weekend open thread – September 21-22, 2024

by Alison Green on September 20, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Somewhere Beyond the Sea, by TJ Klune. The long-awaited sequel to the House in the Cerulean Sea, in which the two men running an orphanage for magical children must fight against danger from the outside world. Nothing will match the magic of the first book for me, but I was very happy to visit this world and these characters again.

* I make a commission if you use those Amazon links.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’re reading and give or request recs.

    I read a YA thriller last week (not usually my style but I read it for a reading challenge) called Ace of Spades by Faridah Abike-Iyimide. It’s a story of 2 Black high school seniors who are just starting their final year of high school when someone starts targeting them, spreading partially true information about them around school and gradually becoming more and more threatening. The story ends up becoming chilling and a disturbing example of some truly nasty racism. (Not that there’s racism that isn’t nasty, but this is particularly awful in the way that it’s targeted.)

    1. HS science teacher*

      I read 48 books over the past 16 weeks! (I didn’t finish five of them.) Some of my favorites:
      – God of the Woods (literary mystery)
      – Sandwich (contemporary novel)
      – A Walk in the Park (nonfiction, ecology and indigenous history and adventure in the Grand Canyon)
      – Birnam Wood
      – The Hunter
      – All Fours

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        What did you think of All Fours? I’m partway through it and don’t know how to feel about the protagonist, but really love the writing.

        2. word nerd*

          I didn’t like the protagonist much either but I found it worth reading anyway because it’s such a vibrant, different style.

      2. Jill Swinburne*

        I just finished Birnam Wood! I almost DNF’d it but was told to push through to the halfway point, after which point it would ramp up and you’d see why the slow start was necessary. This was correct.

        I recommend it.

        1. RC*

          I wanted to like that one, but in the end I really didn’t. Without giving spoilers, I guess my tolerance for that kind of story is just completely tapped out these days.

          1. Jill Swinburne*

            I get that. I don’t generally read a lot of this kind of story myself, but a friend recommended it to me and all but insisted I borrow it. I do live in New Zealand (obviously there’s a non-zero chance that you do too, of course!) so it landed in a certain way with me.

    2. Atheist Nun*

      I read and liked There Is No Ethan by Anna Akbari, who recounts how she and other women were scammed by an online dater and then banded discover to uncover the person’s real identity. Akbari reminds readers that she is a sociologist, and her field focuses on the “how” of human behavior. I would have liked to know the “why” (which she frames as the domain of psychologists), but because the scammer who perpetuated this fraud refused to be honest and provide their motivations, we will likely never learn this information.

      Akbari spends most of the book on the “how” and captures the sheer volume, details, and tedium of online chat/email communications that can be part of modern dating. How the women who were duped exposed and confronted their scammer was fascinating. What is most disturbing is that the person who abused their vulnerability and yearning for love is now employed in a profession that entails a huge amount of trust and intimacy with women. You can easily find the person’s name online if you do not read the book.

      1. Jackalope*

        I really wanted to consider it “close enough to reality to be chilling but slightly over the top like many thrillers”. And there’s something to the level of organization that I think is indeed over the top. But I couldn’t consider it unrealistic, what with what’s happening in Springfield OH the past couple of weeks. Nope, it’s plenty realistic.

    4. chocolate muffins*

      I read A Family Daughter after having read Liars and Saints a few months ago. They tell different versions of the same story and I was trying to read them close enough in time so that I’d remember at least some of the first book I read while reading the second one, and I mostly succeeded with that, though I’m sure I missed some connections as well.

      The combination of these two books is fascinating to me and I’m curious to hear what others think about them. I read a discussion guide that asked whether one book seemed more like “the true story” than the other, and that seemed like a reasonable question until I got to the part in A Family Daughter where it is revealed that Liars and Saints is a novel that one of the characters wrote. So, the answer to the discussion question seems pretty clear to me, though maybe others have a different perspective? It also seemed a little odd to me that A Family Daughter says the novel changed people’s names, but the actual names are the same for characters across both novels as far as I can tell (except maybe for someone like Gail/Saffron — I couldn’t tell if they were meant to be a version of each other or if Saffron just didn’t make it into the novel). I understand having the same name from a practical standpoint – it definitely made it easier for me to follow both stories! – it just seemed like an odd point of disconnect when A Family Daughter explicitly noted that the names in the novel were different. That is a small point, though, and overall I was a big fan of both of the books, especially in combination – A Family Daughter even more so than Liars and Saints, I think.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Read and loved: The Cautious Traveller’s Guide to the Wastelands by Brooks. In the mid 1800s Siberia abruptly transforms into a strange, magical landscape that is dangerous to human minds (though this seems to be innate rather than targeted). So of course humanity builds tall walls in Russia and China, and then runs a luxury rail line right through the middle of the Wastelands. The book follows a voyage in 1899, with a train full of people with secret agendas. A book where I didn’t know where it was going, and then it nailed the ending.

      Gave a shot to Tress of the Emerald Sea by Sanderson, because it was on a book display next to several books I’d read and loved. Tress lives on island in the emerald sea, but the sea is made of spores on another planet. This one didn’t do it for me–the characters were too firmly fairy tale tropes and the sci fi world not developed–but I mention it in case someone is into modern spins on the fairy tale.

      Returned to The Ministry of Time by Bradley, about the person assigned to work with an Arctic explorer brought forward in time as part of a government time travel program. Slow start; more interesting as more layers became apparent; took a turn into foci that bore me; pulled together interesting layers at the end.

      1. Brontosaurus*

        I was so disappointed in Ministry of Time! I LOVED the first half–such an excellent voice, original concept, sense of the importance of the moment despite impending doom–but it really let me down in the second half. Then the author’s note left me feeling like this was actually a weird, erotic fanfiction.

        1. Fellow Traveller*

          Your last sentence made me laugh because Incan totally see that.
          I actually greatly enjoyed Ministry of Time. I didn’t care much for the political thriller plot line, but I liked the characters and the writing and thought the last few pages were stunning.

    6. Bike Walk Barb*

      I bop around between books depending on time of day, day of week, and mood.

      Fiction: Continuing through the Veronica Speedwell books by Deanna Raybourn, currently on Book 9, A Grave Robbery. I read her Killers of a Certain Age, which started me on her series, both this one and the Lady Julia Gray series (which does a lot of romanticizing about the Roma people while the main character is supposedly very broadminded; I haven’t asked my family member’s Roma fiance how he’d feel about the portrayal).

      Nonfiction: Wabi Sabi: Japanese Wisdom for a Perfectly Imperfect Life by Beth Kempton. I read an article on the concept and wanted to learn more about it.

      Nonfiction: A Wave in the Mind, a series of essays by Ursula K. LeGuin that I’m loving, both memoir and pieces about writing. Reinforces her position as my favorite author since childhood.

      Poetry: You Are Here: Poetry in the Natural World, edited by Ada Limón.

      2. word nerd*

        Related to wabi sabi, I *loved* the book Kintsugi: The Poetic Mend by Bonnie Kemske even though it’s not my usual sort of book. It’s an art book with gorgeous illustrations and well-written descriptions that don’t get too trite/sentimental. My husband loved it too.

        I have A Wave in the Mind on hold at the library and I’m looking forward to reading it! I love LeGuin too. I was blown away by the Dispossessed last year.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Just starting off my Halloween readathon with Dracula! I’ve probably read it forty times or more over the years and keep finding new little bits to appreciate.

      Also just starting Thieves Like Us in my noir collection, and plowing through Cunning Folk, about the practical use of magic/spells in medieval Europe. It’s fascinating!

    8. HannahS*

      I read Siblings Without Rivalry. I’m not expecting another child yet, but I put it on hold at the library a few months ago; it’s also related to my work so I thought I might as well read it. It’s a parenting classic for a reason! Dated in some places, but short, readable, touching, and deeply kind to both parents and children.

    9. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I DNF’d three books in a row (very unusual for me) and wanted to fall back on a safe bet. I’ve enjoyed Amanda Montell’s Cultish, and her latest book The Age of Magical Overthinking was waiting on my shelf.

      My level of interest in each chapter varies. I found the ones about manifestation and zero-sum thinking particularly interesting and relatable. There are some observations about the author’s looking up to her mother that hit close to home and will stay with me a long time The latest chapter I’ve read, about recency bias, is a bit convoluted and could have made its point more quickly. Overall, I’m enjoying this!

      1. A Tired Queer*

        Ooh, I also have Magical Overthinking out from the library! I loved Cultish and I’m overall finding this one very enjoyable too.

        One thing I wished for in Cultish that is still true here: I wish she would use more citations in the text. She lists all her sources at the end of the book, but the academic in me is itching to see those citations in the moment.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Could that be an editing decision? I know some people see footnotes as “interruptions.” But I agree with you–unless it’s some really long citation or aside I hate having to flip back and forth from the chapter to the notes.

    10. Teapot Translator*

      I read A Red Death by Walter Mosley. The author has an interesting style, but as with the first one in the series, I was annoyed by the role of women in the story.
      I’m reading The Familiar by Leigh Bardugo. I’m ambivalent.

    11. A Tired Queer*

      I’m working my way through The Obelisk Gate — the second book in NK Jemisin’s Broken Earth trilogy. It’s a rough read with all sorts of content warnings (fantasy racism, violence against children, hella manipulation by so many characters) but she’s such a great writer and she’s built such a fascinating world that I keep coming back to it even if I have to take breaks now and then!

      1. No name yet*

        It is SUCH a good series! Heavy enough read that I don’t think I’ll ever re-read them (which is fairly unusual for me), but definitely glad I read them. 100% understand taking breaks!

    12. Clisby*

      I’m rereading Agatha Christie’s Halloween Party. It was prompted by my husband and I finally getting around to watching A Haunting in Venice, which is supposed to be based on the book. The only thing that seemed remotely familiar was there was a Halloween Party and there was bobbing for apples. It turns out that (at least according to Wikipedia) Haunting is “loosely based” on Halloween Party. “Loosely” does not cover it. Anyway, I was not impressed by the movie, but am enjoying the reread.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I bought the film tie-in book (it was cheaper and I was being a skinflint) and the scriptwriter has a several page introduction explaining how he came up with A Haunting in Venice (which I haven’t seen) from the original Christie story.

        To be fair to him, he does realise that a lot of Christie fans will be unimpressed with what he has done.

        1. allathian*

          I liked A Haunting in Venice, even if the relationship is loose at best and the only thing the two stories really have in common is that Poirot solved the case in both. The book was published in 1969 and it shows that Agatha Christie’s past her prime as an author and plotter. I particularly found the storyline of the party where the kids were anything from 10 to 17 to be profoundly unrealistic. Why would a 17 year old want to attend a party for a much younger child?

          To be fair, as much as I love Christie at her best, Hallowe’en Party is far from her best work, and for me at least, the movie worked much better as a story.

    13. germank106*

      The Boys in the Boat went on my DNF list. It just wasn’t interesting enough to keep my attention. I did finish The Atomic Girls by Janet Beard. It was another piece of American History I knew nothing about. I’m currently on Book 5 of Brian Haig’s Sean Drummond series (The President’s Assassin) and the entire series is getting a bit stale. I need to give this a very long break before I tackle the last two.

    14. Seashell*

      I started Table for Two by Amor Towles. I really liked A Gentleman in Moscow, although I thought it could have used some editing, so I thought short stories by the same author might be even better.

      I haven’t made it through the first story, so I think it’s going to have to go back to the library before I finish it.

      1. word nerd*

        My husband liked A Gentleman in Moscow and told me that he did liked the novella at the end of Table for Two–otherwise he thought the collection wasn’t great. Maybe check out the last story?

    15. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      Read *A Book of Common Prayer* by Joan Didion.

      *A Book of Common Prayer* is about a woman who has been utterly failed by all of the people in her life (a common theme for Didion in what I’ve read so far) and how she deals with that–resolute denial, mostly. It’s also about revolutionary politics in a fictional Latin-American country and how the narrator, a woman of science who is the widow of one of the members of the ruling family, comes to doubt her own perspective on things. As with all of Didion’s books so far, I’ve felt the impulse to go back and re-read earlier chapters, as she brings up a lot of things again later.

      I’m halfway through Rebecca Makkai’s *The Great Believers*, which is a novel about the AIDS epidemic and its reverberations on the people who survived it at the time and in the present. It’s keeping my interest well.

      Also just started Ann Patchett’s *Bel Canto*, about a group of privileged people taken hostage at a dinner party, also in a fictional Latin American country, but it’s too soon for me to tell what I think about it.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Didion is such a trip! I love her early nonfiction writing on the history of California and water rights (she grew up on a ranch in the state so it was something of paramount importance in her family); also her writing on Hawaii and Cuban history as seen by refugees in Florida. She was doing that type of writing way before it was considered important or relevant.

      2. SSC*

        I just finished the Great Believers this morning. I’ve worked in HIV care for 14 years, so not during the early days described in the early era of the book. But the characters and her descriptions of the impact of the epidemic in their community are intense and accurate with stories that some of my patents who are long-term survivors have shared. The last parts of the book made my chest literally ache, and I can’t remember that ever happening before with a book.

        1. Fellow Traveller*

          The Great Believers is one of my favorite books ever. I read it maybe five years ago and I still think about it a lot, especially the line about life being too short and also too long to be angry at someone.

          1. Firefighter (Metaphorical)*

            I loved The Great Believers. Also her first book which I always think is called The Borrowers but of course isn’t… ::googles::… oh, it IS called The Borrower (singular).

      3. Ali + Nino*

        Bel Canto is one of my favorite books – I read it on Alison’s recommendation here! hope you enjoy it too.

    16. Bluebell Brenham*

      Just finished It’s All on Her Head by Elizabeth Comen- fascinating NF book about early medicine and how it used to look at women. Each chapter is on a particular system of the body: bones, muscles, blood, etc. Lots of infuriating stories and some amusing things- when bicycling was first a craze, women were warned about getting “bicycle face.” Also zipped through Harlan Cohen’s Think Twice, the latest in the Myron Bolitar series.

    17. PhyllisB*

      I have read three books this week: Stiff Penalty by Annalise Ryan, The Murder Plot by Alice Castle and Summers at the Saint by Mary Kay Andrew’s.
      All enjoyable in different ways.
      Stiff Penalty is a series about an assistant coroner, Mattie Winston. I had requested this one some time ago at the library and it came in this week. I hesitated to read it because of what we just went through with our son, but fortunately this one dealt more with Mattie’s personal life and less with her work and no graphic autopsy scenes.
      The Murder Plot is part of a cozy mystery series that is a bit different in the fact that she tackles some rather serious topics (don’t want to say much in case in one here wants to read them because it would be a spoiler if I mentioned them.) The other unusual thing about the last two is the murder wasn’t included until the book was about three fourths in. Usually in cozies the main character stumbles over the body in the first two chapters.
      The last one, Summers at the Saint is chick lit at its best. I gave it five stars on Goodreads. I read the large print version which was nearly 700 pages and I finished it in a day and a half because I couldn’t put it down.

    18. Paris Geller*

      I read mostly thrillers, and I’ve had a good run lately with two huge hits: What Happened to Nina by Dervla McTiernan and They Never Learn by Layne Fargo. Now I’m halfway through The Kind Worth Killing by Peter Swanson. I’m not sure how I feel about that one so far, but it is compulsively readable and I’ve liked other Peter Swanson books in the past, so I do think I’ll finish it soon. I’ve heard it has a lot of good twists, which is why I love thrillers, so hopefully there will be one that surprises me.

    19. Long Distance*

      I’m going to be driving from TX to CA next weekend and I need audiobook recommendations! Books that likely will be available from the library, so nothing new/crazy popular right now. I’ve recently read and enjoyed: The Bright Sword, A Walk in the Park, James, Boymom, Very Bad Company, Funny Story, Stay True, There There, The Wife App, The Future, The Power, and The Rent Collectors.

      Thanks for any recommendation!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I find Hiaasen reliably good for car trips. And don’t neglect his YA books, which have the same humor but no sex–I particularly liked Hoot, about adorable ground nesting owls.

        The Phantom Tollbooth is great for all ages.

        Based on the excellent sequel, I’ll recommend the audiobook for Micaiah Johnson’s The Space Between Worlds.

      2. Bluebell Brenham*

        I always recommend Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime, which he narrates. It’s so good. I’m not usually a fan of audiobooks, so I don’t have recs in that category.

      3. word nerd*

        Try searching for “Julia Whelan” since she’s a great audiobook narrator and see if anything available catches your eye!

      5. Fellow Traveller*

        If you liked Funny Story, I would recommend Julia Whelan’s own book Thank you for Listening.
        Also in a similar vein, I loved 10 Things That Never Happened by Alexis Hall read by Will Watt- it is like an audiobook version of your favorite British rom com.
        On of my favorite memoirs on audio is Kal Penn’s memoir- You Can’t Be Serious, about navigating Hollywood as an Indian American actor and then pivoting to working in Washington DC for the Obama administration. Funny and inspiring.

      6. karstmama*

        these are older because i’m into comfort right about now. so ignore if you’ve already read them!

        project hail mary – realistic feeling sci fi, which really translates well into audiobook.
        all the murderbot diaries – a construct of human and bot made for security has hacked its governor module and doesn’t go on a rampage because it’s way too anxious.
        kaiju preservation society – set at the start of covid, a junior exec at an app like uber eats gets canned and ends up going down a rabbit hole to another earth.

        all have cussing, none have descriptive sex, all are great audiobooks.

      7. rita*

        The Thursday Murder Club audiobooks are *great*, particularly the first two. (They switch to Fiona Shaw for the second two, and Fiona Shaw is obviously no slouch, but Lesley Manville is SO GOOD.)

    20. GoryDetails*

      Currently reading:

      Red Kayak by Priscilla Cummings, a YA book in which a young teen faces a really horrifying choice when a prank goes terribly wrong.

      Scourge of the Seas of Time (and Space), a speculative-fiction anthology themed on pirates – some interesting tales in a variety of settings, including a re-imagining of the fate of Andromache (widow of Hector at the end of the Trojan War).

      And for Banned Books Week I’ve picked up several books that made the frequently-banned-or-challenged lists, including Alex Gino’s Melissa about a transgender kid.

      While researching banned-book lists, I found that the school board in the town just north of mine apparently challenged Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night in 1996 – because of all that pesky cross-dressing…

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I’m sure Shakespeare is thrilled that his comedy from 300+ years ago is suddenly such a transgressive threat!

    21. MissGirl*

      Very mild spoiler below.

      I listened to Margo’s Got Money Troubles and while the voice was strong, I did not like the plot. I know a lot of people here loved it. I read some reviews from OF and OF related workers who identified what bothered me about it. The work was made to look far easier and more lucrative than reality and she made some decisions with clients that would’ve put her in danger. I get she was only nineteen and very immature but best case scenario she would’ve had a stalker. Also some bad characters were treated as if what they did wasn’t that big of deal. I’m looking at the dad and the professor.

    22. Mobie's Mom Now*

      I read a YA fantasy book this week, not usually my thing at all. The Naming, by Alison Croggon. It’s 1st in a quartet, and I’m interested enough that I’ll probably follow up with the second book, at least. I got this one at a local used bookstore, so I’ll need to check if I can get the rest at/ through my library.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        I LOVE this quartet so much I own it. I’ve read it probably about 3 times since buying it – they get better and better!

    23. Catherine*

      I am still making my way through non-fiction The Hundred Years’ War on Palestine. Oooof it’s mind-opening.

      Fiction-wise I just finished Homegoings, by Yaa Gasai, it’s a multigenerational book around slavery, it was difficult but a good read.

      1. Pippa K*

        I just started The Hundred Years’ War on Palestine too, and as a non-historian I’m finding it interesting. I think it’ll be a book where I dip in and out over some time rather than reading it all in one go, though.

    24. dapfloodle*

      Reading Ackerman’s Halcyon, which was a book club pick a couple of months back when I had to miss the meeting. Weird book, I don’t really recommend it but I’m going to finish it. The author definitely seems to think the reader agrees with him about things that the reader may not agree with at all.

    25. dontbeadork*

      Read Somewhere Beyond the Sea, which I did like as much as the first. It looks like Klune left the ability to add another book if this one goes well. Sadly, it gave me an earworm that nothing can shift.

    26. TravellingCari*

      Finished – Claire Douglas, The Wrong Sister. English mystery thriller started slowly but then I couldn’t put it down
      In progress – Lovely One, Ketanji Brown Jackson. Was at the launch and wow. Was so eager to know more. She reads it herself, which is great.
      Should quit but I’m stubborn – Bruce Feiler Looking for Class. I LOVE his books on the middle east, but this is one of his early ones and it’s not as good. I’ve been reading it for 3 weeks but can’t give up.

    1. Birdy*

      We’ve been having some deliciously cool weather in my area, and I’m loving it! Fall is my favorite (and not just because I have a fall birthday ;) one week away!)

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My weaving workshop got canceled, but instead of canceling my PTO, I kept it, so today was day two of a four day weekend and I still have the whole weekend to go! And I got a lot of progress made on unpacking boxes and totes in my craft room to get stuff put away. I found four works in progress – two are getting frogged, because I don’t know what patterns they are and one of them didn’t even have knitting needles in with it, but the other two are ready to pick back up again. (Though they’re two projects of the same pattern. Which is a little weird. But hey. Presumably I was doing it twice because I liked it.)

      1. Weavinglibrarian*

        Sorry about your weaving workshop. Would you be willing to say what you were going to learn? Hope it gets rescheduled.

        I also spent time cleaning up my crafts. I may actually have too much yarn!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It was to be a three day workshop on beginner multishaft weaving – I got a great deal on a 1940s Newcomb four-harness floor loom in excellent shape earlier this year and have been looking forward to learning how to use it :) the class will be rescheduled, it’s just a question of when.

    3. Bike Walk Barb*

      The perfection of being out in my garden picking a big crop of beautiful tomatoes of all sizes and colors in mild summerish/fallish air while insects sing a shrill song.

      1. allathian*

        Harvested the last of our potatoes today! Filled a 5-liter/~gallon kettle to the brim. Now we’re good for home-grown potatoes for at least two weeks.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Aren’t home grown potatoes the best? My hubby planted some about three years ago and I couldn’t get over how much better they taste!! Even better they produced another (smaller) crop the next year. After that he retilled the soil so no more potatoes. He says there probably wouldn’t have been but a few anyway.

            1. PhyllisB*

              Yeah, I know if you want them each year that’s the best thing (I have farming relatives.) He just planted a few as a let’s see what happens kind of thing. The bumper crop was a bit of a surprise.
              He doesn’t seriously garden, just a few tomatoes, peppers and a few herbs.

              1. allathian*

                The potatoes are our only crop currently. We started with carrots and peas when our son was 4 and loved planting the peas, and switched to potatoes in 2022 when both my husband and I became allergic to uncooked carrots. But I must admit that I miss eating baby carrots pretty much straight out of the ground.

                It’s a good way to show kids that someone has to grow all the vegetables and fruit that we buy and eat, and by extension, process all other foods.

        2. Bike Walk Barb*

          I’ve harvested some of the two kinds I planted, Raspberry (a red potato that’s red all the way through the flesh–gorgeous!) and Austrian Crescent, a white potato with a curve to its shape. They’re wonderful.

          I’ve left others in the ground a while longer because I’ll be out of town for a week and they may as well put on a bit more size. Looking forward ot harvesting more next weekend!

          My favorite treatment for potatoes these days: https://hostthetoast.com/syracuse-salt-potatoes/. Once I have some of these in the fridge I can heat and eat with any kind of topping or added foods, slice and pan-fry, eat cold if I feel like it. So tender.

    4. chocolate muffins*

      I got to spend time with a friend I hadn’t seen all summer and it was lovely to catch up. Also had some delicious lunches with some other folks I hadn’t seen in a while and both the company and the food were small joys.

    5. Kiki Is The Most*

      I recently moved from Europe to SE Asia, and this was the first time I actually shipped items through a professional mover. I half expected everything to end up at the bottom of the ocean, so I was incredibly happy to have my small assortment of boxes delivered to my flat on Monday. Opening everything carefully and remembering the memory behind it all has transformed my new space into my “home”.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Finally had our friend S over for dinner to thank him for all his help with our move! Ate lots of yummy food and watched one of my favorite Venture Brothers episodes, “Everybody Goes to Hank’s.”

    8. Writerling*

      Being offered a chair position to a volunteer committee I was on last time (4 years ago), very seemingly out of the blue but yes please! (No I don’t know what that exactly entails but celebrating anyway). Oh and two writer friends reading a new short story and telling me it’s good (even with the obvious edits needed).

    9. Past Lurker*

      2 friends and I got a pretty close look at a red-tailed hawk. We were only a few feet away before it took off. It fanned out its tail as it flew away!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Wonderful! I had a comparable close view of a red-tailed hawk today. It was on a fence post along an empty road in the national park I was in today. I stopped, rolled down the window, and we stared at each other for a bit before it flew away. I’m psyched that we both got to have that experience!

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        We heard a loud squawk in the yard the other morning. A great blue heron had been swooping into the pond and an opportunistic (and very optimistic) red tail had tried to have a go at it. They both landed in a big dead tree and stared at each other for a bit before going about their business!

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      It’s my birthday today. Every year, I go north into the redwoods for a solo camping trip. But this year, the weather went haywire with cold temperatures and thunderstorms. I enjoyed quiet time at home and now I’m splurging on a historic rural hotel that’s not as far away.

      I took advantage of having a weekday to hike at Point Reyes National Seashore and checked out the Tule elk during the mating season. It was magical in the fog hearing the bulls’ invisible bugling. A group of females was right beside the trail. I stood still for a long time and they didn’t mind me. So cool!

    11. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I had a crap week (rejections from writing opportunities I thought I had a shot at + recovering from a tiny hospital procedure that’s limiting my energy and my diet) and thought I’d have nothing. But no!

      A writer friend read a scene from my novel-I-am-forever-figuring-out, and said very nice things about my writing. And knowing I’d crave treats for the weekend but need to stick to soft foods a few days longer, I made three days’ worth of chocolate mousse – it’s delicious.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        Aw, that’s great that you got some affirmation right when you needed it! And making chocolate mousse for your soft-food diet is brilliant. Enjoy it, and I hope you feel better.

    12. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I ordered a perfume oil that was ridiculously cheap, thinking I’d like it based on reviews. Although it doesn’t smell like I hoped, I realized after it was on for a short time that it’s the mysterious part of a scent I loved years ago, that barely made itself known between a too-sweet opening and a too-raspy base note. Now I have a whole bottle of that elusive middle aroma (actually two bottles because it was on sale) and I can wallow in it to my heart’s content!

    13. English Rose*

      A creative workshop learning gel plate printing. A lovely day with a sympatico group of people and such interesting results from our work.

    14. Might Be Spam*

      I have a bunch of green peppers growing on my balcony pepper plant. I’m really surprised because there’s a lot of shade and it looked like it was only going to get one pepper this season. I can move the pot inside to let them finish growing if it gets too cold.

    15. BellaStella*

      Cutting off my sunflowers’ heads to dry and remove seeds (balcony garden but still fun), getting a hair cut, getting some banking stuff partly resolved, and watching butterflies and birds and foxes and chamois on a few long walks. Plus it is nice weather too!

    16. Irish Teacher.*

      A friend of mine from England is visiting Ireland just before Halloween. I think it was 2016 we last met in person between covid travel restrictions and just busy lives, so this is pretty cool.

    17. Voluptuousfire*

      I’ll be moving into my new apartment in the next few weeks, so I made a few pitstop to IKEA to pick up random stuff and I was just absolutely delighted to be able to do that.

      I also ordered the kitchen chairs I wanted for my table, which is awesome because they’re super comfortable and look fantastic.

    20. tangerine dreams*

      I have achieved every Jewish mother’s dream: my adult kid is coming for the weekend, and she wants chicken soup as her feel-good-after-a-bad-week meal.

    21. Elle Woods*

      Our new mattress was delivered this week. We didn’t realize how worn out the old one was until this one arrived. No more sore hips & backs!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Seconding mattress info request! That’s going to be our big Christmas gift to ourselves this year.

        2. Rain, Disappointing Australian (formerly Lucien Nova)*

          Not OP, but I have nothing but good things to say about my Helix mattress. I was nervous about just ordering one online but my word, it’s so comfortable. Not cheap but worth it.

        3. Elle Woods*

          We got a Beautyrest Pressure Smart 2.0 Hybrid Medium mattress. It’s got a cooling surface and also reduces motion transfer so one of us won’t feel it quite so much when the other shifts in their sleep. It’s a nice step up from our old pillowtop mattress.

    22. WorkNowPaintLater*

      The pink dianthus that I’ve had all through a too hot and dry summer has finally decided to bloom in all its pink glory. Also have one surviving gerbera daisy that has decided that now is the time to bloom (it is a lovely magenta color). I’m hoping that between today’s badly needed rain and the cooler weather I may get some late snapdragon blooms.

    24. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Received a $50 gift card from my health insurance for getting checkups and tests and other healthy stuff. It came with restrictions on where it could be used and for what. They were both vague and restrictive. One option was to use it at a drugstore. I spent some time carefully making a list of what I thought they covered. So last night I went and stocked up on tylenol, vitamins, etc… because I thought it could only be used for ‘medical stuff’ I added a couple of bags of Halloween chocolates I expected to pay cash for. Turns out it covered the candy too! The vitamins ended up BOGO free so I was under the limit when I went to check out.
      If I get another gift card next year, it’s going to be really hard for me to not spend it on $50 worth of chocolates!

    25. Reluctant Mezzo*

      Most of the local forest fires are under control and the air is clear. The days are warm, the nights are chill–best season of the year where I live.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Our division head, who is based in another country came to visit our team this week, so she brought us presents, paid for a nice lunch and joined us for a pottery painting party.

