weekend open thread – November 2-3, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: All I’ve been able to read this past month have been comfort re-reads — mostly Elinor Lipman and Barbara Pym. This week it was Pym’s Crampton Hodnet, in which gossip and romance disrupt the sedate pace of life for an elderly woman and her paid companion.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

open thread – November 1, 2024

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

my boss wrote a poem about us but left people out, I doubt my boss’s nephew is really a genius, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My new boss wrote a poem about our team … but only some of us

My company has an annual team-building outing, which is traditionally the occasion for higher management to express their gratitude to the employees. At least, that was what I was picking up from the trip, as I’ve only started working here recently.

One of the gestures my grandboss made to express her thankfulness for us was to write a poem about our hard work. The thing is, she manages two teams— let’s call them team A and B — and her poem was only about team A.

I’m on team B. To be fair to her, my team was part of team A until pretty recently, and we are comprised mostly of newbies, my boss included. Because of the nature of our work, we do not interact with our grandboss as much as team A. Still, it’s hard not to feel slighted when her poem listed out the names of every single member in team A, and not once mentioned the people in team B. All her other gestures addressed her employees as a whole, but the poem made me wonder if she only intended her praises and encouragement for team A.

She’s been a stellar supervisor otherwise, and neither of my teammates nor my boss seem to be bothered by the, in my opinion, preferential treatment. Should I just let it go?

I feel like it’s something important to bring up though, mostly because it reflects poorly on her as a manager. How do I bring this issue up delicately? Should I speak to her privately or should I give my feedback during the annual manager review? Or again, is it this worth making a big deal at all?

Let it go. It’s true that big public expressions of appreciation shouldn’t favor only some of the people a manager manages (unless it was specific to a project they did or something like that). But I can see this happening if she knows Team A well and has worked with them a long time, and those things aren’t true yet of Team B. It still wasn’t very graceful, but it’s not a big enough deal to raise with her; if you do, you risk looking a little precious, especially as a new employee.

You say she’s been a great manager otherwise, and that’s more important.

2. Employer is requiring us to install software on our personal computers

I am a doctoral student at a major U.S. university. Everyone in my grad program is employed by the university in some capacity: some of us teach classes; others are hired as researchers. However, this doesn’t function like a normal workplace in many ways, including that there are no work computers provided. This is a huge expense for people, and unfortunately it’s very common in academia.

The other day, we received an email from IT that all university devices will be required to have a particular antivirus software installed on them. I thought, no problem, I don’t have a university device. But then I read the fine print and realized their definition of “university device” covers any personal device used for university business — which includes all of our personal computers.

Apparently if we don’t comply by a certain date, our devices will be locked out of the campus wifi and other essential campus IT infrastructure. The justification given is that other devices in a network could be compromised if one insecure device is hacked. That may be true! But the particular software (there are no alternative options) brags of its AI virus detection, and apparently, if the AI erroneously blocks a legitimate program we’re trying to download, we can contact IT to have it unblocked within 48 hours. (48 hours???) It also says that the software does not share personal data … except in cases where “adverse events” are detected, and they are extremely vague about what would constitute an adverse event.

I am deeply uncomfortable with this. As a matter of principle, I’m grossed out by the lack of ethical oversight of AI and would like to opt out as much as I can. More to the point, this is my personal computer! I use it for, well, very personal things that I really don’t want my employer to see (outside of work time, of course!) The university has not given me reason to trust their judgment in the past, and I don’t trust that this software will keep my data private. I also have my own risk tolerance for downloading open-source software from the internet, and I don’t relish having to go through IT to get downloads unblocked, especially if they have nothing to do with work.

Do I have any options? Obviously, this is what work computers are for, but there’s no funding for them and I can’t afford to buy a second laptop. (Nor can most of my peers! People are already using absolutely ancient laptops because they couldn’t afford new ones in the first place.) We do have a union, which I am active in, and there’s a possibility that we could push back collectively on this, but the timeline for getting it resolved is likely to exceed the time they’ve given us to comply with this order.

Also, nobody else seems to be upset. Did they just not read the email? Am I wildly overreacting? Maybe this is just a necessary change to the technology … but I feel very trapped.

You’re not overreacting; this is a massive overreach with significant privacy implications for your personal devices. It would be different if these were work-provided computers, but they’re not. And I suspect the reason no one else is upset is because they didn’t pay much attention to the email or haven’t thought through all the implications.

Legally, you don’t have much to stand on. Employers can require you to use your personal devices, and they can require you to install all sorts of invasive programs when you do. But you potentially have power in numbers, if enough of you push back on this. Talk to your union, and talk to your colleagues. Spell out exactly what they’re agreeing to if they install this software. (And why is it not an option to simply agree to install anti-virus software on your device that you select and control? That’s what I’d push for.)

