warning an intern about a bad manager, former colleague is running a scam, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I have warned an intern about a bad manager?

I am a middle manager in a large organization and I am second-guessing how I handled a situation with an employee whom I used to supervise.

From 2020 to 2021, I had the pleasure of supervising an outstanding intern, Anna. Anna was the kind of employee that any employer would be lucky to have. During her internship, Anna expressed interest in staying on with us after her graduation. It can be difficult to secure full-time permanent employment with our organization, and the hiring process is lengthy and onerous for managers and candidates alike. However, there is a “shortcut” for qualified former interns to transition to a permanent position upon graduation. Anna was eventually offered such a position by one of my peers, and she asked my advice on whether she should accept the offer.

My dilemma: The hiring manager was known to have terrible people management skills (not at the level of abuse or harassment, but that’s a pretty low bar). However, I chose not to share this with Anna. I didn’t want to “poison the well” or unduly influence her, and thought she was mature enough to make her own decision. I also thought that a well-paid permanent position with great benefits isn’t something that comes along every day for new grads, and the internal mobility opportunities would mean that even if this particular job wasn’t a good fit, Anna wouldn’t be stuck there for long. So, I took more of a coaching role in our conversation rather than an advice-giving one (though I did suggest she speak with current employees on the team). In the end, Anna accepted the manager’s offer.

Anna’s team has ended up being just as, if not more, toxic as I had feared and Anna’s mental health has taken a beating. Anna eventually found other opportunities within the organization but I feel terrible that I didn’t warn her to run far away from the bad manager in the first place. What, if anything, could I have done differently?

I’m a fan of letting people know when a lot of other people have found a manager tough to work with. You don’t need to come out and say “she’s a nightmare” if you don’t feel comfortable being that candid, but you can say, “I do want to warn you some people have found her to be a difficult boss. I don’t have firsthand experience, but I’d definitely suggest talking to people who have worked for her and asking about their experiences so that you’re not going in blind.” If you know specifics — or specific themes — ideally you’d find a way to share those.

“Well-paid positions with great benefits don’t come along every day and she wouldn’t be stuck there for long” is a legitimate thing for Anna to decide, but it shouldn’t be something you decide on her behalf.

2. Former colleague is running a scam

My partner, Chris, has recently gotten an advanced degree in a newer and very niche field which has documented ROI for businesses, but tends to get cut as non-essential when businesses are doing their yearly budgeting. Since it’s so niche, Chris has worked collaboratively with many people in the industry in our country (non-U.S.). Since it’s a growing industry, he’s also been tapped to teach, including for the university where he got his masters.

The problem is that last year one of his colleagues, Hank, ran a master’s program at the local university and asked Chris to teach a course, throughout which Chris came to understand the program almost didn’t happen due to enrollment being too low to justify the cost. Hank also has a small consulting business for this field. About 50% of the students in the course (all the most recent enrollees) were brand new employees of Hank’s business. Turns out, Hank had employed these new consultants on the condition that they enroll in the year-long master’s program.

Chris has been made aware from one of his former students that none of Hank’s employees have earned enough as consultants to recoup their tuition fees in the year since they graduated, and most of these employees have returned to their former industries. And still, Hank is asking Chris to teach another course for the same program as he has a fresh new crop of bright-eyed consultants to pay the high tuition fees. Chris has turned down the opportunity, citing low bandwidth, but I think he has a greater responsibility to communicate with his contacts higher up in this small university to make them aware of the ethical issue at hand. Chris is more concerned this will hurt him in the long run if Hank finds out he went above his head. How do you think he should handle this situation?

Yes, Chris has a moral and ethical responsibility to tell his contacts there what’s going on. Hank is exploiting his employees to pressure them to enroll in the program that justifies his job; it’s an abuse of power, and it’s something that the university wouldn’t want to be associated with if they knew. You should encourage Chris to think through exactly how this could hurt him if Hank finds out about it. If his fears are warranted, he can ask his contacts to investigate without naming him as the person who provided the initial tip-off.

3. Can I befriend my future coworker’s daughter?

I moved cities six months ago and am working on transferring to the site closer to home. In preparation for my new role, I’ve been meeting with people I will be working with, to start establishing my new working relationships.

