fired employee says he’s coming to a work event, employee never saves things on our shared drive, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employee never remembers to save things on our shared drive, no matter how many reminders she gets

I’ve been having an issue with one of the people I manage, our document processor, Ashley. I like Ashley; she is bubbly and friendly, which is a breath of fresh air on an otherwise introverted team. But Ashley is a mediocre worker. She gets her tasks done well enough, but requires me to check in on her more frequently than anyone else on my team. I can’t just trust she will get every step every time, I have to check. That was all well and good, until a few months ago when we decided, per her suggestion, to start saving our documents in a shared drive. I loved this idea; using a shared drive is better document processing and acts as a central backup location for a team that’s very hybrid. I was excited that Ashley came up with this improvement because it shows she is taking ownership of her work.

Except she just forgets to do it. Days will go by and nothing will get added to that shared drive. I check in with her and it turns out the documents are in her download folder. She moves them where they are supposed to go when I ask about it, but she does the same thing a day later. It’s completely unnecessary since you can just download things directly into the shared drive. She doesn’t need to do the extra step of moving it, something I’ve shown her many times, and yet it keeps happening.

It’s driving me crazy and influencing how I feel about all of her work now. It’s such a small thing that I feel weird about putting her on a PIP or anything like that, but it’s such a small thing that I can not wrap my mind around why she won’t process documents the way I have asked her. I’ve talked to her about it a few times, and last month asked her to give me one week where I didn’t have to remind her to move things to the drive. She gave me four out of five days, and then the next week was back to forgetting every other day.

Am I being crazy about this? What advice do you have to get an employee to embrace a small but fundamental change in workflow?

I don’t think this is about the shared drive. I think the shared drive issue is just the most noticeable aggravation among the broader problem that you can’t trust her work and have to check every step she does. That would be a huge issue even if the shared drive had never come up. (And conversely, if she were otherwise excellent and reliable, I bet the shared drive situation wouldn’t irritate you nearly as much, although it would still be a problem.)

Take your aggravation as a sign that you need to address the broader pattern with Ashley: that you can’t trust her to follow your processes across the board and that her work requires an excessive amount of oversight. You can use the shared drive as one example, but you should provide others too. Have a serious conversation about the pattern, and treat the pattern as a serious performance issue (because it is).

2. Working during a weather day that everyone else gets off

I work in a small outpatient clinic, which is part of a very large healthcare system. In January, our clinic was closed down for a day due to severe weather. As soon as we got word from upper administration that we were going close, my manager texted my coworker and asked her to log in and work from home that day. At that time, my coworker was the only one of us who had access to be able to work from home. She worked very hard that day, as we had a lot of patient questions and concerns come in, due to being closed unexpectedly.

The next day we were back at work, and upper admin informed us we’d be paid for the weather day, rather than having to use PTO or go without pay, which we were all happy about. But here is the problem — my poor coworker worked a full day that day, alone, and yet she got paid the same as the rest of us (just her normal, hourly wage), while we sat in our PJ’s drinking coffee and watching movies all day. I feel like she is owed some type of compensation beyond her regular pay for that day. Our direct manager agreed, but unfortunately the decision is not up to her. She has tried to advocate for my coworker to upper management. This was to no avail, as here we are now in April and my coworker still has not been compensated and has heard nothing on this matter from anyone.

Am I being unreasonable here for being furious about this? In my eyes, she basically worked for free and was completely taken advantage of, since she got paid the same as the rest of us who did not work that day, through no choice or fault of her own. My coworker is a very sweet, mild mannered person and would never “ruffle feathers” or stand up for herself, so she has not aggressively followed up with anyone on this. Whereas if I were in her shoes, I would have probably resigned in anger back in January.

I understand it is ultimately my coworker’s decision whether to pursue this, and I should probably mind my own business. However, I now have the ability to work from home as well. If we have another day where we close unexpectedly and my boss asks me to log in, what should I do? Would it be unreasonable to refuse until I am told how I will be compensated as compared to others who do not work that day? Am I being too inflexible or rigid in my thoughts of how this should be handled?

Your coworker didn’t work for free. She was paid for that day. She did, however, miss out on the free day off that everyone else got. But the day off wasn’t a reward or a bonus; it was a logistical response to a last-minute weather emergency.

This is a thing that happens with some jobs, where people who are able to work from home on snow days are expected to, and those who can’t are given the day off. Does it suck for the people who are expected to work those days? Sure. Is it something to quit over? That would be a pretty unusual reaction. (It’s also worth pointing out that there can be benefits to being able to work from home when others can’t; if often means, for example, that you don’t need to use PTO to wait for the cable person when others do, and so forth.)

