I work with my spouse, losing sick days I was given when hired, and more

by Alison Green on April 7, 2026

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I work with my spouse, and it’s affecting me at work

My spouse (“Sam”) and I work in an agency that is a smaller arm of a large national corporation. Sam began working here five years ago, made close friendships with others in the program, and has an extremely good professional reputation.

Three years ago, I was hired out of graduate school for the agency site associated with Sam’s program. It is likely I was interviewed because of their success in the field. At the time I was hired, I discussed with my manager that I would not work directly with my spouse for many reasons, including ethics and work-life balance. This wasn’t a concern at the time since Sam was working in a special program and with clients in a different state. That, however, changed last year.

I’ve learned a lot from this job. My performance reviews are good, and I get positive feedback. I’ve also learned that this subset of our industry is not healthy for me to remain in. As a result, I’m building a small business of my own on the side with hopes of eventually leaving this company, and have I transitioned to half-time. Additionally, with a lot of therapy and introspection, I know that I’m deeply unhappy in my marriage. I see parts of Sam that our colleagues never see. It’s very difficult to be working from home, living with them, and sharing coworking space. At a minimum, I would like for us to live separately and am working on how to do that financially.

Last year, a sociopolitical situation resulted in Sam needing to quickly move from their work in the other state. Big Boss brought Sam on to our site, working on a team adjacent to mine. Then, when my manager took a different position at the end of last year, Sam applied for their role. Big Boss split the management role into two positions to promote Sam and one of Sam’s coworkers from the special project (“Clarissa”) into the position.

Initially, I reported to Clarissa while still working in my old team with someone managed by Sam. This quickly leaked into our private lives, and I was put in the uncomfortable position of trying to navigate supporting Sam and supporting coworkers when conflict arose. When this happened, I spoke with managerial parties involved about how this structure was not working and asked to transition directly to an open position on Clarissa’s team. This was facilitated, enthusiastically by Clarissa and oddly reluctantly by Big Boss.

The work on this team is more challenging and is impacting my mental health. However, I enjoy working with Clarissa as a manager and a human. I would like to open up to her about some of the ways my relationship, finances, and current living situation are impacting my overall health and ability to show up for clients. However, given her friendship with Sam and the already porous boundaries within our field, I have concerns about how to navigate this conversation. I don’t want it to feel like I am badmouthing her friend and colleague. At the same time, my relationship struggles are relevant to my work performance. Do you have any advice on how to navigate talking to coworkers about struggling in your marriage when your spouse is your coworker?

In this situation, you can’t really talk to your coworkers about what’s going on in your marriage, when your spouse is also a coworker. You just … can’t. (It would be different if Sam were being abusive; then you’d have to talk with your employer about safety measures.)

I think the question is: if you could talk to Clarissa about this, what would you want her to do with that information? If there’s something specific she could do, like taking over a particular meeting with Sam so you don’t have to do it or some other concrete thing that would help, just ask her for that specifically. If you need some grace because it’s a challenging time in your personal life, you can ask for that (while being vague about what the challenges are). But it should be something specific and actionable, not just background info. Plus, as your boss, she doesn’t really need info about what’s going on with your relationship, finances, and living situation (and may feel uncomfortable having it); she needs info about what you need from her, and that’s what you should focus on, without getting into the personal details.

There are situations where you could share more with a boss, but (a) that’s more of a bonus in a boss/employee relationship, not a default, and (b) when you take a job working with a partner, you necessarily give some of that up. I’m sorry because this sounds hard!

2. Losing sick days I was given when hired

When I was first hired to my job, I was given vacation and 10 sick days. My hiring letter said 10 sick days, as did all subsequent letters (we get new hiring letters when we get raises). The employee handbook, although not revised in many years, also said 10 sick days.

I’ve asked for more vacation in my annual reviews and been told no because everyone has to have the same vacation days or it’s not fair.

It has come to light that recently hired employees are only getting five sick days. I asked my supervisor to confirm the days my supervisee gets, and he said she should only have five. I told him full-time employees get 10 days, and I was hired at 10 days and it’s in the employee handbook. He said the handbook is old and now everyone should only get five. And that at the end of this calendar year he’s going to redo everyone’s vacation and sick days to make sure everyone has the same thing.

It seems like I’m about to be docked five sick days! My last letter reaffirming my 10 sick days was only last year! (And I’m pretty sure he’s taking more than five sick days himself, although I guess that’s not really relevant.)

It’s a small nonprofit and I’m pretty senior. I believe that shorting people on sick days is very short-sighted because it costs the organization nothing, it doesn’t carry over, and not everyone uses them, but when you really need them, you really need them! Lots of staff have kids and elderly parents; five days is not enough. It’s a way to be kind and supportive, and cutting some people’s days will really tank morale. How would you suggest I approach this?

Make the case for keeping the 10 sick days and raising the recently hired employees’ allotment to match. You said you’re pretty senior, so you have standing to advocate for this. Point out that it would be a significant cut in benefits to yourself and other employees and is likely to harm morale, and that people will end up coming into work sick and getting others sick, thereby harming everyone’s productivity. You might also point out that five sick days is well below the national average, and that nonprofits typically try to make up for lower-than-average salaries by keeping benefits good, or least competitive.

And I don’t know what your manager’s role is, but if he’s not the decision-maker on this, talk to the person who is — and consider getting other senior-level employees to push back with that person too.

3. What can HR offer employees when a manager just isn’t good?

How do you navigate situations in HR where an employee’s concerns about their manager are valid from a relational standpoint, but not actionable from a policy perspective?

Sometimes the honest reality is … their manager just isn’t great.

We currently share resources such as mediation, ways to respond to disciplinary actions, and recommend escalating through their management chain, but employees still feel stuck. What else can HR realistically offer?

If your company is set up to support it, you can offer coaching and training for the manager, pinpointing the issues that you see come up as patterns on their team. If your company isn’t set up to support that, you can advocate for it, or at least try to do some less formal coaching of managers. You should also be flagging any pattern of problems with a manager to the person who manages them.

Sometimes, too, HR can be well positioned to act as a sort of interpreter — “it sounds like when your manager said X, what she was getting at was Y” and “What if you approached it like X?” and so forth. But ultimately, when managers aren’t good at managing, it’s in the company’s best interests to get them better at it, which means they need coaching and training and sometimes intervention from above.

4. Should I tell my boss about an employee who’s claiming overtime when she’s not working?

I usually err on not reporting on coworkers unless it impacts me or is potentially hurting others. However, I am in a weird place. I report to the director, but previously reported to the manager. While I do not manage anyone now, I am considered part of the leadership team, and the manager and I have a good relationship. She reports to the director as well.

We have one non-exempt employee who routinely comes in at least an hour early and clocks in for it even though there really isn’t any work for that role to be done at that time. She reports to the manager, who says nobody has challenged the overtime so she isn’t interfering. We have four people in the same position who do not get this overtime and come in at the appropriate time to serve clients.

This is awkward because I do metrics, audits, SOPs, training, etc. — nothing client-facing. And I report to the manager’s boss, who I feel would not be happy with this situation. On the other hand, I’ve noted it to the manager and they’ve chosen to do nothing. I am hesitant to bring this to my director, but I am also aware she will know that I knew about this if it comes out later and is a problem. If I talk to the director, she will talk to the manager, who will almost certainly know I was the person. So — stay quiet (eyes on my own paper) or talk to my boss, who is also the manager’s boss, so she can work with the manager on the correct solution?

Discreetly share it with your boss. This is actually pretty clear-cut because it does affect you: you said your director will know that you knew about it if it comes out later. That would be my advice to anyone in your shoes, but particularly as someone involved in auditing, there are additional expectations on you not to look away when someone is, pretty literally, stealing from the company and their manager has decided not to intervene.

