what niche job boards do you use to find job openings? by Alison Green on April 17, 2025 It’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. Today we have two letters, one question. The first: I’m a fed in a (relatively) safe job in a (relatively) safe agency, and while I’m hoping to stay, I am keeping an eye out for other opportunities. But as someone who went straight from academia to the federal government, I realized I don’t know where to look beyond places like LinkedIn or Indeed. I’m sure many job categories have their own niche places to look for job announcements, but how do you find out about them? Maybe people who are looking could say their desired job category in the comments and others could give tips on where to look? For instance, I’m looking at data science, with a focus on data governance. And the second: Several years ago — in May of 2017 — you had a post where you asked your readers to share their favorite niche job boards in their various fields. Since the world has evolved a bit in the years since then, would you consider doing an update to that post and seeing what readers are recommending in various fields at this point? Yes, let’s do it again! What niche job boards do you use and recommend that are specific to your field? (For example, you might recommend I Need a Library Job, if you’re in libraries, or TraverseJobs for political jobs in D.C., and so forth.) Please share in the comments. You may also like:should I apply to jobs I'm not fully qualified for?should I apply for jobs that don’t sound great?my intern asked if my pregnancy was planned, cold-emailing companies about job openings, and more { 59 comments }
I still have to work if I don’t attend team-building, boss has hired my replacement but I’m not ready to leave, and more by Alison Green on April 17, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. If I opt out of team-building activities, I still have to work on those days I work for a small nonprofit with about 25 employees. Recently, we have begun “employee engagement” activities, like visiting local attractions. These activities take place during work hours. We are not forced to participate, but if we choose not to, then we are expected to work while those who do want to participate are basically paid to hang out at a local attraction, restaurant, etc. I don’t enjoy these kinds of group activities, but I’m not trying to keep anyone from going if they wish to. I don’t mind staying at work, but I am expected to cover for another employee (who always chooses to do the engagement activities) instead of being able to do my own work. Am I just a party pooper or is it weird for some employees to be paid to goof off while others are being paid to work? Am I wrong to think I shouldn’t have to cover for someone else when no other employee is expected to do that? I don’t think it’s unreasonable. They’re offering these activities because they believe they serve an organizational purpose: team-building. If you prefer not to participate, you don’t have to (which is actually better than at some organizations, where you’d be expected to attend regardless) — but they’re not going to just give you a day off, because that doesn’t provide any value to the org. That said, if covering for people who aren’t there means you have an unrealistic workload that day, you should talk with your manager about adjusting the expectations to match the staffing on those days. But if it’s more just about being annoyed by the principle of it, you should let it go. 2. My boss has hired my replacement but I’m not ready to leave I am actively looking for a new job and communicated this intent to my bosses as we have an open communication relationship. As is their right, they started to look for my replacement, which they found and have since hired. I am still actively looking for a job and have given no notice of my intended departure date. What are the obligations to me of my current employer given that I have not quit my job and there is someone we are on-boarding right now for my job? For a relationship with open communication, it doesn’t sound like there’s nearly enough communication going on! (Or at least not unless there’s been a lot more discussion of this than what’s in your letter.) You need to talk to your manager and you should do it right away. They may be assuming you’re leaving any day now … or they may assume it’ll be months and figure it’s fine for there to be overlap for that time … or they may be okay with a little overlap but at some point are going to expect you to set a clear end date or will do it for you. When you alerted them that you were planning to leave, they may have jumped the gun — but this is also why it generally doesn’t make sense to alert your boss that you’re job-searching until you’re ready to give notice or at least have a very clear timeline in your head. Your manager should have clarified that with you before they hired a replacement! But it seems like they didn’t, so here we are. Now that this is in motion, they can set your ending date for any time they want, so talk with them ASAP and figure out a plan for what happens next. Be very clear that you don’t have any firm plans, had not intended to give formal notice, and don’t want to leave right away. Ideally they won’t respond to your early heads-up by pushing you out sooner than you want to go … but there’s a risk that’s in progress and so the sooner you figure it out, the better. Related: employee said she was leaving and has been replaced, but now doesn’t know when she is going to leave 3. How to implement a policy I don’t agree with I am the deputy lead for my department. I manage 13 people directly, and two of those people are managers themselves, each with a team of three. The team works a hybrid schedule, with most people choosing to work from home once or twice a week. There are no set days; we have a lot of flexibility. All staff have laptops and other required equipment at home. My company has a policy that when office PCs reach the end of their lifespan, they will not be replaced. Instead, staff will be given a docking station and are expected to use their work laptops at home and in the office. This policy was announced a couple of years ago, but this is a large company (~20,000 staff) and it seems my predecessor did not inform the team at the time as it didn’t impact them. Now I have been told that our office PCs are end of life and we will be getting docking stations soon. My team are livid! For example, those with chronic health conditions can currently choose to work from home if their condition flares up. But if their laptop is in the office, they won’t be able to work from home. They have also questioned what happens during bad weather when they cannot get to the office, but cannot work from home because the laptop is in the office. I have raised this with the department manager and his answer was that they will have to take the laptops home each day and bring them back the next day if working in the office. My team doesn’t want to carry laptops back and forth every day, especially those who walk or cycle. They have raised concerns about whether they are responsible for the equipment on their commute, what happens if it gets broken or stolen, and if they won’t be able to go out and socialize after work as they will be lugging a laptop around. I agree with all these concerns! I have raised them with the manager, who said that staff are responsible for keeping equipment safe. He also said this is company policy and we have to follow it. How do I navigate this when I agree with my staff? What language can I use to say I hear you, I agree with you, but we have no choice? Or should I