Now, might a thoughtful manager consider offering comp time or similar to the one person who got stuck working while everyone else got the day off? Sure. But it’s really common not to do that. You’re still allowed to be upset about it if you want, but temper it with the knowledge that this is a relatively widespread practice.

3. A disgruntled fired employee says he’s coming to a work event I’m planning,

I’m a middle manager in a small, quasi-governmental institution open to the public. About a month ago, my workplace fired an employee I did not supervise, Sam. There were many obvious issues with Sam, but the last incident I’m aware of was one in which he lost his temper with me on the floor.

The ensuing meeting with administration left me rattled, as he made several false statements and tweaked details to make me look bad, tried to paint me as “emotional,” mocked me, and seemed to be trying to manipulate me into getting angry. Overall, he demonstrated a level of entitlement and narcissism that I have never seen before. I don’t know all of the details, but he was fired the next day.

Since then, he has made multiple public statements about the firing on Facebook, including claims that he was bullied, and he’s showed up at my workplace twice, including once last week. Because we’re open to the public, I’m told we can’t ask him to leave unless he does something to violate our rules.

The problem is that, in a couple weeks, my workplace is holding a major public event, which I was tasked with planning. Now I’m told that a colleague, Jane, said that Sam told her he will show up to the event and do something to “stick it to management.” I’m particularly concerned because I’ve looked up warning signs for mass shooters, and he’s demonstrated a lot of them — just not, to my knowledge, threats of violence (although I’ve heard a rumor of a suicide threat directed at someone not at our organization).

Our administration is going to try to get more information from Jane before proceeding, but what should/can we do about the chance that Sam will attend this event? Is it reasonable to contact the police to ask them to be in attendance, even if Sam hasn’t made a specific threat? We don’t employ any security guards, and I am feeling extremely uncomfortable about the event.

You need to insist on having security there, with an explicit safety plan. That can be police if they’re willing or it can be hired security. Make it a condition of your attendance.

4. What’s up with lengthy reference questionnaires?

I work at a consultant firm, which means that I manage several teams of junior staff that do not report directly to me in a traditional way. A junior staff member who works on a few of my teams asked if I would act as a reference for her for a new position she is in the running for. I agreed and expected a phone call this week from the new company. This company sent me a form with seven open-ended questions on it. The questions are vague, like “tell me about the candidate’s working style” and “what are their strengths and weaknesses?” — questions that will require me to put a lot of thought in to writing, especially because I am not this person’s direct supervisor so I can’t speak to all of their work.

It really feels like these would be much easier for me to answer via a call. I asked the HR team if we could do this as a call instead but they have not responded to two of my emails. I want to help this staff member get a new job, but I am feeling really annoyed that the new company is asking me to put in so much work for them. This is my first time providing a reference for someone. Is this standard and are there benefits that make having a written form preferable? Or is this the case of one company that has a bad practice? Was I out of line emailing twice to see if we could do this as a call?

Some companies do references this way and it’s a terrible practice. First, as you point out, it’s a significantly larger burden on the reference; it requires a significant amount of time, versus a 10- or 15-minute phone call. Second, a lot of people won’t be as candid in writing as they will be on the phone. Third, it means that the reference-checker can’t hear things like tone of voice or spots where the reference hesitates and also can’t ask follow-up or clarifying questions.

It puts you in a bad spot because you don’t want to harm your employee’s chances, but you deserve to be able to protect your time. If she’s someone you’d enthusiastically recommend, one option is to respond, “Jane is an excellent candidate and I can strongly recommend her, but my schedule doesn’t give me the time on this form would take. I can, however, do a 10- or 15-minute phone call.” You can also explain the situation to Jane and ask her to contact the employer about it and ask if they can call you. Or you can give very brief but positive answers and add “happy to elaborate in a phone call.” But it’s a crap practice.

5. How do I decline a baby shower at work?

I’m an employee on a remote team that will be in person in a few weeks for a busy work event. I’ve recently shared with my manager and a few other key coworkers that I am pregnant, I will be 19 weeks when we are in person for this event. My manager, Stacey, told her manager, Lauren (I gave her permission because we’re managing some tricky staffing situations that we will need to resolve before I go on maternity leave) and now Lauren is planning a baby shower for me when we are together.

