Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer asking if she could do anything about an aggressive-driver coworker (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

I truly didn’t imagine there would be an update, because “let this one go” seemed like the right call. But in early October, I ended up filing a police report about this driver after he tailgated me up two floors of our parking garage repeatedly screaming “fuck you” because [checks notes] my gate opened before his and I tried to follow the right of way by going first. I also filed a complaint with HR, because screaming obscenities at people is pretty clearly against our code of conduct. (If you ever find yourself in this situation, apparently the most relevant legal detail turned out to be that I tried to pull over and let him pass, but he continued to tailgate me and scream.) But best of all, I found a different route to work that only takes me a minute or two longer and ensures we don’t cross paths!

I was really hesitant to report, but the campus police handled it well, and I was asked what I wanted out of reporting in a way that gave me agency over the process. (I know reading “what do you want out of this” feels kind of aggro, but the tone was, “because we want to help make that happen.”) I told them I just wanted someone to impress upon this guy that traffic laws apply to him and he isn’t invisible or invincible. An officer spoke to him at work about what was officially a “road rage incident,” and there are now regular speed checks at the point where his behavior was most egregious.

A quick note for other people in this situation: I wish I had reported him much sooner! With the caveat that campus police are probably able to have different priorities than city police, the officer I worked with really impressed on me that I don’t have to wait until someone is actively screaming at me to call — repeated reckless driving along the same route is something they are very willing to post officers about!

Also, I know this is already long, but I want to call out my manager for really having my back here. I was planning to just lodge an HR complaint, and he gently reiterated that this behavior deserved a more serious response than opening a ticket. I hesitated, and he immediately offered me his office if I needed a private place to make the call. That was exactly the right move, not least because I hadn’t even consciously realized part of my hesitation about calling was that, from my desk, all of my coworkers would hear all of my business, and I was still feeling pretty shaken up. Just a small but concrete thing he did that really made a difference for me, and something I hope other managers with private offices will keep in their back pockets when they have direct reports in cubes.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. How do I tell coworkers I’m married when they don’t think I am? (#2 at the link)

Your advice was indeed very helpful. I ended up telling a few coworkers I was closer to by casually mentioned my husband here and there when an opportunity naturally arose. Everyone took it in stride and didn’t seem fazed at all, like the comments said it would be. How I ended up telling my workplace at large was another story!

What happened ended up being pretty interesting. I work in public service and a customer started harassing me by repeatedly asking me out and bringing me gifts. I was growing increasingly frustrated by the situation (which was well addressed by my employer!) and vented about the customer to my coworkers.

My one coworker suggested wearing a fake ring to deter the customer and I said I didn’t need to wear a fake one — I was married for real! There was a brief moment where everyone sort of paused and then the coworker said, “Well, there you go!”

After that, I started wearing my ring to work and slowly worked my way up to mentioning my husband here and there. My husband and I are doing great and recently went on a trip to Europe.

Overall, no one was weird except me and I learned how to bite my tongue at work. I was definitely a chronic over sharer in the past. I also moved into a supervisory role recently and have been more private in general as I set some boundaries between myself and my direct reports, and I find myself enjoying the separation between my work life and private life.

Thanks for all of the advice and reassurance from you and your readers!

2. Eating tiny lunches in a group (#2 at the link)

The advice was really helpful. I also appreciated the perspective shift, as you (and readers) were correct about my coworkers simply being concerned I wasn’t eating enough, or that I hated the venue. I ended up following a combination of advice depending on the situation.

For the casual work lunches, after a few months, everyone mostly got used to it. I became known as the “light eater” and only need to endure some light ribbing about it now. I also discovered if I claimed I was “intermittent fasting,” instead of “not being hungry,” my portions were much more accepted, and were even praised as being healthy! Truly, marketing is a terrifying tool.

For the more formal work dinners and lunches, my first line of defense is to ask my neighboring coworkers if they’d like to split a huge shared meal, like a pizza. No one tends to notice when I only eat 1 or 2 slices slowly, and the rest kind of evaporates over the course of the meal. My backup strategy is to find a fancy “jumbo appetiser” that I can nibble at, like a cheese board, oysters, or salad. Since these are quite pricey and extravagant, everyone feels like I’m happier with my meal, especially since they tend to come out looking like more food than they are. You don’t tend to eat the oyster shells, for example.

Thanks again to you and your readers for the excellent advice!

3. Employee gave lots of notice, but now we have someone who could replace him (#2 at the link)

So. This took a turn … but I’ll get to that.

In terms of your advice, I went back to my boss with it and it made a huge difference. He took some time to really reflect on how the long notice periods serve him and his employees well. He went back to Lance and let him know what was going on, and that he would need to check back with him later on. Lance later got a different job, but my boss says that if Lance is looking again he knows to come back to us, and Lance has a really good impression of our company.