be taking a difference stance and projecting to the team that I agree wholeheartedly with this? “I agree and I’ve made that argument, but unsuccessfully. So for now this is the policy and we do need to follow it.” You don’t need to pretend you disagree with them, but it’s also not helpful to contribute to people staying in a state of agitation about it. You want more of a middle ground — “it’s not what I would have chosen, but at this point we don’t have the ability to change it, so let’s figure out how to work within it.” (That said, can you at least argue for keeping the PCs until they truly can’t be used anymore? I can’t tell if they’re removing them all when the docking stations arrive, but if they are, that might be a spot where you have room to change things.) Related: how managers should communicate decisions they don’t agree with 4. Fixing grammar and spelling mistakes I’m a leader of a medium-sized team in technology in a large, corporate environment. We’re in the U.S. but for a lot of team members English is their second language. When I see spelling and grammar mistakes in presentations that I’m reviewing, is it better to quickly fix it myself (easy to do and quick, although not the point of why I’m reviewing as I’m more focused on the content) or leave a comment (which feels nitpicky and takes longer but maybe that will help them learn)? Or do nothing? I do not judge their performance based on what is clearly a language barrier, but I also want their writing to be clear and easy to understand for their audience. The main job duties are not writing but in a large company, we make a lot of slides and more so as you move up in leadership. It’s a judgment call. All else being equal, I’d fix it and leave a quick, matter-of-fact note about what you did (like “changed ’there’ to ’their’” or so forth) but if there will be a lot of those sorts of edits in a single document, I’d just fix them all and then include one note with feedback about any common patterns if you saw any and if it seems like it would be helpful. If what you’re reviewing is in a format that allows for something like Track Changes, that’s ideal but not always possible. 5. Companies that don’t provide offer letters I’m interviewing with multiple companies and received a verbal offer via phone call from one company. Typically, I’m used to this being followed up by a formal electronic offer letter. The hiring manager indicated that is not the case, and that the details of the phone call are the offer letter. I mentioned this to another employer who I’m in a last interview round with, and they informed me that this is how it’s done at their company as well. I am very experienced in my field, and I can vouch for the legitimacy of these companies and interviewers. This is the first time I’m working without a formal offer letter since the early 2000s. Have standards changed? Nope, there have always been companies that don’t send written offer letters. It seems strange when you’re used to getting them, but it’s always been a thing. You can absolutely say, “Would it be possible to get the details of the offer — salary, benefits, title, and any other relevant information — in an email so I can look it over and be sure I’m getting all the details correct?” Alternately, you can write that email yourself and send it to them, framing it as, “I just want to summarize the details we’ve discussed.” Related: an employer told me they don’t provide written offers You may also like:my office loves expensive, physically demanding team-building activitieswe had to share our "shadow sides" and "be more vulnerable" at a meetingour fundraiser lets us "pie a manager in the face" { 509 comments }
update: I manage a terrible slob — how can I convince her upset coworker that I’m handling it? by Alison Green on April 16, 2025 Remember the letter-writer who manages a terrible slob and asked how to convince her upset coworker that it’s being handled? Here’s the update. I actually have an update to this situation right now! I appreciated so much of the advice in the comments, as well as yours. I didn’t get much into everything I had done with Sally since my question was really about Susie, but it really did sound like I was blowing off Susie without that additional context! Susie and Sally have separate offices with doors on a large campus. Most of Susie’s work happens on her computer, except for an occasional client meeting (once a week or so, which are not random and always scheduled in advance). Susie’s office is pristine. She has been offered the chance to switch offices to be away from Sally, and we are all permitted to work from home up to three times a week. Susie has refused both options. The nature of Sally’s work is only possible at that office so she is unable to transfer (the tools she needs are only available there). I do work from their office at minimum two times a week to keep an eye on the situation. Truly, I do not understand how the mess grows so large so quickly … it’s impressive and baffling. We work in a creative field, so this isn’t just typical paperwork and office supplies, but paints, tools, etc. I supervise a team of seven, and much of my direct responsibilities need to happen in my office. Between managing the other five people on the team and my own projects, babysitting the mess with Sally is adding quite a bit to my workload. And yes, per my boss, I do drop what I am doing to drive to the other office to clean if needed. The messes are frequent, but I want to make it clear that Susie will still call me crying over a mess that has already been cleaned. The mess could occur and be cleaned up on a Monday, and Susie is still calling me crying about it on a Friday. Along with a load of coaching, feedback, and less formal conversations, Sally has also been written up three times and is now on a PIP. This is the process in my company. My hands were tied by HR, who for some reason have a soft spot for Sally. I am a middle manager and had to go through my supervisor and HR — I don’t actually have the authority to fire anyone. The process was in place, I just had no idea how to professionally convey this information to Susie. I also want to add, Susie is continuously exceeding her goals and has been given a raise recently. Other than her mess, Sally also produces excellent work. Susie and Sally are actually quite good friends and hang out a lot outside of work. Susie recently had a baby and Sally threw a shower. I think that plays into this — Susie is not being completely honest with Sally on how this makes her feel, while also feeling obligated as a friend to help. I’m honestly surprised Sally never shared about the write-ups with Susie because they do seem to discuss everything. Anyway, for the update! Per our company’s policy, Sally was placed on the PIP, which she responded to well. She knew it was coming and has, so far, appreciated the clear direction. Unfortunately, she is dealing with a mental health crisis at the moment, and the problem with the messes really increased after a traumatic event in her life this winter. She is working with a doctor to address this issue at home with her family too, and is going to be looking into some extended time off. We’re working with our HR department to put some formal accommodations in place. She does produce excellent work and is a client favorite. I always wanted to see her succeed! As for Susie, she did actually catch on that my boss and I were actively addressing the situation with Sally because another coworker pointed it out (“don’t you notice that she has twice as many meetings with Sally as anyone else, and she comes out here multiple times a week, and continuously has HR check-ins on her calendar?”) I’m a little grateful that other team member pointed out what I was trying to allude to. Now that Sally has been more up-front about her personal situation, Susie has apologized to both Sally and I for responding with such anger. She and I have developed a system where she sends me a message on Teams that says “please come to our office today” if a mess needs to be addressed. She, thankfully, is starting to stop cleaning up after Sally and letting me know before it gets too bad so I can assist Sally with getting it cleaned up herself. Another great update — my boss voiced to me that she made a mistake by not escalating this to HR faster, and she has made a plan to spend more time at Sally’s office to help her address the ongoing mess. I appreciate the advice from you and read your site often! Thank you for what you do! You may also like:I manage a terrible slob -- how can I convince her upset coworker that I'm handling it?my coworker is dating a convicted pedophilemy coworker says I bullied her ... should I tell her boss she needs more of a backbone? { 233 comments }
