weekend open thread – November 23-24, 2024

by Alison Green on November 22, 2024

He is now permitted to touch her with one paw.

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Amp’d, by Ken Pisani. After an accident leaves him short one arm, a man moves back home with his father and tries to rebuild his life. Far funnier than you expect it to be.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 994 comments }

{ 994 comments… read them below }

  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. Spacewoman Spiff*

    Happy weekend! Does anyone have tips on winter sowing?

    Background: I’m zone 7B and this will be my first time trying winter sowing. (Also new to gardening in general! This will be just my second year with a garden.) I’m collecting milk jugs and have been reading lots of tips on what types of seeds do well with this method, but I’m curious to hear more from people who have done this. Advice on when I should start my seeds, plants that have done really well for you, maybe a story or two about how great your garden is! Right now I’m excited by the idea of starting to work on my garden in the winter. :)

    1. MissB*

      Iirc, sowing on/after the winter solstice is typical. I’m usually too busy until January.

      I found that putting large coffee filters in the bottom of the milk jug before adding soil helped deter slugs. Not completely but it helped. Some things were just hit hard by slugs- zinnia in particular.

      Because of the elevation here as well as the big trees around my lot, I have to choose tomatoes with fairly short maturities. They are things that I absolutely won’t use winter sowing for (Mexican sunflowers are the other that I won’t use this method for.) I live in the rainy PNW. Some springs are cold and wet.

      It’s great for perennials like poppies, gaillardia, lupine etc. It is also great for starting asparagus and artichokes from seed. I have less success with starting annuals but in theory, it should work just fine.

      I’m getting a greenhouse next spring so I’m shifting away from winter sowing.

      I am, however, loving seed snails …

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Thanks for these tips! I’m still figuring out what seeds to order, and begging milk jugs from my neighborhood coffee shops, so January is feeling like the soonest I’ll get everything together—I’m glad for the confirmation that’ll be alright!

      2. Aspiring Gardener*

        I missed the early part of this discussion, but has anyone tried growing mache’? I’ve had it only about twice– it seems to show up only occasionally in specialty shipments at stores, but I really love it and wonder how hard it is to grow yourself.

    2. Viette*

      It should be pretty easy! The jugs are a greenhouse for the seeds, so direct sunlight is crucial. That being said, if you live in a place that gets wind or storms, the jugs can get blown over or otherwise disturbed (also if you have bored delinquent animals, wild or non). If you have a raised garden bed where you’ve covered the dirt for the winter with a tarp, you can just put them in there. If you have a simple wooden crate without a lid, or similar, put them in that, or some people tie all the handles together with twine. All the websites have photos of the milk jugs ensconced in a loving blanket of snow, but at least where I have lived the loving blanket of snow -> it’s sunny and warm transition has some intermediate turbulent weather.

      Leafy greens and other fairly simple things are good to start with. Solanaceae are wimpy and high maintenance and I would not try with them, or the very least not for your first attempt.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Oooh, thank you for the tip about stabilizing the jugs. I hadn’t thought about that at all, but I have some…active and very curious squirrel visitors to my yard…so I’ll probably try the twine trick if I can’t get ahold of a crate.

    3. The OG Sleepless*

      I’m also in 7B and I used to have good luck with kale and chard. My yard finally got so shady I had to give up on vegetables altogether!

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Thanks! Right now I’m planning on mainly flowers (soil issues, can’t grow food in the ground) but I have a couple of big planters and it might be worth trying some veggies, see if I can redeem myself as a vegetable gardener. I did tomatoes last summer but with all the heat waves, they struggled…then just got eaten by squirrels.

    4. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

      We’re in 7B as well (Maryland). We’ve never used milk jugs but have done cold frames. Greens winter over well here – hearty ones like collards and some varieties of kale will survive a light frost, and lettuce grows fast enough you can just replant if it freezes. Carrots are good too – where we are it hasn’t been cold enough for a sustained period for the ground to freeze the past few years. It’s a little late for garlic – we try to get that in around Nov 1.

      Your county agriculture extension agency should have good advice specific to your area – USDA zone is only about winter lows, and doesn’t consider summer highs or precipitation.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Thanks for all the advice! I’ll look up more specific info—this is only my second year with a garden (and first with the time to plan it) and I have so much to learn still! I’m excited to see what I can get going for next year’s garden. :)

    5. PostalMixup*

      What are you planting? The advice already given seemed mostly geared toward veggies and is counter to what I know for native perennials (I’m in 7a after the zone reassignment). For those, you often want the jugs in the shade so they don’t heat up and sprout too early (or fail to stratify altogether). The only year I tried milk jugs, I left them in the sun and everything sprouted early and the froze overnight.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        I’ll be planting mostly or entirely flowers. (I haven’t had my soil tested yet, but where I live the soil is often heavily tainted by lead because the area was home to a lot of smelting plants, so no food in my soil.) I’ll do some more reading on where I should place the jugs, I wouldn’t have thought of that because everything I’ve seen has generally been to keep them in the sunniest spot of my yard. Thanks!

        1. Jessastory*

          planter beds you fill in raised planter beds you fill with bought soil should be safe for planting veggies, especially if you’re not doing root vegetables.

    6. S*

      I’m in zone 4 and tried winter sowing for the first time last year. It worked great for cool loving plants and to start perennials. The perennials I started all flowered first year (hollyhocks, gaillardia, prairie coneflower, pansies). This year I’ll do lettuce, kale, and Swiss chard again, plus any remaining pansy and hollyhock seeds. I start a lot of annual flowers inside so I might experiment about what others I can start this way.
      I didn’t use milk jugs. Instead I used a few clear totes, probably 1 ft x 1.5, and drilled holes in the bottom and lid. Inside the tote I set up the plants in reused plastic pots. It was pretty solid – I had no issues with wind and it was easy to remove the lid when neeeded. If the temps dipped down it was also easy to move the tote into shelter.
      I started them as I found time with annuals I start inside under grow lights. The best thing about this method is that it really doesn’t matter when you start the seeds, they’ll germinate when they feel the conditions feel right. The only time constraint is if you are starting anything that needs a long period of cold stratification- like pansies, they germinate better if they’ve had a few weeks of cold.
      I’ve been gardening 6 years. mostly flowers now, but a few simpler veggies thrown in. I love it, it makes me so happy when people walk by and compliment the yard.

      1. Spacewoman Spiff*

        Thank you so much for the tips! I’m planning on hollyhock and coneflowers so I’m really happy those worked well for you. I’ve got a few perennials and some annuals in my scheme and I’m curious to see which do well in the milk jugs. Also, thank you for the reminder that I don’t have to worry too much about timing! I think because most advice on seed starting is for starting indoors, with specific timings, I have a hard time letting go of that and remembering that outside, the seeds will come up when it’s right for them. I’m really excited for next years garden! I just had some annuals from Home Depot and Lowe’s this year, and even without much variety in the garden, it made me so happy to look out in my yard.

    7. Scv*

      I’m in zone 4 and tried winter sowing for the first time last year. It worked great for cool loving plants and to start perennials. The perennials I started all flowered first year (hollyhocks, gaillardia, prairie coneflower, pansies). This year I’ll do lettuce, kale, and Swiss chard again, plus any remaining pansy and hollyhock seeds. I start a lot of annual flowers inside so I might experiment about what others I can start this way.
      I didn’t use milk jugs. Instead I used a few clear totes, probably 1 ft x 1.5, and drilled holes in the bottom and lid. Inside the tote I set up the plants in reused plastic pots. It was pretty solid – I had no issues with wind and it was easy to remove the lid when neeeded. If the temps dipped down it was also easy to move the tote into shelter.
      I started them as I found time with annuals I start inside under grow lights. The best thing about this method is that it really doesn’t matter when you start the seeds, they’ll germinate when they feel the conditions feel right. The only time constraint is if you are starting anything that needs a long period of cold stratification- like pansies, they germinate better if they’ve had a few weeks of cold.
      I’ve been gardening 6 years. mostly flowers now, but a few simpler veggies thrown in. I love it, it makes me so happy when people walk by and compliment the yard.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Hi Alison, Would you allow commenter’s to share their crafty sales URLs? It would be nice for those of us who want to support small ventures.

    3. Tuxedos unite!*

      I also have a young male tuxedo cat who as of recently is allowed to touch my elderly female cat…..with one paw. I LOL’d when I read that caption.

    4. RLC*

      His facial expression is priceless!
      If this was our cat family, the next move would be a boop right back with a tortie paw.
      “But Mom, he started it!!!”

  4. goddessoftransitory*

    Fun question for procrastinators of entertainment:

    What shows have you put off watching until well past their premieres? I’ve recently started Bob’s Burgers and Only Murders in the Building and am greatly enjoying both. Last year it was Midnight Mass on Netflix.

        1. Inside the beltway*

          OMG, are you the same RussianInTexas who keeps posting to the Washington Post comments page?

          2. RussianInTexas*

            I didn’t think I posted there enough to be memorable in any way, since I sent away from the political comment boards.

    2. Emperor Kuzco*

      I started Dexter a month or two ago and I’m almost through season 3 (of the original run). I mostly avoid watching shows that haven’t been completed because I’ve been burnt in the past :’)

    3. WellRed*

      When they launched the new sex and the city I “saved” it to watch new years weekend so I could see the whole thing without waiting for episodes.

    4. Harlowe*

      I exclusively watch cancelled TV now, to avoid disappointment. I’ve been burned too many times. Considering starting Supernatural, but the length is daunting.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        If it helps, there’s a good stop point about five seasons in. That is, as I recall, where they planned to stop, but they were so popular they kept going and I personally found they lost a lot of steam and kind of got weird after that.

    5. Harrowhark*

      I’ve probably watched less than a dozen shows weekly as they were airing, and for nearly all of those, at least one season had wrapped up before I started watching. The longest gap between a premiere and my belated viewing would be Doctor Who, though—I started watching episodes from 1963 this year!

    6. Jay*

      I started 30 Rock many years after it’s end date.
      I mentioned this once before here that I had always thought that 30 Rock must somehow be the sequel to 3rd Rock, which was what people used to call 3rd Rock From The Sun. I didn’t like 3rd Rock, so I always assumed that I would also dislike it’s ‘sequel’.
      Apparently a surprising number of AAM regulars thought the same thing!

    7. Bluebell Brenham*

      Watched all of Community during the beginning of Covid, and also the beginning seasons of Parks and Rec.

    8. fallingleavesofnovember*

      My husband and I always seem to watch shoes 10+ years after they finish. We watched The West Wing for the first time around 2018 and only recently watched Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul…not sure what is next on the list!

      1. Clisby*

        How did you like Better Call Saul? My husband and I gave up on Breaking Bad after 3 episodes where we didn’t find a single character likeable or even interesting. Our son says he thinks we’d like Better Call Saul more.

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          Eh, Saul is somewhat more endearing and definitely more entertaining than Walt in Breaking Bad. You understand more of why he is the way he is, but he does consistently make bad choices and so do the other characters around him. You could try a couple of episodes but neither are really shows where you can wholly go in and root for a character.

          1. Clisby*

            It’s more than not being able to root for a character – I just didn’t find any of the characters at all interesting. In comparison, The Wire (probably my all-time favorite series) had plenty of characters I wasn’t actually rooting for – but I found them very interesting.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          My husband had the same problem! And we loved Better Call Saul.

          Jimmy (Saul) is not unredeemable. He has some good instincts, which he sometimes acts on. Also some not good instincts, which he sometimes acts on. You are never sure which set is going to win. (True of other characters, as well.) There is a little more lightness and humor here than in BB, and that shift really makes a difference.

          One unexpected joy is that since I didn’t know any of the recurring characters from Breaking Bad, I could just enjoy fun side characters when they appeared, and then be delighted when they suddenly blossomed into the focus of major story arcs.

      2. RC*

        I watched the entire first season on an airplane in the Beforetimes and was hooked. And then had to wait 3 more years for the rest of them!

    10. Msd*

      For some reason I’ve never watched any of the Chicago xx shows. I just started watching Chicago Fire on peacock. Between Chicago Fire, P.D., and Med there are approximately 640 episodes.
      However, I’m not sure I can even begin to make it through 640 episodes. I’m only on Chicago Fire season 1 partway there episode 3 and I’ve already seen a fireman killed, guy smooshed by collapsed foundation, little girl needing blood pulled from her heart by emt, firemen falling through collapsed floor, girl killed by falling down high rise window washing equipment, guy impaled on iron fence, kid paralyzed in car accident, car almost going over a bridge. And I think I’ve forgotten a couple. It’s a lot.

      1. Harlowe*

        There is also Chicago Justice, which only got one season. It’s excellent, but the last episode was very obviously meant to be a cliffhanger to a second season, so prepare to be frustrated.

      2. Elle Woods*

        I love Chicago Fire and have seen every episode of it from the beginning. You’re right: the early episodes are a lot. As the show progresses, it becomes more character-driven and less fire-driven. There’s still a call or two every episode but they take up less and less screen time.

        Med is OK; some of the characters from the early seasons annoy the h*ll out of me. P.D. is one of those that if I’ll watch if I feel up to it but it’s definitely not “must see TV” for me.

      3. Mimmy*

        I’m watching Chicago Med (I love medical dramas) and just started Season 2. I felt like each episode sometimes had a little too many subplots and not well-edited. I’m assuming they’ve improved the show given that it is still on the air 10 seasons in :)

      4. Clara Bowe*

        I’ve not seen any of the Chicago! shows, but I am always curious because they shoot near me all the time.

      5. ChicagoTypePerson*

        I’ve also never seen any of the Chicago shows, which is ironic, because I live in Chicago. But my cousin, who lives in a different country, watches a couple of them and told me that it makes her think of me.

    11. EA*

      I started watching Grey’s Anatomy when on maternity leave and I’m pretty sure it was on like season 18. I only made it through like 3 seasons though…

      Also Jane the Virgin, one of my favorites – I started watching the year that it ended. Loved it!

      1. Mimmy*

        I binged the ENTIRE series last year and am still following it. It’s definitely not as good as it was in its heyday, but I still enjoy it.

    12. Goldfeesh*

      I’ve been watching True Blood. I was initially confused because I thought it was going to be a show about vampire detectives- finally figured out I was conflating True Blood and True Detective in my mind. I hadn’t seen either but just heard of them. Lol.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        IMHO True Blood is another case of “the book was better”
        (Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse series)

    13. allathian*

      We just finished the 4th season of Only Murders in the Building. Last summer we finished watching The Wire. Before that, we watched Boardwalk Empire. Just started watching The Sopranos.

      We started watching GoT when season 7 dropped. We’re watching House of the Dragon season by season.

    14. The Prettiest Curse*

      I still haven’t finished watching The Wire (2 seasons to go) or Game of Thrones.
      It also took me forever to get around to watching Mad Men, and I’ve still never seen the first season.

      Also, there are a lot of acclaimed US shows that I’ve either partially or never seen because (prior to multi-channel TV and streaming), a lot of them either never made it to British TV or were shown once at a weird time and never repeated.

    15. Helvetica*

      Something in my brain refuses to watch or do anything that is popular, and I’ve learned that I just need to be patient with that.
      Anyways, for me one example was Fleabag, way after it came out and everyone talked about it. And then I watched Season 1 and loved it, but put off watching Season 2 for another year (!) and when I finally did, it was as good and intense and enjoyable as everyone had said.

    16. heckofabecca*

      I’m less of a procrastinator and more of a “someone else needs to get me to do it” sort of person… if that makes sense! In the last 1.5 years, I’ve watched The Owl House (INCREDIBLE); Brother Bear (the movie, also incredible); Practical Magic (fine; entertaining)… Probably others too!

    17. CtheRocker*

      Binged “Why Women Kill” this week and really enjoyed it! Ugly Betty and Brooklyn 99 were two of my faves this year as well.

    18. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I bounced off The Mandalorian hardcore twice and then binged two full seasons in one weekend. (But I still think Grogu is massively overrated. :-P )

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I don’t mind them at all within the show, but Grogu in particular takes up a disproportionate amount of Star Wars merch space these days, heh. I recognize that I am in the minority in finding him entirely overrated, but it is what it is.

      2. allathian*

        The Mandalorian is my favorite SW show, but I think it fell a bit flat after Din Djarin took his helmet off and we saw his face in every episode.

        Grogu’s okay, I like the relationship between him and his “dad,” but I think ge takes up a bit too much screen time.

    19. Falling Diphthong*

      I watched Sex and the City after the finale. This was when my children were small: it was a half hour show that was inappropriate for children, but that didn’t mean gore and decapitation.

      Binged How I Met Your Mother when I was sick, catching up to real time with one season to go. I don’t think it aged well, but it had bits of observational humor that really hit for me. The whole bar getting deeply engaged in a debate about the origin of bread vs beer pre smart-phone, vs one person looking up the answer now.

    20. RussianInTexas*

      Breaking Bad, Dexter. Mostly having to do with not having cable and waiting for them to show up on streaming.
      Northern Exposure, because it only showed up on Prime recently, I was too young and not in the US for it’s original run.

    21. Lilo*

      I just found Ghosts (I’ve been watching the US version because it’s more feel good than the UK version, but both have their merits).

    22. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I didn’t start *Death in Paradise* until a good 12 seasons had passed. It was cool because when I loved it, I had all those seasons to binge!

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I haven’t checked out Midsummer Murders yet, but perhaps I should! : )

      1. Shakti*

        Mad men is definitely worth it!! When I started watching it was on season 4 and everyone told me to give the first season 4 episodes and then see how you like it and it was amazing

    24. chocolate muffins*

      I do this with 99% of the shows I watch, sometimes because I want to be able to binge watch them but mostly because I am just behind the times. I watched The Office during COVID lockdown, for instance. Watching Parks & Rec now and will move on to Brooklyn 99 once I’ve finished the last season.

    26. Magdalena*

      Schitt’s Creek.
      Tried to watch the first episode when it first aired and found it meh.
      Then this year: came across a funny / sweet scene from the 3rd season on YouTube shorts and liked it so much I decided to watch the entire show starting from the 3rd season.
      It has now become my favorite comfort show. The first seasons are much more fun to watch after you first get to know and like the characters the way they developed in the later seasons.

      Come to think of it, there’s a lot of shows I first decided to watch because of YouTube shorts.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Yes, it really picks up in season 3 but it’s a hard sell to get people to watch through the first two to get there! (also a comfort show for us)

        1. Magdalena*

          Well in my case, I didn’t – I started watching from Season 3 onwards and it was no problem at all.
          I’ve since read several commenters on a fan forum who did the same thing (started with Season 3). I did watch Seasons 1&2 afterwards and enjoy many scenes from these seasons but Seasons 3 to 6 are so much better and stand on their own.
          One thing I love about this show is that the writers / creators decided to make the little town a place without bigotry/homophobia – where the central (LGBT) characters’ relationship gets to thrive and just be, and it’s such a breath of fresh air.

    27. Quinalla*

      So I watched the first two seasons of The Bear a bit after they came out, but this third season we just haven’t watched yet. It’s a great show, but it’s so intense, just haven’t been in the right headspace for it yet.

    28. ubotie*

      I just finished Lucifer and only got into Stranger Things last year. There’s no real “I want to be nonconformist!!” reason—it’s usually just a question of time or mental bandwidth. Or streaming access (like when I didn’t have HBO for the bulk of Game of Thrones).

    29. Clisby*

      We didn’t watch The Wire until years after the series ended. I still think it might be my favorite ever TV series.

    30. Spacewoman Spiff*

      The Americans, which I only watched after its run was over. Such an incredible show! I was kicking myself for not starting it sooner.

    31. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      I’ve gotten to the point I usually wait until a show is cancelled before I start so I can just watch the whole thing straight through or until I get bored with it. I kept finding myself rewatching all the old seasons when an new one drops because I forget the details.

    32. Elizabeth West*

      I watched The Good Place in its entirety not too long ago. A perfect show, no notes. I also saw a really good animated series called Scavengers Reign, where this ship crashes on a planet populated with hostile plants and and the crew tries to survive. It was amazing. It’s a Max show but it’s currently on Netflix. Highly recommend if you like sci-fi and anime (it’s a bit bleak, though).

    34. Jessica*

      I just this year watched Gilmore Girls (2000-07). Something I read by chance piqued my interest in it, it was available on Netflix, so I started watching and really enjoyed it.

  5. Vanessa*

    I hope this doesn’t step into medical ish.
    My bottom teeth are shifting a little and I’m looking at Invisalign. But it’s pricey and I keep seeing adds for byte. It’s more reasonable and seems comparable as far as what is happening.
    Does anyone have any direct experience with byte. How was your experience?

    1. Orange banana*

      Please Google Byte. I remember seeing a story on cheaper alternatives and they’re cheaper for a reason. Lots of complaints about low quality aligners, untrained staff, low quality wanding of the mouth that will ultimately be what’s used to make the aligners. People sue over teeth falling out oral facial pain. Best to be as informed as you can.

      1. AnonymousOctopus*

        This. Unfortunately, cheaper isn’t better when it comes to teeth. I’m a bargain hunter for many things but mom always told me not to when it comes to medical procedures like dental care/lasik/medspa. You only get one body.

      2. Vanessa*

        Egads! Thanks for the push. I have googled but the concerning stuff was a little buried. Thank you for the info.

    2. That Certain Smile*

      My dentist has me using a system similar to Invisalign called “Clear Correct” which is a bit lower-priced than Invisalign. Clear Correct uses similar technology, but their computer algorithms are supposedly not as advanced as Invisilign and technology-wise they are about where Invisalign was 10 years ago. My dentists (a father and son team with a well-established practice and excellent reputations) monitor my use of Clear Correct and it seems to be going well, at least so far, with significant progress made since I started using it ten months ago. If you do something like this you really need to make sure you have a good dentist or orthodontist doing the work. Shop for the dentist or orthodontist before picking the correction method.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        I think this is the good advice. The technology is secondary to the knowledge of how to safely get to the end goal.

    3. AnnieG*

      Not sure how much my situation is similar to yours, but in case it’s helpful: I’m over 50 and had braces as a teen; both top and bottom teeth have shifted slightly over the past few years (though I only care about the look of the top ones). I looked into online aligner pricing, which is the same whether you have really crooked teeth or barely crooked teeth. Since I fall into the latter camp I went for a free consultation with an orthodontist and ultimately decided to go with her treatment; cost was $900 for one aligner and two retainers (one for the corrected top teeth and one for the bottom because their shifting and the resulting change in my bite may have contributed to my top teeth shifting) and all the associated office visits, molds etc. My dental insurance covered half the cost, but even if it hadn’t I would’ve made the same choice—it’s only a few hundred dollars more and the peace of mind that it’s an established, quality practice is worth it IMO.

      1. Reluctant Mezzo*

        I had mine evaluated, and when they started talking how much the rent for the backhoe, I knew my insurance wasn’t going to pay for it.

      2. Vanessa*

        Thank you for this! I hadn’t had braces when I was younger and now (also nearing 50) am just having a little shifting. This method sounds better!

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      We’ve finally gotten a little rain, which may help mitigate the drought conditions we were starting to face.

      2. Rara Avis*

        The atmospheric river has been creating very interesting clouds — a rainbow within a cloud, fun sunrise and sunset colors.

      3. Chauncy Gardener*

        The rain has been wonderful! Made a big dent in all the smoke in the air, at long last. What a relief!

      4. Elizabeth West*

        Same; it hadn’t rained in a month and we were having fires. Whereas last year, it never seemed to stop!

    3. anon24*

      Happy that my cats are happy! I’ve spent a small fortune in vet bills this past month or so (I posted a few weeks ago in the open thread about my male cat who wasn’t using the litterbox) but it has been worth every penny. The new vet is great, the meds are working, the behavioral changes they suggested are all finally paying off and both of my cats are happier and more at peace than they’ve been in months. My little guy has been trotting around all week with a happy wag in his tail like he used to and my little girl is not hiding so much but has been snuggling with me and laying by the window sunning her belly during bright cheerful days.

    5. epicdemiologist*

      Finding out that Destinos, the 1990s telenovela (soap opera)-style Spanish course for adult beginners, is available free online. My new daughter-in-law is Mexican, and although she speaks excellent English, not all of her relatives do. I want to be able to converse with them, and high school Spanish was (mumblety mumble) decades ago!

      1. H.Regalis*

        I loved Destinos. I would probably learn a lot of languages if they were all presented in soap opera format with an interlude for learning time. La Catrina was great too!

      2. RC*

        IMO, there’s no better way to learn a language than just properly watching a soap opera. The pace is almost certainly slower than a normal TV show cause they’re filling 4-5 nights a week. Although your vocab might end up skewed towards phrases like “suelteme” “no me toques” and “ni muerta me caso contigo” lol

        The place-we-don’t-talk-about-on-weekends dynamic is horrendous, but Yo Soy Betty, La Fea and the Mexican remake La Fea Mas Bella (featuring Jaime Camil before he got US-famous) are classics. I’ve seen a few on the streaming services; generally Telemundo has more interesting ones than Televisa (they’re fine to start with, but after a few you realize it’s the same story over and over in slightly different wrappers with barely any clones or evil twins).

      4. Nancy Drew*

        It’s so timely that you mention this PBS series from the 90’s! I’ve been very slowly making my way through Destinos over the last 2 years. Yesterday I went to view episode 28, only to find that the videos are no longer available via the link I’ve been using. The episode transcripts, textbook, and workbook for each chapter are still accessible. I hope I’m wrong and the link is broken, or something fixable on my end.

        1. epicdemiologist*

          I ran into the same problem and was assuming it was a browser issue on my end–but I was able to find the videos on YouTube!

          1. Nancy Drew*

            Thank you!! Phew! I thought the 80’s hairstyles, big shoulder pads and rotary phones were gone for good from my Spanish language learning!

    6. H.Regalis*

      I made a recipe I like: Roast (in a stick of butter) garlic and spinach combined into a sauce/paste and then tossed over angel hair pasta until it’s completely coated in that.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        That sounds delicious, H.Regalis. I’m a big fan of anything that involves spinach and garlic together!

        1. H.Regalis*

          It’s the cover recipe from the book Smitten Kitchen Keepers. Since the author has it in the book and not on her website, I won’t repost it, but I highly recommend it.

    8. SC*

      I’m in the southern US and enjoy gathering American wild persimmons and making some of my grandmother’s old recipes. Some years I’m unsuccessful at finding any trees in our area, but last weekend I hit the jackpot with a yard in our neighborhood. The homeowners don’t use the fruit, and told me take as much as I want. Two gallon bucketfuls and now lots of beautiful organs pulp stored in the freezer for baking this winter!

        2. carcinization*

          Yep, to each his/her own… I have a good friend who lives several states away, who has rhubarb growing in her yard… she doesn’t eat it or know anyone who does! Meanwhile, sometimes I have to pay $14/lb for it at the grocery store if I want to bake with it! She wishes she could ship it to me!

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        I have relatives in the South, who have really sold me on persimmons! Delicious and different.

    9. Evan88*

      I’m in the New Orleans area and this has been our first actually cold week so I was able to turn on the hot tub. We have a colony of bats that live in one of our trees so it’s been awesome to sit in the hot tub and watch the bats do their thing.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I went out socializing with a few of my favorite coworkers tonight, and we’re all remote so for some combinations of us it was a first time in-person meeting. We did an escape room and won! Then we went out to dinner and had a really nice evening. :)

    11. Bibliovore*

      I know this is nuts but Uniqlo has a Marimekko collab that usually sells out in my size. I had wanted the sweater dress and got it and then was on the fence. Wore it out tonight- it was perfect. Like wearing a hug.

      1. londonedit*

        I have the same dress! I think I got the last one in my size in the whole of London. I love Uniqlo and love Marimekko – and you’re right, the dress is so cosy and comfy to wear! We had freezing weather last week and it was perfect.

    12. Cookies For Breakfast*

      It’s the time of the year when a bakery Partner and I love has pecan pie in store. It’s by far their best product but they only sell it the last two weeks of November.

      We are not American and don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but pecan pie season is a tradition for us, because we love the one from this store so much. We usually get a slice each week it’s on. This week was number one :)

    13. allathian*

      My husband’s home after a week of traveling on business, and he’s about to have another week away from home next week.

      I went to the office on Friday and our 15 year old son had been home for about an hour when I got home. He was bored so he decided to clean his room (!) and now we have two totes full of clothes he’s grown out of to donate.

    15. Writerling*

      Finally putting out the bird feeder and see the regulars come back around! Notably cardinals. I’d missed them a lot.

    17. Falling Diphthong*

      This exists: Via his brother, my husband discovered the toilet paper holder extender, which you can use if the built in slots for them in your old bathroom do not fit the modern super gargantuan mega rolls.

