weekend open thread – March 14-15, 2026

by Alison Green on March 13, 2026
Griffin

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The End of Romance, by Lily Meyer. After an abusive marriage, a grad student vows to avoid romance, then promptly meets two men who challenge that resolve. I struggled with whether to recommend this because by the last 20% of the book, I was supremely frustrated by the protagonist’s choices, but I really liked the first 80%. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

{ 862 comments }

{ 862 comments… read them below }

  1. Peanut Person*

    What are your best “life automation” ideas?! Any/all brainstorming or suggestions welcome.

    I’ve been thinking about automation recently, in the sense of “what kinds of things can I do to free up my brain space and mental energy?” Certain routines or habits you suggest? I’m a late adopter to technology, so any cool tips on technology/apps that you use? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

    1. Level 253 Warrior*

      I love the app “Habitica.” I put in all of my chores and indicate how often they should come up, and it really helps with the mental load of keeping house. I don’t have to wonder what needs doing: I take a look at the app and see that today is a vacuum the living room, water the outdoor plants, and clean the bathroom mirror day.

      Of course it’s easy to get in and adjust the timing and days of any particular chore, but once you get “the machine” set in the intervals you like, it’s really nice.

      I’m sure there are many habit apps which have similar functions, but to me a bonus with Habitica is that it’s framed as a bit of a role-playing adventure and you earn swords and swag and pets for completing your chores!

      2. FD*

        I like Finch for this. Habitica rewards you for doing things, but also penalizes you for not doing things, and I already blame myself if I’m not productive enough, so that didn’t work super well for me.

        Finch rewards you for doing things but doesn’t penalize you. And the points you get, you can use towards getting clothing items and house items to make your little bird and bird house cuter.

        1. Atticus*

          I also switched from Habitica to Finch (free version) and find that it suits me better. It also hits that sweet spot right in the middle between “whimsical” and “useful”.

          The one thing I miss, compared to Habitica, is being asked in the morning whether I’d like to check off any of the things left over from the day before. But it’s not a big deal – I’ve been using it for over a year now and find that some boring things (take meds, use face cream, check calendar) have now indeed become automatic, to the point where I do them before even opening the app in the morning

          1. Hello, it's me*

            Thank you to those who commented on Finch and Habitica!!! This seems like it could be a life-changer for me. Covid, this way-too-long winter, and living alone have really done a number on my housekeeping “skills.” Now that Spring, and some semblance of energy have returned, I’m feeling too overwhelmed to even start. I hate being told what to do, but if I’m totally honest with myself, I need to be told what to do. Maybe this will help!

          2. Seraphina*

            Finch is such a sweet app! I had it when I was working through some dark days, and it was delightful to have an adorable digital buddy to help me.

        2. Arrietty*

          If I remember correctly, you can set your Habitica tasks so that you are always rewarded for doing them but they’re never required, so they never penalise you for missing them.

        3. Vindicated Iguana*

          Thank you for this rec! I downloaded the app with my two teenagers and we are having a lot of fun so far.

    2. Dark Macadamia*

      I did curbside pickup for groceries a couple times during Covid out of necessity and then a year or two later was like …why don’t I do that all the time? I feel a little weird and icky having someone shop my groceries when I am capable of doing it myself, but groceries are my biggest time/brain suck chore and it really makes my life so much easier.

      1. RamieGrl*

        I only shop pickup now. I keep update my cart anytime I think of something we need for the kitchen or house, then just pay for it about 4 hours before I want to do a pickup. I’ve only had issues 3 times in the past 6 years of doing this once a week. Now when I go inside the grocery store, it’s much more relaxing, and I will leave the big things off the pickup list that I want to select myself. And then get my order before leaving the parking lot.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I also do most of my grocery shopping this way (or delivery), and as a side benefit, I also found that my grocery bill went down dramatically because of a reduction in impulse buying. I’d go “oh, that looks good, maybe I should make this recipe, and then there’s eight other things I need, and while I’m picking those up oop this is on sale so I should stock up, and …” now my husband sets our dinner menu for the week on Sunday* and I do a weekly shop from the menu. (I also do a monthly shop that’s for more like, stocking the freezer and pantry with staples and extras, but again, from a list and ordered online.) Much harder to accidentally see stuff that isn’t on the list if you’re not personally in the store. :)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          * I assigned him meal planning because after ten years of “What do you want for dinner?” “Food.” it was either he take over the meal planning or I was going to need an alibi. :-P

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I was doing this, but my usual grocery store switched from Peapod to DoorDash or some crap, and they stopped bringing it to my door. They left my entire order by the mailbox in an unsecured area, and in paper bags that were difficult to bring up. Not only was this irresponsible, it was not feasible for when I literally could not go down the stairs due to surgery.

        Fortunately, that happened in time for me to find an alternative before I had surgery, but while the other store had its own delivery service and they were able to bring it to me directly, it was more expensive. :(

        So I guess I’ll just be going to the store. *sigh*

        1. WestsideStory*

          Grocery shopping is definitely my biggest time suck! I think part of my problem is that I usually have to travel to 3 stores to get what I want (the store with the freshest meat and fish doesn’t carry organic vegetables, the organic store has higher prices for grocery items, and so on). I make a list and a budget and so fairly immune to impulse buys, but traveling all over town takes way longer after my day. I’ve tried bunching the trips but pairing grocery trips with business meetings or friend visiting doesn’t work out. I hadn’t look to see which offer store-pickup but that might work. Delivery is problematic in my area.
          Any other good ideas would be welcome.

          1. HannahS*

            Honestly, the only thing I can think of would be to buy larger quantities and reduce frequency. With some diligent list-making, you could realistically bunch shelf-stable grocery purchases into a monthly run (sugar, laundry detergent, toilet paper, etc.) It might not be realistic to get meat/fish and produce every 2 weeks (alternating), but it might work if you’re willing to use your freezer.

        2. Alex*

          That’s super annoying. I don’t usually order my groceries online (I actually LOVE grocery shopping) but last fall I sprained my ankle really bad, and could barely walk. I live only a half flight up in an apartment building, so I could kind of crawl up and down slowly. I ordered a few groceries–not much, but some heavy stuff like milk and seltzer. The delivery person left it…on the sidewalk. In one ripped single layer paper bag. With the bananas on the ground. I had to crawl to get each item one by one. I was so pissed!

      4. Observer*

        I did curbside pickup for groceries a couple times during Covid out of necessity and then a year or two later was like …why don’t I do that all the time?

        Excellent idea.

        If this or delivery is not realistic, something that makes it easy to keep a running list of groceries can be shockingly useful. I use Google Keep for my shopping list and I simply tell google to add items to my list as I realize I need them. I use the voice commands, so it’s really easy.

        I feel a little weird and icky having someone shop my groceries when I am capable of doing it myself,

        I think that as long as you are respectful to people and willing to pay, there is nothing icky – there is no moral rule that says that you cannot pay someone else to do things for you that you can do for yourself. Someone shopping for you is not really different than making a sandwich for you at the local sandwich shop.

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Yeah, the ick is very much about me and my personal feelings about How Things Should Be Done (By Me) rather than an actual problem, lol.

      5. Curly Sue*

        I’ve tried the shopping apps a couple of times, and the order is always massively different once it arrives, to the point where I’ve had to reconfigure my cooking plans – three boxes.of bowtie pasta instead of a bag of potatoes, two large tubs of yogurt instead of the snack-sized packs for my kid’s lunch, and memorably, once ordered 1 lb of green beans and received one bean, singular, in a large plastic bag.

        (Flagging “no substitutions” got me 1/4 of my order instead, which also wasn’t a reasonable result, so I gave up.)

        What’s the trick to making this work?

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          I do this at Safeway where the order shopping is directly through them, not a third party like Doordash. Their site/app allows you to choose specific items to substitute, “closest match” (which asks you for approval before pickup), or “do not substitute” and I rarely have issues. There’s one shopper who tries a little too hard to be helpful so they’ll do things like ring up a 12pack as the 6pack I ordered and I’m like but I don’t have room for 12! I think the worst unwanted substitution I’ve gotten was green leaf lettuce when I ordered romaine, everything else has been like well that’s not the brand I asked for but it’s the same flavor and you charged me the same price so who cares. Usually if my item and my chosen sub aren’t available they just say it was out of stock and I go in myself to find a different option when I pick up.

    3. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      This is old school, but trying to always put my meds, keys, etc. in the same place. I know where they should be, so it’s very clear if I don’t have them.

      1. Forrest Rhodes*

        Seconding you on the same-place system, Squirrel N. My keys are hung on a hook next to the front door the minute I step inside; reading glasses are always either on my desk or on a table next to one of my two reading chairs; the med (I take only one) is in a small wicker basket on the kitchen counter. It’s such a pleasure to know where something is if/when I want it!

        Also, for small things I’ll buy two. Example: I have two of those small, hand-sized plant spritzers, one in the bathroom and one in the kitchen so I always have one at hand for the nearby plants.

        Of course, being the only resident in the place makes this program a lot more effective—I never have to ask anyone else, “Where the *heck* did you put the [whatever] this time?!?”

      2. PhyllisB*

        That’s what I do. I have a key rack by the front door and I have the weekly pill holder so I know each day if I took my med/vitamins.
        My biggest help is buying a ton of reading glasses and having a pair in every room of the house plus a pair in the car and my travel bag. I tried prescription glasses but after losing or breaking four separate pairs over the years I gave up and went to readers.
        My sort of tech hint is to set alarms on my phone. ex: if I know I need to leave the house at a certain time I’ll set my alarm to go off 15 minutes early to give me time to gather anything I need to take, look for my shoes, ect. I’ve never been late for anything since I’ve started doing this.
        I’ll also set it to remind me of something I need to do around the house. My husband has gotten used to hearing random alarms and he’ll ask me what I’m trying to remember this time?

        1. Forrest Rhodes*

          Oh, you’re right, PhyllisB—I never considered multiple pairs of reading glasses (I use the drugstore kind too), but now they’re on my list.

          I also use my kitchen timer for things like “15 minutes to departure”—and had to laugh at the picture of your husband asking, “Why is THIS one going off?”

          Simple but genius ideas, right?

            1. allathian*

              I hadn’t thought of that… All I know is that the reading glasses that they sell in hardware stores are useless.

            2. I take tea*

              I should do this. I have one pair of prescription glasses for computer work and it’s really annoying when I forget them at home.

        3. WestsideStory*

          Yes multiple glasses also multiple pens and scissors. And putting stuff in the same place every time. The only issue on that is training other people to put.things.away. If I had a nickel every time Mr. Westside said, “Where is my____?” I’d be rich by now.

        4. Reluctant Mezzo*

          As soon as I had my cataracts done, I checked out the reading glasses at Dollar Tree, discovered what magnification works for me, and then bought a box of the right kind from The Evil Empire. I also put one pair on a shiny Old Lady Chain which also makes them easier to find even if I’m not wearing them.

      4. Pam Adams*

        I take multiple medications, so my weekly pill sorter is in the drawer by my bed, the pills to refill them are in a box in another drawer, and the unopened pill bottles are all in a 3rd drawer. They’re all on auto refill

        1. Fluff*

          This.

          My parents haughtily rejected the very cool weekly pic sorter a friend got them. So they gave it to me (it is one of the metal clicks ones – amazingly cool). On a whim I tried it – and boy does that make a difference. And, I take 2 pills a day. 2. Like only 2. Just opening the thing and taking the meds is so much easier than having the pill bottles out and about that I have to ::sigh:: open, close, dump out a pill, etc. Brains are weird on what they get hung up on.

        2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I don’t use a sorter, as I only take one mandatory med each day, but it’s an important “don’t-miss-a-dose” one. My hack is turning the pill bottle upside down each day after I’ve taken it so that there’s no second-guessing.

      5. Hedwig*

        I bought a couple of ceramic trays that say ‘glasses’ on them from Oliver Bonas (not sure what the US equivalent would be). It shouldn’t make a difference but has been a game-changer. One is by my bed and one in the bathroom. I cannot see without my glasses and the only two places I take them off are in the bedroom and bathroom. Now I don’t worry about where have I put my glasses and try to feel for them, I know they are on the glasses tray in one of those rooms.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      This is a choice of questionable popularity, but I have leaned into smart things so I can set a time for the things to happen and they just happen without me having to think about it. My living room lights turn on at 4:30pm when I am done working and off at 10 if I forget to turn them off when I go to bed. My roomba runs at 10pm on Sunday and Thursday in one pair of rooms and on Tues and Fri in another. My smart locks lock one minute after they were unlocked, but only if the associated door is closed, and my security system activates at 10, 12 and 2am (in case my husband takes a dog out and forgets to turn it back on). Similarly, my garage door closes itself if it’s open at 8, 10 and midnight. (Some of that is second-round backups for things I very rarely forget, but I don’t wake up in the middle of the night going “did I (whatever)?” because if I didn’t, it did.) I have a group of lights in my husband’s mancave that I can control the colors on – if I turn them one color, he knows I’m trying to text him and please look at his phone, and another color means to come upstairs when he gets a minute. (I hate yelling plus he wears headphones and if I go downstairs I end up startling him, he jumps six feet, and gets grumpy. In fact there’s a third color that means “I am coming down the stairs don’t freak out.”)

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        Ooh the lights one – a less “smart” option but we put a light-sensitive bulb in our porch light so it automatically comes on when it gets dark and turns off in the morning.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yes! I have those in my outside lights, and on my staircases, motion activated LED strips that run up the baseboard so the stairs aren’t dark.

        2. Percy Weasley*

          The dusk-to-dawn bulb in my front porch fixture is some of my favorite technology! I never come home to a dark front door – it’s the best.

        3. allathian*

          The outside lights in the front yard are on a light sensor, the ones in the back are on a switch with a timer, so that they turn off in the middle of the night regardless.

          Our front hall light is on a motion sensor, very practical when we come home with our hands full.

          We have a quiet dishwasher and often run it in the early morning to take advantage of the cheap(er) electricity. It beeps when it’s done so we time it to finish when it’s time to get out of bed.

        4. Observer*

          If you have a light that’s not in a good position for that, most smart bulbs and switches can be set to follow sunrise / sunset. So my front door light is set to go on 1/2 before sunset and turn off half an hour after sunrise. It’s a safety issue for us, because unless that light is on you cannot see the address.

      3. Dark Skies*

        A number of people mentioned keeping lights on all night, either via special bulbs or timers. Please, please look into the problems associated with that and the benefits to keeping skies dark. If it’s not possible or safe to keep lights off at night, please consider lights that do not shine in or out, lights will low illumination, and only illuminate your house or the area you need illuminated, without impacting your neighbors or any other critters that rely on the dark.

      4. Mother of Dragon*

        omg the mancave lights – I love that! Does he by any chance play video games? :)

      5. Hello, it's me*

        This is brilliant. Almost makes me want a husband again so I can do it. Almost. Not quite.

    5. Cosmic Crisp*

      I don’t know if it counts, but I put a trashcan right next to anywhere in the apartment I spend time sitting and it’s great. Way less junk sitting around (mail, nonrecyclable plastic packaging, etc) waiting to be picked up and taken to a central can.

      2. Bay*

        I use candleholders as tabletop garbage cans for tiny things and it’s been amazing– they’re cute, and a surprising amount of household garbage is in the ‘way too small to get up from my seat to throw away’ category but I also hate to leave it lying around

    6. fallingleavesofnovember*

      Autoplay/direct debit for almost all regular bills (utilities, phone, internet). I never have to worry about late payments, it all just gets taken care of! But I do recognize that’s a privilege of knowing I always have enough in my accounts. (I do still check my banking often.)

      1. Seamyst*

        I set up an autopay for my rent like a year and a half ago (before that I was writing and mailing a check every month) and it’s great!

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I could never do this before because I had to juggle. Now that I make more money, it’s so much easier.

    7. Firebird*

      I have a tough time remembering to take showers, because it seems like too much effort. Not exactly automation, but I moved my underwear into my bathroom instead of my dresser. Now I shower more frequently, because I removed the step where I have pick out and bring it into the bathroom. Not sure why it works, but it does.

      1. I wonder*

        That’s such a good idea!
        I, too, struggle with remembering to take showers and now I wonder which part of it I could automate to make it easier for me.
        When we moved into a new place last year, I already put the towels in the bathroom – there wasn’t enough room in our old bathroom and the added step of having to get the towel had been a major mental roadblock for me. So maybe there’s something else I could change now!

      2. Bulu Babi*

        Not a hack, but in case anyone is doing home renovations… Having a walk in shower without a ledge increased the number of showers by 150%. Just not having to climb a step or over the bathtub to get there makes a big difference. And I’m able bodied and quite agile! It’s really just literally and figuratively removing one step from the process makes it feel much more casual and accessible.

        1. Fluff*

          OMG – this is so true for me too.

          Able bodied – My sport of choice is acrobatics. I can lift my freakin’ leg over the tub and get in the shower, but noooooo that is too much. My brain acts like the step is like a rail road crossing with a forever train. A bathroom redo later I learned how much nicer it is for my brain to not have to step over into the tub and just walk into the shower.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I did that to simplify getting dressed in the morning. Also all my underwear is the same style (and 90% of it is the same color) so there’s no real “picking out” to do, and similarly all my socks are the same shape (though not the same color/pattern but they’re ankle socks so who cares and my team at work worries that something is wrong if I wear matching shoes either) so I just grab two out of the basket and don’t bother to match them at any point.

        1. Hello, it's me*

          I have white ankle socks (the thicker, athletic kind) that are all exactly the same. I have black, thinner socks that are all exactly the same. After washing, I can just throw them in the drawer and be done. No matching needed, no folding them together. I do keep the colors separate, though. Even if one sock gets a hole in it, I keep it’s partner in the pile–eventually another sock will get a hole and I’ll have a complete pair again! And no more worries about wearing one brown and one black sock!

          1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

            Yes, I try to have all of the socks as same type and in one or two colors thing. Matching socks that were similar, but not quite the same was SO irritating.

          3. Reluctant Mezzo*

            Yes, once my husband found a set he liked, I bought a dozen pair. Now I don’t have to match them!

    8. Wellington hat*

      My recycling bin is next to the fridge. I glued a magnet to a letter opener and stuck it on the fridge above the bin so that I can bring the mail into the house, open it right there by the bin, and recycle things immediately.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        In our first house, the mailbox was at the end of the driveway and the recycling was in the garage. I picked up the mail, drove into the garage, and sorted it before I went inside so the junk never even made it in the door.

        We also put a copper bowl on the counter and anything that came into the house and didn’t have a place or wasn’t dealt with immediately went there. Bills (back when they came in the mail), membership cards, extra keys, all sorts of things. If we were looking for something, there was a 99% chance it was in the bowl.

    9. FD*

      I also think there’s some value in deciding what things you actually just don’t care about.

      I have some clothes that have to be hung up so they don’t wrinkle but everything else gets chucked into bins. I don’t fold them. I hate folding laundry and I just don’t do it anymore.

      I also decided that I will make my bed if I feel like making my bed, but if I don’t feel like making my bed, my bed can just not be made. Again, this is a small task, but freeing myself from guilt over it freed up a lot of energy in the morning. And weirdly enough, I make my bed more now that I’ve decided that it’s an optional task than I did when I felt guilty about not doing it.

      Also, if you do live with other adults, it can be helpful to periodically sit down and figure out what tasks each of you really hate and what ones you tolerate and what ones you actually kind of like. Probably there will be some tasks you both hate that you’ll both have to take some of. But sometimes you get lucky and there are places that you have complimentary likes and dislikes. I do the majority of the cooking for our household, but my wife chops things up for me. I clean the bathrooms, but she keeps the floors clean.

      1. allathian*

        Yes. Our apartment’s large enough that I don’t have to look at it, so I don’t bother to make it except when I change sheets. When I lived in a studio apartment I made my bed every day.

        1. allathian*

          I also never iron anything except the linen tablecloth we use for Christmas dinner. We don’t have a tumble drier as our climate’s not very humid, so a thwack gets most of the wrinkles out of wet clothes.

          I also hate ironed sheets. It’s a weird sensory quirk of mine, but sheets feel slimy to me if they’re too smooth. It’s just one more reason why I dislike sleeping in hotels.

      2. Girasol*

        Seconding not folding. I’m pretty neat with clothing but dish rags and kitchen towels get wadded into their drawer. Who cares if they wrinkle? And socks: I have lots in two colors and throw them all in the drawer together.

      3. Dawn, higher ed*

        This is great advice. Certain things really need to be done. But there are a lot of things that some matter to everyone. Figure out which those are, and organize around that. My husband likes laundry to be folded perfectly (engineer!). I don’t care but enjoy my perfectly folded clothes. My husband would eat ramen every day. I care about health and variety, and I enjoy cooking (sometimes lol), so I do most of that. We rarely make the bed and though cleaning exterior windows would be nice, neither of us cares enough. Making peace with what isn’t going to happen or won’t happen at an ideal frequency helps with the mental load.

    10. Tradd*

      I get everything delivered. I did my first grocery delivery around 2001 with Peapod when I lived in a big city. Now, I’m in a suburban area, but I hate shopping. I think more people should try it, or at least pickup.

      AirTags (or the Android equivalent) for keys and other things you need to keep track of.

      Alexa (or other home assistant) and smart plugs to turn lights and fans on/off. One Echo device and a few smart plugs don’t cost that much. Handy to have music/new/radio anywhere at home without having your phone nearby.

      1. Observer*

        If you have an iPhone, you can try HomeKit stuff, but it’s a bit more limited.

        Or, you can do Google Assistant and speakers along with the smart plugs.

        But also, there are more and more smart appliances. My next AC is definitely going to be smart.

        And if you are buying current stuff, look for items that are Thread / Matter compatible.

    11. The OG Sleepless*

      This isn’t very interesting, but I put a few things on autoship once I figured out exactly how often I needed to buy them: dog and cat food, printer ink, furnace filters. I don’t mind grocery shopping and we live close to the store, but there are a few things that it’s just easier to have on autoship than it is to keep up with how much we have.

      1. Alan*

        I have never been able to make this work. Either things come too often and take up space, or not often enough and I need to scramble.

        1. The OG Sleepless*

          It wasn’t easy to figure out! I wrote the date I bought it on the thing itself and waited to see how long I ran out. I haven’t figured it all out for sure.

    12. Lunchtime Doubly So*

      I use Google tasks with recurrent reminders for every possible task that has to be done with regularity- paying bills, putting out recycling, scheduling annual doctor visits, etc. Anything I need to do on a regular cadence, goes out of my head onto the task list. I have at least 40 different tasks on repeat that really take a lot of mental load off me.

      1. Biscuit*

        I would love to hear more about your system. Does Google Tasks email you when the item comes up, or what? I’ve used Google calendar for some recurring things like this (eg make dentist appt twice a year, or put in X order for a thing that needs to be ordered weekly) – creating a recurring event is easy and I like that I get an email when the time comes, but it’s annoying when I look at my calendar for the upcoming week and it’s cluttered with recurring tasks. I don’t want the reminder to be just a pop up notification because I often can’t do the thing immediately and by the time I’m at my computer and ready to work on things, the notification has disappeared so I’ll forget about the task.

        1. Schmitt*

          It sounds like you’ve been using events, which work slightly differently.

          I have google calendar on the phone & the notifications pop up and are permanent until checked off – the notification also repeats one day later if you swiped away but didn’t check it complete. Tasks are a separate “calendar” so I have them hidden on the main calendar.

          1. Lunchtime Doubly So*

            Yes, exactly. I use the tasks app on my phone or the side bar on the calendar and hide the tasks on the calendar itself to prevent the clutter. Then you only see the next occurrence of the repeated item as a notification or on the list itself.

    13. Alan*

      Not sure this counts for what you’re asking (great question BTW) but I’m putting a lot more on my calendars as reminders, and doing a lot more auto-billpay (planned out in Quicken calendars to make sure there will be enough money).

    14. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I use my Google calendar as a to-do list. When I think of something I need to do, I put it in as an appointment when I think I’ll have time to do it – things like “call the plumber” or “make the car rental reservation.” I also have recurring tasks set up as regular appointments. I get a text reminder and then an Email reminder, and the Email reminder sits in my inbox until I do the thing.

      I know Google has a task list. I tried it and this works better for me.

    15. Emma*

      This is specific to grocery pickup, but rather than keep a grocery list, if I notice I need something, I add it directly to my online cart. Then when I’m ready to order, things I’ve noticed throughout the week are already in my cart.

    16. Not Myself Today*

      I realized at work that the name for something I’d been doing at home is called “bin stocking.”

      It just means you figure out min and max quantities for certain things you use regularly and keep in a designated place, and restock / submit an order when the quantity drops to the minimum level.

      I started this because I hate *having* to go get something essential. It seemed like I was running out to get something I needed way too frequently for my taste. So now I keep an extra shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, vitamins, paper towels and napkins, and probably a host of other things. When I run out and have to grab the spare, I put the item on the list, knowing I’m in no particular hurry to get it as I have a whole bottle or package left.

      The “max” part is really important – the goal is not to turn your home into a Costco warehouse! In most cases I mentioned the min and max are one, although vitamins max at two because they’re always 2-for-1 at my store.

      I suspect lots of people do things like this without thinking about, but it’s another way to limit how much work you have to put into shopping. If feeling like you *have* to go get something you ran out of is really irritating, think about whether it would benefit from bin stocking.

      1. Ginger Cat Lady*

        I do this too! It didn’t work well for the first decade or so, because my husband would grab something and not put it on the list. But once I told him he would be doing 100% of the last minute grocery runs if he didn’t get on board with that system, and followed through several times (including a late night run for TP) it works much better! It really needs to be something everyone in the house does.
        If you take the last one, put it on the list!

    17. My Brain is Exploding*

      Clean out my purse every Sunday night. Have a key hanger. Get out the next day’s clothes the night before. Whiteboard on the fridge for people to write down when we are getting low on something. Auto pay bills. One night a week is always the same dinner, like Taco Tuesday (although we don’t do that much any more). When I used to do most of my shopping at the commissary and they changed the layout, I made a document on the computer of what was in each aisle that I might use (so, Aisle 6: flour, sugar, Aisle 12: frozen ground turkey) and the things I normally have to get every week (spinach, carrots, milk, etc.) It reminded me to check on the things we regularly buy and sped up my shopping trip. I mostly shop at Aldi now but the master list of what I like to always have around is still useful! Wednesday is clean the bathroom day (nothing else has its own day). And all that’s off the top of my head. Can’t wait to read everyone else’s comments.

    18. Indolent Libertine*

      This is a very tiny one but it’s been a game changer for me. I recently had to start taking a medication at a dosage of X milligrams/day, but the lowest strength in which it’s actually manufactured is 2X, so one either splits the pills in half or takes it every other day. I have good pill splitters at home and I’m quite adept at doing that, but these pills aren’t “scored” so they don’t split well at least 75% of the time; you wind up with one huge piece and one small one, or more often, one piece that’s about 65% plus a pile of crumbs.

      I know myself and remembering to do something every other day is… just not on. But then I discovered that “every 2 days” is one of the built-in intervals for the iPhone Reminders app! So I have that set to prod me to take this at bedtime every other day, I don’t forget, I no longer destroy pills into piles of dust, yay!

    19. Saucy Flamingo*

      I subscribe to the Weekly Home Check email blast and I love it both because it has taught me about how to better take care of my home but also because it keeps me following a regular schedule for doing those once a year/few times a year house chores that I don’t necessarily think of; like checking the smoke detector batteries, cleaning my washing machine, resealing my granite countertops. Even if you’re an apartment renter, there’s still good tips in there even if you’re not responsible for it all.

      Additionally, if you have houseplants, the planta app is amazing to remember to water the plants.

    1. Past Lurker*

      Someone I trained in a task is doing it very well! Mostly due to their own abilities, but still glad I could help.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I got to interact with younger people in a very positive way today!

      2. Hello, it's me*

        Sugar eggs! Are they hard to make? Does it take much artistic talent to make them? I would love to try this, but they look so intimidating. I’m not sure my 10 thumbs are up to it.

        1. Bathyphysa Conifera*

          I bought these at a local candy store. Local artist makes them. They hadn’t had them for several years (artist had arthritis) and reappeared this year, and I figured this might be the only chance.

          I imagine if you decorate a pre-bought sugar egg with frosting polka dots or stripes you can manage something fun without much 3D artistic sculpting talent. (A bakery near me in December sells pre-assembled gingerbread houses with a bag of mixed candy and a tube of royal icing. So you can do the fun finicky decorating bit without trying to solve the standing upright bit, and don’t have gallons of candies left over at the end.) These eggs contain little frosting animals frolicking in gardens of royal icing and are so many miles beyond what I could produce with a tube of frosting.

        2. GoryDetails*

          I’ve made them in the past – the hollow kind with little scenes inside. Making the hollow eggs was easier than decorating them for me, but it was fairly simple: I just got a set of egg-shaped molds, one that nested inside the other, put damped sugar in the larger one and set the smaller mold inside to press the sugar flat, carved a semi-circle at the end of each half for an opening, and let it set. Unmold the halves and stick them together with royal icing. (I think I used small plastic figures for the scene inside; more deft decorators could pipe little chicks or fawns or flowers to make the whole thing edible.)

        1. Hello, it's me*

          Probably too late for the commenter to see this, but thank you for the info! Those little eggs always look (to me, anyway) like something I’d need to go back to school for :)

    4. Cosmic Crisp*

      It has not been a great week overall, but I bought a cheap digital drawing tablet and found a free online course to take and I’m making a start on learning! I took art in high school but haven’t done digital art seriously before and I’m excited.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Cool!
        May I ask what tablet you got? I was thinking of getting one too but I didn’t want to spend too much money.

        1. Cosmic Crisp*

          It’s a One by Wacom, model CTL-672 (medium size as opposed to the 472 which is smaller of the same model). It’s the kind without a screen which is much cheaper. I got it for under $50 on ebay. One buying tip I got if you’re buying secondhand is to be very sure it comes with the pen- those can be quite expensive by themselves. I’ll put a link to the advice site I used to pick out the model in a reply since I found it so helpful.

    5. Fluffyicculus*

      I taught 3 kids to sounds out cvc words! (I teach Kindergarten). It is the BEST feeling when you see that lightbulb click on.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        I’ve heard so many teachers say that, including my mom. That’s got to be so cool.

    6. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      It snowed today! It didn’t snow all winter and I thought it wasn’t going to and then I woke up to snow. Hilariously, Apple weather insisted all day long that it was actually raining.

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      It SNOWED!

      Took until March 13 but we got there! It’s mostly good news because we need all the snowpack we can get and this system is ladling it on up in the mountains, but it was the first time this year that it hit the city proper.

    9. WoodswomanWrites*

      Not being the least bit handy, I am quite proud of myself for cleaning out and fixing our compost system, at last defeating the forces against me, behind my five-unit apartment building.

      When I moved in 20 years ago, I bought a plastic compost bin and placed it behind the house, years before there was city pick-up for such things. My neighbors and I don’t use it for anything other than letting it all rot and avoiding the landfill. In recent years it’s been soggy, didn’t decompose well and filled to the brim, and nothing I tried kept urban digging mammals out of it.

      I’d finally had enough, shoveled everything out, and got the advice of a professional gardening friend who told me to just start over. It turns out that a former neighbor in our five-unit building who had rebuilt it about a decade ago had put bricks in the bottom. No wonder it wouldn’t drain and I periodically had to empty it out.

      I figured out how much and what kind of wire mesh to get–now I know it’s called hardware cloth–placed it in the bottom of the bin, bought and used a staple gun, and stuck steelwool in a couple small gaps. I layered in the dead leaves I’d collected in the fall to use throughout the year for this purpose and we’ve put in our kitchen scraps. I put some bricks in a couple spots to keep it steady and discourage animals.

      I went outside to find the biggest attempt I’d ever seen from a critter–maybe a racoon?–to get into the bin. Nada. They can’t do it.

