updates: the complaining coworker, the coworker who won’t share a file, and more

by Alison Green on December 13, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

1. My coworker keeps complaining he didn’t get promoted — but it’s his own fault

I figured I would give an update on my coworker, Roman, who complained about not getting the promotion he thought he deserved.

The response I received pretty much solidified my feelings and I told him he was no longer allowed to complain at me as the decision had been made and it was time to move on. However, as some may have suspected when I noted his lack of soft skills, things did not improve.

A couple of months later, we had a very large project that was very stressful for the whole team and he just amplified the stress from start to finish with his constant criticism of every decision made by every single team member.

When the project concluded, the decision was made to let Roman go.

After he left, it was like a dark cloud was lifted from the entire office. Staff who barely worked with Roman all breathed a sigh of relief. Team members who were quiet before came out of their shell.

The stressful projects were no longer stressful. My anxiety about my boss taking vacation went away because Roman wasn’t there to sow unease through the team anymore.

It really does make or break a workplace when there is someone there bringing everyone else down and I respect my boss for seeing that Roman was not fit for a leadership position and for recognizing that he had become toxic to all staff in the office.

2. My manager is upset that I’m paid more and get a benefit she doesn’t get (#3 at the link)

I appreciated your advice and the thoughtful comments. My manager did stop bringing it up with me, but has stopped approving my PTO. She did initially tell me she was trying to keep it at what she felt was a fair amount…which was less than the accrual rate (think, everyone accrues 20 days annually, she felt I should take max 15 annually). It ended up going to HR who told her clearly her interpretation of fairness was way off base, but that she is within her rights to deny PTO for any business reason, which she is doing consistently. I’m checked out and job hunting.

3. My coworker won’t share a file we both use (#3 at the link)

I created my own file. It took probably most of the week to do it and it seems against logic to do it. But I have her periodically update me with anything in the sheet (so she’s also created extra work for herself). I think it would have been better to have her share her file (your advice), since it quite honestly is her job. But there are a lot of things that is her job that she fights and doesn’t have to do — my requests aren’t the only ones she refuses to do. Our other admin assistant went to work for another department so a few of her responsibilities were assumed by the difficult one. She’ll pick what she wants to do and not do the rest.

The kicker is she is in line for a decent increase due to her taking on more responsibilities with no complaint. Our manager is a really nice guy, some would even say a pushover. These are not great qualities in a manager. For those who want a “happy ending” or at the least, some karmic justice, this update will leave you dissatisfied.

4. I retired a year ago and my old coworker still calls for help (#4 at the link)

I stuck to my guns and the other employee stopped calling me for help with my former job responsibilities. There was one exception but it was genuinely something that probably couldn’t be accomplished any other way than with my help.

But afterwards I did some thinking about the bigger picture, and realized that it was okay to not be invited to those gatherings. I enjoyed the work, my coworkers are good people, but for me employment has only been a way to pay the bills. I have always made friends at work but ultimately, I wanted to make a clean break from that world, and just be myself without all the drama of a workplace.

So I am at peace with the whole thing, and a family member added my cell phone to their plane, so my monthly plan is much less expensive anyway now!

Thanks for everyone’s support and help.

5. Accidentally low-cut uniforms (#4 at the link)

I had one foot out the door at the time of my letter and gave notice soon after. I was a key person in reopening a building that had been closed for over a year (hence the new scrubs), so I was so busy with that project and training the coverage for that building that it didn’t get mentioned. I’m sure someone will say something eventually, though. There are some pretty vocal team members who will eventually go into that area and remark on the scrub design.

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open thread – December 13, 2024

by Alison Green on December 13, 2024

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

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vote for the worst boss of 2024: the finals

by Alison Green on December 13, 2024

It’s the final round of the Worst Boss of 2024 voting. We’ve narrowed the pool from eight nominees to two (see results from the first round and second round). The two finalists go head-to-head below.

A Frightful Face-Off

our boss is a jerk about bereavement leave for miscarriages

my mother-in-law manages my sister-in-law and covers up her drunk driving

You can also use this direct link to the voting.

