Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss won’t do anything about my lazy coworker

I’ve worked for 14 years as an individual contributor on a team of six technologists. We split the day-to-day work evenly amongst ourselves, and are all used to having to take on a bit more if someone calls in sick or something along those lines … we all just push through and it gets done.

What is there to be done about a coworker who is clearly not doing their share due to obvious time mismanagement? One of my fellow techs, William, wanders in anywhere from 10-25 minutes late almost every morning (often with a drive-through coffee in his hand). He frequently takes much longer breaks than we are allowed, and I often observe him wasting time chatting with other colleagues and hiding in corners of the office playing on his cell phone. I have kept track, and this often amounts to a couple of hours per day.

Our supervisor, Thomas, has had many meetings with all six of us in which he clearly lays out his expectations regarding personal chit chat, timeliness, cell phone use, etc. But William doesn’t seem to care. He continues to blatantly disregard expectations, and when called out on it (usually by me, always in a calm, professional manner, referencing the expectations previously laid out by Thomas), his response is to give me the silent treatment, sometimes for days on end, only speaking to me in monosyllables when it’s absolutely necessary. When I bring this up to Thomas (the behaviors I’ve observed, and the subsequent freeze-outs), the only answer I get is something wishy washy along the lines of, “I’m keeping an eye on it.”

I genuinely like my work aside from this, and I care about doing a good job every day and being honest about how I spend my time, so it’s disheartening to see William continually allowed to put in far less effort than the rest of us, with no apparent consequences. What, if anything, can I do? I’d be so grateful for any insight you can provide, even if it’s just a reality check that this is sometimes just the way things are.

This is indeed sometimes just the way things are.

But the reason they’re this way is because your boss sucks. I suppose it’s possible that he’s managing William more actively behind the scenes and you just don’t know about it, but I doubt it given that the problems are continuing, and since Thomas apparently thinks the way to “manage” William is to have group meetings rather than correct William one-on-one. Thomas sounds like a wimp who doesn’t want to address issues with William directly so instead is choosing the weakest possible management approach.

William sucks, but Thomas sucks more.

Related:
my boss sends scolding emails to all of us — and then tells me I shouldn’t take them personally

2. My coworker shared a colleague’s personal info with me

I’m a woman in my 30s working in state government in an upper admin-type role. Our office is great in that we are a strong team and folks enjoy each other’s company, but there isn’t a “we’re family” vibe. We have quite a few men with a common first name, let’s say John.

My coworker Carol is relatively senior in terms of job title, but not my boss. We have a cordial relationship but are not “work friends.” Carol has previously made it clear to the office that it is very important to her that we know when her birthday is and celebrate it.

Last week, I was getting my lunch ready in the kitchen and Carol walked in. We exchange greetings and then she asks me, “So, did we do anything for John?” I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out which John she’s referring to. It can’t be the one who just lost a family member, because his team already organized a condolence card for him, so who could it be?

I must have looked confused, so she clarified, “You know, his dad and the accident. I just thought we should do something.” I told her that I didn’t know what she was talking about, and she said she saw us chatting yesterday, so she thought she’d ask. Now I know which John she’s talking about, but I still have no idea why she thinks I would know about this. John works in a different department, and while we do have a friendly work relationship, we mostly talk about our mutual hobbies and interests, not personal stuff.

I asked another coworker who is usually in the know about these things, and she also had no idea, so I decided to just ask John. I made it clear that this might be a weird question and awkwardly asked if everything was okay with his family. He looked taken aback but explained that yes, his dad was in a bad accident a month ago but is doing very well now. He was gracious about it and I apologized repeatedly and explained that Carol had said something, which he looked annoyed about. He said he’d specifically not told many folks at work because he needed work to be an escape from that stress.

I think that my working relationship with John is still okay, but I’m very annoyed with Carol. If someone shares that sort of thing with you in confidence, you shouldn’t go blabbing it to the rest of the office, let alone a different department! And asking me (admin) if we’ve “done anything” (undertone: “you should do something”) when she (not admin) could very well have organized something herself was annoying.

I don’t know if this is just a different understanding of what a workplace and workplace relationships are, but I don’t expect anyone but (maybe) my closest coworkers to celebrate my birthday or share condolences about a difficult family situation. Am I off-base here? Would appreciate any advice/criticism, either on how I handled the situation or how I could handle future interactions with Carol.

