can I suggest that my employee rethink her career, pimple patches at work, and more by Alison Green on April 4, 2025 It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go… 1. Can I suggest that my employee rethink her career path? One of my direct reports, “Mindy,” has worked for my organization since college; she’s now 31. I joined the staff three years ago and enjoy her a lot as a person: she’s smart, has a wonderful attitude, is very diligent and organized, and brings her best to every project. The problem is that I don’t think she’s on the right career path. Right now Mindy does communications work. but the issue is that she’s not a very good writer, which is a fundamental skill for the job. We do a lot of writing and it has to be done well, and her pieces require lots of rewriting. After nearly a decade of writing projects, LOTS of coaching from me and her previous manager, plus related degrees, her work still needs endless rounds of revisions and is just overall not good enough. She wants so badly to do a good job and have a thriving career in this field, though! She has so much potential and I want her to succeed as a professional … but she flat-out doesn’t have some key fundamental skills needed. However, I think she’d be great at marketing. She’s very good at analyzing and planning, and marketing jobs don’t require the same need to constantly produce really high-level written pieces. I’ve worked in marketing in the past and her strengths would be huge assets for that type of work, and it’s a career that wouldn’t involve the skills that she hasn’t been able to develop. It’s not a job that exists at my organization, though. We have a good relationship and talk regularly in our check-ins about career growth. Is there a way I can diplomatically tell her that while I don’t think she’s suited for a career based around writing, I think she’d make an excellent marketer? I want to navigate this carefully with her so that she feels supported and respected, even if it means essentially telling her she should consider eventually finding a new job elsewhere. Bonus related question: I’m at the point where I’m going to outsource a large annual project Mindy is usually very involved with. The quality of her work is poor enough that it will be faster, much less stressful, and will turn out much better if we hire a consultant to do it. Is there a respectful way I can explain that she’s not going to be working on that project anymore because of the quality of her work? Should I even tell her that? I know I wouldn’t be doing her any favors by hiding the reason for hiring the consultant, and I’ve been consistent in addressing her work quality, but I have no idea how to approach that conversation. Yes, please tell her! In fact, you could use the outsourcing of the annual project as an opening into that conversation — first “here’s what I’m doing and why, and here’s what the issues were when you worked on this in the past” and then “I’ve been reflecting on where you’ve been struggling, and I want to be honest with you that while I know that you’ve been working extremely hard — and frankly you’re a pleasure to work with — I haven’t seen the level of writing that we need for this role. I see your strengths as more ABC, which I think would make you fantastic at projects like XYZ.” I do think there’s another question here, which is whether you’re going to be able to keep her on at all if she’s not able to work at the level that you need. Ideally, of course, you’d have this conversation, she’d reflect and come to agree, and she’d move in that direction on her own. But if she doesn’t, you’ll need to figure out whether the issues rise to the level of something that jeopardize her current job or not. (Based just on your short letter, it sounds like they may. If that’s the case, since it sounds like you have an excellent and supportive rapport with Mindy, I’d try to do it through a series of candid and supportive conversations that end in a mutual agreement that she will move on — but I’d also be thinking about how you’ll handle it if that mutual agreement doesn’t occur.) 2. Hickies revealed in the locker room This is more of a philosophical question than anything else. Is it okay to have visible hickies at work if they are normally covered by clothes and only seen when taking off your shirt in the locker room? Technically my coworkers might see that I have a sex life, although locker room etiquette is of course that everyone becomes invisible until their clothes go back on. Still: is this something to avoid? No one in a locker room should be paying any attention to the parts of your body that are revealed while you’re changing clothes. That said, there’s a difference between “should” and “will.” If part of your body is covered in what look very much like sex-related bruises … well, assume people may have thoughts about that, so proceed accordingly. They certainly shouldn’t say anything to you about it, but is that info you want your coworkers to have in their heads about you? If it’s a single small bruise, it’s almost certainly a non-issue, but I can imagine things that would be significantly more revealing than that. (For example, if your ass bears evidence that you’re into spanking, it’s better for everyone if you use a non-work gym that week.) Related: is it unprofessional to have hickeys at work? 3. Wearing pimple patches at work I want to get your take on wearing pimple patches at work. I have a new employee who is Gen Z who wears pimple patches on her face, sometimes multiples of them, at a time. Our workplace is corporate with a semi-strict dress code, but it often goes fairly ignored. For example: the dress code says no leggings, but people often wear them, including my boss. Also, the dress code says no sneakers but people often wear stylish sneakers. I wear pimple patches all the time, but wouldn’t wear them myself at work. We frequently conduct meetings via Zoom, and I feel like this comes across as unprofessional, but I could be off in terms of whether this is acceptable to another generation or other cultures. It really depends on the office, but the culture has definitely moved toward seeing pimple patches the same way as bandages (i.e., fine to wear at work). Particularly if they’re clear or flesh-colored, I’d mentally categorize them as bandages and ignore. If they’re brightly colored, it gets more into questions about your particular office culture (and if you’re unsure how it’s playing there, I might ask someone senior to you whose judgment you respect if it feels out of sync in your particular office). 