weekend open thread – November 30-December 1, 2024

by Alison Green on November 29, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Trust and Safety, by Laura Blackett and Eve Gleichman. Sick of NYC and searching for a more meaningful life, a couple buy a dilapidated house upstate but find rural living isn’t what Instagram had promised. Meanwhile, their attractive and deeply cool tenants seem to have landed in exactly the life they’d wanted for themselves.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Me too! (Found some of his books recently – also fun, though if one hadn’t seen the show and could “hear” the stories as if told by the cast they might not be as entertaining.)

      2. Clisby*

        I feel like stocking up on the handyman’s secret weapon. That show was great.

        One day, when my now-22-year-old son was maybe 9 or 10, were out in the backyard. He said, “I want to play Handyman’s Corner.” Then he pulled over a dilapidated Radio Flyer wagon, looked me straight in the eye, and said, “Today on Handyman’s Corner, we’re going to turn this wagon into a dining table.”

        I still laugh when I think about it.

        He was a man. He could change. If he had to. I guess.

        1. Clisby*

          Also, from time to time, my husband threatens to buy me a set of socket wrenches. Instead of world peace.

      3. Clisby*

        At least 2 of the actors from the Red Green Show turned up on Murdoch Mysteries, if anyone follows that show.

      5. one of the many librarians*

        Thanks for mentioning this — I had a tedious task to do and 4 episodes of Red Green got me through it!

    2. Peanut Hamper*

      I cleaned out the refrigerator and the freezer, and sanitized the former. (Protip: pull out those crisper drawers. There’s probably a lot of junk under there.)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Pull out all the shelving if you can! (Most new fridges are made with movable shelves.) That way you can wash them in the sink and wipe the shelf holders.

    3. Past Lurker*

      A gingerbread latte from my go-to coffeehouse! Plus I finally found some of my favorite hand lotion for winter. I’ve been looking for several weeks now.

        1. Past Lurker*

          It’s Gold Bond, but I I like the travel size because it fits better in my bag. I couldn’t find the travel size for a while. I got the last 2 left where I found them. I hope they have more in the back of the store for other patrons! I needed to get one for my mom too as she has fragile skin at this point.

          1. allathian*

            What’s the packaging like? Could you buy a larger package and refill the smaller when you run out?

            I do that with shampoo and conditioner, just by pouring from the bigger bottle into the travel size. The stopper can be twisted open.

            I also do the same with my favorite Body Shop body butter, I use a flat wooden thing that looks like a tongue depressor. That keeps the big tub closer to sterile.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I mentioned in the Thanksgiving eve thread that I was hoping to see the Candlelight Processional narrated by Josh Gad – I did this evening, and it was lovely!

    5. Bike Walk Barb*

      Hearing a great horned owl on a walk with a friend in the big forested park near my house! And another one answered it. When we were farther in we heard a funny sound that turned out to be the owl’s alarm bark–likely because we were standing right underneath the trees it was in. Couldn’t see it, but we heard it!

      3. Bluebell Brenham*

        last year I heard one but couldn’t quite believe my ears, so I used my Merlin app to confirm. I’ve heard it once or twice since then in my neighborhood.

        1. Bike Walk Barb*

          I used Merlin too. It was late afternoon and we were surprised to hear it calling. That big park also has barred owls but we knew this one wasn’t saying “who cooks for you”.

    7. Tangerina Warbleworth*

      Today is my wedding anniversary! And it’s extra special because this year is the same as the year we got married, i.e., we were married the Friday after Thanksgiving! It was wonderful. Everybody had the day off anyway; and both my family and my husband’s family are the kind of people who don’t want to go near a shopping mall on Black Friday, so we basically gave everyone something fun to do. We had an eleven a.m. rehearsal, a nice lunch, four o’clock wedding and six o’clock dinner, with cake and dancing. Everyone was able to book a room at the hotel where we had the dinner dance, which was a grand old place refurbished by a lovely older couple who knew my parents (who I”m pretty sure gave my parents a huge break on the cost). The hotel burned to the ground ten years ago, but me and Mr. Warbleworth and I are still going!

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      I finally have my own spotting scope after envying others for theirs. I found an excellent Nikon scope that’s only about a pound and fits in a daypack. Today I took it with my tripod on a birding trip and wow, what a difference! It felt good to share it with others, offering passersby a chance to look through it as people have done for me over the years. It’s going with me on my car-based trips from now on. With the tripod it’s light enough that I’m going to try carrying in on a local bird walk of a couple miles.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Whoa! Congrats on the scope! Can you please tell me which one you got? I’ve been wanting one, but the ones I’ve seen are so heavy. TIA!!

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Sure. It’s the Nikon Fieldscope 13-30×50. It has lots of positive reviews online and it’s cheaper than the bigger scopes. Nikon has amazing customer service even if you don’t order directly from them. As an example, I sent my 20-year old binoculars to Nikon for cleaning and refurbishing and all they charged me was the cost of shipping.

          Using it for the first time in the last few days, it’s an enormous improvement over binoculars for skittish birds you can’t get close to. In my case, that was sandhill cranes and tundra swans. I stared at them for long periods because it was so much easier to get a good view. I could also see all the details of a bald eagle’s activities at its distant nest. Rather than just being a blob in the distance, I could see each mouthful as it tossed aside a wad of feathers from the duck it had caught.

          The Fieldscope offers both straight and angled options, and it’s way more affordable than most scopes.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Do you have to take a picture of the bird to count having seen it? I would like to get into birding but I don’t know the rules.

            1. Chauncy Gardener*

              I’m not a “competitive” birder, so I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think so. To me, if you see it, you’ve SEEN it!
              You’re in the Boston area now, right? Check out the Parker River Wildlife Refuge, the Joppa Flats Mass Audubon building, and the Merrimack River in Newburyport if you want to see some good birds (bald eagles, snowy owls, ravens, etc). Parker River has some cool tours to help you get started as well.
              Hope you have fun!

            2. WoodswomanWrites*

              If you like looking at birds, then you’re already a birder so you’re all set there!

              I second Chauncy Gardener’s recommendation to join an outing. Pretty much anywhere in a metropolitan area has free walks offered by the local Audubon chapter or something comparable. Going out with a guide was invaluable for me, not only for learning the birds but knowing where to go. My annual winter treks to the refuges in my state originated with joining a guide. Now I know where to go on my own.

              The range of styles for birding is broad. Some people keep official lists as a way to track how many species they’ve seen, and I don’t know what the rules are for that if you’re formally sharing your totals with others. You may have heard of The Big Year, a nonfiction book (excellent) and very fictional movie (disappointing) about three people who independently competed to see the largest number of birds in a calendar year. There’s no official prize for such things, it’s just honored in the birding world.

              For myself, I track the birds I’ve seen by writing a note in my Sibley’s Guide to Western Birds, which I’ve been using for decades. I like to record where and when I’ve seen it so that years later I can look for it when planning my travels. Others keep a list for every trip they do.

              Two digital tools that are hugely helpful when you’re looking for spots to see birds are eBird and iNaturalist. People record their observations there and you can find hotspots near you by looking at the maps and seeing where there are many sightings. Sadly, these sites also show when a species has vanished by the lack of recent observations. (The burrowing owl is a species of special concern here due to to dwindling habitat. I’m still sad about the colony adjacent to a farmer’s field for many years. One year they decided to run their machinery a few feet over, and that was the end of the burrows.)

              Keep us posted on how things go!

    9. BellaStella*

      This community added joy for me to a challenging week! Plus I have a new wool hat and have broken out the hot water bottle for use under blankets for my kitty who loves it! And seeing friends for drinks and birds at my bird feeders!

      1. Corporate Refugee*

        Yes!!!

        This community is wonderful!

        We had a great Thanksgiving holiday.

        We saw a good friend from out of town to be here for HIS family.

        And we got to host all the kids and grandkiddies for Thanksgiving Day!

    10. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Another slice of pecan pie from the favourite bakery that only stocks it two weeks a year. Plus, my office had its annual Christmas book sale, which is usually hit-and-miss, but this time I found two (TWO!) books straight from my to-read list.

    11. Bookgarden*

      I called my Dad today and he told me he had an accomplishment that he was incredibly proud of and just had to share. He managed to finish an entire tube of chapstick without losing it or running it through the laundry. I had a difficult week and this gave me a much needed laugh, not to mention it really was pretty impressive!

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Seeing my 14mo rescue pup carouse in the snow! I was told Wheaten Terriers love snow but this was even more joy than I expected.

    13. Zephy*

      As a former Weird Little Girl, I’m so proud of the Weird Little Girl my ~6yo niece is becoming. That branch of the family lives across the country, so it was nice getting to hang out with them for a little bit this week.

    14. Teapot Translator*

      I delivered advent calendars to my family (adults and children). They’re wrapped and I told them they have to wait until Sunday to open them.

      1. Tangerina Warbleworth*

        I LOVE Advent calendars, what a nice gift. I got the Bonne Maman one this year and I am STOKED.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        I have done that for the last two years! I like that it checks off some of my gift giving early as well. Last year I started making a homemade Sundays of Advent gift routine for my elderly mom who lives three hours away – it was a way to spend the month and Christmas with her.

    16. Chauncy Gardener*

      A lovely fire in the wood stove insert, so when we come in from the cold outside, it’s the BEST place to lounge.
      Plus hearing barred and great horned owls calling all night last night!

    17. Girasol*

      I tried a complicated pecan pie recipe from New York Times. I had never blind baked a crust or browned butter before, but the smell of maple syrup reducing in browned butter made the house smell heavenly and the pie was delicious.

    19. goddessoftransitory*

      The reopening of Notre Dame. The exterior’s still being worked on, but the interior is finished, with a new spire and absolutely dazzling restoration. This really was news that gave me some hope in these dark days.

      1. RLC*

        The photographs I’ve seen of the restoration are absolutely breathtaking! As a bit of an architecture geek I wept when I saw the post fire photos in 2019 then cried again at the beauty of the restoration now. The stories of the craftspeople, artisans, construction workers, scientists, and so many others collaborating to bring it back to life give me hope for the world.

        1. Catagorical*

          There’s some great pbs shows on the restoration. All the old crafting skills, and the crews cleaning the ash away in hazmat gear. (Lead dust)

    20. GoryDetails*

      A minor one, but joyful in a cuddly way: being able to web-browse while resting my wrists on one of my cats, snoozing happily in my lap.

    22. StrayMom*

      Finding Binx, the ninja cat. We were afraid that he had escaped to the great outdoors ahead of a predicted fierce snowstorm. We were looking everywhere, calling for him, leaving treats, checking the barn. No sign of him. I finally went back outside to check for his paw prints in the coating of snow we’d received, when I saw the rascal looking curiously up at me when I came back inside. He’s darned lucky he’s cute!

    23. Valancy Stirling*

      I went out for drinks with coworkers after the fourth event this week. We survived! I also watched my first Christmas movie of the season.

    24. Elizabeth West*

      I have two:
      1. Watching The Lord of the Rings extended edition. I started with FOTR on Thursday, TTT on Friday, and ROTK last night. I hadn’t seen it in a while, and the film (it’s not a trilogy — it’s one film in three parts, like the book) still holds up and always will. The ensemble cast was seamless, and the score is an absolute masterpiece. <3

      Even better, several years ago, I managed to watch the whole thing in one day. Nerd achievement unlocked! \0/

      2. My mermaid pillow makes little sparkly reflections on the ceiling when the sun hits it. I'm enjoying them now from the sofa as I recover from Shingles Vax #1. :)

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        Yay! I do an annual LoTR extended edition marathon but it’s a definitely a lot! They do hold up, and the soundtrack will always be some of my favourite music. (The soundtrack for new Rings of Power show is also very good!)

      2. allathian*

        I love the extended editions. I used to watch them about once a year, but next time will probably be about two years from now, to celebrate the 25th anniversary of FotR.

        How was your shingles vax? I was so sick when I got mine, including a fever of 40 C/104 F for a few hours.

    25. MikeM_inMD*

      I got to hold and play with grandchild number 3. I also got to read to grandchild number 2 while she sat in my lap, and chat with grandchild number 1 about what he is learning in kindergarten. It was a good Thanksgiving celebration.

  3. Sunflower*

    Looking for suggestions on a plant (most likely fake) to decorate in lieu of a Christmas tree.

    I don’t want a Christmas tree for several reasons. I’m looking for suggestions on types of plants to look at to fulfill this. A Large, leafy, full plant I can put some lights on and ideally hang a few sentimental ornaments. Most importantly, the plant would stay on my floor year round. I don’t even own 1 plant so I’m clueless here but I like the look of banana leaf and Monstera. If you can also suggest where to buy quality fake plants – I’m not 100% opposed to real plants but not sure if I’m ready to commit to a real one just yet.

    1. You can’t overwater a fake plant*

      An artificial ficus would probably fit the bill. Not sure where to buy one

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      I used to have a ficus tree and kept lights on it year round and put ornaments on it during the holidays. I bet you could find a nice fake one!

    4. EA*

      My grandma decorated a (real) ficus tree for years and years. Google says some people call it a weeping fig and that there are fake versions. Looks pretty with lights!

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        I’m 3rding or 4thing a ficus. Structure wise they are better for lights and ornaments than the monstera or the banana leaf

    6. Jules the First*

      Weirdly Ikea is a great source for good fake plants if you have one nearby, although the size and varieties available vary site to site.

    7. Still*

      I’ve seen a big fiddle leaf fig decorated with fairy lights for Christmas, it looked pretty and structurally sound.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Real figs are surprisingly content inside and can be easily trimmed back. Try subreddit r/figs for lots of background.

      And I bet you can find plenty of fig-leaf jokes.

    10. PhyllisB*

      When my sister lived in Hawaii she had a type of palm tree in her house that she decorated with all Hawaiian themed ornaments. It was really cute.

    11. Zephy*

      Target has fake plants. They will be more expensive than you expect. I have a fake fig tree, about 5′, that I bought for my office – I did mean to decorate it this year, thank you for the reminder! My tree was like $100 I think, more than I was expecting to pay, but anything cheaper than that was smaller than I wanted.

    12. Girasol*

      If you’re into lights (I have to have lights in the dark season) there are lighted bare trees, like little bare birches, that you can buy.

      1. Just Here For The Llama Grooming*

        +1 to bare branches. I knew a couple that began that way because no money for tree (they went out in the woods and collected) and kept doing it because it was so lovely.

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      With artificial plants, make sure nothing is flammable if you’re using lights. Most modern Christmas lights are fine, but older ones can get hot!

    16. Mari*

      Costco has quite a few fake tree options that seem well-rated and not too expensive. There’s an olive tree and a ficus online along with some other plants.

    17. Cedrus Libani*

      In my broke post-college days, I lived in a house that had a big houseplant. Around the holidays, it was decorated with empty beer can “ornaments”. It definitely wasn’t a pine, but it was a shrub-type thing that had actual branches.

      It might also work to have a vining or weeping plant on some kind of structure that could support decorations also.

      I’m not sure a plant like monstera would work, though – with such large leaves, how would you hang the decorations so that you can see them?

      Either way, pick something you like, as it will be in your space year round. Also, if you have pets or small children, check the toxicity – some common houseplants are not safe to chew on.

    18. Biology Dropout*

      We don’t have a Christmas tree, but the kids come home with decorations so we have a large rosemary plant that lives outdoors in a pot from May-October and comes inside to get decorated over the winter. Bonus, we get to eat what we trim off and it smells great!

  4. sarah*

    Reading thread! What are you reading?

    I actually finished this weekend’s recommendation, Trust & Safety a couple days ago and wonder if anyone can recommend more in that vein, which is kinda light/funny but doesn’t feel like fluff because it is very well written. I find those two things are easy to find on their own but harder to find within the same book.

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      Two for me this week. Just finished Paul Auster’s mammoth work ‘4-3-2-1’ that imagines 4 simultaneous but very different lives lived by the same person. It’s a bit of a tangle following the 4 lives, but the true cultural & political events described along the way in the 1950s-1970s helped. Greatly enjoyed, but the reviews are mixed. The audiobook is almost 35 hours long.

      For non-fiction, I am greatly appreciating Mark Schatzker’s The Dorito Effect. Do you feel that nothing tastes the way it used to? It doesn’t, and the author explains why and argues the medical & social consequence of blander mass-produced food at the same time that synthetic flavorings are becoming ubiquitous. Fascinating. The reviews in Goodreads add a neat dimension. It’s certainly influencing my grocery list.

    2. goddessoftransitory*

      I’m in the middle of Interior: Chinatown, but have had to call a halt to start blitzing my annual Christmas reading, starting with The Doomsday Book, by Connie Willis. I also try to read a lot of short stories (including ones by Willis,) A Christmas Carol, and poetry. The space between Thanksgiving and Christmas is so short this year I’ll probably won’t have time, though (although I do have until January 6th, Epiphany!)

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        You were the person who had a pre-Halloween reading list too, right? I love the idea of having scheduled yearly times to read old favorites!

          1. PhyllisB*

            I’m doing my Christmas reading, too. Right now I’m reading a book of short stories about Christmas miracles. Similar to Chicken Soup For the Soul books, but more Christian slanted and briefer stories. Ideal for reading before bedtime. I’ve never found a consistent number of Halloween books that aren’t horror, if you will come back in October and make some recommendations for us.

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              Oh, absolutely! I’m not much of a hard core horror novel person myself–I prefer spooky.

            2. Pam Adams*

              much of Neil Gaiman would work. The Graveyard Book and Coraline are apooky- if not strictly Halloween.

      2. Bluebell Brenham*

        I’ll probably re-read Interior Chinatown after finishing the Hulu series. I read it pre-Covid so have forgotten details. Jimmy Yang and Ronnie Cheng are great in the series.

      3. Nervous Nellie*

        Wait, there’s a BOOK? I’ve watched the trailer for Interior Chinatown on YouTube several times and so want to stream it. It looks fantastic! Yippee!! Thank you for this. Ordered at the library.

      4. Full of Woe*

        I try to read the Connie Willis short stories every December, too. (Newsletter and Epiphany are my favorites.) I only read Doomsday Book every two or three years.

        Another Christmas short story I like is “If Dragon’s Mass Eve Be Cold and Clear” by Ken Scholes.

        And for Jodi Taylor fans, it’s always fun to reread her Christmas short stories.

          1. Full of Woe*

            Another one I really like, and that I can’t remember the title of, is the one with the divorced dad who works in a bookstore and is sad about not being with his little girl for Christmas.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Rereading The Adventures of Amina Al Sirafi, a rip-roaring tale set on the Arabian Sea about 1000 years ago. Monsters, maps, pirates, smugglers–all over 40, when adventuring with a trick knee isn’t quite what it was in your 20s. But they need to get the old gang back together to pull one last job….

      (I am a sucker for that last line, and this is a really well-executed version.)

      3. Nervous Nellie*

        Ah! That sounds great! Ordered at the library – thanks!

        If you like ‘action/adventure over 40’, and ‘getting the band back together for one last gig,’ you might enjoy Killers of a Certain Age by Deanna Raybourn. Four women who are retired assassins must fight back when their organization arranges to have them executed. It’s fast and funny, and would make a heck of a movie.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Did not finish Edna Ferber’s *Saratoga Trunk*. It was a little stagy for me. I can imagine that it might make a better play or movie than it did a book, and someone here pointed out last week that it was indeed made into a movie.

      Loved Betty MacDonald’s *Anybody Can Do Anything*, about the various jobs she held during the Depression and about her relationship with her larger-than-life sister, who sailed through the Depression with supreme self-confidence. It has some nice slices of family life, and I think people from large families might particularly enjoy this book. Content warning for the rampant sexual harassment women faced in the 1930s. Yikes.

      Dipped into Kiese Laymon’s *How to Kill Yourself and Others in America* collection of essays. I always enjoy his work, which is uniformly thought provoking, but I think I liked his memoir *Heavy* even more.

      1. Pam Adams*

        I read that Betty MacDonald, plus Onions in the Stew, and a biography of her. Interesting! What I haven’t read is The Egg and I.

        1. PhyllisB*

          I have a copy of The Egg and I. Haven’t read it yet but will sometime in the New Year. Every January I make a vow to spend the month reading my own books and staying out of the library. Results vary, but I have good intentions.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          The Egg and I is very funny, but has very stereotypical presentations of Indigenous characters–you really need to be prepared.

          1. PhyllisB*

            I’ve heard that. I read a magazine article about her (can’t remember which magazine) that mentions that.

          2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Yeah, I just started *The Egg and I* yesterday and was quite unpleasantly surprised by that. There’s a negative characterization of Indigenous folks at the beginning of *Anybody Can Do Anything* as well.

            It’s all the more weird and unexpected because in others of her books, it sounds like MacDonald and her family were generally pretty open about being friends with or friendly with most people of other races/ethnicities/religions/sexualities.

            MacDonald’s *The Plague and I* has her getting along well with Japanese and Black fellow patients at a TB sanatorium, and *Anybody Can Do Anything* notes how her sister Mary was at various points engaged to a Christian Scientist and a Jewish man and how their social circle included gay men. MacDonald uses the flower slur for gay men, but seems to have accepted them in their social group happily enough.

