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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. Mostly Managing*

    ‘Tis the season, and tomorrow will be Bake All the Things.

    What’s your favourite Christmas cookie?
    (I’ve done gingerbread, sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, and fruit cake. We need more! )

    2. mittens*

      Shortbread. Lemon. Every now and again I get a craving for peanut butter. I have a chocolate cookie recipe (not chocolate chip, but chocolate). And hamentaschen, but not now.

      One of the best cookies I’ve ever bought was from an independent cinema that sold cookies they brought in from a Chinese (Hong Kong) bakery. They were large, and a little nutty maybe some combo of almond and peanut butter? Or just almond? If anyone has a recipe for this, I’d love to try.

      1. PhyllisB*

        If you have a recipe for Lemon Shortbread, would you share? I have been obsessed with Lemon Straws ( which are a Shortbread) put out by Mississippi Cheese Straw Factory and I’d love to learn to make them.
        BTW, if if any of you are interested in this, or the Cheese Straws (also addictive) they get their name from there is a website. Just add .com to the name.

        1. mittens*

          it’s not lemon shortbread, just lemon. let’s hope the formatting works!

          3/4 c butter
          1 c icing sugar
          1 egg
          zest two lemons
          3/4 tsp vanilla
          1 1/2 c flour
          1 tsp lemon juice
          3/4 tsp baking pwdr
          1/4 tsp baking soda

          mix as usual: cream butter + sugar + zest, add egg + vanilla + lemon juice. Add dry ingredients

          refrigerate for 1/2 hr or more

          bake at 350 for 15 min.

          I usually roll into a log shape to refrigerate and slice to bake.

      2. Cheap ass rolling with it*

        This sounds like Chinese almond cookies. if you do a search, see if the image matches your expectation, and then you could look up the recipe. (I buy them, I have never baked them)

        1. carcinization*

          I had a Chinese cookbook with a recipe for them many years ago, and made them once, but the recipe called for lard and I substituted shortening. I wasn’t sure about the end product, but at the time (undergrad at a large state university) I had a Chinese room-mate with Chinese friends, and they all said the cookies were as they remembered/expected.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I haven’t done any holiday baking yet and I also want to get going this weekend! I love spritz cookies and always do chocolate crinkle cookies and gingerbread as well. Sometimes I make peanut butter balls or fudge too.

    4. Clara Bowe*

      I am doing a mass cookie bake tomorrow with friends. We convene, clean the church kitchen (we rent), bake, share a giant tray of kebab and rice and hummus, bake more, separate out giant amounts of cookies, clean the kitchen again, and flee into the night, leaving several trays of cookies in our wake.

      Everyone picks different recipes every year. This year, I am going to try root beer pie cookies and eggnog cookies. I usually do a lemon or honey cookie, but decided to mix it up this year. Fingers crossed it goes well!

      1. Esprit de l'escalier*

        What a wonderful custom! Please come back next weekend and tell us what the overall cookie assortment turned out to be. It would also be interesting to know what the assortment of bakers turned out to be :)

    5. Jay*

      My family has a specialty we call Crescent Cookies. They are in no way related to what that normally refers to. I think they are called that due to a superficial resemblance to croissants. They are fantastic and taste better than anything else I’ve ever eaten when they are fresh out of the oven. Supposedly we didn’t invent them, but I’ve never seen them anyplace else, nor heard of anyone else making them.

      1. BlueWolf*

        My grandma used to make crescent cookies. They are similar to (or the same as?) rugelach, I think. I’m not sure where her recipe came from, but they were always a favorite. Another favorite are cream wafers, which are delicious buttery cookies with buttercream filling. They melt in your mouth.

    6. old curmudgeon*

      Funny you should ask – I took today off specifically for the purpose of doing my holiday baking with my spouse! Both of us, the kitchen and the cats are covered in flour, sugar and smears of butter, but it’s well worthwhile.

      I love most of the old-fashioned traditional cookies, but for me, the absolute sine qua non for the holidays is Pepparkakor, a Swedish gingerbread cut-out cookie flavored with orange and cardamom made with the recipe that I inherited from my mother. If it’s an extra-busy year and I don’t have time to make the usual six or eight varieties of cookies, the one that ALWAYS gets made every year is Pepparkakor.

      1. allx*

        I love this cookie. I have my grandma’s recipe. Her Pepparkakor were the best. She rolled the dough thin to make the perfect crunchy cookie.

      2. allathian*

        It’s a tradition in Finland, too. It’s the only traditional Christmas cookie here.

        My mom bakes them every year.

        1. Kaisa*

          What about the prune-filled stars, Joulutortut? I’m still looking for a good gluten-free version using flours available in the US….

          anyhow, making my pigs today!

          1. allathian*

            They’re Christmas baked goods, but pastry tarts rather than cookies. I guess the definition of “cookies” varies, but for me they’re baked goods hard enough that they can be piled on top of each other easily. They don’t keep for very long and are best eaten as soon as possible after baking.

            For a flaky texture, any gluten free Danish pastry dough recipe should work for a reasonable approximation of the “real thing.” I’ve never made pastry dough from scratch, though.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        My favourite thumbprint cookies ever have a soft dough with pecans and mascarpone as star ingredients, and melted toffee sweets in the middle (the recipe is from a Hummingbird Bakery book). We never buy toffee sweets, so I found it works just as great with caramel spread in the middle – and now I feel the urge to go and hunt down some :D

    9. RagingADHD*

      Jouloutorttu! (Finnish prune tarts).

      It’s a pinwheel of flaky pastry with a dollop of prune jam that’s flavored with cardamom and vanilla.

    10. Festively Dressed Earl*

      There’s a cookie that I’ve seen called a Russian Tea Cake, Mexican Wedding Cookies, or Vanillakerpfel. I call them “a ton of toasted nuts and butter rolled in powdered sugar and why yes, I’ll have another cup of coffee and six more, why not?”

      1. Hibiscus*

        Those are called snowballs and are made with pecans—hands down favorite in my family. Toasted pecans, butter, flavored with vanilla, dusted in confectioners sugar. The recipe is in the 60s Better Homes and Garden or McCall’s cookbook.

        They can also be anise flavored,so be careful.

      2. bay scamp*

        Also called polvorones in occupied Aztlan where I live! I make a pumpkin-pecan version most years!

    11. KayDee*

      I always make Melomakarona and molasses cookies. Both are always big hits wherever I take them. This year I’m also making Salted Butter and Chocolate Chunk Shortbread from a recipe by Alison Roman. I’ve made them several times, and they are absolutely delicious!

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        What’s your recipe for Melomakarona? The local bakery that had them has now closed and I’d really love to eat them again!

        1. fallingleavesofnovember*

          I’m curious as well! I looked these up and would love to make them, but the “authentic” recipes seemed to use semolina, and I can’t have gluten…

          1. KayDee*

            @Cookies for Breakfast and @fallingleavesofnovember
            The recipe is kind of long and I’m not sure if I can post it here, but I’ll give it a try! And apologies @fallingleavesofnovember, my recipe calls for all-purpose flour, not sure if you could substitute a non-gluten type of flour or not.

            Melomakarona

            For Batter: For Dipping Syrup:
            1 pound butter 1 cup honey
            1 cup vegetable oil 1/4 cup water
            1 cup granulated sugar
            3 eggs Finely chopped walnuts
            1/3 cup orange juice
            1 Tsp ground cinnamon
            1 Tsp ground cloves
            7 cups flour
            1 Tsp baking powder
            1 Tsp baking soda

            For Batter: Melt butter, then add oil. Allow mixture to cool completely. Beat until well blended. Add sugar and continue beating. Add eggs, orange juice, cinnamon, and cloves. Sift baking powder and baking soda into flour, add to batter.

            Shape batter into oblong cookies, about 3 inches by 3/4 inches. Bake in 375 degree oven for 20 minutes.

            Allow cookies to cool completely before dipping. It’s best to bake the cookies one day and dip them the next.

            Dipping Syrup: Place honey and water in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Cook for about 10 minutes, then reduce to simmer. Dip the cookies in the syrup. Place cookies on waxed paper, and sprinkle with finely chopped walnuts.

            As the batter is quite soft, I find that the easiest way to shape it is to use a pastry bag to “extrude” it. I make long “ropes” of the batter on a cutting board, and then cut them into the length I want.

            1. KayDee*

              Formatting fail! The batter recipe starts off with 1 Pound of butter and 1 cup of vegetable oil and then the rest of the ingredients are correct, then the dipping syrup is the 1 cup honey, 1/4 cup water. The batter doesn’t contain the honey and water. Sorry about any confusion :(

            3. fallingleavesofnovember*

              Ooh thank you so much! I do have a standard gluten free flour that is pretty reliable, I just didn’t know how essential the semolina was…I may try your version!

    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do what I call “Variable Cookies”. This is the full recipe, but I’ve never made more than a half-batch at a time :P

      4.5 cups all-purpose flour
      2 tsp baking soda
      2 cups butter, softened
      1.5 cups brown sugar
      0.5 cup white sugar
      2 packages instant pudding, any flavor
      4 eggs
      2 tsp flavoring (liqueur, vanilla extract, Bailey’s, whatever)
      4 cups chips (chocolate, white choc, butterscotch, whatever)

      oven at 350
      cream together butter and sugars
      blend in pudding
      add eggs and flavoring, blend until smooth
      sift together flour and baking soda, then add in 1/2-cup intervals to the rest
      fold in chips
      Find a sucker to roll it into balls and put on a cookie sheet. Bake 10 min or so. Makes 70+ cookies.

      The variables are the pudding, flavoring and add-ins.
      I’ve done chocolate mint cookies with Andes chips.
      I’ve done chocolate Jameson cookies with peanut butter chips.
      I’ve done lemon matcha cookies with … raspberry chips, I think? (I used matcha powder instead of the liquid flavoring but I don’t remember how much.)
      Cheesecake (pudding) vanilla (flavoring) cookies with chocolate chips.
      Pistachio cookies with toffee chips.
      I once did vanilla pudding, root beer extract and white chocolate chips and I swear to god they tasted like root beer floats.

      Also, if you leave out the add-ins but press a Hershey’s kiss, Rolo candy, or similar into the top right after taking them out of the oven, they make excellent blossom cookies.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Honestly, for a half batch, I’ve used either size depending on what was available and not really noticed a difference! My default is the smaller size though.

    13. Blue Cactus*

      OH do I have some. We do at least 10 cookie varieties a year. Our perennials are:
      – A family recipe variation on Mexican wedding cookies that we shape into a comma
      – Biscochitos: a New Mexican cookie flavored with anise dipped in cinnamon sugar
      – Spritz: German butter cookies made into fun shapes
      – Biscotti dipped in chocolate
      – Gingersnaps with fresh ginger
      Others we’ve done and liked:
      – Amaretti: Italian almond cookies (these are gluten free!)
      – Pizelles: Italian flat pressed cookies that look like snowflakes – you need a press for these
      – Snowballs: chocolate cookies dipped in powdered sugar
      – Thumbprints: a butter cookie with an indent in the middle filled with jam
      We also usually do at least one bar – this year we’re trying a Linsertorte inspired one!

        1. JSPA*

          basler brunsli are, and are gluten free and dairy free if done “traditional.” But they’re boozy. We did the almond meal or hazelnut flour / cocoa powder / fine sugar (but not powder) / kirsch / kahlua / egg white version. If that’s not already enough intense flavors, the spices are cloves and a tiny bit of cinnamon. Some versions are simply dried rather than baked, so bake only as long as you need to feel good about the egg whites. You can probably sub another binding and moisturizing agent to make them vegan or get around the egg shortage.

        2. Blue Cactus*

          They’re not super difficult! They get their life from whipped egg whites so it’s much easier if you have a stand or hand mixer, but otherwise not difficult at all!

          1. Hlao-roo*

            This gluten free person is happy to hear Amaretti is not difficult to make!

            @Ellis Bell, I did a quick search and found an “Italian Amaretti Cookies” recipe from themodernnonna.com that has only 4 ingredients and looks pretty simple. I might give it a try this weekend.

        3. Cookies For Breakfast*

          Look up the recipe from Bread Ahead, it’s brilliant and super easy and I believe it’s online. This Italian with a love of soft amaretti makes it very often :)

        4. Kt*

          As a gf person, I make a riff on Ricciarelli (almond lemon cookies) that won a cookie contest in the Star Tribune in about 2014. They are easy and delicious. The recipe is available online.

      2. Punk Book Jockey*

        I miss biscochitos so much! Haven’t made them in a few years because too many of my friends eat vegetarian or halal, and to do them properly really requires lard. But someday I’ll perfect a good version with vegetable shortening.

        Ginger snaps are becoming a new favorite.

      1. old curmudgeon*

        Most shortbread recipes I’ve seen don’t call for any eggs – if you have butter, flour, sugar and some kind of extract (vanilla, orange, almond, lemon, peppermint, etc.), you can make shortbread.

        Be healthy, too!

    15. Rara Avis*

      Chocolate cookies with peppermint kisses. White chocolate cranberry oatmeal. My mom’s peanut butter chocolate balls. Also her chocolate cookies wrapped around a kiss — 10 seconds in the microwave and you have a tiny lava treat!

      1. Rara Avis*

        Also, I volunteer for a nonprofit called Cake4Kids, and today we packed about 1500 donated cookies into 80 boxes to fill orders for what is becoming an annual fundraiser. So many different kinds!

    16. Sloanicota*

      Reindeer Chow. I am only allowed to make one batch once a year, because I eat all of it myself in like three days.

    17. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I just finalized what I’m making this year – eggnog snickerdoodles, gingerbread latte cookies, and buche de Noel cookies (all from the NYT); soft sugar cookies from Serious Eats; Neapolitan shortbread and red velvet sugar cookies from The Vanilla Bean Blog; and surprise hot chocolate cookies from Sally’s Baking Addiction. Also making buckeyes, coconut cream truffles, and Oreo truffles. I’ll do most this weekend and a few next weekend.

    18. Llellayena*

      Shortbread
      Anise cookies
      Pignoli cookies
      Russian Tea Cakes

      Can you tell I’ve made this list before…?

          2. Rosyglasses*

            Our families are closer to the Borrachio type (including a link below) – but my mom rolled them in powdered sugar and kept them in the freezer so they were more solid. I have a family recipe that I haven’t really seen replicated anywhere!

            2. Kt*

              The anise cookies in my family are a super rare (?) self-frosting sort. I need to figure out how to make them. Curious if anyone else knows them. Prussian-ish recipe most likely. They need to sit overnight before being baked to separate into layers and then end up with a sort of crisp layer on top.

              1. Dancing Otter*

                That sounds like springerle, which are German. They not only contain anise oil or extract, my family tradition spreads anise seeds on the surface under them while they dry.
                We also use a patterned roller or molds to press designs into the surface, which you don’t mention.

              2. Rosyglasses*

                Those are what mine are! I will try to find the recipe – but these sit out overnight and puff up when you bake and get a crispy outside.

    19. Jackalope*

      I’ve only ever seen this in my family. Take 2 Ritz crackers, and make a peanut butter sandwich with them. Repeat this several times. Heat up some almond bark until melted. Dip the sandwiches in the almond bark. Let cool on waxed paper. They’re a beautiful combo of sweet, salty, and mellow (because of the crackers).

    22. Don’t burn down the house*

      Big soft ginger cookies, it’s not Christmas if they aren’t baked.
      And white chocolate macadamia nut is my Dad’s favorite, which shoulda been a huge clue to child me about who Santa was.

      1. RLC*

        Oh! How I miss my late aunt’s pfeffernusse, also her lebkuchen. She was born in the US, of Danish ancestry, an expert cookie baker with a large repertoire. Always sent a HUGE tin of cookies for Christmas.

        1. ThatGirl*

          My recipe is my great aunt’s and even a half batch makes a zillion cookies. They are labor intensive so I only make them at Christmas.

          1. Slippers*

            Our recipe is husband’s grandmother’s. She taught my daughters and I how to make them the year before she died because the dough was too stiff for her to work with. We definitely only make them at Christmas – it’s a lot of work, even with four of us!

    24. goddessoftransitory*

      Big fat sugar cookies covered in frosting and Red Hots and sprinkles!

      We used to make them every year as kids, and we’d always make one what we called “fire engine” cookie, where we piled on as much frosting as it could hold and wedge in various sugar-form sparkles until it was groaning under its own cornucopia of excess.

      1. Rara Avis*

        I brought (grocery store) shape coolies, chocolate frosting, and mini M&M’s to my 7th grade advisees yesterday, and some of them definitely made fire engine cookies! (Or whatever you would call the heaps of chocolate equivalent, except maybe I don’t want to go there.)

      2. Rosyglasses*

        My mom used to make these for Valentine’s Day when I was in grade school – I have fond nostalgic memories!

    26. Indolent Libertine*

      Even though I’m now Jewish, I still take part in Xmas with my parents. Our forever “have to” cookie is the Joy of Cooking pecan bars. Shortbread base, pecan pie-ish layer, then a lemon juice and powdered sugar glaze. Extremely labor intensive but absolutely delicious and worth it!

    27. Arts Akimbo*

      My favorite is soft gingerbread cookies with triple ginger, cardamom, cinnamon, allspice and clove, double the largest sane amount of molasses, and finished with lemon royal icing! I made a huge batch and we’re nearly through it already.

      A friend of mine just made these smash “cookies” that are a half-melted Rolo sandwiched between a mini pretzel and a pecan half! A heavenly bite. Trying not to eat them all.

      1. Slippers*

        My husband’s grandma used to make those rolo pretzels (turtles?? sort of) and bring them to everything, even if you instructed her not to bring anything. I miss that lady more than words can say. They’re my favorite little treats.

    28. Might Be Spam*

      I’ll be making Snickerdoodles and Oatmeal Lace cookies. My favorite cookies, we call Kolaczki, but I don’t think it’s the same as what everybody else calls it. Our Kolaczki are made with ice cream, butter and flour, with a thick fruit filling.

    29. Brevity*

      Orange oatmeal cookies, which have a ton of brown sugar and coconut. It’s actually an old Pillsbury cookbook recipe, using orange juice concentrate. My husband devours them.

        1. Brevity*

          Yes, when they make sense. My mother had an old cookbook from her mother’s church which had a recipe that, in the ingredients, called for “one lump butter”. We never tried that recipe.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            Ah yes, the notorious “size of a walnut.” Laura Shapiro’s Something From the Oven goes into the history of cookbooks in the US and standardizing measurements–it’s fascinating!

    30. Bethlam*

      My sister and I did our annual baking Thanksgiving weekend. ours are all basic, nothing too fancy.

      Russian tea cakes (my favorite), M&M, lemon, chocolate chip, butterscotch potato chip, snickerdoodles, coated cookie drops (the no bake with Oreos and cream cheese), peanut butter blossoms, Rollo pretzel bites, cutouts, gingerbread, mini cheesecakes, toffee almond sandies, 2 chocolate experiments (our guinea pigs said they were ok; sister and I wouldn’t know as we don’t like chocolate).

      And a cookie made with Bisquick and instant mashed potato flakes. Interesting taste and texture. Can put in different add-ins. We did some with dried apricots and some with maraschino cherries.

      1. Slippers*

        I’ve been searching the lists looking for peanut butter blossoms! My husband is insistent you must use chocolate stars instead of Kisses.

      2. carcinization*

        Bethlam: Interested in a butterscotch potato chip cookie recipe for sure!

        Slippers: Blossoms were mentioned above, in the “variable cookies” recipe for sure, maybe elsewhere. A co-worker brought me one last week, but she referred to the recipe as some sort of “hat” rather than a blossom. I don’t think it was chef hat or pope hat so I’m not sure what type of hat.

    31. Chaordic One*

      Aside from basic sugar cookies cut into Christmas shapes with cookie cutters then covered with sprinkles, I make pinwheel cookies and chocolate crinkle cookies covered with powdered sugar.

    32. Merry and Bright*

      Pumpkin chocolate chip and cranberry orange are two of our favorites. I feel inspired to bake after reading this thread!

    34. Cookies For Breakfast*

      My Christmas tradition is gifting cookies to friends and family, and my only self-imposed rule is it has to be a different recipe every year.

      Absolute favourite: Ottolenghi’s pecan snowballs. The recipe is online, look it up, you won’t regret it.

      I remember the year I made shortbread as a pretty successful one, and Smitten’s chocolate sablés also went down very well. Also, I’ve loved making vanillakipferl (or vanillakipferl?) but can’t find the exact recipe anymore.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I really miss Husband’s mom sending us cookies every year! She used to do a big annual bake fest but the strain of it finally meant she had to take off her apron.

    35. UKDancer*

      I don’t really make cookies but I tend to buy some lebkuchen if the supermarkets have any.

      Next weekend I will be making mince pies assuming Mr Ocado delivers the lard for the pastry. (I make some without lard for vegetarians but I find pastry works better with a mix of lard and butter). Mince pies are an essential feature of Christmas alongside my mother’s chocolate fridge cake.

      1. OxfordBlue*

        I’m in the UK and use Trex for the lard in my mince pie pastry because it’s vegetarian and it always comes out beautifully short and “melt-in-the-mouth” texture. I agree that it isn’t Christmas without mince pies although I did notice some marked down hot cross buns in my local Tesco branch the other day!

    36. Dancing Otter*

      I have my MIL’s recipe for cardamom cookies. (She may or may not have been truthful about the directions.)
      They’re basically a thick rolled sugar cookie with crushed cardamom seeds for flavoring, cut round (I treat the dough like refrigerator cookies, and slice it instead of rolling it out.), frosted and edged with chopped nuts. (Again, not being crazy, I roll the cylinder of dough in the chopped nuts before baking.)
      MIL didn’t share info on the frosting. I use more cardamom and lemon zest in a buttercream icing.

    37. Healthcare Worker*

      Not cookies, but today I’m baking cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning. Reminds me of my dear grandmother who taught me how to make them.

      2. carcinization*

        I just made a cinnamon roll cake that most folks mistake for cinnamon rolls, to take to my work’s “Breakfast with Santa” that’s tomorrow. Haven’t decided yet if I will show up in pajamas as we’re supposed to, I usually wear regular clothes. Last year people loved the cinnamon roll cake (with its 3 sticks of butter) so much that I didn’t get to eat any, so I decided I should bring it again this year.

    38. Dancing Otter*

      Usually springerle, but not this year.
      Most frustratingly, my recipe box has yet to emerge from the moving boxes, but I have found the springerle roller. None of the recipes I’ve found online look like what I remember of the family recipe, so I’ve held off on making them. But that roller is sitting on the kitchen island taunting me!

      Also MIA is the recipe for brandy balls. Every year from early childhood, we made these Thanksgiving weekend, packed them in saved candy/cookie tins to “season” (personally, I suspect some continuing fermentation), and hid them until Christmas (or whenever my father found them). I remember the ingredients, but not the amounts. Basically, you force dates and pecans and vanilla wafers through the meat grinder attachment for the stand mixer. Add brandy, mixing it with your hands, until it’s a good consistency to roll into balls about the size of a thumb tip (maybe 3/4”?). The youngest child then rolls the balls in decorating sugar and lays them out on waxed paper to be packed by another child who can be trusted with scissors to cut more waxed paper to fit the tins.

      For a family that almost never drank alcohol, we used a lot of it in the Christmas baking. There were also brandy spritz, and the homemade fruitcake was soaked in it: not just in the initial ingredients, but additional doses every day until you practically got dizzy just breathing when you opened the container. I don’t know about other recipes, but Mom’s version of mincemeat was equally brandy-based. Maybe she just wanted to be sure to use up the whole bottle of brandy each year?

      1. GoryDetails*

        I tackled springerle for a few Christmases some time back – I was tempted by some exquisite molds, and just had to use them. They’re very fiddly, and I wasn’t sure about the texture – I liked them in a kind of marzipan-chewy level with barely-crispy outsides, but I gather they could be a lot crispier than that? I did enjoy the results, but am not up for the labor anymore.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Just remembered: those oh-so-tempting molds were from House on the Hill, which made reproductions of antique molds as well as some lovely new designs. They also had some recipes; not sure if those would match the one you remember.

    40. PhyllisB*

      My current favorite to bake I learned from an AAM reader. snowball cookies. Warning: either hide them or make a double batch. You will NOT be able to stay out of them. The other isn’t a cookie exactly, but I ran across a recipe for Apple Brownies that’s really good.

    41. Random Bystander*

      Snickerdoodles. Sugar cookies with icing + decoration. Neapolitan (I modified the original recipe.)

      My Neapolitan Cookies:
      Ingredients:
      1 cup butter, softened
      1-1/2 cup sugar
      1 egg
      1 teaspoon vanilla extract
      2-1/2 cup all purpose flour
      1-1/2 teaspoon baking powder
      1/2 teaspoon salt
      1/2 teaspoon almond extract
      1/2 teaspoon cherry extract
      1 square (1 ounce) unsweetened baking chocolate, melted
      6 drops liquid food coloring (optional)

      Take a 9x5x3 loaf pan and line it with waxed paper, set aside.

      In a mixing bowl, cream butter and sugar. Beat in egg and vanilla. Combine the flour, baking powder, and salt and gradually add to the creamed mixture. Divide into three portions.

      First portion, flavor with cherry extract. If you want to increase the red/pink color, add food coloring. Spread evenly into the prepared pan.

      Second portion, flavor with the almond extract. Spread evenly over the first (cherry) layer.

      Third portion, mix with the melted baking chocolate. Spread evenly over the second layer. Add waxed paper on top, press down. Refrigerate overnight.

      Next day, preheat the oven to 350. Remove the loaf of cookie dough. Slice once longways. Cut each half into thin (about 1/8 inch) slices. Place 1 inch apart on an ungreased baking pan and bake until edges are firm, approximately 10 minutes.

      Remove to wire racks to cool. If you are good at slicing, you can get 12 dozen cookies (I admittedly am not as good as that and end up closer to 10 dozen).

      The original recipe called for the almond extract and food coloring in the pink layer, and 1/2 cup of chopped walnuts to be mixed into the uncolored layer. I think my variation tastes much better and the pink being cherry matches what my brain tells me it should taste like instead of pink tasting of almonds.

    42. Girasol*

      Spritz from the old cookie press sandwiched together with buttercream, different flavors with different buttercream flavors in different shapes – chocolate peppermint trees, lemon sunbursts, cherry wreaths, vanilla coffee swirls.

    43. Old Hampshire New Hampshire*

      I’m going to be making mincemeat cookies this year. I bought a big jar of mincemeat today!