3. I doubt my boss’s nephew is really a genius

My boss has hired her nephew to work part-time in our department. He’s 18 years old, fresh out of high school and I believe this is his first job (we do accounts receivable for a 2,500-person company). There are two supervisors in our department, me and another person. My boss made her nephew my direct report (without even discussing it with me!) and he is my only direct report; the other supervisor has no direct reports at all.

My issue with is probably not a big deal, but I’m still annoyed. At least once a week my boss refers to her nephew as a genius (“Genius Nephew has come up with a more efficient way to do X!” or “Nephew had a genius idea about Y!”) and it really annoys me; sure he’s smart enough I guess, but I doubt he’s actually a genius.

I am very hesitant to bring it up to my boss herself because when I’ve brought up other issues regarding the nephew in the past, she has justified his behavior even though one example of what he did (pushing off his research onto another department) is something she has expressly told the rest of us that we are not to do.

With some recent reorganizations, my boss has a new boss and honestly I would love to bring this up with him and hopefully he would see this situation as problematic and then we could hire someone other than my boss’s nephew, who would be able to work full-time AND not be the boss’s nephew OR my direct report.

Should I even bother to bring this up with my grandboss or should I just internally roll my eyes and let it go?

The issue is less that your boss thinks her nephew is a genius and more that she hired her nephew to work under you, which puts you in an impossible situation as far as managing him goes. The genius stuff is a subset of that larger problem; it shows a bias in his favor that’s probably connected to their familiar relationship, but even if she weren’t so effusive about his incredible brain, hiring him into her chain of command would still be a problem.

So yes, talk to your boss’s new boss! He may not even realize that your boss hired her own nephew and stuck you with managing him, so lay out the situation for him and whatever problems you’ve seen so far.

4. Hot desking and when to clock in

I recently started working at a place with a hot desk, and clean desk, policy. At the end of the day, we put our laptop, notebooks, etc. in our individual lockers, and at the beginning of the day we take our things out of our lockers and set them up at our usually-new desks. I have no issues with this: we only have to be in the office two days a week, and get to work from home the other three days, so this like a perfectly fair compromise to me.

My question is: should the time I spend setting up my things when I arrive, and putting away my things when I leave, be counted as working time? We use timesheets to clock in and out every day.

In past jobs I’ve counted my clock-in time as being when I’m logged in and online, but that’s in jobs where I’m always at the same desk so am not required to set up every day. It doesn’t take that long (probably five minutes on either end), but I’d still like a definitive answer. Thoughts?

It should be paid time. Federal law requires you to be paid for activities before and after your work shift if they are “an integral and indispensable part of the principal activities” for which you’re employed. An activity is integral and indispensable if it is “one with which the employee cannot dispense if they are to perform their principal activities.” You need to set up your work station in order to perform your job, and you are required to put things away when you leave, so doing that should be paid time.

my boss says I do great work but won’t give me a raise after 3 years

A reader writes:

I’m early in my career but have been in my current organization (10,000+ employees) for over three years. I was hired in a two-person “department,” where I am an individual contributor reporting directly to the department director. Since I started in this position, my manager (George) and I have had conversations about the “unique structure” of our department and how that would provide me with freedom and flexibility to shape the scope of the role as my skills and experiences expand.

I realized within the first six months of this role that “unique structure” was code for “never getting a promotion.” There are no positions between myself and George (whereas other departments have multiple individual contributors, managers, senior managers, and directors) and I have no peers in my department. While it’s true that my role has expanded in scope over the years, my compensation hasn’t changed. Whenever I try to bring this up with George, he gives vague answers about “the budget being tight” but emphasizes how much he depends on me and how he’s glad to have me as his “right hand.”

Throughout my three years, George has alluded to possible raises and promotions that never end up happening. There was the promise to create a new supervisory position for me that fell through without any further explanation. When we finally hired a new member of our department, George started a months-long unexpected leave a week after the new hire started. I covered many of George’s essential duties during his leave while also training and supervising the new hire, although that was never formally recognized. When that new hire left within her first year because she was being underpaid, I became the formal supervisor of her replacement with no change to my title nor compensation. I accepted each of these supervisory opportunities (in addition to the increasing scope of my other projects) with an optimism that I would be rewarded eventually, but my boss kept coming back to the same excuses whenever I mentioned I felt I deserved a compensation increase.

In an effort to not sound greedy, I would phrase these compensation discussions as “looking for formal growth opportunities,” but I did once flat-out ask for a raise once George returned from leave. He initially denied my request, citing the apparent “tight budget,” but emphasized that everyone with whom I worked gave me glowing reviews of my coverage of his work. A few days later, he claimed he “hassled HR” and they “reluctantly” let him give me a one-year retention bonus that amounted to about 5% of my gross salary. I was to receive the lump sum immediately but would be required to pay the organization back if I were to leave the role within the year. This felt insulting. I accepted the bonus and started looking for a new job, figuring I could negotiate the bonus repayment into a new salary once I got an offer with a salary increase.

I have gone through a couple sprints of aggressively applying to jobs over the past year but nothing has panned out. Now, a few months after the year-long retention period, I’m still working here and feel like I’m being exploited.