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boss goes through my things, haircut drama, and more

by Alison Green on December 13, 2024

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My boss sits at my desk and goes through my things

I just started a new receptionist job with a very small company. This is my first time in any kind of front-desk role. When I’m at lunch, my boss sits at my desk to answer calls and greet visitors (both of which are extremely rare). I think it’s odd, since there’s a doorbell that guests can use that rings to her desk and the phones forward to her if I don’t answer them, but because I’ve never been in this type of position before, I have no idea if this is normal or not. I decided not to ask her about it in case it would make me look naive.

The really uncomfortable part is that when she’s up at my desk, she has a habit of looking through my stuff. I took notes on some of her procedures on a legal pad during training, and yesterday she went through the notes while she was covering the desk. She annotated them for me (mostly useless things like underlining things for emphasis, but in one case she misread my handwriting and thought she was correcting a typo). This made me feel very uncomfortable, like I don’t have any privacy if she’s going to be going through all my things. She never told me she would do this or asked my permission – in fact, she made a point of saying that this is my desk and I can do whatever I want there!

The most cringeworthy thing so far was when I left to use the bathroom today. I don’t have to tell her when I’m going to the bathroom, but when I came back, she was up at the front desk and waiting for me. She whispered to me, “I left some goodies in your purse,” and sure enough, there were some company-branded client gifts in there (think phone charger, USB). I was shocked that she had gone through my purse, even to do something nice. I would much rather her hand them to me or use a drawer than open my bag, which was zipped and under my desk, to put something in there. Am I overreacting or is this truly inappropriate? If the latter, how can I get this to stop?

No, it’s weird and boundary-violating. It’s not outrageous-level violating, but it’s definitely off.

I’d wait to see if it happens again before saying anything. If it does, the purse thing is the easiest one to address. You could say, “I appreciate you giving me this stuff, but I have a thing about people going in my purse — will you leave them on the desk instead? Thanks!” (Also, if you have a drawer that locks, start keeping your purse in there.)

The notes are harder since technically it’s her prerogative to look at your notes if she wants to. Because of that, your better bet may be to just switch things up logistically to make it harder for her to do it — try putting them in a drawer or under other papers. But if it keeps happening, you could say, “I don’t write those notes thinking anyone else will see them, so I feel a little self-conscious when you annotate them! I definitely want your feedback, of course, but I’d much rather get it face to face if there’s something you want me doing differently.”

The bigger issue is whether these are signs that she’s going to be boundary-violating in other ways, so keep your eyes open for that.

– 2017

2. Haircut drama is disrupting my office

I’m a manager in an Human Resources department for a large company. Back in December a new employee started in our office. “Nina” wears her hair in a pixie cut. Another employee, “Mika,” got obessed with Nina’s hair. She talked about how great it was all the time. Mika’s hair was a single length and almost down to her stomach. Nina was flattered and she showed Mika several photos of herself with the cut, which she has had for three years. She was honest about the maintenance and what goes into having the cut. Mika decided to get it and even went to Nina’s salon to get it done.

However, Mika hates the cut on herself. She has cried over it while at work and this makes everyone uncomfortable. She said she has spent hundreds on vitamins to make her hair grow faster, and she is also getting into more personal territory because she has been telling everyone about how her husband is upset that she spent the money they were saving for a vacation on an expensive wig without telling him. Mika says her husband supported whatever she wants to do with her hair and it’s not about her hair but about her spending the money without telling him. Several of her colleagues have told me Mika’s random crying and oversharing of her marital issues are making them uncomfortable. Nina has said she was flattered at first but has become annoyed and uncomfortable with Mika because Mika still likes Nina’s hair but cries about it on herself. This is Nina’s first job after college and her second job ever. I see why she is uncomfortable because while Mika is not her boss, she is not her peer and is senior to her. Nina says Mika blames her for talking her into getting the cut (even though Nina did no such thing) and then will cry and apologize to her for being harsh.

I really want to be understanding to Mika, but this situation is becoming untenable. No one wants to be around Mika and I am fairly certain Nina is job hunting. How can I gently speak to Mika about not crying every day or oversharing her marital issues with her colleagues, especially Nina?

Oh my goodness. It sounds like at this point you need to tell Mika that it’s becoming disruptive and she needs to keep this out of the office. I would say it this way: “I know you’re unhappy with your haircut, and I’m sympathetic. However, at this point continuing to talk about it in the office is becoming disruptive, and I’m sure you can understand it’s making things particularly uncomfortable for Nina. Going forward, I’d like you to keep conversations about your haircut out of the office. I know that might seem like an odd thing to ask, but it’s become such a focal point that it’s truly disrupting the office.”

