employee wants more praise but he’s not doing a good job, nosy coworker, and more

by Alison Green on November 1, 2022

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employee wants more praise but he’s not doing a good job

I have a fairly new (six months) direct report who is not performing up to expectations but is still making progress and I am hopeful will ultimately be able to be successful in the role. One problem we are having, though, is feedback. He does get a lot of feedback on things he needs to improve on, which he listens to in the moment, but then he complains about to his coworkers that I was too harsh and he will avoid me the rest of the day sometimes. (I will admit that I have gotten pretty direct with him because he was not hearing what I was saying when I softened things.) Now he has complained to my boss that I have not been giving him enough positive feedback or praise. He said he has only gotten a “good job” twice in his short tenure. I honestly don’t know if that’s true but I would believe it is because his work simply does not warrant praise. He is barely meeting the basic job requirements most of the time and doesn’t always get there even. I do say thank you when he turns things in and I tell him when his work is correct but I don’t really praise him for doing the most basic parts of his job in the most basic manner and barely within the time frame required. Should I be praising him for that?

If you’ve only said something positive to him twice in six months of employment, while having lots of things to criticize, then either he really isn’t right for the job and you need to let him go or, yeah, you’re not giving him enough positive feedback.

I have trouble believing that you can’t find anything to praise in someone who is making progress and who you think will ultimately be successful in the job! Those are good things, and you should be able to find positive things to say about them. You don’t need to praise him for doing the basics like turning things in on time, but there’s something that’s making you think he’ll eventually do well in the job, right? Look for those things and tell him what they are. When you see progress, give positive feedback about that. If there’s really nothing in that category, then this isn’t someone you should be keeping in the job … but it sounds more likely that you’re not seeing the things you could be offering genuine praise for.

The thing to remember is that when all someone hears from you is criticism, that’s extremely demoralizing. People need to hear that you see the good things too, that they’re not complete failures in your eyes, and that their efforts are appreciated. If there’s only negative feedback, the relationship will become adversarial and he’ll lose trust in you and interest in the job. It sounds like you either need to recalibrate your feedback or reexamine whether he really can do the job.

2. My nosy coworker is too interested in my house sale

I have always considered myself a very private person when at work. I did not make a big deal when I got engaged or when we bought a new vehicle (when others can’t wait to share). I rarely share much of my personal life at work, with the exception of a few coworkers.

My husband and I recently bought a new house and listed our house with a realtor — super exciting and stressful for us! We kept the news of our new house limited to our immediate family and close friends and did not make a big deal about listing our house — no Facebook shares, talking about it, etc. This past Monday, a coworker who I do not have regular interactions or meaningful conversation with came to me saying, “I recognized your address and see your house is for sale!” This is not the first time she has referred to my house in conversation. I have never disclosed my address to her, only the general area of our neighborhood. She went on to comment about our house, asked how many showings we’ve had, and said her son would love to buy it, but it’s out of his price range. Two days later, she stopped by my office and said, “I see your house is pending! That didn’t take long! Did you have a lot of showings and offers?” I know – a lot of this could be perceived as making polite conversation, but she has a history of asking a little too personal questions, commenting on things she has no business commenting on, and generally being very nosy.

I went to my supervisor about how uncomfortable this made me and how inappropriate I thought some of her statements were. While she acknowledged and validated my feelings, her response was underwhelming. I agreed with her suggestion of letting this person know how I feel and acknowledged listing our house online makes it public knowledge. However, she went on to say that this person is, “a little odd and doesn’t always pick up on social cues” and other people have expressed similar concerns or complaints after interactions with her but it’s “just her personality.” I stood firm, stating there are still professional boundaries about discussing personal lives that need to be respected and I do not feel they are being respected.

I feel like excuses continue to be made for people’s poor boundaries and behaviors as “just their personality” because supervisors in this agency don’t want to deal with conflict or have uncomfortable conversations with employees. Any advice for talking to this person about how her comments make me uncomfortable and setting clearer boundaries in the workplace?

The most invasive part is that your coworker somehow “recognized” your address when you’ve never given it to her. The rest of it (asking about how your showings went, etc.) is more like normal office conversation — but recognizing your address and taking it upon herself to check back on your listing is weird and overstepping.

That said, this is more of a minor interpersonal issue that your manager isn’t wrong to expect you to handle on your own. Caveat: if this coworker has a pattern of doing invasive stuff like looking up people’s personal information, that’s definitely something her manager should tell her to stop. But just asking about your house sale and chatting about a topic that you’d prefer not to talk about at work … that really is in the category of stuff a manager would generally expect you to manage on your own. And if this coworker doesn’t always pick up on social cues, that’s all the more reason to say straightforwardly to her, “I’m pretty private about things like this and would rather not discuss it at work. Thanks for understanding.” You should also free free to ask outright, “How did you happen to even have my address? I’ve never given it to you.”

3. My job paid me in “banked time off” rather than money

I work for a nonprofit membership association, and I’ve been here for a little over a year. When I was hired, I was promised I would start as part-time, then move to full-time, like the guy I was hired to replace. This never happened. Instead my hours have been cut shorter and shorter, while my workload has only ballooned ever larger. Today something really odd happened with my paycheck, and I’m pretty upset.

I just received a paycheck that is literally half of what it should be. HR logged that I only worked 15 hours over two weeks, when I worked 30. Moreover, my “paid sick leave” hours magically went from 1 to 16 between last pay period and today. The sick leave bank is new to me, as HR did not tell anyone about this paid sick leave for part-timers until last week, and it was not on my previous pay stubs (but retroactively has been added to all stubs).

Is it legal to just take my hours worked and dump them into a sick leave bank without paying me? I don’t know if this is an accident, or some kind of intentional action on the company’s part.