My first question: am I actually being exploited? It’s easy to feel that way since I’m young and naïve about how these things work, but every seasoned professional I’ve talked to insists that continuing to go above and beyond will pay off in the end, even if it hasn’t just yet. I am less inclined to believe that that’s true now in the same way it was when my parents were young professionals; it feels like I just keep meeting increasingly challenging expectations and given the same excuses.

My second question: what leverage do I have to demand a raise? I don’t have a job offer to use as negotiation with my current employer, nor do I have an income source should I decide to leave this job out of principle. I know making an empty threat to leave the company will destroy any future bargaining power I might have, but I’ve also been job hunting for over a year with no luck. I don’t want to be financially stagnant until I can find a new position if I don’t have to be.

Is this worth having any sort of conversation with my boss right now, and what should my ask be? Or should I just be grateful to have a job when so many knowledge workers are unemployed right now?

Yes, I think you’re being exploited. You’ve been working for three years with no raise (just one paltry “retention bonus” that isn’t even actually a raise), despite your responsibilities increasing significantly, including new managerial responsibilities. Your boss calls you his “right hand” but isn’t willing to back that up with money. He’s promised promotions and raises that have never materialized. At this point, you’re being paid less in real money than when you started (because of inflation) while doing more work and having significantly increased your value.

It’s true that going above and beyond can pay off — at workplaces and with managers who recognize it that way. But once your workplace and/or manager demonstrates that they don’t respond that way, it’s in your interests to recognize that and go somewhere that will. The time to start expecting that recognition was about one year in, and the time to get very concerned that it wasn’t coming was after you started managing a whole other employee without being compensated for it. At this point, three years in, they’re just taking advantage of you.

As for what leverage you have to push for a raise … let’s find out. Any sensible manager knows that when someone asks for a raise, they risk losing that person to better opportunities if they turn them down. Your boss may be less convinced of that than we want him to be because you’ve hung around this long … but “you’ve hung around this long” can also be used to your advantage, by highlighting that you’ve been patient but that now the situation has become unsustainable.

Say this to him: “I’ve been here three years with no raise, despite my responsibilities increasing significantly during that time, including taking on a management role with no additional compensation. At this point I’m earning less in real dollars than when I started, due to inflation, but doing a lot more. You’ve alluded several times to me deserving a raise, but I haven’t had one. I’d like to stay here and continue growing, but I do need my compensation to reflect my contributions.”

He’ll reply with something about the budget being tight, to which you should respond, “My understanding of that is why I’ve waited three years, but at this point I do need my salary to reflect the work I’m doing.” Then stop talking.

You’re not making explicit threats to leave here, but if George has any sense at all, he’ll understand that he’s risking that.

If he comes back with another “retention bonus,” push back: “I’m asking for an increase to my base salary that’s commensurate with the work I’ve taken on.”

But even if they do give you a raise, you should keep job-searching. This is a place that will only compensate you fairly if you push and push and push (and even then, any raise they offer will probably be lower than what you’ve actually earned). Your underpaid coworker had the right idea when she left. And there’s a built-in ceiling on what you can do in your small department anyway.

Normally I’d recommend looking at internal transfers as one way get out from under this boss — but first I’d want to know whether under-market pay is an org-wide issue or not. (Your boss definitely wants you to believe it is … but talk to people on other teams to test that.) If it’s org-wide, you’re better off going somewhere else altogether.

Also — it is not greedy to ask for a raise that reflects your value. Please disabuse yourself of that line of thinking. It’s to your employer’s advantage for you to believe that, and it’s bullshit. We work for money, and we deserve to be paid fairly for our labor, which means increased pay as our value to an employer increases.

the escape room, the haunted house, and other times Halloween at work went wrong (or right)

Happy Halloween! Here are some of my favorite stories about Halloween at work that you shared earlier this week that didn’t make it into my column for Slate on Monday.

1. The escape room

At Old Job, the position that I and the majority of the department held was rather soul sucking. The supervisors all banded together to create a Halloween themed party throughout the day that people could join when they had a free moment. They played kids’ Halloween movies on the projector in the conference room, and they created an escape room where you had to find the key to unlock the door and get out with the fastest time (was supposed to take ~10 minutes). You could play as a group or alone. I only mention these two activities because together with them and a department policy that no one could have their phones on them, they created a problem.

The supervisors in the room watching the movies became so engrossed in these films that they hadn’t watched in 10+ years that they stopped doing any work. They also entirely forgot about who was in the escape room. The person who made the room was a puzzle enthusiast and went off the deep end for the escape room. I did it with three other people, and it took us nine minutes (we all like the puzzle stuff). It was taking most people ~15-20 minutes. One person, the department problem, went in alone. Everyone forgot he was in the escape room. The supervisors were watching the movie and didn’t hear his pleas to be let out. He couldn’t message anyone to be let out either. After two hours, someone finally noticed that the timer was still running and opened the door to a totally destroyed escape room and the problem employee laying on the floor in defeat.

