Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer asking if it would look unprofessional to have stickers on their wheelchair at work (#3 at the link)? Here’s the update.

Now that I have graduated and got my first post-uni job, I thought I would give an update. I really appreciated your reassurance about my wheelchair stickers as I was super anxious about it at the time.

I ended up completing two internships while using my wheelchair and the decorations weren’t an issue at all. The first was at a local indie bookstore, so it actually fit the vibe pretty well, and the second was a mostly remote summer internship in a department at my university.

I never found out how my decorations would fare in the professional world though, as last summer I unexpectedly underwent a surgery that has greatly improved my ability to walk! I now only use my wheelchair very occasionally and, while still far from able-bodied, I can get around mostly okay with a crutch. I have hopes of improving further in the future!

I now work a few days a week in an office, and do my freelance dream job from home the rest of the time. I never thought I’d be capable of this, but the surgery has truly changed my life.

I think if I ever return to needing a wheelchair full time, I will buy a patterned spokeguard (like Izzy Wheels style) and keep my old stickered ones as a memento instead. It’s not that I think the stickers would be a problem at my current job, but more I feel the way I want to present myself has changed, and having started work I’m realizing the benefit of being able to choose which bits of my personality and hobbies to reveal at a time, rather than having it all there on show.

Thank you again for your advice and the site. I’ve read every day since 2021 and it’s helped me through every internship, job interview, and work problem I’ve ever had.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My younger coworker thinks I don’t know anything about computers (#2 at the link)

I followed your advice and sat down with her in private and discussed the whole issue. The rudeness, the condescension, the age discrimination. She seemed to have had no idea she was doing it and apologized. I then laid out my past experience with computers, starting in the dim dark ages of the 1970s up to now.

Things have improved. She occasionally starts off (to me), “To do that, you have to …” then she trails off and stops. I’ll call it a win. The boss did ask if I’d spoken to her and I said yes. He said, “Did you hurt her?” and I said no.

Someone in the comments mentioned younger users not really understanding file structures and organization and, given that she buries things 12 folders deep, I’d say she’s in that camp.

2. How do I tell my team member to be less uptight? (#4 at the link)

I took your advice and honed in on where Adam was not succeeding in his role professionally. I repeatedly gave him detailed feedback on where his work needed to improve. Unfortunately, the improvements were not forthcoming, clients began to complain and I ended up having to redo all his work, late into the night again and again.

I gave Adam a good heads-up that he would not pass his probation, which, in my mind, should have signalled alarm bells and to start the job hunt immediately. I wanted him to land on his feet and not be left stranded without a job.

With clients at risk of leaving us because of Adam’s poor work and other staff already guessing he would not last, I made the decision to end his employment and invited him to an in-person meeting. I explained to him a week beforehand the purpose of the meeting. Unfortunately, despite thinking I had made it clear what was happening, Adam was blindsided by the news that he was being let go. It was quite a sad departure, and I had hoped it could have gone better. I am very aware that things we say as managers can leave a mark and be remembered forever, and I was very careful to be as kind as I could be rather than to leave him crushed.

On reflection, I think Adam needed more 1-2-1 time in-person from me, but I work almost fully remote. I think he needed coaching in a way I would expect from a far more junior position. I also wonder if Adam was somewhere on the spectrum (and whether he knows or not), and if I needed to adapt my instructions and cues to resonate more. A big learning from me is to be more ruthless in interviews in really interrogating skillsets and any resume gaps.

I have discovered that Adam managed to find a job fairly quickly in a similar role but in a very different type of company. I really hope he has a manager and mentor who will oversee his writing and continue to make him perfect the craft. And, I hope he will be happy and find his professional strengths and really blossom. I really do wish him well.

3. How to explain an angry ex-employee is review-bombing us on Glassdoor (#3 at the link)

Having been at this place a bit longer, I think I see where the bad reviews are coming from. It’s not exactly what a lot of people in the comments thought!

When someone messes up big, leadership seems to believe in having boundary-violating “heart-to-hearts” that encourage said employee to blame everything on deep emotional issues that become the company’s business. Then, depending on how much they cry and “come clean,” they’re allowed to proceed as if nothing happened? For some reason? Even if they repeatedly do things that would merit an immediate firing someplace more functional? And then, eventually, months to years and many crying conversations about their trauma later, these people finally get let go.

