weekend open thread – October 12-13, 2024 by Alison Green on October 11, 2024 This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. Here are the rules for the weekend posts. You may also like:all of my 2022 and 2023 book recommendationsall of my book recommendations from 2015-2021the cats of AAM { 388 comments }
open thread – October 11, 2024 by Alison Green on October 11, 2024 It’s the Friday open thread! The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers. * If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer. You may also like:my boss wants 20% of my salary from my next jobmy manager stole a family heirloom from me and gave it as a gift to someone elseneed help finding a job? start here { 971 comments }
new boss has a different work style, hanging a photo of the president in your office, and more by Alison Green on October 11, 2024 It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go… 1. My new boss has a different work style than my old boss I’ve been in my job for three years under James. I’ve liked working with him and have learned a lot. The work is fairly strategic in nature, and James often asked for multiple approaches to be tested and a lot of workshopping before making decisions. He prioritized creativity and thoroughness over speed. Mostly this worked out fine and he was never unhappy with my work, but sometimes it took a month to do something that I felt could have been done in a week. I would have preferred a little more independence and decisiveness, but overall it was fine. He would also sometimes assign projects and then forget about them when I was finished, which wasted time or resources. James has recently been promoted and is no longer my supervisor. I am now supervised by his former boss, Michael. Michael approaches the role very differently. He is much more focused on getting results and while it’s been a bit more hectic, overall it’s a positive and I’ve been getting a lot more done and feel better that projects aren’t dragging out any longer. Michael has not said anything negative to me but has occasionally queried why something from a while ago was never finished or why an earlier version of something took much longer. I’ve just said the priorities at the time were different but haven’t elaborated. I’m not sure if I should ask for a meeting to explain that I worked at a particular pace because that was what James wanted and I wasn’t slacking off or struggling before. Michael would not previously have known a lot about what I do but I don’t want him to have a negative impression so I’d like to clear the air, while also not blaming James for the previous slower turnarounds. I’d love some advice on how to approach this or if I should even say anything. James still works here, and he and Michael are good friends. I don’t think you’ll necessarily need a specific meeting to address it; it’ll probably be enough if you just add a bit more information each time Michael asks about one of these things. For example, rather than just explaining that X didn’t happen or took a long time because the priorities were different, you could say, “James wanted me to test X, Y, and Z before making a final decision about it, so that added a few weeks to the timeline.” Or, “I did X and Y on project Z but James ultimately decided not to pursue it.” This isn’t throwing James under the bus; it’s giving your current boss factual, relevant context about why things were done. At some point if it comes up organically you could also say, “James preferred to test a lot of angles and his style was to prioritize that over finishing more quickly. I actually really like finishing things quickly and find it more satisfying, so I think my style meshes more with yours in that regard.” 2. Can I have a picture of the president on my office wall? I have a picture of the sitting president and vice president on the wall of my private corporate office. It is not in a common area like the break room, conference area, or hallway. Is this a violation? That’s up to your company! But it’s definitely reasonable for them to say that people can’t put up partisan political messages at work, and they can have a legitimate interest in doing that. It might be more intuitive if you think about how you’d feel about a colleague who had a portrait of the previous sitting president in their office and how that could potentially affect your working relationship or simply be a distraction. (This assumes you’re at a private employer. In the federal government, office buildings frequently hang portraits of the sitting president, although they’re typically in common areas. This is a weird tradition.) 