the potluck magician, the apricot thief, and other stories of holidays at work

by Alison Green on November 27, 2024

It’s more holiday stories! Tradition dictates that as we head into the holiday season, we must revisit holiday stories previously shared by readers. Here are some favorites.

1. The magic

I once worked at a small nonprofit with a lot of team spirit — people truly seemed to love staff gatherings, staff outings, etc. We voluntarily did all-staff potlucks two or three times per year, people often brought in treats for each other’s birthdays, etc. Except for a coworker who I will refer to ask Magic Mike. Magic Mike was an enthusiastic participant in all of these gatherings but insisted he didn’t know how to cook or bake at all. Instead of doing the logical thing and just bringing store-bought treats or beverages, on multiple occasions he brought … magic. To the potluck. As in, after everyone had their plates and was enjoying the food and socializing, he would call for everyone’s attention and perform magic tricks as his contribution. So all of us who had taken the time to buy groceries, cook something special, and shlep it into the office had to stop enjoying the party to watch Magic Mike perform.  (2022)

2. The skeletons

I was working from home on Halloween when an email was sent to the whole department about free Halloween goodie bags for everyone in the office. Which was then closely followed by an email explaining that the skeletons were not edible! I spent the rest of the day imagining different ways someone might accidentally eat a plastic skeleton.  (2023)

3. The audit manuals

We were doing one of those stealing swaps and someone picked and opened a large box. Which turned out to contain one of our (very extensive) audit manuals! The person who gave the gift was out sick and none of us could understand the gift at all. A third person nicely stole it and that was the end of that (or so we thought).

The next time the gift giver was in, they innocently asked the final holder of the manual if they had enjoyed the movie theater certificates. Turns out there was about $50 worth of free tickets hidden IN the audit manual which has been returned to the reference shelf with all the OTHER COPIES! There was a grand hunt which finally unearthed the certificates.  (2023)

4. The jazz casserole

I worked with a very sweet older lady who always hyped up her special casserole for potlucks in this same way. She called it ‘Jazz!!’ casserole and always made jazz-hands when she said the name, which she pronounced with a drawn out A sound, like she was in the cast of Chicago doing a musical number. It was basically pasta and cream of mushroom soup, super boring and not jazzy at all. She was so sweet that everyone took a little bit to be mannerly and told her it was good, which meant that she kept on bringing it to every potluck until she retired.  (2022)

5. The bread pudding

I make an awesome bread pudding, if I do say so myself. The reason it’s so awesome is I make it using pound cake. At a long ago job, I took it to the first holiday potluck I attended there. I brought along copies of the recipe because hey, someone always asks for it. The wicked witch of the finance department (I’ve worked with many lovely finance departments — she drove off so many employees in her department, including three finance directors in the five years I worked there, but that’s another story) raised a stink about how it was NOT bread pudding – it had no bread! And there is no such thing as cake pudding, what was I trying to pull? She accused me of trying to invent something and it just shouldn’t be done, especially at a potluck where if you sign up for a dessert, you must bring a traditional potluck dessert, not something made up!

In the days ahead, she filed a complaint with HR as after reading the recipe closely, she discovered I used a boxed pound cake mix and recommended a specific generic brand that, in my opinion, made a fantastic pound cake. The HR director danced around a strong suggestion that in future I not bring a bread pudding made with pound cake – this was a city government and there were unions involved and finance witch spent a great deal of time being counseled but never crossed a line to anything fireable.

So next year, I brought a bread pudding made with chocolate croissants. There was a hissy fit of epic proportions but every crumb of my bread pudding was gone by the end of the potluck.  (2023)

(The recipe is here.)

6. The apricots

My BigLaw firm, pre-2008-recession, threw serious events/parties. At one event for “alums” (i.e., for firm lawyers to schmooze with/try and get business from former firm attorneys now in house), every conference room on our meeting floor was a different theme. I was talking to a friend in the cheese room (which had assorted platters overflowing with cheeses, crackers, nuts, dried fruits, etc.) and saw my friend’s eyes go wide as she hissed, “Be casual, but turn around slowly.” I did, just in time to see a partner who was the head of her practice group and easily making a few million dollars a year tip the ENTIRE PLATTER of dried apricots into her designer bag. It had to have been several pounds worth. She then casually turned and walked out of the room. We speculated about “Tammy” and why the heck she needed so many apricots for years.  (2023)

7. Christmas tantrum

A woman who had worked at our office for more than twenty years pouted and threw tantrums like a child if she didn’t win a door prize at the annual Christmas dinner. Every time someone else’s name was randomly drawn, she would yell, ‘FIX!”’ or ‘CHEAT!’ or something similar. And one year, she just snatched a prize she really wanted from the table and told the person who won the prize, ‘I DESERVE this,’ and walked away with it.  (2014)

8. The engineers

I love the engineering department at my old job for being The Most Engineers.

Their holiday gift exchange is: everyone who wishes to participate brings a $15 gift card. The gift cards are placed in a bowl. Everyone removes one (1) gift card. End of exchange.

Last year they had a festive holiday presentation on environmental compliance policies because ‘everyone’s already in the same room.’ The compliance people put some holly on the first page of the PowerPoint.  (2022)

9. The boat

I was stuck on a boat party once, and there was no escape, they made sure of that. Floating around Sydney Harbor, and it was supposed to end at midnight, just all the people in the world I liked the least, compulsory attendance, and a boss patrolling the ship to make sure no one found anywhere to hide.

I was in total distress (social anxiety), trying not to cry, shaking, and trying to hide in the toilet was no good as it was below the water line and just being there made me violently ill.

At one point a guy had an accident and thought he’d broken his arm, so the boat pulled to the pier to let him off, but they had security guards to make sure no one else left the boat. As the boat pulled away again, with the bosses saying they were going to party on to morning and we had no choice in the matter, I put my shoes in my handbag, put the handbag in my mouth, and dived into the harbor, wearing a long black evening dress. In my mind, everything I bumped into was a shark!

I slopped up the stairs into the Sydney Opera House and tried to get a bit dry in their bathroom, and told concerned strangers I’d “fallen” into the harbor. Taxi home. Blissful escape. I have never attended a single work Christmas party since.  (2013)

10. The purses

One year, my boss’ uncle had a job as a distributor for Coach (the purse company). He and the partner of the law firm decided to use the discount to get myself and our secretary Coach purses for Christmas. In order to find out what we wanted, he asked us what kind of purse we suggested for his girlfriend.

The secretary immediately printed out her favorite purse on the Coach website and gave it to him. I, however, was focused on helping him find the perfect purse for his girlfriend. So I quizzed him incessantly on the size, shape and color of his girlfriend’s current purse. He ‘didn’t know’ and kept asking me, ‘But what do YOU like?’ which I refused to answer because “purses are very personal and every woman has a preference.” Finally, I told him to look at her current purse and get her something similar in size and shape and color.

He took my advice and bought me the Coach version of my then-current purse. (I loved it!) When he gave it to me, he expressed his (comical) annoyance at me for not playing along, but then thanked me for educating him on how to buy a purse for his girlfriend. (She loved hers too! And she’s now his wife.)  (2022)

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  1. NotTheSameAaron*

    I actually like Magic Mike’s idea. Better than bringing a poorly cooked dish that gives everyone that eats it food poisoning.

    1. lyonite*

      But not as good as bringing a perfectly nice store-bought pie. Having to be a captive audience for some guy who thinks he’s the next Penn and/or Teller might be better than food poisoning, but not by much.