For some context, it wouldn’t surprise me if this is some attempt to “remedy” my annual hours. For most of my first year, my boss told me, “I don’t care if you work overtime, just get it all done.” Then suddenly: “I need to you to take two weeks off no pay starting today because you worked too many hours this year.” During those two weeks: “I know I said you need to be off because you worked too much, but I got special permission for you to come back because I need X today.” (That last one was on a Sunday!)

I’m going to talk to HR and my boss, but I’m angry and confused. Is this legal on their end?

No, this is 100% illegal. You are required by federal law to be paid in money. Not time off, not comp time, not store product, not gifts, not banked leave for the future. Money. If this was intentional on their part (and it really sounds like it was), they need to fix it immediately via a check for the missing hours.

Suggested script: “We’re required by law to pay people for all hours worked, within X weeks of the work being performed. It can’t be paid as banked leave for the future. I need to get that missing money ASAP — can you issue me a check for it today?” (To fill in X, google the name of your state and “paycheck laws.”)

4. Am I being too prickly about wanting details from a prospective client before we set up a phone call?

I do freelance work and recently posted on LinkedIn that I’m taking on new clients. I got a message from someone who’d been referred to my post by a previous client of mine. He simply mentioned “a need for some freelance work.” (To be clear, he is a legitimate prospect working for a real company, not some rando.)

I wrote back that it was nice to meet him and thanked him for reaching out, and then said, “Can you give me an overview of what you’re looking for? If it sounds like I’d be a good fit, we can set up a call and discuss the details.”

Of course he wrote back that it was “probably best we schedule a call to discuss.”

So we’ve scheduled the call, and it’s fine — but it’s entirely possible I won’t be qualified for this particular gig, won’t be able to devote the necessary time to it, or won’t be interested (to say nothing of whether it will pay what I’m looking for). I can be prickly, so I just want a head check: Is it silly for him to insist on a call without even giving me a rough idea of what the work entails? I know it’s not uncommon. It’s just annoying, and it feels like it’s potentially wasting his time as much as it is mine.

Eh. I agree that a quick email with the basics (even just a sentence or two) would be more efficient before you both set aside time for a call, and I would want it too … but a lot of people feel more efficient on the phone (because they’re less comfortable with writing, because they value real-time back-and-forth, etc.), and if you want new clients it’s helpful to just be open to it. Yes, an email would be a faster to do an initial screening, but getting on the phone for five or 10 minutes could be helpful in other ways — for example, even if it turns out his project isn’t the right fit for you, having a warm conversation with him is a lot more likely to lead him to refer other people to you than a brief email exchange will.

However, if you have a packed schedule and get a lot of requests like this, set up a short intake form online and explain you ask prospective clients to fill it out before you talk! (Keep it simple — just ask the questions that will let you determine if setting up a call even makes sense.)

5. My interviewer cut off our meeting early

I went through six interviews and was at the final “lucky” seventh. This is a very large company and the interview was with a member of executive management. The interview was scheduled for 45 minutes. At the beginning, the interviewer said she asks all interviewees the same pre-formatted questions to eliminate confirmation bias. At minute 35, she said, “I am conscious of the time and have asked you all my questions. My notes will be passed to HR. Something very pressing has come up and I must drop off a little early. I am happy to answer any of your questions, but please email them to me.”

This approach really turned me off and I don’t know if I am still interested. Am I being too sensitive?

Probably, yes. People have emergencies that come up and that require them to cut things off early. She sounds like she was particularly formal/stilted about the whole thing, which made it feel chillier than if she’d been less formal. I think you would have felt differently about it if she’d said the same thing but in a warmer way — like if she’d said, “I’m so sorry, I have an emergency that’s just come up that I need to deal with. I’ve asked all my questions and normally would want to leave room for yours, but in this case I need to drop off. I’d be very happy to answer any questions you email me though, or we can set up another time to get your questions answered.” Same message, different vibe. But I think you should translate it to that in your head since the gist is the same.

It also matters that this was the seventh (!) interview, so you’ve presumably had a lot of time to ask questions in the earlier stages. (Seven is way too many, by the way, but that’s a separate issue).

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I work next to a haunted house, and other tales of Halloween

by Alison Green on October 31, 2022

Here’s a round-up of Halloween posts from the past.

I can’t escape Halloween Town

my company wants me to work Halloween and I’m a Halloween fanatic (and the update)

I live where I work, and now there’s a haunted house next to me

our office may be haunted — how do I keep it from distracting from our work?

my employee sent a memo to management about ghosts in the building

I’m in trouble for being too tired to work the day after Halloween

my employee got fired for wearing a Halloween costume to work … and trick-or-treating in an important meeting

my piece for Slate on Halloween do’s and don’ts

a special Halloween episode of the Ask a Manager podcast (from 2018 — with stories of people’s spooky experiences at work, including voices when no one is there, a creepily laughing doll, a fired guy’s ghostly revenge, and more)

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have you ever had a spooky experience at work?

by Alison Green on October 31, 2022

Did you ever work somewhere haunted? Feel the ghost of your predecessor marooned in your office? Encounter an evil spirit lurking in the copier?

It’s Halloween, so let’s hear all your stories about spooky experiences at work. Share in the comment section!

And to start us off, here are some particularly creepy stories from past years:

•  “At my last job I would often work several hours past the others, and past dark. There were multiple times where I’d hear filing cabinets opening downstairs, hear the printer randomly turn on and start whirring, and voices whispering. Sometimes the door would be unlocked when I was sure I’d locked it. Every time I thought someone else had come back for something and every time, it was dark and silent when I got downstairs to look. The voices were the worst. When you work in an industrial park you don’t expect to hear talking from outside after hours. Place was in the middle of nowhere.

Of course you could make an argument for stress. I sat at the top of the stairs in a creaky old building with my back to the stairwell, and I was overworked and tired. That said, my boss/the owner did die in a tragic and unexplained plane crash a couple months before.”