            1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

              She is also in several cases quite aware of racism and ageism generally — she talks about how the Japanese students in her shorthand course were absolutely the best but how because they were Japanese, the only jobs they could get would be as housekeepers. Likewise, she talks about how the women over 30 were wasting their time at the course since that was seen as way too old to be hired as an office worker.

              It just makes it all the more disappointing that she seems prejudiced against Indigenous folks — like, she clearly understood what discrimination was and was able to see it elsewhere, so why was she so blind in this area? The edition of *The Egg and I* that I got has a foreword by her daughters, who claim that they think she would write about Indigenous folks very differently today, but maybe that is wishful thinking.

    5. Rara Avis*

      Edith Holler, by Edward Carey. The narrator is a 12-year-old girl who has never left the theater she lives in, in 1901 Norwich. Am interesting voice but not a lot has happened in the first 4 chapters.

    6. word nerd*

      A lot of my read this week were so-so (sorry, Booker Prize winner), but I really enjoyed Highly Irregular: Why Tough, Through, and Dough Don’t Rhyme–And Other Oddities of the English Language by Arika Okrent, a linguist. It’s written in a light, entertaining way (including plentiful funny illustrations) with lots of geniunely interesting info about the history of English and how it got a lot of its quirks.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Wonder if she’s related to Daniel Okrent, who was the first Public Editor for the NYT and invented Rotisserie Baseball, the foundation of fantasy sports league. They both have Wikipedia entries which are silent on the subject of relatives.

        Anyway, the book sounds fascinated and I just added it to my list! Thanks!

      2. PhyllisB*

        I never seem to enjoy books that are considered for the Booker prize or the ones that Oprah recommends. The most depressing book I ever read was The Ten Tribes of Hattie. I may not have that title exactly right but it was not one I enjoyed.
        Maybe I’m not intelligent enough to appreciate these types of books, but at my age I don’t worry about what other people think. I read for enjoyment, and while everything doesn’t have to have a happy ending, I don’t like reading something that fills me with despair, either. This is why I quit reading the Kay Scarpetta novels. They just made me sad at the end.

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          It’s got nothing to do with your intelligence! Preferences are just that. None of us have the time to waste on things we know we won’t like and aren’t requirements for our survival.

        4. Lilo*

          FWIW I almost completed a second major in English Literature (ended up with a minor) and I’m not a fan of most contemporary English Lit. It’s often a race to see what’s most sad. I do like some more modern stuff like McEwan and Ishiguro.

        5. allathian*

          Yeah, I quit reading them too, for the same reason. The way the books blamed all of Scarpetta’s problems on sexism also got tedious. Sure, sexism exists, but constantly complaining about it doesn’t really help. The way the killers were fixated on the pathologist also annoyed me.

          I read for pleasure, and for me that means crime and mystery novels, and I prefer fairly cozy ones. I avoid most Scandinavian authors because their stories are too dark for me.

          I also read a lot of fantasy and science-fiction, both recent and older stuff. I don’t think I’ve ever read any of the books that Alison’s recommended, our preferences clearly don’t match.

          So far, my reading’s been pretty limited to Western, or at least white authors. Sometimes I think that I should branch out and expand my horizons, but it’s so difficult to know where to start. I’m a bit stuck re-reading old favorites at the moment.

    7. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I’m reading Love and Other Conspiracies, about an LA streaming TV producer working with and falling for a cryptic hunter. I’m interviewing the author, Mallory Marlowe, for my XFiles podcast in a few weeks so I had to be sure to read it. Luckily, I find it delightful! It’s a light romcom but has some very real, serious stuff (like the way the main character is coping with the damage from the way her ex treated her).

      I am having a rough November, and I always struggle with the dark this time of year, and this is a really bright, enjoyable read right now.

    8. Summer Vines*

      I’m just about to start Nigger: An Autobiography by Dick Gregory. I really don’t know what to expect but I’m looking forward to giving it a go!

    9. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I just finished Floating Hotel by Grace Curtis. I found it by searching best sci-fi for 2024 (or maybe 2023 since it’s easier to find books that are not new releases at my library.)

      It was billed as a mystery – which it kind of is but not like a traditional mystery. I do recommend it. It was very interesting though it started off slow.

    10. Bluebell Brenham*

      Earlier this week I enjoyed Last Gifts of the Universe by Riley August, even though I’m not a big SciFi reader. Also finished Claire Pooley’s How to Age Disgracefully, which was delightful. She also wrote Iona Iversons Rules for Commuting.

    11. Jackalope*

      I read Three Bags Full by Leonie Swann based on a recommendation from someone in this thread last week and had a lot of fun with it! For those who don’t remember or weren’t here, a shepherd is found murdered and his flock of sheep decide to solve the mystery of who killed him. It was delightful experiencing the story from a sheeply perspective; my favorite was that they thought that clouds are sheep who have died and gone to graze in the sky. And the murderer was a person I didn’t suspect at all, which is always a nice twist!

    12. PhyllisB*

      I read Real Americans this past week, and am reporting my thoughts as promised. I was…underwhelmed. In fact, I gave it a two star rating on Goodreads. I almost abandoned it, but the second part got more interesting and by the end a bit better, but it didn’t really hold my interest. I was disappointed because I had such high hopes for this book.

    13. RussianInTexas*

      Antony Beevor
      The Battle for Spain: The Spanish Civil War 1936-1939
      I know some things about the Spanish Civil War, but not much, just who fought, when, who won, and that many Soviet pilots fought on the republican side. My recent trip to Spain piqued interest.
      It’s a long and detailed book, but pretty accessibly written. As far as dense historic non fiction books go.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Have you read any of Dorothy Parker’s short pieces about the Spanish Civil War? There’s at least a few in The Portable Dorothy Parker.

    14. IT Manager*

      Any readers have recommendations similar to the Grace and Favor mysteries? The author also has a modern series or two that I don’t care for. The Grace and Favor mysteries are just the right amount of historical information to make me feel like I know what it was like to live in that era, but also well written, fun, overall nice people and good motivations. I really miss looking forward to the next adventure.

      This AAM group has been terrific at recommendations I just *love* – latest book I want to go live in is the Thursday Murder Club series – so am hopeful you all will find my next true love ;-)

      Thanks for any ideas!!

      1. Aneurin*

        Set slightly earlier (starting in 1923) and in England rather than the US, but the Daisy Dalrymple cosy mysteries by Carola Dunn might suit? The Honourable Daisy Dalrymple is determined to make an independent living as a writer, despite her aristocratic (not to mention autocratic) mother’s disapproval. In each book she stumbles across a dead body and ends up solving the crime alongside the dishy Chief Inspector Alec Fletcher. The books are quite formulaic (recurring characters are described more or less identically from book to book) but Daisy is a very charming character and I enjoy the historical setting. There are 22 books in the series so if you enjoy them you’re set for a while!

      2. PhyllisB*

        Have you read We Solve Murders yet? I finished that recently and really enjoyed it. He promised the next book would be a Thursday Murder Club title.

        1. IT Manager*

          Yes – very good! Not quite the “please let me be in the gang” feeling but it was a great read too.

    15. SarahKay*

      I’ve just bought the final book in the ‘Face on the Milk Carton’ series by Caroline B Cooney, and am re-reading all the previous books first to refresh my memory. I’m currently halfway through ‘The Voice on the Radio’.
      I read the first three books in the series for the first time many years ago when I was at university and have re-read them a few times since then, including when the fourth book was published. I’ve just now got round to buying the final one, and am enjoying the re-read and looking forward to the last book.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I got the first one at a used book swap in fifth grade and was so obsessed. I still think about it a lot, I think it was my first introduction to the concept of cults and I also remember being really scandalized that she and her boyfriend went to a hotel together lol.

        I just looked it up and I thiiiiink I read What Janie Found once but didn’t own it so I didn’t reread it as much as as the first three… and I didn’t realize another one was published later!

    16. GoryDetails*

      That’s Not All, Folks!, the autobiography of Mel Blanc, man of a thousand voices – quite entertaining.

      Mislaid in Parts Half-Known by Seanan McGuire, in which Antsy – who fled to the school from her own mystical world, one that was FULL of the magical-portal Doors – is targeted by another student when she finds that Antsy could, theoretically, find *any* Door, meaning that the kids who are desperate to return to their magical worlds might be able to do so. It isn’t that simple, though, and Antsy winds up leading the main-character gang on their own quest through a variety of worlds. This one lets us glimpse some of the places only hinted at in previous books, and does go into more depth as to how the Doors might work.

      On audiobook, Pansies by Alexis Hall, narrated by Cornell Collins. This one features a man who’s gone from his blue-collar youth in the north of England to a successful life in London, but who returns home for a friend’s wedding and has a hookup with an attractive stranger – who turns out to be the boy he bullied unmercifully for being gay when they were both in school. Not the most promising way for a couple to meet, and the story doesn’t duck the pain – but it does manage to include some touching attempts at apology and understanding. (Also a hilarious slapstick sequence in which our former bully tries to show off by repairing a broken shower-rod despite his utter lack of actual DIY experience, leading to multiple buckets of lumpy plaster, heaps of which wind up on the floor, and a flood from accidentally drilling into a water pipe…)

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        Thanks for posting about Seanan McGuire. Time for me to circle back to the Wayward Children series. Probably also time to check on whether more October Daye books have come out since whichever one I stopped at.

        Her horror books written as Mira Grant are also great.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The last two books in the October Daye series (#17-18) were the same story in parallel from two different POV, and Seanan McGuire actually just released today on her Patreon a 200 page (novella? I don’t know how PDF pages translate to book pages) that incorporates a third POV. So after reading that, I re-downloaded books 16-18 on my Kindle for another go-round. (And seriously, it impresses me that an author can tell the same story from three POV and still have it be both interesting and edge-of-seat-y throughout all three.)

    17. Angstrom*

      “Rebels at Sea” about privateers in the American revolutionary war. An area of history I knew very little about. I had no idea they were so numerous or so important

    18. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just blew through the four books of the Midlife Magic series by Joan Grey and loved them. (Seriously I read three of them just so far today.) Main character is a middle-aged divorced mom who finds out she has magic abilities. Lots of chosen family and mystery solving, so far no romance.

    20. Mimmy*

      Currently reading Framed: Astonishing True Stories of Wrongful Convictions by John Grisham and Jim McCloskey. We saw a story about this on CBS Sunday Morning a few weeks ago and I was very intrigued. I’m on the third chapter and the stories are really disturbing.

    21. carcinization*

      Went to a local bookstore and they had Tremblay’s The Pallbearer’s Club, which I’ve been trying to convince the book club I’m in to read, so I bought it and read it over a 3-day period — I had been holding off on buying or reading it because I finish books under 300 pages too fast, but that’s usually the upper limit for books read by this book club so that was why I thought this would be a good choice. It was an interesting one!

    22. Bike Walk Barb*

      I get to blame whoever on here mentioned the Mercy Thompson series for a lot of lost sleep reading this long weekend. I do enjoy a good urban fantasy and I live in Washington state, so one that’s set in the Tri-Cities was irresistible. My library had the first 5 books as a single-volume checkout, which was fantastic. [Yawn]

      1. Lizard*

        Yay!!! I think it was after the third book that I finally said, ‘OK – if I start these before bed, I won’t go to sleep.’

  5. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! What are you playing? Share your current games and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    Yesterday a friend and I played a game called For the Queen. It’s a deck of questions and you have to answer the questions with a story you make up, until you get to the point where the queen is attacked and you have to decide if you defend her or not. It went a lot faster than the game creators thought it would, but that was okay. We had fun with it. Also, my spouse and I are playing coop Stardew Valley together and have nearly finished the spring.

    1. Bookgarden*

      Silent Hill 2 Remake, Dreamlight Valley, and Astro Bot here. Also got some board games on sale at Target and am about to start playing Everdell!

    2. SparklingBlue*

      Took a break from Zelda to give the Switch re-releases of the first 2 Donkey Kong Land Game Boy games a go. DKL had an awkward control setup, but DKL2 had a setup closer to the original Game Boy version.

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      My husband convinced me to give Lightyear Frontier a shot, and I’ve been enjoying it. It’s a farming game, but with mechs.

    4. Jay*

      S.T.A.L.K.E.R. II
      I’m really getting into it after the latest patch which cleaned up a lot of the small annoyances and made it much more playable, especially at lower levels.

    5. Rain, Disappointing Australian*

      It’s not so much “am playing” as “will be” because it’s not released yet, but–

      Fantasian Neo Dimension is coming out on the 5th and I have it preordered and I AM SO EXCITED. :DDDDD

      (For those who haven’t heard of this – there is a game on Apple Arcade called Fantasian, created by Sakaguchi Hironobu – the guy who made the original Final Fantasy – and featuring music entirely by Uematsu Nobuo. It’s finally gotten a remaster and some voice acting and is being released with the title Fantasian Neo Dimension. No more being stuck on Apple Arcade! Everyone can play this wondrous little gem! Eeeeee! :D)

      Currently playing, though, I’m still halfheartedly prodding at War of the Visions, and have picked up the Pokemon mobile TCG as well as a mobile game based on a Korean webtoon called Tower of God. I’m not really doing much with them, but I am at least playing a bit here and a tad there.

    7. Dontbeadork*

      Dreamlight Valley has a new expansion, so I’ve been focusing on it for computer games. Our TTRPG is heading for the big climactic fight, I think, so I need to start really nailing down what I’m doing with the new game, since I’ll be GMing that one. We use the Savage Worlds rules system, currently Deadlands and coming up Savage Pathfinder.

    8. The Dude Abides*

      Got to play Commander one night this week and Modern on Friday night.

      Commander – got to get two games in, won one and lost the other. Fun was had, and I think my decks were at the right power level for the pod.

      Modern – went 3-0, only dropping one game. Won a MH3 collector booster, and pulled a couple good cards (reg foil Ajani, borderless foil Soultrader) that are getting buylisted along with a lot of bulk. Looking at getting about $300 in credit to put towards a dual land.

    9. Keymaster of Gozer (she/her)*

      Modding the absolute hell out of Stardew Valley! I aim to create some mods of my own.

  6. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    The Tourist, 6 episode season on Netflix. An Irishman in Australia wakes up after a traffic accident with no memory. Which is inconvenient when dangerous people keep showing up to try and kill him. This was really fun–it becomes a buddy road trip except that one person is awkward and one has amnesia, so they keep not quite executing the tropes correctly.

    1. Geriatric Rocker*

      My Life is Murder with the wonderful Lucy Lawless. It’s filmed in New Zealand and, as expected, the scenery is stunning.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        The show is such a delight. I can’t decide who’s wardrobe I want, Lucy’s or her assistant’s.

    2. Chaordic One*

      I finally got around to watching the Christmas movie, Elf, starring Will Ferrell. The American cable network, TBS, had a marathon and played the movie over and over for 24 hours straight. I’m not a Will Ferrell fan and thought the movie sounded awful. And it turns out that it was not as bad as I thought it would be, although not really great. I wouldn’t watch it a second time. But if you have a couple of hours to kill…

      1. Seashell*

        I went into Elf with somewhat low expectations, but I liked it a lot and have watched it more than once. One of the better Christmas movies of somewhat recent years.

        1. MozartBookNerd*

          There are five seconds in Elf that always stick in my mind:

          Will Farrell’s babe-in-the-woods character is newly arrived in New York City, and he’s crossing the street. A yellow taxi comes careening along and very nearly flattens him, stopping just 1 inch short of him. And Will Farrell calls out to the cab driver, . . . “Sorry!”

          Love this as a former New Yorker LOL.

          1. Roy G. Biv*

            Rare Exports is a wild ride. I thought it was going to be straight up holiday horror, but I guess it is dark comedy.

      2. Mimmy*

        Will Ferrell’s character can be annoying, but the movie has its funny moments. Also, I liked Zooey Deschanel’s singing.

    3. The Prettiest Curse*

      There is a second season of The Tourist too, though I don’t know if it’s available on Netflix. I have to get around to watching it!

      This week, I watched the Olivia Rodrigo concert film on Netflix. Even though it has a few too many of her ballads, it’s very entertaining and well-filmed – they put a lot of thought into making it interesting to look at on screen, which is not always the case with concert films. There’s also a very cathartic moment where she gets the (mostly female) audience to think of someone or something they don’t like and then scream as loud as they can.

      I also watched the Oscar-winning documentary 20 Days in Mariupol. It’s a reminder of the incredible levels of courage it takes to be a war correspondent. It is extremely harrowing to watch, as the director based himself in an emergency room. It’s also a really great depiction of the surreal nature of the start of a war and how quickly abnormal things become normalised.

    4. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I had a knee replacement in September and gave myself some streaming subscriptions as a consolation prize, and I am now hooked on”Top Chef.” Never watched it before. There are lots and lots of seasons and I’m still working my way through it.

    5. Seashell*

      I’m partway through the 1st episode of the new season of The Sex Lives of College Girls. It’s good so far. Another one of those where the title doesn’t quite fit the substance of the show. It’s not all sex, all the time.

    6. Teapot Translator*

      I finished Kavanagh QC. It was okay, I got the impression that it wasn’t very realistic (re: lawyers), but I like John Thaw.
      I’ve started Ted Lasso. It’s a breath of fresh air. So funny, so positive.

    7. SarahKay*

      Purely by chance I watched Master Chef for the first time this week, and really enjoyed it. Was all set to make it a regular thing and then the news about Gregg Wallace’s inappropriate behaviour over the past years broke, and now… I’m not so sure.

      1. Lore*

        I am a huge fan of Australian Masterchef, which is very different from the British in format but really allows you to get to know contestants. Most of the seasons are on Tubi

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finally got to see *The Two Jakes*, the sequel to *Chinatown*. I didn’t love it as much as the first film, but it was pretty well done and the cinematography was beautiful.

    9. Still*

      Kaos on Netflix is a delight. An 8-episode miniseries retelling Greek myths in a modern setting, with Jeff Goldblum as Zeus. I haven’t finished it yet because I’m trying to pace myself but it’s fantastic.

    10. Veronica Mars*

      I just binged all eight episodes of A Man on the Inside last night. It was funny, charming, and heartwarming. It stars Ted Danson as a retired engineering professor who answers an ad in the newspaper and ends up being hired by a private investigator to go undercover inside a San Francisco retirement home. My teenage son and I both loved it and are looking forward to season two.

      2. ThatGirl*

        It was so good! We really loved it. I will say a mild content warning for people who have dealt with dementia – it handles the subject with a lot of grace but I know a few people who have lost parents to that recently.

    11. Roland*

      I watched Wicked with friends and we loved it! Biggest laugh in the packed theatre was when Galinda said “it’s tomorrow!” and someone in the audience exasperatedly said “she’s so stupid…”

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Saw that on Friday at the insistence of my daughter and I loved it, which surprised me. So much fun.

      2. Dontbeadork*

        Did you all have people singing along in your theater? I kind of want to watch the movie but I’d really rather only hear the actors singing.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      “Takin’ Over the Aylum”

      I just stumbled across this old mini series and watched it solely because one actor is a young David Tennant.

      I rarely binge 6 episodes at one time, but I couldn’t stop. It’s hilarious and heartbreaking in turns, and every cast member turns in a masterpiece.

      Those who need trigger warnings should read them; it’s set at a residential mental health facility, and it pulls no punches.

  7. wassailing*

    What are your during-the-day Christmas Day or Boxing Day traditions with your family, if you have any?

    My husband and I have a 3.5 year old and a 0.5 year old, and I’m thinking about how cool it is to start new family traditions. This year, as we have for the past two years, we’ll spend Christmas Eve at my husband’s parents’ house eating dinner and singing Christmas carols around the piano; then his parents and my parents will come over on Christmas Day for presents, brunch, and…something else! Probably reading time, a walk. Maybe some crafts? We live somewhere very cold but not reliably snowy at Christmas.

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Board games.
      One year (the year my daughter digitized all of them as a gift for me) we watched old home videos all day. My adult kids loved seeing (very amateur) video from our wedding, themselves as babies, etc.
      If the weather is good, a walk.
      Could be fun to do a thing where you ask the kids questions and record them. Things like “What’s something that happened that made you laugh?”
      “What do you think mom and dad do after you go to sleep?”
      “What toys do you like to play with and why are they fun?”
      Basically get them to talk on camera about their life.
      Then turn the tables and let them interview YOU on camera about your job, your hobbies, etc.

    2. old curmudgeon*

      Traditions have a way of making themselves when you’re not expecting it.

      When my sister first separated from her ex, their kids were about 7 and 10 years old. Sis got an apartment in an old mansion that had been broken up into multiple apartments (typical student ghetto type place), and the elderly furnace went out the night before Christmas. On Christmas morning, Sis and both kids were freezing cold in the unheated apartment, so she grabbed their gift-filled stockings from the living room and brought kids and stockings into her queen-sized bed so they could all curl up together and go through the loot in the stockings.

