updates: my friend accused me of getting him fired, the jerk on the plane, and more by Alison Green on March 27, 2025 Here are four updates from past letter-writers. 1. My friend accused me of getting him fired, but I didn’t (#3 at the link) Thanks again for publishing my question. I was nervous about submitting it but your advice helped me realize that my fellow writer and friend knew the risks of what he was doing by going against our employer’s company policy. I also realized through the comments section that I didn’t fully explain what this policy meant! As with other media outlets, our employer publication strictly forbids us from accepting trips, dinners, or expensive gifts from businesses or individuals in exchange for writing about them. It is written in our contract as well. There are writers that overlook these requirements, such as my friend, and choose to accept these comps and write articles in return. Along with my friend, I know at least two other writers who were discovered and fired for doing the same thing. Like you said, I’m guessing that my friend was fired and reacted to me out of irrational thinking. Out of the blue, he DMed me saying that I was two-faced. It seemed to have come out of nowhere. I was shocked and I didn’t reply right away or ask what this accusation was about or didn’t think about doing so. I had no idea what happened to him until hearing about it later from the media grapevine. I never found out why he would assume I would do something like this. Around the time of this happening, I had a fallout with a mutual colleague that turned out to be a complete jerk. I don’t know if she planted that idea in his head or not. A few months later, he seemed to realize that I didn’t say anything and he tried to make amends. It turned out that his editor knew what was going on and was building a case for his firing by collecting his social media postings from his trips and work dinners as evidence. We seem better now but I’ve become more cautious around him and within my work circles about who I socialize with or what I share. I’m a freelancer in a certain field that is very tight and competitive, so I’m trying to retool myself either to return to a staff position or obtain another steadier means of income. 2. A fellow conference attendee was a jerk on the airplane TL;DR: Reporting the jerk to the company seems to be the right thing to do, but doing so, even if I have a way, may not generate a desirable outcome for me. I consulted some HR professionals in my country informally, anonymously about my situation. Unfortunately, my employer’s policy does not cover people from other companies. In addition, no other parties were seemingly affected so the situation was a “he-said-she-said” one. The most important point was that HR’s function was to protect the company and not me: HR from the jerk’s company would see me as a risk to their company’s reputation. The HR from the jerk’s company would ignore me even if my message reaches their inboxes. In the future, they may ignore my job applications to reduce the possibility of a complaint. The jerk needed to cause more trouble on the flight such as a criminal act before the company HR would take action. 3. Irrational jealousy over colleague’s promotion (#80 in this speed round) My teammate who got promoted got very little training and no support in her new-to-her manager role. She was constantly told that managing is hard and is a different skillset , but wasn’t given any help developing that skillset. She stepped back down to individual contributor after only a year. Soon afterwards she quit because she was told her time as a manager had reset her time-in-grade to zero, making her ineligible for a promotion to the next IC level any time soon. Seems like I dodged a bullet! 4. How honest can I be that I need more WFH days if I’m going to stay? (#5 at the link) No joy on the extra WFH day, which is kind of unsurprising. I didn’t lay out specifically that I would be looking for work elsewhere as it just felt too much like an ultimatum. If they had been open to the option, I think they would have inquired how much of a priority it was , but their opposition to remote work kind of supersedes all. Been doing the commute for a few weeks now, it’s on public transport and I’ve been taking the early train to allow me to leave early which gets me home in time for dinner and bedtime. It’s been kind of fine! And it’s been amazing spending time in our beautiful new town. Attempting to kick the job search into gear though. Apprehensive as I feel like I will need a transfer out of my industry (dysfunctional, bad salaries abound), which feels overwhelming. Will update properly when I get the new role, fingers crossed! You may also like:is it right to fire someone for being arrested for a (horrible) crime?my coworker wants the company to pay for a week-long sex romp with his fired girlfriendhow do I explain being fired for sharing confidential info with a friend? { 56 comments }
how to serve patients when you’re feeling fragile yourself by Alison Green on March 27, 2025 It’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. A reader writes: I’d appreciate your and other workers’ advice on how to cope providing service when you are feeling fragile yourself. I work in a somewhat frazzled, frantic healthcare environment seeing around 30 patients a day in an inner city, low income area. It’s … a lot — with very demanding patients. But I mostly enjoy it. It’s not amazingly well paid, but it pays the bills. My family is going through our own problems at the moment due to our teen’s mental health issues. There are some days before I even get to work where I’ve had to cope with an emotional tidal wave from my lovely but ground-down teen daughter who has school avoidance, anxiety, and an eating disorder. It’s pretty awful but we are holding on as a family. I’ve had days off and been erratic with sudden cancellations over the past year and work has been kind. I can’t afford an extended period off, so please don’t suggest that as it would break our family finances due to all the additional support we have to pay for our teen. There are some days where I feel like my skin is a cell thick. The usual patient problems about running late or having to coax a patient through a nerve-wracking procedure, etc. leaves me feeling wrung out. I’m normally smiley and reassuring but right now I want to switch to “low battery mode” and not give so much to them right now. I don’t really know how to do that. As for self care? I’m doing all the things I should (yoga, breathing, healthy diet, talking to friends), but work is a different issue. How to create a firewall around my emotions so I can cope with being shouted at by patients because we are running late or help them inch-by-inch through their anxieties when I feel as though my own anxiety is going to have me sobbing on the floor in the middle of the appointment? Is that possible? Readers, please weigh in via the comment section. You may also like:what does self-care look like at work?our boss gave a lecture about self-care to our very overworked teampatients at my sleep clinic want to sleep naked, upgrading business flights and hotel rooms, and more { 313 comments }