•  “I work in a museum. There has always been a joke that the man the museum was named after haunted the place. Things would go missing and items in the souvenir shop would be moved. … When Housekeeping did a deep clean at night, they always said strange stuff would happen. Sounds, voices, etc. When the museum was renovated, we added a big-screen theater. There is a control booth with a small storage area at the top of the theater steps. There is also a tiny balcony behind the control booth where we have screens that face the main hall and that we use to advertise upcoming events, memberships, etc. Many of the security staff swear they have seen and/or experienced ghostly happenings in the control booth/storage area/balcony. One really large, muscled ex-military guy had such a frightening experience that he refused to go in the theater. He was on rounds, checked the theater and heard sounds in the control booth. He knew the AV guy was off that day so he went up. He saw no one in the booth or the storage area, so he was checking the balcony area. He said someone shoved him and he almost fell off the balcony area. There was no one in the theater besides him but they checked the tape anyway. You could clearly see the moment he was pushed forward but you couldn’t see what pushed him forward.

I stay away from the theater. If the biggest security guard in the place was almost pushed off the balcony by invisible forces, I’m not chancing it.”

•  “I work in a nursing home with many folks who have dementia. They live in other realities, and I’m used to residents saying weird things. However, there seems to be a trend in one area of the building where residents typically refer to ‘the little boy’ who always seems to be standing somewhere near. It’s very common for a resident to be talking to the little boy (look like they’re talking to thin air), and it’s also common for them to ask us questions about the boy (‘is this your child?’ or ‘is the little boy going to come to the activity too?’, etc.). It’s only in that one area of the building, but it’s with almost all of the residents who have dementia. Only one of them has a history of having visual hallucinations. It does creep me out a little bit.”

•  “I worked at a place where when we renovated our office, they decided to replace all the walls with glass, to show we were a ‘transparent organization’ (as you can probably guess, leadership there kind of sucked). While the higher ups had frosted glass offices, most of the staff had glass, fishbowl offices with no doors. As you can imagine, we all hated when we lost our walls, particularly one guy who routinely complained about it.

Well, a few months later this guy is fired (for unrelated reasons) in the worst way possible, where they did it midmorning, and everyone saw it happen (hard to hide things in a glass office). So he had to pack up all of his stuff and was escorted from the building.

The next day, the glass walls of the fired guy’s office shattered. No one was near that office, no one saw anything suspicious, and we worked in a secure office so people couldn’t come in without us knowing. We never found out what happened, but I like to think that fired guy got his revenge.”

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interview with a haunted house cast member

by Alison Green on October 31, 2022

For Halloween, I talked with someone who worked in haunted attractions for more than a decade, both as an actor and a makeup artist. Here’s our conversation.

First, tell me a bit about the work you did.

I started working for a large haunted house in my early teens and continued until my late 20’s on and off. I worked in one haunted house for 6 seasons and four others for 1 season each. I am a trained practical effects artist so I helped out with make-up and getting everyone ready for the evening, as well as doing some construction work in the off-season, but primarily I was an actress. I played a variety of roles, but I was mostly a “possessed girl”, a ghost, a victim, and for one lovely and memorable weekend they gave me a chainsaw.

Every haunted house was run a little bit differently. For the most part we would have a couple weeks of training in July/August, then we would start working weekends in September, before opening most days in October. Some haunted houses were open sign-up, and other ones you had to audition for. A typical night involved people showing up starting at four or five pm, getting our assignments, and getting into our costumes. Some people were routed nightly, but others were kept in the same “room” or area every night. About 30 minutes before we opened, we went to our assignments. The older people would train people in our area if they were new. Almost everyone would do a quick run through of their room to make sure nothing was broken. When people would come through in groups, each room performed a small loose skit that was assigned to their room.

What did you do with the chainsaw?!

Everyone does things differently! Obviously you’re going to get scared if a big guy runs at you with a chainsaw. I’m a very petite woman and lacked that intimidation factor, so I would wait until the group was going around the corner into a longer hallway and had taken their attention off me and then would sneak up behind them and start it.

Would you tone it down for certain audiences — like if you saw a little kid come through, would you intentionally be less scary?

Haha nope! The haunted houses I worked at were recommended for audiences 13 and older and you were told that when you bought tickets if you were bringing in younger children. If people were really freaking out we would get them out the emergency exit but people didn’t tone their act down. Part of this was for logistics. You rarely get to see your group until they are most of the way into your area so it can be hard to stop going or change directions once you start. Plus it’s not fair for the rest of the audience if they are in a group that happened to have kids in it. You paid to get scared, so you got it.

Did you ever see anyone have a really surprising reaction as they toured the haunted house?

Oh man, people would lose their minds! It was so hard to keep a straight face. I had a young man just run through a wall. People would actually wet themselves. Crying was normal. My favorite was a man who threw his wife at me and screamed “take her, take her” before fleeing! (I hope he enjoyed his time sleeping on the couch).

OMG what! Can you tell me more about what people found scariest in these haunted houses? I must know more details about this. (The ones I’ve been in haven’t been TERRIBLY scary so I am really fascinated.)

People really hated that chainsaw! That seemed to produce the most screaming, wife throwing, and panic running. Rooms with doctor themed stuff seemed to set off a lot of triggers for people. A lot of people don’t like clowns and most haunts now seem to have a plethora of them now. We had a hallway that was inflated like a bounce house but it was super narrow and you had to squeeze through and people HATED that. The main attraction I worked at had people working outside while people were waiting in line so that atmosphere was already there and people were already keyed up going in. I also think it was just a lot. We had everything timed so there was constantly something going off or something going on and I think that much loud noise and stimulation is super overwhelming for people.

Any theories on why people enjoy being scared to the point of crying? Or in some cases, do you think they didn’t enjoy it and regretted going in?