I know that this is coming from a good place, but I really don’t want this. First, I hate being the center of attention. Second, I am a middle-level employee and it makes me uncomfortable that she may ask lower-level employees to contribute to a gift. Third, my sister has a two-year-old and is giving me all of her things so I don’t need very much. But the real reason is that this pregnancy has come after two years of fertility treatments including pregnancy losses and I am incredibly anxious. I’m working with a therapist, but I’m sort of just hanging on and expect that it may be a little like this the whole way through my pregnancy. The thought of celebrating feels like tempting fate. Also, the 20-week anatomy scan will be the week after I return from this trip and so I expect my anxiety will be even more heightened.

Stacey has told Lauren that this isn’t something that I want, but Lauren is continuing to insist that there is a shower. How can I politely decline and stop this?

Go back to Stacey and say this: “I need you to make it absolutely clear to Lauren that there cannot be a shower for me. I don’t want to have to share private information just to put a stop to it, but I I want to point out that there a lot of reasons someone might not want a shower — including fears about the pregnancy and religious prohibitions. It’s not OK to overrule pregnant people on that. How do I ensure Lauren respects my wishes on this?” (Alternately or in addition to that, you could also message Lauren directly with a similar message.)

You might also alert HR that Lauren is planning this against your explicit wishes and tell them to intervene. That’s not a bad idea either way, since they clearly have some educating to do with Lauren re: the many reasons she needs to respect employees’ needs on baby showers.

weekend open thread – May 4-5, 2024

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: A Love Song for Ricki Wilde, by Tia Williams. A florist trying to break free from her socialite family finds a strange connection with a musician. It’s romance, but it’s also about chosen family, magic, and the Harlem Renaissance, and Tia Williams writes so beautifully.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

open thread – May 3-4, 2024

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

my employee sleeps in and misses work, can my coworkers read cursive, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. How do I talk to my employee about sleeping in and missing work?

I have a direct report who is not a morning person. We have a hybrid schedule (two full team in-office days, remainder WFH). Our day starts at 8 to accommodate half day Fridays, which she takes. She is always last to arrive to the office, typically around 9:15, blaming traffic despite living 10 minutes from our office . She isn’t communicative/visible on Slack until late morning on WFH days. Our team has a very flexible/be-an-adult vibe, which we all appreciate and factor into planning our days/lives — it’s truly great. The issue is, she will miss meetings or join late (often still wearing her nightguard/retainer), turn in incomplete or hurried work, and has been open about accidentally sleeping in on numerous occasions (when she was “caught”). She will be managing our intern this summer, who is working hourly and thus will need to be “in” during typical work hours. Is it possible to change somebody’s sleep habits?

You’re asking the wrong question! Instead, how clear have you been as her manager that she currently isn’t meeting the requirements of her job and about specifically what needs to change? How much she is or isn’t willing to try to change her sleep habits is something for her to manage; the way she shows up at work is yours. Focus on the latter.

Tell her, as bluntly and clearly as possible, that she needs to arrive on time on in-office days, cannot miss meetings or join late, must be communicative and responsive on Slack at the start of work hours, and cannot turn in incomplete or hurried work (and that last one is a really big deal). This needs to be a serious conversation, where it’s clear that these aren’t suggestions or hopes; they’re requirements. You’re doing her no favor if you downplay that; she needs to understand that this has the potential to jeopardize her job — which it should — so that she takes it seriously.

If she has a sleep issue that makes it impossible for her to meet those expectations, she should raise it and you can figure out what to do at that point, and whether there’s a way to structure her job and her schedule that she’s not turning in rushed or incomplete work. But right now, at this stage, your job is to be clear about what needs to change.

2. A business lunch at an ethically shady restaurant

I work for a large Fortune 500 that has multiple locations in five states. My line’s VP is coming in from out of state to do a visit. The visit itself is very low concern, just a basic “Hey! How are you? How’s life? Are you happy here?” etc. However, she’s taking about a dozen of us to lunch. And here is where I have an issue. Morally, I do not spend any money at this restaurant. I used to, until they supported a person convicted of child sexual assault (multiple victims). The perpetrator was employed by them before, during, and after the trial (he’s a cousin to the owner). They did term any employee under 18 and do not hire anyone under 18. Unfortunately, we do not have a lot of “nice” options open at lunch and this place is just down the road from the office. Would it be wrong of me to bring this up to the VP, essentially stating many of us do not support this restaurant? She’s not from our area and would have no idea about this situation.

Since you said many of your coworkers feel this way too, raise it! You have relevant info that she doesn’t have.