    18. Hotdog not dog*

      We got about 8 inches of snow yesterday. Laughed at my husky wrestling, rolling around, and trying to catch snowflakes out in the backyard. Even better, the ground was warm enough that the snow melted on the pavement, so no shoveling needed!

    19. RussianInTexas*

      Conquered my weird fear of cooking tofu and cooked very tasty green curry soup.
      Made a trip to the newest Asian supermarket and stock up on more curry paste, cheap fruit, and some more exotic candy flavors, like the matcha Kit-Kats.

    20. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      My microwave is dying and I’ve been watching the sales to see how much the price drops. It was down 35% on one site (not Amazing) so I bought it this morning. Pretty sure it won’t drop more, but if it does, it’s still a pretty good deal.

    21. StrayMom*

      Taylor Swift concert with my daughter! We dyed the ends of our hair, made and traded friendship bracelets with strangers, and danced for almost three hours. But the thing that will help keep me from doom-spiraling for the foreseeable future is the thought of seeing so many fathers, accompanying their teen and pre-teen daughters, who bought in to the moment, and wore glitter in their hair (or on their bald spots!). It was an experience I won’t soon forget!

    22. Elle Woods*

      Having a couple of days of sun. The weather has been so gloomy this month that having those sunny days was a much-needed mood lifter.

    23. chocolate muffins*

      The rain and cozy autumn in general.
      Hearing someone who is become a friend say something very nice to me, about me. And getting to spend time with him + many other people I don’t usually have a chance to see.
      Playing at the park with my kid and a neighbor-friend.

    24. Annie Edison*

      Seeing Wicked the movie!! I was skeptical going in because I loved the stage version so much, but it was so well done and brought me right back to college, when I was completely obsessed with the musical and memorized every note of the soundtrack

      1. Clisby*

        So it didn’t feel like it was being draaaggggeeeed out by making it into two movies? I was talking to my daughter about it today, and both of us were skeptical about that part. We still remember our disbelief when The Hobbit was stretched out over 3 movies – I mean, the same director made the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy in … 3 movies.

        1. Annie Edison*

          I didn’t think so! That was one of my big concerns going into it, but I absolutely think it was the right choice after seeing it. It maybe could have been trimmed down by 15 min, if that- a few emotional beats that stretched out a little too long, tiny dialogue additions that could have been cut, that kind of thing.

          But I can’t see a way to fit it into one movie without either a) sacrificing the clarity and integrity of the story to the point that it wouldn’t make sense, b) cutting out way too many songs which kind of ruins the point of it being a musical, or c) ending up with something that’s 4 hrs long. Given those options, this choice totally makes sense to me.

          I’m not sure how well the second half will hold up on it’s own, but also it’s got some of my favorite songs in the second half so I don’t think I care- I’ll go see it when it comes out regardless.

          1. Clisby*

            It’s just – Part 1 is about as long as the Broadway musical of the whole story, which included an intermission. What in the world did they add that would make it worth watching?

            1. fhqwhgads*

              Haven’t seen the movie yet but possibly more details-ish from the book? I’m very much the target audience but didn’t see the stage version until right before the pandemic…and was extremely underwhelmed. And yet I still have high hopes for the movie.

            2. Annie Edison*

              Lots of visual world building, additional dialogue to flesh out the stories, and more time with some of the emotional beats to make it work on film?

              The best explanation I’ve seen is this – in a stage musical, there’s a certain suspension of disbelief you can use for scene changes and character development that don’t translate to a movie. Things like – oh look we all twirled in a circle while carrying some desks on stage, so now we’re at school instead of home! Or – look these two characters danced together for 8 bars and sang in harmony and now they’re best friends! That works in the conventions of live theater, but in a movie you need to spend more time with those types of transitions to make them work.

              For the most part, everything that was added served those types of purposes. There were a few extended moments that didn’t quite work but overall, it didn’t feel padded to me

              Belive me, I had the exact same thought in advance but it was an amazing movie and one I’ll definitely watch again

    25. voluptuousfire*

      I moved into a new apartment and there’s a gap in the cabinets where my cat’s litter box is. It used to be where the gas stove was, but it was removed. I was looking for some sort of table to go over it to help with counter space and it turns out one of my old end tables fits over it nicely. It’s a solid 9″ shorter than the counter but it will do the job until I find something better.

    26. BellaStella*

      I am going to a big wedding in an hour and I am in Arizona. Lovely weather and lovely friends and family. Am super happy for the ride and groom.

    27. Dr. KMnO4*

      My dad and I went to see Red One, starring JK Simmons and Dwayne Johnson (aka The Rock). It was exactly my kind of movie – ridiculous plot, good acting, good action, some comedy, some heartwarming moments. Is it a serious film? No. Is it going to win any Oscars for Best Picture? No. It’s just a fun, entertaining movie, which is what I am looking for.

      Also, a friend of my husband was getting rid of some of his Magic: The Gathering cards, and gave me three boxes full of them. I LOVE Magic cards (especially sorting them and figuring out fun combinations/decks I can build). The friend wouldn’t take any money, either, even though I offered.

    28. dapfloodle*

      Thought my spouse would be annoyed that I wanted a woven throw blanket that depicts tigers, that I saw in a store, but he was supportive of this so we went back to the store yesterday, and the blanket was still there, so I got it! I’m underneath the tiger blanket right now!

    29. David Rose*

      I went to a “Broadway Rave” last night, which apparently is when a bar hires a DJ to play Broadway songs and the whole crowd sings along. There may have been a stage and a slightly too impassioned rendition of Defying Gravity involved but I had the time of my life honestly.

    30. Random Bystander*

      Yesterday, I finished my unofficial NaNo project. 102k words altogether, 79k were written in November.

      A week ahead of schedule, and now I can enjoy Thanksgiving (taking the time off to let the story rest). Then in December, I’ll start editing.

    31. DannyG*

      My wife had some unexpected swelling after knee replacement, concerned that it might be a blood clot. All tests negative, so she is go to continue therapy

    32. Seeking Second Childhood*

      There has been an unexpected side benefit of my rescue dog’s cone of shame! Not only did it keep him from worrying an infected scrape, it has made him willing to let me start to brush his feet and face!

      Also the comfortable donut version came in today’s mail…. specifically a strawberry iced donut with sprinkles. So flipping cute, and he can pillow his head on it.

  7. Scottish Beanie*

    I’m in dilemma with a family member that is a live-in caregiver. This person does not pay much rent, but they do cook regularly. They clean sporadically, to the point where the home regularly is overrun with dog poop and trash; luckily, it’s confined to one room only, but the place often smells terrible. My opinion is that the house should be somewhat clean every day or, at least, no buildup of dog poop.

    My parent relays comments coming from them about not liking my impromptu visits because they don’t have a chance to clean up beforehand. At the same time, this person is also, apparently, resentful that I don’t visit often enough. I visit as often as I can (twice weekly) given the constraints of my job.

    My parent suffered a health episode, leaving them unable to care for themselves. For the past three years, approximately, this person has been the sole caregiver for my parent, which allows me to be able to work full-time. Without this caregiving, I’d probably have to take leave from my job and, without my job, I wouldn’t be able to afford caregiving at all.

    My parent has mentioned to me that this person‘s attitude has been very disrespectful and demeaning. I haven’t witnessed anything firsthand, but I’m already ready to essentially fire this person and kick them out. My dilemma is that I have hired outside caregivers before who have worked fabulously for a while and then have ghosted me. I have no idea how to rectify this situation and ensure that I have a reliable long-term caregiver for my parent. I’m trying to research live-in caregivers, but I don’t know how to get that started either.

    For anyone else who has been in this situation, were you able to find reliable caregiving as a single person? Also, did you have to contend with firing a family member or even kicking them out of the home? How did you do it?

    1. Enough*

      Are there any caregiver companies around you? My MIL had 2 , 1 stayed overnight and the other was there during the day.

      1. Scottish Beanie*

        The companies I know of cost more than twice what I can afford, and half the fees go to them and not the caregiver. Also, my parent has home health from some of these companies on a semi-weekly basis (covered by insurance) and the workers are not always reliable or timely, even though they represent caregiving companies.

    2. WellRed*

      Does the dog belong to your parent? MacNeil you hire a cleaner short term while you sort out the bigger problem of the relative who you need to fire and evict?

    3. EA*

      Oh this sounds so hard. When I was reading about the dog poop and cleaning issue, my first thought was hiring a cleaner. However, if the person is being rude and demeaning it’s a different story. Did your parent ask for them to stop being a caregiver? Is there any way to mediate between them? Wishing you the best.

    5. Evan88*

      And I hate to say it and I’m sure I’ll get jumped on, but it might be time to rehome the dog. If poop is an issue, that’s not a healthy environment for anyone.

      2. Cabbagepants*

        Agree, dogs should not be in the habit of pooping indoors. and it’s going to be a lot harder to find an affordable live-in caregiver if you’re expecting dog care/cleanup on top of it.

    6. Cheap ass rolling with it*

      Caregiving is hard. You say you can’t afford live-in caregivers, but this relative is providing this. Is this relative providing caregiving for free (and has to pay rent on top of it)?

      In that case, recognize the deal that you have and make life more pleasant for the caregiver. Get rid of the dog so it’s one less life they have to take responsibility for. And if your parents is still unhappy, ask them if they want to go to assisted living or what is realistic? Because even though your parent is frustrated, but that doesn’t mean there’s a better solution.

      (I also agree that hires can be unreliable and untrustworthy.)

      1. Sloanicota*

        I think I agree with this. We had a rotating crew of round the clock caregivers for my grandfather. It was very expensive and you still had to deal with unreliability (having the service greatly compensates for that, as they will reschedule/replace people, but as you say, you have to pay for that). And that was just one senior, not two. Caregiving is also a job that gets harder, not easier, over time. If this person is willing to do it, I’d probably do what I can to make it easier for them, such as hiring or providing cleaners, meal delivery, and respite care, because you’re not going to find someone else willing to do it for free. Or while paying rent.

      2. I just really can’t think of a name*

        I agree with this. The caregiver should not be paying rent, and should probably be getting paid in addition to room and board. Replacing them will be very expensive. Is it possible that the caregiver is snarky because they’re burned out? Hiring a weekly cleaning service and respite carer so they get some regular breaks could help a lot. You could tell them that you’ve realized they’re overworked and have thought about how to help. And, as part of that conversation, share your expectations around demeanor – they don’t have to smile all the time or anything but do need to be generally pleasant to your parent

        Also, is the dog poop inside? That’s unhealthy and unacceptable. If it’s an otherwise healthy dog, training and maybe a dog walker should fix the issue quickly. (But the training requires intense vigilance for a period of time – the dog can’t have free rein of the house until they’re trustworthy.) If the dog is old and incontinence is a symptom of other issues that can’t be treated, it may be time to think about end of life care. (Loss of bladder control was one of the signs our vet mentioned when our sweet 14 year old dog started to decline.)

      3. Scottish Beanie*

        The relative is providing caregiving and is receiving a biweekly stipend to do so. They also have a full-time job that they work during the day. They take care of my parent before they leave for work and once they return from home for about an hour each time. The dogs belong to the caregiver, not to my parent.

        1. Scottish Beanie*

          I forgot to mention that this relative does not pay rent. They live in the home for free. At most, they pay for some utilities sporadically. My parent and I also purchased a car for them.

          I’ve already had multiple conversations about demeanor. When I attempted to hire a full-time caregiver, and relieve my family member of their job, they developed a very nasty attitude to the people coming to care for my parent. It made it very uncomfortable for anyone else to enter the home. When that caregiver didn’t work out, my family member asked for their job back. I gave them the job back paying the same stipend. That person decided to bring two dogs into the home that are left alone while my relative works. My parent complains that they hear barking all day and smell poop all day (with flies) and can’t do anything about it. We have begged this family member to take the dog away, but they refuse to do it. They also are not cleaning after the dogs on a regular basis, which is why I see dog poop when I arrive.

          I recently heard from my parent that this family member has expressed resentment that I visit unannounced because then they don’t have the opportunity to clean beforehand, but it’s obvious that the place has been dirty for days by the time I arrive. On the other hand, this family member complains that I don’t visit often enough.

          I’m already in the works to try to find a caregiver to replace my family member, but it is very hard. That’s why I wanted to get some advice to see whether there’s something I haven’t considered.

    7. Cordelia*

      Caregivers get paid, they don’t pay rent. This person is living there and providing care for free, while still paying rent. So I think you need to stop thinking in terms of “firing” them and “kicking them out”. They are not an employee of yours who is performing poorly. If the arrangement is no longer working then maybe your parent needs professional care, either at home or in an alternative setting.

      1. HoundMom*

        Part of this depends on the level of care. If it is doing light cleaning, cooking, errands, dog walking, while a lot, it is manageable. If it is assistance with showers, toileting, dressing that is a different level. Has the care been progressive? Three years is a long time if this is not someone’s chosen profession. It may be time to speak to the caregiver and see if they are burned out and overwhelmed. At the end of the day, your parents have to be safe and an overwhelmed caregiver could lash out.

    8. JSPA*

      If the dog belongs to the carer, that’s a reasonable thing to put on them, I guess…but if you’re expecting someone to care full- time for a person, for a dog, and for a house, and not break under the strain? That’s a lot. Can your budget stretch to an outside cleaner, or a dog-walker?

      For comparison, with no dog in the picture, friends in canada were able to sponsor immigrant live-in carers (2, and for a parent in a mother-in-law apartment in the family’s house, so family and caregivers all had reasonable respite / personal time– which was actually a REQUIREMENT, under the labor regulations, which required housing, salary, PTO…).

      I offer this not because it’s likely to be a solution, but because it underscores that 24/7 caring is a huge task, in itself. And the family member may not be wrong to feel put-upon / under- supported / under-paid, even if the situation is disgusting, and nobody is happy.

      (When you visit, how much cleaning and caring do you do? Or do you more or less feel / say / telegraph that the payments and housing negate all hands-on duties that you might otherwise feel obliged to help with?)

      1. Scottish Beanie*

        Each time I visit, which is most often while my family member is at work, I am 100% hands-on with receiving and putting away grocery orders, doing laundry, cleaning the home, cleaning my parent, and/or attending visits with healthcare providers in the home. I also cook beforehand and bring food to my parent occasionally. I hope I have not made it seem as though I’ve completely ignored my parent, washed my hands of the situation, and that I don’t know what’s going on in their life. I visit them regularly and try my best to make sure they have everything they need. When I’m able to, I pick up deliveries, secure medication, and I am often conversing directly with doctors and nurses to get a grasp on the healthcare. My family member does not work full-time 24 seven. At most, they work about two hours per day. When they ask for time off, they receive it while still getting paid and I take over the duties to the best of my ability by taking time off from work.

    9. Ellis Bell*

      I think you need to untangle the dog poop/cleanliness issue from the disrespect/demeaning issue. If you can afford it, and if it would be cheaper than running the gauntlet with caregiving companies, I’d probably start with paying for a cleaner or a dog walker, or look into getting the dog rehoused to remove that issue. It may be that your relative is overwhelmed with the triple responsibility of caretaking/cleaning/pet care and if you take something off their plate they may be more patient, and more able to be a cheerful and respectful caregiver. (I think it’s significant that they want to see more of you, but would struggle to get the visiting circumstances right in order to impress you.) Talk to this person about what their challenges are with an open mind. The more you can encourage them to tell you, without interrupting them, the more insight you’ll have on the issue. Meantime, look into other caregivers, in case their attitude /unsuitability is irresolvable, but it’s a hard and underpaid profession, so very few people stay in it long term. I know that the relative you have in place is not paying rent, and maybe you think you would be more capable in their place, and more able to juggle responsibilities, but their wider ability is not the only factor; their availability and willingness (?) to care for your parent, in a way that makes your parent happy, is. So, I’d focus on what’s really behind the interpersonal clashes and if your relative feels supported while taking away the other requirements, or addressing whatever comes up when you speak with them. If you decide they’re just not suitable and don’t want to provide them with rent free housing any more, can make use of the home’s value in other ways? Sometimes people use the value of the home to free up money to pay for caring expenses. This stuff is never easy though, so my sympathies as you navigate it.

    10. Moldy Sandwich Generation*

      We had the opposite problem where my abusive dad was resistant to caregivers and scared away the ones he could get. There’s too much trauma and other complicating factors for us kids to handle it. By some joke of the universe he somehow ended up finding a girlfriend who happens to be a CNA and became his caregiver. She’s our age, which is super creepy and weird, but has solved the caregiving issue for now, *shrug*.
      I’m still trying to figure out what her deal is, like why would anyone want to be with an abusive needy self-centered person ? She’s doing all this work for him and I don’t think he’s doing much for her. I don’t think it’s a golddigger situation. She has her own money, my dad has very little and she hasn’t made any moves that are suspicious. They are interested in getting married but decided not to because my dad would lose benefits if they combined their incomes.

      I also worry that he might start verbally abusing her like he did my mom, but I’m not seeing it yet.

      They were able to get her some money from the state through medicaid. Depending on where you live, family members or other unpaid caregivers can sometimes get a little money. It might not help your particular situation except maybe talking some of the financial pressure off. If burnout is part of the problem, getting paid could potentially help the caregiver feel more valued.

      There might also be other local volunteer groups that can help elderly folks with tasks like dog walking or shoveling snow in the winter to help share the load.

      I hope you find a solution, hang in there.

    11. allx*

      I know exactly what you are talking about. With the advantage of hindsight, I can tell you that I would never handle it this way ever again. Meaning: do not have a relative take care of an aging person as a way to solve that relative’s housing need. They come to resent it and do a terrible job, as you are seeing first-hand. The relative also thinks they are doing you a big fat favor, and that you owe them, not the other way around.

      Cut the cord now. Figure out the options for your parent and choose the least horrible one. I did not want my parent to live with me so I appreciate that it may not be an option. But try to look at all the possibilities: Medicaid subsidized care, assisted living, daily services care, or moving them into your own home. There are services that provide daily care visits that can be affordable. I wish I had found out about this option sooner for showers and grooming. There are Meals on Wheels programs that can help with meals and wellness checks. Your parent may qualify for subsidy through non-profits, or assistance programs, or the military, or state programs. It’s a lot to learn and figure out. What you are doing now is not working. Figure out another plan and get rid of the relative. They are not equipped to help.

      We bought a home near us for my mother to live in in her later years. She lived there independently for a decade or so until she could not do so safely. About that time, her granddaughter (GD-my niece) moved to our area but was job and housing insecure, and also an older single parent to a pre-K child (Kid). Genius that I am (and also working 60+ hours a week with an hour-plus commute each way), I had the idea that GD/Kid package could move into the house to “take care” of my mom, meaning provide her with meals and see that she took her medicine. I continued to take my mom to all of her medical appointments. GD worked outside of the home when she wasn’t between jobs. We covered the home costs, cars, car insurance, gas credit card, housekeeping services, yard services, phone, electric, gas, internet, DirectTV, grocery money, a credit card for miscellaneous expenses, prescription drugs, child daycare and after-school care. We did not pay her a salary to take care of her own grandmother. Judge as you will.

      My mom lived for another decade as her health declined. GD continued to “manage” the house. Kid grew into a teen. I was willfully blind, cluelessly unaware that GD was not in fact managing well at all. She kept erratic hours-dinner was never at a normal dinner time. She was out frequently at night/after work with the Kid. Turns out she did not like to cook, so routinely would buy fast food on the way home at 9 pm. She would forget to leave lights on so Mom would end up in a dark house (mobility issues), eating crackers or toast to tide herself over.

      In this time period, GD got an ADD diagnosis. It is so obvious to me now, but I did not get it then, that her ADD made her not up to the task of taking care of a home, let alone my mom. My mom tried to tell me that GD did not do a good job. I saw it, but I didn’t really see it. I thought it was the best answer to a number of needs. GD came very much to resent me, my mom, and the responsibility, and came to view my mom as living in GD’s house, rather than GD/Kid living with my mom.

      I too would go by once or twice a week, visits that were seen by GD as not frequent enough to be helpful, while at the same time perceived as checking up on her and a criticism of how GD was managing the household. And the house (between housekeeping visits) was typical of an ADD struggle–clean and dirty dishes crowding the countertops, clothes everywhere, laundry undone, hoarding behaviors.

      My mom passed away in a medical crisis two years ago. GD/Kid still live in the house. I gave her a year’s notice that we would sell the house. Her response was to adopt two more dogs, including a pit bull (very sweet dog, not the point). When the time drew near and I sought a meeting with her, she said she couldn’t afford anything in our area (but she wants her daughter to continue to go to school here) so . . . . And that it was hard to find housing with three dogs. And that her child needs to go to high school here. She claims she doesn’t think is entitled to live off of me, and yet she has no solution and makes no apparent effort to find one. Because she doesn’t need to. She has her kid as currency. We still pay all housing costs, repairs, home services, car and car insurance. Despite a decade-plus of no living expenses of any sort, she has zero money. None. She lives paycheck to paycheck and spends every single penny. Obviously, I am a pushover ass for not figuring out how to get rid of a grifter relative with a kid I love but that’s a different story. I hope you don’t end up in a similar situation.

      If I was going to do it over, I would have bought a place outside the city that had room for a tiny mother-in-law cottage and taken care of my mother’s care myself. If I might gently suggest, though, perhaps ask yourself first whether your mother’s care is your responsibility. Maybe you don’t need to be solving this problem at all.

      Bottom line: no one should live with dogs shitting in the house. Your relative (I’m picturing a sibling) sounds like they may be struggling with mental illness. That is not a good person to put in charge of your parent. Find another solution.

    12. EngineerRN*

      I work in home health.

      What you are describing is illegal elder neglect.

      An in-home caregiver should be keeping the home tidy (necessary for safety), clean (necessary for infection control), comfortable (all patients have a right to a comfortable living space).

      This person is not an in-home caregiver. They are a renter, at best. I can’t advise about removing them from the home, as rental laws vary by state.

      As for finding an in-home caregiver, look for services online. One example is Right @ Home. These kinds of companies are better than private care because the caregivers anre background checked & insured (protects both the client & the worker), and the company covers the shifts if the main caregiver gets sick or takes a vacation.

      These companies do place live-in caregivers, though that is a bit less common than shift work (for example, a caregiver could be in your home when you’re at work, or could come morning/evening if you work from home and just need help getting the client out of and back into bed, or to do meal prep).

      It’s not cheap. $40-60/hour charge is common in my area, even though the workers typically make $15-20, baccarat of the overhead associated with the admin & insurance.

    13. Despachito*

      What do you pay this person, if anything? You mention that they pay some rent but do not mention what you pay them. Caregiving is hard work and caregiving 24/7 even harder bordering with impossible to one person. What do you do to contribute/ease the caregiver’s work? They may be overwhelmed and only doing the strictly necessary to keep them going.

      I’d also look into the the “demeaning and disrespectful” part. It may certainly be true, but it may also be a mental health issue of your parent (it happens that people resent their caregivers without there being a reason for that).

      It seems that the caregiver may be heavily overworked and exhausted and may need more help from you. Are there other people (siblings) that can pitch in?

      1. Despachito*

        Another aspect to consider when you think about “firing” that person – who will replace them? Will you be able/willing to finance that? You mentioned it will be impossible to do it yourself (understandably) – how will you proceed further?

        I confess I may be biased but I was a caregiver for a friend. The situation was different – she was living with us, her house was full of cats and we had to take care of them too. Between work, two little kids, the household and taking the friend to appointments, we only had the forces left to drive to her house three times a week to feed the cats and clean their litterboxes but the house was an awful mess because we just did not have enough bandwidth to do more than that.

        There was no one else to care for her but if there was a relative who would wantto “fire” us because the service was not perfect it would have been rather a relief (purely technically speaking, not emotionally), and he would be more than welcome to take care of all that.

        Basically, the money that would anyone have to pay a stranger to cook, clean and take care of the person who needs it 24/7 would not be within reach of anyone who is not filthy rich.

    14. Jen*

      My vote is, don’t fire the family member yet – ascertain what the disrespect was, and diplomatically try to address that, at the same time, if they are caregiving, why are they paying rent? Maybe strike a deal with them that if they clean more they can stop paying rent.

      Hire a cleaner once or twice a week. It’s cheaper than finding another caregiver, I’m guessing.

      And unless the dog belongs to the caregiver, unfortunately, you may need to find another family for it.

    15. Bluebell Brenham*

      Theres a lot of good advice in this thread, and it sounds like if you even want there to be a chance to continue with this relative serving as a caregiver , you two will need to have a detailed discussion to come to some agreement. I also concur with the folks that say that this caregiver needs to have some mix of free rent and payment for what they do. I like the idea of a separate person to clean and or pick up after the dog and walk the dog.
      Though, I don’t know where you live, there has been a caregiver shortage since before Covid, and it’s only going to get worse from here, given that the bulk of the caregiver workforce is immigrants.
      I really hope you are able to work something out that is a better situation for you and your mother, whether that means the family member stays and changes what they can do, or whether you need additional help.

    16. Scottish Beanie*

      Thank you, everyone, for the kind words and for the constructive criticism. I also appreciate the tips for how to find caregiving that I had not have thought of before (i.e., nonprofits). I should have included more details about the situation in the initial post, but I peppered in some comments just a few minutes ago. I had a very busy weekend and not much time to attend to replying like I thought I would.

      Here’s a synopsis of the situation:

      1. The family member provides toileting care for approximately two hours each day: one hour in the morning prior to leaving for work and one hour in the evening after returning from work. This is what they are paid for and the only thing they are expected to do.

      2. During the day, my parent receives in-home visits from skilled personnel to provide things like physical therapy, toileting, meals, and other things to help them recover from their health episode. These are all provided by the health insurance company.

      3. I visit 2 to 3 times per week. My parent and I have a great relationship and we talk multiple times every day over the phone and by text when I am not present.

      4. My family member does not pay any rent. They may occasionally pay utilities, but I’m not sure that is a guarantee.

      5. My family member receives a biweekly stipend from me to do this work, which we agreed upon beforehand and has increased overtime. My parent and I have also purchased a car for this family member as a thank you for the effort that they have extended toward the caregiving.

      6. My family member receives frequent breaks, often traveling with friends and doing things that people like doing. They still receive their pay even when they are not there. The only time they don’t receive any payment is when my parent goes into the hospital for more than two weeks.

      7. When I tried in the past to hire an outside caregiver, my family member developed a very nasty attitude to the point where people were afraid to come in. Even people who were not connected to paid caregiving noticed the change in my family member’s attitude and demeanor.

      8. I have personally witnessed my family member say disrespectful things toward my parent. I have had, at least twice, talked to them about this and asked them to behave with more respect. The behavior wanes and then comes back.

      9. My family member was the one who brought dogs into the home. My parent grew to like and accept the first dog, but a second dog was brought in later without concurrence. The first dog is housebroken and is a small, manageable dog. The second dog (brought in as a small puppy) is now big, destructive and loud, which has been disrupting my parent’s sense of peace. We have asked repeatedly for the second dog to get some training or to be given back to the person they came from. The second dog is kept locked in a crate all day while my family member is at work (which I’m told is OK by animal control), and my family member spends almost no time with the dogs while there. The dogs don’t even go for walks, as far as I can tell. I’ve already mentioned the poop.

      10. My parent is the one who broached the topic with me of kicking this family member out because they can’t tolerate this person‘s behavior anymore and they can’t tolerate the dogs. That caused me to ramp up my search for an outside caregiver, which I am finding to be daunting.

      I hope this sheds enough light to be useful to future readers.

    17. Scottish Beanie*

      . Thank you, everyone, for the kind words and for the constructive criticism. I also appreciate the tips for how to find caregiving that I had not have thought of before (i.e., nonprofits). I should have included more details about the situation in the initial post, but I peppered in some comments just a few minutes ago. I had a very busy weekend and not much time to attend to replying like I thought I would.

      Here’s a synopsis of the situation:

      1. The family member provides toileting care for approximately two hours each day: one hour in the morning prior to leaving for work and one hour in the evening after returning from work. This is what they are paid for and the only thing they are expected to do.

      2. During the day, my parent receives in-home visits from skilled personnel to provide things like physical therapy, toileting, meals, and other things to help them recover from their health episode. These are all provided by the health insurance company.

      3. I visit 2 to 3 times per week. My parent and I have a great relationship and we talk multiple times every day over the phone and by text when I am not present.

      4. My family member does not pay any rent. They may occasionally pay utilities, but I’m not sure that is a guarantee.

      5. My family member receives a biweekly stipend from me to do this work, which we agreed upon beforehand and has increased overtime. My parent and I have also purchased a car for this family member as a thank you for the effort that they have extended toward the caregiving.

      6. My family member receives frequent breaks, often traveling with friends and doing things that people like doing. They still receive their pay even when they are not there. The only time they don’t receive any payment is when my parent goes into the hospital for more than two weeks.

