I’m sick of being tokenized on International Women’s Day

by Alison Green on March 6, 2025

A reader writes:

I work for a large company that has several locations all over North America, and every year they have presentations that celebrate International Women’s Day. Sounds great – but in my office I am the only woman, and every year I find it incredibly awkward. We watch a presentation and then have a discussion. At some point, someone looks to me and says, “Jane, would like to comment?” I say something like how sometimes it can be difficult, etc.

I am a confident, 51-year-old woman but I’m torn. I feel like I should embrace the presentation but I can’t help feeling like I’m under a giant flashing neon “WOMAN” sign. There’s no getting out of it so I’d love to hear how you would handle this.

I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  • Is it ever okay to lose it with an annoying coworker?
  • Is liking a competitor’s post on LinkedIn a cardinal sin?
  • Can I ask managers for their references?
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{ 108 comments }

{ 108 comments… read them below }

  1. Employed Minion*

    I imagine you know in advance when these presentations are scheduled. I suggest just taking the day off

    1. RedinSC*

      This is exactly what I was thinking. Take a vacation day or perhaps you’re sick that day – sick of being tokenized.

    2. But not the Hippopotamus*

      Hang up a sec. That effectively penalize her for being a woman as she will have one less day to use as she otherwise would. Maybe I’m sensitive to that right now as my bank of leave is very low after getting the flu, but if I felt I had to use it just to prevent feeling tolenized, I would resent it even more.

    3. Disappointed with the Staff*

      Suggest to the company that in honour of IWD they give their women staff the day off?

  2. JustMyImagination*

    Petty me would want to answer “blah blah blah, that’s just my perspective though so would love to hear from other women…”

    1. Rusty Shackelford*

      I like this. “Oh, I don’t want to hog the floor. Let’s let one of the other women say something.”

      1. Keyboard Cowboy*

        I love that. I was going to say “I think it’s weird that every year I’m the only person who seems appropriate to ask. Do we think that’s a problem?” but this is so much more clever.

        1. duinath*

          I would be so tempted to say something like “you know, in this day and age, you almost have to put in real deliberate work in order to have only one woman at any given workplace.”

          Negative: this will not be good for your relationship with your boss or coworkers.
          Positive: chances they’ll ask you to talk about this in front of your peers again? Low.

      3. Aggretsuko*

        Love this.

        Women’s Day has never been celebrated anywhere I’ve ever seen except in library book displays.

      4. AnonInCanada*

        I’m already imagining feeling the awkward in the room if that shade came down. :-D

    2. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      My thought would be to bring a tablet. When asked, “let me check my notes…nope. nothing has changed since you asked me last year.”

  3. Miss Chanandler Bong*

    My company does a company-wide holiday for International Women’s Day and we get a day off.

    Ya know, that’s the way we really ought to be celebrated, lol.

    2. Tau*

      It’s actually a state-level holiday where I am, which is very cool even if we’re missing out this year due to it being on a weekend. (Not in the US.)

        2. Cephie*

          I know you’re being cheeky, but there is, in fact, an International Men’s Day, on November 19.

          1. I take tea*

            And I’ve read that the International Men’s Day is googled far, far more around 8th of March than in November. Probably exactly because of this kind of comment.

            1. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

              Fun fact: if you look at ACTUAL men’s health and wellbeing groups on Reddit (I.e., the people who’re actually involved with Men’s Health Month, which is in November)…they’re actually positive and thoughtful.
              Why, it’s almost as if the people who ask why there isn’t a Men’s Day would rather have a grievance than an actual space to talk about real issues that tend to mostly affect men (friendlessness, loss of purpose after retirement, etc).

    3. Grenelda Thurber*

      Now that’s the best celebration I’ve heard of, time off! I truly loath the “events” and “all team meetings.” To me, they’re just virtue signaling theater. If someone is really leaning in, maybe we’ll get some power point slides adorned with pink accents. And who puts these events together? Most likely a woman or a group of women. I almost always skip them. I’ve got work to do.

    1. LaminarFlow*

      I just went through a similar situation with an internal role that I was interested in. The hiring manager actually had me attend their weekly touch-base meeting (meant to be very informal, and a company-wide practice that every team does). I was really shocked at the level of micromanagement that the manager had during this meeting. Basically, team members aren’t allowed to ask questions or converse about anything that isn’t submitted to the agenda 72 hours before the meeting. This practice is the exact opposite of the intended nature of this meeting, and a total 180 from any weekly touch-base that I have been part of in my 5 years at this company. There were other micro-managey things I picked up on, and I withdrew from the hiring process.

