weekend free-for-all – March 17-18, 2018

by Alison Green on March 17, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Newlyweds, by Nell Freudenberger. A Bangladeshi woman comes to the U.S. to marry an American man, and ends up caught between two cultures.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Totally Minnie*

    We’ve had so many hairstyle threads this week already, I’m feeling kind of hesitant to start a new one, but I really need suggestions. I have really fine hair. Like, small child level. It slides right out of bobby pins and barrettes, and don’t even get me started on the time I tried spin pins.

    Any other fine-haired posters around? What do you do? I’m tired of ponytails.

    1. Amey*

      I do! I had my hair put up professionally when I was a bridesmaid a few years ago and the hairdresser used basically a whole can of hairspray to keep it up. Curls just fall right out as well as bobby pins.

      To be honest, these days I tend to have it cut so that it looks as good as possible without putting it up. At the moment, I have it about shoulder length with quite a bit of layering and I use volumising shampoo. I used to just twist it up with a big clip but I had to keep redoing it during the day.

      I’ll follow with interest!

    2. Cristina in England*

      I use small clips, like they’re about one inch across. I have long hair so a lot of the time I pull the hair right at my forehead back and secure it with a clip. Or I might pull some hair back on either side and clip it back. Both of those are mostly down, half-up at most but more like a quarter up.

      You can google braids for fine hair and get some different ideas for special occasions. I particularly like the braids that go across the top of the head like a headband (in one direction, not a Heidi look).

    3. Caro in the UK*

      I use dry shampoo (even when my hair is clean). Not a lot, but just a spritz to give my hair a bit more grip before i put it up. It really helps clips and braids stay in my super fine hair!

      1. dawbs*

        and tinted dry shampoo helps with the ‘hm, at certain angles, you look slightly balding’ that is part of super thin hair (or maybe it’s just me)

    4. Emilie*

      I had my hair cut to a shoulder lenght bob. All it takes is a bit of hair mousse for the roots while it’s damp, and then it stays in place all day without getting flat. It’s so easy and looks nice and professional without me having to deal with bobbypins and hairspray throughout the day!
      And I can still put it in a ponytail or up in a clip if I want to/have to :)

    5. American in Ireland*

      I was having issues trying to braid, or even keep my hair in a ponytail. I got those teeny rubber bands that are designed for 5 years olds, and those didn’t even stay. I gave up and chopped my hair short. But I couldn’t figure out why I could wear braids and buns when I was in ballet as a girl, or how I managed to do it on holiday a few years ago. My fine-haired sister reminded me–it has to be done when hair is wet! aha, I must have been straight out of the pool when I performed my last successful braid.

    6. OperaArt*

      Chin length bob cut by a hairstylist who knows how to handle fine hair.

      I occasionally work as an extra in films and TV. Once I was one of about 200 playing wedding attendees. A hairstylist basically followed me around for four days with a can of industrial strength hairspray, trying to keep my baby fine hair to stay put in its fancy hairstyle. I decided that if a professional hairstylist couldn’t keep my hair in place, what chance did I have?

      1. Lauren*

        Fine hair here too. I too wear a chin length bob. Embrace the fine and get a cut that accentuates it. Bobs are good for that.

        1. NJ Anon*

          Going for this myself. Used to wear it super short but got tired of it. Ive been growing out the layers and tomorrow going for the cut.

      2. Overeducated*

        Yup…sounds familiar!! I had the chin length bob through my 20s, and then I switched to pixie cut a couple years ago, and it actually looks like my hair has body now. It also can’t get messed up because slightly messed up is how it’s supposed to look. Sometimes I want to grow it back out to a bob, but even that requires more fussing (drying, straightening, dealing with helmet hair after biking to work).

        1. Triplestep*

          Pixie hair cuts really do solve a multitude of problems. I have wiry hair, and they work for that, too.

