weekend open thread – April 5-6, 2025

by Alison Green on April 4, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Every Tom, Dick & Harry, by Elinor Lipman. Yay for a new Elinor Lipman, who I believe is the Jane Austen of our time. A woman is hired to handle the estate sale of her small town’s brothel/B&B. There’s intergenerational friendship, a romance with the chief of police, family drama, a high school reunion, and much more. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

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  1. old curmudgeon*

    Oh dear – is that a Collar of Shame on Wallace, or just a fashion statement? Hopefully the latter!

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It could double as a fashion statement, but it is functional as well: he had to have a mast cell tumor on his ear surgically removed this week. (It’s very likely to be benign, as they apparently typically are in cats, although we’re waiting for the test results next week.) He also has a very attractive collar that looks like a slice of an orange, which he seems to enjoy and use like an airplane pillow, except that he apparently knows how to take that one off.

        3. DJ Abbott*

          Soooo sweet! <3
          My brother and I both love cats and dogs, and I’ve been sending him a lot of your photos lately. This one of Wallace with his orange collar is one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen!

      2. old curmudgeon*

        Fingers crossed for good news from the test results! Give the handsome boy a chin-rub for me, please!

      3. vulturestalker*

        Alison, could you share where you got the collar in the picture? Our foster is overgrooming her belly and I need one of these for her that isn’t easy to take off and makes it hard to reach the spot. That one looks wide enough to do the trick!

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yes! I’m sorry to say it’s from Amazon, but we ordered a whole bunch of them this week to see what worked best and this is the one that most effectively prevents him from scratching his ear (I think because it is the widest):
          https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09VYXMLZ9?th=1

          He’s a pretty big cat and the small fits him.

          Also, the orange one (in medium):
          https://www.amazon.com/ANWA-Adjustable-Recovery-Surgery-Kittens/dp/B08ML4GK1M

          You could also try a post-surgery suit! Google “cat surgery suit” and you’ll find a bunch. That might actually be less annoying to her for your purposes.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Not a cat, but the surgery pajamas worked really well on my Dane when she got her spay and tummy tack – their necks are long enough that the cone isn’t terribly effective without a lot of tweaking, but the pajamas worked a treat (and also looked super cute).

            1. ICodeForFood*

              I used the surgery suit for my cat when she was spayed… Unfortunately, the vet put a ‘collar of shame’ on her, too, even though the suit should have been fine alone. Even more unfortunately, the vet tech who put the suit on her never snugged it up at the neck. So the morning after she came home, I opened the door (because the vet wanted me to limit her to one room), and out she pranced, having removed BOTH the collar and the surgery suit! She looked rather proud of herself, too!

          2. The Cosmic Avenger*

            We had to use post-surgery onesies for our girls when they got spayed. We had the kind with velcro along the spine, and they worked great for them, because one sister got out of her cone before the vet could even call us to say the surgery went fine!
            Also, one old guy needed an inflatable collar, because he’d keep tripping on the regular cone. He could see OK, but he couldn’t bend his neck enough to reach his stitches.

          3. RC*

            FWIW, I put “collar cone” into Chewy and it came up with a bunch of results from cones to disks to body suits, maybe you can poke around there to see they’ve got something similar? (I think/hope Chewy isn’t owned by the Evil Empire too.. if so then sigh I may just go walk into the sea).

      4. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Some of those have loops for regular small collars. If so, and if I have an e-collar escape artist, then I put a regular collar on too that’s sized to their neck (enough to fit two fingers)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      New living room furniture!! Our old sofa and loveseat were battered, springs were sprung, they were a pain to clean because of weird shaped cushions, and the liners were torn up to the point where, when we tipped them to take them out, about 20 doggy chewing bones fell out. But a new sofa and armchair were delivered this morning and I am super happy.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I am really happy with it, but my dogs are not so thrilled. “My seat” is now an armchair instead of a loveseat, and Alannah does not feel that she has enough space to sit in it with me like she used to (she totally does, she just hates change). They both seem to be upset that the new sofa is not as squishy as the old sofa was, so they keep trying to curl up on the throw pillows instead. Which is admittedly super cute, and also hilarious for the 115 pound woofapotamus.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            This morning she finally let me show her how she can sit in the chair with me and she is now snoring with her chin on my knee. :)

      2. bananners*

        I’m so excited for you!! We are looking for new furniture, but have something very specific in mind, so it hasn’t been a fast and fruitful search.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          We’ve been thinking on it for a while, but I wasn’t going to buy new furniture until we went six months without someone damaging the old one through either careless behavior or being a mischievous young animal nibbling on things. :P And while my husband’s now 8-month-old kittens are pains in the butt on several levels, one of the very few bad behaviors that they have NOT exhibited is furniture scratching, knock wood. (I swear to god, if they pick now to start…. )

    2. old curmudgeon*

      I have had an astonishing amount of fun with one of those adult coloring books (adult in complexity, not in content!) that our son’s partner gave me to help while away the time during a long convalescence from an injury. The book is called “Cat Farts,” and it is just as ridiculous as it sounds. It gives me the giggles every time I open it, and best of all, it has kept me sitting still ever since she gave it to me, so that hopefully the orthopedic surgeon won’t scold me again when I see him next week.

      1. Le le lemon*

        But now you’ve made me think of nudie colouring in, plus “and now we highlight the stretch marks”. Which was a fun mental picture.
        Someone online does posts their Christmas nudie advent calendar each year. It’s a scratchie one and are line drawings of real people and poses! All kinds of people and bodies are included – standing, wheelchair users, one-breast-removed cancer survivors; the works.

    3. Possum's mom*

      Life is returning to normal for us after brain surgery last month.Accepting any good wishes for further healing.

      5. WoodswomanWrites*

        Glad to hear everything’s on the upswing. Sending my warmest thoughts for continuing to heal!

    4. goddessoftransitory*

      Repotting Charlotte the spider plant! She’s growing like a weed (ha) and now has lots of space–she’s very happy and putting out lots of pups/flowers.

      1. bananners*

        You go, Charlotte!!! (Love the name)

        I bought a new fiddle leaf fig today and I’m so excited to add to my collection of babies. I am a newish houseplant mom and very happy to step into this role. :)

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          We also have Rapunzel and Son-Punzel, two philo-vine types. Rapunzel’s over 30 years old now!

        2. fallingleavesofnovember*

          Fiddle leaf figs tend not to like change – don’t be surprised if it drops some leaves as it adjusts to its new home, it should settle in and be fine!

      1. E*

        As a parent of a kid about to go to college and terrified about the job market, I love this for you and your kid! Congrats!

    7. The Dude Abides*

      Putting a loudmouth on his ass playing pickup basketball.

      I ain’t the biggest (37yo, 5’7 170), but I regularly outwork and outhustle the twentysomethings I play with.

      One newer guy set a hard screen, and didn’t take kindly to me sliding through him when he tried it again. Tried to bump me down in retaliation, didn’t work. Told him I took bigger hits from smaller men on the rugby pitch.

    10. Anima*

      Sleep Token!
      I’ve been introduced to them years ago by friends but never really listened to any of their music, and two weeks ago I sat down and actively did that – I’m blown away! Can’t listen to anything else right now.
      I absolutely enjoy new (to me) music!

      1. Potato Potato*

        I love new (to me) music! I was just introduced to Evan Greer, who is exactly the kind of trans punk vibes I need right now

      2. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

        Oooo, just looked up Sleep Token and that music is so good!

        It’s actually going to fit well into my 70s prog rock playlists too.

    11. BellStell*

      Starting to see shoots in my balcony garden from seeds planted last weekend. Today doing more gardening too and planting more seeds for the balcony. Also making a nice cafe corner on the balcony with a table and chairs and lavender plants. Also getting more papers ordered for my citizenship application to start. And playing with my kitty and talking to far flung friends.

      1. Frieda*

        My indoor seed starts are also going gangbusters! Last year was kind of meh (a lot of trouble with soil gnats) so fingers crossed we’ll end up with more cukes and zucchini than we can possibly eat.

    12. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      My new car. My very first automatic (been driving manuals exclusively since I was 20).

      Holy heck this is so much easier on my old joints. And I’ve named him SQL.
      (Same make and model as my last car, plus all my cars have geek names).

      1. WorkNowPaintLater*

        Congrats on the new car! I sometimes miss a clutch – and then my ankles remind me that no I don’t.

        1. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

          I miss the gear stick and the feeling of absolute control over the car but yeah, my arthritis really appreciates not having to depress the clutch fifteen million times per journey (lot of roundabouts in my town).

          And it’s my first car with AC. Yey!

          1. WorkNowPaintLater*

            Have a lengthy drive daily, so an automatic with cruise control has become mandatory.

            And AC is a wonderful wonderful thing!

        1. WorkNowPaintLater*

          Same. Current one is the Batmobile – it’s black and has so much more tech compared to the car before it.

    13. Racheee*

      Finally feeling more like myself after a tricky week. Took the day off yesterday though still felt quite grotty as I tried to decompress. I needed to do that to get to today’s much better state!

      Today the sun is shining, I’ve eaten delicious cake and am heading for a massage.

    14. Jackie*

      Met up with my bestie from 8 th grade yesterday at our usual annual bed & breakfast retreat – halfway between our homes. A 3 hour drive each way. We have an appointment at noon today- getting tattoos that say “ love you more…” to celebrate 52 years of friendship! So excited as I am currently tattoo free lol… we both will be 64 this summer one month apart.

      1. CtheRocker*

        I have a friend of almost as many years. Those friendships are truly worth their weight in gold! Enjoy!!!

        1. Jackie*

          We got tattoos on our inner left arm. They say “Love you more…” Mine is in Swedish – thx ancestry.com , and my friend ( art teacher) designed hers – a dove to include initials of loved ones.
          I’m a lifelong Rolling Stones fan and I now have the tongue tattooed above my left ankle too!

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        Ireland has been getting temperatures of 13-17 Celsius (around 55-62 Fahrenheit) this week and it’s meant to continue and potentially get even hotter. This is close to summer weather for us (well, summers would usually be about 15-25) and it’s only early April. And virtually no rain!

    16. Rara Avis*

      College visit road trip with my kid. Lots of belting show tunes in the car and small side adventures. My kid saw snow for only the second time in their life! (And I survived 1200 miles of driving — kid doesn’t drive yet, and my husband has a different spring break.)

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I loved almost every part of the college trips I took with my kid, and I think she did, too. It can be a brutal process and I’m glad someone told me ahead of time that I could also enjoy it. So glad you had fun!

    17. Irish Teacher.*

      One of my past students got four “yeses” on Britain’s Got Talent. He’s a great kid, just left school last year, so we are all pretty delighted and proud of him.

    18. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      One of my joys is political so I’m not going to be explicit. Has to do with a family member doing a 180 on views they’ll stand up for and it’s making me very happy today.

    19. Rosyglasses*

      I downloaded the Finch app upon a recommendation from this lovely group – and it has kept me moving and self-caring and I’m enjoying the simplicity of it.

    20. Chauncy Gardener*

      Potting up seedlings! I love the smell of the soil and the tomato seedlings even smell like tomatoes. Someday soon I’ll be back in the garden. Woot!

    21. Elizabeth West*

      A storage cabinet from Wayfair I’ve had my eye on for a while FINALLY went on sale. It’s coming Tuesday! I’ll donate the giant blue tubs by the back door that all my miniatures stuff was packed in. I sorted through them yesterday and found a bunch of stuff I forgot about, haha. Only a few little Victorian furniture items had broken legs, but nothing is unfixable.

      When I have a house with an arts/writing studio that has storage, I can use the cabinet in the kitchen or office. :D #manifesting

    22. is the math right ?*

      Middle school musical ! the kids worked so hard and were absolutely adorable.

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        That’s awesome. Our school’s musical is actually taking place in a couple of days – Tuesday and Wednesday.

    24. chocolate muffins*

      Got to see some friends from afar this week, and then took a nice long nap today.

    25. allathian*

      I learned a new psychological concept that I intuitively understood but didn’t have a word for, glimmer. It means a fleeting moment of happiness that you can get from very simple things like the first ray of warm sunshine after a long winter, the smile of a stranger, the first butterfly of spring… The things that give us glimmers are largely individual, and they’re very easy to ignore, but learning to recognize them can increase your overall happiness, especially when times are tough.

      Realizing that I knew the feeling gave me a glimmer!

      1. Mimmy*

        I LOVE this concept! Last year, my therapist called these moments “subtle gratitude”, but I think I like the glimmer concept better :)

    26. Six Feldspar*

      Made bread for the first time in a few months and I forgot how good it smells! It’s currently cooling and perfuming the house

    27. dapfloodle*

      My significant other and I finally made some steps toward planning a vacation for this summer (this is just going to be a road trip to stay in another part of our state for a few days, but things have been a bit chaotic recently so even planning that was difficult for awhile).

    28. Might Be Spam*

      Sunday night I forgot to remove my earrings before I fell asleep. The next morning one was missing and I figured it must be somewhere in the sheets or near the bed, but I couldn’t find it. Tuesday morning on my way out to the dentist, I found it in the common hallway near the garage. Either maintenance didn’t vacuum or they found it and moved it next to the wall. Either way, I am very glad to have it back because I really like those earrings.

    29. (Very) Tired Grad Student*

      I just finished the conclusion of my PhD dissertation! I still have edits to take care of, but it’s such a relief to be done writing.

  3. Morning Dew*

    Do you have TV shows’ opening credits/sequence music and images that you enjoy and like?

    Mine are Touching Evil (US version) and Miss Scarlet (on PBS).

    What are yours?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I really liked the opening sequence and music of Game of Thrones first season. (I didn’t care for the show and never watched anything past that so I’m not sure if or how it changed in later seasons.)

      1. Zephy*

        The little mechanical map updated as the story progressed. I agree, the opening sequence was delightful; the rest of the show…well, it had its moments.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Oh good, I was hoping it would have expanded :) I may see if I can find the later seasons’ versions on YouTube or something.

          1. RussianInTexas*

            Yes, they changed the locations as the show progressed, I think it was very clever.

        2. Muscadine*

          The prequel series to GoT, House of the Dragon, does similar progressive opening sequences… the first season uses an abstract castle, and I don’t care for the look of it, but the season 2 openings take the form of a tapestry illustrated with significant moments starting from the early history of the GoT world. Showrunners mentioned the Bayeux tapestry as inspiration.

      2. allathian*

        I liked all of them, and also the first two seasons of Westworld that I’ve seen. They’re by the same composer, Ramin Djawadi.

        I also quite like the Picard start and end sequences.

        Older favorites include Babylon 5 (all seasons), Voyager (not my favorite Trek but my favorite Trek theme), Stargate SG-1, MacGyver. But nothing quite takes me back to my tweens/early teens like the Knight Rider opening sequence.

        I’m probably going to think of new ones as soon as I post this.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          That reminds me, there’s a bit in the B5 opening sequence where there’s a no smoking sign and that always cracks me up a bit.

          1. Bluenyx*

            The opening for Enterprise might actually be my favorite, because it incorporated a real-world history of flight and space flight montage, ending with the Star Trek universe warp drive. The show itself was meh but the opening really fit, especially with Star Trek’s overall optimistic vision of technology and human achievement.

            1. The OG Sleepless*

              Yes, I liked that one too! So cool how it segued right into expanding the ISS and then to the first warp drive. You wouldn’t have even known when they went from the real to the imaginary.

            2. allathian*

              I enjoyed the show, but I do think that the montage should have shown more pioneering moments from the Soviet space program rather than solely focusing on the US one, like Gagarin rather than Glenn as the first person to orbit the Earth. (I can understand them ignoring the Chinese and the Indian, etc. space programs, because so far, and certainly by the time the show was made, they haven’t achieved anything that would be a first for humanity, only for their own countries.)

              Interestingly enough, the first Enterprise they showed was the HMS Enterprize, an 18th century Royal Navy warship, spelled with a Z!

    2. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Chuck. I think it was here that I discovered the song is Short Skirt Long Jacket by Cake.

      Special mention: My son (who is more musical than either parent) was listening to a podcast that broke down exactly why the opening to Severance is so freaky, involving minor chords.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Anyone going to a Hands Off rally on Saturday?

      I got sick before the Presidents Day march and couldn’t go, so I’m really looking forward to this one.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          It was amazing, thousands of people and everyone so positive and upbeat. I took a bunch of photos and will add a post to my blog about it soon.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I didn’t; my left knee has decided to be a complete jerk and I can’t walk without pain. I’m babying it so I can go into the office this week. But Boston Common is PACKED. They’re also getting wet because it’s pouring, but that doesn’t seem to have stopped anyone.

      4. Reluctant Mezzo*

        Was there at ours. 325+ in a smallish red town. (Some older lady said, “I’m 80 years old and this is my first protest!”).

    4. Plaidless*

      I always jam out when Buffy starts. That era of rock is very dear to me, and that song is quintessential.

      I also loved the way they kept making different covers of the theme for every episode of Weeds near the end.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        The Buffy one is so good! and I love the periodic updates, plus the novelty different ones like for Superstar and Once More With Feeling.

    7. Charlotte Lucas*

      The Musketeers
      Shakespeare and Hathaway
      Psych – especially when they do the episode -specific versions
      Charmed (original series)
      Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
      Agatha Raisin

      I have always loved the Gorey Masterpiece Mystery intro and wish there were a show based on that intro.

      2. WeirdChemist*

        Loooove Psych’s! You always knew you were in for a treat when it was the longer version or one of the special covers!

        I also now have the season 1 Crazy Ex Girlfriend theme stuck in my head lol. Might need to go on another YouTube binge for some of the songs from that show….

        1. RC*

          I decided to use Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s Season 2 theme song as my handwashing song (starting) early in the pandemic, since it’s just about 30 seconds long. Far more entertaining than “happy birthday twice through” or whatever else it is. Bonus points when it showed up in the main show each season.

          Also, way back when when TV recaps were just a new thing, the recapper would mark the credits with “And now is the time on Alias when we dance” because yes that was a catchy theme song (at least the first 2 seasons anyway).

      4. Brevity*

        Look up the *original* theme (YouTube has it) back when it was just “Mystery!” as opposed to “Masterpiece Mystery”, in the seventies when it was hosted by Vincent Price, then Diana Rigg. My parents watched “Mystery!” without fail every Sunday night, and I loved that opening sequence. The Masterpiece Mystery theme is only a truncated version.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I remember as a kid getting so excited and then disappointed when the actual show wasn’t a cartoon!

    8. Chaordic One*

      Classic Sitcoms: The Mary Tyler Moore Show (You’re Gonna Make It After All); Newhart (the opening scenes were culled from leftover footage from the movie, “On Golden Pond”; The Ted Knight Show (the spinoff from “Too Close for Comfort”); and Grace Under Fire (A Perfect World).

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      Good Omens! The intro is like an I Spy of show characters and easter eggs, but my favorite is how the end credits do themed variations of the music (so for example the episode that takes place in Scotland is played on bagpipes).

      2. Geriatric Rocker*

        I don’t know how many viewings it took for me to realise that the song Crowley as the nanny sings to Warlock is the theme tune.

    10. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I loved the His Dark Materials show opening credits, they were beautiful and changed every season, and I think the show has a brilliant soundtrack.

    12. Middle Name Jane*

      Love this question!

      The Golden Girls
      The Facts of Life
      Scooby Doo, Where Are You?
      Inspector Gadget
      Mad Men
      Alias
      Maude
      Diff’rent Strokes
      The Sopranos
      Sex and the City

      1. Busy Middle Manager*

        Nesting here because we overlap.

        Yes the intro of later seasons of Facts of Life always puts me in a good mood
        Later seasons intro of Gimme a Break is basically a song that reminds me of Pointer Sisters type mid 80s pop and I love it
        Also adding Punky Brewster, Muppets, and Are you Afraid of the Dark, Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon, Ducktales intros

        (all of these overlap if you’re Xennial age range, even though they’re spread out over many years:-))

      2. Hello, it's me*

        Oldie but goodie–Bewitched. The reruns are still shown on weekdays here, and the music always makes me smile.

    13. Audrey*

      My toddler is obsessed with Bluey and I have to say I’m not mad when the theme gets stuck in my head

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Wait THAT’S how they got the spooky theme tune? You really do learn something new every day huh…

    17. AnReAr*

      The cartoon Cyber 6 had a really good opening. The openings to the three Hilda seasons are pretty good. And of course the first Pokemon theme.

      For live action things my biggest one is Psych, I never ever skip it. I rarely skip Monk’s opening, first season or the later (and better) Jungle one. Had to stop watching House but it also had a good opening.

    18. Happily Retired*

      Two extremes, I guess:
      – Mary Tyler Moore Show
      – All the incarnations of The Wire, whose theme was “Way Down in the Hole”, with a different artist each season. My favorites were by The Blind Boys of Alabama (Season 1) and Steve Earle (Season 5.) Tom Waits wrote it, and his version was used for Season 2, but a little Tom Waits goes a looooong way with me.

    19. RLC*

      Twin Peaks. For me, nothing will ever compare to the collaboration of David Lynch and Angelo Badalamenti.

      2. The Prettiest Curse*

        Such a great credits sequence – it really draws you into the world of the show, which is something that all good credit sequences for fictional shows should do.

    20. The Dude Abides*

      Music – kinda cheating, but the CSI shows (all had songs by The Who).

      I miss the 90s version of the Jeopardy theme, not much into the softer orchestra version used nowadays.

    21. Jackalope*

      My Happy Marriage is an anime show and I enjoy the first season’s opening scene (and the second one two but it doesn’t feel as familiar). I enjoyed the bits from the show and figuring out more and more as time went along what they referred to.

      I had a second one but I’m super tired and blanked, so I’ll post later if I remember.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Absolutely with you, Goldfeesh. I love Northern Exposure–it reminds me of a small mountain town I lived in decades ago, complete with the mix of characters, local and non-! I keep hoping one of the retro TV channels will re-air at least the first couple of seasons.

        1. Goldfeesh*

          If you have Amazon Prime it’s on there. And yeah, the first couple of seasons (all 12ish episodes) were the best.

    25. Six Feldspar*

      I like Psych and The Simpsons for the different variations/jokes, and Elementary and The X Files for the design

    26. The Prettiest Curse*

      As someone who grew up watching sports shows on the BBC, I have a lot of affection for the credits to Match of the Day (a theme tune so iconic that an ice cream van in my area uses a version of it) and Ski Sunday (absolute banger of a theme tune combined with lots of footage of skiers falling over.) The current 60th anniversary version of the Match of the Day credits is particularly fun, since it incorporates vintage footage of past footballers.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I loved What We Do in the Shadows. I would always try to sing along, but I was usually laughing at the cold open too much to actually do it.

    28. Helvetica*

      Ooh, I love a good TV opening credits music!

      Dalgliesh (2021) – moody piano/violin, lovely crescendoing music.
      Victoria (2017 series with Jenna Coleman) – fits the series so well.
      Poirot (1989 BBC version) – just always gets me in the mood for a mystery and creates a wonderful era-appropriate mood.
      Westworld – HBO opening music are always amazing but this one takes the cake for me. Just so enjoyable.

    29. The h is silent*

      We walked down the aisle at our wedding to the Detectorists theme so it has a special place in my heart. The first time we saw Johnny Flynn live, my husband had contacted him asking him to play it without telling me. In the encore, he shushed the crowd then said he’d never played it at a show but had been asked to and explained why. Such a lovely moment.

      For nostalgia I like the X Files and er. Early Doors is good too as is Royle Family

      1. Autumn*

        So magical. Perfect wedding song.
        Here are the lyrics because I love them:

        Will you search through the loamy earth for me?
        Climb through the briar and bramble
        I’ll be your treasure
        I felt the touch of the kings and the breath of the wind
        I knew the call of all the song birds
        They sang all the wrong words
        I’m waiting for you
        I’m waiting for you
        Will you swim through the briny sea for me?
        Roll along the ocean’s floor?
        I’ll be your treasure
        I’m with the ghosts of the men who can never sing again
        There’s a place, follow me
        Where a love lost at sea
        Is waiting for you
        Is waiting for you

    30. Still*

      What a fun question!

      I used to get annoyed at a friend who didn’t let me skip the intro to Gilmore Girls but it didn’t take long before I converted and now my partner and I always sing along to it.

      The song in the Suits intro is excellent!

      My mum always enjoys movie intros: the 20th Century Fox and the like. It puts her in that cinema mood.

      I actually think the Netflix ta-dum is very satisfying, whoever created it has done a great job.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        I’ve had the Suits theme song stuck in my head on and off for the past few weeks.

      2. allathian*

        The 20th Century Fox one always gives me an earworm of the Star Wars theme. It always gives me a little jolt to hear anything else instead, even when I know without a doubt that I’m watching something else.

        1. Water Everywhere*

          ME TOO. Star Wars had such a big impact on kid-me that I can’t hear the one theme without anticipating the other!

    31. RussianInTexas*

      Fringe, The Expanse, Game of Thrones, Resident Alien, Firefly. I sense a theme!
      But also the new Hawaii Five-O for the cheesiness, and the old Highlander, for the nostalgia.
      Also, Babylon 5, especially the later seasons, so dramatic.

      3. Helvetica*

        Can’t believe I forgot about Fringe! Love that theme so much. Bonus points for how they also used the visual elements to give clues about episodes/worlds.

    32. StrayMom*

      Thanks for such a fun question to brighten a rainy Saturday morning!
      All Creatures Great and Small (the new series) is especially lovely.
      I’ve been re-watching the original versions of Frasier, and the subtle changes to the Space Needle (airplanes, elevators, etc.) are clever! And usually the end credits are as funny as any bit in the show (“Scambled eggs”)
      Also Cheers will always be a favorite!

    33. The OG Sleepless*

      House of Cards! We took family trips to DC in early spring when it looked like that, so that was always nostalgic for us too.

    34. Citymouse*

      A lot already mentioned are great. I think Star Trek Voyager had the best Trek opening with all the planet shots. Strange New Worlds does that too.

      Mad Men had a great opening too.

    35. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Jeeves and Wooster
      The Avengers 1960s tv series (Rigg/Macnee years)
      Dr. Who 1970s
      Barney Miller

    36. GoryDetails*

      Most of my favorites are from decades ago – and mostly westerns: Maverick, Bonanza. Rawhide, High Chapparal…

      And perhaps my favorite:

      “The Ballad of Paladin” for “Have Gun, Will Travel”: fun fact, it wasn’t the original theme, but a young singer named Johnny Western guest-starred in one episode, loved the experience so much he wrote the ballad (with input from star Richard Boone and show-creator Sam Rolfe), and it became the official theme in the next season. (I love Johnny Western’s singing – a powerful deep voice – so when I saw him on that episode as an extremely young-looking lad whose voice shouldn’t even have broken yet, it was rather surprising!)

      1. Goldfeesh*

        Oh, how could have I have forgotten Have Gun, Will Travel. I need to watch that show more, I generally feel smarter for having watched it.

    37. Scout Finch*

      Jesse Stone (made for TV) movies. The music is written by Jeff Beal & I could listen to “Paradise (Jesse’s Theme) on repeat forever. Jeff Beal has a playlist of all the Jesse Stone music on YouTube.

    40. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I really like the How I Met Your Mother theme music, something about how the harmony and melody interact just feels very pleasing to me.

    41. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      Babylon 5, but not the first season. The more bombastic ones :)

    45. Young Enough*

      The song “Young Enough” by George Leach that is the opening credits music for APTNs Cashing In.

    46. Anonymous Cat*

      Farscape! It had a thrilling opening of a lost human astronaut sending a message back to Earth.

      It’s bittersweet now though because the original version had the line “Earth Is NOT Prepared” which gave me a danger thrill.

      Then 9/11 happened and they changed that line.

    47. Katy*

      Hill Street Blues is my absolute favorite, although I’ve only seen a few episodes of the show. It’s such a beautiful, delicate Mike Post theme, and it goes so well with the shots of the police car heading out through rainy streets.

    49. Professor Dame Cornelia Gruntfuttock*

      I love the opening music and film for Orange is the New Black.

    50. Forensic13*

      The first sequences for Dexter were great, even if I got bored with the show after the first season.

      Another vote for Gravity Falls and What We Do in the Shadows, especially for their theme songs.

      1. Dexterrrr*

        I’m surprised not to see Dexter on more folks’ lists! The opening credits gave me chills every time – a perfect setup for the show.

    52. Chaordic One*

      I also have to mention the opening sequences for the current version of All Creatures Great and Small. The music is quite an earworm and I have had it stuck in my head several times. I really like the animated pastoral scenes of the English countryside.

      2. An Australian in London*

        I’m just waiting for someone to tell this Administration that the schools are full of Arabic numerals.

      1. allathian*

        Given the state of the world, I feel the Romulan greeting is more apt: Live long and suffer!

    5. The Prettiest Curse*

      Even though my husband is really into Star Trek, he didn’t remember this date! After this post, we re-watched Star Trek: First Contact yesterday, and most of it holds up pretty well.

      1. o_gal*

        But there are a ton of plot holes (we rewatched it too, annual tradition.) The biggest one is why, at the end, when they just casually talk about reversing and going back to their time – why in the world do you not calculate going back BEFORE the battle? So you could just have every single Star Fleet vehicle just all aim at the Borg toilet port and be done with it?

  5. Rogue Slime Mold*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Finished Season 3 of Upload. It was fine. Oddly my favorite character is Ingrid, who could be so thin as written, but sells the hell out of every motivational speech she gives. (And should listen to herself.) She’s also the character where you don’t know where she’s going to go.

    Almost through Season 2 of Surface. I feel like the two seasons each work as a pretty decent thriller on their own, but don’t combine well? Like learning in S2 about what Sophie cared about before her memory loss, I’m perplexed what she was even doing in San Francisco before S1. And in S2, this seems a large amount of information to leave for yourself when you don’t expect to lose your memory–it’s hard to tell when she learned all this intel. And I don’t know what she wants, in terms of “And the steps she has taken would logically result in this.”

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I couldn’t remember where I stopped watching Murdoch Mysteries, so I started from season one again. I’m waiting for all episodes (6) of Ludwig to be available in Canada so I can binge watch it.

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      Most recent season of All Creatures Great and Small. Great comfort watching.

      Farscape in between other things. I like it. The characters are complex, the practical effects are phenomenal, and there is definitely a sense of alienness that most SF shows don’t quite achieve.

      1. Clara Bowe*

        Farscape is SO GOOD. I watched it in it’s initial run and while there are some questionable episodes, as a full piece it is probably one of the most narratively satisfying tv shows I have ever watched. Have a great time!!

    3. Clara Bowe*

      I have started watching 9-1-1 on Hulu. It is both SO silly, and so casually diverse I am delighted. It is also pretty neat that after the first season, all the characters just? LIKE each other? It’s weird that the bar is that low, but eh. It is fun and silly.

        1. Clara Bowe*

          See, I am usually a “If Gina Torres, then Yes Clara Bowe!” but I am HESITANT about Lonestar because of my bias against Rob Lowe. I am sure he’s fine, but I have an irrational NOPE reaction to him. Is it worth overcoming that?

          1. RussianInTexas*

            He is very much a Rob Lowe, if that makes sense. I enjoy the show for the completely insane scenarios and the filming location not at all being the actual Austin.

            1. Clara Bowe*

              Ahhh, yeah, likely not for me then. BUT. I respect your reasoning for watching. I barely remember the show, but when Revolution was originally set in Illinois and the Mountains Of Chicago were visible in the background, I 100% kept watching until I couldn’t.

      3. GoryDetails*

        I like 9-1-1 too (I have a weakness for rescue/firefighting/hospital shows), but it does get quite harrowing at times; poor Maddy gets several major-trauma arcs, and she’s not the only one.

        I do enjoy the cameraderie overall, but I can’t help thinking that once in a while it gets a bit too close to “we’re faaaaamily” territory. Yes, they work together and, on long shifts, live together, and rely on each other in life-and-death situations… but it’d be nice if they made room for people who just wanted to be good co-workers, not necessarily new members of an extended family. (Then again, I’m a serious introvert, so ALL films and TV shows that have their main cast spending every waking minute together, socializing and gossiping and working as one, walking into each other’s apartments without warning – they’d give me nightmares if I thought I’d have to live like that {grin}!)

        1. Clara Bowe*

          Oh, if this show didn’t immediately scream “suspend all disbelief now” from every direction I would 100% nope out of the “We’re FAAAAAAMMMMMIIILLLLYYYYYYY!!!” stuff. But then, I am the person in my DND game who’s character is all “I met you people three weeks ago, we are barely coworkers” even though the campaign is four years deep.

          Still, it is fun fluff! With big catastrophes!!!