3. “Have a great day!” in email signatures A few people who report to me use an email signature that includes the words “have a good day” or “thank you and have a great day!” before their signature. Emails may include external or internal customer support, as well as day-to-day internal emails. I find this off-putting. Emails could be anything from a neutral customer question, to a very serious problem with a customer account, to responding to a coworker who emailed about their mom being sick. Sometimes it just doesn’t fit with the rest of the email. I think I am also personally annoyed by being told to have a good day. So far, I have not said anything. I assume they have added this to their email template out of kindness. In at least one case, I don’t have the best relationship with the person, and I don’t want to unnecessarily increase tension. Is this just a personal annoyance that I should get over? Is there a legitimate business case in asking them to remove it? It’s mostly a personal annoyance that you should get over. There’s one exception: if they’re not editing that out of emails where it would be inappropriate (like a response to someone saying they’ll be out for bereavement, for example), you have standing to tell them to be vigilant about doing that. Otherwise, though, let it go — after all, if they were manually writing that out every time, it would be too micromanagery to tell them to stop. (This assumes that you’re working in a fairly typical environment where people have some autonomy over the way they write emails beyond this.) 4. Coworker keeps sending timecard reminders to our team’s social group text My team recently doubled in size, and many of the new hires are in their early 20’s, either in their first or second job post-school. We also hired two leads, a brand new position for the expanded team. Both of the leads were outside hires, neither of whom had direct experience in our field, and it seems like one of them, “Taylor,” is struggling a bit to figure out what being a lead means. In their defense, one of the team managers is a huge micromanager and power hoarder who I suspect has not been sharing power well and who I know has pushed back on both leads when they’ve come to management with suggestions for what they might contribute. Neither management nor coworkers with more seniority know what the lead roles are either. (That’s part of the reason none of the existing staff applied for them.) One way this has displayed for Taylor, though, seems to be trying to assert their authority as much as possible in ways that I and other coworkers I’ve chatted with find annoying and counterproductive. The most recent manifestation of this involves a coworker group chat of about 20 people started by one of the other new hires. Now, I don’t want to be in a 20-person group text in any context, but especially not for work. It’s mostly social with people sharing fun photos (followed by a dozen notifications of “Elliott liked this photo”), but recently Taylor has started using it to remind everyone to submit our timecards. They’re doing this by making memes about it, so not only do I get the text from them (before I’ve even clocked in that morning) but also the requisite 5-10 follow-ups that someone slapped an emoji response on the meme. Taylor is not my (or anyone else’s) supervisor, and I do not need or want timecard reminders from them. I’ve muted my own notifications from that group but apparently my phone will neither allow me to leave the group entirely nor prevent notifications from showing in the status bar. Can I just respond in the group chat after the next timecard meme just saying, “Hey, can I request we keep this chat social and leave work messages for email or Teams?” I do like my colleagues and don’t want to seem crotchety, and I think for Gen Z a huge group chat is a pretty innocuous thing, but I am genuinely annoyed. Should I say something to Taylor in person so I’m not calling them out in front of everyone else? Should I just keep dismissing notifications and relax? It’s reasonable to say, ““Hey, can I request we keep this chat social and leave work messages for email or Teams?” And actually it makes it less of a big deal if you just say it casually in the chat rather than having a whole one-on-one conversation with Taylor about it. If you want, you could add, “I don’t always check here and I don’t want to miss anything work-related that I need to see.” But also, this would be A Lot for a lot of people. Could you suggest moving the whole thing to a Slack channel or something else that’s easier to mute/ignore and where you can turn off push notifications altogether (or only have it on work devices)? However, all that only gets at the constant notifications problem, when it sounds like your real issue is with Taylor asserting authority that they don’t have. If that’s the piece you really want to address, that’s a one-on-one conversation with either Taylor or your manager — although if you go that route, focus on examples other than the timecard thing since, while that’s annoying, it’s likely to seem a little nitpicky. If you have more substantive examples, those will be more effective to use. 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my boss says we can’t call out sick any sooner than 2 hours before our shift by Alison Green on October 10, 2024 A reader writes: I work in retail. Today, a coworker was out, which prompted my boss to go over the policy for calling out sick. She explained that employees have to call out two hours before their shift starts, which seemed reasonable. However, she also said that we shouldn’t call out more than two hours early, which seemed odd to me. Her explanation was that her phone would be off and she wouldn’t receive calls after business hours. I asked if it would be better to send a text or email the night before, so she’d still see the message in the morning. She said no, we should wait until two hours before our shift. This is because “you might not feel well at 8 or 9 at night, but you could wake up feeling fine.” After she said this, another employee echoed, “Two hours is the standard