      1. ISharedanOfficewithMagicMike*

        I submitted the Magic Mike story and am so proud it was deemed worth revisiting hahaha! I also have two more tidbits that I can’t recall why I didn’t include them the first time around:
        1. After a few years of working together MM tragically had to retire his top hat and endless scarves because he developed carpal tunnel from too many years of intense sleight-of-hand work. Not a joke!
        2. …Which led to the office potluck where he brought PUNS instead of magic — as in, he came up with a list of food-related puns and read them out to his hungry, captive audience, in lieu of buying a box of Oreos or otherwise contributing something we all could have appreciated.

        2. The Prettiest Curse*

          The puns sound almost as bad as the magic! I hope he didn’t move on to stripping once people had had enough of the food puns.

        4. CMBG*

          Did anybody ever give some guidance to this socially inept person, or did they just let him do his thing while they rolled their eyes at each other and then laugh at him later?

          1. ISharedanOfficewithMagicMike*

            Honestly I think everyone else on the team was just way more mellow about it than I was and kind of just accepted this behavior as a delightful quirk. I shared a rather small office with this guy for several years and was maxed out on delightful quirk and found him spectacularly annoying for lots of reasons — but I can see how someone who was more patient and spent less time with him could appreciate him more.

        5. juliebulie*

          You know what, I was on board with the magic show. It’s a little weird, but as a person who hates potlucks for many reasons, I sympathize with anyone who looks for an alternative way to participate.

          But not with puns. That’s taking laziness to a whole new level.

          1. Mentally Spicy*

            The more I hear about this guy the more I’m in awe of the combination of confidence and social cluelessness. I would find it utterly hilarious. Not the puns themselves but the sheer brass balls to even contemplate it as an option.

        7. Dadjokesareforeveryone*

          I mean, I love puns more than most people, and I would consider that an asshat thing to do. It’s not hard to buy a tray of cookies or something else if you can’t cook or bake well.

          1. ISharedanOfficewithMagicMike*

            I love puns too! And honestly I would have been fine with it if he’d organized a pun-off or led us in a pun game or something. It was making himself the center of attention after everyone else did a bunch of work to pull off the potluck that really irked me.

            1. allathian*

              Yeah, it would’ve irked me too. I’m not overly fond of potlucks at work, although I do understand why they exist in the public sector in countries where the employer won’t provide any perks for employees because they assume the taxpayers think that public sector employees are lucky to get a salary at all, never mind things like free coffee or holiday meals. (I work for a government agency in Finland, and we get both free coffee/tea and holiday food, there’s an annual budget for employee appreciation.)

              I also understand why non-profits on tight budgets prefer to spend any extra money they have on those who benefit from their mission.

              I don’t think there’s any excuse for potlucks in companies where the CEO and top executives earn millions. That’s just cheap.

          2. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Every potluck I have ever gone to has included disposable cups, plates and cutlery on the Wishlist for exactly this guy.

    2. Aggretsuko*

      I think some people do shame you (I say this as a non-cook) for not making a home made meal, so I agree with you that the guy brought what he could :)

      1. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        As a cook I believe you, and also know that a lot of people will refuse anything home-cooked because they assume nobody can be hygienic. You just can’t win with potlucks.

        1. fpg*

          my bro and i ( and everyone else) got majorly majorly ill at a potluck party once. I am so scared of them now.

  2. NoIWontFixYourComputer*

    #9. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? There are bosses making sure nobody is hiding??? And attendance was mandatory?

    1. Pastor Petty Labelle*

      Diving into the harbor was NOT an extreme reaction to the situation. It was the only sane sensible reaction.

      They were literally being held hostage. I’m sorry armed guards to prevent you from leaving definitely is being held against one’s will. Even in Australia.

      1. Alan*

        You’d have to be a pretty confident swimmer to pull this off. Carrying your purse in your teeth? In a long dress? Actually sounds pretty risky to me.

        1. Venus*

          You couldn’t actually dive into the water while biting onto a purse and still have it when you surfaced because the forces on your mouth as you hit the water would be too hard. It would be okay for jumping in feet first (in which case you’d hopefully keep the purse dry). Bigger boats that hold a lot of people also tend to be a bit higher up off the water so it could be a big jump, and therefore painful. It’s also hard to know the depth of water at any point so jumping is always the best option.

          1. Alan*

            Exactly. What might be underneath the surface of the water? I remember kayaking once a mile from land and bottoming out on something, never figured out what. It was scary. Keeping the purse dry seems hopeless to me for even the smallest jump. Feet-first your dress is going to bunch up around your arms, won’t it? There could be currents. This just seems like such a bad idea to me for so many reasons.

          3. Bernice*

            That was me. The boat was a party catamaran so low in the water, I wasn’t leaping off a tall building :D Everything got wet, but it wasn’t painful. Sydney Harbour is deep, that wasn’t an issue.

        2. mymotherwasahamster*

          I‘m a pretty solid swimmer and would love to do this just to see if I could. (And I could.) I’ve definitely joked about doing something like it, but probably wouldn’t have the chutzpah… until reading this story. This lady is my merintrovert inspiration.

          1. Chirpy*

            Back when I worked at a summer camp, I did swim in my regular clothes a few times (one was an impromptu decision by staff to jump in the pool on the weekend without kids around). Even in regular capris it was very odd, and I used to wear Tshirts with my swimsuit all the time. I don’t doubt someone could swim in an evening gown, but it’s definitely going to be difficult.

            And frankly, I don’t blame her, I’d probably consider it, but given that if I was in the same situation I’d be worried about the currents and probably chicken out. But armed guards!? I might call the cops.

              1. Potatoes west*

                So if the guards weren’t even armed, what stopped you from just walking past them and off the boat when it stopped you let Maybe Broken Arm Guy off?

                “Oh the Harbour is actually deep!” isn’t really the safety seal of approval that was the issue here.

        3. Annie2*

          Especially at night when other boats definitely won’t be able to see a lone swimmer in the water (and won’t be expecting or watching for swimmers). I have to assume it was a very short distance.

          1. HeidiBaker*

            it sounded to me like it was immediately after they left the person with the broken arm off, so likely very close to the pier

            1. Dry Cleaning Enthusiast*

              I am willing to bet five Australian dollars that guy didn’t have a broken arm either, and hit on a solution that didn’t involve getting wet.

              1. Bernice*

                That was my story. I suspect you might be right… but the other staffers were enjoying the drinking and dancing, he might have slipped. Wouldn’t have been a bad idea, though!

        4. Disappointed Australien*

          Important to remember that Sydney Harbour is generally well lit and much warmer than seawater where most readers of this blog live. Think Florida. But the harbour is also busy, full of boats like the one LW was on as well as ferries and other things.

          But the party boats also like to cruise along just off shore so it would be entirely possible to pick a spot 50m from shore and pop over the side. The main risk would be a man overboard alarm and the ensuing excitement (and that should have happened! The crew should have had a lookout, especially if alcohol was available to guests)

          OTOH I have been in an office where there was a boat trip and I just noped right out. I didn’t want to have to find out whether I could swim to shore.

          1. goth associate*

            Honestly my biggest worry would be the jellyfish, Sydney Harbour’s full of them & avoiding them in the dark would be an absolute nightmare!

          2. Bernice*

            That was my story. And I can tell a real Australian in your comment (kind of surprised by all the ‘but you wouldn’t know how deep the water is!’ types of comments – seriously, we get whales!)

        5. Bernice*

          That was my story. I’m a very confident swimmer and I’ve done far more stupid things than that in my life time :D

          1. Jonathan*

            I am simply dying to know the aftermath! Did you become an office legend, untouchable by the weird bosses? did the bosses pretend your escape never happened?

          2. Education Mike*

            I’m dying to know… why did you go? I know it was mandatory but I would think not jumping off the boat was MORE mandatory.

