two of my employees won’t speak to each other

by Alison Green on May 20, 2025

A reader writes:

I’m managing a department of eight people and two of them won’t speak to each other. I’m new to my position and it took me a couple of months to figure out that they weren’t talking.

They literally won’t speak to each other. If we have a meeting, they won’t participate if the other person is in the room, unless I address a question directly to one of them.

I’ve been managing them for three months, but from what I can gather it’s been like this for at least two years. There seem to be a couple of other people in the department who are on one person’s side or the other, and it is affecting the department’s work.

Everyone who has been with the company for a while shrugs it off with a that’s just how it is. However, it is affecting their work (and the department’s), so I need to address it. I’m just not sure how. How do I address two adults who won’t speak to each other?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

{ 65 comments }

{ 65 comments… read them below }

    1. Jennifer Strange*

      It says a couple of people are taking sides. Granted, that’s still at least half of the team involved in whatever this is, but it’s not the whole team.

      I do wonder if this started as a trivial spat, and then each of them had another team member in their ear goading them to push it further. Either way, it needs to end. Not sure if there was ever any updated to it, but I hope the LW had a good resultion.

      1. MigraineMonth*

        LW mentioned in the comments that they’d been brought in as a subject matter expert and were dealing with this instead and that management was very passive about addressing issues. There was no update to the letter. I’m not optimistic the situation was solved, but hopefully the LW got out!

  2. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    OP, time for a talk with both of them — separately. You tell each one that you don’t care about how they feel about the other one but they must be civil, which includes speaking to the other one and participating fully in meetings. Make it a condition of continued employment. Tell them that straight out. Tell them if they are unable to behave as a professional, they will need to be transitioned out.

    Do not fall into trying to find the cause of it. Do not get into a but she did this to point the finger at the other. Simply state, it does not matter how it started or who did what – it ends now.

    Because if it was something serious – like a slur or harassment, the company should have handled it back when it happened. So you can go on the presumption it is not that serious — unless proven otherwise.

    1. Not Tom, Just Petty*

      I agree that OP should start with a statement. “This ends now. You will speak to each other about work. You will speak in meetings. You will not pass information to the other through coworkers. You will not email after a meeting with things you didn’t say because the other was there. Can you do this?”
      But I think OP can listen as well to why they cannot – very different from why they will not.
      If there is a bigger issue that the company should have handled it should be heard.
      (But since nobody has shared why with OP, nobody has warned OP that Employee 1 will respond badly to X, it sure seems like personal bs.)

    2. Jennifer Strange*

      Simply state, it does not matter how it started or who did what – it ends now.</i.

      Well, no, it DOES matter how it started depending on the situation. That doesn't mean take one person's word as the gospel, but if employee A says, "Employee B has been making bigoted remarks to me" and employee B says, "Employee A just can't take a joke" that's a pretty good indicator that this situation might be bigger than the LW realizes. Given this has been going on for 2 years I can't imagine someone was competently managing them, so it's very possible one of them has a very good reason for trying to avoid engagement with the other.

      1. Bast*

        I agree that the why can matter, for precisely this reason. If this has been allowed to go on as long as it has, it sounds like the previous manager was not effectively managing them. If someone is being subjected to harassment, bigotry, etc., appropriate steps need to be taken NOW, even if the previous manager threw in the towel and said, “not my problem” or thought it “wasn’t a big deal.” I don’t think it’s completely out of the question. We’ve seen plenty of ineffective managers on this page who refuse to handle difficult things, or the perpetrator is friends with the manager, or the manager genuinely believe that it isn’t a big deal, or any number of reasons, really. This needs to be ruled out to determine the next steps, and LW needs to make it clear if there is a harassment issue, it will not be taken lightly.

        1. Bast*

          I remember quite a few letters on here where Person A turned down Person B’s advances and it got nasty or some variant of this, so that’s where my mind initially went with this one.