For example: “You have no way of knowing this, but some of us prefer not to eat at X because of their support for a cousin of the owner convicted of really awful crimes against children. Could we go to Y or Z instead?” It’s okay if Y and Z are further away. Or if they’re unrealistically far: “What we usually do if we want somewhere nice is ____ (whatever you usually do in that situation).”

3. Break room etiquette

My office has a little break room in the basement that is honestly pretty depressing. As a result, not many people tend to use it, which I think has skewed how some people use it.

Within the past month, I’ve never shared it with more than one coworker at a time and these coworkers all seem to act like they’re alone. One would loudly talk to their partner on the phone the whole time, then later broke up with them while I was there! Another had a significant other make a surprise visit and they made lovey eyes at each other with me stuck as an awkward third wheel. And currently another is watching videos loudly at the table next to me.

I just started sharing an office so I need to use the break room now and I dread it every day! Am I being overly critical of how they use the room? How do I learn to handle this?

Someone broke up with their partner while you sat there! Amazing.

I don’t think you’re wrong in thinking people should be more considerate of others who are using the space … but I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to take a call in the break room or sit with a visitor there, particularly if there aren’t other logical spaces to do those things. It’s actually more awkward because you’re the only other person there; it there were 20 people in there, those things would be less noticeable.

The person playing loud videos is more out of line. And technically you’d be on solid ground if you wanted to say something like, “Would you be willing to use headphones while you’re watching those? My head is killing me and I came here to try to get a break from noise.”

But it does seem like the culture in your office is for people to use that space for whatever kind of break they want, noise included. Any chance your office would be open to setting up a quiet room for people who want it? That sounds like it would get you more of what you want.

4. Can my younger coworkers read cursive?

Recently, I’ve signed a going-away card for a colleague and I’ve passed a handwritten note to a direct report during a training. I used cursive on both, because that’s what I default to, but now I’m wondering if I should stop using cursive as a default? I really like using it because it’s pretty, but obviously I really like people being able to read what I write, too. The colleague’s a peer, age-wise, but my direct report is a recent college grad. Should I only use it with people my own age? Is there a cut-off where people are going to be more unlikely to be able to read it? I’ve been complimented on my handwriting a lot, so it’s legible if you can read cursive, but I realize that’s a dying skill.

I honestly have no idea. I think cursive is pretty readable even if you can’t write it yourself, as long as it’s neatly written (and messy cursive was never all that readable to anyone anyway). But I’m incredibly old. Let’s toss this out to readers who still have more of the bloom of youth upon them and see what they say. (Also, the idea that we all used to learn basically a second font to write in is pretty fascinating.)

can I tell interviewers I’m looking for a new job because of money?

A reader writes:

I have a job, and I think a lot about trying to find a new job.

When I was previously looking for a job, the question “why are you looking to leave your current job?” came up a lot. Trying to answer that question is quite fraught. It’s challenging to say what’s wrong with the current job without sounding like a complainer. Trying to sound always professional and upbeat and very respectful of the people I work with leads to a lot of tricky dancing around actual issues inspiring me to job-hunt.

One thing that I think I should be able to say this time, truthfully and without dishing on anybody or any project, is: “I could be earning more money.” I have skills in a field in which salaries are typically 50% more than what I’m earning currently. My boss tells me that the organization balks at the idea of paying anyone in my group more. After my glowing performance review last spring, I got a 1% raise — not even cost of living. I’m behind on my career progression because of having spent a lot of time being just “Mom,” but I’ve just completed a relevant master’s degree (my second master’s) to try to jump-start things. It’s not all about the money — if I loved my job, this would not make me leave; I am able to live on what I earn — but more money would make it easy to justify making a move.

But a friend of mine (who has a great job, managerial-ish, at a prestigious company, so she should know what she’s talking about) says, “Don’t say that.” Rather than bluntly saying “I could be earning more money,” she suggested alluding to this issue in some much more vague, mealy-mouthed, roundabout way when I get the “why are you looking?” question. Like, “Oh, I just want to see what opportunities are out there for me.”

Is this true? Why? I don’t think my current lower salary should reflect badly on me; my current job is the kind of research-focused lab work typical of STEM-field graduate students. Is it tacky to mention the money dimension of the employer-employee relationship? Are you supposed to pretend that money isn’t a consideration, that you’re just so fascinated by the work that you don’t care? (I don’t think the people hiring actually believe that, anyway. One time I tried to apply to a job that paid less than what I was earning because the work seemed really compelling, and I couldn’t convince the recruiter that I was worth interviewing further — it seemed she couldn’t believe I wouldn’t decide against the move, because of the money?) Are they going to think that, if I think about the money at all, I’m perpetually dissatisfied and will forever be jumping towards higher salary?