4. My boss keeps using WhatsApp, Signal, and texts to contact me I have a new boss (about two months) who pretty much never replies to emails. She’ll WhatsApp/Signal chat me instead. This is definitely not the culture, and I personally find it really annoying as I usually only use these apps for personal reasons or if there’s an urgent issue. She’ll also text me after hours / on weekends for not time-sensitive stuff. Sometimes it is actually urgent so I can’t mute her and check on my own schedule. Having to monitor three channels of communications with her is exhausting, especially as someone who’s trying to keep better work/life boundaries, and logistically annoying because if I’m trying to refer back to something, it’s not as easy as just searching one platform for the conversation. That said, she’s not aggressive or scary like some other bosses who text at all hours. Is there a way I can ask her to stick to email unless it’s time (or otherwise) sensitive, or as the lower in the hierarchy do I have to just accept her way as a new annoyance of my job? I am pretty senior in my organization but she is clearly above me in the hierarchy There are other issues with her management style which I don’t find to be the most strategic, but not to the level of my considering quitting over. Yes, you can say something! I’d frame it this way: “I don’t really use WhatsApp or Signal so I’ve been missing messages when you contact me there. Could we stick with email so I can be sure I see everything you send me?” And the next time she texts you after-hours, wait a while before responding (to reinforce that it’s not work time) and then say, “I’m going to move this to email so it’s with our work messages; I’m trying to keep work stuff off my phone. I’ll email about this shortly!” Do that enough and it might retrain her. You may also like:is it unprofessional to have hickeys at work?HR questioned me for hours about a sex injuryhow can I avoid my boss on social media? { 22 comments }
can I resign but still ask for severance? by Alison Green on April 3, 2025 A reader writes: Last summer, an old mentor from my past company — who led a couple projects I was on but was not my direct manager — took a new VP role and sent for me. I had applied for a role on her team at our former org and didn’t get it, but was able to create a similar opportunity for me at her new org. I’m absolutely grateful. The tricky thing is I’m actually not happy here. This company is not my jam overall and I only somewhat give a shit because of my mentor and now boss. But as you’ve written about before, going from a friend (albeit a senior friend) to a manager had unexpected growing pains now that the dynamic is markedly different. I can sense things going south (i.e., at a recent off-site, I got feedback about my attitude and communication resulting from frustration with the org as a whole, and my gap in executive presence has had repercussions and has also created tension with my boss for making her look bad) and while I still have a sense of duty to someone who has advocated for my career, this company as a corporate entity can go fuck itself. Here’s where I’m stuck. I’ll be eligible for unemployment in April and will have accumulated enough hours. I’m not interested in resigning altogether (and can’t collect unemployment if I do), and I want to preserve relations with my boss and leave on good terms rather than being a miserable employee and leaving on bad terms. Is it an option at all to have a frank conversation negotiating a smooth exit that they initiate, and with severance? It’s possible! The severance part is less certain, although it’s possible too. Since it sounds like your boss knows things aren’t going well and probably won’t be surprised to hear you’re not loving it there, can you have a candid conversation where you lay out your concerns? You could say something like, “I really appreciate how much you’ve advocated for me, so I want to be up-front with you that I’m increasingly thinking Company isn’t the right place for me. I’ve encountered issues XYZ, and I’m concerned I’ve also caused problems for you since you brought me in. I’d like to be realistic that it’s not working out, and I wondered if you’d be open to negotiating a planned transition out of my role, where I could file for unemployment while I look for another job? Ideally I’d hope to discuss severance as well, with the hope of bringing this all to an easy resolution for everyone.” Your manager might hear this with some relief! If it’s been clear to her that things aren’t working out, it’s easier to have you raise it before she has to and to have you offer a clean solution for everyone. However, on the severance part: Companies typically only pay severance when they’re firing someone or laying them off. The idea is to give you a financial cushion so your income isn’t yanked away overnight (typically in exchange for you signing a general release of any possible future legal claims against them, whether or not they think you actually have any). However, there are some occasions where you can try to negotiate severance when you’re leaving voluntarily — like if it’s clear your work isn’t going well but your employer would prefer not to fire you (this might be your situation), or when you moved for a job that turned out to be very different from what you were promised and the employer feels guilty about that, or if the employer is worried you might have a legal claim against them for something otherwise. In your case, you’d basically be asking them to offer severance in exchange for a relatively clean exit from a messy situation. You don’t have a ton of leverage to negotiate it, but you can certainly ask without looking ridiculous. (And if there’s anything that would give you more leverage — like that you left a good job for this one and it ended up being different work than you were told — definitely mention that.) You may also like:my mentor gives me terrible advice and berates me when I don't follow itmy boss and mentor runs hot and cold with mehiring manager wants to fire my mentor and replace him with me { 55 comments }
update: my boss is pressuring me to work more hours … I just came back from stress leave by Alison Green on April 3, 2025 Remember the letter-writer whose boss was pressuring them to work more hours when they had just back from stress leave? Here’s the update. Good news all around, thank you for the advice — I desperately needed to hear it. It ended up working out — eventually. Brian’s outbursts, yelling, and general unreasonableness got worse after I wrote in, to the point where he would shout at me and everyone else in front of the team. I’m proud of keeping my cool in those moments, but I was in tears afterwards. It sucked. “Nobody is bigger than the project” became a sort of meme on our site, which was a funny upside. It seemed targeted against me, with him nitpicking my work and trying to embarrass me in front of the team to the point my client and subcontractors were asking why my project manager had it out for me. I also got close with our client, who loathes Brian, so that’s nice! Because our project was so distressed, our ops manager, Luke, ended up taking more of an active role in managing the job, and thus Brian’s performance. He was onsite more, so I was able to skip Brian and talk to him about what was going on (because he had eyes, he had also seen what was happening). I also did end up going to HR, and they were great — they agreed that Brian was out of step with the org culture, and made sure that I had backing to set boundaries around my work. I also did have a discreet chat with my mentor and he flipped his lid at what was happening, so I think that’s one reason why Luke was looking at Brian’s performance. I ended up electing for mediation so Brian and I could work out how we could work together (outcome: he would be less of an ass and I would proceed as usual). The damage was done