Ask a Manager

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I didn’t get hired because I wasn’t “high energy” enough

I interviewed with a start-up recently and I think it went well: the standard recruiter call, the hiring manager call, then a call with a would-be colleague who I’d work in parallel with.

The day after the third call, the recruiter called and said they wouldn’t be moving forward with me for the role. I asked for feedback on how I can improve, and they said there really wasn’t anything negative, just that I wasn’t as strong as other candidates. So I asked again, what could I have done better that the other candidates showed? They said I wasn’t “high-energy” enough and that the other candidates were.

I know these people don’t know me that well because we only spoke for less than two hours total, but I am a very enthusiastic and energetic person. Others have recognized this in me, both at work and in my personal life. I even texted former coworkers about this and they essentially said “ha!” when I asked if I wasn’t a high-energy person.

I don’t know what to make of this feedback. I felt I brought my authentic self to this interview process, as I do for all the others. I ended the third call saying I was excited about the role and looking forward to working together. I’ve been working in this space for a few years now so I know how to talk, act, think, etc. for this crowd. But now I’m not so sure.

Is this just recruiter BS? Is this something that’s a valid criticism? And how would I demonstrate my energy levels authentically in an interview?

I wouldn’t put a ton of stock in it. Especially because the recruiter didn’t say it until you pushed for feedback a second time, it’s entirely possible that they took an off-hand comment the hiring manager made and put more weight on it than it deserved. (For example, the hiring manager commented that she liked that one of the other candidates was high-energy, and the recruiter turned that into a deficiency on your part because you were pushing for something — when it doesn’t necessarily mean that at all.)

Of course, it’s always good to reflect on feedback, even if it seems off-base to you. But it sounds like you’ve done that.

That said, some quick thoughts on ways to demonstrate energy: varying your tone of voice/not using a monotone, smiling, nodding, eye contact, paying attention to your posture (leaning forward a bit comes across differently than leaning back the whole time), asking thoughtful questions, finding ways to make a personal connection to the position, moving with some urgency when things are asked of you (like not delaying if you’re asked to send references) … and if you’re really concerned, you could do a mock interview with someone and get their feedback. But again, it’s likely this was just a recruiter reaching for something when pushed for feedback.

2. Should I tell a younger coworker to rein in their clearly audible aggravation?

A couple teams share my office suite, and one of them currently only has two full-time members, who are both 23 years old. They’re good at their jobs, but they’ve been forced to take on a lot of extra work with no extra help. Their boss resigned months ago, and no one has replaced her yet.

As time goes on, one of them has become more and more downright contemptuous about all other teams. I see their point, but the expressions of frustration are beyond office norms. We have plenty of gallows humor, but I hear them cursing out emails from across the floor at least once a day. Today, we were in an elevator with other employees, and they were naming and shaming a C-suite boss. While walking to the C-suite floor, they loudly said one department must be illiterate.

I once had their job and really sympathize with them. And frankly, I don’t care if they hate everyone. I get it! But I feel like they’d benefit from someone saying, “I know how pissed you are. Keep the cursing to under your breath, and do not say anything bad outside our office. No one else knows our culture, and it sounds really spiteful.”

I am in no way their boss, just a colleague who’s been here many more years but is still a relatively young person. Is there any graceful way to give this note, or does it cross into unprofessional feedback they didn’t ask for?

A reasonable person would appreciate that feedback and would want to know if they were potentially causing harm to themselves. I don’t know if this particular colleague is reasonable or not, but it would be a kindness to say it. Explain you know how frustrated they are and why, and they’re not wrong to be upset — i.e., establish that you’re on their side about that part — but that they’re not doing themselves any favors by being overheard talking the way they’re talking. Give a couple of examples and explain what could happen if someone other than you heard them. If they don’t appreciate it, that’s on them, but it’s not overstepping by trying to help, particularly given how new to the world work they are.

Don’t keep harping on it, obviously; this is a one-and-done conversation, and then it’s up to them what they do with the info.

3. Employee keeps calling me “hun”

How do I address an employee who keeps calling me “hun”? While I do not believe there is malicious intent, I prefer not to be called that. This is someone who does not report to me, but I am in HR so it’s a bit weird that he feels comfortable doing so. He has only done so via email but not yet over the phone (but I know it’s coming). What makes it even stranger is that he is young (22). I’d be more inclined to let it go if were an older person, but I just can’t let it slide. It feels condescending. Any suggestions or wording to put an end to this?

“Please call me Jane, not hun — thanks!”

And if that doesn’t immediately put a stop to it, have a word with his manager because it’s highly likely he’s doing it to other people and should be told to cut it out.

4. How can I talk to my employee about accommodations for her ADHD?

My current supervisee used to be my supervisor. We both did other things for a year and returned to our company, this time in a different division, of which I’m now the lead. We had a frank discussion about the change in dynamics and so far, things are going decently well.

My question is how to talk about accommodations, if appropriate, with her. In our previous roles she had shared that she had recently been diagnosed with ADHD and other learning disabilities. I was her supervisee at the time so I didn’t ask questions. When we transitioned into our new roles, she made an off-handed comment about her diagnoses, so I asked her if there were any accommodations in place that I should be aware of. She said she didn’t need any, and was handling it.