      Again, me and tools haven’t been a thing. I am gloating in my triumph!

    10. allathian*

      We went to Ikea late last Sunday and bought matching sets of liquid soap dispensers, black for the scented soap the rest of the family uses and greige for my unscented soap. We buy refill bags from Lidl and the original plastic dispensers were getting grungy and ugly.

      Nearly all of our snow has gone thanks to a couple rainy days during the week.

    11. Shakti*

      2 days before my spring break trip to Savannah where I’ll get to pat bookstore cats, but art supplies, thrift, walk around superb architecture, and have fun with my family. After a brutal week and a half we have all started to recover from getting influenza A. This strain is as rough as they say

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        The whole family getting the flu sounds terrible. Have fun in Savannah! Are you talking about E. Shaver’s? That place is a treasure.

    12. BellStell*

      Starting another French class today and more snow here! Meeting a lot of cool people at a dinner party- the first I have gone to in 6 years!

    13. Madame Arcati*

      Yesterday my car passed its MOT (not sure what the US equivalent would be but it’s an annual check you must have on your car or your insurance is invalid, which is itself illegal – to make sure the car is safe for you and other road users) only needing a new windscreen wiper, which given the very very rainy weather so far this year I’m not surprised! Poor thing was overworked… Anyway, a joy because no expensive work is necessary.
      Also it’s a beautiful sunny morning here in the south of England and my partner ne I are going orienteering so yay for fun, fresh air and exercise, plus enjoying the gentle English countryside and nature. And dogs out for walks!

      2. Hello, it's me*

        Your MOT is our inspection. Your windscreen is our windshield. I always enjoy seeing these differences in what is (mostly) the same language.

    14. Venus*

      I went cycling yesterday! It snowed overnight so I won’t be doing it again soon, yet it felt really good to hope that I’ll be doing it more soon when spring comes.

    15. Chauncy Gardener*

      Finished all my continuing ed credits so I’m done for two years now.
      The red winged blackbirds and mourning doves are back, so spring is here even though it snowed last night.

    16. PhyllisB*

      Mt daughter is coming today for an early birthday celebration. It’s not until the 23rd but this is the time she has available. Then my granddaughter is coming the next weekend for the same thing. I get to celebrate twice!!

    17. Elle Woods*

      I *finally* had time to watch Heated Rivalry. One of my friends recommended it. Soooooo dang good!

      1. Fellow Loon*

        Yay! I’m fully obsessed with this show, always surprised there’s not more discussion about it in these weekend threads! :)

    18. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My husband suggested we go out for the day on Thursday – lunch, museum, dinner, theater. I’m almost always the planner and this made me feel so cared for and cosseted!

    19. RagingADHD*

      I have reached the stage of PT for my arthritis where I was able to go to Regency dance practice this week and actually do all the dances without sitting out at all.

      Was I doing the skipping and hopping? No. But I was able to do all the turns and formations, and keep pace with the people who were skipping!

      I had set a goal to be able to participate (at keast partially) in the annual ball a couple of weeks from now, and I wasn’t sure if I’d get there in time, but I’m ahead of the curve already!

    20. Biscuit*

      I just went to a Pi Day (3/14) pie swap and it was so much fun! I took a pie and came home with slices of so many amazing pies to try! Plus inspiration for future pie baking :)

    22. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      I got the Globle in two tries twice this week. Which technically is far more impressive than getting it on the first guess, though my endorphins light up like a slot machine once-twice a year when the correct answer is my starting country of Mali.

    23. carcinization*

      I bought a very pretty new sundress (with pockets!), I’m planning to wear it to the Spring Equinox Market that the local “metaphysical” shop is having next Saturday.

    24. Shiny Penny*

      Saw my first hummingbird of the year today!
      It was taking some raw cashmere (goat undercoat wool) from my nesting material dispenser. I offer cashmere, and rougher raw sheep fleece. The robins don’t care which, but the hummingbirds definitely prefer the softer option.

  3. Jazz and Manhattans*

    We are going to Japan in a few weeks and will go to various places in the country via a tour. Sweetie was told by someone that people in Japan prefer cash over credit cards. We will be in Tokyo, Hakone, Osaka, Nara, and Kyoto so for the most part not small towns. Has anyone been there recently that can tell me if this is true or not? We will mostly have to pay for some food but I would like to do a little shopping.

    1. Japan 2025 trip*

      Smaller vendors will take cash only. I also recommend Suica card – I added it to my Apple wallet and was able to add funds to it pretty easily as needed for public transportation, etc

    2. Olivia*

      Most places accept credit cards now, especially in the areas you’ll be visiting. However, I do recommend having some cash on hand. Either take out cash at an airport ATM or find a 7-11 near your hotel. 10,000 yen should be sufficient.

      Suica cards are great, but if you are part of a tour one might not be necessary. If you plan to take public transportation on your own then definitely get one. As mentioned by another poster, you can digitally add one if you have an iPhone. Otherwise, you can can purchase a physical Suica card at the airport which is called “Welcome Suica” and is specifically designed for tourists.

      1. Temple*

        Agreed with the 10,000 yen. You’ll want some cash for temples too if you’re planning on visiting any and buying amulets or praying (some of them also have entrance fees but most don’t).

    3. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      That was not my experience 10 years ago when we went, so I doubt it is true now.

    4. Reg*

      Sorry, a bit off-topic — Oh! Hakone!!!! Hope you are going to the open air sculpture museum.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I went in 2024. I was told the same thing so I brought some yen, but everywhere I went accepted credit cards. I think I needed cash in a couple of taxis but everywhere else I used cash because I had it, not because credit cards weren’t accepted. (We were in Tokyo, Kyoto, Shuzenji, and Osaka.) I also had no trouble with the ATM.

    6. PhyllisB*

      Went to Japan in the 70’s and loved it!! Everyone was so welcoming and gracious.
      My biggest hint is if you don’t speak/read Japanese, PAY ATTENTION to your surroundings so you don’t get lost. My sister went in a store we didn’t want to go in so we were going to wait outside. We decided to stroll around the block. Easy right? Well, when you can’t read the signs not so much. We finally found our way back but we must have looked frazzled because she came out, took one look at us and cracked up. She said you left the area, didn’t you? For those of you wondering why we couldn’t look at store fronts and figure this out, we were in a shopping district that had a whole section of stores selling the same thing. This section was fake food that restaurants used for display to showcase what was on their menu. It’s amazing how similar 15 stores displaying artificial food look.
      My own sister who was living there at the time and had learned some of the language/symbols managed to get lost. There’s nothing like speeding down the streets of Yokohama with someone yelling at you, “Look for the kongi that looks like a washing machine!!”

    7. Cash*

      Yes, I was there a few months ago and traveled between Tokyo and Hokkaido. We used a lot more cash than I expected, although it looks like you’ll be in bigger cities more than I was.
      Big stores took cards, but smaller shops and restaurants preferred cash. The trains took cards for the tickets, but otherwise, transportation was mostly cash-based. Even the taxi drivers who could take cards asked for cash if we had it.

      Also, there is a little blue tray where you’re supposed to set the cash down instead of handing it to your cashier, and it’s apparently considered kinda rude to fold the bills. They sell longer wallets that will keep the currency crisp.

      1. Alan*

        Not handing cash to a cashier is interesting. I ran into the same thing in Munich. Shopkeeper got upset when I held out my hand for change. Is handing cash back and forth with hands just an American thing? It feels weird to me to just set money down on the counter.

      2. Hello, it's me*

        My guess is that smaller businesses want/need to avoid paying the credit card fees their use incurs. And avoid hassles dealing with the credit card companies–I have no idea if they’re merchant friendly. Just the normal “paperwork” might be a problem for a merchant with a staff of three. For larger purchases anywhere, I always use a credit card. it offers some protections if you are unhappy with the purchase.

    8. Alan*

      Are you buying a rail card? Some people tell me I need to have one (going in November) but we’ve never found them to pay off anywhere else in the world.

      1. Sarah*

        If that’s the Japan Rail Pass, I did a couple of trips where I stayed in multiple places (similar to the OP’s itinerary) and did get one then, at the recommendation of the travel agency. I think it did save a bit and it made things nice and convenient. But I went more recently for just over two weeks and just stayed in Tokyo and Kyoto, and for that the maths didn’t work out – we used Suica for all our within-city travel. However, buying the bullet train tickets for the Tokyo-to-Kyoto travel was extremely difficult to do from outside Japan – I wanted to do it in advance so I could make sure to reserve seats, but in the end I had to get a friend in the country to do it and have him share his ticket machine collection code with me!

        1. Alan*

          Thank you! So many people are saying to buy a Suica card that I’ve added that to our arrival notes. It didn’t even occur to me to buy Shinkansen tickets ahead. Did you try the Smart-Ex app? Or some other approach?

          1. Olivia*

            The Japan Rail Pass used to be a great deal, but after a price increase in 2023, it tends to no longer be worth it. Google Japan Rail Pass Calculator to see if it would make sense for your intinerary. I’ve purchased Shinkansen tickets with the Smart-Ex app and found it easy to use.

          2. Sarah*

            I tried to download an app, can’t remember if it was that one or another one, but whichever one it was, it was not available in my region (I’m in the UK). I feel you’re in the US so maybe that’s why you’ve evidently managed it? I hope so! :)

            I was travelling with someone who was a) older b) easily worried so I wanted to be sure we would have the tickets all sorted and a comfortable place for us to sit.

            Definitely get the Suica though, then you can just tap on and off the trains (and I think buses?) and you don’t have to worry about needing to buy any individual tickets. I hope you have a fantastic trip! (And that the OP does too!)

            1. Alan*

              That makes sense. And thank you! I’m normally one to buy train tickets ahead of time. We get enough surprises traveling that I like to nail down everything I can. It just didn’t occur to me for this. I’ll go ahead and do that when the time gets closer. As you said, getting good seats is a nice advantage.

    9. anonymouse*

      lots of travel advice about Japan is super out of date and this is one example. I’ve been going every year for many years now and ten years ago, yes you needed to carry a LOT of cash. Now, since covid and the boom in tourism, taking credit cards is common. People are still fine with large amounts of cash – a cashier won’t think twice about breaking a very large bill for a small purchase. But there are lots of electronic payment options now – many are not available to tourists, but it shows that this is now normal.

      And yes it’s true as others have said that small vendors may not take cards but honestly this is kind of just common sense. I don’t expect the old lady who’s selling onigiri for 150 yen from her tiny shop to take a credit card.

      1. Alan*

        Covid must have changed a lot. We’ve gotten the same advice in Europe (“They don’t take credit there. Bring cash.”) and found there too that unless you’re purchasing something really inexpensive, everyone takes plastic or tap.

        1. Hyaline*

          We found the same in Europe–we were there in “opening up” period post-Covid and many small businesses had brand-new portable card readers. That said, it stayed pretty normal to have cash on hand, as if the reader broke or the internet was down, everyone just kind of expected business to go on as usual and it wasn’t an emergency to fix it…since at that point everyone still carried cash, too!

          1. Jill Swinburne*

            The UK is like this too. Last time I went back the first thing I did was find an ATM only to find that, not only were cards no problem, some places didn’t accept cash at all. Even buskers had QR codes.

            1. Alan*

              Yeah, more and more places won’t take cash. A number of times we’ve stayed in “cashless” hotels. I imagine not having cash on the property helps a lot from a security standpoint.

      1. anonymouse*

        true if you have the physical card, but if you don’t already have one from a previous trip, it makes more sense to use the phone app

  4. Teapot Translator*

    In need of travel advice for people who’ve been to Madeira (I googled my question, I am unsatisfied by the search results).
    Context: I want to do my first hiking trip this year. I’ve settled on Madeira because it looks less expensive than my first choice (Cotswold).
    I found a guided hiking trip that is 12 days (including travel days from Canada). There’s five days of hiking. We’ll mainly see the North and East Coast. Is 12 days enough or should I try to stay a few days more by myself if budget allows?

    1. allathian*

      It depends on how well you deal with jet lag. You’re flying eastwards, which is generally considered to be more difficult to adjust to. Although being outdoors hiking in daylight will help with that…

    2. Weegie*

      5 days of hiking is probably enough – Madeira is pretty small. But it also depends how representative the scheduled walks are of the island’s quite varied scenery. And be aware that guided walks can be cancelled at short notice (sometimes even when in progress) because of heavy rainfall, which can cause sudden and serious flooding – for that reason it’s not advised to hike without a local guide there. So you might not get all 5 hikes unless the schedule is flexible.
      If you do an online search for ‘Madeira guided walks’, or ‘levada walks’ it’ll give you an idea of what’s available and whether you’d like to extend your stay to do more. You can easily book with local guides when you’re there.
      Also be aware that Madeira isn’t all that cheap to stay in! Probably cheaper than the Cotswolds, though :-)

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Yeah, it’s not a cheap destination. It’s just not expensive like the Cotswolds. I travel alone so everything is more expensive.

  5. I’ll try to make this quick*

    Friendship question:

    For several years, I was close friends with Debbi. A few years ago, I started to notice some things that didn’t sit well with me. For one thing, she bailed on a lot of things – moving out of her rental in the middle of the night without paying her final months of her contract, ghosting close friends and family, and using people for her gain.

    About a year ago, Debbi all of a sudden stopped speaking to me. There was no fight or argument. I reached out several times, asking if I did something to offend her. No response.

    I remembered another friend that she did this too. She ghosted a close friend after she (Debbi) didn’t get her way. The friend reached out to make amends and Debbi refused to speak to her.

    Fast forward to several months after she initially ghosted me. Debbi calls me frantically and asks me for a favor. I was in a meeting and couldn’t answer the phone. She never apologized for anything or explained her absence. It was as simple as “I need something from you” in a demanding tone. I did not respond.

    I’ve had some time to reflect and look at how I could have handled the friendship better. Honestly, I do not miss her at all, which to me is a big sign that the friendship had run its course. However, I do want to learn from the experience and be a better friend overall. I also want to be more aware of friendship “red flags.”

    Has anyone else dealt with this and if so, how did you move on?

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      I also had a friend who was a bit of a user — of me and of other people. She was also overly controlling, and I eventually stopped speaking with her. Can’t say I miss her.

    2. heckofabecca*

      It doesn’t seem like you were a bad friend to Debbi. It sounds like Debbi currently isn’t able to treat others decently when it isn’t convenient for her, and her relationships with others have obviously suffered or ended. The fact that she called you after months of silence (that included ignoring your attempts to reconnect) suggests that she’d already run through anyone else who might be more reasonable to ask for help.

      Of course, I might be reading it wrong! Either way, big hug, and loss of friendships is a kind of grief just like loss of life. Give yourself grace, but try not to wallow. Good luck. :)

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        Came her to say this, so seconding 100%.
        If you only hear from someone when they need something from you, they are not a good friend.

    3. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      I have had this with several people before. It seemed that if I didn’t make the effort, it didn’t happen, so I tested it out by just not scheduling stuff. Yep, those people would never reach out to me on their own and we are not friends now.

    4. allathian*

      Yes, I’ve dealt with similar issues with users who weren’t willing to make any efforts to connect with me unless they needed a favor (even if just someone willing to listen to them venting) and who never stepped up when I needed something from them. I stopped scheduling things with them and rejected their calls (I can’t stand a ringing phone so I have to either answer it or reject the call). The rich trust fund kid, the first person I knew to own a cellphone, who used to call me when she was drunk and I only had a landline phone got told to delete my contact info so she couldn’t call me in the middle of the night anymore.

    5. Irish Teacher.*

      Honestly, this is not about you. This is Debbi. I don’t know why she behaves this way. It could be that she is a user and is only interested in contacting people when they are of use to her and you stopped being of use to her so she stopped contacting you. It could be that she has some mental health problems or something that make it hard for her to contact people (though the tendency to use people and the reaching out when she wants something and the demanding tone makes the former more likely). It could be that she is controlling and was trying to manipulate you in some way by not contacting you. Like there was something she wanted you to do and thought you’d offer to do it to get her to be your friend again.

      It could be lots of things but none of them relate to you and there probably isn’t anything you could have done that would have changed how events unfolded.

      Not all experiences can teach us something. It is possible to do everything right and still have relationships (by this I mean friendships, romantic relationships, family ties, work relationships, etc) turn out badly because there are two people involved and sometimes the other person is just unreasonable or they have other things going on in their life that have an impact on the relationship.

      It doesn’t sound like you handled the friendship badly in any way. You could do everything the same with somebody else and have a great friendship.

    6. The OG Sleepless*

      The older I get, the more I realize how common this is. Some people are just like that. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. Obviously her ghosting both her friend and her landlord (!) were some big red flags. I’ve had this happen a few times; one was almost 20 years ago and it still hurts. The other just ended up being annoying. This person gets a kick out of doing big “cleanouts” of her life every now and then: new job! new partner! offloading this friend and that friend! so I wasn’t overly surprised when she eventually did it to me and a couple of mutual friends. I’ve learned that I’m bad about “falling” for charming people as friends the way some people do for romantic partners, so I’ve become more cautious overall.

    7. Middle Aged Lady*

      I have fewer and fewer friends like this. I finally started slowing down the friendship process and treating it more like dating. I used to jump in and get close fast, then it became hard to extricate myself when they did things that made me realize we were not a good fit.
      I would ask yourself what about Debbie attracted you in the first place? Were there smaller red flags along the way you brushed off? I am currently trying to give the brush-off to a woman who is a friend of a friend. That association with specific I like and trust made me overlook some aspects of her personality that don’t mesh with mine.

    8. Still*

      It sounds like she showed you exactly who she is and how she treats people. I’m not surprised that eventually she did the exact same thing to you as she did to others. Pay attention to how your friends treat others, and when they show you who they are, believe them.

    9. Hello, it's me*

      I had a friend like this. If she didn’t get what she wanted, she basically just “took her ball and went home.” I wouldn’t hear from her until she decided to reappear. I put up with it for much longer than I should have because she really wasn’t as nasty as this sounds. Her parents raised her to have everything, in every way. Her attitude wasn’t “spoiled brat” at all though! She just literally didn’t understand being told “no” because she had never really heard it. Surely you didn’t really like her if you would say such a thing, and it actually hurt her feelings to hear it. So, she’d disappear til she recovered.

    10. MeepMeep123*

      I’m in the process of dealing with it right now. This was my best friend for years and years, and I thought she would be there for me no matter what. I was definitely there for her no matter what. Well, she dumped me in the year that my father was battling cancer and didn’t even check on me once in the months since his death. I’m sure she’s got a good explanation for why she is doing that – she’s going through a hard time herself, and I haven’t exactly been available over the past year due to caretaking obligations – but I am not sure a friendship can, or should, recover after something like this.

      I’m not sure I have any advice, other than to suggest that it is always better to be alone than in bad company.

  6. Brilliant Mistake*

    Where would you try to sell a nice, wool rug? It’s not an antique; it’s brand-new. I ordered it, and for various reasons, it would be difficult and probably pricey to return. It’s a lovely, “leopard print” and it’s hand-tufted wool, made in India, 8′ x 10′. I’ve gotten no traction on Craig’s List or NextDoor. I’m not on Facebook, but maybe I have to be? I would happily accept $500, so not expensive, and certainly not cheap. Any other places I might try to sell it? I’m in a major city/metro area. It’s a lovely rug; it just won’t work for me.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      Can you find a consignment store where you could sell it? I suspect people browsing online used furniture listings aren’t in the market for $500 rugs, even new from a store.

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      Ebay? I feel like all the places you listed are more like “get this garbage out of my house” where people are looking for a deal more than a nice product, so expensive decor is going to be a hard sell even if it’s new and a good price for what it is.

    4. AptDeco*

      I’ve never used this but there’s a website called AptDeco [dot] com that might work.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      Another suggestion for eBay. I’ve had good results selling all kinds of things there, including items that were new like a tent I never used.

    9. Brilliant Mistake*

      Thanks for all your suggestions! I do need to get this rug out of my house, and I’d like to recoup something, if I can.

    10. WestsideStory*

      Aptdeco.com sells quality furniture and household items, I’ve sold furniture there. See if they are in your area. What I like about them is their people come to take away the item and deliver it for a reasonable fee. Firstdibs is another. I haven’t used them.

      Facebook Marketplace isn’t good for high-priced items. In our city they are often preludes to robbery, sad to say. The only time I’ve had luck using FB Marketplace is when we were doing a block sale (aka sidewalk sales). I advertised some bulky appliances and told respondents they could come by (outside of course on the sidewalk with my neighbors) between such and such hours on such and such a day. That worked perfectly.

      The problem with rugs is some people are loath to buy fabric items. (not so much bedbugs but smoking/cats/dogs etc in the home). Is yours still rolled up? That will help.

  7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    I’m in central Indiana a bit south of the tornadoes that hit Tuesday night, we had a high wind advisory all day today, and are due for another severe weather front including winds up to 70+ and potential tornadoes to pass through on Sunday night during normal sleeping hours. I have been a hot stress mess for weather reasons for over a week now, sleeping poorly, constantly fretful, and am struggling to bring myself down a notch – this is not normal for me and I don’t know what to do. From a preparedness perspective I’m good, I have a plan, I have emergency equipment and multiple weather radios with alarms, and I keep telling myself that chances are slim of anything truly bad happening, but it is just not helping. Any suggestions that don’t involve hiding drunk in my basement closet for three more days? (And good thoughts to everyone else in the middle of this nonsense, and all y’all farther north getting two feet of snow this weekend too.)

    1. old curmudgeon*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with that – I’ve been there, and it sucks giant rocks through a bendy straw.

      Off the top of my head and in no particular order, things that I can think of include:

      Yoga and/or meditation – if you’ve ever dabbled in either or both in the past, this might be a good time to dust off the yoga mat or meditation focal point and try again. If you haven’t explored those areas, possibly a community center or library might offer free sessions to try? It won’t be an immediate reversal of stress, but it can help you start to build a cushion of calm into which you can retreat when you need it.

      Music – if there is a particular piece or artist or genre that you absolutely just love, play that music as continuously as you can. That is another way of giving your brain a focal point to pull you out of the funk of stress.

      Is there a form of creative expression (writing, drawing, sculpture, music, fiber, etc.) that you really love? If so, maybe consider diving into a new project where you can figuratively knit or draw or write your stress into art.

      And while this possibility comes perhaps too close to armchair psychiatry for the rules, I have found that sometimes when I find myself really stressed and anxious about Topic A, far more than is warranted or justified, once I dig into it, I realize that totally unrelated Issue X is actually what is engendering all the turmoil. I am unfortunately really, really good at stuffing the actual cause of my anxiety down into the nether reaches of my unconscious, but that doesn’t make it disappear – it just pops out and associates itself with some other completely random topic. So it might be fruitful to ask yourself if there’s something else that’s behind that anxiety.

      Good luck, treat yourself kindly, and be well.

    2. RussianInTexas*

      I am sorry you are dealing with this, having The Weather, especially the prolonged one is rough. I honestly don’t know, for me the only way is to wait it out. We’ve had so many catastrophic weather events locally in the last 10 years, you just accepted there is nothing you can control weather wise, prepare as much as possible, and wait for it to pass.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      Don’t know if this might help, but it helps me— after I prep for all the “maybe” disasters, and still feel really stressed, I switch to just reminding myself that crappy things might happen, **and then Future Me will figure out how to cope.**
      That thought turns out to be quite comforting to me, in situations where the future might possibly be awful.
      Trying to increase my faith that I am resourceful, and really great at surviving crappy situations, and generally know ‘how’ to ask for help (even if I might not like asking for help)…. These transferable skills will help me in any future rough situation.
      So, do all the logical prep work (of course) but also then try reminding yourself that you are competent and resourceful. You WILL be able to deal with whatever comes.
      Sending best wishes!

      1. Asloan*

        I agree that sometimes when my brain is being Too Much, rather than overthinking it, I need a quick, simple mantra that I can repeat to shut down the cycle of getting worked up. Sometimes that mantra is rather odd or doesn’t seem like it would be comforting, but I know when I find it, my shoulders drop from up around my ears and I can settle. “Future me can deal with it if it happens” may be the right phrase. Some other ones I’ve worked with are “work stuff will keep till work time” or “we can do hard things” which I borrowed from a podcast. Maybe OP can try some out.

    4. Hyaline*

      Solidarity–also Indiana and spent last Tuesday night under one tornado warning after another, and lost power all day yesterday due to the wind.

      Does it help to articulate exactly what you’re afraid of? Because sometimes I think we bury that–like it sounds dumb to literally acknowledge “I am afraid of a tornado popping out of a storm cell with little warning (sure unlikely but) and being right in the path (also unlikely but)” but it lets you isolate that stuff. And like–WHY you’re afraid? Name the stuff–are you afraid of dying? Losing your home? The horrendous hassle of making an insurance claim on your car :) ? And come to terms with that fear instead of hiding it or hiding from it? And it lets you isolate maybe less catastrophic stuff that still worries you and is compounding the anxiety and strip them out a little–like “I am afraid the power will go out” (actually sorta likely) or “I am afraid of hail cracking my windshield” (not impossible). And then it’s like–ok, actually, most of that stuff is manageable and I’d be ok, so I can work on accepting the stuff that’s truly frightening on its own instead of trying to grapple with it as an overwhelming compendium of scary.

      And does it help to learn more about it? The science behind the storms themselves, or how the systems for the weather service work, or how meteorologists use radar and make predictions? Because the more I understand something, the less I tend to be actively anxious about it. It doesn’t change anything, but I feel better understanding it–when I can follow along with what the meteorologist is saying or what the maps mean, I feel better about it.

      Also I watch storms from my porch, so…I may have a skewed perspective. But man, they are beautiful! So if there’s any chance of appreciating them, that can help, too.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Not gonna lie, I have been using ChatGPT to translate a lot of the weather speak from NWS alerts (and then comparing it to local meteorologists and storm groups) and also to sort of … wiki-walk through storm prep? Like, I go “if the generator is running and we get a tornado warning is it safe to be on, or should we turn it off during the watch just in case?” And it gives me some detailed information and resources I can check and then says “would you like to know about this other thing that can be useful to know as a new generator owner?” So I say sure and it tells me new things, and then offers me something else on a new topic, and while I am not taking any of it at face value, it’s helping me process through some of the “what if” and “have I thought about this thing? No, so let’s do that.” At which point I can do separate research on best practices for the thing. So that is helping a bit.

        We haven’t lost any power this week – I’m down in the Indy suburbs – which absolutely floored me. AES has not historically done well in my subdivision; maybe at this point they’ve had to do enough repair work that there’s nothing left in bad spots :-P if you were in the Tuesday warnings I assume you’re north-er than me – my husband grew up in Demotte, and is largely unflappable as a result heh. Good thoughts tonight!

    5. Me*

      If you could get sleep, that could help. As such, I recommend the bettersleep app. You get a week trial period before you have to pay, so that will get you through this stressful time. The sleep meditation/hypnosis sessions have been helpful for me. I recommend downloading several sessions in case your internet goes out.
      I hope this helps. Please update us next week

    6. Asloan*

      If you have a basement, can you set up a cot down there and sleep? I did this a few nights we had twisters in the forecast and it really let me unwind and sleep vs being on the alert for the sirens / my phone. I had a semi-realistic reason I couldn’t sleep, which is I was worried about storms in the night. Being in the basement with my cat already meant I didn’t need to “do” anything else.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        That actually has helped some. My husband was gone on a work trip last week so I was stag for the first round of weather nonsense, but he got home Friday night and it’s not just me this time. Between us we have four cats and two dogs, one of whom absolutely refuses to ever go into the basement for treats, for shoving or when drugged, and she’s 115 pounds so we can’t exactly pick her up and carry her. But our plan is that tonight I will “sleep” (heh) in the basement with the other five critters, and he (being far less weather-panicky than me) will “sleep” in the living room with the basement-averse dog, and if the alerts go off he will get her and himself to a central window-less room at the top of the basement stairs. Being able to divide and conquer is helping a great deal. (Though I still hate weather. :-P )

    7. Oh That Lazlo!*

      Weather radios are critical to have but they go off if a warning box barely clips a tiny corner of the county even if that’s fifty miles east of your house. If you’re weather-anxious the constant false alarms will just add to the problem. No idea if it’d help in your specific case but there are free (legitimate) phone apps that only alert if your current physical location is inside the warning box. You still want the weather radios, obviously, but the apps make it easy to check whether a radio alert actually applies to you.

  8. Tabby Baltimore*

    I’m a month away from turning 65, so if anyone, of any age, has any advice on how to start the process for signing up for Medicare (Part A? Part B? both?), I’m all ears. Thanks!

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Look for a Medicare SHIP in your area. They’re volunteers who have been through the process, are trained to help others understand it, and can help with any questions. (Or know who you can ask.)

      1. Tabby Baltimore*

        Thanks so much for this, I wasn’t aware of this service. I’ve gone online and found I have to go through my state’s Area Agency on Aging to find a SHIP counselor, so I may try to get familiar with the Medicare website first before doing that.

    2. old curmudgeon*

      Congratulations on your almost-birthday! I recently navigated the Medicare maze myself so maybe I can offer a few tips.

      Medicare Part A is free as soon as you turn 65, and you really should go ahead and sign up for it at that point. Part A covers hospitalizations only, no doctor visits or prescriptions. I’d suggest logging into the Medicare site to sign up at a point when you have at least an hour to spare, because the process is not terribly straightforward.

      Medicare Part B is the part that covers doctor visits. It costs around $230 per month, and if you will have insurance coverage (through your job or your spouse’s) after you turn 65, it’s not worth signing up for Part B on your birthday. For one thing, as long as you have other coverage, that other coverage is considered your primary insurance, and I can guarantee you that you’re not going to get $230/month worth of coverage out of Medicare if they’re secondary. If you sign up for Medicare Part B before you actually start getting Social Security, you’ll get a bill for that $230/month. If you sign up for SS benefits at 65 along with Medicare Part B, they’ll deduct the premium from your monthly benefit payment.

      Medicare Part D is the prescription coverage. There are a lot of different options for that, and I can’t tell you which is best for your particular situation, but you need to select and sign up for one of them effective the same date that you sign up for Part B. The cost will vary depending on which one you choose.

      Be aware that there are penalties if you delay signing up for Parts B and D until after you turn 65, UNLESS you have coverage through your employer or your spouse’s employer. If you do have coverage that allows you to delay signing up, you’ll need to provide proof of that coverage (which can be a letter from the HR department at the relevant employer, or PDFs of your insurance card and pay stub showing that you are carrying the coverage) whenever you do finally sign up for B and D.

      Congratulations again, and welcome to the Old Fart Squad – we’re delighted to have you join us!

      1. Anonymeece*

        Re other coverage being primary — If you are still *working*, the coverage through work is primary and Medicare is secondary. If you are retired and still have coverage through your work, MEDICARE is primary and the work coverage is secondary.

        1. HoundMom*

          Insurance agent here — unless your company has less than 20 employees. Then Medicare is primary and your employer provided insurance will assume you have Medicare.

          If you are working at a company with 20+ people you can defer Medicare and remain on your employer’s coverage, if you contribute to a health savings account the tax benefits will be negated for the prior six months to joining Medicare.

      2. Tabby Baltimore*

        Thanks for this detailed info. I wasn’t aware if I could sign up before my 65th birthday, but given what Girasol said below about slow Social Security Administration response times, I see I need to get moving on this.

    3. Indolent Libertine*

      “Old curmudgeon” pretty much has it covered, but if you don’t have continuing employer insurance, you need a private Medicare supplement in addition to parts A and B of Medicare itself. The AARP branded ones available through United Healthcare have been terrific for my family.

      I don’t generally recommend the all in one Medicare Advantage plans, except if you’re a Kaiser member and want to stay within that system, in which case a Kaiser Medicare Advantage plan is your only option (this is what I have and it’s been great for me).