          1. Going anonymous*

            I wish I could do a super short cut, because it always worked for me when I was younger, but I had surgery a few years ago that left me with a fairly large bald spot. Pixie cuts or even bobs just don’t fall the same way anymore. So I’m trying to figure out good styles for shoulder length.

            1. Betsy*

              I need tips for shoulder-length styles too. I also absolutely loved having short hair when I was younger, but as I hit my mid-thirties there’s a sort of harsher quality to my face that means I’m not so sure short hair suits me as much. However, my hair is dreadful as it grows out. At shorter lengths, it’s wavy and full-bodied, as soon as it hits my shoulders it’s flat and limp. :(

            2. Amelia*

              I do tiny half ponytails flipped under and it looks great. I wore it that way to a wedding and people mentioned liking it! Take less hair than you would do for half up but from the same region, pull it back like your going to do half up, put a pony tail holder on same as half up but do it a little loose. Then in the back part your “up” hair in half above the pony tail holder, grab the bottom of both sides and flip it through the part. You’re going to have to wiggle it some, thick hair people this won’t work for you as thick just tends to knot at this step. Then just tighten it up some. It’s super simple, half up, pull the tail back through once. But it looks like you put effort in and beats just being down or in a ordinary ponytail.

              1. Amy Farrah Fowler*

                They make a tool for this… I believe it’s called a “topsy tail” (click my name for a link in Amazon). I love this look, but just got my hair cut short, so I’ll probably have to let it grow a bit more before I do that again :-)

          2. Bigglesworth*

            I’m another advocate of pixie cuts. I have thick fine hair (so a lot of hair that still doesn’t keep curls and whatnot). However, when a I went pixie, I’ve received nothing but compliments. That said, it doesn’t work for everyone.

        2. AcademiaNut*

          That worked for me. I need hair to stay out of my face, which means long enough to tie back, or very short. I wear it very short, and I can wash it in the morning or evening, and style the dry hair with a bit of styling putty, which gives it body.

    7. LissyLou*

      Lord, yes! I have insanely fine/thin hair, too. I use Batiste dry shampoo for dark hair (even when it’s clean), and Herbal Essences Body Envy Volumizing mousse and hair spray. It works great-not expensive and so effective! I have the haircut in the link(mine isn’t nearly that thick), and that’s also how I style it.
      https://youtu.be/NooK_OgniSE

      If I need to hold hair out of my face, I use Scunci Snap Hair Clips :)

    8. CatCat*

      I’m echoing the chin length bob and, if your hair is also not thick, also suggest that it be shorter in the back and longer in the front. I’ve had it like that for years. I recently have been growing it to shoulder length, but I’m not feeling kind of meh on how it’s working (my stylist who also has fine hair warned me that our hair is not kind when it’s in the process of growing out and I’m finding this true).

      My hair stylist used a wand (kind of like a curling iron) and hairspray to give me some fun sort of beachy waves. I might get one since it looks like an easy way to change things up.

      I like Bumble and Bumble surf spray for volume or Cibu root booster. I find both don’t weigh my hair down.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      I’ve had some luck with the stretchy hair combs–search that term on Amazon–which are two combs 2-3″ wide with a web of stretchy bands between them. I twist my superfine hair into a knot, drive a comb under one side, stretch over the top, and push a comb under the other side. It stays put pretty well, and looks more done that a pony tail.

      Nthing finding a cut that looks good if your hair just falls down, which is what it’s going to do anyhow.

        1. Wendles*

          I think these are the things I buy under the name African Hair Butterflies, and they’re ace. You can get different sizes, materials and weights of comb to cope with lots of hair types, and loads of decorative styles from formal to fun.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Fine hair here. It barely made it through my wedding service. The minute the service part was over down it came. And this is with pins, clips, spray, gel, etc.

      I have a short cut, just touches my shoulders, layering all around, but it is longer layers. I have to have bangs in the front because of how my forehead/face are shaped.