policy everywhere.” This is my first time working for a large company as opposed to a small business, so I have to ask, is this actually a standard policy? To me, it seems patronizing to assume employees can’t figure out which illnesses will pass overnight and which ones won’t, especially if we’re talking about a fever, or something contagious. I’m not often ill, so this has never come up for me at my current job, but at my previous jobs, it was never an issue to call or text the night before. Thoughts? No, that’s a ridiculous policy and it’s not standard. You’re an adult. You’re capable of knowing the night before if you’re sick enough that you likely won’t be able to go to work the next day — and there will be times when you’re sick enough that you need to sleep as long as possible without setting an alarm for two hours before your shift. If you’re up vomiting half the night, it’s not reasonable to expect you to set an alarm for a few hours later to call out sick rather than just emailing sooner. That said, you work in retail and retail is notorious for punitive policies that are rooted in mistrust of employees and which infantilize them and make their lives as hard as possible. I suspect your coworker who claimed that two hours is the standard everywhere has only worked in similarly crappy places. Fortunately you can schedule emails and texts in advance to send at a later specific time, which would be a reasonable response to this. You may also like:my coworker pressures me to take his shifts at the last minute ... because he knows I can't afford to say noshould I ask my employee to find her own coverage for sick calls?sick coworker says he can't work alone { 155 comments }
update: boss wants us to do early-morning and evening meetings so he can attend from his vacation by Alison Green on October 10, 2024 Remember the letter-writer whose boss wanted them to do early-morning and evening meetings so he could attend from his vacation? Here’s the update. My question was posted a couple months after I wrote in, toward the end of my boss’s “vacation,” but I ended up doing some of what was recommended. The particular issue I wrote about, the outside of work hours meetings, ended up not being a big issue but my boss’s vacation led to all sorts of other ridiculousness. My boss left for his vacation without a specific plan in place for our meetings and we only ended up having meetings twice, once each during the first two weeks. After his first request for a call, I brought up to the rest of the group that this would be challenging for me, and another colleague with kids said he also had a hard stop at 5 pm. We reported back that we couldn’t do after 5, but could do a 4 or 4:30 pm meeting, which my boss agreed to. I think early on in the trip he was jet lagged but as he adjusted he wasn’t as keen on getting up so early in the morning. He never ended up suggesting a 7 am meeting time, so I guess he wasn’t keen on staying up late either. The last I heard about having any meetings was when he emailed me asking, “Do we have a video call planned this week?” I understood this as a request to set up a meeting. However, since he wasn’t direct about it, I just replied “No, I haven’t heard any plans for this week.” I heard nothing back. Some of the commenters picked up on the part of the letter where I said I would feel bad about not attending meetings, not that I was worried about other consequences. My role was pretty critical to the group and my boss is non-confrontational so I wasn’t at all worried about being fired. I could have just said no to the meetings and I might have gotten a mildly worded email suggesting I try to join. I know I shouldn’t have felt bad but I would have, and it would’ve added an extra layer of stress that didn’t need to be there. What became the real problem is the barrage of emails he’d send us each day, often treating everything as urgent whether or not it really was. This included responses on issues he didn’t have the context on because he wasn’t at our meetings (and that we were able to handle without him just fine) and sending the same request separately to multiple people if they didn’t get back fast enough, which once led to three people repeating the same task. What he lacked in management skills was just made worse when he was managing from his vacation. There were multiple deadlines during his vacation that he didn’t adequately plan for or keep us informed about, which resulted in a lot of last-minute urgent requests to get things done. I knew of one deadline that would come up while he was gone, so before he left I emailed asking if he needed me to do anything to take care of it. I got no response, so I assumed it was handled. Then, the day of the deadline, the person outside our group who was submitting the project contacted me requesting documents, saying that she’d contacted my boss and hadn’t heard back. Since they were due that day and my boss was asleep on the other side of the planet, I had to scramble to get them done as best I could without all of the context. After all that, he finally replied with “no thank you” but a complaint about how I’d worded something. I replied asking how we should be handling things like this while he’s on vacation so this doesn’t happen again, and he just said we all need to make sure nothing falls through the cracks, just like when he’s not on vacation. Unhelpful. It