      1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

        I’ve had Medicare Advantage plan since 2015, and it’s been great. Bur- I live in a fairly large urban area, so there are a lot of options for doctors and hospitals in the plan. In a small town. the choices would probably be horrible. I’ve had 2 major and 3 minor surgeries, plus cataract surgery and another bilateral eye surgery, plus a ton of scans, a 6-week 5/7 course of radiation, and a lot of minor things. My plan has no premium beyond Part B, no co-pay for my primary care, no co-ay for most prescriptions, reasonable co-pays for specialists and other things. Out-of-pocket expenses are capped annually around $2500, so I see it as bankruptcy insurance as much as health insurance. For a person on a tight budget who can’t afford the higher premiums of supplemental plans, it’s a good option.

        1. Alan*

          I’m glad it’s working out for you. Where I live, more and more doctors/hospitals are refusing to take Medicare Advantage, including specialty cancer-care centers, etc. And this is a very urban area.

          1. KarenInKansas*

            agreed. I live in a rural area with smaller towns in driving distance and many providers and hospitals do not accept Medicare Advantage bc they just can’t afford it. I second talking to a SHIP counselor. Also, look for education sessions from your state or region’s council on aging. I’m attending my region’s 2-part series via zoom next week about our state’s Part D and Medigap options.

            1. HoundMom*

              And if you travel, Medicare Advantage does not work. I generally hear those plans work well in the go-go healthy years of retirement, but there are often issues with getting care in the no-go years of retirement. I caution people about joining them. Once you have been in one for more than a year, it is challenge to get out unless the MA plan leaves your area.

    4. Undine Spragg*

      IIRC correctly, you can sign up for core Medicare online. You do have to sign up for id.me (?) to create a government log in. Then you need to create a Social Security online account, then you can create a Medicare online account, then you can enroll in Medicare. You can do this up to three months in advance. It was easy enough when I did it, but that was pre-Doge so not sure how seamless it is now.

      Once you’re in your Medicare account, you can enroll in part A and/or B. As noted above, that is hospital and doctor. For B, if you have other insurance, let them know and I guess don’t sign up — I didn’t so I don’t know the exact process. You have three months after your birthday month to do this.

      You then have to decide about additional plans you get through private providers. That’s where it gets complicated. You can get Medigap or Medicare Advantage. Then there’s also prescription coverage. All of these put you in a marketplace situation. This is where you need the SHIP people or a good broker to sort through all the options. Again you have three months after your birth month, and I believe it’s retroactive if you sign up after.

      1. Tabby Baltimore*

        Really appreciate this level of detailed information about signing up; sounds like typical government bureaucracy. Additionally, I knew I had a time limit on how long after my 65th birthday I could sign up, but didn’t know what it was, so thanks for letting me know this.

    5. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      Thanks for asking this! I will turn 65 this fall so I am looking forward to the answers you get.

    6. Anonymeece*

      First — don’t wait for your birthday to apply. It takes time for them to process. Also for others — if you wait too long there’s a penalty.

      Second — I am not an expert, BUT. Strongly consider signing up for original Medicare, not any of the Medicare advantage programs (make sure all your doctors accept original Medicare first). Have just had a friend who broke her hip — her Medicare advantage plan denied essential after-care, including rehab facility and physical therapy!!!! The woman is 80 and was already frail!!!! The hospital caseworker told us this is common and no one our age should ever have medicare advantage rather than original Medicare. Just passing on one experience here.

      1. Alan*

        Yeah, for us traditional/original Medicare has been great, and very commonly accepted. Local medical offices sometimes won’t take Medicare Advantage plans.

        1. Tabby Baltimore*

          Good to know, and thanks so much for mentioning this. I am being bombarded in the mail by all sorts of promotional literature on these plans.

        2. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

          I’m lucky my doctors have pretty flexible options, but the biggest clinic in my town is no longer accepting Medicare Advantage for new patients and only 2 Medicare Advantage plans for existing patients, so that is definitely something to consider.

          My biggest worry is the Plan D, as when I looked, less than half have my most expensive prescription in their formulary.

    8. Pam Adams*

      My mail is full of them. I’m still working, so will sign up for Part A, and push the rest down the road.

    9. Alan*

      I would get on this quickly. It can take some times to sign up. We went into the local social security office because we were having trouble getting signed up online. There is phone support but it’s not the best. (In our case they said my wife hadn’t actually applied. Our local office found her application and approved it.) My wife used a Medicare consultant to help her figure out a gap plan (to cover the 20 % Medicare doesn’t cover) and Part D (meds). They’re free, getting paid by the plans that you end up signing up for. It’s really a great insurance plan. Lots of doctors, so easy to use. It was just a pain getting it started.

      1. Girasol*

        Second this! Move quickly. Social Security administration was running behind even before DOGE cut services. Figure out your plan soon and get signed up right away. The book “Medicare for Dummies” is a good help if you’re not sure what version of Medicare is right for you.

        1. KarenInKansas*

          I created my Social Security and Medicare accounts several months before my birth month, and did NOT start collecting SS bc we can afford to wait and the longer you wait, the higher your monthly payout. ANYway, bc I had everything in order well in advance, I was able to submit my Medicare application the month before my birth month, and coverage started on the 1st of my birth month.

          1. Alan*

            I was planning to wait too but then our financial planner said that in my particular case it would be better for me to take SS payments early than to live off money from my IRA. My family life expectancy is also not great so if I waited I might get less money. There is not one right solution for everyone (despite what one reads online :-)).

    10. Also just 65*

      Recently did all this and second all the great advice. It’s a bit confusing so take breaks as you go.
      A confusing thing for me was Medicare has PART A and Part B. Once you start looking at Supplemental coverage they talk about PLAN A and PLAN B and G and so on. PART is very from PLAN. They reference completely different things.

      Be really careful of Medicare insurance reps. They are almost all Medicare Advantage brokers who pushed very aggressively to become “my insurance rep of record,” to get a commission. One was super aggressive saying things like I’ll be leaving thousands of dollars on the table and I’ll be a “Medicare Orphan,” because I did it all online by myself. I’m fine. I didn’t appreciate the scare tactics.
      The Medicare, and Part D websites are really good & informative. You can even plug in your medications to see if / how they’re covered and what they cost.

      And to reiterate, if you pick Medicare Advantage, after one year (and 1 year only) you almost can’t go back to regular Medicare. You’d have to fill out a bunch of forms about pre-existing conditions that would have you rejected by those insurance plans. Regular Medicare has you bypass all those pre-existing condition questions when you sign up. A bonus.

      1. Also just 65*

        Disclosure: I live in a rural area where the Medicare Advantage criteria become huge roadblocks to get decent medical care. And become more expensive over time. YMMV

      2. Tabby Baltimore*

        Thanks so, so much for pointing out the difference between PART and PLAN, something that I could’ve easily missed! Given what I’ve read here, I will probably not be getting any kind of supplemental coverage.

        1. Me*

          I don’t think that’s what they were saying. There is original Medicare (parts A,B, D) and Medicare Advantage (Part C, encompasses what original Medicare covers but often has restrictions even while it covers more than original Medicare in other ways).

          Then there are supplemental plans (Plan G is what I have) that you can have even if you have original Medicare. Plan G is a medigap plan – I pay a monthly premium for it, and after I meet my Part B deductible, my medigap plan then covers all other payments that Medicare did not fully cover. Someone above mentioned the AARP plan by United Healthcare – I think my parents also have this as their Plan F or G or something. Again these plans are in addition to original Medicare, not a replacement the way a Medicare Advantage plan would be.

          Yes, it does sound very confusing!

        2. Girasol*

          You might want to rethink that. Bare medicare (parts A and B, offered by the government) covers most hospitalization and medical care but at 80% of the cost. Without some kind of supplemental you are on the hook for the 20%. At today’s costs that can be a lot. Medicare supplemental coverage – AKA Medigap, in a small alphabet of flavors – covers the 20%. It doesn’t include prescriptions, for which you need yet another insurance plan, Part D. Supplemental usually doesn’t include dental, hearing, and optical, so if you want those insured, you’ll need separate specific plans. Medicare Advantage bundles supplemental coverage with prescription and often includes dental, optical, and/or hearing, plus gym benefits and other neat services all in a one-stop shop. That sounds really nice, but keep in mind that it’s designed to be a money maker for insurance companies. They can surprise policy holders with “out of network” problems and denials for services you’d think were covered. It would be great if you could hand the whole mess to an insurance rep and say “Advise me!” But you’d do better to do at least some homework on your own first and learn what sets the plans apart so you have a good idea if they’re being honest or pushing a product that’s not right for you. (Yeah, I know: all my life I thought I’d just hit 65 and say, “Medicare! Yay! Sign me up!” only to find out at the last minute that it’s complicated and doing the homework is a slog. But mistakes can be spendy so it’s important to do it.)

    11. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Hubs and I both turned 65 last summer. We were buying insurance on the marketplace before so we needed Part A, Part B, Part D, and Medigap. You sign up for Part A and Part B on the Medicare website. We travel too much to make Medicare Advantage attractive. I’m a doc and I have strong feelings about what insurance companies I’ll do business with, so I immediately narrowed the Medigap options down to the two Blue Cross companies in our area. I looked at the various plans and only one offers any reimbursement for care outside the US. We travel internationally at least once a year, so that was easy.

      Part D was more complicated. Medicare.gov has a page on the website that shows all the Part D plans available in your area and allows you to plug in your own meds and compare coverage. I did that and purchased the cheapest option that didn’t come from one of the companies I refuse to deal with. The company we bought a Medigap policy from doesn’t offer Part D in this area.

      Beware of brokers. I talked to one on the recommendation of a friend who swore he was an adviser, not a broker, and five minutes in the convo it was clear my friend was mistaken and this guy was absolutely determined to sell me something I didn’t want. Nope.

      1. BlueScrubs*

        Great tips! (And I agree on the part about “there are some companies I refuse to deal with” – same here!)

        I strongly dislike our current system in the US – I feel like a lot of seniors get scammed or misled, and it’s no wonder, because the system is so ridiculously complicated. And that’s on top of the inherent conflict of interest insurance companies have. Who thought that it would be a good idea to have the companies responsible for PAYING for healthcare, be the same companies who get to decide if the healthcare is COVERED. So stupid.

    12. Middle Aged Lady*

      Check to see if your 401k or other retirement plan offers help. We got advice and sign up help for Part C (we got a Medigap Plan G) and Part D. We loaded all our doctors and drugs into a site they provided and they ran the numbers for us free!

      Get a copy of Medicare and You 2026 that will help explain it all. I agree with others that Medicare Advantage looks great on paper because it’s cheap up front but as you get older and sicker you may be glad you got Medigap.
      Also no co-pays! And you cannot switch to Medigap after your initial enrollment period without a health exam which may raise your premiums.

      If you make a lot of money they may calculate your Part B premium higher. They go back a couple years to do this. Since we had a high income that one year only, we appealed the decision and got it lowered. They will send you tons of mail. It’s annoying, but read it all. I might have missed this appeal opportunity in the pile if I hadn’t been reading carefully.
      Good luck!!

  9. Jackalope*

    Reading thread! Share what you’ve been reading, & give or request recs!

    I ended up being home unexpectedly today, so I spent much of the day reading Sisters In the Wind by Angeline Boulley. Some of you may be familiar with her first book, Firekeeper’s Daughter, about a young woman who is a member of the Ojibwe tribe in Michigan who becomes involved in an investigation in a drug ring in her community. This book is a sequel of sorts; a few of the characters from the first book are in this book as well, but the main character is someone completely new (also Ojibwe), and the themes of this book are different. It’s a thriller, and has some pretty wild scenes towards the end, but also has a lot of great character development. I believe it’s marketed as YA, but works well for an older audience as well. Just like with Firekeeper’s Daughter, there are some difficult themes addressed here, in particular a lot about parent-child relationships, foster care, & adoption, but as with Firekeeper’s Daughter I didn’t feel like it grew too heavy. (I’m comparing it a lot to the first book primarily because if you’ve read it that will give you a good feel for how you might like this book.) This totally works as a standalone book, and while you have a bit more background on a few characters if you’ve read FD, you will 100% be able to read this and follow everything if you haven’t. 5/5 stars, would recommend!

    1. Charlotte Lucas*

      Just started Haben Girma’s memoir, and I already would recommend it. (I saw her speak at a conference is ast month.)

    2. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      Started Emily Wilde’s Encyclopedia of Faeries, which I am quite liking. The fae are less Fantasia, more like mysterious lizards that range from lovely but inscrutable to sucking your organs out at night. They aren’t found in cities, so they are a problem for rural folk. A socially awkward human scholar (Emily) with an annoying colleague (Wendell) travel to an island nation off Norway to study their particularly icy fae.

      1. Wellington hat*

        I’m rereading that series! I recently read a new book by the same author (not part of the Emily Wilde series), Agnes Aubert’s Mystical Cat Shelter. Also fantastic.

    3. old curmudgeon*

      I am on a roll with Mary Robinette Kowal’s Glamourist Histories series – I read “Shades of Milk and Honey,” “Glamour in Glass,” and I’m about 2/3 of the way through “Without a Summer” at this point.

      I like them a lot, though I would probably find them even more enjoyable if I was a big Jane Austen fan, as the books are very much an homage to Austen’s work, which I’ve never really gotten into. MRK sets the books in the Regency (1810s), mostly in England with occasional jaunts to the Continent, and the series of five books follows the same characters over the course of several years. The biggest change from Austen’s work is that in MRK’s universe, magic (called Glamour) is real, and it is used mostly for artistic purposes, although occasionally nefarious characters try to subvert it for their evil machinations.

      I found the language used in the first book of the series to be stilted and artificial-feeling, which made it a bit difficult to get engrossed in the story. I suspect that might have been expressed by others, as the language used in the subsequent novels has a much more flowing, natural feel. Or it’s also possible that since “Shades of Milk and Honey” was MRK’s debut novel, she was still kind of feeling her way and learning her trade.

      MRK has a note in the Afterword to the second book that just delighted the inner geek in me. She wanted to eliminate as many anachronisms from her text as possible, so she created a massive database of every single word that Jane Austen ever used in anything she ever wrote, and used that as a spell-check dictionary for her own writing! If a word in MRK’s work got flagged as not being in the Jane Austen dictionary, MRK researched the word to determine if it was used in Regency England. If it was not, she’d search out an authentic alternative word, and use that instead.

      It has been quite a delightful jaunt so far, and I expect to finish the rest of the books this weekend as I hunker down through the snowstorm we’re supposed to get. They’ll be a fine way to stay cozy, I think.

    4. madhatter360*

      Ooh, I didn’t realize “Sisters in the Wind” was out yet. I have it marked down to fill a prompt for a reading challenge (a book set in Michigan or by an author from Michigan). I loved Firekeeper’s Daughter and Warrior Girl Unearthed.
      Currently reading “There is No Antimemetics Division” and “The Heir Apparent” which are very different tonally.

    5. Not your typical admin*

      I’m late to start reading this, but I just got into the Hunger Games series and absolutely love it.

    6. Cosmic Crisp*

      I finished Everything is Tuberculosis by John Green! It was a hard read on an emotional level but a good one. I really appreciated all the cited sources and I knew almost nothing about TB before, so I learned a lot :)

    7. Rum Do*

      The surprise for the week was The Frozen People by Elly Griffiths. I really liked it, looking forward to it as a series! Ali is a detective in a ‘cold case’ unit — cases so cold they use time travel to go back and solve them.

      Didn’t realize until after I started that it was the same author as the Ruth Galloway books, which I didn’t care for. People love them and on paper they should be up my street, but it seemed like she couldn’t go 10 pages without a reference to her weight, or comparing herself to someone else. I need less of that in my mind and in my world, and don’t want my books bringing it up. To boot, they were a tick too depressing. I made it through two books and bailed. So I was relieved this landed differently.

      1. Frieda*

        I also loved The Frozen People! I’m big on Elly Griffiths generally and was happy to try something outside my usual genres.

        You might enjoy her series that begins with The Postcript Murders.

      2. Tiny Clay Insects*

        Glad to hear it isn’t just me put off by the self-deprecating references to weight in the Ruth Galloway series. I stopped reading it after a few chapters because I was so irritated by that. I don’t need that stuff in my head.

      3. Spiral bound*

        After the incessant fatphobia made me drop the first Ruth Galloway I skipped ahead 5-6 books in the series and the later ones aren’t nearly so bad. Perhaps the author heard the feedback or changed with the times, but I suspect she intended it Ruth’s changing self-image to be an arc across the books.

    8. Pam Adams*

      I have at least a few college students named Moses or Moises on my Southern California campus. They’re Hispanic, but I don’t know if they’re Jewish.

    9. Not a proxy server*

      I started relistening to the Unselected Journals of Emma M Lion on audio and was reminded that this is my favorite narrator of all time. I’m on volume 6 (they are very short and very delightful) and I’ll probably finish up the series this weekend.

      My kids and I are reading Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman and they are devouring it. I love when we find a book that really hooks them! We have the edition from Bloomsbury that’s illustrated by Levi Pinfold, who also illustrated our favorite picture books (The Black Dog and Greenling), and it’s been really fun.

      I started The Tempest on paper since I had never read that one, and I hadn’t realized that the line “Hell is empty and all the devils are here” came from this play. It’s weird, and a very different kind of weird from midsummer nights dream, but I’m enjoying it!

        1. Not a proxy server*

          I finished it last night, it was so much fun! I’m looking forward to watching a performance of it.

    10. BellStell*

      Just started Twelve Months by Jim Butcher. It is the 18th in the Dresden Files series. Already excellent!

    11. GoryDetails*

      I’m really enjoying The Book of William: How Shakespeare’s First Folio Conquered the World by Paul Collins, kind of a “biography of things” centering on the First Folio – with details on the histories of specific copies, on the people who made it their mission in life to track down and document the known copies around the world, and some fascinating sections on how the plays were first published and the various books printed. [Some impressively devious early use of the first copyright laws, too.]

      On audiobook, a re-listen of a favorite: The Mysterious Mr. Quin by Agatha Christie, read beautifully by actor Hugh Fraser. The stories tend to be mysteries of love and/or death – sometimes solved years after the fact – with the fussy, aging “looker-on at life” Mr. Satterthwaite relying on inspiration from the enigmatic Mr. Quin to provide clues as to what really happened. I like the hints-of-the-supernatural here.

    12. Teacher Lady*

      Very slow reading week for me, as I have chosen the wrong books for right now.

      I’m working through The Cooking Gene by Michael W. Twitty, which is good but the chapters are very dense, a bit long, and don’t always offer logical pause points, so every time I finish one, I’m having to ask myself if I really have the focus for another 30 pages (and this week the answer has mostly been no). It is an excellent book, though!

      I also started Once Upon a Time in Dollywood by Ashley Jordan, and I might have to DNF it for now – reading about someone struggling enormously with mental health (and those struggles making her come off as kind of a jerk) is beyond my current capacity. I’m 5 or 6 chapters in and I haven’t touched the book since Monday, so I think it’s going back to the library for now.

      I did just get an order from a local-ish indie with a couple of romances that I know will be more manageable, so I might read those next, or I might go read some more Beverly Jenkins.

    13. Lore*

      Bear Witness by Ross Halperin. Completely engrossing NF about two men, one an American expat and one Honduran, who set a quest to reform the Honduran justice system. We just read Soldiers and Kings in my book club, so Honduras was on the mind. This is a true page turner.

    14. goddessoftransitory*

      More noir–The Pick Up and The Real Cool Killers, both written in the fifties. The latter is especially interesting because it’s based in Harlem and has two of the coolest named cop characters ever, Coffin Ed Johnson and Grave-Digger Jones. They have various issues, clearly. It’s by a Black writer, Chester Grimes, who wrote it when he was an expat in Paris.

      Also restarting Stephen Fry’s Greek Mythology trilogy for a pick me up/change of pace. It’s great for work because it’s easy to pick up and put down, plus funny and well paced!

      Still reading The Chrysanthemum and the Sword, too, by Ruth Benedict. Her attempts to explain the hierarchical structures and obligations of Japanese society really seem to parallel the notion of Original Sin in Western Christianity. She never says this overtly, at all, and I have no idea if that’s a theme she meant to imply or if I’m just inferring something because of pattern recognition, but it’s interesting.

    15. Elizabeth West*

      Finishing up Death of the Author by Nnedi Okorafor (this book is so good I recommended it to someone on the bus after we were commiserating over being forced to listen to a very loud phone conversation that kept me from reading).

      About to start Andy Weir’s Project Hail Mary. I was told I should read it before I see the new movie.

    16. The OG Sleepless*

      The Art Instinct by Denis Dutton, about the universal human appreciation for art and how it evolved in human culture(s). It’s a bit dense and rambling, like a lot of nonfiction books I read and then think, “this would have been better as a long form magazine article.” I don’t think I’m going to finish it. I’ll probably dip in and out to find interesting passages.

    17. Mobie's Mom*

      I’m reading The Wild Robot Escapes, after reading The Wild Robot last week. I recommend the series – kids’ books, obviously, but a cute story, and a quick, easy read.

    18. Aneurin*

      Read The Warlock Effect, by Jeremy Dyson and Andy Nyman. Stage magician Louis Warlock (formerly Ludvik Weinschenk, Jewish child wartime refugee to England) is drawn into Cold War espionage shenanigans in the Soviet Block. Parts of the plot required some willing suspension of disbelief as some elements felt a bit far-fetched, but it was pretty charming and the ending made me cry – in a good way!

      Still reading The Lord of the Rings in internal chronology, (spoilers!) Frodo has just been taken captive by the orcs at Cirith Ungol, so things are getting tense!

    19. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Went back after some months and finally finished Maeve Higgins’s *Tell Everyone on This Train That I Love Them*. I had a better experience coming back to it when I realized not to expect the kind of comedy from her that’s on *Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.* The book of essays is really more political commentary/reporting, mixed with a little memoir. I liked it pretty well, though some of what she writes about in the recent past now seems more distant that it is.

    20. carcinization*

      I finished Anders’ Lessons in Magic & Disaster. I ended up liking it a little better than I expected to when I was halfway through, so that’s something, I guess. I started reading Newitz’ The Future of Another Timeline after that, but realized after the first couple of chapters that I must have already read it. Still enjoying it though, and it’s a quick read, so I’ll finish it again.

  10. Jackalope*

    Gaming thread! Share what you’ve been playing, & give or request recs. As always, all games are welcome, not just video games.

    Today I finished my most recent run-through of Fire Emblem: Three Houses! I’ve been playing this a lot; I’m close to 700 hours in (and I’m pretty sure it’s more). I had a fun round trying to use a lot of characters that I often skip over, and enjoyed making them stronger. It’s one of those games where anyone can be an awesome character if you develop them (unlike some I’ve played where some of them just never work out). I managed to stop myself from going right back in and starting another round, but I have ideas for my next run-through already….

    1. SparklingBlue*

      Been grinding for Koga on Pokémon Leaf Green–Dratini hunting in the Safari Zone is fun, too.

    2. DeryckEleven*

      I loved my time with FE3H.

      I’ve been playing the first Suikoden via Suikoden I&II HD Remaster Gate Rune and Dunan Unification Wars. There’s some QoL improvements over the original, but not enough, so it’s frustrating doing common things like equipping and transferring items. They also seemed to have made the minigames harder.

    3. o_gal*

      Farms Race was advertised on my Facebook feed. I’ve read some reviews and a lot of them say it’s Catan combined with Risk. Has anyone played it and can give advice on whether to get it. We love Catan, and my guys love Risk.

    4. Pterodactyls are under-cited in the psychological literature*

      Song of the Scryptwyrm by Almost Bedtime Theater, the sequel to Librarian’s Apprentice. They’re both solo journaling RPGs and I love the creative worldbuilding – what’s already been done and what they prompt you to do. The game designer has also put tons of codes and secrets in that you can tackle if you want to but you don’t have to – I haven’t yet. Maybe next time!

    5. Busted*

      I have not actually played this, but last week I got the soundtrack for a Swedish game called Unraveled in my playlist and I loved it. I had it open on my computer and a colleague saw it and was very enthusiastic that I knew it. I just had to admit I knew nothing else about it than that I loved the music, but based on her recommendation I put it on my wishlist. It seems like a nice game.

  11. CTT*

    It’s Oscar weekend! This is the first year I’ve watched all 10 Best Picture nominees, and while there were some I definitely did not like, it’s generally been such a strong year which made it fun.

    Any nominees you particularly enjoyed? Of the BP nominees, Sinners and One Battle deserve to be the front runners, but I also really loved The Secret Agent and Sentimental Value and can’t wait to return to those again. Also, out of such a good Best Actor year, Ethan Hawke in Blue Moon was standout for me (even though I agreed with the Letterboxed review I saw that was like “I would never want to be stuck in a bar with anyone in this movie”).

    1. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      I’m rooting for Sinners. Such an amazing movie. I still play the rendition of I Lied to You with the dancers from throughout time.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I just finished watching that two minutes ago. It was good, but NO WAY was it better than Sinners. If it wins Best Picture, I’m gonna be mad.

        I do not think Sean Penn was better than Jacob Elordi, either.

    3. Eskarina*

      I have so many opinions! I enjoyed pretty much all the Best Picture noms, but especially The Secret Agent. I think it’s a long shot for Best Picture but I’d love it to win Best International Film. For Best Picture, I think Hamnet has a pretty good shot but I’d also love to see Sinners win. Absolutely agree with Ethan Hawke for Best Actor — just a transformative performance. I’d like to see Rose Byrne win Best Actress but I think it will probably be Jessie Buckley and I’m not too mad about that. Sean Penn is my pick for Supporting Actor and I’m completely torn on Supporting Actress. They’re all so different! Finally, I don’t think Train Dreams is likely to win anything but I am so glad it was nominated. What an absolutely gorgeous film. (Thank you for giving me a forum for all these opinions.)

    5. Elizabeth West*

      SINNERS! I desperately want Michael B. to win Best Actor. And Ryan Coogler needs to win some stuff too. Goransson will likely get Best Score — he’s been cleaning up in the other awards.

      And as you all know, I’m obsessed with Frankenstein! My fingers, toes, arms, legs, and internal organs are all crossed for Jacob Elordi to get Best Supporting Actor. I can accept Stellan Skarsgard beating him, but if Sean Penn gets it, I’m gonna be mad. I’m sick to death of him. In my opinion, Jacob should get it just for the “I am the child of a charnel house” speech. That absolutely destroyed me, haha.

      The only other thing that’s nominated I’ve managed to see is If I Had Legs I’d Kick You. That movie was incredibly stressful. It was done really well, but I will never watch it again.

      1. CTT*

        Okay so Frankenstein was one of the nominees I did not care for (although such beautiful gowns and I expect it to win a bunch of technical awards) and my big issue was Oscar Isaac. How did you feel about his performance? I love him, but the whole time I was thinking “you did this character so much better in Ex Machina.”

        Also, on Elordie, did you see Priscilla?

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I did see Priscilla post-Frankenstein, but I didn’t like it. Jacob sounded exactly like Elvis and it was kind of eerie. I found the movie slow and uninteresting. The actress who played Priscilla looked fourteen through the entire movie and I could not take her seriously as older Priscilla. The only thing I got out of it was that dating your celebrity crush may, in real life, not be as cool as you think it is.

          I hadn’t seen Jacob in anything but Saltburn before Frankenstein — I haven’t watched Euphoria yet. He was good in that, but it was such a different kind of character, and that was really Barry Keoghan’s movie. I had NO IDEA Jacob was so good until The Creature; he blew me away.

          I liked Ex Machina a lot, but I loved Oscar as Victor. I have seen Frankenstein 23 times — we’re married now, haha. And I cry at the end EVERY TIME. I loved him as Victor. I love this movie. I love The Creature. I have no notes. <3 <3 <3

    7. Oscar Thoughts from a Voter*

      Checking in as an awards voter based in Hollywood…

      I voted for Sinners, but I expect One Battle After Another to win both Best Picture and Best Director (there’s so much admiration for PTA, and this is his one movie that’s mainstream enough to garner enough votes). It will also almost certainly win Best Adapted Screenplay. (My early screenplay support was for Wake Up Dead Man, but that was not to be.)

      Ryan Coogler will walk home with an Oscar, though, as he is a lock for Best Original Screenplay.

      I am hoping Michael B. Jordan will win Best Actor, but it could be a close call. Marty Supreme (which I disliked on so many levels) only exists to get Timothee Chalamet an Oscar, and he has campaigned his ass off (showing himself to be an entitled frat boy at heart in the process). I might have gone for Ethan Hawke in an astounding performance in Blue Moon, but my support goes to Jordan, who also gave an astounding pair of performances, just to beat Timmy.

      Jessie Buckley is one of the surest things on the ballot for Best Actress. I don’t think Hamnet stands a chance for anything else. A surprising number of people actively disliked it, and the studio made it *very hard* for voters to see the movie.

      I found Sean Penn’s performance over the top and a bit ridiculous. My support went to Jacob Elordi, though I’d be very happy for Delroy Lindo to get a “career achievement” win. But I think Penn will win.

      Amy Madigan seems to have the momentum for Best Supporting Actress, but I wouldn’t count out Teyana Taylor.

      KPop Demon Hunters will rightfully win Best Animated (I was surprised at how much I loved it), and “Golden” will win Best Song. Frankenstein is likely to win the various design awards, Avatar is likely to win effects, F1 is likely to win sound. Sentimental Value will probably win International, but Secret Agent has a lot of fans…

      Voting is a bit different this year, as everyone is required to see every movie in the categories they vote for (that was a requirement for some categories but not others in the past), so some people are just skipping whole categories. But I’m hearing pretty much the same voting patterns from everyone. It’s a year where all those short films are going to be the deciding factors in everyone’s parties and office voting pools.

      I will be comfortably at home in my grubbies playing our usual drinking game: toasting whenever someone thanks their mom or the movie’s writer. And texting catty — I mean, “witty” — remarks to people all over town about various outfits and who got left out of the In Memoriam.

      Enjoy the show, everyone!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Pretty good calls. I was torn between “I Lied to You” and “Golden.” Amy Madigan was a delight in Weapons and I’m glad for her. Horror did pretty well tonight! <3

        I'm disappointed for Delroy and Jacob both (I wish there was a tie there!), but Jacob is young, and if he's doing Oscar-level work now, he's got plenty of chances if he keeps it up. <3

        I was very gratified to see Timmy Tim get slammed so many times by ballet jokes and Misty Copeland dancing right in his face.

  12. Bathyphysa Conifera*

    What are you watching, and would you recommend it?

    Finished Season 3 of The Night Agent, and while midseason my spouse and I had evolved a running joke about how often the main character baselessly assures someone it will be fine, this really stuck the landing. In the penultimate episode I shouted helpful advice to a character on screen which he then took, and from there on people were acting (or deciding not to act) in a way that truly made sense, as all the threads came together.

      1. Bathyphysa Conifera*

        I loved that one. Very human scaled. The scene with the parents at the concert sticks with me.

    2. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      Berlin Station. Action spy show. First season is 10 episodes and each one has been fantastic. It’s set in the CIA station in Berlin. There is a mole leaking secrets and they are trying to find out who it is, while also all of their regular stuff is going on. I have no complaints about any of it, which is unusual. There are strong women, older women, the gratuitous nudity is mostly men (!), the characters are believable, the acting is good, the twists have been genuinely surprising. I’m on the edge of my seat.

    3. Rum Do*

      Not a great week for TV on my couch…

      Checked out a few episodes of Lost in Space remake, and it’s fine but I’m not motivated to continue. I like the family well enough, but the villain is annoying.

      Watched How To Get To Heaven From Belfast and it was…? Amusing and compelling in places but hard to follow and not sure they nailed the landing. Best for those who like quirky-weird and mysterious.

      But still enjoying my rewatch of Better Off Ted, which I had to buy because no one is streaming it :(

      1. fallingleavesofnovember*

        My husband and I have one last episode of How To Get To Heaven From Belfast! We’ve been really enjoying it and are definitely curious to see how it all gets wrapped up.