Ideally her manager should have this conversation with Mika rather than you. But as HR, you can coach her manager in how to do it. (But if you feel her manager won’t do it effectively — if she’s inexperienced or terrible at delivering difficult messages — you could step in and handle it. But make sure that her manager is looped in and ready to back you up on this.)

– 2017

3. Should you tell an interviewee she has something in her teeth?

Our team interviewed a candidate today who got a large clump of lipstick on her teeth about 15 minutes in. No one brought it up. We talked for about an hour and got a good sense of her fit for the position, so it was actually a pretty good interview for us. But I kept imagining her discovering the lipstick blob afterwards and being embarrassed after the fact. I think none of us told her because she was young and we didn’t want to make her nervous, but I know I would have wanted to know if I were her. What would you (or readers) have done?

Was there any opportunity to say something to her privately (not in front of an entire panel of interviewers), and was there a way she could have fixed it privately (like on a bathroom break)? If so, you could have discreetly said something to her, ideally just at the start of that break so she could immediately fix it in private. If not, though, it’s a lot harder. I suppose in that case you could have suggested a break (even though you wouldn’t have otherwise had one) but if it was only an hour-long interview, that’s hard to do too. So ultimately, I think it’s okay that you didn’t say anything. Not ideal, but it sounds like maybe it was unavoidable for it to play out that way.

– 2017

4. Is it a red flag if all your interviewers are running late?

I recently had three interviews with a company that I was very excited about, until the actual interview process. The first interview was on a Monday and by phone. They had instructed me that they would conference call me and asked for a number to reach me. They were 23 minutes late to call. I had planned this interview during my lunch break so that I could take the call away from my office and sat in my car waiting. At 20 minutes, I decided to give them another five and then call it good, but they made it within my additional five minute allowance. They apologized profusely saying a meeting ran late, so I let it go (we’ve all been there, meeting runs late and you know someone is waiting for you but the time to get up and walk out is not appropriate).

After the phone interview, I was invited to an in-person interview to be conducted by one of the phone interviewers and two other team members. They told me to plan for 1.5 hours – I was there for 2.5 hours because they were 45 minutes late to start. I sat in the conference room waiting that entire 45 minutes without anyone coming to check on me or ask me if I needed water or the restroom. There was no excuse when they finally arrived and they dove right in without again checking in on my wait. This to me was a bit of a red flag, two interviews and late – but I again put it aside just thinking perhaps the lateness is the one person who was present for both interviews. I wouldn’t be working with that person on a daily basis, so dropped it.

They asked me to come back for a “final” interview with three new people who I had not yet met, these being higher in rank, and informed me that I would have one hour with each – again, late. The first person was 10 minutes late, the second 15 minutes late, and the third 30 minutes late (this is on top of the lateness from the previous interview). The third one was the only one to offer an excuse and told me she needed to eat her lunch prior to meeting me because she wouldn’t have time after and had an afternoon full of important meetings that she needed to be on time to. What??? The meeting she had with me wasn’t important enough to be on time?

It really felt as though they did not see me as a priority – until they made an offer yesterday. I’m not sure how I feel about being there now. The interviews went fine and the job would be an advance from what I am doing now, but I’m just not sure – the interview process was a bit of downer. Are late interview starts a new trend? I’ve been at my current job for eight years, so maybe I am missing something.

Ten minutes, even 15 minutes late isn’t a big deal in this context. Annoying, yes, but not something I’d read much into, definitely not enough to turn down an offer over. The reality is that things sometimes run late, and interviews are widely treated as something people can be a little late to. That’s a double standard, yes, but it’s one that’s widely accepted. (And actually, in that day of three interviews, once the first person was late, it’s more understandable that the others were late too — they presumably plugged something else into the original time they’d planned for you, and weren’t sure when you’d be finished with the previous person and available for them. When that third person’s slot got bumped back, it’s very possible that it really did mess up her only ability to eat for the day.)

But the longer waits and the lack of any acknowledgement or apology would worry me more. Still not necessarily enough to turn down the offer over, but I’d take it as a flag to look really hard at what else you’ve learned about their culture and ways of operating. Have you seen evidence that aside from this, they’re really on top of things and operating at a high level? Or have you seen other evidence of disorganization/flakiness? Put this in the context of everything else you know, rather than in a vacuum.