    44. Lore*

      I found a recipe for spicy gingerbread cookies—including powdered and crystallized ginger, a lot of black pepper, and all the usual gingerbread spices—online years ago as the winner of a spicy cookie contest. It seems to have vanished from the internet but my much-molasses-stained printout survives! (I have typed it up at this point.) They are so delicious.

    45. Rosyglasses*

      Fond memories of what my mom used to make plates of:

      Russian Tea Cakes
      Anise Freezer Cookies
      Almond Sugar Cookies with Chocolate Ganache
      Gumdrop Cookies (essentially a chocolate chip cookie recipe with cut up gum drops instead of chocolate)

    46. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      My family doesn’t do Christmas, but our favorite Thanksgiving cookie was pecan sand cookies. Very crumbly, made mostly (entirely?) of ground pecans, butter, and sugar.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I *love* pecan sandies – but we always got them storebought, didn’t make them at home. (Now I want some.)

    48. Chauncy Gardener*

      A florentine. Shortbread base, almond caramel infused with orange, then baked, cooled cut into small diamonds and a corner dipped into bittersweet chocolate.
      *swoon*

    49. GoryDetails*

      I’m mainly into shortbread these days, whether I make it or someone else does. The butterier the better!

      I do have some nostalgia for simple sugar cookies with also-simple icing; we used to make those as a family when I was a kid, and even though the icing tended to taste more of powdered sugar than it probably should have, it’s a flavor that takes me back over {gulp} 60 years…

    50. GoryDetails*

      OK, not a cookie and not baked, but this was our family’s traditional holiday “treat” for years. (I wish now I’d asked my mother where she got the idea; she took it to her grave. But I suspect it was a recipe from a woman’s magazine or from the ancient Betty Crocker cookbook that *her* mother gave her for a wedding present. Those were the days…)

      Anyway: here’s a simple version:

      1 lb. English walnuts, chopped
      1 lb. little marshmallows
      1 lb. dates, cut in sm. pieces
      1 lb. graham crackers, rolled into fine crumbs

      Mom would put all of this through the meat grinder several times to make it extra smooth – and extra sticky; if the phone rang during the construction of this food, you just let it ring. (I think she liked it because she could delegate the grinding to whichever kids were hanging around the kitchen. I remember winding up with more of the goop on my hands than in the bowl; those dates and marshmallows are insanely sticky.)

      Once the texture’s right, form the sticky mess – er, delectable mixture? – into a long roll, dusting the whole thing with more graham cracker crumbs to make the exterior less sticky, and chill. To serve, slice as desired, top with whipped cream (we used the spray-can stuff – it was the early ’60s) and a maraschino cherry. [Or skip the cherry; I never liked them much, but they are very pretty on the otherwise very beige dessert.]

      The resulting slice is very, very dense and rich, and I don’t recall anyone getting through more than a cubic inch or two at most. It’s kind of like a fig newton cookie, only all mashed up? I dunno. I have no yearning to make it myself, though the nostalgia factor would be high. I would have liked to task my niblings with it when they were little, but I think they’re all old enough now to flatly refuse {grin}.

      1. Formerly in HR*

        This is very similar to a dessert from my childhood in comunist Romania. It was called ‘biscuit salami’ and it required folding cocoa, rum extract, chopped walnuts, maybe raisins, maybe some small pieces of regular (not butter, not crackers) biscuits in the concoction resulted from melting Turkish delight, mixing until it all got incorporated, then forming a log (burning fingers on the still hot mixture), covering it in paper/foil and leaving it rest for a day or so. We’d then slice it and eat the pieces like some fancy thing (due to the effort it was not made often, even if ingredients were somehow common and thus allowed us to make it, as opposed to other desserts that required butter, eggs, sugar etc).

        1. Formerly in HR*

          Forgot to say we rolled the mixture log in crushed biscuits – some would get mixed in and thus thicken the log, some would end up strictly as the outside layer). It was really a guessing game of how much would be needed.

    51. Six Feldspar*

      Below are a couple of recipes from previous years – this year I’m trying to work out if a mince pie biscotti is possible…

      Jazzed Up Rumballs
      250g gingernuts
      1/4 cup cocoa powder
      Zest from 1 orange
      Spices to taste (salt, pepper, ginger, nutmeg, cardamom, cinnamon)
      Approx 1 cup shredded coconut + extra to roll
      395g total of condensed milk + treacle

      Crush the gingernuts in a food processor (or I have great fun putting them in a ziplock bag and smashing them with a rolling pin). Mix in the other dry ingredients and then the condensed milk/treacle mixture. Let the mixture sit for 1-2 hours.

      After 1-2 hours check the mixture, add more gingernut crumbs or coconut if too dry.

      Roll into balls with wet hands (about 1tbsp is an ideal size for me) and roll in coconut. They keep well in the fridge or freezer.

      Gingernuts (makes about 60)
      200g butter
      1 cup sugar
      1 cup golden syrup
      3 cups flour
      2 tbsp ground ginger
      1 tsp baking soda
      Crystallised ginger, chopped
      1/4 tsp nutmeg
      1/2 tsp cinnamon
      1/4 – 1/2 teaspoon pepper
      1/2 tsp salt
      Optional: fresh grated ginger

      Cream the butter and sugar, then add all other ingredients and mix. Form the dough into a log and slice pieces off (the thinner the slices the crispier the biscuits will be) or roll into balls with your hands.

      Bake in a 180c over for about 15 minutes and let them cool on the tray for 5-10 minutes.

    54. EngineerRN*

      We do snickerdoodles, molasses spice cookies, peanut blossoms (peanut cookies with a chocolate kiss pressed in right after they come out of the oven), and chocolate crinkles (which are a chocolate bike that’s been rolled in powdered sugar before baking, so the surfaces cracks and you can see the dark cookie through the “crinkles”).

      I do all of these because they’re all just balls rolled in something!

      The secret to good snickerdoodles is to use half butter & half shortening for the fat, to mix some cinnamon & a pinch of allspice into the dough, and to use plenty of cinnamon in the sugar you roll the balls in.

      My favorite cookie we get from my MIL is a crescent cookie that’s kind of like a pecan sandy – it’s a very short dough that has ground pecans in it, almost like a pecan shortbread, and dusted with powdered sugar.

    55. carcinization*

      I like jam thumbprints (I use Ina’s recipe, easily google-able), and a specific kind of candy cane cookies where one basically makes the dough into “snakes” and then twists them together to make candy cane shapes (most recipes want one to only colour half of the dough red, but I colour half red and half green). I’ve found recipes similar to the latter online (usually the difference is whether it contains a bit of salt… I use the salt), but don’t have one bookmarked currently.

      This year I’m doing the less labour-intensive version (as my husband and I must bake cookies Thursday night for our respective work holiday events) so I’m making two recipes that were recommended in a thread elsewhere online: King Arthur Baking’s Chocolate Peppermint Snaps and the NYT’s Eggnog Snickerdoodles. Hopefully they will work out well!

    56. Banana Pyjamas*

      Kołaczki & jello cookies. Last time I tried to bake kołaczki they didn’t survive, the fat was too soft before baking.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        Make sure the dough stays cold and after rolling them out, put them back in the fridge to get solid again. Make sure the cookie sheet is cool when you put the cookies on it, or they’ll get soft too quickly.

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I stumbled across the *Get Millie Black* series and found the episodes I watched quite interesting and compelling.

    2. Clara Bowe*

      I have cats on my lap, Kung Pao chicken, and a new Dimension 20 Time Quangle to watch. And I get to go to bed early…

    3. old curmudgeon*

      I’m retiring next week, and today’s mail included a “happy retirement” card from an arts organization I love, signed by all the artists! I was absolutely blown away with shock – getting a greeting from that org would be a highlight of any day, but this one has lovely little personal notes and signatures from all the artists. It will be treasured for as long as I am around!

    4. vulturestalker*

      A good friend and I recently acknowledged what turned out to be mutual romantic feelings, so we’ve been exploring that, and it’s making me so happy. He is so kind and caring, and we click in a really lovely way. I feel respected and heard and safe. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had a romance, so I’ve been absolutely sparkling all week.

    5. Rara Avis*

      Today was Big Assembly Day at school. Every singing and dancing group from 4th to 12th grade does a number. My kiddo performed for the first time, which made it extra special.

    6. Flower*

      We adopted a kitty!!!! It’s been three years since our very beloved cat died, and it’s taken us this long to be ready again. He is a love! He is five years old, a fluffy tabby. We have only had him a few days, but he already sits on us and purrs, charges through the house after imaginary things, sleeps on the bed with us, and is all around a wonderful beast. We are sooooooo happy.

    7. Bananapants*

      My friend and I are hosting a mid-century themed Christmas dinner tomorrow so I’ve spent the evening prepping a cucumber dill aspic, ambrosia salad, and a classic green bean casserole. My friend is providing home-brew cyser, baked fish, tomato aspic, and wedge salad. I’m very excited!

    8. PippinTook*

      we finally found a game that the.motley household could all enjoy …. the picky 7-year-old, the Spanish speaker, the computer nerd, the lawyer, the retired Latin teacher! it’s Chicken Butt! Much laughter.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      Peanut back to his old self after a long session of rebalancing his thyroid meds and tummy issues. His new thing is sleeping on my husband’s old winter coat on the dining room table, so we bought him a little cat mat that self heats and hopefully can coax him onto that (so I can dry clean the coat and donate it1)

    10. Firebird*

      I’m in the very early stage of a possible romantic relationship. I’m not sure we have enough in common yet, but I’d like to see where it goes. We were at the same event (not an official date) and a couple of people asked if we were together, so I guess we’re giving off vibes. Somebody else said we were cute, like her grandparents. So I guess I’m officially old now.
      Etiquette tip: Don’t compare people to your grandparents. Ouch. I’ve been gray since I was 5 years old.

      3. Goldfeesh*

        That reminds of a time I ran into a young woman named Dallas. I was excited over her name because I have never heard of anyone named Dallas other than my grandpa. I don’t think she as enthused as I was. Oops, sorry.

        1. allathian*

          Oops! The only one I know about is director Ron Howard’s daughter, actress/producer/director Bryce Dallas Howard. Scuttlebutt has it that she was conceived there.

          But yeah, in general I think people should refrain from commenting on any “unusual” personal characteristics. Height, weight, hair color, length, and texture, skin color, accent, name, etc. should all be off-limits in conversation because the person’s heard it all before. Often those comments, no matter how well meant, come across as microaggressions.

      4. Sloanicota*

        As a new employee I accidentally suggested to my boss that someone might think I was her daughter. In retrospect she was probably in her late 30s. Whoops.

    11. Cat and dog fosterer*

      My latest fosters just arrived! A pair of pups that flew in from a remote community and are now safe. They are small breed and there’s a small chance they’ll be adopted by the new year if I get lucky.

    12. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I now have the entire first 10,000 words of my novel written down. They probably suck! But this a huge deal for me, because I never wrote this much of a story in the right order.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Getting an idea out of your head and down on paper never sucks! It may need reworking or such, but that’s a big deal!

    13. BellaStella*

      Snowing here and it is pretty. 2025 is looking terrific too as at the place we do not name I will change teams. And am excited for a Christmas market tomorrow!

    14. Hobbling Up A Hill*

      My local supermarket had a substantial discount on fancy cheese. So now I have a lot of fancy cheese.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Very jealous. My supermarket not only did not have a sale, they didn’t even have any fancy cheese. What gives??

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Sorry. That was NOT a joy. lol
          I finally hung the new curtains for the master bedroom and they are WONDERFUL. Airy, bright and I don’t even feel like I have to paint the room anymore. Bonus!

    15. The OG Sleepless*

      Mine was pretty joyless until yesterday afternoon, when the bronchitis that has had me completely flattened for TWELVE DAYS finally started to abate. I’m sitting here savoring every congestion-free breath, my fully working brain, and the energy level that seems 95% back to normal.

    16. PhyllisB*

      Got the pleasure of seeing my oldest granddaughter recieve her Bachelor’s in Social Work. I am beyond proud!!

    17. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Mine is a transferred joy — I am super not a cat person at all, but my husband is, and a few months ago he talked me into authorizing a kitten (alongside the two 10 year old cats he already had), because his brother had taken in a litter of strays when their mom was hit by a car when the kittens were like 3-4 days old. Well, his kitten (Badger) chewed up four pairs of headphones in six weeks, and apparently the resolution to this is not “return kitten to sender” but “add more kitten.” I said “Let me guess, your brother still has one of her littermates.” So earlier this week, Mouse showed up, got vet clearance and started on her vaccines, and my husband is now kept by four cats – two ten year olds and two five month olds, and they make him very happy, and I at least am happy that he is happy. :)

      1. GoryDetails*

        Transferred joy is still joy – congrats on the new addition to the household! (Now I want a T-shirt saying “add more kitten”. Though my three cats are more than enough for my current energy level, so maybe I shouldn’t even THINK about kittens…)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It is interesting to see the parallels — each age pair is littermates – sisters, specifically, all four cats are female – and in each pair, there is one who is very decidedly more outgoing and one who is much more reserved and skittish.

          1. Random Bystander*

            It is funny, it seems like they always are like that (one more outgoing, one more skittish).

            In my case, it’s two feral-start boys who came from separate litters but I suspect that their mothers were littermates. Jemmy, the brown tabby, is the skittish one. Leo, the orange boy (and yes, he lives up to all the orange boy stereotypes), is the outgoing one. You would never guess that Leo had started out as a feral boy, he’s so friendly (like I said, he’s orange, and lives up to the stereotypes).

            I did do TNR with the mothers (there was a third female in the colony nucleus, but she disappeared before I got her), they still show up for food and remain utterly untouchable. I got the boys into the house when they were 6mo old, and that was four years ago.

        2. Rosyglasses*

          Haha – I’m imagining the “add more kitten” in the same vein as “more cowbell!!” from the infamous SNL skit with Will Ferrell (for those not familiar).

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It does help that they all were HIS headphones and not MINE. :) If it was MY stuff she’d been chewing up, we’d have been more on the “return kitten to sender” side of the outcome meter :)

          (I also made him promise to leave all his cats to his brother in his will, not me. :P )

          1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

            I did once read a compelling argument that as cats are instinctively wary of snakes and will kill them if they can, that this may underlie their killing of headphones! “Here you go, mum and dad, killed another one, and by the way our house is infested with them”, sort of thing.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Her preferred part to nibble was the foam padding on the ear cups, as I understand it. :)

            2. Cat and dog fosterer*

              Oh no, it’s very much because cats and dogs are earwax freaks! Hearing aids are at big risk from pets for the same reason.

              If you aren’t convinced then stick a finger down your per’s ear and then let them sniff it. Anytime I do this with a new foster they start licking my finger and are obsessed.

              1. RC*

                Only some cats. My theory is it’s genetic, like the cilantro thing in humans. We’ve had two who will intently lick your finger if you have scratched your ear in the last hour, and 3 who couldn’t care less.

                I’ve definitely seen one of them (one of the earwax cats) bat/attack the vacuum power cord as if it were a deadly deadly snake.

                Yay more kittens!

    18. allathian*

      I got a lovely personalized note from my boss as an early Christmas present.

      My son’s getting great grades in his last year of middle school. Bodes well for his chances of getting into his preferred high school next year.

    19. GoryDetails*

      I’ve been really enjoying update season {grin}. The posts that refer back to multiple-question posts tend to make me read all of those again, not just the ones being updated, and I wind up on a fun wiki-walk through the archives.

      Am also very glad to have my roof-repair/gutter-replacement done, and a portion of the long-needed basement-decluttering also done (though there’s a lot more of THAT on the to-do list).

    20. voluptuousfire*

      I went to IKEA and got myself really cute plates that are technically holiday themed but to me just say “Scandinavia.” I could picture myself using them in a little red cabin on a lake in Norway. :)

    21. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      I got to be in a Christmas pageant! I was Shelley the Sheep, and I was behind a screen, holding a hand puppet and talking into a mic. A guy was next to me, voicing Emmet the Donkey, and I actually had the easy part, because I was mostly responding to his prompts: “What’s a genealogy?” and so forth. The whole thing was about 45 minutes, and we weren’t in every scene. Lot of fun, though! We got laughs when we were supposed to. So that’s off my bucket list!

    22. WoodswomanWrites*

      I was invited to attend a concert of the women’s a capella group Kitka, which performs music from Eastern European women’s vocal traditions. Their intros and the written program provided enough of a preview that you could feel the meaning of the lyrics even in unfamiliar languages. Most were traditional songs with a few they wrote themselves in the same genre. So much power coming from this ensemble of 10 people. I’m now a fan and looking forward to attending more of their performances.

      I realized afterward that some of the music is from the home of my own ancestors.

    23. WoodswomanWrites*

      Another joy is happening right now. The annual lighted boat parade is cruising in the bay and I can see the whole thing through the window of my place instead of standing outside in the cold drippy night.

    24. carcinization*

      I made some really good split pea soup (with ham hocks). I remembered this as being something that my husband really liked and that I thought was just okay, so I don’t know if I just got the best ham hocks ever this time or what, but it was next-level.

    25. LdyLiberty*

      My neighbors who I had not previously met rang my doorbell to say ‘Merry Christmas’ and give me a small box of Christmas cookies.

    26. stratospherica*

      My big joy moment is that I made an appointment start the process of acquiring citizenship in the country in which I’ve lived for going on 10 years now! It’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for a while, and having guaranteed indefinite right to remain (as well as voting rights and the ability to run for office if I want) is pretty huge, so I’m so excited to finally get this ball rolling.

  4. Puffshroom*

    Does anyone have any recommendations for great Christmas themed audiobooks or podcasts?
    I’m not usually someone who gets really into Christmas films or books in the festive period. I’m not religious and I find a lot of the mainstream Christmassy stuff is really cheesy and I don’t find that enjoyable. (No judgement at all if you love all the cheesy Christmas media!! I wish I could dive into it all but I’ve realised it’s just not my thing.) But I’m trying to really lean into extending the Christmas period by surrounding myself with Christmas themed media. I’m quite enjoying the Christmas Carol podcast by the Merry Beggars, I listened to an interesting podcast about the history of A Christmas Carol on Throughline. I’m enjoying the Dan Snow’s History Hit episodes about the history of Christmas. And I loved the first couple of episodes of Sherlock Holmes Short Stories read by Hugh Bonneville – not very Christmassy in theme but very much the vibe I’m after! So I was wondering if anyone had any fun, interesting podcasts or audiobooks with a Christmas theme (but not related to A Christmas Carol!!). Ideally fiction/stories, I think, but am also open to factual stuff. And I’m a Brit living far from home, so a UK or Ireland theme/accent/setting would be amazing!

    1. mittens*

      I don’t know if this fits your bill, but Alan Maitland (Cdn broadcaster) reading Forsythe’s “the shepard” sends chills every time. Look for “Alan Maitland the shepard” on youtube. And, it’s a reading, so you don’t have to pay attention to the video.

    2. Sarah*

      “The Dark Is Rising” by Susan Cooper is a Christmastime reread for many people, and the BBC did a beautiful radio adaptation a couple of years ago. British, Christmas-set if not exactly Christmas-themed, and one of my favorite books from childhood.

      2. UKDancer*

        Oh that’s a good idea. I love the book, I didn’t know there was a radio adaptation but that sounds lovely. I saw the film they made a few years ago and it was absolutely awful, such a shame it’s a great series with potential.

    3. Person from the Resume*

      If you’re okay with sci fi Malka Older has two novellas of lesbian Sherlock Holmes on Jupiter. Great as audiobooks.

      What I actually love about it most is the Victorian london atmosphere/vibe she creates by worldbuilding a place with trains, fog, inclement weather, no mobile communication, English university academic infighting, tea, scones, fires.

      I secondly love the way the mystery is actually related to a sci fi element.

      Thirdly Holmes/Mossa is very obviously non-nuetrotypical while being very Holmesian and seemingly rude. Watson/Plieiti has the deal with her feelings about that.

      But it’s so atmospherically Holmes-era London!!!

      Malka Olders The Investigations of Mossa and Pleiti
      – The Mimicking of Known Successes
      – The Imposition of Unnecessary Obstacles

      Each audiobook is only 4 hours long.

      1. Puffshroom*

        Bwa ha ha – I just spent several minutes looking for this audiobook app I hadn’t heard of called Jupiter. The mention of sci fi didn’t register apparently… Anyway, these sound super fun – will look for them in the normal audiobook places. Thanks!!

    4. word nerd*

      Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan–it has some dark elements, but it’s also beautiful and gorgeously written and perfect for not-religious Christmas spirit. It’s novella-length and set in a small Irish town, and the audiobook narration by an Irish actor is wonderful too.

        1. word nerd*

          Plus it’s included in the Audible membership if you have a subscription. If you like it, she’s a master of the short form and has other books set in Ireland too.

          I have to ask–does your username refer to puffball mushrooms or is it just a play on words? My husband loves to forage so we’ve eaten them before, and my son loves to step on them when they’re in their spore-releasing stage.

          1. I take tea*

            Not included for me. But at least I can buy it – that’s not always the case.
            I find it so annoying, it happens all the time with streaming services, someone recommends something, but it’s not available here. One would think that in today’s world of online this and that, it shouldn’t be impossible to pay for the things you want, but I have several times been in the situation that I can either access something illegally or wait for it to be released on DVD.

            1. Puffshroom*

              Yes, I agree – it can be really annoying when something isn’t available! And I don’t think many people realise how different the offerings can be in different places – the Netflix selection in the UK vs the place where I live is surprisingly different, for example. But I did get some insight from a podcast called The Rest is Entertainment – basically I used to rant about why the BBC didn’t just sell access to BBC iPlayer to people abroad instead of making it a UK only thing, as surely that would be really popular? But apparently they make much more money by individually selling the TV programmes to other broadcasters, territory by territory. Which is much less convenient for me personally (especially as I live in a very small country whose local broadcasters can’t afford/aren’t that interested in all the latest BBC series, I imagine), but I do approve of the BBC continuing to exist and have money at its disposal, so I have mixed feelings about it!

              1. I take tea*

                BBC is the one I most often complain about as well, I’d probably pay a lot to be able to stream it. Thanks for the insight, I’ll check out that podcast. I suppose it makes sense, moneywise, but it is frustrating. I wish they’d make it possible to buy things online as well as on DVD, at least, like an e-book.

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            username: I guessed Plants vs Zombies, where puffshrooms are one of the first plants you get when you move into the night levels :)

            1. word nerd*

              Ah, thank you! My son loves that game but clearly I don’t. Although I am confused why puffshrooms are a “plant” when mushrooms are in a completely different taxonomical kingdom. :P

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                Try not to let that distract you from the otherwise obviously accurate-to-real-life game. ;)

            2. Puffshroom*

              Yep – Plants vs Zombies! My kids were talking about it as I was trying to think of a username – and it’s the only game everyone in my family enjoys equally, and the only game I’m the best at! And I do enjoy its puns – though I’m sure this is isn’t the only one that plant experts might have things to say about.

    5. CTT*

      You asked for podcasts/audiobooks BUT I have to recommend Black Doves, a Netflix spy show – it’s set in London at Christmas and there’s a great range of British accents (and I think a few Irish ones)

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        One of the best uses of The Little Drummer Boy ever, and I usually don’t like that song.

      2. Puffshroom*

        Oooh thanks for mentioning this – I have this on my radar but didn’t realise it was Christmas themed! Will bump it up to the top of the list forthwith!

        1. Weekend Warrior*

          Well, there are Christmas decorations galore in London but also a pretty high body count in Black Doves. I don’t think I’d call it “Christmas themed” exactly…

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            There’s also the importance of doing your family traditions (puddings, crafts) around the spycraft, and the use of various holiday gatherings as cover to arrange meetings. It’s more a Christmas movie than Die Hard, which is often cited as an unconventional but valid choice.

          2. Puffshroom*

            I did think afterwards that Christmas themed was maybe not what I meant to say! :) In fact I think what I’m after is things that are NOT just about the magic of Christmas, but just have a bit of festive atmosphere, potentially in the background or with lots of other stuff going on, or come at it from an interesting angle (like the history stuff). Am nearly at the end of the second episode of Black Doves and loving it – and was delighted to find that Ben Wishaw is in it!

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      They aren’t podcasts but you might consider some MR James ghost stories–he wrote many of them to be read at Christmas time. The BBC has a whole series of his and others’ filmed and streaming on Shudder/Amazon Prime right now. My favorite is “Oh Whistle and I’ll Come to You, My Lad.”

      1. The Prettiest Curse*

        One of the best bits of Christmas in the UK is that they always show MR James adaptations on TV this time of year.

      2. UKDancer*

        I was going to suggest this.

        There are also some quite good readings on Youtube of the books. Most of the Michael Hordern ones are good and I like the Bitesized Audio with Simon Stanhope as he has a good voice and did a lot of period ghost stories. I like his reading of the Algernon Blackwood story “The Kit Bag” which is actually quite festive as it’s set just before Christmas.

        Also the theatre company Boxtale Soup did an audio recording of “Casting the Runes” during lockdown which is really well done I think.

    9. Blomma*

      I often re-listen to the audiobook of “Hercule Poirot’s Christmas” by Agatha Christie this time of year. Hugh Fraser always does a good job narrating Christie mysteries.

    10. Anonymous Cat*

      Not a podcast but Lucy Worsley has a history tv show called 12 Days of Tudor Christmas. If you have access to the video, you could listen to it while it streams and you’re doing something.

    11. LBD*

      One year I started out very early on Christmas morning to catch a ferry, and happened to come across Documentary on One: The Reindeer Santa Left Behind on CBC radio as I drove the hour or so to the ferry terminal. I try to listen to it every year, and remember how delighted I was to have something unexpectedly interesting to listen to on my journey!

    12. GoryDetails*

      Evergreen Tidings from the Baumgartners by Gretchen Anthony – I enjoyed the audiobook of this one, which ranged from “wacky housewife wildly over-commits to holiday planning” to deeply-touching family relationship story.

      A Lot Like Christmas by Connie Willis is a collection of short stories, some dark, some sweet – speculative fiction included. I really like these.

      Hogfather by Terry Pratchett: a very funny, sometimes creepy, and surprisingly touching tale in which an assassin has worked out how to kill such anthropomorphic personalities as the Hogfather (the Discworld’s Santa Claus) – leaving none other than Death to take Santa’s place while his daughter tries to thwart the evil plans. I enjoyed the original audiobook version of this, and I see there’s a more recent one with Bill Nighy as one of the narrators – will have to check that one out myself!

    13. Puffshroom*

      This an amazing list – thanks so much everyone. Really looking forward to working my through all of them. :)

    15. Fellow Traveller*

      The Beat Christmas Pageant Ever read by Elaine Stritch- hilarious, makes me laugh. We listen to it every year.