The end result is that every person who should be out within their first week is allowed to stay an unbearably long time, most of which they spend totally convinced they were in the right about things like trying to get AI to do all their work, lying repeatedly that their work was done and ready to send to clients when it had never been started, harassing coworkers, turning out not to have the technical skills they claimed when hired, and so on. Upper management spends so much time and effort placating these weirdos, and engages them in such intimate conversations about their mental wellbeing, that they are always shocked and indignant when their bosses, who have been acting like close friends and/or bad therapists, finally give them the boot. The rightfully fired then invariably respond by writing at least one, but sometimes two or three, totally unglued Glassdoor reviews about it.

It’s such a weird situation. We have many more of those bad reviews now than we did when I first asked you about it, each one a distortion of reality from a person who should objectively have been gone sooner — and yet, they’re accidentally right about one thing: This place is toxic.

I have a ritual now where I microwave a little popcorn to eat while reading the latest reviews. Sometimes my better coworkers and I forward around the more delusional ones. Then I go back to covering the work of whoever lied about meeting their deadlines this week, fielding angry Teams messages from the conflict-prone people who haven’t cycled through our bizarre disciplinary process yet, and applying for work elsewhere.

Update to the update:

I got an offer for a new job with a 30% raise 48 hours after writing you my last email. My boss and other leadership keep saying how surprised they are, which I assume is because nobody usually leaves this place without having dozens of overly emotional meetings about it and they don’t know how to handle an employee who just calmly peaces out.

My HR person wrote an email this morning setting up a last-minute meeting to pressure me to sign some paperwork on the spot, so I emailed back to ask if I could receive and go over said paperwork ahead of time. Weirdly for people who are obsessed with having long, detailed discussions about their employees’ private lives, upper management seems to have forgotten I’m married to a lawyer.

4. Should I tell a colleague people think she’s having an affair with a coworker?

I took Alison’s advice and left it alone – and fortunately, they both made it easier for me by kind of freezing me out for my notice period. I’ve hardly spoken to them since I left, but the twist in the tale is that they have both now also left my old company to start a new business together!

I don’t imagine I’ll ever find out if they were or weren’t having an affair but as the commentariat pointed out, whether they were or not, the vibe their behavior created was super strange and uncomfortable to be around, and I’m glad to have moved on.

Thank you for your advice, both on this matter and in general!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My 2 dating employees are cuddling in staff meetings

Here’s an update on this one: initially one member of the couple was very reasonable after I talked to them, using very similar language to your suggestions (honestly, you confirmed my instincts about how to address it and gave me some concrete phrasing!). The other one said PDA was something she enjoyed doing at work but agreed to stop.

The PDA did mostly stop, but it was obvious that one person was trying to pressure the other into going back to it. After a few months, the person who had been initiating more PDA began to express frustration with regular parts of her job (e.g. speaking to customers, working evenings) and let it impact her customer service. Any time anyone attempted to discuss this with her or seek solutions, she would bring up the fact that I had told her and her partner to stop kissing and cuddling in the store as evidence that management was picking on her. During this time, two straight, cis people started dating and had a similar setting of PDA expectations, so this was a tough argument for her to lean on.

She quit about six months later after she tried to secretly record her performance review (in a two-party consent state) but her partner still works at the store very happily. I think I had a sense that “no PDA at work” would be an issue for this particular person, which is why I wrote in. One commenter wrote, “It’s kind of cute to see baby queers having the same struggles that I’ve seen baby straights have at work” which was also the perspective I was coming from. I myself am queer and (although queer people are not exempt from transphobia!) was trying to help these two navigate melding their first job and first relationship professionally, with a personal understanding of how LGBTQ folks are often hyper-visible, especially with regards to PDA — and also knowing that the amount of PDA from this couple was not acceptable for our workplace. Thanks for your advice!

2. Should I tell an employee that the new hire sitting right across from him all day is unvaccinated?

I wrote in a couple of years ago with a dilemma about how to handle having privileged info on COVID vaccination status and medical vulnerability status of employees and how to handle it.

It was good to see your response and the discussion in the comments, because it confirmed for me that it was a tough call to make because of “break the law but reduce infection risk” vs “follow the law but maybe put vulnerable people at risk” considerations meant there was no obvious one best answer.

The update is not exciting, but in this case, that’s a good thing.

I decided to not say anything directly to either of the employees in question, upholding the confidentiality requirements of my role at work. It helped (e.g., allowed me to sleep at night) to have seen the advice, comments about how it’s up to each of us to take reasonable precautions as we see fit and that the employee with the medically vulnerable family member was able to choose to mask up (out of caution, assuming anyone could be unvaccinated or coming down with something) or request a change in workstation, if they felt it was necessary. I also let managers know that I’d help with approval of new workstations, etc. if they had employees requesting to move to create more social distancing.