      7. When I tried in the past to hire an outside caregiver, my family member developed a very nasty attitude to the point where people were afraid to come in. Even people who were not connected to paid caregiving noticed the change in my family member’s attitude and demeanor.

      8. I have personally witnessed my family member say disrespectful things toward my parent. I have had, at least twice, talked to them about this and asked them to behave with more respect. The behavior wanes and then comes back.

      9. My family member was the one who brought dogs into the home. My parent grew to like and accept the first dog, but a second dog was brought in later without concurrence. The first dog is housebroken and is a small, manageable dog. The second dog (brought in as a small puppy) is now big, destructive and loud, which has been disrupting my parent’s sense of peace. We have asked repeatedly for the second dog to get some training or to be given back to the person they came from. The second dog is kept locked in a crate all day while my family member is at work (which I’m told is OK by animal control), and my family member spends almost no time with the dogs while there. The dogs don’t even go for walks, as far as I can tell. I’ve already mentioned the poop.

      10. My parent is the one who broached the topic with me of kicking this family member out because they can’t tolerate this person‘s behavior anymore and they can’t tolerate the dogs. That caused me to ramp up my search for an outside caregiver, which I am finding to be daunting.

      I hope this sheds enough light to be useful to future readers

      2. Cheap ass rolling with it*

        Thanks for the details.

        Your relative does sound problematic if they’re the one who’s bringing in the pets and not taking care of it.

        The issue is “provides toileting care for approximately two hours each day: one hour in the morning prior to leaving for work and one hour in the evening after returning from work.”

        An outside caregiver is unlikely to commute to your place for 1 hour work, 2x a day. It probably won’t cover gas cost. On top of that, you mention your family member is “nasty” towards caregivers. On this advice blog, we’re told to not accept abusive bosses or environments, so realistically it would very difficult to find anyone long-term. Maybe a neighbor would be OK if they were paid on the high end of salary? But you will still be stuck if they quit over your parent’s attitude or if toileting care becomes too difficult.

        Can you try working with your relative to get rid of the dogs. However, if your parent wants them gone, then ask them what’s the solution for the lack of toileting care? Is your parent willing to do their business in a temporary toilet in their room until the daily staff comes in, for example?

        This is such a difficult situation.

        1. Hlao-roo*

          The way I’m reading Scottish Beanie’s comments, the family member with the “nasty” attitude is the current caregiver, not the parent who was receiving the care. I think Scottish Beanie tried to hire a different caregiver with the family member/current caregiver still living in the parent’s (care-receiver’s) house and the family member was nasty to the outside caregiver because they wanted the care-giving job (and the stipend) back.

          If my read is correct, the family member/current caregiver needs to be evicted from the parent’s house around the same time that a new caregiver is hired. That would resolve both the dog poop problem and the nasty attitude problem. (Of course, eviction isn’t easy and this person doesn’t seem inclined to go willingly.)

          1. Scottish Beanie*

            You have the correct read of this situation. My parent is very lovely to caregivers; often becoming friends long after caregivers are done providing care. As a matter of fact, their former specialist visited not too long ago to deliver them a holiday food item, which speaks to my parent’s charisma and ability to make friends.

            It is my live-in family member that is the crux of the issue. Yes, this person does not want to give up this job because they will no longer receive the stipend. However, they show little to no motivation to do the job or even do it with a somewhat pleasant attitude. This, I know clearly. This family member works full-time, so I’m not sure why they are so willing to sabotage other caregivers when they already have steady income coming in, and they don’t pay rent.

            I’m inclined to follow Alison’s advice about acting as though the employee became suddenly unavailable (i.e., hit by a bus). However, doing this means that I would need to take a leave of absence from my job until I’m able to find suitable caregiving. I’m also thinking about my parent, who would feel incredibly guilty at me having to leave work, and I don’t want to put that burden on them either. It’s a lose-lose situation for me.

    2. noname today*

      If I’m putting it off, I probably don’t want to do it this weekend (grin, or ever)—though I may admit that I do want it to be done.

      1. Clisby*

        Seriously, catching up on all my filing (medical records, credit card statements, etc.) At least we finally got around to making new wills, durable power of attorney, medical power of attorney – so that’s all up to date.

    5. Tinamedte*

      Sewing and baking for my mother’s sewing group’s Christmas bazaar at her church. Yelp, suddenly there’s just a week left.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve lived in my tiny one-bedroom apartment for almost 18 years and over the years it’s gone from tidy to messy and in the last couple years I’ve felt overwhelmed by my stuff and clutter. I couldn’t get it together to find help. I finally gave up on trying to take care of it myself.

      Today my friend who’s a natural organizer came over. We cleared out the stuffed hallway closet and made it a usable space for all my camping gear and home cleaning stuff. We put together multiple bags of stuff to give away and purged lots of paper to recycle. All in an hour and a half. It’s such a relief to not have piles of stuff everywhere.

      She offered to help me again, next time with my bedroom closets. Hopefully we’ll be able to do that in a couple weeks.

      5. goddessoftransitory*

        I love doing that kind of thing! I’ve organized some friends’ piles of everything on several occasions.

        Be prepared to have Feelings about your clothes. And don’t deal with them by creating a “maybe” pile. It will remain there, in a pile, forever.

    8. Bart*

      Laundry—the whole cycle: washing, drying folding, putting away. My mom is over for the weekend and exclaimed “it looks like the dirty laundry is trying to escape from the laundry room!” That is how chaotic it is. Hoping to get everything put away, which is a stumbling block for me.

    9. Trixie Belden was my hero*

      My new Christmas wreath arrived and I purposely bought a plain one with lights so I could decorate it myself. I have some leftover craft pinecones/berries and ornaments/ribbon that are a perfect match for my house colors. I want to hang it Friday when I decorate for the holidays.

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Laundry, grading, and getting long-overdue birthday presents, bought, wrapped, and mailed.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        So far, I have achieved zero of these, but I did mail a couple of birthday cards to other people super early and made a failed attempt to find what I thought was a historic mini-mall for presents.

    11. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Tidy my study as the first in a chain of things that will lead to doing some writing. I hope.

      2. Generic Name*

        Reporting back: I got most of the cleaning done! Husband did the mopping after I asked nicely. Have to tackle the cat pans today.

    14. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Washed my area rug today, something I’d thought about doing a couple years ago.

      I still need to write a card for a friend. I should write up a bunch for the holidays!

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      -Probate paperwork
      -FMLA paperwork
      -Sort boxes onto new shelves to clear basement hallway

    16. dapfloodle*

      Got some things done yesterday, so mostly it’s writing/typing some instructions for the friend who’s coming by to tend to our cats’ needs while we are gone for a couple of days.

    17. Bike Walk Barb*

      My husband and I have been working on updating our wills, health care power of attorney (which we already have but with an old address), and living wills. This has led to good conversations about what each of us would want in an end-of-life scenario that we hope is still decades away. Better to have the conversation while it isn’t immediately threatening independence and routine.

      He has his draft will done, I’m reviewing his and doing mine. Having been through an ugly mess with a family member’s estate I know I’m giving his children and mine a gift by sorting it all out now and telling them our plans.

  9. acmx*

    Has anyone used we buy ugly houses or open door type home buying services?
    I’m interested in your experience and why you chose that route (if you’d like to share that part).

    1. Pocket Mouse*

      I haven’t, but I recommend reading ProPublica’s reporting on We Buy Ugly Houses for awareness. Link in reply.

    2. RussianInTexas*

      My partner has. He procrastinating for years in selling his townhouse, after we bought the house we live in. The townhouse was very cheap, in a bad pay of town, and got trashed while being vacant (long story).
      The process was fast and pretty painless, and he actually still made some money on the sale, considering that he did not have to do any repairs or most clean up.
      Now, he only went that route because the place was an albatross. He only wanted to maybe recoup the costs.

        1. Generic Name*

          I completely get just wanting to be done and not wanting to put forth any effort. If you aren’t living there, it should take nearly zero effort to list it through a traditional real estate agent. They’ll handle the advertising, showings, and draft the sale contract. Yes, you will have to pay them fees from the sale price, but they will sell it at a higher price than the ugly house buyers will give you.

    3. Katie*

      My brother used a service like this 3 or so years ago. At the time, he was fine with the transaction and it was easy enough. I thought he was crazy and severely undervaluing his house. Now 3 years later, without much renovation it has sold for 3 times what he sold it for. (Home prices in our area have easily doubled in the last few years so that piece isn’t a huge stretch.). He is having remorse now.

      So my recommendation is if you are happy with the transaction when it sells, never look at the house again to see what it’s selling for….

      1. acmx*

        Yeah, I’ve sold a house right before a boom. Someone asked if I regretted selling when I did. I had to keep in mind, that it was the right time for me.

        I regret this purchase.

    4. Not outing myself on this one*

      As someone with intimate knowledge of both these companies (and their brethren) – don’t do it unless you are desperate to move and have your money within a week, are okay with being taken advantage of/not getting what you could on the open market, and have literally no other options. As the other commenter said, if you go this route don’t ever look back – no reviewing your paperwork, no checking the numbers nor values, no verifying you got what they said you would, nothing. Know that if you went with them you were in an impossible situation and took the only option available to you – think of them as you would a loan shark in that you are going to get screwed, you just don’t fully realize how bad.

  10. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Tetris on Apple, which is–this is hard to believe–a fun, compelling story about trying to get the international distribution rights to Tetris. Captures the addictiveness of the game, and that it’s simple and easy to learn–like Wordle. Captures the mixture of monotony and wild chance that is international rights. Captures the Soviet Union teetering on the brink of collapse, and people trying to guess how to dodge.

    Just watched Deadpool and Wolverine, which was fun. But very surface level-y fun. Marvel seems to have mastered casting charismatic actors with great chemistry, and then giving them a plot along the lines “The entire world–no, all the worlds! all the worlds in all the timelines!–will end in a few hours, UNLESS we can somehow obtain a jelly doughnut. And there is a doughnut shop on the next block.”

    1. WellRed*

      I just watched the new Alex Cross tv series on prime. It’s dark, really good acting and characters. Would definitely recommend.

      1. curly sue*

        I love Aldis Hodge and gave the first episode a try, but the very first plot point in the opener ticked me off so much that I turned it off again. Does it get past that beat and move on to something more interesting, or is this yet another ‘fridged woman makes man sad’ crime show?

        1. WellRed*

          Not sure what plot point ticked you off but the first episode doesn’t begin to highlight how the series builds. The protagonist probably had mommy issues but he was driven by something else. If you like Alex Cross, give it another try. Feel free to report back if you hate it ; )

          1. curly sue*

            Spoiler warning for folks who haven’t watched.

            .

            The episode I started watching opened with two couples on a date, then BAM – Aldis Hodge’s character’s wife is shot. I have no interest in yet another series based on “his wife DIED TRAGICALLY and now he is VERY SAD and SOLVES CRIME” – the ‘fridged wife’ motivator for broody and driven male characters in media.

            (So named by writer Gail Simone because of a Green Lantern comic plotline where a supervillain literally left a character’s wife in a refrigerator. It’s about narratives that use terrible things happening to women solely as motivational fuel for men, rather than considering women as people in their own right, and I’m just so tired of it.)

            If the show is better than that, I’ll definitely give it another try. But if it revolves around ‘my wife died and now I have a sad,’ then I’ll pass.

    2. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      I just finished The Marlow Murder Club, a 4-part series on Masterpiece Theater. It was a delight – great characters and humor. I am reading the book it was based on now and it is just as good

      1. noname today*

        We are too—watching the tv show, not reading the book. And we live it. Also we are enjoying the Moonflower murders (equal to magpie murders)!

    3. fallingleavesofnovember*

      We’ve just started rewatching the first season of My Brilliant Friend, having recently learned the fourth season is now out. I’ve read the books and the show is pretty faithful to them, and just generally well done. The actresses they chose for the two leads, especially as little girls, are just perfect for their roles.

    4. The Prettiest Curse*

      I’m enjoying The Franchise, a comedy series about the crew trying to make a superhero film that’s completely going off the rails. Watching Richard E. Grant chew scenery is always fun, and the rest of the cast are great too.

      A couple of great films I’ve seen recently:
      – LOLA, which is about two sisters during WWII who invent a machine that allows them to see future TV broadcasts. Of course, the machine gets co-opted by military intelligence and then things go sideways pretty fast. Also, it’s probably the only WWII film you’ll ever see which has two people arguing about the future career of David Bowie.

      – The Colour Room, a biopic of the revolutionary 1920s pottery designer Clarice Cliff. Since she was a working-class woman in a male-dominated industry, a lot of the film is about her having to push back against the system in various ways. Phoebe Dynevor is terrific in the lead role, plus this film offers the rare opportunity to see both Matthew Goode and David Morrissey play nice people.

    5. The cat's pajamas*

      I loved the Tetris movie! I was skeptical at first, but they did an excellent job with it!

    7. RussianInTexas*

      Alex Cross, watched in one day.
      Silo, new season
      Dune: Prophesy
      Haven, the older show by SyFy channel
      The Lincoln Lawyer, latest season
      GBBO
      Say Nothing, on Hulu, miniseries based on an amazing non-fiction book about The Troubles.

    8. Lilo*

      I strangely found Deadpool and Wolverine to be really dull? I wasn’t expecting that but watching two people who can’t die fight each other just got boring at some point.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        If I am ever conscripted into the Time Cops, first thing I do is get my hands on a distance weapon.

    9. Rosyglasses*

      I just watched Widow Cliquot on Netflix and loved it. It was a sweet and poignant film about how Veuve Cliquot began and her impact on the wine industry.

      I’ve been watching Shetland on Prime and have pretty much binged through the other calmer crime drama series on BritBox (Vera, The Towers (albiet this one was a bit less “calming”)). If you like detective shows but need it not as fast-paced and very well-done, I’d recommend both.

      Last night our family watched “The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare” as a cable tv purchased new movie. It’s a Guy Ritchie movie that is loosely based on a WW2 group that helped shift the balance of Nazi invasions and the confidential files of Winston Churchill were just released in 2016 – and this was one of the Operations that was included. It was also very well done.

    10. SarahKay*

      I’m steadily working my way through Nashville which is currently free on My5 in the UK. I’d seen the first four series when they came out in the UK, but not the last three.
      I started again from the beginning and I’m really enjoying it – both the drama and the music – plus replaying all my Nashville ‘music from the series’ CD’s.

    11. Clisby*

      Re-watching the old Key West TV series from 1993. I was so disappointed when it was canceled after one season.

      2. Clara Bowe*

        That’s the Fischer Stevens one, yeah? I remember really liking that one. Is it streaming somewhere? Or was there a dvd release?

    12. Annie Edison*

      I’m continuing in my annual tradition of binging bad Christmas movies on Netflix and watched “Christmas in Notting Hill,” about an American special ed teacher who falls for a famous British soccer star while visiting her sister in London. The meet cute was sweet and there were plenty of appropriately cheesy Christmas-y and tourist-y montages, but the emotional beats didn’t really hit for me. I feel like it needed to be either a little better or a lot worse (like last week’s Hot Frosty) for me to really recommend it. There was, however, a quick easter egg reference to the 90s rom-com Notting Hill at one point that I absolutely loved and laughed out loud at

      Also, just want to say that I love your description of Marvel plots- it gave me a good giggle!

    13. Angstrom*

      The 2023 Godzilla Minus One. Recommended. Made in Japan for the Japanese audience. I think it’s fascinating to watch something like this and think “What is the story we are telling ourselves about ourselves?” In this case the hero is a failed kamikaze pilot, so intersting views on duty and self-sacrifice.
      The 2016 Shin Godzilla took a very dim view of the competence of the modern Japanese government.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      The Lost City on Netflix, in which a billionaire discovers actual relevant archeological information in a romance writer’s novel, and so has her kidnapped so she can decipher the clues and can find the lost crown for him. Sandra Bullock as the writer, and Channing Tatum as her cover model who comes to rescue her.

      This was fun and funny, leaning into the tropes of the genre while having some fun takes on them. There’s a part where it goes small and simple rather than big, which I think is underrated as a way to make a story more believable.

    15. Seashell*

      I’m re-watching Single Drunk Female, which is now on Amazon Prime. It’s been a couple of years since it originally started, so I have forgotten a lot of it.

      The main character is in recovery after her life falling apart, and Ally Sheedy is very good as her widowed mother who is not always that sensitive to her daughter and starting to date. I think it’s one of those shows where the title doesn’t do it justice. It’s funny and sometimes over-the-top, but it also has some sensitive moments.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I loved Single Drunk Female. Really rooted for all of the characters.

        Mindy the Wise: Embracing sobriety, coming to terms with my gender identity, and finding your car keys can all be framed as side quests in a video game.

    16. Ashley*

      I just started A Man on the Inside. It’s on Netflix and although I’m only halfway through, it’s been so lovely and had several laugh out loud moments as well. For fans of The Good Place, it reunites Ted Danson and Mike Schur. Would definitely recommend!

  11. Jay*

    Freezer cleaning tips needed!
    I hope this isn’t too work focused for the weekend!
    I am more or less in charge of the lower half of the building I work in.
    I’m the only permanent employee there (this makes perfect sense and anyone is more than welcome to move down there any time they want, but it’s mostly storage and my job, while I very much actually enjoy most of it, often creates loud noises, large messes, and unfortunate smells. Before you ask, yes, these are the really fun parts of the job ;)
    The thing is, there is a large break room with a full kitchen down there that is used regularly around lunch time by several people, including senior management.
    In this break room there is a fridge/freezer.
    The freezer smells like rotting vegetables.
    I’ve taken everything out of there but a plate filled with baking soda (to maximize surface area), I’ve cleaned and scrubbed it. I’ve bleached it. I really don’t think I can get it much cleaner.
    The smell hasn’t gone away.
    Right now, I’m the only one who has noticed this, but, sooner or later, someone up the food chain is bound to.
    Then it will become a formal part of my job, instead of something I can bang my head against when I’ve got 10 minutes.
    It’s going to end up eating into my day in ways I don’t need.
    So how do I make a freezer stop smelling like rotten broccoli, when there is no broccoli in there or in the fridge?

    1. Indolent Libertine*

      You need some deodorizer sacs that are filled with activated charcoal. They can work wonders. Also be sure that you’ve thoroughly cleaned the gasket around the door; if the smell has permeated that material, the gasket might have to be replaced.

      1. RLC*

        There are also deodorizer sacs filled with volcanic rock (I think it’s pumice); non toxic and rechargeable. I’ve had excellent results using them in vintage cars that smelt of mildew and cigarette smoke.

    2. Just Another Cog*

      I wonder if there is mold somewhere that you might have missed. Maybe the door seal? Those can get pretty gross.

      1. Just Another Cog*

        Also, maybe just pull it out and make sure there isn’t a dead rodent or rotten food under or behind the unit.

    4. PX*

      You either need a hardcore clean, remove every shelf, surface, move the whole freezer out and clean the floor where its been standing and then as others have said – clean things like the seals/gaskets etc.

      Or just buy a new one. If something froze/rotted in it and it stood for long enough to penetrate some surfaces, you will never get the smell out.

    5. Pay no attention...*

      Does it have an ice maker or water dispenser? The smell might be mold and hard water build up in water lines or the door mechanism. Is there a water filter that can be changed?

    6. SuprisinglyADHD*

      When my fridge was smelling bad, it turned out that something had dripped down the back and was pooled UNDER a glass shelf. The shelf sat on the rim of the metal frame that held the brackets, and the stuff was under the rim. There was also gunk in the tracks for the drawers. Depending on what type of freezer you have, maybe there’s something like that you could check? Otherwise, if the freezer is truly spotless (sounds like you’ve been very thorough), it’s time to check the rest of the unit to see if it’s permeating from somewhere.
      Is there an air filter? It might need replacing, or if it’s not there, it might need one, period. There also might be something in the duct that brings cold air in (or warm air out), OR near the vents on the outside of the fridge, underneath or behind the unit. If there’s an icemaker, it might be worth checking that, too. A water leak could easily lead to mold in a weird spot.
      You have my sympathy, as the person who can tell the milk is bad 2 days before everyone else…

    7. LBD*

      Sometimes a bad smell from a fridge (one that smelled fishy) turned out to have leaking coolant, and that was what we smelled. Answer was to replace the fridge, as it was on its way out.

  12. Nibbles*

    I want to plan a holiday party for my friends but I’m having trouble thinking of a theme or activity to base it around, like I usually like to do with parties. We’ve done white elephant and Secret Santa gift swaps, cookie bake off, and gingerbread house building. I was toying with the idea of a holiday themed murder mystery. Any other suggestions?

    2. Fergus Lastname*

      I wonder if there would be a holiday themed escape room in a box? I did one of those (not holiday themed) before and it was fun.

    5. Helvetica*

      If you want to do something with presents, I’ve enjoyed Pakkeleg, which is a Danish version of white elephant with a die where each side represents an action. It’s fun and you can be flexible during the game, bending the rules as gifts get taken out of rotation.
      But if not gifts, then holiday murder mystery sounds delightful.

    7. Forensic13*

      I’ve done parties where we each make up our own Hallmark-style Christmas movie ahead of time and present it. You could make it themed around that!

    8. Golden*

      Wasn’t there an AAM letter about a workplace holiday party being both Richard Nixon and sports themed? Ever since reading it I’ve always wanted to attend a party like that.

    9. Honoria Lucasta*

      Cookie decorating is fun! And you can end with a contest for best-decorated cookie, wildest cookie, etc.

    10. Anono-me*

      Friends of mine always have a Christmas Tree decorating party. They make a huge pot of soup or stew and everyone decorates their tree.

    11. Party like a kid*

      Cookie decorating. You supply cookies, frosting, decos, tins for the finished cookies.

      This was THE holiday party when my son was young. It was the “All Boy Holiday Cookie Party”. Two hours, parents dropped off the boys and did not have to stay. Once the cookies were decorated, the boys went outside to play. I filled the tins with the cookies they had decorated. Different tin every year, with the name of the party and year written on the bottom.

      My son revived it a few times — coed—in high school and college. And I’ve done a version as well.

      It’s the most fun as a kid party (I was always in stitches!). But a lot is of adults enjoy it. For adults, have hot beverages and light snacks, a cake perhaps (Victoria sandwich aka Victoria sponge cake is nice and doesn’t require fussy icing, just whipped cream and jam).

    12. Quinalla*

      We do a holiday party where we play board games and have delicious food, really fun! There are a lot of social deduction games you can play with a lot of people and rules are simple and tons and tons of various games if you want to split into smaller groups. Folks love that party and look forward to it all year :)

    13. Bike Walk Barb*

      Craft project? At a holiday party last year someone brought little ornaments made by adding wire, beads, miscellaneous other dangling items to wine corks and putting a hook or ribbon hanger at the top. It looks like something that would be easy and fun for people to do on the spot if you had the corks, findings, and little bibelows that could be added on. I’m thinking of it for a craft day with friends. I’d tell them to bring the stray earrings and beads they can’t match to anything else in the house, have some extra pieces, and we’d go to town.

      Jigsaw puzzle assembly–multiple tables set up with easier and harder ones.

      Cookie decorating: You make the sugar cookie and gingerbread dough, let them pick out shapes they want to bake, have all the fun frosting tips, sprinkles etc.

      Depends on how many people–could do top your own pizza: My mom did this for me as a birthday party when I was a kid and it was a big hit. You have the dough and a couple of different sauce bases (when I was a kid it was only tomato; now I’d have pesto, a white sauce, and tomato), with dishes of lots of fun toppings already cut up. We were kids so it was a matter of decorating a couple of pieces on big pans and she could crank them out pretty quickly. If you have lots of adults this would take a while to get through the baking.

    14. Middle Name Jane*

      Puzzle party? Years ago, we hosted Christmas puzzle parties where we would put out a few card tables with a different Christmas jigsaw puzzle on each, put on music, serve food and drinks, and people could go from table to table and work on puzzles. You can get more generic holiday/winter themed puzzles if you want, and you can vary the puzzle size/difficulty.

    1. Fictionalized Reality*

      Wrapping gifts could be fun but usually the charities want them unwrapped. But you could do a gift theme where everyone brings gifts for charity rather than each other.

    2. Rocky*

      I’ve donated toys to toy drives before, and they always ask for unwrapped toys. (Which makes sense. They need to be able to see what the donation is to figure out who to give it to.) I would think the specific charity you want to give to would specify unwrapped or not, but if they don’t, I would assume unwrapped.

  14. Coffee*

    Last minute Thanksgiving guests are vegetarians. I regularly cook vegetarian food but none of it feels quite right for Thanksgiving, so I would love suggestions for a vegetarian entree!

    1. Bluebell Brenham*

      Stuffed roast squash, or some sort of veggie mix wrapped in a puff pastry both look really nice on the table. I’m a fishatarian, so if I go to friends’ houses and they are serving turkey, I love eating all the sides and saving room for pie!

      1. mreasy*

        As a former Thanksgiving vegetarian, I concur that the sides are usually enough… plus pie of course!

      3. Pucci*

        Separately sauté 8 oz sliced mushrooms, a cup of sliced leeks, 5 ounces of spinach (this can be done the day before). Roll out 1 puff pastry to make a couple inches larger in each direction. On each outer third, makes series of 45° angle cuts. On the middle section spread grated Gruyère cheese, then layer on the mushrooms, leeks and spinach, top with a little more cheese (you will need about 4-5 ounces total). Covered center with side strips, alternating sides – it ends up looking braided. Brush with an egg wash. Bake at 375° for 30 minutes. Final result looks fancy.

    2. word nerd*

      A lentil wellington? An entire roasted cauliflower (which is gorgeous too, but it does take a long time in the oven)?

      I’m vegetarian, and I would really appreciate if I went to a Thanksgiving dinner and the stuffing and gravy were vegetarian. They’re some of my favorite classics that I think are pretty easy to make vegetarian versions of and that meat-eaters usually don’t mind having too.

      1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

        Or portobello Wellington? Stuffed artichoke, baked sweet potato with cinnamon- and ginger-spiced beluga lentils on top, stir-fried asparagus with wood ear mushroom strips (flavored with sesame oil and white pepper).

      2. Coffee*

        we always have some vegetarian stuffing! only the turkey and gravy are meat based but I’ll look into a veggie gravey!

        1. Bluebell Brenham*

          You should be able to find lots of delicious mushroom gravy recipes that are veg or vegan. I’ve had a few excellent ones but never made it myself.

          1. Bike Walk Barb*

            I have an older recipe book that has a great vegetarian gravy (Three Bowls: Recipes from a Buddhist Monastery). It involves cooking down a variety of vegetables (carrots, onions, celery, mushrooms) with some tomato paste, garlic, red wine or balsamic vinegar, with a basic flour/water roux (no butter), seasoning like you would a savory dish (bay leaf, thyme, maybe some rosemary). It’s fantastic and I save the soft vegetables to throw into soup later.

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Ooh, lentil Wellington and roasted cauliflower sound divine! I’m a carnivore, but I would love those veggie options!

      4. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Friends who come to us every Thanksgiving are vegetarian. Everything aside from the turkey (and gravy, which I’ve never thought about. Hmm) is vegetarian: mashed potatoes, squash of some sort (often smoked and pureed), stuffing (we make two) and a veggie side (this year it will be roasted beets with hazelnuts and labneh). Plus we usually have cheese, nuts and olives to nibble on beforehand and of course pie!

      5. RC*

        +1 on veggie gravy especially; it usually isn’t, but you can buy veg versions easily. It’s just kind of a bummer when you go to have mashed potatoes without delicious sauce to soak it in!

    4. Pop*

      I absolutely love the blog The First Mess, and she really shines with cozy food. She’s got a great roundup of Thanksgiving options with a number of delicious mains, including a butternut squash galette (which I’ll be making!), a roasted cauliflower, some lentil dishes, etc.

    5. RM*

      Essentially a vegetarian meatloaf, this cheese and nut loaf has a very traditional American Thanksgiving flavor and goes well with the typical sides. The trick is to use some smoked cheese like smoked Gouda or smoked cheddar and a sharp cheddar or other strong flavored cheese. My mom also puts a bit of smoked paprika and extra garlic. I don’t have a good veg gravy recipe handy but they are out there! https://www.thedailyspud.com/2008/12/22/going-nuts-at-christmas/

    6. heckofabecca*

      Stuffed pumpkin!!! I did this one year and WOW what a treat. Beautiful, tasty, and filling. I used a recipe similar to theculinarycure’s Savory Stuffed Sugar Pumpkins, just without bacon and in a single larger pumpkin.

