Thanksgiving free-for-all – November 28, 2024

by Alison Green on November 28, 2024

This comment section is open for any discussion you’d like to have with other readers (work or non-work or possibly even entirely dessert-focused if that’s your bag).

Happy Thanksgiving!

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{ 698 comments }

{ 698 comments… read them below }

  1. RMNPgirl*

    I became a department director in September at a new company and have three managers reporting to me.
    I’d like to give them a gift for the holidays but am not sure what to get them. I’ve previously been gifted mugs, fun socks, and chocolate and really only liked the socks. I’d like to stay away from food items because I don’t know what people really can/can’t or want to eat.
    Any ideas would be great.
    Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates!

    1. Trawna*

      The only gift I’ve ever liked or wanted: A nice card with cash or cash-equivalent gift card inside.

      Congrats on your new role! And, if you are in the US, Happy Thanksgiving!

      1. Kes*

        I think this is the best answer; a card with a note thanking them for their work (with a personalized message, making it clear you actually know what they’ve been doing all year and appreciate it) and a gift card to either a place of their interests, if you know one or else somewhere really generic, probably amazon (a card with cash somehow feels like what grandma gives you as a teen on your birthday).

    2. Aziriel*

      Amazon or otherwise gift cards? A little impersonal but by far the most useful. I personally hate socks but love mugs and chocolate lol so everyone varies.

      1. Vermont Green*

        I like the “otherwise” gift card idea. There are people out there like me who want no part in making Jeff Bezos any richer, even if the money has already been spent. (Illogical, I realize)

      1. GiftCards*

        Do you know they can use this? I probably couldn’t. I’d stick to general gift cards if you want to go the gift card route.

        1. EA*

          Many coffee shops sell drinks and food other than coffee, and I recommended it because I’d personally prefer to buy local vs. supporting Amazon. You could also consider a local bookstore.

        2. JSPA*

          even if you (say) don’t do any form of caffeine, nor anything with gluten, and you’re vegan or kosher, there would still be (e.g., based on our local coffeeshops) locally handmade mugs, insulated mugs, herb teas, vegan coconutmilk caramels, vegan gluten free kosher chocolate, tea infuser balls… nothing will be the best gift for everyone, but “local coffee shop” isn’t for coffee people only.

          1. magic*

            Yes, but then you’ve given them the task of going to this local coffee shop. If you don’t know, it’s more considerate to pick something that can be used online or at a chain.

      2. canuckian*

        If it was something like Tim Horton’s where they sell doughnuts, sandwiches and other food, that would be okay. But as non-coffee/tea drinker, I wouldn’t like a gift card to a strictly coffee shop. Not everyone drinks coffee.

        2. Mina Murray*

          I have never been to a coffee shop where they *only* sell coffee or even tea and coffee. They all have pastries, snacks, gifts, etc. (I’m in the US. Italy may be a different story.)

    4. LadyMTL*

      If any of them like coffee / tea or even hot chocolate, maybe make a little ‘kit’? You could get a mug and a bag of coffee or a tea sampler, something like that?

      For example, my mom loves coffee so one year I went to a local café, spoke with one of the employees who suggested a few different types that she might like and I bought two different types. I didn’t get her a mug, mind you, because she already has tons, but she loved the coffee.

    5. Boggle*

      Not sure why my comment was not posted but I bought one of those hats with lights for grilling, walking the dog, or taking out the garbage at night. He loves it. They have them on Amazon.

      2. Not A Manager*

        I have one of those hats! It’s both a novelty and also useful. I bought one for Secret Santa last year and it was a huge success, and I kept one for myself.

      3. Unkempt Flatware*

        Oh when you add links, it automatically goes to moderation and then is released when confirmed your post was legit

    6. londonedit*

      Socks are always good, and even though I have a ton of mugs, if someone at work gave me a mug then it could stay at the office and I could use it when I’m there. You could tuck a pair of socks into a mug and wrap it up in cellophane or something. Maybe with some chocolates as well (of course not everyone likes chocolate, but most people do, and it’s easy to give away if not).

    8. Tradd*

      I will add something that is really useful and a lot of people I know don’t seem to know about: 10ft phone/tablet charging cords. I have one by my bed so I can use iPad in bed while charging and one at my desk at home. Another at my desk in the office. Just make sure you get ones that match the phones these managers have. A lot of people still have older iPhones (14 and older) that have Lightning connectors. iPhone 15 and up are all USB-C. Android are all USB-C. Anker is a good brand. You should be able to find them on sale now. I’d add a gift card, too.

      1. Fluff*

        Yes –

        I got a long cord for a party and added some bling. It is a blue long cord which has three connectors on the “phone” end – lightning, usb 3 and another common one. I added little fish to the ends (where the mouth is where the USB / phone connector comes out). Then I put some sparkly tape around parts of the cord, People fought over the blue cord with a clown fish, spotted shark and octopus doo hickeys like sharks over chum.

        I had no idea.

        The next gift giving event I may make a Sasquatch one, like the Care of Magical Creatures book from Harry Potter. Get a long cord, find some furry type stuff to warp part of it in, then some woodland critters for the connectors.

    9. RLC*

      Pocket size flashlights, with a wrist lanyard or a clip to secure them to one’s clothing. Bonus points if you can get the kind with adjustable light levels.

    10. Ellis Bell*

      Some ideas; silicone mini spatulas, reading lights, fun bookmarks, flash drives, initial key ring, key finder.

    11. Blue Cactus*

      Do you know them well enough to know their favorite places to eat? Gift cards to a favorite spot feel more personal than cash but are still more flexible than a gift someone might not use – it’s what my family often does for neighbors and family friends.

    12. acmx*

      Glove and scarf set (or individually), flashlight like someone elsewhere posted, a power bank or other phone related tech (phone stand, wireless charger).
      I like practical/accessories/vaguely work related.

    14. Sara K*

      I know everyone is saying gift cards but I personally don’t like them because I never spend them! So just adding to the mix of ‘everyone is different’. And on that note if you know these managers and their preferences it can sometimes be best to tailor gifts to their likes rather than go generic. Honestly though, my direct reports (also managers) have been most pleased by the cards I have given them where I’ve talked about how much I appreciated their work and support of me mentioning specific things they had done over the year. It’s more about the sign of appreciation than the actual gift in my experience

    15. North American Couch Wizard Society*

      good flashlight or headlamp (who doesn’t need a flashlight for their car at least?)
      power brick
      umbrellas that are a little nicer than the standard black folding ones
      small plant or bouquet

    16. Nancy*

      Gift card to either a popular chain store in your area or a local lunch place, basically something that is generic enough that anyone can use it. I use most gift cards and the ones I don’t use I either regift or donate to someone else.

    17. Gift lover*

      I have liked:
      – a gift card (Amazon, Target, even one of those “choose your own giftcard” sites)
      -food items from the giver’s region- I have had management in other states and it’s really nice to get regional specific snacks
      – basket of really good fruit

  2. Anon for this*

    My boss came to me earlier this week and said that he would like to give me a raise, and requested that I send him an email setting forth the range and my accomplishments. I’m struggling to decide what’s a good range to give. For context, I’ve been in my role for approximately 18 months, have taken on and excelled at a variety of significant challenges and received a 2.5% cost of living increase in January. I’m in a jurisdiction where salary data is difficult to obtain, so I don’t have good comparators on where I am compared to the market.

    1. Anna*

      Apparently, according to the internet, a standard raise for a promotion is 10% to 15% – why not ask for 10-15 percent as a range, cite the general online consensus, and make the case that the work you’re doing would be in line with a promotion?

      1. Oh January*

        Adding on to Anna — if you can truly make the case that you are excelling, exceeding expectations, however you would word it, it might be prudent to ask for 15-20%, a bump up from a standard raise, because of your excellent work/quick learning/departmental support, or whatever? Especially if you’re a gender minority — we tend to undersell ourselves! It can affect us our whole careers. If your boss thinks 20 is too much he can always go back to the 15, which is within the “standard” range.

        1. Anon for this*

          Thank you Anna and Oh January! I was thinking either 10-15 or 15-20, but didn’t want to appear greedy. I don’t think about looking for promotion raise comparators, just googled raises and the standard amount seemed to be around 5%, which seemed too low when my boss specifically asked me to propose a number and cost a living alone is 2.5%.

      2. ursula*

        A raise on its own is different from a promotion-raise, though, I think? For a regular performance raise without any meaningful change of duties, I feel like the range is lower. But my perspective might be skewed here.

  3. Dear Liza dear liza*

    I’m in love with the idea of an advent doom calendar described earlier this week. I want to create one for a friend who often struggles a bit during January-February. What kind of small things would you include in such a calendar? I have a few ideas based on their hobbies but would love general pick-me-up suggestions.

    1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      Origami paper strips to fold into tiny stars! It’s really easy to do and they come in some really beautiful designs. I’ve got some galaxy-themed and glow in the dark ones cheap off Amazon.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      Watching! I was thinking about doing this as well. Socks, small treats (you know what they like), notes of encouragement, poems/words of wisdom/inspirational articles, mine should get several small jars of different kinds of mustard, small gift card (like for a coffee at their special place), secondhand book (yay, thrifting), lottery ticket.

    3. ecnaseener*

      Candy, cute little animal things like rubber frogs etc, puzzles, funny novelty items from thrift stores

    4. Small kindnesses*

      If they have a pet, including one or two toys or special treats (that you know their pet can have) could be sweet. Same if they have kiddos. Also regardless of kids, something like a small thing of playdough could be fun for fidgeting with.

      For a gift exchange I once put a bunch of music I thought a friend would like on a zip drive — you could do that if you have music that is shareable, or you could make them a playlist and share the link. A tiny craft kit — some origami paper, one of those mini watercolor sets there are ads for on instragram, or embroidery thread and some beads — could be fun if your friend is crafty but can’t find a lot of time to do it.

      Some stamps and stationary/postcards to encourage them to send someone they love a note (or just save them a trip to the post office when they need to mail something!).

      And someone said this on the other thread, but if you have access to World Market, they have all kinds of fun tiny food goods — I once put together a box for a friend who was going through a tough time and individually unwrapped each item so it would basically be a doom calendar. She promptly unwrapped all of them as soon as she received, ha!

        1. Margaret Cavendish*

          Ironically, World Market only ships within the 48 contiguous US states! Too bad, it looks like they have some neat stuff.

    6. Colette*

      Depending on what they like, you could include small puzzles (the dollar store near me has them), photo frames with a picture they’d like, lip balm, cozy socks, tea, hot chocolate, a small toy (slinky, silly putty, rubik’s cube), candy.

      1. Edwina*

        I love all of these ideas! And if it was for me, if just feel better knowing that my friend wanted to make one of these for me (even if a few of the individual items missed the mark).

      2. LBD*

        To add to the toy idea, a tiny lego kit is fun! If you can get playmobil toys, an individual character is also fun! Years ago some got me a character with a foal, bucket and grass accessories, and it still has a place on my bookshelf.

    7. I own one tenacious plant*

      A daily update on what time the sun rises in the morning. The dark months are tough for me but being reminded that they are improving can help. It also means you might see some pretty sunrises.

      1. Tea Monk*

        There used to be a Twitter account called here comes the sun that said the time the sun set and how many minutes of sunlight we had over the day before. I guess that’s the opposite but I liked it

      2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

        Oh, I don’t know. I had a friend who used to post like “88 days til spring” and I had to filter her out because for me, that only made it worse.

    8. infopubs*

      Sprinkle in a couple notes from you and maybe their other friends/family that say what you like about them or a funny anecdote. “You have the greatest smile!” “Remembering that time you made me snort soda out my nose!” “I’m grateful that you’re my friend.”

    9. Armchair Analyst*

      Think 5 senses – see, hear, smell, touch, taste.
      Not just small plastic stuff to stick on a desk but maybe Legos or similar for touch, chocolate for taste, small candle or even scented wax for smell, some to big that makes a cute sound when you want it to and then doesn’t when you don’t want it to.

      1. Martin Blackwood*

        Here’s a poem I have memorized for Winter Reasons. I find it very hopeful for Very Dark And Freezing Cold Nights.

        I Heard a Bird Sing by Oliver Herford (public domain)

        I heard a bird sing
        In the dark of December.
        A magical thing
        And sweet to remember.

        “We are nearer to Spring
        Than we were in September,”
        I heard a bird sing
        In the dark of December.

    11. Toast for Breakfast*

      A beautiful tumbled stone can be found pretty cheap at a local rock shop. Depending on the shape, they can be calming to hold. Tactile and visual! They have different symbolic meanings so you can choose based on what they like or a stone that symbolizes the sun or friendship or whatever you think would help. I would definetly include a note as to why you chose it for them.

    12. Dark Macadamia*

      I love the little bargain bins at Target or the craft store for stuff like this. Silly but useful knick knacks, little crafts and toys, etc. A mini cross stitch or diamond painting kit of something they like, small Lego (or off-brand block) builds, those funky little boxes you find in the checkout line at a bookstore like the tiny wind sock man or zen garden.

    13. Little Miss Helpful*

      Pretty stone or crystal or bead; pic of their pet; hand warmers; swear word coloring page (google it); water bottle sticker; shoulder troll

    15. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      I immediately started thinking of making one too! I’m going to buy a lot of childish/whimsical stuff. Mini playdough, a mixed set of 20 different fidget toys (amazon), some of those sticker sets that are faces you fill in with different eyes/hats/bows, temporary tattoos, candy bracelets, ring pops, tootsie roll pops, different kinds of gum (hubby is a big gum fan), hot cocoa packets, mini popcorn seasonings.

      I can’t decide if I want it to be 1 thing each day (which would be a lot!) or like 30 boxes that get pulled at random depending on how the day is going.

    16. Csethiro Ceredin*

      I loved the Doom calendar idea too!

      I did an advent calendar for my friend this year… I wasn’t budgeting as she’s my bestie, but here are some things I used (in addition to chocolate):
      Magnetic bookmarks
      Cable clips
      Single-serving fancy hot chocolate
      Washi tape
      Enamel pin
      Smoked salt (Maldon)
      Magnetic keyholder shaped like a cloud
      A thing you slide onto your thumb to hold a book open more effectively
      Hair elastics
      A tiny pottery vase
      Coin purse shaped like an Ikea blue bag
      Teabag holders that hold the teabag string at the rim of the cup
      A mini pet hair remover

    17. Csethiro Ceredin*

      I posted and it just vanished, so sorry if this is a duplicate.

      Loved the Doom calendar idea too. Here are the non-chocolate things I got for a friend’s advent calendar this year:
      -Pet hair remover
      -Individual fancy hot chocolate mix
      -Hair elastics
      -Magnetic keyholder for the wall, shaped like a cloud
      -Washi tape
      -Maldon smoked salt
      -Teabag holders that clip the string to the rim of the cup
      -Page holder that goes on your thumb to make holding the book open easier
      -Magnetic bookmarks
      -Padded bowl holder for microwaving/holding the dish of food
      -Cable clips
      -Mini coin purse shaped like an Ikea blue bag
      -Enamel pin
      -Tiny pottery vase
      –

    18. Tiny Clay Insects*

      This stretch between Thanksgiving and New Years is the toughest for me. It gets darker and colder every day, Im busier at work, plus there’s an expectation of happiness because of the holidays, making the gap between how I feel and how I feel like I should feel even larger.

      I do okay in January and February, and much better in spring and summer. I think in spring or summer I should prepare one of these for my future self, for the upcoming year, with things I know I love.

      Because so far the only thing I found that helps is a beach vacation, and that is not a feasible yearly solution.

      1. allathian*

        I’m at 60 N and this time of year we have about 6.5 hours between sunrise and sunset, and on winter solstice it’s 5 hours. It’s bearable when there’s snow, but I hate it when there isn’t any.

        But it’s odd that as soon as we hit Solstice, I feel a slight lightening of my mood in spite of the fact that it’ll be dark for several more months. I can totally understand why the solstices and equinoxes were so important for old-time Pagans (and continue to be for modern Pagans), and why people at higher latitudes where there’s a notable difference in the length of the day depending on the season still celebrate them in some way regardless of their faith traditions. At least here in Finland Midsummer (the Friday closest to summer solstice) remains an important holiday.

        I’m not much of a Christmas person now, so the runup to the holiday causes me stress, and it’s also one of our busiest seasons at work. I loved Christmas as a kid, and I loved watching my son love it when he was little. He’s 15 now and pretty much only likes the fact that he gets about two weeks off school (23 December to 7 January). So we’ve toned our celebrations down a lot in the last few years.

      2. Been There*

        The one Winter I came out the other side okay I traveled south for a week between Christmas and New Year where there’s just more daylight hours. Sadly not a yearly solution for me either, so this time I hope a daylight lamp offers the same benefits.

    19. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

      Not pick-me-ups, but things that can make life easier on especially bad days:
      – Door Dash gift card (or specific restaurant that delivers)
      – Help with a specific task or errand for a day when they just can’t even. Maybe a coupon offering to do something like wash the dishes, pick up their grocery store order, take the dog for a walk. (Immediately following a sudden death in my family, one of the most memorable helpful things a friend did was wash and clean the litterbox and bought more litter for me since I was nearly out.)
      – A more fun or easier version of something they already have. For example, I think most households have paper plates, but can you get some in their favorite color or a fun design?
      – What do they like to eat? Is there an easier version of that? I never buy myself precooked grilled chicken based on the cost, but there are days it would be really useful to be able to pull that and some steam-in-bag veggies and rice out of the freezer and call it dinner.

      Pick-me-up:
      A link to a song you think they will enjoy

  4. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

    Tell me about your pets! And what D&D alignment/class they would be :)

    (I have a lawful evil tuxedo cat who would definitely be a Bard because he is VOCAL)

    2. Rain, Disappointing Australian*

      I think my cat by default is Chaotic Evil.

      She’s a Siamese. :)

      (And for that matter, she too would be a bard.)

      1. Seawren*

        I’ve got a tabby who is also chaotic evil, a Rogue Assassin who is very bitey but you never know when she’ll strike.

        1. Rain, Disappointing Australian*

          I swear she thinks she was a police siren in a past life! At least she’s cute (and she knows it!)

    3. Our Business Is Rejoicing*

      Zoya, my floofy calico, is a chaotic neutral rogue. She is indeed actually named partially after a real D&D character of mine (tabaxi chaotic neutral rogue).

      I’ll have to think about the other three cats.

      1. Can't Sit Still*

        My shorthair tabico is the same. I suspect most torties, torbies, & calicos are, at the very least, chaotic!

        My oldest cat is lawful neutral. He’s a quiet puzzle solver and generally wary of everything, but he steps up to defend his family if it’s under threat. He’s utterly terrifying in defense mode, because he is a big boy that sounds like he’s possessed by a demon when he’s angry.

        My middle cat is a longhaired himbo and chaotic good. He monitors everyone’s food dish and informs me when one is empty by banging, loudly, on cabinet doors. He does this even though everyone has their own chip feeder and it doesn’t affect him at all. He loves everyone and everyone (except the tabico) loves him back.

    4. Baldrick*

      The older lab is probably neutral good, while the younger pup is chaotic neutral. I’d like to think he’s chaotic good, but the reality is that I can’t trust him enough to leave food on the counter when I go to work.

      1. Baldrick*

        The dogs have no stealth so definitely not rogues, and they have a deep relationship with nature except that they have no spells so not druids. Google tells me to “play a Ranger if you want to stalk a specific group as enemies” and they love the local rabbits, so… I think my dogs are rangers.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          My Wheaten Terrier is a ranger with one level of bard. He is definitely prey driven, so ranger. When he wants something he sings chirpy little songs– absolutely lovely, but not very effective because he only has a couple of songs.

    6. Oh January*

      I also have a lawful evil tuxedo cat! His nicknames are “big chungus” or “bastard man.” He would be a fighter for sure, he likes to bully his brother.

      His brother is a skittish, slender long-haired brown tabby. He is neutral good and probably a cleric. He sees ghosts everywhere and has a loud, healing purr when he cuddles up on your chest (or face, if you are lying down).

    7. HiddenT*

      Buttercup: petite female orange tabby, chaotic neutral assassin rogue. She dislikes most people besides me, is always getting into things she shouldn’t, and can be a bit wild. She will decide to bite me if I don’t do what she wants, and despises me roommate (except when he gives her lunchmeat).

      Delilah: black cat, chaotic good retired druid (maybe circle of dreams). She’s elderly and spends most of her time snoozing or snuggling. In her heyday she could get up to some shenanigans, but she’s always been a sweet girl who loves her mom and was a little shy with strangers (at least until they petted her).

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My older dog is a lawful neutral (some of her laws are made up based on what suits her preference) ranger, and my woofapotamus is a chaotic good (she has no idea what she’s doing but she always does it with the best of intentions) druid.

      1. JSPA*

        Lawful Neutral cat. She makes a few inviolate rules, learns rules, abides by rules. She bites rulebreakers (regardless of species or personal favoritism) and beats up cat interlopers / those outside the law.

    9. sulky-anne*

      I have a lawful good border collie. He is a Very Good Boy and hates getting in trouble. He also always knows when someone is having a hard time and tries to help them out.

    10. Yelly cat*

      I have a lawful neutral, black and white old lady cat. She’s the only cat I’ve ever known who actually follows rules even when no one is there to see! I’m not sure what class she would be, though. Definitely not a fighter and she’s not really a hunter (ranger) or mischievous (rogue). She could have been a bard because she is very vocal and LOUD, but she’s mildly disqualified by not being able to sing in tune, so to speak. It is more like she’s yelling all the time with all the lack of elegance that implies, which has gotten worse as she’s gotten older and a bit deafer. She’s kind of a homebody and wants to be left in peace to her routine at this point, although peaceful people (e.g. not kids with sudden movements) are welcome to pet and/or snuggle her. Maybe a cleric? But a decidedly neutral one. And one you have to go to and ask for help from, not one who will seek you out in times of distress (unless it is me, I am her person). Fun question!

    11. UndercoverLibrarian*

      You know that joke about everyone with two cats having the same two cats – one is an angel baby and the other is a felon? That’s me. My Old Lady Cat was posthumously dubbed a cleric by my partner. He even had her illustrated by an Instagram artist who creates portraits of pets as their D&D class, and it was so stinkin’ cute. My other cat has mellowed with age, but when she was younger, her alignment was Chaotic Dumb. (This isn’t as mean as you think; she once got her foot stuck behind her own head.)

    12. Another Kristin*

      I have a chaotic neutral silver tabby who would definitely be a fighter, since he wants to kill every small animal he sees (and some decently large ones). We keep him inside, not so much for his own good, but so he doesn’t kill every bird in the province.

    13. Ms. Norbury*

      I have a chubby tabby who I’d say is lawful neutral, and would probably be a Barbarian. Weird combo, I know, but she’s a rule follower who does not hesitate to use force against anyone who breaks HER rules.

      My other one is a tuxedo who is definitely chaotic good. He would probably be an artificer, since he’s insanely curious and an accidental troublemaker

    14. Fluff*

      Finnish Lapphund. He thinks he is a ranger, but really is a rogue.

      Chaotic.
      Infinite fluff.

      Jury is still out on the rest.

      1. Fluff*

        He thinks he can attack, but is actually stealthy. And super quick dogdy! A rogue who denies being a rogue, does not want to be a rogue and is actually a pretty good rogue. (As I hear yells from the kitchen because he was roguing).

    15. Frosty*

      I have 2 devon rex cats and 1 classic tabby cat.

      Lavender devon: chaotic neutral, Rogue assassin X warlock because her motivations & movements are often mysterious but almost always on the side of good

      Fawn devon: lawful good, paladin X monk multiclass for her vigilance that everyone receives a daily hug (including her two kitty sisters) but also for her incredible ability to leap and snatch a toy out of the air

      Tabby: chaotic good, cleric of Lathander (god of creativity) because she loves to oversee when I’m drawing

    16. RagingADHD*

      My cats are both chaotic neutral. I think the boy cat is an artificer, because he can open doors and is always messing around with stuff, but isn’t really clever enough to be a rogue.

      The girl cat is probably a druid, because she used to be feral and longs for the outdoors.

    17. goddessoftransitory*

      Peanut Cat is elderly and likes to sleep, but enjoys waking me up every morning at 4 am to snuggle and bathe himself. Dunno what category that would be??

    18. Jestem*

      My previous dog, Gomez was a Boxer dog. Cancer took him about 18 months ago, but in the 3 and a bit years we had him, he was one of the sweetest and oddly puppy like dogs we ever had. There for the birth of my daughter, through her first rolls over, and first steps and everything.
      Alignment? LG for sure. Class? Bard maybe. He always wanted to be around people, and was insanely gentle with people like my wife’s grandfather in his 90’s, whilst then being a full on WWE wrestler it felt like with my wife’s cousins. He was whatever he needed to be at the time he needed to be it.
      I miss him.

    19. Dinwar*

      We have a Husky that’s Lawful Good (or at least tries to be). The cats range from Chaotic Evil to Chaotic Neutral, depending on the day (there was no reason for slicing up my shoulder yesterday). And a sugar glider that’s Chaotic Neutral–he’ll either poop on you, bite you, snuggle with you, or use you as a launch pad for gliding, depending entirely on his mood.

