{ 820 comments… read them below }

    5. Bookgarden*

      After several weeks of struggles with prior authorization delayed, and difficulties with delivery, I finally got my medicine to treat my newly diagnosed ADHD. I’m not new to prescription struggles (Type 1 Diabetes in the US for 40+ years) but it’s always a relief when these things finally work out. Unfortunately, the plan only covers about 25% of the prescription, but at least it’s a generic so not terribly expensive.

        1. Bookgarden*

          Thank you! I feel such a relief knowing there is a cause for the broken Rube Goldberg device that makes up thoughts and that I can work on sorting it all out with meds and therapy.

    6. Reindeer Hut Hostess*

      My husband is home after two weeks in the hospital…one of which was in ICU. He was about ready to give up, but all he needed was time for the super-antibiotics to work.

    7. chocolate muffins*

      We got my son some magna tiles and he LOVES playing with them, absolutely adores it, and it is adorable to see.

    8. GoryDetails*

      New season of Great British Bake Off just started on Netflix!

      The opening skit was as cringe-worthy as I’ve come to expect, but the show itself is as charming as ever; quirky, diverse, appealing bakers, with some very challenging bakes. The showstopper this time was for illusion cakes, of the “is it real or is it cake” variety, and several people managed excellent results. The champ was the woman who made a representation in cake of her pet duck, and I swear the thing looked like it was about to quack and waddle off!

    11. WoodswomanWrites*

      A co-worker and I from a job years ago always hit it off but never had a chance to get together based on our conflicting schedules, Covid, etc. I left there four years ago and hadn’t seen her since. When I took a short vacation north on the rural California coast where she lives last weekend, I visited and spent the night there. She’s now happily retired. We had so much fun talking that we stayed up until way late. A short walk from her house took us to a stretch of rugged cliffs and the Pacific beach below with no one else there. Stunning.

    12. Middle Name Jane*

      My 14 year old cat has had more energy lately and seems to be feeling good. She’s been chasing toy mice, and even got up on the top level of her cat condo tonight. I’m 5’7, and it’s slightly taller than me. I keep a chair next to it, which she uses to help jump.

      1. Lala*

        could you please let me know what kind this is? I’m starting to think about this type of thing again, and would appreciate recommendations. the last one I bought was an expensive disaster.

        1. Middle Name Jane*

          I’m sorry, I don’t know. I bought it in 2005 at Petsmart. It’s sturdy and was in one solid piece (no assembly required).

      1. Saturday*

        I gotta do that this year – love flannel. And I’m looking for things that will make me less sad that summer’s leaving, and this should help!

    14. Cookies For Breakfast*

      My weekly volleyball game was great fun. I managed to get two overhead serves over the net, and even scored a point with one. This is a big deal to me: it’s the one skill from my local league-playing past I can’t seem to relearn (it was also one of my weaknesses back then, so no surprises I guess!).

        1. English Rose*

          Thanks for asking. So I record the passing days visually. I have a blank journal with thick pages and in it I glue photos I take of the sky, the woods etc., and things like pressed flowers, dried leaves, all seasonal. Sometimes sticking together a few journal pages and carving a niche into them to fit 3-d things like twigs. Plus adding words – often fragments of poetry – that I come across. Maybe a bit of collage. Some people paint pictures, but that’s not my strong suit. It’s a lovely way of looking back afterwards. Literally on the first page of this one, and it will be interesting to see where it takes me.

    16. Sloanicota*

      Going to the Renaissance Festival! Love to get a lil dressed up and celebrate autumn. So grateful our local one is not held in mid-summer, which is a rather unpleasant time here.

    17. BellaStella*

      I live where the cows come down from alpine pastures this time of year. Today I volunteered in my village at La Désalpe (des alpe, from the mountains) picking up trash and cleaning and tending the recycling. Great fun but walked 10 full miles in the loop around town in 5 hours so I am tired.

    18. Nona Selah*

      Grateful that the hurricane passed us by (the original forecast had it heading straight toward us) and now we have some glorious cooler weather after all that rain.

    19. Elizabeth West*

      I have not seen any mice, although I thought I saw a poo — is it old? is it new? Unknown! So my food is still locked away in inaccessible cabinets and containers. But while mouse-proofing, I rearranged my kitchen so things fit a little better, which was a nice and unintended benefit. :)

    20. OhHiOh*

      I officially debuted my chosen name this week.

      Won a friendly baking competition at my synagogue with a challah loaf last night.

    21. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      Had a long overdue haircut at a new salon this morning and liked it better than my old one.
      Had a BLT for lunch with one of the last tomatoes from my Mom’s garden.

    22. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’ve been doing the decluttering challenge with Cas from Clutterbug on YouTube. It’s only five minutes per day (or five things) in the area specified for the day. She is a total hoot and is doing it along with you in her videos. It’s amazing how much lighter my house looks and feels!

    24. anon24*

      I got my apartment cleaned yesterday and finished the rough draft of a research paper that has been the bane of my existence and had the rest of last night off to be at home and be with my cats for the first night in 2 weeks (night shifter). I stayed up all night playing Baldur’s Gate 3 and drinking unhealthy amounts of iced tea. At some point just before dawn my cat had jumped up on my desk and was demanding pets. There were leaves falling on the corners of the screen in the game and my brain had a split second to register that “hey, that leaf is not on the screen, its in front of it, wtf?” when my cat went crazy chasing the “leaf” that was actually a moth. He had a great time navigating around all my nerdy collectibles and squeezing behind my computer monitory chasing the moth and didn’t even knock anything over. The moth got away in the end, but he remained vigilant for its return until we decided to go to bed :)

    25. Writerling*

      Meeting up with a friend after a few months, getting a care package from another friend, and getting some feedback on my writing!

    26. Valancy Stirling*

      Got my first paycheck from my new classes! I can finally pay off my credit card debt that I built up while unemployed.

    27. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Without getting into the specifics, I had a discussion about politics with my dad that went remarkably well and he told me about a decision he made that both surprised me and also made me very proud of him.

    28. Dancing Otter*

      I have somewhere to live!

      Back-story: I told my landlord in August that I would not renew my lease that ends 10/31. But finding a new apartment that meets all my needs and enough of my wants turned out to be more of a challenge than I expected. One actually had steps up from the handicapped parking to the entrance: now there’s someone unclear on the concept.

      Came down to three places. The first I toured was so-so, the second was snatched up by someone else, and the third … I have a very common surname, and when they went to verify my ability to afford the place, they apparently pulled another person’s report.

      A person with a score of only 75 – when I spoke to Resident Verify after getting the bad news, they said I scored 97, but the apartment manager wouldn’t accept the file Resident Verify gave me, oh, no.

      FINALLY, I convinced them to re-download the file through their portal, and lo and behold, I was telling the truth. So I signed a lease yesterday, and I shall not be reduced to living in my car.

    31. Old Plant Woman*

      Walking out to my garden this morning in the sun and the cool breeze, I thought this moment is so perfect. Maybe my reward for all of those times… Too much drama for me before coffee. But it sure was nice

    33. dapfloodle*

      A local witchy store has nice jewelry and I always look at the rings, but so far they’ve never been quite right, too big, too small, too expensive, etc, etc. I was off on Friday and went by on a whim, and got a really nice silver hedgehog ring with amber (the amber is kind of the hedgehog’s belly), that was only a little over $30. So I’m glad I stopped by!

    34. Becky S*

      At the gas station ( they pump it for you here in NJ) I handed the attendant what I thought was the exact amount. He frowned a little, which I didn’t understand because I was sure I”d given him enough. Then he handed back a $20 – I gave him too much! I probably wouldn’t have figured it out. Honesty and consideration from someone I don’t know – wow!

    35. Clisby*

      My little bog babies are still thriving.

      I have a pitcher plant and a Venus flytrap in a big pot in my backyard (I got them back in May, I think), and they’re growing and seemingly healthy.

      I’ve never caught them eating bugs, but I have to assume they do, or they’d be dead by now.

  3. Strive to Excel*

    Question for folks with kids!

    I’m right at the stage where a number of my friends are starting families, but I have not yet. Naturally this means that we have less time to see each other since their schedules are tighter and since I do not have children yet we have fewer conversational topics. I’d still like to stay close to these friends. So for those commenters with children: what is the best way to stay connected with you? Do you want outings with friends who are flexible about having small children around? Or would you prefer fewer but childfree outings to have a Space To Be Me? Are there other ways to stay good friends – not best friends, but not just christmas card acquaintance – that you have particularly found helpful?

    My best option is to go to my friends and ask them, but I’m bad enough with social cues that I’d like to have some expectations for myself before I dive in.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      As a childfree person who’s closest local friends have four children 5-11 – we go both ways. Obviously if I go to their house, the kids are likely to be there, but they’re pretty good about entertaining themselves without always being underfoot so adults can play a board game or something. (They do also occasionally send the kids off to grandparents for the weekend.) My dog is not super fond of kids (not aggressive, she just hasn’t ever spent time around kids and she’s a grumpy ten year old who doesn’t like change or ruckus) so if they come to my house, generally no kids. If we go out, probably kids, but not always. Most of our hangouts are at their place.

    2. Jackalope*

      My experience as a person without kids but lots of friends with kids is that flexibility is helpful. Most of my friends with kids (FWKs) need to have me come to them, at least when the kiddos are little. Being able to work around sleep times (either naps or evening bedtime) in whatever way is helpful can be good; check and see if they want you to drop by for dinner and leave at bedtime, or drop by after bedtime, for example.

      Another thing is to be gracious about being interrupted a lot. Parents with young kids in particular have to be ready for distractions at no notice; if you’re okay with having an outing in the park where your conversation keeps getting interrupted by the kids rather than getting frustrated and impatient, that’s super helpful.

      And also, take an interest in their kids to some extent. At the very least, listen to them talking about their kids – for a long time the kids are going to be a big focus for them, and if you can listen and be interested, or if you can play with them for a bit when parents have to run to the bathroom or something, that can go a long way towards helping keep things going well with you and your friendship. Doesn’t mean all you talk about are kids, but be willing to discuss them.

      Last, most of my FWKs preferred doing something with me and the kiddos, but I liked to offer both. That way they didn’t have to find childcare, but they knew that if they needed a night out then they could call me and I’d be there.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        As another person without kids but who has lots of friends with kids, I second the “expect to be interrupted a fair bit” advice. Most of my best friends lived far away, and until their kids were about five years old or so, we got frequently interrupted when we were on the phone. I just learned to expect shorter phone calls for a few years, but after the kids got a little older, we got to have longer talks. Try not to take it personally if friends have to cut a conversation or an outing short to take care of their kids — things will better when the kids are older, and I’m sure your friends will deeply appreciate your understanding.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        And I agree with the “be willing to go to them” advice as well. I spent some nice weekends staying over with friends and family when their kids were very little. I just learned to expect that most of our time would be spent interacting with the kids (again, something that will change the older the kids get).

      3. WoodswomanWrites*

        All of this. My friends were cooking anyway and they enjoyed having me over for dinner even it was a bit of chaos. Sometimes we went to the playground where the kids were occupied. They could keep on eye on the kids, and simultaneously welcomed having an adult conversation with someone who wasn’t their spouse.

        I know they also appreciated that I interacted with their kids directly. Although nearly my entire career has been associated with K-12 outdoor education in one way or another, true confession…I am not a fan of babies and toddlers. When people I know ask if I’d like to hold them, the answer is always no. But I still interact with them by making faces, getting them to laugh, etc.

        I’m at an age where people are having grandchildren, so the two kids I mention above are now young adults. I can happily say they still are glad to see me even if it’s been a long time.

      4. Jellyfish Catcher*

        As child, I looked forward to my parents’ friends, that took time to talk with me. If you and the parents are close friends for years, kids become more interesting as they grow. You may end up with another generation of friendships and/or be an “honorary” aunt or uncle.

        Be flexible – parents are overworked and kids can go from having fun to overtired in a second. Bring a simple edible treat – deviled eggs, etc.
        Start reading to kids early and it’s a a chill, quiet time for all.
        Share your interests as they grow. I’m a hobby artist and enjoy showing kids easy, fun art effects and save special paper for them.
        For messy stuff, (cookie making, art) get old adult shirts , cut the sleeve lengths down to kid size, and pop the shirt over their clothes.
        I learned that from my parents; even as a grandparent now , I still miss them.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          That’s a great point from the kids’ perspective! I too appreciated my parents’ friends who took me seriously as someone to chat with, even when I was small.

          And yeah, reading to a kid can be awesome both for you and for the kid! When kids are pretty small, a book that they can interact with, like *The Monster at the End of this Book* can be a lot of fun (plot summary: Grover from Sesame Street keeps pleading with the kid not to turn the next page because there is a MONSTER at the end of the book. The monster turns out to be “Just me, lovable furry old Grover. I am so embarrassed . . . .”)

            1. Observer*

              LOL!

              That’s one thing to be prepared for – young kids have no concept of a spoiler. They will have you read and re-read the SAME exact story a bazillion times, and if you forget to exclaim “Oh no! What is Suzie going to do!?” at the appropriate time, they WILL remind you!

    3. Washi*

      This is such a a sweet question! I have a toddler and am expecting my second.

      The #1 thing I appreciate from childfree friends is that they keep reaching out to me. I kind of only feel comfortable initiating plans these days if I’m proposing something kid free, which isn’t as easy to do as when I had zero kids. So I appreciate friends reaching out to make plans, whether it’s including my kid or not.

      From having my own and from seeing other friends’ kids, the baby stage isn’t too bad since most babies are happy being walked in some way, and it’s then fully possible to have an uninterrupted conversation. And then around 4-5 kids start to reliably understand the concept of playing independently. But ages 1.5 – 3 need constant vigilance and are honestly pretty annoying to most people who don’t have a toddler themselves. So at this point I mostly see my friends separately from my son.

      The only thing I really find annoying that pops up sometimes is when people say “when I was a kid my mom would never let me be a picky eater/interrupt/etc” as a benchmark for how my 2yo should be behaving. If you can clearly remember it, most likely you were 4+, which is a very different stage!

      But otherwise I’m so lucky to have friends who still include me and are interested in my life as a parent but also give me space to be a separate adult again. Just from this question you’re going to do great!

      1. PostalMixup*

        In the vein of reaching out, don’t be afraid to be the one to initiate phone calls! I’m not going to call a friend if I know I only have 10 min to talk. But I will happily talk to that same friend for 10 min if she calls me, and often I’ll put off the laundry or go hide in my bedroom to get an extra few minutes to chat. I stopped hearing from most of my friends once I had kids.

      2. Observer*

        he only thing I really find annoying that pops up sometimes is when people say “when I was a kid my mom would never let me be a picky eater/interrupt/etc” as a benchmark for how my 2yo should be behaving.

        Yes. But also, maybe your mother was wrong. Or maybe your mother would have reacted differently if you were a different kid, etc.

        I would generalize this a bit. Try to avoid commentary on your friends’ parenting. And if you really need to say something please try to make sure that you’re basing yourself on something solid. And by solid I do *not* mean the latest theory du jour.

    4. California Dreamin’*

      I have a best friend that was still single without kids when my oldest was born. She was such a good friend during those early years… she probably had to be very flexible and patient while I was more focused on my role as a mom, but she always kept in touch even if she had to do more of the reaching out and always was an interested, loving adult to my child. She actually was one of the very first people (I think Maybe the first) that we left our newborn alone with. She came over and held him while my husband and I walked around the block just so we could get out of the house for a minute and so I could practice being away from my child.
      She later married and then she and I ended up having kids in the same year, so we started getting together weekly with our kids. Dont get to see her as much now that we are in the teen years, but It’s one of my most treasured friendships!

    5. HannahS*

      I appreciate flexibility, and it changed depending on my child’s age. When she was tiny, I just wanted someone to come over and sit with me. When she was a little older, I would leave her with my husband and go for a short walk with my friend. Now, I feel comfortable going out for dinner with my friends.

      I find it stressful to be out and about with my daughter if I’m also trying to socialize for myself. I definitely thought I would be “come hang out with my and my kid!” kind of parent, but I happen to have a very active, energetic child in a non-child-friendly neighborhood and when I’m out, keeping her safe occupies most of my attention. And my friends without kids aren’t used to the rhythm of conversation that happens when you’re chasing after / being interrupted by a toddler (with the exception of my friend who is a nanny.) So I tend to make plans that are later in the evening, mostly around/after shes in bed.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, also another thing, relevant to your concern about social cues. Often, people’s social capacity changes when they have children, because infant-care is time-consuming and exhausting (and may come with other challenges.) I have found–both with my friends to me when I had a child, and also me to others when they’ve had a child–it’s better to be more directive than you might be otherwise. So instead of tentatively reaching out or asking for guidance, I think it’s better to say something like, “I would like to see you and baby. Could I pick up a meal and bring it to you sometime? I am free on Mondays at lunch, Thursdays after 5, and all day Sunday.” I certainly appreciated that approach, and I find that others do too, in the first few months.

        1. TeaCoziesRUs*

          YES THIS!!! I know what the kids’ schedule is… and if you give me 2-3 times during the week, I’m much more likely to want to hang out. :)

    6. chocolate muffins*

      Toddler parent here and I co-sign everything above. When my kid was a baby, the way I saw friends was to have them come over with food that we would eat with my baby there and/or when he was asleep (though often, when he was asleep, I also wanted to be asleep). We also took walks together with him in the stroller.

      Now I have some kid-time with friends and some adults-only time. The kid time is all of us hanging out together at the park, or all of us going to brunch together, something like that. It is a lot of interruptions but also a lovely way for me to see my friends. A lot of this is last minute – like, I will text when we are heading out to the park, and if they’re free and want to join, great! If it doesn’t work out that time, I’ll text another time, but I don’t know in advance when my son will be ready to leave the house so it’s hard to plan in advance. The brunch outing was me texting a friend “we are on our way to brunch now, would you like to join us?”

      My husband and I have specific times that each of us is responsible for our kid. We sometimes do things together, the three of us, but even then one person is the main parent on duty. The times I hang out with friends and without my kid are when my husband is the parent on duty. Those are predictable in advance so we can make plans, and it is sometimes nice for me to have time with other adults only and out of my house. Not all families set up their childcare this way, but for me personally it is nice when friends reach out to me to see if/when I’d like to get together, and/or for them to text and say they’re free for a park visit with my child and me on Saturday between 9 and noon (or whatever) and then I can let them know when we’re heading out if we end up going to the park that Saturday morning. In other words, it is nice for people to reach out to me sometimes, and to be flexible, both in terms of what the time together looks like and in terms of reaching out multiple times before we’re finally able to make something happen.

    7. Part Time Lab Tech*

      Before kids are mobile, cafes are fine. Also, if partnered, choosing times when the other parent can parent means some child free activity.
      Once kids are mobile, bringing a meal to their place can work or sharing a plate at a park with a fenced playground can be good.
      Little kids are learning everything and can need constant attention so yeah, lots of tolerance for interruption is essential.

    8. Sloanicota*

      In my experience as the non-kid-having friend, what my kid-having friends would most appreciate from me is: I come over, with coffee or treats or a meal, to their house at a time of their choosing (they will direct around naptime/bedtime as necessary), I am pleasant and fun to the kids if they’re around, and I do not notice anything about the state of the house. We catch up and I don’t overstay my welcome. Now, I’m not always up for this, and I do tend to make more plans with other non-kid-having friends, but this is the most reliable way to stay in touch with new parents I love and want to stay close to.

      1. Observer*

        I do not notice anything about the state of the house.

        LOL!

        Yes, thank you! Everything will be a *lot* more pleasant if you don’t notice that stuff, unless something is actually dangerous.

    9. I didn't say banana*

      If you’re willing, meet them at a park. The adults can sit in the fresh air and drink a coffee while the kids play (but, as above, expect to be interrupted). Also, I know people are suggesting flexibility and that’s so helpful, but also having a routine can take a lot of the mental load of “what day? what time?”. I met my kid free friend at a cafe next to a park at 8am every Saturday, and it worked really well for us.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        I think the weekly coffee date, sans kids, sounds great!
        A park date sounds lovely, depending on the kids/their ages. I feel I have to be very hands-on and attentive with my own kids at the park, just because of their personalities, so I find it stressful to socialize like that (depending on the park). When in doubt, ask your friend.

    10. allathian*

      In my main friend group, I was the last one to find the man I wanted to start a family with. I tried to be flexible and to accept that our talks were going to be a bit disjointed with one or more small children around. When my son was born, most of my friends already had children. But with my childfree friends, I really appreciated having someone around who’d done really interesting things while I was in my mom bubble, and who valued my qualities as a friend even when I couldn’t necessarily always give them my full attention. But as our kids grew, I started to really enjoy our ladies’ dinners. Sure, we talk about our kids some of the time, but mostly other stuff.

    11. Emma*

      My favorite is when a friend is willing to come over for dinner and all the chaos of dinner and bedtime, and then hang out after (like watch a movie or chat or play a board game). Or come over after bedtime. Bedtime it typically 7 or 8 for my kids – and it seems like it’s too late for many people to want to hang out after. But I do have 1 friend who has been willing to insert herself. We’ve also met at a playground, but that’s typically harder to have a conversation than when the kids are asleep. Many more interruptions.

      2. overcomposer*

        We have kids and are big board game people, which worked great when we were the only ones with kids! We often have friends come right at bedtime, one parent puts the kids to bed and the other welcomes guests, gets drinks, picks and sets up a game. Then we play. But once those friends started having kids we kind of stopped playing board games, now with the joy of our older kids playing with their younger ones instead.

    12. run mad; don't faint*

      As a parent, when my kids were little, I appreciated gatherings both with and without my kids. It was nice to be able to put down the responsibilities for a while and to feel fully focused on my friends and myself. It was also nice to just get out and see people with my kids in tow because I still got a chance to talk to adults about adult things.

      I agree with those who said flexibility was helpful. Not expecting your parent friends to be able to show up on short notice (even with the kids! sometimes you just can’t manage a quick turn around to get out of the house–and what a quick turn around consists of may be highly variable depending on what’s going on. And finding a baby sitter at short notice can be incredibly challenging too!), a willingness to compromise sometimes on where you meet: going somewhere more child friendly for instance, or coming over to visit instead of asking them to come out to meet you somewhere. Accepting that your friend may have to cut a visit short or cancel at the last moment because of kid issues like illness. Accepting that if the kids are there, there will be interruptions and your friend’s focus won’t be, can’t be entirely on your gathering.

      Things I appreciated: people asking us to supper or offering to bring food over to eat with us. Offering a meal for our freezer meant a lot, especially in the early days. People asking me out for something less time intensive, like coffee (with or without kids) was really nice, instead of trying to plan a full evening with me.

      I think being willing to take your cues from your parent friends, especially in the first year is helpful. And if you don’t know what they want on terms of socializing, it’s okay to ask.

    13. Hyaline*

      I would prefer one on one time with friends just like before kids. But the reality is that if you can be the friend who is willing to tagalong to the playground with a cup of coffee or go to the zoo along with me and the kids, it’s a lot more likely that I’ll be able to fit you into the schedule.

    14. Not Totally Subclinical*

      It varies so much depending on the age and number of the kids, whether your friend is an at-home parent or has childcare, whether your friend has evening/weekend childcare available, etc.

      I’ve had times where no childfree outing was happening, or where all my childfree outings were meeting a friend for lunch on a workday. I’ve had other times when I could take a few hours as a welcome break from my kids.

      You pretty much have to ask.

    15. MomofBigs*

      What a sweet friend you are!
      Great answers from the parents of littles here.
      Honorary aunt or uncle is so appreciated and will maintain your friendships for the long haul!
      My kids are just recently grown and flown and I so loved when they were 8-18 years old and my friends would come to a sports practice or a game and sit with me in the stands. It was a great time to connect and my kids loved having a cheering section! The high school musical was an excellent performance too and a cheap night out.
      I have several friends who are also great friends to my young adult kids because they showed up and did things with our family.

    16. TeaCoziesRUs*

      When your friends are NEW parents (i.e. under 6mos), the best gift you can possibly give them is time at their house, ESPECIALLY if you’re willing to boot a couple loads of laundry through, or catch up on dishes, or bring them food. When I was nursing, the babies wanted to be fed every couple hours (their stomachs are roughly the size of the first joint of an adult thumb). The friends who came over, cooed at the baby, chatted with me while helping fold the laundry (HOW does something so small generate SO MUCH laundry???), held onto the baby between feedings so I could get a shower or even rack out for a catnap? They kept me sane.

      Routine and rhythms are incredibly important for babies and toddlers, so take naptimes into account more than you would think.

      For friends with older kids, see if they’ll be willing to go see a kid movie in the theater. Inside Or 2 was fantastic… even more so seen through my 10 and 12 year olds. The cringe was so real, and visceral, for them. Any excuse to see a Pixar movie is a great one. If your friend has multiple kids, be willing to go with them to the zoo or museum or whatever as a second pair of hands, and enjoy the awe. A good friend of ours volunteered to meet us at Disney World – we ended up with 4 adults and 2 kids, which meant the adults could all pair of differently, and kids could split up with the adults wanting to go on roller coasters, or not. We got some great time with him alone, too.

      On the other hand, once my kids were weaned, I loved those weekends where I bribed a grandparent to watch the kids for a few days while I went on a trip with my sister or best friend. I need to schedule a few…

    17. Observer*

      what is the best way to stay connected with you?

      It’s very individual. But there are a few factors to consider. It really comes down to thinking about what the rest of their lives look like, for the most part. Like someone who works outside of the home 30-40 hours is less likely to need kid-free / truly adult time. Someone with a bit more money is more likely to be able to manage the logistics of childcare for kid-free events. Single parent vs spouse / SO with an extremely demanding job (or just not great about their part in child care) vs two parent household with both parents having flexibility and sense affects things.

      And that’s before you look at particular personalities.

      Do you want outings with friends who are flexible about having small children around? Or would you prefer fewer but childfree outings to have a Space To Be Me?

      Does it have to be either or? Can it be sometimes like this, sometimes like that?

    18. the Viking Diva*

      This is a little different take on the question you asked, but one way I stayed connected to friends as they had children was to offer some childcare on an evening I was free. I’d offer to take care of the kid and give the parents a bit of time off to go out for dinner or coffee or just take a walk together. I wanted to get to know the child as an independent being, not just through their parents, and I knew being new parents was hard on their time together too. Then I could share my own observations and stories about their child, they appreciated the break, and we’d hang out for a bit after they came home. They saw that I was comfortable with kid chaos and impromptu hangouts and were more likely to invite me over too. One of those kids, now fully grown, still enjoys hearing my memories of her as a baby.

      1. Moths*

        I’m just getting a chance to read the weekend thread and I know most probably won’t see this response, but I just wanted to say how amazing this is! As a single parent with a toddler and a young baby, a friend offering to watch the kids for an evening and put them to bed while I ran an errand alone or caught up on work or literally anything else alone is the greatest gift that I can think of. And that’s in addition to your point about how beautiful it is for your adult friends to have their own relationship with your kids. I have a handful of volunteer aunts and uncles, but they all live too far away to be able to do this without an airplane flight (too much to ask). But if one of my friends close by volunteered this, it would be so meaningful to me!

    19. Samwise*

      My baby is now six feet tall and lives 700 miles away, but when he was little, i always was grateful for friends who’d say: I want to see you! I’ll bring bagels and fixings, what time on Saturday or Sunday is good for you?

      Or the friend with a teen who said, Pete can watch [son] while we go out for brunch/shopping/a hike (and yes, they paid Pete to babysit)

    20. BlueJay*

      We were the first in our circle to have kids, so have benefited from some wonderful generosity on this front! I definitely echo others that making specific proposals works better than saying “I’d love to see you”. Texts saying “do you want to do a, b, or nothing together this week? If nothing, can I have a picture of baby? Hope you’re well!” are so great, as are voice notes telling me your news. Things that worked great for us that you could offer:
      – can I swing by with a coffee and pastry for you?
      – can I come over and cook dinner for you?
      – can I come cuddle baby and we chat?
      – want to go for a walk together? (Especially good when kids are young enough to be happy in the buggy for an hour)
      – can I swing by once the kids are in bed for a quick drink / cup of tea?
      – I’d love to see you, what suits?

      And we actually prefer hosting dinner etc these days while the kids are asleep.

      Final note – general rule of thumb I go by is invite them to everything you would have previously but make it clear you’re not mad if they can’t make it, and suggest hangouts with baby as well.

    21. WorkingRachel*

      It really depends on their situation and the age of their kids/the kids’ specific temperament, but it’s great that you are asking and making the effort! I’m a single mom to an 8-month-old, and here’s what I’ve found so far:

      – The best way for me to see people is for them to come to my house, either during the day or after the baby is asleep for the night. Having people over during the transition from “awake” to “asleep” usually results in an overtired, cranky baby who will not sleep.
      – The other good option is weekend during the day activities. It’s actually better if they’re a little bit of a drive, since he will nap in the car and then have a good store of energy for a while.
      – It’s virtually impossible to go out in the evenings. He goes to sleep around 6 or 7, and will not go to sleep if he’s somewhere else, including, for the most part, other people’s homes. Sometimes I can push him until 8 if we’re out and about, but once that baby starts fussing, we need to be in the car heading home. I totally thought I would be taking my kid to trivia and that he’d sleep during it, lol.
      – Conditions change rapidly. 2 months ago he was going to sleep more around 8:30, now it’s 6. Restaurants worked fine for a while, but now he is into everything and wanting to move around. I still eat at restaurants, but it’s pretty exhausting wrestling a small alligator while also trying to feed myself.