      Other options:
      – Wellplated has a stuffed butternut squash recipe with quinoa, which is easy to do vegan as well (just put cheese on the side) or with other squash types (acorn, e.g.).
      – Individual Butternut Squash Lasagna from Proud Italian Cook: it’s A Process™ and personally I found it very labor intensive, but it’s REALLY tasty.

    7. Uisce chick*

      I’ve done Stuffed Roasted Butternut Squash from the website It Doesn’t Taste Like Chicken. It’s a pretty presentation and delicious

    8. Amey*

      I’m vegetarian and coeliac and one I recommend for Thanksgiving is Quinoa-stuffed Acorn Squash Rings from Oh My Veggies, really lovely and special feeling and goes nicely with other Thanksgiving food! My recommendation is do something with protein in it (not fake meat though unless you know they really like it, I hate it!) My big pet peeve with the ‘just eat sides’ (which I do love!) is they’re usually low on protein so the meal just isn’t balanced and quite often the veggie main is just more vegetables or is something that doesn’t go with the sides at all. I always try to do something which includes nuts/seeds, pulses or quinoa, assuming there aren’t other dietary restrictions.

      If there’s plenty of vegetarian-friendly protein in the sides, then I wouldn’t worry!

      1. Coffee*

        I dislike the fake meat as well but definitely want to make sure non turkey entree have some good protein.

      2. ReallyBadPerson*

        And the sides sometimes contain ingredients that vegetarians don’t eat. I use chicken broth in my stuffing, for example, unless I know a vegetarian is coming.

      3. Grey Coder*

        I have recently discovered Vegan Richa’s gluten free roast, which I really like. Main ingredients are tofu and chickpeas, so good for protein. It is meant to be wrapped around a filling of some sort — she suggests roasted vegetables but I am going to do stuffing next time. It is kind of heavy on the herbs for my taste (especially as my stuffing is herby) but that’s easy to fix.

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      In RecipeTin Eats first cookbook, she has an amazing stuffed butternut squash recipe. It’s truly a roast!

    12. Mushroomed*

      Be careful with the mushroom suggestions – I know quite a few people who are allergic. So probably best not to have only mushroom gravy, etc.

      The stuffed squash dishes sound delicious to me, FWIW from an omnivore.

    13. Bike Walk Barb*

      A couple of things you can do beyond an entree: Substitute veggie broth for anything you’d put chicken broth in so your sides are vegetarian, including the gravy, or make a second gravy (you can mix it into your turkey gravy later if you want to). If you’d usually put meat on things that are fine with the meat on the side, do that. Pick up vegan butter for the rolls.

      I want to make a portabello Wellington I saw in the NY Times or WaPo recently. Fancy and a bit of extra work but it looks fabulous. The portabellos were sliced vertically and the presentation had the slices in the center standing on the stem surrounded by a filling with chestnuts and leeks, I think, or something like that. I’ll try to find the link to drop.

  15. Fictionalized Reality*

    Sometimes when I’m reading or watching a story, I have trouble “suspending disbelief” when a plot element of “realistic fiction” does not seem realistic to me. Two recent plot elements I wonder about:

    In the new tv series “Matlock,” the main character is working for a law firm in hopes of uncovering evidence of some dastardly doings in the firm that caused the opioid crisis. That they covered something up and abetted the problem. But, I dont understand what lawyers could have to do with causing the opioid crisis. If they were defending drug manufacturers, wouldn’t the rules have required them to keep quiet about their crimes anyway? What could she hope to discover that isn’t just lawyers lawyering? (It’s an interesting show that I’m enjoying but I’m baffled.)

    Next up: I recently read (listened to) a Jack Reacher prequel novel, set in the 90s when he was still in the army. A major plot point was that someone was trying to find out the names of 8 people who had been in a work team together 30 years prior. Each of the former team persons was being targeted and interrogated to find out the other names. My question is… who remembers the full names of people you worked with 30 years ago? Is that a reasonable expectation? Geez, sometimes when I was a manager of a team of 8, I couldn’t remember them all, while setting up a schedule for example. I’d do a head count to make sure I got everyone. Right now I could give many first names of people I worked with 10 or 20 years ago. But full names, 30 years ago? I don’t think even under threat and torture I could name eight people. Especially if the task was to name all eight and know if one was missing.
    All fictional and I know that no one is likely to interrogate me for this specialized information, but, do you remember detailed info like this from so long ago? Am I an outlier, or how far out am I?

    As for Matlock, can lawyers be that dastardly or is that just being lawyers?

    1. Jay*

      I can’t speak to memory and names.
      I’ve forgotten my own once or twice.
      But lawyers can absolutely break the law doing “lawyer stuff”.
      I don’t mean this to be a political statement, it’s just something that was in the news a lot lately and will be easy to look up: Rudy Giuliani was disbarred recently in DC because he went past zealous advocate into criminal territory.

      1. Retirednow*

        I really like the new Matlock and so far I’ve gone along with her, looking for information that the law firm may have done something that contributed to the crisis. But I basically watch it because kathy Bates is amazing!

        1. Fictionalized Reality*

          Yes, I’m in it for her, mostly. It’s cool there’s this background plot arc that explains why she is doing it, makes it all more twisted.

        2. Bluebell Brenham*

          I also love the fact that Sam Anderson plays her wonderful supportive husband, but to me he’ll always be evil lawyer Holland Manners from Angel.

          1. tangerineRose*

            I remember him as Phoebe’s doctor on Friends when she was giving birth. The doctor who loved Fonzie!

            I think he also played a bad guy on NCIS once.

        3. Busy Middle Manager*

          I am actually going to watch it to. I saw Fried Green Tomatoes recently and was sort of stunned how funny Kathy Bates was and how she flip flops from funny to serious to dramatic to crazy and back. “Stunned” I say, because I grew up when this, Misery, the Delores Clairborne came out and don’t remember hearing how great of an actress she was. Everyone was fawning over Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep but now I see Kathy Bates is on par with Meryl Streep in ability. Delores Clairborne has quickly become one of my favorite movies. It’s weird and doesn’t fit into a specific genre and Kathy gives a haunting performance.

      2. Lilo*

        I’m a lawyer and I do a CLE every year that’s basically the State Bar dishing about the unethical actions of attorneys from the past year’s disciplinary hearings. There’s a multitude of unethical things (both morally and legally) that lawyers get up to in the course of their jobs.

    2. Lexi Vipond*

      Are they expecting that everyone will remember all eight, or that everyone might remember a different one or two?

      30 years ago I was still at school, so I can remember some full names because the register was read out, but definitely not all.

      1. Fictionalized Reality*

        Yes, that they remember all eight and can recognize which name is missing when the questioners knew only seven.
        If I had been somewhere using roll call each day, I might have a shot at remembering. Or in an environment like army where people are addressed by last names. But regular? I’ve got John maybe Jack and Dave and Beth and Millie. Maybe one last name. I can remember where we sat more than their names.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            That’s a bit of unrealism that often trips me up–they unearth the name they need, and it is not Engelbert Humperdink. It’s more like John Davidson, but according to the actor typing at the computer there is only one of those in the western United States.

            1. Fictionalized Reality*

              Omg, I think one of those people I worked with was actually John Davidson! Maybe he’s the one who went by Jack? What a coincidence! Falling D, did we work together decades ago? Maybe you quit because of coworkers who didn’t wash their breakfast dishes :)

            2. RC*

              Ha, this sounds like something David Wain et al would lampshade (I’m thinking the entire last couple of episodes of WHAS: First Day of Camp— we hacked into the mainframe! here is the government evidence! By looking at this physical floppy disk I know exactly what it says! Jon Hamm!). I’m more okay with ridiculous implausibility if they acknowledge how ridiculous it is. Usually that’s what I need for a suspension of disbelief to land for me (but I also tend towards absurdist stories, I guess).

      2. The cat's pajamas*

        Yeah, also, not to mention, it’s not like we had linkedin back then or whatever. At least contrive a way to have someone magically come across an old company memo with the names on it that they found in a box or something, sheesh :)

      3. RC*

        Heh, I mean it *is* a thing that witness accounts are actually pretty fallible and unreliable, and yet people in court and whatnot still sometimes think they aren’t hold them up as incontrovertible facts and don’t believe that false memories could be a thing (or could be deliberately made up if there’s a torture situation you’re trying to get to stop???)… so I guess that part is realistic?

        My first job (“only” 20 years ago) I could probably give you several first names and maybe 3 last names (I only kept in touch with one person from there). But beyond that you’d have to be like “was there a James who worked there?” “Hmm, I guess that rings a bell” rather than me listing off anyone beyond like 5. And then that’s possibly planting false memories, right— maybe I’m confusing it with a different James in another job. Brains are squishy and unreliable! Give me like, document forensics or something instead any day. Although the disappointing answer is probably “there are some things we will never know, because of all these reasons, the data just don’t exist anymore,” but I guess that’s not good storytelling, eh.

    3. Ellis Bell*

      I don’t understand the confusion with the first example. If the rules required the lawyers to cover up their client’s crimes, then someone would definitely have to go undercover to get at the truth they covered up. Maybe they wouldn’t have a gotcha over the law firm, but they’d have the truth on the drug company and could investigate further, or give the information to prosecutors. I wouldn’t assume that cover ups are within the rules though. It’s my (shaky) uunderstanding that lawyers have duties of disclosure as well as duties of confidentiality.

      1. Fictionalized Reality*

        That’s helpful, thanks. I keep thinking she will find evidence of something and it would be greeted with: so what? Maybe that’s the second season.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          Probably! Have you watched any Bosch? They do a lot of storylines based on lawyers keeping stuff under their hats before the day in court and how important it is that no one spots what they’re doing beforehand, or realises after the fact. There’s an episode where the DA is planning to recommend the release of a criminal based on an incorrect theory that Bosch (a detective), planted evidence. The recommendation, which slanders Bosch’s reputation, is in an in-office memo written by Bosch’s angry, jilted ex lover. Maddie, his daughter is also working in the office and discovers the memo after doing some snooping, and she sends it to his lawyer so she can prepare against it, and get details on the ex’s bias against Bosch, before they are surprised with it in court. She does all this, and then resigns, without even telling her dad. When Bosch asks his lawyer if her source on the memo’s existence is any good, she just says “impeccable”. There’s another scene where Maddie sees in the files at her law office that the opposition didn’t disclose something they should have done, years before. Spotting this gets the case reopened and a favourable result for Maddie’s boss.

          1. Tio*

            Aren’t there a bunch of rules about not being able to bring new evidence in without telling the other side in trials though?

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      The second came up in the thread on whether you could prove you had a summer job 30 years ago. And no one remembered anyone’s name, unless there was some sort of extra layer (already a long-standing friend; continued to be friends after that time; you all had to cover up Watergate together).

      1. dapfloodle*

        Huh, I guess I missed that part of that thread. I remember names of other folks I worked with at Jack in the Box in 1997; I probably won’t forget all of them in 3 more years? I used to be in touch with one former supervisor, but I didn’t talk to any of my former co-workers from there after I graduated from high school in 1999.

    5. Expectations*

      Lawyers do illegal things all the time. Look at almost any corruption or collusion case and there’s almost always at least one lawyer involved.

      As for the names, it depends on how long they worked together. And different folks will remember different folks, so it may just take one. Also, it would be the type of thing a good investigator would check just in case.

      It might help if you try to tell yourself that different people have different skills/competency levels at those skills so just because you can’t do something doesn’t mean someone else can’t.

      That said, there are legitimate story decisions sometimes to ignore the obvious because then there’s be no story. For example, not discussing and clearing up a misunderstanding and the misunderstanding winds up being crucial to the story. These can definitely be annoying.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Roger Ebert called those Idiot Plots: where the plot revolves around not having one ten second conversation because everyone involved is an idiot.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Specifically to the opioid crisis, there were a number of regulatory failures within the FDA that allowed Oxycontin and other opioids to be approved for chronic pain. It has been heavily implied in other media (though never proven) that these failures were due to corruption or undue influence. That’s exactly the sort of thing a corporate lawyer might be the middle of.

      1. ChronicPain*

        I will note that for many people in chronic pain, it is one of the only if not the only effective treatments. While I am very sympathetic to those who are addicted, it would be really helpful not to penalize those in pain who aren’t addicted. Being in severe pain much of the time isn’t exactly fun.

        1. Reluctant Mezzo*

          People penalized for being in pain? Happens all the time now. They are all evil drug addict seekers, you know. /s

        2. RagingADHD*

          People in pain should get what they need, but the problem with Oxycontin in particular is that it was pretty much designed to cause addiction, because the withdrawal cycle (with drastically increased pain) starts before the next dose is due.

          Combined with the extensive marketing campaign to doctors, claiming it had a lower risk of addiction (which they knew was the opposite of true), it was a truly exploitive scheme.

    7. Magda*

      I’m a mystery writer, and there’s a big range for readers particularly in that genre. Most of us get letters all the time saying “you had the train stop at X station, but the train only stops there on SATURDAYS and, because you referenced Z holiday coming up, it must have been a TUESDAY! Ruined the book for me, couldn’t keep reading.” You see this on Goodreads too. It’s okay, some people’s minds work that way. Common failures are stuff with weapons or stuff specific to the person’s own employment. Based on their letters, such people may think they are helping, or may want a pat on the head for being smarter than the writer, hard to say. To me, the main thing is if the villian’s actions don’t make sense in retrospect. Like, they wouldn’t have given the suspect that lead back to themselves, knowing they were the villain! This is very common.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        If I’m watching something to do with my profession, former profession or anything in which I have specialist knowledge, I pretend I’m watching a very-similar-to-reality parallel universe. In this universe, teachers don’t get sacked for walking out of the classroom and leaving kids totally unattended to go talk to a detective at length. This is because, in this universe, the kids are as well behaved as grownups and they just get on with it. There’s also a universe where provincial reporters are free to spend whole days on lengthy gut-feeling investigations that may or may not pan out, without filing any copy. I assume their editor writes everything or they just put out an edition when they feel like it.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          The key to enjoying Person of Interest was to decide that this was a parallel universe where shooting someone in the knee completely prevented them from using their hands in the short term; long term, a couple of months of PT and you were good as new.

      2. Reluctant Mezzo*

        There’s an SF writer who said that scientists are hard on him, but when he wrote something about the Civil War, he was terrified, because *those* guys are anal and scary.

        1. FACS*

          In the book “Confederates in the Attic” the author goes with reenactors for a weekend. He was taken to task for both having the wrong kind of wire rimmed glasses and for having Granny Smith apples, which were not right for the Era.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I can’t remember the title, but there’s a terrific novel where the main characters do Civil War reenacting, and the author captures the cliques and divisions between “accurate enough” and “scary hardcore” perfectly.

      3. Angstrom*

        I can let small errors go, but if the plot turns on something obviously incorrect that’s a dealbreaker.
        Weapons…I’m no expert, but a safety catch on a revolver is going to get a sigh and a eye-roll from me. The mystery writer’s guild should have a standing penalty for that one.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I had this issue back when I watched that A.I. movie from 2001. Not the artificial child, but the idea that if resources were at such a scarcity that everyone is limited to one child, period, why are valuable scrap (in the form of robots) being dumped in the woods or abused for audiences?

      I can see an underground evolving for the latter, but too much potential profit is being lost in the former.

    9. Lucifer*

      Do not watch medical shows with anyone who works in frontline patient care like bedside nursing (Call the Midwife and Scrubs are the rare exceptions and Call the Midwife was set in the 1950s and 1960s). My mom is a retired nurse who watched ER every week but also loved ranting about how unrealistic it often was. Now that I work at a nursing school (the same one she attended in fact), I’m starting to see why medical dramas drive real nurses in particular so crazy (and all I do is admin support).

      On a related note, don’t watch childbirth or labor scenes in basically ANY movie or TV show with a nurse (or any healthcare provider who specializes in that area). OMG. you will never hear the end of it, lol.

      This is a VERY random, nerdy thing for me to kvetch about but: fountain pens in movies and TV shows, including period pieces, surprisingly difficult ti get right apparently.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        My late dad was a doctor and he would RANT about the show House. Just show him one scene and the font of indignant outrage was glorious to behold.

      2. Arrietty*

        Call the Midwife has amazing attention to detail and uses actual newborns for filming (obviously a few days old, not minutes) but they’re always hilariously clean and dry.

    10. Username Required*

      I started watching re-runs of the latest version of Hawaii Five-0 but had to stop. The constant shoot-outs with the police spraying bullets all over the place with no regard for possible civilian casualties, no sort of IA investigation after they’ve killed their umpteenth bad guy – I couldn’t suspend my disbelief that far – clearly I am not their target demographic LOL.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Hah, we just caught part of some bad 90s movie about “two cops have to team up to solve a murder,” and the opening scene has Misunderstood Cop 1 in an elaborate fight scene/shootout that ends with two wounded gangsters, a dead police officer, dead civilian and the main bad guy escaping.

        He is reassigned to another murder THE NEXT DAY. No leave, no debrief, no investigation into his discharging and losing control of his weapon. It was almost as ridiculous as him showing up at the new crime scene and tromping through a puddle of blood.

    11. Observer*

      As for Matlock, can lawyers be that dastardly or is that just being lawyers?

      You might want to google “lawyers disbarred” or something like that – you’ll get a lot of information.

  16. Wings On My Feet*

    I am thinking of going to Amsterdam for an event at the end of April. The country has never been high on my bucket list so I’m not sure what else is there to do. Anything you’d recommend as a tourist in Amsterdam? Or any tips for traveling there?

    1. BellaStella*

      The Netherlands os a pretty place. You will see tulips and can see museums, the Dutch masters painters, interesting canals and the North Sea. Go to NordWeg for sea and beach.

    2. Kaleidoscope*

      have you googled?
      I did a guided walking tour, visited Anne Frank’s house and generally wandered around. went to the Rijksmuseum.
      It’s also tulip season when you go.

    3. Silent E*

      I used to live there! There are lots of lovely cultural things to do there.
      As others mentioned, it’ll be tulip season, and the Keukenhof will be open while you are there; go if you can (it’s a ways from Amsterdam). Their website will have details on how to get there and opening times. It’s beautiful and has lots to see and do and you can see more of the countryside on the way there and back.
      The Anne Frank House is very moving and interesting. I loved to take visitors there and then treat them to a Dutch pannenkoek (pancake – not like the American ones!) at the nearby Pancake Bakery. Both the sweet and savory ones are delicious.
      Take a canal tour.
      Visit the Rijksmuseum and the Van Gogh Museum (highly recommend both; pay for the audio tour at the VG museum!). You can book tickets online to avoid having to stand in line. I would skip the Rembrandt museum unless you are a true fan; others have loved it, but I found it less interesting than the others and expensive for what you get.
      Less obvious things to do:
      I always love browsing a grocery store when visiting places. There are many just off the main tourist are of the Damrak near the Central Station. Grab a snack or sandwiches and find a bench near a canal or in a park.
      Grab a seat at a cafe on a canal and enjoy the people and the views.
      Take a walking tour of the city. There are many possibilities online; guided or self-guided.
      The Hema on the Nieuwendijk I think still has a decent café on the third floor (no terrace, but often not busy outside of meal hours) where you can get typical Dutch treats (like tompouce) at a reasonable price.
      If you are there with companions, try an Indonesian rijsttafel. Those usually require at least 2 people. Kantjil en de Tijger is a great place for that. If you are by yourself, there are still other delicious dishes to try there.
      Find a neighborhood snack bar (away from the touristy areas) and try Belgian fries with frites saus and other dips, shoarma/shwarma, and a kroket with veal, but skip the burgers. Febo is a popular chain, but the small independent snack bars are often better quality.
      Try some smoked herring! It is a seasonal treat often sold from little food trucks or tents on the main streets.
      Do you like cats? There is a floating cat shelter in Amsterdam called De Poezenboot (cat boat). They have limited hours but it’s a fun place. I’ll post a link to their website in a reply to my own comment. Click the flag at the top right of their website for English.
      Travel tips:
      Take precautions against pickpockets.
      Be wary if someone offers to help you (without you asking) with things like ticket vending machines. Please stay on the sidewalks and do not walk in the bicycle lanes. Look *both* ways before crossing a bike lane. Cyclists are fast, aggressive, and do not always obey traffic laws (they often run red lights).
      Note there is a difference between a café and a coffee shop.
      I hope you have a fantastic trip!

      2. Justforthis*

        Seconding Kantjil en de Tijger! Also, if you are going at the end of April, watch out for King’s Day on April 26. It’s a national holiday with lots of festivities in Amsterdam.

      3. Blue Scrubs*

        Thank you for highlighting that there’s an important difference from a café and a coffeeshop… after a bit of Googling I’m much more informed (and would definitely prefer a café!!).

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I visited Amsterdam with my partner for what I still consider the best birthday ever. It was pre-pandemic, so hope the places I mention are still open.

      We loved the film museum just on the other side of the river, we turned up and managed to catch a Scorsese exhibition we hadn’t known about before. Didn’t love the cat boat: it’s small and was crowded when we visited, we got the impression the cats were frazzled. But I’m still glad to have gone, as I’m a cat person and had to know what it was all about.

      My absolute highlight was hiring a bike for a day and cycling outside the city. We went to Zanse Schaans to see the windmills. It was a super fun ride on flat cycling routes (this is crucial as I have a hard time cycling uphill!), I’d definitely do more cycling if I were to go back.

      My second highlight was the Van Gogh museum (didn’t have time for the Rijksmuseum or Anne Frank house which was a shame).

      I was recommended the restaurant Winkel 43 for excellent apple pie, and am passing that on because I loved it (the savoury food not so memorable, but omg, that pie). And another must for me was eating stroopwafel, which I did everywhere possible (brought some home from a neighbourhood bakery, they were lovely).

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        +1 for Zaans Schaans. amazing place and biking is the best way to get there. The Yellow Bike company has an e-bike tour that goes there.

    5. supply closet badger*

      I really enjoyed the STRAAT museum of street art :)

      Otherwise, Amsterdam the city didn’t wow me that much — it felt a bit too touristy. Would you have time for some day trips to other towns in the Netherlands? The train and bike track networks are both great.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        +1 for the STRAAT Museum! I was my favorite museum expereince when we were there last year.

      2. Decidedly Me*

        I am glad I’m not the only one that feels this way! I’m happy I visited Amsterdam and enjoyed the things I did there, but overall, it wasn’t for me. Everyone else I talk to raves about it, though.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      We enjoyed staying near the Kroller Muller Museum and biking around the large park that surrounds it.

      1. supply closet badger*

        Yes, the Veluwe national park and Kröller Müller Museum would definitely be some of my recommendations if getting out of Amsterdam is possible for the OP :)

        The museum has a great van Gogh collection which could be a good addition or alternative to the van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam (which is pretty busy and can be hard to get into).

        I’m sure the park would be beautiful in spring too. You can hire bikes there to ride around if you don’t have your own.

    7. AmsterdamHighlights*

      In addition to obvious things like art museums and Anne Frank Huis, I really enjoyed the Museum of Torture, The Joods Historich Museum (Jewish History Museum), and the science museum.

      Of the art museums, the DaVinci museum was disappointing but the rest were fabulous. Rembrandt’s house was part history museum and part art museum. The grounds of the Rijksmuseum were lovely and included things like sculpture gardens. Also, if you’re there in the winter there was an outdoor ice skating pond on the plaza between the major art museums.

      I found it very easy to get around by public transit and most folks were happy to help someone who did not speak the local language so I had no compunction asking for help. I also spent a bunch of time just walking around different sections of the city. There was snow on the ground the entire time I was there but it was still easy peasy.

      Be aware that my visit was over 20 years ago, so please research all if these things if they interest you.

      1. AmsterdamHighlights*

        I meant to Van Gogh museum, not DaVinci. I’ve been working with (non art) DaVinci stuff a lot and my fingers just went there, I guess.

    8. Fellow Traveller*

      When we were in Amsterdam last year my favorite things were:
      -STRAADT museum, mentioned above
      -Hungry Birds Food Tour
      – Day trip to Utrecht and the Speeclock Museum or musical machines.
      – Maritime Museum
      Caveat is that we went with three small children. I would have probably liked the art museums better if I went at my own pace.

    9. Lilo*

      I have family in The Netherlands, so I’ll cop to my visits being really kid oriented.

      I’d actually recommend getting out of Amsterdam and visiting places like Den Haag and Leiden. It’s only 20-30 minutes on the train. Amsterdam, particularly the Amsterdam Centraal area, is a bit like going to Times Square or just Bourbon Street. There’s a lot of stag parties and such there and it’s touristy. Walking further away from the train station/red light district, stuff calms down significantly. So if you’re walking off the train right there and hate it, don’t worry, that’s not representative.

      In Amsterdam, the Rijksmuseum is definitely worth a visit. A boat tour just to orient yourself isn’t a bad idea. I also love the Saturday market in Haarlem (again, just hop on the train). If you’re going when the weather is nice, it’s fun to take the train out to the beach too.

    11. Decidedly Me*

      Not sure if have anything to add that people haven’t already, but here are some things I did and enjoyed:

      – STRAAT Museum – this was a highlight for me
      – Anne Frank House – can book quickly
      – Rijksmuseum – very nice museum
      – Rembrandt House – this one I kind of added on randomly and I’m glad I did
      – day trip to Zaanse Schans – did this as part of an ebike tour with Those Amsterdames
      – A’Dam Lookout swing – this was fun
      – Van Gogh museum – also books quickly
      – The Canal Museum – really short, but interesting

      We got the Amsterdam card or city pass and it had a couple of self-paced food tours which were fun. You got a PDF of the places with their histories and then discounted offerings at each place.

      Definitely try pannekoek – they are delicious and we now make them at home!

      Aneka Rasa is a great Indonesian place. The owner remembers everyone’s name and is incredibly nice.

      Mezzave was a fantastic Israeli deli.

    12. AnnieG*

      Van Gogh Museum—I’m not a huge “art person”, but this place blew me away; Anne Frank House (buy tix in advance—they sell out); Dutch Resistance Museum; rented bikes and went for a 25-mile ride in the countryside and then ate a rijstaffel meal when we got back.

    13. Dancing the Night Away*

      I’m like you, it wasn’t high on my bucket list. But I went with my mom a couple years ago and enjoyed it well enough.

      The highlights for me were the Rijksmuseum, a canal boat tour, visiting the Zaanse Schans and walking around the Keukenhof Gardens.

      We took the train and then walked into the Zaanse Schans, but talked about biking it if we were to return to Amsterdam on a future trip.

      For Keukenhof we booked a group bus trip with a specific departure time and open-ended return and that was more expensive than public transit but made the trip quite easy. We went to the pickup point on the way there, although that was a little chaotic and many of the guides didn’t audibly shout for their groups, so you had to be vigilant to not miss your bus.
      But the way back was really really easy, just go to the parking field where there’s a pickup point for the buses and get on whatever bus is there.

    14. Searching*

      How long will you be there? If you like museums, you’ll have a wealth of choices in Amsterdam. If you want to visit the Anne Frank House, be sure to reserve tickets far in advance. If you plan to visit more than about 5 museums (depending on how large they are), consider getting a Netherlands Museum Pass.

      But I usually recommend people leave Amsterdam – it’s so crowded and overrun by tourists. Go to smaller cities like Delft or Utrecht or Leiden instead. In any city, go to the tourist information center (VVV) to get ideas for self-guided walking tours or bike routes (& bike rental places). VVVs are usually centrally located near the main train station. If you have more time, travel to the Hoge Veluwe national park which also houses the Kröller Müler museum.

      April will be great for visiting the Keukenhof to see the tulips. Try to go right at opening time if you can, before it gets crowded. There’s usually combi-ticket arrangements from Amsterdam available (combined bus & entry ticket).

      You can generally get everywhere by public transportation (except right now with the train strikes – but those should be over by then!). You should not rent a car in Amsterdam!

      Tip: be prepared to pay for public restrooms, even in train stations and most department stores (except the Bijenkorf which has free ones!). The ones in restaurants (for customers) are generally free although you may have to navigate some steep stairs to get to them.

      And finally: Koningsdag in Amsterdam is an absolute madhouse (usually April 27th but next year it’ll be celebrated on Saturday the 26th). Beer flows copiously and all ordinances against public urination notwithstanding, the stench of urine increases as the day goes on.

    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I have an old one (maybe Series 3?) and while I love it, I have never felt the need to upgrade it. I’m sure I am not using it to its full potential. I like being able to see my texts and calls even when I don’t have my phone with me. I frequently use it as an activity tracker and a stopwatch/timer that stays with me while I move around. I had knee surgery two months ago and the hourly “stand up!” reminder was really helpful to keep me moving. I love electronic toys and gadgets and we are firmly embedded in the Apple ecosystem, so when I decided to get a smartwatch it was the obvious choice.