how should I respond to networkers seeking help I can’t offer? by Alison Green on April 16, 2025 A reader writes: I am one of the lucky few who have not been greatly affected by layoffs in my region. While I am working from home, I am still working. I work in an industry that is fairly well insulated, considering the circumstances. I have a friend who has been laid off from their job in a very different field. This friend emailed me the other day asking me if I had any leads on jobs that they could apply to. The only person I know in a field anywhere close to theirs is in the same position, laying off workers. I have no idea what to say to this person in response. Can you help? I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here. Other questions I’m answering there today include: Rejecting a candidate due to our past personal history My employee tells us way more than we need about his schedule Colleague cc’s herself on every email she sends You may also like:how do I network without being too transactional?does posting sob stories on LinkedIn hurt your job search?I agreed to help a student with a grad school project ... it's gone badly { 65 comments }
our Gen Z employees want to be coddled and are struggling with the realities of work by Alison Green on April 16, 2025 A reader writes: As a millennial (I’m 40) who spent years being mocked and maligned for enjoying avocado toast, I’m averse to generational generalizations. That said, I’m a manager in a large finance company struggling with how to motivate and manage our youngest employees. Our company is typical for finance; buttoned up, long-ish hours, high expectations. We have thousands of employees who range in age from early 20s to 70s. The early career employees we’ve hired since the pandemic are … different. Our company was quick to recognize that, because these employees started their careers when everything was remote (and in some cases had a remote college education), they would be behind the curve in terms of professionalism and business norms, and we tried to adapt by providing more training and more support. But we’re now five years out, and a significant segment of this cohort continues to struggle. In the last year, I found myself managing seven employees between the ages of 20 and 27. They are chronically disgruntled. I work hard to be fair, compassionate, and supportive while also maintaining the high standard of performance common to our company. But members of this group always seem to be grumbling about how they are treated unfairly. I have been accused of “humiliating” someone by asking a routine follow-up question to a report they gave to a meeting. They have a group chat where they complain about myself and my higher-ups being cruel and inhumane because we ask them to arrive at the office by 8 am (standard expectation in our field), correct their mistakes, and ask them to take on new challenges. I’m mean because I ask them to redo work that was below par. They talk constantly of quitting. One of them applied for a mental health leave because the job was too stressful (I hasten to add that this person had the fewest responsibilities and the easiest job on the team, never worked late, and is one of the higher paid people at her level). Sometimes they complain to management, but more often they complain to each other, and the venting turns into an echo chamber of toxicity that drags morale. We are paid VERY well for our industry, but they frequently complain they aren’t being paid enough. Because I have no power to give them money, I often ask what else I can do to make their jobs more fulfilling and help them to do their jobs well. They don’t know. I feel that we’ve coddled this group of employees too much. They are less productive than their older peers and yet ask for much more. The person responsible for recruiting them has aggressively encouraged managers to treat this cohort with kid gloves because the pandemic stunted their development. But what I’m seeing is that some of these people will simply not last in this organization unless they adapt to our culture, and may not have thriving careers in this industry at all. What can we do differently with employees we hire from here on out, and is there a way to change the course for the ones who are already here but unhappy and struggling? ( I should add that they are, for the most part, smart and well qualified to do their jobs. They have lots of potential, but are just deeply unhappy and seemingly unwillingly to adapt to the conventions working world.) The best thing you can do is to be very, very up-front about the norms of the working world, the norms of your field, and what will and won’t change if they choose to stay in their jobs. That means conversations like: * “I’m sorry to hear you felt humiliated when I asked you about X in the Y meeting. My intent is never to make you feel that way. I want to be up-front with you that it’s a core expectation in this role that when you present at meetings, you will be asked follow-up questions and need to be prepared to answer them. We can definitely work on those skills together and can talk about things like how to handle it if you’re asked a question that you’re not sure of the answer to. I’d be happy to do that kind of coaching with you! But it will always be an expectation of this job, and of most jobs in our fields (as well as many outside of it), so it’s something you need to decide if you’re up for.” * “Our team is paid very well for our industry, well above the field’s average, and I want to be up-front with you that our salary ranges aren’t going to go any higher. If there are other ideas you have for rewarding good work, I’m very open to hearing them. But I also want you to have the info you need to make good decisions for yourself and, realistically, if you’re seeking a raise to $X, that’s not something that will happen in this job. I of course understand if that means you decide it’s not the right position for you.” * “An 8 am start time is standard in our industry because of ___ (reasons). I want to be up-front with you that it’s not going to change; it’s an expectation you’ll continue to be held to while you’re here. If that means it’s not the right job for you, I of course understand.” * “You’ve sounded upset when I’ve sent you edits recently. It’s very normal in our jobs, and in most jobs, to receive feedback on your work, and you should always expect that will happen when you turn in work. That feedback is part of how you’ll get better and better at what you do, and how you’ll gain the skills to move into higher-level work. I