  4. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading, and give or request recs.

    I enjoy reading books about traveling, and a series I love is called Travellers’ Tales. Right now I’m reading a book in their series about traveling to Cuba. It’s not a country I know a ton about, so it’s been fun to read.

    2. James Morris enjoyer*

      If you enjoy reading about traveling then I’d recommend anything by James Morris (The Great Port being a fantastic portrayal of 1960s New York). His books have a way of transporting you to a different time and place that I’ve rarely seen replicated by other writers.

      1. vegan velociraptor*

        Just a heads up that she transitioned and her name was Jan Morris for most of her life -her books were reissued under that name.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I finished Ann Patchett’s *Bel Canto*, about an international group of hostages and guerrillas who bond in various ways during a kidnapping gone wrong. I felt like the epilogue was tacked on and not really “earned,” but overall, I enjoyed the book. Heads up, though (and the book makes no secret of this), there are some folks who eventually die.

      I’m starting Danzy Senna’s *Colored Television* about a bi-racial family with a novelist mom and an artist dad in LA. I haven’t gotten too far into it yet, but I’m enjoying Senna’s writing so far.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I like hoary old travel books from the 19th century, like Mark Twain’s *Life on the Mississippi* and *Innocents Abroad*. I thought *Three Men on a Bummel* (about turn-of-the-19th-to-the-20th-century Germany) was just okay, though.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      The Saint of Bright Doors by Vajra Chandrasekera, which was fantastic and I can highly recommend. Fantasy in a modern but not actually our world setting, drawing heavily from Sri Lankan history and Buddhism.

    6. chocolate muffins*

      I saw Slumdog Millionaire in the theaters a billion years ago and just read the book on which it was based this week. I remembered nothing about the movie other than the set-up (dude with not very much money wins top prize on India’s version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire), and reading the book was interesting, especially given how it was set up – there was a chapter for each question to explain how the main character came to know the answer to that question.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I missed that movie but I know it was very popular. I also knew it was based on a book. What is the title and author’s name?

        1. chocolate muffins*

          Slumdog Millionaire by Vikas Swarup, originally titled Q&A. I got it through interlibrary loan and wrote them a note that I was looking for the novel, not the screenplay, because most of what I found was the screenplay – but they found the novel for me eventually!

    7. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      For books about travel, I really like Patrick Leigh Fermor. He wrote an unfinished trilogy about his experience walking from Holland to Constantinople in the 1930s – the first is A Time of Gifts (there is a third book compiled from his notes published after his death). He also wrote about his travels in Greece and the Caribbean.

      There’s also All Roads Lead to Austen by Amy Elizabeth Smith. She’s an English teacher who took a sabbatical and traveled to various countries in Latin America to discuss Jane Austen with various book groups, trying to see how non-Anglo readers connected with the books.

    8. Sitting Pretty*

      Someone recommended the book Cultish on here a week or two ago. I’m about halfway through and really quite enjoying it. Which is a weird thing to say about an analysis of cults and language. Her pace is great, it’s easy to access and really illuminating.

      Also this week finished the two Darius the Great books on audio. They’re YA queer coming of age by Adib Khorram. I just adore this little series and hope he writes more! Highly recommend

    9. GoryDetails*

      Black Sheep by Rachel Harrison, which opens with protagonist Vesper, a woman in her mid-20s, struggling with her apparently dead-end life – she’s waiting tables at a franchise restaurant, putting up with lecherous customers and a lazy co-worker, has no social life… and then loses her job on top of it all. When a wedding invitation shows up at her apartment, it reminds her of the insular and highly-religious community she left behind at age 18, and her distant, critical mother – a staunch member of that community and also a one-time popular “scream queen” in horror movies, though her more recent films haven’t been that great. Even though she knows that those who leave that community aren’t allowed to return, the invitation suggests that she might be an exception, and while she has no interest in going back to those beliefs, she is curious – and desperate – enough to give it a try.

      It takes a while before the book reveals just what kind of strict religious cult Vesper belonged to, and it’s both hilarious and pretty grim. The “scream queen” mother is a terrifying figure when seen as a cold-to-the-point-of-cruelty parent, but is very funny in the way she uses scary-accurate props from her films as household decor. I’m not sure where the story’s going to go at this point, but I’m finding it entertaining.

      On audiobook: finished a re-listen of Piranesi and loved it all over again. Am now listening to The Hollow Places by T. Kingfisher; I love the book, and as the audiobook was on sale I nabbed it. Turns out I’m not loving Hilary Huber’s narration; it’s not horrible or anything, just seems to be a bit off in the pacing, not taking full advantage of Kingfisher’s snarky style.

    10. GoryDetails*

      Re travel books: an oldie but a goodie is Incidents of Travel in Yucatan by John L. Stephens, his account of his 1841 expedition to the Yucatan. (The book’s described as “one of the great books of archaeological history” and one of the most authoritative works about the Maya.) There are many plates by Frederick Catherwood showing some of the sites that were explored, and some of the carvings found, and just skimming through the text revealed loads of intriguing detail about the country and people. There are gritty sections focusing on the challenges of travel in such remote regions, and entrancing ones about the people and places; really excellent book.

    11. Dwight Schrute*

      I’m currently listening to house on the cerulean sea and reading daughter of no worlds! Enjoying both. I just finished the haunting Adeline duology which was pretty heavy so I’m enjoying some lighter reads

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Dabbling about in my Halloween reading: I should finish Dracula tonight/tomorrow and start Frankenstein, but I might go for some of the short stories instead to break things up.

      Also reading Thieves Like Us in my Noir collection–it’s astounding how experimental the writing is in these novels. Today you’d expect someone like David Foster Wallace to be doing this instead of “hard boiled” type writers.

    13. Pam Adams*

      Finally got to Martha Wells’ The Cloud Roads. It’s been in my TBR list for years. One of the columnists at the Reactor, formerly http://www.tor.com, is doing a Wells reread, which got me to dig it out.

    14. germank106*

      I got loads of Amazon gift cards for my Birthday (sometimes it pays to have 7 children), so now I need recommendations on what to order. I love gritty thrillers and suspense not so big on fantasy or romance.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Have you tried any of the Parker books (by Donald E. Westlake, written under the pen name Richard Stark)? Parker is a professional heister who doesn’t kill for fun but doesn’t hesitate to kill when necessary, and the books are reasonably gritty crime capers, where you’re eager to see how Parker is going to get out of the latest jam he’s in. I started with *The Green Eagle Score*, which is as good a one as any, liked it, and then read my way back through the series pretty much in order.

        1. germank106*

          That sounds like something right up my alley. My library carries some of the Richard Stark books so I can borrow before I buy.

      2. OaDC*

        Dennis Lehane does gritty thrillers. I haven’t read his stand-alones (Mystic River, Shutter Island) but enjoyed his Patrick Kenzie series.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Check out Margaret Millar and her husband, Ross MacDonald, for period noirs. Her books and essays on the local wildlife (like the chipmunk that would store berries until they fermented and then get rip-roarin’ drunk) are hilarious too.

        More modern thriller writers include Megan Abbott, who started writing period noirs and then moved into modern day stories.

      4. Fiction Reader*

        I really liked The Burglar by Thomas Perry, enjoyed some of his other books but that was is my favorite. Have you read The Marsh King’s Daughter by Karen Dionne. Tough female main characters in both books, little to no romance.

    15. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I chose a book at random on Libby – Knife River by Justine Champine, which the outline says is a literary mystery.

      I know nothing about the author, but from the plot summary, it seems I might find some inspiration for the structure of my novel-forever-in-progress. Reviews say it’s a slow-burner, and I can see as much from the first chapter already. I’ll try sticking with it, because I’m figuring out I’m also writing a slow-burner (and if end up hating the pace of this book, maybe it’s a sign I should learn how not to!).

    16. Falling Diphthong*

      This is How You Lose the Time War, which was excellent. Two agents battling up and down the threads of time, trying to affect inflection points to bring about the future their side wants. Starts off with snarking at each other; turns into a deep bond. I loved how this embodied human connection. The book I read before this was meh time travel, so I was a bit eh on starting, and so glad I dived in.

      Halfway through Sadie Dingfelder’s Do I Know You? About face blindness, as a starting point, and then a dive into how different people see the world, both literally and metaphorically. When the library pinged me that this was in I had just started a reread of Ed Yong’s An Immense World, about animal senses, and this is especially interesting within that framing of different senses giving different pictures of the world. Recommend both books.

      1. word nerd*

        I’m glad you mentioned the author for Do I Know You? because there’s a different book that came out with the same title and topic in June! I’m curious to check it out, thanks! (I also love Ed Yong’s An Immense World, but This Is How You Lose the Time War wasn’t for me–I just didn’t really get why they fell for each other)

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          My library has several books with that title, so figured I should clarify.

          I have reread The Scholomance and The Murderbot Diaries countless times, and what stands out to me in both is that the central character already has the special abilities that will make them uniquely dangerous. What happens in the first book of each is that this person finds their team for the first time. Right now I really like stories that are good at showing how a bond grew, which Time War was for me. (And I get exasperated if the connection is instead “I obsess over the drops of rain glistening magically on target’s arm. At length” or “This person is so cool and they would never be into me, whoa and alack.”)

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Huh. So I have just learned that even in my fellow crisp mental visualizers–with a photographic rendering of a beach if you tell me to picture a beach–field of view varies. Mine is quite small, like looking through a paper towel tube. Had not realized until this moment that this was a thing that varied between people.

        1. word nerd*

          I am a terrible mental visualizer and very bad with faces (although not to the point where I think I have prosopagnosia). My husband is excellent with faces–he’ll recognize actors decades later with completely different roles/looks–and I do wonder if his also very keen sense of direction is somehow related.

          1. AGD*

            Very possibly! (Most of my training was in cognitive science.) The results of Rusconi et al. (2021) in Frontiers in Psychiatry hint at “a possible common developmental defect between the formation of cognitive maps [for navigation] and the recognition of faces”.

    17. word nerd*

      My favorite read this week was chef Fuchsia Dunlop’s An Invitation to a Banquet, which is all about Chinese food and its history. Maybe it’s because I grew up with Korean food and eat a lot of Asian food more broadly but haven’t studied it at all, but there were so many moments of recognition that I had intuited but not articulated. Like the focus on mouthfeel and texture, which explains why bland jellyfish is tasty, and how Western cultures usually prefer more limited textures for their meat. There’s definitely some anti-Western-food and pro-Chinese-food bias (despite the author being British), but I forgive her when there’s so much misperception and bias in the Western world against Chinese food. Fascinating read and engagingly written!

      After a recommendation here, I also read Pets and the City, about a Manhattan vet who makes house calls. A bit too much celebrity name-dropping, but a light and funny read overall.

      Oh, and someone also recommended Shark Heart, a book with magical realism where someone turns into a great white shark as part of a medical condition. I was surprised by how poignant it ended up being, and I really enjoyed it. Thanks to whoever mentioned it!

    18. PhyllisB*

      Just finished Recipe for a Charmed Life by Rachel Linde and enjoyed it very much.
      It’s about a woman from Texas who becomes a trained chefgoes to Paris, and is being considered as the head chef at a new restaurant…when she loses her sense of taste.
      Won’t give any more detail in case you’re interested in reading it, but I will say it hits several tropes in, but hey, those tropes are popular for a reason. I liked it so much I decided to check out another of her books, The Sweetness of Lemon Drop Pie. I’ll report back how I like it.
      One more thing: this book is considered magic realism. If you ever read and enjoyed Sara Addison it has the same feeling.
      Right now I’m reading the second in A White House Chef Mystery series by Julie Hyzy, Hail to The Chef.
      Just started it but enjoying it so far. I realize it’s fiction, but it gives us a small glimpse of what it would be like to work in the White House kitchen. BTW, did you know that except for official dinners, the presidential family pays for their own groceries?

    19. The Other Dawn*

      I’m reading Angel of Vengeance by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. It’s the next book in the Agent Pendergast series. I really need to slow down my reading when they release a new book – it’s over too soon and then I have to wait at least another year.

    20. Daisy*

      Witch King, by Martha Wells. Saw it recommended here in another weekend thread and want to say I really enjoyed it and recommend it for anyone who loves fantasy and main characters who get stuff done and show you through their actions that they really are heroes doing their best to hold the threads of their world together.

      The Bees, by Laline Paull. I would not have expected a fantasy story told by a bee to be (haha) so utterly riveting. The story’s commitment to showing a bee’s way of viewing the world, while still allowing the main character to be quite the rebel, was very convincing.

    21. dapfloodle*

      Still enjoying the hell out of Thompson’s Rosewater, definitely going to order the rest of the books in the series soon.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Not only were the next two books in the trilogy excellent, I found they helped pull together the first one. (I found the time jumps a bit confusing.)

    22. Mrs. Frisby*

      I’m about halfway through listening to Shakespeare: The Man Who Pays the Rent by Judi Dench and Brendan O’Hea and I am ADORING it. Dench is so cheeky and funny and witty and I could listen her talk about her characters and the language of the plays for forever. While she doesn’t narrate the audiobook, the woman who does is phenomenal.

      If you have any interest in Shakespeare, Judi Dench, or theater, I’d highly recommend it.

    23. NJ sci editor*

      I just finished the sci-fi novel I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman. I recommend for those who love that mysterious uncertainty as you go; it pulled me in à la Birdbox and The Sparrow. Nonfiction: I just read Cure by Jo Marchant, relating research on how our brains are shown to be connected to our physical health. Fascinating!

    24. My Brain is Exploding*

      I just finished The Radium Girls. (Women who painted radium dials and because of that were afflicted with cancer.) True but very sad piece of American history. Amazing, brave women who ensured so much suffering. Lies and betrayal. I was so angry!

  5. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    My household just started a TTRPG (tabletop role-playing game; a game you play live with each other) called Sentinel. Each person plays a character who is a superhero. We’ve just started creating characters, so we’ll see how it goes, but my spouse has played before and loved it so hoping it’s fun!

    1. Anima*

      Tiny Glade!
      It’s so cozy, low stakes, and pretty!
      I love being able to make miniatures without the whole glue and materials lying around, just building a diorama on my PC. I’m fact, I’ll get up now and continue with my already three-evening long build of a medieval town (just found out how to change the roofs of my buildings).

    2. Daisy*

      I just wound up a short (9-session) tabletop campaign. Used the d&d 5e system, but the setting was a little dying world (the sun is reaching the end of its life, magic and all resources are becoming scarce, etc) where the story is setup for the players to decide what, if anything, they want to try to do about this.

      It was a pretty big ask emotionally, but all the players brought a lot of depth, and also sass, as their characters wrestled with some literal end-of-the-world choices. Made me as a GM very happy.

  6. PhyllisB*

    I’m not sure if this fits here or more on the work thread, but here goes.
    I’ve been reading a cozy mystery series where the main character is the assistant coroner. The coroner is a medical doctor, she’s an RN. When I used to watch things like Quincy and other crime procedurals the coroner is also an MD. In my state coroner is an elected position and they don’t even need a medical background. My question is, is this a state by state requirement or just ours? I never thought about it until I started reading about autopsies and I started wondering how someone with no medical background could even perform an autopsy?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      It is state by state, yep. Check out “The Cadaver King and the Country Dentist” by Radley Balko.

      2. Sloanicota*

        I would assume in states where the coroner is not a doctor, there might be doctors performing the autopsy and the coroner signs off on it? Or special autopsy-specific training that is not med school, perhaps, but that seems unreasonable of appointed positions with no specific background.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Thanks for the responses. I had always thought that what a coroner did was come to the death/crime scene to verify death and perhaps guesstimate time of death but I never really thought about the rest of their duties until I started reading this series.

        2. Jay (no, the other one)*

          Autopsies are always done by doctors. In my state, we have elected coroners who are usually not docs and then there are medical examiners who specialize in forensic pathology. They do the autopsies.

          The coroner has to sign the death certificate if the cause of death is not natural. Not all those require autopsies – most of the time we know the cause of death before the patient dies. I’m a hospice doc. I sign a lot of death certificates and sometimes I’m the one who tells the coroner what to put on the other ones.

      3. PhyllisB*

        I will, thank you. Our newest coroner was a hairdresser first and then a funeral director before going into office.

      1. PhyllisB*

        It’s by Annalise Ryan. The main character is Mattie Winston. I would need to double check but I think the first title is Scared Stiff. I’ll come back later and correct if I’m wrong. They are extremely funny but they get a bit graphic with descriptions of the bodies/conditions sometimes, so if that gives you the heebie jeebies, you may want to steer clear.
        I’m having to pause right now after what happened to my son I don’t really want to imagine this kind of stuff.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Just went back to double check. Not only did I get the first title wrong, I misspelled the author’s name. So let’s try again. It’s Annelise Ryan and the titles in the series are as follows: Working Stiff, Scared Stiff, Frozen Stiff, Lucky Stiff, Board Stiff, Stiff Penalty, Stiff Competition, Dead in the Water, Dead Calm, Dead of Winter, Dead Ringer, and Dead Even. I got through Stiff Penalty about the time of my son’s death and luckily it didn’t have any real death details in it, but gonna hold up a while before reading anymore. if you decide to try it out let me know how you like it.

          1. Broken scones*

            I think we were both typing at the same time, lol! I appreciate you taking the time to write out all the titles, and I’ll let you know when I get around to the series. I’m so sorry for your loss, sending you a virtual hug from afar <3

        2. Broken scones*

          Thank you for the book info and for the content warning. The good thing about books is that they’ll always be there when/if you decide to reach for them again :)

    3. Literally a Cat*

      Internationally, a coroner is more likely to be a lawyer than a doctor. In US, it’s state by state, can even be not from either law or medical background but elected official.

      I’m from Australia, our coroners must be lawyers. Some coroner reports would comment on how good the medical examiner’s report is, when the medical examiner appropriately recognise that coroners are not trained in medicine and can be confused by some medical terminology if not explained like to a lay person.

      1. Janesfriend*

        Same in New Zealand, our coroners are lawyers and they “look into unexpected, violent or suspicious deaths to find out what happened”. Autopsies in NZ are done by pathologists.

        1. Jill Swinburne*

          Don’t they also make recommendations to mitigate the risks of similar accidental deaths happening in the future?

    4. Clisby*

      They don’t. (I’m in SC, where coroners are elected). An autopsy would be done by a doctor, usually a pathologist, but I suppose some other doctors might be eligible. Hypothetically, a coroner *might* also be a doctor, but not necessary. The current coroner in my county is a registered nurse, so she has a lot more medical knowledge than the ordinary person on the street, but she wouldn’t be qualified to perform autopsies.

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      Great question! I’ve been digging into this one lately too. The reality series ‘Dr. G – Medical Examiner,’ gets into this now and then. The very lovely Dr. Garavaglia, the ME, talks about how the coroner is an elected position but that her ME position is a hired position, and that she and all the other MEs in the district morgue are hired MDs. It’s a fascinating series – she’s really nice, and no graphic scenes are shown. I’ve learned a lot about the body, and about the differences between the roles of coroner (declare subject has passed at the scene) and ME (performs the autopsy to understand the cause of death). And she worked in both Florida and Texas, which had the same structure for her role, and the coroner’s role.

      1. Generic Name*

        That’s good to know there are no graphic scenes. I’ve avoided watching the show because I assumed they would show the actual autopsies. I love old episodes of FBI Files and New Detectives, which focus on forensic science (rather than how “captivating” murderers are- no thank you).

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Sure – no, there are no graphic scenes of actual autopsies, and for the very few shots of the deceased at the beginning of each autopsy, a live person plays the deceased, and then reappears in short dramatizations throughout to illustrate the events leading up to the passing. Then for the actual autopsy, the camera is shows nothing lower than the MD’s shoulders, and anything that shouldn’t be visible is heavily blurred. There are periodic animations of body functions to describe things like the causes of heart attacks or strokes, but no actual surgery-like footage. Also, on Tubi, they have two separate free streaming channels for this show, and from what I can gather, one channel is the ‘death by natural causes/misadventure’ channel, and the other is ‘death by foul play.’ I watch the former more often as a fascinating cautionary tale about diet and exercise, LOL, and have learned a lot about how a coroner’s office works.

    6. OohIKnowThisOne*

      State-by-state! And most US jurisdictions are coroner systems, not ME systems, in which coroners are elected and do not need to have a medical background. I work for a forensic pathologist who has worked in both Sheriff-Coroner and Medical Examiner systems.

      There is a DIRE shortage of forensic pathologists (the doctors who perform autopsies) in the US — there are about 475 Board-certified FPs in the US, when our population means we really should have 1500+. The reason is that FPs who work for Coroners/MEs offices are paid drastically less than pathologists who work in hospitals — think starting pay as a Dr with 12+ years of education at around $150K/yr, vs. $350K in hospitals.

    7. TonicDjinn*

      My mother was a General Practitioner who completed autopsies for the Coroner (past tense because she has retired) here in Australia. It was a very unusual setup that only happened because she lives in a rural city that doesn’t otherwise support a full time pathologist and she had a background in pathology training before becoming a GP..

      She actually wrote a book about it called Autopsies for the Armchair Enthusiast.

  7. PhyllisB*

    Okay, I have another random question. This is for those of you who keep up with political history.
    We all know Joe Biden has withdrawn from the presidential race, but I was wondering if there has ever been a time when BOTH primary candidates of the race withdrew in the same race?

    1. Enough*

      No never both. In fact Biden is the only candidate who had enough delegates to win the nomination at the convention to drop out. Johnson and Truman both withdrew in March after poor showings in New Hampshire.

  8. Phantosmia*

    Anyone else have phantosmia? Curious what the odors are for other folks.

    For decades I used to smell oranges right before developing a migraine, which was strange but not unpleasant. Over the past few months it has switched to a propane/chafing fuel smell, which is much less pleasant. (To clarify there is definitely no leak; our entire neighborhood is fully electric.)

    1. anon24*

      Out of curiosity, have you had COVID?

      Not trying to break the site rules on Medical stuff, (this is 100% my experience and I have no idea why).

      I was always crazy sensitive to smells. Especially bad smells. Mold, gas, urine, you name it, I could always smell them WAY before everyone else. And yes, one of my migraines auras was phantosmia. It was never the same thing though and always the first aura I got if I got it at all, so sometimes I’d be walking around work going “is anyone eating tomato soup or do I need to take my meds?” (true story)

      When I got Covid in late 2020 I lost my sense of smell for 5 days. When it came back I got my sense of “good” smells back right away, but the “bad” smells took a loooong time to come back, and never really came back to the hyper-sensitivity I had before. Except that for about a year every few days to few weeks I would wake up from a dead sleep in a blind panic because I had the strongest smell of smoke in my nose. There was never any smoke. I thought I was going crazy and then I met another person in a group setting and we were talking about weird experiences while sleeping and he very reluctantly confessed that ever since he had COVID he’d been waking up ever so often smelling smoke and thinking his house was burning down.

      Anyway, I got Covid for the 3rd time (working healthcare sucks, boo) this last July and it didn’t affect my sense of smell at all, or so I thought, but the first time I went to the gas station post-recovery I almost puked filling up my car and I’ve noticed that I am definitely back to my old sensitivity levels pre-2020 COVID.

      1. anon24*

        All that and I missed my point. I used to get phantosmia a lot with my migraines pre-2020 COVID, but I never really did much if at all afterwards. I think I have maybe once recently? So I was wondering if you’ve had COVID and if that’s why it changed for you.

        1. Phantosmia*

          I had a mild case in 2021 but not recently, to my knowledge. The phantom odors started with puberty in the early 90s. But your situation is quite interesting! It’s wild how the smells split across pleasant/unpleasant.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        How terrifying to have a condition where you woke up to a smoky smell and thought your house was on fire. I’m glad you’re past that.

        1. anon24*

          It was horrifying at first; I would wake up in a full panic, jump out of bed and rush around my apartment trying to figure out what was going on. After the first couple times there was an initial jolt awake and then I’d instantly realize what happened, pop my head up to double check to make sure my house wasn’t actually on fire this time, and then go back to sleep.

    2. Sitting Pretty*

      I have long COVID since an infection in 2022 and my phantosmia is by far the weirdest symptom. It’s cigarette smoke. Like someone is standing out on the balcony smoking. Kind of faint, which means sometimes it’ll be a few hours before I really even register it’s happening. It’s like my brain is both manufacturing a cigarette smell and simultaneously signaling to me that it’s normal and nothing to be concerned about.

      After a few hours it worsens, like a wet, dirty ashtray taste/smell. It reminds me of my 20s when smoking indoors was still a thing, and I’d be out dancing at a smoky bar all night and come home with that rank odor in my throat and nose. It’s neurological but still makes everything taste foul. It tends to precede a flare-up and I’ll sometimes go a few months without it happening. The longest stretch was two weeks, usually it fades after just a few days.

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        I had covid last year, thankfully a mild case that went through me quickly, but for a couple of days I kept getting whiffs of the side of a matchbox. You know the bit where you strike, and there’s that smell just when the match strikes but before the flame? It was weird.

        There must be something about burning/smoky smells – isn’t smelling burnt toast supposed to be a potential sign of a stroke or something?

        2. Zephy*

          I’ve heard that phantom burnt-toast smells can precede a seizure, but I have no experience with that myself, thankfully.

          1. Mephyle*

            It’s part of Canadian culture to know this (for people of a certain age), thanks to a Canadian Heritage Minute video from the 1990s. You can find the video with a search like [burnt toast Canadian heritage], and further interesting information about Canadian Heritage Minutes from a CBC article (which references the burnt toast video), titled “From hokey nostalgia to hard-hitting history: The evolution of Canada’s Heritage Minutes” site:cbc.ca

          2. Tea & Sympathy*

            I’m glad I didn’t know the stroke/seizure connection to burnt toast smells. I had what I thought were allergy symptoms, but took a Covid test just in case – negative as expected. Then later I started getting whiffs of burnt toast, which I assumed meant I really had Covid, and, sure enough, I tested positive.

            My sister-in-law had Covid very early in the pandemic, and didn’t realize that was what was behind her often smelling cigarette smoke. She kept asking my brother if he had been smoking, and went around sniffing things, including, at one point her plants, trying to find the source of the smell. Then that changed to the smell of cat food in a tin can. She wasn’t sure which was worse.

      2. Redbecca*

        I was just reading someone who was talking about how she had just learned that smelling phantom cigarette smoke is often a thing that happens in perimenopause, and all sorts of people were chiming in to say ‘me too!’, so it does sound like a real thing. I don’t know if that’s relevant to you specifically as yours seems covid-based, but I hadn’t heard it before and thought it’s such a shame that we don’t learn about all these weird possible perimenopause things beforehand, we just have to learn as we go.

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I get that, but my doctor called them “olfactory hallucinations” and they’re usually a precursor or lasting symptom of a migraine for me. Sometimes the only symptom of a migraine.
      I have smelled oranges, and sometimes smoke (and twice dismissed actual fires as hallucinations! Thankfully neither was a situation where I was in danger!) but my most common smell is the sickly sweet, artificial smell of Froot Loops cereal.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I also get phantom scents before a migraine, and I’m incredibly glad to find someone else with same. The smell isn’t that predictable for me so I get a little jumpy when I can’t identify the source of an odor.

      One time I decided I had an oncoming migraine and started wrapping up a task to leave work early when our fire alarms went off–I really WAS smelling something electrical going wrong!

      (Hurrah for detectors that pick up the early smolder stage–much simpler repair than flame.)

      And I’m changing the potting on some of our house plants because of the strange smell when watered. That took me a while to narrow down!

    5. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I had never heard of phantosmia before, but it might explain some odd occurrences I’ve had. Ive had migraines my whole life, and also extreme smell sensitivity. I’m always the first person to tell the milk is about to turn, or notice that the potatoes are no good. For many years, I’ve been the only person to smell gas in my house, but only on very rare occasions. We’ve called out the gas company with their sniffer machines and they’ve never detected anything, and no one else has ever noticed anything. I never thought to correlate those times with migraines, I wonder if it’s sometimes part of my prodrome symptoms… It’s so difficult to locate a scent, it never occurred to me that something I smell might not exist at all.

    6. WS*

      When I was a teenager, sinus surgery meant that I had no sense of smell for about 5 years, though it came back after that. Weirdly, the only time I could smell anything was a strong, alcohol-perfume smell just before I had a migraine. It must have come directly from my brain, because my nose wasn’t working. After my sense of smell came back, the migraine smell changed a bit (it’s now sweet-alcohol-perfume) but it’s still my primary warning for migraine.

    7. jm*

      I had migraines from 16 til about 35 and thankfully outgrew them and I won’t say I read everything about them ( this was 35 years ago) but this is the first I’ve heard of this and it’s fascinating

  9. Food Etiquette*

    Any suggestions for incorporating vegan preferences in a friend group? My friend group has never had any food allergies or diets or religious preferences. Now and then a friend has gone vegetarian, and a few avoid dairy for lactose intolerant reasons but that is easy enough to accommodate. Recently a friend Clara started dating and then got engaged to a guy who is vegan. She is mostly sticking to vegetarian herself, but is trying to be vegan when he comes to a gathering. It’s nothing I’ve really thought about before and there’s definitely a lot harder to accommodate with vegetarian options.