Recently I met with “Beth,” who I will be working with closely. Beth seems friendly and competent and we hit it off well. I’m excited to work with her! After our initial meeting, we did some small talk and she told me a bit about her daughter. It sounds like her daughter is around my age and we have some common interests. Also, her daughter’s job is close to where I live and she is considering moving to my suburb.

Can I try to befriend the daughter somehow? Would it be weird or inappropriate to try? Do I need to wait until I’ve been at the new site for a while and have more of a relationship with Beth? Can I just ask for a number or is there a more roundabout way to approach it?

You don’t have a lot to go on here, so I think it would be too much to come out with, “I’d like to have lunch with Jane. Can you connect us?” But you could certainly say, “If Jane is looking for people to talk with about llama grooming (or whatever the mutual interest is), feel free to give her my contact info. I’m still pretty new to the area and would love to meet people who are into llama combing techniques!” Then Beth can decide, based on her knowledge of her daughter (and potentially her feelings about meshing work and family worlds in that way), whether to connect you.

4. Network separately or stick together at conferences?

I recently attended a conference with a majority of my colleagues — 160 folks at a statewide conference on a topic marginally applicable to my position (and theirs). I was going to sit with a coworker, but someone I met on the field tour the day before asked me to sit with him and I moved tables. We had good discussions on his projects, and I met four folks I had not met previously.

My question has to do with perception or best practice. The other 16 coworkers stayed in “our” group and sat together, but did mingle during the breaks and the after-hours event. I always think it is better to spread out and meet someone new and learn about how the subject impacts them, so I generally will sit with new people at conferences. My boss said someone asked if I was mad at my colleagues since I didn’t sit with them. Personally, I think my colleagues looked less approachable since they were together. Not everyone is comfortable sitting with strangers (and I am exhausted at the end of my day), so I understand. Professionally, which should happen? What should I do at the next conference (in three months)?

It’s really up to each individual attendee, but a big part of the benefit of conferences is networking so your approach is generally the more useful one. It’s a little odd that your colleagues interpreted that as you being “mad at them,” but if traditionally they’ve all stuck together at conferences, they may see it more as team bonding time than networking time. Maybe before the next one you can mention to them that you see conferences as an opportunity to meet new people in your field, which has been useful in X and Y ways, and so you try to break off from the group and talk to other attendees.

5. Who owns a work journal?

I know that work products created in the course of most regular employment belong to the organization — but what about materials that have to do with work but are entirely individual? I’m thinking of notes or reflections on one’s own performance, written in a paper notebook bought with personal funds but on the subject of work, e.g. self-determined goals, how to improve job performance or satisfaction, and so on. Stuff that feels really personal (like, wouldn’t pass it on to my hypothetical successor, wouldn’t want it to be read by colleagues or boss without redaction) but is created during the work day, related to work experiences but not work products.

Basically, I feel that my work output and experience could both be improved through more reflection and intentional goal- and priority-setting on a more granular level than I get from my boss, but I would be afraid of what I write getting into the wrong hands (though it’s unlikely, as I’d keep my notebook in my bag and we don’t have a snoopy office). But bringing a personal journal to work sounds like a terrible idea! And I would want to keep a record, not write on TP and burn it immediately after.

I feel on a basic moral/logical level that everyone is entitled to an inner world and room for errors, honest unpolished reflection, and at least a tiny bit of privacy, but I don’t think that’s totally true in reality. In practice, I don’t think it’s super likely that my notebook would be intercepted (one reason to stick to paper), but I’m still curious.

Technically under the law, your employer could argue that it belonged to them — because products relating to your work created at work belong to your employer.

