weekend open thread – May 24-25, 2025

by Alison Green on May 23, 2025
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This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Love Elixir of Augusta Stern, by Lynda Cohen Loigman. A retired pharmacist moves to a retirement community in Florida, where she reconnects with a man from her past. The story alternates between their relationship in the present day and what happened between them when they were growing up in Brooklyn in the 1920s.

(Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

{ 806 comments }

{ 806 comments… read them below }

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Yesterday’s small world moment (in which the answer to “I wonder if coworkers ever recognize one another from postings here” is now definitively yes!) made my week, and there was also no small relief that if someone was going to recognize me it was due to a comment about post-it notes and not like, my opinion of our HR team or something. (I have reasons, I swear. :p )

      We also succeeded at the escape room we did this morning, so that was great fun and a good way to lead up to the three day weekend.

    2. Rogue Slime Mold*

      Last week’s root canal just may have triggered a chain of connections that culminates in “Oh hey wait, this ongoing health thing could be a drug side effect.”

    3. hummingbird*

      After a bumpy start to my work trip, I ran into a coworker friend (we are in completely separate work groups so colleagues).

    4. Old Plant Woman*

      Got my ancient heavy clunky rototiller fixed, finally. Not a toy for wimps. And I still have the muscle and grits to run it through my compost pile.

    5. Filosofickle*

      Three strangers this week told me they liked my hair — I’ve been growing out my silver, and this is so reassuring!

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        The hostess at breakfast said “You are the sign I’ve been waiting for! I want to color my hair and I said when I see someone rocking pink or purple hair, I’ll know it’s right!” I do indeed have fuschia hair with a purple streak.

    6. Might Be Spam*

      Graduated from square dance school this week. There were official graduation decorations and music to go with our diplomas. Then we had a receiving line with all the club members, to shake hands and get hugs. Afterwards we had lots of snacks. They take their snacks very seriously.

    7. Don’t make me come over there*

      I bought plane tickets to see friends in July! We live in three different states and are rarely able to get together, so it’s a big deal!

    8. Geriatric Rocker*

      Putting a quilt on the bed instead of just a sheet as the nights are finally cooling down (last night got down to 4.8C). No more fan needed!

      1. StudentA*

        Are you in South America or something? Australia? Where is it getting colder for you?

        1. Arrietty*

          I’m in the UK and the weather has finally broken after several weeks of heat that would be unusual for August. Though we’ve not got down to 4.8°c yet.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            The weather is so weird now. It’s below normal or above normal all the time, it seems.

              1. Mommadog*

                Climate cycles all the time. We just don’t live long enough to notice. Read The Little Ice Age.. fascinating facts!

        2. Geriatric Rocker*

          West Australia, where winter is known to be short lived, with very cold nights, rather pleasant days (it’s going to be 24 on Thursday) and the occasional rain.

    9. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      I did a train + bike trip to a nearby big city, spent time with colleagues, ate a sandwich in the sunshine, went to a great evening event with wonderful speakers who are fearless and fierce talking about their work for equity and justice, took the train back. Delightful day!

      1. Bethlam*

        This sounds wonderful. I love bike + train trips. Have done a few on the GAP/C&O, and for my 70th birthday next year, my sister and I are doing the Erie Canal trail. Biking Buffalo to Albany and taking a train back to Buffalo.

        1. jez chickena*

          I came upon the Erie Canal on a work trip. We were there juuussst long enough to take a few walks and one run. I haven’t gotten back there yet, but I really enjoyed it. Have a fantastic trip!

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Actual nice weather for Memorial Day weekend! Doesn’t matter too much since I’ll be working, but it’s usually rainy so it’s a nice change.

    11. RLC*

      Got a locksmith to open my parents’ safe which had been jammed shut for 15+ years. To my delight the contents included family photos I’d never seen before, including an adorable snapshot (circa 1899) of my dad’s father as a tot with his cat on his lap as well as a whole group of holiday photos (circa 1953) in which my mom’s father’s dog photobombed nearly every image.

        1. RLC*

          Parents kept saying “we’ll get it figured out one of these days” for years, never happened. After their deaths it became my responsibility (and I didn’t want to have to move a heavy unopened safe cross country to my home). Better to open, sort contents, and move only the things I want to keep. Worked out well.

      2. recipetrying*

        Wow how fun. I have found photos from the 30’s when my Dad was a little boy. Some he was smiling and others pretty grim attitude. It is fun. Glad you got in.

    12. Happily Retired*

      One of our young chickens laid her – and our – first egg today! We’d talked about getting chickens for years, and after multiple disasters, natural and otherwise, last fall, we decided to do Lockdown v.2, hunker down at home, work on the garden, and get 3 chickens. So we did!

    13. Aphrodite*

      Changing my bed sheets from winter (flannel) to summer (percale). I love that crispy feeling that low thread count (but high quality) percale sheets give.

      1. allathian*

        Percale sheets have a high thread count (200 per inch) but thin threads. Had to look it up because I didn’t even know what it was.

        I usually sleep naked, so how the sheets feel against the skin is important to me, but my preferences are the opposite of most people because I prefer rough, unironed, cheap cotton! Without that rough feel the sheets feel dirty to me, we don’t even use fabric softeners. I don’t like the feel of ironed hotel room sheets on work trips, and silk and satin are completely unthinkable.

        1. Aphrodite*

          Interesting. I will have to look that up too. You often see sheets boasting high thread counts (800! 1000!) but I prefer a much lower count so they feel crisp and even, like you, a bit rough. I sleep naked too and I love that crisp feeling against my skin. I really don’t get the love people have for soft sheets; they give me an icky, stick-to-me feeling and in warm weather that is particularly yucky. (But I do not like it at any time.)

          allathian, where you do get your sheets? I get mine at LLBean.

        2. Clisby*

          I wouldn’t call 200 thread count high – you can easily find much, much higher thread count sheets for sale.

          1. Treena*

            They mean low. Percale has a lower thread count but it feels like a higher count than what it is.

            1. Clisby*

              I wish I could find the old 140 thread count sheets, but no luck so far. I do not want my sheets to feel all silky. I want them to feel crisp and crunchy.

            2. allathian*

              Nope, I’m in Finland, and here thread counts for cotton sheets are apparently lower than in the US. 200 threads per inch counts as high, and I’ve never seen, never mind slept in, sheets with a higher thread count than 500, and that was in a 4-star hotel and the sheets were straight up unpleasant to sleep in (the thread count was mentioned in a fact sheet about the amenities of the room). Here the standard for normal sheets is around 100, our cheap Ikea sheets are something like 50. And that’s the way I like it, because like Clisby I want my sheets crispy.

              1. Treena*

                What I meant is that for the feeling/quality, percale has a lower thread count than you’d expect. So a percale 200 thread count sheet will feel softer and nicer than a 200 non-percale sheet. So someone who wants the lower thread count “feel” shouldn’t get percale. Percale is also nice in hot weather, so it makes sense that it’s not super common in nordic countries.

                In in my European country, Ikea sells percale (ULLVIDE, 200 thread count) at a good price, but also sheets of lower quality (DVALA, ~150thread count) and higher quality (NATTJASMIN, 310 thread count) I don’t think Ikea has the market to support high end bedding, but I’ve seen 500 as a standard option in other stores. Maybe Finland is exceptional in this sense.

      2. Pennyworth*

        I once slept in linen sheets when visiting a friend. They are amazing, and are on my bucket list.

        1. Six Feldspar*

          I got my first set of linen/viscose sheets a few months ago and they were fantastic for summer, but I’m also surprised and impressed at how well they’re doing as we move into winter. They seem to take in any moisture from overnight so the bed itself feels dry but they don’t overheat or get clammy like cotton has done for me previously. I’m looking out for the next time they’re on sale for more!

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            linen is wonderful for wicking moisture. I got one set of sheets as a gift many years ago, and if I can ever afford it, I want bedding out of heavy rough linen like 1970z tablecloth weight.

    14. allathian*

      The birch tree bloom is finally tapering off, the pollen has been horrible this year.

      Now the pines have started, but I’m not allergic to them, even if everything is covered in yellow dust.

      Summer is nearly here.

      1. Rogue Slime Mold*

        We’re a few weeks off from our annual “The pine trees just attempt to mate with everything in the outdoors, hoping some of it is another pine tree.”

        2. RLC*

          Now I will be unable to shake the image of pine trees in late spring sharing their pollen with the 1970s song “Love is in the Air” playing in my head. (We’re in the NW US and every outdoor surface will soon be yellow with pine pollen.)

          1. Mommadog*

            We are finally dine with the pine pollen in SC. Now we have other pollen bc stuff blooms year roundI think except Dec.
            Covered in yellow dust, indeed. You could literally wash your car every day its so thick. Car washes are loving it

        1. Mitchell Hundred*

          Okay, this sounds cool, although if I did it I’d be worried about accidentally punching someone.

          1. Six Feldspar*

            The place I went to had little patches of glow in the dark tape to help people find spots and it’s not absolute pitch black, I was able to see silhouettes of people as my eyes adjusted. It was really fun but the music was very loud so I’ve bought a pair of concert earplugs for next time

    17. Alex*

      I had one of those magical interactions that sometimes happen with someone I have a crush on.

    18. Facs*

      new dog! youngish and from the SPCA. He is of indeterminate origin and loves everyone. Picked up 4 tasks in a day. He has these lovely bat wing ears.

    20. Mitchell Hundred*

      I don’t know if this counts as a joyful thing, but I enforced a personal boundary just a few minutes after it was violated, which I don’t think I’ve ever done before. At least I haven’t enforced it with this particular issue.

    21. Mimmy*

      Yesterday was the first time in over two weeks I wasn’t in agony with neck/shoulder spasms (see post down-thread). I’m not 100% but it’s progress!

    22. Trixie Belden is my hero*

      I finally finished redecorating/reorganizing/decluttering my bedroom to make it a more restful place. I started when I moved in almost 2 years ago with a perfect mattress. (Purple,worth every penny) It took me a long time to find the right colors for the rug, curtains, bedding and to rearrange or remove the stuff/furniture that I was not using. It makes me happy whenever I go in there now.

    23. BellStell*

      Seeing friends
      Drying my laundry on my balcony is sun
      Making a nice veggie stirfry for three meals
      Sleeping 12 hrs Friday night after sleeping only 3 Thurs night
      Being done with a workshop
      Plants and my balcony garden
      So a lot brought me joy this week

    25. Frieda*

      My YA kids are both home at the same time (one for the summer, one for a family graduatio) and I took DD to an estate sale yesterday, just while we were out running errands and found a couple of fun things – one more in a set of vintage pie plates she collects, and a bit of cabbageware that I found charming. It’s so nice to see them and to see them together – they’re close in a way that really warms my heart.

    26. Reluctant Mezzo*

      Got my colonoscopy (it’s been er, 14 years since the last one) out of the way. Two polyps, now at the lab where they’re asking ‘are you a good cell or a bad cell?’ Did not like the prep…

    27. Bibliovore*

      Two dear friends of mine who are part of very separate parts of my life, got to talking on a historic walking tour in France AND discovered that they each knew me! And as a result I got to connect again with someone who I hadn’t seen in years and also got great recommendations of where to stay and what to do when I am in Paris this summer.

    28. SalieriAffettuoso*

      This week: family and I went on a four-day vacation to a place we’ve frequented enough to be familiar with it. I put together the itinerary and had to change plans more than a few times, but despite the hitches it was still a wonderful vacation with great sights/activities, eats and shops. Got some stuff to treat me & my boyfriend, and did a lot of reading too.

      It also made me realize the benefits of not staring too long at an electronic device.

      Today: lined up superearly to a vendor’s market happening in my area; got a line-related incentive gift bag. Found myself pitching in at points, notably to manage one of their tables. Eventually was somehow was left to handle it on my own. At that point I worked up the courage to ask the organizer for help, as it’d been a while since I’d sat down in general and by then it was getting too unbearable. Organizer was apologetic/grateful enough to give me an additional, /larger/ gift bag. Got to pitch an idea I’d had to them as well, and that went well enough that I’m hoping we’ll stay in touch.

    30. Irish Teacher.*

      I had two students tell me I was their favourite teacher and a third thank me for all my help this year and tell me I was a good teacher.

    32. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Training my terrier is to the point I can let him run off lead in our yard (large, enclosed by woods not fence). He’s finally got the stick chasing thing down– and when he picks it up, he gallops laps across the yard leaping the gutter drain and front walk like a horse.

    33. allathian*

      Sunday brunch at a restaurant with my friends. It was a first for us and we’re definitely doing it again, great fun! I’ll probably post this again next week, but my excuse is that our week starts on Monday, so Sunday for me was last week (Monday morning here now).

      We met downtown and afterwards I went to my favorite brick and mortar bookstore and found three Christies I haven’t read before (Endless Night, The ABC Murders, Five Little Pigs), and two other books by some of my favorite authors.

    34. KaboomCheese*

      The peonies in the front yard are blooming and look amazing. And the poppies in the wildflower corner of the garden are really getting going.

  2. MozartBookNerd*

    Protest rally participants, how do you make large, easily-readable signs or banners? Handwriting on brown cardboard won’t cut the mustard . . . .

    I’m advance-planning to participate over the next few weeks, for the first time. I want some signs or banners, to be held by 1 person or 2 people, hopefully with custom-made messages. I don’t mind paying $50 or $100 or even more, though I also want to keep the process simple.

    Have people used Café Press? Or I heard UPS will follow instructions in making a design but that seems odd? Or I dunno, TaskRabbit but that seems burdensome?

    So far, I’ve tried with Café Press, but their design-your-own options seem pretty limited. For example, I can’t get nice big text over anything other than a plain white background. And, they offer 6-foot-long banners but the images on most of them are only 4 feet, with an empty 1-foot margin on each side!

    Grateful for any tips!

    1. hummingbird*

      Staples makes signs but experience with that. Does FedEx Kinkos still exist? They used to signs. And probably Office Depot/Max, whatever is left of those.

      Instead of brown cardboard how about poster board?

      2. Filosofickle*

        FedEx Kinkos does still exist, and I looked at having some printed at Office Depot.

        Large is relative. I’ve chosen portability and ease over scale, using 16×20 foam-cor and a pack of markers. I practice things out on an extra piece to get the spacing right, then just go to town and make lettering as bold as I can. Foam board is light enough to hold up for a long time, and I think it’s plenty visible! Poster board works too but it’s flimsier at bigger sizes. I wouldn’t want to wrangle a huge banner, personally.

      3. hummingbird*

        Wow I’m failing at coherent posting tonight!
        I have no experience with Staples printing I meant.

    2. Hazel*

      Have you googled ‘banner printing my city’? Or large format printing? Then you can paste it on cardboard or whatever. Design can take some skill but if it’s just words you should be ok

    3. Peanut Hamper*

      If you are willing to print these yourself, the option you want is called “tiling”. Basically, your document format is larger than your paper size, and the printer prints out pieces that you can tape or glue together like…wait for it….tiles. You could do this kind of thing and attach them to a cheap plastic tarp or something similar, like a few yards of muslin.

      Probably not what you want, but just throwing it out there for the record.

    4. Alex*

      Are you set on having them professionally done? I just get some foam board and use paint or sharpies.

    5. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      At our community rallies in April, people had banners that consisted of big individual letters on clear plastic(?) backgrounds, strung on a line like a clothesline held by two people with poles the line was tied to. Think of the big Happy Birthday banners you can buy for a party and you have the idea. The background material the letters were mounted on could easily have been the kind of clear plastic sleeves you get to protect documents so this could be pretty homemade.

      The message can be in two rows for added verbiage. I imagine the weight of the line and letters has a maximum load limit depending on what you’re using for line.

      1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

        Oooh that’s an interesting idea for a rally banner!
        You could also laminate the letters for durability.

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          Absolutely on the lamination. They were really eye-catching because they weren’t like every other poster board. ai can also imagine having several sets of letters of the alphabet with repeats of the commonly used letters and changing this up if you set it up so you can slide the letters on and off. Customizable for every event.

    6. MozartBookNerd*

      I think I do want to get them made commercially (I’m not very handy). From Google I do see some local sign-making places, so that’s encouraging.

      I think the “design” part would be minimal — For example just the Statue of Liberty’s arm and torch. Or one of those big red circles with a red line through a word, to be determined . . .

      1. Reba*

        Talk to a local print shop.
        FedEx office would be my second choice depending on pricing. A yard sign type product is rigid and lightweight.

        1. MozartBookNerd*

          Yes I was thinking a couple of yeard signs, complete with those wire little legs and frames, and I’d just hold them up by the wire legs!

          In addition to a big banner that my spouse and I would both hold.

          1. WellRed*

            I would stay away from the little wire legs in a crowd. Wouldn’t want to poke someone.

          2. Reba*

            Maybe paint stir sticks for the handle? I’m nervous at the thought of those wires if it gets densely crowded or jostle-y.

            1. Jackalope*

              Yeah, I would definitely recommend paint sticks or other small, flat sticks (I’d ask the people at the shop where you go if they have a suggestion). Easier to hold on to than wire and less likely to poke someone (including yourself).

            2. ReallyBadPerson*

              They confiscated those at the protest I went to in April. Absolutely no sticks allowed. We had posters, but I’m using foam board next time.

    7. Loopy*

      This probably isnt a concetn if professionally printed, but i learned that jard way with a marker drawn sign that a stick to hold it up is a good investment. I had black marker rub off on my fingers and smudge the sign in the heat pretty quickly!

      Even if not making it homemade, I’d recommend a stick because holding mine above my head was tiring pretty quickly!

    8. Lady Alys*

      Walgreens photo printing can do 6- or 8-foot vinyl banners and 16×20″ or 20×30″ posterboard images for not very much money (50-percent-off coupons online are always available). They are usually ready in 24 hours or less too.

    9. Girasol*

      Staples has presentation boards that are white on the outsides and foam in between for stiffness. They also have markers that are an inch wide, if you’re drawing your own letters. A friend has been taking computer drawings to Walgreens for printing and mounting those on foam presentation boards. That said, what are folks using to mount long handles on them?

    10. Kathenus*

      Years ago for a march for science I found some cool posters online, purchased the digital version, then had FedEx Kinkos print and laminate them. I used a yardstick or similar, and mounted them both to it so I had a cool, colorful, two-sided sign.

      1. AnonyOne*

        Actually the 2-sided thing can be really important depending on what type of event you are at. I was once at a political campaign event where the (fairly new) candidate’s staff had made one-sided signs. The audience did what you would expect and held the signs facing the candidate as he spoke. Unfortunately, the TV cameras were behind the audience so the video image was signs with no information on them. If you want your message to get out, double sided is very helpful, even at a march or similar event, there can be moments when your sign is turned away from potential viewers/cameras.

    11. Jackalope*

      Another random thought that you can take or leave: go for signs pushing for the world you want, not complaining about the world we have now. Either is fine, and both can make useful points. But I think there’s value in talking about what we want to see rather than giving the bad stuff more oxygen.

    12. Reluctant Mezzo*

      Dollar Tree has both white board and blackboard, and the blackboard and different colored chalks work really well.

    13. Elizabeth*

      I bought latex stick-on letters from a craft store, along with poster board, clear packing tape and duct tape from the hardware store. I used the letters to create my message, then finished securing them with the clear tape. I then created a sandwich board by making a duct tape shoulder harness.

      After the first outing, I cut backing board from a shipping box and duct-taped it to the back of each side of the sandwich. That keeps the poster board from bending and curling.

      This setup has made it through every-other-week protests since late March.

    14. SuprisinglyADHD*

      In my town, there’s a big independent printing company. Even though they mostly advertise screen-printed T-shirts, they handle everything from banners to notary stamps to logo embroidery. If you type “print shop” or “banner maker” into google maps, you might find someplace close to you that can do the work, and I’ve found that the reviews there are usually pretty helpful (pay attention to WHY the one-star reviews are complaining, often it’s something unreasonable or something that you personally don’t mind).

    15. Indolent Libertine*

      We had some white foam-core in the garage, and we used our computer to create and print out the words we wanted, in color and giant font, one to a page, and then cut those out and glued them to the foam core. We had a couple of scrap wood sticks in the corner too, so we taped those to the back of the foam core. One of the sticks was kind of rough so I wound masking tape all around it to ward off splinters. I personally preferred looking “obviously spontaneously homemade.”

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Decades ago my high school group made a banner out of colored fabric–just yardage from a fabric store. We painted on it with (I think) latex house paint. The hardest part was poles and ropes so it didn’t droop and become unreadable.

  3. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading and give or request recs! Anyone using some of this long (in the US) weekend to get some reading in?

    I finished Aunt Tigress, the book I was reading last weekend, and have moved back into some Seanan McGuire. The one I just started was What If Wanda Maximoff and Peter Parker Were Siblings? It’s (perhaps obviously) a Marvel multiverse book, which isn’t generally my thing, but I enjoy her writing a lot and I’m having fun so far.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve been rereading the Worldwar series by Harry Turtledove, in which aliens invade the earth during WWII. I’m almost done with the first part of the series – it’s four books, a 15 year or so break, three more books, and then a major location shift for the eighth book. I enjoy them quite a bit.

    2. old curmudgeon*

      I read Pat Murphy’s newest book “The Adventures of Mary Darling” this week and THOROUGHLY enjoyed it.

      It’s a retelling of J.M. Barrie’s Peter Pan, told from the point of view of Mary Darling, the mother of Wendy, John and Michael. From her perspective, her children have been kidnapped, and she is desperate to find them.

      Turns out Mary Darling’s maiden name is Watson, and her much loved Uncle John has a good friend who is a well-known consulting detective. So the book turns into a mashup of Peter Pan and Sherlock Holmes, one that is told by a staunchly feminist author who portrays those two characters in a decidedly different way than their original privileged white male Victorian writers did. They’re not quite villains in Murphy’s version, but they’re definitely not the heroes either.

      In Murphy’s retelling, “Tiger Lily” (one of the most disturbingly racist elements in the original Peter Pan) is part of a troupe of Native American performers who fled the United States to keep their children from being kidnapped by the federal government and sent to residential schools to be “de-Indianized.” The troupe was traveling in a ship that was shipwrecked near Neverland, which is how Native Americans wound up on a tropical island off the coast of Madagascar.

      At first I found the narrative style a bit off-putting; it’s very dispassionate, almost clinical in the way Mary Darling’s adventures are described. But I wound up concluding that that tone was likely intentional, as a contrast to the drama and hyperbole found in the typical Victorian “penny dreadfuls,” and at least for me, it really worked.

      My copy of the book is currently on my spouse’s TBR pile, and I am contemplating sneaking it back out for a second read before he gets to it. This is one of those books that I read very quickly the first time to see what happens, but then I want to go back through it a second time to find and savor the nuances I hurried over the first time.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        You might like Theodora Goss’s Athena Club trilogy. The main characters are the daughters/experimental subjects of literary mad scientists (Mary Jekyll and Diana Hyde, Justine Frankenstein, etc.) They meet each other and end up investing the scientific society their fathers belonged to. The author knows her gothic literature, and there’s good bit of Dracula, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Frankenstin, Sherlock Holmes, Carmilla, as well as less well known stuff like Rappacinni’s Daughter by Mark Twain and The Great God Pan by Arthur Machen.

        There’s also an interesting narrative structure and a strong feminist element, and it’s great fun.

      2. Pam Adams*

        I’ve started it! Another good Sherlockian book is The Angel of the Crows by Katherine Addison.

      3. Teapot Translator*

        I’m reading The Tomb of Dragons by Katherine Addison and I think it’s turning into a hate-read? I’ll finish it just to be contrary (halfway through), but I’m pretty sure I won’t enjoy it…

        2. Magdalena*

          I’ve read the first three books in the series and they are great.
          This one is different and I did not finish it but I’m planning on trying again sometime.

          1. Annie H*

            I was really surprised by a plot development in wait! what? kind of way but I ended up loving the book just as much as the previous ones. I don’t know if Katherine Addison will write another novel with Celehar as the main character but I feel there is now a lot of space for new stories.

        3. Aneurin*

          I just finished it yesterday and I also didn’t like it as much as the others in the series, though I wanted to! The pacing felt really off, and (no spoilers) it ended especially abruptly.

          It felt overall a little… unedited? And/or as if Addison was trying to jam about three books’ worth of plot & character development into one.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Started Chuck Wendig’s new one — The Staircase in the Woods. A literal staircase in the actual woods, supernatural of course. So far it has a very IT-like feel where the scattered group of friends come back to confront the evil (?) staircase that disappeared one of their friends long ago. I hope it’s scary. :)

    4. Teacher Lady*

      I’m definitely hoping to get some high-quality reading time this weekend – and that should be manageable, the weather is supposed to be lousy, so I may as well sit on the couch with a stack of books within arms’ reach!

      This week I picked up a lot of slack from the front half of the month, propelled by some excellent reads. I finished The Lion Women of Tehran by Marjan Kamali (which I’d started just before last weekend’s open thread). I read 2 books that are definitely vying for my best read of 2025: Greta & Valdin by Rebecca K. Reilly (a previous Alison rec!) and My Documents by Kevin Nguyen. Folks, I know I said this about two books last month, but STOP what you are doing and go read both of these. Greta & Valdin was so messy and so loving, and My Documents (the actual book has a tilde over the Y for reasons) was an extremely relatable dystopian speculative fiction, which is not normally a genre I’m drawn to.

      I also finished Kinda Korean by Joan Sung (good read-alike for Stephanie Foo’s memoir What My Bones Know, check your content warnings) and Dating Dr. Dil by Nisha Sharma (I have some reservations about the MMC but loved the FMC and the heat level).

      Currently about halfway through Dragon Hoops by Gene Luen Yang, which is my first graphic novel for AAPI month and my first by this author.

    5. CTT*

      Read Time Out of Joint in one sitting today (long train journey) and it’s probably the least depressing Philip K. Dick I’ve read. Low bar, but still! I enjoyed it.

    6. Andria M*

      I absolutely loved “The Square of Sevens” by Laura Shepherd-Robinson. It’s a multi-layered mystery set in 18th-century England. It follows Red, a clever young fortune teller raised by her father to read fortunes using a mysterious method called the Square of Sevens. After his death, she sets out to uncover the truth about her parentage, becoming entangled in a web of family secrets, deception, and danger. I also gave the audiobook version a go because I needed something to listen to while traveling, and it is fantastically narrated by Imogen Wilde. I highly recommend either version.

    7. GoryDetails*

      House of Salt and Sorrows by Erin A. Craig, a kind of dark-fantasy spin on “The Twelve Dancing Princesses” – which opens with the funeral of the fourth of the princesses to die before her time, so… yeah? The setting is VERY atmospheric so far, and while there are clearly some pretty nasty forces at work, I’m intrigued to see where it will go.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        I read that recently and then the sequel, The House of Root and Ruin. Enjoy!