and I was mega burnt out, so I agreed with my ops manager and Brian that once my work was handed over, I would go on long mental health leave from October 2024 to late January 2025, so that I could move back home from this regional hellhole. The leave was amazing, my husband got a job, and the break let me reassess what I actually wanted. Turns out, not my current high hours, high stress job. 38 hours a week sounds like paradise to me right now, and I don’t even have to take a big pay cut to work client side. Thanks to my close relationship with our client, they helped me find a new job. I’m starting there with three days WFH at the end of April with a great team, and I’m really excited! My company was running out of work and major layoffs are on the cards, so as soon as I came back last week I had a redundancy meeting, I took the package — 12 weeks pay! I’m free! I couldn’t be happier with the outcome, and I’m so glad to see the back of this company without having to resign. As for Brian, the project has ended badly — the client hates us and half of our team, including Brian, is on a permanent internal blacklist for them, so if they’re ever on a project org chart, Questions Will Be Asked. Management has him pottering around the office doing not a lot until something comes up or he gets made redundant too, but his reputation is wrecked after our project. Thanks again for your advice and the advice of your comment section. It really helped clarify what I needed to do and how much power I actually had in the situation! You may also like:my boss is pressuring me to work more hours ... I just came back from stress leavemy boss's stress is out of controlI’ve become the office seamstress, is it OK to block someone from being hired, and more { 63 comments }
things your company did that you thought were normal … but were actually very weird by Alison Green on April 3, 2025 Especially early in your career, it’s common to think that they way your workplace does things is normal — and then you move somewhere near and discover that having a goat shrine isn’t normal at all. This can also happen if you stay at one job for a long time, or if you move to a new field. We don’t always know that what we’re surrounded by isn’t normal — until something makes us realize that it’s not. Today’s “ask the readers” is a suggestion from a reader, who requests stories of “expressions, traditions, methods that you thought were universal but which you learned were actually just a weird thing your old workplace did. Bonus points if you learned this in a manner you are still embarrassed about to this day.” You may also like:my boss tapes people's mouths shut during meetingsmy boss offered me money to film a sex tape with two coworkersI bit my coworker { 804 comments }
marketing team refuses to do our projects, second thoughts about a new job, and more by Alison Green on April 3, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Our marketing team refuses to do projects for us, then complains if we do them ourselves I’m one of several who create new educational resources for our target audience. Like most companies, we have a graphic design/marketing department that designs and approves anything that’s going to be seen by the public. Well, they’re supposed to. Most of my work is in response to current events, so I might make a new guide for our customers who want to learn more about XYZ. I’ll do the research and most of the formatting, and I’m supposed to send it off to the marketing department so they can make it look nice and uniform with our branding before advertising/publishing. Makes sense! Not once have they ever “had time” to work on my team’s products. We always end up reformatting off of a years old template so we can get things out in time. We then get grumbling complaints from the marketing department that we didn’t do it right. But of course we didn’t! We don’t even have access to Adobe Suite, let alone the training to do actual graphic design! This is not a timeline issue either; we always send out heads-up and check-ins on these projects weeks or months before we need to deliver them. They don’t respond, say they don’t have time, or send an older version of the product for us to update ourselves. I have gone as far as escalating this issue to the CEO in the past. The projects I’m working on often come directly from them, and so I report these struggles all the way up the chain. Nothing has ever been done about it no matter how many times they agree with me that it’s “necessary.” I feel crazy and don’t know what communication strategy could possibly make a difference here. Please help! You need to escalate it again. When whoever you escalate it to agrees that some kind of intervention is “necessary,” you should say, “Can we talk through exactly what the next steps are? In the past there’s been general agreement that it needs to change, but it hasn’t been resolved. I’m concerned that everyone agrees this is a problem, but it doesn’t get fixed and it continues on.” You could also try saying that since you can’t get what you need from the marketing team, you want to be able to start sending work out to an external designer. Who knows, maybe they’ll let you — in which case, your part of this could be mostly solved. If they say you can’t do that, then you can say, “If that route isn’t possible, then can you intervene with the marketing team so that they will agree to do the work we need? Or is there a third option I’m not thinking of?” Worst case scenario, continue with doing their work yourself (as you have been) and when marketing grumbles about how it looks, you can say, “I agree, I would have had your team do it but you continually say you’re not available. Given that, what do you suggest we do differently?” I do want to be clear that none of these may solve the problem if your senior management is unwilling to act, but they’re all reasonable routes to try. (I also am assuming that you’ve sat down with the head of the marketing team directly and talked through the issues you’re having. But if for some reason you haven’t done that, that would be step one.) 2. I’m having second thoughts about the new job I’ve already accepted I was offered a job in January with a partner organization after a quite long recruitment process (I had started interviewing when it seemed my current role was more at risk; now it is safer). I signed the offer letter, pending contract negotiation, with a start date of May 1. I had been very undecided about taking the job, but I thought the decision would be better taken with the contract in hand and everything on the table. The new role has been sending welcome emails about onboarding, pretty much since January. It’s been an excruciatingly busy time at my current role, and to be honest I was slightly too stressed to think much about it. I have to give my formal notice today, or at least this week. Last week I asked for a delayed start date — mid-May — and they said yes. (They still haven’t sent a contract.) I know if I pull out of the new job now it will absolutely burn a bridge with a close partner organization, and with people I will have to see/work with regularly. But having made the decision to leave almost by omission (which is absolutely my own fault), I don’t