    2. Rain, Disappointing Australian (formerly Lucien Nova)*

      I have the SE – love it. It doesn’t have most of the higher-end features (such as blood oxygen sensor etc) – so if you need it for medical use, go with a Series 7 or above – but the SE’s great if it’s your first Apple watch!

    3. Anono-me*

      A lot depends on what you would use it for.
      If you want to use the watch in place of your phone, you will need to have an additional line for the watch.

      1. Tradd*

        If you want phone capability on its own, you need to make sure the watch has that capability. In the US, the cell carriers often charge around $10/month for cell service to a smartwatch.

    4. Tradd*

      I have the Ultra 2. I use it for a water sport, as well as the usual stuff. The ocean band wasn’t comfortable for daily use, so I got one of the sport loop bands with the velcro closure. Much more comfortable. The Ultra 2 also has 36 hour battery life under normal use (no water sports). It’s also double the cost of the Watch 10, but cellular capability is standard on the Ultra 2.

      I had an 8 before I switched to this one. Gave my 8 to a friend.

      I use my watch a ton. My iPhone 15 Pro is on silent. Any calls, etc., vibrate on my watch. I like that much better than all the sounds of phone rings and such. And my wake up alarms are on watch, too. Really can’t ignore them. The fitness and health features are great. I love seeing how much I sleep. I’m in menopause and I was able to show gynie health app and how broken my sleep was. I was able to get HRT and my sleep is much better. I also like seeing how much I actually move in a day. I have some mobility issues, but even with being up and around at work, I sometimes do almost 2 miles a day! There is also fall detection, which is great for seniors or others at risk of falling. I know people who were alerted to heart issues due to their watch. Docs say that saved them.

      I can’t say enough good things about the Apple Watch. You do need an iPhone.

  18. Silent E*

    I used to live there! There are lots of lovely cultural things to do there.
    As others mentioned, it’ll be tulip season, and the Keukenhof will be open while you are there; go if you can (it’s a ways from Amsterdam). Their website will have details on how to get there and opening times. It’s beautiful and has lots to see and do and you can see more of the countryside on the way there and back.
    The Anne Frank House is very moving and interesting. I loved to take visitors there and then treat them to a Dutch pannenkoek (pancake – not like the American ones!) at the nearby Pancake Bakery. Both the sweet and savory ones are delicious.
    Take a canal tour.
    Visit the Rijksmuseum and the Van Gogh Museum (highly recommend both; pay for the audio tour at the VG museum!). You can book tickets online to avoid having to stand in line. I would skip the Rembrandt museum unless you are a true fan; others have loved it, but I found it less interesting than the others and expensive for what you get.
    Less obvious things to do:
    I always love browsing a grocery store when visiting places. There are many just off the main tourist are of the Damrak near the Central Station. Grab a snack or sandwiches and find a bench near a canal or in a park.
    Grab a seat at a cafe on a canal and enjoy the people and the views.
    Take a walking tour of the city. There are many possibilities online; guided or self-guided.
    The Hema on the Nieuwendijk I think still has a decent café on the third floor (no terrace, but often not busy outside of meal hours) where you can get typical Dutch treats (like tompouce) at a reasonable price.
    If you are there with companions, try an Indonesian rijsttafel. Those usually require at least 2 people. Kantjil en de Tijger is a great place for that. If you are by yourself, there are still other delicious dishes to try there.
    Find a neighborhood snack bar (away from the touristy areas) and try Belgian fries with frites saus and other dips, shoarma/shwarma, and a kroket with veal, but skip the burgers. Febo is a popular chain, but the small independent snack bars are often better quality.
    Try some smoked herring! It is a seasonal treat often sold from little food trucks or tents on the main streets.
    Do you like cats? There is a floating cat shelter in Amsterdam called De Poezenboot (cat boat). They have limited hours but it’s a fun place. I’ll post a link to their website in a reply to my own comment. Click the flag at the top right of their website for English.
    Travel tips:
    Take precautions against pickpockets.
    Be wary if someone offers to help you (without you asking) with things like ticket vending machines. Please stay on the sidewalks and do not walk in the bicycle lanes. Look *both* ways before crossing a bike lane. Cyclists are fast, aggressive, and do not always obey traffic laws (they often run red lights).
    Note there is a difference between a café and a coffee shop.
    I hope you have a fantastic trip!

    2. Lilo*

      Hah, yeah, my mom made the “coffee shop” mistake once (it’s a Marijuana shop). They’re pretty obvious if you know what you’re looking for. But it’s really not a big deal, though, you just turn around. I’m sure they’re used to it.

  19. SparklingBlue*

    Gaming thread! What are you playing now? What have you played lately? Both video games and board games welcome!

    As for me, I’m working my way through The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom–I finally opened the ice temple after hours trying to figure out how to GET there.

    1. The Dude Abides*

      Got to play competitive paper MtG for the second time in three weeks (legacy two weeks ago, modern tonight), when normally I’m lucky to play a handful of times a year.

      Both events re-affirmed that Burn will always and forever be my baby, I just am frustrated that I have to go at least 30 minutes out of town to play. There are three stores where I live, and commander is king to the detriment of 60-card formats.

    2. Jackalope*

      I’ve picked Fire Emblem Warriors:Three Hopes back up for a bit. The game play isn’t exactly my style, but it’s made as fan service for people who loved Fire Emblem: Three Houses, with all of the same characters, voice actors, etc., and I’m one of those fans. I just started Dimitri’s run, which is always my least favorite, but I like some of his house members and this way I can play through with them.

    3. Analytical Tree Hugger*

      Recently played through the early access of Hades 2 (highly recommend and I’m waiting on tenterhooks for the full version). Now, I’m thinking I might restart Stardew Valley for the umpteenth time, so I can do something while catching up on podcasts (I subscribe to way too many).

      But Chained Echoes is on sale…and Wildermyth has an expansion pack I’ve been eyeing… Choices, choices.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        I’ve also been playing Hades 2, and super excited about it but I got so frustrated! One of the bosses is SO difficult that I can’t get past to access the newest content…

        1. Analytical Tree Hugger*

          (Trying to avoid spoilers.)

          If you’re talking about the Guardian at the end of the second section (who does loads of ranged attacks) and want a tip: The boon that reflects/burns ranged attacks while you’re sprinting is really helpful! Eqipping that god/goddess’ keepsake will increase the chances of getting boons from them, so you have a decent chance of getting it.

          1. SuprisinglyADHD*

            Yup, that’s the one I’m talking about! Thanks for the tip, I’ve tried that boon before and found that it’s a bit unreliable, sometimes it doesn’t seem to kick in. I’m sure they’ll tweak that in a future update though, they’ve been fine-tuning a lot of the abilities.

    4. Rain, Disappointing Australian (formerly Lucien Nova)*

      I’ve…halfheartedly started playing Final Fantasy Brave Exvius: War of the Visions again.

      I remember exactly why I stopped playing now, but by god I have the character I was most excited for and didn’t know till recently had been added, so I’m suffering through it for him. :P

    5. Decidedly Me*

      I recently finished Echoes of Wisdom! It was a fun one. Haven’t decided my next game yet, but leaning towards Ori and The Blind Forest.

    6. A Girl Named Fred*

      I got back on a Minecraft kick recently but my first world I enabled commands; by the time I got “set up” I realized I wasn’t feeling happy with it ‘cause I’d made things significantly easier with commands, so I just started over again today with no commands enabled. I spawned in on an enormous snow mountain with no trees and plenty of powdered snow, so that was a real “Careful what you wish for” moment, lol!

      My partner just bought Terra Nil on sale, and it looks really interesting so I may grab that too. And I’m enjoying Pokemon TCG Pocket!

    7. Dr. KMnO4*

      Getting back into Destiny 2 after my month-long hiatus. I had to help my dad after his knee replacement surgery, and my laptop (and his wifi) were not up to the task of running D2.

      While away, I did play a lot of Balatro while waiting for Stardew Valley 1.6 to hit the Switch. Then I played a lot of Stardew Valley.

      I have a love-hate relationship with Balatro. Sometimes it’s amazingly fun, and sometimes it’s agonizingly frustrating. It also has that “just one more run” vibe, which can be a trap.

    8. Dontbeadork*

      Disney Dreamlight Valley just released the Storybook Vale expansion. I’m working my way through that but somehow the expansion release has screwed up a particular recipe I need to use and I can’t clear a daily quest. Sigh.

      Tabletop RPG had a fight that lasted over two weeks of gaming. Finally finished that and are getting more info we need to solve our case, but it seems like the rest of the party is pretty oblivious to nuance. It’s funny, because they’re usually pretty sharp, but I’ve “let slip” some info I had that no one else did and so far no one as even wondered where I learned what I did.

  20. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

    Thanksgiving complaint thread.

    My mom is “very disappointed with me” because I’m not going to visit her for Thanksgiving. I have to work the day after. She can’t fathom the idea that someone might have to work the day after Thanksgiving. I pointed out that if I was in food service, retail, hospitality, travel, medical, agriculture, childcare, etc. then I would also be working Thanksgiving. She dismissed that because I don’t work in those fields, I work in education. Therefore, it’s impossible for any education and education adjacent field to work the day after.

    She also seems to think it would be easy for me to just pack up my computer and monitor and haul it all to her house and spend 8 hours training new hires on a video conference call in a place with 0.5 Mbps speed internet.

    The only reason I’m even working day after is because the original Thanksgiving plans were to have it here so I picked up an extra project. I found out a week ago that the rest of the family decided to change the plans and I guess didn’t think I needed to know until it was too late. I can’t back out of the project now and if I don’t work day after, I also don’t get holiday pay. And as much as I’d like to get up at 3am for a four hour drive to help cook and then turn around and drive back home so I can get to work at 7am the next day, I’ll pass.

    1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

      Also, I don’t even like Thanksgiving. It’s my least favorite holiday, which is saying something because I very much loathe Valentine’s and that holiday at least has the decency to have half-price candy the day after. My household’s tradition for the day is spouse makes crawfish etouffee and I put the dishes in the dishwasher and we all watch a terrible spy movie from the 60s.

        1. A perfectly normal-size space bird*

          A different movie each year. There’s so, so many of those thanks to some kind of boom in knockoff Bond movies.

    2. WS*

      I think the key to that one is to let her have her feelings, and disengage from the conversation. She can be “very disappointed” all she likes, it’s not going to change reality. Don’t try to justify yourself, because she doesn’t want to be reasonable, she wants to sulk.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Seconding all of the above!
          I had a mother like that and it was unfun on a good day.
          I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
          But she can just stew in her own juice, as they say.

    3. Chic *Shoes and Boots* for Petite Pregnant People?*

      Especially given they changed the plans, it’s on them. Relax with your partner, tasty supper, and movie with a clear conscience.

    4. Seashell*

      I don’t have an answer for you, other than to say that I feel your pain regarding maternal guilt trips.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      The saying “reasons are for reasonable people” also relates to whether the unreasonable people care that you have a reason. It’s not like if you just come up with one more reasonable reason, they will suddenly see the error of their ways.

    6. Frieda*

      “Because the location changed, I won’t be able to come. Have a good time with Various Relatives! I’ll see you again at [X occasion/Y date].”

      Lather, rinse, repaeat.

    7. RagingADHD*

      I’m sorry. It sounds like there are multiple communication issues with your family, and I think it’s fair to respond to your mom that you’re really disappointed that the plans changed after you’d already made commitments. And also to remind her that if she wants you to attend events in the future, last minute changes are likely to mean you can’t come.

      Is she the type of mom who thinks you should be living at home or next door, even though you’re grown?

    8. Magda*

      I feel ya – my family drives me insane by refusing to solidify holidays plans but assuming that whatever they settle on, I’ll be happy to shell out for last minute airfare or hop in my car and drive wherever. They also think a nine hour drive is pretty reasonable and not too far for one person to do alone.

    9. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      You might also want to check out Captain Awkward’s blog for lots of advice on dealing with unreasonable family members.

    10. Dark Macadamia*

      Is it too passive-aggressive to lean heavily into the last minute change? “Well, Mom, I’M very disappointed you all decided to change plans without telling me.” “Yeah, I really wanted to go but you all moved it to a different location and didn’t tell me until it was too late.”

      1. Observer*

        Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

        Especially since it’s mostly true. You planned based on one thing that everyone had supposedly agreed to, then everyone just changed plans without asking or even telling you. That’s on them.

        Don’t get into the *details*. Just keep on saying that then, as others suggested, *disengage*.

    11. Unkempt Flatware*

      Ugh this is why I declared years ago that holidays are not for family. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      Yeahhhh, no. It’s one of the more interesting manifestations of Parallel America–what time off actually is.

      I get Thanksgiving Day off. Period. That’s it. I could request PTO for travelling, but ridiculously early in the year–think a minimum of six months ahead. Same for Christmas–I get Xmas Eve and Day off, and that’s it. For me and most people I know this is entirely normal.

      But for huge amounts of the country it is apparently normal to have a four day weekend every year and they can’t fathom otherwise.

    13. Jen*

      Don’t feel bad. Plans changed and they didn’t let you know so you can’t go.
      It’s not normal to expect someone to get up at 3 am (how will you anyway work normally like that?) or lose out on their pay (has anyone offered to make it up to you) because of a last minute change in plans.

    14. misspiggy*

      I wonder if it’s helpful to think of your mother as motivated by negative things.

      She made a choice, conscious or otherwise, not to tell you that plans had changed. She now gets to have the convenience of the location she preferred (or the satisfaction of pleasing the people she preferred to please), plus she gets to be all revved up with disappointment about you not being there. Or she gets the power trip of you setting yourself on fire to keep her warm. Win win!

      You don’t have to buy into any of that.

    15. Bereavement Bear*

      I also don’t like Thanksgiving. I am off for the whole week (people may guess my profession from this?). My mom died over the summer and she usually came to see my husband and I for Thanksgiving since we’d stay at her place for Christmas. So obviously that’s not happening this year. We’d usually get invited to an extended family Thanksgiving on the other side of the family, if we’d go it would be very awkward because the other people there saw each other/communicated with each other all the time, but they only talked to the 3 of us twice a year (Thanksgiving and Christmas). But that also isn’t happening this year (i.e., we aren’t attending) because one of those family members was really awful about things right after my mom died. I tried to explain this to my cousin who would be organizing the Thanksgiving (not the same person who was awful, but obviously related to that person), and she hasn’t talked to me since. We’re staying in a hotel in a nearby big city on Tuesday and Wednesday nights just to do something different, then I’ll probably make non-traditional but still fancier than usual food on Friday and we’ll decorate for Christmas over the weekend. Not really looking forward to any of it at this point for various reasons, but hopefully I’m just in a bad mood today?

  21. Lionheart26*

    I have a qn about room-mates. I live with my husband and we rent out another room. I’m the only woman, I’m also the only one of the 3 or us who works from home.
    Naturally, being home all day means that I use the house more and a greater share of the housework falls to me. But over time I’ve noticed it’s ALL falling to me, and I’m becoming resentful.
    I’m having trouble figuring out what seems fair. For example, I use the kitchen at lunch, so of course if there are breakfast dishes in the sink, I need to wash them. I don’t like the assumption that I’ll always wash the breakfast dishes, but also, I know what breakfast rush is like, and if I had to get to the office I’d probably leave my dishes in the sink till after work too. I understand that its only me that needs the sink clear at midday, so it’s fair for me to wash those.
    But you could argue that for almost everything. My room mates have commutes, so they have less time to scrub the bathrooms etc etc. It makes sense, but I don’t want to clean the bathroom for them, and I don’t like the gendered division of labor happening in the house.
    What’s a fair division of housework? and how can I communicate it with them?

    1. Kaleidoscope*

      I assume they tidy up after themselves at their workplaces. I don’t know why they can’t at home or why you can’t just wash your own lunch dishes?

      I work part time and my partner works full time but we do roughly the same amount of housework despite the difference in (paid) work hours. Time to call a house meeting and discuss what housework going forward looks like – do you take turns? does someone become responsible for e.g taking out the bins? do you collectively pay for a cleaner once a week?

    2. WS*

      If things are falling to you, other things can fall to them. Like, maybe you’re doing their breakfast dishes, so they can clean the bathroom. Before you get to exploding stage, you need to discuss this with them and make a division. The fact that you’re working from home doesn’t mean your job is cleaning the house. It doesn’t have to be perfectly divided, but it does need to be equitable.

    3. Two cents*

      I’d spend a week documenting everything you do in the household. Then call a meeting with your roommates, present the list and say you’re feeling like you clean up after them quite a bit. Then ask how you all can divvy things up more equitably. The idea is to make it a conversation, and a collaborative one. Maybe they didn’t realize that you’re doing so much (we can argue about shoulds, but those are rarely helpful and don’t help you get what you actually want, which is to do less). Maybe they’re doing lots of things you haven’t noticed (sounds unlikely, but you never know).

      If you go in with your dukes up, as Carolyn Hax puts it, it makes the whole thing accusatory and adversarial. Ideally, this way you make up a plan that everyone agrees with. It might take multiple meetings. But the thing to try for is mutual buy in and agreement rather than a fight.

      It might also not work. Sometimes people take advantage of others or lack the maturity to take ownership of cleaning up after themselves. And yes, there is the historic sexism thing. But maybe they’re just clueless people. Or your senses of cleanliness are mismatched. I’m in favor of giving the benefit of the doubt until you know what it is you’re dealing with. And then you can make further choices for yourself as necessary.

      1. heckofabecca*

        I really like this idea!

        One idea for dishes specifically: my cousin/roommate and I have a couple of collapsible dishpans with drain plugs; it’s been really helpful in keeping things manageable as we’re both disabled. They fold up reasonably small, and if something can’t be handled right away, boom, it has a home. Could you get something like that for others’ sitting dirty dishes?

        Of course, my dream would be to do as Captain Awkward suggests: hire a biweekly cleaner! If that’s a possibility, it might be worth it for certain things. Good luck!

      2. Hlao-roo*

        One idea for post-conversation:

        I had some friends in college who had a piece of paper taped on the wall above their trash can. Whenever someone took out the trash, they wrote their name on the piece of paper, so it looked something like this:
        Bob
        Jane
        Bob
        Tangerina
        Fergus
        Bob
        Bob

        I thought it was a great way to avoid Jane, Tangerina, and Fergus seeing an almost full trash can and thinking “I took out the trash last time, I’ll wait until someone else does it this time” (not realizing/remembering that others have been taking out the trash since they last did). Instead, they can see the list and think “oh, Bob’s taken out the trash the last several times. I’ll take it out right now to keep things more even.”

        It’s a simple, low-tech way to keep track of if everyone in the household is sticking to the new division of labor.

      3. Nihil Scio*

        I’ve recently discovered doing things while waiting for the coffee to brew in the morning and roped my partner into doing the same
        For example, you can unload 1/2 of the dishwasher (or sometimes even allow it) while coffee drips into the pot
        Sweeping the kitchen and family room takes 3-5 minutes so I’ll often do that while waiting for my tea to brew
        Little habits take a while to form but mini chores don’t feel so cumbersome

          1. Nihil Scio*

            Another one is to spray down the bathtub after a shower before drying off then wiping it down quickly with a handy rag. Time: 30 seconds

        2. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

          I can work like this, but others cant. Task switching is nearly impossible for my spouse. He has to finish the task at hand before starting a new one. It is fascinatingly irritatingly inefficient.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I would make a list of what needs doing as a necessity, and potential ideas; things which could be done differently, or as nice to haves. Cherry pick the things you’re happy to do, especially things that serve you the most, and them the least, like cleaning up breakfast dishes they would probably get to later on. Are there any weekly jobs which could fall mostly on the weekend? It would be fairer for them to deep clean the bathroom and kitchen on Sunday, and you just do top up cleans during the day. Using your “if I were working” mentality, what would you be quite likely to do if you were living alone and came home to a magically tidy house? At the very least, you’d cook and clean up the dinner dishes, right? If they struggle to get home to start dinner as conveniently as you do, maybe they could batch cook (not a necessity but a nice to have) on weekends and you’re just reheating? Dusting, vacuuming, decluttering and laundry could easily be evening jobs. Do you have a dishwasher? They could leave breakfast things in there much more easily than washing in the sink (emptying it can be a night before duty!).

      1. SheIsWorking*

        She is working, but working at home. She shouldn’t magically have to do a ton more than everyone else on top of her job. Contrary to what some people might think, most people who work at home are actually working most of the time, and in some cases they’re expected to do more because they don’t have a commute.

        1. Ellis Bell*

          Is this a reply to something I said, or a this misnested? The batch cooking on weekends and “evening jobs” I mentioned are for the other people to do, when they are at home, not OP.

          1. bay scamp*

            I think it’s because you said “Using your “if I were working” mentality” (I copied and pasted that from the comment SheIsWorking was replying to).

      2. Sloanicota*

        I agree that “put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher” is an easier rule for a disorganized slob than “make sure you wash your dishes before you leave in the morning” (I say this as a disorganized slob). You can add to that someone’s job being to empty the dishwasher at night or otherwise ensure it’s ready for AM dirty dishes. Installing a dishwasher in my kitchen was an expensive nuisance but did basically resolve a huge swatch of guilt/shame in one fell swoop. Also, before you say you can’t afford it, as I did, remember that you’re adding income by taking in a renter, but like any business proposition, there are inevitable expenses that are incurred in order to benefit from that income, as in this case, three people make a lot more mess than one married couple. That mess can’t just be externalized onto you, while the others benefit from the cost savings.

        1. Analytical Tree Hugger*

          A trick I’ve learned about the dishwashwer (maybe from Life Hacks?): Leave a cup, open side up, in the dishwasher.

          When the cup is full, the dishes are clean. Whoever empties the dishwasher also empties the cup and puts it back in. No uncertainty about whether the dishes are cleaned or not.

          1. dapfloodle*

            We just put a post-it note on the dishwasher that says “Clean” (the post-it can be re-used many times, especially if tape is added after the adhesive wears out). Some other folks just use a magnet.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I think you’ve put your finger on one aspect, that chores are often easiest divided 100-0, followed by exactly equally. (Even then, I used the last with roommates in college, and it turned out “sweep, mop if needed” would always mean “mopping could happen next week.”) It’s when one person expects to do most, but not all, of a chore that resentment really builds. To the person doing the chore 90% of the time, they expected to have 10% off and really notice when that small amount slides down.

      So to the extent that it’s possible to either divide things 100-0 (you’ll handle the daily breakfast washing up, they will pick a chore you don’t like and do it on the weekend), or 33-33-33 (everyone cleans up after themselves at breakfast) that will probably work better than asking them to do a nebulous amount of more.

      1. Fictionalized Reality*

        This is all good and I’ll encourage you to address “minimum standards” for the household, because you may have very different ideas about what is acceptable and what can be left for later.
        For example, I regularly leave dishes in the sink. I sweep the kitchen often but mopping is maybe once a year. If I lived with Falling Diphthong above, I’d be that constantly disappointing housemate. So don’t leave your list with “as needed” if your housemates might have very different ideas about that.

        1. Magda*

          Yeah, there’s no perfect solution to this other than to all agree on the minimum standard. And I mean truly agrees, not just nods along to get out of the conversation. Often you fall into a pattern where the cleanest person sets the standard and then tries to harangue everyone else into daily mopping. This is a recipe for unhappiness all the way around. But it can’t be that the messiest person decrees that until the actual bugs show up, they don’t have to do anything and if anyone else wants to that’s up to them, either.

    6. Fictionalized Reality*

      I don’t have good solutions to the larger problem, but I wonder, why do you have to wash the breakfast dishes to make your lunch? Couldn’t you move them, to a tub to soak, or just to a counter corner where they could wait to be washed?
      I live alone, don’t have a dishwasher, and usually wash dishes every other day. If I lived with someone who expected dishes to be attended to immediately, we’d have a conflict. If someone I lived with expected me to wash their dishes, when it wasn’t a shared meal with you-cook-I-clean routine, we’d have a conflict. I would just set them aside and tell them when they got home: hey, your morning dishes are still waiting.
      Your initial mistake was starting to do this in the first place. Now it’s become habit and they are probably not even noticing. I second the call for a house meeting. Either assigned areas or rotating schedule of areas to be cleaned. And stop washing their dishes, ever.

    7. Frieda*

      My recommendation (having hashed this out with my partner fairly recently, with some grumbling on both sides in the process) is that you mutually develop a chore roster for the three of you – I prefer fixed to rotating because as other people have mentioned, chores can stack up if one person thinks things look fine and then the next person to take that chore has a lot of catching up to do.

      The other thing – it may be that you care more about a clean house (which is reasonable) and they or one or the other of them care less (which, I had to admit with my partner, is also reasonable.) In that case paring down what counts as “necessary” chores might make each person’s share more manageable.

      Example: I was frustrated that I was doing much more of the cooking (more evenings per week), and that my partner thinks I use too many dishes when I cook and that each person should only clean up after their own meal prep mess. So I also did a lot more kitchen cleaning.

      We decided to have an increased number of nights where each of us cooks/reheats/assembles a quick meal for themselves which we then eat together. Also he now unloads, and I reload, the dishwasher.

      The overall labor decreased, and my share of the labor decreased significantly, but the new division of labor does mean that sometimes I can’t clean the kitchen since he hasn’t unloaded the dishes – I either do it myself or tolerate some dirty dishes in the sink. His labor increased but not very much. I am happier about it now and although the basic POV regarding kitchen cleaning and meal prep has remained the same for both of us it has stopped being a point of conflict.

      I do stand by my basic conviction that (for example) it’s fine to use two cutting boards in the course of preparing a meal even if it means you have to wash two cutting boards. He would never.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This may or may not be useful to you, but. In my house, the “empty the dishwasher” chore includes “empty the dishwasher and put away all clean dishes, and then reload it with any dirty dishes that stacked up on the counter while it was either running or waiting to be emptied.” This greatly reduces the emptier’s inclination to leave it sitting full of clean dishes for very long.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In my experience (where a list like Hlao-roo suggests only proved that my housemates were perfectly fine with written proof that I did more housework than all three of them put together), you can’t “communicate it to them” – nothing will change until they participate in creating the plan, and even then it will still take time to see a shift. So as part of your discussions, agree on an accountability strategy too, which could be anywhere from “sticker chart” to “if you don’t do your dishes, we will put them in your room”. :-P whatever makes sense for your lot. Mine for my husband that we agreed on is “if the thing isn’t done when he agreed it would be, he drops everything to come do it immediately when I decide it needs to be done, regardless of what else he is doing.” I think his for me is the same, but I honestly don’t remember because he doesn’t actually care if I do the thing and I always do my stuff in the timelines agreed on because I have less tolerance for unfinished chores than he does.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Do you literally have to wash their breakfast dishes in order to make lunch? Or are you doing it because you feel like it should be done? You don’t have to pick up their slack just because they assume you will.

      If you are all working full time, then big chores can be done on the weekend, and daily cleaning up after oneself can be done in the evening. Talk to them about it, maybe stick a dishpan next to the sink to keep the dirty dishes out of the way, and go about your day.

    10. Malarkey01*

      I think you also need to separate feelings toward husband and feeling toward renter (unless this is an open relationship set up), because you 3 are not equal. There are some chores that you and your husband as the landlord should be more in charge of and things that in a marriage are shared differently than with a roommate.

      My first step would be to get on the same page with husband on what a division of labor looks like in your relationship (one great video I watched talked about fair not always being equal in a marriage because of other factors- like my husband is an emotional giver so does a lot more of that mental/emotional load but I’m the plane organizer so it’s not a 50% labor share but his emotional share is way higher).

      Once husband is on board you can approach your renter with some common home expectations and remember that some things fall to you as the “landlord” is is getting paid.

    11. Magda*

      If they are truly determined never to lift a finger, another alternative is to charge *them* for hiring a cleaner. Some people only respect labor they’re paying for. And how can they say it’s no big deal if they see the monthly price for it to be done? I actually don’t like to let men off the hook for the chores we all need to do, but at least that can outsource some of your stresses and unhappiness in terms of the floors and counters being mopped and then maybe you can collectively focus on problem-solving the remaining tasks, which are probably still the dishes.

    12. Workerbee*

      I am sorry your husband and roommate suck about cleaning up after themselves, and that most of the advice puts even more work on you to try to get these happy-go-lucky residents to do their share.

      I don’t know if my advice will be much different!

      But:
      -It is fair to expect that grown adults going to work can also work to manage their own time. Sure, the occasional breakfast rush happens. But all the time? No. That’s not cool. They clearly have time to _make_ breakfast; they can build in the time to wash their breakfast dishes. Maybe they’ll have to get up a few minutes earlier, maybe they can take time the night before to get things ready so they’re not using that time in the morning to pull out dishes/utensils/whatever – the point is, if they have jobs, and they’re not actively being fired for constant lateness or missing deadlines, then they know what time management is. They now get to apply it to their entire life.