Gary continued working as usual, generally a good-natured hard worker while being fairly new to the employment world (in his early 20s). One day, a couple weeks before his last day, I got news that he had assaulted a coworker (Steve) on a job site by hitting him in the chest with a long pole-like tool they use as part of their work. Steve had the wind knocked out of him, and immediately called paramedics because he thought he was dying — having never had it happen before. Police also came to the site due to the nature of the injury, and Gary was arrested and taken into custody for assault with a deadly weapon. Consequently, he was let go from his position at our company.

Steve is OK! He was checked out medically and cleared to come back to work right away but my boss gave him some time off anyway. Last I knew about Gary he had moved out of state, though still has court date(s) in the future. It was all very sad, because Gary was lovely to be around and well liked, and we were all shocked that he would do that! He and Steve were arguing on site and Gary lost his temper and hit him — immediately apologizing and trying to help him. We later learned that he grew up in an environment where lots of friends and family get into fights, I guess? And this wasn’t out of the ordinary for him, as much as it was a shock to all of us.

So there’s your update! I’ll be sure to let you know if we hire Lance in the future.

4. Can I ask an employee if they need an eye exam? (#3 at the link)

I took your advice and jumped straight to showing what tools I used to a) see blurriness b) correct the issue. The zoom function is definitely our friend when looking at communications deliverables. We haven’t had a problem (with this issue) since!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. An industry colleague is lying to me about a dispute we had years ago

Oh boy do I have an update. Buckle up!

I took your advice and filed the interaction as “intel about Elsa.” The coffee got cancelled because her kids were sick, we never rescheduled it, and I never heard anything more about the case study. While I dreamed of doing a “mic drop” moment, I decided to be the bigger person here.

And then … my organization got restructured, and while my job is safe, I have been seconded to a different organization in the same industry. It’s a great development opportunity and I’m mostly enjoying it. Except…

For the last few months, I have been working with Elsa on a joint application for federal funding for the program I work for. The whole way through, she and Sven were very clear that they wanted to partner with us. I would have preferred we didn’t, given Elsa and Sven’s past behavior, but it was already in train when I arrived so it was a case of sucking it up.

The day after the deadline for funding applications closed, I got an email from the funder asking for clarification about the two applications. At which point, my brain exploded.

Sven and Elsa have put in a separate funding application for the same project. They took the information we shared in good faith, undercut the partnership, and made it sound like the partnership was submitted under duress, when we have emails and texts to the contrary.

My CEO saw red and contacted their board, who had no idea that Sven had put the application in. In fact, they’d just congratulated Sven on his efforts to collaborate with us! When cornered, Sven apparently said he was “covering his bases, and it’s not personal.”

So now the future of our funding (and my job) is in jeopardy, I spend half my day screenshotting emails and writing file notes for every interaction with Sven and Elsa, and I’ve come to the conclusion that they missed their callings as Shakespearian-level actors. It’s a crazy world…

2. Coworker says she loves shoplifting

Our young shoplifting friend has been a source of chaos and positive change, so I thought I would send a tiny update.

The self-described shoplifter, “Alice,” was seen rummaging through Security Guy’s drawers looking for his keys to a locked cabinet. He got mad at her (even vented about getting her fired, but considering that neither of us has that power, I think he was just blowing off steam) and I gather he was pretty harsh.

At our next all-staff, Alice began crying as she described how upset she was about being chastised for this faux pas. The locked cabinet contains items like beanies, metallic blankets, and water bottles for use in one-on-one conversations with our most vulnerable patrons, and she was trying to help someone in a way that was 100% in line with her job. Security Guy gruffly offered to unlock the cabinet in the morning and relock it when he leaves so that those items are freely available to the front desk staff during the day. (Even though the cabinet is in a locked staff area, stuff gets stolen overnight.)

So not a huge update but I thought people might enjoy that her anarchic energy does some good in the workplace! There was a very informative discussion in the comments about shoplifting. Apparently, for a lot of people it’s a pretty normal part of growing up and young adulthood that those of us who didn’t/don’t participate just have no idea about.

Separately, I listened to a podcast episode about the book Who Moved My Cheese? and realized that lingering trauma from a very mean boss that I had when I was fresh out of college is probably part of why I am so solicitous about the young people in my workplace, but that’s neither here nor there.

3. I got chastised for intervening with a friend’s hiring efforts (#2 at the link)

You were right on the money. I apologized to Ben the next week (it was the earliest we had a chance to talk privately) and his response was more or less to forget about it — he accepted my apology and said quote “that’s last week’s problem.” It hasn’t come up again since.

It turns out that the reason they were being canny about hiring was because they already had someone in the pipeline — a returning employee who has since started and is fantastic. She is doing a great job and I can see why they would worry about anything that jeopardized her ability to join us. I think my biggest mistake was not trusting Ben, et al, to make a good call here.

There don’t seem to have been any long-term ramifications. We are expanding my part of the organization and I have been tapped as the subject-area lead (think most senior non-management person) on a new team we are now forming. The role is not a promotion in itself, but it’s high-importance/high-visibility and opens up a clear avenue for promotion in the next year or two that I didn’t have before. Abe (my manager) and I did a sort of mini-performance review in preparation for my transition to that and absolutely nothing about this issue was mentioned; I am still considered a top performer. (It still could come up in my “real” yearly review, I guess, but I don’t know that I expect it to at this point.)