– 2017

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updates: the out-of-control birthday celebrations, boss wants a timeline for my leaving, and more

by Alison Green on December 12, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Birthday celebrations are zooming out of control (#3 at the link)

The birthday celebrations continued for the next few birthdays after I wrote, but I gradually withdrew from them by saying I was too busy to do the prep work and/or doing a quick prep and then making up a conflict for the actual birthday presentation. Thankfully, this trend died out by the time my birthday rolled around, mostly because of multiple layoffs and resignations on the team, including the manager who was spearheading the whole thing. Afterwards, when we were back in the office more regularly, one of my coworkers confided in me how awful the presentations were and they were glad they stopped! We eventually went back to the usual email well wishes.

As a side note, I am no longer at that company, but looking back I see the whole incident as a symptom of the type of workplace we had, where small things often spiraled out of control due to a) the passivity of the overall team manager and the steamrolling nature of the other manager who led the charge and b) a culture in which nobody felt comfortable speaking up when they disagreed about how things were done. I now work on a team of three and our usual birthday celebrations consist of my boss taking all of us out to a nice lunch the next day we’re all in the office, which is great because I genuinely like my coworkers and we get to enjoy the fine dining in our town on the company dime.

Thanks again for your advice and the advice from the commenters!

2. Can I make my spouse wear noise-canceling headphones at home? (#3 at the link; first update here)

I wrote to you about a year ago because my spouse wouldn’t wear noise-canceling headphones or earbuds to work from home, but was constantly shushing me and the kids. My first update was that I realized we were all on edge because one of my kids was suffering from significant anxiety and disrupted sleep at home, and addressing that improved everything.

Well, my second update is that I have moved out and we are going through a divorce. Thank you to the commenters who identified that this demand was a red flag and indicative of some pretty unreasonable expectations about family life and what our obligations were to support his needs. It really wasn’t about this moment but a bigger-picture inability to engage with our family.

It’s really hard right now, and we are all pretty sad, but unfortunately I think this will ultimately be healthier for me and for the kids. I appreciate the AAM community.

3. My boss wants a timeline for me leaving and I haven’t even given notice

I wrote to you back in September 2016, and so much has changed since then. To sum it up: that job didn’t work out, and after being let go in February 2017, I focused on finishing my master’s before diving into the job search. I was determined not to settle for another bad fit, but with bills to pay, I worked temp jobs and did grocery delivery to fill the gap. Despite applying to hundreds of jobs, the rejections kept coming. By December 2018, I was in a very dark place. It had been over two years of searching with no results.

Then, I saw a job opening at a well-respected company in the community. I’d met the recruiter months before and reached out. He suggested a position I felt totally unqualified for, but he believed I had the soft skills they needed. Desperate, I agreed to an interview, and thanks to all the advice here from you and fellow readers, it ended up being the best one I’d ever had — and I got the job. The work was challenging, but my boss was amazing and helped me grow in ways I hadn’t imagined.

In mid-2021, our company was acquired, and by early 2022, my spouse’s health declined rapidly, making their ability to work uncertain. Once again, I was job hunting, but this time I had plenty of opportunities. I got an offer for a WFH job with unlimited PTO that doubled my salary. My old boss understood, having faced a similar situation herself when her husband became disabled 10 years earlier. I’ve been in this new role since summer 2022, and it’s been a great fit, and I have the flexibility to care for my spouse, who has a rare, but thankfully non-fatal neurological condition.

I’m writing to share two things: first, never underestimate your soft skills. If that recruiter hadn’t recognized mine, I wouldn’t have gotten that job. And second, I want to sincerely thank you. Ask a Manager changed my life. Thanks to it, I’m able to support my family on my salary and care for my spouse. I’m deeply grateful for you, and the advice and support of the AAM community.

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updates: work doesn’t interest me, bringing a sippy cup to work, and more

by Alison Green on December 12, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Work doesn’t interest me anymore

I had progressed to the end stage of that job interview process I wrote in about. But what started as feelings of non-excitement turned into the strong epiphany that this ultimately wasn’t the right job for me, so I decided to remove my candidacy from the pool. From what I gather from those on the inside, it sounded like the position would’ve gone to me, but I felt no regret whatsoever to step back. I knew I made the right decision.

