weekend open thread – March 8-9, 2025

by Alison Green on March 7, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Uncommon Reader, by Alan Bennett. The Queen of England stumbles into a mobile library and develops a love of reading, which upends her life as the monarch. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    The weekend posts are for relatively light discussion — think office break room — and comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. “Here’s what happened to me today” personal-blog-style posts will be removed (because they got out of control in the past). We also can’t do medical advice here.

    These threads are no politics.

    Please give the full rules a re-read.

  2. sarah*

    What’s your favorite purchase or gift for your kitchen? The young adult daughter of some family friends told me she’s trying to do more cooking at home and learning as she goes and I wanted to get her a kitchen related gift to help her in her quest. She has the basics already so isn’t starting from scratch and I know she doesn’t want cookbooks (she said she prefers getting recipes online). So what kitchen item do you use more than you thought you would or would you immediately replace if it broke?

    1. Joie De Vivre*

      Someone gave me a small coffee bean grinder years ago – I don’t drink coffee & was disappointed. But now, I use it quite a bit to grind spices and flax seed. I absolutely love it.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Mr. Lid storage containers have the lids attached, so you can’t lose them.

    3. Vanessa*

      Le creuset silicone spatula/scraper (or the whole set with crock/holder if you want to splurge. I got one as a gift and I’ve added more. My oldest is probably 15 years old.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Hand mixer! I don’t need a mixer often enough to have one of the big standing ones, but it’s nice to have a little one available.

      Spice drawer liner/insert – it’s basically a strip of rubber with grooves in it so you can lay spice jars flat in a drawer. It works so well, they don’t roll at all and it makes spices so much easier to find!

      1. Esprit de l'escalier*

        I would caution against buying a spice drawer liner unless you know that the recipient stores their spices in a drawer and has enough room or has few enough spice jars to lay them down in the drawer. Really I would caution against giving anything that assumes a particular way of arranging one’s kitchen.

        1. Ali*

          Yes, I have exactly one drawer in my apartment kitchen, and I choose to use it for silverware!

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I have two, but they’re sooooo skinny that something like a spice doohickey would never fit. Someday I’d love to have enough drawers that I could have one, though.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Depending on how big a gift you had in mind – large-ish, an air fryer or anova stick. (I use both at least once a week if not more.) Smallish, some good quality silicone tongs of varying sizes.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        In between: a stick blender with attachments, at least a mini food chopper attachment.

        1. crookedglasses*

          Yessss, stick blender!! I love mine and it’s definitely a go-to tool for me. I don’t actually own a normal blender, and rarely use the food processor that I have. Stick blender all the way!

          1. Buni*

            Absolutely a stick blender, the kind you can just jam straight into the pan. I make a lot of soup, pasta sauces and fruit butters, it saves SO much time.

            1. PhyllisB*

              Great idea!! Properly sharpened knives are not only easier to use, they’re actually safer.
              And along with that idea, some good quality knives. When I married 49 years ago my dad (who used to be a butcher) gave me $100.00 and told me to spend it all on knives. (This was a fortune at that time!!) I still have all but the paring knife. You don’t have to get her a complete set necessarily, but a good paring knife and a good butcher knife are worth their weight in gold.

              1. PhyllisB*

                I meant to say paring knife and chef’s knife. A good butcher knife is good to have but not as essential. And a bread knife is good to have also. Good for more than slicing bread: cutting brownies, splitting a cake layer, cutting bagels are three things that come to mind.

        3. CityMouse*

          I also was going to say immersion blender.

          I also love my silicone muffin tins. I bake significantly more muffins now.

        4. Rosyglasses*

          I second, third and fourth an immersion blender! Mine came with an immersion attachment and also an attachment onto a small food processor. I’ve had it over 20 years.

        5. Middle Aged Lady*

          I second this!
          Mine has a whisk attachment that I use a lot more than I thought I would.
          Other ideas: good thermometer, micro-grater, black iron skillet.

    6. Tremom*

      A garlic press.
      A sharp pairing knife or a chefs knife.
      A microplaner.

      I love all of these tools and use them regularly as I’ve gotten more seriously into cooking

      1. PhyllisB*

        Yes to the microplaner. I have a large one and not only use it for citrus, I can finely grate cheese with it. Using the super fine setting on a box grater just gets gummed up and you’re standing there with a toothpick cleaning the holes out.

    7. Peanut Hamper*

      I bought myself some heavy-bottomed stainless steel saucepans and love them. They really do make a difference in the quality of your cooking! (Anthony Bourdain said you should have pots and pans you could knock someone out with and I always thought it was errant hyperbole, but nope, they do make a huge difference. Wish I’d done this sooner!)

      Also, if she’s into sauces or soups, an immersion blender is a great tool to have on hand.

      1. RC*

        We’re slowly subbing out our very old (like, college-age) saucepans with ones which are induction-ready for if we ever are able to get our own place with induction— they are good (and a couple of them I found at a thrift shop, score). Avoiding teflon for the PFAS reasons. We have a fancy new carbon steel pan which has nonstick properties, but is finicky for care so I probably wouldn’t buy that for someone without checking first.

        Other than that… honestly I don’t know that you need much more than a decent chef’s knife (and cutting board, I guess). And don’t underestimate the life-changing properties of a properly-sharpened and good-sized chef’s knife. Does she have those already?

    8. Hypatia*

      A y-peeler is really handy. an immersion blender with the chopper attachment. A lidded glass casserole dish. I also recently received a few glass one- cup measuring cups – perfect for so many things. Parchment paper or silicone mats.

    9. I didn't say banana*

      A knife sharpener, a good silicone spatula (in one piece, not the handle as a separate piece), a box chopper. if not an air fryer, an air fryer basket for the actual oven.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        I second a good silicone spatula. I have a couple and I use them all the time. So good for making sure you get every last bit of something out. (A necessity in this economy!)

        1. RLC*

          A couple of sizes of heat-proof silicone spatulas, even better if you can find the style sometimes known as “spoonulas”. I got a set of 3 at Costco decades ago-so versatile for mixing batter and also scraping the bowl all with one tool. Best selection and quality seems to be found at restaurant supply shops. Actually, a stroll through a restaurant supply shop might suggest all sorts of useful and well designed high quality giftable gadgets….

      2. PhyllisB*

        Speaking of knife sharpeners, make sure you’re getting a good one. If you’re not sure ask someone who knows about these things because a poor one can ruin your knives. And remind her to sharpen them on a regular basis. My husband sits down with a whetstone and touches ours up every week. (You don’t have to be that intense, but he enjoys doing it.) We have an electric one somewhere that I need to learn how to use but he likes being hands on.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Extra sets of measuring cups and spoons (both for dry and wet ingredients.) So many recipes need multiple uses of the same ones, and it’s a pain to have to constantly wash and dry them for re-use.

      1. Banana Pyjamas*

        Magnetic measuring spoons, the ones designed to be narrow enough to fit inside spice jars.

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          I got a good set of skinny rectangular measuring spoons from King Arthur that fit into spice jars and absolutely love them. They have a 1/8 tsp and a 1-1/2 T., both of which are so nice to have and not included in my other two older sets with round spoons.

      2. Saturday*

        I FINALLY got myself a second set a couple of months ago, and it makes things so much easier – I don’t know why I didn’t do it a long time ago.

      3. Percy Weasley*

        Yes to this! I think I have 4 sets of measuring spoons? A LOT of value for very little $.

    11. My Brain is Exploding*

      Hmmm…immersion blender (but mine was really cheap!), rice cooker (it doesn’t do a lot, but when the oven, stovetop and microwave are all in one vertical space I can cook rice elsewhere), CROCK POT (I didn’t like the instapot, too many bells and whistles).

      1. LBD*

        For many years I thought that a rice cooker was really not useful, and was just something else to fill space in a kitchen. Why not just cook rice in a pot? And then I spent several months staying in a furnished place that had a rice cooker, and I was hooked! Just measure the rice, the water, plug in and turn on. No more rice boiling over on the stove, or any of the other little steps to putting rice on the table. I usually add spices or seasonings, and I often grate a carrot or two into it, or add some other veg such as cabbage or sui choi or peppers. Maybe some leftover protein. It is one of my most used small appliances now!

        1. Clisby*

          I love my rice steamer, but it’s a stovetop appliance, not electric. So if the goal is to make room on the stovetop, a separate electric rice cooker would be better.

        2. Gray Lady*

          Yes! It’s not “hard” to make rice on a stove. But it takes non-zero attention. A rice cooker is beautiful because you set it up, turn it on, and are completely free to concentrate on other tasks.

          2. Deschain*

            Best way to cook rice on the stovetop is to use the pasta method. Lots of water, bring to a boil, add rice and salt, turn to low, cook uncovered until done (my electric stove takes 10 minutes for white, 30 for brown). Drain, then place back on the stove eye (heat turned off) and shake the pot or use a spoon to gently stir the rice while it dries (Remove before it gets sticky). Perfect every time!

            1. fallingleavesofnovember*

              This is funny to me because it’s the opposite of how we were taught to make rice by a Japanese person – but it probably depends on the type of rice! (Definitely don’t mean that as a critique, just interesting to hear different methods!)

        4. Branch*

          Roger Ebert wrote a great rice cooker cookbook (!) from years of using them to cook meals in hotel rooms at film festivals: The Pot and How to Use It.

    12. epicdemiologist*

      A kitchen scale! I resisted getting one for a long time because I thought I wouldn’t ever need one. But for baking it really makes a difference–much more accurate than measuring things like flour by volume. Also they are inexpensive and don’t take up much room. (The recipe I use it for most: biscuits! (US not UK!) Equal amounts BY WEIGHT of self-rising flour and heavy whipping cream. Bake at 450 F for about 12 minutes. You can get fancy and add lemon peel/parmesan/herbs or whatever, but the plain ones are also great.)

      1. Reba*

        Love this answer, if the recipient is at all into baking, a scale and/or instant thermometer are next level!

      2. Esprit de l'escalier*

        I use my kitchen scale for lots of cooking-related tasks! If a recipe calls for 1 pound or 500g of some ingredient, I weigh what I have on the pounds or the metric side and scale accordingly. And of course for baking :)

      3. Alex*

        I use my kitchen scale daily. It is sooo much easier to measure stuff this way. And they aren’t expensive.

        My favorite way to use it is just to put the original container of whatever, put it on the scale to zero it out, and then take out what I need until the scale says negative [whatever weight I was looking for]. No need to dirty a measuring cup, which is extra handy for hard to measure stuff like peanut butter, yogurt, etc.

      4. Emma*

        We also love our kitchen scale! I use it way more than I thought I would. We have an Escali, which is a wirecutter pick. It’s lasted maybe 5 years?

      5. Part Time Lab Tech*

        I take my scales so much for granted I am astonished that people consider baking regularly without them.

        1. OaDC*

          People baked for thousands of years without kitchen scales. It can be nice to have (I have one but don’t use it for baking) but you can do without one. Really.

      6. Rain, Disappointing Australian*

        Seconding this! You would not believe how handy a good kitchen scale can be – I’d go for metal or glass top because they are much easier to sanitise especially if you’re weighing out portions of meat. Plastic-topped ones you can never really get *completely* clean – you really don’t want to be soaking your whole scale, electronics and all!

    13. one of the many librarians*

      Kuhn Rikon 4th burner pot, Pyrex bowls with lids, sharp knives, cutting boards. A scale if she’s interested in baking.

    14. Falling Diphthong*

      A little 4 T liquid measuring cup, so useful for making recipes with a bunch of 1-3 T liquids.

      Mini whisk, so useful when I want to mix up salad dressing for 2.

      1. Apt Nickname*

        I have little glasses with markings on them in oz, ml, tsp and tbsp. So useful!

      2. PhyllisB*

        Yes!! I have a mini whisk from a playset my granddaughters had and you wouldn’t believe how useful it is. Also have a one cup measuring cup from a children’s Tupperware kitchen set (remember those?) and a very small colender. When you’re only cooking for one or two these are great to have on hand.

      1. Ali*

        I think this is a good one, because it’s better to give a gift that doesn’t take up a lot of space. I have a tiny apartment; I got a pressure cooker for Christmas; I still haven’t opened the box!

        1. PhyllisB*

          Wish I could buy it from you. Like an idiot, I gave mine away a few years ago and now sorely regret it. And now I can’t find one anywhere. And no, an instant pot is not the same.

    16. HannahS*

      Immersion blender. My husband got me the Cuisinart one based on America’s Test Kitchen recommendation–that’s my third immersion blender since the first one I bought when I was 20–and it’s really good.

    17. fallingleavesofnovember*

      We got a Le Creuset Dutch oven as a wedding gift and I love it and use it all the time (you can use it on the stovetop and then transfer to the oven), but certainly starting out wouldn’t have been able to afford one. Plus they come in fun colours!

      But if you’re looking for something smaller, I agree with others who have suggested a weigh scale, extra measuring cups/spoons, and silicone spatulas. A nice wooden cutting board could also be a good choice! And we recently got a meat thermometer that has a long metal cord – so you can check the temperature of your meat without having to open the oven.

    18. Anonymous Koala*

      An enameled Dutch oven! They are a bit pricey for a young single person ($50+) but endlessly useful, especially if she’s trying to cook more at home. I use mine for everything from baking bread to making stews to roasting chickens. The 4 qt size is perfect for a single person who likes leftovers.

    19. TomfoolofaTook*

      If she enjoys baking, the Swedish dough whisk is my favorite implement for, well, whisking the dough. King Arthur Flour stocks them.

    20. RedinSC*

      I have a very large mixing bowl with a rubber ring on the bottom of it to keep it from slipping.

      I got this as a house warming gift in 1985 and I’ve moved with it and still treasure it to this day. It’s a must have.

    21. Emma*

      I love our Lamson sharps turner – it’s basically a fish spatula, but so much better than a normal spatula. A friend gave it to use for our wedding, along with a few other cooking tools, and it’s been the only spatula we’ve wanted, since. It’s made in Massachusetts, and we got the black handled one, which is dishwasher safe.

      I also love the bench scrape from Rachel Ray. I use it constantly to transfer chopped stuff from the cutting board to the pan.

      1. Can't Sit Still*

        Lamson has left handed spatulas!!!!1!!! AND left handed kitchen shears.

        I’m getting the pink left handed tool set for my pink and purple kitchen. I’m so excited! Thank you!

    22. Emma*

      ooh – a micro plane or, a oxo cheese grater that’s shaped like a micro plane, but with bigger holes.

    23. Professor Plum*

      There are two items I’d replace in a minute right now. One is a spiralizer—love it for zucchini, cabbage, sweet potatoes and more. The other is an aerogarden—or other countertop hydroponic garden—for growing fresh herbs and greens. Adding fresh herbs to daily cooking is such a treat!

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        What stops me from getting an aerogarden or similar item is that I like fairly bare countertops, apparently more than I like having fresh herbs on hand in winter. Depends on what kind of space people have for things that absolutely have to sit out, like an herb garden. For gift-giving it would be helpful to know their available space and preferences (which you can tell by looking at their counters). I can’t look at pictures of kitchens owned by people who line up every appliance they have without wondering where they find space to do things like dice an onion or pour leftover soup into a storage container (or those Souper cubes I now have thanks to this space, and THOSE would be a great gift).

    24. ghost_cat*

      A citrus zester (or microplaner) and danish dough whisk. I have limited bench space and prefer tools. These two I use. The danish dough whisk gets bonus points because it is a thing of beauty.

    25. Girasol*

      The appliances that have to sit on the counter because I use them so much are a Cuisinart mini chopper and and a Sunbeam Hot Shot, also known as a Sunbeam instant hot water dispenser.

      1. Hypercube*

        I love the Hot Shot! Use it every day and it has such a small footprint it shares the top of our toaster oven with other stuff. I got ours more than 10 years ago and even though it’s light plastic it’s still going strong.

        1. RC*

          The problem I found with the Hot Shot is that it doesn’t fit all mugs (or at least not all mugs I wanted to use). I ended up moving it to my office in favor of the pour-over gooseneck electric kettle.

    26. Andromeda*

      Good knives. ESPECIALLY small knives. I have small hands so tend to prefer the littler paring knives even to cut veggies.

      A small to medium-sized food processor. I don’t have one but I feel the lack. A stick blender could work too.

      A handheld electric whisk. I can’t do any baking without one.

      Multiple sizes of baking and roasting trays.

      Teaspoon and tablespoon measures.

    27. Fellow Traveller*

      I love all the things listed!
      It’s not a physical thing, but what I use the most in my kitchen is my NY Times cooking subscription. Cooks Illustrated online also might be a good subscription because it really goes into the science of how to make tasty food, but I personally find it a bit fussy.
      For Phusical things- I’m pretty “make do” in the kitchen, but I love my microplaner, kitchen knife and cutting board. I replaced my cutting board with a Boos cuttting board last year and I love it so much. Oh also my baking steel- I use it as a griddle every day.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Oh, and even though you said she doesn’t want a cookbook, one good cookbook with chapters on how to equip a kitchen and other basic knowledge is a great reference tool. If she enjoys baking King Arthur has a really good one or for more general stuff, Better Homes and Gardens or Bety Crocker have some good ones. Yes they have recipes, but the other information is really helpful.

      2. Pennyworth*

        I’d recommend Serious Eats, an on-line foodie site. It has a gazillion recipes, and you can also deep dive into them with interesting explanations of the science of how different techniques work. The also evaluate cooking equipment and show how to do handy stuff, like seasoning cast iron pans. Its an amazing one-stop resource for anyone interested in food.

      3. OaDC*

        This is a great idea. I love the NYT Cooking section and newsletter. I cook all the time and at least half of these recommendations would be clutter in my kitchen.

    28. Angstrom*

      Instant-read thermometer, like a Thermapen. Eliminates a lot of the “Are you sure it’s done?” worries.

      1. Lisa*

        If you can’t afford one (they are super pricy), they also make the ThermoPop. Great little thermometer/cake tester, way cheaper and comes in fun colors.

    29. FACS*

      Oxo garlic peeler. It is a small green tube. You put the cloves in, press and roll ot around, and out comes clean garlic!

    30. dreamofwinter*

      My current most-used are a good sheet pan (great for weeknight dinners) and silicone-tipped kitchen tongs (good for literally everything including retrieving cat toys from under things).
      Other can’t-live-without items: a good chef’s knife, an instant-read thermometer, an enameled Dutch oven.

    31. Kuddel Daddeldu*

      Ikea has glass storage containers with a lid that clamps on tightly via four flaps.
      They are rectangular (saving space in the fridge or freezer) and just great for leftovers or purposely cooked spare portions – I do that a lot myself, curries, chili and similar dishes work great. The containers can go from fridge to microwave to the table, saving on dishes/washing-up as well. They are also oven safe (without the lid).

      1. ronda*

        parchment paper instead of a silicone mat for me :). It comes in lovely precut sheets. I like the ones that are not folded.

        but then I do have a dough mat. (bigger than the ones I have seen for roasting/baking in pans)

    34. Miss Dove*

      I love my wok. I’ve had mine for over 20 years, and it’s my go to for quick, easy yet healthy meals.

    35. Mid-West Nice*

      Electric Hot Water Kettle – Use it to quickly bring water to boil.
      Don’t have to have a tea kettle on the stove.
      Also the fancy ones have a temp gauge to let you see the water temp. Use it get “warm” water instead of running the hot tap.
      Just great for everything.

    36. Bluebell Brenham*

      Duplicating many of the suggestions here, I’d choose a set of stacking Pyrex bowls w lids, immersion blender, and a nice Dutch oven if she doesn’t have one already. Lodge has them in a multitude of colors, and they are great. No need to pay $$$$ for LeCreuset.

    37. Paris Geller*

      Meat thermometer (assuming she’s cooking meat). They’re generally very cheap but great for new-er cooks who might have a tendency to overcook things for fear of undercooking.

      I use my air fryer all the time.

      A really good chopping knife if she doesn’t already have one.

      2. Archi-detect*

        I recently got one of the leave-in meat thermometers and it makes a huge difference, especially since I can watch the temp on my phone from another room

    38. IT Manager*

      A sous vide and the related container. I’m NOT a cook but it’s impossible to get things wrong with a sous vide.

    39. Elizabeth West*

      My electric kettle. You can get a neat one with temperature settings for between $35-$50. Recently my fancy kettle died and I had to get a plain-Jane one, but this is an appliance I use every single day. I could not live without it. It heats water SO fast for coffee, tea, and anything else that needs boiling water — ramen, thawing frozen blueberries for oatmeal, etc.

    40. Kathy (Not Marian) the Librarian*

      The one thing bought myself that I use all the time is my digital thermometer. I got a Thermapen. It was $80 at the time. But I use it so much, it’s paid for itself many times over. Don’t be tempted by the cheaper ones. I’ve had mine for about 15 years and it’s still going strong!

    41. Apt Nickname*

      Kitchen shears- I was given them and thought they’d just sit in the drawer, but I use them near daily.

      I also have a magnetic conversion chart, so I know that 1/4 cup = 2 fl oz = 4 T = 12 t. Really useful if you’re scaling up or down.

    42. Forthright*

      A magnetic bar for storing your kitchen knives on the wall. Or anything metallic! I love mine.

      I don’t use everything that’s been suggested but instant read thermometers and the instant hot water kettle are both in daily use for us.

      Storage containers for pantry. Pyrex measuring cups. Good bakeware loaf pans etc if she will be baking.

    43. PhyllisB*

      I hope someone doesn’t come take my Southern card away, I forgot one of the most important things in my kitchen: a cast iron skillet. You can get them in sizes from mini to chicken frying size. I have three different sizes. If you can find one at a thrift shop that would be great because it’s well broken in and seasoned. If you must buy a new one, get a good one. Lodge is the best. They’re not cheap, but they last forever. I was using one belonging to my great-grandmother until I dropped it and it split in half. (Talk about tears!!) And ignore the label saying it’s preseasoned. You have GOT to season it yourself. If you don’t have a mother or grandmother to tell you how you can look it up. And while you’re at it, get some advice on how to take care of it. This is something she will use for the rest of her life.

    44. Samwise*

      Lodge cast iron skillet
      Immersion blender aka stick blender
      Good quality chefs knife
      If you are feeling extra generous— le creuset enameled Dutch oven. I use the oval shaped one more than the round one—just right for pot roast!
      Nice kitchen towels
      Good quality aprons (very nice ones on etsy)0

    45. SophieChotek*

      Probably someone said this and I missed it

      Kitchen-Aid Stand Mixer. I love mine. I do wish I’d gotten the larger size now though.

      (I also have an immersion blender, and hand mixer, and a medium sized and mini food processor. And about 13-17 different knives from several utility knives to a Santoku to a couple chef knives to two cleavers, and a tenderizer, and a garlic press, and a kitchen scale, and two instant-read thermometers, and the Swedish dough thing, etc LOL)

    46. Hard Agree*

      A stainless steel 5 quart saute pan was something I never knew I needed until I worked and cooked for a family who owned one. It is an incredibly versatile piece, great for everything from pasta sauce to chicken strips to pancakes. All Clad is our favorite brand.

    47. JR17*

      I am also someone who prefers online recipes and doesn’t really see the point of cookbooks in an internet world. BUT the exception to that is Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything, which teaches you how to become a more intuitive chef.

      For tools, an air fryer or an instant pot.

      1. heckofabecca*

        As someone whose cooking skills are mostly “find an easy recipe and follow it, repeat ad nauseam,” I gotta say that How to Cook Everything is quite hit-and-miss for me. e.g. I was looking for examples of different cooking/flavor bases, and… sofrito isn’t in there. Sofrito! And then some other basic non-Western food; I don’t remember anything specific off the top of my head, but I know something very fundamental from an East or Southeast Asian cuisine was missing.

        For an app recommendation—I personally don’t subscribe to this because of how many dietary restrictions I have, but I would if I could: SortedFood’s Sorted Sidekick. Essentially, you get to select a weekly ‘meal pack’ of three meals that share fresh ingredients. Each has a shopping list, written recipes, and guided audio/visual instructions.

    48. The OG Sleepless*

      Multiple cutting boards! Everybody knows you need one, but you have to learn that it’s really handy to have three or four.

    49. Anono-me*

      -Stick/immersion blender
      -Swing away jar opener
      -Can opener-electric battery powered small handheld version (I got mine at menards for about $5, but they are way more online. )
      -Good multipurpose knife
      -Good pot holders

    51. amoeba*

      Adding a vote for a thermometer (for meat, but not only that – I used mine to check the water temperature for my dumplings, it was super helpful!) Cheap and small/requires little storage as well.

    53. Elansha*

      Best kitchen gifts I ever got were *nice tongs* (either all-metal if they do All-clad/cast iron or silicone tipped for non-stick pans) and a *microplaner*. I use both nearly every day and I think of the gift-givers often when using them! I also love my oxo *garlic press*, which (like the other items) I would also need to replace immediately if it broke! I also think a good set (4 – 6) of *soft silicone spatulas* (all single piece, not the ones with wooden handles that get moldy) is great to have as you cook more and want multiple similar tools — I use the smaller ones for sautee-ing and the larger for mixing dry and wet ingredients when I’m baking. A great *set of stainless measuring cups and spoons* or *pyrex 2 cup glass measuring cup* would be nice if she likes to bake. (Also, CooksIllustrated has great equipment reviews if you know what you want to get her but not which brand/style of item)

    54. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      My mandoline and my good Microplane zester both come to mind. A good kitchen scale with a digital display that can measure in different units and goes up pretty high, like 15 pounds, is another one. I had an older one that only went up to 6 pounds and would occasionally have to measure things in batches. Would have been nice to put one big bowl on and get it all figured out.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        One more thought: I only recently got Souper Cubes thanks to someone mentioning them in this space. Love them! I have lots of containers for freezing things but those take up more space. If she’s someone who’s inclined to cook things like soup and freeze them, keep those in mind. I’d put them in line behind the

        I added onto someone’s comment above about getting a really good set of measuring spoons that are skinny rectangular ones so they fit into the spice jars–not only the shape, but also having more sizes in the set. My King Arthur ones have 1/8 t., 3/4 t. and 1-1/2 T., all sizes that come in really handy.

    1. basil and thyme*

      I won the lottery! Well, I won a dollar on the lottery. And I saw a very curious young cayote this morning.

    2. anonymous state employee*

      I took a shower yesterday, and even got to wash my hair!

      I broke my femur a week ago and have been in hospital ever since, with obviously no showering or shampooing going on. I got transferred to a rehab hospital on Wednesday, and on Thursday morning the OT therapist helped me take a shower for the first time in a week. Even though I was sitting on a shower chair trying to clean myself in a trickle of water from the shower head, it was ecstasy!

      2. Lifelong student*

        sympathy on the broken femur. I broke mine about a year and a half ago so I know what you are going thru. Do the PT when you can. Hints for the recovery period- when you are using a walker- get a bag that hangs on the front to carry things. I also had a bib apron with a pocket. One of the hardest things to do even later was putting on my socks- could not easily bend that leg up. You can get a gadget that helps with that. I got mine on Amazon. Also, there are gadgets that have hooks and magnets on the end to pick up things without bending over. Good luck!

        1. anonymous state employee*

          Thank you for the excellent advice! Both my spouse and I have had multiple joint-replacement surgeries, so I think we’ve got plenty of tools, but I really appreciate getting the insights of someone who went through this specifically, because it sure differs from knee-replacement surgery. I find the recovery trajectory to be much more gradual, for one thing, which is frustrating but understandable.

          I actually just had another blissful shower/shampoo with the help of a very capable and amusing nursing assistant, so I am sitting here looking at the sunshine outside my window with clean hair and body, which is purely lovely. Thank you again!

      3. Chauncy Gardener*

        Congrats on the shower! After I had my knee replaced it was such a wonderful feeling.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I had to do some troubleshooting on my larger e-spinner – it had the hiccups and was sporadically stopping – and I was worried that the motor was giving out. I decided to try it on battery power instead of plugged in, just to see, and when I did that, no more hiccups! So a replacement power cord was delivered this morning. I enjoy working out solutions to weird problems. :)

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      I took Friday off! I have the leave coming and was just kind of worn out. I slept in, did some shopping, cleaned out the fridge, and just enjoyed the day.

      1. allathian*

        I did the same! Took it easy during the day and went to an early evening movie with my husband. We saw Vermiglio, a movie set in a small village in northern Italy at the end of WW2. Relaxing in a slow-paced way with interesting characters. Features a het romance that ends badly and a hidden lesbian flirtation/romance.

        Our 15 year old son was happy to stay at home, LOL.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      The big floofy cat that sits in the window across from our living room windows to watch the crows. Hi, floofy!

    6. epicdemiologist*

      My beloved dog Henry went back to agility after a 6-month hiatus and did SPECTACULARLY well. He’s about 9 years old now so we just went down to a lower jump height. He had such a good time.

    7. Atheist Nun*

      Today is Bandcamp Friday, and I bought a few different album downloads by bands I like that are new to me: Lip Critic, Lambrini Girls, and Alsarah and the Nubatones.

    8. Bibliovore*

      My dog made a solid poo! She is eating! She is drinking! She is playing with her fellows!

      TMI

      She had been ill for the last two weeks with an inflamed bowel and pancreatitis. Neither of us had been sleeping.
      Great joy! She has turned a corner and has an appointment with specialist at the University Vet School.

      3. epicdemiologist*

        Pancreatitis is scary. My dog Henry also had it–turns out he has both Addison’s Disease and a thyroid problem, but he’s done very well once we got the meds sorted out.

    9. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Yoga class tonight featured the Beatles as a soundtrack and the teacher does a great job of blending the songs and timing it with the movement and energy level of the class. After a week with a lot of intense computer work and busy evenings, it was a great way to start the weekend!

    10. RagingADHD*

      Regency dance practice for the ball later this month. So much fun, but I always underestimate the amount of hopping you do in an hour and a half of country dancing – I’m quite sore!

      1. Rosyglasses*

        I think about how tiny people were in the pre-1900s, and while there were obviously other reasons for that (nutrition etc) I also think about how much movement they had daily, including so.much.dancing! I dance for 15 minutes and get winded…

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I remember an article I read once (I think on the old Jezebel site) about the author learning country dancing, and she emphasized “The fans? Are NOT an accessory. They are 100% necessary.”

        2. RagingADHD*

          Not necessarily so tiny across the board. Most extant clothing was preserved because it wasn’t worn much. But definitely true that very few people could have a sedentary lifestyle.

      2. Nightengale*

        I am on my way to Scottish country dance class now with our ball in just 3 weeks. . .

      3. Pennyworth*

        There is a YouTube video of Royal Ballet dancers learning the steps for a Jane Austen/Regency ball. They said it was exhausting!

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        LOL. Forget the bringing home flowers and champagne every week. *This* is a genuine demonstration of love!

        1. Forrest Rhodes*

          Should have noted: I’m a big Robb fan too, and would totally have appreciated this.

    12. WoodswomanWrites*

      My job has officially approved my three-week vacation in April-May for a road trip through the Southwest–visiting national parks (if they’re staffed and open), camping with a Dineh guide on the Navajo Reservation, and spending time with friends along the way. It’s been many years since I’ve been there and now it’s gonna happen!

      2. slmrlln*

        If the national parks end up being closed, check out state parks. State parks in the Southwest tend to have good facilities and there’s some fantastic hiking

    14. Irish Teacher.*

      I probably don’t have a recurrence of thyroid cancer! A month ago, I was told that they’d found a nodule in the thyroid bed that was probably harmless but they wanted to see me again to be sure. Yesterday, I saw them again and they said they’d gotten the blood results which were normal and didn’t indicate recurrence and the nodule had no suspicious features and was probably a lymph node, so they will do another scan in July but they aren’t worried.

    15. Medium Sized Manager*

      I have been working on building friendly relationships at the new office since I’m remote & don’t have to go in unless I choose to. On my last visit, multiple people smiled when they saw me and stopped me to say hi instead of the other way around!

    16. bassclefchick*

      It’s SO silly, but my local Kwik Trip had the pineapple flavor of Faygo soda in stock again. It’s been MONTHS and I’ve been looking every time I go. Why, yes. I’m in Wisconsin! I was happier for the pineapple soda than the warm weather.

    17. Raia*

      Found a bunch of new music this week that’s encouraging me – the new Lady Gaga album, Cynthia Erivo’s Stand Up from Harriet, Dove Cameron’s Too Much, AURORA, the list goes on.

      Also I finally cleaned the house post-travels! Between dance breaks of course.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      It’s warming up a bit!
      It’s been so very cold here that we still have big piles of snow (they’re super dirty now, ewww lol). But now they’re starting to melt! A bit windy, but that’s not so bad when it isn’t 20 degrees.

    19. sponge*

      There’s a bluejay that’s moved in nearby! This would be unremarkable, except for the fact that I live in the Pacific Northwest. How he got here, I have no idea.

      1. Pentapus*

        east coast blue Jay or Stellar’s jay? Stellar’s jays are fabulous, and I love them. enjoy.

      2. RLC*

        That reminds me of the time we had a Northern Cardinal appear in Lewiston, Idaho. He was a looooong way from home! Don’t think anyone conclusively figured how he got so far west, much like your bluejay.

    20. London Calling*

      Sunshine EVERY DAY this week and no rain for the first time in months – at least since last summer. And the daffodils in the parks around me (SW London) are in bloom. Give it another week and we’ll be starting to see a drift of green on the trees. A few days of sunshine has done wonders for a persistent depressive mood.

      1. allathian*

        The great tits are singing like there’s no tomorrow, and nearly all the snow’s gone. This year it’s been a real on-again off-again winter, so we may get another load of the white stuff… But I hope not.

    22. Dancing Otter*

      I can drive again!
      My eye doctor agreed to give me an interim prescription just a week after my second cataract surgery, so I ordered inexpensive glasses (in case my prescription changes more). A month of depending on my daughter to drive me… I’m grateful to her, but it’s so wonderful to go wherever I want whenever I want again.

    23. Other Duties as Assigned*

      My really great thing from this past week—

      I’m a state retiree on pension and Medicare, but still use my state insurance plan as Medicare supplement: it has open enrollment (to change if desired) every autumn. My wife went for a medical procedure and we found the part not covered by Medicare was not covered by my insurance due to being “out of network,” but the provider was in-network when we signed up.

