Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My mentee was fired for using a vulgar term

I work in a regulated industry and there are specific education and license requirements to work here. My company has a mentorship program for those who are new to the industry. I am one of those with the highest non-management title at my company, and my manager encouraged me sign up for the program. I was assigned an entry-level employee from my company, “Wendy.”

I thought things were going well. Wendy was bright and on the ball. But Wendy was let go from her job and I’m wondering if I should have done more to advocate for her. I think this was a misunderstanding. Wendy had (to me) expressed her admiration for one of the managers at our company. This manager, “Caitlin,” is several levels above my own manager and is well-known in our industry. The misunderstanding happened over something Wendy said that was meant to be a compliment, but Caitlin felt it was an insult. Wendy said Caitlin was “serving C-word” (not abbreviated when she said it). She meant this as a compliment. (I’m almost 50, and I am not on social media so I have never heard this saying but apparently it is supposed to be complimentary).

Caitlin didn’t see it that way. She thought Wendy was insulting her. Caitlin felt Wendy was calling her a name to other people, clients, and online when she found out Wendy had been saying it. (Wendy never used the phrase in front of me.) I understand both sides. I completely understand why Caitlin thought it was an insult. I also see Wendy’s point of view and have never known her to be malicious. In fact, Wendy has always shown the opposite. My question isn’t about who was right, but whether I should have done more to advocate for Wendy. I feel guilty for not pushing back to my manager when Wendy was let go over this. I feel like I could have spoken up about this being a misunderstanding and how Wendy was bright, did good work, and was nice to everyone around her — basically how out of character it would be for Wendy to insult anyone, especially someone she admired. No one blames me for what happened and I was asked to participate in the mentorship program again. But I am afraid I did a disservice by not pushing back on Wendy being let go, and I’m afraid of making the same mistake again. What do you think? I would appreciate hearing what you think.

First, for people who don’t know the expression, it basically means “unapologetically feminine and powerfully badass.” It is intended to be complimentary — and it very much would not sound that way to anyone who didn’t know the meaning.

Anyway, this isn’t on you. You really weren’t in a position to intervene; mentors don’t typically have that power (unless they have significant influence and authority in general, but that would be something that existed independently of their mentor role). Yes, you could have explained where Wendy was coming from, but I imagine Wendy did that herself anyway. The issue is that she displayed pretty terrible judgment! It would be one thing for her to have said that about Caitlin once, but saying it repeatedly was just tremendously bad judgment in a work context, where lots of people won’t know the meaning of a very vulgar and insulting-sounding slang phrase. Her intentions matter, but the outcome matters too, and the outcome in this case was that she was going around using a wildly vulgar phrase about a well-known woman in your industry without contemplating that it might be misunderstood or otherwise become an issue. I wouldn’t have fired her for it (to me it’s a coaching moment, not a firing one) but I’m also not surprised that someone did.

There was no real room for you to do anything differently. If you’d heard Wendy use the phrase, you could have corrected her, but you didn’t. Your job as a mentor is to support your mentee’s growth, give advice, and be a sounding board, but the role isn’t that of a manager or a mediator. You were well-positioned to be a sort of character witness, yes, but I’m not sure it would have mattered in this case. This was Wendy’s mistake, not yours.

2. Interview question: which position in a band would you choose?

I was driving around listening to Crosby, Stills, Nash, and sometimes Young and started pondering a theoretical Interview question: if given a choice, which member would you choose to be? I realize far too few people know that band so I started pondering a different question: assuming you would play any position, which position in a band would you choose (lead singer, lead guitar, bass, or drums)? The idea is that question could potentially give somebody an idea of just how confident in themselves a person is. A person who picks drums is someone who can keep a project moving and is reliable but is not necessarily out front leading, for example.

I am not in any danger of conducting interviews any time soon, but since I spend quite a lot of my working day on the road, I think of things like this. I’m curious what you think!