We weren’t allowed to have escape rooms after that.

2. The M&M’s

A company I worked for went all in for Halloween. Each department picked a theme to decorate their desks and wore costumes. There was a competition with prizes. Most of us in accounts were Type A ladies who shared a brainwave and completed each other’s sentences, etc. We decided to decorate our department like Candyland and dress up as M&M’s. The Candyland deskscape was magnificent and all of us showed up on October 31st with either a store bought M&M costume or a colourful sweatshirt with an M on it … except for our one new colleague. He showed up dressed up as Eminem. The look on our faces and his face as it dawned on all of us that we had verbally communicated all of the ideas, and he hadn’t put the candy and candyland theme together and literally thought we were all dressing up as Marshall Mathers!

So we decided for our contest presentation of the theme he would rap along to “Lose Yourself” while throwing out Candyland cards like money and we would all dance like his backup act while walking through the board game we’d built in our department. It was so amazing and we won the contest. People were laughing about it so much, and still talked about it years later.

3. The costume

My mom used to take the day off and then tell people she went dressed as the Invisible Woman.

4. The haunted house

The building my office was in had an empty office floor, and for reasons I still don’t understand one of my coworkers got permission to turn it into a haunted house for our Halloween party. I don’t think he did anything for a month but work on it. There was a reception area that was a graveyard complete with a smoke machine, then you turned into a hallway with a bunch of scarecrows, one of which was headless and “came alive” to attack people. Then the grim reaper chased you into a room with clowns screaming about haunted dolls. The final room was a butcherer shop where a large man with chainsaw menaced you.

We were a fairly stodgy engineering company. This was supposed to be something fun for people to check out during the Halloween potluck lunch break. I was the scarecrow that came alive and since I was in it I didn’t realize what a masterwork of lighting and perspective the setup was. While we preformed, I noticed people were screaming a lot, but it wasn’t until afterwards that I realized how badly we freaked our coworkers out. What I thought was a goofy and fairly obvious set up was actually so well done that no one had realized I was a person until I moved, several believed I must have dropped in from the ceiling and wasn’t part of the display they saw when the entered the hallway. The other rooms were less jump scare and more straight-up scare, but the costumes had been elaborate so no one could recognize their coworkers. Already freaked out people were suddenly faced with their senses overloaded. People in the later half of the walkthrough told me people straight up ran through it, trying to get out. Our chainsaw guy was almost punched by a few people.

We were never allowed to have a haunted house again.

5. The health insurance announcement

I first joined my current company during the pandemic, and we were all remote. So for the first company party they threw after the plague (Halloween ’22), they went all in. The venue was a medieval castle. There was plenty of food, an open bar, and a costume contest with a cash prize.

It was midnight when the winner of the contest was announced, and people were already, um, a little out of sorts. For some reason, HR chose that moment (remember, past midnight during a costume party with an open bar) to announce that our health insurance was being updated and is now completely paid for by the company, with the most extensive coverage available and no costs for the employees.

Readers, everything went wild. People cheered, toasted and celebrated like we’ve won the lottery. Someone snatched a bottle of vodka from the bar and showered us with it like a F1 winner with champagne. Another person tackled our poor HR rep (a 4’11″ woman) to the ground, and several others piled up on top of them. In a matter of seconds, everyone was lying on the floor, drenched in vodka. There were a few bruises and nosebleeds, and some costumes got torn, stained, or both.

The cherry on top: HR also decided to give us our insurance member cards at the party, after the announcement. It should go without saying that several people lost theirs, some never even got them, and the company had to re-issue most of the cards. Apparently, the cleaning crew found a bunch of damaged insurance cards at the venue the next day.

Best company party I’ve ever been to.

6. The makeup

I was in my mid-twenties when I decided to try my hand at wound make-up. Nothing terribly grisly; just a gash on my forehead and some bruising that, if you looked too closely, probably had some sparkle to it because I definitely used eye shadow. I worked for a warehouse club at the time (think Costco, Sam’s, BJ’s, etc.), but I wasn’t customer-facing really, and since I was going to be spending the day in a tiny closet of an office by myself counting cash sent over from cashiers, I didn’t think the wound make-up would be a big deal.

Except that it was apparently more convincing at first glance than I realized. The first manager to see me that morning panicked momentarily because he thought I’d been injured, and, later, a coworker saw me and blurted out, “WHO DID THAT TO YOU?!” I ended up removing everything within the first couple of hours of my shift. (And I’m glad I did! Like, I wasn’t OFTEN customer-facing in that role, but I did have to help on the floor sometimes. I don’t know WHAT I was thinking.)

7. The competition

Halloween got out of control and crazy competitive. Consumer products development/sales in California. Costume contests (group and individual) with management voting and giving prizes, cubicle decorating contests, catered lunch. The group costume contest got so competitive that teams started planning months in advance (like, around Christmas, no joke) and would start fake rumors about their team’s theme to throw off the competitors. One team had a professional costume designer do theirs each year (oh the outrage!). It eventually evolved into the teams performing a skit, song, or dance in order to win. One year my team practiced a song and dance for a month after work (off-site of course… secrecy) leading up to it.