But in practice, they’d be very unlikely try; it’s not the sort of thing most managers would have any interest in laying claim to. The worst scenario would be more likely to be someone misunderstanding what was in the notebook, thinking you had notes on clients or projects that someone else could benefit from, and insisting you turn it over when leaving. But you could easily avoid that by taking it home with you before you quit. Other than that, as long as you kept it in your bag, it’s very unlikely to be claimed by your company.

weekend open thread – January 18-19, 2025

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Rental House, by Weike Wang. After the daughter of Chinese immigrants and the son of a white, working class family marry, they grapple with their relationship with each other and both sets of parents over the course of a summer vacation. (Amazon, Bookshop)

* I earn a commission if you use those links.

open thread – January 17, 2025

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

CEO shared family trip photos after announcing budget cuts, new hire aggressively compliments our work, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. CEO shared family trip photos after announcing budget cuts

We just had a company-wide town hall, and the CEO — whom I’ve always known to be even-tempered and generally reasonable — kicked things off by sharing a recap and photos of his recent Disney World trip with 20 family members. This comes shortly after we were told about budget cuts, no bonuses, and rising health insurance costs that are eating into our modest merit increases. Needless to say, vacations aren’t exactly top of mind for most of us right now. Was this tone-deaf? Or am I overreacting?

It was tone-deaf.

Most people have no interest in seeing the CEO’s family trip photos at the best of times! Displaying the photos at all is weirdly self-centered for a town hall. But doing it right after announcing bad financial news is astonishingly out of touch.

2. Struggling new hire won’t stop aggressively complimenting our work

I work in a 30-person department in a much larger 10,000-person organization. The department is divided into several smaller teams with individual supervisors and team leads in addition to the more junior folk, and I’m the departmental manager.

We have a recent hire who is struggling performance wise. We have them on a PIP and are doing all we need to there. Some of the areas of improvement are really, really basic (and this is not an entry-level position) like “respond to colleagues’ email questions” and don’t no-show meetings. They don’t have much in the way of skills yet in the position either. I share this for context, that this employment relationship is really not going well. They also don’t have much grasp of organizational norms like not asking the CEO for direction on a project directly in the bathroom.

Yet this person loves to give work-related compliments. Daily “I’m so impressed by the quality of your work on this project” type of comments to me, who is more senior and decades more experienced than them. “I am struck by how passionate and hard-working this team is. Well done” after their colleagues have completed a project they had nothing to do with. Occasionally, this is peppered with unasked for, lengthy feedback on projects they had nothing to do with, with wacky suggestions for improvement. These have been easier to deal with directly.

The compliments, however, appear awkward for folks on the receiving end. I’ve noticed the immediate team barely responds anymore. It feels like this is the individual’s attempt to dominate and exert authority in areas where, frankly, they have no subject knowledge. How would you respond?

“Thank you, I appreciate that.” That’s it.

It’s possible that it’s an attempt to assert authority where they have none (the unsolicited feedback on projects they’re not involved with certainly sounds like that), but it’s also possible that they know they’re flailing and are looking for some way to better enmesh with the team / be liked / contribute something people will appreciate. It’s the wrong way to do it, but I’d look at it as an additional facet of the incompetence you’re seeing in other areas. They’re not reading situations well, they probably sense that on some level, and they’re trying to fix it … just badly.

If they were otherwise a promising employee and the inappropriate compliments were affecting their working relationships or the way they were perceived, it would be a kindness to talk to them about it. But since this is the least of the issues you’ve got to tackle with this person, a quick “thanks, appreciate it” is the way to go.

3. Calling out your company on social media

Last week Meta announced some changes to their free speech policies, including some quite awful examples of posts they will now allow, which include things like calling immigrants “dirt” and describing homosexuality as a mental illness. I don’t work for Meta, but I saw a post from a connection of a connection on LinkedIn who does work there. She’s written a long and (in my view) well-argued post, criticizing the new policy and outlining the harm to marginalized communities, including the LGBT+ community she’s a member of. Frankly I wish more people were as brave as her in calling out the terrible practices of their companies.

She has not put anything about her intention to leave, but my question is: is someone working for an organization as big and as politically influential as Meta risking their job by publicly criticizing their company on an issue like this? In my view it’s not the same as airing your office’s dirty laundry — it’s not like she’s posting about her boss Gary who she’s fallen out with. And these are major changes that will likely affect her community, maybe her personal online safety, and are quite obviously politically driven. But of course she is calling into question the wisdom of her organization’s leadership and the decisions of her colleagues, even if they are people she doesn’t know personally. What do you think?

Yes, there’s some risk to her job. Not necessarily the “call you into HR and fire you today” kind of risk, but the risk that she’ll be more likely to end up on lay-off lists? Or not be promoted into a higher-level position she might want at some point? Absolutely. (In theory there’s also the “fire you today” kind of risk, but she hopefully has enough of a read on the politics of her workplace to know whether that’s likely or not.)