When you talk to your boss, say you’d like to avoid causing tension in your relationship with the manager, if there’s a way for her to “discover” what’s happening on her own.

5. Listing an acquisition on my resume

I just got my first job after graduating (thanks for the resume and interview tips on your site!) and three months after I started, my company got acquired by a larger firm.

I’m not planning to leave soon and I doubt they’d let me go with our spring and summer busy season coming up, but when I do decided to head out, how I put this on my resume without looking like I skipped out on a job after less than a quarter of a year?

It’s going to stay all one job on your resume, not be separated into two different listings. Do it like this:

Taco Quality Tester
Tacos Inc. (formerly Taco Utopia), October 2025 – November 2027

{ 166 comments }

{ 166 comments… read them below }

  1. nnn*

    In addition to everything else, one thing #3 could consider is whether it’s possible to adjust how things are done so that getting the work done is less dependent on interpersonal relationships between employee and manager.

    How exactly this might work in your workplace is hugely dependent on specifics that aren’t in the letter. One thing that helped accomplish this in my own workplace was email templates for various types of requests, which the employer instituted for unrelated reasons but ultimately standardized requests so the nuances of interpersonal relationships are taken out of them.

    (The thing that helped most in disconnecting interpersonal relationships from the practicalities of management was letting people work from home whenever they want and subsequently making teams non-geographical so most people are rarely even in the same room as their manager, but it’s unlikely that an employer would want to institute this just to make employee-manager relations easier.)

    1. On Eagle's Wings*

      I love templates.

      They make it so much easier to use polite, professional phrasing when a person is slammed with four deadlines for three different teams.

      “I’m working on your Project A and Project C, do you want me to drop that and prioritize your Project B and?” works when Projects A-D are all for the same team. When they are for different teams… None of them care about your work for the other teams!

      Each team assumes they are the only priority. They get really offended when the find out this might possibly not be the case.

    2. Coverage Associate*

      I was going to suggest templates in last week’s discussion of the manager using AI for emails, or at least suggest templates as an analogy to AI. If the manager was very obviously automating more email drafting (by using templates, macros, etc), would that be better or worse than the manager’s original email style? Better or worse than suspected use of AI?

      Lots of benefits to taking feelings out of routine correspondence. Really, in our personal and professional lives, we will probably be happier if we can feel neutral towards are daily routines. (Cheers to people who enjoy their daily routines, but for work routines.,,they pay us for a reason.)

  2. Penguin*

    A couple of years ago I found out that some employees were working together to steal money. They were obviously fired. However we also discovered a couple of people knew what was going on and didn’t say anything. They could have even sent an anonymous email for us to investigate, and we would find clear evidence without linking it to who told us. But nope.

    The people who knew and didn’t say aren’t in the same category as those who did the stealing; but they allowed it to continue. I personally felt very, very upset. We had a strong professional relationship and it took me a long time to not feel angry at them as well. I didn’t fire them but I just couldn’t trust their professional judgment at all. They were passed for pretty much any promotion or pay raise opportunities.

    Not disclosing something like this is not okay.

    1. UKDancer*

      Yes everywhere I have worked has been very clear that knowing about theft and turning a blind eye or standing aside is misconduct. If you know about it bu do nothing then you can be held accountable for it.

      1. Amateur Linguist*

        Agreed. This is pretty clear cut fraud. Sounds like the person is e.g. on reception before the phones open — that sort of thing — and therefore there’s simply no reason. why she should be clocked in an hour early. (Like, been there on reception and although I usually started at 11 and went at 4, there would be no reason for me to stay an hour later. I’m paid for contracted hours, not overtime — normal in the UK even for workers who might be hourly in the US — so I wouldn’t be able to claim anything anyway,)

        1. DJ Abbott*

          Reception before the phones open… I’m a front desk person. In addition to reception, I have a full load of administrative assignments that I’m expected to be caught up on at all times regardless of how busy reception is, which is unrealistic. In addition to the way my boss treats me, this is the other big reason I’m looking to leave.
          If I had an hour where reception was not open yet, I’d still have plenty to do with the administrative assignments. Is LW sure this employee is not doing any work? Maybe they have additional assignments. Maybe their manager asked them to come in early to do certain things.

          1. Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure*

            We’re asked to take letter writers at their word, so yes, this person does little to no work for an hour.

            1. Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure*

              And if that was the case, the manager could (and should) have said so e.g. “Oh, Jenna’s doing some admin work for me” not “nobody’s complained about it before”…

            2. DJ Abbott*

              I’m just raising the possibility, in case there’s something LW didn’t realize.
              It’s annoying and potentially damaging when people outside the situation draw conclusions about other people’s work. That has happened a couple times lately at my department. These managers from other departments could have just asked us what was happening, but no…

              1. Popinki*

                It’s entirely possible, but that’s not something LW needs to determine. If the manager’s boss checks into the situation and finds there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation, like catching up on other work, question answered. But if it turns out the employee is getting paid for nothing, and that the LW knew and said nothing, things are going to get uncomfortable fast.

            3. a*

              I think that “taking the LWs at their word” is believing that they are telling the truth to the best of their ability.

              We trust that the LWs perception is that the employee has little to no work to do, however it is reasonable to question whether their perception is accurate.

              The actionable thing is to say to frame the report as a softer “Employee is clocking in an hour before the others and taking overtime. I wanted to flag that so we can be sure she’s doing enough work to justify the overtime. ” or something.

              1. Celeste*

                Yes, I don’t think taking LWs at their word means never say, “Have you thought of this possibility?” I think it just means don’t harp on it and insist you know more than the LW.

          2. NerdyKris*

            The LW doesn’t even say it’s reception. There’s no need to invent a reason why they might be wrong about the situation using a hypothetical job. And even so, it’s completely acceptable to raise a concern, they aren’t asking if they should fire the employee, just to report it.

          3. Jay*

            This was my first thought.
            Showing up an hour early to do admin, paperwork, or just cleaning tasks is not a strange thing.
            I know that I’ve certainly been that person, more than a few times.
            If they have something that needs to be done before the start of every day, but only need one person to do it, it could be this person volunteered for it every day, rather than breaking it up among the team.

            1. Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure*

              And if that’s the case, the manager should have said so. The fact they didn’t shows it’s more likely this is not extra work.

            2. Davey*

              “We have one non-exempt employee who routinely comes in at least an hour early and clocks in for it even though there really isn’t any work for that role to be done at that time.”

              I’m not sure where the “If they have something that needs to be done before the start of every day…” comes from, since, according to the LW “there really isn’t any work for that role to be done at that time.”

              Respectfully, I don’t understand why hypotheticals are necessary when things are clearly spelled out in letters.

              @LW: Clearly this is time theft and a first-rate necessity for CYA. If it were me, I’d speak up pronto.

          4. Lacey*

            It still wouldn’t be approved overtime.

            I had some coworkers who decided to work through lunch to get more done.
            They clocked an extra hour of work every day and no one realized it wasn’t approved for a long time.

            But it wasn’t, which meant a big kerfuffle when the owner discovered it.

            1. D*

              Yes, this is important to note. Overtime has to be approved by a manager – employees can’t just decide they need to work extra hours for overtime pay. There’s likely an overtime budget that the manager must stay within, which is why managers need to discuss workload before overtime is agreed upon. I am surprised the manager doesn’t mind an employee just deciding to come in early and getting overtime pay without some clear need or deliverable.

              1. doreen*

                I’d be surprised too, except that I know of a case where the manager/owner either didn’t mind or didn’t notice for years. An acquaintance worked for a small company that made dental appliances (it wasn’t actually dental, but close enough). He would routinely go in on Saturdays because the appliances “had to go out”. Which was fine for a few years – until business started dropping post-COVID. That’s when the manager owner decided to stop the overtime. Of course, my acquaintance complained, and when people asked him why they had to be shipped Saturday instead of Monday , all he could say was “They had to go out” and he could not explain why that would be his call. We’re all pretty sure that the reason was he needed the extra money.