Nah, you’re not off-base. But most of this sounds like it could have simply been miscommunication; if John didn’t make it clear to Carol that he didn’t want the info shared, she may not have realized it. Possibly she should have! But that’s between her and John.

She was wrong to imply you should organize something when you’re not on John’s team, and I’d make a mental note not to share anything with Carol that you don’t want repeated, but otherwise I wouldn’t worry much about any of this.

About your broader question about the way she sees relationships at work versus the way you do: as long as she’s not pressuring other people to do things they don’t want to do (like pushing people to celebrate their own birthdays at work if they don’t want to), I’d mark this all down to people just falling in different places on the spectrum of how they like to connect with colleagues.

3. Getting a degree from a nationally accredited school

I am a 34-year-old single mom who has spent years and over $80k trying to obtain a degree. Unfortunately, I’ve made every possible mistake — transferred schools four times, changed my major multiple times, and dropped out due to financial and life challenges.

Earning a degree is still a bucket list item for me, but with $80k in debt and no degree, the financial burden feels overwhelming. I recently came across an affordable, nonprofit online school called University of the People, where classes cost just $100 each. I could complete a business administration degree, which is exactly what I need for career advancement, and I can definitely afford it.

However, it looks like this school is nationally accredited, rather than regionally accredited. How much are employers going to care that the degree is nationally accredited?

First, for readers who don’t know, regional accreditors generally have much more rigorous standards than national accreditors, and a lot of crappy for-profit schools are nationally accredited because they can’t get regionally accredited.

To your question: It’s less that employers will look up whether a school is regionally or nationally accredited and more that the school itself doesn’t have a strong reputation. (Although it’s at least nonprofit, which is a plus!)

if you just need the degree for box-checking purposes (like if your company won’t promote you beyond a certain level without a degree), it will probably be fine. If you’re hoping it will carry the same weight as a degree from a more traditional school (in terms of academic rigor and general reputation), it won’t. So it really depends on what your reason are for pursuing the degree.

Related:
do employers really care where you went to school?

4. Client said I can’t talk to my coworker

I am a project manager who implements healthcare software with clients around the country.

One client has contracted an internal employee of my company (a coworker of mine) to assist them since two client staff members quit during the first week of the software launching. (I am not surprised given that the client is rude, demanding, and has staff that are not kind to each other.) I met with my coworker one-on-one to see how it was going. I myself have had a rough patch with this client and wanted to make sure that they were not being aggressive and outlandish in their requests.

Well, the client found out I met with my coworker without them there, and they are now saying I cannot meet with her to discuss anything with her without them. I stated that I wanted the coworker to have an opportunity to speak openly about how it was going for her. The client then replied back that if the coworker had questions/concerns, she should bring it up to them.

Was I out of line for checking with the coworker on her experience so far? I wanted to just gather how it was going for her from a project perspective.

It’s completely normal for people within an organization to meet to talk about how work is going, and clients can’t dictate that that not happen (unless it’s confidential work where each person involved in the project needs to be specially cleared, but that doesn’t sound like the case here). The inner workings of your company are none of their business. Are they also going to say her manager can’t check in with her about her work on their project?

Practically speaking, you and your coworker should just not mention future conversations to the client, but this is weird.

5. My employer wants me to pay for a separate phone so they can reach me at night

My employer has recently begun demanding I keep my cell on 24/7 in case they need me to cover reception in an emergency. We do not have emergency matters, just the receptionist might call in sick.

I have declined to keep my phone on so it doesn’t ping me at all hours, which happens because of auto reminders from doctors and texts from family and friends three time zones ahead. I said I would hold a phone from my employer.

My employer is insisting on taking my WFH stipend, or my money, to cover the cost for an excessive phone and plan of their choosing. This is apparently all illegal in my state (California). How do I respond without getting fired and without having to use my funds to pay their bills?

California does indeed have a law that employers must reimburse all business expenses and can’t ask employees to shoulder them. So you could simply say, “We could get in trouble under California law for that, since the state requires employers to cover business expenses, including phones.”

The WFH stipend might complicate this, depending on exactly how that’s structured; it’s possible this could legally fall under the expenses that the stipend should cover (although based on your letter, I’m skeptical that it would; you could check with a lawyer in your state if you want to be sure).

The other option, if you don’t feel like dealing with this, is just to set the number they’d be calling from to emergency bypass so it rings through even if you have Do Not Disturb on. You shouldn’t have to do that (and it will only work if you program in all the possible numbers they might call from), but it’s an option.

