open thread – September 13, 2024 by Alison Green on September 13, 2024 It’s the Friday open thread! The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers. * If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer. You may also like:my coworkers make orgasm sounds while I'm on the phonemy manager named Joseph Stalin employee of the monthneed help finding a job? start here { 59 comments }
asking for a hotel room far from coworkers, asking about camera culture in an interview by Alison Green on September 13, 2024 It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go… 1. Can I ask for a hotel room far from my coworkers when traveling for a conference? I recently completed my professional degree and licensure in my field, and have been getting a lot of support from my employer in establishing myself. In about a year, there’s a fairly significant professional conference for the industry. Typically these conferences are held a long ways away (sometimes internationally), and so while there are always some folks from my employer attending, it’s usually a fairly limited group due to cost — someone who is presenting, leadership representatives, and always at least one or two new professionals so they can start building their professional network. The upcoming conference is going to be fairly close to us for the first time in a couple of decades, and our leadership has said they want everyone from the office to attend, given the proximity. They’re planning to book a block of hotel rooms, pay attendance fees, and reimburse travel. I am really excited about the opportunity. But I’m also dreading the hotel room situation. I’m a cis male multiple sexual assault survivor, and given the cultural attitudes towards men who report having been sexually assaulted, I generally don’t disclose this information. Meet me in the waking world, and you would never know anything about it. But that’s me awake — one of the ways my particular brand of PTSD manifests is night terrors. I don’t remember them when they happen, but they’re disruptive to the people around me. My family have asked me to refrain from overnight visits because of the disruptions, and partners have related how disturbing they find it to be when one happens; I’ve even had the police called by concerned neighbors while living in apartments. Letting my coworkers in on this information is not something I particularly want to do. I’ve seen and heard how they gossip about basically everything. I frankly don’t trust them with knowing I have PTSD, let alone the causes, and it doesn’t help that there’s a push for us to become a more trauma-informed field (which I just know means someone would decide I should become an ambassador about my experiences). But I don’t know how to avoid it in this instance. Can I ask that my hotel room be located away from where the rest of my coworkers are? I’m worried about how that will be perceived, both from a team dynamic and especially as a man — I don’t want my coworkers thinking I’m hiding hookups or being standoffish, though I think I’d prefer that over discussing why they heard me screaming in the night. Will I have to explain why, if I do so? Should I just not attend the conference, knowing that it will look like I’m not engaging with our field and may cost me professionally? Are there other, better options that you can see and I’m not thinking of? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. After the booking has been made (but at least a week in advance of the trip), call the hotel and ask to be assigned a room in a different section than the rest of the party. They should handle this for you discreetly. You don’t need to explain why; you won’t be the first person making a request like this, and they’re likely to just matter-of-factly assign you to a different area of the hotel. When you check in, verify that they did indeed take care of it. If for some reason they didn’t, you can repeat the request at that point. You can be vague about why; just say “for privacy reasons” or similar. 2. Interviewer arrived late and seemed offended when I didn’t pause to greet her I was in a virtual interview that was supposed to be me (the candidate) and two panel members. Only one panel member was there at first, and he told me the manager would be a few minutes late. Didn’t bother me at all, and he and I made small talk. When the manager arrived (the two were in the same physical conference room and talking to me on a video call), I was in the middle of a story. My personal philosophy when late to meetings is I prefer to slip in unnoticed, assuming I’d be acknowledged in due time or not at all, depending on the situation. I do think it’s a case-by-case scenario though, and while I was speaking, I debated internally whether to greet her immediately or finish talking fast. My split second decision was to not draw attention to her lateness in case she was embarrassed and finished up my story as quickly as I could. In those few seconds finishing up, I saw her face fall and she clearly looked offended. The rest of the interview, she was stiff and dismissive, and even ended the interview early as she didn’t seem interested in asking me much. I got a rejection note a few weeks later. Of course, there could have been a bunch of reasons I didn’t make it further in the process, but I do feel like this one interaction cemented it. I was very disappointed as this was a company I had tried to get an interview with for many years and to lose my chance over one moment is frustrating. I had done tons of research on the manager and the role beforehand and was in the room for only 20 minutes, with almost half of that spent waiting for her. When we did greet her, I made sure to show my excitement at meeting her and treated her as the leader for the remaining time, but it didn’t sway her at all. I’m wondering if I did commit a meeting faux pas? Is there a generally accepted way to handle late attendees and I messed up? I’m more than happy to stop talking and acknowledge incoming folks. How should I have handled it, both in the moment and after I noticed her seeming offended? I do think that in an interview, when a missing panel member shows up it’s good manners to pause what you’re saying and greet them, and then say something like, “I was just telling Cedric about X.” That’s especially true when it’s the hiring manager, but it’s gracious to do that with any panel member. That said, it would be unusual for this to be a major factor in assessing you, and if it was, that tells you something about the hiring manager. 