might make more sense to learn that we are academia-adjacent, doing research but also selling the product. My boss runs the group like an absent-minded professor, only caring about the research he finds interesting and dropping the ball on all of the other work and management the position requires. It turned out part of the reason for his trip, and the reason he was so inconveniently located for meeting times, was that he was teaching a class overseas on the topic of our research. One of the most problematic things that came up was that he sent a coworker URGENT requests for material that ended up just being for the class he was teaching. My coworker obliged but I was once again upset on principle because this was not part of our jobs at all. Sure enough, instead of being well rested when he returned, he seemed overworked from teaching a class on top of keeping up with his normal work. He confirmed that he worked every day of his leave. The commenters had some wild speculations about why my boss was taking vacation at all if he was just going to be working. I eventually learned that he was trying to do a financial trick to save the group a bit of money. Apparently the money to cover his salary on vacation days came from a different pot than his regular salary, because the vacation money had already been paid for, in a sense? He hates the part of his job where he has to actually fund the group, so he was eager to save some cash, or I suppose not incur extra costs by letting paid vacation go to waste. I only learned about this because he tried to pull it again later. About a month after returning, he had a planned surgery and was encouraged to go on FMLA until he was able to work again. Well, he wouldn’t let a surgery get in the way of being able to work all the time so he was back at our virtual meeting the very next day and even went to work for our in person days the following week when he had told us he wouldn’t be able to drive for several weeks. A week after the surgery, he sent us an email saying he was going on FMLA for his surgery so he wouldn’t be allowed to go into the office but we could still keep meeting if we kept it on the down-low. This was even more concerning to me than his vacation because there are legal rules around FMLA and I wondered if I was even allowed to communicate with him during his leave. Our HR was competent enough to put an end to this by noticing that he was still working (I’m guessing by watching his email or computer activity) and saying he needed to stop or go off of FMLA. Unfortunately they communicated this poorly, by telling our group admin that she had to pass along the message. I heard from her that HR told her to threaten to fire him if he didn’t stop working and said if they had to, they would threaten to fire our team if we communicated with him during his leave (or, they would tell our admin to threaten to fire us). This is when I learned that his reason for trying to take all this leave is to save money, as the FMLA pay would also have come from a different bucket than our group’s direct funds. My boss was incensed, especially because it was going to take a few days for him to get a doctor’s approval to go off FMLA and he couldn’t be bothered to take even a few days off. He never stopped working, but I assume he ended the FMLA because I didn’t hear any more about it. If his plan had gone through, he would have been on some form of leave for five months out of a seven-month period, all the while working every single day anyway. Bizarre. For this and a host of other issues, I started looking for a new job around the time I wrote to AAM. It took over half a year and some disappointments along the way, but I ended up getting a new position that is a better fit for my experience and a 15% raise! On top of that, the new company ran the interview process really well by AAM standards with lots of timely communication and transparency, so I have a good feeling about how things will be run at the new job. I’d previously been surprised reading through AAM updates at how many people say they left the job they had written in about, but now I see that when you’re writing about one specific weird situation, there are probably a bunch of other issues going on that we don’t hear about. You may also like:boss wants us to do early-morning and evening meetings so he can attend from his vacationeveryone in my office works while they're on vacationeverything you need to know about how to take vacation time { 85 comments }
have you seen Halloween go wrong at work? by Alison Green on October 10, 2024 I’m writing a column for later this month about the ways Halloween at work can go wrong and want to hear your stories. Did your coworker get fired for refusing to remove his unicorn mask to get through security? Did your office put up decorations so grisly that they were traumatizing people? Did a coworker show up in a racist or otherwise offensive costume, or have to deliver bad news to a patient while dressed as a sexy Bridezilla? Did a colleague get fired for treat-or-treating in an important meeting? Please share in the comment section! You may also like:I can't escape Halloween TownI had a panic attack over a Halloween decoration at workmy company wants me to work Halloween and I'm a Halloween fanatic { 655 comments }