      2. Reba*

        I have a sort of joke rule that I don’t read books with portentous “Noun of Noun and Noun” titles … But I might have to give this a try!

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Just finished the Stephen Fry Odyssey, which was terrific. Now I want all his books in the hardcover editions for Christmas.

      Continuing with The Woman In White, and am just up to Miriam and Laura’s attempts to re-locate Anne Catherick and learn the secret Laura’s shitty husband is concealing! It’s been so long since I read it last time I can’t really remember what the secret was.

      Also rereading Divine Might, by Natalie Haynes. I really love her stuff and am going to pick up some of her novels.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’ve been listening to the Mythos/Heroes/Odyssey series in audiobook – usually I am not an audiobook person so I’m taking forever to get through them. But Stephen Fry narrates them himself and it’s just cozy and conversational, like he’s sitting there in the corner of my living room enjoying telling me about this topic that he clearly loves to share with folks. His writing style lends itself well to his narration style.

      2. Teacher Lady*

        I’ve read a couple of Natalie Haynes’ books (although not Divine Might), and I’ve enjoyed them! Jennifer Saint also does good Greek mythology retellings.

    9. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      Officially DNFd *The Gangster of Love*. I tried a mystery novel about a matchmaker whose business gets sabotaged, *Matchmaker* by Aisha Saeed, but I couldn’t get into it and skipped to the end. At least I know what happens!

      A friend got me Diana Wynne Jones’s *Howl’s Moving Castle* (I think someone said that was their favorite cozy book here?) and another fantasy novel. That is not usually my genre, but my friend has very good taste, so I am hopeful!

    11. Mushroom magic*

      My favorite read last week was Careless People, the Facebook expose that Facebook tried to get banned. It was excellent- a week written quick read with an engaging narrator. And wow, I had low expectations for the ethics of Facebook leadership and they tunneled under that bar.

    12. Theon, Theon, it rhymes with neon*

      I’ve finished Say Nothing, There Will Be Fire, and Four Shots in the Night. Any recs for similar nonfiction thrillers about Irish history in the 1910s and 1920s? Something I could read in an airport. I’ve read Morgan Llywelyn, but that’s fiction, and I’m looking for nonfiction.

      Thanks!

    13. Reg*

      Listening to Kairos by Jenny Erpenbeck. Not….liking it. Anyone else read/listened to it? What did you think?

    14. Helvetica*

      I finished Tove Ditlevsen’s “Copenhagen Trilogy”, which is her autobiography about growing up in quite poor Copenhagen in 1920s, becoming a young adult and getting addicted. And it was mesmerising. Her style is so cutting, so simple and clear that it just cuts right through you. Her contemplations about her inner self, her relations with her family and later young men and friends was both agonising and beautiful. Truly, would highly recommend to anyone.

    15. Six Feldspar*

      I’m currently in the middle of Slough House by Mick Herron and I like the darkly humorous undertone. It reminds me a lot of the Rebus novels by Ian Rankin.

    16. Loopy*

      I’m surprised at how much I’ve been enjoying the Dr. Greta Helsing novels. They arent the best books I’ve read in that I wont be raving wildly about them but they are such easy, quick reads that dont try to be anything other than what they are. I found I’m loving easy, character driven book series where I can fall in love with characters. I also did read A Marvellous Light and its sequels by Freya Marske which I also adored.

      If anyone has any other recs along those lines in the urban fantasy/fantasy/romantasy genres Id welcome them! Right now any dark and serious books are not my jam.

      1. Lizard*

        My go to for urban fantasy is the Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs! The first book is Moon Called.

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          You may be the reason I’ve read through that entire series and the Alpha and Omega companion series. I live in Washington state so it’s especially fun to read books set in the Tri-Cities with an occasional trip to Spokane, where I used to live. A different setting than most urban fantasy–not a place everyone has heard of, like Seattle.

          1. Lizard*

            I’ve been spreading them out between other books, so I’m not nearly as far along! But I was just thinking that it’s about time to read another one.

      2. Aneurin*

        Have you read any of the Invisible Library books by Genevieve Cogman? World-hopping urban-ish fantasy with badass librarians, and not particularly dark or serious!

        1. carcinization*

          I was also going to recommend these. My understanding is that the series is complete-for-now so that works for folks who don’t read incomplete series as well!

    17. ecnaseener*

      I’m about halfway through a nonfiction, “The Fabric of Civilization: How Textiles Made the World” by Virginia Postrel. It’s great! Lots of cool info, very accessible.

      1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Virginia Postrel was the editor at the libertarian Reason Magazine once upon a time. Does her economic philosophy show up in this?

        Every since someone pointed out online (possibly here) just how much labor went into textiles I’ve thought about that when I watch or read a period piece. Bridgerton–so many, many yards of fabric! So much lace and trim! So many hours of work by children! I knit for fun and occasionally sew and can’t understand how it was even possible to clothe whole families working by hand when you also needed to feed and house them with your work.

        1. goddessoftransitory*

          I’m rereading Pandora’s Jar, about women in ancient Greek myth, and the chapter on Cytemnestra emphasized the scene in the play Agammenon where she lays down scarlet cloths for him to walk upon and reenter his palace (in case you don’t know, she promptly slays him, for very good reasons.) Natalie Haynes, the author, points out how this is an act of hubris on Aggie’s part because of the insane cost of labor, materials and commitment it took to weave that fabric–it is literally trampling on the strength of his house.

        2. ecnaseener*

          I haven’t noticed any libertarian points thus far, but now I’ll have my eye open for them, that’s interesting!

          And yeah, the book really gets into just how much labor it all took. Starting with just spinning the thread — you’re talking weeks or months of labor just to spin enough thread or yarn to weave into enough fabric for a garment! Then more weeks and months of weaving it! And that’s for a garment – now think of sails for your ships!

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        If you’re interested you might also try The Golden Thread: How Fabric Changed History, by Kassia St Clair.

    18. Tea Monk*

      The Dad Rock that Made Me a Woman. Some heavy material ( it’s been 4 chapters and there’s been death and threatened sexual assault and bullies) but man, can she style some prose! There’s also insight into bands I really love

      1. cleo*

        Oh, I have that on my library waitlist. I enjoyed her essays for Autostraddle. Glad to hear it’s good so far.

    19. GoryDetails*

      I’ve started another volume in one of my favorite manga series, “What Did You Eat Yesterday? by Fumi Yoshinaga. It’s a slice-of-life/cooking series in which a gay couple (lawyer Shiro, not out at work, and hairdresser Kenji, very much out everywhere) cope with their relationship, their respective jobs, and their regular meal-planning at home. Low-key, though sometimes the problems of aging parents or a tight budget come into the story. This one’s Vol. 21, and our heroes are in their late ’50s now – and are having some fun snarkery over their respective aches and pains. And there are some charming scenes in which our heroes admit that they prefer cooking something the other will enjoy, even if they bicker about the shopping list at times.

    20. Nervous Nellie*

      Still luxuriating in the Mendelsohn and Fry treatments of The Odyssey, but my ‘carrying around book,’ this week is Johnston McCulley’s The Mark of Zorro. Swashbuckling pulpy goodness! It’s a giggle.

    21. Lizard*

      I’ve been in a bit of a slump since finishing the Daevabad trilogy, but I think I’m on my way out of it.

      I finished Maddadam, the third book in Margaret Atwood’s Maddadam trilogy. I didn’t like it as much as the other two, but I enjoyed the series overall.

      I re-read I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman for one of my bookclubs. The narrator is a woman who was raised in a bunker alongside 39 other women, but she was the only child and the only one who had no memories from before the bunker. The book is really an exploration of what it means to be human when you’ve been entirely removed from society, and it’s been a 5 star read both times.

      I’ve just started The Fox Wife by Yangsze Choo and Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar. I’m only a few chapters into each, but I’m enjoying them both so far!

    22. slowlyaging*

      Touch the Top of the World: A Blind Man’s Journey to Climb Farther than the Eye Can See: Erik Weihenmayer. His story is fascinating. He became a 5th grade teacher and climbed 5 summits. My friends consensus is teaching 5th grade is scarier

    24. Catherine*

      I finished The Tiger’s wife on the recommendation of someone here, and it was very good.

      Also The Daughters Of Kobani. I honestly didn’t feel it was that well written, but the true story is just so amazing – it’s about the young Kurdish women in the YPJ who fought ISIS.

    25. Tiny Clay Insects*

      I just started Picnic at Hanging Rock, a book I’ve wanted to read for ages. I’m looking forward to diving in!

      1. Rara Avis*

        The movie version freaked me out — I was probably a bit too young when I saw it.

      2. Treena*

        It’s soo good! But make sure you skip the introduction unless you want to know the mystery. (Her editor made thr right choice in cutting the last chapter/reveal from the original manuscript)

    26. Aneurin*

      Finished:
      – The Tomb of Dragons by Katherine Addison, which I didn’t enjoy as much as I wanted to. I’ve liked the other two Cemeteries of Amalo books but this one didn’t work for me (see comment elsewhere).
      – A Thousand Ships by Natalie Haynes. The Trojan War & aftermath as told through the eyes of the women (and some of the goddesses) in the story. It was… fine? I love Haynes’ comedy (Natalie Haynes Stands Up For The Classics) but for me, this one didn’t live up to the reviews.

      Currently listening to:
      – Dumb Witness by Agatha Christie, narrated by Hugh Fraser, aka Captain Hastings from the David Suchet Poirot TV series. An absolute delight, due to Fraser’s wonderful narration, with spot-on voices for all the characters (including Bob the terrier).
      – Colditz by Ben MacIntyre. A fascinating non-fiction account of the famous “escape-proof” (spoiler: not so much!) POW prison of WWII. The audiobook is narrated by the author, and is very good. (I recently, though not this week, also read MacIntyre’s Operation Mincemeat (in paperback) which is absolutely a case of truth being stranger than fiction – and now, an incredible musical!)

    27. CheerfulGinger*

      I recently finished The Once and Future Witches, by Alix E. Harrow. Fictional story set around the time of the suffrage movement in the US, but perhaps women can do magic if they have the words, the ways, and the will. I very much enjoyed the story of the three sisters. I liked it so much I got another book by her, The Starling House. Very different setting, but compelling characters and action packed. Highly recommend both!

      1. CheerfulGinger*

        I am currently reading on of Allison’s recent recommendations, Three Junes. Anyone else? I have finished the 1st June and halfway through the 2nd June.

    28. carcinization*

      I just finished Johnson’s Those Beyond the Wall. It’s kind of a sequel, and I liked it even better than the first book, I think.

    29. Rara Avis*

      Bone by Bone by Carol O’Connell. Somehow I miss asked this one when I was readingvher z Mallory novels. I always feel like I’m missing something when I read her stuff.

    30. SalieriAffettuoso*

      Finished up on No More Tears by Gardiner Harris yesterday. A tough read, but an important one that lays out a product-by-product explanation of Johnson & Johnson’s corruption. Truly infuriating, though, and very exhausting to see J&J hardly get any accountability over the decades. It will make you hate capitalism all the more.

      I’ve read What If Wanda Maximoff and Peter Parker Were Siblings before, and absolutely loved it. :D Not sure how the rest of those multiverse prose books (the Iron Man & Moon Knight ones) square up, though.

    31. Dancing Otter*

      I just finished “The Retired Assassin’s Guide to Country Gardening”. Sadly, the sequel won’t be available until December.
      His online AA meetings – Assassins Anonymous – celebrate how many days without killing anyone. Non-lethal mayhem doesn’t count, apparently.

      Now I’m rereading Barbara Hambly’s Silicon Mage trilogy on Kindle Unlimited.

    32. Bluebell Brenham*

      Two “ok but not amazing “ books this week. The Lionness of Boston was about Isabella Stewart Gardner, and really focused on her early years in Boston when she felt she didn’t fit in. The Life Cycle of the Common Octopus by Emma Knight only really has one mention of octopi and it’s when the book is 3/4 done. But it’s a fairly well written tale of a young Canadian woman at college in Scotland, and her interactions with a titled family who used to be close friends with her father long ago.

    33. Dontbeadork*

      Just finished one of Alan Bradley’s Flavia de Luce books, The Grave’s a Fine and Private Place. I’m a bit torn about young Flavia — she’s a bit of a pestilence, but at the same time, I kind of like the kid. I just wish she weren’t so full of herself.

      I’d fallen behind because she got so irritating, but I think if I limit myself to reading just one book a quarter I can get caught up and then with longish gaps between them, I may enjoy the stories without her personality grating so fiercely.

    34. Treena*

      Read Tomorrow, and Tomorrow and Tomorrow and despised it. The Dream Hotel was quiet and understated, really enjoyed it.

      Reread Chouette by Claire Oshetsky (it’s even more fantastic the second time) and realized they had also written another book, The Book of Dog, under (a different) pen name, Lark Benobi. Super curious about it, has anyone read it?

    35. Joie De Vivre*

      This Cursed House. It is described as a Southern gothic. It has ghosts, a curse, murder, and more.

      I don’t want to say too much about the storyline – because I don’t want to give anything away.

      I hope Del Sandeen writes more books.

    36. Autumn*

      Little Mysteries by Sara Gran. Delightful. I’m rereading it immediately. You don’t have to have read her Claire DeWitt books to read this, but they are also great!

    37. KaboomCheese*

      I finished “So this is Ever After”, an adorable teenager fantasy/romance/comedy. I got the audiobook on Libby because I like the narrator (Kevin R. Free) and wanted more of him. It was fun and an easy listen.

  4. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’re playing and give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    Also, here’s my question for youall. I’m getting ready to launch into a new campaign in my D&D game, and I’m working on world-building. The country where my characters will find themselves is an amalgamation of several different people groups, and I’m trying to make that interesting for my players. So does anyone have any thoughts on fun random culture bits from, say, books and games and visual media that they’ve encountered before? Real life is okay too, although I don’t want to get into appropriation so I want to be more careful on that. Anything big or small is potentially worth it, since as mentioned I have a LOT of people groups to figure out.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I know nothing about D&D, but my favorite “cultural” thing of that nature in fiction is when the TARDIS in Doctor Who becomes a person and struggles with verb tense when she’s talking. I think that’s such a cool character trait for a person who time travels!

    2. Jay*

      I just picked up Tainted Grail: Fall Of Avalon on Steam. I’m enjoying it so far. It’s an old fashioned RPG, rather than a Souls-like or Rogue-like, so I’m enjoying the more relaxing pace.

    3. RagingADHD*

      It’s not specific to any one culture, but one of the things I find interesting and very human is when a culture has an extremely strongly flavored / pungent food that is a real “love it or hate it” item and that outsiders often find baffling or revolting (though some become fans as well).

      Salted liquorice, surströmming, durian, casu martzu, century egg, etc.

      There’s a kind of universality of how you have the newcomers going, “oh my god that’s literally a war crime,” and the folks within the culture saying, “yeah, my grandma has that every week.”

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        As an anchovy lover, I can definitely relate. (That said, in my experience most people who hate anchovies have never actually tasted them. I admit the smell can be offputting. But the flavor! Oh, my!)

        1. London Calling*

          And is no longer sold in the UK so when I was in Australia last year I bought a couple of jars back.

      3. Jackalope*

        That would work into this pretty easily too. Some of the people groups are tortles (turtle humanoids, for those who don’t play D&D), tabaxi (cat humanoids), genasi (elemental humanoids), and so on. It’s really easy to imagine such people groups having palates that just don’t translate to any other people.

        1. Potato Potato*

          Idk about some of those groups, but I can imagine the tabaxi snacks:
          – something that looks and tastes exactly like a grocery store plastic bag
          – pieces of cardboard (it’s literally just cardboard, which doesn’t exist anywhere else in D&D, so nobody in game thinks it’s weird that tabaxi have developed this as a food)
          – crinkly packets of tuna. If the same tuna is in a packet that doesn’t crinkle, then it’s not as good

        2. Banana Pyjamas*

          My mom has a cat that licks paint when the food bowls reach 50%, and now my brain is stuck on edible paint and highly decorated foods.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      I like that in every team sport there’s a team that everyone loves to hate. The Asshole Team. The “I’m going to support a team I hate because I can’t even consider barracking for these assholes” kind of team.

    5. curly sue*

      From an anthropology perspective- how does a culture comprehend the nature of time. Is it linear, circular, a form of spiral? (I’m being quite serious here, so no “wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey” jokes, please.)

      A culture that thinks of time as segmentable and linear will have a very different engagement with things like death than one that conceives of time as a wheel with events recurring, for example.

      Also consider, since this is D&D, cultural engagement with or resistance to ideas like predestination (Calvinism and the Elect, for example) in a universe where magic spells like future sight exist.

      1. Just Here for the Llama Grooming*

        I was just reading an essay in the New Yorker about the influence of language on culture and vice versa. (It’s in an issue from April; I’m a bit behind.) Especially interesting was the notion that when describing or visualizing time, some cultures put the past “behind” and the future “ahead” (and gesture analogously); for others, future is “up the mountain” and past is “down the mountain”; for others, future is above them and the past below them (they are in the middle of the time line).

    6. Potato Potato*

      Some ideas:
      – cultures with different levels of formality/forms of address. Is everyone comrade? Is sir/ma’am/miss a matter of cultural importance? What happens if you address somebody the wrong way?
      – who gets respect in this culture? Are adventurers seen as heroes? Or are they seen like vagabonds? Or garbagemen, where they perform a good service but are still held at arms length? Is there a difference in respect between magic-wielding adventurers and melee?

    7. Angstrom*

      Discworld is full of them. I think my favorite is retrophrenology, where you try to get the personality you want by having someone hit you on the head with different size hammers to make the appropriate bumps.
      Also the future pork warehouse, where pork futures slowly materialize.

      Real life: I was reading about cultures that spend most of their time outdoors, and how some use an absolute coordinate system for position– “Thing A is west of thing B” as opposed to a relative system — “Thing A is to the left of thing B”.

    8. Dontbeadork*

      Consider their religions. One of the players in our TTRPG has modified Lois Bujold’s pantheon from her World of Five Gods books. I quite like how Bujold has clearly delineated which god is responsible for who and what, with one god for anyone/thing that doesn’t quite fit in with the others. She did a nice job creating a logical pantheon and religion.

      Think about what the climate is like for the various parts of your world. How will the people there dress? What foods are more likely in that region because of growing conditions, water availability, etc. What kinds of transportation will make sense there? Is there a class system? If so, how does it work? What happens to people who interact outside of their class, either with their “betters” or the ones considered lower than their level? How will travelers be treated, when they may not know the rules of the system?

      Humor. What is funny in one part of the world may not be in another.

    9. Mornington Crescent*

      Something I’m using for a character I’ll be introducing into an RPG shortly is considering culture shock as an aspect of this. It’s fun to think “that will be something he won’t have encountered before” or “how would he react to finding out they do/cook [thing] he knows from back home, just they do it all differently (and probably get the spices all wrong)?”

      Another thing to consider- what kind of accommodations does the place make for the mix of people living there? Are they different shapes and sizes? How is society affected by this kind of melting pot?

      As an example, my character is from a race where he has a tail, so his homeworld is set up for that being the norm; chairs will have a gap in the back so sitting is more comfortable, you can just buy clothes off the peg with a hole for your tail, etc. Where he’s travelling to, he’ll be the outlier- none of the other characters he’ll meet have one. He’s met people from other races without a tail, but to go from being the default shape to suddenly living somewhere where you’re the outlier will be a big adjustment!

  5. Peanut Hamper*

    After a very busy week, all I can say is the name of my next band is Phone Book Demons. (Thank you, Martin Blackwood!)

    Query: what other great band names have you gotten from AAM?

    4. Brevity*

      Raisins Walking To The Moon. It’s a Pink Floyd cover band, except it’s all R&B style.

    6. allathian*

      The Bananapants Ensemble Big Band
      Fergus & Jane
      The Wakeen & Joaquín One Man Band

    10. Grits McGee*

      I think “Wait, what?!?” would be a great name for a female-led pop-punk band.

    12. Mitchell Hundred*

      I got the idea from a history book, not here, but I think that Spiro Agnew would be a good name for a band.

      1. noncommitally anonymous*

        I can’t help but that every time I see Spiro Agnew’s name, remember that an anagram of his name is “grow a penis”.

  6. Victoria, Please*

    We are just about finishing with some renovations work. What’s the wisdom on thanking the contractor, tipping his team, etc.? They’ve really been pretty great.

    1. old curmudgeon*

      I don’t know if this is typical, but after a fantastic team of craftspeople finished renovating our bathroom, we gave each one their choice between a six-pack of home-brew (my spouse brews really good beer) or a dozen home-made cookies. I also wrote an individual thank-you note to each person, calling out something they had done that we really appreciated, and attached that to either the cookies or the beer that we dropped off. The guys and gals were astounded and grateful, and at least one of them told me that they had put the thank-you note up on their office wall to be an ongoing day-brightener.

      It’s a bit of effort, sure, but then we really, REALLY appreciated all the work they did.

    3. Frieda*

      I tipped my terrific drywall guy $100. He did a bunch of work for us as a subcontractor to our regular contractor and I appreciated his work and how pleasant he was.

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      If you tip the contractor with money, it might not trickle down to his team (and gosh, 40 years of trickle-down economics propaganda turns out to not be accurate), so make sure whatever you give goes directly to the people you want to thank.

      I worked my way through college doing a lot of painting and finish carpentry work, and I would have love homemade baked goods, or just cash. If it’s more than one person, I would put baked goods on a plate for each one and wrap it in cling film, and if you want to give cash, put it in separate envelopes and hand it out.

      Honestly, I love cash (because I have bills!) but the home-baked goods would really mean so much more to me, because you actually had to put some effort into it. I would remember getting cookies much longer than I would remember getting cash (unless it was a huge sum, that is!).

      But word of mouth is also important, so be sure to ask for some of their business cards that you can give to other people you might know who are looking for renovation work. That’s probably the best compliment of all. More work benefits everyone on their team.

    5. Alex*

      I don’t think tipping is typical in that line of work. Let them know you are happy to be a reference for future customers and leave a good review on their site if they have one.

      2. Clisby*

        Yes, it would never have occurred to me to tip a contractor. I mean, I just spent $125,000 on my renovation, and you expect a tip? No.

      3. Busy Middle Manager*

        Agreed. Tipping is bonkers out of control lately, I almost think it would be the most helpful for OP not to tip.

        I’ve experienced a few out-of-line tip suggestions the past two years, so have been following endtipping on reddit. There was a story this week of an older person on social security coerced into tipping for a service no one used to tip for, and they felt like they already paid too much and couldn’t really afford it. Search “I tipped a carpet cleaner $53 I couldn’t afford and now I”m resenting it”

        People have to remember that when they over-tip, they’re hurting other consumers and just actively making inflation worse

      4. Jill Swinburne*

        I make them tea and coffee and leave biscuits out with instructions to help themselves. In addition to the lavish sum I’m paying them, I think that’ll do.

      5. JR17*

        Agreed. In my experience, the contractor might give a present to the client (for a big remodel), not the opposite. And yes to a great review, referrals, etc.

    6. AJB*

      We didn’t tip our contractor but we did leave positive reviews on Google and Facebook. We also told them that they could give our contact information to perspective clients who wanted to speak with a reference (not sure if this is the right term but you get the idea).

    7. Chauncy Gardener*

      We’re having work done now and it rained on and off all day and they finished my roof in it! i brought them all lunch

    8. Anono-me*

      I would not tip the general contractor or professional craftspeople, but if there skilled and general laborers, I would tip the laborers directly but discretly in cash . The pay difference can be pretty extreme where I am.
      For the general contract and professional craftspeople, I would offer effusive thanks and good recommendations.

    9. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      It never occurred to me to tip the members of the crew. We occasionally made cold beverages or cookies or something available, but they were working on our kitchen so that was a bit tricky. Honestly, half the time we didn’t even know it was someone’s last day being in our house, and the various skills come and go. I think treats along the way are appreciated and more practical in terms of actually reaching them while they are there.

  7. Rogue Slime Mold*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    In a twist I didn’t see coming, Gossip Girl. In a book series I’ve fallen for, two characters discover a shared encyclopedic knowledge of the show, which makes it perfect for sending secret messages. After googling a lot of GG trivia as it came up I checked it out on Netflix while recovering from a root canal. (This is an excellent “lying on the couch recovering” watch.) On one level it’s a fairy tale about Upper East Side prep schoolers right up there with the high court of the elves. But on a meta level it’s about how an outsider can leverage their way into an elite by selling the elite a compelling fantasy about how sleek, smart, sexy, sophisticated, etc the elite are.

    It works on both the level “Kristen Bell is narrating my life!” and “Why is it important to me to believe that Kristen Bell is fascinated by me and wants to narrate my life?”

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I started The Four Seasons on Netflix yesterday on a whim because I like Steve Carrell and Will Forte. It’s … not what I expected? The cast makes it look like a comedy and it does have funny moments, but it kinda feels like speedrunning a midlife crisis. I’ll finish because it’s only 8 episodes but I’m finding it depressing and I can’t tell to what extent that’s the intended impact.

      What I WOULD recommend is Derry Girls! I just binged the whole thing in the past week or so (because it’s only 19 episodes) and it’s also not quite what I expected, but in a good way. I was expecting a dramedy but it’s mostly just silly and chaotic and feels more like a series of vignettes than a cohesive story. It’s really fun to watch something set in the 90s, and I love historical shows where the history is kind of just happening in the margins of ordinary life.

      1. Bookish*

        Derry Girls is, unquestionably, the best.

        I enjoyed Four Seasons. Are you by any chance younger? I ask because the podcast Pop Culture Happy Hour reviewed it and Glen, who’s late 50s, found it amusing and on target, while the other two reviewers, both under 40, found it depressing. You could of course be 50+ and still find it depressing. (I do have Big Feelings about the ending.)

        1. Rainbow Brite*

          I watched the first episode of Derry Girls and thought it was pretty disgusting the way they treated and laughed at that boy who couldn’t access a toilet. Put me right off the whole thing.

          1. ThatGirl*

            He’s the cousin of one of the girls and that’s not an ongoing plot point, it’s really a fantastic show.

        2. Rogue Slime Mold*

          50+ and found it okay, but as others said not as funny as I expected. I liked that no one is a fire-breathing villain, and I thought it captured the nuance of people with whom you have so much history that you can forgive a lot, or be infuriated by this one small thing happening Again. Particularly Mr. Fey and his “I don’t feel like eating… well now things are closed but I feel hungry” string of self-imposed minor problems.

          And I fist pumped when they talked about doing the Greenwich New Year celebration and being in bed by nine.