3. Asking about camera culture in an interview I’m currently in the process of interviewing and wondering how appropriate it would be to ask about a company’s or team’s camera expectations in meetings. I vastly prefer not having to turn on my camera during meetings (I don’t live alone, I don’t have a designated office area in my home, etc.). I do feel like this is a relevant culture question for remote workers, but I’m worried it comes off as not being a team player or that it appears standoffish. It’s definitely a relevant question for a lot of people. It also risks coming across a little strangely if it sounds like it’s a make-or-break question for you (which is unfair, but also the reality of it). But if it is a make-or-break question for you, you definitely need to ask. I’d suggest asking it as lightly as possible; don’t have it be the first question you ask, and make it as conversational as you can. So maybe: “What’s your meeting culture like with so many people remote — are you pretty meeting-heavy, cameras-on, cameras-off, some mix of the two?” Alternately, you could say, “My current job has us on camera a lot for Zoom calls and I’ve found it can sometimes be pretty draining — what’s your remote meeting culture like?” 4. Boss wants me to figure out a back-up for my work Last week, I asked my (new to me) manager about goals and she said to start planning SMART goals for next year. Yesterday we were discussing my upcoming vacation and she asked what my plan was, and I said that I would have to catch up on everything when I got back. She asked if I have a back-up, and I said no, I haven’t had one for three years. She asked what normally happens — again, I said I have to catch up when I get back. She then said I need to have some sort of back-up and add that as a goal for next year. I was then told to let the outside contractors know how to contact me ONLY if something cannot wait until my return. Last year during my sabbatical, my manager (director level) was let go, and I had no choice about monitoring emails and texts. Am I crazy for thinking it’s not within my power to designate a back-up and that my manager is the one who would have to designate who it should be, and then I train for the back-up functions? I just want a vacation where I don’t have to have my work phone with me at all. You might not have the authority to assign a back-up, but it sounds like your manager is asking you to think about who would be a logical choice and what the logistics of them backing you up would look like, then come to her with that proposal. That’s a good thing — she wants you to be able to take real vacations, and she’s asking for your input on a plan that allows that to happen. There are some jobs where your manager would simply assign you a back-up. But in others, the work is nuanced enough that you’re the person best equipped to think through how back-up needs to work (and that’s particularly likely to be the case here because your boss is new to managing you). You may also like:I have to share a hotel room with a coworker who screams in her sleepcan I bring a friend-with-benefits back to my hotel on a work trip?my employee was upset when I told him drive, not fly, to a conference five hours away { 282 comments }
when is it OK to quit without notice? by Alison Green on September 12, 2024 A reader writes: I’ve read your advice that two weeks’ notice before quitting is the professional standard, because it “provides time for you to wrap up projects and transition them to whoever will be covering them in the interim.” In general, I agree. But what about in situations where you couldn’t possibly “wrap up” anything with two years’ notice, much less two weeks? And there is literally nobody who could possibly cover your job duties? Imagine your usual bad company, where they hire a lot of staff in the wrong positions and never enough in the critical ones. Where there ends up being one, solitary, guy who maintains all the critical infrastructure, despite years of begging for more help. Who’s been on-call at all hours of the day, 24/7/365, for a decade. (Vacations? Hah! What are those?!) Where the pay and benefits are mediocre at best. Where the boss never gives a damn about you or the miracles you perform every week to keep things working … unless something breaks and then it’s all your fault. The usual B.S. And of course, it’s not like they would try and do much to fix things in that two weeks, either. They’ve ignored you for a decade; they’re not gonna see the light now. So why not just say “I quit!” and walk out the door at that point? I mean, there’s always the delight of the schadenfreude as a balm for the abused soul. But there’s also just getting out before you go entirely mad, too. And why subject yourself to two weeks of passive-aggressive victim-blaming at that point, either? What factors would you consider acceptable or unacceptable to help make that decision to go full Joanna over your flair? You should give two weeks notice because it’s the professional convention and it’s generally considered a bridge-burning move not to. There are some exceptions to this: * If circumstances make it impossible — for example, you need to leave immediately because of a health issue, family crisis, etc. * If your company has a track record of having resigning employees leave immediately and not paying them for their notice periods. * If you’re very new to the job. Sometimes in that case it will still make sense to offer two weeks if they want it, but not always. (More here.) * If you’re not being paid and it’s not a volunteer job. * If you’ve been egregiously mistreated. The bar for this is pretty high, though; the stuff in your letter probably wouldn’t qualify. (In contrast, here’s an example of a situation that did.) The problems in your letter are a reason to leave, but not a reason to burn the bridge by not giving any notice. If you leave without notice just because you’re annoyed and fed up … well, you’re still allowed to do that. But you should be aware that you’ll be burning the bridge. You might think you don’t care about that, but it’s something that’s highly likely to come up in future reference checks (formal as well as informal ones) and a lot of employers will get alarmed by that. It can also get you marked as ineligible for rehire, which also concerns reference-checkers. You might even find it affects how coworkers see you, not just your managers; even people you consider allies can be less likely to recommend for you for a job later on if they’re uneasy about how you left. Typically, when you’ve stuck out a situation like the one you described for years already, it’s in your best interests to just deal with two more weeks of it so that you leave on decent terms. Two weeks is nothing, particularly when you know you’re on your way out and don’t need to care about any of it anymore. Your point that your company won’t use those two weeks to transition your work doesn’t change any of this. Because again, it’s about professional convention. We can say that convention sucks and should change, but it’s still the convention for now and if you flout it, it can come with repercussions. It doesn’t matter if we think it should or not; for now, leaving with no notice without one of the reasons above still reads as an F-you. You might decide that you want to deliver that F-you, and you’ve considered the risks and are willing to accept them. If so, so be it! That’s your call. But go into it with your eyes open about the potential consequences. You may also like:my boss is handling my resignation badlycan I give 2 weeks notice when my employer says they "expect" 4 weeks?do I have to work in-office during my notice period? { 218 comments }