employee isn’t clearing decisions with me, I don’t want baby gifts, and more by Alison Green on March 27, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My employee isn’t clearing decisions with me and argued with me at a staff meeting I am the executive director of a nonprofit, without any formal management training. I raised $1.5 million last year and we now have some new staff people, including a male technical expert who makes more money than I do (but reports to me). Today he got excited about attending a trade expo that I had previously considered and didn’t assign anyone to go to, because the demographics are on the young side for our program, so it’s not a top priority. My employee got invited by a buddy of his in the industry, announced he was going, and invited two other coworkers to go with him, without ever running it by me first. He did this on a Teams chat. Which I interrupted by saying I wasn’t planning to send anyone to this event. And when he argued on the chat, I said I’d like to speak with him directly. I need to calm down and figure out what to say before I talk with him. My main thought is to ask to help me understand what his thinking is and why it seems so important for him to go, and then to ask what kind of return we might expect on that investment of his time. He just went last week to a conference that we had to pay $500 for, so he could network with employer partners. However, coming back, he said he didn’t really talk with anyone. Except one person, who is the same person who invited him to this next event. I could use some help thinking about how to hold him accountable, without being seen through the lens of sexism as a complete bitch. Well, first, get the worry about being seen as a bitch out of your thinking as much as possible. It is a real thing for women in positions of power, but you will be a lot more effective if you don’t let that fear constrain you. Care about your relationships with people, of course, because that’s part of being an effective leader, but you can’t let that prevent you from having direct conversations with people. (And frankly, some people are primed to see women exercising authority as bitches no matter what you do, so you might as well just carry on with your job and get things done. Let the people who have a problem with that self-identify.) As for this conversation: go into it open to the possibility that he just didn’t know how this works in your organization, since in previous jobs he may have had the authority to decide what events he was going to attend, could invite others, etc. Explain to him how it works in your org and for his job — that you want to talk through potential events before he signs up, and you should both be assessing them through a lens of the likely return on investment. Share your reasons for being skeptical about this one, ask for his perspective, and then go from there. You can also explicitly say that since he came back from the last one reporting he hadn’t spoken to anyone, you want to get better aligned about the goals for these events and what he’ll achieve there. I think right now you’re approaching this as a challenge to your authority, but you’ll have better results if you approach it — at least initially — as just needing to get better aligned. The process of doing that will make your authority inherent without you needing to spell it out (and if that turns out not to be the case, it’ll highlight that there’s a bigger problem you need to address). 2. Manager is asking to see all the candidates for open jobs, but it’s my job to screen them I work in HR as the recruiter for my small company. Recently, a director of a department has been asking to see the candidates before I process them. He has done this in two different times. I talked with my boss, and he never did it when my boss was in my current position. I don’t know what I should do. Recently he demanded to see all the candidates for another position. I let him see them all but I feel that I am encouraging the behavior to continue. I want him to feel that I can do my job but I also want to put up a boundary because I work in HR, meaning I am dealing with sensitive information he isn’t allowed to see. What are your thoughts? I’m on his side! Managers should be able to see all the candidates for any position on their team if they ask to; in fact, I’d encourage them to do that at least occasionally, because it’s a way to spot-check that they’re well aligned with whoever is doing the screening. It’s a way for you both to find out, for example, that you’re screening out people for lacking X when the hiring manager doesn’t actually care that much about X, especially when someone has Y, or all sorts of other things. You should want managers involved in this way, because it will help you refine your process; they will typically understand the nuance of what will make someone successful in the role in a way that someone outside their team won’t, so having their involvement is a good thing. There’s no sensitive information in applications that managers can’t be permitted to see. (I wonder if you mean answers to EEOC demographic questions, but those are required by law to be kept separate from applications anyway.) That said, the fact that he’s asking to do this when he didn’t ask it of your predecessor likely means something. It could simply be that you’re new to the position and so he wants to be more involved until he’s confident you know how to screen well for roles on his team (totally reasonable if so). Or he could be concerned about the candidates you’ve been sending and so he’s gathering more info (also reasonable, but also something he should be up-front with you about). Or it could be something else — but start by assuming it’s a reasonable request. You can always ask him if there’s anything about way you’re screening for his jobs that concerns him. 3. Employees want to give me baby gifts, but I don’t want them I’m currently pregnant with my second baby. My first was also born while I was working at this same company, but in the four years since he was born, I have moved up the ranks from an individual contributor to a director with 10 direct reports. Our company is also mostly remote — three of my team are hybrid in an office, but the rest of the team, including me, are remote. When I was pregnant with my first, my boss at the time organized a virtual baby shower, which was nice, and two of my very close colleagues and my boss sent me nice (and unexpected) gifts. This time around, I’ve had two of my direct reports specifically ask me for links to my baby registry, address, etc., as they want to give gifts. However, I do not want them to give gifts — especially after reading AMA for years, I know gifting up is a big no-no, especially since I know how much they all make and I don’t want them spending their hard earned money on me! The most I’d accept would be a card, but I know if I give anyone my address, they will start sending gifts, even if I make it clear I don’t want any. As a result, I feel like I can’t even share my address with my team. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I need to find the right words to say, “I appreciate the thought, but please don’t.” “It’s so kind of you to ask, but we are swimming in baby stuff from the first one, and just your well wishes are all I want!” If you didn’t already have the first baby to lean on, you could use a slightly different formulation: “It’s so kind of you to ask, but my family went a little crazy and we already have more baby stuff than we need” or so forth. Also, if your team has done virtual showers for other new babies, check in with whoever tends to organize those and make sure they know you don’t want one. 4. Can my salaried husband be switched to hourly pay? My husband, “Bob,” has worked for many years for a very small company that provides a professional service to clients where the client is billed based on the hours of work provided, and there can be very busy crunch periods depending on the needs of the clients (think consulting). Bob’s job involves some billable work and some internal work for the company that can’t be directly billed to clients. All the work he does is highly skilled and requires specialized knowledge. Up until recently, Bob has been paid a fixed salary. During crunch periods when there’s a deadline for a client, he can work very long hours, but during slow periods it can sometimes be a struggle to find enough work to do. The company has not been bringing in as much business lately, leading the owner (his boss) to feel some financial stress. As a result, he’s asked Bob to move to an hourly pay structure. He wants him to “aim for” 30 hours a week, but the hours would be totally dependent on the amount of client work available for him. His boss is willing to guarantee him a minimum of 20 hours a week (as in, if there is zero client work, he can do up to 20 hours a week of non-client work), but beyond that, his workload is totally dependent on how much client work is available. If they are in a crunch period, he would still be expected to work as much as needed (and would be paid time and a half for overtime). Bob does not love this set-up. He would actually be fine working a 30-hour a week schedule for three-fourths of his prior salary, but the system his boss has proposed puts him in a position where he never knows how much he will need to work in a given week, plus he is still expected to be responsive to clients whenever they reach out (typically multiple times a week) and be available for meetings as needed, so he can’t plan for his time off. Is this legal? And what is his best path for pushing back on this change? Yes, it’s legal. It sounds like he’s changing Bob to a non-exempt status, where he’s paid by the hour (with a minimum of 20 hours guaranteed) and will earn overtime for anything over 40 hours in a week. If the boss weren’t offering the overtime pay, it would be illegal but since he is, it’s all by the book. It sounds like the crux of the problem is that Bob is expected to maintain total availability each week, while potentially only being paid for 20 hours. If I were in Bob’s shoes, I’d look at how much overtime he’s likely to earn — if with the time and a half it’s enough that it works out close to what he was making previously, this might work out fine. But if the overtime won’t come close to making up for the pay cut, he can try pointing out that he’s being asked to hold complete availability from week to week without getting paid for it, and see if they can negotiate around that. If the company just isn’t bringing in the same revenue anymore, there might not be any room to negotiate and Bob may have to decide if he wants to stay under these new conditions or leave. But it’s reasonable to open a discussion about it. 5. How can I find out more about a job when the interview process is really short? I’m a recently (illegally) fired federal employee, and some state and local governments have been doing amazing and much appreciated work to try to recruit federal employees, including job fairs and expedited hiring processes. I recently had an interview with an agency for a job that I became connected to through a job fair that sounds like a potentially good fit, but the interview was very short and left almost no time for my questions. Apparently the next stage in the process is to extend an offer. I’ve never had such a short job application process and am wondering what the best move is to get more information to consider whether I would accept it if I were offered it. I’m used to having multiple interviews and opportunities to talk with staff/colleagues during the process. I was going to ask the HR person if I could set up additional time to chat with the hiring manager, but do I do so after I get the offer when I have more leverage? I’ve also separately been trying to find some potential colleagues through my networks to get a sense of the job but so far have not been successful. I appreciate any thoughts you have about the best way to approach this! Yes, wait until you have an offer and at that point you can say, “Would it be possible for me to set up a call with the hiring manager before accepting? I have some questions about the role that I didn’t have a chance to ask at my interview.” You may also like:how to tell an employee to stay in their lanean employee 2 levels down refused to meet with meis it discrimination that all the moms in the company have to have childcare but the one dad doesn't? { 334 comments }
how to get people to answer my questions, without sounding rude or snarky by Alison Green on March 26, 2025 A reader writes: I need help figuring out how to point out to someone they haven’t answered my question in a way that doesn’t sound rude. I’m a 40-year-old woman who has recently been diagnosed with both ADHD and auditory processing disorder. I’ve found that this is the reason why I have a hard time holding a lot of verbal information in my head. And this is why for my entire life I’ve been dealing with a communication problem that I don’t know how to handle. The problem is this: I ask someone a question, but they don’t answer my question. They reply with a word salad of vagueness and unnecessary information, and I’m left not knowing what the answer to my question is. I’ve had this problem both communicating in person and via instant messaging platforms such as Teams. I’ve encountered this problem with several different coworkers at various companies over the past 20 years. Here are examples of conversations I’ve had. Please note these are not word for word what was said, because I can’t remember exactly what was said. Example #1 (in-person conversation) Me: Hey, Bill, do you have any meetings scheduled today? Bill: I was going to have a meeting with Bob but he canceled on me. They are scheduling way too many meetings for me I can’t get any work done blah blah blah blah… At this point my brain gets overwhelmed with all the unnecessary information and I walk away. And 20 minutes later, I realize they never answered my question. Example #2 (in-person conversation) Me: Hey Peter, I’m getting ready to order the teapots, I just wanted to verify that nothing’s changed. We still need five, correct? Peter: Well, Joanna thinks we only need three, but I think we need more like eight. Last time we went with seven and that still wasn’t enough. Me (trying to process): Um, okay, so … um … how many should I order this time? Peter: See, once we get this new automated ordering system in place, we won’t have to go through any of this manual ordering. All that will need to be done is push a button and everything’s done. No need for manual entry. Me: Yeah, I hear ya. But in the meantime we still have to do it the old way, so how many teapots should I order? Peter: I used to order 10 teapots every month, but that got to be too much. And I need to renew our Peppermint license. Me: Wait a minute, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to use Peppermint anymore? That it was causing too many problems? Peter: Bob said he didn’t think it was that big a deal. Me: Not a big deal? It’s making our teapots run slow, we talked about this in last week’s meeting, I thought we all agreed we were going to start using Chamomile tea from now on? Peter: Chamomile is crap, it never works like it’s supposed to. And then we go back and forth about which tea we said we were going to use and 20 minutes later when I’m back at my desk, I realize