Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I have warned an intern about a bad manager?

I am a middle manager in a large organization and I am second-guessing how I handled a situation with an employee whom I used to supervise.

From 2020 to 2021, I had the pleasure of supervising an outstanding intern, Anna. Anna was the kind of employee that any employer would be lucky to have. During her internship, Anna expressed interest in staying on with us after her graduation. It can be difficult to secure full-time permanent employment with our organization, and the hiring process is lengthy and onerous for managers and candidates alike. However, there is a “shortcut” for qualified former interns to transition to a permanent position upon graduation. Anna was eventually offered such a position by one of my peers, and she asked my advice on whether she should accept the offer.

My dilemma: The hiring manager was known to have terrible people management skills (not at the level of abuse or harassment, but that’s a pretty low bar). However, I chose not to share this with Anna. I didn’t want to “poison the well” or unduly influence her, and thought she was mature enough to make her own decision. I also thought that a well-paid permanent position with great benefits isn’t something that comes along every day for new grads, and the internal mobility opportunities would mean that even if this particular job wasn’t a good fit, Anna wouldn’t be stuck there for long. So, I took more of a coaching role in our conversation rather than an advice-giving one (though I did suggest she speak with current employees on the team). In the end, Anna accepted the manager’s offer.

Anna’s team has ended up being just as, if not more, toxic as I had feared and Anna’s mental health has taken a beating. Anna eventually found other opportunities within the organization but I feel terrible that I didn’t warn her to run far away from the bad manager in the first place. What, if anything, could I have done differently?

I’m a fan of letting people know when a lot of other people have found a manager tough to work with. You don’t need to come out and say “she’s a nightmare” if you don’t feel comfortable being that candid, but you can say, “I do want to warn you some people have found her to be a difficult boss. I don’t have firsthand experience, but I’d definitely suggest talking to people who have worked for her and asking about their experiences so that you’re not going in blind.” If you know specifics — or specific themes — ideally you’d find a way to share those.

“Well-paid positions with great benefits don’t come along every day and she wouldn’t be stuck there for long” is a legitimate thing for Anna to decide, but it shouldn’t be something you decide on her behalf.

2. Former colleague is running a scam

My partner, Chris, has recently gotten an advanced degree in a newer and very niche field which has documented ROI for businesses, but tends to get cut as non-essential when businesses are doing their yearly budgeting. Since it’s so niche, Chris has worked collaboratively with many people in the industry in our country (non-U.S.). Since it’s a growing industry, he’s also been tapped to teach, including for the university where he got his masters.

The problem is that last year one of his colleagues, Hank, ran a master’s program at the local university and asked Chris to teach a course, throughout which Chris came to understand the program almost didn’t happen due to enrollment being too low to justify the cost. Hank also has a small consulting business for this field. About 50% of the students in the course (all the most recent enrollees) were brand new employees of Hank’s business. Turns out, Hank had employed these new consultants on the condition that they enroll in the year-long master’s program.

Chris has been made aware from one of his former students that none of Hank’s employees have earned enough as consultants to recoup their tuition fees in the year since they graduated, and most of these employees have returned to their former industries. And still, Hank is asking Chris to teach another course for the same program as he has a fresh new crop of bright-eyed consultants to pay the high tuition fees. Chris has turned down the opportunity, citing low bandwidth, but I think he has a greater responsibility to communicate with his contacts higher up in this small university to make them aware of the ethical issue at hand. Chris is more concerned this will hurt him in the long run if Hank finds out he went above his head. How do you think he should handle this situation?

Yes, Chris has a moral and ethical responsibility to tell his contacts there what’s going on. Hank is exploiting his employees to pressure them to enroll in the program that justifies his job; it’s an abuse of power, and it’s something that the university wouldn’t want to be associated with if they knew. You should encourage Chris to think through exactly how this could hurt him if Hank finds out about it. If his fears are warranted, he can ask his contacts to investigate without naming him as the person who provided the initial tip-off.

3. Can I befriend my future coworker’s daughter?

I moved cities six months ago and am working on transferring to the site closer to home. In preparation for my new role, I’ve been meeting with people I will be working with, to start establishing my new working relationships.