        3. Dark Macadamia*

          That’s so funny! I’m 38. You were not kidding about the ending – I had a couple theories based on you and the other commenter below but it went a TOTALLY different direction than I expected. I think a lot of why it was depressing for me is what my own life looks like right now and which characters I identified with the most. It was just a weird viewing experience thinking it would be like a vacation themed sitcom with an oldish cast and then it was NOT that. Also crazy that Ginny is treated like this super young wild child and she’s in her 30s lol I would’ve been much more like the older characters 8 years ago and even in my 20s!

        1. RussianInTexas*

          Derry Girls has the best Liam Neeson cameo of all times.
          Also, of you really listen to Uncle Colm’s stories, they are really funny.

      3. RussianInTexas*

        I saw a criticism of Derry Girls that it doesn’t spend enough time on The Troubles and the overall political situation of the time, but that’s the point! This is the regular life for the characters, and I think it’s more effective this way, to see how they are used to live in such environment and don’t really notice it much anymore.

        1. Catherine*

          Oh my god they’re teenagers, it showed exactly the perfect amount about the troubles from their point of view.

      5. Seashell*

        I just finished The Four Seasons. I was only expecting four episodes, but apparently not.

        I thought it had some good moments, but I also thought I would like it more than I did. I’m around the age of the characters, and I found some things relatable, but I can’t imagine vacationing that much with my friends in general, let alone with the guy who dumped my friend and ran off with a young girlfriend.

        Like someone else send, I was not thrilled with the end.

        1. Treena*

          Based on what my friend who was left by her husband told me, it’s pretty spot on.

      6. cleo*

        I’m 55 and I remember watching the original Four Seasons with my parents when it came out on tv. I was 11 and a huge MASH fan, so of course I wanted to see Alan Alda’s latest show. My parents seemed to like it but I was – disappointed is too strong a word – baffled by it.

        I’m curious how closely the new version follows the original plot. Also curious how much I remember of it (a few scenes are seared into my 11 year old brain). But probably not curious enough to actually watch it.

        1. Seashell*

          I was also a big MASH fan and watched The Four Seasons movie because of Alan Alda back then. I don’t remember a lot of it, but I don’t think the new show follows it that closely. Netflix does have the original movie on right now (probably because of interest generated by the show), so I may do a rewatch.

        2. Dark Macadamia*

          I didn’t realize it was a remake until I saw that Netflix had both versions bundled as a “collection” – based on Wikipedia most of the plot is the same with some of the details of the trips changed and one of the wives is now a gay husband. The ending is wildly different.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Just finished The Agency with Michael Fassbender and Richard Gere on Paramount Plus.

      It was a great spy thriller, and a thoughtful character piece – tricky to pull off. Every aspect of the writing, cast, direction, etc, was excellent. Even the architecture was a strong player in every scene.

    3. Charley*

      I’m a few episodes into A Muerte (English Title: Love You to Death) and it’s been really fun (if your sense of fun is a little dark)

    4. Christine*

      Currently binge-watching “Supermarket Sweep” (’90s version). Adorable *and* cringe (stirrup pants!) and I’m officially addicted!

    5. goddessoftransitory*

      Just started Harry Wild on Prime: it’s a hoot watching prim little Dr. Quinn glug wine, swear, and snog inappropriate men (although the trope of “women and wine, amirite?” is getting old, especially when they try to make problem drinking cute–maybe later seasons will deal with this) and I do like the integration of her vast knowledge of literature without designing the mysteries too tightly around it.

      Also finished the first season of Dark Winds and really enjoyed it.

    6. Teapot Translator*

      Finished the first season of Poldark. Loved the landscape, but it’s not my type of show so I’ll leave it there.
      I tried few episodes of Animal Control. I don’t find it very funny. Does anyone know if it improves?

    7. Lemonwhirl*

      We are really loving “The Studio” on Apple+. Seth Rogan plays a bumbling guy who loves film and who is promoted to be the head of a movie studio. loads of cameos with famous directors and actors and so funny, especially if you are at all interested in Hollywood and how movies get made. would highly recommend.

      also watching “The Last of Us”, even though it continually breaks my heart and makes me cry and I have a lifelong phobia of mushrooms so the whole premise is both terrifying and validating.

    8. Rainbow Brite*

      We are rewatching the BBC TV adaptation of His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman. It’s so, so good (unlike the terrible film of the first book).

    9. Six Feldspar*

      I’m watching Jeeves and Wooster and still enjoying it although I think I’ve managed to get the episodes out of order.

      Going back a bit further in time and watching Brother Cadfael this evening.

    10. GoryDetails*

      I stumbled across the 1950 noir/procedural film “Mystery Street” on cable channel TCM. There’s a murder, a hapless guy caught in the middle and suspected, and lots of procedural detail in the investigation.

      The film mainly follows the police detective – and the forensic anthropologist from Harvard – as they acquire clues from the skeletal remains. (There’s an amusing bit early on when the detectives try to find the Harvard expert; at first they go to Harvard’s main campus in Cambridge, get lost several times there, eventually learn that they want Harvard Medical School, which is over in Boston – lots of entertaining local scenes from 1950.)

      I enjoyed all the forensic stuff, which was pretty cutting-edge for the time, and included identifying the victim’s sex, age, height, and cause of death from the skeletal remains, plus photographic superimposition to compare the skull to photos of missing persons. The mystery itself included several people interfering with evidence and/or lying outright, either to protect themselves or to blackmail someone else, but while it got a bit too messy I did enjoy the characters (Elsa Lanchester for the win, but everyone else did a good job in their roles). I don’t remember ever hearing of this movie before, so I was very pleased to have discovered it.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I finished Andor and re-watched Rogue One — the ending of the series makes the movie all the more poignant. There are only a couple of continuity errors from the film being made before the series. They did a great job leading up to it.

      Then I got caught up on Doctor Who. “The Well” was a properly scary episode. The show is at its best when it’s scary, imo. I love Ncuti Gatwa. He’s the most huggable Doctor by far. I want to hug him!

      1. allathian*

        We’re also planning to rewatch Rogue One after we finish Andor. It’s my favorite SW show so far. I think we watched episode 8 yesterday. I must admit that I prefer the intense, almost linear storytelling when most of them are together in one place, the first three or four episodes when they jumped from planet to planet felt like a long setup. But it’s very worth it.

    12. Nervous Nellie*

      Neat! I’m not sure from your note if you are watching Gossip Girl or googling it, but Tubi has several seasons streaming for free. It’s a hoot!

      For me – my meditation group gave us the challenge to find a book or film that ‘breaks the heart open,’ so I dug around on Tubi and found the British series Long Lost Family, a reality show that puts the muscle and funding of the BBC behind the search for missing family members to arrange reunions. It’s ugly cry stuff – absolutely heartwarming stories about adoption reunions, resolved estrangements. Heart not broken – broken open!

    13. Mimmy*

      Just started Breaking Bad! My husband has been trying to get me to watch this for years, and this week, he finally convinced me to give it a try. I think I may like this!

      1. RC*

        Oh, it’s so good; also if you’re a nerd about inside baseball kind of stuff you can probably still find the Breaking Bad Insider podcast where they talk shop about the making of each episode. I listened to it closer to the show’s air date and really enjoyed it.

        That all said… I do wonder how it would hit if I rewatched it these days. 2013-me absolutely loved it but shit gets *dark* and I wonder if 2025-me would just be too devastated by it all.

        1. Rogue Slime Mold*

          We didn’t stick with Breaking Bad, but absolutely loved Better Call Saul, its prequel. It’s one step lighter, with a bit more comedy and a few more people you’re rooting for, and that small shift really moved it into the sweet spot of cynical but not depressing.

    14. IHaveKittens*

      I’m big into British “cozy” police procedurals lately. My newest one is The Chelsea Detective. I’ve also watched (and loved) Vera, Inspector Ellis, Midsomer Murders (of course!), Ludwig (excellent show – can’t wait for Season 2). I also love Call the Midwife and The Pitt.

    15. YesImTheAskewPolice*

      Just finished Andor, which is excellent – and I’m not even a fan of Star Wars! Also binged the new season of Love, Death & Robots. I didn’t care for the first couple of episodes, but thought it got better as the season progressed.

      Still also watching The Brokenwood Mysteries (usually not my kind of show, but I enjoy it immensely), Doctor Who, and started the new season of Conan O’Brien Must Go.

    16. SuprisinglyADHD*

      We re-re-re-rewatched the original Hellboy movie and the sequel Hellboy 2. Those movies are some of my favorites, I would be delighted if they made more in that continuity! They left it wide open for further sequels, and from what I’ve heard the actors would be on board if someone had the funding. I’ll have to track down those animated ones again, I remember they were pretty cool. Oh well, what a shame they NEVER made any more live-action Hellboy movies…………….

    17. SalieriAffettuoso*

      Finished up on the Cad Bane part of *Star Wars: Tales of the Underworld.* Would not recommend unless you’re a fan of Bane like I am. What they served was too small and left me feeling hungry afterwards. It’s all dressed very well though, the graphics are the best these animated series have ever been.

      I’m currently watching the *mono* anime, from the same creator as *Laid-Back Camp.* A group of girls go around taking pictures; very relaxing vibes. Would recommend if you need something to unwind from a long day/week.

    18. KaboomCheese*

      Murderbot on AppleTv. Sadly only one short episode per week.
      And I started Severance, I’m 3 episodes in, not sure what to think.

  8. salad*

    it’s the season where I have a ton of leftover egg whites. Favourite ways to use them up?

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Seconding pavlova especially with brown sugar!

        Last summer I made meringues and would make a bowl of crushed up meringues, greek yogurt and whatever fruit I had to hand.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Coconut macaroons and almond macaroons are dead easy, use up egg whites, and freeze beautifully.

      My coconut macaroon recipe is from the New York Times cooking section (Susan Spungen). I don’t bother with the chocolate topping, although it would taste marvelous.

      My almond macaroons use SOLO BRAND almond paste. Do not try to substitute Odense brand, it will not work. One can/packet of almond paste, 2 egg whites, and 1 1/4 cups sugar. Break up the almond paste in a food processor or a standing mixer, add the sugar and mix to combine. Add the egg whites and process or beat until smooth. Scoop the mixture into a plastic bag, press out all the air and close the top. Line two rimmed sheet pans with parchment. Cut the tip off the bottom of the bag and pipe small cookies onto the parchment, allowing room for them to spread. Bake at 325° F until lightly brown on top and quite brown on the bottom. Cool on a rack until you can easily remove the cookies from the parchment, about 5 minutes, and then let the cookies cool on the rack until room temperature.

      1. Nihil scio*

        Amaretti. 4 ingredients: egg whites, almonds, sugar, almond extract. Blend the almonds and sugar in the food processor, then the almond extract. Beat the whites. Fold together. Drop by teaspoonsful. Bake 350F 20 minutes. Soooo good

    4. Filosofickle*

      Angel food cake. Whites also freeze well if you don’t want to deal with them right now.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Wait what? Is this a thing I just don’t know about because I don’t drink tequila?

        1. Hlao-roo*

          I drink tequila, like a good margarita, and I had the same “wait, what?” reaction! According to a recipe I found from googling “egg white margaritas,” the egg whites give the margs a nice foam. Maybe I’ll try adding egg whites the next time I make margs and see how they turn out.

          1. Jay (no, the other one)*

            Any sour-type drink. We most often do it with a classic whiskey sour and I like to add ginger.

    6. TerrorCotta*

      I used to go to a gym that had the most incredible protein muffins. I don’t have the exact recipe, but it was mostly egg whites, vanilla protein powder, and freeze dried berries. Had the texture of angel food cake, and so good.

      I think there are likewise protein pancake recipes that use a lot of egg whites too!

    7. Imtheone*

      Freeze them! Just put the egg whites in a freezer safe container. I think six is 3/4 cup, enough for a pavlova type cake (schaum torte). Or use two or three to make meringue kisses with chocolate chips.

      Make what you want for now, or freeze until you are ready to bake.

    8. Professor Plum*

      Curious—what is the season you’ve been through that requires the use of a ton of egg yolks?

      2. salad*

        I make *a lot* of creme patissiere to go with fruit & berries. My recipe calls for 4 egg yolks per batch, with 1.5 c milk. For context: I made one batch last night and the teenaged gremlins got at it. There is none left. (on the other hand, that means the kids are eating a lot of fruit, so not the worst outcome).

    9. Cookies For Breakfast*

      I always end up with lots as carbonara gets made often in this house. I freeze them, and these are my go-tos when I want to use them up.

      1) Amaretti biscuits: google the recipe by Bread Ahead, it’s excellent and super authentic

      2) Financiers: there are lots of recipes out there. I have favourites by David Lebovitz (both a plain and a chocolate version), Serious Eats, the UK supermarket Waitrose (raspberry financiers), and Ottolenghi (I hope his coffee pecan version is available online, the other suggestions all are).

      3) The honey vanilla madeleines recipe on the Patisserie Makes Perfect blog. It’s the only one I make, it works an absolute treat.

      4) The Ottolenghi plum, blackberry and bay friand cake (also googlable). I make it with mixed berries instead of plums and it’s been much loved at several friend gatherings.

      I always failed badly at angel food cake, so it’s nice to have found so many recipes that do work for me and mean egg whites won’t go to waste. Hope you’ll like some of these too :)

    11. carcinization*

      I would definitely make macarons (not the same as macaroons!). I have a whole macaron cookbook but have never made any of the recipes because I don’t want to waste egg yolks!

      1. Imtheone*

        For egg yolks, make custards, or traditional Eastern European pastries that require just egg yolks.

    12. SalieriAffettuoso*

      Asked my boyfriend, who’s a great cook. Dessert: meringues. General meals: big omelette roll, or poached eggs sans yolk.

  9. Lilo*

    A relative is undergoing brain surgery soon and I am trying to think of little things that might be useful when she gets home. I was considering something like easy slip on shoes so she doesn’t have to reach down or tie her shoes. Maybe some light beanies or easy wear scarves to cover her head without being too hot. Anyone have any suggestions? I know there’s not a lot you can really do to make something like this better but if there’s something that can remove a burden or a problem I can anticipate, I’d like to explore it.

    1. Charley*

      When my cousin had brain surgery I sent some nice herbal tea bags. Apparently you are not allowed to have caffeine for a while after (or at least she wasn’t), so the tea was a nice substitute while she was recovering.

    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      After my (not-brain) surgery, a grabber tool was invaluable. An out of state friend sent me some books she loved (after checking I hadn’t already read them) and that was great.
      But what really helped was connection! Another out of state friend did weekly zoom calls with me for a few weeks until I was able to get out of the house, that helped a lot with the isolation. One of those calls she had dug up a bunch of old photos of us from high school and we had a fun trip down memory lane. Laughed a lot, which I really needed at that point, it was about a month out and I was getting discouraged at the slow healing. Another friend texted me several times with things like “I’m at the grocery store, anything you want or need?” or “I am at Trader Joe’s can I bring you some sunflowers?” etc. There was a lot of support and soft slipper socks the first few days, but it was the consistency and still caring a few weeks later that really meant a lot.

      1. Charley*

        I’m sure it depends on the procedure, but the people I know who’ve had brain surgery both had some weeks after where they couldn’t really read – like their brains needed a ton of rest and were just not ready for that level of complex information processing right after. So books might be a nice follow-up gift for a few weeks out, but depending on how your friend is feeling it may not be the time to pass on your favorite literary epic.

        2. Lilo*

          Yeah unfortunately the tumor is impacting her vision significantly so books are out. But it was a nice thought. Maybe some audiobooks.

    3. Brevity*

      Would she be okay with a meal delivery service or a cleaning service? I know some people don’t like the idea of cleaners coming into their homes or other people cooking for them; but alleviating cooking and/or cleaning could be welcome.

    4. Peanut Hamper*

      Maybe one of those grabby things, so if they drop something, they don’t have to bend over to pick it up?

      Protip: There are cheap versions of these (~$3) and heavy duty versions of these (~$15-20) and the heavy duty version is definitely worth it. I have one that bends in the middle so I can grab things off a high shelf easily, which means I don’t need a step-stool.

    6. TerrorCotta*

      After my (non-brain) surgeries I loved having lots of “cozy” clothes. Long, lightweight jersey dresses with pockets. A big fuzzy robe (also with pockets!), chenille socks with non-slip treads. Basically, aything oversized, soft, and with pockets was awesome.

      The slip on shoes are a great idea too! I had a pair of Sherpa lined clogs so I didn’t need to mess with bending over to put socks on either.

    8. Turtle Dove*

      I visited a sick friend yesterday who was chilled, so I’ll take her some fingerless gloves soon. I like those myself (specifically the four-pack from the Justay store on Amazon) when I’m cold. As TerrorCotta said, cozy clothes are good, and I’ll add warm to that!

    9. Snoozing not schmoozing*

      I’m seeing recommendations for reacher/grabber tools. When I had a major orthopedic surgery, that was sent home with me, along with a long shoehorn and a thing for putting on socks, and a few other items. So maybe hold off on that until you know if it’s supplied by the physical therapy department.

    10. Girasol*

      Small treats to make the medicine go down. (Friend gave me a plate of tiny shortbreads to nibble with the “take with food” pills, and that was so appreciated!) Help around the house with whatever is going to be a problem. (For hip surgery, the tiniest things were big problems, like rolling out the bin on trash day. You could ask what she’s concerned she won’t be able to do.) If you go with the shoes, Sketchers Slip Ins are awesome.

    11. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Maybe things to manage sensory input like an eye mask or noise-canceling headphones (depending on where the surgery is, how they attach or sit on the head would be a factor).

      Home meal delivery? Or making some things that are easy to eat with possibly shaky hands and stocking up her freezer with individual portions.

      I just learned about ScanMarker, which reads aloud text as you run the scanner across it. I don’t know how well it works but the idea of something that could read things like a food label or other item when they’re not going to be able to read seems really handy.

      Dry shampoo since she’s likely not going to be taking a ton of showers and washing her hair there.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Oh, heavens, yes! Someone brought me dry shampoo when I was in extended care after surgery, and I will love her forever.

  10. Ginger Cat Lady*

    I have been trying to figure out a new food allergy (?) that has popped up. My doctor wants me to track all the ingredients of all the foods I eat, along with if I have a reaction, and “look for patterns”
    I don’t want to do this by hand if at all possible. I will if I have to, but it sounds so tedious.
    Anyone know of apps that could do this? Maybe something I could, for example, scan the bottle of bbq sauce instead of hand entering all the ingredients?

    1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Look at apps diabetics use to enter foods and track their contents. Check packages for QR codes and scan those. That might give you at least some information.

    3. ThatGirl*

      Could you take pictures of the labels? Then you could capture the text if needed, most phones now will make the text copyable.

    4. A test subject*

      This obviously isn’t an answer to your question, but out of curiosity, they didn’t do a blood test or allergy test to test for sensitivities?? As someone who has been through this exercise before, this sounds like going about things the really hard way.

      What may be easier is to limit your diet to a few core things that don’t cause you issues, then only track the extra/odd things you add in.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        I’ve heard that elimination diets like that can be dangerous without supervision from a dietitian, because doing it wrong could leave you short on certain nutrients. Or maybe that’s only if you’re malnourished already? Either way, probably best to discuss a super-limiting diet with a doctor first.

      2. Ginger Cat Lady*

        tested negative for most common allergens. we’ve tried elimination and had no clear results. This isn’t step one, I swear we are competent adults and not just choosing the hard way. This is just where we are now.

    5. SuprisinglyADHD*

      I know that it can be hard to find a good specialist, but if this doctor is your primary care doc you might want to look for an allergist or licensed dietician to help you. Depending on how quickly your reaction symptoms turn up after eating, it could take a long time to narrow the potential culprits down, especially if it’s one of the many ingredients listed under “herbs and spices” or “natural flavors” or the many hidden types of corn starch (one of my relatives has celiac and can’t use garlic powder or powdered sugar because corn starch is used for anti-caking).
      If you do end up needing to track by hand, maybe you could avoid condiments for a while to cut down on ingredients? But even then it sounds exhausting, given that any food with ANY kind of pre-done preparation will add tons of ingredients (like breaded cutlets, even if you apply the breading yourself you’d have to track the ingredients in the bread or breadcrumb blend too). Even stuff like canned pureed tomatoes or boxed broth/stock often has seasoning and flavors added.
      I hope you’re able to find a better way, or a doctor who has more experience with your specific issue.

      1. I don’t post often*

        Just a note: “natural flavor”, “spices”, and there is one more seemingly innocuous one I’m forgetting can hide ingredients that if you are sensitive too will cause a reaction. The celiac reaction mentioned above is a great example. There is an app where you can scan the product to know if it is safe for a certain allergy. That isn’t what you are looking for, but perhaps useful in the long run

    6. Observer*

      In theory, what your doctor wants is a great idea. In practice? It can be close to impossible.

      Do you have some sort of diagnosis? Has anyone looked for a diagnosis? What is your basis for assuming that this is from what you are eating?

      My point is that trying to pin down what you are looking for is going to make it easier to figure out any patterns. Also, there are some good apps, but the reality is that most of them are only going to help you if you are looking for specific set of issues. Like most apps designed for diabetics are not going to do you much good if your issues are GI related and vice versa.

      If you are looking at GI issues, one app that might help is the Monash University FODMAP app. It’s focused on IBS, but if you use it fairly religiously it could help you see if you have issues with any of the FODMAP foods.

  11. RLC*

    Fig is a very fortunate cat to have such a play structure! I’ve read that cats are naturally arboreal creatures; Fig seems to support that theory. (We have a Fig lookalike who likes to perch on the top of our 2 meter tall glass cabinets like a furry gargoyle. Thankfully our other three cats have not yet mastered the leap to that spot.)

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Same! I am seeing the surreal moments in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Cats in spaaaaaaaace!

    3. Saturday*

      I always love seeing Fig and her impish expression, but this one with her on the very top of the tower is the best.

  12. Frankie Bergstein*

    Is anyone using a mood tracker app? I’m using How We Feel, which is free, keeps your data with you, nicely formatted, and really helpful so far. I would love to hear if others are using apps like this one (e.g., Daylio) and how your experiences have been. Any insights?

    For me, a few insights:
    -my Tuesdays at work are filled with stressful meetings
    -the state of the world has me down, but I’m able to put that aside when at work
    -the majority of my moods, like 60-70%, are calm / low energy
    -my positive and negative moods are split 50-50
    -I am tired a whole lot of the time during the workweek. I do perk up on the weekends, when exercising, volunteering, etc.

    None of this is revelatory, but I really would like less tiredness. Most of that 50% negative state is exhaustion.

    1. SparklingBlue*

      Finch! It’s a free self care app that has the ability to keep tabs on your moods. That, and the little birds are cute.

      1. Birb*

        Seconding! It’s not sutomatically as detailed ss something like Bearable or Daylio, but I liked it enough to actually use it AND it had
        one of the best privacy policies.

      2. Middle Name Jane*

        I started using Finch last summer after someone on here recommended it. I needed help with productivity in a way that would be kind and work with the challenges I have (ADHD and severe depression).

    2. Arrietty*

      I use Daylio to track my fatigue symptoms, rather than mood. I paid the one off fee to get the upgraded ability to customise it, and I like it fine. I wish it integrated with the apps I have that track my heart rate etc – nothing is quite designed for what I need, other than an unaffordable custom tracker with a fancy subscription app (Visible) so I have several and have to look across them.

    3. Tea Monk*

      I used how do I feel but a lot of my feelings defy words. I’m using daylio again, as I need to track a lot more. There’s no AI integration which makes me feel better

  13. goddessoftransitory*

    Fun Question this week: If you could design your ideal bed (size/cost/practicality no object), what would it look/feel like?

    Would it be wholly original, or one you’ve read about or see in a show or movie? For instance, I have always had a yen to try Heidi’s barn loft bed in the novel of the same name (while in real life I know it would be an allergy-provoking, scratchy nightmare) but I also have mental pictures of feather beds, pillows, silk sheets, you name it.

    Design the bed of your dreams!

    1. HannahS*

      Ooh that’s a fun one!
      I always wanted a loft bed when I was single, and now I’d really love a king bed for boring obvious reasons.

      BUT! The current bed of my fantasies is a Japanese futon–the real kind, that’s thick with cotton wadding, on the floor. I have a bad back and sleeping on something really firm sounds heavenly. And our current bedroom is awfully cluttered and I love the idea of a quiet, basically empty room with just a little bed…

      I always need a down duvet though. My parents gave me a spare one when I was a teen and I can’t go back to quilts or comforters. And it’s mine. My husband and I don’t share blankets.

      1. Rara Avis*

        We do sleep on a futon on tatami mats (and have for, yikes, 29 years — anniversary coming up next month!) My husband’s theory is that getting up from the floor will keep us young. We did get a mattress topper — our backs like the firm futon, aging hips and shoulders like the cushy mattress topper. It was also nice when our kiddo was small — no worries about them falling out if they came to our bed.

        1. LBD*

          I found that the stretching exercises I was doing for some tendonitis helped my hip pain when side sleeping on a firm surface. Turned out my pain was from lack of flexibility in my hips!

      2. Six Feldspar*

        I loved sleeping on futons and tatami mats when I visited Japan – I love a firm mattress and it was so comfortable. I’d have to reaaaaally keep on top of the vacuuming to do it at home though…

    2. Not A Manager*

      A flying bed. Some kids build an imaginary dream house. I used to design my perfect flying bed. It included bookcases and a secret bathtub.

      1. Zona the Great*

        Yeah! I loved the flying bed scene in Little Nemo and he also glided on water with it. Loved it.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Nice problem!
      I live in a small apartment, so I’d start by designing an invisible annex that expands to hold whatever is inside (like a Tardis or Hermione Granger’s purse in the Harry Potter stories). There I would offload all of my clutter (sewing supplies, sewing and mending projects I might complete before the next millenium, family photos, boxes of sentimental clutter and trivia…). Next, I’d work whatever magic was necessary to add cross-ventilation despite the room having only one window.

      Once the bedroom was reduced to the basics (bed, dresser, nightstand, pretty antiques) I’d add a string of fairy lights over the bed, install a small armchair for reading, and build the bed onto a storage platform. I’d also manage to vacuum once a week. The actual bedding would just be the usual cotton sheets and pillowcases. That part of the dream is already as much under control as it will ever be.

    4. Lemonwhirl*

      A human-sized dog bed or a human-sized cup nest, like the ones the swallows build.

        1. BlueCanoe*

          They make dog-bed-style beds for humans.. I can’t remember the brand or what they’re called..

          1. BlueCanoe*

            Update: turns out if you search “human dog bed” there will be lots of results.

    5. Arrietty*

      I’d love a bed that had automatic internal temperature controls and a blackout bubble around it (not like a four poster because I’d feel claustrophobic, just a magical light control).