    16. Hedwig*

      Shedunnit is available on BBC Sounds and is a great podcast about the golden age of detective fiction. There are five Christmas episodes: Crime at Christmas; Let it Snow; A Christie for Christmas; The Murderless Christmas; and this year’s is about Father Christmas.

    17. Karstmama*

      Depending, of course, on your interests, there’s a fantastic YouTube video by Abby Cox where she just fully nerds out on the perfection of the costumes in A Muppet Christmas Carol.

    18. rm*

      Masters in This Hall by K.J. Charles is set in Victorian UK at Christmas. Well researched historical Christmas entertainments! Fun, witty dialog, cute romance, house party hijinks, detective novella. I don’t see an audiobook but as a short, $1.99 ebook it’s a great value.

    19. RC*

      Equally nonreligious/not really into most of the normal stuff, but Tim Minchin‘s White Wine in the Sun (it‘s a song, not a podcast) gets me every year.

  5. Weekend Warrior*

    Big thanks to the posters who recommended using a wash cloth for the initial dry off in the shower. I upgraded to a hand towel :) and it’s been a game changer. My issue wasn’t needing to keep warm like other posters but not being able to handle a big towel easily due to a hand injury. Showers were so awkward but it never occurred to me to just use a smaller towel!

    Any other suggestions for small but life-improving hacks?

    A couple of mine might be to fill the kettle and set out the tea things before going to bed. Also to shower first thing in the morning on days where later is optional – unless lunch in pyjamas is the treat you want!

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I do this with my coffee things! Kettle is filled, and mug/French press are at least washed, even if they’re sitting in the dish drainer, haha. Mostly it’s because it takes me an ungodly long time to actually wake up so I need to be able to make that cup automatically. And if I’m going to the office, even five minutes spent mucking about when I don’t mean to can cause me to miss my bus.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        The exact same actions just seem to take longer in the morning and it’s a treat to just flip a switch. :)

    2. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      Using a squeegee on the walls and tub after a shower helps keep mildew at bay. If mildew does get a toehold on the caulking, a soak with 3% hydrogen peroxide will kill it (may take 2-3 applications) and bleach the caulk white again.

    3. Weekend Warrior*

      I thought of another “hack” I really enjoy. When I’m filling out my planner for the next year, as well as things like birthdays and appointments, I add in little surprises for myself, e.g. poems, reminders about seasonal books I want to read, concerts and other events on the date but also in advance so I can consider booking, postcards of a painting or beautiful landscape. It’s always a treat to flip over a weekly page and see a thought from my past self waiting in the week ahead. Going to try to plant a few of these every month for 2025.

      2. acmx*

        I like learning what extras others do with their planners!
        I like this idea and will try to incorporate something similar.

    4. Just here for the scripts*

      I need to drink more water (in a form that’s not. Coffee. Not .tea). So I fill a large 12oz glass of water and leave it in the counter in the AM on days when I work from home—seeing it there reminds me to drink it, and I’m finding in refilling it 2- (gasp)4 times a day!

      Larger. Containers do not help me—I actually get overwhelmed and discouraged (I see it and it never seems move in level) by larger sized containers. But the 12 oz glass can get a dent made in it while I’m warming back up my coffee in the micro, between washing offer mugs in the sink, or toasting a bagel. And when it’s almost empty, a quick sip empties it and I can refill it easily and quickly!

      1. Observer*

        I found that putting a fairly large cup – that’s not see through – by my desk works well for hydration. Every so often I just drink some, and I don’t get sidetracked or discouraged by the water level.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Prepping ingredients for cooking. I work afternoon/evening shifts, and am often NOT in the mood to cook when I get home, especially from scratch. But what really makes it an ordeal a lot of the time is allllll the prep work-dicing veggies, getting broth made, and so on. If I do that in the morning before work, I can have a hot dinner at night without eating at midnight.

      1. EngineerRN*

        I do this to! And “cooking ahead” – on days when I have more time to prepare dinner, I do tasks that help prepare for busier days, like cutting up the veggies or prepping meat for 2 meals at once.

        I’ll also plan harder-to-prep meals make great leftovers strategically. Like last night I made roast chicken & made stock from the bones, and now we’ll have stuff to make chicken soup quickly on Monday, and chicken quesadillas on Wednesday (2 very busy evenings this week).

    6. Red Rose*

      My keys always hook on the handle of the bolt inside my front door, no matter what. It’s always the first thing I do when I get home, before taking my shoes off even. This saves me searching for them when I leave, but more importantly, it means I am very unlikely to accidentally lock myself out by going out without my keys. (I have the kind of door that automatically locks behind you when you exit and I live alone, so I do worry about this!)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I have a brass dish I put mine in. They always go in that dish. It makes a lovely dingggggg sound when they scrape it as I pick them up. :)

    7. Pam Adams*

      I make my breakfast protein drink in advance, mixing up two or three at a time. I got a set of small. shaker bottles, so I can just grab one, shake and drink.

    8. ElastiGirl*

      When I get dressed today, I choose what I’m going to wear tomorrow. The whole outfit. It makes tomorrow so much easier and keeps me on schedule.

      1. Catagorical*

        I lay out all my clothes the night before, including socks, underwear and shoes. This helps as I seem to wake up gradually and saves me looking for stuff last minute.

        I also put anything I need to take in front of the door so I can’t get out without moving it.

    9. Shiny Penny*

      If I have an appointment tomorrow, then before I go to bed I’ll set a bunch of alarms on my phone to keep me on track to actually get there on time.
      I work backwards: leave house, leave house in 30 minutes, leave house in 60 minutes, take shower, walk dog, eat breakfast, wake up.
      This has been transformative. I’m now a person who is on time to appointments 95% of the time! All it took was admitting “pay more attention/try harder” was not EVER going to be the strategy that worked for me, lol.

      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        What we do for our calendars at our house is put the time we must leave as the time in the calendar, then add othet info in the notes field, like
        ‘Leave at 4:45 to arrive at 6:00 for party.
        Bring cookies and extra chairs Sue asked for.” Party st 123 Main st.
        I need to implement the alarm system for Mr Middle Aged Lady because he has ADHD and underestimates how long it will take him to get ready. He’s come a long way but I still have to nudge and remind him sometimes.

      2. Ess in Tee*

        I do this on mornings I have work. There’s the wakeup alarm, then alarms set at ten minute intervals that keep me on track so I don’t miss the train. I have a tendency to dawdle and get distracted so I need reminders that I should get out the door. The alarms aren’t set in stone, but more along the lines of “ah, that’s the X:XX alarm, I should have my coffee in my flask and socks on by now” or “okay, I can easily take another X minutes to brush my teeth and then I’ll need to be out the door.”

  6. Tabby Baltimore*

    I think “Griffin looking over railing” is going to join “Eve, on the bannister, where she should not be” as the 2nd most terrifying AAM cat photo. (If I can find which column it’s attached to, I’ll post the link in a reply.)

    1. Festively Dressed Earl*

      “I think “Griffin looking over railing” is going to join “Eve, on the bannister, where she should not be” as the 2nd most terrifying most adorable AAM cat photo.”

      Fixed that for you.

    3. 653-CXK*

      “Hai thair…ai no that yur tayking pikture fur websait, but whai do u luk so skeered? Ai prawmis ai woant jump…”

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      Ah! Reminds me of Snoopy sitting over his doghouse pretending to be Fierce Vulture. Tiny little cat, but he’s up to something…..

  7. Green Mug*

    Does anyone have one of those indoor gardens with the pods and light bars? I received one as a gift. Any tips? It came with basil. When can I eat the basil? Can I have use basil pod and a tomato pod at the same time? I appreciate any insight. Typically I kill plants within two months.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Aerogarden, I assume? My husband currently has tomatoes growing in one on my kitchen counter. He did lettuces for a while, then decided to switch it up and put in herb pods. They produced so much he ended up just throwing a bunch of it away because he couldn’t get through it fast enough, and now he’s on the tomatoes. They haven’t flowered yet.

      I’m not aware of any reason you couldn’t mix your pods up.

      1. A Girl Named Fred*

        Not to hijack the thread, but adding a quick question here: does an aerogarden only work with their pods, or can you grow other seeds in there too? I’m curious about trying one but not sure how much of a “restriction” the pods are.

        1. Professor Plum*

          Yes, you can plant your own seeds. There are many options available on Amazon for the sponges and baskets, and then add your own seeds. Tying it back to the original question—there are so many types of basil that are fun to explore: lemon basil, lime basil, lettuce leaf basil (giant leaves that you can use to make a wrap from), cinnamon basil—really fun to explore!

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          You can get a “grow anything” pod set, where you can put your own seeds into a pod framework so it fits into the slots – basically the same as the regular pods, just add-your-own-seeds. I’ve not tried it, but it is an option. I don’t think you could just plant seeds in it without a pod though, they just wouldn’t really have anywhere to go.

        3. Not joking*

          Aerogarden is closing, per their website. A great article on Wired does point people to other resources. Just so you know!

          1. Professor Plum*

            Yes—such a bummer. New units are still available at a discount on Amazon. Most of the ones I own are used—and I just scored another at the thrift store today. There are definitely hydroponic units from other companies if someone is uncertain about buying from a company that is closing. But for those who already own one, keep on using them!

    2. RagingADHD*

      You can start picking a few leaves of basil as soon as it has 4-5 leaves, but make sure you always leave some to keep growing. If you cut or pinch them off from the top, it will encourage the plant to branch out and get more bushy.

    3. Just Another Cog*

      My husband has used the one I gave him for several years. They work great and he grows all sorts of herbs and greens in it. In fact, he bought a much larger model when he taught culinary arts at the high school and the students grew salad vegs in it as well as herbs for cooking. The only thing you’ll need to do is be sure it is located somewhere where the very bright light won’t bother you. Our last house had a basement shop, which is where it was kept and now we have it in our garage because it doesn’t get as cold in our new state. I know they show them on kitchen counters on the box, but unless your bedroom is on another floor, the light may drive you nuts.

    4. Professor Plum*

      With herbs, lettuces and greens, you can usually grow them all in the same unit. Flowering plants like tomatoes and peppers want to be on their own—they have differing nutrient needs. Also for tomatoes and peppers look for microdwarf varieties that stay small, and only plant one pod for every three holes in your unit. Be sure to cover unused holes to help prevent algae growth—I use golf balls to cover mine.

      If you end up with more basil, or other herbs, I like making basil salt.

      One of my favorite greens to grow is tatsoi—it’s a rich dark green that grows in a big rosette. I grow pods in a 6-pod Harvest unit because of how wide they get. Easy to snip off leaves to add to my eggs each morning, or a salad or to sauté with other veggies. I’d never heard of tatsoi until I started researching what to grow in my aerogardens.

      The Facebook group Aerogarden, Kratky & Gardening Fanatics is extremely helpful and I’ve learned a lot there. You can also find good info in the Aerogarden subreddit.

      1. Just Another Cog*

        The golf ball idea is a great one for empty pod holes! I’m passing that one along to the Aerogardener in the house!

    5. I take tea*

      There are some things that don’t grow well together, and some things that like each other. Do a search for “companion planting” to check it out.

    6. LBD*

      When I have access to a basil plant, as well as using it in the usual ways, I also use it like lettuce, in salads and sandwiches.

      1. Professor Plum*

        I like to make my own low-fat basil dressing. I don’t have any measurements, it’s all by eye or taste—and it depends on how much I want to make. I’ll use plain Greek yogurt, white wine vinegar with a good amount of fresh basil and salt. Optionally I add a bit of garlic, ginger and lemongrass from the tubes of these available as a paste. Put everything into a wide mouth mason jar and blend with an immersion blender. If it’s not thick enough, add more yogurt. If it’s too thick, you can thin with a little bit of milk or water. It keeps for quite awhile in the frig—you may need to stir if the whey separates.

    7. Green Mug*

      Thank you so much everyone! I can see that the plants have 5 leaves now, so I will try some today. It’s so exciting to have a fresh herb in the kitchen!

    8. ampersand*

      You can mix your pods! I kill all plants (not on purpose) and my Aerogarden plants are the only thing that have survived my black thumb. They’re amazing.

      We ended up with so much basil we had to start giving it to neighbors. We ate it once we needed to clear out some space so it didn’t just take over our counter. It grows very well!

    9. Green Mug*

      I used some fresh basil in some meatballs tonight. I could cry from the joy of it. What a difference a fresh herb makes! Thank you for all the tips. I had no idea I could do so much with basil. I am searching for basil salt recipe now.

  8. Does Everyone Else Travel for Weeks Orrr?*

    I could use some kind, calm redirects when my mom complains about the length of my Christmas visit. For the record, it’s a five day trip. Yes, two of those days involve travel (expensive, exhausting travel – for me!) but I was careful to book flights so we get quality time on both days – it’s not like I get in at midnight and leave at 6AM. My mom has already started complaining it’s too short and they’ll “barely get to see me.” *One time* I was between jobs and came for two weeks, which I think set her expectations of what a “real” visit is. I don’t want to spend the whole five days being guilted or feeling annoyed and I really don’t want to start a fight. She’s not going to get through the trip without Saying Her Piece at least once or twice, maybe under her breath or as a throwaway comment a third time. Is everyone else really staying two weeks? What can I say to help her move past my terrible cruelty?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Possibly something along the lines of “I’m here, let’s enjoy it (instead of complaining about it).”

      1. Not joking*

        I would say this but add an “I love you, and I’m here, and happy to see you! Let’s enjoy it!”

        I would really have to try hard not to say, “so let’s not complain!” And she might hear that, but I think you can truly say you didn’t say it

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, I put that part in parentheses because I wasn’t sure – I don’t see my parents at Christmas most years and if I do it’s for like 2 days, and they’re thrilled and don’t give me a hard time, so it was theoretical for me. Your way is better I think :)

    2. Orange m&m*

      I’ve read trying something along the lines of this:
      Mom: “Your visit is just too short”
      You: Gives hug, “Mom, I love you. Hey, can you show me how to make those napkin swans?”

    3. Rara Avis*

      My husband and I, being teachers, get two weeks. My brother and wife don’t. So my parents, who are retired, come to us. (Somehow both of us ended up living on the opposite coast from our parents.)

    4. Esprit de l'escalier*

      Could you just agree with her general gripe without suggesting in the slightest that future visits will be longer? “Yes, it would be nice to have that much time off, wouldn’t it?”, and I’d try for a light tone.

      I always wonder why a parent would think that guilting and badgering their adult children will make the children visit more often or stay longer than the barest gritted-teeth minimum. It’s such a sad and counterproductive way to be.

      1. Good one*

        I prefer this because it has no hard justification or explanation in it, so OP can hopefully circumvent the ingrained emotional reaction of feeling required to defend themself. That might change some of the overall pattern.

      2. HannahS*

        This is exactly what I would do. If your goal is to respond without playing into the conflict, find a way to agree!
        “Yes, I wish I could stay longer.”
        “Yes, it’s too bad, isn’t it?”
        “Yeah, I miss when I was young and we had the whole two weeks off school. Remember that time when…”

    5. Mostly Managing*

      Explain to her once, the first time she complains, that you are using all your available time and travel budget to be with her. After that, she gets the same answer every time:
      “Mom. This is all the time I have. Can we enjoy what we have?”

      I’m sorry she can’t just enjoy what she gets!

      1. Travel Orrr*

        I think she can guess this isn’t all the literal time I could have possibly spent. I get three weeks per year at work, so I think she’s assuming *at least* two of those weeks should be “hers” between Christmas, Thanksgiving, her birthday, and a summer family trip – maybe more like 2.5 …

    6. MissB*

      I told my youngest kid Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year today because he’s out of country and will be so remote that he won’t have cell service until the 2nd week of January. He’s 25. He asked us several months ago if we minded if he missed Christmas. I told him that he’s an adult, he gets to choose when and if he comes home and for how long! He’s young enough that these sorts of months long adventures will be less and less frequent.

      My oldest, however, is coming home for 2 weeks, lol. We text a lot each day and talk at least once a day, often twice. I mostly let him reach out, initiating a text every few days so he doesn’t feel like he’s doing all the work in our parent/child relationship.

      I don’t understand why some parents do guilt trips. Isn’t it less likely you’ll want to come home if she’s doing snide comments etc?

      I’m so sorry. Be firm on your boundary, and call out her actions when they happen.

      1. Annie*

        Some, I imagine, are repeating “scripts” from popular media, other family, etc. and have it ingrained in their “this is what family says to each other” bank. Others really do have the emotional reactions to family members’ actions, and it comes out this way.

        I feel like a lot of insensitive or thoughtless comments that are common perpetuate as media tropes and inherited social scripts.

      2. Not joking*

        My mom does explain she likes me and loves me and is expressing that to me so that I know I’m not a burden to her when I come visit – like she’s genuinely letting me know she loves to host me! She’s also happy to visit me and I know that feeling

      3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        I agree on the senselessness of guilt trips. Not guilting your kids can produce kids who WANT to spend time with you.

        My parents never guilt tripped me about spending more time with them, even though I’m sure they would have liked that. Guess who accordingly did want to come home and spend a bunch of time with them during the summer and during winter vacations? (Admittedly, I am in education, so I have more time “off” to spend.). And guess who chose to blow nearly her entire sabbatical dealing with her widowed dad’s multiple complex and dangerous health issues?

        My parents never guilt tripped me about calling them. When they were very old, guess who called them every single night to make sure they were okay?

        My parents never guilt tripped me about living far away. Guess who eventually decided that she WANTED to move closer to them when they got older to be more available if they needed me?

        Set your kids free and let them live their lives without guilt, and if you have a good relationship, knock wood, they’ll want to spend more time with you!

    7. Alex*

      I don’t know, but solidarity. You and I apparently have the same mom.

      I haven’t found the magic words to make her stop, but I do remind myself of a few things.

      First, no matter how long I stay, she will complain. If I say I’m staying three days, she will beg for four. If I say I’m staying seven, she will beg for eight. It’s like a reflex for her. So I just tell myself her complaining about my selfishness/cruelty is inevitable and not really even about me.

      Second, I remind myself I’m giving what I have to give. I allocate a certain amount of time I feel I can manage, and that is what I have to offer. Frankly, she can either take it or leave it.

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Yes to all this. My mother constantly guilt trips me with calling her more often. Not once has that increased the frequency of my calls. And it’s clearly not about me – rather, her own expectations based on her attachment style and the relationship she had with my grandmother.

        Sometimes I snap and say “I’ll only want to call you less if you keep saying that”. It hasn’t made her stop yet, but hard truths repeated over time are the only way she gets any message (after one particularly harsh “we are not having this conversation again” she no longer dares to comment about my weight, which is a huge win for me).

        2. Just Another Cog*

          The weight thing, Argh! Your Mom sounds just like my late MIL. My spouse has always had weight issues and she never passed by an opportunity to bring it to his attention. Our response was always “Yep. Something he’s aware of!” Maybe we should have been more direct like you, CFB. But also, some of the comments she made about the frequency of our calls to her made us wonder if she had a calendar where she kept track. It was unnerving.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            My dad dated this horrid woman after my mom died who harassed her diabetic son at Thanksgiving dinner, ganging up on him with his sister to criticize his weight, demand info on his A1C, etc. When he didn’t want to come to Thanksgiving the next year, she blamed her son’s wife for somehow alienating him from her. Zero self awareness.

            1. I Have RBF*

              Oooof.

              Too bad he didn’t say “Why would I come to eat with people who abuse me about my weight?”

              Seriously, zero self awareness or empathy.

    9. Decidedly Me*

      We’re doing 1 full day with one set of family and 4 with the other (who are going to complain that it’s too short while the other side is super thankful we’re carving out a day for them) and then 4 days to ourselves to recover from the holidays. So, about 2 weeks total counting travel days, but not the whole time with family and some days are semi-working. I don’t think I could survive 2 weeks with family to be honest…

      1. Travel Orrr*

        Yes, the problem is I am “budgeting” to give myself a few days in the New Year, which I think she suspects. I don’t feel bad about it but I don’t think there’s a productive conversation to be had there, and it’s not that she’s doing anything wrong – it’s just been a sh*t year, I find travel exhausting, and I’m broke, so every day I’m gone the expense are racking up in terms of petsitting etc

    10. Cheap ass rolling with it*

      My mom does the same. I got annoyed, until my SO reminded me — this is the way she’s saying she loves me. (We don’t say “I love you” in my family.) It’s her way of expressing she’s glad I’m there, and although realistically I can’t spend more time, she’s just glad I’m there.

      So when I am there, I focus on spending time with her. Doing small errands like grocery shopping and pushing the shopping cart for her while she slowly browses the produce. Or sharing an ice cream cone (which she shouldn’t because of her health, but it’s a small indulgence that’s not too unhealthy if we share). So relish the small moments.

      And when she does say it, I ignore it, or I sigh and say “yes, but I still have to work” and then change topics.

      1. Travel Orrr*

        Yes, honestly she is saying “I love you.” It’s just hard for me to hear it that way sometimes.

    11. Shiny Penny*

      I came across this fantastic advice for dealing well with people who are mentally ill or have dementia:
      Respond to the **emotion expressed,** not to the factual error.
      It is so helpful in a ton of other human interactions as well!

      So in this situation, you might try responding as if your Mom had said “I miss you and I wish I could see you more often!”
      Like, “Gosh I miss you, too! Four days seems so short— I feel like I miss you already!”
      Or, just segue into something like, “Yes! Remember when I was in college and I got to come home for three weeks and eat all your home cooking and do all my laundry? Those were special times!”
      I find segueing to historical reminiscences to be a huge and especially easy win in these situations. I would totally enjoy going down so many roads here— like “How often were you able to go back for Christmas once you had moved away and gotten a job? It was hard, I bet!” “How did you stay connected to your grandmother at holidays, as a young adult when you couldn’t go see her?” Etc etc.)

      I also think of this as treating the other person’s (difficult) conversational gambits as if the two of you were doing comedy improv together. Give them a “Yes, And” style of response— remembering that the “And” that you contribute can go in ANY DIRECTION!!!

      Also, if you respond in a ‘connecting’ way, instead of a conflict-y/disagreeing way (essentially “and” instead of “but”) it increases the odds that she will be able to shift away from the emotional rut of “we are not connected enough,” and she might mellow out on the kind of comments that set your teeth on edge!

      1. Travel Orrr*

        This feels right, I think. If I agreed with her too overtly, I think she’d just get hurt/confused next time I also didn’t come for two weeks – since we *both agreed* that was desirable, why don’t we set a two-week visit on the calendar right now, when my vacation rolls over? Why don’t we book two weeks for next Christmas since we both agree that would be the best? But if I just warmly redirect and agree that we love each other (not that I need to come for two weeks), that will probably be the easiest/best option.
        Honestly it’s a bit weird she forgets that after about five days she is sick of me being underfoot in her house/making a mess/ “ganging up on her” with my dad etc … but I do not forget!

        1. Ellis Bell*

          Is she the kind of person who growls her love at you? These examples kind of remind me of some people I know who have a zero-saccharine setting; the more mushy they feel they more they complain about minutiae, and cuff you about the ear. If this sounds at all right, would simply responding with “Aww, I love you too” land at all well? Or possibly even teasing her, or growling back yourself ‘Lets hear you say that again once I’ve been messing up your house for five days and eating all the leftovers”. Don’t do the latter if you think she feels at all criticised by your not being on board for max-length Christmas, or if she’s under the very particular type of social pressure which I like to call “Women everywhere must make Christmas better than last year, every year”.

    12. Hyaline*

      I feel like how to deal with this hinges on why she is saying these things. If she’s just expressing (understandable) disappointment that time is finite and your visit can’t be longer, I think just acknowledging the emotion that she’s having and then gently redirecting into enjoying the time that you have makes a lot of sense. “I know, it’s frustrating to have a limited time off. Should we take a walk in the park or bake cookies next?” But if she’s actually trying to guilt trip you— that is, she feels that you should have made your visit longer despite your time constraints— it might be uncomfortable, but I actually think that having a boundaries setting conversation with her if you haven’t done that already would be worthwhile. So if say you get two weeks of vacation and your mom really truly believes you should spend the whole time with her, assert that that is not going to happen. “I know it’s disappointing that my visits have to be short, mom, but I only get two weeks per year. While love spending time with you, I have to budget those days very strictly as I have other trips and commitments I value as well. A longer visit simply isn’t possible right now.“

    13. AK_Blue*

      Arriving at 11:00 pm and departing at 6 am and only staying for three full days! My parents were in my town a lot this past year for medical stuff, so I am planning on reminding them of the time we already enjoyed together this year. My spouse is staying home with our dog so my other plan is to remind them I need to spend time with _my_family.

    14. KateM*

      I’m going to have a Skype Santa with my parents and the rest of family as I have had for years now. No travelling at all. Maybe you should try it – perhaps it would reset your mother’s expectations and five days would look quite a lot for her in the future? :D

    15. EngineerRN*

      Before she has the chance to complain:

      “Mom, I don’t want to waste time during this visit. I’m here for the time I can be right now in my life, let’s focus on enjoying each other’s company.”

      You are not being cruel, she is being unreasonable and selfish. There are MANY ways she can stay connected with you other than being physically in your presence. I’ve never lived close to my parents as an adult, and one of the closest relationships I have outside my spouse & kids is my mom! We talk on the phone, chat, exchange memes & pictures, write letters and cards, etc.

      If are wants to know about your life, she needs to make an effort to step into your preferred methods of communication, and make that communication pleasant and comfortable.

  9. Festively Dressed Earl*

    Has anyone here ever been to Coconut Grove? I’m eyeing it as a long-weekend trip for my husband’s birthday next month. He’s been wanting to take a trip on the new Brightline train, so I figured I’d pick a place in South Florida to explore.

    1. Tammy 2*

      I used to live nearby. Vizcaya is well worth a visit. If you are a book person, Books & Books in Coral Gables is wonderful. If you go to South Beach to look at art deco architecture, Big Pink is a fun kitschy lunch spot.

    2. NB*

      My daughter goes to college in Miami and lives in Coconut Grove. If you like ice cream, you might want to visit Salt & Straw. Delicious and creative flavors. She also took us to a club on the water–I think it was Regatta Grove??? I’m not really into the club scene, but even I thought their set up there was pretty cool. We also went to a good restaurant called Motek. I still think about the meal we had there.

      I guess all I want to do when I travel is eat.

  10. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    I just (around 5 min ago) finished All That She Lost by Dalal Mawad. It’s a painful but good nonfiction book about the current situation in Lebanon, focused primarily but not exclusively on the effects of the Aug 4 2020 explosion in Beirut. It’s well-written, interesting, and worth reading, but parts are definitely grim.