    20. OneTimeAnon*

      Raleigh – terrier mix: neutral good, likely a ranger but with a hair-trigger paranoia of all around him.
      Chancho – JRT/chihuahua mix: lawful neutral, probably a druid.
      Cora – mix rescued from the streets of Mexico: chaotic neutral, absolutely a rogue.

    22. North American Couch Wizard Society*

      Female brown tabby Maine Coon would be lawful neutral. She keeps a strict schedule, monitors all the happenings and whether they’re likely to benefit the cat, and reminds us mostly politely when we fail to live up to our requirements.

      Male orange tabby Maine Coon would be chaotic good. He’s a super athletic genial giant who likes people and is always up for snuggles but has nothing but elevator music between his ears.

    23. Goldfeesh*

      Six rats. Chaotic good/neutral. One’s definitely a Rogue because that’s his name. I have a Smokey- he’s a gray hooded. A Bandit (is that a class too? I don’t remember), he has black and white markings with a white blazed face except around his eyes he had a dark mask.

      Then I have John, Paul, and George (Ringo passed from unknown causes fairly young). John is my favorite of this group of six rats. He’s a beige-hooded sweetheart. He doesn’t have his top teeth and the poor buddy has to be taken in every few months to the vet to get his lower ones trimmed. Paul has the same coloring, back when he was younger he was a big explorer, going anywhere and everywhere. George, also same coloring was even more into exploring. (Maybe a Ranger?) He once went upstairs into the upper half of the duplex, surprising the vet tech who lives up there. She’s like, “Are you missing someone?” Her dogs were like, “Meh, we know him, we won’t bother him.” (Thankfully).

    24. Numbersmouse*

      My tuxedo would probably be chaotic neutral? She’s so sweet when she wants to be, but so naughty. <3 I wanna say she's a roguelock; she's pretty stealthy and definitely the type to make shady deals with otherworldly entities.

      My partner's cat is a floofy ginger and white boy. Neutral good except when he bullies other cats. He's smarter than he looks and very vocal about food. I think he's a barb.

      And my late orange tabby was definitely a lawful good monk. He was so graceful and nimble, and such a sweetheart.

  5. Wanderer*

    So, I had a situation at work today.
    Recently, we got a new machine at work. Some female coworkers had problems with it not working right and asked me for help. I’m no mechanic, but they thought “maybe he can figure something out”.
    I took a look, couldn’t find a problem and the machine worked as it should. Later that day, the machine stopped working again.
    Today, a coworker said, trying to make a joke, I’m sure, that “maybe all that thing needs is toxic masculinity.”
    When I hear “toxic masculinity” I think aggression, sexism and sexual misconduct.
    I do not want to be associated with that, even as a joke. I want to go to this coworker, with whom I usually get along well, and ask here for the reason stated above to not make a joke of that nature again.
    Is this the way or am I thin-skinned here?

    1. possibly*

      As a woman in a male dominated field, a little bit of both. You absolutely shouldn’t have to hear that. And I shouldn’t have to hear “… , oh, except do whatever your wife says”/ “women should stay home with the kids. They’re so good at it”.

      So, yes, it’s absolutely sexist, and it should be shut down. But it’s also part of the sexist backdrop of our society. And if this is the first time you’ve had an overtly sexist comment directed at you, that’s a privilege that women don’t enjoy.

      1. Wanderer*

        Okay, thanks for the clarification.
        It wasn’t the first encounter I had with sexism.
        I don’t look for advice most of the time, since no matter what happens – getting my butt grabbed by a woman my mom’s age, having a vitriolic female manager who felt a need to stroke my chest, getting unsubtely punished by a male manager for taking paternity leave – asking for advice on sexism as a male most of the time ends with one getting told that I “finaly see how it ist for women”.
        I’m really glad the commentariat kept it to an absolute minimum.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Ugh, all of that is gross, unacceptable, and definitely not something you should have to put up with–I don’t care what gender you present as.

    2. Bella Ridley*

      If I had a coworker I got along well with, and I made a joke like that and received a response like that, I’d never make another joke of any type with him ever again. Do whatever you want, but be prepared to significantly cool the relationship if you do.

      1. tabloidtainted*

        Ideally, you shouldn’t be making jokes at a coworker’s expense, no matter how well you get along with them.

      3. Irish Teacher.*

        To be honest, I feel if she cools the relationship because he points out that he was insulted when she said something insulting, that sort of…says something about her.

        There’s something I read somewhere about how what says the kind of person you are isn’t whether you mess up. We all do that. It’s not even how badly you mess up because all kinds of things can affect that. In this case, it’s possible she misunderstood what “toxic masculinity” means and didn’t realise she was essentially calling Wanderer a sexist or a bully, for example. What says the kind of person you are is how you react when you somebody points out that you messed up.

        I think most people would be horrified to hear that they had essentially called a coworker they liked a sexist bully and yeah, I can imagine they might not joke again for a while out of embarrassment, but I think they would also want to know so they don’t misuse the term again, both potentially really offending somebody and also…well, diluting the meaning of the term and giving ammo to those who want to make out that feminism is anti-men and not about equality but about insulting men for being men. Assuming she’s a decent person, well, she might well be awkward and embarrassed but she won’t blame him for her mistake.

        If she does respond to him pointing out that she said something insulting about him by getting mad at him for pointing out that she insulted him, then…well, that’s really her ending the relationship.

      4. Roland*

        If I got along well with someone and they told me I hurt their feelings, I’d feel bad and try to do better. But each to their own.

    3. tabloidtainted*

      I have seen people unintentionally use “toxic masculinity” as a stand in for “masculinity.” Kind of like how everything is gaslighting or everyone is a narcissist. I think it’s fair to ask her not to make that joke again.

    4. acmx*

      Wow, that was rude of her. You helped them and she called you toxic?! She would not like it if you made a joke about women.

      I would want to address it, too.

      1. learnedthehardway*

        I’m offended on the OP’s behalf. I mean, really. I expect it was meant to be funny, but it was hurtful, instead.

    5. Maybe*

      Maybe instead just tell her that you were thinking about that, tell her what that makes you think, and tell her you hope she doesn’t think that applies to you. This assumes you are open to her telling you that it might! Or just let it drop, remember the bit about jokes punching up but not down?

      1. Unkempt Flatware*

        To your last point, I don’t think that works at the individual level. When we are colleagues in a work place, I do not want to hear that treating someone like that is okay as long as the perceived societal imbalance tips in the right way.

    6. bamcheeks*

      What kind of outcome are you looking for from this conversation?

      I think there are probably three outcomes you can get from this:

      1. she is generally a kind and friendly person who meant to be funny, it landed badly, and she is apologetic because she didn’t mean to hurt your feeelings
      2. she meant it to be funny, but she’s defensive when you call her on it, and tells you you’re overreacting
      3. she meant to be mean

      Based on what you know of her, which do you think it is?

      I personally wouldn’t *ask* her what she meant by it, because I don’t think the answer will actually give you new information: she either meant to be mean or thought it was a lighthearted joke, and there’s no deeper meaning than that. But I do think you can simply state a boundary: “hey, that joke about toxic masculinity kind of hurt my feelings! I was trying to be helpful, not toxic.”

      How she reacts will tell you whcih one of the three options above it was. If it’s 1, she’ll go, “oh sorry! I was just meant as a silly joke. I don’t think you’re toxic!” or something like that. If she meant to be mean, or she gets defensive when called on a joke gone wrong, she’ll say, “wow, overreaction much? Can’t you take a joke?” And that’s the information you need either way.

      TL;DR: asking what she meant probably won’t help, but telling her that yoh didn’t appreciate the joke will show you who she is.

      The reason is probably that she thought it would be funny.

      1. Lexi Vipond*

        Yes, I think it was intended as a joke at the machine’s expense – that it was only willing to work for a man. Not brilliant phrased, though.

        1. londonedit*

          I was also wondering whether she really meant ‘the patriarchy’ or something – as in, turns out all the machine needed was a strapping lad to knock it into shape. It’s still not the best joke and isn’t really funny, but I can imagine her meaning something like that, a joke at the machine’s expense or a general dig at ‘the patriarchy’, rather than meaning ‘toxic masculinity’ and implying that you were an example of toxic masculinity. Sort of like the opposite of when people say ‘See, just needed a woman’s touch!’

      2. Wanderer*

        Thank you – and so many others – for the input.
        I am sure my coworker meant it as a throwaway joke; at most in the sense The Sweet One and Lexi Vipond assumed. I’m looking at setting a boundary. A couple of months ago, there was a similar but far less crass situation – with someone else – and I don’t want repeats.
        I also think that bringing it up calmly will go over well.

        1. Fluff*

          Good luck – please give us an update.

          Your question really makes me pay attention to the full picture. And, I wish we had more Wanderers at my job.

    7. DJ Abbott*

      I think your coworker was not so bright, saying that. A person with awareness of such things would know it probably wouldn’t land as a joke.
      How do you think she would respond to you saying something? Would it be OK with your manager if you did? If you think she would respond badly, then keep quiet. Otherwise I would lean towards saying something, if it would be OK with your manager.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        PS- if it changes or cools the relationship that’s no great loss, unless you work closely with her?

    8. The Sweet One*

      Hrm. That’s a really weird comment, and I am having some trouble wrapping my head around what they could have meant given the context. (Toxic masculinity is complex and harms everyone—it’s definitely not just bad for women.) As someone else mentioned, it seems like someone used the term without really understanding what it meant. It may be that it was a dig at the women who asked (i.e. that they were implying that mechanical stuff was “men’s work”).

      Either way, I would probably assume ignorance rather than malice and try to lightheartedly push back on that (like “Nah, it’s just teamwork/collaboration/whatever corporate value applies here” or “Now we know how many llama groomers it takes to troubleshoot a set of hand crank clippers. We should document this!”

      If they make another comment like that, I’d call it out: “You’ve said that my helping Jane is toxic masculinity a couple of times. That troubles me. What do you mean by that?”

      1. anonymous anteater*

        agree with this. Even before a repeat of the comment, you could say “hey remember when the machine was working for me but not others, and you joked about it needing toxic masculinity? I’m still hung up on that, I hope you’d tell me if I was behaving toxic.”

        Assuming that she made a thoughtless throwaway comment, she needs to know that it landed with you differently. Then the conclusion not to say it again should occur to her independently.

        1. Like this*

          I like this as it does not get into “feelings” like being hurt, need for apology or so on, and can be delivered in a warm and light tone.
          OP might also add, as stated in their question, “… think of aggression, sexism and sexual misconduct.
          I do not want to be associated with that and hope you would tell me if… “

    9. Lucy Van Pelt*

      My take is slightly different due to my experience in a similar situation. First up, it was a rude joke and you are not thin skinned. But if the coworker who made the joke is female, there might be some innate frustration behind that “joke” toward herself and/or her fellow coworkers who obliviously followed stereotypical gender bias that women would take a machine to a man to fix. I’ve done this before and kicked myself. Held a grudge against myself, even as I know I’m in a constant battle with the stereotypes within the system in which we all were raised.

      I never apologized to the coworker I insulted. He did nothing wrong and was as bewildered as you are as I realized too much later. I still owe him one, but we’re both several jobs and countries away by now. If you can, do what you suggested and tell her that joke was offensive to you and ask her not to do it again. She might be the kind of person who would be glad of the chance.

    10. GenderRoles*

      Personally. I think you should have shut it down if they singled you out to fix it because you’re male. Because that’s really the root of the issue here/where the rest falls from.

      As a mechanically minded female, it bothers me that the dynamic was women automatically asked the man to do it and that was accepted on both sides of the equation.

      Now perhaps a group of coworkers who happened to be women couldn’t figure it out and were asking everyone who passed by if they could and you (who happened to be make) stopped to give it a try that would be different, and perhaps it really was that and you’re making a point of gender from the start because of the subsequent comments, but that’s not how it reads to me.

    11. EA*

      This is the kind of comment that is really better addressed right when the person says it. I think you could certainly say something if the person makes a similar joke again. But bringing it up later probably won’t have good outcomes.

    12. Two cents*

      If I was your coworker, I would want you to tell me a joke I made landed badly so I could apologize! I don’t think it has to be a big deal for either of you. Unless you see evidence that suggests otherwise, I would give her as much benefit of the doubt as you can by assuming it was a badly phrased attempt at humor to diffuse her frustration and/or the situation. We’ve all said something stupid before, or picked the wrong word for what we meant or otherwise garbled an interaction, even badly. Not every situation is steeped in bad intentions or meanness or digs at other people or the system we live in, more often it is that we are human and bungle things. But that doesn’t invalidate your feelings about it and I think it is absolutely appropriate to mention it to her and give her a chance to smooth things over!

    14. Saturday*

      I’ve heard people use toxic masculinity when they mean masculinity or male energy or the like. Which is completely messed up! I absolutely don’t think you’re being too thin-skinned.

      But I think it means that your coworker was not associating you with aggression, sexism and sexual misconduct if that’s any comfort. I think there was some discomfort about the women asking a man for help with machines, like Lucy Van Pelt mentioned above, and you got unfairly pulled into that.

      Personally, I don’t think I’d bring it up now that it has passed, but I would be ready to respond if you hear that again. Maybe something like, “Hey, I hope we can agree that there are lots of ways to be male that aren’t toxic,” would call out the problem with throwing that phrase around, and someone who isn’t trying to be malicious would take note.

    15. Oh January*

      The way I would interpret that (I’m not a woman) is that the machine is toxically masculine because it will only listen to/work for men. She said it a little backwards but if you have an otherwise good relationship with her, I’d just assume that’s the joke she meant to make.

      If you do want to talk to her about it without being accusatory, that might be a way to bring it up. “I’ve been thinking about that joke you made yesterday, and I still don’t think I get it. Were you trying to say X?”

    16. RagingADHD*

      I think bringing it up calmly but sincerely is probably the best way to go. You’re concerned that she (or others) might think you did something toxic, and you want to do your best to rectify that.

      By taking it as a serious commentary on yourself you are less likely to put her on the defensive, and more likely to make her think of how her words affect the humans around her. IME, in a situation that needs diplomacy, that is more effective than telling people what they can or can’t joke about.

      In other contexts, I’m a big believer in the “hey, knock it off” approach, but with a dynamic like this you run the risk of inadvertently coming across blustery or confrontational, so going in the totally opposite direction can help.

    17. JSPA*

      The “joke” is not even a joke (but only a non sequitur) unless you’re either known for mansplaining (etc) or if you’re 180 degrees removed from that. Even then, in case 1, it’s passive aggression more than a joke; and in case 2, it’s still not actually funny.

      Assuming you’re generally mindful of not stepping in unasked (or hovering meaningfully until asked), seems like it’s more likely the 2nd option. Or indeed, a random non-sequitur, where the coworker’s brain backpedaled from (say) “a masculine touch” and lit (unfelicitously) on another phrase including “masculine.”

      “Mabel, I’m still feeling unsettled by your choice of words about the printer. I’m hoping that toxic masculinity is not what pops into your mind when you think of my attitude? I mean, if it is, that’s a problem, and we should bring in someone to mediate a chat about that. But if not, can we both not joke about genders and toxicity?”

      Do be prepared to hear something about it not being pointed at you (“Ugh, I’m sorry, I was listening to a podcast where they made the term funny by repetition, and in the context of that, it could have been funny, but it wasn’t, and I’m sorry) or about you being the antithesis of T.M. (in which case, it’s only “funny” like calling the quiet guy “motormouth” which…yeah, not that funny). So, “Yeah, I work hard to police my behavior and keep that status, so the joke still cuts harder than you’d think.”

      And for the record, I wouldn’t assume you were unable to joke around because of a specific point of sensitivity. Plenty of people don’t “do” jokes with even a minor gender component (especially if their coworkers are trading in tired generalizations).

      1. Friday Person*

        Perhaps this is a matter of regional or generational linguistic differences, but I am trying to imagine someone actually telling a colleague out loud that “I’m still feeling unsettled by your choice of words about the printer” and I am really having difficulty with that!

    18. Samwise*

      That’s obnoxious and you are right to be annoyed and offended.

      Your wording is fine. If you generally get along with the speaker, you could start by saying, I’m sure you didn’t mean any offense, but…

    19. Llama lamma workplace drama*

      Anytime I hear a woman refered to as ‘female’ it makes me think of the Ferengi from Star Trek lol

  6. Anima*

    Does anybody have a good and proven deviled eggs recipe? I would like to make them and can of course google it, but I’d like a tested recipe. Am in Germany, for that matter, so no Thanksgiving, but I’d like to try those eggs.
    Partially also because Snake Discovery made a reptile save version of them and the reptiles really liked them, I think I (human, really I swear ;) ) will like them, too.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      There’s a zillion ways, heh. I do my filling with mayonnaise, crumbled bacon and garlic because I like them savory but not actually spicy. Some people do mustard, some people do relish/chopped pickles, I’ve seen chopped sun-dried tomatoes, paprika sprinkled on top is a pretty common garnish. My mom does mustard AND pickles. My husband likes his with a bit of avocado mashed in and also some hot sauce.

    3. old curmudgeon*

      I also don’t really have a recipe, just add stuff to the mashed yolks until it looks and tastes right. I start with mayonnaise and yellow mustard, a bit of granulated garlic, and a bit of granulated onion. I also occasionally add a little curry powder (sweet or hot, according to preference), and I always use half-sharp paprika to sprinkle over the top rather than sweet paprika. My spouse likes to use the lumpy brown mustard instead of yellow, or you can use the fancy French mustard.

      1. Edwina*

        When I was a kid my friend’s mom taught us how to make deviled eggs that were really good. unfortunately the only thing I remember was using the tip of a knife to take a pinch of powdered mustard out of the can to put in the mixture. I think the mustard is what made them taste delicious.

      2. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

        Same. Mine preferably have mayonnaise, yellow mustard, pepper, maybe salt, and pickle juice.

    4. HannahS*

      I don’t have a recipe. I mash the egg yolks with salt, pepper, mayonnaise, lemon juice, and paprika, then top with a caper or chive.

      A devilled egg is really just a version of egg salad! So anything you like in egg salad will work.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      My standard is:
      Hard boil some eggs.
      Mash up the yolks with mayonnaise, salt, pepper, capers, maybe mustard or parsley. Pile back into the eggs. Sprinkle with paprika.

      I share this observation from Smitten Kitchen: In most contexts, if someone offered to feed you six eggs, you would decline in puzzlement. But turn them into deviled eggs and suddenly it becomes simple to eat that many.

      1. Zephy*

        Same energy as “would you like to eat six pieces of string cheese before your actual dinner?” No. “what if we breaded and deep-fried them, and served them with a cup of marinara sauce?” Hell yes, keep ’em coming.

    6. Not That Jane*

      A fellow Snake Discovery fan! :)

      Personally I like my deviled eggs like this. Hard boil a bunch of eggs, more than you think you’ll need. Let them cool, peel and cut in half along the long axis. Remove the yolks and put in a bowl with a little mayo, some seedy mustard, and maybe a little smoked paprika, chives, or celery seed. It’s flexible :) Mash the mixture together (I do this with my hands). Then use a spoon or piping bag, if you have one, to fill each egg white with a dollop of the yolk mixture.

    8. londonedit*

      Nigella Lawson made devilled eggs on one of her TV programmes a while back, as a one-woman quest to bring them back from the 1970s, and her recipes are usually excellent.

    10. Charlotte Lucas*

      I use sweet pickle relish, mustard, mayo, and smoked paprika. And I don’t really measure, just mix to the right texture and taste.

    11. Spaypets*

      Not to be pedantic (although it’s my superpower), but deviled eggs really should have mustard, that’s what makes them “deviled,”(though hot sauce would probably qualify too) otherwise they’re just stuffed eggs. Anyway, I use mayonnaise, dijon mustard and cumin in mine. No real recipe, just enough to create an easy to work with paste with the yolk.

    12. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      When I make a batch of deviled eggs, I use horseradish in half of the filling and mustard in the other half. The two flavors get different toppings. It seems like the horseradish-filled eggs always get eaten first!

      1. BermyBeepBeep*

        I was getting all kinds of worried cus nobody mentioned horseradish yet! I even use wasabi when I can get it. Maybe a little cube of bell pepper for garnish, for the crunch.

    13. Anima*

      This is amazing, thank you all so much! I’ve now got several jumping off points to make these eggs, and we are a mustard-loving household, so I will start there!
      Gosh, this forum is so nice! :)

      1. skeptic53*

        Deviled eggs are my go-to for potluck. All the ideas so far are great but my secret ingredient is add a tablespoon of melted butter per dozen eggs to the filling mix. To make the eggs peel cleanly, poke a hole in the fat end with a pushpin or needle. It also helps to use eggs that are a few days old but still fresh enough to eat..

    15. Shiny Penny*

      Fun to read all the different versions!
      I’m sure somehow this is bad and wrong, but I throw all the yolks into a big freezer-weight ziplock bag along with the “good” mayo and regular yellow mustard, and just mash it all up by smooshing the outside of the bag. Maybe this is an example of the dreaded “over working” but it creates the fewest dishes to wash!
      When I’m happy with the ratio of ingredients (judged by color— I never measure), I cut off one corner of the bag and just pipe out the yolk mix.
      Sometimes I’ll stop and add sweet relish to the last quarter, but that flavor is so dominant it kinda results in an entirely different animal.
      I do put a dash of paprika on the top, as the last step, because my Mom always did and it makes it look right!
      Possible errors to avoid:
      Starting out with yolks that are not completely cold.
      Forgetting to mix in some salt (How much? No idea. Taste testing essential!)
      Trying to use really fresh eggs, because they are SO much harder to peel cleanly! The older the eggs, the easier they peel. Commercial eggs are almost always old enough to peel just fine. But if “this week’s eggs” are all you have to work with, try peeling them under running cold water when they are still so hot your fingertips are burning and you are yelping in pain. That was my Gramma’s method. Alternatively, some people add a lot of white vinegar to the boil water, or pop a pinhole thru the shell on the fat end of each egg before cooking (one or the other lol).

      1. RagingADHD*

        I have also done the ziplock bag mash, which is convenient for piping, but personally I feel like I get a better mix and texture in a bowl.

    16. RagingADHD*

      Deviled eggs are super simple and variable.

      1 dozen hard boiled eggs.
      Mayonnaise
      Mustard
      Chopped pickles – if you have pickle relish, that’s good, if not, chop up some cornichons or something similar. Alternatively, capers.
      Salt or pepper to taste (depending on the saltiness of your other ingredients)
      Paprika.

      Peel your eggs, slice them in half lengthwise, and pop out the yolks into a bowl.

      Add all your dressings except the paprika. I’d probably start with a serving spoonful of mayo, 1-2 tablespoons each of mustard and relish. Mash it all together until smooth and adjust your condiments for taste and texture. You want a thick, mostly smooth texture sort of like ganache or meringue (except for the pickles, of course).

      You can use a ziplock bag to pipe the mixture back into the whites, or fill them with a spoon. Sprinkle paprika on top.

      I have also made them with curry powder in the mixture, but in that case I would leave out the pickles and probably the paprika.

    17. Raechem*

      Mustard, mayonnaise, and whatever else you like goes into the mashed egg yolks (you have already hardboiled them whole). Horseradish (small quantity), pickled cucumbers, etc. My friend makes the BEST devilled eggs–she puts some chopped sweet pickled jalapenos in her yolks. You can buy those here, but if you cannot where you are, you can make those, if you can get jalapeno peppers. Remember to seed and rib those first, while wearing disposable gloves.

  7. HannahS*

    (CW: pregnancy)

    Well, I’m expecting baby #2 and feeling both happy and excited (this is very wanted!) and also nervous. I would say that the transition to motherhood was pretty rocky–we had just moved to a new city, it was the pandemic, we were isolated, Mr. S was veering towards depression and was not particularly helpful postpartum, baby #1 was not cranky by nature but did need to be held and entertained every second and didn’t sleep through the night until she was two and a half, I had several painful complications of breastfeeding, etc.

    So…it wasn’t great, and I’d like to avoid repeating that experience, especially because baby #1 will be 4 years old and I want all of to have an easier transition to being a family of 4.

    So I guess I’m looking for the following:
    -What kind of help did you find helpful? e.g. night nanny, meal service, cleaners?
    -How did you support a smooth transition for your older child?
    -Please just reassure me that it’s easier the second time around lol

    1. ReallyBadPerson*

      Hire a cleaner. If your first is in daycare/school, or you have a nanny, keep the routine the same. Allow your oldest to participate in welcoming the new baby, fetching blankets, singing lullabies, etc. Have cuddle time with them whenever new baby is napping or being held by others. Expect a bit of behavior regression. It will pass.
      Hire a cleaner, hire a cleaner, hire a cleaner!