After about 10 years of escalating insanity and competitiveness the whole thing was scrapped because it had become such a distraction.

8. The pumpkin carving contest

We had a pumpkin carving contest between departments, which went off nicely enough. Except we forgot how much the office cat loved pumpkin. And I mean LOVED pumpkin. Everyone’s jack o’ lanterns had chomp marks within hours. At the end of the day, all teams were supposed to either take theirs home or put it outside in the garden to compost. One team forgot. The cat ate three-quarters of it overnight. We gave them litter box duty as penance.

9. The Entomology department

The Entomology department of a big university had a yearly costume competition where everyone dressed up as different insects. One year, an employee of the neighboring and sometimes rival Ecology department showed up with an absolutely massive homemade fly swatter.

10. The coworker costumes

For close to 15 years now, dressing up as one of your coworkers has been a Halloween tradition where I work. It actually started when someone came dressed as me the first year. A year later, I waited until I saw what a coworker was wearing that day, got a co-conspirator to bring a matching outfit, and sat down next to them. People have worn the CEO’s face printed out as a mask. Nobody’s ever gotten offended by it, it’s just a strange tradition now. I think it has more to do with the culture and the intent than anything else … our clones are in a spirit of fun and respect.

what are the weirdest things you’ve found when cleaning out an old office or desk?

What odd things have you found when moving into a new office or desk? To start us off, here are some disturbing and/or amusing examples shared here in the past:

  • “A friend of mine went to work for a museum in DC. As she cleaned out the desk she found an old (1920ish?) cigarette box, opened it up, and dumped out a mummified finger, or at least a small part of one. Its turns out that the previous occupant of her desk specialized in Egyptian antiquities. The finger was returned to the proper storage unit.”
  • “When my boss and I went to clean out an ex-employee’s desk, we found stuff like printed emails about scams from 1999, printed emails about procedure changes from the early 2000s that had long since changed again, printed chain messages with notes she’d written about being concerned and wanting to follow up on them, and so on. PRINTED EMAILS EVERYWHERE.”
  • “A librarian/archivist friend discovered that the person she’d taken over for in that job had left a huge file with years’ worth of correspondence from an affair this (married) person was having. Some of it supposedly left nothing to the imagination about what was going on. Guess keeping it at work meant it was around as a keepsake, but not in a location where the spouse could find it. Although funny they left that job and totally forgot to at least destroy the evidence.”
  • “I once was promoted into a position previously held by a man who left the company over a salary dispute. Apparently a dispute that he was extremely angry about, as I discovered when I went through the files on his former computer. He had pasted pornographic / scatological photographs in literally every spreadsheet and document he had ever created in his five years in the position; I’m guessing that this was supposed to be some sort of commentary on the job and his feelings about it. There were upwards of 1,500 files that he “decorated”; I wasn’t sure whether to be disgusted by the images or impressed by his diligence in carrying out this bizarre task. It turned out to be a little of both.”

Please share your own in the comments.

manager says I have to come in despite a doctor’s note, boss interrupted me in the bathroom, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Manager says I have to come in even though my doctor says to stay home

My company has just increased the number of days we’re expected to be in office. We were fully remote for two years during the pandemic, so the shift to hybrid work has been a big adjustment, as is the new increase to our in-office days.

If you miss an in-office day and don’t make it up in the same week, you get a strike. After three strikes in a six month period, you may be subject to disciplinary action / it may impact your performance review and standing.

Today, I’m working from home with a horrendous cough and fever. My doctor has advised that I should work from home all week to avoid getting my coworkers sick (and gave me a note that I submitted to work). My manager has advised that I should come in later this week as long as my fever is gone so that my performance review doesn’t suffer. I’ve been advised to mask up and to find a meeting room where I can set up camp for the day, so I can isolate while checking the attendance box.

Is there any world in which this is reasonable? I think that if a medical professional has said I shouldn’t be around other people, I shouldn’t come into the office. And asking me to contradict a doctor’s guidance is pretty wild. (For what it’s worth, we live in a large city so coming in will mean being next to strangers on public transit or spending $50+ each way on an Uber.)

No, there’s no world in which that’s reasonable, unless you’re, I don’t know, engaged in some kind of life and death work where you are the only person who can carry out your portion of an incredibly important mission that will result in loss of life or limb if you’re not there. Any chance that’s the case?

Assuming not, your manager is being wildly unreasonable. Maybe that’s because she is wildly unreasonable, or maybe it’s because she’s under extreme pressure from above to make people comply with the new in-office policy and doesn’t have the savvy to know there are times when you still need to push back, who knows.

You can try spelling it out for her: “Are you saying my performance review could suffer because I’m following a doctor’s advice to stay home for a full week? That doesn’t seem right and I wonder if it’s something we can check with HR.”

