weekend open thread – November 9-10, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: I’m still on comfort re-reads. This week it’s been The Inn at Lake Devine, by Elinor Lipman, in which a Jewish teenager gets entangled in surprising ways with a family that runs a “gentiles-only” inn.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

open thread – November 8, 2024

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

telling an employee his pants are too revealing, unannounced video calls, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. How to tell an employee his pants are too revealing

I need some guidance! We have a new high school teacher who wears pants that show the imprint of his penis. Several students have gone to the principal to share this information. We recently had to remove a picture from our school’s Instagram page because after someone pointed it out, it was obviously very visible.

We’re planning to have a conversation with him to tell him that he hasn’t violated the dress code policy but we do need to bring it to his attention and suggest that he wear a different fit (loose), pants made with a heavier fabric and less stretch or maybe darker colored pants.

It’s refreshing to get a letter where this issue is about a man’s body rather than a woman’s! I don’t know that you’d need to address this in most workplaces, but in a high school? Yeah.

I’ve never contemplated what I’d say in this situation before! My best stab at it is: “I’m sure you don’t realize this is the case, but a lot of your pants are too revealing for our environment and a couple of students have mentioned it. I think you can solve it with looser clothing, or at the very least heavier fabrics or darker colors.”

I’ve gone back and forth on whether you should include that some students mentioned it. On one hand, how mortifying! On the other hand, if you don’t mention that, you risk him thinking you’re making a big deal out of nothing.

2. Do I have to answer unannounced video calls?

I am an in-house database developer. My company handles a lot of communication via Microsoft Teams. I’ve noticed it’s extremely common for most people, including executives, to shoot a message of “got time for a call?” before initiating a call, which is awesome!

My tasks in a day run pretty much the gamut — primarily development projects, but also documentation, support, querying data, data migrations, collaborating with users, etc. I pride myself on being very responsive. That being said, there are a handful of coworkers who will randomly initiate video calls, and I find it really frustrating when I’m trying to troubleshoot a tricky issue, on a roll with a development project, or working on a time-sensitive report for management. I’ve found that sometimes is takes a couple minutes to effectively transition between tasks, like to save what I was working on or find a good breaking point if I am working on a migration. Also, most questions I receive are easier to answer if I have a little context ahead of time and do a little research if necessary.

If I’m not at an ideal spot to take an impromptu Teams call, I don’t take it, but I do follow up quickly. I will take it if it’s management, but seriously management always reaches out before calling. I would say 9/10 users will reach out first, so it feels like very much “company culture” to do so.

Part of me feels like my aversion to unannounced video calls is an irrational pet peeve. The other part of me, though, feels like my time is most effectively managed when I’m not dropping everything at the drop of a hat with zero information. Is there an appropriate, more direct way to deal with the issue? Or should I just keep doing what I’m doing — that is, ignore it and follow up within 10 minutes after I’ve hit an appropriate break point? Or am I being a little petty?

These are never critical issues, and are often random data requests. I have also noticed a very high correlation between unannounced-video-call-initiaters and misusers-of-high-importance-email-and-read-receipt-settings.

What you’re doing is perfect. It wouldn’t be if you were in a job that required a different kind of availability, but for many/most office jobs it makes sense and is what most efficient people do.

You need to manage your time in a way that makes sense for the work, which in many jobs means focusing rather than stopping whatever you’re doing every time your phone rings (or someone stops by or an IM pops up or so forth). In fact, if I managed someone who stopped deep-focus work every time a new message popped up on their screen, I’d talk to them about ways to focus better (assuming I saw it reflected in their work or stress level, which is likely). This isn’t that different.

Also, this is true of all calls, not just videos calls. The unannounced video makes it worse because you might not be in a place or condition to spontaneously appear on video, but my advice would be the same if they were non-video calls too.

3. Senior managers who try to commiserate over current events

My great-grandboss wandered around our academic (major research institution) workplace looking to commiserate and, presumably, console staff (whom they barely know) after the election. Pretty much the same thing happened after the October 7, 2023 attack. What the hell is this?

