my employees can’t move on after I yelled at them, boss found out I’ve been hiding mistakes, and more by Alison Green on January 22, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My employees can’t move on after I yelled at them I do not deny I have yelled at some of my employees out of frustration. I am in my 60’s and had several strokes and my demeanor is short. I have apologized, but the group of employees cannot get past the fact that I yelled and are now holding it against me. I know that I am out of touch with the younger generation, having grown up in the late 60’s and early 70’s and in a military household I would like to say, “Knock it off and get over it,” but I know that would make things worse. As an engineer, I am black and white with no emotions….kind of “shut up and get the job done.” Any advice on how to address the employees to get them past my past harsh yelling? Normally I’d say to sincerely apologize and vow you’ll treat them more respectfully going forward … but that’s not going to sound genuine if you don’t really see what the big deal is and still think your employee should just “get over it.” Yelling is abusive and it’s not reasonable to be frustrated that they won’t just get over it. I’m skeptical that you’ll be able to move past this unless you can find a way to see their point of view … and to do that, you have to be sincerely interested in learning, not just in trying to make the problem go away. Part of what you need to learn is why your employees — and most employees, particularly people with options — won’t tolerate being spoken to abusively. The other thing you need to learn is better management skills; you yelled out of frustration, which means you don’t know how to get what you need as a manager. That’s a skills deficiency on your side, not theirs — and this won’t get better unless you learn how to get things done without losing your temper. More advice here and here. 2. My boss found out I’ve been hiding mistakes from her I work at a pharmacy. At the interview, my boss said that she demands one thing: to tell her when I make any mistakes. I’ve been there for a year, and I didn’t tell her that I forgot I’d left the keys to the pharmacy attached to the outside doors three times. In fact, she discovered that after my colleague found them attached to the door at closing. She then talked to me (with no yelling) and said that this should not be repeated. Fast forward to two months after that, I made a mistake by not telling a patient that they should pay an additional fee and didn’t tell her because I planned on paying the fee myself, and by that I would be solving the problem without her knowing. My colleague again told my boss, and she got mad at me. I talked to her, and she repeated her words but didn’t mention anything about firing me or repercussions. But I noticed that she and everyone at the pharmacy are ignoring me. I really love working there and i respect my boss and love her so much. What should I do ? This is my first official job after graduating. However, i worked while studying in a toxic environment for two years where hiding mistakes and trying to fix them yourself was done at a daily basis. Leaving the keys in the door outside a pharmacy is a really serious mistake; it’s giving access to a bunch of controlled substances to anyone who wanders by! Humans make mistakes, but if it happened three separate times, you’ve really got to figure out what’s happening that’s allowing that. Two times would be bad! Three is … very bad. I’m not trying to berate you, but I can’t tell from your letter if you realize that so I’m flagging it. The thing about not telling your boss that you messed up a fee and instead planned to pay it yourself — when she specifically told you the thing she cares about most is that you tell her about mistakes — is also bad. Strategizing to deceive her is a big deal! She needs to know because there could be consequences she’ll need to deal with. (For example, off the top of my head, if that patient is charged the correct fee in the future and is confused about why she wasn’t charged it previously, people need to know what happened. It could also point to a need for more training, which is info she’s entitled to as your boss.) It’s smart to identify that you’re carrying over behaviors from an old job where hiding mistakes was normal, but in this environment, it’s a dysfunctional behavior. Your boss sounds like someone who won’t respond harshly to mistakes themselves, but cover-ups could get you fired. To make this right, talk to your boss and explain that you used to work somewhere where mistakes were handled very differently but you understand how important it is to be open and up-front about mistakes at this job, and you’re committed to doing that going forward (and say you know that you’ve handled it wrong up until now). But you have to really mean that — if you cover up another mistake, it’s likely to be impossible to come back from it. Related: how to rebuild your credibility after messing up at work 3. When I provide info to a coworker, he forwards it as-is without warning me I have a coworker who is intermediating between me and other people (clients, our superiors, etc.). Several times now he has asked me for some information, and then followed-up with, “Okay, I’ll pass it on like that.” This feels really weird to me. I was writing my messages to him specifically, and I assumed he would repackage that information accordingly (possibly with a more formal message, or also with other data), before informing others. If I knew my message would be going directly to another party from the beginning, I would have written it very differently! Am I off-base here? It’s definitely not unusual to write differently for one audience than another; you might be much less formal with a peer than with a client or a manager, or you might use shorthand with the former that you wouldn’t use with the latter. That said, your coworker may be judging that what you provided works fine as-is for his purposes. Either way, now that you know he does this, just start assuming that it may get passed on exactly the way you say it and write it accordingly … or you can explicitly say, “If this needs to go to a client or higher-up, I’d like to express it a bit differently so please let me know if that’s the case.” (Or you can even ask that before responding.) 4. Are colorful tights okay for work? I work in government and there is no real dress code in my office. People wear polos and tees or blouses and dresses. Some people wear jeans. I like to be a little more dressed up and was wondering if I wear a pair of lilac tights under a white sweater dress would this be appropriate for the office. What do you think? Yes! 5. How can I reject a job offer and still be considered in the future? I just got my first adult job offer after finishing school. The job itself is perfect — the people are nice, the hours and workload are better than 90% of similar positions I’ve seen in this field, the compensation and benefits are great. I even felt like I clicked well with my potential colleagues. My problem is the location. The position is in a small town an hour away from a big city. The winters are known for being cold and gloomy, which I am normally okay with, except I would be moving by myself (I’m single with no children and no family in the area) and anticipate it could get very lonely quickly. I was originally planning to live in the city so I could more easily meet other young single professionals, but I don’t think the commute would be feasible with this type of work (I tested the drive when I flew in for my interview). I do know some of my potential colleagues from previous training, but one is my ex, and while we are on good terms, I don’t think it’s smart to have my main support system be my ex (especially if one of us starts dating someone new who isn’t comfortable with our friendship). If I declined the job offer at this time, is there a way to make it clear I still love the company and would happily reapply if my social situation changes? (I would happily move to the small town where the job is at once I’m married/have a partner, especially if we have kids. It’s an ideal family town, but not so ideal for singles.) How would I communicate that now and in the future, and without burning bridges? I wouldn’t make it about your social situation — that’s a little too much information. Instead you could say something like, “I really like the company and its work but after a lot of thought, I don’t think I’m ready to make the move right now. So I’m declining, but I’d love to leave the door open for the future if a move does become possible for me.” You may also like:I yelled at my employees and they walked outshould interviewers give job candidates a way to contact them?my coworker responds to all problems with "at least you don't have cancer or an eating disorder" { 34 comments }