About a month or so later, I applied for another position I felt glimmers of excitement for. I heard great things about the team, the culture there, I knew their work well, and the position would allow me to go from managing a small team to an individual contributor role (without taking a pay cut), which was a major bonus for me. After interviewing, I was offered the position, and it’s been pretty great ever since.

And while I enjoy my work now and collaborating with other colleagues, it’s the work-life balance and flexibility my team lead offers that makes me feel closer to the feelings of excitement that I was starting to miss. They are infinitely generous with their time and energy, and they look out for their team members in ways big and small, protecting our wellbeing and always centering our needs before anything else. They also make it a point to carve out new opportunities for all of us, looking out for our career growth and development along the way. If I could give this person a medal, I would.

Although I don’t know that I’ll ever again have the level of excitement and ambition I felt early on in my career, I’m OK with that now because I’m in a place where I can do good work and be part of a team that demonstrably implements flexibility and empathy, respecting the fact that the working world has changed, that workers and their needs have changed, and that work needn’t be someone’s full and sole identity anymore. And now that I’ve been on the team for long enough to get a better sense of the pace and rhythm, I’m looking for volunteer opportunities outside of work that more closely align with my interests so that I can continue decoupling what I do for a living from who I am as a person in the world.

I feel lucky to say that it’s been a really positive experience for me so far. I also want to note how grateful I am to you and your readers for sharing their experiences in the comments section, too—they made (and still make) me feel so much less alone or weird or deficient for feeling this way about work.

2. Assigning tasks to an assistant (#2 at the link)

Firstly, my assistant’s work load was not beyond what he could get done. In fact, he’s allowed to bill up to 25 hours and he was averaging about 15 hours a week. So that was not the reason for the constant boundary setting.

The stress caused by my assistant’s “not right now but I can do it tomorrow at 10am” or “I am doing something else right now, and I can’t get to this until Friday” or “I can’t do this right now” — boundary setting responses with every single assigned task got to me in a way that I had to finally ask him to respond specifically like this: “I’ll add it to my list.”

I made it clear several times that when I assign a task, I’m not asking that it be done at the time I’m assigning it. I just need to assign and move on, knowing it’ll be done when he can get to it.

Eventually, after having to reassert many times that “I added it to the list!” is all we need to hear, that is how he responds and all is well. If there’s something super urgent, we talk about his workload to see if we can rearrange priorities, but usually he gets everything done pretty quickly so really, the timing boundaries were never really needed and did nothing but stress me out, and make me feel overly managed by my employee.

I’ve seen tiktoks and things on social media, telling employees to force their bosses into excessive prioritization of their schedule and I think it’s just brutal on the employer. We are too busy to micromanage your schedule. And if you make a mistake or need to re-prioritize, it’s not a reflection on your work, you’re not in trouble and you don’t need to be defensive. It’s part of working with others. Don’t put all of that on your boss if you’re not being pushed or over-scheduled. It’s not helpful and can turn your boss against you.

For us, it worked out though — and the vibe at work is much more productive, and calm for both of us.

3. Is it weird to bring my toddler’s sippy cup to work with me?

I wrote in a few months ago about bringing my toddler’s sippy cup into the office to rinse it out in the sink. Was I overthinking it? 100%. But I very much appreciated the nuanced response to my question! I found myself feeling weird walking down the hall holding the cup; and the feeling was reinforced by my confused coworkers occasionally calling me out on it. But to clarify, no one was ever rude about it or reacted poorly. My coworkers are all great – I think they were just caught off-guard by seeing the unexpected item and questioned it before they even realized the logical explanation of why I was holding it. And once I explained it, it was entirely a non-issue.

I was unable to respond to the comments, but I read through all of them. I appreciated the suggestions and alternative options. And I especially appreciated the commenters who “defended” not changing up my morning routine, because yes, the struggle is real in the mornings and I refuse to negotiate with my (now) 3-year-old before I’ve had my coffee! It’s not an option to rinse the cup outside or at daycare, so at the end of the day, I took Alison’s advice and changed nothing. Not only do I have some seniority in my position at the office, but I’m also the oldest in a recent influx of pregnancies and new babies among my coworkers – so I will continue to carry the cup with pride, secure in my conviction that I’m doing a social good and hopefully helping the other moms on my team (if only a little bit)!

