everyone at my new job loves my high school bully, company wants us to pay for a work trip, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Everyone at my new job loves my high school bully

I’m an actor and just started rehearsals for a play. A woman who bullied me terribly in high school is active in my city’s theater community. Luckily, I haven’t run into her as I was busy with college and then lived in a different city for a couple of years. One of my castmates offhandedly mentioned her. I said that I went to high school with her, but obviously did not mention the bullying. The castmate began singing her praises, and others joined in. I thought my heart was going to stop.

I’m nearly 30, but I am not over what she did to me. Without getting into details, she enlisted other students and even a faculty member in her bullying. I began self-harming, attempting suicide, and spent some time in intensive outpatient therapy.

I now have to hear about her almost every night. I can’t say anything about the bullying, because I don’t want to bring up old drama and I don’t want her to find out she still has this effect on me. The show will be over by November, but I don’t know if I can continue like this for that long. I’m physically ill and my work at my day job is slipping. Dropping out isn’t an option. What do you think I should do?

You’ve taken the two most obvious options off the table: saying something or dropping out. If you’re physically ill and it’s affecting your day job, you need to do one of those. Saying something would be the easiest! You don’t need to get into details; you can simply say, “Jane and I have a rough history and it’s messing with my focus to talk about her so frequently — could you not bring her up around me so often?”

Does this sound like there’s A Story and might it make people curious to know what happened? Yes. But that doesn’t need to be your problem. If anyone pries for details, you can say, “I really don’t want to talk about it, it was years ago.” If people wonder, so be it. The alternative is continuing to hear about her all the time.

However … if she’s active in your city’s theater community and you’re going to be part of that community, realistically this is likely to keep coming up. It’s actually pretty weird that they’re bringing her up so frequently — what is so interesting to them about this woman?! — but apparently that’s the situation. So I do think you’ve got to decide if you’re up for remaining active in that community yourself, knowing Jane will be be around/discussed, or whether you’d rather disengage. And that sucks! You should be able to participate in community theater if you want to. But those are probably the choices. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Also, would it help to check in with a therapist for a few sessions, given the impact this is having on your quality of life? I imagine it might be awfully demoralizing to think you’re once again having to seek therapy because of Jane, but we’re talking about something that’s making you physically ill and affecting your job.

If all of this sounds like too much to bother to deal with, I’d honestly consider quitting the play. I know you said it’s not an option, but it would presumably be an option if you had something else health-related going on, right? (There too, I imagine it might be demoralizing to feel like you have to quit something all these years later because of Jane, but you really don’t need to just power through.)

2. My employee is bad at communicating

I am moving into a management position for the first time in many years. The last time I had a direct report, it was a disaster. My current direct report is great — he’s enthusiastic and a quick learner. This is also his first job out of college so it’s a big learning curve. And I really, really don’t want to mess up managing again!

So far the only issue I’ve encountered is a communication issue. When he’s speaking to me, I often find it hard to get a handle on what he’s trying to say, and end up having to ask a lot of questions so I can nail down the information.

For example, he will use the word “they” to refer to multiple individuals in a conversation, so I have to keep asking him which of the various people involved he’s referring to, or he’ll send Teams messages that are vague. The other day, he sent me a Teams message the other day about a technical issue during a presentation that said, “I keep seeing my messages” when what he meant was that his Teams notifications were popping up during a shared screen and he didn’t know how to turn them off.

I want to give him some constructive feedback, but saying “get better at communicating” doesn’t seem specific or actionable enough. Ideally, I’d like to be able to grasp what he’s saying without having to ask a lot of clarifying questions. Do you have any advice for how to address this, or any advice for a new manager who really, really wants to be a good manager?

The next time it happens, name it in the moment and ask clearly for what you want him to do differently. So for example, the next time he’s using “they” to refer to multiple people, say, “You’re saying ’they’ for a bunch of different people and I don’t know who you’re referencing. Can you make a point of using each person’s name, not just now but in all the time? It’ll make conversations easier to follow.” (I wonder if you’ve hesitated to say that because it’s so basic that it might feel condescending — but the fact is, what he’s doing is a problem and there’s no other way to get him to change it.) You can also name the pattern itself: “You sometimes send me messages without giving me enough background to know the context. For example, X and Y. Can you make a point of including a couple of sentences of context when you message me so that I have the background on what we’re talking about?”

More broadly: I don’t know what the management disaster was last time, but make sure you’ve reflected on whatever happened, identified what you should have done differently, and internalized those lessons. There’s also tons of help available for new managers if you seek out it! Weirdly, companies don’t always offer much support to new managers, but there’s guidance out there if you look for it. Ideally you’d have a more experienced manager as a mentor to bounce things off of, but there are books, classes, articles… Here’s one starting place.

3. Company wants us to pay for a work trip

Every year my company hosts a company trip for partners in the company (it’s a start-up, so a majority of employees were offered partnership).