      I kind of fell into the style. I looked for years for something that I liked. Finally I found a woman who did a really cool job on her own hair and I decided to just let her help me do something with mine. It stays in place all day. I can wash it and let it air dry on the way to work. I am not a big hair/make-up person and simple is super important to me. I get some compliments so that is a bonus.

    11. Coalea*

      Right there with you – left to its own devices, I have baby fine, stick straight, limp, flat, uncooperative hair. To deal with it, I use thickening spray when wet, texturizing spray and/or paste when dry. My styling skills are basically nonexistent, so I keep it short and low maintenance – pixie cut.

        1. Coalea*

          I’m always on the hunt for the best one – haven’t found it yet! Right now I’m using Bumble & Bumble Thickening Spray. I also like their Surf Foam Spray.

    12. Too Early to Think of a Name*

      Ficcare Maximas clips have awesome hold and are pretty versatile. They’re pricy, but they never break and have great resale value if you find out they don’t work for you.

    13. Excitable Sim*

      How often do you wash your hair? I wash mine every 4-5 days and by the end I can get almost any hairstyle to hold. Curling your hair will also help it hold a style.

      You can also look into texture sprays/powders (I like sea salt sprays) and forget about those expensive hairsprays that claim to have great hold and keep your hair soft – a 5$ can of tresemme will keep everything in place and turn your head into a helmet.

      1. Ali G*

        This was going to be my suggestion. Invest in some good quality dry shampoos and texturing sprays. Then only wash your hair as much as you need (and if you can skip the conditioner).

        1. Reba*

          Echoing the suggestion texture-adding products. Dry shampoo, spray wax maybe? If you blow dry, there are lots of products that are intended to add volume with heat styling that are pretty effective.

          For smoothing out flyaways I really like B&B brillantine, very sparingly done.

          I have fine hair, but rather a lot of it at the moment, and I do have the advantage of some natural wave. My default hairstyle is a french-twist-ish thing with two square plastic clips. It’s a bit casual but it works.

          1. MRK*

            Echoing that dry shampoo is my secret weapon for my fine, pin straight hair. Helps add texture on clean hair days and perks up everything (my bangs in particular) other days. I really like Batiste brand as well. I also only wash around twice a week/as needed. My hair is long/processed so I condition only from about the ears down. Not at the roots.

            Also those silly donut shape bun forms help for bun updos. I’m going to buy some child size bun forms for smaller buns. Without one I have a sad tiny tiny bun. They seemed silly but I like it so far.

    14. AnonEMoose*

      Fine, straight, limp hair here, too. I’ve done the chin length bob, which works, and currently I have a slightly asymmetrical cut that I love. I can wash and wear if I want, or I can add a bit of volume with a round brush and the blow dryer, plus hair spray (I use the Suave that comes in the pump bottle, it works fine). I also use the Aveda Rosemary and Mint shampoo and conditioner. It keeps my hair clean and soft and doesn’t weigh it down.

    15. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I also have hyper fine hair, but I do have like, a lot a lot of it, so that might be helping. I use bobby pins a lot, but I make sure the straight side is up and the bumpy side is the side facing my scalp. And then I cross them, so two pins form an X. This is the only way I have found to get them to stick, but it works. I have my hair long at the moment, so mostly I side part it, and then twist the front section and pin it back. I also love French braids.

      In general, I hate product, so I mostly try to hook hair pins to other things in my hair so they can’t slide out – other pins, ponytail holders, whatever! When all the exits are blocked they can’t escape ;)

      1. Connie-Lynne*

        Yes, I go with not washing hair and the bobby pin X as well.

        Also, a Bobby pin knot:
        * catch hair in pin
        * flip pin 180 degrees so it’s pointed the opposite direction from where you caught hair
        * clip in

    16. Cotton Headed Ninny Muggins*

      Team super fine ponytail here too. When it gets really long, it goes up into a glamourous messy bun. I only wash it every third day, and dry shampoo the other days, and that helps give it some stick to do a French braid every now and then. I feel your pain though.