disgruntled ex-employee keeps contacting current staff, a toxic friend, and more by Alison Green on October 10, 2024 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Disgruntled ex-employee keeps contacting current employees We had an employee, Lark, who served as a director in our business for about eight months. She chose to put in her notice and leave the company this summer. During her tenure, she repeatedly told several members of leadership that she was unhappy, looking for another role, and hoped we would just walk her out. She never said anything like this to me or my husband (the owners of the business). At the end of the first week of her notice period, we told her that she seemed stressed and was dealing with a lot and she could just take the following week as paid vacation time and not return to the office. After she left, we found out that she was routinely inserting herself into situations that a director should not have been in (such as sorting out daily tasks for entry-level employees) and was constantly telling people that she was the only one who got anything done and she was their “buddy” or “champion.” She never raised any of the issues she was supposedly advocating for in any management meetings. Now that she has been gone for six weeks, we are hearing that she is regularly contacting current members of the management team to ask how project X is going or if they completed project Y — work-related issues that she has no business being involved in at this point. It is causing team members to mistrust senior leadership or not be honest with us. She doesn’t work here, so what can we even do? Everything is hearsay right now because the people she’s contacting won’t show us the evidence (one told us before he quit, which is how we know). We need our team to see how toxic it is for any former leader to be inserting themselves into private business matters and undermining the leadership team. But we also know that if they don’t trust us and we tell them to stop sharing this information with people outside the company, it may give them more reason to mistrust us. What do we do with this toxic behavior? This is bizarre! Why on earth is someone who no longer works there asking people whether they’ve completed specific tasks? It almost sounds like a continuation of the problems when she was there and wanted to be seen as everyone’s champion, and now that she’s gone she can’t let go of her identity as Extremely Involved … but it’s pretty wild to see that happen when she was only there for eight months, and it’s quite weird that the rest of your staff doesn’t find it odd. In any case, it’s not strange or suspicious to remind employees that they can’t share internal info outside the company; that’s a very normal policy to have. The fact that people don’t think it’s weird that a former employee is still inserting herself in this way makes me think that you might have deeper cultural issues than whatever’s up with Lark. The only way to solve this is to lean in hard to good management right now — meaning make sure managers are appropriately engaged with the work their teams are doing, hearing people out and ensuring people have opportunities for meaningful input that you take seriously, being as transparent about possible about decision-making, ensuring people are recognized and rewarded for good work, and otherwise demonstrating through your actions that you’re operating with integrity and openness. That’s the best counter to a toxic former employee like Lark who’s trying to undermine you — but it will take sustained commitment on your end to doing that. Related: my toxic former employee is still spreading negativity on my staff 2. When a toxic ex-BFF joins your company This question is for a very dear friend of mine, Marlie. Marlie works in a very competitive industry. We are both still at the beginning of our careers and are close with a lot of friends from college. Marlie had a close college friend, Amanda, who she bonded with over their shared field and similar backgrounds. After college, they both landed jobs in major cities. They stayed in touch and traveled together, and I joined them on a few of these trips. They had some personality clashes, but things really started to fall apart about a year ago during a vacation. Some of Amanda’ bad behavior included: not bringing her wallet and making us pay for most things (this happened almost every time we’d go out with her), lying and calling Marlie names behind her back, almost abandoning my friend when she decided to hook up with a guy my friend had expressed interest in (this has happened more than once), calling Marlie desperate and criticizing her taste in men, cursing us both out while drunk, and unfollowing Marlie on social media and leaving her texts on read. Fast forward, Amanda lost her job a few months ago and has been searching for a new one. Meanwhile, Marlie is thriving in her job and is very happy. A few weeks ago, after a year of no contact, Amanda reached out asking for interview advice, as she’s interviewing for an open position at Marlie’s company. Marlie never responded. The interview was last week, and there’s a real chance she’ll get the job. Marlie is nervous about the potential of Amanda joining her company and worried she will disrupt the positive work environment. They wouldn’t be on the same team, but she would still see her regularly. Amanda would also likely try to reconnect, especially given the