  5. E*

    At a former company, they celebrated Women in Construction Week by having a lunch. They only invited the women in the office, who all work in accounting and HR. Those are perfectly fine jobs performed by great employees, but are jobs done in all industries and are frequently held by women anyway. Not invited – the women at the company who actually held construction specific positions (foreman, equipment operators, laborers, etc) who numbered about 25 out of 300 employees.

    3. Sharpie*

      To me, the title Women in Construction implies the women on site. And very much NOT those in the office.

      My flabber, it is gasted

      1. E*

        Yes, the idea is focus on specific needs (like extra field restrooms or woman specific PPE), challenges in working environment and recruitment of women to traditionally male jobs – trades people, engineers, project management, estimating, C suite.

      2. Paint N Drip*

        as a ‘woman in the office’ in a male-dominated industry, totally agree – I would love to come and SUPPORT these women in the field, but that event should not be for people like me

    4. spcepickle*

      I am a women working in construction and this feels on brand. Because I could see them inviting me, but I would be working nights, or have a really important concrete pour, or be on a job site 6 hours from where they picked lunch. I would then get some snarky comments on how I didn’t appreciate the work they were doing to appreciate me because I was busy doing my job and couldn’t show up for lunch.

      Side note – I just this week made a big deal to the very high up person about how if they wanted women to feel like they belonged we needed safety gear that fit women.

      1. Boof*

        Nice! yes, how about instead of lunch you can’t go to, you get gear you comfortably use uhg!

      2. Dinwar*

        I’m someone who’s got to get safety equipment, and fairly often for women. Can you expand on the “safety gear that fit[s] women” thing? I’ve only heard this complaint once–someone with REALLY small hands, and we didn’t have nitrile gloves that fit, which we immediately corrected. If there’s some other advice, I for one would love to hear it.

        1. Bella Ridley*

          I haven’t worked on construction sites, but safety equipment not designed for a female form will sometimes force the load-bearing components, if there are some, somewhere uncomfortable for a female body.

          I’ve seen a lot of small women who find that things like a OSFA glove is too big, but even an “adult small” is too big and ends up causing them to lose dexterity with too much fabric at the fingertips. Helmet sizing is also a problem, because even with adjustable helmets you can usually only tighten them so much before it compromises the actual safety of the helmet. Coveralls too can be a problem, where a OSFA or “small” ends up being cut for a typical small man but might not comfortably fit a woman of the same approximate height but similar dimension. I’ve also seen women who struggle with footwear that comes in the appropriate sizing but meets whatever requirements for safety are needed.

        2. Ace in the Hole*

          I’m in a somewhat different field (garbage and hazmat), but still male dominated. I ordered PPE for my org for about 10 years. A few of the issues I encountered:

          – Work gloves (cut resistant, insulated, abrasion resistant, etc) were difficult to find in small sizes. I have larger than average hands for a woman and I often needed a size Small. My petite coworkers were just out of luck.

          – Hi-viz vests too long, so they got caught on stuff all the time. The “small” vests were actually LONGER than the “medium” vests. Manufacturer said they did this to get the required sq inches of reflective material. Instead of, like, adding an extra stripe or something. Had to order a women’s-specific fit that cost 2x as much.

          – Safety eyewear, face shields, and muffs that are too wide for the head so they won’t sit securely no matter how they’re adjusted.

          – Chemical protective coveralls have sleeves and legs that are way too long (especially bad in types with integrated feet). This gets in the way of work, creates trip hazard, and makes it more likely to get torn from catching on things. Made worse because they’re made for proportionally narrower hips, so women usually have to size up to get enough room in the hips and just deal with tons of extra material at the shoulders/armpits getting in the way

          – Chest straps on fall harnesses don’t sit right on a large bust. Can cause painful pinching/pressure (I know the gents have their own problems in a different region!), but also can interfere with getting a proper fit.

          – Fall harnesses are usually too big to fit securely on a small woman.

          – Very limited selection of safety footwear in women’s sizes, especially the smaller end

          – Weight of helmets causing neck issues or headaches in smaller workers. We switched them from full-brim to ballcap style (a few oz. lighter) and the problems went away.