want to be transparent that handling feedback professionally is essential to succeeding in your job here.” You could add, “That will almost certainly be the case anywhere you go.” * “You’ve brought up X repeatedly, and I’ve told you what you realistically can and can’t expect. Continuing to raise it is becoming disruptive to our work, so at this point I need you to decide whether you can stay reasonably happily under these circumstances or can’t. If you can’t, I of course understand and we can plan for a transition out. But we can’t keep having this debate over and over.” In other words … stop coddling. Don’t be unkind, but be direct. Direct is kinder in the long-run anyway. You could also look at whether there are ways to pair some of them one-on-one with more experienced colleagues so that they’re not just being exposed to their peer group echo chamber. Can you find opportunities for them to work more closely with senior coworkers so they’re exposed to different perspectives, priorities, and norms? (I’d look particularly at pairing them with people just a little ahead of them in their careers, who they’ll likely be more able to relate to than someone much further along.) The group chat is almost certainly making this all far worse than it would be otherwise, but you can’t prohibit that without looking (and being) wildly heavy-handed, so instead be very deliberate about finding ways to broaden the perspectives they’re exposed to. There’s also a conversation that needs to be had with the person who’s recruiting them and encouraging managers to treat them so delicately. Ideally, you and other managers should be pointing out to that person that the best way to support this cohort is to (kindly) help them adjust to the work world, not to let them go on believing it’s something it’s not. (I’d also look at how much power, if any, that person has to dictate how you manage your team. If they don’t have any, it’s still worth pointing this stuff out, but then you should feel free to simply proceed the way you want — but it will also help to get other managers on board with that plan.) There also might be some meaningful work you can do on this when employees in this age group are first hired. I’d be interested to see if it would help to spell out to new hires very explicitly, “We’ve found recent grads have struggled with X and Y, and we want to be candid about the norms in this field and the working world generally, so that you’re not coming in expecting things to work one way and then being blindsided by it being different.” But really, the kindest action here is to lay out how things work, without judgment on them for wanting something different. The basic stance is, “Let me tell you what you can and can’t expect from this job so you can make good decisions for yourself about whether it’s right for you.” You may also like:my boss is obsessed with treating me like a millennialmy younger employee doesn’t know professional normshow do I avoid "mom energy" with my younger employees? { 777 comments }
my boss is my boyfriend and won’t give me a day off, coworker asked my employee to hide info from me, and more by Alison Green on April 16, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My boss is my boyfriend and won’t give me a day off The owner of the restaurant where I work is my boyfriend and the general manager. I asked for a day off a month ahead of when I needed it off. It’s on Mother’s Day and, yes, it is one of the busiest days of the year. But I have worked there for three years and never took a day off, unless he wanted us to go on a vacation. He recently hired someone two weeks ago and promised her Mother’s Day off because it’s her birthday. I have missed out on so so many things in the past three years because he needed me to work. I am loyal and I want to help him out, and I generally don’t complain. This one time I do and he acts like I’m the worst person ever and how dare I. I’ll lose hours and maybe even my place where we live together if I do take it off. I feel like I live one life and I feel like he is just treating me like a body there, like I’m replaceable, and he keeps on working me to the bone but refuses to see it in my way at all. It’s just unfair and I don’t know if I should quit or just firmly say I’m taking the day off. Consider leaving both the job and the relationship. It’s true that in the restaurant business, it’s hard to get days like Mother’s Day off; that’s part of the job. But if he’s offered that day off to a brand new hire, while not giving you any days of your choosing for three years, there’s a problem here, with both the job and the boyfriend. And it sounds like you think that if you take the day off anyway, that itself could jeopardize your relationship (“I’ll maybe lose the place where we live”)? Start thinking seriously about what’s keeping you in both these entanglements (the job and the man), and at a minimum start trying to separate them out from each other. It might get a lot easier to clearly see the state of the relationship if you’re no longer working together. 2. Our boss is MIA I work at a small nonprofit. I have one supervisor above me, Jill, who is managed by our executive director, Sara. Sara is a great person and has been very open about having some family and health challenges in the past couple years. Since I joined the org a few years ago, she has gone from an engaged and effective leader to a totally absentee boss. We don’t have anyone on staff to handle HR issues or approve payments for needed supplies, which means we often end up spinning our wheels while we wait for her. Emails go unacknowledged. I’ve learned to contact her exclusively by personal cell, and those messages are often ignored until it becomes a crisis. She does not attend staff meetings or communicate with the staff broadly. Jill doesn’t have the tools and skills to run the org. We have talked about contacting the board directly but are concerned about a blow-up. Sara is close with the board president and we are worried about being seen an insubordinate or untrustworthy. I feel demoralized. I care about the mission but I am worried about our reputation in the community and our ability to maintain funding if our leader continues to be unresponsive. I feel that if a lower-ranking staff person was this inaccessible or unreliable, they would have been fired a long time ago. Not to make this break-up day, but you should consider getting out. In a small organization, having an absentee leader when no one can step in and run things in their absence is unworkable. It means the organization won’t accomplish nearly what it should be (hugely problematic if you’re a mission-driven nonprofit) and your job will be a constant exercise in frustration. That said, if you want to try to determine if this is solvable first, the right move is for someone (probably Jill more than you, or someone else senior or who has good rapport with Sara) to have a heart-to-heart with Sara where they lay out the impact her absence is having and the need for someone to handle the things that she’s not. If that’s already been attempted and you haven’t seen meaningful changes, that’s your answer. But if no one has tried that yet, it’s time; Sara may not realize how bad things are, and it’s a service to her and to the organization for someone to spell it out. That’s especially true if someone might eventually go to the board; you want to be able to say you’ve tried talking to Sara directly first. For what it’s worth, this is the sort of thing the board should hear about — and it’s not insubordinate or untrustworthy to bring them issues this serious, especially after you’ve tried to resolve the problems with Sara