Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss told me to be less harsh but I think it was a miscommunication

Yesterday, I had the rare honor of crying in front of my boss. He pulled me aside to gently ask me to rein in my big and sarcastic sense of humor because people have told him they find it dismissive. I told him that I volunteer to be the jerk with external people to protect the team’s time and sanity because we haven’t had a real team lead all year. He then said it was also coming from people on the team. I started crying because all I do is play peacemaker, and I was just baffled how to make fewer waves while everyone comes to me to solve problems from HR to facilities to project management.

I left the office after the meeting and called a friend. During our conversation, I realized the only person I had a dust up with lately is my boss’s assistant. They work in a separate building, so I think of them as both “on” and “off” my direct team.

Last week, in a meeting I strongly pushed back on deadlines they were giving one of my colleagues. He had a lot of technical work to do, and the deadline felt arbitrary. Our boss wasn’t at this meeting (he normally would’ve been), so I had to tell his assistant I would go over his head to pick the fight. He said our boss would not be happy. I said, “That’s fine, because I’m a grown-up.” What I meant is, “He can be mad at me, I’m not afraid of conflict.”

However, his assistant is 24. And I think he took my words personally like “I am a grown-up unlike you, a little kid.” That would be a very mean thing to say to someone, and I wouldn’t blame him for telling his boss I’m a jerk.

In our meeting, I asked my boss if I should make apologies and he said no, just try to be less harsh. Now that I’ve pieced this together (and think it’s a miscommunication), I want to apologize to his assistant.

The caveat being I don’t know if this interaction is what my boss really meant! Should I pass the apology through my boss and he can do what he wants? Should I do a general “sorry, I was really tough about the deadlines” conversation with his assistant? Does crying soften my big bad wolf image enough that my boss will do the damage control for me?

Even taking the potential miscommunication over “grown-up” out of it … it sounds like you might be coming across pretty aggressively in your communications with people: “I volunteer to be the jerk” … “big and sarcastic sense of humor” … “I strongly pushed back” (on a coworker’s deadlines — was it your battle to fight?) … “I would go over his head to pick the fight” … etc. That’s all a lot! You said all you do is play peacemaker, and I’m sure there’s plenty that’s not in your letter, but all of what’s here sounds like the opposite of peace-making. And to be clear, sometimes at work, the thing that’s called for is not peace-making. But this is a striking amount of adversarial framing in a short letter.

I would apologize to the assistant for what you said, because it probably did sound like you meant to imply he’s not a grown-up, and also because it sounds like you were combative with him beyond that. But more importantly, consider that you might be coming across differently than you realize or intend. Your boss called it “harsh” and that’s what it sounds like to me too — not just this one interaction, but the larger pattern. (And no, I would not assume that your boss will do damage control for you; it sounds like he’s assigning that work to you — that’s what “be less harsh” is.)

2. Our entire nonprofit is in jeopardy because an ex-employee didn’t check the mail

I run a small nonprofit. We have an ex-employee who did a lot of damage before she left a few weeks ago and I need advice.

I put J on a PIP last spring. When she did not improve, I let her know that I was not inclined to keep her on for the next year, so (last chance) time to fish or cut bait. J soon turned in her resignation.

While she was here, she had the responsibility to check one of our two mailboxes. One is for our mailing address, but she also had the key for a backup box, in case people send mail to our street address. We mostly get junk mail there, but the occasional legit mail shows up, and we check it regularly. Or so I thought.

A few weeks after J turned in the key and left, we discovered that she had not checked the mail there for five months, lying about bringing it in during that time. We found a stack of wet and mildewed mail in the box.

Among the junk were some significant pieces of mail, including checks due to us totaling $25,000+. We are trying to get those reissued. Worse, there were multiple letters from our state’s charitable registration office requesting documentation. When we did not reply, our state charitable status was revoked and we cannot legally solicit funds as a charity until we are reinstated. We have sent in the documents and are in the process of re-registering for charitable status. We don’t know if this will take weeks or months, and I have not been able to reach anyone at the registering office who can tell us. As a nonprofit relying on donations, this is potentially devastating.

We filed a case with USPS and the Office of the Inspector General with regard to obstruction/delaying the mail. They responded that since the mail was never actually stolen, and was technically in our possession the whole time, no law has been broken.

We will suffer a loss of income for certain. We are not allowed to solicit or receive donations or grants until this is resolved. State funding is impossible. I dread having to “furlough” dedicated employees, but if we don’t have income for months, we will not have the cash to make payroll. Is there anything I can do to hold this person accountable? Can a malicious, disgruntled ex-employee destroy our nonprofit like this?