the cheap flights, the bursting jacket, and other stories of malicious compliance by Alison Green on January 21, 2025 Last week we talked about malicious compliance — times when someone purposely exposed the absurdity of a rule by doing exactly what they were told to do. Here are 14 of my favorite stories you shared. 1. The requisitions I worked for a fairly large, regional bank that covered about three states with nearly 9,000 employees. The CFO decided that everyone was wasting money on frivolous things like office supplies. He mandated that ALL requisitions for any supplies must come through him. ALL OF THEM. This of course held up the process so even getting a needed pen could take over a month. Some of the managers got together and quietly decided to do just that — send him a requisition/ request for every single box of pens, box of paper, box of toilet paper, single toners, etc. One box/item at a time. It lasted two weeks. 2. The jacket It’s not nearly as maliciously compliant as the teal polo guy, but I had something similar at an office where I worked where we had to wear these (ugly) button-down jacket things so we would all look neat and presentable for clients. It was in the employee handbook that you had to wear the jacket, closed, at all times. At one point I was pregnant and I knew it wouldn’t fit me much longer, so I emailed HR explaining the issue and asking if I could get another one in a bigger size or if I could stop wearing it. I was told no and no. Ummm. So I kept wearing it, even as it started stretching at the buttons (I wore a t-shirt underneath). Eventually there were certain buttons in the middle I couldn’t button (it was a long jacket), so I left those middle buttons open. I looked absolutely ridiculous. This lasted until one day in my eighth month, when HR came marching over to my desk to tell me I shouldn’t wear the jacket anymore. 3. The insulin pump I’m a type 1 diabetic, and I have an insulin pump. It beeps to alert me to issues, but different beeps mean different levels of urgency. After the first beep, I tend to pull my pump out of my pocket and silence it and/or immediately address the issue, depending on the level of urgency. My point is, it’s both lifesaving and as unobtrusive as possible. My ex-boss Dan knew about my insulin pump, but would often publicly chastise me for “checking my phone” with a weird smirk. Maybe he thought being diabetic was embarrassing? Not sure. His remarks often drew more attention than me just trying to fix my pump, which is obviously not what I was going for. Urgh. We had an internal meeting once where Dan was extremely strict about no phones in the room, to show our grandboss how focused and productive we were, or something. Because it apparently understands comedic timing, my insulin pump starts beeping halfway through this meeting. Adhering to the no phones rule, I shrug and keep talking through my slides. Beep-beep-beep-beep. My coworkers are starting to get anxious, because they all know (thanks, Dan!) that I should probably be fixing that. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP. I finish my presentation. Any questions? Two different coworkers ask me to sit down or if they can get me anything to drink. Someone asks if I need an ambulance. I’m totally fine – I know my urgent beeps from the non-urgent ones! – but I’m enjoying watching Dan squirm when his boss freaks out that he has coached me to ignore medical emergencies in favor of arbitrarily phone-free meetings. 4. The “accommodation” My last boss maybe broke the law by telling me I couldn’t work remotely for a few days while recovering from a complication of my disability. It’s an invisible disability and she was a jerk. She told HR that due to the nature of my job I couldn’t be out for consecutive days, which was patently untrue. When they denied my request and instead offered me one additional WFH day per month, I explained that this would be like telling someone who had a mobility issue that sure, they could work remotely for the next month — but only for half of each day. It needed to be consecutive days home for recovery, but I was still able to work. They said to just use up all my sick leave. When I accepted another job offer, I didn’t immediately put in my notice. I had that sick leave available and, as luck (?) would have it, the fussy nerve in my foot was ever so slightly acting up. So, what did I do? Explained to them that I was experiencing a mobility issue and wouldn’t be able to come into the office until it was better. And darn, I guess I won’t be able to work from home even though it’s crunch time due to their policy. I enjoyed a week off, came back on a Tuesday, put in my notice, and left that Friday. 5. The travel reimbursements This was many years ago. When traveling for work, I discovered that I couldn’t get reimbursed for customary tips on transportation (taxis, group airport shuttles). When I complained, it was just “too bad.” Only a few dollars here and there, but I was peeved. Why should I be out money while on work travel? I read the travel policies closely after this and realized I could get reimbursed for car rental and parking. Flying in for a client meeting less than two miles from the airport? Car rental. Spending a week downtown in an expensive city for which I didn’t particularly need a car? Car rental plus over $50/day in parking fees so the car could just sit there until I needed to drive back to the airport. Did this for all work travel for the remainder of my time there. 6. The write-up When I worked in a now-bankrupt bridal store as a supervisor, the assistant manager and district manager pulled me into a meeting about receipts that had gone missing from a Sunday in March I worked. They alleged that the whole day’s worth of receipts had gone missing, they checked the schedule and knew I worked / closed that day, and were writing me up. I was appalled, and asked for the date. When they gave it, I said, “Oh, I know what happened!” They didn’t want to hear it. I tried several times, until the DM told me they didn’t want my excuses, but if I had any kind of rebuttal I could fill out a paper to submit with the write-up. I just said OK and filled it out. They made me fax it to corporate myself from the front desk, admonishing me the entire time for my carelessness. Before I pressed send, I asked ONE LAST TIME if they wanted to hear my side. No. OK, off it goes! About an hour later I was talking to another associate at the counter, the assistant manager standing right next to us. My friend asked what the meeting was about, and I told her. She asked what date that was, I told her that too. She frowned, checked the calendar, then said, “But that was Easter! The store wasn’t even opened!” “I know,” I said, “but ASM and DM didn’t want to hear it. I put it on my rebuttal sheet, though.” Big smile at ASM as I said it, who looked horrified. Less than a week later, I was issued an apology from both of them. In writing. 7. The hours I had an employee get sick and need to go to the ER. I took her, stayed with her, waited until she got checked in, swung by drive through for lunch, and came back to the office. My manager blasted me for taking so much time off of work (about two hours). So I kept to my 9-5 schedule and cut the extra 20-30 hours a week I had been working. But I sure was in the office 40 hours a week just like he asked. And then I left and he got fired for not being able to do his job. His career has sunk over the years, with him taking lower and lower positions at each company. 