Recently I met with “Beth,” who I will be working with closely. Beth seems friendly and competent and we hit it off well. I’m excited to work with her! After our initial meeting, we did some small talk and she told me a bit about her daughter. It sounds like her daughter is around my age and we have some common interests. Also, her daughter’s job is close to where I live and she is considering moving to my suburb.

Can I try to befriend the daughter somehow? Would it be weird or inappropriate to try? Do I need to wait until I’ve been at the new site for a while and have more of a relationship with Beth? Can I just ask for a number or is there a more roundabout way to approach it?

You don’t have a lot to go on here, so I think it would be too much to come out with, “I’d like to have lunch with Jane. Can you connect us?” But you could certainly say, “If Jane is looking for people to talk with about llama grooming (or whatever the mutual interest is), feel free to give her my contact info. I’m still pretty new to the area and would love to meet people who are into llama combing techniques!” Then Beth can decide, based on her knowledge of her daughter (and potentially her feelings about meshing work and family worlds in that way), whether to connect you.

4. Network separately or stick together at conferences?

I recently attended a conference with a majority of my colleagues on a topic marginally applicable to my position (and theirs). I was going to sit with a coworker, but someone I met on the field tour the day before asked me to sit with him and I moved tables. We had good discussions on his projects, and I met four folks I had not met previously.

My question has to do with perception or best practice. The other 16 coworkers stayed in “our” group and sat together, but did mingle during the breaks and the after-hours event. I always think it is better to spread out and meet someone new and learn about how the subject impacts them, so I generally will sit with new people at conferences. My boss said someone asked if I was mad at my colleagues since I didn’t sit with them. Personally, I think my colleagues looked less approachable since they were together. Not everyone is comfortable sitting with strangers (and I am exhausted at the end of my day), so I understand. Professionally, which should happen? What should I do at the next conference (in three months)?

It’s really up to each individual attendee, but a big part of the benefit of conferences is networking so your approach is generally the more useful one. It’s a little odd that your colleagues interpreted that as you being “mad at them,” but if traditionally they’ve all stuck together at conferences, they may see it more as team bonding time than networking time. Maybe before the next one you can mention to them that you see conferences as an opportunity to meet new people in your field, which has been useful in X and Y ways, and so you try to break off from the group and talk to other attendees.

5. Who owns a work journal?

I know that work products created in the course of most regular employment belong to the organization — but what about materials that have to do with work but are entirely individual? I’m thinking of notes or reflections on one’s own performance, written in a paper notebook bought with personal funds but on the subject of work, e.g. self-determined goals, how to improve job performance or satisfaction, and so on. Stuff that feels really personal (like, wouldn’t pass it on to my hypothetical successor, wouldn’t want it to be read by colleagues or boss without redaction) but is created during the work day, related to work experiences but not work products.

Basically, I feel that my work output and experience could both be improved through more reflection and intentional goal- and priority-setting on a more granular level than I get from my boss, but I would be afraid of what I write getting into the wrong hands (though it’s unlikely, as I’d keep my notebook in my bag and we don’t have a snoopy office). But bringing a personal journal to work sounds like a terrible idea! And I would want to keep a record, not write on TP and burn it immediately after.

I feel on a basic moral/logical level that everyone is entitled to an inner world and room for errors, honest unpolished reflection, and at least a tiny bit of privacy, but I don’t think that’s totally true in reality. In practice, I don’t think it’s super likely that my notebook would be intercepted (one reason to stick to paper), but I’m still curious.

Technically under the law, your employer could argue that it belonged to them — because products relating to your work created at work belong to your employer.

But in practice, they’d be very unlikely try; it’s not the sort of thing most managers would have any interest in laying claim to. The worst scenario would be more likely to be someone misunderstanding what was in the notebook, thinking you had notes on clients or projects that someone else could benefit from, and insisting you turn it over when leaving. But you could easily avoid that by taking it home with you before you quit. Other than that, as long as you kept it in your bag, it’s very unlikely to be claimed by your company.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. CEO shared family trip photos after announcing budget cuts

We just had a company-wide town hall, and the CEO — whom I’ve always known to be even-tempered and generally reasonable — kicked things off by sharing a recap and photos of his recent Disney World trip with 20 family members. This comes shortly after we were told about budget cuts, no bonuses, and rising health insurance costs that are eating into our modest merit increases. Needless to say, vacations aren’t exactly top of mind for most of us right now. Was this tone-deaf? Or am I overreacting?