    4. Daria grace*

      I’m watching the new season of travel competition show Jetlag which is on YouTube and Nebula. It’s super fun. This time they have internet legend Tom Scott playing who is way more competitive than I expected

      1. Tiny Clay Insects*

        Oh my gosh, I can’t believe someone else posted about Jet Lag, and so quickly after the thread was opened!

        I’d never watched any of Tom Scott’s videos before, but he’s great! I’m really enjoying how intense and anxious he gets. I think he’s my second favorite guest (after Toby Hendy, who is just the most wonderful person ever).

        1. Daria Grace*

          Definitely worth watching some of Tom Scott’s videos. He’s not releasing new ones these days but released weekly ones usually on science, history or linguistics for a decade.

        2. Annie*

          I think you would enjoy the Tom Scott Plus episodes where he is getting tracked with an AirTag and chasing one with an AirTag. There is also a Tom Scott Plus episode with the Jet Lag team. And he has also invited the team on his Lateral show.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Halfway through The Last Detective, starring Peter Davison. Always get a giggle when he’s knocking on a Tardis-blue door, and his character owns a St. Bernard that I covet.

      I want to start The Residence on Netflix soon too.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Almost forgot! Truck Turner was on Screenpix and it is such fun! A really good print, and Nichelle Nichols is hilarious as the foulest-mouthed woman in LA by a mile.

    6. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I’m rewatching old seasons of Jet Lag the Game, while watching the new episodes of Season 13 when they drop on Wednesdays.

      Jet Lag the Game was recommended to me by my teenage stepson. It’s a travel game show on YouTube, run by three 20-something guys. My husband and I were highly skeptical, but we got obsessed immediately. I recommend starting with “Tag Eur It,” their first season of tag across Europe. It’s seriously such a good show. I can’t recommend it highly enough. We even started paying for Nebula, the streaming service, because we get the episodes without ads, a week early, and also get access to their podcast.

    7. The Dude Abides*

      Tried to keep up with Suits LA, but neither my wife nor I are into it.

      I can’t relate to any of the characters like I could to Mike, and as hard as the new ones try, they can’t capture the confidence of Harvey.

      1. Poquito Gordito Pinguino*

        The Day of the Jackal – the new one in 10 parts, not the older movie. Still loosely based on Forsyth’s book but updated to modern times (ie the target is a tech mogul, not Charles de Gaulle). I thought it was really well acted and overall a great watch.

    8. allathian*

      Finished Picard. As a TNG fan i liked knowing that the crew had lives beyond Starfleet, and I was especially happy to learn that Geordi who was so spectacularly unlucky in love on TNG had a family (even if I found his overprotective attitude towards his Starfleet daughters annoying). I really enjoyed Seven’s character arc.

      That said, I found the second season better and the third season less satisfying than most.

      Just started Daredevil (2015) on Disney+. Looks interesting.

      1. Citymouse*

        I couldn’t get through Season 2. I saw time travel and the borg and I just wasn’t into that as an extended concept.

        1. allathian*

          You can skip season 2, although I recommend watching at least the second half of the finale, and watch season 3.

          We’ve also watched Solo Leveling.

    9. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been trying to watch Grosse Point Garden Society, and I just can’t seem to get into it.

      1. Empress Ki*

        I’ve just watched Adolescence. It’s about a 13 years old boy who is accused of murdering a girl. It’s also about toxic masculinity. Excellent actors. I recommend if you can handle psychological violence.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Ooh. I looked it up and started watching it now and I sense a binge in my immediate future, lol.

    10. Helvetica*

      I’ve been watching High Potential Information. It’s fun and Kaitlin Olsen is super charming, although I do find the mysteries a bit too easy, and the police a bit too incompetent. Of course, in every “extraordinary individual doing policework” show there must be an element of police incompetence but in this one, it is a bit too much.

      2. Katydid*

        We have been watching The Pitt on Max. I am an EMT and I saw a Dr say it was very realistic for a medical show. It is and very very sad sometimes but it has helped my husband understand some of the things I deal with on the rescue squad so we watch it in small doses.

    12. AnonymousOctopus*

      I’m watching Twin Peaks The Return for the first time (late to the game, I know). I just finished episode 8 and it rocked my socks off! I love arthouse cinema and David Lynch so I suppose I was the right audience, but I know it was very divisive when it first aired.

      Would I recommend it? Ehhhh. Even if you liked the original Twin Peaks the tone of this is very different. Much less soap opera drama, a lot more True Detective plus cosmic nightmare. That’s right up my alley and I’m loving it, but it’s probably hard to sit through if that isn’t your thing.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      Gannibal is back on Hulu! \0/

      It’s a Japanese horror series about a disgraced cop who gets sent to a small, isolated village to replace a predecessor who mysteriously disappeared. The village is run by a crime family, and the community has a horrifying secret. I found this show during the pandemic and was hooked immediately. Season 1 ended on a cliffhanger and I’ve been waiting AGES for it to resume.

      It’s well acted with compelling characters but also quite violent and dark, so if you’re a casual horror fan who is at all squeamish, exercise caution.

  6. WellRed*

    This one’s kinda silly but Morning Dews question reminded me. Does anyone actually enjoy chase in tv and movies? Foot chases down alleys, high speed car chases? They seem to go on forever and don’t add to the story. Don’t even get me started on the miraculous lack if traffic in cities like Boston, Chicago and LA. Maybe I just watch too many police procedurals ; )

    1. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I often enjoy them, in the sense of “here is a fun action scene, where the person may or may not escape their pursuers.” Foot chases more than car, as the former tend to stick to real world physics more. Basically they hit “Here’s a tricky problem to solve in a creative way.”

      I liked that Michael Weston in Burn Notice religiously did his cardio. And one antagonist toying with him had him sprint between locations because that kind of exertion makes your hands shake, so he wouldn’t be able to shoot accurately.

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      Hate obligatory chase scenes but love fun or funny ones.

      I love how at some point most characters in The Librarians say a version of the line: “This job sure has a lot of running!”

      I enjoyed the chase scene in the final Indiana Jones movie, because it was absolutely ridiculous.

      2. RC*

        Yes it probably says something or other about me that my answer is basically “if you’re talking about Wet Hot American Summer [which also has a training montage, of course] or the like, then sure,” heh.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I feel like action scenes in general don’t give my brain anything to “stick” to so I end up just zoning out. Occasionally if there’s some novelty aspect they’re fun, or if they’re more about suspense than action, but just fighting or cars or explosions don’t do much for me

      1. Sloanicota*

        I definitely feel that way during the obligatory “long battle” scene in most comic book movies. There’s sometimes two of them! I am rarely rapt.

      2. Cardboard Marmalade*

        Cars and explosions do nothing for me, but I did martial arts as a kid so watching a well choreographed fight scene is one of my greatest pleasures in life– I can feel it all in my own body, pure exhilaration, and no bruises or sprains at the end!

    4. RagingADHD*

      I enjoy really well done / clever ones that make it exciting – which usually involves showing the main character making split second surprising or unusual decisions – the Bourne movies, the Italian Job, the new Mr & Mrs Smith with Donald Glover, even the original Terminator.

      If it’s just a lot of running or car manouvers, no.

      And thinking about this, it seems like scenes of the protagonist *being chased* are more exciting than ones like police procedurals where the stakes are different.

      1. CheerfulGinger*

        The Bourne movies are my favorite car chase scenes, especially when Jason is driving and reading maps at the same time.

    5. Morning Dew*

      It’s so funny you mention this because I always fast forward chase scenes of any kind!

    6. Middle Name Jane*

      In classic comedies where it’s meant to be ridiculous, like “What’s Up, Doc?” or “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.”

      2. CTT*

        My favorite movie trivia is that the What’s Up Doc chase is so bonkers that it caused San Francisco to create a permitting system for filming because the chase did legit damage to the roads.

        1. Reluctant Mezzo*

          We owned a Volkswagen the first time we saw that movie and yes, they really do float like that (drove through an unexpected bit of flooding once and it was scary for a half-minute).

    7. Chaordic One*

      Every once in a while there’s one that good, but they’re usually pretty predictable and don’t add much of anything to the show or movie. When watching police procedurals I root for the bad guys to get away. (Bonus points if they actually get away!)

      When it comes to slapstick chases my mind always defaults to “The Benny Hill Show,” and the music piece called “Yakety Sax” played by Boots Randolph.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      For me it depends on the structure and circumstances–padding can be spotted a mile away, and there’s tons of cliches like “If the chase is in San Francisco, there WILL be a dragon dance parade no matter what day of the year it is to run through.” If the chase is using the physical space well it can add to the tension, though.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Have you noticed how, sometimes, the chase will be filmed at a fairly slow pace and then they will speed up the film of the chase?

      2. The OG Sleepless*

        The Baby Driver chase scene that I mentioned below does a great job with this. The drivers encounter everything you run into in downtown ATL: hills, sudden curves, concrete barriers that appear out of nowhere, small one-way cross streets, people who double park on Peachtree Street for no reason, mind-boggling interstate ramps, and hotshots who race right through everybody like they just don’t care.

      3. Chaordic One*

        And don’t forget the fruit stand. There’s always a fruit stand to crash into and drive through.

    9. Hello, it's me*

      Cops often see a suspect in the distance, and immediately yell, “Police! Halt!” I guess it’s only fair to give the guy a head start:)

    10. allathian*

      Depends on how they’re done. Action for its own sake rarely does anything for me, and the interminable CGI destruction is simply boring, like the last 20 minutes of Man of Steel, for example.

      Clever chase scenes, like the mine carts in Temple of Doom, are fun.

      That said, I enjoy the older physical chase scenes more than CGI ones, a case in point, Bullitt. Chase scenes have been a part of movie making for as long as movies have existed, but Bullitt (1968) was one of the first, if not the first movie where the chase was the point of the movie. Many people who’ve never seen the movie have seen the iconic 10-minute car chase across downtown San Francisco.

    11. Angstrom*

      It can depend on how they’re shot and cut. Some are so choppy — all closeups of pounding feet and anxious faces — that you can’t tell the relative positions of the participants, which is where the suspense should come from.
      The best movie chase scene is the model train sequence in the Wallace & Gromit “The Wrong trousers”. Brilliant.

      1. Annie*

        Oh, I actually saw a short about that a couple of days ago. I will post the link below. I have never seen the movie but I don’t know how many chase scenes there are in that series so I will assume that is indeed the chase scene you are walking about.

    12. Huckleberry*

      Chases are like anything in movies/TV; they’re good if they’re well done. If you’re watching a lot of police procedurals, then you’re probably not watching ones that are well done. I’m not saying that to be snobby, it’s the nature of their production values. A lot of work goes into putting together a chase scene that makes sense visually and narratively (just look at the work that went into the chases in a dumb comedy like the Blues Brothers). Procedurals are on very quick shooting schedules and don’t have the time or money to invest in it, so it’s going to be flat.

    14. The OG Sleepless*

      Occasionally I’ll see one that is done with such skill that it really grabs me. Case in point: the opening car chase scene in Baby Driver. The driving and the filming are both extraordinary. Also it starts in downtown Atlanta two blocks from where my daughter lives, so the familiar setting doesn’t hurt.

    15. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I am a child of the 1970s, so yes! They have to be well done, though, and I prefer the way older chase scenes were filmed. Some of my favorites are in *What’s Up Doc?*, *Foul Play*, *Magnum Force* (I think that’s the one where Dirty Harry races the remote-controlled car), (all in San Francisco, now that I think of it) and *Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry* (which is just about all chase scene).

    16. SuprisinglyADHD*

      A well-done chase scene either adds tension, continues the plot, adds character development, or provides fun stunts/action shots (or some combination). An unnecessary or dragged out chase scene drags the movie to a halt and completely stops the plot. I’ve seen a lot more of the latter in recent years, but the worst offender that springs to mind is Spider Man: Across the Spiderverse (the second recent animated spider man movie). The “climactic” chase takes a huge chunk of the movie and adds nothing, just shot after shot of different spider-folk from across the multiverse. I feel like a lot of recent movies have terrible pacing in general.
      On the other side of the spectrum is The Bad Guys, where the chase scenes also help develop various characters motivations and relationships to each other, AND continue to develop the plot, because there’s more happening than “A runs, B follows.” People are talking, finding out stuff they didn’t know, existing plans are revealed more fully to the audience, and the stakes are raised to the climax.
      And for “fun stunts and action shots,” nothing beats The Blues Brothers movie which includes driving through a mall, jumping a drawbridge, flinging a cop car into a moving tractor trailer, crashing another car off an unfinished overpass, and creating the biggest car pile-up in movies to date, followed by one group riding an elevator while the other races them up the stairs.

    17. Chaordic One*

      There are always the well-known classic car chase scenes in the movies Bullit, Vanishing Point, and Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry. A while ago I saw a very old TV movie called Duel that starred actor Dennis Weaver and that was very well done. The whole movie is a car chase with Weaver being chased and menaced by a semi-truck. It was directed by a then unknown Steven Spielberg and helped to launch his career as a director. Finally, I think we need to mention the car chase that provided the ending of Thelma and Louise.

        1. Chaordic One*

          It was originally a fairly low budget TV movie and it just screams “remake.” I would love that. With a female protagonist replacing Weaver in the lead role, please.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      I like them if they add to the story or move it along. If they’re just showcases for action star parkour or stunt driving, meh.

  7. Tierrainney*

    Book recommendation

    thanks to Sara K* in a previous weekend thread that recommended Naomi Novik’s Scholomancy trilogy. I’m not sure why it resonated so strongly, but I have a new favorite.

    I got the first one from the library and read it in one day. then I requested the next 2 from the library, but realized when I had read it a second time and was about to start a third that maybe I just needed to buy my own copies.

    so if anyone has anymore recommendations with a similar style, please post them!

    1. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I love this trilogy, and have lost count of my rereads. I bring away something new each time.

      For me it’s tied to Murderbot, because in both the protagonist already has their incredible bad ass abilities. What they don’t have is a team, and the first book is about finding that for the first time, and what that means to them. And to having their badass abilities make a much bigger impact on their environment.

      Possibly Dungeon Crawler Carl series, which is building toward forming wide teams who work together?

    2. M&M Mom*

      I love Elinor Lipman! I have not read the new book yet, but I have it on hold at the library. The Inn at Lake Devine is my favorite.

    4. Forensic13*

      I loved that series so much! I love characters that are justifiably crabby or cowardly or any normal human emotion in bad circumstances.

      I really love the first book by David O’Malley called The Rook for that reason. Couldn’t get into the two sequels, but the first is on my top five favorite books list.

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      In the middle of Oranges are Not the Only Fruit, which is gorgeous and poetic, like all of Jeanette Winterson’s work. Also rereading some Shirley Jackson, who rules the short story form like no one else.

    6. IT Manager*

      I love, love love this series and also now own them after multiple library readings.

      Not sure this is exactly the same style, but I get similar emotions from the Gregor the Overlander series, by (Hunger Games author) Suzanne Collins. Aimed at a slightly younger audience but I adore this series.

      Also if you haven’t already read Novik’s Temeraire series, these are also lovely. Dragons rather than magic, but similarly used in an alternate way… an alternate history of the nepoleanic wars.

    7. Hyaline*

      For fantasy and academia combo, the Emily Wilde books and extra big rec for H.G. Parry’s The Scholar and the Last Faerie Door. Probably the best thing I read last year.

    8. Citymouse*

      They’re not perfect but Seanen McGuire’s Incryptid series scratches a similar itch for me. I like that she’s prolific so I can always get one off of Libby immediately whenever I want.

      1. Palmer*

        I love Seanan!

        I actually have met her a few times in an overlapping hobby space. One day I might build up the confidence to ask if she’d read a chapter of a book I’m writing.

    10. Palmer*

      LOVED Scholomancy. I binged the trilogy in a few days.

      Novik’s Temeraire series and Spinning Silver are great as well.

      You might like NK Jemisin, she’s another of my favorite authors. Broken Earth Trilogy is a great apocalypse series. 1000 Kingdoms is a bit slow to start but has a really cool deity-centric story.

      The Mirror Visitor Quartet by Christelle Dabos is a big tension heavy but has interesting worldbuilding and cool magics

    11. Unreal Sonia*

      Novak has recently published a short story collection, Buried Deep, which has a lovely variety of stories and would give you a good taster of her other works. There are a couple of stories from the Temeraire setting including a Pride and Prejudice crossover with Elizabeth Bennett as a dragon rider. There are also some of her darker fairytales – if you enjoy them there are some beautiful standlone novels waiting for you.

  8. Middle Name Jane*

    Could use good wishes from the AAM community. I’m worried about my 14 year old cat, and we’ve got a vet appointment tomorrow. She gets twice yearly senior checkups, and she had good labs a couple months ago.

    But she has a history over grooming that we haven’t been able to resolve. She also has arthritis (Solensia didn’t help). She’s been clingy and just not quite herself lately. I’m doing my very best but stay guilt-ridden that we haven’t been able to fix the cause of her over grooming or effectively treat her arthritis.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Not to diagnose, but the overgrooming might possibly not be anything too, too serious. A friend’s cat was doing that, and it turned out the cat had allergies and was just kinda itchy.

    6. Forrest Rhodes*

      My 19-year-old tuxie and I are sending best vibes to your 14-year-old and you, Jane. All hopes that you receive good news.

  9. Daria grace*

    I’ve started reading the book May You Have Delicious Meals by Junko Takase which seems like the kind of thing a lot of readers here might be into. It’s a short novel about food related power dynamics and drama in a Japanese office

  10. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs.

    The most recent book that I finished this week was So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson. It’s a nonfiction book about extreme shaming in the internet age. It was alright, and I enjoyed reading the personal anecdotes, but… it felt like he was grasping for a conclusion and never really got there, and just hoped that if he kept writing and finished up the book that no one would notice. I felt dissatisfied when I finished.

    1. Atheist Nun*

      I read and can recommend Careless People: A Cautionary Tale of Power, Greed, and Lost Idealism by Sarah Wynn-Williams. It was a great complement to The Chaos Machine by Max Fisher. Fisher’s book impressed me with its analysis of numerous studies on the ill effects of social media. Wynn-Williams’ book is gossipy in its salacious descriptions of the work environment of Facebook.

        1. the cat's pajamas*

          I’m in the middle of the audiobook for Careless People, it’s depressing but excellent, and the author includes some really good side anecdotes.

    2. Silent E*

      I read that book a few weeks ago and I was left with the exact same impression. I did recall it again yesterday when I saw one of those “Your Speed” flashing signs on the road yesterday. I was quite curious about the book and its premise; the content was very interesting, but I was also disappointed at how it fizzled at the end. I wonder if he ran out of time/funds?

      1. Jackalope*

        I feel like he didn’t come to any actual conclusions about anything other than “shaming people = bad”, but he’d already gone through all of the interviews and was invested so he decided to publish anyway. Which doesn’t make it a bad book per se but it does make me a bit cranky.

        Also there was at least one of the people he interviewed where he said that later they were having second thoughts and wanted to withdraw but he felt that they were too important to the book so he wrote about them anyway. And it seemed like a kind of lousy decision. Here’s a person whose life was destroyed (at least for awhile) by this shaming event and they didn’t want their feelings shared with the world (a world that had been deeply cruel to them) and he published anyway?

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I gave up on Long Bright River. I really enjoyed God of the Woods by the same author and kept hearing this one was as good or better, but was on the fence from the start because the premise wasn’t something I would’ve chosen without that context.

      Started The Wind Knows My Name for book club and haven’t gotten super into it so far but it’s fine. I also checked out Adam Ellis’s book of horror stories because I enjoy his shorter form comics and got a kick out of his Dear David social media story a few years back. I’m looking forward to reading something quick and easy!

    4. Teacher Lady*

      This week I started reading for Arab-American Heritage Month with Huda F Are You? by Huda Fahmy (YA graphic novel) and The Wrong End of the Telescope by Rabih Alameddine (adult fiction), both of which I would enthusiastically recommend. I really enjoyed how much The Wrong End of the Telescope zoomed in on the individual characters in a fairly bleak setting – the novel is about an Arab trans woman who volunteers as a doctor for mostly-Syrian refugees in Greece during the height of the Mediterranean refugee crisis – which didn’t detract from the weight of it all, but did add an important buffer of individual human personalities and decisions that for me, at least, offered some hope. Despite the weighty subject matter, this was a book that didn’t overwhelm me with despair. (Not quite the “joy” that I requested for this month’s reading a few weeks back, but hope and light.)

      I will be starting Fencing with the King tomorrow, and probably following that up with another one of Huda Fahmy’s graphic novels, since those are fairly quick reads and next week is busy for me.

    5. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I have fallen down the Dungeon Crawler Carl rabbit hole. Because while I don’t do MRPGs, and normally hate gore, and so I didn’t think this would be a me story (I bought it as a gift for my son), it’s a story about people who are being crapped on and only have bad choices, and stubbornly don’t give up and find ways to persevere and help each other. The game mechanics parts go a bit over my head, but the human reactions and interactions are really great and grounded. (Like Guardians of the Galaxy–it was never going to withstand scrutiny into how the spaceship works, but it’s a great story about people that resonates.)

      One of my cats bears a strong resemblance to Princess Donut in terms of self confidence.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’ve been reading Dominion of Blades by the same author and it has a similar feel, though I probably wouldn’t have been as hooked if I’d read this one before inhaling the Dungeon Crawler Carl series first.

    6. NorthernLibearian*

      I was emotionally wrecked by Sunrise on the Reaping by Suzanne Collins. YA or not it’s great.
      Reading Revenge of the Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell, it’s good.
      Listening to Year of Living Constitutionally by A.J. Jacobs. I love his stuff, and admire his wife’s patience,

      1. Forensic13*

        I really enjoyed Sunrise of the Reaping too! Collins isn’t a *perfect* writer, but she really gets how to write those social justice issues into the storyline without it being too preachy or generic.

      2. A*

        My son is reading The Hunger Games for school so I re-read the original trilogy to discuss it with him. I am really glad I re-read before Sunrise on the Reaping because I was the pointing Leo meme many, many times.

        I know a lot of people are critical of Collin’s depiction of a dystopian future but this has been a really great entry point for a lot of discussion in my household.

      3. Dark Macadamia*

        How does it compare to Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, anyone who read that one? I LOVED the original trilogy and was so disappointed with Ballad that I’m not really interested in trying the new one any time soon.

        1. A*

          It was better than Ballad but not as good at the original trilogy.

          To me, Ballad read like fan fiction. This one read like Collins wrote it. It also feels like Collins is keenly aware the fans have an affection for Haymitch as a not-quite-anit-hero-not-quite-hero character.

        2. Forensic13*

          I liked Ballad a lot until (no spoiler) the part after that book’s round of yhe hunger games. I wasn’t particularly invested in the things that happened after that, and it felt like it was stretched out a lot.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      In the middle of Oranges are Not the Only Fruit, which is gorgeous and poetic, like all of Jeanette Winterson’s work. Also rereading some Shirley Jackson, who rules the short story form like no one else.

      (copy/paste from another thread)

    8. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I’m finally reading the first Murderbot, after all the recommendations here!

    9. Double A*

      I’m about halfway through Robin Hobb’s Assassin’s Apprentice and really enjoying it.

      I just wrapped up my re-read of Rachel Bach’s Paradox series (Fortune’s Pawn, Honor’s Knight, Heaven’s Queen) because I loved it so much the first time and I’ve been chasing that high ever since. So I just decided to go to the source and reread it. And I’m glad to say, it totally held up and I think it’s going to be a comfort read that I return to over the years. It’s such a great balance of action and romance and the main character kicks ass. If anyone has any books to recommend in that vein, send them my way.

      1. allathian*

        Have you read Robin Hobb’s books before? If not, you’re in for a treat. I re-read them last summer. My favorite’s the Liveship Traders trilogy, but the way all the books tell different parts of the same overall story’s very satisfying. Everything fits together.

          1. allathian*

            Yes, me too. But oddly enough I can’t stand the stories she writes as Megan Lindholm. Apparently I can read almost any amount of fantasy violence but the more realistic body horror violence turned my stomach. The short story collection The Inheritance contains stories by both pseudonyms.

          2. Bike Walk Bake Books*

            I found Robin Hobb thanks to someone’s recommendation on this thread a while back and absolutely tore through all the related books. Love love love.

        2. Double A*

          No it’s my first! He’s definitely going on my list to read more of, Assassin’s Apprentice is excellent.

    10. Aneurin*

      Just started The Carnation Revolution by Alex Fernandes, a (non-fiction) account of the 1974 overthrow of Portugal’s fascist dictatorship. I’m not far enough in to have an opinion on the book, but I’m looking forward to learning more about a piece of history I’m not familiar with.

    11. GoryDetails*

      Am nearing the end of Robert Macfarlane’s Underland, which is beautiful and terrifying and poetic and awesome by turns (and sometimes all at once). Strongly, strongly recommended!

      Also reading: Northern Nights, an anthology of speculative fiction by Canadian authors – some entries pretty dark so far.

      Audiobook: an Audible Original (which I wish were available in print!): Dragon Day by Bob Proehl, with a full voice-cast. It’s an oral-history format account of the history of the re-emergence of dragons on modern-day Earth. I like that format – snippets of interviews with survivors from different locations, weaving into a larger narrative; a notable one was Max Brooks’ World War Z, and there’s a themed-anthology War of the Worlds: Global Dispatches, viewing the events of Wells’ novel. Each entry there is written by a different author – and from the point of view of yet another author or historical character, so we have Robert Silverberg describing the Martian attack as if witnessed by Henry James, or Connie Willis giving her version as if written by Emily Dickinson… So far the dragon book is interesting – and very, very grisly; not sure whether it will all come together or not, but I’m enjoying it.

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I have misplaced (!?) the book I was in the middle of, *What Happened to Ruthy Ramirez*, which I was enjoying a lot.

      Currently reading a Carl Hiaasen, *Striptease*, one of his typical comic crime-related novels. It’s fine. Perfectly acceptable to while away the time on a bus ride or something.

    13. Teapot Translator*

      I read Arms of Nemesis by Steven Saylor. I would recommend it to people who like ancient history and murder mystery, but I think the last chapter was unnecessary and made the book weaker.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re Arms of Nemesis: I love Saylor’s entire “Roma Sub Rosa” series, and Nemesis is one of my favorites – ending and all {grin}.

    14. Bluebell Brenham*

      Until Next Summer by Ali Brady was a cute romance with a summer camp plot. Then I enjoyed America Let Me In by Felipe Torres Medina. He’s a writer for Colbert, and it deals with visas and the immigration process, and it’s very funny. I had been a bit apprehensive that it would get heavy, but it only touches briefly on undocumented immigration. Instead it includes various examples, including being an Eastern European model from a small country. There are footnotes from his legal advisor too.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      I felt similarly about Ronson’s book. It didn’t seem to deliver on the premise.

      I finished How to Stand Up to a Dictator by Maria Ressa. Also Disappearance at Devil’s Rock by Paul Tremblay. I could not put that one down!

    16. Lizard*

      I finished All Fours by Miranda July. There were some parts that I liked more than I expected to – the parts about motherhood, menopause, and aging. But mostly I did not like being inside the narrator’s head for 336 pages. And the weird parts were…pretty weird. But I thought the writing was good, and I think it will make for a good book club discussion!

      I’m currently reading The Women by Kristin Hannah, which is about a Vietnam nurse during the war and her reception when she comes home. It’s a fictional story, but my friend’s grandfather said that it’s the most accurate account of the Vietnam nurse experience that he’s read. So far, I’m enjoying it but not loving it. The parts about her reception after she returns have been the most engaging to me.

      2. Ali + Nino*

        I think Miranda July has kind of made weirdness her “thing.” Source: her film “Me and you And everyone we know” So freaking weird and not in a good way imho

    17. Dontbeadork*

      In the middle of *Vera Wong’s Guide to Dating a Dead Man* and thoroughly enjoying it. My husband got me *Vera Wong’s Unsolicited Advice for Murderers* as a birthday present a couple of years ago, which lead me to *Dial A for Aunties*. While I quite enjoyed the Aunties books, they do seem a bit — same-ish? One Trick Pony-ish in a way Vera doesn’t.

      This is not to say I don’t recommend the Aunties, but they really are not books you want to read back to back. Vera has the advantage of less second-hand embarrassment for the reader. I do hope to see a third eventually.

      1. Teacher Lady*

        I DNFed Dial A for Aunties because I found the aunties themselves (the characters) to be completely indistinguishable (and, frankly, obnoxious). Fairly same-y plots is quite common in cozy mysteries; I’m not certain whether Aunties was originally marketed that way (I’m pretty sure it came onto my radar via Romance Twitter), but that’s definitely what it is.

      2. I can’t spell annonymouse*

        I loved the first Vera Wong book and yet DNF the aunties—blamed it on the narrator but maybe it was the book itself. So very excited to see Vera back with another book—thank you (fingers crossed it’s the same narrator)!!

    18. carcinization*

      I am reading Durst’s The Spellshop for book club. I had thought that this month was A Psalm for the Wild-Built, which is a much shorter book, so I realized that since book club is in a week and a half or so, I’d better start the former. I don’t read a lot of romance type books, but it seems odd to me that I’m around halfway through the book and don’t even know what the love interest looks like other than that he has a large frame and possibly something about his eye color. Meanwhile I know that the main character is blue and has magenta freckles, and that other characters are centaurs or have 4 arms. I guess the book is fine, but I don’t think I’ll be picking up the sequel or anything.

  11. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    Our D&D group had a Big Important Moment this week. We managed to save the world (phew!), but there’s another, darker enemy lurking. We’ll see how that goes.

    3. Daria grace*

      I’ve been playing Rollercoaster Tycoon 2. It’s more than 25 years old but it’s still a phenomenally well built compelling game. There’s a free open source add on pack called OpenRCT2 that fixes the bugs, adds features, allows the import of Rollercoaster Tycoon 1 scenarios and makes it work great on modern computers

    4. The Dude Abides*

      With the banhammer dropping, nervously waiting to see if it becomes a one-deck format centering around Boros Energy.

      Still slowly working towards my first cEDH deck (Plagon) – I have ~80 of the cards, just a matter of slowly finding and procuring the exact prints of the cards I need.

    5. Raia*

      I started 1000xRESIST and my brain is starting to get twisteddddd understanding the story, but I can’t wait for the finale when all the story points come together!

    6. Dontbeadork*

      I almost killed my Savage Pathfinder party. They’re doing urban mystery sorts of things and have been not so subtly suggesting that a good rousing fight would be fun, so I gave them one. Sadly, the dice were hot in the GM’s favor, so although everyone survived, I spent one of my GM bennies to keep a player alive. And then when they were finally out of the crypt and trying to heal up, the healing party (we’re a in a magic is tightly controlled world) rolled a critical fail on his healing roll. PC is definitely not dead, but if they can’t afford magical healing he will be next to useless for a month in game time.

      Other almost dead PC was mostly healed.

      When the job poster says the crypt is Perfectly Safe, don’t believe it. Not even if nothing happens until you retrieve the item and are starting back up to the surface.

  12. Hypatia*

    Thanks for the recommendation a few weeks ago of Connie Willis books for my teenage homeschooler. He loved ” To Say Nothing of the Dog” and has started “Bellwether”. I have a couple of classics to have him read; I think “Blackout” will be his summer book. If anyone has a good suggestion for books set in the US during the 1950s or 1960s, I’d love to know them. They can be fun ones, not just heavy literature. ( To enhance his history study of Cold War America. )

    2. Forensic13*

      In case nobody’s warned you before, I love Connie Willis, but be careful with some of her short stories especially. They can be VERY dark, not just sad but DARK.

      2. No Tribble At All*

        +1 on vet the Connie Willis first. Doomsday book. For some reason I didn’t anticipate it would be as grim as it was. To Say Nothing of The Dog is hilarious, but Doomsday Book has no humor whatsoever.

        1. WS*

          To be fair, Doomsday Book is nowhere near as disturbing as some of her short stories, but it reads differently after Covid, and the descriptions of the plague are pretty awful.

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      I was just talking about her above: Shirley Jackson, especially her short stories and two memoirs (Raising Demons/Life Among the Savages) have a fantastic view of “everyday” life during that time period.

      Another novel is Peyton Place, one of the first “blockbuster” novels and also a slice of life that takes a clear, long, assessing view of America. It is set earlier (the 40s) and be warned–topics like sexual assault, abortion and racial relations are very openly discussed, and not in “modern” terms (although they were incredibly progressive for the day.) It’s a fantastic book but I would definitely read it first to judge before handing it over to him.