Since it was October, I wound up issuing general reminders to ALL employees about sensible precautions to prevent disease spread to ALL employees, things like frequent hand washing, wearing masks if you might have been exposed to something, covering nose and mouth if sneezing, coughing, noting that updated flu and COVID-19 vaccines are available free of charge at local pharmacies, etc. etc. I posted one of those “stop the spread” notices in a few places as a reminder.

The good news: as far as I know, no one spread COVID to anyone at work or beyond (though one person was out with it after catching it at a music festival) The two coworkers wound up having a good, collaborative work relationship after they got to know each other and said goodbye with tears in their eyes when the employee with the vulnerable family member recently left, moving away due to a spouse’s new job. And the family member’s health situation is much better, still higher risk for complications if they catch something, but they’re no longer facing health crisis after health crisis.

Reading my question again was a good reminder for me refresh those “Stop the Spread” notices, reminders again for the new flu season, and to keep in mind that anyone could have a vulnerable family member or be unvaccinated, and to act accordingly, schedule my own vaccines, boosters, etc. Oh, and I’m still the work-place safety nerd, reminding people to wear eye protection, safety gloves and putting away knives, scissors, open box cutters I come across laying around.

3. My assistant stands when women come in (#4 at the link)

As many of the commenters suggested, my assistant stands when it is someone who is higher up on the organizational chart/”superior officers.” That makes sense, and isn’t an issue in my organization. I don’t need to change it or address it in any way.

A positive update: the vibe in the office had seemed overly formal. I think that may have had more to do with my predecessor and her interactions with the executive assistant, than the assistant himself. I’m much less formal and generally chatty. He seems to be greatly appreciative of that and appears less stressed, and the office feels different.

I’d been concerned about some performance issues, and since we’ve made this transition, they have gone away. He is an enormous help, we’ve been working together on communication styles, and generally the vibe is better. I’ve only been in this promotion for a month, and some outside factors made it much more hectic. He has been amazing at juggling the tasks and keeping me on track. As an example, he just popped in with a family member who he had lunch with, to introduce them. He’s worked for us for five years and never done that. Really glad to have a more welcoming feeling in our office.

4. My boss suggested I work from home while still taking a sick day (#3 at the link)

I wrote to you back in 2023 about being told to take a sick day if I wanted to WFH. I said in the initial question that it was pretty low-stakes but I was curious if her suggestion violated any laws. I realized this was just the tip of the iceberg — I wrote in about my manager’s suggestion because I was worried about the really toxic behavior I’d seen from leadership, including my manager: bullying, insults, cruel gossip, you name it. I also finally realized that, while my workload had been unsustainable for years, and I had been asking for help with that for years, it was never going to happen. My big takeaway was that the entire handbasket’s infernal journey was accelerating, and that I needed to get out. I had been applying here and there, but I got serious about it (when I had the energy thanks to overwork and constant “emergencies”).

In May, a little more than a year after I wrote to you, I read a job posting and said, “They’re looking for me!” and I was right. I started my new job in September. It’s amazing so far, my team is great, and I’m able to do work I enjoy with a realistic workload. My job also enabled us to move to a new area, which we’ve wanted to do for a few years.

As for my former office, it’s getting worse by the day. The worst of the Mean Girl clique has been telling her team (about a third of my workload went over to them and promptly overwhelmed them, even distributed across 10 people) that I “screwed over the office” by leaving. I also suspect that she’s the person who told my old grandboss that I had deleted my handover files (I did not), resulting in an accusation and vague threats about getting IT to “figure out what really happened”.

Thank you so much for everything you do. Even though you didn’t tell me “your boss sucks and isn’t going to change,” once I realized that in fact, my boss and workplace sucked, the next inevitable piece was “and nothing is going to change,” so I did the smart thing and got out.

5. Are offers to stay in touch with old coworkers really sincere?

You answered my question back in 2016 about staying in touch with old coworkers.

My update is that it was my old boss who reached out first with a party invite, a few months after I’d left. I attended and it was lovely to see everyone again. About six months later there was another great party to catch-up at. After those two parties, I became really busy with life things and didn’t end up reaching out to anyone for coffee. But I still occasionally email my old boss and colleagues.

I thought of your advice again recently when leaving a job and when my boss and coworkers from there reached out I took their offers with sincerity and met up with them again.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who organized orgies and wanted to know if they could talk about it in their job hunt? Here’s the update.