This is my first year being invited to attend. We got a group “discount” at the recommended hotel the meetings will be held in and a $100 reimbursement. Alison, I’m at the admin level, I can’t feasibly drop $700 for a weekend and have to use a day of PTO to ensure I get there on a Friday. It’s optional to go, but we are HEAVILY encouraged and repeatedly asked to attend. After I pushed back, they finally booked the rooms for us and offered a partial work day to head out to the destination. But even then it’s still expensive, and they are refusing work from home. We also are attending work sessions that we are not going to be paid for under the guise that it’s strategic planning.

Am I crazy in thinking they should do more to cover our costs? Or do companies really just pay for rooms and everything else you cover?

Let me get this straight: They’re heavily pressuring you to attend a work trip but expecting you to pay for your own hotel (minus their contribution of $100) and use PTO to travel to it? And then while you’re there, it won’t count as work time?

Lol no. That’s utterly ridiculous.

Employers are generally expected to pay the cost of business travel (hotel and transportation at a minimum, and ideally meals as well), your travel time shouldn’t come out of PTO, and if you’re non-exempt you need to be paid for the work sessions that happen on the trip. That last part is federal law; it’s not up to them.

If the trip were both optional and purely recreational (like a reward where you weren’t expected to do any work), this would still be pretty stingy. The fact that it’s an actual work trip and you’re being pressured to go moves this into the realm of outrageous.

What happens if you say, “I’d like to go but I can’t afford the expenses or the PTO”?

4. How do I get out of some of these meetings?

My calendar is filling up with 1:1 check-ins with people not in my vertical. These check-ins started as a way to collaborate more in our remote jobs, and often they are helpful. But I think it’s taking over my week a little too much and I’m constantly struggling to find focus time. I think it would be helpful to reduce cadence on a few of these check-ins but it’s hard to tell people “I want to meet with you less!” Do you have a suggestion on how to ask this diplomatically?

“I’ve been slammed lately and need to carve out more time for project work (or “to meet some deadlines” or whatever makes sense in your context). Can we change the cadence of our meetings to ___?” (Fill in the blank with monthly, every other week, as needed, or whatever makes sense.) Hell, you can even say, “I urgently need to carve out some space on my calendar over the next few weeks. Can we put our check-ins on hold for now?”

5. Did I mess up by referring to a “suspended” hiring process?

I recently had a great first interview with an in-house recruiter for a role I am really excited about. The recruiter told me that she would be moving me to the next step and that I would hear from her within the next week. After two weeks, I sent a brief, polite follow-up email just to check in and see if there were any updates.

The recruiter wrote back saying that they had several recruitment processes going on and they were “unable to progress any further for now” with recruitment for the role in question. I replied that I was sorry to hear that the process had been suspended, but I was still excited about the opportunity and asked her to please get back in touch when they were ready to restart.

She responded that the process was not suspended, it was ongoing, they just couldn’t move as quickly. This directly contradicted her first message and the tone suggested that I’d offended her. I fired back a quick apology and reiterated that I would love to hear from her when they’re ready.

Did I screw up? Is “suspended” a dirty word? It seemed accurate in response to her first message. Do I need to do more to fix this?

“Suspended” isn’t a dirty word and I doubt you offended the recruiter or misstepped. She was simply clarifying that they’re not stopping recruitment; it’s just slowing way down / is on the back burner as a priority right now. There’s nothing to fix; all is fine.

my coworker is upset that I didn’t tell her I’m pregnant

A reader writes:

I am just a few weeks pregnant (and not showing at all). I have only told the few people at work who need to know, as I’ve had a rocky first trimester and needed some time to deal with pretty terrible morning sickness. The people who know are as follows: my boss, HR, my friend who shares my office with me and has seen me rush out of the room to go throw up, and another colleague who is a close family friend.

Two weeks ago, the office busybody, Roberta, bustled into my office demanding, “Why didn’t you TELL me?” over and over again, complete with wiggling her eyebrows knowingly. I played dumb and asked, “Tell you what, exactly?” until she finally said, “That you’re pregnant!” I said that I wasn’t really telling people yet, and I was confused as to who told her. She insisted it was fine to tell her, and I kept insisting that I wasn’t telling people yet and that I would like to know why she knows. We went around like this for a bit until she said congratulations and left in a bit of a huff.

I found out later that she knows because the person at the front desk overheard someone else talking about it and decided to bring it up when she and Roberta were talking about stocking the bathroom with menstruation pads and she joked that I “clearly wouldn’t be needing them.” (A whole other level of weird, in my opinion!)

It’s been a few weeks now and Roberta will not look at me or talk to me about anything, work-related or otherwise. I think she’s offended that she wasn’t told I was pregnant, but … am I right in thinking that’s my private medical information? I wasn’t even past the first trimester yet, and I know people generally hold off on announcing it until then.