      1. Nancy Drew*

        I recently read Peyton Place and was surprised that I enjoyed it as much as I did. I thought it really captured the attitudes of that period. I managed to find an original copy from 1956 from our library loan service, complete with a special sleeve to protect the fragile cover. I had trouble finding the original text; most of my search results turned up sequels by other authors.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          It’s much better than its reputation only as a “sensational” novel. Grace Metalious really cared about writing and worked hard at it, and it shows. Her later novels have sympathetic takes on living as a gay person in society, and a woman determined to keep her Down Syndrome daughter home with her at a time when you were supposed to institutionalize them and forget them.

          Did your copy have the famous author photo of her at her typewriter? It’s called “Pandora in Blue Jeans,” and that really does sum up the tornado she unleashed.

          1. Nancy Drew*

            Mine didn’t, as it was a hard copy. My Google search turned up that photo which appeared on the paperback edition. She died fairly young, at 39, of cirrhosis. Unleashing a tornado during those post war years was pretty courageous, and undoubtedly drew a lot of negative attention.

    4. *daha**

      He might enjoy Jerome K. Jerome’s Three Men In A Boat. To Say Nothing of the Dog contains multiple references to it, and an encounter with the characters.

      1. Not Australian*

        That book nearly gave me a serious injury: I tried reading it in hospital after a complicated childbirth and laughed so much I half-fell out of bed and almost burst my stitches. I had to switch to something much less funny until I was healed…

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          We agreed it was an excellent maze, and we would try to get George to go into it.

    5. Goldfeesh*

      I’d look at Ray Bradbury for books in the ’50s and ’60s. He’s very of his time in them (not in a bad way) even if there are fantastical or sci-fi elements. I’m thinking of some of his short stories like Boys! Raise Giant Mushrooms in Your Cellar! Heck, there is even some Cold War paranoia in that story if I remember right.

        1. Jackalope*

          My favorite Ray Bradbury is Dandelion Wine, which captures the feeling of a slow lazy summer as a teen in the 1920s so well (or at least it seems so to me, and the author grew up then). It of course has some fantastical elements given the author, but I loved it so much.

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Dandelion Wine is still one of my favorite books and the first I remember to really seize my heart with its gorgeous writing and images.

    6. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      Carson McCuller’s stories have stuck in my head for decades, especially The Ballad of the Sad Cafe, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, and The Member of the Wedding. in spite of the titles, they are not romance stories, but character studies with some very odd characters. It would probably help if the reader has some at least some background in 20th century southern history.
      On a lighter note, Jean Shepherd! (The man behind A Christmas Story)

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        The Heart is a Lonely Hunter is so beautiful and sad.

        And yes, Jean Shepherd! (but there’s a LOT of swearing!)

        1. Goldfeesh*

          I’m picturing all the swearing being done like it’s played by Darrin McGavin, The Old Man in Christmas Story.

    7. Teacher Lady*

      Hidden Figures is a great narrative nonfiction read. The book does much more to explain how the race and gender dynamics interplay with the space race than the movie can. (I believe there is a “young readers version” in addition to the original; not sure if the intended audience for that is middle grades or teens, though, or how it differs from the original.)

      Something Must Be Done About Prince Edward County is the story of how some school districts in Virginia shut down their public schools completely rather than comply with Brown v. Board. (This is an adult narrative nonfiction book, but I don’t recall anything that would make it unsuitable for a mature teen reader.)

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      If he’s an older teenager, like 17-18, who is okay with sex and drugs references (and some sad terminal illness stuff/mental health and alcoholism stuff), *Valley of the Dolls* was a best-selling potboiler about the seamy side of Hollywood that should keep his attention. Or if he wants something more literary, Joan Didion’s *Play It as It Lays* (though that one requires a good attention span and the capacity to deal with things not being spelled out).

      On a lighter side, some of the Nero Wolfe detective novels incidentally give a good sense of life at the time. *When the Doorbell Rang* is about early 1960s FBI overreach. *The Second Confession* has a lot to do with the Red Scare. *The Black Mountain* contains an undercover trip behind the Iron Curtain.

      1. Hypatia*

        I love Nero Wolfe; maybe I can have him read an earlier one or two to have him get a feel for the characters. The Doorbell Rang and The Second Confession are perfect for the Era.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

          Ooh, I love that idea! Maybe *Too Many Cooks* would be good for showing what the Jim Crow South was like (with a content warning that Archie starts out the series as a bit casually racist. Thank goodness that attitude seems to evaporate after *Too Many Cooks*)? Some of my other favorites for giving to people new to the series are *Black Orchids* and *Some Buried Caesar* and *The Golden Spiders* (which I guess could open a window into the plight of displaced persons after the war).

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Joan Didion’s nonfiction is great too– she writes a lot about California and Hawaiian history, and Havana, Cuba/Florida, back when not many people were doing so.

    9. SC*

      You might want to plan on reading All Clear after you finish Blackout. It is a continuation of the story. I think I read that Willis wrote it as one novel, but the publishers said no one was going to read a 900 page book, so they split it.

    10. Higher ed Jessica*

      The Calculating Stars, by Mary Robinette Kowal. Alternate history fiction set in a very realistic 1952 with diverse perspectives. SO GOOD.

  13. Scorpion singer*

    Looking for some friendship advice on deepening a new friendship. I am in my early 30s, and I’ve become close at work with a colleague in her mid-50s. We have met up for coffee after school once and gone hiking on the weekends a few times. I’m interested in deepening our friendship so that it becomes a “real” friendship (outside of work), and she has consistently given clear signals that she enjoys my company when we hang out, so I’m thinking she would be into a deeper friendship as well.

    A few questions/areas of advice:
    – Can someone explain in a systematic or formulaic way how to deepen a friendship? I feel like it’s always framed as some kind of ‘natural’ or ‘magical’ process, but that’s not helpful to me.

    -Tips for making sure she sees me as a friend and not like one of her kids (her kids are just out of college, so I’m definitely closer in age to them than to her). How can I leverage our age gap to strengthen our friendship?

    -How do I ensure she’s comfortable with a deeper connection or more vulnerability (rather than just wanting it to stay a work friendship but being too shy to say anything)? Is it awkward to bring it up directly? I’ve been in one-sided friendships before where I shared WAAYYYY more vulnerability than the friend, and it took me way too long to realize it. I don’t want to make that mistake again.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. Shiny Penny*

      This seemed like such a Captain Awkward question— and indeed! I just googled “Captain Awkward how to make friends” and up popped #1234 which speaks *exactly* to your question! Among many other friendship-relevant posts from her.

      I’m sure everyone here will have some great ideas, but if you have somehow missed Captain Awkward, you are in for a treat!

      (Also, that post is from November 2019, and I think I will never not be weird about those historical moments where people innocently wrote stuff like ‘2020 could be your year for expanding your socialization skills!’
      The inadvertent black humor, geez. Someone should collect those into a book. A dark, dark book…)

    2. Cynthia*

      Vulnerability and deeper connections require trust to properly grow, so I’d start by behaving in a trustworthy way and with your friend’s best interests in mind. Are you emotionally consistent, or do you run hot and cold? When you say you’re going to do something, do you do it?
      Do you act as if you trust your friend? Do you believe her when she says something, and do you trust her to know her own life best? For example, if your friend mentions having a bad day, do you acknowledge her feelings or do you try to talk her out of them?
      Also, keep in mind that most friendships aren’t ever all that deep. It’s natural to want the kind of connection you’re looking for, but it’s not a failure or a bad friendship if it remains casual

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree, I was admittedly at first a bit uncertain how to approach this question, but I think the answer lies in emotional vulnerability. We become “true” friends with someone by taking a risk and revealing something personal that could be used against us, and by having it be received warmly and handled correctly. That’s how we feel seen, I think. And of course we then repeat the favor going the other way.

        1. Hyaline*

          And there’s some research IIRC that actual favors are also a good way to do this–not just offering them for others, but more importantly, *asking*. Asking someone for help is one of the most vulnerable things you can do. So the next time you need a little help with something, ask someone you want to develop a deeper relationship with!

          1. Reluctant Mezzo*

            That tip was in the Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin which I am currently reading!

    3. A*

      I think there are some things you can do to tip the friendship cards in your favor like genuinely asking about things in her personal life, initiating activities you both enjoy, and reciprocating conversations. In a workplace friendship, I would be very sure to increase the vulnerability and contact outside of work gradually, like much slower than meeting a friend anywhere else, because you will have contact regardless of how your friendship goes.

      Something else to keep in mind: if the “systemic or formula” process you use this time doesn’t yield a friendship that might not be because the system or formula is wrong. I realize you don’t want to hear this but there is an X factor, a chemistry, that a lot of people need to have a vulnerable relationship (either friendship or romantic). For a lot of people, you can’t game out chemistry. It’s either there or it’s not. And it’s nobody’s fault if it’s not there. It just isn’t.

      1. Sloanicota*

        There’s also nothing “wrong” with friendships that are maintained at a slightly shallower level indefinitely! Some of those friendships have brought so much joy to my life even if maybe we didn’t get Deep Connection. And occasionally I’ve been surprised by how those people ended up showing up / needing me to show up for them and we have actually become true friends later.

    4. AJB*

      I don’t have a lot of advice but I relate so much to this. I’m in a similar boat of trying to deepen surface level friendships with the parents of some of my daughter’s friends. It’s hard and weird. However, I recently extended a short notice invitation that was well received! It made me so nervous to send the text, but I’m glad I did it. So I guess my advice would just be to keep doing the stuff that feels a bit weird or scary.

    5. RagingADHD*

      On kind of a technical level, the next stage of friendship activity would be inviting her to your home to hang out. But if that feels rushed, maybe a couple more meetups first.

      Are there activities you both enjoy that are conducive to unstructured conversation? Hiking doesn’t always make it easy to chat.

    6. Ochre*

      I’ve asked someone outright “is it okay if I respond to you like a friend rather than a co-worker?” It was in the context of them telling me about an upsetting personal situation. As a co-worker I would probably steer towards recommending EAP or asking neutral questions that left it open for them to decide how many more details they wanted to share. As a friend it was about saying how much my heart hurt for her, did she want a hug, etc. Of course I hope neither of you has an upsetting personal situation! But thinking out (and talking out) the difference between how I would respond was an important clarification.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        What a great line. Feels like one I’d use in the workplace, not on a hike. If I’m hiking with you on a weekend I’m giving you my personal time and you’re giving me yours, so we’re already in not-only-a-coworker space.

    7. Quitting Timely*

      I wanted to address the age gap; I’m on the other side of this as I’m in my mid-forties and starting to make friends with a coworker in her early thirties. One thing she does that I really appreciate is highlight our life similarities (like how it turns out we went to the same middle school) without focusing on the differences (obviously we went in different decades!). It builds a shared connection that is outside of our age. We also talk more about life outlooks or general perspectives, which are ageless, and are both open to hearing the other’s perspective and giving equal weight to it because each person’s experience is equally valuable regardless of time spent on earth. I realize a lot of the people I work with are younger than me, but I don’t see any of them as being like my nieces or nephews (who are in their teens) as that is just such a different relationship from coworkers and friends. This new coworker of mine is obviously a brilliant and competent adult who’s already done a lot with her life, and I’m sure your new friend sees you in that light. Best of luck! It’s daunting building new friendships but can be very rewarding.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I am building a friendship with my piano/voice teacher who is one year older than my daughter. I’m 64, she’s 26. I really enjoyed chatting with her during my lessons and at one point she mentioned that she wanted to go an arts demo in our area, so when my husband was participating I invited her to come. I thought about suggesting dinner first and thought it might be overstepping so I was delighted when she suggested it! I don’t feel any impulse to mother her especially since she has a strong, close relationship with her own mom.

        Since I was nearly 40 when my kid was born, most of my “mom friends” are at least 5-10 years younger than I am. My mother had close friends that were her mother’s age and I’ve always had at least a few friends older than I am as well. I love being part of a multigenerational circle.

    8. Music Staff*

      I’m on the opposite side of your query!
      I’ma 60 something teacher who counts a mid 20’s teacher (younger than my own kids) as a close friend. The good news is that doesn’t even factor in the equation. I don’t need another child so it wouldn’t occur to me to mother her.

      I’d say just open up invitations for going to the high school drama productions and musicals, or sports events. Most of us like to go but don’t drag our spouses to them.
      Quick glass of wine or cocktail after work is nice too.
      Game nights, all of these things work.
      I would specifically not recommend whole staff gatherings as a way to connect but you never know.

    9. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      First I have to say that if you’ve gone on several hikes on weekends, you’re already giving each other your personal time, and she’s clearly signalling that she enjoys hanging out with you, it isn’t just a work friendship so you can relax and not over-manage the process.

      You ask how to know if she really wants to be friends rather than being too shy to say anything. Is she shy or direct in work interactions? If she’s someone who speaks up as a regular thing, I think you’ll know if she’s not interested in more/deeper time. If she’s generally shy then this feels like one that will grow over time, not something you can manage with a plan.

      My perspective as context: I’m 62 and have friends of various ages. I don’t ever ask their ages; it may come up at some point. I also have adult children and stepchildren and am not seeking to add to the list of people I mother. Mothering carries a big sense of responsibility for me, and I’m close to my kids and not seeking to fill any gaps. If you have a sense of her relationship with her kids you may be able to get some vibes on that front but I think you’d already know if she were mothering you.

      “Leverage your age difference” lands a bit funny for me. I have some new friends who are quite a bit younger than me and I might tell them I’m unfamiliar with a term they use and ask them to explain it, but I wouldn’t want them to turn to me and say, “Hey, Older Person, let me translate our Youth-ish Lingo for you,” any more than they might love it if I assume they don’t know about some historical event and start to explain it.

      One person I consider to be one of my best friends isn’t quite young enough to be one of my daughters, but close, and age doesn’t enter into the friendship. We originally met through work, although we worked at different places. Not quite a formula, but a list of things you can do:

      Next hike if you haven’t already started doing this, ask if she’d have time for post-hike food or beverages. That’s time to sit and talk more than you might be able to while hiking, maybe share something about that hike or a memory it sparks for you or something you want to know more about, like identifying the bird calls or plants–things that aren’t about work and that have nothing to do with your ages.

      Have interests in common that enable us to do things together–hiking sounds like a great start. In our case it’s bicycling. Talking while riding led to recognizing we have other things in common including reading the same genres/authors, knitting, cooking, other things (we already knew we had a common political orientation, which was essential). We text each other recipes, book recommendations, pictures of things we’re knitting. I wouldn’t do that during the workday in your case but if you know you have some other interest, this “pebbling” might be a way of enriching and growing the friendship. (Learned that term from somewhere online; refers to sending people messages to share something, from a type of penguin that brings pebbles to show its love.)

      She may not be someone who loves texting; if you don’t already have a sense of her communication preferences, asking is a great friend-type thing to do. “I love that we both love Thing/Activity/Obscure Singer. If I run across something interesting on this, want me to drop a text with the link? It’s great if you want to send me links too.”

      Another thing we do is “hanging out together for no particular reason” time. She’ll call and say she’s planning to sit on her porch and knit and drink tea, and would I like to join her. We sit, knit, chat, may talk about deep things but not necessarily; the conversation wanders. Or I’ll tell her that on a Saturday I need to go run some errands and would she like to come along. (Helps that we live about 1-1/2 miles apart–proximity is super helpful for friendship since it lowers space/time barriers.)

      She has also invited me to gatherings with her circle of other friends, which I really appreciated since she’s lived in this town much longer than I have and I didn’t have a social circle beyond work for a while. It wasn’t that I automatically became part of everything she does with other people, but that we enjoy the same kinds of people. Don’t segregate your friends by age if they’re real friends, although definitely keep the group invites to the things that will be enjoyable and inclusive for all.

      The kinds of things we’ve ended up talking about have made it clear we’re deeply connected. There did come a point when she said, “I consider you family.” That was a big deal, very vulnerable, and I reciprocated. It wasn’t early on, but she’s someone I could call in the middle of the night for a ride to the hospital (or bail, for that matter, although she might be there with me already).

      A final thought because of the space we’re in: Is there a chance she’d ever end up being your supervisor? Because that could be a reason for holding back even if she thinks you’d be an awesome friend. That wouldn’t be personal; it would be good long-term thinking about management.

      Happy friending!

  14. Teapot Translator*

    What are you listening to? Let’s hear about the podcasts, radio shows or even albums/playlists you’ve been listening to!

    1. Jackalope*

      I’m big into live play podcasts, mostly D&D but I’ve branched out sometimes too. I’m currently listening to Worlds Beyond Number; they have an ongoing story from the last two years and it’s heating up. I’ve also been listening to Canada By Night, which is a Vampire the Masquerade podcast; we’re in a series of episodes diving into the backstory of one of the main characters and I’ve enjoyed that a lot.

    2. Bazzathedog11*

      Chris Stapleton – The Traveller, Bruce Springsteen – Western Stars. I like to listen to these after turning the TV off and reading or doing jigsaws before bed. I heard some music from Grease the other day on social media, so the soundtrack to the movie got played.

    3. Quitting Timely*

      I’ve been binging “Just Break Up,” which is an LGBTQ+ friendly and trauma informed relationship advice podcast. The hosts are gems (and the first to point out they’re “just English majors who had a lot of bad relationships”) and I feel I’ve actually grown quite a bit.

      I’ll probably relisten to “Beach Too Sandy” when I’m done. They read funny reviews from Yelp and Google. The hosts were getting kind of cynical last year, though, as they were going through a rough time, so I needed a break. Hopefully they’re in a better spot now!

    5. Ali + Nino*

      I really enjoyed Normal Gossip though there’s now a new host and they seem not to be adding new episodes. otherwise Scary Interesting, Fascinating Horror, True, Mr Ballen and Mr Ballen’s Medical Mysteries. oh and Israel Undiplomatic is one of my faves, Ask Haviv Anything also.

    6. dapfloodle*

      Listening to a local-ish alternative radio show, we heard an odd but compelling song by a band called The Cravats. We assumed it was new based on the sound, but the band is actually from the late 70s/early 80s. It’s nice to find out about an interesting band we didn’t know about before, doesn’t happen that often due to music collection being a hobby.

      1. Paint N Drip*

        local radio has been rocking my socks lately – got me hooked on an older funk album Tarika Blue

    7. MSD*

      “My Dad wrote a Porno” is very funny. It’s a British guy who was kind of horrified to discover his dad had actually written a porn book. He and some friends discuss the plot and character development just like they were in a book club.

  15. Kate Tobakos*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread. Please feel free to post it on next Friday’s work thread! – Alison

  16. Closet Upgrade*

    I am considering switching to velvet clothes hangers, versus what I’m using now, which is a weird collection of plastic, and paper-covered wire, from the dry cleaners.

    If anyone has any experience or recommendations on brands, I’d love to hear. I’m looking at Amazon, but honestly don’t see much difference between the various brands. Are they basically all the same?

    1. Alex*

      Any time I’ve had velvet hangers, they’ve broken. The metal part comes apart from the velvet part, or the velvet arm breaks. Maybe I’ve just been unlucky but they’ve never worked out for me!

    2. WS*

      If you’re plus sized, they probably won’t hold your clothes correctly – they won’t dump them on the floor like slippery hangers, but they will hang and crease at weird angles. I’ve had better luck manipulating wire ones into shape or using clips.

      1. Nonnie*

        WS, what stopped my plus-sized tops slipping from their hangers was buying these little anti-slip pads that you can stick to both sides. Had never heard of them until a friend mentioned them, they make a difference and are not expensive at all. (I‘m in Europe and the brand I got was Prym, but I‘m sure there are a bunch of brands available wherever you are.)

    3. Filosofickle*

      I have bought ones from Container Store and Amazon Basics and have been very happy with both. So much better than plastic or metal! I’d heard that cheap ones sometimes shed velvet on clothes and did not have that problem with either brand. To the other note, I am plus size and find they hold my clothes very nicely and all my wide necks stay happily put.

      I needed more recently. Because I’m not avoiding Amazon these days, I started by going back to Container Store but found they’d changed the design and recent reviews were more negative. So I looked at Amazon and they only sell them in boxes of 50 — which, if I were changing over my closet would be fine but I only want like 10 more so even though they’re cheap it’s still just more than I need. In the end, I lucked into some secondhand and they’re good too, no idea what brand.

    4. Aphrodite*

      I don’t know if this is helpful but I use those expensive and beautiful wooden hangers. (I got all of them from my favorite higher end thrift store for one dollar each.) I ended up buying some felt and velvet, cutting strips, and gluing them to the shoulder parts of the hangers. That prevents my clothes from sliding off.

    5. Not Australian*

      Not velvet, but we recently indulged in some excellent wooden hangers from IKEA (they’re called ‘Bumerang’) which were a surprisingly reasonable price. So cathartic to throw out all our old wire and plastic monstrosities, too.

      1. KatCardigans*

        My husband and I both use IKEA’s wooden hangers! I like how my cardigans hang on them, he likes that they’re strong, and we both like that they have a bottom bar so you can neatly drape looser knits or pants/skirts over them.

        I have had velvet hangers in the past and I loathed them. They’re slim, but it felt like way too much work to get things on and off them, especially on crew necks where the hanger would have to go up inside the garment, and they picked up lint like crazy.

        Regardless, it is for sure very nice to get rid of the old wire and plastic hangers!

    6. ReallyBadPerson*

      I use mostly velvet hangers. They are good for things that might slip off, but terrible for heavier clothes, like wool coats, as they break. But a mix of wood and velvet hangers might do for everything.

    7. Still*

      I love my velvet hangers. I’ve never noticed a difference in quality between brands, but the two things I would look for are: 1) does the metal bit twist around or is it just stuck in one position? I want to be able to twist mine around. And 2) does it have the horizontal bottom bit so that I can hang trousers as well as shirts?

    8. Maryn*

      I use a mix of velvet and plastic hangers, and wood for coats. I’ve bought the velvet ones from Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond when they still had stores. I agree, you want the ones where the direction of the hanging hook rotates.

      My lone complaint is that you can’t hang something you pull from the dryer slightly damp on purpose (so wrinkles will fall out) on a velvet hanger. That’s when it sheds onto the fabric. It’s easy for me, a plus-size person, to align the shoulder and sleeve seams with the hanger so I don’t have any of those weird bumps I get from other hangers.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I keep a few plastic hangers for drying and use the velvet ones in the closet. Others are right, though — you don’t want to put heavy clothing on them. They’re a bit on the fragile side.

    9. WellRed*

      I’ve bought from target and Marshall’s. Love how much less space they take up in the closet!

    10. No Tribble At All*

      I’ll shill for the Costco ones! I agree with Really Bad Person, though — for heavier coats, you’ll want something sturdier. FWIW, I’m slightly plus-sized, and I’ve never had problems with clothes being too big for the Costco hangers.

    11. Just a different redhead*

      I’ve gotten Amazon Basics velvet suit hangers. I’ve been using them for years and even ended up getting more. Not a single one has broken or deformed, or even shed; they’ve been sturdy and reliable. I got them in 2015 and 2019, I don’t know if they’ve changed since or anything though.

      I hang light (nightshirt) to heavy (winter coat) stuff normally on them or alternatively hang stuff folded over the bottom (6 long tunics or 2 pairs of jeans or some such) (just to give an idea of my usage compared to my experience of their sturdiness etc.)

    12. SunnySideUp*

      I don’t recommend them — my velvet hangers pick up lint like nothing I’ve ever seen. They were originally cream and now they’re a dingy blue-gray.

    13. Pam Adams*

      I’ve been fine with the cheaper velvet hangers, either from Amazon or the dollar store. I don’t put heavy items like pants on them.

    14. Annie Edison*

      I have the Amazon basics slim velvet hangers and I love them. I’ve had mine for a little over a year and have zero complaints

    15. HannahS*

      I bought cheap ones on Amazon two years ago and they’re totally fine. I don’t think there are huge differences.

    16. Chauncy Gardener*

      I’ve had good luck with the bunch that I got at Home Goods. They’re not great for hanging heavy things like coats, I use wooden ones for those. But if you buy them in person, you can feel how strong, or not, they are. It’s nice to have all the hangers be the same and things don’t slip off them as much.

    17. Closet Upgrade*

      Thanks, everyone. I like the suggestion of the the Container Store, to be able to feel the quality. And I’ll save my receipt, just in case. ;)

    18. Dancing Otter*

      I bought an assortment off Amazon five or more years ago. Most have survived.
      The ones with the lower crossbar are sturdier than the singles. I use them for heavier garments and save the plain ones for blouses and shirts or summer dresses. Not sure where the cutoff is, but a fleece-lined flannel winter robe was too heavy.

  17. Happily Retired*

    Chickennnnnns!!!!!

    We acquired three almost-8-week-old pullets (young females, think 7th-graders) four weeks ago today, and it has been a hoot! Note: we’ve been discussing this for five years and decided in the fall to pull the trigger this spring, and I am mildly miffed to be lumped with the folks buying up all the chicks in sight to get “cheap” eggs. Believe me, if you are growing them in an ethical way that optimizes their welfare, it ain’t cheap.

    Anyone else here with a backyard flock? We live within city limits, and we’re restricted (thank God) to seven max, with no roosters.

    We have a Buff Orpington, a Plymouth Barred Rock, and an Easter Egger (lays blue eggs), who looks like a hawk.

    They have become our sanity-restorers in these Unpleasant Times.

    1. Sloanicota*

      How lovely! Good luck with them all! You didn’t ask for advice and I probably don’t have to tell you this, but my experience with small, all-female flocks was … they are vulnerable to lots of predators, and since they’re so charming and lovable it can be very heartbreaking. I’m sure you’ve done your research but I’d say Safety First in everything. I had no idea there were so many ways chickens could come to grief.

      1. Hyaline*

        FWIW—we’ve had roosters for years now and we’ve had no fewer issues with predation. In fact, we’ve had more—my brave idiots pick fights when they’re not even threatened (a juvenile raccoon who was investigating some spilled food, for example—the rooster started the fight, the raccoon finished it). Focusing on secure coops and runs is probably your best defense but also—it happens. You’re not a bad chicken owner if a predator or accident befalls a bird, you’re just experienced.

    2. Double A*

      I’ve posted the last two weeks about my new backyard flock! We’re in the country so we can have roosters and there’s been some ~drama~ In ultimately an entertaining way, though it started off with blood being drawn (between the chickens). Watching the chicken politics has been an amazing reprieve from human politics.

      I’ve also been thinking about chickens for about five years and decided this would be the year! I bought the coop and as luck would have it a friend was needing to downsize so have us her excellent flock of 6, 5 hens and a rooster. All of them are different breeds and I only know the rooster is a silkie and one is an Easter Egger. I think the eggs have amortized to about $16 each so approaching competitive with the grocery store.

      Agree about it being a delight. I was a little worried I was just saddling myself with more responsibility but I kinda love everything about them, even cleaning their coop. They’re great with the kids and we’re all spending more time outside. I love working and seeing them scratching about the yard.

    3. Jazz and Manhattans*

      I don’t have chickens but get eggs from a coworker. What, if anything, needs to be done to keep your chickens safe from bird flu? I’m not concerned for my health but just curious.

    5. MissB*

      I live just outside of city limits, so I can have as many as I want. I currently have 17, a mix of newer and older hens. Once my hens stop laying, they enjoy retirement until they die. So every few years, I tend to add a couple of chicks. Last year, I added 10 (1 was a rooster), so I ended up with 9 overall.

      Our coop/run/henhouse structure is predator proof and has a metal roof that covers all of it. The sides and hardware cloth. No wild birds can get it. I did watch a Cooper Hawk swoop along side the coop the other day. It stirred up the girls, but the hawk was unable to gain entry and flew off. Now and then we’ll get a coyote run along the backside, but again, they can’t get it.

      Yes, I get a ton of eggs each day. I give them away.

      They used to get time in the yard, but with bird flu concerns, we haven’t allowed them to be out. Their structure is 30×10, so it isn’t like they’re hurting for space. I’m sure they’d love to run into the bushes and take some dust baths, but that’s just not in the cards as long as bird flu concerns linger.

  18. Miss Feisty Whiskers*

    Question: does it seem to you that vets are less able to handle badly behaved patients these days? When I had my dog, it seemed like they had “tried nothing and were all out of ideas” when he was upset – but I thought nothing of it because, well, he was a bigger dog and I thought he must be out of the norm for behavior. But now I have a cat and took her in, and honestly I thought her behavior was pretty much in line with what you would expect of a cat that was first trapped in a box and then stabbed with needles. I mean, are most cats really content and calm at the vet? Surely they all have to be wrapped in a burrito etc? But the vet told me they might need her to be medicated to see her again. It’s not like she bit someone. It was like they hadn’t encountered a grumpy pet before. Am I out of touch here?

    1. Alex*

      My friend’s cat was fired from her vet for being so bad. I think some vets have a lower bad behavior tolerance than others. She now takes her to a different vet with no problem. I mean, not no problem–she is a very spicy cat!–but they deal. And her cat won’t take the medication because she isn’t food motivated at all and doesn’t reliably eat anything.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I’m sorry for the extra work for your friend, but I’m cracking up at the idea of the vet *firing* the cat… Did they put her on a PIP? Any severance offered?

        1. Texan in Exile*

          Our former vet’s office manager fired us!

          We saw a fabulous vet who had to retire. Her replacement recommended a dental for our 15 year old cat with kidney disease and wanted us to give Shirley gabapentin the morning of the procedure. I found an NIH paper that gabapentin is not recommended for senior cats with CKD and said so to the office manager via email.

          The office manager replied that if we did not trust the vet’s judgment, we could find another vet.

          So we did.

          (This guy owns his practice, unlike the previous vet, which had been sold to a private equity firm. When we asked him how he would handle a dental for Shirley, he gasped in horror and said that he doesn’t do dentals on senior cats – it’s too risky.)

          1. Martin*

            My vet is in a private practice too. I think it can be a risk/benefit equation sometimes. In my case my CKD cat had developed an abscessed tooth that was very painful and the dental was non-negotiable to provide relief. He’s 18, but like my vet says, old age is not a disease.

            But not all cats are the same, and you need to feel comfortable with the vet you choose. My vet wouldn’t touch gabapentin either.

            1. Texan in Exile*

              Oh your poor kitty! I hope he is feeling better now.

              In our case, it was a general dental with the possibility of having teeth pulled if needed. Low estimate was $1,700 with a few hundred for each possible extraction.

              We are especially glad we didn’t subject her to all of that – we had to put her to sleep just a few months later.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Our newer dog, who we’ve now has about a year, needed vaccines two weeks ago, and he got growly and a little snappy with the vet after the first shot. And I get that that’s not ideal, had no problem with them muzzling him. But now it’s in his file and like… he only needs that if he’s gonna be unexpectedly poked in a painful way! For a normal exam he’s pretty chill.

    3. tabloidtainted*

      Of all the cats I’ve ever had, only one is “unmanageable”—beyond even the help of a burrito—and requires mild sedation before going in to the vet if he needs even basic bloodwork. The others don’t require any burritoing, even though they certainly don’t enjoy the experience.

      Even if your cat doesn’t bite, she can injure herself or make it really difficult to get blood or urine or do a basic checkup. I’d trust the vets to know what they’re talking about.

    4. Bella Ridley*

      Your vet sees many more cats than you do and is probably a fairly accurate judge of their character. I have two cats who behave fine at the vet. They don’t hiss, swat, bite, yowl, or anything else, they’re just reluctant to get out of their carriers and want to cower. So no, not all cats require wrapping or sedation.

    5. Generic Name*

      I’ve had 4 cats as an adult. 3 were/are scared but generally fine (no hissing or biting or swiping). 1 was mean and had caution stickers all over her chart.

      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        This makes me think of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine had been marked as a ‘difficult’ patient.

    6. A*

      I will be very honest with you.

      “It’s not like she bit someone.” They are trying to prevent the bite. This is probably for a lot of reasons but something to consider is their professional licensing regulations and insurance coverage.

      They can handle badly behaved pets. If they couldn’t handle badly behaved pets they would have stopped treating. The medication and sedation is how they handle badly behaved pets to protect the pet, the staff, their license, their insurance, and your insurance.

    7. WS*

      Vet’s risk management has changed, and I think for the better. Instead of letting themselves get bitten or scratched, they try to manage the pet better so this doesn’t happen. None of my cats have had to be wrapped like a burrito – they’re not happy, but they try to hide rather than lash out. My brother’s cat did lash out so my brother would pre-burrito him in the exam room before the vet came in.

      1. Cordelia*

        Yes it’s not about being unable to “manage” bad behaviour, it’s about taking steps beforehand to avoid it. Sounds like OP would accept these measures if the cat had bitten someone – but why should the vets wait to be bitten? If vets are more risk-averse nowadays, that’s a good thing.

        1. Miss Feisty Whiskers*

          Yeah, my question is genuinely asking, I was just a little surprised they didn’t really try any management there in the room … I thought maybe gloves or something would help but they basically gave up when she hissed … I wish they had better drug options, the ONLY thing they allow is Traz, which never worked at all on my dog, and my mom said the same for her cat … so at this point, of all the totally normal pets I know, 3/4 of them are unacceptable patients without this medication … (mom’s cat is a different vet, too).