      2. Nobby Nobbs*

        The detail of the shoes cements this as an extremely rational reaction to an extremely unreasonable situation in my eyes.

        1. M*

          Story shared in 2013, and doesn’t sound like it was a recent one when shared. Completely possible she simply didn’t have a phone.

          1. The yellow dog of workplace happiness*

            And to add to sharing that 000 is the AU emergency services number, 112 is an alternate number that will reach emergency services, and it’s near universal, so if you’re ever in an unfamiliar country and need help, 112 from your cell phone will likely get you to who you need.

            You also typically don’t need a local SIM (or even a SIM at all) to call emergency from a cell phone, and emergency calls will use whatever tower they can connect to, even if it’s not your provider.

            I thought that info was worth committing to memory when I first learnt it, so excuse the unsolicited PSA. Hope it’s useful to others.

            1. Nina*

              In New Zealand we have a lot of foreign TV, so for kids who might know the USA emergency number better than their own, dialing 911 or 112 here directs straight to 111 (the real or regular emergency number) and dialing 000 or 999 goes to a recorded ‘please hang up and call 111’ message.

            2. Bernice*

              That was my story. This was in the 90s, there were no mobiles, and no landlines on a boat. It wasn’t a ‘call the police’ issue – it was a staff party and I did not want to be there, and would rather swim with (imaginary) sharks than stay one more minute.

        1. Bernice*

          That was my story. It wasn’t kidnapping, it was a work party. Guards were to keep people ‘safe’, in case they got drunk and wandered off into the night. They just didn’t want drunk people leaving the boat at unscheduled stops and getting into trouble. If it was now I’d just tell them to leave me the f alone and leave, but in the 90s I didn’t have that kind of confidence and saw my only escape as going for a swim.

          1. Claire*

            the 90s were different! also – it’s not a super long swim so I absolutely know you did it, and it was long before that navy guy lost an arm to a shark in Farm Cove

            1. Bernice*

              Oh jeez, Shark Arm, I should read that book. At the time I was imagining sharks everywhere, but my understanding is they are not active at night. I didn’t know that then, though.

      5. Jellyfish Catcher*

        Well, it was risky, even next to the harbor, although I can understand her desperation.
        The worst part: NOBODY NOTICED THAT A PERSON WENT OVERBOARD, HOLY….

        1. Silver Robin*

          THANK YOU I was wondering the same thing. Did they assume she managed to slip past security? Was there no follow up? Did somebody notice and then choose to say nothing in support of her daring escape? What was going on??

          1. Bernice*

            That was my story. No one mentioned anything, I didn’t bring it up, I have no idea if they noticed.

            1. Michelle*

              I’m surprised so many people misunderstood you and are talking about this like a kidnapping situation. Seemed to me that “preventing us from leaving” just meant “leaving under the radar.” Like, I’m sure if you’d screamed and pushed past them you’d have been fine. But you have to SEE these people again next week.

              And you have to see your next performance review. :P

              Anyway, glad you got out. That’s an awesome story and I can absolutely relate to jumping into black water in an evening dress rather than face the next few hours of that situation. Gutsy move but I’d be proud of myself forever!

        2. fluff*

          Or they noticed and saw and did not rat her out. While being envious of the Sean Connery worthy escape from party Alcatraz.

          I bet she jumped holding her purse, then flipped on her back, bit the purse and made it to land (a few meters if that close). Some might call it extreme. My anxiety is paired with exceptional swimming skills. I would have (ideally) bailed. BUT, my brain would not have been able to even come up with the idea. I am impressed.

        3. Stipes*

          Yeah that’s extremely alarming. LW could have been whacked in the head by the boat and died… and nobody would have noticed??? Didn’t that boat have any uninebriated staff?

          I would expect someone jumping off a crowded boat to be met by the Coast Guard by the time they got to shore.

            1. Peachie*

              You don’t know? Because if you search for Australian coastguard Sydney Harbour, they’re the first result …

        4. Bernice*

          That was my story. You know? I have no idea if they noticed or not… No one said anything back at work, so I guess not.

      6. Pennyworth*

        No way could I have dived off the boat and swum to safety. I would, however, have called the water police and said I was being held hostage under armed guard.

    2. Tradd*

      Yeah, that was just wild. I’m impressed her shoes fit in her purse and she was able to hold her purse in her teeth! OMG!

      1. Cats and Bats Rule*

        I definitely would have done this to get out of there, and would have made my shoes fit in the purse whither they could or not! #9-I hope you got out that job and found a better one quickly!!

        1. Bernice*

          That was my story. Yeah, the company went broke and we all ended up unemployed, then I just went back to University and did a lot better in future. And now I have the confidence to say ‘no’ to parties on boats :D

          1. Thegreatprevaricator*

            Yeah to be fair this was kinda my thought, with all respect due for problem solving in the moment :D . Surely.. just.. say no? But you couldn’t have predicted the intensity of commitment to Boat Party

        1. Bernice*

          That was my story. And LOL, I love that, but I’d put it more into the idiot comedy genre rather than super hero :D

    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      I’m not that strong a swimmer. Luckily, my ankle ligaments are extremely loose. I roll them all the time, and it would not be hard to fake (or even engineer) a sprain or strain that needs Immediate Medical Attention.

  3. many bells down*

    I feel like there were other steps to take before *diving into the harbor*. Texting a friend to call with a “family emergency”? Throwing up on the CEO?

    3. Sharpie*

      Well,diving into the harbour is a way out that situation plus a good story afterwards. I just hope the dress wasn’t completely ruined by the seawater!

    5. M*

      Story shared in 2013, and doesn’t sound like it was recent then. I suspect phone-based escape plans simply weren’t an option.

      1. A mathematician*

        Um… mobile phones were definitely available in 2013 and for many years before then, and while there are certainly large parts of Australia that have a decidedly spotty signal, Sydney harbour is not one of them.

        However, it is also possible that her phone was broken in some way, not with her in case of accidents (falling into the harbour, say?) or she just didn’t think of anything else at the time.

        1. ASD always*

          Sitcoms make handy cultural indicators for phone use. E.g. Friends ran from 1994 to 2004. At the start of the show no one had a mobile phone, by the end of it not only did everyone have one, there was even a gag involving a character pretending an early brick-sized phone was her “current” phone.

          Then How I Met Your Mother ran from 2005 to 2014 and had an episode dedicated to how smartphones with internet access “killed the bar-room debate”.

        2. Mars Jenkar*

          2013 was the year of submission, and “not attended a work Christmas party since” implies at least several years had already passed. While it might have been expected for that OP to have a cell phone, say, ten years before submission, even a few more years back it would become chancy. So it’s possible, even plausible, that a phone call was not a viable option.

    6. Bernice*

      That was my story. It happened in the 90s, we had no phones. There were already a lot of drunks vomiting, I don’t know that I would have stood out…

    7. Ineffable Bastard*

      I would pretending to faint or something like this. Even if I were a strong swimmer, there’s plenty of things that can happen, like hitting something in the dark and breaking a bone or drowning, or getting a bacterial infection.

  4. UnCivilServant*

    Wouldn’t preventing people from leaving the boat when it is at dock be a criminal offense? Even in Australia?

      1. Bernice*

        That was my story. Hardly – it was a party, I went ‘willingly’ and then they didn’t want people leaving the boat unattended. Now I’d have the confidence to get off no matter who I had to thump, but back then I didn’t so let them guide me back to the boat. Not kidnapping, just party types not recognising that not everyone is a party type.

        2. UKDancer*

          Yeah kidnapping and false imprisonment are definitely offences in Australia. The criminal justice system there works generally in the same way as it does in other common law jurisdictions.