      I called the state pension/insurance office about this on Monday. A staffer there took it upon herself to investigate and found that the health care provider had ceased covering most visits for our plan, but did not alert us or the state about the change. I was told this would be an acceptable reason to be able to change providers immediately, wrote an e-mail requesting that on Tuesday. They responded with a form to fill out and e-mail back, which I did on Wednesday. The next morning, a e-mail said that they’d received my e-mail and it was being reviewed. On Friday, we got a letter in the mail saying the change was approved (and our new supplement provider is cheaper). Fast result! The customer service from the state pension/insurance office is the best I’ve ever experienced from any company or agency.

      By comparison, I made six (!) calls this week to try to get my printer driver working. Ugh!

      Also, like another person upthread, I also won the lottery this week: $8.00!

    24. Dontbeadork*

      I forgot to go out and fill the bird feeder this morning, and a flock of house sparrows lined up on my window and stared in until I noticed them. When I went out with the food they just few up onto the roof of the house until I moved away from the feeder again and were on it before I was fairly on the path back to the door.

  4. AJB*

    I can’t remember what thread I saw it on last week but THANK YOU to whoever recommended screen zen for decreasing screen time. I tried just using apples screen time settings in the past but they were too easy for me to bypass. When I say that screen zen has been life changing, I’m not exaggerating. I’ve been able to prioritize reading and other relaxing habits throughout my day and I’ve especially noticed a difference in the mornings and evenings. My stress levels are down and I feel so much better overall!

    1. Geriatric Rocker*

      Have you ever considered putting porn on your screen as a way of limiting your time looking at it?

      3. AJB*

        As a preschool teacher I think this would be an especially problematic solution, even more so than it was for the original letter writer! Also I can’t believe I forgot that was the context of the original thread…

    3. Nack*

      Seconding this! I didn’t get Screen Zen, but a similar app called Roots that someone else mentioned last week and I am already feeling much more disconnected from my phone, more relaxed, and have suddenly found time for my hobbies again. So big thanks to the contributors from last week :)

    4. High five*

      AJB, thanks for posting this. I missed the recommendation last week but I installed Screen Zen yesterday and I’m VERY GRATEFUL for it. Thanks up the chain!

      1. AJB*

        I’m glad you found it helpful too! I think my biggest takeaway so far has been how much I’m not actually missing by being off of social media.

  5. Anonymous Cat*

    Checking to see if this is normal:

    I was wondering if I’m in the position to buy a house yet and while I was online on my bank’s website, I started looking through their info about mortgages and started to fill out the basic survey to find out yes or no. Then I decided to stop and come back to this another day.

    Since then I’ve received two voicemails and an email from my bank asking me if I’m interested in buying.

    I am creeped out! All I did was look at the info. I didn’t even finish that preliminary form! and now they’re (human being, not algorithms) looking at my file and trying to contact me.

    Is this normal behavior for a bank? I’m not surprised if the bank’s website is set to check for illegal activity but pestering someone who simply looked at the info?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you were to actually apply, you’ll get calls and emails from about four thousand and twelve random financing companies inviting you to apply with them. I lost my temper and yelled at one, “Does this even actually work? Why would I want to give all my personal information and enter into a six figure transaction with some rando I’ve never heard of who cold called me at 7am on a damn Saturday morning?” So I’m not even remotely surprised that your bank would make note of which of their products you were looking at on their website.

      1. Generic Name*

        Omg, I filled out some info at rocket mortgage and I instantly got like 10 phone calls and emails. And by instantly I mean I had not even clicked to close the browser and my phone was ringing off the hook. It was very unnerving, and for the record, I went with none of the companies that reached out to me.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Most of them called at reasonable hours, but I was just like “seriously who is falling for cold calls on mortgage-levels of money discussion? Do you really get people who are all, oh sure, company I’ve never heard of, I just finished applying to refi my mortgage with my actual lender that I already know about, but sure, let me spout off my SSN and such to Joe’s House of Mortgages because they called me out of the blue?”

    2. Reba*

      This is very normal. I also find it very invasive! Lending is a sales business with targets for contacts and loans sold, pay based on commission, etc. So you are now a “lead,” and even if you weren’t looking seriously, the salespeople will be trying to convert you into a sale (loan origination).

      You can contact your bank and ask to be taken off the call list for lending. Hopefully they won’t sell your info to other firms.

      (I’ve noticed so many online stores and businesses have this aggressive follow up to browsing activity, if you have so much as clicked something you’ll get these smarmy, “forget something?” emails. Hate.)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Especially when it’s something I would normally have no interest in, like a gift for a person that is into fishing or rock climbing or whatever. Ads, stop following me around with wader suggestions!

      2. Anonymous Cat*

        Yes, so invasive! I wanted to gather info and think about it.

        I hate those “caught you looking” ads!
        Just. Looking. !! And it actually backfires with me. If I get those, I start avoiding the website. (I probably don’t need to shop anyway. )

      3. Mutually Supportive*

        Though sometimes if you wait a day or so, they come with a discount code to encourage you. So often I’ll put stuff in a basket and wait a few days to see if I get an offer.

        Etsy sellers have an optional setting to do this if you’ve looked at their stuff.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      I have a lot of savings in my bank and they are SLAVERING to assist me in anything I might wish, apparently–I regularly get emails about financing this and that.

      1. epicdemiologist*

        I imagine that, with consumer confidence plunging and tens of thousands of federal employees being laid off (at least here in the US), banks are noticing that fewer people are eager to borrow money right now.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Home equity loan: It apparently gets listed somewhere and we then got a zillion offers to provide various types of insurance for “our new house” since apparently they couldn’t tell the difference.

      3. Weaponized Pumpkin*

        I get regular phone calls from my bank, from a revolving cast of “private bankers” in various offices (but, oddly, never the ones nearest to me). Clearly I’ve been tagged as a HNW client who doesn’t have any relationships with their advisors and that puts me on the cold call list for all their eager beaver bankers.

        1. Anonymous Cat*

          I get some kind of “private banker” offers and wonder—you know my balance. Why do you think I’d need one? This doesn’t speak well for your math skills….

      4. Kuddel Daddeldu*

        Here in Europe, there are fairly strong data protection laws. I still use a spare phone number (think Google voice) for almost all online forms; that number goes straight to voicemail. For more shady services or anything where I don’t think they need my number, I use a publicly available service that just tells the caller, in a professional and cheerful voice, that “the person who gave you this number is not interested in receiving calls”. And my phone does not ring between 10pm and 7am (had to do that as I’m often traveling internationally over pretty much all time zones).

    4. BRR*

      Unfortunately it’s very normal to be contacted after simply typing out your information then deleting it. Combine that with the aggressive calls you get when you click submit for mortgage info and it’s not surprising at all

      1. Anonymous Cat*

        It can see your keystrokes even if you don’t click enter?

        I’ve heard of that for chats but didn’t think it was true.

        1. Kuddel Daddeldu*

          The Javascript that’s nowadays used on web forms for navigation, responsive design (like different layouts for phone and PC and changing when you turn your phone to landscape) can see each field as it’s entered, before you hit submit.

    5. Chaordic One*

      This is indeed creepy and obnoxious. It is similar to how when you are looking at a website you visit regularly, especially Costco, you look at a given item, decide it isn’t right, leave the site, and then you get an email from them that says something like, “Still thinking about it? You know your want it.” Um, no I don’t.

      1. Kuddel Daddeldu*

        Pro* tip: Use incognito mode for “just looking”. Give a semi-fake address (1234a Magnolia drive if your number is 1234, this way you’ll know who sold your data when your mailbox explodes). Use (xxx) 555-yyy-zzzz as the phone number (if in the US) as these 555 numbers are guaranteed to not exist, or a rerouting service like Google voice.
        * I’m (among other things) a cyber security engineer

        1. Chaordic One*

          You’re right. It is an extra annoying step, but it is probably worth it to do so.

      2. Chaordic One*

        Kind of related to this is how I am always getting annoying pop-ups asking for my permission to allow different websites to identify my location. I always check, “no”. They don’t need to know my location. What a PITA.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Yes, this is completely normal. You were dealing with your own bank, and the first thing you filled out was your contact info. The form was saved. There’s nothing creepy about it and no mysterious settings on the website.

      If you had walked into a physical branch of your bank and asked for mortgage rates, they would also call or email you to follow up.

    9. Zephy*

      Unfortunately yes, as far as I can tell. I do appreciate that at least it’s a live human trying very hard to get me to apply for a mortgage and not an endless network of robots, but yeah, you look like you might be interested in a loan so they are going to hound you about it until you either tell them where to stick it or go through with the thing.

    10. fhqwhgads*

      This is very normal. If you’d completed the form, you’d be getting twice as much follow up.

    11. Hola Playa*

      When you’re ready to apply, go first to opt out pre-screening dot com to avoid bazillion calls. Credit agencies sell your data instantly to lenders who then can keep you on their lists forever.

  6. Falling Diphthong*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    LOLA, a really charming low-budget sci fi movie about two British sisters who, in the 1930s, invent a machine that can pick up broadcasts from the future. They initially use this to learn about The Beetles before the rest of the world, but when WW2 breaks out realize they can help. I really liked this. (“Low-budget” is a compliment from me in this context, where it’s a movie that rests on an interesting idea and has no special effects.) (Do note that this is from ’23; there is a movie called Lola from ’24 that is apparently much worse but more mainstream, and so pops up first. The one I recommend has a little black and white image for the icon.)

    1. RagingADHD*

      Just re-watched the Branagh-Thompson “Much Ado About Nothing,” which is just a delightful movie and a wonderfully lively and accessible adaptation of Shakespeare. Haven’t seen it in a long time, and it was my teenagers’ first time seeing it, though they have read the play.

      If you haven’t seen it, it’s got a fantastic cast and is gorgeously shot on location. Highly recommend!

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Omg I love her. Bessie Carter, who plays Prudence Featherington on Bridgerton, is her daughter!!!!

      3. Hearts & Minds*

        I saw this in the theater with my mom as a young 20-something. I still remember how much we laughed.

      4. epicdemiologist*

        If you can find it, the version with David Tennant and Catherine Tate is also amazing! (At the masked ball, Benedick is dressed as Miss Piggy and Beatrice is one of the Blues Brothers.)

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          That sounds adorable! I am also a fan of the version directed by Joss Whedon — modern, black and white film. I found it very accessible.

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            That was a great one! The chemistry between Amy Acker and Alexis Denisof was OUTTA SIGHT.

      5. Buni*

        I honestly don’t know that I’ve ever seen an adaptation of Much Ado that I haven’t loved – all the ones mentioned above AND I saw the current Hiddleston-Atwell version on the London stage a few weeks ago.

    3. allathian*

      Vermiglio, an Italian movie written and directed by Maura Delpero. Set in a small mountain village at the end of WW2, it features a family patriarch who looks about 70 but is still fathering more kids to his huge family, and who’s also the teacher at the village school. There’s a het romance that ends badly (the oldest daughter gets pregnant and marries the father but there are complications) and a lesbian flirtation/romance that doesn’t really go anywhere. The stunning scenery is almost a character by itself. Really recommend this movie.

      Still enjoying Rings of Power, and we just started watching Picard season 3, or TNG season 8…

    4. Helvetica*

      I watched “Laws of Attraction”, a 2004 romcom with Julianne Moore and Pierce Brosnan as rival lawyers who fall in love. Sounds good, right? Wrong. It was such unbelievable drivel that I could not believe these two actors could not make me believe that these characters loved, or even liked each other! Granted, had I read the reviews, I would’ve skipped it but I honestly did not think it could be this bad. All I wanted was a nice romcom.

    5. Forensic13*

      My husband and I have finally started season one of Severance and we’re obsessed! So many really unique storytelling choices and a really interesting mystery so far (we’re up to episode 6).

      1. CityMouse*

        This is my favorite show right now. I binged Season 1 but I’m watching Season 2 live.

    6. Texan in Exile*

      I watched Sing Sing (directed by Greg Kwedar) on a plane and holy smoke it might be one of the best movies I have ever seen.

    7. Pharmgirl*

      A Private Affair on Prime – Spanish language murder mystery taking place in the 40’s. It has a “Miss Fisher” vibe for those who enjoyed that show.

    8. Nervous Nellie*

      Yay! LOLA sounds wonderful, and I just found it is streaming for free on Tubi. The movie poster is black and white and kaleidoscopic. Bookmarked immediately. Sounds wonderful!

      Also on Tubi, I am watching the single season made of Diplomatic Immunity, a comedy from New Zealand about a disgraced diplomat who is assigned to the embassy of a nearby island nation. He struggles to rein in the incredibly corrupt ambassador and his staff. It’s a giggle. It’s a shame more episodes weren’t made.

    10. Rosyglasses*

      Paradise (Hulu) – My husband and I just finished Season 1 and it was SO GOOD. Secret Service officer has to solve a mystery, and everyone is living in a post-nuclear America. Highly recommend.

      Taskmaster (Prime) – We’re finishing up Season 18 and I’m trying to find where to watch the specials and other country versions. If anyone has suggestions I’m all ears!

      Reacher (Prime) – I’m watching this next season as it rolls out. Nothing amazing, but solid big guy kicking bad guy a**.

      John Mulaney Live (Netflix) – starts this coming Wednesday and I’m really excited for it. His last live special series was a hoot.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      I just started Campion, with the third Doctor starring as one of those eccentric “amateur” detectives who actually work for the Crown. It’s charming in that “just before the nineties” British way.

      Also, the New Zealand three parter “A Remarkable Place to Die.” Only seen the first part but am hooked on the intrigue! Also finally beginning Deadloch; I was three minutes in and a man’s naked corpse just got a ciggie dropped in a very formerly sensitive place!

    12. Bluebell Brenham*

      I think I found LOLA on Kanopy and really enjoyed it. Recently on Kanopy I watched the Origin of Evil and it was sort of like French Succession. Also enjoyed Paradise and am watching Severance. Since Conclave was on Peacock I watched it this week, and enjoyed it much more than I had expected.

    13. Tierrainney*

      the “cowboy bebop” anime series. its on Crunchyrole. My oldest is very into anime and I had heard of this one so we’re watching it together.

      I can’t decide if I would recommend it or not. The episodes are really variable for good or not very good.

  8. Anonymous Koala*

    I have somehow ended up with 3 (!) Costco-sized bags of frozen stir fry vegetable mix. Does anyone have any recipe recommendations for using up frozen veggies?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Vegetable soup? I put my stray frozen veggies in a crockpot with tinned diced tomatoes and some beans, add a bit of broth if needed, and season it. Add pasta when serving if you like.

      1. MSD*

        I also would make soup but I add chicken broth and a LOT of marjoram. Then after vegetables are soft I purée it with an immersion blender. People make fun of my green goop soup but it’s actually pretty tasty. To me it tastes much better than a bunch of individual vegetables floating around.

      1. Observer*

        This is a great idea. I would just caution that you should cook relatively small amounts at a time, and don’t over cook.

    4. Notmorningperson*

      Nigella’s chicken pot pies (I make chicken and ham and put any veggies I have in). Or you could just make a veggie pie with a nice cream or cheese sauce. Biscuit topping if you don’t want to do pastry. Yum.

    6. Frieda*

      You can also make nice omlettes or fritattas – cook the veggies first, of course!

      My partner will also put almost any veggies into a red sauce for pasta and then use the immersion blender to anonymize them. Do not use corn, green beans, broccoli, or Brussels sprouts this way, though. (I know you know! He knows after trial and error.)

    7. Neither Here Nor There*

      We use a ton of frozen veggies in fried rice! Also Japanese-style curry.

      1. AnReAr*

        Yep, in my family we make a big stew or (more recently after having found the joys of it) Japanese style curry whenever we’ve got a bag of veggies about to go off.

        These directions are specifically for veggies starting to turn so there’s probably more leeway on cooking times when they’re just frozen. These methods work best with chopped veggies, can be big chunks or small chunks but the average broccoli needs to be at least cut in half.

        For stew: put the veggies in just enough to cover them of at least half water and half or a third whatever the base will be (meat stock, bone broth, whatever) for like five minutes at a bubbling boil, timer doesn’t start until it starts boiling. Turn to simmer then add all the other flavoring and spices and more broth. If you’re putting in a noodle thing or other starch that needs boiling you’ll need to do that separately because they’ll mess up each other’s boil time and one will be undercooked or overcooked.

        For curry: just do a table spoon or two of your preferred oil in a pan or pot and stir fry those veggies by literally stirring them up into the oil and cooking them on the pot/pan surface. The stirring is essential to make sure they’re all cooked all the way, and you can do this longer to your taste but again spend at least five minutes on this with the stove on at least medium high for near off veggies. Then follow your curry instructions (which usually includes the previous step as the first step anyway) for the rest.

    8. Llellayena*

      We use those for fried rice and Thai peanut chicken. We’ve also just done basic beef stir fry.

    9. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

      I have a recipe for this:

      For stir fry:
      Aforementioned veg
      Seasonings to taste (I used cayenne pepper, sharp paprika, ginger , garlic)
      Soy sauce. Teriyaki also works fine
      Tahini (sesame paste)

      1. Heat up sesame or canola oil.
      2. Add veg and seasonings, and sauté until al dente (I’m not fond of overcooked veg)
      3. Turn off heat, and immediately pour in tahini, mixing it all together. This achieves a perfect creamy consistency
      4. Serve with starch of your choice. My rice cooker died, so I used polenta.

    10. Buni*

      Veggie-stuffed potato cakes – they can be made and frozen and then fried straight from the freezer.

    11. Reluctant Mezzo*

      I have hot noodles every morning (toss the flavor packet, use my own spices) and I throw in a lot of the frozen veggies, I just increase the microwave time and they come out great.

  9. goddessoftransitory*

    Fun question of the day: what, in a film or TV show, has been a mistake/error that totally took you out of the moment, even if you got what they were trying to achieve?

    TW: mention of suicide, also spoilers for the movie On The Beach.

    In the film version of the above book, the characters are Australians waiting for the radiation of a world war to reach them. It’s about how the various people find meaning in the last days of their lives or the last things they choose to do.

    One character is a sports car racer, and after his last big race (gasoline having become so rare that there’s not going to be another) he shuts himself in his car shed to asphyxiate himself with his beloved auto. It’s a very sad scene, or should be.

    The problem is: the shed is an old wooden thing FULL of knotholes and cracks! The light is streaming in and it’s a lovely look meant to evoke the sadness of the passing of all things, but all I could think was “this isn’t going to work! You need a sealed environment for this to work!”

    What are your “uh…actually” moments?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Work hazard: Medical shows where nobody documents anything, or where the Amazing Doctor (or the resident) are running all the lab tests and imaging studies and whatever themselves.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          The paralyzed expert sending the rookie cop into the pipe, ALONE, in The Bone Collector. I hated that film.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Weirdly – I just finished a book that was set near Seattle, where I lived for 11 years, and it actually was distracting when they got the local places right.

        Book: “They were airlifted to Harborview.” (Which is right because at least when I left it was the only L1 trauma center in several states.)
        Me: “Hey I worked there!”
        Book: “I’m going to be attending Seattle Central.”
        Me: “Hey I went there!”

        1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

          So it’s not just me?

          We recently read the children’s book Harriet the Spy aloud, and I kept stopping to think about the geography: not because it was wrong, but because the details were that specific. So I was thinking about the subway station I sometimes used on my way home from school, and wondering whether there’s still a movie theater on X corner, or “yes, Gracie Mansion would be over there.”

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          I know! I’m way more used to them getting very very WRONG.

          When I watched the TV show The Killing, the time/space distortions had me between laughter and rampaging so many times. My favorites were a the idea of a ten year old boy running between the International District and SeaTac airport (yes, running. On his little ten year old legs) and the notion of a killer marking his burial spots with huge, bright red balloons–right under one of the most used flight paths for said airport. Apparently no pilot ever spotted them!

        3. Elizabeth West*

          The way I screamed when my auntie’s and my favorite English pub showed up in an episode of The Sandman. :D

          It’s the one where the medieval guy wanted to live forever, so Death gave him his wish. Then Dream bet him that he would hate immortality. They met up at the same pub every hundred years to check in. After Dream escaped from a hundred-year captivity, he found out their regular pub was gone. The one they go to after that is OUR PUB. Now I’m wondering how many shows it’s been in.

          Even wilder, I met a new coworker recently who is from the general area and knows that pub well. Mind blown, lol.

      3. Catherine*

        Oh my gosh every medical show ever.

        Also all of the weird emotions and attachments with patients?? They cross such serious boundaries on most medical shows (Greys I’m mainly looking at you here).

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          House is in its own category. The NOISE I made when the hospital administrator goes “I put a hundred thousand dollars in the budget for lawsuits against him.” No the duck you did not.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I made a medical mistake in Confluence, which I wrote in 2018. A character goes to have a scan in an open MRI machine. I myself never had an MRI until 2023 and did not know how insanely loud they are. While lying there with my legs inside it, I realized I forgot to make the technician give the character headphones. >_<

          It was so stupid considering that I actually went to my cat's vet and grilled her about the scene in Tunerville where they anesthetize Chris in the vet’s office. I should have done the same for this but did not. Oof.

          1. Rusty Shackelford*

            If it makes you feel any better, I’ve had a technician forget to give me headphones.

        3. Nightengale*

          oddly the Grey’’’s anatomy issue I’m dwelling on the most right now (and I’m a doctor, I yell at the show all the time) was a throwaway line about a character playing Rooster in the musical Annie when he was in Middle School…. Only the show was in still in the original Broadway run at that point, there was definitely no Annie Jr version liscensed for schools back then. Apparently I take show tune accuracy even MORE seriously than medical accuracy

      4. The OG Sleepless*

        We’re currently watching The Pitt, which overall feels extremely realistic, but they haven’t shown a single person writing charts. I keep telling my husband that after the 12 hours of Noah Wyle’s shift, the next episode, hour 13, is going to be nothing but him trying to write charts while being interrupted every 2 minutes by people who know good and well he’s off shift.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          The only time I’ve ever seen anyone mention charting is when House had a two episode spate of “he hasn’t done any charting in five years so Cameron has to do it.” One, Cameron can’t do his charting, and two, HIM would have suspended his privileges for noncompliance with documentation requirements after 30 days, five years my ass. :-P

    2. TomfoolofaTook*

      A book in this case. I love Louise Penny, but the code she depicted as virtually uncrackable was so easy that I solved it in minutes. True, I am the daughter of a cryptographer …

        1. Imtheone*

          I like Louise Penny, but her treatment of the education of children with Down syndrome is so off (speaking as a Special Ed teacher).

          I’ve had to pause continuing with her books.

      2. Wolf*

        A crime novel where the murderer had “a complex system of numbers” going on. The big finale was him trying to kill 3 people at 3pm on the 3rd floor. Come on, that’s not even complicated numbers for a kid in first grade. Give me some Fibonacci, cross sums, literally anything more complex than the same number over and over!

    3. ruthling*

      I recently read The Village Library Demon-Hunting Society, which was mostly quite cute, but at one point she mentions a panda at the “Boston Zoo”. Which, 1 there has never been a panda in a Boston zoo, and 2 there isn’t even a zoo *called* the Boston zoo. It was jarring since it was so unnecessary and/or easy to get right.

    4. CTT*

      In Iron Man 3, Tony Stark is (ALLEGEDLY) in Chattanooga, Tennessee. A joke is made about slow internet. Except that Chattanooga has had gig fiber internet since the early 2010s and pioneered that. I assume that was “let’s name a random very southern city” joke and not a deep cut joke, but please do like 5 minutes of research in the future, Marvel.

      1. AnReAr*

        Mine is also a Marvel movie. No spoilers; in the newest Captain America (which is amazing! I haven’t seen most of the movies because I got burned out early and this is actually the first Captain America I’ve seen, now twice) there’s a point where a character somewhere in East Coast US is on the phone to another character on the Indian Ocean. It’s apparently simultaneously mid day in both locations.

        Time differentials being big enough to make the time of day different done wrong are kind of my pet peeve.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          “Are we hurtling directly into the sun as it fills the sky with fiery death or is it me?”

    5. Another Janet*

      This is adjacent, but fairly often in audiobooks narrators mispronounce place names. (Think Rodeo Drive in L.A., Houston Street in NYC, many towns in Massachusetts.) It throws me for a loop when a first-person narrator would definitely know the local pronunciation!

      1. Imtheone*

        And also names from other languages get mispronounced. Novel is set in France, but the audiobook narrator can’t pronounce the name properly. They will give a weird French twist to the name, but be completely off.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          That reminds me of the Nancy Drew game set in Ireland where they keep pronouncing the name “Dónal” as Donald without the final “d” and saying it in this weird French accent. It’s actually pronounced like “doughnut,” only with an l sound instead of a t at the end.

          The other thing that threw me in that game was the lack of recognition that we are a neutral country that has not been at war in a century. They were talking about somebody working openly in Ireland for the allies in World War II, which um…no. Not the way they described it. Yes, Irish people went abroad to fight with the allies and yes, there was a lot of secret collaboration, but…with plausible deniability. What they were describing would have put the country in actual danger and would have been shut down.

          And at the end, it describes something being seized by military types for use on the battlefield. Not only is the Irish army…not usually on battlefields but the description sounded way more like the IRA or other paramilitary groups than the national army, though it was obvious they meant the latter.

          1. allathian*

            Or Picard French! He can’t even pronounce his name correctly. I really like Patrick Stewart in the role, but his French is of a very British order.

            Another pet peeve of mine is when directors make actors mispronounce words. It throws me every time the very English-sounding Picard says “lootenant” rather than “leftenant.”

      2. Mephyle*

        In books, when a character says a word or phrase in a foreign language, thrown in by the author to convey that the character is a foreign language speaker. But you the reader know that language and you observe that the author got it ridiculously wrong. Why wouldn’t they or their editor have checked?

        1. allathian*

          Agatha Christie’s Poirot says odd things sometimes, but I suspect it’s the printer/editor who got it wrong rather than the author, who like many other ladies of her class was mostly educated at home until she finished her education at a boarding school in Paris.

          1. EvilQueenRegina*

            I was surprised to see in my copy of The Mysterious Affair at Styles where Poirot says “bonjour to our chances of catching him” where au revoir would have been more appropriate. Anyone familiar with the British sitcom Only Fools and Horses will know why I wondered if Del Boy Trotter was the proofreader.

      3. Tiny Clay Insects*

        The audiobook of my novel about a junior roller derby team just came out. The coach’s derby name is Ann Archy, like a pun on anarchy, and the narrator pronounced it like Archie. It never occurred to me to make a note about that!

    6. Peanut Hamper*

      Any show where they do a “let’s do a genetic/chemical/whatever analysis” of this sample and the computer just outputs a lot of very pretty graphics, often flashing from one image to the next. Yeah, as someone who works in a lab, this is exactly NOT how any of this works.

      And when a computer just shows that this is a match on the screen? Nope, all these systems just show data and it’s up to real humans to determine what it means. Usually, we just get a number and real humans have to decide whether something is a match or not.

      Also: I read On the Beach in high school and was blown away by it, and now I feel the need to read it again. Thank you for this!

      1. WeirdChemist*

        As someone who’s job involves a lot of mass spec identifications of unknowns, 10000 times this!!!! My software does spit out some suggestions for what it thinks things are, and it’s frequently wrong! Definitely takes a lot of human input and context clues to figure out what things are.

        I’ll also add that whenever science labs are shown in media, there’s always random neon-colored solutions bubbling away over Bunsen burners instead of on a hot plate. And half the time it’s in a volumetric flask (aka something that will be rendered quickly inaccurate by the glass rapidly heating and cooling).

        I also just watched an episode of Psych where a background shot had a rotovap condenser with bright red liquid flowing through the part where the water would flow to cool things down, NOT in any of the parts where chemicals would be. It was one of the really swirly ones, so definitely the producers going “that looks cool and sciencey for sure!” Lmao

        2. goddessoftransitory*

          Liz of the venerable website And You Call Yourself A Scientist! calls this “Flasks of Variously Coloured Fluids” and adores pointing them out in various B movies.

        3. amoeba*

          Or it’s a rotavap but with colourful liquid on the cooling spiral… like, no, that’s not where the chemicals go! There’s just water in there!

      2. mx. sparks*

        I made the mistake of reading *On the Beach* while on leave from a ballistic-missile submarine.

    7. Pam Adams*

      and of course, he really died by taking the pills, having worked on his car so it would stay in good shape.

    8. Anonymous Cat*

      Police procedural shows where the officers or morgue staff have long loose hair and don’t do anything to prevent contaminating the crime scene or the autopsy.

      That really bugged me on NCIS. I kept thinking they were about to get their own DNA in the tests.

      But I know that’s a Hollywood thing, not actual practice.

      2. Nervous Nellie*

        Yes! And the detective arrives at the crime scene in a glamorous white suit and high heels. Come on! I got through exactly half of one episode of CSI/NCIS/RSVP/COD, one of those acronym shows, and said nope and switched it off.

      3. I take tea*

        The long loose hair
        without any cover bugs the hell out of me in a lot of historical movies. I know the Pirates of the Carribbean series are not especially realistic, but what really made me annoyed was a scene where a woman dressed as a man goes to work at a ship. When she is found out, she most sensibly keeps the men’s clothing – but lets her hair down and runs about like that. Long, loose hair on a sailing ship. Honestly. Bugs the hell out of me, it’s just so unrealistic.

        1. Wolf*

          Historical shows that place a bonnet/headkerchief on top of long, loose hair. It’s a protective headgear for farm work! It’s that roomy because the hair goes inside the bonnet! Aaaaaaaaargh!

    9. allathian*

      The examples are too many to name but there’s one trope I really hate, and that’s flashbacks that should be shown from a first-person perspective but aren’t because that would require more time to shoot. So I really enjoy it when they do bother to reshoot. I mean, sometimes I dream in the third person, but all my memories are first person ones.

      Don’t get me wrong, sci-fi is pretty much my favorite genre. I don’t mind movies and shows breaking the laws of physics as we understand them. FTL ships and comms, artificial gravity, transporters, replicators, and inertial dampeners that make it possible to do U-turns in space are all fine if they help to tell a good story. The two things that always get to me are sounds traveling in a vacuum (no, you won’t hear that enemy ship shooting at you) and visible laser/phaser beams in a vacuum (you won’t see it shooting at you, either).

      1. Still*

        I’m curious, what do you mean by “flashbacks that should be shown from a first-person perspective”?

        1. curly sue*

          I think I understand this one… when a flashback includes something from the perspective of someone else or the omniscient narrator/camera that the person having the flashback wouldn’t know.

          Like a cold open on a crime show where the establishing shot shows the burglar running away from the house before the camera shot pans through to the unconscious victim. Including the ‘burglar running away’ part of the clip in a later flashback set up as the victim retelling the story doesn’t work, because they wouldn’t have been able to see that happen. What they should have done is refilm the bits of the crime the victim did see before they were knocked out.

          (It’s a crude example, but you see lots of subtler versions of this in tv shows.)

          1. Saturday*

            Yes, or just simply when a character remembers something and the scene they “remember” involves the camera moving back and forth to capture the action for us, the audience. It often involves things they wouldn’t remember, like seeing themselves from behind. It’s usually because they’re just re-using the footage of a scene shown previously. I’ve never seen a show actually re-shoot a scene but from the perspective of the character who is going to have the memory/flashback later so that it looks like they would have seen it, but that would be cool.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              The Michael Myers opening kill flashback in 1978’s Halloween was a good example of how to do it right. It only switches to omniscient at the very end, when they pull his mask off to reveal he’s a child.

            2. allathian*

              Yeah, that’s it.

              Another thing that bugs me on space shows is when the life support system stops working and people start choking within seconds or minutes. Sure, if they’re in a small shuttle and start venting atmosphere, or if there’s a toxic gas leak it would have to be dealt with quickly, but a large ship with a crew of hundreds? They won’t run out of oxygen in a hurry and it’ll be hours if not days before carbon dioxide becomes a problem.

      2. Angstrom*

        Sci-fi: On spaceships/control centers/villian lairs — control panels exploding in huge showers of sparks. The whole point of a control panel is to use low-power signals to monitor and control other devices from a safe distance. You don’t route the main reactor power bus up to the bridge and through the control panel. ;-)

        2. amoeba*

          Hah, that one’s a classic though, at least on Star Trek! I’m just assuming people in the 24th century love a bit of danger with their consoles at this point…

    10. Jill Swinburne*

      Not films or TV shows, but I always notice when a book is set in Britain with British characters but the author is definitely not British. The voice is always somehow wrong, or they use incorrect words (‘sidewalk’ not ‘pavement’ etc). And then they’ll throw in a British English word for authenticity and it jars.

      I imagine this is probably the case for non-Americans writing about America, too, and other countries.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        “So the hero quickly drove across Los Angeles, which took about 12 minutes…”

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Ah, the “no matter where you are in Paris, you can always see the Eiffel Tower out the window” thing.

      2. Buni*

        You beat me to it. Faux-Regency books are a nightmare for this, no Miss Fotherington-Grace did NOT walk two blocks to meet her friend…

      3. Time for Tea*

        On that note… I’ve read a series of books set in Cornwall from where you can drive to London in an hour, and other equally distant areas of England too if the need arose, but the main character refused to go to an international event in their special interest area in Jamaica as it was too long to fly there involving a layover in Dubai. Look at a map! How many seconds does it take to search for travel times on the internet! I’ve stuck with the series as it’s lightweight easy reading with entertaining enough characters but just forget it’s set in Britain to be able to cope with the complete lack of research on language. I’ve also noticed a few books I’ve read recently have had an info page at the front that the author is British and writes in English, and not to bother contacting them to tell them that the spellings are all wrong…

        1. Texan in Exile*

          That FBI show (The Mentalist?) where they hopped in the car in Austin and said they would have lunch in El Paso.

          I mean look at a map, people!

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            I do find it hilarious when people don’t grasp the relative sizes of states. It will take you days to drive across Texas but hours to do so across, say, Rhode Island.