Related:
what to do when your employer is breaking the law

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I tell my coworker to stop scrolling on her phone in meetings?

I’m writing to ask how to handle a coworker who is constantly texting in meetings — virtual, in-person, the works. She doesn’t try to hide her phone and is often scrolling in plain view while other teammates are talking, and it’s incredibly frustrating and disrespectful. She is a mom, and I’ve worked with plenty of parents who want to be on call for their kids or with daycare and are on their phones more than I am, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s most meetings and she just appears to be clicking around on whatever sites suit her fancy. There must be a line, right?

I want to give her some feedback collegially, even a “hey, we all text in meetings sometimes but you may want to make it more subtle!” tone, but I also want to convey that it’s pretty rude to openly tune out of meetings and into her phone at will. Our “supervisor” is the de facto head of our small nonprofit and does very little team management, and doesn’t have the best relationship with this coworker, so I don’t totally trust her to deliver the feedback and we don’t have an HR department at the moment so if it’s going to come from someone, it’s likely me. Any thoughts?

If you want to give you feedback primarily because you find it rude, I wouldn’t. It’s not your place as a peer, and your manager apparently doesn’t feel strongly enough about it to say anything herself. If you wanted to frame it more as “just a heads-up, Jane won’t say anything until she’s really fed up but you’re likely to hear at some point that you’re on your phone too much in meetings,” I’d advise you differently … but that doesn’t sound like the situation.

That said, if you’re ever the one running the meeting, you would have the standing to call it out in that particular meeting — as in, “Jane, do you need a minute to handle that? I want to make sure we’re all engaged in this topic.”

Otherwise, though, you’ve got to let it go. You’re right that it’s rude if this is a small meeting. It’s just not yours to handle.

2. Coworker ices out women who reject him romantically

We have a male coworker, Kevin, who has asked out almost every woman (myself included) in our workplace. When he is rejected, he ices them out and refuses to acknowledge their existence at work. This is makes all the women uncomfortable, and is overall just very immature and unprofessional of him.

I reported Kevin to HR and got several other women to come forward as well. HR gave him a reminder of workplace expectations, but won’t do anything more because by ignoring us, he is technically not harassing us anymore. I want him gone so that this doesn’t happen to anyone else. I have already seen him sitting and talking with the new female hires. Is there anything I can do to protect my unsuspecting female coworkers?

Your HR sucks. Kevin is “technically not harassing” you anymore? Harassment isn’t just unwelcome advances; it’s also penalizing people for rejecting those advances. Kevin is in the penalizing phase now, and it’s ridiculous that your HR refuses to acknowledge that. If he’s refusing to interact with you in normal, professional ways — and especially if it’s interfering with your ability to do your job — that falls under the harassment umbrella. Maybe a group of you could have a lawyer point that out to your company.

As for what you can say to new, unsuspecting colleagues, you can tell them up-front what to expect. For example: “Just a heads-up, Kevin is friendly to every female new hire, then asks them out. If he’s rejected, he ices them out and refuses to acknowledge their existence after that. Several of us have gone to HR about it, with no change. It’s been very uncomfortable for some of us and we wish someone had warned us.” This is how women have navigated workplaces that refuse to handle creepy men for eons, and unfortunately your workplace doesn’t sound like it will be an exception.

3. Coworker’s constant sniffling is driving me mad

This is a fairly low-stakes question, but I have a migraine today and my capacity for dealing with it is extra low.

My coworker never stops sniffling. It’s constant, like every few seconds. She’s been here a little over a year, and it’s never stopped. I’ve offered her tissues, but she said she doesn’t need them. She claims it’s because it’s so cold in the office, but even now, when it’s not cold and she’s in short sleeves with an unused blanket sitting on the back of her chair, she’s sniffling every couple of seconds.

I usually put in headphones and listen to music, but there are times, like today, when it’s otherwise quiet in the office and I’d just prefer not to listen to music. I also have to answer phones, so I have to keep the music low.

I’m not sure if my annoyance with this is exacerbated by how frustrating she is in other ways, but I genuinely think this would be driving me crazy anyway.

Am I allowed to ask her to figure out a cure for her non-stop sniffling? Is that even possible? Once in the past I literally chose to take half a day off because I couldn’t deal with it, and I’m close to reaching that breaking point again today.