        I had never painted pottery before, but there is a little workshop offering drop-in sessions and you can also arrange for an evening with drinks and snacks. Everyone had a great time and we are looking forward to collecting our masterpieces when they have been glazed next week!

    26. Middle Name Jane*

      My 14 year old cat has played with her toy mousies this week for the first time in months. She seems to be feeling pretty good, and her vet checkup last month was great.

  4. iPhone games?*

    Searching for phone games
    I loosed playing Animal Crossing Pocket Camp, but the free version is shutting down soon. I’d like to find free games for iPhone that don’t require in-app purchases to still be fun. I had downloaded Royal Match, but it quickly got to a point where I couldn’t win without in-app purchases or waiting an increasing amount of time to “retry.” I liked a mindless bubble pop game but it drained my battery & made my phone hot. I like mindless cute games that aren’t dark or overly complicated.

    Do you all have suggestions?

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Watermelon game! There are tons of versions available but the one I use (Android) is called QS Monkeyland King of Fruits. Kind of a Tetris/2048 combo, you drop fruits and combine them to make bigger fruits. There’s strategy to it but you can play pretty mindlessly.

      I also love the puzzle game Two Dots. There are a variety of game modes and while it does get more challenging as you progress, I’ve been able to keep enjoying it for a long time without ever buying anything. Minimal ads, super cute and satisfying graphics.

      1. Alex*

        Seconding the watermelon game! I think the version I have is like…watermelon merge? Something like that? Love it. Although I’m not very good, I haven’t been able to merge two watermelons yet.

    2. Annie Edison*

      I got really into Neko Atsume for a while- you put out food, and then various cute cats visit and leave you gifts, which you can then trade in for furniture and fancier food to attract other cats. Some cats are more rare than others and will only come visit occasionally, or if you have their favorite toys and treats out.

      It’s not exactly a game in that there’s not too much to do in any given moment, but I really enjoyed being able to pop in throughout the day, see which cats were visiting, take screenshots if they were in a particularly cute pose, and work towards “collecting” a visit from all the cats in the game.

      I don’t remember needing any in-app purchases to enjoy, but it’s been years since I last played so that may have changed

    3. Middle Name Jane*

      I’ve been playing Splash: Fish Sanctuary for over a year. It’s free, and there are no ads. It’s relaxing, it has fun colors, and you can play casually. You hatch and release different species of fish into your ocean reef. It’s cool to collect different groups of fish. I love it.

    4. happy new year!*

      I have a few mobile games I like that I haven’t spent money on. Most of them will be battery drains on some level or another, though.

      -Luna Story Picross. This is a series of apps that tell a fantasy story that is badly translated into English but still understandable and very whimsical, which I enjoy. The color gradients can be very beautiful. Offers both huge murals and single image puzzles.

      -Cat Snack Bar. This is one of them upgrade restaurant games that you can keep your attention on for a while, but is best played in rotation with doing something else to let your money build up for a while. Some levels can really drag at the end.

      -Animal Restaurant. Similar conceit with upgrades and building up money, but you keep the one restaurant and decorations in opposition to Snack Bar taking you to new places.

      -Okay, listen, it is a few bucks upfront, but the Papa’s games by Flipline Studios are good-quality games with no ads or in app purchases and many hours of gameplay for like $2 USD. My favorite is the Donuteria.

      Maybe I just like restaurant management games. I used to play a lot of Diner Dash…

      1. Missa Brevis*

        Seconding the Papa’s _____ games. They don’t require wifi, they don’t eat battery too badly, the characters are cute, and the mechanics are just complicated enough to keep me engaged but not by any means difficult. Totally worth the $2. (Donuteria is great but my favorite is Wingeria. Love me some radial symmetry)

    6. Banana Pyjamas*

      Disney Emoji Blitz. I like unlocking emojis for my keyboard. I focus on leveling up rather than completing maps, so it’s not pay to win for me. For the maps, early on using certain Emojis gives you bonuses but is not required. Later levels in the maps require specific emojis that you can buy. There’s only ads when you spin the free prize wheel. The events do change every couple of weeks and require regular updates, which usually take multiple attempts to download.

    7. Catagorical*

      See if Toon Blast will work on your phone. I’ve been playing it a few years now on tablets. Highly recommended. I’m on team Dain Bramage if you get into it.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Do you already have a Netflix subscription? There are a bunch of mobile games included, some of them are really good – and all are ad-free.

    10. Janne*

      I like “I love Hue” as a mindless, cute, calming game. If you turn off your wifi and data, you don’t have ads. Otherwise the ads are not too outrageous. The game is swapping colored blocks until you have a nice spectrum. The pictures get bigger for harder levels and the colors are more similar. But sometimes I just redo levels because they are beautiful!

    11. Qwerty*

      I like Merge Dragons which is free and some parts can be played offline. In addition to having a map with levels, there’s also a “camp” where you can just do stuff with the dragons (where I spend most of my time in the game), side quests, weekend challenges, etc.

    12. Rage*

      I’m on iOS. Pocket Land is mindless and cute. You just run your character around and collect various items from the spawning bushes to make orders and earn coins. There are pets (to help you gather), mounts (to ride on and increase your speed), a dungeon (for fighting off baddies and collecting rewards), and a bunch of quick events. They have in-app purchases but you absolutely don’t ever need to pay anything – the only thing I did was get a super low-level pack for like 3 bucks and it turned off ads as well.

      Mini Mini Farm is also kind of mindless but very fun – run your character through various worlds to collect items for sale or upgrade. You can upgrade your gear, find teleporting locations, and even plant and farm crops.

      I also like Sticker Book and Royal Idle.

    13. ProfessionalMess*

      I like “Love and Pies” which is a merge game with a decorating/building aspect too. There’s a storyline that I enjoy but you can skip the majority those scenes if you just want to merge stuff. The only ads are if you opt to watch to get a reward, but you can definitely play without those. I spent money once because I thought the bonus featured decoration was cute but it doesn’t impact the game at all to spend nothing.

    14. bright as yellow*

      Window garden is really sweet. You buy plants and decorations for your living room window, and give the plants water and sun every day. Your plants dry up if you miss watering them for 2-3 days. If you leave them too long, the plants die (and you have the option to revive them by watching an ad).
      Ads are 100% optional though. You can get by without watching a single ad.

    15. Talyllyn*

      To avoid the in app purchases it might be worth subscribing to Apple Arcade. It’s like $7 a month and you then have unlimited use of any games and they add a few new ones each month. In app purchases are not allowed for arcade games. Two that I’ve played a long time thru arcade that the developers keep adding levels to are zookeepers story (match game and you earn point to build a cute zoo) and Simon’s cat (match game w a storyline line about restoring gardens w your cat). Lots of arcade games aren’t for me but they all come w the bundle price so I try them all at least once. There’s a lot of variety in what they put out.

    16. iPhone games?*

      Thank you all so much for your great suggestions. I’ve noted each & every one as there are too many for me to play all at once. I have a Netflix subscription included with my provider’s phone plan so I’ll look into their games as well. Again, thanks to the AAM community!

    18. Lurking Librarian*

      I’ve been enjoying Block Blast! It’s a tetris-y puzzle game where you fill the grid with the pieces you’re given. There’s Adventure mode where you get levels and each level reveals a pixel on an art piece with a new one each week. I’ve really enjoyed it, just enough brain power to be a challenge without too much frustration. I’m also satisfied to find if I open the game hours later it saves my place on the level I was on!
      There are ads offered if you fail a level to get another chance, and occasional ads between levels (I restart the app when an ad starts to clear it) but no microtransactions or other annoyances.

    19. MeepMeep123*

      My go-to is BlockuDoku. It’s basically a mixture of Tetris and Sudoku, and pretty mindless but still fun.

  5. Birdy*

    Anyone see any fun shows (e.g. concerts or theater) recently, or have one coming up? I saw a live jazz band with some friends last weekend and it was a ton of fun. It was music from Cowboy Bebop which I’ve never actually seen, but the soundtrack is fantastic.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I don’t really go to concerts but awhile back I went to a Daft Punk laser show and it was AMAZING. I kind of just went on a whim and it was so much more fun than I’d expected!

      My most recent theater show was Something’s Afoot, an older musical I’d never even heard of but it was staged in my area and seemed fun. Very silly murder mystery parody.

    3. Don’t make me come over there*

      I saw Haircut 100, ABC, and Howard Jones in concert at the beginning of the month, and all of them were great!

      1. LoveBeingHome*

        Thank you so much for chiming in! Love these acts but wasn’t sure if they still had “it”. On my list!

    4. Writerling*

      Back in July I went to a Joe Hisaishi concert (Ghiblie movie music) for the second time and frankly I should set google alerts or however people get notified of Things Happening nearby because I want to go as often as I can, if able. Chills and tears, every time.

      1. Birdy*

        If you’re wanting to go to the same show again maybe they have a newsletter you can sign up for? But I’m with you, I don’t really know how people know about these things! My partner got us the CB show tickets.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          Or can you sign up for the venue newsletter? My local venues, both pop and classical have monthly What’s on letters, plus head’s up emails when something major is coming and tickets are likely to sell out fast.

    5. happy new year!*

      I saw a show on Porter Robinson’s SMILE! tour and was reminded of how fun live music can be. I bought lawn tickets for my sibling and I and paid the rent for lawn chairs ahead of time, but when I got to the booth they handed me a couple of tickets in the sixth row and said Enjoy! So I did!

    8. CityMouse*

      It’s nit until next month but I’m super excited about the Kennedy Center’s upcoming 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.

    9. RagingADHD*

      I saw Cirque de Soleil’s “Songblazers” tour last week. Apparently it got mixed reviews from hardcore Cirque fans, but I thought it was absolutely delightful.

    10. fposte*

      I’m seeing a lot of comedy these days. Joe Pera is coming up soon, then in December I’m seeing Maria Bamford! Then in February it’s Taylor Tomlinson. Josh Johnson was sold out before I could get tickets, sadly.

        1. fposte*

          I saw a show on livestream last year where he was a little bit different but not that much, and it was still very sweet. Hoping for that but who knows?

    11. Cookie Monster*

      We recently saw Samara Joy live. If you don’t know her, she’s a 24-year-old jazz singer and she’s amazing. Truly a once-in-a-lifetime talent. Look up her video for “Tight” to get an idea of what she can do. I’m not a huge jazz fan in general but I would listen to her sing the phone book (not quite how that expression goes but you get the idea, haha).

    12. Zephy*

      There’s a theater near where my SIL lives that puts on these shows where an orchestra/choir plays the soundtrack to a movie or game live in front of a screening of whatever media. I don’t know if there’s a term for this kind of show and I feel like I’m explaining it badly. Whatever.

      They did LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring back in January and my husband and I went with his sister and her husband, it was extremely cool. SIL is a classically-trained singer, literally has a degree in opera and sang in international productions in college. So she auditioned to be in the choir for when they did The Two Towers, and she got in, so we all went to see that last month. I don’t know when they’re doing Return of the King, I assume they must be, hopefully we’ll be able to go to that one as well.

      1. Birdy*

        Oh yeah that’s similar to the Cowboy Bebop show! The show wasn’t long enough for the whole series of course, but they had a screen up with key scenes while they played the music.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          They are called Cine-Concerts where I am. Ratatouille is scheduled for mid-December and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark in mid-March.

      2. allathian*

        That would be amazing! So was the Finnish LotR adaptation I saw (and reviewed on the open thread) three weeks ago.

    13. Bluebell Brenham*

      Richard Thompson in October. Saw him last summer and his voice is still going strong. And he has a new album out w some great songs.

    14. Anonymous Cat*

      I saw the musical Six which is kind of a crossover between a musical and a pop concert. Lots of fun! And the tunes have been running through my head ever since!

    15. Rage*

      My fiance introduced me to Lindsey Stirling, and I was super-excited to see she is bringing her winter show to our city! I bought him tickets for Christmas (but gave them to him early; I didn’t want to risk him seeing it advertised and then ALSO buying tickets).

    16. Banshai*

      I’m due to see Chris Stapleton live in Dublin at the end of next month, although I have no-one to go with! I bought two tickets hopeful someone could make it but everyone is busy so not sure if I’ll go or not.

      1. Anon Poster*

        Definitely still go, especially if this an artist you truly enjoy!

        Just to commiserate, not to imply that my anxieties are your anxieties, but I was super anxious the first time I went to a concert by myself. I ended up having a great time! I’m a very self-conscious person who gets in my own head too much, so when I go to concerts with other people I’m always low-key worried that person isn’t having enough fun, or thinks I’m not having enough fun, or do they secretly wish we had gotten seats instead of standing, or do they think it’s lame that we got seats, or whatever. It’s dumb. It was a cool feeling to be there on my own and enjoy the show without stuff like that creeping in.

    17. B*

      Hardly Strictly Bluegrass in San Francisco is coming up 1st week of October. Over 30 bands/musicians on 5 stages for three day9 in Golden Gate park. All for FREE courtesy of the Hellman family; a magnificent gift to the City by the Bay.

    18. Miss Buttons*

      I finally saw Jersey Boys at a small theater in Vermont recently. Absolutely loved it. I love real live theater, especially in a small venue, and especially musicals. Movies just aren’t the same. We were in the third row and could see the sweat dripping off these guys.

    19. Cruciatus*

      This summer was pretty busy!
      I saw the band AJR in Cleveland — great show! They are very entertaining to watch the entire time.
      Saw comedian Nate Bergatze at the National Comedy Center– Seven of us, with different senses of humor, all found him hilarious.
      Saw Comedian Brett Goldstein (Roy Trent from Ted Lasso) in Cleveland–I enjoyed this show a lot–very entertaining.
      Saw Come From Away in Cleveland–had no idea the passengers also played the townspeople–they did a fantastic job!
      I saw a local theater production of Spongebob Squarepants: The Musical and…damn, it was good and funny! I never was into this TV show, but the music? Guess what, it’s all written by huge names! The music is better than you think it’s going to be (if you’re not a Spongebob fan!)
      Another local theater also just did Shawshank Redemption which was good–different from the movie, but I admit I’ve never read the novella so perhaps it was closer to that? I do not agree that Andy Dufresne is the main character in it–the actor who played Red should be the final bow because he’s also narrating the show the entire time!
      Coming up: Next month: Sweeney Todd at the local theater.
      Tomorrow: The music of Phil Collins played by the local philharmonic (got the tickets free through work!)

    20. Geriatric Rocker*

      A couple of weeks ago, friends and I went to see the 50th anniversary tour of Tubular Bells. I’ve had the LP since the 70s but didn’t realise there was a Tubular Bells 2. Wonderful music played by 7 very talented musicians.

  6. Valancy Stirling*

    Procrastination thread! What have you been putting off that you want to get done this weekend?

    I need to clean my trash can.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I need to go through the upright freezer. I know I have some ice cream in there that’s left over from last Thanksgiving. :-P

    2. Just Another Cog*

      I really need to tidy up my WFH space. We moved to a new place and the home office area was kind of thrown together so I could start working on time. It’s a mess. Because of your question, I’m going to do it tomorrow! Thanks!

    3. Resume please*

      I need to buy wall paint (after I get it color matched) to touch up a few patches that were affected by some construction work. And I need to switch my homeowner’s insurance. And clean some mirrors. Fun stuff.

      I can probably knock out all of that tomorrow morning. But will I? No. No, I will not.

    4. Bike Walk Barb*

      Mending a couple of things that have been waiting around since last fall or winter. Since those seasons seem to be approaching, it’s time.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Ended up deciding the mending would wait in favor of a different procrastination project: Using up a gigantic zucchini my husband got from a friend that’s been waiting in the fridge for…a while. I made a big batch of zucchini tomato salsa last night with that and tomatoes and peppers I grew. Pretty happy with the results! I mashed up two recipes to create mine; I’ll drop a link with my version in case anyone has a giant zucchini or a bunch of smaller ones you want to use up in a creative way.

        Today I’ll be using up a bunch of free apples I got from a neighbor making a Caramel Apple Jam. I’ll drop the link to that recipe too. Found it through the Food in Jars FB group.

      2. Mephyle*

        Did a haircut – I went super short after nearly 10 years of shoulder length and longer, during which period I had only trimmed it by myself.
        I picked a salon simply on the basis that it was close to me and had decent reviews. Did a walk-in, and it turned out great.
        All the best to my fellow sheepdogs, I hope you will be as happy with your haircuts as I am.

    7. Just a name*

      I need to call my brother. I’m sending him a bunch of old family photos that I’ve been sorting through and think he should know. We rarely (almost never) talk. He’s 10 years older so I barely knew him.

    8. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I still haven’t done last week’s financial life admin – realistically it’ll take a while. This week I’m procrastinating a thorough vacuum of the room the cats sleep in (it’s tidy and litter boxes are clean, but one of the ladies sheds quite a bit). This week has been an endless chore and I didn’t have it in me to add more housework. But it’s getting done today and I’m getting Partner to help, so yay me for sharing the load (sometimes).

    10. Might Be Spam*

      I need to finish putting things back in my kitchen cabinets. I did a deep clean and reorganized them. Putting the last few things away is always hard because all the convenient spots are already filled.

      I need to get out my canning supplies and get ready to actually process the apples I’m getting on Sunday. I got apples last year, and didn’t get around to processing them before they started going bad.

    11. Sloanicota*

      I need to pay a scary bill. Well, first I need to open the scary bill, which I’ve hidden from myself because I’m a child. Then I need to figure out how on earth to make my HSA work, which I have tried to do unsuccessfully a few times. In fact I don’t know how much money is in there or if it’s enough to cover the scary bill (which, remember, I also don’t know how much that is). Please nobody chide me, I know many of you are the competent sort who don’t run into these problems. Someone told me procrastination, which I’m generalizing to avoidance behaviors like I have, are defined by putting things off *even when you know it’s making the situation worse.* That’s me in a nutshell. I totally recognize I’d probably have lower overall anxiety if I tackled things in a proactive and timely manner :(

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        I can totally relate! I have some important financial things I need to do that I have been putting off for years, and that similarly are getting worse because I’m putting them off.

        I’m wishing you strength and good luck! : )

      2. Peanut Person*

        Nobody is competent by magic… it comes through experience. Sending you good vibes to accomplish this!

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      I need to go to my apt, set up the new aerobed, wash the new linens, etc. for it and the new towels, and see what else I need to feel like I can move back in after the great roach trauma.

    15. Elle Woods*

      I need to clear out the soil from our two raised planter boxes and tear apart the boxes. (They’re several years old and starting to rot.)

    16. WorkNowPaintLater*

      Since it has finally decided to rain, have an excuse to ignore the yard and work on a bedroom (clothes. so. many. clothes.) and the kitchen (’cause someone made steak sandwiches last night).

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        That reminds me! Time to switch out things in my closet and put the sundresses towards the back for the year. Also go through my enormous collection of black tee shirts and see which ones are too shrunk up to keep and order some new ones.

    17. Squidhead*

      It’s mid day on Saturday and I just accomplished one: vacuuming the cat hair out of the furnace intake! I usually do this in, um, May or June when we’re done with the furnace. It literally takes 10 minutes (most of which is bringing the vacuum to the intake vent). Now. It. Is. Done. (please don’t look at the rest of my list!)

    18. M&M Mom*

      Had to do one small task on a PC rather than using my phone. Had the PC plugged in all day. Finally forced myself to do it. It literally took five minutes.

    19. Geriatric Rocker*

      Clearing out my kitchen cupboards. I suspect I may never have to buy tinned tomatoes again as keep buying them without checking the cupboard first.

      1. dapfloodle*

        I tried to always have some on hand during the early part of the pandemic, but I guess I’ve gotten out of that habit so much that I realized yesterday that I didn’t have any at all! Too bad you can’t transfer some to me!

    21. Susie*

      Putting away the laundry…

      It’s all neatly folded on the futon in our office…and I’ve been adding to the little piles of folded clothes over the last two weeks.

      Also on the list is following up with the referral my doctor gave to explore a possible ADHD diagnosis…

    22. dapfloodle*

      Still need to work some stuff out with a car title, I think we finally have all of the necessary paperwork together, but we’ll see. The floor also needs to be cleaned; I’m relying on my husband at least for the sweeping part because I have more chores otherwise today (laundry and cooking) and have a sore shoulder. But I might end up mopping after the sweeping, at least in the kitchen.

  7. HannahS*

    I want to branch out in classical music. I listen to the same stuff a lot–I like Baroque music in general, opera, Romantic-era art song, particularly French and German. I’m not crazy about sacred works, having been inundated with them in the past.

    What classical pieces do you like? Any favourite composers or specific pieces?

    1. Middle Aged Lady*

      Chopin Etudes esp as played by Jan Lisiecki.
      Eric Satie’s work
      I like movie soundtracks too—listening is like experiencing the movie again.

    2. Random Bystander*

      I adore Tchaikovsky’s works. (My favorite is the 4th Symphony, although musical experts consider the 6th to be the best and 4th as 2nd best).

      I also subscribe to the Halidon channel on youtube. While there are a few numbers that I think are bordering overexposed (and there are some sacred pieces in the mix, but they’re really good about time stamping if you wanted to skip something), many of them are a good mix of different works (and long videos–not that I actually look at the video, I’m using it as background music while doing other things).

      Halidon is also how I became acquainted with Litvinovsky (Tales of the Magic Tree, Pelleas et Melisande).

    4. Miss Buttons*

      Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings.
      Claude Debussy’s Clair de Lune and L’apres-midi d’un Faun (Prelude to the Afternoon of a Fawn).

    8. Fellow Traveller*

      Perhaps we have similar tastes? I like vocal music of all kinds- early music motets, Baroque Oratorio, LOVE baroque opera, actually love opera, art songs. I love love love art songs…
      Non- vocal music-wise I really like chamber music. Some favorites:
      Brahms Violin Sonatas
      Schubert String Quintet in C major
      Dvorak piano quintet.
      Apple Music released a podcast called The Story of Classical which I thought was really greatA that might also be something to check out.
      If you like French art songs, you might also like the English composers like Vaughan Williams (Fantasy on Greensleeves). Elgar (Enigma Variations), Holst (The Planets). And of course Benjamin Britten.

      1. Past Lurker*

        I’ve been listening to Vivaldi on my commute all week. The Four Seasons, but also Concerto Alla Rustica and Concerto Grosso in A minor.

    10. My oh my*

      Prokofiev. Love listening to his full ballets (Romeo and Juliet, Cinderella). If you want a mix of things, downloading the Vienna new years concert albums are fun. Tchaikovsky ballets are also sooooo amazing. I love all three so much (swan lake, sleeping beauty, nutcracker). I also really recommend your local npr station – I find new things to listen to all the time on there. I think you can stream Performance Today online. I also like Exploring Music. If you can’t tell, I go for long things, I seem to have a lot of time in the day I want to fill with beautiful music. I probably listen to about three hours at least a day during the week. It’s my company at my boring remote job.

    12. Brevity*

      Ralph Vaughan Williams. He’s written a lot of sacred music, but he’s also written a lot of non-sacred works that, of you like Baroque, you’ll like his stuff — his Fantasia on Greensleeves is breathtaking. You may also want to try Benjamin Britten. Both are modern composers, but not ultra-modern, like Phillip Glass or John Cage.

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          That’s my favourite too! I heard it for the first time in the Master and Commander movie (which has an all around excellent soundtrack) as a youngish teen…it also inspired me to listen to Tallis, and Spem in Alium is one of my all-time faves now too.

          1. Stinky Socks*

            Then, if you’re ready to take a deeper RVW dive, try out his Fourth Symphony. Horribly underrated masterpiece. Definitely incorporates twentieth-century dissonance, but it’s still RVW through and through.

    13. WoodswomanWrites*

      I won’t repeat what others have listed which I also like. I recommend Beethoven’s symphony hat are less famous than his 5th and 9th. I like his 6th, the “pastoral” Ienjoy Gustav Holst’s The Planets and his St. Paul’s Suite. Also a number of Mendelssohn’s pieces. Like Mozart, he was writing complex music as a child. The Brahms first symphony is great. According to my mother, as a very young kid, I would ask her to play the recording of this one over and over.

      When compiling lists like this, I can’t help wondering about the gifted women and girls whose compositions were never orchestrated and were completely lost. At least we have Clara Schumann who composed piano pieces that are still performed today.

    14. The Prettiest C.urse*

      – I love Rachmaninov. (Fun fact: my Russuan grandparents owned a couch on which Rachmaninov had allegedly sat ) . His second piano concerto was famously featured in Brief Encounter. His third piano concerto is also great.
      – Beethoven piano concertos 4 and 5.
      – Anything by Elgar is a good bet. His cello concerto is incredibly sad, because it was written in response to the loss of life in WWI. The Enigma Variations (musical portrairs of his friends) are very very English.
      – Tchaikovsky’s Serenade for Strings and Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings are interesting to compare and contrast.
      – Finally, if you want to listen to some classical music by women, Florence Price and Clara Schumann have both been recorded a lot more in recent years.

    15. Le le lemon*

      My taste is a little more recent than yours, but I’m a biiiiiiig sucker for the romantic era – Rachmaninov, Tchaikovsky, Debussy – and that led into finding some other gems as my tastes grew (Gershwin, Elgar).

      I’ve connected to classical through my practice, grandparents (hello, Elgar), and sport (figure skating/ballet/gymnastics is helpful here!). Listening to classical radio did a wonderful job at letting me access lesser known beauties (Christopher Tin’s Waloyo Yamoni, the Warsaw Concerto, film soundtracks). Youtube helps too.

      Australia has a national broadcast classical station called ABC Classic, and you can listen online live, or access past broadcasts via abc dot net dot au slash listen slash classic . Mornings will do themed weeks, lunchtime concerts are from around the world, and then there’s specialty programs, interviews with musicians (with playing), and past top 100 countdowns.

    16. Helvetica*

      Sibelius is a a gem – start with the violin concerto, the Hilary Hahn performance in particular.
      And Mahler’s symphonies are exquisite – probably the 5th is the easiest to get into but they are all extraordinary pieces.

      1. Le le lemon*

        I cannot STAND most of Sibelius (thanks, uni), but Finlandia is one of my favourite pep-up pieces. It’s a beautiful, inspiring, really well balanced and an amazing piece of music (+ choir!) – and did amazing things for Finland. Go read it’s history!
        Agree about Hilary Hahn – truly a gem.

    18. Maryn*

      I’m always happy to recommend my favorite classical piece, Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber. You can hear it performed by multiple groups and media at YouTube, and you’ll probably recognize it from its use in movies.

      1. Miss Buttons*

        My all-time favorite. That big crescendo starting about 4 1/2 minutes in gives me chills every time. I particularly love watching clips of Leonard Bernstein conducting it.

    19. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      I am kind of an ignoramus when it comes to classical music, but I do like Mahler. Every time I hear something of his, I’m like, “That was really good!”

    20. mreasy*

      Modern classical composers I love include Steve Reich, Arvo Part, Max Richter, Hauschka (Volker Bertelmann), William Basinski (tends toward experimental), Bruno Bavota, and Dustin O’Halloran. Also a big fan of Penderecki and seconding Satie.

    21. GoryDetails*

      I confess to an abiding fondness for the probably-much-overplayed Ravel’s “Bolero” and Pachelbel’s “Canon in D”.

      Also love Vaughan Williams, and Holst’s “The Planets”.

      And there’s the charming “Bergamasca” from Respighi’s “Ancient Airs and Dances” – that was the theme music to a classical radio station back in the day, and I still find it delightful.

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        Apparently cellists hate Canon in D because they basically just play the same few notes over and over, lol.

        I’m an absolute sucker for The Planets, even though now thanks to Bluey Jupiter makes me cry. Mars is AWESOME (see if you can spot Star Wars!)

    23. AlexandrinaVictoria*

      Ma Vlast by Smetena, particularly the movement called “The Moldau”. One of the most gorgeous orchestral pieces every written.

    25. Remifa*

      Have you heard of Voces8? They are an amazing vocal ensemble with a wide stylistic repertoire, which has helped me explore. And whatever the piece, the clarity and brilliance of their harmonies just calms me right down. I would suggest staring with their album called Lux.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          Agree. I discovered them on Youtube when I needed to work on a Bach Cantata, and it turns out my musical director rates them too!

    26. Blue Cactus*

      Hillary Hahn’s performances of Bach are really unbeatable.
      I’m a harpist, and Valerie Milot is doing things with the instrument that are out of this world.

    27. TriRN*

      Aaron Copeland!

      I especially like “Fanfare for the Common Man”

      Also: check out classical music made for film, like anything by John Williams. You’d be surprised at how pleasant those albums are to listen to apart from the films.

    28. dapfloodle*

      Would you consider Stravinsky (like Rites of Spring) and Bartok (like Concerto for Orchestra) to be classical?

      My husband especially likes Rimsky-Korsakov (Scheherazade) as well.

    29. anyjennywaynest*

      For a slightly different take on Baroque and early music check out the extensive catalog of Spanish/Catalonian, and other Mediterranean region recordings by Jordi Savall.

    30. SaraK*

      There’s an Australian company called Pinchgut Opera that put on really fabulous interpretations of early and Baroque music. One of their productions based on music from Italy (Monteverdi, Allegri, etc) which was filmed by our national broadcaster got me through the first year of Covid. I listened to/watched it a lot! I’ll post a reply to link it.

  8. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I finished my most recent run of Fire Emblem Three Houses this week. I played at a harder level than I had previously, which among other things meant I couldn’t spend a ton of time grinding my characters up. It was astonishing how quickly that made the game go by. I also played through the DLC storyline, and was really proud of myself. The last time I played it, it took about 15 hours. This time it took 6. I’ve definitely gotten better.

    1. FSU*

      Board game: Wits and Wagers (Trivial Pursuit and poker rolled into one)

      Video games: I have an Atari 2600 emulator on my computer. That’s about as modern as I get.