Well … it could be something to ponder outside of a work setting, but I would recommend against it as an interview question! Too many people don’t know enough about music to know how to even begin thinking about which position they’d choose. And even if they do have a well-informed answer, it won’t tell you the kinds of things you need to learn to make a good hire. You don’t want to ask candidates questions just for the sake of asking questions, or because a question seems fun — you want to get really clear on what’s needed to excel in that position and then ask questions specifically designed to get at those things. Unless you are putting together a new prefab boy band, this question won’t do that.

A boring answer to a fun question, sorry.

3. I think my manager wants me to be a different person

I am a middle school teacher. I recently started at a new school with a very corporate culture.

I received an employee evaluation from my principal. Evaluations from principals are pretty normal, but this was a very lengthy evaluation with a lot of corporate jargon, which I’m not used to. Reading the evaluation made me feel like the principal dislikes me personally and wants me to change my personality. One of the things it said was that I “did not contribute to a collegial environment.” This might just mean that she doesn’t think I speak up enough at meetings, since she mentioned that when we met to discuss the evaluation, but the language makes it sound like people find me actively unpleasant. I don’t know what I could have done to make people feel this way.

I asked a friend who works in the corporate world what she thought, and she said not to ask for clarification and not to disagree — she said all they want to hear in response to these evaluations is “yes, I’ll do that.”

It’s true that I’m not very talkative or bubbly, but I don’t think I’m unpleasant. I resent being expected to pretend to be someone I’m not. This has me feeling like they don’t really want me here and I should leave this school and possibly education altogether. Am I misreading this?

Whoa, wait — that’s a big leap that isn’t warranted by what’s happened.

Your friend’s advice was bad and you should disregard it. No good manager just wants to hear “yes, I’ll do that” in response to feedback if you don’t understand what it means. They want you to implement the feedback, yes — but you can’t do that if you don’t understand it, and in that case you need to ask questions so that you do. Ideally you’d go back to your principal, say you’re taking the feedback seriously, and ask for more information so you can make sure you’re both on the same page. Ask for more specifics about what she’s asking you to do differently. You can’t evaluate the feedback without that.

After learning more, if you still think you’re being asked to change your entire personality, you can think about whether it’s a role you want to stay in. But there’s no way to assess this without getting more information — and jumping to possibly leaving the entire field over one person’s unclear feedback would be recklessly premature.

4. Interviewer wants me to tell them my current salary

During an initial job interview, the interviewer disclosed that they were originally looking for someone more junior than my experience, but they were reconsidering the experience needed to be successful in the role and believed that it may needed to be a more senior position. Fast forward multiple interviews — I’ve asked for the salary range they would pay for the role, and the HR manager says they don’t know and that the team has not discussed it. They would like me to disclose my salary.

I am hesitant to share because my cash requirements would differ based on the equity package and its structure, and I don’t think this can be adequately explained with a simple number.

I likely have one more interview before we get to an offer. In this scenario, is there any advantage to me being a first mover and disclosing my salary range with the caveat that it’s flexible based on equity package?

There’s no reason you need to disclose your salary. Instead, you should tell them the range you’re looking for — the range that would make you seriously consider leaving your current job for this one, along with whatever caveats you have about the structure of the equity package. That’s the part that’s relevant to them, not what you’re making now.

5. I was fired for something my boss said was OK to do

I asked my boss if it was okay to drive a company vehicle home. He said it was okay. His boss told him to write me up and fire me, so he did. Is this legal? Also, should my boss had been fired as well for telling me that I was allowed to? What can I do? Is suing the company a possibility? If I do sue, would I win, or would I just be losing more money and wasting time?

It’s not illegal to fire you for an unfair reason (and this definitely sounds unfair). Most employees in the U.S. are at-will, meaning that you can be fired for any reason at all, as long as it’s not based on illegal discrimination (i.e., firing you because of your race, gender, religion, disability, or other protected class) or retaliation for engaging in legally protected conduct (like firing you for making a good faith complaint of sexual harassment or discrimination). There are two exceptions to this: (1) if you have a contract, which most U.S. workers don’t, or (2) if your company has an employee manual that commits to always using specific disciplinary procedures before firing someone; if it does, they’re usually obligated to follow those procedures first. But aside from that, it’s generally legal to fire someone for any reason, even if the reason is unfair or illogical.