          5. H3llifIknow*

            “We have one non-exempt employee who routinely comes in at least an hour early and clocks in for it even though there really isn’t any work for that role to be done at that time. [[…] We have four people in the same position who do not get this overtime and come in at the appropriate time to serve clients.”

            It doesn’t sound like reception, it sounds like it’s a client service position, and as a member of the leadership team, the LW is in a position to know if there’s work to be done prior to standard starting time. Having said that, I don’t know why LW doesn’t just say, “Hey, I was doing the timekeeping audits and noted you were regularly clocking in an hour early. Is this a surge support need? It’s pushing you into an overtime situation, so unless you really need to be here or have been asked to cover for that hour, please clock in at standard time,” or whatever wording works. Since LW is in a position to SEE the clock ins, it makes perfect sense to question it, IMHO.

            1. Tio*

              The problem there is that OP has already alerted this person’s manager (who is not OP) and this person’s manager is not actioning it. It would be really awkward for OP o undermine the manager directly like that – OP’s kind of put themselves in the corner of having to go above them now. Which I think they should, just like Alison said – the boss can almost certainly “arrange” to see this person in early and action it from there.

              1. LW4*

                Thank you! Problem is I am the early person in, so although it was verified that the manager was aware via clocked hours, I have no management authority. In fact, it has been made clear I am *not* to appear to manage employees reporting to someone else. That is why I brought it to the manager.

                1. Orora*

                  At this point, it’s a CYA email to the director. “In doing some auditing/SOP writing, etc. I noticed that Cooper was coming in an hour earlier than others in their position and was incurring overtime as a result. It might be warranted for reasons I don’t know about, but I just wanted to flag it for you since it was outside of our standard.”

                  Present it as noticing something during the course of your own work, not as watching the clock on Cooper’s time.

          6. Myrin*

            “Reception” was just a random example Amateur Linguist made up. OP says this is a client-facing position, and it’s entirely possible that as long as the building isn’t open to clients, someone in that position indeed wouldn’t have any work to do (we have positions like that where I work).

            Also, like some others already said, OP can mention it to her boss no matter what – boss will then be in the perfect position to see if there’s anything legitimate going on OP simple doesn’t know about or if there’s indeed some sort of fraud involved.

          7. Amateur Linguist*

            Yeah, there are some places where that might be the case, but in my experience of reception, we were very firmly not able to work before or after the phones opened/closed, and that was clear in the contract.

          8. Lenora Rose*

            I’ve done reception that was busy all the time and reception where, while it was essential to have coverage at all work hours, I had a lot of down time and would have nothing to do for an extra hour.

            All my peers who have arrived an hour early (because spouse drops them off, etc) have made it clear they’re not working during that time (brought a book, are in the break room, both…). And I’ve made it clear that on the evenings I linger an extra 45 minutes due to the timing of after work events, that I’m also not working during that time and won’t claim it as overtime.

        2. Media Monkey*

          and even if there is work to do, overtime would potentially be paid at a higher rate that the normal hourly rate wouldn’t it? so you wouldn’t want someone starting their working day doing non-emergency overtime (vs someone staying an hour late to finish something that was needed urgently). the only way it would make sense if there was something urgent from the day before. and it seems will within the OP’s role in auditing to determine if the company should be paying an hour at overtime rate every day rather than extending the normal working hours of that person (and paying them) for the extra 5 hours a week.

          1. Jackalope*

            That depends. There are people who prefer to come in early to handle emergencies or urgent situations rather than staying late. If you have a report that’s due the next morning by 10, for example, it’s reasonable to stay late OR come in early that morning, especially if you have a good feel for how long it will take to complete. Coming in early rather than staying late isn’t in and of itself an indication that this isn’t urgent work.

            1. Media Monkey*

              absolutely. as I said, regular unscheduled (and higher rate) overtime seems well within the purview of someone who has auditing responsibilities. it’s less about the time it is done, although you might expect that to happen more at the end of the day and be occasional, not exactly an hour every single day from someone that wouldn’t really be expected to do overtime.

            2. H3llifIknow*

              But the LW says there is NO work to be done at that time in that role and that the others in that role don’t do it….

            3. Amateur Linguist*

              Yeah, but if the person has to stay to serve clients, they probably wouldn’t get away with leaving early, and hence the problem is the accumulated additional overtime from coming in early but not leaving early.

    2. Caro*

      Agree. It’s the spinelessness, the willingness to overlook real dishonesty in favour of not rocking the boat that winds me up. I do feel that the more senior a person is, the more they need to be above reproach and confront things that are not okay, so I wouldn’t feel quite as badly towards, say, a very junior staff member who knew vs a person in a supervisory role or some position of responsibility, even if unconnected. I get the politics of being between a rock and a hard place and would try to be realistic, but it would taint how I saw them at least somewhat.

    3. NerdyKris*

      In my experience, it’s treated as the same. If they know about the fraud and are turning a blind eye to it, then that tells you they’d do the same thing if they thought they could get away with it.

      1. Jackalope*

        It really doesn’t, though. There are all sorts of behaviors you can ignore in others that you wouldn’t engage in yourself. In this situation it seems clear that the OP should report since she’s in a position where she’ll be listened to, and it’s a part of her job responsibility to report this sort of thing. But there are all sorts of reasons one might not report it, from not knowing who to report to, to thinking it’s more minor than it is (ie, only knowing about small amounts of the fraud like taking boxes of pens home), to having gotten their hands slapped in the past when they tried to report, to others I can’t think of right now.

      2. district worker*

        I think that’s quite a reach. There are reasons someone may not speak up that are besides “they also would steal if they could.” If the person is junior and doesn’t speak up against fraud in a manager, it could be that they fear retaliation, for example.

        1. Lydia*

          Agreed. There are a lot of people who would just chalk it up to not being any of their business. In this case, though, it is the OP’s business.

      3. H3llifIknow*

        Strong disagree. They may worry that they only suspect something and they don’t want to sound an alarm without proof. They don’t want to ruin someone’s career. They may fear retaliation, if they report, etc…

    4. fhqwhgads*

      I don’t disagree with you in general but I think it’s slightly different than OP’s scenario since OP spoke to the person’s manager and that manager is doing nothing.

      I still agree with Alison that OP should raise it with the manager’s manager, but I can see why OP would feel torn. It’s not a standing idly by situation. It’s having raised it to one appropriate person and feeling stuck with whether they need to go another level up vs if this is actually within that person’s purview to OK. The extra layer in between makes it trickier than just observing the stealing and say something/don’t say anything.

  3. Alz*

    LW 4- Agree with Alison that this is something that should be shared upwards. One thing to keep in mind when presenting it is there might be a genuine reason someone needs to come in early- maybe this employee turns on some equipment that takes a while to warm up or writes up a report that no one else does (compiling feedback or issues). Just because no one else does the over time it doesn’t mean that the employee is necessarily stealing that time. The manager’s response that “no one has raised it” might be because she knows that everyone else has commitments in the morning and wouldn’t want to come in if the work was split more equitably.

    I am not saying that this is defiantly occurring or this isn’t an issue but maybe it will help you to feel less like you are “dobbing” if you frame it that way in your head- If there is a need for someone to do this work then maybe that should be documented somewhere so if the employee leaves it doesn’t fall over, so others have a chance to request to be added to the roster or maybe the employee gets a title bump to acknowledge the extra work.

    But yeah, now that you have raised it once with the manager it would be awesome if your boss could “discover” it rather than dropping you in it

    1. Anonys*

      I agree that in reporting this to the director LW should indicate that there might be some context they are missing and not frame it as “this is definitely 100% wrong”.

