Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employees can’t move on after I yelled at them

I do not deny I have yelled at some of my employees out of frustration. I am in my 60’s and had several strokes and my demeanor is short. I have apologized, but the group of employees cannot get past the fact that I yelled and are now holding it against me. I know that I am out of touch with the younger generation, having grown up in the late 60’s and early 70’s and in a military household I would like to say, “Knock it off and get over it,” but I know that would make things worse. As an engineer, I am black and white with no emotions….kind of “shut up and get the job done.” Any advice on how to address the employees to get them past my past harsh yelling?

Normally I’d say to sincerely apologize and vow you’ll treat them more respectfully going forward … but that’s not going to sound genuine if you don’t really see what the big deal is and still think your employee should just “get over it.”

Yelling is abusive and it’s not reasonable to be frustrated that they won’t just get over it. I’m skeptical that you’ll be able to move past this unless you can find a way to see their point of view … and to do that, you have to be sincerely interested in learning, not just in trying to make the problem go away.

Part of what you need to learn is why your employees — and most employees, particularly people with options — won’t tolerate being spoken to abusively. The other thing you need to learn is better management skills; you yelled out of frustration, which means you don’t know how to get what you need as a manager. That’s a skills deficiency on your side, not theirs — and this won’t get better unless you learn how to get things done without losing your temper. More advice here and here.

2. My boss found out I’ve been hiding mistakes from her

I work at a pharmacy. At the interview, my boss said that she demands one thing: to tell her when I make any mistakes. I’ve been there for a year, and I didn’t tell her that I forgot I’d left the keys to the pharmacy attached to the outside doors three times. In fact, she discovered that after my colleague found them attached to the door at closing. She then talked to me (with no yelling) and said that this should not be repeated. Fast forward to two months after that, I made a mistake by not telling a patient that they should pay an additional fee and didn’t tell her because I planned on paying the fee myself, and by that I would be solving the problem without her knowing. My colleague again told my boss, and she got mad at me. I talked to her, and she repeated her words but didn’t mention anything about firing me or repercussions. But I noticed that she and everyone at the pharmacy are ignoring me. I really love working there and i respect my boss and love her so much. What should I do ?

This is my first official job after graduating. However, i worked while studying in a toxic environment for two years where hiding mistakes and trying to fix them yourself was done at a daily basis.

Leaving the keys in the door outside a pharmacy is a really serious mistake; it’s giving access to a bunch of controlled substances to anyone who wanders by! Humans make mistakes, but if it happened three separate times, you’ve really got to figure out what’s happening that’s allowing that. Two times would be bad! Three is … very bad. I’m not trying to berate you, but I can’t tell from your letter if you realize that so I’m flagging it.

The thing about not telling your boss that you messed up a fee and instead planned to pay it yourself  — when she specifically told you the thing she cares about most is that you tell her about mistakes — is also bad. Strategizing to deceive her is a big deal! She needs to know because there could be consequences she’ll need to deal with. (For example, off the top of my head, if that patient is charged the correct fee in the future and is confused about why she wasn’t charged it previously, people need to know what happened. It could also point to a need for more training, which is info she’s entitled to as your boss.)

It’s smart to identify that you’re carrying over behaviors from an old job where hiding mistakes was normal, but in this environment, it’s a dysfunctional behavior. Your boss sounds like someone who won’t respond harshly to mistakes themselves, but cover-ups could get you fired.

To make this right, talk to your boss and explain that you used to work somewhere where mistakes were handled very differently but you understand how important it is to be open and up-front about mistakes at this job, and you’re committed to doing that going forward (and say you know that you’ve handled it wrong up until now). But you have to really mean that — if you cover up another mistake, it’s likely to be impossible to come back from it.

Related:
how to rebuild your credibility after messing up at work

3. When I provide info to a coworker, he forwards it as-is without warning me

I have a coworker who is intermediating between me and other people (clients, our superiors, etc.). Several times now he has asked me for some information, and then followed-up with, “Okay, I’ll pass it on like that.”