It’s very unlikely that she’s sniffling for the hell of it. Assume if there was an easy cure she would have already found it, and this is just a health condition (like chronic allergies) that she’s stuck dealing with.

That doesn’t really solve it for you, I realize, but it’s likely as unsolvable for her as it for you. And  sometimes reframing it in your head to assume that — instead of internally screaming “WHY DON’T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT?” — can make it more bearable.

4. Wording when communicating expectations to an employee

Someone recently said to me that when you are communicating expectations to an employee, you should phrase it as, “Company Name needs you to…” or “Company Name expects you to…” rather than “I need you to…” or “I expect you to…” because it “softens the message.” What do you think?

That’s an extremely weird formulation and would be out of sync with the culture in most American workplaces. I also can’t see how it softens the message! It does the opposite; it makes the message sound much stiffer and more formal.

For that matter, I wouldn’t use “I expect you to” in most situations either. “We need you to,” “I need you to,” “Could you,” “Would you,” and “I’d like you to” are more typical.

5. How do I explain why I’m looking for a new job when I love my current one?

How do I explain why I’m looking for a new job when I love the one I have?

I work on a great team for a troubled company. I’ve been here nine years, but in the last few years we’ve had multiple layoffs and haven’t had raises and I don’t see that changing next year.

I’ve stayed this long because the job itself is good, the frozen salary is still okay for now, and my colleagues are great. But the financial writing is on the wall, and I’m thinking of trying to get ahead of trouble by finding a new job now.

None of the plausible lies are really applicable to me — I’m not seeking advancement, a different type of role, a different size team, a new industry, or anything like that. I just want to do what I do for a company that’s not going to crash and burn or lay me off in a year.

Should I just politely fib and cite some defining characteristic of the company I’m interviewing with as something I’m looking forward to? I’m a terrible liar.

It’s fine to say, “I love what I do, but the company has had some financial struggles and I’m looking for something more stable.” Then immediately follow that up with what interested you about the job you’re applying for (so it’s not just “I ned to get out” but also includes an expression of interest in the new job specifically).

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Can I ask for a hotel room far from my coworkers when traveling for a conference?

I recently completed my professional degree and licensure in my field, and have been getting a lot of support from my employer in establishing myself.

In about a year, there’s a fairly significant professional conference for the industry. Typically these conferences are held a long ways away (sometimes internationally), and so while there are always some folks from my employer attending, it’s usually a fairly limited group due to cost — someone who is presenting, leadership representatives, and always at least one or two new professionals so they can start building their professional network.

The upcoming conference is going to be fairly close to us for the first time in a couple of decades, and our leadership has said they want everyone from the office to attend, given the proximity. They’re planning to book a block of hotel rooms, pay attendance fees, and reimburse travel. I am really excited about the opportunity.

But I’m also dreading the hotel room situation. I’m a cis male multiple sexual assault survivor, and given the cultural attitudes towards men who report having been sexually assaulted, I generally don’t disclose this information. Meet me in the waking world, and you would never know anything about it. But that’s me awake — one of the ways my particular brand of PTSD manifests is night terrors. I don’t remember them when they happen, but they’re disruptive to the people around me. My family have asked me to refrain from overnight visits because of the disruptions, and partners have related how disturbing they find it to be when one happens; I’ve even had the police called by concerned neighbors while living in apartments.

Letting my coworkers in on this information is not something I particularly want to do. I’ve seen and heard how they gossip about basically everything. I frankly don’t trust them with knowing I have PTSD, let alone the causes, and it doesn’t help that there’s a push for us to become a more trauma-informed field (which I just know means someone would decide I should become an ambassador about my experiences). But I don’t know how to avoid it in this instance. Can I ask that my hotel room be located away from where the rest of my coworkers are? I’m worried about how that will be perceived, both from a team dynamic and especially as a man — I don’t want my coworkers thinking I’m hiding hookups or being standoffish, though I think I’d prefer that over discussing why they heard me screaming in the night. Will I have to explain why, if I do so? Should I just not attend the conference, knowing that it will look like I’m not engaging with our field and may cost me professionally? Are there other, better options that you can see and I’m not thinking of?

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. After the booking has been made (but at least a week in advance of the trip), call the hotel and ask to be assigned a room in a different section than the rest of the party. They should handle this for you discreetly. You don’t need to explain why; you won’t be the first person making a request like this, and they’re likely to just matter-of-factly assign you to a different area of the hotel.