8. The sandwich with “everything” I used to work at a small mom and pop sandwich shop. We had a lot of options for condiments and toppings. Every single day I’d take multiple phone orders along the lines of “I want a turkey sandwich with EVERYTHING on it.” When I tried to clarify, the customers would often get snippy and rude – even when I politely explained that we had four kinds of mustard, three kinds of mayo, three different hot peppers, two types of pickle, avocados, carrots, olives, and various other things that most people don’t want on a turkey sandwich. Inevitably it would turn out they meant something like turkey with regular mustard, mayo, lettuce, maybe some cheese or tomato. Not even close to “everything.” On my very last day, one of these rude customers called in yet again and demanded a turkey sandwich with EVERYTHING on it. So I said “Yes ma’am,” and made one. Alas, I clocked out before she picked up her turkey sandwich with EVERYTHING on it. 9. The Spanish speaker Year ago, I worked for a university that ran a busy healthcare clinic. I was the only Spanish-speaking person in our department. There happened to be a position open and my boss quickly hired the daughter of someone who worked at the university’s main campus. We had begged and begged beforehand that another Spanish-speaker be hired because we served a huge population of Spanish-speakers. If I was out sick or something, the clinic was screwed. So this gal gets hired and my boss says that she speaks Spanish! Great! It’s on her resume and everything. I introduced myself in Spanish and tried talking to her a couple of times. She responded with kind of a non-committal “si” or mumbled something and pretended to be busy. My spider-sense went off. I asked my boss and she assured me that the new person speaks Spanish. “Are you sure? Because she doesn’t…” “I’m sure!” So … I started forwarding about half my Spanish-speaker calls to her phone and started calling her to the front desk to help with interpreting. It only took about a week for her to angrily admit that she doesn’t actually speak the language. 10. The overshare At the Big Bookstore, our (nitpicky) district manager one day decided that the Information kiosk should never be left unattended. Not for one single second. On my first day back after a super-fun bout of food poisoning, I was assigned to the kiosk. I had to make a break for the restroom at one point, and returned to find the district manager, the day manager, and a line of about three people. Rather than helping the line, the district manager demanded to know — at the top of his lungs — why I was “abandoning my post and ignoring the needs of our valued customers.” Not quite at the top of my lungs but still very audibly, I said, “In the future, I will remember it’s preferable to vomit in the kiosk rather than leave it unattended. Can I help the next customer?” Surprisingly, none of those customers needed my help after all, and I got to go home early that day after the red-faced district manager left. 11. The flights I used to work for a major multi-national company in a division which did engineering work for ships. Headquarters came out with a rule that we always had to book the cheapest possible flights if we had to travel for a job. Most of us booked sensible flights, ticked the “out of policy – business needs” box and carried on as normal. One of the service technicals was booking flights for a job and found the cheapest option offered on the travel booking system was some crazy combination of five flights, via places like Istanbul and Amsterdam. He promptly booked the flights, spent three days in transit, and by the time he got to the dockyard the ship had sailed. He was very smug about it. 12. The physical My job involves some pretty physical field work, so we have to go through annual physicals for insurance purposes. Kind of a hassle, but whatever. Except for a few years ago, when a new staff doctor took over administrating the physicals and approvals, and anyone with any kind of psychiatric prescription got phone calls asking extremely detailed, frankly invasive questions about their medication, medication history, symptoms, how well each medication treated your symptoms, your side effects, the list went on – and if you’ve ever been prescribed anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, you know that you usually have to try out quite a few to find the right fit. It became quite apparent that this person did not want to approve anyone on any of these medications for field work, which was about 70% of our job description. I got my call on a Friday afternoon, about 10 minutes before the end of a shift that started at 3:45 am. I was beyond over it. I was over EVERYTHING. I was so far over it I had broken through the atmosphere into a peaceful void of zen and mild heat exhaustion. The new doctor started out asking questions about my experience with Zoloft, which I had taken for six weeks over 20 years ago. I asked why that was relevant. She said it was important information to assess my fitness for field work, tell me about the side effects you experienced with Zoloft. I said, “Oh, well if it’s important information–” And then I became an unskippable cutscene. I experienced a lot of side effects with Zoloft. They were … gastrointestinal in nature, and I spent 40 minutes describing them in excruciating detail. I invoked all five senses and every colorful metaphor my sleep-deprived brain could come up with. Every time she tried to break in, I just said, “No, no, I want you to have all the information you need! It’s important!” When I finally ran out of steam, she decided we didn’t need to discuss the rest of my medication history. I went home, slept for something like 11 hours, sent an email to HR asking for clarification on why the staff doctor was asking about my full medication history, which wasn’t in my employment physical paperwork, since I hadn’t signed any releases for the rest of my medical records, and went back to bed. On Monday, I was informed I was cleared for field work. It was a different doctor administering physicals the next year. 13. The $20 My company uses a travel agency’s booking platform that invoices departments directly for costs. However, it doesn’t allow conference-rate bookings, which require going directly to the hotel’s website with a special code. So, employees can book outside the platform—but only if they’re willing to float the cost. On my first work trip, I booked a conference-rate hotel using my own card to save the company hundreds. My flight home wasn’t until evening, so I paid a $20 late check-out fee to work from my room instead of squatting in the loud hotel coffee shop. A month after submitting a reimbursement request for the travel charges, my entire request was denied because late check-out was “not a required business need.” Cue frustration: I’m now floating over a grand on my card for hotel charges because of a $20 fee. Determined, I enlisted ChatGPT to draft a multi-page thesis proving that $20 was, in fact, a legitimate business expense—complete with productivity analyses, co-working space cost comparisons, and detailed documentation of the work I was able to complete from the hotel room. Must have been compelling; Finance approved the reimbursement. But I didn’t feel great about eating the credit card interest incurred while waiting for reimbursement, which Finance didn’t want to cover. Out came ChatGPT to draft another exhaustive (exhausting?) argument, including opportunity cost analyses. 2 for 2, I got the interest charges reimbursed too. Now? I book everything through the travel agency’s platform, no matter how absurdly overpriced it is. All because they refused my entire reimbursement request over the $20 late check-out fee. 14. The twist In my first role ever managing people, I was a student “account executive” at the on-campus design shop that made posters for the on-campus clubs and activities. One of the designers I managed worked a completely different schedule than I did, due to class hours. He was consistently late on his projects and deliverables. So I asked him to start giving me a rundown of the projects he worked on during his shifts. I explained it just as a “I worked on projects X, Y, and Z. I’m almost done with X and Y, Z will be a little longer because of Reason. I will connect with client for project K on Tuesday.” Really brief and standard status updates. He responded with malicious compliance and gave me essentially a minute by minute reporting of what he did during his shift. Obviously trying to overwhelm me with detail so I’d stop asking. I responded – yes perfect. More of that. And just made him give me that level of detail for a week. I did finally catch him and tell him to knock it off and give me the correct level of detail. But I let him make himself miserable with his own “malicious compliance” for a week first. You may also like:my boss wanted to go over my personal budgetthe boss who fired me got hired at my new job -- and she's joking about how bad my work waswill my taste in office supplies seem weird or unprofessional? { 161 comments }