      The stocking-gifts-in-Mom’s-bed turned into a tradition that they recreated every year, long after Sis bought a house and they moved out of the ramshackle apartment. In fact, it continued up until the kids went off to college.

      So even in seemingly mundane moments, find ways to make them memorable. And you’ll build your own traditions along the way.

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Love this. A good friend of mine called me in early November the year she split from her spouse and said “I can’t stand it here by myself. Can I invite us to your house for Thanksgiving?” They came every year for the next ten or so until she moved out of the country, and I miss them.

      3. Frieda*

        I had major surgery once right before Christmas and the best I could manage for Christmas Eve dinner was “fancy frozen things from Trader Joe’s that can go right into the oven.” (I was fairly newly divorced.) Stocked up on groceries before I went into the hospital, got dinner sorted on Christmas, went to bed immediately afterward.

        That turned into Christmas Eve charcuterie, which my now-young-adult kids love to shop for and prep with me. It’s pretty easy, no one spends a zillion hours in the kitchen, everyone just eats however much they want, you can adjust for your omnivore to vegetarian guest ratios, and it somehow also feels kind of elegant and festive.

      4. Llama face!*

        I am over 40 and my parents and siblings and I (and now a couple grandkids) still do the “open stockings on Mom & Dad’s bed” tradition on years when we have Xmas together. Lol, my Dad once suggested maybe we stop since we don’t exactly all fit on one bed anymore but was roundly shouted down.

        The stockings have small gifts inside and also – always – a mandarin orange and a can of BBQ Pringles. Honestly I’d rather give up the big Xmas gifts (my family are definitely gift love language people) than the stockings tradition.

    3. Bike Walk Barb*

      A small but incredibly helpful tradition to start now–trust me, you’ll thank me. Tell them that kids stay in bed on Christmas morning until you come in with hot chocolate. If they have to get up to go to the bathroom they have to run straight there and straight back to bed. Why? Because that’s part of Christmas.

      I’m not the world’s best morning person. Doing this meant I could be at least half-awake when they squealed over their stockings and I’d had time to start coffee while I made the hot cocoa. If I’d fallen asleep early and hadn’t fully stocked the stockings I could make last-minute additions.

      This tradition has persisted so far into adulthood that when we were all visiting family a couple of years ago, my 28-year-old stayed in her bedroom waiting for me to bring hot chocolate. As a guest I didn’t know whether there were any cocoa-making supplies on hand so this was a mini-challenge but made for a great laugh when she called plaintively from behind the closed door, “Moooommm? Where’s my hot cocoa?”.

    4. Double A*

      We’re not Christians or religious so I like to lean into the solstice/magic elements of the holiday. Growing up the “Christmas Tree Fairy” always brought us an ornament and chocolate on Christmas eve.

      I started last year, but I am buying a fairy door every year. (We have a local art gallery that sells locally made ones). I’m gonna figure out how to have the door appear near the tree on Christmas Eve so the gnomes can bring a gift (there’s also a shop that sells these cute little gnomes and I buy one every year). The the fairy door will move out into the garden after Christmas.

      We have a great little Main Street in my town that has lots of neat local arts and crafts like these so it’s fun to shop and feel good about what I’m supporting.

    5. Jill Swinburne*

      My daughter gets to choose a new tree ornament every year. It’s great because in years to come we can all have a jolly laugh at her terrible taste.

      All our other decorations are actually my motley collection of childhood ones that I acquired from my mother when she gave up on Christmas trees so it’s really nice for me. No curated colour themes here! We also have some 1980s-era lights my husband retrieved from his mum’s basement, which are imbued with memories of his dad rage-untangling them, so it’s become pretty special.

    6. Orange m&m*

      Driving around looking at neighborhood Holiday lights. We have festive music on, travel mugs of hot chocolate.

        1. theinone*

          Well, by about 4 o’clock, it should be dark enough to turn lights on, depending on where you live…

    7. IT Manager*

      At the suggesting of the WaPo columnist Ask Amy, I have done the Book on Every Bed for the kids for years. Neither turned into great readers, my youngest (now almost through college) decidedly NOT a reader. But I mentioned that I was going to skip it last year and she was appalled – so I guess they like it???

      Anyway, when they are younger, it’s both the first present they can open without waiting for am everyone to get up, and then an afternoon activity.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      We live near the coast and a walk on the beach is wonderful at this time of year. Plus the beach combing can be quite good. Failing that, a long walk in the woods.
      When my son was small, we’d make and decorate cookies, do a lot of coloring/drawing and build an enormous train/block world with Thomas the Tank Engine, dinosaurs and pokemon inhabitants!

    9. Aquamarine*

      I know someone who pulls out a stack of 8×10 canvases and some acrylic paints, and everyone does a painting. They mostly use a drip paint technique that yields some really cool designs even without any skill, but anything goes!

    10. Llama face!*

      Puzzles. For a while we’d get Mom a new puzzle at Xmas and then spend the holiday doing it together. The 3.5 year old may be old enough for this if it’s an easy one, though not the baby obviously, lol, unless gnawing on a piece counts.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      Throughout the month we watch old Christmas specials like Rudoph and all the rest that used to run on TV back in the day. We watch DVDs and not broadcasts, since most channels chop off as much as they can to fit in more ads.

      On the day itself, mostly cooking our Christmas Feast, then eating it while watching a themed-but-inappropriate movie. Last year it was Val Lewton’s Curse of the Cat People, which is set partially during Christmas and is actually quite sweet.

      We always finish the night with a viewing of A Charlie Brown Christmas.

    12. carcinization*

      This is a very boring one but all I can think of is that my husband and I split a bottle of red wine on Christmas night. A book club I was in around a decade ago had a holiday gift exchange wherein I ended up with a very gaudy hand-painted and bedazzled Christmas-themed wine glass, so that is dutifully taken off of the shelf every Christmas so that I can drink out of it on only that night.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Christmases 2020 and 2021 were in lockdown, and I couldn’t be with my family, so I found myself trying to recreate what would be a traditional Christmas for us. So this meant making mince pies and sausage rolls on Christmas Eve and eating After Eight mints on Christmas afternoon in front of the TV.

    13. cleo*

      We work puzzles and/or play cards or board games. I particularly love the puzzle tradition because people can come and go as they please and it allows for conversation but doesn’t require it.

    14. Camelid coordinator*

      It’s more in the Christmas season than the day itself, but when the lad was little sometime during the break we’d make homemade thank you cards using Christmas stamps and various colored ink pads. I enjoyed it and might keep doing it!

    15. Tulip*

      Akin to the walk idea, we love to go sledding on Christmas Day. We sled on local hills if there’s snow in town, and drive to the mountains about 40 min. away if we need to. We bring hot cocoa in a thermos and all sorts of little snacks.

    1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      Deep cleaning the house! I cleaned the floors today, ran out of steam (both literally and figuratively), and called it an evening a little while ago. I’ll pick up more distilled water tomorrow for the steam mop.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I just organized the storage room! It was getting pretty bad. Now I have a clear path to start getting out Christmas decorations tomorrow :)

    4. Double A*

      Well, I’ve been off the past week but illness has passed through the house so I’ve been ok with just letting things go since even with 2 functional adults that’s the state of things with little kids. But I would like to actually put away the laundry (2 loads) and wash basically all our towels since they’re all out and I don’t really what’s musty and what’s not.

      Also maybe I will drop off some stuff at the thrift shop? I read should. it’s definitely something I’ve been putting off.

    5. Snow Angels in the Zen Garden*

      I have an idea for some Christmas decorations that I hope to test making tomorrow. The end result will hopefully look like peppermints, and maybe some suckers, that I can hang on my porch walls.

    6. Jackalope*

      I did it today! Made a whole bunch of Turkey stock from the Turkey carcass, and it’s in the fridge chilling. I prefer to put it directly into the freezer containers it will live in, but it was 10:00 at night and it wasn’t cool enough to take out of a cooking vessel, so I’ve got a big crockpot full of a couple of gallons of stock chilling right now. Last year I didn’t make the Turkey stock because I left the carcass at my dad’s house by accident (he lives a few hours away), so I’m glad to replenish my supply.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Tidying my study, and I think I posted that in last week’s procrastination thread, so….

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I can relate to not getting things done from last week. But perhaps this week! I will again be trying to do laundry and more grading.

    8. Teapot Translator*

      I sorted my pants a few weeks back (keep, throw away, donate). I need to do the same with the sweaters.

    9. Angstrom*

      Just (finally!) replaced another couple of outlets with ones that have built-in USB charging ports. Unplugging a light to plug in a charger was getting annoying.

      Can also recommend lighted wall switches as an easy home upgrade, especially for folks with vision issues.

    10. Rocklynn*

      I want to buy a book seat (basically a bean bag that you sit your book in and there’s an acrylic piece attached to a stretchy cord that holds the book open).

      I haven’t gotten one yet even though I’ve been eyeing them a long time because they’re $40 on Amazon and that’s really expensive. They’re on sale for $28 at Thriftbooks, which is still kind of expensive, and they don’t accept returns unless they make an error, so what if it turns out to not work at all?

      I want to get it so I can read books at work while eating lunch, but I have trouble buying things that are “just for fun” and it’s hard to convince myself that it would work even though it got good reviews and it looks like it would hypothetically work.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        We have them – I don’t use mine a ton but my husband uses his every day and loves it! He definitely uses it to be able to eat and read at the same time. I think I probably use mine less because I read more quickly than he does, so I’m always needing to turn a page anyways (I also eat faster than he does!) But I do like it for bigger, heavier books!

      2. Love me, love my cat*

        I bought a little picture holder at Michael’s. It has two legs and a “scoop” kind of shape in front. It easily folds in half. Sometimes it’s called an easel, but doesn’t look like what I would call a traditional easel. All sizes, materials, colors, prices. I bought a cheap plastic one for under $4. Holds my book perfectly, but you do need a flat surface to set it on. Works perfect to hold my phone when I read AAM while eating!

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      MUST start ordering Christmas gifts, and calling my aunt: my sister’s birthday is December 6th and I want some suggestions for something extra special as she was the one who sat with my dying mother a week ago (I live across the country.)

    13. Might Be Spam*

      This afternoon, I got the bright idea to unload all the shelves and boxes that have been sitting in my bedroom (for longer than I want to admit) in order to organize and clean. Now everything is piled in my living room and I have to actually finish the organization and cleaning part. So much stuff! I’m overwhelmed and exhausted, but now I have to finish. At least I have one corner already done. Three corners and the middle left to go.

    14. Dontbeadork*

      We need to clear off the gaming table in the dedicated game room so we can actually use it for its intended purpose. At the moment it’s cluttered with stuff that got shifted there while we did a proper deep clean of the rest of the house and stuff we brought home from clearing husband’s mother’s house prior to putting it up for sale.

    1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Ah, maybe it is already cleaned and he is just buffing it up a bit.
      Definitely a Christmas card-worthy picture!

    5. erma*

      I hadn’t looked at the photo. I scrolled back up and thought that one cat was holding up another cat to help it reach something.

  10. Wide Width Purple Boots*

    I have been searching for a pair of purple boots to complete several dressy outfits, and am coming up short in a very literal way due to foot comfort specifics, not the least of which is a wide foot with a narrow heel!

    I would dearly welcome your searching skills.

    Requirements:
    -11 wide. (Widest part of foot is about 4″ across.)
    –This can translate to C or D width. This can also translate to 42 in EU sizes, at least for me – though I’ve found 43 is better.
    -Low heel – 1 1/4″ is my maximum. The flatter, the better.
    -I’d prefer an bootie, but could look at a smooth-topped (no laces or minimal laces) shoe, or a taller boot.
    –However, for a taller boot, I have athletic calves, as they say, which means 16″, which then means “wide calf.” Yay.

    So many leads have come up against my size being out of stock, or the color out of stock, or both. Or falsely advertised: Walmart marketplace amazingly has all sorts of everything I could want in a purple bootie, until you read the reviews. Grr.

      1. Wide Width Purple Boots*

        I’d prefer royal purple or even plum, but desperation means I’d take other shades!

    2. Not A Manager*

      The brand Clarks seems to have some burgundy colored low boots that meet those requirements. Not bright purple, though.

      I see a brand called girotti that makes custom biker boots in purple, but they’re spendy.

      2. Wide Width Purple Boots*

        I did see those Clarks! I may go back to them, thank you.

        I had not come across Girotti and it is very tempting.

    3. JustKnope*

      If you use Facebook, the group Gee Thanks Just Bought It! is fantastic for these kinds of niche shopping requests! It’s a great corner of the internet.

    5. Maryn*

      I’m not crazy about any of these, but maybe one will do:

      Arcopedico L8 at Zappo’s. I do love the deep purple color, and the heel is low, but in terms of style, meh.

      FYS Women Combat Lace-up Ankle Boots Round Toe Flat Low Heel Bootie at Amazon. It’s not read suede, and the sizing doesn’t offer wide, but their AI says buyers with wide feet like the fit.

      Miz Mooz makes a quality shoe (and you pay for that quality) with sizes to 12, with several purples, but no wides. Is there a local place you can try on any of their boots to see if the regular 11 will fit you? Manufacturers have one last (fake foot) per size and type (boot, sandal, flats, etc.) and make all their products of that type fit the last, so if any Miz Mooz bootie fits you, the purple ones should, too.

      1. Wide Width Purple Boots*

        I have tried Miz Mooz – it turns out that their size 12 is better for my size 11 feet. I currently have a Miz Mooz size 12 purple in medium that a local shoe store said they could stretch to wide. They’ve tried, but…no. I have a shoe stretcher spray on order to see if I can do it myself.

        I will look into those others, thank you!

    6. A Girl Named Fred*

      I’m not sure if they’d have the color, but Torrid may be worth a try for the sizing! I don’t have wide feet but I do have similar calves and Torrid boots are some of the most consistent in actually fitting my calf, so maybe you’d have some luck there. Good luck!

    7. Lore*

      Miz Mooz has amazing color options and varied styles but I’m not sure about the wide foot/narrow heel combo. I have medium width feet and the pair of low boots I have (I think the style is Louise) feels a little wide. Their sizing only goes up to 42, though.

      1. Wide Width Purple Boots*

        Miz Mooz is so tempting! I have found that their 43 W fits where their 42 W still feels too tight. I have their lovely marine-blue 43W, but can’t get the same in purple with any of theirs. I have the Louise in 43M right now, trying to stretch it (so far it is stubborn).

    8. Wide calf mooo*

      Have you looked at wide widths dot com or wide calves dot com? These used to be go-to selection of shoes in wide sizes and boots for throws of us with wide calves.

      1. Wide Width Purple Boots*

        I used to like wide widths dot com – or maybe it was wide hyphen widths dot com, though the latter doesn’t seem to exist anymore, and the former has changed to a different storefront.

        I’ve also gotten onto Woman Within and all of its sister stores that have the exact same stock.

        I may have developed this purple-boot-lust too late!

    9. Bay*

      I wear barefoot/minimalist shoes and recently got my first pair of boots from FeelBarefoot via Etsy. They make shoes when you order them out of vegetable-tanned leather, you can request changes to their basic shape with no extra cost, the shipping from Turkey was pretty fast (I live in East Asia so not sure about other parts of the world) and they have tons of colors. My boots are super comfy, sturdy, and flexible and I hear their tall boots are good for wider calves. Good luck! Purple boots sound so dreamy…

      1. Wide Width Purple Boots*

        Oh! Great idea.

        I found a purple barefoot shoe on Amazon to try out (with free returns) as a low-effort way to see if that style works for me. I do prefer going barefoot for real, as it happens, though I understand the shoe itself may have some getting used to.

    10. I didn't say banana*

      I’m probably not in your country so I can’t give a specific store, but have you considered searching for drag queen supply stores? I’m also a wide 11 with muscular calves so I often find shoes designed for men fit me well. I’m sure they’d have purple!

    11. Student*

      If you find boots you like, you could consider dying them. It’s possible to find good deals second hand, which makes it less risky if you don’t like the results.

      I bought a pair of nubuck boots on clearance and didn’t like the color IRL. I’m in the process of dying them with Angelus suede dye and so far I think they are going to turn out well.

  11. WoodswomanWrites*

    Wildlife thread. What critters have you seen?

    I had three sightings of bald eagles today, including one right above me and another that flew off with prey to its nest.

    1. tenor eleven*

      Several turkey vultures were seen nesting in the pine trees behind my mom’s house. Nothing like watching birds the size of 2-year-old children just… waiting. (*shudder*)

    2. BellaStella*

      Dark squirrels, an owl, kestrels and local raptors. Also driving home late last week at midnight saw a fox and a deer!

    3. RLC*

      An adorable little Downy Woodpecker has joined the regulars (sparrows, finches, quail, and doves) at the feeders in my garden. Great Horned owls converse in the trees each night just before midnight-not visible but quite loud.
      Flock of Canada Geese using nearby flood detention basin for migration stopover.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      A coyote in the open field behind my health club.

      In the summer we had a beaver in the backyard, which was unexpected: There’s a small seasonal stream back there but I don’t think you could get far damming it.

      1. GoryDetails*

        There’s a brook behind my house and sometimes I hear beaver slapping their tales on the water. They haven’t attempted to dam it but apparently use it to get back and forth to more pond-like parts of the stream – and once in a while I’ve found saplings neatly gnawed down.

    5. Shiny Penny*

      A little flock of about 20 Pine Siskins leapfrogging over each other as they crossed my whole roof (covered with tree debris) hunting for spiders and seeds, I presume. A cheerful noisy party! I think they cheep every single time they move their bodies.

    6. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My husband acquired a sparrow trap, since he’s had it with the house sparrows hogging the birdfeeder and it’s legal to kill them. Twice now we’ve looked out the back window to see a Cooper’s hawk sitting on the top of the trap apparently wondering how to get to the tasty treats within.

    7. The OG Sleepless*

      An entire herd of deer in the woods behind our house. We don’t get many deer on our side of the neighborhood, so it was startling to see an 8 or 10 point buck, a doe, and three or four young adult fawns just walking around back there.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        I saw tundra swans wintering in California this weekend. They are enormous. When a bald eagle would fly over the geese took to the sky in a panic. The swans? Ho hum, let’s go back to feeding and napping.

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      Saw a gorgeous mature bald eagle soaring over the highway the other day. Heard barred and great horned owls calling last night. And lot of coyote (or coywolves, as they are here in New England) activity. Had a big flock of juncos in the yard yesterday, followed by a bit of snow last night, so maybe they are snow birds?

    11. Librarian for Babies*

      I saw a skunk in my front yard at about 11:30 one night recently. Such a funny looking creature! Thankfully it did not leave a scent. I also saw a group of 4 or 5 wild turkeys driving by an open field the other day. They were pretty close to the street so I got a good view, which was exciting.

    12. Harlowe*

      We have several fishers in the neighborhood, whose nightly screams put foxes to shame. All the wildlife is suffering horribly due to the drought. I wish it would rain.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        What I know as a fisher is a large member of the weasel family in North America, whose populations are threatened in some areas because they depend on old-growth forests. What part of the world are you in?

          1. WoodswomanWrites*

            Ah, I get it now. I thought they were rare throughout the country but it’s only in parts of the West. I just listened to their sound.

    13. Jay*

      I was doing some pressure washing in the parking lot of The Place That Shall Not Be Named, and, apparently, a large hawk of indeterminate species was sitting on a light pole, just watching me. According to someone else in the office, it was there for a good 20 minutes or more, just watching me wash gross, dirty field gear.

    15. Busy Middle Manager*

      I’ve seen two bears in the wild in all of my hikes. One was huge and must’ve been deaf or something because he did not react to me coming down the trail at all and kept eating what looked like ferns. So I ended up turning around.

      I’ve also seen bard owls but never can get close enough to take a photo that isn’t a blur. Have seen four porcupines as well. It’s always been cold out when I’ve seen them so I wonder if they’re more active in the winter?

      One time I was very far down a remote path that curve up steeply in rock-steps so you couldn’t see that far in the distance; I heard a lot of mouthy breathing sounds. I thought, great a huge bear is blocking the path. Just my luck. I wasn’t thinking I guess, and stepped forward, thinking it would run off as they usually do. Instead, whatever it was, just out of sight, turned into a very loud persistent howl like a siren. I was very confused and couldn’t to get home to research if bears make that sound. Nope. No clue what it was. Still obsess over it at times and I cannot find the sound online anywhere.

      Have always wanted to see a bobcat or fisher in the wild.

    16. goddessoftransitory*

      I see bunnies often, and we watch the squirrels and crows behind our building a lot. The crows love to play “dive bomb” in the summer, just dropping straight down past our balcony over and over.

    17. Rara Avis*

      Went on a hike with the kiddo, and spotting wildlife was on the agenda for extra credit for biology class. A pair of bald eagles, hawks, vultures, a Steller’s Jay, California quail, a jackrabbit, a herd of deer, a gopher , lots of ground squirrels.

    18. WoodswomanWrites*

      I like reading about all your stories. I occasionally posted a comparable thread at one point but it’s been a long time.