            1. remember the alamo*

              u dym, i drive from amarillo to ft worth for eclipse and it takes like 8 hours not “days”

            2. RussianInTexas*

              Houston to El Paso is about 700+ miles, which you can make in a day, depending on how bad the traffic on I-10 is between Houston and San Antonio and in San Antonio. But you are going to be sore.

          3. Sloanicota*

            Similarly, I think it was the TV show of Hannibal that kept having the characters bop about between Quantico/Wolf Trap and Baltimore, where two of the characters explicitly each live. If you make that drive after work it’s probably three hours.

            1. WeirdChemist*

              In Criminal Minds, they’re constantly going from Quantico to downtown DC in like 15 mins. Even with 0 traffic it would take longer lol

            2. Grits McGee*

              Every show set in the DC area feels like this- NCIS is one of my guilty pleasure shows, if only for the enjoyment of noticing the DC inaccuracies. There’s so many “Oh no, we’ve just realized that X is in danger!” moments where they have to rush from the Navy Yard to rescue someone out in Maryland or Virginia. Zero awareness that those are 1-3 hour drives…

              That, and the trees are always wrong. Soooo many wooded area scenes where the vegetation is clearly California scrub oaks.

            3. goddessoftransitory*

              And how they were the only FBI agents on the entire east coast, field offices not being a part of this reality.

        2. WellRed*

          The tv show hightown is like this. Set in Provincetown but characters frequently pop up to Hyannis (doable but not regularly) or even head off cape to New Bedford. Again, doable but it’s not a quick jaunt and definitely not in summer.

        3. noncommitally anonymous*

          Likewise, on FBI or Criminal Minds when they pop from Quantico to downtown DC in about 5 minutes. It’s 30 miles of some of the worst traffic in the country, people! It takes 45 minutes if you’re lucky, up to about 2 hours if you’re unlucky.

      4. RussianInTexas*

        The book I mentioned below, set in Galveston TX, and featuring the main character born and raised on the island, had the main character name Gemma. In my 25 years living in the US, I have not met a single Gemma. Yes, the writer is British.

        1. Random aside*

          You probably will in the future… I suspect there’s more than a few American babies about to be named “Gemma” by Severance-loving parents!

        2. fhqwhgads*

          It’s the 176th most popular name in 2023. Ahead of both Amy and Rachel (to give some super common examples). It’s been steadily rising in popularity since 2008, according to SSA.

      5. Irish Teacher.*

        Yes, I feel the same about Ireland.

        Closed Casket for example, despite literally describing how the Irish had targeted the Anglo-Irish landed class during the War of Independence nonetheless had the Garda inspector, who would almost certainly have been fighting in the War of Independence, insist that the Anglo-Irish characters were above suspicion.

        That made…no sense. Sophie Hannah could have made it make sense by having him reluctant to accuse them for fear it would seem politically motivated or biased against them. That would even be quite probable.

        Another story I read had a kid refused a place in a school because they failed the entrance exam. That is illegal here.

        And there was one series written by an American author that actually was pretty good at using the correct Irish terms and so on, but…overused them to the point that it sounded like they were sort of showing “look at my research” and it made the dialogue sound awkward, like “I’ll just get a mineral to drink,” like yes, we call fizzy drinks “minerals,” but…in that context, it would be more usual to say “I’ll get a coke” or “a Fanta” or “a 7-Up.” The term “mineral” is more used in contexts like “you can find the minerals at the back of the shop” or “the under 18 disco has a mineral bar only. No alcohol allowed” or “I don’t drink. Have you any minerals?”

        And everybody kept blessing themselves. Yes, it was in contexts where Irish people would bless themselves like when a body was found but…it wasn’t always the right characters doing it. There were times it was teenagers and…it’s more a thing elderly people do. And it was too often.

      6. Geriatric Rocker*

        I’m impressed at how quickly Kevin Costner’s Robin got from Devon to Sherwood, seemingly via Hadrian’s Wall, in less than a day. On foot.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      The Midnight Sky. George Clooney, sci fi, should be up my alley. Except right up front there’s a crew returning from an Earthlike planet that they just found–breathable atmosphere, comfy shirtsleeve temperatures, Earthlike sunshine, mature ecosystem full of megaflora and -fauna. On a moon orbiting Jupiter. No, not returning from another solar system that is similar to Jupiter and its moons and that’s the analogy they’re using to describe it–there’s an Earth-size moon orbiting Jupiter that we just never noticed.

      I think I made it 15 minutes, with 2 stops to google “Surely I didn’t understand something–this is me, right?”

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        And despite being literally millions and millions of miles further from our sun than Earth is–it’s Earth 2. Not a frozen wasteland with a slightly brighter star amongst the rest, at all.

        1. 2e asteroid*

          Ooh, you triggered one of my pet peeves!

          The sun from the outer solar system would be smaller and dimmer than it is on Earth, but still by far the brightest object in the sky, and would probably appear as a noticeable disk (not a point) out as far as somewhere around the Kuiper belt.

          In short, frozen wasteland yes, “slightly brighter star” no.

    12. Sloanicota*

      Haha anything that acts like Kalamazoo is a very remote exotic place. It’s just a funny name, guys, it’s actually a well developed city not far from Chicago or Detroit.

    13. Frieda*

      I finished a NYT bestseller this week by virtue of hate-reading the last 2/3 – the flat prose was probably due to a middling translator, but the plot. I mean.

      Just one example: the main character (who got a *million dollar advance* for his first novel, which wasn’t even fully drafted when the contract was offered) and his cop buddy find evidence that someone who was ten years into a life sentence could not have committed the murder. That person was released immediately: no lengthy appeals process, no legal process at all really, just … this cop says he didn’t do it, and the judge just sort of says, ok, our bad, and lets him out.

      1. Angstrom*

        I was previewing a book set in an art museum, and on the first page there was a mention of “silicone gel” used as a dessicant. Stopped right there.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I remember watching the Rifftrax of Fear (an oldie based on Crime and Punishment) where the main character gets a thousand bucks* in under a month for a freelance article he sent to a magazine on spec. In like, 1933. Bridget was going “a thousand bucks?? Sign me up!” because that’s an amazing price even today, let alone in the middle of the Depression!

        *spoiler: to be 100% fair, the main character is dreaming this scenario. But it’s presented as completely realistic, if lucky, and not at all “HOW much again?”

    14. RussianInTexas*

      In Mentalist, during the last season, where they are allegedly in Texas, they had a few hilarious errors.
      Wrong street sign colors in Houston.
      A naval base near Houston.
      Lord of pedestrians in San Antonio.
      Snow capped mountains visible in GALVESTON.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        There was also a book, by a British writer, also set in Galveston, TX, and it was obvious the writer has never stepped foot there. Nor even investigated Google maps well. Glaring errors:
        1. the main character’s husband was a petroleum engineer and went to work to Texas City for 3 weeks a time, because it’s far. Texas City is literally across the causeway, it’s a 30 minutes commute.
        2. One of the characters is seeing the refineries of the Texas City and the ocean at the same time
        3. The main character heroically walked a mile in the upcoming storm surge that was 4ft deep.
        4. A category 4 hurricane hit Galveston straight on, rained itself out, turned around, and treked back in to the Gulf.
        I almost never leave reviews on books because the enjoyment of the books is so subjective, but this one made me mad enough, I left a review.

        1. bay scamp*

          I agree with the other ones, but I lived near Galveston for 5 years and visited it often during that time (late 90s), and on the island itself for a year and a half (2008-ish), and #2 is completely accurate. The refineries are very close to the island and on a clear day it’s very easy to see them as well as the ocean. Driving over the bridge to get to the island and looking at the refineries on the left, or leaving the island and looking at the refineries on the right, is one of my core memories from living there.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            A character lived on the beach, on the ocean side, so when he would go outside he would look at the ocean and the refineries at the same time which isn’t possible. I agree you can do it from the I-45 causeway, but not when you are literally on the beach.
            You can see both at the same time from the beach on the Bay side.

      2. Laggy Lu*

        As someone that has lived in the DC area for almost 25 years, I am going through this while currently watching The Irrational.

      3. The OG Sleepless*

        Now that so many things are filmed in Atlanta, I see this kind of thing all the time. Even “Baby Driver”, which was extremely on point for downtown Atlanta, has them going to Dunwoody via Buford Highway from Peachtree Center, which makes no sense at all. “Tag” made me laugh because it’s supposed to be in Tacoma, WA, but the trees make it obvious it’s in Atlanta. Stone Mountain coming into view in the background during the scene at the golf course was kind of a dead giveaway too.

    15. CityMouse*

      I’m a lawyer, and there are many, many things but objections during trial are the big one.

      1. MSD*

        And the speed that the trials take place. Within weeks of the arrest. Victims still have bruises.

    16. Angstrom*

      Flying scenes, where the airplane starts to dive or roll as soon as someone lets go of the controls. Most aircraft are inherently stable — if they’re trimmed for level flight, letting go of the controls for a short time isn’t a big deal.
      Explosions that always produce orange fireballs, no matter what is being exploded.
      Cars that crash always catching fire and exploding.
      Galloping horses for miles at a stretch.

      1. Time for Tea*

        Galloping horses that are also constantly neighing, horses grazing quietly that are also constantly neighing, horses being ridden constantly neighing, horses quietly hanging out in their stables constantly neighing.

      3. GoryDetails*

        Re “Galloping horses for miles at a stretch” – yeah, there’s a TV Tropes entry for “automaton horses” that’s entirely about that syndrome! I gave points to the film “The Searchers” because John Wayne’s character actually stopped to rest and feed his horse – even knowing how dire the situation was back home – because he knew that if he didn’t it would drop dead long before he could get back anyway.

      4. goddessoftransitory*

        Yes, the “car that was perfectly functional two minutes ago going up in a huge fireball” is a personal favorite. Apparently it’s a thing to carry open cans of gasoline in the backseat?

      5. Bethlam*

        Galloping horses that don’t have a speck of lather on them when they finally stop.

    17. PhyllisB*

      I read more than go to movies and I read a lot of things like that. The worst for me is when authors try to use Southern terminology and get it wrong. One that grates on me, the author refers to “Old Miss” University. Any Southerner worth her y’alls knows it’s OLE MISS. What makes it worse, this author is a Virginia native, you would think she would know better.
      And speaking of movie mistakes, most Southern accents in movies are atrocious.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Y’all is a plural. If the southerner is talking to a single person, they don’t call that person y’all.

        Pulls me out of the story every time.

        1. ZSD*

          Linguist here. There actually are some parts of the South where y’all is used for both singular and plural!

          1. Clisby*

            Like where? Native South Carolinian here, and if I heard someone use y’all as singular I’d assume they were from off, and trying to imitate a southern accent.

                1. fhqwhgads*

                  Large scale linguistic studies suggest otherwise? But if you say so.

                  FWIW even the “singular y’all” is …less singular than it sounds in a vacuum? It’s more like “y’all used when addressing a single human”, than “y’all means a single human”. Like, asking an employee of a business a question about the business. Sure, talking to one person, but the “y’all” implies “the business as a whole” not just the person being addressed. Similarly, using it when asking how someone is, talking to one person, but the subtext is “that single human plus their close family”.

      3. The OG Sleepless*

        Steel Magnolias always got on my nerves because even the Southern actresses didn’t have very good accents. Except Dolly Parton, who I think is incapable of talking like anybody but her sweet self.

    18. GoryDetails*

      There’s a basic-geography one in the movie “2012” (which is, admittedly, so ridiculous throughout that nit-picking about details seems fruitless – but it’s a film I love to hate, and will always watch when it comes around on cable again): the protagonist is taking his kids on a trip to Yellowstone Park – from Los Angeles, California, roughly a 12-to-14-hour drive depending on which end of the park and the city they’re traveling between. Driving with small children and only one driver suggest this should be a two-day trip with an overnight stop, and yet in-story it only seems to take a few hours – as does the frantic return-trip home. My family did a number of long-drive vacations, but my folks would trade off driving while the kids napped in the back, and even then they’d include overnight stops along the way. Does it have anything to do with the film’s story? No. Does it jar me Every. Single. Time? Yes.

    19. GoryDetails*

      A small but common thing in TV or films: people are in a vehicle driving somewhere, and the driver turns to look at a passenger for dangerously long periods of time while talking to them. Drives me mad every time – unless, as sometimes happens, the writers did this on purpose and give the hapless passengers a sudden car-crash due to the driver’s inattention! But the ones where they just keep cruising along without even glancing at the road just IRK me.

      1. Buggy Crispino*

        Oh this one gets me too – but when I see it I’m always expecting one of those jarring out of nowhere t-boning accidents. These make my stomach hurt.

      2. dreamofwinter*

        OMG, my husband does this in real life! It’s terrifying, and the number one reason that I do most of the driving when we’re together.

    20. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

      Fangirl, by Rainbow Rowell. She refers to the main character of the fictional novel within the novel as coming from Lancashire.

      Lancashire is…not a town. Simon (the character) would’ve named a specific place!

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        And the whole Simon Snow thing seemed really American. The talk of faculty on the staff, calling a teacher Coach, etc. I thought it was meant to be an American equivalent of Harry Potter at first.

        Oh! What really threw me out of Carry On was the talk of applying to uni, which…didn’t fit with the British system at all. Like…how hard is it to google “how to apply to Oxford” or whatever university you want your character to be applying to.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          Being Irish, even if I’d noticed that Lancashire wasn’t a town, that wouldn’t have struck me as odd, since it wouldn’t be unusual for people from small Irish towns to describe themselves as being “a Mayo man” or “a Donegal woman” or whatever the county was, but now that I think of it, English people don’t seem to identify by county to the extent we do.

          1. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

            Partially because there are two different kinds of county, they overlap, they get randomly broken up and reshuffled if the government of the day is feeling creative and they have no power at all…

            But yeah, the offending passage to me was something like “at the holidays, he just went back to Lancashire”, or the points where he’s described as an orphan from Lancashire. It was just…I don’t know. It didn’t fit.

      2. Lexi Vipond*

        Yorkshire folk are always quite keen to tell you they’re from Yorkshire, so I’m not sure I would have picked up on that as odd. (I’m not sure I know anyone who grew up in Lancashire, although I know a couple of people who went to Lancaster as students and stayed there.)

        1. Jill Swinburne*

          Haha, I was just about to say that wouldn’t at all be strange if the person was from Yorkshire!

      1. allathian*

        Or where people start to sweat when they’re feverish. Cold sweat maybe, but when your body temperature goes up, people generally feel like they’re freezing. I get the shakes and chattering teeth.

      2. Nightengale*

        there’s the treat high sugar with sugar variation. I loved Dr Quinn, but when they had a character with diabetes in crisis, they had this huge point of asking the kid for candy. candy is what you use to treat low blood sugar from insulin, which hadnt been discovered yet, Dr Quinn being set in the 1860s. . .

    22. Zephy*

      Basically any TV show or movie with a Big Scary Dog in it where the Big Scary Dog isn’t fully CGI. Those good puppers, if you know what you’re looking at, are So Happy to be Doing A Good Job. With the right editing and sound effects, and an audience that doesn’t know much about dogs, you can achieve the desired effect. For the people who *do* know about dogs, though, it’s like taking a step to the side of an optical illusion so you suddenly see how it works. Examples: Fright Night (1985), In the Mouth of Madness (1994).

      Honestly, this can extend to basically any live animal featured in film or TV, once you start paying attention to the editing. The trick is using lots of close-up shots and quick cuts back and forth between the animal(s) and the actor(s). Sound effects also do a TON of heavy lifting for suspending disbelief for animal-encounter scenes. I think it’s funny, but YMMV; once you learn how to break the kayfabe it can be hard not to.

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        That was famously an issue when they were filming Cujo; the dog playing Cujo kept wagging his tail!

      2. Jill Swinburne*

        I was reading a kid’s book with my child where the illustrator clearly didn’t know dog body language. There’s a scary dog on the street and two kids are chased by it, except…in the illustration the dog is quite clearly play bowing.

        On a similar note, when you learn that babies on sets are often transfixed by the boom mic it’s all you can see. Baby looking intently at something off screen? Boom, probably. (Except in Labyrinth; David Bowie used a hand puppet)

      3. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, like in The Omen: those big ol’ Rottweilers were supposed to be literal Hell Hounds and admittedly they’re big boys, but clearly just balls of well trained love.

        1. Patty Mayonnaise*

          I’m cracking up at this one – you are so right! I remember thinking, “They just want Satan to play ball with them, is that too much to ask?!”

        2. Zephy*

          In the Mouth of Madness features a pack of Dobermans running out of a Spooky Church that is obviously supposed to be Oh No Scary Dog Attack!!! and they are all, to a one, just thrilled to be Going FAST!!! and Doing A Good Job. The snarling and barking noises are so obviously dubbed in.

      4. Elizabeth West*

        The Fright Night wolf transformation dog is about as scary as a loaf of bread. I still love that movie like it’s my baby, though. I’ve seen it over a hundred times.

        During the pandemic, the surviving cast had a table read of the movie for a Democratic fundraiser and I forked over some bucks to watch them ham it up on Zoom. Worth every penny.

      5. Angstrom*

        I used to watch Schutzhund(protection dog competition)videos, and it was fun to see the big happy wags while they were dealing with the guy in the bite suit. “Thanks, dad! This is really fun!”

      6. Quinalla*

        Yes, this one gets my husband. He’ll be like, oh that dog is so happy right now as it is “attacking” someone. His Dad trained K9 dogs and he helped with some of it so he knows a lot of that stuff :)

    23. Seashell*

      I was reading a book recently where the time frame was vague, but a 1979 graduation was mentioned later, so a good chunk of the book took place some time before that. There were a few things that didn’t fit with that era, most memorably someone saying “That is whack”, which is a term that was not in use in the 70’s based on my experience. I even Googled it to make sure it was right on that, and I was.

    24. Mutually Supportive*

      Neither book nor film, but musical theatre – I went to see Joseph and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat recently. I’ve never seen it live before but have seen a few bits on the TV a long time ago so had a feeling of what to expect, and I know the music very well.

      Turns out that they revamped it a few years ago and changed the choreography and lots of other bits, presumably to make it cheaper to stage. It didn’t hit the mark for me at all and I’m sad that I’ll never get to see the original production.

      A few bits that were particularly jarring included
      – the narrator was suddenly grasping a mobile phone and took selfies, although the setting is meant to be in the time of the bible. Totally out of place.
      – 4 of the 11 brothers now cast as kids – wearing obviously fake black beards. Like, just cast the kids but let them be younger brothers!?
      – worse, one of the kids plays the role of Potifer, and the scene includes his wife doing sexual acts with Joseph (against his will) and Potifer obviously objecting. Felt totally inappropriate that a kid was cast in that role (and was also unnecessary in that family show anyway)
      – the narrator also played other roles, and at one point was having a conversation between narrator and the other role, distinguishing who she was speaking as by pulling a beard up and down. Urgh.

      For me, lots of it just didn’t work properly and I’m a bit sad about it all!

      1. remember the alamo*

        – the narrator was suddenly grasping a mobile phone and took selfies, although the setting is meant to be in the time of the bible. Totally out of place.

        technicolor is out of place too, shocking no?

        1. Mutually Supportive*

          The world existed in colour since the dawn on time…

          Technicolor refers to a bright coloured coat, not a film recording technology from modern times *facepalm*

          1. Bella Ridley*

            Considering that the Pharoah is Elvis, the film version has everyone gather for the Narrator to take a group photo, and the whole thing is based on a mishmash of fun musical styles I feel pretty sure Andrew Lloyd Webber did indeed intend to riff on Technicolor the production technology in the title.

      2. Rara Avis*

        I don’t think the phone would have bothered me because the show is such a mishmash of styles and anachronisms: there’s a cowboy song, a Caribbean song, etc.

    25. Hyaline*

      I didn’t study historical clothing for years for movies to try to pass off 1860s clothing as 1840s, dress their 1760s characters in a bunch of cotton, screw up the colors of British military uniforms, and default to “oh corsets, the tool of oppression, but I am LIBERATED and will not wear one” trope.

      Why yes, I am a lot of fun to watch historicals with, why do you ask?

        2. ecnaseener*

          Some, but it was expensive — and in Britain, imported cotton was actually banned because it was harming domestic markets.

        3. Hyaline*

          It was used, but it was a higher-end item, usually used for expensive block-print fabrics. You didn’t see the modern plain “cotton broadcloth” like we have in spades now (the stuff JoAnns was always stocked full of RIP).

      2. Rara Avis*

        Are you my kid? Whenever we watch something historical, they point that stuff out. Sometimes they say the background characters are right, and the main character very wrong.

        1. ecnaseener*

          Yeah, that happens a lot — background costumes are just rented from warehouses, but the main character costumes are designed for them… and then the producers weigh in on the designs and say “make her look prettier! make her look less weird!”

          1. Hyaline*

            It happens so often! I even know of a few movies that used reenactors for extras, and their costuming was impeccable (because reenactors lol) and then the main character is in the most head-scratch-inducing nonsense ever.

    26. Forensic13*

      A book again, but when historical mysteries are stupidly modern in mindset. Not when they’re too modern in their approach to various concepts of diversity, because I prefer fluffier historical mysteries and dang it, there have always been people of color and LGBTQIA people, and they did find some safe spaces sometimes.

      But when the characters seem outright ignorant to basic cultural facts and confused about very common social ills. I was reading a book where the MC was a new female private investigator (fine!) in the early 1900s. She’s looking into the disappearance of a maid and is SHOCKED that she started being a maid at fifteen. “Was that even legal?” she wonders.

      Her parents are LABOR ORGANIZERS. And the maid was fifteen!!! Not five. Wrenched me out of the story and threw a lot of other more minor annoyances into stark relief and I decided to give up on it. (Another example: the MC is a woman, has been quietly eluding to being a lesbian, and also hates and nastily judges almost every woman she meets. Delightful.)

      1. ecnaseener*

        Lolol “I know there are 5-year-olds working in the factory down the street but is it really legal to be a maid at 15???”

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          It would have been considered a great job, even the start of a career in service, for that girl! It amazes me how many people don’t get how recent labor and education laws really are.

          1. London Calling*

            It was very common for households that could only afford one maid to get a teenage girl from the local workhouse and set her to work skivvying.

    27. ecnaseener*

      Gosh, so many. A few that come to mind:

      – there’s a Nancy Drew computer game set in modern-day Salem, MA. It’s presented as a very small town, like “everybody knows everybody’s business” small. Real Salem has a population of about 45k. Not sure if the writers didn’t check the population size, or if they did check but they’re all big-city people with no frame of reference for the difference between 5k and 50k.

      – a story where the (American) writer didn’t want to put an actual number to a huge amount of money so just said “more than enough to pay for university.” Would work well for an American character, but this one was a British character… and set in a time period where there were no tuition fees in the UK at all.

      – Ten million historical costuming things, but one of the most memorable is in Pirates of the Caribbean where Elizabeth’s stays are laced so tightly she can’t breathe. Only a hundred-plus years too early!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Oh, Nancy Drew! Evan as a kid, reading the original books from the sixties and “getting” the base setup, they bugged me. Especially The Case of the Scarlet Slippers, which had ballet as the setup for the mystery, and Nancy is shown dancing expertly–like, would be a soloist expertly, at one point.

        Even at eleven or so I knew professional dancers basically do nothing but train and attend class, and that level of skill is not something even an “athletic, auburn haired sleuth” can simply “do.”

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I got very tired of Nancy after I realized she kept getting hit on the head and kidnapped but never managed to keep herself from subsequently getting hit on the head and kidnapped. Maybe all those concussions affected her great detective brain.

          Not to mention how racist they are. The villain’s Black servant in The Hidden Staircase, woof.

        2. Clisby*

          I don’t remember that one, but there was another one where she impersonated a circus bareback rider (the ones who ride standing up on the horse).

    28. Elizabeth West*

      There was one quick shot in Nosferatu that made me twitch a little bit. It’s a view of the street from above with a lot of people moving under a panoply of black umbrellas.

      I’m not sure how many people would have had umbrellas in 1838 — the number of them seemed a bit excessive. However, by the time I saw it, my brain was already madly in love with the cinematography and the (mostly) accurate costumes and in a split second, I decided that it was such a gorgeous image I didn’t really care. :)

      (I don’t really have any notes for this movie. I absolutely adored it and immediately bought the score and the DVD as soon as they were available. It should have won the Oscar for cinematography, but I guess being nominated for four was pretty good even though it didn’t win anything.)

      1. Busy Middle Manager*

        We saw Nosferatu in the theater, and I kid you not, people were giggling by the end. I think they crammed 80% of the horror movie cliches out into one movie. It felt excessive, and some people left early. And they did not look like puritans in the least.

        But to the question, didn’t his horse just go missing when he stayed at that village overnight (or was it at the castle), and he was just like “meh” and kept on like nothing happened?

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I’m sorry you didn’t like it; I found it very atmospheric and absorbing. I thought I hadn’t seen any of Robert Eggers’ stuff, but then I remembered I’d seen The Witch and really liked that too.

          There were no Puritans (1600s) in the movie. It was set in the mid-1800s in Germany. Nosferatu (1922) was an unauthorized adaptation of Dracula — the original filmmakers were sued by Bram Stoker’s widow. They were supposed to destroy all copies, but obviously someone kept a few. The current version is a remake.

          As for the horse, it did disappear. Thomas had no choice but to keep going because he had to do his job. He was on the road to the castle when the ghostly carriage picked him up. When he left the convent where the nuns were taking care of him after he escaped from Orlok’s castle, he took their horse and rode it back to Wisborg.

      2. allathian*

        The umbrella as we know it was invented in France in the early 16th century. Versions of similar objects to protect people from the sun and rain were used in both China and ancient Egypt around 3500 BC.

        Impossible to say how common they were in the 1830s, though.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I knew it had been invented earlier; it was just peculiar to see so many people in one shot all carrying black umbrellas. You would expect in 1830s Germany to have some people just walking along without them. It looked really cool, though.

    29. High five*

      I understand that characters always wear shoes unless they NEED to be barefoot for plot reasons, even if realistically the characters wouldn’t have shoes on. Costume design, or whatever. HOWEVER.

      In the Haunting of Hill House, there’s a flashback scene where the mother is comforting her daughter on the couch. The mother is wearing a loose dress (robe?nightgown?) and wedge heels. Fine. But through more flashbacks we learn that the mother GOT OUT OF BED to go tend to her daughter. Who puts on wedge heels in the middle of the night to walk around their own house?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I could see if they were mules or slip ons, like fancy slippers, but yeah, why on earth would you put on wedge heels as slippers?

      2. allathian*

        Another pet peeve of mine is women going to bed in impeccable makeup, or even worse, waking up looking impeccably made up, even if their hair may be a bit messy.

    30. Busy Middle Manager*

      If you watch the Golden Girl in reruns a few times (I watch it in the background), you notice more and more errors.

      These moments are more “trip you up for a second” rather than completely derail you (as per your question. Nevertheless:

      one that always bothers me is delayed laughs at jokes or fake looking laughs. There are a few clips where I’m like “come on, you’re professionals!” There is one scene I remember verbatim where Dorothy goes “women like me don’t grow on trees” Sophia says “too bad we could use the shade” and Betty White/Rose just sit there, until Sophia prods her with her elbow and then Rose does a fake looking laugh

      The consistent people leaving and saying “I’ll send for my things.” Angela comes to the USA and just decides to stay, I guess someone in Sicily cleans out her hour and finds a new home for the donkey? Cousin Sven comes and leaves and says he’ll send for his luggage. Mary comes and leaves and says she’ll come back for her stuff. Why not just get it right there?

      They were the day care while the parents did a walkathon/marathon and a baby got left overnight and they thought it was abandoned. Turns out, the mom had triplets that very day, so they got distracted. Not completely unbelievable, but the idea that someone would go run a marathon and leave their baby with a stranger, while their wife was about to give birth, seems a bit ridiculous

      Then there are the exaggerations that are just nonsensical. When Rose was a kid, she didn’t just play tuba, she practiced seven days a week for three hours a day, yet it only came up once in the show, and didn’t prevent her from living through a thousand and one other adventures. When you add up all of these stories, it doesn’t seem like it fits into one person’s life

      And the catering business from their kitchen. They were going to cook 300 chickens in one stove? The day before? And store them where? Made zero sense. Same with the sandwich business. Why not have them doing something believable like homemade pasta or baked goods

      They threw in very random characters that made no sense, just for a story line. For example, in one and only one episode, they have a gardener, an older Japanese man who barely speaks English, which doesn’t make much sense for Miami.

      Also things happening in Miami for zero reason, such and Phil’s funeral, even though his friends/family are all in NJ

      Not to mention the house layout not making sense (and it being unlikely that a four bedroom hour would have four en suite bathrooms) or little things, like how four ‘older’ women consistently open the door without asking who’s there, even in the middle of the night.

      I could go on and on

    31. Plaidless*

      I have many years of experience in fire protection, including standard sprinklers, clean agent, and hybrid systems. I can’t think of a single show or movie that demonstrates the correct way any of them work.

      It’s a dated reference, but the one that stands out to me the most is the remake of The Thomas Crown Affair with Pierce Brosnan. No fine art museum uses a water system and just covers the paintings with a janky metal shade, that’s insane. (I know that drove a major plot point, but I don’t care, it’s sloppy AF.) Museums have been using gas/clean agent systems for decades.

      Also, you can’t just smash the sprinkler head or hold a lighter up to the bulb and get the entire building to go off. In most systems, each bulb is calibrated to break at a specific temperature range (there’s a standard color code system, so you can tell what that is at a glance) which allows the flow to start.

    32. Bee*

      Any sci-fi “aliens are about to destroy the world” movie that shows clips from around the world at the peak moment of peril – Eiffel tower, Big Ben, Egyptian pyramids, Golden Gate Bridge, Statue of Liberty, Great Wall of China, etc – and they are ALL in broad daylight! Apparently the aliens brought sun-sized floodlights with them?

      1. Mutually Supportive*

        This has never bothered me before but now it will so, erm…. thanks!? :D

    33. Anon for this*

      Anytime a school or friend group in a fictional universe includes just one US military brat. Military kids almost always live on or near military bases, since that’s where their parents work. Military bases tend to be the center of any town they’re in, or at least a very significant employer. Every school I attended growing up was either entirely military brats (US schools in Germany) or at least 50% military brats. The one I’m remembering is A. C. Slater from Saved by the Bell, a show admittedly not known for its realism, who was the only army brat in the school–which would be really odd unless you’re living with your grandparents or something.

      Occasionally shows and books don’t even understand that military families move a lot, and that it’s constant–you’re not generally going to live somewhere for 8 years and then suddenly get transferred, it’s almost always a move every 2-4 years, consistently.

      1. Texan in Exile*

        On that note – when I read The Great Santini – the opening scene where they are up before dawn to move to the dad’s new base, I was shocked. I was shocked because it was the very first time I had seen my life (as an air force brat) represented in art. I thought it was just my dad who got us up before dawn to drive to the new base, but nope.

        I felt the same way with Major Dad – I had never seen anyone on TV living on base. I had never seen anyone on TV who had my life.

    34. WoodswomanWrites*

      As a naturalist who has traveled throughout the western US, I frequently recognize ecosystems in outdoor shots. My friend who was a rafting guide and I went to see the movie “The River Wild” years ago when it was showing in theaters.

      It was so obvious that the river scenes weren’t filmed in the same locations. They were in Oregon, then Montana, and back and forth all on the same river.

      The plot was ridiculous. One character runs along a canyon next to the river and somehow gets ahead of the rafting group. Like there would be a trail he could follow in that wilderness, and no obstacles, and somehow he can run faster than the speed of the flowing river. Um, no.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I know Bridgerton should be taken with at least a whole pig’s worth of salt, but the whole stays/corset against the skin without a chemise or shift underneath really annoys me.

        Other costume dramas do this as well.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I hate when there is obviously modern hair and makeup with period fashion. The 1960s Hammer horror films were especially guilty of this — you’d see women in Regency or Victorian-ish gowns but with big old ’60s bouffant hairdos.

    35. Percy Weasley*

      In the series The Tudors, which got a lot of things wrong, in a scene where a priest is being tortured, he’s reciting the 23rd Psalm from the King James version of the Bible. Which hadn’t been commissioned yet! I’m not a historian or religious yet spotted the error immediately & couldn’t watch any more.

    36. Carlottamousse*

      Suits! I watched the first episode over a decade ago (oO), and I could not watch any more of it. So much was wrong about the legal situations just in the first episode, that I could not take it. Just no. It was too much.

    37. The Pet from the Resume*

      NCIS and their absolute misunderstanding of jurisdiction. The vast majority of the cases they handle would not be in their jurisdiction thus not their responsibility to solve.

      A naval reservist killed (in a car accident)? A naval contractor killed off base. A crime completely unrelated to the navy but an NCIS agent randomly witnesses. Even two navy sailors fighting/killing each other off base is the jurisdiction of the local police. They really mostly focus on crime on a military base.

    38. Seal*

      The Butterball hotline episode of The West Wing. After arguing with Toby about whether or not the stuffing should be cooked in the turkey (definitely not!), the President calls the Butterball hotline to get an “expert’s opinion”. Not wanting said expert to know she’s talking to the President of the United States, Bartlet makes up an alias on the fly and claims to be from Fargo, ND; Toby helpfully calls an assistant to get the zip code for Fargo. The whole thing is hilarious, but after a family member moved to Fargo, I found out that the zip code they use in the episode is wrong! Since then, whenever I rewatch that scene or episode I feel compelled to yell loudly “wrong zip code!!!”

      Seriously, the writers made a point of having Toby asking for the zip code for Fargo but didn’t do so themselves?!

  10. Neighborly*

    How do you start getting to know your neighbors better, after several years of keeping to yourself?

    My husband and I bought our house several months before the pandemic shutdown. We did get to know who lived on either side of us and across the street, but didn’t socialize much due to a combo of moving, getting our old place ready for sale, and actively helping three aging parents, all of whom suddenly developed issues and all of whom lived in separate areas about a half hour away from us on good traffic days. Oh, and working full-time, taking care of our pets, and sometimes even getting to sleep before midnight, heh.

    Then came the shutdown, so of necessity, any more typical welcome overtures on either side (housewarming, hanging out in general) fell to the wayside.