      2. Percy Weasley*

        OMG, thanks for the reminder about Better Off Ted! I just went to Fandango to buy season 1.

        I have mixed feelings about How to Get to Heaven … I feel like it didn’t live up to its potential.

    5. BellStell*

      Not watching yet but Sunday there is due to be a big Firefly announcement of some sort. So excited!

      2. BellStell*

        I am so disappointed. The Firefly announcement is an animated series AND …. a gofundme. 2026 is full of not great news. This makes me sad.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Still enjoying “The Pitt” very much, despite feeling very worried about some of the characters and the stress they’re under.

      The second season of the live-action “One Piece” mini-series just dropped on Netflix, and I’m really looking forward to that!

      And the Milan/Cortina Paralympic Games are wrapping up; this morning I’m watching some of the skiing events.

    7. Helvetica*

      I finally watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and really enjoyed it. Mostly, I enjoyed how it assumed that the viewer is smart enough to figure out the jumbled timeline, and how the story evolves. There’s a beautiful sadness to the idea of erasing painful memories and the realisation of what is actually lost when that could be done.

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      Almost done with Young Sherlock on Prime, which I’m really enjoying! Not only is the acting, music and direction fun, but the mystery is really well constructed. (I especially love Colin Firth hurrumphing around oh-so-Britishly as Sir Bucephalus Hodge.)

      Still loving All Creatures, although it’s making me cry a lot more than I anticipated and I end up with headaches, so I need breaks (but Tricki Woo is always on standby for me to vicariously snuggle and croon over.)

      The latest Murdoch Mysteries season is finally up too, hooray! Hopefully tons more Ruth this time around, I adore her.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Ruth is someone who has never in her life struggled with imposter syndrome. I would not have any to have to deal with her on a daily basis, but she is so much fun to watch.

        Murdoch Mysteries is a show that does such a great job with the female characters.

    9. Mobie's Mom*

      We checked out the new Matlock, with Kathy Bates, this week and are enjoying it. I think we are 4 or 5 episodes in, asms while I still have questions, I’m starting to see things coming together.

    10. Flames on the Side of My Face*

      I finally watched Broadchurch. Season 1 blew me away. Season 2 did not–I quit after two episodes. But season 1 was worth it as a standalone.

    11. Cat Mom*

      Doing a re-watch of AMC’s Interview With the Vampire before the new season in June. I’m obsessed with this show.

    12. Jackalope*

      We just watched a fun documentary, Inside the Mind of a Cat. It has a lot of fun info about cats, interviews with people who study or work closely with cats, and a ton of footage of cats doing fun things. As a person who has been (unofficially) studying cats my whole life, there weren’t a lot of new facts, but it was fun and we had a good time with it. Including having all of our cats come in and watch it with fascination. One in particular enjoyed the fact that one of the cats on screen shared her name!

    13. I take tea*

      We just finished Midnight Mass and I really enjoyed it. It raised a lot of good points about wish fulfilment and consequences of them and I enjoyed the characters and the concept. A different take on the lore, for sure.

    14. Workerbee*

      Young Sherlock – love!! I am a lifelong ACD fan and of the various adaptations (Granada ❤️❤️) and this alternate take on it is fascinating.

      Starfleet Academy — also love!! Some of those eps pack powerful emotions, and it’s so refreshing to have this great focus on characters. Pay zero attention to the bots and people scared of doing the work to make a better world that are giving it low ratings.

  13. Lolan*

    Inspired by one of the questions this week – what do you see as a marker of the “class” people are in? One example for me – can you afford to pay someone to clean your toilets? If you are paying someone to do this every day, you are probably living an “upper class” life. If you are mostly cleaning your own, maybe occasionally getting them cleaned for you- middle class. If paying someone to clean your toilet is nowhere near what you could afford or you are being paid to clean other people’s toilets, you are probably at the lower end of middle class or “lower class” (although I really hate the phrase lower class). If no one you know cleans their toilet (not because it is getting cleaned by someone else, it is not being cleaned) and you were never taught to do so, you are probably profoundly underprivileged/grew up in dysfunction.

    Feel free to disagree with me about toilet cleaning as a surrogate measure! i do not think cleaning toilets says anything about who you are and am merely talking about what you can afford, so please don’t be offended. I personally clean the toilet at my work (although it is not my main duty) and sometimes pay a cleaner in my home. Tell me what you see as a class marker, maybe it’s paying for childcare or being able to travel?

    This assumes that class is mostly about money, not about social standing and privilege (which are also class markers but probably shouldn’t be)

    1. Busy Middle Manager*

      As a guy, I’ll keep my answer simple. The handshake

      IT comes up from time to time, and I had an awkward moment again getting it wrong
      I grew up in an area that became rich around us and half my family is working class, while the other is more upper middle.

      The working class guys grab your hand in vertical position and slap hug you with the other

      Upper middle class is the standard handshake with less movement, standing further apart

      It can make you look weak or “fancy” if you do the latter in an environment of people doing the former

      You also turn up the NJ accent around working class dudes and turn it down in other environments. (but frankly I like that accent 100% of the time now since it’s getting rarer!)

      1. Irish Teacher.*

        This is off-topic but for some reason, I always assumed you were a woman. I have no idea why.

        1. Busy Middle Manager*

          I leave a lot out of my comments and ask about a lot of stuff that is pretty neutral so can see how this comes across this way LOL

      2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Lol, I am also originally from New Jersey and do find myself unintentionally leaning in more to a strong Jersey accent when I am around folks who are more working class than I am, like it’s a secret signal somehow saying, “I’m okay.”

    2. RussianInTexas*

      Technically we can afford a cleaner, possibly every two weeks, but don’t.
      For me, from the personal life experience, is to go to a grocery store, and just buy what you want. Nothing particularly extravagant, but if I want to buy say, salmon for tomorrow’s dinner, I will just do so. This hasn’t always been the case.
      It also gets tricky when you go income vs spending. For example, stepdaughter and husband both work, and together make more money than her father and I. They also have three young children (one still in daycare), two large car notes, a very large mortgage for a very large house (which I admit judging them for, it was not a necessity in our area), so on paper they do ok. Except last month that couldn’t come up with $400 for her next degree tuition. Are they upper class? Middle class?

        1. RussianInTexas*

          To me, yes. Meaning I am not living paycheck to paycheck, and don’t need to remember the exact prices of the things I buy.

            1. goddessoftransitory*

              Us too. We don’t go for caviar or standing rib roasts, but we can afford good fo0d and having, say, the salad greens go off won’t destroy our budget.

              1. Charlotte Lucas*

                This!

                I grew up working class, but my dad was in a well-paid skilled trade. My mom taught us to budget, but my parents didn’t compromise on certain things. It was definitely a “get your money’s worth but know good repair people” kind of household. When my parents bought a new instead of used car for the first time, it was a Big Deal. (Last year’s model, we didn’t go crazy.)

                On the other hand, we went out to eat regularly, which was possible in area I grew up in.

            2. Asloan*

              I look, and there’s things I don’t buy because I don’t think they’re a good value, but realistically at this stage in my life I can probably afford to buy whatever I want in a grocery store without a significant impact in my life, except maybe cutting back on eating out that week which would be a good thing. This was very much not always the case. During my salad days (not literal salad) I tried to get out of the grocery depot for under $20. It was a lot of beans and dried rice.

        2. BellStell*

          Same and tes to what RussianinTexas said. I grew up lower class poor then by high school was solid middle. By the time my dad retired in the 80s and I started working I was middle class as I could plan for and buy what I needed for food without worry. I am now still middle class but have never had a cleaner and clean my toilet twice a week myself and live alone.

        3. allathian*

          Yes, I’d say so. We don’t have particularly extravagant tastes, so for consumables this is definitely true.

          Cars are definitely class markers, because the vast majority of cars are such poor investments that they lose 10 percent of their value when you drive them out of the showroom. For me the ability to buy a brand new car (as opposed to a new to you used car) is an upper middle class marker, even if the car isn’t a premium brand.

          1. A Reader*

            Read The Everyday Millionaire and you’ll find that most millionaires in that study bought 2-3 year old used Toyota sedans, Lexus SUVs, or Ford trucks! A millionaire is also determined by a net worth calculation, not a million-dollar income.

          2. RussianInTexas*

            I bought a brand new car 4 year ago and don’t consider myself an upper middle class at all. It’s was a small sedan of a non premium brand, and I expect to keep it as long as it lives.

            1. Charlotte Lucas*

              I bought a new car in 2011. At that time, there weren’t a lot of used cars to choose from, and they were almost as expensive as the new cars.

              1. RussianInTexas*

                That was a big issue in 2021-2022 as well. And most dealerships either added “we have a car here” fees or you had to place a deposit and wait, for the basic common cars.

            2. ThatGirl*

              Yeah, we bought our last two cars new, and we’re definitely not upper class – they’re a Toyota and a Chevy.

          3. Seraphina*

            That doesn’t account for whether they are paying for that brand-new car in cash or taking on a huge monthly car payment, due to a small down-payment…

            1. allathian*

              That’s true. I guess I mean that being able to buy a new car without going into debt to do it is an upper class marker.

              The only new car my parents ever bought was a Volvo 240 estate. The only reason they could afford it was because we went abroad for a year so they got it without paying car tax. When they sold it ten years later, they nearly got their money back.

              1. David*

                Huh, I wouldn’t think being able to buy a new car without going into debt puts one anywhere near upper class. I mean, upper class people are rich. (At least according to my intuitive impression of what “upper class” means.) Like, being able to buy a house without going into debt kind of rich, or somewhere around there.

                1. allathian*

                  Upper middle, maybe, then. None of my family and friends who’re close enough for me to have any idea about their finances would be able to buy a brand new car for cash without having to dip into their savings. Technically I suppose we could buy a new car with our savings ourselves, but we’d rather prioritize other things, like retirement savings. Cars are expensive here thanks to the car tax. The cheapest entry-level new car costs almost 20k euros, I’d rather spend that sort of money on a 3 year old mid-range car.

                  I think someone who can walk into a showroom and order a new premium car for 150k *without going into debt or dipping into their savings* as quite comfortably upper middle class, yes.

                  Most of my friends are solidly middle class, and so are we.

          4. Asloan*

            Yeah haha I would never buy a new car, that extra cost is unthinkable to me. I’m definitely in the “reliable used small sedan” income bracket. But I’m glad I can repair my car when I have to without it being a crisis. I consider myself lower middle class but my needs are met and I’m grateful.

          5. Goldfeesh*

            Even having the argument that a brand new car doesn’t make you rich is sort of telling of how well off a person is even if they think they aren’t or are claiming they aren’t.

        4. fallingleavesofnovember*

          I agree with the “buying whatever you want at the grocery store” as a marker of middle class. My Mum spends so much time and mental energy into using coupons, looking for sales, and driving to the stores with the best discounts and my husband I…just don’t have to do that. We’ve noticed groceries are more expensive than they used to be, but we haven’t really had to change what or where we buy things. And probably being able to choose more local, sustainable, or “quality” food or other consumer products on a regular basis is veering toward upper middle (which is where I think my husband and I would fall).

          1. Anima*

            I just drove myself to the big supermarket in a car (!) and bought whatever I wanted. Not my car, sure, carsharing, but still. I haven’t had access to a car for the first 10 years after graduating high school and budgeting for groceries was a thing. I’m definitely middle class now.

          2. goddessoftransitory*

            I could never get my head around going to different stores for bargains, because I don’t drive. I have to walk or take the bus, so hitting three stores and lugging that around is a no-go.

          3. epicdemiologist*

            This rings true for me. I grew up, I guess I’d call it “strained middle class” (both parents were teachers, and some crises in the extended family tightened our finances considerably when I was a teen); dipped down into government cheese territory early in my adult life, and when my own children were teens we finally crossed the line into “don’t have to keep a running total in my head while grocery shopping”).

            That may not last. Grocery prices are getting scary–just in time for our retirement. :-(

        5. RagingADHD*

          Not having a fixed weekly or monthly grocery budget that you have to carefully adhere to in order to keep the lights on and put gas in the car?

          Yes, that’s an economic milestone.

    3. SemiAnon*

      Assumptions about education is one. If the default assumption is that your kid is going to university, you’re probably middle class. If the default assumption is that they’ll finish (maybe) high school and immediately start working, you’re probably lower class. If you’re stressing about whether your kid gets into Stanford or Harvard, you’re upper middle class or well to do. If you’re figuring out how much to donate to Harvard so your kid can get in, you’re wealthy.

      Regarding hiring; if you have household staff, you’re wealthy. If you have a regular housekeeper or a gardener, you’re likely upper middle class or well to do. If you rely on companies like Door Dash, Uber, Task-rabbit etc., you’re middle class and relying on businesses propped up by venture capital. If you do it yourself or do without you’re below middle class.

      There’s also the private nanny -> good day care -> not so good day care or unlicensed in home care -> cobbled together system of friends and family spectrum.

      This, of course, can vary a lot depending on location and circumstances. I can afford to buy salmon when I want to, and sometimes go on international vacations, but will never be able to own a home, but that’s a quirk of the absurd home prices where I live. My mom hires a house cleaner for a couple hours a week, because she’s got bad arthritis and can’t manage the heavy cleaning on her own, but we didn’t have a cleaner when we were growing up.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Do you mean the actual gardener or just the lawn crew? we have the lawn crew, it’s $35/every two week. No way this makes us the upper middle class, this is cheaper than the Internet service.

        1. Jules the First*

          Definitely an actual gardener who is individual and named. Lawn crew is an awesome middle class solution. If you have a named gardener who comes more than once a month and you pay his company, that’s probably upper middle class. Wealthy has a gardener on payroll.

          Same goes for banks – if you are working class, you might be unbanked or switch banks on a regular basis. Middle class has a preferred bank, but may have secondary accounts elsewhere. Upper middle class has a bank, and maybe a bank manager or financial advisor via that bank who offers advice from time to time, perhaps a separate advisor who offers investment advice or financial planning. The wealthy have a banker who knows where their money is and is responsible for putting it places where it makes more money and makes it accessible to them when they want it, and they don’t otherwise think about it unless the banker calls out of the blue (which is universally a very bad sign).

          1. Snoozing not schmoozing*

            I think of myself as working class based on income, but middle class based on other things. That’s what happens if you worked for not-for-profits. Is bank hopping real? The only time my husband and I switched banks was years ago when we were trying to stay with a local one, so we switched a few times to avoid the giant banks, until it became an exercise in futility. We have more than one financial institution, and a handful of accounts. Our son didn’t have to go into debt for college, but he attended a local state university, which kept non-tuition expenses down. We have a banker at one who has been quite helpful when we’ve asked for advice, and he guided us through changing accounts and other intracacies when a fraud risk was discovered. Is that too uppity for our station in life?

            1. State worker*

              I have seen people on an industry forum brag about switching checking accounts on the regular to get introductory bonuses, but it seems less about a financial need than feeling like they are gaming the system to make extra cash. They always claim it’s not a hassle to keep changing their direct deposit, but our payroll system is antiquated and slow and I ended up with a paper warrant when I recently changed my direct deposit. Spending the time and mental energy to flip bank accounts often feels like a privilege to me, but that might be more of a disability thing than a “class” thing.

          2. RussianInTexas*

            I don’t think I have a preferred bank, I have a same credit union for decades, my dad helped me open the account there because it was originally a CU third to his employer. Been with it through thick and thin (having $20 left on the account)
            I do have a high yield savings account in another bank, and a small checking account in a big national which I opened for a trip to Spain a couple of years back, they don’t charge fees on the international transactions.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          And see, I have an individual lawn guy that I know by name, but when I started paying him he was 16 and lived around the corner, and now he’s 19 and still comes home to his folks’ house from college for the summer. He comes roughly every two weeks and I pay him by Zelle because I don’t keep cash on hand.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I had a guy when I was poor as a church mouse. I had to because my shoulder was trashed and I couldn’t mow my own yard anymore. Lucky he was cheap.

            1. Charlotte Lucas*

              When my grandma was alive, she had a regular lawn guy on the South Side of Chicago. She was not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. I think she paid him in a little cash, some baked goods, and appreciation.

              It was not a big lawn.

      2. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I think the child care metric is broader than you have it. Some people (like us) have strong preferences for day care when we could have paid for a nanny. I work with a woman in her first professional job who is scrimping to pay for a nanny to avoid day care. Agree about the paid professional care vs cobbled-together friends and family dichotomy.

        Replacing things that break without thinking about it is one for me. My FIL grew up with less than enough and my MIL grew up in poverty. By the time I met her, they were living a solidly middle-class to upper-middle-class life; their spending habits never quite caught up. Her Christmas list that year included a new saucepan because the handle had broken on one of hers in September. She would not go out and buy herself a new saucepan.

        1. Former Local*

          I feel this. We could probably afford a nanny but I personally think being around other kids all day is hugely valuable.

          1. Jay (no, the other one)*

            That, and I didn’t want someone in my house all the time, and I was fine taking off work if my kid was sick but didn’t want to take off work if the nanny was sick.

        2. Irish Teacher.*

          Yeah, a lot of my colleagues have childcare cobbled together with friends and family, not because they can’t afford daycare but because they would rather their child be cared for by family members they trust or just because of the sheer difficulty of finding places in daycares.

    4. franca my dear*

      I’m interested where you came up with this: “If no one you know cleans their toilet (not because it is getting cleaned by someone else, it is not being cleaned) and you were never taught to do so, you are probably profoundly underprivileged/grew up in dysfunction.”

      Definitely I would agree with ‘dysfunction,’ because that can happen to anyone, but I find the ‘underprivileged,’ if you mean ‘poor,’ a very unfair marker to use. The people I’ve known who never clean their toilets have generally been undergrad or 20-something guys (maybe it’s women, too) who were brought up not having to do any housecleaning chores at home, so they never thought about it. They were usually solidly middle-class or higher in their life situation.

      Or maybe they just don’t care. Was just at a party recently where toilet of the very middle-class couple who both work in IT, both in their 30s, had skid marks galore, and they obviously weren’t concerned about that impression on their guests.

      I’m more in agreement with the other commenters who are talking about when you can afford to buy without thinking, etc., as a mark of comfortable income level/ ‘class’. If you can can about the latest fashion trends. If you can take an annual family holiday. If you can afford to buy your kids the instruments to be in band.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Groups of young guys rooming together=Ungodly abomination bathrooms, for sure.

        We used to go over to a friend’s house for a weekly TV watch, and their bathroom was a horror show. That toilet…*shudder.*

        They were fully employed guys who all grew up middle class. They just did. not. clean.

      1. Girasol*

        Me too! Doing for myself is a big part of how I got here. I can afford a help now but I still do my own cleaning and landscaping.

    6. Irish Teacher.*

      I wouldn’t think of class as being particularly related to money. There is overlap, but…I’d say, at least in Ireland, it basically comes down to education. If you have a degree or higher and are working in a role that requires college education, you are middle class. If you are in a trade, you are lower-middle class. If you went straight into the workforce from school, you are working class. Upper-class implies living off family money and probably never had to work.

      It’s not exactly a 1-1 correspondance…and I’m not sure the traditional class structure really applies to a republic anyway, since it’s based on upper-class being aristocracy, but that’s really the closest I can come to.

      I like Semi-Anon’s comment, though in Ireland, I would tweak the upper-class one, since we don’t have the same division among universities. I guess you could say if you are determined your kid will go to Trinity, you might be upper-class, but…that really only applies to certain areas of Dublin, plus many middle class people go to Trinity.

      For Ireland, I’d say if you expect your child to go to college (before they are born or when they are very young and you don’t yet know their academic ability), you are probably middle class or maybe upper-working class. If you expect your children to go into trades or straight to work (again before you know their interests or ability), you are probably working class. If you either don’t really care or expect them to study for the fun of it because, either way, they will get a nepotism position in your business or nobody in your family has worked for generations; you just live off investments or rent from your properties, then you might be upper-class.

      If we are talking income, I’d say rich is when you don’t really have to worry about money and things like foreign holidays or buying a holiday home doesn’t even require saving up. Middle class is when you save or borrow for luxuries, but your day to day expenses are relatively unconcerning. And if things like back to school or paying your bills or rent is a struggling, you are struggling/at risk of poverty

      1. A Brit*

        My household is culturally upper middle class (we go to the ballet at least once a year, listen to radio 3 and 4, almost everyone in the family has a degree, “professional” aka white collar jobs, classical music lessons as children etc), by income working class (in fact we just dropped into relative poverty recently) and in terms of assets middle class (house and car owned outright, retirement savings building, cash savings). It’s always more complicated than just one thing.

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          When I was a grad student, I got a firsthand experience in genteel poverty.

          Really makes you understand Miss Bates a bit more.

        2. Pining For The Fjords*

          See, my parents both grew up in working class families (in my dad’s case also a very poor one) in Scotland, but getting an education, reading a lot for both recreation and learning, listening to classical music and R3 and R4, going to concerts, playing musical instruments – these were all really valued and important to both families even though the people involved worked in a trade, a factory or took in laundry to make ends meet. My grandpa should have been able to finish secondary school but his family needed him to leave school to work so that’s what happened – it didn’t stop him being well-read and self-educated. My working class MiL is an absolute opera buff after being taken to performances at school and falling in love with it. It wasn’t a social climbing thing, it was because these cultural things were valuable in their own right, and “we” had just as much a right to access them as anyone else. And obviously they were made available to them in the communities they lived in. There’s a strong tradition of trades unions here for instance encouraging and funding education and cultural activities.

          Because of this background I don’t really think of those things as upper middle class – though I’m very aware that some people want to gatekeep them (I don’t mean you! :) Look at the ridiculousness over Angela Rayner going to Glyndebourne, like it wasn’t supposed to be for the likes of her).

          Because of all this education though, I grew up lower middle class (both parents became teachers) and that’s where I would put myself now.

    7. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      Living in the US, I go with Miss Manners 1.0’s observation that almost everyone identifies as middle class. Even if they toss in some “I’m really in the lower upper middle class” middle is in there.

      To go with your toilet cleaning: There are people who could afford a daily cleaner, but don’t choose to pay for it. There are people who move into paying for it because they are paying for extensive nursing care. When you stay at a hotel, a person is paid to daily clean your toilet. So we’re moving in and out of the upper, middle, and lower class based on actions rather than money.

      Janitors and garbage men are often well paid union jobs, so again it’s the action (cleaning up after others) rather than the money earned doing that.

    8. State worker*

      Pew has a middle class income calculator. According to the calculator, my income is middle class, but I make nearly 40% below the median housing wage for my area. For that measure, my income is considered “very low.” Home ownership is in large part the definition of the middle class “American Dream.” I own a mobile home which is generally associated with low income and class/race epithets. Class can’t always be tied directly to income. Education and occupation play a part as well. There are some, usually unionized, jobs that would be considered working class yet have strong incomes, and educated professionals who make a sub-living wage.

    9. Seraphina*

      For me, it’s telling what people think is expensive for a restaurant meal.

      Lately, I’ve seen people complain that fast food is expensive. I concede that it’s much more expensive than it used to be, but I would never call it expensive. I never eat fast food anymore unless I am desperately hungry in an airport or on a road trip.

      My partner and I eat out less frequently (once a week at the maximum, usually more like twice a month), but when we do, we easily spend $150-$200 on a nice meal without blinking. I’ve more than doubled my income in the past 5 years, but I still consider myself frugal. It’s quality over quantity for me. In most of my life, if it still works, fits, or functions well enough, it doesn’t need to be replaced – my furniture doesn’t match, and I will wear holey leggings around the house. And, I’m debt free.

      I’m a foodie, what can I say? Spend on the things that bring you joy.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        We now dine out that way, too. Good food and drink are important to us and we are willing to pay for them (and contrary to the assertion above, we tip very well). It helps that fine dining restaurants are much better at dealing with my husband’s somewhat unusual dairy allergy (milk protein, so butter is fine but nothing else) both in that they understand it and are capable of adapting to it rather than putting most of the menu off limits to him with a shrug.

        I grew up with more than enough and have been lucky to stay in that category. I grew up in an economic bubble where everyone’s income was above average (or they wanted to pretend it was) and was in my mid-20s before I fully grasped the degree of my economic privilege. We deliberately raised our daughter in a much more economically diverse community because we wanted her to be aware – not so she could perform gratitude but so she could make values-based decisions about how she used money and other resources.

    10. Everything Beagle*

      I pay someone to clean my toilets. I have since I was middle class and now I guess I’m upper class.
      It’s a priority for me because I’m married to someone with ADHD and my kids both have it. I have a full time job at an executive level and do every other bit of house work, yard work & and cooking. If I’d had to clean the toilets and the floors for the past 25 years, I would either be filled with resentment or divorced.
      Financially things are tight for us now and we have prioritized having a wonderful house keeper come every two weeks to clean the bathrooms, vacuum or wash the floors. I pay her well-have given her raises without her asking.
      During covid I did these things and still paid her, for a year. My husband just won’t help in a meaningful way.
      Divorce is a sure way to take you from upper class to middle class.

      These distinctions are interesting for what it’s worth, we haven’t been able to afford a vacation for years. But technically we are still top 10% of incomes combined. I do pay the house keeper $200 every two weeks. We are in a high cost of living area with two teens with drivers licenses and we help my folks out financially too.

      1. Everything Beagle*

        I wish I could edit to say that my husband has adhd and refuses to manage it in regard to household chores. Before we had a housekeeper, I was never able to get him to do his fair share. Counseling didn’t get us there. I had to find another solution.

        I realize many people with adhd will clean a toilet or put the laundry away. I just can’t spend my life feeling resentful, nagging or being disappointed

    11. Canonical23*

      For me, it’s more about “could you pay for a big emergency cost – and if you can, are your finances screwed and for how long?” And that’s my measure because there are several people in my family who definitely live lower-middle-class lifestyles in terms of things like grocery purchasing, buying used vehicles and driving them until they’re fully dead, not hiring outside help for anything, etc. But if they had a thousands-of-dollars-cost (medical bill, house repair, something like that), they’d be able to pay for it out of pocket and it would likely not cause a dent in their savings at all.

      1. State worker*

        Yeah, there are a lot of people who have high incomes but are “cash poor.” People with unexpected wealth often have it because they are so frugal they are able to save that money.

    12. Chauncy Gardener*

      Smoking is for sure lower class, at least where I am. Vaping is the same, except for high school kids.

    13. Chaordic One*

      I just want to mention the book, “Class: A Guide to the American Class System,” by Paul Fussell (1983). The late Mr. Fussell was a keen observer of the human condition and had some wry observations. It was a fun (and educational) read and holds up very well in spite of being written more than 40 years ago.

      1. Spiral bound*

        I was hoping someone would mention this book! Worth reading, especially if you’re willing to translate its examples (and some of its worldviews) to the present day.

        He also showed how things are more complicated than just “higher class = more freedom”.

    14. Bumble the Bee*

      Vacations are a signal I tend to spot. If any day off work is spent either frantically catching up on the rest of life or trying to rest from the exhaustion of work, they’re working class. If someone mostly vacations by driving to visit family, they are lower middleclass. If they can swing a few day vacation where they fly to get there and stay in an actual hotel, they’re middle middleclass. If they can afford annual trips out of the country (inc Hawaii) or own a timeshare, they’re upper middle class. If they own a vacation home, they’re upper class. If they have multiple vacation homes and/or condos in various cities, they are wealthy.

    15. Absolute Blueberry*

      For me, it’s purchases that require time wasting, meaning you either have career flexibility or you can hire out the effort. It’s not about the one-time cost of the item, but instead about the ongoing neediness of the item. For example:

      A pool or hot tub. Tons of maintenance and upkeep, especially in my semi-rural area with lots of leaves.

      Certain unreliable sports cars. You know when you buy them that they’ll be in the shop a lot, but the driving experience is worth it to you. You don’t have to worry about being stranded on the highway, missing a shift, and losing your job.

      Elaborate landscaping. Ornamental trees or hedge rows that need constant clipping, climbing roses/vines that need training and nutritional supplementation, fragile non-natives that need babying, and so on.

    16. Capybara Lambada*

      Growing up with hippies a lot of these markers go out the window. No need to pay a cleaner when you have an outhouse! But interests, experiences, education, and choices available still give away people’s class of origin.

      As do their shoes. Want to know someone’s class? Look at their shoes.

      1. Jamie Starr*

        OMG, yes, the shoes! I’ve had this theory for years. I figured it out from people on the subway giving their spiel about how they’re homeless, just lost their job, etc. etc. I *always* look at their shoes. If they’re wearing new fancy sneakers, the shoes are clean, fit properly, etc. I’m skeptical of their sob story. But if they are wearing shoes that are the wrong size, super dirty, the wrong type of shoes for the weather (e.g. flimsy, thin shoes in deep winter), or you can see their cracked feet through them anywhere I’m like “yes, this person is probably telling the truth.

        I agree with the others who have said things like if you can buy whatever you want at the store (grocery, clothing) without worrying about price you are probably middle class economically. But as others have pointed out there’s social class, too, which I think is tied to education and upbringing. There’s that saying “money doesn’t buy class” and that’s true, in my opinion. I mean just look at the current US President. I would describe him as 100% low class, but not in the monetary sense.

        1. Irish Teacher.*

          I think the term “money doesn’t buy class” can be problematic though, as it implies that “class” has…well, some kind of moral value and it is often used to imply that…people should sort of stay in their boxes. I know you aren’t using it that was as it’s not like Trump grew up poor, but often, “money doesn’t buy class,” implies “you’ll always know those who ew, had to work for their money. Only those who were born into it really count as worth knowing.”

          1. Spiral bound*

            Which also makes me think of people who try to pass as members of a “lower” class — the dynamic at work when pundits ask “would you want to have a beer with [this political candidate]?” They’re using “could fit in at a family barbecue” as a proxy for “understands and will work for the working class.” See George Bush sr.’s attempts to shake the taint of Connecticut wealth.

    17. WestsideStory*

      Markers can be regional. I used to travel between costs quite regularly, and observed:

      In San Franciso Bay Area, the marker was whether you owned your home or rented. Period.

      In LA, the marker was always the car. Especially if you were in entertainment. I once knew a second unit camera guy who, on hard times, lived and slept in his BMW so he could drive to the lot and not be looked down upon.

      In New York, the marker is clothing – shoes and handbags specifically. Everyone, including the receptionist at your dentist’s office, knows what your shoes cost retail. I am always amused at my neighbor (4th floor of a 5th floor walkup) who lives addicted to Rent The Runway.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        Where I am, the greater Houston area, like in all large cities, it’s absolutely where you live. Specifically if you live in specific areas AND you own a house there.

      2. Jamie Starr*

        In New York, where do you go to the beach? The Hamptons, Rhode Island, Jersey Shore, or the Rockaways. ha.

      3. Asloan*

        I always think it’s funny to hear this as I live in an expensive city but certainly wouldn’t know or notice the brand of anyone’s shoes/purse. It’s strange to me to imagine all the snooty people walking around I guess clocking my cheap shoes and having Thoughts about them lol. Or waving their expensive purse or jewelry under my nose assuming I’ll register they’re a Big Deal. I could afford better I suppose but I just don’t care that much as long as they’re comfortable. Literally would never recognize anyone else’s brand.

    18. Invested*

      I think whether someone has money in the stock market has become a marker of the middle class. The Vanguard revolution made investing more accessible to regular people. Having an IRA or 401k not only indicates having extra money to put away, but also the knowledge/education on where and how to invest.

      1. Asloan*

        Having your own “money person” is definitely a signifier. Most of my friends are in the market only though their 401K if at all. They’re not doing any personal investing (in fact they’re in credit card / student loan debt). But they probably all have 401Ks or IRAs so we’re still middle class.

    19. David*

      Really interesting question! I have been enjoying learning from the responses, even though I personally think the whole idea of “class” is kind of silly (except in the context of macroeconomics) because to me “class” carries connotations of how good of a person you are, and that has little to do with how much money you have.