Yes. This is a horrible situation, but the post office is right that no crime was committed. The mail was delivered to your organization and technically in your possession; it’s just that the person who the organization assigned to deal with it from there wasn’t doing her job.

The tough-love answer is that ultimately it’s the organization’s responsibility to have enough checks and balances in place that you’ll spot it early if someone isn’t doing a crucial part of their job. J had been on a PIP last spring so you’d known for a while that there were problems with her work; someone needed to be managing her much more closely, particularly given the potential high stakes in her area. When you’ve got someone under-performing to the point of a PIP, you’ve got to think about what else might be going wrong in their purview that you might not know about, because often there will be more, and get additional visibility into those things (usually through some combination of spot checks, data reviews, probing questions, direct observation, and extra poking around).

That doesn’t mean you deserve this! This is an awful situation. But J no longer works for you and can’t be held accountable for doing a bad job for an organization she’s no longer part of. All you can do is learn from it and strengthen your systems for the future.

3. Preschool teacher’s pronouns

This isn’t work-related for me as an employee, but as a parent/community member at my son’s preschool. It’s part of a larger organization that is ostensibly religious but doesn’t incorporate religion in any meaningful way.

I’ve known my son’s new preschool teacher from around the organization and we’ve chatted a fair bit — we have some background in common and they’re very friendly. Now that my son is in this person’s class, I decided to Google them (a light Google, I promise!). The search turned up pretty much what I expected; if anything it made me like them more. The reason I’m writing, though, is because one of their profiles pretty prominently and publicly lists their pronouns as they/them. But at the school, all the teachers are gendered with a Ms. or Mr., and this teacher is not an exception — their classroom door says “Mr. Michael.” I’ve always known them as Mr. Michael and referred to them that way.

My gut is telling me to ignore what I learned online and just follow the teacher’s lead. I don’t know what their reasons are for using he/him pronouns at school and I definitely don’t think saying “hey, I googled you, would you prefer they/them” is a great way to show support. Our state is purple but our area tends more liberal, and the organization that owns the preschool explicitly welcomes people of all gender identities and expressions. But obviously that doesn’t automatically make it easy for individuals to be out, and we all know how fraught the topic of gender expression is in general in the early childhood space.

As a parent and member of the organization, I wonder if speaking up about supporting teachers (and others) who fall outside the traditional gender binary could have a positive impact. I just have no idea how to do it without making it weird for this one teacher.

Nope, leave it alone. The teacher may have reasons for using he/him at school and you shouldn’t out them. You can certainly look for ways to signal that you’re a safe and supportive person in general — feel free to carry a tote bag with a rainbow pin or wear a t-shirt with an equality message or anything else along those lines — but follow their lead (not Google’s!) when it comes to their identity.

4. My company posted my job on LinkedIn

I am a great employee who has had no negative events during my tenure. Last night I was told there was a post for my job on LinkedIn, which I saw and took a screenshot of. Ten minutes later, it was taken down. I am not sure what direction to go because I am out of town and my boss has said nothing to me. Can you help?

It’s possible that it was simply an error: someone meant to post job X and accidentally posted job Y. The fact that it was taken down fairly quickly makes that more likely.

But it’s entirely understandable to be unnerved and to ask your boss about it. It’s fine to say, “I saw my job was briefly posted on the company’s LinkedIn earlier this week. It’s down now, but obviously that got me concerned.”

5. Should I follow up on my application again?

I recently applied for a job that I really, really want. I’m not, perhaps, the “ideal” candidate, but I think I am qualified and it’s in a field with a lot of openings, so I feel like it should be to the job seeker’s advantage.

After I found the posting, I went to the company’s website to do more investigation. I followed the instructions on their website and sent a resume, cover letter, and work samples to a careers.companyname email. I got an automated response that they would review my resume within 10 days and get back to me if my qualifications meet their needs. Two weeks passed and I sent one follow-up email just to verify my resume was received.

During that two weeks, I realized I had a connection in my network who used to be a partner in this firm. Although he didn’t know me super well, I knew that I had made a favorable impression on him while participating in some professional organization’s events. I reached out to him and asked if he could forward my name along to a contact at the company. He did so, with a soft but definitely positive recommendation, and cc’d me. One of the principals on the chain replied all with, “Thanks, we’ll keep an eye out!”

Now I’m left wondering what my next steps should be. I have no way of knowing if they have truly even seen my resume. Perhaps they are looking for an application from Indeed or something and by sending it via email, I made a faux pas. Or maybe they have seen it and are just not interested. Or maybe these things just take longer that I’d like. For what it’s worth, the job listing is still active. Do I follow up again? And if so, how long should I wait between the first follow-up and a second follow-up? And do I reply to my first email or the group email with the recommendation?