    Post-pandemic-shutdown, two of the aging parents died. All of our major appliances decided to crap out at once, so that was a fun time getting them replaced. The remaining parent began showing signs of cognitive issues. Worries increased. The time finally came to move the parent to a progressive assisted living facility, sell their car, their house, etcetera. Still have pets, still working full time, still not getting enough sleep.

    We’ve still never had a housewarming.

    The whole point of this spiel is I feel like we don’t have time to just – be neighborly. Walk across the lawn, say “Yoo hoo!” and stop in for a visit, things like that.

    I sincerely feel that we should, especially in these coming days with guiding wisdom saying to find & bolster your own little community.

    But after all this time – like, several years – we’re still mostly only on a wave-when-we-see-you basis. I just don’t know how to get started. Help!

    1. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Could you see if your neighbours on either side would be interested in co-hosting a street party/BBQ? (Or in someone’s backyard, if your actual street is too busy, although that tends to feel more personal…) our street has done this for a couple of years and it was great for getting to know our neighbours a little more.

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        To add a bit of detail: they did hot dogs and buns, chips, fruit and veggie trays, and a big corn boil – nothing too fancy, but everyone else brought snacks and desserts.

          1. JR17*

            If you need an excuse, time it to National Neighbors Night Out. Our small city has a set of programs to encourage participation, maybe yiurs does too? Or find a ramdim excuse – Kentucky Derby, first day of spring, St Patrick’s Day, whatever.

      2. Sloanicota*

        Well, I think all you can do is open a door, and if they choose to walk through it, wonderful! But just as you were too caught up to be an involved neighbor to them until now, many of them may be equally caught up in their own dramas. I think the easiest thing would be to invite a group over to a very low-key (perhaps backyard) socializing where you can be hospitable to them? Are you already on Next Door or anything like that?

        1. Neighborly*

          I am on Next Door, but I haven’t seen them on it at all. But yes – a low-key, come-hang-in-our-yard thing once it warms up some could be really good. Thanks!

      3. Chauncy Gardener*

        I second this idea. And just say that Covid and parental unit responsibilities prevented you from doing this sooner and you’d love to get to know everyone a bit better! I bet 99% of your neighbors have the same issues btw.
        And I love the idea of seeing if your next door neighbor will cohost with you and you can have it all in your joined front or back yards.
        Good luck!!

    2. Not That Jane*

      I swear by plates of homemade baked goods. It has worked for us in two of our last three places (the outlier was because our neighbors mostly turned out to be involved in various drama that made them difficult to get to know). Homemade cookies for the holidays or for a random Tuesday has led to an ongoing neighborly text chain of “hey I left out some lemons from our tree if anyone wants” and “did you all also get this letter from the power company” type stuff. :)

    3. Mutually Supportive*

      I think that when you wave, you can also walk over and say “hi, I’ve realised that after all this time we don’t know each others names… I’m Bob” and see where it goes from there.

      Probably only if the houses are quite close though – don’t want that awkward “uh oh, they’re walking towards me” bit to last for too long!

      2. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Yep, going for walks and stopping to say hi and introduce yourselves is a good starting point. You don’t have to chat every time you walk past in future but waving and saying, “Hi, Bob!” and maybe reintroducing with pointing and a quick “Neighborly and Neighborly 1 here” so they don’t have to remember your names unassisted builds familiarity. Then an invitation to a block party or whatever isn’t from a stranger.

    4. Two cents*

      Throw a neighborhood party at your house! Like a housewarming party, just not called that. Make and deliver some invites, get some drinks and snacks and then see who comes over. I think we tend to over think this kind of stuff–would you have any negative feelings about getting this kind of invite from your neighbor? I’d be pleased! You don’t need to justify it or have a good enough reason or anything. “I want to celebrate and socialize” is always reason enough.

      1. Frieda*

        In my region this would be an open house. It could be for a specific reason or no reason at all. I’d invite friends too, not just neighbors, to get all my hosting done at once but that’s just me!

    5. LivesinaShoe*

      I had been thinking about it for a while but after the election I got serious about making some local community. I decided to have an open house once a month where I make two pots of soup and some bread. I put invitations under the mats of the neighbors that I had had any contact with, and ask them to bring their own bowl and spoon.

      It has happened twice, different groups with some core members each time, and I think I’m going to keep doing it. It has all of the good and bad things about real community – people I really like and get along with, people I find more difficult. But if we have an earthquake I know people’s names.

      I did have to get over my anxiety about not having a perfect house – my house is sort of in process and I am ignoring my yard because I’m working on other things but no one else was doing this so they can sit in their perfect houses by themselves. I’m going to keep doing it until it really takes off or collapses. Also, I like to make soup.

      1. Texan in Exile*

        “I did have to get over my anxiety about not having a perfect house”

        We were supposed to meet some new friends at a bar, but then their kids, etc, etc. So they suggested that we meet at their house, saying, “I’m going to pretend like we’re life long friends and you’ll excuse the mess since I have to go now to violin and haven’t been able to tidy.”

        Honestly, I was honored that someone wanted to spend time with me enough that she would let me see a not-perfect house.

    6. Hyaline*

      I think in some ways you can use the “hey this might seem weird because we’ve been here forever BUT” as an ice breaker/opener! “Things were so bonkers when we first moved in that we never got a chance to get to know our neighbors” actually makes total sense to me in These Times.

      I think the key is that it doesn’t have to be a Whole Production. A few ideas:
      1) Start a regular thing where it’s easy to add people but it’s also cool if it’s just you–like Soup Sunday where you have a big pot of soup every Sunday dinner and so it’s easy to say to a neighbor “Hey, want to come over for supper Sunday? We’re having soup” or that you cook out and it’s easy to throw another burger on the grill or whatever.
      2) Try to sit on your front porch or in a seating area in your front lawn. So much of our outdoor life has moved to the BACK yard that it’s kinda isolating–but if you’re in the front, you can wave to people, start up a conversation, generally get to know folks.
      3) Find ways to make your ordinary routine/life more social–like invite people to go to the farmers market with you, or see if they want to come over to watch the game, or even join in your evening walk. It’s low stakes and low planning and you’re going to do it anyway, so do it with other people.
      4) Sounds weird, but ask for help. There are studies on this that I don’t wanna look up right now lol, but people build connection faster when they ask and offer help. “I could use another hand with the ladder putting up my bat house” or “if you have a free minute this afternoon, could you tell me what you think about where I’ve set up these planters?” or “We’re going to be out of town this week, would you mind getting our mail?” Obviously not like “help me paint my house” but low key, easy to say no to, but also easy to jump in on stuff. And then you have the follow up of taking them some banana bread or a bottle of wine as a thank-you for getting your mail for you.

      1. WestsideStory*

        On lines of this, do any of them have landscaping that looks like they are very into gardening? Maybe you could leave a note to say that you are finally thinking of finishing your front yard or changing foundation plantings and ask them for advice on what to plant?

        Gardeners tend to be friendly types and the older they are the more they enjoy giving advice.

    7. Tulip*

      I second the block party idea. We were able to get our block closed to traffic and rented traffic barriers, then people who had them wheeled out grills, everyone brought their own main to grill, and most brought a side to share. Everyone hauled out chairs and we played a few yard games. It was a fun time. One family in the neighborhood kind of organized (asked around for a good date, printed a little invite that the kids delivered).

      If people have yard sales where you live, you could also ask neighbors if they would want to do a neighborhood yard sale day. Then people are out in their front yards and it makes for easy/natural socializing.

    8. Frango Mint*

      You mentioned pets—-do you have a dog? During the pandemic that’s how I connected with neighbors I hadn’t met. If you don’t, maybe a stroll in your neighborhood when folks are out walking their own dogs. Much easier to connect, and have something to remark about.

    9. SoloKid*

      Coming in late but you can wave them down on the street and say “In case of any emergencies while we are away, I’d like to have someone very local to call – do you mind if we swap numbers?”

  11. HannahS*

    Talking about gender with young children!

    I have a three year-old who is starting to ask questions about gender. (As an example, last night she asked “Mommy, are you a man?” and when I said that I am a woman, she asked me, “Why are you a woman?” and, “Is Daddy a man?”) My husband and I were raised with “biological sex = gender” frameworks and came to understand the intersection(s) and divergence(s) of sex and gender identity when we were older. We’d like our daughter to have an understanding of gender diversity from the start, but I’m scratching my head on what to actually say in answer to her questions. What are other folks doing with their kids? Any good books to recommend?

    A few requests:
    1. This is not an argument. If you have strong negative feelings in response to this question, please pass this conversation by.

    2. I’m really asking a question about how to talk to toddlers, who have the attention span of squirrels and very little capacity for abstract thought. I’d be grateful if you could answer with that in mind.

    1. Double A*

      I just answer the simple truth and use qualifying statements without a ton of detail. So to answer “Are you a woman?” you can just say yes, and when she asks why you can say because you have X parts and you feel like a woman. This is a fine understanding for a 3 year old. Eventually she’ll start asking things like “Do women have vaginas?” and you can answer, “Most of them.” She doesn’t need details now, but it lays groundwork for more detailed answers.

      My 6 year old is in a big “Is this a girl or a boy?” phases, like she asks for every song that comes on. And she’ll sometimes ask that about people who are more androgynous or gender-nonconforming and that opens up another conversation. So sometimes I explain things like, “When they were little people thought they were a girl, but when they grew up they could tell people they were actually a boy.”

      A book my kid has liked for a long time is called “Bodies are Cool” by Tyler Federal that represents a huge range of bodies including trans and disabled people. As she’s gotten older it’s opened up tons of great conversations.

      1. Double A*

        Sorry, that should be Tyler Feder. Please don’t put letters in my mouth autocorrect!!

      2. Emma*

        Bodies are cool is great! My kid hasn’t had many comments about gender with it, other than observing that sometimes girls have hairy legs. But it’s been great for showing different types of bodies. It’s also been a favorite for a long time for us too. It would be easily accessible to a toddler.

        1. Double A*

          Yes I think we got that book first when my daughter was about 2 or 3! She liked it then and she still likes it. Recently she has been very interested in disability so that book has opened up a lot of questions about that and why different people’s bodies might look or work different.

          Even though it’s not specifically about gender expression, the reason I thought of it in this context is that it lays a foundation for understanding human diversity. When “all bodies are different and all bodies are good” is a first principal, a lot of conversations about different expressions of gender flow naturally from that, and you can start laying that foundation with a 3 year old.

    2. Emma*

      I think I said something like “I have a vagina, and I’m a girl, and daddy has a penis like you and he’s a boy, but sometimes someone might have a vagina, but still feel like a boy. And sometimes people don’t feel like girls or boys.”

      And then I think I answered questions that they had, which were probably minimal. And I’ve basically just reiterated it as it’s come up.

      With kids and stuff like this, it seems like they learn bit by both. I mostly try to avoid long explanations, unless they have lots of questions. I try to be matter of fact about it.

      And as they’ve gotten older (maybe 5+?), sometimes when I talk about a topic like being gay, I’ll say something like “some people don’t believe that two girls should get married, but that’s not right.” (see also similar comments about race)

      2. Emma*

        Oh, and as my kid has gotten older, sometimes they’ll say something like “girls wear skirts”, and I’ll say something like “mostly girls wear skirts, but sometimes boys do too. and not all girls like skirts.”

        1. Emma*

          Or I’ll say something to the effect that everyone gets to choose what they like to wear.

      3. Buni*

        Along with all the information you *can* give, never be afraid to go ‘Huh, don’t know’. Follow this with good practice like ‘Shall we find out / where do you think we could find out / do you want to find out?’ (half the time small kids just aren’t that bothered and will wander off anyway), but I make a point to always model ‘it’s fine to not know stuff, here’s what you can do next’.

    3. RagingADHD*

      As a general rule with little bitties, answer the questions they ask. Very literally, and on the same level of complexity. When they are ready for nuance, they will ask nuanced questions.

      So for right now, if you are a woman and Daddy is a man, that’s all you need to say.

      She is going to continue asking questions about people you see out and about, or people you know, and you can normalize gender diversity by making it not a big deal to say things like “I don’t know,” or “Alex told me they are nonbinary, that means they go by “they” instead of he or she.”

      If you are matter of fact and ordinary about it, it will be ordinary to her.

    4. Pocket Mouse*

      The ‘First Conversations’ book series for kids is pretty great – there’s one on gender (Being You) and one on relationships (Together). These and other books written or illustrated by Anne/Andy Passchier would probably be a good place to start.

      You can also model what you now know: that you can’t tell a person’s gender by looking at them or by what they’re wearing, because gender is someone’s sense of themselves and there’s a wide variety in that. You can be open with her that that *you* don’t know your kid’s gender – it takes time for a person to figure it out for themselves, she knows herself best, and as she gets to know herself better she’ll be able to express that to you. Probably you’re doing fine! Already way better than the generation before! Please update us. :)

      (When the time comes, What Makes a Baby is a non-gendered explanation of how babies come into existence.)

      1. Rekha3.14*

        What makes a Baby was actually a great starting point! we got the book at our first kids baby shower and we’ve read it through two kids, now 5 and 10, and they both know that not all bodies have a uterus and not all people who feel like women make eggs. By sticking to the basics, it allowed us to expand as needed and reference back. “hey, you know how the baby book says take a sperm from one body? because not all of those bodies will look like daddy and be men” etc. Also, I work in fertility (and genetics) and they know about body parts and all that really early. A bit off topic re gender discussion but it’s all connected.

        I think the fact that you’re wanting to do the right thing as parents and talk about is the best part. Continue to be open and learn together – you’ve got this!

    5. Banana Pyjamas*

      These are great answers. I want to expand on Pocket Mouse’s response. My daughter’s a bit older, and sometimes will ask about her gender after asking about other people. Usually she asks if she’s a girl, so we either ask if she feels like a girl or if she wants to be a girl. We also take that opportunity to let her know it’s okay if she doesn’t, and she can tell us.

      I have a non-binary sibling so the topic comes up usually when we’ve chatted with them or they came up in conversation.

    6. Jill Swinburne*

      In all honesty, at that age the answer is ‘yes’ (assuming that to be the case) and ‘because I was born a girl’.

      I find it’s way easier to deal with these things as they come, because you can give age-appropriate specific answers rather than inadvertently loading them with information. A nice book is Perfectly Norman, which I discovered when I took my then-4?yo to a drag story time, and it’s about being who you are.

      Otherwise, I let things come up organically and they might not for a while. “Mummy, can girls marry girls and boys marry boys?” “Yup.” On the Great Pottery Throwdown the kiln technician, Rose, is trans and so when my 7yo daughter observed that Rose “has a man’s voice” that was a good opportunity to explain about gender identity and people who feel like their body doesn’t match their boy/girlness in a very basic way.

      1. Pocket Mouse*

        Kudos for taking your kid to drag story hour, but I think the rest could use some improvement! When kids ask questions, it does them a greater service to answer the question *and* give a small explanation they didn’t or couldn’t directly ask for. (For example, “that’s a fan” vs. “that’s a fan, it spins and moves air around the room to cool us down”.) In that vein, “because I was born a girl” seems to me more likely to be taken as “because I was born with a vulva” than “because this is who I’ve felt myself to be my whole life” unless you actually say the latter to let them know that’s what gender is. People start developing gender awareness around age 2, so gender identity must come sometime after that. Babies literally do not have a gender identity! When an older toddler (age 3-4) asked me whether my newly-toddling kid was a boy or a girl, I said “We don’t know yet.” Because that’s true, but my response also gave the kid what I assume was new information to them: that it was possible not to know whether a small child was a boy or a girl. (The kid said “Oh” and ran off to play. Kids can handle this kind of response.)

        All this to say… age 7 seems pretty late to me, if you have a mind to develop a kid’s awareness of trans identities in today’s world. There must have been dozens if not hundreds of perfectly good openings to both introduce the concept prior to then and model your openness to whatever gender your kid turns out to be. That said – as I wrote to HannahS in my comment above – far better than the previous generation!

        1. Jill Swinburne*

          Oh, I mean those were only two instances in the last seven years! Obviously we’ve had many other conversations (‘of course all colours are for everyone’ ‘long hair is for anyone who wants it, so is short hair’, ‘anyone can wear a dress’ etc), but I’ve also never wanted to overload with information that wasn’t asked for. I’m not worried about her growing up with an understanding of gender identity and accepting others – my mother is the one I’ve put my effort into educating!

          In saying that, the guy who pierced her ears recently had long lustrous curls and she gazed at him, wide-eyed, and asked ‘are you a girl or a boy?’ (I left that one to him to answer, lol) so worth keeping that dialogue going.

          I do see where you’re coming from though – I like to think I’ve done better than my very hurriedly-written response above might suggest! I’d take her to another drag storytime but, alas, the group that used to do them no longer does. I’m sure you can guess why :-(

    7. the Viking Diva*

      My niblings’ questions at that age were not so much about body parts but about external gender expression. It helped to talk about how girls could have short hair and boys could have long hair; how anyone could wear athletic clothes to play sports, or shirts with sparkles or pink shoes when they felt fancy. And that both men and women could be firefighters or teachers or park rangers.

    8. CityMouse*

      I have a young kid and a trans family member and there’s some extent where I don’t want to impose a narrative or lesson on my family member (who my kid absolutely adores) because that also feels wrong? I am of course taking cues from my family member.

      Young kids also will ask uncomfortable and prying questions, that’s just what they do.

      So to some extent the whole general message of “people are all different, respect people for who they are” and teaching generally that there’s no rules for being a boy or girl has been my approach.

      There are a couple books you could look at, like Julian is a Mermaid or My Shadow is Purple.

    9. Forensic13*

      In addition to everyone’s suggestions, my daughter is four and I’ve found she’s also often okay with the beginning of an answer to a complicated question and then explaining that it’s something that really is difficult to explain right now, but that I will keep telling her more as she gets older. As long as she thinks I’m treating her questions seriously, she’s usually okay.

    10. Hotdog not dog*

      My 3-at-the-time nephew once explained it to me as, “Uncle Bob is a man, ’cause he went to the men’s room. You’re a lady ’cause you went to the ladies room. I’m a kid, ’cause I went to the family room.” (referring to the unisex bathroom at the restaurant our extended family was visiting). To him, it was determined by which restroom a person chose.

    11. Nightengale*

      In addition to the other advice here which is great, one thought as a developmental specialist who does some talking to kids and families about gender

      don’t be surprised if you talk about stuff and then in a year or so kid seems to go through a gender essentialist phase like “only boys have long hair.” It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, it’s just how kids brains learn to sort and categorize. Similar to how toddlers will learn dog and horse and cow and then suddenly start calling all quadrupeds “doggie”

    12. Hola Playa*

      Engender Love has some great resources for talking to kids of all ages about gender.

    13. Bulu Babi*

      A couple of great picture books we read at that age:
      – “Jack, not Jackie”, about a girl coming to terms with her younger sibling being trans, in a sweet and funny way.
      – A book by Sophie Labelle called Rachel’s Christmas Boat, or so. But it’s not Rachel, I forget the name. A girl’s dad comes out as trans shortly before Christmas, and the girl goes in a mission to make sure that all her dad’s presents have her new name. She might or not find Santa in the process.

    14. Hyaline*

      Also–never underestimate the value of turning this back around to the kiddo and asking “why do you think that is?” or “what do you think about that?” to kind of see where she is and what question she’s really asking. There’s the age old joke about the kid asking where he came from and the parent going into a long, sensitive, over-involved explanation of The Talk and the kid responding with “Weird, because Benji says his family is from Detroit.” So make sure you’re answering the question they’re actually asking, and letting them tell you what they think is a good place to start.

  12. RLC*

    Grendel and Stella are an utterly adorable pair! Love the closeup detail of Grendel’s face markings too. What sweetiepies.

  13. Victoria, Please*

    My husband has decided that NOW is the perfect time to embark on a bathroom renovation plus some work in the kitchen. He has a contractor he likes. It’s his bathroom. The kitchen is truly minor, unless there is scope creep which of course is very possible.

    What advice do you have for making this a non-marriage-ending adventure?

    1. Old Plant Woman*

      Do the kitchen first so he’s impatient to get to the bath. Be as flexible as you can in the kitchen, but make it extremely clear that of they do anything at all without your approval he’ll be eating Purina casserole for the rest of his life. Even if you don’t cook. As for his bathroom, do you care what he does as long as it stays in budget? Do you even need to look at it?

    2. Brevity*

      Stop caring.

      Seriously, why are you going into this with the assumption that he will necessarily screw everything up? Let him redo his own bathroom in peace.

      1. Victoria, Please*

        I don’t care about his bathroom, but he wants my company for every excursion and my input on every decision.

        1. heckofabecca*

          Ahhh, sounds like the renovation itself isn’t so much the issue as the mismatched interest/commitment levels and communication.

          In this case, I’d recommend having a sit-down chat where you express your love and moral support for him doing something he wants to do while also setting your own boundaries. For example, :

          “It’s awesome how excited you are about this! I want to support you, but I also need to pace myself so I don’t burn out. I know renovations can be really big projects, and I want to be excited for you the whole time! Taking part in every trip and decision is starting to wear me out, and I don’t want to be frustrated or resentful because of something that’s supposed to be fun.

          “Here’s what I can do: I can join you for [some number] of errands ever [time period, i.e. week, month etc]. And/or I can help provide input on [these specific things]. If you’re not sure if something falls under that umbrella, just ask, and I will let you know if it’s something I can help with. I trust you, I trust your judgment, and I am excited to be a cheering bystander while you make this project happen.”

          Then see how he responds and hold firm to what you’ve said you can do as calmly and kindly as possible until he unlearns his reliance.

          Good luck!

          1. Sloanicota*

            Yeah hmm, can you encourage him to engage with a friend who is more interested in the ins and outs of reno with you? If it was me, I’d be willing to engage on picking all the surfaces (if invited) but not enthusiastic about the endless trips to the hardware store and the more technical aspects because I don’t have that know-how. He could use a hardware store loving buddy.

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            This is probably a more constructive solution than repeating “I don’t care, it’s your bathroom” ad nauseam. Which is what I would do, if my husband had a head injury and suddenly cared about what his bathroom looks like. But I also literally haven’t set foot in his bathroom but maybe once a year, I have mine and he has his and rarely the twain shall meet.

            1. Victoria, Please*

              Your comment made me laugh for which I thank you! I am extremely grateful that we have separate bathrooms.

        2. fallingleavesofnovember*

          Maybe you can set a threshold for how many reno shopping outings you’ll go on in one week/weekend? And/or schedule a set time to talk about renos so he can ask the questions he wants to ask you in a time when you are in the right mindset for them? (May also make him prioritize what he needs to ask you.)
          My husband loves fixing up stuff around the house and prefers to do as much as he can on his own – it’s gone much better since I accepted I don’t enjoy it and so have stopped trying to help (this is with the actual work more than the decision-making though).

        3. goddessoftransitory*

          Aha. So the problem isn’t the renovation, it’s having to provide a constant audience.

      2. Bulu Babi*

        If it’s in the budget and the main issue is that you don’t want to be his consultant… Can you find him a cool interior designer in your area, and then let them talk?

    3. Victoria, Please*

      So it turns out that doing all the shopping at one place with a reputation for great customer service helps a lot. Plus, to my relief, husband had done a great deal of homework ahead of time and did not endlessly dither as I had feared. We made one surprise purchase, but it was in line with what we’d talked about. Finally, not gonna lie, probably the biggest help was that we did not need to go bargain-hunting. We have a plan to consult the contractor on a remaining item.

      We still spent four solid hours today in a showroom, with an hour drive on each end. I’m really tired now! I told him it’s his responsibility to resolve his choices for tile by the deadline and that I am not available on weekdays for hunting. So I think we have some clarity, which makes things much calmer.

    1. Inky Fingers*

      Came to say the same! It’s such a fun book. Especially visualizing QE2 stepping into a bookmobile-ha!

    2. GoryDetails*

      I enjoyed Uncommon Reader as well! (For a different take on “The queen goes AWOL,” I’d also recommend Mrs Queen Takes the Train by William Kuhn, which includes a passage where his version of the Queen comments on Bennett’s book herself when someone else asks her about it. “Didn’t read it,” she replies, though she was briefed on its plot. “Imagine making me out to be a reader.”)

    4. I take tea*

      I liked it a lot to. The book bus was extremely important to me as a child, so I loved to read a book about a book bus.

  15. PinkBanana*

    I live in the UK and my parents live in the USA.

    I need suggestions of things to do the 2nd January in the US for my mom’s 70th birthday. Her husband is even older and so need to be not super active but something fun. Probably east coast but not Disney or Atlantic city which they have done for past birthdays. so.. suggestions? Its so close to Christmas and new years as well… not sure if that would factor in??

    she has done Vegas several times and would be quite a distance for them. But I can’t think of anything else?

    1. Acbrn*

      There’s Branson, MO — they cater to the 70+ crowd, or did when I was a kid. It’s not the East coast, but depending on where they live, it’s closer than Vegas.
      If they want to remember their “Where the Boys Are” salad days, Myrtle Beach?
      It’s going to depend a great deal on their interests, their mobility level, and how much they want to deal with cold weather.

      1. AJB*

        Branson does cater to that age bracket but if they’re visiting in January, virtually all of the shows and attractions will be closed. December would be a great time to visit though. They really do go all out for Christmas.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          This.

          They also have the Titanic museum there — that might be open in winter, I’m not sure. If they’re into it, it’s definitely worth a look.

    2. Acbrn*

      Oh, and if she likes gambling, there’s Biloxi, LA, and if she likes theme parks but doesn’t want to do Disney/Universal again, Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, TN.
      My childhood memories put going to Dollywood and Branson in the same trip.
      Still not east coast though.
      I love Savannah, GA, but it’s a lot of walking, and I’ve never been in the winter.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Do they like cruises? Disney cruises are very nice and generally leave from the east coast of Florida. Or people like the bigger RCL ships.

      If they want to stay on land, could go to either Key West or New Orleans or take a short flight to Bermuda.

    4. Squidhead*

      Fancy dinner and NYC Broadway show(s)? I don’t know if all the Christmas decorations are still up (windows in stores, Rockefeller Center tree) but if so there would probably be tours. Are you determined to do it *on* the 2nd or is there some leeway for the best show/hotel booking?

      1. WestsideStory*

        Epiphany is January 6 so the Big Tree in NYC would still be up the second week in January in 2026 along with most of the holiday specials. If they are in to that.

    5. CityMouse*

      What kinds of things is mom into? Beaches? Museums? History? Food?

      How does she do with colder weather or large cities?

    6. WFH4VR*

      Go to New York City and see a couple of plays; go to one of the wonderful museums. Have some good meals!

    7. Seashell*

      If they like casinos, maybe check out Mohegan Sun in Connecticut. They have a hotel there and events, like music and comedy. It’s also within driving distance of Mystic, which has a big aquarium and other sightseeing things.

    8. ElastiGirl*

      New York! Broadway, shopping, museums, great meals. NYC is wonderful around the holidays.

    9. Hyaline*

      How do they feel about Winter? Because for a lot of really lovely US places, that’s deep cold frozen time (I wouldn’t, for example, advise visiting Chicago, one of my favorite cities, in January unless you really like cold and snow or at least tolerate it well). But if you like wintry spots, NYC or Chicago around Christmas are really fun (and you shift a smidge earlier you can catch Christmas season shows if you’re interested in that). But if wintry weather is a nonstarter, try something southern–there are some southern cities that have culture and great food if they’re into that, like New Orleans; Savannah, Georgia; Austin, Texas. There’s also the option of a non-Disney Florida location like Apalachicola or Key West if beaches and towns with fun personalities appeal to them.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        Coastal cities in the South can be surprisingly cold in winter! The dampness makes it really uncomfortable even if the actual temperature doesn’t look too bad.

    11. Hola Playa*

      Savannah, Charleston, or St Augustine! Still will be chilly, but plenty of options to take in local history, eat well, do some touristy things, shop if thats y’all’s thing, and spend time at the coast. All at their pace.

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      Cullman Alabama has an amazing Christmas fair, if that’s your kind of thing. Also, Portsmouth NH has Strawbery Banke Museum which has so many different houses from different American periods and during the holiday season, they decorate them in accordance with how Christmas was celebrated in those different periods (from nothing to over the the top). Plus Portsmouth is on the ocean and is a very nice, historic town.

  16. UghNo*

    I went through some Very Bad Stuff last year and had to get therapy. It definitely helped process some of the pain.

    However, in my last session with my therapist she said something very disturbing and questionable. My therapist did later accept she gave advice that was totally inappropriate and apologised. But the trust is broken and I am in the process of looking for a new therapist. It’s actually really hard to find a therapist in my area so I guess I’m in between therapists for now. (Please don’t suggest I go back to my original therapist, it can’t happen).

    Here’s the thing. I’m still very much processing the Very Bad Stuff. I can’t help but think of all the previously comforting advice and support as “tainted”. It kind of feels like…..wearing a warm and cozy scarf that your ex boyfriend gifted you and feeling like you can’t fully enjoy the scarf because your stupid ex was a cheating jerk.

    I know in my head that my therapist’s bad comment doesn’t negate all the other sessions she actually helped. Can AAMers help put some perspective on this so I don’t carry on with another layer of complications in processing my feelings?

    1. Frieda*

      Broadening your search to include remote therapy (Zoom or equivalent) might help you find someone who will work who is not in your area.

      Would it be useful to frame the transition from the old therapist as either a. you having outgrown their capacity to help you, like graduating and starting a new program/swim class/whatever? or b. you having done so much work in your healing that you successfully identified a deal-breaking instance of bad judgement, and set the boundary that this person wasn’t a good fit for you any more, and made the choice to move on?

      The previous therapist may be good in some contexts but is clearly bad in others and while you legitimately don’t want to work with them now, that doesn’t erase the previous hard work *you* put in toward your recovery. It wasn’t them. It was you, with some guidance from them, and that guidance has now ended.

    2. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

      Hmmmm.

      I think part of the issue may be that at a subconscious level, you are (for completely understandable reasons) framing the situation as “she harmed me”, the way you would with that cheating ex. But it’s clear from your comment that it was a mistake, which she acknowledged. A careless or malevolent person would have doubled down or tried to gaslight you.

      If you really value the advice she gave, I would try to frame it to yourself as “things didn’t work out” with the course of therapy you did with her. If you had a relationship where you grew apart and parted ways, or a job that you outgrew, you probably wouldn’t shy away from talking about trips you took with that partner, or sharing lessons you learned at that job. It is possible that the advice will then seem less tainted.

      1. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

        And I wouldn’t give the same advice if you felt it wasn’t a mistake, but my impression from the comment is that you do.

    3. Turtle Dove*

      I had a similar experience with my long-time therapist, and I lost trust in her. (It’s different in that her advice wasn’t disturbing, but it was opposite the way I see things, and I felt like she pushed hard for me to adopt her viewpoint. There was no way I was going to.) In my case, she didn’t recognize or apologize for her bad advice. It’s good that your therapist did that. Anyhow, I found myself revisiting her other advice through the years and questioning it all. But there’s no denying I grew in very positive ways with her help. I think of it like having a friend who is generally warm and supportive but occasionally says something boneheaded or hurtful. Everyone is capable of stepping in it sometimes.

    4. SofiaDeo*

      Are you able to recall “good” memories from ex’s that you left the relationship? Because even though they did/said something that made you decide “they aren’t the One”, that doesn’t automatically negate the good experiences you had with them?

      We all blunder. Some blunders are unforgivable. But it doesn’t automatically negate all the good things that happened pre-blunder.

    5. Bee*

      I wonder if perhaps you’re dealing with two layers here? One layer is the “tainted by association” emotional effect, which isn’t something you can really reason your way out of. But in your situation I’d be worrying that perhaps some of her other advice was warped too. And that layer is something that can be dealt with by carefully reviewing the advice and comparing it with other sources of information. Perhaps seeing it in print, on a friend’s FB page, in a counseling article, etc, will help reassure you that it was indeed good advice and will help you see it as something that is a common good and not unique to that therapist.

      1. Quinalla*

        This would help me for sure. As well as recognizing that people are complicated and can give both good advice and bad. I doesn’t at all negate you needing a new therapist, but I do think you can take the good advice, etc. you got without ignoring that what they did at the end was bad. All of us make mistakes, hurt people, etc. that doesn’t mean everything we did before that is suddenly bad. I do think it make sense for there to be some doubt and some necessary checking on if previous advice was actually good depending on how things went down at the end.

    6. Middle Aged Lady*

      When Very Bad Stuff happened to me, I was understandably quite sensitive to anyone I trusted making a mistake. It was triggering and felt like betrayal all over again.
      In this case, the the therapist did something that made you decide you couldn’t go back. I am so sorry about that. They did apologize and say they realized they did wrong. I hope you can reframe it as ‘though they are a therapist and did wrong, they realized it and apologized. And it would be unhelpful to me to let that incident taint all their previous help.’ In my case, my therapist did make a few errors. But they weren’t the same as the deliberate lies and betrayal involved in Very Bad Thing that happened with someone else. At the time, as I said, I was in such a state that any mistake on a trusted person’s part left me with waves of triggers around being misunderstood and betrayed. I am not sure how bad what your therapist did was. Your feelings are valid and it may take some time for them to fade. But in my case at least, it got better and easier to see that people’s mistakes don’t negate all the good they did. I did have to fire a therapist early on who said some insensitive things before I found my excellent, though imperfect one. I wish you the best of luck.

  17. Falling Diphthong*

    I’ll launch a book thread.

    I read Kills Well With Others, sequel to Killers of a Certain Age. This was a really fun getting-the-team-back-together-for-one-last-job story, that recognized it needed to be a little more typical-job than the first book’s “So the answer here is to assassinate the entire leadership of our organization.” Also there is a chicken.

    Nonfiction, I read Humankind: A Hopeful History, which I really liked. It focuses on understanding reality, which has become important to me philosophically of late. And what the evidence is for other people being nasty, brutish, and determined to cut your life short. (The philosopher who said that believed the answer was to give up all your freedom to the Leviathan, who would make good decisions for you, and it’s worth asking if he had any clue what he was talking about.)