      Also it’d be at least twice the size of a double, so that my dog can take up half the bed and I’d still have room to stretch my legs.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Alas, in my experience it doesn’t matter how big the bed is. A dog who wants to take her half out the middle of your half will do. I have a king sized bed, half of which is consistently empty, and this is how I learned that my elder dog and I can both share a twin bed in a pinch – I routinely wrestle for my covers muttering “You could have that WHOLE SIDE, why you gotta lay on my ribs.”

        1. Six Feldspar*

          Dogs and cats are actually gaseous entities and will expand to fill any and all available space…

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            This is the “small” (50lb) dog. Luckily the 115 pound one also likes her space and is happy to sleep in her crate so nobody crowds her.

          2. RussianInTexas*

            I am reading this while a cat is lounging on my feet and is giving me an attitude if I try to shift.

    6. Alex*

      I would love to sleep on a convex surface, like the outside of a giant ball. I like to sleep on my stomach, but don’t want to hyperextend my lower back.

    7. GoryDetails*

      My favorite sleeping moments have had to do with open windows and a light breeze and the sound of rustling leaves outside; if I could design a tower room or a treehouse space that would magically keep out heat and insects while welcoming (or generating?) that breeze and the ambient noises of rustling leaves (distant ocean surf optional, the occasional thunderstorm welcome for drama), that’d be pretty awesome.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I once slept on a California King while on a weekend trip with a boyfriend years ago, and it was amazing. SO MUCH ROOM.

      So something big and comfy, with all-white sheets and a fluffy white comforter, in a fairly large room with big windows and a view, but also blackout curtains (that really do block light) because it has to be dark with a fan going for me to sleep. I want an ensuite bath and a closet just for clothes so I don’t have to use it for storage too. LOL obviously it would need a whole dream house around it!

      That, or a fluffy white bed in a large treehouse in an enormous oak tree. It would have a little elevator going up to it so I don’t have to climb on my stupid bad knee.

    9. Girasol*

      Twin, at least four inch foam, and outside with mosquito screen. I am a few decades too old to sleep out in the back yard but I do it anyway.

    10. Hyaline*

      I just read that scene in Heidi to my kids and having slept on straw ticks (so lumpy, so itchy, so uncomfortable), I was amazed how appealing it still sounded! I think it was the description of the view Heidi had.

    11. Olsie*

      Ohhh fun! I’d do fully original. It would be the widest possible (to accommodate two little kids who always creep in) and it would have canopy blackout curtains and it would be the perfect firmness for me that I would just melt in and go to bed.
      The canopy would have a heat regulator so it would always be my ideal temperature.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        I love canopy beds!

        Ruth Goodman’s descriptions of how important beds and bedstead furniture were in her How To Be A Tudor are so intriguing; they were often the most expensive furnishing a family owned and given pride of place in the main room. The heavy hangings on a proper bed also created both warmth and “a room within a room”–the only private space most couples would have, especially in the typical family arrangements where several children, relatives, and animals shared the space.

    12. Chaordic One*

      The last time I bought a bed, about 5 years ago, my mother encouraged me to get a queen size mattress so I did. And there really isn’t anything wrong with it, but it just seems so big and awkward. I really prefer the standard size double bed.

      Something I’ve never had, but covet and that would be completely doable would be a bed with a bookshelf headboard. I’m thinking that the headboard would have to be firmly attached to the wall. I wouldn’t want a headboard that moved or made noises if you rolled over in bed.

    13. Trixie Belden is my hero*

      Related to my small joy entry…I already have the bed of my dreams. Twenty five years ago I bought it for my first condo with a bonus from work plus some savings. It was the first “good” piece of furniture (not hand me downs or really cheap) I bought after 15 years of working and saving.
      It’s a black iron bed with headboard and footboard and fleur di lis looking filials on the posts, the footboard posts are lower. The metal is in a scroll pattern across the top over the bars and between the posts. Sorry, I can’t describe it better. I just did some quick math and it comes out to 23 cents a night. No regrets, I still love it.

    14. Saturday*

      Midnight blue flannel sheets, and the bed is on a rooftop with a clear dome over it so the night sky can be seen on all sides. The acoustics allow the sound of nighttime insects and owls to come in. It’s the bed I imagine I’m in when I’m trying to fall asleep.

    15. Other Meredith*

      If you’ve seen Help! the Beatles movie (which has not aged well, just in case you aren’t familiar with it) the boys all share an apartment and John’s bed is down in the floor. I always have wanted that. Now that I have decrepit joints, I’d probably die trying to get in and out of bed, but it was my childhood dream.

    16. Chaordic One*

      Some of these posts remind me that in years past, especially in southern U.S. states, there was a thing called a “sleeping porch.” An attachment to a house, often built off the bedroom, with a roof to keep out the rain and screens on the open sides to keep insects out. People put their bed in them and slept in the room during hot summer months. I don’t know that I would really want one for myself, but I can certainly understand the attraction.

    17. Zephy*

      Some friends of mine built The Ultimate BED-room in their house. The room was basically the exact size of two queen beds pushed together, with just enough floor space along one wall to get in and out, so that’s what they did. I think one half of the couple actually *slept* in another room for snoring-related reasons but I don’t remember who was the snorer. The BED-room was for lounging with the pets and shenanigans.

    18. Anono-me*

      One spring, I was perpetually exhausted from working nights and was visiting my parents. They had a huge hammock (The fabric kind with a board at each end.) in their backyard at the top of a small hill under some apple trees. It was a perfect beautiful spring day, just enough of light breeze to keep the bugs away without out being chilly. The sunshine was lovely, but muted by the leaves and blossoms of the apple trees. The apple blossoms were just past their prime, so still beautiful and fragrant, but occasionally petals would drift down. I laid down in that hammock for a little bit and slept the best sleep of my life for about three or four hours. I felt so well rested and restored when I woke up. It was probably the best sleep experience of my life. I have no idea how to design a bed that gives me that, but since practical considerations are not a factor here, a bed that let’s me have sleep like that every night is my dream bed.

    19. Might Be Spam*

      My bed is almost perfect. I have a corner bedroom on the 2nd floor, so it’s OK to keep the windows open all night, for a gentle breeze through the trees outside my windows. It’s a storage bed with two rows of drawers, so it ends up being slightly higher than my dining room table. I use an ottoman to climb into bed and I feel like I’m in a tree house. The only thing I would add is a canopy frame with filmy curtains.

  14. Teapot Translator*

    I need some encouragement. Those who’ve gone through perimenopause/menopause and come out the other side, please tell me it gets better? I’m lucky in that I’ve only one symptom so far, but I’m unlucky in that it’s pretty debilitating when it strikes. I’m working with a doctor to manage it, but I need some encouragement from those who’ve gone through it.

    1. tangerineRose*

      It ends eventually. Glad you’re working with a doctor. I just had hot flashes, but they were intense.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      I used to get pretty hot and sweaty at night, and that seems better after some years. My cousin said eating lower carb/lower sugar helped her with that, and it seemed to help me some too.

      I do still feel a bit cognitively slower, but that might also be due to covid, so who can say?

    3. going anon for this one*

      For my hot flashes, I learned deep breathing. 10 deep breaths really worked for me.

      I also had excessive bleeding and more frequent periods. This took multiple trips to OB/GYN, and it was scary. I’m finally stable on some birth control pills, but still tweaking the dosage 5 years later.

      What helped me was to talk to girl friends slightly older than me and getting advice, and knowing it wasn’t abnormal to get *more frequent* periods. It’s comforting to hear of people with similar symptoms, even if it’s through the grapevine. Because I thought perimenopause/menopause would be less bleeding, but for me it’s not.

      There is less funding in scientific research for women’s bodies, so it may take more trial and error with your doctor and your body.

      Good luck! We all come through it and survive, look at al the elderly women out there. But yeah, it’s not a walk in the park.

    4. Mary Lynne*

      Yes! I am on the other side. The hot flashes were the worst and the very intense. I forget how long I put up with that – six months? Less than a year anyway before I went on hormones and that completely took care of it. Wow, that was eight years ago, and every time I ran out of my estradiol, a hot flashes started until very recently, so I might finally be weaning off that if there’s a reason to do so. The brain fog and fatigue get way way better. The sleep changes from menopause can continue apparently, but I just manage with sleep routine and otherwise to keep it on track. lubrication changes and atrophy can happen, so if you’re sexually active, you wanna be proactive about it and there’s things you can do. No more period– Yay and hallelujah! I also really really like being old. I just care so much less what everybody thinks, and feel so much more freedom.

    5. Facs*

      this will pass. I’m on the other side now. For me it was sleep. Waking up and being Really Awake at 2 am. Valerian helped and it slowly got better. Tincture of Time

    6. Texan in Exile*

      Yes, it gets better. The hot flashes slow way down.

      And if you get migraines – even if they aren’t hormonal, they might go away. I used to have so many migraines that I would run out of imitrex every month (insurance would give me only nine pills a month), even though I cut each pill into quarters. I now get a headache only about two or three times a year.

      2. Chaordic One*

        I found that my migraines became much less intense as I got older. I still have them and with about as much frequency as ever. Not as debilitating, not as long-lasting, more easily treatable than they used to be, and the visual disturbances (aura) are much less frequent. I can now usually (but not always) treat them as an annoyance.

    7. Mary Lynne*

      Oh also another positive side of benefit – no more lumps that need to be scanned and then drained! I swear 20 times between age 18 and when menopause hit at age 52 I found a lump in my breast, panic about cancer, get it checked out, always just a Cyst. NOT ONE since then. Hormones are so weird.

    8. Indolent Libertine*

      Yes it gets better! Hot flash triggers for me were sugar, caffeine (including chocolate), alcohol, and spicy foods; your mileage may vary.

    9. tab*

      Yes, it will get better. I had impressive hot flashes that had me sweating heavily. I found that days when I exercised (cardio) reduced both the frequency and intensity of the hot flashes. Now, years later, I rarely have a hot flash and it’s always low intensity. Hang in there!

    10. Emily Byrd Starr*

      I haven’t reached menopause yet, but my elderly mother has no post menopausal symptoms and hasn’t for years.

    11. Saturday*

      My symptoms were mainly night sweats and periods of intense, crushing despair.

      But I got better! I really did – feeling so much better now. I’m sorry you’re in the middle of it, but you’ll make it out the other side too.

      1. Frieda*

        Oy, that last bit, with the crushing despair. I’ve found that the sleep interruption from the night sweats makes things worse, plus it seems to exacerbate my anxiety, which makes the sleep disruption harder to beat.

        So far, things seem better to me right now than they did a year ago. I’m still having cycles but they are much longer and I’ve only had one that was alarmingly sudden/intense and that was spring of last year. Fingers crossed?

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      This too shall pass!
      I found that raspberry leaf tea (hot or cold) helped with the moods and hot flashes but YMMV

    13. cleo*

      It does get better. I’m several years post menopause and most of my symptoms have cleared up.

      And the main one that’s continued (hot flashes) is much less intense than it was – both my mother and I are what researchers call super flashers – having hot flashes for 10+ years.

    14. Teapot Translator*

      Thank you, everyone. Some days are good, some days are bad. It helps to know it’s not forever.

    15. Chauncy Gardener*

      This will pass, I promise!

      You didn’t ask, but what really helped me stay on an even keel and also keep the hot flashes down was raspberry leaf tea. I used to put a bag in cold water (or in my big water bottle) and drink it all day.

    16. Low stakes Lulu*

      It gets so much better! An article in The NY Times in 2023 on the subject really made me realize how lucky I was to have started hormones and not suffered for more months/years. I feel great now and sometimes I just have to stop and acknowledge how happy I am not to have to think about cramps, etc any more. It is so the best.

    17. Bubbles*

      I have been pretty fortunate as far as menopause, I only get hot flashes if I eat something with higher carbs or sugar so I am really trying to be more careful. Exercise has been a life saver, especially after having had a sedentary job (loving retirement) for over 40 years. Even just walking lifts my spirits and makes me feel great. I also make sure to lift weights or use weight machines at least a few times a week, talk about feeling good, nothing like getting your sweat on!

  15. CuriousLemur*

    I’m looking for advice on hiring a contractor or someone who can do odds and ends of fix-it stuff. I can use a hammer and a screwdriver, but that’s about it.

    One of the things I need to do is to replace the back porch on my house. It’s wood and is beginning to disintegrate. I don’t know if it makes more sense to use some not wood stuff composite or something that wouldn’t rot. Or should I have the porch removed and have something done to make a smooth surface, have concrete put on the ground, and add steps to the concrete. I want something that looks nice but isn’t terribly expensive.

    1. WellRed*

      Our landlord finally replaced our porch with composite. It’s beautiful, you can’t tell the difference and it’s not gonna splinter with age and wear. Cant can’t say how much it was though.

    2. Jm*

      I understand what it is like to be overwhelmed. Anything will be costly. Ask a neighbor or coworker for a recommendation of a known carpenter or contractor and visit with them. They may suggest a solution you never would have thought of. Then talk with a second carpenter. Just start- and it won’t be quick. A friend has been waiting a couple years for her trusted contractor but it’s someone with a good trustworthy reputation

    3. Llellayena*

      We’re planning exactly the same thing in our backyard. Switching out a wood deck for concrete paver patio. We’re getting quotes ranging from 16-25k (20×20 patio). Poured concrete I’ve been told is slightly cheaper but find out if it’ll work for your backyard. We can’t because we have a lot of tree roots that could cause cracking. Replacing deck with deck would probably be cheaper since you can reuse foundations and don’t need the ground prep for the patio base. Trex or similar composite wood products are a good option. We’re planning that for the stairs to the patio.

    4. sagewhiz*

      Can’t speak highly enough of composite! My front porch gets slammed with Florida’s summer rains, and the wood flooring was replaced twice—the second time after only five years. That’s when I ponied up for composite. Yes it’s more expensive up front, but cheaper in the long run.

      Composite was also used to build the back deck. Again worth it because there’s no need for regular pressure washing and re-sealing of the wood.

    5. AJB*

      I did a lot of asking friends and colleagues for recommendations, then narrowed my list down to two people. I met with both of them and they both gave me bids which were very similar. I ended up picking the one that I felt like had the best eye for design. He was able to take the basic idea I gave him for the project and add details that made it so much better. I think the other contractor would have done exactly what I wanted, but I don’t think the end product would have looked as good as what we have.

    6. Anono-me*

      I would suggest thinking about your long term plans for your home and how you hope to use the outside space.

      Is this your age in place forever home or is this a move in six or seven years when the youngest kid is launched home or something in between. Do you have huge parties or maybe a few friends over once in a while?

      If you are going to be in this house forever, I would suggest an absolutely huge slab poured patio sturdy enough to support a three season porch eventually, but with a small composit deck just big enough for a bistro table and a flower pot right now. Easy to maintain and entertain. Almost zero maintenance is needed, usually just a semiannual power wash. You and your partner can have coffee or dinner on the little deck and do family stuff or entertain or do projects on the patio.
      Then, if you want to, eventually you can add a sun room in stages. First stage: replace the little deck with a big wood deck. Second
      stage: add the roof framing and a few 1x4s with hook s for sail cloth. Third stage: add a proper shingled full roof. Fourth stage Enclose the deck with 80% super cheap (preferably reused) screened windows and 20% walls. Fifth stage: Add electrical and set up for mini split or prep for duct work for hvac. Sixth stage: insulate and finish the interior walls and add real flooring over the deck. Sixth and a half stage: go under the deck and insulate the floor and finish the underneath exterior to prevent insects, moisture, small animals, etc from becoming problems. (If you do stage six, you really should do this one also even if you wait a few years.) Seventh step, replace cheap windows with good ones. Final step, hook up hvac or install mini spit. Also, you can reuse the little composite deck for off of the sunroof.

      If you are only going to be in the house a short time, I suggest a pretty wood deck with enough space for big patio set and umbrella. You can stain or paint it when installed, then once again when you sell. If you follow the prep instructions from professionals, staining a deck is pretty easy amateur work. Why pay the extra for composite, when most of the benefits of composite are for long term and a goood wood deck vs a composite doesn’t impact overall home saleability much if at all. (IME People like composite, but unless the wood deck is in poor shape, it usually doesn’t influence a home purchase either way and most people won’t actually more for it, unless the deck is massive. )

      No matter what you do decide , please consider the following:
      Using wider boards on the top of the deck railing so people can set glasses and other things on it.
      The deck rails that are panel type with the gap underneath to sweep leaves or shovel snow off easily.
      If you do composite, stash a few spare pieces under the deck. so if you ever need to replace a part you have an exact match, even down to the weathing.
      Make the stairs extra wide so if you need to add a ramp on one side, you can.
      position the stair so you are not ‘chasing the hill’ or following the slope of the hill as this will mean more stairs and a higher cost. (Deck posts and stairs are usually the big costs proportionatly. )

    7. Alan*

      I don’t know about expense, and I generally loathe plastic-looking fences and windows and anything else, but we did get a composite deck, almost 20 years ago now, and I love it. Our windows are wood, our fence is wood, but we have composite decking. I just cannot bring myself to do (or pay for) maintenance of a wood deck. It still looks and functions great. One caution is that I’ve heard composite decking is different from wood decking in terms of installation skills. In fact, when we had it put in the guy initially balked (after accepting the job) because he said he had no experience with the decking material. But he ended up doing a good job. Just maybe find someone who’s done it before.

      1. Venus*

        I got cedar so that I don’t have to paint my fence or deck. I’ve had the fence 10 years and it still looks great! The color fades to a gray and I love the lack of maintenance.

        The cost for wood and skilled trades has become more reasonable in the last couple years. I’m glad that I didn’t replace the deck at the height of the pandemic.

  16. tigerStripes*

    I’m looking for organic ways to encourage my lawn and reduce the amount of dandelions and clover in it. I know clover’s supposed to be good, but I live in an HOA neighborhood, so…

    1. LACPA*

      You need to remove the dandelions. There are special trowels that work for this job. I was vigilant about getting the weeds out of our lawn, and one day I looked around the block and realised we were the only ones with NO dandelions. Everyone else just left them.

    2. Usually-an-AAM-lurker*

      Yes, I also used a special dandelion removal tool to physically remove dandelions. Works well as long as you keep on top of things, and the number in the lawn keeps decreasing year-t0-year.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      If the HOA isn’t asking you to get rid of the dandelions, please don’t! They are a great plant. They help unpack compacted soil, every part of them is edible and most parts are medicinal. I make a dandelion salve that helps relax totally tight muscles. It is amazing!
      Just coming from a different place here.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, I agree. I also think that they’re beautiful flowers, and if they didn’t grow so profusely, people’d pay good money to grow them in their garden. The seed heads are also very pretty when they’ve finished flowering, and the tiny parachutes are cute! They’re also an important source of nectar for pollinators.

        How do you make the salve?

        During and immediately following WWII when coffee was either impossible to get or very expensive, roasted and ground dandelion roots were a popular coffee substitute, at least in Finland. Some people still make it as a naturally caffeine-free coffee substitute.

  17. Clara Bowe*

    I just had a birthday and to celebrate I am going to a localist tourist attraction that I have never been to. It’s one that me and my family have driven passed for 30+ years and just… never gone?

    So! Are there any trips/places like that for you? Something that you have either meant to do at some point (and just haven’t) or that has been just a background place that has always BEEN there and just haven’t tried out?

    Morton Arboretum, here I come!

    1. Jackalope*

      I have a close friend who moved to my home town a few years ago and likes going out and doing stuff. One of the fun things about having her here is that I’ve done to so many of those places since she got here, taking her around to see everything. The main one I remember in particular is a local botanical garden that is meant to go to for years but only finally got to last year for the first time.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        A few years ago I had an acquaintance visit here in Seattle and we did the Underground Tour–I’d been once before, years ago, with my dad, but it was still fun and a bit humbling to realize any tourist who goes on it will know more local history than most people who live here.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I went on the tour at least once a year for the 10 years I lived in Seattle, because I went on it the first time when I was a tourist and loved it so much I took everyone who came to visit me, haha.

    2. Helvetica*

      There’s a famous touristy medieval restaurant in my hometown (in Europe) and while I’ve heard it does have good food and atmosphere, I’ve just never felt compelled to go. Maybe I’ll do it this summer, though, as I am moving back and maybe I will be feeling a bit like a tourist anyways.

    3. Madre del becchino*

      I live about half an hour from the Baseball Hall of Fame. I have been there twice, the last being over 20 years ago.

    4. Elle Woods*

      There’s a sculpture park about 20 minutes from my hometown. When it started about 30 years ago, it was kind of a “huh?” thing to the locals. The sculptures were weird, the park didn’t seem well run, the operating hours were odd. The park has really grown in popularity in the past few years and has done a really good job improving the quality of their sculptures (they have pics online). I should go there sometime soon and check it out.

    6. Can't Sit Still*

      One year, I took a vacation where I only visited local tourist attractions. I also bought and sent postcards to people, just as if I were actually on a faraway vacation. It was so much fun and I learned a few things about my area. I recommend it!

      1. Happy*

        There is a sculpture park near me in Seattle. Lots of strange sculptures but my favorite is the (maybe 30 ft tall) typewriter eraser. Like the ones that had a roller erasure on 1 side and a brush on the other? So fun!

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          I did a project on that artist, Claes Oldenburg, in high school. We had to replicate the artist’s style so I put a regular spoon in a tiny diorama lol.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Oh, so many! I live in southern New Hampshire, within an hour of Boston, and the entire region is just lousy with marvelous museums and historical homes and fancy gardens and attractions – I doubt I could have visited them all even if I’d been trying to collect the whole set. And that syndrome of “well, it’s right up the block so I can see it any time, don’t need to go today” does kick in; there are loads of “meant to get to it one of these days” places out there. Heck, the Arnold Arboretum in Boston is one: I really do want to visit, but just haven’t scheduled it yet. Maybe this year!

      I have found that geocaching has taken me to quite a few of this kind of place – not always the most famous ones, though I’ve found caches at some of those as well. And smartphones and the internet can help, letting me know if there’s something interesting near wherever I happen to be, and whether it’s open or not…

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Northern Massachusetts here and seconding that!
        The Gardens at Gethsemane Cemetery
        The Boston Public Library
        The Boston Athenaeum
        All the Trustees of Reservations places
        And every single town has its own historical society and/or museum. My own town has a church with a Paul Revere bell. How cool is that?
        I’m trying, but I’ll never get through them all!

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I need to make a trip to the Plimoth Patuxet living history museum in Plymouth (Massachusetts), but it keeps raining, and I’m having trouble walking (my other knee has decided to be a total a-hole). So incredibly frustrating.

      I’m scared to drive to it — driving here is confusing and I have massive travel anxiety, but I just have to suck it up, I guess, since there is no one to go with.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        What is it with knees? What did we ever do to you, knees? I wear comfy shoes and never made you do gymnastics.

    10. Peter B*

      One day I think I’ll go to Dinosaur World, since it’s one of my favorite roadside landmarks and it’d be easy to pair with a Mammoth Cave trip (which I have been to, when I was very young). I just want to know what the attraction is like, beyond the T-Rex on the side of I65.

    13. Dark Macadamia*

      Last month my family went to the Space Needle – I’d gone up once as a teen but my kids never had so they’d always ask about it when we were in the city for something else and we’d be like “maybe some other time.” It was fun!

      Also in the Seattle area, an artist installed several giant troll sculptures in various areas two years ago and I’ve been wanting to check them out (I thought it was only a year ago until I looked it up, yikes I really do procrastinate on everything). My kids went and saw one or two of them with grandparents last summer so I kind of lost motivation a bit but I still want to see them myself.

      1. Kathenus*

        I’m admittedly a huge Thomas Dambo troll lover – I’ve now seen 20 in 6 states so highly recommend you go see them. I haven’t been able to see the PNW ones but the pictures look amazing.

        1. GoryDetails*

          Oh, those trolls! I saw the ones in the Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens, and they were awesome!

        2. Dark Macadamia*

          Two of them are on islands so kind of a pain to visit, but one is very close to where I live and the others aren’t much farther. Definitely on my list for this summer, they look so cute!

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          No these ones are new but I’ve been to that one many times :) definitely a fun area!

    15. goddessoftransitory*

      The redone Seattle Waterfront/aquarium. I tried to go on my birthday, but it was a holiday and every kid in the land was there with their parents. I’m going to try again now that the weather’s nicer. And ride the big fancy Ferris wheel too.

    16. Zona the Great*

      Every time I’ve done a touristy thing in the town I live in with visitors, I regret that I hadn’t done it before.

    17. Cookie Monster*

      I love the Morton Arboretum! Same thing: lived relatively close all my life but never went until I was an adult and now I’ve been a few times. It’s beautiful!

    18. Cards fan*

      Enjoy Morton! Our parents took us several times as kids, but I don’t live near there anymore and haven’t been in YEARS. I remember it as being wonderful.

    19. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I grew up near NYC and as a native New Yorker have never been to the top of the Empire State Building and never went to Windows on the Worlds in the World Trade Center. Now I kind of want to go to the Empire State Building…

    20. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      I’d like to go to the Cloisters in New York. It looks so pretty when I see pictures!

    21. SalieriAffettuoso*

      I’m generally a homebody, so there’s plenty of local activities I haven’t done yet due to lack of interest/financial cost/time-spent-on-public-transportation cost. (One of those happens to be my area’s local museum.)

      I have a relatively sizeable travel bucket list, too. I still feel kind of sad that I couldn’t see Salieri’s grave and/or view one of his concerts, in light of his 200th death anniversary earlier this May.

    22. Londoner*

      Last weekend I visited a city where I lived for almost a decade 20 years ago. In addition to seeing friends, I made a priority of seeing tourist stuff that I had never seen before. One was an art gallery in a building that had been derelict when I lived in the city, but which I used to pass for a year on my way to work. Another was a historic house at the edge of town that had opened to the public a couple of years before I moved away but don’t remember anyone ever talking about at the time.

      Here in London, there are many tourist attractions I have never been to. The most prominent is Westminster Abbey. I have seen the outside, used to picnic lunch on the lawn when I worked in the general vicinity and have tried to go twice, only to find it closed to the public for one event or another. Some day!

    23. My Brain is Exploding*

      Lived in the ‘burbs for years, hope you enjoy it! I didn’t go there for a long time. Now in Nebraska and I have yet to make it to the SAC Museum.

  18. Vaguely Abundant/Abundantly Vague*

    A few weeks ago I asked for recommendations for a new washer and dryer. I ended up buying a mid-line Speed Queen washer and dryer. I was struck by how many of the commentariat recommended Speed Queen, did some more research, and found that several Speed Queen models were recommended by Consumer Reports. Speed Queen appliances are a bit spendy, but I bit the bullet and bought them anyway.