      Anyway… ignoring any statistics or formal definitions, if I had to invent meanings for economic classes based on what I intuitively consider them to be, it’d probably go something like this:

      – Lower (economic) class people live paycheck-to-paycheck or have to worry about whether they have enough money to cover basic living expenses: shelter, food, transportation to/from work. This includes people who have to go into debt to cover basic living expenses.
      – Lower middle (economic) class people are able to regularly cover basic living expenses (though they still have to budget carefully), and might be able to maintain at least a minimal emergency fund, afford occasional non-essential items, and perhaps save up a little for “the future”, although without any realistic target for what that future money might be spent on.
      – Middle (economic) class people are able to cover living expenses, maintain a solid emergency fund, and have enough extra money to invest and/or save up for specific spending goals like a car, a house, kids’ college education, annual family vacations, or so on. They can typically go shopping for inexpensive items like groceries without having to stick to a strict budget or think too closely about what they’re spending, and regularly have a bit of disposable income to spend on non-essentials like an occasional trip to a nice restaurant.
      – Upper middle (economic) class people can cover expenses and freely spend money on non-essential items like restaurant meals, travel, or hobbies without thinking too much about it. They are likely to be more concerned about budgeting their time than budgeting their money, and thus will choose to spend money on conveniences to save time. I think I would agree that people who occasionally pay someone to clean their toilets typically fall in this category.
      – Upper (economic) class people have enough money to buy pretty much anything they need without thinking about whether they can afford it. Like, they can buy a house without having to take out a mortgage. (Not necessarily a fancy house, but at least a normal house in their neighborhood.)
      – I’m not sure what to call it, but I suspect there’s another threshold within upper class where people start to have enough money to insulate them from their problems. This is the stage where people stop even being aware of how their toilets get cleaned because they’ve never really noticed the toilets not being clean. This probably corresponds to being rich enough that they have a personal assistant or concierge who gets to solve all those problems for them.

    20. Alex*

      Class is so complicated. It’s partially about money, but also there’s another piece. Class determines what you value, how you view the world, etc., and that can be pretty rigid. But incomes can go up or down in an instant.

    21. Meraki*

      I’m gobsmacked that I’m the only commenter so far that has gotten major ick over the undisguised privilege this post represents. Wow.

      1. Lolan*

        I’m sorry to have given you the ick, Meraki. I thought the question posted this week about living a “middle class life” on one salary was interesting and wanted to see what other people thought class markers were. Wealth is privileged in my opinion, so a discussion on economic class was always going to reflect privilege. Would explicit acknowledgement of the fact that having money to do anything is a privilege have made this discussion less offensive, or do you think the topic itself should not have been raised?

    22. urban teacher*

      I have a horse. That should put me in upper class but he is an OTTB and I board in a middle of the road stable. I don’t show rated or at all. I am in Pony Club. I also am a special education teacher and all my extra money goes to him. I do track what I buy at the grocery store because of him. I would say I’m middle class.

  14. HannahS*

    Baby names! I’m curious what your favourite boy names are, why (if you want to share,) whether or not you used them for your children/pets/plants…etc.

    I’m a big fan of Moses–for some reason, it’s not used that widely in English-speaking Jewish communities. Actually, most of the names I really like are in Hebrew or Yiddish and the English pronunciations irritate me (Natan, Dov, Anshel, etc.) Mr. B was pulling for Kal-El for our pending baby and that was never, ever going to happen.

    1. Dreamingofdaffodils*

      A lot of my favorites were nixed by my husband because he had a relative with the name—and we ended up naming my son the name that two of my cousins have, lol. It doesn’t bother me one bit!

      I also like a lot of the really popular boy names right now (like Theodore, Liam, and Henry) but I didn’t want a top 5 name. So we settled on something classic, not currently popular, but very familiar.

    2. heckofabecca*

      One of the kids next door growing up was a Moshe, and another kid down the block was named Dov!

      I’m used to Moshe, but Moses feels like it’d be an odd name to get used to haha! Kind of like how Jesus (English pronunciation) is Bad but Jesús (Spanish pronunciation) is Totally Fine.

      Honestly, there are SO many names that end in -El that I feel like there’s a way to get something tangentially related in there IF YOU BOTH WANT TO, but. Probably you do not XD

      If I’d been AMAB, I’d’ve been Jesse, which I like for any gender (in English at least). I also really like Zakkai.

      Fun fact: my dad wanted to name my brother Velvel :S

      1. HannahS*

        It’s funny about Moshe–I know a number of them! But no Moses-es. Not sure why it didn’t catch on. I was going to be Nadav if I’d been a boy. It’s a nice name, but I hate the way it sounds in a Canadian/American accent. Velvel is…quite something! Mr. B was a ‘no’ on Zev.

      2. Pam Adams*

        I have at least a few college students named Moses or Moises on my Southern California campus. They’re Hispanic, but I don’t know if they’re Jewish.

        1. Observer*

          t’s funny about Moshe–I know a number of them! But no Moses-es. Not sure why it didn’t catch on.

          My guess is that it’s “too Jewish” / not American enough for the people who want English names. And the people who would actually like Moses would prefer the Hebrew.

      3. Lemonwhirl*

        American, raising a kid in a Gaeltacht with an Irish guy, so our kid was always going to have an Irish name.

        Girl names were easy – we had a list of 4 and our favourite was Aoibheann and I was a little worried about my family getting to grips with the spelling and pronounciation (which honestly seems to vary a bit – our preference was eee-veen).

        Husband vetoed one of my favorites (Tadhg, pronounced like tiger without the R). The name we picked out initially has a slightly different spelling and pronunciation in Irish vs English, and my husband eventually decided he didn’t like the way it sounded in Irish, which was a deal breaker because the kid’s schooling would all be in Irish. We found a compromise that I won’t name here – it was a name we both loved and it travels well.

        So I guess the TLDR is that we picked the name based on cultural preferences and how it sounded. If we’d had a girl, her name would have been more difficult when visiting the US and for her US relatives, but our main consideration was how the name sounded in Irish, so our US relatives would have had to learn a little Irish.

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          Oops meant to nest this on the main question. :) But I guess it’s tangentially related to how names sound in different languages.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I have considered Aoife for a couple of pets now and decided I don’t want to have to explain how to either spell or pronounce it every time I talk to a vet, sigh.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Given the struggle they had pronouncing Angua (an-joo-a, like Angela with a U instead of an L) even after eight years, I both do and don’t want to know how they’d pronounce Aoife (which my autocorrect keeps changing to “Alice”) if they saw it written.

              1. old curmudgeon*

                The next time you talk to the techs at your vet’s office, tell them that it could be worse. You could have chosen to name your cat Ghlaghghee (pronounced Fluffy), the way John Scalzi did. He seemed to find it immensely amusing when people went into glotal spasms attempting to pronounce her name.

        3. HannahS*

          That’s really fair and makes sense. I don’t know very many Irish names, but the impression I’ve gotten is that Anglophones panic at the spelling but the pronunciation (or getting close) is actually not that hard.

    3. old curmudgeon*

      Are you looking for single-syllable or multi-syllable names? My spouse and I have a single-syllable last name, so we looked for multi-syllable first names for our kids. A couple we are friends with have a quite long, multi-syllable last name, so they went for very short, one-syllable first names for their kids.

      Do you want a name that’s easy to turn into a nickname, or do you really want your child to use the full name you give them at birth? My parents HATED the idea of nicknames, so they focused primarily on finding names for me and my sibling that were difficult to shorten or elide.

      Do you and your spouse feel strongly about recognizing your shared heritage in choosing your child’s name? Our granddaughter has Irish, Dutch, English and Japanese ancestors, and her parents gave her a Japanese first name and an Irish middle name to acknowledge the cultures in her ancestry.

      Also, I know at least two couples who had names all picked out before their babies were born, and then after the kids arrived, they decided those names were all wrong and wound up choosing completely different names instead. So a name can be a sort of mental place-holder to use until you actually meet the new human on their arrival, and then you can figure out what their real name actually is.

      1. HannahS*

        I’m not looking for a name, actually–baby’s name has been decided! I’m genuinely just curious about what names other people like and why.

        2. old curmudgeon*

          Well, one of our kids (both currently in their 40s) is named for a Welsh witch and the other for a member of the Tuatha Dé Danann, which gives you some idea of how we approached the topic. We like the names because they draw on Celtic myth, which we find more closely aligned to our beliefs than the Judeo-Christian mythos.

    4. Not your typical admin*

      My first was named Brian after his dad. We had picked Bennett Chase as a boy name, but then had 3 girls.

      We tend to like old fashioned names so we have an Annabelle, Maisey, and Lilly Pearl. Annabelle we just liked, and Lilly Pearl is a combination of two of her great grandmothers’ names.

      Maisey has an interesting story. My husband got the name from a book he was reading where the name came from spelling “Yes I Am” backwards. For us, it had a lot of meaning because I had been told it was very unlikely I would have a child, and especially not several healthy pregnancies/children. When we told his grandmother what name we picked out, she told us that was the name of her grandmother. Kind of an interesting turn of events.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If the woofapotamus had been a boy, her name would most likely have been Abraham (as in Lincoln).

      My doggy naming convention seems to be first names with three syllables that start with A and have a specific literary or historical reference, plus one-syllable middle names – Angua Grace, Alannah Jane and Abigail Rose. But they’ve also all been girls.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Almost always, first and middle :) Angua (who was first-named when I adopted her) got hers because she was a bit clumsy and that was the only way she would have any grace to her. (And having gone beyond, she is now the other two’s “Guardian Angua” with a cockeyed halo hanging askew over one ear.) With Alannah, Jane just sort of flowed out, and for Abigail, her baby collar and therefore her other accessories were all red so Rose seemed reasonable. She also likes plants and during the summer regularly comes in from the yard with a sprig of leafs tucked into her collar :)

    6. RussianInTexas*

      I really like both my dad’s name – Stanislav, and his father’s – Wilhelm Moshe. Also like Alexander, Sasha as a nick name.
      As far as “American” names, I like the common ones, like Michael, Luke, Liam (but not Bill).
      We just got a new kitten, didn’t know the sex, and the chosen name was Misha for a boy, Mischa for a girl.

      1. HannahS*

        Sasha is so cute. I usually hear it as a girl’s name in Canada, but I like it for a little boy. Sander/Sender used to be relatively common in Jewish communities as short forms of Alexander.

        1. Arrietty*

          Sandy is a popular nickname for Alexander in Scotland. Alexander is a very versatile name.

        2. RussianInTexas*

          Sasha is the nickname for both Alexander and Alexandra in Russian, which is why the actress’s name Sasha Alexander amuses me.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      We did not end up having a boy, which was convenient because spouse’s favorite boy names were names of either my living relatives so no-go, or the name of a deceased relative who I had a very very very bad relationship and would never name my kid after. So we avoided an impasse.

    8. Absolute Blueberry*

      I love names that can’t be easily shortened or nicknamed. Noah, for example.

      We’re CF but our last three male cats were/are Dean, Leo, and Finn.

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      My favorite boy names that got nixed by my husband were Jasper, Felix, Benedict, and Wendell. It seemed like every name I liked had some negative connection for him. The name we ultimately went with for our son was nigh unimpeachable… up until the year after we chose it.
      I found naming boys much harder than naming girls. I felt very strongly about girl names and rather lukewarm about boy names.

      1. No Tribble At All*

        I think boy names are so much harder because there’s not as much of a wide range, typically? And most boys names are so common we have one in our lives already. I’ve worked for three different Christophers in my life :(

        We really struggled picking out a name for our second boy because we’d used all the good boy names on our first! And the name kinda started as a joke but then we liked it! (But it’s also a name in an old TV show we liked, so my mother asked if he was named after that, so ahhhh second thoughts?!)

        Meanwhile, we had about sixteen girl names picked out.

    10. Rho Ophiuchi*

      Watching this thread in the hope of finding names for some of my yet-to-be-named plants…

      1. Middle Aged Lady*

        We use Star Trek characters for pets. If you are a Trekker, you could, too! “Here are my orchids, Uhura, Spock, and Bones.”

      2. goddessoftransitory*

        Our spider plants are Charlotte, Shelob, Phoebe and Li’l Nancy (for Anansi.)

        2. Rho Ophiuchi*

          I actually do have a spider plant to name! Might go with Nancy since I used to work with a Charlotte – thank you for the idea.

    11. franca my dear*

      I am half Croatian and love those strong-sounding names but never had kids, so I blessed my cats with Slavic names: Gavrilo (Gabby), Milo (pronounced Meelo), Luka, and Goran have all lived with me, and Drago is still in the house. But I kept our most recent adoptee’s original name, Auggie, because I just liked it and thought he’d been through enough already. We call him August when we need to be stern and Have A Word:)

      1. HannahS*

        Well yeah, and so is Moshe. But Moses has never really taken off and I’m not sure why–Jacob, Aaron, David, and Joshua are common in their Anglicized forms.

        2. No Tribble At All*

          I feel like I’ve seen a decent number of Moses-es but most of them were African immigrants. Guess that’s just where I live ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    13. Teacher Lady*

      I’ve always liked the names Miles (as in Vorkosigan), Henry, Peter (but not Pete), and David (but not Dave). I cannot explain it, but I’m not a fan of nicknames for a lot of names that are typically given to boys, so I’d probably not have used either Peter or David. (As it is, I decided to not have kids, so picking names for them was a moot point.)

      I do like the flow of different numbers of syllables in the first and last name, particularly if one name is only one syllable, although I myself have a one-syllable last name and use a one-syllable nickname, and I turned out fine.

    14. Helvetica*

      Of the names I could not use because they wouldn’t work in my language, I really like Casimir; not even sure how well it works in English but for some reason I am very drawn to it.
      Oliver is a name I’ved like a long time but at least in my country, it has been one of the more popular, if not the most popular boy name for like 5 years now, so I am discounting it slightly.
      Julius and Julian are ones I like the ring of, especially in English.
      And my niche favourite is Roald – not because of Dahl or Amundsen but for someone I knew a very long time ago.

    15. Seraphina*

      Adrian, Vincent, Viggo (after the actor), Sterling, Julian, Sebastian, Felix. Alexander is a classic (with great nickname potential – Alex, Ali/Ale, Aloo, Xander, Xan)

      I like names that aren’t like top 10 but still not unusual enough for the kid to be made fun of…

    16. goddessoftransitory*

      I’ve always loved Genevieve and Solange. I guess I was French in a past life.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t have children, but for a while, I had Hilary picked out for a girl, and Stephen for a boy until my sibling had a kid named Stephen. I do like the name Adam a lot, and Elizabeth; it’s my middle name and I’ve always preferred it.

      My plants are named Klaus, Will, Hannibal, Luke, Leia, Minerva, Palmer, George, Horace, and Susan and Terrance (they live at Mom’s because I couldn’t fit them in the car when I moved). I had a shrub named Liam, but he caught a fungus and had to be binned. :(

      My car is Oliver — that’s a good boy’s name. If I had a dog or cat, they’d probably have a human name but it would be something fan-based or literary. Or something like Sir Henry Winterbottom III.

    18. Past Lurker*

      I’ve never met an Ian I didn’t like, so it’s one of my favorite names even though it’s not part of my cultural background.

    19. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I always wanted to name a son Jonathan. Then I married a man whose last name is Smith so…no.

      1. Jay (no, the other one)*

        I also nixed one of my favorite girl names because Kate Smith was also a no-go especially since we live in Flyers country.

    21. allathian*

      I’m a Swedish-speaking Finn, and for our son we picked a name that works in both Finnish and Swedish, as well as internationally. It’s not a super-popular name, but neither is it unusual enough to provoke teasing/bullying.

      For girls I like names that aren’t merely feminine versions of male names, like Anne, Ruth, Mary (and all the variants in different languages), and yes, Karen.

        1. allathian*

          Both! I like the Anglo Karen, and the Swedish Karin, but not so much the Norwegian Kari, because it’s also a very popular man’s name in Finland, although the pronunciation’s different.

          One of my friend’s cousins, Kari, married a Norwegian wife, also Kari. But the main reason she kept her last name, even though it’s practically impossible for Finns to pronounce correctly, is because she thinks that two namesakes living at the same address would’ve been weird, or so my friend says. We rarely use middle initials and I’m not sure if she even has a middle name.

    22. CanadaGoose*

      While pregnant and nesting, I got a board book about a sweet dragon named “Finn”. Combined with childhood memories of “Finnigan” being a friendly and good storybook character, the kid was nearly called Finn. I liked that it was short, had positive associations, easy to spell, and didn’t have noticeable rude rhymes. It also seems to fit with my partners ethnic origin (generally, Great Britain, though we’re settled in Canada for the last few generations)

    23. oh wow really anon for this one*

      I like Herald (not HarOld), and Selwyn. Used to joke about Rampant as a good name as well, paired with Herald or not.

  15. Busy Middle Manager*

    Anyone make your own salad dressing? My favorite one is up to $9 for a small bottle, the cheaper ones are all soy bean oil.

    Anyone have a favorite recipe that is not just balsamic + olive oil mixed up?

    1. RussianInTexas*

      I don’t do this often, usually for the winter broccoli and some salad, but it’s tasty:
      Creamy tahini dressing
      ½ cup Tahini
      3 tablespoon Lemon juice
      2 tablespoon Maple syrup
      6 tablespoon Warm water
      ½ teaspoon Salt
      Whisk together until smooth and creamy, add more water if needed.

    2. fallingleavesofnovember*

      I have yet to make it myself, but I was listening to Samin Nosrat (of Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat cookbook/Netflix show fame) talk about a “House Dressing” recipe she said absolutely everyone she knows goes crazy for – seems easy to find online!

    3. Sitting Pretty*

      We used to make fancier dressing in my household but we all got tired and just started using the good seasonings packets. But they’ve gotten wildly expensive! I found a copycat recipe online, mixed up a giant batch of the herbs and spices in the right proportions so it’s on hand, and just portion out what I need with the good olive oil and vinegars (usually half balsamic, half apple cider). Quick, easy, cheap, and yummy

    4. The Unspeakable Queen Lisa*

      I quit buying dressing ages ago. I use a pint mason jar with measuring lines on the side for convenience and then shake it up to emulsify, but you can also use a whisk or hand blender.

      I almost always add a squirt of Dijon mustard to help emuslify it. It’s about a 2/1 ratio oil to acid, then add more of one or the other to your taste. You can use lemon, lime, red wine vinegar, balsamic, cider vinegar, sherry vinegar for your acid. I usually stick to olive oil or a neutral oil like canola/peanut/grapeseed, but various nut oils are also tasty. Salt and pepper and you’re done.

      Can add 1 minced clove garlic (but use within a few days) or a spoon or 2 of mayo or yogurt to make it creamy.

      Homemade dressings are usually a little thinner, so you might use less.

        1. Noriarty*

          I have mine in the fridge for weeks! Sometimes you need to shake the jar a bit when it has separated in the fridge.

          1. Busy Middle Manager*

            Good information. And since you don’t mention it going bad or getting you sick, I guess those don’t happen. How I’ve been brainwashed into thinking I need food with preservatives or it will go bad in a day

    5. AcademiaNut*

      I rarely buy salad dressing, except for caesar and roasted sesame. I usually mix one salad worth at a time in a small bowl.

      Olive oil + (red wine vinegar or lemon juice or balsamic vinegar) + (dijon mustard or anchovy paste). Add some garlic if you want, or some fresh herbs.

      Balsamic vinegar + olive oil + soy sauce. You can add dijon mustard as well, and/or garlic.

      Rice vinegar + grated ginger + soy sauce + sesame oil. Swap grated ginger for wasabi paste for variation

      Olive oil, lemon juice, Japanese spicy yuzu paste.

      Miso paste + olive oil + fresh lemon juice + optionally a bit of fresh garlic. Whisk well. This is particularly good with tomato salad.

      Honey + mustard + olive oil + garlic powder.

      Mayo based: mayonnaise, maybe a bit of lemon juice, then whisk in some combination of mustard, wasabi, finely chopped fresh herbs, fresh garlic, roasted garlic, finely chopped green onions, capers, etc.). Adding ketchup + mustard + garlic powder + finely chopped pickles gets you an approximation of Thousand Island dressing.

      A trick for garlic in dressing; crush a bit of garlic into the bowl, add enough olive oil to coat, and very carefully microwave until it starts to brown. Add lemon juice or vinegar right away to soften the garlic, and then build your dressing on that.

    6. Derivative Poster*

      Google Smitten Kitchen Poolside Sesame Slaw – recipe is flexible and the dressing is versatile.

    7. Not A Manager*

      Look at the recipe in the New York Times Cooking section for the Via Carota salad dressing. It’s amazing. My family calls it “crack dressing.”

      It’s roughly shallot, garlic, smooth dijon, whole grain mustard, honey, thyme, sherry vinegar, olive oil and warm water.

    8. BellStell*

      Yes
      Squeeze a lemon and a lime
      Add teaspoon of dijon mustard
      Add olive oil or oil of choice
      Salt and pepper and add
      Raspberry vinegar
      Shake

    9. Professor Plum*

      I love fresh herbs like basil, dill and parsley blended into plain Greek yogurt. I use an immersion blender in a wide mouth mason jar, so I can blend and store in the same jar. Add a splash of white wine vinegar or lemon juice. Adjust flavor with other spices you like: salt, garlic, ginger, lemongrass. And a touch of sweetener—I usually add stevia. Make as much or as little as you like.

    10. Professor Plum*

      My other go to for salads is making a jar of refrigerator pickled mixed veggies. I use that plus cottage cheese over my greens and don’t need any other dressing.

    11. Girasol*

      I like an Asian-type dressing of olive oil with a dash of sesame oil, soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, and a dash of garlic and ginger.

    13. Middle Aged Lady*

      I do a basic vinaigrette with honey and mustard, but the real game-changer for me was an OXO salad dressing bottle.

    16. Cat Mom*

      I never buy salad dressing. The most basic one I make is evoo, vinegar, mustard, salt. But I’ve amassed a large collection of dressing recipes from cookbooks. Try serious eats dot com for more ideas!

    17. Sad Trombone*

      Love a Peanut Lime dressing.

      I use a smoothie maker for this to get it all blended, but it’s insanely delicious.

      3tbsp natural peanut butter
      1/4 cup neutral oil
      1-2tbsp brown sugar
      Juice of one lime (and zest)
      2tsp soy sauce or tamari
      2 clove garlic (or enough) or 1tsp grated paste
      1tsp grated ginger (or Enough)
      1/2 tsp chili oil or chili flakes (optional)

      I double and triple the recipe all the time. If it is too thick a.) mix with noodles and enjoy or b.) add a smidge of water to thin it out.

      It’s great with a cabbage mix (very hearty) or drizzled on rice bowls. (OG recipe from Budget Bytes.)

    18. Quad*

      Yes! I no longer buy processed salad dressings. So many excellent, healthy, and EASY options.

      Lemon tahini dressing (helps bulk up a winter salad)
      1/3 cup tahini
      1/3 cup water
      1/4 cup lemon juice
      2 cloves minced garlic
      1/2 tsp cumin
      1/4 tsp cayenne
      1/4 tsp salt

      Sunshine dressing (Cookie + Kate’s creamy honey mustard dressing – great for bright salads)
      1/2 cup plain Greek yogurt
      1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
      1/4 cup Dijon mustard
      3 tablespoons honey
      2 tablespoons lemon juice
      2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar or more lemon juice
      1 clove minced garlic
      1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
      10 twists of freshly ground black pepper

  16. Ginger Cat Lady*

    What are your favorite somewhat substantial nonperishable snacks/foods to take on an airplane trip when you have two layovers and no guarantee of time to get a meal at the airport? All I can think of is PB pretzels and I’d like some variety. Don’t love protein bars.

      1. allathian*

        Finn Crisp rye crackers with processed cheese that didn’t require refrigeration were a family trip staple for us when I was a kid!

    2. yeah, also a librarian*

      I take a bento box. String cheese, dried fruit, nuts, chocolate, some kind of energy bar (Lara bars or Trader Joe’s peanut butter oat bars). Something that feels like a special treat is always nice — chocolate-covered almonds, a fancy caramel, whatever gives you a little something to look forward to. I like a mix of salted almonds and dried cherries.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Mine depends on your tolerance for unrefrigerated food. I like substantial snacks. I take cubes of hard cheese, such as aged cheddar or aged havarti, crackers, and sliced salami. Sometimes some chocolate or dried fruit, or olives.

      You can also make your own trail mix if your grocery has any bulk bins. Pop in whatever you like – my favorite is dried fruit, nuts, dark chocolate chips, and pepitas.

    5. Wellington hat*

      KIND bars with almonds. Dried fruit as long as I’m not crossing a border/customs.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      When I travel, I like m&ms (plain or peanut butter, usually a mix), peanut butter cheese cracker sandwiches (usually in 4 or 6 packs), pepperoni sticks (like slim Jim style?), string cheese, little bite sized graham crackers like teddy grahams. I always consider baby dill pickles and cutie mandarins, but end up not, because pickles get juice everywhere and the mandarins have peels that need disposing. (For some reason I’m willing to put wrappers in my pockets if there isn’t a handy trash bin but not peels. I dunno.)

    7. Hatchet*

      My go to is the Nature’s Bakery Fig bars in raspberry or strawberry… you can find them at Target, Amazon, etc near the cereal bars.
      They’re a bit high in sugar, but they’re easy on my stomach when I’m traveling, which is a win in my book.
      Also, I’m a fan of honey roasted almonds!

    8. Helvetica*

      How about a Clif bar? Technically, it is a protein bar but it does not have that distinct protein flavour, and I was eating them as a snack before I realised what they are (I’m not from the States). Peanut Butter Banana and Crunchy Peanut Butter are my favourites.
      And I don’t know if it is accessible to you but Wasa sandwich bars are my recent delightful discovery, with tomato&basil being my absolute top snack to take anywhere.

    9. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      Kind Bars–buy a box at Target. I’ve noticed these are now being offered at airports, so I am not alone in finding them the right travel snack.

    10. Alex*

      In that case I’d probably pack a full lunch. A pb&j sandwich, piece of fruit, a crunchy snack like cheezits. Maybe some trail mix or something like that for an extra snack.

    11. Bumble the Bee*

      Lots of good suggestions here so I’ll just add rice cakes and applesauce cups for shelfstable snacks; sandwich fixings, yogurt cups, or hardboiled eggs if you can bring a small insulated bag; and biscuits or breakfast cookies if you like to bake – breakfast cookies like banana oatmeal walnut are especially useful IMO because they have enough calories to fuel you and enough fiber to fill you.

      1. Jackalope*

        Warning that applesauce and yogurt are often considered liquids for the purpose of getting through security.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Yeah before my child was born wife tried to bring applesauce pouches through security – thinking nothing of it- and they made her toss them. When we flew with 2-year old, they were allowed because they’re “baby food”.

    12. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Salami. I like some of the dried cheese like Moon Cheese and Whisps. I have taken jerky of various kinds and often buy a yogurt in the airport before takeoff.

    13. CanadaGoose*

      Larabars are my go-to for a packaged bar that isn’t a “protein bar”. Also consider nutty oatmeal cookies and whole fruit (eg an apple).
      For lunch, I’d want protein and veggies to be included. This can mean some of the proteins mentioned by others (jerky, pepperoni, salami, hard or processed cheeses). But also consider flavoured tuna kits (come with crackers) and/or canned hummus. Roasted chickpeas are also nice for variety. Sometimes you can find ready-to-eat grain, veg, and tuna bowls near the instant rice or canned tuna. Try before you travel with, though!
      For veggies, cherry tomatoes are my go-to. Roasted seaweed or kale chips are also fun, green, and pre-packaged.

  18. RussianInTexas*

    I don’t do this often, more for the winter broccoli and some salad, but it’s tasty:
    Creamy tahini dressing
    ½ cup Tahini
    3 tablespoon Lemon juice
    2 tablespoon Maple syrup
    6 tablespoon Warm water
    ½ teaspoon Salt
    Whisk together until smooth and creamy, add more water if needed.

  19. goddessoftransitory*

    Question of the Week: Cliches and You!

    We’re all familiar with cliches–those sayings and whatnot so interwoven into our brains and society that they’re mostly invisible until someone writes a really over reliant book or makes a movie that you could describe in totality from the trailer.

    But! All these things–the cartoon reactions, the meet-cutes, the saying as old as time–had to originate and occur at some point, right? And thus, they can still manifest right in our everyday reality!

    I have two examples of such eruptions of hackneyed occurrences!

    The first involved me and a large Rattus rattus. We’ve all seen the cartoons of women (or men, or elephants) leaping upon chairs and shrieking aloud at the sight of a wee rodent, right? Who would actually react that way, you ask? Well, I would, when it involved coming downstairs from work to head home and spotting a HUGE GIGANTIC RAT that was the size of a corgi just hanging out in the hallway! (Okay, it wasn’t that big, but that sucker was healthy and well fed, I tell you.)
    I literally gave out an EEK! and the only reason I didn’t leap onto a chair was there wasn’t one available. I charged upstairs to inform my managers, where I was told that the remodeling was chasing all such rodentia out of the building and not worry. Okay, sure!

    The second involved my husband and I walking home from an errand and his feet skidding out from beneath him. He didn’t fall totally, but was definitely slipping! And it turned out it was on–a banana peel.

    Yes, that ageless go-to of one panel New Yorker cartoons actually happened in real life. It blew my mind, almost as much as the HUMONGOUS rat did!

    What are the most varnished, framed, stuffed and mounted cliche situations you’ve seen or been involved in? Remember, it never rains but it pours and so on.

    1. Jackalope*

      When I was little and hanging out with my mom, we had a mouse run through the room we were in and she freaked out. I think she jumped on a chair, definitely shrieked, and tried to get me to respond. For my part, I just saw a cute little rodent scurrying across the floor, and didn’t see a reason to be afraid of it (although I didn’t try to pet it or anything, just watched with fascination). This later reflected my general response to a lot of critters people find frightening, but I was bemused at her response even at the time.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Mine is cat-related: my current trio of cats generally get along fairly well (knock on wood), but now and then one of them will just go off – could be redirected aggression from seeing a neighborhood cat through the window, or a traffic jam in the hall that made one lash out, or just being obnoxious – and suddenly all three of them are a shrieking, windmilling ball of paws and tails. Yup, just *exactly* like in the cartoons. The first time it happened I was both terrified (those sounds they make! and there was fur flying!) and vastly amused; whoever animated those early blurs-of-battling-beasts had excellent observational skills.

      1. Ellabee*

        My childhood cat was once very startled by something (I forget what) and responded with a whole lot of hissing. My mom and I looked at each other and said “Well, that’s where the phrase ‘throwing a hissy fit’ comes from.”

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Mine wasn’t a banana peel, just wet wood and shoes with no traction, but my feet went straight forward out from under me and I landed flat on my back the way they do in the cartoons. My brother also did in fact once step on the business end of a rake and it popped up and whapped him in the face.

      1. The OG Sleepless*

        I have done both of those. One time when I was running I tried to nudge something out of the way with my foot, and alley-ooped right off my feet like Charlie Brown and landed on my back. I was enraged at myself.

    4. Lore*

      I fainted once in public—hot and humid day, dressed for different weather than it turned into, hadn’t eaten breakfast—and even though I was only out maybe 30 sec, I woke up with “Where am I?”

    5. StrayMom*

      “Easy as pie.”

      Mom made pie crust from scratch, using lard (I know, yuk, but OMG it was soooo good!). First time I tried to duplicate her technique as a newlywed was horrid – I must have overworked it and it was just a mess. Lately, I’ve just been buying the refrigerated pie crusts and adding my own yummy fillings, so pie is now finally easy but for years I wondered who thought up that cliche.

      Anyway, happy “Pie Day” to those who observe!

      1. allathian*

        Making pie crust from scratch was easy when the alternative required whisking eggs by hand…

        1. carcinization*

          Hmm… I whisk eggs by hand all the time but almost always buy pre-made pie crusts. I guess everybody’s different!