      -They also don’t get to do nothing in the mornings but also nothing in the evenings (or weekends?).

      -It is definitely time for you to just stop doing all the things. You are WORKING. It doesn’t matter that your working space is several feet instead of miles away. There is no more providing a pristine 1950s television sitcom Norman Rockwell American Dream house on top of you ensuring you stay employed AND also get your own fair share of downtime.

      -Reframe it to yourself as: How would housework get done if you, too, worked outside the home? You all would come home in the evening, and at some point, each of you would have to do _something_ toward household maintenance, right? Wash dishes, wipe up spills, whatever. Or like, hey, Saturday is Bathroom Scrub Day, we all know this, it ain’t gonna clean itself, and it’s Bob’s turn to do his share by cleaning this bathroom while Gerald cleans this other bathroom.

      -Use language like “do your share” instead of “help.” They are grown adults living in a house. They are not “helping out.” They need to do their damn share. Repeat ad nauseum.

      -Good luck. It’s hard to retrain people who are really good at putting on society’s blinders and believing the work magically gets done by itself. “I just don’t SEE the mess!” is bullshit.

      -Oh, and don’t get cowed by name-calling, if it happens. We’re taught that being called “nags” or “Karen” is the Worst Thing Ever. It isn’t. It’s a kindergarten tactic. It’s meant to stop the conversation so that you retire to lick your wounds and the other person gets to keep waltzing merrily by their own stink & splatter. Make them realize there is indeed much worse than being called a stupid name, and they are about to find that out. (Grr on your behalf.)

      1. Sloanicota*

        Also, knowing I am too much of a slob to handle my breakfast dishes means that I am limited in my breakfast options to things that don’t make a mess (eg cereal bar or microwave breakfast burrito, not oatmeal). Knowing that the dinner dishes will stress me out and pile up means, sorry, I can only make one-pot meals for a while until I Sort My Sh*t out. So there are some solutions between “poor roommate is forced by the ear into a life of endless chore tyranny by OP” and “but I can’t help it/don’t see it/don’t care as much as you *shrug*.”

    13. Rosyglasses*

      I am somewhat in your boat, although our third “roommate” is our 22 year old son. Both my husband and son work outside the house, and have varying schedules. Son has a physical labor job, so even if he gets home earlier, he is tired. Husband often gets home late, or has to work an evening shift after office job that puts him home at 11pm.

      I realized for myself, that I was starting to do more because I NEED to have a clean space around me. So if someone left dishes out, intending to do them later, I would just do them because I didn’t want to walk by and see them all day.

      So that helped me a bit in terms of – I don’t have to take care of this, but I will because otherwise I have to look at it – and it was recognizing my choice in it rather than they were feeling I was *obligated* to do the thing.

      However, we also have a chore chart – laminated and on the fridge – and it’s not necessarily by person, but it’s more of a reminder of what needs to get done each day. Lovely for us, we all have some level of ADHD and so this ensures the catbox is done before it starts smelling, and the bathrooms are cleaned before they look atrocious, etc.

      We often have family meetings to make sure everyone feels like they have time and space and energy to do the things that are needed when it starts to feel tipped.

    14. Emma*

      The Fair Play book has a “game” designed for stuff like this. Basically it’s the idea that some tasks repeat daily/very frequently (like cleaning up the kitchen, making meals, etc). Others are more occasional (like yardwork). everyone needs a mix of both.

      the book is aimed at couples, but they do have cards (each with a responsibility written in it) in the back that you can photocopy and divide. The book also talks about establishing a minimum standard of care – basically you have to collectively decide what completing a task looks like.

      1. Emma*

        and honestly, I would still recommend reading the book or at least skimming through it, but for the game, it’s likely that many of the responsibilities in the book don’t apply to your roommate, so id probably either make a list of the ones that do, or just write them on index cards, for purposes of the game.

    15. HannahS*

      One piece of advice that really helped me is the idea that we aren’t aiming for equity of chores, but for equity of leisure. It shifts the question from “who is doing more and how can we make sure it isn’t me” to “are we all getting roughly similar amounts of leisure time?”

      If he were to say that he would no longer do any chores at all on his coffee/lunch breaks, and instead spend it on leisure, then that’s fine. But if he’s getting an hour of leisure time at lunch where he gets to go for walks, work out, or have coffee and read the paper, then I want extra hours of leisure a week, too! Even if we did exactly the same amount of chores, the fact that he’d be getting an extra hour of leisure a day (while “saving” chores for me to do) would feel really unfair (context: my work is often with no breaks at all.)

      That doesn’t mean I expect him to do everything just because he’s home, and he doesn’t–I do most of the cooking, which is a lot of labour. But another way of looking at it is that there’s leisure time and non-leisure time. Non-leisure time might be work, chores, or childcare. It’s one big bucket. We don’t litigate who did more within that bucket–generally I work more, we go back and forth on who does more childcare, and he does more housework. We’re aiming for equity of leisure-to-non-leisure time.

      1. HannahS*

        Oops I think I deleted the part where I made clear that the “he” I’m referring to is my husband, who works mostly from home at a pretty chill job, while I work mostly in-person at a not-at-all chill job.

    16. Indolent Libertine*

      If I were in your shoes, the dishes would bug the crap out of me because they’re in your face all day. Every time you go to the kitchen to get more coffee or a snack or water or lunch, there’s the pile of “we don’t care that you have to see this and either work around it or do it for us.” I think you’d be perfectly reasonable to say “you know what, it just really bugs me to have to either look at your dirty breakfast dishes all day or do them myself, so I really need you to make sure you clean up after yourself before you leave for work.”

    17. Samwise*

      They have a long commute? So long that they literally have no free time whatsoever? They work seven days a week?

      Yeah, that’s what I thought.

      They can scrub the tub on the weekend. They can rinse and wipe down the sink when they’re done brushing their teeth every night. They can wash their breakfast dishes or put them in the dishwasher before they head out to work (however long their commute, they would have time to clean up after themselves if they woke up ten minutes earlier ). Etc

      Don’t put up with this bullshit. You need a come to Jesus meeting with these boys.

  22. Lee*

    I know this doesn’t answer the main question, but do you have a dishwasher? Because, if so, they don’t have time to put their dishes in?
    I guess to me that also sort of answers the question as well.
    You can say what you want about the morning commute, but when people aren’t living alone, they need to practice some kind of care about the people they live with.
    Why is it OK to leave dishes because you work from home? If you didn’t work from home, would anyone want to come to a sink full of dishes before dinner? If you live alone, fine, do what you want, otherwise it should just be part of their morning routine.

    Sure, it might be missed on occasion, but should be noted, apologized for, and the person should offer maybe to make it up to you later, maybe by doing more of the dishes that aren’t just theirs at dinner or something?

    I don’t think that behavior is respectful and I’d have a big problem with it too. you aren’t the maid. I agree that a meeting should take place.

    1. WellRed*

      Now see, I work from home and have two roommates so I sometimes get more annoyed than usual about dishes or whatever and realize I need to get out more. Maybe they would prefer to come home and do dishes all at once but OP feels a need to do them at lunch. However, everyone uses the bathroom so that should be divvied equally, for example. I’m home on Fridays so yeah, I bring in the bins from the curb. What makes the most for this household?

      1. Magda*

        I wonder if you could put a big plastic tub on the counter full of warm soapy water for “their” dishes, if they’re truly determined not to do them before they leave the house. This may end up annoying OP less than having their things in the sink (or may just overfill with dishes / quickly become disgusting / be in the way more, hard to say). It’s important not to let the Magic Dish Fairy take care of their breakfast dishes or they will have no incentive to change their behavior.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      And when people ARE living alone, this stuff still has to get done eventually, so there’s maybe room for that question too — “If you didn’t have housemates, what would this process of getting the dishes clean look like to you?” There may be an answer in there. “I’d use paper plates so I didn’t have to worry about it.” Ok, then maybe you should buy a pack of paper plates and use those for breakfast. Breakfast dishes solved.

  23. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I read This Animal Body by Meredith Walters. I can’t say that I recommend it exactly; it was very clearly written to push a specific viewpoint and agenda and the story took a back seat to that. But it was pleasant and light and a good read after the last few difficult weeks, and I was able to finish it, which hasn’t been the case for other books recently.

    1. Writerling*

      Reading a few poems lately made me impulsively check out Poetry Comics by Grant Snider which was fun and lovely and one I’d consider buying to keep for when my niblings are of age.

      I’m giving Maya Angelou poetry a try, too, even if I “don’t get it” and feel dumb grasping at surface level. Reading is reading, right?

      2. GoryDetails*

        I love Grant Snider! Have bought several of his books, and I follow his “Incidental Comics” web site.

    2. cleo*

      I finished Crooked Kingdom, the conclusion to the Six of Crows duology by Leigh Bardugo and enjoyed it, although it was a little too dark for me right now.

      I picked up several books in the Diner Days queer romance series when they were on sale and have been enjoying them. It’s a multi author series set around an inclusive diner in Boston called Randy’s, featuring trans masc protagonists. The four I’ve read have been low conflict, high heat and fun, tropey fluff. They’re all pretty standalone – the first is Written at Randy’s by Katherine McIntyre.

      I’m impatiently waiting to read The Lotus Empire by Tasha Suri, the conclusion to the Burning Kingdoms trilogy. It just came out and I’m number 14 on my library’s waitlist. I love this immersive queer feminist epic fantasy series set in magical alt-India. I’m a bit worried it’s going to be too dark for me right now, but I’m still looking forward to it.

    3. word nerd*

      Loved Nick Lane’s Life Ascending: The Ten Great Inventions of Evolution, although it took until I was halfway through the book before I realized I’d already read it 4 years ago. Still good, though! Works better if you have some science background (he’s a biochemist, and my biochemistry degree was helpful for following the book).

      The Wedding People by Alison Espauch was a cozy, funny read.

      And my 9-year-old kid and I just finished reading Peeing and Pooping in Space: A 100% Factual Illustrated History by Kiona Smith. Honestly, a lot more informational and educational than I thought it would be (did you know astronauts have to be careful about how they burp so they don’t have other stuff come up too besides gas??), and of course funny. Great for kids and adults both.

    4. The cat's pajamas*

      I’m listening to the audiobook of Geddy Lee’s memoir, My Effing Life. It’s really good and compelling so far!

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished re-reading *Miss Mapp* of the Mapp and Lucia series of books by E. F. Benson. Good low-stakes comedy of manners.

      Starting Edna Ferber’s *Saratoga Trunk* — I’ve never read any of her novels before, but I’ve enjoyed some of the plays/films she co-wrote, and I think she won a Pulitzer Prize for one of her books, so I want to check her out.

      1. Clisby*

        Saratoga Trunk was made into a movie with Gary Cooper and Ingrid Bergman, in case you want to check that out.

    6. Jamie Starr*

      Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. I was hesitant to read this because I’m not a gamer at all, but I’m enjoying it so far. I don’t feel like my lack of gaming knowledge is preventing me from understanding anything.

    7. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I just finished In Ascension, which I’d describe as a non-traditional sci-fi…it has some of the elements like a space voyage and ‘anomalies’ that may be sending messages to earth, but most of the book is spent on the actual time and mechanics of how scientists would respond to such events, as well as (to me at least) a realistic take on the secrecy and corporate structures that would come up around it. Which makes it sound dull, but it’s also very philosophical and the writing is beautiful! I enjoyed it, but have lots of unanswered questions at the end.

      1. dapfloodle*

        Oh wow! I was thinking about posting about this book but I didn’t because I haven’t actually started reading it yet… it was on my wishlist and I just got it in the mail this week as an early holiday gift. I’m looking forward to starting it!

    8. chocolate muffins*

      I finished Evil Eye by Etaf Rum. I loved her first book, A Woman is no Man, and many people online seem to have loved Evil Eye as well, so I had pretty high expectations. But I actually didn’t like it as much because it felt much more heavy-handed than her first book. Both are about Palestinian families and their experiences in the US, but Evil Eye seemed like it had a lessons that it was trying to teach readers (Palestinians face racism that looks like XYZ, here’s what trauma looks like, etc) and it didn’t trust readers to pick up those messages on their own from the story itself. Curious to see what others thought if anyone else here has read either book.

    9. GoryDetails*

      Community Board by Tara Conklin, which I bought primarily because the cover-art includes a Little Free Library. (Turns out the LFL is involved in a key plot-point, though it doesn’t get a lot of page-time.) It’s an amusing book with a rather bleak premise: its protagonist Darcy is summarily dumped by her husband, flees to her childhood home in a small town in western Massachusetts only to find that her parents have decamped to a retirement community in Arizona without telling her, and falls into a serious self-isolating depression, staying indoors, living off of canned goods, and passing the time browsing the neighborhood’s online message board. Turns out it’s pretty funny, with several local folks helping Darcy crawl her way out of her tailspin. I’d call it something of a contemporary fable.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Thanks for the suggestion, GoryDetails. My library does have it, and as of today I’m on the waiting list!

    10. GoryDetails*

      A couple of pretty grim and atmospheric horror novels (both quite short):

      Cold Snap by Lindy Ryan, about a woman who tries to cope with the recent, tragic death of her husband by taking her 15-year-old son to the remote cabin where the family had planned to have a secluded Christmas. Things… do not go well, though how much is due to grief-driven dissociation and how much to possible supernatural influences is open to interpretation. (The cover-art grabbed me on this one.)

      We Need to Do Something by Max Booth III: this one has a terrifyingly simple setup – a family of four (unhappily married parents, angry teen daughter, bumptious young son) take shelter in their bathroom during a tornado warning, only to be trapped inside when a tree falls across the house and blocks the door. (Things get weirder as the story goes on, but the setup alone is nightmarish!)

      1. bay scamp*

        I was intrigued by your last paragraph, and saw that that author has a bookstore fairly near where I live, so I’m going to check that out!

    11. Rosyglasses*

      Reading “Almost Everything” by Anne Lamott. It is lovely and nourishing and just what I need with our current *waves hand vaguely around* environment.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I love Anne Lamott, not least because she’s perfectly willing to say “This is UTTER BULLSHIT” about, well, utter bullshit.

    12. Bluebell Brenham*

      Just finished Sara Franklin’s excellent biography of Judith Jones, The Editor. While people may know her from HBO’s Julia, she was an amazing influence on American publishing. She edited literary fiction including Updike & Anne Tyler, and many very successful cookbooks, including Madhur Jaffrey, Edna Lewis, and Anna Thomas.

    13. Lizard*

      For book club #1, I re-skimmed/re-read The Listening House by Mabel Seeley. I’d finished it a couple of weeks ago, but the meeting got pushed back, and I wanted a re-fresh. I thought it was a really great mystery! Well-paced and the dialogue was a lot of fun.

      For book club #2, I finished Sisi: Empress on Her Own by Allison Pataki – her second book on Empress Elisabeth of Austria. I appreciated the impetus to learn more about Empress Elisabeth but definitely preferred the first book to the second.

      And I’ve just started The Once and Future Witches by Alix E. Harrow, which I’m pretty excited about! While the suffragist movement fights for women’s right to vote, three sisters work to bring back the old, powerful kind of witchcraft. (Or at least that’s the impression I got from the synopsis – I’m only a few chapters in).

    14. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m reading Daughter of Doctor Moreau – it’s good but it’s not drawing me in the way the other books by this author have.

    15. The OG Sleepless*

      After a long hiatus, I finished “Wherever You Go, There You Are” by Jon Kabat-Zinn. At the time I started it, mindfulness was such a novel concept to me that I had to take it very slowly. Eight years later, it went a lot quicker.

    16. Dontbeadork*

      Just finished Ben Aaronovich’s *Masquerades of Spring*, a sort of prequel to the Rivers of London series. This one is a PG Wodehouse pastiche set in NY, but still has a much younger Nightingale in it. The main character/narrator is very Bertie Woosterish, with a delightful “Jeeves” butler.

    17. Girasol*

      I’m on The Woman They Could Not Silence by Kate Moore: the true story of a woman sent to an insane asylum at the start of the Civil War because she would not obey her husband (she was speaking out on abolition.) Fascinating story.

    18. PhyllisB*

      I’m almost finished with Real Americans by Rachel Khon. I’m…not loving it. I don’t hate it, but with all the glowing reviews I just knew I would really enjoy it. I’ll probably give it a three on Goodreads.
      So why did I continue it? I got semi caught up in the story and decided I wanted to see how it all played out.

      1. word nerd*

        Sorry you’re not a fan! It’s extra disappointing when you have high expectations for a book and it falls flat.

    19. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m just starting Interior: Chinatown but I’m already immersed, especially in the narrator’s description of the “chasm” between Getting By and Barely Getting By when you are older and poor.

  24. Chic *Shoes and Boots* for Petite Pregnant People?*

    I’m looking for 1) nonslip yet 2) professional and 3) (hopefully) chic 4) no-heel shoes and boots to help me get through a wintry pregnancy. Thanks so much to all the commenters last week who offered suggestions for pants for petite pregnant people (that would be me!) last week. I’m already using your suggestions.
    This week I slipped on the pavement when I took a different walking path due to construction, while in ankle boots with heels. I managed to fall on my hands before I rolled forward but it was scary. It was also puzzling that I fell because I’m not prone to falling, it was dry that day, and I wasn’t looking at my phone. I’m worried about when it does get icy and snowy. Any suggestions welcome! I’ve only bought one pair of shoes in the last few years so perhaps this was the cue I needed to get properly shod. Thanks in advance.

    1. Anon. Scientist*

      This might not be chic enough or too masculine but Doc Martens are in style (still? I think they are) and they or another lace up Oxford will be sturdy and less likely unbalance you. Doc Martens also have relatively soft soles so you’re less likely to slide in the cold.

      1. I just really can’t think of a name*

        I was going to suggest Docs, too, but then I remembered that lacing up shoes became surprisingly hard surprisingly fast when I was pregnant. So I’d look for something slip on! (I have a pair of Columbia boots that I loved for snowy commute days. But it doesn’t seem to snow in NYC anymore…)

        1. bay scamp*

          I have a pair of Docs that have a side zip… they still have laces in front but I definitely use the side zip. So it’s possible that style may still be available….

    2. Fictionalized Reality*

      No idea on specific boots but I recommend using some kind of boot traction device outside when it’s icy and snowy. The brand I have is yaktrax I think. Otherwise, good flat boots with a tread should work; consider a walking stick meanwhile as it sounds like your balance is off due to changing weight distribution. And maybe you can’t see your feet so it’s harder to avoid tripping hazards. Good luck and congrats!

      1. jm*

        Check Clark’s boots, mine are very comfy. Also spring for some really good boots for snowy slick conditions. There will be days when chic doesn’t cut it

      2. Might Be Spam*

        Even if you still can see your feet, your center of gravity changes fairly early in pregnancy. And then keeps changing.

      3. Strive to Excel*

        Huge agree on Yaktrax. I have a very similar product that’s metal spikes on a set of rubber soles. They are one-size-fits-most and can be pulled on over any non-heel shoe. I keep them in my car as a bad weather emergency kit item.

    3. Annie Edison*

      I have some Chelsea boots from Ecco that I practically live in for fall and winter, and I love them so much I bought them in a second color this year

      1. Annie Edison*

        Also – they have a lot of options when you search “Chelsea boots.” The non-heel ones I love are called “ecco soft 7 leather Chelsea boots”
        If you don’t like those specific ones, search Chelsea boots with no heel on Google and I think you’ll get a lot of options

    4. Rocky*

      Lems has foot-shaped shoes and boots that are super comfortable and durable. (I’ve bought a couple different pairs and love them all. They’re currently on sale so I’m buying replacements for the ones that are worn out!) The outsoles are zero drop (they’re flat and minimalist) so that might help if you want to be close to the ground. Their Women’s Boulder Summit Waterproof boots and Women’s Boulder Boot Grip Waterproof books have extra grippy outsoles that are meant for slippery and icey conditions.

    5. Chauncy Gardener*

      I just got some very cute Sorrel boots that are fuzzy inside and have good traction. They look “wintery” but every single time I’ve worn them I’ve received so many complements.

    6. HannahS*

      Hello, I am a petite person with one child. While I am generally frugal, I spend money for shoes. I have Red Wing ankle boots (on the more casual side of business casual,) Reebok white runners for spring/summer, and black Blondo knee-high boots for skirts/dresses.

    7. ReallyBadPerson*

      Vionic makes some cute boots and they have excellent traction. If it’s really icy, I second the Yaktrax recommendation.

      You probably know this, but your ligaments loosen during pregnancy, so you are at increased risk of falling and will just be unusually clumsy.

    8. Samwise*

      When I was pregnant, I wore leggings or tights, big sweaters or tunics or jumpers with mock tees, chunky hiking socks, and hiking boots. (I walked to work, getting into my car at the end of the day was frustrating because inevitably some bozo parked RightNextTo the car and I couldn’t get in). I got a lot of compliments on this look.

      Be comfortable and be safe and to hell with anyone who wants you to drop a ton of money on maternity clothes for the office.

    9. Samwise*

      Also, get you some StabilIcers (I got them from REI) to go over your boots

      I do suggest that you wear sturdy, supportive shoes or boots outside. Leave some pairs of office shoes at the office, if you don’t want to wear the sturdy shoes inside.

    10. Makare*

      I swear by my Blundstones year-round, if you like the look of them. I find them super comfortable and they have really good soles—my sister’s even worn hers hiking before. The one thing is that they can be difficult to slip on and off, but a good long shoehorn does the trick for me.

  25. Bobina*

    What’s your weirdest preference for white/background noise?

    I’m a sports fan (I enjoy most, if not all the sports) and casually follow cricket generally. But as soon as it gets to Australian spring/summer (aka now), I *need* to have WBBL/BBL/any test match on as background noise if its available. Its just the most soothing type of commentary, all the ridiculous cricket terminology I barely understand and when the English are playing, TMS and Jonathan Agnew are like the most perfect cliche of Englishness.

    I definitely also associate it with Christmas holiday approaching so perhaps thats part of the reason, but as I put it on this Saturday morning, I did find it a bit weird that this is a habit I seemed to have picked up in the last couple of years :D

    1. Cordelia*

      I also love TMS (Test Match Special) as background noise, but it’s funny to me to think of it being associated with the Christmas holiday! As an English person, it’s the soundtrack to summer for me.

    2. StuffICanIgnore*

      News or reruns. If I’m in an office, music. I will put sports on in the background sometimes, but invariably I either pay more attention to the game/match/etc or miss most of the match/game but catch the winner before I can watch it as a rerun later. So I won’t do it for sporting events I care about (except things that are full days over a limited number of weeks like tennis grand slams or the olympics).

    3. The cat's pajamas*

      I used to love this website called lofi ATC that combined live air traffic control feeds with lofi music. Soothing happened with the ATC feed and they can’t run it anymore which is a bummer. I have been able to emulate it by just having a different ATC site and lofi site playing in 2 browser tabs, but it’s not quite the same.
      ATC is good by itself, too. I never would have thought of it until I stumbled upon they site. I like it better than something like talk radio because they are always speaking in a com voice and the cadence is consistent. The content is all about what’s landing where, so it’s harder to get sucked into whatever conversation the news people are having and no ads, etc.

      2. Bobina*

        Hah, this is amazingly niche but I’ve also 100% spent afternoons deep diving Youtube videos of memorable ATC moments so I can understand how it makes sense! That idea of lofiATC website sounds amazing, shame it isnt working anymore.

    4. Pearl Puffin*

      I listen to Vince Guaraldi trio or light jazz on my alexa. It’s just right for my brain to focus on and not go skittering off like a squirrel.

    5. Blue Cactus*

      I adore thunderstorm ambiance, despite originally being from a place where it rains extremely rarely. For some reason the sound of rain is perfect to distract the part if my brain that keeps trying to find something else to think about!

    6. A313*

      If there’s a Law and Order marathon on, I can get lots done (household stuff). I’ve seen every episode so many times and as I’m moving in and out of the tv room, it’s nice to see the characters and think “oh yeah, this is the one about the guy who” whatever. Very occasionally, I get caught up in the episode, which is also pleasant. Now that I’m writing this out, it is a little odd, and not what the creators ever envisioned, I’m sure.

      1. Love me, love my cat*

        Not odd at all! I mean, I’ve never done it, though. Really, I haven’t:) Funny how I’ll watch, or at least listen to, Law and Order before I’ll try most of the new shows on now. Bonus points if it’s an episode with Jerry Orbach.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Baseball in the US, so pretty much the same! I do understand the terminology. If it’s my team, then I pay more attention. I love the rhythm of it, and mostly I love that it reminds me of summer drives with my dad.

      I don’t follow other sports, so the rest of the year it’s HGTV or something like that even if I’m not watching it.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      I listen to Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories quite a bit when I need to be productive. It’s a good combination of energetic and chill, and since most of the lyrics are really repetitive I can sing along without getting distracted.

      In winter I like the Charlie Brown Christmas album and other jazz piano, but it feels too Christmassy the rest of the year so I do the “rainy day coffee shop” type videos on YouTube or lofi piano playlists.

    10. Chaordic One*

      I don’t think it is weird, but I like to leave HGTV or the Weather Channel running on my TV. I also like to have NPR, the BBC or the local classical music station running on my radio.

    11. Dr. KMnO4*

      There are a few YouTuber’s videos that I’ve watched/listened to enough times that they fade into the background – CV-11, RussianBadger, and Max0r. When I was painting my house, I made some playlists and they saved my sanity. Also, if I’m having trouble falling asleep I’ll put on one of their videos and *bam*, out like a light.

      In grad school, while writing important presentations, I would have a single song on repeat. For my first-year thesis proposal presentation it was “Hotel California” by the Eagles. For my dissertation defense presentation it was “It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock and Roll)” by AC/DC.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        I also love to listen to something on repeat when working on a big project. In undergrad I tended towards Ratatat remixes vol 1

    12. NobodyHasTimeForThis*

      For night sleeping or working pure white fan type noise. Not digital versions of it.
      For napping, cleaning, or just existing, TV that I have seen a million times so I dont care if I leave the room and miss an episode or 3 or sports.

    13. The OG Sleepless*

      I have a Deep House Music station on Pandora that I listen to when I’m doing bookkeeping. Sports on the radio is kind of nice, too; I can barely follow sports on TV and they’re almost unintelligible on the radio, so they don’t grab my attention. Plus, my grandfather listened to all kinds of sports on the radio so they make me think of him.

    14. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      This is probably not terribly weird, but — Forensic Files. The original run, not the one they rebooted. Really any true crime TV, but if I had to pick one, it would be FF with the ominous narrator. Excellent background noise for me.

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      Besides traffic noise (a given with the windows open because I live next to a busy street in a city) I put on MST episodes–ones I’ve watched a lot so I can track them semi-consciously. They’re like reading a letter from an old friend for my ears.

  26. Anima*

    Unplanned free time: I am so extremely busy with work and school (uni) that I almost never have real free time. It’s rather exhausted laying-around-time that I absolutely must take to stay functional and that I plan into my shedule. But it looks like I might have some unplanned free time this weekend because of a workshop ending early. When that happens, I don’t know hat to do with myself and in the end do nothing, neither stuff like finally doing laundry nor real realx time. Does anybody have tips to avoid that? Anybody any idea why that is?

    1. Cordelia*

      I’ve been keeping a list of “things I want to do when I have the time”, for just this purpose. Because when I’m working and doing other dull-but-necessary things, I can think of plenty of things I’d rather be doing, but they don’t come to mind when I actually have the time. Might this work for you?
      But also, doing nothing is absolutely ok!

    2. word nerd*

      What do you mean by “do nothing”? If you mean “I get sucked into doomscrolling on my phone” or spending too much time on the computer that feels yucky afterwards (this would be me when I don’t feel happy about how late I’ve stayed up or whatever), maybe tell yourself ahead of time you’ll avoid screens, whatever it is you end up doing?

      1. Anima*

        I do doomscroll, but I also do – nothing? I bump around the flat and in the end lost three hours with nothing done. It’s really weird.

    3. stripey giraffe*

      My tip is to *plan* something. Plan on laundry. If you have laundry at home: then read a book while eating cookies while the clothes are in the dryer. If you go to a laundromat, put your clothes away at home, then eat cookies while reading/surfing/etc for a fixed amount of time. With such a busy schedule, if you just go home, you won’t get anything done unless you make a point of it. And, you’ll feel better if you’ve done a thing.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I am charmed by your commitment to getting cookies on the schedule! You are a person after my own heart. : )

      2. Anima*

        You are a person to my liking! I do, in fact, schedule time to eat cookies or do something creative, even if it’s just for 20 min. :)

    4. Magda*

      I have to schedule a walk. If I get home my “do nothing time” may quickly become “scroll the internet time.” That time does not restore me, doesn’t improve my mood, and doesn’t seem to have an offramp – I can apparently scroll the internet all day. Truly restful activities might be taking a hot bath, going out to a favorite cafe with a book, or anything outdoors. Restorative activities might be meeting up with a friend, but I have to ditch that if I haven’t rested enough, because a) most of my friends are incredibly needy right now, through some confluence for circumstances and b) it quickly feels like a scheduled chore that I “have to” do, even if I wanted to get it on the calendar and will have fun when I get there.