    Speed Queen washers are old school with good-old-fashioned agitators. They are probably not as water efficient as models by other manufacturers, but they do work very well. I was particularly struck by the one commenter who said that she was told the washer and dryer she bought were the same as commercial models sold to laundromats, except that they didn’t have coin receptacles on top. Those were the models I ended up buying and I’m very happy with them so far. The washer is a bit noisier than I would have thought, but not excessively so and it really gets my clothes clean. Thank you again to everyone who responded to my earlier request.

    1. RLC*

      If you haven’t yet gotten the drying rack for the dryer, I highly recommend it. When we bought our Speed Queen set, the warranty registration card stated that we would receive a drying rack free simply by filling in and returning the card. We did, and don’t know how we went so many years without a drying rack for the dryer. Even if you have to purchase it separately, we think it’s worth it. (I’m the commenter you mentioned; we’ve had our Speed Queen set for 13 years.)

      1. Arrietty*

        I’m struggling to visualise how a drying rack works in a dryer. Or is it separate – you dry in the dryer and finish by hanging on the rack?

        2. Filosofickle*

          It sits inside, horizontally, and stays flat while the drum rotates around it.

      2. Vaguely Abundant/Abundantly Vague*

        I had never heard of a drying rack for inside of a dryer before you mentioned it. Thank you, RLC! I learned something new. Who knew?

        It certainly sounds like a worthwhile accessory, especially for drying sneakers and tennis shoes, as well as for certain delicate items. I see that other manufacturers (other than Speed Queen) make them for their dryers, too.

        The rack sits in your dryer and provides a stable fixed surface that you can set items on, (while the tumbler moves in circles around it and hot air is blown into the dryer to dry your items). No more listening the thud, thud, thud of tennis shoes being tumbled dry. The rack has little legs in front that sit on the lip inside of the the dryer door opening. There are little arm like things in back and those sit in little dimples in the back side of the dryer.

        The free drying rack offer is no longer available at Speed Queen. They now want you to register your appliances online and no longer have registration cards with their warranty information. The racks are running around $100.00 each. You can order them online. (I’ve seen prices varying from $93.00 to $120.00.) On Amazon I found a generic rack that is supposed to fit inside dryers made by different manufacturers (including Speed Queen) for only $65.00, but I would be a little wary about buying a generic one, just in case it doesn’t fit.

        1. RLC*

          Another use for the drying rack: use the dryer to heat-treat small heat safe items to destroy any bedbugs or bedbug eggs in them. Many travel experts recommend heat treatment of luggage contents after travel to prevent transfer of bedbugs from hotels and transport to your home. The rack allows heat treatment of items which cannot be tumbled.
          Won’t get into the specifics as guidance is readily available online. Did check our dryer’s maximum temperature by putting a meat thermometer (the type that stays in the meat for the duration of cooking) on the rack and running the dryer.

    2. Zona the Great*

      Can I ask where you purchased them? I’m looking into Speed Queen as well but I am looking at the front loader option (they do make those too).

      1. RLC*

        Ours were purchased at a local independent appliance dealer. There is a dealer locator tool (by zip code) on the Speed Queen website which might help.

      2. Vaguely Abundant/Abundantly Vague*

        I used the dealer locator tool on the Speed Queen website. There were 3 stores within 20 miles of where I live that carry Speed Queen. One was part of a chain, but they didn’t have much in stock, only the top-of-the-line models and some of the lower-priced ones. I could have ordered them, but their delivery and installation prices were a bit on the high side. The two remaining stores were both locally-owned independent stores. One of them sold furniture in addition to appliances, but they only had Speed Queen dryers in stock. The remaining store that I bought from only sold appliances (other brands in addition to Speed Queen) but they carried Speed Queen’s entire line, had the models I wanted in stock, and their delivery and installation price was much more reasonable.

      3. Vaguely Abundant/Abundantly Vague*

        Speed Queen does make front loading washers and they are also generally well-thought of. I didn’t buy one because they were more expensive than the top-loading ones.

    3. Middle Name Jane*

      I don’t remember if I saw your earlier post, but I got my Speed Queen set last summer and love it.

    4. Spacewoman Spiff*

      Speed Queens are great! I bought mine because they’re the only brand of washer I could find that can be disassembled to fit through narrow doors. One thing to watch out for, I’ve found that when using the heavy duty cycle, the spin cycle is so powerful that it sometimes causes suds to overflow the waste pipe. According to google (and speed queen owning friends) this is a common issue. I didn’t run into it until I’d had my washer a few months, and it’s easy enough to handle by just tossing a towel behind the washer when I’m doing a load…just something to keep an eye out for.

  19. Honoria Lucasta*

    What a reliable sources for news these days? I logged off Twitter for meltdown May, and I’ve been really glad not to be on there getting hit with the discourse from all angles, but it means I’ve missed out on some big news headlines. I don’t need lots of in-depth analysis, I mostly just want the headlines (“tornado touches down in St. Louis”) in a timely fashion. I’m on an Android phone.

      1. Zona the Great*

        You want this person to purchase a bunch of local newspapers to get their local news? In 2025?

        1. Shiny Penny*

          You don’t need to get a paper copy unless you want to. The newspapers have websites, here in 2025!
          I love my nearest city’s newspaper. I can look at headlines only— if that’s all I can take on a given day. Or I can read the in-depth investigatory articles that they have the dedication and resources to produce.
          Yes, I pay for a subscription.
          My old economics prof, in my ONE “economics for non-economics majors,” stressed that if someone is offering you something for free, look carefully for how they are making a profit. Because they are likely making a profit off of YOU.
          I really look askance at all the noise against “legacy news media.” At least legacy news media is up-front about how they are making their money, and they can be held locally accountable for their actions (you can tell who and where they are). They want to be a respected, active part of their local society. You can learn their biases, which tend to be consistent over time— which is huge, because every source HAS biases, and you can learn and compensate for that. (Historically consistent specific biases can be interpreted accurately by the consumer.)
          There’s a reason “the fourth estate” has been considered a critical part of our democracy.

        2. Sophie's Mom*

          These days there are many nonprofit news organizations in the United States (many online only) doing high-quality local journalism. In my city, our three-year-old nonprofit news org just won a Pulitzer Prize for an examination of an important local issue. I encourage people to check out the Institute for Nonprofit News’ search page to find one in their area: https://findyournews.org.

        4. anona*

          They don’t specify local; they said “big news headlines”. Presumably St. Louis was an example and a tornado can be national news.

    2. ecnaseener*

      I use an RSS reader (Feedly). There are a bunch of news sources you can subscribe to, from mainstream newspapers to the reddit worldnews sub. (In practice, you probably only want one or two feeds for your news, or else you get the same story popping up from all your newspapers at once.)

    3. Sitting Pretty*

      I went to The Guardian a few years ago and never looked back. They have a US version.

      1. Charley*

        I use The Guardian as well. Them and NPR. I also have an NYT subscription through my work, so they’re not my only news sources, but if you are looking for broad coverage non-paywalled reporting those are my recs.

      2. Rogue Slime Mold*

        Seconding The Guardian. Which is pretty ridiculous that I find a paper not in the US better at sifting through the US news and reporting on it in a not irrational fashion, but that is where we are.

      4. Tea and Sympathy*

        The Guardian and NPR are my main news sources. They’re both free, but I like them and rely on them so much that I started supporting them. I also check Reuters, AP news and BBC occasionally.

      5. WS*

        The Guardian UK is extremely transphobic. The US and Australian versions aren’t except occasionally you get a UK opinion piece and you start reading it and have to abruptly stop when it gets to Evil Trans People Are The Cause Of All The Problems Actually. So heads up on that.

        1. Jill Swinburne*

          I have…never seen that?! Do you have examples of columns and columnists?

      6. Hedwig*

        If you want be reminded in every article that all the world’s ills are caused by Israel, and need a daily dose of antisemitic conspiracy theories about Israel, then the Guardian will do that for you because they need the clicks and that’s what sells to their audience.

      1. Girasol*

        I’m in the northwest and I subscribe to New York Times online. I read local papers online too but they don’t cover much beyond the accident on the freeway and who won the Friday night game at the high school.

        1. WellRed*

          I love the Times (was even getting the print delivered) but pulled back on news stuff after the election. Eventually, I’ll resubsribe.

    5. Tea Monk*

      The problem is that I want to use npr or even the new york times but there’s a lot of downplaying what’s going on so I’m not getting the full story. I used to listen to NPR’s daily podcast Up First to get a few headlines at least.

      1. Rogue Slime Mold*

        NPR turned itself on just as we climbed in the car after walk. The story could have been structured “Politician claimed a blatantly untrue thing –> Questions raised by being this dumb when so powerful –> What the video actually shows –> What the lie made about it is.” But it opened with the lie, which is not a good way to frame stories about fake news.

        I’ve fully given up on the Times and Post after they didn’t consider “candidate proposes day of violence for their supporters” to be the sort of important story one should cover.

        1. Tea Monk*

          Yes or they’ll platform some terrible guy but that only gives him airtime. They should lean into the public media thing! A lot of stories like ” people losing healthcare” need to be covered in a fact based way. But I hope NPR continues. They have some of my favorite podcasts.

      2. Girasol*

        It’s hard to find a US news source that’s not slanted. For US news from outside the US, The Guardian or BBC News are good. My husband liked to read Al Jazeera’s world news service, which he said seemed more balanced than most.

        1. Journo Sis*

          My brother works for Al Jazeera English – while they certainly have their biases (always gotta consider who owns a news source), they’re pretty solid on a lot of stuff, especially wrt to world news. Even their US coverage is pretty good.

      3. Roland*

        There’s no such thing as bias-free media or “the full story”. The solution is reading multiple sources, not writing off one of the best regarded papers because of a few ideological differences.

    6. Emily Byrd Starr*

      ABC World News Tonight with David Muir. On TV every night at 6:30 Eastern. You can also watch it on YouTube if you prefer. One of the best and most reliable sources of news.

      Twitter is one of the worst places to get news and information, because anyone can post anything without it being fact checked. TV news is more reliable.

    7. Hyaline*

      I just bop over to the NPR and BBC websites in the morning over coffee, and occasionally at lunch I hit the NYT (subscription through work). I’ve found that not having news in a “feed” format really helps–it’s a lot more like having a newspaper come to your house and you choose to pick it up an engage with it, instead of a news gremlin following you around demanding attention.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I just use the Google News app that was already on my phone. You can follow/hide specific publications and toggle between local, world, sports, etc pages. For big stories it automatically compiles headlines from multiple sources so if the first one that pops up is paywalled or a source you dislike, it’s pretty easy to swap it for one you’d prefer. I don’t think it’s great for in-depth news access but it’s perfect for scrolling headlines just enough to not feel clueless.

      1. Honoria Lucasta*

        This is the kind of thing I’m looking for! I never relied on Twitter to expand on the content of the news (I would see a headline and then go searching for reliable sources about it) but it would tell me just basically what was going on. The St. Louis tornado is the most recent example… I just had no idea that it happened because I wasn’t reading anything that would have given me a headline.

    9. Kathenus*

      News aggregate sites – like Google News and Yahoo News – can be good – just make sure that you don’t only look at the ‘for you’ tab so that you get more wide-ranging topics vs what the algorithms think you want. Google News is good because most headlines have a button you can press to see more articles on that subject so you can get more perspectives. I have many news sites bookmarked (ABC news, NBC news, CBS news, WaPo, NYT, BBC news, AP, etc.) to try to get different options to hopefully result in less biased news overall. But I avoid ones that are overly left or overly right. I’m definitely liberal but the far left sites, to me, are as overwrought and skewed as the far right ones so I personally don’t read any of those either.

    10. goddessoftransitory*

      Subscribe to a newspaper. A real one that isn’t Washington Post or Wall Street Journal (owned by Bezos and Murdoch respectively. Yes, I am biased.)

      I subscribe to the Seattle Times and get the paper version and a daily update in my emails. Support journalism!

      1. Busy Middle Manager*

        I was going to recommend the Wall Street Journal! I swear to God, it’s still the one paper with the least slant, and it’s sometimes had a slight left on things, even though I’ve heard people say it’s conservative. I see a veiled opinion here or there, but the meat of the articles often lacks the excessive opining other papers do.

        1. Sophie's Mom*

          I agree with the recommendation of the WSJ. I do believe they have a generally conservative opinion slant (which doesn’t typically align with my political viewpoints), but their straight news coverage is very balanced. If you compare a WSJ headline on a story with the NY Times’ on the same story, you can often see the difference. I subscribe to the NY Times and think they do an amazing job generally, but sometimes their POV is distressingly obvious.

    12. HannahS*

      I assume you’re in the US, but just in case you’re in Canada, I’ve really enjoyed the Globe and Mail. I use CityNews for local stuff.

      1. Jay*

        I’ve heard a lot about them lately and have been planning on giving them a try. Are they really as fair, reasonable, and context heavy as I’ve heard? Because that’s something I think I could really use in my life about now.

    14. Double A*

      The AP and Reuters provide pretty straight headlines.

      From your follow up comments it’s not clear if you’re looking for headlines/news or analysis/opinion. I like Vox for a mix of both.

    15. cheap ass rolling with it*

      I like ground.news

      They have neutral headlines that don’t get your blood pressure up.

      We stopped subscribing to NYT because it was getting biased, in our opinion.

      1. Busy Middle Manager*

        The NYT pains me! I had a break-up with them too. They began padding articles circa 2010. I don’t want to get to paragraph seven to find the first piece of information that isn’t bloviating. Around that time, they adapted the writing style where they had to find the most fringe case on any issue, and work backwards from there, in long paragraphs with unnecessary details, to tell us how to feel about any given issue, before really outlining what the issue was.

    16. Clisby*

      I subscribe to my local newspaper, the Wall Street Journal, the NY Times, the Washington Post, and The Dispatch (an online news/opinion site founded by people wh0 used to work at National Review.)

      I periodically check out Reason.com, for the libertarian point of view.

    17. Peregrine*

      ProPublica, Wired Magazine, Rolling Stone, and Teen Vogue have all had excellent post-election coverage.

  20. Pigpig*

    I met someone who had recently moved to my city from another country. It turned out our kids both have the same special needs so we instantly clicked. I went out of my way to help her with visa issues, with job searching, and various other things.

    Several months into our friendship, she asked if she could get fake employment papers from my family business. This would secure more favorable visa conditions for her. I said no, but I could arrange an interview to see if a real job offer was possible.

    She thanked me profusely for my help and consideration. Then after hanging up she blocked me then cut off all contact. I found out later she was hysterical and crying because I turned her down; then decided to go back to her home country. She left three days after our last conversation.

    Many more months later I got an email saying she was suing me. She claimed I promised her work at my business then withdrew it, forcing her to cancel her visa and leave the country. She was suing for emotional distress, the cost of the unused portion of her visa, and for her travel costs. In the email she detailed many complaints including that I “talked to her in a mean voice”.

    I am not in the US and not asking for legal advice. When I had a lawyer look into it he laughed and said it wasn’t even worth responding.

    What really gets me is….how? And why?? I am absolutely bewildered. We developed what I thought was a friendship. I went many extra miles without ever expecting anything in return. I remember her crying and hugging me saying she was so grateful for my help. Then when I said no to an unreasonable request she does…this?

    I know it’s not worth feeling angry and betrayed over such an awful person; that I’ve just stepped on mud. But emotionally it’s hard to disconnect and I am still feeling upset. Any advice over how to reframe what happened so I can stop ruminating?

    1. Six Feldspar*

      If you put the visa issue to the side for a moment, it sounds pretty close to getting caught up in a scam. You were unlucky to cross their path and they took advantage of you, but you don’t need to beat yourself up about it or swear to become cold and unhelpful so you’ll never be taken in again. I’d try to look at it as a learning to take new friendships a bit more slowly and protect your boundaries if people become too needy too fast, and not stress about it as much as possible.

    2. sagewhiz*

      Take Maya Angelou’s words to heart: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Repeat as needed.

      And thank your lucky stars that you dodged a bullet after only a few months, not years.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep. Someone I thought was one of my best friends turned on me after several years and I was completely blindsided. What I kept reminding myself was, whatever her issues with me were (and I never actually knew), this was how she chose to address them, and that was a her-issue, not a me-issue.

        1. sagewhiz*

          Oh, you know my former VBFE&E? 12 yrs, unconditional love, then wham, outta the blue…or so it seemed, w/in 2 months, 2 yrs ago. Still have no clue why, still not easy to evict these people from squatting uninvited in our heads.

          I also agree with Six Feldspar, as to this woman being up to some scam. Who knows, if you’d agreed to her request/ demand, she may have later tried to blackmail you to keep quiet about the false papers.

          1. Chauncy Gardener*

            That is an excellent point. Turns the whole thing into the gift that keeps on giving.
            For the scammer…..

    3. Sloanicota*

      That sounds painful, but I suppose you can try to reframe it; it sounds like she didn’t want to leave and now she’s grasping at straws to get back in the country. She may have decided some people will have to get hurt but it’ll be worth it if she can build any kind of case to get back in, even though it’s not likely to work. It’s likely not as personal as it feels to you. She’s just desperate.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I think if you go ahead and let yourself feel angry, betrayed, sad, and hurt over this, instead of denying that it’s “worth” those feelings, you’ll get through it quicker. Often when we ruminate, it’s because we are blocking ourselves from fully processing something that we need to.

      Of course your feelings are worth having. Your friendship toward her was sincere and real, even if hers wasn’t.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        Very much this. Whenever I’ve experienced something awful, I’ve always said “okay, I’m just going to wallow in these awful feelings for the next two weeks (or whatever time frame seems appropriate) and allow myself to feel evrything I need to feel.”

        A lot of times, I’ve managed to get over it long before the time frame I’ve set for myself because I allowed myself to get all those feelings out. Sometimes life sucks and acknowledging that (rather than trying to sweep it under the carpeting) helps you to get over it more quickly.

        tl;dr: Feel the feels, regret the regrets, and then move on with your life. Bigger and better things await you.

    5. Hyaline*

      This person was either mentally unstable and off-kilter, or she was angling to scam from the beginning. But the fact that she engaged on a personal level to do this makes it really upsetting, and when someone targets you like this, you find yourself questioning a lot of stuff when that happens–your judgment, your other friends, how you’ve read other relationships in the past, humanity in general. It’s ok to feel angry and hurt over this–it’s hurtful and awful!

    7. Aphrodite*

      Scammer. There might have been a visa, they might not have been. I suspect ripping off as much money as she could get out of you was the ultimate goal. Be grateful you missed that one. As for the lawsuit, it’s likely just another way to scam you–through fear. Roll your eyes and move on.

    8. Sometimes things are difficult*

      It is so sensible to feel angry and betrayed! Not fun, but sane. You were truly in the friendship for the friendship, and they were playing a long con game with you. I say feel your feelings, let yourself be the Golden Retriever of Love. Look up Captain Awkward’s “Reader Question #16: The Golden Retriever/Kwisatz Haderach of Love”

    9. Seashell*

      Unless someone you know and trust actually saw her cross the border or get on a plane, I’d take even the fact that she left the country with a grain of salt.

      She sounds mentally unstable, and that’s not your fault.

    10. Still*

      I just want to say well done on not letting yourself be dragged into an illegal situation. You were emotionally invested and wanted to help but you recognised that what was being asked of you was not okay and you didn’t let yourself be convinced otherwise. That’s such an important boundary to draw and I think it’s a sign that you’re compassionate but don’t lose your head.

      Not everyone you meet will be trustworthy, but at least you know now that you can trust yourself to offer the finger but not the whole hand. I hope that that knowledge will let you stay open to people after this betrayal.

    11. WS*

      At the most negative, it was a scam. At the most positive, she was under a lot of pressure that you didn’t see, and you were the only safe outlet for her stress and upset. I had a friend turn on me like that when I wouldn’t lend her a fairly large sum of money that I didn’t have. Six years later she got back in touch to apologise – it turned out her husband was stealing from his workplace and she was desperately trying to cover for him because he’d threatened to kill her, their child and himself if he got caught. (He got caught, he did not try to kill anyone, luckily.) Our friendship didn’t recover, really, but I did appreciate the apology.

    12. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      The friendship may have been genuine on her part, and then trauma and fear from past experiences may have caused her to breakdown when her hopes were not possible. Maybe there were pressures on her that she did not express. Maybe she left the country and is now back in the circumstances she had so wanted to leave. Maybe she is not the author of the threats. You won’t ever know, but of course you do want it to make sense.
      What you do know is that you were friendly and helpful to a stranger, and from your description that you ‘clicked’ you had things in common and enjoyed each other’s company. How things ended is mysterious, and upsetting, but it doesn’t negate your kindness, or willingness to connect with other people. Those are good qualities!

    13. allathian*

      Are you sure she even has kids, never mind kids with special needs? Have you met them? If you haven’t they may not even exist. She sounds like a total scammer and I’m sorry you had this awful experience.

  21. Six Feldspar*

    What’s something that you enjoy doing now that your younger self would be shocked or surprised at?

    E.g. if you’d told me twenty, ten, five or two years ago that I’d be actively signing up for group fitness classes and *dancing* and looks forward to them, I would have laughed until I had a coughing fit… And yet it’s happening, funny how you change over time

    1. Josephine Beth*

      Distance running! I swore I was completely not athletic, hated running and would only ever do it if I were being chased by a horde of zombies and/or rabid bears.

      My daughter asked me to train for a half-marathon with her last year, and I got hooked. I’m now training for another one, run some 5k and 10k races, and have a wardrobe that’s 95% running clothes!

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I read Born to Run by Christopher McDougall a few years ago and running finally clicked for me! I’m mostly a jogger but it’s fun!

    2. Texan in Exile*

      Bird watching. My college roommate used to get up early on Saturdays to go bird watching and I would ask her if she was an old lady.

      Well now I am approaching Old Lady and guess what? Bird watching is super interesting! Not interesting enough to get up early to sit in a marsh, but interesting enough that I have Merlin on my phone and turn it on whenever I am outside.

      Sometimes, I even use it to identify the birds on a TV show. It gets very confused when it hears the birds in shows shot in the UK. (And when I turned it on in the Costa Rican rainforest section of the Milwaukee Public Museum, which has recordings of jungle sounds, it showed the blue dot of hearing a bird but it took forever before it finally said, “Quetzal?”)

      There are so many birds! And they are so pretty and their songs are beautiful!

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re using Merlin on TV or movie birds: I hadn’t thought of that! I did know that a LOT of TV shows and movies use the scream of the red-tailed hawk as the generic “bird of prey” sound, even when the real birds make very different sounds entirely.

      3. Busy Middle Manager*

        You know what got me into it? Being in the middle of nowhere and hearing “monkeys yelling.” Realized it can be ravens, crows, or barred owls. Not every noise sounds like a monkey, but some do. Especially when it echoes in rocky areas, it sounds like a bunch of chimps! Stuff like that makes you did and go through every breed to find what it could have been, if you only heard, but didn’t see, the birds!

      4. Six Feldspar*

        Birds are so much fun to watch! I recognise a lot now that I’m keeping an eye out for them, my favourites are the tiny ones that hide in the bushes and swear at me

    3. Helvetica*

      Honestly – small talk. I am in a career where small talk with strangers is an integral part of the job (foreign service) and in high school, I loathed the very idea of it. But I have learned to separate my business self and private self and in the context of my job, I enjoy and am good at making small talk about anything at receptions, etc. Part of it is that I talk to people who are also operating in this line of work but I can also chat to just about anyone at this point.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I’m definitely getting better at small talk and it’s nice to be able to pass the time!

      2. The Dude Abides*

        Same, but also taking my diet more seriously.

        Protein shake every day for breakfast, and an entire rotisserie chicken and salad for lunch. And I mean every day, to where I have a office door tag that has my title as “Secretary of Poultry and Protein”

    5. sswj*

      Living in South Carolina and managing a retail store.

      I’m a New Englander born and bred, I’m a bit shy, very much an introvert. Yet here I am in the South, working retail, managing other people, and enjoying the hell out of it. My 20 yo self would have said “Impossible!” and gone back to solo snow shoveling on the quiet farm I worked for.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I like the idea of shovelling snow but it’s a pretty seasonal job, glad you’ve found something more permanent that works for you!

      2. Clisby*

        Welcome to SC! You might be missing that snow in a month or so, but outside of June-September, our weather is pretty awesome.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My mom was a medical coder and biller for my entire life, and in the pre-HIPAA days, would occasionally bring home paperwork and tell me to highlight anywhere I saw such-and-such number or something, to help her out. I whined incessantly about how this was so boring and I would rather drop bowling balls on my toes.

      Fast forward to today, when I have been a certified medical coder and working in revenue cycle management for over 20 years. (Mom worked for small family practices with just a couple of docs, my entire career has been in big academic medical systems, so there’s massive differences, but still.)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I actually just moved (within the system I’ve worked at for almost 11 years) from rev cycle operations into IT, where I am working on designing and building the rev cycle workflows in our new system over the next couple years. Big change but still related and definitely interesting!

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      Gardening. Up until last year I was saying “oh I don’t like gardening, I’m just doing the bare minimum for it to look adequate.” But then a plant didn’t flower much and I started googling how to prune it properly… and the strawberries didn’t make fruit so I found special fertilizer… and now I’m just like oh do I actually enjoy this? I’m still not great at it and don’t particularly care to put a ton of effort into improving, but it’s so satisfying to make a section of the yard look nicer than it was before.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        It’s much more fun when the pressure comes off! I’ve got a brown thumb (I can keep plants alive… Generally) but gardening is great on a fine day and I always sleep the best after it

      2. Clisby*

        My two bog plants have survived an entire year, but the pitcher plant is trying to crowd out the venus fly trap, so I need to repot the VFT pretty soon.

        We planted some milkweed, in hopes that it’ll grow and attract pollinators.

    8. Sitting Pretty*

      Attending athletic events. I was an artsy, bookish kid and a social-justice oriented young adult. Then I became a parent. My kid first got into basketball then into rowing. Now I’m the mom on the sidelines decked out in team swag, screaming and leading cheers.

    9. Aphrodite*

      Early bedtimes. Such a luxury now!

      Lots of time at home. I am completely satisfied to spend much more time there than anywhere else.

      No travel. I’ve done enough to satisfy me.

      Savings. I get enormous amounts of joy from spending as much of my income as I can on my savings.

    10. Cookie Monster*

      Eating vegetables. Hated them as a kid, love almost all of them as an adult.

      1. HannahS*

        Oh yes, me too. I ate pretty much only sliced, peeled cucumbers, then added baby carrots and raw broccoli as a kid, and that’s it. When I was a teenager I started adding a few more things here and there (starting with pureed soups because of the texture,) and now I insist on having 1-2 vegetable dishes with each meal. The only ones I still refuse to touch are peppers and olives.