It’s also true that the larger the company and the more they’re used to being part of the public dialogue (as Meta is, and especially right now), the more they’re probably used to these kinds of internal discussions playing out publicly and the less jarring it may feel internally.

4. My boss calls me, and only me, by my last name

I have been employed at my current company for 20+ years. My manager and I share the same first name. In one-on-one conversations or emails, he refers to me by my first name. In all other instances, he calls me by my last name. Others are starting to pick up on this during team meetings and they do the same. He only does this to me — everyone else is on a first name basis. It makes me feel disrespected. What is a good way to tell him this bothers me? And should it bother me?

I don’t know that he’s doing it to disrespect you, but you’re allowed to prefer being called by your first name!

My guess is that because you share a name, he might be trying to distinguish between the two of you. Obviously when he’s the one speaking, it’ll be obvious that when he says Lucien, he’s referring to the Lucien who is not him (unless he has a habit of talking about himself in the third person). But maybe he’s hoping that if he uses your last name, others will pick up on it (as they are) and it will cut down on confusion about which Lucien is being referenced when others talk. I don’t know — just a guess. Regardless, you can absolutely say to him, “I noticed you often call me Mackelberry instead of Lucien. I really prefer Lucien.”

can I tell clients not to bring in sick kids?

A reader writes:

I work at a barbershop that’s under the booth rent model, so I’m a sole proprietor.

How do I professionally tell people to stop coming in sick/bringing in their sick kids? Should I display a sign at my station as well? I don’t understand how a haircut is so important when you’re sick. Not only do I hate how being sick feels, I live with my 86-year-old grandfather and it’s not in my agenda to get him sick. It’s also very inconvenient and puts my job at risk because of having to reschedule clients.

I had a parent bring their super sick kid in on Christmas Eve. He sat in the front the entire time, but was there for a while because I cut the dad and brother’s hair too. The kids came in halfway through dad’s haircut, so I felt obligated to finish his haircut and the other brother wasn’t visibly sick so it put me in a weird spot where I felt I could only turn down the one. Ideally, I wouldn’t have cut any of their hair, but people just don’t seem to have any consideration for others. It’s happened to me so many times this past year.

Honestly, if people come in sick I think it’s fair to refuse service and charge a no-show fee. Even if they gave me 10-minute notice and just let me know they were sick, I wouldn’t charge. I don’t know if that’s how it works though. I’m just tired of people getting me sick. It has happened so many times recently, and it’s almost always from kids.

The easiest way to handle this is when people are making appointments. Whoever takes those appointments should reiterate your policies before ending the call: “We ask that you reschedule if you’re sick or anyone coming with you is sick. Please call if that happens and we’ll get you rescheduled.”

If people schedule online, have a similar policy posted there. Hell, there’s scheduling software that will require clients to check a box confirming they’ve read and agree to follow the policy before the appointment can be confirmed.

If you happen to be the sort of barbershop that has an email list of clients and/or social media, you could also advertise this policy there. It won’t reach everyone, but it’ll help to get people thinking about it.

Whether you have the ability to do any of these things as a sole proprietor in a shop you don’t own is a different question. But I’d bet you have colleagues who would add their voices to yours in pushing for it.

You’ll still probably get clients who come in sick or with a sick kid anyway, because people are inconsiderate. In those cases, are you willing to say, “I’m sorry but I can’t do the appointment while you’re sick/with a sick child here — I have to be careful because I have an at-risk family member. Let’s get you rescheduled”? If you want to offer a discount for the rescheduled appointment, that would help from a client relations perspective, but you don’t have to.

For the sake of thoroughness: you will probably lose some clients over this. Some people will be outraged that they showed up and are getting turned away (although that’s less likely if you warn them about the policy when scheduling them). So you’ll have to decide if you’re okay with that.