I mean if I’m going to pay $45 for something I better cry too. But I do feel like the people who really, truly enjoyed themselves allowed themselves to get worked up. It was better for everyone; the cast had more fun and interacted more with the groups that were reacting and scared then the people who just shuffled through wordlessly. But some people probably pushed it a little too far and got way too worked up. I’m sure some people regretted going through there. But I think getting scared like that, in a place where it’s all in good fun, is an adrenaline rush.

What was the best thing about this work?

I loved being able to be creative and entertain people! You really could react and mold what you were doing as the audience reacted to what you were doing. And you really have the most passionate coworkers you could ever have.

What surprised you about it (or what wouldn’t you have predicted about it when you started)?

I was shocked how many people are completely comfortable assaulting strangers. Obviously sometimes people would react by pushing their hands out if someone jumped at them (and that’s fine!) but it was so wild to me that people would intentionally kick, slap, punch, and grab the actors and actresses in the haunt. And not that they would know this, but many, many of the performers are pretty young (teens and up) so people were slapping kids around. I was punched and kicked multiple, multiple times.

That is horrible! What the hell?! Was your sense that they thought it was somehow “all in good fun” (which would be a profound misunderstanding on their part, obviously, but I’m trying to find some redeeming quality in these fellow humans) or just open hostility and … what, taking advantage of the fact that they could? Agggh.

I don’t like to stereotype but our biggest problem group were younger white males in say the college age category. I think there were a couple things happening there. I think open hostility might have been one of them. I also think they were showing off. They didn’t want to seem scared (when OMG you paid for this) so they instead acted aggressively. It’s also depressingly easy to not see haunt actors as your fellow humans when you decide to act that way. And I guess why not; we’ve sat through an hour of make up and a couple weeks of training to make sure you don’t see us that way.

Did anything ever happen that seemed legitimately scary/creepy to you? (Aside from horrible people assaulting staff — I mean eerie/ghostly.)

Oh yeah it’s very easy to creep yourself out! You are in a dark area designed to be really scary and a lot of times you’re by yourself. You see things, you hear things, and some of the veteran cast would tell new people that the whole place was built on top of a graveyard. We had one attraction that was wooded and we had the most awful soundtrack that played throughout the entire forest. I was in an area off away from the rest and I think I spent half the night jumping at every sound. At another house part of my skit was being hoisted up into the air using a pulley system, and I was up in the air with a group in the room and a real live bat flew into the room and started circling around the ceiling above my head (I wish I was making this up). The group was very impressed but I almost fell out of the system because I really did not want a bat in my face.

Did you ever think one of your castmates went too far in scaring people (and if so, what happened)?

I wish I could answer this but to be honest I have no idea. The way our haunt was set up, and how many are set up, is that each room was very much in its own little world and you don’t often have any idea what the next room or area is doing unless you have the time to leave your space and on busy nights you really didn’t. Haunts are also notoriously hard to staff so you were mostly performing by yourself. I’m completely sure it could happen. That’s why I don’t like the “extreme” haunts like BlackOut or MacKamey Manor. It’s too easy to go beyond and think something is in good fun when someone is having an actual issue.

But again, people are also paying to be scared. Unless someone was having a legitimate medical issue, which did happen, most of the time you were told to not back off because they are getting their money’s worth. I’d like to believe that most of the cast members I knew and worked with used their better judgement. If I saw that someone was really struggling, I kept my skit going for the rest of the group but I stayed away from the person who was losing their marbles because a lot of times that’s how you got smacked.

What do you think makes a really good haunted house? Are there any “secrets to success,” so to speak?

I think to make a really good haunted house, you need enthusiastic workers, great timing, and something that makes you unique. They are great seasonal money makers and it’s really easy to hammer together something that looks like tetanus come to life, round up a few teenagers, and take some inspiration from a hot horror movie and make yourself a quarter of a million dollars and call it good.

But the most effective ones that I’ve been to are only open Thursday to Sunday. That might seem like something small but working at a haunt is really a lot on your body and if you want all your employees to keep it up, they need a good long stretch of rest. Then they follow a pattern but not an incredibly obvious one. Having scare after scare is great, but if you want something really special, giving people some downtime to catch their breath is essential. One of my all time favorite haunted houses has a room that totals a quarter of an acre in size. It has no path and it’s very foggy and set to look like a forest. The actors in the room will run past you at a distance but never approach you. It’s low key compared to the rest of the house but it really allows a lot of panic to set in.

Your mention that working at a haunt is hard on your body makes me me wonder if it’s ever hard on you mentally. Is there anything about dwelling in this dark fantasy night after night that puts you in a weird or difficult mental space?

Not really. I don’t want to speak for every single person who works at a haunted house but many, many of us love horror, love the spooky and the macabre, and are totally living to get to do this every year. You might have to go to some weird spaces to get into character, but if you’re having difficulty in a spot you are in, you can always move or change your setting in a way that makes you more comfortable.

It’s actually a little therapeutic! You know those rage rooms? This is basically a six week long rage room. You get to scream, throw things, act like a wild animal; do things that you’d probably never get to do in polite society or at any other work place.

Can you enjoy haunted houses yourself now, or are you too familiar with the behind-the-scenes?

I enjoy them in a different way now. I don’t think of it so much as “I’m going to be scared” but more of “I’m going to have fun.” I have definitely been to some that are amazingly well done that I really admire, and I have been to a couple scary ones since getting out of it. It does really depend on who you go with though! I’ve been with other people who I worked with myself and honestly, it’s a little boring since we both know what to expect. But I’ve also gone in larger groups of people who think the whole business is scary and I have a LOT more fun.

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the grisly Halloween decorations, wearing a costume to an interview, and more

by Alison Green on October 31, 2022

It’s Halloween! Let’s revisit some Halloween questions from past years. (Also, there is an amazing interview coming later today with a haunted house cast member!)