      1. Magda*

        Also – I feel you on the “overscheduled” issue. That is usually a stage of life though, so you’re right to want to figure out what down time looks like for you. Back in college I don’t think I ever sat down unless it was time to sleep. It was weird when I got a job and was “done” at around 6PM. I had to figure out what I wanted to do in that time. I know parents now who are back in the 24/7 mode now, but most have said it settles out again a bit when the kids are school aged and more independent. Right now I’m back in the grind because I’m working three jobs, but that isn’t the long term plan and someday it will be over.

    5. Anima*

      Thank you all for your suggestions! In the end I re-organized my clothes and cupboard and then watched YouTube purposefully (I put stuff that interests me into my watch later – list and watch when I have time and concentration, which I feel is quite purposeful). None of that was planned, but I do feel more relaxed now.

  27. Kate*

    This week’s office traditions post made me smile so much — what very low-key, low-stakes traditions do you have with friends/family?

    1) my very long-term but not live-in partner thinks the toilet paper should go over, and I firmly believe it should go under. Whenever I’m at his place, I quietly switch it, and him, vice versa. But only in one mutually designated bathroom. It’s like the tiniest “I was here!” sign and it makes us both giggle.

    2) everyone’s stockings must contain a Terry’s Chocolate Orange, and they are dutifully turned over to dad, who adores them. It wouldn’t be the same to fill his entire stocking with his favourite thing, or put a tray under the tree. Everybody turns them over to him with a laugh, usually stacking them in a Jenga-like pile. Being considered old enough for a placeholder chocolate orange is a coveted rite of passage.

    1. Cordelia*

      number 1 – my sister and I have been doing this to each other for decades now! But for us it’s every bathroom we share, everywhere. Each other’s houses, other relatives houses, hotel rooms. If I’m in a restaurant and the paper is Wrong, I will turn it round. I know perfectly well that if she uses the bathroom after me, she will turn it back again. We never ever discuss it.
      I’m on your partner’s side, btw.

      1. Miss Buttons*

        I have been known to do the hotel toilet paper fold when visiting family, which has charmed and delighted some. Of course the TP must be over, as the hotel fold doesn’t look right when it’s under.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Our winter holiday is Trismas. Trismas happens whenever your chosen family can get together, there is no set date, and you eat Chinese food, watch Die Hard, and exchange sacks of small gifts, candy, weird food/beverages, sauces, whatever grabs your attention. You can also do “traditional” gifts separately, but Trismas is only for little stuff, our limit is nothing in the sack over a few bucks. (We also have traditionally taken the whole household to World Market where we rifle their international snack and candy section for Trismas loot.)

      Also, the official start of The Holidays is when my husband has dressed Holidaysaurus Rex in his turkey suit (a false beak and a big fan of tailfeathers) AND I have brought my husband a dark chocolate orange.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        The World Market trip has been a once-a-year thing (leading my brother to joke that I go to Disneyworld more than the World Market in the next suburb over), and Holidaysaurus Rex is my porch dinosaur; we dress him rather like the traditional concrete goose.

      2. Harlowe*

        Excellent movie choice. We do a backwards Die Hard countdown in the five days leading up to Christmas, with the original played on Christmas Eve. Back when Bruce Willis was still healthy, we often joked about how he needed to do two more, and round out the week for us.

      3. FACS*

        I get a dark chocolate orange every your that I don’t eat. It just goes back on the shelf in the kitchen for next year. The rest of the family eats their milk chocolate ones. DH just likes to include me.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Husband loves them, but he eats them slow. I end up getting him usually like 3 or so of them during the season – one when they first show up on the shelves, one right after Thanksgiving, and one in his Trismas box. But he eats them all.

    3. Fictionalized Reality*

      Omg I have the toilet paper goof with a friend/former roommate too! Although I think she has come over to my side lately. When she was living with me, I teasingly sat her down for a serious discussion. “I don’t have many house rules but this is one I insist upon: TP must go over.” It was the only time I did the “my house/my rules” and it was done jokingly… but kidding/not kidding. Now when we are at each other’s homes sometimes we switch it, just for fun.

      Old weird family traditions? My BIL used to bring a chunk of government cheese to Thanksgiving. No one ate it (might have been the same cheese every year) but it was a touching reminder of old days (we all grew up on that cheese) and our current blessings, giving thanks that no one now needs to eat the cheese.

    4. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I live abroad and my mother and . When I go visit, I must make her my homemade granola recipe, which she is crazy about and eats by the handful as a snack (she could totally learn the recipe, but I think she finds it touching that I always remember to make her some).

      Whenever we see each other, or she’s sending a Christmas package, she will give me a stack of Italian crossword magazines she built up for a few weeks. I’m very slow with them and have a big backlog at home, but when I feel like playing word games, that specific magazine is the only one that does it (it’s the best known brand in Italy, and the one I learned to do difficult crosswords on as a kid because my mum used to bring it on beach holidays).

      1. Kate*

        Awww I love both of these!

        I lived abroad on and off for… 15 years, and every year my book club friends would always send me a group photo with a 8.5 x 11 photo of my head included in the line up! I felt so loved.

    5. CHOCOLATE ORANGES FOR THE WIN*

      Oh, boy…I LOVE CHOCOLATE ORANGES! We discovered them when we lived in England in the early 90s and whenever we’d come back to the US we’d bring a load of them and pass them around to our relatives. (Because of the foil, they look a bit like round hand grenades on the airport Xray and caused some amusement when they realized how much we love those things.) Anyway, imagine our excitement when we found them in the US and then everyone (we all used to get oranges or clementines in the toe of the Christmas stocking, dating back to when my dad was a kid and that was a big treat) started getting chocolate oranges instead. No one gives theirs away! Also everyone always got underwear in their Christmas stocking and had to put it on their heads (we did that up until one of the kids got married).

    6. Emma*

      My family has started making a different cookie or dessert from the cookbook Midwest Made for the holidays each year, and we note the year we made it in the book. This year is going to be some fudge, which looks easy, because I’m short on time and energy!

    7. Perpetua*

      In our home, we start listening/watching Pentatonix music on repeat on Youtube, with the fireplace visuals, on Dec 1 and not a day earlier. I had to institute this rule to preserve some magic, otherwise my husband would listen to them all year But it worked and now we both (and our 4-yo) look forward to the start of Pentatonix season.

      My husband and I also have the tradition of a photo advent calendar – picking 12 favourite/most significant photos of the year each, getting them developed separately, mixing them and putting them in designated envelopes without looking, and then every night we open one envelope and the person who chose it shares why they did so. It’s a lovely way to reminisce and connect a bit more intentionally.

    8. My Brain is Exploding*

      We also generally have strange food to try…different flavors of M&Ms, or kit-kats, or chips (last year we found stuffing-flavored chips and mashed potato-flavored chips), and many interesting things can be found at the Asian Market (the truffle chips are THE BOMB).

    9. The OG Sleepless*

      During the winter of 1999-2000, Pop Tarts had little Pokemon figures in the box as prizes. We accumulated six or eight Polliwraths and a couple of Charizards. Over time, they all disappeared except for two Polliwraths. We didn’t know their name at the time, and we called them Blotto Fist. When the kids were young, we had a casual, ongoing game where we would leave Blotto Fist for each other to find, like on top of a saltshaker, on the TV remote, whatever. The unspoken rule was that you never mentioned finding him, and put him somewhere else for the next person. We still do it occasionally. When my daughter left for college, my son stuck one of the Blotto Fists on top of her steering wheel, and I’m pretty sure he’s still there.

    10. Enough*

      Toilet paper goes over unless you have cats who unroll it. Christmas stocking has the small Reese’s peanut butter cups. Dad gets Russel Stover dark chocolate assortment. Each kid had a designated Christmas paper theme. Their presents are wrapped in it and I don’t need name tags. They started using different paper but with their theme for the gifts they give so you always know who it’s from.

    11. Might Be Spam*

      It isn’t Christmas unless I give Sprecher (caffeine free) rootbeer. Everyone gets at least one four-pack under the tree. You know you are part of the family when you get your four-pack.
      On Mother’s Day, we realized that nobody told my daughter’s boyfriend that I don’t actually like root beer, when he brought me some.
      It all started because my son couldn’t have caffeine when he was young and I found a soda that he could have safely. Now he’s all grown up and can have caffeine without problems, but we still have to have the caffeine free root beer for Christmas.

    13. dapfloodle*

      This is probably a basic bee one, but my husband and I like to drive around our town and look at Christmas lights on a weekend night every December. We always get fancy coffee drinks to-go for the drive. We have a specific mixture of Christmas and non-Christmas music to listen to for the occasion, but if I told you the non-Christmas part, someone would figure out who I was for sure!

  28. Anxious autistic dude*

    Does anyone have good recommendations for self-teaching resources for Portuguese, particularly for people like me who already speak Spanish? Bonus points if the resource focuses on European Portuguese as I’m more likely to go to Portugal than Brazil in the near future. Obrigado :)

    1. Unkempt Flatware*

      Yes—try children’s books in Portuguese. Better if you know the stories in English or Spanish already.

    2. word nerd*

      Start by checking your local library for free resources. My library offers free Rosetta Stone online, which is not the best, but I like the no ads + it works better when you already know a related language. Pimsleur is a well-known audio-focused course (also available through Libby through my library) that’s great for getting your verbal fluidity and comprehension up to speed.

      Watch YouTube videos to practice listening comprehension and get random tips (put subtitles on in Portuguese at first or play at slower speeds if you need it). I like the YouTube channel Portuguese with Leo, which is European Portuguese.

      For vocabulary, Anki is a free system that’s great for making your own flashcards, which is set up nicely for spaced repetition so you can actually remember a word two months later.

      Once you feel like you have some basics down, I’ve had some really good experiences with the website Conversation Exchange. The idea is you connect with someone who’s a native Portuguese speaker who wants to learn a language you’re fluent in; then you meet regularly with them online (or in person if they’re near you) to spend, say, 30 minutes speaking in English and 30 minutes speaking in Portuguese. I’ve used it for Spanish and Italian exchanges with people in Mexico and Italy, but there are people from all over! I’ve had an Italian buddy now for over two years. I’m planning to start one soon in French once I’ve had a couple months of basic French under my belt.

    3. Square Root of Minus One*

      Depends where you start off. I think they’re similar in construction but not really in sound. So listen listen listen. Portuguese pronunciation is very different.
      Given that you speak Spanish and want that taken into account, maybe a language method in Spanish instead of English could be a better starting point. Heads-up tho, you need a command in Spanish that covers grammar and related things for that to work.

    4. Litprof*

      There’s an app called Practice Portuguese that is specifically for European Portuguese. I used it prior to a vacation there, and it worked well. Don’t use Duolingo, which is Brazilian Portuguese.

    5. londonedit*

      If you do go to Portugal, I’d recommend not saying anything that suggests you think Portuguese is in any way similar to Spanish :D

  29. PhyllisB*

    Y’all keep your fingers crossed for me. I’m going to see an audiologist this week and see if there’s any help for my hearing problem. The ENT I visited seems to think I’m a good candidate for hearing aids.

    1. Say what?*

      Good luck, I’m in the process of getting evaluated. I hope this is ok and not “advice” but in terms of what to expect, I had one appointment for a hearing test, then I have 2 more scheduled over the next few months. One to go over options for what kind of hearing aids I could get, and then a third for a fitting if I get them.
      I don’t recall if they typically book the appointments a couple months apart, or if that’s just what was available because it’s hard to get on their calendar.
      If I don’t get them we just cancel the third appointment. My hearing loss is mild and I might actually qualify for over the counter ones. I have tinnitus, too, so wanted to talk to a specialist because I thought there might be different hearing aids or something but it should be fine to get regular ones. Right now I’m borderline and younger than the average age most people get them, but I’ve been having lots of issues with background noise and leaning towards getting them.
      Good luck!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Say What? thank you so much for your response!! I was wondering how this might play out so you cleared that up for me.
        I have tinnitus also, and that’s one reason I put this off; I had always heard that there’s no help for that, but a lady at my church just got hearing aids (she also has tinnitus) and she said it’s made all the difference in the world. The other reason is I was told that insurance doesn’t cover the cost of hearing aids and I just couldn’t afford them, but my mother passed away this year and left me some money so now I can. It’s a terrible way to be able to do it, but I also know she would be the first to tell me to go for it. I’ll report back.

        1. Samwise*

          I’m wearing my phonak hearing aids right now, which relieve about 90 % of my tinnitus.

          I have an office visit twice a year. They clean and adjust the hearing aids, if needed. Most recently they also replaced the cord for the charger. I’ve had to have some repairs done, they came with a 3-year warranty. Unfortunately, the warranty after that is damn expensive.

          The audiology practice I go to is excellent. It’s worth checking reviews or get referrals.

    2. Undine Spragg*

      I read an interesting article about hearing aids. Apparently they don’t work at first and you have to suck it up and wear them all the time anyway, and then after a while something in your brain suddenly clicks and they start working much better. Intermittent wear just doesn’t do it. So good luck and hang in there.

    3. Hearing better is good*

      They’re expensive but I hadn’t realized how exhausting it is without them. There’s something called “listening effort,” when you’re leaning forward, straining to hear putting in so much energy just to get the conversation. Things are SO much better with them. Best of luck.

    4. Fictionalized Reality*

      I’ve been through this recently. Some things I’ve learned:

      Wide variety in hearing aids and the market is changing on price points and technology. If your situation is mild-moderate loss you can probably use relatively inexpensive aids.

      Check on your audiologist, should have the AuD degree. Otherwise they are a “hearing technician.”

      Ask if the hearing aids have the telecoil. Used with “loop” technology installed in some places that transmits sound direct to your ears. If you live somewhere that has it in places you go, you will want it.

      No aid restores perfect hearing and it is normal to take time to adjust and to go back to where you got them to tweak the settings, repeatedly.

      Good luck! Fingers crossed.

    5. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      That’s great that you’re going ahead with this! Apparently, wearing hearing aids and making sure that you keep up with glasses prescriptions can help keep your brain sharp and reduce the risk of dementia, so you’re doing a self-nurturing thing for yourself by making sure you can hear better.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        P.S. It’s important to learn how/when to clean your hearing aids so that they stay effective.

    6. Generic Name*

      Good luck! My dad has hearing aids, and they are so tiny. You don’t even see them. My grandpa’s hearing aids were the old school ones that looked like a lump of silly putty in the ear. Dad’s hearing aids are Bluetooth enabled, so he can take phone calls and listen to music with them. Pretty cool.

    7. Mimmy*

      Good luck! I’ve been hard of hearing my whole life but wouldn’t get hearing aids until I was in my 20s – denial I guess. I still have difficulty hearing at times, but it is much better with the hearing aids in. It does take time to adjust. Mine are Bluetooth-enabled, which I love because I can use them with my phone, computer, and even the TV (accessories are needed for the computer and TV).

    8. Blue Cactus*

      My mom got hearing aids a few years ago and she loves them! She’s had issues in one ear since she had an eardrum rupture as a kid, and the hearing aids have been amazing for her. Hers are so tiny you’d never know she was wearing them, and they connect to bluetooth on her phone so she can take calls and listen to music/audiobooks directly (no headphones). Hope you have a great experience!

    9. Tradd*

      For other people with slight to moderate hearing loss, don’t forget that Apple AirPod Pro 2 ear buds have been approved in the US (and some other countries) for use as hearing aids. OTC hearing aids were approved by the FDA a couple of years ago. You need the AirPod Pro 2 and an iPhone or iPad capable of running iOS 18.1. The AirPods will also need an update of their software (free). There is lots in the news about it. You or your loved one may already have them. If you want to get them, tons of sales right now. Might be a game changer for someone who can’t afford Rx hearing aids or just needs a bit of help.

    10. Pam Adams*

      my sister just got hearing aids- after struggling with hearing issues for a long time. She’s very happy and wishes she had done it earlier.

    11. Usually Lurking*

      I ***LOVE*** my hearing aids! When I occasionally end up in any kind of situation without them – even just being at the audiologist’s office while she is working on them – I am reminded how completely awful life would be without them. Go for it!

    12. Rick Tq*

      If the Costco in your area has a hearing aid center give them a try. They do free hearing exams and their instruments are a fraction of the cost of ones you get from an audiologist…

      1. Happily Retired*

        Yes, I got my hearing aids at Costco! I did not go to an ENT or audiologist. Bluetooth enabled, practically invisible, and the difference in hearing is amazing.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Thanks for all the responses and tips. No Costco in our area so that option is out.
          Yes I know about the link between hearing issues and dementia, that’s one reason I figured I should see about it.
          About the Bluetooth: I don’t have an iPhone, I have an android. I can use Bluetooth in my car with it, so will I be able to use it otherwise? I realize I can ask the audiologist these questions, I’m just trying to figure out if I need to plan on getting a new phone, too.

          1. Trixie Belden was my hero*

            My Android phone connects to my Bluetooth hearing aids no problem.
            One thing I learned, mine stopped working after 3 years and when I went back to the audiologist, they needed a software update that only they could do. Also my original warranty was scheduled to run out in 3 weeks so they gave me a loaner pair and sent them back for new batteries, no charge. Keep an eye on any expiration dates and plan maintenance accordingly. The batteries are like phone batteries, they will eventually lose the ability to recharge.
            Good luck! It takes a while to get used to, your brain has to learn how to process sound. It’s life changing but worth it.

          2. Observer*

            About the Bluetooth: I don’t have an iPhone, I have an android. I can use Bluetooth in my car with it, so will I be able to use it otherwise?

            Yes, it works, assuming the right equipment. And it is *awesome*.

            Now, it’s possible you might need a new phone, depending on how old your phone is. And also depending on brand of hearing aid – some are still a little picky about what they work with. So, you want to talk to the audiologist about that. But, you don’t need an iPhone, so you don’t have to make that switch just for the hearing aids.

            Also, there is a difference between just pairing, where anything on the phone connects to the hearing aids. That’s going to work with pretty much any up to date smart phone, regardless. Where there *might* be an issue is with the app to make changes and control the aids.

          3. Happily Retired*

            I hear ya! We have to drive to Greenville SC (we’re in Asheville*) for a Costco. We drive down every 2-3 months, an hour drive, to load up the freezer.

            *Asheville has gotten drinkable tap water back, 7+ weeks after the hurricane – woot!! I hope to never see boxed water again for the rest of my life, but God bless FEMA and all the other agencies who supported us in those first two months.

    13. Jessica*

      Best of luck, PhyllisB! You’re doing a really good thing for yourself. Everything they say about hearing loss leading to social isolation and mental deterioration is true. I had to watch it in someone close to me who refused to get hearing aids and it has been heartbreaking. I don’t know how hard or easy it will be to find something that works well for you, but persevere and I hope it makes your life better.

      1. Retired now*

        My DH has had hearing aids for several years now. He has a severe tentative and hearing aids, have made all the difference for that as well as for his hearing loss. He was a rock ‘n’ roll and his hearing reflects that

        We were super lucky that his insurance covered them at the time, and now that we are on Medicare with the supplement if he has to replacement, they will pay $2000 toward the cost of new ones which should be somewhere between four and five. But his audiologist doesn’t anticipate he will need new ones at least for a couple of years.

        As others have said it may take some getting used to, and your audiologist should be able to talk to you about ones that are good for Dentist as well as hearing loss. Your hearing tests will help determine where your strongest hearing loss is and have a combat that.

        And again as others have said it’s important to keep them clean, take the wax out, etc. etc.

        TBH, my DH is extremely forgetful about a lot of things, but he has never misplaced his hearing aids or want them to bed or in the shower or any other place where you shouldn’t wear them. So once you get used to them it’s like second nature . And it’s totally improved my DH’s quality of life

  30. RussianInTexas*

    Old/foreign/forgotten books that suddenly made into the news? Or you wish were released again?
    Roadside Picnic, one of the best sci-fi books ever written (not just mine humble opinion), was finally re-translated from the original Russian, and re-released in the US. Originally written in 1972 by the Strugatsky brothers, allowed in circulation for a few years, then banned until the 90s, it’s a fairly short novel, and it’s really good, and been talked about in the sci-fi book circles a lot recently, due to the re-release.
    The video game STALKER was based on it.

    2. YNWA*

      The surviving Strugatsky brother tried to sued James Cameron over Avatar’s using Pandora and unobtainium, among other concepts. It didn’t go far, but that was the last time Roadside Picnic or Far Rainbow have been talked about. Source: I have a PhD in science fiction literature and designed an eastern European course.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I love Strugatsky brothers and have the full collection in Russian. I even un-ironically live their Noon universe. Re-read since of the books on the regular basis.
        Ivan Efremov too, although his future is significantly more unrealistic.

    3. carcinization*

      I read the book and saw the movie about 10 years ago… looking back at your comment I’d thought that the movie was mentioned, but you mentioned a video game I wasn’t aware of. Not surprising though since I don’t play video games!

  31. To Choir or Not to Choir?*

    I joined a community choir in the fall. I used to be in choirs in high school and college – 30 years ago – and have really missed that “community” feeling along with the singing.

    This is a term-by-term choir. I have to decide now if I will be joining next term after the new year.

    But I can’t see my way clear to a decision. Help!

    It mostly boils down to: The other first sopranos won’t play with me!

    When I write it out, it sounds so lame, but –

    A lot of people have been in this choir for awhile, sometimes years. We meet only once a week in the evening for two hours. I do understand that it takes time to form more than a superficial friendship.

    Yet this soprano pack – my alleged people – does not seem interested in adding another person. They already have their shared jokes and social media connections; they’re pretty constantly chattering to each other when we’re not singing.

    It doesn’t help that I was stuck behind them up in the last row because I’m taller – and that I don’t read music (it was not a requirement for this choir). I used to, somewhat, back in the days of school & competitions, but it’s been decades. As it happens, I _am_ next to another newbie first soprano in the back row – but she’s petrified of the high notes so spends most of her time miserable and really quiet. #choirdrama

    So sometimes I don’t know for sure if I’m even hitting the right notes myself.

    It is true that the pack of firsts are all of a similar age (late 20s-early 30s) which I hadn’t even thought would be an issue, but is definitely younger than I am. I don’t see myself as loomingly older…

    …and yet I actually get along better with the altos, who are warm and friendly no matter what age they are; too bad they sit way on the other side of the room.

    All of this combined makes me feel isolated and my confidence has been shaken a bit.

    Things I’ve tried:
    -Talking to the sopranos before practice starts. They’re polite, but more interested in greeting their own pack and talking about things they’ve already seen on each other’s Facebook pages.
    –After practice, they’re busy saying goodbye to each other and/or walking out together.
    -Asking the director if I could sit in their row. I cited the reason as being that I can’t hear the high notes properly (which is true). Her response was to move me next to a second soprano in the back who likes to crack into first Very Loudly.

    Now I’m wondering if I joined because I missed that sense of togetherness even more than performing!

    When I think of not doing this anymore, I do feel some relief.

    And yet.

    I love to sing. The choir has such a beautiful sound. I even have a couple solos this term and could have more next term. Everyone says the next term is so much fun. Other people are at least friendly, even if they aren’t sitting near me. :/

    Should I struggle along as I am for another term, or call it quits?

    1. RagingADHD*

      If there aren’t any other choirs around, give it another term. You never know how the dynamic might change with people going in and out. And you can make friends with other people.

      But if there are other options, maybe try one of them.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I agree, I would try other options. Some choruses are just… like that, and it’s not great, but if this is a non-audition choir then there should be others around who would be happy to have you.

        When we moved to our current city, I auditioned for– and got into– two choruses. I worked from home and felt isolated (this was in 2019), and my chorus is always where I find my people, so I figured I’d just sing with both. At Chorus A’s first rehearsal I felt welcomed and was treated well. At Chorus B’s first rehearsal, I got the impression that no one was interested in having me there– and oddly enough, I sang with Chorus B right out of college (over 20 years ago) and some of my old chorus buddies were still in the group. They didn’t help. It was WEIRD. So… after Chorus B’s first concert (which I hated, I thought the primary piece was awful), I bailed. Cost me dues and a dress, but whatever, I am not interested in spending my free time with a bunch of biddies who glare at me when I make a teeny mistake in a rehearsal. I am very happy with Chorus A, we work hard, and I’ve made some wonderful friends.

        Unless you are a professional, we are choral singers for the joy of it. We may find joy in different group styles and different types of music, but joining a chorus is supposed to be enjoyable.

        1. To Choir or Not to Choir?*

          Your experience is very helpful & insightful – though I am sorry you had to go through it with Chorus B.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          That last paragraph says it all. This presumably isn’t the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or similar–the entire point of choral singing is a chance to enjoy making beautiful music.

      2. To Choir or Not to Choir?*

        There are – but their dues & expectations are much higher in cost and time for me to sustain. I was bummed to discover that my current choir is, on paper at least, the most reasonable.

    2. Magda*

      My rule is never audition for the approval of people who don’t seem inclined to give it to you. It won’t work and will make you feel lousy. I’m not really understanding why you can’t fill your cup with the altos before/after – surely when you’re actually lined up and singing, you aren’t socializing anyway, right? Also, that other quite soprano is your target. Be friendly and warm and welcoming to her and it will pay off in dividends, rather than wasting that energy on people who aren’t feeling friendly.

      1. To Choir or Not to Choir?*

        Thank you for reading my tome!

        The camaraderie among the other sopranos is just so evident that I would like to have it / feel it myself during the rehearsals. While we’re definitely singing when we’re supposed to be, there is a fair bit of socializing going on as we work through parts, or another section of the choir is being focused on, etc. – and not just in my section, but in all of them – whereas I’m just behind it all, as it were, next to the quiet lady.

        And the quiet soprano _is_ cool, but I would be very surprised if she stays for another term / in my section.

        1. Samwise*

          Mmm, it’s like a friend I had in high school. A very nice girl, we were good friends but she really really wanted to be part of the Popular Girl group. Some of them were nice on their own, but as a group… they were cruel to my friend (she was plain and couldn’t afford the in clothes and, making it worse, she was so obviously desperate for their approval).

          Why do you want to be part of the mean girl sopranos? What do you have in common with them, besides singing the same part and standing in the same area? They don’t have to be buddies with you, but they could be warmer and welcoming — and they’re not. They aren’t very nice people, are they?

          Why are you discounting the nice girl altos? Hang with them before and after practice.

          Life’s too short to chase after unworthy people.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Nothing wrong with joining a music group for the camaraderie!

      This happened in the clarinets in a music group I and my buddy were part of. The first clarinets were kind of elitist “you can’t play with us” types. My buddy eventually decided that even though she had the musical ability to play first clarinet, she was overall a lot happier playing and hanging out with the third clarinets, who were much nicer. And then, she started trying out playing new instruments and made friends in other sections as well. I found a good home in the third group of my instrument — less pressure, and lots of goofiness — so I too didn’t want to play at a higher level in the group, even though I could probably have swung playing second.

      I know it’s harder to switch your voice than it is to switch an instrument, but if you have the range, could you sing with the altos? Or are there some second sopranos you could join who are a little more chill than the first sopranos?

      1. To Choir or Not to Choir?*

        Heh, maybe it _is_ a first thing! Looking at it this way, those clarinetists sounded like they were threatened by others who were just as good if not better.

        I do love singing first. I want to keep on with the high notes while I still can. So I don’t want to switch – but this was very insightful, thank you. I may just have to do crafty infiltration – or as another commenter said, not waste time trying to get “approved” and just keep on where I am.

        1. Cadillac*

          I second the idea to try joining the altos for a term and see! I was a semi-professional high coloratura and sing alto in my local choir now. The parts are more interesting anyway, you might like it!

    4. Owned by cats*

      I’m on an adult recreational sports team and not someone that thrives in group settings most of the time. It took at least a full year to feel like it was MY team and they were MY teammates, and even then I’m not friends with everyone. It just takes a while to integrate into a big group of people. Age differences can feel odd but are surmountable. I’m one of the youngest on my team and one of just a few in her 20s. Now it’s very rewarding to be part of this team and I can walk into a room with 50 of them and feel completely at ease. It’s possible that this just isn’t your team, and it’s possible you just need more time. Good luck!

      1. To Choir or Not to Choir?*

        Thanks! I guess I am more tempted now to try out the next term to give it more time, especially as the vibe sounds like it’ll be different as well.