It was tone-deaf.

Most people have no interest in seeing the CEO’s family trip photos at the best of times! Displaying the photos at all is weirdly self-centered for a town hall. But doing it right after announcing bad financial news is astonishingly out of touch.

2. Struggling new hire won’t stop aggressively complimenting our work

I work in a 30-person department in a much larger 10,000-person organization. The department is divided into several smaller teams with individual supervisors and team leads in addition to the more junior folk, and I’m the departmental manager.

We have a recent hire who is struggling performance wise. We have them on a PIP and are doing all we need to there. Some of the areas of improvement are really, really basic (and this is not an entry-level position) like “respond to colleagues’ email questions” and don’t no-show meetings. They don’t have much in the way of skills yet in the position either. I share this for context, that this employment relationship is really not going well. They also don’t have much grasp of organizational norms like not asking the CEO for direction on a project directly in the bathroom.

Yet this person loves to give work-related compliments. Daily “I’m so impressed by the quality of your work on this project” type of comments to me, who is more senior and decades more experienced than them. “I am struck by how passionate and hard-working this team is. Well done” after their colleagues have completed a project they had nothing to do with. Occasionally, this is peppered with unasked for, lengthy feedback on projects they had nothing to do with, with wacky suggestions for improvement. These have been easier to deal with directly.

The compliments, however, appear awkward for folks on the receiving end. I’ve noticed the immediate team barely responds anymore. It feels like this is the individual’s attempt to dominate and exert authority in areas where, frankly, they have no subject knowledge. How would you respond?

“Thank you, I appreciate that.” That’s it.

It’s possible that it’s an attempt to assert authority where they have none (the unsolicited feedback on projects they’re not involved with certainly sounds like that), but it’s also possible that they know they’re flailing and are looking for some way to better enmesh with the team / be liked / contribute something people will appreciate. It’s the wrong way to do it, but I’d look at it as an additional facet of the incompetence you’re seeing in other areas. They’re not reading situations well, they probably sense that on some level, and they’re trying to fix it … just badly.

If they were otherwise a promising employee and the inappropriate compliments were affecting their working relationships or the way they were perceived, it would be a kindness to talk to them about it. But since this is the least of the issues you’ve got to tackle with this person, a quick “thanks, appreciate it” is the way to go.

3. Calling out your company on social media

Last week Meta announced some changes to their free speech policies, including some quite awful examples of posts they will now allow, which include things like calling immigrants “dirt” and describing homosexuality as a mental illness. I don’t work for Meta, but I saw a post from a connection of a connection on LinkedIn who does work there. She’s written a long and (in my view) well-argued post, criticizing the new policy and outlining the harm to marginalized communities, including the LGBT+ community she’s a member of. Frankly I wish more people were as brave as her in calling out the terrible practices of their companies.

She has not put anything about her intention to leave, but my question is: is someone working for an organization as big and as politically influential as Meta risking their job by publicly criticizing their company on an issue like this? In my view it’s not the same as airing your office’s dirty laundry — it’s not like she’s posting about her boss Gary who she’s fallen out with. And these are major changes that will likely affect her community, maybe her personal online safety, and are quite obviously politically driven. But of course she is calling into question the wisdom of her organization’s leadership and the decisions of her colleagues, even if they are people she doesn’t know personally. What do you think?

Yes, there’s some risk to her job. Not necessarily the “call you into HR and fire you today” kind of risk, but the risk that she’ll be more likely to end up on lay-off lists? Or not be promoted into a higher-level position she might want at some point? Absolutely. (In theory there’s also the “fire you today” kind of risk, but she hopefully has enough of a read on the politics of her workplace to know whether that’s likely or not.)

It’s also true that the larger the company and the more they’re used to being part of the public dialogue (as Meta is, and especially right now), the more they’re probably used to these kinds of internal discussions playing out publicly and the less jarring it may feel internally.