          – Knee and elbow pads won’t adjust tight enough

          1. Elitist Semicolon*

            I don’t work in a field that requires safety gear but I considered getting a heavy high-visibility jacket for winter bike commuting. A men’s small would have been way too long for me and simultaneously too big across the shoulders and chest and too small through my gut. The only women’s safety gear I could find that wasn’t disproportionately expensive was either pink or advertised as “showing off your curves while keeping you safe.” I did not get a jacket.

            1. KaboomCheese*

              Yeah, apart from safety gear working clothes are often only cut for men. If the pants fit around the hip they are to wide at the waist and the legs are too long. I got some really nice warm jackets from my employers in the past but had to choose ridiculously large sizes so they’d fit around my hips and they looked super bulky. It’s not that it doesn’t exist, but the companies often don’t think about it or don’t want to take the effort to order extra. By the way, did you know there are safety “pumps” lol.

            2. Freya*

              My winter jacket has heating in it, powered by the tool battery packs. We have a battery recharging station in the spare room which gets extensive use in winter, and all our battery powered tools (my drill and impact driver, the husband’s various other tools which see much less use…) are the same brand. I have the smallest of the men’s sizes that was available at the tools store at the time, because the women’s all seemed to be waist length back then and my butt gets cold; it’s been a couple of years so I’m sure their range is better now.

          2. Dinwar*

            Very interesting, and thank you!

            I’m astonished you had to buy your vest. A vest that’s too long is a safety hazard, and the company is obliged in the USA (under OSHA) to provide adequate safety gear. Then again, the primary hazard where I work is rotating parts–auger bits on drill rigs, that sort of thing. One reason I started growing my hair out was because I was no longer spending time around rigs.

            I’m definitely going to do some poking around, though. I’ve seen people with issues with Tyvek, and yeah, fall harnesses suck. Hadn’t considered the weight of the hard hats, safety glasses, and the like.

            1. Paralegally Blonde*

              There are a few shops now catering to women for safety gear. See Her Work sells hard hats, hi-vis, work gloves. Xena sells steel-toe boots. I can’t speak to how effectively they’ve shaped their stuff for women’s bodies, but a friend recommended the work gloves highly from See Her Work.

              1. Freya*

                Do you happen to know what Xena means by ‘wide fit’? Because I have to go up a size in my New Balance sneakers because they only go up to a 2E in the women’s sneakers and I’m too small for the men’s sizes :-/

            2. Ace in the Hole*

              My wording was unclear on the vests. No employee had to buy their own PPE!

              I was the one in charge of finding and purchasing safety equipment… I had to find an alternate supplier for smaller vest sizes, which turned out to only be available as a women’s-specific fit and cost much more than comparable “unisex” vests. Same for gloves – I switched us to more expensive gloves in a few cases because it was important to buy a product that came in a size range that covered ALL our workers, even if that meant spending 10% more. Thankfully, management was supportive. I didn’t even have to argue for it.

              I actually never told our operations staff that the stuff was more expensive because I didn’t want people choosing poorly-fitting PPE out of concern for price. I also never mentioned they were women’s sizing because we had a couple very small men who might have avoided wearing a “girl vest” even though it fit better.

              Which brings up an important point… some of the problems women have with PPE are because it’s not designed for female anatomy/proportions. But a LOT of the issues are actually related to size, not sex. It’s just more common for women to run into those issues because the average woman is smaller. Very short dudes have a lot of the same problems. And tall women (like me at 5’9) can often use equipment designed for men without too much trouble because we’re within the expected size range.

            3. Freya*

              My only experience with safety glasses involves me putting them on over my prescription glasses, and bending my head to look at the work and watching the safety glasses fall off. Or if they stayed hooked on my ears, watching them swing to rest on my chin. Mind you, my prescription glasses have frames that are the smallest you can get without being children’s frames, because I’m 5’2″ and in proportion, and regular size frames don’t stay on when I do anything active.

          3. Angstrom*

            Gloves – women’s hands are often proportionally longer and narrower than men’s. A men’s glove that has fingers that are the correct length will often be very wide and loose across the palm.

        3. Zephy*

          Read “Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men,” Caroline Criado Perez.

        4. Cannibal Queen*

          Relevant for law enforcement and the military: I’ve heard that body armour doesn’t accommodate the bosom.

          1. Chirpy*

            Semi-related: there is only one company that made hockey chest pads for women, and only one style, and I believe it’s discontinued now. Even professional women’s hockey players have to wear boys/men’s pads, and they really do not fit if you have any bust.