People often hear the term “wrongful termination” and assume it means that there’s legal recourse if you were fired for a wrong or unfair reason, but it really just means that you were fired for one of the illegal reasons above.

However, you can file for unemployment, and if you explain you were fired for doing something your manager specifically gave you permission to do, your chances of getting benefits are good. I’m sorry this happened.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I found weird “detox” propaganda in the office kitchen

I work at a small nonprofit of under 30 employees and we share one small kitchen. Articles relevant to our field or other interesting items are often left in the center of the table for us to read. I walked into the kitchen the other day and found a seven-page printout about “superhuman brain shakes.” I looked into the group that published it and the doctor behind it, and what I found did not sit well with me.

The guy talks about “detoxification” and peddles supplements, all while vilifying prescription drugs and doctors. As someone who takes a prescription drug every day for my mental health, I don’t feel comfortable with something like this in the work kitchen. Would whoever put this information in the kitchen be appalled or look down on me because I take a prescription drug (which is needed in part due to the job, but that’s another story for another day)?

On top of this gross pamphlet, we generally have a problem with people vilifying sugar, fatty foods, carbs, etc. I know these topics are pretty common but these beliefs are starting to feel endemic.

Obviously this isn’t formal-HR-complaint level, but is it out of line for me to say something to the person who serves an HR function in our office? Or do I just conveniently hide this somewhere in the kitchen when no one is looking? I would love to just toss it right in the bin, but I know that’s not the way.

Tossing it in the trash is the way. Someone left something gross in the kitchen, and putting it in the trash is appropriate.

It sounds like the bigger issue in your office is the culture of moralizing about food, but that’s much, much harder to address. (You can still try, though! Advice on how is here.) But this one pamphlet? Trash it and be done with it.

If you start finding more materials left for general reading that push a particular agenda, at that point it would be reasonable to suggest to your HR person that they put a stop to that, since common areas shouldn’t be used that way (and if they don’t stop it at diet moralizing, it’s very quickly going to spread to other topics as well).

2. I made a huge political mistake at work

I’ve done something worthy of a Corporate Idiot of the Year award, and I’m mortified about my spectacular misstep with my new boss.

I’m a team lead (no HR responsibility) who was recently told I’d be focusing on one shiny new initiative while giving up a current team. The colleague inheriting my team already juggles two teams and, to put it diplomatically, isn’t a strong team lead. Instead of gracefully accepting fate, I launched a one-woman crusade for “better alternatives” – suggesting other names, directly approaching my colleague (who was predictably uninterested), and escalating to both my boss and his boss.

When communication about these changes moved at glacial pace, I prodded about timelines in a group chat, accidentally triggering a premature announcement from a Scrum Master rather than leadership. Brilliant move!

This morning, my boss (who has only recently joined the company) pulled me aside and essentially lectured me about inappropriate meddling and how influence works in large organizations. He’s right, of course, and I sat there wondering if my keyboard shortcuts included “undo career damage.”

I’ve scheduled a meeting with him to address my corporate mutiny, but I’m so ashamed and genuinely concerned about lasting damage. Is this relationship salvageable, or should I start looking for a new job? What specific steps would you recommend to repair trust while still eventually establishing myself as someone with valuable input?

I’m going to take your word for it that this was really as bad as you say, but I think it’s worth considering that your boss sees this less as Devastating Mistake That Should Haunt You Forever and more as just a misstep that required some coaching.

But if it’s really as bad as you think, then it’s worth reflecting on how you got there: do you have a pattern of overstepping your role or was this a one-off? If it’s a pattern, what is it stemming from and how can you manage those impulses differently in the future? Did any of this stem from legitimate frustrations with how your organization or team runs and, if so, are there conclusions you should draw from that (which could be anything from “if I’m going to stay here, I need to accept X” to “X is so messed up that it’s ruining my professional norms and I need to get out”)? Do you need better mentors to bounce things off and, if so, is that something you can put energy into cultivating? Have you had bad role models for how to handle this kind of situation and that played out here? There are a zillion interesting questions that could stem from this, all of which have the potential to turn this into something pretty useful for you!