a resigning employee gave me the best gift by Alison Green on September 12, 2024 A reader writes: I am a manager, and I’ve heard you speak many times about how the best gift to a manager is a personal note about how the work we’ve done is appreciated by those who report to us. I wanted to share an experience I have recently had that underscores your point. I have a staff member who has been with my team for about three years, and he’s been great! Unfortunately, he’s outgrown his current position, and my organization is not in a position to support him in his next steps. With my blessing (and reference), he received a new position making about 50% more than he’s making here, and taking a significant step up in his career. On his last day, he gave me a bottle of my alcoholic beverage of choice, with the explanation that every time the team has gone out for drinks, I’ve paid since I’m “the boss” and that now that I’m not, he can buy the drinks. More importantly, he included a letter with the gift, and it’s one I will keep forever. It cited specifics about how I supported him and helped him to grow and learn in his position. How my trust in him helped him to achieve more than he had realized he could do. How without a manager like me, he would not have made it to the next step. He talked about how he had discussed the new position with a family member, and that person had said they’d never had a boss like he’d described — and how lucky he had been to be a part of my team. It was nearly a full page, and it made me cry good tears. Forget the (very nice) bottle of liquor — that letter meant everything! I’m very sorry to see him go, and I’m very happy that I could help him find his next step when I couldn’t. P.S. When he was interviewing, I pointed him to Ask A Manager, in particular for questions he can ask in interviews to make sure he would be okay with the culture of whatever next organization he considered. Yes! This is the way. You may also like:how can I stop my employees from giving me holiday gifts?my employee is a great worker but she's quiet and aloofmy coworker tipped me { 39 comments }
let’s talk about times when speaking up as a group got something changed at work by Alison Green on September 12, 2024 We talk a lot here about times when you need to band together with coworkers to push back on something as a group — an unfair policy, a problematic process, or anything that you’ll have more luck changing if you speak up as a group rather than as an individual. (Here’s advice on how to do it.) Let’s talk about times you’ve actually done it or seen it done. How did the group organize itself and why? What did you do, and what was the outcome? Please share in the comment section. You may also like:how can I tell our boss we’ll all quit if we can't work from home?what do you do when your coworkers are afraid to address a problem as a group?a volunteer group I founded years ago is devouring my life { 308 comments }
my boss told me to be less harsh, ex-employee didn’t check the mail, and more by Alison Green on September 12, 2024 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My boss told me to be less harsh but I think it was a miscommunication Yesterday, I had the rare honor of crying in front of my boss. He pulled me aside to gently ask me to rein in my big and sarcastic sense of humor because people have told him they find it dismissive. I told him that I volunteer to be the jerk with external people to protect the team’s time and sanity because we haven’t had a real team lead all year. He then said it was also coming from people on the team. I started crying because all I do is play peacemaker, and I was just baffled how to make fewer waves while everyone comes to me to solve problems from HR to facilities to project management. I left the office after the meeting and called a friend. During our conversation, I realized the only person I had a dust up with lately is my boss’s assistant. They work in a separate building, so I think of them as both “on” and “off” my direct team. Last week, in a meeting I strongly pushed back on deadlines they were giving one of my colleagues. He had a lot of technical work to do, and the deadline felt arbitrary. Our boss wasn’t at this meeting (he normally would’ve been), so I had to tell his assistant I would go over his head to pick the fight. He said our boss would not be happy. I said, “That’s fine, because I’m a grown-up.” What I meant is, “He can be mad at me, I’m not afraid of conflict.” However, his assistant is 24. And I think he took my words personally like “I am a grown-up unlike you, a little kid.” That would be a very mean thing to say to someone, and I wouldn’t blame him for telling his boss I’m a jerk. In our meeting, I asked my boss if I should make apologies and he said no, just try to be less harsh. Now that I’ve pieced this together (and think it’s a miscommunication), I want to apologize to his assistant. The caveat being I don’t know if this interaction is what my boss really meant! Should I pass the apology through my boss and he can do what he wants? Should I do a general “sorry, I was really tough about the deadlines” conversation with his assistant? Does crying soften my big bad wolf image enough that my boss will do the damage control for me? Even taking the potential miscommunication over “grown-up” out of it … it sounds like you might be coming across pretty aggressively in your communications with people: “I volunteer to be the jerk” … “big and sarcastic sense of humor” … “I strongly pushed back” (on a coworker’s deadlines — was it your battle to fight?) … “I would go over his head to pick the fight” … etc. That’s all a lot! You said all you do is play peacemaker, and I’m sure there’s plenty that’s not in your letter, but all of what’s here sounds like the opposite of peace-making. And to be clear, sometimes at work, the thing that’s called for is not peace-making. But this is a striking amount of adversarial framing in a short letter. I would apologize to the assistant for what you said, because it probably did sound like you meant to imply he’s not a grown-up, and also because it sounds like you were combative with him beyond that. But more importantly, consider that you might be coming across differently than you realize or intend. Your boss called it “harsh” and that’s what it sounds like to me too — not just this one interaction, but the larger pattern. (And no, I would not assume that your boss will do damage control for you; it sounds like he’s assigning that work to you — that’s what “be less harsh” is.) 2. Our entire nonprofit is in jeopardy because an ex-employee didn’t check the mail I run a small nonprofit. We have an ex-employee who did a lot of damage before she left a few weeks ago and I need advice. I put J on a PIP last spring. When she did not improve, I let her know that I was not inclined to keep her on for the next year, so (last chance) time to fish or cut