        5. Nina*

          My experience tends mainly towards the chemical PPE side of things, but off the top of my head:

          – safety boots of all kinds usually come in ‘standard sizes’ that stop at a Euro 40, which is too big for many women and introduces a tripping hazard.
          – SCBA kits with the tank in a shoulder rig – usually most of the weight is on the hips, and it’s not unusual to find ones where the hip belt is made ‘for’ a tall body with narrow hips and can’t be adjusted far enough to fit a shorter body with broader hips. Also there’s often a securing strap that runs across the chest at almost exactly the wrong height.
          – SCBA masks – you hear a lot about how they don’t work with facial hair, which, true, but they’re also really difficult to put on in combination with most of the effective ways of safely tying back long hair.
          – lab coats are usually designed for bodies that are pretty much one diameter from armpit to knee or can be treated as if they are. Something that fits around the chest and hips may be way too big at the shoulder and arms for many women.
          – boxes of nitrile and latex gloves are one thing, it’s usually reasonably easy to get those in smaller sizes, but anything more specialist gets difficult fast. I’ve been in a position of having to get a smaller size of exactly the same glove the men on site were wearing airfreighted from Canada at double the price because no local outlets carried it.

          1. Ace in the Hole*

            One of the things I really appreciated about management at my last job is that every time I said “we need to switch to [more expensive PPE] because our current supplier doesn’t offer a wide enough size range,” they just said “Okay.”

        6. Chirpy*

          1. Work gloves – not “garden gloves” but real, solid, heavy work gloves- are next to imposible to find in small sizes

          2. steel toe or other work boots – the average woman wears size 8-8.5, which is 6-6.5 in men’s. Most men’s boots do not go below size 7, so you can’t even use men’s boots because they’re too big and will cause blisters/fit wrong. Women also tend to have curvier calves, which can be a problem in tall boots.

          3. Jackets and gear are sized for men (even most “unisex” stuff, true unisex does exist but it’s rare) which means in order to fit the bust, the shoulders are too wide, hips narrow, sleeves too long, and overall length too long. Coveralls are a complete disaster.

        7. Freya*

          What’s the smallest size readily available for hi-vis gear? I wear a size medium in Australian women’s clothes, and the smallest hi-vis vest you can get is a men’s small, which swims on me (and was even worse before I gained weight). And few people stock mediums, much less smalls, in their visitor’s stash, because the theory goes that at least you can get it around you – but clothing isn’t safe if you’re catching the open arm holes on everything! The one I have in my car for if I need to change a tyre at night is one I’ve altered because that’s the only way I’ll get one that’s less than 120% the size of my chest.

          I’ve also had to provide my own hearing protection in work situations (noting that here in Australia it’s illegal for work gear not to be provided at the employer’s expense when required), because that’s a special order (but I have a tiny head, so that’s to be expected) and the dust masks you can get at the hardware store have a massive gap between my chin and the bottom of the mask, so I sourced my own to use for lawn mowing.

          1. Freya*

            As a side note, the hi vis provided by the venues for use by people working to do set up or break down for an expo is usually a men’s large or bigger, under the “it’ll at least go over everyone” theory, and they don’t like it when you do it up the tightest it can go and then shrug it on over your coat. They also don’t like it when you put the vest on, cross over the front flaps, and tie it behind your back, but that was the only way I could keep the men’s large from falling off my shoulders and tangling my arms while I helped set up the booth.

      3. Mutually Supportive*

        There’s a big campaign about this in the industry in the UK. There is some progress, but it’s slower than it should be. You can buy PPE for pregnancy now too but it’s very expensive.

    5. Archi-detect*

      If I had to take a cynical guess, they also wanted to use it for social media, and didnt want any ‘manly’ women with muscle and/or tattoos.

    6. Ellis Bell*

      WTAF. Do they think it’s “Women doing What We Consider Appropriate Work for Women Day”? You’ve got to wonder what the office staff made of it themselves.

      1. E*

        They thought it was great, but this was also a group that loved Admin Day. I wasn’t invited either (female estimator) but I was offsite that day and would’ve found a reason to avoid anyway. At the time I was the only woman in the office that wasn’t in accounting or HR.

  6. MyStars*

    “Would you like to comment?”

    “Yes. Next year, please make sure we have other women in this department to field your questions.”

    Of course, this may be why I don’t get invited many places.