    2. English Rose*

      Slightly off topic but did you see they’re making a movie of the Sims with Margot Robbie? I’m desperately hoping the whole thing is scripted in Simlish!

    3. A Tired Queer*

      I recently got back into Minecraft after a long time away. Apparently a few updates have happened since then! It’s so much fun to discover new features and figure out how new things work.

    4. TriRN*

      Board game: the Harry Potter version of Clue. They added changing room openings and the possibility to get the Dark Mark, which really improved upon the original already-fun game.

      Video game: bit of a throwback, but I’ve really been enjoying Donkey Kong Country lately

      Computer game: King’s Quest! Any of them, I just enjoy the relatively mindkess puzzle-solving coupled with a silly storyline.

  9. Scotland!*

    Recently people have asked for books to help get a feel or a mental setting for a particular place. This week I’d like to ask for recs for Scotland!

    I’m going to be visiting next year and will probably be doing the tourist stuff around Edinburgh. But I’d like to kind of get a mental landscape.

    I’m open to category but I like mysteries and historical type books. Anyone have any favorites they’d recommend?

    1. Fun!*

      Oh gosh. See if you can find the movie “Local Hero.” Admittedly it takes place in a small remote town , but it’s wonderful and all about the “feel” of a place and how it gets under your skin.

      1. Bookgarden*

        Seconding Local Hero! It’s been ages since I’ve seen it but it was such a good movie.

        Oh gosh, I just watched the trailer again and never realized that the friend/coworker of the lead actor is a very young Peter Capaldi.

        1. Bookgarden*

          Argh, just came back through the thread to see what new messages there were and didn’t realize I mirrored your language there, sorry. It’s a habit of mine and wanted to let you know I wasn’t poking fun.

    2. Kingfisher*

      The NYT (if you have a subscription) actually has a series called “Read Your Way Through” and it has an article for Edinburgh from April 5, 2023! It might have some good suggestions.

      Douglas Stuart has also written some incredible books about growing up in Glasgow (Shuggie Bain and Young Mungo) but those are admittedly quite bleak, so might not be what you’re looking for.

      1. Scotland!*

        I didn’t know about that series! I will investigate!

        And I think my general reading list just expanded exponentially!!

    3. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      Check out Clanlands, by Graham McTavish and Sam Heughan. Yes, Duncan and Jamie from Outlander. They toured Scotland, checking out a lot of historical sights — and a lot of this history was not taught in their schools! Also, if you’re into Mad Men, you’ll find out what Pete meant when he said “The King ordered it!!”

    4. HannahS*

      These are children’s books, but I ADORED Little House in the Highlands and its sequels when I was little.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        It’s been a looooong time since I read it, but I remember loving Phyllis A. Whitney’s children’s book, *Mystery on the Isle of Skye*. It made me want to move to a haunted castle on the Isle of Skye and become a mystery writer (which I did not do, but I did visit Skye as an adult, and it is gorgeous! Take the lovely railway journey from Inverness to Kyle of Lochalsh and arrange to rent a car on Skye, and you will be all set.)

    6. Jessica*

      I have two suggestions, both mystery, but completely different vibes.
      Val McDermid is a Scottish writer; some of her stuff is set in Scotland and some isn’t. Two of her series are. There’s an older (started in the ’80s) series set in Glasgow; lesbian protagonist Lindsay Gordon is a journalist. Start with Report for Murder. And there’s a newer series (started in the oughts) set in Fife; protagonist Karen Pirie is a police detective whose team works cold cases. Start with The Distant Echo (though Pirie becomes more central in subsequent books). McDermid’s work has a modern-Scotland vibe and I’m always picking up new slang from her. Her stuff can be dark though.

      If you’d like something with more of a cozy vibe, try Alexander McCall Smith’s Sunday Philosophy Club series, set in Edinburgh. Protagonist Isabel Dalhousie is a professional philosopher; these books often don’t even have murders, but they’re guaranteed to have ethical reflections, references to W.H. Auden, a bit of mystery, and lots of local color. Start with The Sunday Philosophy Club. This is Scotland through the eyes of someone who loves it and feels lucky to be there.

      1. Weegie*

        If you have time for only one McDermid book, I’d recommend 1979, which beautifully captures Glasgow (and other places in Scotland) in that year. It’s a novel that I assume is based on her own younger days as a newspaper reporter.

      2. EllenD*

        Don’t forget Alexander McCall Smith’s other Edinburgh series 44 Scotland Street. There’s more than 20 books, but give a feel for how middle class lives in Edinburgh. It mentions real places and occasionally people.

      4. allathian*

        There’s also a TV show, Karen Pirie, based on McDermid’s books. It’s currently on Disney+. I havent seen it yet but I’d like to.

    9. Six Feldspar*

      Ian Rankin has written a number of crime books set mostly around Edinburgh and Glasgow (the Inspector Rebus series and some standalones)

    10. Im*

      DEStevenson set many of her books in lowland Scotland. They are well-written “cozy” stories. They were out of print, but many have been reissued as ebooks and/or regular books.

      Agreeing with the HAmish McTavish series, which is fun and engrossing.

    11. Canadian in Scotland*

      Trainspotting is set in Edinburgh … not exactly the tourist version of it though. :)

      Otherwise I think everything mentioned in this thread so far is a good suggestion.

    12. Clisby*

      Some of Alexander McCall Smith’s novels are set in Edinburgh – look for the Isabel Dalhousie series or the 44 Scotland Street series.

    13. Emily of New Moon*

      “Fayne” by Anne-Marie MacDonald. It takes place in 19th century Scotland (with the exception of a few chapters in other countries) and it’s written in the style of a gothic novel from that time period (think the Bronte sisters) although it was actually written in the 21st century. The narrator is Charlotte Bell, who is 12 years old, and the novel is about her family and the secrets they have. If I tell you any more, it will ruin it.

      It’s only available for purchase in stores in Canada, but you may be able to order it online if you’re in another country.

    14. Sister George Michael*

      I’m a fan of Catriona McPherson’s cozy mysteries featuring sleuth Dandy Gilver, an upper class lady in post-World War I Scotland. The author is really great at period details.

    15. Cardboard Marmalade*

      Two free options for you, both very different:

      -Walks Near Edinburgh by Margaret Warrender is available from Project Gutenberg and has an engaging, gossipy tone while simultaneously being dense with local history

      -About a month ago, I stumbled very randomly (while searching for information about geometry, not Scotland) across this very earnest blog that aesthetically feels like a time capsule of the late-90s internet, but has some surprisingly well-written reminiscences of growing up on the Scottish coast. The homepage is scottishheritage (dot) net.

    17. Rankeillor*

      “Kidnapped” by Robert Louis Stevenson is a 19th century novel set in 18th century Scotland that’s been filmed several times. I love it for the Scots dialect and the character of the “wild highlander” Alan Breck Stewart, but it’s also a great adventure romp.

  10. About Switzerland*

    I love the question from Scotland! about books that provide an insight into a particular place. I’m traveling to Switzerland in late October for a conference in Bern with a couple of extra days.

    What books, movies, or other “something” would give me an idea of the place and the people?

    As a child I read “Heidi” and still have fond memories of the descriptions of the Alps but that feels like a pretty incomplete picture. I vaguely remember the William Tell apple/arrow story. Watching Jason Bourne movies and others that involve Swiss bank accounts doesn’t really do it either.

    What foods do I particularly want to try? Chocolate of course! I’m a vegetarian. Fondue, sure, but others that are especially good or in some way quintessentially Swiss?

    2. Jessica*

      Not just fondue, but raclette! This is the thing where you apply some heat to the cut face of a cheese, it gets melty, and you scrape the melted cheese off onto assorted accompanying foods like new potatoes, pickles, etc. There are various modern contraptions for it, but I think it originated with country people just chopping a wheel of cheese open and holding it over the fire. Anyway, delicious!

    4. KeinName*

      Buried Truth on netflix, a Swiss Crime Drama about detective Rosa Wilder. It’s in original Bernerdeutsch. I’m from a neighbouring country and it made me quite shocked about what the Swiss are like. Hope it’s all made up.

    6. Zweisatz*

      Tschugger is a funny cop show on Netflix that plays in one of the valleys. It has sort of a retro aesthetic and is certainly self-ironic.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Thanks for asking. She is not doing well and she’s on hospice now. She did vote in early voting today though, which she’s happy about.

      In the middle of this, my husband was recently diagnosed with his own cancer. Highly likely to be cured with surgery, but man.

      8. HannahS*

        Oh Alison, I am so sorry to hear that. It really speaks to the kind of person your mom is that she wanted to vote! I wish you and your family peace in this time.

        1. HoundMom*

          That is a lot to hit you all at once. You and your family are in my thoughts. Your description of your Mom paints a picture of a woman who loves deeply and lives life to the full.

      11. Double A*

        I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope you all have as much peace as is possible through these times. And I hope your husband’s surgery goes as well as possible.

      15. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        I’m so sorry that you and your loved ones are going through this. I wish for moments of peace for each of you.

      18. Ellis Bell*

        I hope his treatment gets him back to you and the kitties as soon as logistically possible. Your mom making sure that she votes from the hospice sounds characteristically awesome…

      19. Falling Diphthong*

        I’m so sorry.

        If you have a cancer support center near you, they were so helpful in suggesting resources I hadn’t known existed as an option. Like people came in to walk my dogs, which makes such a difference post chest surgery.

      20. Irish Teacher.*

        I’m really sorry to hear you are going through all that. That’s a lot to deal with in one go.

      22. allathian*

        I’m so sorry. Your mom sounds like an awesome person. I hope your husband’s treatment goes well. Thanks for the update.

        1. Sloanicota*

          Echoed. There’s no particular words of wisdom for getting through these hard times so there’s not much any of us can say, except sometimes you think “welp, this is gonna suck for a while” and then you get down to it and get through it the best you can.

      25. Mimmy*

        I am so sorry to hear all of this. Glad your husband’s cancer is treatable but still, that’s a lot all at once. Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family.

      26. Eli*

        I’m sorry you’ve been hit by two such awful blows, but glad to hear your husband’s cancer is treatable. I wish you both all the best.

      29. Dr. Doll*

        Oh no, so sorry to hear this news. I’m sure I speak for the whole commentariat when I say if there is *anything* you want or need, just let us know. Sending all the good thoughts. <3

      30. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        Oy, I’m so very sorry to hear that. Sending you big hugs and wishing you the strength to be there for both of them. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too–keep eating, hydrating, and taking breaks, even though you may not feel like it right now.

      34. LivesinaShoe*

        I’m so sorry to hear this. Doesn’t seem fair, in a big picture sense, to have more to deal with on top of the expected rough parts.

      35. Treeline*

        Wishing your Mom comfort in hospice and hope your husband’s outcome is great. Impressive that your mom voted even with all she’s going through and also that you can keep the column going at such a pace while managing all this.

      36. Saturday*

        I love that your mom made sure to vote despite what she’s going through. Based on that and the other things you’ve said about her here, I like her very much.

        Very best wishes for your husband’s surgery. So sorry you have to deal with everything at the same time.

      37. Bookgarden*

        I am so sorry, Alison. It sounds like you were able to provide her with so many good experiences throughout this. That’s great your husband’s cancer is treatable, even that’s so much for you all to have to go through.

      38. Miss Buttons*

        Good for your Mom for voting! I hope hospice will bring her some comfort. Wishing for a good outcome for your husband. And peace to you.

      41. Anonosaurus*

        I’m really sorry. that is a lot. I hope your mom is comfortable and peaceful and that your husband’s surgery goes well.

      42. Lady Caterine de Blah*

        So sorry! Best wishes to your mom and husband and you. Thank you for all you do, your site is a tremendous support.

      43. Hroethvitnir*

        Oh no. I’m sorry – I hope Husband’s treatments go as smoothly as possible!

        My partner had to experience something similar with his mother + me getting cancer (and some serious pet health issues), and it felt a lot easier to be me! I’m still here, at least.

      44. Elizabeth West*

        *HUGS* for you Alison. Sending vibes for peace and comfort for you and your mom and a speedy recovery for your hubby.

      46. ThatOtherClare*

        Oof. I’m so sorry Alison.

        May your family’s medical professionals be clever and compassionate, may your treatments be effective and dignified, and may you be surrounded by loving and supportive people.

      47. Observer*

        “Oh man” really sums it up doesn’t it…

        There’s not much to say.

        I do hope that your Mom’s hospice staff are as good as can be and her time is also as good as can be. And I hope that your husband’s surgery is soon, goes well and he heals quickly and easily.

      50. Retirednew*

        I am so very sorry to hear this. You have been through so much as has your mom – you are incredibly strong women and I admire you both so much. Sending you light and healing and hoping that your husband’s cancer turns out to be treatable and fully curable.

    2. Brevity*

      I’m so sorry to hear about your mom and husband. I’m very hopeful for your husband — as someone with a chronic illness, I am constantly amazed by the wonders of modern medicine. There is a constant stream of new treatments for all kinds of things that were unthinkable even ten years ago.

      You’re all in my thoughts,

    3. BellaStella*

      I am sorry to hear this news. Sending good vibes for your mom, husband, you, and all of your family.

    4. Bluebell Brenham*

      So sorry to hear this, Alison. So glad your mom got to vote, and I hope her hospice care experience is as good as it can be. And may your husband’s surgery go smoothly.

    6. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Thank you, all. Much appreciated. Just to clarify since it sounds like I might have given the wrong idea above, “on hospice” doesn’t mean “moved to a hospice facility” — just has stopped treatment and enrolled in hospice care (where the point is to keep her as comfortable as possible, but she’s still at home; the hospice people come to her; hospice is fantastic if you can do it that way). She plans to die at home (at a time of her choosing, using legalized medical aid in dying).

      1. 653-CXK*

        When my father had hospice care (running from around August 2005 until his death on November 2005) the nurses and assistants who ran it were incredible. They encouraged my mother to take breaks and get out of the house, and monitored him on his last days.

        1. PhyllisB*

          We had hospice care for my mother because her regular doctor would not give her pain medication.
          They were wonderful people.

      2. acmx*

        Sorry to hear your mom is not doing well but it’s great she’s doing things on her terms.

        Wishing your husband well in his treatment and hope you have support through all of this.

      3. Bibliovore*

        yes, this is what we did for my dad and it was the best of a bad situation. Sending love and peace to your family.

      4. Ontariariario*

        I had a family member go through MAID last year (that’s the name in Canada) and it was so much better than I had expected, even knowing that I’ve been a big fan from the start (having things in the open and talking about it tends to be much better emotionally for everyone). It’s really hard, but the right support and planning can make it more manageable.

      5. Philosophia*

        Alison, all the best to your mother and your husband and you. May her remaining life also be for a blessing.

  12. Falling Diphthong*

    Advent calendars: any cool recommendations? I’m into food, art, science, craft; not into skin care or luxury products.

    Last year someone recommended the Bonne Maman Advent Calendar with 24 festive jams, and I wound up getting copies for myself and both (grown and launched) kids. My younger child really liked the jams but was interested in something different.

    For the traditional paper version, the Bodleian Library at Oxford has one with old books, which I really like, but it’s the same one every year.

    2. Blomma*

      For the past 2 or 3 years, we’ve done the Bonne Maman jam advent calendar and one from David’s Tea. We have the jam with toast, yogurt, etc and pair it with the tea. I have already ordered both for this year! : )

    3. Don’t put metal in the science oven*

      Costco has a different wine advent calendar every year. It’s 24 little half-bottles of wine. Great fun for wine fans. Hint: in some states, you don’t have to be a Costco member to buy alcohol there.

      2. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        My son and Dil have gotten this two years running – they really like it, AND the bottles are very cool! He gave a case of them and I have reused them for many things. This year I’m infusing local honeys and the bottles are perfect.

    4. Docglobe*

      I’ve been purchasing items I know I will like and wrapping them in brown paper since around June. Will attach numbers 1-25 randomly to each package. It’s kind of a take on Etsy advent calendars for stationery. This way I know I will like everything.

      1. Double A*

        I love this idea!! I’m always kind of thinking about holiday stuff and what a great excuse to get little treats

      2. Soon to be ex spouse*

        This is a great idea for me, who also has no memory of that thing behind the wrapping paper
        Do you put them all in standard size boxes? I would probably just put tin foil around the object, I am the worst wrapper

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      World Market usually has a lot of fun options! I just looked online and they have several tea/candy/cookie/food options as well as a dog treat one, Harry Potter puzzle one, and some others.

      For crafts, KiwiCo has a couple where you build a little balsa wood village. They’re technically for kids but their stuff is really fun and cute, and when my kids get them I always kind of want my own to customize.

      1. Double A*

        Yes!! The Kiwi & Co one is ADORABLE. And reusable year to year. I got it for the kids, but honestly I got way more of a kick out of it than they did. I’m really looking forward to making it a Christmas tradition.

    7. Thatgirl*

      My mom sent me a cool one last year – it was called Delicious Indiana and had treats from around the state for each day. Lots of candy but also honey, tea, a tiny summer sausage… they have them for other states and regions as well. Delicious Food Delivered is the website.

    8. Writerling*

      Ohh one of my friends does a tea calendar! Not sure if she buys one premade or makes her own, mayyyybe Tea Forte is the store?

    10. Mari*

      the woobles crochet craze has an advent calendar, i keep seeing ads for it but have no idea of how expensive or fun it is :)

    13. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      If you have pets, Trader Joe’s has dog and cat advent calendars with treats for each day.

    15. Rosyglasses*

      I just saw a Gilmore girls themed advent calendar that was advertised to me and I am thinking about buying it!

    16. Teapot Translator*

      I’ve discovered there’s jigsaw advent calendars. From what I’ve seen, there’s two versions: one puzzle, divided in 24 sections OR 24 small puzzles.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Wow, I’m loving all these creative ideas, I had no idea! I’m going to do some early Christmas shopping and give these as gifts to people I won’t be seeing this year. My mother’s birthday is also in November which is timely.

    17. Roland*

      Palais de Thé! A friend gave me one once and I loved it. Tried a few different tea ones and went back to Palais because it was the best in terms of both tasting good and interesting selection (not just the stuff you’d find at the store any day).

    18. Weekend Warrior*

      For an immersive Advent experience the Jacquie Lawson online Calendar can’t be beat. Games, recipes, tree decorating, wreath making – there’s something new to click on and discover every day in December. Settings change every year; Cotswolds, Scandinavia, Edwardian country house, and so on. I get a copy for my husband and sister as well and we all get addicted to one game or another. I’m a Christmas ball smashing fanatic myself. :)

      1. GoryDetails*

        Seconding Jacquie Lawson – I can spend hours playing with the advent-calendar games, and they’re all just so pretty…

      2. Pippa K*

        These are genuinely great – beautiful, lots to do, and not expensive. They make nice early-in-the-season gifts.

      3. Rosyglasses*

        We have been doing these (my mom, my son up until high school, myself) for about 10 years. Love them – they are so creative and fun!

    19. Chauncy Gardener*

      Harbor Sweets has two different advent calendars and their chocolate is divine. Made in Marblehead, MA USA

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I like L’Occitane’s Advent Calendar, which sets me up with all my travel-sized toiletries for the following year!

    20. Donkey Hotey*

      It’s a little niche but Diamine makes a fountain pen ink-vent calendar with small samples of holiday themed inks.

    21. dapfloodle*

      My husband and I buy a tea advent calendar every year. I think we usually get one of the Pukka ones… last year we got the Numi one which was an interesting change.

    22. TheBunny*

      Whittard of Chelsea does one with hot chocolate. It’s expensive but we love it and have done it a couple of times.

  13. Bike Walk Barb*

    Trying new things–

    What’s something you’ve tried recently to stretch yourself in new directions without necessarily expecting you’ll be good at it, or to try something that has always interested you?

    I’ve been signing up for classes through our local parks/rec department since January and really enjoying the opportunity for super low cost learning along with meeting people in the town we moved to during the early pandemic.

    Improv has been a favorite; they keep offering and I keep taking the short scenes class again. We now have an Improv Friends Club that gets together on the breaks between class sessions.

    I signed up for Creative Contemporary Dance knowing that I don’t have the flexibility or strength of someone who’s trained in dance. Went to my first class Monday and have already forgotten all the choreography she taught us so this will be humbling week after week.

    Hula hoop class starts next Friday and I really can’t wait for that one. Should be tons of fun.

    My husband and I have taken multiple rounds of swing dance classes and it makes for a great date night.

    My future list includes taking Intro to Drawing, something I don’t expect to be awesome at but would love to try.

    What’s stretching your learning chops in a good way?

    2. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Love improv! Took my first class two years ago because the stand-up class didn’t work with my schedule. Really enjoyed improv. Finally got to scratch my stand-up itch last winter and discovered it’s not for me, so now doing more improv.

      Would like to get back to tap-dancing – took classes years ago and enjoyed it. Just had my second knee replacement so that one will have to wait.

    3. Alex*

      I just started a ballet class. It is totally out of character for me but I noticed as I am getting older (and uh…fatter, unfortunately) I’m losing connection with my body. Not that I was EVER graceful or anything like that, but just random movements I used to be able to do now seem harder or more awkward. I thought it might help me get more connected to my body and help flexibility in a fun way. I love it so far!

    4. Double A*

      Writing a book. For years I thought I wanted to a writer, but I honestly never had ideas. Then I accepted that actually, I’m not a writer. Then I had an idea for a book and I’m going for it and have written about 40k words. Right now it’s just for me.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        I can relate a lot, and 40K words sounds really impressive to me! Great job, sending all the good vibes to keep it up for as long as it’s fun :)

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      You’re so cool! This sounds super fun!

      Like a decade ago I tried cardio kickboxing and really enjoyed it. I’m not at all strong or athletic but it’s such a fun workout. I’ve been thinking I’d like to give it another try (I stopped while pregnant and then moved somewhere they didn’t have a gym like that, but I have options in my area again) but I’ve only become less athletic so I’m kind of intimidated now.

    6. Isabel Archer*

      Signed up for a 4-week beginner adult tap class over the summer. Bought tap shoes and everything. Never went back after the first class. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for trying something new, and my body was definitely not on board with any of it.

    7. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’ve taken up volleyball again. It was my teenage sport and I hadn’t played in 20 years.

      It’s good fun, barely feels like taxing exercise (the way running or the gym would), and the moves still come to me naturally. But it’s also a useful mental exercise in a few things I can do with getting better at.

      Patience, because I really want to do overhand serves again and have lost that ability completely. I’m practicing in an environment with no pressure and one day it’ll happen.

      Acceptance, because the drive to compare myself to younger, fitter people is powerful. Gosh, they are so good, I think – I wish I had their strength! And then I remember I’m probably not so bad myself, for the state of my body at my current age. It’s ok to meet myself where I’m at. Some of my old fear of being judged (I used to be the weak link in a very competitive team) pops up now and then, and I can tell myself: look, if anyone’s looking down on you at a low-stakes game like this, it’s their problem, not yours.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I tried a drawing class and discovered I really do not enjoy drawing still lifes of round objects.

      The practice proved good for doing light sketches in a watercolor class, which was freer and looser and more my speed. (It was called “loosening up with watercolor” so “loose” was a deliberate instructor choice.)

    9. Morning Reader*

      I’ve been in a nonfiction book club for a few years now; I’ve learned so much that has changed or enhanced my view of nature and the world at large. (Off to discuss Entangled this morning.)

      Besides that I keep taking little classes of things to try. Pottery – not good at it and I’ll never get the wheel, but it was fun and I made some little things I like. Macrame – bad at that too. Painting. Singing. Just attended a storytelling event and maybe I’ll try that next. I find I like the one-off classes better than a long commitment.

      1. Seashell*

        Speaking of storytelling, I’ve been watching the PBS show Stories from the Stage and find it very interesting. I don’t like public speaking, but it has some appeal for me.

    10. fposte*

      I’ve been dog walking at the local humane society. It’s been interesting because it’s very focused on training the dogs in basics with a strictly R+ approach (no corrections), so I’ve been learning that and learning the best ways to handle taking excited dogs out of kennels first thing in the morning, but it’s also a good experience for my ambiguity tolerance—there’s a lot of harmless variation in how some stuff gets done and I’ve found it valuable to embrace that. Plus the dogs are, of course, characters.

    11. Sloanicota*

      I loved zumba for this, as I don’t have a dancing bone in my body but wanted the workout. I was indeed awful but it was fun. It all depends on the instructor. I also started ukelele even though I don’t even read music or play very well. I went through a year of deliberately picking things I knew I wouldn’t be good at and just “playing.” This year I’m going to sign up for a stained glass class, but I expect to be reasonably good at that – not exceptional, just average. That’s fine.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      I’m basically no fun right now, as I’m still being covid cautious, but earlier as an adult, I did take karate and join a marching band, both fun choices.

      These days, I’ve been trying to do a little light birdwatching.

    13. ww*

      I have taken up landsurfing, which is a fitness class teaching surf moves on a board on giant rubber balls, essentially, that requires to you balance the way you would have to in the water. It’s hard! And wacky, and there was zero expectation of being good at it (who knows how to landsurf?!) and a great workout.

      I’m not an athletic person, have no motivation or willpower for self-guided workouts but am at the age when you can no longer coast on genes and youth to, say, keep your cholesterol numbers from scaring the doctors. But when I took ice skating lessons a couple years ago it was kind of a drag – I kept remembering how good I used to be at skating (y’know, pre-puberty body changes at 13 when you’re mega-flexible and indestructible) and feeling intimidated by all the actually good skaters on the ice.

      In beginner landsurf class, everyone is flailing all over the place, it’s bonkers fun and I might take them up on the wavepool classes some day! My stamina is lousy (see: coasting on genes and youth for 35 years) but every class I can go a couple minutes longer before I start wishing for death. It’s fun!

    14. Bobina*

      recently started drawing classes partly for the purposes of fighting the oncoming winter blues but also to try something new and am enjoying stretching my brain even if the actual outcomes are extremely average lol

    15. Jackalope*

      I started learning the local indigenous language; I had wanted to do so for years, and they finally offered classes for non-natives. It’s different from any languages I’d studied before and a challenge, but mostly in a good way. I loved every single class.

      I also started yoga recently. I’m missing some of the flexibility of my younger years, and wanted a new physical activity that would be fun. I had a great class I took for about a month (the length of the class), and would definitely try again.

    16. Florence Reece*

      Ooo I’m starting swing dance classes next week! It sounds like a lot of fun, good to hear that you both enjoy it too.

      I just got back from my big Europe vacation, and I happened to sign up for a canoe trip just north of Amsterdam*. I wanted to go for the view — I’d never kayaked or done any kind of rowing before, so it was just meant as a one-time “look what I did” kind of thing. But it turns out I really, really like rowing on canoes specifically lol. So I’m going to get back into swimming (pre-req to join my local canoe club) and start canoeing back at home too.

      This is a ways out but I’m also planning to invest in an e-bike at some point and get into biking around town, as someone who has only ridden bikes a handful of times in my life. I’m excited for that eventuality!

      *For anyone in or visiting Amsterdam, I highly recommend Wetlands Safari! It’s run by one very rad and knowledgeable lady, and it was my favorite part of our ~3 week trip.

    17. Makare*

      After a lifetime of being terrified of heights (had many a bad experience as a teen of being at ropes courses and freezing up halfway up a tree or climbing wall, compounded by inexperienced camp counselors telling me I “had” to climb the tree even when I said I didn’t want to), I tried my hand at bouldering a couple years ago and loved it, to my surprise! Somehow the lack of safety harness seems to help convince my brain that I’m safe, I think? I do still freeze on the wall occasionally, but I’m learning to trust my body in new ways. And a couple weeks ago while setting up for my brother’s wedding I scaled a 20-foot extension ladder and spent 15 minutes tying ropes to a tree branch (read, no hands on the ladder) with only some sweating! I was so proud of myself, I don’t think I would have been able to do it a few years ago.

    18. Donkey Hotey*

      For me, my stretching myself has been more in the “meeting new people/making friends” category. I went to a local game store and picked up a flyer for a D&D group that’s starting.

    19. karstmama*

      i started another round of grad school this fall, in computers and informatics, which i know nothing about at all. i’m so stretched that all my brains are like silly putty!

  14. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

    I just acquired a kit to build a miniature library. To be precise, it’s called Sam’s Study, and it’s part on a line called DIY Miniature House, from a company called Rolife. (I’m adding all this info in lieu of a link.) Saw it in a shop and thought I remembered a video, in a book-lovers’ forum, of someone putting it together. Turns out it is the same one!

    I just opened it up, and the instructions…whoof. I’m gonna need that video.

    1. Gathering Moss*

      I’ve made that one! The Rolife kits take some patience; I recommend making some of the individual little pieces to get the hang of the process, and build up the entire room gradually.
      And make sure you give the glue plenty of time to dry!
      I posted my finished version on Insta; I’ll drop a link as a reply (I did modify the colour scheme a bit)

        1. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

          Well done!

          Mr. Critic will be away Monday and Tuesday, so I’ll have the dining room table to spread out on. I’ll do at least one bookshelf and surprise him. What was daunting about the instructions was primarily that it seems like to build one piece, I have to get six pieces from Bag 2, twelve pieces from Bag 5, and so on. The instructions did caution me to only take out what I need at one time.

          I have no deadline; it will take as long as it takes.

          1. Gathering Moss*

            Yeah, agreed on the number of parts! The Rolife kits also have sheets with labelled outlines of all the pieces, so if it’s ever not obvious which piece is which, you can use that a a templte o work it out.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Oh yes, I bought one of these, but they’re a little more fiddly than I like a craft, so I’m going to bring it home over Thanksgiving and do it with my dad, who is a very orderly Lets Follow Directions kind of guy.

    3. Mystery*

      Can I recommend the show Best in Miniature as an accompaniment for this? The miniature houses people make are stunning.