bait. J soon turned in her resignation. While she was here, she had the responsibility to check one of our two mailboxes. One is for our mailing address, but she also had the key for a backup box, in case people send mail to our street address. We mostly get junk mail there, but the occasional legit mail shows up, and we check it regularly. Or so I thought. A few weeks after J turned in the key and left, we discovered that she had not checked the mail there for five months, lying about bringing it in during that time. We found a stack of wet and mildewed mail in the box. Among the junk were some significant pieces of mail, including checks due to us totaling $25,000+. We are trying to get those reissued. Worse, there were multiple letters from our state’s charitable registration office requesting documentation. When we did not reply, our state charitable status was revoked and we cannot legally solicit funds as a charity until we are reinstated. We have sent in the documents and are in the process of re-registering for charitable status. We don’t know if this will take weeks or months, and I have not been able to reach anyone at the registering office who can tell us. As a nonprofit relying on donations, this is potentially devastating. We filed a case with USPS and the Office of the Inspector General with regard to obstruction/delaying the mail. They responded that since the mail was never actually stolen, and was technically in our possession the whole time, no law has been broken. We will suffer a loss of income for certain. We are not allowed to solicit or receive donations or grants until this is resolved. State funding is impossible. I dread having to “furlough” dedicated employees, but if we don’t have income for months, we will not have the cash to make payroll. Is there anything I can do to hold this person accountable? Can a malicious, disgruntled ex-employee destroy our nonprofit like this? Yes. This is a horrible situation, but the post office is right that no crime was committed. The mail was delivered to your organization and technically in your possession; it’s just that the person who the organization assigned to deal with it from there wasn’t doing her job. The tough-love answer is that ultimately it’s the organization’s responsibility to have enough checks and balances in place that you’ll spot it early if someone isn’t doing a crucial part of their job. J had been on a PIP last spring so you’d known for a while that there were problems with her work; someone needed to be managing her much more closely, particularly given the potential high stakes in her area. When you’ve got someone under-performing to the point of a PIP, you’ve got to think about what else might be going wrong in their purview that you might not know about, because often there will be more, and get additional visibility into those things (usually through some combination of spot checks, data reviews, probing questions, direct observation, and extra poking around). That doesn’t mean you deserve this! This is an awful situation. But J no longer works for you and can’t be held accountable for doing a bad job for an organization she’s no longer part of. All you can do is learn from it and strengthen your systems for the future. 3. Preschool teacher’s pronouns This isn’t work-related for me as an employee, but as a parent/community member at my son’s preschool. It’s part of a larger organization that is ostensibly religious but doesn’t incorporate religion in any meaningful way. I’ve known my son’s new preschool teacher from around the organization and we’ve chatted a fair bit — we have some background in common and they’re very friendly. Now that my son is in this person’s class, I decided to Google them (a light Google, I promise!). The search turned up pretty much what I expected; if anything it made me like them more. The reason I’m writing, though, is because one of their profiles pretty prominently and publicly lists their pronouns as they/them. But at the school, all the teachers are gendered with a Ms. or Mr., and this teacher is not an exception — their classroom door says “Mr. Michael.” I’ve always known them as Mr. Michael and referred to them that way. My gut is telling me to ignore what I learned online and just follow the teacher’s lead. I don’t know what their reasons are for using he/him pronouns at school and I definitely don’t think saying “hey, I googled you, would you prefer they/them” is a great way to show support. Our state is purple but our area tends more liberal, and the organization that owns the preschool explicitly welcomes people of all gender identities and expressions. But obviously that doesn’t automatically make it easy for individuals to be out, and we all know how fraught the topic of gender expression is in general in the early childhood space. As a parent and member of the organization, I wonder if speaking up about supporting teachers (and others) who fall outside the traditional gender binary could have a positive impact. I just have no idea how to do it without making it weird for this one teacher. Nope, leave it alone. The teacher may have reasons for using he/him at school and you shouldn’t out them. You can certainly look for ways to signal that you’re a safe and supportive person in general — feel free to carry a tote bag with a rainbow pin or wear a t-shirt with an equality message or anything else along those lines — but follow their lead (not Google’s!) when it comes to their identity. 4. My company posted my job on LinkedIn I am a great employee who has had no negative events during my tenure. Last night I was told there was a post for my job on LinkedIn, which I saw and took a screenshot of. Ten minutes later, it was taken down. I am not sure what direction to go because I am out of town and my boss has said nothing to me. Can you help? It’s possible that it was simply an error: someone meant to post job X and accidentally posted job Y. The fact that it was taken down fairly quickly makes that more likely. But it’s entirely understandable to be unnerved and to ask your boss about it. It’s fine to say, “I saw my job was briefly posted on the company’s LinkedIn earlier this week. It’s down now, but obviously that got me concerned.” 