Otherwise, she’s telling you to return as long as your fever is gone, so it sounds like your fever won’t be gone this week.

Related:
does an employer have to act on a doctor’s note?

2. My boss asked me to take a call while I was in the bathroom

I was sitting at my desk this morning when I suddenly needed to go “number two.” I hate to do this because I work in a converted townhouse where the bathrooms are just one toilet and sink, like in a house. But this was a serious situation!

I was sitting there and I heard my boss outside the bathroom door:
“Molly, are you in there?”
“Um, yes. Yes, I am.”
“Mr. Smith is on the phone.”
Well, I certainly can’t take a phone call NOW, you boob! But I said, “Could you ask him to call back?”
“How long are you going to be in there?”
A very personal question, sir! “As long as it takes, I guess.”

Then another coworker walked by and he started discussing something with her, right outside the door. It was like a staff meeting, except one person was trying to poop. This whole experience left me discombobulated! Should I complain to him about it, or talk to HR?

Eh, hopefully it was one awkward/thoughtless moment and not the start of a pattern. He was in the wrong, but it’s not something you need to do anything about unless it keeps happening. If it does happen again, you could say to him (not through the bathroom door, but when you’re in more of a position to talk), “When I’m in the bathroom, I’m indisposed and can’t take calls. Can you please let the person know I’m away from my desk and will call them back if that happens?”

This isn’t an HR issue unless it’s happening a lot and he’s, like, banging on the door while you’re in there.

Also, a white noise machine inside the bathroom or right outside of it might make this set-up a lot more comfortable.

3. My employee asked me for a reference … for a job I’m also applying to

I’m a mid-level manager at a company who is happy with my job but open to other opportunities. One of my employees, Sansa, is looking for other work openly, because we can’t offer competitive compensation or the hours that she would prefer. I love Sansa — she’s great at her job and I absolutely understand why she would be looking for other employment. She asked me to be a reference and I happily agreed. All has been well, and I have provided a reference for her that resulted in a job offer that didn’t end up working out. Yesterday, she mentioned a job that I also applied to. Eeek!

This job would be a step back in responsibility for me but would offer more pay, better benefits, and more time off. It would be a step forward for her, and probably a great fit. If they called me for a reference, I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend her. But in the back of my mind, I worry about all eventual scenarios. What if we’re in the final round, and they ask for references? What if I get the job and haven’t told her that I applied? Will she feel lied to? Backstabbed? What if she gets the job and finds out after I also applied but lost out to her … will our professional relationship be awkward afterward? Should I tell her now before we’ve even gotten to interviews? We are in a niche field so are bound to continue running into each other. But more importantly, we get along really well as coworkers and generally have a lot of department camaraderie that I wouldn’t want to color with a negative experience at the end of our working relationship. I have a lot of respect for her. I always tell my staff that it’s a job, not a family, and they should put themselves first, but I’m having trouble navigating the lines between what’s professional courtesy and what’s divulging information that’s unnecessary for them to know.

Oooh, yeah, if you feel like you can safely share with her that you’ve applied for that job yourself, without risking repercussions in your current organization, I would. Otherwise, if you end up getting the job and that’s the first time she learns of it, she’s likely to wonder if you only applied because she told you about it (not that people have dibs on job openings, but no one wants to feel their reference swiped an opening out from under them) or if you gave her a less-than-glowing reference in order to get the job yourself.

You can avoid all that if you tell her now. Say that you want to be up-front with her that you had already applied for the position and you are still happy to give her a glowing reference if she wants, but you wanted to be transparent with her in case she’d rather use someone else.

Related:
my reference applied for the job I wanted, after I told her about it

4. Is it better to be interviewed first or last?

Is it better to go early or late in the interviewing process?

I usually choose the first interview time available to (1) show I’m excited about the position and (2) set the standard for everyone else (and to knock out the competition if I’m lucky). But that means I’m waiting on tenterhooks while the employer figures out what they’re trying to do and out of sight, out of mind. Would it be better to go as close to last as possible because it, in theory, shortens my wait time and my meeting is fresh in the mind?

Basically, I need a damn job and I’m willing to try any voodoo that might help.

It really doesn’t matter that much.

There is research showing people remember the first and last in a series better than those in the middle, but if you’re a strong candidate you’re very unlikely to be forgotten just because you were interviewed in the middle. Plus, if you go first, you might set the bar for everyone else — or your interviewer might think, “She was good but we’re so early in the process” and not put any special weight on you.

Moreover, you don’t have enough context on the list of slots they’re offering. For all you know, someone else has already taken an earlier slot or a later slot and you’re just hearing about the remaining ones. Plus, things change all the time — you could have what you think is their last slot and then a great candidate emerges and they need to wait until that person can be scheduled, which drags out the process for everyone, or things get delayed for other reasons. There’s just really no way to game this. Take the slot that’s convenient for you and don’t put more thought into it than that.

To the extent that any voodoo is available, it’s in preparing really well for the interview, not in where your interview falls.