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Seconding that age differences are surmountable. While it took some time, I made lots of friends of all ages in my music group. It was really cool — kind of like getting a whole new family, eventually!

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Waving hi from the alto section of a non-audition community choir! We’ve always done one or two social events each semester outside of rehearsal times, which meant that some people couldn’t ever get there and that folks tended to hang with the people they already knew. Our new-ish (just over two years) artistic director started doing more commuity-building during rehearsal. Sometimes he takes ten minutes to have us walk across the room and talk to someone we don’t know. We now have an annual retreat which includes a rehearsal and a bunch of games and lunch – it’s a Saturday, so not everyone can make it but we get about 70% attendance. We also have an annual pre-rehearsal potluck organized to make sure the food is well-distributed and includes dairy-free, veggie, and gluten-free offerings. Does your choir do anything like that? Are you up for offering to organize something? I wouldn’t suggest or request this if you don’t want to participate, because leaders of a volunteer organization always have their hands full.

      On your own, can you go early and chat with the altos? Or tenors or basses, for that matter?

      And all that said if you think it would be a relief to quit, you can quit. For some people the music is enough. For me, the music is necessary but not sufficient – I also want community.

      1. To Choir or Not to Choir?*

        So far we’ve had a small fundraiser (an equivalent to selling candy bars via a sheet), but as yet I’ve only heard a throwaway sentence about “picnics and potlucks” which I assume will be next term.

        I do try to show up early – but yes, I could hang back with the altos / tenors / basses a bit longer before wending my way to my nosebleed seat. :D

    6. Snacattack*

      I’d stick it out, as others have suggested; just because an accident of vocal range has placed you among the sop 1s doesn’t mean you have to hang with them and no one else.

      How many first sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Five. One to change the bulb and the other four to kick the chair out from under her.

      2. Sparkly Librarian*

        How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

        Two. One to hold the Diet Coke, and one to tell the accompanist to do it.

      4. StarryStarryNight*

        How many sopranos does it take to change light bulb?

        One. She just holds the bulb up, an the world revolves around her.

        How many altos does it take to change light bulb?

        All of them – one to change the bulb, and the rest to say “this is really quite high for an alto”.

      5. To Choir or Not to Choir?*

        This ensuing thread is marvelous. Thank you for that.

        Incidentally – I found a whole sarcastic group of choir folks:
        Facebook (forward slash) groups (forward slash) thepretendchoirgroup

    7. Singing*

      In my last choir, I sat between two very nice women and by the end of the year had made pleasant chat all year and still wasn’t sure of one of their names. (She wasn’t sure of mine either!) The next year we talked more and eventually she and I hung out a few times outside choir (including a 1:1 dinner before a concert I’d been given free tickets to) and within a year or two she was one of my best friends. Eleven years after our first meeting I was her MOH. It definitely takes time! And I can say as a sop2 who was an alto till sophomore year of high school… altos are pretty great. :)

      1. To Choir or Not to Choir?*

        That is so cool how you found such a great person for a friend.

        I’ve made a concerted effort just tonight to match names with faces via Facebook! It made me feel a bit better, like I can face next week’s rehearsal with more confidence, somehow.

    8. Happily Retired*

      I’m in an auditioned community chorus (and an alto!) Does your group have a Board or at least volunteer positions? If so, my first thought is for you to talk to your membership person and lay it out, because they probably would like to know that the group is about to lose two firsts because of the current situation. (Assuming that she’s not an S1, of course!) And then my second thought would be to volunteer to help one in one of these positions. (Any altos with titles?) Large community groups need – and welcome – helping hands!

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      “…and yet I actually get along better with the altos, who are warm and friendly no matter what age they are; too bad they sit way on the other side of the room.”

      As an alto, may I just confirm this to be true? We usually get the boring, four note parts, so we make our own fun.

      1. Happily Retired*

        +1 A third or fourth below on Christmas carols, always. I like to sing the alto line of ‘Silent Night’ a cappella to annoy people.

        A fellow alto commented that we are pragmatic, because we are generally tasked with setting the harmonies and keeping the meter (b/c God knows, the tenors are busy belting, and the basses are lost.) Pragmatic people are focused on Getting the Job Done, and have no time to be drama llamas.

        Three ‘Messiahs’ down so far; two to go; plus some rando Hallelujah Chorus flash mobs. I’m eating prednisone like candy. But Handel seems to have loved altos, and so I’m loving him back.

  32. Lilo*

    Anyone have tips for dealing with cat weight when you have two cats? I have an adult cat and a six month old kitten (though the kitten is as tall/long as the adult cat. The adult cat has been sneaking kitten food and getting pretty chubby. I’ve tried feeding them in separate rooms but the kitten gets distressed over being shut away from the adult cat (who she’s bonded with) and doesn’t really eat when I try that. I’ve put the kitten food on a narrow shelf the adult cat can’t fit on, but the kitten is getting large. Neither of them is protective of their bowls.

    1. Owned by cats*

      I have two adult cats, one of which is a scarf-and-barfer and is on a prescription diet and mustn’t eat the other cat’s food. The other one is skittish and won’t eat if he’s closed into a room, and is on a special but non-prescription diet. They also both got a bit overweight. I feed them at the same time, twice a day, on opposite sides of the same room and then I monitor them as they eat to ensure there is no exchanging of food, as they would share freely if I let them. At first, there was a lot of correcting involved and I needed to stand there the whole mealtime. They have each learned their spots for eating and what their bowls look like (barfer has a slow feeder) and they know they are not supposed to switch. (But I still need to keep an eye out.)

      1. Lilo*

        Yeah the problem is both of them are graze feeders, they don’t eat all their food at once. Given my previous cat (died at a ripe old age) would eat too fast and barf I don’t necessarily want to make them change that.

      2. I didn't say banana*

        Is it possible to feed adult cat first, then kitten, so adult cat is not as hungry? I’ve seen door stoppers that allow you to hold a door open to a specific width, they’re designed to keep dogs away from cats’ food but I wonder if you’re adult cat is bigger enough that it might work (so your kitten is not locked away from them but the adult cat can’t enter the room).

        1. carcinization*

          Not the person who posted the question, but my adult cat wants my kitten’s food even when he’s just finished his own food. I don’t really have any suggestions though because I’ve always fed my cats in separate rooms.

    2. Time for Tea*

      Have a look at microchip cat feeders, they only open in response to the microchip being in range to make them specific for each cat. Otherwise only feed when you/someone can supervise them if that fits in to your day?

      1. Clara Bowe*

        +1 I have spent roughly $1K on microchip feeders over the last six years and it is the only thing to keep peace in my house. (My girl breaks them because they have to be high up so the other girl doesn’t bully her way in from the back.) they are much cheaper than they have been before (Surefeed is only $200 right now, I express deliveries one when it was $320 because -necessary-) and worth the money. I also chunked out for the stainless steel bowls because my girl gets cat acne with the plastic ones.

    3. Double A*

      Microchip feeder. Best $200 I ever spent on something I’d never in a million years think I’d spend that much money on.

    4. Figgie*

      My spouse made a kitten feeding station. He cut an opening in the short side of a rectangular clear plastic tub. The opening was big enough for the kitten, but too small for our big orange cat. He put the kitten food at the far end of the crate so that the orange cat couldn’t reach in and hook the bowl with his paw and pull it toward him. He also stuck a heavy concrete block on top of the tub to prevent the orange guy from tipping it over to get at the food.

      It took the fat cat a little while to figure out there was no way for him to get in at the food, but he finally gave up lying on his side and stretching his paw inside while trying desperately to get to the kitten’s food dish. :-)

    5. Cat and dog fosterer*

      The microchip feeders became really expensive a few years ago yet are very effective in these situations.

      I’d also suggest switching to an adult food at 6 months so they both eat the same thing.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Just a cautionary note about microchip feeders: they can work quite well, but I found to my cost ($200 worth of cost!) that my big ginger cat could figure out how to muscle the food-cover flap open. (He’s strong, clever, AND highly food-motivated, so… yeah.) Short of that level of persistence, the gadget worked as advertised, and my other cats learned to use it pretty quickly despite the initial startlement at having it open and shut as they drew near and moved away. But it was supposed to protect their food from my big hoover-cat, and he neatly scuttled that plan!

  33. Purple People Pleaser*

    I feel like I’m in a difficult place in my life. Things aren’t going well for me at work and I’m stressed out all the time, but every one of my friends is also in a crisis and leans heavily on me for support. I’m exhausted and drained. My friends will do things like mention they did not arrange any petcare for their pets and are leaving for five days, so can I go over, or hint that they could really use someone to set up a meal train with their new baby, or call me in tears after a fight with their husband needing to be soothed and comforted for an hour or more. I just feel like an empty cup right now. I don’t want to drive over to my friends’ house on Saturday and spend the whole day with her crotchety baby, but I also hate to let people down knowing they are struggling. Selfishly, I just feel like huddling up on the couch by myself. I realized matters had come to a head when I lied to everyone that I was sick so they’d leave me alone. These are my friends! I’m not sick! I think I need some better scripts that are loving and supportive but still basically rejecting their request for care/attention/support, even while I do still care about them. I’m not sure how I got myself into this state, either. Thoughts?

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’m going to suggest what I suggested to the person who was getting guilted over missing Thanksgiving above — Captain Awkward has a lot of great scripts for setting boundaries with people who are being unreasonable.

      Are these people actually friends, or are they people who are using you for what you can do for them? I think it’s okay to be honest and say (like with the people who neglected to set up pet care and then want to dump it on you), “I’m sorry — that won’t work for me.” If they honor your boundary, that’s great. If they keep pushing after you say no, then they’re not actually being good friends to you.

      Likewise, if you can (and want to) do a little of what they want, you can set that boundary — “I’m not up to setting up a meal train for you, but I’ll pick you up a Stouffer’s lasagna at the store and drop it off tonight.”

      For the friend who needs to talk for an hour after a marital fight when you’re not up to it, it’s okay to call them back the next day (or when you’re actually able to give them the emotional energy to listen to their marital woes). Your friend’s feeling upset does not trigger a command performance of Purple People Pleaser, soothing amateur therapist. Unless your friend is in physical danger from their husband (in which case, yes, please do help asap), you can wait to call back (which can hopefully make you a lot less resentful when you do call back).

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I think a big question to ask oneself is “how much of this crisis is from outside forces and how much from not planning?”

        For the petsitting, I would file it firmly in the latter category, for instance. I presume Friend was aware they had pets that needed care and enough time to organize said care. Same for the meal train. If you need one of those, the time to ask for it is ideally before giving birth, not after.

        Now naturally there are exceptions: arranged care can fall through, recovery post birth may be fifty times worse than you thought and your partner suddenly got their hours switched–life happens! But those exceptions don’t sound like what’s going on here. And if you have to fake illness just to not have constant requests piled on “good ol’ Purple’s plate,” something has to change before you lose it.

        You don’t owe people constant catered/free services because they’re your friends. It’s certainly part of being a friend, but you shouldn’t have to be an unpaid servant out of fear that one “no” will drive them away.

    2. Workerbee*

      So it sounds like all of you are in some stages of crisis – but that some of your friends’s crises are of their own doing. (Like, what kind of asshole doesn’t pre-arrange care for a living being who is completely dependent on them for continuation of that living?)

      That aside, for the time being, allow yourself to say things like:
      “That sounds awful. I’m sorry I can’t help.”
      “I’m maxed out right now, but I feel for you!”

      And then do not engage further. Let the silence swell. Let their disappointment wash over you. If they actually care enough to ask what’s going on with you, then hey, maybe it’s your turn to talk their ears off about your own needs.

      Or just keep saying you’re sick and under doctor’s orders to lie low. (Which isn’t untrue – exhaustion feels like a sickness, plus you’re sick of being dumped on, and I am now an internet doctor. :P)

      For the coy hinters among your friends, don’t step further into that conversation, don’t speak the hint out loud for them, don’t clarify it. Say congrats for the new baby. Say they must be proud parents. If they push forward and actually say what they want you to do for them out loud, then revert to “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to organize that. I bet if you posted about it on Facebook (or wherever), someone will know what to do.”

      For the aforementioned “We don’t need to spend time & money on locking in care for our allegedly beloved pets, Purple People Pleaser will do it even if we call at midnight from another state and tell her where to find the key!” types – I personally would rip them a new one and drop them from my life.

      Also – it’s okay NOT to answer the phone / the text / the message / the video call. If Friend Who I Care About But Who Drains My Will to Live flashes up on the screen, I let myself groan and I also let myself not respond.

      1. Purple People Pleaser**

        I guess I feel most of the time, their crisis tops mine – a new baby, for example, is a once-in-a-lifetime “it takes a village” five alarm fire of need for support, while my work drama is ongoing and endless and lower-level. Do I really want to fail to show up for them right now because I am a little tired, thus reversing a decade of friendship right when they need me most? Knowing how unsupported parents are, and how hard it is for the women (my friend)? The pet thing is a problem I agree, that’s a different friend with a mental health issue, but I end up feeling like I can’t let the pet suffer, or our other people-pleasing friend who will end up driving even further than I will to do it if I don’t.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          You can’t set yourself on fire to keep them from setting your other friend on fire. You gotta take care of you, and let the farther friend deal with last minute requests in a way that works for them. If y’all keep picking up this person’s slack every time they say jump, of course it won’t change. Why would it? They’re getting what they need out of it. If they realize that they left town without making appropriate arrangements, and you rescue them every time, then you have taught them to expect you to rescue them. If you stop rescuing them, they will stop expecting you to rescue them. Whether that means they find another sucker or actually start doing the responsible thing… not really your problem.

        2. WellRed*

          A new baby isn’t a crisis and it’s hardly a surprise. Do these people not have spouses/family/other friends/uber eats? The pets will not suffer because presumably your friends will find another solution that isn’t you (or they shouldn’t have pets). I also encourage you not to catastrophise any if this. If you decline to set up a meal train (seriously, who asks for that?!) it isn’t reversing a decade of friendship! It’s taking care of you. Otherwise they aren’t really friends.

          2. pocket microscope*

            Yeah I have had newborns, and it is HARD, but also we just ordered grocery deliveries with a lot of ready meals we could heat in the microwave, and we ate a lot of toast. Is it amazingly lovely when people rally round to support you when you’re crazed with exhaustion? Of course. Is it critically necessary to be fed by friends during such a time? No! They’ll be fine.

            1. KateM*

              With my third and fourth, I filled our freezer with ready meals beforehand, so my older kids even got homemade meals. I am really surprised to hear, too, that a baby would be a crisis, unless there was something seriously wrong with either baby’s or mother’s health.

        3. Unkempt Flatware*

          Oh you should try to undo that thinking. No one’s crises are more important than yours. You are number one—always. Always look out for number one. You can’t help others at all if you don’t.

        4. stripey giraffe*

          a new baby, for example, is a once-in-a-lifetime “it takes a village” five alarm fire of need for support

          No, no it’s not. A *first* baby is a once-in-a-lifetime, but unless the circumstances are super unusual, they’ve had the better part of a year to prepare! I don’t disagree with taking a village to raise a child, but if you’re friends, I’d take that to mean taking a couple of hours to read/walk with/watch movies with the kid, once they are old enough, on an on-going basis. The village, is just being a steady non-parent presence in the kid’s life. Not spending afternoons with a colicky baby who won’t remember you.

          1. Clisby*

            Yeah, really. When our 2 kids were born, we did have neighbors and friends who helped out but wasn’t a “five-alarm fire.” It was more like “Hey can I drop off a pan of lasagna?” kind of thing. I guess a new baby could amount to a five-alarm fire if the kid had serious health problems or something, but even then I wouldn’t *expect* neighbors and friends to step in. When I was in the hospital for my second birth, one amazing neighbor offered to pick up our daughter after school and have her spend the night at her house, which was a great favor – but she offered, we would never have dreamed of asking. We were figuring my husband would have to leave the hospital to look after our daughter, and instead he could stay with me and our son.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            And also, Purple, YOU would be part of this village and thus just as entitled to ask for help as to give it! Unfortunately, I find a lot of “village” types can actually mean something closer to “I need you to do XYZ for free while never reciprocating.”

        5. Ellis Bell*

          I think your standards here are fairly warped against your own interests. It’s not a competition of needs, you’re not selfish if you decline a friends offer to support them, or request, and you’re not failing anyone! This is a friendship, not a job. I can’t tell from your post if your friends just simply don’t know that you’re a person with needs or if you’re just very, very bad at saying no. Do you really feel like you have to provide justifications before you let people go ahead and get on with their own responsibilities? It’s okay to offer help, and an ear, to friends when you have extra time and energy, but good grief, you’re not an indentured servant. “Thanks for thinking of me, but I need to stay home and be low key/ I need some time to recharge right now. Good luck with the thing, I’ll see you soon”.

        6. ReallyBadPerson*

          But you’re not their only friend, right? Do they just call on you because you are most likely to respond to their needs?

        7. Honoria Lucasta*

          I applaud your level of care for your community! It sounds like you’re working really hard to contribute to creating a group of friends who all look out for each other. It’s totally fair, though, to be the person who needs help rather than the helper at all times, and it might help cut down on the requests for help if you asked for help yourself at some point? Sort of as a signal that “hey, I’m a struggling person here too.” They might get a little miffed, like “I have a new baby and she’s asking ME to help HER” but that in itself might chill things out a bit to where she doesn’t call you so much? I’m totally spitballing here, and these aren’t polished ideas — as my grandmother would say, “it’s just something to think about.”

        8. nnn*

          Kindly, your thinking sounds really warped here. You’re rejecting the practical solutions people here can offer, which means if you want to fix this it’s something to bring to therapy.

        9. Workerbee*

          Kindly –
          You stated unequivocally that you are “exhausted and drained.”
          That you “feel like an empty cup.”
          That you are “stressed out all the time.”
          That you felt you had to lie to “everyone” and say you were sick so they’d leave you alone.

          And, most chillingly, that you think it’s selfish to take care of your own needs.

          That is not “a little tired.”

          Please read over what you wrote in your original post. That is a huge cry for help from yourself, to yourself, in those words you let out.

          And I see you try to walk it all back in your comments to people trying to tell you that YES, yes, you can take care of yourself FIRST. That it’s okay. That the world won’t end. And good friendships won’t end either.

        10. goddessoftransitory*

          But how unsupported is she? There’s a world of difference between a single mother with no nearby family/friend network and someone who has a partner and dedicated group (note I said GROUP there, not just one person.)

          Just because you aren’t having a baby doesn’t mean your life doesn’t matter. Your exhaustion, your worry, your stress count; this is your life they’re affecting.

          The sentence to repeat to yourself is “All I can do is all I can do.” You can’t take care of somebody’s pets last minute (or if you do, you are charging money for the service.) You can’t organize a meal train. Maybe you can go over and walk the dog once on the weekend or bring by one meal. You don’t owe anyone every last shred of your energy no matter what’s going on.

    3. Hlao-roo*

      Here are some scripts you can use:

      Friend: “I’m leaving for Florida tomorrow and won’t be back until the 28th. I forgot to hire a dog-sitter, but you can stop by and walk Fluffy three times a day, right?”
      You: “Oh, I’m sorry but I’m really busy with work and life stuff these days so I won’t be able to watch Fluffy. I hope you find someone else! [subject change or end phone call/text convo]”

      Friend: “I never imagined having a baby would be this much work; I don’t have time to cook anymore! It would be so great if someone could set up a meal train for us to get through these next few weeks *hint hint*”
      You: “Yeah, I bet a meal train would be helpful. Unfortunately, I am so stressed about running this work project I can’t take on any more organizational tasks. If you find anyone else willing to organize, let them know I’m willing to cook a meal or two*.”
      *only offer to cook if this won’t add too much to your plate! If that would also be too much stress, say something along the lines of “I’d love to help but I’ve barely been able to cook for myself these days.”

      Friend: “My husband and I just got into the most awful fight! [details and emotions here].”
      You: [ten minutes or so of soothing and comforting] “I know you and [husband] are in a bad place right now, but I need to [go to bed/walk my goldfish/etc.] right now. I’m sorry I can’t talk more tonight, but I’ll call you to check in [tomorrow/next week/whatever you can realistically handle].”

      Also, separately from these “I’m in a crisis right now” conversations, you can let your friends know that you’re really stressed about work! It’s not clear from your comment if you’ve mentioned that at all to your friends. If you already have, that’s good and you can reference that when explaining why you’re not in a place to give endless pet-watching/meals/emotional soothing/etc. If you have not, please do so your friends know you’re unable to give as much support/in need of some support yourself.

      1. Purple People Pleaser**

        Part of my issue is, I can NOT imagine trying to raise “my stuff” to anyone and directly asking for help. That seems terrifying and also wrong. I mean, I’ll do some minor grumbling with others who are also venting but I guess I’ve internalized the message that I’m supposed to be The Strong One who deals with their own sh*t, I mean, at least until a “true” crisis like a death in the family or a terrible diagnosis or something. And when I am sad, it’s very much my instinct to withdraw and sleep it off (couch time) not expect anyone else to fix it.

        1. Rosyglasses*

          I would gently ask whether you’ve considered if this is something that could use the help of a trained professional to guide you to tools and mindsets to help you maintain those boundaries for yourself. I found over time that I’ve had internalized messages (whether from growing up, or what I absorbed from society or what I *thought* someone was supposed to do in life as an adult) that it took someone asking me questions and offering a different perspective about life in general to help me shift that mindset.

          As others have said, there is no one assigning out “you must be strong” or “you must be the one dependable and reliable friend in the world – that is your role in life” — it is something you have taken on yourself, and it can be wonderful and beautiful to be strong and helpful to others ; but when your own body and mind and emotional state are tied up in knots because you are no longer nourishing your own self, it is your body and your mind and your emotional self telling you that you need to stop and take a breath and change something.

          I wish you ALL the best in figuring this out – because I’ve been there and I know how hard it is.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Amplifying this ^. And if you feel like therapy is too expensive, there are 12-step programs that can help you find an appropriate balance between helping and caring for others and also helping and caring for yourself. You can try CoDependents Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, Al-Anon . . . .

            There may be specific things that happened in your family of origin or elsewhere, as Rosyglasses says, that made you feel the way you feel about not being able/allowed to express and honor your own needs and about having *always* to put others first. That’s not to say that anyone was intentionally trying to mess up your psyche, but once we get into that pattern, it can be hard to shake off without a little outside assistance. Therapy or the appropriate support group can help!

            And really, you’re going to feel SO much better when you get to a place where you can take care of yourself first and then help your friends. Like Rosyglasses, I have been there myself, and I wish you all the luck!

        2. Harlowe*

          This does not sound like balanced friendships, then. You’re always giving and never taking. Even if you do alienate someone because you need to stop giving…what are you actually losing?

          1. Purple People Pleaser*

            It doesn’t feel that way to me, because what I’m “getting” is the pleasure of friends I love to do things with – I mean, we travel together, socialize out to dinner or a bar or cafe, go see a movie, etc. They’re not always this needy and I’m not always this drained. But I have internalized a lot of “friends show up for each other” stuff, which I don’t think is totally wrong either.

            1. vulturestalker*

              Hey! I’ve been in your shoes, and I had also internalized a lot about the importance of showing up. I agree with the person who suggested talking to a therapist–I didn’t realize how deeply unbalanced my need to jump to my friends’ needs was until I started therapy, and then I got way better about setting boundaries!

              The way I often think about it now is that friends don’t want to make their friends suffer. If I ask a friend for help, I want help, but I would also be horrified if I knew that by helping they were feeling frustrated/exhausted/resentful. Your friends need to be able to trust you to help as much as you can and be honest about your limits, and I think you are actually doing them a disservice by not setting appropriate boundaries. They care about you, so they would want you to take care of yourself, right?

              Good luck. I know how hard it is to get out of this mindset. I think it’s really important to take care of yourself first, and your friends really should not see that as you letting them down. If they do, that’s indicative of a deeper problem in their expectations of you.

            2. WellRed*

              I guess what’s missing here is them showing up for you. Plus, you keep downplaying your own needs. Maybe it’s more balanced in real life than it sounds. Friendships ebb and flow but you still get to put yourself first once in awhile without fear of “reversing a decade of friendship” that’s a very strong statement. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

            3. Rocky*

              I agree that “friends show up for each other,” but if you’re in a difficult place in your own life and completely exhausted and drained, it’s totally fine and not selfish to prioritize your own well being for a while instead of forcing yourself to help and support everyone else.

              If you say you can’t help them when they directly ask or hint for help, and they hold that against you, that’s a problem with them, not you.

            4. Filosofickle*

              The redirect I’d suggest: If “friends show up for each other” is your guiding principle here, wouldn’t your friends want to know you need help so they could be there for you? You don’t want to be a burden and I get that. I don’t like asking either. But if they are good friends, and they sound like it, they would be unhappy to find out you were so tortured and burned out trying to meet all their needs and neglecting your own.

        4. Chauncy Gardener*

          I totally empathize with this feeling. I was the “fixer” in my family of origin and was therefore not allowed to have any needs of my own. It does not have to be this way! And “no” is a complete sentence, although everyone above had much more tactful ways of saying it. lol
          Please don’t be complicit in your own oppression. You need to put your oxygen mask on first and YOU should be your own first priority.
          Good luck!

        5. Ellis Bell*

          When I was a kid, my parents taught me how to speak up when I was worried or stressed and to tell the people around me what was happening so they could tailor their behaviour. I still remember my dad saying “If you don’t tell us what’s wrong, we can’t help. If you don’t even say it out loud, it will seem bigger in your mind than it really is”. I do think this is something that needs to be taught (and it’s never too late to learn!), because we feel vulnerable when we admit our fears and worries. We are admitting we are not perfect. There are some theories that the reasons social media is so bad for mental health is because it’s a forum where everyone is being perfect. In real friendships, it more possible to be … real. Worthwhile people will still like you when they get to know the real you. If they only like what the Strong One can do for them, what’s that worth?

        6. Lexi Vipond*

          I mean, if that’s really what you prefer, it might be ok as far as it goes. I’m a bit like that – I’d mostly rather curl up in a corner and lick my metaphorical wounds than go limping round showing them off and irritating them.

          The problem comes when you start assuming that since YOU would only talk about your problems if they became genuinely unbearable, anyone who talks about any problems must be suffering unbearably, because for a lot of people it’s not like that at all.

          1. Kathenus*

            This second paragraph from Lexi Vipond is really insightful and important – I hope that you see it and it resonates, because seeing things through this lens might be really helpful for you.

          2. Shiny Penny*

            This is huge. People are actually so different with this. It sounds like you currently would only ask explicitly for help if you were bleeding from an artery or your house was literally on fire.
            Your calibration is… very customized!
            Very far to one end of the bell curve!
            Other people express loud dismay in a tone of panic if they drop their pencil and it rolls into the gutter. I mean, ew— sure. But sympathetic words and a brief stint of listening is all they actually… need? deserve? want, maybe?
            You are assuming their house is on fire. Maybe see what happens if you ratchet down, and try responding like nothing is on fire at all, and they just have a little problem they haven’t figured out a solution to yet?

            1. Angstrom*

              And if their house really is on fire? There are professionals trained and equipped to deal with that. There are other resources. It doesn’t have to be all you.

          3. goddessoftransitory*

            I think this is a very, very important point! It’s fine to retreat if that’s how you heal. The problem is assuming anybody asking anything is clearly at the end of their ropes.

        7. Tio*

          You know what?

          Some people love having a really clear way to help others. And that includes helping you.

          If you can give me clear instructions on how to help you – I need $$$, some food, pet sitting, whatever I am happy to help. Much like you! The main difference is I can say no. And so can you! If you have helped these people so much, they will remember that. Not making a meal train for someone is not going to reverse a friendship. Some might get annoyed, maybe, but those will mostly be people who want to contact you when they need something, and are not great friends. (And if we want to go super cynical for a minute? Since you have a history of over giving, they’re probably not going to drop you for skipping out on one ask, or two or three. Because they’ll need again). But plenty of people would love to give back rather than just needing all the time. It makes us feel good.

          1. Despachito*

            This.

            I think that you should work on the feeling “I must always be there for them, and never ask them anything if I need it or else I am a bad friend”.

            Imagine a friend (who had helped you a lot previously) telling you this.

            How would you feel? Would you feel “that’s right, if you don’t help me for the tenth time and ask me something for yourself instead, you are a bad friend, and I will drop you”. Or rather “how could I be so oblivious and not notice that for some time I have only been taking and not giving”?

            If someone really only wants you to help and never offers, they are not a friend.

            Also, don’t be so quick at jumping at hints. Either they are meant as a passive-aggressive way to make you offer, and in such a case I would personally be happy not to offer and watch the person squirm, or they are not, and if you offer, the person may genuinely think that you don’t mind.

            I personally think t