    17. Kimberlee, no longer Esq.*

      Honestly, I just have an asymmetrical haircut that doesn’t require any daily styling at all, and I love it. I just brush it all to one side and as it air dries it sort of gives itself some volume from drying in that position, and it works out really well. I really like my hair, and all I do is get it cut every 3-6 months and sometimes dye it. And washing it daily cause it gets oily so fast :(

    18. Quickbeam*

      I just grew it very long. Because nothing else worked. If I am going to something formal, I pay someone else to wrestle it into an updo.

    19. sophieChotek*

      I put my hair up in a bun. I braid it first in a single braid then I put it up in a bun that I secure with hair pins. Usually works fine and stays secure for hours. If I want to make sure the ends don’t escape or add some color I add one of those scrunchie things.

    20. Overeducated*

      I just want to say I appreciate this thread and hearing from other people with similar fine hair challenges because it’s the opposite in my real life! All of my friends who talk about hair issues have ones like “my hair is so thick and long, it takes forever to blow dry, so I just have to let it air dry” or “my hair is so curly and full of body, I couldn’t possibly style it or cut it short” or “I can’t wash my hair daily, it would dry out.” Basically problems I wish I had!

      1. GM*

        I hear you on this! Very much the same issue for me. And don’t get me started on all those with the ‘Oh your hairs looking so thin! WHy don’t you do something?’
        I support the dry shampoo solution. Works for me and my mom who has the same problem!

    22. Catherine from Canada*

      I have no advice – I went with a pixie cut – but I can’t tell you how encouraging it is to find so many other people with stubbornly straight, finickly fine hair!

  2. Jess R.*

    I want to like fruit, but I don’t.

    I like bananas a lot. Apples are sometimes okay. Pretty much no other fruit appeals to me at all. I think it’s mostly a texture thing — fruit is either squishy or it pops like Gushers, both of which I find deeply unpleasant. I do like fruit juice, though, and fruit smoothies.

    Are juice and smoothies my only options? I am sure I could use more fruit in my diet, but I haven’t found a way that doesn’t make me recoil in disgust and horror. Any ideas?

    1. Emilie*

      Have you tried apple crisps/chips? They’re pretty easy to make and are sold in some supermarkets (the homemade ones are the healthiest option in my experience). Bananas crisp up pretty nicely too!
      Besides this, noone says that you have to eat fruit. You can substitute with vegetables (they contain less sugar, so they’re a great substitute!) if you want to. Carrot sticks with hummus makes for a great snack. Kale chips are awesome. And roasted chickpeas are such a nice snack if you’re more into crispy than squishy!
      Salads with less-squishy vegetables like avocado, carrots, beetroots and broccoli count towards your daily fruit and veggies intake as well.

      It’s totally okay to not like fruit. There are plenty of nice substitutes!

      1. Koala dreams*

        Yes, I was going to suggest vegetables! I like baby carrots and ordinary carrot that I cut to pieces. Cucumber and tomato are maybe too fruity, but otherwise they are great alternatives to fruit since they are less sweet. Cauliflower is great in addition to broccoli.
        If you think beans or peas sounds good, do try different kinds. They can vary a lot in texture depending on if you eat them fresh, cooked, dried or whatever.

    2. Matilda the Hun*

      No ideas, really, just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone- I can only handle bananas, grapes, the rare apple, and yearly honeydew slice.

      If canned fruits aren’t your thing (they’re more dense, less textured, to me), then juices and smoothies are our only other option besides vitamin supplements. It is what it is, and at least we’ve tried.

    3. Lauren R*

      Is there any particular reason you’re hoping to eat more fruit? If you don’t care for it, I would imagine the nutrients from a smoothie or juice would be fine. As long as you otherwise have a balanced diet, I don’t really think you need to push it unless you’re just trying to explore new things. Like Emilie said, eating more vegetables could be a good alternative; they tend to be less “squishy”.