When I wrote in to you about work for retired orgynizers, I was mostly writing out of shame. There had been a ton of fun, friendship, and adventure in orgynizing. But I also thought that it made me sort of marked forever as some class of “candidate too gross, too weird” to employers.

Reading the comments was whiplash. One type was certain that I would engage in further nefarious deeds in the workplace, like not writing my experience from that business as ORGY MAKERS R US, LEAD ORGYNIZER on my resume. Or some other line of thinking about how my character was irreparably damaged from my time buying lube in bulk.

There were also a ton of people who said things along the lines of “oh, yep, I’ve needed to be cautious about things in a resume before.” People were pointing out my obvious admin and people skills. [And you know what? You were right! I DO have great administrative and people skills! Some thought it was funny, people conducted sex ed for adults in the comments (“what do they do at orgies? why does it take a weekend?”] I read all the comments, and you guys were great.

Thank you, too, to the commenter who came up with “orgynizer.” That is a genius portmanteau. May there always be room in the office fridge for your lunch, may the good parking spot open up before you.

What did I do with your advice? I decided fuck ’em. The global point of no return from climate change is 2-26 years away. What is the point of worrying about if every interviewer will like my resume? Universal appeal isn’t something we get. I took my skills in finding very discreet AirBnBs and herding people with cat ears, and now I do an analog letterpress business’s marketing and administration. Fun! Weird! Lots of old white men in Meaningful hats! Not fracking! Pays the bills! Great. I also teach people how to grow legal psychedelic plants, and am working on a slime mold that I can use for data visualization projects.

Which is all to say, don’t let the bastards grind you down. There are so many good paths through life. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, picking a strange but reliable career path is a totally neutral, or even good, thing to do.

Warmly,

Former Orgynizer, Retired with Honors

P.S. A common question that came up in the comments was if the adult weekends were something I was doing as a volunteer/my hobby. Nope! Formal business. I set up an LLC for that business and paid taxes under that designation.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who found out their company secretly gives parents thousands of extra dollars in benefits? Here’s the update.

Thanks to you and everyone in the comments for, before anything else, validating my opinions that this is bananas! A few notes/answers:

The child-free staff obviously noticed a lot of these things! Most of them, even! We just didn’t assume “our organization’s supervisors are running a secret benefits club” because that would be insane, right?!? Ha. To give some examples, most colleagues with kids made one weekly appearance in the office during the summer, so we attributed the extra remote days to their managers being nice, not a formal policy exemption. We’d see coworkers attend events as guests (and loved when they believed in our events enough to bring their families!) but we didn’t know they still got comp time. Honestly, the only people who took 100% advantage of every perk offered, no questions asked, were independently known to be … asshats. My favorite example: my boss is universally loathed in the office — they’re the kind of person who emails you projects on Saturday night, texts you about it on Sunday morning, then yells at you if it’s not done Monday morning before they hand me all their work to leave the office at 2 pm. The office has lovingly nicknamed them “NWC” for “No White Clothes” because you’ll never see them in the office between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

Someone in the comments questioned how the child-free managers felt about this and it helped me realize that every single person in the C-suite and director level had kids, as did probably two-thirds of the manager level. Most of the managers who didn’t have kids living with them were older empty-nesters who did have kids under their roof at one point, too. I honestly couldn’t think of a single parent who didn’t report to another parent. But I doubt that had anything to do with these policies (*rolls eyes as high as possible*). I should say, that didn’t impact who did or didn’t get promoted into certain roles: parents and non-parents alike were deservedly hired or promoted from within; it did obviously impact which supervisor was assigned to which person.

Yes, apparently if you have your first child while working there, you then get told about the “expanded benefits packages to accommodate your new family.” It seems the colleagues are so pleasantly surprised at all the benefits they aren’t retroactively angry (or maybe they are and feel it’s better to keep the secret).

We do have a small, understaffed HR department. One person who is basically the liaison between us and a PEO for benefits and payroll, and a director who mostly does interviews and handles complaints. Both parents.

To try and fix this (especially because I had been regularly interviewing to leave and didn’t want to do it alone in the event I got a new job and left it behind), I spoke to some trusted colleagues, one a parent and two child-free. The colleague who was a parent, I also learned, had joined as a parent and was not given a big “don’t tell the others” speech, it was just suggested they have discretion around benefits so we don’t “let money get in the way of teamwork.” The two child-free colleagues had no idea about this and were enraged. The four of us met and, the Monday after your answer, put together some language and emailed our HR department and managers to outline that we knew about the benefits differences and were 100% prepared to publicly share with the full organization and an employment lawyer if they did not work to balance out the benefits, or at least publicize the differences so non-parents can choose whether or not they want to work here. I got a response that they’d “be looking into it” and suddenly a number of directors and managers (including my boss), the C-suite, HR, and some board members were meeting for hours at a time that week.