    3. Charlotte Lucas*

      Why am I imagining Lucy Lawless’s character from My Life is Murder as the narrator of this story? (I know it’s in NZ now, but it started out in Australia.)

        1. Llellayena*

          Yes, but she wouldn’t end up IN the harbor. She’d stand on the rail, do a double flip (with iconic yelling) and land feet first on the dock.

      3. Insufficient Sausage Explainer*

        Would work almost as well for Auckland Harbour (except without the sharks. Waterfront Events Centre isn’t quite as spectacular as the Opera House, either!)

        Also, nice to see another MLIM fan here!

      4. allathian*

        It’s one of my favorite current shows, Lucy Lawless is fantastic. Funnily enough, my local broadcaster hasn’t got the memo yet that the show moved to New Zealand.

  5. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    #5 the bread pudding, HR should not have even enterained the complaint. Like looked at Finance Witch and said, yeah that is not an HR matter, go away. But if they felt they had to appease her, they could have said, we will speak to her. Then told you, great pudding, please do this again. Which would technically be speaking to OP about the issue.

    1. Can’t think of anything clever*

      When I handled employee investigations I often responded to complaints like this with a generic “I’ll take care of it” sort of response. More than once that involved going home and telling my cats about it. I’m not lying, I did take care of it.

    2. Panicked*

      As an HR person, I can confidently say that we 100% do not have time to talk to people about their potluck contributions, unless it is 1. a safety issue or 2. we want the recipe.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        In my alternate reality comedy, you agreed to talk to OP about the bread pudding. And then you went to OP, got the recipe and brought it to next year’s potluck.

    3. Venus*

      I love the solution. “If you told me that I can’t make it with cake and I don’t want to make it with bread, then let’s find another option”. I would have ignored HR and made it with cake again, so I love that creativity!

      3. Higher-ed Jessica*

        So awesome. I wanted this story to just go on, with a different NON-bread each year and an annual conniption, till it’s like Year 9 and she’s trying to decide whether to make it with cornbread or baklava this year.

        1. UnCivilServant*

          Cornbread – Baklava is already saturated with honey and would be difficult to integrate into the pudding.

          1. MigraineMonth*

            But is cornbread sufficiently bread-like to satisfy the finance witch? Better not risk it and go with crepes.

        2. Nanc (yes, that was my bread pudding story!)*

          I’m making it for Thanksgiving this year trying out a lemon cake, ginger instead of cinnamon and chopped up crystalized ginger instead of dried fruit. It’s baking right now and smells fantastic!

          1. Sara without an H*

            Hi, Nana — Alison provided a link to your posting of the original recipe. I’ve clipped it and will definitely try it this year. Thanks!

          2. Zelda*

            OMG the lemon-ginger variant sounds amazing! That may show up at my Christmas Eve or New Year’s table. Thank you

    4. londonedit*

      I am not from a potluck culture and I really want to know what ‘traditional potluck desserts’ are.

      1. Zelda*

        Spoiler: Financial Witch was full of it. One is not surprised by any kind of cake, any kind of pie, jello with fruit or marshmallows in, or pretzel salad, but there is no tradition beyond “sweet things, especially with high fat content, are yummy.”

      2. Education Mike*

        Honestly this just isn’t a thing. If anything, I see potluck foods as things that are easily eaten standing, picnicking, etc. because the kind of party it tends to be.

    1. MommaCat*

      It was a comment to a post about how to throw a party employees would actually like, in response to the advice to not throw a holiday party on a boat.

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        I just don’t understand why anyone would ever plan a party on a boat! As an event planner, the whole idea just baffles me, because there’s SO much more that can go wrong than an event on dry land.

        It seems like a lot of the worst office party failures we’ve read about on this site happened on boats. Maybe the party boat companies just lure in novice planners with steep discounts.

        1. UKDancer*

          Yeah. That said I’ve been to a couple of tango events on a permanently moored boat on the Thames. The difference being that it doesn’t go anywhere and you can leave when you want. So it’s not like being held captive.

          I mean I wouldn’t choose it for a work event but it’s quite fun for dancing and has quite a nice floor and plenty of space.

          1. londonedit*

            Party boat cruises were a thing on the Thames for a while (possibly still are?) – I went on one in about 2010 and it wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t great either. This one went from Embankment up to Greenwich and back, so it was only a couple of hours, and it was basically just a mediocre nightclub/bar on water. It was open to the public rather than being a work do or a specific group thing – I just went with a couple of friends – and while you did have to do the whole thing and couldn’t get off in between, it was fine, just a bar and a dancefloor with cheesy tunes. Probably wouldn’t do it again but it wasn’t terrible. I don’t think it’s a great choice for a work event, though, because lots of people don’t get on with boats to start with.

        2. L*

          I’ve been to a work party on a boat that didn’t go too badly, provided your definition of “not too badly” includes one of the higher ups finding a piano(!) and regaling us all with Mustang Sally and Piano Man. Maybe the key is a set time limit and not too many drinks.

          (I also got married on a boat, at least in part so I could kick everyone out once it got back to shore lol.)

          1. N C Kiddle*

            We had a party on a boat once that was undramatic but not in a fun way. Earlier in the day, they lost a major source of funding and started to worry they were being too lavish with staff entertainment. So their first piece of cost-cutting was to change the intended fully paid for bar to the kind where we all had to pay for our own drinks. This was announced after we boarded the boat. On the plus side, nobody got drunk and cause chaos?

          2. NotSoRecentlyRetired*

            My sister-in-law’s wedding reception was on a boat. It went fine except one of her sisters had to decline the invitation because she was 6 (or 7?) months pregnant at the time.

              1. Dahlia*

                Pregnant people can still have morning sickness at 6 months. I would not wish morning sickness + boat on anyone.

                1. ASD always*

                  They can also have joint pain in the hips that would make it painful to brace against an unsteady floor and a completely unfamiliar centre of gravity thanks to the baby bump. Source: currently 6-7 months pregnant.

        3. Ms. Norbury*

          My sister went to an office party on a boat that, according to her, was a smashing success. But it was a small company (so something like 10-12 people total), participation was totally optional and the owner really knew the staff and how hard they liked to party (i.e. HARD). I’m sure it would have been a nightmare for many people, but she said everyone clearly had a great time.

          1. The Prettiest Curse*

            I think the best chances for boat party success are a small group who get on well, on a shorter trip or a boat that’s moored. Anything else- especially a plan that involves large numbers of people, lots of alcohol and an inability to leave till the trip is over – is an absolute recipe got trouble.

        4. M*

          My work does a river boat thing once a year. But: small team, optional event, 2 hours max, everyone generally on the same wavelength about approach to work-partying (casual, not wild). And it’s a river boat down a river in the middle of the city, so easy enough to dock in an emergency. It’s fine, but get why it wouldn’t work in most office party contexts.

        5. Unkempt Flatware*

          I learned so long ago to never allow myself to get into a situation where I was held captive.

        6. Media Monkey*

          it’s not massively unusual in London as there are lots of party boats on the Thames. however most are either permanently moored or else the sailing bit lasts for about an hour, 2 max, and then goes back to a pier. i have organised a party on a boat but it was HMS Belfast (massive and permanently moored former warship). it was pretty epic (and there was no hostage taking involved)

        7. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Really.
          Aggressive.
          Marketing.

          When I worked for That Darned Startup, we were targeted by a harbor boat party company. No one wanted to answer phones that month!

      2. Boof*

        A conference I went to just had their annual party on a boat…
        … a boat that has been docked and turned in to a museum for years now, and you could leave at any time and there was a constant stream of busses to and back from the main hotel.

        Why on earth would anyone think it’s a great idea to trap a bunch of people together for hours, muchless past midnight???