4. I’m missing out on work conversations because I don’t smoke (#3 at the link)

I had forgotten about the Friends episode some commenters mentioned and I am an avid watcher of the program.

John was very good at his job prior to being promoted. What I meant by being “promoted out of his competency” (a term I was introduced to on AAM) was that it is difficult for him to change his mindset and have to manage his friends, interact with those who are not his “friends,” discipline staff, and be aware of how the whole department functions rather than getting input from a select few .

The smoke breaks are social, he is not going out there to hold “a meeting” and make others uncomfortable. He is a nice guy and they like spending time with him so he would be missed if he stopped going. The breaks lead to work conversations and chit chat, particularly when he and Jane walk to and from the break. My health issues are not severe enough to warrant ADA involvement.

I did not speak to John specifically about this issue and I also realized after reading the comments that for those not in his friend group his demeanor can come across as animosity, or at least indifference, which I do not believe is intentional. I did end up speaking to him about an incident where he did not communicate specific information related to my job duty but did to others who had no involvement, and he seemed to be somewhat taken aback so I don’t think he would have been receptive to having a discussion about his smoke breaks. I do plan to speak to another director, who is also above him, about my concerns. They will be dividing up the director duties at John’s level so this is a good time to have that conversation.

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update: stably employed but internally screaming

by Alison Green on December 12, 2024

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who was stably employed but internally screaming (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

Your advice and the responses to my initial letter were very insightful and validating, and it did help me accept the fact that I just don’t like this job very much. I have less than a year until my retirement account is vested so I’m not planning on leaving before then (unless I come across a really amazing opportunity) but working towards a mental expiration date is helpful.

At the same time, the spiraling I mentioned in my initial letter has, if anything, intensified. Whenever I make even minor mistakes, like submitting an expense sheet with math errors or populating the wrong column in a spreadsheet – annoying but not emergencies – I can’t help dwelling on it and feeling really stupid for a while. As minor as they are, they add up and I don’t want to be the person who submits unreliable work – even when I *think* I’m checking myself, somehow things still slip by that are glaringly obvious in retrospect (the recent letter about double-checking work also applies to me). And often when I ask clarifying or follow-up questions, I feel like I should somehow already know the answer – even when the answer is something I hadn’t even considered, which then makes me feel dumb for not thinking of it. It’s almost like the longer I work there, instead of feeling more secure in my expertise, I feel like more of a failure when I get something wrong (or just need information that, realistically, I have no way of knowing prior to asking). I’m creating a handbook for my position with step-by-step instructions for my recurring projects and my initial pitfalls so I know to avoid them in the future, and having it all written out is calming. But it doesn’t necessarily help with avoiding mistakes in the first place, or for moments where I need to exercise judgment.

Maybe I just haven’t been there long enough yet (the person before me was there for decades, so I feel like my ineptitude is even more glaring). Or maybe this is run-of-the-mill imposter syndrome, and I’m not used to it because I felt useful and needed at my last job, and had been there long enough that I didn’t spend so much time and energy second-guessing myself. Either way, it’s all further evidence that this isn’t the job for me. It also makes me think I should talk to a therapist and figure out the root causes of these feelings. No one has told me my employment is in jeopardy, and there are elements of my job that I enjoy and know I’m good at. But they tend to be one-time outliers, like thinking through how to improve a system, and not the rote tasks that make up the bulk of my day.

I wish I had a more upbeat response, but right now I’m kind of in a holding pattern and focused on keeping my head up at work and having an enriching life outside the office. If anyone has advice about how to stop spiraling, I’d appreciate it.

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all of my 2024 book recommendations

by Alison Green on December 12, 2024

All year long, I’ve made a weekly book recommendation when kicking off the weekend open thread. These aren’t work-related books; they’re just books I like, mostly fiction. Sometimes they’re books that I’m in the middle of reading, and other times they’re just long-standing favorites.

Here’s the complete list of what I’ve recommended this year (maybe in time for holiday gift-shopping!). I’ve bolded my favorites of the favorites.

Master Slave Husband Wife, by Ilyon Woo. The true story of an enslaved husband and wife who escaped slavery in the American south by posing as a white man (her) and “his” slave (him). This is utterly engrossing and will keep you up all night telling yourself you’ll just read one more chapter.

The Dinner Party, by Brenda Janowitz. Taking place over the build-up to a Passover seder and its aftermath, a family’s matriarch is extremely excited about hosting the rich family of her daughter’s new boyfriend but things go differently than planned.