        2. MigraineMonth*

          …if it was something serious – like a slur or harassment, the company should have handled it back when it happened.

          Yes, the company *should* have handled a serious issue like harassment, bullying, slurs, violence, etc. back when it happened. But you cannot just assume that is the case.

      2. Christine*

        Yes, sometimes the why can and should matter. I have a cousin who, when we were kids, would relentlessly pick on me mentally and phyically, completely unprovoked. From the next room, an adult would yell, “Knock it off, you two!” Hurt like hell. The logic applies here, i.e. get to the root of things, if you want to be fair about managing the situation.

    3. Generic Name*

      Based on my own past experience, I wouldn’t assume the company handled something serious properly, unfortunately. I had a coworker who had been sexually harassing me for years, and I finally screwed up the courage to tell my boss. I thought it had been handled, but I was wrong, and I found out based on a comment my (then outgoing) boss made about how she was recommending my coworker (the harasser) to take her place as department manager. So I forwarded my emails to HR, who told me that my manager never went to them (yes, manager broke federal law). HR supposedly “dealt” with it, but harassing coworker was still in the running to become my boss. I was civil and professional to him, but I definitely wouldn’t appreciate if a new boss assumed I was just as much of a problem as he was on the assumption that anything “serious” would obviously have been dealt with, by default.

      1. Annony*

        Yeah. I do think that hearing the backstory is important. The company has apparently been ok with two people on the same team refusing to speak to each other for years. That does not indicate the company is great at addressing issues appropriately.

      3. ScruffyInternHerder*

        Just from what I’ve seen, and echoing Generic Name above, I would never assume that “if its serious its been handled”.

    4. JSPA*

      The presumption that serious problems were dealt with “at time of” is not well-founded.

      There are plenty of topics that are potentially “nuclear” at work, that nobody reasonably feels safe broaching to a manager or HR that may be on the opposite side of the issue. I feel that you can and probably should suss out the lay of the land.

      “Without specifying any details, can you give me some sense of whether the root of your discord was an action, an unbridgeable difference in philosophy, a mutual visceral reaction, professional distrust, or something else?”

      And, remember, some managers will say “then just don’t talk to each other” if there’s some acrimonious topic that people just. won’t. drop. Or a close relationship that broke down. Or a personal or professional betrayal.

      “To be clear, I do need to have you and person X behave politely to each other, including basic communication. However, if your mutual silent treatment is based on some past agreement brokered by my predecessor, I understand it may take a few days to get back in the habit of behaving professionally towards each other.”

    5. Kevin Sours*

      “Because if it was something serious – like a slur or harassment, the company should have handled it back when it happened. So you can go on the presumption it is not that serious — unless proven otherwise.”

      “Should” is doing a hell of a lot of work there. And how do you expect to get proof otherwise if you lead with “what happened doesn’t matter and I don’t want to hear about it?”. Not getting drawn into petty drama is good advice. Laying down aggressive edicts while firmly sticking your head in the sand is not.

      1. Observer*

        “Should” is doing a hell of a lot of work there. And how do you expect to get proof otherwise if you lead with “what happened doesn’t matter and I don’t want to hear about it?”.

        Exactly!

      2. DJ Abbott*

        “Should” is a red flag. It means people don’t know if the thing is right or not. They say “should” because they want it to be. But that does not make it so! It has to be checked to see if it actually is the way it should be.
        It also makes people feel bad. Just a couple of weeks ago, our assistant manager told me I should be caught up by now. She didn’t know there had been three times as many items to handle as normal and I had been trying to keep up during our busiest time of year. All it did was make me feel like I would never be good enough in this job and I shouldn’t be there. I did nothing to help me get caught up.

    6. Observer*

      like a slur or harassment, the company should have handled it back when it happened.

      Yes, they *should* have. But given the reality and the added comments that LW posted, it could have been anything.

  3. Hiring Mgr*

    I’ve had to do this before. Years ago a couple guys I was managing had been friends but there was a falling out and one day it kind of erupted with them yelling at each other.