5. Should I follow up on my application again? I recently applied for a job that I really, really want. I’m not, perhaps, the “ideal” candidate, but I think I am qualified and it’s in a field with a lot of openings, so I feel like it should be to the job seeker’s advantage. After I found the posting, I went to the company’s website to do more investigation. I followed the instructions on their website and sent a resume, cover letter, and work samples to a careers.companyname email. I got an automated response that they would review my resume within 10 days and get back to me if my qualifications meet their needs. Two weeks passed and I sent one follow-up email just to verify my resume was received. During that two weeks, I realized I had a connection in my network who used to be a partner in this firm. Although he didn’t know me super well, I knew that I had made a favorable impression on him while participating in some professional organization’s events. I reached out to him and asked if he could forward my name along to a contact at the company. He did so, with a soft but definitely positive recommendation, and cc’d me. One of the principals on the chain replied all with, “Thanks, we’ll keep an eye out!” Now I’m left wondering what my next steps should be. I have no way of knowing if they have truly even seen my resume. Perhaps they are looking for an application from Indeed or something and by sending it via email, I made a faux pas. Or maybe they have seen it and are just not interested. Or maybe these things just take longer that I’d like. For what it’s worth, the job listing is still active. Do I follow up again? And if so, how long should I wait between the first follow-up and a second follow-up? And do I reply to my first email or the group email with the recommendation? Don’t do additional follow-up. They know you’re interested because you applied, you confirmed they received your resume, and they told your contact they’d take a look. That’s all there’s really room for you to do; anything else would be pushy and risk being annoying. If they want to interview you, they’ll let you know. You may also like:is my coworker justified in being angry that I reported him for sending out personal mail from the office?can I suggest a junior coworker tone down her sarcastic sense of humor?how do I know when it's time to give up on a promotion? { 728 comments }
a nonprofit kept badgering me to interview their disabled client by Alison Green on September 11, 2024 A reader writes: I’ve read the many times you’ve talked about how to not annoy hiring managers or badger them, but I’m wondering if I’m finding my situation a little too annoying. We’re hiring for a very specific type of job that requires a skill set that we don’t have the time or resources to train someone on. It’s pretty clear in the job posting too! The day we put up the ad, a woman come in and asked to speak with me. It turned out she worked for a nonprofit that helps adults with developmental disabilities get jobs. She gave me the name and resume of someone, Ferguson, and told me how he’d be a great fit, etc. I took the information and thanked her. Ferguson then submitted his resume; however, he didn’t have the skill set needed. We hadn’t replied to any applicants yet and then two days later the woman called me. I wasn’t around so she left a voicemail. In it she told me again that Ferguson was a good person for the job, and they requested that I at least interview him so I can see his full potential. On one hand, I totally get this is her job, but I felt it was a little off-putting and actually made me feel bad. Even if it gave Ferguson experience, I don’t really have the time to interview someone I know isn’t going to be a good fit. And I felt like it would give him false hope. I was off for the rest of the week and didn’t call her back, so she left two additional voicemails stating the same thing, that they would really appreciate it if we interviewed him and it would be really great if we gave him a chance. Am I off-base in feeling like it was a bit icky to keep calling me? I get coming in and handing me the resume, that was fine, even the follow-up phone call was alright, but I didn’t care for the pressure she was trying to put me under just to interview him. She kept stressing that this job would be important to him and that he was a really good person. Which I’m sure he is! Should I have called her back? I feel like I would have nothing to say to her, besides thanking her. Or would it have been better to have told her up-front that Ferguson didn’t have the skill set required for the job? Do you think her approach is tanking Ferguson’s chances at a job elsewhere too? I’m torn — I admire the nonprofit and their assistance but at the same time, I’d rather not be guilted into interviewing someone! (If it matters, Ferugson himself never contacted me. If they had asked for feedback on his resume/cover letter, I’d be happy to provide it. There’s nothing wrong with either of them; it really is the fact that he’s just not the qualified for the job!) I really feel terrible not calling her back, but I honestly have no idea what to say especially since it’s not her applying and I’d feel weird giving her information on someone else’s status too. Yeah, that’s not a useful way for this kind of organization to work. The initial contact was fine. It shouldn’t have been in-person unless you made it clear that you’re one of the rare organizations that welcomes that — most find that annoying and generally won’t talk to people who try to do that — but otherwise it was fine. I’d even be okay with one follow-up after that. In general, in most fields I wouldn’t recommend that candidates follow up on job applications — the employer knows you’re interested, it’s in their court, and they’ll contact you if they want to talk further — but in this set of circumstances, where her job is to advocate for a disabled client, sure. But the continued phone calls and the insistence that Ferguson was a great person for the job when your ad made it clear that was unlikely to be the case was too much, and was at least as likely to undermine Ferguson’s chances as it was to help him. I’m also concerned this organization — or at least this particular employee — isn’t particularly good at the services they’re providing! It doesn’t make sense to put resources into pushing a client for a job they’re not qualified for. And someone doing that work needs a nuanced understanding of hiring and which approaches will be effective and which won’t be, and that framing an interview as a favor is not the way to go. I have no doubt it’s difficult work, but it’s a disservice to their clients not to better target their pitches and to use strategies more likely to get someone hired. I do think you should have called her back and told her that Ferguson wasn’t qualified for the role or sent him a note letting him know that — or ideally told her that up-front when she first showed you his resume. I hear you on feeling weird giving out information on someone else’s application status, but these were special circumstances, where she was functioning as his rep for a specific reason. But otherwise, no, I don’t think you’re off-base. You may also like:why can't you contact your spouse's employer to advocate for them?my interview was canceled because I was "rude and pushy"employers need to hire more people with disabilities ... here's how { 191 comments }