Wallflower at the Orgy. Hilarious essays by the brilliant Nora Ephron on everything from warring restaurant reviewers to Cosmo editor Helen Gurley Brown.

The Golem of Brooklyn, by Adam Mansbach. A golem learns English by binge-watching Curb Your Enthusiasm and taking LSD and then heads out to defend the Jews. This was amazing.

Woman, Eating, by Claire Kohda. A lonely young artist, who’s also a vampire, desperately wants to find her place among humans as she struggles to come to terms with her relationship with her mother.

We Were Once a Family: A Story of Love, Death, and Child Removal in America, by Roxanna Asgarian. An infuriating, heartbreaking look at how six kids ended up removed from their families and adopted by a couple who abused and killed them. Much of the press coverage of this case focused on the adoptive couple; this book instead focuses on the kids’ original families and how the child welfare system failed them horribly.

Come and Get It, by Kiley Reid. The lives of a college RA, three dorm roommates, and a visiting writer intertwine in surprising ways. It’s about race, money, bad choices … and it’s so, so good.

Good Material, by Dolly Alderton. Reeling from a breakup with his girlfriend, a struggling stand-up comic tries to figure out why she left and how to move forward. Like everything she writes, it’s funny, relatable, and a good time.

Swanna in Love, by Jennifer Belle. A teenage girl, dragged with her little brother by their mother to an artist colony where kids aren’t welcome, becomes involved with a much older man. The subject matter is disturbing, but the writing is so good and perfectly captures the weird/heady/terrifying mix of naivete and bravado that is adolescence.

The Wife App, by Carolyn Mackler. Three friends create an app to monetize the mental load women typically carry for men.

You Only Call When You’re in Trouble, by Stephen McCauley. A man going through a break-up and his niece, who’s in a professional crisis, navigate their relationships with their high-maintenance sister/mother. It’s quietly funny.

A Beautiful Rival, by Gill Paul. This is a fictionalized account of the professional rivalry between Elizabeth Arden and Helena Rubinstein, and I was strangely riveted.

Annie Bot, by Sierra Greer. A robot designed to be her owner’s perfect girlfriend develops her own consciousness and starts to question what she wants, and deserves, from the world.

The Husbands, by Holly Gramazio. A woman discovers that the ladder to her attic produces a seemingly endless supply of husbands. I didn’t know where this was going at first, but it ended up being surprisingly engrossing.

Victim, by Andrew Boryga. A man from a disadvantaged background finds success by embellishing his life story. Things don’t go entirely accordingly to plan.

Like Happiness, by Ursula Villarreal-Moura. When a reporter calls, a woman reexamines the relationship she had with an older writer as a young woman. Excellent.

A Love Song for Ricki Wilde, by Tia Williams. A florist trying to break free from her socialite family finds a strange connection with a musician. It’s romance, but it’s also about chosen family, magic, and the Harlem Renaissance, and Tia Williams writes so beautifully.

Funny Story, by Emily Henry. When a librarian’s fiancé leaves her for his long-time best friend, she moves in with the ex’s new fiancée’s ex-boyfriend.

The Ministry of Time, by Kaliane Bradley. As part of a study of time travel, a government employee is assigned to be the minder of a military commander from 1847. A culture clash ensues, as does a romance and a thrilling mystery.

Very Bad Company, by Emma Rosenblum. An executive disappears at a dysfunctional start-up’s annual retreat. If you like company gossip, even if not your own, this is very fun.

I Hope This Finds You Well, by Natalie Sue. A not-well-liked office worker who sticks to herself accidentally gains access to all her coworkers’ emails. It’s a surprising combination of darkly funny and sweet.

Within Arm’s Reach, by Ann Napolitano. Told from alternating perspectives, it’s the story of three generations of a large Irish-Catholic family that is forever changed when the matriarch becomes ill and one granddaughter unexpectedly gets pregnant.

The Paris Novel, by Ruth Reichl. When her difficult mother dies, a woman is left a plane ticket and instructions to go to France, where she finds the unexpected.

Margo’s Got Money Troubles, by Rufi Thorpe. A 20-year-old with a new baby turns to her pro wrestler father and a demented OnlyFans account to help support them. I did not expect to love this as deeply as I did.