want to leave. I love my colleagues, they have been nothing but supportive, I really like the organization, and my manager is wonderful and kind. Even through all this leaving chaos he has been kind — he’s said that after I give my notice, if at any time I feel I change my mind and want to stay, that’s fine (and welcome), until I actually leave. I have no clue what to do. I am not sure why I’m finding this so difficult (the new job is more money, a decent promotion, and likely less stressful than my current job), but for the last weeks I’ve been having near-panic attacks thinking about leaving. I feel a lot of shame about the way I’ve handled this, with regards to both sides, and I am not sure what to do — whether it’s better to burn that bridge (and maybe regret not trying something new?), or just try to own the decision and go. My current role won’t be able to be recruited (we’re in a financial crunch, and there’s a hiring freeze), and I’m dreading telling colleagues in other teams that the work we’ve been doing together, that my role supports, will now no longer be happening. (Slightly tortuous analogy, but say we’re a teapot company, and I’m one of three people liaising with the international teapot convention to promote our teapots, with primary responsibility for red teapots. Now our teams working on red teapots will have less support, and the red teapot parts of the international teapot convention will not have our organization’s participation). You haven’t really said much about why you’re suddenly reconsidering the move! Is it just that you’re feeling sad about leaving a job and people you like (which is very normal, even when leaving is the right move), or are you have doubts about the new job/company/manager? To figure this out, I think you’ve got to really dig into that more in-depth and sort out whether this is fear of change or if something about the new job is giving you pause. If it’s that you accepted the new job solely because you thought you needed a new job, and now you realize that you don’t … well, it’s not too late to undo that. If it’s really just that you dread telling people you’re leaving … that’s not a reason not to go. But if leaving is no longer in your best interests, that’s a whole different thing. You’ve just got to figure out which it is. 3. Should I escalate my coworker’s misuse of a contact list? I run a pretty popular newsletter out of our overall company. Mine happens to be tailored to specific topics and has a few different versions — for anonymity, let’s say they’re all about llamas, and each version is about a different aspect of llamas, like grooming, feeding, health, etc. A bunch of people run various newsletters out of the same account of the software we use because at one point, we were all in the same department. This particular coworker has moved to a different department, but still uses that account because her contact lists are still housed there and she still has to send her same newsletter notices out. It’s never been an issue — we all do our own thing with our own lists and leave everything else alone. I recently discovered that she sent one of her notices to her own list and one of my lists because the topics somewhat overlapped and her lists don’t have many subscribers. Say one of mine focuses on grooming, but only on specific brushes. She was sending out a grooming newsletter notice, and wanted it to get to more people, so she included my contact list as well. I’m … really uncomfortable with this. It’s technically within the law because the same entity gathered their info (at least I think so), but they didn’t sign up for her notices. They specifically signed up for my newsletter which is pretty niche. I’ve worked hard to both procure and keep my subscribers — I have a very high open rate (more than 70% in 2024!) and a very low unsubscribe rate. I’m very careful to not email that list more than the monthly email that they originally signed up for. But ultimately, the information she sent does technically apply to them and it’s good information for them to have. It’s just not what they signed up for. She and I both have excellent reputations in our company, and we definitely aren’t adversaries in any way, but we also just never clicked that well so I don’t feel that comfortable talking to her about it myself. My supervisor knows about it and I don’t think he liked it either but he couldn’t really do much since she’s no longer in our department. I could let our department lead know, and I think he’d agree that’s not something we should be doing and would have her department lead talk to her, but I can’t decide if it’s worth escalating. Ultimately, there’s no harm done, and I didn’t get any unsubscribes from her doing it. I guess I need a vibe check. Am I overreacting and should just let it go as no harm done, or should I bring it up because really, it’s a misuse of information that we should not be doing? You’re not overreacting, and you should escalate it. It’s not about getting your coworker in trouble for using your list; she may not even have done anything wrong. Rather, it’s about needing protocols for how lists should be used and when one list can “borrow” another’s subscribers. It’s in your company’s interests to have policies that make it clear what can/can’t be done in that regard, so people aren’t left to decide on their own — and this incident highlighted that currently there’s not enough direction about that. Raise it as a concern and suggest clarifying rules for when/if/how this can be done. 4. Coworker’s microphone doesn’t work well This is really a small stakes question. My coworker has a microphone that always takes 2-5 minutes to “warm up.” That means when she speaks, her voice is not really audible to anyone on the call for several minutes. The issue always resolves itself with time— it doesn’t seem like any sort of manual intervention or troubleshooting is necessary. This has been going on for a year. It just seems like an inefficient way to start calls consistently. She is in a role where she often leads meetings or is expected to chime in on calls. I’m not her boss or lead, I’m just a coworker. In the hierarchy, I would say we’re at the same level in different departments. Due to a departure, her manager is currently a really high-up VP who 1) I really don’t think wants to be involved in mic management and 2) likely doesn’t meet with my coworker enough to notice the issue. Would it be rude of me to suggest she get a new headset/ microphone/ etc. ? My company is cheap, so it may end up being an out-of-pocket expense (I paid for my own headset/ mic because the ones IT sent me to use were used and unclean in a concerning way), but I feel like decent mics don’t have to be wildly expensive these days. I splurged a bit on mine because I also use it for personal use. It wouldn’t be out line. Just be matter-of-fact: “I think your mic may need to be replaced. I’ve noticed we consistently cannot hear you for the first 2-5 minutes of every call. It seems to eventually warm up and fix itself, but we can’t hear what you’re saying at the start of calls so I suspect it needs to be replaced.” You don’t need to get into whether she needs to buy her own or not. Just alert her to the issue and let her take it from there. 