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I’m listening to “The Great Believers” on audiobook. It’s sad but in a kind of cozy way somehow? The past couple sad books I read were really brutal (one I abandoned at the halfway point because it was too bleak for me) so this one feels kind of nice by comparison.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I wound up posting in Teacher Lady’s reading thread below; not sure if I missed seeing your post or if it got hung up in moderation for a bit.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      Gave into temptation and went to the bookstore. Sighhh…

      Got Three Bags Full, first recommended on the weekend thread! Then Butter, a novel based on a real serial killer case in Japan, and The Blanket Cats, a sweet book about people who get a series of magical cats for three days only and how said cats help them solve problems.

      At work I’m rereading Shirley Jackson’s Hangsaman for the zillionth time because I can’t get enough of her writing!

    4. carcinization*

      Finished St. John Mandel’s Sea of Tranquility today, I liked it, but not as much as Station Eleven. There are multiple books I’m partway through with, including a Vinge collection called Eyes of Amber that I got at a used bookstore for $1.75. I’m enjoying it quite a bit.

  18. MED*

    I’m going to Vancouver for the 1st time in April, any recommandation of activities/places to visit ?

    1. o_gal*

      If this is Vancouver, Canada, my suggestion is the Capilano Suspension Bridge. Get there early when the crowds aren’t as heavy. Take the time to do all the trails through the woods.

      1. Excuse Me, Is This Username Taken?*

        I second the Capilano Suspension Bridge (and getting there early). My husband and I picked that as our one big activity for a (very short) trip. I went in with the lowest of expectations and oh my goodness, it blew me away. Absolutely the best part of the trip.

    2. Mobie's Mom*

      I JUST saw a video on the Seaside Greenway! It’s a 28-km uninterrupted waterfront path, the longest in the world, and it looks fantastic! Disclaimer: I’ve never been to Vancouver, but if I ever go, this tops my list of places to cleck out.

    3. Medium Sized Manager*

      Stanley Park is nice for a stroll. If you’re a hockey fan, there’s a statue of Lord Stanley.

      Capiliano Bridge is super fun even if you’re afraid of heights like me, and it’s very pretty.

      Tacofina has good Mexican food. Gastown is cool to walk around, and there’s a ton of great food.

      It’s a very walkable city, so I recommend doing that & just popping into random places that look good if you’re able!

    4. Weekend Warrior*

      Some of the early cherry trees will have started blooming. There will be online maps showing which areas are in bloom. Very beautiful, especially seen against snow covered mountains! (Snow may be all gone by April, but not always)

    6. Shepherd Moon*

      There’s the gondola ride up Grouse Mountain, or of course running up the mountain aka the Grouse Grind. Also: Van Dusen Gardens, Museum of Anthropology out at UBC, Queen Elizabeth Park, Sunset Beach, Stanley Park, and Coal Harbour. You can give the Gastown Steam Clock a miss.

      1. Rose is a rose*

        Also at UBC, the Beaty Biodiversity Museum has a blue whale skeleton on display! It’s in the entrance hall so you don’t even have to pay admission if you don’t want to.

    8. LBD*

      If you want to see some of the surrounding scenery and don’t have a car, one option is to take a bus to Horseshoe Bay, and do a round trip on a ferry from there. The longest trip will take you to Nanaimo in just under 2 hours, which you could make a day trip out of. You can walk from the Departure Bay ferry terminal to downtown Nanaimo along the Harbourfront Walkway, although it diverts a block up to the main road a couple of times in the more industrial area closest to the ferry terminal.
      Places to eat along the harbour include Troller’s Fish and Chips, Javawocky Coffee House, an ice cream place, and more. Close to the harbour are The Modern Cafe and Melange. And many other places. If you don’t want to walk all the way back, there are buses. If you get a #20 bus from the bus stop across from the White Sails pub near Maffeo Sutton Park, for example, you save a good part of the walk back with the bus stopping right at the ferry terminal.
      Taking a ferry to the Sunshine Coast is slightly cheaper, and is a shorter trip that also has great scenery. There are places to get food in Gibsons, at the other end of the ferry ride, but I haven’t been there in many years!
      If you are a nature lover and have access to a vehicle, the George C. Reifel Migratory Bird Sanctuary, south of Vancouver, is an amazing place to visit. You would need to book a time to go, but it is free.
      I hope you have a great time, and great weather!

      1. ghost_cat*

        Ooh, will make a note of this for any future trips to Vancouver. I am in Australia and have Canadian colleagues who I made Nanaimo bars for. And I get a ferry there? So doing that.

        1. LBD*

          Yes, Nanaimo is a good place to get Nanaimo Bars! (Or to visit Nanaimo bars, but that is a different sort of outing!)

    9. Decidedly Me*

      Seconding a lot of things here. Capitan Suspension Bridge is worth a visit. Granville Island is really fun. For Stanley Park, we rented bikes nearby and went around it, which I highly recommend. The aquarium is very nice, as well.

    10. Always Science-ing*

      Vancouver BC: Capilano Suspension Bridge is $$$, if you’d prefer a free option, the nearby Lynn Valley suspension bridge is also lovely and surrounded by beautiful trails – and MUCH less busy. You can also enjoy lovely forested walks in Pacific Spirit Park if you’re planning to be near UBC for any of the museums mentioned up thread. If you plan to go to Nanaimo and don’t want a car there you can take the new passenger ferry, Hello Ferries, directly from downtown. If you like shopping look online to see if Main St, South Granville (outside downtown), Kitsilano, or Commercial Dr are more your vibe. For delicious Indian food hit up the Little India area of Main St. Lots of delicious sushi across the city. Salmon and Bannock restaurant is a small indigenous owned restaurant serving delicious indigenous cuisine that I’d highly recommend. So good! Enjoy your trip!

      1. LBD*

        The Hullo Ferry is a great option for a much faster downtown Vancouver to downtown Nanaimo trip, but it is not easy to see the scenery during the voyage, especially if your assigned seat is away from the windows. The ferries from Horseshoe Bay allow more seating near windows or the chance to walk around on the outside decks. If your goal is to get from one point to another, go with Hullo. If your goal is scenery, Horseshoe Bay is probably the better choice, and is very connected with transit.

    11. MJ*

      This is a list from 10(?) years ago compiled by my parents when some friends were honeymooning in Vancouver, BC.

      I think most of the places mentioned are relatively easy to get to by public transport. The only one that might be more of a challenge is the Museum, but it is well worth the trip! – Even if you aren’t normally into museums.

      Museum of Anthropology (at UBC)
      http://www.moa.ubc.ca
      – I would rate this as not to be missed (public transport links aren’t great, but there is some information on their website about what is available). This museum hosts an amazing collection of First Nations art from various tribal backgrounds, including some totem poles and two Haida houses outside. There are also many items from cultures around the world. Not to mention the building itself is stunning (http://moa.ubc.ca/facility-rentals/resources/_img/gallery/e2.jpg). In the Galleries, as well as the items on show, you are encouraged to pull out the “storage drawers” to see additional items.

      Granville Island
      http://www.granvilleisland.com
      – Fabulous food market where you can get prepared take-away to eat outside or fresh ingredients to take home. Or try one of the many restaurants and cafes.
      – There are plenty of galleries and artisan shops to meander through. Also outdoor performances you can stop and watch for a bit.
      NOTE: If you are driving to Granville Island, watch the signs carefully!! It’s easy to miss the correct route and end up going over the bridge instead of down underneath it where Granville Island is situated.

      Downtown Vancouver
      – Robson/Burrard/Hornby Streets – Robson St. is the high-end shopping district and great for people watching (if I remember correctly, there are a number of cafes along here as well). There are a number of interesting buildings in Downtown, plus a number of native art galleries.

      Gastown
      – Historic district, original downtown area – lots of interesting galleries.
      – my parents recommended the Waterstreet Cafe (on Water Street)

      Stanley Park & Lions Gate Bridge
      – Don’t miss the Hollow Tree, a 700-800 year old Western Red Cedar tree stump that’s large enough to fit an elephant inside!
      – The road to the Lions Gate Bridge runs through the park, but you can get a view of the bridge from Granville Island as well.

      South Granville (Granville St. & West 12th Avenue area)
      This is a well-known something-for-everyone shopping district – fashion, food, galleries, antiques. Great for wandering around – and food (see next item).

      Vij’s Restaurant – http://www.vijs.ca
      1480 – W 11th Avenue (South Granville area – see above)
      My parents raved about this place. It is amazing Indian food. The lamb popsicles are super yummy.

    12. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      As a Washington state resident I have to ask which Vancouver. We have one too, just across the river from Portland. You can take the Amtrak Cascades train from one Vancouver to the other and make some great stops along the way, if you’re so inclined. Bellingham is a great little town, the Seattle station is in the heart of Pioneer Square, you can get off in Tacoma and go to the Museum of Glass, and Olympia (where I live) has a funky little downtown and is the state capitol. VanWA has been investing in walkability in downtown and has some good food and a cool waterfront boardwalk area.

      There’s my tourism bureau plug for the week.

  19. Lee*

    Electric blanket recommendations? One side of mine has apparently bitten the dust, so I (and the cat) need a new one. I know they have a tendency to die, but this one lasted about 4 years, if not a little longer. Unfortunately, the company that made it is no longer in business.

    thanks,

    1. Puffle*

      I don’t have recommendations unfortunately (my electric blanket is ok but not stand-out), but your comment about your cat made me laugh- my cat has a fave spot on the bed where she gets optimal electric blanket coverage, and she gets very fussy if someone/ something is in the way of her spot (and I am in trouble if it’s switched off)

    2. Girasol*

      I just got Sunbeam electric mattress pad and quite like it. I have to be careful of where the cable goes down through the bed frame but it seems like it would last longer because its internal wires just lay neat and flat and don’t get flipped all around like the ones in a blanket. But if I were to go for a blanket I’d still go Sunbeam because they have a pretty good record for safety.

    3. RC*

      Is it just for warm-in-cold-weather reasons? Does it have to be an electric blanket? If not, may I recommend The Slanket, which is distinct from the Snuggie that was all over infomercials several years ago, because the Slanket is longer and thicker and the newer ones have foot pockets. Both I and the cats love them (fleece, so they’ll just go into zoning out kneading mode). As of now I have a sleep-slanket and an awake-slanket, and I’m never cold in them, because sleeves (I do also wear it what they’d consider backwards, with the opening at the front, so you can wrap it around sort of like a giant robe with a hood and foot pocket). I am usually always cold.

    4. Geriatric Rocker*

      I’m vaguely afraid of electric blankets, plus I’m a hot sleeper, so I’m no help at all. On a tangent, I once bought a hot water bottle that came with a set of very detailed instructions and a recommendation that I give them my email address so they can regularly check up to see how the bottle is going.

      I’ve never had after sales service on a $1 hot water bottle before.

  20. Emma*

    Does anyone use retinol or tretenoin? How did you go about starting? Do you have a favorite product or brand? How often do you use it? Have you noticed it makes a difference in your skin? And do you stop use for summer?

    Anything else I should know? So many questions!

    I briefly used retinol a few years ago, but I feel like I’m starting from scratch.

    1. IHateitHere*

      It depends on if you’re using prescription or OTC. But start slowly, like 2-3 times a week. Apply ointment to a dry face, not freshly after washing. Make sure you use moisturizer, you’ll possibly (probably) start peeling or noticing dry patches. Don’t use a scrub, it’s too harsh but you could use chemical exfoliation but I just deal with it for the few days and then your skin will adjust.
      USE SUNSCREEN! Like everyday, be diligent.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        So much sunscreen. Roll in it like you’re a doggo that just found a dead something in the woods.

    2. Teacher Lady*

      I used Paula’s Choice Intensive Wrinkle Repair Retinol Serum, mainly on my forehead, for much of last year, and I really like it. The consistency makes it really easy to apply, and I do think it’s reduced the severity of my forehead lines. I only use it at night, throughout the year, usually 2x weekly.

      (I’ve also previously tried The Ordinary’s Argireline Solution, which I thought was as good, but the liquid consistency is a bit more annoying to apply IMO.)

      1. Reba*

        This one is good. For a super gentle starter product the Beauty of Joseon serum is nice (it has retinal not retinol).

        Patch test anything you buy before slapping on your face!

    3. Laggy Lu*

      I just started Tret. I got a prescription from my dermatologist. I am starting using it every 2 nights, and going over it with Vanicream. Don’t use it around your eyes. Wear sunscreen every day! I use Cetaphil SPF 50 mineral sunscreen.

        1. Laggy Lu*

          Yes it was. My doctor said it might not get covered. It did take almost a week to go through, but it did. I didn’t say anything – my doc just prescribed it!

    4. Catherine*

      It gave me too much acne so I stopped it. I was using The Ordinary one. Maybe less
      Oily formulas would be better.

      I’ve heard good things about the CeraVee retinols

    5. California Dreamin’*

      I just started tretenoin (prescription) last month. I started with twice a week and last week went to every third day (which I guess is still kind of twice a week?) I’m planning to go to every other day after another week… taking it very slow. So far no issues. I put moisturizer over it and then zinc sunscreen over that. Hoping to see results but I understand it might take a while at this rate.

      1. Emma*

        Would you mind sharing how you got it prescribed? And was it covered by insurance?

        Thanks!

        1. California Dreamin’*

          I went to a new dermatologist and he prescribed it (his suggestion, I didn’t ask for it.) I went to him for help establishing an anti-aging skin regimen, which I’ve never had any semblance of, and that was one of the three things he likes to start patients with (vitamin C serum and daily mineral sunblock were the others.) I’m assuming my insurance paid part (most?) of the cost because it was like $10 when I picked it up.

    6. ReallyBadPerson*

      If you are talking nonprescription retinol, CeraVe is excellent. And if you are outside in the summer and aren’t religious about sunscreen, you will need to stop.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      I used it back in the day, combined with Accutane, for acne, and the dosing was much less nuanced than it is now (was prescription only and everything!) Boy, that combo did a short term number on me, but decades later I still have great skin!

      If you’re hesitant, I’d make a doctor’s appointment to discuss dosages and use. Be SURE to mention all drugs and supplements you’re taking as well, as retinol and other skin meds can react weirdly with them.

    8. Courageous cat*

      I use tretinoin and my insurance covered it. I just use the weakest strength by prescription (which is still mad strong). I have sensitive skin so I apply it twice a week using the sandwich method (google it, it is helpful!) but I still get some flaking. My understanding is that it’s normal during this period.

    9. Plaidless*

      I’ve used tretinoin for many years. I quit cream in favor of gel, because the cream gave me closed comedones.

      It’s honestly a lot of work, ensuring daily sun protection and washing up/exfoliating properly all the time. I can’t take a day off if I’m tired or sick and don’t feel like tending to my skin, because my face will start flaking like mad or my zits will flare up again. But I push through because having pizza face at my age is just ridiculous and embarrassing.

      My derm is glad to prescribe it, but my insurance won’t pay, so I order mine online. There is a subreddit all about this topic with a ton of tips and suggestions, much more than anyone could write here. Check out r/tretinoin.

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      I use tretenoin prescription. I use it probably twice per week after I exfoliate my skin. I use it on my face and neck and hands. If I’m very dry, I’ll mix it with some moisturizer and then apply. I use it maybe a little less frequently in the summer, especially if I’m outside a lot.
      Lots of moisturizer, drink a lot of water and sunscreen are key. It really works IMHO.
      If I was smart, I’d use it on my hands more.

  21. Teacher Lady*

    Reading thread! What have you been reading this week, and what did you think of it? What books are up next for you?

    1. Teacher Lady*

      I will admit that I posted this thread to share an update earlier rather than later (before I forget or get too busy)!

      Last month, I posted a few times in the reading thread about my Black History Month reading challenge, and last week another commenter asked me to share my reading list from that challenge.

      A bit of background to help situate the challenge and resulting list: I decided to do this challenge (for which there was a single participant – me) because my reading has been growing increasingly White over the past few years. This is in part due to the genres I read in – I am first and foremost a romance reader, and while there are many authors of color in that space, there are also a whoooooole lot of White ladies – but also unquestionably stems from simply not paying attention to the patterns in my own reading. My long-term goal is not for books by authors of any particular identity to be siloed in a specific time of year; however, doing a challenge like this felt like a good starting point for intentionally diversifying my reading.

      My selections for Black History Month were a mix of things that had been languishing on my TBR and things I picked up from the New Books display at my library. My only rules were that the author had to be Black, and the main character (or at least one of them) had to be Black. One thing I realized while reflecting on the reading was that it ultimately lacked intersectionality – I didn’t have any books by Black queer writers, or Black Latino/Latina authors, for example – so that’s something for me to keep in mind going forward. There was nothing I read for this challenge that I truly didn’t like, but I enjoyed some books more than others; for that reason, I’m dividing my list into Favorites from BHM and Everything Else.

      Favorites from BHM
      A Love Song for Ricki Wilde by Tia Williams
      Black Cake by Charmaine Wilkerson
      Death of the Author by Nnedi Okorafor
      The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin

      Everything Else I Read During BHM
      The Obelisk Gate by N.K. Jemisin
      American Spy by Lauren Wilkinson
      The Originalism Trap by Madiba Dennie
      Do You Take This Man by Denise Williams
      Red at the Bone by Jacqueline Woodson
      Pardon my Frenchie by Farah Rochon
      Grown Women by Sarai Johnson
      An Extraordinary Union by Alyssa Cole
      A Hope Divided by Alyssa Cole
      An Unconditional Freedom by Alyssa Cole

      I have decided that I’m going to keep this style of challenge going throughout the year by reading for other group history or heritage months. In April, I’ll be reading for Arab-American History Month, and in May for Asian-American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month, although for both of those months, I am going to ignore the -American part; Arab and Asian/Pacific Islander authors who don’t have ties to the U.S. will also fit the bill. I’ll do a Pride Month challenge in June, read for Hispanic Heritage Month from 9/15-10/15, and do Native American Heritage Month in November.

      I already have a good portion of my hold list set up for April, but if anyone has recommendations for books by Arab writers that are joyful, I invite you to tell me about them! I have a lot of books on my list that are intergenerational family stories, which is a type of literary fiction I adore, but for obvious historical (and, frankly, contemporary) reasons, I know there’s going to be a lot of trauma and sorrow in those stories.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Joyful might be a stretch, but it’s a (nonfiction) success story — I really enjoyed Book of Queens by Pardis Mahdavi, about generations of Iranian women protecting each other while preserving a breed of Caspian horses. “Pardis Mahdavi chases the legacy of Caspian horses and the women whose lives are saved by them, drawing on decades of research, newly-discovered diaries, and exclusive military sources.”

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I felt similarly about “The Bad-Ass Librarians of Timbuktu,” though that’s African.

      2. Catherine*

        For Arab writers, anything by Susana Abulhawa I loved.

        Also Minor Detail by adania Shibli. Extremely confronting but very good.

        1. Catherine*

          Ahh I just saw the “Joyful” request- maybe raincheck Minor Detail for now then!

        2. Teacher Lady*

          Thanks! I’ll check out both, might pass on Minor Detail until I’m in a reading space where I can balance things a bit more given your note!

      4. Jackalope*

        I enjoyed The Stardust Thief by Chelsea Abdullah; it’s a fantasy novel, first of a series. I’ve been avoiding downer books for a long time and I remember liking it so I know it’s either joyful or at least neutral but it’s been a bit so I don’t remember which.

        I deeply loved the poetry book Emails From Scheherazad by Mohja Kahf about life as an Arab American who has immigrated here. She has a novel as well which didn’t click with me as much but it is of course an option too.

        Amal El-Mohtar has the book This Is How You Lose the Time War, as well as a new book that just came out in the last week or two. It’s hard to describe, but it was a delightful quirky novella that I enjoyed.

        Nafiza Azad is a Fijian author but I believe she’s of Arabic ancestry. You could choose which month you wanted to red her. The book The Candle and the Flame was one that I enjoyed, although I will give a heads up that she used a lot of terms from other languages (Urdu, Arabic, and Hindi are the main ones I could find), which meant that some paragraphs all the nouns were in a language I don’t speak. I enjoyed the story, though, and you might as well.

        I will add that I’ve just learned about Sara Nashem as an author but I haven’t had time to read her books yet so I can’t say if she’s joyful or not.

        1. Jackalope*

          Ooh, I forgot Laughing All the Way to the Mosque by Zarqa Nawaz, which is a nonfiction book that is highly entertaining and also very informative about being a Muslim in Canada.

        2. Teacher Lady*

          Thanks! The Stardust Thief was already on my list (and I hadn’t realized it had sequels), as was Amal’s new book (I read Time War a couple years ago). I will note the others to check out as well!

      5. Reba*

        The Night Counter by Alia Yunis.

        A riff on the 1001 Nights, an elderly matriarch tells the stories of her youth and her sprawling, dysfunctional Lebanese American family, when Sheharazade comes to visit.

      6. Jackalope*

        Some Asian authors for the future as well; I just lost part of a comment on this so this may be a tad disjointed. One thing about both this list and the last list I gave you is that many of the authors are queer and/or disabled, since you mentioned that you wanted more intersectionality.

        Courtney Milan is one of my favorite authors. She does a wide range of romance novels, most of them historical romance. The Wedgeworth series (starting with The Duke Who Didn’t) has Asian British characters as the leads. The Worth series starts off with white leads but the later books are black and/or Asian. And the Cyclone series has an Asian American lead in the first book and a Latina trans woman as the lead in the second book.

        Layci Lee writes mostly romance but recently came out with a fantasy book called Nine Tailed about a Nine Tailed Fox spirit. I loved Nine Tailed; I tried once other romances and it wasn’t my style but the writing was still good so I would recommend giving her a try since you said you like romances.

        Basically anything by Zen Cho is great; she writes a wide range of fantasy, often includes queer characters, and I enjoyed her stuff. Nghi Vo falls into this category as well; she has a delightful series of novellas called the Singing Hills Cycle that are pretty widely loved and are fairly light.

        Tasha Suri writes some great books as well. Once again they’re fantasy, with various worlds based on Indian settings. I liked the Ambha Duology a lot, and would especially recommend that one.

        Rin Chupeco is a queer fantasy author with a number of books out now. I’d recommend starting with their series The Bone Witch if you’re wanting something that’s not dark. There’s also The Never-Tilting World, which is the first book of a duology, but that one is a bit darker.

        Lastly, Jy Yang (who I just learned has now legally changed their name to Neon Yang, but I’m giving you their old name since I think that’s what the books will still be under) has a YA fantasy duology with some really interesting gender play in it. I will be honest that the first book didn’t really do it for me, but you may well enjoy it so I list it anyway.

        That’s it for now, but I’ll come back if/when I think of more later. Note that there’s a wide range of Asian backgrounds in the authors listed here, in terms of which parts of Asia they are from. I hope this helps!

        2. Teacher Lady*

          Courtney Milan is on my list already (I’ve read some of her contemporaries but never any of her historicals, oddly), and I’ve read a few Jayci Lee books (hit and miss for me, although I have one that’s new to me that I’ll probably pick up in May). I will check out some of these other suggestions too!

      7. Bluebell Brenham*

        Thanks for sharing your BHM booklist. A few suggestions for future months:
        Syed Masood wrote the very funny Bad Muslim discount, but it’s not without trauma. He has a sweet YA romance called More than just a Pretty Face. In May, try Your Utopia by Bora Chung. They are short stories but excellent- I read it for a summer book challenge. For Pride month, Skye Falling is a fun novel. The author, Mia McKenzie, is Black and queer, and has a new novel coming up in June.

      8. Sitting Pretty*

        A few Arab- and Iranian-America books I love:
        Jameela Green Ruins Everything, Zarqa Nawaz (satire)
        Darius the Great series, Adib Khoram (YA, they’re all just delightful)
        You Exist Too Much, Zaina Arafat (LGBTQIA coming of age)
        Martyr, Kaveh Ahbar (hard to categorize. Don’t let the dust cover description dissuade you, I almost skipped it because it sounded too grim. I’m so glad I didnt! It’s actually very magical and lovely and even quite funny at times).

      9. Jackalope*

        This is a long time in the future for you so I won’t put a bunch of Native American authors down, but I had to recommend Mourning Dove, who was the first published Native American female novelist. Her book Cogewea the Half-Blood is to some extent dated, as you can tell by the title, but it’s a passionate book with some interesting insights on what it was like to be of mixed Native American and white ancestry at the time she was writing (passionate in the sense of her having deeply held feelings about race and the way people of mixed blood were treated that were unusual in published books of her time). She also wrote Mourning Dove: A Salishan Autobiography, which I thoroughly enjoyed. She was born at the time when Native Americans in WA state (where she’s from) hadn’t yet had their land grabbed, and attended the only decent-sounding boarding school for Native American children that I’ve ever heard of (they weren’t trying to erase their culture, the kids went home on the regular, etc. If I remember this correctly; take this with a grain of salt), meaning her childhood had less of the trauma associated with many Native children. When she was writing it was after the land grab, so she was trying to preserve as much of her culture as she could by writing it down, so this gives a wonderful overview of what it was like to be a Salishan woman in the 1800s before the land grab. Her books are harder to find these days but not impossible, and I encourage everyone to try to find and read them.

        1. Teacher Lady*

          This is great, thank you! My November list is definitely the lightest so I am happy to have more to check out – and I have plenty of time to track things down.

          1. fallingleavesofnovember*

            I’ve got lots to recommend for Indigenous lit (mostly from authors from Nations/territories in what is now Canada, but naturally some of them have connections across North America!)
            – Thomas King’s books are usually quite funny, even when dealing with serious topics (I enjoyed Green Grass Running Water and The Back of the Turtle).
            – Cherie Dimaline’s (Métis) ‘The Marrow Thieves’ is about a rag-tag group trying to survive in an apocalyptic near-future – it’s a bit YA but I cried at the ending.
            – Richard Wagamese (Anishinaabe) is another classic: I loved Ragged Company, which is about a group of unhoused Indigenous people who win big at the lottery and the lawyer who tries to help them get organized – it has some really dark revelations about the characters’ pasts, but I found it funny and compassionate. –
            Eden Robinson (Haisla and Heiltsuk) is also great (Monkey Beach might be a good start, although I loved the wacky Son of a Trickster trilogy).
            – I haven’t actually had the chance to read much Billy Ray Belcourt (Cree) or Joshua Whitehead (Oji-Cree) but they are both queer Indigenous poets/authors who I’ve heard good things about!
            – Oh, and a final one I read a couple of years ago: Tauhou by Kōtuku Titihuia Nuttall, which takes place in an alternate future where Vancouver Island and New Zealand are side by side (the author is Coast Salish and Maori).

            1. Teacher Lady*

              Wow, this is a great list, thanks! I think I may have heard of The Marrow Thieves, but the rest of these I’d never heard of. Thanks!

            2. RC*

              I’ve also loved everything I’ve read from Darcie Little Badger (Lipan Apache); it’s technically YA but it’s not too simplistic or anything. She has a background in oceanography so very much my jam.

      10. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

        I can also recommend (although I think it’ll be too late for Black History Month if you’re in the States) anything by Chimimanda Ngozi Adichie. Particularly Americanah and Purple Hibiscus.

        1. Teacher Lady*

          Thanks! I read both about a decade ago (whenever Americanah came out). I liked Half of a Yellow Sun best – my local RPCV group includes a couple of older folks who were Peace Corps Volunteers at the time of the Biafran War and their stories are WILD.

          1. fallingleavesofnovember*

            Her newest book (first since Americanah) just came out, I haven’t read it yet but am excited to!

      11. My Brain is Exploding*

        That was me, thank you! My list is soooo long now! I try to change it up by doing a mix of fiction, non-fiction, heavy non-fiction (I’m slowly slogging through An Indigenous People’s History of the United States…such good info but reads like a text book, so I take it with me on a long car trip and read a chapter. I’ll have to read it again when I finish!), and biographies.

        1. Teacher Lady*

          You’re welcome, thanks for asking about it! I had a couple non-fiction books on my “maybe February” list that obviously didn’t get in, one that I do really want to make time for is Kerri Greenidge’s biography of William Monroe Trotter. Non-fiction is a fairly small slice of my reading, since almost all my podcasts are non-fiction (and I find that I just can’t follow audio narratives sufficiently well), but I’m trying to make some space for it.

      12. goddessoftransitory*

        Be sure to check out short story collections! I have an anthology of Christmas stories that contain holiday tales from every perspective, including Black, Latino, and others–it’s The Library of America Collected Christmas Stories, edited by Connie Willis, for instance.

      13. Sutemi*

        I just finished To Shape a Dragon’s Breath by Moniquill Blackgoose. Steampunk fantasy in an Indigenous setting which was quite delightful.

    2. IHateitHere*

      My book choices are decidedly low-brow and escapism.

      I started reading Cruel Prince and got two-thirds of the way in and just. cant. finish. Can anyone tell me if it’s worth it?

      2. GoryDetails*

        I couldn’t get into The Cruel Prince at all, despite enjoying Holly Black’s other works. I did find that the short-story collection How the King of Elfhame Learned to Hate Stories, which features some back-stories from the “Cruel Prince” series, did keep me entertained, for what it’s worth.

      3. Forensic13*

        I liked The Cruel Prince alright when I read it; it helped that for whatever reason it worked better for me than the two ACOTAR books I read. On the other hand, I never have read the sequel to TCP so I think I was more underwhelmed than not.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I got a short story from Seanan McGuire’s Patreon that had me wanting to refresh my memory on some events from her October Daye series, so I’ve reread about eight of those this week, and loved them as always. Also realized that the next book in her InCryptid series is coming out on Tuesday, so now the last one (which has the same POV narrator) is on my reread list for this weekend so I’m refreshed on the state of that world before the new one drops.

      1. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

        I just remembered that it was coming out soon! I’m traveling for work next week, so quite happy with the news.

    4. Forensic13*

      Re-reading Terry Pratchett for comfort. Although I will say I was trying the Rincewind “cycle” again and they’re very much my least favorite of the storylines. Mostly because most of them are his older books, more straight satirical of fantasy from that era. I tried The Last Continent and it has a lot of funny bits but eh? Missing the usual Pratchett nuance for me.
      And then next week I’m going on a belated birthday getaway to relax (in a treehouse!!) so I’ll be reading some TBRs I’ve been dawdling on. I suspect I’ve picked too many creepy/depressing books and will regret my choice when it’s dark and things start rustling outside.

      1. GoryDetails*

        While I’d agree that the Rincewind books are among my less-favorite Discworld tales, The Last Continent is one of my favorites; the many riffs on pop-culture Australia tickled me, not least when the Luggage turns up at a Pride parade!

        1. Forensic13*

          I was pretty sure I was missing a lot of the jokes! I’m a little familiar with Australian culture (I did catch the Pride and Priscilla Queen of the Desert jokes!) but I’m not familiar with older/British-oriented stereotypes about Australia, which I think is part of it. Most of my exposure now is Bluey, heh.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Current/recent reads include:

      The Breakdown by B. A. Paris, a twisty thriller about a woman who can’t trust her own memory. Given the self-doubting and potentially unreliable narrator, it was more than a little frustrating, and while the ending did pull out some satisfying twists it felt rushed to me.

      Nonfiction: The Pun Also Rises, an entertaining look at the history and science behind puns – great fun so far. (Published in 2012, so its version of computers’ ability to recognize puns might be a bit different now. Or maybe not; puns can be more complicated than they might seem.)

      Cooper’s Creek: The Opening of Australia by Alan Moorehead, which centers on the tragic Burke-Wills expedition of 1860.

      Carrying-around book: The Deerfield Massacre by James L. Swanson, about the 1704 attack on colonists in Deerfield, Massachusetts, one of many confrontations in the French and Indian Wars. (There’s a museum in Deerfield that still has the heavy oak door from one of the houses that were attacked; the door itself held up, but alas for the folks inside the house, someone panicked and ran out a back door, leaving access for the attackers.)

    6. HannahS*

      I read Terence Real’s book on depression in men, I Don’t Want To Talk About It.

      I found it mostly fine, but once per chapter he’d say something that would make me want to throw the book against the wall. Close to the end, I looked at the foreword, which I usually skip, and realized the book was first written 30 years ago. His viewpoint made WAY more sense in that context, and it made it easier to see as someone who was deeply empathetic and progressive for the 90s, but who still had some clear blindspots (as I’m sure we all do in our own eras.)

      On the whole, I wouldn’t recommend it, TBH.

    7. Lifelong student*

      Just finished Becoming Madam Secretary. Fascinating! I was recently invited to join a small book club and it was mentioned there so I got it from the library. Read it in two days. Now going to read The Women of Chateau LaFayette by the same author- Stephanie Dray.

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Finished Eve’s Hollywood, by Eve Babitz, a series of short pieces that are memoir but supposedly somewhat fictionalized about her time growing up in LA in the 50s and 60s. It was okay.

    9. Nervous Nellie*

      One for me this week. My Penguin is Emile Zola’s Au Bonheur des Dames (aka. The Ladies’ Delight). It’s the 11th book in a massive series of twenty books by the author, originally published in 1883, this translation by Robin Buss. I don’t plan to read them all – this one piqued my interest. It’s a soap opera of a book about a Paris department store and the staff within. It’s a rousing criticism/examination of capitalism, with some good romance drama woven in. The descriptions in the store of the staff, customers, decor and items for sale are so vivid. Strongly recommended.

      As an evening counterpoint I am watching the beloved American TV series Superstore (America Ferrera!), about the lives and daily work of staff at a big-box store in an unnamed midwestern city. As our real-life economy spirals, it’s a satisfying thought exercise to read about and watch stories about consumerism and consumption. It makes me really appreciate all I have, and reminds me to be content.

      1. IHateitHere*

        what does penguin mean? I’ve seen that term in other ways but don’t get it in reference to reading. Is it a book you can’t get off the ground with/don’t like?

        1. allathian*

          Penguin books is a (paperback) publisher, they have a series called Penguin Classics that’s been mentioned on the weekend thread before.

          1. IHateitHere*

            I feel like a dope :) I knew it was a publisher but just imagined it was some super secret booktok thing.

            1. Nervous Nellie*

              You are in no way a dope – don’t feel silly at all. At the pace of today’s world, it was at least 50% possible that your theory was the answer!

              If it helps, I do see on Goodreads and the Reddit sub r/books that the term for a book you don’t enjoy is DNF, as in ‘did not finish.’ That’s the only code I’ve noticed – I’m not that up on modern ways. I would rather read Homer! Happy reading to you, whatever you enjoy.