directly first. The bar for staff contacting the board should be pretty high, but what you’ve described meets it. 3. My colleague asked my employee to hide information from me A colleague just asked my employees to keep secrets from their supervisors, and I’m not sure how to address it. This colleague and I are both at the director level and are still fairly new in our positions (within the last year), but as he is an attorney (and much older man), he is paid nearly as much as our CEO and is generally deferred to by people throughout the organization. Last week, while I was out of town, he approached one of the entry-level staff members on my team, Jane, and asked her for some information on behalf of one of our board members. None of the information was confidential by any means, but for some reason he specifically directed Jane not to tell her division head or me, the department director. She did as she was told. The requested information was related to a situation that blew up yesterday, and both the division head and I were caught off guard. When the division head and I were trying to address the situation, Jane told her direct supervisor what had happened with the attorney and how uncomfortable that made her. (My team is well-known throughout the organization as being very tight-knit and supportive of one another.) The supervisor then reported the attorney’s actions to the division head, who told me. This is obviously unacceptable, but I’m not sure the best way to handle this. How do I protect my staff, prevent this from happening again, and restore my team’s trust? There are times when a higher-up might need someone junior to pull specific information without talking about the request with others, when the situation is sensitive and they’re trying to avoid gossip (for example, during an investigation into potential wrongdoing, or financial info that could lead to job cuts). So this hinges on whether there were legitimate reasons for asking Jane to keep the request confidential or not. If there weren’t, then this is a conversation with the other director about not putting your staff in that position unless there’s a clear need for confidentiality, and it’s a conversation with your team about what to do if they’re asked to keep something confidential (which should include who is in a position to make those requests of them, and what steps they should take if they’re uncomfortable with something they’ve been asked for). 4. We’re supposed to have a team meeting to discuss feedback for our boss I’m on a team of about half a dozen people supervised by Barnaby. We all have regular but infrequent skip-level meetings with Barnaby’s boss, Calvin. It sounds like people have mentioned to Calvin in the skip-level meetings that Barnaby is not approachable. He passed that feedback on to Barnaby, and Barnaby asked one of my peers, Alfred, to organize a team discussion to gather more details on where that’s coming from and what he can do to be more approachable. Barnaby will not be at the meeting. Alfred will moderate and provide an anonymized summary of the takeaways back to Barnaby afterwards. I’m not clear whether this meeting was Calvin’s suggestion or Barnaby’s idea or whether Calvin knows it’s happening. I trust Alfred’s judgment and believe he will do his best to get good feedback and actually anonymize it, and I have no reason to believe that anyone else on the team would feel differently. But … this is kind of weird, right? I guess I empathize with Barnaby that it’s tough to get nebulous negative feedback and I understand why he’d want to involve the team in figuring out what specific actions he should take to improve communication. And I’m willing to give him benefit of the doubt that he’s doing this in addition to self-reflection/talking to peers for advice/asking Calvin for details or suggestions. But it still feels like it puts the team (and especially Alfred) in an awkward position, and it almost feels like it could be a prelude to discounting the feedback, like if people can’t provide (or don’t want to share with the whole team) enough specific examples of times he was unapproachable then he can write the whole thing off as unfounded? Is this a smart way to approach an inherently awkward situation, or is somebody falling down on the job here? It’s a little weird, but it’s not necessarily a terrible idea if people generally trust Barnaby and Alfred. If either of them isn’t trusted, the whole thing falls apart — people won’t give candid feedback, and there’s no point. But if people trust them both to act with integrity, and also trust Barnaby not to react poorly to honest feedback even if it’s uncomfortable to hear, I can see where this came from: since if the issue is that people don’t find Barnaby approachable, he’s not well-positioned to get candid info from people himself. That said, my first choice would be to have Calvin lead these conversations, not put it on Alfred … but I can also imagine someone thinking people will be more candid when speaking in a group of peers without their boss’s boss there. So much of this depends on really specific group dynamics that it’s hard to give a general ruling — but I don’t think it’s inherently bananas. 5. As a manager, when do I need to announce my pregnancy to my team? I am a very newly promoted (two months) manager leading a team that I used to be a high performer on for several years. I think my team is awesome, I’m trying to build credibility as a leader, and the transition is going about as well as it can. I am also three months pregnant with my first child (I found out literally three days after accepting the promotion), and I’m wondering what my obligation to my team is regarding when to notify them of my upcoming maternity leave. I should also point out that I’m in a male-dominated workplace and I am the only woman on my team. I know your previous advice states to let your coworkers know whenever you are comfortable sharing, but waiting to tell my team after the 20-week scan feels too late. I handle some of the workload of the team as well, and there will likely be issues with coverage while I’m out, and that’s probably where I’m feeling this sense of obligation from. I am going to manage this as best I can through cross-training in advance, but this will largely be unavoidable. What do you think? As a manager, do I have an obligation to disclose my pregnancy to my team earlier when my absence will impact them? Waiting for the 20-week scan is not unreasonably long. That still leaves you four or more months for your team to prepare for your leave, which is significantly longer than people get with many other types of medical leave. If this is the disclosure timeline you’re comfortable with, use it; it’s not an uncommon one to see. You may also like:my boss is coming back after going AWOL for 2 yearsthe bad acid deal, the abusive boyfriend, and the threatening coworkermy mysterious boss disappears for hours and can't be reached { 233 comments }