  7. Nameless*

    Honestly, if it’s something you think you can get away with, I’d be so tempted to say something like “I get asked this every year, and I’d love it if the company would demonstrate its commitment to women by hiring more of them, so I wasn’t the sole example.” (Also – if you’re an employer in 2025 and there is one woman at a branch… you should be embarrassed by that. Ditto non-white employees.)

    2. Texan in Exile*

      “Ditto non-white employees.”

      I worked at a company that had almost no non-white employees. The (female) VP of HR said something in a presentation to my office of 250 people that they really wanted to hire more Black engineers but dang it was just. so. hard. in Wisconsin and Michigan.

      I asked, “What is your HBCU recruiting strategy?”

      My question was sincere, but then she answered, “What’s an HBCU?” and that’s when I knew (I had already suspected) that she was completely unqualified for her job.

      1. Boof*

        I think it’s a little unfair to say she is completely unqualified for HR from a single comment – but yes it does sound like she’s pretty ignorant of the strategies that are fairly basic if you’ve made some effort to educate yourself on the topic.

        1. Just stop it*

          While I think it’s completely fair. Also, I’m utterly sick of people whining about “unfairness” when people form justified opinions based on the ignorance displayed by others. If that reads as “unfair” to you, what else are you comfortable “letting go” so the oppressor isn’t made the least bit uncomfortable? Stop justifying contemptable behaviour!

      4. Apex Mountain*

        I would not expect an HR person, even the VP, at a 250 person company to have much in the way of an HBCU recruiting strategy. Not that they shouldn’t, but I would not expect it at all

        1. Zephy*

          You wouldn’t expect HR to at least know what an HBCU is?

          (It stands for historically Black college/university, for anyone else unfamiliar with the term. If your goal is to hire more Black engineers, I’m not sure where you would be likely to find more of them than the STEM building at an HBCU, so it is more than reasonable for a company with that as a stated goal to have an HBCU recruiting strategy, if they’re serious about it. The VP of HR specifically, perhaps not, but surely recruitment is under her purview.)

          1. Apex Mountain*

            They should definitely know and do all those things….IMO it’s just very few and far between that actually do

    3. Boof*

      NGL this sounds so good… not too salty but yeah, a bit tempting to say the obvious out loud if singled out

  8. OrangeCup*

    The only time I was happy to celebrate International Women’s Day was when I was on vacation in Italy and it got me free museum admissions for the day

    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      All the other “celebrations” are leaders asking women how they see changing the industry without affecting the incumbent leadership of the industry.

  9. Holly Gibney*

    As the token Black woman in OH SO MANY SPACES, I am taking notes right now. What I would like to say going forward is a version of, “I can’t speak for all [Black people or women or both], but right now I feel pressured to. If we had more [Black people or women or both] in this space, you wouldn’t need to ask for our perspective because you’d be hearing more from us overall on a variety of subjects, which would replace the need to seek out our opinion/experience solely on days designated to celebrating our (currently unusual) presence.”

    I’m hoping to go to grad school in the fall at a school that is, unfortunately, not known for its racial diversity, and I suspect the program will try to make me their poster child for marketing purposes. That’s what happened in undergrad, but I was too young to articulate my discomfort (and the fatigue hadn’t set in yet). I’m really hoping I can use this line if I get asked in grad school, and either way, I will 100% be opting out of photo ops etc.! I’m there to learn, not to be paraded as a badge of honor for diversity.

  10. Humor Resources*

    Recognition is such an interesting wheel. Protected groups (I am of one myself) go from we want recognition, then start getting the recognition, then don’t want to stand out. It’s a no win game. DEI is absolutely important, but companies should just stick to recognition and inclusivity through action, not once a year days or even months anymore to highlight certain groups.

    1. A*

      It’s not recognition most people want, it’s to be paid the same, treated the same, dream of a world where you’re not sure if the way people treat you is because you’re not expressing yourself well or because you look the way you do. You don’t need to be recognized when you’re just another person doing their job and being treated like everyone else.