  16. goddessoftransitory*

    Here’s a question I already semi-answered in the reading thread: what is your favorite book to re-read?

    I do a lot of re-reading in general, but a LOT during the Halloween and Christmas holidays. For the former it’s Dracula and Ray Bradbury’s The Halloween Tree, along with Frankenstein, To The Dust Return’d, and tons of short stories. For Christmas it’s The Doomsday Book, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, tons of short stories again, and Jeanette Wintersen’s Twelve Days. These books and stories really help me feel a certain way during these seasons.

    What are your specific returns?

    1. Blue wall*

      I re-read almost the entire Discworld series every 2-3 years. It always feels fresh.

      My winter comfort rereads are from my favorite historical (light-on-the-)romance author, Barbara Metzger.

      I might reread some Moomins this winter, more good cozy comfort.

      3. Donkey Hotey*

        My hat (full of sky) is off to you. I’m still struggling to get through my first read-through of the series. Currently on Feet of Clay.

    2. Writerling*

      Ohh, I haven’t re-read a lot recently but there was a time when I’d read all of Harry Potter in a year (ish, I might skip sections) because I read half before I moved across continents and finished them in the new country, finding my way in a new world along with him. I re-read my French comic books occasionally, and also used to re-read Fullmetal Alchemist and Rurouni Kenshin once a year because I love them.

      Lots of books I want to go back and re-read as a writer, like Jasper Ffjorde’s Thursday Next series, Maggie Stiefvater’s The Raven Cycle series, and Lian Hearn’s Tales of the Otori series. Not sure I’ll find the time for those in between reading for class and writing but who knows!

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I reread the October Daye and Incryptid series every couple of years, mostly because the author is still putting out new books in them and I need a refresher.

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      I try to read The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings every few years. (I make zines and have putting this off because I want to do a zine about it this time, but that will make it last forever…..)

      Spooky season always merits a rereading of Dracula by Bram Stoker. It’s a tough book for some people, but having some background certainly helps to make it a delightful read.

      Also, Rule of the Bone by Russell Banks. I’ve recommended this before and it makes you feel all the feels: sad, happy, depressed, elated, depressed, elated. It’s like taking your limbic system on a marathon.

      In a similar vein, I also pull down Le Grand Meaulnes by Alain-Fournier every once in a while. First read it in an honors English class, and I detest that it seems to get stuck there. It deserves wider recognition.

      When I get depressed, I also will re-read anything by A.A. Milne. Winnie-the-Pooh is great, although everything he wrote is wonderfully delightful.

      1. Not A Manager*

        The ending of House At Pooh Corner is unbearably sad and always makes me cry. I’m aware that that says more about me than it does about Pooh.

        1. HoundMom*

          Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. Charles was a piece of work so I often wonder about that but that book speaks to me.

    6. HannahS*

      I read the Little House on the Prairie books at least once a year. For a long time I read through Harry Potter for about a decade but that’s petered out.

    7. FSU*

      Little House on the Prairie (on Audible) series.
      Jane Eyre
      Arrows of the Queen by Mercedes Lackey
      There’s a couple old, original series Star Trek novels I like to reread (I collected them as a kid)

    8. Double A*

      Middlemarch, which I have reread several times and know I will read again, and Infinite Jest, which I have read twice but it’s always on the back of my mind to read again and I know someday I will. Maybe within the next year.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        Middlemarch is a great book to re-read, because you identify with different characters as you age – though one constant in that book is that everyone marries the wrong person. (Dr Lydgate, WTF were you thinking?)

        1. InkyFingers*

          Came here to say much the same!

          Along with Middlemarch, Pat Conroy’s writing in Prince of Tides never fails to thrill every time I reread it

        3. word nerd*

          I recently read Middlemarch and the Imperfect Life by Pamela Erens, which explores the author’s different reactions to reading Middlemarch at different points in her life, among other things. I’d definitely recommend it to Middlemarch fans!

      2. CityMouse*

        I’m impressed you’ve read Infinite Jest twice. I’ve gotten about halfway through and just couldn’t. I think it’s the end notes that kill me, flipping back and forth just tires me out.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          For me it was that only one of the three plotlines was interesting but I couldn’t tell if the other two were important enough not to skip. BYE!

        2. dapfloodle*

          I think I’ve read Infinite Jest 3 times, but these times were not very recent. The third time was while my husband was reading it, and done so that we could discuss it together, but that was still probably closer to 20 years ago than 15.

          Some people use two bookmarks to help with the endnotes thing, maybe that’d help?

      3. GoryDetails*

        Middlemarch is definitely one of my re-reads! (Though as the decades pass and the Really Good Books accrue, I find I have less and less time to re-read old favorites.)

    10. Jessica*

      I’m always happy to reread my favorites, but the only thing I can think of that I reread seasonally is A Christmas Carol.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        LOVE A Christmas Carol! I can recite The Ghost of Christmas Present’s scolding of Scrooge by heart.

    11. Dark Macadamia*

      I re-read Pride and Prejudice quite a bit. Hunger Games is weirdly a comfort read because it’s quick and engaging when I just want to zoom through a book in one sitting (I think we talked about this before here!) I often read Haunting of Hill House around Halloween, Bell Jar when I’m feeling depressed, and Code Name Verity just because.

      Love seeing multiple Little House comments! I read them a ton as a kid and then went 20+ years without them but I’ve been reading them recently to my kids. Very different experience as an adult but I still love them.

      1. HannahS*

        I read a wonderful book this year called Prairie Fires, by Caroline Fraser. It is firmly for adults, but it’s a non-fictional exploration of the Little House series. It’s hard to explain exactly, but she grounds both the events of the books and their eventual writing in the social/political/economic events of the each time period, across the lives of Laura, Caroline, and Rose. It explores what is true and untrue in the stories, and how that fits with a larger constructed narrative about what it means to be American.

        2. Bike Walk Barb*

          I’m going to look for this one. I read and loved these books as a kid. Then when I started reading the series to my children I recognized Ma’s problematic racism. On the fly I had to make up new lines to eliminate messages I didn’t want to convey to my children.

          I’m reluctant to go back and reread books I loved as a child, expecting that some are likely to have that same kind of content I couldn’t recognize then. I’d rather think of them fondly without specifics.

          1. Zelda*

            I’m reluctant to go back and reread books I loved as a child, expecting that some are likely to have that same kind of content I couldn’t recognize then.

            Ah, the visit of the Suck Fairy. It’s ruined many a book.

          2. Dark Macadamia*

            Some of it honestly gives a really good foundation for age-appropriate conversations. Like it’s okay for Ma to be scared but not to judge everyone by their race, people you love can say/do bad things, etc. I haven’t gotten to the one where Pa does a minstrel show with my kids, though, so we’ll see how that goes.

            My biggest thing now is that I always thought Ma was so mean as a kid and now I’m like dang this woman’s life sucked. Pa dragged her across the country away from her family and preferred lifestyle to live in the middle of nowhere, then a hole in the ground, etc etc. And this is the sugarcoated version!

            1. Jackalope*

              I mean, it’s kind of both. Pa was a jerk and dragged her away from everything multiple times. AND she was also kind of a jerk at times as well.

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          I’m going to buy that for my mom! She’s super into history and loves the Little House books, this is right up her alley.

        4. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

          I also liked Pioneer Girl: The Annotated Autobiography published by the South Dakota Historical Society Press. It’s an annotated version of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s autobiography that provides a ton of context and history.

          1. Dark Macadamia*

            Oh this sounds wonderful. Prairie Fires is so long I worry I’d never finish it, but I didn’t even know she had written an autobiography and this sounds like a good way to also get some of the context outside her own story.

    12. Isabel Archer*

      The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame. I also just reread Martin Marten by Brian Doyle, which is also a lovely story about the interior lives of animals, but with less motorcar theft.

    13. Six Feldspar*

      I read Hogfather every Christmas (which is in summer for me), and Sunshine and Reaper Man every winter.

    14. Helvetica*

      I try to read One Hundred Years of Solitude every year. It is one of, if not my favourite book. Something about the magic atmosphere really takes me in and never feels like a repeat but always as beautiful as the first time I read it, about 20 years ago.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I’m that way about Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury. I read it as a kid at random and it just seized me by the heart.

    15. Kate*

      The Physician by Noah Gordon.

      It’s about a British man in the 1000s who WALKS to Persia to learn medicine.

    16. YrLocalLibrarian*

      Winter Solstice, by Rosamund Pilcher, for Christmas coziness. Sunshine by Robin McKinley, for the creepiness and baked goods. Thornyhold, by Mary Stewart, for the sorting-out-an-old-house and homely-magic vibes. Jane Eyre, because I love a plucky orphan with terrible taste in men.

    17. CityMouse*

      Not the whole thing, but I reread sections of Moby Dick about once a year. The Jonah Sermon and the last few chapters particularly.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        There’s apparently a yearly read aloud at the New Bedford Whaling Museum every year! Link in replies.

    18. Falling Diphthong*

      Recent rereads: The Scholomance and Murderbot series. I loved them the first time and always find new details.

      Christmas: Miracle collection of short stories by Connie Willis. Favorites are Newsletter, in which the heroine realizes there is an alien invasion because everyone is being very reasonable, and Epiphany, in which a minister receives an epiphany that He has returned, and the minister must go west to find him. This really captures the feel of January, and how strange an epiphany would be.

      The Curse of Chalion by Bujold is a long-time favorite. It really excels at pulling off the “… and now all the threads pull together” in a satisfying way.

      1. Zelda*

        I have read _Curse of Chalion_ over and over and over. I haven’t quite gotten to the point of finishing the last page and turning right back to the first, but close.

        I used to reread _Pride and Prejudice_ and _Jane Eyre_ every summer, but once I was out of school that tapered off.

    19. Sloanicota*

      A Christmas Carol is actually kind of a banger that I reread every year (it’s short) and always enjoy. Outside Christmas, Austen and Jane Eyre. I guess that sounds snooty and pretentious because those books are old, but it’s not like they’re especially challenging to read or anything – they’re essentially love stories (ish, for Jane Eyre) and I first read them when I was 14-15 so they’re nostalgic for me. I reread them most years. It’s been interesting that I used to love Pride and Prejudice the most, and it is still great of course, but now that I’m older I’m more drawn to Persuasion and Mansfield Park, two that I think are a bit sadder / wiser.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I love Mansfield Park: it captures an unhappy family dynamic and the challenges of being a shy personality so very well.

    20. Lifelong student*

      Anything and everything by James Michner and Edward Rutherfurd. Ray Bradbury, Ken Follet, Jeffrey Archer, and a few others whose actual names escape me now- but I know which shelf they are on at the library!

    21. Wordnerd*

      I reread (sometimes listen to an excellent audiobook version) Watership Down once a year. Just never get tired of it.

        1. Wordnerd*

          Hi Isabel – I love the Ralph Cosham version, but it looks like it’s harder to find now than the Peter Capaldi version, at least in the US.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Husband adores Watership Down; I finally read it last year (bunny violence put me off for decades: DO NOT watch the original cartoon with no idea what you’re getting into!) and saw why. Such beautiful writing.

        1. Wordnerd*

          I’m so glad you were able to get past the trauma of the cartoon to engage with the writing! It’s tricky that so many people think it’s a children’s book because of the rabbits, and then bam, nightmares.

      3. Hlao-roo*

        As my username would suggest, Watership Down is one of my top books to reread :) I’m more on a once-every-two-years rereading schedule.

    22. Bike Walk Barb*

      In the discussion of the Little House books below I mentioned the racism I recognize now. I’m reluctant to go back and reread books I loved as a child, expecting that some are likely to have that same kind of content I couldn’t recognize then. I’d rather think of them fondly without specifics.

      Some I can count on, though. This question is reminding me I want to go back and reread the Earthsea trilogy and continue on, since I spotted another book in the series at a local bookstore that I didn’t know existed (The Other Wind). Ursula K. LeGuin was so far ahead of her time in expanding the worlds she described (e.g., gender in Left Hand of Darkness) and I don’t have to worry about being disappointed.

      I’ve also just learned that all the Earthsea books and short stories were collected in an illustrated volume. I’m tempted to get it, but at the same time my memory is very firmly tied to those paperback books with the light bluish covers. The physicality of the books is part of the experience. When I saw The Other Wind I didn’t buy it specifically because it’s a different size than those old paperbacks and it just felt wrong somehow.

      Thinking about this, I don’t own the books from my childhood I might want to reread other than LeGuin. Would it be the same if I checked them out from the library on my Kindle? I don’t know.

    23. GoryDetails*

      Lots of re-reads for me, from classics like Austen to the “Lord Peter” books and stories by Sayers. I adore the Discworld books too, with Hogfather, Guards! Guards!, and Witches Abroad being my favorite re-reads.

      I’m also very fond of classic British ghost stories, so my collections by M. R. James and E. F. Benson get re-read every year or two.

      And some of the great exploration/survival books, like Cherry-Garrard’s Worst Journey in the World or Joe Simpson’s Touching the Void… Yeah, lots of re-reads!

    24. Rage*

      The Murderbot Diaries
      The Books of the Raksura
      The Hyperion Cantos
      The Belgariad
      His Dark Materials
      Clan of the Cave Bear, et. al.
      Hobbit/LOTR

      Currently on Belgariad.

    25. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

      I have many, but the most regular are LOTR (currently re-reading), Harry Potter, Pride and Prejudice, and Sense and Sensibility. I also end up reading some childhood favorites like Ella Enchanted, The Phantom Tollbooth, and Redial fairly regularly.

        1. Clisby*

          My son and daughter LOVED Redwall (the books and the animations). For my son’s 6th birthday, we ordered a cake, icing illustrated with a sword, and “I Am That Is.”

    26. Angstrom*

      For the Christmas season, The Shepherd, by Fredrick Forsyth, Hogfather by Terry Pratchett, and often A Christmas Carol. We also make time to listen together to the Patrick Stewart audiobook of A Christmas Carol.

      Other old friends I enjoy revisiting include Wodehouse, Pratchett, Dick Francis and John McPhee. And Kipling — it’s fun to go back to The Jungle Books or some of his other stories.

    27. Chicago Anon*

      Pamela Dean’s Juniper, Gentian, Rosemary begins in the early fall, has a lot of Halloween and some Christmas. Fantasy set in Minneapolis. High school students, but not a lot of school shenanigans; more what kids do when they’re not at school. Setting is the mid-90s, I think (dial-up access to internet forums).

    29. Noquestionsplease*

      Something Wicked This Way Comes, every Halloween. Hobbit/LOTR about once a year. A couple of years ago I re-read The Dark Tower series, and realized I didn’t like Wolves of the Calla and Song of Susannah, so I skip those now, lol. The entire Earthsea series every couple of years. The Stand or Duma Key once a year or so. Next up is starting from the beginning with Inspector Gamache. That’s going to take me a long time. It will probably be a winter project!

      1. Noquestionsplease*

        Also Hunger Games, pretty frequently. My kid is reading Gregor the Overlander in school so I just read that series, which I liked a lot except for the ending. Suzanne Collins is writing another prequel Hunger Games book. I sincerely hope it’s better than Songbirds and Snakes, which was really disappointing.

    30. Chauncy Gardener*

      My Family and Other Animals by Gerald Durrell.
      I re-read the Little House series twice during the panini because it made me feel more centered and grounded.
      For some reason I re-read Chimneys and The Big Four by Agatha Christie periodically

        1. Jessica*

          that is a regular piece of slang that i see on this blog, though i’m not sure why or where it originated. maybe someone who uses it could explain?

          1. Hlao-roo*

            As far as I know, during early 2020 there was a website (I think reddit, but it might have been TikTok or something else) that wasn’t allowing posts with the word “pandemic.” My guess is to avoid misinformation and/or massive de-rails in conversations. People started using “panini” and “panorama” as stand-ins for “pandemic.” That practice bled over into other areas of the internet, like AAM.

          2. Zelda*

            I think it’s a combination of things: many sites had certain keywords censored, because they did not want to show up on searches for covid, pandemic, mask, etc., etc. (fear of commenters spreading misinformation and the site being held liable, or just a preference to stay clear of the whole topic). So there are some common workarounds, including using any word that starts with “pan-” in place of “pandemic.” Throw in some gallows humor (panini sounds like kind of a silly word to the American ear, nevermind that it’s perfectly good Italian), and you get this bit of slang.

    32. allathian*

      I’m pretty constantly rereading. A part of it is that I prefer books on paper, I want to own the books I read, and have zero patience to wait for books to become available at the library, and we’re also running out of shelf space for new books. But it also means that I tend to buy books I’m pretty sure I’ll like so I’m not an adventurous reader.

      I keep going back to my favorite Agatha Christie and Dick Francis books. I also regularly reread Anne McCaffrey’s Talent and Crystal Singer books, they’re less problematic than Pern. I also like The Ship Who Sang and The Ship Who Searched (with Mercedes Lackey) although I’m very meh on the books she co-wrote with Margaret Ball, S.M. Stirling, and Jody-Lynn Nye.

    33. Cardboard Marmalade*

      This is so timely, because I literally just finished listening to the audiobook of Katherine Addison’s The Goblin Emperor for what had to be the 10th time at least (and I only read it for the first time in ~2019, so that’s an average of twice a year). I love it so much it’s always hard to not just start from the beginning again as soon as it finishes, but I don’t want to wear it out and get bored of it.

    34. Clumsy Ninja*

      Pride and Prejudice, Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Rizzoli & Isles series by Tess Gerritsen, several Dick Francis books (the ones about Kit Fielding and Sid Halley in particular, but there’s a few others I loved), Lady of No Man’s Land by Jeanne Williams, Last of the Breed and the Walking Drum by Louis L’Amour (along with his short story collections), the short story collections of Sister Fidelma by Peter Tremayne, the short stories from Dorothy L Sayers…..I know there are others I’m currently blanking on. What’s on my shelves at home tends to be books that I liked enough to reread.

    35. carcinization*

      I used to re-read Lamb’s She’s Come Undone quite a bit. This was probably decades ago but I still remember so much of it now. I don’t re-read things much now; the only things I remember re-reading over the past 10 years are Brust’s Vlad Taltos series, and Crowley’s Little, Big. But it’s quite likely that I’m forgetting something obvious.

    1. Ochre*

      Ugh! I’m tagging on to your thread to ask if anyone knows how to turn off the AI results at the top of Google search results (Chrome browser, both on an Android phone that I’m logged into and also on various work computers where I’m not logged in to my Google account). I’m gonna admit I haven’t really investigated so it it’s easy and obvious, I apologize!

      1. Catagorical*

        Try udm14.com/

        Someone here posted it. It’s Google’s pre ai search. There an explainer on the site page.

        1. El señor Pizote*

          Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. Just did this on Firefox on my phone and it worked, no more AI, yay!

      4. RagingADHD*

        I don’t think you can turn them off, but across the top where you have the filters like Images, Videos, News, etc, there is one called Web.

        That will give you a page of just text links with no AI summary.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I’m really so confused why all these tech companies are literally forcing AI on users that don’t want them / value them. I don’t pay a dime for AI and yet it’s being loaded into basically every product I use for seemingly no benefit to anyone. That makes me suspicious :(

      1. Excel Gardener*

        It’s because there is intense groupthink in Silicon Valley and Wall St. about generative AI. They have convinced themselves that LLMs are the future of tech and that if they don’t start integrating them now they’ll be left behind. They’re terrified of being the 2024 version of Steve Ballmer laughing off the iPhone in 2007. Thus there is not as much room as there should be for skeptical or cautious takes on LLM-driven products in these circles, even though these products often don’t live up to the hype and aren’t profitable.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Learned this morning that thesaurus dot com now uses an AI, so if you ask it for synonyms for “decaf” it will offer up “coffee” and “java.”

        Thesauri already exist? You just need to load in the content, like you would a dictionary?

        Adobe also keeps threatening me with an AI assistant.

    3. Bike Walk Barb*

      In this vein, I learned yesterday that LinkedIn now has a setting for sharing your data with AI under Settings/Data Privacy. They added it and toggled it to ON without any notice to users.

  18. Moose*

    When I first read The House in the Cerulean Sea idk why, but I did not enjoy it at all. For me, the vibes were bad. And then I found out that it was inspired by the 60’s Scoop and kinda felt that maybe that’s what I was picking up on. I am curious to try the new one and see how I feel about it. Maybe the vibes will be better in it!

    1. Chaordic One*

      I didn’t care for it that much either. I felt like it was one of those books that I “should” like, but for some reason just didn’t. I hadn’t heard about the 60’s Scoop being an inspiration for the story (I wouldn’t have thought to have made the connection) but that does make sense. I enjoyed the recent TV miniseries, “Little Bird,” which was factually based on the 60’s Scoop, even though it was very sad.

    3. Forensic13*

      I didn’t like that the book abruptly made a happy end out of something that felt very real and ugly and sad. I’m all for happy endings for queer and/or outcast people. But it felt like a slap in the face for that happy ending to be “and then everyone was magically cured of their comically loud racism and bigotry and they were very nice after all the end.”

    4. Kate*

      THANK YOU! I also found the “vibes” really bad, and generally imagined the whole scene as really dark, but everyone seems to think of it as this happy, cheery, soul-affirming book, and I am like “huh?”

      Thank you for putting words to it! You described it better than I ever did.

    5. Teapot Translator*

      Wait, it’s been a while since I read the book, but you mean they were inspired by that horrible chapter in Canadian history to write a feel-good book about found family??? Ugh.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      I was thoroughly meh on it, didn’t love it, didn’t hate it. Not going to read the sequel.
      But I also hated The Night Circus everybody seem to love so much.

      1. tangerine dreams*

        The night circus was meh. I finished the book, but am not inspired to read the author again. You’re not alone.

    7. strawberry lemonade*

      I’m a hater of its whole subgenre unfortunately—call it “wholesome scifi/fantasy” maybe. TJ Klune, Becky Chambers, Erin Morgenstern are some exemplars of the genre.

      The books in this genre lead people to describe them as wholesome or like a warm hug. They set my teeth on edge and I am therefore simply a hater.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I do hate being labeled as a “hater” when I don’t particularly like something or someone. I usually just feel “meh” about them and don’t actively hate the thing or the person, but I don’t like them either.

      3. Forensic13*

        I agree! I think it’s because the characters end up feeling really flat to me because they end up sounding very similar. And it’s either completely low-stakes and boring, or actually not low-stakes but the characters are acting like it is and cracking wise while there’s murder happening all around them.

      4. Dark Macadamia*

        My first thought with Cerulean Sea was that it’s like a literary donut. It’s not bad, but it’s so sweet your teeth hurt and it has no real substance.

      6. allathian*

        Generally I dislike remakes on principle, but one of the few exceptions is Battlestar Galacica. The remake was dystopian, as was appropriate after Armageddon, but the original was far too cheerful and optimistic to be believable.

        I like reading cozy mysteries and cozy sci-fi/fantasy, but the stories need to be fairly low stakes to be cozy.

      7. Anonymous Cranky Bibliophile*

        I felt like…how to explain this…in the books I’ve read by both Klune and Chambers, they just tried too hard to be deep and meaningful and it had the opposite effect on me–it felt trite or shallow, and unsympathetic to the complexities of the real world. Psalm for the Wild Built just irritated me. Maybe I’m just an old crank.

      8. amoeba*

        Hah, yes, same here! It’s just too… in your face for me with the feel good philosophy. House in the cerulean sea was fine and I enjoyed most of it, but by the end I felt like I had overdosed on sugar. And Midnight Library I just found… trite and obvious? Guess I just need a certain level of snark to enjoy a story, hah.
        I did enjoy “Legends and Lattes” and its predecessor though!

    3. Somewhat crazy*

      Imagine having that conversation with your boss, like, “Hey, I had this really vivid dream that you were going to die yesterday, but like, you’re still here, so…”
      Even if the update is “he’s still alive”, I need it.

  20. LGP*

    Tips for staying awake during the day?
    I’m dealing with some health issues that are causing me serious fatigue. Several times a day, I find myself fighting to stay awake. I’m not looking for medical advice of course, but I’m wondering if anyone has recommendations for things that help them stay awake, like certain activities or foods maybe? (Unfortunately, I don’t like coffee.) Thanks for any advice you can offer!

    1. office hobbit*

      I’m afraid it’s all the standard stuff: if your health allows, stand up, move your arms/legs, stretch, go for a short walk or even just stand outside, walk around your house; drink cool beverages, splash some water on your face especially around your eyes; listen to upbeat music. Sometimes I sit in atypical positions and talk to myself as I’m working. Certain ambient noise videos may help but others put me to sleep, so ymmv. Same with things like zoo or wildlife webcams playing in a corner of my screen. My food suggestions veer too close to medical advice, but basically pay attention to what snacks perk you up without leaving you in a crash shortly after. If caffeine is allowed, tea or other non-coffee options.

      Good luck! This is really frustrating.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I was going to say, ok you don’t like coffee but there is a whole industry of caffeine products and some of my friends swear by them, if you wanted to try more options. There’s like little shot-type drinks and ones that are more like seltzers or fruit juices or tealike options.

        1. office hobbit*

          For real! Like OP I can’t drink coffee, but 3-4 cups of tea over the morning keeps me awake. I’m a zombie without it.

    2. My oh my*

      Staying cold really helps. Not sure how you would control that – maybe don’t drink warm things, take off your sweater, buy a small fan?

      1. Stinky Socks*

        This. And if it’s not going to be totally weird, any sort of cool pack on your eyes for a few minutes might help. I find a decent chunk of my midday fatigue is really eye fatigue and the cool is lovely.

    3. Chaordic One*

      Staying hydrated. If you can tolerate them, try a sports a drink such as Gatorade. Food-wise you might try snacking on fruit (oranges, apples, grapes, peaches, berries…).

      1. RLC*

        Second this, hydration and fresh air too. Years ago I discovered that super-strong cinnamon candy helped me stay awake. Not for everyone, and can cause mouth blisters if consumed in excess!

    4. StudentA*

      Talking to a friend on the phone during the day sometimes helps me. It’s uplifting. We laugh, etc. If the friend is a go getter, even better. Hearing what they’ve been up to and just talking to someone who cares perks me up.

    5. Six Feldspar*

      Ymmv, but what works for me:
      – waking up naturally where possible, I have a sunlamp alarm clock and it’s been an absolute game changer and lifesaver to wake up (I also have two alarms for backup)
      – getting as much natural light as possible, especially when I get up (daylight helps the body regulate its wake up/sleep chemicals)
      – fresh air
      – stretch breaks or walks
      – keeping hydrated, especially cool water
      – sharp or spicy foods (breath mints, crystallised ginger, food with chillis or spice)
      – arranging my meals so that most of the carbs are in the evening because I get sleepy afterwards, while most of the protein/fruit/vegetables are during the day

      From the other end of things, there’s keeping a regular bedtime and staying in bed with your eyes shut even if you’re waking up – MythBusters did an episode and found this was still helpful even if you don’t actually sleep.

      Depending on how new/frequent/regular your fatigue is, your body may adapt to it over time. Hope it works out soon!

    6. Cordelia*

      when I used to work night shifts and things got quiet I’d get sleepy, it was fine when I was busy. Walking around, in the fresh air if at all possible, was what kept me awake. If you can’t go anywhere, try jumping up and down? playing music and dancing?
      Talking to people helped, reading didn’t.
      Unfortunately, trying not to get warm and comfy.
      Of course working a night shift is different to your situation, but that’s what helped me

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      1) Natural sunlight. Get outside, and it tells your body that now is awake time.
      2) They sell hats that operate on a similar principle; those with SAD have reported good results for plopping the hat on as they’re getting ready in the morning, which works out to an hour of light exposure.
      3) Light exercise–stretching, a walk, dance to 5 minutes of music. The change of view on the walk option can really help.
      4) Treat food as a signal to your body about what time it is. (Oldest worked this out when dealing with a lot of international travel.)

    8. ctrl-alt-delicious*

      I’ve started using the NYT mini puzzles as a way to wake up and refocus my brain. It’s good for when I just want to do nothing and go to sleep because it’s a short time commitment, but I often feel more willing to do things after finishing one.

    10. Makare*

      Sometimes eating crunchy fresh foods like carrots, apples or celery helps me wake up. Weirdly, I’ve found chewing gum also helps when I can’t keep my eyes open? I’m also not a coffee drinker, I drink black tea (with milk and honey) instead for my caffeine boost. Iced tea can be good for when you want something cold and refreshing.

    12. Zweisatz*

      You can try upping your proteine. I struggle(d) with fatigue as well and that was a recommendation from my nutritionist. At least 0.8 g per kg body weight per day is the lower boundary that the German authority on food stuffs recommends. My nutritionist said 0.8 to 1.0 g.

  21. The Prettiest Curse*

    We talk a lot about podcasts here, but usually as a whole series or ongoing podcast. I’m wondering which individual podcast episodes have really stuck in your mind, for any reason. (For being great, for being terrible or for using the medium in an unusual or unique way.)

    I have a few which I’ll post later on, but as an avid podcast listener, I’m really interested in what others have found memorable.

    1. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I love Song Exploder, because the deep dive in how songs are made can deepen my bond with music I already loved, or spark an instant connection with tracks that are new to me. I could mention lots of examples (I will if anyone is interested).

      The episode on “Seventeen” by Sharon Van Etten untangled a verse I hadn’t quite captured before, and it turns out it’s such a powerful truth about growing up, it makes me tear up a little every time now.

      The one about “Fire” by Waxahatchee brought me lyrics that became a mantra at a low point with my mental health. Learning that the “you” in the song is a past self made it instantly relatable. I think that song made it into my Spotify Wrapped the year I found it :)

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I was just thinking this morning that I should listen to the Song Exploder episode on Seventeen! I love that song.

    2. The Prettiest Curse*

      A few episodes that were memorable for me:
      Black Box, episode 5 – “The White Mask”
      On the perils of mindlessly using facial recognition in law enforcement.