    I had to call them in (separately) and basically read them the riot act. I think when they realized how childish they appeared to everyone it knocked some sense into them.

    After this they worked together fine and with no more incidents – so definitely talk to then asap!

  4. Librarian*

    I had a co-worker, Arabella, who wouldn’t speak to me. It started when we got a temporary person, Beulah. Beulah was young, ambitious, scary-smart, and Black. Arabella was Black. I (White) realized Beulah was brilliant and tried to teach her whatever I could. Arabella became anxious and dealt with it by not speaking to me or to a lot of our co-workers. I talked about the problem with our director, Clara, who told me it was up to the two of us to work it out–she wouldn’t get involved. (Clara dealt with difficulties by screaming at the person who brought them up. When another c0-worker, Daphne, wondered in front of Clara whether Arabella had the degree necessary to do the job, Clara replied “Are you questioning my judgement?”) It took Clara a long time to discover that Arabella didn’t know how to do a very basic task necessary for the job.

    Epilogue: We got a new division manager, Esther, who eliminated Clara’s position. When the next round of layoffs came, Arabella was in that number. Beulah went on to get her doctorate and has written quite a few books I do not understand at all. I’m still there, happy that Esther is my grandboss. I’m not sure what happened to Arabella.

    1. Arrietty*

      I was waiting for ethnicity to become relevant in this story, but it didn’t. Is there a missing detail that explains why you mentioned it?

      1. Librarian*

        I did consider leaving out ethnicity, but decided to include it because although it was not a major factor, my impression was that there was an element of ethnicity. Nothing I could point to and say “this is why,” and I probably should have left it out.

        1. Dovima*

          Were Arabella and Beulah the only two Black people on the team? Were they the only two Black women on the team?

          Here’s where I think it is relevant: I am a woman in engineering. Sometimes, women are terrible to other women in engineering in a particular way that seems to be unique to women interacting with other women. It’s this weird Highlander thing where successful women, ie, women who are SMEs or managers or hold some form of influence or authority, will cut out any other woman who is similarly talented and might challenge them. That is the lens that I saw Arabella through. She was challenged by the new, smart, young Black woman who was clearly going to supplant her.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, reminds me of Margaret Thatcher who in spite of breaking a number of glass ceilings as a woman in politics herself was the opposite of a good advocate for women looking to follow in her footsteps.

  5. Ann O'Nemity*

    Yep, set the new expectation of civility. If one or both can’t get past it even with rounds of escalating coaching, I’d say it’s grounds for termination.

    And frankly, I’d be on the look out for other red flags with these two, and even with the broader team. This is some toxic-level drama and it would make me question professionalism.

    A new manager can actually be a blessing here, coming in with a fresh viewpoint of THIS IS NOT NORMAL AND IT IS NOT OKAY.

  6. Not on board*

    My mother was affected by something similar. She worked in a factory and there was one position that was so physically taxing that you never did that particular shift more than once a week but required 2 people. The manager scheduled my mother in the difficult shift twice in a row because the next 2 people who were supposed to work that shift didn’t speak to each other.
    My mother said to the manager – “This is a workplace, not a schoolyard. It’s their job to work together and I’m not going to suffer because they can’t get along. And I’ll go to the union if need be.” Manager said: “you’re right, I’ll deal with it”. Never happened again.

    1. Momma Bear*

      Good for her!

      Too often if everyone is just willing to work around the situation, it never gets resolved. In the case mentioned in this letter I’d try to get to the source of it and then with that context remind them that they need to do their jobs, which include talking to one another in meetings.

      If it’s really that bad, maybe a job swap with someone from another department looking for new skills would help. I’ve had people I had to ask my boss for help dealing with and I wonder if the previous boss just…didn’t.

  7. mobro*

    I find it interesting that Alison used female-associated names in her response when there was no suggestion of gender in the original question. I realized I also assumed it was two women, but…it easily could be anyone!