They didn’t send out a carefully worded message that said, “We know that nerves are raw and emotions may be high due to current events. Please remember to be patient with your coworkers and seek out help if you need it (link to EAP).”

No.

They seemed to be looking for co-mourners or something. I’m of the opinion that they aren’t my parent, friend, or therapist and they should not be doing this. What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are the same as yours. It’s inappropriate and likely unwelcome to many people. Managers are uniquely positioned to help people during stressful outside events — by sending out the sort of message you described, adjusting workloads, or encouraging people to take time off if needed — and they should stick to those things, rather than (a) attempting to fulfill their own emotional needs through employees or (b) assuming some sort of pastoral role that isn’t appropriate and which no one wants them to take (not to mention the assumption that everyone they encounter shares their political views).

4. Former employee’s new company is still using his old email address — should I tell them?

We had a long-standing employee resign to work for a competitor. He left his replacement a mess to fix and we spent weeks fixing his mistakes. Upon his leaving, I notified our vendors that he’d left and changed all passwords to ensure he didn’t try to keep using our systems. The new company he went to placed orders with us and he was their old rep.

I gave his replacement access to his old email, as per company policy. We wait to delete the old email for about a month or two.

His replacement informed me that his new company is still sending messages to him at his old employee email, so we are getting included in all of their emails about projects and clients. I am unsure if this is because they have yet to issue him a new email or if it’s because they are so used to autofilling his old email. Should I tell the new company he’s working with that they are sending emails to wrong place or let them reap the consequences of not issuing their new employee a new email address?

You’d think someone over there would figure it out when their new hire isn’t receiving/responding to any of their messages!

I don’t think you have any absolute obligation to inform them, but it would be a professional courtesy to do it — and doubly so since it sounds like this new company is a client of yours (although also a competitor?). You’re understandably annoyed that your old employee left a mess you had to clean up, but it would be fairly petty to let that be the reason you stay quiet. I’m feeling a bit scorched earth myself lately so I understand the impulse, but you’re nearly always better off taking the high road.

was it reasonable to fire a new hire who was too overwhelmed to work on day 3?

A reader writes:

The clinic I work for filled a medical receptionist position. The new hire had worked as a receptionist for other offices for over 18 years. Sure, they had to learn the ropes of a new EHR (electronic health record) program, but they should already know enough to not be so overwhelmed that they had to call in, right?

On the third day of employment the new hire called in, stating that they “were too overwhelmed and needed to regroup.” They were going to take the day to get their notes together and would come in the next day. I, as the training manager, asked that they come in and offered to help them organize their notes and answer any questions. They refused. There was not any sign of remorse or promises to be more dependable.

For only two days in, the new hire had been doing well. But training was just the basics at that point. We had not even gotten to the vast amount of information required to fully do the job. And training for any job is a bit overwhelming, but that is part of the training process, right? If the employee was too overwhelmed to even come into work, it would no doubt be far worse down the line.

Yes, there was a chance that they would work out and be the ideal employee. But after having been burned one too many times wasting time and resources and wary of any red flag, our administration team decided it was best to terminate them instead of waiting for what seemed like the inevitable – having an unreliable or easily overwhelmed employee.

Is this a reasonable response? The individual had quit their job to start the new position at our clinic. But they were the one to call in for their shift. Is it reasonable to terminate such an employee within their first week because you are not “sure”?

It’s not unreasonable to be very alarmed that a new hire called out on day three because two days of training had been too much and they needed to “regroup.”

I’d be alarmed by that too.

I think ideally you would have talked with them in person the next day (assuming they did come in the next day) and tried to get a better understanding of what was going on. Who knows, maybe it wasn’t just about the job but also outside stuff as well … but absent any additional details like that, it’s a pretty major red flag and I don’t think it was unwarranted to just decide to cut your losses at that point.

I am curious about what the rest of the picture looked like: was this someone with strong references and a history of solid stays at previous jobs? If so, I’d be a lot more inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt, at least as far as having a conversation with them before deciding anything (as well as to wonder if something had happened during those two days that you didn’t know about yet).