Don’t do additional follow-up. They know you’re interested because you applied, you confirmed they received your resume, and they told your contact they’d take a look. That’s all there’s really room for you to do; anything else would be pushy and risk being annoying. If they want to interview you, they’ll let you know.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss asked us to hold him accountable for his weight loss plan

I recently left an admin position at a resort that includes a high-end athletic facility in an affluent tourist area. It is a very old three-star resort that has made serious investments in becoming a five-star resort in the next few years. They have hired a consultant to advise and he is working one-on-one with my former direct boss, the senior accountant (Paul), get him where he needs to be to be promoted to CFO.

The consultant held a team-building meeting that focused on holding ourselves and each other accountable. We went around the room and said what we needed help being held accountable for. When it was Paul’s turn, the consultant encouraged him to tell the group that his weight loss is what he wishes to be held accountable for (among other work-related items, such as communication). The consultant prompted him to tell us all about his progress so far and what he wants to accomplish etc. After the meeting ended, Paul put his work-out regimen on his door and reminded us to hold him accountable for it.

The consultant calls/texts Paul weekly to check up on progress for “all his goals,” but the conversation is focused 80% on weight loss, from what I could hear on the speaker phone. I asked our junior accountant his opinion and he felt that it is up to Paul to say what he wants to say, and that the consultant is focused on appearance because of the image that the resort is trying to project. My intuition is that his appearance may be kind of tied to his promotion.

My question, is this not wild? Aside from my own feelings about talking to my boss about if he worked out, I feel this is not fair to Paul. Surely image is nothing that some tailored suits and a few body language conversations can’t fix? What if this were a woman? Is there ever an appropriate time for this type of conversation at work, with or without a promotion on the line?

No, this is weird. I can’t tell whether the weight loss goal was something that Paul initially raised himself or whether the consultant pushed him into it. If it was Paul’s idea, it’s weird and inappropriate to ask employees to hold him accountable to that in any way, let alone to have weekly check-in’s with a company-paid consultant about his progress. If it was the consultant’s idea, it’s far worse.

2. After I had to fire someone, my boss asked if I still want to be a manager

After 14 years managing a team of nine people, six years ago I switched careers, taking a less senior position in order to do some very fulfilling nonprofit work. In my current role, I supervise three people. One had to be let go two weeks ago. I felt terrible about it, but it was clearly not working out due to a skill-set mismatch, plus other behaviors that were causing issues. The employee had come off a PIP about 10 weeks prior, but the improvement was not sustained beyond the first few weeks. The employee felt taken by surprise during the termination meeting and lashed out, trying to convince the HR rep who was present that I had not given them any feedback about this lack of progress or unprofessionalism. (HR was not fooled, but I definitely had given the employee more leeway than I probably should have.)

Fast forward to yesterday, when my boss asked whether I “still wanted to be a manager.” I was so taken aback that I did not ask whether this was coming from a place of concern, as I had voiced feeling like I had let this employee down as a manager, or from a place of mistrust/disappointment that I had not been able to mentor this employee into a better performer. (My boss was out on leave during most of this employee’s tenure of 10 months, so his understanding of the situation was not first-hand, but he was in agreement that the termination was needed.)

I answered that I was content to continue managing my team. Maybe I am not that great of a manager and merely have been lucky during my entire career in never needing to fire someone? I have been truly shaken by this whole experience. Because we won’t be able to hire a replacement for a couple months, I am now busy doing the work of two people, but find myself fretting over my boss’ question. Do I let it go or ask for a clarification? Do I ask for some professional development of my management skills?

Go back and ask your boss why he asked. It’s very possible, even likely, that his question was a response to you voicing self-doubt. But you’re not sure and it’s weighing on you — and it’s potentially a serious enough topic that it doesn’t make sense to guess. Go back to your boss and say, “I’ve been thinking about you asking if I still wanted to manage and I want to make sure I understand where you were coming from. Do you have concerns about how I’m approaching the job?” Find out for sure instead of speculating.

For what it’s worth, anyone who’s managed for a long enough time will eventually have to fire someone. It doesn’t mean you failed as a manager — in fact, keeping someone on who was clearly not right for the job (after feedback and coaching) is what would have been the failure. Addressing a problem forthrightly and working through it is not. I don’t know the details of what happened and maybe there were failures in how you handled it; maybe you waited too long, didn’t set clear enough expectations, or didn’t give useful feedback. But “I didn’t manage to turn someone without the skills for the job into someone right for the job” isn’t normally in the failure category. Maybe it was a failure of hiring! That’s worth looking at. Whenever you have to let someone go, it’s smart to look at what happened and how you ended up there. And maybe you do want some management training. But the fact of having to fire someone who was backsliding right after finishing a PIP is not itself a sign you failed.