social dynamics at the office. If Amanda gets the job, how should Marlie handle this situation? How can she maintain boundaries with minimal drama and questions from coworkers? Polite professional distance. Some behavior is bad enough that it would warrant Marlie talking to the hiring manager and sharing her experience with Amanda, but the stuff on this list doesn’t rise to that level. Amanda sounds like a bad friend and not someone you’d want to hang out with, but it’s all pretty solidly stuff that points to just not renewing the friendship rather than anything more. If Amanda does get hired, Marlie should be polite but distant. If Amanda makes overtures to grab lunch or otherwise hang out, Marlie should politely decline, saying she’s too busy or so forth. If Amanda pushes the issue, Marlie might need to say, “I want nothing but the best for you, but I don’t think the friendship was good for either of us so I’d rather just be colleagues with different boundaries than we used to have.” 3. Are these interview red flags? I’ve been interviewing for a new job for the past two months. I thought I had gone through the final round (with the head of HR and the managing director) and then was told last minute that there was one more interview with a senior member of the team, who sits across the country from where this position is based. As soon as we got through the pleasantries, she proceeded to tell me that they had to fire the last person in the role, their name, the dates of their tenure, and the fact that they failed multiple performance improvement plans before they were let go. We work in a niche and small field. While I don’t happen to know this person who was fired, I very well could. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, and it is giving me very serious pause about the role. Is this a major red flag? There were other parts of the conversation that were alarming to me, namely, that this person relayed very different information about the annual sales targets (she said they were three times what I had been told by HR), bragged about leaving for the office at 5 am in the morning during the summer months, and gave me conflicting information about the in-office expectations. More seriously, a job can be the wrong fit for any number of reasons, especially at this phase of my career and I would hate to think that if I decided to move on in a year or two, I would be badmouthed all over town about it. Run. This is going to be a clusterfudge. If it were just the discrepancy in the sales targets, I wouldn’t be so worried (as long as the numbers sounded reasonable to you) because HR often doesn’t have the nitty-gritty info about a job in the way a manager will. But all the rest of this = huge red flags. 4. My manager gave me her personal money for a work item I bought My company has a $300 cost limit for a certain type of equipment, but the internal website said the limit could be overruled by higher management approval. My equipment was failing, and the cost for a new one of the exact same brand, specifications, etc. was about $315. My manager approved the purchase, as did her manager, so I purchased the equipment. My reimbursement request was rejected for going over the $300 limit. When my manager and her manager got involved, they were told by the expenses team that despite what the website said, there was in fact no way to go over the cost limit. In the end, I was reimbursed $300 by the company, and my manager insisted on Venmo’ing the remaining $15 from her personal account, which she was not reimbursed for. I felt really uncomfortable taking her personal money when it was our company that caused the error, but she insisted. The expenses team also promised to update the website to make it more accurate. How should this have been handled? The company should have covered the full $315 because it had been approved by your management in accordance with their written policies. They can update the policy, sure, but your manager shouldn’t lose her own money because a written policy was inaccurate. (And really, $15? That’s a de minimis amount for your company to eat in the interests of staff morale.) Don’t feel weird about taking your manager’s $15, though; I’m sure she would have felt far worse if you were the one out the money because of what happened and she probably felt partially responsible. I would have wanted to cover it myself too. 5. Starburst curation My office has a communal candy dish that includes the little two-packs of Starbursts. A coworker has taken to opening these packets, eating only the Starburst flavors they like (pink and orange), and leaving the remaining Starburst squares (red and yellow) behind for others. On the one hand, this strikes me as absolutely unhinged behavior. On the other hand, this unhinged behavior means I also have a whole slew of red Starbursts (my favorite) at my disposal, without even having to gamble for them. Am I obligated to say anything about this behavior, for the greater good? Or, with two Starburst-happy employees in balance, am I in the clear to continue letting crime pay? I’m not sure there’s anything unhinged happening here! If your coworker is opening all the packages and removing the pink and orange Starbursts so there are none for anyone else, then yes, this is boorish behavior. But if they’re just taking a reasonable amount of candy and putting back the individually wrapped ones they don’t like so someone else can have them, this is what top minds consider a classic win/win. Either way, you are under no obligation to speak up and may continue enjoying the red cast-offs without qualms. You may also like:my boss wants us to meet with a spiritualist to fix the negative energy in our buildingmy boss wants me to hire her friend, employee spends lunch driving for Uber, and moremy contact won't stop pressuring me to volunteer while I'm on medical leave { 390 comments }