Peter never told me how many teapots to order. I also encounter this problem with instant messaging like Teams. Conversation #3 (instant messaging) Me: Hi Michael. The Jersey store has a new employee, Peter Gibbons. I was just checking to see if you’ve sent him the electronic onboarding packet yet? Michael: Hey! I wait for him to answer my question, but he doesn’t. So after waiting about 15 minutes, I message again: Me: Hi Michael. So the Jersey store has a new employee, Peter Gibbons. I’m just double checking that you’ve sent them their onboarding packet? Michael: I’ve only used the onboarding function primarily for the California and Texas locations. Usually, when we already have the employee’s information, the previous accountant would just add them to the system. I’m working on giving access to the general managers to send it themselves, but I’m still working on it. Me: Okay, thanks but I feel you didn’t really answer my question. I’m just trying to confirm if you’ve sent Peter the onboarding package or not? I wait and after 10 minutes they respond. Michael: No, I have not. Me: Okay, thanks. When I told a friend of mine about conversation #3, she said I was rude. Over the years I have encountered this situation both at work and in personal relationships, so I know it is going to keep happening to me. Yes, it is a little easier for me to collect my thoughts when communicating via email, but sometimes I’ll send an email and the other person will call me on the phone or come over and talk to me in person about the email, so I can’t always get around not talking in person. So can you provide me with the words I can say when a person doesn’t answer my question, both in person and instant messaging, that doesn’t come across as rude or snarky? I think anyone, diagnoses or no diagnoses, would find the first two conversations frustrating! You asked a direct question and got a bunch of information that didn’t answer it. The basic formulation to use when that happens: “Understood! What I need to know is X, because of Y — can you tell me that?” So it could sound like this: You: Hey, Bill, do you have any meetings scheduled today? Bill: I was going to have a meeting with Bob but he canceled on me. They are scheduling way too many meetings for me I can’t get any work done blah blah blah blah… You: Understood! I’m trying to see who’s available to meet with a new client today — do you have time this afternoon? You: Hey, Bill, do you have any meetings scheduled today? Bill: I was going to have a meeting with Bob but he canceled on me. They are scheduling way too many meetings for me I can’t get any work done blah blah blah blah… You: Understood! Do you have anything that is still on the schedule for today? I’m trying to figure out which conference rooms will be free and when. Bill: I was going to to use the Oatmeal Lounge at 2, but now I don’t know because blah blah blah… You: OK! I need to know which conference rooms will be open. It sounds like I shouldn’t plan on that one, but if it frees up, can you tell me? (Restating what you need from him and why, and asking for specific actions.) You: Hey, Bill, do you have any meetings scheduled today? Bill: I was going to have a meeting with Bob but he canceled on me. They are scheduling way too many meetings for me I can’t get any work done blah blah blah blah… You: I’m trying to figure out when the Oatmeal Lounge will be free. Do you have anything scheduled in there today?: In your example #2, you did a good job of restating what you needed, but then Peter introduced a curveball that was important to talk about too (the peppermint situation) and you didn’t realize until later that you never got back to your original question. In that case, once you realized that, you should just go back to Peter and say, “We got sidetracked about peppermint and we never nailed down how many teapots I should order. Can you give me the exact number you want me to order?” In fact, whenever you realize later that your brain got overwhelmed and you didn’t get the answer you needed, that’s the approach to use: go back to the person, name what happened (“I realized we didn’t nail this down”), and ask again. You don’t need to feel weird about that; that’s a thing that happens sometimes, and it’s fine to just be super matter-of-fact about “whoops, just realized I still need info on this.” Because you’re feeling frustrated, I think you’re worried that going back a second time to say, essentially, “dude, we still haven’t resolved this” will seem aggressive (because you’re feeling kind of aggressive at that point), but it’s a normal and commonplace thing that happens, and they don’t need to know you’re privately aggravated. The third conversation is interesting because in that one, I think Michael did answer your question. You were looking for a yes or no, and he didn’t give you one of those words, but he did give you the substance of a no: you asked if a New Jersey employee received an onboarding packet, and he replied that he’s only sending those for California and Texas locations. When you responded that that didn’t answer your question, that’s the piece that’s reading as rude to your friend — because it came across as a bit like, “I am demanding that you answer me in a very literal yes/no format, regardless of what you just said.” I can see where you weren’t 100% sure from Michael’s initial response (he said he was using the onboarding function primarily for California and Texas locations, which leaves room for occasionally using it elsewhere), but it would have been more polite/collegial to reply with something more like, “So just to confirm, Peter Gibbons didn’t get one, right?” A lot of handling these conversations without sounding snarky is just about: * Restating what you need if you don’t have an answer yet — and explaining why, which can help people narrow in on what will be helpful to share and what won’t. I know you’re thinking it should be clear to them at the start, but it’s common for the other person’s answer to be affected by their own frame of reference/priorities/current focus, which may be different from the ones you have in play. * Being matter-of-fact and not letting your frustration show — trying to see it as “hmmm, that didn’t work because humans are human-ing, let me try again” rather than “WTF is up with this word salad?” * Instead of focusing on “how to point out someone hasn’t answered my question,” focus on “how to get this question answered” — which is a subtle difference, but a real one. The point isn’t to make them understand they haven’t answered you; the point is just to get the answer. * Being willing to go back after the fact if you realize you’re still not clear. You may also like:what should I do if I need more time to think of an answer to an interview question?my coworker won't answer my emailsmy manager says my shyness is seen as rudeness { 372 comments }