      Decoder Ring – “The Stowe-Byron Controversy” – February 3, 2020
      How a dispute between Lord Byron and Harriet Beecher Stowe nearly destroyed The Atlantic Monthly magazine.

      Criminal, episode 151 “- The Many Lives of Michael Malloy” – November 6, 2020
      A group of idiots try to murder someone for money. It doesn’t go according to plan.

      Two episodes from The Guardian’s Today in Focus podcast:
      – The destruction of Derna, 20th September 2023
      https://www.theguardian.com/news/audio/2023/sep/20/the-destruction-of-derna-podcast
      A year ago, the city of Derna in Libya was essentially destroyed by a huge flood that kiled thousands of people, a story which hasn’t received much international coverage. This episode really stayed with me because the local journalist they interviewed was so passionate about his love for his city and the horror of the destruction.

      – The mother who forgave her daughters’ killer – but not the police, 26th July 2024
      https://www.theguardian.com/news/audio/2024/jul/26/the-mother-who-forgave-her-daughters-killer-but-not-the-police-podcast
      An interview with the incredible Mina Smallman. Two of her three daughters were murdered in 2021, and she discusses her daughters, her life, the racism that she has had to contend with from the police and from society in general – and love, healing and forgiveness.

    3. Pharmgirl*

      On a serious topic – “Who do we think we are?” (This American Life) A woman talks about her experience having undergone FGM as a child. Her story really stuck with me, it’s been 8 years since I first listened to this episode and I can still remember it.

      On a lighter note, I found Timothy Olyphant’s first interview on “Conan Needs a Friend” pretty funny and entertaining.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        There was a *This American Life* episode about a young man who had learned as a child that being really scary could be effective. He got picked up hitchhiking by a guy who gave him bad vibes but managed to get out of the situation before it turned bad. He later realized the guy was probably John Wayne Gacy, and he’d escaped being another victim of a serial killer.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

          And another *This American Life* about the musicians in Afghanistan who hadn’t been allowed to play or listen to music for years during the first Taliban era. After the U.S. invasion, they were able to get together and play as an orchestra, and they just wouldn’t stop. Individual players might take a short break, but the orchestra as a whole just kept playing and playing and playing all night because no one wanted to stop. That episode made me cry. And I feel awful for all of them who are now in the same position and not allowed to play music again.

    4. Anon for this*

      There’s an Israeli podcast I listen to where the hosts talked about a book series chapter by chapter. So hardly what you’d consider “heavy” or “important”. When the war broke out they recorded a few “emergency” episodes which I initially thought was a strange idea, like “no correlation”, but I ended up listening and it was very cathartic at a very traumatizing time. They acknowledged that it wasn’t much but no one knew what to do so if they could help a few listeners, they wanted to do that. So those episodes I would say definitely stuck in my mind.

    5. fposte*

      There’s a now-finished British podcast called Cuddle Club, started on a bet by wild card comedian Lou Sanders, that is often slight and trivial but sometimes gets into interesting conversations about intimacy.

      And there is an episode that makes me cry to recall, featuring comedian Sindhu Vee, about her young relationship with her Nepalese nanny, who was her closest family member, and whom Sindhu called Amah, which means mother.

    6. mreasy*

      The episodes of If Books Could Kill on ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ (rereleased recently for obvious reasons) and ‘Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus’ are both tremendously eye-opening (and hilarious of course).

    7. Jamie Starr*

      All There Is (Anderson Cooper’s podcast about grief) – the episode with Stephen Colbert. I think it might be the first episode of S1.

    8. Angstrom*

      From This Is Love: Something Large and Wild, about swimming with a lost baby whale, and My Penny, about a man who experienced total memory loss.

      From Criminal: The Unknown Woman, about the person who became the face of the Recusi-Annie CPR mannequin, and The Feather Lady, about a forensic ornithologist.

    9. Anon Poster*

      I will always take the opportunity to recommend the “Survival in the Andes” episode of You’re Wrong About.

      I also just listened to Throughline’s “We the People” episode on the third amendment. Interesting and terrifying and upsetting to hear ways that amendment has been violated in the past, with no one really doing anything about it. Also interesting and terrifying to hear what courts believe qualifies as a violation, and what they *don’t* consider to be a violation.

    10. Jackalope*

      I’ve mentioned before that I really enjoy Critical Role, which is a live-play D&D podcast. In season 1, episodes 18 and 19 (The Trial of the Take episodes 1 & 2) have half the cast on a quest to find and slay a white dragon. I’ve always loved this 2-part adventure, and unlike most episodes these two are a small individual story. (I strongly dislike Trial of the Take 3 & 4, however, and wouldn’t recommend them.)

    11. Tea & Sympathy*

      A radio lab episode on aphantasia. They talk about aphantasia in general and also the connection to mental illnesses like schizophrenia, ptsd and anxiety. I hadn’t realized that not everyone sees images when they close their eyes, and was so interested in the podcast that I asked a few people what they saw. But I stopped because the two people I found who didn’t see anything hadn’t realized that others see images, and were sad about it. The podcast does a good job of explaining that this can be a double-edged sword, but I couldn’t convey that as well.

      1. Donkey Hotey*

        For me, it was a relief to know that I wasn’t alone. I spent a very long time with people who had very vivid imaginations and I always felt stupid because I couldn’t see what they were seeing.

    12. SBT*

      I love listening to Criminal, but episode #95, The Job, has stuck with me years later. It tells the story of what it’s like for the staff who have to carry out executions of inmates on death row. I never had a strong opinion on the death penalty prior to listening (although if you’d told me to pick a side, I would’ve said we should get rid of it), but after listening, I’m staunchly against it.

      I think the rationale a lot of people give for abolishing the death penalty centers on the convicted individual (and there’s plenty of good reasons that should center them!). But I hadn’t ever considered what we’re asking innocent people to do when they have to carry out such a heavy task. It was eye-opening.

  22. GDB*

    What’s something you do around the house that you know would make your spouse/significant other/housemate(s) crazy if they knew?

    My husband hates spiders. And here in Seattle, it’s spider season. So any time he sees a spider in the house, it’s my job to take it outside or kill it. I don’t kill them if I can help it. And house spiders likely won’t survive outside (it’s in their name…) So I catch the little creature just looking for love, and as I head outside I release it somewhere in the house where it’s less likely to be seen.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I just did this to my kids but unintentionally! There was a tiny spider on the windowsill and I scooped it onto a piece of paper, but by the time I got to the door I couldn’t find it so I just pretended to have put it outside

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      When melting butter for a dessert and transferring it into the bowl, I sometimes scrape it out of the pan with a metal spoon instead of a wood or kitchen utensil. If I’m already using the metal spoon to mix other ingredients, I don’t want to get another utensil dirty. But it’s barely scraping! I get every last drop of butter out by very gently swiping the spoon on the pan, because if Partner hears the sound, the scolding will be relentless.

      Look. My mother, who is a very special breed of fussy with all housework, scrapes pans with metal spoons All. The. Time. All her pans are in mint condition, including ones that are older than me, and so is the pan I use for butter. If it’s good enough for her, it’s good enough for me.

      Last Christmas, we hosted our parents, and my mother made bechamel sauce for a dish. Partner walked in right as she was getting it out of the saucepan with a metal spoon, and oh, the “this doesn’t fly in my kitchen” look he gave me! I found it hilarious – that I instantly knew what he was on about, while my mother went on obliviously doing this thing she’s done all her life, and there was no point correcting her so late in the task.

      1. Reba*

        Wait, is this like a widely known thing we are not supposed to do? Only talking about non-stick pans, or no? I am perplexed. What’s the word on whisking then?

        1. Annie*

          The “no metal utensils” rule only applies to older non-stick pans made from Teflon AKA PFOA/PTFE.

          Newer non-stick pans have different coatings that are supposed to be safer if/when (in my house it’s when) they scratch or flake off. Some of them are also designed to stand up to metal utensils, but they still have special care requirements, i.e. no hard scouring, hand wash only.

          For whisking, it’s no more risky than other utensils. My only stipulation is to stay away from the ones that have the rubber/rubber-like coating on the wires, AKA silicone whisks, especially at the lower price ranges. They’re presented as this “best of both worlds” product that’s non-stick safe, but the few I’ve tried either had too-thin wires that broke apart in the silicone or silicone that broke off into whatever I was preparing after no more than a few dozen uses.

    3. fposte*

      This reminds me of when I was a camp counselor and a freaked out kid would shake a loose tick off. I’d always pounce on a bare bit of floor and say “Got it!” and fling the nothingness carefully out the door.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      We release them in the hallway (apartment.) Yes, don’t put house spiders outside!

      I do things like just rinse the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher (IT WASHES DISHES, THAT IS ITS JOB) instead of full on washing them. Husband acts like a trace of tomato sauce or one crumb is going to jam the whole thing. I don’t do like they do in ads and stick filthy, encrusted casserole dishes in there; just expect a dishwasher to do its job!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Please come talk to my husband. We have the same battle. I’ve shown him studies that prove dishwashers need a bit of residue on the dishes to work properly, but it’s like talking to a wall.

  23. AvonLady Barksdale*

    It’s 430am where I live and I am wiiiide awake. Combination of very bad jet lag (we got back last night from a two-week trip to Japan) and general anxiety. I took a low dose of Ativan and it didn’t do much; I probably drifted off for about 90 minutes max. I don’t sleep well in the best of times, but usually I can get more than a few hours. Any tips that have worked for you in the past? Looking not just for jet lag help but for insomnia. I saw a recommendation for a book by a guy named Daniel Erichsen and I might start there. I know some people swear by melatonin but I have also heard some not-great things about nightmares. I’ve used the Calm app in the past but my anxiety has ramped up pretty high in the last couple of months so it’s not really working.

    Part of the issue is, I think, that my bedroom doesn’t feel right. It’s painted dark– we rent and that color came with the room. I actually love the color but I’m finding the room feels very small to me. I convinced my partner to switch sides on the bed to the sides we used to use, and that meant being able to see the door, which helped. Our last apartment had a bedroom about the same size but it was much brighter– bigger windows, faced south, light walls. I’m going to move a cheap wall mirror from my office to the bedroom to see if I can get some light to reflect better. I plan to devote most of my weekend to hanging pictures (which we still haven’t done much of– moved in last month and then went away for two weeks), so hopefully that will help, and maybe I should change the bulb on the ceiling fan fixture? It’s too warm for my tastes.

    So that’s the second question: what has worked for you to brighten up a dark room? Lamps? Mirrors? Specific shades of lighting?

    1. Sloanicota*

      Weirdly, when I moved in to my (old) house, I noticed all the ceilings were painted in white gloss or at least a very shiny semigloss, and when I asked my handyman about this he said it’s a way to make small rooms seem bigger by reflecting more light, and I actually do think it works for that. I like a dark cave of a bedroom at night though.

    2. TheBeanMovesOn*

      Sometimes I play a podcast at really low volume. Other times I “photoshop” cows in my mind. Rotate them, stretch them put them in weird backgrounds. Who knows why that works.

    3. Puffle*

      My living room used to feel very dark and dingy (small window, north-facing, small-ish room)

      For me a standing lamp in the darkest corner along with a few table lamps scattered around really made a difference, along with some bright, light coloured soft furnishings (cushions, curtains) and a plant (can’t explain why the plant helps- perhaps because it’s a touch of fresh natural colour?)

      I try to use warm lighting shades as well, instead of stark white, and light-coloured lampshades

      I think hanging up your pictures will make a difference, and definitely worth trying a different lightbulb shade- my local hardware store has a lighting display where you can see what different bulb shades look like switched on, might be worth seeing if your local store has something similar?

      Good luck!

    4. Ochre*

      I don’t have insomnia but on nights I’m having trouble falling asleep the thing that sometimes works is doing very boring math in my head, like pick a number near 1000 and subtract 7, then do it again and again while narrating it to myself the whole time “849 minus seven is 842. 842 minus seven is 835.” Can’t skip ahead. I think it takes just enough focus that it shuts down some of the background brain chatter. When the chatter breaks through I remind myself to get back to the numbers. Often I get so bored (for lack of a better word) that I’m able to fall asleep.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I play similar games, but not being math-y they are word games. They have to be *just* engaging enough to drown out the chatter but not so much that they keep me awake. Recite the alphabet backwards, name every state (alphabetically if getting to 50 is easy for you), name 20 birds/50 animals that begin with P or 10 mammals that begin with L, try to think of a word that rhymes in every letter of the alphabet … yawn … zzz

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I sing One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall. Seriously. Keeping track of the bottles helps me turn off the random scraps of dialogue or music lyrics my brain loves to latch onto and play for days on end.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      Maybe you can find some peel-and-stick wallpaper in a light color (shouldn’t mess up the paint) and make a pretty lighter accent wall somewhere that feels right to you? I think you’re on to something that getting better Feng shui in your bedroom will probably help. Good luck!

      1. Dancing Otter*

        I was coming to suggest peelable wallpaper or a tapestry/mural to hang on one wall.

        But have you talked to your landlord? Rental units usually have boring light walls – “contractor beige”.

        1. allathian*

          Or painter’s white, that’s white with a tiny bit of black mixed in so it doesn’t jump at you the way a bright white would.

          One of my friends is a chemical engineer. Now she’s the plant manager of a paint factory, but she started her career mixing paints and creating new shades in the lab, and she says that she absolutely can’t tolerate painter’s white on her walls because it looks like a dingy gray to her.

    6. Texan In Exile*

      Melatonin makes me feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. I have tried it twice and never again.

      I have found that edibles help. But don’t eat the whole thing! My first time, I ate the whole gummy and I was dizzy and nauseated and I hated it. I need about 1/3 of a 5 mg gummy.

      1. Clisby*

        I’ve tried melatonin twice, for bouts of sleep problems. It never had any effect at all – bad or good – as far as I could tell, so I’ve given up on it. Benadryl all the way.

    7. My Brain is Exploding*

      OK, this may be the weirdest one. I name chickens. A is for Abby, then Abby, Biddy, then Abby, Biddy, Celia. Each time adding another name but reciting up to that name. I don’t have a set list of names I use. Also, if I think I’ve been awake too long, I get up and iron.

    8. Birdy*

      If repainting is not an option, maybe you could get a couple sets of floor to ceiling, light colored curtains, and get an oversized curtain rod so they extend past the window – I’m picturing sort of a makeshift accent wall. Perhaps some light-colored accent rugs as well?

      As far as sleep – I really dislike melatonin, it makes me feel strange and floaty as I fall asleep and I always feel groggy in the morning even with a low dose. It works great for my husband though. I think you just won’t know until you try it. My go to is just to move to a different sleeping location. When I can’t sleep in bed, switching to the couch is usually enough of a reset that I fall asleep. When I was younger I would just rotate my head to the foot of my bed but that doesn’t really work in a shared bed…

    9. Anono-me*

      Huge sheets of high end plywood sheets stained beautiful light colors. Hang them the tall way at regular intervals along the wall. Mount wall sconces or hang artwork in the center of every or every other sheet.

      I saw this in a magazine somewhere and now want to do it in my 70s dark paneling basement.

    10. SofiaDeo*

      If you are getting nightmares from melatonin, likely the dose is too high for you. I worked midnights, 7 on 7 off for a number of years & it helped me. So when I started consulting, and was coming from the West Coast back home on the East Coast, I knew what worked for me. The trick is, start low & titrate up. It probably will take several trips/time adjustments to find the dose that works best for you.

      1. Makare*

        Yep! I used to use melatonin allll the time but it did start giving me stressful dreams when I was taking it every night. Now I only use it occasionally, but generally only take half a tablet when I do. I’ve been taking magnesium at night instead, which works great but it seems to have a similar effect, so I take a half tablet and sleep peacefully.

    11. Observer*

      bulb on the ceiling fan fixture? It’s too warm for my tastes.

      That’s not a bad idea.

      what has worked for you to brighten up a dark room? Lamps?

      Well placed lamps can to wonders. Also, see if you can cover one wall with a lighter wall covering.

  25. Teapot Translator*

    I need help finding recipes for salads that are full meals. I’m looking for recipes that can be prepared on Sundays (except for the dressing) for the whole week (or at least four days). Or where I can prep the individual ingredients and quickly assemble each day over the week. Vegetables should feature prominently because I’m trying to add salad meals to reach my 5 a day goal. Thank you!

    1. tangerine dreams*

      My fav filling salad: 1/2-2/3 cup white beans, chopped up: tomato, cuke, pepper. Then add cheese cubes (preferably feta). It’s greek-esque, but the beans make it very filling. I guess that’s only 3 veg. Add: artichoke hearts and roasted eggplants and zucchini.

      1. Lala*

        do you roast those yourself or buy them? that sounds like something that I’d like to make, and not dissimilar to some things I already do. but I’m always concerned about sodium content. I buy low sodium products, but certain things I haven’t been able to find low sodium equivalent of certain items (artichokes).

        1. tangerine dreams*

          I roast myself. I’m too cheap/poor to buy already roasted! I’d buy canned artichokes, though, because the fresh ones are too expensive where I live. If you’re worried about the sodium in feta, you can just add a spoonful, all crumbled, or sub with a different cheese, if that works for you. I do find the fat in the cheese helpful, but if all cheese is a no-go, maybe just add some olive oil?

          Another variation on the theme: lots of roasted veggies, (carrots, parsnips, cauliflower, sweet potato) with some beans and cheese. I wouldn’t pick feta for this one, I’d pick a mozz or a cheddar. It’s not very crunchy, so it depends what you like in a salad.

    2. Maryn*

      We like Salmon Panzanella, which you can prepare ahead of time, adding the croutons just before serving.

      6.5 dense white bread, ciabatta bread or white baguette, which is 1/2 to 2/3 of a loaf
      5 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil, divided (or less)
      Kosher or sea salt to taste
      2 tablespoons white wine or apple cider vinegar
      1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
      Freshly ground black pepper to taste
      1 pound skinless salmon filets (any number of pieces to equal 1 pound) or shrimp
      1 pint cherry or grape tomatoes, halved (mixed colors look especially pretty)
      1 ⁄ 4 cup minced red onion (one slice)
      1 avocado, diced (optional)
      2 tablespoons basil oil (Optional; see Note)

      Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Tear or cut the bread into large chunks, about 1 1/2-inches in the largest direction. If you have someone helping in the kitchen, this is the job for them.

      Place them in a clean plastic bag and drizzle with about 2 tablespoons of the olive oil. Toss them to distribute the oil, then spread them out on a foil covered baking sheet with a rim (like a cookie sheet) and sprinkle with salt. Bake for 5 to 7 minutes, until the bread starts to brown at the edges. Stir half-way through to minimize the risk of the bottom burning. (Season the oil if you like: ½ tsp garlic granules, ½ tsp. sea salt, ¼ tsp. pepper.)

      While the bread is in the oven, wash then cut the cherry or grape tomatoes in half from the stem end to the bottom. This is also a helper job, impossible to do wrong.

      Meanwhile combine the remaining 3 tablespoons olive oil (or less; 1.5 to 2 seems adequate), the mustard, vinegar or wine, and salt and pepper in a small bowl and stir to blend well. Do the oil first, then the mustard will slip right off the spoon.

      Remove the bread from the oven, transfer to a large bowl, and keep the oven on. Note: Do not mix the cherry tomatoes, onion, or anything else with the bread now.

      Place the salmon filets on the baking sheet, skin side down if it has a skin, on the same foil. Drizzle about half of the oil mixture over them, using a brush or the back of a spoon to distribute it evenly. Roast for about 20 minutes, until cooked through. Remove and let cool slightly. If your salmon has skin, it will pull free easily once it’s fully cooked as long as it remains warm. It may stick to the foil, which makes it even easier.

      Use your fingers or a fork to pull the salmon apart into large chunks. Add the halved tomatoes, onions and the warm salmon chunks to a bowl, drizzle the rest of the dressing over them, and gently toss to combine. Drizzle the basil oil over the salad if you’re using it. Here’s where you can choose to store it for a few days.

      Just before serving, stir in the toasted piece of bread. Serve chilled or at room temperature.

      Note: To make basil oil, place 1 ⁄ 2 cup fresh basil, 2 tablespoons flat-leaf parsley leaves, 1 ⁄ 4 teaspoon minced garlic, 1 ⁄ 2 teaspoon lemon juice, and salt and pepper to taste in a food processor, and pulse

    3. Not A Manager*

      Salade nicoise. Separately prepare boiled red or yellow potatoes, crisp green beans, lettuce, and hard boiled eggs. These will all last for several days in the fridge. The dressing is a lemon vinaigrette with a lot of herbs in it. That will also last several days refrigerated in a glass jar. Use good quality canned tuna (I prefer it canned in oil).

      The salad also calls for chopped tomatoes, which I prefer to prep the same day as they don’t last well in the fridge, and sliced red onion which I omit.

      Garnish with nicoise olives if you can find them (I substitute chopped kalamata), capers, and anchovies. This is meant to be a composed salad, but it tastes just as good if it gets mixed up, so prep it however works for your commute.

      I add other veggies and leftovers as I have them. The salad works nicely with some canned white beans, cucumbers, cooked beets, crisp brussels sprouts, etc. You can use grilled salmon in place of the tuna, or even leftover chicken.

    4. Pigeon*

      I like to look up recipes for grain bowls and just swap things around. So instead of using rice or quinoa for a base, I use salad greens and then use a smaller portion of whatever grain on top.

    5. Zephy*

      Bean and grain salads can be dressed ahead of time and they only get better as the week goes on (to a certain point – I’ve never gotten sick or anything from a bean/grain salad on day 5-6-7, it just isn’t quite as vibrant past day 4).

      I have a Thai/Vietnamese noodle salad that I make, the base is either soba noodles (when I can find them) or whole-wheat spaghetti. Top with your favorite raw veg (shredded carrot, diced cucumber, sliced bell pepper, maybe thin-sliced mushrooms, edamame, scallions and/or thinly-sliced shallot or red onion), dress with peanut sauce (peanut butter, soy and/or fish sauce, sriracha for kick, garlic, ginger, maybe honey or brown sugar to taste). You can add your favorite animal protein if you like, but I find, especially when I remember to include the edamame, that it’s enough of a meal without it.

      Barley- and farro-based salads are endlessly flexible. Roasted squash and mushrooms over barley with some feta cheese and a drizzle of balsamic vinaigrette is very hearty and comforting even eaten cold.

    6. I love salads*

      The best part about salads, in my opinion, is that you don’t have to have a specific recipe! So my question would be: whatcha got in the fridge?

      More helpfully, here’s how my basic salad framework goes:
      Pick the following:
      1 grain/starch
      1 bean or other legume
      Oodles of veggies
      Some number of Special Toppings
      Optional cheese (or meat/fish for those who partake)
      1 dressing

      Examples:
      -Potatoes, lentils, steamed broccoli, shredded carrot, celery, pickles, feta, vinaigrette
      -Buckwheat/farro/quinoa/cooked grain, black beans, spring lettuce mix, cucumber, tomatoes, pepper, radishes, shredded parmesan, toasted sesame dressing
      -Croutons, red beans, lettuce, carrots, tomato, pepper, avocado, canned corn, marinated artichokes, Cesar dressing
      -Pasta, chickpeas, crunchy lettuce, pepper, cucumber, olives, artichokes, roasted beets, roasted peppers if you have them, parmesan, hummus-based vinaigrette
      -Buckwheat or similar, baby spinach, cheese, apples, walnuts, vinegar and olive oil

      Honestly, nine times out of ten I pick vinaigrette because it is my favorite. You can mix up the vinegar and olive oils, too, so it doesn’t get boring. The ratios are all “how much I feel like it”.

      As for preprepping: grains and roasted veggies can all be done ahead of time and keep in the fridge. Beans too, either dried and soaking overnight or canned and wash the night before. Some of the veggies are canned or can be done a day or two in advance. Tomatoes and avocado I would do fresh, though.

    8. Abigail*

      I follow the matrix style (1 green, 1 grain, protein) helpful sometimes.

      When I’m maxed out on brain space I like a recipe. I love the salads at What’s Gaby Cooking. If you go to the Bowl section there are a lot of options for green salads and grain salads/rice bowls.

      Another idea is the Pinch of Yum SOS series.

    9. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Adding a roasted veg can fancy up the salad considerably. This past week I made one with quinoa, roasted broccoli, red pepper, red onion (soaked in some lemon juice before adding to take off some of the bite/bad breathness), sunflower seeds, and feta. I just made a lemon-olive oil vinaigrette.

      I also do a black bean salad with cucumber, tomato and/or pepper, cilantro, red onion, and sweet potato that has been roasted with cumin and some smoked paprika, and usually a lime-juice based dressing.

  26. Room Colours*

    Room colours: if you love the colour in your bedroom or bathroom: what colour is it, and why do you love it so? Energizing? Calming? Good background to art?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve just finished redoing a large chunk of my upstairs (painting and new floors), as well as my downstairs powder room. (My actual main bedroom suite is about the only part we didn’t actually do, but I never spend any time in there so I don’t feel like it’s worth the hassle of clearing it out to paint and refloor just now.)

      Five years ago when I redid my kitchen, I painted it bright-ass turquoise – like one of those colors that could just be overwhelming by itself, but at least in my kitchen, you don’t see much of the wall behind the cabinets, so it’s more of an accent. So it’s turquoise walls, with bright white cabinets, and some red and orange accents, and it’s a very cheerful space.

      My craft room is a warm orange, which is one of my favorite colors and energizes me, and also looks amazing in the afternoon light that room gets. My guest room is a sort of bright-but-still-lightish green, which I think is very calming and pleasant. My storage-and-exercise space is a super cheerful and energetic red, almost the color of a Coke can, which actually came out way less garish than I had worried it would and is very happy. (All of these, barring the kitchen, are paired with light hickory flooring and white trim/baseboards, which probably helps calm down the “bigger” colors.)

      I asked for some advice here a few months back on the powder room, for ways to keep a small space from feeling cramped, and on that advice ended up painting the powder room a dark purple that’s just a shade or two lighter than eggplant, paired with white fixtures and the same light hickory flooring, and it’s fantastic.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          On Facebook I put together a picture collage of all five rooms I mentioned, once they were all done, and was like IT LOOKS LIKE A RAINBOW. I LIVE IN A RAINBOW. YAAAAAAAAY!!!

    3. Roland*

      My last bedroom (and living room) had a nice soft sage green which I loved. Very calming and non-intrusive.

    4. Sloanicota*

      I spent about six months picking out the perfect shade of grey-blue-green for the bedroom, I think it’s called something like copper patina. It’s so soothing, and light enough that it doesn’t make the space look small like brighter/more intense colors do for me. I love it with white trim and brass accents.

    5. Janne*

      My bedroom has one wall in a very sunny yellow. I like it because it makes the room feel very warm and sunny without being painfully bright! And it combines well with dark blue curtains and bedding.

    6. Mystery*

      Bedroom is a sagey/spa green (Benjamin Moore – October Mist). It is relaxing, suited to our old house, and a good background for nature inspired art.

      Powder room is a dark cobalt blue. , but has a bright white ceiling, good lighting, and a white washer/dryer so does not feel dark.

    7. Qwerty*

      I’m pretty attached to blue for some reasons, so I love having my bathroom being light blue. Usually the rest of my apartment has neutrally non-offensive wall color that I then use light blue for all my decorating. I think the color just resonates with me.

      A decade ago I used to live in a condo that had warm light gold walls that I loved. It felt sunny and happy and made me think of Tuscany. I often felt inspired to read or bake while day dreaming about Italy.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      My bedroom is a very light grey with blue undertones, which I find really airy and calming. It looks great with teal and turquoise bedding and other accents, which are my favorite colors.

      I did my craft room in a pale mint green and as soon as I finished I said “wait, this is the exact same color my bedroom was in high school” and both my husband and sister were like “um obviously yeah we thought you did that on purpose” lol.

    9. Ellis Bell*

      We painted our hallway Dulux polished pebble and it’s somehow cooling when it’s hot and warming when it’s cold. It changes colour throughout the day which keeps it interesting. Hallways are so difficult I think because you want the both airy and welcoming.

    10. Harlowe*

      Our bedroom is periwinkle. We have skylights, so it changes from purple to blue to purple as the day progresses and the shadows move. It’s peaceful yet dynamic.

      A secondary benefit that was a happy coincidence is that, as our black-and-white wedding collage above the bed has aged and faded, the photos have taken on a purple tint that looks amazing against the paint. I think it would be an unpleasant effect if the room had a warm tone.

      The color is called “Sapphire Hills” and the card was originally from WalMart, but we had it swatched for Behr paint.

    11. BlueWolf*

      For my bathroom I used Liveable Green from Sherwin Williams. Our house is surrounded by trees and I wanted to bring some of the green indoors, but I didn’t want something too in-your-face green if that makes sense. Our bathroom has a window and the color changes so much throughout the day. When the morning sun comes through the window it’s sort of a glowing yellow-green, but at night it takes on bluer tones. I find it to be a nice soothing green. Very liveable you might say ;)

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      Our bedroom is Italian Straw, a kind of mild yellow that is slightly warm. I find it very soothing and good in all seasons

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m in an apartment which was recently repainted from a warm yellow-white to a cool blue-white. Not gonna lie, I HATED that change at first; it felt cold and clinical. But I got used to it in a day or so and don’t mind it a bit now. It does make very good background for our pictures!

    14. SaraK*

      My house is over 100 years old so think high ceilings, plaster cornices, ceiling rosettes, picture railings, etc. I also have a lot of older furniture with dark wood and decorative elements. My bedroom is kind of a wedgewood plate colour palate; duck egg blue walls, creamy trim with the cornices painted in a very pale blue. I also tinted details in my ceiling rosette, picking out different elements in very pale pastels. I love it! It’s very calm and my art looks great against the blue walls. The rest of my house is variations of cream with red and green accents (feature walls, trim colours, soft furnishings, rugs) to match the stained glass in a few different doors so the bedroom stands out as very different.