    1. Goldenrod*

      Alison may have known the genders, based on the original submission she received.

    2. Jennifer Strange*

      She’s spoken about defaulting to female pronouns to push back on the way that others default to male pronouns.

    3. T. Wanderer*

      I believe Alison does female-default language for everything AAM! I don’t remember if she’s said anything specifically, but I assume it’s to counteract the predominance of male-as-default. (not sure if Alison’s considered going for default-neutral, but it’s an interesting linguistic choice either way!)

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes — I do it to counter centuries of the male default. It’s not that I’m assuming everyone in a letter is actually female; my feeling is that since the old-school use of “he” as a default was meant to cover both men and women, “she” can do that also.

        2. mobro*

          Here it seemed to play into potential stereotypes, even if not intentional. It made me realize I was stereotyping!

          Curious what your thoughts are on using gender neutral “they” as default?

          1. Peanut Hamper*

            I would find that confusing because I might not be able to figure out if “they” was referring to Person A, Person B, or both Persons A and B. I have enough trouble following llamas and teapots some days.

            I would be so much happier just seeing “Person A” and “Person B” but that’s just me.

  8. Goldenrod*

    I worked in an office like this once, and I found it absolutely ridiculous. And it happened on the regular – there was one employee who would launch into her “silent treatment” routine with her office mates, it would last a few weeks, then she would drop it. Then, a few weeks or months later, something would set her off and the whole routine would start over again.

    Her co-workers just accepted it, which I found so weird. She was the manager’s favorite, so it was never managed properly.

    I guess my point is – if you want to be taken seriously as a manager, you MUST address this and shut it down, because I know I absolutely lost respect with everyone who contributed to this nonsense.

  9. Someone Else's Boss*

    I’m going to need an update to this one because I must know why they are at odds to this degree and yet neither of them has found a new job.

    1. Dancing Otter*

      “I’ll be d—d if I let that b—- force me out of here.”
      So it just drags on and on and on….

  10. Just Being Silly*

    When I was a toddler and acted like this, I was disciplined and given a time out. These people need to be disciplined according to company policy but issuing them disciplinary spankings and time outs is amusing to think about.

  11. Yes Really*

    Is this me and my coworker!? Lol.

    I’m actually dealing with this at my current job. Ever since I was hired, my coworker Brittany has regularly lashed out or gotten short with me. We’re talking every 1.5-2 months she acts up and every time she does it, I just ignore her and act pleasant with whoever else is around like it never happened.

    She’s done this repeatedly in front of our manager as well as our entire team. I think our manager has probably told her to knock it off, but she keeps doing it. This has been going on over 2 years.

    1. allathian*

      As long as you aren’t escalating it, beyond ignoring her when she lashes out, I don’t think you’re to blame. Lashing out is a form of bullying and a tortoise defense is a valid one, IMO.

  12. mango chiffon*

    I used to support a team where two people hated each other and I didn’t know this until many years after they both left the organization. What I did know was that the vibes on the team were so off, and I didn’t like interacting with anyone on the team at all. These things have far reaching effects beyond just the internal team workings. You can feel that vibe just interacting with the group for any other type of thing. It got so much better after they both left and new people joined.

  13. cncx*

    I have actually done this as a short term measure because anything I said to that colleague was used as ammo. I certainly would never use it a a job I wanted to keep, but that place was full of bees and silent treatment was actually protecting my mental health until I could dip. It isn’t a grownup way to do things, but if you’re not dealing with grownups…

    1. Christine*

      Same here, except in my situation, it was toward a busybody, infantalizing mother hen, a kind of bully that truly really sucks to have as a coworker. She’d try to get people disciplined (for dumb, meaningless, who knows what) to the point of being fired, but the manager (so-called) didn’t do anything about it, so for me, she just didn’t exist. I wasn’t proud of my behavior, but it was highly satisfying to watch her steam because she couldn’t get a rise out of me; she refused to be stood up to but had no choice with me.