But, she isn’t. There are lots of things falling through the cracks. She has trouble following conversation threads, misses meetings, forgets things, and doesn’t follow through. I’ve addressed each thing as they have come up and asked her input on how to improve, but because I know what I know about her, I wonder if she really could benefit from some accommodations. However, I don’t know what those would be and our history together and the potential HR issues implicated here complicate things. I sought out the advice of our HR department, but they were unhelpful.

You’ve got to use a pretty light touch when it comes to pushing someone to seek out formal medical accommodations. You should name the issues you’re seeing, and you should say that those problems are serious enough that things are at the point where you need to figure out solutions — but beyond that, the most about accommodations specifically would be something like, “I want to hear from you what you think might help, including potentially whether it’s something we could approach from an accommodations standpoint.”

You could also look at the Job Accommodation Network’s suggestions of accommodations that can be helpful for ADHD and think about whether you want to suggest trying any of those — not necessarily in the context of “this is a formal accommodation for your ADHD” but just as strategies in general (since many strategies for ADHD can be helpful in a whole variety of contexts).

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss’s speeches are way too long

The head of our office is frequently invited to give opening remarks at events, and our new boss is very passionate about speaking … to the point where he is just talking way too much.

To give two recent examples, he was asked to provide three to five minutes of remarks, and spoke for 45 minutes. At another event, he was given 20 minutes to do a more in-depth speech, and he spoke for an hour and a half. These were both dinners, and the food was cold by the time it came out! At other events, he’s caused the scheduling to run massively overtime, and on several occasions the main content of the event has had to be cut from the schedule.

His role is quite high-ranking (think politician/CEO), so no one is in a position to stop him once he gets going. Generally a staff member will write the speeches so we can monitor length/content, but this boss insists on either writing his own from scratch, or greatly expanding on whatever notes were provided to him. A couple of staff have quietly suggested he keep speeches short when passing on a request we’ve received for remarks, and he reacted quite angrily.

Do you have any suggestions on how we lowly staff can gently approach him to give feedback? I’m afraid we’ll stop being invited to attend events, which would be hugely detrimental to our office.

If he didn’t have a history of reacting angrily when people bring it up, sure. In that case you could say, “We’ve been hearing from event organizers that your remarks are going too long and throwing off the rest of the program, and they really need you to stick to X minutes and no longer.”

But since he does have a history of reacting angrily, you need someone high-up and influential to address it with him — a board member, a major donor, possibly a second-in-command or another senior leader who he respects, the head of an event he really cares about appearing at — someone whose feedback he’ll feel obligated to take seriously.

It that’s not an option or it doesn’t work, all you can really do is try stressing the schedule to him right before he speaks … and maybe discreetly mentioning to event organizers that he tends to run long and they’ll need to be assertive about managing his speaking time if they want to stick to their schedule; they may have tools to do that if they’re prepared ahead of time. But otherwise … this is who your boss is and if he lashes out at feedback, you can’t fix that for him.

2. Etiquette when someone is coughing right next to you

Last week I was sitting at a conference presentation and the person behind me started coughing. They were unmasked, as was I. I am low-risk for Covid complications, and have accepted the risk I’m taking going unmasked in public settings, but I still don’t want to expose myself when someone around me clearly seems ill.

I didn’t know this person, so I don’t know if they were sick/just allergies and didn’t feel comfortable asking. I didn’t want to offend them (or get into an argument) by masking up when they started coughing, and for the same reason I didn’t move my seat (we were in the back and they would definitely have seen me move, plus I didn’t want to disrupt the presenter). For the same reason, leaving the presentation entirely wasn’t an option. I chose to do nothing, sat there trying to not visibly wince every time they coughed, and took a ton of vitamin C as soon as I got home! If (when) I find myself in this situation again, what’s the best way to handle it in a way that keeps me as germ-free as possible, while not insulting anyone or risking a scene?

The best thing you can do is to carry your own mask and put it on if you feel uneasy. You can’t control what someone else is doing, but you can take steps to control your own level of exposure. It sounds like you felt that would be a rude and obvious reaction to their coughing, but it’s not rude to take measures to protect yourself (and they don’t know what your situation is; maybe you meant to be masked the whole time and forgot until the sound of a cough reminded you) … but if they do take offense, that’s their own issue. If they comment on it (unlikely from someone sitting behind you mid-presentation, but not impossible), you could just cheerfully say, “Yeah, I can’t risk getting sick right now, should have had this on the whole time!” If they have Feelings about that, that’s on them. You’re protecting yourself, not asking them to do anything differently.

That said, I also think it would have been fine to get up and move. If they saw you, oh well! If someone is coughing in public, some people might choose to keep a distance. That’s just how it goes. An alternative is to get up for a different reason — grab some coffee or go to the bathroom — and then choose a different seat when you return.

Obviously there’s also a whole thing here about how people can spread infections without coughing or having other visible symptoms, but you’re aware of that and it’s not unreasonable to calibrate your level of risk tolerance to “if you visibly have a higher chance of being ill, I want to take extra protection.”