Ask a Manager on Bluesky

Just a heads-up that Ask a Manager is on Bluesky in case you’re over there:

bsky.app/profile/askamanager.org

If you’ve been considering trying Bluesky but haven’t made the leap: I really like it. It has a lot of the stuff that used to be great about Twitter before it imploded, plus cool features like being able to mute posts with particular keywords (so if you just can’t handle hearing anything about llamas this week, you can eradicate them from your feed), there are cool “starter packs” (so if you want to quickly follow a bunch of people who post about science or linguistics or yarn or cats or whatever your interest is, you can just subscribe to the relevant starter pack), you can have your chronological timeline back without an algorithm overruling your choices about your feed, the engagement is more interesting, and so far it’s just … nicer.

let’s discuss malicious compliance

Let’s talk about malicious compliance — times when someone purposely exposed the absurdity of a rule by doing exactly what they were told to do. For example:

“I had a boss who needed to know via email every. single. time. we stepped away from our computers (we were all fully remote). So I decided to comply 100% with her request. I told her when I’m using the restroom, that I had to put cream in my coffee, that I’m going to put on a sweater because I’m cold, I’m about to open my living room blinds, you get the point. Others did that too and after like two weeks, she said we no longer have to notify her unless it’s going to be over 15 minutes.”

•   •   •

“I worked for a company that insisted we wear our teal-colored polo shirts at all times. They only did up to a Large. I am NOT a Large, I am a short, hairy, fat, apple-shaped stud muffin (male). OK, be like that. So I wore the one they got me. The squeamish can stop reading now. Basically the stretchy fabric stretched and showed the spare tires, it didn’t cover the bottom of my belly, my moobs were prominent, and it even had chest hair poking through the fabric.

Finishing work that very day, I was asked not to wear it and to wear my usual shirt.”

•   •   •

“I work in engineering and had a program manager, Todd, who had risen through the ranks on his ‘business savvy,’ which turned out to mean ‘bullying every young engineer on his team and relentlessly cutting corners on quality.’

He came by my desk on Tuesday and asked me to run a test by Friday. Not only would this have been a crazy workload, but it was logistically impossible – the required parts to run the test wouldn’t show up for a week. (Think like, running a test of how quickly a car can stop … without installing the brake pads.) Todd sends me an email that says, ‘I think of you as someone who is committed to the success of our project, and I would hate to change that impression. Unfortunately, that is not a delay we can absorb. I have you penciled into this meeting with [Big Boss] on Monday to report the results of the completed test.’

So I’m like, okay, you know what? Fuck you, Todd. I confirm via email that he wants me to run the test without brake pads and he says yes. I bust ass to run the test without brake pads on Friday and of course it fails miserably. I send a picture of the literal debris to him on the same email chain and go immediately to happy hour.

Monday morning I come in to an angry ‘we need to get to the bottom of this failure’ email from Todd. I ignore it. Straight to the meeting with the big boss. I’m like, ‘Hey guys, I’m so sorry but I haven’t had time to pull together a slide deck since the test was just run on Friday afternoon. I do have some pictures and schedule updates to share, so Todd do you mind actually pulling up that email chain?’ I explain what happened in the most neutral way possible. Big boss is immediately like … ‘Wait, WTF, why didn’t we wait for the brake pads and do this right?’ I respond that decision was direction from the program rather than a technical decision, so Todd would be better positioned to speak to it.

Sweet revenge. He never asked me to cut corners again, and ended up leaving ‘for another opportunity’ like six weeks later.”

•   •   •

Share your stories of malicious compliance — your own or other people’s — in the comment section!

coworkers are bouncing on yoga balls on Zoom calls, paid parental leave but only for women, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. People are bouncing on yoga balls during Zoom calls

I’m at an all-remote company. Zooms are our go-to. In the Zooms I organize, I prefer videos off and most people know that. (So I don’t have to do my hair or get distracted, and it just drains me so much!) Obviously I make exceptions where called for.

But I’m at the mercy of others when I join their meetings, and a lot of them have videos on as a default. And a few of my coworkers have recently started bouncing on yoga balls and walking on walking pads throughout their meetings. This makes me feel ill/seasick! And, then I feel really irritated at them, unfairly, because they’re making the meeting more difficult for me.

Will I seem overly nitpicky, grumpy, irritable if I ask them to just do videos off when they do this? I don’t have a medical condition like vertigo or anything. I’m one of the most senior execs in the company, FYI, and the people who do this are all my level or below. (None of them report to me directly.)

