I’m not positive — it could have been “I think you could just focus on the work” or it could have been “do not mention the second job, period.” And I want the LW to know that normally you could mention that, even if her boss won’t allow it here.

This is what I came to add. If you were the athlete’s math teacher or something irrelevant to sports, it would be clear that you’re only throwing out their name for clout/name recognition. Better to use a student excelling in the field you taught them! Otherwise the reference doesn’t say anything about your skills as a teacher.

Told not to bring up the second job, but discussing the mediocre performance is fine.

I see no upside, plenty of problems (including a major security risk) and the secrecy is unreliable because the ex-coworker could share it.

I once worked security at a place that had a standard “this persons employment ends on {date}” email they sent out. They used an identical template for everything from firings to someone getting transfered to a different location.

Didn’t OP5 say they were told not to bring it up?

Pretty embarrassing when clients wants an explanation as to why on earth I would arrange a meeting with someone who doesn’t work with us any more (Sorry Mr Jones, I wasn’t informed that Mary had left. If you would like to find a competent organisation, please feel free to do so.).

Amanda is spot on about the effects of such decisions… Who is doing task Y now that person X has left? And how are you supposed to know whether person X is still there to do the job?

Totally bonkers, but it seems that’s in the job description for some managers nowadays…

As a manager, I am concerned about this. We are 100% remote still and will be for some months yet, and a lot of people want to continue, which is fine. I would love to hear more and more about what exactly a manager can do to balance things out as it does seem a bit mission impossible to me – there is no way I can fill in all my reports on the random bits and pieces of information that they would get by having coffee and lunch in the office with others (nor can they fill me in on what’s cooking apparently in some other department). I am onboarding a new person now and it’s really a lot more difficult than in person. We are a highly collaborative team, so there is that – nobody does their work on their own here.

So, yeah, hybrid will be tough in many ways. Which is ok, but, again, good to have this conversation, thanks Alison.

Thanks for those, Pikachu, I’d somehow managed to miss them. (Darn it, there are so many great posts on this site it’s impossible to catch them all!)

For me, it’s a pet peeve (akin to not refilling the coffee pot or failing to close the printer tray); it only tips into “Look at this b!tch right here” if I already dislike you as a person.

Came here to mention Maintenance Phase, glad to see it already here! I think for me, I was already in a place where I didn’t think fatness was a moral failing or anything, and was kind of in the line of thinking “it’s not a matter of self control, there are other factors that have a much larger impact on people’s weight, so we as a culture should address those issues instead of railing at fat folks.” But Maintenance Phase was the thing that got me to actually question the assumption that “of course, if we as a country or race were thinner overall, obviously that would be better.” Like, I genuinely had never had the thought that fatness (on a societal scale) is not a thing that needs fixing. People can just be fat and it’s fine! And I really credit Maintenance Phase with that.

Then perhaps you should find the cave you so richly desire instead of calling other people names for having different feelings?

I rushed over here to say exactly that! Beware that your future funny stories may now have a conduit back to your boss.

Lindy West spoke about that phenomenon in an interview once; she pointed out that when she got styled for pieces, she was put in heavily structured, vintage-style pieces instead of the flowier clothing she personally favored, because the stylists were kind of compensating for her fatness with increased formality and structure that gave her a more “acceptable” shape.

Dude, no. This isn’t the answer, and you should know by now that “not letting it get to you” isn’t an option when it’s about someone screwing with your paycheck. Please take your respectability politics baggage elsewhere.

True, but there are meaningful differences in the systemic experience of bias fat people have that you simply don’t. It’s a bit like when white people complain about being teased for being “too pale” when Black and brown people discuss our experiences of being treated as inherently less attractive/valuable due to our skin color.

Please be aware that the friend who invited your manager, when you make the request may tell your manager about the request/why. It will be an awkward while, but if your manager is a decent manager– and I know you don’t care for your manager, but say nothing about their skills as a manager, nothing comes from it besides a bit of awkwardness.

However, you will now need to be aware of work anecdotes, as your friend may pass it on to your manager. Not that you should every really be specific about work stories out of work, but you need to be more careful now. Your friend does not owe you confidentiality if you complain about your manager, while you know your manager is her friend.

Your friend may also find that they prefer your manager’s company, that is something you should be aware of. That can happen, and if so, even though it might be very hard, a friend preferring friendship with their friend who is also your manager, over your friendship, is not something you can win/argue against. Just to prepare you for that option.

Also a half-hour lunch break is pretty stingy, so this employer sounds not great already!