I think that answering “I could be earning more money” conveys that I am a serious candidate, worth interviewing because they will think I am likely to take the job if they are offering more money. Also, like many female-presenting people, I should perhaps practice expecting recognition and respect. It does weed out employers who might be thinking that they would offer me only as much as I’m earning now. If there’s a potential job that has compelling other advantages (“save the world doing fascinating work in your own private office!”) then I would name those other advantages and not say anything about money. But until I see that dream-job listing … I’m allowed to want to move up to higher salary, yes?

Yes. You are allowed to want a new job for a higher salary.

That’s always the case, but especially when you’re earning half of what your field normally pays.

It’s true that there used to be a bias against talking about money in job interviews or indicating that money is in fact the primary reason most of us work. (Witness this ridiculous post from 2013.) That was always absurd, but it’s changed significantly in the last 10 years, and particularly in the last five.

“I could be earning more money” isn’t exactly the way I’d say it, though. An interviewer who wanted to really parse that might figure that you could always be earning more money no matter what job you’re in and might wonder if that means you’ll jump ship quickly if they hire you. But you could say it more like this:

“I love my work, but we’re severely underpaid for the field.”

“I like a lot of things about my job, but our salaries haven’t kept up with the market, so I’m looking at what else is out there.”

Those are fine. Those are normal and reasonable to say.

However, as a side note: I wonder if you feel a higher-than-warranted obligation to offer the complete story when an interviewer asks why you’re thinking of changing jobs. Your friend’s suggestion of “I wanted to see what other opportunities are out there” is always okay (as long as you’re not leaving after, like, six months — in which case it would raise red flags about what else might be going on). And you really don’t need to find a way to say what’s bothering you in your current job if it’s tricky to talk about; you can use a blander answer.

But in this case your answer is salary, and it’s fine to say that it’s salary.

a real-life conversation about salary with a hiring manager

A reader writes:

A short, sweet note about how I used your advice to tackle salary talk during an initial phone chat with the hiring manager:

Hiring manager: While we’re talking about cost of living, can I ask your salary expectation for the role?

Me: (casual laugh) Actually, I was just about to ask you what your budget for the role is.

Hiring manager: (laugh) Oh! Hum…. I think I can pull that up. Give me a second…
(She tappity-tapped on the line. I waited, and bit my lip so I didn’t nervous-babble anything about steep rental prices in the area, and waited.)

Hiring manager: So the number I have here is X.

Me: (long pause) Oh…kay. That’s a little lower than I would have expected. Is that the bottom of the range, or…?

Hiring manager: No, that’s the top of the range.

Me: (pause again) Mm.

Hiring manager: We’re actively reviewing it at the end of this cycle. In my view it’s a bit low, I agree with you there. So either we need a pay band increase or a title change.

Me: Yeah … for this role I would have ballparked more like X+10%.

Hiring manager: Okay! I don’t know that we’ll get all the way there in this cycle, but I am pushing to nudge it closer to your number. I think that’s what the role is worth anyway.

Me: That’s great.

Hiring manager: We can definitely keep it in mind as we proceed. Moving on…

Oh, and the lower number she gave? Is still 50% higher than my last salaried role. Don’t settle for being underpaid and taken advantage of, kids.

let’s discuss egregious safety violations at work

You’d think safety would be top of mind for employers, but some are willing to tolerate egregious safety issues in order to keep people working. Some examples that have been shared by readers in the past:

  “At a call center job, there was a tornado that touched down just a few miles away and they refused to let people off the phones to seek shelter. Another time someone pulled the fire alarm and no one moved. They just kept on taking calls because they would get in trouble or face getting fired if they did not take phone calls. A third time people were getting sick. There was an odd smell throughout the center. People were allowed to leave but they did get docked a half point. Someone called the fire department because it could have been a gas leak. Instead of evacuating, they kept everyone working and the fire department walked around with some sort of meter thing. We never found out what it was.”

•  “I worked on the top floor of a seven-story building and looked out one day to see fire engines everywhere. I asked the office manager if he knew what was going on. Apparently, there was a bomb threat but our office did not want to evacuate!”

•  “I once couldn’t get an employee to take shelter on his own during an active shooter situation. He just wanted to stay at his desk and play on his computer. (!!!) I had to get help from a male coworker to physically drag him into shelter.”