my abusive father is a beloved public figure — and we have to attend an event together by Alison Green on October 9, 2024 A reader writes: I’m estranged from my father, who was a truly terrible emotional abuser — maybe physical too, if you consider “kick child out of car for turning the volume down during a good song so now he has to walk home along the highway for an hour” child endangerment. We haven’t spoken in years. However, he is a beloved public figure — real national treasure, strangers recognize him on the street. I get a lot of people, including my coworkers or industry contacts, coming up to me, delighted, wanting to send him regards. Many have some kind of connection to him from years ago. Once I tried saying “actually, we’re estranged” and I may as well have thrown ice water over the lady. It’s a lot to drop on an unsuspecting fan. But I find it infuriating that when I quickly change the subject, I am coming across as cold and blunt. Feels like my reputation takes an unfair hit no matter what I say. Here’s the real problem. What should I do about the huge upcoming awards evening where, irony upon irony, we are BOTH finalists (in different categories)? The organizers and media will love the “look, father and son!” angle, mention it on stage, want to take a pic, etc. I refuse to take a picture or share a table with him. But emailing the organizers may frame me as the drama-stirrer attacking a famous man’s spotless reputation. I suppose I could miss the event. But why should I have to? This is all so unfair. Any suggestions? I’m so sorry, what an awful situation. It’s bad enough to have an abusive family member; it adds a whole additional layer of trauma when the world loves the person, doesn’t see who they really are, and thinks you’re incredibly lucky to be associated with them. The onus is not on you to find a way to make this comfortable for other people. You should do what you’re most comfortable with, which means that you don’t need to hide who your father is if you’d prefer not to. But if it’s most comfortable for you to keep things low-key, one line you could try in social situations is “We’re not close.” Or, “We’ve never been close.” That says quite a bit without going all the way to “we’re estranged.” For the upcoming awards event: Would you be comfortable contacting the organizers and saying, “My father and I aren’t close and I would like to sit at a different table from him”? You could also say, “I’m requesting that you not plan any joint photos” if you’re concerned about that. In fact, if you have an agent or other rep, this is something they can and should handle for you, and can probably do it with a reasonable amount of delicacy. I wonder too, if you can bring a guest who will run interference for you — someone who will keep an eye on where your father is and steer you away from him if needed and so forth. You should also decide ahead of time how you’ll respond if you’re asked to do a joint photo so that you’re not having to come up with a response on the fly. One option is a brisk, “No thanks!” You don’t need to explain why, and if people draw their own conclusions, so be it. None of this should come across as you being a drama-stirrer trying to besmirch a famous man’s reputation. You’ll just be calmly and non-dramatically conveying your boundaries without any commentary on him. I think you’re worried that there’s no way to maintain these boundaries without revealing your feelings about your father; you feel like the requests themselves will reveal all, because of what you know they’re rooted in. But remember that families are complicated in so many different ways, and a much less fraught situation could lead to someone making these requests too. You may also like:I don't want to work with my estranged father, changing in front of coworkers at the gym, and moreI manage someone who was terribly harmed by my family ... what do I do?should I tell my boss about a personal situation that might affect my work? { 262 comments }
my employee’s toddler screams in the background of work calls by Alison Green on October 9, 2024 A reader writes: I am a first-time manager of a virtual team, and one of my direct reports works from home 100% of the time. On a recent call, this employee was providing an overview of a new system and in the background, everyone on the project team could hear his three-year-old child screaming. It was distracting and I provided coaching during our next check-in call, sharing that I was not sure if he was aware that others could hear his child. He said that this his child was fussy that morning but in another room. He had hoped that no one heard. Two weeks later, I was on a call where he is presenting a report with other business partners, and this time I heard crying for a few minutes. I couldn’t focus. I asked him to stay on the line at the end of the call, and I shared that