      3. Bernice*

        That was my story. And thanks because I had no memory of actually sending this story in, so I was wondering how it got here – if it was a comment that makes sense :D

  7. ScottW*

    Re #1, used to work with a woman who was in her church choir and was *very* proud of her voice. To me it seemed fine but not exceptional. Anyway, at her goodbye lunch she insisted on saying thank you to all of her attending coworkers by singing to us. Loudly. In a restaurant. Surrounded by other people. It was so painful.

      1. Orange Line Avenger*

        I can’t even enjoy this one as a fun work of fiction because it is SO incredibly dangerous. I sincerely hope everyone reading this understands that this did not happen because the author would have drowned.

        1. Orange Line Avenger*

          A good friend of mine competes internationally on the open water swimming circuit. Anyone skilled enough to dive off a boat into a harbor and swim to shore in an evening gown in the dark would never do it for the same reason that the most skilled skydiver on the planet wouldn’t do a no-parachute jump.

          1. segue Segway*

            Yeah, the plot to Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan had better plot consistency than the boat story and it still flipped back and forth between “Jason can easily swim between Crystal Lake and NYC” and “Jason is defeated by toxic waste runoff.”

            (I only mention it because 90 percent of the movie is actually on a damn boat).

          2. WS*

            Not at all! It would have been warm weather (Christmas), the boat was right near the dock, and the harbour would have been very well lit (and possibly not even fully dark if it was before 9 at that time of year). I wouldn’t do it myself, but I think I probably could, and I’m no kind of swimming champion.

            1. Bernice*

              That was my story. I wouldn’t do it now, but I was desperate and stupid. I think the swim was barely four or five meters, but some folks seem to think I was swimming for miles out in the open ocean during a freezing hurricane and sharknado combined!

              1. WS*

                Yeah, I think anyone who’s been in Sydney Harbour finds the story entirely reasonable! It’s pretty warm, calm and not far to swim if you’re near a dock.

          3. Bernice*

            That was my story. The harbour is warm, well light, and close to the dock. It was a short drop from the side of a catamaran, a short swim (swimming is just as easy in the dark as the light), and a soggy trip home. Not the super human effort you seem to be imagining.

            1. You want stories, I got stories*

              In our hearts and minds though, you did swim that distance. Especially if I ever retell the story.

          1. potatoes west*

            People who swim can actually still drown if the conditions are right. If they’re incapacitated in some way, like an injury. Or they’re unconscious. If the water is too rough. If they’ve been swimming for so long that their body just gives out. If hypothermia or dehydration takes them out. If they panic hard enough. If a predator gets to them first (not technically drowning—but if they get away but then are too injured or weak to keep swimming? Then Drowning!)

            It’s great that you were extremely lucky but for anyone else who, in the very rare chance they might wind up in this random situation, I think it’s fair to stress that this was a very risky thing to do. And that the chances of it going pear shaped were way too high.

          2. Zebra*

            It just seems easier to ask to be let off along with the other guy. I know you said no one was allowed, but that seems…extreme. Your bosses did something basically illegal, and everyone just shrugged, and you jumped off a boat and…then went back to work the next day? Like…if this really happened, wouldn’t your bosses be in a lot of trouble?

          3. Mercurial*

            People seem strangely invested in knocking your story! I find it eminently believable for the time. Plus, having been trapped on a boat for four hours recently and finding out 20 minutes in that I get seasick, I completely get the imperative to escape at all costs.

            Good on you for a daring and (somewhat foolhardy but it’s not like you’re recommending it) escape that nonetheless turned out fine!

            1. Zebra*

              You find it eminently believable that a company would hire security guards to prevent employees from leaving a party cruise, that a boss would actually tell employees they were going to forcibly party all night, that an employee would be unhinged enough to leap off a cruise and swim off, that no one would notice it, AND that everyone on the cruise would just be kosher with the boss essentially keeping them hostage. Okey doke.

  9. Tradd*

    2018 – The people in the air freight department of the freight forwarder I worked for at the time were invited to a big airline’s Christmas party (these used to be Very Big Things). Tickets were often given as prizes so going to the parties was a desired invite. One female coworker, whose social life seemed to entirely consist of adult birthday parties, couldn’t make the airline party. She was very sad. She was also an entitled witch and the golden girl of the department. Couldn’t do wrong in the toxic manager’s eyes. Anyway, one male coworker WON THE AIRLINE TICKETS. They were good for two people to the US, including Alaska and Hawaii. Entitled witch told coworker he won HER tickets and he needed to give them to her. He didn’t, of course. I asked entitled witch why she thought she was entitled to his tickets. She said she deserved them.

    2. Crencestre*

      Well, she was half right – she didn’t deserve ROUND-TRIP tickets! But I’m sure that many of your colleagues would’ve agreed that she did indeed deserve a one-way ticket to anywhere clear across the country…;)

  10. Stella70*

    I hope it’s okay to post the recipe ‘Nanc’ was referring to, since it might save people scrolling time on this, Thanksgiving Eve (in the U.S.) — a/k/a “Is It Okay To Wear Maternity Pants To The Thanksgiving Dinner, If I’m Not Pregnant, Just Anticipating Eating A LOT?” Day.

    BREAD PUDDING RECIPE by Nanc
    Well finding this recipe was a whole lot of fun–turns out my sister had the cookbook it came from.
    From The Settlement Cook Book, 1976 edition.
    Bread Pudding
    2 eggs
    2 cups milk
    1/2 cup sugar
    nutmeg or cinnamon
    [no amounts given, I wing it, sometimes it’s a teaspoon, sometimes it’s a half teaspoon of each, sometimes I just grate or shake the container until it seems like it’s enough]
    4 cups dried bread or cake
    [I was gobsmacked when my sister read this–I was right all along, finance witch! FYI I made the pound cake from the generic brand mix carried by Lucky Supermarkets in California. I’m sure any pound cake mix would do, look for one that uses sugar and not corn syrup]
    1/4 cup raisins
    [I use dried cherries or cranberries as raisins are the Devil’s pet bunny’s turds]
    Almonds
    [doesn’t specify amount or type. I usually use toasted pecans or walnuts]
    Beat the eggs, add milk, sugar, and gratings of nutmeg or cinnamon if desired; pour liquid over the bread [cake] in a pudding dish. [I use my mom’s old Pyrex 2 quart covered round baking dish], let stand until thoroughly soaked. Add raisins and almonds, if desired. Bake 20 minutes or until firm in a moderate oven, 350 F [it doesn’t say to preheat the oven but I always do]. Serve with milk, jelly or any pudding sauce.
    Random notes: I usually make the pound cake a few days ahead. Once it’s completely cool I cut it into cubes, spread it on a cookie sheet and set it in the oven to dry out–no heat in the oven, just the easiest place so they don’t clutter up the counter. When I made it with chocolate croissants it was before they were a thing, I just happened to live around the corner of a little bakery that made a dozen or so each day. They were kind enough to bake me a batch and then cubed them and let dry out in their kitchen before I picked them up.
    The recipe does not mention greasing or spraying the pudding/baking dish.
    The Settlement Cook Book was a gift from my sister when I first moved out on my own. I could cook but it’s a great book because it has measurement conversions, substitution suggestions, great charts and explanations of cuts of meat, tips on how to pick out produce, explanations of cheese (including what melts easiest) and all sorts of other cooking and entertaining tips. The recipes in my edition are definitely a bit dated but I still use the book and have adapted over the years.

    1. Ellis Bell*

      Someone in the original comments said you can make this with Panettone! I am totally going to do this because it solves the problem of what to do with gluten free Panettone. I always buy it, thinking this is the year it’s going to taste good, but it’s never quite right. Although, just like bad gf bread always makes great toast, bad gf Panettone makes excellent French toast. I’m sure the recipe that shook HR to it’s very core can only help me out with this problem.