What egregious safety violations have you seen in your own workplaces? Let’s discuss in the comments.

kitten talk led to an HR lecture, are sleeveless blouses OK for work, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. A conversation about kittens led to a lecture from HR

Yesterday I was called into a meeting with HR where I was reprimanded for an inappropriate sexual comment that I made. I did make the comment, it was absolutely inappropriate, and I am mortified! I apologised to Joan, the coworker who raised it with HR, and I will make sure nothing like that ever comes out of my mouth again.

There was some context for the comment that Joan didn’t share with HR, and neither did I because I was too ashamed to say much. Another coworker, Beth, saw the whole interaction and thinks I should provide the context to HR now, and she has offered to verify what happened. I don’t think I should because it doesn’t unmake the comment, I don’t want to come across as blaming Joan, and I got the impression that HR considers the matter closed.

Here’s the context: it is well-known in the office that my partner and I foster kittens until they’re old enough to be spayed/neutered and adopted. Coworkers sometimes ask about the cats as break room small talk. Yesterday, Beth and I were sitting at the table having lunch and chatting, when Joan walked in to make coffee.

Beth: How many kittens do you have at the moment?
Me: Four little bottle-fed ones
Beth: Oh, so tiny! What have you named them?
Joan: I hate cats.
Me: Oh … we can talk about something else?
Joan: Cats are a menace and kittens should be drowned, not bottle fed.
Beth and me: …
Joan: Cats are disgusting, they walk over every surface to make sure everything is covered in their urine and feces germs. If you live with a cat, you’re basically walking around covered in urine and feces.
Beth and me: …
Joan: And they come and rub their face all over you after they’ve spent the whole day licking their own anuses.
Me: I mean, humans lick other people’s anuses, at least cats mostly lick their own.

Joan walked out of the kitchen and the next thing I know, HR is telling me I can’t make jokes about anal sex in the break room. What Joan said wasn’t okay either, but I wish I’d just continued to sit there in stunned silence. I think I should just mentally file her comments away under Joan being rude, as they’re not HR-worthy. But do you think I should give this context to HR so maybe they don’t think I brought it up out of nowhere? Or just let it go, learn from it, and try to move on?

Well … if we had a time machine, I’d want you to explain it in the initial conversation with HR — not as “so therefore my comment was OK,” but to explain that you didn’t just pop out with a analingus comment out of nowhere (in fact, Joan introduced the concept) and that Joan herself had opened with an alarming non sequitur advocating animal abuse, and if we’re reminding people of what is and isn’t okay to say in an office, perhaps there’s one more topic here that should be addressed.

But now, after the fact … well, I don’t think you have to go back and correct the record. They’ve probably moved on and don’t think it’s a huge deal. But it would also be fine if you wanted to go back and say, “I was too mortified in the moment to share this, but I did want to give you further context so you understand that I didn’t just make a sexual reference out of the blue, which I would not do.”

2. How to politely not compliment weight loss

I saw your answer to “Coworkers want to ask about my weight loss” and wondered from the other side — is it impolite of me to not mention a coworker’s weight change?

I am uncomfortable discussing weight and body size with most people (not just a work thing!) and would rather skip the topic if I notice weight change. But if everyone else is complimentary about it, does it look impolite for me to not mention it?

No, it’s not impolite not to mention someone’s weight loss. There are people who are excited about losing weight and hope people will notice it — but there are also a lot of people who don’t want to talk about it, especially at work, and/or who aren’t happy about the weight change (particularly if it’s from illness or other not-pleasant circumstances), and their right not to feel their bodies are being assessed at work trumps the first group’s pleasure in hearing compliments. Sometimes you might know that a particular person falls in the first group (because you’re close enough to them to know, or they’ve clearly indicated it) and that would change the calculation — although even then, if you prefer not to talk about other people’s bodies, it’s not impolite to opt out!

In general, when in doubt, err on the side of not making people feel like their bodies are being scrutinized at work.

3. Are sleeveless blouses “tank tops”?

Our company recently sent an email “reiterating” our dress code (business casual), scare quotes on account of they slipped in some language that definitely was not there before: specifically, a ban on tank tops. In the “allowed” column, for shirts, it only mentions “short and long sleeved shirts/blouses.” I’m wondering if, as communicated, you would consider sleeveless blouses to be in compliance, or if I would be better off steering clear of anything that shows my shoulders.