That Friday, an email went out that basically said benefits would be changing to “match the changing needs of our organization.” However, it didn’t acknowledge previous differences. Generally it meant that non-parents got the extra time off, comp days are only given if you complete a volunteer shift, and we would have a universal in-office day of Wednesday during the summers, but be remote the other four days. However, some benefits weren’t changing: you were still only eligible for family gym memberships if you had kids (“there is no couples membership at Organization,” so non-families were just SOL), leaving early without taking PTO was only for school pickups, and no announced change to our retirement benefits.

If not happy with the response (we weren’t!), my colleagues and I were planning to tell everyone, but we didn’t even have to. Sadly I missed this while out of town for a wedding, but apparently a parent in the office got this email just before entering a Zoom. He didn’t realize there were some non-parents already logged on and said out loud to another parent something along the lines of “Did anyone else see this? I don’t get it, it’s just our benefits but now I have to be in on Wednesdays!” Cue the questions, cue the firestorm, cue everyone being told to log off and go home at noon on a Friday.

Since then, multiple people have quit out of pure rage (incluidng some parents who were also told to have discretion and were disgusted with the org), the C-level exec who originally spearheaded these benefits resigned, and all the non-parents have collectively agreed to refuse to go in the office until everything is more equal. Almost every benefit that was given to parents will now be offered org-wide (they are even creating a couples’ gym membership) but, interestingly, they have not touched the one thing that seemed to rile up the comments section the most: retirement matching! Apparently, because families with kids spend more money, and the changing economy means more young adults need financial support from their parents in their 20’s, parents need more money in retirement to make up for it. This is a sticking point the non-parents are really fighting against, and the org seems to be adamant they won’t budge on.

Lucky for me, the reason I’m not joining them in that good fight is that I’m writing this having submitted my two weeks. Found an interesting new job (and used your advice on interviews and in negotiations) and submitted my notice. There was still some drama: My aforementioned asshat boss NWC responded by taking multiple projects away from my fellow non-parents, saying “they can’t do it while on their remote strike” and assigning them to me (~120 hours of group work to be done alone in 10 working days). Extra lucky for me, I have a family member and a college friend who are both employment lawyers; they helped me craft an email saying that because I’ve been assigned an unreasonable amount of work on an impossible timeline after being a whistleblower for the benefits issue, I could and would sue for retaliation. An hour later I got a call from HR letting me know that my work had been reassigned and that once I’d finished editing an exit doc for my successor, I could log off permanently and still be paid for the full notice period and get my vacation payouts. Currently basking in the glow of paid funemployment. (When I’m done writing this, my wife and I are going to get drinks and lunch! At 2 in the afternoon! On a Tuesday!)

Thanks again to the comments for the suggestions and making me feel less like a bewildered baboon, and to you for your sage advice with this question and so many others! I’m aware of my privilege in having understanding colleagues and literally being able to text two employment lawyers and get good, pro bono advice within a day. Not everyone has that, so thank you for providing the resource.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

1. I reported a coworker for hitting a child (#2 at the link)

I figured out after doing some more research that he was actually not a current employee, although his LinkedIn made it seem that way. So I didn’t inform my employer at first. However, several months later I got called to testify in court, and he ended up being sentenced for hitting the child based on my testimony (but not for shoving me, that part never made it into the indictment, which I am totally fine with).

About six months later, when I was walking to work, he suddenly showed up and confronted me in front of my office. So at that point, I got my employer’s security involved and informed my boss and we ended up having extra security for a while. He never showed up again at my work. But I do see him around town and unfortunately we run in the same circles in a particular hobby that our kids share, so that has led to having to have some strategies to stay safe and unfortunately my kids and I can’t participate in certain activities around that hobby. What I took away from this is that anything that happens to you in a small town can end up being an issue at work!

2. My employee says he’s “already thought of” every suggestion I make

The short update: I didn’t say anything to my employee.

The longer update: Your advice and the advice from the forum were incredibly helpful in getting me to see that I was at least as likely to be doing something wrong as my employee and why. Just writing the letter and seeing how seriously you all took it made me feel validated — that his behavior WAS annoying and problematic. But once I had it off my chest, I decided to change my behavior instead of asking him to change his. Maybe I chickened out, but I didn’t feel good about bringing it up directly with him.