  27. Keyboard Cowboy*

    What a coincidence! I’ve just been reading TJ Kline for the first time – he’s got brilliant work. I’m halfway through the Extraordinaries series and it’s so charming and funny, I’m addicted. Plus the audiobook recording is top notch!

  28. Emily of New Moon*

    What are some songs about people who are gender nonconforming or questioning, nonbinary, trans, or who identify as both male and female?

    3. Mystery*

      Rae Spoon has many on that theme and about growing up in rural Canada. In particular “Do Whatever the F*ck You Want”. Rae is an amazing musician. I first saw them at a music festival and arranged my whole weekend around every show they played.

      1. Emily of New Moon*

        Perfect- except that on Spotify it’s “do whatever the heck you want.” I wonder why it was censored.

    5. Anon Poster*

      If you’re not already familiar, ANOHNI’s 2005 album I Am a Bird Now (released under the project name Antony and the Johnsons at the time) is gorgeous.

    6. Forensic13*

      This might be too obvious, but the musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch is all about gender and body image concerns! It’s a rock opera set in the 80s about Hedwig, a singer who previously had a gender affirming surgery that unfortunately went badly. The results have left Hedwig struggling with body issues, on top of the 80s of course not being a particularly kind time to be gender nonconforming.

    8. Chaordic One*

      These might also be really obvious. “Lola,” released in 1970 by the Kinks might qualify, as would the song, ‘The Killing of Georgie” by Rod Stewart. (A mournful tribute to a friend and fan whose murder was never solved, it was released in 1976 and pretty gutsy for its time. Rod received a lot of backlash and was subject to some very mean-spirited gossip and rumors about his sexuality because of it. Also, “I Am What I Am,” from the broadway musical “La Cage aux Folles.”

    9. Pocket Mouse*

      “If I Were A Fish” by corook. “How Do You See Me” by Loamlands. A bunch of songs by Coyote Grace. , probably additional songs by the first two. Maybe “When I Was a Boy” by Dar Williams – it’s about the greater gender freedom of childhood, not quite the same as your question but it feels related.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I thought of “When I Was a Boy,” and wasn’t sure if I should mention it or not. It’s a great song and I love the unexpected (to me) twist at the end.

      1. Jamie Starr*

        I’m fairly certain that song was about Jane (Perry’s housemate) who was in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend.

  29. Sloanicota*

    What challenging thing did you push through this week? Any accomplishments you want to share? One of my challenges is dealing with tech things – I hate the privacy violations as well as the seemingly unnecessary extra steps – but I wanted to see a concert, so I pushed through the frustration of having to verify a phone number and download an app, even though I hated every minute, and ended up with the reward of seeing the thing I wanted to see. It was a good time and I’m so glad I went instead of staying home being grumpy. Anyone else got one?

    1. Emily of New Moon*

      The challenges that I pushed through this week were depression, inclement weather, and being locked out of my online account at work

      1. Shiny Penny*

        Well done. Sometimes doing even one dang thing seems like too much. (The tech disasters are a particularly rank flavor of frustration for me.) Good job pushing through!

    2. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I’ve been translating a sample from a novel, to apply for a programme that might have helped me take steps towards publication and a career change. I got rejected, which wasn’t unexpected, but still stung (I’m proud of my work despite the outcome).

      The challenge was to share the news with a more established translator who gave me lots of advice, and with the author of the book, who I know would love to see it published in English one day. It took me ages to craft a message, but I sent it and they were very supportive in their replies.

      …and now I have the extra challenge of keeping those lines of communication open, even though the rejection made my translating project a lot harder, and my impostor syndrome is yelling at me to just quit (I won’t!).

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        Good for you for keeping your mentor and the author in the loop and not giving up!

    3. AGD*

      Fantastic!

      I pushed through a busy week at Nonweekend Place in spite of a bad cold (work is busy, decided to just strap on an N95 and do it anyway). Also made a lot of phone calls once my voice was up for it.

    4. Anon for This One*

      Getting my MIL moved here to independent living from 450 miles away. Dealing with a communications provider who made it almost impossible to PAY HER BILL by phone. Having the phone provider CANCEL HER INSTALLATION (and all the people I spoke to said they could see it was cancelled, but boy, that was weird….) and trying to get it set up again (and, having been already assigned a phone number and passing it out to everyone in the home town, being told she’d get a different one). Honestly if I got paid by the hour for all the time I spent with that both before and after the move, I’d have made a LOT of money. We are all coming down with colds and just pushed thru to get her place so that she could spend the night there comfortably and maneuver around OK.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        You are being such a great daughter-in-law! I hope things get easier and that you all feel better soon.

        1. Anon for This One*

          Oh, thanks! This is a really difficult transition as she’d lived in the same house for 65 years. But she couldn’t do steps any more (and the washer/dryer/etc are in the basement), and didn’t drive much, and didn’t exercise like she wanted b/c of weather or uneven ground or not able to get to the fitness facility. She’s already been to some classes and met the breakfast ladies so we are hopeful!

    5. Double A*

      I got myself and my kids vaccinated in a timely manner (flu and Covid shots). It’s a 40 minute drive to the clinic, so it can be hard to make it work with a work schedule. And with how often the kids get sick it can be hard to find an opportunity that also works with work etc. But we’re all healthy this week, so I just took off work a little early and went and got it done.

    6. Shiny Penny*

      My front door deadbolt has been gradually seizing up over the past couple years. I usually never even remembered the entire issue until it loomed up out of the fog OMG THAT DEADBOLT as I was rushing to leave the house, barely on time for an appointment. I might remember it in the middle of the night, or in an oppressed moment of Listing All The Things, but usually it was ‘out of sight out of mind.”
      Anyway, you just needed to jimmy the key around a bit! No, a bit more! It still worked well enough! It works fine from the inside! Just wiggle the key more! Yeah. By July, I just started leaving out of the garage door, because THAT deadbolt still locks fine from the outside…
      But last Monday I was entertaining my Mom with this tale of disfunction (I’d just driven over to pick her up, so I could still remember the issue) and after she stopped laughing she texted a reminder to my phone.
      Only thanks to that, I remembered the issue when I had energy and time to address the project! And I fixed my deadbolt Wednesday!
      I swapped the deadbolt with one from a different exterior door (that never gets used and is therefore in pristine shape) that is of course keyed the same, so no extra headache trying to order a matching replacement. The most amazing thing of all is that I found the installation instruction sheet from when I bought and installed all the deadbolts nearly twenty years ago. It was in the garage in a box of “historical” owners manuals and appliance receipts, lol, right where it was supposed to be. Kinda awesome!

  30. StrayMom*

    Good morning. Could any of the authors in the group recommend a good outline to use for writing a novel? I’ve got some ideas from the beginning and the ending, but getting from point A to point B is bogging me down, and I’m thinking an outline will help. Any recommendations welcome!

    1. Maryn*

      It used to be free, and that’s when I got it, but I use Michael Hauge’s structure for screenplays, the steps typed into a spreadsheet that usually ends up being about 50 x 50. The basic steps don’t belong to him, so I feel okay sharing them, just not the extensive details and examples he now sells.

      Stage One: Hook and Set-up–first 10%
      After an opening to hook the reader, show what the Main Character’s day to day life is like for about 10% of your total word count, less if possible.
      Turning Point One: Opportunity–at 10%
      Give your MC a chance to do something that improves their life.
      Stage Two: New Situation–10% to 25%
      MC goes after the opportunity, adapts, learns
      Turning Point Two: Change of Plans–at 25%
      The opportunity morphs into a goal that’s necessary for the MC’s happiness, survival, etc. This is the core of what the book is about.
      Stage Three: Progress–25% to 50%
      Going after the goal has its challenges and may require creativity or allies, but MC’s doing well enough.
      Turning Point Three: All or Nothing–at 50%
      MC fully commits to goal, which means they cannot return to the life they once had.
      Stage Four: Difficulties and Higher Stakes–50% to 75%
      Going after that goal is harder. There are adversaries, stumbling blocks, faithless allies.
      Turning Point Four: Huge Setback–at 75%
      Something Awful happens and MC may not succeed unless they can overcome it.
      Stage Five: Final Push–75% to 90-99%
      MC finds extraordinary reserves and goes after goal with everything they’ve got.
      Turning Point Five: Climax–at 90-99%
      The Big Thing that means MC’s success or failure happens.
      Stage Six: Wrap It Up–90-99% to 100%
      Tie up loose ends, show the aftermath

      While this is not the only structure that works, of course, it can be applied to many genres from westerns to romance to war to erotica.

      Before I started using it, I, too, had a good beginning and a great ending in mind but could never connect them very well. This really helped me. I hope it does the same for you.

    2. Sloanicota*

      I’m a published author and my favorite is from Story Engineering my Larry Brooks. It’s a bit like Save the Cat but that one is a bit film-oriented to me. You don’t need to read the whole Brooks book (I actually dislike his “voice”) but I think his central spreadsheet is available as a standalone. I’ll google around and if I found it I’ll put the link in a reply.

    4. RagingADHD*

      The Snowflake Method for Novel Writing. There’s a book, but you can quickly get the whole concept from the original author’s blog, advancedfictionwriting dot com.

      I like that it is iterative and helps you write out and develop your theme and characters as well as plot structure.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      I really like Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird and Stephen King’s On Writing as general guides, and they both offer concrete steps for outlines, plot, and breaking through writer’s block.

      I especially like Lamott’s one-inch picture frame exercise: she uses a little picture frame as a device to “frame” an idea and concentrate on one piece at a time. All you write during the exercise is what fits into that one inch mental frame. It keeps stories from spinning off into endless feedback loops.

  31. Be the Change*

    Introverts of AAM, please give me your moral support for my choice not to accompany my much loved husband on a weekend trip to see his family, who we see every few weeks. I love them too, I just… need a minute. But I feel bad about it and I would like not to feel bad about it.

    1. tangerine dreams*

      My partner and I have never felt that we had to be a “unit” when visiting family. I will sometimes visit his, he will sometimes visit mine. but, it’s good on all sides to go alone. This isn’t even something to begin feeling guilty about. I’m not sure it’s even about being an introvert. I know I change the dynamic with him & his mom (of course I do!), so I see it as a chance for them to be “themselves” together.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      You see them every few weeks?!? You’re already being a super-duper in-law with that kind of typical schedule.

      Seriously, it is fine for you to schedule some “you time” when you get to be alone and regroup. You’ll be a happier, less-resentful spouse and in-law if you have recharged your own batteries as you need to do.

      And it’s okay for your husband to go bond with his family on his own now and then. Maybe they’ll get to enjoy some things that they might not do if you’re there.

      Try to let go of the “But what will they think?” worries. If his family is at all reasonable, they will not give you a hard time for taking the occasional weekend for yourself. If they’re not reasonable, well, it’s not your job to convince them to be otherwise. They’re allowed to be a tiny bit disappointed, but they are not allowed to be manipulative or try to guilt you into going there.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        You’re already being a super-duper in-law with that kind of typical schedule.

        That too. I think I met my MIL once in the 4 years my husband and I were together before she passed, and the only one of his siblings I’ve met more than twice is his literal twin brother who was my housemate for a couple months. Obviously he’s not terribly close with his family either, but even when he does get together with any of them, he goes somewhere to meet them, and I do not. Most of the time we see my parents, it’s because one or both of them has come to our house on a passing-through-town visit, and he generally sticks his head out of his man-cave long enough to say hi but otherwise I entertain them and he does his thing.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Nah, hundred percent supported. Even when the whole group gets along great, it’s sometimes nice to have a chance to get a smaller group together, especially when it’s a smaller part of the group that has literal lifetimes of shared experiences and in-jokes and whatever. (And that’s the case even if you’re extroverted!)

    4. Texan In Exile*

      1. Your husband is lovely to support your wish for time alone.
      2. His parents might like to see their child by himself.
      3. You absolutely are allowed to enjoy time alone! You need to recharge. It’s OK.

    5. Mystery*

      Fellow introvert on a combo vacation/visit family trip and I will be introverting today. Enjoy the alone time!

    6. Qwerty*

      Alone time is special! Enjoy your weekend to yourself!

      From the In-Law perspective – I love my BIL and want him at all family events because he’s truly one of us. I also enjoying getting to spend time with my sister when she’s solo.

      Seeing your in-laws every few weeks should make this easier for everyone. You see each other frequently and are known quantities. This isn’t missing the once-a-year chance to catch up. He might get questions this time around, but if you normalize that sometimes schedules don’t work out, it’ll be fine. I live 20min from my sister and see her every couple weeks – my BIL could just go upstairs and read a book / escape for alone time and no one would notice/care because we see so much of each other.

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      Also, when you ARE with your husband at his family’s house, it’s okay to build in a little introvert time for yourself. Get up early and go for a walk/run/bike ride. Make a coffee run or grocery run or takeout food run by yourself and bring provisions back for everyone. Play with the dog or cat instead of participating in a conversation all the time. Take a book and a chair and go sit outside and read for half an hour. Take a longer shower than usual. Offer to do the dishes after dinner and take your time doing them as you daydream. Whatever you need to do to keep yourself on an even keel is okay.

    8. Angstrom*

      Partner & I do a lot of things separately, and come back to each other refreshed and recharged. It’s a good relationship when you’re comfortable asking for what you want and happy to give your partner what they need.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        It makes for nice dinner conversation on trips: What did Mom do quietly near the AirBnB, and how was kids’ and dad’s epic bike adventure?

        1. Angstrom*

          Exactly! It’s easy to share and enjoy your partner’s happiness when you also did something that made you happy.

    9. Double A*

      Sometimes it’s really nice to see family without your partner. And it’s nice to see family members without their partners! It allows you to slip into an old dynamic which if it’s a good one of very comforting. I’d go so far as to say it’s unhealthy to literally never see you family without your partner.

      So no only should you not feel guilty, you should feel good about this and do it more often.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      We do this frequently, albeit with the excuse of physical limits for me. (So for the trip to be worth it for me, it needs to be more like a special gathering and less like occupying myself while spouse and brother discuss whether they should cut a hole in something–I can do that in my own home without moving.)

      You could go alternate months–an easier allocation of spoons.

      Basically I think the introvert explanation can land fine for “sometimes I’ll skip.” But when it tilts closer to all the time, people assume you don’t like them. So if you’ve given yourself permission to sometimes skip, I’d also be a little more mindful of ensuring the connection is still nurtured, just with higher quality in the lower quantity–like make sure you do check in with Cousin Edna about the new quilt, and listen to Uncle Fred’s bear story.

    11. Dark Macadamia*

      Please fully enjoy it so I can live vicariously through you lol, I love my inlaws but we just saw them recently and we’ve several had really busy weekends in a row. I don’t want to NOT visit them today but I will be mourning the alone time I could’ve had.

    12. Sloanicota*

      I think it’s great to give him some family time and remind him that dealing with his side of the family is his job! If you’re seeing them every few weeks, you’re totally fine. I don’t think this has to be introvert framed at all, sometimes we all just need a break.

    13. Harlowe*

      That is insanely frequent even if they were local, but you travel that often?!?! You are not being even a smidge unreasonable to need a break.

    14. Not A Manager*

      It’s so thoughtful of you to sacrifice a weekend with your husband so that his parents can have private time with him.

    16. goddessoftransitory*

      Unless this was some huge, preplanned event, like a wedding or big birthday and you bowed out last minute, absolutely do NOT worry about it. Most people won’t have a reaction beyond “too bad but we’ll see her next time!” And if they are going to have Big Huge Feelings about it, that’s a Them Problem.

    17. Boggy*

      I feel this and have had honest conversations with my husband and feel comfortable saying no to certain visits he has with family or things of interest to him I don’t share. Thankfully he is comfortable going alone to these events, and I do join him for most, but there are some that I. just. can’t. I love my alone time, especially because I have a customer facing job. I don’t feel guilty about it at all.

    18. Somewhat crazy*

      My dad used to drive around the block whenever my grandma would visit. He’d just sit and chill, and my grandparents didn’t even come that often!

    19. AvoidTheDrama*

      I totally support your choice, but in many families this would cause Drama(TM), so be prepared if that’s the case, especially if you sent him without you without discussing it with the larger family first.

      Unless there’s a major conflict, my best friend has been spending every Sunday late afternoon/evening with her now husband’s family for decades (since they were seriously dating) as has her brother-in-law.

      A section of my family that lives fairly close to each other see each other formally every few weeks and informally a lot more frequently.

      Sometimes this is part of being a family. I’m not suggesting you have to go every time, but if this no show causes drama, I’d brainstorm other options, seek advance permission, or ho but seek out portions of the day to decompress (forgive me if it was discussed in advance but that’s not the impression I got from your post).

    20. Donkey Hotey*

      If you see them that regularly, you can totally skip one now and then. I only see my mom 2-3 times a year, but wife never goes more than once a year.

    21. allathian*

      We live in the same city with both my parents and my MIL and her husband (my FIL is in a care home for people with dementia, I haven’t seen him since 2019 and he wasn’t a frequent visitor even when he lived with his wife). It’s just a 15-minute drive to either of their homes, so going there is hardly a hardship when it comes to travel. But I’m introverted enough to need a lot of me-time, so sometimes my husband sees his mom and our son sees his grandma without me. If my SIL is visiting I’ll always go, because she lives a 4-hour drive away and only gets to visit about once every two months for a long weekend (she’s a Lutheran preacher in a small congregation and obviously at work most weekends and holidays).

      I see my MIL more often than my own parents, mainly because my mom is like me, fairly introverted, and while she’s always happy to see us, she doesn’t need to see us more than once every two months, or so. My MIL is pretty extroverted and enjoys having company over. She also enjoys gardening, and ever since she downsized by moving into an apartment 10 years ago, she’s been a frequent visitor during the gardening months (late April to mid-October when it’s time to plant any bulbs).

  32. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

    When I was younger, I re-read books to quell my late-night anxiety as a young insomniac — *Mary Poppins,*, *The Secret Garden*, *Alice in Wonderland*.

    Today, I enjoy re-reading favorite authors so I can plunge into their worlds — Rex Stout, Ian Fleming, P.G. Wodehouse, Jane Austen.

    2. PhyllisB*

      I don’t have insomnia, but I like reading something positive and soothing right before bed. Some of the things I like: Chicken Soup For the Soul books (most of the stories are only a couple of pages long,) short devotions if you like that sort of thing, also a collection of humorous essays is good for bedtime reading. .Just don’t get something TOO humorous, it’s hard to go to sleep after rolling with laughter.

  33. Melkhanik*

    I posted a while back about needing to tell one of my players, Jane, not to trauma dump at game. This is how it turned out.

    I am a coward, so I did it over text. I got a message back like, “I’m sorry. I know I’m a lot. I can leave the game if you want. I don’t want to make other people uncomfortable.” I waited until the next day to reply, because I’ve been in too many situations where my asking someone not to do something got turned around into my comforting them for making them feel bad by asking them not to do something. I don’t think she would intentionally do anything emotionally manipulative, but I wasn’t going down that road again.

    The following day I messaged her back saying that she was my friend, I enjoyed playing with her very much, and did not want her to leave the game; but that I still needed her to stop bringing up those topics at game.

    Radio silence. A week later I texted her to say that she was my friend and I loved her and I hoped she was doing okay. Still nothing.

    She couldn’t make it to the next couple of sessions, but everyone else could so we still played. I hate to say it, but those were some of the best sessions we’d had in a long time. They were fun and the players got through a ton of plot, which we hadn’t been able to do previously because another issue we’ve had with Jane is how often she goes off-topic. We’re all friends, so of course people want to chat, but she’ll show up 1-2 hours late and then spend another hour and change talking about whatever random stuff, which means we were getting about thirty minutes of actual game time out of an ostensibly three-hour session.

    I thought about reaching out to her, but I had already done so once and heard nothing back, so I left it alone. She didn’t actually end up being at game again for several months: Either she couldn’t make it for one reason or another, or else she could make it but I had to cancel the session for other reasons. It was several months before she showed up at game again.

    It went really well! Seeing her and talking to her reminded me of all the things I missed about her. She was on time and was super on the ball about the session, and everyone had a good time. Everything I love about having her as a player was on display. It was great. It made me happy to see her again.

    Our friendship has not been the same though. We used to text a lot and hang out together outside of game, and that’s all gone now. Maybe it will come back, or maybe it won’t. For a while I felt really angry about it. We were friends for a decade and asking her to stop doing something because it bothers me was enough to kill our entire friendship.

    I don’t think about it very often anymore, but when I do, I feel a bit sad. “We can be friends as long as you never tell me when I do something that bothers you” is not a deal I’m willing to make with anyone. I know she’s been through a lot of trauma and I know some of the reasons behind why she acts the way she does, but it doesn’t matter. Knowing why someone does something doesn’t make the behavior acceptable.

    I’ve thought about talking to her about what happened, but I don’t want to. I have no interest in taking the initiative in trying to mend things. If she’s that twisted up inside that she can’t handle “please stop” without ghosting me for months, then I think it’s better that we’re not close friends anymore. Instead, I’ve spent more time hanging out with other friends and I took a class I’ve been interested in for a while. I miss her, and I wish this had turned out differently from how it has, but I don’t regret my actions.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      Thanks for the update!

      I’m sorry you lost your closeness with Jane. That just happens sometimes. Maybe someday, she’ll be in a mature enough space to feel like mending fences and trying to rebuild the friendship, but since she’s the one who pulled away, it’s sort of on her to fix things if she wants to do so — it’s not really on you, and it’s not the kind of thing you could do anyway without her enthusiastic co-operation.

    2. Double A*

      I lost a friendship where in retrospect it was very one sided. It was fantastic when we were doing things on her terms, which I enjoyed, but when it came to being there for me it was lacking.

      I’ve thought about following up over the years but honestly I’ve realized negotiating that now sounds exhausting. I still dream about her though.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I so often fall into these types of friendships, and sometimes honestly I appreciate the liveliness of having such people in my life and decide I can live with it, but it’s a good reminder to ensure we keep pushing to *also* find the people who can truly show up for us, even if they’re not always as much fun/wild/hilarious in the moment. I try to embrace the idea that there’s space for many many people and friendships in a life.

    3. fposte*

      It sounds like you did the right thing for you and it worked out as well as could be hoped; I think you especially made some good moves in not making moves. I don’t know if it helps, but it sounds like you’re thinking of Jane has having essentially rage-quit the friendship, and my guess is there’s actually a lot of embarrassment and shame involved on her part. So she may really not have been able to manage talking to you.

    4. MissGirl*

      I actually have a different possible take on this that of course maybe completely wrong. She took this opportunity to work on herself and heal. Now she’s back ready to be part of the group. However, she could’ve recognized that your relationship isn’t healthy for her through no fault of yours. It sounds like you enabled her to some degree (good on you for recognizing and stopping it) and she doesn’t want to fall back into bad habits. We all have that friend or family member that we revert back to some old version of ourselves. She used you as a crutch, probably unintentionally, and that’s not good for either of you. Be a supportive presence from the sidelines. Maybe your relationship will grow into two healthy mature adults or maybe it’s ran its course. Good job on stopping the cycle.

      1. MissGirl*

        Of course, she may have bad social anxiety and her brain has convinced her that you hate her and are just being nice. Either way being supportive from the sidelines is a good start.

    5. Zephy*

      I think if you wanted to, you could reach out and say something like “I’m glad you were able to come to game last week*, it was nice to see you. hope you’re well!” (*or whenever it was). You know, get that positive reinforcement that you do like her and being around her, because her anxiety is probably telling her terrible lies about how you feel. Setting a boundary doesn’t have to kill a friendship. You’re also not obligated to work harder on this friendship than she is if you don’t want to, though.

    6. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      Don’t feel bad! You handled that in true AAM style.

      A charitable interpretation of her withdrawal is that at first she couldn’t face you/the group. I was Jane once, and I thought the best way to mend my reputation was to excuse myself from the group and make a fresh start somewhere else. Also, I thought it would be easier to change if I wasn’t around the same people. I reached out again after a while; it wasn’t awkward, but by then, my “you” had a new close friend. That’s okay; so did I.

      Bottom line, you held firm on your boundaries, and that’s never a bad thing.

    7. Sloanicota*

      This is tough. I’m going through this with a friend right now, who just really needs to text me out of the blue incredibly negative things she’s feeling/thinking (about herself and her life). It’s so, so hard on me to get these negativity bombs when I’m going about my day. I don’t really know how to react or respond. I hope it makes her feel better to send them because it truly does not make me feel better to receive them. When she overdoes it, I start getting a strong negative reaction to seeing her name pop up on my phone, and I sometimes ask her to scale back. I know she hears that as a rejection of her and that she’s “too much” or that I don’t like her anymore. I can’t fix everything for her. We still love each other. I hope you and this person reach equilibrium, it sounds like you’re both working through some things.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Whenever I’ve been in that situation I usually blanket-ban it straight away with “Hey, I don’t allow people to say bad stuff about my good friend who I care about!” I don’t care if they’re talking about themselves, they’re still badmouthing a friend and wanting my complicit agreement or silence. It’s true that they sometimes want me to disagree with each sentiment in turn, but I wouldn’t hold a reasonable conversation with someone else who was smack talking them, and I don’t think insulting oneself is productive. We all do it, but it’s easier for an external person to spot it when it’s taking over all reason and sense. So, my go to is “I’m not going to talk to Belladonna’s jerk voice, or her self flagellation instinct, I just want to talk with my cool friend Belladonna.”

    8. happy new year!*

      This can be so, so tough. I have a groupchat with a couple of internet friends who have both at times taken this kind of message badly, and it used to be so active with us talking about our days but now it’s one message every week or so talking about a shared interest. I love them and want the best for them but the constant negativity bombs that it was for a while, as another commenter put it, were just too much. I feel awful about it, I have so few friends anyway, but I don’t know if I can do any more for them.

    9. Miss Buttons*

      “We can be friends as long as you never tell me when I do something that bothers you” is not a deal I’m willing to make with anyone.

      I really respect that. That’s how I operate also. You never really know the quality of a relationship until it’s tested by conflict. I’ve lost more than a few friends that way. But I much prefer the small handful of true friends I currently have, who don’t hold my honesty against me.

      1. Sloanicota*

        To be fair, I’m guessing that what this person heard was “we can be friends as long as you don’t share your struggles with me.” Obviously that’s not at all what OP was trying to convey, but our brains can be mean to us sometimes. I don’t really think a text was the best way to convey this but I understand how hard it can be to be honest with the people we care about, and I’m actually a big coward about tough conversations TBH.

    10. Still*

      “She was my friend, I enjoyed playing with her very much, and did not want her to leave the game; but that I still needed her to stop bringing up those topics at game.”

      Really amazing job sticking to your guns like this. It sounds like you were kind and direct, and mostly achieved what you set out to do. I’m sorry you’re not as close anymore, but you’ve restored the games back to being fun and I think that’s as big of a win as you were ever going to get.

      For the record, I don’t think it’s a bad move doing this over text. It gives your friend the time to process the message, and it makes it easier for you not to automatically start comforting her. Sometimes texting is the way.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      I think you handled this exactly right.

      I’m sorry for the loss of the “old” friendship, but honestly? That sounded like it was lost for a long while before you brought up her actions. When a person starts consistently substituting one relationship for another (game night sessions become her therapy) the original relationship gets buried under a weight it was not designed to carry.

      Not that we can’t be supportive of our friends in hard times, or people should feel like they can never discuss big life events and trials, of course! But as you say–she needs something that this isn’t meant to give and if she can’t handle that, well…

    12. Flibbergibbit*

      The content was good, as was the follow up. But the approach by texting it was an unfortunate decision, especially for a good friend. I understand how tempting it is to risk it going too awkward in person but unless you two normally had disagreements over text and it went fine, I can see how that could be perceived on her part (insult to injury). Might have had the same result of course. Better out than in either way.

  34. Bike Walk Barb*

    Thoughts about AI?

    I learned yesterday that LinkedIn now has a setting for sharing your data with AI under Settings/Data Privacy. They added it and toggled it to ON without any notice to users. When I found out I promptly toggled it OFF.

    We’re all product, as Cory Doctorow has written. (If you think about or work in tech you may know of him; if not, go search on his name and “pluralistic” to find great, well-informed writing.)

    I have many misgivings about AI’s use, from its exploitation of creative people who don’t get paid for their content being scraped to the environmental issues associated with the server farms involved.

    This is pretty funny in a way since my younger daughter has just launched a company to help people find AI pros. She’s been in a creative field and has another company that advises creatives on using it in beneficial ways for their own business. Think things like its utility in handling large-scale repetitive tasks like going through the files from a photo shoot and deleting any with a particular flaw.

    I recognize it may just be a natural evolution in computing power and I’m overreacting. It’s certainly too late to seriously lock the barn door on my own loss of privacy, given that I was an early adopter of many platforms and have two blogs full of writing to be scraped. These aren’t the same issue, just related.

    I see the utility in my daughter’s business helping very small businesses scrub out repetitive tasks and I appreciate her energy and initiative in starting her other company (kind of like Angie’s List for AI consultants and people trying to find them). I have a friend with ADHD who just told me she uses ChatGPT to help her organize her thoughts for presentations and I’m glad she finds it useful. I’m in a public agency and there’s a whole state effort to define how it should be used and how its use will be disclosed. I have concern for the materials that would be produced and then reviewed by new hires who wouldn’t recognize the ghosts in the machine producing hallucinations and bad information.

    So, AI.

    1. Reba*

      Well, there are tools like machine learning that have been in development for a long time and have uses in graphics applications, autocomplete or predictive text, and other useful things that are not that new. Then there is the LLM type of applications, which I like you consider to be unreliable, unethical, and cooking the planet. I may be kind of an absolutist on this but I think it’s really truly bad.
      I guess on one level I applaud your daughter’s smarts in getting on the bandwagon in a way that works for her.