As a senior exec, you absolutely have the standing to say, “Kudos to anyone choosing to exercise during this call, but please turn your camera off if that’s you. The movement is rough on the rest of us.” And if that doesn’t solve it, feel free to direct it to specific people — “Jane, can you turn your camera off, please? The activity is distracting.”

Frankly, it’s obnoxious (and maybe a little performative?) that people aren’t figuring this out for themselves and need to be told, and I bet others on the call will be silently thanking you. You also probably won’t have to do this a ton; it’s the kind of message most people will retain after being told once.

Related:
is it unprofessional to take a Zoom call from a treadmill?

2. Employer wants to offer paid parental leave — but only for women

My employer is thinking about joining the modern working era and offering paid parental leave. But … only to women. As you can imagine, the reception is mixed. On one hand, we’re excited to possibly finally have something. On the other, many staff feel like this devalues a) the role of fathers, b) the responsibility of men to care for their children and partners, and c) the role of women in the workplace generally (after all, why promote a woman who might need this leave when a man definitely won’t?). We’ve clarified that adoptive moms would qualify, so physical recovery is not the sole issue.

The employer is hinting loudly that we should be grateful that he is doing “more than he legally has to” and that he might drop it entirely if we push too hard. Any thoughts on next steps?

Well, it’s illegal. Offering different amounts of parental leave to male and female employees violates the federal law against sex discrimination (just like basing vacation leave or raises on sex would). It would be different if it were framed as “pregnancy leave” or otherwise linked to medical recovery, but it’s not. So: the strongest argument against this is that it’s illegal.

Of course, if you point that out, your employer might drop the whole thing — so you should pair it with a strong lobbying effort by employees for a legal, gender-neutral parent leave policy. If you can show that your competitors offer that, that could help too.

Related:
my company is creating a paternity leave policy, but has no maternity leave

3. My company is ignoring my reimbursement form after laying me off

I was laid off from a remote job in November 2024. I was told to ship my laptop back, given a paid shipping label and told to purchase packaging at the shipping store and submit a receipt for reimbursement. I submitted the form for reimbursement with a receipt the same day … then heard nothing.

Every few weeks I would send an email asking about the reimbursement status and would hear nothing. On the emails I’ve included my manager, my manager’s manager, and the HR representative who handled my layoff. It’s been two months and no one replies to emails (which have all been cordial). The amount of money ($30) isn’t a big deal but I’m frustrated that I followed their directions and then they’re not honoring their commitment. Also them not reimbursing me after laying me off is just rude and petty!

Any other ideas about what I can do? For context, I also signed an NDA so I probably can’t make a post on social media publicly calling anyone out.

Stop emailing and call instead! Start with HR, and if that doesn’t work, call your manager, then your manager’s manager. If you get voicemail, leave a message explaining the situation; say that it’s been several months, and ask to get it handled ASAP.

They should be replying to your emails and it’s rude that they haven’t, but one when method of communication isn’t working, moving to another will often solve it. (And who knows, it’s possible that emails from your personal email address are being filtered as spam or something. Probably not, but calling will solve it if that’s happening.)

4. Can my company completely change my job?

I am an executive assistant at a remote-first organization. There is currently no requirement to come into our office, with the exception of our front desk staff (who belong to a separate department). I have been told confidentially that due to financial constraints, a plan is in place to lay off our front desk staff and require myself and another executive assistant to perform the duties usually performed by our front desk staff (in addition to our current duties). This change would mean that I would have a completely different role than what I was hired to do, not to mention what I see as the extreme burden of being one of the only employees in a remote organization with an in-office requirement, and the significant extra work. Can they legally do this? What can I do to resist this change, other than simply walking away from a job that I really don’t want to quit? We have a union in place, which I have been told I am unable to join due to the confidential nature of my job. Would appealing to the union anyway have any influence?

They can legally change the requirements of your job. You can push back on that, of course — but ultimately they can make the change. The union probably won’t help since you’re not a member (unless they see benefit to their membership in some way, which isn’t impossible — you can certainly ask them and see).