    Also, my friend group tends to default to potluck when we get together in our homes. Usually the host cooks a main dish and everyone else brings a side dish or dessert or something else small. Like this weekend, I’m hosting a small group, just Clara and two other friends. I said I’d make meatballs (buffalo pumpkin purée since it’s a Halloween activity) and pasta as the main dish. The two other friends are bringing a veggie plate and chips and dip, and Sasha is bringing vegan charcuterie, no idea what that entails. Since we tend to default to potluck, part of me wants to put the burden on them to be vegan, though I know that is not a good thing to do as a host. I tend to favor meat dishes because I’m very much a carnivore, though id happily skip meat for a meal for my friends. How do you handle this in your friend group?

    1. Aphrodite*

      I’d find vegan tricky enough I wouldn’t risk trying to make something. I’d likely go to Trader Joe’s and buy vegan offerings; they have quite a few including entrees.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Hmm I have some practice in this but I don’t find it difficult at all – there are a lot more vegan subs out there than there used to be.

        1. Kay*

          Agree with this. I cook vegan all the time without any attempt at doing so simply because of the base ingredients I tend to go for. It really isn’t hard at all.

    2. Brevity*

      Pasta e fagioli (I hope I spelled that right) is filling and vegan. I made up my own recipe using vegetable broth, tomato sauce, sauteed (in olive oil) mushrooms and onions, white beans, and ditalini.

      1. Clisby*

        Yeah, I was going to suggest a pasta or quinoa salad. If you want to include tastes other than vegan, just supply some add-on protein (boiled shrimp, grilled chicken, feta cheese, etc.) on the side and let people add that if they like.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Farro is great and very filling. The Barefoot Contessa has a great recipe with radishes, arugula and a lemon vinaigrette. You can just put the parmesan cheese on the side. If you want protein, firm tofu would be great with this.

    3. HS science teacher*

      My philosophy has always been to provide something for everyone to eat, but it’s okay if there are things on the table that not everyone can eat. (For example, if someone comes who can’t have gluten, that doesn’t mean I won’t have some delicious crusty bread on the table.)

      For vegan main dishes, Indian curries or Thai or Chinese stir fries with rice are great options! Could have sliced chicken on the side for folks who want it.

      1. Clisby*

        There’s a wonderful Lebanese restaurant here that has a number of vegan dishes on the menu, so maybe check out Middle Eastern recipes.

      2. Observer*

        (For example, if someone comes who can’t have gluten, that doesn’t mean I won’t have some delicious crusty bread on the table.)

        That’s an interesting example, because in this case, it’s quite possible that your gluten free friend won’t be able to eat anything on that table.

        I bring this up not to criticize, but to point out to anyone who is reading that when dealing with this stuff you need to think carefully about cross contamination. Sometimes it doesn’t matter. But sometimes it makes all the difference, so you need to find out what the status is, on a case by case basis.

        That said, it sounds like the OP’s situation is such that cross-contamination is not a really big deal, so your approach would work very well.

      3. I DK*

        I like this approach, you’d be cooking the dish for the vegan, and with the non-vegan side options, you’d be accommodating the carnivores. I’m very much a carnivore but am constantly surprised at how delicious vegan food can be.

    4. Jay*

      -Roast winter squash is wonderful. Just halve, take out the seeds and pulp, brush with olive oil, salt and pepper to taste, put it in a roasting pan, cover with tinfoil, and bake for between 45 and 90 minutes (depending on size) at 350 degrees. When it’s on it’s last 15 to 30 min. (again, depending on size), take off the foil so it can brown. Every winter squash will cook up a bit different. My personal favorite is buttercup squash. Depending on the squash, it will taste sort of like pumpkin cheesecake or a bit like particularly sweet roasted chestnuts. Some people I know have tried filling the space left by the seeds with things like fruits, nuts, and berries, particularly ones associated with Fall. I’ve not had much luck with that, but I can see a path to it being amazing if I find the right combination and the right point in the baking process to add them.
      -The very best vegetarian/vegan foods always come from a culture where people have a history of loving their food, but having fairly regular periods where meat and/or dairy is hard to come by. Indian food is legendary for this. Many traditional Italian foods are either vegetarian/vegan, or can easily be made so with a couple of reasonable substitutions. Mushroom Risotto is a classic. Many eggplant dishes can work with a couple of easy substitutions. Even eggplant Parm. can work if you find a vegan cheese substitute that works for you and don’t use an eggwash to adhere the breadcrumbs to the eggplant.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I was reading a slow-cooker cookbook and there was a recipe for acorn squash cooked whole in the slow cooker. Just wash it, put it in and cook it on for 8-10 hours. Then take it out, cut it in half, scoop out the seeds, sprinkle with salt and cinnamon and dot with butter and then serve.

        Cutting a raw acorn in squash is sometimes really difficult, so I am tempted to try this.

    5. ThatGirl*

      I’m not typically cooking for a big group, but I look for things that either don’t feature meat or can use a vegan sub – this is easier than it used to be. Tacos or burrito bowls, for instance – just have Impossible meat or black beans etc as an option, maybe a vegan cheese sauce alongside the dairy cheese, people can build their own.

      Other vegan friendly main dishes off the top of my head – chili with tvp, impossible or just beans; veggie soups; baked potatoes with toppings. There are a lot of vegan butters and cheese options out there now to give everyone options.

      1. Jackalope*

        I came across a lovely pumpkin chili recipe ages ago. I just did a quick check to see if I could find it and didn’t see the one I remembered, but it was amazing. It had pumpkin and beans in it as well as peppers and tomatoes and probably other stuff, and it was amazing (and plenty filling). I used turkey broth for mine but it would be easy to use some veggie broth instead. Would definitely recommend, although I suggest looking for one of the recipes that’s intended to be vegan rather than adapting the ones that have meat in it to just drop out the meat, since it tends to be a better balance of flavors if it’s not intended to rely on meat that’s left out, at least in my opinion.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Well, we don’t tend to use a lot of meat anyway so I’m thinking about things where that isn’t the main flavor – but there are certainly plenty of recipes that either start vegan or can easily be made so with a swap.

    6. Dinner Party*

      I grew up vegetarian and have several vegan family members, not to mention other dietary restrictions. I never mind going someplace and not being able to eat everything offered, but I DO mind going someplace and being a sad afterthought. So my suggestion is to make meatballs but have a yummy something for your vegan/vegetarian friend as well. For my family it was easy to make a home made tomato sauce (or jarred warmed up), prep the meatballs separately and offer cheese to top it off also separately. Voila! Everyone can take what they want and avoid what they don’t want. Bonus points if you can add a protein, like a legume (beans, lentils) or fried tofu or something.

    7. Mystery*

      Self assembly meals work for potlucks:
      – baked potato bar, all the guests bring a few toppings.
      – tacos with guests bringing toppings.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      Blackbean tacos are a really easy thing to make, (like ten minutes in a pan) you can even make them ahead of time. The salsa/guacamole/tacos are all vegan and if other people want to put meat/sour cream in the tacos, then they can. I’ve been eating less meat and I’m simply amazed at how easy things like Dhaal, is to prepare. You can even buy it in a microwave pouch, bung it in for a few minutes, put it in a nice bowl with some garnish and present it with some flatbread. As someone with a food intolerance myself, the best hosts are not necessarily All Knowing, they are just people who are open and curious and communicative: “I’m thinking of serving x. Please feel free to bring something else though!” or “What kinds of things do you/partner like/dislike?” or at the get together: “I love new recipes, is there anything you two are really enjoying at the moment?”

    9. Cordelia*

      I’m the vegan in the friend group…
      we also tend to do potluck, or cook together, we don’t have fancy dinner parties! Also I’ve been vegan for a very long time so my close friends are used to it. For your planned meatballs and pasta, what I’d do is ask you to cook vegan pasta (most pasta is vegan, but if you were intending to do egg pasta then you could just do a separate pan of cheap ordinary pasta) and I’ll bring some vegan meatballs, or something else that would go well with the pasta. If you’re making a tomato sauce with it that will almost certainly be vegan anyway, so just set some of it aside for me to put my meatballs in.
      If we make a curry, or a stirfry, or a chilli or something like that, we make the basic dish vegan and then cook the meat, fish or whatever separately and add it in. Or cook 2 separate pans, one vegan and one not, but with the same basic ingredients.
      I’d find out what other people were planning to bring, and then bring my own dessert if I couldn’t eat theirs – I’d make enough so other people could try it too. My friends will make sure if they are bringing dips that I can eat some of them, or if they are making salads they will leave out the non-vegan element in a portion. I have new friends who now each time we meet have made me a different type of vegan dessert, or salad, or something – I haven’t asked them to do so but they tell me they are enjoying looking up new recipes.
      I don’t expect to be able to eat everything at the potluck, but I do want something! And my friends want to feed me something, so we work together to make sure they can.

    10. English Rose*

      I’m part of a local artists’ group which meets regularly. About three of us are vegan, and where we meet there’s a cook who makes lunch for the group. It’s easier in the cooler months, because things like squash casserole, beans, lentils etc work beautifully, sometimes with baked potatoes with optional butter. But in the summer, salads based on beans or quinoa work well, with sourdough bread.

    11. Emma*

      Meals where people can pick /assemble themselves seem to work well for dietary stuff. Things like Greek bowls, where you have some vegan stuff like pita bread, cucumbers and tomatoes and red Onion, olives, hummus, maybe lettuce, and also stuff like feta, tzatziki, and some kind of meat. People can build their own. This could also work with tacos (black beans for the vegan). It might work best to have a list of ingredients or toppings to bring, and then either assign them to people, or people sign up.

    12. CL*

      If you enjoy trying new recipes, Joe Yonan in the Washington Post has lots of great vegan recipes. I’m making his vegan tortilla soup today to kick off fall.

    13. Venus*

      In my group, someone with serious restrictions will bring their own food and others won’t plan for it. That’s mostly driven by a celiac who can’t trust anyone else’s kitchen, so they eat their own meal and come to enjoy the company. If someone were vegan I’d assume the vegan friend was bringing enough for themselves though I’d try to accommodate them if it were easy.

      1. Golden*

        I’m a celiac and this is exactly what I do too! It’s honestly much worse when someone tries to make me something and I have to explain why I can’t eat it than when I show up and there’s nothing for me to eat.

        I’ve known a few vegans who don’t eat food that has been prepared on items previously used to prepare meat, and even one person who ate vegan unless the food was free to them, so unless I was 100% sure of their exact restriction I’d probably leave it to them to bring something they can have.

      2. AcademiaNut*

        I’ll ask a few questions to calibrate the strictness.

        If they’re strict to the point of which brand of sugar, margarine or beer they can eat, or needing vegan only cookware, that’s a level I’m not comfortable handling, so they can bring their own food and dishes, the same as if they were on the very strict end of kosher where I wouldn’t be allowed to cook for them, or a food issue where minor cross contamination could make them sick. If they’re not, I can do just fine, but if they offer to bring something I’ll ask for them to bring dessert, because vegan baking is something I have little experience with.

        For vegetarians, my calibration items are cheese, beer and honey.

        (For reference, cheese made with rennet isn’t vegetarian, beer and wine sometimes use fish produces as a clarifying agent, honey isn’t vegan, some margarine contains dairy, and bone can be used in the making of white sugar.)

        1. ThatGirl*

          Just a note that honey is a hotly debated topic among vegans and some do eat it.

          But yes, it’s good to know your friends.

        2. Observer*

          Worth noting that apple juice may and maple syrup may use animal products as clarifying / finishing agents.

          One way to find foods may be vegan that don’t have these issues is to look for foods with Kosher certification that is neither meat nor dairy (the term to look for is Parve). It’s not 100% because you can still be looking at fish products, so you need to check for that. And because they are not *ingredients* it won’t say on the label.

    14. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We have friends who are vegetarian, friends who keep kosher and won’t eat meat in my house, and my husband has a dairy allergy, so when we cook vegetarian dinners it’s easy to do vegan. We have a cookbook called “Isa Does It” that is AWESOME. Isa Chandra Moscowitz. Every recipe we’ve ever made from that book has been a winner.

      For smaller gatherings if we need to go veggie that’s the main course. For larger parties we make two entrees – one meat, one veggie. For Rosh Hashanah on Wednesday we’ll do a brisket and black beans with orange and saffron. The black beans are vegan. Friends will bring other veggie sides. We also do kugel which is vegetarian but has eggs. Don’t think we have any vegans this time around…

    15. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      The Dr. Furhman cookbooks have a lot of good vegan recipes. The desserts are particularly tasty.

    16. Keep it Simple*

      My go-to vegan offering is a couple of different pizzas with vegan pesto or garlic/oil, topped with various roasted veggies and no cheese.

    17. LBD*

      I have always used a hambone as the base of my split pea soup, because it adds so much to the end result. But recently I wanted to make the soup for a vegan household, and I discovered that browning some onions and adding liquid smoke instead of using meat gave a very satisfactory result, and was easy, as well!
      Homemade baked beans with molasses are another option. Both dishes are fairly mainstream in my circles, so even people who are a bit spooked at the idea of eating a ‘vegan’ dish don’t feel that they are stepping out of their comfort zone, or aren’t getting a ‘proper’ meal.

    18. WorkingRachel*

      I’m part of a friend group with two vegans, a Muslim, a guy who doesn’t want to label himself but mostly doesn’t eat meat (except sometimes fish or trace meat in, say, a chicken broth), and me, an omnivore. We skew vegan whenever possible so the max number of people can eat whatever it is. Sometimes that means making something lovely and special that’s vegan. Sometimes that means bringing very bog-standard prepared vegan options. For those of us who aren’t used to cooking vegan, easy options are Impossible burgers or sausages, side dishes based on fruit or veggies or pasta, chips and guac, or the classic Oreos. It helps that everyone is pretty flexible, so the vegans are pretty ok with, say, going to a restaurant where the only vegan option is a veggie burger, and the non-vegans are very up for checking out X new vegan place.

  11. Adrift*

    How do you keep motivating? I have a good life, good job, and not quite enough for retirement. How do I focus on just what’s needed to ramp down? No clue how to do that?

    2. Sloanicota*

      Is this a financial savings question or a bigger life-ennui question? I think we’d have different answers to either.

  12. Nothing to Wear*

    Hello,
    I’m in my early 40s and lately I’ve been feeling frumpy and like I have nothing to wear. I’ll buy new clothes and wear them a few times, and then hate them. When I try shopping, I get overwhelmed trying to put outfits together.

    I was thinking of using one of the free stylist services at Macy’s or Dillard’s and wondering if anyone here has ever done that. Was it a good experience? What was it like?

    I’d like to get a few outfits for the office and a few casual for going out. I want to feel more put together.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      A former co-worker loved working with a stylist at a department store for years. Her clothes weren’t fancy, she just consistently was comfortable and looked nice even in casual clothes. And when she wore her dress-up clothes, she looked equally great.

      My neighbor is a stylist. I have the fashion sense of a hamster, so I asked her to help me figure out what to wear to two weddings. One had a vintage theme. The other was in Arizona and they told guests we could dress “desert casual.” Both times I got compliments on my outfit, thanks to my neighbor.

    2. Orange m&m*

      Yes and yes. I feel I can look so frumpy so easily. I went to the free stylist at Nordstrom and they pulled all sorts of clothes to bring me a bit out of my comfort zone. I’ve been there a few times and it really helped. I rejected plenty, so it’s not like I gave up any autonomy. A big help was proper tailoring. Just a few adjustments can make a piece hang properly and makes you look so polished and confident, even in business casual sorts of clothes.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Here’s another recommendation for Nordstrom, adding to my previous post. The stylists in both of my examples worked there.

    4. tommy*

      in addition to the stylist idea: think about whether you have any friends or acquaintances — or even people you don’t know but tend to see out and about, like maybe they work in the next building — whose style brings you joy or catches your eye when you see them. you might be able to use their outfits to spark your imagination about what you’d like to wear.

      even from afar, you can notice things like “oh, their shoes are a brighter color than i ever thought of trying” or “oh, it never occurred to me to wear two shades of that color together, let me try it.”

      1. Recent Grad Designer*

        To add to this, next time you see someone wearing an outfit you like online or on tv take a photo and save it in a folder on your phone. Then when you go in to get styled, you will be able to show them exactly what you like.

      2. Sloanicota*

        Although I will say I’ve had to learn that *what I like* versus *what looks good on me* are not the same. And things that look great on other people who are just a little taller / chestier will not look good on me. As an example I like bright cheerful colors like oranges and yellows but I really only good good in blues and greens. Sometimes of course I just wear what I like anyway, knowing I’m going to look more washed out or short or whatever.

    5. English Rose*

      You could also think about an online styling session. There’s an amazing Canadian stylist called Alyssa Beltempo. She’s all about sustainable style, shopping your closet and finding new ways to wear what you have.
      If you google her you’ll find her YouTube channel. She provides a one-to-one online session. I did this with her a couple of years back and it was a revelation! I went from thinking I had nothing to wear to being able to put an outfit together, plus being intentional when buying new things.

    6. HannahS*

      I think it’s a great idea! I did a “learn how to put outfits together in a way that I want” project in my 20s and as someone who doesn’t have a lick of intuitive sense of it, it was really hard. It’s a skill just as much as anything else, and if you’re already feeling tired of trying on your own, it is well worth it to pay someone else.

      My only experience of being “styled” is wedding dress shopping, and my big takeaway from that experience was that you should be open to the possibility that you might love things that are different from what you’d usually choose. But go for it! And tell us what the experience was like.

    7. Nitpicker*

      In the 1980’s I was on an out of town project where I needed to look really good and professional. I also was wearing plus sizes. I worked with a stylist at Macy’s and (1) nailed it and (2) learned a lot about dressing well which has been really useful over the years. This was 40 years ago of course but I would still recommend you try it.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      If you can figure out (with or without a stylist) what silhouettes look the best on you, that can help guide you in what you buy in the future. Like, I tend to look best in tailored, structured clothes that give me a shape, even when I’m fat. I looked at what Vivian Vance wears on *I Love Lucy* episodes and tried to go with that shape for dresses.

      In terms of looking “put together,” I feel like dresses are easier than separates — just throw on a black cardigan with most dresses if you want to look a little more formal. Or if you don’t mind having several cardigans, pick them to match one of the colors in your favorite dresses.

      It’s also okay embrace your inner frump now and then. I dress nicely for necessary occasions, but otherwise, I look like overwhelmed social worker meets Columbo.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Also, “having your colors done” (either with an all-purpose stylist or a specialist) can be super helpful.

        I got the book about that in the 1980s and realized that I’m a “winter” who looks best in blacks, greys, creams, and frosty shades, without a lot of yellow or orange undertones. There’s usually a frosty version of a color that I can wear that will look best on me — like, I look a lot better in a periwinkle blue than a royal blue and a lot better in a lilac than in a grape purple.

        Notice that certain colors and shades come in and out of fashion each year but don’t feel like you have to follow what’s “in.” If I walk into a store and don’t see anything in a color that will look good on me, I walk right back out. Conversely, if I walk into a store and see a color or a cut that I *know* will look good on me, I go ahead and buy it.

        1. ReallyBadPerson*

          +1 on having one’s colors done! I’m a warm spring, and over the past few years, “my” greens have been in style, so I’ve added these to my wardrobe. And even if your best colors aren’t in, you can still find them in work-friendly clothes at high end consignment and thrift shops.

        2. Reluctant Mezzo*

          I do better in the jewel colors and have to watch hemlines because short and getting shorter (I have to hem up my nice trousers now). I look like coming down with liver complaint in yellow or orange, even though I like those colors.

        3. Nothing to Wear*

          I’ve been thinking about doing this too, but I’m not sure how to find someone who knows how and is good at doing colors.

      2. Maryn*

        “I dress nicely for necessary occasions, but otherwise, I look like overwhelmed social worker meets Columbo.” First out-loud laugh of the day!

      3. Nothing to Wear*

        One of my problems is that I’m just always cold, and I can’t wear dresses because of that. I also want to wear socks. I can’t stand going sockless in the office so it limits my shoes and that limits my clothes.

        I lol’ed at your comment “I look like overwhelmed social worker meets Columbo.”

    9. Nothing to Wear*

      Thank you all for the encouragement and suggestions. I think I will go ahead and schedule one of those style sessions with one of the department store stylists. I can report back on how it goes.

      I may also look at getting my colors done if I can find someone skilled at that.

      I’d love to have someone do an closet edit with me. I actually looked at pricing what people charge in my city and it’s $700 to $1,000 for those with good reputations/reviews! I figured that for that amount I could go to a store and buy all new clothes. Unfortunately I don’t have any friends of family with this skill-set. I may look at some of the online stylists who offer closet edits and see where that takes me.

    10. Hibiscus*

      I went to a Universal Standard popup event in my city, and had a good experience. I did spend a lot though. They had me try on things I wouldn’t usually buy (Universal Standard is an online clothing company and does a lot of basics–I buy a lot from them because I have a uniform of slight and subtle variations.)

      I wound up with a short black shirtdress, a striped knit polo, a pair of cropped pants in a heavier spring/fall fabric, and at least one other comfortable summer dress. The items I rejected were a heavy sheath/tank dress that would need alterations in the arms, a shirtdress that I knew I would bust the last few buttons the first time I wore it due to my walk, and a crystal lite blue linen dress whose color is not really in my palette but which I spent the summer looking at online in other colors.

  13. Dwight Schrute*

    I just want to thank whoever suggested the Splash fish sanctuary mobile game last week! I’ve been playing all week and really enjoying it. If you have suggestions for other similarly relaxing games I’ll take them

    1. Middle Name Jane*

      That was me! That’s great you’re enjoying it. I kept seeing it as an ad and finally tried it out. I get bored with other games, but Splash has kept me interested.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve liked seeing this thread in the last few weeks. It’s motivating me to get off my butt to return my bedroom to a livable space.

    2. Aphrodite*

      I didn’t input my numbers in my Excel budget spreadsheet for half of August and now for all of September. ARGH! What is wrong with me? I am getting it done this weekend no matter what because I like having that information available to me.

      2. Girasol*

        Yay Aphrodite! I hate doing it too, and hate it all the more when I fall behind. But if feels so good at the end of the year to be able to review how well I’ve done and feel like finances are under control.

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      I have a few items of clothing that need small repairs, so I’ll try to get to that this weekend.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      I need to hire movers for next month’s move to a new apartment after 13 years here. Also, I’d like to get a couple more quotes for renters insurance. At least, I found somewhere to move TO, and signed a lease.

      The new one is slightly smaller, and just shaped differently. I’m probably going to have to give up at least one bookcase, maybe two, so books will need to be winnowed down a LOT. Not to mention all the craft supplies — I’m bi-craftual, so I have knitting yarn AND quilting/sewing fabric to sort through. These things will not sort themselves, and it would be silly to pay to move things in just going to discard right away.

      Do you think three weeks is too soon to start notifying everyone of my change of address? Even the accounts that are on electronic billing still have my mailing address. I should at least put together a list…

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I built up another backlog of people to message back. Part of it was recruiter messages on LinkedIn, part was second-dream-career related networking, and the rest is trying to arrange seeing friends with busy calendars (I’m the other way, very easy to pin down for dates but spectacularly bad at initiating). But! It was twice as long a week ago. I’m working on it…slowly :D

    7. 248_Ballerinas*

      Getting my new walk pad set up and using it. Need to work around a 1960s electric outlet and sit down and read the instructions.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Putting up my shower curtain and wiping down my bathtub enough that I can think about using it again after roachmaggedon.

      Getting to grading pile zero.

      1. Tinamedte*

        Re: cleaning the bathtub. On a whim, I bought some soft bug brushes that attach to my screwdriver, and now cleaning the bathtub is fun and fast!

    9. Commander Shepard's Favorite Store*

      I did it yesterday! (I don’t work Fridays…it’s part of my weekend…it counts, right?) Our garage door opener stopped responding to remotes a few months ago and it’s been a pain in the butt having to drive out, park the car, go back into the garage, hit the wall button, and run out…or come home, park the car, go in the house and open the garage from inside, etc. Yesterday I’d finally had enough, so I picked up a new opener from Home Depot and installed it. Took about three hours including uninstalling the old one, watching installation videos, etc, but it wasn’t too difficult a job, and I’m VERY happy with the results. Who knew that one could get excited about a garage door opener. This one has two very bright lights! An outside control panel that works! An inside wall button that isn’t just a repurposed doorbell ringer! A motion detector that turns the lights on automatically when you go into the garage at night! (That one was a very pleasant surprise.)

      And since I did it all myself it cost me less than $250.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      Framing a print of our two cats and hanging it up! We’ve been keeping them in a folder to keep them safe, but out of sight, out of mind. Need to get the measurements and pick out a frame.

      Otherwise things have been getting accomplished all over the damn place up in here!

    12. Might Be Spam*

      I need to put on the new license plate renewal stickers by Monday. I had to wait in line at the DMV because I kept putting off getting the emission test and it was too late to renew by mail. The testing locations change every year and it’s a pain trying to find a place and time to get it done.

    13. dapfloodle*

      There’s a pile of mail that I’ve been avoiding tackling. But I’m not going to get to it tonight either since I want to get to sleep at a decent hour. Made plans to open it at a certain time tomorrow so hopefully I’ll stick to that!

  15. WoodswomanWrites, tiny home fan*

    After staying with my friend in her tiny house years ago, I’ve been interested in them. As a lifelong renter, it was mostly just a fun thing to think about. I’m closer to retirement now, a few years away, and I’ve become seriously interested in them.

    Is anyone in the commentariat living in or looking into tiny living? I’ve watched countless videos, reviewed websites and reviews of manufacturers, read the advice about challenges with building codes for houses on wheels, found out about real estate people who specialize in tiny homes, etc.

    There’s an organization called TinyFest that holds an event at a fairgrounds near me once a year, so I went for the first time a few weeks ago. They had incredible experts and speakers, including discussing universal design for aging in place. I had already decided I want a single-story model but the ones I saw online didn’t have enough storage. To my surprise, I saw not one but two models I really like. They are both certified to California building codes and fire-resistant. And of course expensive.

    I’ve decided to leave the SF Bay Area when I retire and have found the area northward that I want to be based on climate, air quality, cost of living, and having friends there. I plan to be connected to sewer and water so I don’t have to mess with being off-grid as an old person. That may mean a mobile home park based on regulations about homes with wheels elsewhere. It will be a few years.

    But now I’m obsessed with all things tiny houses. If you’re a tiny home person presently or planning to be in the future, I welcome any tips you have.

    1. anon24*

      So, I admittedly don’t know anything about tiny homes. But one thing to think about as you are growing older is future mobility issues, either permanent or temporary in case of injury. What happens if you end up in a wheelchair? Or needing to use a walker? You will need enough floor space to navigate around. What if you have a medical emergency? Will EMS be able to easily and quickly get in to get you and get you out, or will a lot of time be delayed on scene trying to squeeze around in tiny spaces because equipment can’t fit or turn? I’m an EMT and you’d be surprised how many people we see who struggle to navigate around their normal sized houses because the hallways are too narrow or the furniture is too close together, and how often it is a mechanical nightmare for us to get people out of their homes because our patient moving equipment can’t fit between things or make turns, even when it doesn’t look cluttered or tight by normal standards. The first thing I’m always thinking of when I go into people’s homes is “how easy could I get someone out of here?” :)

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Excellent points for sure. TinyFest presenters explained accessibility and universal design. That’s where I learned that doorways need to be at least 32 inches wide to accommodate a wheelchair. One of the home models had a doorway between rooms that was narrow and I didn’t even look at the rest of the place.

        The presenters highlighted that because tiny homes are on top of trailers with wheels, you have to consider how practical they are for adding a ramp instead of stairs. Some of them were designed better than others.

        I am in awe of EMTs like you who navigate narrow spaces. I currently live in a building that is more than 100 years old. Five apartments are on three levels with stairways so steep they wouldn’t be allowed today. The steps are so shallow that anyone with larger feet has to turn sideways. I once had to call for an ambulance to take me to the emergency room, and the EMTs bundled me up and got me down two flights of stairs like it was nothing.

        1. AP*

          If you currently live in a place with a lot of steps, something to think about when moving to a one-storey place is maintaining muscle tone. I live in a single storey place due to my disability but have been surprised by what a struggle this was and how quickly my ability to climb stairs at all reduced by not having incidental climbing, even when I found it tough. There are some great exercises you can do to mitigate this, and if you can, it’s worth building in a little walk routine through a place with steps or something. Maintaining muscle tone if and where we can is just so helpful for balance and wellbeing in old age!

            1. WoodswomanWrites*

              As it happens, I have arthritic knees and regularly do physical therapy exercises to keep them strong. And thanks for the well wishes!

        2. DisabledLiving*

          Please be aware that most of the accessibility codes in the US were designed for motorized wheelchairs. As someone with pretty severe mobility issues who uses a walker, I have many, many problems navigating the world in mainly so-called accessible spaces.

          My turn radius is wider than someone in a wheelchair. They can back up which ranges from difficult/painful to impossible for me depending on how my body is working that day. Many door open buttons are stuck in corners I can’t reach or would get stuck in if I went to them. Doors don’t stay open long enough and close on me and badged doors sometimes rock before I get them open. Some ramps are too steep for me to navigate but I can’t handle stairs. Some doorways are too narrow. If I need to carry anything I have to hang it off the side of my walker which makes it wider and even harder to navigate which exacerbates all of the above. They sometimes put bumps on ramps (supposedly to make them less slippery) that I can’t always navigate over and that always cause me pain. And so on.