Same As It Ever Was, by Claire Lombardo. A woman with a rocky history with her mom tries to navigate a life very different from her own upbringing. It’s about family, friendship, self-sabotage, and overcoming the way you grew up. It’s long — at times, I thought too long — but ultimately satisfying.

The Mythmakers, by Keziah Weir. A young writer recognizes herself in a short story by an author who she met years ago and tries to find out why.

Jackpot Summer, by Elyssa Friedland. In the wake of their mother’s death, three of four siblings win Powerball, but it turns out becoming millionaires overnight isn’t what they’d expected.

Hope, by Andrew Ridker. The ground shifts under each member of a family after one of them is caught falsifying data at work. Publishers Weekly called it a “pitch-perfect portrayal of Jewish American life.”

Sandwich, by Catherine Newman. This is the story of a family during their summer beach vacation, as the mom struggles with menopause, her kids getting older, and her aging parents. There are some very vivid descriptions of sandwiches, as well as the push and pull of family.

The Unexpected Mrs. Pollifax, by Dorothy Gilman. A bored widow in her 60s walks into the CIA and walks out with a job as a secret agent.

Zero Stars, Do Not Recommend, by MJ Wassmer. A couple is trapped at an expensive resort after the sun explodes.

Fleishman Is in Trouble, by Taffy Brodesser-Akner. A man looks back at the break-up of his marriage as he fields dating, raising two kids, and the disappearance of his ex-wife.

A Likely Story, by Leigh McMullan Abramson. The daughter of a celebrated author struggles to succeed as a writer herself. Ethical missteps and family secrets abound.

Then She Found Me, by Elinor Lipman. A quiet teacher find her life changed when her birth mother — a flamboyant and somewhat narcissistic talk show host — finds her.

Really Good, Actually, by Monica Heisey. Reeling from the break-up of her marriage, a 20something woman tries to figure out dating after divorce, her ex, and how much you can really ask of a group chat. The main character isn’t very likable, but the writing is extremely funny.

Colored Television, by Danzy Senna. An author struggling to finish her book gets sidetracked by Hollywood. It’s a satirical take on race, marriage, career, writing, friendship, and betrayal.

Somewhere Beyond the Sea, by TJ Klune. The long-awaited sequel to the House in the Cerulean Sea, in which the two men running an orphanage for magical children must fight against danger from the outside world. Nothing will match the magic of the first book for me, but I was very happy to visit this world and these characters again.

A comfort re-read: Barbara Pym’s Crampton Hodnet, in which gossip and romance disrupt the sedate pace of life for an elderly woman and her paid companion.

Another comfort re-read: The Inn at Lake Devine, by Elinor Lipman, in which a Jewish teenager gets entangled in surprising ways with a family that runs a “gentiles-only” inn.

Blood Test, by Charles Baxter. A mild-mannered father is thrown after a blood test predicts he will turn to a life of crime.

Amp’d, by Ken Pisani. After an accident leaves him short one arm, a man moves back home with his father and tries to rebuild his life. Far funnier than you expect it to be.

Trust and Safety, by Laura Blackett and Eve Gleichman. Sick of NYC and searching for a more meaningful life, a couple buy a dilapidated house upstate but find rural living isn’t what Instagram had promised. Meanwhile, their attractive and deeply cool tenants seem to have landed in exactly the life they’d wanted for themselves.

All Fours, by Miranda July. What to say about this book! It’s about marriage and parenthood and sex and perimenopause and obsession and trauma and aging and understanding yourself and being female. It’s intense and uncomfortable and I couldn’t put it down. And I know that tells you nothing, but saying that it’s about an artist who sets out to drive across country when life takes a detour wouldn’t come close to touching what it really is.

And if you’re looking for more, here are my lists of book recommendations from 2023 … from 2022 … from 2021 … from 2020 … from 2019 … from 2018 … from 2017 … from 2016 … and from 2015.

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my employee is vaping on video calls

by Alison Green on December 12, 2024

A reader writes:

I manage a team that has moved to remote work. We are now holding all of our meetings through virtual interfaces. Recently I have noticed one of our employees vaping during our meetings with me and during all-staff meetings. Do you think this is appropriate or should I say something?

I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  • My employee uses distracting verbal fillers
  • Should I tell candidates to stop applying for jobs they don’t meet the requirements for?
  • Telling someone we’re reopening but not hiring them back
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