update: my boss never praises my work by Alison Green on March 26, 2025 Remember the letter-writer whose boss never praised their work? Here’s the update. My undying thanks to you and all the commentariat for your compassionate take and excellent advice: I needed to get out of that job. It was advice that didn’t land well at the time, because my morale was so shot that I didn’t even see the point in job-hunting. How could I hope to get a better job when I’d clearly never gotten good at this one, which was for an organization I adored, using the skill set I was educated in? Still, where self-esteem fails, spite finds a way. Every time my boss did something that made me want to scream at her, I took a deep breath, smiled, and after work, sent out a job application somewhere. I had no actual hopes of getting hired anywhere (see: self-esteem=0), but it was like hitting a punching bag in terms of dealing with frustration. But then, to my astonishment, I got an offer! With a raise! Here’s where I didn’t take AAM advice: I went to my boss and asked her if the org would match the offer I’d received. I know, I know … Keep in mind, I was terrified of change, concerned that I’d be as lackluster in this new role as my boss clearly thought I was in this one, and … well, the petty part of me wanted to see if I could force one measly shred of validation out of her. “What are you making now?” she asked, in response to my query. I told her. (Keep in mind: I was 50% of her direct reports, and my pay had not changed since the last time I’d asked for a raise. We’d had cost-of-living adjustments traditionally but Covid shot those out of the water.) “Oh, that can’t be right,” said she. “I’ll check with Finance. You’re making more than you think you are.” So I had an evening to mull over that peculiar statement. Was there a paperwork error someplace? Was she trying to get into a gross vs. net debate? Did she just think I was spectacularly stupid? In the morning, she reaffirmed. “I’ve talked to Finance, and I’m right. You’re making more than you think you are.” (Reader, I was making $32K.) “However, the organization can match the new offer.” But … I was done. I politely informed her that I’d decided the new opportunity was the way to go, gave my two weeks’ notice, smilingly attended a farewell party in boss’s backyard with all of boss’s work friends and none of mine, and two weeks and one day later I was walking into my new job. New job is AWESOME. It was a move from nonprofit development into higher ed, supporting several departments whose subject areas are right up my alley. I get stellar reviews from the faculty I support and from my supervisor. I feel good at my job, every day. There was another raise after a year. And best of all — a few months ago, a couple of “my” professors invited me out to dinner with them, and once they had me trapped in a booth at Texas Roadhouse, they announced, “You’re smart. We like you. We’re confused as to why you’re just doing an admin job and not getting a Ph.D. We will write you recommendations and want to be on your committee.” So, it’s official as of yesterday — I’m doing a doctoral program, free with my employment benefits! When I told my (wonderful) supervisor that it was something I was thinking about tackling, her immediate, no-hesitation response was, “Amazing! Yes, I 100% support you in this. :-)” So, whatever the problem was — a bad manager, a bad employee, just a bad job fit — the solution was, as so often: listen to the excellent advice at AAM. Yours most sincerely, Me Someday soon, Dr. Me You may also like:my boss never praises my workI might not have the skills for the job -- should I point that out to my interviewer?I reported my boss's boss for racism and now feel guilty { 233 comments }
my employee wants us to stop ordering “unhealthy snacks” by Alison Green on March 26, 2025 A reader writes: I work in a small workplace, we’re about 40 employees. When I started at the company about five years ago, I started ordering granola bars and some treats. Then I started adding on some fizzy drinks and then progressed to some other snacks, like nuts, fruits, and cookies. None of this is supposed to be the only food people eat, but it’s nice to have some quick to grab in the middle of a busy day. I have an employee now who manages the stocking of this, plus coffee, tea, milk, and cream. An issue has arisen because we have a coworker who is vegan and he’s decided that we need to stop bringing in what he deems to be unhealthy snacks. Which are basically any processed foods. He’s brought this up to me, to my employee, and to our Health and Safety committee in their quarterly meeting. He obviously has strong beliefs about what people should be eating. When he came to me about it, I told him that we are all adults and that everyone has the right to choose what food they wish to eat. What I wish I had said to him is that unsolicited health advice is not okay. People are not coming to work to be lectured on what he believes is healthy eating. I don’t make him listen to rants about why he should eat meat, because these are individual choices that people need to make. On top of this, I think we need to respect that many people have complicated relationship with food, and he is trying to put his nutrition beliefs on others in a space that should be not about this. He’s also made unsolicited remarks about what coworkers are eating, to coworkers who were not discussing food in any way. While I believe he has good intentions, I think he’s overstepping. What is the best way to tell him to keep his beliefs to himself (on top of the fact that he’s not a trained nutritionist)? I just want a good way to shut him down that’s not too confrontational, because he does make me want to be. Yeah, you absolutely need to shut him down. He’s being rude and obnoxious, and because it’s happening at work, his coworkers are a captive audience for it. No one has asked for his evaluation of their diets, and he needs to respect people’s autonomy and privacy and stay out of their food choices. For the record, that would be true even if he were a nutritionist. Unless he were their nutritionist, it would still be overstepping and out of line to go around critiquing what people eat. (In fact, here’s some fun reading: my company’s pushy new dietician won’t leave me alone, and the update.) I’m not entirely sure whether you’re this guy’s manager or not, but I think you are. (I hope you are!) If so, sit down with him and say this: “I should have been clearer when we last talked about this. I need you to stop commenting on other people’s food choices, unless they actively and specifically request your critique. You are welcome to have whatever private opinions you’d like about what other people eat, but you cannot continuing critiquing their diets in our office. It’s unwelcome, people deserve to be able to come to work without having to fend that off, and it’s going to affect your working relationships with people.” (I deleted that clause because it’s better not to muddy the waters; just stick with “you need to stop.”) If he brings up the office-provided snacks again, you should say, “If there are specific snacks that you would like us to add to what we’re providing, you can absolutely submit suggestions for them. I am open to making additional things available, but we’re not going to restrict what we provide based on one person’s preferences.” You might add, “It’s becoming disruptive to continue bringing this up, so I need you to accept that that’s the final answer.” If you’re not his manager and he’s just a coworker who you have no authority over, the framing would be more like this: “I want to ask you to stop commenting on other people’s food choices. I don’t know if you realize how often you do it, but people deserve to be able to come to work without having their diets critiqued, and I think you’re really alienating people. That’s before we even get into how fraught food issues can be for people, which isn’t something anyone should have to share to be left alone.” (There’s additional advice here if he’s not someone you manage.) You may also like:how can I get my coworkers to chip in for snacks, everyone but me is going on a business trip, and moremy coworker is always dieting -- do we have to accommodate her?should I stop bringing in treats for my team? { 511 comments }