I’m wondering how to navigate this situation, and if I need to talk with her directly about her (or my?) behavior? Could I have done something differently?

If this impacts the situation at all, she’s older than I am (baby boomer to my millennial), and she’s overly gossipy and tends to heavily comment on other’s bodies and appearances in a way I find uncomfortable. Thus, I have a polite but distant relationship with her — more of a distant acquaintance than a close work friend. I didn’t want to tell her I was pregnant at all — and certainly not this early! — given these issues. I also don’t really want to focus on my pregnancy at work, but on my work, which I think is fairly reasonable.

You are not wrong in any way. Roberta was out of line in laying claim to your news in the first place, and even more out of line in acting offended around you now.

It’s reasonable and normal not to share pregnancy news at work (or anywhere) until you’re ready to — whether that means past your first trimester or something else. Colleagues aren’t entitled to know about your pregnancy until things are at the point where you need to discuss plans for your leave. The first trimester is not that point.

My guess is that Roberta’s side of this would sound something like, “I heard she was pregnant and was excited and wanted to congratulate her, but she wouldn’t accept my good wishes and just demanded to know how I knew.” She probably did genuinely feel hurt by that; the most generous reading is that she thought she was going to have a warm moment of connection with you and got rebuffed. But that doesn’t make her in the right; she’s still 100% in the wrong, both for violating your privacy and demanding you share personal info with her, and for getting affronted when you tried to maintain a reasonable boundary. If she feels embarrassed or hurt, that’s something she needs to deal with privately. Instead she’s making it into your problem by acting as if you offended her.

As for what to do, you have a few options.

First, how much does it affect your work that she won’t speak to you? If there’s no real impact on your work, you could choose to ignore what she’s doing and figure it’s her problem, not yours.

But if it’s affecting your work, ignoring it isn’t an option. In that case, you could talk to her directly, approaching it as, “It seems like you haven’t been talking to me since you asked if I was pregnant, and I do need you to talk to me about things like XYZ so I can get my work done.”

Alternately, you could loop in your boss, because a colleague refusing to discuss work with you is Not Okay. Ideally you’d attempt to talk to Roberta directly first — both because that might solve it and because if it doesn’t, it’ll be useful to tell your boss you’ve tried. But if she keeps freezing you out, it’s a work issue that your boss needs to know about. (Also, based on how Roberta is handling this, I’m betting you’re not the only colleague she has trouble working with.)

my job interview went great — why haven’t I heard back?

You walked out of your job interview feeling great – you clicked with your interviewer, nailed every question, ticked all their boxes. They seemed impressed and excited to work with you, and you were sure an offer was in your near future. But since then … nothing. Maybe your interviewer even assured you that you’d hear from them within a week or two, but now twice that amount of time has passed and they still haven’t made contact. What is going on?!

In a decade and a half of writing a work advice column, I’ve received more letters about this experience than probably any other. It’s incredibly common to have what seems like a truly great job interview only to never hear from the employer again – even in cases where you were promised that you would within a specific time frame.

I wrote about it today at New York Magazine, including why employers leave candidates hanging and what to do in the face of silence. You can read it here.

I can’t travel because my cat is sick — and my boss and coworkers are unhappy

A reader writes:

I joined my employer earlier this year as the only fully remote worker. At my first on-site, the only other coworkers in my department resigned. Instead of being the junior member of a small remote team as I expected, I was suddenly THE team. The CEO told me that day that he’d want me to travel to the home office once a month, and I was still so shocked I gave a non-committal answer like, “Well, if it’s for something important.” During the interviews, we had only discussed “some” travel.

I took possession of my childhood cat (age 16) at the beginning of June from my aging parents. He was healthy, but by mid-June, he showed symptoms that last week we found out is severe and chronic pancreatitis. His treatment plan includes once a week injections, 2-3 times a week fluids, twice daily pills and ointments, and a lot of hand feeding all day, every day. Almost all of these are a two-person job (bless my fiancé!). He has a chance of full recovery, but could also pass anytime.

The adjustment to remote work with my boss has been rough already, with limited communication from either side (my bad!). I ducked out of a July event for the first emergency appointment and an event tomorrow due to his new treatment plan (the org lost no money on plane tickets or hotel). I made one conference in August, but things went poorly while I was away. This time, my boss expressed displeasure and told me to find a way to attend “if at all possible” and to “heck, take the cat with you.” I don’t feel I can stick all of this care on my fiancé, even if either of us could do it independently.

I had a meeting today to finalize a large project. A coworker was early and started by saying he was disappointed that I wouldn’t be at the event tomorrow, that he didn’t see a pet as a valid excuse and didn’t believe me, he wasn’t a pet person, and in the army this would be called a “personal problem.” I was ruder than I should have been, but I was taken aback and said I could always ask the vet to send him a note and that if my boss felt the same way as him, the boss is free to talk to me about it.