      1. Shiny Penny*

        Re hiring a cleaner/housekeeper/aide de household— consider beginning the hiring project asap if you can afford it.
        It would be ideal to have multiple weeks of experience with your person before the actual crisis moment of need. Avoid having to hire a new employee and train them to the job when you just gave birth and are on your last nerve.
        (Not a Mom, but speaking as a person with extremely variable mobility issues. In my experience, it is SO much better to already have someone you know/trust/like/have trained, already set up and appearing regularly, way before you are in crisis mode. Even if this means you are paying for times when you technically don’t NEED them because you were pretty operational for a few weeks.)

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Smoothing transition (kids five years apart):

      We let her make up birth announcements to distribute at preschool with a goodie bag, like for a birthday party. Solemnly acknowledging her transition into big sisterhood in a way that made it about her.

      After baby arrived, we gave her a special new toy. (A barn for her extensive horse collection.) A new exciting thing to occupy her that didn’t require our involvement.

      We read the book Julius the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes, about a very intense mouse named Lily who is very excited about her new baby brother, right up until he arrives and she does not care for sharing the attention. Oldest actually found this stressful before the baby–she believed she would never have negative feelings–but after youngest arrived asked if we could read the story again. It’s great because Lily’s idea of lashing out is to sing the baby the alphabet in the wrong order and call him a raisin. Oldest might be feeling some things, but it’s not like she ever called the baby a raisin.

    3. bamcheeks*

      It absolutely was easier the second time around for me, chiefly because I knew that babies are tough and are not actually trying to die. As long as they are fed regularly, changed regularly, and cuddled a lot, they are overwhelmingly likely to be fine (obviously there are awful tragedies, but they are awful tragedies and rarely the result of the kind of decisions I worried over.) Sooooo much of my first-baby anxiety was not being able to triage things like, “the baby needs a nappy change” “the baby is hungry” “the baby is crying and I don’t know why”, and I think I truly believed that if I got any of these things wrong, The Baby Might Die. I was so much more chill with #2 just because my Worst Case Scenario was more like, “the baby will have to wait an extra half an hour to be changed because we are on the way home and she will cry all the way” or “if this baby doesn’t go down for a nap now bedtime will be Worse”, neither of which is a Good Outcome but they are not tragedies.

      Plus it’s actually really helpful that you’ve practised the MECHANICAL stuff — you know how to set up and drop the pushchair one handed! You aren’t trying to figure out the carseat whilst sleep deprived and with a soundtrack of someone screaming!

      I would try and plan for a mixture of childcare/babysitting (including your partner) which includes a) baby is being looked after and I get time with Big Kid b) Big Kid is being looked after and I get time with baby and c) both are being looked after and I get TIME BY MYSELF.

      Four year olds are big enough to be Very Helpful– really liked having a 3-year gap because it was very easy to tell Big Sister that she WAS a Big Sister, and to tell her that the baby looked up to her, and to involve her in things like cuddling the baby, showing her toys, singing to her and things like that. They are both grade-school age now and I LOVE their relationship– they do fight, but they are super close and both of them name each other as their favourite person. I do feel this is as much luck as anything we did right, however!

    4. Adam*

      We found it so much easier the second time!

      For the first kid (ours are 2.5 years apart), the biggest things we did were telling him what to expect/explaining what was happening and giving him jobs to do. He was a lot happier if he needed to go fetch a nappy or just pat the baby or whatever else we could come up with that made him feel involved.

      But also just everything was easier. First, because you have some idea of what’s happening, so when the baby won’t sleep or won’t eat you know that that happens sometimes and you aren’t a horrible parent. But also having the older kid around forces you to do a bunch of stuff, which helps pass all those hours where you have to hold the baby but the baby can’t do anything so you’re just sort of staring off into space feeling sorry for yourself. Instead, a bunch of that time was getting the older kid ready for nursery or feeding him dinner or putting him to bed, which gave structure to the day.

    5. learnedthehardway*

      I found it much easier the second time around – for one thing, I knew that the hormone cascade was coming and could brace for it. Being overwhelmed with emotions as you are bonding with your baby is a roller coaster experience.

      Seconding the idea of getting a house cleaner for the first year or longer. I have had one for years, and it is probably the single most important thing for my mental health, and it allows me to enjoy my non-work life rather than feeling resentful and stressed.

      I think the thing that worked most for easing the transition for our older child was that he was very busy – he started kindergarten that month, and he was pretty exhausted from that when he came home in the afternoons. He wasn’t interested in the baby, but did want to be the centre of attention, so we did what we could to provide attention. If we couldn’t, we made sure he had toys and activities (even computer games) that were absorbing.

    6. I own one tenacious plant*

      I don’t have kids but we are not in a pandemic! And you now have access to your village that might include someone like me who would be so excited to hold the baby, or play with the older kid while you sat down for five min or I’ll wash the dishes while you read to toddler. It’s going to be very different but good different.

    7. FromasmalltowninCanada*

      My first was very challenging – not during the pandemic but I was put on home rest, traumatic first couple of weeks post birth, readmittance to the hospital (baby) in the first couple of weeks, etc. you get the idea. I had postpartum depression without the diagnosis and white knuckled everything.

      I was terrified the second time before the twins arrived, but it was so much better the second time (even with twins and a C-section). In my case my oldest was also 4 – I spent lots of one of one time leading up to the birth with the oldest. My partner took 4 weeks off (know that may not be feasible – it was parental leave for him), then we had family come in once or twice a week overnight for several weeks and then hired in part time help. Often I went and slept when we had help. For me, sleep was crucial to avoiding PPD again.

      If you can afford to hire a cleaner – it’s worth it, but if I had to choose I would choose help so I could sleep. We did not hire a night nanny – couldn’t afford it but I got daytime help that allowed me to nap.

      I second the people saying that you worry less about the basics – you generally know how to keep a baby alive and it’s not so new and overwhelming. I froze a bunch of meals ahead of time and had family bring some food as well in the first couple of weeks.

    8. Local garbage committee*

      Just had our second in March, first was a pandemic baby, here’s what helped us: meal train, having friends and family come over to give big sis attention, screen time, giving big sis jobs to help with baby if she wanted (like picking out outfits). Definitely easier than the transition to one, in part because labor went easier and we knew what to expect and that those messy newborn days are a relatively short period of time. Hopefully your partner will be in a better place to help out this time but if not call in your family and friends. People do really want to help!

    9. EA*

      My first was almost 3 when my second was born and it’s been wonderful. I kept her routine pretty much the same, and she went back to school a few days after he was born. Having special time one on one time with her, even just 15 mins, helped a lot. But honestly she loved the baby and just wished he were more interesting at first! Now they play together all day though.

      My husband sounds like yours and having an open conversation about expectations postpartum may help. Having Papa do more with the older one worked for us sometimes.

    10. Coffee*

      I just had our second back in March. it was easier in the sense that my life didn’t turn upside down overnight and we had more what we were doing.
      I would definitely actively talk now about how you were going to handle certain challenges particularly those around Mental Health. for example I asked my husband the specifically look out for a certain things because I am the one that deals with depression. we also made a proactive game plan for if this baby didn’t nurse well because I wasn’t going to kill myself pumping ( he ended up taking to nursing immediately with none of the issues of my first).
      plenty of prepared meals
      kept #1 in daycare even though it meant more germs but it was good for him to have the structure and have him out of the house
      we hadn’t done much TV but we started allowing some after number two was born
      making sure number one always has one-on-one time with both mommy and daddy everyday

      1. Coffee*

        sorry for the typos. using text to speech while holding the baby. things that also helped with my older one was giving him little things he could do to be helpful and he loves taking care of his baby doll when we take care of the baby.

    11. Observer*

      -What kind of help did you find helpful? e.g. night nanny, meal service, cleaners?

      You’ve gotten some excellent advice.

      Some things, from my experience and what I’ve seen.

      Anything that helps with the logistics / pragmatics of keeping the house in reasonable order and everyone fed, clothed and clean is helpful. What that looks like depends on your particular situation. For some people having someone come in once a week to take care of Bathroom / kitchen stuff is a huge help, especially once they know what you need. For others, having someone to help with the supper / after supper to bedtime routine was a game changer.

      If you are nursing a night nanny is not likely to be all that helpful. Also, unless your husband’s health is a blocker here (which sounds like it could be an issue if he tends towards depression), it’s often easier to keep the baby in your room and have your husband take on some of the night tasks.

      The others are right that the more you can keep Kiddo’s routine as similar as possible, the easier the transition is going to be. Also, if there are any changes you are going to be making in proximity to the baby’s birth, do yourself a favor and make those changes now if at all possible. It’s going to be a *lot* easier.

      And, yes, I agree with all the others that, barring unexpected problems, it’s likely to be a lot easier because you’re familiar with a lot of the mechanics. It’s really different to think “Wow, I forgot how *tiny* newborns are!” from “OMG, she SOO small. How to not not break her!” On the other hand, each newborn and baby is different. So don’t be shocked if this one cries more – or is less interested in being help that Kiddo was.

      Lastly, do look into baby wearing. When it works it can be an absolute life saver, especially with a “high touch” baby (aka a baby that needs to be held all the time.)

      Congratulations!

    12. Any day now*

      Ask me in about a month, I’m due soon! Thus, I don’t have any advice yet. But I wanted to thank you for asking this, I am reading every comment and taking notes…

    13. Double A*

      You’re getting lots of good advice! I do think the baby part of my second was easier, for two reasons. 1) With our first, my husband and I felt we needed to keep sleeping together, which meant the baby was in the bassinet next to us and we were both disrupted. With number two, we just immediately slept separately and it was better. 2) I read somewhere with my first to “get those nights and days sorted out as soon as possible,” so really emphasizing the baby’s wake time at day and keeping it sleepy at night. I don’t know it it was me or the baby, but my second got into a better sleep pattern more quickly.

    14. Nee: email advice*

      I swear if I have a second kid I’m going to exclusively formula feed. I bf until 14 months with my first. But I dream about how much more freedom I could have had—no pumping! No biting! More equity in feeding!

      1. allathian*

        It’s possible to do both. My son was born underweight which meant that he wasn’t allowed to lose any of his birth weight. He got donated breastmilk at the hospital in addition to me breastfeeding him. When we got home, he got formula as well, until he weaned himself off me at about 3.5 months. We used the Avent bottles that are supposed to be more similar to breastfeeding than other bottles, but it didn’t help.

        I woke up from every little sound when he was tiny, to the point that I slept in one room and my husband and the baby slept in another. My husband can fall asleep within 5 minutes of his head hitting the pillow, so we kept that up even after he returned to work and I was on maternity leave. Our son started sleeping through the night most nights when he was about 6 months old. Solid food helped.

        Even if my son hadn’t weaned himself, there’s absolutely no way I would’ve continued to breastfeed once he had teeth in his mouth. Total nope on that!

        1. Seashell*

          I breastfed both of my kids past the point where they had teeth, and it wasn’t really a major issue. If they bit, that was the end of that nursing session, but it didn’t happen that much.

          That said, I agree that it’s possible do both, as both of my kids had it. Lots of people have a one-or-the-other mindset about it, but a combination can work well too. I did have the issue of one kid rejecting the bottle after not being given one in a long time, but it worked itself out. Said baby is now taller than me, so we all survived. :-)

    15. epicdemiologist*

      My first 2 (of 3) were 5 years apart, and the baby was the audience that the eldest had been waiting for, all those years! (Eldest is now a professional actor.) When a baby thinks something is funny, nobody but a young child has the patience and dedication to do the funny thing as many times as the baby wants. Take shameless advantage of this!

    16. Evan88*

      I have 5 kids: It’s way easier the second time because you know what to do this time around. Husband needs to gear up because newborns and 4 year olds don’t care if you’re depressed.

      Find a jack of all trades housekeeper. Someone who will pick the crap up off the floor, pick up the older kid from daycare, cook dinner, do laundry, someone flexible who can see what needs doing and do it. Pay her very very well. Going rate for my area is $13 an hour. I paid $22 with vacation and sick leave.

      And give yourself permission to ditch breastfeeding if it’s not working or you don’t want to try again. Formula is awesome these days.

    17. Gift lover*

      All babies are different. We had a pretty easy time with my first, but my second was a tough baby (sigh, she’s 10 and still tough). If she’d been my first I would have had a breakdown.

      But…my 3rd was like my first but we were experienced so it was a total cake walk.

  8. BellaStella*

    I am in Europe so am not celebrating today but am inspired later today to buy some turkey meat and potatoes and carrots.

    I have a work question too on which I would appreciate some advice.

    I have obtained four new professional certifications this year. I have asked HR where these can go in the system for my file, but I would like help framing explaining this in my end of year review. Because we do not get any external training at all I wanted to do these things also to keep up skills and to add to my CV for when I start looking.

    Here is what I am thinking of noting in my review broadly:
    1. These all relate to my job and developing my skills to be a better Project Manager – and I am applying the things I have learned in my work. One is a PM certification, two are languages, one is a technical cert related to the org I work for, a standard.
    2. They were all at my expense and mostly all on my own time and about 800 euro out of pocket
    3. My development has been in an effort to improve my value to work but am unsure how to say this – not sure I can quantify cost savings but maybe improved efficiency and communications overall? I have been able to develop some work deliverables better but not sure I can measure this now, maybe in a year.

    Also I have achieved all of my goals and metrics this year too plus some above and beyond stuff. However, because of some crap with a missing stair and his enabling protective boss there are a lot of difficulties this year and HR has been involved with three of us to guide us in dealing with this crap but HR have not dealt with the problem missing stair etc.

    I want to show I am engaged and worth investing in but also there are a lot of things happening that make me feel like fighting for myself is going to go nowhere.

    Any help appreciated.

    1. anonymous anteater*

      I would probably focus on exceeding your goals. That is the main thing from the business perspective. If one or two of the certifications helped to improve your performance, you can weave that in. Or if it directly relates to something that you could do next, you could mention the new task as a development goal, and include that you already have a relevant certification.
      If you can’t draw a direct connection with current or upcoming work, I would not necessarily put it in. It’s good for YOUR CV of course, but that’s not 100% identical with what matters to the business.

      1. BellaStella*

        Thanks, this is a good point to eave it in on current work and on development goals for next year – in current work it has helped a bit, but I can see that this is a thing to note overall, but not a thing to highlight.

    2. OutsideActivites*

      I would be cautious about integrating them into work performance reviews if they were not approved or paid for by your job. That would not be considered work related in any performance review I’ve been part of and it would be considered weird to try to make it relevant to your job performance even if you learned things relevant to your job.

      That said, if you think it would be taken more positively in yourcompany, who am I to tell you otherwise. But I would focus very specifically on concrete things you learned and how you are actively applying them to yield measurable improvement to your performance- with as much data you can find to support this as possible.

      1. BellaStella*

        Thank you for this. I do not think it will be weird, may folks in my org do this but I will think about how they add to skills to increase performance, a good point.

      2. Spreadsheet Queen*

        I always include professional development on my accomplishments in my year-end reviews, whether or not my employer paid for it directly. They do pay for my membership in my professional association, if I remember to submit the expense. My membership gets me access to some free training and discounts on other training (which makes some of it cheap enough that I don’t get around to submitting the expense.)
        Being engaged in your field and keeping your knowledge and skills up to do date should be looked upon favorably, whether or not you have a metric that says that ties to a dollar figure. (Lots of things do not “save” money or increase efficiency, but if you don’t know/apply them, they will COST you plenty – for example, failure to following changing regulations). But of course, if you CAN say that x thing(s) you learned were applied to implement or improve _____, you would do that.

    3. Cacofonix*

      Coming from someone with these credentials and more at my cost over the years, you can tie what you’ve learned seeing as you’ve applied it in your job. Get specific in your examples relating them to your training and talk about the payoff you’ve seen so far and how you will be measuring it. Example, you’ve learned about risk. Since my training and certification, I’ve applied more rigorous risk management processes in my project which affects how we make decisions.

      TDLR for the rest. For example, the management decision to eliminate a procedure in X process because it was unnecessary would have had a downstream impact to the AB department had we not evaluated the risk. As I led my team through the risk process, we determined we should verify that the specific data gathered in procedure X was also unnecessary. We found that Department AB absolutely required a few points. We found a way to gather what they needed in another step and avoided the painstaking work it would have been to gather it after we implemented the change, which they say could have cost them a half hour per file until we implemented a fix, not to mention the analysis, technical work and retraining. Additionally, due to the benefits realization training I took, I have this plan to measure the efficiency of this process which will show the value our department has brought to the org. You get the picture… how has what you’ve done made them look good.

      I’ll only say that HR referencing your creds is administrative at best. Missing stairs are for leadership to manage or not.

    4. Gift lover*

      Agree with the others- I don’t care if you got 10 certifications or if you only worked a 10 hour week by the pool if you exceeded your goals ;).

  9. Panic! At the Work Holiday Party*

    Hi friends! I’m doing an internship and have received an invite to our holiday party. The invitation included a place to indicate if you were bringing a plus one. I asked my manager if it would be okay to bring someone, and she said it would be alright if I did so I checked the box. I’m a little paranoid that no one else will have a plus one (it’s on a Thursday afternoon) and I will be subject to a lot of scrutiny, but I also wanted to bring someone else because I am so! Awkward! At! Parties!

    I’m not really dating anyone right now, which my manager knows. Because of that, I’d like to bring my best friend. Is that acceptable? If it matters, I’m an openly queer woman in my early twenties and my best friend is a straight woman of the same age. (There are other openly queer people in the office, but most people are a bit older than me.)

    1. ecnaseener*

      Re paranoia, you could ask around and see if other people are bringing plus-ones.

      Bringing a platonic friend is definitely acceptable, but not necessarily common, so if it sounds like the only other plus-one’s will be dates, you could ask someone whether it’s only ever been romantic partners in the past.

      Basically, you absolutely *can* bring her, but if you’re weighing the pros and cons, then gather more information before you decide.

    2. ReallyBadPerson*

      It is absolutely fine for your plus one to just be a friend! At my daughter’s wedding, several of her friends brought platonic plus ones. One friend of my mother’s brought her son. Don’t overthink this, just bring a person you’d enjoy talking to.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Key is that the friend (or relative) plus one will make things easier for you by holding up their end of socializing, e.g. making conversation with a range of people.

        1. Another Janet*

          Ding ding ding! Bring your bestie if she’ll help you socialize in a quasi-professional space. And like others have said, you can definitely ask more junior or peer level colleagues if they’re bringing anyone to get a sense of the vibes. (Weekday afternoon is the only thing that makes me think folks might be flying solo.)

    3. londonedit*

      I’d ask around, just to make sure, but I think it’d be absolutely fine to bring a friend if other people are bringing a +1. You could even bring it up when you ask people – ‘Hey, do people generally tend to bring guests to the party? I’d like to invite my friend Sally along, she’s great fun, but I wanted to make sure other people would be bringing a guest too!’

    4. aspirational yogurt*

      I’m the platonic +1 for my friend’s work parties
      It’snever been awkward for either of us or the coworkers. Key, I think, is that I talk to everyone at the table “I’m here with Julie, we used to with together years ago.”, “Julie works in X department”. Basically give some context so the other person has something to build on conversationally.
      At this point, she’s worked at the same place for several years and a few people recognize me. lol

    5. Lady Danbury*

      At a previous job, my plus one was always the same friend, to the extent that my coworkers would look forward to hanging out with her. She and I are both lawyers, as were most of the coworkers I worked most closely with, so that created an automatic commonality. She could also be relied upon to be fun but still office party appropriate, which is important!

    6. Panic! At the Work Holiday Party*

      Thank you so so much to everyone who responded with their stories about platonic plus ones! I feel way better about it now :) I’m going to ask my coworkers when I get back into the office (I don’t work every day) if they’re bringing anyone and see what they say. My bestie is wayyy better at social stuff than I am so I think she’s a good fit to bring as my date to an office function :D

      1. Numbersmouse*

        A bit belated but I’ll add that it’s not at all weird to be the only one with a plus one if you’re the newest addition to the team! Everyone else has gotten comfortable with their co-workers, and chances are their spouses/besties/go-to plus ones have done several of these parties before and are less excited or even needed.

  10. My Brain is Exploding*

    Let’s all chime in here for words of gratitude for Alison. What have you learned from her/this site? What are you thankful for here at AAM? I’ll start: thank you, Alison, for sharing your journey with your mom’s health. It was powerful and thoughtful; I’m so sorry for your loss and know that each “first” holiday will be difficult. I’m thankful when I read your kindness to letter writers and the kindnesses of internet strangers to one another. I’m thankful for what I’m learning here – as a person whose young adult children are in entirely different fields (I’m an ancillary health care provider) and in an entirely different time than when I was job-hunting, your posts help bring me into what’s going on in their world and give us interesting topics for discussion.

    1. The OG Sleepless*

      The first time she kindly told someone who was extremely anxious about making their boss angry and screwing up at work that it might be a pattern held over from childhood, it was like the universe just stopped for a minute. Giant record scratch in my head. It started a fundamental change in how I viewed myself and understanding some issues I’ve had my entire working life. I can’t adequately express how grateful I am for that.

    2. Flower*

      OMG, yes! Alison is a light. She manages to provide practical help with a heaping side of compassion and understanding for humans that always inspires me.

      3. Middle Aged Lady*

        Absolutely this! Also for making it clear what’s legal in the US for employers to do, sometimes commiserating with the writer that the employers’s actions might not be moral, but legal, and sometimes advising that the employer is doing something illegal. It takes a lot of work to keep up with employment law.

    4. Lady Danbury*

      Thank you Alison for being my go to for all things work related! I also refer friends/family to you all the time because your advice is knowledgeable, practical and applies across jurisdictions/industries/jobs.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      The general approach to life and conflict here is so helpful even outside of a work context. I haven’t necessarily needed much of Alison’s advice for my job but I think I am better at articulating problems in general (even just in my head) as a result of reading here.

      The biggest work impact for me has been the idea of what will or won’t change and the idea of what’s reasonable for an employer to expect. Teaching is very heavy on emotional labor, there’s a lot of pressure to “do it for the chiiiiildren”, and most of us really do care and want to excel. I’ve gotten much better at protecting my time and being firm with my boundaries at work because of AAM, to the point I’ve actually had coworkers comment that I have a strong work/life balance.

      Alison is also so good at knowing when to be funny vs blunt vs comforting which always makes the site so satisfying and enjoyable to read. Also a huge fan of the seasonal cat photos.

      1. My Brain is Exploding*

        Oh, yes! The wording on how to explain things (latest example was about how secular Christmas is still Christian Christmas) is useful far beyond the workplace.

    6. Observer*

      There is a lot to say thanks for here, but one thing that strikes me is Alison’s willingness to grow and change her stance. It’s really refreshing.

      Also, thank you for all you do to keep the toxicity down in the comments. I may not always agree with every call, and there are some interesting glitches, but its *well* worth it as this is one of the least toxic discussion areas I’ve been in on line. And I also know that it’s a LOT of work.

      1. I didn't say banana*

        yes, I’m thankful Alison is a role model in the internet for how to gracefully change your opinion when presented with new facts

    7. Pocket Mouse*

      I’m so grateful that through thoughtful, empathetic responses to letter writers and comment moderation, Alison has cultivated an internet space and community that is, by and large, kind to each other and interested in learning from each other. Cheers to AAM!

    9. Josame*

      I always appreciate Alison’s advice and her views. I appreciate that she’s sensible and fair. I like how she suggests scripts for people struggling to find words. I’ve learned so much from her replies and her stories of her life. I also love the kitty pictures and stories!

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      Alison, there is so much to thank you for. Ditto to what everyone else has said. I’m adding how much I appreciate the Friday open threads. You have created such a wise and open community. For example, I had a particularly difficult work situation when I genuinely had no one else to ask, confidential and potentially recognizable. With a different user name, I was able to hear from people who had endured the same challenge and their advice was invaluable for getting through it.

      I appreciate that you’ve created a welcoming space that is consistently kind, whether it’s work-related or the weekend open threads. And in the deluge of email you get daily, you still find time to respond to individuals privately.

    11. Irish Teacher.*

      I’m grateful for the community here and the way she strives to make it a place where people discuss topics reasonably pleasantly. I also really appreciate how nicely she corrects people who break the rules (people who aren’t trolls or bigots and who’ve just made a mistake, I mean).

    12. ecnaseener*

      Thank you Alison for the gems of wisdom that apply to all areas of life! Some of my favorites are “X sucks and isn’t going to change, so just decide whether it’s worth sticking around;” “yes this is bizarre behavior from this person, but you don’t actually need to figure out why they’re doing it, focus on the impact;” and “if you act like it’s a non-issue, people will usually follow your lead.”

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And “LEAVE” being the advice when people describe horrible, horrible toxic swamps of workplaces. I’ve seen so many advice columns that tell the writer how to rearrange deck chairs; it is insanely refreshing to have a professional, articulate person say “What the double fried fuck? Get out of there!”

    13. Elizabeth West*

      I would like to thank you, Alison, for giving me a contract job when I was frustratingly, endlessly unemployed. It made my gap look less crazy long and the subsequent reference helped me get the job that finally allowed me to move, a huge change I really needed to make.