          You cannot assume spaces rated as accessible are going to work for any particular disabled person. It should work that way but it doesn’t.

          Good luck!

          1. Elizabeth West*

            This is definitely worth considering. My mom used a walker after her stroke. In her ’80s house, there was plenty of room even in her somewhat narrow hallway.

            I used one after my knee surgery and I could not get it from the living room to the back of my 425-square-foot apartment unless I folded the damn thing up because my furniture is in the way. I ended up just keeping it in the bedroom at night in case I needed to get up, and using it to get in and out of the shower.

            But it definitely made me realize that if I had to use it all the time, or if I needed a wheelchair, I’d have to move even if I lived on the ground floor. And most tiny houses are even smaller than my apartment!

            1. Banana Pyjamas*

              They visit an apartment that size in the first episode of Tiny House Nation that’s absolutely incredible. It’s open but the furniture is adaptive so it has everything you could want. My only qualm is the stove; I would have gone with under counter induction.

            2. LBD*

              Sometimes mobility issues in a home can be addressed with railings or hand holds that are installed in places like hallways, bathrooms or bedrooms. One elderly relative was delighted with his smaller u-shaped kitchen that he could navigate simply by holding on to the counter tops.

              1. Elizabeth West*

                This sounds like a really good alternative for a walker. You might still need one for going out, but most of them fold up so they can be stored. I still have the one they gave me. It’s tucked behind the bedroom door. I’m getting old (lol) so I ain’t getting rid of it.

          2. WoodswomanWrites*

            I wouldn’t have thought of that and I appreciate it. I have a walker that I kept from when I needed it after knee surgery years ago.. When I revisit the the two single-story models I’m looking at, I’ll bring it along. I’ll also get the measurements of the walker that my mom uses which has wheels, handles, etc. And thanks for the well wishes!

      2. ThatGirl*

        On top of this, a lot of tiny houses -at least that I’ve seen on hgtv – have lofts to maximize vertical space. Which is great until you can’t climb a latter, or you break your ankle or something. They are not necessarily designed for aging in place.

        Perhaps a small manufactured home would better fit your needs?

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I liked Sarah Susanka’s Not So Big House books, specifically for naming patterns. It helped push me beyond “I like the picture on the left but not the right. But I can’t say why beyond vibes of warmth and coziness.” So my current small Colonial has light on both sides of every room, which I’ve discovered is an important aspect of space for me. And a “circuit” around the staircase rather than dead ends for flow downstairs. Whereas ceiling height I don’t really care about.

      1. fposte*

        That’s a great book, and it’s built upon Christopher Alexander’s A Pattern Language, which is an amazing volume. It looks a little overwhelming but it’s not built as a read through; it’s threat just to skim and see which characteristics are important to you.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Interesting suggestions. I’ve heard of Pattern Language. The Not So Big House books are new to me. Those sound like excellent resources. I appreciate it.

    3. Sloanicota*

      I have stayed in the same tiny house booked on Air BnB several times (because it’s close to an otherwise inaccessible location where I do research), and that’s been really fun and educational. You’ve probably already tried it but perhaps you can find one you can rent stay in for a week or a month and really get the feel of what you would want for yourself.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        I have stayed in a tiny house with my friend for several days and another that was Airbnb, and it was clear that both wouldn’t suit what I want. I’ll look around for a place I can stay that’s more like the design I’m considering. Thanks for the recommendation!

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I have looked into tiny house living before. The biggest tension that I haven’t been able to resolve is balancing our household’s needs for emergency preparedness and living within our means, versus living in under 1000 or even 500 square feet. You can’t keep a pantry stocked when your house is too small for a pantry of any reasonable size. Ditto a wardrobe if your work or hobbies require specialized clothing (rather than dressing like Steve Jobs in the same jeans and turtleneck every day).

      If you can’t have a pantry, then you do your grocery shopping super frequently, or you eat out a lot. Can’t take advantage of bulk bargains if there’s no place to put things, and that can mean food or it could mean any household consumable. Can you fit a washer and dryer in your tiny house? If not, you have to use a laundromat. If you’re self-employed, sure you can work at a computer, but it’s not like you can have an extra room to bring in clients or customers for a lot businesses or side hustles that are amenable to home-based options, so your WFH options are limited and you may have to get an office. Then, unless the tiny house is on a bus route, you might be driving more for your errands and lifestyle. Any or all of these add to the cost of living in a tiny house, which is where I’ve had concerns about how tiny house living might not be living within my means.

      Another thought: if your tiny house is on a plot of land and you have a garden, chickens, shed, barn, etc., is this still tiny house living?

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        It’s good to hear about your experience and everything you mentioned is helpful for me to consider.

        Like you said, the majority of tiny houses I’ve seen online or in person at TinyFest have no storage space. That’s important to me so I don’t look at further. The two models I’m considering have a spot with space for a washer and dryer as well as enough storage for food, clothes, musical instruments, and the biggest item which is my camping gear. It helps that I live alone.

        Transportation is an issue for sure. My plan is to move after retirement. I’m not interested in the extras you mention, even if I could afford them.

        Thanks for your insights to consider, much appreciated.

    5. Generic Name*

      To me the advantage of a tiny house is theoretically you could place it in a really scenic location where you couldn’t or wouldn’t put a permanent house. You’ve mentioned putting a tiny house in a mobile home park. Why not go with a trailer house/mobile home?

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        What I didn’t mention in the interest of not making my post a longer tome is that there is a specific mobile home site that has turned up unexpectedly in the area I want to retire. I’m considering it only because it’s in a corner on the edge of a pasture and it’s ridiculously cheap because the structure on it now is a teardown.

        I’d absolutely love to put it somewhere in a scenic location! Alas, building codes haven’t yet caught up and a tiny home on wheels is illegal in most places in California. That’s changing in some cities and counties, but it will take a while. Finding land to put it on that’s on the grid is also a challenge because the area I’m looking is generally too expensive for me.

        I’m also looking at it differently than when I was younger. As I age, I’m thinking I don’t want to be too far from for services and health care.

    6. Pay no attention...*

      I’ve always wanted a tiny home in theory. As a fellow renter, I’m already accustomed to small space and not really needing much storage, however the tiny homes I see in TV shows and online are smaller sq ft than my 1 bdrm apartment and I definitely want a permanent house on a foundation in a city connected to utilities. So, I think what I actually want is a bungalow, like they used to build here in SoCal post WW2. My dream is to find a little bungalow community that hasn’t been bulldozed to make way for McMansions.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I hear that. I wish I could join a community of small homes, too. I don’t want to be isolated. There are some communities that I’ve found but none in the area I want to live. Drat. Maybe that will change by the time I actually move there.

    7. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I’m curious, what’s the difference between a Tiny House and a small mobile home or trailer home? What does a Tiny House have that you can’t get from, say, a big camper?

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      The erstwhile website The Toast has some hilarious articles about tiny house living–basically a lot of people get enamored of it and fantasize that it’s like living in a dollhouse and can’t understand why a family of four or more might have a hard time adjusting.

      Since that doesn’t sound like what you’re planning, I recommend lots of research and maybe a trial run through Air BnB or similar? Not just a weekend but long enough for the novelty to wear off so you can decide if it’s for you or not.

      If you’re planning to build your own, don’t spend a dime until you know, for sure, the requirements for building, safety and health regulations, and legalities for the spot you pick out.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I’ve heard stories of people buying a tiny house and then getting busted for violating legal regulations after the fact. They thought they could hide from building inspectors, etc. Yikes. I will absolutely not be that person.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Yeah, you do NOT want to suddenly mess up an area’s water supply with untreated waste water, start a fire with bad wiring, and so on. The state/county authorities take it very seriously.

    9. WoodswomanWrites*

      Thanks for all your thoughtful responses. The reason this is on my mind so much That’s why this has been on my mind so much is that there’s spot that’s turned up in the area I want to live in. It’s in a mobile home park but on the edge across from a pasture without a lot of neighbors. The price is low because the building on it now is a teardown.

      You’ve collectively provided me with info I hadn’t considered and I need to learn more about. And based on that, I’m now pondering letting the current and affordable opportunity drift by because I’m not retiring for a while and the timing just isn’t right.

      1. Morning Reader*

        I considered building a tiny when I retired and investigated it quite a bit at the time. I thought from your question that you already knew more than I did anyway, but I learned good info from other commenters too!
        I’m not sure if the place you were considering is a mobile home park where people own their homes but rent the land it’s on. If so, proceed with caution as I’ve heard that companies are buying up parks and raising the rents significantly.
        I ended up finding a small, but not tiny, regular type house that suits me. About 800 square feet. I could get by on less but it’s nice to have a guest bedroom, and room enough to rearrange the furniture when the mood strikes.

    10. LBD*

      I work at a location a long way from home, with housing provided on site. One unit that I have stayed in is a tiny home. It has the option of a bed in the loft, or using a room on the main level as a bedroom. One thing that was difficult was doing exercises or yoga, as there wasn’t enough room to stand up in the loft, no floor space in the main room/kitchen that was wide enought, and the last room would work but only if there was no bed in it.
      I didn’t like the bed in the loft because it involve crawling across the floor to access it, and you couldn’t get dressed easily there. Also the stairs were steep. It was a pleasant place to sleep once you were situated!
      Storage is an issue. There was no closet for cleaning tools like a mop, broom or vacuum. I wanted to put a couch in there, but it needed to be no longer than 6’6″ and it made sense that it not have bulky arms or back and that it had legs underneath that allowed for baskets or drawers on wheels underneath. My laundry basket doubled as a hamper and lived in the shower, which was next to the washer.
      Heating can be an issue. This unit had a heat pump heater/air conditioner, but I needed to use a fan in the loft to make sure that the heat didn’t simply rise and leave the main level chilly.
      I generally found it comfortable and a pleasant place to live while I was there to work, but would find it difficult as a permanent space.
      I also have a son who has twice built himself a home on wheels, first in a sprinter van, and secondly in a cube truck. He is finding the storage and space issues limiting, even though he stores stuff elsewhere (including my guest room ;-( ) and misses having actual space to do things that involve moving around or spreading out. He has been fortunate to find places that have access to larger communal spaces, but it gets old eventually.
      If there was a way for me to make it work, I would choose a small home built in a traditional way, as a secondary unit on a lot with a larger home on it as well. A company whose designs I like is from Vancouver, BC, and is called Smallworks.

  16. Going to France*

    I’m going to France soon, and I’m nervous because I’ve never been there and feel inexperienced with international travel in general.

    Flying from the U.S. into CDG with a 3 1/2 hour layover, then on to my final destination in France. Do I go through customs at both French airports? Just CDG since that is where I’ll first land on French soil? After I booked my tickets, I of course read horror stories about CDG.

    1. Two cents*

      Usually, if you are flying from the US to Europe on the same airline (or group), your luggage will be checked through and you’ll do everything (or most things) on the way out at your final destination. I am sure there are exceptions, though, so call your airline to be extra sure.

      A word of warning (but maybe this is the stuff of horrors you’ve been reading): CDG is FAMOUS for losing luggage–actually, they know exactly where it is, it just doesn’t make it on the plane. So take a few emergency things in your carry on just in case. I always take clean underwear, for example. They’re pretty good at delivering it relatively quickly (mine arrived the next day), but it is still worth being prepared.

      Other than that, I found CDG to be a pretty good airport, as these things go.

    2. Canadian in Scotland*

      You will go through passport control in CDG but will collect your bag at the final destination. I fly through there regularly and it’s got better on the logistics front than it used to be. :)

      You will almost certainly go through security again on the way to your second gate so make sure you empty water bottles etc.

      It will be the same on the way back BTW, passport control in CDG and then pick up your bag + immigration when you land back in your country.

      1. Going to France*

        Thanks! I’ve never done international connecting flights before, so I wasn’t sure how it worked.

      2. Jackalope*

        This is an important note. In the US, once you go through security at your first airport, you’re inside the security bubble until you leave at your final destination (unless of course you decide to leave the airport for a long layover or something). So once you’ve made it through you can do things like buy duty-free stuff that includes lots of liquids and that’s fine. In France if you have a connecting flight you have to go through security again, and once again dump out liquids, etc. So if, for example, you’re wanting to bring a bottle of wine home that you buy at the airport, don’t buy it until you’re through security at your last airport in France – CdG it sounds like. Otherwise they may take it from you. (In my more recent visits I’ve seen times when they would X-ray it and let it through if it was the official airport merch, but I wouldn’t count on it.)

      1. Encouragement*

        p.s. I have been to France approx 12 times over the last 40 years. It is beautiful, and the people are great — ignore the stereotypes! In all my trips I only had one person be rude to me, and many be helpful and friendly. Same was true for other family members on separate trips, so it wasn’t something special about me. I envy you!

          1. tangerine dreams*

            Yes, friendly Bonjour. Especially if you’re going into a small shop like a bakery or cheese shop. Treat people as humans. Try very hard to speak French, even if you do it badly, the effort is appreciated.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I found – at least in Paris – this was not the case, people got super snotty at me if I tried to speak French and immediately ordered me not to bother, “No! We speak English!”

              1. Square Root of Minus One*

                Paris is an exception in France, though.
                Among the French, Parisians have a reputation to be curt and impolite. We even have specific words for “not Paris” and “non-Parisian” (“province” and “provincial” respectively).
                And most of us “provinciaux” do appreciate people speaking French ;)

                1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                  Right! Sorry, yes, that was the specific point I was trying to make and didn’t quite get there :)

                3. Empress Ki*

                  I was born and bred in Paris. I don’t have this impression. I also lived in Toulouse, and I didn’t find the level of curtesy that’s different.

              2. Sloanicota*

                Haha I was thinking, “hm, the people in Paris loathed it when I tried to speak French.” I have heard that it’s especially painful to their ear to hear the language butchered, and also that’s specific to Paris and people out in smaller towns/more rural regions won’t feel that way. I also suspect my French was not as good as I had hoped haha.

                1. Empress Ki*

                  I am from Paris (originally) and I love it when Brits or people from the US try to speak French. This sounds so cute !

              3. Two cents*

                I keep hearing this, but it was not my experience at all in Paris! Some of them were a bit blunt or curt in manner, but that’s been true of many big cities I’ve been to the world over. They were not blunter or curter to me than anyone else, including each other. Most everyone was polite and patient with my very broken French. So I guess YYMV!

                1. Chicago Anon*

                  Greeting everyone when you enter a place (“Bonjour” in the bakery, for example) and leaving it (“Au revoir,” or “bonne journee!”) is standard polite behavior. It also helps to remember that French people in general are not so smiley as Americans, especially at work. They show respect by taking you seriously.

                  On navigating both CDG and French towns in general, remember that the basic geometric figure in France is a star, not a squared grid. If you’re lost or need to find signage, head for what seems to be the center, and you’ll start finding more signs/people to ask.

              4. Hyaline*

                Oh gosh, I experienced the opposite! I felt a real appreciation from Parisian shop owners that I greeted them in French and exchanged pleasantries even though my French is far from perfect. I honestly felt a sea change once between how a couple bakery employees were with the Americans in front of me who weren’t bothering to try and how they were with me!

            2. Esprit de l'escalier*

              On a trip to France many years ago, someone kindly informed me that “Bonjour” is not good enough. To be really polite in a French way, they said you need to add “Monsieur” or “Madame” or “Mademoiselle” after your Bonjour and Au revoir and Merci.

              I used to visit France every few years and used that advice, but now I haven’t been for 12 years. Is this advice still valid? (Assuming it was valid at the time.)

    4. Texan In Exile*

      France and the French are wonderful! But CDG is awful. It’s designed to optimize operations, not the passenger experience. And I have experienced strikes twice: once when arriving and the immigration agents were on strike, which meant we waited and waited to officially enter the country until they had someone to look at our passports and another time when the security agents were on strike and it took us an hour to go through security.

      I have also seen an unattended suitcase be blown up. And I have stood in a very long security line, watching about eight agents clustered around one x-ray machine while two others went unused.

      TLDR: Don’t be surprised if you spend a lot of time waiting at CDG. Do not expect efficiency.

      (But again – outside of CDG, France is absolutely lovely and I have always encountered warm, friendly people there.)

    5. OaDC*

      European airports are different than US airports in a way that my brain is not working well enough to describe right now, just be aware that the check in counters and gates may seem very unfamiliar to you. But you have tons of time, and they want you to get where you’re going and it will all work out.

  17. Going to France*

    Yes–this was all booked as a single itinerary. I’ll be there long enough that I have to check a suitcase. Thanks!

  18. The Prettiest Curse*

    Since this is the time of year when we get inundated with prestige offerings in the arts – is there a book, film, album, TV show (etc.) that’s coming out soon that you’re excited to read, see or hear?

    It’s already out, but I’m really looking forward to seeing The Substance. I also want to see Steve McQueen’s film about London in WWII, which is called Blitz and has a great cast. I think of McQueen as the ultimate London film-maker, so I’m really fascinated to see what he does with the subject matter.

    1. tommy*

      i’m very mixed about the Wicked movie coming out. on one hand, i ADORE Wicked. on the other hand, i think it’s going to be nearly a year before they put out part two! maybe i will wait so i won’t have to wait?

    2. mreasy*

      I was mixed about The Substance based on the trailers, but I LOVED it. I can’t wait to see Megalopolis, even though it may be a disaster… also excited for Anora, and above all the Tim Robinson movie Friendship.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      Not a prestige offering, but I’m really hoping Moana 2 will be good. The original is so wonderful and I know at least the visuals will be stunning.

      I’m also excited for Wildwood next year from Laika, the studio that did Coraline. It’s a cute book and I feel like the story suits their animation style really well, the sneak peeks look gorgeous.

    6. *daha**

      The Last Dangerous Visions – a speculative fiction anthology edited by Harlan Ellison. Ellison published Dangerous Visions in 1967, and followed up with Again, Dangerous Visions in 1972. Both contained stunning and award-winning stories by writers by established and unknown. Ellison announced the follow-up The Last Dangerous Visions, and bought many stories to publish in it, but he never finished the introductions and finalized the content before his death.

      Now J. Michael Straczynski, who was Ellison’s friend in life and is his literary executor/heir, has finished what Ellison couldn’t. Many of the titles Ellison had bought were returned to their authors, and some didn’t hold up for 50-years-late context. There are plenty left, and Straczynski has purchased a few recent submissions as well. The official publication date is October 1, but some bookstores have put it on their shelves already.

  20. Seeking Second Childhood*

    I bought an SUV big enough that my son and dog and I can sleep in the back on road trips. Exciting right? Except now I can’t sleep for second guessing myself.

    It’s affordable, in good condition from a reputable dealer, and It’s more flexible than the RV I had also considered.  But my late husband was such a tightwad that I’m unused to actually spending the money I earn. 

    When I replaced 2 failing kitchen appliances a few months ago, that disrupted my sleep too. 

    It feels like when I was a kid and bought something without Mom’s input and then realized it was cheaply made.

    Have any of you dealt with this kind of anxiety? I definitely will be bringing this up in therapy next week but would love to hear your suggestions and stories to help me in the meantime. 

    1. tangerine dreams*

      yes, I have. I grew up poor, and was quite poor for awhile as a young adult. (I once shared an apt with someone on welfare. It turned out he made more money than I did.) I got “cured” of it slowly – embracing that life is for living. That sometimes you have to buy the most luxurious thing, even if you’re not sure right now how the extra features will help, but they will. I don’t know how old your son is. If he’s young, consider that the camping trips with you will be some of his best memories, and you’re setting a good tone for him. If he’s older, consider that the time that the two of you (and dog!) have together are what life (and money) is for. And, by buying the slightly nicer thing, it will have advantages you will love. You may not see them now, but it will.

    2. Square Root of Minus One*

      I’m a bit like that, not spendy at all, but for appliances the answer was very easy: “think about how your daily life will be improved by having a non failing appliance”.

      E.g.: we changed our vacuum cleaner in July. We had been stuck with a cheap one from the discount store, which failed to pick up most cat letter. I chose specifically a powerful make from a reputable brand, with a big bunch of airwatts. It’s SO GREAT to pick up all the litter and dust in just one swipe I don’t regret any of the €300 I spent.

      I don’t have a car but I suppose it’s the same thing.

      Things are not here for us to serve them. It’s the opposite.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          It’s the missing stair: Appliance Mode, for sure. It can be too easy to tolerate/work around annoying, semi-broken or outdated stuff and feel it’s “too much trouble” or unjustifiable expense to replace something. But why do we think that way?

          1. Angstrom*

            The cumulative stress of lots of daily minor irritations is real. Having stuff that works instead of stuff you have to fiddle with can make a big difference. When you fix a sticky drawer or get toaster that actually toasts the relief is noticeable.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              The new dishwasher that doesn’t sound like a woodchipper definitely lowered my blood pressure

    3. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      We grew up dirt poor and came over as refugees with $200 and suitcases and that’s it. We reused everything and scrutinized the cost of everything.

      I always had this image in my head of people who didn’t live like us – they could afford to pay full price for meat and fix their cars when they broke and not have to always think about the cost of things. It helped me to tell myself that now I am one of those people – kind of like showing myself (or the part of me that felt like a kid stuck in that mentality and influence by others) that a transition had happened.

      You may also consider imagining taking your inner child shopping for things they want – I don’t know if that sounds strange but when I’ve done it, it’s been pretty marvelous.

    4. Vanessa*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be a big transition to be parenting on your own after losing your husband.
      If the concern is that you are literally having your sleep interrupted due to ruminating, something that has worked for me is sleep podcasts. You can google. There is a whole list of podcasts made for this purpose. Though my fav is to the best of our knowledge. It’s actually a great podcast , but I find the hosts voice really soothing. Make sure to set your timer to end at the end of episode. Sometimes they pop to a next (less restful) podcast

    5. Sloanicota*

      I have gone through different “money seasons” in my life, and there is always some adjustment where I realize it’s okay to spend (or not okay to spend like I used to). Rather than regretting the purchase just try to observe how the next year goes, financially, and remind yourself when you note that you’re still meeting your goals. Money is just math at the end of the day, which I find kind of soothing.

    6. Unkempt Flatware*

      Yep. I grew up solidly middle class but I had a father who money hoarded so I thought we were on the verge of homelessness for years. It screwed me up in so many ways.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My FIL is a compulsive saver. He is still wearing the sneakers that tried to fall apart in Australia 15 years ago – he used duct-tape while there and then Shoe Goo when he got home and was utterly scornful of the tour leader who suggested he replace them. As you can imagine, my husband really struggled with spending money. My father, OTOH, believed that once you had enough savings you should use money to make life easier and more fun.

      This didn’t cause as much trouble in our marriage as I expected because I was the higher earner and so hubs didn’t feel like he could say anything about my spending, but when I started to talk about retirement we had to really deal with it. What’s helped him is a combo of 12-step work (his addiction is not money-related; the 12-step process has helped him reframe the messages he grew up with) and realizing he enjoys the luxury that we can definitely afford. It took a long time and lot of therapy. Be gentle with yourself.

    8. AGD*

      I’m also a penny-pincher to an extent that isn’t very reasonable. Reading about the “Sam Vimes boot theory” (inspired by Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books) helped me – spending more usually means getting things that are well-made and that last, so they’re often more cost-effective in the long run.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Other people have made good suggestions about giving yourself permission to spend money that you can afford to spend. One other thing I notice in your post that resonates with me is “what if I made a mistake?” For me, a few things help in that regard. One is avoiding large impulse purchases and doing research, obviously. The other is talking myself through what “mistake” means and how badly one would affect me.

      I sometimes feel a little bit bad when something I just bought goes on sale a month later, or I find a slightly better version than the one I bought. But that’s life. My other option would be waiting forever for the very best deal or the very best item, and never making a decision at all. So long as my thing is Okay, I try not to worry about some other thing that might have been Slightly Better. Or rather, I try to use positive self-talk when I do feel bad about that stuff. The reality for me is, I spent money I could afford on something I wanted, and that’s a pretty good outcome.

      But sometimes, I really did make a mistake. The thing I bought is crappy, or isn’t as useful to me as I thought it would be, etc. Sometimes when I make large purchases, I worry about those things. The thing that helps me then is to think about mitigating the costs to me. If this were to be a mistake, could I re-sell it and recoup some of my costs? Would a small additional investment make it more usable? Could I reframe my expectations/interface so that the thing provides some value to me, even if it’s not what I originally envisioned? It’s very seldom that a purchase winds up being completely worthless to me in every way. So even if it was a mistake, it wasn’t a mistake for the full purchase price, as it were.

      And sometimes, we make mistakes. That’s a part of living life and making decisions. The only way to avoid that would be to never take any actions at all. So even if your SUV turned out to be a bad decision, in the larger scheme, your choice to live a full and robust life with your son and your dog is not a bad decision.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I like Cynthia Heimel’s (a humor writer from the 80s) take on this: when you have to make a decision that isn’t life or death, just go ahead and pick one or the other because the worst that can happen is that you will make a mistake.

          Mistakes happen and unless you’re a completely careless and witless human with no ability to consider consequences at all, they basically won’t be your fault per se; just a conglomeration of circumstances that you couldn’t foresee.

          1. Sloanicota*

            There’s a whole theory of this, “optimizers versus satisficers” that explained a lot of stuff I hadn’t really thought about before. I am not generally an optimizer in most areas of my life and I sort of feel like that’s the key to inner peace.

          2. Jackalope*

            And the nice thing here is that if you end up making the “wrong” choice, then you’ll know better for the future. I’ve had times when I made a decision that I regretted, and so I kept that in mind the next time I had to made a similar choice. For example, not buying the same brand of shoes again because they don’t work with my feet, or not trying an activity again that I disliked. It would only be a problem if I kept on making the same wrong for me choice over and over again.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      There’s nothing wasteful or “outrageous” on spending your own money on a well made thing that you want, just because you want it. You are allowed to want things, despite our society being designed to stimulate impulse buying and shame over our financial “plight” simultaneously.

      Obviously this is easier said than felt, but keep working on it with your therapist!

    11. Pam Adams*

      My brother and sister in law sleep in the back of their minivan when they come to visit us. It gives everyone more privacy, and our bathroom still handy.

    12. Firebird*

      Sometimes making a mistake is worth it in the long term.
      When I got divorced, I was granted alimony, but there was no mention of how to verify my ex’s income. I know he is underpaying me and I haven’t done anything about it. I would have to get a lawyer and go to court which would keep him in my life as well as in my head and it would probably not accomplish much. I consider the money that he cheated me out of, to be a “Keeping Him Out Of My Life Tax.”
      It’s still annoying to know that he is still profiting off me, but the alternative allows him to know that he’s in my head. This way, I can keep ignoring his efforts to connect with me. Not going after the money is worth it to me, because he doesn’t like it when I ignore him. He is currently trying to get our adult children to convince me to respond.

    13. Samwise*

      Yes. Most severely when we bought our house — I finally calmed down when my dad said, Samwise, people who are not as smart or capable as you buy houses everyday and they do just fine.

      More recently, due to several years of one dire family crisis after another, I find I have better perspective on big purchases: eg, what’s the worst that could happen? (I make a list). Even the worst outcome is never as bad as the actual situations I’ve been dealing with.

    14. Girasol*

      I sympathize! I’m in the same place. Once you’ve been frugal it’s so hard to look at something you really want and you know you can afford, and not say, “but really, I just shouldn’t.” With the SUV, though, you can think of it as an investment. It’s good quality, so if you keep it in good shape you can sell it when you don’t need it anymore, get your money back, and still have all the great memories of camping with your son.

    15. Observer*

      Something to think about. You mention buying stuff without your mother’s input and then realizing that you got something cheaply made. When you start second guessing yourself about spending money, remind yourself that you are actually being more financially wise because you ultimately spend LESS when you spend a bit more money up front and get something of better quality.

      Also, it sounds to me like your husband was rather unreasonable and controlling. Breaking out of those constraints can be hard. Especially since it’s easy to feel guilty for the relief and / or pleasure you get from not having to deal with that. If you have not been addressing that directly with your therapist, perhaps that would be a useful line of discussion.

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      You all are amazing. I have a lot to think about and discuss with my son on our trip.

      “Money hoarder”. The freedom to make a mistake–and remembering that I can always sell it if I change my mind. “Money is just math.”
      “Optimizers vs. satisficers”

      It really does come down to making memories and taking care of ourselves….and I have a space to sleep with the dog if I need to not disturb my relatives & their pets.

      Thanks to all of you.

  21. PX*

    What are you watching thread:

    I know there is at least one other rugby person on here – this week I binged the two Chasing the Sun documentary series’ (behind the scenes following the South African mens rugby team at the last two World Cups) and oh my gosh. So emotional. I had seen some clips from social media and hearing players speak about it on other podcasts, so I knew the context of how Rassie uses playing for South Africa to really motivate and inspire the players. But seeing the whole thing in context? Bloody hell, even I want to cry and then go out and do my bit to make my country better.

    So yeah, if you ever want to get emotional seeing how sport can inspire people – have a watch! Both available for free at the Rugbypass TV website (just create a free account, and then go ahead and also watch all the Womens Rugby that is also freely available on there!)

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      American Fiction, about an author who gets fed up as a bunch of things go wrong in his life and so writes what he intends as a satire. Except people completely miss the satire and love it. Really smart and funny.