        2. Nervous Nellie*

          Sure! My 2025 resolution is to read a ton of classic literature published by Penguin. The Zola is very good. It’s my current Penguin on my list.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          This one is quite marvelous. I read Therese Raquin many years ago (same translator) but this one could be a Netflix miniseries. Fascinating stuff!

    10. puffle*

      Currently reading A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles, which I think was mentioned on here a little while ago. Really enjoying it, it’s not my usual sort of book but so many people had good things to say about it that when I saw a copy at a local bookshop I picked it up. Only 150 pages in so far, but the writing is fantastic

      1. allx*

        Love that book. Also read it after seeing it recommended many times here. So well written. It sort of gave me of the same feeling I had reading William Boyd’s Any Human Heart.

    11. Grasshopper Relocation LLC*

      I’m traveling to London for work (I live fairly close by as is) and will be taking along Blair at Ten by Anthony Seldon, which is a profile of Tony Blair’s years as prime minister.

      It’s part of a whole series (Johnson at Ten, Truss at Ten, etc.) which I can highly recommend as studies of power and interpersonal dynamics. Seldon is very different from me politically, but I’ve definitely already applied some of the things I picked up from him to my own workplace.

    12. goddessoftransitory*

      I recently got Three Bags Full (first recommended here!) Butter, and The Blanket Cats at the bookstore, where I am forbidden from entering again until I get through this pile and I MEAN it this time! But these seem like relatively quick reads, so it shouldn’t be too long.

      I also started The City and Its Uncertain Walls by Murakami for bedtime reading, and am enjoying a lot! The chapters are short and go back and forth with the protagonist between his “real” life and the mysterious City where his true love resides–or does she?

      At work I’m re-re-re-re-reading Hangsaman, by Shirley Jackson. I just adore her style and characters.

    13. GoryDetails*

      Audiobook: Jules Verne’s The Adventures of Captain Hattaras, narrated by Will Watt. I’ve read a lot of Verne but hadn’t come across this one, and I admit I chose it largely on the strength of the narrator, whose work I really enjoy. Anyway, the novel came out in the mid 1860s and is, for its era, pretty much a cutting-edge speculation on polar exploration, with Verne (and his characters) taking lessons from the many lost or much-tried expeditions of the previous couple of decades. So far it’s entertaining, with a crew being assembled by the remote control of the captain, who’s keeping his identity secret – and is also avoiding any mention of where the ship will be voyaging, though the equipment strongly suggests the North Pole.

    14. allathian*

      Third Girl by Agatha Christie. One of the later, weaker Poirots. Very talky, and the solution is too incredible to work for me.

      1. Forensic13*

        Agreed with its weakness. Christie was very much out of her element with more modern Britain and her disdain and unfamiliarity with it hurts any of her books set remotely in that era.

        Although it is really satisfying as a millennial to hear her whining about the Boomers apparently being lazy and immoral just the way they ended up whining about us!

    15. I DK*

      I finished two 80’s crime novels by Lawrence Sanders: The 4th Deadly Sin and Timothy’s Game. Fun reads, very New York City. Picked up Ghost Man by Roger Hobbs for this week.

  22. Angstrom*

    Eclectic week! Finished “With zeal and with bayonets only”, a scholarly study of the British army during the American Revolutionary war. Now midway through “The best American noir of the century” short story anthology. Good but bleak, as one would expect. As a counterbalance to that, started “The Wisteria Society of Lady Scoundrels”.

  23. Bookworm in Stitches*

    There have been discussions of making lists for birthday years, doing X number of things during the big year. Or not even linking to a birthday number, just changing up one’s life in little ways, doing different things.

    What are ~5 things you would put on a list?

    1. Bookworm in Stitches*

      And for the most part, I’m not thinking bucket list or costly things. I turned 65 last month which I mentioned here. I just want to make this year be a little different from all the rest of the years. For one, I’m finally getting improved lighting for my sewing area which I’ve wanted forever.

    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Don’t know that I would do all of these, and I certainly wouldn’t start them all at once, but here are 5 ideas.
      1. Try a new recipe every week
      2. Go to a new place once a month (doesn’t have to be travel. A new restaurant you’ve never been to, or a state park close enough for a day trip you’ve never gotten around to visiting, etc.)
      3. Take a class in something you know nothing about or have been afraid to try.
      4. Be creative regularly. You could do a photo a day, or write a short story every month, or a weekly poem. Take up doodling. Bring out those watercolors that have been in the closet for a decade and do something with them.
      5. Get outside more often. A neighborhood walk, sitting on a park bench, bird watching, star gazing, etc.

    3. Turtle Dove*

      This is a twist on the idea that I love: Celebrate with a day trip and visit lots of places you’ve been meaning to stop into. I did it last year with my husband, and I’m excited to do it again in a few months. It felt so indulgent! Like we stopped the clock and moseyed instead of rushing from home to destination. We stopped at about ten places we’d passed for years on the back-roads route to our daughter’s house: a diner for breakfast, a library in a small town, a bar in the middle of nowhere where we ate a local speciality and chatted with regulars, a park with a lake and walking paths, etc. This year I want to add a bakery and maybe kayaking.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I love this idea. A few years ago an acquaintance came to town and wanted to do “touristy” stuff, since she’d never been in my city before. I had a blast exploring in ways living here tends to mute.

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Getting new living room and bedroom lamps. I picked out new ones a couple years ago, but they suck for reading as much as the old ones. I’m going to have to get the kind with adjustable necks.

      Go on a trip just for fun, by myself. The only times I’ve traveled in the last decade, really, were due to family emergencies and memorials.

      Eventually get some new cats. It’s still too soon, but I really miss furbabies around the place.

      Revamp my wardrobe. Most of my stuff is pretty old, and I get more boring as I age.

    5. Nola*

      I’ve been switching up my “regular” orders. I meet two friends/former coworkers for lunch every other week and, right around my 45th birthday last year, realized I always get the turkey sandwich. In fact, a turkey sandwich is my go to order at a lot of places. So I’ve made it a point to now order something different every time I go. I have the roast beef! Or the ham! Or go crazy and have the plate lunch!

      And I’m doing it now with other places too. Beef enchiladas instead of the chicken tacos! Rainbow pizza instead of the margarita! An eclair instead of the pain au chocolat!

      Little differences but fun and I haven’t been disappointed.

  24. The Dude Abides*

    Exercise thread!

    I was talking with someone at (that place) yesterday about pre-workout. I use one scoop in 24oz of water before/during every workout, and worry I’m overdoing it. I’ve heard stories of people headbutting walls or throwing up from overdoing it, and am trying to not do that.

      2. Sitting Pretty*

        “Pre-workout” is a term for any number of bodybuilding supplement powders. lots of brands and types.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          Oooh, thank you for the information. Speaking of supplements, I read an article in The Guardian on creatine and how it might help women. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about it with my pharmacist or doctor yet, though. But it was an interesting article.

          2. Camelid coordinator*

            Hi TT, I take creatine, and my many doctors have not had a problem with it. Besides the muscle benefits I think it has been helping a little with brain fog and mood.

        2. Ginger Cat Lady*

          Yes, I know. And whether or not he’s doing “too much” is going to depend on which product he’s using. It’s impossible to answer his question because “pre-workout” could mean a whole bunch of different things.

    2. AnonRN*

      This sounds like an “ask your doctor” question, since the levels of supplements and caffeine in ‘a serving’ of pre-workout vary a lot. (For reference, all of them have more caffeine than I…who normally only drinks 1 or 2 cups of tea a day…personally want to consume in one sitting!). There can be unpleasant subjective effects (feeling jittery, upset stomach, overworking yourself and being really sore, etc) but also dangerous objective effects (arrhythmia, cardiac strain, muscle damage from doing too much) and we the commenters won’t be able to advise you on the difference between “unpleasant” and “unsafe” for your own personal body. (I mean, if you’ve noticed holes in your walls, you should definitely dial it back! But the stuff you haven’t noticed is the stuff you should take to your doctor if you’re worried about the dose of caffeine or any of the other ingredients.)

  25. Paris Geller*

    Does anyone have a great sandwich recipe or ideas for combinations they love? Toasted, not-toasted, will cook ingredients, etc. I just love a good sandwich and would like to try maybe some combos I haven’t thought of! (caveat: I hate tomatoes and onions, so feel free to share for others but I will not be using those two ingredients!)

    1. sagewhiz*

      Two grilled cheese faves of mine:
      Cheddar, sliced (& patted dry-ish) dill pickle, sliced onion, lots of yellow mustard
      Cheddar with drained kimchi

      On sourdough for extra delish

      2. MJ*

        My mom makes a mean grilled cheese with apple or pear slices. Can’t remember which cheese she uses (maybe provolone?).

    3. MissB*

      I love a good chicken salad, with mayo, dill, celery, roughly chopped almonds and apple chunks. Works well toasted or not.

      I love a good grilled ham and Gruyère sandwich with a pesto-mayo sauce. I usually grill the sandwich and then add the sauce on the ham side once the sandwich is perfectly grilled.

      I prefer using Kerrygold butter to grill my sandwich but did you know you could also use mayo? It really does work.

    4. Kay*

      I’ll mix up the interior, but I’ve found that using a pesto spread, goat cheese, arugula, (and I know you said you don’t like tomatoes but what about sun dried?), an interesting stone ground mustard, or hummus spread as well as cornichons in place of the usual fixings really makes any sandwich more interesting.

      1. Paris Geller*

        It’s funny: I love pesto, goat cheese, & arugula, but I never think to add them to sandwiches!

    5. My Brain is Exploding*

      The best sandwich I ever made was the day after Thanksgiving one year. Really nice seeded bread, toasted. Butter, mayo, thin slices of turkey, lettuce, and cranberry sauce (which was homemade).

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Toast with butter and white miso and some sort of crunchy vegetal element, like cucumbers or sprouts.

    7. AnReAr*

      A regular lunch meat sandwich, just slices of ham and turkey with mayo, but on cinnamon chip bread. I’m not normally a fan of mixing sweet and savory but this about the perfect combination. Cinnamon chip bread is also great for fried or scrambled egg sandwiches.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Chicken chutney curry salad sandwiches!

      There are tons of recipes online, depending on your taste. Mine is adapted from Cuisine magazine: Chicken, cashews, chutney, curry powder, mayonnaise, yogurt, and green onions on brioche with bacon and lettuce.

      From memory (so adjust amounts up or down depending on how much you want to make)

      2 cups shredded cooked chicken breast
      2/3 cup unsalted cashews, chopped
      1 cup mayo
      1 cup plain yogurt (Greek or otherwise will be fine, but no flavoring)
      Salt to taste
      1 Tbsp curry powder
      1/3 cup chutney (mango or regular; I use Major Grey’s)
      1 bunch green onions, chopped fine

      Mix together yogurt, mayo and chutney until well blended. Set aside about one third of the mix for use as spread.

      In remaining mixture, add cashews, curry powder and onions. Mix well. Add chicken. Stir until all of chicken is coated (it’s easy to end up with dry pockets if you don’t check–add a bit more mayo/yogurt if you need more moisture.

      Bake or fry up enough bacon to put 2 good size pieces on each sandwich.

      On slices of brioche, put a thin coating of spread on each slice. Then top with pieces of lettuce (I buy a Living Lettuce and tear off leaves as needed.) Put a thick layer of chicken mix on top of one side, top with bacon. Put second brioche slice on as a lid. Serve with potato chips!

    9. Saddesklunch*

      My go to sandwich is lightly toasted sourdough, mayo, fancy ham, cucumbers, Parmesan cheese, and some lettuce or greens. I occasionally add tomatoes or sliced peppers, also.

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      Cinnamon raisin toast with smoked turkey club sandwich. Candied bacon for the win!

  26. SicktomyStomach*

    Let’s try this again…

    Word games!

    I do several crossword puzzles every day, along with other online work games. I do all of the NY Times games – Strands, Wordle, the mini crossword, the daily crossword, Connections, and the Spelling Bee. I also do the Washington Post crossword, and my local paper, Newsday. Anyone have any other word games they like? I am not a Sudoku person, but I love all kinds of word puzzles.

    1. Bluebell Brenham*

      Encyclopedia Britannica has Quordle and Octordle every day, plus Blossom. When I started Octordle I wasn’t sure if it was too much, but I’ve really gotten to like it.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I like Quordle, and at the same location do Tightrope (trivia) and Missing Letter Crossword (nice size crossword, not too hard).

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        I’ve found myself doing Wonderword in the paper a lot lately. It’s the kind where you circle the letters of words and the final clue is the uncircled letters. It’s very soothing.

      3. heckofabecca*

        I LOVE Octordle. I stopped doing Quordle a few months ago, and I’ve only ever done like… one Wordle.

        I also really like Merriam-Webster’s Missing Letter crosswords—the difficulty level is a good match for my knowledge base! And the more game-like element each week (the ‘missing letters’ from each week can be organized as a seven-letter word) is a nice added touch.

    2. Turtle Dove*

      I love Wafflegame dot net. I find it challenging, and the goofy kudos at the end make me smile. Sometimes I play Connections and Letter Boxed, but I have to be in the right mood for those. My daily go-tos are Waffle, Spelling Bee, and Sudoku with paper and pen.

      1. Nancy Drew*

        I know that you can access the puzzles, except the crossword, without a subscription to the NYT. I do Wordle and Connections everyday, but we cancelled our subscription.

      2. Rosyglasses*

        They have a special on their app I was able to grab – essentially a dollar and change a month for a year!

    5. ecnaseener*

      My favorite wordle variant is Lirdle! It lies to you once per guess. (You get unlimited guesses). I adore it.

      There’s also Squardle, which I think is a name that’s been used by a few different games but I’m talking about the one by fubargames. A wordle variant in a five-by-five square, so ten total words to find.

      And Brailliance, where you guess words based not just on number of letters but also on number of dots when written in braille.

      Outside the realm of wordle variants, I also enjoy Bracket City. Basically you fill in answers to nested bracketed clues to eventually get down to a headline from history. So like, if the final answer includes the word “open,” the clues to get there might look like “[a forthcoming person might be called an __ [what not to judge by its cover]]” — first you have to figure out that the inner clue is “book,” then you see that the blank line is “open.”

    6. Girasol*

      I’m fond of Puzzle Baron puzzles of all sorts. As a word puzzle I’d pick Clueless Crossword. You get a crossword puzzle with three letters filled in – maybe common ones, maybe not – and you have to work out all the rest of the letters to make valid crossing words. Seems pretty challenging to me. Puzzle Baron also has Cryptograms, where you fill in the letters of a quotation knowing only the length of the words and the frequency of the letters in them.

    7. Black Horse*

      I second Waffle (it’s my favorite of all of these), and will add Guess my Word at hryanjones dot com. It’s not really a puzzle at all, but lets me flex my vocabulary muscles.

    8. Venus*

      Minute Cryptic. Even if you have no idea how to do these puzzles, they have a youtube channel that explains them all with one video for each day. Highly recommend!

    10. Retired Fed*

      The Daily Telegraph (UK) has a great puzzles page. Be careful, all the word puzzles use British spellings (colour vs. color).

    11. word nerd*

      I love Pilfer, although I wish I had a friend who liked playing it too. It’s on the Merriam-Webster website. I do the daily “Missing Letter” crossword on M-W too.

      Squaredle is similar to Boggle and a lot of fun!

      1. Jill Swinburne*

        I like Pilfer, too, but getting a bit bored now that I’ve got good at Medium difficulty. I physically can’t type fast enough for the Hard one – the computer will steal your word before you’ve registered what the next letter is.

    12. Hypatia*

      Have you tried Don’t Wordle? Avoid guessing the 5 letter word. it’s harder than one might think!
      Blossom is on the MW site with Quordle. Make up to twelve words ( any length) with the given letters. I like it better than Spelling Bee because it ends in a fixed number of turns.

    13. Retired Vulcan Raises 1 Grey Eyebrow*

      I love the App “WordMaster” because it is old-school Scrabble (without the childish sidegames of the godawful official Scrabble App) with some added options.
      I’ve played several thousand times and I still enjoy multiple games per day.

    14. Blooper*

      It’s been a while, but I enjoyed playing AlphaBear. Unfortunately, it’s not website-based, it’s something you have to download (like from Play Store). The free version contains ads too, but I still had a grand time.

    15. Bethlam*

      Yes to Waffle and Connections. I also like Tiles, but not the NYT version, I like the tiles unlimited version.

      If you’re a Wordle fan, try Phrazle, which has 4 games: a 4 letter, 5 letter, and 6 letter Wordle, then a phrase Wordle.

      1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

        Wordiply, in the Guardian. It supplies 4 letters and you have to come up with the longest word possible containing the letters in that order. For example, the given letters are ‘icoa’ and you come up with ‘petticoat’. If you come up with the longest word compared to all other players, there are fireworks! And if it is a rare longest word, you will get fireworks and be called smartypants.

    16. Always Science-ing*

      Waffle – both the daily version and weekly larger one, Squaredle (the Squaredle[dot]app version – there’s a daily regular and express puzzle, Words for Nerds – like Wordle but more science-y words.

    17. Little Miss Helpful*

      In Apple News + is a word-building game called Quartiles. Put word segments together to create as many words as possible.

    18. Emac*

      One game I like is Thesaurdle – you get a word and need to figure out the mystery synonym they want. I think you get ~6 tries. For example, they give you “agitate” and you guess “annoy” or “disturb”. It will tell you if it’s another synonym of the mystery word. It will also tell you if the word you guess starts with any of the same letters as the mystery word.

  27. Teapot Translator*

    What are you listening to? Let’s hear about the podcasts, radio shows or even albums/playlists you’ve been listening to!

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I listened to season three of A Thorough Examination with Drs Chris and Xand (about exercise). It’s overall interesting but there were some frustrating moments for me. Also, I don’t know how to express my impression, but it seemed to me that their approach to exercise is very gendered? But maybe it’s my own bias? In the more personal parts, they focus a lot on the competition and ego aspects of exercise?

      1. Grey Coder*

        I’ve been listening to this too! I see what you mean about the competition thing but I just take it as an insight into their specific relationship as brothers/twins. I think they expose their own vulnerabilities more than most presenters of shows of this kind.

    2. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Thanks to someone here who recommended the Empire podcast (I think it was in response to a question about Irish history), I’m a bit overwhelmed by where to start with some of the larger series but really enjoyed a couple of the one-off episodes I’ve listened to so far…planning to pick one of the longer series soon!

    3. Forensic13*

      I’m catching up on the Magnus Protocol (spin-off from the Magnus archives) as new episodes start dropping again. And I’m pleased that I’ve finally found something interesting that discusses the French Revolution, a podcast called Grey History. I know some general facts about the insanity that was the French Revolution and I’m baffled how so many of the sources I’ve tried make it so boring. How?? But this guy is doing a decent job.

    4. Jackalope*

      I’m listening to the Vampire the Masquerade live play podcast Canada By Night, put out by Dumb Dumbs and Dice. They’re currently starting the 4th season with the backstory of one of the main characters, and I’m enjoying it a lot. They did backstories for some of the others in previous scenes but they’re getting into it a lot more now and I’m enjoying the depth they’re putting into how Val became who she is.

    5. Past Lurker*

      I’m listening to one or two songs per day of the top 100 hits of 1977. I started because I was looking for a song where I don’t remember the title or lyrics. I do remember the melody, so should recognize it if I find it. I’m enjoying the songs in any case.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Lots of old soundtracks for animes, like Cowboy Bebop and Fooley Cooley.

    7. I take tea*

      I have listened to a podcast called Eleanor and Alasdair Read That, in which two red-headed comedians read old (British) children’s classics. As I like this genre myself, I have enjoyed listening to their discussions. (I follow them both on YouTube, that’s how I found it.)

    8. I take tea*

      I’ve also listened a lot to Mynoise.net, which is a lovely site with both natural nature sounds and made up focus music or cafe noises. It helps a lot when I feel overwhelmed. It’s free, but possible to subscribe, if you want to support it.

    9. Anima*

      Sigur Ròs “Àtta” has been on heavy rotation since December. It’s from 2023, but I just found it in 2024, and it’s the perfect album for me.

    10. Emac*

      Favorite podcast is No Such Thing as a Fish followed by Like Minded Friends. The first is about facts, which sounds dry but they try to find the most unusual and entertaining ways to talk about them. The hosts are the researchers from the British quiz show QI. The second is two comedians who are best friends talking about their lives.

  28. RussianInTexas*

    Just want to know that the second season of Recipes for Love and Murder started on Acorn. I loved the first season so much, I bought the first book.
    A cozy murder show set in a small town in South Africa. The sleuth is a middle aged advice column writer who solves readers issues with food.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I’ve read the first two books in the series and I’m greatly annoyed that the last two are not available here. One day, I’ll sign up for Acorn and watch the series.

      1. Pentapus*

        I don’t know where “here” is for you, but I’m not in the US and watched the first season from a DVD from the library. if you have a player it might be worth looking in to.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          I’m talking about the books. I’m pretty sure the series is available here (Canada).

      2. RussianInTexas*

        The second book is not available in the US in the e-book format anymore, and it’s really annoying.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          In my silly moments, I have thought, “Well one day, I’ll travel to South Africa and buy the books.”

    3. Turtle Dove*

      Isn’t the opening music with food images lush and sensuous? I was admiring it anew the other evening. I like the series a lot too.

  30. *daha**

    The lightweight clumping cat litters claim they have the same number of “clumps” as regular weight clumping litters. I don’t get it. How does half the clay (by weight) absorb as much? Is there science behind this, or just marketing?

    1. Raisineye*

      Not a clay litter, but I really like World’s best cat litter. it’s corn based and quite light weight while also clumping really well. it is a bit dusty, but that’s my biggest complaint. it is more expensive than the clay litter.

  31. Gluten Free Breadmaking Help*

    Does anyone have experience with gluten free machine breadmaking that can help me adapt a recipe?

    I’m having great luck with the King Arthur Gluten Free Sandwich Bread recipe (will link in a comment) in a bread machine. In the interest of saving money on eggs I replaced all four with flax eggs and LOVED the taste. However, the bread didn’t rise much. I’d like to keep the flax taste but get a good rise for future loaves, any tips? Thank you!

      1. Gluten Free Breadmaking Help*

        I used individual packets that were purchased recently from a reputable grocery store, but I didn’t look up a date on it.

    3. Bee*

      My guess would be that you just don’t see as much structural strength with flax as you do with eggs. Subbing flax instead of eggs into my GF peanut butter cookies led to thin crisps instead of nice rounds! But when I add a heaping spoonful of flax to our regular Pamela’s gluten-free bread mix (for better texture) along with the suggested # of eggs, it still gets a fine rise.

    4. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I wonder if they’ve updated the recipe, as it calls for 3 not 4 eggs.

  32. Liminality*

    I sent a well intentioned message to a friend.
    It was not received well.
    I have apologized to the best of my ability.
    I feel terrible, and I’d like to explain my true meaning but since it went so poorly the first time I can only imagine I’d make it worse.
    Have you ever had trouble with the loss of voice inflection through written communication?
    How have you handled the fallout when your intended sentiments were interpreted in a way you didn’t intend?

    1. Kay*

      This is really going to depend on the details, unfortunately. Typically with a good friend, strong relationship and a message of good intention, things should be able to get smoothed over pretty easily.

      Where things get tricky if it was in any way a message that maybe shouldn’t have been said – that will just be digging yourself into a deeper hole.

      For me it is either handled one of 2 ways – in the first case a simple “oh my goodness, I don’t know how I managed to send well wishes that came out so wrong, I’m so sorry!” type message is usually fine for both parties. For the second case (I’m thinking something like your friend lost a lot of weight for medical reasons and you said she looked great) just apologizing, acknowledging you said something crappy and your friend has valid feelings, not making excuses for yourself, and vowing to better is the best course.

      Often though with these situations, it usually isn’t the one instance that is an issue, so I would let the overall relationship guide your response.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Your message wasn’t received well, but how was the apology received? If that wasn’t received well, too, then I’m not sure what you can do. I mean, either you really over-stepped or they really over-reacted.

      In any case, I think the best you can do is circle back, using fewer words rather than more words, and just say that you really regret hurting their feelings, that was never your intention, and that their friendship means a lot to you. Then give it some time.

      1. Liminality*

        The apology was… grudgingly accepted.
        I truly do belive it was a misunderstanding due to a poor choice of words on my part. (As in, the message received was the exact opposite of the one intended.)
        I agree that time is probably the best option for now.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      I think it depends a lot on what kind of message it was–was it bad or unwelcome news in general–like “your partner is cheating”–that they reacted badly to? Or having to tell them that something about them personally is annoying you or causing bad vibes in a friend group, or something else?

      If it’s something like the first thing, they may be shooting the messenger and later be more receptive. I’d let it alone for a bit in any case.

    4. Qwerty*

      Yeah, loss of voice is a huge problem. I think a big way to prevent / heal these situation is have more verbal communication. The same slightly sarcastic text message is going to read differently to me from my mom (witty, fun, trying to get a laugh) than my sister (likely putting me down while hiding it in humor) because I’ll hear it the same tone of voice they use with talking.

      Generally I also find any serious or emotional discussions are not good over text. Everything comes out wrong and we get all wound up in both the writing and reading.

  33. Longer term cat sitting*

    Cat owners – what do you do for cat care for longer vacations? Last year we took a month long trip, and because we were worried our cat would be lonely, hired a cat sitter to stay in our home rather than having someone come and feed the cat every day. Without going into a lot of details, we were not happy with the results and now feel uncomfortable with having someone we don’t know stay in our home. I’m sure we can find a neighbor to come and feed the cat, but does anyone have any better ideas? I’m hesitant to board her because I don’t want her to think we’ve given her away. :(

    1. Roland*

      There aren’t any other options beyond what you’ve listed unfortunately. Someone living there, someone dropping in, or boarding are the options.

      I’ve done housesitting half a dozen times and most experiences were between “ok” and “good”. I think leaving my cats alone except someone dropping in once or twice a day for a whole month would be pretty cruel to my cats, not to mention a pretty big favor.

      1. Longer term cat sitting*

        Yeah, that’s kind of what I expected unfortunately. Just to be clear, with a neighbor coming by – I meant paid, not for free. Mostly someone I might trust more but I understand that even paid could even be an imposition.

    2. Black horse*

      My kid (in high school) does pet sitting of this sort, but the expectation is for them to not only feed the cats, but also hang out with them for an hour or so every day/twice a day, giving attention as asked for by the cat/s. Kid uses the time to do homework or watch some TV and snuggle/play with a kitty for a while. They get paid for it, of course, but not nearly what we pay a professional pet sitter. So if you’ve got local teens who like cats, could be an option?

      1. Sloanicota*

        Yep, as a high schooler I did this job and was actually enthusiastic because the neighbors had cable and we did not, so I would go over and watch a show every night which was a whole hour of kitty time. Pretty good for whatever they paid me, which was not very much as I recall. I don’t know there’s an equivalent option for modern kids though.

        1. Tierrainney*

          my youngest was the pet sitter for at least half the neighborhood. Same as you, she would go and sit, reading, watching TV, or whatever so the pet had company.

          when she left for college she had a lot of keys to return :)

    3. Not A Manager*

      I think this is a bit like hiring a nanny or babysitter. You want the person to get familiar with the situation (and you get familiar with the person) before you leave them alone with your loved one. If you can find a retired person, an older teen, or a college student that you can essentially pay to come over and make friends with your cat while you’re around, you might feel better about that person coming to hang out with the cat when you’re gone. They can stay over or not, whatever makes sense.

    4. California Dreamin’*

      I’m also facing this as we will be away for three weeks this summer. We’ve left the cats for a period of maybe ten days at the longest, and we have a trusted professional sitter that has cared for them numerous times before. We typically pay her to come twice a day for an hour each time. She feeds and scoops litter and plays with them, and they love her. But I’m super worried about the length of time. We really wouldn’t want a stranger staying in the house (our sitter doesn’t do overnights.). She did tell me that she once sat for a single cat while his person was away for a month and the cat was perfectly okay. So I’m just choosing to think it’ll be fine.

    5. till Tuesday*

      It took many years, but in pur previous city we eventually found someone we trusted to live-in cat sit. Now we’ve moved and are basically resigned to not taking vacations.

    6. Hyaline*

      Is there a neighborhood teenager who might be willing to do more than “come in and feed kitty” without actually staying there? I used to pet sit for neighbors and family friends and would spend extra time with the pet (if the pet wanted the company). Like Black Horse said, I’d read or do homework (sweeten the pot by stocking the pantry with snacks).

      But FWIW–our cats have always been fine provided they’ve got their food and water and litter needs cared for. They like having their space, so wouldn’t like being boarded, and two of four could literally give zero craps if another human is here to spend time with them; the other two might grow to prefer it but are fine without.

    7. Sloanicota*

      If it’s more than ten days, I take the cat to the house of a person they know who is happy to have a cat (and pay that person). I know it’s stressful for cats to move, but at least on a longer trip I think they settle in and get comfortable vs only getting someone coming in briefly every day.

        1. Newboomsall*

          Many of our friends have used TrustedHousesitters for longer trips. We have not taken the longer trip we planned for last year so we didn’t use them, but I have friends who both do the sitting and who needs sitters and they’ve all been very pleased.

          It’s a service where no Money changes hands, but the sitters get to live for an extended period at your home. I get that it would be ripe for all kinds of problems, but if we take the trip, we plan this fall. I think we will use them.

          You have the option to meet the people or not, and I would only choose an option where I met the people and could get them themselves.

    8. Might Be Spam*

      Do you have a family member or friend that the cat is comfortable with? The cat could stay at their home. My grandkitty comes over a couple of times a year to visit me when my daughter travels. He seems pretty comfortable at my place and I like having a part time cat.

    9. Soft clothes for life*

      Our cat sitter has an option “hang out with your cat,” that is cheaper than a regular visit. The idea is that on days you pay for a full visit, they’ll come back later in the day to do some admin work (billing/payroll/new client inquiries) on the couch and snuggle with the cat at the same time. We’ve used that option and have come back to happy cats. If we had known teens nearby, we’d probably ask them, but this option worked well. Maybe your regular sitter would offer this option if you suggested it.

    10. Squidhead*

      Re: boarding…my dad had to board two cats during an intercontinental move in 2020 that got much delayed by the pandemic and the destination country not accepting animals (long story obviously!) So it turned out to be several months of boarding, and now that they are all reunited everyone is fine. I’m sure it took the cats some time to get acclimated to the humans again, not to mention to a whole new house, but they don’t seem to have rejected the humans over it.

    11. HipsandMakers*

      I have never actually been away for that long a period of time, but my older cat has needed some specific medications in the last couple of years, so I now plan for in-home care for any trip around a week.

      For the most recent trip, I asked for recommendations from my vet’s office and hired one of the techs. It did *not* prevent my cat from being grumpy and resistant to getting medication, but she was able to handle him regardless and I knew he wasn’t alone. And I knew that the tech would know exactly who to contact if there had been an emergency.

      He got back into his routine quickly when I got home, so I would say it was worth it.

    12. StrayMom*

      We hire a cat sitter to come at least every other day – Binx is pretty independent and doesn’t seem to mind being left alone for a day or so. When we have had to board him, he sometimes refuses to eat, so I try to avoid that when I can.
      He went missing for 3 weeks at Christmas time, and was found at a large home improvement store about 14 miles from our house – we think he must have hitched a ride in my husband’s truck. We got him back when an employee finally caught him and took him to her vet to have him scanned. We joke now that if our sitter can’t come, we’ll just drop him off at Lowes.

    13. cat staff*

      When I knew I needed to board my cat, I started boarding her overnight randomly to get her used to it, so because she knew I was always coming back from that crazy place, she relaxed much faster.

  34. Isabella*

    Stay or go – Grade 12 kid going to university this fall.

    Context-not in the US where I think going away for Uni may be more common.

    17 year old has acceptances at several places and can’t decide between staying at home or moving away (2-4 hour flight away depending on which school). All schools are roughly equivalent in program/ranking/size/cost. Any advice or guiding questions? Living at home vs residence? If at home, how to encourage independence? Anyone been in this situation? All help gratefully received!

        1. Generic Name*

          Well, then it’s gotta be their decision. You can offer opinions if they ask for advice. And I say this as the parent of an 18 year old senior, going to college in the fall. For a long time he wanted to pursue one career path that I personally didn’t think was right for him. I didn’t say anything to him, because it’s his future and his decision. He eventually decided to pursue another career and is going to an in-state school in the metro area we live in. All his choice.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Does student have the common sense to be able to handle day to day life on their own? Get themselves up and around on time, feed themselves reasonably and regularly under whatever programs are available, do laundry and shower regularly, know how to handle their choices between partying and school obligations, make decent choices as far as things like dating/sex, friendships, drugs/alcohol etc? Will they need to work or will support be provided? If the latter, are they trustworthy to be responsible?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        These are important factors to consider whether they go or stay, but if the answer is “no, if they aren’t living at home they’ll live on chocolate bars and ramen, spend all their money on weed and rotgut, and flunk out of school,” then they probably shouldn’t be encouraged to go do that without some further development time.

        1. Buni*

          I realise there are probably financial dimensions to this, so obviously ymmv, but I’d say moving away from home to uni is the exact time you learn things like ‘living on chocolate and ramen will make you ill’, ‘skip work and you’ll be allowed to fail’, basic financial sense etc. Spend the 6 months before filling in any holes in their how-t0-do-laundry / sensible-grocery-shopping / budgeting skills, but then release them into the wild. Uni should not just be about academis learning…

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Fair – my point was more, are they at a point where they will actually learn the lesson or just flail helplessly.

    3. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Honestly, this is the time to step back and let them make their own choice. If they *specifically ask* for help, ask questions to get them thinking. If it’s just “waaaahhhhhhh can’t decide” you need to step back and make them step up and decide. Sometimes the “can’t decide” is just being afraid to make adult decisions. But they NEED to make those decisions for themselves. The time of mom & dad telling them what to do ends, and college is the time for it to end.
      (I’m the parent of 4 adult kids who all had a “can’t decide, just tell me what to do” phase around that same time. We made it through. You and your kid will too.)