      And all the advice you dispense here for free, when everything valuable or useful these days is behind a paywall. Not to mention the well-moderated and (mostly) respectful commentariat — I say mostly because every site has tr*lls in the dungeon now and then, but you stay on top of it. It’s a ton of work and we are all so grateful to you.

      Finally, thank you for sharing your nine children with us. =^.^=

      1. Tinamedte*

        Sorry for your loss. Your comments on here are always good, and I always enjoy reading them, so thanks for regularly sharing your thoughts and tips with the community.

    15. fhqwhgads*

      Literally changed my life. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and thus never thought to google, but Alison is the reason I learned there was an exempt minimum wage and duties test and found out I’d been illegally underpaid by tens of thousands of dollars for three years.
      And then I got the heck outta there.

    16. Peanut Person*

      I think Alison does an excellent job of providing balanced answers. I think many people are quick to hate employers, and then you get in weird cycle of “is HR for me, or for the company?” But Alison’s answers are carefully considered for each party, plus with special attention to federal laws and a company’s norms. This is refreshing to see and really helpful.

    17. Bibliovore*

      Yes. Literally changed my life.
      My work life- when I was in an untenable situation and could NOT see a way out, the kindness and clarity of the response made change possible.
      I am a better manager- I see what I have done in the past that was NOT good. And can pat myself on the back for what I do do that is “best practice” and can honestly say I am an excellent supervisor.
      Week end community- when my husband died, I felt I had no where to turn where I could be honest about how I felt and my family situation.
      The sane voices of those who had gone there before me got me through the worst time in my life.
      Book recommendations- I read for work and got out of the the reading for pleasure. I have started reading again and it is because of Alison’s and the commentariat’s readers advisory.
      The kindness and generosity of this community is unparalleled. Thank you to Alison and everyone who takes the time to post a recipe, travel advice, scripts for better communication and of course work stuff.

    18. Hatchet*

      Thank you Alison for proving such great advice to myself and others. I’m always learning from you, whether it’s how to keep myself from getting overloaded at work (“Boss, if you need me to pick up A, I need to be able to drop something – do you want it to be X, Y, or Z?”), or how to better navigate tricky situations. I’ve also learned so much about being a better co-worker, and what’s reasonable/isn’t reasonable in a solid workplace. I love that you’ve created such a caring and supportive space here, as I’m sure it isn’t easy. As much as I enjoy reading the daily posts, I also look forward to the Open Threads and feel that I learn so much from the kind and supportive commentariat!

    19. Tokumei*

      So grateful for all that Alison does here! I feel incredibly fortunate to have found AAM early in my career, allowing me to craft effective resumes and cover letters from my first big job search after college. I am absolutely positive (and have gotten feedback to back up this assertion!) that these documents have gotten me as far as I’ve gotten in my career.

      I also really appreciate how Alison highlights the various perspectives in any particular workplace issue and encourages empathy and clear communication. For example, outlining how long hiring takes and that hiring managers are probably not blowing you off when they don’t reply within the timeline they gave you, or offering hypotheses about why bosses or coworkers may have said the things they said. I feel like being really intentional about thinking about what the other person might be experiencing before reactively taking action based on our own perspectives and assumptions is such an important skill both in work and in life, and this blog really helps readers develop that skill.

      Thank you and happy Thanksgiving, Alison!

    20. Numbat*

      I’m grateful for Alison’s authentic voice, commitment to justice and kindness. She does a great job centring voices that aren’t hers when necessary, and clearly articulating when something is wrong and needs to change. I get a real kick out of saying something that I think Alison could have written.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        Yes, the centring of other people’s voices when it’s about them and not speaking over minorities or people whose experiences differ from hers is awesome. As is her ability to say “I DON’T know enough about this so I’ve taken advice and/or would like to hear from commentators who have experience of this issue.”

    21. Part time lab tech*

      Thank you to Alison for moderating this comment section (and to the commentators as well). I enjoy reading different opinions without degenerating into “you are evil because you and I disagree and I am going to insult you.”

    22. allathian*

      I’m an advice column junkie, but AAM is the only place I comment at these days.

      I’ve certainly learned to recognize and appreciate my privilege as an EU citizen in things like work/life balance, long vacations, basically unlimited sick leave, long parental leave, and single-provider healthcare.

      I also appreciate the diverse voices that AAM gives a chance to be heard. The only way to unlearn one’s own biases is to learn to recognize they exist, and reading this blog has certainly helped me there. I’m one of those who used to think that of course it’s possible to celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday if you eliminate the explicitly Christian elements, but I learned differently here. People raised in and/or practicing another religion generally won’t see any variation of Christmas celebrations as secular.

    23. Tinamedte*

      I am constantly in awe of Alison’s ability to provide clear and sane advice.

      She obviously has her head screwed on straight, and her heart in the right place, and also a god given attention to detail while never losing sight of the big picture. What she writes all just makes so much sense, all the time!

      Her compassion and generosity is uplifting and inspiring, too, of course, and it shows in the comments. (Thank you all for being a great community! <3) A safe space for minorities is a great thing.

      One of the many, many things I have learned here is to see and name The Pattern. It helps so much when trying to decide "is this actually a problem or am I just being oversensitive/stingy etc?". If there's a pattern, it's easier to address, and also to talk about without getting personal.

      I am in the process right now of giving some feedback to my supervisors about a well meaning but low achieving coworker who creates quite a lot of frustration, and naming the pattern and the effects have been so helpful. I know things are happening behind the scenes that I am not privy to, and am hopeful that there will be some changes soon.

      Thanks Alison for the immeasurably good things you do for us! I hope that you enjoy it as much as we do. Take care.

    24. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      I’m thankful for Alison because:

      The way she runs this site means I can be challenged for my stances without being insulted for them. This means I’ve changed my mind on quite a few things since I started posting here.

      How she’s honest and upfront when she’s wrong.

      The heartrending tale of her mother which has provided a framework for some recent decisions of mine.

      Being intolerant toward bigotry despite having a team of ONE person moderating a forum!

      And I don’t quite know how to put this in words but: balancing empathy with realism.

    25. DJ Abbott*

      I’m grateful for this community like no other. Always intelligent, supportive, and interesting discussions about any topic that can be named. I’ve never had enough community and connection in real life, and being able to look at AAM first thing in the morning is a wonderful way to start my day. :)
      Alison, I’m thinking of you during the holidays and hope you can get some comfort from them.

    26. Thankful*

      Thank you very much, Alison, for: offering specific advice on how to have boundaries while being collegial; columns that connect the day-to-day to the big picture (I often return to the “awesome smart-a**” and how to know you’re doing well at your job columns); providing numerous columns each day that are a welcome break from political news; for the guest columns that show how to implement DEI beyond lip service; for the advice on adhd and lateness, respectively; for understanding that for some with certain health conditions, coworkers coming to work sick is a problem. You rock and we’re fortunate you work so hard, in giving advice and promoting community.

    27. the Viking Diva*

      I value Alison’s consistency of principles for managing, clear prioritization of human relationships and individual dignity, and sharp nose for sexist, racist, homophobic, and otherwise non-inclusive behaviors. I appreciate her willingness to tell people stuff they don’t want to hear, to change her mind when she learns, and to shut down shenanigans in the comments. I have used the advice here myself and sent other people to the site as a resource.

      I also appreciate the commenters who offer alternative perspectives, and all the book suggestions I’ve picked up on the weekend threads. Thank you, Alison and all, for helping to create one spot on the internet that is still (remarkably) sane and helpful.

    28. Subtle Tuba*

      Adding my voice to the chorus: Thank you so much, Alison (and commentariat)!

      I have been reading here since I was thrown into a temporary people-management role in 2014, and I have learned *so much* from Alison’s broad understanding of the work world, compassion, and straightforward common sense. I’m in academia, and I have been able to apply things I’ve learned from this site to: advising students as they start to apply for jobs (including recommending this site, ha), developing more robust boundaries (work/life balance, interacting with colleagues, expectations to and from students), and things like regulations concerning FMLA leaves that I might not have understood otherwise.

      I love the weekend threads, too, and all the questions and advice that everyone shares!

  11. Student*

    Do any of your college/university campuses get the entire week off for Thanksgiving? Our campus is closed today and tomorrow, but most of my classes are business as usual. I’m staying home and doing homework today because otherwise I won’t be ready to start the new material when it opens this weekend.

    1. Zelda*

      In my experience, Thanksgiving is never much of a break for college students. It’s too close to finals to allow for proper time off.
      I’m a university librarian. We’re closed today, but open normal hours tomorrow and over the weekend. I expect it’ll be quiet, but we’ll still have people in there working and studying.

    2. Calendar decisions, yeesh!*

      I work in higher ed, and this very much depends upon the kind of college/university. IF it is a school that has the whole week off, then it is almost certainly a smaller, private college where the students are going to leave the Friday before anyway and blow off the Monday & Tuesday classes. Almost all colleges now have Wednesday (for travel) and Thursday and Friday off. And any services are generally extremely restricted from Wednesday to Sunday, especially if they are staffed by students (library, athletic complexes,…). If it is a larger/urban school and/or draws its student body locally, then the decisions would be different. I’m not familiar with ANY school that would resume completely regular operations over the post-Thanksgiving weekend.

      Side note: academic calendars are set years in advance and are aimed at satisfying the accreditation needs of hours-in-class vs. the realities of local calendar conflicts (e.g. when are the public school breaks that mean that staff will take time off? What are the religious holidays that the local community will celebrate?). It’s always a balancing game and fairly opaque to outsiders. Also, there’s a lot of “we’ve always done it this way”.

      1. Student*

        Thanks for that note. When I was growing up, we only had Thursday and Friday off in public school (I graduated 25 years ago), but I felt like the shift was towards getting the entire week. I guess I was surprised that wasn’t extended past K-12.

    3. CollegeBreaks*

      I’ve never seen anyplace that gives more than Thursday/Friday. That includes places I’ve gone to school, places I’ve worked at, and places family have worked at. This spans a fairly large number of schools centered in the Northeast but also in the Midwest and Southwest.

    4. Charlotte Lucas*

      Not sure what they do now, as I live in a completely different part of the country, but Washington State University gave a full week off when I went there in the 90s. In the other hand, winter break was only 3 weeks (it’s 4 at most universities).

      1. NormsAndExpectations*

        Wow. I got between 2-2.5 weeks depending on what day of the week Christmas/New Year’s fell on. We broke sometime around Dec 16-18 and resumed on Jan 2, or the subsequent Mondsy if Jan 2 fell on a weekend. I’ve seen a few school go three weeks but never 4.

        1. Dear Liza dear liza*

          This seems to depend if you’re on quarters or semesters. Most semester universities and colleges end a week or so before Christmas and start up the week of Martin Luther King Jr Day. (US, here.)

          It’s not uncommon for colleges to squeeze in a “mini-mester” during winter break for less traditional experiences, like studying away or doing an internship.

    5. Pam Adams*

      My California public university takes Thursday and Friday, but we repurposed another holiday for the Friday day off.

    6. Lynn*

      My former employer had a contract with a major university located in the city where I live

      I worked at the university as a contract visitor parking attendant

      The university was closed on Thanksgiving and the day after, but my employer only paid their employees for Thanksgiving day

      So, I had to use a vacation day for the day after Thanksgiving to get paid for that day

      The same for the university’s winter break

      I had to use vacation time to be paid when the university was closed for their winter break

      The only holidays my employer paid their employees for were Christmas and New Year’s Day

    7. Rara Avis*

      I went to a small private 100% residential college, so it did close down for the whole week. I don’t think the dining halls stayed open. Students who lived too far away or couldn’t afford a trip home usually got invited to a friend’s house. I took a roommate home one year, a boyfriend another year, and a whole group of us went to a friend another year.

    8. Person from the Resume*

      Not university. But when I was an elementary and high school student in Louisiana in the 1980s and 90s, we got off all of thanksgiving week. I’d heard that the teachers Union used to have their convention (???) on the Monday and Tuesday of that week so the schools just closed for the whole week.

      I don’t know if that’s entirely the truth and I’m sure it’s changed in the years since I was a child.

    9. Dancing Otter*

      My first undergrad school was on a trimester calendar. First term finals were Monday through Wednesday of Thanksgiving week, then students were off until New Year’s.
      It made travel a grade-A mess, because the train schedule left a lot of us stuck until the actual day of Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, the cafeteria and dorm services closed after lunch Wednesday, while exams were still going on.
      My later universities were on normal semesters, with just a long weekend for Thanksgiving. Some parents came to visit (book that hotel early, folks!), but only people who lived relatively nearby went home. The cafeteria folks at least attempted a festive meal for us.

    10. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

      The college I first attended still held classes on Monday and Tuesday, but there were a large number of absences. One year, my late Tuesday afternoon instructor simply had us all sign a sheet of paper as we came in, immediately awarded extra credit to all of us who actually showed up, and then told us to start our break early, so about an hour less of my drive was after dark.

      When I worked in higher education, faculty and students technically had the entire week off (I definitely still worked on papers during that week when I was as student, though), but student services like advising and the library were open with limited hours Monday-Wednesday.

  12. Turquoise*

    A friend has gotten to the references stage after interviewing for a position and they are being very specific about who she must give: her supervisor from two past jobs (they picked which ones from her resume) and her current manager. One of the reasons she left this past job is because her supervisor was extremely difficult to get a hold of, so she offered a coworker she worked closely with and to connect them to HR to confirm dates of employment, but HR won’t budge on this at all. They did say if the two past ones are good they could do a conditional offer, contingent on a good reference from her current job. This is for a government job. Is this the norm now for references or are they being weirdly picky? I’ve always thought candidates had some professional judgement in who they gave as references.

    1. Adam*

      I have never heard of people being that inflexible. What would they do if one of those people isn’t willing to give references? What if they’re dead or moved away? I think if a candidate can’t produce *any* references, that might be concerning, but demanding specific people is super unusual.

    2. Venus*

      Does she have the contact info for that manager? I would provide it and then let them try to contact the manager, and after a few attempts they can understand why your friend provided other options.

      1. RLC*

        I’m thinking same, give the contact info and leave it up to the potential employer. If they get frustrated by inability to contact, it’s their issue to resolve.

    3. Dancing Otter*

      Wait, they’re going to torpedo her current employment by contacting them before making a firm offer? WTF is wrong with those people?

      1. pally*

        Yes exactly!

        That would be enough for me to withdraw from the hiring process altogether.

        If I am not hired, what’s their plan to remedy my now tarnished relationship with my current boss?

    4. A Significant Tree*

      I’m surprised to see this for a government job. My (US Federal) hiring process didn’t involve references at all – I had to list a point of contact for my current and each previous position but could select “Okay to contact but notify me first” and I was never notified. I’ve never heard of a fed job *requiring* a current manager’s reference so it could be highly agency (or HR person) dependent.

      Requiring a reference from a current manager (and only the direct manager) is so problematic. Is there any opportunity for her to contact the hiring manager rather than HR and see if this is in fact an agency rule?

  13. Falling Diphthong*

    Does anyone have any YouTube series recommendations (or other source) that are a good Intro to Specific Craft? I am thinking of sketching or watercolor, but open to all sorts of things.

    1. Jill Swinburne*

      I really like Paul Clark for watercolour. He puts up a new video (mostly) every UK Wednesday. Some of his pieces would be considered intermediate-advanced, but he has a ton of highly beginner-friendly tutorials and talks you through step by step. He has an excellent supportive Facebook group, for all abilities, too. His book is also quite good.

      Don’t be too scared by slightly more advanced content – you’ll find that whatever the art form is you’ll quickly leave the absolute beginner stage. Emily Olson, also watercolour, is amazing, I used to like makoccino but that’s not really my style now, and enjoy Yong Chen for what can be achieved in watercolour (by other people, lol)

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        That’s a good one. My friend watches it with his 4yo and the little guy likes to draw on his chalkboard pretending to be Bob, with a lot of the mannerisms and turns of phrase. It’s as cute as it sounds.

    3. Chaordic One*

      I really like the book, “Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain,” by Betty Edwards.

      Although Betty does not seem to have any videos of her own, if you go to YouTube and type her name into the search engine you’ll see a lot of videos pop up where she is being interviewed by other artists and art instructors who have YouTube Channels of their own.

      You will also see several videos made by other people offering instruction that specifically mention her book as being the source for the techniques being demonstrated.

    4. LBD*

      I enjoy James Gurney’s videos. I like his watercolour style, his instruction is clear and easy to follow, and he is also interesting to listen to.

    5. Patricia*

      I recommend Florian Gadsby’s YouTube channel. He is an English potter. His videos are high production quality with really nice voice over narration, both soothing to watch and highly informative for anyone interested in the ceramics process, from beginner to more advanced practitioner. Even if you’re not into pottery I recommend watching them for the production quality alone! And it’s fun watching someone work who is so skilled at their craft.

    6. Tiny Clay Insects*

      This is weirdly perfect timing. My mother is a professional artist who runs an online art community called the Creative Collective and she’s doing an annual membership on sale thru tomorrow night, where for $108 you get a year’s access to the group (which includes weekly art challenges, an online community, a monthly Zoom chat, and more), along with a ton of guided online lessons, including a Watercolor for Beginners course.

      I feel spammy sharing this cuz it’s my mom, but also, I know she’s incredibly good at this and feel like it’d be really useful. If you google “mary telfer creative collective” you’ll find it.

    7. Jestem*

      I would love to hear if anyone has some reccomendations for a software to use for 3d modelling with the aim of making my own 3d printed models.
      And a video tutorial would be amazing too! :D

    8. epicdemiologist*

      If you’re interested in crochet, Tinna Thorudottir Thorvaldar is delightful, and her videos are very easy to follow. Look for “Beginners Guide to Mosaic Crochet”. (You’ll see the abbreviation “CAL” on several of her other videos–it stands for “crochet-along”, that is, a demo where you are working on the project and following along.)

  14. Anonynon*

    How do I motivate myself to personalize and send out resumes when the either total silence or instant rejection is severely triggering my depression (already not good due to SAD and the darkness of the days living in the northeast of the US)? My current job is a temp job through January, so it’s not like I have a choice about applying. I need another job after this one. But for the past month, I haven’t even been able to look at job descriptions let alone open my resume or work on cover letters.

    Anyone have some motivation tips?

    1. bamcheeks*

      this isn’t guaranteed, but it worked for me when I was in a similar boat: de-personalise and/or gameify it – X applications a week, done according to a formula (open job description, underline key words, change/add to resume or cover letter, click send, log in spreadsheet / tick box in notebook, forget). If there is any rewards you can give yourself for doing each stage, doing each application, and doing X a week (not too many, I would say 3-6 a week AT MOST depending on your field), do that. Even if it’s only buying a Nice Notebook and Coloured Pens to track what you’ve done and colour in boxes, or making your spreadsheet pretty.

      I personally find the most exhausting part of applications is getting invested in each one and trying to imagine what it would be like. The more I could make it a process with steps to tick off rather than something I emotionally invested in, the easier it was. And rewards helped tremendously!

    2. ResumeEtiquette*

      Honestly, I wouldn’t personalize resumes – resumes stay in company databases and are used to contact people about future openings. Further, if you end up applying for two different jobs at the company and the resumes are substantially different it often raises a red flag. I know at several companies I’ve worked at it could take you out of the running.

      If you apply for two or three entirely different categories of jobs, I could see having one for each category that focuses on that category but still includes high level info on the others in case a company ends up with more than one, but otherwise I’d use cover letters to highlight specific items for specific companies.

      Good luck!

      1. A little personalization*

        I have a master resume with all responsibilities and will tailor my resume per position. These are not substantially different versions, but I might leave out responsibilities not relevant for the specific job description so the resume is not cluttered.

        1. ResumeEtiquette*

          Obviously do what works for you, but I get calls all the time for positions that don’t fit the job description of the job I originally sent the resume for, so you may be limiting future opportunities. Just something to think about.

    3. Jeneral*

      I’m in a somewhat similar position and the only way I’ve recently been able to get things done is by working on the cover letter for 10 or 15 minutes at a time.

    4. LBD*

      Can you make a game out of it? I heard of a writers group that did a ‘100 rejections’ challenge. The goal was to get 100 rejections from editors or publications that they sent their poems to. Problem was, people kept having to send out more work because they would get something accepted somewhere. So perhaps ‘resume’ challenge?
      Give yourself 5 points for sending a resume and cover letter. Take off a point if you get a form response saying they received it. Take 1 point off for a phone screen. Take off a point if they send a form response saying that they have hired someone else. Take another point if it is personalised. Take off a point for one or more interviews. When you get to a reachable number (15? 20? 25?) give yourself a reward. Choose something good! You are worth it! If you can’t think of something, perhaps someone who cares about you can help you figure something out. Choose your number based on how many job openings there are, and the value of the reward. If you aren’t sure, go with a lower number. You can always start again after achieving your first reward.
      I applaud you; it is tough to job hunt. ‘They’ say treat your job search as a job in itself, but I have never seen job hunting come up in an aptitude test or as a career choice, and I have admiration and empathy for people who are in that boat. Good luck!

  15. Indecisive Career Changer*

    Has anyone gone to WGU (Western Governors University)? How was it and were you able to get a new job or promotion related to what you studied after? Was it taken seriously as a degree? I see people talking about getting their master’s in 6 months, which seems incredible.

    I’m also not sure what I should go back for, if anything. I know I need to do something to kick start my career in a new direction but can’t decide on the direction. What would you choose out of a second bachelor’s in accounting, a general MBA or an MBA in Healthcare Management or IT Management. Or an MS in Healthcare Management (not sure how it’s different from the MBA) or MS in Human Resources? I suppose I’m wondering how the job market would be for someone with one of these degrees and experience in mostly general administrative work. I have a little bit of experience in HR, though that was 20+ years ago.

    There’s another question – I’m pushing 50. How hard is it to change careers at my age?

    1. Student*

      One of the staff I work with in a government agency got her accounting degree there. I had never heard of it before. I’m a career change student in my mid-40s. You generally don’t need a second bachelor’s degree in accounting, even if you want to be CPA eligible, because what counts is the number of units and the coursework, which can generally be done at community college. There is a shortage of accountants generally, a CPA isn’t required for government in my state, there are a lot of job openings, and people seem to move through the ranks quickly, so I feel confident in this as a career path for me. But it really depends on your circumstances and what you want to do.

    2. WGU Alum*

      I have 2 degrees from WGU – an undergrad in business management and a general MBA. People can finish quickly because it’s competency based. The school was originally designed for people that had all the knowledge, but not the piece of paper saying they did. I was not one of those, though, and there is a huge mix of student types these days.

      Before my degrees, I was doing a lot of gig-type work, so I didn’t have a lot of the type of experience people were looking for. After graduating, I got an individual contributor role (which required a degree, though not a Master’s). The role started as an IC with the plan of becoming a team lead. This wasn’t an empty promise sort of situation – there just literally wasn’t a team yet to lead. During my time there, my salary grew 3x, almost 4x. My next role I started out at a Director level.

      No one has ever had anything to say about where I earned my degrees (good or bad). It’s hard to know of the things that occurred which are specifically attributed to my degrees vs other circumstances, but I wouldn’t have landed that first job if I had no degree and it was life-changing for me.

    3. Stuffed Squid*

      Me! Completed my BS in Business Management as a transfer student back in 2017 after flunking out of several (!) traditional universities thanks to undiagnosed ADHD.

      Self-paced and async learning works well for me but it is far from everyone’s cup of tea. The program was affordable and got my resume seen for jobs that had a bachelor’s degree as a hard requirement (side note – it’s incredibly ridiculous to make a degree a requirement for an entry to mid-level admin job, but my industry has always been behind the times in that regard), and I had no trouble gaining acceptance to a master’s program at a traditional university a couple of years later.

      I have a relative with both a bachelor’s and master’s from WGU; while they’ve been with the same company 30+ years, the degrees helped them win promotions.

      1. Stuffed Squid*

        I should add – I transferred in with a handful of credits and immediately tested out of several others. I finished the program in under 6 months while working full time. YMMV depending on how good you are at taking tests.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      WGU is good for “I already know the material but I need the degree” and, in both my (HIM) and my husband’s (business admin) experiences, absolutely useless to actually teach you any new material. I had been working in HIM for 15 years and used that knowledge to get through mine, and I also already had a MBA and basically taught my husband his program.

      1. Stuffed Squid*

        I think it depends on what program you’re in and what your aptitude for self-study is. There’s definitely things I learned in my business mgmt program – when I entered, I only had 4 years of corporate/non-odd job work under my belt, plus a handful of college credits. But it required me to read and understand what was provided by WGU.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          We both consistently found that the tests/assignments and the reading materials didn’t have anything in common with each other. At one point I asked an instructor about a discrepancy and her literal answer was “you already work in this field. Make something up.”

    5. Dancing Otter*

      Not specific to WGU, but accounting in general: go for a master’s rather than a second bachelor’s degree. If you already have a business degree, consider a MS in taxation or another accounting subspecialty, or an MBA /in accounting/. If your undergrad degree was light on accounting credits, the master’s may require more coursework (prerequisites) than otherwise, but it carries significantly more weight than a bachelor’s. Also, a bachelor’s may not provide enough accounting credits to sit the CPA exam (in most states, or maybe all, now). U of Illinois went to a 5-year bachelor’s for accounting, but I don’t think that’s standard.