my coworker makes absolutely everything about herself by Alison Green on April 15, 2025 A reader writes: I work in a department of nine people. We all get along well, but I’m struggling with how to handle my frustrations with my colleague, Margo. Margo is possibly the most well-intentioned person I’ve ever met, but she has the infuriating habit of bringing every conversation back to herself to explain how she understands or has been through the same thing. This week, the transmission in my car died. When I was lamenting to the group that I was now facing the financial hardship of either repairing it or buying a new car, Margo told me, “I get it. I just had to buy brand new tires for my car.” A month ago, a colleague’s father passed away and Margo told her, “I’m sorry. I know just how you feel. My dad had Covid last year.” He had a mild case and recovered quickly. When a colleague was dealing with pain related to her cancer treatments, Margo expressed her concern and then shared that she totally got it because she has foot problems. The parents in the group try not to talk too much about our children because not everyone in the department is a parent, but when the subject comes up, Margo knows exactly what we’re going through because she has a nephew … who lives on the other side of the country. Margo truly doesn’t mean harm with these statements but the way she minimizes others’ ordeals by comparing them to her own is frustrating. Is there a way to politely let her know that simply saying she’s sorry is preferable to bringing everything back to herself? I would love to know whether Margo is trying to one-up people — or at least equate her struggles to their own — or whether she’s truly trying to empathize and just doing a terrible job of it. Either way, this is the kind of feedback a manager is best positioned to address. That doesn’t mean you can’t try it yourself, but as not her manager you might be better off just addressing it in the moment when it’s particularly egregious. If she compares a stubbed toe to a coworker having cancer treatments, there’s no reason you can’t say, “I don’t think those are really comparable.” Also, if you have a pretty good rapport with her, you might be able to take her aside privately and say something like, “I know you didn’t mean it this way, but it sounded like you were comparing your stubbed toe to Jane’s cancer, and a couple of days ago you compared a parent with a mild case of Covid to Falcon’s parent who died. I know you didn’t mean to minimize either situation, but I don’t think those comments are landing the way you intended. I wanted to mention it since I know you’d never want to hurt someone’s feelings.” Will it work? Maybe, maybe not. If you say the above and nothing changes, you probably just need to decide that this is what Margo does and internally roll your eyes when it happens (or hell, bluntly reply “not the same thing!” when you’re inspired to). But it’s worth a shot, and if she’s really as well-intentioned as you say, she might be grateful for the heads-up. You may also like:my coworker keeps butting into my conversations with higher-upsmy coworker rejects any ideas that aren't her own, then suggests them herselfmy coworker responds to all problems with "at least you don't have cancer or an eating disorder" { 303 comments }
my company only lets parents work from home by Alison Green on April 15, 2025 A reader writes: I work at a company that is entirely in-office — they really push “office culture.” I knew that when I started a year and a half ago, but working from home isn’t a priority for me so it hasn’t been a big deal. It’s a fairly small organization, around 50 employees in my office, and they frequently tout being a “family company.” I noticed that my boss was working from home several days a month for various reasons – she had a migraine, her kids were out of school, etc. She’s on the executive level so I didn’t pay much attention to it, as I know executives get special privileges. Then I noticed non-executive employees were being given work-from-home privileges when their kids were sick or when school or daycare was cancelled, and I thought maybe I had misunderstood the policy and that work-from-home was an option in extenuating circumstances but not a regular thing. Last summer, I was having emergency repair work done on my home and, as I live alone, I asked if I could work from home since I had no one else to be at my house. My boss told me that my company doesn’t allow working from home, but then she worked from home the following two weeks because her kids were on summer break and she had no child care lined up. Earlier this year, we had a snowstorm that cancelled school for a few days and many employees worked from home because their kids didn’t have school or daycare, but employees without kids were not given the work-from-home option. And this week, three of the four employees in my area have worked from home at least one day due to sick children, appointments for their kids, or daycare issues. I am dealing with an issue that affects my ability to drive but not my ability to work, and I was told I have to either come into the office or use my sick leave because working from home isn’t an option. I am one of maybe five employees in my office who doesn’t have kids and I don’t know how to go about addressing this. Being a “family company” is great for people with families but seems almost discriminatory against people who don’t. How can you permit people with children to work from home but not people without children? Is this even allowed? HR is fully on board with this so I don’t know what I can do, if anything. You can read my answer to this letter at New York Magazine today. Head over there to read it. You may also like:my “on-site” coworker is never on-sitedo I need to keep covering a remote employee's work?I'm in trouble for not answering a midnight phone call ... for a non-emergency "emergency" { 220 comments }
work trainers are pushing us to share race, religion, sexuality, and gender identity by Alison Green on April 15, 2025 A reader writes: I keep finding myself in this weird situation at work. I’m a medical resident in an academic hospital system in a big progressive city. I keep finding myself in mandatory educational events where the facilitator introduces the concept of privilege as if no one’s ever heard of it and invites/demands everyone to share their privilege/lack thereof. Real examples: “Let’s all reflect on our positionality, and then go around the room. I’m Dr. LastName. As you know, I’m the head of this department. I’m the child of South Asian immigrants, and I’m able-bodied. I live with my wife and children. Your turn!” and, “I invite you to turn to your colleagues — preferably someone you don’t know — and introduce yourself in a way you never have before, considering some of the identities on this wheel of privilege.” I was in the same room as everyone else in my small program, my program director, and six other attending physicians who regularly evaluate me. It feels screamingly obvious to me that this is inappropriate. Are we … supposed to out ourselves? Are we supposed to out each other? Is this a therapy session that no one consented to? It’s like there’s this shared nonsensical belief that just because we’re all “progressive” that makes this a “safe space” and suddenly it’s no longer harassment to demand information about your colleagues’ sexuality, religion, or gender identity. Please, PLEASE tell me there are magic words to get this to stop. So far, I’ve tried saying things like, “Thank you, this is so important to reflect on, and this certainly isn’t the first time it’s come up. My name is Name, and I’m a fifth-year resident here at East University. I studied Basket Weaving at North University and did medical school at West University,” which results in awkward silence but at least then my peers feel empowered to do the same instead of introducing themselves as a collection of privileges and marginalizations. I’ve also tried, “You know, I’m reflecting on what’s appropriate to share with colleagues, and the importance of appropriate boundaries.” Both have resulted in disappointment from the facilitator and further boundary-pushing. HELP! Yeah, this is inappropriately invasive. I get that they’re trying to get you to reflect on areas of privilege or potential lack of privilege and to consider how