This feels really weird to me. I was writing my messages to him specifically, and I assumed he would repackage that information accordingly (possibly with a more formal message, or also with other data), before informing others. If I knew my message would be going directly to another party from the beginning, I would have written it very differently! Am I off-base here?

It’s definitely not unusual to write differently for one audience than another; you might be much less formal with a peer than with a client or a manager, or you might use shorthand with the former that you wouldn’t use with the latter. That said, your coworker may be judging that what you provided works fine as-is for his purposes. Either way, now that you know he does this, just start assuming that it may get passed on exactly the way you say it and write it accordingly … or you can explicitly say, “If this needs to go to a client or higher-up, I’d like to express it a bit differently so please let me know if that’s the case.” (Or you can even ask that before responding.)

4. Are colorful tights okay for work?

I work in government and there is no real dress code in my office. People wear polos and tees or blouses and dresses. Some people wear jeans. I like to be a little more dressed up and was wondering if I wear a pair of lilac tights under a white sweater dress would this be appropriate for the office. What do you think?

Yes!

5. How can I reject a job offer and still be considered in the future?

I just got my first adult job offer after finishing school. The job itself is perfect — the people are nice, the hours and workload are better than 90% of similar positions I’ve seen in this field, the compensation and benefits are great. I even felt like I clicked well with my potential colleagues.

My problem is the location. The position is in a small town an hour away from a big city. The winters are known for being cold and gloomy, which I am normally okay with, except I would be moving by myself (I’m single with no children and no family in the area) and anticipate it could get very lonely quickly. I was originally planning to live in the city so I could more easily meet other young single professionals, but I don’t think the commute would be feasible with this type of work (I tested the drive when I flew in for my interview). I do know some of my potential colleagues from previous training, but one is my ex, and while we are on good terms, I don’t think it’s smart to have my main support system be my ex (especially if one of us starts dating someone new who isn’t comfortable with our friendship).

If I declined the job offer at this time, is there a way to make it clear I still love the company and would happily reapply if my social situation changes? (I would happily move to the small town where the job is at once I’m married/have a partner, especially if we have kids. It’s an ideal family town, but not so ideal for singles.) How would I communicate that now and in the future, and without burning bridges?

I wouldn’t make it about your social situation — that’s a little too much information. Instead you could say something like, “I really like the company and its work but after a lot of thought, I don’t think I’m ready to make the move right now. So I’m declining, but I’d love to leave the door open for the future if a move does become possible for me.”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Job candidate’s name is a slur

I recently reviewed a job application from a candidate whose given name is a slur. It’s not unheard of for people to be named this and there are still plenty of folks who don’t realize it is a slur. It’s not obscure knowledge by any means, but it’s definitely not as commonly understood to be harmful as more well-known slurs.

The thing is, I know that it’s a slur and I don’t think I can address someone by a word that I know is harmful even though it’s their name and what they prefer to be called. The position is still open so I may get so many better qualified candidates that it doesn’t matter, but if I do end up needing to interview them … what am I supposed to do?

Ours is a very informal work environment and everyone around me knows that I make a point of addressing everyone without titles or honorifics, including elected officials we work with. I don’t know their gender but if I find it out and end up using Mr. or Ms. Last Name, that would really stand out. Most people don’t choose their own names and I know what a pain it is to have your name legally changed, having done that myself, so I don’t want to exclude a good candidate because of this thing they probably didn’t choose. And yet, I don’t think I have it in me to say “Hey Racial Slur, can you finish up that TPS report for Bobby by end of day?” What is the right thing to do here?

People should be called by their names, even if you’re uncomfortable with it. There are names in other languages that sound identical to obscene words in English, and those people should be called by their names too; this is no different. The important distinction is that in this usage, it’s their name, not a slur.