Assuming you do that, I see no reason why this wouldn’t be salvageable. Tell your boss you heard him loud and clear, you see where you misjudged, and you appreciate him pointing it out to you so candidly. When someone messes up, those are the things a halfway decent manager is listening to hear, and hearing them without prodding can be extremely reassuring.

These may help too:

how to rebuild your credibility after messing up at work

how should you decide which battles to pick at work?

3. My coworker got an expensive baby gift and I got nothing

I am part of a work group with two offices in different cities. Our group is around 10 people and we have the same boss who works in my office. We do some work with the other group and hold monthly Zooms together, but around 75% of the work my office does is independent of the other office. I am well-respected in my organization and love my job and like my team a lot.

I had a baby about 10 months ago, and a colleague at the same level as me in the other office just returned from maternity leave. I found out during our latest monthly Zoom that before her leave, her team had collected money and given her a several hundred dollar gift. I don’t know for sure, but because of the cost, I suspect that people she manages gave money toward the gift. Knowing the team, I doubt they felt pressure to donate, but as I learned from you, it’s still not appropriate and gifts should not go up!

I did not get a gift when my baby was born and I can’t help but feel a little hurt by finding out about my colleague’s gift. Small gifts aren’t completely unprecedented in my office so I figured at most, I might get a branded onesie, but didn’t really care when I didn’t. I would not have wanted my team, especially my reports, to give their own money for a gift for me. But considering the price of her gift and my experience buying *a lot* of expensive shit for my baby over the past year (why do so many things I can only use for a couple of months cost an arm and a leg!?), plus finding out about the gift during a call with our entire team, it just kinda stings.

I’ve been considering raising my feelings with one of my trusted superiors/mentors, but I can’t figure out what I’d say without sounding greedy and hurt and I don’t even know what, if anything, I’d want them to do about it. I know with certainty that my bosses wouldn’t have deliberately decided to give one person a gift and exclude me. Honestly, they may not even know/remember that I got nothing since it’s been almost a year at this point! So I figure maybe it’s worth a reminder about being fair with gift-giving within our team?

What do you think? Do I leave this alone and just get over it? Or is it worth bringing up and if so, what the heck do I say?

The difference is almost certainly just because you’re in two completely separate offices. Different offices have different customs and norms; one might have bagels in the kitchen every Tuesday and a cherished costume contest every Halloween, while another has no weekly bagels but provides ice cream sandwiches every Friday in the summer and a “talking shrimp” at every meeting. Gift practices differ from office to office too, and that’s almost certainly all you’re seeing. The best thing to do is to chalk it up to that and leave it alone.

4. How do I brag about myself to my boss?

I am in upper management at a smallish (~80 employees) company. I recently was featured in a vendor’s quarterly publication about successful folks in our industry. My bosses know I was asked, but now that I have the completed article back, I’m freezing on what to say when I share it with them! But I do want them to see it because, well, I want to be valued, and it would be silly not to!

What’s my script? And can I ask that it not be shared company-wide? I cringe at the thought of staff reading it, even though I make several references to our staff and their feedback being a source of success. I can’t help but compare it to “manager wins the prize raffle at the holiday party” snafus (even though this publication came with no monetary reward).

I just don’t want anyone to think I’m shouting “look at how great I am!” (Except maybe my bosses who sign my paychecks.)

Forward it to your managers with a note saying something like, “Wanted to share this with you!” You’re allowed to be excited about it, they’ll likely to be happy to see it too (it reflects well on them as well as on you!), and it won’t look self-absorbed to simply send it along in a matter-of-fact way.

But I would not ask that it not be shared company-wide unless you can point to some specific reason for that (like there’s currently tension over something you talked about in the interview or it reveals some specific detail about your private life that you’d prefer not to be circulated). This isn’t anything like managers claiming the best prizes in company raffles! You didn’t elbow other employees out of the way in order to get coverage for yourself (I assume). It wouldn’t be cringey for your company to share the article internally, and it’s normal for companies to share employees’ successes. That said, if you’re really uncomfortable with the idea of it, you could say, “I feel awkward about sharing this more broadly but wanted you two to see it.”