      But also, “no one has raised it” is a pretty weird response from the manager in case the overtime is really a business necessity. In that case why didn’t manager just tell LW there is a legitimate business reason for the overtime?

      1. Caro*

        ”Oh, that’s interesting. Welp, I am raising it and ofc there may be confidential reasons for this to be happening, but it felt a bit off to me.”

        The manager clearly means ”people more senior” when speaking of ”no one” having raised the dishonesty.

        Raise it with the director. Explain that you try and keep an ”eyes on own work” policy, but since you are in an auditing role, things like honesty and clarity are ofc very important and you don’t want to later be in the position of having known and said nothing.

      2. NerdyKris*

        I don’t know why people are assuming that the director will immediately terminate the employee without asking questions. It’s a report, it will be investigated. There’s no indication the company will just fire someone on LW’s say so without even asking what the employee is doing during that time.

      3. Lacey*

        Right. If the manager had approved it and wanted them there doing that work – they would have said so.

      4. D*

        Agreed – this sounds like a situation where you would adjust the employee’s hours, not pay overtime. And, it’s not true that ‘no one has raised it’, because the OP did! That really is a strange response!

      5. anonymous worker ant*

        “No one has raised it” may, in the manager’s head, mean “Nobody has objected to me letting them take daily approved overtime to do extra tasks”.

        It seems pretty clear that for whatever reason this overtime is known and approved by the manager, so the question is whether it’s valid for the manager to approve it, and the manager’s take on that is nobody objects if they approve it.

    2. Amateur Linguist*

      It sounds like LW4 is pretty sure that the person is not supposed to be clocked on that early and since she knows her own office and what the person’s role entails, it’s her job to act on it after the manager involved has done nothing.

      Employees can be on the fiddle as much as employers can and we generally take people at their word that there’s a big issue.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        Right, from the letter “there really isn’t any work for that role to be done at that time”. Is it possible there’s something LW4 doesn’t know about the manager does? I guess but it’s weird of the manager to not just say that. Given what’s in the letter it sounds like this isn’t a role where it makes sense to be doing anything earlier than everyone else is in. Hence LW4’s confidence that this makes no sense. Plus the letter says LW4 used to report to the same manager, so it’s reasonable to take LW4 at their word they know how this works.

    3. Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure*

      If they are doing extra work, the manager should have said so rather than brushing LW4 off with “management haven’t mentioned it so I am minding my own business”

    4. H3llifIknow*

      But the OP knows what the employee’s job is, and mentioned that there are 4 others in the same position and that they deal with clients and there is nothing for that role to do for that hour. I don’t get why people are hellbent on disbelieving the OP, when she is in a position to know the employee’s role and tasks.

      1. Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure*

        +1000
        The way some people on AAM jump to “clearly the OP missed something about this situation she’s already observed for weeks” is very frustrating. Manager did not say “oh, Jenna comes on early to do administrative work/get the equipment ready/clean the office” she pulled the old “nobody else is complaining so what’s YOUR problem” gambit.

        1. Kyrielle*

          And, if it gets investigated and there IS some reason OP didn’t know about…that will come out, be documented/handled, and things will continue apace. No one is suggesting firing the employee or manager on the spot, just reporting it so it can be looked into. If the shared boss is fine with what’s happening (either initially or after an investigation), whatever it is and for whatever reason, then I’d advise OP to let it go. But do loop that shared boss in “out of a feeling of responsibility” and so you can honestly later say you did if anyone finds out the situation and isn’t okay with it.

          OP is presumably right about what’s going on, but crucially, even if they’re wrong about what’s happening, this is the right path with the answer the manager gave them. (If manager had said the person was doing something-or-other in that time that needed to be done, then OP could safely sit silent and point to that if it became an issue later.)

          1. Amateur Linguist*

            Yup. In my experience, the employee and potentially the manager would be suspended on full pay while it was investigated, and we’d be interviewing a number of different people who had access to the paper trail and knew about it. Suspension is always paid because it’s not punitive in itself, it’s a way of making sure the investigation isn’t prejudiced by the people being investigated.

            I’ve seen people be cleared of gross misconduct and seen people sacked. The person who was cleared and could have returned to work felt his working relationships were busted anyway and resigned, but had he not done so he would have gone back.

            It sounds like OP is in compliance or a similar department and therefore knows that something isn’t adding up correctly. I must say, if I came here and got the third degree about whether as someone responsible for running the rule over some areas in my department when I had a documented issue with someone, it would feel a bit alienating. I’m glad LW4 has chipped in but fundamentally, the question took for granted why she was worried about this and she doesn’t have to satisfy us with exact details.

  4. KeinName*

    OP1: I agree with Alison, that your boss should only be approached about things she can influence: like differently scheduling your work (maybe for times it’s less likely to overlap with your spouse), tips to better serve clients, lightening your workload, questions about EAP assistance etc., or with information about your work product/client relationships. Usually the advice is also to bring a solution when one brings a problem (ie „I’m experiencing a challenging time, it would help if you could switch around my shifts“).
    I assume that agency is the only gig in town, otherwise I’d advise moving to a job where you can be full-time, so you can move out, and trying the business idea once you’ve settled your living arrangements. It sounds like you should focus on getting to a sense of security, and not on the relationship with Clarissa.

  5. Anonys*

    Letter 4, the manager saying “nobody has challenged the overtime so I’m not interfering” is a really weird abdication of responsibility – first, if this is her direct report, it would be the managers job to approve any overtime and to challenge if it’s really necessary and second, the letter writer actually DID challenge the situation.

    1. LW4*

      Our department is funded by other departments – so the challenge to OT approved would come from another department. Imagine we are the frog singing specialists, and have to evaluate frogs before they begin assigned recitals. Without our evaluation, they won’t get to sing, and the Frog Song Show will not go on. The department who is choosing the frogs they want to sing has a vested interest in us doing what we can to make sure each frog is available for their part on time.

      So the manager approves the time, but we do not generate profit – someone else pays for it.

      In context, we have been short staffed for years, and finally have a full staff as of this month. I think that may lead the manager to be more conflict avoidant, due to not wanting to risk losing anyone. Still, it did not sit well with me – and thus I raised it.

      I am new to leadership, so this is a new challenge for me vs. when my role was only my own work. That is partially why I read this blog and several others – I’ve even quoted it to others. So I know I have work to do. Thank you everyone for your feedback and perspectives – that is why I asked! I will be taking all this in and will try to remember to write an update.

      Also, I thought long and hard before writing a question in – so I am thrilled to have this opportunity for feedback and advice. Thank you Alison!

      1. Myrin*

        What an absolutely fantastic stand-in you chose here, I shall steal it for future made-up job descriptions for sure!

      2. Hannah Lee*

        One question I have is whether or not managers, such as the OT claiming employee’s manager and that manager’s director get any financial reports with payroll info or hours worked vs budgeted/planned.

        Because sometimes, especially if someone is more in an audit function vs an operational management function, it can be better to point at data/numbers and raise a question to management about aberrations there vs flagging a particular person’s behavior. I think this would be an example of what Alison suggested – of ‘helping’ the director discover the issue on her own

        So, speaking to the director at a high level, you could say “year over year, department x’s payroll spend is tracking to be 4-5% over budget this year. The staffing level and pay rates in the department haven’t changed; it’s still 4.0 FTE at $20 per hour, but the # hours worked are higher than planned, particularly the overtime line item which was budgeted at 0 hours/$0 but came in at 65 hours/$1950 for Q1.” That can shift the heads up from accusatory (or feeling accusatory for OP to raise) ie ‘Ed might be stealing pay by falsifying hours’ … to informative (pointing out discrepancies) and inquisitive … ‘Hey, there’s an unexpected variance in payroll expense/labor hours/OT’ leading to director wanting someone to look into what’s driving the budget overrun and why. Those things are well within an audit, tracking metrics role.