I’ve attached an example of what I mean by sleeveless blouse. I have enough shirts like this in my rotation that I honestly am wondering if I’m what triggered this email, though in my opinion this cut is perfectly professional!?

Nah, those are sleeveless blouses. Tank tops have straps.

If you want to be sure, you can always ask them to clarify that; send a photo like the one you sent me. But sleeveless blouses are a common businesswear item, and they’re typically considered much more professional than tank tops, which read more casual. (Whether or not this makes sense is a different question, but lots of fashion rules have evolved in ways that don’t make sense. See also: skirts vs. shorts.)

4. Does my employer need to raise my salary if I’m not using their health insurance?

I work for a super small nonprofit that only started offering health insurance as a benefit a few years ago, where my employer covers half my health insurance as a benefit and the other half is taken out of my salary pre-tax. My husband is getting a new job with great benefits that will allow me to also be covered for way less than I’m currently paying, so we plan to switch as soon as he’s eligible.

My husband believes that, once we switch, my employer should automatically increase my salary to include the half of the health insurance they were paying, since that won’t be an expense for them anymore. While I think that would be nice, I don’t believe they have any legal obligation to do so, and am worried I would risk some political capital there if I brought it up. Are they under a legal obligation to increase my salary the amount they were paying for my health insurance?

No, they have no legal obligation to do that. Some employers have a policy of offering it anyway, but a lot don’t. You can ask though!

5. Handling multiple company name changes on a resume

I’ve been working at the same company since getting my degree six years ago, and I’m thinking it’s time to move on. However, the company has undergone two name changes since I was hired, and I’m not sure how to handle that on my resume. For example, when I was hired, the company was called Llama Shearing Systems. Then a few years ago we were bought by a larger company, Big Wool, and became Big Wool Llama Division. Now our parent company is rebranding and changing its name to Wool International, making where I’m working Wool International Llamas.

Do I list each name individually with the dates I worked during those particular name changes? Or do I write something like “Wool International Llamas (formerly Big Wool Llama Division, formerly Llama Shearing Systems)”?

Also, since this was my first job out of college, all of my references will likely be managers from various times during my employment at this company. Do I need to specify what name my company had at the time my reference was managing me?

You don’t need to list each name individually with the dates you worked under that name. Just use one name heading for the company and make it this:

Wool International Llamas (formerly Big Wool Llama Division and Llama Shearing Systems)

You also don’t need to specify which name the company had at the time your references were managing you, although you can. If a manager only managed you under Big Wool Llama Division, then list their affiliation as Big Wool Llama Division. But if they managed you through numerous name changes, just list the most recent name.

when I work from home, do I have to be AT home?

A reader writes:

I recently (about six months ago) started a new job, which is hybrid. I work in-office Wed/Thursday/Friday, and work from home Monday/Tuesday. This hybrid schedule is a change for me, as I previously had more hands-on jobs in the same industry which could not be done remotely. The whole company shares this three-in, two-out schedule, with staggered days in.

Recently, the head of our HR department, Lucinda, sent an email to the entire company “reminding us” that our work from home days have to occur at our home and not at any other location. It also detailed some very reasonable requirements for our remote days — we should be reachable during normal office hours, online on Teams, attending meetings in professional attire, etc.

I have no issue with the second half of this email, but the “reminder” that we have to be physically located inside our homes on work from home days was news to me. I often spend Saturday-Tuesday visiting friends or family, and the freedom to do so is one of the reasons I changed jobs at all. I have also been transparent about these visits with my team, since I didn’t know that it wasn’t allowed (greetings like “Hello from Texas!” or sending photos of my brother’s dog in the pet pictures channel), and have gotten no comments about it. On days when I have no meetings, I sometimes work from cafés or libraries.

To be clear, my location in no way affects my work performance. I log on at 9 (in the office’s time zone), take my normal lunch break, and have never missed a call. I always respond to Teams messages within 15 minutes (which is faster than the norm in my workplace). I take video calls in a quiet room, sitting at a desk. I’m not slacking off during the day to hang out with my friends — but it’s nice to have two more evenings with whoever I’m seeing and not have super rushed weekend visits.

Is only working from my actual home a normal thing for an employer to mandate? In my view, it shouldn’t matter whether I’m in my room or at my cousin’s house a state over or my friend’s apartment on the other side of the country, so long as I am able to complete my work in a professional manner. But I’ve never been in a hybrid workplace before, so I don’t know whether this is actually a norm that I’ve been unintentionally violating!