different aspects of a person’s identity can intersect to create a more complex experience, but there are ways to do that that don’t push people to share information they may not be comfortable sharing in a work setting. Your trainers might argue that you only need to share things you’re comfortable with — but given the way they respond when you attempt to do that, that doesn’t seem to be true. You could try saying this: “I appreciate the point that’s being made about intersectionality, and I also think it’s important that people not be pushed to out themselves in ways they’d prefer not to, particularly in a professional context. So I’m going to stick with the things you can see about me and a few other basics, and hope that gives other people permission to do the same if they choose to.” But I would also push back hard on this in course evaluations if they do them, and possibly to whoever coordinates these trainings to begin with. Point out that demanding this kind of sharing will put people, particularly people with marginalized identities, in a position of vulnerability and risks opening them up to discrimination — an outcome that’s presumably directly the opposite of these sessions’ goals — and that no one should feel pressured into unwanted exposure at a work training. You may also like:is using your PTO a "privilege"?my male boss won't have closed-door meetings with me because he's marriedhow do I handle questions about my religion at work meetings? { 438 comments }
coworker is making our friend break-up really weird, LinkedIn sob stories, and more by Alison Green on April 15, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My coworker is making our friend break-up really weird I have a coworker who I was friends with outside of work for about a year. Due to various issues inside and outside of work (complaining about coworkers over Teams, asking the same basic questions over and over, not doing any bare-minimum problem-solving before asking for help, expecting a lot of emotional support while not providing it back, and just a lot of emotional immaturity), I ended our friendship last July with no possibility of being friends again. We’re in the same department and have almost identical schedules, so we still have to interact every day. Our managers are aware we were friends and I had issues with him, though I protected him maybe more than I should have and didn’t say anything about his complaining about coworkers. I had one issue with him right after ending the friendship where he was monitoring my breaks and tried to confront me on Teams. I went to management about it and haven’t had any other similar issues. He does still act really weird around me, though. He won’t make eye contact, he flinches when he sees me and doesn’t expect to or shrinks up when he walks past me like he’s expecting me to lash out, and will only talk to me over Teams, even to say thanks for helping him with something. He’s asked another coworker how to “get over his fear of another coworker.” I’ve never threatened him or even raised my voice at him. Right before I ended the friendship I snapped at him once and was irritable with him, but I’ve never been particularly mean and since ending the friendship I’ve been professional, though not very warm. I assume he’s scared that I’ll try to get him fired since I know he’s particularly anxious about that (asking me for constant reassurance about any judgment call or small mistake was one of my big issues with him). I’ve just been kind of rolling my eyes internally at his behavior, but it’s been months and it’s getting old. His communication with me is pretty inefficient, but overall it doesn’t hinder my work that much and seemingly vice versa. I don’t avoid any of my job duties that involve interacting with him. However, whenever something comes up in our work where he needs to be corrected, I don’t feel like I can go to him directly (I don’t supervise him but I outrank him and there are forms he sometimes has to fill out that go to me). When I was friends with him, if I asked him to communicate with me differently or set some kind of boundary, it would just make him more nervous and he would either avoid me or ask for more reassurance. I don’t really think that asking him to act normal around me will help. Is there anything I can really do at this point? Or do I just have to accept this as part of the job now? It doesn’t sounds like there’s anything you need to do (or could do, for that matter). In fact, this is a situation where, if you let it, the burden can be all on your coworker’s side. He’s the one feeling weird and anxious and flinching when he sees you … but you can just carry on as usual and let him feel however he’s going to feel about that. I know that’s easier said than done — when someone is reacting to you like this it’s hard not to think you have to modify your own behavior in some way — but you actually don’t! You can operate completely normally. For example, if you need to give him feedback, give him feedback. If he has feelings about that, so be it. As long as he’s not getting in the way of you doing your job, the best approach is to just decline to tiptoe around whatever is going on with him. If it does get to the point where it’s affecting your work or his, that’ something you’d need to raise with his manager. But otherwise, operate the way you normally would and let him deal with that however he’s going to deal with it. 2. My job is really flexible but it also sucks — is it time to go? I work remotely for a very small federally funded nonprofit, in a position that’s a step below my skillset and pay grade, with no upward mobility. I started it two years ago when I was desperate to find anything while unemployed. It’s not challenging or interesting, but I’ve really liked the people I worked under and the company’s mission, and I can perform most of the functions in my sleep. The hours are flexible enough that so long as I’m available 10 to 6, it doesn’t matter if I don’t log in right on the hour or a little later, or take time during the day to run a short errand. I’ve been content to hang around however long they needed me, even though I’ve been bored out of my skull and could really use a pay bump. My wife makes enough that we aren’t in the hole every paycheck, but only just barely — we have no savings. In the past few months, both people I’d been working under have left, and this has resulted in a culture shift. I still have some of the same flexibility as before, but the new department head has a more traditional management and communication style than I’m used to. I’ve gone from communicating mostly through Slack and email to getting phone calls out of the blue and my days filled with Zoom meetings, and I’m shocked at how miserable even that shift is making me. I’ve also been feeling overly scrutinized, any questions I have are met with condescension and the implication I should know the answer already, and today I was given a new duty that is way out of my skillset that I would have never in a million years signed up to do (and when I voiced my discomfort I was told, “You just have to practice and you’ll get good at it”). I have a feeling it might be time to move on and find something more along my desired career path — but when I brought it up to my wife, the idea of potentially disrupting our fragile financial stability by changing jobs really freaked her out, so I don’t have anyone to bounce my thoughts off of. (Not to mention any time now the DOGE axe could fall on our only funding source, and then the decision will be made for me.) I’ve been pretty spoiled with how easy and flexible this job has been so far, even with all the changes. What