        1. Bella Ridley*

          Personally, if it were me making it with banana bread, I’d let the bread get really good and dry first in the fridge, I’d omit the dried raisins or fruit bits and potentially substitute in walnuts, as well as bump up the warming spices a little bit as well. Possibly with a glug of bourbon in there as well. I bet it would be delicious.

          1. Stella70*

            I agree with your off-the-cuff recipe. Sounds delicious. My stand-by is rehydrated Craisins. I would add those, plus chopped pecans. And a glug of tequila. (In a separate glass – I’m not a neanderthal!

      3. Ms. Norbury*

        I haven’t used panettone, but I’ve made a bread-pudding-ish recipe with chocottone, which is basically panettone but with chocolate chips instead of candied fruit. It’s only a thing in my part of the world (and I’m sure it would make most italians have conniptions) but OMG it works beautifully.

        1. Ari Flynn*

          It’s a thing where I am, too – East Coast of the US. Although the ones I’ve seen are branded Bauducco, so I would guess they’re pretty widely available around the holidays.

        2. Media Monkey*

          even italians have chococlate panettone. my local italian deli imports them from italy and sells pistachio, lemon/ lemoncello, chocolate, prosecco flavours as well as the fruit one!

        3. londonedit*

          Most supermarkets here do a chocolate chip version of a panettone, as well as pandoro (which is a bit like a plain panettone). I’ve definitely seen chocolate chip ones in M&S and Lidl.

      4. Media Monkey*

        bread & butter pudding with panettone is fab and a staple of italian resturants at Christmas (at least it seems to be in the UK!) – i think the receipe about sounds more like what we would call bread and butter pudding – bread/ cake/ croissants baked in a custard. bread pudding (which i had never heard of til i moved to england from scotland) is a very dense spiced thing, more like a dumpling.

      5. londonedit*

        We make a panettone bread-and-butter pudding every Christmas – either for one of the Christmas festivities or for New Year’s Eve. Bread-and-butter pudding is slightly different from bread pudding in that you slice the bread (or panettone) and butter it, then arrange the slices in a baking dish, pour over a custard, and bake. With a plain bread-and-butter pudding you’d add dried fruit/raisins/sultanas, but with a panettone you don’t need to, and it makes a brilliantly indulgent version. We also do a hot cross bun version at Easter which is excellent.

      1. Nanc (yes, that was my bread pudding story!)*

        In defense of evil finance lady not hearing of fancy bread pudding: this all went down in 1985.

    4. You want stories, I got stories*

      Thank you for reposting the recipe. I did request the recipe when she first shared the story. I did try the recipe, I liked it, my wife said it needed salt, but she feels that about everything.

  11. Deborah*

    I also support using non-standard breads for bread pudding. Hawaiian rolls, croissants, and brioche are AMAZING.

    1. Jane*

      Same! My cousin has a legendary bread pudding that he makes with chocolate croissants for our family’s big Christmas Eve lunch every year; he usually makes three pans and there are never leftovers.

    4. Bred likker*

      Stuffing is actually a savory variety of bread pudding. I made one for Christmas one year with half francese bread, half seeded sourdough, chicken mango sausage, pomegranate avrils and arugula. Bougie af, but extremely festive and beyond delicious!

    6. Insufficient Sausage Explainer*

      I keep meaning to make bread pudding with leftover hot cross buns at Easter, but I never seem to manage to leave any over (*Homer Simpson voice* mmmm…hot cross buns).

  12. Nah*

    Maybe it’s all the cooking baking my brain but I’ve read #8 like six times now and I’m coming up blank on what the joke is? I’m so sorry OP, van someone please explain? TToTT

    1. UnCivilServant*

      From a personality aspect, engineers tend to be a very direct and solution-oriented lot. So rather than going through the trouble to get something the other people don’t like, the fix of bypassing that part of the process would be appealing. And the fact that it is also a farce would itself amuse the engineering set.

      /one of them.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        I still vaguely remember a raunchy joke a mathematician told me where the mathematician and the physicist give up, but the engineer wins, because he gets, “Close enough for all practical purposes.”

        2. Nina*

          The setup varies and I’ve found several more and less raunchy ones, but –

          The mathematician said: “Never.”
          The physicist said: “In an infinite amount of time.”
          The engineer said: “Well… in about two minutes, they’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

          1. Mentally Spicy*

            How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

            The answer is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader.

      2. Nah*

        I understood (and appreciated, I’m the same way I suppose) that part, it was the second paragraph that was tripping me up. LynnP cleared it up for me though, thank you both!

      1. Nah*

        asdfhjkl thank you, that makes more sense. How on earth did their manager possibly expect that to go otherwise? :’D

        1. mymotherwasahamster*

          I love the logic of everyone all being there anyway. These are all lovely but the engineers made me laugh out loud!

          1. Chas*

            It reminds me of the year my department made our usual Christmas party into Christmas Symposium, making everyone attend a bunch of talks by some of the post-docs before the food and beer was served*. Everyone had crammed Christmas references in their slides for the occasion, except for me (There hadn’t been anything explicitly saying to do so, so I hadn’t thought to do anything special for the talk). But I was the last person to talk, so in lieu of all that I just started my talk by saying “No Christmas stuff from me, I’ll just get to the point so we can get to the food quicker!”. Everyone seemed to appreciate that.

            *Originally the post-doc society had just wanted to organise an *extra* symposium in December and had decided to make it a mystery theme where the order of the talks weren’t announced in advance (to encourage people to stay for the whole event, instead of only bothering to turn up for the 20 or so minutes when their friends were scheduled) and called it a “Secret Santa” symposium to fit the month of December. Then our department head heard we were organising this and decided to hijack it for the staff party, and made participation almost-mandatory. The less research-based members of the staff were not especially impressed.

  13. Liz the Snackbrarian*

    I have to guess the woman in number six was pretty backed up. Dried apricots are known for having fiber, I would probably eat some if I were constipated.

    1. This Old House*

      Given my current circumstances, my mind went to dietary restrictions. She’d done a circuit, realized there was nothing else at the entire party she could eat, and rather than camping out near the apricots all night, decided to take the apricots with her so she could snack while she mingled.

      I wouldn’t do it, but I’d be tempted. I don’t know what to do my hands at events where everyone is eating and drinking and I can’t partake!

      1. New Jack Karyn*

        You just . . . put a bunch on your plate. You don’t dump the whole lot into your purse and walk off.

    2. Silence*

      Or knew they were the favourite of her arch nemesis so stole the apricots so they couldn’t have any

    3. MigraineMonth*

      I feel like 2-3lbs would cause issues in the other direction, though.

      Also, was this pre-planned, so she had put a plastic liner into her designer purse? Or will there forever be sticky dried apricot goo in her purse?

      2. Nah*

        If she’s making literal millions, I doubt she only had the one purse, no matter how exclusive designer it was. of course, you typically aren’t stealing the entire plate of fruit from a work function, but we’ve seen enough entitled higher ups here that I’m not surprised.

        1. Education Mike*

          It irrelevant how many she has though. There’s no scenario where it makes sense to ruin a bag that costs thousands of dollars to steal $20 of apricots (and make yourself look like a lunatic).

      3. Education Mike*

        This woman has lived rent free in my head since OP first posted. This was my issue too… the designer bag would have cost as much as 200 pounds of apricots, at least! Why? WHY??

        To be fair I do keep felt liners in my designer bags. I do tend to attract crumbs and sticky things. They’re common-ish. But still.

      4. Student*

        I can confirm that there is a maximum amount of dried apricots that a human should eat in one sitting, and exceeding that upper limit has undesireable impacts on the digestive tract.