And regardless, what’s the best way for me to proceed? I really don’t want to give up my travel — like I said, it’s one of the reasons I wanted this job in the first place. Should I apologize to someone (my supervisor, Lucinda, someone else?) for having been out of town on previous work from home days and explain that I didn’t know the policy? I have spoken to some coworkers on a different team who feel similarly — should we together tell Lucinda we don’t think the policy makes sense? Should I just continue my visits, but keep quiet about it?

A lot of employers do mandate that work from home take place in your actual home.

Some of that is for security reasons; your home work space can meet certain security standards that they can’t enforce if you’re working in a coffee shop or from a friend’s house.

Some of it is for tax compliance reasons. In many states, if you work over X days a year in the state, you and your employer both owe that state taxes, and you could even end up creating business nexus in that state for your employer (which would mean they owe them sales tax for sales made in that state, among other complications). That number of days can be a lot lower than you’d think — in some states, it’s as little as one day.

Those are both really legitimate reasons for your employer to have their policy.

As for what to do … I don’t think you need to apologize (and if your manager cared that much, it was on her to say something anyway), but now that you’re aware of the policy, you do need to follow it. Or, at a minimum, you should definitely stop saying things that indicate that you’re not following it (like “hello from Texas”). That’s still taking a risk though, since if your employer ever wanted to check where you’re logging in from, they could. And if something ever happens while you were traveling that you couldn’t hide (you get stuck in state X because of weather or hospitalized during a medical emergency in state Y or whatever it might be), it could come out that way. And now that you’ve been clearly notified about the policy, you wouldn’t be able to plead ignorance. Some people might decide to take that risk anyway, figuring that the chances of being found out were low and that if they were caught, they’d just get a slap on the wrist and be told to stop doing it … but it’s a definite risk, and it might be a bigger one than you’re accounting for.

updates: the convention center music, the knee-to-the-groin rumor, and more

Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Convention center will not turn down the music (#3 at the link)

I’m the guy who wrote about how, ever since the convention center my organization meets at was purchased by a chain, they blast loud music throughout the venue 24/7.

First of all, I was tickled by how many people were amused when I mentioned in the comments that we were a group of librarians. Secondly, we had our yearly meeting this spring at the same location. The music was turned way down and limited to the bars/common areas. I didn’t even notice it most of the time. However, on the last day when we were wrapping up, I noticed that the volume had cranked up again. Perhaps enough people groused last year that they turned it down just for us. That, or the management was terrified of being shushed by nearly a thousand stern librarians.

Another interesting thing: Due to the gender balance in librarianship, the convention center temporarily turns the main floor men’s bathroom into a women’s room, and us ‘guybrarians’ have to use another floor. I was wondering if any other career has such a gender imbalance that the restrooms reflect that.

2. My coworker said his boss kneed him in the groin

I don’t know how to start this update, to be honest, but I’ll give it my best go, regarding the knee-in-groin situation between Fergus, Jane, and Marshall.

My partner did go to HR, though it took some time to actually get ahold of anyone. That ended up being a very surprising conversation, because here’s the twist: HR had already investigated the situation when it happened… Last year! The whole shebang took place before my partner was ever hired! So Fergus may or may not have been lying about the incident (that’s still up for debate, although Jane and Marshall’s continued employment is a pretty big tell in my opinion), but he sure was playing fast and loose with the timeline.

As of right now, Fergus is on leave again, for the next two weeks. The scuttlebutt is that Jane is planning to revoke his access to the property completely, deactivating his passcodes, taking him off the schedule, and telling other security to let her know immediately if he’s seen there. My partner and I aren’t exactly sure if he’s outright fired or not, but it does sound like he’ll be enjoying his leave for longer than he expected.

3. Applying to a company where I previously withdrew from a hiring process (#5 at the link)

First of all, the comments were lovably unhinged that day (Diet Coke-Gate and feet pics trump my mild question). I really appreciated your advice!

It was mostly a non-issue. I addressed it in a matter-of-fact manner and we moved on. Short update is that I got the job!

Long answer: it turns out that I wasn’t the best fit for this exact role but the hiring manager slotted me in to interview for a position that hadn’t even been posted. I did a couple of rounds with them and got hugely positive feedback. They fast-tracked me through!

Coming from a slow, very bureaucratic industry (you can probably guess), this felt special! Downside, of course, is that they were fast tracking for a reason and it meant my fantasy life of a full week off between jobs won’t happen.

The negotiation phase was stressful — they came in lower than I would’ve liked — but worth it. Phew! Looking forward to the future.

I read the site daily and am so tickled you featured me!