1. My coworker goes overboard with grisly Halloween decorations

People in our office go bonkers over Halloween. Recently we were encouraged to decorate for Halloween. I would take that to mean a little black and orange garland, maybe a plastic pumpkin, right? Well, not hardly. People go overboard and apparently the only rule was no trip hazards in the aisle. The woman in the cubicle next to mine must have emptied out her storage area of Halloween decorations. Now there are gross bloody looking, ghoulish figures hanging from the ceiling above our desk space. There are skeletons with teeth, cobwebs strewn about, and a lifelike bloody head cut off at the neck with facial wounds and hair that appears to be matted with more blood, and a plaque with some sort of satanic looking symbol was hung up. Then she brings in a black cauldron that when plugged in emits what looks like smoke, gurgles, and has neon lighting. There is not a pumpkin in sight!

To me, it’s very dark and not the atmosphere or space that I wish to spend my day in for weeks and yet I have no choice. This is very disturbing. I complained to my manager about the dead people hanging from the ceiling and she just said they weren’t dead people! Everyone thinks this person is so cool because she has a lot of decorations and they ooh and ahhh over it all day long. What is wrong with this picture? This is a large professional corporate office — the finance office for a huge group of physicians, no less. The manager encouraged this and thinks it is just great good-spirited fun and I am looking around thinking, “What is wrong with people”? Too late now, but is this even normal?

Well, it’s pretty oblivious to the fact that not everyone is comfortable with macabre decorations, and I’m alarmed that your manager was so dismissive when she heard about your discomfort.

Do you have HR? They might be more receptive than your boss. But otherwise, next year you could try approaching your coworker ahead of time and explaining that you were creeped out by some of what she put up last time and ask if she’d be open to a different motif. If your sense is that she won’t care, you could try with your boss again, despite her lackluster response this year. I do wonder how clear you were with her; if you didn’t plainly say that you can’t comfortably work around that kind of grisly imagery, it’s worth restating it that way.

— 2021

2. My office’s “kid-friendly” Halloween party was terrifying

My office held a Halloween party this week after hours (immediately after the work day in the office), and said in the invitation that kids and significant others are welcome. Some of us brought our young kids (ages 2-5 or so). When we arrived the signs were pretty ghoulish (dismembered bloody body parts, etc), and one employee, “Bob,” brought this very gruesome and realistic zombie puppet. It’s just as creepy as it looks in the video and it truly terrorized the kids in attendance. The parents are really upset, and would not have brought their kids if we knew that there would be this kind of adult Halloween horror.

The person who did this is otherwise lovely, and is also very close to the CEO. It’s not like management was unaware before it happened, I think they were just clueless about how inappropriate this was for a family event. Before Bob arrived, the CEO was telling people, “I heard Bob is going to bring his special friend Sally” (meaning the puppet). How do we address this with management? Its hard enough in our company for moms of young kids, and I don’t want us to be seen as spoil sports, but I am also really really not okay with the company saying this is a bring your kids event and then having something like this happen. Any advice?

Yes! Talk to whoever is in charge of party planning and logistics for your office and explain this wasn’t kid-appropriate at all! I’m guessing someone involved didn’t understand what is and isn’t kid-friendly and needs that spelled out more clearly. This won’t be you being a spoil sport; this will be you giving someone highly relevant info that they apparently didn’t have and probably would want. (Think if you’d done something similar — you’d want to know!)

You could say, “I think there was a disconnect between whoever said the party would be kid-friendly and whoever planned the decorations. It definitely wasn’t kid-appropriate for small children — my kids and some of the the others were really upset by the some of the gruesome decor and Bob’s puppet. In future years, can we be more careful about that? It of course doesn’t need to be kid-friendly but if we say it is, I want to be sure it won’t terrify our kids.”

Also, next year, make a point of raising this again in case people have forgotten or someone else is doing the planning. Mention that kids were scared last time, and ask for info about exactly what’s being planned. (Maybe talk to Bob in advance of next year’s too.)

— 2019

3. Wearing a Halloween costume to an interview

I have an interview on Halloween. Would it be ok to wear a costume to show my fun spirit?

Nooooo. Unless you’re interviewing someone where “fun spirit” is a major and key job requirement, this would be a very bad idea (and even then, I wouldn’t do it).

While I’m sure there’s some interviewer out there who would appreciate it and think it’s awesome, there are far more who will find it off-key and inappropriate for a professional situation. Plus, you want the focus on your qualifications, not what you’re wearing.

— 2014

4. Do I really have to wear a Halloween costume to work?

I am the assistant to the executive director of a nonprofit human services agency. The culture of the agency includes having the employees and the volunteers wear costumes to work on Halloween. In all of my long work history, wearing costumes to work on Halloween has never before been a part of the workplace culture. Part of my work involves interacting with the public, and my personal standards include the belief that it is not correct to for staff to wear Halloween costumes in the workplace, especially when interacting with members of the public.

When I joined the agency four years ago, I wore a black pantsuit on Halloween and purchased a witch’s hat, and kept the latter item visible next to my desk. I have followed this practice since that initial year, without engendering any negative comments from my manager or other staff members. Halloween is almost upon us again. In the last staff meeting, my manager reminded everyone to wear costumes on Halloween, and said that the staff members who wore costumes would get to go home early on that date, while anyone not wearing a costume would have to stay until the normal 5:00 closing time.

Going home early on Halloween is not a special treat for me, as I have work that needs to get done. I plan on following my usual practice of wearing a black pantsuit and bringing the witch’s hat to work. Although almost all of the rest of the staff, including the manager, show up each Halloween in new and specially purchased costumes, I believe that I am observing the letter of the office culture custom, if not the spirit. Am I under any obligation to go beyond my usual practice of wearing a black pantsuit and bringing the witch’s hat to work on Halloween?