    1. Rara Avis*

      I loved The God of the Woods (Liz Moore), so I’m reading one of her earlier books, Long Bright River.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I did the same about a month ago and I loved Long Bright River even more!!!

        Then I read Heft. Don’t recommend that one. An entirely different feel.

    2. Annie Edison*

      I’m about half way through Jameela Green Ruins Everything. It’s a farcical story about a very average middle-aged American Muslim woman who ends up getting sucked into a terrorist plot and assassination attempt on the leader of a terrorist organization that’s basically ISIS, but in the novel is known as DICK (short for Dominion of the Islamic Caliphate and Kingdom). It’s absurd and funny and I can’t stop reading it. Highly recommend

    3. word nerd*

      I recently finished The Death of the Necromancer, one of the Ile-Rien series by Martha Wells, which was fun and had some Sherlock-Holmesy vibes. I also binged John Scalzi’s Interdependency trilogy, but I was disappointed by the ending.

      I’m currently in the middle of Haruki Murakami’s latest book, The City and Its Uncertain Walls, which I have some ambivalence about. I think when I first started reading Murakami, it all seemed so fresh and interesting, but now his work all seems pretty much the same to me. While I considered stopping this book at first, I’ve kept going because the story has slowly drawn me in and made me want to see how things turn out. And every once in a while I find a line that’s lovely and that I want to savor.

      1. Double A*

        Murakami is so ephemeral to me. I’ve read a lot of his books and I don’t remember a thing from any of them. I can’t even say I liked them, even though I didn’t dislike them. They just kind of dissolve. The only one that stuck with me is his memoir about running.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Ohhh, I can’t wait to read that Murasaki! I can’t buy any books until after Christmas so I don’t mess up Husband’s shopping.

      3. CityMouse*

        Martha Wells is a tough one for me because I love Murderbot but almost DNF the Witch King. What are her other books like?

        1. MeMyselfI*

          Try The Cloud Roads – this is the first of her books/stories about the Raksura. I liked these a lot, though they are different from Murderbot.

          I also almost stopped reading The Witch King. I did finish it and liked it by the end, but it was tough to get into. The Raksura books, if you like fantasy, are much more engaging.

        2. word nerd*

          My favorite non-Murderbot Martha Wells is the Fall of Ile-Rien series (The Wizard Hunters, The Ships of Air, and The Gate of the Gods), which has some fun steampunk elements. But her fantasy writing is very different from Murderbot, and it’s ok if you prefer to stick to Murderbot! I’ve never been able to get into her Raksura books myself.

      4. Karstmama*

        Love Interdependency but hate how it ends, love Murderbot but don’t like her other works very much, just this fall got into the Discworld stories. The audible books of them are great!

    4. Double A*

      I’m almost done with Lonesome Dove (by which I mean I only have about 200 pages) and what can I say but wow.

      But it’s weird because I was reading 7 books then whittled it down, moved a couple of DNF status, and now for the first time in a long time I’m only reading one book.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I loved reading Lonesome Dove – and for me the mini-series version with Robert Duvall and Tommy Lee Jones was perfection, one of the best book-to-screen adaptations of all time. (It did change a few things here and there but overall it was spot-on, and the performances…. just wow.)

        One cautionary note: while quite a few main characters did survive the events of the novel, many of them didn’t make it through the sequels (or even properly into a sequel at all), so be warned!

    5. AcademiaNut*

      And older SF book, Children of the Atom by Wilmar H. Shiras (1953). The basic setup is a batch of mutant kids (the result of a nuclear accident that killed their parents not long after their births) with super intelligence.

      It’s a really interesting read. Very psychological in a Jungian way – there is a school psychologist who makes friends with one of the kids. The kids are interesting and varied, and the book is fundamentally very morally decent. There are a set of adults working hard to help and nurture the kids, the kids help each other, and when they are threatened by frightened people, they talk the mob out of their panic.

      1. Angstrom*

        You might be interested in the 1960 British movie “Village of the Dammned”, about a group of children with extraordinary powers.

        1. Hibiscus*

          Aka The Midwich Cuckoos, which is the title of the novel that inspired the movie and the new BBC/BritBox adaptation.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            YESSSS I love John Wyndham. I might re-up my BritBox account for that. He also wrote Day of the Triffids!

    6. TomfoolofaTook*

      Jane, Unlimited, by Kristin Cashore, is fascinating and intricate and has a heroine you really root for. It is fantasy, but well rooted in human feeling.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Reading through my Christmas books, just blitzed a fun little bauble called The Twelve Terrors of Christmas, with text by John Updike and Edmond Gorey illustrations. My favorite is seven, The Christmas Tree: “At night, you can hear it rustling and slurping water out of its bucket.”

    8. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Just finished How To Pronounce Knife by Souvankham Thammavongsa. It’s a short story collection about Lao immigrants. Right up my alley, as I often seek out narratives that focus on displacement, identity and belonging. This one was a little hit and miss for me in terms of resonance, but the stories I did like really left a mark, and I appreciated they’re very short (my reading attention span isn’t the best right now).

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison. Maia is the unwanted son of the unwanted fifth empress, living in a small rural spot with a guardian who hates him only because he’s not important enough to assassinate. Until everyone between him and the throne is assassinated, and he’s catapulted into a job he wasn’t trained for. There’s a Vorkosigan-esque focus on figuring out who he can trust, and who will do a good job, because he can’t run all aspects of the government himself even if he had been properly trained in governance.

      I quite liked this–actual violence is almost all off-screen, but the feeling of politics as a blood sport is very strong. It neatly sidestepped some tropes I find grating: Maia is very clear that the paths before him are “emperor” and “corpse” and doesn’t spend time bemoaning how he always dreamed of being a bard/historian/explorer. The story catches him at a liminal point, where he has realized that his childhood fantasies of gaining recognition are not realistic, but hasn’t yet replaced them with a new path that might be achievable–that state where you aren’t still the first thing but not yet the second thing. It addresses how the parties in an arranged marriage might be unthrilled about the politics constraining their choices, while also recognizing that if you are supported by your people’s tax dollars, finding personal fulfillment should not be the thing motivating your choices.

      1. Pam Adams*

        I’ve been binging Goblin Empower as my bedtime audiobook. It’s so soothing. I also love the sequels, which focus on a different character, a priest who can speak to the dead.

      2. eisa*

        “Witness for the Dead”, which follows a character who was introduced in Goblin King, is one of the very best books I know. Please read it too :)

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      I picked up Nexus by Yuval Harari. I have been thinking a lot of late about the effects of living in a garbage hose of disinformation, and something I return to is a point from his book Sapiens about how humans bootstrapped ourselves via shared narratives about the world. Our narratives are splintering–both agreement about what is real, and agreement about more philosophical questions. Nexus popped up as a look at information and how it is shared. Just started it, but I expect it will at least give me some interesting lines of thought.

    11. I take tea*

      I just read Lois Lowry’s The Giver. I hadn’t read it before for some reason, I’m not in the US, but I have read other things by her and liked it and I usually like YA dystopian tales. Apparently I just have never come across it. Anyway, my partner was listening to a podcast about banned books and thought that The Giver sounded interesting and asked me to pick it up from the library. I did and thought I’d have a look at it and I couldn’t put it down. I really liked how it presents the orderly world that everyone takes for granted and slowly we start seeing what they have given up to reach that order.

      I can understand how this book can simultaneously be on the required reading list in some schools and on the banned list on others. It sure opens the possibility to discuss the ideal community.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        I LOVE that book. It was my introduction to dystopian/sci-fi when I was around 10 and I still think it’s one of the best examples. The sequel Gathering Blue is also pretty good, but I wasn’t a fan of Messenger. The fourth one, Son, I don’t remember a lot about except that I felt like the sections of it mirrored my feelings on the other 3 books.

    12. Just Another Cog*

      I just finished “Small Fry” by Lisa Brennan-Jobs, about her relationships with her Mom, Dad, Steve Jobs and her stepmother, while growing up. Told from her perspective as a kid, it gave me the impression that she never felt like she belonged in either household and none of the adults come off as great parents. Reading about her life now, it seems like she has thrived in spite of it all.

    13. Old fashioned bookworm*

      I’m midway through an old series: Jalna or the Whiteoak Chronicles by Mazo de la Roche. it’s a family saga about a fictional family in Ontario, covering about 100 years. It’s old fashioned (16 volumes written between the 1920s and 1950s) and with varied quality of writing, but a good clean soap opera. I had heard about it since I was a kid (every library seemed to have them here in Michigan). I found all but two volumes in free pdf downloads and am enjoying them.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Oh, Jalna! I have not thought of those for decades! Thank you! I will put them on my 2026 reading list to rediscover, as my 2025 is already filled.

    14. GoryDetails*

      A couple of intense novels:

      A Case of Exploding Mangoes by Mohammed Hanif, set in Pakistan and inspired by a real-world plane crash – but in the novel there are multiple plot-threads and character-viewpoints filling in the details as to who’s plotting to do what to whom, and why.

      American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins: this one, set in Mexico, opens with a young boy hiding in his family home’s toilet when cartel henchmen open fire on a family party. Everyone but the boy and his mother are killed, and they must flee their home and try to get across the border into the US if they are to save themselves – but the cartel knows they’ve survived and wants to ensure that they don’t make it.

      Audiobook: I just found a new-to-me version of Hogfather on audio, and will be listening to that! (Had to have something a bit lighter after those previous books…)

    15. Nervous Nellie*

      Two for me this week. I am still luxuriating in Fernando Pessoa’s The Book of Disquiet (translated by Richard Zenith). Page after page of dreamy aphorisms and baffling koan-like statements. I don’t want it to end.

      And before I kick off The Year of Penguin Classics (1-2 per week in 2025, inspired by reading Pessoa, can’t wait, starting next week because I just can’t stand it), I am being dazzled by Mhudi by Sol T Plaatje, described as the first novel ever published in English by a Black South African writer. It was originally published in 1930, and was recently reprinted by the awesome Waveland Press in Illinois which mostly publishes textbooks but has an imprint in their Literature, Language and Writing catalog for lesser-known African writers (and as an aside they do the same for Caribbean, Latin American and Asian writers with excellent lists for all – worth exploring). The title character, Mhudi, is a young woman working as a harvester. Her romance with a birdman (exactly like it sounds) takes place during tribal wars in the 1830s. Plaatje corrects all the White authors’ biases, prejudices and ignorance about Black lives, and the typical narrative that women are passive. It’s a marvelous read – both as a story and as a historical milestone.

    16. Lurker*

      They’re not really new, but Agatha Christie’s novels are some excellent detective fiction. I just recently started making my way through her novels and they’re great!

    17. GoryDetails*

      And: I finished my last carrying-around book (the marvelous A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers), and have started The Long and Short of It by Jodi Taylor, a collection of stories set in the “Chronicles of St. Mary’s” time-traveling-academics series, some with a holiday theme.

      1. International Gifting*

        I love A Closed and a Common Orbit so much!! I always recommend the Wayfairer series but that book is just an incredible standout.

    18. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Based on a recommendation here, I ordered *The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi*, which I am hoping to start. I was intrigued to see that there is a Spanish translation, so I’m going to try that one to practice my Spanish reading! I may also re-read some *Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle* (on a Betty MacDonald jag).

    19. Jamie Starr*

      Mistress of Rome Kate Quinn. This was billed as historical fiction and romance. I haven’t read romance since…high school? I foolishly thought it would be more historical fiction than romance I guess? It was not, except the “romance” was [spoiler] usually kind of violent. And one of the main characters was a gladiator so there was all sorts of gladiator violence. Plus some of the writing was just…so cheesy that I literally laughed out loud. It wasn’t awful, but it got to a point where I was like, “This book is so dumb.” Evidently it’s the first in a series; I won’t be reading the others.

      I just started Rules of Civility by Amor Towles and am liking it.

      1. allx*

        I love Amor Towles–read A Gentlman in Moscow first based on recommendations here a few years back and that one remains my favorite. Liked Rules of Civility. Have had Lincoln Highway sitting on the nightstand for quite a few months. It’s come highly recommended by someone whose reading taste I trust but I haven’t gotten passed the first few pages. Based on zero data, I feel like it is going to be sad and so I hesitate to get started. I believe books have a right time to be read, and it seems now is not yet the time for Lincoln Highway.

        1. Jamie Starr*

          I have A Gentleman in Moscow on my “want to read list,” too. I found a copy of Rules of Civility on a pay-what-you-wish shelf at the library so that’s why I started with it. I’m not sure about Lincoln Highway; my copy of Rules of Civility has a chapter from it in the back so I can see what I think. I remember reading a blurb about it and it didn’t interest me that much.

    20. Angstrom*

      Stephan King’s “Fairy Tale”. Teenage boy becomes caregiver for old man and dog, discovers alternate world that’s a lot of fairy stories come to dystopian life. It’s a hero’s quest mash-up of all sorts of fables and legends including a bit of the Cthulu mythos.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Same. It’s probably my new favorite Stephen King novel, second only to The Dark Tower series. I absolutely ADORED it. It has some DT-ish elements, but it’s also very different.

      2. carcinization*

        I am so hoping to check that one out from the library over the holidays (I read fast). I need to add it to my list of stuff to do on 12/23 so I don’t forget!

    21. Bluebell Brenham*

      Finished Lenny Marks Gets Away with Murder, which has an Eleanor oliphant is Absolutely Fine vibe. I liked it a lot. On the nonfiction side, Garrett Bucks’ The Right Kind of White was an interesting look at White identity. I read his substack, so that led me to his memoir.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      I’m reading Fake History: 101 Things That Never Happened by Jo Hedwig Teeuwisse, aka The Fake History Hunter. Each short chapter repeats the myth and then debunks it. It’s fun!

    23. LdyLiberty*

      I just finished ‘A Pirate’s Life for Tea’ by Rebecca Thorne, which is the second in a series of cozy fantasy mystery/adventures. A mage and her fiance are trying to recover stolen dragon eggs, and in the process get caught up in drama with a pirate opposing a local lord who may be up to no good. It’s light reading, but very fun.

    24. cleo*

      I’m reading The Philistine by Leila Marshy. Novel set in the early 80s about a young (25 yo) Canadian Palestinian woman who goes to Cairo to reconnect with her father and ends up falling for an Egyptian woman. It’s beautifully written and I’m savoring it.

      It’s the first book I’ve checked out from the Queer Liberation Library (virtual library accessed through Libby) and I was so delighted when my hold became available.

      Next up is The Four Profound Weaves by R. B. Lemberg. I really love Lemberg’s queer fantasy Birdverse and I was delighted to win this book in an online giveaway. The only things I ever win are books, which is honestly fine by me.

  11. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’re playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    I’ve made some fun progress on my Stardew Valley farm this week. I tried a few new things including the Desert Festival – this is the first time I’ve played a spring in the game since this feature was added, and I enjoyed it. Now back to regular farming life.

    1. The Dude Abides*

      Slowly working through bulk MtG cards to find playables to set aside or buylist.

      So far, I’ve found a $10 uncommon that I was looking to pick up at some point.

    2. My Day*

      One of my petsites, Pixel Cat’s End, has an event starting at midnight, so I’m excited for that. It runs through the 23nd so hopefully I’ll be able to make enough time to get all the limited items! I made all these plans to be more social this month, oh well…

    3. Bananapants Circus with Dysfunctional Monkeys*

      Fell back into Diablo 4 (so happy bow rogue is viable again!), working my way through the new House Flipper dlc and surprisingly enjoying Palworld with my partner!

      Though if he redesigns the home base AGAIN when I’m offline I will be Having Words. Stop moving the machinery! it’s ruining my flow!

    4. Reluctant Mezzo*

      My healer still can’t make it past Ascian Prime in the Aetherochemical Research Facility in FFXIV. But I’m watching some videos and taking notes about where to move and how fast. (Two of my other characters did just fine, grr).

        1. Jay*

          Path Of Exile is a game made by giant fans of Diablo II who were so annoyed that no other Diablo II sequel games lived up to it that they made their own, better, Diablo II. Broadly similar plot and structure, but refined and turned up to 11. It is objectively more fun of an action RPG.
          Path Of Exile II is the sequel to that.
          It’s meant to take everything they got right in POE I and add some Dark Souls elements, making it somewhat slower paced, darker, and more difficult. It also has the most complicated skill tree imaginable. It’s great fun.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I was looking forward to Monument Valley 3 dropping this week. The play through was a bit underwhelming to me. Lovely animation, certainly more story than the first two. But I like puzzles, and they just weren’t very tricky.

      Immaculate vibes, though. So folks who prefer the cozy experience over the brain teasers would probably still like it a lot.

    7. Hibiscus*

      Working my way thru Cosy Grove: Spirit Camp. The storyline is more coherent this time around. It’s helpful for emotional regulation.

  12. Literally a Cat*

    This picture needs to be in an art gallery. I feel that the cat pictures in this blog is revigorating me every week, thank you.

    1. Anono-me*

      I think it looks like cover art for one of those murder mystery novels for people who like light reading, but don’t like to admit it.

        2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

          The recent picture of Wallace on the mantelpiece, about to pass through the Looking Glass, was a stunner!

  13. Don’t burn down the house*

    Any travel suggestions for Kansas City? I’m taking three teens for two weeks, and we’re going during 4th of July time.

    They aren’t too picky as far as food goes, and they have pretty varied interests. They have enjoyed many museums, hikes, and stores in the past.
    Any places to go/eat?

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Yes! I went in 1998 (!!) and it was wonderful. I still think about their surround-sound display that made you feel as if you were in the ballpark.

      1. The gourmet cupcake*

        Day trips too, we are going to Jefferson City, St. Louis, and independence. We are also looking at some rental cars, probably through turo.

        2. KCMO*

          For day trips St Joesph (about an hour to hour and a half north) has a few fun museums with the Pony Express, Jesse James home and hideout.
          Independence is basically a suburb and you can go to Truman’s home but his Presidential Library is really fantastic. Independence also has 1 of 2 drive in theaters in KC metro and it’s a fun thing in the summer (the one on the KS side might be closer to where you’re staying).
          In KC the Negro Basefall HOF is amazing, a hidden gem is the Arabian Steamboat Museum (a steamboat went down in the 1800s, the river changed course, it was buried under a field for hundred years, found, and all its contents were intact. It really was amazing), the KC zoo is a nice spread out zoo with a lot of walking paths, Powell gardens (outside of city) has nice walks and is great in the summer, WWI museum is the only one in the country and they do big lawn events for the 4th (sometimes weekend before so double check), the Plaza area has nice shopping and restaurants and has the Nelson Atkinson Museum which is great.
          I’d personally pass on Jeff City, BUT that’s close to the Lake of the Ozarks where you can hike, swim, and boat. Definitely research since there are different vibes in different locations depending on what you’re interested in (also avoid the 4th weekend it’s nuts and overcrowded).
          St Louis is 4 hours away and could be another long weekend. For teens check out The City Museum. AMAZING. It’s a 10 story facility that’s maybe best described as a ropes course meets acid trip. My teen and friends LOVE IT. It also has little bars and displays throughout so adults have something too.

          1. KCMO*

            Food- if you like BBQ KC has a dozen famous options. You can do a BBQ tour where you taste a little of everything and we take business partners on that when they visit and it’s always a hit. We also have lots of new and really great chefs doing different things in the Waldo area and Rivermarket.

            In St Louis if you like Italian you have to check out The Hill- Italian neighborhood with dozens of fantastic options. You also have to try Imos St Louis style pizza (you will love it or hate it and there’s no in between. You will also defend your decision to a duel if necessary).

            At the Lake, there are lots of fun dive restaurants that are great for summer grease. If you rent a boat you can float right up, and several have pools and live music that the teens would love.

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      If you can manage the drive (are you renting a car?) take a day and go to Independence, Missouri to see the Truman Presidential library. We also toured the Truman residence, walked around the small town square, and ate a meal at a nearby drugstore/diner. Truman was a man of his time and place but he also recognized the state of Israel (1948) and integrated the U.S. army (1947?). And when he was finished with living in the White House, he and his wife Bess returned to their home town.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        When my dad was in college in the late 50s/early 60s, he and some friends were on a road trip and they stopped in Independence. Truman also kept an office in town, and they impulsively stopped by and got to meet him.

        1. The gourmet cupcake*

          I think we saw Truman’s home on google maps. I think it’s painted bright yellow (!)
          I’d have to check if there’s a tour or if we can only walk by.

      1. The gourmet cupcake*

        Great suggestions! I’ve been to the wwi museum, my husband and I spent four hours there, and I’m not joking.
        Never been to the Negro League Museum, I think the kids will enjoy learning about that side of baseball history.

    6. Rick Tq*

      I haven’t been, but the Steamboat Arabia museum sounds fascinating. She was lost in 1856 and the wreck was discovered in 1988 after being undisturbed for over a century, so the 200 tons cargo was still intact and preserved under 40 feet of Kansas soil.

    7. Seal*

      The National World War I Museum and Memorial. The memorial itself was dedicated in 1926; it was named by Congress as the official WWI museum in 2004. While the architecture (Egyptian Revival) of the memorial alone is worth a visit, the museum is excellent. Highly recommend.

    8. Mumwa*

      I have family in Columbia, which is a two-hour drive from Kansas City. There’s some cool stuff to see do/around there, including Rock Bridge State Park and the Devil’s Icebox, which is the entrance to an extensive cave system. Also, the Ozark Mountain Biscuit Co. in Columbia is THE place to eat right now — we kept going back for breakfast and lunch last time we were in town.

      There’s the Katy Trail along the Missouri River. You can walk or rent bikes and ride. It’s really scenic, and since it follows an old rail line, it runs through old tunnels and you can see the holes they drilled for dynamite in the cliffs along the river. There are also a number of old towns along the river that can be neat to visit, like Rocheport (near Columbia).

      The National Churchill Museum in Fulton is pretty awesome, although I think my family personally liked wandering through the old Christopher Wren church that’s there the best.

      And my family did a tour of the Missouri state capitol in Jeff City that was a lot of fun (with the caveat that we were with a family member who was a state legislator, which is why we got to go up into the cupola — I don’t think that’s standard). The Supreme Court building across the street from the capitol has the papers from the Dred Scott case on display; those were amazing to see. Central Dairy in Jeff City has fantastic ice cream.

    9. Procedure Publisher*

      I remember going to Science City when I went to KC when I was in high school. It was in the train station and there were some places to eat there.

    10. Mrs. Frisby*

      I haven’t been but really really want to go to the Rabbit Hole museum. It’s a children’s literature museum that is supposed to be amazing. It’s on my list if I ever make it to Kansas City!

    11. Reindeer Hut Hostess*

      In KC: See what’s happening at the Starlight Theater during your trip. It’s a really cool venue.

      In STL: The zoo and botanical garden are must-sees. If nobody is claustrophobic, the teens might like to go up to the top of the Arch. Also, Main Street Saint Charles is fun.

      But St. Louis is a bit too far from KC for just a day trip. You might want to plan to stay a couple of nights in STL if you make the trip. It’s a 4-hour drive.

      1. Reindeer Hut Hostess*

        Follow-up thought: In STL, if you’re anywhere near a Sauce On The Side location, give it a try. Two people can split a lunch/dinner calzone, then split an apple pie calzone for dessert! Delicious!

    13. A Little Bit Alexis*

      This is late but hopefully you’ll see it. I definitely recommend renting a car. Public transportation is free and we do have plenty of Ubers, but KC is not as walkable as bigger cities. Also, it will be HOT.

      Things to do:
      – Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art: it’s free and you could spend most of a day (or multiple days) here. Rozzelle Court has a little coffee shop/restaurant and is a fun place to rest for a bit in between exhibits.
      – The River Market district has a great farmer’s market on Saturdays and several really good restaurants. Il Lazzarone pizza is one of my favorites in town. The KC Current stadium is in this area, and it’s the first stadium built specifically for a women’s team.
      – The Plaza is a shopping/restaurant district. It isn’t as good as it used to be, but it’s enough to spend an afternoon. You could hop over to Westport for a different vibe and some good local restaurants.
      – Shawnee Mission Park is a huge park with lots of trails and a lake where you can rent kayaks. There are quite a few trail systems in the metro area.
      – Taste of Kansas City’s Original Food Tour: I love food tours because they’re a great way to learn the history of the city and try out some local restaurants. KC’s history is more interesting than most people know.
      – Royals baseball game: The Royals will almost certainly play at home sometime during your trip and games are fun!
      – Lawrence, KS would make a fun day trip, it’s less than an hour away. It’s a college town (University of Kansas), and has a great downtown with lots of local shops and restaurants. They have numerous trail systems as well, and Clinton Lake is on the outside of town.
      – Union Station and the Crossroads District: Union Station is beautiful, and houses Science City, a movie theatre and several restaurants/coffee shops. They often have national traveling exhibits on rotation as well (currently it’s the Disney 100 exhibit).

      Restaurants:
      – Eating BBQ is not negotiable in KC. There are a million options, but the classics you’ll hear about are Joe’s KC, Jack Stack, Arthur Bryant’s and Gates. I recommend Joe’s or Jack Stack of those. Q39 is newer but also super popular, and my personal favorite. There are a lot of locally-known places as well, you could eat it every day and never go to the same place twice.
      – The Peanut is a local bar that’s been around for a long time. All their food is good, but the wings are exceptional.
      – Brewer’s Kitchen is my favorite place for a burger.
      – The Roasterie and Parisi coffee are two local coffee roasters, you can also tour the Roasterie’s facility.

  14. MozartBookNerd*

    Listening to podcasts or music play at a slow speed? Would love any tips — I really find slow-speed listening to be great for relaxing or getting to sleep.

    I use Overcast for podcasts (on my iPhone 15), and it allows a slowdown to about .8 speed, but that’s not really slow enough. (I used to use Apple’s native “Podcasts” app, but I changed to Overcast several years ago when Apple one imposed an “upgrade” that was full of annoying bugs. I remember that the Apple one allowed drastic slowdowns – but I’m leery of going back to the Apple one unless commenters here think it’s gotten better again.)

    And for music, I’m even more stumped! I’d soooo love to listen to classical pieces – ones that I already know well – at a reduced speed, savoring the pieces in new ways. It must be possible but I’m in need of basic pointers!

      1. MozartBookNerd*

        That’s the general idea yes thanks — But Pocket Cast looks like it’s only for Android, not Apple. And I wonder about music too as opposed to podcasts . . . .

      1. MozartBookNerd*

        Interesting to know. Spotify has always been a mystery to me! I’ve never needed it for music per se, but the slow play sounds great.

    3. Angstrom*

      There’s an app called The Amazing Slow Downer which can slow music without changing the pitch. Very popular with music students.