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        Yes! Just read the source book, Erasure by Percival Everett. The film stayed very true to the book. Ironic, considering the story is about untrue stories. I am going to read everything by this author, and see everything Jeffrey Wright is in. Thrilled by both.

        1. The Prettiest Curse*

          My husband has just finished The Trees by the same author, and he loved it.

          Nice to see the film of American Fiction getting some love too – I thought it was one of the best of last year, and Jeffrey Wright is one of those actors who are great in everything.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I already posted about it in the “joys” thread, but the latest season of Great British Bake Off just started on Netflix.

      And as it’s October, several cable channels are showing lots of horror movies, from vintage to fairly recent, and I’m queueing up a lot of those!

    3. Mitchell Hundred*

      I recently finished both seasons of Love on the Spectrum US, a dating reality show about people with autism (Netflix original). I did like it, but as someone who is himself on the spectrum it was kind of difficult to watch because a lot of the people in it were doing stuff that I’m always worried about doing when interacting with others.

    4. Helvetica*

      I am re-watching Fringe which I last watched about 10 years ago while procrastinating my thesis, so the experience was a bit mixed. But it has held it up so well and it is honestly such a great sci-fi show that took the premise and expanded it to something great and actually believable.

      2. noncommittally anonymous*

        Oooh! Where are you watching it? It was on one channel recently, and I got hooked, but I was never able to watch the whole thing through in order.

    5. fposte*

      I just binged Ludwig, a comedy-edged detective series with David Mitchell as a socially awkward puzzle setter pretending to be his detective twin brother. Utterly ridiculous and with plot holes you could drive a tank through, but still very enjoyable, like a charisma-vacuum Sherlock.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Rewatching Dark Shadows! We start from the very beginning and man, it is WILD to see how “simple” soap opera storylines used to be, and how drawn out–we’re sixty episodes in and just moving to the endless “Who Killed Bill Malloy?/Incriminating Fountain Pen!” arc.

    7. HannahS*

      My husband and I are watching Parks and Recreation. I’d given it a try a few years ago and really didn’t like it, but since he seemed to enjoy it I stuck out the first season and now I really like it! I think it took time to find its legs. We’re just about two-thirds done.

    8. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been watching “Moonflower Murders” on PBS. (It’s a sequel to the earlier “Magpie Murders.”) My local PBS station has been rerunning “Foyle’s War” and, even though I’ve seen it before, I’m enjoying it and catching a lot of details that I missed the first time around. It was very well done.

      Although I don’t watch many shows on the mainstream American networks, I’ve been watching “High Potential” and “The Equalizer.”

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I am too! I’ve actually read both books but cannot recall who the murderer was, so I’m enjoying it.

    9. The Dude Abides*

      I’ve seen clips, but refuse to watch it out of spite.

      I don’t care a lick how good of a coach/motivator he is – his public attacks on referees are beyond the pale in this day and age, and the fact that World Rugby did not come down harder on him is shameful.

      1. PX*

        ooh fair. it does come up somewhat in series 2 but as someone who is also a pro grudge holder, I can respect this.

        did you watch Whistleblowers?

    10. allathian*

      My son wanted to watch Percy Jackson and the Olympians (he’s read, and really enjoyed, the first few books), and we’ve seen the first two episodes. Enjoyable, with a very good young and diverse cast I’m sure we’re going to hear more from in the future.

    11. Agnes Grey*

      I don’t watch a lot of sports but really enjoyed the Welcome to Wrexham documentary – Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney buy a struggling Welsh football club in a struggling former mining town and try to turn it around. There’s such a loving focus on the fans and the town and it really helped me understand why people can be so passionate about their sport/team.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My son and I have been pulling up a few episodes of old shows so he gets family cultural references. MASH, MacGyver, and Golden Girls were already favorites. We watched a bit of Rockford Files, and the next up are Love Boat and Archie Bunker.

      Our conversations around the shows are the best–memories triggered of people who are long gone, and “Oh! So that’s where that comes from!”

  22. new bakery/restaurant*

    When you try a new bakery or restaurant, is there a particular thing you get to judge it by? What is it? Or do you try something new at each place, depending how you’re feeling?

    1. Square Root of Minus One*

      Counter-intuitive: it’s not the food I usually check first, but:
      – the bathroom: if bad, the hygiene concerns are likely to be in the kitchen too ;
      – the size of the menu: the bigger it is, the less likely dishes are to be prepared fresh (I don’t always mind it not being all fresh, but it has a bearing on how much I’m prepared to pay).

      Otherwise, in dishes, I concentrate on items where I can usually distinguish the freshness, “homemadeness” (?) or quality by taste: green beans, whipped cream and vanilla are what come to my mind now.

      When in an area I know well, an effort on the drink menu is a plus: I will appreciate a pub or restaurant going beyond the most obvious offer on local drinks and seeking some more obscure things.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      There are two places near me (one town north, one town south) that sometimes have keough amman, which is like a cinnamon roll met a croissant. I had seen them on BakeOff and was so excited when I found them in real life.

      My general approach is to order what looks good, so it might be that I go to one place for their chocolate chip scones and another for their cinnamon rolls. (I am “Well I like X, guess I shall order it forever” while my spouse is “Novelty is the point.”)

      Something I’ve found holds true for restaurants, from a critic’s advice, is to order the roast chicken. The nice American restaurant we go to for many celebrations always has some form of roast chicken on the menu, and it is reliably great. Even if I am more likely to order the fish or pasta, knowing that they can execute that simple staple is the measure of the restaurant.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My spouse and I are the same way – I have a “usual” pretty much every place I go regularly while he tries to try something new every time.

        On the other hand, that leads to situations like when he tried a croissant stuffed with escargot – he took a bite and goes “I don’t know why people whine about these, it just tastes like garlic butter.” I smiled. He took another bite, made a Whole Face and a visible effort to swallow, and said “That’s because the first bite didn’t actually have any escargot in it.” He did not eat any more of it, but I was immensely entertained.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I could see where it was going after his first bite and when he made the Face I laughed SO HARD.

        2. carcinization*

          I really love escargot and still think it might be a little weird inside of a croissant. Served with bread, sure, though!

    3. Morning Reader*

      How loud it is (whether I can have a conversation or not) and how good the service is.

      If they have a chopped salad on the menu, is it actually chopped?

      Selection of beers.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        How Loud is HUGE for me. A combination of aging ears and the trend for hard surfaces means a lot of places are just noise-filled nightmares for me. It’s no fun to go out to lunch and spend the entire time going “Huh?” when Husband says anything.

        I also hate the local trend of crappy french fries–two of our go-to spots recently switched to them and they SUCK.

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      If it’s a gelato place, I will invariably judge it by their hazelnut and pistachio flavours. If it’s a Thai restaurant, the first thing I try will always be Pad Thai. Any other place, I’ll just order whatever I’m feeling like (funny story, I went to Levain Bakery in NYC and felt like ordering a scone, and I’m still kicking myself almost ten years later because they are famous for their cookies and I didn’t try one).

      1. Bella Ridley*

        I have the same opinion as you on pad Thai and once went to a new place and tried it. Honestly one of the worst things I ever ordered, Thai or not. I tried the same place four or five years later to give them a fair shot and it was worse somehow. I found from reading reviews that the author felt if she made horrible pad Thai it would encourage people to order other, less pedestrian dishes. But I certainly wouldn’t trust a Thai restaurant that can’t master that to make anything else reliably! It’s a wonder they’re still in business.

    5. illuminate (they/them)*

      I tend to judge bakeries by their almond croissant (or bearclaw, if that’s what’s available). If neither, then I ask the cashier what their favorite is and get that. Most of the time it goes well :)

    6. 248_Ballerinas*

      I usually order water as my beverage, but if I order lemonade, I want tangy lemon-lemonade, not too-sweet pink lemonade.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And don’t put a lemon slice in my water unless I ask for one! I absolutely despise that weak-ass lemony taste. Be water or be lemonade but pick a lane.

    7. Generic Name*

      My husband judges a restaurant based in their Rueben sandwich, if it’s that type of place. I just pizza places by their Margherita pizza.

    8. HannahS*

      I judge it by whatever I order. I guess I think that they should stand behind everything they offer.

      When something is clearly not their priority (like they have a vegan, gluten-free muffin that’s clearly from another manufacturer and it’s there to ensure that guests with dietary restrictions have SOMETHING they can eat) I won’t judge their own offerings by that. But I think it’s fair to judge restaurants based on what you can eat! The bakery I described above is a bad bakery for someone vegan. I’d never say that the local chicken place with a mediocre salad bowl is a terrible chicken place, but I also don’t think it’s a good restaurant for me.
      If asked, I’d say, “Other people like the chicken, but their veggie options aren’t great.”

    9. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Definitely food more than atmosphere or service. I can put up with an ugly restaurant and lousy service if the food’s great, but the best decor and service in the world can’t make up for bad food.

      In terms of food-item specifics, I tend to judge a restaurant by my favorite dish in that cuisine — beef stroganoff for Russian, penne a la vodka for Italian, etc. Like Falling Diphthong, I tend to have a favorite thing that I order all the time in a particular restaurant, so they just have to do that one thing well.

      1. Past Lurker*

        That reminds me of a local restaurant that was in a very dilapidated space but had great food. When they moved to a brand new space, their quality went down for some reason. I’m not the only one who noticed either!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Ten bucks says they were taken over by a large firm and “cost-cut” all the things that made the food good.

    10. Harlowe*

      As a former waitress, I know the two “dessert factories” in my area and can instantly tell if a restaurant buys from them. (They’re okay, but I’m sick of them all. Servers get it.) Most places don’t make their own sweets anymore, so I see the exact same items across a large swath of restaurants. Anything made on-site, I give it at least one try (assuming it plays nicely with my food intolerances).

    11. Clisby*

      Bakery: How’s the croissant? This is a deal-breaker.
      Do you have chocolate eclairs or cream puffs?
      Do you have lemon meringue pie?

      Restaurant: Do you understand that “hold the grits” means I do not want grits on my plate?

        1. Clisby*

          My husband says by now I should know to tell them to substitute home fries. It’s like they can’t deal with that empty space on a breakfast plate, and plop some grits in.

    12. Past Lurker*

      For bakeries, I like to try a plain croissant if they have that. For restaurants, I like to order one of their chicken dishes first if they have one. For ice cream places, I try the vanilla flavor first. For coffee houses, I try their mocha first.

    14. Can't Sit Still*

      Gobi Manchurian is my preferred test entree if it’s on the menu, I prefer dry if I have a choice, but even with gravy, it’s delicious. Pad Thai and Tofu Basil is how I determine whether or not I’ll go back to a Thai restaurant. Aloo Gobi is another dish where if they get that wrong, it’s not worth going back.

      At bakeries, I always try the eclairs. There is a local Asian-French bakery where their eclair menu changes with the seasons, and I’m slowly working my way through the year. The coffee is delicious, too. Definitely worth the long lines on the weekend!

      For donut shops, I start with an old fashioned glazed and a maple bar. The old fashioned should have some heft to it and be crisp and lightly glazed. The maple bar should taste like real maple and be so airy it feels like it could float.

      Before the rise of Starbucks, I used to judge a coffee house on its chai. Did it come out of a box or a murky glass jug in the fridge with visible spices floating in it? The latter was preferable, and generally, no two batches were identical. Now everyone seems to think chai is sickly sweet milk with a hint of cinnamon. No ginger, pepper, or cardamom to be found.

    15. FACS*

      For a bakery I judge by their ciabatta, if they have it. For Mexican restaurants it is the tamales. Nothing better than a good tamal. Tiramisu for Italian. For Chinese it is sesame chicken. Not too sweet and has to have sesame flavor. We have a fairly local Ethiopian place and everything is great. I just ask for whatever they would order for their mom.

    16. Future*

      I don’t have a particular food or beverage. I think for me that sort of thing varies so much as to be individual to the place. I more go by other features of a place.

      If it’s a sit-down coffee-serving place, like a coffee shop or cafe or the like, do they have real cups or only disposable takeaway cups. I generally avoid disposable in general, but at least around me a lot of coffee places switched to disposable takeaway cups only during the pandemic and haven’t switched back. In addition to environmental concerns, I just don’t want to sit in a cafe or coffee shop only to drink my coffee out of a shitty disposable cup. It’s not as nice and takes away from the experience. In my opinion a sit-down place that only serves coffee in takeaway cups doesn’t really care about their coffee.

      I also generally rate coziness and comfort high if I’m going to sit in, no matter what sort of place it is. Food quality is important, but the physical space is also part of what I’m paying for. I think chairs should be comfortable and will sit on a raised stool or chair only under duress. A place also should not be too noisy to comfortably hold a conversation with my tablemates unless it is a certain kind of bar on a Friday or Saturday night.

      If it is a place serving food from a non-English-speaking country and with mistakes in English on the menu, I will often rate it higher because in my experience that often indicates quality in the food and less superficial polish. I’m aware this kind of contradicts my previous preferences!

    17. Samwise*

      Restaurants: soups, salads, roast chicken. Things that seem easy but are actually hard to make really well

      Bakeries: croissants — there’s a lot of skill in getting the right flakiness, butteriness, and crispy/shattering. I also eyeball everything for how well browned the baked goods are. It’s surprising how underdone some places make their baked goods.

    18. Clara Bowe*

      Not a specific dish, but I order one of the most basic dishes on the menu (a taco, a sandwich, a cookie, etc) and see how the quality is. To me, if the basic dish isn’t good, the more complicated stuff won’t be either.

  23. tangerine dreams*

    I’ve moved to a new climate, which is a bit wetter and definitely more humid than where I used to be. I’ve noticed black spots developing on the wood of my outdoor chairs. I presume that’s mold or mildew. Given the black spots are *already* there, is there anything I can do to prevent the wood from rotting?

    1. sagewhiz*

      Daughter of a master woodworker here: get the chairs to a well-regarded refinisher and have them properly sealed for your climate.

      Wood set outdoors will eventually degrade in a humid climate, but the sealer will delay the process. Also, ask the refinisher how often they should be resealed—once does not last forever.

  24. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you looking forward to making, in response to either fall’s farm stand bounty or the cooler weather?

    This week I am going to make two reliable hits from Smitten Kitchen: Mathilde’s Tomato Tart beautifully highlights tomatoes. (I use a store-bought pastry crust.) Corn Butter Farro highlights fresh corn. (I’ve made it sprinkled with the herbs and cheese and with a side salad; now I just make a pot of the porridge with nothing to share the stage.)

      1. Jackalope*

        I just posted above about a wonderful pumpkin chili I’ve made before and now I’m really wanting to make it!

    2. Shiara*

      A friend has a pear tree in her yard and showers me in pears. I’ll probably make a few batches of pear bars, some salted caramel pear butter and some ginger pear preserves.

    3. illuminate (they/them)*

      Apple cider! Cider donuts! (Plus the myriad things I can make with good-quality farm apples. Next time you make a grilled cheese sandwich, slice some apple as close to paper thin as you can get and layer it in. Delicious!)

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I was going to say anything apples as well!

        Now that idea for a grilled cheese sandwich with apple…..I’m off to buy some sourdough bread to make this!

        1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

          If you eat meat, cooked bacon is wonderful in this sandwich. When I make it, I use extra-sharp cheddar for flavor and munster for creamy meltiness. Adding a sprinkle of Penzey’s Bavarian Seasoning in the center takes it to a whole ‘nother level.

    4. HannahS*

      I’ve declared this to be the Winter of Dumplings. I make excellent chicken won-tons that are inspired by Woks of Life’s recipe, but I want to branch out into kubbe, dushpara, and gyoza. I might make a batch or two of ravioli (one beef, one butternut squash,) more for my husband–though I don’t object. Needless to say, I’m going to need to clear out the freezer first! And I will work on getting my toddler to try them. The two big foods I’d like to re-introduce her to are dumplings (excellent for making nutritious food appealing) and pureed soups (i.e. no-yucky-texture vegetable delivery system.) Alas, the appeal of the goldfish cracker is eternal.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m making apple cider donut-muffins today! The recipe is from Baked By Rachel but I do mini muffins and only dunk the top in cinnamon sugar because I feel like coating the whole thing masks the apple flavor.

      Kids have requested pumpkin bread so that’ll be next weekend! I’m not much of a cook and especially not a seasonal one but I love to bake.

    9. germank106*

      I am waiting for my Husband to make the first pot of Chili. He won’t make it unless temperatures dip below 70 for at least a week.

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        I eat chili year round, but we’re getting to the time of year I like to have chili and hot chocolate.

        1. Professor Plum*

          This makes me think of a fairly new-to-me recipe that I love with chocolate in the chili. Turkey Mole Chili at primalwellness dot com. I use a mix of ground turkey/ground beef when I make it. Yum!

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      Making RecipeTin Eats Chicken Ragu with pasta. It’s one of those dishes where the total greatly exceeds the sum of its parts.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      Husband’s apple pie (he’s making it on Monday!)

      My pumpkin chocolate chip cookies with lemon sugar glaze.

      Soups galore!

      Mexican meatloaf with mashed sweet potatoes.

      Pot roasts and hot sandwiches.

      Now I’m starving!

    13. Elizabeth West*

      Pumpkin bread, pumpkin cookies, and I would like to make a chicken pot pie with the rotisserie chicken bits I have in the freezer.

    14. Might Be Spam*

      I made a half bushel of cinnamon applesauce. I want to make apple pie filling next, but I don’t have anyplace to store it when I finish.
      I cooked down the apple peels, but I’m not sure what I will end up doing with them, yet.

    17. Peanut Person*

      we moved this summer, so I didn’t get a chance to start a garden. But the last three years, I was drowning in zucchini by this time. I actually miss it! My secret is to let it dehydrate on the counter. It actually lasts at room temperature all the way through December if there are no issues with its skin.

      I would love to whip up zucchini whoopie pies, zucchini muffins, zucchini brownies, zucchini cookies with frosting, or Mexican roasted zucchini (which has basically taco seasoning and you can use queso fresco crumbles or feta cheese).

      This year, I am making pumpkin cream cheese bars instead. I refuse to buy zucchini :)

    18. Girasol*

      I like to can chunky spicy applesauce made with tart flavorful apples and a touch of honey (which is a whole different thing from the grocery store’s apple mush made from tasteless apples.) For autumn breakfast, sliced apples fried in butter and sprinkled with cinnamon and a tiny bit of brown sugar. And for the first dinner of autumn, baked squash stuffed with crumbled breakfast sausage fried with onions and apples. Yippee, it’s apple season!

    19. All Pumpkins are Squash*

      Today I bought and roasted delicata squash. Sliced into half moons, olive oil, salt, pepper. I are almost half of them right off the tray! It’s a chilly, wet day here, and that felt just right

  25. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

    What are your tips for when your life is falling apart or you’re being challenged on all levels (physically, relationships, trauma, death, guardianship of adults etc etc) and you’re doing mostly all the right things and just kind of have to hold on and wait for them to settle?

    So much is happening!!

    I’ve been walking each morning for 3-5 miles, and that helps me a lot. I’m in both physical and talk therapy. I’m sort of doing my hobbies, it’s hard to stay connected to them. I’m reaching out to supportive people. I’ve dumped all the things that aren’t strictly necessary and don’t bring me peace or joy or fun. I even had the privilege of getting away by myself for a weekend. I’m doing a lot to try to increase my capacity to deal with this monster waterfall of change.

    I just feel so … overwhelmed at the amount of stuff that’s going on in my life. I told someone one (relatively!) smaller thing (beloved family member died unexpectedly and as a result we are now having to plan for guardianship of another adult family member) and they were empathetic and complimentary of how I was handling stuff at work. It floored me because as big as that is, the other stuff going on is much bigger and I’m wondering how I’m holding myself together.

    So … like … any specific wonderful ideas that work for you specifically, and what about them works for you?

    Thank you!

    1. Sloanicota*

      Ugh, this sounds so hard I’m sorry. I feel like there’s a relatively small subset of mental self-care type things you can do for yourself, and it sounds like you’re doing them: finding beauty, distraction techniques, erm alcohol which I can’t really recommend, and exercise. But I also think we can’t really “self care” our way out of legit tragedies! Self care is best for like, “everything is great but I still feel sad and anxious sometimes” or “I’m under some stress but it’s good stress in work I want to be doing.” There’s no like, “hurricane Helene wiped out my town but it’s fine because I DO YOGA.” So sometimes I think the only “tricks” that saved me in the past are like, being ruthless about taking everything non-essential off my plate / using every inch of leave allotted to me / leaning on other people and services to handle things for me / throwing money at the things that will work on, when I can. Sending you good thoughts.

      1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

        This cracked me up thank you. You’re right, I appreciate the validation.

        “ hurricane Helene wiped out my town but it’s fine because I DO YOGA.”

    3. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I think you’re doing all the things you can to get yourself support and downtime. It is hard to navigate a myriad of major events and life altering changes. So kudos to you for being thoughtful and meticulous about the situations and yourself.

      No other major suggestions, but as I have been thinking about the possibility of concurrent major life events happening myself, your approach resonates. Scratch that, I’d say it’s OK to have a terrible day/days and just acknowledge that, if you’re a person like me, who feels I need to be “on” all the time, even during challenging times.

      What I will say, is that even though these events are occurring, and your life might have a “new normal” down the road, the new normal can be very fulfilling. Bumps, molehills and mountains in the road are very stressful to deal with as these events and their aftermaths occur, but things will settle and you’ll be able to “do life” and enjoy it, even if it has a bit of a different flair.

      Both sympathy and empathy for what you’re going through.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I’ve dumped all the things that aren’t strictly necessary and don’t bring me peace or joy or fun.

      I think this part is key. Also the regular exercise and occasional hobby. Those really are right. Small in the moment joys that you fully concentrate on are a standard of dealing with overwhelming rough stuff that is largely out of your control. (Lots of people at the cancer center recommended the presurgical counseling, so I signed up for it. Expecting a diet and exercise focus. But it was all on mindfulness, about techniques to be in the moment and focus on what I could affect. And really helpful.)

      This year a friend from college touched base and asked about my passing reference to cancer and my mother’s death, and I wrote out to her what I’d been going through over the past few years, and it was really cathartic. Putting it all out in an email made me realize how completely overwhelmed with rough stuff I was for 2018-2022, and that feeling beaten down after all that was obviously how I would feel. I wasn’t coping badly; I was just coping with a long string of rough things, and then the time needed to recuperate from the accumulation even as various parts got better.

      One thing that really helped me was that I did a lot of acupressure in ’23, at the recommendation of that presurgical counselor for the type of pain I was having. I figured I would give it a shot because she had been so helpful, and it made a huge difference that my husband and children commented on. They were so glad that I had tried, even though they knew how exhausted and hunkered down I was at that point. So I’d advise to be open to that kind of thing–the flip side of dropping all the things that are not immediately helpful is that there might be good advice to try something from someone who truly understands your situation, and it can be really worthwhile to give that new thing a shot.

      1. slowingaging*

        The thing that helped me. A friend pointed out….I had normalized stress. What I was dealing with for several years wasn’t normal. And my body was pointing out to me the truth

    5. The Week Ends*

      I think you’re doing it! I was in this boat not long ago. Talk therapy was very helpful to dump my anxieties and worries on someone with no skin in the game. Also give yourself grace to have bad days, days where little else gets done. Finally, recognize all of this takes time and it’s hard to have patience working thru a long term problem, but some of it will resolve or improve in the long run. Take care!

    6. MissGirl*

      I was going through the worst year of my life last year. I was trying so hard to keep a good attitude and ask myself what I could learn from it all. I was so exhausted and sick. Then I heard a podcast called Mentally Stronger on grieving. She said something that struck me. Yes, you can learn from bad times but not while you’re going through them.

      In fact, the more you force yourself to be okay, the longer your suffering can last. Think of it like trying to walk off a broken leg or trying to repair your house during a tornado. Sometimes you have to hunker down and get through it. I don’t know that my actions changed per se but giving myself permission to not be okay took so much pressure off me. If I oversleep every day for a week, it’s okay.

      I started to do better naturally when my body and mind were ready. I slowly went from walking around the block to hiking from sleeping to eight to waking up at 6:30 without an alarm.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I was trying so hard to keep a good attitude and ask myself what I could learn from it all.
        This attitude has recently gotten a ton of pushback from the community of those in cancer treatment.

        Really agree with what you say about any learning happening after, not during. (It’s a pet peeve on Survivor, that the host really really really wants people to have transformative experiences in real time. And that doesn’t happen. I actually really like returnee seasons, here and on e.g. Top Chef, because it’s interesting to see how people approach things differently just because riding the Earth around the sun a few times has changed what they value.)

      2. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

        Man, I cried when I read this. Thank you.

        “ Yes, you can learn from bad times but not while you’re going through them.

        In fact, the more you force yourself to be okay, the longer your suffering can last. Think of it like trying to walk off a broken leg or trying to repair your house during a tornado. Sometimes you have to hunker down and get through it. I don’t know that my actions changed per se but giving myself permission to not be okay took so much pressure off me.”

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      So sorry you’re having a LOT to deal with! I agree with everyone above that you sound like you’re already doing a lot of great things for yourself and that it’s okay to give yourself grace to feel lousy sometimes.

      If any of your hobbies requires a strong focus for an hour or two, that might be one to prioritize–when I was having a very rough time, it was so great to be at band rehearsal and have a few hours where what I was worrying about was counting measures and coming in on time instead of my dad’s health.

      Listening to music has been helping me deal with stress. I commute by car now, and having a couple of music stations that I really like on the car radio has given me a big boost of dopamine whenever I drive. It fires up those positive neural pathways!

      And I agree with other commenters here that sometimes things just legitimately suck and that it’s okay to give yourself permission to work through everything slowly, even if you think you “should” be doing so faster.

    9. Harlowe*

      I’m in a similar situation; September marked a year since everything went wrong at once. In regards to the “people” problems, those involved have demanded complete privacy about their issues (incurable diagnosis, addiction, and legal problems across 3 family members) so literally nobody other than me knows all the pieces of the puzzle. It’s wild to get sympathy and “You’re so strong” comments from people who only know about one-third of what I’m going through.

      I’ve looked into somatic experiencing because the descriptions like “functional freeze” ring true to my behaviors, but it’s all scammy online courses and vague pay-to-pay videos. I can’t find enough information to determine if it actually helps, or if it’s just another woo-woo trend. I wish I could find legitimate sources about this topic since it really resonates, but I guess the fact that I cannot is the answer.

      1. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

        I can so relate to people thinking you’re strong and yet having no idea. It’s wild indeed.

        I do somatic experiencing therapy and it has been a whole game changer for me, so if you can find a good therapist (and a lot of somatic coaches are also good) I’d definitely put my recommendation behind it.

        Wishing you peace ahead.

      2. allathian*

        Sounds really tough, I’m sorry. But I also think that your loved ones put you in an untenable position by requiring you to keep their secrets. I’m not saying that you should shout them from the rooftops, but you also need someone who can understand all that you’re going through.

        At the very least, I recommend a therapist who’s paid to keep your secrets, and if you’re religious, your “spiritual adviser.”

      3. Observer*

        In regards to the “people” problems, those involved have demanded complete privacy about their issues (incurable diagnosis, addiction, and legal problems across 3 family members) so literally nobody other than me knows all the pieces of the puzzle.

        This may or may not apply to you, but I am going to say that sometimes it’s ok to not go along with that demand. Obviously I’m not suggesting that you just ignore what people need and want, but sometimes people are unreasonable and it’s ok to meet your needs.

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so very sorry you’re going through all of this!
      In addition to the wonderful comments above, one thing I have found extremely helpful to keep me feeling centered and calm are the somatic exercises on the Johns Hopkins website. If you google that it will come right up. Some are only five minutes long, so easy to fit into your day.
      I wish you all the best!

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m so sorry for all that you’re dealing with.

      Rachet down the things you “have” to do to an absolute minimum. Just hoard your energy and time like you’re Scrooge pre-ghost visits.

      If going out, say for lunch, is mentally good for you, do so as often as you can. If it’s the inverse, stay in and order takeout (or cook simple stuff if you like to cook.)

      Watch tons of soothing TV. Murdoch Mysteries and Remington Steele streaming got me through a recent crisis.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, Remington Steele is so calming! Similarly, Death in Paradise saved my sanity a while ago when I had a need-to-move-out-because-of-flooding-and-mold crisis like yours.

    12. Zweisatz*

      It may sound basic, but food and sleep. It sounds like you probably have that down, but generally an emotionally or psychologically taxing situation has never been helped by getting too little/very irregular nutrition or too little sleep (as much as both are possible. I do understand the conundrum of both potentially getting harder when things are bad).

    13. Janesfriend*

      Overwhelm for me usually manifests in not being able to sleep. I do a version of Yoga with Adrienne’s ‘sleepy time/calm down/relax’ yoga every night. I find it stops some of the circling in my mind and also releases tension. I hope things ease up for you soon.

    14. Part Time Lab Tech*

      Multiple life stressors has been a theme since 2020 for me and what’s helped has changed over the years. All the stuff you mentioned sounds great. Keep moving physically even if it’s just a little. Pay attention when something isn’t working and adjust or stop. I had plantar fasciitis last year and pushed through doing 2 pilates classes a week but only got better when I accepted it was making it worse. I rested, then did exercise physiology once a a fortnight, then rested again over the school holidays. Combined with inserts, it cleared up early this year but I only do one class a week.

    15. Rolling with it*

      I really hope this is taken in the spirit I mean to give it. I went through a really similar period recently and a lot of the things you are doing I also did, and they helped. Especially realising how many amazing friends and loved ones had my back after I reached out to them.