    19. Dancing Otter*

      It’s what I have NOT seen. My new apartment has a courtyard with plenty of bushes and trees. But I haven’t seen a single squirrel or bird since I moved here 6 weeks ago.
      There were always birds and squirrels at the old place, and I’m kind of surprised how much I miss seeing them.

    20. Elizabeth West*

      I’m in the city so there aren’t a lot of interesting animals, just your regular urban wildlife. Once when I was doing laundry, I had the door open and heard a noise — it was a young raccoon trapped in the recycle bin, crying. I tipped it over so he could run out, poor little guy. Birds I’ve seen include pigeons, cobra chickens (Canada geese), and of course seagulls (I’d forgotten how big they are!). Sometimes I hear crows, but I haven’t seen them. And I finally caught a glimpse of the famous Boston turkeys — I was on the bus and happened to glance out the window about three stops from mine, and there were six of them chilling in someone’s driveway. :D

      Best one: once when I was taking out the trash, I heard a croak, looked up, and on the light pole, there sat a huge raven. I didn’t have my phone with me so I couldn’t take a picture, drat it. Never in my life have I seen or heard a raven in the wild — it was pretty cool. I hope he comes back sometime.

  12. tenor eleven*

    I went to see my folks on Thanksgiving for the 1st time since 1999, and was given a swift & powerful reminder on why I had stayed away so long.

    To all those who similarly miscalculated, you will heal. Eventually.

    2. BellaStella*

      I am so sorry, but I am glad you have more clarity now, I assume. What a tough day it sounds like.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m sorry, that hurts.

      I hope you find the clarity they provided helpful in crafting your path forward.

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      Oh dear. I’m so sorry. I’ve been NC with my family for 27 years, but got a lovely dose of my in-laws yesterday, so I empathize!

    5. tenor eleven*

      It did produce this amusing (for me) exchange:

      “How was your Thanksgiving?”

      “Horrendous.”

      “Oh, I’m so sorry. Bad weather?”

      “Nope, the weather was fine.”

      “Errrrr…”

    6. I like bananas*

      Thank you for posting this. I was feeling slightly guilty for not going. But you reminded me that I have very good reasons for staying away.

  13. BellaStella*

    Anyone here have a Fairphone? Care to share comments?
    Also if you have an older mobile do you plan to get a newer one?
    I have an iPhone 6s that mostly works fine but I think due to update issues next year I may buy a newer model and Fairphone is one option.

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        Oh good to know! I usually refuse to spend more than $200 and my last several phones were iPhone SE. I already knew I’d probably need to spend more this time. The confirmation is good.

    2. Calla*

      I have a Fairphone 3 and my husband a Fairphone 5, and we’re both very happy with it. So far, we never had to replace any parts, though, so I can’t tell how well that works.
      My Fairphone 3 still gets updates and will for another few years, I believe, so it’s feasible to buy one of the older models if you don’t want to spend as much money.

    3. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I have a fairphone 3 and have had it for approx. 4 years now. I am very happy with it.
      It’s not fancy but quite sturdy.
      The camera is 12 mega pixel, which is sufficient for me. The newer ones have 48 or even 50mp, though.
      The battery life is good but does, of course, depend on how much I use the phone and especially which homepages/apps I use – watching a stream on twitch drains the battery quite quickly, youtube and googlemaps are so-so; with limited use of those, my battery lasts about 3 days.
      I added a 64gb sd-card which helps keep the internal phone memory uncluttered and the phone snappy. I haven’t yet noticed the phone slowing down.
      I also haven’t yet had to replace any parts but am quite confident in my ability to do so, should the need arise.

    4. Observer*

      Are you in the US? I don’t think they sell in North America.

      I love the concept. I have a phone that’s 3 years old, and I’m hanging on to it for at least another year, probably 2 unless something goes wrong. But I doubt I’ll actually break it, as I do keep my phone in a really good case.

      If you can’t get a fairphone there are a three of things to look at for longevity.

      1. Repairability. Apple has a terrible track record on that. iFixit is a good source of information on that.

      2. Software, especially security related, support life. Apple has an excellent track record there.

      3. Physical durability. In general, a lot of the more “premium” phones are the most fragile because of how much glass they use. However, you can mitigate that by using a case and screen protector.

      The other thing I would advise is that you buy slightly above what you actually need right now. That insures that if your needs grow you are less likely to outgrow the capacity of the phone in the next couple of years.

  14. Literally a Cat*

    Geriatric kitty update. He’s doing well for his age. He is too old to use litter box now and it’s going to be puppy pads on the floor forever. Oh well, as long as he’s happy.

    1. The Body Is Round*

      My mother had a tiny dog and an elderly cat at the same time. The dog used puppy pads overnight when she couldn’t be walked. The cat decided they were just a weird form of litterbox and started using them on her own rather than going to her box in the basement.

      We could always tell who had used the pad because the cat would bury her mess by folding the corner of the pad over it.

    2. Time for Tea*

      We did the puppy pads for our 20ish year old cat for the last year of his life. Clean up is so much easier! We had them in 3 or 4 locations round the house, and 3 or 4 pads at each spot spread around to make a large area covered in case he didn’t quite aim just on one…

    3. Geriatric cats unite!*

      Question about this. We also have a geriatric cat who has decided that litter boxes are for younger cats, not for him. But he’s not just going on the floor. He’s spraying our bookshelves, he’s pooping on the beds, he’s peeing on our dishes in the cupboards…. Does anyone have any ideas about how to deal with this? We’ve taken him to the vet multiple times and they aren’t able to fix it although they’ve tried a few different things. And we can’t get everything off the floor; it would be nice, but we don’t have the power to make things levitate. Ideas?

      1. GoryDetails*

        When I had problems with indiscriminate spraying (turned out my aging female cat was really not happy about the other cats in the house) I wound up wrapping the bottom shelves of bookcases (yes, they sprayed some of my books. urk.) with sheets of plastic – had an old shower curtain that I cut up to start with, and bought some cheap plastic tarps as the problem continued. I put extra litterboxes around too, which did help a little bit, and the sheets kept the spray off of harder-to-clean items.

        The issue did not go away until the hypersensitive cat was the only one left, at which point she was fine with using the litterbox and not spraying every wall insight. Sigh. (I love the critters, but sometimes they just… test you.)

        1. tenor eleven*

          Yes, so true. 3 of my 5 are over 10 yo, so it’s a problem that solves itself eventually. I love them but am not a fan of my house having the cat pee smell.

      2. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Ugh, it’s so hard :( Sounds like it’s behavioral and that can be hard to fix.

        Do you have other cats? If so then try putting kitty in his own room for a while to see if he’s currently too stressed by other cats. This doesn’t have to be forever, but having a ‘safe room’ might help him stop spraying. Though if that does work then there’s likely no good solution for reintegrating them permanently. If he likes his own room then I’d put him in there when you’re out, and only have the cats out together when you’re home. Thankfully as they get older they tend to be happier hanging out by a window and don’t need a big runway.

        You can also try Feliway, though I have heard about spraying, territorial cats who got worse with Feliway so be careful. It worked for some if they are spraying due to stress that isn’t territorial.

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      Thank you for this great idea! Our lovely kitty is at least 16 (rescue, so not sure) and this is a super idea to have in my back pocket in case we need it.

  15. Roeslein*

    Anyone has tips on how to phrase “unusual” dietary restrictions? I have recently been diagnosed with a medical condition that requires me to avoid fatty foods. (Not weight-related, my body just has issues digesting these foods.) At home, it’s not really an inconvenience – while the diagnosis is new, I have had this issue since birth, so I have always avoided certain foods such as cream, mayo etc. as they made me sick. However, it is a problem when eating out and at work events as I am not sure how to communicate my dietary needs. (I
    Often dishes that would be completely fine if I cooked them at home are made with a lot of butter or other fat in commercial settings.)

    In the past, I just tried to make do, but now that I have a diagnosis, I would like to be able to ask for food that meets my medical needs and not be sick after work dinners. I have tried just asking for “low fat” but as a petite woman, it has led to some inappropriate comments suggesting I “should not be trying to lose weight” or even rumours that I have an eating disorder! What wording would you recommend? Am I better off giving a list of specific ingredients (“no mayo, cream, butter, or full-fat dairy” which are the main culprits in my experience)? Getting the vegan option allows me to avoid most of these but miss instances where the cook just uses a lot of oil, and some plant milks are high in fat. Is there a better way to phrase it?

    1. Arya Parya*

      My SO and I plan to get married in the fall of next year. (Currently looking at locations) My question about this concerns the wedding dress.

      I have never liked to wear dresses or skirts. I’ve worn them for a special occasion sometimes, but never felt comfortable.

      So I’ve decided not to wear a dress (or skirt) to my own wedding. I’m now looking at alternatives. I do still want it to be feminine, I don’t need it to be white. Does anyone have any advice about what to look for, what terms to Google? Or any experience themselves with this?

      (My partner is a man btw, so he will just wear a suit)

      2. Despachito*

        What about a jumpsuit?

        I have never worn one so I don’t know what they are like in terms of practicality but I have seen wedding ones and they look pretty classy and elegant.

    2. Not A Manager*

      “I can’t eat fat for medical reasons.”

      “Please don’t comment on my body.” “I know what I can eat, please don’t comment on my food.”

    3. FoodAllergies*

      Just tell them what you can’t eat. That said, be prepared for them to be really bad at accommodating them. I’ve found once you go beyond vegan, kosher, halal, or the most common food allergies people are both bad at applying guidelines/rules and (sometimes) get sick of dealing with it and nope out.

      I’m allergic to raw tomatoes (actually an enzyme that breaks down when the tomatoes are fully cooked or processed) and lots of places randomly use diced tomatoes as an unexpected garnish (not in the ingredients list) or will just try taking them off (leaving behind raw tomato juices) when you tell them it unexpectedly has tomatoes. In general, people are bad about realizing ingredients in dishes and don’t pay attention to the degree they should.

      1. FoodAllergies*

        Meant to include re: noping out that a few places I’ve worked supplied lunch on either a weekly or monthly basis. One special ordered for food needs but limited it to vegan or gluten free when they started having more than 2-3 special food needs. Most basically said you get what you get; they did typically accommodate vegetarians but not really anything else. I once went to a three day conference where the only food was through the conference and I literally couldn’t eat anything on a dinner buffet beyond rolls. I asked one of the staff to at least bring me a plate of the salad without tomatoes but they balked and refused. Another time I took a day trip to DC where I flew down at 6am and flew home at 9pm. I didn’t get to eat anything until I got to the airport to head home because the catered lunch was a sandwich tray, all of which had tomatoes, and there was no time to get food outside the office.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah, and I’ve honestly encountered similar even with a gluten allergy. I’d go with 1) asking to see ingredients lists, 2) having emergency back up foods.

    4. Roland*

      If this is for something like catered meals, can you ask to see the menu? You can say your restrictions can be hard to explain and it would just be easiest that way.

    5. WS*

      My sister had her gall bladder removed and since then has exactly this issue. She has better luck saying no full fat dairy. If it’s meat she can usually work around the fatty bits. She also has FODMAP restrictions, particularly onion, so vegan hasn’t been good for her either. It’s been over a year now and she’s got a lot better at working out which commercial dishes are likely to be a problem, and which she can eat part of easily.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Would “My body has trouble digesting fat, especially mayo or anything dairy” be sufficient?

      Generally speaking, short and boring is the standard to aim for, with a side of it being a just-you medical thing. You want to convey that this is akin to someone with a severe dairy allergy–no judgment or even interest in how someone else likes their mashed potatoes, but you want to know if you can eat this without spending the rest of the night in misery.

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        I like this wording.

        I’d focus on specific things because ‘fat’ is likely too broad for people and they might miss creams. I’d aim for the most problematic ingredients and would try “I have trouble digesting dairy, and would prefer that meals be cooked in as little oil as reasonably possible.”

    7. Emma*

      You shouldn’t have to disclose your medical condition, but if you feel comfortable, I would basically say your second line (you have a medical condition where you have to avoid fatty foods. it’s not a weight loss plan, but something required by your doctor so you don’t get sick). But totally agree that people will unfortunately likely suck at accommodating this. It might help to give an example of a dish that’s ok to get it to click in people’s brains (not to be funny, but they may not be used to thinking in terms of what makes something high fat). I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.

    8. Ellis Bell*

      “Medically, I can’t eat fat”, “I can’t tolerate fat”, “I can’t eat that; doctor’s orders”. If anyone comments on your weight or diet “Oh, I’m not trying to lose weight”, “that’s not how that works”, “I’m going to listen to my doctor thanks ” and “please do not spread rumours that’s not okay “

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      I can’t eat mayo, sour cream and cream. My stomach/gall bladder/something just can’t handle it at all.
      I just say I can’t eat those things or my gallbladder will explode. And I just avoid things like cream based soups (i.e. chowders, broccoli cheese, etc), whipped cream, etc.

    12. Janesfriend*

      When people comment on what I am eating (other than ‘oh that looks delicious’ which is fine) or not eating, I like to use “gosh, I’ve always found it problematic to comment on what other people are eating”. Shuts them right up, and have never met anyone who has been able to counter, as it’s not talking about them (though it really is), it’s just my thoughts about me.

    13. HannahS*

      I would suggest something like “I have a physical problem and I can’t digest fat. Can you recommend something that has very little fat, like oil or butter?”

      Remember that a lot of people, even with good intentions, might not know what you’re talking about. People are used to “fatty/fattening” being the same as “unhealthy,” not realizing that stereotypically “healthy” foods like salad can be oily while the maligned baked potato is low-fat.

      I’d suggest ordering dressings and sauces on the side always, and seeking out cuisines that use cooking methods like boiling and steaming.

    14. Owlette*

      Probably won’t work for holidays where people tend to get set in their ways, but my sister’s friend who has lots of weird food needs made an online google doc of easy recipes she can eat. So if friends ask if they can have her around, she just sends them the link and takes the guess work out of it

    15. Arabesque*

      I had my gall bladder removed and have the exact same issue. Honestly, what’s worked best for me is knowing which restaurants to go to and which dishes won’t bother me. That being said, it sounds like you don’t have much choice for work dinners. I’ve found “Could you please ask the kitchen to cook this without oil or butter? The last time I had this it really upset my stomach because I think there was a lot of cooking oil/butter” sometimes works .

  16. Arya Parya*

    My SO and I plan to get married in the fall of next year. (Currently looking at locations) My question about this concerns the wedding dress.

    I have never liked to wear dresses or skirts. I’ve worn them for a special occasion sometimes, but never felt comfortable.

    So I’ve decided not to wear a dress (or skirt) to my own wedding. I’m now looking at alternatives. I do still want it to be feminine, I don’t need it to be white. Does anyone have any advice about what to look for, what terms to Google? Or any experience themselves with this?

    (My partner is a man btw, so he will just wear a suit)

    1. supply closet badger*

      Would you be interested in a jumpsuit, perhaps? Or a kind of ‘secret’ two-piece (trousers and top in the same fabric)?

      1. Bobina*

        Came here to say this. There’s something about a fancy jumpsuit (whenever I’ve seen them) that I just love more than a pantsuit!

        Alternatively, a really good suit can be fairly feminine too so wouldnt rule that out. I’d probably start by thinking about what you feel good wearing, and then look to get an elevated version of it.

      2. Manders*

        Yes, my friend celebrated her 20th anniversary with a vow renewal and she wore a very cute jumpsuit that was awesome! It was the perfect balance between fancy and casual, and she picked a white one that paired nicely with colored accessories. Still feminine, but modern.

      3. Maestra*

        They’re selling lots of fancy sparkly jumpsuits right now as Christmas/New Year’s party outfits, so this might be a fun time to go shopping!

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        Maybe with a long, dramatic jacket? Something light and flowy that gives a draped effect?

    2. BellaStella*

      You can google elegant bridal pantsuits perhaps? there are some super nice ones out there. Perhaps you guys can match too?

    3. Belindy Hopper*

      There are some gorgeous bridal trouser suits out there, so you could start with that. Many of them are white or cream, but you can look at non-bridal specific options too if you want colour (look at trouser suits for formal events). This lets you play around with colour (pastel? bright? pattern?) and silhouette (tailored? flowy? Fitted top and palazzo pants? Tunic top and pegged cigarette pants?) as well as fabric (silk? brocade? satin? lace?) to get a look that you feel your best in. (Bonus: if you go for something not specifically bridal it’s likely to be considerably cheaper without sacrificing quality – that wedding markup is real and it’s ridiculous.)

      A friend got married a couple of years ago in a metallic pale gold pant suit with a flowy, draped silhouette and she looked absolutely stunning. She went with bronze-toned accessories to add contrast (strappy sandals, jewellery, fascinator). She said the hardest part was actually the flowers – it took a while to get a style and colour choice that she was happy with, but in the end she had this amazing dark green and rich autumn tones bouquet that really worked.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      Formal jumpsuit? This gold one might be nice: https://www.phase-eight.com/product/alli-gold-textured-jumpsuit-22250406008.html?istCompanyId=c38fe7a0-ffd0-4925-94b3-cff8df449484&istFeedId=5a41320b-c741-4d1e-b90d-1091450d147c&istItemId=qtwwwrpiq&istBid=t&cq_src=google_ads&cq_cmp=21783433593&cq_net=x&cq_plt=gp&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=21783433593&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAjKu6BhAMEiwAx4UsAm51JvOswCxx3jEyJ0B2EF-nWqFlQ86eJNL7bAirEpelJlmyXcy4rxoCVXoQAvD_BwE

    5. Not dressed in a dress*

      I wore a blouse in a beautiful, shiny color, flowy linen pants and dressier sandals. Granted, our wedding was not super fancy, but I loved it. I say do whatever makes you happy!

      1. Not dressed in a dress*

        Ah, I meant to say: None of my outfit was billed as something for weddings. In my experience, as soon as you tack the word “wedding” on to a thing (invitations, clothing, decorations) it goes up in price by anywhere from 50 to 300%. So I would suggest just going shopping someplace nice! Someplace where you like the clothes style, they fit you and it hits the level of formality you’re looking for.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve recently started watching old reality TV and there’s a “Say Yes to the Dress” (Lancashire) where Gok delights a biker bride with wedding trousers and a partial overskirt. That particular one feels very disco to me, but the idea might get you thinking. (I went back to YouTube to find the details for you, so the link will be in a follow up comment.)

      Maybe look at white silk palazzo pants and go from there?

      Good luck– I hope you find something that makes you very happy!

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        By the way even if you choose a color not white, starting there is likely to jump you to a bridal look efficiently.

    7. Anon. Scientist*

      You may want to check out offbeat wed (formerly offbeat bride) for ideas – they have an alternative wedding dress section.

    8. No name yet*

      When my wife and I got married, I wanted a white dress and she did not (like you, was never really comfortable in dresses/skirts either). She ended up choosing 3 separate pieces – flowing dark pants, off-white shell, and long dark velvety jacket (and unlike my dress, was able to wear all the pieces afterwards for other dressy events :D). She didn’t really know what she wanted to wear, so basically we spent several weekends going to nicer department stores (e.g., Macy’s, Nordstrom’s), going into their fancy-but-not-formal-wear sections and trying lots of things on. The more things she tried on, the more she was able to figure out what types of items/styles she liked and didn’t, and then we could narrow onto looking for those more specifically.

      I’ll say that the process was probably more challenging because neither of us are really ‘clothes people’ or enjoy clothing shopping, so we were starting from less than scratch, LOL. Also that at least then, most of the non-dress options were a bit more…matronly than she was looking for in her late 20s. I think formal/nicer wear options for women have expanded more since then, which hopefully will make it easier for you! Good luck!

    9. Not A Manager*

      Eileen Fisher usually has some very loose, wide leg pants that are sometimes called skirt pants. They come in a variety of colors and materials. I’d take a look at the silk.

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      A jumpsuit with wide legged, flowy pants could be stunning with some funky accessories and perhaps a hat
      Congrats!

    12. IT Manager*

      Salwaar kameez – Indian outfit with tunic and loose, slight billowing pants gathered at the ankle.

      Ranges from simple to very fancy, but way more comfortable if, like me, you don’t wear skirts or dresses.

      Matching scarf can be worn across the neck and draped down the back, across one shoulder, like a headscarf, or just left off if you want to keep your hands free-er.

    13. Le le lemon*

      If you’re into looking elegant/classy – and maybe this is too w-rk focused, I think Amal Clooney does a fantastic job. Her yellow jumpsuit/pantsuit (~June 2023) is a thing of beauty. Feminime yes, but very powerful.
      If you pick a few key words that describe the look you’re after, that can help you search variations of that.
      May the hunt be fruitful!

    14. Arya Parya*

      Thanks for all the advice so far. I’ve been reading all of it and I will look at all the different ideas to see what suits me. Also good to hear I’m not alone in this preference.

      I might bring someone to go shopping with me, because I now realize I really don’t know much about clothes.