        1. LW4*

          To clarify, I DO NOT get any financial or payroll reports. My auditing is related to our frog singing documentation – but because I am a trainer, auditor, and SOP writer I pay attention.
          I would not be able to name the amount of hours, but I could note the pattern and be aware of the duties expected.

    2. H3llifIknow*

      I mean technically the OP challenged the OT, so the Manager should, theoretically NOW question the employee about it, especially since the OP does the auditing and flagged it! That’s a really lazy or conflict averse Manager!

  6. BellStell*

    For OP3, please please get the manager training AND hold them accountable for improving – set out clear needs and goals and track progress or put them on a pip with their manager! Do not do what my former organization did: give a year of individual and team coaching to the shit manager but never hold them accountable for improving from bullying and favouritism…. only to have to 6 months later actively remove them from managing their team but keep them at the same high salary and director of policy title just on a new team….where they are still interfering with their old team because their management is non confrontational and crap also…

  7. Ellie*

    OP#1, you sound like you’re in a difficult situation. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you may not have told Sam about your likely decision to move on from the relationship? If you haven’t, then you really can’t talk about this to your manager, or to anyone else at work either. Apart from the boundaries issue, it may get back to Sam that you are thinking of leaving before you are ready to share that information. Clarissa sounds alright, but your big boss sounds like they’d prioritise Sam, since they promoted him into a position over you and then didn’t want to move you. Frankly, I’d be trying to time it so that I had a new job to go to and a new home around the same time.

    1. Antigone*

      Yes, this is my worry, too – usually I would agree that a general “challenges in my personal life, here’s what would help at work” approach would be the right move here. But I think if you do that you have to expect that at some point Clarissa is going to, with good intentions, mention something to Sam about how she hopes they’re doing okay given the rough patch, or whatever.

      You just can’t address this at work in this situation, unfortunately, if you need Sam not to be aware that you’re having a hard time with your home life with them.

      I’m really sorry, and I hope you can leave both the job and the partner soon. In the interim, I hope you do have *somewhere* you can talk about what’s actually going on in your life, like a trusted friend or a therapist. You absolutely deserve to be able to tell the truth about a difficult situation and get support for it, it just can’t happen at work for you.

    2. Chauncy Gardener*

      100% agree with this. Say nothing to anyone and just spend your time finding a new job and a new home.
      Everyone just likes Sam’s work persona. Please don’t say anything about him personally to anyone. It will only reflect poorly on you. Try to keep your head up, stay professional and GTFO of all of it.
      Living well will be the best revenge.
      Hang in there!

      1. Momma Bear*

        I did not work with my soon to be former spouse at the time, but even so I kept what I told my manager very basic. I feel for LW in this situation – it’s hard enough without disentangling from everything at work, too. I’d focus on getting things in order quietly and then leave the job as soon as possible.

  8. Orion's Belt*

    LW 1 – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve had friends who did. The hardest thing is hearing people take about how great their spouse is when, in reality, they were actually crummy people.

    I suggest reframing things. If you hear how good he is at work, realize it isn’t about how he is as a person, but just his world persona.

    Don’t go to your boss yet. I understand that it may make you feel lonely. Hopefully you can find support outside of work.

    I also suggest finding a different job. Even if it’s part time somewhere else. You’re miserable. If you can’t mentally get through this until your business is up and running, then find a different job.

    1. Account*

      I agree with all of this. LW, from your phrasing, I think part of what you wish you could say to Clarissa is: “I know you think my husband is great, but he’s really not; here are some examples.” And that is a VERY human impulse. But you really can’t do that; and if you did, it wouldn’t be perceived the way you want it to be. Her strong reaction would be “I don’t know what is going on in their marriage, but I want no part of this.”

      1. ElectricGal*

        Not trying to be a pain in the ass here, but Sam was pretty specifically referred to as they and as the spouse – always good to be detail-aware.

        1. Parakeet*

          Especially given that they moved across state lines because of a sociopolitical situation – while that could be a number of things, one of the more likely ones in the current context in the US is the previous state passing an anti-trans law.

        2. Pancakes Stack*

          Sam wasn’t referred to as “they” on the letter though. They might be genderless or not. No one knows beyond “spouse” and “Sam”. I agree to be detailed aware, but you are making assumptions too.

          1. Dahlia*

            Yes, they were.

            “I see parts of Sam that our colleagues never see. It’s very difficult to be working from home, living with them, and sharing coworking space.”

            “Last year, a sociopolitical situation resulted in Sam needing to quickly move from their work in the other state.”

            (Formatting fail there)

          2. Hlao-roo*

            I went back and re-read the letter, and I found the following:

            “It is likely I was interviewed because of their success in the field” in the second paragraph, where “their success” refers to Sam’s success.

            “It’s very difficult to be working from home, living with them” in the third paragraph, where “living with them” refers to living with Sam.

            “Sam needing to quickly move from their work in the other state” in the fourth paragraph, where “their work” refers to Sam’s work.

            You’re correct that the letter-writer never uses the pronoun “they” for Sam, but I think we can safely extrapolate from the LW’s use of “them” and “their” that using “they” as a subject pronoun for Sam is OK.

        3. A Cita*

          Thank you! I’m seeing so many comments referring to Sam as “he” and as someone who is constantly misgendered, it grates. But I get it’s an accident. But still.

    2. Hlao-roo*

      I definitely agree with looking for a different job. It won’t fix all of your problems, but it will probably be easier to deal with an unhappy marriage if you aren’t hearing how great your spouse is all the time from their/your coworkers.

      Hopefully you can find support outside of work.

      Does your current company have an EAP? Usually an EAP offers a few free therapy sessions per year, and/or assistance finding a more permanent therapist. It might help to talk to an outside party about the whole situation.

      1. Ama*

        Yes I was coming here to suggest an EAP, even if it only covers a few sessions it sounds like OP really needs someone to talk to who can be trusted to keep things confidential.

  9. Caro*

    ”Oh, that’s interesting. Welp, I am raising it and ofc there may be confidential reasons for this to be happening, but it felt a bit off to me.”

    The manager clearly means ”people more senior” when speaking of ”no one” having raised the dishonesty.

    Raise it with the director. Explain that you try and keep an ”eyes on own work” policy, but since you are in an auditing role, things like honesty and clarity are ofc very important and you don’t want to later be in the position of having known and said nothing.

  11. Im going to Lemkin*

    I agree with the advice on #4, but it is difficult because LW has to report not only this employee but their boss as well (it will come out that the boss didn’t care/get approval). So I understand the hesitancy

    1. Observer*

      True. But given that the LW’s role is in audits and training, this makes it *more* important to raise it. Because anyone really has an obligation to report any sort of fraud that they come across, including time related issues. But when *audit* and SOP / Training is part of your job, and you come into contact something which is either fraud or, best case, very poor operating process, you have an exponential obligation to report it. And when one of the people enabling the problem behavior is someone with authority, that also kicks up the obligation. Because that person could be a bigger problem than the one employee who is getting paid for not working.

  12. Dino Nuggies*

    I’m trying to find posts to share with a friend: any posts about awful managers who complain about time off employees take, make comments about working through lunch, or want an accounting of every moment of the day for remote work

    The search function is fighting me today! Any links would be appreciated

    1. Hlao-roo*

      I think this is off-topic for today’s posts, but you could ask on the Friday open thread.

      The linked letter “my boss says people who work from home shouldn’t take sick days” in the “you may also like” section might be along the lines of what you’re looking for

      1. Dino Nuggies*

        I normally would wait for Friday but my friend was spiraling this morning so I was trying to find any help for her today. I thought it was okay to post on the short answers post since it has multiple conversations going on. I’ll wait til Friday or try to beat the search answers into submission :P

        1. Hlao-roo*

          The in-site search bar and I don’t get along, so I feel you there! I’ve had better luck using Google and searching “site:askamanager.org [search terms]” (without the quotation marks or the brackets).