      @Student is right that not all accounting jobs require the CPA credential, but passing it definitely demonstrates competency. There are other certifications, e.g. in internal audit, but the CPA is most widely known. And nobody’s going to try to make you a glorified bookkeeper or clerk – they won’t want to pay a CPA salary for associate’s degree work.

  16. Favorite festive foods?*

    What’s a favorite holiday/special occasion dish? Welcoming ideas related any holiday or occasion, just looking to get some new ideas! (Recipes welcome if that’s your thing.)

    1. bamcheeks*

      We made a lovely vegetarian wellington last Christmas. The filling was onion, butternut squash, chestnut mushrooms and chestnuts with looooots of thyme. I made a very slightly sweetened gravy to go with it (UK gravy, not US gravy), with caramelised onion, miso, marmite, dark brown sugar and tomato puree. You can find the recipe if you google “georgie eats mushroom wellington”.

      2. sagewhiz*

        Ah, holidays are my excuse to make yeast dumplings and sauerkraut (not at all like the German version) that I learned to make from my Czech babi. Served them today, Thanksgiving, and heard that on Monday my 18-yr-old grandson had started talking about how he couldn’t wait to have his babi’s dumplings. (And his younger sister has learned to make them as well.)

        Family traditions passed down through food are the connective tissue we have to all those who can no longer join us at the table.

      1. Hiding from My Boxx*

        For baking, I always found the best recipes on the ingredient packages, such as the brownie recipes on the chocolate box, spaghetti sauce on the pasta box, cookies on the oatmeal box.

        1. Hiding from My Boss*

          “Hiding from My Boxx” was meant to be “Hiding from My Boss.” It’s a holiday so Typing is off today. :)

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Ooh yes. I use the pumpkin can recipe as well, and add ground cloves and vanilla as well. Yum!

    3. The Sweet One*

      Some family traditions: plum pudding for Christmas and spiced peaches for Thanksgiving (and often Christmas). I will bake a cake or cupcakes for all sorts of reasons. I didn’t do it this year, but I have had great success with mini piecaken for generic fall fun (I just make bite-sized pecan pies and then put them in the middle of pumpkin spice cupcakes… just fill the cups about a quarter of the way with batter, set the mini pie in, and fill the rest of the way, giving the pan a few taps on the counter to get the air bubbles out).

    4. Taters and stuffing*

      My grandma makes stuffing balls, which I can’t imagine the recipe is any different than regular stuffing other than she shapes them into balls and finishes them in the oven so there are some crunchy bits on the outside. I think that’s the magic of them, is that they’re portioned and easily served and each one has some crunchy bits instead of just the top layer of the bowl. I always thought of them as pretty normal but my spouse clocked them as unique and slightly weird but ultimately pretty genius. Thanksgiving is Alice’s Restaurant and stuffing balls for me :D

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        My mom did something similar but added apple and wrapped them in bacon. I now make a vegetarian version using Morningstar Farms veggie bacon, and they are sooooo good.

      1. bamcheeks*

        That’s my family’s bonfire night dish. We’re mostly veggie, so we treat Yorkshires as a main with greens and onion gravy!

    7. RussianInTexas*

      1. Russian Salad Olivier. Only made for special occasions.
      2. Smoked Chile Scalloped Sweet Potatoes by Bobby Flay.
      3. Deviled eggs.

    8. Lady Danbury*

      Love Sally’s Baking Addiction’s gingerbread cookie recipe. I made a double batch with my niblings a few weeks ago and froze most of the dough so that it could be defrosted, rolled out and then baked fresh for Christmas! Of course we had to bake a few cookies for tasters and they were just as delicious as always!

    9. Aphrodite*

      Chicken Bastilla, a Moroccan dish. I love this for Christmas (because I grew up in a household that had the same dinner for Thanksgiving and Christmas). I used the original LA Times recipe but you can use any one. They are all great! So is this dessert salad that suits it well: https://moroccanzest.com/orange-desserts/

    10. Turtle Dove*

      Our family’s holiday favorite for decades is something we call beef rolls. We make a filling of cream cheese, diced onion, and diced green olives. (There may be a dash of Worcestershire sauce in the original recipe, but I skip it.) We put a spoonful of that mixture onto a piece of chipped beef (sold in a package in the deli department near packaged hot dogs; see, for example, Buddig brand beef lunch meat) and fold over the edges. I get so excited about this dish, but then I love green olives. We make a giant platter’s worth!

    11. Rara Avis*

      My husband does most of the cooking, including ravioli in amazing meat sauce, but my favorite is a ginger-pear cranberry sauce I make. His family isn’t big on cranberry sauce, so I make it purely for my own enjoyment.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Ha! I make a cranberry ginger chutney that has a lemon and lime in it. Cooked forever with maple syrup etc. I ADORE that chutney

    12. RagingADHD*

      I don’t make it often because it is a lot of work, but I got a recipe out of Oprah Magazine years ago for pears poached in Merlot and pomegranate juice that is decadent and scrumptious. And the pears turn a beautiful jewel-like color.

      https://pin.it/11v3ahsHX

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      Creamed spinach! My recipe has 3 cheeses alongside the cream and it’s a banger! I only make it for Thanksgiving or Christmas because it’s so rich.

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      I make an old James Beard recipe called “Egyptian Cake.” (I would love to know if it’s actually from Egypt or not. Please weigh in?) 2 oranges simmered in water until soft, then coarsely ground, SIX eggs, beaten until thick, ground almonds, sugar, grand marnier, baking powder. Baked in a springform pan. SO good. Such an interesting texture and not too sweet at all. I could eat it all day long!

      1. Esprit de l'escalier*

        This looks like Orange-Almond Cake from Galicia (torta de Santiago). There are versions online from Claudia Roden (my source when I made it years ago) and other recipe bloggers. It uses almond flour and is gluten-free. I recall that it was delicious but more moist than I liked, so I didn’t try again.

    15. Chaordic One*

      In my family a Christmas Eve tradition (from the German side of the family) is to make and serve “Butterballs,” a chicken noodle soup that features little spicy buttery dough balls called “butter balls” for dinner. Google “German butterball soup.”

    16. Snell*

      It is once again the time of year for me to attempt Tartine’s Sweet Potato Tea Cake with Meringue (retries allowed). I’ve never successfully set the topping, but I love a challenge.

      Elsewise there’s the ever reliable parsnip loaf (savory like a nut roast, but parsnips take the spotlight instead of nuts. There are some nuts, though) and Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s Appleberry pie and/or Cosmos Apple pie (I alternate, but they’re both favorites).

    17. ECHM*

      I make this each year with my mom, for friends. It is delicious. It’s fruitcake but we renamed it fruit bread to distinguish it from the edible doorstop.

      Fruit Bread

      2 eggs
      2 cups water
      2 boxes date or nut bread mix
      2 cups apricots (halved)
      2 cups candied cherries (1 cup each of red and green)
      2 cups pecan halves
      2 cups pitted bite-size prunes
      2 cups pitted dates (halved)

      Grease and flour 3 or 4 8″ x 4″ loaf pans.

      In large bowl, combine eggs and water. Add remaining ingredients; by hand, stir until combined. Pour into loaf pans and bake at 350 degrees for 70-80 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.

      Cool 30 minutes; loosen edges and remove from pan. Cool completely.

      To store, wrap tightly in foil or plastic wrap; store in refrigerator or freezer.

    18. Hatchet*

      Sausage Dressing/Stuffing – I have a basic recipe that I use as a guide. I’ve taken some liberties with it, which are noted in the parentheses, so adjust to your heart’s content. Add extra or leave something out if it doesn’t work for you; it is a very forgiving (and delicious) recipe.
      This is the dish I look forward to every Thanksgiving. Put on some cranberry sauce or gravy; add some leftover turkey to it and it becomes a full meal!
      In theory this could go in one really full 9×11 baking dish, but I used two 9x11s this year and it worked well.

      1.5 loaf day old bread, cubed (I use 1 bag of the Pepperidge Farm seasoned cubed bread)
      1 can of chicken broth (or enough to moisten the bread cubes; you can always add more later if needed)
      1 lb. sausage, cooked and drained (2 tubes sausage, flavored if you prefer – this year I used maple flavored)
      1 medium onion, diced (or 1 cup red onion, plus some onion salt)
      2 cans mushrooms (large or small cans – depends on how much you want them)
      1-2 apples, diced (I love the baked apples, so I put 6 small – medium sized ones, split between the two pans)
      2 stalks celery, diced (I used 6 stalks this year; 3 per pan)
      1/2 tsp sage (or however much your heart tells you)

      Gently mix it all up using a spatula. Use to stuff turkey, or bake each pan at 350 for about 20 – 30 minutes.
      I’ve never made this without the sausage, but I’m sure it would be fine. You could also sub vegetable broth for the chicken broth. Enjoy!

    19. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

      We have started having breakfast food for Christmas brunch / lunch. My favorites are an egg, sausage, potato, and cheese breakfast casserole and Krusteaz gluten free cinnamon swirl crumb cake.

    20. carcinization*

      Southern Living’s Shrimp and Grits Dressing! It looks like the recipe is not available directly on their site anymore, but there are plenty of blogs out there of folks making it if one googles. I don’t like any other type of stuffing or dressing, and it’s actually somewhat easier to make than some preparations of shrimp and grits.

  17. Broccoli Frolic*

    Happy Thanksgiving! Random Q: I’m a psychiatrist (MD). What helps you feel comfortable w a new psychiatrist?

    1. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      Calm professional behaviour and no bright colours or lights in the room! Also, and this may be just me, but not having them try to look me in the eye or be sat at a higher level than me.

      The best psychiatrist I’ve had (and still have) opened up our first session by assuring me that whatever I said it wasn’t going to land me in involuntary confinement. Which is a very real fear.

    2. David Rose*

      honestly just listening, not being dismissive, and being willing to *try* medicinal intervention even when it seems like someone “should just” be able to change their behavior, you know? Like believe someone if they say “I’ve tried to change and nothing has stuck”? Had some bad experiences with a recent psych, hope this is helpful

      1. Deck cat*

        Yes to this. I definitely understand that I’m not the doctor and I’m going to you for your expertise and advice, especially as far as medication. But if I’m at the point of seeing you, I’m already at the point of my life being such a mess that something HAS to be done professionally and that very well may be psych meds. And me being me, yes I have already looked up stuff online—not “Dr Google” but PubMed articles, NIH research, etc. Plus the fact that I’ve lived with this brain of mine all my life and am very well aware of its pitfalls as far as mental health.

        So if I’m asking you about say, ADHD medication (AND I already have an ADHD diagnosis from a psychologist specializing in that field whose recommendations include possible ADHD medication) and I tell you about all the *recent* ways that this lifelong ADHD has messed up my life (including professionally— which affects my health insurance* and salary—two things I need to keep making appointments with your practice)…then please, please hear me out. Believe me when I tell you about the other brain meds I’ve tried, including side effects, why I felt like they maybe ultimately stopped working, etc. Believe me (and verify with my cardiologist of course) that we can monitor my heart health if we try a stimulant ADHD Rx that the cardiologist signs off on. Just basically do not brush me off please. Don’t brush off your female patients, especially if you’re male, or even if you’re female. Even female healthcare providers can fall prey to medical misogyny against their female patients and especially nowadays, it is a matter of life and death.

        *and if you dont take health insurance—which is okay, I understand why—then yeah I DEFINITELY need my salary to keep making appts with you so we need to get my ADHD under control, Doc!

        Sorry for the novel!

        1. Tea Monk*

          I’m glad you wrote it. Doctors often think that going to them is first line, but we’ve mostly tried the first line. We’re desperate so that’s why we’re going to the doctor instead of taking a walk or doing a gratitude journal

    3. crabbypants*

      Don’t sit at your desk with your client sitting across from you in one of those awful “guest chairs.” Makes a person feel like they’re going to their boss or the principal’s office to get scolded. Have a space in your office with comfortable easy chairs, you sit in one and your client sits in the other.

      Listen – LISTEN, really LISTEN to the person. If you want to perform a monologue, go to your local stand-up comedy place. When someone comes to you for help, shut up and LISTEN to them. By “listen,” I mean active listening – your face needs to show that you are actually hearing what they say, not just waiting for a pause so you can jump in and babble at them.

      Sorry, that sounds a bit crabby. Bet you can tell what the last MD-psychiatrist that I consulted did on my first visit. There was not a second visit.

    4. ReallyBadPerson*

      If I make a joke, and it’s an obvious attempt at humor, please do your best to at least smile. I find it so patronizing to have my every word taken seriously, as if I were a pathetic child.

    5. Wolf*

      Have tissues – I can’t be the only one who cries in sessions!

      Be open and realistic about what you can do for them – I really appreciated hearing “thing A isn’t my specialty, but we can work on XYZ, which I expect to take around 10-12 sessions”.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And if possible, a bathroom where a person can wash their face and calm down after a hard session.

    6. talos*

      The one time I talked to a psychiatrist (referred by a therapist), it was for a possible prescription and nothing else. I got really frustrated that they would mention a potential medication side effect, and then not tell me _anything_ about how bad it would be or how likely it was. I get that every patient is different, but what I really really want to know is how _likely_ it is that this antidepressant will cause nausea or sleep disruption or whatever.

    7. Venus*

      I’d appreciate if you post what you’re comfortable with. A friend is transgender and looked for someone who stated they are LGBTQ+ friendly, because if a professional was willing to write it down then that made it much more likely that my friend would be welcomed.

      Same friend also recommends not complaining about other patients, not misdiagnosing and refusing to listen, and please test for side effects. I know these are obvious, but it really shows how bad their first several psychiatrists were. The basics of listening for a couple sessions before diagnosis, testing for side effects (i.e. are the liver, kidneys, and other organs losing basic function?), and not sharing inappropriate information were sadly factors in looking for someone competent.

    8. DisclosureRules*

      Be honest about what you will share with whom and under what circumstances. Discuss circumstances that might necessitate patients signing away rights to confidentiality as well as reporting requirements because most people don’t know this is a thing that can happen.

      Listen to your patients and realize some people don’t fit into standard molds and need different approaches.

      Listen to your patients if they ask you not to write down something, or be honest that you can’t promise that before the info is shared.

      Signed, someone who had no idea everything I said at age 16 and 17 would be shared with my parents even though I was no longer living with them (college) because I was still a minor and someone who was forced to sign away rights to privacy by court proceedings that didn’t seem to be related to therapy but became a requirement when the other side found out they existed – twice.

    9. bassclefchick*

      Like others said, listen. Not only to what they are saying, but what they AREN’T saying. Especially if it’s someone new to therapy or hasn’t been in a long time.

      Do NOT openly mock the person. Going to therapy can be SCARY. Yes, I went for a lifelong problem, told the therapist what I thought and he was not only very dismissive, but openly laughed at me. Not only was there NO second appointment, but I haven’t been back to therapy, even though I really should.

      1. DJ Abbott*

        Is there a certification or regulatory body you can report that psychiatrist to? He was abusive and should not be practicing.

    10. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Address what the referral was for, dangit. And believe what they tell you.
      Family member was having trouble focusing, to the point they flunked all their classes, dropped out of school, then got fired from their job. And then another job. After MONTHS of convincing family member to seek help, primary care doctor just said it sounded like ADD but they couldn’t treat ADD and referred to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.
      Psychiatrist just said “let’s not jump to ADD, I can’t just hand out pills!” and he refused to even do an evaluation. Said he needed “evidence” that it was “significantly impacting” their life. (Is flunking out of school and getting fired twice not significant?)
      I guess he wanted to keep having them come in every three months and “monitor” the impact or something? Because past stuff wasn’t enough? UGH. Honestly anything that would come up moving forward is ALSO just going to be something the doc needs to take the patient’s word happened. Why not start believing the patient now?
      He made this family member feel like they were just looking for a prescription for meds to use recreationally.
      And at that point family member gave up on treatment and now, two years later, remains unemployed and is struggling. And now is too old for their parent’s insurance and can’t afford care at all.
      It’s just been so frustrating to watch and support this family member and their parents. I’m honestly very worried for them. This could have all gone down very differently if my family member had been helped/evaluated and hopefully treated.

    11. Fluff*

      Help your staff be clear on what type of appointment we are scheduling. Some psychiatrists do meds and therapy. If you show up to a med appointment thinking it is a therapy one, that may be a rude surprise when the med visit is quite short.

      Thanks for asking this BTW. Psychiatry is so valuable and we do not have enough you. Thanks for doing what you do.

    12. Anony*

      First time I went to a therapist he handed me a long questionnaire about whether I planned to kill myself or anyone else or initiate a remarkably wide variety of mayhem. I spent the first 20 minutes sitting in silence checking through all the questions: no, no, no, no… While I could see the point of this step, I felt like he suspected me of being some kind of insane monster rather than a person who needed a little help. Sure would have been helpful if that could have been toned down a bit.

    13. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

      Please believe me when I tell you what side effects I had or am having to a medication, even (especially?) if they are unusual for that medication. It’s not perimenopause / hormones, or at least not JUST those things.
      If you are LGBTQIA+ / queer-friendly, please be explicit and truthful about it.
      If your new patient forms are still referring to the DSM-3 or 4, please update them to DSM-5 if that applies to you. My flavor of queer is no longer pathologized in the DSM-5, and I have learned I need to judge providers based on that reference in those forms.

  18. The Sweet One*

    It’s fine. Really. Do you have any trusted colleagues (other than your manager) that you could chat with? This isn’t in a getting permission way—you already have permission—but it will probably help with the giving yourself permission part. Chatting with your colleagues about the party and who comes will probably set your mind at ease.

    1. Ali + Nino*

      A set of cute/funny magnets; gift card to Starbucks or local coffee shop; I once brought a mini waffle iron to a white elephant and people seemed to like that!

    3. White elephant*

      If you’re new, make sure to ask what people generally do. I showed up with a nice if inexpensive gift (fancy maple syrup plus pancake mix) once, as did all the other new people, only to find the seasoned colleagues all brought gag gifts. And wouldn’t you know it, basically all of us new people ended up bringing home the gag gifts and the people who’d been there for years took home the nice gifts…

    4. KatherineJ*

      I had a coworker bring a flashlight once, which I think is brilliant as it is useful and you never have one needed. They also included batteries in the gift.

    5. Rara Avis*

      Our theme last year was “useful”; I gave a compact umbrella that the recipient showed me Monday still lives in her car for unexpected rain.

    6. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      My husband just picked up a really soft, cozy lap blanket and he’s also going to drop in a lottery ticket.

    7. Just a name*

      I worked with a group that were huge sci fi/ Dr. Who fans, so any gizmo related to that worked. I once snagged a pizza cutter shaped like the starship enterprise that was under the $15 limit and it was a huge hit. Black Friday thing from Amazon, although a few years back.

    8. Spreadsheet Queen*

      Well, first of all is it a Yankee Swap or a White Elephant? Those are two different things.

      (White Elephant is when you wrap and bring in something decent that was previously gifted to you, that was just not your thing. It would likely be new, but the original package would have been opened or missing. Yankee Swap – or in other parts of the country, Dirty Santa – assumes something newly purchased).

      But definitely ask around. Some workplace exchanges may include alcohol and others definitely would not. You might get good hints about what is popular too, whether that be nerdy toys or fancy coffees or humor books, whether handmade gifts are ever acceptable, or if it’s a gift card only kind of crowd.

      1. anectoad*

        In the part of the country where I live, the term “Yankee Swap” is not used. What you refer to as a “Yankee Swap” is called a “White Elephant” here, or, maybe 25% of the time, “Dirty Santa.” I understand that it would be nice if these things were more clearly delineated, but they’re just not!

  20. AAM comment-name choices*

    AAM comment-name choices – what was the source of yours?
    Context: I’m always fascinated when I see someone reply to a comment saying that they like the user-name because it’s related to a TV or book series or other fandom. A lot of the time I haven’t realised there even was a fandom associated.
    I also love the ones calling out particularly weird or clever AAM comments or situations, but again I’m sure I’m missing some of these.

    1. Aww, coffee, no*

      And to answer my own comment – it’s a call-out to Matt Faction’s run on the Hawkeye comics. Where Hawkeye is the Marvel comic / Avengers MCU character, not the doctor from M.A.S.H.

    2. 653-CXK*

      Mine is from a Massachusetts license plate for a 1974 VW412 wagon that my father bought in 1980 and had until 1985, when he sold it to the Old Volks Home for $50.

    3. londonedit*

      I’m from London and I edit things :D

      I do keep meaning to come up with a better name, but I can’t be bothered! I love the ones that reference an AAM in joke.

    4. Name du Jour*

      I like to mix it up. It helps me feel comfortable posting as it makes it harder to identify me and if I slip up you can’t tell which other comments are mine.

      I very much appreciate this forum allows this, and I likely would not participate if it didn’t

    5. Helvetica*

      I like the font – classic, even if some consider it boring – and while I have no connection to Switzerland, I like the country too.

    6. The OG Sleepless*

      I have insomnia and I tend to post online in the middle of the night (not on AAM; I only read AAM on my desktop). I was Sleepless at first, and awhile back someone else posted as Sleepless, so I designated myself the OG Sleepless. Before that, I posted a few times as Mrs. Fenris. My husband was a big deal on an online game, and his main username was Fenris, so he referred to me as Mrs. Fenris in the game chat.

      1. Stuffed Squid*

        I’m sure Alison has metrics for the site of some kind… I’m curious as to what % of readers are mobile-only (me), desktop-only, or a mix.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          I use four different devices, I think – my desktop computer at home, my tablet, my work laptop and least often, but occasionally, my phone.

    7. My Day (they/them)*

      I like to pick a new one every so often. This one is related to a band I like, Day6, but I’ve also used some of my favorite words, sometimes post a single more personal inquiry with a related name, sometimes just a silly phrase. It’s nice to be anonymous.

      1. Stuffed Squid*

        Perks of having a very common name – those of us with very unique first and/or last names use them out of necessity a lot of the time.

    9. Tea Monk*

      The truth is that I was reading Becky Chambers Monk and Robot series and the idea of a tea monk sounded really appealing like the sort of job Id like to have, so I just started to use it

    11. Nilsson Schmilsson*

      A great album by the late, great Harry Nilsson, often referred to as “The American Beatle”.

    12. Mornington Crescent*

      Mine is a London tube station on the Northern Line that I think has a great name. It’s also a very silly association game that no one really understands (I certainly don’t!), but I liked that it was two things at once.

      I also picked it because someone else was already using the name I was going to pick and doubling up would’ve been confusing (hello, Rainy!)

    13. Lady Danbury*

      I’ve been a Bridgerton fan since the books, so it was an easy choice. Plus, I aspire to mature into that kind of wise, no nonsense vibe in my twilight years.

    16. Irish Teacher.*

      Mine’s really boring. I originally used a version of my name but thought it didn’t quite fit the vibe here, so I wanted to change it and I already had a number of occasions where I had to clarify, “well, what I’d do is X, but I’m in Ireland so not sure if the laws/workplace norms are the same where you are” or stuff like “well, I’m a teacher so negotiating salary isn’t a thing as my salary is set by the Minister for Education who I’m not going to meet,” so I figured I’d just put my disclaimers, so to speak, in my username, so it’s clear that I am coming from a particular perspective and any suggestions I make are coming from that perspective and may miss some US specifics or specifics of the corporate world.

      And then once I’d used it for some time, I don’t really feel I can change now. (That’s just my feeling, for me. I’m not criticising anybody who does change.) I feel like I’m sort of “known” under this name and if people think I have good insight into a particular issue and want to pay special attention to what I say on that issue or if they think I am completely off-base on an issue (or that my comments aren’t going to be relevant to their situation) and want to skip over my replies to those, I don’t want to make that more difficult for anybody to do. I know there are some people here who I know have knowledge on a particular issue – for example somebody who has spoken about having a particular disability and can speak from experience on navigating that in the workplace – and I pay particular attention to what they say on those issues.

      And this is only tangentially related but it’s something I’ve been wondering for a while and it never seemed appropriate to ask. If Michelle Smith reads this, I’ve been wondering if your username was inspired by an Irish swimmer.

    17. Mentally Spicy*

      “Mentally Spicy” is the term I use to describe my various mental differences. For the record I have severe ADHD, dyspraxia, and I’m on the autistic spectrum. Three in a row! Jackpot!

      I (in my very personal view) despise words like “non-neurotypical” or “neuro-diverse”, not only because they feel overly jargonistic but also because they seem to me like euphemisms for “not normal”.

      I like to laugh in the face of challenging things. I believe that laughing at something robs it of its power to hurt or scare. “Mentally spicy” amuses me so I prefer that designation for myself.

    19. Ladybugger*

      I wrote the Ladybug Drama letter. (I don’t work at that place anymore, I found out I’m autistic, I am still confused by the anthropomorphization of bugs.)