In fairness, I do think there are some limits to this. If someone legally changed their name to King Of Turd Mountain and wanted to be called that, I think it would be reasonable to decline to play along (particularly when it comes to listing that name on your company website and so forth) … but someone going out of their way to try to be provocative/make people uncomfortable is a very different situation than someone just going by their given name.

2. Exec is marketing a job as a “roommate opportunity”

I work for a nonprofit that serves people with disabilities. This week, a senior vice president sent an all-staff email advertising a roommate opportunity. He said his daughter, who lives with disabilities, is looking for a roommate and it’s a great deal — free rent! You get a stipend! You just have to split utilities! Oh, and be available every night on call if she needs help using the bathroom or with any other emergencies. A home health aide works with her during the day.

Once again, he’s sharing this as a “roommate opportunity.” It’s … an overnight home health aide opportunity. And for the stipend, it is well below minimum wage (plus, a home health aide wouldn’t be expected to pay utilities!). It sounds like there’s no contract so there’s also no agreement upon things like time off, coverage, etc. You’d be on call every single night.

In addition to serving people with disabilities, our organization also tries to hire people with disabilities. In addition, given the nature of the field, many of the people in the entry-level tier, doing things like helping people use the toilet, tend to be low socioeconomic status themselves and are often from immigrant communities that are more vulnerable to exploitation and/or less savvy about American workplace expectations.

This “generous offer” feels really exploitative and inappropriate. It seems unethical in general for an SVP to try to recruit an under-the-table home aide for his daughter from his own staff. The nature of our work makes it even weirder; I would expect someone in our field to understand why this is unethical.

What are your thoughts? Is this completely insane?

You are correct: it’s exploitative, and it would be inappropriate anywhere but is particularly misplaced at your organization. I’m sure he’s thinking “here’s an audience that’s particularly sensitized to the needs of the disabled and who might appreciate this ‘great deal’” … but, as you point out, it’s very much not a great deal to work every night for less than minimum wage, and he’s misusing his position by marketing it to people he has power over. Someone high-up in your organization should have flagged it. (Well, really, he himself should have realized before sending it that it wasn’t okay, but since that didn’t happen, someone else should have flagged it.)

3. Can I book an earlier flight to a conference than everyone else?

In a few weeks, I am being sent on a big work trip to a four-day convention, my first one, although I have been with the company for many years in various roles. For a variety of reasons, such as plantar fasciitis, difficulty flying, autism/ADHD, and already being in a state of burnout, this is going to be an extremely hard trip for me. I’ve been told to expect 12+ hours on my feet and an additional 3-4 hours of dinner meetings each night. I cannot get out of it.

I have a good reputation and am in a mid-level role with a lot of responsibility, but not compared to the other attendees from my company who are all 5+ levels above me on the org chart. Their assistants have booked them all on a flight that leaves at 6 pm after work the night before the conference starts, meaning we would not even be getting to our hotel rooms until 1 am the night before the convention.

How bad would the optics be if I booked a flight earlier in the afternoon so I could be in bed at a reasonable hour? I am in charge of my own flight arrangements. I will also need some additional accommodation on the airplane that will be embarrassing to ask for openly in front of everybody.

Knowing the company culture, I actually think flying out a day early to ostensibly see a friend or relative before the convention would go over way better than implying I can’t run on four hours of sleep like they all can, but I don’t want to lie.

You know your company culture better than I do, but for the record: in most companies, it would be absolutely fine to say, “I don’t want to be exhausted for the first day of the conference, so I booked an earlier flight.” And that’s if you even needed to say anything at all; in a lot of cases you could just quietly book a reasonable flight and then, if asked if you were driving to the airport with the others, could just matter-of-factly say, “Oh, my flight leaves a couple of hours earlier.”