coworker doesn’t want to report our boss for harassment, I accidentally let a contact think my dad is still alive, and more by Alison Green on March 26, 2025 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My coworker doesn’t want to report our boss for harassment Recently a coworker shared information with me about some pretty egregious sexual comments our mutual boss made. My personal feeling is that she needs to share this with HR and/or our company leadership team (we are a small startup with less than 50 employees, going to leadership would be fine). She has said she’ll consider it but she just needed to tell someone. Then she asked that I tell no one. I want to tell our HR anyway because there should be an investigation and/or consequences. What are my obligations in this scenario? If I make an “anonymous” tip, it will be easy to figure out it came from me since (I believe) I am the only person she told. And if it comes out and I don’t tell, am I in trouble for knowing but not reporting (I am not in any sort of legal mandated reporting situation)? Basically, what do I do here? If you’re a manager, you’re legally obligated to report it; not reporting it would expose your company to legal liability. But if you’re not a manager, that doesn’t apply — and in that case I’d argue that you should respect your coworker’s wishes. While it shouldn’t be this way, the reality is that reporting harassment can have real repercussions for the victim. Hopefully that won’t be the case at your company, but there’s a risk that your coworker’s life at work would get worse, not better, and/or that she’ll be put in (further) uncomfortable situations she doesn’t want to be in, miss out on professional opportunities, or even be pushed out. That’s not a decision you should make on her behalf. I understand the impulse to report your boss, but your coworker is the person who will be most affected if you do, and you should err on the side of respecting her wishes. 2. I accidentally let a contact think my dad is still alive My dad was born and grew up in another country, let’s say Narnia. After moving here, he continued a very deep interest in and connection with it all his life and made sure it was part of my life growing up. Flash forward to today: I work in sales and am developing a relationship with a very prominent Narnian company, and in the course of chitchat with my contact it came up that my dad was born in Narnia. He was delighted and now mentions it often when introducing me to other Narnians as a kind of fun fact, and says things like “you’ll have to show X to your dad” or “your dad must be proud you’re working with Narnians” and so on. The problem: my dad is in fact dead. He passed away about a month before I first met my contact, and I did (and still sometimes do!) habitually refer to him in the present tense, and it simply didn’t occur to me until after the meeting. I realize that sounds sociopathic, but I just … forgot. My contact is so pleased about this Narnian connection and is generally such a lovely man that I don’t know how to clear up this misunderstanding — which has now been going on for about four months — without actually saying, “I forgot that my dad died.” Help! (For what it’s worth, I think my dad would indeed be very proud that I’m working with Narnians, and would also find this situation extremely funny.) The next time it comes up and your contact refers to your dad in the present tense, just say, “I should have mentioned — my dad died last year. But you’re absolutely right that he’d be so happy that I’m working with other Narnians!” There may be a brief moment of awkwardness, which is okay — but it’s likely to just seem like something that got misunderstood in the past, not like you were purposefully hiding anything from him. It’s also possible that he won’t even think about the fact that the previous conversations had been in present tense and will just think there hadn’t been an opportunity for it to come up yet. Mostly he’s likely to be focused on telling you he’s sorry to hear it. And then it will be handled and you won’t have to feel weird about it anymore! 3. My coworker got angry that I gave her time-sensitive info at the start of her shift Today at work we had a few call-outs. This meant last-second game plan changes. Everyone adjusted just fine, except my coworker Elizabeth. Elizabeth came into work and started small-talking with people right away. As soon as a supervisor spoke up (after giving her time to finish her conversation) to let her know about workflow changes for the day, she became incredibly frustrated and seemed to be holding back from saying something. I joined in the conversation and let her know I had taken care of some extra work to so she wouldn’t have to adjust from her normal workflow and gave her some follow-up info to make her workday easier. In the middle of us talking to her, she stormed off. I figured she might be having a hard day so I gave her time to cool off and half an hour later checked in on her. She was still angry and said she couldn’t handle talking about work that early in the day. Her shift just started. This seems unreasonable to me. We work in medical care and if we drop the ball, patients can suffer. We have plenty of time to chat once we get our work done, but much of the work we do is very time-sensitive. How can I adjust to Elizabeth’s responses in the future? I would like to be compassionate and try to understand where she’s coming from. However, at the moment I plan on not keeping her informed and letting her figure things out on her own, as it’s not my job to manage her emotional responses when I’m just sharing information like I would with anyone else in the workplace. I’d love your feedback on adjustments I could make or if I am being unreasonable with how to handle her. Elizabeth is being unreasonable; you are not. “Can’t handle talking about work during work time” is a little bananas — I mean, she might feel that way, but that’s something for her to manage on her own, not to make others manage for her. And being visibly frustrated and storming off because you’re trying to update her on time-sensitive work?! Your instinct that it’s not your job to manage her emotional responses is the right one. But your plan to not keep her informed and let her figure things out on her own might not be; that one depends on whether you have a responsibility to impart info to her and whether patients will be harmed if you don’t. If either of those things are the case and you’re finding yourself hesitant to talk to her because of her volatility, that’s a sign to bring in your manager to help. 4. Can I thank my spouse’s boss for being awesome? After 20-odd years of retail hell that did their damndest to beat my husband’s self-esteem and sense of worth in the workplace into the dirt, he finally landed in a job that not only pays the bills (and keeps up with inflation), but has him feeling like the extremely experienced and valued employee that he really is. This is mostly thanks to his absolute rockstar of a boss. She takes care of all of her employees, her unit is the best and most well-liked in the entire state and has won awards from the huge corporate offices, she goes to bat without hesitation for her crew, has open communication, encourages and respects healthy work/home boundaries, and is genuinely a funny and cool person! My husband has witnessed her go above and beyond for her team consistently, both in the every day and when emergencies strike. Everyone he meets is happy with my husband’s work, and his boss in particular is very pleased, but is there an appropriate way I could pass on thanks for, well, putting an end to literal decades of toxic workplaces that my husband has had to work to make ends meet? It’d probably be weird to pass on a card that says, “Thanks for making a great workplace that I haven’t directly joined but have benefitted from!” Nope, don’t do it. This is your husband’s relationship to manage, not yours, and it would be overstepping for you to do that (and potentially even a little undermining to your husband, depending on exactly what you shared). Enjoy and appreciate the situation from a remove. 