I wouldn’t think so, not in any reasonable office. I mean, some might think that you’re being a bit of a party pooper, but it’s not something that should have any real ramifications for you at work. In fact, it seems clear that it’s not a requirement, based on your manager’s wording that people not wearing costumes will just work until their normal ending time.

That said, for what it’s worth, I think you’re probably being a bit too much of a stickler when you say that people shouldn’t wear Halloween costumes to work, especially if they’re interacting with the public. There are certainly some jobs where that’s true — for example, if you’re a doctor, you shouldn’t be giving patients bad news about their health while dressed as a giant banana or something — but for most jobs, it’s not inherently unprofessional to wear a costume, and if the culture of a particular office is one where people do that, that’s a perfectly reasonable way for that office to run.

None of that obligates you to dress up if you’d rather not, and anyone who gives you crap about that is being a bit of a jerk, since different people have different preferences around this stuff. But at the same time, just as they shouldn’t be judgy about your personal preferences on this, I’d urge you not to judge the people who enjoy dressing up as incorrect either.

— 2016

5. Halloween Christmas card

The photo for our annual Christmas card is being taken on Halloween, prior to our office Halloween potluck, while people will be in costumes! (We are an medical software company, and our recipients include hospitals, clinicians, and universities.) Ugh. I feel that this is unprofessional, tacky, and weird — I don’t understand why we would use a clearly dated photo for our Christmas card. How, if at all, do I raise this concern to our higher-ups?

If you want to raise it, you can be direct about it: “I think it will look really out of place for the season if we send a Christmas card where people are obviously in Halloween costumes. What about taking the photo next week instead?”

But I wouldn’t worry terribly much about it. It’ll be a weird Christmas card! That’s okay.

— 2018

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weekend open thread – October 29-30, 2022

by Alison Green on October 28, 2022

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Everything I Know About Love, by Dolly Alderton. That friend everyone has in their 20s who’s always slightly tipsy and a complete mess with men, but enormous fun? That is this book.

I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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it’s your Friday good news

by Alison Green on October 28, 2022

It’s your Friday good news!

1.  “I discovered your column while working one of the worst jobs of my life (I lasted 8 months, and was their longest term employee in the role in over 5 years). My job history since has felt like a series of unfortunate events – highlights from different jobs include:

  • “Color-geddon,” where the CEO insisted we completely redo a major rebrand after it’d already launched because his longest term developer claimed the colors “hurt his eyes” (one of his computer monitors was broken)
  • New CEO came in right before COVID, then in the middle of the first month of lockdown, laid off half the employees
  • CEO was so bad to work for I reported to 5 different managers between April and October, because they kept quitting after working with her
  • Instead of working, the colleague in charge of a crucial part of our work spent a year writing a book trilogy
  • Turns out the person in charge of finance/pitching to investors had previously been convicted of a Ponzi scheme, and that’s why we couldn’t put him on our website
  • CEO would spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on getting actors as spokespeople (one got so drunk at the office during a film shoot he had to call our executive assistant from his Uber because he forgot where he was going. It was to the airport, so he could fly home)

When my VP at the most recent job left (I actually really liked working with him, it was just a crappy situation all around), I told him I wasn’t far behind and ramped up my search. I expected it to be a challenge; since 2018, I haven’t stayed at one role for more than 14 to 16 months – for valid reasons, but it didn’t look great on paper. I had hoped to stay at the last one for over 2 years, but without the VP there, it was a trainwreck waiting to happen. In my exit interview I found out 8 people had given notice the same week I had.

The job market was MUCH hotter than the last time I’d looked, and I had at least one or two interviews with different companies every week, sometimes as many as 5. I don’t recommend packing them that tight; it was insanely draining. I ended up with multiple offers from different companies, both from personal referrals and online applications. The winner was a connection to a fast growing startup that a vendor I’d talked to months prior had recommended! I asked each person your magic question, and it impressed them while also giving me great insight into the work I could expect to do.

This place has been such a breath of fresh air. I never knew work could be like this. It’s fully remote, a solid pay bump, excellent health and dental, unlimited PTO (I prefer it), office stipend, wellness stipend, a serious DEI initiative, and the company invests immensely in culture and their people. I feel well supported and positioned to succeed, even though this role is a stretch for me. It’s not perfect (no job is), but if I could have designed my perfect opportunity for this stretch role, this is better than what I would have thought of.

There’s hope if you haven’t gone the traditional path, like me. I dropped out of college, worked hard, and have struggled to get above and away from toxic work environments. I thought for years the only places that would hire someone with no degree would end up being toxic places, but it turns out no, you just need patience to hold out for the right org. Reading your column has helped me be the coworker everyone enjoys working with, and helped me let go of the things I couldn’t fix. If you feel trapped or stuck, now is the time to search and get out!

Thank you for posting the good news each week! It was a highlight for me when I thought I was stuck.”

2.  “After receiving my MBA back in 2012, it seemed like my career was stalled. It was later finding out that getting your masters from a for-profit school was not the best way to go about it. My jobs were retail, call centers, and short term temporary contracts that were just enough to pay for child care and the bills. Then in 2017 my life imploded. My (ex) husband decided that after 26 years together that it was time to venture into “greener pastures” which our teenage son walked in on. After trying to salvage the un-salvageable, divorce, sell the house, cope with devastated children, pop the oldest in therapy, my kids and I moved in with my parents all within a 3-month span. Now, it was time to get my head on straight. I studied my butt off and got my HR certification; took contract jobs to build my HR knowledge, read a LOT of AAM, and using your resume and cover letter techniques, I finally landed my dream job! I am the new HR Manager for a company that needed my ability to build an HR department from the ground up. I also negotiated my salary for the first time as well and am making almost triple what I have ever earned in my life!