    6. Teal Tshirt*

      I’ve walked straight into a lamp post. Yup, no, I don’t know how I overlooked it either. Totally cartoonish, and only harm done was to my pride.

    7. allathian*

      I was a flower girl at my aunt’s wedding. As we were walking down the aisle, I tripped on my own feet and fell flat on top of the flowers. At 11, I was mortified at my clumsiness, and while I didn’t hit my head, I remember nothing else from that wedding.

      When I was 10, we were invited to a family party with both adults and kids. We were horsing around while the adults ate and most probably had a drink or two. A boy who was a couple years older pulled a rug from under my feet, I hit the back of my head on a corner, and started bleeding. My dad had to carry me home. Luckily the wound was small, but I can still feel the scar.

    8. Might Be Spam*

      I got a black eye from a doorknob. Work called me in the middle of the night and I was so startled that I fell out of bed and hit the closet doorknob with my face.

    9. Forensic13*

      I had my dog’s leash wrapped around my ankles once on a walk. She saw something she wanted and took off running. Yanked me right off my feet like every cartoon YOINK; I never believed that such a cartoon action could happen in real life! (I slammed down on an arm and it hurt like heck, but I didn’t break anything!)

  20. WoodswomanWrites*

    For anyone who has loved ones affected by the war in the Middle East, my heart is with you. My neighbors across the street and my friends from work have family members there.

    1. BellStell*

      Thanks. I have friends in Tehran, Palestine, and a close friend has family in Beirut, Bekaa Valley, UAE, and we have a friend on a boat in the Gulf now for work too. No one is really safe. It is so sad.

  21. Cookies For Breakfast*

    It’s our last 36 hours in Barcelona before flying home tomorrow evening, and I’m curious: what free or cheap things off the beaten path have people enjoyed in the city?

    For context: we’ve already seen a lot of the main sights (Casa Batlló, La Pedrera, Casa Vicens, Sagrada Familia). There are places we already know of (Palau de la Musica, Recinte Modernista de San Pau, the Cathedral, Santa Maria del Mar, Palau Guell) but may not want to spend money on this time round, given how expensive the places we already paid for were.

    We’ve been to Montjuic on a previous trip and might return today, and I’ve read about the Tibidabo, but it looks like quite the trek from the city centre. What else might I be missing out on?

    1. Bobina*

      I personally generally enjoy a walking tour. They are often listed as free but the expectation is you tip at the end – usually 10-20 Euros. You can find themed ones (food! history! off-the-beaten path things! etc) and if you get a good guide they are often well worth it. One of the best ones I ever did was in Madrid so I have fond memories of Spain from that :D

    2. I’m not AI—I just live m-dashes*

      Just walking along the barcolenetta (beach/water) and going for a swim—just don’t leave any wallets $$ on the beach or they’ll be stolen (this is why I travel with daily disposable contacts and don’t wear my glasses on swim days). Walk all the way up to Geary’s fish, all the way down and then along the base—the walk there has a ton of public art.

      Loved the Miro museum—not expensive. Went by cab (I’m a tad concerned about being late/not having time. To explore), but took the gondola back down to the Main Street. However you can take the gondola both ways.

      Slightly more $ go to Montserrat mountain. Do-it-yourself (I.e. not a tour) is not too expensive and you have all the time you need there.

      Second the walking tours. Also the greatest fun we’ve had was when we would just Walk…get the map and set a destination. When you get there, get a cuppa. Listen and enjoy people watching. Sit in the sun.
      .

      1. Cookies For Breakfast*

        Montserrat mountain would be such a good shout if we had more time (or if the weather had been decent today, but I shall not complain about one rainy day only). We had a ridiculously long walk to Poblenou cemetery and then back to the Olympic Port yesterday, and stopped just short of Barceloneta, so that might be a good one for tomorrow. Thank you!

    3. Lore*

      I loved the Fundación Mapfre museum—small so depends on what’s showing today, but free and centrally located.

    4. Sara K*

      If you haven’t visited them before, the Barcelona botanical gardens are very lovely to walk through on a sunny day. You get some great views of the city, they aren’t usually that crowded and the plant selections are fun to explore

  23. Sassafras*

    Anybody have experience of timber floors and dogs? I want to get rid of my carpet but am having a hard time understanding the choices (don’t like tile). I think timber floors are beautiful but not sure just how they would hold up to a big Labrador and her occasional illness and rare accidents (not to mention my own clumsiness and spills). A salesman tried to sell me on luxury vinyl by saying it’s so practical that hospitals use it – I work in a hospital, I don’t want to live in one! I’ve inspected a lot of houses and some had such strange plastic feeling floorboards (vinyl?) that looked durable but felt so unnatural. I also have niggly concerns about micro plastics/offgassing with vinyl and laminate, although I guess you can’t get around it if timber floors need a polyurethane coating anyway? I thought choosing a paint colour was hard enough but now the decision fatigue is really kicking in!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My understanding is that actual wood floors are quite susceptible to scratches from doggy claws. I put in wood-look laminate when I redid some of mine and it’s quite nice and has held up well to my girls (a 55lb pit mix and a 115lb Great Dane).

    3. DistantAudacity*

      Wooden floors are common where I live, including for people with pets :)

      Different types of wood have different hardness, so you would need to take that into consideration. Also the type of finishing(s)/sealant you apply to it will matter a lot! Probably with a dog you’d like a durable laquer (matte/glossyiness to taste) etc.

      A high-quality wood floor (or parquet (sp?)) can be sanded down and re-finished, depending on the thickness of the wood (a sanding down takes 3-5mm off), so you can do that after say 10 years, if needed.

    4. Alan*

      We have all wood floors with dogs (including one current lab and one previous lab, a current Cavalier, and a previous boxer) and love them! They are *so* easy to clean compared to carpets and will hold up much better than vinyl. And we love real wood! We still have wood windows and fencing where some neighbors are going vinyl. I’ve not noticed any floor damage from the dogs (scratches on doorways are a *much* bigger problem). Floors will scratch from rough chair movement. We’ve had some high-traffic areas refinished (even high-traffic areas will last a decade) but other areas we haven’t touched. I can’t imagine going back to carpet (although we have some area rugs). Carpet just absorbs pet stains and odors. With the wood floors you just wipe them down and they’re fine.

    5. Alan*

      By the way, if you get wood and your dogs like to run in the house, they will need to get used to it. One collision with the wall should suffice :-). I think the wood is also cooler than carpet. When it gets warm our dogs will leave their fabric-covered beds and sleep on the wood floor.

    6. Absolute Blueberry*

      There is tile that replicates hardwood, meaning that it’s longer and has fewer seams to be grouted. It can also be sealed. One of my friends splashed out for this and while it’s pricey, it looks incredible, and it holds up to her two German shepherds perfectly.

      (I realize you said you don’t like tile, but I wasn’t sure if that meant mostly the small square designs, or anything in that genre, no matter the size or shape.)

    7. Former Local*

      Hardwood floors are very common where I live, we have all hardwood and a 90lb dog and two young children. They do they scuffed up, but they’re easy to clean. A true hardwood floor can be sanded and refinished, an engineered hardwood (which is now a lot more common – it’s easier to install and less expensive) cannot.

    8. Jay (no, the other one)*

      I also work in a hospital. We have luxury vinyl in our kitchen and it is nothing like the floor at work – it looks and feels more like cork than like plastic. A huge difference from the crappy sheet vinyl it replaced.

      We put laminate flooring in the kitchen in our previous house and we had large dogs at the time. Their claws made so much noise on that floor that it drove me mad. No idea if that was specific to that product or it was poorly installed – it made me swear off laminate forever, hence the luxury vinyl. We have hardwood everywhere else in the house (and had it in the first house as well) and it held up pretty well to the dogs. We have oak; I suspect pine would be more easily damaged.

    9. Kay*

      Some of your options are going to be location specific – some woods do better in certain conditions. Go with the hardest wood that works for your area. For example in my area the hardest wood won’t work (can’t remember if that is hickory or something else), but the second hardest wood, Acacia, works really well. Any wood is going to scratch, but opting for something hard and maintaining proper nail length on your pets will go a long way.

    10. Asloan*

      I have original oak and the dog did scratch it up with his nails, but tbh I’m surprised that my cats do about equal damage kabong-ing (if you know what I mean) around. Pee is really terrible for hardwood, like can permanently stain it apparently. If I was always going to be a “big dog person” I would probably want laminate or something that was less heartbreaking.

      1. Alan*

        We’ve gotten a lot of pee on our wood floors with no staining (4 dogs, two of them puppies). We have oak with polyurethane finish. If the wood is finished I can’t imagine why anything would stain. The poly is hard. Even if it did stain, assuming it’s hardwood, it should sand out. When we moved into our current home (30 years ago now) my daughter’s bedroom floor was horrible. Stains, various bits of damage, worn out finish. It looked really bad. But I knew that she was going to be hard on it so we left it alone until she left for college, then we had it sanded and refinished. It looks gorgeous now! All the staining and wear was superficial.

        1. Alan*

          Okay, I do see other people reporting pee damage to hardwood. But that definitely hasn’t been our experience. I guess if the finish is worn or board have separated, and the pee occurs in quantity, it’s a problem. For us it’s just been an accident here and there. Our dogs housebreak pretty quickly.

  24. LeftistScum*

    Wow! I’m seeing some political ads on this site that are super offensive to me (about Georgia candidates). Is there anyway to block them or let the advertiser know how I feel?

    1. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      Let Alison know by using the “Report a problem” link on the “Connect” page. It’s best if you can add screenshots, the type of browser and which system you use (apple or android, mobile or desktop).

    2. Hlao-roo*

      Above the comment box there’s a link to report “an ad, tech, or typo issue here.” At that link there are instructions on how to report a problematic ad.

    3. allathian*

      Click on the You can report an ad, tech, or typo issue here link above the comment box and follow the instructions. Alison’s quite strict about the ads.

    4. Angstrom*

      I see no ads. Using Privacy Badger and Cookie Autodelete and have the browser pretty well locked down(no third-party cookies, all “personalization” options off)

    6. Nervous Nellie*

      A general tip that might help – if you use the Brave browser, you won’t see ads of any kind ever. It could be a nice way to quiet down the noise overall, and certainly to dodge any unwanted ads.

  25. WantToBeAGoodFriend*

    Follow up question for contact lens wearers.

    My left eye had been bothering me while wearing contacts last week (it felt like something was in my eye), and you guys encouraged me to see an eye doctor, so I did Monday morning. He put dye in my eyes and said they looked dry (but noted it was weird that only one eye was bothering me). He gave me a different brand of contacts to try, but they didn’t feel any better on my left eye when I wore them eight hours the next day. I wore my normal contacts briefly on Wednesday, and my right eye hurt (I don’t think my left bothered me), so that’s confusing.

    Recently there was a week where I was doing a lot of doom-scrolling on my phone at night and was on my computer a lot over the weekend, which is a lot of screentime on top of my full-time job. Normally I get more breaks from screens at night and the weekend. Maybe that caused it? There was also one night where I fell asleep for about 15 minutes with my contacts in, and they were very hard to get out, so I was touching my eyes while I struggled to remove them.

    Has anyone experienced sudden dry eye before? Did it resolve quickly? How did you treat it?

    I’ve been wearing old glasses (though the prescription is lower than it should be) and am going to try to stay off screens this weekend. I got an eye wash/rinse that feels very nice, but I don’t think it’s meant to provide lasting relief. I also got Refresh Digital eyedrops that contain three different lubriants, but it feels heavy and I don’t feel like it helps.

    1. RussianInTexas*

      I’ve been treating dry eyes for about 4 years now, although I am not a contacts wearer. With prescription eye drops, off the shelf eye drops eye masks, etc. There hasn’t been a magical solution.
      Unfortunately insurance companies really do not like covering long term eye drops.
      I did get a warning about not using eye drops for the redness, like Visine, they only make the dryness worse.

    2. FrontlinER*

      I get this too sometimes. Increased screen time definitely affects my contacts and makes them so dry. Things that have helped me: switching to biotrue hydration solution and re-wetting drops. I used regular biotrue forever and then made the switch one day and was amazed at how much longer I felt comfortable in them. It’s a few dollars extra but worth it to me. Also the re-wetting drops are cheap, easily available, and can give me some immediate relief.

    3. Chauncy Gardener*

      Try hot compresses. There is a product by Zeiss that has individual, one use eye masks that heat up once you open them up. It’s like magic! Huge kudos to whomever invented these things. You open it up, put the mask on and sit for 15-20 minutes then discard. It feels wasteful, but have you ever had a warm compress stay warm for 20 minutes?
      My eyes are SO much better. I still use drops, but these are a game changer

    4. Absolute Blueberry*

      I have dry eye due to tretinoin use. It’s not severe enough to make me quit the medication since I have terrible acne that was affecting my career, but it is still annoying.

      Drops that contain mineral oil have made the most noticeable difference for me, though they cannot be worn DURING contact use.

      Another thing to consider is that if you use any actives on your face (retinol, AHAs/BHAs, Vitamin C, niacinamide, etc.) you should leave extra space around your orbital area and/or use a slugging barrier. Also, apply these treatments several hours before bed, so they have time to absorb. I used to think I was being so careful and diligent with my consistent bedtime routine, but what I was really doing was rolling around on the pillow with fresh actives that were migrating into my eyes.

    5. Night Sky*

      I was told to have a warm eye mask for about 10 minutes and then massage around my eye (in a specific way to activate the production of the eye fluid).
      I’ve done that every day and about two weeks later the dryness could not be detected anymore by the eye doctor.

    6. Just a Name*

      My dry eye issue was diagnosed as Salzmann’s degenerative nodules. I was growing bumps on my cornea. In any event, one thing my ophthalmologist said was to take fish oil supplements. Not that I noticed a huge difference but I still take it daily.

    7. HBJ*

      I suddenly had an issue with a new bottle of clear care after never having issues for years. I made a complaint on their website. It resolved with moving to a different brand.

  26. Dear liza dear liza*

    After suffering through a stomach bug, my weekend plans revolve around laying on the couch watching tv. What are your go-to movies when you re in nap/recovery mode?

    2. o_gal*

      In cases like that, I love to rewatch movies I loved in the past. We buy our movies on DVD but also have a few streaming services. What I do sometimes is go for movies that are, for me, childhood movie memories. So, things like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the old Disney live action movies, What’s Up Doc? (starring a really young Barbra Streisand), After the Fox (really funny Peter Sellers that is not as well known as the Pink Panther series), etc.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Oh, I loved *What’s Up Doc?* It’s got comedy, a car/bicycle chase, romance, Streisand singing — what’s not to love?

      2. dapfloodle*

        My husband and I still sing the theme song to “After the Fox” to each other from time to time.

    3. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      Great British Bake Off and Top Chef. In part as o-gal says because I have watched them, so it’s okay if I close my eyes.

      If food shows really don’t do it, I will put in Avatar the Last Airbender, original animated series. Also half hour sit coms like Parks and Rec or Brooklyn 99 are ideal for this frame.

    4. Girasol*

      I get so wasted on stomach bugs that I go with anything so familiar that if I’m only aware of half of it I can follow the story line. And instead of popcorn, lots of gatorade and maybe a cracker.

    5. CubeToad*

      Airplane!, Up, Office Space, Galaxyquest, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Shaun of the Dead

      Basically movies that don’t require thinking :)

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        Oh, I think *Airplane!* is a great idea! I read somewhere that it allegedly has the most jokes per minute of any comedy. No idea if that’s true, but it certainly has plenty of amusing jokes that don’t really require having paid attention earlier — you can drift in and out of paying attention and still enjoy whatever you watch!

    6. Seraphina*

      I watched the Downton Abbey final movie the other day and loved it. The Downton series overall is great for a chill day or sick day. Hope you feel better soon!

    7. goddessoftransitory*

      Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax for me–nothing more soothing than listening to the guys riff Eegah!, Bride of the Monster or City of the Damned!

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        This! But you also need Pod People and The Day the Earth Froze.

        I am also partial to The Saga of the Viking Women, which is prefaced by The Home Economics Story.

    8. The OG Sleepless*

      The last time I was that sick, I had Covid and the brain fog was so bad I couldn’t follow anything I hadn’t seen before. I watched the whole run of Firefly and a few episodes of The Office.

      1. Girasol*

        I read a novel that I’d been looking forward to while I was in that first paxlovid week recovering from covid. It wasn’t until months later that I picked up the book again. It was like I’d never seen it before. I had read it cover to cover but could remember absolutely nothing.

    9. Charlotte Lucas*

      If you have a fever, I do not recommend watching Fantasia for the first time. It is very disorienting, to say the least.

    10. Jay (no, the other one)*

      For me it’s more TV – Law&Order (only the original), M*A*S*H, The West Wing, even childhood stuff like The Brady Bunch.

      I think movies would be musicals – old classics like Singin’ In the Rain, Astaire and Rogers, pretty much anything with pretty clothes and catchy tunes and dancing.

    11. Indolent Libertine*

      If you’ve recovered from the bug enough so that the thought of food is once again pleasant, I highly recommend binging great British baking show. I got through multiple seasons on Netflix, when recovering from a couple of surgeries in recent years.

  27. super soup*

    i usually make a big soup every weekend to last me through the week. this week- i’m all out of ideas. i don’t have any chicken or beef broth handy, and i probably won’t make or buy any. so what soup ideas do you have that don’t require chicken or beef broth?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Two big cans of diced tomatoes, one regular size can of seasoned ones if you have them. Three cans of beans. Then just whatever veggies, seasonings and protein appeal. If I do this with chili seasoned tomatoes, beef or chicken, and corn, I have chili. Mixed veg, smoked sausage, Italian seasonings and throw in some pasta at the end, and it’s kind of like minestrone with (optional) sausage.

    2. Mrs. Pommeroy*

      As a vegetarian: all the veggies!

      The other day I made a sweet potato & carrots soup with onion, black cabbage, some ginger and a bit of lemon. It was supposed to have fennel and coriander/cilantro but I like neither, so just left those out.
      I could have added coconut milk, I think that would have worked well.

      I generally like just throwing whatever vegetables I have in a pot, adding some veggie stock, letting it boil and simmer and adding some spice until it’s to my taste. Simplest food ever xD

    5. Bumble the Bee*

      Ham & potato. Saute onion in a lot of olive oil or butter, add garlic, add celery and carrot and potato, add water or milk or a mix of both, simmer until veggies are soft, add cubed ham, add salt & pepper to taste. If you prefer a thicker soup then add an equal amount of flour to the butter when you add the garlic.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Tomato soup using canned tomatoes
      Lentil soup, with or without sliced hotdogs or bits of ham
      Leek and potato soup
      Puree the leek and potato soup and add some dairy for vichyssoise
      Cream of mushroom soup

    7. Charlotte Lucas*

      Seconding chili! Also, any legume or tomato-based soup should work.

      I have been trying to cut the salt in my cooking and have found that if you’re using enough of other spices/flavoring, even veggie stock can be replaced with water. Just don’t try to cut the things that really make a difference (wine, alliums, anything sauteed).

    8. Bluebell Brenham*

      I’ve always found that sautéing one or two onions or leeks, plus a bit of carrot and celery with salt and pepper can punch up the flavor enough to not need broth. Some of my reliable soups are Laurie Colwin’s black bean soup, easy lentil soup, and leek mushroom soup with sherry and orzo.

    9. HannahS*

      Tomato lentil: chopped onion/carrot/celery in olive oil, then add 1 can of tomatoes, 1/2 c dry lentils (any kind) or 1 can of lentils, and some dried or fresh herbs (any/all of oregano, basil, bay leaf, parsley,) salt and pepper, and 3-4 cups of water. If you have dried shitaake mushrooms, rehydrate them and chop, then toss in with the soaking water. Optional, but great if you have it.

    10. Capybara Lambada*

      Mollie Katzen/Moosewood cookbook has a really excellent olive soup recipe- totally delicious and perfectly balanced. I went to put in this recommendation earlier and started wanting some so badly, well, that’s what dinner was tonight!!

    11. Girasol*

      I just finished a curried squash with coconut milk soup. Salmon chowder (milk, potatoes, onions, carrots, salmon) doesn’t need broth and the salmon can be canned. Pea soup with carrots and onions generally doesn’t require broth, and if there’s no bacon or ham to go in it, a dash of liquid smoke substitutes. Chili is good if you have ground or shredded beef and tomatoes handy to start with.

    12. Samwise*

      Curried red lentil soup. Ottolenghi recipe, on both the guardian and Bon Appetit websites. Vegan. The only change I’ve made to this delicious recipe is to add a lot more cilantro.

      Freezes well

  28. Anonimouse*

    What did you recently learn about yourself?

    I read my old diaries, and found out that the love of my life wasn’t any of my boyfriends and not my first husband (duh), but a guy I sold coffee to 15 years ago. I’ve been in love with him for all of these 15 years. I speak so highly of him then and now! We became friends super quick and stayed in touch all this time, despite both of us moving around the country. When I finally realised what was going on, it was too late, he is moving to the US soon and I’m staying were I am.

    Funny how I did not recognise I was in love, though I occasionally had a hunch, according to my diary. There was always so much going on in our lifes, it just wasn’t to be.

    1. Cosmic Crisp*

      I like to wear colors!

      I had top surgery last November and have been rebuilding my wardrobe around my new body shape, and I’m picking WAY less black or neutral tones than I had before. I hit up a few thrift stores last weekend and had a lot of fun picking out things I wouldn’t have given a second look before.

    2. Flames on the Side of My Face*

      That I haven’t fully moved on from my preteen insecure self, actually; my oldest is starting middle school with all the drama therein (middle school=6-8 grade, age 11-13), and the dormant anxieties are waking up on their behalf.

    3. Asloan*

      It’s funny how my feelings about my family of origin wax and wane over time. Honestly at my age I have stopped trying to put a lot of energy into it other than recognizing if I’m making a weird assumption because of it. When I was a kid I was very happy and thought everything was perfect … later I started to recognize some really weird things that were not visible because it was the water we swam in. Now that I’m an adult I just try to have have compassion and patience for all of us.

    4. Bay*

      I moved from the US to Japan six years ago and I was shocked at how much I enjoy looking feminine now. A lot of my personal styles were actually chosen to be male attention repellents– rat tails, mullets, hairy legs– but I didn’t realize until the environment changed and I didn’t need them.

    5. Might Be Spam*

      I learned that I’m a good dancer. I was always so clumsy. It must have been from stress, because after my divorce I started dancing. This week a swing dance instructor was really surprised that I have only been dancing since November. He was impressed that I kept up with him when he improvised. I think it helps that I don’t mind dancing with newcomers. If I can follow someone unsure what they are doing, then I can follow anyone.

  29. WellRed*

    Sounds silly but what do people use tablets for these days? I’m getting stuck with one as part of an internet promotion. I use my phone for most things and have a laptop (barely use) for things like taxes. I’m not into online games it anything and I rarely travel.

    1. RussianInTexas*

      Games mostly, a much larger screen than my phone, and I play a few mobile versions of board games, do a large screen helps immensely.
      Crossword puzzles, same reason.

    2. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      I use one strictly for the art program Procreate. But it’s limited in which ones it will run on.

    4. Verily*

      I didn’t used to reach for my tablet often, but as my eyes get older I use it a lot more because the font is larger! Especially if I’m looking at a recipe or any kind of instructions onscreen while I’m trying to switch between the screen and my task.

      2. Absolute Blueberry*

        Same, ours became a recipe device. An older tablet wasn’t getting used, so I figured taking a chance with kitchen messes was worth it.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yep, I keep an old one mounted in my kitchen. It has the shared family calendars on it, plus I regularly message recipes to it so I can pull them up to use while cooking.

    5. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      I use the Libby app on mine to get e-books from the library. Yes you can use the phone for that but the larger screen is nicer.

      1. Indolent Libertine*

        This! My iPad mini gets a lot of varied use but Libby and the NYT Games app are the lion’s share.

      2. KathyG*

        Came here to say exactly this. I don’t read physical books anymore – – they are too heavy.

    6. Vanessa*

      If you don’t really want it, you might consider donating. A local service organization (women’s shelter, homeless shelter) could get it to someone who would really need it.

    10. fhqwhgads*

      Ebooks, movies, tv, crosswords, video calls with family. Mostly ebooks and crosswords tho.

    11. Pam Adams*

      reading- as well as books, my kindle holds my newspaper apps, general web surfing, games. (easier to play candy crush when I can see the tiles)

      I also keep Outlook and Teams there. If I’m away from the office and need to be work-involved, it’s lighter than my laptop.

    12. Shiny Penny*

      I don’t use my phone for any internet stuff if I’m at home. The screen is so much smaller, it just doesn’t feel very comfortable.
      I use the tablet for everything— browsing (AAM, internet rabbit holes), reading library books, checking email, watching you tubes, paying bills, shopping, etc.
      I have a really old desktop, but it’s just in one set spot. The tablet fits well at any table, and is easy to move around.

    13. 653-CXK*

      I bought a tablet in 2022 (late 50th birthday/Christmas present to myself) mainly for the Internet when I don’t want to use my all-in-one.

    14. Jay (no, the other one)*

      A TV replacement in the kitchen, Internet use on quick trips when I don’t want to take my laptop, and music, both for choir and sheet music for piano and voice. I like being able to adjust the size of the music, I appreciate having it backlit in dim rooms, and I love the apps that allow me to transpose what I’m singing. I don’t play games.

    15. No Tribble At All*

      Bringing it to the gym to watch my own tv show instead of the news or whatever daytime talk shows on

    16. Fellow Traveller*

      I use mine more than my laptop or phone to read via Libby, watch YouTube (a lot of the time for workouts), Feedly, read blogs…. I use my tablet for all my sheet music (I work in the music industry), to read and edit pdfs. I use it to stream movies or tv while I’m working in the kitchen or to listen to music. It’s my preferred method of internet consumption because the screen is bigger than my phone and it is not as cumbersome as my laptop.

    17. Rara Avis*

      I see lots of musicians using them for their music. My child uses there’s to do math homework, because copying problems accurately is one aspect of their math-specific learning disability, so working on a off in the tablet means they have all the numbers right.

    18. Asloan*

      Honestly I guess this is weird but I use the tablet to stay logged in on sites that I don’t want to have logged in while doing other work online, like reddit, gmail, or social media or streaming. I kind of assume if you log in and then browse they’re watching everything you do, and I have a bug about internet privacy although I’m not doing anything terribly interesting (like reading here lol).

    19. I’m not AI—I just live m-dashes*

      Bought an old school over the handlebar “book” holder for hubby so he can use his iPad to watch shows while on our stationary bike. I use mine to share photos from trips and other excursions—much bigger than the phone and much easier to share amongst more than one person (also use it to view the mockups from the designer about our kitchen renno)

    21. tr6-woundwort*

      I use mine almost exclusively for note taking (with a stylus), as I wanted to cut down on the piles of notebooks I was generating at work.

  30. Yay gums!*

    To anyone who has had gum graft surgery – anything you wish you knew before the procedure or anything you wish you had done differently?

    I am planning to have everything done at once vs doing one side then the other (don’t want 2 surgeries), using my own tissue (better results), going under anesthesia (length of surgery). I’m expecting I’ll be on meds for a few days and on a liquid/soft diet for a few weeks. I also normally wear a retainer/night guard which I’m guessing will be a while before I can navigate again.

    Outside of assuming it is going to be an uncomfortable recovery and to stay away from anything with bits in it for a while, any tips that made your recovery easier or you would have done differently, either for recovery or surgery? I get pretty queasy with medical stuff, if that makes a difference.

    1. o_gal*

      You’re pretty much got it covered. Even after you are cleared to eat more solid foods, be very careful and pay attention as you are eating. Depending on how they “bandage” the sites, you may end up breaking off chunks (my surgeon used a hardened bandage.) Don’t panic, unless it’s right away and is a large chunk. Follow your surgeon’s instructions to the letter and it will go better – don’t rush things. It’s going to be a couple of weeks of misery, but afterwards you will feel so much better. Good luck!

    2. Not A Manager*

      I had an autogenous graft many years ago, and a donor graft more recently. The recovery from both was fairly easy. The most painful part of the autogenous graft was the tissue site at the roof of the mouth. The doc told me it would feel like when you burn your mouth on hot pizza, and that’s just what it felt like. It was totally tolerable.

      IIRC, I got prescription pain meds for both procedures. If you can tolerate them, try to take them on schedule the first few days to stay ahead of any pain, but I didn’t need them for very long.

    3. Bumble the Bee*

      Getting general anesthesia would be my #1 advice for an all-at-once gum surgery (I didn’t and regretted it) so you’ve already got that covered! Make sure you have someone to drive you home and stay long enough to get comfortably settled with all your things in your nest. Have lots of pillows on the couch so you can find a comfortable position to rest in, and multiple large soft cold packs so you can rotate them and always have a fresh one ready. An audiobook is nice because you can lean your head back without needing to see a screen. Not being able to have anything with berries in it caught me off guard, but mango turned out to be a good option for flavored applesauce. Having a variety of savory soft things helps with the mealtime boredom; refried beans can be thinned out with water, mashed potatoes can be jazzed up with garlic powder, and hummus and peanut butter can provide a spoonful of contrasting taste to all the obligatory soups and smoothies!
      It definitely wasn’t easy, but my gums were in far better shape after the surgery so on the whole I do believe it was worth it. Good luck!

      1. Shiny Penny*

        If you have full anesthesia, I’ve always been told you need a responsible adult to stay overnight with you the first night at least?
        Some people can have weird reactions (especially the older you get) and it seems like a clear “better safe than sorry” situation.

    4. Reba*

      Well, I’m doing it basically the opposite approach (one quadrant at a time and donor tissue) but I’m 2 out of 4 surgeries down and it’s going well.

      The recovery has been a bit more intense than I initially expected. I had a black eye! For the first few nights I tried to sleep on extra pillows/more upright position which I think helped but was also challenging in its own way.

      I was glad I have a good blender and that I prestocked the freezer with smoothie ingredients. Also fortunate that I already love lentil soup.

      It helped me to make a timetable for every dose of everything (alternating painkillers, antibiotics, mouthwash). It is hard to go without brushing for several days. Finally, for squeamishness, I would really try to avoid looking, the stitches really appear gnarly even when they are healing well!

      1. Yay gums!*

        Ooof – 4! I’m so sorry and I wish you easy, speedy recoveries for the next ones! Thanks for all the tips.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I had mine in April. It was only a few teeth, but I also had to have a biopsy so it was more involved than just the graft. Local anesthesia only, which went well and I drove myself home. I traveled for work less than a week later and did just fine– I was visiting headquarters so I was with my team who all knew what was going on. We all like Italian food so I got soup and meatballs for dinner, then for lunch it was kofte kebabs and hummus. Smoothie for breakfast.

      The one thing I wish I had addressed with my periodontist was the stitches. As I healed and the swelling went down, my stitches poked at my cheek and it was SO uncomfortable. Advil helped, but I wish I had talked to my doc about options, like trimming the stitches or something.

      Oh, and here’s some advice: stock up on soft foods you like but never eat. For me, it’s chocolate pudding and Spaghettios. I love those things. And a friend brought me a milkshake the day of, it was wonderful. Those treats were a big help.

    6. Anna*

      I made some mistakes I’ll share here in hopes that you can avoid!
      1) Stick to the soft diet for as long as the doctor says, even if you feel like you’re pretty much healed. I decided to chance a piece of red velvet loaf (soft enough, I thought) nearing the end of my recovery and it stuck to the bandage on the roof of my mouth and tore it off :( Luckily, I was at a stage where it was raw underneath rather than an open wound, but it was an ouch moment. 2) for the first few days, when you’re feeding yourself, be extra careful that food stays in the inner part of your mouth, away from the graft—trying to gently fish out mashed potato bits located in front of my teeth was not fun. 3) Watch the cutlery for a bit while you get used to things. I accidentally scratched the graft a little with a spoon, which didn’t do any lasting damage but was worrisome at the time.