    2. 653-CXK*

      In my personal opinion, AI is similar to plagiarism, when you present items and words that are not your own as your own. (Remember those term paper farms from long ago, where you send someone $25 and you get a paper with footnotes, references, etc.? That’s how I think of AI.) It is also prone to being manipulated at the whim of the programmer, and while some of the results of AI can be accurate and hilarious, other times in can be harmful, even dangerous.

      I will not put AI on my phone or any computer I own, period. I don’t care how hip the tech community thinks of it, but I think for the moment, it’s something I will not engage with.

    3. Forensic13*

      As a college writing instructor, I really hate AI. It’s word salad-style /sounds/ good to students, many of whom have been taught to write to a standardized rubric and therefore can sound kind of similar themselves. So they either try and use it despite my elaborate threats, or they have more trouble evaluating writing pieces because they’re used to the fake-academic AI-style AI is also clogging up search results, making it harder to get to the decent sources when I teach research writing.

      I have read a few great books on it, if anyone’s curious. I’m very fond of You Look Like a Thing and I Love You and Hello World: Being Human in the Age of Algorithms.

    5. Mimmy*

      I can’t quite get on board with AI or even wrap my head around all that it can touch. My biggest concern is with writing and schoolwork.

      I’m not so sure about plagiarism, as Forensic13 describes. I do think AI can take away from the need to learn how to write and think critically. Everyone tells me I write very well, and I take pride in that. So the idea of using AI to write term papers and other academic assignments makes me sad. I recognize that perhaps a student has a learning disability that impacts their writing skills and needs some AI assistance, such as word prediction or idea mapping. Aside from that, I hope that people realize that AI should–at most–be used as a supplement, not as a replacement for developing writing skills.

    6. SayHey*

      Here is info to turn it off:

      Users can easily turn off the AI tool on their mobile devices and desktop. Just go to Settings, click “Data Privacy,” then select “Data for Generative AI Improvement.” From there, toggle the feature off.

    7. Donkey Hotey*

      I can rant for hours about generative AI, but the short version is:
      1- before this, it was Internet of Things, before that, it was block chain and crypto.
      2- theft at scale is still theft.
      3- if this is a trillion dollar solution, what trillion dollar problem is it solving? (the answer is: creative labor costs)

  35. Free Time*

    How do you decide what to spend your free time doing?

    I, like most people, spend 5 days a week being at the place we shall not mention. This leaves me gone for about 10 hours on those days. That, along with other obligations, sleeping, and energy levels means I don’t have much free time to do all the things I want to do on those days.

    On the weekend, I have time and energy but also have a huge list of things I want to do and I get sort of a decision paralysis trying to figure out what to spend my time doing. For instance, currently I want/need to clean, de-clutter, shop for new clothes, take care of a bunch deferred house projects, workout, read, play video games, and do crafts. I also need to spend time with friends/family. I just don’t have enough time for everything (and I know no one does) nor money to spend outsourcing some of the things.

    On Sunday evening, I usually feel miserable and that I did not used my free time wisely no matter what I decided to do. If I choose to do productive work, I feel like I didn’t have any downtime. If I do downtime activities, I feel guilty about not being productive. Even if I do a mix, I somehow still feel guilty. How do I get out of this mindset? How do you prioritize and feel like you didn’t fail to use your free time wisely?

    1. MissGirl*

      I have this same problem. Here’s what helps me a ton. On Sunday night, I make a list of all my want and need to do items for the week sans work. This helps me realize my list is entirely too long and forces me to prioritize. I sketch out little things to do each evening trying to keep the weekend for more fun. I schedule fun! Now if I don’t do something it’s because it wasn’t a priority not because I forgot or procrastinated.

      At the end of the week, I go over it and if I didn’t get something done I ask myself if it’s truly important or not. Then I can prioritize accordingly. Last week I didn’t get something done because I wanted to go see my niece after a health crisis. It actually felt more freeing to let stuff go to see her because I knew exactly what I was letting go instead of this huge list of nebulous things that ought to get done.

      I’ve also started this new thing where I hyper focus for a month on something important but easy to set aside. This month is mental health. Next is physical health. I’m setting up appointments today with a personal trainer.

    2. Zephy*

      I use an app called Finch. It’s a very cute self-care app – it’s more or less a glorified to-do list, but one that comes with cute cartoon birds offering you praise and encouragement for checking things off. Accomplishing tasks gives you in-game currency that you can spend on clothes and furniture for your little cartoon bird friend. You can add friends and send each other little greetings (preset, there’s no direct messaging between users).

      You can group tasks of similar types into “journeys” – right now I have a journey for meeting step goals and a separate one for household chore tasks. I used to have a journey that included engaging in my hobbies as tasks, that didn’t work as well for me, YMMV. My problem is that sometimes I don’t know where to start and can’t remember when the last time I did X household chore was, so I just loaded up as many chores as I could think of into the journey and set arbitrary-but-reasonable frequencies for each of them (dishes are daily, vacuuming is every X days, litterbox gets scooped every Y days, change the sheets weekly, etc). That gets me past the “where do I even start” hump, to do *something,* and brings the general cleanliness baseline of my home up over time. And sometimes, when I’ve really been bit by the chore shark, “vacuum one room” turns into “the entire apartment” turns into “and mop, too.”

      If that sounds like something your brain would respond positively to, it’s worth checking out – right now the free version of the app has all of the core functionality, the paid version basically just unlocks more colourways of the in-game items and more options for greetings to send to friends.

    3. Sloanicota*

      I have a lot of Feelings about turning my weekends into “weekday-like” choreathons, where I still wake up at about the same time and go through about the same morning routine and then turn to a to-do list, except it’s a life to do list instead of a work to do list. I can’t do it. It makes me feel awful. So I actively prioritize hanging out with my friends as much as possible outside work. I am probably out between five to eight times in a week, just getting dinner/drinks with friends or hanging out at their house or having them come to mine. I totally appreciate that’s Too Much Social for a lot of people here (and I’m single/child-free, as are most of my friends, despite being Olds). That means chores are squeezed in during the week or just TBH skipped until I can’t put them off anymore.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Oh, and when in doubt – outdoors. I never regret more time outside, whereas it’s easy for me to waste a whole day on my couch and then feel regretful and grumpy about it when I realize what I did.

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Saturday: The work. Grocery shopping, laundry, home repairs, organizing, etc.
      Sunday: The Fun Day.
      Absolutely clear delineation between the two days. It’s the only way that works for me. I don’t have to decide each weekend how much time for each. I don’t have to feel guilty about fun when I’ve had a full productive day yesterday.
      Occasionally I’ll switch them (like a few months ago when I spent Saturday at a friend’s wedding) but usually I’m better able to enjoy my fun day when I’ve already done the work stuff. And it’s easier to go back to that-place-that-shall-not-be-mentioned after a fun day.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband struggles with this too, and for him, what he’s settled on is, Saturdays are for downtime and Sundays are for the to-do list. (This of course has some flexing around things that are time sensitive, but in general.) Sometimes the to-do list takes more time, and sometimes there’s just a couple things and he gets downtime on Sunday too, or he’ll do something low key on Saturday like laundry that’s just a couple minutes here and there in between levels on his video game, but in general that works for both him and me.

      I’m pretty good at getting both needs and wants in during the weekend and keeping it balanced, for my part, but him not getting the needs done on his end was becoming an Issue for the collective until we had a come to Jesus and he figured out a solution.

    6. SofiaDeo*

      What works for me, is to alternate a chore with something I want to do. Since I like to read, I stop after each chapter & do *something chore* , ideally for at least 5 minutes. So loading or unloading dishwasher, starting a load of laundry, cleaning something. Sometimes I “get into” my chore, & happily work longer. For longer chores, the funtime is longer. 2 hours in the yard or shopping? Then I get 1/2 hr-45 mins for myself: watch a show, read several chapters. At the end of the day, I can look back & be pleased that I accomplished chores, but also had some “me” fun time.

      Very Important: things health related (exercise, long soak in the tub, meditation) are To Do’s. You won’t be good for much of anything, if you aren’t healthy. If it’s a choice between a 15 minute walk/meditation or whatnot, or folding laundry/cleaning the kitchen floor, the walk always is the higher priority.

    7. Manders*

      I take the first 15 minutes or so when I get home from work to do whatever chores I need to get done that evening. If I relax for 5 minutes first it generally means that nothing is going to get done, so I just dive right in. After that is complete I can relax. And since I live alone, my housekeeping can be mostly done in 15 minutes per night, so I’m not spending all day Sunday on cleaning.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I’m like that too! I don’t want to/can’t relax with something like making dinner hanging over me: I’d rather dive in, get it done and then chill out completely.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I was just thinking about how I’m often miserable on weekends because it’s like the desires to be a productive adult and a fun parent just cancel each other out and I end up doing neither.

      I have a little more success if I plan in advance to prioritize a couple things (ex: Saturday laundry + walk to park with kids, Sunday yard work + work on craft) because it gives me some momentum and I end up doing more. It’s rough though, I feel like I never have energy for all the things I want and need to accomplish.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      I find I must force myself to NOT turn the TV on if I want to get things done. Streaming is my zonk-brain drug; it’s just too damn easy to watch “one more episode.”

      To be fair, though, I only get a few hours a week to myself–I have one day off where Husband if off at Place That Is Not Named and it’s my one chance to watch in peace without constant commentary drowning out the dialogue!

    11. Anonymous Cat*

      One thing I do is to make a list of what I do as the weekend moves along.

      The idea is that on Sunday I can look and see what I actually did instead of feeling like I did nothing.

      I’ve come to the conclusion that I overplan for the weekend and think things will take less time than they do. So I need to work on realistic expectations!

      1. Free Time*

        I love this idea.. so that I can see that I did not waste my time at the end of the weekend. I think I also need to work on more realistic expectations for how much I can do.

      2. Donkey Hotey*

        A friend of mine did this and calls it his “Ta-da!” list instead of his “to do” list. He can present it to his spouse and day “ta-da!”

    12. NeedMoreSpoons*

      I don’t know anyone without a fairly unlimited energy supply who doesn’t deal with this. Personally, I do very little beyond work – I can’t handle more thanks to disability. The answer is to prioritize essentials, hope you have enough energy to get through most of them, and be kind to yourself when you don’t or can’t do something you wanted/needed to do.

      If you have the ability, taking a stray Wednesday off to take care of stuff or do fun stuff (or other day, but I find not attached to weekend more effective).

      Don’t let people with infinite energy who don’t understand why you can’t keep up or have to cancel plans get you down. Ignore other people’s standards for X or Y if you can’t manage them. If you have the ability, ask for or pay for help.

      Good luck!

    13. Morning Reader*

      I’m in a different situation, but sometimes I let myself do nothing (if nothing urgent presents itself) and allow myself to feel good about it. (Obv if the cat just threw up, I tend to that, as example of immediate or urgent need.) So if you have two weekend days, you could plan on using one to do stuff and the other, not to. Or mornings active and afternoons relaxing.
      In the past, I’ve used a Job Jar, either literally or figuratively. A little slip of paper listing the task, or the fun thing, then you pull from the jar and do whatever it suggests. “Go to cider mill” or “clean bathroom” etc. you can have two separate jars or combine them. The beauty of the Job Jar is that you can veto whatever you draw if your heart, or energy level, just says no. Clean bathroom? Ugh, no, it can wait. If it’s something that really needs doing, you put it back in the jar for another day.
      Your question inspires me to listen to Queen’s Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon. That has always been my preferred time for doing nothing much.
      “I’ll be back again before it’s time for sunny-down, and I’ll be lazing on a Sunday afternoon!”
      Have a good weekend. You have my permission (worth a hypothetical 2 cents on the open market) to do…. Nothing.

    14. Donkey Hotey*

      It’s going to sound weird, but hear me out.
      I’m a nerd. I have lots of multi-faceted dice.
      I write a list of everything I want to do in a day and then I roll the dice. I promise that whatever comes up, I’ll do that next. If it’s a small project, I do it until it’s done. If it’s a big project, I’ll work on it for an hour. It eliminates the decision paralysis for me. And yes, there are times when i have “watch a movie” in the list and I’m watching it at 10am because that’s what came up on the dice, but it works for me.

      Off to have a dice day now. Good luck!

      1. Free Time*

        Thank you for this idea. I think doing something like this would help me too. Otherwise I just sit around thinking about all the different options, and before I know it hours have passed and I could have been doing something.

  36. Angstrom*

    Was thinking about all the letters about crushes that have been on AAM over the years, and realized that my time in organized social dance(ballroom, swing, contra, etc.) has probably been good “practice” for dealing with that. In many groups it’s normal to change partners for every dance even if you come with one. It’s a safe environment to play. As a friend put it, “You can have a romantic affair for three minutes, and then the song ends and you thank them and go find someone else.”
    One never grows immune to crushes, so learning that you can enjoy attraction and mild flirting and then easily move on is a good life skill.

      1. Angstrom*

        “Ah! I forget ‘and’ !”
        Polka used to be a common European ballroom dance in the 19th century but faded from popularity. Our loss….

  37. Double A*

    My daughter’s 6th birthday is in a few weeks and it’ll be on the large side in terms of guests. I’d like to do the gift opening after the party so there’s a better chance of slowing down and actually appreciating the gifts rather than the chaotic tear-through that so often happens. I’d like to know who actually gave what so we can thank them individually (this is the year I teach my kids to write thank you notes).

    So I’m looking for suggestions for how to set expectations with my kid and guests that that’s how we’ll do it (I know some kids are quite attached to seeing their gift opened).

    Any tips for making this transition? Also open to hearing it’s a bad idea and I shouldn’t resist the chaos haha

    1. Sloanicota*

      When we really got deluged at Christmas as a kid (for a while we were the youngest kids on both sides of the family) my parents used to have us open gifts, then pause to go eat a meal, then resume opening gifts, then pause to go take a walk, then finish opening gifts, so that we appreciated them a bit more.

    2. Zephy*

      I’m not sure there’s a way to avoid chaos in the presence of more than two six-year-olds. Maybe even more than one six-year-old, or any six-year-olds, depending on the children in question.

      You may want to keep a list of gifts and givers for later reference, or perhaps label the gifts as your guests arrive. Whether you’ll be able to stuff all the presents in a closet or something to open later will be harder to manage, I think, unless it’s normal in your culture to open presents privately (and even if it isn’t, maybe it is now and that’s what you tell the other kids/parents). Maybe, if you have enough other entertainment at the party, everyone will be too distracted by the [Elsa/bounce house/party games/whatever] to remember about the presents.

      1. Double A*

        Ha! I’m kind of hoping the inherent chaos of 6 year olds (which I enjoy) will keep them all playing together and I can just direct it away from the gifts.

    3. No name yet*

      Are the guests family, adult family friends, mostly other kids? I ask because I was surprised to find out with my 9yo that at kid-focused birthday parties (where most of the guests are his friends), the SOP now is that gifts aren’t opened at the party. Very much a change from when I was a kid, but there are definitely advantages (as you’ve mentioned). Have you been to other kids’ birthday parties in your area?

      If this isn’t the SOP where you are, I’d suggest having a table near the door/where people come in, and have the presents there, ideally out of sight of the party so people are less likely to see them/think about them. And maybe having a fairly set schedule, so there’s not really extra time for opening presents?

      For your kid’s expectations, maybe focusing on the party as being the fun “doing” time with friends/family, and the fun “gift” part as a distinct/separate time.

    4. Generic Name*

      It’s fine to tell kiddo and guests that they’ll open the gifts later. But I don’t think it’s a reasonable expectation that a 6 year old will slowly open gifts and savor each one. If they’re inclined to tear through everything in 30 seconds, it will be difficult to prevent that. As long as the chaos doesn’t lead to meltdowns or disagreements, I say embrace it. :-)

      1. Double A*

        Oh yeah, I’m definitely not expecting slow savoring, but I’d like some medium between contemplative appreciation and not even noticing what’s inside the gift! lol

        And I’m open to embracing the chaos.

    5. Pizza Rat*

      I mean, respectfully, you’re overthinking this — it’s not that deep. First set the expectation with your daughter: sit down with her ahead of time and say some variation of, “Your friends are going to bring you some gifts for your birthday! Isn’t that nice? But we’re going to wait to open your presents until *after* the party. That way we’ll make sure that our guests have an amazing time while they’re with us AND we can extend the celebration after the party. Okay?” Say it like OF COURSE this is how it’s going to go. If she pushes back, validate her feelings but give your reasoning about why: “we already have enough activities to do during the party/opening gifts is not as fun for everyone else as it is for you/it’s important to open gifts slowly and thoughtfully to show appreciation, and that won’t happen at a party/etc.” It’s not a negotiation — you’ve made a decision and you can remind her as needed and communicate with her based on her level of understanding and what will resonate with who she is.

      Have her practice saying “thank you” sincerely when someone hands her a gift (eye contact, hug if she’s comfortable with it) and then have her hand the gifts to you. You can put them in a different room or separate location — for so many kids, out of sight, out of mind will be enough. If someone asks you, “when is [daughter] going to open her gifts?” say some variation of “oh, she’ll open them later! Thank you for getting her a gift, I know she’ll love it!” Again — it’s not a negotiation, not with your own kid and certainly not with anyone else (kid or adult).

      When the time comes, as she opens the gifts, keep a list: write down who gave what. You also may want to buy some thank you cards that are fill in the blank: “Dear _____, thank you for the _____. I love it! I can’t wait to ______. Your friend, ________.” It gets kids in the habit of writing thank you notes without putting the burden of writing full sentences at age 6.

      1. Double A*

        Oh yeah, I’m not thinking this is like a Huge Complicated Deal, just wanted to hear from folks who have done it since it’s just a shift from what we’ve done and a bit out of the norm around here.

        I like the idea of the sentence frames for thank you notes. She can’t write words yet but she does like when I spell out words for her so she could definitely fill in some blanks! And sign her name of course :)

      2. Becky S*

        My mother’s rule was- we couldn’t wear/ use/ play with a gift until we wrote a thank you note for it.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Setting expectations with your kid is the easy part. You’re right that some of the child guests might feel very strongly about seeing their gift opened, especially if that’s the custom in your area. I suggest telling those kids that you are going to video your child opening their gift and that you will text them the video. That should work for almost all of the kids. If there are one or two holdouts, you can offer to the parent that they can stay late and your kid will open the gift before they leave.

    7. Rara Avis*

      I found a change had happened between my childhood birthday parties and my kid’s. No one opened presents at the parties my kid went to. Maybe explain to your daughter that at the party you’re going to focus on having fun with friends, and then she can extend the celebration with present time at home later.

    8. CityMouse*

      My kid is close in age to yours and FWIW I haven’t been to a birthday party where the gifts are opened during the party.

    9. California Dreamin’*

      I never had my own kids open gifts at their parties, mainly because I worried about my child not having an appropriately appreciative reaction when opening something they felt meh about, or maybe there would be a duplicate and the duplicate giver would feel bad. My experience has been that some families open at the party and many don’t, so I don’t think this will bump for anyone. Honestly, I can’t imagine kids would care because they’re busy doing much more fun stuff than stopping down to watch another kid get gifts.
      Don’t get me started on wishing I could single-handedly normalize no goody bag handing out when guests leave. However, This proved to be too much societal change. I used to do a single larger favor rather than a bag of assorted whatever. But I really dislike party favors. Did not do them at my wedding.

    10. Anon Poster*

      I have always hated the public opening of gifts, as both a kid and an adult. As a gift-giver, I would, and still do, get so anxious about seeing my gift opened. What if it’s lame, what if someone else brought the same gift and that one gets opened first, what if the receiver doesn’t like it and can’t hide their reaction, etc. As the gift-receiver, I hated having all that attention on me, and was always worried that my reactions weren’t big enough and I was disappointing someone by not seeming grateful enough for whatever they brought. In conclusion, I fully support parties where the gift-opening happens after!

    11. CDots*

      For a baby shower at work, we requested unwrapped gifts. That way, as people arrived, we were at the door and could ooh and ahh at the gift, then set it aside while they went in to get snacks. I don’t know if kids would go for that, but it’s an idea!

    12. Le le lemon*

      Logistically, have someone ready to sticky-tape the card to the present (if not already fixed) as they arrive, and when she’s opening, get a photo of the card with the gift and then write in the card (pencil if you like) what the gift was. (Assign someone to do this). It will help with the inevitable confusion a little later!

    13. Janne*

      A way to prevent the kid tearing through all the gifts too quickly, you could do a gift scavenger hunt. In my country the birthday parties for kids and grownups are often done separately (so you have one party for your classmates and one party for old family members) and on the kids’ party, all the kids that bring a gift hide it from you in the house or garden (depending on the weather) and you have to search for it while the kids steer you with “cold” and “warmer” hints. Then once you find a package, you open it, thank the person it was from, and go on searching for other gifts. This makes sure you’re only opening one gift at once.

      But this of course doesn’t work with old family members who don’t want to play games with their gifts. And it doesn’t work with bigger gifts. Like I used to get a new bike around every 2 years at age 4-12 so that gift used to just appear in the living room in the morning of my birthday.

    14. Abigail*

      Is it too late to make the party no-gift? Most parties that I attend with my kids are no-gift and that helps a lot. If not, I have a few tips:

      (1) have some activities planned and others that are easy to throw together at the last minute. If you burn through the planned activities and need a last minute game, pull out bean bag toss or whatever is easy

      (2) have a distinct place to drop gifts that you can move to another room. A wagon is great for this. When the parents drop off, tell them “gifts go in the wagon, we will open them after the party.” When everybody is there, move the wagon to a room guests typically don’t enter. Once the gifts are out of sight they are out of mind for a lot of kids

      (3) for a 6 YO, I would write the thank you notes and ask them to sign their name and/or decorate them. This is a task that is more likely to be completed if you start very very small.

  38. Anono-me*

    Recently while traveling, I had a checked bag inspected by the TSA. It got me to wondering. What happens if a checked bag is inspected by the TSA and they can’t fit everything back in? I couldn’t find it on Google. Does anyone hereknow? (I assume with carryon luggage that the passenger is always responsible for any repacking.)

    1. Sloanicota*

      I can tell you as someone who plays games with carryon – I refuse to pay extra, so I’ll pack for a long weekend in just Frontier’s purse-sized free receptacle – the TSA will shove the opened back back to you and tell you to repack it yourself. This has happened to me a couple times now, because I tightly roll my clothes to fit them in one carryone, but if unzipped and rummaged through, it all springs out like snakes from a can.

      1. LGP*

        Yeah I think tightly rolling things up is the way to go. I’ve always heard not to use vacuum-sealed bags to pack your clothes because if your bag gets searched, you’ll have a hard time fitting everything back in.

    2. Reba*

      They repack it any which way and people routinely have things ruined and broken based on careless packing. I’ve seen luggage wrapped in TSA branded tape that may have been unable to rezip.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Yeah I’ve heard horror stories about travelers who had to check wheelchairs arriving at their destinations to find their wheelchairs absolutely destroyed. Out thousands of dollars for something often custom-made for their needs – and how are they to get around wherever they’re going? Just awful.

    3. Manders*

      Unrelated to the TSA, but on my layover to Europe for a work conference my carry-on’s zipper broke. Luckily my colleague has been doing physical therapy for a back issue and had some resistance bands with her that we used to secure the luggage!

  40. a sleepy MacBook Air*

    This is a home-use question about a MacBook Air. I’m borrowing one that hasn’t been used for months. I opened it up and logged in about 30 minutes ago, and it keeps on shutting down every minute or two. I log back in, do a bit of what I’m borrowing it for, and it shuts down again. I am not a native Mac user (normally I’m on Windows) so I am not familiar with the OS and don’t know what to do.

    I don’t know if this is related, but there’s a popup box at the top right that says LOGITECH PRESENTATION SOFTWARE UPDATE with an option to UPDATE and an option to CLOSE, and it’s just parked there — I can’t move it or close it or tell it to update, it’s just there, in the way. I’ve clicked on it and touched it, and nada.

    Any suggestions would be very welcome!

    1. a sleepy MacBook Air*

      I went back to the laptop and this time I was able to get rid of that popup, and I did a Restart and am now embroiled in other Mac OS issues. More to come, probably!

      1. a sleepy MacBook Air*

        Never mind! I have spent hours doing stuff on this Macbook Air, all with a lot of difficulty as the UI is so unfamiliar, but the issue I asked about has been resolved. (Ugh.)

    2. Susan*

      I call the toll free Apple support line when I have a question/problem about my iPhone, iPad, or Apple Watch. I don’t know if they handle laptops though. It’s
      1(800)MYIPHONE
      (extended hours but not 24)

  41. Grilledccheeser*

    For the cat people! My cats are *really* into ear cleaning. I had to start ear cleaning when at a vet appointment it was pointed out how disgusting their ears were. Never had a cat with this issue before! So now weekly we do the cleanings of every ear in the house. But the thing is my cats want me to do it hourly – but not because of the cleaning, it’s because they want me to sit there and rub a certain spot in their ears while their back leg goes bonkers. It feels weird! Is this a cat thing i just never ran across before? Is it ok to do for them?

    1. fposte*

      This makes me think of a video I saw of somebody with a couple of dogs. One needed eardrops and the other was jealous of the eardrop attention, so the second dog waited in line after the first and got pretend eardrops and a massage to rub them in.

    2. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

      Not cleaning specifically, but two of my cats love what we call “ear squishies”–basically grabbing the base of the ear and, well, squishing/pinching it very firmly over and over! It doesn’t look like it could possibly be enjoyable, but they’ll happily sit there for it and be put out when you stop. I don’t think I’ve ever asked the vet about it, but after several years it doesn’t seem to have done any harm to either. Maybe it’s like you’re scratching an itch for them that they can’t reach themselves?

    3. Harlowe*

      Not sure if this counts as unwanted backseat medical advice, but when I had a cat with a truly nightmarish level of ear crud, it was because she had a grain allergy and it was yeast build-up. Switching her to a limited-ingredient diet was a huge help.

      I’ve only ever gotten mine to tolerate eat cleaning and claw clipping, not beg for it, so that part I don’t get.

      1. Grilledcheeser*

        Vet thinks mine had gunk from a cold they shared earlier. After a few months of weekly efforts, they now turn out pretty clean & we’re down to every other week, going monthly soon if they continue clean.

    4. Lizabeth*

      A family horse would stand still f.o.r.e.v.e.r to get their ears itched inside (we used garden gloves to do it). They didn’t figured out how to do the back leg twitch, tho but lots of side head leaning.

      1. Grilledcheeser*

        An Appaloosa I rode one year had that droopy lip thing when you found the itchy spot after unsaddling. ;)

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Sounds like you found a happy spot! Peanut cat loves having that little semi-hairless patch in front of each ear rubbed. His big thing, though, is butt slaps. He loves smacks right above his tail/over his hips (not really hard, just about the same pressure as playing patty cake.) Little weirdo.

    6. Jill Swinburne*

      Haha, my mum had a cat and a dog who had a perfect symbiotic relationship like that – the dog for some reason loved to lick the cat’s ears, and the cat enjoyed it immensely, turning his head periodically to ensure the dog got ALL of it. The humans all thought it was gross, but the animals were very happy together.

  42. Rain, Disappointing Australian (formerly Lucien Nova)*

    I obtained a new sewing machine finally!

    My old one (a cheap Shark I “inherited” from mum because she couldn’t get it to work for her at all and somehow it decided it liked me) gave up the ghost a few months back – gears seized, stripped bits of metal everywhere, completely unusable. So I thought about another cheap one but I decided I wanted a machine with more functionality, and one that’d last a heck of a lot longer.

    Bought it today. Already in love. Why did I not do this sooner. :D

    1. Maryn*

      I’m so glad you got a good machine! Mine is more than 50 years old–a decent machine lasts and lasts if you just take minimal care, like oiling it.

      What kind did you choose?

      And what’s the first thing you plan to sew on it?

      1. Rain, Disappointing Australian (formerly Lucien Nova)*

        I have a Brother machine now; I’ve always been happy with Brother products so I figured it was a pretty safe bet. It’s glorious – it’s so quiet, so much more powerful, and I never even knew I needed some of the features it has (like automatic stitch reversal – I don’t have to remember to do the reinforcement stitches at the end of a seam myself, it’ll do it for me! Eeee! *happy flail*)

        I’m currently attempting to finish the project my old machine died in the middle of – making a tote bag for a friend’s craft stuff. Next thing I plan to work on is probably some face masks or some cat ear hats – both quick, easy, and fun things I usually work on when I have no further ideas!

        1. Maryn*

          Good choices. I love having something I can finish in a short time. My present “I can wear this tomorrow” is on its sixth day, and the previous dress-that-wouldn’t is in a wad on the floor where I threw it…

          1. Rain, Disappointing Australian (formerly Lucien Nova)*

            I really need to do a bunch of scrap-busting projects as it is; my fabric bin is mostly scraps at this point. Once I get some shuffled out I can go with bigger projects.

            I do need to finish altering some sweatpants though…

  43. Harlowe*

    How do you decide when to replace a spendy tech product, like your cell phone/tablet/laptop? Wait for it to lose compatibility, force it to last X number of years, upgrade when you want a specific feature?

    Curious since it was a topic of discussion during a lunch-and-learn, after a colleague joked that the company policy of replacing laptops every 3 years was three times faster than his household policy.

    1. Lizabeth*

      I just replaced my iPad because it was old enough (4-6 years) to become unsupported soon instead of getting a new battery. I am nursing my laptop for as long as I can (2014 running 11.7.10) since it’s used for mostly email and web. Haven’t updated the graphics computer because using CS 6 with them. I refuse to pay Adobe a monthly subscription.