my company is a great place to work … for everyone but me by Alison Green on January 21, 2025 A reader writes: The small company where I work offers good pay, generous PTO and other benefits, a fun and friendly environment, and good work-life balance. It also has an excellent product with a lot of growth potential. Generally, it’s considered by employees to be a great place to work. The problem for me is that apart from the good pay and friendly coworkers, I mostly miss out on the perks that others enjoy. To be clear, there is a spectrum within the company: some of my coworkers are more overworked and stressed than others. But I’m an outlier: I’ve been assigned responsibility for a lot of the most mission-critical and inflexible work that requires my attention every day without fail, so I cannot take any of my PTO. On top of that, I’m relied on for a lot of precise design and problem-solving that requires intersections of expertise no one else has, and it’s difficult to find interruption-free time for that kind of deep work, so that work gets pushed into my weekends. Meanwhile, everyone else gets to take vacations and have some time to chat and take breaks during the workday, while I have to maintain 10 to 12 hours of being on-task, and even that is not enough to keep up. A pattern has emerged over the years: when I call attention to my workload and how it’s creating key-person risk for the company as well as unsustainable conditions for myself, I get promises of relief and sometimes actual improvements, but my circumstances backslide before long. I might get approval to hire additional staff and things start functioning better, but then something else goes awry: upper management overpromises to a client, a key employee quits, a supplier falters and we have to plug that gap in-house, etc. Because I have a broad skill set and am seen as reliable, I’m usually the person assigned as the rescuer of whatever situation comes up, so it’s only a matter of time. Thus far, I’ve stuck around for the job security, pay, and potential for early retirement if our stock options pan out. But I’m also being required to bear a much heavier cost than my coworkers for the same upside, and I’m always teetering on the edge of burnout. Furthermore, the company is so heavily depending on me for crucial functions, much of that growth potential could evaporate if I quit or even just reduced my productivity to an average level. Upper management seems to have convinced themselves (despite what I’ve said) that I am so emotionally invested in their mission that I will endlessly sacrifice the rest of my life to keep their gears turning. That’s the story they tell other people, while also telling me that I should take my PTO, while also telling me, “We know you’re super busy but we really need X and Y and Z done ASAP!” Is there a plausible strategy for breaking this cycle of the company occasionally listening and improving, but then quickly forgetting and singling me out as the fixer for the next crisis? Or does this sound like a lost cause? You can read my answer to this letter at New York Magazine today. Head over there to read it. You may also like:my coworkers think I'm flirting with themis "we have a great culture" an attempt to disguise low pay and weak benefits?my coworkers' constant talk about stress is stressing me out { 222 comments }
my coworker accused of me of deliberately snoring to keep him awake on a work trip by Alison Green on January 21, 2025 A reader writes: I went on a work trip and thought it went well. On the last day, I woke up to hear my senior teammate bashing me. We shared a wall, and it was paper-thin. I snore, and it’s something I’m embarrassed by, but there’s nothing I can do to control it. My teammate said he hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep for the whole trip and accused me of doing it on purpose so I could transfer off the team. I don’t know where that came from — I’ve never indicated I wanted to leave. He also called me weird and nasty. I was shocked. Up until that point, he had been pleasant, engaging, and polite. My concern isn’t with him; it’s with his influence on the team and senior leaders. I love my job. It’s complex, fast-paced, and I’m always learning something new. It feels like my sweet spot. But he has a lot of influence and more time in the company than I do, and I’m worried I’ll be blackballed or not invited on any more work trips. This incident feels like the culmination of some insecurities I’ve been feeling. My personality doesn’t seem to be landing with the group. I’ve tried to make headway socially, but it feels like I’m hitting a wall. I also worry that certain things are being viewed in a bad light. For instance, I have a sensitive stomach that’s affected by stress and changes in schedule, so I didn’t hang out with the team every night — only two out of the four. This is new territory for me because, at my other jobs, it wasn’t expected. Everyone just did their own thing. But given my teammate’s strong reaction, I’m starting to think this may have added fuel to the fire. I’m bummed. I love the job and the team, but I don’t see a way forward. I strongly believe I’ll be forced out or iced out. Do you have any advice on how to interact with my teammate? We work together on a lot of programs, so I can’t avoid him. Usually, I don’t sit at tables where I’m the next topic when I get up, but in this case, it feels unavoidable. FYI, I am not having any performance issues, which may be the only thing that saves me. Well, wait — you’re giving way too much power to someone who sounds like an awful person. The idea that a colleague would intentionally snore loudly as some sort of plot to be able to transfer off the team is Incredibly Weird. It’s really unlikely that other people would hear what he said and think, “Wow, Snorer is a real jerk to do that.” They’re far more likely to think, “WTF? No one snores as a strategy to bother someone in a neighboring room; what a bizarre thing to say.” Truly, any sane person who heard your coworker accuse you of that is thinking there’s something wrong with him, not with you. Or, in the most generous reading, that he was just cranky after not sleeping well and was lashing out unreasonably. No one is going to think you were strategically snoring as an act of anti-social aggression. I suspect you’re giving this so much weight because of the rest of the situation — that you feel you’re having trouble meshing with the group. But even there, it’s worth questioning what you’re basing that on. Did anyone actually respond poorly to you for only hanging out two nights out of the four (which was a perfectly reasonable thing to do, by the way)? Or are you feeling anxious about the situation in general and assuming that may have been one more way you aren’t fitting in with them? It’s definitely possible that you’re not clicking well with the group. That’s really common! But it doesn’t usually mean the person who’s not fitting in gets pushed off the team. It just means things aren’t as socially comfortable — which isn’t ideal, but is a world away from being iced out or losing your job. It’s possible there’s more going on that didn’t make it into your letter — concrete signs that things aren’t going well in a way that could jeopardize your job. But it’s also possible that this is all an anxiety reaction — that your brain is catastrophizing in a way that doesn’t reflect anything that’s likely to happen. Would you feel comfortable talking to your boss about how things are going overall? That will give you more data to put all of this in context — and you might hear that as far as your boss is concerned, everything is fine. As part of that conversation, you could also say that you’re not sure you’re meshing well with the group and ask if she has advice on that — but whether that’s useful to do will depend on your relationship with her and your sense of how skilled she is on picking up on things like that. I’d also seriously consider talking to the coworker whose unkind remark you overheard. There’s no reason you can’t say to him, “I overheard you say my snoring kept you up, and I’m horrified — I had no idea that would be an issue, and I feel awful that you didn’t sleep well. For future work trips I’ll plan to ask for a room further away from the rest of the group so that doesn’t happen again.” Maybe that will jog him into realizing he was being a jerk, but if nothing else it’ll at least get you on the record as Not Snoring At Him … and also as someone who handles issues professionally and maturely, unlike what he’s chosen to do. You may also like:I shared a room with a coworker on a work trip, and their respirator kept me awake all weekis it normal to assign hotel roommates on a work trip?I'm supposed to share a bed with a coworker on a business trip { 187 comments }