      But another thing that worked for me was I started opening my mind to the idea of a higher power (not necessarily believing, but opening my mind). I cannot tell you to start doing this, obviously, as it’s not just something you can decide to do and it’s so, so personal. I was surprised myself, coming from very much a non-spiritual or religious background. But I found myself in a particular set of circumstances that made open-mindedness to spirituality make sense, and it helped me. I started with non-religious meditation, learned a bit about Buddhism and loving kindness and detachment, and then met someone from a theistic religion who encouraged me to at least open my mind a bit to the possibility that a higher power exists (I was raised to be a pretty hard-nosed atheist). So if that resonates with you, it might be another arrow in your quiver. Absolutely not saying finding God will fix your problems, or even that it’s something you can just decide to do! I don’t feel I’ve found God. But the change in mindset definitely helped me to accept some of the shit that was happening to me and to roll with it.

      In any case, best of luck hanging in there.

      1. Miss Buttons*

        My dad, a WW2 vet, used to say there are no atheists in foxholes. That’s when he started praying.
        I started praying at the lowest, most desperate time of my life, because someone suggested it and I was willing to try just about anything.
        Funny thing about prayer and opening to a higher power: I don’t why it works but it does. It has nothing to do with religion. I’m not a religious person and don’t belong to any particular faith tradition. It has everything to do with realizing that maybe, just maybe there is a benevolent force at work out there and maybe it wants the best for me and it is way more powerful than me. And maybe if I ask for help and harness that power my life can get better. Hey, it’s worked for millions of people in 12-step programs. And definitely for me. Maybe there’s something to it.
        The gift of desperation was the best thing that ever happened to me.

    17. Observer*

      If you are religious “Let go and let G-d”.

      If you are not religious, still “Let go”.

      Understand that there are limits to what you can accomplish. Both in terms of what you can actually do but also in terms of outcome. Realize that even if you do all of the right things, you can’t really control the outcome. Embrace it. It is extraordinarily freeing. You’re a responsible person who cares about others, so you’re obviously not going suddenly stop doing things that need to be done. But the pressure to get it *right* every time, and the feeling that if things are not going the way you want / hope it’s a sign that you are not doing it right / not doing enough is a huge burden that gets lifted.

      And also, throw as much money at stuff as you can. There are some things that only you can do. But keeping your house in order? Cooking? Shopping? 9 times out of 10, you can pay someone to do a significant portion of these things.

      Even the more complex kinds of things that you cannot farm out can often be made easier with the help of someone who does stuff like this professionally. Like the guardianship situation – if you can someone who deals with this kind of stuff a lot, who is familiar with the options and can both guide you and even maybe do some of the leg- and grunt-work, that could be enormously helpful. Obviously I don’t know if that’s practical in your particular case, but I mention it because people often don’t think about the possibility even when it really exists.

  26. Sitting Pretty*

    I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. It really is so much all at once! I’ve been in the throes of a bit thing for about a year now that hasn’t let up for lots of reasons and it’s for sure true that that level of stress and overwhelm will wear you down in every dimension of your life. So it’s great that you’re asking this question.

    For me, I had to develop a meditation practice. I had dabbled in meditation before but in the midst of this crisis about 10 months ago, I realized that I had to commit fully to daily practice. Because even when you’re exercising, talking to friends, and doing other self-care things, your mind is never getting a break. It’s just spinning out plans, constantly running background calculations on a thousand different possible scenarios. Even when you’re sleeping! It’s utterly exhausting.

    So to give my over-taxed brain some rest I made myself learn to meditate. Read some books about it, started journaling about it, and set up 2x daily sessions to really establish the habit. It took a couple months and it was REALLY hard at first but it’s paid off dividends. My life is still in major upheaval but I have this quiet sanctuary of here-and-now that I can slip into every day. My body, mind, and spirit are all more even as a result.

    Whatever you do, try to be gentle on yourself. There’s no magic wand, most of the time you just have to bumble your way through the hard middle. Good luck.

    2. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      Thank you so much. I used to really struggle with meditation(things that make me feel better were specifically targeted by an abusive person, so feeling good become synonymous with lack of safety to me, which is every bit of the mindfuck it sounds) and I’ve been working through and had some recent major breakthroughs that I’m relieved about. I recently discovered Loch Kelly and his stuff really clicks for me, but I haven’t been consistent. Your comment rings true to me and I’ll set up a deliberate practice ahead. Thank you, sincerely.

  27. Chicago-curious*

    Any Chicagoans here? If you were to buy or rent a small (for one, middle-aged person) condo or apartment that provided good access to main transport arteries and downtown amenities … where would you focus your search? I don’t need fancy or luxury; however, character, walkability (no car), the arts, safety, and local flavor are all priorities. Budget-wise, I’m looking for median range — not too high and not too low. Thank you!

    2. Texan In Exile*

      Not Chicagoan but Chicago adjacent. You are wise to not want a car – we drove from Milwaukee to Chicago last night for a concert and it took us about an hour to go the first 70 miles and then over an hour to go the last 25.

      If you are inside the Loop, you can do everything you want to do by walking and you can take public transit to the suburbs.

      But also – anywhere on the L or the commuter line would also be OK – Chicago transit is really easy. (The catch is that you might not be in walking distance of a grocery in some of the suburbs. My friend lives in Morton Grove, which is super cute and on the commuter line. When they bought their house 30 years ago, they were two blocks from a grocery store, but it has since closed and the nearest one now is a 15 minute drive.)

    3. Masked Bandit*

      Ravenswood/Andersonville/Lincoln Square probably fit the bill. About half an hour to the Loop on the el, relatively near the lake, super walkable and with good restaurants, theaters, arts orgs and a neighborhood feel.

      1. Chicago :)*

        Seconding Lincoln Square. Cute neighborhood, great restaurants and shops, and has a convenient El station.

      2. Samwise*

        My son lives in the neighborhood and I spent a couple months there this summer. Big thumbs up.

        I lived in Hyde Park for ten years back in the last century. I’d choose Uptown for sure if I could go back.

    4. Not A Manager*

      For a pied-a-terre, I personally would start along the lakefront. If you go a bit north or a bit south of downtown rents are more affordable, while you still have amazing access to public transport, the parks and the lakefront. Many of those neighborhoods are quite walkable and have fun shopping and restaurants a few blocks west.

    5. Clara Bowe*

      Ok, depends on your budget. Irving Park/Jefferson Park are good options with both Metra and L options, but a little more ~suburban~ in terms of feel. I also really recommend checking out McKinley Park on the south side. It is right near the Orange Line, and has excellent access to downtown and stores/art/food. Bridgeport is also pretty neat and closer to the Red Line/Chinatown.

  28. Why not reuse grocery bags?*

    Truly curious: for grocery shopping I see sooooo many people getting brand new fresh bags every grocery shopping trip. What is everyone doing with all those bags? What’s the mindset? It’s so easy to just have a few bags in the car (if you have a car) that I don’t understand. Yes, I’m being a little judgy but it’s so prevalent, that I’m wondering what is the social construct there.

    1. Peanut Hamper*

      We weren’t allowed to use reusable grocery bags during the early part of the pandemic, and I guess people got out of the habit.

      I gather up all those bags in one bag and drop them off in the bag recycling that is at the entrance of most grocery stores around here. I don’t know that they actually get recycled, but I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

      Also, I’m not entirely sure that reusable bags are all that much better for the environment wince they are also made of plastic and may or may not be recyclable. A cloth bag is definitely the way to go, but they are much harder to find and much more expensive.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Cloth bags are hard to find in square bottomed style, too. Regular tote styles don’t hold much grocery wise.

        1. Girasol*

          I sewed square bottomed bags out of some sturdy fabric that was on sale – dozens for me and for family gift giving one Christmas. I used an old fashioned paper grocery bag for a pattern which made the project easy for someone with only basic sewing machine skills. I’m still using my dozen fifteen years later. They hang on a hook at the door so I remember to grab them on my way out to the store. Back in the days when grocery stores charged a nickel for each bag you took (whatever happened to that, anyway?) they paid for themselves.

      2. Wolf*

        Interesting! In my part of the world, almost all grocery stores offer paper, plastic or fabric bags. The fabric bags are usually 5€ for a basic design, and around 10€ for something fancy or fun. I currently have one in my handbag that is 8 years old and starting to fray, so I bought a new one with a cute print from a local artist.

        Also, we never had rules against reusable bags during the pandemic, because the employees do not touch our bags.

      1. tangerine dreams*

        In my country they’re no longer allowed to have single-use grocery store bags, you can buy one made of heavy plastic, or you can buy or make cloth bags. The reason I have to buy bags is exactly what RussianInTexas said: I use the bags for groceries and they don’t make it back out to the car before I do more grocery shopping. So, it’s not that i don’t reuse grocery bags, it’s that you are fixated on judging me when you see me buy some. I can go on to say what makes it so hard to return the bags to the car immediately after unloading, but I suspect that won’t make a difference.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          I had to come up with a system. We do grocery shopping sometime over the weekend, usually Sunday morning. The bags go inside the house, and stay in the kitchen until I clean later that day, and then they go into the garage, wall hooks where I will walk by them and will see them next time we go to the store.
          We have a set of three huge bags from Costco (which they never sold ever again), that most of the weekly shopping would fit, extra strong with padded shoulder straps. They are amazing and I make sure they always come with me. I also have a few small bags from the local grocery store that now live in my trunk permanently for emergencies.
          But it still took some training to make sure the big bags make it to the grocery store.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            I would say Aldi trained me to keep a few small bags in the trunk, since they don’t provide the single use bags, paper, or plastic.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            My neighbor gave me this weird little octopus-looking hanger thing she got from the Temu app (she loves that dumb thing). I stuck it to the fridge and hang my reusable bags from there. Since I park out back and go out the kitchen door if I’m driving somewhere, I can just grab them on the way out.

            Re your Aldi comment, they do sell paper and reusable bags at the checkout.

    3. Hanani*

      I typically use cloth bags, but when I get plastic grocery bags, I use them for my bathroom trash can. When I get paper bags, I use them to hold all the paper that I then take to Paper Gator recycler (they pay people for paper/cardboard that they turn into things).

      I suspect most people are just in the habit and throw them away after.

    4. Be the Change*

      I take my own when I remember to put them in the car. when I don’t, I use the plastic bags for my kitchen trash.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I have to pack up and bring all my various plastic bags into work since our apartment recycling company won’t accept them (they clog the sorting machines.) It’s a pain but I can do ALL the kinds of packaging, from single use to bread bags to cereal liners to Amazon packages, so totally worth it.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          We switched to compostable bags for the litter after we started using the wheat-husk based stuff. Still has to go into the trash but at least it will decompose faster!

      2. Harlowe*

        Yup. Scooping the cat litter and lining the bathroom trash cans. I go through so many that my parents give me their stash, too. If I didn’t reuse the grocery bags, I would need to buy bags.

        1. Lil Bee*

          Same here – used litter, trash can liners and for my lunch and water bottle in my work tote bag. Keeps the condensation off paper work.

      3. carcinization*

        I have two cats, so I use one or two grocery bags per day for cleaning out their litterboxes. If I didn’t, I would have to buy a large amount of bags for this daily task.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      The mindset is that once you start a pattern, it’s very easy to continue in that pattern. The way you have done things in the past, and seen them done around you, is the way those things are done.

      Perhaps relatedly, I find the concept of kaizen–continuous gradual improvement–to be exhausting. Whereas wabi sabi–awareness of and pleasure in impermanence–resonates with me. (I really like Andy Goldsworthy’s sculptures made with fall leaves, for example.) I think antagonism toward making a change might be pretty common in people who find “But you could always do this thing you’re doing better!” to get our shoulders up as the speaker metaphorically tries to grab our limited spoons.

      1. Why not reuse grocery bags?*

        Falling Dipthong resonates with me and it very helpful. The pressure to always be just a little bit better (no matter what we’re doing) IS exhausting.

        I really am curious (and yes a little judgy) and these responses help me with understanding and frankly to back myself off a bit.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I have realized that one thing my husband loves about sailing is that, because of the vagaries of the wind, there is always a thing to fidget with to optimize your speed. Let this line out two inches, pull this sheet in half an inch, slightly change the tiller, etc. It’s like some ur-kaizen experience. Whereas I want to just aim the boat and then not think about any of this until we need to tack so as not to hit the shore.

    7. MissGirl*

      I’m single so if I use a regular size garbage bag, it often starts to smell before it’s full. Now I use my grocery bags as garbage bags. As for why I don’t use reusable, I pick up my groceries through the drive up and that’s not an option.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Impulsive space cadet here. Going to the grocery store is often not planned, and if it is, I forget to bring a bag. And I forget to put bags back in the car after bringing stuff in (again, requires planning and focus).

      I’m also a little sad about some unforeseen consequences of the “single-use” plastic bag ban. I used to reuse those as the perfect in-home garbage bags that made it super easy to throw out kitchen and bathroom garbage frequently and promptly using the garbage shaft in my apartment building. Not having them anymore is one of the factors that contributed to my horrible roach problem — other mini-garbage bags just aren’t as easy to hang and tie up, and so I don’t throw out garbage as frequently as I need to to keep the roaches at bay.

      1. Double A*

        I’ve heard people lament this effect of bag bans but… you can purchase small trash bags. At the very grocery stores where you used to get the free bags. For less than 10 cents per bag which is what lots of places charge if they do allow you to take home bags.

        1. Generic Name*

          Yep, agreed. Plus, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a small garbage can liner twisted in a tree branch. Just plastic grocery bags.

        2. KatCardigans*

          They say why: “other mini-garbage bags just aren’t as easy to hang and tie up.” Which is true, in my experience. I use the mini garbage bags, but the handles on grocery bags *are* easier to work with.

      2. HBJ*

        Right? I find the “single use” plastic bag bans to be greenwashing. They were never “single use.” We reused them for trash (yes, I can buy plastic trash bags, how is that better than reusing ones I got for free?), lunch sacks, lining wet shoes when we didn’t have time to dry, packing when sending fragile things, I could go on.

        Where’s the ban on true single use plastic bags – the ones on the rolls for veggies and meat, the tubes that ground meat and sausage are packaged in, etc.? Oh yea, that would be hard, so we’re not going to do it. Greenwashing.

        1. A313*

          Greenwashing, yes. I’ve become very disillusioned by the whole recycling effort, especially the consumer-end recycling part. And when I somewhat recently read the statistics on plastic recycling specifically, I decided I wouldn’t be making any extra efforts to recycle plastics; if it’s easy and convenient, yes, but if it requires time, water/cleaning, or effort, I’m out. And I’m someone who historically defended the poor rates of recycling, saying that if we consumers didn’t do our part, that would provide the excuse not to invest in proper recycling programs and technologies. Now, 20-some years in, I feel a bit of regret for my efforts.

    9. California Dreamin’*

      I religiously use cloth bags for my main shopping every week. However, I do a secondary shopping at another store, and during the pandemic I got in the habit of using store pickup there. They bring it out in heavy duty plastic bags (the lightweight single-use bags aren’t allowed here.) I despise these plastic bags, but I just can’t quite bring myself to start doing my own shopping again at that store because of the time savings. My husband does our Trader Joe’s shopping, and he doesn’t bother to bring cloth bags. He gets their paper bags, and we reuse those every day to line our wastebasket where we toss our recycling (cans, bottles, junk mail) and then we pick up the bag and toss the whole thing in our recycling barrel for pickup on trash day.

    10. Double A*

      I try to use reusable bags but I’d say about 1 in 5 times I haven’t put the bags back in the car. And when my ADHD husband shops, it just literally doesn’t occur to him.

      I save the bags and we use them as small trash liners (plastic) or for random sorting/transporting things I’m giving away (paper). But I built up such a collection during the pandemic that I definitely am trying to get through the backlog; people who say they reuse ever plastic bag they take home… I mean that’s wild because it’s so many.

    11. KatCardigans*

      I usually get paper or plastic bags, both of which we reuse for other household needs. I don’t find it difficult to put reusable bags back in the car after unloading groceries, but I find it nearly impossible to remember to bring them from the car into the store—I’m always grocery shopping with a toddler, and by the time I have her and all of her stuff, there’s about a zero percent chance I remember to open another door and get ANOTHER thing out. I usually do have one reusable bag with me because it stays in her diaper bag, but one bag is not enough for a grocery trip, and it doesn’t feel worth getting it out. If I lived in a location that had banned non-reusable bags, I would almost certainly end up buying new ones. I’d kick myself for it, but it would happen.

    12. Old Plant Woman*

      I collect paper bags to use under mulch and as fire starter in our wood stove Don’t get new large plastic bags and use produce bags for cleaning cat boxes.

    13. Glomarization, Esq.*

      In our house, reusable grocery bags are stored on a hook by the door that leads to the car. This way, we can’t forget the bags any more than we can forget the car keys. After groceries are put away, the last step in the entire grocery shopping task is to put the bags back on the hook.

      Also, I keep a reusable grocery bag in my daily commuter bag. And then, again, if I end up using the bag, I put it back in my daily commuter bag after I empty it.

      1. Maestra*

        This is what we do, too!

        I live in a state where plastic bags have been prohibited since the pandemic (even when we weren’t allowed to use our reusables, they used paper bags). I do still get the plastic produce bags and use those for cat litter. As for smaller trashcans, we keep the cans lined, but dump that small trash into our kitchen trash when it fills up, so we don’t have to keep replacing the small bags. We only replace that one when it gets really gross.

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        They’re stored in the garage, so if you go out that way, it’s easy to grab them. The cars are in the driveway, not in the garage, and I almost always leave the house by the front door so I don’t remember the bags. My husband leaves through the garage and he’s much more likely to bring them.

        And I don’t keep them in the car because then I carry them in the house and they get put back in the garage where they belong…

    14. office hobbit*

      I use the paper bags while organizing/decluttering in my house–they’re useful for donation drop offs. My area doesn’t have thin plastic shopping bags anymore, but I use the thin produce bags for trash and cat litter.

    15. The OG Sleepless*

      I use them for picking up dog poop on walks, for scooping cat litter, and for tossing out anything else that’s too gross to just put in the trash. During the last few month’s of my old dog’s life, there were often multiple messes a day. I use reusable bags more than half the time, but if you see me with 8-10 plastic bags, it’s because I’m running low.

    16. Keep it Simple*

      I don’t think they have plastic grocery bags in Massachusetts any more. I miss them because I used to use them for kitty litter. There are paper ones but mostly I bring my own. When I end up with paper grocery bags, I use them to hold paper recycling so I can toss the entire bagful into the recycling container.

    17. YouDontKnowReasons*

      I’m disabled and it’s really hard for me to take stuff out of the reusable bags – I use the plastic bags to put items into my reusable bags in a way that I can unpack them later. I reuse the plastic bags that aren’t ruined as bathroom trash bags or for a couple of other purposes.

      When the town I’ve often worked in started banning plastic bags, it meant two things: I wasn’t able to get takeout for lunch and I couldn’t shop on the way home.

      I get reducing waste, but a lot of the everyone must X mandates have made it a lot harder to live as a disabled person…

    18. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m wondering if anyone else here does the same thing as my mum. She can remember to put reusable bags in her car, but not to actually bring them into the shop – so she will out everything back into the trolley (cart), take it out to the car and then pack it. I’ve never seen anyone else doing this, but I’m sure someone else somewhere does!

      4. Hypatia*

        I do that when I shop at Aldi’s all the time. I’m usually rushing in, and never remember bags. but I can pack the bags in the car in my trunk.
        That way, I don’t gave to fight for space at the counter Aldi’s has for bagging up your purchases.

      5. Wolf*

        Where I live (the home country of Aldi), it’s the standard to take the cart to the parking lot, and load groceries directly into the car. Most of us keep a folding crate or fabric bags in the car all the time.
        It never occurred to me that people in other parts of the world wouldn’t unload their shopping carts directly into the car.

        1. Bella Ridley*

          Do you mean that the groceries don’t go into the bag until you’re at the car? That is wild. Where I live, five or six months of the year it’s too cold and snowy to stand at your car packing the groceries. The universal standard is that the groceries go into the bags at checkout, then into the car or your rolling cart or whatever to go home. I have never seen someone load their loose groceries into bags while standing at the car.

    19. Indolent Libertine*

      I bring our reusable bags 95% of the time. Yes, there are occasions where they haven’t made it back into the car after the previous shopping trip, so that’s part of the other 5%, but most of that is because I actually need and use paper grocery bags at home and I’m replenishing the stash. I bag up the shreds from our shredder so they don’t blow all over the street during trash pickup, I corral what goes into the compost/yard waste bin so the bin doesn’t get so goopy so often, I use them to bring garden prunings and clippings through our house to the green waste bin since we live in the center of a group of townhouses and that stuff pretty much has to get to the garage, where the bins are, through the living room unless I want to walk a long way around outside where the footing is dicey.

      I often wonder, when I’m asking for paper bags, if other folks in line are judging me for not having my own. Thanks for confirming that someone probably is!

    20. HannahS*

      Before single-use plastics were banned in my area, I used them as trash bags.

      Since you’re feeling a bit judgy, I’ll offer: remembering to bring your reusable bags back to the car is not as simple as you might imagine. I live in a small apartment with a toddler; my car is 27 flights down. I do groceries at night, load them in the stroller with the toddler, put the toddler to bed, unpack the groceries. I can’t leave her alone in the apartment while I go put the bags in the car, nor can I leave them somewhere visible and easy to remember because otherwise they’re a tripping hazard. So they go in the cupboard. Not very easy to remember the reusable grocery bags, because I don’t always shop on the same day at the same time, and it’s usually bunched with other errands where I’m also packing clothes and shoes and snacks and toys and a soother and a toothbrush and a toddler. Luckily I can usually borrow them from a family member and give them back the next time I see them, but otherwise I’d have to buy new ones very frequently.

      I get annoyed about reusable bags; I see them as a piece of environmental policy theater. They take forever to degrade, but they aren’t actually that durable. They are resource-intensive to produce and need to be used WAY more times than a conventional plastic bag to justify their production.

      Also to recall: You seem to be better than me at remembering to bring your reusable bags. I am probably better than you at some things that you find difficult. I could demand that you explain your “mindset” and judge for finding something hard, or I could….accept that people are different from each other.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        To address the durability issue:
        I knit a batch of string bags from natural fibers a few years ago. The only one to bite the dust so far, oddly enough, was the one that took the most effort and the sturdiest yarn – hemp was used for nautical rope for centuries. But if you do break the yarn in a knitted piece, it’s a goner. I should probably make some more.
        Now, as to getting the grocery store bagger to actually USE my bags, that’s another thing entirely. More than once, they’ve put the groceries in plastic bags before putting the bags into the string bags. (I was watching the checker ring things up.) Looking at you, Jewel!

    21. OaDC*

      I use mine for trash bags. I live alone, so I don’t have tons of them incoming, and they are the perfect size for me. I haven’t bought trash bags in probably five years, and I hate them because it can be hard to find them unscented. So I don’t think I’m using more plastic than if I used cloth grocery bags but bought trash bags. (I do have cloth bags that I sometimes use if the store’s plastic bags have gotten too flimsy.). Side eye me all you want; I care not and you will pry my plastic grocery bags out of my cold dead hands.

    22. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Yes, you are being judgy. “getting brand new fresh bags every grocery shopping trip” is an assumption on your part.
      You don’t know that people you see do it every time. I did it yesterday because I got to the store and realized I didn’t have any bags. Didn’t have time for the 30 min round trip to go home and get them, plus that’s burning fuel. But I do use reusable bags about 75% of the time.
      And the answer is going to be different for everyone. Maybe they cannot afford reusable bags. Maybe they just lost everything in a fire and that’s something they haven’t gotten around to replacing yet. Maybe they hadn’t planned on shopping and don’t have their bags. Maybe they got out of the habit during Covid when many stores were not allowing them. Lots of possibilities. And the reasons are none of your business.
      So maybe….drop the assumptions and the judgement. Or stand outside the grocery store handing out free bags to people if you think they should be doing it your way.
      But asking “why don’t people do something I think they ought to be doing?” isn’t the answer. You do not seem to be asking to understand, you seem to be asking to push people into doing it.

        1. Janesfriend*

          I thought it was an interesting question, and didn’t think you were being ‘super judgey’ at all. Just my opinion!

    23. goddessoftransitory*

      We bought really sturdy reusable bags at the start of the pandemic (replacing our older cheaper ones) and use them for every shopping trip. I don’t mind a paper bag or two for toting recyclables but we sure don’t need the half a forest that would pile up around our apartment if we got new ones each time.

      I think it helps that we don’t have a car so we have to grab them before each trip. The main reason I hear for not using reusable bags is “I forgot them in the trunk.”

    24. Dancing Otter*

      I use the plastic ones to line paper baskets, as lunch bags, and to scoop pet waste. Besides, sometimes you just need something leakproof for some of the groceries, instead of having stuff drip through your tote bag into the upholstery or carpet of the car, and I don’t feel guilty about “wasting” a plastic bag into those circumstances.
      The paper ones are useful for gathering papers for recycling or to take to a shredding event, or to bag up donations. (No, I’m not giving away my $5 reusable bags!) They can also be cut open to use as craft paper or to line baking pans.
      Then there are the stock-up trips, where I buy more than will fit into the tote bags available. What can you do but accept single-use bags then?

    25. Elizabeth West*

      I have a crapload of reusables in my car, but I sometimes forget to take them into the store! >_<

      Stop and Shop delivers groceries in plastic bags, but most of the stores here use paper bags at checkout. If I end up with those, I use them for the recycling since I can dump the entire thing into the bin. I went to Whole Foods for the first time today (I was in the shopping center where it is and thought, they take EBT so why not), and their bags are perfect for that. It's too expensive for me to shop there regularly, though.

      If I have plastic bags from Target or something, I use those to line my small trash cans.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I forgot to add, my mom saves them and then takes them back to the store where there is a big bin you can put them in for recycling. She had so many of them in her garage that I stole a bunch to use for packing when I moved. I then ended up with a lot, but someone showed me how to fold them into little footballs so they don’t take up any room!

    26. 248_Ballerinas*

      I’m the choir you’re preaching to here. I use fold-up totes that are so handy for groceries. Easy to store in the car trunk. The only drawback is that some self-checkout areas are not set up for them. Meijer and Fresh Thyme have places to set your totes. Aldi of course is a great store for bringing your own totes or bags.

    27. Rara Avis*

      We mostly use reusable bags, but we use plastic for trash. We will have to start buying trash bags separately when The CA plastic ban goes into place.

    28. Banana Pyjamas*

      I don’t have the executive function to bring my bags. I’ve even ridden to the store with them in the front seat and reminded myself as I arrived to bring them inside, but once I’ve found parking and gotten in the headspace to go inside, I’ve forgotten about them.

    29. Rosyglasses*

      We use them for our recycling and garbage bins so while we often will use our reuseable bags, when we start to get low on paper grocery sacks we will get a few more.

    30. Observer*

      It’s so easy to just have a few bags in the car (if you have a car) that I don’t understand.

      Not everyone has a car. And there are actually a lot of situation where it’s actually NOT “so easy” to have a few bags in the car.

      One example: If you have passengers in your car a lot (eg carpooling, which is generally a one of the major things that gets pushed, for good reason), you really can’t leave the bags in the inside of the car. And even if none of the people riding need to put anything in the trunk, leaving a few plastic bags in the trunk for a few days during a hot summer means that those bags are not going going to be really usable.

      It’s worth noting that studies show that banning stores from providing free shopping bags rarely does much for the level of plastic waste in a community, nor does it reduce what goes into a landfill. No one is 100% sure of why, but one thing that shows up a lot is the rise of use of plastic trash liners in communities that enact those bans. That’s definitely thought provoking, I think.

      I also find it deeply ironic that you seem to prioritize re-using shopping bags over reducing car use.

  29. Be the Change*

    Birthday present ideas for 40 yo woman with maximalist tastes and 3 young children? It needs to be something to put in a box and wrap up.

      1. Joey*

        For fancy chocolates, I like recchuiti (ships from California) or Jamescandy dot com (ships from New Jersey). Would love to hear others favorites!!

    2. California Dreamin’*

      Fancy hand cream. I like L’Occitane. I’ve seen Aesop given as a gift and appreciated. I’m sure there are even fancier options if you’re looking to spend more.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Or fancy soap! That’s a small luxury that I love. Every year, we get the goat milk soap from the vendor at the Wisconsin state fair. It seems crazy to spend $4 a bar for soap but I like it so much better than the Ivory and Irish Spring I grew up with.

      3. Generic Name*

        Love L’Occitane hand cream. They also have a shower oil that is divine. I once asked for fancy face cream for Christmas, and my mom handed me the bag and said very seriously that the stuff she bought cost a King’s Ransom. Ha ha ha

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I was going to suggest Rifle Paper Co :) it’s a specific type of maximalist but if she likes florals you will find something lol

    4. Harlowe*

      Fancy alcohol, if she partakes. Reason being that the second she opens something like candy/dessert, the kids will beg for it. This guarantees it will be hers alone. (I am notorious for giving mom-centric shower gifts rather than baby-centric ones, and it’s always appreciated.)

    5. Not A Manager*

      Mary Poppins.

      If she has maximalist taste, almost anything that says “comfort and luxury” should work. A soft sofa throw that she can cuddle in with the kids. A pretty coffee/tea device. A cute watering can/sprayer set for her indoor plants.