    20. Rara Avis*

      Mine was used first for letterboxing (and then geocaching), and my stamp was a penguin, hence “Rare Bird.”

    21. Fluff*

      So many reasons.

      Fluffy dog (Initially a Newfie, now a Finnish Lappy – The definition of fluff).
      my brain is full of fluff
      My jobs invovle(d) fluff. Removing fluff from code and EMRs (electronic medical records), in music sometimes playing the fluff (easy and fun gigs), medicine teaching (cut through the fluff to the real stuff).

    23. Chauncy Gardener*

      One of my favorite movies. Plus, I always wanted to name a dog Chauncy, but it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen.

    24. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I started out as Red Reader because I have Merida hair and read 200 books a year, and a ways back someone wanted some urging to do a thing and I was feeling silly so I emoted fluttering down, sprinkling adulting fairy dust and waving a magic wand.

    25. goddessoftransitory*

      Oh, what fun!

      Mine is from the MST3K episode Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, with Raul Julia. He calls the female lead “Oh, goddess of transitory!” and I always liked that phrasing.

    27. The Prettiest Curse*

      My username is also the name of an excellent album by the band Hinds. It was their last album before half of the band line-up was fired/left for reasons which still remain murky. (Their new album is called Viva Hinds and is also excellent.)

      I may have been the origin of a few of the in-joke usernames on this site after commenting that a specific phrase would make a good username!

    28. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I used to be just Lizzie, until I saw a comment from a Lizzie and was puzzled at first, thinking ‘I didn’t write that!’ and then light dawned and I realised it was a pretty common name. So I added my deaf cat!

    29. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      It took me a few names to settle on this one.

      The 90s Canadian alt band Moxy Früvous had a song called King of Spain where he refers to “my unspeakable wife Queen Lisa”. Clearly that’s some patriarchal bullshit and Queen Lisa is most excellent, so I took it back, so to speak.

      1. PMaster*

        I was wondering if you’d reply! I saw them live in Buffalo the summer of ’93-ish and I’ve had their Bargainville album ever since.

    30. Filosofickle*

      You know those deep thoughts you think are so profound when you’re drunk, but they are absolutely not? I call that being filosofickle (fill-AW-suh-fick-el), a messed up pronunciation of philosophical.

    31. shaw of dorset*

      Mine’s a reference to a historical figure I find fascinating: T E Lawrence. The movie about him is Lawrence of Arabia. Well, when he was older he changed his name to Shaw and lived in Dorset, thus, Shaw of Dorset.

    33. allathian*

      I use several names in different internet spaces, and I don’t post anywhere that requires my real name, so I’m not on any social media except WhatsApp, and even there I mostly text people in my contacts (with a few exceptions, like the group for parents with kids in my son’s class, and his scout troop group).

      I’m a member of several online spaces that require a sign-in, but I’m not too worried if only the admins have access to my email information.

    34. AAM comment-name choices*

      This has been really fascinating, I’m so glad I asked.

      And I hope no-one felt I was trying to get them to dox themselves. As the owner of a fairly unique last name, I never post anywhere (other than a mostly-abandoned LinkedIn) with my real name because I don’t want to be easily identifiable so I promise doxxing was never my intention.

    35. Medium Sized Manager*

      I had just watched the Bob’s Burgers episode where they introduced Regular Sized Rudy and felt it was fitting for a decidedly middle manager

    36. epicdemiologist*

      Mine’s from my youngest kid commenting on how cool my field is: “More like EPIC-demiology!”

    37. Nightengale*

      I played the Nightingale of Samarkand in Once Upon A Mattress in 6th grade.
      This is the bird who is brought in ostensibly to sing the princess of the Princess and the Pea to sleep but in fact to keep her awake. I got to sing, whistle and squawk on a swing!

      I later adopted it as a pen name for a journal in college and then as an online username when online became a thing.

      Only I misspelled it as Nightengale for several years before anyone noticed

    39. Procedure Publisher*

      It is to state what I did at my job. My next gig is likely to not change much what I do. Same employer, just on contract in a different area doing the same thing. I might change my username if I get a job with different responsibilities.

  21. Forensic13*

    Any suggestions for a writing adjunct teacher looking to find a new career? I really like teaching and my career is thankfully the side gig of our family, but the volatile nature of universities crying poor and general academia bureaucracy BS is making me twitchy.

    The issue is that I’m been slowly shifting my classes over the years to minimize all the things I hate doing and prioritize the ones I like. And all the things I hate doing are the things that form the backbone of all those “teachers who want a new profession” suggestions. I’m actually very very bad at sustained organization (I’m ADHD); I have elaborate systems to put organization in place before things start, and then I have to just check all the incoming things a lot. I HATE classroom management, so I tend to do what I want, convince most students that what I want to do is actually quite fun so they’re excited to go along with it, and then annoy the others into compliance. (I swear I’m a better teacher than it may sound like; this all actually combines very well for freshmen).

    So this means that no project management, no K-12 teaching, and nothing where I have to be good at organizing events or people.

    Any suggestions?

    1. The Sweet One*

      Former teacher here. I used to teach all levels of English (truly—pre-K through PhD), along with college prep. I am now a senior business analyst.

      I had taken some tech-adjacent classes here and there (technical writing, database basics, SQL) and ultimately wound up doing a six-month boot camp for data analysis and visualization. I connected with a recruiter and landed as a project coordinator at a great company that really liked hiring new grads (I was close enough).

      It was a great fit for me—I learned fast, and the skills that I had gained as a teacher have been assets.

    2. bamcheeks*

      There are soooo many needs for teaching adults which aren’t college. I have done quite a lot of teaching leadership, management, communication skills, etc in corporate and healthcare settings. I have a friend who does freelance intercultural communication, and EDI training. You can do that from within an organisation, for a training organisation which contracts with other organisations, or as a freelancer. There is usually relatively little classroom management because everyone there is a professional who has chosen to be there, so the worst case scenario is usually “stopping the over-talkative person from taking over”.

      On the other side, I have taken corporate training on things like SEO, specific software packages, understanding statistics, pedagogy and so on, so those are also options if you are interested in them. And you can find specific niches, like “management training for doctors” or “DEI training for people working with international students”. If you can cope with technical stuff, training people on IT topics or how to use specific software packages can be *very* lucrative.

      Also, when I did corporate training, I worked with a marketing and events management team, so they set up events, marketed them, booked rooms, created registers, photocopied materials, tracked attendance etc and I just had to tailor the powerpoint to that particular group and then turn up and teach. GLORIOUS.

      But really, do not underestimate how valuable “can write a lesson plan, and make something interesting to a group of people” can be! So many opportunities outside formal education.

    3. WritersGottaWrite*

      Actual writing careers? Marketing departments, business development, and other such general company support areas don’t usually require specuslize knowledge/skills.

    4. Charlotte Lucas*

      Former adjunct Composition Instructor! I worked in corporate training for a while (did have to do customer service to get my foot in the door, but it paid better than teaching had). Then I moved into communications, and that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.

      Really helps if you have good tech skills.

  22. Writer Seeks $$$*

    Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate!

    I was just contacted on LinkedIn by a recruiter for a high-paying job with excellent benefits. Im hoping it’s not too good to be true – I have a zoom screening next week – but the tradeoff is the content of the job is probably very boring. It will also likely be less flexible than my current set up. But I’m so desperate for more money that I don’t really care (and if this panned out it would also remove the need to job search, which I loathe). I just don’t want to be blind to a potentially toxic work culture. Glassdoor etc reviews seem to veer negative (mostly people being overworked). What questions would you ask at this point in the process to make sure things are on the up and up?

    2. Highlighter Cat*

      Are you in a field that is usually recruited? If not, I’d be careful of scams. Does it seem too good to be true?

  23. Tradd*

    No free Friday tomorrow. I’m the customs broker that often posts. People in our import transportation department had not been working ahead as they should have been. I got documents for approximately 20 files dumped on me today, arriving at port Sunday, that should have been sent days ago. They’ve had the documents for at least two week. They’re the customer my on-vacation coworker does (he’s back next Wednesday). He would have been able to do them before he left. I was livid and sent a scathing email off to my manager that also overseas that department. It’s gone up to the owners. My manager said he fully supported me and this is on top of the occasional issues coworker and I have been mentioning over the past month. I had enough of my own to work on Friday, but now I’ll have to work a full day on Friday and probably some over Saturday/Sunday. I am a manager and salaried (and paid accordingly for the weekend stuff I do) and so no OT. Boy, am I PEEVED. Office closed Friday so I’ll working from home (I only have the ability due to weekend stuff). At least I’ll be able to do it at home, comfy with no bra on, and plenty of breaks for FB and the like.

    1. WellRed*

      This is neither here nor there but reading your last line, I realized I’ve always read your posts thinking you’re a male. Sorry about your workload this weekend but happy you have a worthy salary.

        1. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

          As a Brit “no pants” always makes me blink until I remember Americans don’t mean a breeze downstairs.

    3. Generic Name*

      Ugh, I hate it when other people’s lack of planning means more work for me. I remember my last week at my last job one of the higher ups dumped a proposal on me 3 days before it was due….that she had sat in for 2 weeks. I, like always turned it around in time. Somewhat amusingly, the company I work for now is a client of my former company, and we just gave a request for a proposal to my old company. It’s exactly the type of proposal that she used to dump on me, but I’m not there to do it. Ha ha.

    4. Tradd*

      And I was sitting in a nice hot bath reading this morning when I got a call from our office manager, who had in turn been notified by our air freight trucking broker. An air freight shipment I had customs cleared earlier in the week arrived at destination airport (took forever to truck from first US airport to destination one) is now suddenly arrived several days early and the customs clearance isn’t showing. No clue why. I had to get out of the tub, logon, and see what happened. Had to call the airline, who in turn gave me their customs department to email. I’m due to leave for dinner in a bit more than a hour (two hour drive). There was no way to call the customs department. Email only. I am livid, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Hanging out at my desk waiting for email from airline to come through and surfing FB and AAM.

      1. Tradd*

        I resubmitted the customs clearance for the air freight one today and that did the trick. Made it to dinner with time to spare.

        1. Tio*

          Bet they hadn’t done their AMS yet. I once got called at 11pm because a clearance for a hot shipment wasn’t showing. After some back and forth, it was because they had split the HBL and not input part B into AMS. And their AMS dept wasn’t working until morning. So they woke me up and bothered me for nothing.

          I don’t miss it tbh

    5. Tradd*

      I just realized I had put TODAY in my post when I got the files dumped on me yesterday. Not sufficient caffeine yet! LOL

  24. Alex*

    What are some good scripts to say to someone who is telling you news about a decision they are making that you think is horrible, but without triggering their defensiveness?

    I’ve got a friend who is getting back together with an ex (they are both women), who I think treated her horribly. She completely controlled her–wouldn’t let her see her friends, tracked her whereabouts on her phone, and even installed a security camera and would watch her in the house when she was at work. I’ve heard that as a stipulation of them getting back together, she would be required to let her go through her phone and texts daily. She would also not be allowed to be in contact with any of her exes, which is a problem because like many lesbians, all of her best friends are her exes (it is a cliche for a reason!).

    My friend is not someone you can reason with. I know she will not calmly hear any of my concerns so I know better than to voice them. But what *do* I say when she tells me that they are reuniting? (It’s not official yet but I know it is coming.)

    1. Armchair Analyst*

      You could say, oh! Well please know I support you! I want to celebrate with you, do you feel like celebrating? How do you feel?

      And then let them talk and ask open-ended questions

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        It sounds like “I want to celebrate with you” would not only be a lie, but would additionally appear to be supportive of a controlling partner, so the friend would be less inclined to see Alex as a safe person to be honest with about the situation. Alex, please don’t go this route.

    2. WellRed*

      Honestly this is so far beyond abusive I’d probably say “I cant support this, I’m sorry but I’m here for you.” And then I’d disengage somewhat from the friendship. Which it sounds like you won’t have much choice in the matter, any way. Sorry about your friend.

      1. WellRed*

        I want to reiterate? This ex tracked her movements and installed a camera to watch her. That’s truly horrifying.

      2. Riley*

        You are correct, this is an abusive relationship. Cutting off the friend is not the way to go, however. You play into the abuser’s hands when you do that. The way to go is to tell them that you sincerely hope it works out for them and that you will always be there to support them in the way that they need. It takes an average of 7 tries to leave an abuser. It’s harder when there is no support system.

      3. Irish Teacher.*

        I think the concern I’d have here is that it could push her closer to the abusive partner and make it harder for her to admit things aren’t right and get out (because it would be admitting you were right and she was wrong). It als gives the partner an excuse to isolate her further by making you out to be an enemy intent on splitting them up, who she should avoid.

    5. PX*

      You say something bland and generic (I really like what HannahS suggested) and then mentally remember that factoid (that I’m probably remembering wrong) that it takes at least 7 attempts generally for women to leave an abusive partner, and the most important thing is to try and maintain the friendship in whatever way possible so they know you are a safe place for when they are finally ready to actually leave.

    6. KB*

      What do you want to happen, given that you cannot change their decision to reunite?

      Do you need to distance yourself, or do you want to be their safe haven? Are you their closest friend and facing the loss of that friendship, or are you just a good person who wants to be able to connect them with resources when they inevitably will need them? Are you and this friend generally candid or a bit guarded?

      What I’m suggesting is that you understand your needs and the role that you are capable of taking on given the fact that you cannot control what is happening.

      1. Alex*

        I guess what I want to happen is to not get in a fight with her. Some of my other friends have already gotten in a fight with her over this, and I just don’t see the point. I can tell she knows it is a terrible idea because of how hard she is trying to sell it to everyone, so her defensiveness is on a hair trigger and I just want to keep peace between us while also not lying.

        Sadly, the first time they broke up, it was her ex unilaterally ending the relationship, not her. In fact, her ex left under false pretenses, and then later texted her saying she wasn’t coming back. So that “average 7 tries to leave an abuser” clock hasn’t even really started ticking.

        My friend has some serious mental health issues herself that she refuses to address. I don’t think she would ever break up with this person–she wants too badly not to fail. (When they broke up, she kept saying what a failure she was.) My friend is kind of a mess and I do regularly need to set boundaries between us to keep my own sanity, but I still care about her and don’t want to be someone who she sees as “against” her, as I don’t think that leaves any room for me to be supportive if/when she needs it.

        1. Bike Walk Barb*

          How about something along the lines of, “That’s a big decision. I’m your friend and I want the best for you so I hope everything works out” and stop at that? All honest statements and she doesn’t know how you define the “everything” or what it would mean in your mind for it to work out. You haven’t rejected the idea so she doesn’t need to defend it or try to sell you. You can do a pivot to some other topic.

    7. Venus*

      My preference is to continue the friendship but say that I don’t want to hear about any part of their relationship. I did say it once, though in that situation her partner was mean to others rather than abusive to her. I didn’t say it initially, only the next time that she brought him up, and I phrased it as wanting to discuss other topics. We rarely see each other now and when we meet up the topics focus on work and hobbies.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I try to stay kind of “pleasantly neutral” about everything. You can’t save your friend but you can be there for her while also not getting too involved.

      “Oh wow!” is a great response that CAN be interpreted positively by the recipient without you having to pretend to be happy (especially if she tells you they’re back together via text).

      When she tells you something concerning, your goal is to sympathize without telling her what to do or putting her in a situation where she is defending the partner.
      “How do you feel about that?”
      “Are you okay with that?”
      “That sounds really upsetting.”
      “You don’t deserve that.”
      “I want you to be safe and happy.”
      “What are you going to do?”

    9. Pocket Mouse*

      I’d try to say something like: “Oh… I’m surprised to hear that! Before you split up, you told me X, Y, and Z were happening and you were really unhappy about that. Did something change? What are you expecting to be different this time around? I love you and I hope that whatever happens, you know that you deserve better than what you were telling me about before, you deserve to be trusted rather than surveilled, and you deserve to be able to spend time with your loved ones. I’m here for you any time you want to talk.”

      Let her know you are invested in her well-being, and can be trusted in good times and bad. Ugh, that sucks.

    10. Riley*

      Tell her that you genuinely hope that things work out happily for the two of them and that you are there for her. She will need a friend and support system. There might come a time when you need to limit your contact for your own sake, and if that time comes, drive home that you will help her if she is in trouble.

    11. Aggretsuko*

      The last time this happened, we all just kind of kept our mouths shut. My favorite reaction was a “yaaaaaay!” given from someone who just…didn’t have that genuine enthusiasm. I didn’t see her much once they got back together.

      Happily, it seems that she’s broken up with him once again, let’s hope it sticks.

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      Oh my.
      “I hope you’ll be very happy” whilst trying not to make the horrified scream face?
      What an awful situation!

    13. Not A Manager*

      “I hope everything works out the way you want it to.”

      You could add, “I’m your friend and I’m always here for you,” but you don’t have to.

    14. Irish Teacher.*

      I think this is one of those “let her talk” things. You could say something like “I hope things go well” or “I hope things work out better this time” or “how are you feeling about that?” If you think she’d be open to it, you could possibly say something about how getting back with exes can be difficult sometimes and you hope it goes well; has she any worries or is she just happy about it?

      You want to leave an opening for her to talk to you when things start really going wrong again.

    15. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      As someone who did escape an abusive relationship on the 5th or so try here’s what my friends did:

      1. They made it clear that I could hang out with them if I stopped talking about my partner because they were tired of it.

      2. They also made it clear that were I to need help leaving my partner that they’d absolutely chip in but that they couldn’t assist in problems *within* the relationship. So no more venting about the horrible thing whatsisname had done today.

      3. Setting boundaries basically. The first time I got back together with him a few friends told me ‘well, ok, it’s your choice’ which sent me up the wall at first, but later it proved enlightning.

      Because the first people I turned to when I did finally escape for good were the ones who had stayed back, did NOT gossip about the situation or give opinions unasked for and who had good boundaries.

      It’ll feel heartless though :(

  25. 653-CXK*

    On the Thanksgiving Eve thread, someone had asked for the recipe for Blueberry Dump Cake, so here it is…

    Blueberry Dump Cake

    – 4 cups fresh blueberries or 2 16 oz cans blueberry pie filling
    – 1/2 cup white sugar
    – 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
    – 1 box yellow cake mix
    – 1/2 cup melted butter (or 1 stick of butter)

    Preheat the oven to 350°. Mix blueberries, cinnamon and sugar (or if using pie filling, just the blueberries and cinnamon if it has sugar already) and place in a 9″ x 13″ pan. Cover mixture with cake mix, then drizzle the melted butter (if using sticks of butter, cut them into very thin pats on the mix). Bake for 30 minutes until golden brown on the top.

    You can serve this warm with ice cream or cooled with Cool Whip.

  26. Deck cat*

    LOL, what I can appreciate about the Thanksgiving tyrant letter is the signing off on dishes. I mean, do you want like, 6 bowls of potato chips and no plates, cups or flatware at the Thanksgiving potluck? Because sometimes that is how you wind up with 6 bowls of potato chips and no plates, cups, or flatware at the potluck. The whole letter is over the top but I can understand what may have driven them to that point.

  27. Taters and stuffing*

    I have two cats that are named after potatoes, Russet and Kennebec. I actually didn’t want to give them individual names, I wanted to only ever refer to them in the collective as “the potatoes”, turns out that was unreasonable since each one gets into trouble as an individual potato. Every year I try to make Thanksgiving a big deal for them because it’s the most potato-focused holiday that I know of, and every year they don’t really care that much and I suspect, behind their curious green and olive eyes, that they’re wondering why their human is trying so hard to make sure they’re having a good time on what is a pretty normal day. Anyway, that’s what I’ll be doing today, have a happy Thanksgiving everyone!

    1. WellRed*

      Funny enough, I had no idea there was a Kennebec potato. That’s a Native American tribe here and there are lots of kennebec name places as a result.

      1. Clisby*

        My husband (from Ohio) claims Kennebec potatoes are the best. I never see them here in SC, so he has to settle for Yukon Gold.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Kennebec potatoes are the best for french fries. They’re not necessarily best for all applications.

    3. Flower*

      I love this.

      Also: You need the t-shirt my husband is wearing right now. It has a giant potato on the front and says “Is Potato.” From the Stephen Colbert website.

    4. Weekend Warrior*

      Our cat’s first foster named her Apple and her five kittens (adopted to other homes) were Bramley, Pippin, Winston, Newton, and Cox, apparently all English apples varieties. We’ve since renamed her as she didn’t respond at all to Apple and honestly she continues to answer best to “Kitty”. :)

      1. bamcheeks*

        I grew up near the original Bramley apple tree! Very famous historical landmark (if you live <1 mile away.)

  28. Purple Teacher*

    I need to put in notice on Monday. I could’ve done so before Thanksgiving but figured after the holiday was better.

    Tips on how to do this? I started looking because my employer is in financial trouble, my job got restructured I think, in part, to do layoffs by end of academic year. I’m sad to leave.

    Thanks for any advice!

    1. londonedit*

      I’d tell your boss in person, if possible (or at least on video call), but you don’t have to go into any more detail than you want to. If they ask you to confirm in writing for HR, all you literally need to do is say ‘I am writing to confirm that I will be leaving my position as Llama Groomer, and my last day, as agreed with Tabitha Warbleworth, will be 27/12’ – if you want to be super polite, you can add a line like ‘I would like to thank [company] for their support over the years, and wish everyone well for the future’ but you absolutely don’t have to, and you don’t have to get into any of your reasons for leaving. You literally just need to confirm that you’re resigning and confirm your last day as agreed with your boss.

      1. Lady Danbury*

        This, but I’d also add some sort of thank you into your convo with your boss. It sounds like there were positives about your boss/role pre-financial trouble that you can point to, especially since you’re sad to be leaving.

    2. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

      I agree with telling your immediate supervisor / manager during a quick one-on-one meeting. I always have a hard copy of my resignation letter with me in case it is needed for a file somewhere in that office, but it typically just needs to be emailed to someone in HR to be official.

  29. Resignation*

    Ask to meet with your boss, tell them you’re resigning- do not go into reasons – and hand them a short signed letter that says something like this:

    “I am resigning from my position at Conpany X effective Date.

    Sincerely,

    Employee”

    Literally that simple. If they ask if they can change your mind, just say no (unless there’s something they could offer to entice you to stay).

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Haha, you hit the nail on the head. If I got an OOO message like this I would probably remember it, but for all the wrong reasons. How embarrassing for everyone.

    2. ThatGirl*

      She really did misunderstand the assignment but I also feel like her boss should have been clearer the first time about what a good OOO email includes.

    3. Venus*

      I’d be fine with it if the contact info was right at the top. Her big mistake is forcing everyone to scroll through the story to find the info they really need!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        This. When the info I need is buried under an AI story about squirrels I would be–feeling the opposite of professional.

    4. Unkempt Flatware*

      As a manager, I can’t imagine caring enough to make her stop, honestly. But I’m viewing it from the lens of my own job.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      At my job we typically get an email from the superintendent on Wednesday telling us we can leave early, and we were all joking about how we scroll past the nice community letter to make sure it says we can leave. And his stories are actually personal and enjoyable!

      I would find this totally insufferable and the fact that it’s AI makes it even worse. Why should I bother reading something that she didn’t bother to write? She might not be wasting much of her own time but she’s wasting everyone else’s with “What is this? Why did she send it to me? Oh it’s just an OOO why didn’t she just say that.” So weird to double down on “expressing her personality” when it’s not even HER.

      1. Unkempt Flatware*

        Ah, yes. Your perspective does alter my opinion. I don’t care about AI but I also wouldn’t want to read some Thing and not know it’s an OOO until the end.

      2. Roland*

        > Why should I bother reading something that she didn’t bother to write?

        Wow, I love this. Really distills so much of what I hate about this trend.

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        This, totally! “She may not be wasting her own time but she is wasting everyone else’s” sums it up perfectly.

    6. Lady Danbury*

      I don’t want tips or stories from someone’s OOO. I just want to know when you’re gonna be back and who I need to contact in the meantime. Save the personality for your blog or in person convos.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Right like I don’t want someone giving me wellness tips EVER. At work? When I am actively trying to get work done? Absolutely not.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Ohhh dear. I do think that the boss needed to clarify “professional” after the second go-round!

    8. LBD*

      My first thought was to wonder what career path brought her to Catering Operations Manager. I feel like she may have arrived there via a food service path, rather than office worker path, and had never really had direction on email composition. Her perspective seemed to be that just saying you are out of the office isn’t enough to constitute an actual email. She does admit she misunderstood the assignment, so I think she will be able to overcome this little stumble!

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        In my family Yes to green jellied salads but No to green bean casserole. Also Yes to brussel sprouts, dressing (never called stuffing), turkey, etc. Always pumpkin pie for dessert.

        Yes to always gathering with family and friends who lived within driving distance. No to anyone taking a plane to attend.

        Enjoy your feast!

      2. Hiring in Canada*

        We don’t have either in my family traditions! We’d be more likely to do green been casserole, probably. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, brussels sprouts (with bacon, please), cranberry sauce from a can…

        We had just put our place on the market at Thanksgiving, and I wasn’t feeling well enough to travel, so I missed out this year. I’m still full of regret.