But with the person not offering up any additional info about what was going on, even after you asked that they come in and said you’d sit and help them, I can’t deem your management team’s response unreasonable.

my intern keeps pushing for a full-time role

A reader writes:

I recently took on my first intern. I let them know from the get-go that I didn’t know if it could evolve into permanent work given the current work pipeline. They are ambitious, smart, and eager to learn, and I have done my best to give them “real world” learning experiences so they make their resume look great.

All of that is good except a few weeks in, I am getting constant questions from them about potential employment. I have told them that if all goes well and I have the means, I’d love to hire them but I don’t have the ability to answer that right now. I understand why someone interning would want to know their chances for a job, but I have been totally transparent and the constant questions are starting to test my patience.

I feel as though, this early, they really should be focusing on learning and making the most of the opportunity, rather than focusing on jumping to the next step right away. They are starting to apply for full-time roles, which is excellent, but these roles are rather senior (and I don’t have to heart to say, are way above their experience level). It’s also confirming my suspicions that this person feels they’ve learnt the entire industry in a few weeks. They’re a great intern other than this, and I’m trying to help, but how do I get them to chill out and just focus while they’re on the job? I don’t want to be a jerk, but I am losing my patience.

I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  • Will being associated with a yelling boss hurt my reputation?
  • What’s the best timing for messaging laid-off colleagues?
  • Connection requests from recruiters

when office potlucks and catered parties go wrong

As we approach to the season of office potlucks, catered parties, and other holiday meals with coworkers, let’s discuss the many ways in which they can go wrong — from alarming cuisine to cheap-ass rolls to riots over the chili cook-off to tantrums over insufficiently abundant shrimp.

Please share your stories of potlucks, cooking competitions, catered parties, and other office meals gone awry!

asking candidates how to transport an elephant, a 10-year leak by my desk, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss wants to ask interviewees how to transport an elephant

I have recently moved teams into a slightly more senior management role. We have just received approval to recruit two new staff and I am responsible for all leading the recruitment process. This is an area I have plenty of experience in and I feel confident in my skills.

My manager asked to review my interview questions. I was fine with this as it’s my first time interviewing on behalf of this team. He asked me to include his favorite interview question: “If I asked you to transport an elephant from Edinburgh to Bristol, how would you do it?” I laughed as I thought he was joking. He was not.

I am recruiting medical administrators. I explained this question has nothing to do with the role or the job description and is not competency based. I asked what answer he would be looking for and he just said he’s interested in how their brain works. Help me explain to him why this question sucks.

Questions like these — often called brain teasers — used to be popular among some interviewers. The idea was supposed to be for candidates to talk you through how they’d approach solving the problem, thus giving you a better sense of how their brains worked (just as your boss said). It was supposed to be less about the final answer and more about how the person worked through the problem.

Brain teasers have largely fallen out of fashion ever since Google famously stopped using them; they had used them for years but stopped when their own data showed that candidates’ answers weren’t at all predictive of how successful they’d be as an employee. Their head of HR told the New York Times, “We found that brain teasers are a complete waste of time … They don’t predict anything. They serve primarily to make the interviewer feel smart.”

You might show your boss that article, as well as this one going into more detail about Google’s findings.

2. There’s been a leak at my desk for 10 years

It’s a rainy Monday morning, and there’s currently a trash can directly behind my chair, collecting a steady drip of water from the ceiling.

I work on the second floor of a 15-ish story building, and this happens every time it rains. Don’t ask me why this is the floor that leaks, either. It’s just a weird office enigma.

This has been going on since I started here, nearly 10 years ago. They tried to fix it way back then (someone else was actually sitting in this spot in those days). They’ve patched the ceiling various times in subsequent years. They’ve stood behind me and stared at it for a while. But literally nothing has stopped it, or even slightly altered the pattern.

I don’t know the specifics of what they have actually done to try and mitigate the issue, if I’m honest. I just send an email to say it’s leaking agin, and sometimes someone will come look at it. Or not. Sometimes I’ll just have an extra trash can at my desk after a particularly rainy weekend. It’s a big campus. I’m guessing it’s not a priority, or maybe not the only leak.