Related:
I had to fire someone and I feel like a failure

3. My coworker keeps screaming profanities … but we’re remote and he’s my husband

In a normal office environment, it would never be appropriate to shout or curse. But now that my husband works from home, he enjoys the perks of remote work such as wearing gym shorts and letting out a stream of expletives after frustrating meetings. The problem is that I work remotely, too, and it’s really stressing me out! It’s not audible on my calls (I have an excellent headset), but every few hours I get a jumpscare when there’s sudden banging and shouting in the next room.

I understand he’s on a very high drama project with impossible deadlines, so it seems wrong to tell him he’s not allowed an emotional outlet in his own home. But now I’m getting secondhand stress. How do I deal?

You need to talk to him about it! Tell him the impact it’s having on you and ask him to stop. This isn’t about saying he’s not allowed an emotional outlet in his own home; it’s about asking him to be considerate that during the workday, it’s a shared space where you’re both working.

He can have an emotional outlet outside of work hours, like everyone else. That’s how he’d need to deal if he were working in an office, and it’s not outrageously onerous to ask of him when you’re both working from home either.

4. New hires are missing our ID check appointments

I oversee the onboarding process for new hires at my company, and one of the steps is a video call where we check that the employee is the person on the ID documents they’ve given us. This is a legally required check where I live, and our compliance team requires it after an incident where the person we hired wasn’t the person we interviewed!

However, a lot of candidates show up late to these calls, or don’t show up at all. Often, they’re also slow to provide necessary documents to even start this process, and it’s not until I start sending emails telling them we’re going to delay their joining date that they seem to get that there’s urgency here.

This does tend to be candidates in very junior roles, or ones who haven’t changed job in years. Any suggestions on how to manage this bad behavior from otherwise good candidates? (These calls are before their first day, but after they’ve been given their offers and signed paperwork.)

The ID check used to happen in person on the morning of a new employee’s first day, so there was no chance of their missing it. Many companies have moved to doing it remotely ahead of time, but there’s no reason it has to be done like that. So one option: any chance you can simply do it the morning they start? (If they’re remote, you could keep it remote; we’re just talking about changing the timing.)

If that’s not practical, then your best bet is to make it really, really clear when setting up these calls what the consequence of missing it will be. As in: “It’s essential that you be on-time for this appointment or your start date may be delayed. If you need to reschedule, please let me know as soon as possible.” Since you’re also encountering people being slow in getting you the documents needed to start the process, be up-front about timelines there too: “Please submit XYZ no later than September 17 or your start date may be delayed.” You’ll still get people being flaky (in part because they’re not working for you yet and likely figure some of this can be handled once they start) but it should cut down on it.

5. My employer is trying to get out of paying me overtime

I am a teacher, and have never had to think about overtime pay because teachers are exempt. I now have a second job as the director of a small local history museum. I am the only employee. It is mostly a summer job, with some administrative tasks in the school year. The museum board pays me a salary of $30,000. I don’t think anyone on the board was aware of the minimum salary rule for exempt employees, which makes me a non-exempt salaried employee. I only learned about it from reading your column.

I let the board know that I will need to be paid overtime for hours I work beyond 40 in a week. I typically work at the museum 38 hours each week. Outside of business hours, I work on things at home, such as researching programs and recording videos, and do work outside of the building like shop for supplies, go to off-site storage, or attend committee meetings. Much of this I cannot do during business hours because I am the only employee.

One board member said because I am salaried, I have to expect to do things outside of business hours without being paid overtime.

Another board member said I should only count the hours I work at the museum.

A third board member said if I am choosing to do research and make videos at home, they shouldn’t have to pay me for it.

A fourth board member suggested that they could increase my salary to meet the exempt threshold if I do a fundraiser and earn that amount.

Now they are arguing about which of them is right and what they should do. I think they are all wrong and they just need to have me work fewer hours or pay me overtime. What do you think?

The law is very clear about how this works; it’s not open to interpretation. Because you do not meet the salary threshold for exemption, you are non-exempt and must be paid overtime (time and a half) for any hours over 40 that you work in a work week. That includes work that happens off-site, and it includes work that you “choose” to do on your own. There’s no “unless you really want to do it” exception. This is what the law requires.

It’s true that they could decide it’s a requirement of your job to fundraise the amount needed to pay you enough to be exempt. That’s the only thing they’re proposing that wouldn’t be illegal. (And even then, if you failed to raise the amount needed, they’d still need to pay you for any overtime you’d worked. They could fire you for not fundraising enough if they wanted to, but they’d still owe you the overtime pay.)

If they can’t afford to pay overtime or raise your salary so that you’re legally exempt from overtime, then they can’t afford an employee who works more than 40 hours a week.