job candidate’s name is a slur, exec is marketing a job as a “roommate opportunity,” and more by Alison Green on January 21, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Job candidate’s name is a slur I recently reviewed a job application from a candidate whose given name is a slur. It’s not unheard of for people to be named this and there are still plenty of folks who don’t realize it is a slur. It’s not obscure knowledge by any means, but it’s definitely not as commonly understood to be harmful as more well-known slurs. The thing is, I know that it’s a slur and I don’t think I can address someone by a word that I know is harmful even though it’s their name and what they prefer to be called. The position is still open so I may get so many better qualified candidates that it doesn’t matter, but if I do end up needing to interview them … what am I supposed to do? Ours is a very informal work environment and everyone around me knows that I make a point of addressing everyone without titles or honorifics, including elected officials we work with. I don’t know their gender but if I find it out and end up using Mr. or Ms. Last Name, that would really stand out. Most people don’t choose their own names and I know what a pain it is to have your name legally changed, having done that myself, so I don’t want to exclude a good candidate because of this thing they probably didn’t choose. And yet, I don’t think I have it in me to say “Hey Racial Slur, can you finish up that TPS report for Bobby by end of day?” What is the right thing to do here? People should be called by their names, even if you’re uncomfortable with it. There are names in other languages that sound identical to obscene words in English, and those people should be called by their names too; this is no different. The important distinction is that in this usage, it’s their name, not a slur. In fairness, I do think there are some limits to this. If someone legally changed their name to King Of Turd Mountain and wanted to be called that, I think it would be reasonable to decline to play along (particularly when it comes to listing that name on your company website and so forth) … but someone going out of their way to try to be provocative/make people uncomfortable is a very different situation than someone just going by their given name. 2. Exec is marketing a job as a “roommate opportunity” I work for a nonprofit that serves people with disabilities. This week, a senior vice president sent an all-staff email advertising a roommate opportunity. He said his daughter, who lives with disabilities, is looking for a roommate and it’s a great deal — free rent! You get a stipend! You just have to split utilities! Oh, and be available every night on call if she needs help using the bathroom or with any other emergencies. A home health aide works with her during the day. Once again, he’s sharing this as a “roommate opportunity.” It’s … an overnight home health aide opportunity. And for the stipend, it is well below minimum wage (plus, a home health aide wouldn’t be expected to pay utilities!). It sounds like there’s no contract so there’s also no agreement upon things like time off, coverage, etc. You’d be on call every single night. In addition to serving people with disabilities, our organization also tries to hire people with disabilities. In addition, given the nature of the field, many of the people in the entry-level tier, doing things like helping people use the toilet, tend to be low socioeconomic status themselves and are often from immigrant communities that are more vulnerable to exploitation and/or less savvy about American workplace expectations. This “generous offer” feels really exploitative and inappropriate. It seems unethical in general for an SVP to try to recruit an under-the-table home aide for his daughter from his own staff. The nature of our work makes it even weirder; I would expect someone in our field to understand why this is unethical. What are your thoughts? Is this completely insane? You are correct: it’s exploitative, and it would be inappropriate anywhere but is particularly misplaced at your organization. I’m sure he’s thinking “here’s an audience that’s particularly sensitized to the needs of the disabled and who might appreciate this ‘great deal’” … but, as you point out, it’s very much not a great deal to work every night for less than minimum wage, and he’s misusing his position by marketing it to people he has power over. Someone high-up in your organization should have flagged it. (Well, really, he himself should have realized before sending it that it wasn’t okay, but since that didn’t happen, someone else should have flagged it.) 3. Can I book an earlier flight to a conference than everyone else? In a few weeks, I am being sent on a big work trip to a four-day convention, my first one, although I have been with the company for many years in various roles. For a variety of reasons, such as plantar fasciitis, difficulty flying, autism/ADHD, and already being in a state of burnout, this is going to be an extremely hard trip for me. I’ve been told to expect 12+ hours on my feet and an additional 3-4 hours of dinner meetings each night. I cannot get out of it. I have a good reputation and am in a mid-level role with a lot of responsibility, but not compared to the other attendees from my company who are all 5+ levels above me on the org chart. Their assistants have booked them all on a flight that leaves at 6 pm after work the night before the conference starts, meaning we would not even be getting to our hotel rooms until 1 am the night before the convention. How bad would the optics be if I booked a flight earlier in the afternoon so I could be in bed at a reasonable hour? I am in charge of my own flight arrangements. I will also need some additional accommodation on the airplane that will be embarrassing to ask for openly in front of everybody. Knowing the company culture, I actually think flying out a day early to ostensibly see a friend or relative before the convention would go over way better than implying I can’t run on four hours of sleep like they all can, but I don’t want to lie. You know your company culture better than I do, but for the record: in most companies, it would be absolutely fine to say, “I don’t want to be exhausted for the first day of the conference, so I booked an earlier flight.” And that’s if you even needed to say anything at all; in a lot of cases you could just quietly book a reasonable flight and then, if asked if you were driving to the airport with the others, could just matter-of-factly say, “Oh, my flight leaves a couple of hours earlier.” But if you don’t think that will go over well, it’s perfectly fine to use a cover story. “I’m flying out a little earlier to meet a family member who lives there” may be a lie but it’s a lie that doesn’t harm anyone, doesn’t affect anyone but you, and is reasonable if it’s in service of avoiding company dysfunction (and preserving your privacy around on-flight accommodations). 4. What does a career coach do? I am unhappy in my current job and have been trying unsuccessfully to find something new for years now. I have multiple arts degrees and a job history that should translate into a good fill for most generic office jobs. However, I am totally overwhelmed about how to find these sorts of jobs and what they might be called in various industries so that I can apply. So I found a career coach, hoping that she could take a look at my skill set and help me track down jobs I would qualify for or translate my skill set for a particular industry. I honestly don’t care where I work or what I do — I just want to be paid fairly and not work with total jerks. However, that wasn’t what she seemed capable of doing. She was more like a high school guidance counsellor, making me take a number of personality and aptitude tests and asking a lot of questions about my “dream job.” One, I do not dream of labor, and two, I had my “dream job” and was chased out due to rampant sexual harassment and other bad behavior. I stayed way too long and developed anxiety issues because it was my “dream.” “Dream jobs” are a trap. I could not get her to move on to actually applying for jobs because she was so hung up on me finding passion for a career, and that’s just never going to happen. I’ve reached out to a few other “career coaches” and they all seemed to be in the same zone: helping me find my passion. I have passion, it’s just not for work. Did I just find a bunch of really bad coaches? Or is this what coaches do, and what I really need is another “assistance in finding work” person that’s called something else? This is indeed what a lot of career coaches, maybe even the majority, do. They’re often the live version of that old What Color is Your Parachute? book. You could try screening them by being very, very explicit before hiring someone that what you need is help figuring out what you’d be qualified for, not what you would be motivated by, but even then, unless you find someone unusually good, I’d worry that they’ll fall back on the “passion” framework. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find, but it does mean you’re going to have to do a lot of pre-screening before engaging someone. Part of the problem is that there aren’t any particular qualifications required to be a career coach, so just because someone is calling themselves that doesn’t mean they’ll have any expertise at understanding the range of jobs out there and what would make someone a good match for an employer hiring for that job (versus the “let’s explore your inner world” bent that you’ve been encountering). You’d probably have an easier time if you can identify a handful of industries you’re interested in and then seek out recruiters who work in those fields; they’re better equipped to help you position yourself as a candidate than many coaches are. (To be clear, recruiters work for employers, not candidates — but if you have skills they’re looking for, good ones can help match you to those jobs.) But that’s a little different than what you’re looking for. 5. Should I pay $600 for a certification I need for a job I’d like? I’m trying to decide if I should study for and spend the money to take a board certification test. I’ve been working at my company for five years and have been a working, licensed professional for 14. I have an interest in moving more into a corporate role, and have a big interest into moving into a computer-based role. However those jobs are very rare to open up and are highly competitive when they do. There is a different, more regulatory role in the health system that has opened up recently. It requires a specific, niche board certification. I emailed the hiring manager asking if they would consider hiring someone with a “certification within 6 months of hire” clause and was told no. The cost of signing up for the test is $600. I think I could do well in the role and would enjoy it, and it also works closely with the department I want to move into. But it’s hard to fathom spending that much money for the sake of a job I may not even get an interview for. Would the certification also make you a stronger candidate for other jobs that you’d want to apply for — and would you be a compelling candidate for those jobs once you had the certification? If so, it could be a worthwhile investment. But if not, I don’t recommend spending $600 just for a chance to be considered for a single job. 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my coworker keeps demanding I say “please” by Alison Green on January 20, 2025 I’m off for the holiday, so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2018. A reader writes: I have a problem with a coworker and have been hesitant to send this to you as it seems petty but it has been bugging me for awhile. It started as a pet peeve but has moved into something bigger the more she does it. This coworker, I’ll call her Eleanor, demands you say “please” whenever someone asks her to do anything work related. Some examples would be as follows: “Eleanor, can you email me those forecasts for next quarter so I can get this project to our boss?” “Only if you say please.” “Eleanor, can I call you about this crisis so we can work out a plan of action?” “Only if you say please.” Generally I do say please, but on those occasions I forget I don’t want to be talked to like a three-year-old. This feels like a silly power play and it is a game I don’t want to play. She even does this to her boss! Another concern is that she is doing this to our customers and I feel like this does damage to our reputation and makes us seem difficult to work with. How do I respond when Eleanor says this to me without being rude (and without playing her game)? Is it that big of a deal that she is doing this to our customers as well? Should I just let that go? That’s incredibly obnoxious. “Only if you say please” is a statement that’s really only okay for a parent to say to a child, in the process of teaching said child manners. It’s not okay to chastise other adults with it, and it’s definitely not okay to say it repeatedly in a work context. (Once or twice as a joke is a different thing.) If Eleanor feels she’s not spoken to with sufficient courtesy, that’s something she can address with people — but this isn’t the way to do it. And I doubt that’s what this is about anyway. This sounds more like she seized on this as a cutesy response or is, as you suggest, a power play. Or maybe it’s become a tic and she barely realizes how often she does it. But regardless, it’s inappropriate and annoying. Your options: 1. Just make a point of saying “please” whenever you ask her for anything so that you short-circuit the annoyance. This feels like giving in, but it might be the most direct route to not having to deal with it … although it doesn’t solve the problem of her doing it to customers. 2. Tell her to cut it out: “Eleanor, we’re all adults here, and constantly responding that way is slowing things down and frankly coming across differently than you probably intend for it to. Could you stop?” (But if she responds to that with “only if you say please,” you have my blessing to make a voodoo doll of her and ritually destroy it.) 3. Tell her to cut it out, option 2: “If you feel I’m not treating you with sufficient respect, I’d certainly want to know about it, but I’d like respect back from you as well — so I’m asking you not to chastise me this way every time I need something from you.” 4. Ask your boss to tell her to cut it out: “Could you ask Eleanor to cut out the ‘only if you say please’ stuff? It was irritating enough when it was her constant refrain with just us, but she’s now saying it to customers, and I’ve got to think it’s putting them off.” (This is the kind of thing that some bosses would gladly handle and others would want you to handle yourself, so you’ve got to know your boss for this one.) Also, I guarantee you that Eleanor is annoying the crap out of everyone in her family. You may also like:coworkers who don’t say “please” or “thank you," a racy tattoo, and moremy boss won't speak to us and says "please" is disrespectfulnew coworker is a rude know-it-all { 176 comments }
my employer fined me $90 for being late by Alison Green on January 20, 2025 I’m off for the holiday, so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2018. A reader writes: My company has a ridiculous late fine policy: you will be fined $2 for every minute, starting from 9:01 a.m. So if you come in at 9:05 a.m., that’s $10 you gotta pay up in cash. (This is not somewhere where down-to-the-minute coverage would be essential. It’s just typical deskbound, back-end work. I can see why the receptionist who gets the calls will need to be there smack on the dot, but the rest of us — not really.) I’ve been here for over a year, and have been fined maybe three times. They were for 9:01 a.m., 9:02 a.m. and 9:08 a.m. I was intensely annoyed and embarrassed, but okay, I can still absorb the $2-$16 financial pinch. I hate this policy because it nickel and dimes employees down to the first minute, and at a very high rate. I hate this policy because coming in at 9:01 a.m. does not makes you any less productive than the dude who came in at 9:00 a.m., whose bloody computer is still starting up. A few days ago, I overslept for the first time. I somehow slept through my usual TWO alarms and woke up with a start at 8:30 a.m. — an hour late. I immediately texted my manager that I had overslept and asked if it was possible to get an emergency, UNPAID, half-day leave. I had calculated that coming in an hour late would result in a $120 fine, which is painfully difficult for me to absorb. I’m a junior employee. My manager said no. She wanted me to come in anyway because “it’s the right thing to do.” I cried some tears of frustration, but told her okay and rushed like hell down, but not before racking up 45 minutes worth of late fine — $90. Alison, I understand that she wants me to be punished accordingly. I accept that sleeping through two alarms was all on me. At the same time — and I don’t know if this matters — I’m a relatively high performer at work. I truly enjoy what I do and do a decent job at it. I just received a glowing annual appraisal and got publicly commended by the director, in spite of my young age (this is my first job out of college) and junior position. Furthermore, I work overtime every day because my workload is high, even though we don’t get any overtime pay. And I’m not chronically late — this was my first time oversleeping. And yet, my manager rejected my request for an UNPAID, half-day leave. Technically, she is right and I deserved