It’s far enough away from me that it’s not actually dripping on me, or my desk, and we’ve moved necessary office equipment away from that spot. It isn’t actively preventing me from doing my work and I could probably move my desk if I really needed to, though I like sitting next to the window.

Aside from being mildly annoying, it’s not something I can’t handle (I might start collecting the rain to water my plants). But I have reached a curiosity tipping point. So I’m wondering … does my company have an obligation to fix this? What are the rules around stuff like that?

I’m not an OSHA expert, but from what I can tell, this would potentially be an OSHA violation if it leads to water on the floor (a slipping hazard), mold or mildew, or damage to the ceiling support grid. If you want to find out for sure, you can file an anonymous report with OSHA. Be sure to specifically say you’re concerned about employees’ safety.

3. How do I handle a constantly negative coworker?

I work at a small company across from a coworker who I usually get along with. However, she’s often negative, almost like a human Eeyore. She works in a position where she sees the numbers, and sometimes during the slower season she’ll make a comment like, “Whoa, it’s really slow, they’re going to have to lay people off soon” or “I’ve never seen it this low, I’m not billing much at all, how are we going to keep the doors open?”

I’m not naive, I am aware of these factors (and have started low key looking as a result,) but the constant harping on this and griping about other matters is exhausting. What does she expect me to do about it? I really would rather not dwell on it. We are all doing what we can to keep things going. It’s a small office so I don’t want to alienate her, but I also can’t handle the constant negativity.

I’ve tried to say “I can’t focus on that” or something of that nature but she continues. Is there a kind yet clear way I can redirect, or do I just need to try to tune her out?

Sometimes a complete lack of engagement with the gloom will work — meaning that she says something gloomy and you say, “Ah, well. I better get back to work.” Or, “Ah, well. Oh, I wanted to ask you about ____ (insert topic change).”

If that doesn’t work, you can try being more direct. For example: “I find it hard to focus on work after you say things like that. I’d be grateful if you didn’t speculate on stuff like that to me; it really throws me.”

4. Writing a novel about my industry

I have written a novel. It’s completely fictional but it is set in the industry that I work in, and I draw a lot on my industry knowledge to make the scenarios realistic. There’s also some exploration of the challenges of working in that industry, although I’d say overall the tone is positive.

I’d really like to try and publish it but I’m wondering if this could jeopardize my day job. I work for a company that provides professional services — I wouldn’t say it’s a tiny community, but there are a lot of people who recognize my name and know what I do. I’d publish under a pseudonym but I’m not sure if it could still become known. My concern is whether clients would think it’s about them (it’s not) or whether my employer would just see it as a conflict.

I’m considering going to HR, but wondering if I’m overthinking this. Surely people write novels relating to their field of work all the time? If I brought it to HR they would probably want some higher-ups to read it and it’s sort of in the “spicy romance” category and that’s just not how I want to be seen professionally at my day job. Any insight?

Are you revealing proprietary company information, badmouthing clients (even in the abstract), making the field as a whole look bad, or making yourself appear like someone clients wouldn’t want to work with? If the answer to any of these is yes, there’s a high risk of this being a problem (understandably so). Otherwise, though, in a lot of fields this would be a complete non-issue.

To be entirely safe, though, you’d need to run it by your company … but then of course you risk them telling you no. The counter-argument to that is that if you’re publishing under a pseudonym, there’s a decent chance they’ll never hear about it (especially if you consider the fate of most published books, which do not circulate widely). But it’s still smart to plan for the possibility that they will, and at that point the question might be whether you’re better off asking for forgiveness rather than permission. I don’t know without more info, but if you pressed me for an answer, I’d say that given that there’s a non-zero chance they’ll learn about it, life will be easier for you if you get their okay ahead of time, or wait to seek publication until after you’ve left.

Also, how spicy are we talking about? If it’s your typical romance level of spice, I’m not super concerned about that; people are aware romance novels with adult scenes exist. But if sex is the central focus, I’d be more hesitant.

5. Is it OK to disclose a disability during a hiring process to make sure I can actually do the job?

Recently I interviewed for a technical administrator position that would have been 100% office work. I was one of three finalists, but they decided to go with someone else. However, the same company has reached out saying I would be a great fit for a full technical position and I am very interested.