I want to thank you and the commenters for the advice and discussion. It was fascinating to see such divided opinions — some people were like “why is this a problem at all?” and some people were like “this was even worse than you thought and a borderline fireable offense.” As best I can tell, it boils down to organizational culture, and I was over the line for my particular org.

4. Employee is demanding Diet Coke as a religious accommodation

My friend and I read through your answer together, which was helpful for us to get a conversation started about what to do, and then talked through a few possible scenarios. We are both managers and I had never encountered a situation like this before so it was very interesting to discuss how to ensure that someone’s religious accommodation is met and that they feel included in an event, while also aligning with the mission of the organization.

My friend ended up telling Jane that Diet Coke would not be served at the event, and that that was non-negotiable, and then asked her if she would like to be involved in picking the mocktail options. As I understand it, she did push back a bit, but eventually decided that she wanted to help pick non-alcoholic drinks to ensure there would be something she liked. Ultimately this seemed to go over well, and the fundraiser was successful.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

In 2018, I printed a letter from someone asking whether they should tell an employee about a dream predicting he would die on September 25, 2024 (#3 at the link). They promised to update us after that date, and many of you wrote to me on September 26, 2024 asking if I’d heard back. Here’s the update.

A promise is a promise!

I’d only been working at that job a few months when I wrote in! As far as I know, my former employee is very much alive and even asked me for a reference a few months ago. He was a mostly good employee, but had been promoted too fast and fell into the classic trap of thinking there’s a level of seniority or management that exists where you no longer have to work to build consensus with stakeholders and can just do whatever you like. He eventually left for another job, which he then left to run his own company, which went under after three months. He’s at another company and unhappy enough to be looking for his next big thing. I left the job where I managed him in early 2021, so if I’m the most recent reference he thinks might have something positive to say … well, he might not have died in 2024, but the jury’s still out on his career.

P.S. Thanks to you for telling me not to say anything, and to the commenters for asking what the hell was wrong with me. Later that year, I was diagnosed as autistic! Not something I consider to be WRONG with me, per se, but definitely explains why I didn’t see an issue with wanting to tell him (and to this day, I would prefer someone tell me if they had the same dream!). I’m in a new job with a boss who loves my direct and strategically-minded demeanor, and I have gotten better at knowing when not to say something — although I now have good friends both at work and outside work who will tell me when I can’t say something.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer asking whether to tell an employee she needed to give a clearer “no” to a client who was interested in her? Here’s the update.

Many thanks to you and all the commenters who weighed in on my letter! I feel like I gained valuable insight from all the personal anecdotes. To clarify some speculation: I am a woman; I have been hit on before by men; thankfully, I have never encountered violence as a response to my rejection. I am saddened that so many folks could easily offer up bad lived experiences.

The first thing I did was I spoke to Ryan privately and told him clearly that he needed to 1) delete Emma’s number from his phone and stop contacting her on social media and 2) not ask out folks who are at work. I could see the realizations dawning as I was speaking to him, and he was appropriately embarrassed and apologetic. He pulled out his phone in front of me to delete all her info. He asked if he should apologize to Emma directly, but I told him that was unnecessary–that I would pass along his apology to her. A few weeks after I addressed this with him, he initiated another private conversation with me. He wanted to thank me for my clear and direct delivery; he was also very honest and self-reflective that the episode had prompted him to reconsider how he was meeting people, how to be more purposeful with that, and to generally branch out more and seek more friendships. He is still a happy customer.

Emma and I kept in touch throughout and I followed up afterwards to let her know I had spoken to Ryan, he had deleted her info, and he sent his apologies. She was satisfied with that and remains a solid member of my team. She did not lose wages or shifts due to the reschedule.

Emma also granted me permission to speak about the episode at our upcoming all-staff meeting (without mentioning her specifically.) Several useful comments from your readers helped me realize that I could do more to clarify behavior expectations for both my customers and my team. But I kept circling back to this thought: what good is any sort of non-fraternization policy if I don’t properly train my team on how to respond if / when someone pushes that boundary?

I wanted my team to know that they had my support when facing tricky situations, and felt I could also do more to encourage them to step into their own authority to handle those episodes. I offered scripted language they could use, talked through best and worst case scenarios, and laid out an important baseline: that I would back them up in whatever way they needed to handle the situation in the moment, but what I also needed from them was to keep me in the loop when something happens. This is part of what initially frustrated me with the situation with Ryan and Emma; I felt like I was late to the issue. I would have preferred to hear from Emma the very first time Ryan made her feel uncomfortable, at the initial ask for her number; then we may have been able to avoid altogether the unwanted text messages, social media follows, etc. Talking through all this with my team was productive.

On a personal note, the episode and especially all the comments yielded very interesting conversations with my family. I especially appreciated hearing perspective from my college-age nephew about how he has seen it go well–and poorly–when asking a girl out. I do think we have new norms that are not always immediately obvious to people, so I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow from this. Many thanks to you and your readers!