    8. Jackalope*

      My experience is probably not normal, but my cats are normally fine at the vet’s. They hate the car carrier, and they’ll sort of hide when the staff come in (sometimes in the very carrier they were protesting 10 minutes before), but that’s it. Sometimes when the vet techs come in my cats will go twine around their legs and show them affection; from the response of the techs, I’m pretty sure this isn’t normal. But we’ve never had to burrito them for a vet visit, and most of their negative responses were along the lines of singing me the protest songs of their people on the car ride there. (They know that once they leave the vet they’re going home so they usually don’t complain about that leg of the trip.)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Two of our four fuss about going into the carrier, and then we have to take it apart around them on arrival because they are NOT coming out. One even hides under the little blanket in the carrier like maybe we won’t see her.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Ahaha, Pig was the exact opposite. She knew where she was going and would whine on the way there, but quietly. She cowered at the office but didn’t yowl or anything. In the car home, I got to hear AAAAAAALLLL about it, lol.

    9. Double A*

      I have actually never had a cat that had to be wrapped in a burrito, come to think of it. Even my most miserable cat would just hiss and make unhappy noises, but they’ve all just been hunched and tucked their tales and flattened their ears and hid when given the chance. They’ve never had to be restrained, other than holding them in place on the counter for a shot/blood draw but the didn’t seriously fight it. They certainly aren’t *content* but they are not fighting or resisting.

      I think if you’re at the point of having to use the burrito, medication is definitely a good option as it will help the cat be calmer, which is good for both the cat and the people handling it.

    10. Hello, it's me*

      I gave up on trying to cut my cat’s nails at home when it became obvious I would need a burrito, two assistants, and the best drugs to do the job. ALL the best drugs. At once. Then I’d need to take them, too. So now he goes to the vet, where he practically offers up each paw. Like Cinderella lifting a foot for her glass slipper fitting.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My woofapotamus literally runs away from me if I get out a dremel at home whether I’m aiming for her paws or not, but yeah, if her trainer at daycare gets out the same model, she sits royally and deigns to allow it. So I just let them do it while she’s at daycare, saves all of us the stress.

    11. I didn't say banana*

      my cats don’t need a burrito, they are scared and just sit there stunned. my previous cat (a rescue that had been neglected) had to be admitted to vet hospital and had a sign on his cage. it said “may bite” but they crossed out the “may” and wrote “will”. a few years later he had a skin condition and I called to ask if the vet would diagnose him off a photo to save him the trauma of the trip. they said “no, we can’t do that, let me just pull up his file… oh, yes, just bring photos, don’t bring the cat!”

      1. Miss Feisty Whiskers*

        yea to be fair all my pets are adult rescues, so I suppose it’s possible their behavior is truly outside the norm, although they seem like totally regular pets at home at this point

      2. Jenna Webster*

        My cat, also a rescue, just freezes at the vet. I feel awful that she’s scared, but she still needs to go. They can literally do anything to her – she needed an x-ray once and they just stretched her out how they wanted her. She doesn’t move on her own the whole time! I know it’s traumatic (for both of us, honestly). She doesn’t speak to me for most of the rest of the day and then finally forgives me.

    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have had the keeping of nine cats over my days and none of them ever needed burrito-ing for anything except for a couple of occasions when specifically eye drops were needed.

      My dogs both get anxiety meds when they go in because they get worked up over being poked and prodded in an unfamiliar environment that smells like other dogs and probably some level of sickness (or else heavy duty cleaning supplies) where nobody can explain to them what’s happening and why. Having the medication to help keep them calmer is easier on all of us, why would I want my beloved pets to be any more stressed out than is absolutely necessary? If I can help us all with that by giving them better living through chemistry, sign me up.

      1. Miss Feisty Whiskers*

        i would feel that way if the drugs worked better, so I really hope the traz helps my cat – it did not at ALL help my dog. It made him feel sick and he would react by being even more reactive. i couldn’t see he was calmer at all. i begged them for something more like xanax but they were like, nope, this is the only medication we can offer (okay they did once mix in a second, ace i think, which did nothing). maybe I just need to switch vets, i am apparently transferring my past dog experience onto this situation with kitty.

        1. ronda*

          my sister does switch vets for her cats when they were not working out.

          I think she had them at a practice that specialized in cats. Maybe you can find a more cat focused practice and see if that helps.

        2. At a glance*

          I have more experience with cats (not a vet, just cat owner) but typically, gabapentin (brand name: Neurontin) is prescribed for cats for vet visit anxiety. Is that something your vet would consider for your dog (assuming it’s safe for dogs)?

          1. Miss Feisty Whiskers*

            **tw pet death**

            Sadly, the dog passed away. Not totally because of a lack of vet access, but it definitely limited our options, and we decided to have an at-home euth visit quicker than I would have if he had been more tolerant, and so he wouldn’t have to spend his final moments in a place he hated. As others said in the thread, it was still a happier life for him that was better than where he came from … he was an adult rescue and a large working breed so although he was a wonderful companion he never quite adjusted to that aspect of pet life. But I think that’s why I’m on extra high alert that apparently my hapless rescue cat is also apparently an unacceptable patient (same vet).

    13. Teacher Lady*

      I’m sorry you have to deal with that, it sounds very stressful!

      Our vet’s office has been shifting to a “fear free” approach over the last few years, and I’ve seen a notable positive change in how they handle my extremely anxious chihuahuas. The staff do a lot more loving on them before starting treatment, and things like muzzles (which both use) are framed as tools. They also involve the owners in supporting tool use – whoever brings the dogs in (me or my spouse) is the one who puts on the muzzle, because it reduces how anxious the dogs are about those tools. I also see more thoughtful scheduling, which allows more pets to go straight into exam rooms instead of waiting in the lobby with tons of other animals. They have also become much more open to the idea of pre-medicating for anxiety; when I first started, they were really reluctant to offer gabapentin at all, and after I begged to try it, they were completely unwilling to adjust the dose when it was ineffective. That part didn’t change until we got a new vet within the practice, at which point it was a very easy change, so I suspect that was more about philosophical differences.

      It might be worth talking to the vet about what’s been tried and what has or hasn’t worked, as well as what additional options exist.

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Yes, a lot more gaba these days and it’s a good thing. It relaxes them rather than sedating, in other words it should make them feel good and not too sleepy. I was given a large pile for stressed fosters and told to use it whenever I want.

    14. Dumpster Fire*

      I’m so glad for this thread today! We’ve adopted two cats from “the streets”, it seems. They are affectionate it their own ways (head rubbing, biscuit making and the like), and they love to be petted, but they do NOT like to be picked up or held. At all. It’s difficult to even pick them up, and I can’t imagine trying to put them into a carrier or crate. I know we need to get them vetted (it’s been awhile – we used to have a mobile vet who would come to the house, but they don’t serve our area anymore). Does anyone have suggestions of how we can mellow them out a bit so we can prep for transport?

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Griffin and Grendel were like this when they came to us last year — absolutely could not be picked up, let alone put in a carrier, and we couldn’t even get Gabapentin into them via hiding it in a treat (I tried everything, they were just too suspicious, somehow they knew). I thought, well, OK, if you absolutely will not allow vet care, that’s just how it will be, but you’re still better off here than in the situation you were rescued from, and maybe in time you’ll mellow out, or maybe you won’t and that’s okay too. And then last month the mobile vet was coming here for the other cats and I thought, what the hell I’ll try again, and this time they ate the Gabapentin with zero issues and were able to have exams and vaccinations! Their previous foster was shocked because they were truly unmanageable a year ago.

        This was a mobile vet so definitely easier. But I can pick them both up now and they let the vet handle them without much protest, both of which seemed unthinkable last year!

        All of which is to say … it might just be a matter of giving them time and building trust. But try Gabapentin hidden in a treat or a Pill Pocket. And also try leaving the carriers out and getting them used to them — if they get comfortable with them, you might be able to eventually lure them into the carriers with the use of a toy or laser, etc.

        1. Dumpster Fire*

          Thanks so much for your reply, Alison! We had the same thought about vetting them – they’re certainly in a better place than they were – but they need major nail-trimming and I don’t think we can let that go much further. Can I ask how much Gabapentin you’d give to each or your cats? Our cats are both pretty big, for sure upwards of 15 pound each. (We tried getting them a bit stoned on catnip, but one gets really skittish and the other just gets mean!)

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Your vet will tell you a good dose for their weight when they prescribe it, but we give 100mg each (but were told would be safe to give double that, and those guys are only 7-8 pounds each). See what your vet recommends, and then I would experiment one day before you plan to actually take them anywhere and just see how it affects them, so you can figure out what dose works for them. (Some kitties react more strongly than others. Stella needs much more before it does anything to her, whereas Griffin was practically knocked out from 100mg. It also takes about 2-3 hours to fully kick in.)

          2. Sloanicota*

            Definitely do more research but I felt like over-the-counter pet CBD oil worked better for my dog than the prescribed meds … I asked my vet about giving it *with* the prescribed vets and they approved this (again, this was for a dog, not a cat, so not directly relevant) and I was happy with the results. I used it when I had to do at-home things he didn’t care for like trimming his nails with the dremmel.

            1. Texan in Exile*

              For years – YEARS, we had drama when we tried to trim Shirley’s nails. We could do it at home, but it required two people and always ended with a very angry Shirley.

              And then we discovered that it wasn’t the nail trimming that she hated – it was being mashed down to keep her still. As soon as Mr T just held her in his lap and gently lifted her paws one by one, she was fine. She just didn’t like being restrained.

              1. I take tea*

                That’s funny, we used to have a cat that was the opposite. We called her “little bondage cat”, because the best way to trim her nails was to trap her completely under us and just release one paw at a time. Then she would purr contentedly the whole time.

      2. Roland*

        If you can afford it, have a vet come to you! My cats aren’t even all that difficult to handle beyond the fact there’s two of them and one of me snd they’re HEAVY, but it makes all of us so much happier when the vet can come to us rather than the other way around.

    15. Drowning faculty*

      I have one cat who just turns into a potato at the vet and doesn’trequire any medication, but the other one! She fights a burrito, she hisses and spits and swats any time anyone reaches for her. She has to have a dose of gabapentin before she’s seen and she still managed to scratch the vet during the exam once.

      1. Miss Feisty Whiskers*

        if anyone has tips for how to work with my cat to make her less Like This, I would be grateful!

    16. Clisby*

      I wouldn’t say contented and calm, but no, I never had to wrap them in anything to restrain them.

    17. SuprisinglyADHD*

      We switched vets over that years ago. Our cat was sick, in pain from them taking a urine sample (blood in his urine) and has separation anxiety. When they took him to the back to sedate him so he would be easier to work with, he resisted the first dose of sedative through sheer panic and apparently clawed the vet. I had to listen to my cat screaming in rage for over half an hour before they gave him a second dose that knocked him out. They labeled him vicious and said he would have to be sedated for any future appointments no exception. The new vet had no problem with his checkup because we never left our cat’s sight, and he got his shots at petco (big open space! lots of people! multiple dogs visible!) also without problems.

    18. Frankie Bergstein*

      I wish this whole thread were made up of videos of pets being purrito’d at the vet instead of text :).

      My late feisty senior dog had to be trapped in a potato sack to be treated. Miss her stubborn, annoying self so so much. ❤️

    19. Chauncy Gardener*

      Wow. Maybe try a different vet? That sounds very unrealistic. Also, we have a vet that comes to the house, which is an absolute godsend for the cat, but also for the dog. If your cat is a hider, you still have to put them in a carrier so the visit isn’t spent on an MIA cat (and you will be charged for the visit), but it’s so much less stressful for everyone.

    20. An Australian in London*

      To be fair, the last time I had dental work I bit my dentist. (Accidentally!!) Didn’t scratch them though.

      My ginger rescue boy used to be super chill and would purr when he saw his human friends the vet and vet nurses. But he’s had so many issues and dental visits he now needs three people to hold him down. He’s just so over it all.

    21. MissB*

      I had a family member get bit by another family member’s cat about 3 months ago. I watched it happen. The person that was bit does a lot of foster cat care. It was an unfortunate situation that was really quite hard to avoid.

      She knew right away that she had to go to urgent care. She did everything right – and the next day she had to go to the ER, and then had hand surgery the next day. She spent quite a bit of time on rehab.

      So I do get it. Two of my three pets (one dog, one cat) get the calm kits before they have an appointment at my vet. My cat is old and cranky. She does not like other people handling her anymore. The dog is huge and protective, and doesn’t like to be handled by the vet. He loves other people, but does not love the vet. I like her. He gets well drugged. The other dog is super happy all the time – his one brain cell vibrates as fast as his tail wags, so he is all good.

    23. miel*

      I know that low-stress handling is a goal of many animal professionals. Which is a good thing!

      Pre-medicating with gabapentin is one really common and helpful option.

      Our sweet cat got anxious at the vet so they gave us gabapentin for next time, for which I’m grateful. I also want to better advocate for our cat – for example, the techs should keep him in the exam room for scary pokes rather than take him in the back, because he’s more comfortable when he’s with his people.

    24. HipsandMakers*

      My male is universally accepted as a “spicy” kitty. He can handle being *at* the vet, but anyone touching him will get hisses and growls, and he will kick and attempt to bite if they try to draw blood. And he needs to go regularly to monitor health conditions and get his arthritis shot, so managing his stress response is good for the vet and techs, but mostly for him. It’s a stress response, so an unmedicated visit means rapid breathing and a substantially elevated heart rate. Some sedation helps reduce the stress on his body.

      My vet has provided me a prescription for gabapentin that I can fill at human pharmacies. It’s much cheaper, he does well on it (although we’ve had to drop his dose as he’s lost weight), and everyone gets through the visit with less stress and fighting. The burrito still happens, but he manages better with all of it.

  19. The Petson from the Resume*

    Has anyone ever experienced their iPhone’s Bluetooth going out / dying?

    In the past couple of days while playing an audiobook and podcast, my the audio got messed up like breaking up sounding like loss of radio signal. It was both with my JBL speaker and in my car so … not the speaker. Pretty sure it happened both with audiobook through Libby and a podcast so not the app or download.

    It reminds me of when my speaker gets far away from my phone, but it’s right there.

    1. Alex*

      Yeah mine does this sometimes. In my case it is often when the phone is being shaken, like if I’m jogging.

    2. Keymaster of Gozer (She/Her)*

      Not an iPhone but my android does that too when I’m driving. After a day of bumpy roads I did a full shutdown and restart of it and it seems to get back together.

    3. Southern Girl*

      How old is your phone? I had that happen, had to get a new phone. The Bluetooth module died. I’m not sure if it could be repaired.

    4. Clara Bowe*

      I had this same issue with my iPod this week. Both with the podcast and audiobook I was listening to. I fixed (?) it by turning it off and on again. But it is weird that I had the same issue!

    5. Little Miss Helpful*

      Oddly, this happened to me with a Libby audiobook tonight also. Maybe it’s them.

  20. goddessoftransitory*

    Fun Time question!

    What’s your favorite “common” bird to watch/have around? Mine are gulls, crows, and pigeons. I especially love seeing a flock of the last pecking around with their different patternings and thinking how they prove Mendel’s genetic theories! And watching crows outside our window at work hide food scraps in every nook and cranny.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      There’s a pair of mourning doves that have a nest in or near my yard and like to hang out on the railing of my deck. If they get between my woofapotamus and the door, she gets very nervous like maybe they might eat her. All 115 pounds of her. (They don’t even glance at her.)

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Love mourning doves! There was a couple of mourning doves that liked to get amorous on the railing of my fire escape last year, and it was fascinating seeing how they got in the mood: sidling up to each other and bumping but not looking at each other, then doing a little making out with their beaks, a quick hop on and off, and then some grooming of themselves afterwards (which reminded me of Brenda Morganstern on *Rhoda* languidly brushing her hair after an amorous encounter).

        I like seeing where the local pigeons make their nests in an urban environment. There are so many lights and signs above shops that are really just pigeon condos.

        I also love the local starlings — so pretty!

    2. Sloanicota*

      I’m obsessed with black vultures; I see them as a personal sign from the heavens, even though I know vultures in general have an unsavory reputation. They are really neat birds up close though. And huge! I have no particular feelings about turkey vultures though.

      2. Angstrom*

        We had a flock of turkey vultures as neighbors. Fun to watch them stretch and soak up sun early in the morning, then leaves as a group and return as a group in the evening. Very quiet for such large birds. They do a necessary job.
        They’re such amazing soaring birds. We imagined them giving each other a hard time if one of them actually had to flap to make it home. “Ahhh, Joe had to flap! Loser!” :-)

    3. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Magpies, for their lovely warbling song, and for the really intelligent look in their eyes.

    4. RLC*

      California Quail: we have six pair who visit nearly
      every day, and the flock dynamics remind us so much of human group dynamics that it can be hilarious.
      Our all time favorite quail observation involved a family with two adults and eight chicks. Mom quail was leading the kids across the garden, dad quail bringing up the rear. Suddenly one chick darted off perpendicular to the line on a solo trek with dad quail in hot pursuit doing loop-the-loops through the lawn for two or three minutes until he finally herded the little adventurer back to the line. We laughed so hard we were nearly in tears.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          When I lived in Eastern Oregon there was a whole flock of them living in the pine trees behind my dad’s office (they ate the pine nuts and were fat and sassy.)

    5. Busy Middle Manager*

      “common” birds? Sparrows. They are the boring “background” brown bird you wouldn’t really notice, but a group (counted 45 one day!) has been hanging around my small urban garden all winter (I guess the evergreen bushes are good cover) and I love how they move in groups and tilt their heads like they’re having conversations.

      Cardinals and blue jays also pass through, which has kept the winter colorful

      FYI this made me look up sparrows; surprised to see they’re invasive! Brought over from Europe and now total close to 150M in North America!

      1. allathian*

        Sparrows, great tits, doves, crows, magpies, Eurasian blackbirds. More will be arriving shortly with the spring migration. The arrival of the geese will be impossible to miss! Face to face with an angry goose it’s obvious that they’re living dinosaurs.

      2. fallingleavesofnovember*

        There are also so, so many types of sparrows! I’m still very bad at IDing, and the type we get most often (house sparrows) are the ones you are talking about. But the song sparrows have just returned here, they are more stripey and sing their little hearts out.

    6. Rara Avis*

      If you haven’t read Amy Tan’s Backyard Bird book, I highly recommend it! Growing up I loved to watch chickadees, but I don’t see them where I live now.

    7. LBD*

      Bald eagles are common in my area. One of things I have most enjoyed seeing them do is bathing in a large puddle/tiny pond in the field. They look so much bigger and more dramatic on the ground than they do in a tree or flying, and yet there they are, doing something that every robin does.
      Another bird that I have lots of chances to see are hummingbirds. We have had more than a dozen at one feeder at a time when they are migrating through, and little tiny twittery aggressive posturing fights break out when there are that many. Sometimes they will fly in the open door, and then try to escape through a closed window. The best thing to catch them with is a baseball cap. After a few times they seem to figure out how to get back out the door eventually, and will fly in to check us out, and then fly back out. Also, in the morning when I first fill the feeders, if I put my finger alongside one of the perches on the feeder and stand still, one will rest on my finger. Such tiny claws with no apparent weight!

    8. The Prettiest Curse*

      I see lots of crows, ravens and magpies in my area. I really like the black and white colour scheme that magpies have – somehow it’s very visually satisfying.

    9. Six Feldspar*

      Love seeing magpies! (Australian magpies that is, the European ones look cute from the photos but have very different vibes!)

      I’m also lucky enough to regularly see currwongs, cockatoos and lots of little native wrens and honeyeaters. Love seeing the tiny birds even when they hide in the bushes and swear at me for daring to enter my own garden.

    10. Buni*

      I feed the crows, magpies and sparrows and they’re an absolute hoot, all different personalities. Some of them will come and shout loudly on the windowsill or even knock on the window if I’m 0.5 seconds late with breakfast.

    11. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Juncos, a pretty little slate grey bird common near us. They are regulars at our feeders.

    12. Evvy*

      Red-winged blackbirds—there are tons in my area, sometimes they seem more common than robins (whom I also adore!)—and I love their screechy cry and the way each one will pick its own tree/fence post, etc. to sing from.

      1. Girasol*

        Those two are my common favorites. The robins and redwings announce the spring here.

      2. LBD*

        I used to wait at a commuter station in the morning that was across from a wetland that had lots of red-winged blackbirds. They are such lovely birds to listen to, aren’t they?

    13. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Chickadees, cardinals, and robins here (and juncos in the winter) (I’m in North American but I love the British robins even more!)
      We’re also lucky that in the summer at the cottage we fairly often get Great Blue Herons and loons…so they are “common” for us but I still never lose the feeling of being graced with their appearing!

    14. RussianInTexas*

      Grackles! We have a ton, they are a party of the environment. A while flock lives in my park and I watch them collecting grass and twigs for the nests when I go for a walk.
      They also create quite a ruckus – huge flocks tend to live by the grocery store, sometimes you can hear them a mile away.

    15. Maryn*

      My favorite common bird to watch is wild turkeys. One edge of our lot backs onto some woods where a flock of 15 or so live, and they roost nightly in trees visible from our back windows. Every single night they get up there as if they’ve never tried flying before and might fail, lots of comedic hesitation and false starts. Shortly after dawn, they soar down with grace.

      They also attack outdoor electrical cords to holiday decorations; I didn’t know they eat snakes, but they do.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Husband’s family is from Maine with lots of wild turkeys around–the last time we visited it was egg hatching time and I was promised lots of turkey chicks to view–only to never spot one! THE TURKEYS LET ME DOWN.

    16. AcademiaNut*

      I love treecreepers. They’re very common in pine forests in both Europe and North America, but are so subtle that if you aren’t looking for them, you don’t notice they are there.

      Two birds I love for their songs – the white crowned sparrow, whose song sounds like summers of childhood, and the Taiwan barbet, which is the sound of spring for my adult life.

    17. Clisby*

      Cardinals, mockingbirds, and mourning doves are the most common in my back yard. This year the cardinals are the most entertaining because they’ve decided they want to peck their way into the house. One day, I was drinking my morning coffee when I heard a racket coming from the dining room. I went to see what was up, and a male cardinal was pecking at one window. A few days later, a female was doing the same at an upstairs window. Another female kept landing on my car and pecking at the passenger side mirror. I don’t know whether they’re being territorial about a nest, or looking for a bigger territory.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        They may see their reflection and be throwing beaks in a territory display.

    18. Water Everywhere*

      Chickadees at my feeder, I love their call and how bold they are, they’re not at all bothered by me being nearby. I’ve also been putting food out for crows for years, to the point now that the parents feel it’s safe to bring their youngsters every year which is just pure entertainment. Poor patient parent fills its beak trying to teach the kids to pick up food, then gets chased around by squawking mouths demanding to be fed!

    20. Chauncy Gardener*

      Crows, great blue herons and mergansers. They’re all so different in their ways and fascinating!

    21. An Australian in London*

      I’m not far from Hyde Park in London, where there is a substantial colony of Ring-necked Parakeets. So many urban legends about how they came to be there.

      In Melbourne my favourite common wild birds are another parrot species, the Rainbow Lorrikeet. Very noisy birds!

  21. Tired Traveler*

    I’m staying with a relative I barely know for a night this weekend due to some travel issues. She’s in my grandparents’ generation and we’ve only met a couple of times, never interacted one-on-one, but now it’s going to just be the two of us Saturday night through Sunday morning. Has anyone been in a similar situation. How did you make it work?

    (I’m coming home from a conference, so I’m already run out of spoons/energy/people time… and now this.)

    1. Sloanicota*

      Ooh, that is dicey! I would struggle with that too. Just be extra conscientious of being a good guest, I guess. At least just one night isn’t too bad. I guess dinner (can you offer to have it delivered to spare them the effort?), small talk, and then maybe you’re soo tired and have to retire early because you like to read in bed? And bring flowers, and leave after breakfast because you have to get on the road.

      1. LBD*

        And perhaps leave them a hand written thank you note, or mail one when you get home, but make it more of a letter than just a sentence or two.

        1. Not Australian*

          Buy a ‘thank you’ card before you get there, and when you write it make sure to reference something happened while you were there – i.e. ‘I loved talking about your childhood, and meeting your lovely cat Bobo’ etc.

          1. Sloanicota*

            Oh! I just remembered one my mother taught me – offer genuinely, or perhaps just go ahead and do it (? know your situation on that one), to strip the beds and pillows when you leave, and leave them tidy. I had no idea this was a “good guest” thing when I was younger and hadn’t hosted much myself until my mom showed me. Especially for an older hostess I would want to take any extra steps I could to minimize the physical work of hosting. If she’ll let you take them to the washing machine for her that would be ideal.

            1. Texan in Exile*

              My cousin and her husband stayed with me and left at the crack of dawn before I was awake.

              When I got up, I discovered that they had stripped the bed and put the sheets (and their towels) into the washing machine.

            2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              for sure. I don’t want anyone going into my basement to put them into the laundry machines directly, but there is a basket in my guest room and anyone I’m willing to host, I just ask them, when you’re done using the bed for your stay, can you strip the sheets and put them along with any towels you used into the wicker basket in the corner so I can take care of them after you head out.

            3. Loreli*

              Not everyone would want their guests to do this. It’s a bit like when you have a dinner party and guests INSIST they do the dishes.

              I absolutely do not want my houseguest stripping the bed. I’ll take care of it in my own time after they leave. And seeing that my washer has a leak, a guest putting the sheets through the laundry would make a mess in my basement.

              At the very least, ASK your host if they want you to strip the bed. And if they say no, believe them.

            4. fhqwhgads*

              I learned about this in my late twenties when I stayed with a family friend for a night and they made a point to tell me not to bother stripping the bed because they had a cleaning service coming the next day who was going to do it anyway. Funny how I learned it was a thing folks expected me to do by being told not to.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Ask her what her favorite memory is of… almost anything. Your grandparents, their parents, how they played together as kids, what her mom served for Sunday dinner. You might decide that it’s interesting and worth paying attention to, but you can also tune out most of it and just give another prompt when she winds down, or respond to the last thing you heard. But I’ll bet it will hold your interest.

      1. Tea and Sympathy*

        I agree with this. Also, you can ask just general questions: what your grandparent was like as a young person, how often they saw each other, what they did together, etc. Ask for news of their family, and tell them news of your grandparents and their extended family. Think of it as a chance to get to know this relative better. And if that’s not working out, plead work or exhaustion from work and go to bed early.

    3. UKDancer*

      Be pleasant over dinner and offer to take her out or get a take away. Make sure she knows (if she’s cooking) any dietary issues you may have especially if they’re more challenging to handle. Offer to do the washing up.

      Take a good book and if you’re tired say so and go to bed fairly early after dinner. If she looks like she’s tired don’t stay up too late. Don’t hog all the hot water if this is limited Check what she wants doing with the bed linen / towels etc the next day and set an alarm so you don’t sleep all morning if you’re tired.

      Send a letter / card to say thanks afterwards.

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I’d say just to be open and flexible and follow her lead if you can. She may have some ideas about what you might like, but if she gives you a choice of what to do/where to eat, then pick what you want. If she doesn’t give you a choice, just try to roll with whatever her plan is. Who knows? You may have found a relative you enjoy!

      I agree with the above commenters about being a good guest. See if you can do the dishes after dinner/breakfast.

  22. ALoafer*

    I’m putting my house on the market soon, but I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on how to manage having my house on the market when my cat has bowel control issues. For any open houses I figure I can take him out of the house for a few hours and take out his litter boxes and clean before, but if it’s sitting on the market for a while, I’m a little worried about people wanting to see the place in between!

    He has two litter boxes (one upstairs and one down), but I’ll need to take the litter boxes out between showings and deal with any last minute accidents. Has anyone dealt with anything similar? My parents aren’t too keen on us staying for a few months if it’s on the market for that long, and I’m reluctant to ask anyone else to take me and my poor poopy boy in. I’ve thought about maybe taping some plastic runners around to take down for anything last minute, but I feel like there’s a bunch of obvious things I’m missing!

    (And he’s fine otherwise!! My vet is checks him often and he’s full of energy and playful. He’s seen a few specialists and he’s not showing any signs of being in pain to them or me. So there’s not much else to do aside from keeping him happy and cleaning up behind him. He’s a good boy!!)

    1. Not Australian*

      We’re currently selling our house and have three cats, but we have an outdoor ‘catio’ we can confine them to – with food, litter tray etc. – when people come to visit. Have you considered getting a large dog crate and keeping your cat confined during viewings? You could always sell or donate it afterwards. That doesn’t deal with the smell, of course, but it does keep the chaos confined to a predictable area – especially if you can maybe keep the crate (and the cat) outside for short periods while visitors are in the house.

      1. ALoafer*

        OH I hadn’t thought of a crate! I’ll definitely keep it in mind if he gets sick of travel. Putting him outside won’t always be feasible, but it’s definitely worth keeping as an option!! That’s great you have a catio for your cats, I’ve always heard such good things! Thank you so much for the suggestions!!

    2. Time for Tea*

      When we had our last extremely elderly cat we had puppy pads down everywhere he was likely to go, in runs or groups of several, say 3 or 4 slightly overlapping each other as his control and aim was not good the last couple of years. I could see that maybe working for you as it only takes a minute to grab them all up again to look tidy while you have viewings, and contains mess and smell anyway – it was so much quicker once we had those down to just fold up and bin a dirty one (two… three…! As I said, aim had gone!) than to start with cleaning the area.

      1. ALoafer*

        PUPPY PADS!!!! That’s so smart! You can tell my boy is generally en-route to the litter when it happens so I could definitely put them in the most likely areas. I’m so glad it worked for your cat too! I really appreciate the suggestion, thanks so much!!

        1. Shiny Penny*

          One generic term for these is “chux pads” in a human-use context, which is good to know because sometimes ones labeled for humans are cheaper. That was the case a decade ago, at least, when I had my incontinent ancient pup.

          1. ALoafer*

            Oooo thank you so much!! I’ll definitely do some research pricing-wise, but this is super helpful!!

    3. ReallyBadPerson*

      When our house was on the market, we kept our cats in our laundry room, which was quite large, with their litter box in one corner and their food and water in other corners. We then closed them in the room and posted a picture of the space (sans cats and their stuff) on the door with a sign instructing people NEVER to open it.

      1. ALoafer*

        Oh I love the idea of posting pictures of the room, I might be able to get something like this to work!! Thank you so much for the suggestion!!

    4. CTT*

      I don’t have a cat so this may be a dumb suggestion – could you buy a large crate that also fits his litter box and him crate in a room that won’t be integral to the tour? When I bought my house, the owners crated their dog and cat for tours and put them in the laundry room. We could pop our head in and see it, but we wouldn’t have lingered there regardless.

      1. ALoafer*

        I honestly hadn’t thought of crating so I really appreciate the suggestion!! I definitely just needed some fresh eyes on the problem, and not necessarily ones that are used to seeing cats all the time lol!! I’m glad to hear you bought the house too, I hope it was a great fit for you!! Thanks so much!!

    5. Peaches*

      You can work with your realtor to get very specific about showing times or how much notice you need to show the house. They’ll want the best possible outcome for showings so this will be good to bring up early. You can also request they pop in earlier than the buyers for a “smell check” if you’re concerned about something lingering.

      Good luck on the sale and your poopy boy!

      1. ALoafer*

        Honestly I hadn’t thought about setting how much notice I’ll need so I really appreciate the suggestion!! I haven’t talked too much about him to the agent so I’ll make sure I have big enough windows to clean any messes!! Thanks you so much for the suggestion and the well wishes!!

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          Setting notice/times works for you and the realtor: she’s working for you, and wants to sell your house for as much as possible, so set times and days and working around a pet should be something she’s very used to dealing with–within reason of course (I assume she has other clients and houses on her books as well.) But maximizing appeal is what you both want, so don’t be afraid to work with her.

          2. ALoafer*

            My realtor is a friend so there’s still a lot of those “keeping up appearances” vibes that my parents ingrained in me and I’m still working on unlearning, so it’ll take some work to admit any struggles and is why I’m trying to solve most problems first, but I do appreciate the advice a lot!! I really need to keep in mind it’s their job and not a favour!! Thank you so much!! (And thank you for appreciating the boy!!)

    7. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      You really don’t have to let people look at it when you aren’t ready to have them come in. It’s perfectly reasonable to require them to schedule. This would be true if you had a sleeping baby napping, a sick family member, any number of things.