I am now 3 months in and loving it. My colleagues and bosses love my work and take the occasional bitter news very well. “No you can’t do it that way; there are laws” was a common refrain when I started. Slowly but surely, this company is turning their trajectory around and morale is moving up. My kids are doing fantastically and my oldest has just joined the military, where he is thriving. Please keep up the good work, you cannot imagine the good you have done through your blog and books.”

3.  “I have been working for a medium-sized government agency for four years and I kept running into the ‘slacker coworker or absent coworker’ situation over and over. Your advice to people with similar stories has always been consistent — that the problem is not the coworker, it’s with management. After my daily duties kept expanding further away from my actual title, with no raise, I finally took your advice and got an interview with the first place I applied and accepted the job which will mean a 25% pay increase and much shorter commute. Thank you for all the sage advice!”

4.  “About a year ago, I lost a grant that resulted in me and my team being laid off. The results were public, and a very big deal in my small industry. But, I utilized your tips, tamped down my shame and immediately reached out to my network. Within days, a colleague who had turned down a position gave my name to the recruiter. Before I knew it, I was offered a position that was a significant promotion, in my dream city with a 57% pay increase. And, I’m happy to report that the rest of my former team were also successful in finding new jobs!”

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open thread – October 28-29, 2022

by Alison Green on October 28, 2022

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

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should managers always “own the message,” personal info in the background of a coworker’s cat photos, and more

by Alison Green on October 28, 2022

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should managers always “own the message”?

It is review time at our company. I’m no longer a manager, but was included on an email from our VP about “owning the message.” They don’t want managers saying, “I would have promoted you, but it was turned down at the VP level” or “We wanted to promote you, but our budget wouldn’t let us.” I worked at another company with a similar “own the message” philosophy. What do you think of that? As a manager, I found it hard to do, and there were times where I felt my manager was also dealing with those situations and didn’t truly “own the message.”

It depends so much on the situation. There are managers who take the easy way out by blaming management above them/budgets/other factors when in reality it was their decision (fully or partially) or at least they don’t disagree with the decision they’re conveying. It’s easier to say “management wouldn’t approve the promotion” than “I don’t think you’ve earned it.” That’s a problem; part of management is giving candid, forthright feedback, and it’s not okay to avoid that.

On the other hand, sometimes it’s true that the decision was out of the manager’s hands. That’s a lot trickier. Managers shouldn’t cultivate an us vs. them vibe with their teams vs. management, and they do need to be able to speak for management as a whole. But at the same time, employees deserve to know the truth — and if the truth is something like “your work isn’t being recognized at levels above me and that’s not likely to change,” they really deserve to know that so they can make good decisions for themselves. So I think the communication from your VP needs to be more nuanced.

2. Personal info in the background of a coworker’s cat photos

My company has a Slack channel where employees share cute pictures of their pets. One of our executive assistants hired earlier this year, “Shannon,” frequently shares photos of her three cats, who like to lie on her desk. Sometimes Shannon’s computer monitors are in the background of her cat photos and, with a little zoom-in, you can read everything on her screen. Since Shannon’s job is planning events for our leadership, I’ve been able to see the restaurants and hotels where our execs or board members will be going on what dates. In one case, I’ve clearly seen the personal address and phone number of one of our board members. Only folks in our company Slack can view this channel, and I don’t think anyone would do anything nefarious with this information, but if I were Shannon’s boss or one of our executives, I would not want info like that so public.

I’ve debated sending Shannon a kind email pointing this out, since she might simply not think about what’s in the background of her cat photos. But I don’t work directly with her or even know her well, and I’m afraid my message would seem nosy or rude since I don’t think this habit has caused any problems (yet). Should I say something, or should I “let sleeping cats lie” and let it go?

Say something! It shouldn’t be a big deal to kindly point it out. You could say, “I love seeing your cats! I wanted to mention that in some of the photos, if you zoom in you can see everything on your screen, which you probably don’t want for privacy reasons, especially when you’ve got board member contact info up!”

3. Hearing an ill coworker in the bathroom

I recently got promoted and have my own office. Yay! My new office shares a wall with one of our bathrooms. It’s usually not something I notice (other than occasional flushing) and I mostly tune it out, but twice in the last 24 hours I’ve heard someone become what sounds like violently ill in the bathroom. I can’t really ignore it and have to leave my office when this happens or I will also be ill. In addition to that, I’m worried about my coworker! I think I might know who it is; I’m at least confident about which department the coworker is from. I don’t know what to do now. Nothing? Will it just pass? Should I bring it up to the department manager? HR (seems like that would be too much)?

I’d only mention it in the context of asking for a white noise machine or something else to help mask sound so you can work. I too used to work right next to a bathroom and, believe me, white noise is the way to go.

Beyond that, though, anyone using the bathroom deserves to maintain the polite fiction that whatever they’re doing in there can’t be heard outside of the room. Whether someone is ill or pregnant or having a reaction to something, they deserve privacy around whatever’s going on.

4. Should I refuse to edit AI-generated content?

I’m a copywriter and editor. I’ve built up a great clientele over the years and developed a specialty in writing consumer-friendly content about complex topics in which accuracy is essential (think insurance or healthcare).

One of my long-time clients is also using another firm for content development. Fine with me; I don’t have time to write reams of long form pieces for them. However, this other firm uses AI to generate, or at least assist with creating, content. Invariably, it contains factual errors and bizarre language.

So the client asks me to review it, and I fix the copy. An original sentence might say “400,000 annual llama groomers commended this comb for its praiseworthy proficiency in knot management,” and I correct it to “4,000 llama groomers endorsed this detangling comb last year.”

Here’s the problem. A) I’m pretty sure this other agency charges far more than I do for this terrible work. B) I’m concerned that I’m unwittingly helping the AI-using firm to refine their process. C) I just hate AI on principle; not only is it destroying creative professions but I think the end result will be dystopian horror, as in the short story “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.”