      Also yes, you’ll want to skip the retainer until it’s fully healed.

    7. Texan in Exile*

      I have had five gum grafts. I had to space them out because of insurance.

      All of them were easy. My oral surgeon had retired from the Navy and gone into private practice and could do the grafts in his sleep. My surgeries were in the morning; I was back at work (from home) in the afternoon with nothing more than aspirin.

      The only thing I would suggest is some kind of sedative for the procedure. Each one took only about 20 minutes and I was never in any pain, but I was keenly aware that there was cutting of flesh and removal of flesh and then sewing on of flesh in my mouth and that made me a bit queasy. My doc gave me xanax? or something else that made me feel very relaxed. Because I had to take it about an hour before the procedure, I had to have someone drive me and pick me up, which can be a hassle, but I preferred the stoned version to the sober one.

      If you do want RX painkillers, make sure you take them with food. I took some kind of opioid on an empty stomach after another dental surgery and threw up almost immediately. It was not pleasant.

    8. Former recruiter*

      I have had two from my own tissue from the roof of my mouth. They made me a custom fitted thin guard for my upper teeth that covered where they took the tissue from; I’m not sure if that’s something they do everywhere and it was expensive (>$500 9 years ago) but worth it if you’re going to do this more than once.

    9. Yay gums!*

      Thanks everyone for sharing! I appreciate all the insight and I think I’m a bit more ready for definitely not being ready, if that makes sense. :-)

  31. Eggsforever*

    What to do with 80 eggs. My roommate and I didn’t communicate and we both bought eggs. There are 4 of us. A normal week usage would be a dozenish.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Beat up a dozen of them with a cup of milk or cottage cheese, split them into a muffin tin, add your preferred omelet toppings, and bake at 350 for about 20-25 minutes. They freeze well, defrost quickly in the microwave, and can be eaten as is or mashed back up and put into like breakfast burritos or whatnot.

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      Lots of omelettes and frittatas? Google cake recipes that use a lot of eggs?
      I would also look up how to freeze eggs. I know it can be done.
      Make a lot of muffins and cookies and freeze them
      Have fun!

    3. fhqwhgads*

      Either the already-mentioned muffin tin omellettes to freeze, or quiche which also freezes well. Otherwise, it sounds like it’s time for custard or bread pudding.

    4. Alex*

      Egg salad sandwiches. Deviled eggs. Cakes, muffins, cookies. Quiche. Egg drop soup.

      Luckily eggs usually keep for quite a while. You’ve probably got at least a month to use them.

        1. Helvetica*

          Eggs last way longer than the best by date on their box indicates. If I’ve had eggs for awhile, I usually do the floating test to check freshness (too old eggs will float but if they lay flat or stand upright on one end, they are still good to go).

        2. Ochre*

          Anecdotally, I’ve kept eggs in the fridge for at least 2 months after the “best by” date and they’ve been fine.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Yep. I don’t even look at the dates most of the time and I’ve never had an egg go bad in my fridge.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Frittatas freeze well. You could add a “breakfast for dinner” night once a week for a few weeks. Eggs last longer in the fridge than their expiration date suggests – really they’re fine to use unless you crack them and there’s obviously something wrong with them.

      But also, you could boil up a few dozen and drop them at a shelter or food pantry.

    7. Slightly cracked*

      They’ll last a while, so really you’re only looking to double your usage. Simple things to use them include.
      1) French toast. Beat one egg into 1/4 cup (~65 mL) of milk (don’t know if vegan milks work, I suspect so, but haven’t run the experiment).
      Place a slice of bread on a plate; pour eggy milk over it to soak it, turning it over with a fork to make sure the other side is soaked. (You’ll use about 1/4 to 1/3 of the mixture on a slice from a standard store-bought sliced bread loaf.)
      Heat a frying pan over medium heat, oil it (butter preferred, but you do you); cook the soaked bread, flipping it, until moderately browned on both sides. Serve as you would pancakes. Makes 3 or 4 slices, depending on the bread. Can freeze, and reheat in toaster (watch it so it doesn’t burn).

      2) Addition to fried rice. Standard guidelines apply: use day-old, cooked, refrigerated rice; in a wok heat about 1 Tbsp of oil per 2 cups cooked rice (you can use a frying pan for smaller quantities, but it can get messy); stir-fry rice from cold for about 10 minutes at high-ish heat (7 to 8/10). Add salt/pepper (~1/4 tsp salt per 2 cups rice, pepper to taste) at about the 5-minutes mark. If you’re adding meat (I typically use drained canned tuna) also add it at the five-minute mark. If you’re adding vegetables, add them at about the 8-minute mark (I’m assuming stuff that basically just needs heating, such as frozen peas/vegetable mix). At the 10-minute mark, pull the rice to the sides of the wok to make a hole; crack one or two eggs into the hole, stir them while they cook to scramble them. Once the eggs have mostly cooked, mix the rice and eggs together until the eggs are cooked.

    12. carcinization*

      You may want to check out strata recipes, the Smitten Kitchen website has a couple of good ones (I like the one with corn), for example. I don’t make strata often because I don’t like using that many eggs at once!

    13. Squishy*

      Swedish pancakes
      Popovers
      Egg salad (keeps well!)
      Custard / custard based pie (like key lime, yum)

  32. Chaordic One*

    This is sort of a philosophical question. When are you still young? At what age do you consider yourself middle-aged? At what age do you become elderly?

    1. fhqwhgads*

      Middle-aged to me is 40-60. Firmly out of “younger adult” territory and not quite into “senior”. In other words, middle-aged to me is “you’re an adult and it’s unlikely anyone would want to add an extra adjective to what kind of adult you are, it’s the smack-in-the-middle “adult”.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Depends entirely on the context. Physically, my last spinal x-ray had three different terms for “arthritis” on it, but I sure don’t mentally feel like I’m in my middle-ages.

      1. Enough*

        At 70 I know many would say elderly but not much has changed health wise in 15 years. And mentally I am definitely not old.

    3. Enough*

      Child – birth to high school graduation
      Young – HS graduation to 30 ish.
      Undetermined title – 30 to 40
      Middle-age – 40 to 60ish
      Older adult – 60 to 75ish
      Elderly – over 75
      But this isn’t just about age. I believe it also includes life stages and health.
      My daughter’s definition old is 65 (Medicare), old-old is 70, and really old is you have hearing aids and over 70. So I am now old-old and my husband is really old.

    4. Not A Manager*

      “Young” is five years younger than your current age. “Old” is ten years older. “Middle-aged” is frightening until it’s aspirational.

    5. Jay (no, the other one)*

      My dad used to say that “middle-aged is ten years older than I am.” I am 65 and have started to say I’m old to try and get used to the idea.

    6. No Tribble At All*

      I felt middle-aged when coworkers used slang I didn’t understand.

      I’m 33 lol

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Or I can’t recognize singers and actors under a certain age range. Who are all these infants?

    7. Asloan*

      I started to realize I wasn’t young when I realized the various pop stars and actors, even ones playing “the mom-wife” or whatever, were all younger than me. Pop culture got away from me.

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Or when I’m rereading a book and realize I’m the age of the protagonist’s parent!

    8. goddessoftransitory*

      I am middle aged–54–but I still look like myself, just a bit of grey and a crease here and there. But I’m definitely slower and bulkier.

      For me I don’t think I’ll feel elderly until I cannot recognize my face in the mirror–that is, my hair, face and body have totally changed.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, me too.

        There’s nothing wrong with being middle-aged, even if our youth-fixated culture tries to make us think otherwise.

        Sure, I’m slower and bulkier, and I certainly have a lot less energy than I did 30 or even 15 years ago, but I like myself a lot more than I did then. For a former people pleaser like me it was so liberating to realize that there’s nothing wrong with me just because some people don’t like me.

        I also love commuting on public transit without constantly worrying about harassment. I love being invisible.

    9. Hello, it's me*

      I feel old when I’m watching an old movie or TV show, and the actors who I thought were older than me when I originally watched it now seem much younger. Or watching an old show and realizing the cast has now all passed on. Sometimes this makes watching Johnny Carson reruns difficult. That, and other reasons. Lots of things were said that wouldn’t be acceptable now.

    10. Lifelong student*

      I started to become old when not only was I older than a person I was working with- I was older than her parents!

    11. Debbie*

      There is a difference between between your body being old and your mind being old. My chronically ill body is a lot older than my neighbor’s who is twice my age.

    12. Nightengale*

      I declared myself middle aged at 27 but it wasn’t really philosophical as much as an act of rebellion.

      I was in medical school and our first year, we had a series of lectures across the lifespan. A pediatrician did the ones on babies, toddlers and teens, family medicine did ones on young adults and middle aged and a geriatrician did the elderly ones.

      The person talking about young adults spoke in absolutes about what young adults cared about (sex and substances, mostly.) Neither of those things had any relationship to my own life. I was (am) an asexual romantic and I drink a glass of wine a few times a year. I agreed then and now that talking to patients about sex, drugs and alcohol is a very important skill but objected to the implication that these were foundational to all young adult experiences.

      Two days later, the talk on middle age started by discussing care of people who might have some chronic health conditions but were still pretty active and working. That resonated perfectly with my life, having several chronic conditions and disabilities.

      So given what I had learned that week, I had no choice but to declare myself middle aged.

      I’ll be 50 on my next birthday and still middle aged, I think. Maybe 65 for elderly?

  33. Lifelong student*

    Things you learned late and wondered why nobody ever told you. I recently learned that to put on fitted sheets without strain use an X design. Lower left- upper tight. Then it is easier to put the other two corners on. What are some other things everyone knows but you learned late?

      1. goddessoftransitory*

        Me too!

        We recently replaced our microwave with a new one of the same version, and I finally confessed, after over fifteen years, that I had never figured out how to enter specific times. I could press one minute, two minutes or whatever, but couldn’t do two minutes thirty seconds. Husband looked at me, said “hit the power time button” and voila.

        A while ago I learned randomly that Pearl S Buck’s The Good Earth was the first of a trilogy. I first read that book in junior high and in the decades since had not the faintest inkling.

    2. Shiny Penny*

      I learned a few months ago that apparently you are “supposed to” run a dishwasher weirdly often, or “the seals will leak!” Like, run it every week!?
      We never had a dishwasher when I was growing up, and when I finally bought my own I’ve gotten used portables, so I can see a lot of opportunity for missing this info, but I’m still impressed that this secret rule is a thing I never knew!
      I tend to run my current dishwasher about every six weeks. It does, in fact, leak a bit every time! But I have concrete floors, so I never really cared. I assumed it was the “used, off Craigslist” effect. I had no idea it’s a *design feature!* Lol

      1. 2e asteroid*

        As someone who runs their dishwasher approximately once a day I am kind of in awe at the idea that once a week is “weirdly often”. I’m in a household of four, but even if I lived alone I feel like running my dishwasher less than once a week would mean hand-washing dishes that I consider part of a dishwasher’s core competency (plates which stack very efficiently in a dishwasher, silverware which I want to be super-sterile, holey things like colanders and cheese graters which are really painful to hand-wash)

        1. David*

          Ooh this is an interesting topic. I’m definitely with you that once a week is not “weirdly often”, but as someone who lives alone, I can easily go for more than a week between dishwasher runs. 1.5-2 weeks is typical for me, depending on what my eating habits are at the time. (To be fair, I get lunch served at work and I regularly get takeout food for dinner a couple times a week – my favorite grocery store makes pretty good deli sandwiches – so I don’t cook things at home as regularly as a lot of other people.)

        2. Asloan*

          This is like the laundry thing. I know so many households that say they do at least a load every day, sometimes more. That is … not my schedule.

      2. i vacuumed today!*

        i’m impressed you use a dishwasher so infrequently. i live alone, tend to batch cook once on the weekend, usually nothing fancy, and still run my dishwasher 3-4 times a week. when i had a family (spouse, kid) it was *minimum* once a day.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          I’m about to go empty the second load of the day. Did three yesterday. There are two of us. We like to cook, I like to bake, and neither of us loves handwashing things.

        2. Nicki Name*

          Same here. Live alone, cook for myself to some extent every day, run the dishwasher every day or two.

      3. Shiny Penny*

        This is hilarious! I guess “leaking from under-use” might be unspoken because it doesn’t manifest for too many dishwasher users then?
        I batch cook infrequently (cooking for fun is NOT my thing), and do have a big dishwasher.
        But also I have:
        —a huge number of utensils/etc because I used to host family gatherings before Covid
        —an amusing assortment of human plates and bowls used for past cats/dogs/rabbits (which make me happy to continue to use)
        —a few different plate sets to fit different aesthetic moods :)

        Since I create all the dirty dishes, I can ensure they are not encrusted with any food bits— so I can pack the dishwasher pretty tight and it does a fine job. Even with the extra utensils in an extra wire basket!

    3. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      Sometimes menopause isn’t your periods stopping, but rather having an eternal period. (Layman’s rough framing being each month estrogen turns things on and progesterone turns things off, so if only the latter drops in your body…)

        1. Bathyphysa Conifera*

          And every medical person with whom I brought this up was like “Yup, sometimes that happens.” They had never previously mentioned it as a thing I might have to look forward to.

      2. Teacher Lady*

        OMG WHAT.

        I swear I need a mid-life version of the 5th grade seminar where they explained what periods are and that we have to wear deodorant.

      3. Onomatopoetic*

        Yes, that was a real nightmare. I got an infection and became severely anaemic, because for complicated reasons I didn’t get to a gynecologist for almost two months. Don’t wait that long if you can avoid it. My mental health took a toll as well. I’m so happy to be rid of that nonsense.

  34. FTHB*

    I am a first time homebuyer and met a seemingly nice realtor hosting an open house. We looked at 4 houses in the same neighborhood one afternoon, but she didn’t point out anything meaningful regarding the houses beyond reading off her phone from the listing while we were at each house and maybe remarking on how nice floors or cabinets were. When I remarked about things like the roof or crawl space or HVAC (like an odd mini split placement behind a bed), she had no feedback and seemed to be googling things as I asked.

    Afterwards, I asked her to pull some comps for one of the houses since I was potentially interested, though I thought the list price seemed high based on other similar listings; I also said I would want to see the house again before making any decisions. She said she would pull comps and to let her know if I wanted to go back to see the house again. Two days later, she still hasn’t sent me any comps (note: I am pre-approved for significantly higher than the list price, so this was not a case of me looking at houses I couldn’t afford).

    I don’t think I am going to go with that particular house after doing additional research on my own, but I also don’t think this realtor is the right fit. Appreciate any advice on one or more of my questions to make sure my expectations are not unrealistic:
    1. Was it okay for me to ask the realtor to pull comps when I wasn’t 100% certain on whether I would make an offer and wanted to see the house again first?
    2. What level of preparation/feedback should you expect from your realtor when going to look at a house? What are things a good realtor would direct your attention to?
    3. I didn’t sign a contract with this realtor. If she ever responds to me, should I just thank her for her time and say I’m going in a different direction?
    4. What are some questions I can ask other realtors to make sure they are more engaged/knowledgeable/informative during the home viewing process? I didn’t really interview the current realtor at all; the brokerage they are a salesperson for has great reviews, but I didn’t see any for this realtor specifically, which was probably a red flag.

    1. Just to clarify*

      It doesn’t sound like this was technically your realtor — just one you met at an open house??? So, you asked them to pull comps as if they were actually your buyer’s agent. I could be confused, but why would you expect that level of service from someone who’s not your contracted agent?

      1. FTHB*

        Sorry if I was unclear. The way I met them was at an open house and they said they would love the opportunity to be my realtor and show me houses. We then viewed the noted 4 houses together one afternoon afterwards.

        1. Bathyphysa Conifera*

          Did she meet beforehand with you to ask about what you wanted? And were you at the point in home shopping that a clear list had emerged?

          In a sellers’ market, often the best use of a realtor is to notify you that something that matches that list is about to come on the market.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Nah, you’re fine. I’ve worked with a lot of realtors and they’ve ranged from “so responsive they are pushy” to “johnny on the spot.” The very few who were slow or dropped the ball are definite outliers. And yes, you want someone who knows the neighborhood and the inventory beyond whatever they’re reading online.

      You were not wrong to ask her to act like your realtor, and since she’s not in fact acting like your realtor, you won’t be wrong to move on. But also, in the markets I’ve been in, it’s the sellers who sign a contract with the realtor, not the buyers. You’re allowed to move on to someone else even if you do have more of a previous relationship with the person.

      My guess is she’s just very new. If possible, you want someone who specializes in the area you’re interested in.

    3. Capybara Lambada*

      1. Yes, totally! 2. At the very least a realtor should be bringing to the table ideas/issues that you’re not seeing. They should be a good sounding board for your ideas & concerns. They should take your limits ($, school district, location, time to closing, whatever) into consideration and respect your limits. At a certain level, you should like this person. Maybe they’re not your favorite person EVER, but you shouldn’t actively dislike them, for sure! 3. Having “gone in a different direction” from a realtor who didn’t meet what I set out in #2, yes, that’s just fine. 4. I ALWAYS ask for a referral. If you have a great mortgage broker, try them. Or a more senior person at your job. Or a friend/ parent’s friend with money. When interviewing they should be knowledgeable, approachable, and meet #2. Get the right fit! This is a big purchase, a lot of money, and you want to feel good in the process. Good luck and have fun!! Congratulations.

      2. FTHB*

        Also, any suggestions on what to say if they follow up to my message that I’m going in another direction asking why? Should I be honest or just ignore it?

        1. Capybara Lambada*

          I was honest, since I thought the feedback might be helpful to him (I needed a quick closing for tax purposes and he was taking me to newly listed short sales which take MONTHS of negotiation). He was salty, but I also never interacted with him again so eh, who cares? If you don’t feel like dealing with it though, you can be vague and move on. Your call. :-)

        2. Not A Manager*

          I wouldn’t be honest. The information *might* benefit her, if she can hear it, but engaging would just be altruism on your part and it invites pushback. Either she’ll try to change your mind or you’ll make an enemy.

          I’d just be bland. “I realized I have limited time to engage at the moment,” “I really was just testing the waters,” etc. She’s not going to monitor you to see if you immediately pop off to another realtor, and if she does bump into you, everyone has saved face.

    4. Indolent Libertine*

      The realtors who are actually physically present at weekend open houses are always the most junior ones in any agency. Rarely is the person doing that an experienced agent with lots of their own listings. Best way to find a good agent is to ask people who have bought or sold homes recently who they used and whether they recommend them.

      1. FTHB*

        Lesson learned! The open house was actually her listing, but she seemed very inexperienced when we were actually looking at houses. I didn’t properly interview her (nor did she really interview me beyond my price range & desired location / number of bedrooms).

    5. Cat Mom*

      As someone also trying to buy a house, you need a new realtor. Ask how many years they’ve been working in the area. Better yet, get recommendations from people you know who love their homes. Meet them and talk to them before signing anything. Our realtor had already emailed us to get a basic idea of what we’re looking for and started looking at houses for us before we came in to the first meeting! She’s been amazing at the details of the houses, knows exactly which inspectors and repair people to call, has a great network to ask if she doesn’t know something, always answers very promptly, and was a great negotiator.

    6. Alan*

      Let me tell you about my realtor, whom I haven’t needed in 30 years but used for four separate transactions until then. First, high-energy, had an opinion on the amenities and condition and pricing for every property we saw. Never pushed us to sell/buy, always said “Unless you’re sure about this one, let’s keep looking. You can do better.” Planned houses that were in our price range and with the qualities/amenities we wanted. Knew what other houses were going for. (Did I say high-energy?) Asked for a contract immediately so far as I remember. He was looking out for me, but also for himself. Heard about him from multiple coworkers who had used him for purchases.

      It feels like your particular realtor was perhaps not very experienced. Some people go into real estate and rarely have a transaction — it’s often a side hustle. It’s on them to tell you the point at which they want commitment. They can be a perfectly fine realtor, but still not be the right realtor for *you*. They should be active participants in the relationship. They should be doing as much work as you are (IMHO).

      So…
      1. Sure, that’s okay. Anyone in sales “wastes” time on things that don’t go through. That’s part of the job.
      2. The realtor should be picking houses that fit what you’re looking for. They might not know what this is immediately (you might not either), but they should get there quickly.
      3. Sure, that’s fine. It’s on them if they didn’t try to lock you in.
      4. I would ask for references, or only call realtors that friends have used. Then make sure that their personality fits yours. For example, if you like data, make sure they’re good with data. Or if you want handholding during the process, make sure that they can work that way. If you want a great deal, look for a realtor that philosophically agrees and that won’t demand you make a choice after 2 days of showings.

      Good luck!

    7. Ellabee*

      Lots of good advice in this thread already. To address your question of what a good realtor should direct your attention to: Anything that could unexpectedly cost you a lot of money after you purchase. Evidence of water damage, problems with the foundation or roof, shoddy repairs, modifications or construction projects that look like they were done without a permit, etc. If you are considering properties within a homeowner association, a good realtor should also be able to help request minutes from recent HOA meetings/HOA financials and give you advice about red flags to look for there.

  35. Exterior Design Help*

    Need some opinions on house colors.

    We own a Mid-Atlantic colonial with white siding, French blue doors, and purplish-gray shutters. The shutters are in bad shape and need to be redone: sun fading, lichens, and bug messes. I think they can be salvaged if they are cleaned and scraped, but full replacement may be necessary.

    The problem is that the shutters match the gutters, soffiting, and garage trim. The latter three items are all equally sun faded, so they match the shutters, but they are in otherwise good condition and don’t currently need maintenance. Replacing all four things (shutters, gutters, soffits, garage trim) is not in the budget.

    I am not willing to introduce a fourth color (due to how symmetrical/matchy the house style is, and due to the fact that I have simple/minimalist taste). Thus, I see my options as:

    1. Take down the shutters without cleaning them and carry one to a paint store in its current state, to match a new coat of paint with the existing faded condition.
    2. Take down the shutters and repaint them to match the French blue door.
    3. A secret third option I have not thought of.

    I am more inclined toward option 1, for reasons I can’t quite articulate. Nonetheless, I am open to suggestions.

    2. Reba*

      Are the shutters functional or just decorative? If that latter, you could just do without. If you are definitely keeping them I’d say paint to match the door.

      I have tried getting a paint match off a sun-faded sample before and it was decidedly not great. Then you will still have a scheme that makes sense = vertical rectangles are blue, trim and gutters are gray. It might be nice to have more color!

    4. Capybara Lambada*

      Do you have a lot of sun fading on your house? If you do and you do option 1, it’ll highlight the fading that’s happening quite a bit. In that case 2 might be better, or just painting the original paint of #1. If you go this route (4?) it would introduce a 4th color for a bit but eventually would fade close to #1. ?? Hope this helps!

    5. Not A Manager*

      French blue. It’s going to be hard to match the faded color, and the other items will fade at a different rate than the new ones, so in a few years they won’t match. Also, the other bits will probably need to be replaced/maintained at some point, so now you’ll be matching Legacy Fading Double Prime and the experience will be chaotic.

    6. Llellayena*

      You say the other items don’t need maintenance or replacement but could you just paint them? Then you’d have a fresh new color for all the shutters and trim without the fading and it might be a really nice refresh for the whole house front.

  36. Who Plays Backgammon?*

    Happy Pi Day! Geometry is a good thing, and so is pie.

    There’s a Dutch apple in store for me today. x 1/2, because i will share.

    1. Jay (no, the other one)*

      Going to a Pi Day birthday part this evening! I’m bringing a sour cream apple pie and a caramelized onion galette. The galette is a *mess.* It will taste good if I can get over my embarrassment at how it looks and bring it anyway.

      1. Cosmic Crisp*

        Ooh, the galette sounds delicious! I know the feeling but I’m sure others will appreciate it.

        1. Jay (no, the other one)*

          It was delicious! My husband said “It’s a galette. It’s supposed to be rustic.” It’s possible I’m overly critical of myself.

      2. Who Plays Backgammon?*

        remember, people will eat it, so there will be no evidence left behind. tee hee

    2. Cosmic Crisp*

      Happy pi day! I felt like pumpkin, so that’s my contribution, my parents are making shepherd’s pie, and my sibling is making chicken pot pie from scratch. All will be delicious, I’m sure.

    3. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      The farm stand with the good pies had been razed when we stopped around 3, but my husband located two mini key lime tarts at the back of the refrigerated section and we made off with those.

  37. Marie*

    I moved from a mouse infested townhome to a mouse infested apartment. I’m not sure if I brought the mice with me or if they were already there, but here we go again. I had mice in my mattress and sofas in the townhome. I threw everything out when I moved out.

    I bought new furniture (bed, boxspring, sofa) when I moved into my apartment and they’re now in the them. I don’t eat in bed or when I’m sitting on the sofa. I clean. I don’t know what to do and am at my wits’ end. I can’t sleep or sit without feeling them. There’s mouse droppings. It’s bad.

    The lease agreement makes it sound that the lessee is responsible for taking care of things like this. Should I just set up traps? Call an exterminator? I don’t know what to do as a renter and/or if I have to notify the property management company. Any advice is much appreciated.

    1. FTHB*

      Oh no! I’m currently in an apartment and would definitely call the landlord immediately (or submit a request over their online portal, depending on how they are set up) so they can get pest control in to deal with this. If you just moved in, I think this is a reasonable request for them to handle, regardless of what the lease says. I highly doubt you brought the mice with you, but don’t make any mention of the problem at your old place when speaking with the apartment management.

    2. Cosmic Crisp*

      My lease says very aggressively that if I see pests, it is my responsibility to contact property management immediately so they can bring in an exterminator. I agree with the advice not to mention possibly bringing them with you, just say they’re there and you want them gone.

    3. Reba*

      Definitely call the property manager. In a multi-family building, it doesn’t make sense for tenants to tackle it individually, the whole building needs treatment. Sorry you’re dealing with this!

        1. Hello, it's me*

          No guarantee that would help. My kitty would be the first one leaping up on the chair.

    5. Alex*

      If you threw away all your stuff I don’t see how you could have brought the mice with you! This is definitely your landlord/property management’s problem. At least in my state, and probably others, landlords are responsible for pest control unless you rent the entire building (like if you rented a house). So call them ASAP.

    6. goddessoftransitory*

      If it’s an apartment the management company should be dealing with this–I’m willing to bet you have a neighbor who is messy. Even if you kept your place like an operating room they’ll get in if they’re in the building in general.

      If they refuse call your local housing authority.

    7. Clara Bowe*

      Also, read your local renters/tenants ordinances. In Chicago those override lease agreements and part of those is directions on how to address pest/infestation notification. There is usually an outlined process of notification (usually you want to have proof of written notification with a date stamp), with follow up steps.

      This process helped several friends of mine bail on really bad situations, because infestation can sometimes be a reason for a tenant to break a lease without fees/required return of a security deposit.

    8. Leafy Greens*

      Some cities are just prone to mice. San Francisco is one, because it’s built on sand, but I’m sure there are others.

      1. Agamemnon*

        Please don’t suggest both at once. The cat will eat a poisoned mouse with a poison known to be systemic. Bad advice.

    10. Ali + Nino*

      Ugh SO sorry you are dealing with this! I would recommend sticky traps and poison bait that the rodents can take back to their nests. It’s really sucks and I hope it’s resolved asap.

      1. Katie A*

        Do not use sticky traps. They’re cruel.

        I had mice and the stress drove me a little crazy and I lost friends. However, that was not a justification for using glue traps. They don’t kill the mice, so they die slowly and injure themselves trying to get away. Even if you do check them every hour or so, including at night, you then need to kill the mice yourself to relieve their suffering. There are alternatives.

        Use snap traps or electric traps instead (along with poison, if it makes sense for your situation). Check them regularly, as well, but they are meant to kill, unlike glue traps.

  38. Bookworm in Stitches*

    Changing of the clocks last week! The battery operated clock above our kitchen sink has been set a few minutes fast. I asked my husband (taller than me) to keep it set like that when he changed it to daylight saving time. It’s helpful for me to go by that clock as I fall out the door on my way to work. When I get in my car I find that I’m not actually running late. My current car’s clock is linked to my smart phone but my old car wasn’t and I always kept that clock set a few minutes fast, too. Anyone else want to share time stories?

    1. Sitting Pretty*

      During COVID lockdown, my son was in middle school and hated online schoolwork with a white hot passion. Getting him to stay focused to 15 or 20 minutes was so hard! Someone recommended getting an analog clock and hanging it right in front of his workspace. We hadn’t realized how every clock in the house was digital, and even though kids can read the numbers, they don’t get a sense of the actual passage of time.

      The analog clock made so much more sense! He could look up and see how far the hand had moved (or not). It gave us a better common reference point. It’s wild how differently the brain processes digits vs. area when it comes to time

      2. Bathyphysa Conifera*

        That’s a good point about grasping the passage of time.

        “Clockwise” derives from how the shadow of a sundial moves from dawn to dusk in the northern hemisphere.

      3. vulturestalker*

        I agree strongly with this! I’ve always preferred analog clocks. With digital, I often look without really *seeing*, and my brain doesn’t always process that time has passed without doing subtraction in my head.

    2. Percy Weasley*

      I keep the clock in the car 4 min. fast. It started years ago (2 cars ago!) by accident & works for me for some odd reason. It’s a small enough amount of time that I can’t really plan around it, but gives me a couple of minutes of grace when timing is tight. And it’s the only clock in my life I set this way.

    3. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      Just before starting kindergarten my son decided he was never leaving my side again. (Despite enjoying preschool and the early summer camp he had attended with no problem.) The teacher made him a little velcro schedule of the day (Storytime; Numbers; Play; Music) and he would rip each item off as it was completed. Visually chunking the time in a way similar to Sitting Pretty’s son.

    4. Jay (no, the other one)*

      It took me years to realize that my therapist kept the clock in her office set ten minutes fast. When I finally noticed, she told me I was the first client in 20 years who had figured it out.

  39. No Tribble At All*

    Need some advice for upcoming toddler video call with the far-away grandparents. Little guy is deeply uninterested in the video calls, sometimes doesnt like when we have the phone pointed at him, and sometimes says “no gamma no gampa”. The calls mean a lot to the in-laws. But they’re also just…. Bad at interacting with him? MIL will shout “boo!” and make silly faces because that’s what entertained him as a 6 month old. He’s over two now and doesn’t like the random “boo!”

    We have a shared photo album online with them, but I paused updating it after the last call when MIL said “hey little guy, don’t you want me to come to your house to play with you in person? Wouldn’t you like that? Grandma would loooooove that!” without actually asking us, the grownups. She’s had boundary issues before, so Bad MIL, no photos for a week (didn’t tell her that) but then I just forgot to update it lol.

    We want to continue having a good relationship with them, but how do I say “could you stop being the most annoying people on god’s green earth and maybe then your grandson will like you?”

    1. WS*

      My brother and sister-in-law were on the other side of the world with a small baby during the Covid lockdowns. Their daughter also disliked video calls from the age of about 18 months to 4 years, though she loves them now. What worked well for us was she and one parent would do an activity she enjoyed (like building Lego or decorating cupcakes) while the other parent chatted and kept the camera on them. She was much happier about chatting and showing what she was doing than having to stay in front of the camera.

    2. Alan*

      Is there any way you could get together with them in person? Because it doesn’t sound like anyone here is doing anything wrong. Your son isn’t necessarily going to want video calls with people he doesn’t know. That’s not a reasonable expectation at all. And your MIL/FIL don’t have any basis for knowing how to interact with him, might be taking it personally, and probably just desperately want to be a part of his life. I would cut everyone here some slack, and maybe try to find ways that they could interact more in person, so your son knows who these people are, and so your MIL can figure out how to get her grandma fix in a way that the kid actually likes.

    3. HannahS*

      Sending my sympathy. We’ve got one grandparent who is loving but just so bad on the phone with my kid but also really wants to talk to her and feels hurt when it doesn’t work.