5. Injury while off the clock but on a work trip I was recently on a work trip for a conference in a tourist destination. I had some time to kill between the end of the conference and my flight home, so I went to do some sightseeing. I narrowly missed being hit by a car while crossing the street — it was a close call but thankfully no harm done! It got me thinking though, would I have been eligible for workers’ comp had I been injured? Yes, I was there for a work trip but was doing personal stuff for fun that I didn’t log that time on my timesheet. I’m not an expert in this area but from what I can tell, there’s not a clear-cut answer. Some sources that say that it depends on whether you were acting within the scope of your employment, and others say simply by being on the trip you were acting in furtherance of a work-related activity. So I suspect it will depend on the specific facts of the case. You may also like:is the COO's daughter trying to take my job?is it ethical not to ask for more work when you have room to do more?is it patronizing to say I’m proud of my team, asking for help from a candidate we rejected, and more { 386 comments }
the head of the nonprofit I volunteer for doesn’t know what a budget is by Alison Green on April 2, 2025 A reader writes: I’ve been doing some remote volunteer grant writing as part of a long-term plan to break out of my current job family (also nonprofit-centric). The nonprofit I’m currently working with is only a few years old, in another state, and very small, with no paid staff. My main contact is the executive director, Helena. The deadline for the biggest grant of the year is tonight. I’ve finished the actual writing and have all the required documents, except the FY25 budget. We can’t submit if any fields are empty. I’ve requested the budget a few times; each time, Helena has responded with FY24’s revenue/expense report. It’s basically that scene in “The Good Place” where Michael repeatedly requests Eleanor’s file and gets cacti in return. Neither of the two volunteer bookkeepers has been very responsive. Q1 ended yesterday. Last night, I had the following text exchange with Helena: Me: Have we heard from Natalie about the budget? Helena: No Me: Definitely don’t want to stress her (or you!) out, but I want to submit within the next few hours — would the senior bookkeeper know anything? Helena: They are very slow on returning emails. Do we need the 2025 budget since we’re only in month 3? Me: Yeah, they require a budget for the current fiscal year. It doesn’t have to be exact since grants, etc are uncertain. Just needs to make logical sense based on last year’s financials Helena: Do you have last year’s budget I sent you? Me: I have the revenue/expenses spreadsheet. I think that’s technically different from a budget? Helena: I don’t think we have a budget for any year then. I thought the revenue/expenses was the budget. Me: Last year’s application [which was rejected for incompleteness] had one — basically our expectation for how much we’ll bring in vs allocate to different line items. The revenue/expenses is for what’s already happened. Helena: Then I think Devon who did the grant came up with it. Me: Hm. I don’t feel at all qualified to do that. Helena: Then we’ll have to wait on Natalie. Email from Helena an hour later: “See attachment for 2024 budget.” (It was a cactus the revenue/expense report.) My final reply: “Hi Helena, I believe I already have this — just waiting on the projected budget for 2025 (rough estimate is fine). Thanks!” I’ve left it there for now. But holy shit, Alison. That exchange seemed so beyond the realm of possibility that I started to think I must not know what a budget is. I even texted my uncle, an accounting professor, for a sanity check. I think Helena is hoping I’ll cave and throw together a budget like Devon did last year, but I have to draw the line somewhere. I’ve invested considerable time and energy in this grant, enduring other displays of incompetence that could justify their own letters. It would be one thing to be rejected on the merits; that’s an unavoidable part of this work. I just can’t believe it might all come to nothing for such an inane, preventable reason. I’m definitely not expecting an answer before the deadline, but I’d appreciate knowing how you would have handled this. Should I wash my hands of this unless/until I get a real budget? If so, should I explicitly tell Helena that the ball is 100% in her court? Should I make one last overture to ask if I should submit the “budget” she sent, be told “yes”, and watch her FAAFO? Some other option? Whatever I choose, how should I deal with the fallout? So, the deal with tiny new nonprofits with no paid staff (and sometimes tiny nonprofits with staff, too, but it’s especially likely when they have none) is that they are very, very often learning as they go, and things may be in chaos. Nonprofits are often founded by someone who’s really passionate about the work they’ve set out to do (like helping a vulnerable population, changing an unjust law, or whatever it is) but who don’t currently have the skills to build and run an effective organization. Typically one of two things happens: 1. They build those skills along the way, figuring it out as they go, often with some bumpy early years, but in the end successfully professionalizing their operations. Or… 2. They don’t build those skills and things stay in chaos, meaning their impact remains very limited and they have trouble keeping staff and volunteers. (And in fact, the worst version of this is when they’re good at attracting funding but bad at the rest of it, because then those resources get squandered and more people are affected.) Organizations in the first category can be great to volunteer with in their early stages, because there’s room for you to have a significant impact (which translates into accomplishments for your resume if you’re using the work to try to move into a new field). But organizations in the second category are pretty much always going to be an exercise in frustration and not a good use of your time or energy. I don’t know which one you’re dealing with, but it’s possible that it’s the first one, and that Helena just needs help moving the organization in that direction. If you keep observing, you’ll know soon enough if that’s the case or not. Either way, though, it sounds like you’re dancing around the budget issue too much. You need to just come out and say, “Most grant-giving foundations will not consider applications without a budget for the current fiscal year. We cannot apply without having that. Once we have a current year budget, we can use it for multiple applications, but it’s a prerequisite to be seriously considered for funding and it doesn’t make sense to submit applications until there’s one I can include.” Feel free to add, “That is not something I can create myself; it would need to come from the organization’s leadership.” You could also attach a few very basic samples from other small organizations as templates so that it’s clear what you’re talking about. If we could go back in time, I’d say that ideally you would have laid that out earlier on so they weren’t scrambling at the last minute … but it’s also completely understandable that