      I will keep reading here, so more advice is very welcome.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        Pre-shopping, look at your existing wardrobe and ask yourself what colours and shapes make you happiest.
        1) Go to formalwear places, or department stores, somewhere where you can try a lot of stuff on.
        2) Try a lot of stuff on! But do small batches, and take in a couple of sizes of each thing just in case the sizing is off.
        3) Don’t talk yourself into anything. Pay attention to what makes you happy or smile, to what’s comfortable. If there’s just one thing wrong with it, put it back. It should feel better than what you already have. If it’s “almost right”, there will be definitely be something better.
        4) Don’t let anyone else talk you into anything. You’re just looking for something that will make you smile in the mirror and move comfortably. You don’t have to know clothes for this, just know yourself.
        5) Pace yourself and enjoy the process. Take breaks. Get lunch, look in a favourite hobby store or art gallery to refresh your eyes.

    15. star*

      I went to a wedding where the bride wore a formal white crop top (I think also with a bolero jacket) and wide leg trousers and looked amazing!

  17. BellaStella*

    Another question: A couple of weeks back there was a thread on non news websites to read including AL Daily (Arts and Letters Daily) – thank you for that recommendation, I love the site. Do you have any other non news websites to read? My go tos now are AAM, Longreads, Windy and weather sites, Captain Awkward, AL Daily and associated sites from there, and The Root (sometimes has news but also general other info). I have decided for me at least to stop my Facebook, my political blogs, and all news minus some local stuff where I live in Europe. Any cool sites appreciated.

    3. GoryDetails*

      The History Blog is fun (thehistoryblog.com); there are daily posts about various history-related news items or publications around the world. Some deal with the recovery of stolen items, others with the restoration of artworks or archaeological finds, and so forth. There’s a recent one on “Aztec skull whistles” that includes links to sound-clips so you can hear the screaming sound they make {wry grin}.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        I adore The History Blog! Those Aztec skull whistles are really something. That must have been one REALLY different society to have invented those things. (clearly it was, from what we know)

        2. Rocklynn*

          I went to the blog and browsed through some posts and immediately wanted to mention the Aztec skull whistles too. Gave me goosebumps listening to them!

          Very cool blog, and I’m impressed that it looks like they post every day. Maybe this can replace my bad habit of scrolling through Reddit.

          1. Chauncy Gardener*

            The guy who runs the blog seems super knowledgable and very in tune with what’s going on in the “industry,” if you will

    4. Janesfriend*

      I read Cup of Jo (lifestyle) and Go Fug Yourself (fashion and entertainment) daily and enjoy them both. I am also trying to avoid the clusterfuddle of world news at the moment.

  18. Lifelong student*

    My refrigerator died the day before Thanksgiving so the turkey got too warm and had to be tossed away. It started snowing yesterday- when we planned to go refrigerator shopping. Tried to get out- but the roads were impassible. Cars stuck all over the place. We have had at least two feet of lake effect snow since it began- and more predicted today and tomorrow. We parked the car on the allowed side of the street yesterday- but the city delared a snow emergency which meant it was on the wrong side- and it is now buried under not only the snow that fell- but also what the plow pushed into it! We are not young and it will be an awful job to get it out! How I wish young people still tried to make a few dollars clearing snow!!

    1. Seashell*

      Sorry about your turkey! My fridge died a couple of months ago, so a lot had to get to tossed, and I once had a mix-up about getting the crockpot plugged in for a holiday roast, so been there, kinda done that.

      I have occasionally seen high school kids looking for snow shoveling work in a local Facebook group. Otherwise, we sometimes get guys ringing our doorbell offering to shovel – I think they’re usually landscapers who aren’t as busy in the winter.

    2. Morning Reader*

      They do! At least where I live not just the youths but many people trying to make a buck doing gigs. The difference is they are not knocking on doors with shovels in hand, they are (probably) waiting online. Tap into your network, ask neighbors and friends who they use, get on social media (Nextdoor?) to request help. If you are “not young” it’s about time to get some help lined up anyway.
      I’m in similar situation although we only have a light glaze here. I’ve decided to hire Snow Plow Guy this year but I can still clear my walking paths myself.

      1. WellRed*

        Agree with all this. Put the word out for now and the future. Lots of employed and underemployed looking for quick cash.

      2. Girasol*

        Second this: kids looking to do shoveling tend to be asking for work on the Nextdoor app. (It’s a great place to look for people who do all kinds of work you might need.)

      3. Busy Middle Manager*

        This is good to hear, I was going to say, young people probably don’t want to try to solicit people because they got so many rejections in the past. It’s not that the business is out there but alot of people angrily and reflexively say “no” when you go door to door like that

    3. Florence Reece*

      The options for shoveling have been covered, so I just want to say: what a stressful start to a holiday weekend! It sounds like your minds are whirring right now, understandably. Not sure if it would help you, but personally I’d use some time today to find a few leads for the shoveling and maybe find a few refrigerators I’d like to check out next week. Then I’d mentally check those off the list and try to focus on less-stressful stuff for now. You can only do so much while you’re snowed in. I hope you get some better luck soon!

  19. Autumnleaf*

    Question about books on shelves: I have many bookshelves in several rooms. Some of the books are dusty, sometimes I see small animals (1mm or less) on top, and some of them have just been on their shelf for a decade (e.g. encyclopedias). Now I am adding a couple of boxes worth of books, so I want to rearrange them all.

    How do I clean the books and ensure all is well before I mix books from different origins? The vacuum cleaner doesn’t seem able to pull off everything – suggestions welcome!

    How do I keep my future collection in better shape?

    I know there are many librarians and book lovers here, so please advise this amateur at storing books. Thank you!

    1. WellRed*

      Do you mean insects? If so, is it an occasional creature or do you have some infested books? A vacuum attachment will work wonders for dust on the book edges. As long as books aren’t subject to damp conditions or food, they stay stay in good condition. If you have any that aren’t in good condition (like moldy) toss them.

      1. WellRed*

        To add, I worked in a university bookstore. Student workers were tasked with fanning through used textbooks to ensure clean, dry, bug free. Do the same with your new boxes.

      2. Autumnleaf*

        I think there are dust mites on the edges of the pages (not inside) the books. No mold – all is dry. Thank you, WellRed, for the tip about using a vacuum attachment, it’s now on my eclectic wish list.

        Can I fumigate or something? I did try to ask The Internet but my search terms must have been wrong. (Not that there’s a whole infestation, just dots along the tops of the books on some shelves.)

        1. Former used book seller*

          The dots on the top of the book block is called “foxing” and is not unusual in old books stored imperfectly. (That’s not an accusation, mine aren’t either!) You won’t get them out.

          The bugs concern me, though. Definitely worth investing further. I agree, flip through some books to be sure the insides are fine and you don’t have a bigger problem!

        2. fhqwhgads*

          Dust mites are not visible to the naked eye. Not saying they might not be there, but you wouldn’t see them.

    2. Rocklynn*

      I use a hand duster (the kind that’s a plastic stick with a zillion loose fibers on one end) to dust the tops of my books every few months. I’ve also used soft bristle paintbrushes and old makeup brushes my mom gave me.

      “Dust mites” are microscopic, so the bugs might be something else. What do they look like? Maybe booklice? Tiny silverfish? If you have plants nearby, maybe they’re spidermites?

    3. Shiny Penny*

      Debulk the dust with a vacuum, and then use swiffer-type dust cloths to get the remaining dust.
      I got a vac attachment that is a bundle of micro tubes, so dust goes in but it can’t “grab on” to larger objects. Gotta say, don’t waste your money unless your dust is very light! If pet hair is sprinkled in the dust, or if the dust is super thick, then the tiny tubes just clog. And also, the cluster of tubes can accidentally gouge into the books.
      So I’m back to debulking with a regular vacuum. I hold my fingers over the regular (dedicated to books) crevice tool so my fingers function as the protective bumpers and the end of the crevice tool cannot suction onto anything.
      For the dust cloths, I get “dry baby wipes” off Amazon, which are totally a cheaper sub for swiffer cloths— very soft, with a useful static charge effect. I cut them at least in half, and use a fresh one when I move to a new area of books. ( I am creeped out by the idea of spreading yuck between books.)
      No advice re possible insects… Just sympathy!

      1. Shiny Penny*

        (Sorry, my first sentence was meant just as a description of what I do— not as an instruction!! Lol, I am not a professional! Just a person with lots of books, and a large dog dedicated to bringing volumes of dirt indoors :)

    4. Autumnleaf*

      Thank you all! I will arm myself with appropriate vacuum doodahs and find something with which to magnify and identify the tenants – who are apparently not dustmites, so I learned that too. Work will commence over the holidays!

  20. Sigh Literally Why*

    My spouse and I have separate finances (not up for debate) and he’s got $10k on his credit card, which he’s paying off using a bonus from work in the coming months. The figure is from buying a car bc ours was breaking down (we got the cheapest), plus expenses for a wedding (we didn’t attend funerals for cost but this one was the first/only time in ages our kid would meet family), plus groceries as spouse gets dietary snacks bc of allergies (think: egg) plus all diapers/purees as toddler is not yet potty trained/very picky, and pet sitter (necessity since no family nearby). Spouse barely spends money on anything (we’re an open book and see each other’s phones/emails all the time bc daycare notifications etc.). We use hand me downs and I thrift buy all clothes. Spouse wears the same clothes for ages (washing obvi). We both make low six figures and have just 1 kid with an affordable mortgage (I cover $2k monthly daycare) but seriously, how do people manage these days!? I’m seriously surprised people with 2/more kids aren’t teetering on the brink of homelessness. I see people bringing 2 kids to daycare ($6k/month) and have 2 large cars and it boggles the mind.

    He has an Excel spreadsheet and we’re itemizing the largest big-ticket items but they all are necessities. We even cut cable months ago.

    Tl;dr: How can we cost-cut our grocery list if a lot of it is allergies based? Who else is dealing with crippling daycare costs and can actively commiserate?

    1. Coffee*

      just started our second kid in daycare and we’re only totaling about $3,000 a month and it’s painful. it’s been hard to cut the food bill because the toddler is very picky and we don’t even have dietary restrictions. so no advice just commiseration

    2. WellRed*

      Is the problem really the cost of allergy safe groceries? Are you and spouse feeling financially strapped? Start by Looking at total monthly household income vs necessary expense (mortgage, daycare etc and by necessary I mean truly necessary for living) vs debt load. The smartest thing I ever did was have a financial person look at all this for me and confirm that I wasn’t crazy and there was nowhere major to really cut costs. This may not sound helpful today, but I’m guessing something is out of whack and you it will help to identify it.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Agree +100. We track our expenses in detail for 2-3 months each year to see where we’re spending money and where we can cut back. It really helps to see the the “micro” expenses that really add up.
        Would it be possible to make more food from scratch vs buying premade? That’s the one thing that jumps out at me from what you’ve said.
        And yes, daycare is in$ane, and this too shall pass
        Good luck!

    3. Aquamarine*

      Regarding groceries… will beans work? Several years ago near the dry food bins at a grocery store, I saw a sign on some dry black beans that said, “cheapest source of protein.” I’ve added a lot of bean dishes to the menu (there are so many ways to cook them), and I really do save a lot. Obviously, it won’t work for everyone, but just a thought.

    4. Not A Manager*

      If the question is specifically grocery costs, I am carefully and trepidatiously suggesting not catering to the picky toddler. I know this is a very inflammatory issue, but kids in other cultures eat all kinds of culturally-appropriate foods, so there’s nothing magic about whatever your child prefers at the moment. If you train your child to be picky now, they will continue to be picky as they get older and you’ll be stuck buying expensive packaged food for them and making separate meals.

      It won’t harm your child if you puree or lightly mash whatever you’re eating for dinner, and offer it to them. I did best by giving the child a reasonable range of foods to choose from, including at least one that was a historical success, and letting them self-feed whatever they wanted without comment. Requests for a different menu were cheerful ignored. I also provided a low shelf of self-serve snacks that were acceptable to me, that they could access at will.

      I’m NOT saying you should do what I did, obviously you need to do what works for your child and your family. But it did save me money, time and aggravation to be able to serve my growing kids (roughly) whatever the adults were eating.

      1. Coffee*

        your suggestions are reasonable but please avoid assuming that those of us with picky kids are training our kids to be picky

        we did exactly what you did and he just started refusing. so we offer him whatever we are eating at dinner plus fresh fruit and whole wheat bread and the veggie he will eat. some days we get lucky and he tries what we’re eating but most days we don’t.

        he won’t just cave when he’s hungry – he just melts down.

        1. Washi*

          Regardless, none of the safe foods you mention is that expensive! I have a toddler who needed feeding therapy to adjust to solids so I get it, but giving him hummus or a piece of cheese when I know he’s going to hate what the adults are eating does not add substantially to our grocery budget.

        2. Not A Manager*

          Yes, I’m so sorry it sounded like I meant you were training them to be picky. What I really meant was reinforcing the naturally picky behavior. Not that my opinion matters, but I think offering the child whatever you are eating PLUS a few adult-selected, reasonably child-friendly options is great and that’s certainly what I did.

          What I’m referring to – and again, I understand that children have different needs and families have different priorities – is a situation where upper elementary school age kids are given a separate meal of chicken nuggets or melted cheese sandwiches because they won’t eat adult food. And I do think that frequently those patterns get established in toddlerhood.

        3. Jill Swinburne*

          Yeah, same here. Mine actually starved herself on a 25-hour trip on two planes because she wouldn’t even consider trying the food. We managed to get two pots of strawberry yoghurt and a box of raisins into her that whole time.

          She has always been offered a variety of other food, but I suspect that part of our problem was that the COVID lockdowns happened in a formative period where a lot of food was scarce and we didn’t have the spoons to do anything interesting anyway.

          People whose kids eat anything always assume it’s to do with their parenting, but like everything else it’s highly dependent on the individual child.

          1. Jill Swinburne*

            Though: ‘starved herself’ was a poor choice of words. ‘Chose to refuse all food then got extremely hangry and complaining about being hungry’ would have been better. Then it was a challenge to feed her for the duration of the four-week trip because she genuinely struggled with things being different. She has since admitted that she’s just a bit scared to try new things, which I assume with gentle encouragement she will outgrow.

          2. Filosofickle*

            I used to think poorly of picky eaters, believing it to be willful and whiny — and yep I thought parenting was a big input. Other than a few aversions, mostly texture, I’ve always been a pretty good eater. But later in life my aversions have multiplied and amplified and now I find myself to be picky eater with tremendous empathy for those kids! I totally get it now. Honestly, feeding myself is a battle every day and sometimes there is literally nothing that sounds edible or will even go down. The hungrier I get, the worse it gets. It’s a horrible, horrible cycle that sometimes sends me into total shutdown. (This is one of the things that pointed me toward being AuDHD. A lot of my symptoms were much less severe in the past but perimenopause ugh.) Never again will I espouse anything like “they’ll eat when they’re hungry enough”.

      2. Samwise*

        Agreed. Very unlikely a child will starve themselves. What are reasonably healthy foods the child will eat? Have that on hand. Then have the child taste other foods first. Our rule was You don’t have to eat it, but you do have to taste it. It can take a lot of tastes to get to like or at least tolerate a food

    5. Autumnleaf*

      You ask, “How can we cost-cut our grocery list if a lot of it is allergies based?” and I recommend budgetbytes dot com in the hope that you can find recipes that work for your household.

      Budgetbytes’ meal plans with aggregated shopping lists are _wonderful_ for making real food on a daily basis in a busy household. I’ve marked my family’s individual preferences for each meal on the monthly overview, too (love/ will eat/ won’t eat), making a sport out of trying new recipes and improving my planning.

    6. Golden*

      You sound a lot like me! You’re not alone, hugs if you want them. We also have a toddler in daycare in a HCOL and require more expensive food due to my celiac disease.

      Where are you doing your shopping, and do you have a lot of storage space? I find that a Costco membership (or other similar warehouse stores probably) is totally worth it for the savings that come with buying in bulk (both food and diapers, especially if you shop their sales). I’m not sure about your family’s specific allergies but at least for gluten free, things are affordable at Costco that are definitely not at other places. The caveat is that you need a decent amount of space to store the stuff since it comes in such large quantities. The previous owners left us an extra fridge in the garage so this helps.

      I also do most cooking at home as opposed to buying pre-made stuff, and typically base my recipes off of what is on sale.

    7. Highlighter Cat*

      I don’t know how people are getting by!

      When we had 2 kids in daycare we were very tight (getting closer to that again with 2 teens-a teen driver will get us there). I had (and still have) an affordable weekly meal rotation. I buy it all online and then don’t buy extra stuff-again hard with a football player.
      Monday-rotisserie chicken , rice & veggies
      Tuesday-tacos
      Wednesday-sausage and pasta
      Thursday-pork tenderloin
      Friday-cabbage ramen salad with whatever is left
      Saturday-Costco pizza
      Rinse & repeat
      My family didn’t know they had the same things for dinner every week until they heard me talking about it. I do mix it up, change sauces and starches but it’s very easy and affordable

    8. Abigail*

      I would focus more on adjusting the budget on the larger line items. Can you refinance your mortgage or vehicle loan?

      Clipping coupons and cutting cable is great, don’t get me wrong, but you can make more effective change on the bigger items.

      1. Washi*

        Yeah if both spouses are making 6 figures, I would guesstimate they are taking home maybe 15k monthly? Sounds like daycare is 3k plus let’s say 3k mortgage, 1k health insurance, 1k car payment+insurance, 1k pet sitter, 1k all utilities/internet, 1k credit card payment. I feel like some of these must be overestimates, and yet it leaves about 4k for groceries, miscellaneous expenses, and savings. It’s hard for me to believe that, I don’t know, $50/month in specialty snacks is what is breaking the budget? I feel like I must be missing a major expense in here somewhere.

        (I assume the comment about daycare being 6k was for 2 kids, even in a VHCOL are I’ve never heard of it being that high for 1 kid, since that is 72k/year which would pracipay for a nanny.)

        1. Washi*

          But to answer the other question, we make way less money but can afford a second kid because daycare is “only” $1300/month in our lower cost of living area. We also intentionally have no pets to save money.

        2. Sigh Literally Why*

          Thanks…we actually have closer to $2k take-home pay which I stash in savings in my account for kid’s future and rainy day budget and kid’s essential supplies. The other $2k-$3k is a combo of health insurance, 401k from salary/similar, plus spouse’s ongoing medical needs (autoimmune condition requiring supplies and immunosuppressant meds). There’s nothing we can cost-cut unless we subtract from our retirement matching, or remove health insurance entirely, or stop covering daycare (there’s nothing cheaper/safer in the area).

          1. WellRed*

            Now I’m really confused. The two of you together bring home $2k monthly? On two six figure salaries?! Maybe I’m misunderstanding. Are these US dollars?

            2. Lewis*

              I’m somewhat confused too, so I wanted to backtrack and clarify with OP. Are you using “low six figures” to mean $62,000 a year (starting with a six) instead of >100,000? Or do you live where there’s a fairly high cost of living, ie your housing costs are half your take home pay (salary after taxes and deductions, but before any utilities or food spending)?

            3. Morning Dew*

              I read it as from their monthly take-home income, $2000 goes to the savings account for kid & rainy day budget. I could be wrong.

              1. fhqwhgads*

                I read that the same way and am even more confused. I mean, I’m trying not to go too far afield from the question, which at its narrowest interpretation is about saving on groceries…but if you’ve got 10k in cc debt, paying that down sooner will probably be better long term than continuing to save that much and carrying the debt. Like, the groceries do not seem to be the problem here. There may be small ways to decrease the grocery bill that everyone’s already posted, but it’s unlikely to be a major dent in the budget. Rainy day fund and retirement are important for sure. But if you’re at the point of looking for what to cut from every day necessities, saving a bit less for a few months to knock down some debt is a good thing to do.

        3. data*

          Just to share figures: I make low 100,000, and take home ~5000/month after health insurance. I live in a place with relatively high income tax. I know some places don’t have that.

        4. is the math right ?*

          I’m not getting 15k/mo after taxes/withholdings.
          Let’s say $200k combined pretax. 40% tax bracket, brings them down to $120k take home.
          That’s $10k/month. All the rest of the expenses are post-tax, so I can see it being a tight squeeze.

          Though that’s something to look at – are you getting a tax refund at the end of the year ? If so, maybe talk to a financial person and see if you can adjust your withholdings so you get more money in your pocket during the year.

    9. Sunflower*

      The first thing you need to do is figure out what you’re actually spending on what. IME people who feel strapped are usually quite off base in their guessing of where their money is going. The best way to do this take your expenses from the last 3-6 months and average them out by category. That should be quite eye opening but that is the first step to take- then see what seems large and start working from there.

      Generally for groceries, pick your top 10 most purchased items and research the grocery stores in your area that has them- buy them from the store that has the lowest price. This means several trips to different stores but it’s the most effective way to cut down on costs.