However, the technical position would require a good bit of field work, which can be hard on me as I have a disability. From what I have been told so far about it, I should be able to handle the field work (though I might need a cane or walking stick for support) but I’m nervous about whether there might be aspects to it no one thought to mention, since they don’t know about my limitations.

Normally, it isn’t something I would disclose until hired, but would it be appropriate to say, “I have a disability, what has been described to me so far is all doable but I want to make sure we are on the same page so I won’t be a few days in and realize I physically cannot do the job”?

Wait until you have the offer so that there’s much less risk of discrimination, unconscious or otherwise. At that point, it’s fine to use the language you proposed (although I’d leave off everything after “on the same page” and then describe the limitations you think could end up being relevant). Good luck!

my Gen X coworker is trying to “grandma” the Zoomers and it’s getting weird

A reader writes:

I am writing about a new coworker who has no concept of boundaries.

“Hannah” is in her mid-40’s and is pretty advanced in her career (in a technical position that starts at $100K a year). She sees herself as a “grandma figure” to the Gen Z coworkers in our small office. I’ve noticed that some of these employees are patterning after her behavior and I’m concerned that it’s going to lead to damaging office norms.

Examples include encouraging the engaged women in the office to rethink their weddings — she’s going through an acrimonious divorce — and demanding all early-career coworkers exchange personal phone numbers with her so that “they can text her if they need anything, day or night.” She makes elaborate birthday gifts, demands that the women eat more because she feels they’re too thin, and frequently refers to these employees as her kids or grandkids.

Some of these colleagues have shared in conversation that her overly familiar behavior makes them uncomfortable, but that they don’t want to hurt her feelings by not playing along. Others have started way oversharing because they hear her doing the same and assume it’s normal to discuss very personal situations with casual coworkers.

Her behavior is extra strange to me because she is, at most, 20 years older than these colleagues and nowhere near what most would consider to be the age of a typical grandmother.

Hannah hasn’t done any of this to me since I’m slightly closer to her in age (31) and in a higher level role. I don’t know how to help these early-career employees set boundaries without causing a blowup since it’s clear that this woman would take any attempt at distance as a personal slight. Do I need to mind my own business? If not, how should I navigate this?

It is indeed intriguing and surprising that Hannah landed on “office grandmother” rather than the more typical (and still problematic) “office mom” and I wish we knew more about why.

As for what to do about her …  I don’t think it’s yours to solve and you shouldn’t put that burden on yourself. It would be different if you were her boss or the manager of some of the people she’s being inappropriately parental (grandparental?) to, but assuming you’re not, your role is probably mostly uncomfortable bystander for this one.

However, you don’t need to censor yourself, and you’re allowed to have natural reactions to things she says. For example, if you hear her telling someone to eat more because they’re too thin, you could say, “We shouldn’t comment on people’s diets or bodies at work. It’s not our business.” If you hear her encouraging someone to call off their wedding (!), feel free to say, “Whoa, I’m sure Jane doesn’t need relationship advice from colleagues.” If she’s pushy about demanding people turn over their personal phone numbers to her, you can say, “No one needs to share that if they’d rather not.”

And if coworkers share with you that Hannah is making them uncomfortable, encourage them to push back with her and to maintain their own boundaries; assure them that Hannah is the one acting weird and they’re not weird for disliking it. You can also encourage them to talk to their managers about Hannah’s overstepping if you think it rises to that level.

Sometimes just modeling “no, this isn’t normal; yes, you’re right to think it’s strange” — as well as letting people see someone push back with her in the moment — is enough of a counterweight to keep people grounded in more sensible norms.

But beyond that, you don’t have much control over the situation, and you don’t need to take responsibility for fixing it.

should you require video on during team meetings?

A reader writes:

I manage a team of 15 that holds a Zoom meeting once per week. While they work independently most of the time, there are major projects where everyone has to be on the same page, and we get updates during these meetings.