5. When should I tell prospective employers I’ve been laid off?

Until two weeks ago, I worked for a federal contractor. All of the contracts I worked on were DOGEd at the beginning of February, and I was laid off, along with hundreds of other employees, about a month later. Between the contracts being terminated and my being laid off, I applied for a number of positions with my former position listed as current since it was current at the time. When should I tell prospective employers that I have been laid off? I am assuming it is unnecessary to send an email if I haven’t heard anything from the employer, but should I tell them during the interview? I don’t want to be misleading.

You don’t need to proactively announce it, but you shouldn’t talk about the job in the present tense in interviews or otherwise imply you’re still there. If it comes up, you’ll just matter-of-factly explain what happened. You don’t need to go out of your way to hide it or to make sure they’re aware of it.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My boss embarrassed me at a department meeting

My company is being bought out for a larger organization. Our jobs will no longer exist in four months. We’ve been encouraged to review the job postings and apply to jobs for which we might qualify. I reviewed the postings and selected two to apply for — one that would be very easy for me to move to as it’s tasks I already complete daily. The other was a stretch position, something that I’ve done but haven’t dabbled much in while at my current organization. I got an interview for the stretch job and, while I didn’t hold out hope, I gave it my best shot.

Thank goodness I didn’t hold out hope. My current boss was notified by the new org that I applied and interviewed. I was promptly told that I wasn’t a good fit (by my current org, mind you), and I haven’t heard from the new org. Then, in our departmental meeting with my entire department, my current boss told everyone they need to tell him what they’re applying for so he can tell them if they’re a “good fit” because “we don’t want a llama groomer thinking she can be a llama whisperer when she’s never been involved in llama whispering here!” And looked directly at me. (Job titles made up for anonymity, obviously.)

I’m embarrassed. He could’ve just said, at that point, that I shouldn’t have applied for the job, but it’s a good next step in my career and something I’ve wanted to do for a while. I’m not sure how to even act around him now, because I know that was directed, embarrassingly, at me, and now all my coworkers do too and some have even come up to me to tell me how inappropriate it was.

I know I need to leave the org because I can’t move up here and they have no interest in developing my career path, but I’m not sure how to act until I do leave.

Your boss is an utter ass. First of all, it obviously wasn’t far-fetched for you to apply to that job because they interviewed you for it — which means that they reviewed your materials and thought you could be a plausible candidate. Second, and more importantly, there was zero cause for him to embarrass you that way at a department meeting. If he felt he needed to give you feedback (which is possible, given that the new org isn’t entirely separate from your org but is buying it out), he should have done it in private, and he should have offered something more constructive than to just essentially accuse you of hubris (which, again, wasn’t even grounded in reality, since the other org thought you worth interviewing).

Your boss is a jackwagon, he revealed himself as a jackwagon to others at that meeting (although that probably wasn’t a new discovery for them, and I bet it’s not a new discovery for you either), and ideally you’d try to reframe your thinking to see it as much more embarrassing to him than to you. What he did is evidence of his lack of character/leadership/judgment, nothing else.

2. How to refer to a basketball sex scandal at work

I was discussing the upcoming March Madness tournament with some coworkers, and the conversation turned to St. John’s coach Rick Pitino, and his previous stint at Louisville where he was stripped of a national championship due to supplying recruits with prostitutes to induce them to attend the school. My coworker was unaware Pitino’s team had been stripped of a title, only that he had won one (and that he had had similar success at other schools). I was unsure of how to reference the scandal in a way that was appropriate for work, but I eventually settled on saying that he offered the recruits “certain impermissible benefits” (which is more or less the official wording of the charges from the NCAA) and noted that even in today’s era, where you’re allowed to offer basically unfettered NIL (Name, Image, & Likeness) benefits to induce players to attend your school (which wasn’t the case at the time of the scandal), “that particular benefit that he offered is still not permitted, and I’ll just leave it at that.” Was this an appropriate way to reference what happened?