      Cautionary tale everyone: sometimes, ignoring
      bullies is the best way to deal with them, especially if the boss refuses to manage the situation. He wasn’t going to protect us from her, so we had to find ways to protect ourselves.

  14. Elara Harper*

    I once supervised two (and only two) people who had a falling out over a cupcake, of all things. They decided to no longer speak to each other. It was ridiculous. Neither could effectively do their job without communicating with each other. I spoke to them individually and then together emphasizing they *must* communicate civilly, even if only through email. No dice. This went on for 3-4 months. Taking sides started to spread to other teams. Each believed that our mutual boss had their back. In reality, boss was fed up with the both of them, other same level managers insisted something be done, and they were both terminated. So, that’s one way to go.

  15. Artemesia*

    there are a lot of people looking for jobs these days. The first thing I would want to do is talk with my own boss about the situation since you are new. Identify the problem and that it cannot be allowed to stand, but find out what has gone on about this. Maybe your predecessor left because they were not allowed to deal with it. Make clear to your boss that it is intolerable, what your plan is, and what consequences you want to be able to impose if if your plans to work with them to end this don’t work. You need to be able to fire these people or know for sure you can’t and know what else you can do.

    Surely this has been an issue before you and it may be a giant bear trap.

  16. Ciela*

    LOL. We have one employee, Bubble, who is involved with most inter-employee issues. She won’t talk to me or my husband, because she thinks that we think she is bad at her job. But she is. Measurably and demonstrably so. After 20 years, she should not need to be reminded on a daily basis to save files under the job number. I am always as pleasant as I can be when asking her to save files, but it is past old. Spoiler: ALL our files need to saved under the job number. And she just doesn’t save files. At all. Anywhere. And that is just the beginning of how she fails as basic job duties.

    I will talk to her, but I know that there is a VERY small chance that she will recall what I have said later, so I just put anything I need from her in an e-mail. Then at least there is a 50/50 chance she’ll do what I ask vs. just delete my e-mail.

    1. I Have RBF*

      She is failing at a core duty of her job. She has been coached repeatedly about it, and has failed to improve, and is instead avoiding feedback, including deleting emails.

      She needs to be fired, because she isn’t doing her job. If she isn’t already on a PIP, start there, but prepare to fire her.

    2. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

      Why do you still employ this person? Surely you have a choice in the matter?

      1. LaurCha*

        It sounds like Bubble is not her direct report. It’s possible to have a person you delegate to but do not manage. I read “we have an employee” as “the company I work for has an employee.”

        1. Ciela*

          Correct! the royal “we”. Bubble is supposed to make everyone else’s day easier, and yet leaves more work for me!

      2. Ciela*

        Sadly I have no control over hiring or firing. Her position has been posted as open for… 7 years? so far no applicant has been fluent in English, which is definitely a requirement.

    3. GreenApplePie*

      I’m just amazed that she can get anything done without saving files ANYWHERE.

      1. Ciela*

        She can answer the phone, and write up job tickets. Usually. but save the files other people need to actually do the job ticket? bwah ha ha!

  17. Dovima*

    Ooooh, I’m this person. To be clear, I do know that I am wrong to be this person. The reason I’ve gone with not speaking to my colleague is that I don’t seem to have any other choices to avoid their condescension and bullying. I’ve talked to my boss, and their position is that I just have to deal. My position is that I deserve a workplace that is free of condescension and bullying. The only way to get that appears to be to stop speaking to this colleague.

    Not looking for advice here. I already know I’m wrong.

    1. allathian*

      Your manager is failing to manage so he’s failing to do his job. You’re doing what you can to preserve your own mental health. Your manager is at fault for not doing his job.

  19. toolegittoresign*

    I cannot imagine choosing to remain at a job where I hate a coworker so much that I can’t even bear to speak to them, even when it’s critical to my work. Both of these people need to do themselves a favor and find another job.

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