3. Employee turns in paperwork with gross things on it

Is there a good way to address what I think are occasional dried boogers on paperwork? I can’t believe I have to ask this. I’m a manager and starting a couple months ago (with an employee I’ve had for 10 years) it has become a not-too-uncommon event to find dried boogers on paperwork they turn in. I don’t want to keep dealing with it, but I’m afraid of what happens after I say something. We all have embarrassing habits and I don’t think I could return to the office if anyone ever had to have a conversation like that with me.

Gross, what the hell! You could address it without speculating on what the, uh, foreign matter is: “Could you please ensure your paperwork is clean before you turn it in? Lately there have been things smeared on it.” If they seem confused, hand one of the papers back and say, “Like this — I’m not sure if it’s food or something else, but I’d like you to be more careful to keep paperwork clean.”

But also: is something else going on with this employee? This seems awfully similar to people who purposely do gross things to bathroom walls as an act of hostility. Eeeww, I’m going to stop thinking about it now, but sadly you have to.

4. Can I call out a hiring manager for excessive back-channeling?

A few weeks ago, I turned down an offer for a position with a company I’d been referred to by a friend. This friend’s organization is a client of the agency that made me the offer.

During the hiring process, the co-founder had reached out to my friend for a back-channel reference check, which I thought was a bit odd. I would’ve been happy to have that conversation with him and answer firsthand, but my friend did splendidly. I brought it up during a subsequent chat but didn’t make a fuss. However, that prompted me to listen much more carefully, and several red flags were raised, which is why I ultimately turned the offer down. The CEO and his right-hand dude both received my email response to their offer.

Cut to now, almost a month later. I receive a text from my friend showing the message she received from the CEO on LinkedIn. He states that he offered me a much higher salary than I expected but that “something that was said during the offer must’ve turned (me) off”, and he was hoping he could get some “back channel feedback” from her.

I’ve already drafted an email to the CEO, because I feel very icky about the whole thing — that he’d reveal something like this to my friend, a third party to this entire process, feels like my privacy was violated. It’s also dragging her into this unnecessarily, which I find inconsiderate of them. Especially when they could’ve written to me directly at any point, but chose not to. I know it’s template “tech dude heard a tip about back-channeling at a conference and figured he’d do this all the time,” but I feel like someone should at least try to shake it out of him. Am I off-base, or is this just deeply out of touch with professional norms?

It’s not off-base that he contacted your friend for a reference — she’s their client and she referred you for the job; it would be surprising if if he didn’t ask for her thoughts on you. When someone refers a candidate for a job, it’s understood that they might be asked for their impressions about the person. That part isn’t weird or inappropriate.

The message after you turned down the offer is odder — not necessarily because he asked if she had any insight into what went wrong (they have a relationship, she referred you) but the way he asked it is a bit off (sharing the salary thing, calling it “back channel feedback,” implying they must have turned you off in some way rather than you just not thinking it was the right fit). Also, there’s not always a sharable story when you turn down an offer, especially not one you’d want someone else to share on your behalf. So I’d say that was a bit off, but not shockingly so, and not something worth calling him out for.

5. Screening candidates when your candidates aren’t great at applying and interviewing

As a candidate I’ve read so many of your Q&As and tips on writing resumes, cover letters, interviewing skills, etc. and it’s made such a massive difference to the interview process each time I’ve been on the candidate side, so firstly — thank you! Secondly, from an employer/manager side, I’d love to get your thoughts on what to screen for, or what to do, when you aren’t getting applicants who have done these things.

We are hiring in a relatively competitive market for a mid-level job (non-management) at a mid pay range (on the high end of industry and role salary bands, but not over and above) and what I’ve noticed is that the majority of candidates are not writing cover letters, or when they do both the letters and their resumes aren’t personalized to the job at all. Oftentimes its clear even at the interview stage that they haven’t put any effort in to researching the company or industry, and these are the best of the candidates applying.

I guess my question is in this type of situation, do I take it as a mark against them (I am happy and able to keep the position open and keep searching) or do I accept that this is the standard of applications and focus more on their skills? Part of this is I see it as a bit of a double standard — I would never send an application/interview like this but I am aware I am a very career-oriented person — but maybe this is okay in some situations?

Yes, it’s okay.

When you’re the one looking for a job, it’s in your interests to present the most compelling case for yourself as a candidate that you can. That’s what all the advice about strengthening your resume and cover letter and prepping for interviews is about.

But when you’re hiring, your job is to identify the candidates most likely to excel in the job. That doesn’t necessarily mean the person who wrote the best cover letter or prepared the best! Those things help candidates show you who they are and why they’d (hopefully) excel at the job — but they are means to an end, and you only need to be focused on the end (which is finding the strongest person for the job). You’re not looking for the person who’s the best at job-hunting; you’re looking for the person who will be the best at the role you’re hiring for. Candidates who take the sort of job-search advice here make it easier for you to see when that’s them, but them doing it/not doing it isn’t on its own a reason to hire/not hire them.