update: my boss reprimanded me for not answering an email … in four minutes by Alison Green on September 11, 2024 Remember the letter-writer whose boss reprimanded them for not answering an email in four minutes? Here’s the update. Your response was really helpful. Martha had already fucked with my head so much that she really had me doubting myself — so much so, that I honestly thought you might take her side and ask me, “But why did it take you four whole minutes to answer the email?” So for you and the commenters to reassure me that yes, she was being unreasonable was really helpful. As for an update … reader, she fired me. Yes, I took your advice and started looking for a new job. She fired me before I could find one. The four-minute email happened about a month after I started, and I got fired just under the three-month mark. The reason given was that I was making too many mistakes and that they couldn’t trust me with my assignments. I’m curious how it’s going with my replacement, if things like accidentally saving a draft to the wrong folder (in your first month at a new job) qualify as fireable offenses. I did mess up sometimes — more than I normally do. But I think it’s because of how Martha treated me. She was so volatile that I didn’t feel comfortable asking questions (and she also would just disappear fairly often — she can disappear for three hours, I’m in trouble for missing a phone call because I was using the restroom), so a lot of times I had to make my best guess (and yes, amazingly, my best guess was ALWAYS wrong!) She was always coming after me with artificially compressed deadlines, so I usually had to send her work without having the amount of time I’d prefer to proofread, double-check, etc. Sometimes I thought she was moving the goalposts. Often, she would say, “I told you to do X, not Y” and I’d think (though I’d never say it out loud, lest I face her wrath) “I … don’t think you did, actually.” And, sometimes it was 100% clear that she was just inventing reasons to berate me (see, e.g., four-minute email). When I got the email that I wrote to you about, I knew deep down that she was just never going to let up. Clearly, she would find something to criticize whether I did something wrong or not, and in the end probably fire me (or bully me until I quit). That played out many times in the weeks before my firing. If I made a minor mistake, she lost her mind. If I didn’t make a mistake, she would invent one. For example, she would email me to say things like, “The meeting has been over for 30 minutes; by this point you should have emailed me to ask what our next steps are.” (Maybe, but see above re: hesitancy to initiate contact with volatile boss who finds fault with everything I say or do.) I absolutely couldn’t win and it was just a horrible, stressful, demoralizing experience. The good news is that I did find another job that I’m much happier with, though the first few weeks were VERY tough as I tried to put the experience with Martha behind me. I was afraid to ask questions, thought I was about to be fired every time I made a mistake, etc. But as time went by and it became clear to me that I was now working with reasonable people, it got much better. While I didn’t get out in time, I’m grateful for you and the commenters because, as I said, it helped me to keep some perspective in the face of a person doing her best to destroy my faith in my basic competency. I really wish this hadn’t happened to me, and while I’m happy in my new job (and it’s a bump in both title and salary — I actually now have Martha’s job title — seriously, suck it, Martha) I would never say “it happened for a reason” or that I’m grateful for it in any way. The fact that someone could bully me like this, be 100% in the wrong, fire me, and get away with all of it is really hard to accept. But all I can do is look forward. You may also like:my boss reprimanded me for not answering an email ... in four minutesis it ever bad to reply to an email too quickly?how long should you wait if someone is late to a virtual meeting? { 175 comments }
my employee is a great worker but she’s quiet and aloof by Alison Green on September 11, 2024 A reader writes: A staff member I manage, Marianne, is very good at her job. She’s easy to manage in that she’s on top of her work, understands the organization, and takes constructive criticism very well. She’s also the most aloof person I’ve ever met. Though she’s been part of our small team for years before I started, people barely know her. She doesn’t speak up, and in a recent all-day retreat said literally not one word. In meetings when something comes up that is clearly appropriate for her to weigh in on, I have to specifically ask her to comment. We know almost nothing about her personal life and didn’t know she was even dating someone until we randomly found out she got married. She never attends non-mandatory work events like staff parties. She recently asked us not to celebrate her birthday as we do the rest of the team. I’m torn because it’s not Marianne’s job to be open with us about her life, but also it’s so out of touch with the culture here, and others in the organization, including my boss, mention it. I try to do everything I can to make her feel comfortable and give her opportunities to share without pressuring her. I make a point to ask about her weekends, if there’s anything she needs to be able to do her job better or feel more comfortable, and I’ve coached her about what she should be speaking up about in meetings. I share with her a bit about my life, but not too much so I don’t make her uncomfortable. I try to be up-front without prying, so when it was noticeable that she was taking a lot of sick days I told her I noticed, I’m glad she is using her days, and asked if there was anything she needed and offered support. If anything, she’s become more aloof. The one time she had a family emergency and came to me crying, I thought I handled it well – gave her the time she needed without question, referred her to our EAP (which she later mentioned she utilized), and asked only once or twice how her family was doing after giving her time to deal. Can I be doing anything else to encourage Marianne to open up and be more a part of the team? Should I even be trying? I don’t want to change her entire personality, but I do want her to feel connected, be more appreciated by others for her mostly behind-the-scenes work, and for she and I to have a good relationship. Nah, leave Marianne alone. This is how she is! Maybe she’s shy, maybe she’s consumed with things in her personal life and doesn’t have the bandwidth to connect socially at work, maybe she’s just someone with unusually high boundaries around her personal life. I’m guessing shy is at least a part of it, since she doesn’t speak up at meetings without encouragement. Regardless of what’s behind it, it’s okay that she’s this way! It’s not your job to push her to change. People on teams are allowed to have a whole variety of work and socialization styles. In fact, teams are often stronger when everyone isn’t the same. Marianne is good at her job, on top of her work, understands the organization, and takes constructive criticism well. Take the win! You were right to initially look for ways to make her feel more comfortable and to try to create opportunities to connect on a more personal level. Some people respond well to those efforts and will come out of their shells in response, and will be happier for it. But some people will feel pressured by