  15. SILgift*

    Gift idea for a long distance SIL (in her early 40s with 2 dogs, no kids)? I usually only see her 2-3 times a year, so I don’t know her all that well. She has the means to do/buy just about anything she wants. In the past, I’ve done useful household items, fun costume jewelry, and international snacks, but I don’t feel like I’ve hit on THE thing that she would like. My partner isn’t a big help in this because he is also not a big gift-giver.

    1. Jamie Starr*

      If she gets manicures/pedicures you could try to find out if there is a specific place she goes to and get a gift certificate. Is she a coffee, tea, or wine drinker; or likes plants/flowers? There are all sorts of companies that you can buy gift subscriptions – like Horti (website is heyhorti dot com) has a monthly plant subscription. Or a Blue Bottle coffee subscription.

    2. Brevity*

      What sort of stuff does she like to do? You can buy tickets to places or gift certificates to any number of activities. Restaurant gift cards are sometimes good. Does she like theatre, going to the movies, the zoo, ice skating, baseball games? You can usually get gift cards or certificates for pretty much anything; and it’s nice because she can schedule the thing for whenever suits her.

      In general, I’ve found that giving people things to do instead of stuff to dust is always really appreciated.

    3. RLC*

      Do you have any shops in your area selling unique locally-made items, or “made in [your state/your province]” items? I’ve gifted far away family and friends with locally made candy, jams, candles, small art pieces, jewellery, etc. Something they wouldn’t find in shops in their area.

      1. Cookies for Breakfast*

        Seconding this. If you’ve spent time together where you live, is there anything she’s particularly enjoyed? In similar situations with friends and distant family, my go-to is making a mental note of local food things or crafts they enjoy, and getting those as gifts. I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of gift too and it’s always lovely, both in terms of the present and of the bonding moment.

    4. Shiny Penny*

      Two dogs? Dogs are usefully accessory intensive!
      Maybe a dog book?
      Mary Oliver is the classic dog poet these days, and there’s always new training theory books, or dog neurology books, or “humans and dogs coexisting well together” books…
      Also dog puzzle games, or dog puzzle toys…

    5. Ashley*

      Maybe something for the dogs?
      If she has a car, a subscription for roadside assistance. It is something I don’t really need with the age of my car but am glad to have.

      1. Chaordic One*

        You never know when you might have a flat tire or your car’s battery might run down and you’ll need a jump, even with a new car or new tires. A surprisingly useful gift.

    6. Sloanicota*

      I feel like a book you’ve enjoyed and think she might like (broadly) is always a thoughtful gift. If you really don’t feel that you know her, I tend to stick to interesting upbeat nonfiction topics.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am in my 40s with two dogs and no kids, and I would be delighted if someone sent me an assortment of treats for my pups. I’m generally in the same boat where I am kind of hard to shop for because if I need or want something I usually just buy it for myself (or else it’s expensive enough that I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with someone else buying it for me), but my dogs are super important to me and much easier to shop for, haha. Not like, the average grocery store box of Milkbones or something, but something a little nicer – the Three Dog Bakery (available at Target) does doggy oreos or other people style doggy cookies in holiday boxes, for example.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      I would lean toward the interesting food. Even if I don’t finish the cardamom flavored syrup or whatever, I had the option of trying a new thing. It takes out the mental labor of “Out of all the new things in the world to try, which one is the best choice?”

    9. EA*

      Do you know if she likes to read or listen to audiobooks? A faraway aunt once gave me an Audible giftcard plus a list of her top ten audiobooks of the year with a description & her commentary. For books you could get her a giftcard to a local shop near her. I thought this was a nice way of giving something useful while also personalizing a gift, if you don’t see her often enough to know what she has read.

    10. Tulip*

      Perhaps a donation in her name to a charity you think she’d appreciate? I’ve done that for family members w/ the organization Heifer, and they’ve sent cards I can personalize and give to my relatives.

    11. Sara K*

      Is your SIL a foodie? I once bought someone a monthly artisan cheese delivery. There were 2-3 cheeses each month and each had hilariously over the top tasting notes (think wine but instead of terroir and varieties, it was all about what the goats whose milk was used ate).

  16. cameraAdvice*

    I love taking photos of animals at zoos, in trees, flying overhead, etc. I’ve got a camera with 20x optical zoom, but it’s getting old, and it’s not great with taking pictures if anything’s moving. Any suggestions for a good digital camera with a lot of zoom, deals well with movement, and isn’t very big – can fit in a coat pocket? Thanks!

  17. Anax*

    Jury duty update: It’s done! It went ok!

    Thanks for the advice, folks. I was lucky, and security didn’t give my knitting a second glance, so I knit a whole sock during jury duty.

    The case: A local fellow drank about two liters of beer at the bar, then got in a fender-bender while driving home. No one was hurt, thankfully, and the charges were misdemeanors (driving while under the influence of alcohol, driving with a BAC over 0.08, and hit-and-run property damage), so hopefully the defendant ends up ok in the long run. He looked quite miserable, as I’m sure you can imagine.

    My personal read is that the defense lawyer was very young and new, and determined to fight the case tooth-and-nail. She spent a lot of time during voir dire… almost trying to make her opening statements, rather than simply selecting the right jury. She asked every member of the prospective jury for their personal definition of the word “fair”, for instance, among half-a-dozen other questions. On the other hand, there were about four people excluded from the jury because they said that they couldn’t abide by “innocent until proven guilty”, and they would need affirmative evidence of innocence to acquit. Go figure. Maybe she was onto something.

    The district attorney was also quite young, but seemed much more polished and businesslike. I think this was considered a very clear-cut case with relatively low stakes on all sides, so more inexperienced lawyers were given the case.

    I ended up on the jury, probably in part because they were literally running out of people in the jury pool. Lots of scheduling conflicts in December, and lots of strong emotions about DUI.

    The first day and a half was jury selection, which was… a bit interminable, though that was mostly for me because the pew-style wooden seats really tweaked my hip. Ouch. I was limping pretty badly, between that and the requirement to leave the room and come back in frequently – there was a jury assembly room, but it was across the building and down a flight of stairs, and I was not up to limping that far.

    Once I was on the actual jury, things went much more quickly. I didn’t feel like the defense had a very clear theory of the case; it seemed like she was just trying to throw spaghetti at the wall, while the prosecution felt a lot more polished, and was the only side to bring witnesses or evidence.

    (Attempts to raise reasonable doubt included:
    – The defendant secretly threw up in his mouth, in the five seconds while an officer had their back turned to demonstrate heel-to-toe steps, and that made the breathalyzer test invalid.
    – The defendant had consumed about 60 oz of beer so quickly that he was not yet drunk when he got in a fender-bender. (How big is this man’s stomach, and why would he chug two liters of beer?)
    – The driver of the other vehicle was at fault – which doesn’t matter in a hit-and-run property damage case, the problem is that he left without exchanging information.)

    It was a pretty clear-cut case in my opinion; I was actively looking for any possible scenario where the defendant wouldn’t be guilty, and I couldn’t think of anything that made sense. Definite mixed feelings about the American judicial system, and carceral punishment in general, but… this seemed pretty fair. We weren’t told about sentencing/punishment, but it sounds like the penalties for first-offense DUI in my jurisdiction are typically a few months without a driver’s license or with an ignition interlock device, several hundred dollars in fines, and informal probation. Not fun, but probably not life-destroying – which seems fair for a dumb mistake. (Seriously, in our town we have on-demand busing that will take you anywhere in the city limits for $3, which was available at the hour he drove. He had options.)

    The jury pretty rapidly found the fellow guilty on “driving with a BAC over 0.08” and “hit-and-run property damage”, but we hung on “driving while under the influence of alcohol”, because one fellow … well, he was absolutely convinced that a 0.12 BAC is not ipso facto evidence that you are not safe to drive, especially when you DID get into an accident and then drive across town on a metal rim, sparks flying everywhere, and try to hide from the cops. Perhaps the defendant is the one guy in a million who can drive safely while drunk, and the traffic accident had nothing to do with whether he was drunk!

    I don’t understand it either, and literally everyone else was baffled and frustrated; we spent over two hours trying to convince him on that point, before giving up and reporting a hung jury on that point. Since all three charges were misdemeanors, and it was clearly a case of “this one juror is a loon”, they let us go home.

    I *was* able to knit through the whole trial; the judge had no issue with it – he made eye contact, watching for a bit (probably to make sure I was paying attention), and then smiled and looked away. He actually complimented me on being a fantastic jury foreperson at the end.

    It probably helped that I was very visibly paying attention and taking notes, and my knitting was visible but pretty unobtrusive and in my lap. I can knit with my eyes closed, and “I’m doing something with my hands but making eye contact the whole time” was apparently acceptable.

    Doodling would actually have been much more conspicuous; we didn’t have a surface to write on, just clipboards and notepads, so looking down the whole time would have seemed strange, and almost any other fidgeting or movement would also have been more visible!

    I had imagined that especially during jury selection, we would have more of a … lobby-area, before being called in either in small groups or solo for the attorneys to ask questions.

    That was when I thought a book or craft would be most needed – but I think that part is actually done virtually in my jurisdiction. We had a zoom call on Friday where they called out about 250 names, and people had to announce whether they were able to serve or if they had a reason they were unavailable (like a financial hardship or prepaid travel). Other than the first 15 minutes, we were in a courtroom or sitting in the hallway for all three days.

    So, lessons learned:
    1) Not too bad! Tedious, but really interesting to see first-hand.
    2) Court is the one place where *everyone* will make a careful note of your preferred honorific (Mr.), and consistently use it.
    3) Knitting is a great icebreaker in the courthouse hallway. I liked most of the folks I talked to, and it was neat to see a random cross-section of the county.

    1. Argonaut*

      Very glad you had a good experience! So many people assume it will be a drag. I have been on four juries (even though I am a lawyer — go figure) and in addition to it being my civic duty :-), I found three of them interesting (one was soooooo boring). So I hope if people can see their way clear to serving, they will do so.

      Thanks for describing it, too! Interesting! And hopefully show others that it’s not so bad.

      1. Anax*

        Honestly, my only complaint is that the chairs could be more comfortable!

        I’m lucky enough to get five days per year of paid jury duty, and my work has pretty generous PTO in general – I definitely felt for the folks who had to take their jury service days as unpaid days off.

        Other than that, it really wasn’t so bad. I’m not chomping at the bit for next time, but I won’t be trying to wiggle out of it either. :)

    2. Morning Reader*

      I’m a little jealous! I was called to jury duty but apparently, the way it’s done here is that you call (or check online) the night before to see if you have to report. So I did that but I never had to report. I guess I’m lucky but I was curious about the whole thing.
      For the seating, if it was known in advance, I would suggest bringing a cushion or blanket to sit on to mitigate the hard chairs. When I had a class with uncomfortable chairs, I brought a previous project, a thick knitted blanket.
      In my situation I had filled out an initial form they sent with the info that I am hard of hearing and might need assistance hearing (amplifier or assistive device) in the courtroom, and that I had previously been a witness in a felony trial many years ago. I suspect one of those might have been a factor in not being called to report but I hope it was the felony one, because it would be problematic if people with disabilities were excluded from juries.
      It’s my third time being notified of jury service but I’ve still never done it. Once in forwarded mail when I had just moved out of that county, once during Covid but then court was canceled, now this when I didn’t have to go in.
      I wonder if having testified in a trial before will always keep me out of a jury pool? I’ve been a registered voter for nearly 50 years and still never done it.

      1. Anax*

        It’s actually the angle and size of the seat that gets me, rather than hardness!

        The bench/pew-style seats used before we were in the jury box were particularly bad; something about the slight upward angle really tweaked my bad hip. That was unexpected; I’ve never sat on a seat like that before, I guess!

        I literally *always* sit cross-legged or with one leg under me – sitting “normally” is really painful for my hip and butt, even on a soft, supportive chair. I spent every break sitting on the tile floor to give my poor butt a break.

        Unfortunately, “accommodate me by letting me sit on the floor” isn’t likely, so I’ll just ask for a chair to avoid the bench seats, and see if I can get the official ok to sit on the floor during breaks. Technically, that wasn’t allowed, and the security staff did shoo me off to a bench whenever they caught me.

        (I’m a nightmare for ergonomics, I’m sure. Not sure what the deal is, but I do have a connective tissue disorder and assume that’s related.)

        I bet it was the previous testimony – we had several folks excluded because they’d had previous experiences with cops or the legal system, including being witnesses. A bummer to be excluded if you don’t want to be, but maybe another time! My folks have been registered voters for 40+ years and have only been on a jury once, so the commonness does seem to vary a lot by jurisdiction.

    3. The OG Sleepless*

      I’ve been on two juries, and I genuinely came away with a positive feeling about the judicial system. Both juries took their task very seriously and really wanted to be fair. In one of them, the plaintiff represented herself and had no idea what she was doing. The judge and the defense attorney were unexpectedly kind and patient, and she actually won a partial victory. I got to chitchat with some nice people, too.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That was my one experience actually getting seated on a jury as well — we took our job seriously.

        On the other hand, there was almost a terrible injustice committed. Our jury made a mistake filling out the (admittedly quite confusing) form about the damages we were awarding, and we accidentally awarded way less than we intended. When we realized our mistake and told the judge back in the courtroom that wasn’t what we had meant, he sent us back to the jury room.

        The bailiff kindly told us the outcome was that, in light of the higher amount of damages that we had meant to award, instead of re-litigating the case with a fresh jury, the parties agreed to a settlement agreeable to the plaintiff. So it all worked out okay in the end, but it showed how easy it is for something to go a bit awry with the system.

    4. Turtle Dove*

      I enjoyed reading your description! I especially liked your personal read on the defense lawyer and why you think inexperienced lawyers were given the case. Insightful.

      Maybe the juror who “was absolutely convinced that a 0.12 BAC is not ipso facto evidence that you are not safe to drive” was expressing his belief that he himself is a safe driver after several drinks consumed quickly. If so, yikes.

      Thanks for the follow-up!

      1. Anax*

        Yikes indeed. My personal read was that it was *probably* an overly-literal reading of the law, but the alternative definitely crossed my mind.

    5. PhyllisB*

      I’ve only served on one jury. The case I heard was for an inmate in the local jail who discovered a broken window catch and used it to escape. He defended himself and actually put forth a good, eloquent argument. Except he was…guilty!! His defense was this was this was like leaving a dish of candy in front of a child and telling them not to eat any.
      We quickly found him guilty, but we were all impressed with his conduct in court, and we joked about recommending he consider law school when he was released.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      I am glad it worked out for you! I doodled though the whole trial I was on the jury last July, honestly don’t thing anyone cared, since I wrote the copious notes as well.
      We had a massive jury pool and a long voir dire, I was #54 and still got selected.
      It was, from a first glance, a very clear cut murder trial, with drug dealing, unsympathetic* accused, witnesses who are currently in prison, live-in motel, the whole deal.
      The state DA stand in (county DA had a conflict of interest) had overplayed his hand in the whole “you nice suburban middle class folks surely don’t want THESE people in your county), and was visibly shocked the jury going the defendant not guilty by the reason of self defense.
      The whole process was super interesting.

    7. Harlowe*

      Are you allowed to share all this detail? I was under the impression juries were supposed to keep this stuff private. Maybe my state differs.

      1. CityMouse*

        In most states once you’re released, you’re allowed to discuss everything. Grand juries are different.

        2. Anax*

          Yep! That was what we were told. We can talk to anyone about any and all details now. I *think* the trial was even livestreamed – we just aren’t allowed to talk about it while we’re still deliberating, so our judgment isn’t swayed by outside opinions or information.

        3. Clisby*

          That’s how it was when I served on a jury. There *might* be different rules for grand jurors? Not sure.

      2. RussianInTexas*

        We were told when released from mine that we are allowed to talk about anything to anyone.
        Petit jury vs grand jury, which is confidential.

    8. Jackalope*

      I’ve only been called once to jury duty and unfortunately didn’t get selected to be on a jury. I came in the first day and was in a group called back to be possible jurors, but they had too many people and didn’t get to me before they had a full group. I was a little bit bummed since I’d genuinely wanted to try it out, but it was a fun experience. My strongest memory is that most of the day we were just waiting, and so I read an entire book that day (which was long and a bit slow). Obviously I wasn’t reading while in the actual court waiting to see if I’d be selected, but we got divided up into a lot of groups and had to wait until each group got called back and that part was pretty long.

    9. allathian*

      I’m reading these with interest, given that we don’t have juries, although some courts have a panel of lay judges (the chair is a pro).

      The most interesting thing for me is the tradition of French terms like voir dire, grand jury, petit jury, etc.

        1. Texan In Exile*

          “Blank-O” Road in San Antonio is why I no idea what La Hoy Ah might be in California. Or why nobody ever talked about La Joll Ah.

          1. Ctherocker*

            Blanco is actually a French / Cajun surname in Louisiana. My sister and her family lived on Blanco for a while. Now theyre in far north central.

      2. Anax*

        There’s a ton of Latin too – although I think plain English has been much more favored for the past few decades. In a basic US law class, you’ll definitely hear about “mens rea” and “in extremis” and “in loco parentis” and all sorts of Latin terms.

        It shows how things have really accreted over time, I guess; legal precedent is fascinating but a *lot*.

    10. RussianInTexas*

      For the trial I was on, the DA had to bring someone from AG’s office due to conflict of interest.
      The traveling AGA was So Very Texan. He wore cowboy boots with his suit, a flag pin, massive jug of a water bottle that looked like a hand grenade, etc. He pushed hard into “y’all are in Texas, of course you know how firearms work, you know how the castle doctrine works, you know you don’t want THOSE people here, etc”.
      To a jury that had 9 non-white people, 6 women, and at least 5 naturalized citizens. The county where I live is suburban but extremely diverse. I didn’t think he really got that.

    11. Mimmy*

      Thank you for sharing your experience! I’ve always wanted to serve on a jury; my husband was on a federal jury several years ago and found it really fascinating.

      The one time I was actually called in, my number was called a couple of times. I remember feeling like we were being herded like cattle. Waiting in the actual courtroom was b-o-r-i-n-g because you couldn’t bring anything in with you. I did get as far as hearing the lawyers present the case and we filled out the qualifying questions. However, after another long wait, I think they couldn’t find an interpreter for one of the litigants and ended up settling the case.

      I was annoyed because I contacted the court ahead of time to request accommodations for my hearing and vision disabilities. However, there were no accommodations. I could not hear the lawyers and the questionnaire was in small print.

    14. Manders*

      Thanks for the update! I’ve served twice and loved it, but I was on interesting cases (first was robbery, kidnapping and assault, the second was robbery and murder). I came away with an overall good feeling about that part of the judicial system, although we had some looney people on both juries.

  18. International Gifting*

    How do you send gifts internationally? (US to Bulgaria, specifically). My brother & his family emigrated this year and I’d still like to send a Christmas gift to my niece, but I realized I’m running short on time. But I also don’t even know where to start. Suggestions?

    My niece is 8 so looking at a toy/book kind of gift, not looking for specific gift suggestions but maybe someone has suggestions for European online shops that would be a good option.

    1. AcademiaNut*

      At this point, priority air mail – surface mail needs to be sent out well over a month in advance to guarantee delivery by Christmas. Check the import country’s regulations – usually there’s a cash limit for shipping gifts below which you don’t have to pay import duty.

      Another option might be to use one of the European Amazon stores, for a more local shipment. I would probably avoid the UK store because they’re out of the EU. Use google the plugin to translate the site to navigate. Kid’s books can have quite good selections internationally.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yes, or a gift card or ticket for an experience can be sent instantly via email and is still fun and thoughtful! You can ask your brother he can print it and put it in an envelope if “opening” the gift is important to her, unless that’s too much to ask him (I try not to do this to my sister but sometimes it happens.

        1. Red Rose*

          I don’t think Ireland has its own Amazon site yet, though. Just checked and was redirected to the UK site, but that may be because I’m currently in the UK? When I lived in Ireland pre-Brexit we usually just ordered from the UK site, or sometimes the sites of other EU countries like Italy or Germans.

    2. Catherine*

      Sorry to bring bad news but it’s probably far too late already!! But it might be fun to have something arrive in January anyway!

    3. Kaleidoscope*

      I would ask your brother what local stores or experience or needs/wants your niece has and try and buy something online but based where they live.

      Or accept that a gift will likely arrive in January.

      1. Ashley*

        Although if you are looking for books you might be able to call the store locally and order direct from the store. I have done this stateside for family far away. I think this works because the recipient lives in a not big town and they are frequent customers so when the order is ready and wrapped they just call them to tell them.

      2. Sloanicota*

        In this specific circumstance I’d probably ask my brother to buy the item from me, gift wrapped, and send him the money for it.

    4. Cordelia*

      I’m sorry, but I think you’re too late. Could you ask your brother to buy something and wrap it from you, and transfer him the money?
      Last posting dates for Christmas are always way earlier than you expect, as I’ve learned from past experience…

      1. International Gifting*

        Ugh, I guess so. It’s been a busy season at work and I hadn’t even thought about it.

        This might just be to consequence of them moving overseas, Christmas is gonna get skipped this year.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’ve tried to do this and bear in mind you will have a lot of trouble buying from an EU store online with a US credit card. You might have to do a bank transfer or similar.

    6. International Gifting*

      Well this is a bit disheartening! I will ask my brother about buying something locally and wrapping it up from us.

      Any ideas of gift cards or anything that can be used in Europe? I’m surprised there’s no ideas for a European website I could order from. Don’t Europeans order stuff across borders or maybe not so much?

      1. Retirednow*

        I did a little bit of digging – there are a lot of toy stores in Sofia , but a number of them didn’t have any translation. I’m wondering if any big department stores like Marks & Spencer or whatever would be able to ship from the UK to Bulgaria more easily. I have bought things from Marks & Spencer myself, to ship here though.

        I wonder what the issue is asking your brother to get something and sending him cash or reimbursing him in someway?

      2. Weegie*

        As suggested above, one of the Amazon EU sites is your best bet – probably Germany, France or Italy. The two things to consider with ordering and having a physical gift sent from one of those countries to Bulgaria are 1) the cost of postage could be high, depending on how big/heavy the gift is; 2) it might not reach Bulgaria in time for Christmas.
        Yes, people do buy and send gifts or gift cards across Europe all the time – they’re either buying a gift in their own country and posting it to another, or they’re ordering from Amazon or similar online platforms and having them sent. I have a relative in an EU country that doesn’t have it’s own site, so I usually buy a gift or a digital gift card for him from Amazon.de, which borders his country and ships to it. It would be more thoughtful to send a hamper from Fortnum & Mason, but this is more practical!
        With a gift card, you’re still going to have to factor in postage costs unless they use it to buy an ebook or other download, or they buy something that isn’t too expensive to post.
        Given the short timescale involved, if you order, say, a book or dvd from Amazon Germany today, it might not be too expensive to ship and could just get there in time for Christmas. Otherwise it will take you forever to search around the various countries’ online vendors to find one that a) ships to Bulgaria or b) sells gift cards that can be spent in Bulgaria, or used to buy something in the Eurozone and shipped to Bulgaria (in which case, you might as well buy an Amazon gift card :-) ).

    7. Hyaline*

      Given the cost of international shipping…I don’t. I would see if there is a membership, event tickets, or lesson/class you could pay for and make it your gift—maybe send a card with clues or pictures to illustrate it.

  19. Ladybird*

    I would like to be more knowledgeable about the world.
    I’m a white, British, middle-aged (almost), non-religious woman who is well educated but I feel like my education has been much narrower than it could be.

    What are your go to places to learn more about other cultures, world religions, minorities, lesser-known current affairs etc?

    Books, blogs, podcasts, websites, maybe short courses.

    I’d like to make next year the year of knowing more ‘stuff’

    1. Baapi gazhagens*

      The podcast “Secret life of Canada” by CBC is fantastic, and the free, open online course “Indigenous Canada” from the University of Alberta is one I cannot recommend enough. Even as an Indigenous person in canada I learned some things.

      Also on the topic of “stuff” there’s a podcast called “Stuff the British Stole” that’s quite interesting, and if you like science things I recommend the YouTube channel “SciShow” for a well-researched jumping off point into a wide range of topics. Also on YouTube, “Ask a Mortician” has some great compassionate and sensitive videos on death and dying that includes different cultural perspectives.

      1. Ladybird*

        Lovely. Thank you!
        I am actually a history teacher so pretty up on what the British have stolen! And actually that’s one of the triggers for me wanting to expand the breadth of my knowledge. I was educated at a time of ‘the British Empire is marvellous and we will not hear of any dissenting opinion’ and unpacking and re-educating myself about this has opened my eyes up to how narrow my education was.

        1. The Princeton Tory*

          “I am actually a history teacher so pretty up on what the British have stolen! ”

          Aw, all the problems with the teaching profession wrapped up in one little package.

    2. Ashley*

      I had a professor in college who would read newspapers from around the world. He had 3 or four from different countries. I definitely remember one being based in Australia and another being from a Caribbean island country. I always felt like that gave some nice balance.

    3. Literally a Cat*

      Go to local community cultural events. They tend to be far more authentic, as people are just trying to live their lives instead of being Top 1 Streamer of Diaspora Heritage.

      Source: am an immigrant, and rarely impressed by any commercial attempts to “bring my culture to the world”. They almost always have to self white-gaze to a comical level just so they are allowed to exist.

      1. Anono-me*

        Many cities have ‘Festival of Nations’ events wher various groups have tables and do exhibitions. Attending one of these, could help you contact people who want to share their culture and history.

    4. Sloanicota*

      Perhaps narrowing it down and tackling topics in installments would be easiest. Education-wise, I find I had a huge, huge gap in history of non-Western cultures, and then separately *recent* history, like 1950-1975, when a lot of geopolitical things happened in like, South America, that I should know about, as my country caused them. I think we didn’t learn recent history in school because it wasn’t history but it wasn’t current events either, and maybe some of the teachers even figured they lived through it so it wasn’t history. Then I would start tackling more practical knowledge gaps like trade skills/industry, but that would presumably be watching youtube videos on HVAC rather than reading biographies.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I think a lot about the director of the film Parasite‘s observation that he tried to make the film specific to South Korea, but it turns out living in capitalism is the same everywhere.

      The film Godzilla Minus One is set in post WWII Japan, but with the people having different takes on the government’s actions than they would have had in a film actually made then. I found that really interesting–taking a cultural icon that was a metaphor for the post WWII experience and altering the things around the metaphor.

      Reservation Dogs follows the lives of four teens living on a reservation in Oklahoma. I thought this did a good balance of the different factors shaping people’s lives, from the deep past to today.