I’ve noticed that the people who turn their video off (and I know they’re set up for video because it’ll be on at the start of the meeting) often end up reaching out to me to ask questions that we covered in the meeting. Sometimes they reach out hours later, sometimes a few days later. I’m starting to think that the ones with the video off are leaving the area, muting the team, or just totally zoned out. Can I require them to keep the video on? Do you think it would help?

I answer this question — and two others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  • Company photoshopped heavy makeup on all the women’s headshots
  • How long do I have to forward emails to my old boss, when I still work for the same company?

my dishonest employee blames technology when he messes up

A reader writes:

How do I deal with an employee, Miles, who is dishonest but gets emotional and doubles down when confronted with technological proof?

For instance, he’ll tell me he submitted a work product when the timestamps on shared documentation (which are visible to both of us) show that the work wasn’t completed by the deadline.

Separately, I’ve suspected that he’s using generative AI to complete work, and multiple AI detectors — which I acknowledge are imperfect — also say large parts of his work are AI generated. (It may be fine to use AI in other circumstances, but it violates our policy prohibiting using AI to write external-facing documents, which he’s responsible for.)

If I confront him, Miles gets defensive, frustrated, and visibly emotional, denying that he missed the deadline or that he uses AI or whatever, and insists he doesn’t know why the timestamps/AI detectors would say that he did. I feel like I’m arguing about reality. Or maybe I am crazy and things like timestamps and multiple AI detectors (and just my own instincts that something is off) are giving me the wrong impression?

I wrote back and asked, “How’s his work aside from this? I’m skeptical you should be keeping him on and wondering what the rest of the picture looks like.”

Honestly, I think he struggles with time/task management. When I set really strict deadlines and help him break down the work into small chunks (outline by this date, draft by this date, etc.), the work is good. My armchair psychologist take is that he gets in a shame/insecurity spiral when he feels like he’s falling behind, leading to shortcuts and dishonesty. But whenever I try to get to the underlying problem, he says the technology is lying, and I’m not sure how to dig deeper. How do I correct a missed deadline if he insists (to the point of getting emotional) that the deadline wasn’t missed?

I think you’re probably going to end up needing to fire this guy, but let’s break it down a little more.

First: is it acceptable for the person in Miles’ position to need that much hand-holding with time management? Is it okay that you have to break work into such small chunks for him, or does the person in this job need to be able to manage their own work more independently? If it’s the latter, it might make sense to just focus there: he needs to manage the work more autonomously, without missing deadlines, period. If he can’t do that, there’s your answer.

But for some jobs, it would be more reasonable to help him with those aspects of the job. If that’s the case here, then let’s look more closely at the defensiveness, denials, and potential lying.

The first thing to do there is to bring in IT. If Miles says that the timestamps on shared documentation are wrong or otherwise claims technology is malfunctioning, then let’s take that very seriously and ask IT to investigate. Most likely they’ll confirm that he’s wrong, but who knows — it’s worth verifying with them, at least. From there, if Miles continues to blame technology, you can hold firm: tell him that IT says he’s wrong, that these supposed tech snafus aren’t happening to anyone else, and you need him to meet deadlines, period.

You should also make a point for a while of checking right when something is due to see if he has submitted it or not — if he hasn’t, you can speak to him about it on the spot and sidestep the technology claims entirely.

With the AI concerns: focus less on whether he’s using AI and more on the qualities of his work that are making you suspect it. There’s something about his work that’s ringing those alarm bells for you — stilted writing, overly buzzwordy, weird leaps in logic, whatever it is. Focus there; those things are work quality problems and they’re easier to address without getting drawn into a debate about whether he did or didn’t use AI. (Although if he is using AI, he’s probably leaving tracks on his company computer that your IT team could find for you, if you want to know for sure.)

It’s possible that by approaching it this way, it will change things for the better — maybe there really have been some tech problems and by getting them fixed, it’ll let you both move forward without that distraction, or maybe by focusing on the specific weaknesses in his writing he’ll be able to use that feedback to improve. I’m guessing not — but the advantage of going into it with an open mind is that you’ll see pretty quickly that either he can do the job at the level you need or not, and you won’t need to get bogged down in the framing he’s currently trying to use (which is “I’m not responsible for any of this”).