    6. tab*

      If she likes manicures, pedicures or massages, a gift certificate to one of those would be greatly appreciated!

    7. Filthy Vulgar Mercenary*

      How about something handmade by a local artist? A dyed batik, a candle, a body butter, things like that.

  30. Harriet J.*

    Happiness hacks? What are the little things you do to keep your sanity?
    I realized that I needed to stop listening to the news while driving to/from work and instead I have a playlist of favorite sing along songs on shuffle.
    Singing a random favorite as I park puts me in a much better frame of mind to teach.

    2. Maryn*

      Audio books, too, if you commute is long enough to get in a scene or chapter. Our daughter had an hour-long commute at one point and she read more than ever, finding the drive pleasant instead of awful. My library has a pretty good supply available.

        1. Wolf*

          But keep an eye on the time! I’ve occasionally had “just another chapter” until it resulted in a lack of sleep.

          1. allathian*

            Mmmm yeah. That’s one reason why I mostly read books I’ve read before, I mainly read in bed and the risk is smaller with re-reads.

    4. Tinamedte*

      – Biking to work instead of taking the bus or the car
      – Whenever I get around to go jogging (I do a short jog around the block, 1.3 km, and the idea is to do it daily, but hey, every time counts) I feel better
      – straightening out my back and neck/fixing my posture
      – chocolate
      – tea
      – taking a few second to experience my breathing and thinking about the place where I can feel it the most (nostrils/throat/etc)
      – smiling crazily and saying “well isn’t this fun!” usually makes me laugh a little and not take the situation so seriously
      – playing wordle, Wordfeud and similar games
      – stroking my own arms tends to be relaxing and calming for me
      I’m sure there’s more, but that’s what I could think of off the top of my head. Good luck!

    5. Harlowe*

      I need stretches of complete silence. This is difficult since my husband is the human embodiment of ADHD and needs constant racket. Finding good ear plugs (specifically, slim fit ones for petites, so I don’t feel like they’re trying to tear apart my ear canal from the inside) has been a lifesaver.

      1. B*

        Wait- what? Is that why spouse turns on the tv, radio and plays games on his tablet all at the same time? He also plays guitar while watching TV and sometimes adds tictock to the mix. I find the cacophony tiring and irritating and could never figure out the allure. Just thought I didn’t have the brain power to pay attention to all the things.

    6. Zweisatz*

      No news when I’m tired. After 9 in the evening and before breakfast I won’t engage with media or electronic communication that might deliver upsetting news to me.
      Stuff is easier to digest when I’m well-rested.

    7. Clara Bowe*

      I love the philosophy of “run the dishwasher twice”. Basically someone was having a hard mental time and talking to their therapist and the therapist asked what was a big thing stopping them from Doing Tasks and the initial stop was that the person’s dishwasher sucked and the dishes were super dirty, and having to hand wash them before running the dishwasher was too much. And the therapist pointed out that the person could just run the dishwasher twice.

      For me, this manifests by me buying four pairs of scissors, one for each room, so I don’t have to go looking when I need one. Or how I bought a counter dishwasher because I HATE washing flatware, but was nervous about “wasting” water and energy. And while the dishwasher is tiny, IT CLEANS THE FLATWARE. Note: dishwashers with tanks that do not require connecting to the tap exist, and one made my life better.

      I also remembered I can actually subscribe to literary magazines. And just magazines in general? I now get Analog and love getting to read new sci-fi short stores a few times a year!

        1. Clara Bowe*

          Absolutely! I got the Farberware Portable Dishwasher from Home Depot. It actually had a $100 price drop from when I bought it. It was down to that one and the Comfee model that was similar. I went w the Farberware one because I only had 17” clearance on my counter. Please measure you counter to cupboard range for your own sanity.

    8. Bird names*

      Naming three things every day that make me happy and/or that I look forward to. Right now that would be:
      – crunchy leaves
      – sweater weather
      – being able to bake again
      We may not get a big happiness every day or week, but as the first thread here shows, it’s a lovely habit to get into.

  31. Elle Woods*

    Has anyone else ever dealt with adult-onset allergies? I’m in my late 40s and discovered this week that I am really allergic to cats. This newly discovered allergy means I’m not going to be help out a friend clean out her mother’s house as much I’d hoped, which I’m bummed about. (Her mother had four cats who are still living in the house.)

    1. Filosofickle*

      Yep. New allergies have emerged over my life — I’ve always been allergic to eggs and cats, bananas started in my 20s, and watermelon and oral allergy syndrome hit me in my 30s. Watermelon is my most serious one, the only one that closes my throat. I really miss watermelon. Oral allergy syndrome means I am sometimes (but not always) reactive to honey, stone fruit, berries, and tomatoes. It’s really a PITA! It’s been more than a decade since any new ones have popped up, but I assume a new one will eventually.

    2. RussianInTexas*

      Not me, but a friend had the mid-40s onset of shellfish allergies. She never liked seafood, and therefore never ate it on purpose, but it can get sneaky. Never had any issues.
      And then one time while traveling, she had kimchi in a Korean restaurant, and had anaphylactic reaction to it, shrimp were used in fermentation. Had to go to ER, did tests afterwards, yep, fully allergic to shellfish. Has to carry the EP-pen and all.

    3. Lactose is now my nemesis*

      It isn’t really an allergy in the same way, but here’s a common allergy adjacent thing that happens usually later in life: I turned up lactose intolerant recently. I’m in my late thirties. Yes there are pills, but no they don’t work well for me. I didn’t realize there was a range for that, but it basically means I had to completely rethink a large portion of my diet and eating habits, same as if I were properly allergic.

      Also, my aunt turned up allergic to mango skin in her 40s. It is definitely a thing to start up an allergy later in life!

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Not a medical advice.
        Friend developed a rather bad lactose intolerance in her late 30s. Took few years to diagnose the reason, turned out she needed to have her gallbladder removed.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Start of pandemic, son (18) and husband (50s) suddenly had allergies to dairy. Before this things like pizza and mac’n’cheese were staples.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      A cousin developed an allergy to red meat. (Apparently this is to mammals and something called alpha-gal, the internet tells me.) Symptom was bleeding from the throat, which is extremely unpleasant.

      1. Heffalump*

        You get alpha-gal from the bite of the Lone Star tick. My brother got it some years ago and said it’s no joke. Makes me glad I’m not into activities like hiking and camping that might expose me to tick bites.

    5. allathian*

      Yes, I was allergic to citrus and chocolate as a kid, but grew out of them in my teens. I became allergic to birch pollen after my son was born in a heavy pollen year. Since then I’ve developed cross allergies to strawberries, uncooked carrots and apples, all in my late thirties and early forties.

    6. Indolent Libertine*

      I only developed seasonal pollen allergies once I was into my 30s. They are still manageable with over-the-counter remedies, but they have gotten worse as I have aged. Now, if I don’t start the steroid nasal sprays early enough in the season, and use them consistently enough, I’ll get ear infections from excess secretions.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      I found out a bit ago that allergies can “rotate,” that is, if you move to a new place that doesn’t have X pollen or dander, your immune system can just switch over to whatever allergen is floating around. I find this deeply unfair.

    8. All Hail Kitties!*

      Oh dear. I know this isn’t about what you asked, but I’m desperately hoping the cats are not alone in the house. Especially after losing their human.

      1. Elle Woods*

        No, they are not alone. My friend’s nephew moved in at the beginning of the year so he could both watch after his grandmother and to save money on housing and commuting costs.

    9. Bibliovore*

      A sudden late allergy to strawberries in my late forties. An almost deathly encounter with mango around the same time.
      Had no allergies to any food before that.
      Found I was very allergic to cats in my late twenties, somewhat allergic to dogs depending on the kind.

    10. Dancing Otter*

      I had one start up around 45 and go away again years later. Suddenly, my body refused to digest corn kernels. At some point, I decided an ear of corn on the cob was worth 36 hours tied to the bathroom, only to discover nothing happened. Was it a true allergy or undiagnosed gallbladder disease? Don’t know, don’t care, just glad it went away.

      If only my throat-closing reaction to freshly mown grass would also disappear spontaneously. It smells so good… until I have to scrabble for my inhaler while I can still inhale. I used to mow the lawn myself, from about age 10 to 50, and now I have to close the windows when I drive by a landscaping crew mowing.

    11. Rara Avis*

      Don’t know if it’s adult onset or an allergy to some pollen that only exists where I live now. Did not have seasonal allergies in CT, HI, MA, Monterey CA, or FL. Developed them in my 30’s upon moving to the Bay Area. (I think it’s redwood but I also had a dramatic reaction to hanging out under a chestnut tree in Chesters, England.)

    12. Banana Pyjamas*

      I think I’m developing a cinnamon allergy in my 30s. My mushroom allergy developed at 19. My shellfish intolerance is now an allergy. I didn’t realize I was having oral allergy syndrome reactions to my last meal replacement until I switched products.

    14. Elle Woods*

      Thanks for sharing all your stories. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in developing allergies later in life. I am going to help my friend with clean out later this week but will pop a couple of Benadryl beforehand and stay outside as much as possible.

    15. MIR*

      Yes! Developed a dust allergy at 21! I went from changing my bed sheets every few months to weekly, such an adjustment. if your symptoms aren’t too bad you could try wearing a mask to your friends house to help clean – I’ve worn a mask in dusty hotel rooms (and occasionally my own) and it helped a lot.

  32. Heffalump*

    Alison: “When I was about 12, I told [my mother] that I figured adults stopped having sex around 26 years old, because after that point they’d be too old and gross.”

    Alison was ahead of me. When I was 12, I thought people had sex strictly to have children–married couples were celibate except when they were trying to have a child. I think I started to get that sex was an expression of love when I was 18 or so. Yes, my family was dysfunctional.

    1. Forrest Rhodes*

      When I was 10-12 I thought babies came only to married women. I spent a considerable amount of time wondering just how the babies knew that their mothers were married.
      I was not by any measure a sophisticated child.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        I was ten when I found out that people had to *gasp* have sex to have babies. Until then, I believed babies came down from heaven.

    2. Hroethvitnir*

      Aww.

      It’s funny to me, because I was treated somewhat too adult by my very young parents, so I didn’t really ever have ideas like that. When I was 15 a teacher called himself old at 32 and I was like “pfft, what?” and he said it seemed impossibly old at his age.

      My upbringing was traumatising for a bunch of reasons, but I’ll always be grateful for having a super healthy approach to sex and sex education. Lack of shame and families who expect teenagers to have sex in their own home is 100% the reason I had a great first sexual experience – and probably months later than it would have been if I had to sneak around.

      1. Heffalump*

        Apropos of the belief that people are old and gross at 26, when I was maybe 9 or 10, one of my schoolteachers asked me how old I thought he was. I said 40. He replied, deadpan, “I’m 26,” but he must have been cracking up inside.

        My parents never had “the talk” with me. They did give a me copy of The Wonderful Story of How You Were Born by Sidonie Gruenberg. That was how I first learned about the mechanics of sex. Maybe the book has been through newer editions since then. My parents didn’t say, “Let us know if you have any questions.” They just left me with the book.

          1. Heffalump*

            Makes perfect sense that the book would have that title. I’m sure that’s the exact question I asked my parents. I’ve never had children, but I think if I were choosing a suitable book prior to having the talk, it would be something by the late Robie H. Harris: It’s Not the Stork, It’s So Amazing, It’s Perfectly Normal. I know of these books only from reading Ms. Harris’s obituary—she died this past January.

      2. Heffalump*

        Dr. Pepper Schwartz, now teaching at the University of Washington, was lucky enough to have a mother with healthy ideas about sexuality. As a child, the future Dr. Schwartz became the go-to girl among her girlfriends for information about sex.

        During my middle school years, I never thought about what percentage of people had premarital sex, but if you’d asked, I’d probably have said 5%. (I said I was naïve.) The 20-something son of friends of my parents impregnated his girlfriend and ended up in a shotgun marriage to her—his parents must have been mortified. Supposedly a guy at my high school impregnated 3 girls. But in my view, these two guys were in the 5%. Of course, a lot of my peers bragged about having had sex, but I took it with a grain of salt.

    3. Fickle Pickle*

      When I was 5 I thought babies came from the Sears catalog. Oddly, I didn’t think that’s where spouses came from.

      1. Heffalump*

        Not so odd at age 5. Back in the day, all sorts of things came from the Sears catalog. From roughly 1908 to 1940 you could order a prefab house from Sears. I grew up in a rural area, and one day I saw that you could order a donkey (“Sorry, no choice of sex.”). I didn’t have any desire to ask my parents to order a donkey, but if someone in the neighborhood had, I wouldn’t have thought it odd. From 1952 to 1954 Sears sold the Henry J car as the Allstate. That didn’t work out so well.

    4. Morning Reader*

      I think we got the basics of reproduction, and periods, in 5th grade sex ed, one day when they separated the boy and girls into separate classrooms. However it was not explained that some kind of insertion was needed, or maybe I just missed it. I pictured it like fish or something where the male fish somehow sprinkles the sperm in the general direction of the female fish; it was a mystery to me how it somehow gets inside. But then age 15, I read Our Bodies Ourselves cover to cover. Between that and the Whole Earth Catalog I think I figured it out.

      1. My God I'm Anon*

        Lord, I thought I was alone. I didn’t understand about insertion until ninth grade sex ed class, when we were watching a film. To this day I thank God that the lights were out so that no one could see my face turn several shades of pink, not only at finding out, but also realizing that everyone else in class already knew.

        I also thought that it didn’t occur to anyone to have out-of-marriage sex until the middle of he 20th century. I was an extremely sheltered child……

    5. Emily of New Moon*

      I got one that’s better than all of them: When my niece (now 20) was four, she asked her mom where babies came from. Her mother, feeling that she was too young to understand the whole concept, simply said, “Babies come from God.” Then, my niece was afraid to go to church because she thought that God would get her pregnant!

  33. Mitchell Hundred*

    So a couple of weeks ago I metioned finishing a rewatch of Gilmore Girls. One thing I noticed on this go-around is that from my POV as an autistic person it’s not terribly difficult to read the character of Paris Gellar as falling somewhere on the spectrum (although of course nobody ever comes out and says this). So my question is: can anybody else think of fictional characters who are both portrayed in a at least somewhat sympathetic light and coded (i.e. implied but never outright stated to be) as some form of neuroatypical?

    1. MediaPortrayals*

      Interesting. I was so much a Paris, but when I was that age if you were smart and not throwing tantrums every 10 minutes there wasn’t a thought about any sort of testing or classification so I was never evaluated for anything. I have vaguely wondered about it, though, as I’ve read books with characters diagnosed with Asperger’s (I know that term isn’t used anymore but it was at the time and I’m not sure what replaced it) and I had so many of the depicted characteristics.

      Another random slight nudge, I guess.

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        To be clear, it’s just an interpretation. It also wouldn’t be difficult to read Paris as just a very driven person of the same type as Lorelai.

        That said, if you want to pursue it my advice would be to seek out the stories of other people who have been diagnosed (particularly those at the same point on the spectrum where you think you might be) and see if anything resonates.

    2. RussianInTexas*

      Anya in Buffy. She is ex-demon, and they explain her “quirks” this way, but I think she is coded as neurodivergent.

      1. Mitchell Hundred*

        I never thought of that, but “I have their money, why do I care what kind of day they have?” Is something I could easily imagine myself saying.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes. She had some quirks that I found annoying, but most of them were like “… why are they all making fun of her for this? It makes perfect sense to me.”

    3. Hlao-roo*

      The one that comes to mind is Dr. Brennan from the TV show “Bones.” I don’t think anyone ever mentions a specific diagnosis on the show, but her character is coded neuroatypical (very rigid thinking, misses a lot of social cues). She’s the protagonist of the show, so I’d say is shown in a largely sympathetic/positive light.

    4. curly sue*

      Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds – he gets called autistic in an early episode by an antagonist who’s trying to unsettle everyone, but I don’t think he’s ever formally stated to be autistic otherwise. I’d also flag Fox Mulder from the X-Files as neurodivergent of some kind, though I’d lean more towards ADHD.

      A lot of main characters in procedurals have traits that read autistic to me, because the single-minded specialist who can see things other can’t ™ is a really popular trope. Tony Hill from Wire in the Blood is another one that comes to mind.

      (Speaking here from the POV of someone with ADHD in an AuDHD household.)

    7. No name yet*

      Parker in Leverage (tv show). There’s quite a lot of fan discussion on how her hyperfocus on stealing things and some unusual social patterns are very autistic-coded. She’s also in-universe the best thief in the world, ends up running the crew, and her social and romantic development is treated as/similar to the development of other characters.

    9. Becca*

      Rookie Historian: Goo Hae-Ryung (K-drama on Netflix) has a secondary character named Min U-won (or Min Woo-won) who’s one of the most autistic-coded characters I’ve ever seen. He’s universally labeled as handsome and smart, and he’s extremely principled, upright, and uncompromising in his by-the-books approach.

      1. allathian*

        Seconding Poirot, particularly his obsession with symmetry, especially the way asymmetry and disorder seem to cause him actual physical pain.

        Monk has OCD, so not quite the same thing, but.

        Morgane Alvaro on the French crime show HPI. She has an IQ of 160 and a knack of seeing order where others see only chaos, while she seems to be going from one dramatic disaster to another in her personal life. Maybe not autism but possibly ADHD. She alternates rushing headlong from place to place and not being able to focus on anything until she hits her hyperfocus zone and the case pretty much solves itself.

        Fosca Innocenti on her namesake Italian crime show has a super-acute sense of smell, but seems otherwise NT.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          There’s another French cop show where the main character is autistic and is a researcher/civilian detective with the other characters’ squad. She and the other lead become very close friends and the show never tries to portray her as “needing to be more normal” or anything of the sort.

          The lead actress’s younger sister apparently plays her in flashbacks; they are both really wonderful in the role.

    11. Jessica*

      Anyone who is finding this question interesting might enjoy an interesting book I read some time ago: So Odd A Mixture: Along the Autistic Spectrum in “Pride and Prejudice”, by Phyllis Ferguson Bottomer. There are two alternate introductory chapters: one is autism 101 for Austen fans, and the other is Pride & Prejudice 101 for people who are knowledgeable about autism. Then throughout the rest of the book, she goes on to make a series of arguments for a bunch of the main characters being on the spectrum one way or another.

    13. Double A*

      In the very first episode of Community they do make reference to Abed being on the spectrum though he never identifies himself that way. But yeah, he’s very autistic coded while being part of the group and in general one of the best characters.

    14. Nightengale*

      So autistic doctor here specializing in autism who has had “disability in fiction” as a special interest for decades.

      My favorite autistic fictional character is Ethel in The Daisy Chain by Charlotte Mary Yonge. She wasn’t purposefully autistic coded because the book was written in 1856, which I think improves the portrayal compared to a lot of modern ones where the author feels compelled to follow tropes and diagnostic criteria. The book is sort of a Victorian morality play but also has several interesting disability themes including a very typical for the period “invalid” character.

      Ethel is about 15, is “impetuous”, dyspraxic and “heedless of all but one absorbing object.” She says right out she doesn’t recognize facial expressions and thanks her brother for teaching her the “right time” to ask for a favor because “I never should have thought of one time being better than another.” She is also portrayed as very academically capable and basically takes over running a household.

      Because autism wasn’t a thing, she was seen as impossible, not invalid. My assumption is that she was based on someone the author knew. Another book by the same author has a clearly autistic character with significant language impairment.

    15. Irish Teacher.*

      Virtually the entire Tillerman family in the Tillerman saga. The grandmother is known for being eccentric and basically let her husband emotionally and probably physically abuse their children because in her day, the marriage vows included promising to “love, honour and obey” so she felt that she had promised to obey him and therefore could not go against him. She is also really blunt and direct but phrases things oddly so people don’t always realise when she is asking a question.

      Maybeth is so shy she barely speaks to anybody and is considered to be intellectually disabled by those who don’t know her but her family realise it’s a combination of her having difficulty with the way things are taught in the mainstream education system and her shyness that means that even when she does understand, she cannot express that.

      James is a genius who struggles with social interaction. And Dicey herself is as blunt and direct as her grandmother and seems kind of socially out of place in a lot of ways. She also does a lot of things in different ways from the norm.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        The mother in those books is also openly referred to as mentally ill (not the same as the autism spectrum, I know) and shows how difficult it was for the Tillerman kids to communicate with anyone outside the family due to their utter dependence on each other and mistrust of the world at large, at least in part because their mother isolated them due to her own issues.

  34. SuprisinglyADHD*

    With the discussion above about phantosmia, I’m curious: What’s the “weirdest” migraine symptom you get? The kind of stuff that makes other people go “migraines can do THAT?”
    Mine is that my skin becomes hyper-sensitive, even my clothes feel like sandpaper and I don’t want anyone touching me. Fortunately I don’t get that very often but when I do, it’s soo bad.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The only migraine I ever had came with an headache and aphasia. I was singing along with favorite songs on my music library and suddenly I couldn’t get the right words out. I knew what I was trying to say, but that wasn’t what was coming out of my mouth, and I think that was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. It lasted about an hour and has never happened again. (I don’t know if it was truly a migraine, but that’s what my doc said, so.)

    2. NoFilters*

      loss of filters. I just blurt everything out. Sometimes using the wrong words because I lose some of my language skills, but that part’s fairly common.

    3. HannahS*

      They’re not rare, but scotomas are so weird. I was walking to work and taking a short-cut through a ravine, and then suddenly a lighting-bolt-shaped part of my vision went pixellated. I knew what it was because I had read about them, but otherwise I probably would have feared I was having a stroke. It only happened once; otherwise I tend to see rings around lights and get nauseated, then comes the headache part.

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        I’ve had scintillating scotoma before – they’re super weird, like a sparkly zigzag ring juuust outside your immediate field of vision, that gradually go out and out until they’re gone. Weirdly they have never led to a migraine – my migraines start with intense fatigue, which is still their principal feature (though the headache that comes later is no fun either).

    4. Sue Smith*

      I’ve had a few acephalgic migraines (= migraine aura without headache), so I had no idea these were migraines. The first time it happened it had just stopped raining and was now bright and sunny. I was looking out the kitchen window and thought I was seeing rainbow-like refractions through the droplets, but then when I looked away, all these beautiful colors were still in view.

      Several years later I had two a month apart. I went to an ophthalmologist to find out what was wrong with my eyes. He examined my eyes, listened to me, and said, “Ahh, I think I might know what this is,” did a search on his phone, and showed me sample images of what you see when you have these. Yes, that was it. Mine are far more beautiful than the pictures: many, many glinting rainbow bits in a C shape. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t want it to happen while driving, because you really can’t see to do anything.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Interesting! I just googled that and found out I’ve been having these for years. I can’t believe it’s an actual condition that other people have!

      2. Bluebell Brenham*

        I have these too. Sometimes they are frequent but I can also go months without getting any. I’ve just chalked it up to my body being weird, but an eye doctor identified it as headache-less migraine.

    5. Maryn*

      My migraines always start with visual auras in which an arc of my vision pixelates and sometimes becomes black-and-white instead of color. It’s something like a kaleidoscope, the way it distorts. If I take medication immediately, sometimes I can head the headache part off at the pass. Whether I do or not, the visual aspect is the first symptom to arrive and the last to leave.

      Besides migraines being awful, the vision aspect means I can’t use the computer or phone, watch TV or video, read, sew or craft, etc.

    6. Kate*

      Mine is REALLY weird: I crave sugar. Like an actual teaspoon of the white stuff.

      I am a strictly savoury person, to the point of refusing birthday cake at parties as a kid. If I all of sudden get an urge to put a spoon in the sugar container, it is a dead giveaway that a migraine is incoming within the hour.

    7. allathian*

      The scariest one for me was when I lost 90 percent of my field of view to auras, and it lasted for more than an hour. Another almost as scary time my face went completely numb on one side, I was afraid I’d had a stroke, but by the time I saw a doctor, my symptoms had gone away.

    8. Bibliovore*

      My migraines come with a visual component. I start noticing that it looks like it may be raining. nope. Within a few minutes the whole world looks like I am seeing it through a kaliedascope. I can barely see- very nauseus and dizzy, can’t read or watch tv. also have that “can’t bear to have any light or sound or anything touching me.” Timed it to about an hour and 15 minutes for the worst part. First time it scared the pants off of me. Now I just take my self to a quiet dark place and wait for it to pass.

    9. anon24*

      In my early 20s I had a migraine that lasted 3 months and during that time the bottom 1/3 of my vision was white. Afterwards my vision went from 20/20 to slightly blurry, and it deteriorated afterwards and has constantly deteriorated since to the point that I ended up in glasses and every year my prescription gets drastically worse. I saw a neuro-ophthalmologist and a few years later a neurologist who both confirmed everything was fine, no tumors or serious conditions, just migraines.

      Around that same time I had the awful symptom for about a year or two where my migraine pain was located very sharply at a pinpoint spot in the right side of my head above my ear. Whenever I would get these sharp pains I would also get extremely, violently angry. I am not a violent person at baseline, I don’t have temper, I’m pretty chill and will always defer to de-escalating conflict, but I would suddenly turn into this angry violent monster who had these urges to verbally lash out at everyone around me or go out and hurt random people just… because. I never acted on any physical urges (obviously) and I knew that it wasn’t me, it was the migraine acting, but it’s hard when you’re in extreme pain and you aren’t normally a short tempered person so you don’t know how to handle it when you suddenly feel rage bubbling up and just want to go off on everyone around you. I mostly did a very good job at holding my tongue but I do recall one incident where I snapped at my boss and said something totally rude and out of character and had to go back and apologize later and explain. It got even more difficult when I ended up in a position at work where I was managing a group of mostly teenagers but they were a fantastic group of kids and I learned to communicate with them when I wasn’t feeling great and make sure they knew ahead of time that if I was a little short with them it was on me and not on them and that I was doing my best. I’m so glad that I haven’t had those symptoms in about 10 years and I hope I never do again.

      Also, my sympathies to anyone who has uncontrolled migraines. I had them almost every day from the time I was 8 to my mid-20s when I got put on topiramate and it was like a switch clicked in my brain. I now get maybe 2-3 a month at most and usually far less. The week after I started topiramate my co-worker asked what changed because I was the happiest he’d ever seen me and I said “this is the first time in my adult life my headache is completely gone. I can think! I never realized what it felt like.”

      2. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Oh man, that’s the worst situation I’ve heard of! I’m so glad you were able to find something to help.

    10. Wireknitter*

      I get a question mark shaped kaleidoscope of vibrating color. It’s there if my eyes are open or closed. It feels like it is in my left eye but I don’t know why because it’s in the center of my vision. One time it was a backwards question mark and I perceived it to be in my right eye. They last 20 minutes, almost exactly every time. They never came with pain until about 10 years ago. Now I get a headache about an hour after the visual event about half of the time.

    11. Unkempt Flatware*

      I know I’m getting a migraine because my aura hits first and hits hard. I suddenly will look down at my hands and think they are not my hands. “Are these my hands?” and then I go, “did I just say that?”. Total dissociation from self. It gets scary fast especially for people who haven’t witnessed me having a migraine. Then I start to lose the ability to communicate clearly. I guess that’s what another commenter above meant by aphasia. I try to say I’m dizzy but it comes out as I’m busy, for example. And I can’t fix it and it’s so frustrating.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep, that’s aphasia :( Or at least one version of it. There’s also versions where you just straight up can’t talk, but most common is that you’re trying to say one thing and actually saying something similar-but-different, like your example. (And it also varies whether the speaker actually recognizes that they’re not saying what they meant to.)

        1. MigrainesRUs*

          I find I do this more when typing things out than speaking…I wonder if the mode matters to others. Anyone else?

    12. Chaordic One*

      When I feel a migraine coming on the weirdest symptom is the visual disturbance. Unlike what the other people have described, what I experience is that everything that I look at takes on a yellow-brownish tinge that is darkest at the top of my field of vision and lighter at the bottom of it. It’s almost like wearing sunglasses with yellow-brown lenses. I also experience strange smells before one comes on, but they have they their own distinctive odor and are unlike anything else I can think of. I think the smell is a bit fruity, but not sweet, sort of heavy and similar to the smell of plums or berries.

    13. Banana Pyjamas*

      When I’m in migraine prodrome all smells are extra smelly, even things I wouldn’t normally notice. A few times it’s taken me a couple hours to figure out what a smell was because it just wasn’t something I would normally smell. One example being the time I was smelling the wet metal of the kitchen sink, or the gravelly smell of makeup in the rain.

      1. Bad brain says*

        I figured out my light sensitivity with migraine much earlier than my sound sensitivity, probably because I mostly have lived alone so it wasn’t till there were other people around doing things like loading and unloading the dishwasher that I realized that kind of noise only bothered me when I was migraine-y!

    14. Lore*

      My proprioception gets way off post migraine and I wind up with bruises because I walk into doorframes and such. (I get auras too but not particularly dramatic ones, just a shimmer in the left side of my visual field.)

    16. AGD*

      Mine are all super different from each other, which means a handful of days a year with Weird Cognitive Stuff, at least one of which sent me to the emergency room for what turned out to be no reason (but I’m glad I was careful, I guess?). The strangest so far was the one that came with only a massive sense of déjà vu for absolutely everything for a whole day. It was exhausting.