you figured a budget would already exist. That said … if it were just this confusion over a budget, I’d be more inclined to think, “Okay, they’re at the very start of learning about all this, let’s see how they do once the requirements are spelled out.” But you mentioned other displays of incompetence that could justify their own letters, so it’s worth questioning whether this organization is the right one for you to invest time and energy into. Volunteer grant writing can be a great way to get the experience to move in that direction professionally, but you’ll need successes from the work to point to. If your efforts are all for naught because Helena is a disaster, it’s not going to be a good use of your time. One thing to look at in particular: aside from the budget situation, what results is this organization getting? Is Helena actually good at the core of the work she’s set out to do, and can the organization point to concrete results it’s achieved? If so, and if Helena is open to getting some basic support as the org professionalizes, I’d be more inclined to give that support a chance to pay off. But otherwise, I’d think hard about whether this is the right situation to give you grant-writing experience. If you conclude that it’s not, don’t view it as “it all coming to nothing.” View it as learning a very useful lesson about things to screen an organization on before you invest time helping them! You may also like:should I work for a tiny organization?a volunteer group I founded years ago is devouring my lifeare nonprofits more dysfunctional? { 221 comments }
I saw my employee’s X-rated chat by Alison Green on April 2, 2025 A reader writes: Today, during a screensharing session with my new employee, Barb, I saw something inappropriate on her screen and did not speak up. I was so dumbfounded that I just quickly wrapped up our call. I’m almost sure I saw her chat session with a coworker with explicit reference to private body parts. Both the screenshare software and chat software are part of the same company-provided system; it’s typically used for training and collaboration. Should I say anything to Barb? Or try to forget I ever saw anything? Since my view of the chat window happened very quickly, and I have no “proof,” I’m not sure I should say anything, especially when the content was something I’d rather not repeat. Some background: Barb and I work at different offices. Her previous manager felt that Barb wasn’t a fit for her role and was trying to manage her out; there was a skill mismatch, but Barb also needed to improve her attention to detail. When I learned this, I thought she could be a good fit for my team and proposed bringing her over. I was up-front with her that she would need to improve her attention to detail. She indicated commitment to improving that area and seemed genuinely excited about the opportunity. But because she’s continued to make frequent errors, I’ve had to hold back on fully transitioning some portions of the job to her. I’ve had conversations at the time errors presented, and a general conversation about the pattern of errors, backed up by retraining. I would love your advice as this situation has made me uncomfortable. I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here. You may also like:my boss sent a chat message I wasn't supposed to see -- but it popped up on a shared screenhow can I tactfully point out to coworkers that a miscommunication error is theirs?I accidentally sent my team erotica, mumbling boss, and more { 142 comments }
potential employer wants me to disclose any medical conditions, including migraines, depression, eczema, and more by Alison Green on April 2, 2025 A reader writes: I recently interviewed for an admin role, essentially front reception, for a private hospital. The job is entirely non-clinical. After the interview, the hiring manager emailed me to say that they would like to progress my application to the next stage. In the email they included a link for me to complete some pre-employment checks. Some were standard, such as proof of identity, criminal history record check, etc. But the first step is a “pre-employment health questionnaire,” which asks me to disclose my medical history, in the form of answering yes/no to a long list of ailments, including but not limited to: • epilepsy, fits, blackouts, fainting turns, or dizzy spells • any injury or condition involving the neck, back, shoulders, limbs, etc. • any skin condition including eczema, psoriasis, or dermatitis • any heart condition • any lung condition including asthma • migraines or frequent headaches • hay fever (?????) • mental illness or nervous conditions, including anxiety, depression, phobia, psychosis, or nervous breakdown None of these are relevant to the requirements of the role. I was already unsure about going further in the recruitment process due to some additional information I gleaned during the interview, but this has me feeling especially uneasy. To be clear, I have not yet received a job offer. Every person I’ve approached for an opinion has questioned the legality of it all, and frankly I’m in the same boat. I intend to email the hiring manager to withdraw my candidacy, for various reasons, but is this “health questionnaire” reason enough? Holy hell, yes. This is flagrantly illegal. (Also, eczema? Why?!) The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) prohibits employers from asking job candidates medical questions unless they are specifically related to the job and “consistent with business necessity.” Some employers do require a pre-employment physical (which I’d argue is a huge overstep for most jobs, and an outdated relic from the past). But even then, that can’t happen before they’ve offered you the job and they can’t reject you because of information revealed by the exam, unless the reasons for the rejection are “job-related and consistent with business necessity.” Oddly, the exam itself doesn’t have to be job-related and consistent with business necessity. They can ask about mental illness, STDs, hay fever, anything they want during it. They just can’t reject you over it unless they can show there’s a legitimate job-related reason to do so. (If you are thinking this is bizarre and inappropriately invasive … yes.) Also, generally the only thing from the exam that can be disclosed directly to the employer is the examiner’s conclusions about whether or not you can work with or without accommodations or restrictions. The exam results, including any medical history taken from it, needed to be treated as confidential and kept separate from other employment-related records. But you’re not even at that point. You don’t have a job offer. You’re a job candidate, not an employee or a new hire. So this is just illegal, plain and simple. It sounds like you’re planning to withdraw from their hiring process regardless. When you do, free to tell them that part of your reason was this invasive and illegal medical questionnaire. You can also report their violation of the law to the EEOC, and here’s info on how to do that. You may also like:my office is requiring us to disclose all medications we takea manager scolded me for having a cold sore on my facecompany gives employees 6 months to "fix" their health issues { 322 comments }