4. My boss calls me, and only me, by my last name

I have been employed at my current company for 20+ years. My manager and I share the same first name. In one-on-one conversations or emails, he refers to me by my first name. In all other instances, he calls me by my last name. Others are starting to pick up on this during team meetings and they do the same. He only does this to me — everyone else is on a first name basis. It makes me feel disrespected. What is a good way to tell him this bothers me? And should it bother me?

I don’t know that he’s doing it to disrespect you, but you’re allowed to prefer being called by your first name!

My guess is that because you share a name, he might be trying to distinguish between the two of you. Obviously when he’s the one speaking, it’ll be obvious that when he says Lucien, he’s referring to the Lucien who is not him (unless he has a habit of talking about himself in the third person). But maybe he’s hoping that if he uses your last name, others will pick up on it (as they are) and it will cut down on confusion about which Lucien is being referenced when others talk. I don’t know — just a guess. Regardless, you can absolutely say to him, “I noticed you often call me Mackelberry instead of Lucien. I really prefer Lucien.”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. People are bouncing on yoga balls during Zoom calls

I’m at an all-remote company. Zooms are our go-to. In the Zooms I organize, I prefer videos off and most people know that. (So I don’t have to do my hair or get distracted, and it just drains me so much!) Obviously I make exceptions where called for.

But I’m at the mercy of others when I join their meetings, and a lot of them have videos on as a default. And a few of my coworkers have recently started bouncing on yoga balls and walking on walking pads throughout their meetings. This makes me feel ill/seasick! And, then I feel really irritated at them, unfairly, because they’re making the meeting more difficult for me.

Will I seem overly nitpicky, grumpy, irritable if I ask them to just do videos off when they do this? I don’t have a medical condition like vertigo or anything. I’m one of the most senior execs in the company, FYI, and the people who do this are all my level or below. (None of them report to me directly.)

As a senior exec, you absolutely have the standing to say, “Kudos to anyone choosing to exercise during this call, but please turn your camera off if that’s you. The movement is rough on the rest of us.” And if that doesn’t solve it, feel free to direct it to specific people — “Jane, can you turn your camera off, please? The activity is distracting.”

Frankly, it’s obnoxious (and maybe a little performative?) that people aren’t figuring this out for themselves and need to be told, and I bet others on the call will be silently thanking you. You also probably won’t have to do this a ton; it’s the kind of message most people will retain after being told once.

Related:
is it unprofessional to take a Zoom call from a treadmill?

2. Employer wants to offer paid parental leave — but only for women

My employer is thinking about joining the modern working era and offering paid parental leave. But … only to women. As you can imagine, the reception is mixed. On one hand, we’re excited to possibly finally have something. On the other, many staff feel like this devalues a) the role of fathers, b) the responsibility of men to care for their children and partners, and c) the role of women in the workplace generally (after all, why promote a woman who might need this leave when a man definitely won’t?). We’ve clarified that adoptive moms would qualify, so physical recovery is not the sole issue.

The employer is hinting loudly that we should be grateful that he is doing “more than he legally has to” and that he might drop it entirely if we push too hard. Any thoughts on next steps?

Well, it’s illegal. Offering different amounts of parental leave to male and female employees violates the federal law against sex discrimination (just like basing vacation leave or raises on sex would). It would be different if it were framed as “pregnancy leave” or otherwise linked to medical recovery, but it’s not. So: the strongest argument against this is that it’s illegal.

Of course, if you point that out, your employer might drop the whole thing — so you should pair it with a strong lobbying effort by employees for a legal, gender-neutral parent leave policy. If you can show that your competitors offer that, that could help too.

Related:
my company is creating a paternity leave policy, but has no maternity leave

3. My company is ignoring my reimbursement form after laying me off

I was laid off from a remote job in November 2024. I was told to ship my laptop back, given a paid shipping label and told to purchase packaging at the shipping store and submit a receipt for reimbursement. I submitted the form for reimbursement with a receipt the same day … then heard nothing.

Every few weeks I would send an email asking about the reimbursement status and would hear nothing. On the emails I’ve included my manager, my manager’s manager, and the HR representative who handled my layoff. It’s been two months and no one replies to emails (which have all been cordial). The amount of money ($30) isn’t a big deal but I’m frustrated that I followed their directions and then they’re not honoring their commitment. Also them not reimbursing me after laying me off is just rude and petty!