    4. Bee*

      Re: encouraging independence (speaking as an older sibling who had a younger sibling transition into adult life as a roommate)

      Talking through & setting reasonable expectations on both sides was crucial. For instance, there was no curfew and they did not have to tell me where they were going or who they would be with. That was their business . BUT if sibling would be gone overnight, they were expected to inform me as a safety courtesy so I didn’t freak out in the morning thinking they might have been in a car accident. Occasionally it meant a midnight text when a movie ran late at a friend’s house and they decided to just sleepover – but that still counted!

      They chipped in some grocery money and I did most of the shopping & cooking. They were welcome to eat with my family, and I’d make sure there was enough dinner for everyone if they let me know in advance they’d be eating with us. BUT if they hadn’t RSVP’d and the food ran short, they were expected to fix a sandwich or something for themself instead. Plus they had their own kitchen cabinet & pantry shelf, so they could practice cooking independently whenever they felt like it.

      Overall it was a great experience for both of us and it really did work well for them as a bridge between living with mom & dad as a kid, to living independently as an adult.

    5. Samwise*

      Whatever the decision, remember that it’s not irrevocable. If they stay at home and later decide they want more independence, they can move on campus or get an apt (sharing with roommates). If they go away and dislike it, they can transfer back to a school near home.

      As long as they’re performing reasonably well academically, transferring schools is quite doable.

      You can get a good college education at many many schools. If the first one doesn’t “fit,” go to another. (Figure out why the first one is a poor fit though!)

      1. Isabella*

        Thank you to all who commented. We are definitely leaving it up to him and have said we support whatever he chooses. He is fairly responsible and could likely handle being away The crux of the problem is that he just doesn’t know which way he is leaning….likely because all options would be fine in the end. Samwise – I liked your comment especially and agree that it can feel overly high stakes when in reality, “it’s not irrevocable.”

    6. Grits McGee*

      Obviously this is something kid will figure out on their own, so I’m just writing this out to share with kid in case they find it helpful. (My experience is in the US, and I ended up going to a school that was 8 hours away from home.)

      1. I’m assuming “staying at home” means living in the family home and commuting to classes daily, rather than staying in your town but living in dorms? Because if the latter is an option, that might be a good compromise if kid is worried about living on their own.

      2. Another thing to consider is the culture of each college- living on campus at a college where a lot of the students are local/commuters would potentially be very lonely. On the other hand, I went to a small school where almost everyone lived in dorms, and I think students that didn’t or went home every weekend really missed out on a lot of the benefits and culture of that particular school.

      3. Where does kid want to live, long-term? One thing I noticed with my high school friends- although we all said we wanted to get out of [hometown], the people who went to the big state university in [hometown] are all still there, or didn’t move away until several years after graduation. Those of us who went away for college didn’t return to [hometown]. This is just my opinion, but I do think it’s much harder to leave your hometown if you stayed local for college- it’s where all of your education, work, social, romantic connections are located, and you haven’t had the experience of the big social/geographic change that relocating for school at 17/18.

      4. Kid might find this exercise helpful- flip a coin, heads=stay at home and tails=live at school. After the coin flip, how does kid feel? Relived? Unhappy? (I think I saw this in an episode of Friends, so it’s totally vetted… /s)

      5. How hard will it be for kid to travel home from the non-local schools? If kid has a car, could they theoretically make the drive home themselves? Is there enough money to fly home for visits multiple times a year (if kid wanted to), or would you only be able to afford a couple flights a year?

      If kid were directly asking me, I would advise at least trying the “go” option. At least from what I’ve seen, it’s much easier to start far away and then come home, than to start at home and move away.

    7. Anono-me*

      Since they are so close, can the student visit the schools being considered? Different schools have very different philosophies and energies. There may be a school that just ‘feels right’.

      1. Anono-me*

        Also, assuming living at home saves money: will the money be needed for grad school or later life expenses?

  35. Verily*

    Photo storage options question: All our photos are either online on flicker.com or on our computers. Flicker costs $80 / yr and I have multiple accounts. I’d like to make albums of the best photos for various people and put the rest on a storage device so I can get rid of some of the flicker accounts. What media is the best for photo storage? Thumb drive? Stand alone hard drive? One of those photo frames? I’d like something that would still be around in a decade or longer if possible. Bonus if you have recommendation for the best photo book printing place. Thank you!

    1. Reba*

      We went to Adobe Lightroom – it’s still a subscription plan but decided it was better to have the photo management and the backup together. We also have our computer hard drives back up automatically to an external drive (NAS) – this is not for photography as such but all our data. Hard drives that you sync manually also work great. Make sure to choose ones that have fast data transfer, something you can get at Best Buy or whatever will be just fine.

      I have used Blurb for printing albums and calendars. I’ve heard people like Mixam.

    2. Hatchet*

      I’ve used flash/thumb drives to download pictures, but I’m sure that’s not the best option.

      For photo books, etc, I used Mpix a few years ago for my wedding album and was really happy with them. They have a pretty good rotation of sales, so if you aren’t in an urgent rush for a type of product, wait a few weeks/months for a sale.

    4. SophieChotek*

      I use a solid state 4TB drive to back-up my photos. (Which I keep in my little fire-box.)
      For making photo albums I’ve enjoyed Blurb (I work on them on my own time, then let them sit there until a 50% off sale, as none of my projects are urgent).
      Used Shutterfly too.
      Have not tried some of other options mentioned…

  36. Blue wall*

    What’s something that you’ve noticed personal growth in?

    I was on a date this afternoon with someone who is a Great Match on Paper. He shared his feelings about a situation in which I have a totally different perspective. In the past I would have been so excited about the potential of the relationship that I would have kept my views quiet and agreed with him. Today I said that I see it differently – and while I didn’t detail out every view of mine, I said it confidently and without shying away. As I was leaving the date I reflected how grateful I am to have had the date so that I know I can use my voice!

    1. LBD*

      What a great thing to realise about yourself! I would feel so much more confident about expressing myself after an encounter like that.
      I have learned to speak up if I want something to change in a relationship, and to recognise my acceptance of a situation if I have chosen not to speak. Sometimes just knowing that I have made a choice is enough for small annoyances to remain very small.

    2. Roland*

      Still a WIP, but I’m much better at smalltalk than I used to be. Younger me would be proud.

    3. Life Resets At 65*

      I now believe that I deserve to have boundaries and recognize healthy ones. It makes noticing boundary violations and other warning signs a lot quicker and I feel more secure in myself so I can avoid toxic people instead of letting myself be treated like a doormat.
      I noticed some warning signs and by the time the red flags appeared, I was prepared. It’s disappointing that he wasn’t the person I thought he was, but I’m ok and at peace with moving on. A few years ago I would have bent over backwards trying to give him the benefit of the doubt instead of recognizing the truth.

  37. Purple stapler*

    We’re pretty much on the 5th anniversary of the covid lockdowns here in the US. What *GOOD* things came out of the pandemic for you in your personal life?

    For me, it’s normalization of grocery delivery. I hate grocery shopping. Doing it on my phone is fabulous. Zoom and the like for library seminars, hobby groups, etc. I used to belong to a group that had meetings on a weeknight a good 90 minute drive away (due to traffic). Now they offer a Zoom option as well as in person meeting.

    1. Not That Jane*

      Zoom dance class with a beloved teacher in a city where I no longer live! My family lost several loved ones to the pandemic so it can feel weird to acknowledge good things, but that dance class has been such a gift in my life the last 5 years. I just wish I had the energy and time to go more often. :-/

        1. Might Be Spam*

          Judith’s Virtual Events Calendar has a lot of dance and music related events. (link in reply)
          It really kept me busy during lockdown. It has virtual and in-person events. I can still find multiple zoom dances almost every day and most of them are free.

    2. Laggy Lu*

      My husband and I have discussed how not hard it was for us to be together 24/7. Like we really just enjoy each other’s company. Obviously we are totally privileged to WFH and invest in our house to make it comfortable for us to be here, but looking back – it was kinda…great.
      And, we had to let our dog, who I had since 2008, go in 2022. He had the benefit of us around pretty much 24/7 for the last 2 years of his life, and I am glad we didn’t have to leave him home alone a lot so we could go to work, towards the end.

    4. California Dreamin’*

      My job, which is freelance, became possible and legal to do remotely where before it had to be in person. I was remote only for 2021 and 2022, and now I have a mix of in person and WFH days, which are such a gift.

      My oldest child had graduated college in 2019 and was hired at his dream job in March 2020. He moved back in with us to be part of our little Covid family unit, which we all thought would be for a couple months until the new company reopened their offices and he would relocate across the country. Well… that never happened, his job stayed fully remote, and he lived with us for two years before moving out again to his own apartment (but still in our city.) So I got two more precious years with all my kids at home under our roof.

    5. Paris Geller*

      Telehealth becoming more accessible. I know it was around before, but not nearly to the degree it is now. My doctor’s office adopted telehealth during the pandemic and now they offer both virtual & in-person appointments. There are times when I know in person is best, but if it’s something small but still needs non-emergent medical attention it’s great to not have to take so much time out of my day.

      1. Purple Stapler*

        Yes, this! I’ve even done teleheath in the middle of the night when very sick with what turned out to be bronchitis.

      2. Part Time Lab Tech*

        Telehealth and e-prescriptions are great. Very convenient except for paying afterwards as I like to EFTPOS everything on my debit card.

      3. Telehealth*

        But all the places here backed down on it and have mostly gone back to wanting or requiring solely onsite care. Are you still finding regular support?

    6. Pam Adams*

      My students love advising meetings over Zoom. Sharing screens is an easy way to review records or teach something.

    7. Pickles*

      As a working parent in this time it was total hell. I feel like all of the structure dropped out of our lives and I’ve never been able to get a handle on electronics again. It all is a sucky memory

        1. Sitting Pretty*

          I’m so sorry, Pickles. It was such a horrible time and it sounds like it hit your family particularly hard. I imagine it might be tough to hear others sharing positive experiences from such a difficult chapter.

        2. Middle Aged Lady*

          It was horrid for me, too. My sister-in-law died of COVID, my dad got it and none of us could travel to help, (he survived) my spouse was working out of town and we went 5 months without seeing each other. I had a heart attack and was afraid for my spouse to come down to see me for fear he would get it/infect me. His nephew was living with me and lost his job and spiralled downward during lockdown. I was so incredibly lonely, frightened and angry at the people who didn’t take it seriously that some days I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I think I still have a lot of unprocessed trauma from it, and that our society does as well. No conveniences can ever make up for it.

      2. A*

        Hell is an accurate description.

        The impacts lockdowns had on kids are well documented. It’s backed up with a lot of data, educational and medical. What I find surprising is how many people ignore or dismiss the sacrifices of children.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Eliminating checks at Place That Must Not Be Named! Checks had been an annoyance for years but we had a group of dedicated check-writing customers. With the advent of no contact delivery switching to cards only became the norm in general and made it much, much easier to instigate.

    9. Esprit de l'escalier*

      I can think of two positive things that came out of Covid for me. One, after I stopped going to the gym, I started walking outdoors, which I hadn’t done for years (had walked in the gym as well as worked out on resistance machines), and that has continued, and so has my home workout. Two, personal-use Zoom has been great in many ways, although it’s true that in-person is often a superior experience, depending on the situation, but the Zoom option lets me participate in activities that it would be hard to get to in person.

    10. Llellayena*

      My husband! We started our relationship long distance just before Covid so having absolutely no weekend obligations meant we actually got to spend more time together than if the world was normal.

    11. Anon for this*

      Everything.

      Don’t get me wrong, it also really sucked. I was the principal of a small independent school trying desperately to stay afloat. I never had a “pod” and lived alone through most of it, which was incredibly difficult. And, obviously, I don’t want to minimize the millions of deaths and many millions more who live with long COVID.

      But for me? My whole life changed for the better. The first few months of lockdown with my ex, who had severe, untreated OCD along with a host of other challenges, finally motivated to leave a bad relationship. I got divorced. That allowed the last five amazing years of my life to happen. I promised myself that I would embrace life as much as I could given the restrictions. That I would center my life around connection rather than isolation (at first that meant socially distanced walks with masks on). Now, I live in an apartment I love, in a city I love, with a rich network of friends. Once things started opening up, I blasted through most of my bucket list. I did everything and went everywhere. I then had a baby on my own, and my parents moved to my metro area at least partially because the political situation in Texas during COVID freaked them out, so they see him every week. My life had been stuck and small for a very long time, and now it’s big.

      1. Still*

        That sounds wonderful, and is a lovely way to put it. Well done on creating a big, beautiful life for yourself.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Mine wasn’t quite as drastic, but my personal worst outcome was having to cancel a couple of vacations. Otherwise, I already WFH full time, I love the increased options for delivery, and I was a homebody who was always looking for excuses not to socialize in person before. I never caught it (or if I did it was asymptomatic) and nobody I knew who caught it had a bad case or lasting issues (but I also cut off any anti-vaxers who popped up in my friend circle, we were all “stab me as soon as possible and as often as recommended” types).

    12. Nicki Name*

      Losing my commute meant gaining the mental energy to become more engaged in my hobby community.

    13. Minnie*

      Working from home meant I got to spend a LOT of time with my sweet cat, for which I was immensely grateful because she died towards the end of of COVID.

      Also it made a huge difference to my work life because my job instituted flex time. I have terrible insomnia and it allowed me to work at night and sleep parts of the day.

    14. allathian*

      A decent home office setup. I’ve been able to WFH occasionally since 2014, but I rarely did that because it meant working on our dining room table with just the laptop. Now I have a good screen, a full-size clicky keyboard and a mouse.

      I’m also very, very lucky in that only one member of my extended family (a diabetic cousin) was hospitalized and she recovered fully, and I didn’t know anyone who died personally.

      I’m glad the world’s opened up again but Covid’s still here and it won’t be going away anytime soon. My close coworker’s been on sick leave for two weeks with it, meaning more work for me and some delays and heavy prioritization as I can’t do all of her work as well as mine.

    15. The OG Sleepless*

      Getting used to Instacart. I still don’t use it very much at home, but I love it when I’m traveling: instead of running back out to navigate a strange grocery store in a strange town, I have everything delivered.

      Other than that, Covid was a terrible time: I was an in-person worker with a tripled workload, an awkward work setup, and over-the-top cranky clients. I was terrified every day of being exposed and bringing the virus home. I went through menopause during that time and gained a bunch of weight, partly from grabbing fast food anytime I had 5 minutes to eat, and I’ve never been able to lose it.

    16. o_gal*

      Wearing of masks when YOU are the one who is sick, because you don’t want to spread it around.

      I visited Japan in the early 90s and people were wearing masks when they themselves were sick, so they could still go to work/school/outside and wouldn’t infect other people. I wished for years that the US would adopt that attitude. It took a pandemic, but I often see people at work/school/outside doing that now. They’re not sick enough to stay home, so the mask allows them to be out with other people. I only wish it was more widespread.

    17. Raia*

      So many things! I got my cat and my house during COVID, paid off all student debt, made a bunch of friends online that I’ve since met several times IRL who have raised the bar for people I’m willing to be friends with in my town.

    18. RLC*

      Adopting our youngest cat. Her humans died in late 2020 and her expected caregiver apparently abandoned her (and a dozen other cats). Through a fortunate set of circumstances she was rescued and fostered along with the rest of her kitty-family and we adopted her in Spring 2021. Took a year to gain the confidence of this sweet and very traumatized little girl, and she’s become the most snuggly little teddy bear of a cat we’ve ever had. (Pick her up, and the automatic purring-and-cooing-and-air biscuits function is activated. Utterly adorable.)

    19. Bibliovore*

      Zoom 12 step meetings. Work from home at my own discretion.
      I know the question is what *good*
      But it would be impossible to answer that without noting that my husband died during it.
      The good was that unbeknownst to me at the time was that we spent the last year of his life “locked down together.” We found joy and laughter amidst the fear and anxiety together.

      That time will always be colored by anxiety and grief. As a former New Yorker, I knew more than a dozen people who died from it before there were vaccines.

  38. Plaidless*

    Can anyone recommend creams, lotions, or ointments that will fade angry red scars? I used a good quality silicone scar gel on two spots that were biopsied last summer. While the skin is now nice and smoothly textured, it’s still the color of a fresh burn, and it’s very unsightly.

    1. Maestra*

      I had surgery last spring and once my incision healed enough to use it, I got Mederma PM Intensive Overnight Scar Cream. I wish I had taken before pictures so I could really compare, but it worked really well. My scar is not invisible, but it is a lot less noticeable to anyone who isn’t me and knows that it’s there. It’s a little expensive, but I think it was worth it.

      1. Kay*

        Seconding Mederma – I’ve had it recommended by my dermatologist and aesthetician. Time is also going to reduce the redness, it takes a while but it will get there.

      2. Chaordic One*

        I’ve also had good luck with Mederma. In my case, while the scar faded from being red it is now white and it does not seem to have any pigment or color to it. The scar is usually covered by clothing though and I have a pale complexion so when the scar is uncovered it isn’t particularly noticeable unless you really look at it.

    2. Reba*

      I would try something with a strong % Vitamin C (choose a good stable formula) and/or azelaic acid. It will take forever :(
      If it’s really stubborn may be worth a consult with a dermatologist on laser treatment options.

    3. Fabio*

      I’m intrigued for answers too. I have angry surgery scars; my derm said laser was my best option moving forward.

  39. fhqwhgads*

    Plain ol’ vaseline. Rub it on the scar for a solid 5 minutes daily for two weeks.

  40. Can't Sit Still*

    I stayed at the hotel with the perfect accessible shower, except for it being incredibly dark. Why don’t hotel rooms have lights anymore? Anyway, I’m inspired and know what I want to do when I renovate the bathroom.

    My question is: What is a good way to find contractors who are comfortable and skilled with accessible renovations? Or aging in place renovations? I want it to look nice when it’s finished, not like a hospital.

    1. Purple Stapler*

      I would ask your doctor or maybe someone at your local senior agency if they have names for contractors who do accessible renovations. I hear radio ads occasionally for one in my area.

    2. Reba*

      You might look for a designer first who has experience with this. There is a certification for an Aging in Place Specialist but I don’t know that having that credential is necessary, as much as a pro who is experienced with accessible or universal design principles. Depending on the scope, designers can coordinate the contractor bidding process and other parts of project management.

    3. WellRed*

      Home modification or accessibility are your keywords and agree with Reba’s suggestion as well for that cert. places that sell grab bars and stairlifts may do this or work with a contractor who does.

    4. Bibliovore*

      I renovated my ground floor bathroom with an eye towards accessibility and aging in place.
      Met with the designer and noted my priorities.
      Japanese soaking tub.
      no threshold shower.
      grab bars EVERYWHERE.
      Ease of cleaning.
      Turns out you can reinforce every wall for the grab bars.
      Turns out grab bars can be “hidden everywhere.
      The toilet paper holder is a grab bar.
      The shower sprayer mount is a grab bar.
      Every towel rack is a grab bar.

    5. Wolf*

      There’s the pessimistic rumour that hotels are dimly lit to hide that no room is ever perfectly clean…

      I tend to carry an LED lightbulb when I travel. I’m just over trying to read my nightly book chapter under a dim bedside lamp.

  41. Annie Edison*

    Looking for app recommendations:

    My sisters and I are doing a collaborative workout challenge, where we set a goal as a group and reward ourselves for meeting it. I need some way for us to track number of workouts jointly- like a group-accessible habit tracker maybe? or a family chore chart I could adapt?

    I would usually use google sheets for this type of thing, but I have tried and failed numerous times to get my family on board with joint spreadsheets for planning in the past, so I’m hoping maybe there are some other options out there that are even easier to use? We are a mix of apple and android users and live in different states, so needs to be accessible across both platforms.

    Priority is on cheap/free, with visually pleasing interface and ease of use. We are all the type of brain that is easily motivated by things like check boxes and stickers, but also somewhat easily overwhelmed if there are too many steps to check things off

    1. Pharmgirl*

      Tody is a chore app but you can assign family members and difficulty, and track history of each completion. So you can have a workout repeat daily for each of you/assigned to you, and see when it’s been completed.

  42. Southern Violet*

    What are your favorite things to do, read, watch, or listen to in order to destress from the world? I watch a lot of sports podcasts and shows – New Heights, Not Gonna Lie, First Things First, Sports Center and Pardon the Interruption. I listen to a lot of rock and metal music, watch low-stakes anime or costume drama like Downton Abbey. I spend time with my people. I read dark academia, gothic fantasy and horror romance – and lighter romances. I spend time with my cats. I also try to follow the annoying but true good advice to sleep, eat well, etc.

    What do y’all do?

    1. Part Time Lab Tech*

      I read a lot of well moderated blogs and listen to podcasts and non snarky happy music. Sometimes I’ll get a comfort read from the library.

    2. ElastiGirl*

      I watch shows on Dropout. (This is a streaming service that evolved from College Humor, if you remember that.) These are all phenomenally funny unscripted shows, and they make me laugh, no matter how dark the world is. CW: There’s a lot of vulgar language, sex humor, drug humor. But each episode has me howling with laughter, and that’s so de-stressing and even healing. My favorite shows are Game Changer and Make Some Noise.

    4. Wolf*

      The good old “touch grass” works best for me. I don’t have a garden, so I go for walks or jogging, with breaks of sitting in the grass or in a forest.

  43. Rainy Saturday*

    Where do you shop? Not for groceries or clothes, but for things like printer ink, cosmetics, personal care items, small household goods, etc. etc. There are many reasons not to shop at Amazon, Target, and Walmart, yet the latter two are close to home and all three have most of those kinds of things that I need/want, and in one place. (And Amazon sometimes has things that I can’t find somewhere else – like a specific makeup that I can’t find in a brick-and-mortar store.)

    1. RussianInTexas*

      Ulta, Walgreens, CVS, local large grocery store for the personal/beauty items, Office Depot for the office supplies, clothes, shoes, tea – directly from the brand websites.
      I am lucky to live in the area with the abundance of the “ethnic” grocery stores, so I can always find someone more specialized, like the curry paste brand I prefer or the Polish pickles.

      1. Rainy Saturday*

        I find Walgreens to be quite expensive and the grocery stores near me don’t have the things I want. No CVS nearby.

    2. talos*

      I swear by eBay for anything electronic. Items still in shrink for cheaper than anywhere else.

      For non-electronic I mostly shop on Amazon while feeling gross about it… sigh

      1. RussianInTexas*

        One thing I just cannot find on non-Amazon. Canned fish like mackerel and sardines in the exact form I want in the large enough packs. The brands don’t sell directly, and grocery stores sell by one tin.

        1. Nancy Drew*

          I know Costco sells multi-packs of sardines, but I can’t think of anyplace that has really large cans. Maybe they’re too delicate to pack by the quart?

          1. RussianInTexas*

            I checked Costco and their range is pretty limited, for what I am looking for (leaked in water, no added salt, etc). I am not in the immediate need, and will investigate more, but dang Amazon makes it so easy.

          2. Peanut Hamper*

            Check your local Mexican store. They often sell large oval cans of sardines in tomato sauce.

        2. Kay*

          I would try to contact your grocery stores to see if they will sell to you in bulk. I know at minimum Sprouts will do this, and others will too.

    3. RussianInTexas*

      While waiting for my other comment to show up, yes, Amazon makes things incredibly convenient. I am making a conscious effort to decouple my shopping from them, and it absolutely takes more time and sometimes money.

    4. WellRed*

      I’d love to know! I get lots of cosmetics and beauty products from CVS or Sephora but there are some things easier at Target. I tried sourcing paper towels etc today elsewhere with mixed success (regional overstock type of store), office supplies and printer ink at staples. I’m determined to break with Target

      1. Double A*

        I buy our toilet paper, tissues, paper towels, and garbage bags from Who Gives a Crap and am very happy with them. Products are made from recycled materials and they donate some profits to good causes.

        1. Lady Alys*

          +1 for Who Gives a Crap – their bamboo TP is lovely and it’s so nice to have the big box show up on the doorstep every six months – no wrestling those giant packages into my cart at Costco.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m gradually moving away from Target and doing more shopping at Meijer, which is a Midwestern regional big box style store, a tiny bit classier than Walmart but not as bourgeois as Target wants to be.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I get a lot of that stuff at Costco. And some of it I do get on Amazon, reluctantly, because the stores near me either don’t carry the exact product I want, or they keep them locked up and it’s difficult or impossible to get someone to unlock them.

    7. Qwerty*

      Meijer is my starting point (large grocery store chain in my area) if I live in an area with one. If I can’t find it there, I’ll go to a more specific store like Best Buy / Staples / Office Max for printer ink, Sally’s Beauty for hair stuff, etc. If you have a free day to browse, check out the strip malls in your area to remind yourself of what stores are around, I find the hard part is remembering where I used to buy stuff before the world went online.

      When I was in a bigger city without easy access to the large stores in the suburbs, I did resign myself to Target and Amazon with a sprinkling of CVS. Sometimes stores like Marshalls / TJ Max were useful for small home goods though selection was inconsistent. If you are in a place like that, maybe check out NextDoor or Facebook to see if there are any local people talking about where to shop that is local?

    8. crookedglasses*

      Historically I’ve gotten a lot of that stuff from Target but I’m planning to get a Costco membership soon. I live alone so truly don’t want or need Costco volumes of anything, but I’ve got a couple of friends that I think I can go splitsies with to make it more practical

      I also do a fair bit of shopping at my local co-op. It’s way spendier but I do feel good about supporting them, broadly. There’s also a local bulk store that has things like detergent that I’ve been meaning to check out.

    9. Clisby*

      Staples for printer cartridges (also for some small household goods); grocery store or drug store for personal care items; local hardware store (not just for hardware; they carry small kitchen and household appliances, plants, etc.) I rarely go to Target or Walmart because neither is near me. Haven’t given up Amazon, though.

    10. Lady Alys*

      I’ve switched all my vitamin purchases from Amazon to Vitacost (owned by Kroger), and some are even cheaper, so yay? I’m now looking to source the 3-4 Cerave items that make up my extremely minimal skin care routine, and that I’ve previously gotten from Target – Vitacost sells some but not all.

    11. Wolf*

      My new year’s resolution for 2025 was not to use Amazon. In my part of the world, it’s flooded with bootleg items, and deliveries are either late or your items were packed in a plastic bag and arrive broken. So they had already ruined the “get everything delivered tomorrow and with good customer service” that we used to enjoy.

      What I do: I find the exact name of the product I need, and use online price-comparison tools to find the best source. Often, hey’re even more affordable than Amazon.

      For offline stores, I try to use small family-owned stores. That has led to finding interesting new foods. Unfortunately, it means I need to take public transport to town, so I understand that not everyone has time for that. Within my village, I have found two bakeries, a farm that makes cheese and ice cream, a beekeeper, and several places that sell seasonal vegetables and fruit. So I was fortunate and it even improved my eating habits.

  44. Forrest Rhodes*

    Thanks very much to whoever recommended the book “The Ride of Her Life: The True Story of a Woman, Her Horse, and Their Last-Chance Journey across America,” by Elizabeth Letts. Once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down until I finished it, and am looking forward to the second reading. What a great, amazing, strong woman Annie Wilkins was.

    In exchange, though it’s in a completely different field, let me recommend the 2023 book “Once Upon a Tome: The misadventures of a rare bookseller, wherein the theory of the profession is partially explained, with a variety of insufficient examples,” by Oliver Darkshire. (And yes, that’s the complete title.) It’s a fascinating, informative, and frequently hilarious view of the rare-book business, written by someone who was personally involved in the business from the lowest levels up and one who is a master at telling his story.

    1. GoryDetails*

      I *love* Once Upon a Tome – it’s quite hilarious, with such a delicious atmosphere of bookstore-chaos that I felt as if I were adventuring in a very strange land indeed. Definitely recommended.

      1. GoryDetails*

        The US hardcover edition (ISBN: 978-1324092070) has a Victorian-style cover, derived from an actual 1892 book, Songs About Life, Love and Death by Anne Reeve Aldrich, with some additional little touches – such as the owl at the top – tying the image to Darkshire’s prose. (The UK edition that I got has a very colorful cover-image, a scene from the bookstore itself with lots of little items that feature in the book.)

    4. Forrest Rhodes*

      So happy to find there are other Once Upon a Tome fans; often, when I recommend a book, all I get in response is blank looks.

      I’m thinking we should have a t-shirt: “Tome Aficionados Unite!” Not sure exactly *why* we should unite, but it sounds good; and if I can think up a good reason, I’ll let you know! :)

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re T-shirts: I actually own one that says “Books: helping introverts avoid conversation since 1454.” While it’s largely true for THIS introvert, I was pleasantly surprised to have someone approach me about it while we were both waiting in line at a favorite Maine diner – apparently the “love that shirt!” feeling overrode our respective introversion enough to have a brief public chat!

  45. I heard it both ways*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread. Please feel free to post on the Friday work thread.

  46. Bluebell Brenham*

    Just learned that a close friend’s husband just passed away unexpectedly. I called her today to give my condolences and asked if she wanted me to come to the funeral (Weds), or to come spend time with her afterwards. She said she definitely wants me to come to the funeral. I know that her BFF will be there through the weekend, plus her sister is coming, and her husband’s family. So now I’m wondering how long I should stay. It’s a 4 hour flight and not cheap, plus I’ll need to book a hotel. I don’t love traveling and staying alone, but does leaving midday Thursday make me a bad friend? (Friday airline ticket is hundreds of dollars more.) We usually end up seeing each other about once a year, and have known each other about 35 years.

    1. Maryn*

      My first thought is that she’s covered for the period after the funeral and may not need additional support from you.

      Might you consider arriving before the funeral, perhaps Monday night or early Tuesday, helping her be ready for it (and any gathering afterward), and leave Thursday, when she’ll still have others there to support her?

      It’s not unusual for the day-of to be difficult for the widow, and you might be able to ease that by helping her get everything ready that can be done in advance the day before.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        She lives in a 55+ community and it seems as if her community is taking excellent care of her. They’ve been bringing over food, taking care of funeral arrangements, etc. I really want to be supportive but am also a bit nervous traveling alone, as it would be my first time flying post covid last fall (I was hospitalized and it took a lot out of me) .

        1. Texan in Exile*

          I think it’s lovely that you want to go to the funeral and support your friend and I second the idea of going early. Yes, her community is taking her food, but they are not her lifelong friends. *You* are the one she shares almost four decades of memories with.

        2. NavigatingSorrow*

          I’m going to be the person saying you can change your mind and not go.

          Nervousness about flying + expense + logistics are each on their own perfectly valid reasons not to do something, and combined make for a wretched time. Yes, even if that something is a funeral.

          You can say quite truthfully that you aren’t able to make it after all – and instead do things like:

          -Offer her a free ear to vent to over the phone / video call.
          -Check in at random times just to see how she’s doing.
          -Definitely attend the livestream if it’s offered.
          -Ask if you can handle things like helping her with thank you cards (which personally I find a needless burden to put on the griever) – like all you’d need is the list of names/addresses, and then you’d do them on her behalf, possibly via a convenient service.
          -See if you could visit at a near-future time, when it’s not a rush, and when you could possibly get another friend to come with you (expenses taken into account, of course).

          You would not be a bad person to take care of yourself while still feeling genuinely sad for your friend.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m not clear on when you’re planning to arrive. I think for a close friend that you’re flying to support, it’s nice to stay for more than one full day (Wednesday/day of funeral) if you can. So if you’re arriving tomorrow evening, leaving on Thursday sounds fine. If you’re arriving on Tuesday night, maybe it would be nice to stay through the weekend.

    3. WellRed*

      I think it’s fine to leave Thursday. It’s an expensive trip and as funerals so often are, last minute. Admittedly I’m not clear on why you’d be nervous staying alone in a hotel for say three days instead of two unless you are really not well enough to travel. Can you arrange for wheelchair transport at the airport to preserve some energy?

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        I did this when I traveled a few months after a fairly major surgery I had. Such a great service, and well worth it. I probably *could* have walked the distance if I had lots of time and rest breaks, but not without pain, and not carrying my bag. With the transport service, I was able to make the trip and not be miserable.
        Free other than an optional tip – and not all airports even allowed them to take tips. I think the trip ended up going through 5 airports after rerouting for a cancellation, and at 2 of the airports they were not allowed to take tips. At the ones where I could, I tipped $10 each time. Bring cash for tips if you choose to do that.

    4. Minnie*

      It is kind of you to go. I think I would ask her how long she would like you there, and then see if you can do it.

    5. WestsideStory*

      Stay as long as you are comfortable. Just be there for the funeral. It will mean the world to her. When my brother in law died, three family friends crossed the Atlantic for the funeral and we were so grateful they showed so much love. They didn’t stick around and we did not expect them to.
      You will have time after to stay in touch, and give her the support she can’t get from her local friends.

    6. Bibliovore*

      If you haven’t bought your plane ticket, here is my two cents as a sudden widow.
      I couldn’t answer a question like “do you want me to come for…”
      I barely remember that first two weeks.
      I don’t remember who was at the funeral.
      One of my best friends came a month later and stayed a week. That really was the best. Most people disappeared and I really needed her.

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Thank you- this is very helpful to hear. I’m trying to decide the right thing, but it’s starting to overwhelm me, plus I realized yesterday that the weather will be very hot where she is. When I was visiting a relative in the same state a few years ago, the heat got to me and I ended up in the ER, then spent a whole day recovering. I don’t want to end up causing anyone extra problems when the focus is the funeral.

  47. Bee*

    Anybody else starting their gardening season? Today was the first day I could start to grub outside, and I’m both excited & daunted by the amount of work there is to be done! I’m reluctantly considering downsizing part of my garden so the rest of it is easier to handle, but I feel guilty ripping up any plants that have managed to survive my neglect – even if I don’t actually like them.

    1. Jill Swinburne*

      If they’re transplantable, try putting them on Freecycle or a local Facebook group – people love free plants and will happily dig it out for you and take it home.

    2. Pentapus*

      i’m starting to think about it. with 1 cm of new snow this morning, it’s not quit3 planting time. anybody have success with kale in planters or pots? i live in an apt, and would like to grow food. i have a spot that will get a few hours of sun.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Kale will do fine in a pot! You’ll have to see about the amount of sun though.