How much standing do you have at your job? Are you a highly valued employee who they don’t want to lose? Or even a reasonably valued one who they don’t want to deal with the inconvenience of replacing? If you have a decent amount of standing, your best bet is to talk to your manager and say exactly what you said here — the change would leave you with a completely different job than the one you were hired for and significant additional burden — and that you’re strongly opposed to doing it. The trick with this kind of conversation is to walk a fine enough line that you’re not outright refusing or openly saying “I will quit over this” but leaving the strong implication that you are indeed highly likely to leave over it (maybe not on the spot, but soon). On the other hand, if you’re willing to openly say you’ll quit over it and are comfortable with whatever that results in (including “okay, we’ll be sorry to see you go but let’s set your last day”), go for it. There’s a possibility they’ll see this as an opportunity to hire a replacement who’s willing to do the new job, so this is all very dependent on how much capital you have there, how willing you are to walk away over it, how quickly you’d be willing to do that, and how much they’d care.

If the other assistant affected by this is willing to do the same, that can give you additional power, particularly if she has capital of her own to spend.

5. What is a “director of first impressions”?

I’m on the job market. I’ve been in higher ed. administration for years (also a teacher), and I’m done with it. All I want to do is help people, help an organization function well, get paid / treated decently, and stay with a good job until I retire, if ever. I’ve been on the market for roughly four months with little luck. I had one interview, which I think went well, but I didn’t get the position. Part of it, I think, is that I’m “overqualified” for the kind of role I’m looking for. The thing is, I don’t want to be in charge. I hate being in charge. I make an excellent assistant.

But then I see job adverts for things like a “director of first impressions”: “The director of first impressions will play an important role in setting the tone for the organization. As the first person and last person clients see when they are in the office, the director of first impressions is instrumental in making sure clients have a positive experience. Ability to work in a high capacity, high intensity position is a must, while maintaining a joyful and diplomatic spirit. Multitasking is necessary also, as this position is characterized by spontaneity and being ready for any phone call or visit. You will be the direct source of office support leadership, while maintaining office supplies and managing the calendar.” Good lord. I don’t even know how to respond seriously to this. Is this a receptionist role? Okay, I can work with that. Director of first impressions? I cannot.

Yep, it’s a receptionist role, with what sounds like some additional admin support thrown in. It’s a silly title, but it’s usually the sign of an organization trying to put a high premium on you making visitors and callers feel warmly welcomed and taken care of. As in, they’re not looking for the vibe visitors get at the DMV.

The best way to approach it is to ignore the title and focus on the job duties.

my friend has terrible judgment, and I’ve encouraged it

A reader writes:

A few years ago, I got a promotion in a different country. The organization I had previously worked at went through a re-structure and my position was eliminated. My good friend Suzie was promoted into a position that was very similar to my former position, but higher on the org chart and with more responsibility. We stayed in touch, mostly as friends, but with cheerleading and mentoring from the sidelines too.

This role was a big jump in responsibility for Suzie; she essentially leapfrogged quite a few positions. Complicating matters is the fact that the organization is an incredibly toxic work environment. Decades of very poor decisions and bullying behavior from senior management means there is a lot of distrust and a real us vs. them culture. It is really not possible for someone in Suzie’s position to do much about the culture; without meaningful change from the board and higher-ups, things will not change. For these reasons, I knew that Suzie would have challenges, but she had worked for the org for a long time, knew what she was in for, and has always been confident in her abilities as a manager.

Over the years, Suzie will sometimes call to vent, and I’ve always supported her. When she brought in a new policy that was not well received, I empathized; that group of employees never reacts to change well. You do the best you can to make everyone feel their complaints are heard, and then you tell them that the decision is made and they need to move on.

When she needed to take some time off and “have a break” and people were grumbling about her taking PTO, I told her she deserved her PTO and should model a good work-life balance for her team.

When she started to feel like everyone hated her and was always criticizing her, I told her not to worry; she’s the face of a problem culture, and she needs to just do her best to be fair and a good leader, and try not to take it personally when people who are traumatized and miserable can’t see her efforts.

I thought my advice was solid, based on my knowledge of Suzie and the company. But I’ve just moved back to the city, and realized I’m quite off-base. I’ve heard from many former colleagues, and seen evidence myself, that Suzie is, well, a bit of a mess. She has made some appalling decisions and displayed really questionable judgement.