My coworker said it in a semi-joking tone and seemed to get more serious when I expressed my regret about missing the event and explained the treatments — but he should not have known about the cat unless he’s been talking to my boss, he has no standing to reprimand me, and I felt disrespected and gossiped about. My boss came in and said that he was disappointed I wasn’t calling in on my way to the airport, then jumped in. I also made clear later in the call that I wouldn’t be committing to travel until this cat resolves his illness or passes.

How do I address this with my boss while giving my pet the best shot I can? Did I just take a joke too harshly? Is a pet’s illness a legitimate family issue to miss travel for? What do I do from here? They can’t see me working every day and want to bridge the gap through regular travel, and I can see why they thought I was on board. But I felt pressured into that existing agreement, I feel disrespected and distrusted, and I think my travel schedule is being gossiped about and potentially damaging my relationship with other coworkers. If it’s a performance conversation, I’m happy to have one — but with my boss, not my coworkers.

This is tricky. You signed up for a job that was supposed to involve “some” travel, and then the needs of the job changed soon after you started. You’re entitled to say, “Hey, this isn’t what we agreed to when I was hired and it’s not something I can do.”

At the same time, they’re allowed to decide that the needs of the job have changed and that they do need someone in your role who can travel more than what was originally discussed. That wouldn’t necessarily be fair, but it does happen sometimes. They’d also be on solid ground in pointing out that you did agree to “some” travel when you were hired, and they’re not being unreasonable in expecting you to adhere to that.

It’s also true that declining to do work travel in order to care for a pet isn’t seen the way that declining because of child care would be. If you were saying, “I’m the single parent of a toddler and can’t travel more than once or twice a year,” it would likely be going over differently. We can debate whether or not that should be the case, but it’s the reality in many offices.

To me, this hinges on what “some” travel meant when you agreed to that originally. It sounds like the monthly trips to the home office are a new expectation, but what about the events and conferences that you’ve been missing? If those were always understood to be part of the role, even before your coworkers quit, this gets a lot harder to resolve.

But also, what does it mean that you’re now THE team, with no other team members? Are they hiring to fill those roles so this is temporary? Or is the plan to keep you a department of one, and the only person responsible for all the travel that needs to be done?

The other complicating factor: When you’re the only remote worker on a team, it’s really important that you go out of your way to be visible, accessible, and available. You said you weren’t communicating enough in the beginning, and that’s probably making this harder. When you’re a known quantity who’s in frequent communication, people are often more willing to accommodate you when you need it (whereas when they don’t feel connected to you, the opposite can be true).

So, where does all this leave you? I think you need to have a straightforward conversation with your boss to clarify the travel expectations and what you can and can’t commit to, and figure out if the role can still work for both of you (and also ideally resolve the question of whether the situation will change when/if they replace the coworkers who left). You should do this soon, because your boss is telling you pretty forthrightly that he’s unhappy with how things stand now.

I don’t think you can take for granted they’ll accept “I can’t travel at all (or much) because of my cat” for a job that they told you from the start would involve some travel. Some managers might! But a lot of managers wouldn’t, especially for a new employee (as opposed to if you’d been working for them for years before your situation changed). I also don’t think you can expect people not to talk about it. Someone on the team being unable to travel for what people may not see as a “good enough” reason is something that’s likely to get discussed, and there’s no point in spending capital or energy being upset about that.

This situation sucks and it isn’t your fault. You’re trying to save your cat! But I think you’ve got to have an air-clearing conversation with your boss and figure out what will and won’t work.

I hope your cat is okay.

my boss won’t do anything about my lazy team mate, client said I can’t talk to my coworker, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss won’t do anything about my lazy coworker

I’ve worked for 14 years as an individual contributor on a team of six technologists. We split the day-to-day work evenly amongst ourselves, and are all used to having to take on a bit more if someone calls in sick or something along those lines … we all just push through and it gets done.

What is there to be done about a coworker who is clearly not doing their share due to obvious time mismanagement? One of my fellow techs, William, wanders in anywhere from 10-25 minutes late almost every morning (often with a drive-through coffee in his hand). He frequently takes much longer breaks than we are allowed, and I often observe him wasting time chatting with other colleagues and hiding in corners of the office playing on his cell phone. I have kept track, and this often amounts to a couple of hours per day.

Our supervisor, Thomas, has had many meetings with all six of us in which he clearly lays out his expectations regarding personal chit chat, timeliness, cell phone use, etc. But William doesn’t seem to care. He continues to blatantly disregard expectations, and when called out on it (usually by me, always in a calm, professional manner, referencing the expectations previously laid out by Thomas), his response is to give me the silent treatment, sometimes for days on end, only speaking to me in monosyllables when it’s absolutely necessary. When I bring this up to Thomas (the behaviors I’ve observed, and the subsequent freeze-outs), the only answer I get is something wishy washy along the lines of, “I’m keeping an eye on it.”