When you check in, verify that they did indeed take care of it. If for some reason they didn’t, you can repeat the request at that point. You can be vague about why; just say “for privacy reasons” or similar.

2. Interviewer arrived late and seemed offended when I didn’t pause to greet her

I was in a virtual interview that was supposed to be me (the candidate) and two panel members. Only one panel member was there at first, and he told me the manager would be a few minutes late. Didn’t bother me at all, and he and I made small talk.

When the manager arrived (the two were in the same physical conference room and talking to me on a video call), I was in the middle of a story. My personal philosophy when late to meetings is I prefer to slip in unnoticed, assuming I’d be acknowledged in due time or not at all, depending on the situation. I do think it’s a case-by-case scenario though, and while I was speaking, I debated internally whether to greet her immediately or finish talking fast. My split second decision was to not draw attention to her lateness in case she was embarrassed and finished up my story as quickly as I could.

In those few seconds finishing up, I saw her face fall and she clearly looked offended. The rest of the interview, she was stiff and dismissive, and even ended the interview early as she didn’t seem interested in asking me much. I got a rejection note a few weeks later.

Of course, there could have been a bunch of reasons I didn’t make it further in the process, but I do feel like this one interaction cemented it. I was very disappointed as this was a company I had tried to get an interview with for many years and to lose my chance over one moment is frustrating. I had done tons of research on the manager and the role beforehand and was in the room for only 20 minutes, with almost half of that spent waiting for her. When we did greet her, I made sure to show my excitement at meeting her and treated her as the leader for the remaining time, but it didn’t sway her at all.

I’m wondering if I did commit a meeting faux pas? Is there a generally accepted way to handle late attendees and I messed up? I’m more than happy to stop talking and acknowledge incoming folks. How should I have handled it, both in the moment and after I noticed her seeming offended?

I do think that in an interview, when a missing panel member shows up it’s good manners to pause what you’re saying and greet them, and then say something like, “I was just telling Cedric about X.” That’s especially true when it’s the hiring manager, but it’s gracious to do that with any panel member.

That said, it would be unusual for this to be a major factor in assessing you, and if it was, that tells you something about the hiring manager.

3. Asking about camera culture in an interview

I’m currently in the process of interviewing and wondering how appropriate it would be to ask about a company’s or team’s camera expectations in meetings. I vastly prefer not having to turn on my camera during meetings (I don’t live alone, I don’t have a designated office area in my home, etc.). I do feel like this is a relevant culture question for remote workers, but I’m worried it comes off as not being a team player or that it appears standoffish.

It’s definitely a relevant question for a lot of people. It also risks coming across a little strangely if it sounds like it’s a make-or-break question for you (which is unfair, but also the reality of it). But if it is a make-or-break question for you, you definitely need to ask. I’d suggest asking it as lightly as possible; don’t have it be the first question you ask, and make it as conversational as you can. So maybe: “What’s your meeting culture like with so many people remote — are you pretty meeting-heavy, cameras-on, cameras-off, some mix of the two?” Alternately, you could say, “My current job has us on camera a lot for Zoom calls and I’ve found it can sometimes be pretty draining — what’s your remote meeting culture like?”

4. Boss wants me to figure out a back-up for my work

Last week, I asked my (new to me) manager about goals and she said to start planning SMART goals for next year. Yesterday we were discussing my upcoming vacation and she asked what my plan was, and I said that I would have to catch up on everything when I got back. She asked if I have a back-up, and I said no, I haven’t had one for three years. She asked what normally happens — again, I said I have to catch up when I get back. She then said I need to have some sort of back-up and add that as a goal for next year. I was then told to let the outside contractors know how to contact me ONLY if something cannot wait until my return.

Last year during my sabbatical, my manager (director level) was let go, and I had no choice about monitoring emails and texts.

Am I crazy for thinking it’s not within my power to designate a back-up and that my manager is the one who would have to designate who it should be, and then I train for the back-up functions?

I just want a vacation where I don’t have to have my work phone with me at all.

You might not have the authority to assign a back-up, but it sounds like your manager is asking you to think about who would be a logical choice and what the logistics of them backing you up would look like, then come to her with that proposal. That’s a good thing — she wants you to be able to take real vacations, and she’s asking for your input on a plan that allows that to happen.

There are some jobs where your manager would simply assign you a back-up. But in others, the work is nuanced enough that you’re the person best equipped to think through how back-up needs to work (and that’s particularly likely to be the case here because your boss is new to managing you).