That policy she made? She didn’t get any feedback before she created it or rolled it out, and it’s caused huge problems and slowed down processes across the org. When people try to raise it with her, they’re told “the decision has been made and they just need to move on.”

That PTO she took? It was in the middle of a huge and important project. Pipelines got stuck because she wasn’t there to approve and give feedback, and hadn’t set up a contingency approval structure. Then to add insult to injury, she posted photos all over social media of herself at what was basically a sex festival. (No judgment of what she does in her spare time, but it’s not really a restful weekend, and posting it was very tone-deaf. It’s also really not aligned with the values of the org.) People are demonstrably more unhappy now than they were when I was there, and they feel their complaints are never heard or taken seriously. Many people have left, so those who are still there are burnt out and feeling incredibly unsupported.

I realize I’ve contributed to the problem indirectly, because I’ve been Suzie’s champion and encouraged her decisions. My question is two-fold. First, what can I do from my position of unofficial mentor to get Suzie to be more aware of her actions, especially when she’s used to hearing nothing but encouragement from me? And secondly, how can I avoid this in the future? I realize now that whenever I give advice to people, it’s always based on their perspective of the issue, and I don’t have the nuance to give informed advice or opinions.

To some extent this is always an issue with advice-giving; you’re only hearing one side of the story and it may be biased or missing important details. You can try to dig by asking questions like, “What do you think Person X’s perspective is, and why do you think they think that?” But some people will always be unreliable narrators and you won’t always be able to spot them. (Sometimes that’s intentional on their side; they want sympathy and support and so shape the way they tell the story to get that. Other times, people just don’t realize what details would be important to mention; we see that all the time in letters here.) When you give advice, you can caveat it with “There may be internal politics in your company that would change this” or “Based just on what you’re saying and without knowing the perspectives of other people involved” … but it’s never going to be perfect, because people are imperfect narrators.

However! I do think it’s worth asking whether you leaned into supporting Suzie unconditionally without questioning her version of things at all. It’s really easy to do that when you know someone’s employer sucks; when management is incompetent, it makes it easy to assume they’re always wrong and the person you like is always right. Plus, you wanted to be supportive of a friend. But since you’re reassessing it now, you could look at whether you overlooked facts that should have jumped out more or if you dismissed things that didn’t sound quite right. If you realize that you did, that’s useful info for next time (with anyone, not just with Suzie).

There’s also a question of whether you were trying to be more mentor than friend. A mentor does have a responsibility to not only cheerlead, but also to point out blind spots and nudge when someone’s perspective might benefit from a shift. Personally, I believe good friends should do that too … but with a casual friend, I don’t think you’re as obligated to do what can be fairly heavy lifting.

Still, though, you don’t want to feel like you’ve encouraged bad decisions, which it sounds like is ultimately what happened here. So the takeaway might be to remind yourself that you never have the full scope of a story you’re hearing secondhand, that there might be other perspectives in play, and that most people can benefit from advice that encourages them to consider how someone else might tell the story.

As for how to approach Suzie on all this now … one option is to start asking things like, “How do you think Person X would tell their side of it?” and “If you wanted to make your staff feel more heard, what would help?” and “What input are you getting internally on this?” And you can start saying things like, “I can’t say for sure that this is what’s going on, but it sounds to me like…” and “Hmmm, the other way to look at this is…” or “I was once struggling with this and it turned out I’d overlooked X.” Who knows, maybe she’ll find that helpful! But whether she does or doesn’t, I think you’ll feel like you’re engaging more responsibly with a situation that you now realize you don’t know as well as you thought!

should we offer severance to a belligerent, hostile employee?

A reader writes:

I recently had to fire a manager for a belligerent, profanity-laden outburst during a board meeting. He has not been doing his job and has been suspected to be drinking or have been drunk while working (although no proof). To further complicate things, his manager has not done his job by documenting the problems and is now pushing me to provide some sort of severance for good will. However, I feel we have a termination with cause for insubordination. What is your suggestion on whether we need to pay severance in this instance? He is talking to a lawyer regarding a possible hostile workplace or wrongful termination lawsuit.

I answer this question — and two others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  • My employee gave her puppy the same unusual name as a coworker’s new baby
  • How can I see what I’ll have to sign as a new employee before I accept an offer?