I genuinely like my work aside from this, and I care about doing a good job every day and being honest about how I spend my time, so it’s disheartening to see William continually allowed to put in far less effort than the rest of us, with no apparent consequences. What, if anything, can I do? I’d be so grateful for any insight you can provide, even if it’s just a reality check that this is sometimes just the way things are.

This is indeed sometimes just the way things are.

But the reason they’re this way is because your boss sucks. I suppose it’s possible that he’s managing William more actively behind the scenes and you just don’t know about it, but I doubt it given that the problems are continuing, and since Thomas apparently thinks the way to “manage” William is to have group meetings rather than correct William one-on-one. Thomas sounds like a wimp who doesn’t want to address issues with William directly so instead is choosing the weakest possible management approach.

William sucks, but Thomas sucks more.

Related:
my boss sends scolding emails to all of us — and then tells me I shouldn’t take them personally

2. My coworker shared a colleague’s personal info with me

I’m a woman in my 30s working in state government in an upper admin-type role. Our office is great in that we are a strong team and folks enjoy each other’s company, but there isn’t a “we’re family” vibe. We have quite a few men with a common first name, let’s say John.

My coworker Carol is relatively senior in terms of job title, but not my boss. We have a cordial relationship but are not “work friends.” Carol has previously made it clear to the office that it is very important to her that we know when her birthday is and celebrate it.

Last week, I was getting my lunch ready in the kitchen and Carol walked in. We exchange greetings and then she asks me, “So, did we do anything for John?” I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out which John she’s referring to. It can’t be the one who just lost a family member, because his team already organized a condolence card for him, so who could it be?

I must have looked confused, so she clarified, “You know, his dad and the accident. I just thought we should do something.” I told her that I didn’t know what she was talking about, and she said she saw us chatting yesterday, so she thought she’d ask. Now I know which John she’s talking about, but I still have no idea why she thinks I would know about this. John works in a different department, and while we do have a friendly work relationship, we mostly talk about our mutual hobbies and interests, not personal stuff.

I asked another coworker who is usually in the know about these things, and she also had no idea, so I decided to just ask John. I made it clear that this might be a weird question and awkwardly asked if everything was okay with his family. He looked taken aback but explained that yes, his dad was in a bad accident a month ago but is doing very well now. He was gracious about it and I apologized repeatedly and explained that Carol had said something, which he looked annoyed about. He said he’d specifically not told many folks at work because he needed work to be an escape from that stress.

I think that my working relationship with John is still okay, but I’m very annoyed with Carol. If someone shares that sort of thing with you in confidence, you shouldn’t go blabbing it to the rest of the office, let alone a different department! And asking me (admin) if we’ve “done anything” (undertone: “you should do something”) when she (not admin) could very well have organized something herself was annoying.

I don’t know if this is just a different understanding of what a workplace and workplace relationships are, but I don’t expect anyone but (maybe) my closest coworkers to celebrate my birthday or share condolences about a difficult family situation. Am I off-base here? Would appreciate any advice/criticism, either on how I handled the situation or how I could handle future interactions with Carol.

Nah, you’re not off-base. But most of this sounds like it could have simply been miscommunication; if John didn’t make it clear to Carol that he didn’t want the info shared, she may not have realized it. Possibly she should have! But that’s between her and John.

She was wrong to imply you should organize something when you’re not on John’s team, and I’d make a mental note not to share anything with Carol that you don’t want repeated, but otherwise I wouldn’t worry much about any of this.

About your broader question about the way she sees relationships at work versus the way you do: as long as she’s not pressuring other people to do things they don’t want to do (like pushing people to celebrate their own birthdays at work if they don’t want to), I’d mark this all down to people just falling in different places on the spectrum of how they like to connect with colleagues.

3. Getting a degree from a nationally accredited school

I am a 34-year-old single mom who has spent years and over $80k trying to obtain a degree. Unfortunately, I’ve made every possible mistake — transferred schools four times, changed my major multiple times, and dropped out due to financial and life challenges.

Earning a degree is still a bucket list item for me, but with $80k in debt and no degree, the financial burden feels overwhelming. I recently came across an affordable, nonprofit online school called University of the People, where classes cost just $100 each. I could complete a business administration degree, which is exactly what I need for career advancement, and I can definitely afford it.

However, it looks like this school is nationally accredited, rather than regionally accredited. How much are employers going to care that the degree is nationally accredited?

First, for readers who don’t know, regional accreditors generally have much more rigorous standards than national accreditors, and a lot of crappy for-profit schools are nationally accredited because they can’t get regionally accredited.

To your question: It’s less that employers will look up whether a school is regionally or nationally accredited and more that the school itself doesn’t have a strong reputation. (Although it’s at least nonprofit, which is a plus!)

If you just need the degree for box-checking purposes (like if your company won’t promote you beyond a certain level without a degree), it will probably be fine. If you’re hoping it will carry the same weight as a degree from a more traditional school (in terms of academic rigor and general reputation), it won’t. So it really depends on what your reason are for pursuing the degree.