      3. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        So much this! I kick myself when I think about how I grew up with a ton of homegrown vegetables I wouldn’t touch. If my mom were alive, she would be amazed at the number and variety of tomato plants I grew last year when I was the kid who didn’t want tomatoes unless they were in spaghetti sauce. And the zucchini and peppers I grew, and the mushrooms I love–when I was a kid, I thought they tasted like dirt.

    11. HannahS*

      Reading non-fiction. I read fiction exclusively (and extensively) until university, baffled as to why anyone would want to read something that isn’t a story. Then I started reading memoirs and autobiographies, which are really very much like novels. Then I realized that I kind of hated most general adult fiction–at least at the time, everything felt either Very Artistic or a Quiet Story About a Sad Woman. So I started reading more history and anthropology, and now I pretty much read non-fiction and some romances for fun.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I go through phases of fiction and non fiction, they’re both great in different ways!

    12. Still an owl*

      Enjoy would be a stretch, but I get up early voluntarily. In middle age, I can’t tolerate heat so getting up early is the only way I can do something I do enjoy (hiking). I’ve also found I like getting to work early. I left my first job out of college after less than a year, in part, because I couldn’t tolerate the 8am start time. Now I’m in a position where I could come in later if I wanted, but I’m one of the early birds. I never would have anticipated that when I was young.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Definitely agree! I was a night owl all through my teenage years and then a career with 6am starts broke me out of that… I still tend to stay up late but I really enjoy the early mornings and the evenings!

    13. Might Be Spam*

      Being single and happy about it. I got a late in life divorce and I am feeling so peaceful.
      Also, I took up several forms of dance and even though I started in my 60’s, I get compliments on my footwork. Dance has also given me a lot of opportunities for travel and meeting people. There’s a dance festival every August where I will see people from all over the world. We do a lot of “I’m not sure who you are, but I definitely danced with you last year!” This year, I will be one of the teachers!
      Running meetings! I’ve been running an online group since covid lockdowns started. I’m not even sure how that happened. I never even liked going to meetings, let alone actually running anything. I’m feeling so much more comfortable being in charge than I ever expected.

    14. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Studying Torah and learning Hebrew. My teenage self – heck, my mid-30s self would be utterly astonished.

    15. allathian*

      Living in a one-family house! I never thought I’d live in anything except an apartment until I met my husband. He does most of the rough work, but he likes it. If he didn’t, I’d never have agreed to the move. The best thing is that we don’t have to worry about noise when we watch movies in our movie room with a surround sound system or listen to music. Not loud enough to damage our hearing but certainly loud enough to be heard by neighbors in an apartment building.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        I’m glad it works for you, there’s a lot of upkeep in a detached house!

    16. KaboomCheese*

      Math. I was bad at math in school, mostly because I had trouble focusing and it frustrated me. Also it wasn’t interesting. I managed, got better at it, studied engineering, but never liked it.
      Later I started tutoring kids, homework help and stuff like that. And I had to explain math problems to them. And suddenly it all made so much more sense! And it actually became fun.

      1. Six Feldspar*

        Solidarity, I got through high school maths intact but really didn’t see the point of most of it until I left home and realised how much it’s used practically.

        I got into fibrecrafts and there is sooooo much maths involved! I’ve voluntarily done geometry and algebra to get a triangle scarf right and there’s so much work to calculate gauge and sizing for a jumper.

        1. KaboomCheese*

          A fellow fibrecrafter! How nice! I really got into stellated polyhedra for a while. Crochet the spikes and sew them together for a “ball”. Great for babies/toddlers because they are good to hold onto.

  22. Timeline Averse*

    My MIL (highly educated, smart, not great with people) sold her house to barely avoid foreclosure and chose to live in a hotel, just got banned from said hotel. Looping in state social workers we talked to earlier (who said don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm), but oof it is challenging helping someone who has refused to help others, is too mentally unstable to bring around toddler(s), and lacks basic human empathy. Anyone else deal with the same?

    1. MissB*

      I’m so sorry.

      We stabilized my mother’s living situation 20+ years ago, or rather, one of my siblings did. The sibling bought a house (I contribute to the small mortgage monthly). Mom lives there. It’s rural, she has neighbors she can’t stand because she cannot get along with anyone.

      She’s also a hoarder. She’s old enough that the hoarding has slowed down dramatically but she isn’t exactly taking care of the house. She’s fired the lawn crew and the housekeeper (not that she pays for them).

      She has a history of falling and being unable to get up. She refuses medical alert devices.

      For all I know at this moment, she is safe. She won’t talk to any of her kids currently (it’s been a month now).

      I’m prioritizing relationships with people that love me. She does not, so I’m keeping her at arms length for my own mental health. Sadly, the bottom line is that the state she lives in makes it hard to “interfere” in her life in any way as long as she seems somewhat mentally competent. This is super long, but that’s my point. Take care of yourself; she’s making choices you can’t control. It’ll all fall apart at some point but it’s not going to be in your control to stop it from happening.

      1. Indolent Libertine*

        The details are different, but… I needed to read this just now. All the best to you and yours.

        1. MissB*

          Thanks. It’s so very hard to not get involved each time.

          Hope your situation works out.

    2. Might Be Spam*

      My mother’s social worker told me that she had a right to make stupid decisions. It made me feel a little less responsible but still very frustrated. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion and we couldn’t do anything about it. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

  23. Lifelong student*

    Crocheters- I came across an app called “My Crochet Designer” Looking for input on it.

  25. Chronic*

    My birthday’s coming up in June and I’m thinking that I might want to have a birthday dinner with my friends, either at my place or a local restaurant. What’s the etiquette around that? Am I allowed to hold my own birthday party or is that weird? What should I say in the invitations?

    (Early twenties. And only been in my city a few months, so these friends wouldn’t know my birthday if I don’t say anything.)

    1. Amethia Tope*

      My husband did this for his birthday for many years in a row! He’d let folks know that we’d be at a restaurant from 5-9 or whatever, and invite people to come and go as worked for them! I don’t remember but I’m sure he said “no gifts”, and I think other than that, it’s totally ok to throw your own birthday get together! The restaurant was not super spendy, and since enough folks were coming and going, it didn’t stand out if someone didn’t get a whole meal.

    2. sswj*

      It’s your birthday and you can do anything that makes you happy! Ask for a get-together at a restaurant, and if you want to treat say so in the invite. Or do something at home and either do all the hosting yourself, or ask for BYO dish or drinks or whatever.

      Think about what you want from the gathering and go from there! No real rules when its a casual thing.

    3. Grits McGee*

      I know official etiquette arbiters say that you shouldn’t throw yourself a party, but honestly if you don’t do it no one else will. (And throwing yourself a party is probably less gauche than asking someone else to throw you one.) The important thing is just to make sure everyone is on the same page as far as costs.

      If you’re planning to host/pay, then that’s easy. The invitation can say “Hi friends, my birthday is on June 15. I’d love to have everyone over for dinner/host everyone at [restaurant] at 6pm on the 14th/. Let me know if you can make it!”

      If you want to go a restaurant but have everyone pay their own way, then I wouldn’t send invitations. I would just email/text and say, “Hey, it’s my birthday on Tuesday- I’m planning to go to [restaurant], would you like to join?” (I wouldn’t send a formal invite for an event that people will have to pay their own way; an invite implies you are hosting and bearing the cost of entertaining your guests.)

      Since these are relatively new friends, I wouldn’t expect gifts, cards, or for them to pay for your food.

      1. Reg*

        I think I would be more explicit that you aren’t paying for everyone, otherwise people are going to be confused.

        1. Clisby*

          Yeah, if you’re inviting people you should pay.

          And I’ve never heard that etiquette says you can’t throw yourself a party. You just need to pay for it.

          1. Still*

            In their early twenties?

            In my early twenties everybody would absolutely assume that everyone pays for themselves at a restaurant. Even if someone was hosting at home people would likely ask what to bring or how much to chip in.

            I think it’s good manners to make it very clear in advance if and how much the guests are expected to pay, and be gracious towards the people who opt out, but “if you’re inviting people you should pay” is just not a thing that anyone I know could afford in their twenties, and certainly not a thing anyone would expect.

            I’m in Europe, but I expect it varies more with the economic class than with the region…

            1. Reg*

              I agree. In early twenties no one would expect you to pay for everyone unless you are rich. I would still make it clear, though, just in case.

      2. Usually-an-AAM-lurker*

        This is so weird to me. If someone invites me to a restaurant I assume we’re all paying for ourselves. I’ve been to many informal celebrations in restaurants over many years, and it’s never been ‘hosted’ by the host in the sense that they were paying — unless my parents were the ones who invited me. Is this regional? A social class thing? Do people really do that? (ie/ invite people to join them in a restaurant and then pay their bill?) I’m kind of astonished. And yes, I just held myself a birthday celebration in a restaurant, everyone paid for themselves, and no one expected things to go any differently.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Yes, it’s okay to host your own birthday event. If you want to have a “party,” that’s fine but then I do suggest either having it at your place or paying for the guests if it’s offsite. If you don’t want to pay for the whole thing, I think it’s better to phrase things more casually as “I’ll be at X location from 5-8 pm, please drop by anytime. The venue has good burgers and craft beers!”

      I was lucky and found a venue that would let me reserve a few bar tables at no charge so people could come and go. One of my friends always chooses a weeknight at a casual brewpub and just stakes out a corner of the bar. I did know one person who would invite folks to a reservation-based, sit-down restaurant meal and they knew to pay for themselves, but I think that’s awkward if you don’t know each other well, especially if the venue doesn’t provide separate checks.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Go for it! Just specifically say whether you’re paying (or what you’re paying for, like if you plan to buy everybody’s first drink or something). As long as you’re clear, I think anything goes, pretty much. (Also if you can, include a link to the menu so people who have food issues or are just picky can plan ahead.)

      1. Cosmic Crisp*

        Yes, this! I am fortunate financially among my friends, so I took them out for an escape room and late dinner last birthday and we had so much fun. Was not weird at all. I said I’d pay ahead of time, a few of them brought small gifts, all good.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          (Ok funny, I just got a bag of Cosmic Crisp apples in my grocery order today.)

    6. Higher ed Jessica*

      Invite people to whatever but don’t tell them it’s your birthday till they get there. Avoids possible gift-related awkwardness.

      1. Rainbow Brite*

        This would be weird, surely. And some people might decline then later be upset that they didn’t have all the info to decide.

    7. Hyaline*

      Frankly, I wish more people did this! The older I get, the fewer events and occasions seem to crop up, and it’s hard to find time to spend with friends. I’d absolutely welcome it becoming more normalized to host a simple get-together at home, or say “I’m going to Chez Food for my birthday, anyone who can join is welcome!”, or whatever. The only potential hangup is making sure the wording is clear that you’re not paying if it’s a restaurant outing, if that’s the case. I think, if you’re able, paying for something but not everything can actually clarify this easily–“Appetizers are on me!” or “I’ll buy the first round of cocktails!” with the obvious implication that entrees or further drinks are on the individual.

    8. Unicornucopia*

      A lot of people I know do that, either texting people in a group chat or individually to get a headcount for a reservation (“hi I’m having a party at blank place at blank time, please let me know by Wednesday if you’ll be attending so I can give the final head count”), or say something like “oh I’ll be at this brewery from 2-5 if you’re able to join!” if you want to make it more come and go. I’m in your age group and am not of an area/group where throwing your own party is weird or a consideration at all, I’ve only heard that for showers and even that’s falling out as an idea I think. But totally get your friends together! Parties are great!

    9. slowlyaging*

      I avoided the gift situation by doing the following. I don’t have a specific friend group… aka not all my friends know each other. I invited 30 people to my house and told them it was my birthday and what I wanted for my birthday was to be entertained. I divided them into groups with extroverts and introverts mixed. Had food ready and laid out music and books on the tables. Let them eat and then…. I had the most fun evening. Everything from rapping a fairy tale to a fig newton cookie commercial. Just don’t make it a gift grab and everyone will enjoy it

    10. Still*

      I’m in my early 30s and I honestly don’t remember the last time I went to anyone’s birthday that they didn’t organise themselves! In my experience, as soon as you’re too old for your parents to organise your birthday, you do it yourself, or it doesn’t happen.

      As others have mentioned, tell people when and where, specify who’s paying (and the price range if you’re expecting them to pay), say no gifts, and you’re good.

  26. Turtle Dove*

    Any tips to help a cat with early-stage kidney disease? He was diagnosed yesterday. I’m switching to the k/d diet from Hill’s (already picked up a sample pack from the vet) and want to do more. He’ll be 18 next month but still begs to go outside supervised and run up trees. I’m sick at heart imagining life without him. Of all the cats I’ve ever loved, he’s the goofiest and most affectionate. I’m eager to help him out and ready to learn and do more. Thanks!

    1. sswj*

      I’ve had several with that issue, and quite frankly at that age I’ll do whatever keeps their quality of life better. I’ve found most cats don’t much like the kidney diets so I just let them eat whatever they like, and supplement with lots of soupy canned food. I currently have a 17 yo and an 18 yo, and now it’s definitely Quality over Quantity for he time they have left. I have done subcu fluids for cats in the past but most really don’t enjoy the process, and even if not doing it shortens their life by a few months I would rather their last year not have me poking them with needles and making little hunchbacks out of them.
      I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a downer. Vets are hardwired to save and extend the lives of their patients, (and I am NOT denigrating vets with that!) but sometimes it really does come down to the *best* last years/months/days over the most possible.
      Keep an eye on your sweet boy, and go by what he tells you. If he’s still happy to gallumph around being goofy, that’s great! Make sure first and foremost he’s getting lots of liquid into his system. If he’ll happily eat the kidney diet that’s great, but keep an eye on his weight. If he doesn’t eat it well and drops weight that’s not going to help him. Better to have him eating something well.

      ***I am not a vet or formally medically trained. I just have had many, many cats over the years who have lived to late teen years ***

      Skritches to your grand ol’ man!

      1. mreasy*

        Agreed and have had two kidney cats who reached old age. Canned food with extra water is ideal, but anything they’ll eat is best. I had great results with a supplement called Aminavast, tasteless sprinkle caplet. I got very good at subQ fluids. All worth it for their quality of life!

    2. Snowfall*

      Our elderly cat with kidney disease was diagnosed 7 years ago and just keeps on living his cat life. He is 20 years old now. He is also prescribed Hills, which is fine, but he also eats other cat food (we have 2 other cats and they steal each other’s food at times) and it doesn’t appear to negatively affect him. He takes Benazapril daily, crushed up in his food. We have multiple cat water fountains scattered across the house. A few months ago a vet suggested subcutaneous fluids and we tried repeatedly with some success, but he clearly hates it, so we have backed off.
      He is living his usual, happy life and I hope your cat does too. We are lucky to have sweet cats in our families! Hugs to you.

    3. Neither Here Nor There*

      I’m so sorry to hear this! Kidney disease is the worst.

      IV fluids are tough. If you cat ends up needing them, ask if your vet can help you practice. Some very kind nurse technicians at my vet were willing to help us practice until we had the process down. We had to go back a few times.

      For food, it is sadly true that a lot of cats don’t love kidney food. (But not all! Weirdly enough, my two healthy cats LOVE the Hills kibble and the Royal Canin wet food. I have to separate everyone, because otherwise they’ll try to shove the kidney cat off her food.) If your cat needs a little encouragement, you can try adding a little bit of water to the food or heating it up in a microwave for ~6 or 7 seconds. Stir it up and test it, because you don’t want any hot spots in there.

      There are a lot of different kinds of wet food, so if your cat hates the k/d, there are a lot of other options out there. Our vet let us buy 1 can of a TON of different brands, and I kept a spreadsheet of which ones she liked.

      1. one of the many librarians*

        Subcutaneous (under the skin) — NOT IV (into a vein) fluids; IV take a lot more skill and have different purposes. I’ve done subQ, and a lot depends on how sick the cat is feeling; a dehydrated cat may feel so much better with fluids that they learn to go along with it.

        Kidney diet and wet food went a long way for us.

    4. RMNPgirl*

      Look into the GIF tube for subq fluids. We gave them to our family cat every night for 4 years using this tube. We could not do the fluids with the needle but the tube worked really well!

    5. tabloidtainted*

      If he gets to a stage where subcutaneous fluids are recommended, please do try them. The feeling of excess thirst, the dehydration, and the buildup of toxins because the kidneys aren’t functioning properly can make you feel absolutely miserable. Cats are good at hiding that type of discomfort. Fluids are not just about extending their lives, but increasing their comfort.

      Eating is important! If he seems nauseous, meds can help. None of my cats have ever enjoyed kidney diets, so I don’t bother, but I do keep an eye on things like phosphorus.

      The website FelineCRF is a treasure trove of fantastic information. They also have a forum.

    6. RLC*

      Ask your vet if they recommend any kidney support supplements for your cat. One of our cats has kidney failure: in addition to the Hill’s K/D the vet had us add a medically proven mineral supplement to her diet. Powder form mixed into a creamy treat 3x/day and she loves it.
      This is the high energy/leaping spider monkey/furry gargoyle cat I mentioned in another comment thread, so guess we’re doing something right.

    7. Turtle Dove*

      Thanks, everyone. You shared so many good ideas for us to explore. I appreciate that as well as your support and encouragement.

    8. But not the Hippopotamus*

      My young cat recently developed kidney disease secondary to antibiotic-induced anemia, so I feel your pain. Our vet is recommending trying to switch to wet food (was on all dry due to upset tummy from antibiotics), encouraging water, and due to high phosphorus (i think) levels, has ordered something to bind that in his food to help take the load off. Not sure if that would apply in your situation.

  27. looking for a wool dress*

    A couple of weeks ago on the weekend AAM there was a thread that touched on merino wool dresses. Can anyone recommend such a dress that is just below knee length and has pockets? My size is M or L, and I’m a grey-haired Old and not trying to pretend otherwise.

    Woolx is having a great 24%-off Memorial Day Sale now, but their dresses are either way above the knee or maxi-long and/or don’t have pockets.

    1. Llellayena*

      Can you get the maxi length with pockets and get it hemmed? Just below the knee is a tough length to find. I usually see just above the knee or mid-thigh. No experience with the wool dresses specifically though, allergies in the family…

      1. Defective Jedi*

        And it looks like the Long version of the shorter dresses adds 3″ to the length only, not the sleeves or torso. Good luck!

      2. Fellow Traveller*

        I have several Wool& dresses. I love them, but the material is on the thinner side for most of their dresses. The Sierra tank dress is thicker material. I’m 5’3” and I get them in the long length. Read the description- they don’t all have pockets. They have a pretty good return policyz

      3. Bike Walk Bake Books*

        Not all Wool& have pockets although most do. I have a couple of their dresses and really like them.

        You might also try these search terms on poshmark or ThredUp if you don’t mind buying used.

    3. HamlindigoBlue*

      Simply Merino has one right now on their site that’s sleeveless, just below the knee, and with pockets.

    4. Chauncy Gardener*

      Title 9 has great dresses, including merino. Maybe not at this time of year in the US, but I have a really nice one from them. With pockets!

  28. Emily Byrd Starr*

    My 25th college reunion is next weekend, and I’m conflicted about going. I’m currently unemployed (though I have been offered a part time position in the fall) and looking for full time work, and I know that the first question that everyone will ask me is “What are you doing for work?” I feel like explaining my situation again and again to so many people is just going to add to my depression that I’ve been struggling with on and off for years.
    I texted my old roommate, who I had planned to go to Reunion with, and told her all that. She said that she was sad to hear that, and tried to encourage me to go and not to be ashamed of it.
    I know that I *shouldn’t* be ashamed of it, but it’s still going to increase my depression. Plus, there’s a certain classmate who I have a toxic history with, and I’m hoping to avoid him. The more I think about it, the less I want to go to reunion. I’m not feeling the enthusiasm that I felt in previous years. I just feel that given my education (I have a master’s degree in addition to my undergraduate degree that I got 25 years ago) and my abilities, I really ought to be doing better career-wise than I am now. Plus, the alumni magazine came in the mail a couple of days ago, and I learned that some of my classmates are in high positions and doing meaningful work. Just comparing myself to them makes me feel worse.
    Still, part of me feels like I *should* go just so that I won’t regret it. The 25th is kind of a milestone year. Yet, I honestly feel like this year, the cons outweigh the pros. There really isn’t anyone in my class who I’m dying to see again. I keep in touch with my closest friends, and as for the rest of my classmates (other than the one I had a toxic history with) if I see them again, great, if not, no big deal. As for the staff and faculty who made a difference in my life all those years ago, they are either deceased or retired.
    Just writing this out makes me realize that it’s probably not a great idea to go, but I was wondering if anyone had any other advice.

    1. ruthling*

      if it’s not so much of an outlay in time and money that the financial aspect itself causes stress, I think you should go. It will be awkward, yeah, and you might feel uncomfortable about your place in your own life, but at the very least it will be an interesting experience you won’t be able to do another time, and you might meet some people you didn’t realize you missed, or learn something great.

      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        It isn’t really an experience that I’ll never have the opportunity to do again, though. We have reunions every five years (except for 2020 because of COVID).

    2. Hlao-roo*

      I think it’s totally fine to skip this year! The following isn’t intended to change your mind, just a few thoughts I had from reading your post:

      the alumni magazine came in the mail a couple of days ago, and I learned that some of my classmates are in high positions and doing meaningful work

      I’m not 100% sure how alumni magazines work, but my assumption is that people submit their own “look what I’m doing now!” blurbs, so only the people who have good news share it. The social media advice “don’t compare your blooper reel to other people’s highlight reels” applies here. I’d bet that at least a few of your classmates are also unemployed or underemployed right now, but they aren’t submitting “John was laid off in January 2025 and hasn’t had any luck with his job hunt so far” and “Jane is currently stocking shelves in a retail store while she looks for an engineering position” to the alumni magazine.

      I feel like explaining my situation again and again to so many people is just going to add to my depression

      Is there an alternate explanation that would be easier for you? Something that’s still (mostly) true, just emphasizes different things? I’m thinking something along the lines of “I’m not working at the moment, but I’m going to start [part time job] in the fall, and I’m looking forward to growing a full garden this summer!” You don’t have to mention that the job you’re starting is part time, or that you’re looking for full time work. If you’re positive and immediately ask the other person a question (especially a subject changing question like “what fun plans do you have for the summer?”), you probably won’t get too many prying questions about your work situation and can quickly move on from that topic. Could be useful for the reunion (if you decide to go) but can also be helpful in non-reunion situations when people ask you about work.

      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        After thinking about it, I realize that yes, there’s an alternative way to answer the question. I can just say “I have been working at X for the past several years with Z,” which is technically true. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I’ll be more disappointed if I don’t go than if I do. I *had* been really looking forward to the reunion, until yesterday (when I was already feeling depressed about a number of things) when it occurred to me that the first thing people would ask me was about work. But then after discussing it with other people and deciding not to go, I felt very sad and disappointed with my decision. Like I was chickening out by not going. I still have a few more days to make up my mind, but if I had to choose right now, I’d go.

    3. BellStell*

      Would you be up for networking with the folks there maybe? Treat it like a trade show job fair?

    4. Filosofickle*

      Have you been to prior reunions? I have been to a few, and it was surprisingly easy to avoid talking about awkward things, and at the 20+ mark very little came up about work at all. No one seemed to care. So many people are struggling despite what the alum magazine says, its’ really normal for people to just be getting by.

      Having a few canned responses that deflect are helpful.
      “What do you do for work?” “Oh, I’m in marketing”, no details necessary but you can talk about the kind of work you enjoy without saying unemployed if you want to
      “How are things?” “Crazy these days, but so good to be back in town to see all of you!”

      At the last one, a friend I went with just had major surgery she didn’t want to talk about and I was a flipping mess due to breakup. We went in with scripts that would let us touch on it very lightly when we wanted to, then bounce away. In the end, both of us ended up feeling more comfortable than we thought being open.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Either one is fine. If you don’t go, it’s nbd. You already keep in touch with the folks you want to. But I wouldn’t let the unemployment itself keep me from going if otherwise you’d like to. As others have said, have a script ready and be prepared to immediately pivot to a new topic. People usually respond well to questions about themselves, or innocuous gossip/comments on the proceedings. Most people are just making conversation and don’t care much if you pivot, and the ones who do notice are not out to make you uncomfortable and will probably follow your lead.

      If you’re very worried, have a firm final script if someone were to push you, on purpose or unintentionally. “Everything is so crazy right now with ~waves hands~ the state of the world, I just don’t have the energy to talk about work. What’s your favorite memory from senior year?”

    6. Reba*

      I say skip it, do something nice for yourself on that day instead. Throw the magazine out.
      (I’m not one for reunions anyway, so I know I wouldn’t regret this personally) Think of this as self-care if you want to!

    7. Forrest Rhodes*

      I agree with other commenters that if you really don’t want to go, you shouldn’t—you’re not obligated to attend.

      My own experience is that at pretty much every reunion I’ve attended (and I’m old; there have been several), I’ve encountered someone who was a casual acquaintance in school—or even less, just someone I would say “hi” to in passing between classes—who turned out to be one of the best encounters of the evening. Often this led to a continued friendship (online or in person) later, often it didn’t, but just that conversation at the event made attending worthwhile.

      YMMV, but my fallback position was always “It’s fun to dress up every now and then, I get to talk to some people I really want to see, and if it becomes not-fun after that, I can leave!”

    8. Reg*

      If you do go, you might give some thought ahead of time about how you want to deal with Mr. Toxic. Practice some phrases you like in front of a mirror in case he speaks to you. Or be prepared for an apology! I got an unexpected one from someone at our 20th. She just came up to me unprompted. Also, it’s great that you are going with a friend.

      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        I’ve decided that if I see him, I’ll just be polite and friendly, and if he brings up the topic that led to our toxic falling-out, I’ll just say, “I’m not talking about that,” and then walk away if necessary.

    9. Texan in Exile*

      Go! We have been going to almost every reunion in the past ten years. They’re great.

      I had just lost my job before my 20 year reunion and I was worried about all the successful people who would be there. They were there, but it was fine. I felt a little awkward but I got over it. And I met my Used Husband at the reunion – 20 years is when the divorces start, I guess.

      By my 25th, the divorces were accelerating and people were leaving their high-powered jobs. I discovered people with those jobs had actually hated their jobs. There was this collective feeling of “This is not how I thought my life would turn out,” but in a “We’re in this together oh well” way as opposed to any competitiveness or envy.

      One of the best parts – and yes I am petty like this – was seeing a former flame who turned out to be a jerk. He had not aged well at all.

      The other good part is I have made new friends at my reunions. You have this common biography that creates an instant bond. That’s not easy to find elsewhere in life.