Instead, over these months, I have focused on letting him have time to think through a process thoroughly and to ask for his plan rather than jumping right into telling him what to do or how to do it better. By taking myself out of his planning or production process, I have shown him that he has ownership and my trust. And to his credit, he’s stepped up. While he still doesn’t do everything as I would, and there are still times when I will make suggestions, he’s been much more receptive to them and far less likely to come back with, “Yep, I was already thinking about doing that.”

In the past year, our organization suffered a significant crisis that required us to expand our skills into new and frightening territory. We had each other’s backs throughout the ordeal. That experience cemented our trust, and he’s more confident about fully inhabiting his role. Others at our organization have commented that he seems more productive and engaged.

So, I was the problem all along. Sigh.

But seriously, thanks, Alison, and thanks to the readers for giving me space to work out the problem and giving me great advice.

Sign me: A better manager now.

3. The spooky question

It’s brought me great joy that you enjoyed the tale of me asking my coworker if she had ever seen a dead body so much that you published it two years in a row! I know mine was a Mortification Week submission and not a regular question, but I have an update for you!

At the time of the story, I was working in an agency, and I was young and new and desperate for people to like me, so I was trying to make any conversation I could. Most of the women in that office were very cliquey (like, nine people wearing the same outfit in one day), and I was very much the outsider. Today, I’m a lot more secure in myself and happier!

I also (and this is what made me think to write in) work at a hospital now! Yesterday, five separate people told me about their experiences with dead bodies, unprompted. I don’t know that that’s a good or bad thing, but I’m not only NOT an outsider here, I’m well-liked and in a leadership position! I definitely am slower to speak though, and I’m not desperate to make conversation or friends.

4. AI attending meetings (#2 at the link)

Thank you for your response to my question about an AI notetaker unexpectedly appearing in a meeting — it was really helpful in helping me think about why I was uncomfortable with the AI notetaker and what sort of rules we might have around them.

As it turned out, the person who was using the AI notetaker didn’t realize it was attending all their Zoom meetings. And this did prompt my team to have a discussion about how to deal with AI notetakers; we now boot them when we see they’re in meetings, and check with the person identified as the “owner” of the notetaker. (I think in every case, they’ve been unaware the bot was attending for them.) We’re also working on a new notetaker policy, because it feels important that these meetings remain a space where people feel they can talk openly.

5. How do I not lose hope in a highly competitive field?

Thank you so much for answering my letter so many years ago. This is an update to the question I wrote during a very fraught time in my life.

I continued my search for the academic job well into the pandemic. However, the sudden loss of all work in 2020 nevertheless forced me (as it no doubt did others) to seriously reevaluate my life and priorities. I became aware that what I had been trying to do was simply not sustainable, neither physically nor mentally. In response to Alison’s “can you do this for ten more years” question, I finally realized the answer was “no.” I began to cast my net for a much broader range of jobs. Two years into the pandemic, I was hired for a directorship at a firm across the country. It was far from my home network and, though it let me remain in my field, it was not something I really ever imagined myself doing. But it turns out I am not only good at the work — I enjoy it!

Ironically, as soon as I was hired for this firm, a university in the area reached out to me to teach some classes there. It seems that my new industry job gave me credentials that were attractive for teaching! I don’t teach full time, but I actually really enjoy the variety of my life. I have a job that I like and keeps me comfortable, and I get to enjoy teaching the wonderful students at this school without the pressures of a full-time professorship.

Life isn’t perfect — in my field, I will never be rich, and my job is high pressure and public. My teaching contract is per-semester, so I also know that I’m not guaranteed to be able to keep doing it. I’m still far busier than is healthy, and I crave a better work-life balance. Even so, I feel very lucky to be employed doing work I love, and I don’t think it would have been possible to do that without doing some letting go. I’m also working with a therapist on creating better boundaries with my work and personal life, and have made good progress addressing my achievement/self-worth issues that some commenters astutely read between the lines of my original letter.

I really appreciated your gentle but forthright advice. I also appreciated the empathy of the comments, though some were hard to read. A few people felt that I had expressed entitlement, classism, or gendered expectations by my word choices, and that hurt; but I can see why I came across that way. My field is deeply male-dominated and I think that the past few years have opened my eyes both to the internal and external effects of that on others and on myself. I am beginning to see that that environment compounded my need to prove my worth in an unhealthy way. I’ve recently become involved in some organizations that strive to make my field friendlier and more welcoming, especially to my fellow women and nonbinary colleagues. This has been incredibly fulfilling and healing, and I am trying to learn as much as I can so I can strive to be as good a role model as I can for my students.