if all the things I’m starting to hate at my current job are just what I’d be dealing with at the next job anyway? I have no official educational background in my field (just experience), some major knowledge gaps, and am very out of practice after languishing for two years. Do I really want to leave my organization in the lurch and run all the risks that taking a new job entails … for a position I may not even be good at anymore? What if the job I have now is the best I could hope for? Do I suck it up and deal with these changes in exchange for flexibility and a light mental load? Or do I strike out for greener pastures and risk falling on my face in cow dung? You should job search. The reasons you’ve stayed in a job that’s below your qualifications and doesn’t pay enough are now disappearing, so the calculus on this job doesn’t makes sense anymore. Moreover, since your job’s funding is now precarious, it would make sense to be looking around at options in case you need them even if you were still super happy with the work and the people. Which you’re not. Job-searching doesn’t commit you to taking a new job just because it’s offered to you. You can be picky, you can ask probing questions about their culture, and you can do your due diligence to ensure that move is right for you. But given all you described, it would be foolish not to start looking. 3. Reaching out to very old work contacts when I have a serious diagnosis I’m finishing up treatment for my second cancer in five years. This second (completely different) cancer has a high chance of recurrence in the next two years. So while I’m gaining energy and feeling grateful for still living on the planet, I’m also thinking about some past work colleagues. Fortunately, I’ve enjoyed a wonderful 40-year career with some fantastic people who have made a real difference in my life. I would like to reach out to them, somehow. For the more recent folks in the past 10-15 years or so, I have email addresses and could use this to contact them. Do I just say something like, “Thanks for the impact you’ve had on my life. You have been special to me”? Is this too weird? Too sentimental? The majority of these people have no idea of my fight against cancer. For the more distant people, from 25-35 years ago, I do not have email addresses. I could possibly figure out mail addresses and send a hard copy letter. Most are retired now. I have not been in contact with some of them for many years. Should I drop off this section of people, as long out of touch colleagues? If not, should I preface a letter with more info, like my career timeline, since I’ve likely not connected with these folks for a few decades? Is it still too weird to reach out to long-lost contacts to say how they improved my work life a long time ago? I’ve toyed with the idea of hosting a happy hour/afternoon tea for work colleagues and inviting anyone I could contact. I could end the email or letter with this invite. Again, this means people I’ve not been in touch with for at least 10 and possibly 25-30 years. I did not get the opportunity to have a retirement party when I stopped working, so I think that is part of it. I would like to say good bye to these people, but I don’t want to seem morbid or too odd. Your thoughts? I think contacting any or all of them with a message about the impact they’ve had on your life and/or career would be lovely! You don’t need to explain your health situation, although you can if you want to. You don’t need to include a career timeline for the longer-ago people who won’t know it; you’re not writing to update them on what you’ve done in the last couple of decades, but to tell them about the impact they had on you. (Some of the career timeline stuff might come up organically in doing that, but don’t feel you need to provide your job history just for the sake of catching them up.) That said, if it will take detective work to track down addresses, it might be more practical to leave those people out — but it depends on how strongly you feel about the impact they had on you. A happy hour or tea is also a nice idea if a lot of the people are local to you. I would probably get back in touch with people first, partly to gauge potential interest, but I don’t think you have to do that first. 4. Do LinkedIn sob stories turn off hiring managers? Do LinkedIn sob stories turn hiring managers off? I keep seeing very emotional posts on LinkedIn as people talk of their desperate job searches, mortgages to pay, mouths to feed, with not even a whiff of an interview, despite searching day after day. As someone who hires people for my own team, I can’t help but think such vulnerability is counterintuitive. Rather than appear as an emotional wreck burnt out from months of fruitless applying, surely it’s more important than ever to keep the game face on and sell your skills with composure. I want to know (or at least believe) you are ready to hit the ground running, as well as that you want the position I’m offering (not just any job that comes available). I want to hire you because you’re the best person for the job, not because you are about to lose your house. This isn’t about being cold and callous but, rather, when times are tough, don’t do anything to work further against you. There are other private platforms to vent and fret if needs be. Yes, this is much more likely to hurt someone’s job search than to help it. Employers want to hire the best person for the job, not the person most in need of it, and candidates who appear bitter, pessimistic, or cynical are making themselves much less appealing. And that’s before we get into making employers worry that there’s some reason that all those other employers have passed on you. (That doesn’t mean there is! But it’s not helpful to raise that question.) It can also make you look like you have poor boundaries regarding what you share online and where you share it. Yes, this job market sucks and it’s demoralizing to apply for months without getting anywhere, and being unemployed can be incredibly scary and understandably makes people feel desperate. But LinkedIn is not the platform to talk about that; it’s a place to put your best professional foot forward. Related: does posting sob stories on LinkedIn hurt your job search? 5. Should my company fly my family to see me during an international assignment? My company would like me to work in our office in Europe for six months (I am normally based in the U.S.). As part of this, I asked that they cover airfare for my wife and son, since they will need to accompany me (spending six months apart is not in the cards). My company is refusing to cover their airfare. I find this kind of insulting, but I’m wondering if I’m off-base here. Is it common for companies to cover travel expenses for family members on assignments like this? Some companies do cover travel expenses for spouses and children when you’re on a long-term assignment, but many don’t. Often if they do, the assignment needs to be over a certain period of time (six months is right around the time you often see it kick in, if it’s going to). But I don’t think it’s particularly insulting if it’s not something they do; many companies don’t. That said, if you have flexibility in whether you go or not, you could try making it clear that your ability to accept the assignment would hinge on this. Alternately, would they pay for you to fly back home a couple of times during that six-month period, instead of flying your family out to you? You may also like:my older male manager sent me a middle-of-the-night Snapchat requestI hired a friend and it's not going wellmy friend is angry that I can't help more in her job search { 367 comments }