      All of the above are good on their own just as entertainment, but they carried deeper looks at different cultures that resonated and lingered.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I found the Timetables of History book quite intriguing; not sure if there’s a more recent edition than the one I got decades ago, but it could still be interesting. It uses a tabular format to compare what’s going on in several different categories – arts, politics, technology, etc. – arranged by timeline, and including items from around the world. So you can pick a century (or, earlier, a millenium; later, a decade or a single year) and browse that section to see what’s happening. Some marvelous juxtapositions, with plenty of seeds for additional searches.

      A more light-hearted entry point might be The Know-It-All by A. J. Jacobs, describing his attempt to read the Encylopedia Britannica cover to cover, “to Become the Smartest Person in the World” {grin}. It mixes learning weird/fascinating new things with the author’s personal life. Great mix of trivia, history, humor, and autobiography.

    7. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      I take a rather eclectic and very in-the-moment approach to learning about the world. If a word or topic comes up and I realise I don’t know much (or anything) about it, I look it up on wikipedia. Even if I don’t have the time or mental energy to read the wikipedia page in the moment. I’ll just leave it open as a tab in the browser on my phone and whenever I feel like it, I read. Links within the wikipedia page itself also send me to more new to me things. It can get quite detailed or diverse, depending on the topic.
      Admittedly, not everything I come across actually interests me, and sometimes I just look up definitions or the like so I can feel like I don’t stay completely ignorant. But in general my approach has helped me to almost constantly learn new stuff.

    8. Hlao-roo*

      I read a lot, so books are my go-to. Both fiction and non-fiction can be good for learning more about other cultures/religions/other perspectives on history.

      In no particular order, here are some fiction recommendations:
      Tomb of Sand by Geetanjali Shree (translated novel that takes place in India, by an Indian author)
      Pachinko by Min Jin Lee (novel about a Korean family living in Korea and then Japan in the 20th century by a Korean American author)
      Salt Houses by Hala Alyan (novel about a Palestinian family, by a Palestinian American author)
      My Sister the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite (novel that takes place in Nigeria, by a Nigerian author)

      Looking at my past non-fiction reading, I definitely lean to historical over current and mostly read about the Americas. But in case they are of interest to you, here are some non-fiction recommendations (also in no particular order):
      Bad Mexicans: Race, Empire and Revolution in the Borderlands by Kelly Lytle Hernandez
      Harvest of Empire: A History of Latinos in America by Juan Gonzalez
      1491: New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus and 1493: Uncovering the New World Columbus Created both by Charles C. Mann
      Cuba: A New History by Richard Gott

      One thing I really appreciate about non-fiction books is the bibliography.If I’m interested in a topic and want to read more, the bibliography can be a great jumping-off point for futher reading.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Re: Nigerian authors — Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is quite wonderful. I started with *Americanah* (a lovely romance that talks about the Nigerian ex-pat experience in American and Britain) and then went on to *Purple Hibiscus* (also contains a romance but lots about unreasonable abusive dad and his pressure on his kids to be #1 at school — seems to reflect in some measure the experience of some of the students from Nigeria I’ve taught) and *Half of a Yellow Sun* (about the war in Biafra — harrowing, but super interesting).

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Buchi Emecheta also wrote a devastating book, *The Joys of Motherhood*, about how brutal mid-20th-century Nigerian society was to women and mothers, at least poor ones.

        2. Buni*

          Noo Saro-Wiwa wrote a good memoir about having left Nigeria fairly young (for the UK) and then going back as an adult.

    9. Annie Edison*

      I learn best through stories, so I’ve picked up a lot by reading fiction written by authors who aren’t straight white men. I end up learning about perspective and culture and history and religion and identity that way, and then afterwards sometimes I’ll look things up on Wikipedia to fill in more info.

    10. Shoulders at my ears*

      Lurk on subreddits for countries and cities in countries not your own. Of course it will limit it to places whose languages you speak, but you will get a surprising amount of deep cultural knowledge from learning what sort of things people complain or joke about.

      I could write a dissertation on comedy posts about bins ending up in funny places after storms on the UK subreddits.

      And you don’t have to limit yourself to the majority-white western Anglosphere countries. English is spoken widely even in non-western countries, so you will find subreddits in English (or partially in English, eg some of the Philippines subreddits).

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        Sorry, just reread that you are British, so you’re probably well aware at how funny the entire bins-blown-onto-roofs genre of discourse is. But still, my point stands that you can get some really deep cultural insights by observing people shooting the shit on subreddits.

    11. The gourmet cupcake*

      My favorite thing to do is open you public library website, search a keyword you’re randomly interested in, like “baking” or “Japanese decorating” and then scroll down the catalog checking out interesting books.
      Right now I’m reading “the lost art of dress” by Linda Przybyszewski, which I found volunteering at the library.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Fond memories of the old card-catalog days, when thumbing through the cards to find the books I wanted often made me pause along the way!

      3. The devil wears tj maxx*

        I’ve been wanting to revamp my personal style but haven’t known where to start. This book seems like an easy point of entry to get the ball rolling, so thanks for sharing!

    12. ElastiGirl*

      The cover page of Wikipedia offers a featured article and links to about a dozen articles every day. Read a few, and you’ll learn a lot!

    13. Anon for This one*

      The history of the British in Africa isn’t pretty, which will probably come as a shock to someone who was taught about the benefits of Empire.

      My parents and grandparents lived in camps in their own country under British colonialism. “Britain’s Gulag : The Brutal End of Empire in Kenya,” by Caroline Elkins is an unflinching look at that time period, and may help you understand any antipathy towards the British that occasionally surfaces in former colonies.

    14. So Little Time*

      I am a white, American, boomer person who is a religious sort and well-educated, and I’ve felt for a while that my education was VERY narrow. One year I compiled a list of books from Be the Bridge (which is a Christian-based organization, run by LaTasha Morrison, with a goal of “creating healthy dialogue about race and racialization in the U.S., with an emphasis on promoting understanding about racial disparities and injustices.” It’s a huge list and I tried to read one book a month from that list (a lot of them were heavy reading, like with a highlighter and pauses to take in what I read). I needed a bit of a break after that so next I read works of fiction (and a few biographies) by non-white people. I think you could do something similar with what you are seeking – just start jotting down things from here to start with, and as one commenter mentioned, the books you read will often reference OTHER books, podcasts will reference OTHER podcasts, and your list builds. But when it feels like Too Much, then look for fiction (or movies) by authors from a particular place/culture and writing about a particular place/culture.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        That’s an interesting idea – do you have any recommendations?

        Rest of World is a news website with a weekly e-news letter that specifically covers tech-related/adjacent news outside the US.

        1. Goldfeesh*

          Connie Walker’s podcasts in Canada center on First Nations people. Missing and Murdered: Who Killed Alberta Williams. M & M: Finding Cleo, Stolen: The Search for Jermain, and Stolen: Surviving St. Michaels (about residential schools). ConnieWalker. com has a nice rundown on her, she’s a First Nations person and a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist.

        2. Prawo Jazdy*

          True Crime South Africa, Canadian True Crime, True Crime New Zealand, Casefile (Australia focused), Murder Mile (London, UK), Men’s Rea (Ireland), Nordic True Crime … and many more!

    16. IT Manager*

      This is such a great goal. There’s a bunch of fun podcasts to scratch the surface of things and then you can go looking up specific topics that need more followup …. These ones have a bunch of things I’ve never heard of (along with a lot you DO know but you can skip those episodes!)

      Stuff You Should Know
      Everything Everywhere
      Evil Genius (nsfw)
      Ologies
      Science Vs

      I also like If Books Could Kill, which is an irreverent takedown of “important” books and often leads me to see that I was being condescending or stereotypical or just wrong about something because it is part of the cultural background noise.

    17. Jay*

      While not the best if you are looking for something truly substantial and scholarly, Atlas Obscura (the websites and books) is great fun and a way to get a window into some of the aspects of a culture that aren’t talked about much outside of themselves.

    18. Numbat*

      Curtin University offers a free online course on Noongar language and culture. It’s really good, and a thoughtful look at the impact of colonisation.

    19. amoeba*

      Seeing as you’re British, you probably know this already – but “In our Time” (Radio 4 show/podcast) is amazingly broad, with topics ranging from physics to history to philosophy… I think the last ones I listened two were about plankton and Monet in London!

  20. Morning Reader*

    This is quite dependent on what kinds of things you would like to learn.
    Way back in my days of “religious education,” a small group of us went weekly to other religious services. We visited Catholic, Greek Orthodox, Russian orthodox, 2 synagogues, a mosque, a Buddhist temple, and a couple of Protestant churches. (Did you know that Methodists recite a “creed” in every service? Or maybe that was Presbyterians, I forget. Catholics kneel and stand and recite stuff too, and surprisingly so do the Episcopalians.)
    I obviously don’t have a deep understanding of any of these religions, but, I still have a general idea of when to put on a hat or take off my shoes.
    Then there is the restaurant/cookbook approach. You could make it your mission to visit every variety of ethnic restaurant available to you.
    Newspapers or news sources from other places are good too. I used to subscribe to the Christian Science Monitor which was known for international coverage (other than anything medical.) I don’t know if it still is.
    Then language learning is a good way to learn about a culture as it is usually part of learning the language. If you have a particular place you are curious about, that might work, especially if you have a teacher who is a native speaker.
    And of course travel. Something more immersive than tourism, a mission trip, a year abroad?

    1. Ochre*

      The Apostle’s creed: it could have been any of the Christian (ie: Protestant or Catholic) churches. I’ve recited it in a Presbyterian church but it’s considered broadly Christian.

      1. eisa*

        Thanks, came here to say the same thing :)

        The Credo, or Creed, is part of the liturgy.
        The Latin liturgy uses the Nicene creed. If you are interested in classical music, type ‘ your-favorite-composer Credo ‘ in the search bar and enjoy ;-)

  21. WellRed*

    Tell me how to get rid of my music CDs. My bedroom is being renovated so I’m purging. Got rid of an entertainment center and will rehome stereo but have about 200 cds I haven’t listened to in years for reasons. No one will want them but I feel guilty and sorta sad about tossing. I need a mantra or something.

    1. mittens*

      thrift store. used music shop. if any are classical, often classical music societies (not symphonies, but smaller organizations) hold fund-raising sales. I’ve definitely bought CD’s from orgs like that.

    2. Sloanicota*

      Would you still want the music, or nah? I feel like there could be a service that can scan the disks to an MP3 for you, but if you don’t want it anymore that doesn’t make sense. I still have some CDs and I have burned by favorite ones one-by-one over time.

      1. Not Australian*

        You can do that yourself: all you need is a disk drive (external, if necessary) and the relevant software.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Try a local buy-nothing type Facebook group or similar? People pounce on the weirdest things on ours, haha. And even if people don’t want them for listening to, I’ve seen folks who take old CDs and put them on strings for like, bird deterrence in gardens or similar, or use them to make homemade reflectors for their driveways and sidewalks.

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      My local library has a “Friends” group that accepts donations of books, videos, and CDs, which they then sell at bimonthly book sales. They appreciate just about anything they can get (with the exception of text books) and what they make from sales funds all of the library’s children’s programs and some of the maker space programs.

      You might want to look into that because 1) you can get rid of everything at once, 2) somebody will get to enjoy them at a bargain price, and 3) they can do some good for your library!

      1. Anonymous Cat*

        Same! The local library takes all CDs and DVDs so I donate to them. They have a little store in the basement run by volunteers and will also give you a receipt if you want for taxes.

    5. Donna A Eis*

      If you’re asking for what to do with that many CDs, one of our local public radio stations accepts donations of CDs (in good condition and with their full case and jacket) for an annual fundraiser sale. Maybe there is something similar in your area?

      If you’re having a hard time getting over some desire to keep them, maybe give yourself permission to go slow and listed to each of your favorites before you put it in the give away pile. Take some time to remember where you were in life when that song or album meant so much to you.

      Good luck! You’re going to be so happy with the results!

    6. WellRed*

      Thx everyone! I’m going to start with Buy Nothing where a few people are interested already (a teen daughter who’s gotten into listening to CDs for one, who knew?) then I’ll see about donating somewhere. And I’ll weed through a few to keep. Donna Eis but the nail on the head about various tunes being part of my life at various points. Thank you for naming that. I feel better than tossing.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        CDs and DVDS are enjoying a renaissance, thanks to wide frustration of buying streaming media, only to have it disappear.

        2. Workerbee*

          I’m not getting rid of my collection for reasons including that sometimes the version you hear on streaming services is _not_ the one you hold in your hand.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            One reason we purchased the DVD set of the Peanuts holiday specials is I noticed that the broadcast versions were being trimmed (off a 22 minute special!) to make room for more ads. The entire message of that show is resisting the commercialization of Christmas!

          2. Elizabeth West*

            Same, and some of my soundtrack collection is out of print so replacing it if my digital library goes blooey would be difficult to impossible (or at least very expensive).

    7. Chaordic One*

      My library has a used book store run by volunteers that accepts donations of used books and records, CDs, Cassettes, DVDs and related entertainment items for resale. Profits go to the Friends of the Library to pay for library-related things and programs. A few donations get tossed right away and if they don’t sell after a certain amount of they might be “weeded” (i.e., tossed). Most donations are resold. The problem with the store is that if I go to donate something, I might end up coming home with more things than I left with.

  22. Prawo Jazdy*

    Please help me appreciate Greek food more. My work day lunches are sometimes at Greek-American diners, and I’ve become extremely wary of those places because each food option is typically a sodium bomb containing an avalanche of crumbled feta cheese and chopped black olives, capers, hunks of salty deep fried meat (or falafel), a mix of salty sauces, and some anemic lettuce, all wrapped up in the world’s thickest pita bread. I always skip dinner later that day and regret having eaten it. Surely there are other ways to experience Greek food?

      1. Derivative Poster*

        Agreed, this seems like the equivalent of forming an opinion of American food based on McDonalds. Maybe you could check out some cookbooks or some higher-end Greek restaurants. Diane Kochilas has written several excellent cookbooks about Greek food.

    2. Generic Name*

      So you don’t like gyros. What else is on the menu at the restaurant? I love spanakopita. Dolmades are great too. I suggest seeking out vegetarian dishes since it sounds like you like veggies (I do too!).

      1. StudentA*

        I hear you. I’ve decided I don’t have to appreciate it more myself. I’ve tried so many Greek restaurants in many cities and have mostly not enjoyed what I ate. Tbh, any exceptions have been at high end restaurants and even those are not guaranteed to satisfy me.

    4. Prawo Jazdy*

      Thanks – so I guess my question is, what would characterize high-end Greek food?
      It’s true that the only Greek places I’m used to are aggressively blue-collar and are very influenced by Italian diner food (“Greek pizza”, etc. )

      1. Generic Name*

        I suggest looking for places that have appetizers and a liquor license as opposed to lunch places that serve food in baskets with a side of fries. But honestly, even a Greek salad with pita on the side is a yummy option at the diner type places.

      2. Prawo Jazdy*

        That is good advice. I’m now actually curious what Greek salad without the feta and olives would be like? And ideally, I’d prefer to have a higher-end “Mediterranean” option like couscous and rosemary lamb or something (if that’s what Greek food might be)

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Well, the more “authentic” Greek salads I’ve had have had maybe two olives and a sprinkle of really nice feta. A way more balanced approach that is lovely.

      3. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Greek food doesn’t have to be “high end” to be non-diner. Find a restaurant with a Greek name and a Greek flag somewhere that serves chicken and lemon potatoes, wine, spanikopita, skordalia, whole fish, etc. I briefly lived in Astoria, Queens, and I still miss the Greek food.

        I actually like diner food– love some souvlaki– but I couldn’t eat it every day.

      4. Not A Manager*

        Greek food frequently has delicious whole fish preparations. If you find a dish made with shrimp, tomato sauce, and feta, give that a try, it’s delicious. I happen to be a big fan of moussaka, myself.

    5. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      What kind of place fries gyro meat? It’s roasted on a big spit. And every gyro joint I’ve been to has basic gyros without feta, and an upcharge one with feta and some other items. Or just, you know, ask for no feta.

      1. Prawo Jazdy*

        The place I’m used to just tells you to choose the protein from a list. You’re probably right that some of the meat options are not fried, but they definitely fry the chicken (and falafel). They also put tons of feta on everything by default, but I could ask for no feta (and no olives) in the future.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah, I feel like the whole point of going to Greek restaurants is how seriously they take their methods of cooking meat so that it’s marinated, tender and delicious. But then I’ve never been to one that could be called a diner.

    6. RagingADHD*

      My 2 favorite Greek dishes are avgolemono soup (chicken soup with lemon and egg) and spanakopita (spinach in flaky phyllo dough.)

      Of course, if you don’t like the tang of feta, you might not like spanakopita, because the filling does have feta. But it certainly isn’t fried, heavy, or full of olives, and some places make the spinach more forward than the cheese.

      I agree with others that you seem to have been to places that are “Greek” in the way that a Sbarro in a 1980’s American mall was “Italian.”

        1. Clisby*

          I love avgolemono soup. When my daughter had her wisdom teeth out, it was one of the few things she wanted to eat for the first few days of recovery.

    7. Jay*

      Like so many other commenters have said, this is a really crappy restaurant. Seriously, Greek food should not be prepared or taste like this.
      I also very much second that recommendations for whole fish, if you find a place where you trust the fish.
      Greek coffee is a personal favorite, if you can get the real stuff (made on the stove top, in those little mettle pots) and goes perfectly with some nice baklava after dinner.

  23. Sloanicota*

    Is there anything I can do to influence where people park those stupid rental e-bikes? Currently, because I live at the base of a hill, almost every day someone parks an e-bike diagonally across the sidewalk, blocking the ramp up from the street. There are a lot of wheelchair users in my neighborhood. It’s not as easy for me to move those stupid bikes as you’d think when they’re locked! Selfishly, I worry the neighbors may think I’m the ass, since it’s my house they’re always outside. There’s a lovely grassy median they could leave the bikes if they wanted where they would be in nobody’s way, but nope.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Is there somewhere you could put a (probably laminated for the weather) sign, “please leave e-bikes in the grass; walkway must remain clear” or something like that?

      1. AnonymousOctopus*

        I was thinking similar. Maybe add “please keep sidewalks clear for our neighbors using wheelchairs and stollers”? Sometimes people acting thoughtlessly change behavior when they are reminded the why of something.

    2. Squidhead*

      The e-bike rules in my city say not to leave them on the sidewalk and there’s a phone number on the bike (or maybe it’s a QR code) to report bikes where they shouldn’t be…theoretically they will dispatch someone to come move it. It’s part of their license/agreement with the city. But I’ve never tried calling and have no idea how quickly someone might come.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Ooh, that’s a good idea, particularly because I’m unsure if it’s really just one or two users doing this. The company would have the account info.

      2. Anono-me*

        If you contact the scooter rental company and don’t get results, try telling them that you will be contacting the city or just contact the city about the scooter blockade.

        Most all rental scooter have a lojack system and in many cities, the rental operators can get fined if scooters are left in the wrong places. So the rental company can ‘see’ when scooters are left on your corner. They may just need a little incentive to either stop renting to one problem person or start dispatching one of their trucks to collect the problem scooter if it is multiple people.

      3. Texan In Exile*

        Go straight to your city councilperson or the mayor. They’re the ones who signed the agreement and they also need to feel the pain.

        And these companies need to start fining the riders who do this. They know that it’s happening!

        (I am always so tempted to knock those scooters/bikes over when they are blocking the sidewalk. So damn rude.)

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          They can auto-bill their cards! It could not be simpler to enforce a fine structure (although I suppose it would be a tug of war between the company and the city.)

    3. AccessibilyOptional*

      I am disabled and I’ve had access to subway and bus stations blocked, access to walk signal buttons blocked, access to on ramps to sidewalks blocked, etc. The bikes are a menace. At least here no one actually cares. Even the transit folks just kind of shrug their shoulders and don’t do anything if blocked access to stations is reported.

      It’s been a problem here for at least a dozen years and unfortunately no one seems to care.

      1. AccessibilityOptional*

        I should add, the bikes blocking access are on station property and they still don’t care.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Besides a flamethrower and maniacal laughter, my personal preference?

      I DETEST those things; when they’re not blocking entire sidewalks or wheelchair access at street corners, I’m almost being run down by them as people zip obliviously down the middle of the sidewalk while staring at their phones. It’s a rare day when I’m not almost hit at least once in my five block walk to or from work.

    5. Zona the Great*

      You use your city’s 311 service or you call the number on the scooter to request it be moved.

    6. Bike Walk Barb*

      Ask your city to take one parking spotvat the place where the bikes get left and convert it to bike parking with racks.

      Some people mentioned foot scooters so if they also leave those, same solution. The two devices can share a dedicated space with appropriate paint markings.

      If streets didn’t have parking for cars and everyone left their car on your lawn we’d have complaints about those. Build solutions into the streets and systems to make it easy for people to do the right thing rather than relying on individual actions. We’ve done that for people who drive; time to finish creating streets that work for nondrivers too.

      1. Bike Walk Barb*

        One more note on this: If they’ll do it at all 4 corners it’s referred to as “daylighting” the intersection. Keeping people from parking giant SUVs at the corners improves line of sight for drivers to see people in crosswalks and reduces crashes.

  24. costello music*

    tis the season for dry hands :/

    any tips on having them not be so dry? my knuckles are cracking and bleeding. i use lotion, drink water. what am i missing?

    (i also work with books which i don’t think help but there’s no way around that.)

    1. Spacewoman Spiff*

      I have some heavy duty lotions for my hands—cetaphil makes one I like, and Trader Joe’s sells tubes of “ultra moisturizing hand cream.” I used to work with books too, and the only thing that helped my hands at that time was wearing gloves while I worked so the books wouldn’t leach all the moisture out of me. Sometimes I’d put on lotion and then the rubber gloves if my skin really needed it.

    2. Harlowe*

      Slugging! Apply a creamy lotion at night, wait a few minutes to soak in, cover with an occlusive (Vaseline, Aquaphor, etc.), apply cotton gloves, then go to sleep. The petroleum product locks in the moisture and really gets it to sink in deep. You can get cheap washable cotton gloves at most pharmacies.

      1. l'ange*

        It also works with non-petrol product, like shea butter.
        I put some every night and I no longer have issues with dry hands or eczema.

    3. Jules the First*

      Vitamin A and C and iron supplements (dry cracked skin can be a symptom of deficiency), and a big slug of a good overnight hand cream a couple of nights a week – I use L’Occitane en Provence’s intensive hand balm at bedtime (no cotton gloves required) and by morning they are refreshed but book-safe (no greasy afterfeel or odors). It’s horrendously expensive, but the tiny travel tube will last me a whole winter, so cost per year is reasonable.

      The other trick is dishwashing gloves – my hands are noticeably worse if I don’t use gloves while doing the washing up – and changing hand towels frequently so they are always soft and dry (no softener in the laundry but tumble the towels briefly to maintain softness).

      1. sagewhiz*

        My hands crack and bleed in winter too. A big yes to gloves whenever possible when working in water! I wear them not only for washing dishes but while cooking, as I can wash my hands often when handling food without getting my skin wet.

        The ones I swear by are MicroFlex Diamond Grip Powder-Free Latex Gloves. Very form fitting (unlike those huge Rubbermaid things) and reusable for a very long time. A box of 100 is about $16 on Amazon.

    4. Hyaline*

      I swear by Kiehl’s hand cream. It’s expensive because it’s worth it. But overarching advice, whatever lotion you’re using, upgrade it to a thicker hand cream and apply religiously, at minimum after every hand washing.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        We get the giant bottles of Kiehl’s body butter and I use it religiously – it’s mildly cheaper if you buy the refill bags to reload your pump bottles. I’ve also found that if I use a hydration spray (think like Evian or something similar) – spray on my hands and don’t dry them, but put the lotion over it and let it dry and it helps tremendously.

    5. Generic Name*

      I swear by bag balm. I live in a dry climate, and it’s the only thing keeping my hands from cracking and bleeding.

    6. Helvetica*

      Maybe obvious but always wear gloves if you’re outside (I assume your location is cold enough for that)! It makes such a difference if I put them on before going out, not while out, and I don’t take them off.
      And not all hand creams are equal – Neutrogena is the real deal for nighttime and nothing else comes close to truly softening and healing any cracks.

    7. Cookies For Breakfast*

      Weleda Skin Food, if it’s available where you are. I had a weird spell of dryness a couple of years ago, in spring and summer of all things, and applying it every night before bed worked like a miracle.

    8. Alex*

      I can’t recommend Coloplast Sween 24 once a day moisturizing body cream enough. It is AMAZLING, not that expensive, and it is the only lotion that has ever stopped my hands from cracking and bleeding in the winter. It has no scent at all, and you really only need a little bit once or twice a day to get the effects.

      My mom was given some by the nurse when she was going through cancer radiation to put on the places where she was getting radiation. She also has extremely dry hands (proabably where I got it from!) and was amazed at how effective it was on her hands, so now my whole family uses this stuff.

    9. The Prettiest Curse*

      La Roche-Posay hand cream is brilliant. I second the suggestion of wearing cotton gloves. I’d also suggest applying Vitamin E oil to your hands as soon as you get out of the bath or shower. Also, put on hand cream multiple times a day if you can, not just once or twice.

    10. Still*

      I have a humidifier running all winter long. The evaporative kind that doesn’t leave white dust. It makes a huge difference for my skin. And my plants are much happier!

    12. Anon57*

      this will perhaps sound extreme, but I have cracked and bleeding fingers year round. I wear gloves to wash dishes, but also to shower. I get typical Dr gloves, use a rubber band to secure around my wrist, then cover that rubber banded part with a tennis wrist guard, like those Terry cloth things to wipe sweat away. those will get wet obviously, but it helps prevent water from wicking down your arms into the actual gloves. this doesn’t prevent all the cracking but helps dramatically! also O’Keeffe’s working hands lotion.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Seconding O’Keefe’s — that stuff works miracles on dry hands and feet.

      2. Nancy Drew*

        I was coming here to recommend O’Keefe’s! The cream formula is the only thing I use on my hands in the winter when my skin starts cracking. It takes a just tiny amount rubbed into my fingers whenever I come in from the cold. Unlike most lotions and moisturizers, O’Keefe’s forms a wax-like coating that is completely dry and not greasy, so you don’t need to slather it on. It’s not always easy to find in the store since it doesn’t get prime shelf space, but it comes in lime green packaging usually on the bottom shelves.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          Or aqua packaging too! I think the hands one is green and the feet one is blue, but they contain the same ingredients and are reasonably interchangeable. The packages for the cream look like hockey pucks.