      Two approaches:

      1. I’m not meaning to intrude, but I wonder if your partner could take over the video calls so it’s less annoying for you and no one blames you if it doesnt go well, i.e. make this Not Your Problem

      2. 24h before the call send a text “Hey MIL/FIL, grandson hasn’t been as interested in screens lately but I was thinking we could do snack and a story together, do you want to maybe have a snack ready?” And then you sit your kid down at the table with a snack, pop the phone in a phone stand so they can see, and read your son a story. Give lots of positive reinforcement (“Grandma and grandpa are having a snack with us! We’re having pears and cake. What are you having, Grandma and Grandpa? Oh yum! Ok everyone, let’s read this story!”) i.e. you just talk and run the show but they feel like they participated. Maybe they’ll get to a point where they can read the story.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I don’t see the connection between offering to visit and not getting updated photos, and I’ll bet MIL doesn’t either. This particular thing sounds both punitive and passive-aggressive. Also, she was making conversation. Do you really think your toddler is going to form an ongoing expectation and be sad that Grandma doesn’t show up in six weeks like she said she would?

      I suggest a shared activity. Have them read a book to him on their end, while you hold the same book for him to look at/turn the pages. Call them during bath time and everyone can sing bathtub songs. Also, toddlers have famously short attention spans. Keep the toddler part of the call short and then let them talk to an adult. Possibly your spouse.

      1. A Reader*

        Yeah, it would be extremely surprising if an adult human thought that a positive response from a toddler constituted permission to come visit for a week? (And it doesn’t even sound like the kid was like “Heck yes, can Grandma come right this second?”) OP, it sounds like you want to set boundaries but you have no idea how to do so, so you’re just finding little ways to needle at your MIL. I agree that you need to let your spouse take the lead on these interactions, but I think you also need to do some reflecting and have some conversations beforehand and begin to work out whether things your ILs say/do are actually a problem, versus things you simply don’t like.

        1. No Tribble At All*

          She has done things like that before — when kid was a baby, she’d hear him babbling and say “he says he loves grandma the best! He says he wants grandma to hold him!” and then look expectantly at us, holding out her arms. And talk over us when we were talking to the baby. So she 100% tries to use the kids to say what she wants. Fortunately kid didn’t react at all when she said “don’t you want me to come over and play with you???”

          Husband’s opinion was “if she actually wants to visit, she can ask us like a grownup” which I agree with.

          2. Louisa*

            Okay, but in that moment, was there a real reason for her to not hold the baby? (Ex. baby was fussy and she didn’t know how to soothe him, she was covered in radioactive waste, you knew baby was about to vomit, you had just returned from being away and wanted some closeness with the baby, you had reason to think she would physically harm baby, etc.?) Or were you just annoyed because she was doing a thing that does sound annoying, but was not actually harmful? Because people ascribe thoughts and ideas to little kids all the time, and that can be problematic, but this sounds pretty harmless. Obviously no adult in that situation would hear her respond that way and go, “Wow, MIL is a baby-whispering genius, we should all throw our weight behind her as the parental authority!”

            1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

              “she was covered in radioactive waste.” Bwahahaha!

      2. No Tribble At All*

        Yknow what, this made me realize I was being punitive and passive aggressive. Plus as another commenter said, pictures make them feel more involved and are less effort on my part (I take a thousand pictures of this kid anyway).

        I uploaded a bunch of photos and added captions. I was being petty.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          Just wanted to say good for you for being open-minded, hearing these points, and acting on them. Well done!

        3. Still*

          Thank you for modeling that you can change your mind and admit you were wrong without it being a big deal, and without getting defensive. I’ll try to remember and emulate this.

    5. Rara Avis*

      Could they read his favorite book to him? Copies on both ends, because reading while showing pictures might be tough for a non-librarian/ non-preschool teacher.

    6. Asloan*

      It sounds like you really dislike these people. Can you ask your spouse to be point on this and be away when the calls happen? Sometimes I get so overly invested in other people having a good time or not getting their feelings hurt that I end up caring almost more than they do about things. The best thing for everybody at that point is that I take a step back.

    7. Dark Macadamia*

      I hate doing video calls with the kids. It’s like the worst of every possible dynamic with very little benefit, lol.

      1. The thing my kids seemed to enjoy the most (at around ages 2 and 5) was basically show and tell. They would run back and forth bringing toys to show the grandparents and the adults would chat in between while they were retrieving things. This allows grandparents to see kiddo’s personality and kiddo to direct the conversation in a way that’s fun for him.

      2) Limit the amount of time for the call.

      3) Stop being on the call. Presumably your partner enjoys the in-laws more than you do (dislikes them less?) and feels more able to tell them off if needed. You don’t need to be there!

      4) The photos thing is really weird to me because it seems like that’s overall a better point of connection than the calls! If your kid doesn’t enjoy the calls, and the in-laws don’t know how to interact on the calls… just don’t do them? Send MORE pictures so they feel involved without saying things to your kid that upset you. Your partner can do normal voice calls with them to tell all the cute kiddo stories and have kiddo do a quick hello at the beginning or end (I feel like now that we have the OPTION of video people tend to default to it, but imo it is usually a worse experience than a normal phone call and we should go back to appreciating good ol’ talking on the phone as its own thing rather than trying to poorly replicate being in person).

    8. BellStell*

      Your partner needs to step in more here as others have said. Do the show and tell thing. Keep calls to 15 min or so.

    9. Still*

      Your MIL is not a dog. There is a difference between establishing reasonable boundaries that are clearly communicated and relevant (“You’re being rude so I’m hanging up”), and punishing her in a way she probably won’t even understand because you’re annoyed with her.

      You don’t owe her the pictures and it’s understandable that you might be less inclined to put time into sending them when you’re annoyed with her, but framing it as “bad grandma, no treat for you” suggests you’re not treating her as an equal in a way that’s going to promote a healthy relationship.

      Also, it’s possible that your kid senses you hate these calls and that’s probably making him hate them too. Little kids tend to be excited about the stuff that their parents like, because they want to be involved in the fun.

    10. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      Could they read him a book, with you turning the pages?

      WS’s suggestion reminds me of the letter earlier this week about camera on for group Zoom calls, and that looking someone right in the face for an extended period is not how natural communication works–that’s a sign of great intimacy, and in a group you would have less direct views of people’s faces. For why “Let’s have an extended face to face” might not work for toddlers.

      I recall an experiment with early childhood learning, in which the researchers thought in-person and video instruction would be equivalent, but audio-only less effective. It turned out both the audio and video instruction bounced right off the kids, and they didn’t learn the thing unless there was a meatspace human interacting with them.

      Video interaction is a learned thing that takes practice (so is understanding a 2D picture of the 3D world), and it might be that it just doesn’t mesh well with toddlers, who need to grind through some time to be better at abstraction. I could see “watching TV” being cognitively like watching a construction site, or a bird feeder–the child is taking in the patterns, but not expected to direct the action or answer questions.

    11. Pocket Mouse*

      Don’t expect/require the toddler to behave with a video call the way you do, such as looking at the other party on the screen, focusing on the interaction rather than doing something else, etc.). We either show the toddler eating a meal with the front camera so they can see each other, or use the back camera to show the toddler playing with a many-piece toy on the floor. The adults talk until the toddler wants to interact, sometimes with prompting (“Do you want to show us/Grandma what you built?”) and sometimes not. Either way, the kid is welcome to focus on something else.

      I’d also suggest sharing videos that include you or your spouse interacting with the kid and the kid enjoying the interaction. If Grandma doesn’t get the hint—she definitely won’t—after a few more videos and calls and months in which she’s not spending time with the kid in person, or just before the next time she does spend time in person, you (but preferably your spouse) can directly tell the grandparents, “Toddler is growing so much! These are the toys he’s into these days, he loves [x activity], and it’s been a pleasure being able to have real conversations with him. He’s definitely not a baby anymore and really wants to be treated like a kid. You can see from the videos we’ve shared how much he’s changed since the last time you saw him.” Then, when she does something he doesn’t appreciate, “He used to really love that, but now he only sees people do it to babies, and he’ll be the first to tell you he’s not a baby anymore.” (Suggested scripts, obviously, as I don’t know where in toddlerhood your kid is!)

    12. Big picture*

      What’s the overall goal, and maybe take a look from a much wider POV? It sounds like you don’t like your in laws very much, and maybe that’s justified. Maybe, honestly, they don’t like you very much for their own reasons. Putting all that aside, what would give your son the best chance to form his own positive connections and bonds with them? Not just now, but over time? You’re very focused on the next call, but maybe projecting over the course of his life would make the littler things (in retrospect) less important and annoying. This is all in service to creating those long-lasting, meaningful bonds that can provide such a great foundation for his life. He may be a parent too someday, and what you model will find its way back to you!!

    13. Reading abroad*

      Phone calls at this age are hard! It will be an uphill battle sometimes, no matter what. However, I have two sets of grandparent calls and one works generally better than the other. The one that works better is the one where the grandparents are very proactive: they have toys handy, they think up small age-appropriate stories and act them out with the toys, they have books to read and give the kid a choice of which ones, they ask questions and want to see the kid’s toys (even if they cant see them because the kid doesn’t know where the camera is) and on and on. Sometimes they’re like kid-TV, where they’re in a one sided entertainment roll. But being patient through those calls pays off big time because the kid WANTS to call them!

      The one that doesn’t work as well is the one where the grands wait for input from the kid. They’re really passive about everything except the scheduling. The kid just … doesn’t know how to interact over the phone like that! Little littles are so hands-on and kinetic and a screen with people trying to do adult style small talk just doesn’t click. So no impulses from the kid means long quiet stretches while the grands wait for answers, so the kid checks out and wants to leave. Which is a shame because these grands are FANTASTIC in person! In person there’s all sorts of ways to interact and signal interest and get input that just doesn’t translate well to the screen.

      So: if your in laws arent able or willing to be super proactive and entertaining, can you figure out a way to do some of that for them? The books/snack time/shared activities ideas above are great but I bet there are others, possibly more personal too. Good luck!

    14. Courageous cat*

      They don’t sound that annoying. I think you’re the one that’s annoyed, not him (he’s a toddler! He will have moods about being given the wrong color plate). I would address your personal gripes with them separately but keep your kid out of it, don’t weaponize him – let them have a relationship with them. Being punitive about it is weird.

  40. Hypatia*

    looking for suggestions for a book/novel/short story that has anthropomorphism in it? We’ve done several (like Animal Farm, Redwall, Maus) but was hoping for something a little different and maybe short.

    2. RetiredAcademicLibrarian*

      The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein is narrated by a dog.

      Toto by A. J. Hackworth is the Wizard of Oz from Toto’s snarky point of view.

      The Tale of Tallest Rabbit by Rodrigo López is about a girl who stumbles into a strange world of talking animals and other fantastic creatures.

      Dog Person by Camille Pagán is coming out next month – it’s a fantastic book from the dog’s point of view as he tries to get his human back into the world after their beloved partner dies.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I always thing of Watership Down when I see comments here from Hlao-roo. I enjoyed the novel when I read it many years ago.

    5. Helvetica*

      The Travelling Cat Chronicles by Hiro Arikawa. It is sweet and delightful but fair warning, it also has elements of sadness.

    6. Fellow Traveller*

      101 Dalmations (I just finished reading this with ky kids last night!)
      Cricket in Times Square
      Bunicula
      Three Bags Full and Big Bad Wool

    8. I’m not AI—I just live m-dashes*

      The rivers of London has a few shorts told by/about his niece and her exploits assured by the foxes. Think they may also come in graphic novel format.

      Phantom tollbooth (Tock the watchdog, the spelling bee, etc).

    9. GoryDetails*

      Firmin by Sam Savage is told from the viewpoint of a rat who grew up with books – first eating them, and then apparently having absorbed enough knowledge to enjoy reading them. It does get pretty poignant in places, but I enjoyed it very much.

    10. GoryDetails*

      Oh, and some of the Discworld books – notably, The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, in which a sentient cat teams up with a group of sentient mice. And Moving Pictures has Gaspode the Wonder Dog as a key character (though he has to share the pages with assorted humans).

      And not to forget the “Temeraire” series by Naomi Novik, with the sentient dragons making up half of the cast!

    11. Chaordic One*

      Sometimes, when I want a simple-minded “comfort read” to sort of veg out to, I’ll reread the “Winnie-the-Pooh” series (by A. A. Milne).

    12. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Margery Sharp’s 1959 book *The Rescuers* and its 1960s sequels, featuring the daring and adventurous mouse Miss Bianca and her faithful mouse friend Bernard as they undertake a number of secret missions. I !@#$!@#ing LOVED these when I was a tween, but I think older people might enjoy them too.

    14. Workerbee*

      “The House on East 88th Street,” “Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile,” and others by Bernard Waber.

      “Miss Suzy” by Miriam Young (the sequels can be harder to get).

      “Uncle Elephant” and “Owl at Home” by Arnold Lobel.

      “Haunted House” by Jan Pienkowski (super fun pop-up / secret doorways book with lurking monsters, with narration provided by a mouse who is convinced he’s just seeing things and has called in a doctor mouse for a house call).

      “Warwick’s 3 Bottles” by Andre Hodeir & Tomi Ungerer.

      “Weasels” by Elys Doran (they’re plotting world domination).

    15. AlabamaAnonymous*

      The Frog and Toad series by Arnold Lobel may be too short/easy, but they have always been one of my favorites.
      The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (and the rest of the Narnia series) have anthropomorphic animals that interact with humans.
      The Tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter and the rest of the series
      The One and Only Ivan by Katherine Applegate
      The Hank the Cowdog series by John R. Erickson is hilarious and are easy to read. The audio books read by the author are the best, if you can find them.

    16. Poquito Gordito Pinguino*

      Beatrice and Virgil by Yann Martel. Less well known than Life of Pi but excellent and not long.

    1. Pam Adams*

      There’s a modern sequel to Wind in the Willows, The River Bank, written by Kij Johnson. Female animals exist, and have agency.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re the sequel – I hadn’t heard of that! I love Kij Johnson’s work – the collection At The Mouth of the River of Bees is awesome – and will definitely look up this one.

  42. Teapot Translator*

    Guys, I forgot to share: until March 18, the National Theatre of London is broadcasting The Importance of Being Earnest, free on YouTube. I just watched it and it’s great fun.

    1. Venus*

      Thank you! i have heard such good things about the play but haven’t actually watched it so I’ll do that today. I saw it on youtube but didn’t know if it was any good, so your recommendation is helpful.

    2. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Ooh, I might check that out — thank you for the tip!

  43. Penguin*

    What’s a worry you have right now in a single sentence?

    I’m worried about the tender we put in at work and my family member who is severely unwell.

    6. allathian*

      I’m worried about my mom who’s living with a terminal illness and my dad who’s getting increasingly frail.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

        That’s a whole lot to handle at once. I know it’s really hard, but do try to do some things that you personally enjoy if you can, even while everything is collapsing. It’s good to have just a little break from the stresss. When my Dad was sick, I found there was a huge improvement in my mental welbeing when I was able to go to band rehearsals and have just a couple of hours when I wasn’t thinking about him and his troubles.

        Sending you good vibes across the miles.

    7. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Aside from *gestures to everything*, more specifically, I’m worried about whether I’ll meet a deadline at that place we don’t talk about on the weekend.

      Good luck to everyone with their worries — I hope you all get the best possible outcome, knock wood!

    8. Might Be Spam*

      I’m worried that I have a pinched nerve that might need surgery, instead of just long-lasting muscle spasms.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      “Severe weather likely this evening into tonight – Widespread damaging straight line winds, Potential for brief tornadoes embedded within the line.”

  44. BellStell*

    We have chatted here before about eating stuff traditionally for dinner instead for breakfast and vice versa. Dinner two nights ago was a thick soup that is now Sunday breakfast. It has made six large serving bowls.

    Stew made from
    1/2 cup Red lentils
    1/2 cup Quinoa
    1 medium white Onion diced
    1 medium Leek chopped small
    1/2 cup shredded red Cabbage
    1 large Carrot diced
    4 tablespoons of seeds of Flax
    1/4 cup brown Rice
    1/2 Turnip
    1 tablespoon Paprika spicy paste
    1 tablespoon veg bouillon

    Cook them all over low to medium heat in a large pot with 8 cups water until everything simmers down and is cooked. Took me about 3 hours. I reheated half today for breakfast!

    1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Yum! I’ll bet you had great energy from that all day, too! : )

  45. curly sue*

    What goes with baked beans for dinner? I was never really big on baked beans and we rarely had them when I was a kid, but I’m trying to incorporate more legumes into my diet.

    I’ve found a maple-and-molasses recipe that I really like, and I’ve made them a couple of times, but I find myself at a loss when figuring out what to have with them for the rest of the meal. Beans on toast and beanie-weenies feel like breakfast and lunch dishes. I’ve had beans over a baked potato, which felt a little more dinner-like, but then I run out of ideas.

    Are there green vegetables that go well with beans, to cut some of the richness? We don’t eat pork or shellfish, but do eat beef, poultry, and fish… The beans recipe is pareve, so non-meat-containing dairy options for sides are fine, too. Any suggestions?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have put bbq baked beans into homemade macaroni and cheese – with and without pulled pork, it’s really good either way. As far as green vegetables, I actually really like green beans with baked beans, heh.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        You could do the baked beans with a beef brisket, or with roasted or bbq chicken drumsticks as well.

        1. curly sue*

          I never would have thought of mac and cheese, but that sounds pretty good! And green beans are definitely an option. I’ll have to give that a try – thank you!

    2. Bathyphysa Conifera*

      Corn bread, or other bread–baked beans are saucy, and so something to absorb the sauce.

      Chicken thighs, barbecued in the summer and pan-fried or roasted in the winter. Salmon would stand up well to beans. With beef I’d go for something like pot roast or brisket.

      Spinach and apples tossed with lemon juice and salt is a good salad to cut richness, without adding it in the dressing.

      1. curly sue*

        Chicken thighs/drumsticks seem to be the consensus! Baked chicken of varying sorts is on our usual recipe rotation, so that sounds like an easy combination to try. I don’t think I’ve ever had a spinach and apple salad, but it’s an intriguing idea. Is there a specific type of apple that works best?

        1. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

          I’d try something flavorful and maybe a little sweet — Fuji, maybe?

        2. Bathyphysa Conifera*

          I use sweet crisp apples like Fuji or Mutsu. The lemon keeps them from browning and adds a little acidic dressed flavor.

    3. I’m not AI—I just live m-dashes*

      Our kosher deli serves it with knockwurst. I also second with chicken (bbq or blackened )

      1. curly sue*

        My town has no kosher deli, alas, and I wasn’t a fan of the vegan “sausage” I tried from the halal section of the grocery store (the only existing non-pork sausage option in town, other than all-beef hot dogs). Knockwurst is definitely out. Chicken sounds like a winner, though!

    4. Not A Manager*

      I find baked beans to be so filling, I’d just serve them with a vinegar-forward green salad.

      This isn’t traditional, but you could also serve them over rice. If I were looking for a meat option, I think I’d do chicken thighs with barbecue sauce. Obviously my tastes run to cutting the richness with acidic flavors. You could do polenta/grits. I think brussels sprouts would be nice side veggie, too.

      1. curly sue*

        It definitely feels like it needs something acidic with it; we likely have similar palates. I’m not a fan of grits, though (texture issues). The green salad with a vinaigrette would be really nice!

      2. Bluebell Brenham*

        I was thinking a nice arugula salad on the side, maybe topped with toasted nuts to add some crunch and protein, and a lemony vinaigrette.

    5. HannahS*

      Might feel too brunch-y but a take on a full English breakfast might be nice. I’d do beans, toast, eggs however you like, and sautéed mushrooms with spinach or kale.

      Baked beans on a bun with a green salad might feel more like a sloppy Joe and less like beans on toast.

      1. curly sue*

        I did ‘breakfast for dinner’ the first time I made baked beans – mushrooms, eggs, pancakes, etc. It was fun, but not something I want to do regularly. My 14 year old son loved it, mind you. I might try it again and add grilled tomatoes or something, to make the plate less beige.

    6. Chauncy Gardener*

      We always had beef dogs with beans when we were growing up, plus carrot and celery sticks on the side. But we were pretty poor…

      1. curly sue*

        Definitely not knocking the beanie-weenie option – I quite liked it. I’m just on the hunt for variety.

    7. Fit Farmer*

      I eat a lot of beans, but rarely as a pile of beans prepared as a side dish. I think canned black beans are fairly innocuous, and can serve as a base for a number of things I already eat — soups/stews (also lentils for that), stir-fry, any sort of American “Mexican”-inspired dish, in a fresh vegetable salsa eaten with chips, etc. There are also canned garbanzo beans to go in pasta-type dishes if that’s your thing. Chili can be heavily bean-y. I suppose this doesn’t answer your question about baked beans (I don’t really like them!), but addresses the larger topic of “ways to eat more legumes” separately from “what dishes are made of beans.”

      1. curly sue*

        I make chili variations fairly often! This question is really just about the puzzle of baked beans.

    8. JustEm*

      I like them with something a little creamy, like coleslaw, potato salad, or Mac and cheese. Can also do cornbread or other bread option especially if you do coleslaw. Then add a green salad with a lemon or vinegar based dressing

    9. Chaordic One*

      I like them with corned beef, meat loaf, or petite sirloin steaks. (My grocery store will frequently have petite sirloin steaks on sale and I buy a big (for me) package of them and will cook one and then put the rest in individual freezer bags and freeze them.)

      I think baked beans go well with carrots, onions, celery, and/or sliced bell pepper. Other people seem to like them with corn and/or green beans.

    10. i vacuumed today!*

      not the answer to your question, but a favourite salad is white beans chopped tomato, cucumber, pepper, feta cheese and spinach or kale, olives if you’re feeling it. somewhat like a greek salad, with extra white beans for protein and some extra spinach/kale.

    11. I take tea*

      This is not exactly what you asked, but a really easy way to add legumes to your diet is making red lentil mash. One part red lentils, two parts water. Season as you like, but I recommend pretty neutral. At the moment I go with miso paste, pepper and bay leaf. Cook until mushy, stir now and then to help with the mushiness. It is pretty runny when it’s done, but will firm up after refrigeration. Eat it as a side dish instead of potato mash/ pasta/rice etc. It keeps for a week or so in the fridge.

  46. Once too often*

    Shout out to anyone dealing with cancer or another serious disease. May your team be warm & kind, your treatment ideally crafted for you, & your people keep close.

  47. An Australian In London*

    At 725 comments already I know almost no-one will read this. That’s OK. :)

    Because Reasons, I had a 3-month window where I could access top of the line private medical insurance through my UK employer – it covered both chronic and pre-existing conditions. I have made vigorous use of this.

    Last week I completed a formal ADHD assessment, and surprising no-one who knows me, was diagnosed with ADHD. I thought I was predominantly inattentive type but it seems I have in fact the combined type. (My wife is not surprised.)

    I was surprisingly emotional about it. I was blinking back tears. I have been resistant to this for a long time, mostly out of a sense that ADHD is self-diagnosed to what seems like a ridiculous extent in my field and in my “tribes”.

    With the diagnosis I was … mourning, I guess, for the younger me, who has apparently been swimming against the current their whole life, and often had it ascribed to character and will. How much different would their life have been if this was known 20 or 40 years ago?

    Then again as my wife says: I’m a heart patient and only found that out at 51, so if I’d been put on any of the three standard drugs, they almost certainly would have given me a heart attack and/or stroke.

    (If anyone is curious what can a ADHD cardiac patient can take: guanfacine.)

    1. Hypatia*

      A diagnosis like that will always bring some amount of looking back and regretting why not having it earlier. My son, a high school senior, has always been a different kind of kid. His quirks were thought to be personality ( very stubborn, obstreperous, etc) but managed to get by until high school when it all came crashing down. Finally got an anxiety diagnosis – then realized ADHD had been there too. He’s had a crappy hs career and no friends. He doesn’t mind so much, but I wonder if we had gotten the diagnoses early in his school years, he would have been better off. He’s doing okay on guafacine, and I just hope going into the working world or junior college will help him thrive.
      May you have good health and great success with this new information!

    2. Generic Name*

      It sounds like you’re grieving a bit for how things could have been if you got diagnosed earlier. That’s very understandable and I went through something similar when my son to diagnosed as autistic at 14. Had he been diagnosed earlier, his time in elementary school would have been a lot different, for example. What helps me is remembering Maya Angelou’s words: when you know better you do better. You did your best with the information you had at the time. And now you can use the new information going forward. Maybe forgive yourself knowing there were things at play you didn’t understand.

    3. Shiny Penny*

      That must have been a pretty strange experience, finding out something significant about yourself, so much later in the game. I can see the temptation to fall into the “if only” game, or to be critical of your past self.
      However, to me, your experience is a good illustration of the idea that people should be kind to **themselves,** all the time, just as much as to strangers.
      Sometimes it’s hard not to get really harsh and judgmental towards ourselves, when we don’t measure up to our own expectations— but most people are actually doing the best they can, given their current knowledge/experience/limitations. That includes you and me! I hope you treated yourself kindly in your life, and I hope this new diagnosis makes it easier to be kind to yourself going forward. And makes life easier in general, of course!
      (Also, I’m impressed that you were able to efficiently make progress with only a three month window of access to better healthcare resources. Lot’s of points to you!)

    4. Squirrel Nutkin (the teach, not the admin)*

      Hugs! I too was pretty late-diagnosed (in my 50s), and I too would have had unfortunate bodily effects from most ADHD meds. (The diagnosis does explain my love for coffee in my youth, but I too can’t have much caffeinated coffee now for health reasons.)

      I’ve tried to reframe the “should have known earlier” with, “Well, that explains some stuff!” Knowing what’s up doesn’t fix the fact that I still have a lot of trouble starting tasks or turning things in before the very last minute or leaving the house or not causing a chaotic mess wherever I roost, but at least I blame myself less now, and I’m sometimes able to figure out strategies to mitigate some of the problems. I find the ADHD subreddits on Reddit can be helpful with some of these things.

      In another way, I’m kind of glad I didn’t know when I was younger. Granted, I missed plenty of opportunities because of the ADHD (applying for academic jobs frantically by FedEx on the very last day applications are accepted is NOT the way to go to get interviews), but I also learned to be resilient and managed to carve out a reasonable career anyway, even if it took me quite a while. I may just be thinking typically for my generation, but I kind of feel like if I’d known the diagnosis earlier, I might have leaned too much on it and might not have become as independent and self-sufficient and resilient as I am. The struggles have made me a tough little cookie!

      On the other hand, I’m really sorry that people impugned your character and will when you were struggling — that totally sucks (as do those folks who made you feel bad). I hope the diagnosis eventually gives you peace and some tools to use to make life go more like you want it to go. I’ll give a shout out to the book *How to Keep House While Drowning* that is recommended here every so often. It has some good ideas about accepting how your brain works and adjusting your self care and household maintenance accordingly.

      Good luck!

    5. Antisloa*

      I see a lot of others have already addressed the very common “wish I’d known sooner” regret, but wanted to say something about your other point because I also really wrestle with it. I’m in a group of people who seem to go through some phases all at the same time, like “my hair is actually wavy and that’s my entire personality now!” or “I am a woman diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and now that explains all my failings and you’re not allowed to be mad at me any more” to “I’m happily married to a man but it’s important that everyone acknowledge me as LGBTQ because I’m bicurious in my heart while never planning to act on it.” I know can be b*tchy and judgemental and Mr-Bennet-esque sometimes and constantly observing the foibles in others doesn’t help. But at the point where I’m afraid to do something I want because I don’t want to be “just like the others” is where I have to step back and take some deep breaths and then go take a walk or something. Forgive other people, forgive yourself, give everyone lots of grace, try to remind yourself we’re all doing our best to muddle through etc. You can have ADHD and not have to make it mean more than it does. We can be on what feels like a boring journey we’ve all seen before and still have it feel important to you. We’re all just doing our best.

    6. AlabamaAnonymous*

      Similar to you, I got diagnosed with the inattentive type at age 50. For me, there was a profound sense of relief (I knew something was wrong with me!) but also a lot of grief (for what my life could have been). Fortunately, I was already working with a therapist, so I was able to process through those feelings with her. But I cried a lot(!) especially in the first couple months. Now, two years later, I have moved through most of those negative emotions so that I can have a sense of wonder and excitement and all there is to still learn about myself and how my brain works. I still have moments of grief for the past, but most of the time I can look forward with excitement to see what trick I can come up with to make my brain do what I want it to.

    7. An Australian In London*

      I was not expecting any replies at all. I knew in abstract that the comments here heavily tend to the wholesome and lovely. This is the first time I’ve been on the receiving end.

      Thank you all.

      Great advice about kindness and being forward-looking.

    8. KathyG*

      My elder sister was diagnosed at age 62; she was the only one surprised when she scored practically off the charts. For her, it was revelatory. A very small dose of Ritalin not only gave her focus, but also allowed her to sit still without effort for the first time in her life. She too had had a lifetime of being told that she was lacking in character & self-discipline. The diagnosis was a huge relief because it explained so much. Her view was not so much mourning that it hadn’t been diagnosed earlier, but rather that she was glad to have to information going forward.

  48. anonfed*

    An update to a question I asked in a previous weekend open thread a few weeks ago:

    I was looking for a letter where an employee was dying and being an asshole about it. Several letters were suggested that met that description (!) but none were the exact one I was looking for.

    I’ve just come across the one I was looking for: “my employee is being rude to others — but I think it’s from the stress of cancer” https://www.askamanager.org/2019/02/my-employee-is-being-rude-to-others-but-he-has-cancer.html

    Turned out I wasn’t finding it because it didn’t contain the word “dying” – that was an assumption I made from the fact that he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer

  49. Firebird*

    Last week I had the same tire go flat 4 times. The dealership kept telling me it was fixed and the next morning it would be flat again.
    After the 4th time, it stayed fixed. They showed me a picture of a tire with a nail in it, to prove it wasn’t their fault. However, the tire in the picture had yellow paint on it, so I knew it wasn’t my tire. Instead of calling them out for the lie and poor performance, I filled out the survey that the company sent me.
    Now they sent me an email asking how they can make it up to me. They can’t. I spent a total of 16 hours waiting for roadside assistance over 4 flats and I know they are willing to lie. I’m going to find a new place for car servicing.
    Any ideas on how to respond to them?

    1. BuildMeUp*

      I mean, I think there’s no harm in asking them to at least refund whatever you paid them to fix the tire. They don’t need to know that the refund won’t change your mind about not coming back there.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      You’re not required to respond to them, but also flat tires aren’t something I’d normally expect to go to a dealer for? I’m sort of confused by how this even started. Normally you’ve got a flat, I’d think you’d go to a tire place specifically, or like Costco. Are these run flats or something? Also a nail in a tire – if they’re implying it was there the entire time – would still be their fault for trying to “fix” it rather than noticing the root cause of the flat and saying “you need new tires”?

      1. Turbo Ranger*

        Dealership often have maintenance shops. I’ve gone to them to fix my flat tire before. You’re supposed to get higher quality care since they sold the car to you or you own they type of car they sell. It’s actually not that hard to fix a flat. And yes, they absolutely are at fault for not fixing it.

        1. Firebird*

          I’m mostly mad about the lying. After the 3rd flat, they told me it was from a small nail, and they fixed it for free, out of the goodness of their hearts.
          Then they said the same thing about the 4th flat and showed me a picture that was definitely not my tire.
          Even without the fake picture, the odds of it happening again are miniscule, unless they are strewing small nails in their exit lanes. I went straight home after fixing each flat.
          If they had admitted their mistakes, I could have forgiven that, but lying is something I won’t forgive.

      2. Ginger Cat Lady*

        lots of people go to dealerships for service. The problem is that the service department gave her horrible service, not that she didn’t go to the kind of place where you think she should!

Comments are closed.