It’s unnecessarily coy. It’s okay to just come out and say, “He supplied recruits with sex workers to try to induce them to attend the school.” That’s what happened, you’re alluding to it anyway, and it’s better to just say it rather than to dance around it with something mysterious sounding. Otherwise, it’s would probably be better to just say “unethical recruiting practices” rather than “certain impermissible benefits”; the latter just sounds very cryptic.

3. How should I handle a company’s pre-hire drug and alcohol testing?

I am in the late stages of the interview process for an entry-level admin job at a manufacturing company. This company requires a pre-employment drug and alcohol test across the board for all new hires. Is there an appropriate way to inquire about this test? I would like to know the philosophy behind the request, particularly for an entry-level admin position, which is largely answering phones with some data entry. It is unclear to me how my nightly glass of wine would be any of their business.

In addition, I have a prescription for a drug that is also recreationally legal in my state. I would like to inquire without giving too much information, but also not raise undue suspicion (I’m happy to say what my medical condition is in general, but overall it sounds like self declaring this stuff when you don’t otherwise need accommodations is a no-no). Or maybe I should just take the test and see what they say? Honestly, at this point I am wondering if this is a sign of a cultural mismatch.

Unlike drug testing — which can pick up drug use days or, for some drugs, even weeks later — alcohol testing is testing for current impairment. So they’re not looking to see if you have a nightly glass of wine; they’re trying to catch people who are showing up to a daytime work appointment with alcohol in their system. It’s probably more relevant for their manufacturing jobs (for safety reasons), but they’ve made it part of their standard new hire testing.

Marijuana testing is more complicated; those tests pick up longer-ago use (potentially weeks-old use if you’re a regular consumer). Some states that have legalized marijuana, but not all of them, have prohibited employers from taking action against employees who use it outside of work. Those laws vary in details; some bar employers from testing for it at all, while others permit the test but say employers can’t deny you a job based on a positive result. Some cover only medical use, while some cover recreational use as well; all make exceptions for safety-sensitive positions. This also gets more complicated for federal contractors, who are required to comply with drug-free workplace laws set at the federal level (where marijuana is still illegal). So in your shoes, I’d look up what your state law says about employment testing for marijuana and go from there.

But as for inquiring about the philosophy behind the testing: they’ll almost certainly tell you that they want to have a drug-free workplace … which sounds like a perfectly reasonable stance for a manufacturing company, except that non-alcohol drug tests will detect private use in your own home in your off hours last weekend. Which is really why workplaces that care about safety should be using impairment tests instead; impairment tests check if you’re impaired for any reason, not just find out that you smoked a joint before bed a week ago. Performance tests measures things like hand-eye coordination and response time and are designed to catch multiple types of impairment, including legal ones like fatigue, and are used by NASA on astronauts and test pilots, and in other cases where safety matters more than drug testing theater.

4. Can I ask a nonprofit if they’re dependent on federal grants?

I’m a displaced federal employee — I had exceptional performance reviews, but I was fired for “performance” with 28 days remaining in my first year. I’ve started my job search and have been frank about my situation with prospective employers — “I was terminated as part of recent mass firings, but I am happy to provide performance documentation as well as references from supervisors.”

Now I have a possible interview. The position aligns with my abilities and interests, everything I’ve encountered feels positive, and it’s at a nonprofit with a mission that I would feel good about supporting. But after losing my beloved former position to the current administration, I’m nervous. Would it be appropriate for me to ask if/how their organization relies on federal grants? If so, would it be appropriate in the interview? How?

(Additional complications I don’t even know where to start on: my former position might be reinstated, my former office might have a new opening that is exempted and also a good fit for me … but I don’t feel like I can count on either. I loved my workplace and the good we did, but I have to explore other options!)

Yes, you can absolutely ask whether the organization, and this position in particular, rely on federal grants. That’s not an uncommon thing to ask about in nonprofit interviews, even before the current chaos, and it’s even more understandable right now. You can word it this way: “Do you rely on federal grants at all, and do you expect your budget, or this position itself, to be affected by what’s going on?”