      My Realtor’s advice when we were selling a house after one cat had decided to pee on everything: Get Glade Clean Linen air freshener and plug it in everywhere. She said it was the only one that interacted the right way with the smell to vanquish it. I don’t know if she was 100% spot on with her chemistry, but the house didn’t smell awful the way I’d feared. (Plus of course tons of cleaning and deodorizing.)

  23. StudentA*

    Egg rolls or spring rolls? Why? How do you like them (flavor, etc.)? What condiments?

    I much prefer spring rolls, but sometimes egg rolls hit the spot when I’m hungry. I love veggies, beef, shrimp, and chicken, probably in that order! I love the cellophane noodles. I have to have the hot mustard on them. It bugs me when I’m at a Thai place and they actually don’t use hot mustard at all! I guess it’s a Chinese food thing?

    1. Middle Aged Lady*

      I will eat an egg roll (or two) but I prefer spring rolls. The wrap is crispier and I like the wrap to filling ratio better.

    2. Filosofickle*

      Are you thinking of both as fried rolls? I always have to read the menu description to know what each restaurant means! In my area at a Thai or Vietnamese restaurant “spring roll” can either describe a fresh roll (bigger with shrimp, mint, and translucent rice wrap) or a fried roll (smaller with meat and/or veg and smooth crispy wrapper). Chinese restaurants commonly have “egg rolls”, fried with a thicker bubbled wonton wrapper, but they may also sell fried spring rolls. But I’ve also seen any fried roll called an egg roll, regardless of filling and wrapper. It’s madness!

      ANYHOO I’m a fan of fried rolls over fresh rolls, always, because of the crispiness. (And because I don’t like cilantro, mint, or the weirdly stretchy wrapper and there’s not much left of the fresh rolls after that. ) Ideally with pork, mushroom and cellophane noodle, yum. And definitely prefer the smooth wrapper like a spring roll not the thicker egg roll wrapper, again crispiness. The thing I do like about more traditional egg rolls is the cabbage.

      2. amoeba*

        Huh, I know I’m late but I’m intrigued now – in my part of the world, the fresh ones are called summer rolls, spring rolls will always be the fried version. Also, egg rolls are not a thing at all (although I kind of want them to be now, they look good!)

    3. Teacher Lady*

      Egg rolls all the way, but they’re not all created equal. Fortunately the American-Chinese food place I get takeout from makes a good one. (In the bad old days in college, the good Chinese restaurant had terrible egg rolls, and the bad Chinese restaurant had great egg rolls!) I love either hot mustard or sweet chili sauce for dipping.

    4. Rogue Slime Mold*

      I like what my regular Thai restaurant calls “fresh rolls” which is the unfried cold version.

      I don’t often have the fried one unless I am eating in rather than taking out, and then it’s very dependent on the restaurant. Really fresh Vietnamese spring rolls, small, served with lettuce and herbs. But no one near me does those.

    5. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Anything fried (spring or egg) I think it’s the matter of the sauce (sweet and sour vs hot mustard). I like both, but the hot mustard usually wins out. Summer rolls (the fresh, uncooked, cold kind), beats any of the fried versions for me!

    6. RussianInTexas*

      Spring rolls, with shrimp, and peanut sauce for dipping!
      For egg rolls, I prefer the little Vietnamese ones, with the fish sauce for dipping.

    7. Bubbles*

      I love the crisp of spring rolls but the bulk of egg rolls, and spicy mustard is a *must*. :)

    8. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Overall, I too prefer spring rolls — so light and flaky! — but egg rolls are less mess. Since I have a cockroach issue and am trying to avoid things that are too crumbly, I’m on eggrolls for now.

    9. Hatchet*

      I love both, but lately I’ve been on a kick with egg rolls roughly cut up and mixed in with white rice… then sweet soy sauce (much like a hoisin sauce) mixed in. If I’m eating them without rice, it’s the spicy plum sauce! Yum!

  24. Bluebell Brenham*

    It’s fish doorbell season! Does anyone else watch this website? It’s a lock in Utrecht where you can ring the doorbell on screen to let the lock keeper know to let a waiting fish through the lock. I watched it a little last year, but this year I saw my first fish. And each week they have a video of fish highlights for that week.

    3. TX lizard*

      Love your username! I’ve always wanted to do the facility tour!

      And yes, love the fish doorbell!

      1. Bluebell Brenham*

        Thanks! Never visited the factory but I will always choose Homemade Vanilla as the best vanilla flavor anywhere.

    4. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I love the visdeurbel! I saw a fish once last year and it was so exciting!

      I’m going to be in Utrecht this summer and want to visit the doorbell.

    6. Annie Edison*

      Some friends recently moved to Utrecht and posted about the fish doorbell! I’d never heard of it but I love the idea

  25. Someone Asked About Portugal*

    In response to the person looking to move to Portugal (last week??), the admin of our homeschool group moved to Portugal on a digital nomad visa and used Viv Europe to file the paperwork.

  26. The Prettiest Curse*

    Have you ever wondered about the backstory to a sign? This week, I saw a local company’s fruit and veg delivery van, which had a sign saying “No oranges left in this van overnight.” This may have been a tongue-in-cheek take on “No cash/valuables left in this van overnight” – or maybe my area has a thriving market in stolen oranges. (But why only oranges?) Tell me your weird sign stories!

    1. allathian*

      Somewhere, in the middle of a field in England, there’s a sign that says “Do not throw stones at this sign”

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      “Right lane must leave the US”. It’s at a border crossing, so the backstory is pretty simple, but it cracks me up anyway.

    3. Dinosaur*

      My grad school had very detailed stick person images in every bathroom stall about how to use a toilet.

      There were pictorial directions of how to sit properly and dispose of toilet paper, and crossed out images of how not to sit (or stand) on the toilet or go on the ground. It was a very international campus so I assumed it was just for visitors used to different toileting practices, but more than one person told me there was an ‘incident’ a number of years ago that necessitated the signs. I never found out what the incident was!

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        Some cultures squat, so with ‘western’ toilets they put both feet on the seat and squat. This often causes a mess, but I could also see an ‘incident’ where the seat or toilet broke.

        1. Dinosaur*

          That’s exactly what I thought the signs intended to prevent, but it was always alluded that the misuse was deliberate and not related to cultural differences. I’m not sure why the admin thought the signs were the best way to prevent whatever was going on, but they sure were distinctive.

      2. Ellis Bell*

        I’ve been to lots of places where you put used toilet paper in a waste bin, so that part’s pretty clear to me.

      3. Cathy Lynn*

        We had signs like that show up in the stalls in our church restrooms. Turns out they for the kids in the preschool. I guess the teachers were tired of telling the kids all the time.

    4. RussianInTexas*

      Once you cross the border from Texas into Louisiana, billboards start to advertise clean restrooms in gas stations. Always cracks me up.

    5. FACS*

      I had a college job at a law firm. The attorneys had assigned parking spots. one was close to a nearby medical office so people would park there. The lawyers were in and out all the time. There was a sign with “private parking for X”. Then underneath another sign that said “Don’t. Just Don’t. I will tow you then we will both be unhappy”. Made me laugh every time

    6. Zephy*

      The backstory is hardly a mystery to anyone except maybe kids who haven’t learned about WWII yet, but it still amuses me to no end that the McDonald’s at Checkpoint Charlie in Berlin (because of course there’s a McDonald’s there) has a sign on the door that says “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE AMERICAN SECTOR.”

    7. Clisby*

      A little bodega in my neighborhood apparently sells a lot of beer, because cases of it are stacked back by their little lunch counter (great Mexican food as well as addictive cheeseburgers and chili dogs). They used to have signs saying “Please don’t sit on the beer.”

    8. Helvetica*

      Seen at a local market: “The apricots do not need a massage.”
      It’s shorter in the original language and the intent is obvious (stop touching and squeezing) but loved the way they worded it.

    9. Chaordic One*

      This is a bit work-related, but our office has the most convoluted and ridiculous rules for disposing of trash and there are signs posted by all of the trash cans for those rules. The most recent ones in the restrooms are “Trash cans are for used paper towels only. No food or food items in restroom trash cans. No bodily waste in restroom trash cans.” The inclusion of “bodily waste” signs appeared after an incident in the restroom and we all got emails about it. Apparently someone threw poopy paper towels into the restroom trash cans and the janitorial staff was, understandably, grossed out.

      Some time later the office pooper confessed to me. This person has Krohn’s Disease and had a bad bout of diarrhea at work, so much so that when they were through pooping and flushed the toilet, it plugged up and overflowed. This person then wiped up the mess and put the poopy paper towels in the restroom trashcans, triggering the janitorial response. The office pooper was given permission to work from home as a medical accommodation and this worked for a while, but they ended up taking early retirement for medical reasons.

    10. tree frog*

      My previous employer used to write “vegan poetry” on boxes that they didn’t want to be stolen

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          I’m kind of charmed by the idea of vegan poetry, though. Hummus Haiku. Vegan Villanelle. Soybean Sonnet.

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      Haven’t seen it in person, but I love the ones online that say things like “The Cat Has Been Fed. Do Not Listen To His Lies.”

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        How about the one saying not to feed the alligators hallucinogens?
        Would love the backstory on that one…

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I think I would instantly change careers, become a reporter, and hound every official in town until I got that story.

    12. Once a nurse*

      A bumper sticker seen at a used bookstore in Tucson… “I poke badgers with spoons.”

      1. Black horse*

        Oh, I know this one! It’s an “original sin”, as described by Eddie Izzard in “Dressed to Kill”

    13. allathian*

      The ones on the low lintels of some ancient English pubs, “Duck or Grouse” (with pictures of the birds). One such appears in at least one episode of Inspector Morse.

    14. Elizabeth West*

      There used to be a sign on the Holland Tunnel in NYC that said CLEARANCE 12′ 6″. WE MEAN IT! I found that hilarious and obviously somebody’s misjudgment made it necessary.

      Recently I saw where they’re going to put some signs on Storrow Drive here in Boston that say AUTOS ONLY. You can guess why, lol. “Storrowing” is a regular occurrence. I think every community has that one underpass, lol.

      1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        They put those up last year (and then some local media outlet got confused and reran the story).

        I saw some good temporary anti-Storrowing signs last August 31st. They apparently worked. It looks as though college students with U-Hauls are better at reading signs than the professionals who drive huge trucks for supermarkets.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        And every instance of Storrowing includes a driver who didn’t think the sign applied to their truck. Sheesh.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Lol, we had an underpass like that in my old city. Soooo many box vans bit the dust.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Ha! My local farmstand has one that says Unruly children will be given maple sugar and put to work weeding.

    17. Peanut*

      There was a small sign in English on the desk in our room in Paris, which I •think• was trying to convey, “don’t panic.” But what it actually said was, “In case of fire, do not lose your mind.”

      My dad swiped it.

    18. RLC*

      Sign at entrance to town of Kettle Falls, Washington (US): “1550 friendly people and one grouch”
      Sign advertising coffee and ice cream shop in village of Jordan Valley, Oregon (US): “Unforgettable Restrooms”. The women’s restroom walls feature extraordinary tile murals, indeed truly unforgettable.

    19. Just One Cornetto*

      “If you use our cornettos [packaged ice cream cones] for a Madonna impression you must then purchase them”.

    20. Bay*

      My sister saw a sign in a 2m-wide grassy median with 4 lanes of arterial on either side in a very urban area with no other visible grass: ‘no golfing’

    21. Don't Feed the Geese*

      At a park by my daughter’s house there is a sign that reads “Please Do Not Feed the Geese.” Backstory is that there were/are a LOT of geese there, pooping on the sidewalks and grass and generally making nuisances out of themselves. Feeding them makes it worse (and what people feed them isn’t generally good for the geese). My daughter and her husband bought this sign online and one dark night took it down to the park and added it to one of the posts below another sign. About a year later, the signs on different posts were consolidated onto one large post and their sign was duly moved to the big display.

    22. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Seen on a fence in Post Falls, Idaho, roughly 34 years ago: “No trespassing without authorization.” Still cracks me up.

    23. Not That Jane*

      Mini golf course at Glacier National Park has a big Grizzly bear at the final hole. You win a free smoothie if you get your ball in the middle hole. Sharpie sign on duct tape says “Do not put rocks in the bear.” Maybe someone attempted to cheat by using a rock instead of their ball? :D

    24. allathian*

      I know it’s not intentional, but the American sign to warn people of drowning that’s supposed to look like a person’s arms and head above squiggly waves absolutely reads like “lol” to me.

      A funny sign I saw in a Finnish b&b once: “This elevator is oh so broken.”

  27. Six Feldspar*

    What are the small woes impacting your life at the moment? The mildest of inconveniences?

    I’m asking this mostly because I don’t want to be the only person to be suffering from the petitest of problems (this week: losing multiple hair ties because my hair is now only *just* long enough to tie back and the ties keep falling off*), but I’m here to offer thoughts and prayers and the tiniest of violins if anyone needs them…

    1. The Prettiest Curse*

      My minor woe is also hair-related – my very fine hair is way too long and resembles straw at the moment because my schedule and my hairdresser’s schedule don’t sync up for roughly another fortnight.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        My bangs need yet another trim and trying to work out a time is like scheduling D Day.

    2. Mary Lynne*

      What a great question! Trying to think of the smallest personal annoyances had me realize that aside from the ubiquitous outer dumpster fire, I’m actually doing ok.

      My housemates (my daughter and her boyfriend) do not always squeegee down the shower door after they shower. That means I have to get in there and scrub it down slightly more often! Only slightly, because I don’t care very much.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Cleaning the shower is possibly my least favourite chore, you’re being very brave about it!

    3. ecnaseener*

      My ear is all blocked up from sinus pressure or something :( probably to do with the storms this week, in which case I get the teeniest violin ever for complaining when people got hit by tornadoes. But it’s been muffled and ringing for a few days now and it’s so annoying!

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I despise tinnitus! It’s been bugging me lately and I wonder if it’s to do with weather.

      2. Six Feldspar*

        That is deeply annoying and solidarity, when my sinuses are blocked I’m very tempted to get the cordless drill and add a couple of extra drainage holes…

    4. RussianInTexas*

      The book that was available on Libby two days ago is now on suddenly on hold, and I have to wait a whole week.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We are having a WHOLE WEEK, after tornado warnings (we got the warning but the actual tornado was about eight miles away), which led to a 24-hour power outage resulting in a flooded basement (because we also had a flood warning and the sump pump battery backup ran out after about 4 hours) and loss of most of my fridge contents, and sump pump issues (separate from the power outage) resulting in a SECOND flooded basement after we got the first one cleared up. (It has been cleared up again and the issues appear to have been resolved.)

      But right now, my biggest grumble is that my new tablet stand holds my tablet in such a manner that I cannot have the pencil magneted onto the long side properly.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          all the other stuff, totally not minor. But having to set my pencil on my table instead of sticking it back onto the side of the tablet because the holder blocks the magnet, that’s minor. :)

    6. WellRed*

      Having to share a very average fridge with two housemates. There’s never enough room and I don’t think either of them are mindful of keeping stuff better organized and neat to make more room. Related, I love condiments; all the mustards, relishes, cooking sauces. But I can’t have them all because shared space.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Is there space for a dorm size fridge? You could make it your Condiments Cooler!

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My husband has nine different jars of mustard taking up most of one door’s worth of shelves in my fridge. :P

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I don’t even know how much he has in his man cave mini fridge. (But if he is taking up too much space in the main fridge and I tell him to move some of his excess of condiments somewhere else he is happy to comply :) )

    7. Teapot Translator*

      It’s cloudy and it might rain and I have the prettiest of dresses for a party tonight. I’m going to have to put on boots and change shoes at the party venue. :(

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Sending thoughts and prayers… At least you’ll have comfy boots at the end of the night if you want to change out of the party shoes…

    8. Rara Avis*

      I drove about 1200 miles over the past 5 days, and now I need to get back in the car and drive another hour to the wedding shower of a beloved cousin, and then another hour after that to a concert Im performing in. And I want to do the things, but I also never want to see the inside of my car again.

      2. Six Feldspar*

        I think that’s even more annoying than a full nosebleed because you can’t be sure that it won’t get worse… Sending good vibes to you and your nose…

    10. Busy Middle Manager*

      visit reddit petpeeves for more commisseration

      My oh so terrible struggles include:

      Afraid to drive anywhere tomorrow because parking is always the worst when you return on a sunday.

      Want to visit an old sick relative during the week. Everytime I do mid-week activities I miss big setups (day trader) but when I sit at the computer all day, nothing happens, trying to figure out what is more likely on Monday

      And the pettiest: I’ve deep cleaned and “staged” my house twice for a friend who occasionally stays here, but they’ve been delayed twice due to life circumstances. So I might need to deep clean again! The horrors

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I repeatedly keep reading this as “pine pap smears” which is a hell of a mental image… Hope it cleans off easy for you!

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Naaah the next step is to open the dishwasher and let it air dry for at least a few hours, that’s a critical step, you’re off the hook.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, unless I’m expecting visitors I keep my clean dishes in the dishwasher. I only empty the remainder when the sink is full and it’s time to run another load. At least in the winter, spring, and fall I do. In a heawave I can’t get away with keeping dirty dishes in the sink for a day.

          1. Might Be Spam*

            I use a bungie cord to hold the door slightly open so it’s easier to reach in and grab a clean plate or utensils. The bungie cord also takes off some of the load from the door springs, which can break.

    13. goddessoftransitory*

      Husband never, ever ever EVER hanging up the potholders once he’s used them. He sets them on top of the fridge! The hook to hang them up is RIGHT OVER THE STOVE! EVERY TIME!

      1. allathian*

        My husband does the same thing! To his credit, though, he does most of the cooking at our house.

    14. Past Lurker*

      My favorite coffeehouse suddenly started making their frittata in square pans instead of round pans this week. I find this mildly distressing.

      2. dapfloodle*

        My fave coffeehouse in town is falling down on their food options… which is not the main thing for me but I do like getting a breakfast item with my coffee on my once-weekly visits. They used to have amazing mini coffee cakes in fun flavors (I think a rum raisin one was my favorite but they also had a great chocolate-hazelnut, etc.), but discontinued those, and they also used to get large breakfast tacos from another local spot each morning and sell them, but now I’m down to only liking one breakfast thing, a raspberry white chocolate scone. I’m a variety person so I don’t want to eat that every week. They said they were going to start making their own breakfast tacos, but no way will they be as good as this other place they used to get the tacos from.

    15. Clara Bowe*

      I have to figure out what I am going to feed myself this week, then make a LIST, and go to the store and BUY those things, *throws toddler tantrum of True Despair*

      2. Six Feldspar*

        You would think that brains would learn to deal with something that happens every week, right?

    16. Forrest Rhodes*

      My apartment doesn’t provide private parking so my truck lives on the street in front of my place. It’s not a big deal; just a minor accommodation for living where I live.

      But no matter where I park, whether it’s under the trees on one side of the street or under the power lines on the non-treed side, a block north or a block south of my place, I am constantly finding little (and not-so-little) gift-splotches from the local birds on my windshield—usually in the exact geometric center of the driver’s-side windshield.

      I feel like I can see them plotting as they wait for me to arrive home: “Okay, here she comes … she’s under the overhead lines this time. Wait ’til she goes inside … okay, guys, line up—now, three, two, one … bombs away!”

      I swear they’ve selected me on purpose—none of my neighbors, who often park in exactly the same places I do, seem to have this problem. I haven’t yet figured out how to repay those stupid birds, but I’ve been working on it for the last several years and am bound to come up with a solution any day now … make that any year now …

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Solidarity, my dad also has a feud with the local tawny frogmouth that poops on his car… And last spring I was apparently designated public enemy number one by the local ducks… Honestly I think they just pick a random human to mess with until they get bored and pick another…

    17. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I did one of my big Costco grocery runs last night, and now my fridge is too full to fit in all the beer I bought. I’ll have to eat some of the also-from-Costco cheese before I have sufficient beer storage room.

      Truly a crisis.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        What a hobbit problem! Wishing you the best of luck in this trying time, hopefully you get through it without being roped into a quest…

      2. Raia*

        What are your favorite costco cheeses? I longingly stare at them but there’s no way I can stomach eating through a whole one if it isn’t pretty good.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I don’t tend to buy their fancier cheeses unless it’s a special occasion where I’m likely to have people over to also eat fancy cheese, but they tend to have better prices than regular grocery stores on some of the staple cheeses I eat.

          Goat cheese is part of my regular breakfast routine, so I stocked up on that. My typical cheddar cheese is the Tillamook extra sharp white cheddar, and I also like to buy string cheese for quick grab-and-go snacks for days at work when I’m pretty sure I won’t get an uninterrupted lunch break and will be eating when I have a few minutes here or there. I also like their little cheese-cranberry-nut snack packages for those kinds of days.

          This time I also picked up a block of Kerrygold sharp cheddar, which is more expensive than the Tillamook so I don’t usually buy it. My dad likes to buy one of their trays with the four kinds of sliced cheeses when it’s hot in the summer and he doesn’t want to cook hot meals, but I tend to prefer either string cheese or really sharp cheddar for that, so I tend to skip those and cube up some cheddar instead.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      Blankets and my rug. I need to take them to the laundromat, and I just cannot seem to get that done.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        You’ve got all summer to do that before you’ll need them again right? Plenty of time to gather your resources, I believe in you

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I need to do it now so I can put them away. Right now they’re in a laundry bag in the corner of the bedroom and taking up space. The rug (a white rag rug I bought ages ago at Tuesday Morning) is also in the bedroom and gets used all year, so it gets dirty. I can do them all together in the big washer at the laundromat. I just don’t like going on the weekend because it’s crowded.

    19. Anima*

      I can’t listen to Sleep Token because my husband is using the Bluetooth speaker for a podcast. The horror of wearing headphones is upon me.

    20. PX*

      I just bit my tongue having lunch (ow)

      I’m visiting a friend and when I bought the tickets thought I’d be busy on Monday so booked an early morning train back. Turns out I will be free on Monday so instead of being able to have a leisurely morning and then head to the train station I will have to be up early for no good reason. Ugh. I wish changing ticket reservations was cheaper here.

    21. carcinization*

      Also hair, I got a reasonably good haircut a few days ago from a stylist I went to for the third time, but after washing I’ve realized that I didn’t get it texturized/thinned out enough, though it’s a good cut otherwise. It’s going to get hot here soon so I will not be happy in a few weeks. I will just try to actually go back in 6 weeks instead of waiting 2 months like the last time, and be more clear about what I need. I’d thought maybe this person and I were past that because I got such a good haircut last time, but next time I guess I’ll have to bring past pictures of myself and all that song and dance again in order to get what I want. I had had a hard week and got distracted fielding a series of questions about what I like to listen to, in the car or otherwise, so I could have been a little more communicative about my actual hair.

    23. Firebird*

      It irks me that I have to scroll down to look for the blue line next to new posts in the Weekend Feed. I don’t want to miss the new posts, but sometimes I scroll too fast and miss some. I want to be able to just do a “find next” for new posts.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        In case it helps, I tend to note the last time I posted, and then do a find for the date plus that hour, read all those, and then continue with subsequent hours between then and now. Imperfect, but better than plain scroll.

    24. Crop Tiger*

      I went outside to get the mail barefoot and my neighbor’s very large, very enthusiastic pit bull-ish dog galloped over to greet me, stepped on my foot, and now I have a bruise.

    25. fhqwhgads*

      I was snowed upon for approximately 2 minutes for the first time in nearly 20 years.
      (I hate snow)

  28. Gnomes (UK)*

    Can anyone help me with doing the dishes?
    My partner has bad eczema, meaning he can’t really get his hands wet for any length of time without them being very painful, sometimes for weeks afterwards. The sweat from wearing gloves is enough to set it off too, so he basically can’t do the dishes. Fine. When we moved in together, I thought I would be fine to just do them all the time, as long as he was doing other things around the house instead.
    As it turns out, I am now 99% certain that I have undiagnosed inattentive ADHD. This seems to mean that I find doing the dishes So. F-ing. Hard. I’m ok if there aren’t many to do, and if I can make myself do them straight after we’ve eaten. But if there’s a lot, or a reason I can’t do them straight away, like we’ve got people round, or I need to go out that evening, they just seem to mount up and get out of control. I just get completely overwhelmed, struggle to know how to get them done, and have had to spend, like, literal days sorting it out before. It’s caused so much tension, because the kitchen can get pretty gross and unpleasant to use.
    Does anybody have any suggestions? I would dearly love a dishwasher but we can’t have one in our rented house. I have looked at countertop dishwashers, but they’re pretty expensive and we just don’t have a lot of money at the moment.

    1. Ochre*

      I don’t have ADHD or eczema so if these ideas don’t resonate then feel free to pass them by:

      Can he make sure dishes get rinsed and stacked? Using a dish brush should keep his hands mostly dry. Rinse all dishes after every meal and stack like items together. Put all silverware in a bowl or mug with soapy water to soak.

      Can you agree together that (absent times when you have guests) dishes are the first thing you do after eating and you do them together? Can he dry them? Put on music, have a post-meal drink or hot chocolate, make it a ritual.

      When it gets bad, can you do one basket full and then give yourself permission to stop? It will make it take longer to get back to zero but it makes the task much less insurmountable. If the basket is full of high-density items like plates, cool, but sometimes visually clearing the counter of big bulky stuff does more to lighten the cognitive load of what’s left. Plus it gets your pans clean in time to use them again when presumably you have some duplicate bowls or plates.

      I’ve never had a dishwasher and I even *like* doing dishes but they get away from me sometimes too. The thing I’m most aware of is how tackling the bulky stuff suddenly makes the rest of it look less daunting.

      1. Ochre*

        Replying to myself to add that when my spouse and I first moved in together we wanted to try all kinds of new recipes and cook our family favorites for each other and that was awesome but we kinda got into a pattern of using every dish in our small kitchen for some of these meals. I (as the primary doer of dishes) had to say “we can’t cook something tonight that’s going to make 2 hours of dishes.” It helped! we still did special meals sometimes but we got better at keeping to, say, weekends, not nights when we had to be up the next morning.

        Also another thought is to try to put some work into minimizing dishes *where possible* (“optimization” can become a horrible rabbit hole!). Examples: lining baking sheets with parchment paper so they don’t get so greasy, cutting veggies first and then meat so you don’t need 2 cutting boards, measuring dry pasta/rice into one of the bowls you’ll be serving from (or eating from) so you don’t have to wash an extra bowl, storing leftovers in the container they were cooked in (lidded glass baking containers are helpful for this).

      2. Hyaline*

        Was going to say this—make dishes a joint activity where you wash and he dries and puts away, or even if he can’t touch the wet dishes, he tidies the kitchen and chats with you. Make it time you spend together and an extension of the meal you share instead of a chore you do solo.

          1. Manders*

            I worked in a bio lab where one of my coworkers had a skin condition where she couldn’t wear nitrile or latex gloves. She was able to deal with it by wearing thin cotton gloves under the other gloves. Might be an option worth trying?

        2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I like the idea of group activity! I used to have some delightful housemates where someone would read a 19th-century novel aloud to the person doing dishes. I too am an inattentive-ADHD dish avoider, and I loved having the extra stimulation of a narrative going on. Otherwise, doing dishes is so BORING!

          On occasions when he can’t read, maybe try an audio book or a podcast, or some great music?

          1. goddessoftransitory*

            I like this idea! Pick out a “dishes podcast” that you only listen to at that time; preferably one with lots of cliffhanger endings.

          2. Shiny Penny*

            I am using audiobooks (free from the library!) to induce me to do chores. So helpful!

      3. Common sense*

        Buy a used countertop dishwasher on Craigslist. I did this just before the pandemic and it was just over $100.

        Or meet with your landlord and emphasize that you want to install a full dishwasher and will
        pay for it.

    2. LGP*

      I relate so much to this! I’m neurodivergent and have hands that are often painful, so I really hate doing dishes. One thing that helped me was to listen to a podcast while doing them. I would find something interesting and only let myself listen to it during dishes so that it kind of motivated me to do them so I could find out what happens next. :)
      I know you said a dishwasher is basically out of reach right now, and I understand that all too well; I just moved after living for 10 years in a place with no dishwasher. But I have one in my new place and it is SUCH a game changer. So my biggest advice would be to prioritize getting one (even a countertop one) as soon as you’re able to. I would often think, “I don’t really want to spend so much money on something that I don’t *technically* need. I can get by without it.” And yes technically I could, but having one has made such an improvement in my quality of life. So I’m just trying to say, if you’re anything like me and feel like it “shouldn’t” be a high priority, I want to reassure you that yes it should. It’s worth it.

    3. WS*

      My partner has ADHD and I have arthritis that leads to me dropping wet plates, so she does the dishes and I do the organising of dishes and making a time to do them. If your partner physically can’t wash dishes, he can still put in the mental work to get you to do them.

    4. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      For the both of you seconding the
      – rinsing the dishes immediately after use
      – stacking them (and in little areas for each type, like all cups in the same place and all bowls etc) and
      – putting all dirty cutlery in a mug/bowl; we use a small plastic basket

      Maybe for your partner: bigger rubber gloves over cotton gloves. The cotton gloves should insulate well against the heat and soak up any possible sweat without irritating the skin.

      For you tackling larger amounts of dishes: break it down into parts – maybe do only the glasses first or all drinking vessels or until your drainer is full. Then have a break – timed or not, whichever works best for you (for me it simply depends). And do another part of it later on. But do aim to do it all in one day.

      Generally, having specific areas for specific things in your kitchen should help with keeping the kitchen less gross. Those areas shouldn’t be set too small because that will probably constitute a higher threshold to using them but if both of you diligently use them (like, always putting your dirty dishes in the same spot) that should work out well long-term.
      Good luck to you!

    5. I didn't say banana*

      Do you have one of the brushes with the soap in it? I find that is so easy to just wash one or two things as needed so they don’t pile up. So quick that I plate up dinner and wash the pan I cooked in before we eat.

      And I agree with everyone suggesting your partner does a soap free rinse straight away. It’s harder to wash caked on food so that can make tackling several days’ worth even worse.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree I liked those pre-filled soap ones.

        I also had a plastic soaking bowl that was cutlery sized that we filled with hot, soapy water and just a little bleach right before we started cooking, and all utensils went in there to soak as we were done with them, which then made them much faster to clean afterwards. Just the orderliness of that helped honestly, half my failures in the dishes game are mental. The sink fills up fast and I get overwhelmed and discouraged.

    6. Fit Farmer*

      Your partner can’t do the dishes. You suck at doing the dishes. It’s okay, I suck at doing the dishes too! I know just what you’re talking about, as much as any random internet person can, and the first and crucial step for me was to acknowledge that I have trouble doing the dishes, and that’s fine. Annoying, troublesome, but fine. There are many other things that I am good at doing, and it’s okay that I have a really difficult time doing this thing that everybody else does.

      So the two of you are in the same boat, unable to do the dishes well enough on your own. You’ve covered for him, because something about him makes him unable to get the dishes done. How can he cover for you, because something about you makes you unable to get the dishes done? Your both acknowledging that you have a joint problem, as partners, is the way forward — how are you two going to get the dishes done?

      The comments so far are primarily ideas for how to make the *work* easier, and in my experience it’s a trap to feel like that’s the problem. If only it were LESS work, it will be fine! It won’t be. The issue here (I suspect) isn’t that you aren’t good at the work, it’s something about the urgency/initiation of the task.

      Which…fortunately, is something that your partner can help with! A specific suggestion is that he hangs out with you while you do it, or does similar work in the same room—or at least helps get you going on the task, if it’s not hard for you to continue under your own power once you’re in the middle of the project. I don’t ever wash a dish anymore when I’m not talking on the phone with a friend/partner, I don’t even think about doing it, because I probably won’t do it, and my life is much improved by waiting for or creating optimum conditions and choosing to do the task at that moment, in those conditions.

      Can you figure out what YOUR optimum conditions are, when the barrier to beginning the task is lowest? And can you find ways *with your partner* to intentionally create those conditions? This will probably take some trial and error, but if it can be a joint project, it’s a totally solvable one.

      1. Sloanicota*

        This is such a great point. If partner finishes their meal and trots off to do something else after dinner (please say you cooked it together) leaving me to handle the entirety of the dish-chore, I would start off already discouraged and demoralized.

      2. Still*

        This is a great point. Your partner might not be able to physically wash the dishes but should be a part of the solution, in whatever way you find most helpful.

        Would it help to put away most of your dishes and only keep the absolute minimum you need? If you only have two plates, you’ll be forced to clean them before your next meal. And the less stuff you have, the less it can pile up.