    10. Glomarization, Esq.*

      When I was a single parent, there were two things I had to do to keep my budget under control. One, I had to track every single penny in and out. I didn’t have a complex system; I would just keep receipts and write everything down when I got home from the store. Two, I made meals from scratch and pretty much completely eliminated the following:

      – Alcohol
      – Meals out (including lunch)
      – Takeout and delivery meals
      – Takeout coffee and vending machine snacks
      – Convenience foods as much as humanly possible

      I also kept the thermostat low in the winter and high in the summer. The more honest and scrupulous I was with this little system, the more leftover cash I had at the end of the month after paying the bills.

    11. HannahS*

      It’s hard for all the reasons people are saying. We have two incomes (both two figures) and in a very high COL place in Canada. We have a toddler and are expecting a baby in the summer.

      We keep our grocery bill down by:
      -making all my daughter’s food; the only thing we bought her when she was an infant was her oat/grain cereal.
      -we shopped mostly at a discount grocer
      -we did not buy prepared snacks for anyone in the family, except for bags of cheddar crackers (goldfish and the like,)
      and juice boxes (because my husband won that argument)
      -we brown-bag our lunches and cook dinner at home every day
      -we eventually did a cost-analysis and bought a cheap bread machine; after 4 months of use it had paid for itself
      -eating a lot of vegetarian meals

      I say all of this not the least bit sanctimoniously; I truly cannot spend energy judging how other people eat. We found that our grocery bill was the largest category of spending that was modifiable. From-scratch is almost always cheaper. If you want to hear more about how we snack cheaply/feed a toddler cheaply, let me know. But also, just know that OMG I get it! It’s so hard, and the financial squeeze is from all directions.

    12. The gourmet cupcake*

      Is there a trusted teen who could babysit? While my mom’s friend was looking for work, I babysat her kid at my house for a couple hours every day. Depending on what you are able to do, it could be more affordable.

      1. The gourmet cupcake*

        Also are there programs for reduced cost daycare? My mom’s friend found one near us, and that turned out to be a really good option.

    13. Rara Avis*

      My husband and I are both teachers, so we don’t make six figures, and we live in a city just declared the most expensive in the US. Is it your housing cost that makes it so hard to keep up? We made it through the daycare years without having to cut everything to the bone.

    14. Edward Fairfax, Rochester, NY*

      Create a zero-based allocated spending plan for each set of two pay periods, so over roughly 30 days, and agree to follow it exactly. Determine where you can cut back. You may be very surprised at where you are spending the most money! Also, consider working second jobs to increase your income. It will probably take about three or four months to fine tune the spending plan.

    15. Not A Manager*

      I don’t know if you’re getting more advice here than you wanted, but re-reading your OP I see a line about budgeting and a line about groceries & allergies.

      I found tracking spending to be essential in good budgeting. Not just big-ticket items, but all expenditures. I used to download the .csv statements from my credit cards and bank statements and paste them into Excel, but I know other people get good results from budgeting software. My key was clear, useful itemizing. You want a way to see how much of your food budget is going to, say, fancy allergy snacks or special toddler food. (Or whatever, those are just examples. Could be ordering in, or vet bills, or lawn care.)

      It’s possible that you could trade time for money and try to make some allergy-friendly snacks at home rather than buying them. As HannahS said, it’s almost always less expensive to cook from scratch than to buy packaged food, and a bonus is you get to control exactly what goes in it.

      Even for one person, I buy all my non-perishables at Costco, I bake my own bread, and I batch cook and freeze. I would probably buy an instant pot before I’d buy a bread maker, if you don’t already have one, because it really does allow you to make broth from bones, or cook a batch of beans, very quickly.

    16. Ellis Bell*

      I cut my food bill down recently, because with prices rising and my gluten intolerance it was getting bananas. The thing I did was to start going through the food receipt and trying to nibble down the highest cost items (could we do without? make ourselves? buy in bulk? cheaper elsewhere? substitute?). I ended up bulk buying beef mince (the cheapest meat cut where I am) and batch cooking meat sauce that can be made into Bolognese/chilli/lasagne/nachos/enchiladas. I also bought more cheap beans and pulses to make lentil soups and dhals. Beans also make meat go further. I discovered that even premade spicy bean burgers are cheap! I make my own flatbread and pizza base with an easy internet recipe. In your shoes it might be cost effective to get a blender for your kids purees and toddler size freezing pots. Kids love to be a part of making their own food, if that suits your particular kid. You’re not going to achieve it overnight though, and it’s stressful identifying savings. Really fun when you manage a new one though.

  21. Rocklynn*

    What should I do with an unwanted headboard?

    My sibling left a wooden headboard in my parents attic when they moved out. I’m trying to slowly get rid of the other stuff they left behind (they of course refuse to take anything unless I box it up for them so they can take it directly to a charity). I’m not sure what to do with the headboard since they claim it won’t fit in their car.

    I haven’t checked the condition of it, but it’s a nice headboard. Is that the type of thing that someone might take if we left it at the curb (I’ve seen other people leave furniture at the curb, but never a headboard)? Does anyone know of charities that might take it? (I’ve looked a few local ones, but they say they only take “small furniture.” One specifically mentioned not taking bed frames—is a headboard part of a bedframe?)

    1. Not A Manager*

      Yes, leave it on the curb. Some localities will also allow you to schedule a “large item pickup” when the garbage truck comes by. I would sometimes schedule the garbage pickup but leave the item out overnight with a small sign, and it was usually gone before the garbage truck arrived.

      1. Rocklynn*

        If it ends up being in bad shape, we do have a “large item pickup” we can schedule for I think $20 or $30. So in that case I could leave it out for a week and then schedule the large item pick up (I think it has to be paid in advance, so it’d suck if someone took it after I paid it).

    2. Highlighter Cat*

      Do you have a local Buy Nothing group on Facebook? You can post a picture and someone may want it

    3. WellRed*

      Yes people will take a headboard. Are you on social media at all. Post a curb alert or post in a buy nothing group.

      1. Rocklynn*

        I just checked Habitat for Humanity, but they don’t list headboards on the list of acceptable furniture. When I was looking at the nearest location, I remembered there’s a GoodWill in the same area though. I’ve never been there before, but their website says they accept furniture (no mention of not accepting anything specific). If the headboard hasn’t been damaged from being in the attic, maybe I can get it over to them.

    5. Generic Name*

      When my ex left a wooden bed behind, I lived with it for years, although it held bad memories. One day I decided to be rid of it, so I chopped the wooden parts into small bits with an axe. Very cathartic :)

      1. Rocklynn*

        I can see that being cathartic (and it’s practical because it must have made it easier to throw out in the trash)! If the headboard is in really bad shape, I might have to do that too. (It looked fine from where I was standing, but there’s some stuff piled in front of it and it wasn’t covered. I need to get it down to where there’s good light and make sure there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s solid wood and looks pretty nice, so I’m hoping someone else can use it.)

        1. Generic Name*

          Honestly, plenty of folks would love to have a solid wood headboard, even in imperfect condition.

    6. SarahKay*

      Is there a Freecycle network in your area that you could use? If not Freecycle, something similar?
      My sister bought a house that came with those big eighties fitted wardrobes. She put them on Freecycle with the proviso that anyone who wanted them had to be able to take them apart and carry them downstairs. They were gone within a week.

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        I’d try Freecycle. Even if the condition isn’t great, it could be restored/upcycled/cut down to a painting board/whatever an imaginative person can come up with.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      Freecycle, buy nothing, offer up for free, craigslist free, etc. SOMEONE will take it, almost certainly.

    8. Anonymous Cat*

      Do you live in an area where people have space and tools to do woodworking projects. Someone might want the wood to reuse.

      If yes, then I’d leave on the curb with a FREE sign. Someone will drive by and snap it up for themselves or a relative.

      I knew a guy who would follow the sounds of chainsaws and if it was city workers cutting down trees/branches, ask to take some away. They were usually fine with it.
      Less to clean up and he got free wood!

  22. Lazybones*

    how do you get yourself to leave the house when it’s cold and dark? I’m supposed to be on my way to the theatre, and instead I’m on the sofa under a blanket. All day I’ve been intending to go and…I just haven’t gone. It was a Meetup thing, I’m not letting anyone else down – I think that’s part of the problem. if I was meeting a friend I would have gone, but no-one will care that I’m not there. But I’ve paid for the ticket, and it wasn’t cheap.
    this happens all the time – I’m OK if I go out straight from work, but if its the weekend and I’ve been home and comfy all day, I just can’t get going. Should I give up trying, and stop wasting money? It’s too late for tonight, but should Future Me not sign up for things, knowing that when it comes to it I won’t go, or is there a way of motivating myself? Now I’m going to be spending the whole weekend without talking to anyone, and I’ll be really annoyed with myself tomorrow

    1. WellRed*

      Honestly, I don’t sit on the sofa with a blanket if I have plans looming. It makes it harder to get motivated! Sign up for earlier events? Focus on events where you don’t have to financially commit in advance?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Yes; basically, I don’t sit down, especially in a “let’s see what’s on Netflix” mentality. I will never get up again. I unload the dishwasher, sweep the floor, feed the cat… anything I can come up with for at least an hour or so before I’m supposed to go.

    2. Rocklynn*

      Do you usually run errands or go grocery shopping on the weekend? Maybe you could do that in the morning before the Meetup Thing, and then since you’re already up and doing things, it’ll be easier to go to the event?

      (But if you’d really rather stay home when the weather is cold and dark, maybe wait a few months to sign up for anything else when the weather is better.)

    3. Still*

      Prepare in advance to make it as easy as possible for yourself to go. Pick out your clothes, gather whatever items you might need with you.

      Maybe get dressed in advance. You can still sit on the sofa for an hour in your nice theater clothes, but it’s going to be easier to get up if you’re already dressed.

      Also, honestly, just take the decision out of it. When you’re sitting on the sofa and thinking about it and wondering if you really actually want to go? That’s nonsense. It doesn’t matter if you feel like doing it. Of course you don’t wanna go out when you’re all comfy on the sofa. If you’ve already paid for the tickets, you’ve already decided that you’re going. Don’t let yourself second-guess that. If it’s paid for and on the calendar, don’t let yourself even start considering skipping it.

    4. crookedglasses*

      I was just chatting with a friend of mine about how hard it is to get motivated to leave the house after dark in the winter. I do find it’s a little easier to stay out if I’ve already gotten out and about prior to the sun setting. so maybe piggybacking evening plans with something else beforehand?

    5. ReallyBadPerson*

      My go-to solution for this type of inertia is to put it on my calendar with an alarm that goes off several times. When it’s time to get ready, I shower (water really does reset your mood), and drink an espresso if I’m feeling tired.

    6. Sic Transit Vir*

      This is what works for me, although for myself there is a dose of anxiety in there that I need to combat a lot of the time as well, so this approach is meant to help deal with that too.

      I baby-step my way through it. As an example, there was a karaoke night a few weekends ago that I was waffling over going to. I was both cozy at home and nervous about it, and it was dark and rainy and gross outside, so my thought process went something like this:

      “Get off the couch and go to the bathroom… but that doesn’t mean you have to put pants on.”
      “Put pants on… but that doesn’t mean you have to put shoes on.”
      “Put your shoes on… but that doesn’t mean you have to leave the house.”
      “Leave the house… but you don’t have to go to karaoke.”
      “Go to karaoke… but you don’t have to sing and you can leave whenever you want.”

      Inevitably, once I do one thing it makes it easier to do all the things because… I’m already in motion, I might as well! And telling myself that it is OK to at least have made an effort even if I don’t end up making it all the way is a lot healthier than berating myself and feeling bad for not going to an event.

      I find this difficult to explain properly but I hope it makes sense. YMMV!

      1. Still*

        You’ve explained well, this is very good advice. Most of the time, I end up doing the thing, and on those few occasions I don’t, at least I know it’s not because of inertia.

      2. Lazybones*

        this is really helpful, thankyou. There’s definitely a dose of anxiety here too…I’m going to try this.
        also thanks to the commenters who have advised the “not sitting down”. Initially I didn’t think that would work, because I can’t spend the whole day Doing Things – but I did go out yesterday morning for a walk and some shopping, then came home and sat down, fatal mistake. Next time I will do the sitting in the morning, then go out before it gets dark and stay out.
        Thanks all!

    7. Aquamarine*

      Plan to leave the house when it’s still light even if the main event is after dark (get coffee before the theatre or stroll around a bookstore or whatever). That makes a big difference for me. Once it’s dark and cold, I start moving into hibernation mode.

    8. mreasy*

      I give myself lots of grace in winter and trim down my activities to those I’m really motivated by. Some folks are more affected by the cold and dark than others, and it’s okay to feel that way!

      1. Tulip*

        Agreed. This makes me think of the books _Wintering_ and _Laziness Does Not Exist_. Both interesting reads!

  23. Full of Woe*

    My mom may need to move very quickly into a retirement community (CCRC) and is asking for my help going through things and getting rid of stuff — all of which I suck at. (My house is a cluttered disaster.) I’m wondering if anyone has found good resources or has any advice on making this process less painful. Thanks!

    p.s. My mom is okay healthwise for her age but she is already 80 and if she doesn’t take this unit will likely have to wait until 2026 (est completion of new building) which makes us both uneasy.

    1. Wide calf mooo*

      I am getting divorced and finally got my own place. I put some boxes and bags of papers and things to go through right by the couch, so I can do it while binge-watching things I missed while raising children. I have three piles – recycle/ garbage, action/ important, or sentimental. I try to take a picture of the sentimental items and then recycle them.
      For clothes I put clean items on my bed, but I keep garbage bags and a pen in my bedroom so I can write DONATE on a bag or GARBAGE. I have 2 donate piles in general – one is general, can go to any donation or charity shop. The other pile is more specific, if I have someone in mind to donate that item to. I keep both donation piles by my front door. I try to take at least one item to my car every time I go to my car – I know where I can drop things off on my way to the next errand. For more specific people who I am thinking of with items, I try to text a pickup time as soon as possible.

      I would much much rather donate and just get things out of my house than wait for the perfect buyer and make a little bit of money. I am not rich but my time and space is valuable to me. Selling is different story and I can’t help there

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Selling is a waste of time unless we’re talking real collectibles, art, or other valuable stuff, and even then you have to connect with the right buyers. If that’s what’s going on, I would suggest an appraiser or estate buyer.

    2. WellRed*

      Hire a clean out company if you can afford it. If not I second the advice for trash/donate/special keepsakes/saleable.

      1. Rocklynn*

        I haven’t used them myself, but I looked up 1-800-Got-Junk?’s website after seeing one of their trucks around a while ago. They give free estimates and they make an effort to donate or recycle whatever they’re able to.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I’ve used junk hauling services several times and they’re always worth it–be mindful, though, that they charge by how much square footage is taken up in the hauling vehicle, so either use them for a few big pieces or lots of smaller stuff that you can condense.

        2. Cat and dog fosterer*

          The one in my area did not make any effort to recycle or donate, so I would sort through items ahead of time and bring anything potentially useful to a local charity shop, and only have the junk people take away the garbage.

    3. Kirin14*

      I’m in the process of selling our house and moving into an apartment, so not quite the same, but maybe you can get some tips that’ll help from my experience and thought processes.

      If you are moving from a large space into a smaller space-triage. What will you physically have room for/need furniturewise? Bed? Couch? Large dining room table and all eight chairs, or just the coffee table? Don’t necessarily get rid of unneeded furniture first, unless it won’t be used in the meantime and is super easy to get out of the house. Just think about it, let it percolate. What will the new space be like? Can you imagine trying to get that chair out the front door, up/down the stairs, into the new place?

      Next, what are you 100%, hands down keeping? Books? Movies? Art? Objects of sentimental value? This may or may not work for you depending on your moving timeline, but I packed up what I knew I wanted in this category that I wasn’t going to miss while it was in a box waiting to be moved. Watercolor supplies I knew I wasn’t going to be using before the move, books I wasn’t going to read, etc. This helps get the stuff you know you want out of sight and dealt with. Do the easy stuff first.

      Next, be ruthless. As an example, maybe that’s a good book, but when was the last time you read it? Are you actually going to read it again or do you just enjoy the fact that it exists on the shelf? We got rid of 75% of our books-it hurt! But realistically, we hadn’t reread any of them in such a long time and we just won’t have the space to keep them. I packed up everything I 100% had to keep-packing as I went definitely helped keep the volume in perspective as to how much stuff I was saying I was going to find a place for in the apartment. Next, anything that was an easy toss-books that I had read once, wasn’t particularly attached to, if I wanted to read again I can track them down, etc. We took several heavy boxes of books to a secondhand books store and got some dollars for them.

      Once the easy stuff is done, you’re left with the middling stuff-stuff you’re on the fence about. This stuff is the hardest to deal with, but by doing the easy keep/get rid of stuff first you can help ease your mindset into being able to cope with this category a little easier. For objects in this category-have you used it recently? Are you planning on using it in the near future? And be honest with yourself, do you have a concrete plan to do something with it or is it a “someday” thing? Are you keeping this “just because”? If you got rid of it, how easy would it be to replace? Is this thing here because you like the action/idea of having it, rather than because it is useful? (This was a decent chunk of our books, for example aspirational gardening books-we’re never going to end up using them as a resource anytime soon, we won’t have space for a garden anymore, but! If that changes and we want to try again, the information is not irrevocablely lost because we sold the book! We can find that information again!) Does it have sentimental value? Is there something in this category you can use to represent everything in the category instead of keeping every item in the category?

      Sometimes quick decisions are best, helps keep second guessing “well maybe we should keep that..” to a minimum. Our next step will be to rent one of those rollup dumpsters for a day, and be ruthless about filling it up. Having a big dumpster helps (me) mitigate my guilt about tossing something that’s “perfectly good/maybe useful” because it’ll be gone quickly and not taking up room in the regular house trash. If it can’t be sold or donated, and you don’t want it, it goes in the dumpster.

    4. Not your typical admin*

      Look into estate sale companies. They specialize in helping people go through this process. While there is a fee of course, they tend to get top dollar for most items because they usually attract a large crowd.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Yes, we used an estate sale agent after my parents passed. You just identify the stuff your mom will need and have room for in her new home. Bonus points if you can do the actual move before the date of the sale; no “discussions” with would-be buyers over stuff you don’t want sold.
        Our agent said not to throw away anything (other than shredding sensitive documents), because people buy the weirdest things. (She cited pencil stubs.) We showed a net gain, even after paying for a LOT of shredding.
        For another estate, which was a hoarding situation, we found a clean-out company that based their prices on not only volume but net of what they thought they could recoup from selling stuff. I think they were called Junk King or something like that. Again, label or remove whatever your mom will be keeping. IIRC, it cost us around $2K in 2020, for a 3 bedroom house with full basement, very hoarded and filthy.

    6. Rocklynn*

      Dana K. White wrote a good book on decluttering (Decluttering at the Speed of Life). I’m not sure it would really helpful for quickly going through an entire house, except may the “container concept.” Basically, you choose a type of thing and a container for it (a drawer, a box, a shelf, etc.) and you can only keep whatever will fit in the container. Like if your mom has a lot of books, decide that she can only keep whatever can fit in one bookcase and everything else has to be donated. If she has a collection of statues, she can only keep whatever will fit on one shelf. If she has a ton of shoes in the bottom of her closet, she can only fit whatever will fit on a shoe rack. You basically just put a limit on something you own a lot of to pare down your collection.

      1. MJ*

        I love Dana. She has a blog called A Slob Comes Clean that follows her decluttering journey. Dana currently blogs by podcast, but the early posts were text and you can start at the beginning and follow her in “real time” as she develops her methods.

        Dana’s Decluttering Questions:
        1. If I needed this item, where would I look for it? (take it there)
        2. If I needed this item, would it ever occur to me that I already have one? (If not, get rid of it because I’d just buy a new one if I needed it.)
        3. If this item broke, would I replace it?

        One of the things I like best is she doesn’t pull everything out and try to sort everything. She does one small section at a time. Which means if you get interrupted there isn’t a mess left behind.

        From the experience of some friends who recently downsized into a seniors residence – if you can have some overlap on moving dates, it allows you to see what fits in the new place and remove / bring stuff as you get settled. Then just do a final donation collection at the old place once you are happy.

        Good luck.

    7. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Estate sales companies will help! You go through and pull out what you want for yourself, they take care of the rest. They’ll sell everything from dishes to appliances to books to extra unopened bottles of shampoo in the bathroom. My neighbor loves to shop them for toiletries, laundry detergent, etc. which I had never even thought could be done.

    8. California Dreamin'*

      Is throwing money at it a possibility? I recently moved my mom (84) out of her long-time home. She was not a hoarder but definitely a packrat and at this point not capable of going through stuff herself. I did most of the going through everything, but it was time consuming. We hired a moving company that specializes in senior downsizing moves to actually do the packing up and moving and unpacking, but they also offered the service of assisting the senior with sorting and deciding what will come with and what will not. It’s a very expensive service but so worth it if your mom has the means. On moving day, the moving service just packed up and took the stuff that had been designated to go with mom. We left everything else behind exactly how it was and had a haul-away service come and take it all away.