But if you don’t think that will go over well, it’s perfectly fine to use a cover story. “I’m flying out a little earlier to meet a family member who lives there” may be a lie but it’s a lie that doesn’t harm anyone, doesn’t affect anyone but you, and is reasonable if it’s in service of avoiding company dysfunction (and preserving your privacy around on-flight accommodations).

4. What does a career coach do?

I am unhappy in my current job and have been trying unsuccessfully to find something new for years now. I have multiple arts degrees and a job history that should translate into a good fill for most generic office jobs. However, I am totally overwhelmed about how to find these sorts of jobs and what they might be called in various industries so that I can apply.

So I found a career coach, hoping that she could take a look at my skill set and help me track down jobs I would qualify for or translate my skill set for a particular industry. I honestly don’t care where I work or what I do — I just want to be paid fairly and not work with total jerks.

However, that wasn’t what she seemed capable of doing. She was more like a high school guidance counsellor, making me take a number of personality and aptitude tests and asking a lot of questions about my “dream job.” One, I do not dream of labor, and two, I had my “dream job” and was chased out due to rampant sexual harassment and other bad behavior. I stayed way too long and developed anxiety issues because it was my “dream.” “Dream jobs” are a trap.

I could not get her to move on to actually applying for jobs because she was so hung up on me finding passion for a career, and that’s just never going to happen. I’ve reached out to a few other “career coaches” and they all seemed to be in the same zone: helping me find my passion. I have passion, it’s just not for work.

Did I just find a bunch of really bad coaches? Or is this what coaches do, and what I really need is another “assistance in finding work” person that’s called something else?

This is indeed what a lot of career coaches, maybe even the majority, do. They’re often the live version of that old What Color is Your Parachute? book. You could try screening them by being very, very explicit before hiring someone that what you need is help figuring out what you’d be qualified for, not what you would be motivated by, but even then, unless you find someone unusually good, I’d worry that they’ll fall back on the “passion” framework. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find, but it does mean you’re going to have to do a lot of pre-screening before engaging someone.

Part of the problem is that there aren’t any particular qualifications required to be a career coach, so just because someone is calling themselves that doesn’t mean they’ll have any expertise at understanding the range of jobs out there and what would make someone a good match for an employer hiring for that job (versus the “let’s explore your inner world” bent that you’ve been encountering). You’d probably have an easier time if you can identify a handful of industries you’re interested in and then seek out recruiters who work in those fields; they’re better equipped to help you position yourself as a candidate than many coaches are. (To be clear, recruiters work for employers, not candidates — but if you have skills they’re looking for, good ones can help match you to those jobs.) But that’s a little different than what you’re looking for.

5. Should I pay $600 for a certification I need for a job I’d like?

I’m trying to decide if I should study for and spend the money to take a board certification test. I’ve been working at my company for five years and have been a working, licensed professional for 14. I have an interest in moving more into a corporate role, and have a big interest into moving into a computer-based role. However those jobs are very rare to open up and are highly competitive when they do.

There is a different, more regulatory role in the health system that has opened up recently. It requires a specific, niche board certification. I emailed the hiring manager asking if they would consider hiring someone with a “certification within 6 months of hire” clause and was told no.

The cost of signing up for the test is $600. I think I could do well in the role and would enjoy it, and it also works closely with the department I want to move into. But it’s hard to fathom spending that much money for the sake of a job I may not even get an interview for.

Would the certification also make you a stronger candidate for other jobs that you’d want to apply for — and would you be a compelling candidate for those jobs once you had the certification? If so, it could be a worthwhile investment. But if not, I don’t recommend spending $600 just for a chance to be considered for a single job.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I have warned an intern about a bad manager?

I am a middle manager in a large organization and I am second-guessing how I handled a situation with an employee whom I used to supervise.