  35. New 2-Cat Household*

    The cat distribution system has recently gifted me with a second cat. I’ve always been paranoid about my house smelling like a litter box. While it’s generally been fine, with another litter box added to the mix, the house is definitely starting to take on a smell.

    What are people doing to effectively combat litter box smell in their homes? (I’m not a fan of febreeze-type smells and products.)

    1. RussianInTexas*

      The only thing that helped us is the super expensive Litter Robot. It was a big investment, but the thing is magical.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This — my husband has historically been terrible at scooping boxes, and I told him he needed to either figure his s**t out (literally :P ) or we were going to have to have some serious discussions about whether the cats could stay, because I was absolutely done having my house smell like a cat box because of his pets. He ordered the litter robot and I haven’t smelled cat waste since.

    2. YNWA*

      Baking soda mixed in with the litter is a huge help with box odor. Even if the litter you’re using says it has baking soda, it helps to add an additional sprinkling. The plus is that there is no additional perfume-like smell.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Scooping every single day without fail, and taking the litter out to the trash every few days. Also, sweeping or vacuuming every day to get the loose litter specks.

    4. PleaseNo*

      I have 5 boxes for 2 cats. no one says my house smells. I use a fragrance-free litter and scoop twice a day. I clean the boxes thoroughly twice a year. my cats also eat a low-carb diet (mostly Tiki Cat) so i’m sure what goes in impacts what comes out!

      congrats!

    5. Pieforbreakfast*

      I hate air fresheners and scented products. I got a ‘Bad Air Sponge’ that I place near the boxes. Less a deoderizer and more an enzymatic air cleaner. Seems to work.

    6. Squidhead*

      We use the pine pellet litter from Tractor Supply (or its more expensive cousin Feline Pine) and it truly seems to prevent the ammonia smell. We scoop any solids into a Litter Genie once or twice a day and change the litter twice a week (the pellets just turn to sawdust as they get wet). Change the Litter Genie bag on trash day.

      There are probably more-expensive litters or boxes that accomplish this and are a little less work, but this is working for us with 3 cats so far.

    7. Generic Name*

      I use wood stove pellet fuel, which is the same thing as feline pine but a quarter of the price. If it starts to smell near the box, I change out the litter, even if it’s sooner than I’d normally switch it out.

    8. sswj*

      I’ve become a fan of crystal litter. The solids need scooping (twice a day for me but I’ve got 16 cats), and then just a good stir for the rest. I found that I can go 3-4 weeks without replacing it and have no lingering odor. (Not counting when somecat doesn’t cover their business )

    9. GoryDetails*

      Multiple litter boxes, unscented clumping litter, most of the litterboxes have built-in sifting trays so it’s fairly easy to “scoop” them. (I had to start keeping a litterbox upstairs in addition to the ones in the basement, so it would be handy if I had to suddenly sequester the Most Reactive Cat before he instigated another panic attack among the others. For that one I use a Litter Genie to contain the scooped-out chunks; it contains odor very well indeed.)

    10. Unkempt Flatware*

      If you want to go even further than the advice you have already received, consider changing to a raw diet. My cat was raised on only raw food and her litter box smells like there’s clean litter in it at all times. Even after 2 days of me being away from her.

    11. Double A*

      I may be noseblind to my own cats, but even after being away for 3 weeks I haven’t been struck with a cat smell in my house. When I notice it in other people’s houses I notice the clay litter scent (especially bad if it’s scented but even if it’s not). So I would not use a clay litter.

      We use Worlds Best Cat litter lavender scent. I know that’s a no-go scent for a lot of people, but I find it very mild and it helps neutralize the cat scents. We don’t generally use scented products generally and I find normal scented products gross (fabreeze etc). But that on works for me. they have an unscented litter too but I don’t find it works as well, smell-wise.

      1. Double A*

        Oh also I finally bit the bullet and bought a cordless vacuum. I definitely do a quick vacuum a lot more frequently than I did a quick sweep and that helps with the tracked litter, which I find more annoying than the cat smell.

    12. Aphrodite*

      I use the FRAGRANCE FREE (not the unscented which does in fact have a scent, albeit a light one) Arm & Hammer litter. It never smells. I scoop usually three or four times a day because I have three cats. No one can smell anything.

      1. Aphrodite*

        Added: I scoop into a lidded container lined with appropriately-sized plastic garbage bags. The type of container is what is sold as pet food storage containers, something like this: https://www.chewy.com/s?query=pet%20food%20storage%20container&nav-submit-button=

        I also take the bags out to the garbage twice a week, sometimes three times. It may sound like a lot of trouble that I go to but it’s actually quite easy, taking only a few minutes each time. My three cats all share one box because they came from a rescue situated in an old Craftsman house where each room had multiple cats sharing a couple of boxes. I also don’t use litter boxes but instead a nice large storage container, without lid, from Target.

        You can also try a bowl of plain white vinegar nearby to absorb odors. If you can hide it behind an grated cabinet door near the box you won’t have to see it but it can keep working.

        Hope you find a good solution.

    13. Carla*

      Congrats on your new cat! I have two, and I like the pine pellets. With a daily scoop of the wet part and solids, the litter box stays fresh around a week. Since they’re larger size, they don’t get tracked around quite as much. My cats have never been picky about the shape/texture of their litter. I like them better than the Breeze system (felt bad about all the waste, and if the pad for urine wasn’t changed quickly enough, say over a long weekend trip, it was truly disgusting).

    14. mreasy*

      I have 2 cats and 2 boxes and scooop both religiously in the morning and the evening. Baking soda or arm & hammer litter deodorizer powder can help but with the scooping it isn’t necessary in my home. I would be wary of automatic litter boxes as some have had dangerous malfunctions that can harm cats / trap them inside.

  36. Ellis Bell*

    Oh, I can put them back in the car (my method is to put them very much in the way on the kitchen floor while unpacking, and they are huge unwieldy Ikea bags that have no appropriate home inside, so I always put them outside in the car boot) my disconnect is that I forget to take them into the supermarket from the car! So instead of putting them out of sight in the boot, I started putting them in the passenger seat footwell where my handbag goes. Visibility is memory! I also have a couple of pocket bags stashed in my coats and handbag. My fave ones are Marks and Spencers which fold up to the size of half a lemon size and are easy to unfurl, because the handles can go on your shoulders. I hate having to buy new bags, though it happens. I use them to line bins.

  37. A Significant Tree*

    Recommendations for a weekend trip to Miami next month? I’m flying in and renting a car. From my one previous trip (for work), staying out in Brickell area resulted in having to drive in some challenging traffic to/from the airport, so I’m looking at other neighborhoods. Coral Gables? Dural? I’m willing to drive around to visit places but I would like to stay in a hotel reasonably close to the airport.

    Any must-see museums? Is it easy to get to the Keys for a day trip (weather permitting)? Thanks in advance!

    1. YNWA*

      IIRC driving to Key West from Miami is about 3.5 hours, Key Largo is substantially closer than that, and Marathon Key is super close.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      It’s been years since I drove to the Keys but my memory is that it is a huge hassle and not worth it for a day trip.

      There used to be a Park Service boat tour in Miami and it looks like the Park still has fun things to do. Getting to Biscayne National Park would be easier than going to the Keys. (nps dot gov/bisc/planyourvisit/guidedtours dot htm)

      The Vizcaya Museum & Gardens is cool. It’s a great example of how someone used inherited wealth to benefit society.

      Calle Ocho is fun – order a cortadito from a ventanita and watch the viejitos play dominos.

      You can eat very well in Miami – fabulous Cuban food everywhere, even in the airport (La Carreta). I loved El Palacio de Jugos at 57th and Flagler. It’s a bunch of food stands. You buy your food and sit at the picnic tables outside, but watch out for the cats who want your lunch.

      There’s a great bakery – Charitin Bakery – just a block or two west of Palacio where you will get your box of pastelitos de guayaba to take home on the plane.

      I wish I had spent more time exploring and eating in Little Haiti when I lived in Miami.

    3. Bluebell Brenham*

      I was there pre covid, and enjoyed the Art Deco center in South Beach but I’m a huge architecture fan. The Wynwood walls were pretty cool, and my sister and I did a fun nighttime history trip we found on Airbnb. I also spent time at the Miami Beach Botanical Garden and it was nice.

  38. Might Be Spam*

    Are there any history reenactors here today?
    My colonial dance group performed at a Historical Harvest Festival today. It was a lot of fun. Especially when we got halfway through a dance and accidentally started doing a different one. I can’t get over that we ALL switched to the same (but wrong) dance.
    Today was basically our dress rehearsal for a bigger event next week. Bad dress rehearsals are supposed to be good luck. So next week should be spectacular.
    Actually everything was fine. As reenactors, we are supposed to act like it’s a regular day, so it’s a pretty casual situation.
    Although those wheeled wagons that make a lot of noise and don’t need horses are pretty disturbing. Loved the indoor privies!

      1. Might Be Spam*

        It is so much fun. I got involved by accident after my divorce and it has really been a great experience.
        I learn something new at each event. Today I learned about tempered metal from a blacksmith and a (pre-1800) game with stones from a sutler who was selling soap.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I need to visit the Plimoth Patuxet museums and see for myself, for Book 3. First, I need to finish the damn thing.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      Glad you enjoyed it. I used to sing and play a shawm in a renaissance group. Some of the dances were called brawls (though spelled differently – bransls, maybe?)

      You might enjoy an internet search for Pennsic, an annual event in the Society for Creative Anachronism, that draws over 10,000 pre-1600 CE enthusiasts. There are Romans, Vikings, Mongols, Byzantines, all the way up to high Elizabethan (Tudor, not Windsor, RIP). One fellow claimed to be an Aztec brought back by the conquistadors; he wore a leopard skin (actually sewn out of leopard print corduroy) and little or nothing else.

    3. Angstrom*

      Knew some folks who did vintage dance. Watching someone wearing a full set of hoops get in and out of a compact car was highly entertaining. :-) There’s a reason period ballrooms always had double doors…

      1. Might Be Spam*

        No hoops, thank goodness. We wear multiple layers of skirts, so we have 9-10 yards of fabric wrapping around our legs when we walk. It’s not as hot as it sounds, so we are OK with dancing in summer heat.

  39. slowingaging*

    Since I trust you more than google. I am now in my 60’s and having more facial hair. In the past I used Neat or Nair and it worked. Now it just doesn’t. So I sit there with a tweezer.. not fun. What would anyone recommend?

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      If you feel comfortable from a covid perspective (you could have the aesthetician wear a good mask), you could try facial electrolysis. It hurts (esp. the upper lip near the nose), but it lasts for a long while, and eventually, you get less hair there, and definitely fewer dark hairs.

      2. Kay*

        As someone who spent lots of money on this – it really doesn’t always work well, especially true with lighter hair.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      There are home waxing kits, if you’re feeling adventurous.
      There also razors. Unless you have a lot of very dark hair, once a week might be enough.

      1. slowingaging*

        I tried home waxing kits. I thought it would take off the fuzzy. Maybe I need to try a different brand.

    3. In the Mirror*

      Look up “dermaplaning” . This is basically what the cool kids are calling what we know as “shaving” and it’s in vogue as a lot of folks are now where you are with the facial hair.
      I have very visible dark hair; tried electrolysis which didn’t do much except cost me. Have used Nair and it’s fine but the smell is horrible and it gums up your sink piping (mine anyway). What I found does work is waxing, augmented by tweezing the worst offenders in between. That costing me $20 a session (lip and chin, with tip).
      See if your doctor will prescribe Vaniqua. It retards the hair growth and slows it down. Normally it is not covered by insurance; I found it helped some years ago but haven’t used it recently (cost). Plus I was a little worried about what I was putting on my skin – vanity is getting the best of me lately.
      I can relate.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Yes, I take a medication that causes me to grow more facial hair and I got a dermaplaning wand (which is so silly because it’s just a razor, but the handle is pink and it’s a dainty size for my delicate lady face) which I use about once a week. It helps with both fuzz and actual hairs.

      2. Lurker*

        Dermaplaning isn’t the same as shaving. It’s using a scalpel to scrape off dead skin cells, and can help with wrinkles, acne scars, etc. It’s supposed to help facial creams, moisturizers, etc. absorb better. It will remove peach fuzz, but that’s that’s not the primary reason you would have a dermaplaning treatment.

        1. In the Mirror*

          That’s the pitch, per the pricey spas. Yet I don’t see how that is materially different from a man getting a traditional hot towel shave with a barber’s blade. It takes the dead skin cells off and then the face is pampered with lotion or oil.
          I admit I think it’s all brilliant marketing.

          1. Lurker*

            I get facials regularly – at a not pricey spa, and they offer dermaplaning. It’s not a marketing pitch for fancy spas. You don’t shave with a scalpel and you can get dermaplaning without having excess facial hair so continuing to equate it to shaving isn’t accurate.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I have a lot of peach fuzz naturally and have been using the Panasonic women’s facial hair remover (bought on Amazon) for years. Works great!

    6. GoryDetails*

      Not the same issue, but I did notice that with advancing age came… whiskers! I get stiff little hairs, four of them (!), one on each side of my mouth and one on each side of my chin, and once they get long enough for me to feel them I have to grab the tweezers and do battle. (They’re hard to see even when they get fairly long, but I just can’t abide the little prickly feeling they give me. Though if I thought they’d grow into ACTUAL whiskers like a cat’s, I’d probably leave them alone…)

    7. Harlowe*

      I use tretinoin and thus cannot wax. I took up threading, which is easy and cheap to do yourself. All you need is a quality cotton thread (poly has too much slip, it has to be grippy) and some numbing cream if you’re sensitive.

    8. IPL?*

      If I may piggyback off your question: does anyone have experience with using IPL to remove hair from an area with a mole?

      I’ve read that it should be fine as long as you cover the mole with something light, so that it doesn’t absorb the light… but nowhere can I seem to find what that “something” might be, and whether it’s actually safe. Are there stickers? Special pens? Should I just throw in the towel and accept that IPL is not the solution for me?

    9. allathian*

      I get my facial hair removed with sugar about every 5-8 weeks. It’s not permanent, but it hurts a lot less than waxing, and my hairs are thinner and lighter than they were when I started.

    10. Lifelong student*

      I bought a gadget on Amazon called a facial and body hair remover. It was around 12.00. It is a small- almost lipstick shaped electric gadget that removes facial hair with a rotating head. Works wonders and does not leave stubble. Painless.

  40. Blue wall*

    I’m looking for recommendations of positive or motivational speakers or books– podcasts, audiobooks, or insight timer meditations.

    In the morass of the world I’ve been taking in a ton of content that is meaningful but also *hard!* I used to listen to Zig Ziglar and found that his tone and encouragement traveled well to get me to the gym, or up and out and doing stuff. What do you suggest?

    2. Miss Buttons*

      I love Insight Timer. Lynn Fraser does wonderful somatic work and is on Insight Timer but also has her own website, search on lynn fraser stillpoint. If you are into insight or vipassana meditation, Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield have their own websites with free meditations, and both have written books. For mindfulness and present-moment awareness, I like Mark Nepo and Pema Chodron, both have books.

    3. Observer*

      The Hidden Brain podcast has a “sister” mini-podcast called My Unsung Hero.

      Not motivational per se, just a short nice story of someone who stepped up in an unexpected way when someone was having a hard time.

    4. Fiction Reader*

      Gretchen Rubin wrote The Happiness Project, which was a blog then a book, and has a podcast called Happier with Gretchen Rubin. Lots of good ideas and insight.

  41. Ginger Cat Lady*

    I am making a new crafting spot for myself in a bonus room with angled ceilings. There are skylights there, and one of them is right over where my work surface is. This means I’m basically dealing with direct sunlight most of the day. I want to put up blackout shades. But how to make them stay over the angled ceiling without falling out and hitting me in the head?
    Right now I am thinking I put the roller part at the bottom end where it’s too short for anyone to walk, so no one hits their head on it at the top end.
    Either way I’ll need a way to hold the unrolled shade in place. Would magnets of some sort work? Hooks or clips?

    1. Angstrom*

      I’ve seen angled skylights with roller shades wher the tension of the rewind spring was enough to keep the shade in place. The roller was on the high side and the shade had a long pull running through a screw eye on the low side.
      Would applying diffusion film to the glass be an easier alternative?

      1. Unkempt Flatware*

        I like this idea, actually. I bought a beautiful film from a company called Rainbow Symphony for my front door that had windows at the top without a tint or anything. It casts amazing rainbows all over my house while providing privacy.

    2. Harlowe*

      We have skylights and I hate them. Twice we paid mid-hundreds for specialty window treatments, only for them to dry rot from the baking sun in less than two years.

      I’ve started looking into dimming fabric that you apply on the outside. It’s like a cinched bag that sits on the roof. Search “Fisher Custom Dome Skylight Shades” for one example.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      A lot of the new types of blinds now have side tracks which hold them tight to the window along it’s length. So, old style blinds were fixed in place at the top, with the sides and bottom hanging loose but I keep seeing ones now where the blind runs down two parallel side tracks. Sometimes this is done for blackout reasons, other ones are called “top down” blinds because some people want light at the top and privacy at the bottom. Would something like that work? Another idea might be Roman blinds, with hooks to hold the very bottom rod.

  42. Ali + Nino*

    Rosh Hashanah is coming up this week! What are you planning, what are you cooking? Rosh Hashanah is one of my favorite holidays so I may have overcommitted to hosting (I think four out of eight meals??) and I really hope I don’t burn myself out before Sukkos.
    I like preparing the simanim straight up, that is, not part of a special dish but here are the carrots, here are the leeks, etc. I do try to keep a sweet theme for the rest of the meal though – honey-glazed chicken, apple pie for dessert (my first time trying!), etc. L’shanah tova u’metuka to all!

    1. Not A Manager*

      This is a sad holiday for me. For the first time in years, I can’t bring myself to go to shul. I will be hosting a family dinner, though, and I’ll make everyone’s favorites. Chopped liver, gefilte fish, soup, pot roast, kugel… That menu is pretty much set from one year to the next. Only the dessert changes. This year I might make an apple pie and some kind of fruit crisp.

    2. HannahS*

      Honey cake, always. My family recipe is an old country one with fennel and anise, instead of a more pumpkin pie spice flavour. I love it.

      Mat we know only joy.

      2. Bibliovore*

        I do not have “a place to go” and am also feeling overwhelmed. Giving a lot of tzedakah.
        Scheduled the days as vacation days.
        Have apples and honey.
        Ordered take out to pick up on Wed. – matzo ball soup and a round challah. I wish I knew somewhere locally that made a good honey cake. (I do not bake) The one I like is dark and moist.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      L’shana tova!

      I’m having people over for Shabbat dinner next week so it’s a bit less burdensome for me. Only two guests. I already made a challah. I’ll definitely do matzo ball soup (Pati Jinich’s Mexican recipe) and tzimmes because we love it. I can’t decide on a main but I have a few days to figure it out. (Vegetarian mains are tough! Most years I wish I could just make a brisket.)

      Logistically this will be a tough Yom Tov for us, not to mention emotionally. We just moved. Our shul is about a 35-minute drive away, which is usually fine, except there is absolutely zero parking. We used to take the Metro but that’s also tough to get to from here. We could Uber, of course, or park at the Metro station. There’s a closer shul that I like a lot, so I’m going to call them and see if we can score some tickets. Otherwise it will be a lot of me going by myself (partner will stay home with elderly dog) plus virtual services. We need to figure this out soon because we love Kol Nidre at our shul but we’re also more willing to make the trip for that.

      This year, though, more than ever, I want to be with my fellow Jews. So I will figure this out.

      1. OaDC*

        Smitten Kitchen has a recipe for braised chickpeas in the manner of brisket, and in the head notes she mentions that her recipe was inspired by Molly Yeh’s brisket braised chickpeas. Smitten Kitchen’s recipe is called “tangy braised chickpeas” and I believe she includes a link to Molly’s recipe.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Thank you!!! That’s a terrific idea and a big help. I actually have most of those ingredients in the house. That with potato kugel will be excellent.

    4. Roland*

      I just moved to a new place with a horrible oven, so I’ll try to make a honey cake but I didn’t promise one. We’ll see how it goes. The only thing I signed up for is a fancy salad since that doesn’t require cooking.

    5. Bluebell Brenham*

      Spouse and I had a meal schedule all set up- adult daughter coming for dinner Weds, going to friends Thursday, and hosting on Friday. Unfortunately we both tested positive a few days ago and it’s our first go-round w Covid. I think I’ll be well enough to make us veggie matzo ball soup, and last weekend I splurged on heirloom apples. We are pescatarian so our main dish most years is salmon. And even though I try, honey cake never really does it for me.

    6. WestsideStory*

      My famous matzo ball soup, challah and apples for starters. For the main, I am planning a small turkey with vegetable sides TBD from my community garden plot and CSA pickup. I’ll be working from home so have time to cook it. The next week is going to be very busy so I need to have leftover proteins in the house for lunches and quick dinners. Plus we will be away for thanksgiving and we like turkey. Dessert will be a pumpkin pie unless a sponge cake calls my name in the market.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        Seconding. My health improved substantially when I went low-FODMAP. Different people react to different things; a bit of wheat or a bit of dairy at a time is fine for me, but I can’t tolerate alliums at all (onions, garlic, leeks, chives, shallots, etc.). I use a lot of Italian herbs and basil and mustard and chilli powder instead. I think some people react to tomatoes? And apples/pears and stone fruits add up quickly for people sensitive to those (my dietician told me I should never eat more than about 3 cherries per day!). Sweeteners become challenging (honey and agave are both high FODMAP and stevia also sets off my symptoms). I just use regular sugar, or Canadian maple syrup. Apparently most soya products are OK but soya milk is a problem from a FODMAP perspective, so I use other plant-based milks (rice milk tastes like nothing but it’s probably the safest from a FODMAP perspective). Lentils and chickpeas (garbanzo beans) are both high FODMAP so I just avoid those. Same with tapioca. Oats are supposedly fine in small doses, but it’s possible to overdo it.

        One really hard thing is that a lot of recommended fibre supplements are high-FODMAP! Inulin, chicory, and I think also psyllium. This explains why whenever I listened to my gastroenterologist in earlier years and started taking more fibre, even when I did so gradually my symptoms got worse rather than better. It’s possible to get acacia or guar gum supplements, but I had better luck just adding fibre to my diet through foot.

        Corn, rice, potatoes are all OK.

    2. Zweisatz*

      Cut out as little as possible and as shortly as possible. It’s easy to make stuff worse in the long run by restricting your food choices (vegetables, fruits and whole grains contain different polyphenols, complex sugars and fibers that are important for feeding your good gut bacteria).

      I heartily recommend the IBS freedom podcast to get a grip on the terrain. They have a tolerable amount of woo (which I ignore or verify with studies) and, in my opinion, a very helpful take on the matter.

      If you cut a food out make sure to put a time limit on it before retrying small amounts and to make the category as small as possible. E.g. if you react to garlic don’t automatically assume you have to cut out chives too.

      Also try tricky foods prepared in different ways. E.g. cooked vegetables are often more easily tolerated than raw vegetables (which you can work back up to later). I have a minuscule tolerance for raw garlic, but don’t think I have problems when it has been cooked.

    3. Cookofthehouse*

      My husband had UColitis and we found the specific carbohydrate diet (book available) very helpful for information.

    4. Observer*

      If you are pretty sure that it’s IBS, then it is absolutely worth looking into the low FODMAP diet. There is solid research, and it really works, if you’re willing to stick with it.

      I must recommend the app from Monash university. That’s the university is where a lot of the initial research was done. The app was relatively expensive, but I would have been willing to pay a lot more for it, it’s SO useful.

      One really good thing about it is that if tells you which of the categories a food falls into, and how much. That can be really useful as many people are not sensitive to all the categories of food, and some people are more sensitive than others.

      Also, there is a diary feature that can help you figure out which of the FODMAPS are the biggest problems for you.

      It has a really extensive food guide, a list of some certified brands, and a small recipe book. Not a ton of recipes, but a good starting point.

    5. tiasp*

      Thanks everyone. We don’t know if it’s IBS for sure, it just seems like that might explain a lot of symptoms and issues.

  44. Midwest Outfit Ideas*

    Help! I moved to the midwest from Florida, and I’m starting a new job in higher ed. I’d like to step up my fashion game and wear clothes that I actually like and make me feel good. I have a suit, and I have some jeans and flannel shirts. It’s the middle ground that’s giving me trouble. My workplace allows jeans sometimes, but I need some ideas for the dressier days, particularly fall to winter (do have a coat).

    Since I haven’t paid attention to fashion for awhile now, I’m kind of lost. I’m a cis woman, late thirties. Any suggestions?

    1. eh*

      Same age, though I’m in the northeast. I really like old navy pixie pants and wear those almost exclusively when I have to go into the office.

      1. Healthcare Worker*

        Seconding Old Navy pixie pants – thats what I wear exclusively for teaching in higher education.

    2. jm*

      I just got a new landsend catalog yesterday and I can’t justify any new medium dressy outfits for myself, I highly recommend you check there

    3. TPS reporter*

      Midwest alum here. I am a big fan of Express for medium dressy clothes. it’s like the Midwest version of what European fashion looks like? has a bit more of an edge than say Ann Taylor

    4. HannahS*

      What are your feelings on shirt-dresses? I find them good for the nebulous space of business casual, and give a more fall/winter feel without being too hot for Florida.

      Granted I do NOT have a good sense of what’s in style right now. But that’s still what I like.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh I gotcha backward. You’re now in the midwest. In that case, I suggest endless amounts of corduroy. Corduroy pants are warmer than most without the extra care needs of wool.

    5. sagewhiz*

      Another former Midwesterner here. Keep in mind that in Flori-duh we have *only* two seasons in fashion: brightly colored clothes March till Nov, dark from Dec thru Feb. Also, plaids and flannel give you away as a Northern transplant ;-)

    6. Texan In Exile*

      My favorite winter work outfit (I live in Wisconsin) was a knee-length pencil skirt made with a stretchy fabric, low-heel boots, and a silk or wool/silk sweater. I had one orange skirt, one black skirt, and one leopard print skirt that I rotated. I wore the just about the same thing every week but if anyone cared, they never said anything.

    7. Generic Name*

      How far north in the Midwest are you? Upper Minnesota is a much different ballgame than northern Missouri, for example. Do you have any winter coats, boots? Be prepared for winter to be gloomy (cloudy) as well as cold. If you are a professor, you have more leeway in your wardrobe than if you’re in administration.

      Chelsea style boots are really in style now, and they keep your feet warm and you can walk in a few inches of snow in them. I normally wear mine with jeans to work (I’m in the construction industry in the west, but originally from the Midwest). But you can wear them with skirts or slacks.

    8. M2*

      Some decent pants and a skirt or a nice dress or two. Ann Taylor, Ann Taylor Loft -they are having good sales now. Also TJ Maxx has some nice pants and dresses sometimes. I only buy Ann Taylor on sale, but been complemented recently on items I wore from there.

      You can also dress up or down skirts and add a sweater or cardigan if its colder and also wear tights or boots if colder or flats if warmer weather.

      1. LBD*

        I find that a just above knee length denim skirt is very versatile. The fact that it is a skirt brings it up a notch. Runners or hiking boots and a tshirt is very casual, switching to dressier boots and adding a cardigan changes it up.

    10. Alex*

      In the winter, I’m a big fan of sweater dresses + leggings + tall boots. It looks classy, but is so cozy and comfortable.

  45. Golden*

    Anyone have a recommendation for a good leather jacket brand/type? Something with longer sleeves is ideal, I’m typically a size S but have trouble finding tops/outerwear with long enough sleeves for my arms. Thanks!

    2. Generic Name*

      Overland trading has excellent leather goods. Primarily western style, but I gods a cool motorcycle style leather jacket from there.

  46. Keep it Simple*

    Indoor pet cameras/doorbell cameras: What do you use?

    I was reading the older thread about the LW whose boss spectacularly effed up when he was supposed to be taking care of her pets. I often go away for a weekend and leave food/water for my cats but don’t get a petsitter. I never thought about getting a camera so I could watch them. 1) I do not use Alexa so no Alexa-dependent technology. 2) I would prefer to use a laptop to see what the camera is seeing, rather than a phone.
    Any suggestions?

    1. Maryn*

      We have Roku cameras that we move around as needed. Last time we were away, we aimed one at the family room, and the person watching our house waved–when we happened to be checking it.

      There’s an app you can install on any device that alerts you to movement as well as letting you watch camera feed.

    2. MissCoco*

      We have a Eufy camera in our guinea pig cage, we call it the Pigopticon. Good ability to adjust to cover his whole cage and I love peeking at them over my lunch break at work. I do use a phone app though.

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        I think they do require new customers to subscribe now, but if you bought back when they didn’t, they’re not going to start making you.

  47. Gratitude*

    Do you have a gratitude practice? What does it consist in? I had one years ago where I would write 3 things I was grateful for every day, and I need to get back to it as it is so helpful with coping with life.

    1. Girasol*

      I take a cup of cocoa out to the garden bench in the grape arbor every morning (as long as it’s not raining) and think about the things I’m grateful for.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      I had a gratitude journal at one time. But, since I do not fall asleep quickly, I now go through ten things I am thankful for when I am lying in bed. However, you may find writing is better as you can look back on it over time.

    3. Cheap ass rolling with it*

      I do the 3 things grateful every day as well. I recommend just getting back into it — keeping it simple and stress-free is nice.

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