Any other ideas about what I can do? For context, I also signed an NDA so I probably can’t make a post on social media publicly calling anyone out.

Stop emailing and call instead! Start with HR, and if that doesn’t work, call your manager, then your manager’s manager. If you get voicemail, leave a message explaining the situation; say that it’s been several months, and ask to get it handled ASAP.

They should be replying to your emails and it’s rude that they haven’t, but one when method of communication isn’t working, moving to another will often solve it. (And who knows, it’s possible that emails from your personal email address are being filtered as spam or something. Probably not, but calling will solve it if that’s happening.)

4. Can my company completely change my job?

I am an executive assistant at a remote-first organization. There is currently no requirement to come into our office, with the exception of our front desk staff (who belong to a separate department). I have been told confidentially that due to financial constraints, a plan is in place to lay off our front desk staff and require myself and another executive assistant to perform the duties usually performed by our front desk staff (in addition to our current duties). This change would mean that I would have a completely different role than what I was hired to do, not to mention what I see as the extreme burden of being one of the only employees in a remote organization with an in-office requirement, and the significant extra work. Can they legally do this? What can I do to resist this change, other than simply walking away from a job that I really don’t want to quit? We have a union in place, which I have been told I am unable to join due to the confidential nature of my job. Would appealing to the union anyway have any influence?

They can legally change the requirements of your job. You can push back on that, of course — but ultimately they can make the change. The union probably won’t help since you’re not a member (unless they see benefit to their membership in some way, which isn’t impossible — you can certainly ask them and see).

How much standing do you have at your job? Are you a highly valued employee who they don’t want to lose? Or even a reasonably valued one who they don’t want to deal with the inconvenience of replacing? If you have a decent amount of standing, your best bet is to talk to your manager and say exactly what you said here — the change would leave you with a completely different job than the one you were hired for and significant additional burden — and that you’re strongly opposed to doing it. The trick with this kind of conversation is to walk a fine enough line that you’re not outright refusing or openly saying “I will quit over this” but leaving the strong implication that you are indeed highly likely to leave over it (maybe not on the spot, but soon). On the other hand, if you’re willing to openly say you’ll quit over it and are comfortable with whatever that results in (including “okay, we’ll be sorry to see you go but let’s set your last day”), go for it. There’s a possibility they’ll see this as an opportunity to hire a replacement who’s willing to do the new job, so this is all very dependent on how much capital you have there, how willing you are to walk away over it, how quickly you’d be willing to do that, and how much they’d care.

If the other assistant affected by this is willing to do the same, that can give you additional power, particularly if she has capital of her own to spend.

5. What is a “director of first impressions”?

I’m on the job market. I’ve been in higher ed. administration for years (also a teacher), and I’m done with it. All I want to do is help people, help an organization function well, get paid / treated decently, and stay with a good job until I retire, if ever. I’ve been on the market for roughly four months with little luck. I had one interview, which I think went well, but I didn’t get the position. Part of it, I think, is that I’m “overqualified” for the kind of role I’m looking for. The thing is, I don’t want to be in charge. I hate being in charge. I make an excellent assistant.

But then I see job adverts for things like a “director of first impressions”: “The director of first impressions will play an important role in setting the tone for the organization. As the first person and last person clients see when they are in the office, the director of first impressions is instrumental in making sure clients have a positive experience. Ability to work in a high capacity, high intensity position is a must, while maintaining a joyful and diplomatic spirit. Multitasking is necessary also, as this position is characterized by spontaneity and being ready for any phone call or visit. You will be the direct source of office support leadership, while maintaining office supplies and managing the calendar.” Good lord. I don’t even know how to respond seriously to this. Is this a receptionist role? Okay, I can work with that. Director of first impressions? I cannot.

Yep, it’s a receptionist role, with what sounds like some additional admin support thrown in. It’s a silly title, but it’s usually the sign of an organization trying to put a high premium on you making visitors and callers feel warmly welcomed and taken care of. As in, they’re not looking for the vibe visitors get at the DMV.

The best way to approach it is to ignore the title and focus on the job duties.