    13. Chaordic One*

      Try wearing rubber gloves (or maybe even nitrile gloves) to protect your hands when you’re doing chores, especially when washing dishes.

      I’ve had good luck using O’Keeffe’s Working Hands Hand Cream. Finally, try covering your hands with pure petroleum jelly (such as Vaseline) and then wearing cotton gloves or socks over your hands when you sleep.

      Even though I don’t have cracked skin or chapped hands, my hands are very dry. I guess it goes with being of a certain age. A minor pet peeve of mine is those darned plastic produce bags in the produce section of the supermarket, as well as the plastic bags in the self-serve checkout lane. (I usually bring my own reusable bag for groceries, but sometimes I forget and sometimes everything won’t fit in it and I need to use a couple of the store’s plastic bags.) It is darned near impossible to actually open those bags to put something in them, the way the plastic sticks together.

      1. office hobbit*

        My mom’s trick for those produce bags (which I also use) is to wet your finger under the produce sprayer jets.

    14. office hobbit*

      When looking at lotions, look for things with ingredients like oils or butters that will sink into your skin. Things like vaseline do a great job forming a barrier over your hand but most of the protection is gone as soon as you wash your hands. Things like shea butter or coconut oil will sink in and keep working without needing to be reapplied after every time you wash your hands.

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      I take Vitamin D and biotin tablets for general skin-smoothing. (Vitamin E is good too.)

      1. Ctherocker*

        Gold Bond Diabetic is the best lotion I’ve ever used. I was faithful to Curel for years, but eventually it became scarce. I tried GBD, and it takes less than two hours to see a difference .

    17. Observer*

      any tips on having them not be so dry? my knuckles are cracking and bleeding. i use lotion, drink water. what am i missing?

      MORE lotion. Also, experiment – some lotions work better than others. Try to find something that you can keep near you, and that doesn’t leave your hands feeling tacky so you can keep on slathering it on.

      If you wash dishes (or anything else) by hand, gloves. And if you can use hot or even warm water, rub on some Olive or vitamin e oil. The warmth will make the oil be absorbed better and it can make a huge difference.

      If you are on a low fat diet, you may want to increase you fat intake.

    19. Karstmama*

      I don’t usually get so cracked I bleed, so grain of salt for the advice, of course.

      I use salt or sugar scrubs to get the dry flaky skin off then slug as above. Usually Vaseline and Bath&Body Works cream.

    20. osmoglossom*

      Try Porter’s Lotion — it’s phenomenal for dry, cracked skin. It’s a liquid lotion with a clean, somewhat medicinal scent that dissipates quickly. It’s non-oily so won’t stain the books you’re working with. When I worked at a law firm I handled paper constantly — paper absorbs all the natural oils from our skin — so my hands would get super chapped and Porter’s saved me. Good luck!

    21. Middle Aged Lady*

      Besides all the other excellent suggestions, here are mine:
      Castor oil.
      Also, remember your skin is one organ, so keeping the rest of your body moisturized as well may help, at least a little, with your hands.

    22. Happy Camper*

      Get the lotion Cerave. They have a deep hydration one and one for scrapes and itching. My daughter’s hands get like that and that lotion is a godsend. Please it doesn’t sting!

  25. PhyllisB*

    Okay y’all, I need a reality check. I mentioned in another comment that I attended my granddaughter’s college graduation yesterday. At the end I was wanting some photos. Of course there were tons of others doing the same, but granddaughter was feeling overwhelmed and everyone was getting exasperated with me so I quit asking. She finally agreed to one shot of her granpa, her, and me. THEN when I went to the bathroom they took all kinds of pictures, her with her mother and my hubby, one with just her and her mom, ect. (found out when they sent them to my phone.)
    I was extremely hurt because I had wanted to be in some poses like this, too. It really hurt because I was the one begging for pictures to begin with. I realize that I might be more emotional after losing my mother and son this year, because when I looked through my photos after their deaths I realized I had had one of my mother with me in it and two with my son. Maybe they don’t really care, but I can’t help but feel like if something happens to me they may regret not having any photos with me in them, or if God forbid, something happens to one of THEM, I will want them. Besides, I love looking at them later myself and remembering the day.
    So, my question is this: should I say anything to my daughter/granddaughter about how I feel or suck it up? I realize this occasion is in the books, but we’ll have other occasions coming up in the future.

    1. CityMouse*

      So I think the issue is, your granddaughter can’t go back and take the photos, you did get at least one, and so what I’m questioning is what this conversation would actually accomplish. So while your feelings are valid, would this improve your relationship or would this potentially drive some kind of wedge or lead to more hurt feelings.

      The other question is, is the son you lost this year that granddaughter’s Dad (because you mention pictures with her mom). Was she struggling a bit because of that too?

      So instead of focusing on photos, maybe focus on the relationship instead, see if maybe you two could have lunch or similar. Ask to get some photos at a holiday gathering instead.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I think this is right. You got one, and it’s not going to productive to bring it up, and it was her day so if she wanted pictures at some points and not others, it’s more important to give her positive memories of that time with you. You can continue to ask for at least one photo when you get together and even say, “is it alright if we take just one? I so value the few shots I have with everybody these days.”

      2. crookedglasses*

        FWIW, I come at this question as someone who has a very limited attention span for posed group photos. I also have family members who are keen to take posed photos of every permutation of attendees every time we get together. So I feel this kind of tension deeply, albeit from a different perspective!

        It sounds like at least part of what you’re hoping for is more posed photographs with your family for the ages. I wonder if it’s worth hiring a photographer to spend part of day where that is specifically the activity? That way everyone shows up in the headspace to do photos and you can have some high quality photos with all the combinations of people you’d like.

        I’ve also found that the photos that I most treasure from gatherings are the “action shots” – people talking and laughing together, and really in the moment together. I’ve also noticed that when others take those kinds of photos, and then sharing the highlights, it prompts me to take more of those photos of others and share them.

    2. Hyaline*

      Was it kind of hurtful that your family said OK enough photos and then you left and then took a bunch of photos? Yeah, it is. But in reading the end of your post, you are assigning major life altering significance to a very minor situation. And I think that you know that you’re doing that, and that it’s not entirely logical, though it does make sense from an emotional standpoint. Moving forward, no I would not have a conversation with your family about this particular incident; however, if you feel that it’s meaningful to you to have photos, ask more often! Insert yourself! Make it normal to grab some photos! When you’re not attaching all or nothing significance to one event, it becomes a lot less fraught when at that one event things don’t work out the way you would like.

    3. WellRed*

      Phyllis, why were people exasperated with you? Were you actually pestering? I ask because if you were, try a different approach next time you want photos. Not saying this was the problem, mind you. It may be that granddaughter suddenly had a mental reset regarding photos and decided to roll with it. Not to hurt you. Request they share some of the photos they took and do not bring up your hurt. I do think your recent losses is making this harder for you. Take care of yourself.

      1. Rosyglasses*

        I was wondering about this too. I got exasperated at my MIL at Thanksgiving this year because she just started wandering around with her iPad taking pictures and I’m not a fan of pictures in the first place and it felt a bit like paparazzi. If she had asked and said – I’d like to enjoy a picture of everyone – let us pause and get ready for it – and then done one great – but just following us around it was too much. So I think it’s sometimes just the way it is presented can be challenging.

        I also think too in today’s day in age, we are SO indundated with pictures of everything and social media in our face that sometimes I’m just over the constant capturing of myself.

        Regardless – I’m so sorry you are feeling hurt Phyllis. It’s hard to lose people and feel disconnected from the ability to reflect on those memories.

    4. Glazed Donut*

      It’s the granddaughter’s day since it’s her college graduation. Yes, she may look back in a few decades and realize she wished she took more pictures, but that’s her lesson to learn.
      If you want more pictures with this bunch, make it happen! Have a dinner or a lunch or some other occasion that is yours, get a photographer, and get the pictures.
      There could be tons of reasons those pictures happened after you left for the restroom. Maybe a good spot/good lighting opened up, maybe someone got a burst of energy, etc.
      The bottom line is that this wasn’t your graduation; it’s hers, and it’s her time to call the shots. If you like having pictures to look back on, take more yourself – of the venue, other people, details, etc. I would not bring this up with them.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Oof that first paragraph is me. I hate having my picture taken but I wish I had more pictures of my graduation. One with my dad would be lovely, because I was the first to graduate and my cap and gown made him cry. At the end of the day, though, I have other pictures. I also think nice memories count for more than pictures (which can get in the way of enjoying the moment) and I have lots of those. Live in the moment and enjoy people, instead of stressing about preserving the moment (though I acknowledge I sometimes took that rule too far; one pic of my graduation, and it’s with my EX!).

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      It was mean of them to do photos without you knowing you wanted some, but it also sounds like you were being pushy at the wrong time. HER graduation is not about you. Did you really want pictures with her looking overwhelmed on her special day? What was happening when you wanted pictures vs when they were taken (ex: were you in a location with an ugly backdrop or would be blocking people from getting by, was she talking to a friend or saying goodbye to a favorite professor)? Do you normally have a good relationship with her or has there always been a bit of pressure for her to center your wants? Either you wanted pictures at an inappropriate time or she wanted pictures without you.

    6. My Brain is Exploding*

      Is it possible that her mom/whoever was after her to do pictures and, while she could say no to you, she felt she couldn’t say no to them? I would just enlist everyone, especially your husband, before each get-together, and say “You all know I want pictures of myself with all of you, so help me get that done before I/you leave!” A very lighthearted “We were so busy last time it didn’t get done!” without recrimination would probably be ok as a reminder. I know it makes you feel like you missed out on something but you got to be there and that’s the best!

    7. Anono-me*

      How long does it take you to take posed pictures? I think that some people like spending time on posed photos and others don’t. I’m a 5 minutes max type per posed photo session person.

      If you want more photos of you with people, I have a few suggestions.

      -Going forward, maybe try to keep your involvement in any posed photo shoots to a minute or less.

      -If you suggest a posed photos, try to time them for a peaceful non stressful lull.

      -Ask your spouse to take candid shots of you at family functions.

      I agree with those who are saying: Please don’t bring up your disappointment about not being in more photos at the graduation to anyone, especially your grandchild. All it will do is possibly sour a good memory.

      I would also like to point out that it sounds like she did a quick set of photos with 1 or 2 pictures each with various guest groups. In which case you would have only been in one or two more pictures max.

      Finally and with the gentalist of intentions.
      You have had a heartbreakingly rough time the past few years; could you be putting too much preasure on everything being perfect for the bright moments?

    8. office hobbit*

      Did you ask your husband (or your daughter) what led to more photos being taken after you went to the bathroom? It sounds like a small anxious part of your mind is wondering if the vibe was “oh good, now that grandma’s gone let’s take some fun photos!” It could equally have been someone pointing out “come on, photos are important to grandma, let’s take a few more and surprise her,” not realizing how important it was for you to be in them too. I’m also wondering if the way you were taking photos felt longer or more annoying (sorry for this word choice) than the way they took photos–like if you were trying to line everyone up for a classic pose and they were taking quick selfies. Either way, I wouldn’t bring this up to your granddaughter, but I think you could gently let your husband and/or daughter know that photos are feeling very important to you and you’d like to get a few good ones with everyone at family events (framing this as a thing you’d like to do in the future, not as you being sad about how it happened at the graduation). If the differing styles is in play, you could add that you liked the ones they took at the graduation.

      1. Sloanicota*

        A quick way to take a photo is to ask a waiter* or some kindly passer by for a quick snap when you’re all sitting down at the table together, during a lull. The reason I recommend this is the presence of the stranger will probably make it very brief, and less intrusive than asking everyone to stop what they’re doing and line up in front of the fireplace. I find young people today don’t go for formal photos as much, as they’re used to every second being documented already.

        *Only ask the waiter if it’s a relaxed place and not busy, but I find there’s usually some friendly person up and about

    9. Zona the Great*

      Can I ask if you have a habit of requesting pictures, especially posed pictures? The only reason I ask is because I have a persistent and pestering parent who frequently insists on such pictures and it became A Thing in our relationship where I began resenting him for not respecting my boundaries on it. But anyone else who doesn’t have that history with me can request the exact same photo in the exact same pose in the exact same event and it won’t trigger me.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Thanks for all the responses. Instead of answering each one I decided to answer here.
        I realize this specific occasion is gone (I said that in my original post.)
        Yes, granddaughter, mother and I have a very good, loving relationship.
        No, deceased son was not dad, but her uncle. He didn’t figure into this except for the passing thought that he would have been so proud of his oldest niece graduating from college.
        Also, I didn’t expect a bunch of photos, but when I left they took a lot of different groupings, her with her mother and my husband, her with boyfriend, ect, ect. Obviously I would not have expected to be in the one with the boyfriend, but I would have loved one with me, her, and her mom. It got to me because I had ASKED for that and they blew me off then did all of them when I left the area. Y’all have seen college graduation family photos before, you know how they’re done.
        Besides, they generally do tons of photos for EVERYTHING but when we have family get together I can’t ever get them to take any with me in them. One or two is plenty then they can do whatever they want.
        Like I said, you never know what the future will bring. I wasn’t totally surprised to lose my mother this year, but who expects their child to die at the age of 38? I thought I had plenty of time to get more with him in the future. Well, I kinda thought I had more time to get more with my mother, too because she was doing really great until about a month before she died.
        That’s a good suggestion about professional photography. I’ve mentioned that before but got out voted on that. Besides, the ones we make ourselves are always more special.
        Once again I thank all of you for your comments. I knew I could count on you to help me come to terms with this.
        I guess my advice is, if photos are important to you make sure you get them, and if someone in your family wants them try to accommodate them with a photo or two, even if you hate having your picture made and think you look awful in every one. Those photos will mean a lot in the future.

        1. Middle Aged Lady*

          I am sorry this happened and put a bit of a damper on this special occasion. For some reason this happens to my husband, who is a good photographer! People don’t listen when he tries to group them, but when I do it, they do. Even with candid shots, all I have to do is say, “look at me and smile” and they do. Maybe because I am louder! Maybe enlist a family ally to help you get the shots you want.

        2. allathian*

          I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time with this, and I’m sorry that your family members seem to lack empathy for your situation. It would’ve been one thing if they only wanted a photo of the graduating granddaughter and her parents, but given how you were singled out of the photos, their behavior was, frankly, mean.

          The graduation’s done, but I hope you’ll have other opportunities to get photos with your family in the years to come.

          I’m a 5 minutes and I’m done posing type of person. My MIL used to annoy me at every event by taking lots and lots of photos, until I asked her once to take a look at the photos she’d taken before taking any more “just in case.” That worked. She’s still taking photos, but it doesn’t take 15 minutes of posing any more.

  26. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    I am going to be spending a few weeks in the first part of the year in Wisconsin, plus leaving my house (Indiana) a lot more often in general this winter, so my usual “stay inside, bundle up in hoodies and hug the space heater” method of dealing with cold weather won’t be quite as viable. So I am contemplating heat layers, the kind of thing that are sort of a modern version of long johns but thinner and smooth rather than the stereotypical waffle weave. :) (Specifically I’m looking at Uniqlo’s Heattech line, because I am generally happy with their stuff, but I’m not dedicated to it.)

    Mostly my question is — how do you figure out if you need/want them? I will be both outside and inside, and while I don’t want to be cold (though I am in fact usually cold inside while everyone else is comfortable), I also don’t want to overcompensate to the point where I’m overheating inside because I dressed for an outdoor temperature of 15F or whatever. The Heattech stuff has three tiers, rated 41-68 degrees, 23-59 and -4 to 50, and I’m sure I am massively overthinking this. Help?

    1. Hyaline*

      Also an Indiana human, hi!

      I really like silk long johns–they make a difference in outdoor wear, but they aren’t so heavy or thick that they feel too warm if I’m inside, too, and they’re low-profile enough that they don’t bulk out clothes. Silk is an excellent insulator, especially if you layer wool over it, but it’s not suffocating. With that layer underneath and then my usual outdoor layers, I’m usually fine for “normal” outdoor excursions (walking to and from the car, hiking across campus, etc) without overheating indoors. If I’m outside for longer periods, I’m usually doing something active like hiking or ice skating, and they’re fine for that too. YMMV! But I might start there and see how they work?

    2. crookedglasses*

      Fellow Hoosier here, at least by birth! I’ve since moved west. (:

      I find that I am almost always more comfortable wearing thermal bottoms in the winter, regardless of if I’m indoors or out. I remember discovering them in high school, and it was a total revelation that my legs didn’t just need to be cold for months in end, actually. I can be sensitive about textures, particularly for snug fitting clothes, so that’s really the biggest driver for me in thermal selection.

      YMMV, but I also tend to be consistently colder in my legs. So even if I have thermal bottoms on and am feeling warm inside, taking off a top outer layer (like a hoodie) is usually going to be the better tactic for me anyhow.

      Good luck!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I grew up in Michigan and just dealt with being cold, and then spent ten-ish years in the PNW. My first winter in Indiana, I have vague memories of wearing leggings under my work pants and being blown away at how helpful it was, but that was 2014 and I’ve worked from home ever since, so the hoodies-and-space-heater plan has worked well :) But, new job starting next month will change that up some, and I don’t remember (or still have) what I used back then :)

        Also, vests! I love the IDEA of puffy vests, but my arms always feel much colder than my torso, heh.

    3. Square Root of Minus One*

      I wear the Heattech ones 6 to 8 months a year, it allows me to wear my normal clothes year round.
      I went out to buy them because my office heating was failing. I was actually hurting from the cold (legs and feet), and wearing them ended the need to bundle in a plaid for 2 hours as soon as I got home from work.
      I never thought about it but the guidelines seem good to me, give or take a few degrees to factor in windchill, how much exercising and things like that. But I’d rather overheat a bit than be too cold again.
      Frankly… if you give them a try, you will learn over time.

    4. Alex*

      Not sure I can really answer your actual question, but I have the Heattech stuff from Uniqlo and love it! I don’t really find I overheat it in inside. I actually didn’t realize it came in different weights so I’m not sure which one I have, but it was definitely from them and has held up well over several years (I don’t put it in the dryer).

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Cuddl Duds! They sound like just the thing–very, very lightweight and soft, but HEAT RETAINING (take that seriously–if you’re going to be going from one temp range to another, be sure you can adjust your layers, because these are designed to be worn as underlayers.)

      These are body-hugging and as I said, lightweight, so perfect for underneath other clothes. That said, you may want to go up one size to make sure they don’t Cuddl you too insistently!

    6. WestsideStory*

      Silk tops and bottoms are my go-to. Silk retains heat well but is also breathable so you don’t get too hot when you finally get inside.
      LL Bean sells them online.

      Hand wash.

    7. guerilla agile*

      my family swears by the brand “32 degrees”. For reference they’ve tested it in Iowa and on a trip to Tierra del Fuego (far south, South America).

    8. DistantAudacity*

      For me, in cold weather wind factor is a big decider: From about -1 C (so just below freeezing), I’ll add a nylon layer under pants. Helps a surprising amount! Sometimes just knee-highs do the trick, along with a long coat. For colder weather, as you say, thin woolen (or wool/silk) technical johns, and also Uniqlo.

      If there is wind, I’ll do the same at +2-3C.

      Anyway: big factor in the cold is to make sure I am wind proof. This keeps the cold from seeping in outdoors, and makes it so I can have less layers indoors.

      I make sure also that I can open up/cover key points as needed: wrists and neck.

  27. RussianInTexas*

    Not a medical advice, more of a rant.
    For the last two years I’ve been pretty serious about health and weigh (it was to much for ME, and I am not saying others should feel the same).
    I lost weight. Got a lot more active. Cut down any meat to once a day, red meat way down, processed meat to almost none, my lunches are commonly vegan, occasionally pescatarian, I eat almost no sweets, no full fast dairy, no soda or juice (soda and full fat dairy trigger my acid reflux) except very rarely, same for alcohol, very little processed carbs, watch like a hawk for added sugar. I take fiber supplement, probiotics, low fat kefir, eat a serving of fruit and vegetables with every meal.
    What does my blood sugar does? Go up again, to the dangerous level.
    It’s so frustrating and dejecting.

    1. RussianInTexas*

      I had to find a new doctor because my old one left the practice and the network. She was very nice, but now I am questioning her “more excersize and avoid desserts, nothing else needed” for someone with the a1c of 6.2.

      1. Imtheone*

        See a new doctor! Weird to not treat the diabetes more vigorously.
        Also, check out newer dietary recommendations. I won’t offer medical advice here, but I think you may find additional suggestions.

        1. RussianInTexas*

          No, you misunderstood, I just got the new doctor. I am not a diabetic yet, but borderline, with the new tests.
          I am waiting for her PA to schedule a follow-up, but “meanwhile avoid carbohydrates and desserts”, and that part is just frustrating. I have!

          1. WellRed*

            Ok I see you aren’t diagnosed. Sometimes there’s really no rhyme or reason to it. You can do everything thing right but if your body doesn’t process carbs as efficiently, it doesn’t. it’s tough and frustrating.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            Has your new doc taken down your full medical history, including ALL medications and supplements? Sometimes those can out of nowhere start producing weird results, especially as we age.

    2. WellRed*

      Do you actually have diabetes? Are you eating protein with every meal? And fruit is healthy but it’s also sugar.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I do not, not yet, and I am trying not to. Yes, I am eating protein, my fruit intake isn’t that high, the fruit isn’t the one that spikes sugar much.

      2. RussianInTexas*

        My “bad” cholesterol level actually went down, and literally all other markers from the blood test are in the normal range. Kidneys, liver, thyroid, all other things. Perfect blood pressure all my life, strong teeth, no heart issues, etc.

        1. Part time lab tech*

          If all your other markers are down, keep up the good work. I am going to comment that vegetarian protein such as legumes often also contains a lot of carbohydrate. (My husband is Indian and can not accept this.)
          Secondly, if your ancestors had long frozen winters, eating mostly vegetarian may not suit your body. The association between processed meat and increased disease risk is there, but not with fresh meat.
          Good luck experimenting. I feel your frustration.

    3. Professor Plum*

      I have learned a lot from Marty Kendall at optomisingnutrition dot com. He’s an engineer who uses data to explain and understand how nutrition affects our weight, blood sugar and health. If you go to the blog and then ‘quick start’ there’s a good overview with links to many more articles. I’ll put a direct link in a reply to this comment.

      He has many free resources available on his website and when you join his free community. There are also courses available at a reasonable cost if you wish to participate after exploring what’s available for free. I’ve had a great experience with this program finding better health.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I have done really similar rants when I didn’t get a particular result, but don’t forget to remember you were caring for yourself in what sounds like super delicious ways! There’s no way all that nutrition and self care was wasted.

    5. Busy Middle Manager*

      I think you’re just venting, so I will agree with you. Been there last year. My cholesterol is an issue and it went up between quarterly visits, and TBH, I really don’t know why. I felt dejected because I truly put in the work and stick out like a sore thumb with how healthy I eat at time. I had to work in a few intermittent fasts, and that seemed to finally do this trick. But I get your frustration – it took way more work than the doctor or I expected to get pretty baseline results.

      there is always a bit of tension; I have a top doctor and don’t want to lose him, but at the same time, he is so skeptical of things patience say, I bet he’s been lied to alot in the past, based on how he reacts

    6. tab*

      Oh, that is SO frustrating! I’m afraid that the truth is we can only do so much with diet and exercise, and our genes play a big role in what diseases we get. As a half latina, I’m fighting the high blood sugar problem too. I just tell myself that I will do what I can, and if I still have a problem, I know that I’ve done the best that I can. I don’t have any advice for you, but I hope that you can appreciate all the other benefits that your new lifestyle is giving you, and that your A1C numbers improve with time.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Nutrition, exercise, and weight are the modifiable risk factors for diabetes. There are also risk factors beyond anyone’s control, like genetics, aging, and other pre-existing conditions.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      My husband is on blood pressure meds and just discovered that they raise blood sugar!

      Hope this wasn’t too medical, but that was our shock of the week….

    9. ampersand*

      I’m having this same problem! It’s so annoying when you’re doing everything right and your blood sugar levels go up.

      What I’ve learned: declining hormone levels as women age, and also being anemic, can wreak havoc on blood sugar. If either of those applies to you, that could be the cause. Just throwing that out there in case it’s helpful!

    10. Karstmama*

      See if you can get one of those continuous monitors for a month or two. A friend who was pre-diabetic found with one that something she was leaning on (maybe brown rice? Not sure) was really shooting her sugars up. Anyway, perhaps more specific information would be helpful.

      And you are doing great.

  28. Anima*

    Some updates from me:
    Deviled eggs recipe: Thank you all so much for the tips and tricks and recipes! I tried it, I actually free handed the measurements, and the eggs turned out amazing! Paprika really *is* the secret ingredient for deviled eggs. :) Now I know what to do if my eggs get overcooked, I just “devil” them.

    Hair: I asked a few weeks back about my hair falling out. Apparently complaining about it helped because shortly after my post it stopped? It’s now back to normal, a few hairs here and there and also mostly after washing.
    I think it was just seasonal shedding, also my hair got quite long, maybe the amount on the floor freaked me out – three hairs curled up now look like a lot more than before. Didn’t help that my husband has his hair down to the tailbone, together it was a menace.

    But follow up question: this could also have been hair breakage, I noticed the hair at the front of my head is completely broken of. I do not use a lot of hair ties or claw clips or clips in general (the small metal one that go ‘click’ are forbidden in my household, they just break of my hair). What could that be? I don’t have that badly broken off hair anywhere else around my head (maybe headphones?).

    1. Anono-me*

      Have you had health issues recently?
      I was ill and lost quite a bit of hair. Apparently the body can redirect resources from growing and maintaining hair to other more critical areas when dealing with health problems.

    2. The gourmet cupcake*

      I’m not a doctor and this is anecdotal, but my mom lost some hair for a few weeks. It might have been stress, or age, but she lost some hair. She used to put her hair in a tight bun, but post loss she goes with a looser ponytail. She actually loves her hair now, it was really thin k and unmanageable for her.

    4. Karstmama*

      Have you had general anesthesia in the past 6 months? That can lead to temporary but noticeable hair loss.

  29. Hyaline*

    A low stakes (but maybe actually higher stakes!) question–as an adult, how do you celebrate your birthday? I’m feeling a little bummed coming off a milestone birthday where I did basically nothing–got takeout that my family likes but I don’t and that was that! (Underlying issues of prioritizing others’ enjoyment over my own? Yes, very much at play, but) I’m struggling to find meaningful ways to celebrate accomplishments and milestones when I feel like I have to shoehorn them into a busy life with a ton of obligations (and December is the worst for birthdays!).