      But if you’re just determined to get into fruit, watermelon can be pretty crisp and doesn’t have any “pop” to it really. Also there are many variations of apples so maybe you could try a bunch of different kinds to see if any stand out as having the texture and flavor you want. Pears are somewhat similar in texture to apples as well. I also really like pomegranate but that may have that “pop” sensation you’re describing (I’m assuming you mean like when you bite into a grape but could be off base?). Also if you mostly like fruit juice, you could maybe try just slicing up an orange and not really “eating” it, just focusing on getting the juices from it (again that may be the gusher sensation you’re wanting to avoid though).

      Does fruit bread count? Since you like bananas, you could add some blueberries and raspberries to a banana bread recipe. Or try making muffins with berries in them or fruit pancakes (there’s a recipe on allrecipes called Veronica’s Apple Pancakes that’s amazing, and also one I love that’s for Banana Peanut Butter Pancakes). That would technically get you more fruit in your diet but without the texture you’re wanting to avoid.

      Maybe commit to trying one “new” fruit a week (even if you’re really just revisiting an old one). And if there’s a farmer’s market in your area, the people there might have some suggestions for you or some unique options for you to try!

    4. Helpful*

      Try slicing your fruit. Quartered grapes won’t “pop” and might be more palatable. Dried fruit but be sure to brush afterwards! Chips are a great idea. Perhaps make a low-sugar jam or compote and use as a spread.

      Ultimately, if you are eating a good variety of veggies, you’ll be fine and don’t HAVE to like fruit! :)

    5. Lauren*

      I don’t like fruit much either. I hate bananas. I don’t like honeydew melon or watermelon. Oranges are messy. I do like apples, raspberries and cantaloupe. Sometimes grapes. So I eat those and also eat dried fruit which I like more. Mostly I find most fruit in grocery stores not that flavourful.

      If you like fruit smoothies then eat those! There’s nothing wrong with that. You are still getting the nutrients. You can get fibre in other ways in your diet.

    7. LissyLou*

      My husband is the same. We were able to figure out that he prefers fruit that has a firmer texture, and prefers the flavor of fruit just before it gets ripe. He likes apples, mangoes, nectarines/peaches, and plums while they’re still hard. Maybe give that a try? He also can’t handle the flavor of the skin of the fruit.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        For people who don’t like the texture or the juice, I recommend trying dried fruit. I love most fruit, and I find I like most dried fruit even more, because it intensifies the flavor and even I enjoy the firmer texture. I’ve dried apple and banana at home on a dehydrator, so it doesn’t have to be expensive. I usually dehydrate them so they’re a little firm but not tough, and getting them to whatever texture you want will take a practice run or two, but after you find the time required it’s obviously simple to reproduce.

        1. Kay*

          Yes, I was going to recommend dried fruit! My favorite are pineapple and mango. Totally different texture, and similar flavor profiles.

      2. AnonEMoose*

        You can get freeze dried fruit, too, and that’s a different texture that’s a little difficult to explain. It’s almost crunchy, but still has the flavor.

    8. Dead Quote Olympics*

      Yes, I’m a texture, not taste, rejector and fruit is the most problematic category for me. 75% of my classic fruit consumption is very crisp apples, I don’t like mushy ones.

      Mangoes, pineapple, strawberries, firm blueberries, firm pears, firm melons (honeydew), clementines are more palatable than peaches (ugh!) and the like for me. Because clementines are so small, there seems to be less of a squish factor, I guess. But once I realized that tomatoes, olives, and avocados are all actually fruit, I stopped worrying about it, because I eat plenty of those, and I eat a ton of vegetables. Honestly, I think the “eat lots of fruit and vegetables” saying is because most people are more inclined towards fruit and nutritionists are trying to encourage vegetables. But the benefits are in a varied diet within that whole combined category.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes, this is very good advice. A varied diet is much more important than X number of servings of fruit per week, IMO.