          1. Seven If You Count Bad John*

            Your search fu on this site is so great, I’m weirdly glad that you have trouble with the in-site search bar as well! I’ve rarely had luck with it and I feel validated now.

  13. Alice*

    Hey, LW1, reading between the lines it sounds like maybe there is some emotional abuse happening in your relationship? I apologise if I’m reading too much into your phrasing. If that is the case, I would strongly encourage you to contact a domestic violence helpline for support and to figure out what you can safely share at work.

  14. Dust Bunny*

    “I would like to open up to her about some of the ways my relationship, finances, and current living situation are impacting my overall health and ability to show up for clients.”

    Work is not therapy.

    This sounds like one of those letters where the OP has conflated work and personal life, possibly because the boundaries aren’t clear and possibly because adding another responsibility and time-suck in the form of actual therapy is just too much to face, although since this OP is already in therapy that’s accounted for. But the things listed here are not your supervisor’s business, and you don’t want them to be, beyond the things Allison suggested.

    1. Kay*

      Yeah – this would be too much detail no matter what the work dynamic. It sounds like the OP is really struggling and that is coming out in some unhealthy ways. Which, I get, they are looking for help and support in a lonely time! Trauma dumping on your boss just isn’t the way to go.

  15. mango chiffon*

    Speaking of resumes, does anyone know how you would handle when the base job title itself changes? Like I started as Administrative Coordinator, then Senior Administrative Coordinator. But then the base title changed and I was Senior Program Coordinator and then I was promoted to Principal Program Coordinator. Do I keep the actual titles I had with each change? or can I say I was a Program Coordinator when I was hired and keep the base name the same the whole way through?

    1. Not on board*

      I think you list the company, and then the positions you held underneath it. But I’m not 100% sure.

      Tacos Inc. 2025-2027
      -Administrative coordinator
      -Senior Administrative coordinator
      -Principal Program Coordinator

      1. Hlao-roo*

        Yeah, I think there are generally two ways you can format multiple job titles for one company on a resume. The first is listing all the job titles, then listing all of the accomplishments, like this:

        Tacos Inc., 2020-present
        Principal Program Coordinator, 2025-present
        Senior Program Coordinator, 2024-2025
        Senior Administrative Coordinator, 2022-2024
        Administrative Coordinator, 2020-2022
        *accomplishment
        *accomplishment

        But if you want to show that your responsibilities increased with each job title, you can break up your bullet points based on when you accomplished certain things.

        Tacos Inc., 2020-present
        Principal Program Coordinator, 2025-present
        *accomplishment
        *accomplishment
        Senior Program Coordinator, 2024-2025
        *accomplishment
        Senior Administrative Coordinator, 2022-2024
        *accomplishment
        Administrative Coordinator, 2020-2022
        *accomplishment

      2. mango chiffon*

        I guess my question is more how do I handle the “senior administrative coordinator” to “senior program coordinator” when it wasn’t a change in the role, it was just a change in what that role was called. Do I list both and say I was a senior program coordinator for like a few months before my promotion? Or is it a “senior program coordinator (senior administrative coordinator)” thing where I use both with one in parentheses?

        1. Hlao-roo*

          I think if your title was only “senior program coordinator” for a few months (and presumably you were a “senior administrative coordinator” for longer than that), you can lump that all under the “senior administrative coordinator” title on your resume.

          Tacos Inc., 2020-present
          Principal Program Coordinator, 2025-present
          *accomplishment
          *accomplishment
          Senior Administrative Coordinator, 2022-2025
          *accomplishment
          Administrative Coordinator, 2020-2022
          *accomplishment

        2. Venus*

          If the work is essentially the same then I would recommend keeping those combined as much as possible, so maybe:

          Tacos Inc., 2020-present
          Principal Program Coordinator, 2025-present
          *accomplishment
          *accomplishment
          Senior Program Coordinator, 2022-2025 (formerly Senior Administrative Coordinator, 2022-2024)
          *accomplishment
          Administrative Coordinator, 2020-2022
          *accomplishment

        3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          If it was just a title change, I probably wouldn’t list the original title at all, just
          Administrative Coordinator (2020-2022)
          Senior Program Coordinator (2022-2024)
          Principal Program Coordinator (2024-current)

    2. Insufficiently Festive Cheap-ass Rolls*

      I handled that as:

      LlamaCorp 2020-2026, multiple roles
      – Most Recent role title Responsible for…
      – Next title Responsible for…
      – Original title Responsible for…

  16. Emily Bembily*

    At my first job, we got 12 sick days a year. Then, the board chair bragged at an all staff meeting about how we were “right sizing” the sick days to 5, because 5 is the average people took per year. I pointed out that the average of 5 means fully half of employees need more than 5 and was ignored.

    1. Insufficiently Festive Cheap-ass Rolls*

      “Why did you leave your last company?”

      “Because I signed a contract for x amount of PTO days and then they reduced it by over a week!”

    2. Beany*

      To be pedantic about it, the *average* (mean) number of sick days being 5 doesn’t necessarily mean that half the employees needed more — e.g. most of them could be taking 3 or 4, but a small number taking the max 12 days could lead to the average of 5.

      Now the *median* number of sick days taken being 5 would imply that about half the employees were taking more than that.

      1. Bonkers*

        If they really want to be cheap, they could take the modal number! I bet they could “right-size” down to one or two!

    3. Momma Bear*

      I had a job with a generous PTO plan. Then we got bought out and were shoved into the PTO arrangement at the bigger company, which meant that many people lost 2 weeks of annual leave. I had just reached the max that was allowed at the new company so I wasn’t affected but it caused a lot of resentment. It’s probably for financial reasons that they want less time in the bank, but it’s at least worth asking why not bring everyone up vs down. Down will hit morale. I dislike the term “right size” because invariably it’s just another way to say they’re doing whatever and nevermind the employee’s needs.

  17. Antilles*

    #2:
    Five sick days is incredibly stingy. That could get wiped out with a single bad flu. And the fact that his answer is that the handbook is wrong so we should cut everybody down is baffling. It’s also guaranteed to lose you staff because most people absolutely hate losing something they already had – even among people who rarely get sick, suddenly having their sick days get halved is still going to feel like a slap in the face.
    (And I’m pretty sure he’s taking more than five sick days himself, although I guess that’s not really relevant.)
    Given that he makes the argument about time off that “everybody has to have the same number or it isn’t fair”, I would say this is highly relevant. You can’t actually call him on his hypocrisy, but the fact he cares about “fairness” for everybody except him speaks volumes about his character.

    1. Phony Genius*

      Under certain circumstances the contents of the handbook may be legally binding, even if it’s old.

    2. Lacey*

      5 sick days is wild. I’ve worked somewhere with only 5, but they were generous with vacation & personal time, so it worked out.

      I’ve also worked places where you start with like, 12 I think… but you can bank them. Which doesn’t help for people with chronic illness, but was nice for someone like me who rarely gets sick, but has had to have a couple of minor surgeries.

      Current place does unlimited PTO, which, meh. It’s not really unlimited of course and after a week you have to go on short term disability. Which. Whatever, it’s still paid for a certain amount of time, but it’s not as good as having two months of sick leave banked.

    1. AFac*

      I was thinking longingly of a Taco Utopia that I could go to. The town I live in is a bit of a Taco Desert.

      1. Peanut Hamper*

        If I ever start a food truck, I will name it Taco Utopia. And the picture on the side will be a bunch of cats eating tacos.

    2. Lee Plum*

      Job crafting!