Related:
do employers really care where you went to school?

4. Client said I can’t talk to my coworker

I am a project manager who implements healthcare software with clients around the country.

One client has contracted an internal employee of my company (a coworker of mine) to assist them since two client staff members quit during the first week of the software launching. (I am not surprised given that the client is rude, demanding, and has staff that are not kind to each other.) I met with my coworker one-on-one to see how it was going. I myself have had a rough patch with this client and wanted to make sure that they were not being aggressive and outlandish in their requests.

Well, the client found out I met with my coworker without them there, and they are now saying I cannot meet with her to discuss anything with her without them. I stated that I wanted the coworker to have an opportunity to speak openly about how it was going for her. The client then replied back that if the coworker had questions/concerns, she should bring it up to them.

Was I out of line for checking with the coworker on her experience so far? I wanted to just gather how it was going for her from a project perspective.

It’s completely normal for people within an organization to meet to talk about how work is going, and clients can’t dictate that that not happen (unless it’s confidential work where each person involved in the project needs to be specially cleared, but that doesn’t sound like the case here). The inner workings of your company are none of their business. Are they also going to say her manager can’t check in with her about her work on their project?

Practically speaking, you and your coworker should just not mention future conversations to the client, but this is weird.

5. My employer wants me to pay for a separate phone so they can reach me at night

My employer has recently begun demanding I keep my cell on 24/7 in case they need me to cover reception in an emergency. We do not have emergency matters, just the receptionist might call in sick.

I have declined to keep my phone on so it doesn’t ping me at all hours, which happens because of auto reminders from doctors and texts from family and friends three time zones ahead. I said I would hold a phone from my employer.

My employer is insisting on taking my WFH stipend, or my money, to cover the cost for an excessive phone and plan of their choosing. This is apparently all illegal in my state (California). How do I respond without getting fired and without having to use my funds to pay their bills?

California does indeed have a law that employers must reimburse all business expenses and can’t ask employees to shoulder them. So you could simply say, “We could get in trouble under California law for that, since the state requires employers to cover business expenses, including phones.”

The WFH stipend might complicate this, depending on exactly how that’s structured; it’s possible this could legally fall under the expenses that the stipend should cover (although based on your letter, I’m skeptical that it would; you could check with a lawyer in your state if you want to be sure).

The other option, if you don’t feel like dealing with this, is just to set the number they’d be calling from to emergency bypass so it rings through even if you have Do Not Disturb on. You shouldn’t have to do that (and it will only work if you program in all the possible numbers they might call from), but it’s an option.

Related:
what to do when your employer is breaking the law

my “empath” coworker is kind of a jerk

A reader writes:

For about half a year now, I’ve had a colleague (let’s call him Dave) who has a few strange quirks. He tends to look for my reaction at a lot of things other people say, and then comment on the way I react. For example: another coworker or my boss makes a joke and I laugh (while others are laughing too) and Dave looks at me, points and says, “Oh, you sure are laughing” or ‘“Look how hard Jane is laughing.” Honestly it makes me very self-conscious about smiling/laughing in the office, even though before that I was really happy/felt lucky that we had such a jovial, fun environment to work in.

He also has some other quirks such as never washing his dishes (to the point we have to put his coffee in a paper cup instead of a glass one, because he will leave dishes to literally rot on his desk) and making mean-spirited jokes about my boss, who is currently going through cancer treatment. (Not that it would be fine if he wasn’t going through cancer treatment, but it just feels like he’s kicking him when he’s down.)

On top of this, Dave recently “came out” as an empath. He explained that it meant that he feels emotions much more deeply than other people do and thus gets overwhelmed easily. He is absent very often due to things such as not having slept well or having a cold, things other people still come in for.

Is there anything I could possibly do to make him stop making these comments without making the office an uncomfortable place to be in? Should I tell my boss or grandboss about these things I’ve noticed? Or should I just let it be? He’s very chatty, so I’ve had to have headphones in almost constantly during work, which in turn makes it harder to quickly communicate with coworkers.

There is also a chance I am just overreacting or don’t understand it. Full disclosure, I am autistic, so I don’t really understand a lot of social norms. Anyhow, thank you.

Ugh, Dave. I think you’re understanding him just fine. He sounds like a garden-variety jerk whose image of himself (as an empath!) doesn’t fit his actual behavior.

I wonder if you can use his “empath” self-image to get him to stop commenting on your reactions to things. For example: “I know you’ve mentioned you’re empathetic and care a lot about people’s feelings, so can I ask you to stop commenting on my laughing or other reactions I have? It makes me self-conscious, which I know you don’t want to do.”

And when he makes a mean-spirited joke about your boss, feel free to let your response illustrate how it’s landing:
* “Ouch, that was mean.”
* “Whoa, that’s not deserved.”
* “Yikes.”