From 2020 to 2021, I had the pleasure of supervising an outstanding intern, Anna. Anna was the kind of employee that any employer would be lucky to have. During her internship, Anna expressed interest in staying on with us after her graduation. It can be difficult to secure full-time permanent employment with our organization, and the hiring process is lengthy and onerous for managers and candidates alike. However, there is a “shortcut” for qualified former interns to transition to a permanent position upon graduation. Anna was eventually offered such a position by one of my peers, and she asked my advice on whether she should accept the offer.

My dilemma: The hiring manager was known to have terrible people management skills (not at the level of abuse or harassment, but that’s a pretty low bar). However, I chose not to share this with Anna. I didn’t want to “poison the well” or unduly influence her, and thought she was mature enough to make her own decision. I also thought that a well-paid permanent position with great benefits isn’t something that comes along every day for new grads, and the internal mobility opportunities would mean that even if this particular job wasn’t a good fit, Anna wouldn’t be stuck there for long. So, I took more of a coaching role in our conversation rather than an advice-giving one (though I did suggest she speak with current employees on the team). In the end, Anna accepted the manager’s offer.

Anna’s team has ended up being just as, if not more, toxic as I had feared and Anna’s mental health has taken a beating. Anna eventually found other opportunities within the organization but I feel terrible that I didn’t warn her to run far away from the bad manager in the first place. What, if anything, could I have done differently?

I’m a fan of letting people know when a lot of other people have found a manager tough to work with. You don’t need to come out and say “she’s a nightmare” if you don’t feel comfortable being that candid, but you can say, “I do want to warn you some people have found her to be a difficult boss. I don’t have firsthand experience, but I’d definitely suggest talking to people who have worked for her and asking about their experiences so that you’re not going in blind.” If you know specifics — or specific themes — ideally you’d find a way to share those.

“Well-paid positions with great benefits don’t come along every day and she wouldn’t be stuck there for long” is a legitimate thing for Anna to decide, but it shouldn’t be something you decide on her behalf.

2. Former colleague is running a scam

My partner, Chris, has recently gotten an advanced degree in a newer and very niche field which has documented ROI for businesses, but tends to get cut as non-essential when businesses are doing their yearly budgeting. Since it’s so niche, Chris has worked collaboratively with many people in the industry in our country (non-U.S.). Since it’s a growing industry, he’s also been tapped to teach, including for the university where he got his masters.

The problem is that last year one of his colleagues, Hank, ran a master’s program at the local university and asked Chris to teach a course, throughout which Chris came to understand the program almost didn’t happen due to enrollment being too low to justify the cost. Hank also has a small consulting business for this field. About 50% of the students in the course (all the most recent enrollees) were brand new employees of Hank’s business. Turns out, Hank had employed these new consultants on the condition that they enroll in the year-long master’s program.

Chris has been made aware from one of his former students that none of Hank’s employees have earned enough as consultants to recoup their tuition fees in the year since they graduated, and most of these employees have returned to their former industries. And still, Hank is asking Chris to teach another course for the same program as he has a fresh new crop of bright-eyed consultants to pay the high tuition fees. Chris has turned down the opportunity, citing low bandwidth, but I think he has a greater responsibility to communicate with his contacts higher up in this small university to make them aware of the ethical issue at hand. Chris is more concerned this will hurt him in the long run if Hank finds out he went above his head. How do you think he should handle this situation?

Yes, Chris has a moral and ethical responsibility to tell his contacts there what’s going on. Hank is exploiting his employees to pressure them to enroll in the program that justifies his job; it’s an abuse of power, and it’s something that the university wouldn’t want to be associated with if they knew. You should encourage Chris to think through exactly how this could hurt him if Hank finds out about it. If his fears are warranted, he can ask his contacts to investigate without naming him as the person who provided the initial tip-off.

3. Can I befriend my future coworker’s daughter?

I moved cities six months ago and am working on transferring to the site closer to home. In preparation for my new role, I’ve been meeting with people I will be working with, to start establishing my new working relationships.