    7. Sloanicota*

      When I first moved into our house, the undone dishes became some kind of visible symbol of my failings – always piling up, always neglected, etc. It was ROUGH. Ultimately I did struggle until I had enough saved to redo the kitchen and add a dishwasher (five years!!!) but there were two techniques that helped; maybe you can adapt them to yourself. The first was that my church switched to zoom service and I could often “make” myself do the dishes while watching it on my laptop because I almost felt like I was “getting away” with something. I could also do it during recorded work webinars, just anything I “had” to watch. Weirdly, I tried to do it during a streaming show I actually liked and wanted to watch, but that felt “optional” meaning I wouldn’t start it if I didn’t want to do the dishes. Church started with or without me, which really helped. Second, I’m often cold, and whenever I was, I would very deliberately think, “this would be a nice cozy time to wash dishes” instead of hopping in the shower … like I had to recast the chore as a nice warming thing I was doing for myself.

      1. Sloanicota*

        Oh wait, one more (sorry, this is the kind of thing I spent a LOT of mental energy on) – one piece of wisdom I heard once is that you have to change your mental sense of the task to include the putting-away part … so “doing laundry” means you have put the clothes in the drawers, whereas if I think “doing laundry” ends at folding, that’s a problem I’ve made for myself. With two people, “dinner” should end with the clean sink, not with the final bite of food. I can’t say I always manage to do this but I notice it’s often at the root of my failings.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          “With two people, ‘dinner’ should end with a clean sink, not the final bite of food.”

          THIS. Feeling abandoned two/three times a day with a sink full of dishes is not fun at ALL. Partner, if he isn’t already, needs to put food away, scrape and stack stuff, empty the dish drainer and put clean stuff away; it needs to be a joint effort.

    8. sb51*

      Have your partner keep you company and fetch dishes for you/clear space to put them/chat with you. I often walk into the kitchen to do them, realize that I need to empty the dish drainer, take out the recycling (which requires putting on real pants and shoes), and only then can I do the sensorily unpleasant bit of washing the dishes, at which point I turn around and leave the kitchen.

      But if everything is ready, I can usually get myself over the hump of washing the first dish, at which point the easiest thing to do mentally is keep doing what I’m doing rather than switching tasks, so I generally complete the dishes before getting sidetracked.

    9. Drowning faculty*

      I have my husband put away the clean ones and then it’s easier to just start the dishes because there are no additional steps first. I also have ADHD and it’s just too much with all the additional steps some days. If that’s not possible (he’s sick, out of town, working late) I will do dishes in increments. Put stuff away, go read a chapter or do a work or fun thing for 20 minutes, come back, wash all the eating dishes, go do something else for 20 minutes, come back, wash all the pots. Is it efficient? Not really, but I’ll set timers and tell myself I can handle 5 minutes of dishes at a time.

    10. A*

      Every time I’ve been overwhelmed with some aspect of chores, household management, or clutter techniques to manage the task never worked. What works for me is eliminating the amount that needs to be managed in the first place.

      First, it’s okay to do dishes in front of guests. Second, when you have time to do dishes right after you eat, use normal cutlery, cooking utensils, etc. When you are crunched for time and can’t do the dishes immediately after eating, it is okay to use disposable so there is less to build up.

      I would also look into recipes specifically formatted for less dishes like one pot meals and sheet pan meal.

      I would also like to push back on the suggestions that your partner handles the mental load of dishes and you handle doing the dishes. This turns your relationship into way too much of a “manager/direct report” role. I also don’t love the idea of trying to turn the task into bonding time for the two of you. I think that is just putting the spotlight on the dishes when what will really help you is to minimize the dishes in every way.

      Your mindset here is: minimize not manage.

    11. Turtle Dove*

      I feel easily overwhelmed by dirty dishes. And of course they nag at me the loudest when I sit down to relax. So I take baby steps: The next time I get up to use the bathroom or grab a snack, I have to wash five to ten items. It’s pretty quick. After I do those, I might also help Future Me by presoaking five to ten more items so that my next round is easier. Soon enough they’re all done. It seems silly as I type it out, but it works well for me. In fact, I use baby steps in most projects. I’m a sprinter, not a marathoner.

      1. WellRed*

        One thing I like about streaming is it tells me how long the commercials are so I dash into the kitchen and wash a few.

    12. Peregrine*

      I know it’s not ecologically friendly, but can you use single-use paper plates and bowls? You could even use paper cups, or drink canned drinks. Then all you have is cooking dishes and silverware. I think that’s better than a dirty kitchen that can attract bugs.

      1. Things can be easier*

        This! Also search KC Davis, who has a whole book and plenty of social media content about precisely this (challenges of doing dishes and workarounds).

    13. Fellow Traveller*

      I have eczema and I remember when my dermatologist told me to stop doing the dishes, I laughed at him.
      Non-latex, cotton lined gloves are a life saver for me.
      When the eczema is really bad, I wash with a dish brush rather than a sponge, so that I avoid touching the water.
      Do you soak the dishes? I find that also helps motivate me because it feels like they are already half done.
      I also love a tip I heard from someone that when they feel overwhelmed, they just tell themselves that they will just wash for squirt on the sponge worth of soap.

    14. Double A*

      I lived many years without a dishwasher and I watched a ton of TV while I did dishes. Like, whole runs of multiple shows. I just streamed on my phone or a tablet.

    15. tree frog*

      Some things that have worked for me personally, dish wise:
      -Having a hard rule for myself that all of the dishes need to be done before I can go to bed
      -Saving a podcast I really like for dishes time only, as extra incentive
      -Doing as many dishes as possible while cooking or in the kitchen for other reasons
      -Starting the dish process by organizing the space so it feels less chaotic

      Some general ADHD “non-preferred task” solutions that I have heard from others (YMMV):
      -Turn on really bright lights or annoying music and don’t allow yourself to turn them off until the task is done
      -Don’t allow yourself to wear your cozy inside clothes until the task is done
      -Rotate the task with other tasks or rest breaks

    16. Anon for this*

      I live alone so am free to do anything that works for me, and also hate doing dishes. I therefore wait and do big batches at once. The trick is to wipe them off entirely with the meal’s paper napkins, (until zero food residue is achieved) and then stack compactly. BUT! Never stack/store dishes in the sink! Wet dishes become a stinky nightmare in short order, which is absolutely the worst. (Also I live in a place where kitchen bugs are not a risk, which definitely pertains).
      When finally a full load has accumulated and it’s time to load the dishwasher, I only do that step when I’m chatting to a friend on a headset as a distraction/reward
      Also, used appliances can be much more affordable than new? I had a countertop dishwasher off Craigslist for a really reasonable price that lasted years. Then I got a portable dishwasher (on wheels) for a great price from a used appliance place that has worked great for over a decade. For me the physical pain of standing to wash dishes made it worthwhile to prioritize that expense.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        You don’t just put them into the dishwasher after you’ve used them, then run it when it’s full?

    17. Girasol*

      I drink a lot of tea and snack a lot. So every time tea water is heating or something is going around the microwave for a minute, I race through as much kitchen work as I can get done before it’s ready. I don’t necessarily finish but it does keep the heap down to manageable size.

    18. Clara Bowe*

      Speaking as someone that really struggled with this? Please prioritize a countertop dishwasher. PLEASE. I put it off due to money for a long time and I honestly cannot explain what a huge damn difference it has been for my mental health. I got a Farberware one for $350, and while that is a lot, TRUST ME when I say it was worth eating beans and rice for a few weeks. In my head, it was worth the roughly ten therapy co-pays.

    19. HannahS*

      Buy compostable paper plates and recyclable aluminum pans for the oven.

      If you feel eco-guilt, find another way to reduce your impact.

      1. Clisby*

        Seconding the recyclable aluminum pans, especially for food that leaves the dish in a mess (pans of lasagna, mac & cheese & the like seem to take forever to clean. Just don’t.)

      2. amoeba*

        Eh, I mean, those aren’t cheap, I imagine doing that for a few months would easily add up to the cost of a countertop dishwasher? Also, maybe it’s different for others, but I really, really don’t like eating from paper plates, so that would very much be a last resort type of solution for me!

    20. Lizard*

      There are two things that have helped me get the dishes done when I really don’t want to.

      1. Establish a set order of tasks that I follow every time. A big part of what used to slow me down was looking at a messy kitchen and not knowing where to start. This way I have a checklist of discrete tasks that makes it much more manageable. I have a dishwasher, so it’s a little different, but my tasks are:
      -Everything that can be put away should be put away (ingredients, leftovers, clean dishes etc.,)
      -Throw out trash/recycling/compost
      -Small dishes (silverware, plates and bowls etc.,)
      -Bigger dishes (pots and pans)
      -Wipe down counters

      2. Setting a timer. I’m very likely to start doing the dishes and then wander off and start doing something more interesting. Setting a 10-15 minute timer puts some pressure on me to actually stand in the kitchen and do the dishes and also reminds me that it doesn’t take as much time as it feels like it does in my head.

      1. Sloanicota*

        “Wander off and start doing something more interesting” – thank you for this, I feel like so much motivation/cleaning tips are chirping at me that ‘getting started is the hardest part!!’ which must be true for most people but … I need more tips for how to get things finished.

    21. Jay*

      I have severe, chronic, painful dry skin on my hands.
      I don’t think it’s eczema levels of bad, but it’s pretty bad.
      I also have a job where not wearing gloves is worse than wearing them.
      Here are some things that I’ve found help me tremendously:
      -Use different kinds of gloves. Things like commercial fishing gloves (Showa Atlas is a common brand) have an absorbent lining inside them and are extra durable and waterproof. You can also wash and reuse them. As a bonus, they are specifically meant to be able to be worn with cloth gloves under them for cold weather use, which should keep his hands extra try and comfy.
      -Try a higher grade of latex glove. I use shop type gloves. There are plenty available, but 4-9mil should be fine. You can also get them in specific sizes and they have added grip and resistances to tearing, grease, and chemicals. These pair best with the next two things:
      -Use lotion before putting the gloves on. This will not only help prevent sweat irritation, it will make the lotion work better. I tend to use a lot of a regular store brand (Palmers), and it does wonders for me.
      -Use a powder under the gloves. It can be whatever works best for him. Body powder, foot powder, baby powder, whatever causes the least irritation. A little warning here: I find this does eventually dry my hands out badly, if I use this method too often or for too long. At that point, I just switch to the lotion for a bit, and, problem solved! Just don’t try both at the same time ;)
      Hope this helps.

    23. miel*

      My lovely partner, who has ADHD, does almost all the dishes. <3 She usually puts on a podcast or watches TV while she does it.

      (She also has meds for ADHD! Recommend, if that's an option for you.)

      We also got a countertop dishwasher that doesn't require any plumbing hookups. It is a great help.

    24. cncx*

      I live alone and what has helped me is putting my extra dishes and pots out of the way. So I have them for company but if it is just me I have two sets of dishes and one pot and one frying pan easy to get to.

  29. Oink*

    You get $500 that can only be spent on something that benefits you directly – ie can’t donate or gift. What do you use the money on?

    I would book a nice hotel room for the night just for myself. And get expensive takeouts and pay for patreon subscriptions for all my favorite podcasts to listen to the entire day.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Either craft supplies, or a $500 Disney gift card to go toward my next trip.

      1. Two cents*

        I agree on the craft supplies, but I’m not sure that would fit perfectly in the prompt for me because I sew loads for other people and that would count as gifting…

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’m counting it because for me, the benefit is in the crafting – it’s a fun and enjoyable way to spend my time. What I do with the results is, while I prefer it to be at least somewhat practical, purely incidental. :)

          Which is why I get a little internally eyerolly when people ask me what I’m going to knit with the yarn I’m spinning. I dunno. Right now I’m spinning yarn because I enjoy spinning yarn. Next time I feel like knitting something, I’ll look at the yarn I have (whether store-bought or hand-spun) and see what inspires me. Spinning, knitting, crocheting, and acquiring yarn/fluff are all very different hobbies and I indulge them all on a regular basis. :)

            3. Six Feldspar*

              Acquiring, organising, planning and using your craft supplies are four distinct hobbies!

    3. Sloanicota*

      Joke answer: ooh, I’d treat myself to a nice six pack of eggs. Real answer: I’d probably go to this fancy little bakery and buy out their fancy cakes/pies, which I usually never get because they’re just too expensive.

    4. Maryn*

      I’d register for some kind of lessons or a class. There are so many things I want to learn to do! Pattern fitting, that’s a big one; I sew reasonably well but have a lot of fitting failures. Maybe another craft like woodworking or quilting, maybe pottery.

    7. UKDancer*

      I’d go to a really nice spa hotel and have a spa day with treatments, a nice meal and stay overnight. Then I’d have a full English breakfast before going home.

    10. The Dude Abides*

      – Good deep tissue massage. I’m athletically active 5-6 days a week, and my body doesn’t snap back like it used to.
      – PS2 and N64, with a smattering of games I loved growing up (FFX, OoT, etc). We have a projector in the basement for family movie night, and my 6yo likes to “play along” if I emulate 2D video games while we leave it up.

    11. Zephy*

      Spa day! $500 will pay for a deluxe massage, facial, manicure and pedicure, with generous tips for all the technicians, and I’ll get to feel like the fanciest and most relaxed slug in the world.

    12. Victoria, Please*

      All the days of 90-minute massages in a row that I could do with $500. Probably that’s only about 3.

    13. Tiny Clay Insects*

      A few new books, a cute dress, and an afternoon at my favorite tea shop, drinking their most expensive teas and eating snacks, while wearing my new dress and reading a new book.

      1. Tiny Clay Insects*

        No, I immediately changed my mind. I’m having a minor knee surgery this week and will be around the house a lot as I heal. I would use the money to pay for someone to do a deep clean of my house.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      At least one more bookcase and as many books off my current groaning Amazon wish list as can fit in it! (I use it to keep track, but try to buy as many as possible from my locals.)

    15. High five*

      Fluevog Grand National boots, or the similar Corset boots.
      I’m not even a shoe person. They just haunt me.

    16. Girasol*

      Weekend getaway – two days in one of the nearby mountain towns just poking around the shops, walking in the woods, and eating nice things.

    17. Bluebell Brenham*

      Good tickets to Cabaret or Oh Mary! I’d pay for travel in addition. I’m hoping to see one of them this summer.

    18. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Can I spend it over a period of weeks? I’d like to make several trips to the good local chocolatier that has a lot of vegan chocolates that are just as good as other places’ dairy chocolates. Several trips so all the chocolate is nice and fresh.

    19. Sitting Pretty*

      A small piece of art made by one of my favorite local artists and a decent frame for it.

    21. KeinName*

      We got gifted 500€ from the government a few years ago (all citizens). I used it on 1 night in fancy spa hotel. Which I used it up at once sadly.

    23. Elizabeth West*

      I would put it toward a little weekend trip to Cape Cod, before it gets busy. I have been here for two years and I still have not been to the damn beach! Arrrrgh!

      1. Miss Buttons*

        Oh, you gotta get to the Cape! I’ve been there every summer of my life. But the nicest time by far IMO is May and June before the crowds descend.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          That’s what I was hoping for, until my knee decided otherwise! >:(

          It better be okay before July. The festivities for the 250th sound like they’ll be fun. I also do not want to miss the cherry blossoms at the Esplanade this spring. And I desperately need to go to the Plimoth Patuxet Museums for research. Stupid knee!

  30. Overwhelmed by the Fun*

    Anyone want to help me design my new condo? I’m feeling overwhelmed and need someone to help me decide what to do. I’m very into mid-century modern, but with a slight fondness for 70s kitsch. The condo was renovated with more modern features (black fixtures — faucette, bathroom mirror, ceiling fans), which I’m not a huge fan of, but think I could fold into the design rather than make it a focal point. I’m a little obsessed with wallpaper at the moment. I would kind of love to wallpaper or paint my half bathroom with a scene ala Shel Silverstein. But that might be a pipe dream.

    Anyway

    1. E*

      There are some subreddits that are great for this – people post photos of their space and get really good advice. Check out DesignMyRoom, HomeDecorating, and interiordecorating

    2. Roy G. Biv*

      I have been obsessing over the geometric designs on painted paper dot com website, and would love a dramatic, moody half bath featuring one of them. I support your idea 100%!

    3. goddessoftransitory*

      This actually might be a chance to use AI for good: maybe enter pictures of the space, then try out different styles and pieces that catch your eye?

    4. Isabel Archer*

      Suggesting Alexandra Gater’s You Tube channel. She does makeovers, and has lots of videos labeled by room and design style.

    5. LBD*

      The pink and black, or turquoise and black, looks are certainly mid century. If you find accessories in those combos, it would make the other black items blend in more. Good luck and have fun!

  31. A jacket for this time of year*

    I need a new jacket suitable for Spring and Fall weather. Can anyone recommend a good site for this? When I search on “lightweight jackets” I get ones that are definitely lightweight but seem designed for really cold winter weather, and that’s not what I need.

    What I want is a lightweight jacket, about lower hip length, very rain-resistant, with a hood, (and here is the tricky part) good for temps from about 45F to 65F. Any suggestions are welcome! The puffer types seem very comfy but too warm. Thanks!

    2. Bella Ridley*

      I have a Helly Hansen jacket that meets this criteria and they have a few in that vein. Searching at a local sporting goods or outdoors store might yield you better results.

    3. Maryn*

      I have a mid-thigh jacket like that from Lands End, with a belt, a hood, and a fairly light quilted lining that can be removed. It’s great for the temperature range you’re talking about.

      I’ve had it for about five years, so I don’t see that exact jacket at their site, but they appear to have a fairly good selection that might meet your needs.

    4. Hatchet*

      I bought one a few years ago that sounds similar to what you are looking for – waterproof and wind resistant with a removable hood. I use it in those blustery drizzly days. If you search “lightweight Waterproof Rain Jacket with Hood” you’ll see something similar to what I have. (Also happy to post a direct link.)

        1. Hatchet*

          This may be too casual for what you’re looking for. If so, it might be a good starting spot to explore! (I felt the medium is closer to a med-large, which is fine for me if i need to wear an extra layer or coat underneath.)
          https://a.co/d/8Zq0lfK

    6. talos*

      Not that it’s cheap (I got mine on a deep sale), but Outdoor Research makes a couple of lightweight jackets in that vein.

    7. Generic Name*

      See you looking for waterproof? What’s your general style? Are you looking for something casual or dressy?

      2. A jacket for this time of year*

        My style in jackets is, does it fit and meet my functional needs? But since it would be my only jacket for that weather, I’d like it to be stylistically neutral that I could wear for just about any occasion without looking odd.

    8. Fellow Traveller*

      I like backcountry.com – there is a wide variety of brands there and things are often discounted.

    9. goddessoftransitory*

      I will watch this space, because I want the exact same thing! I’m tired of just wearing my old hoodies but get overheated very easily.

    10. Annie*

      Try “windbreaker” for a search term on clothing sites. My dad swears by one when it’s cool enough to need extra skin coverage and rain repelling but too warm for a real jacket.

    11. Double A*

      I’d check out Prana, Patagonia, and Nau as brands that might have jackets that are what you are looking for, with varying degrees of outdoorsiness.

    12. numbers lady*

      I don’t know if you’ll see this as you posted yesterday, but I purchased a jacket on amazon last April and it worked for a drizzly England trip in May and a chilly December trip to Paris. It has been a fabulous choice, perfect for spring and fall in New England, and fits most occasions. Also, not expensive. Only $60. This is the description on Amazon “Outdoor Ventures Women’s Lightweight Waterproof Fleece Lined Hooded Softshell Rain Jacket, Warm Windbreaker Long Coat” I’m 5’2″ 130 and bought a small in the dark grey.

  32. No Tribble At All*

    Looking for board book recommendations! Specifically, board books that mention / are about a dad without being a Very Special Episode type book that’s *only* about dads.

    My husband’s birthday is coming up, and I want to get him a few board books from our toddler. Husband is sad about so many board books always talk about Mama or Mommy, and there aren’t too many that have Dad as the parent unless they’re specifically a Book About Dads. Two of his favorites are Peck Peck Peck by Lucy Cousins, which is about a dad woodpecker teacher a little woodpecker to peck, and another one about a baby penguin that ends with “there you are! Having a cuddle with your dad!” By contrast, we love the Jane Cabrera song books, but if there’s a parent at all, it’s ALWAYS the mom.

    1. Coffee*

      “I love you to the moon and back” – there is no gender specified in that book and my toddler decided that it was a daddy and a baby bear just like him and daddy

      there is a daddy bunny in guess how much I love you

      we’re going on a bear hunt has a daddy leading the hike

      and there’s at least two more that’s on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t think of them right now…

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I can’t remember the title, but there’s one about a duckling who’s very domestic and doesn’t want to grow up to lead the flock south? He gets left behind by accident and makes a wonderful home for himself, and when the flock comes back his dad is really proud of him. I am racking my brains for the name…

    2. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      The Alfie Atkins books!
      It’s a Swedish book series (Alfons Åberg being Alfie’s name originally) and Alfie lives with his father, so most parent-child interactions are father-son ones. And the father is a friendly, positive person who as the main caretaker does all the things that are still presented as typically female/motherly – household chores, playing with Alfie, comforting him, etc.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        Should have written down my actual thought there:
        Alfie’s father does all the things that IN OTHER BOOKS/media are still presented as being typically female/motherly. Alfie’s father just Does them and there’s no indication of that being unusual or wrong or untypical.

      2. allathian*

        Indeed. The first one was published in 1972 so they were definitely a part of my childhood as well.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Maurice Sendak’s *Pierre* has an involved mom and dad, though the mom is a bit more stereotyped as the main caregiver.

    5. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Slightly older, Henry the Sailor Cat (Mary Calhoun). A cat stows away on the boat with his boy and man, and saves the day when a storm comes up. (My husband sails, so this was a favorite.) It appears there is a sequel called Hot Air Henry in which Henry stows away on a hot air balloon, though this time leaving dad behind after he foolishly refused to hot air balloon with a cat, which is unfair.

      I asked my husband if he could think of any others, and Good Dog Carl (Alexandra Day) is definitely a dad figure, and male dog, but not a dad.

      1. 2e asteroid*

        The actual dad in the Carl books is ridiculously absent, though! We got through four or five of them before our theory that the mom was a single parent got contradicted.

    6. Our House*

      it’s not a board book – it’s a picture book – but The Thing About Bees by Shabazz Larkin is lovely and Dad focused. Appropriate for toddlers, just less durable than a board book.

    7. Pam Adams*

      My sister- who teaches pre-school- suggests Eric Carle- Mr. Seahorse, Mercer Mayer- something like me and my dad, and another- what daddies can do.

        1. LBD*

          Yes, Mayer’s Little Critter series has Dad present in some of them. ‘Just Go To Bed’ has Dad as lead parent and Mom as back up. They come in board versions as well as regular, I think.
          Some of the Spot books by Eric Hill have Dad/Sam present in some. One that I can think of off-hand is Spot Goes to the Beach/Spot Goes on Holiday depending on what country it is published in.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      It might be a little “special episode” but Eric Carle’s Mister Seahorse is about various ocean dads. It’s a fun board book because there are transparent pages of seaweed/scenery that are turned to reveal each new creature.

      Not a board book but Harriet Gets Carried Away by Jessie Sima.

    10. Fellow Traveller*

      It’s not a board book, but Rafa Counts on Papa by Joe Cepeda is charming. It’s about a little boy who loves counting and tries to count his father’s love.

    11. Two cents*

      I love We Are Going on A Bear Hunt, but that’s already been mentioned.

      The Daddy Book by Todd Parr.

      For later, potentially the Annie and Snowball series by Cynthia Rylant, featuring Annie and her single father. (It is a spinoff of the excellent Henry and Mudge series and exists in the same universe.)

      Bea and Mr. Jones is a picture book, author slipping my mind at the moment.

      If I recall correctly, the gender is not specified in You And Me Little Bear by Martin Waddell.

      And the father and mother are accorded the same level, namely loving little gorilla, in the fantastic book Little Gorilla by Ruth Bornstein.

      I’ll think on this and hopefully write more. But it is sad that the question is so hard to answer! There are too few, obviously.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Bea and Mr. Jones is one of my favorite books! written and illustrated by Amy Schwartz. Also by her A teeny tiny baby that features both mom and dad

    12. AHN*

      Also not a board book, but Interrupting Chicken by David Ezra Stein is sweet and funny and was a favorite of our son’s (and ours).

    13. Not A Manager*

      IIRC, The Little Fur Family has both parents equally present, and also the grandfather makes a cameo. It’s a weird and charming book.

    14. Imtheone*

      I don’t know if they have board books of this series, but the Ernest and Celestine books are about Ernest, a big, fatherly bear, and Celestine, a cute little girl mouse. All of the adults in the series are bears, and all of the children are mice.

    16. 2e asteroid*

      Pete’s a Pizza (William Steig) as well as its spiritual successor A Pizza With Everything On It (Kyle Scheele).

      I don’t know if Knuffle Bunny (Mo Willems) can be a board book, but it’s definitely dad- and toddler-focused.

    17. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      All of the Bluey books have dad Bandit in them, as he works from home (mum Chilli has a part-time job at the airport).

    18. LBD*

      Books to think about for a slightly older age include ‘Bread and Jam for Francis’ by Russell Hoban, and the classic ‘One Morning in Maine’ by Robert McCloskey.

    19. Shiara*

      Busy Fingers is a board book that is fun to read out loud to toddlers and includes both a mother and father as part of the bedtime routine.

      Not sure if it’s available as a board book, but “more more more said the baby” by Vera Williams is delightful, and includes 3 stories with dad, mom and grandma.

      Knuffle Bunny series by Mo Willems has been mentioned and is excellent.

      Slightly older than board books, Shirley Hughes is a wonderful author with lots of books that feature both parents. Alfie’s Feet is a very fun one.

    20. Little Miss Helpful*

      Ten Minutes til Bedtime, by Peggy Rathman, is hilarious!
      David’s Father, by Robert Munsch
      Angela’s Airplane, also by Munsch

  33. Bubbles*

    Got my first traffic ticket this week for having an expired registration. I’ve never been pulled over, nor had my registration expire in the 25 years and for the 4 cars I’ve owned where I live. I never got the reminder letter it was expiring and was in the middle of retiring from my job when it expired. I was told by the officer to plead not guilty. I immediately got my registration squared away the same day as the ticket was issued. Once the ticket is available, I am going to plead not guilty and provide proof of registration and hopefully the ticket will be thrown out, wish me luck!

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Good luck! Don’t beat yourself up too much — these things happen sometimes.

    3. Texan in Exile*

      (For what it’s worth, in Wisconsin, you can use that reminder letter as proof of residence to register to vote.)

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        Lol, that is definitely making lemonade out of lemons! : )

    4. Forrest Rhodes*

      The only such citation I ever received was more of a “fix-it ticket”: I was given time (I think it was two weeks?) to renew the registration and send the court proof that I’d done it, and there was no fine. Hoping your situation is handled that easily too.

    5. Fellow Traveller*

      I will say, I contested a ticket once and had to go to court. I got the charges dismissed, but the court fees were almost as much as the ticket. I think it saved me $5 total.

  34. Selling house remotely - any tips?*

    My MIL recently passed, and I will be selling her house and car this summer. Any words of wisdom about trying to do this while not living there? It’s about a 6 1/2 hour drive from where I live. I will be able to go there periodically over the next few months but only for 4-5 days at a time. I’ve never sold a house or car, so this is all new to me. Any advice is welcome!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I haven’t ever sold a house either, but if “easy” is more important than “the best possible deal,” you could try Carvana (if they’re available in the area) for the car – as long as the person who’s name is on the title is there at the pickup, they’ll give you a quote online, send someone with a car carrier to look it over, sign the paperwork and carry it away, and leave behind a certified check for the total. When I did this, the quote was quite reasonable and the process was dirt easy, took like ten minutes. But I just wanted to get the car sold, not take a bunch of time with vetting buyers, negotiating prices, etc. I got the quote, went “Good enough,” and rolled with it. I think Carmax might operate the same way? Not sure though.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        There are also charitable organizations that take used cars; you might need an assessment for the paperwork but can claim it as a tax decuction.

      2. Selling house remotely - any tips?*

        Oh, I hadn’t thought of using Carvana or Carnac, thank you! I just want to sell it, not concerned with getting the best possible price for it.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’ve both sold cars to Carvana for cash and traded in as part of a purchase, and been very satisfied both ways.

    2. WellRed*

      Do you need to clear out the house? Be ruthless about it. Cars are easy to sell, either in a private sale or something like CarMax, assuming it’s not an old clunker. If it is an old clunker, donate it for the tax write off or sell it to a junk car buyer. For all of these, you need the car title.

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        I used Carmax to sell a 12 yr old barely running car. It was easy and I was happy with the amount I received.

      2. Selling house remotely - any tips?*

        Yes, we have to clean the house out. We’re renting a dumpster (possibly multiple dumpsters). My husband has identified what he wants to keep, so we can be pretty ruthless with the rest. Getting the car title is one of the things on my long to-do list.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Or, if you don’t really need to sell the car but just want to get rid of it, you can just donate it to charity. Many charities can come and pick it up from you and just generally make the process pretty easy.

    4. Texan in Exile*

      It might be worth it to have an estate sale with an estate sale person. A friend has a business like this – he will organize and run the sale and leave the house “broom clean.”

      The catch is you will probably not make any money on the sale of the items – but you also will not have to run your own garage sale or figure out what to do with the stuff that doesn’t sell.

      (When my husband had to clean out and sell his parents’ house, he did it all himself and it took months and it was a royal pain in the neck and we didn’t even benefit personally because his parents had disinherited him – but made him executor. Plus the garage sale made almost no money because his parents didn’t have anything worth any money. Indeed, Mr T was worried he would have to pay someone to take the books away.)

    5. Indolent Libertine*

      For the house, you need a realtor local to the area where the house is who knows the specifics of that market. Have the legalities already been taken care of? by which I mean you have legal authority to take these actions on behalf of the estate? If you’re not sure of that, then you also may need a local lawyer.

      1. Texan in Exile*

        Yes! And don’t sign with a realtor who is new to the business to give him a chance! Go with the oldest, most-experienced realtor you can find.

        1. Clisby*

          Absolutely. And talk to the realtor about the pros/cons of an as-is sale. Yes, you might get somewhat less for the house, but you won’t have to pay/wrangle home improvements a buyer wants.

    6. Generic Name*

      Dumb question maybe, but you say it’s your mother in law, meaning your spouse’s mother (?), but you use the singular “I” in terms of doing tasks to settle the estate. Are you legally empowered to do these things (are you the named executor or personal representative)? Or are you more assisting/supporting your spouse? If you aren’t legally empowered, there are certain things that *you* can’t do (like sign a closing on the house sale), but you can certainly provide material and emotional support to your spouse. Meaning, you could do all the leg work to sell MIL’s car, but the legal executor will have to complete the transaction.

      The biggest question at this point, is who has the deed on the house? Is it owned outright, or is there a mortgage/reverse mortgage that puts a time constraint on selling the house. When my granny died, she owned her house outright, so my mom and aunt did not hurry to clear out and sell the house. They both lived locally and the estate paid the utilities and yard man. Much less stressful than having to clear out a house in 30 days in 5 day intervals.

      There have been a couple of threads here recently about clearing out elder relatives houses, so you might search past weekend threads. Lots of good advice in there. Hang in there. It can be hard to be the partner of someone who is grieving.

    7. ronda*

      And from an income tax perspective…
      Get an appraisal of the house as close to date of death as possible. realtor should be able to give you info on appraisers.

      The person who inherits the house gets a step up in basis. So when they sell the house they will have a capital gain on their income taxes …… Sale Price – Selling cost- value at the date inherited(date of death not when the estate is settled).
      It is the same for financial investments, but you can easily look up the price of any stocks or funds as of the date of inheritance.
      Any other valuable items should probably be appraised too. —- but I believe most people dont have lots of valuable stuff.

      If the transactions are done as part of the estate instead of inheriting the investment, then selling, there may be estate taxes. you need the lawyer and tax person in that state to advise you of requirements and which way will minimize your taxes.

      Is there anyone local you trust to help? I was nervous about my house being empty for a couple of months to get ready to sell even though I only was living 30 minutes away. (nothing went wrong, tho) If you have someone who could be there temporarily and mow the lawn and such, it might be worth trying.

      1. Cathy Lynn*

        We had to do this with my mother-in-law’s house, too. Renting a dumpster was a must. We had to go through everything. There was money in old purses, in a junk drawer and the pockets of clothing. Books had letters, cards and bills in them. We talked to estate sale people, auction people and ultimately went with a “we’ll buy your house no matter the condition” guy. He bought the house and the contents. It was a relief. My husband was still working and could not keep driving 6 hours to clear the house or spend time trying to fix up a house that hadn’t been cared for.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Tell me more about this “we will buy your house no matter the condition.” Does this apply if there’s a mortgage that hasn’t been fully paid off?