drunk coworker’s aggressive behavior outside of work, a retroactive pay cut, and more by Alison Green on April 2, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Can I report my coworker’s drunken, racist aggression outside of work? This past weekend, after a Saturday work event, a coworker invited me out for lunch and a few drinks to celebrate a job well done. We made a call to another coworker who lived in the area to join us. She said she would be joining with one of our out-of-country coworkers, Fergus, who was in-country on a work trip and looking to socialize. None of us is a fan of Fergus as we find him annoying (long overshares about his fraught divorce, a general negative outlook), but our impression of him was that he was harmless, just unpleasant. During the lunch, Fergus was really throwing back the drinks. He became distracted by a few men at the table next to us, and joined their conversation, which they initially seemed to welcome. My coworkers and I enjoyed catching up in his absence. After a time, one of the men came over to our table and said, “The time has come, you need to take your friend back. You need to get him out of here.” On further inquiring, we learned that, after becoming very drunk, Fergus had made an offensive comment about one of the men’s wives, asking how he could, as a black African man, be married to a white woman. (Fergus is a white African.) The man did not take kindly to this and put an end to their conversation. On hearing this, my coworkers and I quickly paid our bill and tried to corral Fergus away and convince him to leave the restaurant. This proved difficult, as again and again he kept walking back to the men to try to apologize. They made it clear they did not want to hear it, they just wanted him to leave. I reiterated this to Fergus, saying, “We need to go. They’ve told us they want us to leave this here, so we need to leave it here.” He then turned on me, angrily called me the c-word, and said that I don’t understand because I am not African and it is in their culture to make things right, and I am a Trump American who will never understand their culture. He also said he wanted to kill me, and then find my husband and kill him. I took this calmly as we needed to leave the restaurant, and you can’t reason with a drunk person, but this malice really shook me. (Also, not that it matters as he was being ridiculous, but I am not aligned politically with Trump at all, and he knows this). We thankfully made it out of the restaurant, where one of our coworkers took him back to her place to sober up before she felt he could reasonably take a taxi back to his hotel without harassing the driver. I received a text from him the next day apologizing for his appalling behavior and asking for forgiveness. I replied that I was thankful for the apology and glad to hear he made it home safely. Now we are back at the office after the weekend, and I want nothing to do with him. I’ve heard him all morning walking down to my office to try and make right, and I’ve managed to avoid him so far. I will never spend time outside of work with him ever again, but I’m not sure how to proceed from here. Is this something that HR can take up? I don’t want to tank a person’s career over a drunk mistake, but this felt like more than that to me. He has really soured our working relationship. It all happened outside of work so I’m unsure of my options. I didn’t take his comments and threats to be real, but regardless, they were ugly. For context, we are located outside of the United States. I can’t speak to norms and laws outside the U.S. so this advice is necessarily from within my own cultural frame of reference (as is always the case) but: yes, talk to HR! Their purview doesn’t stop just because this happened outside of work; if you harass a coworker on your own time, it’s still harassment that your employer has a right to be interested in stopping. And this wasn’t just “oh, a coworker got a little drunk and rowdy.” This was someone making racist comments, calling you an obscene slur, and threatening to kill you and your husband (!). This is way, way beyond needing to give him any benefit of the doubt or worrying about what the consequences to him might be. (If anything, worry about what could happen if he’s allowed to keep behaving this way without some kind of official intervention.) If this was a one-time, out-of-character incident for Fergus (which I very much doubt), he’s free to explain that to HR. You don’t need to sort through what the appropriate consequences are; you just need to let them know it happened and assume they will take it from there. If Fergus does approach you to try to “make it right,” you should feel free to tell him (ideally in writing, with HR cc’d) that you don’t want to discuss it further with him and that the contact is unwelcome and needs to stop. 2. We get bonuses for more dangerous work — are we unethical if we spread it around? I work in a medical setting. Four or five times a week, we have to handle patients who have serious and infectious diseases. While we of course have safety precautions in place, there’s still a risk. So every time we do, we can claim a $10 allowance — with a catch. We may only claim it once per day. So if a patient in this category comes in and has to be moved three separate times and I do it all three times, I still only get $10. So I might say to my colleague Bob, “Hey I’ve already claimed my 10 bucks, when the call comes through, you should do the next move and claim yours” to spread the money around (any staff member can respond to any call). Bob in turn would let Carol know and she would take the next assignment and claim her allowance. Is this ethical? We tend to do this very quietly and not draw management attention to it. We’re increasing the cost to the facility but also we’re reducing the risk for any one person, and the risk is the reason behind the allowance. I’m hard-pressed to say it’s unethical — it’s the system that’s in place, and if they feel they’re paying out too much or people are taking advantage of it, they can revisit it. The part that makes me a little uncomfortable is that you’re sort commodifying the patients themselves, who might feel weird knowing people are gaming out how they can make a bonus off of their infectious disease. (On the other hand, some patients might be delighted to help with that!) That makes it extra important to ensure you’re treating these patients with dignity and compassion and not losing sight of their humanity (important regardless, obviously) and that they’re not ever waiting a longer amount of time so Carol can show up even though Bob is right there and could otherwise do it. If it ever does build in a delay (for them or for another patient), that’s when I think it would cross over into unethical, because you’d be prioritizing the bonus above the person. 