5. My title is different in different places — which one do I use?

In part thanks to your resume advice, I have managed to leave my old, hated industry and entered a new one! There’s a whole new set of industry norms to maneuver, however, and one is perplexing me. On internal documents, I have one title — think “llama farmer relationship manager II” — but on outside-facing or public documents I am styled simply “operations specialist.” Which one do I use — on credit card applications, on my voter registration, on future resumes? When my parents ask?

In cases where someone is likely to check the title (like a background check), you should use the title that your company will confirm, which might be the internal one … but might be either of them, depending on how your company does things. For everything else, you can use whichever of the two you prefer, since they’re both accurate.

And for the first category, where you need to make sure it’ll match up with what the company will say, ask your boss! You don’t need to say it’s for future reference checks; you can say you want to make sure you’re using the right title on things like credit card applications.

someone is always crying in our morning meetings

A reader writes:

Can you help me deal with the amount of crying at work I’m dealing with at the moment?

I manage a mid-size team of people who are all very caring and empathetic, and are through and through a great team.

Every morning we have a meeting set up for the day. I’m finding more and more often that I have to deal with someone becoming overcome with tears at this meeting. My team all have their struggles, with health, family, bereavement, and plenty of other genuine personal problems. I find that some members of the team more than others will come to the meeting already in tears, or will become tearful if asked how they are. The meeting will then be focused on that person and their issue until I can, as tactfully and kindly as possible, try to steer us back on course. I’ll follow up with them afterwards to make sure they know I will support them in any way I can by adjusting their workload, giving them flexibility, etc. I get a lot of feedback from my team to say that I am a supportive manager.

But I’m really starting to struggle with this. I make it clear to my team they don’t need to have cameras on for the meeting, and they can message me ahead of time if they are struggling and don’t feel up to the meeting. I know that life these days is HARD and I’ve had my share of difficulties in recent years. But I do feel that this morning meeting is becoming a support group at times. I’m worried that members of staff who I know to have a lot going on in their personal lives, but don’t bring it up in the meeting, feel like they now have to shoulder someone else’s emotions. It is draining for me as well; I am only human.

Is there a nice way to tell repeat criers that they need to maybe skip the meeting if they feel like crying? Should I even do that? I think some of the team really rely on work connections to support them as they don’t have a great network of family and friends.

How do I deal with this? And how can I keep my sanity when I am getting all these emotions dumped on me, even when I’m having a tough time myself?

I wrote back and asked, “Are these daily meetings strictly necessary? That’s a lot of meetings and I’d look at whether they need to be happening that frequently as a first step!”

The organization very much expects us to do this every morning. The meeting can take as little as 15 minutes if we don’t have too much chat. It should just be a quick check-in to capture figures and flag any issues, but can and does get derailed.

First and foremost unless you find the meetings truly useful, see if you can cut down on how often you have them. If you don’t have the authority to do that, can you talk to whoever needs to okay it and explain that not only are they unhelpful but they’re becoming actively derailing?

But if that’s not an option — or if the meetings really do serve a useful purpose — then a few things:

1. Try making the calls audio-only. Not just “you don’t need to have your camera on,” but “we are going to leave cameras off for our meetings this week and see how that goes.” With cameras off, there will be fewer openings for “Jane, you look upset, is everything okay?” and a higher chance of staying focused on the meeting’s agenda.

2. Openly articulate the challenge to your team: “We have a team of empathetic people who care a lot about each other, and many of us have struggles going on outside of work. I love that we support each other, but we’re having trouble getting through our morning meeting agendas. I’m going to ask that we stay focused on work items at these meetings, but if you’re not in a head space to do that on any particular day, please message me that you’re skipping the meeting and we’ll connect later instead.”

3. After laying the groundwork that way, resolve to be more task-focused in the meetings. You probably feel it would be callous to ignore that someone seems upset, but it’s really okay to say, “Unfortunately we’ve got to figure out XYZ right now, but Jane, if you need to drop off this call, you can — and we can talk later if there’s anything you need from me in regard to workload or anything else” … and then move the conversation back to work items. (Similarly, if asking how people are is what tends to bring this out, try skipping that and just say, “Good morning, everyone! We’ve got a lot to cover so I’m going to jump straight in…”)

I suspect that if you try the above for a few weeks, you’ll be able to reset the meeting norms.

how can I stay in touch with former coworkers?

A reader asks:

I’ve been working for a while with a senior colleague who has been amazing — knowledgeable, supportive, and patient. He recently moved on from my organization. When he left, he told me to keep in touch.

I’d love to keep in touch but have no idea what to say! I feel like the standard advice is to send relevant articles and say why I think they would be interesting to him, but he’s moved to a different industry and is more than 10 years senior to me. Should I just reach out and ask him how the move went and how the new job is? How do I follow up after that? What are the best ways to stay in touch with colleagues in general, once you no longer work together?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

my drunk coworkers are gossiping about me not drinking

A reader writes:

I find myself in a truly bizarre situation. I attended a work conference overnight this weekend with almost all of my colleagues. We’re attorneys at a pretty large “small” law firm.