      For work on diversity there are two strategies—helping URM thrive in the world we have, and changing the world to be fair. Both are valid! Both are useful! But when you’re in an all company presentation it should really be about what the company is doing to change the situation and they don’t need to or put LW on the spot to comment (if they need her input into what needs changing that’s usually a private conversation where they ask for that specifically and give you a chance to brush them off if you’re not comfortable with it)

      If it’s about how URM can thrive that’s not a meeting for the whole company, that’s a meeting for (in this case) women and allies to be invited to, to engage in on their own terms, and to choose when to speak and listen

      It all sounds like a big mess and like they’re not taking seriously how to actually make things better for women in the workforce

    2. Zephy*

      NB: all groups within a protected class are protected. the CLASS is what is protected (sex, race, orientation), not any one specific group in that class (women, Black people, gay people). It is also illegal to discriminate against straight white men simply for the fact of their being straight and/or white and/or men. You just don’t see it nearly as often. The solution to “everyone in our candidate pool is a straight white man” is “try harder to recruit more people who aren’t those things,” not “remove all straight white men from consideration.”

      In regards to recognition, I have a few DEI Points myself, and I want recognition for being good at my job, not because I tick some diversity boxes. “Look! We have a woman!” is a significantly different message than “Look! We have an excellent llama groomer! Her name is Zephy!”

      The days and weeks and months of recognition of particular groups is also important. Representation matters. What you see is what you know. Children, especially, internalize their concepts of how they should behave, how they should speak, what kind of things they can do, by observing the people around them. Whoopi Goldberg literally saw Lt. Uhura (Nichelle Nichols, a Black actress) on an episode of Star Trek on TV, and the fact that Nichols’ character wasn’t a maid or domestic servant was in itself mind-blowing to her.

      Maybe you’ve got the gumption and strength of will to be the first or only X doing Y the world’s ever seen, but a lot of people don’t – and it’s not about not wanting to stand out, it’s because standing out subjects you to some pretty horrendous takes from some pretty horrendous people who genuinely, sincerely believe that Xs shouldn’t Y. Sub in literally anything – women shouldn’t drive, Black people shouldn’t hold public office, gay people shouldn’t get married. If you’re the first woman driver, first Black president, first gay married couple, People are going to Have Opinions at you about it. If you’re the *only* woman driver, Black president, gay married couple, People are going to Have Opinions at you until you literally die. But if there are more woman drivers, Black presidents, gay married couples after you, (1) the People have other targets for their Opinions, (2) their Opinions become more hackneyed and tired as woman drivers, Black presidents, and gay married couples become more and more commonplace – because no stereotype is true of every X, so “joking” that Xs shouldn’t Y because Z gets real old real fast once it’s clear that isn’t true, and (3) they do, eventually, stop having the Opinions (either they get over themselves, or they die; either way, the noise stops). Right now, a significant number of those horrendous people have found themselves with the keys to a machine that can make the Xs stop Ying if they push the right buttons, and *that* is what has everyone so het up about it.

      1. Mark Knopfler’s Headband*

        I know of only one recent case where someone was discriminated against at work specifically for being male: a British woman called her colleague a “bald (word that is extremely bad in US but more common in UK)” and he ended up winning a court case stating that because of whom is affected by male pattern baldness, remarking on it created a hostile environment based on gender.
        To cap it off…all the judges were bald!

    3. Kt*

      I never wanted recognition for characteristics I didn’t earn. I am not female because of talent, or hard work, or choice, or anything but chance. I didn’t go into my male-dominated field to be different or special; I went into it because I love math. I consistently resent events and people who emphasize my woman-ness over the things I actually worked for.

      As a manager, informed by this, the only DEI strategies I respected and implemented were around equity in hiring, retention, and promotion. If you’re only hiring a monoculture, you’re doing something wrong. If you’re only promoting people with certain external characteristics they didn’t work for, you’re doing something wrong. If your retention is poor for people with certain external characteristics, you’re doing something wrong. That’s the deal. If you want the best people, you create teams that get the best people to work together and level up their games.

      I don’t mind a well-done event celebrating X or Y in the workplace, but any workplace social event is window dressing if hiring, retention, and promotion on the basis of merit aren’t working equitably.

  11. I should really pick a name*

    As one of the two black people at my company, I’m relieved that they don’t do anything for black history month.

  12. Generic Name*

    LW#2 (and I realize this is an old letter) I believe you that you have “equal political capital” at your respective companies, but the optics of a contractor “losing it” with a client is really bad. As in many companies would fire an employee who yelled at a client, regardless of how they were provoked or how annoying the client is.

    1. Emily Byrd Starr*

      In addition to what Alison wrote, I’d also add that yelling is only acceptable if you or your co-worker is in danger. For instance, “WATCH OUT!”
      It should go without saying, but there are enough of us neurodivergents who take everything literally that I felt it was worth mentioning.