But hey, that’s just me! My dilemma: In the future, should I refuse to do this type of work? Or hope that in pointing out its deficiencies, my clients will avoid AI content generation? Or just recognize that this is an inevitable industry change and adapt accordingly?

I wouldn’t want to edit AI copy either! It’s perfectly legitimate to decide that’s not a type of service you provide. But there’s also not one right answer; it’s a personal decision, depending what kinds of work you are and aren’t interested in doing.

If you do decide to stop doing it, you could simply say, “I wanted to let you know I’m no longer going to be available to edit AI-generated content; having done some of it now, I’ve realized it’s a very different type of writing and editing than I enjoy.” If you want, you could add, “I also think AI-generated content isn’t a great thing for users because of XYZ,” but that depends very much on your relationship with the client.

Caveat: any time you turn down work, you’re encouraging the client to build relationships with other writers. Over time it’s possible they’ll send them some of the work you do want, and you’ve got to be okay with that possibility.

5. Client appreciation gifts

There have been a few posts these last few weeks regarding employee gifts and, as a business owner, I agree that money and time off are by far the most universally requested. However, what about client appreciation gifts? We want to say thank-you to our clients at the end of the year but we’re stuck on what to do. No one wants a mouse pad, or another water bottle with our logo on it. By the end of December, we’ve had more cookies, candy, and sugar than we care to admit so we don’t want to add to the pile. What do you and the readers think about a gift card to a local restaurant group? It falls more in the “money” category and a dinner out feels like a nice thank-you, but something about it feels off when talking of client appreciation. Last year we sent Rocketbooks, which were very well received, but we’re having a hard time thinking of something new. We’ve done a few web searches and scoured the logo swag catalogs and are still coming up empty-handed. There’s a reason so many offices get boxes of chocolates and cookies at year-end, they may be less personable but so much easier!

Client appreciation gifts are tough. Money and time off aren’t options the way they are with employees, and it’s very hard to find something that everyone will like … which is how so many people end up back at food. Let’s throw this out to readers.

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my boss keeps commenting on my acne

by Alison Green on October 27, 2022

A reader writes:

I (30F) got a new supervisor in the last six months, who is also part of the C-suite. She is very talented, knowledgeable, and friendly. She has done a lot in terms of supporting and mentoring me, and I am really appreciative of her efforts. However, one issue with her is that she can often be unpredictable, especially when it comes to pointing out things that others may be sensitive about.

I have adult acne partially due to some health issues. I am working with appropriate medical professionals to find solutions/diagnoses (and a lot of it takes time to fix). However, in the meantime, I often get break-outs. I cover them fairly well with makeup, but some days are worse than others. On those worse days, I just grit my teeth and try to get through it, but it really is doing a number on my self esteem, especially since I am not a teenager anymore and worry that it could hurt my professional image.

Enter unpredictable boss: on multiple occasions where I have had some rougher skin days, my boss has asked me directly, IN FRONT of other people, “What’s going on with your skin?” When I make a vague comment about having a bad skin day and she shouldn’t worry about it, she continues to press and badger me about it, with an audience. It is absolutely mortifying and distressing for me. Trust me, I know what is going on with my face and just want people to ignore it. It happened again today, and has left me unable to get work done because I am so upset.

I definitely need to address this with her as it is affecting me emotionally and professionally. I think that because she likes to have more of a friendly, collegial approach, she might just think she is just engaging in girl talk, when it reality, it has a much bigger impact. But really my question is in regards to how to address it — should I be doing more in the moment to shut it down, or should we discuss it in my next one-on-one? My supervisor does have the tendency to make insensitive comments about others’ appearances as well, and I think because she doesn’t take things personally, she forgets that not everything needs to be said. I do want to communicate directly that she is not to discuss my skin or physical appearance beyond what is needed to get my job done, but I worry she will think I am too sensitive.

What on earth is up with your manager?!

And what does she think you’re going to say? It’s not like your skin is suddenly turning green while you’re talking and she’s speaking up from alarm. It’s acne. It’s not a big deal. Is she looking for you to launch into a detailed account of your skin care journey?

And then she presses and badgers you about it in front of other people when you try to shut it down?!

I’m willing to believe she intends it as girl talk if that’s the vibe you’re getting — some people think everyone will be excited to talk skin care or makeup or hair problems, regardless of the setting or context — but when your response makes it clear you’re not receptive to that, it’s incredibly obnoxious that she keeps pushing it. It would be one thing if she’d brought it up once and then realized from your reaction that it wasn’t welcome and left it there. But she’s continuing to raise it!

It definitely makes sense to address it with her one-on-one. The next time you meet, you could say, “You’ve asked multiple times what’s going on with my skin. I have acne. What are you asking about when you ask me that?”

Then, depending on her response, you could say, “I would appreciate it if you didn’t keep asking about it. It’s just acne.”

Be prepared for her to try to express concern and/or make recommendations — have you seen a dermatologist, have you tried this product, etc. — which would be overstepping and none of her business. If that happens, you could say, “I do have a dermatologist but it’s not something I want to get into at work.” (You could drop the dermatologist mention if you want but — annoyingly — you might shut her down more easily if you say that part. Otherwise she might feel compelled to urge you to.)

Hopefully that will take care of it. Frankly, it would be over-the-top outrageous for her to continue bringing it up after you’ve told her to stop. But if she does again ask, “What’s going on with your skin?” you should feel free to say any of the following:

* “Nothing, what do you mean?”
* In as flat and bored a tone as you can produce: “Acne.”
* “This is my face.”
* “Wow, you’re still asking me that.”
* “It’s getting really weird that you keep asking that.” (This one is heavily dependent on the relationship. It would be a complete no-go with some managers, and it would be okay with others. It’s justified, but you’d need to judge if it’s safe to say or not.)

But hopefully the clear, direct, one-on-one “please stop” will put an end to this.

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