  32. Tradd*

    Nice easy gifts topic that are consumable:

    I have to put in my vote for Republic of Tea’s holiday tea assortment. It’s in a pretty box that doesn’t need to be wrapped. RoT has unbleached round tea bags with no tags that are wonderful to just drop in a mug and not have to worry about the stupid strings and tags. The box has 24 teabags of assorted flavors. About $15. You can get on Amazon or directly from RoT (where I get them). I’ve given them as gifts the last couple of years and they are a huge hit. Their Comfort and Joy holiday flavor is my favorite. It’s black tea with essentially mulling spices. Yum!

  33. Rain, Disappointing Australian*

    The turkitties! I love them, Alison. :D

    Have a holiday that is at least adequate, commentariat friends! (Family joke. Based on superstition that we don’t actually believe, that telling someone to have a happy holiday inevitably results in it NOT being that. So we go for “at least adequate” – it’s bound to get a laugh and that does tend to improve a bad day!)

    1. Pam Adams*

      Fig’s little smudgy face is my favorite. I imagine her dipping her face in someone’s hot chocolate.

  34. lurkyloo*

    Totally work/not Thanksgiving post (Happy Thanksgiving to my southerly neighbours!)

    I’m not good at concise, but I’ll try. And this is more a vent than a request for advice.
    Canadian federal worker. They recently mandated 3 days in the office (and in our department office ONLY. Going to work at other government offices will not count as ‘days in the office’), with an exception for anyone over 125 km away. I’m 130 km away and there’s a GREAT HONKING BODY OF WATER between me and there with a 1.5 hour ferry ride (total of 4.5 hours door to door). They turned me down for telework.
    OK, pivot! I have a phenomenal grandboss/Director who got me in touch with the provincial government who offered me a position. YAY! I’m supposed to start Dec. 16.
    Now there’s a ton of paperwork, because I’m essentially on ‘loan’ to the province. And my manager messed up on the questions, resulting in a need for my approval to come from 6 rungs up the ladder. Think, in US terms, that your congress persons deputy would have to sign off. And we know how fast that goes. :(
    My current, temporary telework agreement ends Dec. 31 at which time I’ll be disciplinarily fired. So this is a major cluster. And I’m stressed and sad.
    Oh and did I mention that we’re moving Dec. 12 too? Just to keep things spicy. :P

    1. AlsoAFed*

      I’m in IT, so haven’t had to go in so far – but I am supposed to start in January. At this point, I’m looking outside the public service.

      But the good news is that firing takes time and will. Will your current management really fire you immediately? That seems excessive. I’m sorry this ridiculous policy is making your life so stressful!

      1. lurkyloo*

        Thank you. Maybe writing it out on AAM has magic powers?! They’ve just rescinded the need for ADM approval and now it’s just my regional director general. So it should proceed according to the timeline! :) Still stressful going to a new job, but less so.

        My current management is spittin kittens about this. SO angry. But their hands are tied because of the TBS directive. So the paperwork is already in motion for both timelines. Good news is that now it looks like I’ll get out in the ‘still employed’ time.

        (My director has massaged it so that they’re holding my role for 2 years, in case I can come back.)

    2. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I can only wish you good luck and offer commiseration as a fellow PS about the continued lack of logic applied to various situations resulting from three day in office mandate. Hopefully you’ll get your signatures on time! (But it would be so nice to not have the uncertainty and stress)

    3. Le le lemon*

      Wow. “No normal is the new normal” might need to be your mantra for the next few months. Hope it gets better, or, more manageable!

  35. are we in HS again ?*

    The strangest thing happened at work. A handful of leadership (all female) at my office decided to come into work wearing matching outfits (intentional plan)

    I couldn’t help flash back to every single mean girl clique trope ever. These are full grown adults – what the ?????

    1. Unkempt Flatware*

      Oof. They are not doing themselves any favors there. That makes it seem like some sort of clique for sure.

    2. Ms Frizzle Lost her Sizzle*

      As long as they are not throwing a sleepover and making a point of not inviting you, I’d call this a no-harm, no foul situation. I imagine that this brought them some measure of delight or joy, both of which are in far too short supply these days. More power to them.

      I did once work at a high school where instead of the Mean Girls “on Wednesdays we wear pink,” it was “on Thursdays, we wear purple.” This was not the students–it was a multi-gender group of adults, and they wanted to let me in to their secret. I almost never remembered, but they were always very nice to me anyway.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I guess this depends a lot on your work culture, their relationship with the rest of the staff, and what they wore because I don’t see the problem. Were they making fun of people who didn’t match? Was it an inappropriate outfit?

    4. Two cents*

      Maybe they thought it was fun and/or (positively) funny to dress up together? Is there a reason it is landing so overwhelmingly negatively with you? Past behavior? It seems like you expect it to come from a place of meanness or malignant intent. Which might very well be on brand, I don’t know! Just that’s not what I would assume unless there is more to it than this (highly likely since your comment is short!)

    6. RagingADHD*

      I seriously doubt they are wearing clothes *at* you. Grownups are also allowed to have silly jokes that make them happy.

      Do you normally spend time chatting / socializing with them and felt left out?

    8. LBD*

      Have there ever been days when some of them accidently wore matching outfits? Perhaps they realised that all of them had some form of the same outfit, and thought it would be funny if they all happened to wear them the same day? And then decided to make it happen? Would it feel less mean girl to you if you framed it that way?
      (Nothing you mention suggests that there is actually a mean girl vibe happening, but if there is and you just haven’t included it, please disregard my comment!)

  36. Dark Macadamia*

    I’m thinking I’d like to get a watch but prefer the daintiest option possible because I’m not really that into jewelry. Small round or oval face, leather band, analog display, under $200. My ideal is basically in Mad Men when Don gives Betty a watch and says it’s so small you have to be young to read it, lol.

    Right now I’m leaning toward the Fossil Carlie Mini in blush, but I’d prefer something even smaller with the same aesthetic if I can find it. Any suggestions?

    1. lurkyloo*

      Hi there. :) Have you tried secondhand? Some beautiful watches out there that are so incredibly dainty! I see them often in antique stores and on whatever secondhand marketplace you might use (in my case FB marketplace).

        1. KathyG*

          This. Some years ago I had a Bulova with a face that was 1/2″ – 3/4″ diameter. Every comment I ever received about it referenced how small it was.

    2. HannahS*

      I’d suggest a department store, and online you can sometimes filter by face size.

      I have the Carlie Mini, the one with the mother-of-pearl face on a navy leather strap. I like it a lot, and it looks normal-sized on my child-sized wrists, lol. The only way I’d imagine you can find smaller would be to buy a jewellery-inspired one–they can have very, very small faces–and then get a watch maker to switch the strap to something more minimal.

    3. Llellayena*

      If your goal is “not jewelry” would you be interested in a fob-style watch? I wear one that hangs on my belt loop. I don’t like wearing things on my wrists. Dakota Watch Company has several versions and sells on Amazon and many “outdoors” stores will carry them.

  37. Early Career Professional*

    I posted a few weeks ago asking about employee evaluations and the dynamics between myself and my manager. The situation shifted into we as staff have to fill out the evaluation (which seems counter intuitive, and no it isn’t a separate self evaluation) and I believe it will be reviewed and discussed with the employee, but it is pretty unclear. I work at a small nonprofit, so the Executive Director is also HR.

    I filled out the evaluation form but I don’t really know what the expectations are and it’s not really meant to be based on my expectations for my work performance, and there isn’t a super clear guide on what anyone is supposed to be doing. I do have a work plan but I put it together over 18 months ago with a supervisor who hasn’t been here in over a year and much of my normal work is on hold due to an issue with equipment, it has been a lot of managing an evolving situation and making decisions based on best practice and ethics. I have also received very limited feedback on my work, only positive, so I have really only been able to say I am exceeding expectations because even if there is a problem, it has never been addressed so there isn’t an opportunity to improve. I guess I am looking for suggestions on if there is a different way to think about filling out your own performance evaluation (or just confirmation that this isn’t a functional approach to the process). At this point, I wish I could go back to saying I have never been evaluated, because this is confusing.

    1. Pam Adams*

      I don’t like them either, but do them regularly. Clearly, there were outside issues, but it sounds like you worked well despite them. I usually say ‘exceeds expectations,’ with perhaps one ‘meets expectations’ to even things out. I do a short list or narrative of what I did over the term and and then throw in some goals for the next year.

  38. Unkempt Flatware*

    The Thanksgiving Day Parade– I just watched the “Indigenous Enterprise” performance and it was so beautiful. I wish the whole parade was more of this if it weren’t for the troublesome origins of this holiday. It makes me miss my home state of NM where we have the annual Gathering of the Nations. It gives me chills to see traditions being carried on. I have similar reactions to watching a Haka. So moving.

    1. lurkyloo*

      I feel that! I work with Indigenous in Canada and every time I am invited to hear them sing or drum, I start crying. <3 At least where I live, much progress is being made and I wish it were that way across the country.

  39. Lady Danbury*

    Suggestion to combat SAD/improve your work environment: I recently set up a digital picture frame in my office and it has been such a delight! Because the pictures are constantly changing, I consciously look at it frequently (unlike my framed pics which have become background noise). Every time I see a picture, it reminds me of the wonderful people in my life and the fun times we had making the memories pictured. I didn’t expect it to have this much impact on my day to day wellbeing, almost like a visual gratitude journal.

    1. Two cents*

      This might be a perfect idea for that Doom Calendar thing! Maybe too expensive, though. But thanks for passing the idea along in general. I like it. :)

    2. Librarian for Babies*

      I recently found an app for iphone that does something similar. It’s called Stumble and it will pull up a random photo for me from my photo library each time I open the app. It always brings a smile to my face!

  40. Sarashina*

    Hi everyone! I just wanted to thank you for all the great advice you gave me last week when I was preparing to fire someone for misconduct. It went about as well as it could have – by which I mean it was terrible and I hope I never have to do it again, but all the practicing I did paid off, I got through all the info I needed to provide, and then I was able to hand it off to HR. I’m so grateful you folks were here to help me prepare. I hope you’re all having a restful holiday!

    2. LBD*

      I am so glad that you updated us, and even more glad that you are able to feel that you had done it to a high standard. Your compassion and humanity shine through in both this and your original post. You are what a manager or leader needs to be.

  41. theinone*

    Happy parade day! Marching in the Macys parade is the most fun Thanksgiving I’ve ever had, but let me tell you, I’m not missing those 2 AM Herald Square run throughs right now…

      1. theinone*

        I was part of the high school audition band, the Macy’s Great American Marching Band, my senior year of high school a couple years ago. We all got to NYC (okay, NJ, since that was where we rehearsing/staying) on Saturday before the parade, rehearsed and did some sightseeing/touristy stuff Sunday through Wednesday (they took us to see Aladdin on Broadway- it was stunning!), and marched the parade!

        The day of the parade, you have to do a couple runthroughs in Herald Square for the TV crew so they know what shots to get. But this is WAY before the parade starts, so in the city that never sleeps, that winds up being at 2 or 3 AM (it goes in parade order, so the last band is going to be going latest…which is still way too early in the morning). After the runs, they took us all to Hard Rock and we got breakfast…I’m pretty sure everybody fell asleep on the tables.

        It was incredible being in the parade. There were so many people watching- you don’t really see it on TV, but people are absolutely packed in on the sidewalks, at least 10 deep in most places. And in the intersections, they’re probably at least 30 deep. The parade starts and stops a lot. There’s also a block or so right before Herald Square that’s completely silent so nothing messes up the broadcast audio- it’s eerily silent. Not even snare taps for timing.

        Oh, and for the Herald Square performance, I didn’t realize that we would be following pretty much exactly on the heels of the singers in front of us! They weren’t even done with their phrase when we stepped off. But we got our 75 seconds exact in the square, and then we were done! That performance, as soon as you see the bands exit the area, that’s literally it. Like 30 feet beyond it, the director gathered us in for a little speech, and then it was back to the busses.

        I had an absolute blast. I’m 90% sure I’m the only person from my school to ever go, and I was the only person from Oregon, maybe even the PNW, that year. But it was probably the best Thanksgiving I ever had.

    2. The Macy's parade*

      Old person anecdote here. I grew up in NYC and during my elementary school years my parents always took us kids downtown to watch the parade. (We called it “the Macy’s Day Parade” in my family.) One year when it was very cold we watched it from the 2nd floor of an office building on Broadway. Even though we were warm and there was a huge window, it was not nearly as satisfying as being on the sidewalk as the parade went by.

      When I was a college student, I had a part-time sales-floor job at Macy’s in Herald Square which allowed me to sign up to work the parade. They cast me as a street clown. I got there early on Thanksgiving morning and was togged out in a clown costume and makeup. My job was to run back and forth across the street (inbetween the floats and bands and balloons going by) and interact with little kids on the sidewalks. It was a lot of fun! But I only worked there that one year so I didn’t get to do it again.

  42. WoodswomanWrites*

    Happy Thanksgiving to all like me who are doing something untraditional for the holiday. I’ve already shared my own tradition of going on a solo birding trip. Let’s hear what you’re doing.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      Not so untraditional, except we’ve ended up doing the dinner tomorrow (Friday) due to weather and scheduling issues. So today is a laid back bonus prep day!

    2. Shiny Penny*

      Cooking steak later, eating chocolate now, and heading out to walk the dog and muck out the barn in the middle! The perfect holiday sandwich for me :)
      Enjoy the birds!

  43. Aggretsuko*

    I’m making myself a Doom Advent Calendar!

    My mom got sick for Thanksgiving. She sounded terrible and unable to go yesterday, so far is testing negative for covid as of last night, but I had to warn her she might test positive at any point in time. I’m still waiting on her to call me today, but I highly doubt she’s making it to Thanksgiving this year… again. Two years ago she broke her shoulder the day before and couldn’t go either, so I think she’s feeling cursed. “I think I hate Thanksgiving,” she said.

    This means I go to the relatives by myself, which is …weird. Sigh. Whatever, I guess.

    1. RagingADHD*

      There are a lot of respiratory viruses going around that aren’t covid, but if she’s sick, she’s sick and better off resting.

      I’m sorry she feels gross and hope you can take her some leftovers.

      2. Meep*

        This. My mom, dad, husband, and I all got the flu last week. My mom’s Minute Clinic nurse was SHOCKED since we got the vaccine (said it was her first case of this), but neither her nor my dad were very impressed by her.

        (For the record, for the flu vaccine is guessed based the opposite hemisphere. So Northern looks at the flu cases in the Southern hemisphere to determine the strain of vaccine to make. So this is NOT uncommon!)

  45. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

    So my company’s new security policy requires installing proprietary software so we can get behind their firewall. The instructions for installation is only accessible behind the firewall. Also, the install file we have to download is, wait for it, behind the firewall.

    And thus I spent half of yesterday on back and forth emails and calls explaining to IT why this is a problem with them not budging and my team twiddles their fingers, racking up billable hours of no work. I still had the old install file and old instructions on my old computer so fortunately those worked to get me behind the firewall and download the new stuff, which I then forwarded onto my team. Then I had other team leads begging me for the files, so I had to email them to everyone’s personal email since our work email access is locked behind the firewall. Information security!

    1. Two cents*

      I know these things are excruciatingly frustrating in the moment, but I hope you can find humor in it later! Because that’s the sort of thing you just can’t make up–in a book or TV show we’d all be accusing the writers of being lazy, but here in real life…

      Anyway, thank you for sharing!

      1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

        Honestly, this was the highlight of my week because it’s just so absurd. Even as I was banging my head on the desk I was laughing. Spouse works IT for a different employer and he’s already spread the tale around his office, which delighted everyone there in its absurdity.

    2. Observer*

      Oh my!

      This reminds me of the classic “all IT issues must be reported via email” with no carve-out for *email* not working. This used to be so common that when I wrote the problem reporting policy many years ago I had to specify that problems with email were an exception to that policy. People were amazed that I had thought to provide an alternative.

      But, yes, this is just the kind of story that becomes a company legend or part of someone’s toolkit of “war stories.”

      1. Nightengale*

        Oh yes I started in a graduate program where I lived in housing. The internet wasn’t working when I moved in. This was before smartphones. I tried to report the issue to IT in person but they wouldn’t take it. Fortunately I was able to use the computer in the library.

    3. Nightengale*

      I am a doctor. A few weeks ago, the person I report to in management wanted several of the doctors to look at some trainings she had been e-mailed by an outside person. We got firewalled with a notice that management had to OK our access. The person said we should ask our office managers to request this, so we did. However it turned out IT required not our office manager, not the person above her/me (the one who sent the original e-mails) but the Vice President above her to grant us access.

      For a professional training.

  46. Hiding from My Boss*

    Does anyone else’s boss start a team holiday text thread to personal phones wishing happy holiday so everyone is obliged to jump on?

    5. TheBunny*

      Egads that’s awful.

      I have the personal info of all members of my team/reports but I didn’t send any “Happy Thanksgiving” texts as that’s obnoxious and the last thing people need on a holiday is to feel obligated to chat with a boss.

    7. epicdemiologist*

      UGGGGGHHH. Thankfully the only time my boss uses team texts is when we’re in the field and have split up on separate assignments. Also our team is only 4 people.

  47. NoName*

    What’s a referee in the UK?
    And what’s the most tenuous connection you could have where you could still be a referee for a job applicant?
    I got asked to be one for a person who I’ve seen three times in my life, for 2h each time, and who has given one talk at my work. I declined being a referee and now want to make sure that was correct.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I would have thought from the construction that the person giving a reference would be the refer-er (or the reference), and the person asking for / getting the reference would be the referee. Like employer / employee.

      But maybe it’s different over there.

      1. NoName*

        Oh. Well it sounded very much like I was to give a reference. The person was applying and needed a second ‚referee‘. Maybe it was just meant to convey (wrongly): reference giver.
        But also I thought maybe a referee is something else, as in I somehow judge the candidacy like I am on a football field.
        I am not in the UK (nor the US). They can have quite wacky involved stuff for the public service (in my country it’s just write a letter saying you want the job).

        1. Mutually supportive*

          I’d agree that the word is being used incorrectly in the request to you, and it sounds like you’ve done the right thing if you don’t really know the person well enough.

        2. londonedit*

          I think they were probably using ‘reference’ incorrectly. Yes, of course, a ‘referee’ generally means football (soccer) here, but no one would ever use that context for job applications! We’re not totally mad. I think the person meant that they wanted you to give them a reference, and I don’t think you were wrong at all to decline if you’d only met them a couple of times. Most of the time, references should come from a current manager (generally you only give the names of your references once you’ve accepted the job) and one or two previous managers (or colleagues at a push).

          1. Bertie Bee*

            Referee in this usage is very typical and widely used in British English. It’s the normal usage I have encountered – people using “reference” in this context sound extremely American to me. I’m stunned that you would not be aware of this as an editor. Maybe it’s a weird London thing?

            1. londonedit*

              Well, sorry for ‘stunning’ you – that’s quite an extreme reaction! I’ve just commented below that I definitely got this one wrong – in my pre-coffee state I got derailed by the idea that in the UK we’d somehow expect people to give references as if they were refereeing a football match, and the fact that we do use ‘reference’ and ‘referee’ interchangeably temporarily fell out of my brain.

              Worry not, I’m off to hand in my resignation to my boss seeing as you think I’m not fit to be an editor. Happy Friday!

      2. Cordelia*

        yes actually what you say sounds right! Referrer, referee. I hadn’t thought of it like that. But I’m in the UK, and the referee is the one providing the reference, although I think I would usually call them “my references” rather than “my referees”. Now that sounds wrong too…but anyway, OP, you did the right thing

      3. British Bee*

        Yes, the usage is different here. In British English, “referee” means one willing and able to provide a reference (dictionary definition: “a person willing to testify in writing about the character or ability of someone, especially an applicant for a job”). Job applicants are usually asked to provide names and contact info for their referees.

        1. londonedit*

          Now I think about it, you’re right! When I wrote my earlier comment (pre-coffee) I got the mention of football referees stuck in my head and couldn’t get past that, but yes, in job terms a reference can definitely be described as coming from a referee.

    2. Lexi Vipond*

      I hadn’t thought about the analogy with ’employee’ – I see what you mean, and it would be lovely if English was so logical, but it never is.

      Broadly, a referee is a person who has something referred to them, for a decision or for expert comments – whether that’s an event in a sports match, or a scientific paper which might be published, or a query about the suitability of a person for a post.

      So yes, in this context it’s the person who would give a reference.

      Apologies if you didn’t want the whole language lesson – I’m just a language geek!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        yikes I’d have interpreted that 100% opposite.
        A referrer gives a reference.
        A refer-ee is referred.

        Sounds like a good word to avoid.

    3. TomaytoTomahto*

      This is case where a verbal distinction doesn’t carry over into writing. It’s a difference of which syllable is stressed – ref-a-ree vs ree-fur-ee. The default reading interpretation for most people is the former but this instance means the later.

  48. NoName*

    Oh, and I have a work joy from today – slash public service announcement!
    I copied something in word and then deleted it and saved the file. When wanting to paste it into a new file, nothing came up.
    I was able to restore a 8h old version of the whole folder that held all these files, so I had access again to the document which still had the deleted text!!
    You press ‚properties‘ of the folder, then ‚prior versions‘!

  49. acmx*

    Two questions:

    1. I’m participating in an ornament exchange. Any suggestions on what to get or where? I’d prefer not Amzn to narrow down choices. I am not good at picking things for group activities (swaps, white elephant/secret Santa). My choices are usually failures lol

    2. What’s your favorite book related item (bookmark, book light, book themed stickers etc)?

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      If you have any Christmas craft fairs near you, there are usually folks who sell ornaments at those. Failing that, I find Michael’s has a surprisingly eclectic selection of ornaments. If you’re Canadian, Canadian Tire also has a ton of stuff. Both have stuff ranging from traditional to wacky, so depending on your audience you’re likely to find something that works.

    2. Lady Danbury*

      1. Something local would be fun. Craft/farmers markets often have handmade items, but tourist attractions also sell them around this time of year. Look for something that appeals to you (ie not too cheap or cheesy looking) and it’ll probably appeal to someone else.

      2. Clip on book lights are fun. I also have a book pillow and a tequlia mockingbird book themed cocktail book saved in my amazon wish list

    3. Ugh-my head*

      Art museum gift shops always have cool ornaments. Botanical gardens. You can usually get into the shop without paying admission.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        They also have the best jewelry. I’ve gotten most of my favorite earrings from museums!

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I have a big collection of postcards that I use as bookmarks. I try to match the picture thematically to the book. For instance, for one of my Shirley Jackson books, the postcard is a nightwatchman type in a morgue-type setting walking along a row of upright coffins and spotting one occupied one–with said occupant using a candle to read.

    9. RLC*

      1. I’ve found wonderful ornaments at local garden centers; all the independent ones in my area sell unique Christmas decorations. Ornaments of cute birds, sparkly snowflakes, or flowers are usually widely appreciated.
      2. Bookmarks or bookplates are my favorite to receive! Seems I never have enough bookmarks.

    10. Just a name*

      Our local art museum/garden/ has a local artist Christmas market with all kinds of ornaments so maybe something like that?

    11. Higher-ed Jessica*

      2. Definitely book darts! Visit bookdarts dot com and you will understand their greatness for yourself. Not very expensive, mildly unusual, super helpful gift for a reader.

    12. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

      You have received great suggestions for ornaments. For books, I like enamel or badge pins with library/reading themes, stickers, and smallish, washable cloth tote bags for the library or non-grocery shopping.

    14. BookGifts*

      I don’t know if they still sell these as I haven’t seen one in ages, but I loved my book sleeves (not sure what they were officially called). They were essentially waterproof book covers with built in bookmark ribbons and room to store a few cards/some cash. They fit an oversized mass market paperback (maybe they came in other sizes too?). You essentially slid each cover into a sleeve and then the whole thing closed and could be easily opened/closed while protecting the book in backpacks/bags and from weather. They also acted as a privacy shield for those who cared about that.

      I had three in different colors. I paid <$10 each (part of me thinks maybe closer to $5, but definitely <$10) maybe 30 years ago?

    15. Evan88*

      I got a book scratch off poster for my daughter one year. It’s 100 boxes with the name of a novel printed underneath. As you read them, you scratch off the little box to reveal the cover of the book. It was really neat.

    16. acmx*

      Thanks for the ornament ideas! I feel like when I get creative it’s not well received (as in I don’t buy a round ornament not ornament made of lint).
      The main botanical garden I frequent does not have a gift shop anymore! It’s a coffee shop that sells it’s own merch I guess. Even though I’ve gone to Michaels often for stocking stuffers, I didn’t know that they had ornaments (because I do not need more of my own!).