    2. Heffalump*

      Yes, I think OP got that. When they said “if we had had equal capital,” I think they meant if the they and the annoying coworker were on an equal footing–both contractors or both direct hires.

  13. Dinwar*

    #2 depends highly on context. I’ve seen a lot of construction workers, drillers, electricians, equipment operators, and the like communicate at loud volumes–things that would be wildly inappropriate in an office setting–and five minutes later they were laughing and joking. I lost it on one operator once and our relationship actually improved; he took it to mean I had a spine. As a CEO once told me, “Sometimes you gotta talk to ’em in a language they understand.”

    There are also individual relationships to consider. I’m not the only one on my team that works with people specifically because those people will say “You’re a moron, why would you do something this stupid?” Only usually the language is worse. Sometimes you need someone who’s willing to be extremely blunt, to the point of offensiveness; it keeps you in check. On the other hand, I wouldn’t classify those people as annoying; they annoy me, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a productive sort of annoyance, something that needs to happen, and ultimately I’m the problem so really I’m annoyed at myself.

    In general, no, you don’t “lose it” at work. Any work doing requires methodical and systematic thinking, not emotional outbursts. But there are always exceptions.

  14. MassMatt*

    Ugh this sort of lip service about diversity while not actually doing anything FOR diversity drives me nuts.

    I worked for a major finance company where it seemed a local religious (+ethnic religious, specifically) college seemed to have an absolute strangle hold on the executive suite. It was a respected college, but the homogeneity was ridiculous.

    Every year at the mandatory meeting at the HQ the C-suite would be onstage and talk about the importance of diversity, oblivious to the fact that every year it was all white, overwhelmingly male, and overwhelmingly from religious/ethnic college.

    Yes, diversity is extremely important, clearly. I mean, they put up posters in break rooms, what more can anyone expect? One of these days maybe they’ll hire a Lutheran.

    1. Grenelda Thurber*

      You actually made me laugh out loud. I’m picturing the new Lutheran being introduced at the next diversity meeting. :D

  15. Who knows*

    I think Icon For Hire said it best in their song “Now You Know” (other lyrics NSFW):
    “What’s a woman to do–No, scratch that, what’s a HUMAN BEING to do with the fact that what gets us ahead holds us back more? Is a level playing field too much to ask for?”

  16. learnedthehardway*

    OP#4 – I would be careful about HOW you ask for further information on a hiring manager. I don’t think asking for references is going to go over well. However, you can definitely say you’d like to speak with people on the team to get a better understanding of the team dynamics and culture.

    You can also ask the hiring manager about what their management style is – so you can get a better sense of whether you will be compatible with each other. Of course, you’ll need to read between the lines and interpret whether their answer is true or if they are just spouting what you expect to hear. You’d be surprised, though, about what people will tell you about themselves.

  17. JP*

    The marketing person for our company used to compile the internal head shots of all women who worked for the company into one picture and post it on LinkedIn for Women’s Day. Also tagged us all on the post. It really, really bothered me, to the extent that I deactivated my LinkedIn account. Luckily, our new marketing person doesn’t make those kinds of posts, and actually asks our permission before posting.

    Part of me feels like I overreacted to the situation, but it just hit the wrong nerve with me in a way that I always struggled to articulate.

    1. metadata minion*

      Uggggh, yeah. And not to derail from the issues this causes for actual women, but in a group large enough, there’s a strong chance that at least one of those “women” they’re tokenizing isn’t even a woman! At the university I work at, some (mostly non-US) students give out carnations to women for International Women’s Day, and it’s always so weird to thread that needle of “ok, you’re half my age and your heart’s in the right place, so I don’t want to be too harsh given the power differential, but a) this is very weird, and b) I’m nonbinary so this is just another reminder that I’m apparently indelibly Girl-Shaped(TM)”.

      1. Paralegally Blonde*

        I am both “Girl-Shaped(TM)” and female and would still find this extremely awkward. I’m sorry you’re in this position. It’s as bad as the kids at church handing all the women flowers on Mother’s Day because we are all allegedly in a mothering role to someone, even if it’s not our own children. What a kick in the teeth to the childless-by-choice and a dagger to the heart for those of us who would have chosen children but couldn’t. Can you skip work, or at least the quad, that day like I skip church on Mother’s Day?

  18. Numbat*

    Yesterday I led a small but mighty rebellion during a patronising IWD Teams event to get the issue of our shitty, inaccessible “parenting room” escalated and dealt with properly. It felt amazing. Never seen so much achieved via Teams chat.