For what it’s worth, “empath” is generally used to mean someone who has a higher degree of sensitivity to the emotions of others. It doesn’t mean “colds and lack of sleep are harder on me than they are on other people.” It also doesn’t mean “I feel my own emotions much more deeply than other people do.” If anything, it sounds like Dave might be the opposite of an empath.

can I ask coworkers why they didn’t hire my daughter?

A reader writes:

My daughter applied for a job at the firm where I’m currently employed, in a department supervised by three very good friends of mine. I’ve known them all for over 20 years. I consider them great coworkers and friends. My neighbor also applied for the job. My neighbor has been out of work for over 11 years and lived off his parents. My daughter has a master’s degree, great connections, and is currently working. Neither of them have any experience in the field. My daughter has worked with several friends of mine and all told me she was the best employee they ever had.

They interviewed my neighbor, who said the interview was general and easy, and they hired him within a week. They interviewed my daughter, who said the interview was pointed and in one instance, one of my friends who interviewed her laughed at her when she said she could help him with a particular job he wanted accomplished, and she has not had a call back.

Needless to say, I am angry. I have never involved myself in her employment at this organization or anywhere else. However, I’m baffled. I see these people every day as we are in the same office, although we do not work in the same division. Is it unprofessional to ask them why they did not hire my hard-working daughter but hired a person who hasn’t worked in years and lives off his elderly mother?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

my coworker is dating a convicted pedophile

A reader writes:

I’m in a weird situation with a few coworkers, and don’t know what to do.

My desk mate, Beth, is roommates with a coworker, Sally. Sally works in our department, but her office is in a different part of the building.

Sally recently started dating someone and confided in Beth that boyfriend, Jerry, is a convicted pedophile.

Sally’s mom, Kathy, also works in our department, in the same office as Beth and I are in.

We are sure that Kathy does not know this information, as she is friendly with Jerry and has a young tween daughter, Lucy, who is allowed to spend time at the apartment with Sally and Jerry.

Morally, I feel obligated to tell Kathy about Jerry’s conviction, but I don’t want the fallout to affect the workplace. I considered texting a screenshot of his public record to Kathy from a fake phone number. Beth doesn’t want me to — she is concerned that Sally will think she’s behind it because she hasn’t told anyone else, which will cause a blow-up for her, both at work and at home.

What would you suggest to protect the child, while also avoiding as much workplace drama as possible?

Since Sally shared Jerry’s history with Beth, why hasn’t Beth said to her, “Hey, I really think you need to tell your mom since he’s around your sister”?

And if that doesn’t change anything: “I’m not comfortable keeping this from your mom when she has a kid at home. I’d prefer you share it with her yourself, but otherwise I need to tell her.” (Or she could skip the warning and just tell Kathy what she needs to know.)

If Beth isn’t willing to do that, you could use a similar framing with Beth yourself: “I understand you’re worried about Sally being upset and blaming you, but we’re talking about a kid’s safety. I’m not comfortable keeping this from Kathy, knowing she’s allowing him around Lucy.”

And then tell Kathy what you know, and let her know she can confirm it in public records herself.

If Sally chooses to respond to that with drama … well, so be it. That worry can’t trump the risk of a kid getting abused.

coworker scrolls on her phone in meetings, employee freezes out women who reject him, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I tell my coworker to stop scrolling on her phone in meetings?

I’m writing to ask how to handle a coworker who is constantly texting in meetings — virtual, in-person, the works. She doesn’t try to hide her phone and is often scrolling in plain view while other teammates are talking, and it’s incredibly frustrating and disrespectful. She is a mom, and I’ve worked with plenty of parents who want to be on call for their kids or with daycare and are on their phones more than I am, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s most meetings and she just appears to be clicking around on whatever sites suit her fancy. There must be a line, right?

I want to give her some feedback collegially, even a “hey, we all text in meetings sometimes but you may want to make it more subtle!” tone, but I also want to convey that it’s pretty rude to openly tune out of meetings and into her phone at will. Our “supervisor” is the de facto head of our small nonprofit and does very little team management, and doesn’t have the best relationship with this coworker, so I don’t totally trust her to deliver the feedback and we don’t have an HR department at the moment so if it’s going to come from someone, it’s likely me. Any thoughts?

If you want to give you feedback primarily because you find it rude, I wouldn’t. It’s not your place as a peer, and your manager apparently doesn’t feel strongly enough about it to say anything herself. If you wanted to frame it more as “just a heads-up, Jane won’t say anything until she’s really fed up but you’re likely to hear at some point that you’re on your phone too much in meetings,” I’d advise you differently … but that doesn’t sound like the situation.

That said, if you’re ever the one running the meeting, you would have the standing to call it out in that particular meeting — as in, “Jane, do you need a minute to handle that? I want to make sure we’re all engaged in this topic.”

Otherwise, though, you’ve got to let it go. You’re right that it’s rude if this is a small meeting. It’s just not yours to handle.