    1. Sloanicota*

      I plan a trip for myself, even if it’s just a long weekend. For a big year I’ll plan a “big ticket” trip – doesn’t have to be on the day, maybe I book it on the day or something, but it’s my “birthday trip.” If I can take the day off work, I do that too.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I always take the day off work–luckily it’s at a slow time of year but I have to request it well in advance.

    2. Hlao-roo*

      For my birthday, I typically go out to eat (by myself, with friends, or with family depending on who’s around/free the weekend closest to my birthday).

      Some of my friends host a 30-person party at their houses for their birthday. Some of my friends do a 15-person lunch at a restaurant for their birthday. One of my family members delayed their birthday celebration by a month so the weather would be better and they could have it outside. If December makes scheduling too difficult, how do you feel about celebrating a month later (in January) or celebrating your half-birthday (in June) instead?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        My aunt is a Christmas Eve baby and celebrates her half birthday (I always send a birthday card on her actual natal day, though!)

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      A thing that is out of the ordinary and that I like. Usually this means a meal out, or takeout, but that I enjoy being the main criterion. I usually don’t have the energy to plan anything fancier–though if there’s a show we want to see near one person’s birthday that might be the reason–so it’s mostly about a break in the routine, and being something the birthday person enjoys.

      I decided to start recognizing the day I was theoretically cancer free as a milestone, and so went out to dinner with family at a nice restaurant. Nothing more complex, but marking the day by doing something pleasant and out of the usual routine.

      From your post, I think the issues are not prioritizing “A thing the birthday person would like” and “Which everyone else agrees is the main criterion and goes along with.”

    4. Shoulders at my ears*

      Could you just celebrate your birthday in January? My policy tends to be that any time within a month of the birthday is suitable for celebrating. And mid to late January is a good time because people tend not to have plans and are grateful for something to do after a week or two to recover from Christmas.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I want to second this and say – it’s not too late! Let this milestone birthday be the year you stand up for yourself. Tell your family, “I was bummed we didn’t do anything for my birthday. I’d like to celebrate in January this year and do X” (I still learn towards a fun getaway, but it could also be signing yourself up for a class or whatever will feel memorable and a bit indulgent to you – ideally, it doesn’t have to be something your family agrees to cooperate on). I say do this especially if you go out of your way to plan nice birthdays for the rest of your family. You can still do better than takeout you don’t like at home!

    5. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I have a summer birthday and love to have short trips around then, but it doesn’t always work out. So if I’m at home, I plan for something small that I’ve never done before, and that’s my One Birthday Thing. Could be anything: a new cake recipe, a complicated dish for dinner, going to the cinema, an exhibition, an activity I wouldn’t normally do. The rest of the day can be the most ordinary ever (I’m often at work on the actual day), but if the One Birthday Thing happens, even at the cost of doing it alone, then that’s my happiness guaranteed.

    6. Generic Name*

      I like to throw myself parties for milestone birthdays. I did one for my 30th, 40th, and 45th. Mostly to have an excuse to have a party in the summer. My mom’s birthday is the day after mine, and we’ll often celebrate together as well. Maybe next year go out to a restaurant that you pick?

    7. The Dude Abides*

      For me, it’s usually a nice sit-down dinner and something fun.

      This year, we went to a higher-end place I’d never been to, and we saw a musical put on by a local group…and I kept getting funny looks because my main birthday present that day was a black eye and six stitches right below my eye.

    8. Pam Adams*

      I try to spread my birthday over the meal nth meals with different people, buying myself a present or other small indulgence, maybe a little trip.

    9. Not Australian*

      DH and I conveniently have birthdays that fall four months apart, and that’s roughly the frequency with which we also take trips (we’re retired), so we set aside a special day on each trip to do a bucket-list type of thing for the nearest birthday: among other treats we’ve been on archaeology field trips, travelled on preserved steam railways, and had lunch aboard a Royal yacht. It’s always fascinating to plan and enjoy these *extra* little treats. With your birthday being in December, why not have an ‘official birthday’ in the summer and do something special for yourself then?

      1. Generic Name*

        Yes! I forgot to mention that I like to take the day off work on my birthday and get a massage or a pedicure or something.

    11. Bluebell Brenham*

      I did a lot of fun things in the past to celebrate my birthday, even though it’s during “the holiday season” – invited friends to a party at a Russian bathhouse, did karaoke, met up with a sister in NY to see an immersive theater piece. In the years where I celebrated smaller I would take the day off and go to a museum show and have a nice dinner w friends and family. Since covid I’ve been more careful for medical reasons but usually still fit in art and nice take out. This year I’m dialing it way back and asking good friends to take trips w me in 2025.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I have certain celebratory foods that I make sure to get — seven-layer cake from one bakery, triple chocolate mousse cake from another, pizza from the good pizza place. I don’t really have people to celebrate with, and I’m being covid cautious, which adds another layer of difficulty, but I do like to mark important milestones with a little food ritual, even if I’m eating alone in my car!

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      I think your birthday present to yourself is speaking up about its importance to you.

      The problem with being low key (and online in general [not on AAM] I’ve run into really incredible hostility towards anyone over the age of ten daring to want to be acknowledged, let alone celebrated, on their birthday) is that people start assume this is how you want things, or that you don’t want your birthday acknowledged.

      And for some people that is very much the truth! But it can be easy to slide into the “if she wanted anything else she’d say so” mentality and end up ordering takeout you don’t even like. On your birthday!

      So give yourself the gift of speaking up. “I haven’t said much before, but it’s important to me that you* [plan something/buy a card/make the dinner reservations/come to a party]” Make sure you allow plenty of time for planning and RSVPing.

      *”You” should refer to family and friends, of course, not random aquaintances.

    14. WFH4VR*

      I dislike birthdays at my age, but I go on a trip to New York and see a play. Sometimes I go by myself, sometimes I go with a girl friend (spouse isn’t that much of a theater fan.) It always feels like I am doing something just for ME without having to please other people.

    15. AnonAnon*

      I went shopping with a friend and bought myself a really nice vase for my last major milestone. Then I had a silk arrangement made for it. And that was my present!
      My husband means well, but he’s just not that great at this stuff.

    16. Cat Wrangler*

      Christmas Eve baby here, too (and I grew up in a family that celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve). This is tricky! When my kids were young and we weren’t traveling, I would go spend the morning by myself at the local yarn-coffee store, because no present was better than a few hours to myself. Now I still do it because I enjoy the shop, my drink, the knitting time, etc.

      Think of it as training your family to respect you as well. Would you expect one of those family members to be fine with eating takeout they didn’t like on their birthday? If it’s not okay for them, it’s not okay for you, either. You don’t have to be extravagant with the milestones, but choosing something that is meaningful to you IS important. I hope you brainstorm a good long list for all the important things yet to come!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        This is a really good point. How you let yourself be treated really does get noticed by your kids, especially if you’re female-presenting.

    17. Nightengale*

      My family made a big deal about my birthday well into young adulthood in a way that I really resented because they did not make a similar deal about birthdays for other adults in the family. Only child, only grandchild on one side and also grandniece, and with a summer birthday which meant I was generally home for example when in college. The first time I had a summer job where I was AWAY for my birthday was fine for me and I think traumatic for them. . .

      So what I do now, sometimes go out to dinner with a friend, sometimes make myself a nice dinner, sometimes plan my summer vacation so I am with my mother and let her get me some gooey chocolate something. She usually gets me a cookbook. Other people sometimes send “happy birthday” e-mails. If I’m working that day I bring in cookies or maybe they get cupcakes. It’s such a relief.

    18. KateM*

      I have a start-of-January birthday (just when everyone has has enough of partying and college students have to study for exams) and a milestone birthday coming in a year. I wish I had any ideas, too! It is cold and possibly snowing during that time of year here.

      1. dapfloodle*

        Where I live, college students have exams the first or second week of December, not January. Interesting!

    19. Girasol*

      I love birthday cake so I get it once a year. If someone is around I get extra and share. But if it’s just one cupcake (piled with colorful frosting and sprinkles) just for me, it’s still a celebration.

    20. Bike Walk Barb*

      We refer to it as my “birthdayweekmonth” because trying to make something happen on a specific date is often a challenge. Any time that whole month I want to do something or get something special it’s labeled a birthday thing. Go out to dinner? Birthday treat. Stop my friend as we’re riding our bikes past a vintage shop, say, “Wait for me while I go buy these earrings I didn’t get this weekend that I’ve been thinking about ever since!”, and rush in to buy them for myself? Birthday present.

      I read a suggestion a while back to take whatever number you’re turning and do that number of somethings you want to do. Doesn’t have to be spending money although that certainly can be part of it, like tasting that many different kinds of cheese or chocolate. Could be watching X number of videos that make you laugh out loud, play X number of songs you love and dance around your house. I compiled a whole list of ideas for that; I’ll share a link.

      For wedding anniversaries I started a thing with my husband where we go on a date for each year we’ve been married, spreading them out over 2-3 weeks (17 dates this year). Again, could involve spending money on a nice meal, could mean packing a picnic and riding our bikes to a park to birdwatch.

      I do the planning because I like doing it and it matters to me. For the anniversary dates I compile a list of things that sound fun to me, share it with him, he puts a star by things he likes and suggests some more, I review, we land on the general plan and allow for flexibility. If it matters to me I take the lead to make sure it happens. (Yes, I’ve read all the articles on emotional labor. This isn’t an issue for me/us around this kind of thing.)

  30. Balanceofthemis*

    Reading post, what is everyone reading? I am still reading my way through the Rivers of London series and really enjoying it.

    1. GoryDetails*

      There’s already a reading thread – see Jackalope’s post near the beginning of the comments. (I do love the Rivers of London books!)

      1. Just here for the scripts*

        Thirding the love of Rivers—been listening to some interstitial shorts of his from Amazon that I hadn’t caught as full books. So good to hear the narrator’s voice again!!!

  31. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Thoroughly enjoyed A Man on the Inside, in which a retired engineering professor goes undercover at a nursing home. Gentle and touching. There’s a point where I realized that the director is doing sit ups with head phones on, and there are lots of shows where this would be leading up to someone being murdered, but here no one is murdered.

    In Christmas movies, tried Our Little Secret, in which the two romantic partners traveling to spend Christmas with their partner’s parents realize they are exes, and no one knows, and for reasons of not picturing them en flagrante decide they should lie. Which of course fails. This is one that on paper was doing a lot of things right, but just didn’t really come together with people I was rooting for? I love Kristen Chenoweth and her character seemed very 2D here.

    To have a thing to watch with our son when he comes home for a long stretch, we are watching season 1 of Arcane. This is really good. Art is great, lots of layers, and they just took the trope “Earnest yet usually incompetent tagalong tags along in secret” in a direction I did not see coming.

    1. CityMouse*

      I watched Day of the Jackal and it’s interesting to have the two main characters both be people you’re not really rooting for.

    2. Harlowe*

      My household is on a kick where we go through a specific actor’s filmography. Currently doing Matt Berry, so we started with Toast of London. It’s delightfully ridiculous.

    3. Middle Aged Lady*

      Big Dune fan here, and we are watching the Dune: Prophecy prequel. Great actors: Emily Watson, Mark Strong, Olivia Williams. Political intrigue, cool costumes, questions of where one’s loyalty should lie, and which power broker really has people’s best interests at heart.

  32. Anono-me*

    Can a more knowledgeable foodie help me identify the ingredient or ingredients that gives regular Japanese restaurant food its unique flavor profile?

    I’m near a major metro area with lots of wonderful restaurants showcasing food from all over the world. And I’ve come to enjoy foods from so many new backgrounds, but something about most Japanese food doesn’t work for me and I would like to find out what it is. I am hoping it is something I can just request be left out of my order when friends and family want to eat at a Japanese restaurant.

    If it is helpful, I love restaunts with traditional and fusión food from Cambodia, Laos, S. Korea, Thai, many areas of China…pretty much all over Asia, except food from Japan.

    1. CityMouse*

      That’s really tough. Are there any specific dishes you can point to as containing this flavor? Is this sushi? Ramen? Noodle dishes? If it’s in broths and sauces it’s going to be a lot harder to leave out.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      If it helps, I worked out that I seem to be allergic to kombu, a type of seaweed that is the main component in dashi broth. It explained why I got sick eating hot pot at a local Japanese place; when we went to NYC we indulged in a wonderful omakase meal, in which I skipped the one dashi dish.

    3. Squidhead*

      How do you feel about miso soup at Japanese restaurants? There are lots of kinds of miso (and the miso used in that soup is usually pretty mild) but it’s not as common in other Asian cuisines and maybe that’s what you’re tasting? (Miso is used in lots of dishes and sauces; the soup is just has the fewest other ingredients.) If miso is the issue, that’s not really “leave-out-able” but things like sushi or tempura probably wouldn’t contain it.

      1. Squidhead*

        Also high on my list: sesame oil. It has a smoky/umami flavor (and miso has, broadly, a tangy umami flavor), and I think both are more common in Japanese food (at least as served abroad) than in other cuisines.

        But it would help to have some exemplars of dishes you didn’t like *or* of the few exceptions that don’t taste the same way to you.

      2. HannahS*

        I’d guess that it’s dashi. Usually it’s a combination of seaweed (kombu) and bonito flakes, which are from cured, smoked fish. Dashi is the broth that forms the backbone of most soups and sauces, and also what many things are simmered in. It’s got a very savoury, slightly fishy, and slightly smoky/funky taste.

        You probably can’t ask for it to be left out of a dish, but it makes sense that you’d like sushi and tempura, because those dishes don’t generally have dashi.

        I’m absolutely in love with Japanese food, and getting my hands on good dashi is what made my home-cooked versions taste more like restaurant food–that’s partly why I think it’s the culprit!

    4. Alex*

      Not sure it’s a specific flavor, but I feel the same way about Japanese food, even though pretty much every other Asian country’s food is my favorite. For me I think it is the overall aesthetic of Japanese food I don’t care for–it’s just different from those other cuisines, which tend to rely on fairly strong spices/aromatics that combine into an overall flavor, whereas Japanese food is more….deliberate and minimalistic? Not sure exactly, but I generally don’t care for most Japanese dishes either.

    5. Generic Name*

      Can you tell us which specific dishes have the flavor you don’t like? Japanese food can be anything from Katsu (fried chicken) to a slice of raw fish and some rice.

    6. Anono-me*

      I like sushi and most temppanyaki. And I love really good tempura. It is more the ramen and family style restaurants where it feels like everything has the same underlying flavor profile.

      I am worried that it might be a sauce that is typically used in everything. I just don’t want to be the that person in the group who wont go to any homestyle Japanese restaurant. I’m already the person who won’t go to 3 specific restaurants (1 healthcode and 2 BofH staff treatment issues. )

      1. Rosyglasses*

        I would think that a few things could be – but from a quick google search I wonder if it is Shoyu – especially since you said you didn’t like Ramen – and most ramen places have a Shoyu broth:

        “Shoyu is the most widely used condiment in Japanese cuisine and found in or added to a large number of dishes. The fermented soybean product adds depth to a dish when cooked together or when used as a dipping sauce like for sushi. There are different types of soy sauce, including light and dark ones.”

        1. bay scamp*

          I’d doubt that it was soy sauce since this person likes sushi and, especially, teppanyaki, since teppanyaki items are usually very soy forward, and sushi is always served with soy sauce.

          1. Rosyglasses*

            Shoyu is not the same as soy sauce but it has the same root ingredient and can have a musky taste to some.

            1. bay scamp*

              Nope, “shoyu” is literally the Japanese word for soy sauce. There are many varieties of shoyu/soy sauce though, some being “muskier” than others if that’s how one characterizes certain flavor components.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I would also bet on dashi, which is made from kombu (a type of seaweed) and bonito flakes. The bonito flavor is present in so much Japanese food, and dashi is pretty unique to Japanese cuisine. Unfortunately, it’s pretty hard to remove dashi from Japanese dishes that contain it, so you’d have to order something else altogether. But when I think of the Japanese dishes I enjoy, they all use dashi– agedashi tofu, miso soup, simmered squash, etc. It’s so omnipresent that before our trip to Japan my partner, who had been a vegetarian since he was a teenager, started eating fish so he could tolerate dashi while we were there.

      But here’s the thing: it’s ok if you don’t like Japanese food! If your friends and family want your company, they can pick another restaurant. If they really want Japanese, they just go without you.

    8. Anono-me*

      Thank you everyone for all your detective work . Next time I wind up at a ramen or family style japanese restaurant, I have some ideas on what to try to avoid. (And it is nice to know that I am not alone in my reaction Alex.)

  33. Shoulders at my ears*

    To what extent is my negative response to the sound of shouting men normal?

    I recently moved to a loud street with a lot of foot traffic and nightlife. It’s a student city so there are lots of groups of young people at night in the pubs (not in the US, drinking age is 18). Sometimes they shout, and I can hear it in my apartment. It’s not necessarily in anger, most is just lads shouting to their friends as they walk home or to another bar. It’s not a rough area and young men are going to be rambunctious.

    The point is most of the shouting is probably innocent, either lads shouting in fun or to be heard by their friends, and mostly not in anger.

    But still, I’m finding it really gets my back up and my heart racing and I’m wondering if it’s normal to have such a strong negative reaction to loud male voices or if it’s a response to childhood shit.

    I’m a woman, which probably matters. As an adult, I’ve never been in an abusive relationship or even a shouty relationship.

    But I grew up with a very angry, shouty dad. He was never physically abusive, but you did walk on eggshells to avoid being shouted at. He would also shout at objects when he was angry and that was also unpleasant. Of course growing up I thought this was normal, and only realised it was somewhat abusive as I got older. Is this informing my response to the shouting men on my street, or is it just normal to have a fear response to shouting men?

    I suspect the answer is complex and I really look forward to some of your answers.

    (Also, it’s not bothering me to the extent that I need to move. It isn’t affecting my life much and the benefit I get from living in this setting far outweighs the downsides. It’s just an interesting response I noticed in myself after not really being around shouting men much since I left my family home many years ago. So no need for concern, lovely commentariat!)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I would say that your experience is probably pretty core to your response. I am ANNOYED by shouting dudes, assuming it’s just volume and not aggression, but I don’t get a fear response to them unless there’s extenuating circumstances, such as aggression or anger along with it AND a situation where it may turn and be focused on me. Angry shouting out on the street wouldn’t even really make me afraid per se, as long as I was inside and somewhat removed from it, though I might keep half an eye out for anything that suggested it might escalate to the point of needing law enforcement.

      1. Shoulders at my Ears*

        Thank you for this perspective! It’s somewhat what I expected and it’s really good to get this feedback. It’s a noisy area and yeah, I’m annoyed by some of the other noise but that extra fear/defensive response doesn’t crop up except with those shouty men.

    2. slmrlln*

      That sounds like some of both – shouting in the street, by any kind of people, even if I knew it was harmless, would bother me, but your family history surely affects your reaction too.

      When I had shouty neighbors 10 years ago, I liked to have music on in the apartment, or the radio. It covered up most of the noise, and that helped me feel more relaxed in my home. These days I live in a quieter area, but I LOVE sleeping with a white noise machine. Highly recommended

      1. Shoulders at my Ears*

        Thanks! I do have a white noise app on my phone, and I make use of that and noise cancelling headphones quite a lot (there is other street noise too, though I’m less bothered because it doesn’t feel violent to me).

    3. Zephy*

      Sounds like a response to childhood shit that a therapist may be able to help you unravel.

      As a fellow victim of a shouty dad that nEvEr HiT uS: that childhood shit is encoded DEEP in our brains and it IS trauma. Even if the yelling was never *at you* (and I bet sometimes it was), this was an entire grown adult human choosing to deal with perceived problems by showing his family just how loud and scary he can be when he’s upset. It is a threat. “Look at me violating the social contract – someone had better come and fix this problem before I violate it some more!”

      Just because lots of shouty men happen to be dads and lots of people have similar responses to loud male voices doesn’t make it OK.

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        Thank you so much for your response. Yeah, my siblings and I, and to a certain extent our mother, have had many conversations about how dad’s shouting (and yes, it was very often at us too) was really not okay. It really became crystal clear to me a few years ago when my dad was shouting at the dog in hearing of my small nephews (his grandchildren) and they were really scared and started crying, even though the shouting was not directed at them. It made me realise how small and vulnerable we had been when he had shouted at and around us and how absolutely wrong that shouting had been.

      2. Onomatopoetic*

        “someone had better come and fix this problem before I violate it some more!”

        So. Much. This. My people pleasing and impulse to always smooth over and fix things definitely has it’s roots in this kind of behaviour. It has taken a lot of time (and therapy) to realise that. I thought that “it’s just his way to overreact, no biggie.” But the constant vigilance makes for a weird dynamic. And I’m still afraid to assert myself.

    4. Ellis Bell*

      I don’t have your background and this would bother me too. I think your experience probably exacerbates your response from light startlement to full fear, but in general, shouting is designed to be received as aggressive or at least to be read as play-aggression. It can be hard to tell the difference when you’re not part of the context. It’s also just basically thoughtless and rude (I teach boys and young men, and while they’re all lovely, and definitely under some social pressure to out shout each other, they don’t get a ‘boys will be boys’ pass from me). This is why pubs and clubs everywhere have those signs upon leaving which state “Please respect our neighbours when leaving the premises”. Because it is alarming to hear raised voices and you’re definitely not the first to think so. I’m surprised you’re okay living somewhere that makes your heart pound, but maybe you can already see some solutions to this nuisance. I’d probably consider sound panels on the most affected wall. Try speaking to your neighbours if that’s doable; it might make you feel less alone if you’re not the only one noticing when voices are raised. Perhaps you can all put some signs up indicating that it isn’t being cheerfully tolerated and perhaps one time in ten, the least drunk person in the group walking home will tell the others to shut up.

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        Thanks for the suggestions but I really am okay :) I was just curious about my reaction and wanted to discuss it with the folks here because you tend to be level-headed, kind, and smart.

        Not really looking to make physical changes, as it’s a year-long sojourn in another country for me, and it’s a rented flat-above-a-shop situation on a busy high street so the boys shouting are not directly outside my flat, but rather up and down the high street. The local pubs do have the usual signs about respecting neighbours but that only goes so far. I tend to use my white noise machine or various ear plug or headphone combinations and it is working for me. If it was my own flat that I was living in long-term I’d probably replace the windows with something more insulating and that would likely solve a lot of the problem.

        Thanks again for being a kind internet stranger :)

    5. Zona the Great*

      I sometimes will just start crying if I hear a man yell in life or on TV. I lived in fear of my shouting father and then my mom married a worse shouter and then I only dated shouters. It took all of my twenties to get to a moderately safe space. And now I do that eye movement therapy.

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        I really feel that, although I am lucky my dad was the only shouter in my life (well, some friends’ dads and an uncle were also shouters, but that wasn’t in my face. Probably part of the reason young me thought it was normal, though. I didn’t even notice that most dads didn’t shout. Maybe I assumed they just did it when their kids’ friends had gone home.) I’m glad you’re in a moderately safe space and hope that eye movement therapy continues to work for you. I’ve heard good things about it and may look into it when I go back to therapy myself. <3

        1. Pascal*

          I also do EMDR (the eye movement therapy you mention, though it can also be done with tapping on shoulders or knees) for trauma, and it has been a godsend. I am clearing up very very old things that have been bothering me, consciously or unconsciously, for years.

    6. AnonymousOctopus*

      I recently saw a quote that resonated with me, another person who grew up with a shouting father: “If you grew up in a house with an angry man, there will always be an angry man in your house.” (I add “until you heal that part of yourself” for a positive reframe.) Maybe you react in ways that your childhood self would as if there is still that angry shouting many in your house, or maybe you become the angry man yourself. I’ve noticed both in myself.

      When I find myself reacting that way to men yelling, I remind myself of where I am and how old I am. I tell myself my own address, what year it is, where I work, my pets names, etc. I find that it helps me put myself back into the here and now, far away from the angry man in my house growing up. I’ve also been doing therapy for several years, EMDR-adjacent, ACT, and CBT (in order of helpfulness for me).

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        I definitely was a bit of an angry man myself for a long time, until I realised I was no better than my dad if I didn’t channel my anger so it didn’t hurt other people. I’m a lot better now; in fact, the realisation was a massive turning point that spurred quick changes. Maybe it’s less scary in a small woman than in a big man, but still not okay.

        Thanks for the advice and for the list of therapies that worked for you. I will likely look into some of them when I go back to therapy (which I will, it’s a goal for 2025!)

        Thank you

    7. Not A Manager*

      It’s pretty reasonable that this would be a response from your childhood. If you don’t want to seek professional help for it, you might try re-framing the noise in your mind. When you hear the shouting, try saying to yourself (out loud, even) “isn’t it nice that those young men are enjoying themselves with their friends?” Try to picture them having a beer together, and then going out in the street, and they are separating and calling to each other as they leave.

      I know that street shouting is objectively annoying, and I’m not trying to gaslight you. But you do seem to realistically interpret this noise as the sound of rambunctious friends, so try to explicitly remind yourself of that. As much as possible, I’d try to narrate *and* visualize shiny, happy people being slightly inebriated.

      1. Shoulders at my ears*

        Thanks for that, I really appreciate the suggestions and concern. I am mostly able to reframe it as you suggest when it happens, and I though I’m not currently in therapy, I have touched on my shouty father with a therapist in the past and plan to tackle the issue more in the future once the current upheaval of my life is settled. It is obviously something I do need to work on. I mostly posted this comment because of this new situation with the shouty men outside bringing up these responses and wanted to check what I suspected, that it was an outsize reaction likely due to my childhood shit. Thanks for being a kind internet stranger :)

      2. Part time lab tech*

        I think I agree with this. Would listening more to the shouting and confirming it to be banter help downgrade the fear? Kind of exposure therapy?

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I would definitely connect it to your childhood programming–that stuff doesn’t disappear even as we grow and “get” things from our childhoods may not be as normal as we thought they were.

    9. Harlowe*

      I had a similar upbringing and also cannot tolerate yelling (but from either gender). My husband adores shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm and I have to leave the room when he watches, because the constant screaming gets me so stressed that I start pouring sweat.

    10. Hroethvitnir*

      You’ve got some great answers to your actual question, and I agree that your physiological response sounds outside of most peoples’ but it’s not uncommon for people to have some degree of fear response to yelling.

      Personally, my upbringing was primarily emotionally abusive, and I’ve realised I have a bit of a trigger to the word “screaming” (a weird amount of people write “scream” when they mean “yell”, and as someone who has been *screamed* at extensively they are vastly different), and I have a fight or flight reaction to anger, but not to neutral toned yelling. Just for a data point that hypersensitivity is normal but variable!