    4. WestsideStory*

      Yesterday I went to the Philly Flower Show and bought some seed potatoes from a vendor. I did clear out my community garden plot so won’t have much to do when it comes to putting them in later this month (We are in USDA Zone 7).

    5. MissB*

      Kinda?

      I had a knee replacement a week and a half ago, so I’m not actually able to get out in my garden at the moment. Still using a walker to walk around the house.

      I prepared as much as I could ahead of time by setting up my seed starting in our master closet. All of my pepper, tomato and eggplants are up and growing. I have onion, leek and celery as well. I threw a few flower seeds in right before my surgery date, so I have coleus, snap dragon, begonia and hens/chicks started too.

      I saved a bunch of coleus seeds last year. I heavily seeded the starting containers with those saved seeds, because I guess I wasn’t convinced that they’d germinate. I now have mats of coleus that I will need to separate out a bit eventually, lol.

      Looking forward to planting some of these outside at some point. Hoping it all lines up in terms of mobility.

    6. BlueWolf*

      I started seeds indoors for peppers, lettuce, and kale last weekend. I’ll start tomatoes, basil, and some annual flowers in the next couple of weeks. I also want to create a small native meadow in part of my backyard this year (trying to reduce lawn mowing and invasive plants), so I am also attempting winter sowing for some native plants. For the ones that don’t require any cold stratification, I’ll start those seed outside later once it is consistently warmer. I also planted garlic in the fall, and they are looking pretty good.

    7. Clisby*

      I planted clover all over my small front yard (actually, my son rototilled and I just scattered clover seed out during the next few rainshowers). Now the front yard is pretty much greened in; just hoping the clover flowers well. I’m going to scatter some wildflower seeds soon – I want to get more pollinator plants in the yard. My husband has planted milkweed in the back yard – neither of us has planted it from seed before, so if it doesn’t grow well I’m going to buy plants. Our neighborhood hardware/garden center carries the plants, although it’s too early for that. My 2 little bog plants – a venus flytrap and a pitcher plant, weathered the winter and are now coming back from dormancy, so I might add a couple more. I had no idea whether I’d do well with them, but they’re native to SC so that probably helped.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Urk. I still have to get hold of someone to clear the brush from my long-neglected yard before I can do any significant outdoor gardening (other than my vegetable planters, which can’t go out until after last frost anyway). Even my old garden shed needs to be replaced; just noticed part of its roof has fallen in!

      On the other hand, the outdoor perennials and bulbs are hanging in there. Just noticed the band of snowdrops peeping up from the area where the frozen snowdrifts finally began to ebb.

    9. Zona the Great*

      I’m in Phoenix so I’m at the stage where I have to start thinking of harvesting certain things before the heat comes. Then it’s canning season (in summer!).

  48. Esprit de l'escalier*

    Do you ever feel like you’re getting very weird nutritional answers on the internet? I thought I should consume more potassium, looked up my RDA (3500 mg), and asked about best sources. Dr. Google (or rather Igor his robot assistant) said I should be able to get my potassium from food.

    Well, the highest level in one cup of various high-potassium foods was about 950 mg (1 cup of beet greens or of lima beans or a baked potato), down to 425 mg (1 banana). There is no way I could eat enough of those foods every day to get to 3500 mg or even close to it. Why do they suggest that we can get all of our potassium from food sources? What am I not understanding?

    1. WellRed*

      The recommendation or preference is always to get nutrients from naturally occurring sources but yes, it’s pretty much impossible. I was shopping for calcium supplements today a because I’ve cut way down on dairy.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I don’t know. I think between bananas, avocado, sweet and white potatoes, leafy greens and nuts, I probably come close to my RDA. I like beans as well and could probably eat more of them. Not big on dairy but some people are.

    3. Manders*

      I think it’s mostly because some vitamins and minerals are more bioavailable from their natural sources and less so from a pill. So the recommendation is to get as much as possible from food and not solely rely on multivitamins (which I don’t think are regulated by the FDA for actual content?).

    4. RagingADHD*

      Are you sure that RDA is correct? Your nutrient target should be proportional to your calorie intake, so check that it is calculated on the calories you normally consume rather than just gender or size.

      I was actually in a study on the DASH diet a couple of years ago, (low in sodium, high in potassium, magnesium, fiber & protein) and my target was 2,500 mg / day.

      I regularly got or exceeded that from food as long as I was eating plenty of whole foods rather than highly processed foods.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Case in point – I just checked my tracker, and a number of my common meals, like half a chicken breast with zucchini and snap peas, or 4 oz of salmon with kale, each have around 30 percent of my potassium target. And a snack of a handful of almonds with dried apricots has 28 percent.

        It’s certainly doable – not by gorging on a single source, but by eating a variety of foods in reasonable quantities.

    5. Girasol*

      The quality of nutrition advice is spotty. I never trust the “you get all you need from food” advice. How do they know what I eat? Actually I eat a pretty healthy diet but when I add up nutrient grams, there are some that my diet is short of, especially as I get older and can’t pack in enough food to get enough of everything. I’m also suspicious of “eat more of this because it’s high in that nutrient!” without any numbers. Spinach is high in iron next to, say, apples or twinkies, but you’d need to eat it by the pound to get enough iron if that was your only source. IMHO the best advice has numbers.

    6. Undine Spragg*

      I’ve always felt like there’s something weird going on with potassium in particular. There’s definitely risks associated with too much potassium, but it’s hardly the only supplement for which that is true. After some digging I found this from the NIH:

      “Many dietary supplement manufacturers and distributors limit the amount of potassium in their products to 99 mg (which is only about 2% of the DV) because of two concerns related to potassium-containing drugs. First, FDA has ruled that some oral drug products that contain potassium chloride and provide more than 99 mg potassium are not safe because they have been associated with small-bowel lesions”

      (The second concern seems to be that the FDA requires a warning on some products that exceed the 99 mg. I guess nobody wants a warning.)

      So I think this is making a lot of the internet super cautious about their potassium recommendations.

      1. RagingADHD*

        No, it’s not just that “nobody wants a warning.” Overdosing on potassium can give you a heart arrhythmia or even a fatal heart attack. That’s unlikely unless someone has kidney disease, because ordinarily it would get flushed out.

        But regulators have to balance risk and benefit, and there are a lot of people who don’t know their kidney function is compromised. And a lot of people who would try to take 2,000 + mg of potassium supplements a day because they read an AI summary that said it was good for you.

  49. SophieChotek*

    Not sure if this belongs to Friday thread instead but does anyone remember the networking how-to book that wasn’t real long that was recommended in these pages several years before the pandemic I think. Wanted to reread

    1. Silent E*

      Was it perhaps in the comments about the letter published on March 13, 2018 titled “I hate the idea of networking – It feels slimy”? I’ll put a link in a reply.

      In the comment section, someone recommended the book _Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success_ by Adam Grant.

      2. SophieChotek*

        Thank you, no, I don’t think that was it.

        I could be wrong about how far back it was mentioned, but I feel like I got a copy from the library ILL and read it on a plan on the way to a conference, and the last time I went to a conference was … pre 2017???? (but I could be totally wrong about that, also.)

        I feel like the book that was mentioned was shorter (like 200 page less? but my memory is vague. The edition at the time maaaaay have had some green on the cover, but who knows.) i feel like it was almost work-book in stype at times, like really did give some scenarions (how this worked out for the author) and literally questions to ask, etc. Also may have been aimed at “introverts”?????

        Sorry I know this is all vague. I feel like the annoying person who walks into a book store and is “I want a book. And it’s got a green cover. I heard about it on the radio. And no I don’t remember which radio show, when I heard about it, or what the book was about. It just sounded good.”)

        1. allathian*

          I assume it wasn’t How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936) by Dale Carnegie. The first networking book. I’ve never actually read it but I do wonder how valid the advice is today and if it’s at all useful for people who aren’t white cishet men…

  50. SophieChotek*

    I volunteer to review student projects/contests (Think History Day, DECA, student theater contests, etc.)
    I spend a lot of time reviewing projects, etc.
    The problem is….I am just not that good at articulating my thoughts in a good way to give meaningful feedback.
    Usually when another judge says something, I often think “yes that’s what I was thinking!” (and while I may/probably am flattering myself at time) I do think that is at least oftentimes true – it’s just that the idea wasn’t formulated coherently in my head
    Any suggestions on how I can improve in this area; since we are usually required to give written feedback. I don’t want to be the person that can only nitpick about a misplaced comma, the one line someone forgot, the date error on a resume, etc.
    I am thinking I want to read “Thank You for the Feedback” for myself in my own capacity but I don’t know that such will help in this volunteer capacity so appreciate your suggestions/wisdom – how I can improve here as I know it’s probably a pretty big weakness on my part
    (I know I am posting late, so maybe will need to try to post sooner next weekend instead).

    1. RagingADHD*

      Well, it’s hard to know what sort of feedback you’re trying to give without knowing whether the projects are factual, artistic, or business oriented.

      But in general, it will probably help you to write out a rubric template for yourself, so you can approach all the projects on the same footing, and have questions to answer that will prompt you to think deeper than surface level proofreading.

      I find it helpful to start by thinking of the creator’s goals for the project – is it clear what they are trying to do? Of course, they are trying to meet the parameters of the context, but they’re also going to have a personal “take” on those parameters. Did that come across?

      Then you have different avenues to go down – which aspects of the project were successful in moving toward the goal and which were not? Was the apparent goal well chosen for the type of assignment or contest? (For example, did they try to do too much with the time & budget, or did they use their resources cleverly)

      Was the project well planned or designed? Did it have unity and coherence in its design, or was it chaotic and disorganized? Does every element have a clear purpose that enhances the whole? Were the elements well chosen for their “job” within the whole, or were there design flaws that undermined the finished product?

      Was it well executed? Is it finished to an appropriate degree of polish, or did it seem rushed or careless?

      What overall effect or experience does the project have on you as a reader / audience member / potential customer? If you were encountering this thing in a real-world situation, would it work?

      Most of these aren’t going to be yes or no questions in practice – they hopefully would allow you to discuss the positive / effective aspects as well as the shortcomings of the project.

  51. anonfed*

    I’m trying to find an AAM letter where the comments got talking about how personal internet use at work is more common/accepted in academia than in other fields, and some of the reasons cited in the comments discussion included that professors have to research all kinds of weird stuff and students living in dorms use the same network for their personal internet use anyway.

    I think the letter itself only touched on this (e.g. they were working in academia and the problem employee was engaging in personal internet use, but the issue the LW was asking advice about was bigger or different), and I seem to remember the letter as being in the past year or two.

    Does this happen to ring a bell for anyone?

    2. Hlao-roo*

      If it’s not the “my employee basically lives in her cubicle” letter it may be the “coworker’s wife works remotely from our non-remote office” letter from October 15, 2024.

      I’ll link to both letters in a reply to this comment.

  52. Qwerty*

    Suggestions on where to go for reading?

    I seem unable to read a book in my current apartment, hoping to find someplace near by that works instead. (Brain seems to only be able to focus if in a designated “reading spot” but jerk brain has rejected current seating options). The coffee shops and libraries near me no longer have reading areas, just uncomfortable hard seats designed to prevent you from staying long. Sadly no cozy tea shops are in the area (my old go-to in a previous town)

    My neighborhood has a community center with some couches that I’m going to try out today, but my expectations are low because it doesn’t look cozy. What other options have been useful? Seems like all the armchairs and couches have disappeared from public places. I have a couple non-fiction books that I need to read ASAP but getting ADD brain to cooperate is not going well.

    1. GoryDetails*

      Maybe look for “silent book clubs” near you? The idea is to meet somewhere with comfortable seating and decent lighting, and just… read quietly.

      If there’s a way to acquire or construct a tiny, cozy reading area in your own apartment, perhaps that would help? Not sure what that would mean for you, but some of the options people used to find quiet work-spaces during COVID lockdown might apply: a pillow fort inside a closet, that kind of thing.

      Good luck!

      1. Wolf*

        A foldable paravent around your chair might create a small enclosed space for your mind to settle.

    2. Maryn*

      Have you checked the public library? Do you have access to a college or university library? Both tend to have quiet, upholstered areas for reading when they have been given the funds to do so.

      The right kind of bar can also be a great place to read, although there will be some ambient noise from other customers, and maybe music (although the right kind of bar, it’ll all be instrumental). You buy one beverage, not necessarily alcoholic, and nurse it while you read.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Weirdly, a bookshop might be the answer. They can be hard to locate, but many of them now provide coffee bars and reading nooks.

    4. KatCardigans*

      In my area there are a few cozy bars with nice seating, and you can buy a snack and a drink or mocktail and hang out pretty peacefully at off times, although it would probably be too loud in the evenings.

      My husband used to go get work done in the lounge areas of hotels (he liked the local Doubletree and Marriott best for this). It of course depends on the options in your area, but he has always said the seating is usually comfy, you can usually get a beverage if you want, and it’s not usually packed unless there’s an event going on.

      My favorite grocery store has a big cafeteria area with booth seating. Not plush, but comfortable enough. I often see students studying there.

    5. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Strange answer, perhaps, but this might lead to other people having related thoughts. General starting point: Places where people often have to wait a while.

      The medical center I go to for regular doctor appointments is a big building with lots of waiting spaces that have a variety of seating types include ones suitable for bigger bodies and ones of varying heights. They have a coffee shop and lots of bathrooms. I always take reading materials when I need to wait for an appointment. I can imagine settling into one of those areas for a while with nobody batting an eye. They’d assume I had an appointment that was running late. They also have a bike rack, are served by transit, and have plenty of parking.

  53. NotReallyADogPerson*

    I am currently hiking in Italy and whilst I’ve got pretty lucky with not really meeting many loose dogs (only a couple of tiny, non angry ones, and the only one that barked and came towards me the owner was close behind), I’ve been past lots of houses where the dogs bark aggressively nose to gate/fence for the full time they can see me walk past. Like presumably dogs going to dog and I can’t do much about it but is there anything one *can* or should do in that scenario? If there’s no one around I try to say ‘hey hey’ in a calm/low voice but I can’t say it seems to have any impact at all (but is probably good for me :D I don’t love being barked at even if the dog can’t actually get to me. Sometimes it’s so loud!). Perhaps I need to be speaking Italian :)

    1. Sloanicota*

      Unfortunately, I think ignoring them and calmly proceeding past *is* the best thing to do – any kind of interaction just keeps them going. I would have a different answer if this was a dog you were going to keep interacting with, but for one-offs, that’s my take. I know once my dogs was on “intruder alert!” mode, he didn’t even seem to recognize people he knew making friendly gestures or talking to him – they kind of get tunnel vision about “their fence.”

    2. Zona the Great*

      Keep walking at the same pace and keep your energy low. They’re scared and there’s nothing that can stop that, unfortunately.

    3. sagewhiz*

      Do not look the dog in the eye. It’s “read” by them as an act of aggression. (Long ago wrote a lot for the American Kennel Club, and this tip was regularly included.)

    4. Rick Tq*

      The dog is defending his fence and his people, there isn’t anything you can do to stop it beyond walking by and out of sight.

      I have seen Rottweilers bark up a storm thru a closed gate at our leashed Akita stop and immediately retreat when the gate opened. The only thing that changed was the gate moving but the Rotties did NOT come off their property to engage.

    5. Forrest Rhodes*

      I know that anecdotes aren’t data, but: My response is to maintain calm and keep walking at the same pace, while I look down and slightly away from the barking dog (maybe a 45-degree turn; it’s still possible to keep the barker in my peripheral vision, just in case).

      A veterinarian friend told me that this move is Dog for, basically, “I come in peace; no harm intended here.”

      I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but it worked, and has worked ever since—even in rare encounters with dogs who aren’t fenced or leashed.

    6. RagingADHD*

      The dog is not barking at anything in particular you’re doing. It is alerting its person: “Hey, I see somebody! Hey! Hey!”

      And asserting its territory: “Hey, I see you! Don’t come in here! This is my place, you can’t come in!”

      The only thing you could do to circumvent that is to not be there, and make it obvious by continuing to move on, that you are not trying to enter. If it really bothers you, you could perhaps cross to the other side of the road, but that’s not always feasible.

      Every once in a while I have been able to settle dogs on my walking route by talking to them, but only when they get familiar with me by seeing / hearing me several times a week.

    7. Dog and cat fosterer*

      Agreed with all the other comments about just walking by, though I’ll suggest a weird one of yawning. Dogs have ways to deal with aggressive dogs getting in their faces, and one way is to ignore the other dog by sniffing at something and the other is to yawn. I don’t know if a person yawning will impact a dog that is trying to defend their property because often the dogs can’t see the person, but maybe it’s worth trying?

      1. Shiny Penny*

        Turid Rugaas wrote a whole little booklet on calming signals in dogs! Before my anxiety dog went deaf, the signals she describes were pretty magical for him on a good day. Yawning is discussed, and also mouth noises that remind me of noises a puppy would make when nursing— not really lip smacking, more like the tongue pulling away from the roof of the mouth? But kinda juicy? (Probably exactly the worst possible misophonia trigger for a human sufferer.) Super interesting topic!
        Yawning and making those “suckling” type noises work just as well to reassure my pet goats, to convey my calm if I take them to a new/scary place (like the vet). Very cool topic! The Rugaas book is worth reading.

    8. NotReallyADogPerson*

      I doubt anyone will come back and read this on a Monday but as I encountered not one but three loose dogs who barked at me & came towards me on my final day of hiking, the advice to keep walking and don’t look at them directly did indeed work. (Not going to lie, I had to fight a lot of instinct to do this, when you have a dog running towards you my instinct is to at least watch it to check it’s not going to bite me..). Thank you!

  54. Nola*

    Ignore it and just keep walking. This isn’t about you. The dog is just protecting their turf.

  55. *daha**

    What was that movie question: I saw this in early 70s, maybe 60s. Advertising man comes up with idea – his client will use a live horse as a mascot, his horsey daughter will raise and train the horse because they can’t afford a horse for her otherwise. The man is atop the horse at one point, and it is running away. While he clings to it, the horse leaps over a wall that is far too high for a normal horse to jump, and they discover the horse is special.

    3. *daha**

      Thanks for solving this for me. The Horse In The Gray Flannel Suit is the movie I was thinking of.

  56. Broken scones*

    Hello, I wanted to say thank you again to those of you who commented/gave advice on my situation with my senior dog. It has been a week since his passing, and my heart still aches but day by day it is getting slightly easier. My friends have been there for me, and my supervisor has been wonderfully understanding; she even sent a sympathy basket to my home, and gave me the biggest hug when I returned to work. There still are kind people in this world, and I’m grateful for them. I’m sending everyone positive vibes and internet hugs!

    1. Shiny Penny*

      There’s such grief and emptiness when our beloved pets have to leave us, it definitely takes a while to find our balance again. I’m glad the people in your life are being kind.
      Sending warm thoughts to you going through this, and memories of all you did to care for him and ensure he had a beautiful life. He knew he was loved. That’s always the thought I cling to, myself. I hope it brings you comfort, too.

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Our best old cat is fading, so you have all my empathy.
      Hang in there and I’m so glad you have such great support!

      1. Broken scones*

        Thank you, and I’m so sorry to hear about your cat. I’m sending you and your fur baby lots of love and support!

  57. Double A*

    We have a housecleaner who comes once a month and I basically have her do the chores that we don’t get to on a regular basis (mop, thorough kitchen clean). As such we usually declutter the best we can so they can just focus on cleaning. I generally figure since they don’t know where stuff goes in our house it’s not really their job to pick up.

    I’m in an incredibly stressful and busy period in work and it would be great not to have to pre-clean. But I don’t quite know how to communicate what I need. Like, “here’s our trash pile of a house, do your best?” Has anyone had their cleaner help with more picking up and tidying? I’m also thinking I will ask her to come for longer if she can or an extra visit this month.

    Our cleaner works for herself and has been with us for a couple years so there shouldn’t be any corporate issues.

    1. Double A*

      For a little more context, we have two young kids so it’s there’s a lot of clutter.

    2. hummingbird*

      Can you be more specific as to what you want her to do (to your cleaner)?
      Maybe you can have her come weekly?
      Since she works on her own she may be more willing to do different chores. She maybe ok with picking up toys then cleaning the floors, putting dishes in the DW then cleaning the sink etc.

    3. Middle Aged Lady*

      They are sometimes willing to come for a longer time and straighten things without actually putting them away, since they won’t know where things go. Example: gather the papers on the dining table and arrange them in piles, put all the toys in a basket. Some will wash dishes and do laundry and make beds.
      Just ask!

    4. Not A Manager*

      What would you do if you were prepping for her, but didn’t have time to do it right? I get a big basket, for example, and shove all the loose stuff into it to sort later. I would basically think of what ~I~ would do if someone was coming over for impromptu lunch in 20 minutes, and I’d ask her to do that. Move everything into a closet? Put a box in each room and pop whatever is loose in the room into the box? Make neat piles?

      What I wouldn’t do is ask/allow her to “put things away,” because it takes me seven times as long to find my lemon juicer in the laundry room, plus additional time wondering why it’s in the laundry room.

    5. MSD*

      Is it possible that there’s so much prep because she only comes once a month? If you can afford it maybe twice a month. Unfortunately it is kind of hard to get away with no prep work because otherwise stuff ends up in odd places. Does your partner help you or do they just make the lame joke about cleaning before the cleaning person comes? Also explain the issue to your cleaning person. She may have some ideas on what would help eliminate some of the prep work. Maybe a streamlined prep “if you do this and this then I can …..”

    6. Jen*

      Option A: Have her do her best and understand she won’t put things in the right spots some of the time.

      Option B: Wait for a slow time and clean alongside her, showing her where things go.

  58. Chaordic One*

    Low stakes obvious question. The price of eggs has gone through the roof in the U.S. due to shortages caused by bird flu. How are you all coping? Are still buying them and paying the higher prices? Are you cutting back on buying them and not buying or using as many? Have you stopped buying and using them?

    1. fhqwhgads*

      We usually buy them in bulk at Costco (because we go through a lot of eggs), and while the prices are up, they’re not up nearly as much as if we were buying a single dozen at a time at a regular grocery store. But we haven’t regularly bought single dozen at grocery store for years, so it’s not too much of a change. Yet.

    2. Rara Avis*

      We’re still buying them (when the store has them) but we never bought them every week anyway. Definitely not making any quiche or frittata recipes.

      1. WestsideStory*

        I don’t use eggs very much so have half left of the dozen (organic free range) bought at $5.99 two weeks ago. I’ve seen $8.99 a dozen in some stores, so my strategy is to just keep a lookout for sales and not buy any till then. Some of the larger chains seem to be trying to keep the costs down, but panic buying and profiteering pricing looks to be winning out.
        My plan B is to just buy a half-dozen (if the cost is equivalent of what a full dozen was last month) next time I need them, and check out the Farmer’s Market to see how the local vendors are handling this.
        I’m also trying to be kind to the restaurants around here. The diner we like for weekend brunch has not raised their prices – I didn’t order eggs specifically yesterday because I did not want them to feel pressure to keep up inventory.

    3. Middle Aged Lady*

      We also buy at Costco, shop the sales at the regular grocery, and sometimes buy from a friend who keeps chickens. I would estimate that the two of us eat about a dozen a week unless we are making an egg-heavy dish like a quiche, and that hasn’t changed because of prices. Yet.

    4. Double A*

      We got chickens. Obviously this is not at all what most people can do, and it’s actually not cheaper for a long time. And we had been meaning to get chickens for awhile (we live in a rural area), and it’s just now that it’s made sense with other stuff in our life. We’re actually super lucky to get chickens at all because when egg prices are like this demand for backyard chickens skyrockets and I’m hearing chicks are selling out immediately. We had a friend who needed to downsize and gave us her chickens who are already great layers.

      If we didn’t get chickens, I would keep paying the prices, eggs are a staple food for us and we eat a lot of them.

      1. MissB*

        We have hens. I’ve had a flock for 20+ years, adding a few here and there every few years.

        By now, our costs are pretty much minimized.

        We had 10 eggs in the hen house this morning and 5 yesterday.

        I give away eggs to family and neighbors. And we eat a lot of eggs.

    5. Maestra*

      We don’t eat a lot of eggs and are fine not buying them, but because the price was so good I got some for $3.50 today at Trader Joe’s. We went to our other grocery store after TJ’s and the cheapest they had was $8.99, so it felt like an even better deal in retrospect.

    6. Nola*

      We buy eggs as part of an add-on to our CSA box. They’re pasture raised and the farm hasn’t had any problems with avian flu.

      They were $225 a share (for 30 weeks starting in November) last June when we paid. That’s been the same price for the seven years we’ve done this CSA. $7.50/dozen would sometimes seem a little bit steep compared to grocery store prices but they were so much better (taste wise but also for the environment, etc) we just decided they were worth it. Now they’re cheaper than the grocery store eggs!

    7. Hyaline*

      I tell my hens every day that they are good girls and very pretty and do a very good job and then give them treats :P We’ve had chickens for years now, and we roll with their seasonal fluctuations in production, so when the hens lay few eggs (such as over the winter or during their molt), we eat fewer eggs, and right now it’s omelettes for everyone. When we’re in low production mode I prioritize eggs for baking when there’s no good substitute, and we don’t eat eggs as a protein very much.

      1. MissB*

        Have you ever frozen eggs for use in baking or scrambled eggs?

        I feel like I should try this for the November-February slow production time.

    8. Sitting Pretty*

      I’m doing some reductions and replacements. We make an enourmous batch of waffles weekly to last the week. Now it’s just 1 egg supplemented with flaxseed and applesauce.
      Also, eggs have been my quick go-to meal for years. Brown rice bowl with a fried/poached egg on top, toast with egg, or egg tacos almost daily. Now I use a different protein, usually beans, sometimes nuts or toasted pumpkin seeds. Or nut butter or hummus.

      Wow, now I’m hungry!

      1. Sitting Pretty*

        Oh, and to add…

        The popularity of plant-based eating means that there is a ton of great info out there about how to do substitutions successfully. I’ve enjoyed exploring tips for how to use things like silken tofu or flaxseed instead of eggs in baking. Or yummy breakfast alternatives like tofu scrambles. I’m kinda thinking this egg situation might be a good thing overall if it means people play around more with plant-based recipes!

    9. Nightengale*

      I am using fewer eggs. More because of the shortage than the price. I am using eggs in things like one egg in 3 meals worth of pancakes but not a fried or scrambled egg as my meal.

      The thing is I’m not vegetarian but don’t eat a lot of meat and eggs have been one of my main protein sources. When I sit down to do meal planning I am having a “don’t think of a purple elephant” problem where all of a sudden everything I think to make is: fried egg with seaweed and rice! no. um. omelet! no. tamagoyaki! no. egg salad! no. shashuka! no.

    10. Aphrodite*

      I still buy them. I don’t like the rising costs but I haven’t changed my preference for the jumbo free range, organic eggs that are, I think about $6/dozen now. I also have a source for duck eggs from a home flock that I pay $8/dozen for. Eggs are delicious and I’d give up many other things before I’d give them up. (I don’t bake so they are almost all eaten.)

    11. Rosyglasses*

      I haven’t noticed the price of free range eggs really going up (they were always between $9-13 a dozen) ; it’s more the conventional eggs that are going up because of how chickens are smashed together in gigantic CAFOs and bird flu obviously is easier to transmit in those cases. We will still buy them at about the same cadence.

  59. Who knows heating systems?*

    I live in a one-level house with gas forced-air heat. It has a high ceiling in one part of the house with a big square vent up near the ceiling(maybe 18″x18″) that I think is the return vent that pulls air from the house into the system. Everywhere else it’s regular floor vents.

    In recent weeks the system has started making a sort of moaning wah-wah-wah resonating reverberating sound when it’s blowing air. The sound is a regular cycle like a fast heartbeat. It’s sort of ignorable, sort of not. When the heat shuts off I realize just how loud and irritating it was because I relax. It seems to be concentrated toward that high vent, not shooting out of every floor vent.

    What’s causing this and is there a way to make it stop? Do I have to call an HVAC firm? My husband is super handy and willing to get up in the attic (and climb through the blown-in insulation wearing a protective suit so he doesn’t get itched out), and he’s done other work to seal the house for heating efficiency. He has a lot of other household fix-it chores on the list and meanwhile I just want the noise to stop. If anyone has insight into potential causes I’d love to know. If it’s going to take a professional I’ll ask him to skip putting his own hide up there.

    1. Ginger Cat Lady*

      I’d check your filter before doing the ceiling stuff. Sometimes when air can no longer flow through them, they bang around as air tries to go around them.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      I recommend searching r/hvacadvice and if you don’t find anything similar asking there.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      Yes, checking your filter seems like the reasonable first step and should be easy. I’d probably actually replace it, in case that shifts the whole system usefully.
      Could there be a second dirty filter deeper in the machine, that fell off the maintenance radar?
      Your description kinda sounds like possibly a fan out of balance or partially blocked. I would guess any problem would be in the furnace itself, so I can’t think that going into the attic would be of any clear help (unless the furnace is up there? Usually they’re in the garage or basement though).

      Do you see any blinking light on the face of the furnace? Modern furnaces often have one, and the rate of blinking is a code for various error states.
      I would for sure google the model number. Sometime “[model number] forum” will get you discussions of other people’s past struggles/solutions. Or you might find a useful repair video on you tube.
      Good luck!

      1. Shiny Penny*

        Did you recently seal up the house more for the winter?
        Maybe the furnace is having a harder time pulling in makeup air if the house is tighter than when the HVAC system was designed/installed.
        If you open a window while the noisy furnace is running, does the noise change?
        Also, did you recently have any electrical work done? Or a power outage, or a new appliance added? These are things that can inadvertently change the electrical supply to a circuit, which can produce weird effects if there’s “competition” for sufficient power. Does your fuse box look normal?

    5. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Thanks all for the great questions and suggestions! I’ll check the filter and vacuum the cover and see what happens.

      We had some remodeling done that finished a year ago and my husband did some sealing of cracks long before that. The sound is recent so it feels like a new thing not triggered by either of those.

      In the course of the remodeling we had electrical work done, with a lot of checking of how it worked and fixing one thing that came up on a different circuit than the furnace. They made sure the loads were balanced; we were adding and moving appliances. I don’t think it’s that but then I’m neither an electrician nor an HVAC tech.

  60. hummingbird*

    I’m looking for a water bottle sling.

    I saw one at Disney I liked form wise but it wasn’t plain enough for me. The one I saw had a zippered pocket as part of the bottle holder part. Does anyone have any ideas on where to look? (I’ve searched using the terms but not finding much).

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I believe most of the Disney ones are Corkcicle brand, if that helps?

      1. hummingbird*

        Huh, I guess the one at Disney was cheap ($40?) lol The ones on Corkcicle are around $60! (The one I saw was something wilderness. I’m not very familiar with the recent movies – just last century ones lol) I think the one I saw was maybe for kids, seems smaller than the ones at Corkcicle.

        Thank you! I’ve got it bookmarked.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My guess would be Wilderness Explorers – at Animal Kingdom probably? That would be from Pixar’s “Up” :) and if it was only $40, then it probably wasn’t Corksicle after all, heh. They’re more like the $60 you’re seeing in the park gift shops.

          I’ve gotten water bottle slings from Amazon that have zipper pockets that will fit something the size of a cell phone or a small wallet, more along the $20-25 range.

    2. Reba*

      There is a product called Hydrobag (I think) and Lululemon definitely has one.
      There are also some options on Etsy though you have to wade through the macrame ones :)

      1. hummingbird*

        I found the Hydrobag but didn’t find any at LL. Thanks!

        Yeah, I tried to browse Etsy for one and didn’t find what I wanted…then lost hours going down Etsy rabbit holes :)

      1. Just a name*

        I have the “ Nuovoware Water Bottle Carrier Bag, 25oz/32oz Bottle Pouch Holder, Adjustable Shoulder Hand Strap 2 Pocket Sling Neoprene Sleeve Sports Water Bottle Accessories for Hiking Travelling Camping” from Amazon.

  61. Middle Name Jane*

    Anyone good with hair products? I’ve been using Pureology Hydrate Sheer shampoo and Hydrate conditioner and don’t really feel like they’re helping. My hair still feels like straw. Plus, even using a small amount on my hair leaves a slick residue in my shower floor.

    I’ve got fine, wavy, dry/frizzy hair that is not color or chemically treated. Besides Pureology, I’ve also used Aveda. I like shampoo and conditioner that are available in liter sized bottles (I stock up when they go on sale).

    Any ideas? Is there another formula of Pureology or Aveda I’m missing or a better brand I haven’t tried?

    1. WellRed*

      I have fine wavy hair that is color treated but Normalish, not really dry. I’ve had great luck with Paul Mitchell but also with Pantene ProV. Try some sample sizes. I’ve never heard of hair products leaving a residue on shower floor though.

    2. hummingbird*

      Have you had your hair clarified? You might want to have it done by a stylist (usually includes steam then) or just try a clarifying shampoo. I use Malibu C products.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’ve had really good results with Prose for my dry, wavy, frizzy hair – but it is spendy.

  62. Not Tom, Just Petty*

    Reacher. Season 3 Episode 5.
    Please tell me someone else is watching it and heard the agent, Sarah Duffy call the church in Boston St joACKim’s.
    I googled, because I figured production would confirm something like that.
    And yep. They did. Have I missed weekend’s conversations about this?
    I also thought she has a wicked good Boston accent,(she sounds just the tiktok dude, Nosyon Guy Reviews.. she should know. But I’ve fallen for that before. She’s British. She says St JoACKim’s. Five Stahs.

    1. Southern Girl*

      I watch Reacher but missed that part. Like the show but too much punching and main characters are too bullet proof to be anywhere near realistic.

      1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

        “missed that part”
        because it was boring exposition about the old cop’s history.
        But I like Reacher because he’s so super-hero-y. I tried Joe Picket and how he is always on the wrong side of the gun doesn’t work for me.
        But it’s far too gory. Which goes with the super-hero-y thing that I like. It’s a fun escape until the body parts start flying.

    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      I like your user name. But not too familiar with them. Quick google. They are an iteration of Butthole Surfers?

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