        The limit in question is considerably smaller than a pound of dried apricots.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m imagining someone with an insane schedule and a dictatorial family member insisting on a potluck contribution that night.

  14. Phony Genius*

    #3 sounds like a devilish twist to put on a Dirty Santa game – hide a nice gift inside something that people would likely want to trade away. (Sort of like they sometimes do on Let’s Make a Deal.) Except it helps if the person who provided the gift is not out sick so that the secret can be revealed at the end of the game.

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Or just like my mother who used to wrap gift cards, etc., in an old book, so it wasn’t as obvious what it was.

      Then tell you that the book wasn’t the gift and she expected it back.

      She also wrapped batteries for toys that required them and made us open those first. Delayed gratification was her jam.

      1. Indisch blau*

        We used to get the batteries trapped separately too. My parents were into quantity at Christmas.

            2. Disappointed Australien*

              The best part is those dedicate tools for cutting open clamshell packaging. That come *inside* a clamshell package.

              Ideally you give them the necessary batteries also in clamshell packaging for twice the frustration.

              1. Seeking Second Childhood*

                One year I put Swiss Army knives into stockings… They came in a sturdy little cardboard box.

        2. A Library Person*

          It was always fun when you opened the batteries first and then had that wonderful moment of anticipation when you realized you were also getting something they would power up.

      2. Sharpie*

        Sounds like my mum, who wrapped batteries that were unwrapped first and eventually gave the main gift. Or gave my brother a game for a console he didn’t have .. and then gave the gift that was the console.

        I got my own back a couple of years before she died – we’ve gone to doing a Secret Santa for family presents (everyone gets one person to buy for with a £30 limit). I bought her a whole bunch of different silk scarves off eBay and layered them all in a plain brown cardboard box, each one separated by tissue paper. I will forever treasure the memory of her face as she pulled out scarf after scarf, like a magician pulling scarves out of his sleeve.

        1. Ten Lizards in a Raincoat*

          I did that for my wife a couple years ago and it was so fun to see. “Breath of the Wild? But we don’t have a Nintendo Switch!”

          “Oh man, you’re so right! Darn. I wonder if there’s any other presents around here…”

          *gasp* “No way!”

          1. Cats Ate My Croissant*

            I did similar for my son’s birthday many years back. We went away for a few days and the timings meant half of his actual birthday involved getting up at stupid o’clock, sitting around the airport etc. Which sucks when you’re past the “oooh planes!” age. I stashed a few presents in my hand luggage to drip-feed through the day, one of which was an XBox game for the console he didn’t (yet) have.

        2. Freya*

          One year Dad requested socks for Christmas, as apparently my sister had permanently borrowed a significant number of his. I’m pretty sure everyone in the family (all three of us) went to the same place in the same sale, as there were 20+ individually wrapped matching pairs of socks under the tree for him. He got through the first ten or so before losing it in laughter..

    2. Freya*

      My dad does this all the time. One year, he got the bricks that have the dip in the top, put gift cards in the dip, glued them together, and wrapped the stuck together bricks. My then-boyfriend-now-ex was given this gift, and dad was giggling to himself in anticipation of how long it would take for the bricks to be split apart, only to be disappointed when they were taken outside and tapped at just the right angle on the paving outside to break them apart immediately.

      Last year, I got dad a gift card. But the real gift was the gift box I’d bought to put it in – it was a 3D printed gift box with a gazillion screws to undo to get into it!

  15. LoV...*

    9. The Boat: “but they had security guards to make sure no one else left the boat.”

    WHAT? I mean, that’s practically just kidnapping people at that point.

    1. Bernice*

      That was my story. The guards were there to keep drunk people safe, they weren’t intended to keep people prisoner.

      1. o_gal*

        As I was reading your story, I kept saying to myself that I would just jump overboard. I’m a good swimmer (1/2 mile swims twice a week). Would not have been an issue to get to shore. And then – you did it! You are my hero!

  16. Aggretsuko*

    I want to know what happened with #9 when the boss who was patrolling and imprisoning people noticed that she was gone. Was she in trouble the next day? Did he notice she was gone? Or care?

  18. Mags*

    No. 6 made me giggle because I once went to a conference where I saw the Development Officer from a fairly prominent local charity tip a platter of chipolatas and one of chicken nuggets into what I can only hope was a rip-off Birkin. It was pre-meditated too, she had left the panel before lunch early specifically to get to the buffet before anyone else.

    I used to have to go to meetings with her about projects we were partners on and every time I remembered the greasy chipolatas splattering into the bag.

  19. Literally a Cat*

    I found the detail of Sydney Harbour particularly hilarious. Seems like people just fall into it all the time, now I wonder how many were truly kidnapped by their party party party.

    1. So they all cheap-ass rolled over and one fell out*

      I don’t think I’d read the Sydney Harbor story before. Literally laughed out loud

    2. Bernice*

      That was my story. You can swim in the harbour, it’s not as polluted as it used to be. I wouldn’t do it voluntarily now, though.

  21. Radar’s Glasses*

    Related to #7. Our law firm’s holiday “party” segregated lawyers and spouses from support staff and their plus ones(even if the plus one was a superior court judge in their own right). There was a raffle for prizes and, wouldn’t you know, all the valuable prizes like wine were won by the lawyers’ spouses. It never occurred to these “winners” that they could have put the prizes back into the pot for the support staff to try and win. Thoughtfulness was not an element of these people. We were just peons to them. Glad I retired a year later.

    1. Sharpie*

      The last work Christmas party I went to was the Christmas before moving away. They gave everyone a Christmas card with a raffle ticket in that corresponded to a prize. Everyone got something… I ended up with one of the top prizes, a very nice gift bag of food including a bottle of wine and some fancy chocolate and stuff. And that was on top of the hamper that everyone got.

      1. Radar’s Glasses*

        That’s so sweet. We support staff got nothing. I’m glad you had a nice experience to remember your Old Job.

  22. Ex-Prof*

    #9 I don’t know about Australia, but am pretty sure this would constitute kidnapping in some if not all U.S. states.

  23. Claire*

    re #9: harbour cruises in Sydney always stay in the inner harbour, you would never be much more than a couple of Olympic pool lengths from land

    1. Bernice*

      That was my story. Pretty much – I don’t think we even half a pool’s length when I panicked and jumped.

  25. Perihelion*

    9 sounds like the premise of a great horror-comedy starring Samara Weaving where she tries desperately to escape a work party.

  27. LBD*

    Alison is really on top of how to create flow in a list of stories, with the ultra dramatic harbour escape second-to-last, and sending us off with an amazing heart warmer as a grand finale!

    Questions! So. Many. Questions. Did anybody see this? What were the thoughts and reactions of the coworkers on the boat who were still trapped? How did the crew not notice? Or was this just business as usual?
    And Broken Arm Guy! Did he just play up his accident? Did he stage the accident and fake a broken arm? Did he deliberately break his own arm in order to escape? I don’t think that would take any more desperation than OPs midnight jump in evening dress into dark water. This story is certainly memorable!

    1. Summer*

      Same! I have so many questions about #9 – why were there security guards in the first place? Why were the bosses so insistent that no one was allowed to leave early? Why was the boss patrolling the boat to ensure no one was hiding alone somewhere? Did no one see or hear LW jump overboard? Did no one notice LW was missing? I need answers!

      And I’m still highly annoyed by the finance witch from Nanc’s bread pudding’s story! The nerve to complain to HR about that. And to allow someone to terrorize a department, drive off employees, yet keep their (probably well paid) job. So frustrating!

