. I am OVER toxic positivity, and I’m resistant to being viewed as an open object for ongoing commentary vs a competent human being. By anyone.

  43. Lauren*

    I don’t remember when I started doing this, but when someone (who is not an actual friend and/or not actually inquiring about my wellbeing) does not find my response to “How are you?” to be positive enough I just say, “It’s my default setting.” Either they don’t know how to react an more on or when questioned I start asking what their rating system is like if every day is “Wonderful”

  44. Aaaagony Aunt*

    As someone who is known as the go-to among my friends for offering re-framing (usually appreciated), it is not lost on me that sometimes I am doing it to protect myself from too much negativity from them. I’d almost want to go a little dark and respond to her in a super-concerned voice, “Are you ok? I’m really concerned about you.”

  46. Sugarholic Teacher*

    This lady has the same energy as creepy men who tell random women on the street to smile, it’s just in a different package. It’s been five years, so I hope she’s stopped.

  47. 1-800-BrownCow*

    Would it be inappropriate to tell Lenora to take her happy positivity and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine???

  48. Emily of New Moon*

    I wonder if Leonora was struggling with depression or other issues, and that was her way of coping. If so, it’s a very unhealthy way to cope.

  49. Emily of New Moon*

    After I read this letter, I clicked on one of the other suggestions at the bottom of it. It was “our disruptively cheerful coworker treats us like toddlers,” because I can never read that one too many times. In the comments to it, I found this:

    As I was reading an old short-answer post thanks to clicking through the updates page, I found the old letter about the boss who had a dream that his employee would die on Sept 26, 2024. Just commenting for a reminder / hope that we get an update this time next year: https://www.askamanager.org/2018/08/boss-invited-our-whole-office-on-a-10-day-cruise-i-had-a-disturbing-dream-about-an-employee-and-more.html

    Then Alison and a few others said that they couldn’t wait until September 27, 2024, to find out if this person really died. Then I looked at the bottom right corner of my computer screen and saw that IT”S TODAY!

    I wonder if we’ll get an update.

  50. Janeway, Her Coffee In Hand*

    This is definitely going to be an unpopular thing to say, and I understand why, but I think that expecting your chosen, not medically necessary food preferences to dictate where everyone eats during a business meal is selfish. If you have a genuine allergy and cannot eat gluten/shellfish/beef/llama, that’s fine, but if you choose to forgo a type of food because of religious or moral preferences, you need to suck it up.

    I’m pescatarian, which means I don’t eat non-seafood meat. I have had my fair share of dinners eating french fries and grilled cheese because my friends or family chose a restaurant that I don’t have any other options at. Sure, it’s not great, but I don’t place my choice of diet above an entire group and dictate where they’re allowed to eat.

    LW1’s coworker made a choice to follow his dietary restrictions. That doesn’t mean he gets to dictate where everyone else eats. He can do like so many vegetarians and vegans have before and order a plain salad and fries.

    1. Sugarholic Teacher*

      I get you completely. Religious restrictions are a choice, allergies are not. Surely this is not the only time in this guy’s life he’s had to figure this out. Nothing bad will happen to him if he eats somewhere else every now and then. My in-laws keep kosher (which means no meat at restaurants) so they just order salad whenever they have to eat out.

  51. Sweet 'N Low*

    I remember reading this when it was first posted, but I have an even greater sympathy for OP reading it again now a few years later. I’m normally someone who’s full of energy! enthusiasm! life is great! let’s do all! the! things! Bubbly and enthusiastic are probably two of the top words people would usually use to describe me….

    Except now I’m suffering from a so far undiagnosed chronic illness. Not only am I intensely, painfully exhausted all of the time; I’m constantly frustrated by the fact that who I am and who I want to be was taken away from me. Having someone constantly tell me I needed to look happy would be… upsetting, to say the least.

  53. What in the non-profit*

    My current supervisor is kind of like this only more of a “lite” version. She wrote on my end of year review last year that she noticed I sometimes let out a big sigh when getting off a frustrating phone call and that I should try something different because “big sighs bring down the office vibe”. Also I should “find joy in mundane tasks”. I’m sorry but I don’t know too many people that have a big ol’ smile on their face taking out the trash and compost.

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