          1. Emma*

            Yes! We sold a grandparent’s house within the past few years that still had a mortgage, and one of the offers was by someone who waived inspection. I think they may have been paying in cash? But it can be a thing, if someone really wants a house.

          2. Venus*

            There are companies that do this where you don’t involve a realtor, but also some homes for sale around here have a simple “being sold as-is” in the description. A regular realtor could do this for you.

  35. Inky Fingers*

    What’s your biggest recent movie or book disappointment?

    So excited that Wicked came to streaming. Had heard such greaaat! things about it. But…why?

    A bit more than halfway through I turned it off, as that was already more than an hour of my life I’d never get back.

    My take: Legally Blonde meets Hogwarts Lite. Bah.

    (And since when is Glinda pronounced GUH-linda??? Ugh)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Welp. In the book “Wicked” by Gregory Maguire, and then presumably also in the shows made from it, the character’s name is Galinda, so. (I believe she changes it in the later part of the story, after they get away from the school and closer to the events of Wizard of Oz.)

    2. Indolent Libertine*

      RRtAF is correct, the change from GUH-linda to Glinda is a plot point in the book.

      We watched the whole thing, and I was mostly very disappointed. The stage musical encompasses the whole book, but this bloated, nearly 3-hour-long movie turns out to be just Part One! Grateful to have discovered Cynthia Erivo, though.

      1. Clisby*

        I have not read the book. I really liked the Broadway musical, but didn’t even consider the movie when I found out the whole thing would be twice as long as the musical.

      2. Teacher Lady*

        I agree that I’m not sure how they’re doubling the length of the stage musical, but I don’t care because I LOVED it. I appreciated how faithful the film is to the music. To each their own!

    3. Rara Avis*

      We saw it in the theater. Loved the singing, the costuming, the dancing. I didn’t know it was only part 1 when I went, but I’m
      Looking forward to the second half.

    4. Generic Name*

      I saw it and thought it was reasonably entertaining, but I’m not a huge musical person. I mean, I appreciate a lot of them, but I’m not crazy about theater or anything. One thing that really confused me was I didn’t think any of the songs were all that good/catchy/singable. I grew up listening to (and badly singing along with) Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera, so I get the joy of singing at the top of your lungs to a big musical piece. But the songs in wicked? Not so much.

      1. Patty Mayonnaise*

        Wow if you can watch Wicked and not have at least one song stuck in your head for two weeks, you are… lucky, lol!

    5. RussianInTexas*

      Barbie. It was… fine?
      Both Thursday Murder Club and The House in the Cerulean Sea books that I read based on the comments here. Both were very boring.

      1. Annie*

        I am glad I am not the only one not enthused about Barbie! Though I will admit I was sick when I watched it and skipped the real world arc completely because I just couldn’t stomach watching those scenes. As someone else said I already knew more about feminism just from reading tumblr screen grabs on Pinterest.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I honestly still haven’t watched Barbie because I was just so over all the hype about it, I was kind of burned out on the idea before it even came out, and now I mostly just don’t care.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I felt that way too, but then I finally saw it and I liked it way more than I thought I would. It was kinda adorable.

          Kate McKinnon as Weird Barbie killed me. I love her.

      3. Dark Macadamia*

        I loved Barbie when I first saw it and it’s just adequate on the rewatch. I really hate the “empowering feminist rant” scene because yeah, it’s like Feminism 101 for someone who has never applied critical thinking to any human experience lol. But the satire aspect is funny and they just did such a good job with the little Barbie details. It’s a joy to watch something everyone clearly loved making and unlike the Wicked press tour, which was exhausting, I loved seeing all the red carpet looks inspired by specific dolls.

        Agree on House in the Cerulean Sea, it gets so hyped here but I didn’t care for it.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      The Galinda thing is a plot point but I guess you either didn’t get to it or they saved it for the second movie (it is SO stupid that they made 2 movies lol). I have no interest in the movie version but I just saw the Broadway show recently and was a little let down. I’ve seen it so hyped up in pop culture for decades now and it was… fine? I knew some of the songs and a general idea of the premise and it was a good show but not THAT good.

      I hated Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. As someone mentioned in the reading thread it felt like fanfic, and I kept expecting it to head in a more interesting direction but it never did.

      1. Roland*

        She changes her name to Glinda in the first movie, Inky just didn’t finish the movie.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      The Blanket Cats; it’s a nice book, but somewhat disjointed, and the cats seem to be an afterthought to most of the stories, which makes you look at the title and go “But…” a lot. I don’t know how much of this is the translation/marketing in the US, though.

    9. CTT*

      Read “The Paris Express” by Emma Donoghue after reading good reviews and having really liked “The Wonder” and OOF. There are so many characters you can’t really invest in anyone and it feels like it was written for a 9th grade history class to teach pre-WWI political and social topics (although maybe that’s an insult to 9th graders?). It did make me want to reread Rebecca West’s “Birds Fall Down,” which also features political conversations on a French train, so I suppose it has that going for it.

    10. Six Feldspar*

      Read Birnam Wood by Eleanor Catton and enjoyed the tension ratcheting up, until it seemed like the author got bored of the tension at 75% and just jumped to the final scene?? To go from “oh something is DEFINITELY going to happen” to have the whole book over in about a page and a half was so disappointing. I liked her previous book The Luminaries and the premise of this one, but she did NOT stack the landing…

    11. LBD*

      I know I was late coming to this one, but, George Martin’s Song of Fire and Ice series. I really got into them, spent time looking for the next ones in thrift stores, got about a third of the way through the fifth and last book, realised that there was no way that any of the character’s story arcs were wrapping up in the number of pages left, and … just dropped the whole thing. I completely lost all interest. I realised that the books had come out at increasing intervals, that the last one had come out quite a while ago, Martin is getting up there, and the odds of any of it ending was pretty slim. It would have been nice to know how it ended up for some of the characters, but it isn’t happening, so I’m done with it.
      I know I could watch the tv series, but I don’t even have enough interest to invest the time in that.

  36. ecnaseener*

    What’s on your nice-to-have list for apartment-hunting? I don’t want to get bogged down cataloguing every little thing, but I also don’t want to forget to check for something on the tour and kick myself over it later. So far I’ve got:

    * Kitchen: counters (both amount and material), dishwasher, stove/oven setup

    * Bedroom: gets sunlight in the morning

    * Bathroom: bathtub, storage

    * Other: AC, laundry, common areas

    1. Texan in Exile*

      If I had to look for an apartment, I would want to know

      * Is there parking?
      * How noisy are the neighbors? Do the people upstairs do laundry every single day at 8:00 a.m. and again at 4:30 p.m., thus creating rattling and spinning sounds that annoy the heck out of me? Can I hear the conversations of my next-door neighbors? Does anyone have a dog that won’t shut up?
      * Is heat included in the rent?
      * Can I open the windows or are they painted shut?
      * Does someone keep the common area clean or is there junk mail scattered on the floor?
      * Can I smell what everyone else is cooking?
      * Can I smell it if someone is smoking next door?
      * Does someone actually shovel the sidewalk in the winter or do I need a team of dogs to get out?

      1. Busy Middle Manager*

        Noise is a huge one and a huge problem when it comes to WFH. You have to check out the place at various times. I have one neighbor who uses an electric car wash machine you can hear across the entire block, every day, some weeks. One dude is constantly drilling/sawing stuff. Other ones park outside blasting horrible music anytime it’s sunny.

        The worst are the new alarms that say “can I help you” or buzz anytime someone comes anywhere near their house. Some go off every couple of minutes!

        Also need to walk or drive around and listen for car horns/people idling blasting music at weird hours/if e bikes that sound like weed-wackers are over-represented on your street

        What’s it like at Christmas? Some streets near me pimp out with holiday decorations. You might hear a skeleton cackle 1000X in October, or hear Jingle bells 12000 times in December from a random decoration outside

        People from quiet areas probably think I sound like an old grump, but some places legitimately have intolerable amounts of background noises

        You need to scope out the joint for all of this

        1. Isabel Archer*

          Seconding this, as someone who once lived below the captain of the Olympic vacuuming team

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Is the building near a bar? Seriously–hearing the thousands of empty bottles and cans being dumped out in the recycling at 2 am night after night is very much A Thing.

        1. Chaordic One*

          This is true. There were some instances of people urinating and defecating alongside and near my apartment building. Some of my neighbor did blame “the homeless,” but I really think it was bar goers. Also, one night one of my neighbors left her car unlocked and in the morning when she went out to go to work she found a man sleeping off a hangover in the back seat.

    2. DistantAudacity*

      Storage!

      Make a mental plan to see how you will fit in linens, vacuum cleaner, power tools, the other cleaning supplies, winter boots, etc, whatever is relevant for you.

      Lighting – how is the lighting in various rooms? Good work lights in the kitchen, is the hallway dank and gloomy?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Is there extra storage available in building? Not necessary per se, but makes life a lot easier in terms of holiday decorations and such.

    3. Quitting Timely*

      This depends partly on the region, but one thing I’ve learned to look for is: how many outlets are there in each room, and where are they? It’s a small thing that can have a big impact!

    4. Lurker*

      Are there outlets in the bathroom? I didn’t think about this until that time I moved into an apartment only to discover it didn’t have any in the bathroom. I always dry/straighten my hair in the bathroom so this was very annoying.

    5. AnonymousOctopus*

      Oven with a window in the door so I can check on my food.

      Good weather stripping on exterior doors to save money on heating/cooling.

      Accessible outlets in all rooms. I moved into a place without thinking to check, only to find that the single bathroom electrical outlet was in the above-mirror light. It couldn’t accommodate my hair dryer plug so I’d have to dry my hair in my bedroom. The property management did eventually install a second one in a reasonable location but I was kicking myself for not noticing.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Double pane windows and NO aluminum frames. Single panes and cheap framing will cost you a fortune in heating bills, and they leak.

    6. talos*

      Maintenance is responsive

      Heat/AC/hot water are controlled per unit, not per building

      Has enough storage space in closets (and closets are not floor-to-ceiling shelves, so I can put a vacuum and broom in one)

    7. Cordelia*

      if you’re looking at small apartments – storage! Where will you keep your suitcases, your vacuum, your ironing board, your camping gear etc etc?
      If you have particular pieces of furniture you are taking with you, will they fit? They might fit in terms of floor area, but are the windows and radiators in places where you would have expected to put your tall bookshelves, for example?
      Is there a window in the bathroom, and does it open?

    9. Generic Name*

      Laundry would be a big one for me. Also, do the street lights shine into your bedroom window?

    10. RussianInTexas*

      When I lived in apartments, in-unit washer and dryer were a must. Decent closet size. On site maintenance, gated complex with the actually working gates, leasing office that actually deals with the bad noise makers and people who don’t respect the assigned parking.
      Does the complex force you into a specific Internet provider? Also, electricity – is it per unit or the building?
      Does the place looks clean and neat overall, meaning trash bins are not overflowing, common areas look maintained.

    11. Aphrodite*

      fIt’s not a list but a suggestion: when you have narrowed your list to three or four places, visit them at various times on different days to see and hear how they really are. Saturday night, Sunday morning, Monday mornings, Wednesdays evenings, a holiday if there is one coming up. Seeing any place only once can’t give you a feel for it. But use the other excellent suggestions here too.

    13. Alex*

      I’m probably the most type A apartment hunter any real estate agent has had the misfortune of encountering. I show up to see an apartment with a tape measure in hand, and write down the dimensions of each room. Also important for me:
      Closet space, both in and out of the apartment
      Parking situation
      How many stairs I need to climb to reach the apartment
      Heating system/thermostat. I MUST be able to control the temp.
      Bike storage
      Overall layout

      Oh, also I both flush the toilet and turn on the shower and sinks to check the pressure.

      1. LBD*

        I helped my mom screen tenants a couple of times, for the rental suite in her house. Once, a prospective tenant spent a lot of time checking out the shared laundry room. She asked me if I thought it was a red flag for someone who might be picky and demanding. I said it was more likely someone who was careful about choices and thought things through really well before committing to a decision. 10 years later, it is safe to say that I called it on that one, and he has been an excellent tenant and neighbour. In turn, his rent hasn’t been raised very much over the years, and I think everyone would be sad if he leaves.

    14. ronda*

      not really about the apartment, but the management

      the latest apartment I am getting into has many really bad practices (I think they must be getting some kind of kick backs)

      1. had to do some stupid pet management website even tho I dont have a pet.
      2. they signed me up for some credit improvement website that I had to cancel or be charged.
      3. they charge the water utilities with the rent but they won’t post them to the account until the day they are due, so you can’t pay early. and now the leasing manager is saying they won’t accept your rent payment until it has the utility amount included.
      4. the USPS did not have the addresses in their system (wrong apartment numbers) so no residents could put in a forwarding mail order. They did nothing about it. It took a couple of months but I tracked down the right people to fix it and finally got it fixed. They are just useless!
      5. The rent payment website makes you log into your bank website to set-up direct draft. I have set-up many direct draft items over my life time and have never needed to log into my bank account. I did go set up a new bank account to be used for only paying rent, but not sure if I am going to sign up for it.

      But I have had a pleasant experience with getting the little maintenance things fixed. They do a fine job with that.

      Very scammy business practices. I am going to have to see if I can find an apartment that doesn’t use this owner/ management company when my lease is up.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Some of the scammy business processes that I’ve run into include:
        1. Nonrefundable application fees. A fee to run a credit and background check is to be expected and most run around $25.00 to $50.00 but I found one place that charged $350.00 and another that charged $250.00.
        2. Nonrefundable move-in fees.
        3. A mandatory convenience fee of $50.00 per month. Among other things it supposedly covers being able to make rent payments online and then things that should be included in the rent, such as amenities that included a swimming pool, dog park, sports court, and access to a meeting room with a kitchen.
        4. An extra mandatory fee for Liability to Landlord insurance.
        5. No drop box to leave a rent check in. You have to make the payment by mail (using our questionable postal service); in person during normal business hours (impossible for anyone with a job); online by credit card (and be charged 2.99% of the total transaction); online by debit card (and be charged $9.99 per transaction); or by direct payment by bank account (eCheck) (and be charged $2.49 per transaction).

    15. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Kitchen drawers. When we were looking for an apartment, we counted the cupboards, but didn’t realize until we were moving in that there are only two drawers.

      With regard to stoves: check that the stovetop is flat, because a tilted stove gives you tilted frying pans, and that makes a lot of things harder to get right, including omelets; I have given in and mostly make scrambled eggs instead.

    16. Basements matter*

      Look at the basement (if the building has one) and the exterior. Are they in decent shape? If not, that’s a big red flag. (My worst apartment was okay in the unit itself, but if I’d seen the basement I would have known that the owner did basically no maintenance. The holes in the foundation meant there were soon lots of pests to deal with, too…)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        If there are baseboard heating registers, CHECK FOR HOLES UNDERNEATH THEM. This is how I got mice; I did not even know there were holes until Mickey and Minnie were diving into my taco chips. Look in corners and in closets for holes as well.

        (Tbf, I did have to rent my place from 1,200 miles away. So I couldn’t actually check it until I got here. But if I had thought of that, I would have blocked them sooner, before the pesthole downstairs was cleared out, and they wouldn’t have infiltrated in the first place.)

    17. David*

      My main thing when evaluating apartments (aside from what’s already been mentioned in other replies) is to check how strong the toilet flush is, and consider what that means for how often you might have to deal with a blocked-up toilet. Up to you how much you care about that, of course.

      Another thing that bugs me about my current apartment but which I didn’t consider before moving in is that most of the light switches are far away from the lights they control – like, across the room. So that’s another thing you could look out for, and decide how much you care about it.

    18. The Automotive Expert*

      If you have a car, check out the parking situation. In order of preference:
      * A Garage (I know I’m picky about my car but it seems to me that people who live in apartments rarely have nice cars. They are always covered with door dings from inconsiderate neighbors.)
      * Covered Parking (So you don’t have to spend 5 minutes scraping frost or brushing snow off of your car on cold days.)
      * Assigned Parking, ideally close to your apartment (So you have to lug heavy bags of groceries across a half block of parking lot.)

    21. Flower*

      Public transportation nearby.
      Top floor — no one walking/running overhead.
      Not on a street with heavy traffic.
      Kitties allowed!!!!!
      Shower has good water pressure, as others have said. I once didn’t check this — turned out the shower was basically a trickle.
      Do all the nearby houses/ apartments have bars on the windows and doors?
      I would also check the record of crimes in the neighborhood, as well as the local sex offender registry. YMMV.

      1. Flower*

        p.s. If you can manage to run into other tenants or people in the neighborhood and ask questions, that’s always a good way to find out stuff. Also, is there laundry in the building? And a dishwasher in the unit? And if there’s an elevator, try to find out how often it is broken. :-) Lastly, if you live in a city with rent control/stabilization, try to find out (from the housing dept, not the landlord) whether the apartment falls under one of those schemes. Good luck!

    22. Don't Feed the Geese*

      When our daughter got her first apartment, in a city far, far, away, we called the local police department and asked about safety issues with various places.

    23. Flower*

      Oh my gosh! I forgot the number one thing. Don’t rent in a building that is still under construction or where there are other buildings under construction nearby if you can help it. During the building boom in my city, people rented in the new fancy towers only to find the ones going up nearby made it a nightmare. Construction from 7 am til 9 pm and later (they had strong lights to work by), constant noise, couldn’t open the windows for dust, etc. This went on for years.

    24. cephamarie*

      Bring a plug-in nightlight. Check all the outlets with it.

      Coming from the great white north – which is actively turning into the great muddy north, before becoming the great dusty north (followed by the great ” dry leaves over animal leavings” north): where do you put your shoes? is the area easily cleanable? Is there room for a bench? an umbrella stand? dripping coats and wet mittens?

      Also – no carpet in the dining area. Seriously, stop putting white/cream/beige carpet where people eat tomato sauce. It makes no sense.

  37. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Thank you to everyone who gave me suggestions about a new printer! I got an epson ecotank 2800 and got it set up yesterday, I like it so far and I’m very glad it was so easy to get it on the wifi (that was the worst thing about my previous printer). Your advice was super helpful!

  38. Fructose*

    One of my health-type insurance policies is now offering free and unlimited access to doctors via telehealth. It’s a relatively new concept in the country I live in so I’m eager to hear any good/bad experiences of accessing doctors this way? I do have an in-person PCP but trying to get an appointment these days is near impossible and this telehealth benefit sounds like it might bridge a gap. But then any issue I can think of where I’d like a doctor’s input feels like one where they’d probably need to see me in person!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve had generally positive experiences with virtual visits – basically, if I already know what’s wrong and just need a prescription or something, is where it’s useful. At one point I had a cracked tooth that got infected while my dentist (single-doc practice) was out of town for a week for his kid’s wedding or something, so I was set up to have it addressed when he got back, but the teledoc ordered me some antibiotics so I could get going on those quickly rather than letting the infection sit for a week. Another time, I had strep throat like four times in one year, so when it popped up AGAIN, I did a teledoc visit so I could keep my germs to myself and they could call in the prescription for me. It’s not great for like, NEW issues where they might need to do a physical examination or lab testing before they can figure out how to address it, but if it’s a situation where everyone pretty much knows what the general outcome is going to be and you just need a provider to sign off on something, it’s useful.

    2. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I like virtual as well for things like minor respiratory stuff and such (basically anything that doesn’t require a lab test to diagnose). I used last fall after being stung by a wasp and developing cellulitis. All I had to do was upload pictures ahead of the virtual appointment and she got me everything I needed to treat it.

    3. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Seconding Red Reader on “if you know what’s wrong.” When I was treating pre-cancerous spots on my forehead, they did telehealth for checking “Yup, looks like the cream has aggravated the cancer the correct amount, so now you can stop applying it.”

    4. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I use it for therapy, and it’s perfect for that. there’s no need for me to be in person.

    5. StrayMom*

      I definitely think they are worthwhile; I see my therapist virtually, and I once had a medical issue become increasingly uncomfortable on a Saturday morning. I called a telehealth professional, described my symptoms, and they recommended that I go to an emergency room. I was admitted, and ended up having to stay in hospital for treatment for five days. I would never have dreamed it was that serious, and certainly wouldn’t have thought to go an emergency room on my own.

    6. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I like telehealth for appointments when I’m mostly telling the doctor what’s going on, or when we’re mostly checking a box so they can legitimately prescribe something I’ve been taking for years.

      I’m also using telehealth for some things that might be a little better in person, because on bad days I don’t want to walk more than absolutely necessary. My doctor’s office has gotten pretty good at handling this, including letting me change an in-person appointment to telemedicine if necessary.

      I’m mostly seeing the same doctors in person and by telemedicine. In your shoes, I think a lot would depend on how well the different doctors communicated.

    7. CTT*

      The times I’ve used telehealth it’s been really helpful! Two instances spring to mind. The obvious one was when I needed a Paxlovid prescription; I sent a picture of my positive test before COVID, talked through my symptoms with the doctor, and got the prescription without having to leave bed. Another time, I burned my arm on my oven and it was a Saturday and it was looking gross; again, sent in a picture beforehand and was able to get recommendations for treatment that day.

    8. KeinName*

      I used it only once when it came free with the automobile association, for an accident on a trip. In my country it’s not yet common. The automobile association must have lots of random private practice doctors who answer these 24/7 video calls to make some extra cash. That particular guy was a dermatologist and didn’t even offer to look at my injured foot, just looked up the international phone line for medical emergencies so I could find a hospital in the country I was in.
      I forced him to look at my foot and he said it’s swollen. Which, yes.
      So I took myself to the A&E.

    9. AJB*

      I absolutely LOVE that feature of my insurance plan. I typically know what’s wrong with me. I’m prone to sinus infections and I also teach preschool so sometimes I get fun stuff like pink eye. I’ve never had to wait more than 30 minutes to see a provider once I started the process of logging in, typing in symptoms, etc. I’ve been able to get the meds I need within a few hours at my local pharmacy. I’ve also used it when my kids both got pink eye. For little stuff, it’s been a huge timesaver. I’m 30ish minutes away from my PCP and the kids’ pediatrician.

    10. allathian*

      The first time I used telehealth was in 2022 when I had my first Covid infection. I had official confirmation and my employer required an official diagnosis so that they could apply for sick leave compensation for the prevention of a dangerous disease from the health authorities. They sent the doctors’s note to me and I forwarded it to HR via encrypted email. (A year later when I had my second infection my employer didn’t ask for a doctor’s note for the first 5 days because they were no longer eligible for compensation.)

      Since then I’ve used it once to update a a prescription.

    11. LBD*

      I’ve used it for prescription refills, and my doctor calls me with test results and recommendations (liver numbers are up a bit but still within normal; eat more fruit and veg and exercise at least half an hour five times a week). It is great because the main part of my job is out of town and I am sometimes only in town on my days off. And even if I am in town, it only takes a few minutes and I don’t need to sit in the waiting room and then sit in the examining room and then finally talk to the doctor. And I haven’t had a problem getting a timely appointment in person when I needed one.
      Downsides are that my doctor is a bit soft spoken and I sometimes have to ask him to speak up, and that I might get called earlier than scheduled. If I am somewhere that I can take the call it’s fine but if there are other people around or I am in the middle of things I may have to ask for a later call.
      General upside is that it makes the doctor’s use of time more efficient which is good for patient care in general. Overall I am happy with it.

    12. UKDancer*

      I get it with private medical insurance. I’ve used it once for psoriasis and it works quite well if you know what’s wrong with you and it’s something with a simple treatment. I mean I prefer the NHS but getting routine appointments can be challenging so it’s useful to be able to go somewhere quickly. I got a next day appointment, the chap was very pleasant, looked at my hands on the screen and prescribed a cream which I could get from the chemist the next day. My next NHS GP routine appointment was in a fortnight’s time.

      Obviously from a UK perspective the main issue is that if you need anything doing as a result then it tends to cost money. Which the NHS does not.

    13. Nightengale*

      As both a doctor and a patient – telehealth is really useful for some things and terrible for others.

      The big question is if a physical exam would change treatment (for example, seeing an ear infection, hearing lungs, measuring blood pressure) Or if they are going to order tests, you would have to make a trip for those tests anyway.

    14. Elizabeth West*

      Obviously, it isn’t practical for stuff like blood draws or if my doctor has to look at something on my actual body. But for discussing results, like with my knee MRI in 2023 and surgical planning, it was perfect.

  39. L. Ron Jeremy*

    I’d like recommendations for cloth napkins to avoid the expensive paper ones I’ve been using. thanks

    1. Generic Name*

      Cost Plus World Market has fun patterns and decent solid cloth napkins. Crate and Barrel also has really nice ones, but they’re expensive.

    2. Victoria, Please*

      Second the recommendation for Cost Plus World Market.

      But lots of times you want a napkin that you can make a mess of and not worry about it because they were basically free. For those, are you sew-y at all? If so, a trip to the thrift store for large cotton or linen skirts or pants will get you all the napkins you will ever use! Cut into squares of your preferred size, then implement a simple rolled hem or even folded hem.

    3. Zona the Great*

      I’ve absolutely loved my Marley’s Monster’s UNpaper towels and haven’t had to replace yet.

    4. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I purchased 2 – set of 12 – cotton striped napkins from Amazon about 4 years ago.
      They are mainly red with orange/purple/green stripes. The pattern is woven so the ‘wrong’ side looks nice. They do not stain since the fabric is not light.
      I have been very happy with them.
      24 was a good amount for 3 adults to use daily.

      I can try to find the brand if you are interested.

    5. Healthcare Worker*

      My daily napkins comes from World Market – they hold up well and are reasonably priced.

    6. Buni*

      Can you sew? If so it’s SO much cheaper to buy a length of cloth you like and cut ‘n’ hem your own. If not fair enough, but it’s defo the best value option.

    8. Girasol*

      I know this is weird, but when one of the bed sheets developed bleach holes (mysteriously; I don’t use bleach) I washed it thoroughly and tore it into dozens of similar sized squares. I let the edges fray off rather than hem them all, and made an old ice cream bucket into a dispenser. I use those instead of paper napkins and paper towels, fold them under plant pots and small appliances to keep them from scratching the counter, and all sorts of other uses. I get more use out of that old sheet now than when it was a sheet.

    9. Teacher Lady*

      Mine are basic cloth napkins from Target, purchased about 6 years ago when we first hosted Thanksgiving. They’ve held up quite well!

    11. My Brain is Exploding*

      Specific for when we have BBQ, corn on the cob, etc. : cheap hand towels.

  40. Manders*

    I am truly terrible at styling my hair, and I also don’t really care that much. I mostly wear it in a ponytail. But this week I splurged and purchased a DryBar Single Shot blow dryer brush, and it is awesome! I even got compliments the next day after trying it out. It’s easy to use and not too hot. Highly recommend.

    1. allathian*

      I bought a silicone shampoo brush that works really well. My hair is wavy/curly and it goes frizzy if I brush it when it’s dry. But it’s also thick enough that I’ve broken two hairbrushes just by brushing my wet hair. It’s so soft and shiny now!

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      What does it do to your hair? Does your hair get damaged with heat?
      My hair totally sucks on a good day without a keratin treatment, so I’d love to find something that could get me that look without the chemicals and cost.

      1. Manders*

        It smooths my hair as it dries, and it adds volume, which I’m seriously lacking. I think if I can find the right volumizing product it’ll help even more.

  41. anxiousGrad*

    I’m not sure if this belongs in the work thread or not, but I’m looking for a small bag that would be appropriate to bring to a conference. I’m a grad student, 25-years-old and rather petite, so I want to avoid using a backpack since I feel like that makes me look younger. I have to carry a lot of medicine, snacks, and water with me everywhere I go because of a health condition, so I definitely need a bag of some kind. In casual settings I use a 6.5 L Herschel mini backpack, so something around that size or a little larger would be perfect.

    1. Zona the Great*

      This may sound funny but check out the leather bags by Igloo. They sell one at Costco for cheap. They are very very nice, act as a cooler if needed, and look very sharp while worn.

    2. Helvetica*

      My go-to durable fits-everything bag is the Longchamp Pliage, in size M. It’s a classic for a reason, it is not super expensive, the fabric can withstand being put on the anything and getting caught in the rain, and it is roomier than you think.

    4. Reba*

      I’m also a petite woman and it definitely can be hard to find backpacks that are small enough so it doesn’t read “school bag”. But they exist! You could try a dressy backpack or leather backpack style purse. If you are carrying that much stuff, I think a backpack or convertible backpack-tote is worth it vs. all the weight going on one shoulder.
      I used to have a Fossil backpack that I wore to death. Baggalini seems highly recommended. I’m seeing quite a few mininal, businessy fabric backpacks on Nordstrom in a cursory search.

    5. Just a name*

      I have a Baggallini Avenue Tote (Amazon). It hold a fair amount, has reasonable pockets, and has a sleeve that fits over rolling luggage handles, which is great for travel. I’d like a slightly bigger water bottle pocket, but that’s a small complaint.

    6. Llellayena*

      Maybe look at messenger bags or larger cross-body travel purses? I bought a nice leather messenger bag for work because I have the same petite, young-looking, woman problem and a backpack would scream “I know nothing”. I’ve since replaced it with an architecture themed fabric one, but same cross-body concept. The cross-body really helps for shoulder fatigue when you’re carrying it longer.

    7. Workerbee*

      FWIW, I used to go to tech conferences and backpacks were the carry-all of choice no matter what age you were.

    8. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      If you ride a bike (even if you don’t, honestly) check out Po Campo bags. Some of the fabrics might be in the “not serious enough” vein but they’re functional on and off the bike and have scads of interior organizing pockets.

      The Vernon Trunk Bag holds 15.7L, comes in black. You have to buy the separate strap, or maybe you already have one you can snap on.

      I’ve used these bags for over a decade and they’re fantastic. Made by a woman-owned company. I don’t get anything for promoting–I know the owner and love the bags because most bike bags suck for carrying lots of things you have to organize. They’re giant black holes inside, whereas hers are lined in bright fabrics so you can SEE THINGS. Best purse you’ll ever own even if you never bike.

  42. Suprisingly ADHD*

    Can anyone recommend an artist who takes commissions for doll customizations? My mom has wanted a Christmas Chronicles Santa for years but there’s no movie merchandise. A few people suggested I get the Kurt Russel action figure from The Thing and have it customized, but I don’t know anyone who does that kind of work and I have no idea what the price range for custom doll clothes would be.

    1. Zona the Great*

      Try hero builders dot com. YouTuber @amusingking has a custom action figure tutorial where he does what you’re talking about and teaches how. Maybe he has tips on the clothes too. He also has a website of the same name it appears. Maybe he does commissions.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Thanks, his channel looks interesting and seems to have a lot of videos on custom figures, I’ll check them out! I also see one on painting that looks interesting, I’ve been thinking about painting my DnD mini but I’ve been intimidated by the sheer amount of information out there…

    2. Chaordic One*

      Maybe check out Etsy and type in “Custom Action Figure” and “Custom Figurine.” There seem to be several companies that will make custom action figures. Most of the ones that I found make figures from photos of people you know, a family member, or of yourself but I’m sure they would make one of Kurt Russell as Santa if you wanted one. One that seemed like a possibility is one that is listed as KayClaySculptures.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Thanks, I had a feeling Etsy would be a good place to look but I’ve never used it to commission something before. Are the reviews on Etsy generally reliable? I know many sites have issues with review bots, and I’m not confident in my ability to spot them on Etsy like I can on sites I’m familiar with.

        1. Emma*

          I have found Etsy reviews reliable! I believe you can’t leave a review unless you’ve purchased a product. So people could cheat the system, but it would be harder.

  43. Hatchet*

    Recommendations for US Shipping companies?
    I have a few large pieces of antique furniture and several boxes that I need to move from the Great Lakes region (US) to the Southern US – home to home. The company I used for a similar shipment a decade ago is no longer open.
    Does anyone have good recommendations for companies you’ve used for something similar? I’d need the furniture to be wrapped/packed by the company at the home in the north, but simply delivered to the home in the south. (The reviews I’m seeing are all over the place.) Thanks!

    2. Filosofickle*

      MiniMoves has served me and my family well several times, one similar to your needs — antiques and boxes from grandma’s house in the great lakes delivered to multiple destinations.

      One thing I’ll note is that it’s all sub-contracted in each delivery city so what you get there can vary. In one move, the Chicago crew was very professional with matching uniforms then in San Francisco they looked more like a couple of random guys. But they really knew how to move furniture so no complaints there.

  44. Broken scones*

    Happy weekend, everyone! I found out I have a mild case of carpel tunnel and am trying to make some adjustments. Any wise tips from the AAM community? (I want to be clear I’m not seeking medical advice; it’s more like any practical tips like using hot pads/some recommended brands for wrist braces/literally any sort of tips or words of encouragement). Thank you in advance!