      There is a Taco Editor at the Texas Monthly, and Mando Rayo is a taco journalist for his podcast, the Tacos of Texas

    3. MaybeMossy*

      I would totally sign up for that gig, as long as I don’t have to actually put bad ones in my mouth.

    4. Milo*

      I’m in QC and a product I’m in charge of are those frozen tacos you get at a gas station and it is sadly, not that fun. Especially if you are also tasked with complaint management.

  19. Nancy*

    LW1: Clarissa is your manager, not your friend, and she does not need to hear any of those details. Your coworkers do not want to be put in the middle of the marriage problems between two coworkers. Those are topics you discuss with friends outside of work. You should also probably start looking for a new job to give you more distance.

    1. Pastor Petty LaBelle*

      Thank you. OP sounds like she wanted to share with her boss just to get it out to someone. But the boss is the wrong person for this. You can discuss work related things with your boss, but personal things like your marriage, especially when your spouse is a peer of your boss, definite no go.

      Find someone else to let all this out too.

      1. Tio*

        this worried me too. Even if Sam wasn’t their coworker, it sounds like OP is a bit on the precipice of oversharing, which can be really rough for a manager. they only need the barest of details. OP, while you’re there, look into EAP resources including counseling, but also if it’s offered, legal and financial consults. Many companies have these as part of the EAP program!

  20. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

    Re the person coming in early to get paid for apparently doing nothing, if the other staff learn about this, there will be a morale hit. There was a guy at my workplace who was widely believed to be running a side business from the office (which because we were gov is illegal as well as unethical), and it bugged people.

  21. Insufficiently Festive Cheap-ass Rolls*

    LW5, I feel for you. I work in a career where little companies are eaten by midsized companies are eaten by large companies on a daily basis… and I prefer to work for little companies. My entire resume is a gravestone of long-forgotten names.

    Alison’s advice is perfect for a single acquisition or a known name to a known name. For longer chains, especially in situations in the past where I moved just as a company swooped in, I’ve put something like:
    – Tacos Inc. (formerly Taco Utopia; at time of employment was Bob’s Taco Stand)

  22. Pastor Petty LaBelle*

    #5 — I just want to say that its not a matter of your company letting you go if you want to leave. If you resign that’s it. It’s not a negotiation or requesting permission. You don’t even need a reason, you just say “I am resigning from X position. My last day will be Y.” Should you try to avoid the busy season when resigning? Yes, that’s good for reputation. But sometimes things don’t work out that way. If your company can’t afford to be without you during their busy season (their not yours) that’s on them and is not your problem to solve.

    1. Observer*

      I think that what the LW was saying is that they are not going to get fired or “downsized” at this point.

  23. Friendly Office Bisexual*

    I’m seeing that LW1 used they/them pronouns and “spouse” for Sam, but some of the comments assume he/him and “husband”… I would encourage people to use the pronouns used by the LW.

    (As a nonbinary person, I also saw “the sociopolitical situation caused them to need to move states” and my head filled with every single trans or nonbinary person who had to flee their state due to transphobic policies last year.)

    1. Sharkmom*

      Yes, I agree that we should use LW1’s supplied pronouns here.

      Maybe Sam is nonbinary.
      Maybe Sam is trans and LW1 doesn’t want to out them. (This can overlap with the above.)
      Maybe LW1 just doesn’t want to release more details than necessary about either person in their marriage!

      Regardless of the exact reasons, we should work with the information that LW1 has supplied and allow them grace (within reason, unreliable narrators exist) for what information they have left out.

    2. Lily Rowan*

      Right – whether a given LW uses they/them for increased anonymity or because the person they are writing about is nonbinary, it behooves all of us to stick to what the LW uses. In the first case, we don’t know the person’s gender, so let’s not assume, and in the second case, we do know the person’s pronouns and should use them!

    4. TerrorCotta*

      We also don’t know LW’s gender! I’ve seen several comments referring to LW as “she,” and that could also be incorrect.

      I assumed they wanted to take traditional gender role bias out of the equation, but everyone sure seems determined to cram it back in!

      1. Friendly Office Bisexual*

        Hear, hear!

        (And if you are someone who assumed traditional gender roles: no shaming here, just encouraging you to pay attention to how the gender binary is often assumed as default)

  24. I worked with number 4 and it was awful*

    For #4, we had a guy claiming an extra hour per day of overtime, despite not getting his basic work done. He was utterly unmanageable for years and years. It was demoralizing to everyone that he wasn’t reined in. I could have used the extra money, too! He eventually left, but I still don’t really trust management at my workplace.

  25. Pixel*

    LW#1 — your manager is not your friend (and even if she was, talking to her about your marriage and personal life isn’t generally relevant to your work relationship). If you really need to talk to *someone*, does your workplace have an EAP?

    1. Spacewoman Spiff*

      Yeah I got the feeling that this LW has all sorts of personal issues and is kind of bringing them into work when really they should be seeking some therapy. Definitely do not talk to manager.

  26. Spacewoman Spiff*

    Coming in an hour early- maybe this person car pools and had no choice but to get there that early. However that doesn’t mean they should be clocking in. They should be asking to change their hours or just spend the time doing something personal or having coffee.

    1. Coverage Associate*

      I have worked a few places where, for various reasons, some members of hourly staff were on site before their work hours. Management knew and approved, and they weren’t working and weren’t getting paid.

      I have one hourly coworker where staying late for an online class, unpaid, was part of what she negotiated when she started. I do my best not to bother her with anything work related during that time, but we’re also friendly, and the line is blurry.

      1. Amateur Linguist*

        Yeah, I used to get in early at my first job out of uni and go and sit in a coffee shop for an hour. I brought my sketchbook and wrote an entire comic book over the course of the year I spent, just in that hour before my job started. Bonus points but some of my accountancy training leaked in from my job when a character needed some quick money and cashed out some investments to pay off the police from framing the guy he was trying to help.

  27. amateur seamster*

    LW1: I was struck by how the question you asked in the end, while important to you, feels very disconnected from the bigger picture. You’re describing a situation in which:
    a) you feel like the field is not good for your health
    b) you asked to be moved to a new team, your boss “oddly reluctantly” approved it, and it turned out not to be a great idea
    c) if I am not getting the timeline wrong, it’s been a while since you’ve come to the realization that you are deeply unhappy in your marriage and your plan is to, at the very least, live separately from your spouse as soon as possible
    I think that you may be overfocusing on a small detail that would make things feel slightly better of fairer (“can I vent about my spouse to Clarissa?”), but perhaps the truth is that… bigger questions need to be asked. Perhaps, if your side business does not yet allow you to live comfortably and achieve finantial independence, you need to find a different job, at a different workplace. I know it’s easier said than done, but what I am trying to get that is that… maybe you need to take a step back and focus on the big picture.
    I hope this is not an uncharitable read of your letter. I wish you the best of luck!

    1. Myrin*

      You’ve perfectly articulated the thoughts I had as well. OP seems deeply unhappy both in her job and in her private life and… well, let’s just say, this letter didn’t go at all where I thought it would go and I was honestly surprised by what ended up being the actual question asked.

  28. Yellow Flower*

    Re#4- our entire landscape was fired for “time theft”. They were spending 2+ hours at the new, popular donut shop in the middle of the day.

    1. Dancing Otter*

      Landscape? I’m picturing a queue of rose bushes and forsythia at the donut shop. Maybe some topiary evergreens, as well.

  29. WellRed*

    No 2. Is there a bigger problem than the stingy sick days? His casual rescission of them? And retro actively? Lack of communication? Benefits not up to par with other nonprofits? I think so!

  30. dissent on number four*

    I’m gonna dissent on number four. It’s 2026. Don’t get between a person and their paycheck. Just don’t. Keep your head down. Stay in your lane. Mind your own business. Etc.