      Go. You might be pleasantly surprised.

    10. Tahiti sand*

      I think your concerns are valid, and I don’t think trying to force yourself to feel positive is useful.

      I didn’t go to my 20-year reunion because it was 2008, I had been laid off twice within one year, and I was scraping by working several part-time retail jobs. I later heard through the grapevine that a classmate made a show of gossiping that I’d checked her out at X store, and her group of mean girls enjoyed jeering over my misfortune. I’m very glad I didn’t go.

      1. Emily Byrd Starr*

        Since I posted this earlier today, I’ve come to realize that my decision not to go was actually making me feel more depressed, not less. So I’ve decided that I’m going to reunion.

    11. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      It isn’t only the people, it’s the place. Were there favorite hangouts? Do you want to know how they’ve changed? Walk through the quad or whatever space meant something to your younger self? See if they still make great milkshakes at the deli? Revisiting the place could bring you some memories of fun or meaningful events that happened there. (For my university I’m betting that walking into the student bookstore I’d be taken back to those years by the way the place smells.)

      When I’m at mingling things, even ones aimed at professional connections, I sometimes get in front of work talk by asking “What do you do for fun?” People are so primed to expect that to be a question about work that you can see the change in their facial expressions. They’re *relieved* to talk about something they choose, something they find enjoyable. You can spend a lot of time on gardening or movies or reading or what-have-you (as this space often proves) and never even talk about That Other Place.

      I like the suggestion from Hlao-roo about making your summer off an enviable thing (I know I’d love that!) and forecasting the coming job, if someone does ask you. If you’d want to talk about what you used to do you could add “A while back I was XYZ-ing and learned so much” but people have so much more in their lives I think you could preempt with hobbies and be fine.

      You can also ask if they have pets, gardens, children or grandchildren, assuming these aren’t topics where you’d feel disadvantaged in a mental comparison you assume is being made. You’ll be their favorite person if you look at the pictures.

    12. David*

      For what it’s worth, I think realizing that skipping this reunion is something you might regret later, and incorporating that into your decision-making process, is a smart and mature thing to do, so you could feel a bit proud of yourself for that. :-) It might be worth some discomfort in the short term to avoid having to live with that regret in the future. (Or it might not, but nobody other than you can make that decision for you.)

      I do also very much agree with the other commenter who warned against comparing your everyday life to other people’s highlights.

  29. Jelly in my wine*

    Doulingo just gave me a sentence that translated to “do you want jelly in your wine”. Is this just weird way to teach new words, or is jelly in wine a thing somewhere?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Duolingo sometimes does goofy sentences because it can help the vocabulary stick, I’ve read.

    2. YNWA*

      Duolingo is going all in on Generative AI and ditching the people who used to create such sentences. So, it’s likely a ridiculously AI-generated sentence. It may help you remember the words better because it’s so odd, but no, jelly wine isn’t a thing.

    3. Hyaline*

      Part of Duolingo’s schtick has always been absurd sentences (it’s not a new thing with AI). They claim it helps enhance your vocabulary learning as you can’t rely on context clues. I’ve never heard of jelly wine (either Brit or American jelly!) so I assume that’s what is happening.

      1. YNWA*

        It may not be new, but it is true that Duolingo is replacing humans with AI and I would expect such absurd sentences to increase. Granted, Duolingo doesn’t present itself as a culturally educational tool so it probably isn’t harmful. There’s an article from April 2025 on Verge titled “Duolingo will replace contract workers with AI” that discusses the move.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          There is such a thing as wine jelly*, but this does sound like a AI error.

          *Nigella Lawson has a recipe for a rhubarb and sauternes one in one of her earlier cookbooks.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I have also seen recipes for jelly made from a mixture of juice and wine, by the US definition of jelly, and I made a joke in my own head about “isn’t that just a more bourgeois Jell-O shot?” :)

          2. UKDancer*

            Wine gelee is very common in some parts of Italy and Germany and I will sometimes buy it when I’m there. It goes very well with red meat and also with cheese or pate. But you don’t usually have it with wine, it’s made from the wine as I understand it. So when I am in a German department store with a food hall it’s one of the things I usually look for (alongside prepared bratkartoffeln).

    4. GoryDetails*

      Sorry to learn that AI is taking over the “weird sentence” business. I remember my delight in Karen Elizabeth Gordon’s book The Transitive Vampire: a Handbook of Grammar for the Innocent, the Eager, and the Doomed, which included examples like:

      To illustrate, say, demonstrative adjectives, Gordon uses “this contretemps, those rhapsodies, that samovar, these mishaps”.

      More elaborate ones:

      “Not the vampires but the sandman has made a mess of this schloss.”

      “The hand that is languishing on the windowsill once was mine.”

    5. Jill Swinburne*

      It’s just weird. The German one had something about an elephant and a giraffe in a boat, or something equally silly.

      The Scottish Gaelic one has a long-running joke about Iain not wearing underpants, stealing stuff (sometimes aided and abetted by Màiri) and climbing mountains naked. Much mirth is had on Facebook. Admittedly that one was actually developed by human volunteers (I’m betting one of them has a brother or mate named Iain) and I’ve found it the most engaging. And I will always remember what ‘underpants’ is in Gàidhlig!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        The one that always sticks with me is the bear, looking very sad and saying, “But why is he in our bed?”

    6. Kay*

      And this is why Duolingo is best known as a way to keep you engaged – by gamefying some daily practice – not for its ability to do a good job at teaching you the language.

    7. Gigi*

      Well, The Victorian Way playlist on YouTube does have a video about champagne jellies so I suppose they could be made of wine as well.. XD

    8. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      If you’re into canning you can make wine jelly. Too bad they didn’t have you say “Do you want jelly from your wine”. :D

    10. KaboomCheese*

      Duolingo once told me my baby wasn’t cute enough!
      (I was learning Dutch “Het spijt me, je baby is niet schattig genoeg.”)

  30. Mimmy*

    Neck strengthening exercises!

    For the past couple of weeks, I’d been having pain and muscle spasms in my neck and left shoulder/upper arm. I went to a pain management specialist this past Wednesday and she gave me a bunch of exercises which appear to be aimed at strengthening my neck muscles. The sheets she gave me are not very helpful though. They’re old and offer no suggestions for each routine, e.g., how long to hold any stretches or resistance and how many repetitions.

    Most of the exercises involve “isometric” resistance and “active resistive” exercises. I’ve been looking for YouTube videos and have found some decent videos, but I wanted to see if you guys had any recommendations for specific channels. My husband thinks I shouldn’t restrict myself to the exercises my doctor gave me, but I want to be careful.

    Again, any recommendations or non-medical advice you have would be greatly appreciated! I am having trigger point injections on Wednesday, so hopefully that helps too.

    1. Gutsy husky*

      this is really best handled by professionals. physiotherapist or at the very least a physical trainer. you don’t want to do neck exercises wrong

      1. Hoary Vervain*

        This! Even a session or two can really help you figure out what’s hurting, what’s helping, and what you, specifically, need the most. When I had crazy back and abdominal pain post-surgery, my PT helped me go waaaay back to basics to start small and build up to the stuff I’d been doing before. That understanding has saved me a lot of pain and frustration.

        Also, sometimes you need strengthening and sometimes you actually need stretching. Doing the wrong thing to the wrong muscles and/or neglecting one or the other can make things worse! I learned the hard way.

      2. Chauncy Gardener*

        Hard agree. I don’t think a pain management person is the one for this job. Agree with Gutsy husky about a physiotherapist or a really good PT.

        Also, you may want to check your pillow and mattress.

        1. Mimmy*

          Seeing a pain management specialist actually wasn’t my choice. When I set the appointment, I just said I was having problems with my neck. It was the office who chose to have me see a pain management specialist.

          Also, the doctor gave me a choice of trigger point injections or PT. My husband and I have had bad luck with PT, so I went with the injections (which I’m having done Wednesday). If that doesn’t work, I’ll probably switch to PT.

    2. HannahS*

      Supremely not medical evidence, but when I have a particular area I want to strengthen (or just a good balanced workout) I use Fitness Blender.

    3. Silent E*

      Someone a while back here recommended Bob and Brad, physical therapists, on YouTube. I have found their videos to be helpful (and amusing at times) and they explain and demonstrate things well. Of course, always check with your doctor/therapist.

    4. ronda*

      I went to the physical therapist last month for a different problem (hands and back). They evaluated and gave me exercises, demoed them, had me try them. gave me print outs with reps etc, that has links to a system with videos of the exercises they assigned.

      When I had my knee replaced, they had me at regularly scheduled sessions to monitor progress, but the other times (like the latest one) I just scheduled my next session when I felt like I had questions, or the exercise was not helping, or needed a different exercise (like getting too boring and I need something else instead).

      For me they always seemed to give 4 exercises. I think folks dont comply if they give them too many exercises. :)

    5. RagingADHD*

      I think you should call back the provider who gave you the exercises and ask for clarification.

      Strength building is not at all the same thing as corrective practice, and you could very easily injure yourself worse if you start doing random stuff off of YouTube. I once spent the better part of a year trying to fix hip pain with generic stretching / strengthening advice, when it turned out that my problem wasn’t the most common issue, but something entirely different, and I was doing the exact opposite of the exercises I needed.

      Just call or send a portal message. It is normal for patients to need more information or clarification.

    6. Rara Avis*

      I would ask for a referral to a physical therapist, who will show you how to do the exercises.

    7. Kay*

      The best thing is to go back to her and ask all those questions. Anytime you get new exercises make sure to ask those questions before you leave. You can also call their office, sometimes they have an online resource that complements the sheets.

    8. Treena*

      Assuming you’re doing them correctly (and that’s a big IF) the wrong neck exercises won’t hurt, but they would be a waste of time.

      If the muscles are spasming and in pain, I’m not sure how strengthening them would really help short-term (obviously a good long-term solution) Do you have a massage therapist? Finding one who specializes in myofascial release and chronic pain may be a good idea. They’re not covered by insurance, but ime they are world’s better at actually addressing muscular issues. I saw dozens of doctors for eye muscle fatigue and the massage therapist was the one who suggested it was an otherwise minor neck injury that didn’t bother me. She was right!

  31. Ms. Norbury*

    What is some concrete, practical support I can offer a friend going through a personal crisis?

    I have a good friend that is dealing with a hell of a lot lately (mental and physical health issues, parental loss, unemployment, the works) and I want to try to take something off their plate. I’ve been available for venting and any practical requests (they are very “ask culture”, which works beautifully for us), but I know that in the thick of it, there are things that might not occur them to ask for help with.

    I’m thinking things like help them with groceries (practically, not financially – they have that covered), life management stuff, etc. but I don’t want to overstep, nor offer something I can’t deliver (I live alone, have a full time job and a cat recovering from surgery).

    Any ideas? And is this a good idea in the first place?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Be specific in your offers.
      “I’m making some mac and cheese for the freezer this weekend, can I make an extra pan for you?”
      “I’m stopping by the grocery store after work, can I pick you up anything?”
      “Can I send a local intrepid high schooler over to mow the lawn for you this weekend?”
      If they have kids offer to take the kids out to lunch or help with homework or drive them to practice or whatever.

      But specific helps you limit yourself to what you can do, and also takes some of the mental labor off your friend to figure out what they need help with.

      1. Ms. Norbury*

        Oooh the “I’m making X can I make some extra for you” idea is great! I’ll make sure to offer to pick up stuff whenever I’m out too. Thank you!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          If they take you up on the extras — put it in disposable containers so they don’t have to keep track of getting your dishes back to you. :)

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          If they’re good financially and might feel weird about you buying them stuff, that could also look like “if you want to put in a curbside order with the Foods R Us on Elm Streer I’d be happy to pick it up for you,” maybe.

    2. Indolent Libertine*

      I think it’s a great idea. You don’t necessarily have to offer anything big or ongoing, either, which might feel like a burden to you and might feel like too big a thing to accept to them. Smaller things which don’t feel difficult to either offer or turn down, like “I’m going to Trader Joe’s/hardware store/CVS tomorrow, can I pick up anything for you there?” or “I’m going to make a big batch of [food thing] this weekend, can I bring you some portions for your freezer?” or whatever feels doable for you, might be the ticket.

      1. Ms. Norbury*

        Yes, that’s exactly what I needed! Specific, not overwhelming for me, unlikely to embarrass. Thank you for the ideas!

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      Sometimes I just call/text and say, “I have Tuesday free from 1-3 if you need/want anything. I’d be happy to come over/visit/wash and change your sheets/take you shopping/etc. then if you want.”

  32. BellStell*

    Anyone ever think about ‘the one that got away’ in terms of relationships? I have had no contact with them since January 2020 but do miss them at times. Sometimes I wonder how differently life would have been with them.

    1. Anon for this*

      yep, this has recently intensified for me as I recently moved to the city where he lives. we are each with different people, but yes, I really wonder. I also fear running into him. we were both into relatively niche music scene, and I still am.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Less “the one that got away” and more “the one that I cheered when the door hit him in the butt on the way out,” but I recently heard through the grapevine that he had signed a lease with another ex-friend that I had also cheered the loss of, only for said ex-friend to find that ex-husband isn’t any better at meeting his financial responsibilities now than he was fifteen years ago. So mine is mostly schadenfreude.

    3. Reader*

      Oh yes. Their birthday is the day before mine (both within the last few weeks), so they consistently pop into my head then. The last I heard about them from mutual friends, they’re doing well, but in a way that made me think “Wow, it’s difficult to imagine what it would have been like to be their partner at this point.” (Not in a bad way, just in a those-choices-aren’t-for-me-don’t-know-how-we’d-have-overcome-it way.)

    4. Emily Byrd Starr*

      I don’t have a “one that got away,” but I do occasionally reminisce about people from my past.

    5. bay scamp*

      Sure, we were in contact via social media until a decade or so ago, and I still dream about them from time to time. My impression is that our lives turned out to be chaotic in different ways so we wouldn’t have continued to be compatible, though.

    6. Chaordic One*

      Yeah, I have a couple who got away. Sometimes when I’m bored I’ll cyberstalk them to see if I can find out what they’re up to. This is how I found out that the love of my life from college was killed, along with his fiancee, in a senseless (not their fault) traffic accident. I never knew his fiancee. She was someone he met after we’d broken up. I always imagined running into him again, like the characters in “The Way We Were.” A second one who got away went on to get married. I’ve heard through the grapevine that his new partner is “just like you, only younger.”

    7. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      This question led to me looking up the FB profile for “the one I wasn’t sorry I broke up with although the one after him was a big mistake too.” I discovered he died in 2024.

      I hadn’t quite known while I was with him what a compulsive liar/fabulist he was. I started to find out as I broke up with him, in particular when one of his kids called me to fact-check something (that he’d lied about) and said “We never liked it that he was dating that other woman at the same time.” Didn’t know about her. Someone he married after we broke up similarly called me to check something he’d lied about; he had used my name as an excuse for something he did.

      Thus it wasn’t totally a surprise to read in his obituary that he’d never served in the military, despite his stories to me of his service. On his FB page one of his friends talked about how they’d swapped tales of their time in the military, the friend a Marine and my ex-boyfriend supposedly an Army Ranger.

      I hadn’t thought of him in years. Lots of people loved him along the way, including at least 4 wives that I know of (and he told me he married his first wife twice although now I don’t know whether that’s true). When I broke up with him he tried to propose marriage. Yeah, life would have been different, but definitely not in a good way.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Kind of? It wasn’t a relationship but a big crush I had in college. I Googled him once, but he has a pretty common name and didn’t find anything that I knew for sure was about him. Still think about him occasionally, though…

    9. Middle Aged Lady*

      Oh yes, two! And they were years and years ago and my rationale mind knows it would have never worked out long-term with either of them. I have been with Mr Middle Aged Lady for over 30 years, but I still think about these two men from time to time and wonder how they are doing.

    10. allathian*

      Not really. I was in a serious relationship in my early to mid-20s with a man who was 7 years older, so he was 30 when we met and I was 23 and very inexperienced, he was my first serious boyfriend. I left him two years later for various reasons, but the biggest one was that he was too immature for me! That experience definitely cured me of the idea that younger men were too immature to date, and my husband is 5 years younger than I am (we met 20 years ago this fall).

      I sometimes vaguely wonder how he’s doing but I’m not really interested in finding out. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t recognize him if I saw him in the street, and it’s weird to think that he’ll be 60 this year…

  33. Not your typical admin*

    Anybody have any interesting new projects they’ve started? I’m turning a small corner of our backyard into a fairy garden for my daughter (and myself). We planted a few ground cover plants in place of grass along with a few other flowering plants and got her decorations.

    1. Middle Name Jane*

      I’m intrigued! I was thinking about starting a fairy garden. I already have 2 terrariums inside that I love, and I have a nice spot outside that I was thinking about doing a fairy garden.

      Where did you buy the supplies and decorations?

      1. Not your typical admin*

        We got most of the plants at Lowes. The decorations were from Amazon and the dollar store.

    2. Anonymisty*

      A friend of ours made us one of those epoxy river table tops, so I am building a desk for it. Nothing fancy, just out of birch plywood. Using only a circular saw and a router. Which I had a garage and table saw. LOL

    3. Potato Potato*

      I have an empty fireplace that we’ll never use for fire (it’s very shallow and tbh fireplaces aren’t common around here because it doesn’t get cold). So I’m turning it into a tiny living room for my cats. So far I have a small cardboard couch that my cats love and a tiny rug made out of some fuzzy scrap fabric. The next step will be a cardboard TV with a picture of some squirrels, and maybe some tiny cat-themed artwork on the wall.

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        That’s so adorable! We use a fireplace for the litter box but it’s not nearly so cute lol

    4. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      I have been pressing flowers for a while and just bought a cheap frame at a charity shop to try and arrange them (this may stretch the definition of “interesting”!)

      1. Not your typical admin*

        That’s so cool! My older daughter is looking into doing that with her prom flowers

    5. Shiny Penny*

      My friend got 3 baby chicks, thinking her broody hen would adopt them no problem. The hen was instead violently outraged, lol. So now I am suddenly fostering 3 baby chicks for a few weeks! (My friend has to be out of town, and can’t change that.)
      Yesterday’s new project became “create safe housing for 3 baby chicks!” in the garage.
      I’ve raised chicks many times, so I have the knowledge, but needed to cobble together a brooder bin, etc.
      So cute!
      I really do not want adult chickens, but it’s a lovely surprise to get to raise some chicks again.

      (Also, the fairy garden sounds like such a fun project to do with a kid!)

    6. Middle Aged Lady*

      Making yogurt! Cheap, less plastic to recycle, and it tastes delicious.
      Retirement is turning out to be a cooking/gardening adventure and I am very happy about that.

    7. KaboomCheese*

      Water kefir. A friend gave me some grains (crystals?) and I’m experimenting with it.

  34. recipetrying*

    I saw a recipe that needed cottage cheese and I wondered how is it made. I looked at the recipe and whole milk, vinegar and cream. Hmm. Has anyone made cottage cheese and what did you do with the whey?

    1. Blueprint blues*

      I haven’t made cottage cheese, but I’ve made mozzarella, and make lots of yogurt. sadly, I just dump the whey down the drain.

    2. Professor Plum*

      Whey can be used on soil near hydrangeas if you want them to be blue. Dilute the whey with water , approximately 1:1 before pouring onto the soil.

    3. Jill Swinburne*

      The couple of times I made cheese I just heartbreakingly dumped the whey. But apparently you can just put it into stews and stocks, make high-protein smoothies, or add extra whole milk and make ricotta.

    4. Girasol*

      Cheese is made in industrial quantities around here. The whey ends up being spread on farm fields.

    6. User name schmuser name*

      I use the whey for baking in place of milk or water. It’s good in scones. You can freeze it.

    7. Six Feldspar*

      If you bake bread you can use the whey in place of the water, when I’ve tried it the yeast seems to love the extra protein and the bread has a nice sourdough tang

    8. Nightengale*

      I made paneer today which is similar (milk and lemon juice or vinegar)

      I just drained the whey. I live in an apartment with no houseplants to water and no other appropriate foods to put it into.

  35. Middle Name Jane*

    Anyone in the U.S. have a dishwasher brand to recommend? I feel like what I want no longer exists–I want controls on the front, stainless steel interior, heat element to dry, and I don’t want to mess with an app/connect to my wi-fi. I don’t care either way about a 3rd rack or even whether it’s stainless steel or white. Budget is probably under $1,200.

    Every review I read says something different. People rave about Bosch, and others say their Bosch was awful and needed frequent repairs. Same with KitchenAid and other brands. I’m so overwhelmed–depression and anxiety have just paralyzed my decision making.

    1. Seashell*

      I recently got another Bosch, after our previous Bosch died after a lifespan of about 10 years, which I think is typical for dishwashers these days. The new one has the controls on the top of the door, which took me some time to figure out but I’m good with them now.

      This is the one we got – https://www.homedepot.com/p/Bosch-500-Series-24-in-Stainless-Steel-Top-Control-Tall-Tub-Pocket-Handle-Dishwasher-with-Stainless-Steel-Tub-44-dBA-SHP65CM5N/325602597

      This looks similar but with front controls – https://www.homedepot.com/p/Bosch-300-Series-24-in-Stainless-Steel-Front-Control-Tall-Tub-Dishwasher-with-Stainless-Steel-Tub-and-3rd-Rack-46-dBA-SHE53C85N/325602590

    2. Indolent Libertine*

      FWIW we have a Bosch and it’s been great for us for about 8 years. It does seem to have an occasional electronic poltergeist, though, who when we press the Delay button causes that to cycle endlessly through the available delay times requiring us to hit the Reset, and then it’s fine again for months. Ours is not controls on the front, however, it’s controls along the top edge of the door.

      If you know, or know someone else who knows, an appliance repair person, that would be my best suggestion for advice. They know what they do and don’t get called to service regularly.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      I avoid buying new.
      I have had a couple different independent appliance repair guys through the years.
      The last time I needed to buy an appliance (clothes washer) I called one of them for advice about ease of repair. I got the name and model of a couple he liked best, and then ran the actual choices past him— the ones I could actually locate at the used appliance place and on Craigslist.
      Got a great machine, with easily available parts, and built to be repairable.

      Generally my solution to the poor state of appliances is:
      1) buy new from Costco because their return policy cannot be beat, and they have always been great to deal with,
      2) buy what my local used appliance place has in stock for a decent price
      3) get something cheap enough off Craigslist that I won’t be heartbroken if it only lasts a couple years.
      (Looking at reviews and trying to pick intelligently also, of course).
      Good luck. It’s never not totally stressful!

    4. Maryn*

      We replaced a KitchenAid with a Bosch a couple years ago. I don’t remember what we paid, sorry. Zero problems, and the way the racks are designed is the best I’ve ever used, with a good bit of flexibility that allows some larger or oddly shaped items to fit. The racks can also take weight without flexing, so the heavy mixing bowl doesn’t have to go at the very back where there’s the most support.

    5. A313*

      We have a Bosch, and it works well. It does have a lot of flexibility for accommodating taller items (adjustable middle shelf), and the third rack comes in handy for silverware if you don’t want to use the basket. BUT, it is a “smart” dishwasher that we’ve connected to an old cell-phone by WiFi, and I generally disregard the app. I’m not sure that you have to have/use the app. Seems so unnecessary to me. And the control panel is located on the top rim of the door, which you can only see if you open the door.

    6. California Dreamin’*

      We are on our third Bosch and we do love them, but I won’t say they’re repair-free. Just paid $400+ today, in fact, for a repair involving a part that took a week to get. I would never go back to not having the top rack for flatware, and I’m not sure any other brands beat Bosch for being nearly silent when running (we run ours in the middle of the night.). Ours has controls on the top edge but I think they have models with front controls. I don’t think any Bosch models have heat elements for drying though.

    7. Tahiti sand*

      We had a plumber out three weeks ago for a sink and dishwasher leak, and he said “Everything sucks now, so buy cheap.”

      He also said that they make specific models that are better for certain issues with water quality, so I’ve been researching which brands/models are recommended for extremely hard water. I haven’t made a final decision yet, but this method has definitely highlighted a few definite “yeses” and “nos”. I’d recommend keeping that in mind.

      1. Alan*

        I’ve been hearing “everything sucks now” for literally decades. I’m sure there are some bargains out there, but we’ve found consistently that paying more gets you more reliability. YMMV of course.

    8. Chauncy Gardener*

      I love my Fisher & Paykel. The capacity is amazing. It’s from New Zealand, but easy to find parts on the rare occasion you need them. Very water efficient too.
      You do need to remember to clean the filters once a week or so.

    9. Jay (no, the other one)*

      We have a Bosch – our second. First one lasted over ten years, which seems to be the norm these days, unfortunately. I may be jinxing myself, but we’ve had this one for about four years (yes, we bought it in 2021 and yes, that was an adventure) and so far it hasn’t needed any repairs. It doesn’t have a heat element for drying – not sure where you’d find that since we haven’t had one in quite a while – but it does pop the door open after a full cycle so things can air dry, and when we run it after dinner and unload it in the morning everything is dry.

    10. Not A Manager*

      The less expensive brands still have controls in the front. My Frigidaire dishwasher works fine, doesn’t require an app, and has simple controls on the front panel. Not a lot of bells and whistles. The interior is not stainless, though.

    11. Roland*

      I’m not in the US but an appliance salesman recently told me that it’s the German-made Bosch models you want for the brand reputation, and there’s also ones from other countries eg Turkey that are the ones to avoid.

    12. Alan*

      We really, really like our Bosch. Does a great job, and is extremely quiet. The rinse-aid dispenser died after around 15 years, and we did have a clog around the same time which we had to get professionally cleaned up, but other than that it just keeps running and I’d gladly buy another when this one dies. In fact, based on the good experience with the dishwasher we’ve also bought a Bosch washer and dryer which are equally reliable. And we’re buying a Bosch heat pump now too. For us it’s just a great brand.

    13. JustEm*

      Best dishwasher I ever had was a KitchenAid. the exact model was discontinued but when my current dishwasher dies (we sold the house with the KitchenAid – as far as I know it still works) I’d buy another KitchenAid

      1. All Monkeys are French*

        I’m on my second KitchenAid. The first one was still going strong after 11 years when we remodeled our kitchen. I would have kept it but our contractor refused to re-install one that old, so I bought another KitchenAid. I considered a Bosch but the reviews on its ability to dry weren’t good. The KA is still efficient and quiet, it doesn’t require an app and it just does a great job.

    14. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      Our Bosch is super quiet, which was important to me. I don’t bother to do much to remove things like egg from a knife or fork, it takes days to fill it before we run it, and everything comes out clean. We’ve had it for a little over a year, zero problems.