    2. YNWA*

      cell phones I hold onto until they start to lose battery life and/or get super slow. My last one was 4 years old when I turned it in, but that was because I dropped it and shattered the screen.

      Laptops and desktops I usually push to the 10 year mark unless the OS is no longer supported. My last laptop (Alienware) was 8 years old and it still actually works but it can’t be upgraded to Windows 11 unless I update a bunch of hardware so I decided to just get a new Alienware. My last desktop was about 12 years old.

    3. Sloanicota*

      I wish I could stretch out my phones, but I end up dropping/losing them sooner than I’d like. A laptop I’d use for up to seven years if it kept working, tolerating it being a bit slower or holding less charge – old laptops and old phones you can buy new batteries and boost their lives, but a lot of modern tech doesn’t work like that.

    4. Somewhat crazy*

      My mom:until it screams in agony and my husband takes pity on it and gives me another
      My dad:hmm it’s getting old I’ll get another
      Me:the timing isn’t right yet, I’ll wait.
      My brother: you guys wait?

    5. happy new year!*

      As long as I can, honestly. My first laptop I replaced recently after seven years, and it really was time- it ran slower than mud and there were quite a few broken parts. I still have my first desktop which is now around six years old and chugging along just fine. I have replaced my smartphone once, and for compatibility reasons it might be time to upgrade again, but I’m a bit bitter about it because it’s for a work app and this five-year-old phone runs fine, it just doesn’t support the new Android OS. You hear such awful things these days about where the components for new phones come from, too. I’ll be sure to get something refurbished when that happens.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      For laptops and tablets, it seems to be the intersection of (something new and keen came out) and (my bestie is considering an upgrade). She’s bought many of my old-but-in-great-shape pieces when I’ve upgraded over the years. :)

    9. Rosyglasses*

      I’ve been waiting longer than I have in a long time for my phone because I’m learning more about the exploitation of children in the Congo for Apple phones. So I will probably wait until this phone is down to 20% battery recharge-ability.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        To add: It’s getting replaced with the same make, similar model, and I have zero interest in learning a new system and would like it all to port over and then not bother me.

    11. Rara Avis*

      Just replaced my kid’s 5-year-old laptop when the age issues became insuperable. Used out desktop until the hard drive died. Currently on 5-year-old phones and dreading the necessity to replace them. (We have the last model to be supported by the next iOS update, so the end is in sight.) we also drive cars from 2008 and 2016. Partly a money thing, partly trying to make the best use of resources, partly hating having to relearn.

    12. allathian*

      I usually replace my phone every 4 or 5 years, when the battery’s gone bad. I have a desktop computer that we keep upgrading parts to, and I’ve had it for 10 years, although I’ve upgraded pretty much everything on it, including the motherboard.

    14. Donkey Hotey*

      Both my desktop and my phone are 4+ years old. I recently learned about the right to repair websites that will teach you how to replace your phone battery yourself and I plan to do that when its time comes. Desktop is waning, but until someone figures out a Recall work around, hell of I’m switching to that. Might have to get a used refurbished laptop with 10 still on it.

      1. happy new year!*

        I’m thinking of biting the Linux bullet soon in response to Recall. It just seems that game compatibility is a difficulty…

        1. Donkey Hotey*

          and that right there is the reason I’m waffling. I finally have the time, energy, and interest to play a particular game, but i need to upgrade in order to play it.

    15. Middle Name Jane*

      I wait as long as I can, until the device stops working properly. I had my last laptop 7 years and would have tried to keep it longer, but the screen was going out. My last cell phone, 4 years. Then it started misbehaving, and I knew it was time. I don’t replace or upgrade on a schedule. I run updates on my devices as long as they’re available.

  44. InkyFingers*

    I think it was here, some time ago in a reading thread, that someone mentioned _The Transit of Venus_. If so, whoever you are, thank you thank you. I’m halfway through and this is the most stunning novel I’ve encountered in years. It’s most certainly one I’ll reread. Such a somber novel, and such marvelous wordcraft. One that will linger in my memory. As will my gratitude for the recommendation.

    1. Weekend Warrior*

      I don’t think it was me but am very happy that this gem is still being discovered. I read it years ago and pretty much forgot it until a friend recommended it to me again last year. So good!

  45. multipotentialite*

    Imagine you and Friend A are going to the same social event. In fact, you text Friend A to let them know you’re on your way. But, unbeknownst to Friend A, you’ve also invited Friends B, C, D, and E, who Friend A doesn’t even know about.

    When Friends B-E arrive, do you:
    a) introduce Friend A to Friends B-E?
    or
    b) spend all your time talking to Friends B-E, and not interact with Friend A at all?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I guess it depends on who they are, but I can’t really imagine having friends that I’d be so worried about them not getting along that I wouldn’t even introduce them to each other. And I say that as someone who is a curmudgeon who doesn’t like 80% of my friends’ friends (sometimes it’s them, most of the time it’s just me), but I can at least be polite in passing to almost all of them if we’re at the same gathering.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Hmm, I’m guessing there is a right and a wrong answer to this question.

      If your feelings are hurt, and if this is a real friend, you might tell them that you felt bad when they ditched you at the party. If this is a Mean Girls kind of thing (gender-neutral), then think about whether this is the right friend for you at all.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Yeah, I think you either:
        a) Talk to the friend, not the internet strangers.
        b) Take this as a last straw “And then my perspective shifted and I realized the underlying dynamic wasn’t what I had thought, it was really this other thing.”

        As others have said, this can range from really screwy dynamics (from which you can walk away) to being that “you” thought of it as talking up a local band to everyone you knew, and so “you” had no idea that Friend A thought this was a two-person hang-out.

        Friend groups can copy all the weird is-it-a-date? dynamics, where whether this is just the two of us or a group hang or “Hey, I’ll see you there and chat briefly before circulating” can be read into the same “So how about the Crab Dip festival Saturday? You’re in? Cool!” And it hurts if you’re trying to make a closer friend and they’re thinking of you at a more distant level.

    3. Morning Reader*

      I pick “a” and also introduce friends B-E to friend A. But, much of the detail would depend on the type of social event and the relationship of the inviter/texter to A. Is it a party, socializing with others who are also invited by the host? Is it a public social event, where people who know about it are free to come? (For example, I just attended a ticketed festival at a brewery.) is it a huge gathering, where people are milling around and no one is expected to know others?
      Or, was it a date or otherwise expected to be a hang out together/be each others wing person situation? In the latter case I’d feel badly about being ignored and not want to go out with the inviter again.
      In the former cases, I’d still feel badly but wonder if I’d misinterpreted the original invitation. Was it… let’s do this thing together? Or… I’m doing this thing, come along if you like that kind of thing too and I might see you there?
      Either way (or any way), it would be nicer of friend to introduce everyone around to each other. But less of an offense not to if it was a “we’re all here at this festival, wander around and talk to anyone when the spirit moves you” kind of event.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Depending on the dynamics it would also be okay for the odd person out to introduce themselves to the others and join them, probably. Even if they’re all going on about something you’re not part of, you could hang out nearby and still feel a part of the group. Ideally, your friend would facilitate this but you don’t actually NEED her to.

    4. Ginger Cat Lady*

      You’re friend A, that much is obvious.
      I can’t answer, because I only have one friend group, they all know each other (so introductions wouldn’t be necessary) and I wouldn’t invite others “unbeknownst” or anything.
      But I’m sorry you’re unhappy about what happened.

    5. allathian*

      I can’t imagine being the “you” in this situation because I’d never bait and switch my friends like that.

      I assume that you’re friend A and feel disappointed that the inviter spent most of the time hanging out with their other friends.

      If I were friend A, I’d undoubtedly walk around introducing myself to the friend group to try and make the best of it. Who knows, I might enjoy hanging out with these people, at least for one evening. I certainly wouldn’t either passively wait to be introduced or sit in a corner mad at my “friend” for ignoring me.

      But from then on, I’d ask for specifics about any invitations from that person.

      But something similar happened to me when I was a high school student. I’d invited a friend to a youth event I didn’t want to go to alone. She came, and without telling me, also brought her other friend group along. One of the girls in that group had bullied me in junior high and while the bullying had stopped, I didn’t acknowledge her existence at all if I could help it. Her being there rather ruined the evening for me and I left early.

      I felt betrayed and our friendship never recovered, from then on, she was a friendly acquaintance rather than a friend because I could no longer trust her. I knew she and my former bully were friends, she knew I wanted nothing to do with my former bully, she thought she knew better and basically tried to force me to forgive and forget and be, if not friends, at least willing to hang out with the bully because she wanted all of her friends to like each other, too. I was having none of that, and to be fair, I don’t think my former bully was particularly keen, either.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      Is this a new friendship were you’ve just discovered this is how they roll, or an established friendship were they’ve never done this before? If it’s the latter, I’d either write it off as an anomaly of how the event came together, or tell her you don’t want to hang out with people you don’t know without introductions again. If it’s the former…. I have a relative who would totally do B (she always intends to do A, but sometimes she gets distracted because she’s a person who neverstopstalking and being distracted by wild tangents whether someone else manages to say something or not). If I agree to go to an event with her, I know from experience that she’ll bring a whole cohort along with her, who I’ve never met, and I may or may not get to interact with her/the others. I’ve realised that we have really different attachment styles though, because whenever I bring up the idea of hanging out one on one, she gets really upset that I don’t want to engage with a group of people, or to meet new people. From her perspective, meeting new people is catnip and she absolutely doesn’t need an introduction, because she definitely gets more energy from group dynamics, especially fresh ones. I get more satisfaction from one on one hangouts with established friends which definitely does not scratch her particular itch. We compromise, but we’re not close as a result.

      1. allathian*

        My attachment style’s closer to yours because I’m introverted enough to prefer hanging out in smaller groups or one on one, even in a crowd, rather than looking for new people to talk to and ignoring the friends I came with. But I’ll get up and introduce myself if the alternative is to be ignored. I frankly can’t think of a situation where that would be inappropriate if the host/person who knows both me and the group doesn’t do the introductions.

    7. Party Princess*

      It would depend on the friends, their known preferences, and their actions at the party. If A is the life and soul of the party, has a bunch of other friends already there who they are hanging out with, and our paths just don’t cross, option a) is fine. If A is a massively introverted person who is only going because I said I’d be there and we’d agreed to hang out together, then a) is a jerk move. There are a bunch of options in between the two and it really just depends on the people involved and the situation.

      If you expected one option and they did the other, then the only way to address that is to talk to them about it. But they didn’t automatically do anything wrong, you may just have had different expectations and preferences, and that’s OK. It’s time to communicate!

    8. WellRed*

      I can’t even fathom not giving friend A a heads up that all these other friends are coming along as well.

  46. Ali + Nino*

    Do you have a tattoo you regret? Tell me about it! Have you had it covered up or removed – and if not, why not?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have a few that I probably wouldn’t have gotten in retrospect, but it’s not to the level of active regret and I don’t have any interest in covering or removing them, they’re on my back at a point where they aren’t terribly visible.

      I did have one covered up over ten years ago that was an homage to someone I thought was a friend and was not, like flat out lied to me when I said “Are we good enough friends that we’re both comfortable with this,” actively participated in the design (which included her handwriting), and then aggressively held it against me later, like telling people I had done it without her permission and she was angry about it. So I had that one covered up with another that I like way better :P

      I have several that I got as sort of themed group pieces with people that I am no longer in contact with, either just by having drifted apart or actively choosing to cut them out of my life, but at this point if I think about them at all, I just consider those memorials for the friendships they represented at the time, which were obviously important enough in my history that I wanted to commemorate them permanently.

      I don’t actually think about most of my tattoos very often though. The only ones I notice regularly are the ones on my forearms while I’m typing. The others are either on body parts I don’t look at very often, or I’m so used to seeing them that they don’t really “stand out” to me anymore.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Thanks for sharing! I don’t have any and am curious how people deal with having chosen something permanent on their body that no longer feels relevant.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I have 25. I got my first on my 18th birthday and my 16th (I think) on my 20th birthday, and the last time I went under the needle was when I was 35 I think. (I’m now 43.) To me, the exact thing might not still be relevant anymore, but it was at the time, and if I felt it was relevant enough to warrant permanent action at the time, then it was probably pretty key to my process of becoming who I am now.

          Similarly, I don’t REGRET either of my first two marriages, even though they were both inarguably poor decision-making skills on my part and I knew going into each of them that it was a bad idea and would not end well. But I learned a lot about myself from each of them, and had I not gone through those valleys, I would not be where I am today. (Literally, in fact. My second ex-husband was the one who introduced me to the group of friends that are why I am living in Indiana, including the one that I’ve now been married to for seven years.) In general, I try not to regret things I can’t change. It doesn’t really accomplish anything, and I did what I did for a reason, and doing it seemed like a good idea at the time with the information that I had. I can’t undo it, all I can do is learn from it and move on. No point in stressing about past dodgy decisions. :)

      2. Sloanicota*

        Definitely agree the visibility is key. Mine are all on my back and I honestly forget I have them most of the time. I would never bother to remove any of them even if they didn’t feel super relevant any more, but I do also think of them as memorials to the time and place in my life where they were meaningful. Luckily, they’re not pop culture themed. The only person I know who truly regrets hers picked a Harry Potter motif.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          This is how I feel about posters t-shirts etc. that I just haven’t been able to bring myself to throw out hey, theyre from a certain point in my life and still meaningful even if I choose not to wear/display them. but to always have that reminder on my body would be really bothersome to me personally.

    2. YNWA*

      I had my very first one covered up because it never healed properly (lost a lot of color) and I wanted something different. The tattoo wasn’t very large so it wasn’t an issue. Other than that, the other 20 I have I love and have no regrets.

    3. dapfloodle*

      I don’t regret any of the 6 tattoos I have, maybe because I didn’t start getting them until I was 24 or 25 (I’m currently in my 40s)? Probably getting another one pretty soon as well.

  47. Substacks*

    Can someone explain Substacks? Is it like a blog platform? How is it different from say, WordPress? Sorry I am feeling dense and out of step with the culture.

    1. Reba*

      It is like WordPress, i.e. it’s a blogging platform, with intellectual pretensions and a subscription feature built in! (Said with affection for a number of substacks) Writers can choose to have free content, subscriber only content, or a combination. I am sure there are add ons to WordPress that can handle subscriptions as well, but for Substack it’s right there.
      Substack has also contracted with writers to get them to use the platform, which has resulted in some internet controversies over who they chose to work with and profit from (Ken White has a good write up about that on his yes, substack, the Popehat Report).

  48. MomNeedsFriends*

    How do women in their early 50s make friends? My mom needs help and I don’t know how to help her. She left an abusive marriage 10 years ago and threw herself into raising my sister and going to all of my sister’s activities. My sister just started college and my mom comes home and cries most nights if I’m not doing something with her because she’s lonely. She reconnected with some college friends this summer but feels like they’re all too old because they have grandkids and are talking about retirement.
    So where and how do middle-aged ladies make friends? She also doesn’t have a lot of money, so taking a class, etc. is probably not possible.

    1. ThatOtherClare*

      Organised options:
      – volunteering
      – free community groups
      – outdoor sports/hobbies with an attached community
      – games like bridge
      – working a few hours a week at somewhere like a thrift store

      Casual options:
      – fly a kite at a local park
      – community events
      – chat to people whilst window shopping/people watching at a local market
      – join an online community

      But crying from lonliness most nights is a sign that she’s still not healed from the trauma of her marriage, and could really benefit from seeing a therapist. Healthy people are able to enjoy their own company and make the choice to seek connections from a place of fullness, not feel compelled to seek them from a place of lack. It’s not her fault. Abuse causes damage. But sometimes time doesn’t properly heal the wound, and when you’re stuck hobbling around on a broken leg that healed sideways there’s nothing that can be done until you seek professional help. I wish your Mom the best of luck in learning to find the greatest joy in her own company, and plenty of low-stakes adventures on her people-meeting escapades!

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      It may help to separate the idea of “friends” from “get involved in activities.” Friendship is hard to create and navigate at any age but gets exponentially harder as we get older. So maybe just focus on helping her find activities that are social and a little enjoyable. There will be lots of people who come and go as she explores options, and 90% of them won’t ever rise to friend status. But they can be neighbors, companions, acquaintances, and just … well, fellow humans participating in a thing she does. And maybe, with time, one or two will grow into friendships.

      In the meantime, it sounds like she just needs to get into some new routines! Book clubs and other library activities are great no-cost options. Most towns have a community center with free or reduced rates for people without means for a paid membership, and I can guarantee you there are lots of middle-aged folks doing things like walleyball, water aerobics, and line dancing.

      Church or other faith community is huge. HUGE. Even if she’s not very religious, finding a place of worship that at least somewhat aligns with her beliefs will be a lifeline. There are all kinds of small groups and volunteer opportunities to get involved with, and it’s a regular thing that doesn’t end after a 7-week session, like a class would. And if you can, attend services with her the first few times and then again every so often after that. Being able to introduce her kid to her church-buddies can cement her sense of belonging there.

      It sounds like she’s pretty lonely and depressed. Supporting her in articulating her interest and finding her own motivation to actually get moving on any of this will be tough. Inertia is a powerful force and loneliness can be paralyzing (and it can suck you as her loved one in too!) So be as light and gentle as you can, and try to do things with her at the start to help her ease in.

      1. fposte*

        I agree with all of this, especially the emphasis on the importance of “weak ties,” as sociologists call them. People to know and exchange greetings with matter hugely even if they wouldn’t drive you to the airport. Also, volunteering, whether secular or religious, is great because you’re the person giving something; it immediately frames you as someone with something valuable.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Thirding the expansion of weak ties.

          Routines help. You encounter other people doing routines that have overlap.

      2. I've Been There*

        It sounds as if she could use some support groups. There are a lot of twelve step programs that deal with relationships – Alanon if there was an alcoholic component to the abusive marriage, Codependents Anonymous given how involved she has been with your sister, but there are many others, and I’m sure there are other groups out there. The groups themselves will help with the underlying issues and I’ve made many friends there. Twelve step groups are self supporting through voluntary contributions so there is no heavy expense involved. I can’t recommend them enough.
        I’m not restricting this suggestion to twelve step groups but that’s where my experience has been. I’m sure there are also other programs that could fill this need for her.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Does she want to make friends? Or, perhaps more precisely, does she want to address this issue of crying every night unless you’re interacting with her? It’s very loving of you to want to help her not feel so sad, which is what I think your question is really getting at, but this might not be a job you can or should undertake.

      Do you have friends? Do you have a good support system? Do you feel able to have age-appropriate experiences even though your mom is sometimes sad when you’re not home? Whether you’re an adult living at home for economic or cultural reasons, or a school-age person, do you feel confident that when you decide to move out, you’ll be able to do that without undue internal or external pressure?

      I suggest that you check out Captain Awkward’s very good posts on family and on navigating relationships where one person is experiencing life challenges. If you can access professional support through your employment or school, you might want to do that.

      In terms of your mother and friends/activities: worship communities, animal volunteer, local YMCA/park district/public library classes or activities. Some of my local bars and music clubs have interesting themed “nights” such as swing night or ska music night. That would probably take a willingness on her part to pop in alone or with a new friend, but it might be something to keep in mind if she starts to branch out.

    4. Morning Reader*

      I’m a little past middle age but I have the same problem. For me, going to events, classes, volunteering, I now have friendly acquaintances, people who know my name and I know theirs, but no one I socialize with outside of activities, yet. It’s enough to fill my need for socialization, though. I’d recommend a regular connection with the old friends, a weekly phone call or daily text, so she gets some of that people-who-know-me-deeply connection along with regular lighter activities.
      Nothing has to cost much. If you can afford it, perhaps give her memberships to places she might like. (I’m a member at the botanical garden and the art center, both under $50 annually.) The senior center and the library are good options too. I’m going to a “speed friending” session at the library next week, hoping to meet some new folks. Not sure if anything will take, but, it’s something new to try.
      I wish her luck. I wonder if she’s depressed or otherwise lacks confidence to do things on her own? Uncertain how to be close with someone who’s not abusive, or worried she will end up repeating the pattern? Perhaps therapy, or, you could join her on some activities until she knows a few people and is more comfortable going by herself?

    5. tangerine dreams*

      I found meet-up groups for topics I’m vaguely interested in was good for making friends. A friend moved to a new country at 57 – volunteering with community cleanup day introduced a lot of new people. The community centers where I live offer a lot of free talks, as does the library.

    6. Texan In Exile*

      Middle-aged woman here who moved to a new city 16 years ago – a city where most people have had the same friends since kindergarten.

      It’s hard! I still don’t have a friend I would qualify as “best” or even “text to see if they want to hang out right now,” much less just drop by. I have met some great women at book clubs and the gym, but again, they already have their best friends.

      I do, however, have a ton of loose ties that could be developed. I meet really cool women volunteering, especially with the League of Women Voters (lots of super accomplished retired women who want to Do Something). I see these women at volunteer events but the League also has social events. (You do not have to be a member of the League to volunteer or attend an event.)

      I have discovered that I have to be The Inviter – that these lovely women are interested in doing things with me enough to say yes if I ask them but not enough to initiate things. (One of them thanked me for being The Inviter, saying she thinks about initiating things but then never does.)

    7. Anon Poster*

      The crying almost every night is really concerning, it sounds like your mom has been through a lot. You mentioned an abusive marriage, did she have anyone to talk things through with (therapist, support group, etc.) one she got herself out of that situation? If not, is that something she can look into now?

    8. Unkempt Flatware*

      Does she have health insurance that covers counseling? Because I think that’s the first thing she needs.

    9. Manders*

      All of the above, and also if she has any interest in classes, you can check out the local park and rec classes for your city, they are generally pretty inexpensive. Or possibly classes at the local junior college – they usually have some fun, low cost classes.

    10. PinkLady*

      I moved to a new city three years ago. I did not know anyone.
      One day, in the local Facebook group, a 50+ woman started a group that she was looking for friends to go for walks, activities, go for coffee, etc.
      So many women joined! Including me. I went to a few events that I enjoyed. And have made one friend from the group. We meet every other week for dinner.

      1. Sloanicota*

        This is a good reminder that sometimes you have to be the person who posts the message. I bet she felt self-conscious writing that. She worried nobody would come out. She wished someone else would start something she could just join instead. But eventually you decide you’d rather meet people than look cool.

    11. MomNeedsFriends*

      Addressing some of the questions/suggestions:
      We do have a faith community. Unfortunately there’s not really anyone her age she connects with (she complains they all seem “old”) and she’s also an employee and feels like she can’t get close to anyone. It’s also not necessarily a community that’s been super accepting of divorce.
      She has lots and lots of “weak ties” since she’s a teacher. I think she’s looking for people who want to do stuff, but most of the people her age she knows don’t want to do stuff/only do things with their husbands.
      I’ve suggested joining a gym or a book club, or volunteering, but I think she doesn’t want to go to these things alone and I think she’s pretty tired after teaching all day. I have also suggested counseling, even if it’s just short term.
      I do live with her, so I do feel some guilt when I leave her alone at night. I think that’s probably when she cries. I haven’t seen or heard her do it. I also do a lot of things with her.
      It sounds like I’m suggesting a lot of the right things, and just need to keep making these suggestions until something takes hold.

    12. dapfloodle*

      So there was a Captain Awkward post I thought would be really helpful, but I can’t find it, unfortunately. I remember it being about making new friends after moving to a small town (which I know doesn’t exactly apply to your mom, but I thought the suggestions were good), but didn’t find anything with those or similar search terms). I’m sure other people have mentioned that most libraries have classes and events that are fun and free, and that usually the other folks in those classes would be up for some friendly conversation before or after (my library does have a couple of book clubs that meet in the evenings, so these aren’t just daytime activities). A specific suggestion I remember from that post is becoming a regular somewhere. Even if your town doesn’t have a cool local coffee shop to hang out at or whatever, you could still go to the local fast food restaurant or whatever and get a coffee or soda and hang out for awhile on a regular basis, then people will learn your name and talk to you and all of that.

      1. dapfloodle*

        I just read your update. I understand that your mother is reluctant to do activities to help with loneliness. I just wanted to mention one personal experience, which wouldn’t exactly apply to her but could be helpful as an example… when I read the Captain Awkward post that I’m referencing, someone in the comments mentioned the Jaycees (a group that wouldn’t fit for your mom due to age, but did for me at the time). The first Jaycees meeting after that was either the day of or the day after a really devastating personal event for me. I made myself go anyway because the loneliness was so bad and I didn’t want to wait another month. That was around 10 years ago. I met a very nice woman at that Jaycees meeting and we are still friends to this day! My husband and I are meeting up with her and her fiance for dinner in a couple of days, in fact! So the thing is, these random community activities can lead to lasting friendships, even if one is going through a hard time!

  49. Safari Settings are where exactly?*

    Can someone explain in detail how to locate Safari > Settings on a Mac? I’m an occasional Mac user and it’s the only environment in which I use Safari — normally I’m on Windows using Firefox — and I cannot figure out how to get to that settings page. I’ve googled it, and the response is to go to Safari > Settings, but they don’t say how to do that. I need really step-by-step, assume-I-know-nothing directions.

    My end goal is to be able to change a page’s font size in Safari, which would be the zoom setting in Firefox.

    1. acmx*

      I only have an ipad but there you click the gear icon (settings) then scroll to Safari and the look for page zoom.

    2. Roland*

      So when you’re in Safari, the first item in your menu bar will be labeled “Safari”, before File and Edit. That menu has an item labeled Settings. This is true for pretty much any app on a mac. Also, cmd+comma will open the settings menu in most mac apps.

      What might be tripping you up as a windows user is that the menu bar for mac apps is always at the edge of the screen, not attached to the window you’re looking at.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      There are two ways to get there.

      1. In the very top-left corner of your screen, you’ll see an Apple symbol. Right next to the Apple symbol, you should see the word Safari. Click on the word Safari, and then click on Settings.

      or

      2. While you have Safari open and in focus, on your keyboard, locate the command key (it’s to the left or right of the space bar). Press that and hold it, and then press the comma key on your keyboard.

    4. Safari Settings are where exactly?*

      You-all have given me wonderfully clear directions, thank you! I’m back on my Windows machine now (ah, bliss!) and will email these instructions to myself so I can easily find them and follow them when I’m on the Mac again.

      While I’m asking … is there a Notepad app for Mac? If there are several, which is/are the most like Notepad in Windows?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        There is, called “TextEdit” in your Applications folder. It can be a little more featured than Notepad – it defaults to RTF rather than plain text unless you change that in your settings (again, go to the menu bar item that is the same as the application name and “Settings” should be under it) but if you change it to plain text it’s pretty similar to the Windows Notepad (pre-11 at least — Notepad in Windows 11 is a little different to earlier versions, with the tabs and such).

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I am on Safari. If I click on “Safari” at the top left of my screen, the third option under it is “Settings.”

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Also, I just double-checked and “command =” makes the font bigger, while “command -” makes the font smaller.

  50. Vermilion_owl*

    Have you tried the “Command +” keyboard shortcut? On a Mac, the command key is just to the left or right of the spacebar. If you press the Command key and then simultaneously press the + key (at the top right of the keyboard) it generally increases the font size/zooms in on the webpage. To reduce the font size, press Command and – .

  51. I’m panicking*

    Help! Hopefully this won’t get buried in the open thread… lol. I left a volunteer group last year, a pta-like group. Things were getting “political “; a lot of back and forth. The group blamed me for everything, right or wrong no one wanted to figure things out. I left. I now volunteer with a similar group with the same cause. I never brought up what happened to mutual friends. I tried to keep the line so no one had to choose sides. Now I am attending a kids birthday party where some of the group will be. Obviously we’re all going to celebrate the birthday child. I’m so worried about things happening – our disagreements being told. Good friends thinking I’m a failure; my child being “punished”. What do I do?!

    1. Morning Reader*

      Do you have a good friend in the new group that you could ask for support? So if there is a circle of chatting friends that includes old group, they could do a topic change or diversion or simply, “oh, let’s not rehash that, how about them Cubs?” Alternatively one of the hosts, although they might be too busy to notice. No need to give details, “there was some drama in old group and I’d like to avoid anyone bringing it, spoiling the party.”

    2. RagingADHD*

      You go to the party, smile at everyone, keep your distance from people who were formerly hostile, and don’t start anything.

      If anyone from the old group tries to apologize and make up, say thank you and say that you can talk about it more later.

      If anyone tries to start something negative, stay in full view of most of the guests and say, “You’re entitled to your opinion, but this isn’t the time or place.” Then walk away.

      That’s presuming you were not the one behaving badly in the former incident. If you said and did things you are rightfully embarrassed about because they were mean or hurtful, then smile and keep your distance, but apologize if someone approaches you.

      If the host is allowing someone to be mean to your child, leave. I think that’s very unlikely.

      I doubt anyone outside the group is interested in the details of what the old group disagreed about. And anyone who would consider you “failed” for leaving a volunteer group that was mired in internal politics and couldn’t get anything done, they clearly don’t have much volunteer experience.

  52. Corporation Refugee*

    It was Bus (and trolley) day at The Illinois Railway Museum Saturday.

    So … we took our still trains-obsessed adult child and all the grand kiddies who wanted to go there yesterday.

    It’s a great place if you’re into that sort of thing.

    And I found a used book (“Railroads Triumphant”) I had been looking for.

  53. StudentA*

    Have you seen any docs or docueseries lately that you can recommend? I do enjoy true crime, but it can be anything well-made.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I haven’t seen anything by Ken Burns that I didn’t find well-done; my favorite of his is The Emperor of All Maladies about the history of cancer research and treatment. I also highly recommend The Poisoner’s Handbook, based on the book of the same name, about the development of forensic science.

      I’m right this moment watching Six Schizophrenic Brothers on Investigation Discovery (which is a true crime channel through Discovery+) and it’s also quite interesting, though I’m only halfway through.

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