    9. Generic Name*

      Will you have to pack up an entire house on short notice, or just move out on short notice? If there aren’t lease terms or looming mortgage payments that are financially infeasible, I suggest taking what she wants to the new place and then clearing out the old place. The suggestions above are great. Especially the blog post of clearing out a house!

    10. Harlowe*

      If you truly don’t think it’s feasible to work through everything in the time available, I’d rent a storage pod to have on hand for back-up. Create a “definitely toss” pile and a “definitely keep” pile. Anything you can’t easily sort into one of those two categories goes in the pod. Keep whittling, making the easiest decisions first, until you have a workable square footage of stuff.

      It isn’t the cheapest choice, but it may save you the heartache of throwing things you aren’t emotionally ready to part with yet.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Good advice from here was to have a “maybe” pile. Once you had sorted out the “keep” and “get rid of” piles, it was easier to judge how much of the “maybe” pile could realistically be added.

    13. LuckySophia*

      Definitely start by planning out what furnishings she must have/absolutely wants/will fit in the floorspace of her CCRC apartment. That will tell you if there’s room for, say, a bookcase…and thus, how many books she can reasonably take with her. (See if the CCRC may accept donations of any “extra” books for their residents’ community room.) Ditto for “kitchen stuff”… I think my auntie took a pared-down dish service for 4 (instead of 6, 8 or 12) because the little table only sat 4…. and she took some microwave-safe bowls/platters but no pots and pans, as the community didn’t allow actual stovetops/ovens in the unit she was in. Likewise, only 2 -3 sets of sheets and 1 or 2 blankets per bed…maybe 2-4 sets of bath towels/handtowels/washcloths. Minimizing kitchen and linen closet stuff will leave her some extra closet space to store treasured items (photo albums, etc) that might not otherwise have fit.
      Once you’ve defined all the stuff that’s definitely going with her…. then it’s a bit easier to look at the rest and go through the sorting of what to keep/trash/donate/sell/gift to relatives or neighbors. Best wishes to you and your mom.

    14. Girasol*

      Photograph keepsakes then put the photos in an electronic photo frame. That way she can “keep” a lot of space-taking precious stuff in a very small space. For the rest, like clothing and furniture, it may be helpful not to look at each item and ask “Do you want to get rid of this?” but “Will you need this in the new place?” Then move as much as possible of what’s left to a second hand store. Suggest to your mom how excited people will be to find something so nice at a price that they can afford. I find that it’s easier to give up old favorite things that I don’t really need anymore when I can think of how much someone else might love having them.

  24. Not your typical admin*

    Anyone else having an intentionally lazy day? I cooked all day Wednesday, hosted Thanksgiving for 13 Thursday, then cleaned and shopped most of yesterday. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the holidays, and love to host; but my goal for today is to not get out of my pjs.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      YES! We host, so the day after is always as immobile as we can make it, besides a walk with the dog.

    5. HannahS*

      I am happy for you and very jealous! I have an energetic 3 year old and relaxing weekends are not my life right now. Please enjoy it Extra Hard for me :)

      1. Not your typical admin*

        I remember those days well! We’ve moved on to the phase of staying up late to make sure my teens make it home safely from their outings. I’ve also learned that’s the time they tend to open up and want to talk. Exhausting, but in a totally different way.

    6. Forrest Rhodes*

      Absolutely, and I don’t even have the excuse of a busy Thanksgiving Day to recuperate from!

      Celebrated today by making an outstanding spinach salad (with bacon crumbles made from real bacon, thank you very much) in early afternoon; I’m still fiddling with the dressing recipe, but it gets better each time.

      Right now a pan of brownies is in the oven, I’m watching the USC-Notre Dame game in hopes that USC comes up with a miracle, and I have yet to need the putting-on of shoes today.

      A perfect Thanksgiving Saturday, in my book.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Yep. I ended up with a localized eye infection and got some antibiotics at the pharmacy after going to urgent care (it was giving signs of preseptal cellulitis and I wanted to get on top of it). While there, I decided on a whim to get the first shingles shot. Now I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Or do anything! I had to force myself to do laundry this morning (we still only have one working washer, so I do it as early as possible on Sunday morning).

  25. Aphrodite*

    Is there anyone on here who works or has worked for the post office? I am scrolling the letters to Santa as I do every year but I find myself discouraged to realize that my budget wouldn’t allow me to get much. Sometimes the kids ask, understandably, for brand names, electronics and more than is way outside my budget. Or they might ask for multiple gifts and I could only do one or perhaps two.

    If I take a letter and can only send one thing on it, does that mean it is the only thing the child will get? In other words, will the letter be removed from consideration by others? The letter I just read that broke my heart was a child wanting to live with mommy, not daddy. Or the mother who listed her eight children’s names and their ages. I’d really like to do this but I am beginning to wonder if it is simply out of my range to do so. I’d love to know more so I’d know if this is feasible for me.

    1. A313*

      I have no inside information.But from my experience, there are so many letters that maybe or even likely all of them don’t get chosen. In that case, you do what you can/are comfortable with, and maybe include a holiday card you can sort of personalize, as Santa’s elf/helper? I completely understand where you’re coming from, from a budget standpoint, and it’s so kind of you to want to participate! My experience is that especially for the toddlers and young kids, they love the surprise and opening a gift as much as the specific gift.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I was today years old when I learned that the USPS has an “Operation Santa” program for filling wishes from letters to Santa, so I’m afraid I can’t help with the details (unless some of it’s in a FAQ somewhere?). You might find it easier to look for holiday charities closer to you – gift-trees in your town, that kind of thing – where you might be able to offer some holiday cheer without quite as much angst.

      [My initial response to your post was to remember that scene from “Miracle on 34th Street” when a USPS worker, hand-sorting letters, sees one addressed to Santa at the court house (where the in-movie trial is taking place). He finds it amusing, but notes that there are always tons of letters to Santa that can’t be delivered according to USPS regulations, so they all wind up as dead letters. In the movie the clerk suggests to his manager that they deliver all the Santa letters to the courthouse instead, and however unlikely the whole thing is, it’s a delightful scene. Of course, it involves an actual Santa Claus, so there’s that…]

    3. fhqwhgads*

      I don’t work for USPS but according to their FAQ, yes if you “adopt a letter” it is taken out of circulation. It also says you’re not necessarily expected to purchase everything they ask for. It’s reasonable to pick a letter that, say, asks for three things and only send them one of them. It may not be the only thing the kid gets overall but will likely be the only thing they get from the program. HTH.

    4. Morning Reader*

      I didn’t know about this program either! I was looking for something like “adopt a family” but can’t find any listings in my area for that. Maybe I will try this! Most of my FOO is gone and I don’t have any grandkids (yet?) and I like getting kids presents. This reminds me to drop off the toys for tots I have in the car already.
      Anyway I would suggest looking through the letters for one that is a good fit for your resources, rather than pick one you can’t answer more or less fully. (I don’t know to what extent these letters are “wish lists” of everything a child can imagine, or curated by parents to more practical desires. The adopt a family approach recommends clothing presents and at least one requested gift item for each child.)

  26. Sad friends*

    Suggestions for supporting depressed (very close) friends or partners? I’ve asked them already but I think they’re just so tired and overwhelmed they haven’t got anything they can think of. I’m admittedly not doing super great right now but I have a strong support network, therapy, ok finances, etc. and I want to care for my loved ones in the ways I can.

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I’ve helped by:
      Cleaning when it became overwhelming and getting back to everything clean so they could just keep up was easier than tackling a big job.
      Laundry in the same situation.
      When I realized a loved one was struggling to take meds, I texted every morning for a few weeks until the meds were helping enough that it wasn’t needed any more. And then checking in periodically to see how that’s going.
      Listening without pep talking back.
      If it feels insurmountable to them, setting up a doctor’s appointment and driving them there.
      I’ve tried to be conscious of not taking on things permanently, but instead stepping up only to help through a particularly bad patch. And mostly, I’ve been successful. But I need to avoid codependency and care for my own mental health. Walking that line is something I need to be aware of pretty much all the time.
      And it’s exhausting. So make sure you do things for your own mental health, too. For me, it’s quiet time alone to play with art supplies and be creative. For you, it might be an uninterrupted walk outside, or time to curl up with a book, whatever. Take care of you.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Seconding this excellent advice. And adding perhaps cooking a batch of something they like that they can just heat up, so feeding themselves isn’t so overwhelming. Also bringing over some favorite fruit or other treats, Kind bars and the like, so they can keep themselves nourished. Being hungry and too overwhelmed to cook is a quick way to spiral, IMHO.

        1. Aquamarine*

          Yes to healthy, easy food I think. Otherwise, I just go for the chocolate and potato chips which makes things even tougher on my body.

          1. Ginger Cat Lady*

            What they will eat > what you think is “healthy”
            When I was diagnosed with cancer and struggling to eat during chemo, so many people brought me “healthy food” that was….not good food to me, did not digest well, and honestly felt like unwanted advice. Almost manipulative.
            Just feed them what they will eat, even if you think it’s not the best, most healthy, cleanest or whatever healthism adjective you currently adhere to.

    2. The gourmet cupcake*

      Sometimes it’s the little things. To help combat the holiday gloom, I’m going to make hot chocolate for my mom every day. She loves hot chocolate but never has the time to make it.
      Is there some 30 second thing you can do for them? It really is the thought that counts. :)

    4. Observer*

      I’ve asked them already but I think they’re just so tired and overwhelmed they haven’t got anything they can think of

      That’s a classic issue.

      You’ve gotten some excellent advice. Use that as a springboard for things in their life that seem simple but can be overwhelming.

      I just saw a clip where the person was saying “When someone is grieving don’t ask what you can do. Instead do something. Like when you’re at the grocery call and ask them what you can pick up for them. Or…” I don’t remember the rest of his suggestions. But very much the same holds true for depression as grief.

  27. PhyllisB*

    I almost forgot to tell y’all I got hearing aids this week!! These are trials for two weeks. It’s been a bit of adjustment, but I think I’m going to like them. I was amazed at how how loud everything is now. Even the turn signal in my car is louder!! I actually had to turn down the volume a bit. I mean, I’m not totally deaf without them, but they do help.
    I’m anxious to see what it’s going to be like at church tomorrow. I’ll report back. This is the main reason I wanted them; to be able to hear the pastor more clearly and to be able to hear better in a social setting. I think I’m going to like them.

    1. Chauncy Gardener*

      Congrats! Please do let us know how you like them and what adjustments, if any, you make. Where did you get them, btw? A big store or a small local place? Sorry if you mentioned that before.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I got them from the audiologist. I need to check my insurance to see if they pay anything (United Healthcare. Do any of you know?) We got something about hearing aids once, but because it didn’t apply to me then, I don’t know if I kept it. I hope so, the ones she recommended are $4800.00. And this isn’t the most expensive option!!
        Before anyone mentions it, I realize that hearing aids are available over the counter, but I want to make sure I have the most reliable ones and if I get them through her, I will have support if needed.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Thanks! I asked because a friend got hers at Costco and they’ve been a disaster from the start. She is finally going to a local audiologist and is amazed that they took an impression of her ear, etc.
          I feel like insurance doesn’t pay anything toward hearing aids, not sure why I think that, but I would call the insurance company to check.
          Good luck!

    3. ReallyBadPerson*

      I love this! I hope they work for you! A word of advice from my mother’s experience: tell your friends you have them so they won’t shout at you if they are used to doing that!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Yes!! I’ve been having to remind my husband. I kept telling him I don’t need you to be LOUDER, I just need you to get my attention and don’t have your head turned away from me. With the aids he can be turned away and I can still hear him.

    4. Mimmy*

      So glad you like them! I regret getting mine so late in life (mid-20s despite being hard of hearing my whole life). You don’t realize what you’ve missed.

    5. Morning Reader*

      Congrats, Phyllis! Some tips that may help for church: sit close to the front to hear the pastor because the aids don’t pick up well from a distance. Be ready to turn the volume down if the music gets going, especially if amplified or if you are close. (The “forte” on a piano has made me jump out of my skin, when I didn’t anticipate it.) When conversing in small groups afterwards, use a background noise reducing setting but remember to turn it back to regular afterward.

      1. Llellayena*

        Some of this will be location and hearing aid specific though. My mom just got them too. She sings in the choir and sits in the back directly in front of the organ. She’s fine hearing the pastor (he’s got a microphone) and she’s mostly fine with the organ because she can adjust the aids “forward only”. She does shut them completely off when the organist gets enthusiastic…

      2. PhyllisB*

        Thanks for the tips. We already sit close to the front (and on the other side of the church from the piano!!) Sunday morning is not too bad because he’s miked up, but at the Wendesday service he uses a handheld and doesn’t always remember to speak directly into it.

  28. acmx*

    Car or handheld vacuums! I’m looking for a cordless vacuum I can use for my car that works well with dog fur. I have limited experience with the dyson stick vacuum, wondering if anyone has other suggestions.

  29. An Aldi Thing*

    We got an Aldi in my part of the country and I went for the first time recently. And….I don’t get it. Why is it so popular? I felt like was shopping in an empty warehouse for food that fell off a truck. Is it just mine, I wonder?

    1. acmx*

      That’s an interesting description and I agree with that feeling! I’ve been to one myself not sure if the others in my area are the same.

      I think people like that you can get knockoffs for less money?

    2. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Aldi’s is not glossy, but the ones in our area carry good food at lower prices than most stores. Their European imports are impressive (it’s a German company), especially during Maifest, Octoberfest, and Christmas, and they have a wonderful cheese selection at all times, including imports. We alternate shopping there with our large local grocery chain, and a large international market. They also have some of the best employees of any store.

    3. Aldis*

      They have nice prepared meals/dishes, bakery, and frozen sections. It’s not a traditional grocery store and if you’re looking to buy the same things you’ll be disappointed, but they carry a lot of stuff traditional grocery stores don’t carry and have good prices for many things.

    4. Sunflower*

      Did you look at the prices? Their stuff is almost half the price of the local grocery store for comparable products. For people who don’t need 100 options and are willing to move a box or two to find what they are looking for, it’s totally worth it.

      Also their food is pretty good.

    6. Love the Aldi*

      I was an “Aldi Snob” for many years. Couldn’t see the draw for shoppers, thought it was a bunch of “crap” food, etc.
      Until I actually shopped at one, and couldn’t believe what I was walking out of the store with for $20.00, that would easily cost me 3X as much at other grocery stores in my town.
      One example (of many I could name): cheese cracker cuts. Aldi: $2.75. Other grocery stores in my town: $6.00
      Not sure what is the issue with yours, maybe just growing pains? All I know is I am an Aldi convert now, it is one of two stores my household shops at each week.

    7. Jay*

      Aldi shopping reminds me of my days working at KMart. I was occasionally ‘loaned out’ to other stores. Some were very nice, very well kept, and had a nice selection of good quality merchandise along side the knock-offs. Some were disasters. None of the good quality stuff and no efforts made to keep the place in good working order. I don’t know if this was a deliberate decision or not, or, if it was, who made it.
      Aldi seems to work the same way.
      I’ve tried my local one a couple of times.
      All the food I’ve gotten has been of very poor quality and they have none of those really impressive sounding cheese and import selections. What cheese they do have has always been stale and plasticky tasting.
      I’ve shopped at others while traveling out of state that have been as nice or nicer than the local big chain stores around here, and miles better than our Aldi.
      It all really seems to depend on the store.

    8. Cordelia*

      Why is it so popular? Because it’s cheap! Didn’t you notice a difference in the price, to what you would normally spend?
      I tend to alternate with ordering online from a more upmarket supermarket. But for the basic staples Aldi is great

    9. anon24*

      I think it’s location dependent. I used to shop a lot at one when I lived in one place and I could get a lot of stuff very inexpensively, but one thing I could never get was fruits or vegetables; every time I did they would completely rot faster than I’ve ever seen produce deteriorate. I bought lemons once and they looked amazing and literally the next day they were a pile of ooze; I’ve never seen anything like it. But I could get an entire week’s worth of groceries for $40 and then head over to another grocery store for whatever fresh fruit and veggies I needed.
      Where I live now the prices are still cheaper than the other stores but not as drastically different. The prepared frozen/refrigerated foods are really good and way cheaper than other places, and are probably my favorite things about Aldi. The few fruits and vegetables I’ve bought have been comparable to the other grocery stores. I rarely shop there because even though it’s cheaper it’s very inconvenient, they’re open shorter hours than other stores and it doesn’t fit well with my schedule. Also, I can never find everything on my (always small) list, so I end up having to make a trip to another store anyway. When I’m only buying 10-15 items total and can only find half at Aldi, it just isn’t worth my time to go to two stores when I can go to another store and get everything. Plus the one time I did find everything I needed at Aldi I still walked out with my single bag of groceries costing me $80.

    10. RussianInTexas*

      I like Aldi. Mine doesn’t feel like a warehouse, it’s way too small and cozy got it.
      They have some good deals, of you are ok with not buying a “brand”. Their kefir is significantly cheaper than a big brand, for example. Same for cream cheese. They have good bread and chocolate. Cheap basics like eggs, milk, canned beans, etc. They also have an interesting seasonal selection of German food, and cheese.
      Their produce and meats are hit or miss, and paper goods are quite expensive.
      It’s also the closest store to my house, literally half a mile. I adore the quarter for cart system, keeps the carts corralled instead of banging around the parking lot. And I can usually get in and out quickly, unlike with the “full” supermarket.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I have a ginormous and fabulous HEB for my main shopping. But it’s 5 miles away, you need to be strategic about the time of the day you shop, and it’s really not suitable for popping in after work or mid day.
        Now, if you excuse me, I should go to Aldi for some macaroons, stuffed cherry peppers, and chili orange chocolate.

        1. CtheRocker*

          I don’t live in Texas, but when I visit family I go to HEB as often as possible. Best grocery, service, and cleanliness in the USA!!!

    12. RagingADHD*

      Our Aldi nearest home is very nice, well-organized, and the produce is excellent. The other one in town is cluttered and haphazard, so I think your experience may depend on the individual store manager.

      I like the more curated shopping experience so it is less overwhelming. Rather than ten different brands of granola (or whatever) that are nearly identical, there are two or three flavors that are easy to choose between. All the food I’ve ever bought there was very good quality, and there’s a nice selection of organic and gluten-free items.

      Also, the last time I researched it (which was several years ago) they had much stricter standards for human rights in their supply chain, so I felt more confident about the sourcing of their chocolate and coffee in particular.

    13. Not your typical admin*

      I love Aldi! Their prices are so much cheaper, and I love how efficient it is. Their seasonal aisle usually has some great deals.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I just came back from Aldi. The seasonal aisle got me.
        Three types of olives, two types of cream cheese stuffed peppers, sea salt caramel cream cheese.

    15. Might Be Spam*

      I really like having the quarter to use the shopping cart. My new car has been dinged on 3 different doors in grocery store parking lots. Two of the dings are really big because the wind really pushed the carts into my car. It never happens at Aldi’s.
      I’m afraid to call my insurance company because I’m sure that they will find it really suspicious. At this point I’m just leaving it the way it is.

    16. Elizabeth West*

      Love Aldi! I wish there was one closer to me. I have to drive all the way to Walpole. :( When I lived in OldCity, I had one four blocks away and did nearly ALL my shopping there, except for a few name brand things I had to have. Produce can be iffy, but mostly, the food isn’t bad and you never know what will pop up in the Aldi Finds section.

      I like packing my own groceries, too. The regular grocery never does it the way I want –when they have anyone bagging at all. Sometimes I just throw everything in the cart and wait until I get to the car where my reusables are stashed.

    17. WellRed*

      Can’t speak to Aldi’s but my god, All I wanted was salad veggies at Trader Joe’s. Slim pickings and not impressed with the other food offerings. Why is it so popular?

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I have never found TJ’s any good. That have some interesting things here and there, but I would never be able to do my actual grocery shopping there. And every TJ’s I’ve been to has an absolute battlefield for a parking lot.

      2. ItDepends*

        Trader Joe’s is great for a lot of stuff but produce isn’t one of them. Frozen foods, now frozen foods are fantastic.

    18. Dancing Otter*

      Decades ago, SAHM without a second car, I could walk to Aldi’s with my toddler in a wagon. For a normal grocery, I needed to take dial-a-ride, which only allowed one sack of groceries. Naturally, I tried to shop Aldi’s.
      They had no fresh produce, no fresh meat, and limited dairy. The canned goods were off-brand, which might have been OK, had they not also been dented. The store did not take coupons, checks or credit cards, and you couldn’t even *buy* bags. From the look, they might have mopped the floors only in months with an N.
      This was in a blue collar but not poverty-stricken suburb, in the 1980’s.

      Nowadays, I live in a solidly upper middle class suburban area, and the nearest Aldi’s is totally different. Admittedly, most things are not well-known brands, but the store is clean, the packages are undamaged, the refrigeration units work, and they take plastic. Needing a quarter to unlock a cart is still weird, but if going there didn’t involve driving past seven or eight other stores, I wouldn’t hesitate to shop there for staples at least.

      Was it a matter of time? Location? The store specific managers?