      Love the book gift ideas esp the book cover as I tried to make a simple sleeve during COVID and then gave up lol Not finding the inexpensive ones but etsy has looks of cute ones. I probably did not need to find these. LOL

  50. Ugh-my head*

    I’m spending Thanksgiving in bed with covid. I would love some suggestions of brainless streaming content. Bonus points if it doesn’t matter if my eyes are open.
    I have Disney+, Hulu, Amazon, and Apple.
    So far, I’ve watched a documentary about John Williams, vintage-crochet videos, and LegoMasters.
    I’m looking for vaguely interesting but not much plot.

    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Assuming you’ve already seen them, I find the extended editions of Lord of the Rings perfect for this. Obviously there’s plot, but on rewatch it’s fine to not pay strict attention. And since there are three of them and they’re super long, they’re perfect for just queuing up and staying put.

    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      I watched all of Ms Marvel on Disney+ last year. It’s only 6 episodes, requires minimal knowledge of other Marvel stuff and is a lot of fun.
      Two other Disney+ recommendations:
      If you’re into action films, Prey. (Predator vs Native Americans in the 1700s – no previous knowledge of Predator films required.)
      If you’re into romantic comedies, Rye Lane. Fun and sweet London take on the “two people spend the day together and fall for each other” story.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Bob’s Burgers. We recently started watching it and I find it a riot.

      Amazon Prime has channels streaming MST3K and Rifftrax! You just click on them and whatever’s playing at the moment comes up. You can’t pause or rewind, though.

    6. Hiding from My Boss*

      check out Tubi. It’s free and has tons of content, movies & TV shows. if you fall asleep, you can always start it again when your brain is awake.

    9. Anonymous Cat*

      Young Sheldon is entertaining!

      It has a spin-off called Georgie and Mandy’s First Marriage that’s fun but there’s only 4 or 5 eps at this point.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Rocky Kanaka’s “Sitting with dogs” on YouTube.

      His voice soothes me as much as the dogs he is bringing out of the fear state.

    12. KathyG*

      Amazon has the first two seasons of The Beverly Hillbillies, including the pilot.

      Amazon also has The Carol Burnett show (11 seasons), although the episodes have been edited down to 26 minutes.

  51. Jules the First*

    I have at least three days to fill while I wait for the horrible inevitable medical crap to happen. I can’t work (doc’s orders) and I can’t pull my kid out of daycare to entertain me. I’ve not had three days (possibly longer!) with no plan and no agenda since pre-covid. What should I do?

    3. Shiny Penny*

      Whatever helps to soothe the soul!
      Things that help me mentally cope with the impending-ness (not to say Looming Doom) of impending medical crap: Being outside (even just sitting if I’m unable to walk). Re-reading a favorite book. Shopping online for small things that make me happy or that could conceivably improve my quality to daily life during recovery (if recovery might be icky)— finding the perfect next notebook, the best eraser, the perfect next-gen little pocket flashlight, 6 more used books on My Favorite Topic. Playing an online game repetitively.
      These are the things that I enjoy, that suck me in, and that make my brain forget everything else.
      (Online shopping, for me, can get my brain fully into what Temple Grandin has referred to as SEEK mode— hunting with full attention, which is so convenient when I’m trying not to think about Impending Doom…)

      Sending good thoughts that everything goes really smoothly, and you can get back to your real life very quickly!

  52. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Have any of your families invented dishes or drinks on the fly? And what was it? did it work?

    One of my grade school family members just made a “paralyzing potion” that we might repeat! Raspberries, persimmon slices, a shell (pasta, ground back into flour), sugar, water. Boil it, mash it, serve it in a glass. :) Next time I’ll be prepared with a little adult beverage to add.

    1. Le le lemon*

      You had me at all of those ingredients until the ground pasta shell. Sorry, what?! :) :) :)

      Peanut butter chocolate Oreo brownie slice is mine. Cheat version: make packet mix brownies, and sink whole Oreos into the raw batter (in a way that will let you cut pieces later). Bake. Topping: melt peanut butter and chocolate (carefully), add in crushed Oreos, and use as a topping. Into the fridge to set.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We were all dubious too, but it pretty much just a bit of thickener.

        I like your brownie concoction!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My dad used to make what he called “daddy slop.” As I recall, it was basically just ground beef in creamed corn. I don’t remember anything else in it, or even any seasonings. It was … not popular. :-P

    3. not my usual self*

      I occasionally have leftover fresh orange juice from recipes, and my husband and I have taken to making a Tequila Sunrise variation in these cases, with pomegranate molasses instead of grenadine since we have the former but not the latter. We call the drink “Drops of Jupiter” because of the appearance.

  53. I don’t post often*

    I’m a mom of one child. Anyone else taking carloads of stuff to donation centers while well meaning individuals want to get your kid a “special” gift with 30,000 pieces that will just take the donation center in 6 months?

    I’m exhausted. I’ve reached the conclusion it’s better not to have so much stuff to start with but the more I haul away, it just comes right back into the house. Has anyone else stopped this cycle???

    Thank you for letting me complain. Anyone I would complain too is someone that is buying my kid STUFF. I don’t want to seem ungrateful!

    1. HannahS*

      Lol I just had this conversation twice in the last week. The only thing I’ve managed is to direct other people’s generosity by asking for specific things, and only for the one relative who would be inclined to buy a million “I saw this quirky thing, and I thought of you!” gifts. My child’s grandparents are the worst offenders. I think my MIL, bless her, gave us five gifts this weekend, just because.

      Reading advice columns, I think it’s just…the State of Things. This is a stuff-obsessed society, and it’s hard for one person to just opt out, especially on behalf of one’s child. I try to take comfort in knowing that suffering as a result of other people wanting to give my child gifts is not the worst problem to have, and it’s a pleasure of old age that I can give them. Usually that thought chills me out, but year, every so often I want to scream and chuck it all out. So, sympathy.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        My parents, mostly my mother, always insisted that every new toy had to be offset by something else going to the community center in the next town over.
        By the time I was old enough to remember, I was involved in choosing Which Toy, but it had to be Something.

      2. I don’t post often*

        You are speaking my language. I feel a tiny bit terrible that I just convinced grandparent to give a gift card to a skating rink instead of one of those Barbie sets. Two years ago, my child told me she didn’t play with her Barbie’s because she had so many sets, clothes, and stuffs she got overwhelmed. I loaded up half the items and took them to a local mission house. Kiddo could then see what she had and actually played with it.

        So while I feel bad someone doesn’t get to see her open a toy, I know it’s better for us all.

        1. pensive persimmon*

          send lots of pics to grandparent of kid enjoy the gift; arrange to have the kid call grandparent afterwards to say how fun it was. People give stuff because it’s easy, there’s advertising, and grandparent imagines hours of fun for kid. Show the grandparent hours of fun in other ways!

      3. Sitting Pretty*

        It definitely eases up as they get older. My son is 18 now and while he still gets occasional puzzles, game, or toys (usually something referring a show or video game he’s into with his friends) the amount of stuff coming in is so very much less now. It dropped off around the time he started middle school I think, though there were still a few years of Magic the Gathering and D&D gifts coming in.

        I just this summer, with his approval, went through his whole room and purged heaps of toys, keeping aside a few special ones. It was cathartic. And it opened up space in his closet for the special-occasion clothes that live on actual hangers, things he’s wearing a lot more of now!

        It really is hard to train people away from toy and kit gifts. Folks want to give SOMEthing and they don’t believe you when you say your kids had 10x the stuff they need or can even enjoy.

      4. Meep*

        I wish that works on my family.

        I actually disliked Christmas or my birthday with my paternal side growing up, because my grandmother always gives us things she likes (no 8-year-old wants a Christ theme watch) and my aunts and uncles always make me feel guilty for “how hard I am to shop for” so “here is a gift card”.

        I could give them the exact S/N of the thing I wanted and they would STILL insist they didn’t want to get the “wrong one” – namely, they get gift cards the day before as an afterthought, and decide shaming children is the way to go. Their own kids now do it too!

        So glad I am an adult, frankly. I get people want to APPEAR generous and thoughtful, but I would rather have nothing at all from these people.

    2. Hiding from My Boss*

      you don’t say age of child, but you made me fondly remember my childhood raggedly anne and andy dolls.

    3. Hypatia*

      Can you direct the gift givers into giving experiences instead? a science or children’s museum membership, a day out with special person, a day at an art center painting pottery, or baking together? There will always be little plastic junk floating around ( looking at you, treat bags from school parties!), but if you’re lucky, some people will follow through with experience based presents.
      Also, once presents come in the house, put them aside. Do not open them if you can avoid it. Be vague about whether kid played with it – just say stuff like, “kid was so happy you thought of them. ” and change subject. You control what’s in your house. If it’s someone who would be really offended, suggest they keep that special present at their house so when kid visits, they can play together.

      1. Meep*

        +1 This is what my parents did for all my cousins on my dad’s side. They actually said they liked it more than any gifts that they got from their parents and other aunts/uncles since stuff comes and goes, but the experience of spending time doing things like Go Karts or Indoor Sky Diving sticks longer.

    4. Random Academic Cog*

      I review all of our gifts with my kids before I gift them. Some are “take home” gifts and some end up being “Grandma’s house” gifts. That’s not nearly as helpful if family doesn’t live close enough that the kids still get to enjoy the gifts, but it’s an option for some. I also pay attention to things the kids ask for, which admittedly can result in some odd choices. A recent birthday present was VERY quirky, but when mom expressed confusion over the gift, he immediately confirmed that he specifically asked for that item.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, when my son was smaller, he often asked the grandparents to take most of the toys to their houses so he’d have something new to play with when he went there. My MIL often picked him up from daycare if I had to work a longer day and he had sleepovers at my parents’ house about once every two months so my husband and I could have date nights. I’m not saying they saved our marriage, but they certainly helped us center our relationship and see each other as partners in a loving marriage rather than merely parents.

        He’s 15 now and all he wants is money. He stopped playing with toys when he was about 11, although he still enjoys playing games, both board games and on the computer, phone, or ps5.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      My first couple years as a parent this stressed me out SO MUCH. I’ve had more success adjusting my own thinking than trying to stop the stuff, unfortunately, but here are some ideas for both?

      Routines for the stuff you already have:

      – Get a big bin and fill it with toys that aren’t played with as often. Swap toys once a month (they have to put in an equivalent size/amount of toys to take one out).

      – Involve the kid in donating when they’re old enough. I usually do this Thanksgiving weekend as a gratitude activity where we appreciate how much we have and choose at least 1 thing to donate (or fill a small box if they try to do just like Happy Meal prizes lol). I make a point of thanking my kids for being so generous and talking about how much the toy’s next owner will enjoy it.

      Trying to curb the stuff:

      – Set a gift limit. For us people can give 2 gifts per kid on their birthday and Christmas, 1 gift on other holidays. At first my MIL tried to get cute with stuff like “oh but this huge Easter basket full of 4 stuffed animals 2 dresses and a pound of candy is technically just one gift” or “suddenly Grandpa and Grandma give gifts separately so you get twice as many as you said would be okay.” I feel like it calmed down a bit as the kids got older, but I also stopped counting.

      – Let them get as much stuff as they want… to keep at their own house. This is probably what has worked the best. Impulse buys are “for when we visit” gifts that stay at the giver’s house. Stays fun because it’s a novelty and also reduces how much gets purchased because shockingly people don’t want to buy as much crap when it’s going to be on their own floor!

      – Give ideas and lean on collections/experiences. Legos or something where just having more in the existing bin is not a big deal. Consumables like craft or cooking kits that get used up. Membership to the zoo (bonus if they get to go to the zoo with you!). etc

    6. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

      My sibling specifically assigned me to be the giver of books. Additionally, I bought a local museum membership for her family one year when I was on a particularly “give gifts of experience” kick. Every Thanksgiving, I check in with them to see if they would like to have it renewed or switched to something different. So far, it’s been renewed for 5+ years.

    7. Dr. Doll*

      My sympathies. I don’t have kids, but my husband is gleefully planning Hannukah presents for his three small grandchildren. I think i might try to steer him towards paper rather than plastic, at least.

    8. epicdemiologist*

      Depending on kid’s age, could you request experiences instead of presents? Kid might love a trip to a museum, a concert, the park, an outing for ice cream, skating, whatever, and many of these are reasonably priced. They also foster an actual relationship with the giver, and they DON’T TAKE UP SPACE OR FILL YOUR HOUSE WITH TINY PIECES OF CRAP! (Also books, but I’m aware not everyone’s kids are into books. Also music.)

    9. My Brain is Exploding*

      Sometimes you can channel what the kid likes to play with into clothes, which they might actually need…so super hero jammies, dog slippers, etc.

    10. KathyG*

      Another vote for experiences here. My daughter & her partner are rt barely scraping by with keeping a roof over their heads, so my gifts are things like swimming lessons & weekly gymnastics club, plus boring things like good winter boots. Other Grandma can add to the mountain of toys if she wants, somehow I’ve been named the fun Grandma anyhow!

  54. Shipbuilding Techniques*

    I just became a manager a few months ago, so I am reading a lot of old posts on the topic of managerial feedback. Here is a quote from the comment section of a 2016 post:
    “As a manager, we have to be extremely careful in how we give feedback.  There is no right way to do it, but there are plenty of wrong ways.  “People have been saying you’re doing X.  I can’t say who, but that’s what I heard”  “I heard that you were doing X.  I don’t have any specific examples or context of this behavior, but stop doing it.”  “I don’t have any issue with X, but I heard Higher-Up did so it’s up to you to figure that out.”  The wrong delivery can mess with someone’s mind and trip him/her up.”

    I am kind of running into this situation, where, by word of mouth, I hear of one of my direct reports performing suboptimally on something that was assigned to her. What is a good way to handle this? Go to someone involved with the assignment to verify the story first and then bring it up to her directly? Bring it up non-specifically, i.e., “hey I want all of us on the team to start focusing on ‘no more typos’ for this quarter!” I feel like we have a work culture of not giving direct feedback to each other, which is why I’m getting it through the grapevine. I don’t want to be the bad manager as described above, though!

    1. WellRed*

      I think you need to handle it directly. Di you have direct oversight of her work? You should be assessing it I’m guessing you’re still very new in the role). One thing you should not do is the vague address to the group. You’re asking the right questions about managing better. Good luck!

    2. Shiny Penny*

      Can you arrange to have a good view of the situation where Thing X is supposedly happening, so you could see it firsthand? Ie, work within earshot if it’s customer interface, or review her documents if it’s typos? Then you would have the opportunity to do the straightforward/low drama “Hey I noticed X, and just wanted to clarify that we actually need Z. Do you need more info on how to shift to Z?”
      I’ve also seen Allison talking about needing to have objective ways to measure and assess an employee’s work, which then provides a built in opportunity to give improvement feedback.
      Maybe reading some of Alison’s thoughts on how managers can evaluate the success of WFH employees (*without* requiring spy cameras!) might be helpful to your situation, if you are not in a position to “arrange to witness” Thing X yourself?

    3. Observer*

      Go to someone involved with the assignment to verify the story first and then bring it up to her directly?

      Maybe. You absolutely need to get specifics. If you can verify, that’s good. If not, then you need to be open to hearing that it’s not actually a problem and X is what is really happening. But whatever you do, bring it up directly.

      Bring it up non-specifically, i.e., “hey I want all of us on the team to start focusing on ‘no more typos’ for this quarter!”

      Absolutely not. If you do it to everyone, then people are going to learn to ignore what you tell them, or they will be worrying over issues that are not relevant to the. Feedback needs to be relevant and actionable. If it’s not actionable, then you have to have a REALLY good reason to provide it. “treat everyone the exact same way regardless of circumstances” is *not* a good reason at all. In fact, it’s a very bad reason.

    4. Random Academic Cog*

      Whenever I hear this sort of grapevine feedback about something that definitely needs to be addressed, I find ways to confirm it for myself. Reviewing emails or documentation, inserting myself into meetings, modifying an internal process if it would make sense separately from the concerns. I try to keep an eye on things, but I’m not in the middle of the day-to-day work, that’s no longer my job, so I count on others to bring concerns to my attention. At the same time, I do everything I can to protect the messenger (presuming it’s not some petty crap that boils down to personality conflicts).

    5. Little Miss Sunshine*

      I manage a team who work on projects managed by others so I get a lot of feedback in this way. I try to address it directly with the person in a constructive way, because perception matters. Some things I consider are how many sources are giving me the same type of feedback, what the employee has been sharing with me about their challenges, what is within the employee’s control versus circumstances conspiring against them. Sometimes its personality clashes, which are tougher to manage and navigate. Either way, its important for people to understand how they are being perceived and to learn how to manage that.

      I try to be straightforward and share when I am hearing the same thing from multiple people. If it is a one-off I try to work with the person giving me the feedback to help understand context. Its still a judgement call but when you think the feedback is important for the employee to manage, you have to be direct about it.

    6. Shipbuilding Techniques*

      Thank you so much for the responses, all–yes I am a brand new manager, not by my own volition, and your perspectives have helped me more than you can know!! Lol, I probably would have done the whole team message if left to my own devices. (I need to work through my discomfort with giving direct feedback.)

  55. Aphrodite*

    My Thanksgiving is complete. I just finished watching HANNAH AND HER SISTERS, a movie I try to watch every Thanksgiving day. It’s so crazy and wild and so full of family dysfunction, and I love it. Now I feel I can move on to Christmas wonderfulness.

  56. WheresMyPen*

    Any good podcast recommendations? My feed needs a refresh. I like funny, interesting, bit of true crime/mystery, limited series about a case or investigation, bit of lifestyle… My faves in the past have been Criminal, Anatomy of Murder, Futility Closet, Life Changing, Love to Sew, Sewing Club, Sometimes Funny, Always Awkward etc.

    1. Emac*

      No Such Thing as a Fish! It’s funny and interesting. The first few are a bit rough, but they find their feet after that and now have been going for 10 years.

    2. Uisce chick*

      The Ring In, which is season 1 on Dig, about a really inept horse racing scheme, and Stuff the British Stole, the history of pillaged objects

    3. epicdemiologist*

      Sawbones, which is a medical history podcast by a physician and her comedian husband (Sydnee & Justin McElroy). Sometimes they also do episodes on current quackery.

    4. Goldfeesh*

      I’ve been finding I’ve been recommending The JV Club by Janet Varney. She interviews various people, usually relating to acting/sci-fi/fandom, about their high school experiences. She then does the MASH game with them. I haven’t listened to most of them, but the ones I’ve listened to I like. She’s just such a positive and real-seeming person. I see someone mentioned Sawbones- she has interviewed by Justin and Sydnee.

      For crime/mystery- Undisclosed podcast hosted by Rabia Chaudry, Susan Simpson and Colin Miller. They investigate wrongful convictions and have helped multiple wrongly incarcerated people.

      Susan Simpson also has Proof: A True Crime podcast. It’s similar to Undisclosed. She’s only had two seasons so far, but the first season was amazing.

      Because Rabia Chaudry isn’t busy enough- she currently (among various things) hosts Mystery Hour. She reads short stories from The Alfred Hitchcock and Ellery Queen Mystery Magazines. I’ve never gotten into listening to books like on Audible, but I enjoy this show- she has a great reading voice.

  57. Emac*

    Suggestions of Christmas presents for parents who always say they don’t want anything and have no hobbies? They’re not tech-y people and mostly just watch crime dramas all day. They don’t read or drink, either. It doesn’t have to be anything big – they’d probably be more upset if they thought I’d spent a lot on them.

    1. My Day (they/them)*

      A gift card for a streaming service subscription they don’t have, like Britbox or something like that?

    2. Slinky*

      My dad is like this. He and my stepmom are also talking about moving soon, so they’re trying not to accumulate a lot of new possessions. I’ve been giving them consumable gifts the last few years, especially local products. For example, there’s a farm stand near me that makes a homemade mixer, which could be added to an alcoholic drink or just plain seltzer. I gave them a few bottles of that last year. This year, I was thinking of sending them some popcorn from Poppy (an Asheville company; they can use all the business they can get this year!).

      1. Little Miss Sunshine*

        I second the recommendation for consumables. I gave my mom a brunch from Wolferman’s one year. Spoonful of Comfort is another sure winner. Lots of options in different price ranges.

    3. Twister*

      Nice cosy socks? New comfy pyjamas? A throw blanket for the couch? Candles? Plants? A hamper of festive treats? A subscription to a cheese/tea/chocolate of the month service?

    4. I don’t post often*

      We do fruit baskets for the older folks in our lives. Our local grocery store does them for pickup or we’ve used one of the many gift basket services.

    5. Irish Teacher.*

      Chocolates, scarves, something for the house? A picture, a clock, something like that. A box set of crime dramas?

  59. Defying pedantry*

    If you notice a friend’s typo/grammatical/other error, do you (privately) let them know? For example, my friend runs a small custom baked goods business. Part of generating sales involves posting on social media. If she uses “cold face” when what she means is “coal face,” should I tell her? I’m not worried that she’d get angry or upset with me, but I wonder if this type of pedantry only matters to a small section of the population and drawing her attention to it would make her feel self conscious

    What say you all?

    side note- what is your favourite mangled saying? Mine is a fashion columnist who used the phrase “mutton dressed as sheep”

    1. HannahS*

      Mutton dressed as sheep is hilarious!

      I get mildly peeved about all those kinds of things, and it puts me off the business. But I think that I’m very much in the minority, and I wouldn’t say anything if it was my friend.

      The one I find particularly grating is “Yay or Nay.” It’s YEA. YEA is an older English term for YES. “Yea or nay” is literally just “yes or no” not “are we cheering for this, or saying nay?” ARGH!!! (Phew, I feel better with that off my chest.)

      1. allathian*

        Yea and nay are actually the closest spelling in English to the old Norse equivalents. The modern Swedish equivalents are ja (with a soft j, yah) and nej (pronounced nay).

    2. Filosofickle*

      Recently I read “unsolicited advice is criticism” and…yeah.

      I have a friend who is self-employed and makes a fair number of errors in her emails / newsletters etc. Because I notice everything, I asked her if she wanted this kind of feedback from me and she said thanks but no thanks! It helps her mentally to accept flaws and be okay with that. We did agree that if if the error was something like misspelling someone’s name, she did want to hear that. In your particular example (fun fact: that’s called an egg corn), that’s the kind of linguistic mixup that very few people care about. One of the funnier ones I’ve seen is laughing stalk.

    3. Shipbuilding Techniques*

      I have a hard time keeping a straight face in meetings when people say we need to “flush out” our message or plan or whatever.

  60. TypoPolice*

    If it’s something that can be fixed and my friend hasn’t been hostile to such notes in the past I’ll say something. If it’s something like Twitter/X where you can’t edit I don’t see the point – chances are it was a typo or auto-correct plus unless it’s a very common word/phrase how likely is it to be used again in the future?

    I say this as someone who notices all of them. I am the last reviewer at work because I’ll find a dozen things after everyone else has glanced at it and signed off.

  61. Meep*

    A little late (or early), but the Friday thread doesn’t really fit and it is a “free-for-all”. Tomorrow we are having a baby shower (since the idea was all the family was in town for Thanksgiving anyway) and my mother-in-law, of course, invited her friends. Both her friends are a good 10-15 years younger than her, but apparently assumed the baby shower was just a hen fest so they invited their 19-22 year old daughters over their husbands.

    Here is where it gets fun!

    About a month and a half ago, one of these two friends, I will call S, had a birthday party where MIL brought her younger son, R, as her designated driver as a ploy to introduce him to her friend’s K’s daughter, Lia. I mention her name, because this is important. Basically, though, MIL wants lots of grandkids and was informed, we are probably going to have one so she is trying to set up her eternal bachelor son with anyone who breathes. Even at the expense of her friendships, I suppose.

    Lia was rightfully not interested in R. He is a bit of a blowhard and only talks about himself. She is also apparently 21 years old and he is 28 years old so very different points in their lives with her just trying to finish college and get a job next year. So she exited with some excuse about how her brother was feeling down and she was going to hang out with him. Which, most ladies will understand is a polite excuse.

    A week later, he managed to convince her to go on a coffee date through their moms (despite him drinking neither coffee nor tea or any hot beverage – why yes he ordered the free water and didn’t pay for hers. Why do you ask?). Afterwards, my husband and I were treated to some rather interesting… analysis of poor Lia. Like how she was a stoner and he didn’t know if he liked that. (Ya’ll, this man goes to raves weekly where he takes much harder drugs!) Or how she is young, but she will bring out his “goofy side”. (He is a goof alright. Not in the fun way, though. He has zero sense of humor.) Complaining about how shy/guarded she was. (Did you even let her speak?) Basically, he was acting like hot sh*t who was rating her potential as a partner and “unless she had any major red flags” he would date her. You know, completely ignoring her potential feelings on the matter.

    Long story short, she ghosted him afterwards and he has been sad since. Politer than I would’ve been to him, tbh.

    BUT GUYS! HERE IS THE BEST PART!!! She is coming as K’s plus one and her name is Claudia! Not Lia! Dumb*** got her name wrong and doesn’t know she is coming! I am wheezing.

    I cannot wait until tomorrow. If she doesn’t come ready to slay, looking fabulous, I am going to be soooo disappointed. Please, girl, cause all the drama. Make this shower as messy as you please. You’ve earned it!

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