it. But I don’t think being rigidly strict here was warranted. Am I just entitled for feeling this way? If you divide my monthly salary by 30 days, $90 is what I earn in one day. I will have to cough up an entire day’s salary (worth three weeks of lunch expenses!) for this, and my manager was cool with that? I’m fuming, yet I don’t know if I have the right to be. Part of me wants to talk about this with my manager to see if it could’ve been handled differently — if I could’ve been given the unpaid, half-day leave. Is this worth revisiting with her about, and if so, how should I approach it? This is utter bullshit. I am IRATE over this. If you’re not in a job where coverage matters (like one where you need to answer phones or meet with clients starting at a precise time), then it really, really doesn’t matter if you’re two minutes late. I would think it was ridiculous for a manager even just to have a stern talk with someone for being two minutes late in a job where it doesn’t have any practical impact — but fining you? No. You are a professional adult holding down a professional job. The entire concept of fining you is offensive and ridiculous. If your manager has a problem with your time of arrival, she can do what a decent manager would do and talk to you about it. If it continues after that, she can decide what the consequences are. But they need to be normal work consequences (up to and including firing you if it’s that big of a deal, although I’m skeptical that it should be) — it can’t be digging through your wallet and taking whatever cash she finds there, or insisting you cut off two inches of your hair, or that you change your name to Xavier Sebastian Pumpernickel. And it can’t be making you turn over your own money for the privilege of working there. Or at least it shouldn’t be. Legally, though, in a lot of cases it would be allowed. I talked with employment lawyer Donna Ballman, author of the excellent book Stand Up For Yourself Without Getting Fired, who agreed that federal law does allow this, as long the fine doesn’t take your pay for that period below minimum wage. But she noted that you might live in a state that prohibits it, and it’s worth checking into that. Also, if you’re non-exempt, they can dock your pay for the actual time you were late … although if you’re exempt, that docking could negate your exempt status, make you effectively non-exempt, and mean that you’d be entitled to overtime pay when you work over 40 hours in a week. (There’s an explanation about exempt and non-exempt here, but the gist is that “exempt” is a government classification meaning that the nature of the work you do makes you exempt from receiving overtime pay. If you’re exempt, they can’t dock your pay when you work fewer hours. If they do that anyway, they can end up owing you overtime pay, including retroactively.) Donna also pointed out: “The other thing I’d say you’d have to look at is the reason the employee was late. If it was to care for a sick child, spouse or parent, then punishing them might violate FMLA. If it related to a disability, then they might be violating the Americans With Disabilities Act. If it’s applied unevenly, then other discrimination laws could kick in. I’d say an employer doing this is, number one, a terrible employer, and, number two, taking a huge risk that they are violating some law.” As for what you can do here … First, it’s worth looking into the potential legal issues Donna raises. If there’s a legal violation here, your employers deserves to have someone pursue it. Second, look into whether you’re correctly classified as exempt. You said you don’t get overtime pay even when you work overtime, which means they’re treating you as exempt. I would bet good money that they’ve misclassified you (which many employers do), especially considering that this is your first job out of school and first jobs often don’t meet the bar to be exempt. And if that’s the case, they owe you a ton of overtime back pay. Even if you ultimately choose not to pursue that, it would be really handy leverage to have in any discussions about the fining. Third, recalibrate your expectations. Because this is your first job after college, you might be thinking this is more acceptable than it actually is. But it’s not normal to treated salaried professionals this way. It’s not something you should expect to find at future jobs. It’s not something you should be okay with now. And you have every right to be fuming about that $90 fine. You are not being entitled. You are being absolutely, entirely reasonable. So fourth, go back and talk to your manager. Say something like this: “I’m asking you to waive this $90 fine. $90 is what I earn in a day. I can’t afford to pay back an entire day’s salary. I work overtime every day, and it makes no sense for me to work long hours when I’m not given even a minute of leeway on the other end. I’m not chronically late, and I do excellent work. I don’t think I should be subject to a financial hardship for a one-time occurrence.” Fifth, consider pushing back on this entire abhorrent policy with a group of your coworkers. People have unionized over less. * I make a commission if you use that Amazon link. Read an update to this letter here. You may also like:my boss told me to write the same sentence 500 times as punishment for a mistakemy office says we can keep working from home if we take 5% pay cutsmy company is cutting my overworked team's pay as punishment for mistakes { 119 comments }
warning an intern about a bad manager, former colleague is running a scam, and more by Alison Green on January 20, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Should I have warned an intern about a bad manager? I am a middle manager in a large organization and I am second-guessing how I handled a situation with an employee whom I used to supervise. From 2020 to 2021, I had the pleasure of supervising an outstanding intern, Anna. Anna was the kind of employee that any employer would be lucky to have. During her internship, Anna expressed interest in staying on with us after her graduation. It can be difficult to secure full-time permanent employment with our organization, and the hiring process is lengthy and onerous for managers and candidates alike. However, there is a “shortcut” for qualified former interns to transition to a permanent position upon graduation. Anna was eventually offered such a position by one of my peers, and she asked my advice on whether she should accept the offer. My dilemma: The hiring manager was known to have terrible people management skills (not at the level of abuse or harassment, but that’s a pretty low bar). However, I chose not to share this with Anna. I didn’t want to “poison the well” or unduly influence her, and thought she was mature enough to make her own decision. I also thought that a well-paid permanent position with great benefits isn’t something that comes along every day for new grads, and the internal mobility opportunities would mean that even if this particular job wasn’t a good fit, Anna wouldn’t be stuck there for long. So, I took more of a coaching role in our conversation rather than an advice-giving one (though I did suggest she speak with current employees on the team). In the end, Anna accepted the manager’s offer. Anna’s team has ended up being just as, if not more, toxic as I had feared and Anna’s mental health has taken a beating. Anna eventually found other opportunities within the organization but I feel terrible that I didn’t warn her to run far away from the bad manager in the first place. What, if anything, could I have done differently? I’m a fan of letting people know when a lot of other people have found a manager tough to work with. You don’t need to come out and say “she’s a nightmare” if you don’t feel comfortable being that candid, but you can say, “I do want to warn you some people have found her to be a difficult boss. I don’t have firsthand experience, but I’d definitely suggest talking to people who have worked for her and asking about their experiences so that you’re not going in blind.” If you know specifics — or specific themes — ideally you’d find a way to share those. “Well-paid positions with great benefits don’t come along every day and she wouldn’t be stuck there for long” is a legitimate thing for Anna to decide, but it shouldn’t be something you decide on her behalf. 