it was distracting and I could not follow what he was saying because of the noise. I asked if he was using a speaker or headset. He advised he has a headset and the child was “across the house in another room.” How should I handle this if/when it comes up again? Will I need to threaten to take away work-from-home privileges, which would mean that this employee must make child care arrangements? I don’t think he gets how bad it is or how it reflects poorly on him and me/my team. I answer this question — and two others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here. Other questions I’m answering there today include: My colleague stole creative work and passed it off as his Letting managers sign off on internal transfers You may also like:my coworker screams awful things at her kids during video callswhat's reasonable for managers to expect of parents working from home?my boss's kids are incredibly distracting on video calls { 157 comments }
I manage my partner and he doesn’t know his job is being cut by Alison Green on October 9, 2024 A reader writes: I’m the assistant manager of a workplace where my partner also works. In fact, we met there — when I started working here, we were both in the same customer-facing role, and about a year ago I got the assistant manager role. We’ve so far made this work, although it has been tricky at times. Our workplace is relatively informal; I manage his team but I don’t have to line manage him, and the executive manager steps in where appropriate. However, I’ve just been told we are due to make a wave of cuts to jobs (unfortunately following a sector-wide trend). My job is safe; my partner’s job, and those of his team, are not. He won’t find out about this officially for another two months. My manager and the senior team have asked me not to tell him before then. I feel torn. On a personal level, I don’t want to lie to him. But it’s also unfair and could get complicated if he knows before the other staff. Like most of the team I imagine he’ll feel very strongly about it and is likely to want to try to fight against these cuts (e.g., through our union). But I could face disciplinary action if it gets out that I told him before anyone else. For context, he is currently looking for other jobs anyway, partly so we don’t have to work together but for other reasons too. But while he remains here I can’t see a way forward that doesn’t seriously jeopardize either my job or my relationship! First and foremost, your company never should have put you in a job managing your partner’s team. It’s not enough to not directly line-manage him; you shouldn’t be part of his chain of command at all. That’s unfair to you, him, your colleagues, and your employer — they never should have allowed it. In addition to it being an obvious conflict of interest — not to mention the problem it’s causing you now — it raises all sorts of issues for other people who may want to, for example, bring you a problem with your partner but won’t feel comfortable doing that because of the personal relationship. But that doesn’t help you now. It’s not reasonable for you to be put in a position where you know your partner will lose his job in two months but aren’t allowed to share that with him. You don’t say if you’re married or live together, but if you are, it’s even more unreasonable; you have information about your household’s finances that you can’t discuss or act on. And that’s before we even get into the emotional side of this: most people in your partner’s shoes would feel betrayed if they found out you’d known so far in advance and not told them. He’s likely to feel you prioritized your own professional security above him and above your relationship, and it could have real and lasting effects on his trust in you. That’s not a sacrifice your employer should expect of you. (Which is yet another reason why they shouldn’t have put you in a position over him to begin with.) I only see two ethical options: 1. You share the information with your partner but make it very clear that your company can’t find out that you told him. That means he can’t react to it the way he’s going to want to, and you’d need to trust him to adhere to that. (For the record, he should adhere to that; he should recognize that he’s only privy to the information because of his relationship with you, and that you doing the right thing within the context of your relationship does not entitle him to endanger you professionally. If you can’t trust him to handle that appropriately, there’s a different problem.) 2. You tell your company that you’re in an untenable situation and you need to be able to disclose it to your partner, and you collaborate with them to figure out how to proceed within those constraints. I don’t love this — because when you agreed to take this job you were agreeing to the confidentiality expectations that come along with it — but here you are and it’s a set-up they blessed, and there’s a limit to how much you can be expected to protect the company’s interests above your own. #2 is the best option since it allows you to be honest with both sides, but whether or not it’s feasible depends on what you know of your company’s leadership. You may also like:my manager’s partner speaks up in our private meetingsI'm dating my boss -- can I fix his conflict with another employee?I'm supposed to fire my husband's ex-wife { 273 comments }