it, especially if it continues despite their signals that they prefer you stop. At this point, you should respect her signals. I hear you on this being out of sync with your workplace’s culture, but that doesn’t mean it’s something that needs to be fixed. Some things that are culturally out of sync do need to be addressed, like if your culture was very fast-paced and she operated with no sense of urgency, or if your culture put a premium on customer service and she was brusque or unhelpful to clients. But those would be problems with her work. What you’ve described is not. If other people mention that Marianne seems closed off, model the right response back to them: “yep, she’s just quieter, but she does great work and I’m happy to have her on the team.” Don’t let them convince you it’s a problem; to the contrary, indicate by your response that it’s not. I know, too, that you’re concerned about Marianne being happy there. You want her to feel connected and like part of the team. But not everyone needs or wants those things to be satisfied at work. You’ve created a bunch of opportunities for those things in the past, and she’s not grabbing at them. It’s reasonable to conclude she doesn’t prefer to work that way. We don’t need to understand why; we just need to respect that it’s the case. If anything, she may feel more connected to the work and appreciated for who she is if she doesn’t feel like she’s constantly being pushed to be someone she’s not. Respect her differences, value her for the good worker she is, and let the rest go. You may also like:I manage an employee who pushes too much positivity on her teamhow do I manage an employee who's terrified of me?how to tell an employee to stay in their lane { 442 comments }
my boss asked us to hold him accountable for losing weight, employer is trying to get out of paying overtime, and more by Alison Green on September 11, 2024 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My boss asked us to hold him accountable for his weight loss plan I recently left an admin position at a resort that includes a high-end athletic facility in an affluent tourist area. It is a very old three-star resort that has made serious investments in becoming a five-star resort in the next few years. They have hired a consultant to advise and he is working one-on-one with my former direct boss, the senior accountant (Paul), get him where he needs to be to be promoted to CFO. The consultant held a team-building meeting that focused on holding ourselves and each other accountable. We went around the room and said what we needed help being held accountable for. When it was Paul’s turn, the consultant encouraged him to tell the group that his weight loss is what he wishes to be held accountable for (among other work-related items, such as communication). The consultant prompted him to tell us all about his progress so far and what he wants to accomplish etc. After the meeting ended, Paul put his work-out regimen on his door and reminded us to hold him accountable for it. The consultant calls/texts Paul weekly to check up on progress for “all his goals,” but the conversation is focused 80% on weight loss, from what I could hear on the speaker phone. I asked our junior accountant his opinion and he felt that it is up to Paul to say what he wants to say, and that the consultant is focused on appearance because of the image that the resort is trying to project. My intuition is that his appearance may be kind of tied to his promotion. My question, is this not wild? Aside from my own feelings about talking to my boss about if he worked out, I feel this is not fair to Paul. Surely image is nothing that some tailored suits and a few body language conversations can’t fix? What if this were a woman? Is there ever an appropriate time for this type of conversation at work, with or without a promotion on the line? No, this is weird. I can’t tell whether the weight loss goal was something that Paul initially raised himself or whether the consultant pushed him into it. If it was Paul’s idea, it’s weird and inappropriate to ask employees to hold him accountable to that in any way, let alone to have weekly check-in’s with a company-paid consultant about his progress. If it was the consultant’s idea, it’s far worse. 2. After I had to fire someone, my boss asked if I still want to be a manager After 14 years managing a team of nine people, six years ago I switched careers, taking a less senior position in order to do some very fulfilling nonprofit work. In my current role, I supervise three people. One had to be let go two weeks ago. I felt terrible about it, but it was clearly not working out due to a skill-set mismatch, plus other behaviors that were causing issues. The employee had come off a PIP about 10 weeks prior, but the improvement was not sustained beyond the first few weeks. The employee felt taken by surprise during the termination meeting and lashed out, trying to convince the HR rep who was present that I had not given them any feedback about this lack of progress or unprofessionalism. (HR was not fooled, but I definitely had given the employee more leeway than I probably should have.) Fast forward to yesterday, when my boss asked whether I “still wanted to be a manager.” I was so taken aback that I did not ask whether this was coming from a place of concern, as I had voiced feeling like I had let this employee down as a manager, or from a place of mistrust/disappointment that I had not been able to mentor this employee into a better performer. (My boss was out on leave during most of this employee’s tenure of 10 months, so his understanding of the situation was not first-hand, but he was in agreement that the termination was needed.) I answered that I was content to continue managing my team. Maybe I am not that great of a manager and merely have been lucky during my entire career in never needing to fire someone? I have been truly shaken by this whole experience. Because we won’t be able to hire a replacement for a couple months, I am now busy doing the work of two people, but find myself fretting over my boss’ question. Do I let it go or ask for a clarification? Do I ask for some professional development of my management skills? Go back and ask your boss why he asked. It’s very possible, even likely, that his question was a response to you voicing self-doubt. But you’re not sure and it’s weighing on you — and it’s potentially a serious enough topic that it doesn’t make sense to guess. Go back to your boss and say, “I’ve been thinking about you asking if I still wanted to manage and I want to make sure I understand where you were coming from. Do you have concerns about how I’m approaching the job?” Find out for sure instead of speculating. For what it’s worth, anyone who’s managed for a long enough time will eventually have to fire someone. It doesn’t mean you failed as a manager — in fact, keeping someone on who was clearly not right for the job (after feedback and coaching) is what would have been the failure. Addressing a problem forthrightly and working