2. Former colleague is running a scam My partner, Chris, has recently gotten an advanced degree in a newer and very niche field which has documented ROI for businesses, but tends to get cut as non-essential when businesses are doing their yearly budgeting. Since it’s so niche, Chris has worked collaboratively with many people in the industry in our country (non-U.S.). Since it’s a growing industry, he’s also been tapped to teach, including for the university where he got his masters. The problem is that last year one of his colleagues, Hank, ran a master’s program at the local university and asked Chris to teach a course, throughout which Chris came to understand the program almost didn’t happen due to enrollment being too low to justify the cost. Hank also has a small consulting business for this field. About 50% of the students in the course (all the most recent enrollees) were brand new employees of Hank’s business. Turns out, Hank had employed these new consultants on the condition that they enroll in the year-long master’s program. Chris has been made aware from one of his former students that none of Hank’s employees have earned enough as consultants to recoup their tuition fees in the year since they graduated, and most of these employees have returned to their former industries. And still, Hank is asking Chris to teach another course for the same program as he has a fresh new crop of bright-eyed consultants to pay the high tuition fees. Chris has turned down the opportunity, citing low bandwidth, but I think he has a greater responsibility to communicate with his contacts higher up in this small university to make them aware of the ethical issue at hand. Chris is more concerned this will hurt him in the long run if Hank finds out he went above his head. How do you think he should handle this situation? Yes, Chris has a moral and ethical responsibility to tell his contacts there what’s going on. Hank is exploiting his employees to pressure them to enroll in the program that justifies his job; it’s an abuse of power, and it’s something that the university wouldn’t want to be associated with if they knew. You should encourage Chris to think through exactly how this could hurt him if Hank finds out about it. If his fears are warranted, he can ask his contacts to investigate without naming him as the person who provided the initial tip-off. 3. Can I befriend my future coworker’s daughter? I moved cities six months ago and am working on transferring to the site closer to home. In preparation for my new role, I’ve been meeting with people I will be working with, to start establishing my new working relationships. Recently I met with “Beth,” who I will be working with closely. Beth seems friendly and competent and we hit it off well. I’m excited to work with her! After our initial meeting, we did some small talk and she told me a bit about her daughter. It sounds like her daughter is around my age and we have some common interests. Also, her daughter’s job is close to where I live and she is considering moving to my suburb. Can I try to befriend the daughter somehow? Would it be weird or inappropriate to try? Do I need to wait until I’ve been at the new site for a while and have more of a relationship with Beth? Can I just ask for a number or is there a more roundabout way to approach it? You don’t have a lot to go on here, so I think it would be too much to come out with, “I’d like to have lunch with Jane. Can you connect us?” But you could certainly say, “If Jane is looking for people to talk with about llama grooming (or whatever the mutual interest is), feel free to give her my contact info. I’m still pretty new to the area and would love to meet people who are into llama combing techniques!” Then Beth can decide, based on her knowledge of her daughter (and potentially her feelings about meshing work and family worlds in that way), whether to connect you. 4. Network separately or stick together at conferences? I recently attended a conference with a majority of my colleagues on a topic marginally applicable to my position (and theirs). I was going to sit with a coworker, but someone I met on the field tour the day before asked me to sit with him and I moved tables. We had good discussions on his projects, and I met four folks I had not met previously. My question has to do with perception or best practice. The other 16 coworkers stayed in “our” group and sat together, but did mingle during the breaks and the after-hours event. I always think it is better to spread out and meet someone new and learn about how the subject impacts them, so I generally will sit with new people at conferences. My boss said someone asked if I was mad at my colleagues since I didn’t sit with them. Personally, I think my colleagues looked less approachable since they were together. Not everyone is comfortable sitting with strangers (and I am exhausted at the end of my day), so I understand. Professionally, which should happen? What should I do at the next conference (in three months)? It’s really up to each individual attendee, but a big part of the benefit of conferences is networking so your approach is generally the more useful one. It’s a little odd that your colleagues interpreted that as you being “mad at them,” but if traditionally they’ve all stuck together at conferences, they may see it more as team bonding time than networking time. Maybe before the next one you can mention to them that you see conferences as an opportunity to meet new people in your field, which has been useful in X and Y ways, and so you try to break off from the group and talk to other attendees. 5. Who owns a work journal? I know that work products created in the course of most regular employment belong to the organization — but what about materials that have to do with work but are entirely individual? I’m thinking of notes or reflections on one’s own performance, written in a paper notebook bought with personal funds but on the subject of work, e.g. self-determined goals, how to improve job performance or satisfaction, and so on. Stuff that feels really personal (like, wouldn’t pass it on to my hypothetical successor, wouldn’t want it to be read by colleagues or boss without redaction) but is created during the work day, related to work experiences but not work products. Basically, I feel that my work output and experience could both be improved through more reflection and intentional goal- and priority-setting on a more granular level than I get from my boss, but I would be afraid of what I write getting into the wrong hands (though it’s unlikely, as I’d keep my notebook in my bag and we don’t have a snoopy office). But bringing a personal journal to work sounds like a terrible idea! And I would want to keep a record, not write on TP and burn it immediately after. I feel on a basic moral/logical level that everyone is entitled to an inner world and room for errors, honest unpolished reflection, and at least a tiny bit of privacy, but I don’t think that’s totally true in reality. In practice, I don’t think it’s super likely that my notebook would be intercepted (one reason to stick to paper), but I’m still curious. Technically under the law, your employer could argue that it belonged to them — because products relating to your work created at work belong to your employer. But in practice, they’d be very unlikely try; it’s not the sort of thing most managers would have any interest in laying claim to. The worst scenario would be more likely to be someone misunderstanding what was in the notebook, thinking you had notes on clients or projects that someone else could benefit from, and insisting you turn it over when leaving. But you could easily avoid that by taking it home with you before you quit. Other than that, as long as you kept it in your bag, it’s very unlikely to be claimed by your company. 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weekend open thread – January 18-19, 2025 by Alison Green on January 17, 2025 This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. Here are the rules for the weekend posts. Book recommendation of the week: Rental House, by Weike Wang. After the daughter of Chinese immigrants and the son of a white, working class family marry, they grapple with their relationship with each other and both sets of parents over the course of a summer vacation. (Amazon, Bookshop) * I earn a commission if you use those links. You may also like:all of my 2023 and 2024 book recommendationsall of my book recommendations from 2015-2022the cats of AAM { 1,051 comments }
open thread – January 17, 2025 by Alison Green on January 17, 2025 It’s the Friday open thread! The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers. * If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer. You may also like:my employee wasn't respectful enough after the company messed up her paycheckmy interviewer sent me an email saying my scars are triggeringneed help finding a job? start here { 1,148 comments }