2. Coworker ices out women who reject him romantically

We have a male coworker, Kevin, who has asked out almost every woman (myself included) in our workplace. When he is rejected, he ices them out and refuses to acknowledge their existence at work. This is makes all the women uncomfortable, and is overall just very immature and unprofessional of him.

I reported Kevin to HR and got several other women to come forward as well. HR gave him a reminder of workplace expectations, but won’t do anything more because by ignoring us, he is technically not harassing us anymore. I want him gone so that this doesn’t happen to anyone else. I have already seen him sitting and talking with the new female hires. Is there anything I can do to protect my unsuspecting female coworkers?

Your HR sucks. Kevin is “technically not harassing” you anymore? Harassment isn’t just unwelcome advances; it’s also penalizing people for rejecting those advances. Kevin is in the penalizing phase now, and it’s ridiculous that your HR refuses to acknowledge that. If he’s refusing to interact with you in normal, professional ways — and especially if it’s interfering with your ability to do your job — that falls under the harassment umbrella. Maybe a group of you could have a lawyer point that out to your company.

As for what you can say to new, unsuspecting colleagues, you can tell them up-front what to expect. For example: “Just a heads-up, Kevin is friendly to every female new hire, then asks them out. If he’s rejected, he ices them out and refuses to acknowledge their existence after that. Several of us have gone to HR about it, with no change. It’s been very uncomfortable for some of us and we wish someone had warned us.” This is how women have navigated workplaces that refuse to handle creepy men for eons, and unfortunately your workplace doesn’t sound like it will be an exception.

3. Coworker’s constant sniffling is driving me mad

This is a fairly low-stakes question, but I have a migraine today and my capacity for dealing with it is extra low.

My coworker never stops sniffling. It’s constant, like every few seconds. She’s been here a little over a year, and it’s never stopped. I’ve offered her tissues, but she said she doesn’t need them. She claims it’s because it’s so cold in the office, but even now, when it’s not cold and she’s in short sleeves with an unused blanket sitting on the back of her chair, she’s sniffling every couple of seconds.

I usually put in headphones and listen to music, but there are times, like today, when it’s otherwise quiet in the office and I’d just prefer not to listen to music. I also have to answer phones, so I have to keep the music low.

I’m not sure if my annoyance with this is exacerbated by how frustrating she is in other ways, but I genuinely think this would be driving me crazy anyway.

Am I allowed to ask her to figure out a cure for her non-stop sniffling? Is that even possible? Once in the past I literally chose to take half a day off because I couldn’t deal with it, and I’m close to reaching that breaking point again today.

It’s very unlikely that she’s sniffling for the hell of it. Assume if there was an easy cure she would have already found it, and this is just a health condition (like chronic allergies) that she’s stuck dealing with.

That doesn’t really solve it for you, I realize, but it’s likely as unsolvable for her as it for you. And  sometimes reframing it in your head to assume that — instead of internally screaming “WHY DON’T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT?” — can make it more bearable.

4. Wording when communicating expectations to an employee

Someone recently said to me that when you are communicating expectations to an employee, you should phrase it as, “Company Name needs you to…” or “Company Name expects you to…” rather than “I need you to…” or “I expect you to…” because it “softens the message.” What do you think?

That’s an extremely weird formulation and would be out of sync with the culture in most American workplaces. I also can’t see how it softens the message! It does the opposite; it makes the message sound much stiffer and more formal.

For that matter, I wouldn’t use “I expect you to” in most situations either. “We need you to,” “I need you to,” “Could you,” “Would you,” and “I’d like you to” are more typical.

5. How do I explain why I’m looking for a new job when I love my current one?

How do I explain why I’m looking for a new job when I love the one I have?

I work on a great team for a troubled company. I’ve been here nine years, but in the last few years we’ve had multiple layoffs and haven’t had raises and I don’t see that changing next year.

I’ve stayed this long because the job itself is good, the frozen salary is still okay for now, and my colleagues are great. But the financial writing is on the wall, and I’m thinking of trying to get ahead of trouble by finding a new job now.

None of the plausible lies are really applicable to me — I’m not seeking advancement, a different type of role, a different size team, a new industry, or anything like that. I just want to do what I do for a company that’s not going to crash and burn or lay me off in a year.

Should I just politely fib and cite some defining characteristic of the company I’m interviewing with as something I’m looking forward to? I’m a terrible liar.

It’s fine to say, “I love what I do, but the company has had some financial struggles and I’m looking for something more stable.” Then immediately follow that up with what interested you about the job you’re applying for (so it’s not just “I ned to get out” but also includes an expression of interest in the new job specifically).

weekend open thread – September 14-15, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Colored Television, by Danzy Senna. An author struggling to finish her book gets sidetracked by Hollywood. It’s a satirical take on race, marriage, career, writing, friendship, and betrayal.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.