3. Too soon to brag about a new accomplishment? I was recently selected to join a new advisory council initiative at my workplace that brings together different parts of the company so we can best work together. (I suspect I was the only person who applied to represent my role, two or three tops — so not a huge accolade.) I’m also low-key job searching right now. My first question is how soon can I start listing this on my resume? We haven’t had our first meeting yet and might not for several weeks, by which point I definitely will have applied to a very promising position. It feels wrong to list it before we ever meet, but my friends say I’m too shy about showing off my accomplishments. And my second question is how to discuss this type of thing on applications. I would list it as a bullet point in my resume, right? Or wait to discuss it in an interview? I wouldn’t put it on your resume until more has happened with it. If it’s on your resume, you may be asked about it, and you don’t want your answer to be, “Well, we haven’t done anything yet.” And just being appointed to it doesn’t really warrant using resume space (so far). That said, if you ignore me and include it anyway, it’s not a huge problem! I’m just talking best practices here, not “a thing you must not do under any circumstances.” 4. My company wants to cut our pay retroactively I’m in an industry hard hit by the federal cuts and our team just went through layoffs. I received a mass email from HR saying that we would be getting a pay cut retroactive to the beginning of the month (time worked but not yet paid). We were asked to send agreement via email ASAP as they were about to run payroll. A quick search of your site says a retroactive pay cut is not legal, but do you think the company successfully got around it by asking for agreement in writing? Nope. Employers cannot cut your pay retroactively. They can cut it going forward — since then you have the chance to agree to work at that rate or to decline to (i.e., quit) — but they cannot reduce it after you’ve already done the work while thinking it was for your previously-agreed-upon rate. That doesn’t change just because they ask you to agree to it afterwards. The way to handle it is to reply that you can agree to the cut going forward (if indeed you do agree to it) and then say, “But my understanding is that we can’t legally make it retroactive, even if people agree, and I don’t want us to get in trouble for that.” If they push back, the next move is to report it to your state department of labor. (That said, realistically that may put a target on your back at a time when they’re already cutting jobs, and I don’t want you to be unaware of that risk.) 5. Digital nomad visas I am considering looking for a job that could be done remotely from anywhere and moving my family out of the U.S. using another country’s digital nomad visa (other country TBD). I was hoping some people may have done the same and would be willing to discuss experiences? I really trust your blog for advice. Sure, I’m happy to throw this out to people with experience with digital nomad visas. 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when someone tells you you’re too sick to be at work (but you’re not) by Alison Green on April 1, 2025 A reader writes: How should I respond when someone tells me that I am too sick to be at work and I should be at home? The context here, one of my directs popped her head into my doorway and said, “You should really be at home today.” I am recovering from a cold/flu and have been out of the office for a couple of days because of it. I am feeling much better. I have a lingering cough that comes on periodically. That seems to be the case with most people that have been sick lately. I was a little surprised by their comment and mumbled something about feeling better and just dealing with this cough now. I am in a supervisory position and needed to be on-site as the department manager is off with this flu. They are in worse shape than me. Our site requires that one member of the department’s management team be on-site. I would have been on-site anyway since I am feeling better. I am also much more productive being in the office. I understand that people have varying levels of concern about getting sick. They may be immunocompromised or have a young or elderly family member they are worried about getting sick. But I have been doing my best to isolate myself in my office, washing my hands frequently, etc. to minimize the risk to others. It feels wrong to me that someone thinks they know better about my current state of health than I do. Is there a graceful way to acknowledge their concern and let them know I am taking the necessary precautions required to be at work? First, it’s worth noting that some people will say “you should be at home!” as a way to express care for you, not because they really think it’s outrageous that you’re in the office or are worried about their own health. But some people will say “you should be at home!” because they’re worried about their own health and are annoyed that you’re there. And sometimes they are right to be annoyed. It’s reasonable for people to be upset if they think you’re being reckless with their health and well-being (and there are a whole lot of people who come into work and expose other people to germs when they should have stayed home). You’re right that your employee doesn’t know as much as your current state of health as you do — but it’s because they don’t know as much about your state of health as you do, and because lots of people do come into work when they shouldn’t, that it’s not unreasonable for them to worry, if in fact they were. Try not to be annoyed by that. That said, it’s definitely true that you can have a lingering cough for weeks or even months after some colds. It doesn’t mean you’re contagious or shouldn’t be working. But it’s also true that you can also have a lingering cough because of things that are contagious. So even if something seems like a cold or the flu, at a minimum you should do a Covid test before returning to work out of consideration for your coworkers and their families. Back to your question: is there a graceful way to acknowledge someone’s concern and let them know you are taking the precautions needed to be at work? Yes! Here are a few ways to say it if you do indeed know you’re not contagious — based on actual medical advice, testing, common sense*, etc. (* I’m aware it’s risky to include “common sense” on this list, given the amount of variation in people’s risk assessments. But realistically, people aren’t going to consult with a doctor every time they have a cold.) * “I’m not sick anymore, just have a lingering cough. My doctor says I’m not contagious.” (Obviously this needs to be true! Don’t say it if it’s not.) * “I’m over the cold, but I’ll probably have the cough for a while. I did test for Covid and it’s negative.” * “It’s run its course and I don’t think I’m contagious at this point, but I’m staying in my office to be safe.” Also, if there’s any risk you’re still in a contagion period but you’re still at work, please consider wearing a mask — again, out of consideration for your coworkers and their families. Final thought: if you’re required to have one member of the department’s management team on-site at all times and there are only two of you, is there a back-up plan for what happens if you’re both very sick/potentially contagious? If not, there needs to be! You may also like:I got scolded for coming to an interview with a coldat what point in a very long cold should I stay home?can I tell sick coworkers to go home? { 288 comments }