through it is not. I don’t know the details of what happened and maybe there were failures in how you handled it; maybe you waited too long, didn’t set clear enough expectations, or didn’t give useful feedback. But “I didn’t manage to turn someone without the skills for the job into someone right for the job” isn’t normally in the failure category. Maybe it was a failure of hiring! That’s worth looking at. Whenever you have to let someone go, it’s smart to look at what happened and how you ended up there. And maybe you do want some management training. But the fact of having to fire someone who was backsliding right after finishing a PIP is not itself a sign you failed. Related: I had to fire someone and I feel like a failure 3. My coworker keeps screaming profanities … but we’re remote and he’s my husband In a normal office environment, it would never be appropriate to shout or curse. But now that my husband works from home, he enjoys the perks of remote work such as wearing gym shorts and letting out a stream of expletives after frustrating meetings. The problem is that I work remotely, too, and it’s really stressing me out! It’s not audible on my calls (I have an excellent headset), but every few hours I get a jumpscare when there’s sudden banging and shouting in the next room. I understand he’s on a very high drama project with impossible deadlines, so it seems wrong to tell him he’s not allowed an emotional outlet in his own home. But now I’m getting secondhand stress. How do I deal? You need to talk to him about it! Tell him the impact it’s having on you and ask him to stop. This isn’t about saying he’s not allowed an emotional outlet in his own home; it’s about asking him to be considerate that during the workday, it’s a shared space where you’re both working. He can have an emotional outlet outside of work hours, like everyone else. That’s how he’d need to deal if he were working in an office, and it’s not outrageously onerous to ask of him when you’re both working from home either. 4. New hires are missing our ID check appointments I oversee the onboarding process for new hires at my company, and one of the steps is a video call where we check that the employee is the person on the ID documents they’ve given us. This is a legally required check where I live, and our compliance team requires it after an incident where the person we hired wasn’t the person we interviewed! However, a lot of candidates show up late to these calls, or don’t show up at all. Often, they’re also slow to provide necessary documents to even start this process, and it’s not until I start sending emails telling them we’re going to delay their joining date that they seem to get that there’s urgency here. This does tend to be candidates in very junior roles, or ones who haven’t changed job in years. Any suggestions on how to manage this bad behavior from otherwise good candidates? (These calls are before their first day, but after they’ve been given their offers and signed paperwork.) The ID check used to happen in person on the morning of a new employee’s first day, so there was no chance of their missing it. Many companies have moved to doing it remotely ahead of time, but there’s no reason it has to be done like that. So one option: any chance you can simply do it the morning they start? (If they’re remote, you could keep it remote; we’re just talking about changing the timing.) If that’s not practical, then your best bet is to make it really, really clear when setting up these calls what the consequence of missing it will be. As in: “It’s essential that you be on-time for this appointment or your start date may be delayed. If you need to reschedule, please let me know as soon as possible.” Since you’re also encountering people being slow in getting you the documents needed to start the process, be up-front about timelines there too: “Please submit XYZ no later than September 17 or your start date may be delayed.” You’ll still get people being flaky (in part because they’re not working for you yet and likely figure some of this can be handled once they start) but it should cut down on it. 5. My employer is trying to get out of paying me overtime I am a teacher, and have never had to think about overtime pay because teachers are exempt. I now have a second job as the director of a small local history museum. I am the only employee. It is mostly a summer job, with some administrative tasks in the school year. The museum board pays me a salary of $30,000. I don’t think anyone on the board was aware of the minimum salary rule for exempt employees, which makes me a non-exempt salaried employee. I only learned about it from reading your column. I let the board know that I will need to be paid overtime for hours I work beyond 40 in a week. I typically work at the museum 38 hours each week. Outside of business hours, I work on things at home, such as researching programs and recording videos, and do work outside of the building like shop for supplies, go to off-site storage, or attend committee meetings. Much of this I cannot do during business hours because I am the only employee. One board member said because I am salaried, I have to expect to do things outside of business hours without being paid overtime. Another board member said I should only count the hours I work at the museum. A third board member said if I am choosing to do research and make videos at home, they shouldn’t have to pay me for it. A fourth board member suggested that they could increase my salary to meet the exempt threshold if I do a fundraiser and earn that amount. Now they are arguing about which of them is right and what they should do. I think they are all wrong and they just need to have me work fewer hours or pay me overtime. What do you think? The law is very clear about how this works; it’s not open to interpretation. Because you do not meet the salary threshold for exemption, you are non-exempt and must be paid overtime (time and a half) for any hours over 40 that you work in a work week. That includes work that happens off-site, and it includes work that you “choose” to do on your own. There’s no “unless you really want to do it” exception. This is what the law requires. It’s true that they could decide it’s a requirement of your job to fundraise the amount needed to pay you enough to be exempt. That’s the only thing they’re proposing that wouldn’t be illegal. (And even then, if you failed to raise the amount needed, they’d still need to pay you for any overtime you’d worked. They could fire you for not fundraising enough if they wanted to, but they’d still owe you the overtime pay.) If they can’t afford to pay overtime or raise your salary so that you’re legally exempt from overtime, then they can’t afford an employee who works more than 40 hours a week. You may also like:do I have any chance of fixing my dysfunctional job?how should we respond to complaints about a non-binary guest in the bathrooms?is my employee lying to avoid coming into the office, convention center won't turn down the music, and more { 290 comments }