I sort of wish I could go back and tell a younger me that the perfect/most prestigious job is not the most important thing in the world; that there are so many facets of life that make it worth living, and that those facets are deeply personal. I think exploring what I truly wanted out of life beyond my career would have saved me a lot of grief and pain—and time. That said, in some ways I think I had to go through this to come to this point, which is of course still evolving.

Thank you again for publishing my letter, and to everyone for their kind insights.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My best friend is dating my employee

Your advice was to talk to the employee, because a bit of atypically personal interaction was warranted given how much the employee had to lose. So I did. I reiterated that I didn’t expect my friend to tell me anything so she could talk freely to him, and that while I’ve been his friend through numerous breakups and he’s never turned into a weird stalker/aggressive guy, if he did in this case I’d throw him out the same as anyone else. She said pretty much what he did, that she assumed none of that was going to be a problem, but that it was still good to hear it from me.

I also had a talk with our one middle manager-type employee, saying I was aware there might be an appearance of favoritism and I was guarding against that, but an extra set of eyes looking out for the same problem was welcome. She never mentioned it again, so I don’t think anyone came to her with concerns.

Some commentators wondered about banning these types of relationships, but that’s just not feasible in a small town nor in a bar environment, and certainly not in both. Another wondered about sexism in your response, but I thought that was nonsense.

Long story short (too late), we did go on one trip together and while it wasn’t 100% awkward free, it was short and fun and not an issue. And the main issue became moot when she quit (for good reasons: she was working for me as a second job to clear some debt, and once her finances improved she wanted more free time, which I totally respect). She and my friend are still dating, quite seriously, and we’ve gone on a couple short trips together that haven’t had any awkwardness.

She did hint a few months later about asking to rejoin our team a bit, and I demurred. I had several reasons, but one was that I didn’t want to reopen the issue. I worried about whether that was fair to her or not, but ultimately there were other factors at play (we didn’t really need another staff member, mostly). She and I are becoming friends, despite starting with a different relationship, and things are good.

I’m really glad I wrote in and you answered. It took an issue that hadn’t been a problem but that I thought might become one, and made it a total non-issue. Thanks for the good advice.

2. My boss is upset that I quit without more notice because I’m vital to the business

I did not realize just how toxic working for Amanda was until I started this new job. As some readers speculated, my letter was just the surface of the dysfunction. This was my first long term job in the professional world and I now realize how many red flags I ignored. This whole process has been like bad relationship/break-up.

Amanda reached out to me a few times after I left with questions. I answered at first but after a rude reply from her, I blocked her number. She had to hire two positions to replace me and, from what I have heard, she has had a hard time keeping the positions filled. I feel bad for leaving her in that situation but I also understand that she is one who created that work environment and it is no longer my responsibility.

My new job is amazing. It’s a night and day difference. I start at 9 am and I am done at 5 pm most days. I am not expected to be constantly accessible by phone. Most importantly, I no longer feel like I am drowning at work. I have PTO and a healthy work-life balance is highly encouraged.

And in the happiest news, my fiance (who encouraged me to leave) and I are just a few weeks from the wedding! I am taking almost two weeks off for the wedding/honeymoon and, hopefully, for the first time I won’t spend my time off checking in on and worrying about the office.

3. My coworker thinks it’s funny to try to scare me

I wanted to write in and give an update about the coworker who enjoyed scaring me. It feels like such a scandalous update compared to how bland my problem was but here goes.

So I did get him to stop startling me, at least on purpose. I will say I probably wasn’t as assertive as I could’ve been, looking back at it all these years later. But I asked him to stop and he stopped. I’ll still jump at innocent coworkers’ friendly hellos, but at the very least I’m just startled and not both startled and pissed. I remember some comments not understanding the difference between being startled on accident vs being startled on purpose and to that I say it’s the same thing as being tripped on accident vs being tripped on purpose. Both irritating, but one is usually followed by apologies and laughs and the other is rude.

But in the end, during Covid work-from-home, he was fired for asking another colleague for topless photos.

4. Is it unprofessional to ask to change desks because you don’t like someone?

I planned not to say anything until management told me who my new mentor would be, but it turns out I didn’t need to say anything. Today they pulled me aside and told me they’d picked a new mentor, and asked if I’d like to move my cubicle to be across the aisle from him, so I said yes. Thank you for your advice, I’m glad I let the situation work itself out.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My neighbor, her nephew, my kid, and her dogs

I have a bit of an update on a situation I shared a few months ago, regarding my 13-year-old son Falcon dog-sitting for our neighbor.