Recently I met with “Beth,” who I will be working with closely. Beth seems friendly and competent and we hit it off well. I’m excited to work with her! After our initial meeting, we did some small talk and she told me a bit about her daughter. It sounds like her daughter is around my age and we have some common interests. Also, her daughter’s job is close to where I live and she is considering moving to my suburb.

Can I try to befriend the daughter somehow? Would it be weird or inappropriate to try? Do I need to wait until I’ve been at the new site for a while and have more of a relationship with Beth? Can I just ask for a number or is there a more roundabout way to approach it?

You don’t have a lot to go on here, so I think it would be too much to come out with, “I’d like to have lunch with Jane. Can you connect us?” But you could certainly say, “If Jane is looking for people to talk with about llama grooming (or whatever the mutual interest is), feel free to give her my contact info. I’m still pretty new to the area and would love to meet people who are into llama combing techniques!” Then Beth can decide, based on her knowledge of her daughter (and potentially her feelings about meshing work and family worlds in that way), whether to connect you.

4. Network separately or stick together at conferences?

I recently attended a conference with a majority of my colleagues on a topic marginally applicable to my position (and theirs). I was going to sit with a coworker, but someone I met on the field tour the day before asked me to sit with him and I moved tables. We had good discussions on his projects, and I met four folks I had not met previously.

My question has to do with perception or best practice. The other 16 coworkers stayed in “our” group and sat together, but did mingle during the breaks and the after-hours event. I always think it is better to spread out and meet someone new and learn about how the subject impacts them, so I generally will sit with new people at conferences. My boss said someone asked if I was mad at my colleagues since I didn’t sit with them. Personally, I think my colleagues looked less approachable since they were together. Not everyone is comfortable sitting with strangers (and I am exhausted at the end of my day), so I understand. Professionally, which should happen? What should I do at the next conference (in three months)?

It’s really up to each individual attendee, but a big part of the benefit of conferences is networking so your approach is generally the more useful one. It’s a little odd that your colleagues interpreted that as you being “mad at them,” but if traditionally they’ve all stuck together at conferences, they may see it more as team bonding time than networking time. Maybe before the next one you can mention to them that you see conferences as an opportunity to meet new people in your field, which has been useful in X and Y ways, and so you try to break off from the group and talk to other attendees.

5. Who owns a work journal?

I know that work products created in the course of most regular employment belong to the organization — but what about materials that have to do with work but are entirely individual? I’m thinking of notes or reflections on one’s own performance, written in a paper notebook bought with personal funds but on the subject of work, e.g. self-determined goals, how to improve job performance or satisfaction, and so on. Stuff that feels really personal (like, wouldn’t pass it on to my hypothetical successor, wouldn’t want it to be read by colleagues or boss without redaction) but is created during the work day, related to work experiences but not work products.

Basically, I feel that my work output and experience could both be improved through more reflection and intentional goal- and priority-setting on a more granular level than I get from my boss, but I would be afraid of what I write getting into the wrong hands (though it’s unlikely, as I’d keep my notebook in my bag and we don’t have a snoopy office). But bringing a personal journal to work sounds like a terrible idea! And I would want to keep a record, not write on TP and burn it immediately after.

I feel on a basic moral/logical level that everyone is entitled to an inner world and room for errors, honest unpolished reflection, and at least a tiny bit of privacy, but I don’t think that’s totally true in reality. In practice, I don’t think it’s super likely that my notebook would be intercepted (one reason to stick to paper), but I’m still curious.

Technically under the law, your employer could argue that it belonged to them — because products relating to your work created at work belong to your employer.

But in practice, they’d be very unlikely try; it’s not the sort of thing most managers would have any interest in laying claim to. The worst scenario would be more likely to be someone misunderstanding what was in the notebook, thinking you had notes on clients or projects that someone else could benefit from, and insisting you turn it over when leaving. But you could easily avoid that by taking it home with you before you quit. Other than that, as long as you kept it in your bag, it’s very unlikely to be claimed by your company.