5. Employers that ask for too much info in doctor’s notes I’m a nurse practitioner working in primary care. I see patients for their annual physicals, maintenance of chronic conditions, and for same-day sick visits. My question is about doctor’s notes for patients who have called out sick from work. My usual template is as follows (can be edited as needed, obviously): “Please be advised that the above named patient was seen in our office today (date) for an acute condition. They may return to work without restrictions on (date). Please excuse their absence (date range).” I like it because it says “yes, this person had a medical thing, they’re allowed to work again on this date, their absence was legitimate” but doesn’t get into any unnecessary detail. But I have been running into situations more often lately where an employer requires very specific things in their sick note — “diagnosis and prognosis” as one example, so they ask me to write that they had the flu and that a complete recovery is expected. I don’t have much of a problem with this in the case of common viral illnesses, but what about anxiety? Or chronic knee pain that’s flared up? I feel this violates the privacy that patients should expect when they visit their doctor. Not to mention when some employers require FMLA paperwork to be completed for any absence three days or longer … this is a huge waste of time for most situations for both the employee and their doctor. Is there any way to push back on these kind of requirements? Should employees push back? Or should we all just do what HR has decided it likes best? You’re absolutely right. Doctor’s notes aren’t supposed to contain specific diagnoses, details of medical treatment, or any other private medical info that isn’t directly related to the employee’s ability to perform their job. Legally, notes should be kept to the minimum necessary to fulfill their purpose: a confirmation that the person was seen on a particular date, the need for time off, and any other work-related restrictions. Anything more detailed than that puts the employer at risk of violating the Americans with Disabilities Act, which prohibits them from requesting information beyond what’s “job-related and consistent with business necessity.” When an employer asks for more info than they’re entitled to, you don’t need to comply. You can provide the info you and the employee are comfortable with and ignore inappropriately invasive questions (or employ vague terms like “temporary condition” or “illness”). Related: what’s your boss allowed to ask when you call in sick? You may also like:a coworker is harassing my neighbor (who is having chemo)is it OK to call out sick on a business trip if you're just really tired?when your employer catches you forging a doctor's note to get out of work { 369 comments }
were we wrong not to interview a volunteer for a paid job? by Alison Green on March 25, 2025 A reader writes: I would really love your opinion on how we handled this hiring process — and on the subsequent fallout. I work for a public library that has a very large volunteer base and a small paid staff. When we have a job opening, which is rare, volunteers are welcome to apply. We traditionally grant them a phone interview (i.e., they make the first cut) as a courtesy, though that is not official policy. A few volunteers have been hired over the years, most recently about three years ago. One volunteer, Stephanie, has applied twice (two years apart) and made it to an in-person interview (second round) both times. Enough time had passed after the first rejection that we gave her the second opportunity, and to her credit, she does have an impressive resume of high-level administrative work and did well in the short phone screenings. However, in both in-person interviews, we found that she was rambling and unfocused despite our best efforts, and she expressed hesitations about performing some key parts of the job (working under pressure, multi-tasking). She also made some offhand comments that came off as elitist and lacking compassion, and we really don’t feel she’s a fit for our community-focused, fast-paced environment, nor would any of us particularly look forward to working with her. The reason we gave for rejecting her both times was the standard “there were candidates whose skills and experience were a better fit,” though we took extra care with the wording due to our ongoing relationship. Stephanie just applied for a third time (nine months after the last rejection). A volunteer has never applied more than once, so we have no precedent for this. We (hiring committee of three) already knew she was a “no” and did not invite her to a phone interview this time. We felt that continuing to interview her would send the wrong message. As the hiring manager, I sent her a kind, personalized rejection that she had not made it to the interview round this time, citing the large and competitive applicant pool (true), and reiterated that we value her and her volunteer work. Although she had told the volunteer supervisor there would be no hard feelings if she didn’t get the job, Stephanie did NOT take it well. Long story short, over the course of four weeks, she has approached our director in public expressing her shock and disappointment at not being interviewed, sent an angry and accusatory email directed at me for being “unfair,” made passive-aggressive comments about our new hire, and accosted the director at work with an angry diatribe about how she “can do the job” and had been owed a courtesy interview. Along the way, she made a racist comment about a previous hire (“I know you hired her because she’s Black, but I think that’s great”), claimed to be more qualified than any of our recent hires, and “threatened” to stop going above and beyond in her volunteer work (okay?). I’ve never seen anyone lose their cool like this over a hiring decision. At least she has validated for us that we made the right call, I suppose. We truly want to learn from this and regret that there are hard feelings that might have been avoided. Were we wrong in not granting Stephanie a courtesy interview a third time, as she believes? Should we have been more direct about the reasons when we rejected her the last time (or this time)? And if she were to apply again down the road, as she said she still plans to do, what do we do? It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. You’ve interviewed her twice and knew she wasn’t going to be a competitive candidate, so chose not to lead her on or misuse her time. She’s not owed repeated shots at a job just because she volunteers, and a lot of people in her shoes would prefer not to have their time wasted or their hopes raised if you already knew you wouldn’t hire them. If you could go back and redo anything, I’d say it would have been better to have a conversation with her where you provided some feedback