Unfortunately this idiot does greatly impact OP’s quality of life. OP said nothing about their inner feelings of self-worth so let’s not condescend with unrelated platitudes.

I think “embracing our fat bodies” means not drawing a firm line between “fat” and “normal healthy weight with feminine curves,” if that’s what you mean.

Curves aren’t feminine or unfeminine–they’re just curves. Some bodies have then and some don’t. It sounds like you’ve dealt with a history of problematic thinking, so I don’t know what your framework is for what “normal healthy weight” means; some people use that to mean, “you’re fat and need to become smaller, so that you are a ‘normal,’ ‘healthy’ weight,” even if they don’t actually care what “normal” and “healthy” actually mean–they just care about beauty standards. And I’m pretty sure that’s not what Oryx meant!

I took “embracing our fat bodies” to mean, “My body is fat, yes, FAT, and I love it because it keeps me alive and allows me to do all the wonderful things that I do. It’s my body, and I’m not going to be mean to it.”

All that to say: it’s the shocking ignorance of REMINDING YOU ONLY TO TAKE HALF AN HOUR FOR LUNCH that’s making steam come out my ears. What in the actual F. Like surely you probably need more than half an hour?!? The mind boggles.

I’m so, so sorry. You don’t deserve this in the least and I hope you find a new, wonderful company and boss very soon.

I feel bad about the pile on. But I also hope that Jan got fired. And I hope that the OP got a better job – their management really put them in an impossible situation.

I am in HR and although I haven’t had this issue, I’ve had other non protected “why am I being treated differently?” conversations, and would have no issue asking that of their manager to have them think through what is happening a bit.

Very much that one.

That was terrifying. I kept wanting to know why the bird-phobic guy felt like he had to push her for him to be safe. Was there nowhere to run or hide? I’d have expected someone to duck and cover their face in that situation.

Yeah, all of what Blarg said.

Yay for both!

Yeah. I’d love an update on that one. That was creepy.

I’ve certainly seen a lot of people have their eyes opened to fatphobia over the years which has changed their behaviours for the better.

However, more often than not, it has been a very forceful opening of the eyes in question, usually via them, or someone very close to them, becoming heavier (and thus directly impacted by fatphobia and its terrible impacts). And, usually, the person has become heavier due to an injury, medication, surgery, pregnancy and after-birth complications and/or being unable to shift the normal post-baby weight with ease (because who can!), etc, so the circumstances all round were quite unpleasant and stressful for the person who had become heavier.

I’ve always been relatively slim-to-average in weight, but am busty and have a naturally hourglass figure (which can look “fat” in certain types of clothes and never fails to attract unwanted attention, no matter how “covered up” I am), so I can relate first hand to nasty body-specific appearance assumptions that people make, including in the workplace.

I have never understood this behaviour in some people. Being busty or fat or tall or having blue eyes or dark hair means exactly zilch about someone’s skill or intelligence, especially in the workplace, just like being flat-chested or skinny or short or having brown eyes or red hair means exactly zilch.

(Obviously, in physical jobs, your strength and fitness can impact your performance, but plenty of skinny people are not strong or fit, while plenty of “fat” people actually are. Two of the physically strongest people I have ever worked with were a skinny, short dude and a lovely woman who was five-foot-six in heels and quite heavy.)

https://www.askamanager.org/2018/01/employee-sent-out-photos-of-a-coworkers-stoma-bag-what-should-i-do.html

Once you’ve been in a four hour meeting with no breaks and lots of coffee…(shudder).

I would only go to HR about this if HR/company culture is generally responsive to issues of bullying, non-protected harassment, etc. any issue that is not “what are we legally required to do” but “what would make a good workplace for everybody”.

Those do exist and would absolutely step in to mediate. But if OP is new to this company they may not know which their company is yet.

Somebody mentioned the spicy food thief in replies on Buzzfeed the other day.

I read one too, though I don’t remember where. The solution the dude came up with though was that everybody had to work from home on the same days which…. Kind of defeats part of the purpose of work from home which is flexibility.

SFWA (Science Fiction/Fantasy Writers of America) has a pdf packet for writers that covers this. Kameron Hurley, I believe, has an article called “The Internet of the Dead” that discusses this, especially those who have generated intellectual property.

Just popping in to say hi to a fellow Pumper. :) Good luck at work….be thinking of you.

Ugh, I remember that Fergus.

Oh, the leap day letter!! That one was maddening! I deal with a lot of contracts at work and leap day comes up more than I would have thought as a thing we have to pay attention to, so at least weekly I think of LW and her awful, awful boss. I want an update!