      I really appreciate the third rack and I’d never had one before, wouldn’t have said it was a feature I cared about. With the silverware , flat lids, and other things up there I can take out the silverware basket in the bottom rack and have the whole thing available if I need to run some bigger items.

      It has electronic controls on the top. This does mean I occasionally bump something with a finger as I’m closing it. It beeps to tell me I didn’t finish setup to start a cycle, I open it and hit cancel. It’s a little game we play now and then. I like having the clean front with no knobs I have to clean around.

      If you’re willing to try used you might see if your area has a place that sells gently used appliances. I’m in western WA not too far from Seattle and we have Second Look stores there and in Tacoma that raise funds for Habitat for Humanity. People with more money than me do kitchen remodels when some of the appliances are still relatively new.

      Good luck with the decisions.

    15. Dark Macadamia*

      Our whole kitchen was Bosch when we bought our house and I hate them so much. The microwave is fine but the range is the worst I’ve ever used and I was delighted when we needed to replace it. Still hate the dishwasher but it works so we’re stuck with it for now

  36. Two weeks in Tokyo*

    I’m looking for Tokyo recommendations! I’ll be there with my husband, 4 year old, and 1 year old this June. Specially, recs in any of these highly specific categories:
    1) Lesser-known gardens and parks for roaming, sitting, playing, enjoying nature and flowers and trees and water
    2) Cafes, restaurants, and coffee shops with beautiful interiors, especially if plants/water feature in the interior design and especially if we can take a (well-behaved/chill, but still…) tot and baby with us
    3) Unique playgrounds

    Thank you!!

    1. Lifelong student*

      Not in any of your specific catagories- but I would not miss the fish market. It is fascinating and might be of interest to young people just to see the large fish.

    2. Tokyo Recs*

      If you are willing to trek out a bit outside of Tokyo, Kodomonokuni (Children’s Country) is a HUGE outdoor park with lots of different playgrounds, a small farm, bouncy areas, paddle boats, etc. Bring a blanket, a picnic lunch (or bring bentos from a convenience store) and spend the whole day outside playing. If you go, get some of the soft ice cream made from the milk of the cows from the farm, but bring food for lunch (the restaurant options are really not the great). We used to bring our son here – so many good memories. I’ll include a link in another comment.

      Depends on where you are staying in Tokyo, but might be 45-60 mins by train so you’d have to gauge how well your kids would do with that travel time. Would definitely be a whole day excursion.

    3. Winter*

      If you’re near the Sumida River it’s lovely just to walk along, see the ducks and boats and admire the little gardens that are planted along the way. I’m an early childhood teacher and I loved it because in the morning all the nearby nurseries bring the toddlers and babies down for some fresh air. They all waved to us and are so adorable in their little hi vis vests and hats.

      I love Tokyo so much, it’s my heart city. Have a wonderful time.

    4. Six Feldspar*

      Yoyogi Park is in the middle of the city but I found it very peaceful when I went there!

    5. Bay*

      Shinjuku gardens are huge and include greenhouses and all kinds of outdoor spaces.
      TeamLab is great for kids and adults alike, not sure how the 1yo would do but online depictions are fairly accurate so you can gauge for yourself about your littler one.
      Tokyo tower is quieter and cheaper than skytree.
      Science museums are fun!

    6. SolarPowered*

      I found the number of aquariums in Tokyo to be quite high, and a really nice stroll on a free afternoon!

  37. RussianInTexas*

    Are you a person who reads most of the books in the same genre? I am one. probably 70% of the books I read are crime fiction, preferably non-US, the rest are mostly non-fiction history (no biographies and never ever autobiographies), with a smattering of sci-fi and fantasy, the leftover from my younger years.
    I do not like literary fiction, cozy anything, couldn’t care less about stories built on relationships, be that romantic, familial, or friendships. They can exist in the books I am reading, but they cannot be the basis of the story. I also don’t care about broadening my horizons via reading or reading anything “important”. I am in my 40s and I know what I enjoy in a book. So my Libby wait list is 10 mysteries and a book about tuberculosis and another about the Dust Bowl lol. As my partner jokes, I take a break from crime via terrible historical events, I once described a book about the Black Death as “nice and enjoyable”.
    So, are you a person who reads a variety of genres? Or do you read just specific things?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Lots of true crime and medical history, though I also like memoirs/biographies. I have taken a history of the Black Death to a restaurant to read over dinner, though I also have a public health degree. :) if your TB and Dust Bowl books are written by John Green and Timothy Egan respectively, they’re both quite good.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        They are. A Fever in the Heartland by Timothy Egan was excellent, which prompted me to look for more of his writing.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I came across the Dust Bowl book via a Ken Burns documentary based on it; also very good, and then followed that to Fever. The Big Burn was also quite good.

          The TB book was a little lighter than I had expected, but still interesting.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          If you haven’t tried any David McCullough yet, his books have a similar feel to me as compared to Egan. He’s got some about historical folks and events but I think the standouts are the ones about the building of the Brooklyn Bridge and the Panama Canal. Fascinating.

    2. Teacher Lady*

      I read across a variety of genres, but I’m first and foremost a romance reader. Outside of romance, my primary subgenre is cozy mysteries. (So basically, I am your opposite, LOL.) I appreciate that genre fiction gives me a framework to enjoy the journey, having a sense of what the destination is (HEA/HFN, the murderer being apprehended, etc.).

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Can you call Agatha Christie “cozy”? That is kind of my limit for the murder mystery as far as cozy goes, but I also don’t like much gore or hardboiled stuff. It’s a fairly narrow window.
        Right now I am going through the Ruth Galloway series by Ellie Griffith, which is right where I want my mysteries to be.

        1. Bike Walk Bake Books*

          I loved those! Her Brighton mysteries don’t have the benefit of a smart woman as the protagonist, but are also good.

        2. Teacher Lady*

          I haven’t read any Agatha Christie, so I can’t speak authoritatively, but my understanding is that hers are not cozy mysteries. According to Wikipedia (and in line with my experience reading in this subgenre), cozies feature amateur detectives, have no on-page violence or sex, and the story occurs within a small community. I’ve been reading a lot of Ellie Alexander’s books (she has one protagonist who’s a chef/amateur detective, and another who is a brewer/amateur detective), Abby Collette (ice cream shop owner/amateur detective), and Mia P. Manansala (coffee shop owner/member of a restaurant-owning family/amateur detective). [Can you sense that I am a person who enjoys food?]

          1. Higher ed Jessica*

            Extremely familiar with Christie. Her Miss Marple books and some others qualify according to your definition of cozy.

    3. Pam Adams*

      Mostly science fiction and fantasy. Classic mystery- I don’t like most of the modern stuff.

      I don’t care for litic, and many of the books Allison recommends don’t attract me.

      1. allathian*

        Same, except that I do like many modern mysteries. That said, my current favorite crime stories are still being written but they’re set in Helsinki in the 1920s (the Karl Axel Björk series written by Virpi Hämeen-Anttila, unfortunately they haven’t been translated into English). These books haven’t been modernized, the attitudes of the characters reflect the attitudes of the time. That said, the main character is fairly modern in his ideas about, say, equal pay for men and women doing the same work, and women being allowed to retain control of their property upon marriage. The author is a historian and has done extensive background research.

        I’m pretty specific in my reading, although I do read a variety of genres.

        I mainly read crime fiction, although I my preferences are fairly strict. I don’t like most Nordic noir because they’re too gory for me. I find it excessively difficult to read books where children are mistreated. I don’t mind too much if most of it happens off-stage and is only referenced briefly, but I definitely don’t want to read detailed descriptions of violence against anyone, particularly kids. I also don’t want to read stories where the main character/detective is solving crimes primarily as a way to overcome trauma, so I have zero interest in reading Stieg Larsson’s Millennium novels, for example.

        I haven’t read any romance since my teens, but when I was 16 I read my grandma’s stash of Harlequin romances during my summer vacation and that cured me of wanting to read romance-romance novels ever again. Even at that age I could see how formulaic they were, although to be fair, Harlequin is a pretty low bar. That said, at one time I was a huge fan of Anne McCaffrey’s books (especially the Talents but also Pern) and those can be read as romance with a thin soft sci-fi veneer. I quite like it when characters have meaningful relationships but I’m not interested books where the relationship is the main or only focus.

        Literary fiction leaves me cold and I don’t think I’ve ever read any of Alison’s recommendations. I mostly read cozy(ish) crime fiction, sci-fi, and fantasy. When I was a teen and my tolerance horror was higher I also read that, especially Stephen King and Edgar Allan Poe, but I haven’t touched those books for decades and have no particular wish to revisit them.

        The gender of the author or the main protagonist doesn’t matter to me. I read about the same number of books written by men and women, and I’m open to reading books by trans authors if I could find some in the genres I enjoy. I can disregard troublesome, outdated attitudes at least up to a point, and that means that can enjoy reading works by 19th and early 20th century authors, the oldest book I’ve read from cover to cover is Frankenstein (1818).

        Most times I’ve dabbled outside my comfort zone I’ve come away oddly dissatisfied. I read mainly for enjoyment, not to educate my mind or learn about other cultures. If I read a book by an author from another culture, it’s because the story itself grabs me, not because they’re from another culture.

        I also read some non-fiction, mainly biographies, although I tend to avoid autobiographies and pseudo-autobiographies, i.e. ghostwritten autobiographies where the famous person is the only one credited as the author. I vastly prefer biographies written by someone else, although I admit I liked David Suchet’s Poirot and Me, it’s written in the first person but he gives plenty of credit to his ghostwriter, Geoffrey Wansell.

        I also like history books where the point of view is focused on everyday life and on people Western history tends to ignore, such as non-whites and women.

    4. WellRed*

      I like an array but my primary enjoyment is crime fiction. I don’t give a hoot what’s popular (Colleen Hoover? No thanks) but I do find other stuff I’m interested in reading.l via recommendations, reviews and the wild. But my first love remains crime fiction (thank you Nancy Drew!)

    5. GoryDetails*

      I read a pretty wide variety of genres. Maybe heavier on the horror and SF, but I read mystery and history, biographies of people and biographies of things, historical fiction, pop science, humor… My least favorite genres are westerns, spy novels, and romance, but I’ve enjoyed books in each of those areas as well.

    6. ThatGirl*

      I don’t read literally anything but I am not super picky. I like modern romance (Abby Jimenez or Jennifer Weiner), funny nonfiction, food nonfiction, beach reads, some horror, short lit fic, some sci-fi/speculative fiction (Andy Weir), I go more based on vibes than genre. I don’t like romantasy and get annoyed when books are part of seemingly endless series. It’s just me, nothing against it,

    7. Bibliovore*

      I am a very odd reader these days. Thinking about this, most of my reading is by established authors unless a friend recommends someone new. Not really genre but author. I will read anything by Michael Connelly and David Rosenfelt. Anything by Elizabeth Wein for historic fiction. Kao Khalia Yang- adult or juvenile. Anything by Kate DiCamillo. Anything by Adam Gidwitz. Anything by Nnedi Okorafor. Anything by Betsy Lerner. Anything by Naomi Novik. Right now I am reading in galley As a Jew: Reclaiming Our Story from Those Who Blame, Shame, and Try to Erase Us by Sarah Hurwitz because I liked her previous book.

      1. Teacher Lady*

        I’m reading Kao Kalia Yang’s memoir right now – I actually didn’t know anything about her writing career overall! (I picked the memoir because I was specifically looking for a book about the Hmong people.) I’ll have to check out her other work.

    8. Six Feldspar*

      I read in several genres but I go through phases – I’ll have a run of scifi, then historical non fiction, then detective novels, etc etc

    9. Seashell*

      I read a lot of non-fiction. I like memoirs or biographies, usually of someone I find interesting or funny. I read other types of non-fiction, but if it feels too much like a textbook, I’m done.

      I’m in a book club, and we mostly read fiction, so I’ve gotten into reading fiction more. We usually lean towards historical fiction, fiction involving relationships, or mysteries.

    10. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

      I definitely have my strong preferences for mysteries/caper novels (though I am kind of fussy about which authors I will read), light comic fiction or memoir, and (usually older) literary fiction.

      I will read stuff and enjoy it in other genres at times, but I’m not very good with some genres, like science fiction, horror, and fantasy. I was saying above that I’m starting Howl’s Moving Castle, which was given to me as a gift. It’s fine, and I will probably finish it, but from what I have read so far, I am not drawn in enough to seek out similar works.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the Teach, not the Admin)*

        I do like reading stuff by authors whose cultures are not mine. If a story keeps me interested, learning about the extra cultural stuff is a fun bonus!

    11. goddessoftransitory*

      I tend to spread out and go through streaks–right now I’m reading a lot about ancient Greek myths, but just got some Ray Bradbury short story collections, and then am going to read some Grady Hendrix I’ve been putting off. Before that it was a sociological history of housework and how industrialization turned it into “women’s work.” I’m feeling the urge for more noir novels as well.

      Basically my brain likes to focus on this for a bit, than that…my motto is, enjoy yourself.

    12. Double A*

      I read a variety because that’s a huge part of how I learn about the world and other people’s experiences. I usually have one literary fiction and one genre fiction going, usually fantasy, sci-fi, and/or romance. My main criteria is decent to excellent writing.

      Although I have little interest in thrillers, mysteries, or crime books to be honest.

    13. Nightengale*

      I read just about anything except romances

      Over the past month reading has included. . . rereading Pudd’nhead Wilson (my favorite Twain,) a Star Trek novel, couple of murder mysteries (including one that has SF and romance elements – I skim over the romantic scenes), rereading The Importance of Being Earnest and several books about autism by autistic authors.

  38. Invisible fish*

    Tipping nail techs: better in cash or put on the card? I always do 20%, sometimes 25%, and have not yet worked up the courage to ask techs which they prefer.

    1. Dodubln*

      I do it in cash, always. Restaurants, house cleaners, anything done in my home, etc. The thanks I get from whomever I am tipping tells me how much cash is appreciated over putting it on a card.

    2. ThatGirl*

      I always do cash for nails, a lot of the salons around here won’t even let you tip by card. I also tip for massages and haircuts in cash. Those are the main reasons I keep cash! :D

    5. Anono-me*

      Cash tips are best. The person doesn’t need to wait until payday. And many merchants prorate and pass along a portion of fees charged to them by card companies when paying out card based tips. Sometimes merchants will also chase an administrative fee for processing tips. So for example, a $20.00 tip becomes an $18.50 tip becomes a $17.00 tip.

    6. Tahiti sand*

      For nail techs, I agree that cash is best. When I was a server, I preferred card, because busboys frequently stole from the billfold while resetting the table.

    7. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Cash, always. Same for my hairstylist. The nail salon actually won’t allow tips on the card and even if they did I would wonder if the tech would get all the money, and I want her to have it.

    8. talos*

      So like… mechanically, how do you tip cash? When do you do it, and where? I would feel pretty weird, like, leaving bills on the pedicure chair when I left. Do you just do the exact opposite of restaurant tipping and hand it directly to the nail tech?

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        Yes. I tip her before I go up to the counter to pay. My nail salon adds a surcharge for paying by credit card so I try to have enough cash to pay the whole thing, and if I need change for the tip I’ll ask them to set it aside for the tech. I prefer to give it directly to her.

  39. Bibliovore*

    I am part of a community program like Big Brothers, Big Sisters but instead they match young families with “grandparents” So far we have had a family dinner and I have shared and given them books.
    Any suggestions for items that one can put in a travel bag to keep a 5 year old or 7 year old occupied that doesn’t make noise. I am thinking about things like Thinking Putty. Any new cool fidgets? I have been out of this market for about ten years.

    1. Hypatia*

      I really like the Rubiks snake for kids. It bends and makes all sorts of shapes. easy to carry around too.

    3. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      Stickers! You can get book with vinyl stickers that can be repositioned on storybook backgrounds, or your classic peel and stick circle /square shapes with the picture in the middle, fancy shaped stickers, sparkly ones – the world is your oyster (and possibly, a product like Glue-gone your friend afterwards). Stickers with words, geometric shapes – anything you can think of. Entire sticker books of cats. Maybe a scrapbook just for them.
      So, they are quiet to use, improve manual dexterity, encourage picture making, and are available just about anywhere.
      Fuzzy felt boards used to be commonplace, containing a board with a fuzzy surface and lots of shaped pieces of felt that you could ‘stick’ onto the surface, I remember having a farmyard one that I loved- the little sheep and the border collie were the best.

      1. Anono-me*

        Stickers are great for quite play for kids, but it is child dependent. Some children don’t restrict their sticker placement to the books. So until you know the children involved well you may want to stick with the repositional stickers and fun post it notes.

    4. Flower*

      That sounds so cool. Do they have chapters in other states? If so could you share the name, please? Thanks.

    5. Fellow Traveller*

      I always pack Uno and Spot it for my 5 and 8 year olds to play when we go places.

    7. Rogue Slime Mold*

      One of the most brilliant suggestions I saw for this was a box of band aids. Some kids love covering themselves in band aids.

    8. Bike Walk Bake Books*

      How about finger puppets? They can make up stories with them.

      At those ages I wouldn’t overlook the value of a couple of small stuffed animals. They may say they’re “too big” for them; they’ll likely play with them anyway. They can represent comfort while they’re with these people who, while kind, are still quasi-strangers. I’d be prepared to give them the stuffies to take away with them unless you establish up front that these are special “when you’re with us” stuffies.

    9. Emma*

      So fun! Click is a flexible magnet toy that’s fun for building, and stores easily. Magnetiles makes a micromags travel set with mini magnetizes, also good for building.

      And things like the game Uno, or a new set of Crayola markers (the thin ones are particularly fun) and a sketch pad!

    10. Crylo Ren*

      Needoh toys (they’re like stress balls but more solid) are pretty popular here. Specifically the Nice Cube or Gumdrop/Dream Drop. They tend to be sold at more specialty toy stores, I think.

      Drawing pads – for the 5 year old, there are pads that can be “colored” on with water, the color fades as the pages dry so they can be reused. Along the same lines, there are pads I think called “Imagine Ink” that come with like an alcohol pen – these ones aren’t reusable but they are still fairly low mess. 7 year old might be too old for either of these though.

    11. No longer single and alone*

      Honestly, a small box of Legos might work. They sell kits that are just a lot of small items that could easily be built, played with and taken apart for the next visit.

  40. NYC Trip*

    I am going to NYC next week to see “Othello”. I have never been to NYC before. I am from Chicago, so have already been to the Sears (Willis) Tower and Hancock observatories in the past. Having a disagreement with my travel partner about whether we should go to the WTC Observatory, or Top of The Rock while in NYC. Anyone who has been to either/lives in NYC, what say you? My vote is for WTC, her vote is for TOTR. I just feel that there is so much more to experience at the WTC, like the 9/11 Memorial and Museum, versus at Rockefeller Center.

    1. Anonimizeringinging*

      Errrrr….can you just split up for the day and do whatever each of you likes?

    2. I just really can’t think of a name*

      Rockefeller Center is only about a 5 minute walk from the Barrymore, so you could easily combine Top of the Rock with a pre- or post-theater meal/drink (depending on whether you’re seeing a matinee or evening performance).

      And then spend the morning downtown and do the WTC observatory (the elevator ride up is very cool – my son always wants to go again and again) and whatever else around there you’d like. (We’re usually also entertaining kids, but some of our favorites nearby include: eat at Odeon, St Paul’s Chapel, Rockefeller Park playground and slide, walk or Citibike along the Hudson boardwalk, Wall Street, Castle Clinton, Sea Glass Carousel, ride the ferry back and forth to Staten Island for a view of the Statue of Liberty. We will take visitors through the 9/11 Memorial (free) but I find the museum too heavy for casual repeat visits.)

      1. StrayMom*

        I found the 9/11 museum very worthwhile. However, I was a wreck for the rest of the day.

    3. Seashell*

      I haven’t been to the new WTC, but there is plenty of stuff around Rockefeller Center and it’s easier to get to if you’re already in midtown.

    5. Emily Byrd Starr*

      I’ve never been to TOTR, but I have been to WTC and it is a must see!!!!

  41. User name schmuser name*

    I use the whey for baking in place of milk or water. It’s good in scones. You can freeze it.

  42. Roxy*

    I’m on a cruise and I’m
    Curious. How do the room work for staff members? They just sleep
    Somewhere. I’m assuming underneath in the lower levels. Are they assigned rooms and sleep four to a room?
    Thanks! Roxy

    1. WS*

      Yes, they have a whole separate section (sometimes multiple sections depending on the size/shape of the ship). Most are two to a room, some have their own room depending on seniority. Four to a room is very unusual but sometimes happens, especially on shorter cruises.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        From talking to crew members on my cruises, they share 2 to a room. There was one member of the entertainment team I met, whose partner was about to start their contract and they would be sharing the room.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Generally the crew signs contracts to work for x number of weeks/months and they have an assigned cabin and roommate for that time. There is a separate staff dining area and store for basics too.

      1. allathian*

        Until my aunt retired she worked on a ferry on the Helsinki-Stockholm route where one trip takes about 16 hours (start late afternoon/early evening, arrival fairly early in the morning, cruise passengers can remain on board but no alcohol is sold while the ship is in port). She worked 10 days on/10 days off, and when she was off, her cabin was used by someone else, but she didn’t have to share it when she was on duty even during her off shift. Her ship was a ro-ro ferry, so the crew cabins were below the car decks. About 10 years ago when she happened to be working when my husband and I went on a two-day cruises we got a tour behind the scenes, so we saw her cabin and a rec room, and we got a snack in the mess room (!). The engine room and bridge were obviously not on the tour. :p

        It has to be said, though, that the crew to passengers ratio is much smaller on ro-ro ferries than dedicated, luxurious cruise ships (typically more than 10 passengers per crew member on ro-ro ferries).

    3. Gigi*

      There’s a youtuber who works as crew who has posted about his different experiences.

  43. Put the Blame on Edamame*

    Skincare q: I have quite rough and uneven skin on my décolletage, not KP or anything, have had since puberty, would it be worth trying retinol? And if so, is there a Retinol for Dummies guide somewhere? Most skincare advice feels overwhelming to me!

    1. Zona the Great*

      Hmmm…I’m not sure about that. Do you have access to dermatology care? I would start there before retinol. But in my life, I use Egyptian Magic everyday on my décolleté and I wake up with super soft skin.

    2. Reba*

      Has any KP lotion ever seemed to help? I would try a lotion with 5+ % urea, or glycolic acid or lactic acid or azelaic acid. These might be easier and gentler for you than a retinoid.

  44. SuprisinglyADHD*

    Has anyone else heard of doctors being unexpectedly removed from Medicaid Managed Care Plans? Twice now, I’ve gone to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy, only to have the pharmacy get an error that the doctor is not enrolled in Medicaid. Neither doctor was aware of this, in fact the second time I had filled a different prescription from the same doctor a few days before with no issues. The first doctor I could believe was an error on her part, a missed renewal date or lost paperwork or something. But this second doctor has always been proactive about paperwork and forms and that type of minutia.
    Thankfully, a different doctor in the practice was unaffected by whatever happened and was able to get my prescription out before the holiday weekend, or else I’d be completely out. But now every month I’m gonna worry about my prescriptions or appointments suddenly not being covered.
    Has anyone heard of something similar, or was this just a really unfortunate coincidence?

    1. It Can Happen*

      Not with managed care but there is routine paperwork doctors must submit to keep their Medicaid credentials…this happened to my spouse, whose office filed the info but wound up having to refile.

    2. Peter B*

      It’s concerning neither were aware. Since you’ve got a managed care plan, I might contact your case manager (if you have one) or the plan member services line and mention you’d like to report issues with your network. If there is a systematic issue, it’s good to put it on the plan’s radar. It may be with the plan’s internal systems, or it may be some education/filing method/something else they can help your doctors with, so it’s not a surprise to anyone if they do lose Medicaid status.

      When I worked for a managed care plan, this kind of member report would probably have been handled by our ombudsman, who would help identify the root of the issue and resolve it at the system level, if possible. Your plan may not have one, but making them aware of your issue is worth a shot and they may be able to give you some peace of mind about future refills.

    3. Nightengale*

      I am a doctor this happened to

      We found out the same way you did, a patient went to pick up a prescription and was told I wasn’t on Medicaid. News to me. Cue frantic calls and e-mails to our administration, the office in charge of making sure our credentialing paperwork was all up to date, our contacts at MA. I’m at a large health system so we have people who are supposed to keep on top of these things and let the providers know if we do have to sign anything.

      What we were told is that someone at Medicaid was supposed to click something to re-enroll me and instead clicked to un-enroll me. It took about 3 days to sort out. I had to send all my prescription requests to another doctor to fill so we managed to not interrupt anyone’s care more than a few hours.

      1. SuprisinglyADHD*

        Thank you so much for this explanation, the first of my doctors this happened to is a one-person practice and it took 2 months to straighten it out! I hope this second one can fix it sooner, with more people to follow up on it.

  45. a phone question*

    I need to go away for 10 days and will leave a 7- or 8-yr old iPhone SE behind. Is it better for the battery if I leave the phone plugged in the whole time, or should I unplug it and recharge it from 0% when I get back?

    1. Helvetica*

      Why not just turn it off? Or turn off app background activity, so the phone should last without needing to be charged at all.

    2. Ginger Cat Lady*

      Neither. Leave it unplugged and turned off. When you get back, it should still have plenty of power.

    3. Zona the Great*

      Leaving on, turning off, leaving it charged, leaving it uncharged–none of this will impact the integrity of your phone or battery. But I agree with the others to just turn it off.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yeah – on a 7-8 year old phone, that horse is out the barn.

    4. Indolent Libertine*

      Unless someone else needs to use the phone while you’re away, I agree with the advice to turn it off.

    5. a phone question*

      Thanks, everyone! I didn’t realize that it would stay charged that long if it’s turned off, and that’s obviously the way to go.

    6. Anono-me*

      I would do the turn off while gone .

      FYI An update to my android recently gave me the ability to opt into a feature that cuts of battery charging at 85% to improve to overall battery life. I think that there may be something similar for iPhones.

  46. sick leave OOO*

    Sometime in the last few weeks, there was a question on AAM about what to put in an Out-Of-Office message when you were taking sick leave for an indefinite period.

    My searching is not bringing it up – can anyone else help me find it?

    I’m about the take leave for a surgery, and I meant to bookmark that letter but of course forgot.

    1. TPS reporter*

      Thank you for your email. I am currently out of the office on medical leave. If you need immediate assistance, kindly contact xxxxxxxxx. Otherwise, I look forward to responding to your email when I return.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I don’t say I’m on medical leave and I don’t say I’ll respond to the email. I was out for six weeks this past winter and came back to over 1,000 Emails. I kept them in my box so I could search for anything I needed but I did not read them!

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