on why you weren’t going to interview her, in recognition of the fact that she volunteers with you and has shown a long-running interest in being hired. But the fact that you didn’t do that in no way warrants her response! (And it sounds like you did send a personalized note, not just a form rejection.) Can you have a conversation with her about it now? Given the way she’s been acting since, it sounds like you’ve got to do that to address both her frustration and the fact that she can’t go on being so disruptive about it. Ideally in doing that, you’d give her some feedback about why you don’t think she’s the right fit for the job. “Rambling and unfocused” can be tough to give feedback to a candidate on (although not impossible), but “hesitations about performing key parts of the job” is much easier — as is the part about making comments that aren’t aligned with your community-focused culture. You’re not looking to debate any of this with her, of course, but because she’s a long-time volunteer, it would be respectful to share those concerns with her so that she has a better understanding of why she was passed over. Depending on how that conversation goes, you might also need to tell her point-blank that she can’t keep accosting people about the decision and to ask whether she wants to continue volunteering, knowing that that behavior can’t continue. You may also like:interviewer fake-rejected me to see if I would "fight for the job"a rejected candidate keeps demanding to know why we didn't hire himmy volunteer is into BDSM and wants to be a servant at our living history events { 220 comments }
are these men hitting on me, or legitimate business contacts? by Alison Green on March 25, 2025 A reader writes: In the past year or two, quite a few people (typically middle-aged men) have been reaching out to me via LinkedIn (I am a 20-something woman) trying to recruit me. While I do have a lot of experience, I’m wondering if it’s odd that some of these professionals are reaching out to me, as I am under the impression it should be the other way around. They are the ones with the experience and connections while I’m the one building my network. My settings are set to the “not seeking a job” setting, and it’s clear on my profile that I am currently employed, and yet I still receive these fairly regular messages. After connecting with them, they often message me with professional questions, like what I’m studying or what my career goals are, that turn into where I live, how old I am, what I like to do for fun, etc. While none have them have been outright creepy, many are definitely heading in that direction and my spider senses tell me to shut it down before it gets too far. I tend to respond to the messages I get because they often ask about my interest in a potential job or industry and I don’t want to turn down a future opportunity. But how can I tell when someone is generally interested in my experience or just in the fact that I am young and a woman? This is a problem many of my friends have also experienced, too. I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here. You may also like:men are hitting on my scheduling bot because it has a woman's namemy boss wants help with her dating app profilemy boss sent my client a flirty message from my email account { 160 comments }
my coworkers won’t answer their phones, ever by Alison Green on March 25, 2025 A reader writes: I feel bananas asking this, but could you give me a read on how/whether people still use phones in office/remote office work in 2025? I have a fully remote, customer-focused job for a tiny organization, and no one on my team will use phones. I have the most customer interactions and am willing to answer my phone if one calls, but I wind up getting calls for everyone on my team, because none of my colleagues will pick up their phones or even return voicemails. At most, they will email and agree to schedule a Zoom, but mainly they just ignore calls entirely. I don’t mind helping out, but I have very different functions and access to systems from my colleagues and often I CAN’T help. I tell customers to contact the relevant person but they say, “Oh they never respond,” which I know to be true so what can I say? My colleagues have told me phoning people is old-fashioned and anxiety-provoking and they don’t want to deal, so they don’t, but the customers are … how we make money? I am not a receptionist and don’t have the ability on my phone to forward calls. I find it awkward and somewhat demoralizing to spend my time taking messages and asking colleagues to respond to calls. I have spoken to my colleagues about the customers having the right to do business how they wish, English language learners having better spoken English than written, and that a quick call can replace 10 emails. I have not found a way to bring up the fact that some of them tend to both lose and misread emails, so calls are better for nipping that sort of thing in the bud. I have brought this phone-phobia up with friends who work elsewhere, and some have said they just refuse to use their phones too! I don’t love using the phone but I don’t love lots of things about my job — that’s what the money’s for! Am I way out of step here? Is there a solution I am not thinking of for a fully remote office where only one person uses a phone? I should say, the volume of calls is actually pretty low, but it is still embarrassing when someone calls with a problem for a colleague and I have to tell them that person is just not accessible by phone, not ever. No, you are not out of step. Your coworkers are being ridiculous — and negligent, it sounds like. It’s true that lots of people don’t like phone calls! Before email and other text-based methods of communicating, calls were the only real option for quick communication so people used the phone without much thought; there were no alternatives. Now that we do have alternatives, a lot of people have grown much less comfortable with the phone — most likely, simply from using it so much less often. But it’s still a normal and required part of many, many jobs … and that clearly applies to your coworkers’ jobs because customers are calling them. In theory there are jobs where you could decide you won’t deal with customers by phone, but those are typically jobs where you are the boss or self-employed and have the standing to make that decision and to accept whatever trade-offs come with it, like potentially losing business. That does not appear to be the case for your coworkers. It sounds like it’s time to talk to your boss, since you’re ending up having to deal with your colleagues’ customers because they won’t. Tell your boss what you said here: you’re getting calls for everyone else on your team because they won’t answer their phones or return voicemails, you’re often unable to help, and when you tell callers to contact the relevant person they tell you they already know that person never responds. Tell your boss it’s interfering with your work and leaving customers unhelped, and ask for her assistance in resolving it. From there, if it keeps happening, cc your manager on every phone message you take for your coworkers. Having their boss cc’d on “Client X called and said they need to talk to you and you haven’t returned their messages” may get action where trying to appeal to their general sense of responsibility hasn’t. You may also like:back slowly away from your email and pick up the damn phonedealing with recruiters when phone calls make you anxiouscan I tell clients that I don't talk on the phone? { 424 comments }