  19. Delight Lucas*

    My reply to “Would you like to say anything?”, would be along the line of “I think I’ll save my comments for our ‘International Men’s Day’ presentations and celebration.”

    A single “Woman’s Day” is demeaning and sexist.

  20. KaboomCheese*

    I found it so funny when an ex-employer “celebrated” Women’s Day and that meant that a handful of men from the workers’ council walked around and gave all the women a gift: flower seeds, a pink sparkly pen and a pink tin of mints in the shape of the female symbol. Cliché much?
    Now I live in Berlin and here Woman’s Day is an actual holiday so that’s nice.

  21. amoeba*

    I just want to throw in that in my part of Europe, there’s a growing movement calling/celebrating “feminist fight day”/”feminist strike” (feministischer Kampftag) on June 8th instead of “international women’s day” and I think that’s great. Marches instead of flowers!

  22. Spooz*

    I am so grateful that our church quit the flowers on Mothers Day business. The priest said (not in as many words) that it was othering to non-mothers and the history of the day was to celebrate Mary as everyone’s spiritual mother so we would go back to doing that and would anyone like to join the rosary group?

    Keep religion religious is my view! The Hallmark holiday is an unrelated event to what

    1. Bella Ridley*

      I think you are confused. To correct the record, this is a discussion about International Women’s Day (8 March), not Mother’s Day. It is not even remotely a Hallmark holiday, but it’s the absolute opposite, and its roots lie in socialism and the promotion of women’s rights, not flowers, not motherhood, and certainly not religion.

      1. Paralegally Blonde*

        I think this is my doing. Metadata minion above said some students on their campus hand out carnations to every female-presenting person for IWD and, as a non-binary person, MM found that off-putting for many reasons. I likened it to my church making the Sunday school kids hand out flowers to every female-presenting person on Mother’s Day and, as a woman with fertility issues, I find that so off-putting that I don’t go that day at all, so suggested perhaps MM could skip work or avoid the quad on IWD, too.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      The lectionary of the Lutheran church occasionally puts the “wives be submissive to their husbands” passage as the epistle reading for Mothers Day. Okay, the Nth Sunday after Easter is going to hit the 2nd Sunday of May once in a while; I may not like it but I can ignore it.

      I got up and walked out when the minister chose that as the theme of his sermon. He later phoned to explain why it was wrong of me to do so. Just keep digging that hole deeper, Pastor.

  23. Greg*

    Maybe this is just my skewed perspective as a straight white cis male, but something about all these specialized days has always rubbed me the wrong way. No, it’s not for the usual conservative blather about “If they have a Women’s Day, why don’t they have a Men’s Day?” It’s more because they always end up feeling like we’re giving those groups a big ol’ second-place trophy. There just seems to be a strong undercurrent of “We, the benevolent Powers That Be, are giving you this token amount of recognition, but all it really does is reify the existing power structures, and tomorrow you’ll go back to being inferior.”

    I suppose there are ways to do these kind of things that are not insulting — for one thing, I would have activities on Women’s/Admin days be led by women/admins or whoever — but far too often companies seem to take a top-down approach.

    I’d be curious to know what female-led companies do on IWD. I’ve worked for at least one, but it was a startup and I’m pretty sure no one had even heard of the holiday, myself included.

    1. Freya*

      I know my workplace ignores it, because we’re all too busy given that it’s less than two weeks after quarterly Australian tax office reporting was due (so we’re trying to get everything we got extensions on in to them ASAP), and also because it’s about the same time as the Canberra Day public holiday (second Monday in March, only observed in the ACT) so if we weren’t otherwise busy we’d be either having a long weekend or working to get stuff done before the long weekend.

  24. loremipsum*

    I posted on the thread earlier this month in response to someone’s comment about an HR-organized Valentine’s Day by mentioning my spouse’s company has some eyebrow-raising, lack of cultural intelligence around company-organized workplace observations and events(an Easter party, for example), although maybe it is because it is headquartered outside the US. They have observed International Women’s Day by giving all of the women in the company little bouquets of flowers at their desks. It strikes me as “othering” and also not equally giving something to everyone (men like flowers too?). This is a fast-growing field that is male-dominated; putting some strategic and visible effort, investment into recruiting more women as well as diverse cultural populations. I too would rather see something like salary parity / increases or other meaningful gesture that benefits everyone. (Spouse did say people liked the flowers though).

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