  30. Lady Sally*

    Kids and picky eating – the post above has me thinking about this. We have a 2 YO who is SO picky. He’s a happy, easygoing child until it’s time to eat, and every meal is a battle unless we just give him what he wants.
    I grew up in a strong “finish your plate or you’ll get it again for breakfast.” We’ve not taken that approach but we have two other kids who’ve learned to try at least a bite of something new, who eat their veggies, etc. But all our usual tricks and efforts are failing against our youngest. Some of it may be sensory/textures, but mostly seems to be just plain preference and he would rather not eat at all.
    However, his weight percentile is dropping and the ped says he has got to gain more weight. We’re adding protein shakes and protein powder to smoothies, etc.
    Any tips or tricks for helping a young child who may just be super picky still have a somewhat balanced and healthy diet?

    1. Kaleidoscope*

      investigate with a professional who deals in sensory/texture issues for kids.

      there’s also Instagram accounts like kids.eat.in.color which may be helpful.

      I applaud you for taking a different stance from the one you grew up with, it can be so difficult to do that!

      1. Cordelia*

        oh I was just joining to recommend “kids eat in color” too! Really sensible, practical advice from a dietician.

      2. Not That Jane*

        The OT practice where my son works on gross motor development also has a few therapists who specialize in sensory / fine motor issues related to food and eating. So pediatric occupational therapists may be a good place to start if you’re seeing texture/sensory issues. Good luck, I know it’s hard <3

    2. Jen*

      Every meal should offer a carb, a vegetable, a protein. And the kid should be allowed to eat whichever he likes as much of it as he likes.

      Let him have lots of milk if he likes that.

      If there is a food he likes that isn’t candy or sweets, make it for him as often as possible (rice, noodles, etc.)

      1. Observer*

        Let him have lots of milk if he likes that.

        A few things.

        Firstly, at his age, you need to give him whole milk only. Both because the higher fat content is better for his development anyway. But also because the lower fat milk is harder on a child’s stomach. And if your kid drinks a lot of milk, you may want to see if you can get A2 milk.

        In general, milk is a really healthy food for kids if they don’t have specific issues such as lactose intolerance or allergy, most commonly. But some kids also cannot handle the milk proteins, although in some cases it’s only the A1 beta casein (which is where the A2 milk comes in, as it doesn’t have the protein.) But even most children who can handle it don’t do well when they have too much.

        I’m going to agree with the folks who say that you should check out possible sensory issues. But also check for low level food allergies and sensitivities. Because sometimes it turns out that these aversions are a way of their body signalling “Nope. Not good for you.” Which is hard enough for an older child to tell an adult. For a 2yo? Not even possible.

    3. Cloudlet*

      I have had ARFID my whole life and your description makes me think of me as a kid. Maybe something to check out?

      1. Meep*

        As someone who is about to have a kid ARFID is so fascinating to me.

        My parents were very much “try it once and you never have to eat it again.” They never made any food sound “gross”. The only food I will not eat willingly is sour skittles.

        My husband’s family was the exact opposite. We tried to take his sister to a Med place and she thought chicken gyros were “weird”. Loves everything individually, but combined in a “foreign” way was out of line. And she was the adventurous eater according to their parents! His brother was eating PB&J sandwiches and chicken tenders into his twenties.

        Part of it was definitely my in-laws cooking skills, or lack of. Hubby hated salmon and steak until I cooked for him. Part is was how they presented food. Unless it was junk, it was automatically precieved as weird or gross.

        I am curious what is your experience growing up, if you don’t mind?

        1. Cloudlet*

          Hi Meep, thanks for your curiosity! I’m not quite up to sharing personally but there are some good stories at the Beat website (Google “arfid beat uk” or similar, not sure if I can post links here). Always good to spread awareness!

    4. Arabesque*

      I haven’t tried it myself but I’ve read that Feeding Littles has so tricks for picky eaters. Might be something to check out?

    5. HannahS*

      Personally, I decided that I was not interested in making food a clash of wills; my husband and I were both picky eaters and outgrew it with time (a lot of time, in my case–I pretty much only ate cucumbers, baby carrots, and broccoli as my vegetables until high school), and I don’t think it would have been to my benefit for my parents to force me to eat, even though French kids all eat pate or whatever.

      We put a balanced meal on the table with one thing we know our kid will eat, and if that’s all she eats we don’t sweat it (sometimes that means that her dinner is rice.) As long as she eats a relatively balanced diet over the course of the week, I don’t care meal-to-meal, though I realize in your case the issue might be that your child does NOT eat a balanced diet over the course of a week. If that’s the case, and with a kid who’s falling off their growth curve, I’d probably feed them whatever they’ll eat for calories, work on hiding nutrition in their food (smoothies are great for that!) and talking to my doctor about a introducing a multivitamin. For me, if my kid is falling off the growth curve, I would focus on ensuring they’re adequately nourished and avoid making the table a battleground. Either they’re just very stubborn and will outgrow it, or there’s something bigger at play that will declare itself with time. I’d keep in close touch with the pediatrician, and maybe bring in a registered pediatric dietician for some new ideas.

    6. ReallyBadPerson*

      My 5 year old grandson, who lives with us part of each week, is going to start OT for his sensory issues. In the meantime, his pediatrician told my daughter just to get calories in him. We give him whole milk, cheese, ice cream, whatever relatively not-too-processed foods he will eat. I have hope for him, though, because my now adult son was impossible to feed for years. I got all the judgment for catering to his pickiness, but now he’s a pretty decent eater.

    7. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Very probably not the reason for your kid’s picky eating but I’ll throw it out there just in case:
      A friend’s kid is a very picky eater because the kid is colour blind.
      Lots of foodstuffs just look really unappetising to the kid or can’t be told apart from eachother once they are cut up or cooked. The older the kid has gotten, the easier it has gotten, though kiddo still is not a fan of food and on the lower range of size and weight for their age.

    8. Nonny*

      I just discovered the instagram/youtube channel of cookingforlevi, which is adorable, and the dad, who’s a chef, has a cookbook called Cultivating a Curious Palate which I’m tempted to get for my nibling’s parents. Haven’t looked at it yet but it has me curious.

  31. tiasp*

    Black Magic chocolates – anyone have a recipe that would be like the filling of the orange sensation chocolates? It’s an orange fondant, I guess, but I suspect that chocolate centre fondant is different than cover a cake in decorations fondant.

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      Nesting fail – popped it in below by mistake. Here it is for you here:

      Ohh! I can suggest – I have made the Chocolate Orange Creams recipe from JustAPinch dot com. They’re wonderfully close to Black Magics. During the pandemic the one local import shop that usually carried Black Magic at Christmas was shut (no Black Magics, After Eights, Cadbury Flakes or a Terry’s Chocolate Orange to be had! Sob.), so I resorted to this recipe. My only advice is to buy the freshest, fanciest brand of orange extract available, as a cheap one will taste chemical-ish. You can also very. very, very finely dice some orange peel and add it to the filling mix to bump up the flavor.

      If you make them, let us know here how it went, and how they tasted! And thank you for the reminder! I will head to the import shop today to stock up on the yummy holiday goodness. I hope your candymaking is a roaring success.

  32. Nervous Nellie*

    Ohh! I can suggest – I have made the Chocolate Orange Creams recipe from JustAPinch dot com. They’re wonderfully close to Black Magics. During the pandemic the one local import shop that usually carried Black Magic at Christmas was shut (no Black Magics, After Eights, Cadbury Flakes or a Terry’s Chocolate Orange to be had! Sob.), so I resorted to this recipe. My only advice is to buy the freshest, fanciest brand of orange extract available, as a cheap one will taste chemical-ish. You can also very. very, very finely dice some orange peel and add it to the filling mix to bump up the flavor.

    If you make them, let us know here how it went, and how they tasted! And thank you for the reminder! I will head to the import shop today to stock up on the yummy holiday goodness. I hope your candymaking is a roaring success.

  33. Victoria, Please*

    Any Bollywood fans? My husband and I just watched “RRR,” an eye-watering extravaganza set in 1920. Two mythical heroes pound the British into pulp. It’s three hours of total awesome camp. The “Dhoom” series is also super fun, with lots of the gorgeous Hrithik Roshan striding out of backlit fog.

    But “Lagaan” is the absolute legitimate best. Wonderful music and dancing, plus an actual plot. I’m still annoyed that it lost out to “Amelie” for best non-English Oscar that year.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      The only Bollywood film I know is *Bride and Prejudice*, but I enjoyed it! The song “No Life Without Wife” was awesome.

    2. Reba*

      Lagaan! “Chale Chalo” is on eternal rotation in my house.
      Last year we watched Three Idiots (also with Aamir Khan) — it deals with pressure in competitive higher ed (content note there is a suicide), while being a fun road trip movie in the end.

    3. Bluebell Brenham*

      Spouse and I started with Bride and Prejudice about 15 years ago and then became Bollywood fans. Lagaan is great but long for beginners, so I’ve shown friends Bunty aur Babli and Jab We Met as a gateway movie. My spouses ringtone is from DDLJ, and my favorite movie is Main Hoon Na. Victoria- who is your favorite Khan?

    4. Angstrom*

      We stumbled onto Dil Bole Haddipa and enjoyed it. We love how the villagers always just happen to be color-coordiaanted for the sponataneous dance numbers. ;-)

  34. Can't Sit Still*

    Is anyone else doing Advent or countdown calendars? Mine got out of hand this year! I have Bonne Maman (always a good excuse to make croissants!), Penzeys’ very first advent calendar, and Dandelion Chocolate. Plus, a yarn “festive set” that I purchased unwrapped, because I don’t like yarny surprises, oh, and my online game has one, too.

    The Dandelion Chocolate one is over the top, and comes with a daily email with videos. This year’s theme is the night sky, so it came with a sky wheel. Each day is a chocolate related to a different celestial event. It also spotlights a different national park each day. Did I mention over the top?

    1. GoryDetails*

      Bonne Maman for the daily spoonful of delicious preserves – today was “quince spread,” a good way to start the season.

      And the Jacquie Lawson animated/interactive e-calendar – this year’s is set in Paris!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Last year I did Bonne Maman, gifting to my two grown kids as well. We all enjoyed it. This year I checked and daughter wanted to do a paper one like when she was young while son liked the small present aspect but wanted to try something new.

      I gave my son a World Market one with a bunch of savory snacks.

      I gave my daughter a paper one with a frenzy of penguins. She then got herself a tea one.

      I intended to get a paper one for myself, but they had the Bonne Maman jams next to the one I got for my son so I wound up doing that again. (Today: Quince! Which if you time travel back to the age of sail you’re supposed to lay in tons of quince jam to avoid scurvy.)

      My husband has always watched our advent calendaring with mild mystification, but was intrigued to discover (while I was hunting through World Market’s options for son) that there exist wine advent calendars.

    3. Dancing Otter*

      Trader Joe’s has both chocolate and skincare advent calendars. Separately! Not a combination.

      I received the skincare one as a gift a couple of years ago. Really disappointed that some of the things weren’t available separately, while others were more “glad I didn’t buy a full-sized container of that one.”

      Also agree with others that the Bonne Maman advent calendar is pretty wonderful.

    4. Generic Name*

      I bought advent calendars for all my pets last year. I have 2 cats, so that meant at the end of December we had 50 cat toys all over the house. Ha ha ha

    5. GoryDetails*

      Just saw a new-to-me one: “Books Are Magic Advent Calendar: 25 Bookish Gifts for Readers” – the doors open to reveal “bookish surprises… including book-themed stickers, colorful greeting cards, wrapping paper for readers”. Could be cute.

      In the handsome/unusual paper Advent-calendar genre: Angela Harding’s woodcut illustrations feature on several, including “Whippet Wonderland” and “We Three Hares”. I found them at a local independent bookstore but they can be found online.

  35. Truly Handwashed*

    Would this bother you as it does me? My partner washes dishes with his hand. Like, literally his hand—no sponge or cloth. I am put off by this for a few reasons but mostly because I don’t think the dishes are clean. I can’t even understand the thought process. I asked if he’s grossed out by dish sponges or cloths. No, he says. This is just easier. He’ll also “clean” the sink with his fingers. I’m frankly grossed out. I asked him to rewash and he gets irritated. But it’s not fair for me to have to do all the dishes. He says I’m nagging. I argue that’s not really what nagging is and that that term is shitty. What say you?

    1. Esprit de l'escalier*

      No, you’re not nagging — I think he is just deflecting because he doesn’t want to deal with this. Do you sense that this is based on him having different (lower) standards about “clean enough”, or might he be engaging in intentional incompetence to get out of doing this task? Neither of those is ideal in a partner, but they are in different places in the spectrum of relationship issues. Not that these reasons are mutually exclusive!

    2. RagingADHD*

      I don’t understand why you “think” it’s less clean. You surely can see / feel for yourself whether it is clean or not, can’t you?

      There’s no difference in removing germs. The soap and hot water do that once the food and grease are dissolved and mechanically removed. If he’s leaving food or grease behind, that’s a problem and he needs to be more thorough. The result is what matters, not the method.

      If you can’t tell the difference between a dish he washed and a dish you washed afterwards, then you just have a squick, and it is not reasonable to expect him to do double the work for the same result. The solution to a squick is for you to be elsewhere and not watch him.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      What he’s doing is not effective at washing the dishes and is probably not getting them nearly as clean as it could, but depends on his precise method, how clean his hands are before he starts, etc.
      Some people do reuse sponges too long/in a wash that makes them gross, but that doesn’t seem to be his m.o.
      Telling him facts isn’t nagging, or could be depending on tone, but needn’t be.
      “Easier” isn’t really a great reason. So yeah, on the dishes, he’s doing it wrong.
      On cleaning the SINK, excuse me my level-headedness has left the building: ew, gross, wth, the sink is the dirtiest place in the house, “cleaning it” with just his hands is likely making his hands dirty, not the sink cleaner, no no no no no absolutely not, no, disgusting. Make him go read ask a clean person or something.

    4. Generic Name*

      My husband does this too. Well, he swipes the dishes with his fingers under running water before he loads the dishes in the dishwasher. Because they get run through the dishwasher I don’t say anything, but I agree with you and think it’s gross too. Is there a chore you hate doing but he doesn’t mind doing? Maybe suggest taking over all the dishes if he takes over vacuuming (or whatever).

      1. allathian*

        Modern dishwashers need the dirty dishes because they judge the amount of cleaning needed by how dirty the waste water is. If it’s too clean, the washing won’t be effective. Obviously remove any loose stuff so it doesn’t clog the drain, but rinsing dishes means you’re wasting water.

    5. Glomarization, Esq.*

      The hot, soapy water should loosen and dissolve food particles and residue. The soap will kill viruses and bacteria with or without a dishcloth or sponge. His fingers and fingernails should work fine to dislodge anything left on the dishes, just as well as a dishcloth or sponge would.

      As for the sink, would he clean a bathroom sink or the tub or shower with just his hands? He needs more than just his fingers and fingernails to remove the biofilm that builds up on the sink, faucet, etc.

    6. Charley*

      I sometimes clean the sink and other surfaces with my hands and then wash my hands. Sponges quickly get so gross, and my method doesn’t strike me as odd at all – it’s not like I go about my day with my hands covered in sink gunk. That said, your husband should be able to talk about your differences respectfully if it’s something that you care about.

    7. sswj*

      I tend to do this too (washing by hand WITH hands) because I’m grossed out by damp sponges. Also, I can feel that the dishes don’t have grease or dried specks on them, because that wigs me out too.

      I have my hands in hot, soapy water, and it’s not as though I start dishes immediately after cleaning the cat boxes or digging in the garden. I DO wash my hands at other times than just doing dishes.

      This will mostly be a non-issue for me shortly though as the kitchen is finally done, the dishwasher will be in soon, and I won’t be doing more than a very light rinse under running water before letting the machine do it all.

    8. tabloidtainted*

      Whether you find it gross or not shouldn’t be the deciding factor. If he’s cleaning them by hand and they get clean, then don’t ask him to arbitrarily change how he’s cleaning to suit your preference. But if he’s not getting things clean then ask him to change that—use a scrubber on greasy dishes, for example.

    9. GoryDetails*

      If the dishes get clean it wouldn’t bother me; I sometimes use my hands if I’m trying to detect troublesome little spots that aren’t responding to the dishcloth. And when I’m cleaning the sink I use my fingers to fish any stray bits out of the drain. (I do, of course, wash my hands after I’ve done that – but if I’ve been hand-washing dishes in hot soapy water I don’t see a need to give my hands an extra wash afterwards, just a rinse.)

      If the dishes are NOT getting clean that’s worth having a discussion about, but if it’s more personal preference on your part, maybe go with “I know it gets the dishes clean but it really bugs me, so…” and then either ask that he use gloves/dishcloth/whatever, or that he does the dishes where you can’t see the process.

    10. Msd*

      Sorry, I say it’s nagging. Dishrags and sponges are gross. If you’re washing dishes with your hands then your hands are in soap and water and just as clean if not cleaner (food particles don’t stick to hands) then using sponge or dishrags. Frankly when I wash by hand I do it under running water because having dishes sitting in a sink full of water with all the food bits floating around totally grosses me out (kind of why I take showers instead of baths). Lastly you do not have to wash dishes before putting them in a dishwasher. In fact you are not supposed to even rinse them off, just scrape.

    11. Not A Manager*

      I literally don’t understand why washing with (soap and water and) your hand is less efficient than washing with (soap and water and) a sponge. Aren’t you still wiping off the surfaces with a cleansing agent?

    12. Just a name*

      We went with a dish brush. We have several as we each like different properties. (Soft/stiif/wide/narrow, etc). With a rack to drain and dry the brushes after use they seem less gross than a sponge or dish towel. Or would he be ok with a clean dish rag every day? More laundry but another compromise possibility.

  36. an iPad question*

    I’d like to use my iPad to run a (non-work) Zoom session where it would be connected to an external mic and a camera to live-stream meetings. This is a 2017-vintage iPad that has one input for its power cord and one for a headphone. Is there a dongle that can connect the iPad with its own power input plus 2 external USB-C devices?

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Is it even compatible with Zoom? I tried to pull out my own iPad from that era just to watch YouTube videos, and both the YouTube app and the browsers were too outdated to run YouTube, and the iOS is too old to run the app store.
      Plus at 100% charge it lasted about 20 minutes.
      I just bought a new one for that and to use as an ereader since I’d also been thinking about upgrading to a color kindle for art books. Base model was going for $200ish this weekend. Might be about the same as buying new cables and dongles.

      1. an iPad question*

        I was able to start a Zoom session from a browser as a test so presumably this is do-able if I can figure out the dongle, assuming there’s one that is compatible with this power plug. But I don’t know how to identify that kind of plug, which is my question here.

        1. Dancing Otter*

          But does it have the processing capacity for Zoom with multiple participants, and an external camera, and an external microphone; and can it sustain all that without freezing up? Starting a Zoom session by yourself isn’t a sufficient test.
          Any type of videoconferencing is a resource hog. Remember all the problems when WFH ramped up in 2020?

          I’m using a 10th gen iPad on cable Wi-Fi with only the built in camera/mic/speaker, and I still get occasional freezes in Zoom meetings with six participants.

          I agree with @GingerCatLady: a new iPad on sale is probably a better solution. Or a cheap non-Apple laptop, maybe?

    2. Roland*

      Looks like its power adapter just uses usb c? In that case the term to google for is “usb c hub”. Just make sure it has enough ports for everything you need (including power) and that its male end is also usb c.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        To clarify — the iPad Pro line didn’t get USB-C until 2018; the other iPad lines didn’t get USB-C until a few years later, I believe 2021 or 2022. A 2017 iPad of any variety will have a Lightning connector and I would be shocked if a USB-C hub would work with it even with an adaptor, to both power the iPad and also to add multiple USB-C devices.

  37. Meep*

    I posted in the Thanksgiving free-for-all about how baby shower this weekend and how my MiL’s friend was bringing her daughter. The twist was my MiL tried to set up her youngest (28) with said daughter (21), who he kept calling the wrong name. She ghosted him after a polite, forced coffee date.

    Here is the update:

    It was gloriously awkward for him. He was either inside or out depending where she was, while she didn’t seem to care much. Which was interesting since he insisted she was shy. Nope! Social butterfly when he doesn’t monopolize conversation.

    The other fun part was she is going to the same University as my 23-year-old (autistic) cousin so the two of them hit it off with their much more age-appropriate age gap. So hopefully, both made a new friend! He has such a hard time as it is since his parents took forever to get the resources he needs, so it was nice how sweet she was towards him.

    And yes, BiL still called her by the wrong name (Lia) despite her introducing herself as Claudia in front of him. And yes, he did try to later mansplain to me that I messed up her name, because that is who he is. /headdesk

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I love this kind of story. I missed your original post and went back to read it even though it’s summarized here, lol. So glad he was awkward and she wasn’t!

    3. Observer*

      It sounds like the apple did not fall too far from the tree.

      It also sounds like your husband managed to get away from the craziness, so that’s good.

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