      1. Bernice*

        That was my story. The guards were to stop drunk people from getting hurt or wandering off at the dock. It wasn’t ‘kidnapping’ as some folks have been saying – bit of an dramatic over reaction there! Like guards at shopping malls are not there to stop shoppers from leaving, just to keep things tidy. They didn’t want people leaving as that was an unscheduled stop and they didn’t want to be responsible for anyone going missing/getting hurt. No one noticed because they weren’t paying attention? That I don’t know, I did’t care, I was desperate to leave, if anyone saw, I didn’t give a flying fig. No one ever mentioned anything about it when we went back to work.

  30. segue Segway*

    The PB&J and Coach bag stories are so sweet, they gave me a tooth ache ❤️

    There is nothing that makes sense about the boat story though. Wouldn’t commercially rented boats have to follow a set travel plan/time even in Australia? So the CEO can’t just be like “oh we’re actually just gonna be on here another 6 hours lolz”?

    Also it is Australia FFS. No one who grew up there is diving into the water at night, in evening wear, while trying to carry a Mary Poppins-like bag in their mouth that is somehow also big enough to fit their shoes (!). Who was already extremely seasick and having panic attacks to the point of crying and shaking while on the boat. Experienced swimmers, who have all their wits about them, don’t like diving into unfamiliar waters at night for basic safety reasons.

    There very well could have been sharks or alligators in that water (or box jellyfish, and any number of random and tiny maritime creatures whose sole evolutionary purpose is to painfully mess with humans). Nor are guests or security at Sydney Opera House going to be all “oh yeah sure whatevs” when a drenched woman in evening wear, carrying shoes in her mouth (!), tries to just waltz into the Opera House bathroom after midnight to dry off, and is like “oh I just fell into the harbour, tee hee, no biggie, oh hey is the concession stand still open?”

    PLUS the whole *kidnapping* aspect of people not being allowed off the boat by “security” when it docked to let off the guy who had injured his arm earlier in the evening. No one had cell phones on them to call 000? No one just started causing a scene at the dock and daring hired security to *physically* restrain them into staying on the boat??? No one started just straight up screaming “let me off this [redacted] boat before I have the Prime Minister give you a booting!” at the hired guards??

    Look, I think it’s silly to treat *every* internet anecdote as an “and then everyone clapped” moment. Life is a rich tapestry, blah blah. But there’s no way this wouldn’t have made some kind of news coverage (possibly even international). I mean, WTF.

    If the story had been about a company taking a boat trip to Manhattan but it’s hijacked by a vaguely-supernatural serial killer who wears a hockey mask and he picks everyone off one by one in ironic deaths until he’s taken out by toxic waste runoff beneath the sewers (a nightly occurrence apparently in the Big Apple), I would find it more plausible. Especially if 90 percent of the story was people talking about going to NYC while still on the boat, but the actual NYC scenes were primarily backlot footage and no iconic landmarks because the studio ran out of money and time.

    (Yes I am talking about Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan. A ridiculous, yet fun mess of a F13 movie).

    1. Thatsnotaknife*

      Definitely some exaggeration in this story, but as someone who did grow up in Australia I can definitely see myself doing this.. It’s very possible that the sun might still have been up, Sydney harbour is very well lit and a cruise like this would probably be staying fairly close to the shore. Any kid who has learned to swim in Australia has practiced survival skills including swimming with clothes on at least once in their lives, and if it’s a summer Christmas party I’d imagine you would be wearing a fairly light dress, even if it is long, that would be easy enough to swim in.

      Also there are no alligators in Australia, only crocodiles and there definitely aren’t any in Sydney harbour lol… nor box jellyfish! Could be bull sharks but I would honestly take my chances

      1. Bernice*

        That was my story. I think it was probably around 9ish when I jumped? It was pretty well light from the Harbour lights. Any sharks would have been in my imagination :D

    2. WS*

      It is funny you mention the Prime Minister of Australia in the same breath as drowning, though… (see the Harold Holt Swimming Centre for details!)

    3. Bernice*

      That was my story. Who said I was sensible jumping into the water? That was never a statement I made – I was just desperate to get off the boat. Mary Poppins? Kidnapping? Physical restraints? Did you fail at reading or just like writing your own insane movie plots?

      And no, no one had cell phones. It was the about 1992, I certainly didn’t. No one was causing a ruckus to get off the boat, they were enjoying drinking and dancing. There were no security guards at the Opera House. You live in a strange, strange world.

      What’s with the Jason takes Manhattan business? Is this the same nonsense comment as the previous person? You sound like you need to have a Prozac and a long nap.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Like, I think your story is epic and I can see a certain amount of disbelief just due to the epicness of it all, but it’s silly to react as though it’s impossible. Not in evening wear! As though obviously every lady who goes out in the evening does so in a full crinoline and a sense of proprietary. People are constantly popping into the water in my English port town – in the winter too!

    4. DawnShadow*

      The person who submitted this said it happened in the early 90s. I believe her. There was a lot less lock-step dedication to safety at all costs back then. I’m not sure why things changed, but it really was a different world.

      Since you brought up movies, I remember showing my kids the first Back to the Future movie in about 2012 or so. They were nonplussed because they couldn’t see the difference in clothing between the 50s and the 80s, to them it was all just people dressing weirdly in an oldfashioned way. The biggest takeaway I had was that Marty McFly, when the DeLorean broke down, hiked 2 miles into town at midnight. I remember when the movie came out, not turning a hair at that – what else could he do? But after I had a cell phone, that was almost unthinkable. It’s hard to imagine sometimes what a difference the year makes. I’ll bet OP was a lot more fit than I am now, and was more willing to put a dangerous plan into action than most of us are now.

  31. Media Monkey*

    i was definitely expecting Magic Mike’s performance to be of a …different… nature. just me?

  32. Bernice*

    OMG I’d forgotten I’d sent in my diving off the boat into Sydney Harbour story! Blast from the past… Still not my worst experience at work.

      1. Bernice*

        No, summer in Australia is pretty damned hot. I was able to kind of dry off with paper towels and hot air blowers. After about an hour or so I was mostly just really damp, and got a taxi.

        (What I left out of that story was I had taken my flat mate as my + one and I abandoned them there… but she was having a great time – free booze and dancing).

        1. Kyrielle*

          Oh my gosh I am glad I read all your follow-up comments, because I laughed SO HARD that you left your flat mate…! Glad she was enjoying it. Did you ever end up explaining to her what you did/were about to do?

  33. animorph*

    I actually love #8’s about the gift cards in a pot. I think it’s a great idea, you could make it normal and bring in standard gift cards, or fun and find ones from obscure places. There’s no faffing about on how much people spent, no pressure to spend above the limit, and no worrying about getting a personalised secret Santa gift.

    And if people don’t like them, they can swap afterwards!

  35. ThisIsNotADuplicateComment*

    #12 is fantastic.

    LW: You need specific information about her likes and dislikes before you buy her a bag!
    Boss, in tears: I’M TRYING

  36. It’s me, hi, I’m the comments, it’s me*

    I like to think that Tammy Knew Something about those apricots that everyone else didn’t. In my mind she’s in a spy movie while everyone around her is in a workplace romcom.

  37. Tess McGill*

    I gasped out loud over the diving into Sydney Harbour in an evening gown. Good for you! I will think of this every time I am trying to escape something awkward.

  38. 11th-hour*

    I truly love the bread pudding story every year, but the Daring Boat Escape may have…taken the cake this time.

  39. Len*

    Not allowing people to leave the boat party is completely bananapants, and I salute LW for their James Bond-esque escape.

    Also, I want to say that I misread #2 as the email clarifying that the skeletons were not ELIGIBLE. As in, to head off people trying to get additional goodie bags by saying “it’s not for me, it’s for Bob the skeleton”.

Comments are closed.