    The manager’s department has a budget. The employee’s paycheck comes out of that budget. The manager’s boss has access to the numbers, and is at least tacitly signing off on these monthly payouts. All you really have to do here is leave it alone.

    1. Lee Plum*

      LW is in charge of audits, SOPs, and the like. Raising a possible noncompliance is very much in their lane.
      And as others have pointed out, if there is something shady going on and the audit trail uncovers LW’s flag, that could get between LW and their paycheck.
      If this person does not want their paycheck, compromised, this person should not engage in paycheck compromising activities.

    3. Kay*

      No – OP is management, and auditing. Actively deciding to NOT do their job so an employee can steal is not what anyone should advocate, even in these times. If we were talking a pen here & there, or a few minutes late from lunch my answer might be different.

      1. Griffin Diore*

        @Lee Plum and @Kay

        From comments LW4 has made earlier, they do not do financial audits, nor do they manage anyone. They just happen to be at work in the early hours and know that there’s no work for the other employee to be doing.

        1. Observer*

          they do not do financial audits, nor do they manage anyone

          Not relevant. Anyone in an audit role or in any role around training, procedures and / or compliance (directly or indirectly) absolutely has an obligation to report significant deviation from standard procedure, or anything that looks like that.

    4. Observer*

      It’s 2026.

      Yes, it is. And it’s waaay past time we keep the mindset that it’s ok to look away when someone is stealing.

    5. Bill and Heather's Excellent Adventure*

      Absolutely not, I doubt upper management is aware of this or the manager would have said so. LW4 needs to protect her own job/pay and bring this up.

  31. I should really pick a name*

    I find it interesting that on average Americans have more than 5 sick days.
    I’m in Canada and 5 sick days seems to be the standard (I believe the minimum requirement in Ontario is 3).

    We generally seem to be comparable on things like that, so I’m curious why it’s different for sick days.

    1. Media Monkey*

      would you consider sick days to be part of your compensation? we wouldn’t in the UK – it’s just a thing that you use if you need to, and don’t generally consider it as something you should use or you are missing out.

      1. I should really pick a name*

        Not thinking of it as something I’m personally missing out on (I rarely use all 5), but I recognize that the average person could easily burn through those with one or two illnesses.

    2. Daisy*

      I’m Canadian and I get 7 per year (unionized, public sector). If you don’t use them, at the end of the year they can be converted into money or days off (your choice).

    4. tiny dino*

      I wonder if it’s because we have more legally defined sick time in Canada. Employers may be more inclined to just give the minimum that’s legally required. My understanding is that mandatory sick days in the US are less common (although I assume it probably varies by state), so employers may be more likely to see sick leave as part of their compensation package.

      1. Amateur Linguist*

        Yup — whereas we have clearly defined policies on usage, capability and other relevant things. I had two weeks very sick with the flu early in 2023 and it had just been made much easier to get a sick note — they transitioned from requiring a doctor to sign it in wet ink and someone to pick it up from the doctors (a lot of people would offer to go and collect it if the consultation was done by phone and the patient was too ill; I know my mum offered when I had the flu, but when I was off for stress a few years back during my husband’s illness I actually went to pick it up myself) to electronic issuing and nurses and pharmacists etc licensed to approve them.

        A sick note is mandatory after 7 calendar days but in the past my manager waived the requirement once when I was off with panic attacks during the pandemic and the year after when I broke my ankle and was also off for six weeks. It helped that I didn’t just go off at the drop of a hat, but I genuinely enjoyed working after years on incapacity being broke and bored, so I didn’t feel the need to take what I could.

        But I must admit that post-2023 I can count the days I’ve had sick on one hand. I’m lucky but now I work from home I think I’ve got more energy to look after myself and enjoy my holidays, and again, I enjoy what I do enough not to be dragging my feet. It makes a huge difference to inner morale if the outer conditions are good — good job, good people to work with, a bit of variety and a comfortable set up.

  32. H3llifIknow*

    OP 1: The person(s) you need to talk to are 1) a Therapist and 2) Sam. Not your boss or any colleagues.

  33. EA*

    OP2 I think you should carry on and just take up to 10 sick days if you need them. It seems like they have not actually been taken away yet from you and right now it’s hypothetical.

    I honestly don’t think making a big deal of this will help you at a nonprofit, especially if they are very concerned with people getting exactly equal benefits. At my org we technically have a certain number of sick days, but to be honest everyone just takes the sick time that they need (and it might be that way at yours, given your comments about your boss taking more days). I’d push back if a situation arose where someone really needs a day and isn’t getting it or having their PTO taken.

  34. Festively Dressed Earl*

    LW #1 needs to go to HR about the fact that their spouse is now their supervisor, albeit indirectly. I get that they really like Clarissa as a boss and may not want to risk leaving her, but their initial decision not to work with Sam is still the right one, especially now that Sam is in their chain of command.

  35. Les Cargot*

    #5: Only one acquisition? You have it easy!

    I spent most of my career in a major corporation that has been through so many splits, mergers, and renames that my resume has a line that looks something like this:

    OriginalCompany/FirstSplit/FirstRename/OriginalName/SecondSplit/Merger (Now Acquirer-OriginalName)

    If you recognize the pattern, you’re probably right, and you’re probably at least as old as I am. ;-)

    1. Amateur Linguist*

      My late husband had a wardrobe full of old branded swag from his company’s various changes in branding. It was mostly used for gardening and odd jobs so when he died my mum threw it out, but it was quite fascinating to see all the various names the company had gone by by the time he was made redundant…as they rebranded yet again and moved away from the area entirely.

      He had one mug from the last iteration, and we knew a guy who did film pyrotechnics and asked him to blow it up for us, film it, and give us the recording as a trophy. Unfortunately, pyro is expensive and while the guy made a show reel each year for the convention we went to, he didn’t take requests, since then he’d have to do a lot of others and use up the precious stuff he could instead use to blow up an Ewok purchased at the con charity raffle. (We hiked the prices up trying to save cuddly toys from the pyro-maniac and often raised three figures or so for the local hospice in doing so.)

      Ironically, I now actually drink out of it because it holds some … explosive memories in it.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      Did it, perchance, start as a tobacco company spinning off the food lines? I did some consulting for them in two of their iterations, including the run-up to one of the big splits (grocery staples v sweets/snacks).

      Still miss access to the bargains at the company store, and they had the *best* cafeteria!

  36. LW1*

    LW1 here checking back in. First, thanks to all the folks correcting the gender and pronoun assumptions in the comments. I did intentionally use they/them for Sam and did want to try to remove gender biases from the letter and responses.

    To answer some questions and clarify: I appreciate the reminder that it is my responsibility to hold good boundaries for myself around work. Boundaries in our field are historically not great, and our office is particularly susceptible to this. That influences how I perceived appropriate amounts of information to share with my supervisor. However, that’s not a reason for me to engage in that kind of boundary crossing with others at work. For commenters telling me to find another job, I know that several others in the field are having real challenges finding another workplace. Also, there are some specific needs I meet by staying at this workplace like already qualifying for FMLA, having a position for a significant period of time on my resume, and maintaining retirement benefits while building my side business.

    Sam does know that I hope to move out. I do have a therapist myself who has encouraged me to talk about my plan to move out with others, though I can see that work is not the ideal place for it. This situation is complicated by the fact that I am pretty isolated outside of workplace connections, so I will continue to work with my therapist on this. EAP for legal assistance is a good option that I will keep in mind going forward.

  37. Friendly Office Bisexual*

    Thanks for updating, LW1! It sounds like a tricky situation to navigate. I hope you find the EAP for legal assistance helpful and are able to find supportive connections outside of work (if not in person, maybe online?) You deserve that space for processing.

    1. Friendly Office Bisexual*

      Omg. Nesting fail. Was meant to be a response to LW’s comment, lol.

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