I had been feeling quite guilty about how everything went down. Thank you to you, Alison, and the commenters for stating that Falcon was under no obligation to return the dog-sitting money. He went above and beyond in the care he provided to the dogs and he rightfully earned that money. I want to reassure everyone that I paid Falcon back his full fee.

I offered to refund part of the money to Jane because she was upset, and more so because her husband seemed irate. As several commenters pointed out, these people are neighbors with whom we cross paths often. Jane is also a gossip. In the heat of the moment, I was trying to protect us from reputational harm. Falcon mows lawns and waters plants for a few of our neighbors in the summer, and I was concerned he’d lose those opportunities.

All of this occurred shortly before school started. I walk my dog much earlier in the morning during the school year to ensure I get Falcon out the door and myself to work on time. As a result, I’ve only bumped into Jane a couple of times since the dog-sitting incident. I’ve maintained a professionally friendly demeanor with her, but I no longer go out of my way to chat. She seems the same as always, so I suppose that’s good. She hasn’t requested Falcon’s help with anything since the incident, and I’m not sure she will again. Falcon doesn’t seem bothered by any of it anymore. While I don’t think he’d accept another dog-sitting job from her, he’s still open to doing so for others.

Thank you to everyone who responded and for the concern you showed for Falcon.

2. My coworker is taking credit for my work when she applies for jobs

I spoke with my manager about what was going on, and although I wasn’t privy to the discussion he had with “Bella,” my work was removed from her portfolio a little while later. Her new job is in a completely different industry. I’d like to think that word got around about her behavior, but I think it’s more likely that she realized she just doesn’t enjoy this kind of work.

Happily, I’ve also found that since Bella left I’ve been more confident in general, and it shows in my work. I now have plenty of new, stronger pieces to add to my portfolio — and it’s a huge relief to know that nobody else is claiming credit for them.

I really appreciate the advice from you and your readers. I’d been stuck in this horrible working relationship for so long that I almost believed what was happening to me was normal and not worth kicking up a fuss about. All your advice was brilliant, but what I really needed was for someone to tell me my feelings about the situation were completely valid.

3. My job wants me to find coverage after I quit (#3 at the link)

I replied to my manager’s email and asked if I would be looking for coverage during my next shift. He told me no, I needed to complete my normal work tasks because the upcoming week would be busy. I politely informed him that, if this was the case, I would not be able to find coverage and would still be leaving on my last day. He stressed how busy they would be during the week after my last day and that they needed as many people to come in. I didn’t reply again, and that was the last interaction I had with this manager.

I have since moved, and I now have a job that pays better and has a far healthier employee culture! Thanks for the advice! It saved me a lot of stress.

4. A conversation about kittens led to a lecture from HR

Wow, it’s strange to think back to the time when that conversation was the only problem I’d had with Joan. I took your advice and gave the context to HR, who implied that they weren’t surprised to hear this about her. Joan and I have both worked for the company for a few years, but we had been on hybrid schedules without overlapping days until she changed her schedule this year. I didn’t know her well at all, but HR clearly did.

I am honestly just a quiet, shy, people pleasing person who likes cats, but somehow Joan decided that I, as a cat-lover, was her nemesis. The more she hated me, the more other people responded to her like she was in the wrong, and the more she doubled down. Here are some highlights:

• She was often reading this book in the breakroom and fake-laughing to draw attention to it.
• A friend made me cookies for my birthday and I brought the excess ones to work — they were homemade but not in my home. Joan still called them “urine cookies.” My coworkers ate them with exaggerated relish while saying “mmm, delicious urine.”
• She made a point of sanitizing any surface she saw me touch (even wiping down the microwave between when I put my food in and when I got it out). I’m not the only cat owner in the office so she wasn’t protecting herself from cat germs very effectively.
• She asked at a staff meeting whether the dress code could be updated to state that pet fur on clothing was unprofessional, and was told no.
• People gift me a lot of cat-themed things, and I have several cat mugs. The one I used in the office got “accidentally” broken while I was working from home. So I brought another cat mug in, it got broken too. A third mug, the same thing (I had a lot of mugs). A coworker found some enamel (unbreakable) cat mugs in a dollar shop and bought 10 of them to put in the office cupboard. Joan complained to HR that she was being bullied, which HR dismissed.

I don’t need this kind of drama in my life so I spoke to my boss about going fully remote and it was approved. Now I spend every workday with a pile of kittens on my lap. Thanks Joan!

And thank you for your advice! Kitten tax attached.