At the end of the conference day, we all had dinner together. My close colleague, Jenna, and I arrived to dinner before the rest of our colleagues. I ordered a mocktail.

During dinner, another colleague pulled an “I’ll have what she’s having” and ordered my drink. I did not notice this. When it arrived without alcohol, she was apparently surprised. This led, for reasons I can’t fathom, to my colleagues (all around my age, almost all women, all also associates) apparently deciding I must be pregnant. My colleagues were all VERY drunk.

When we left dinner, one of the colleagues, Sara, asked me outright if this was true. I asked her why she would think that and explained that I wasn’t drinking because I was going to a big party tomorrow, and drinking two nights in a row is just too much for me.

Another colleague, Rose, cornered me and said that she heard I was pregnant. I asked where she heard something like that, and she proceeded to tell me all the associates was talking about it, she heard I was “trying,” and she thought it better to go straight to the source than just speculate. Rose has been very open about her own fertility issues, so I found her questions absolutely shocking. I told her that if I have something to announce, she’d hear about it. I repeated to her that I was going to a party tomorrow and didn’t want to drink two nights in a row. Sara, standing nearby, said, “You don’t have to explain yourself.” Which … apparently is not the case!

Rose proceeded to remind me that if our boss found out by way of gossip, he would be livid. Great.

Rose and another associate, Amanda, then offered to get a round of drinks. Knowing I was under so much scrutiny, I asked them to get me a glass of sparkling wine. Rose returned with the wine, announced to the group that now I could “prove” I wasn’t pregnant, and proceeded to watch me drink with Amanda. I drank about half the glass, before saying I was heading to bed since it was after 11 pm.

I came late to the next morning’s first panel. Jenna told me that the group was still speculating, said I didn’t drink enough (!), and must indeed be pregnant. I told Rose off at the end of the panel and said I was uncomfortable, that was rude, and not to speculate about my health again.

Here’s the thing. I AM pregnant. It is still early, I’m not ready to share, and even my own family doesn’t know yet! I don’t even know if this baby is healthy and developing normally yet. Our boss is kind of paranoid. If he hears this gossip, it will undoubtedly have negative consequences for me. I’m terrified and wildly uncomfortable.

We don’t have HR. I have no idea what to do. Confront each of these colleagues individually for the incredibly inappropriate behavior? Announce early to head off gossip? I can think of one partner at the firm I trust enough to speak with about this. What in the world do I do?

WTF! Your colleagues were wildly out of line.

Not only is it rude and invasive to speculate on whether someone is pregnant, let alone confront them to ask them about it (and no, Rose, it’s not better to “go straight to the source”), but it’s also ridiculous to assume someone is pregnant just because they’re not drinking. There are a ton of reasons someone might not be drinking on any given occasion: your own reason of not wanting to drink two nights in a row, or they’re on a medicine that prevents it, or they’re trying to drink less, or they’re driving later, or they didn’t eat a lot today and don’t want to drink on an empty stomach, or they prefer not to lower their inhibitions at work events, or they just don’t feel like it.

It’s bizarre that your coworkers care so much. Even if they see drinking together as an enjoyable bonding ritual at work conferences, it’s extremely weird to be so put off that someone else doesn’t feel like it — and I wonder if you not drinking made them feel defensive about how much they were all drinking, given that you described them as “VERY drunk.” Some people get like that.

I hate that you felt like you had to order a drink just to make them stop hassling you. If you could go back and do it over, I’d say to tell them that they were out of line, that there are a zillion reasons someone might not be drinking, and that the topic had become tiresome and so you were heading out.

As for what to do now, you definitely don’t need to announce your pregnancy earlier than you otherwise would! They’re not entitled to that information, and there’s no reason you’d need to burden yourself with that just to head off gossip.

Normally I’d say that one option is to let them gossip if they want to and just decide you don’t care. But you’re concerned about consequences if it gets back to your boss, so that might not feel feasible. (More on that in a minute.) Personally, I’d like to see you lay into each of the involved coworkers about this, given how very offensive it is. Sample language: “There can be a ton of reasons someone’s not drinking, not just pregnancy. Many of those reasons are personal and private, and pushing people to share them in a work context is pretty horrible. I also don’t appreciate you speculating about whether I could be pregnant — and I hope you’ll think about how that would land with someone struggling with infertility. If someone is pregnant and ready to share, they will share it. Please give me and others the courtesy and respect of shutting this down.”

Separately: what’s up with a pregnancy “undoubtedly having negative consequences” for you with your boss? That’s not okay (and it’s illegal if your employer has 15 or more employees), and you’re going to need a plan for dealing with that at whatever point you do announce, if that comes. If your boss is truly hostile to pregnancy and you think he’s likely to illegally discriminate against you, it’s not a bad idea for that plan to include touching base with an employment lawyer.