    2. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      If you have an iPad stand, use it for reading books as well- so you are not holding the weight of the book at all.

    3. LBD*

      I used to use support for my wrists at night, but it was annoying for reasons. I used to sleep with my arms crossed, my hands clenched and my wrists flexed, and that would trigger pain in my wrists. I decided to try to sleep with my wrists in a neutral position. I started by changing to the neutral position everytime I noticed my flexed wrists as I was falling asleep, and if I woke up. I was able to change my behaviour so that I didn’t need the support at night.
      I have since had surgery on my dominant hand, the more severe one, and it is nice to not deal with it at all on that wrist!
      Also staying well hydrated helped a bit, as dehydration would lead to swelling in my hands which would compress the nerves.

    4. Double A*

      Epsom salt soaks can really help! I’ve only had carpel tunnel when pregnant but this way very helpful.

    5. Manders*

      I had a consult with a hand and wrist surgeon on Friday for this! Two suggestions, especially if mild: wear a wrist brace at night (I get mine from Target, I think it’s 3M brand but can’t swear to it), and try not to sleep with your elbows very bent, because some carpal tunnel symptoms come from nerve irritation around the elbow. I’ve been using a wrist brace at night for ages and it’s worked very well for me, but I ramped up some repetitive motions at work lately and it’s just become too much for just the brace.

    6. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      My ex who had carpal tunnel had a book that was about strengthening one’s back muscles to relieve pressure on the nerves in one’s wrists: *Dr. Pascarelli’s Complete Guide to Repetitive Strain Injury: What You Need to Know About RSI and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome* by Emil Pascarelli. He said it helped.

  45. hummingbird*

    Anyone here familiar with wayfair’s pricing model?

    I was looking at a covered swing for the yard (3-Person Patio Swing with Adjustable Canopy) and initially they were on sale but when I was going to buy one the prices have increased above the original non sale price (say it was $229 and on sale 20% and now it’s listed as $249).
    Any other suggestions for one that’s not amz? Or have one from amz you like. (looked at Target Lowe’s Costco). I’m trying to reduce or diversify my retailera.

    1. Reba*

      Nothing for you at Lowe’s? I would be looking at hardware stores, too (ace, TSC, whatever is in your area). In my area there are some specialty outdoor
      furniture stores, presumably more $$, and discount whole home furniture showrooms.

      Yeah, Wayfair is goofy.

    2. Isabel Archer*

      Pretty sure the answer is algorithms, since you’re undoubtedly being tracked throughout your shopping. So, the creepy pricing model

    3. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Do you belong to your local Buy Nothing group? If not, join now! Better to give some stuff away before asking for things but not required. We have a great patio table with umbrella that we got through that and a nice like-new chaise longue outdoor chair. Never know what you’ll find (or get rid of) there.

    4. hummingbird*

      @Reba Ah, TSC and Axe are good ideas (although Ace is usually pricey). Lowe’s has some either a lot more or low/no reviews and only a handful.

      @Isabel Archer that’s what I thought but I’ve cleared cookies and also tried on duckduckgo

      @Bike Walk Bake Books I don’t have FB. I also no longer have a truck (hardly used the bed of it for my own needs.. I knew I wasn’t done with it quite yet when I traded it in… But hey no tariffs )

  46. Need advice for reselling concert tickets*

    I bought tickets a long time ago for a rare opportunity to attend a live concert of an internationally known orchestral composer. I got them the first day they were available and they were reasonably priced. I unfortunately now will be out of town which is disappointing.

    I plan to resell them through Ticketmaster’s function for that. I see that the show is sold out and resale tickets are going for 4-5 times what I paid. I’ve always loathed that scalpers intentionally buy tickets to sell for a profit, and in the past I’ve sold tickets I later found I couldn’t use at cost. But this time around, I could really use the money. I’m trying to figure out what to do that would feel ethical. Any advice?

    1. Two cents*

      You bought them in good faith, with the intention to attend yourself. I think as long as you don’t make a habit of it, you’re fine. Sometimes this stuff happens and the chips fall in our favor. Sometimes not. That’s life.

      If you really feel guilty about it, donate half of it to charity or something like that. Earmark the funds for something that is for more than for yourself.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        If you could use the money, don’t sell them at cost. Being charitable is lovely but doesn’t have to come at a cost (literally) for you. Maybe try and stay close to the original price, though, were I the buyer of your ticket, I also wouldn’t think badly of you if you charged ten percent more than the original price. More than that and I’d try and find someone else to buy from (or choose not to go).

    2. Flower*

      I loathe the scalpers too, but you didn’t buy them to scalp.

      I wouldn’t price them low, though, because, alas, a scalper will buy them and sell them for a lot more. I once had an extra ticket to the symphony and sold it out front (it was ok with them in those days) at cost. Figured I was making someone happy. Imagine my surprise when the person seated next to me was NOT the guy I sold it to. :-( God knows what he sold it for.

    4. Need advice for reselling concert tickets*

      Thanks for the helpful comments. Flower, your experience with a scalped ticket sounds awful when you were genuinely trying to help someone. I hadn’t thought of something like that. I’ll sell the tickets for the average of what they’re going for, and be grateful for the extra cash at a time when I need it.

      1. Need advice for reselling concert tickets*

        Sure. It’s English composer Max Richter, best known for his work “On the Nature of Daylight” featured in the film Arrival. He’s on a world tour with the American Contemporary Music Ensemble performing The Blue Notebooks and In a Landscape.

        I am SO disappointed to miss it!

        1. Flower*

          Ah! What a beautiful piece of music that is (On the Nature of Daylight). Not familiar with the other pieces, I’ll have to look them up.

  47. allathian*

    What’s your “hey, that’s weird” social phenomenon that other people seem to assume is universal but you don’t recognize ever having experienced?

    Mine’s FOMO. I don’t recognize ever having experienced it, certainly not in the last 20 years or so when social media have been a thing. In my 20s and early 30s, when I was single most of the time, smart phones hadn’t yet made social media ubiquitous. For years I was pretty happy because I preferred single to being in unhappy relationships.

    Maybe I’ve been exceptionally lucky in that my life as a mature adult’s gone pretty much as I always thought it would after I met my now-husband.

    Perhaps that’s combined with my personality, I’ve never been particularly ambitious and I don’t usually second guess my choices.

    I’m also not on social media (I don’t count Whatsapp because I only use it to text people in my contacts) so I avoid most of the algorithm-generated misery people voluntarily inflict on themselves.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      For me it’s following an ongoing television/online series. Back when I was a young adult this was interesting to me, but it’s been decades now. I hear people talk about a series or see threads about them here–the Office, Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones, Parks and Recreation, etc.–and they are not of interest to me. I enjoy movies, and on occasion will watch a series on PBS with a limited number of episodes. But not a long-term show with no target end date.

      1. BellStell*

        For me it is both never having fomo and never having a TV! So i hear both of you loud and clear!

      2. Sloanicota*

        Oh yeah, I skipped the streaming revolution, so although I enjoy that people are into the latest prestige show, I definitely have no access to any of it. I do still watch basic network sometimes but it frees up a lot of my time to skip all those shows, and most people are gracious in conversation when I’m like, “nope, haven’t seen it, but what do you like about it?” As a bonus, if I ever hit a phase of life where I’m trapped on the couch, there’s a lot of great content I will probably really love ready for me!

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This, sort of – I won’t start a series style show unless I can watch a whole season. And if the show is still running, I stop at the end of the last complete season and move on to something else until the next time a complete season is available. (This doesn’t apply to shows where every episode is expected to stand alone, like American Experience or most true crime shows.)

      4. Elizabeth West*

        I used to have big FOMO for TV shows, but not so much anymore. I do have streaming services and there is so much to watch I can’t see it all, so the urge to keep up just sort of dropped away. Besides, anything that’s not an original production of a particular streamer ends up getting swapped around to different platforms so I get to watch it in “reruns” anyway.

        The only thing I really wanted to see and couldn’t was The Last of Us, but Disney/Hulu/Max had a bundle I ended up getting, so I can watch it now.

      5. goddessoftransitory*

        I’ll hear about something that sounds great, like Severance or The Mandelorian, but I’m not paying for a whole streaming service to watch one show.

    2. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Social media. There is definitely an informative paradox, applicable more widely, with how the people not in the system are not visible to those in the system, who conclude from their direct experience that it must be The Common Thing Everyone Does.

      I was recently in an online discussion elsewhere that touched on beverages, and it was surprising how many people in the discussion never consumed alcohol. Usually in the direction “was never into it” rather than “had a problem and quit.” I recall an article about drinking in the US that broke down drinking habits, and the first 30% were “never drink” and then 10% in my category “1-2 drinks/year” and then 10% in the category “1 drink every couple of months.” The way drinking is depicted in popular culture you would never guess that half the adult population doesn’t even hit 1/month, much less 1/week or 1/day.

    3. Sloanicota*

      I actually have JOMO, the joy of missing out, when I am cozy at home, or headed to my cozy home while my friends stay out late getting even drunker, or go to expensive concerts across town after I want to be on my couch with the kitties …

        1. Sloanicota*

          Sure! I didn’t invent it, I’ve heard it floating around this past year or so.

    4. Zona the Great*

      I think this will make me sound like a social outcast but I am not. I have never experienced loneliness as far as I can tell. As a child, I craved being along more than I craved anything else. When Home Alone came out, I related to the “I’m living alone!” speech more than I can say. Up to that point, I didn’t consider that living alone was an option and I wanted nothing more from that point on.

      1. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

        You might like Owl Kitty’s clip of being in the movie Home Alone – she’s a fluffy black cat whose parents have made many clips of her ‘starring’ in films. Owl Kitty Home Alone should bring it up on you tube for you!

    5. RagingADHD*

      I’m not completely immune in all circumstances, but competitiveness.

      Most of the time, if I’m doing a leisure activity, I’m just there to enjoy the activity itself. I don’t care who’s better or worse at it, or who’s “winning.” If I’m doing something for my own good or my health, that’s for me – comparing myself to others just feels toxic.

      Yes, some games have an objective to score points and players are trying to beat each other. But a lot of things just aren’t set up that way, and there always seems to be this artificial imposition of competition as if it’s supposed to be motivating? I guess maybe other people like it?

      I don’t want to post my ranking on the Wordle leaderboard – who cares? I don’t want to run races, I just want to run and enjoy being outside. I absolutely do not want to compare my exercise or biometrics to others. Eww.

      It just seems so wierd to me.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I agree that I actively resist “gamification” whenever possible. I used to use a private browser to play worldle, or use a private browser, so I would never have a streak. I deliberately skipped every other day of my DuoLingo for the same reason. I don’t like feeling manipulated.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I like collecting stars or points or whatever for myself. That’s cool. I like a gold star.

          It’s the “see how you did versus other people” that feels icky to me. It’s not as if imaginary gold stars are a limited resource.

          Very manipulative.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      Using YouTube to learn things. I’m not against it or anything, but it seems wild to me to be able to look up “how to” do anything from makeup styles to hanging a garage door.

      Oh, and kids getting Chromebooks from their schools now.

      1. Rogue Slime Mold*

        When we had a rechargeable Yankee Flipper bird feeder, the charge lasted just long enough for me to forget how to get at the charging port. Every time. Fortunately I was not alone, and a nice man had made a little 1 minute video showing you where to press and twist what.

      1. Sloanicota*

        I actually miss having a VCR (really dating myself lol). I don’t have cable and if I actually care about catching something on network TV I have to be home for it. If I paid for fancy TV I know they have DVR built in, but I don’t have those features. So as far as I can tell, we’ve gone backwards in time, because I used to be able to set a VCR to record TV. I suppose I still could if I could find a working one and the tapes.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      I like being home and not going out very much. When I’m doing an activity, I’m only doing it for me, not to be the “best” at it. I never compare myself to others and don’t covet what they have. I like no drama and no competitiveness.
      So, no tv and no social media except for LI (I need it for work). I’d rather be outdoors somewhere.

    9. Sitting Pretty*

      Fashion generally and shopping for fashionable clothing specifically. Beyond keeping my wardrobe supplied with the basics, I have absolutely zero idea how to do it or how anyone does it. I mean, it’s easy to tell when someone is put together in a stylish way. It’s just that how they do it is an absolute mystery.

      To say nothing of the cost of keeping up with fashion trends! Friends of mine who I know earn about what I do somehow manage to have the financial resources for all kinds of lovely, chic things every new season.

      1. Onomatopoetic*

        I’m really not interested in fashion or clothes in general either, but for some reason I got this Andrea person in my watch list and really enjoy seeing her put together an outfit and explain what she is doing: “Because of the ruffles here, I’m going to add this thing here” or “the colour here is repeated in my earrings”. She does a lot of vintage, so there’s never anything that’s in or out, just different styles. I still wouldn’t do it myself, but I like to watch people do what they are good at. And she’s funny and has a bunch of cute pets too.

  48. Getting cold feet about buying real estate in this economy*

    Hi
    Is anyone getting cold feet about buying real estate in this economy. I’m about to put an offer in for a flat in the UK and with talk of massive recession looming, house prices going to drop etc I’m starting to second guess myself. It’s not overpriced, it’s the first place I’ve walked into and thought this could be home. I’d have savings left over if I lose my job – I’m contract worker so that is a concern. But I made the mistake of discussing it with friends some of whom are telling me to wait as the market is going to drop. Well I don’t think it will drop overnight and more importantly I don’t want to profit from someone else’s misery. And as far as I’m concerned house prices are cyclical – they might drop but they’ll go back up again and I’ll probably be in this location for the next 5 to 10 years. Think for my own sanity I’m going to restrict info to certain friends.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I don’t know the future, especially regarding the real estate market in the UK, but I can say when I bought my house, a lot of people gravely shook their heads at me and told me since the Feds had just moved the rate, it was a bad time to buy, it would be better to buy in six months or so, maybe I should check again. I was very very glad I ignored them in November 2019.

      1. Rogue Slime Mold*

        While I’m glad we didn’t buy a condo when my husband was in grad school, the real estate crash was more than a decade off. I didn’t want the uncertainty, but we would have been able to sell.

    2. Time for Tea*

      UK house prices never drop as a universal thing, they might stagnate for a bit. It will never be a cheaper time to buy property unless we do actually end the known world, which I can no longer say for definite is off the cards. Having said that, flats are a separate risk factor.

      Really do your research on claddings that might have been used (any claddings, not just current known issues), desirability of the block and area, service charges and the formula for increases, what building refurbishment fees might be pushed on to the individual flat owners (lots of cheaply built newish high rise blocks in my city with major issues that need expensive remedial works at say 5 years in), are there plans for more blocks in the area – people are likely to buy off plan/new rather than the existing block with faults, is it a big buy to let area, eg student lettings, these prices may fall if small scale landlords really need to bail.

      What is more likely to happen is that sales will be slower to achieve and sellers (and agents) will have to be more realistic about what price a property will go for. If a mortgage is less than or equal to rent, the extra fees are ok and you won’t need a quick sale you should be ok.

      The biggest risk for me is the cladding issue, or whatever the next thing is we find out the builders were up to. Those flats are worthless now with people unable to sell and in debt for huge amounts of money.

      1. Username Required*

        Thanks – luckily no cladding. Small building – 2 floors, 4 flats on each floor. The only thing concerning me is that 3 of the 8 owners have sold in the last year – two had owned for 20 years and the third for 11 years so I’m checking there is no problem such as nuisance tenant that might have people leaving.

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          That would be my main concern, frankly. When we bought our place 30 years ago (yikes) we were both thinking we paid way too much for it. Ha! It’s now worth four times as much as we paid.

    3. Mutually Supportive*

      Time for Tea has made some excellent points about flats specifically. But to add in general, it’s really easy for people who are already settled to say “you’re better off to wait” but what they really mean is “it might be a bit cheaper to buy if you wait”

      But there are costs associations with waiting – you’re paying someone else rent instead of your own mortgage as a starter, but also the peace of mind of having your own place, being able to make it yours and feel settled there etc etc – it can be hard to put a monetary value on that (relative) security and that part is often overlooked.

    4. Generic Name*

      I personally wouldn’t try to time the market in buying real estate for the purpose of living in it. It’s hard enough to find a place you like in a good location that you can afford. I bought a house in 2006. The value did drop during the recession, and at one point it was valued less than I paid for it. Fortunately I was never underwater because of the down payment I had made.

      1. Generic Name*

        Forgot to include that I sold that house after 7 years at a profit, despite the dip in value shortly after buying it. Could I have made even more money if I had waited to buy? Sure, but I still needed a place to live and I’m happy with my choice.

      2. Busy Middle Manager*

        The term “timing the market” gets overused. Of course realtors and Wall St want you to blindly pour into assets, even if they know a crash or recession is coming or here (look at the past month in stocks, they’ve been saying to buy every dip all the way down).

        Home Price to Median Household Income Ratio (US) is at a historic high. Avg asking price is now 7.5X the average median household income.

        If you look the ratio up, it peaked around 6.5X for one second before the 2008 crash and was about 5X in the 2010s

    5. Getting cold feet about buying real estate in this economy**

      Thanks – appreciate all the responses and advice. Looking forward to viewing the flat tomorrow and hopefully making an offer.

    6. Busy Middle Manager*

      I would have cold feet. I obsessively follow listings since I’ve wanted to move, and priced spiked until mid 2022 and then have stayed suspended in air. One thing that bothers me (but may work to your benefit) is that I keep hearing ‘rush rush people are bidding over ask’ then I follow on up “just sold” listings and they are at slight price cuts. And I keep thinking, oh, if I new the market wasn’t as competitive as they make it out to be, I might have put effort into putting in an offer.

      The media also rushes you to buy by reporting a YOY increase of 3% in home prices. What they fail to report is that the market the past year+ has skewed higher/end luxury. The price of any particular average house has definitely not been going up

      There isn’t anything to propel home prices up at this point. All you see is layoffs and hiring freezes and outsourcing. When you see masses of middle class + upper middle class jobs being created, then rush to buy

      1. Getting cold feet about buying real estate in this economy**

        Part of the reason I want to buy now is in case I get laid off – then at least I’m not paying rent. I worked abroad and saved every penny so I’m putting down a large deposit which will make my mortgage manageable. It’s such a major purchase I had a bit of a wobble but am steady again :0)

        1. Busy Middle Manager*

          I paid $3000 for an emergency water heater replacement in the middle of the night in 2023. I paid $2000 to replace a fancy door/frame that was a weird size that was falling apart. I paid $2000 to replace some falling drop ceiling with sheetrock and paint it. Looking at paying a similar amount to fix a now cracking/chipping stone stoop.

          Not to mention property tax and insurance increases and water increases (granted these get built into the rent, but it’s more of a hit when it’s all on you)

  49. The new Bergerac series*

    So I’ve just watched the new Bergerac series and really don’t like the remake. Loved the old version with John Nettles. The new one feels more dark and dramatic which ok could see that being a good thing. But they’ve turned him into a corrupt policeman – he framed a suspect because he couldn’t get the evidence the legal way to charge him and his supervisor’s response was basically “we’ll sweep it under the carpet this time but don’t do that again”. Will be sticking to repeats of the old version.

    1. Ali + Nino*

      People celebrating Passover, it’s almost here! vent, celebrate your wins, ask questions. As always I am looking for your easy tried and true recipes. Just had a neighbor recommend a kosher for Passover brownie recipe from the chocolate chip company “California Gourmet” – “tastes like chametz!” being the highest compliment possible. I could use some other dessert recipes, too, if you have any recommendations!

    2. Weegie*

      I’m watching the original right now! Maybe it’s just nostalgia on my part, but I think it has stood the test of time quite well.

  50. Emergency label on iPhone?*

    On my iPhone password screen, the word Emergency appears in the bottom left corner. Who knows what happens when you press it? I haven’t pressed it, fearing it will automatically dial 911, which I obviously don’t want to do.
    I have an ICE emergency contact in my phone, and I am wondering if this Emergency button would either lead the phone holder to my ICE contact without having to enter my password (e.g. I’m taken by ambulance to a hospital alone and hospital staff need to find my emergency contact). Or does it just call 911?
    If pressing that Emergency button on the password screen doesn’t lead the phone holder to my ICE contact within the phone, then how do emergency personnel find my ICE contact without entering my password? (It seems useless to have an ICE contact in my phone if emergency personnel can’t access it).

  51. Would-be swimmer*

    help! I want to get back into swimming. I was never on the swim team or amazing but I used to be decent. but now I want to swim laps and I just…forgot how to do different strokes? I’m looking for videos of how and when to do each part of different strokes. I should probably also get some goggles XD thanks!!

    1. Weekend Warrior*

      Great! I got back into swimming as a much older adult and I love it.

      I took some adult lessons at my local rec centre to learn bilateral breathing and correct strokes (swimming styles have changed a bit) and then watched youtube videos. I worked up to swimming 1500 metres several times a week at my peak and now swim for 40 minutes a couple of times per week. Love swimming for time rather than counting lengths. :)

      I watched a lot of Total Immersion Swimming videos because I wanted to perfect a very smooth glide in freestyle. It’s kind of a cult but a good one. :) Effortless Swimming is an excellent youtube channel with many videos breaking down strokes and techniques.

      My favourite goggles are the basic Speedo hydroplex.

      Happy splashing!

    2. WestsideStory*

      Take an adult swim class if you can. What you are looking is for someone to improve your form, but starting from zero (a lot of adult classes start that way) will keep you humble about fundamentals. I first learned as an adult in the the local rec center and went back a few years later before a major trip with planned snorkeling, and it was a big help.

      1. Alex*

        Second this. I was on a swim team as a child and spent tons of time in the water and definitely could lap swim, but taking some adult swim classes was really helpful. I just took the more advanced classes meant for “fitness swimming” rather than the ones that teach you how to swim in the first place. Also it helped form the habit of going to the pool.

    3. MCL*

      I also got into lap swimming as an adult. I took swim lessons as a kid but didn’t really learn butterfly or breast stroke and since I didn’t ever swim for exercise I didn’t really know free or back very well either. I took a few private adult lessons from the city parks and rec department which really helped. Having someone watch what I was doing and give real time feedback was what I needed!

    4. Apparently has a lot to say about swimming*

      (Former swimming instructor and swim coach here!) Definitely if there is any adult swim programs in your area they would be awesome if it’s doable at all (pools near me have lots of options, like multi-week group lessons, private lessons where you can decide how many and what to work on, drop in masters swim/stroke correction sessions, and masters swim clubs, but we’re a very active city so ymmv). If you haven’t gotten some form of swim coaching before it’s hard to oversell how helpful it can be! If that’s not an option, once you’ve watched a bunch of videos and have an idea what to look for, get someone to videotape you swimming and look back at it to critique yourself! Swim smooth is another place with an extensive YouTube channel (I think mainly freestyle). Speedo vanquisher is the classic goggles of practically every swim club-er for a reason (they also make prescription lens ones for not too much more which is awesome if you’re a full-time glasses wearer)!

  52. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Since there’s such a wide knowledge base in this forum:
    Does anyone know the most cost effective way to ship an empty aluminum drink can (soda/beer)? Usually I use USPS flat rate shipping because of the free boxes, but it won’t fit in a Small box and $19 for a Medium box seems like overkill. But might be worth it if I can’t find cheap packing supplies…

    2. Reg*

      Ok, now we need to know why you are shipping this. :-) Is it some rare form of can that is going to a museum? Is it a taunt you are sending to someone who cannot drink sodas?

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Haha Yeah, I’m now in charge of selling collectible cans from a relative’s collection and I need to pick a shipping option to list them on Ebay.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I am really curious as to why you want to ship an empty can, haha. But if I needed to do such a thing, I would probably stop at a UPS store or similar and see if they had a shipping tube of an appropriate diameter and cut it down to a shorter length (or just buy a smaller box if that wasn’t an option), then send it as a first class mail package.

      1. Zona the Great*

        My guess is that someone collects a certain kind of can OP found or perhaps an inside joke!

    4. Generic Name*

      Pack the can yourself in the smallest size box it will fit into. You can cut down a larger box so it is the right size. Then take it to ups or fedex and ask them to give you the different shipping options. They’ll ask you if you need it delivered by a certain day. Tell them you just want the cheapest option. Sometimes ground shipping by private carrier is cheapest, sometimes sending it by postal mail is cheapest, but the shipping place should give you options for either.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        I’m listing collectable cans on Ebay for a relative and I need a shipping price ahead of time. Previously I’ve just used flat-rate boxes to sell, so I knew the price ahead of time.

        1. Indolent Libertine*

          You can know where to set your shipping price by doing this, though. Find the smallest box that will work, maybe at your local UPS or private mailbox place, pack it as if you were shipping it today, with whatever cushioning you’ll use, bubble wrap or whatever, and take it in to the post office to see what it would cost at various levels of service. Then you’ll know what shipping cost to put into your listings.

    5. WellRed*

      Put it in your own box and ship it that way. The post office does not require you to use theirs.

  53. Warrant Officer Georgiana Breakspear-Goldfinch*

    Any recommendations for a vendor/retailer where I could purchase a lampshade? Snowflake requirements: I want it to be rectangular, to accommodate two bulbs on either side of a central finial. I canNOT find this form factor anywhere.

    1. RagingADHD*

      You’re probably going to do best at a local lighting specialty shop.

      Put “near me” in your google search, and even if you don’t see the shape you want, you’ll find put who to talk to.

    2. UKDancer*

      I don’t know where you are but if you’re in the UK both Next and John Lewis have some nice lights and I’ve done well in both places online.

  54. What's in a name?*

    Random question – how many Christmas presents do you get your kids/spouse? I do stocking – a bunch of chocolate/food treat things, plus usually one thing that’s a present (but smaller like charging cord or sports trading cards). Then I try to have three other presents for each of the kids to unwrap. If one of them is more expensive, then the other two will be smaller. When the kids were little, one of the presents would be from santa. Kids are all teen/adult now. Sort of aim for around $100 each for presents (not including all the stocking chocolate treats), but often it’s a little more, and once in a while quite a bit more (e.g. one year a kid needed a piece of sports equipment that comes in a wide price range so we got him the good one but it counted as one of his presents).
    Related – if you are the present buyer, does anyone buy presents for you? I used to get myself a couple presents too because I thought the kids might be upset if I didn’t have something to unwrap, but for the last three(?) years, I haven’t bothered beyond putting chocolates in my stocking (because I like chocolate and everyone gets the same thing so it’s no extra effort to get enough for me as well). I honestly don’t know if anyone has even noticed.

    1. Sloanicota*

      I think you could certainly ask your spouse to get you a thoughtful gift this year, particularly if you traditionally get one for them. I buy one gift for every member of my family (mom, dad, sister, brother in law, niece, nephew), all in the $50 range, which has gone up in the past year as I used to aim closer to $30 but inflation. I also do stockings for the adults, with my stocking getting the “extras” but it is practical stuff I like, like slipper-socks – and my parents generally “top up” the stockings too, so there are a few things for me that I’m not expecting. You know what’s funny, I said “parents” but I know it’s my mom. My dad probably buys nothing or one thing for her, rarely anything else. My sister generally gets me a gift in probably the same dollar range and my parents sometimes get me two or three things, I think because they feel weird that I get a notably smaller pile than anyone. But I try not to worry about it. I do often buy myself something while I’m shopping for others, but I don’t wrap and open it with the family or anything. I don’t feel hard done by.

    2. RussianInTexas*

      No kids, but for my partner – none. We don’t exchange gifts not cards, and I’ve been lobbying hard to completely stop all gift exchanging between adults in the family, and I am getting close (we are on the”pull one person’s name, and there is a budget).
      For the three small kids in the family (stepdaughter’s girls), I have a personal budget of $30 per child. They are very young and don’t know the price of various things.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        There is been a lot of food gifts exchange in the later years because it’s near impossible to buy gifts for adults who can buy themselves whatever they want.

    3. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      We usually do three for our kiddo, and I get 2-3 for my partner, who gets 2-3 for me (mostly from a wish list I make during October/November). Everybody else gets one present (big family on both sides, plus friends).
      For adults we straight-out ask what they’d like, and often make group presents for something more expensive. For kids we usually ask the parents and they usually ask us for our kiddo. (Getting my MIL to not simply buy Anything she liked but something kiddo would actually like or need took a few years – but nowadays we usually buy something for an amount of money she sets beforehand, wrap it and bring it along for her to give to the kiddo)
      Per kid present we usually aim for ~15£, per adult for ~20£ – but that varies and has slowly risen through the years as things have become more expensive (and kids have become bigger, as have their wishes; like, I can get a lovely book for a toddler for 10£ but one for a teenager, usually is more like 15+£). For our own kiddo we plan approx. 100£, though that varies depending on kiddo’s wishes and how long an item is supposed to be used/usable.
      We didn’t do stockings but everyone gets a sweet they like ‘:D

    4. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Of late I’ve settled into one main gift to each person (spouse, two kids, one kid-in-law) and then each person also gets a book and some decent socks. They each get one-ish gift for me. We stopped exchanging gifts with the wider family, and god bless my brother-in-law for being the one to suggest that.

      We all get stocking stuff–some to go in all stockings, some specific to one person. (This year both kids got good knife sharpeners in their stockings, as they cook more now.) Credit to my spouse that the year I didn’t get much of anything in my stocking, and suggested (sincerely, no anger) that probably this meant we should retire doing stockings, he instead made sure that my stocking had stuff going forward.

      1. Rogue Slime Mold*

        So for kids–once they were 3 or so I helped them buy a gift for their dad, and he helped them buy a gift for me, until they were old enough to shop on their own. (Around college was the shift from I pay for this gift to they pay.) The same for each parent’s birthday and Mothers/Fathers Day. The family chats without 1 person in them are all called “(that person) Presents” because the first time it came up was to coordinate gifts. So it’s unusual to me that your kids don’t give you gifts, but it’s possible that they believe you do not want gifts.

    5. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Genuinely touching tale, to me, third-hand: After Grandpa passed, Grandma told the grown kids that their first Christmas together, she saw him at the mall, just frozen in terror, and realized that this was not something in his skill set. So she bought her own gifts–specifically, she thought it was important for the kids to see her open gifts from their dad–and used other measures as evidence that he loved her. If the solution works for the people in it, then it’s a good solution.

      I have come to view gift giving as a skill with a lot of natural variation. Someone can really love you but be bad at selecting gifts; someone can be brilliant at coming up with a thing you didn’t even realize you wanted, and yet inconsiderate in a host of other ways.

    6. Double A*

      Our kids are little so it’s pretty random. I also will wrap and put lots of things under the tree that we might have gotten anyway but since we happened to get them near the holidays they become a “gift.” I also shop goodwill so cheap little things get wrapped up too. So even though it looks like a huge haul, what’s actually within the presents isn’t quite so crazy.

      I have accepted my husband is basically not going to buy me gifts, so I do give him essentially a couple of links with the directive to pick something. And then I buy myself gifts lol. I do almost all my shopping on our cute local Main Street supporting small local businesses so since we are plenty well off I consider it my civic duty to support them (kind of joking…but I do basically consider this local spending unlimited and I will buy myself the artsy knock knacks I fancy).

      My philosophy about holidays and celebrations is that I only do the extras if I enjoy it. Right now I enjoy all this; if it starts to feel like a chore I’ll change it up

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband and I both struggle with gifting – specifically the timing. Like, I will see something that I would like to get him in August, and then my options are to wait (and end up forgetting) or to buy it early, at which point my options are either to hide it (and forget about it) or give it to him early. He has the same issue. So we decided this past year that instead of birthday and Christmas gifts, we’ll just hand each other random presents year round with a “Merry Christmas”. It worked really well. (We still exchanged stockings, but those are generally candy and edible treats or little stuff like a new phone charger or a packet of cute stitch markers.)

    8. Not A Manager*

      I think the presents matter to you, and I think you should say something. Everyone in your family is an adult. Reach out to them well before the holiday, tell them that when they were kids it was different but now that they are grown, you’d like them to include you in the gift giving. Tell your spouse that, too.

      If you don’t let it fester too long, you’ll be able to present it as information they want to have, and not as angry hurt feelings. The longer you wait, the harder that will be.

    9. Emma*

      I buy a few more than this, but honestly I think 3 sounds perfect. I just get excited sometimes! I have fairly small kids, and some of the gifts are often things they already need (like rain boots). My husband and I don’t always exchange gifts (it depends on both energy level and budget), but if I want a gift that year, sometimes I’ll send my husband a specific link, or sometimes I’ve given him a wishlist with multiple things, and he picks. He’s very much not into gifting (like he doesn’t like receiving gifts himself), so if I want it to happen (which, sometimes I do!), I ask.

      And I typically fill all stockings, including mine, but I put stuff I want in mine. Or occasionally I might ask him to buy something for my stocking.

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