      2. CityMouse*

        Seconding this device. There’s a lot of variation in texture in fruits and vegetables, so don’t make yourself miserable trying to put yourself in this box – find a healthy food that works for you.

      3. Dead Quote Olympics*

        I knew there were more “you think it’s a vegetable, but” fruits and as far as botanists are concerned, peppers, eggplant, squash, and cucumbers are all technically fruits – I guess anything with seeds. So you are might already be eating plenty of fruit. I will now think of my taboule as a fruit salad.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      It could be that your body is responding to the potassium in the bananas. Cantaloupe might resonate with you because it’s got good potassium also. As mentioned above you may like it before it gets really ripe.

      When picking out a cantaloupe, figure out where the stem was on it. On the opposite side you will see a little spot, that is called the blossom end. Press your finger or thumb into either the stem end or the blossom end. Ripe cantaloupe will give or flex when you do that. Cantaloupe that is not ripe will be as firm on the stem or blossom end as the rest of the cantaloupe. This might help you chose something more to your liking.

    11. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Veggies are healthier than fruit. If you like veggies, it probably doesn’t matter that you don’t eat fruit. Just eat a variety of vegetables.

      1. Mephyle*

        Seconded. The nutritional value of fruit is basically like vegetables, but with more sugar and water. If you eat vegetables and have sufficient fluid intake, you’re getting all the benefit of fruit.

    12. Too Early to Think of a Name*

      If you toss frozen blackberries or raspberries into oatmeal before you microwave it, they basically disintegrate. You get some of the flavor and none of the texture.

      You may like frozen grapes or blueberries in the summer, since they’re firm and not gushy if you eat them before they thaw. You could also try pure fruit popsicles or sorbet.

    13. dr_silverware*

      I don’t know if it matters that you don’t like fruit, in terms of your diet, if you’re eating other types of plants! If you’re worried on that front, book an appointment with a nutritionist (your GP likely doesn’t have specialized nutrition knowledge) and have a check-in about your diet.

      If you want the taste of fruit and not the texture of fruit, smoothies do seem like a good bet, especially if you look up recipes that let the fruit (instead of the sugar or vanilla yogurt or what have you) really shine through.

    14. Canadian Natasha*

      If you want to try other ways to eat fruit, have you tried eating frozen fruit? I used to (okay I still do) love eating frozen cherries while they’re still mostly frozen and there are a few other fruits that do well frozen like peaches and blueberries. (As a plus, frozen fruit has all the nutrition it had when it was fresh and doesn’t have any sugar or chemicals added like most canned fruit or dried fruit and it can also be cheaper than buying fresh).

      But otherwise, I’d agree with other commenters that as long as you have a varied diet you should be fine even without eating fruit.

      1. LilySparrow*

        My children have always enjoyed frozen fruit, sometimes more than fresh. Frozen berries, in particular.
        I used to give it to them to help with teething, and it stuck, I guess.

    15. HigherEd Person*

      It’s also okay to just not like fruit. Really, it’s okay. You’re a grown-ass person, and if you don’t like fruit…don’t eat it! You can get the same nutrients from other foods.

    16. Short & Dumpy*

      If smoothies work, go smoothies! But please remember juice is NOT terribly healthy despite the marketing. It is better than drinking the same volume of soda, but if the choice is “no fruit & a multivitamin” or “juice”, the vast majority of real nutritionists (as opposed to bloggers or pseudoscience jokers) tell you to skip the juice.

      If you are even APROACHING diabetic, juice is one of the first things they want gone even though they may have you increase whole fruits & veggies.

    17. G*

      There are lots of different types of fruit. For example with apples I personally love Pink Lady and Cox’s apples but I don’t like Braeburn apples. Although it might be interesting to try more unusual fruit such as lychee berries, durian fruit, dragon fruit, pomegranates, etc.

    18. Triple Anon*

      Just to make sure, have you tried really fresh, maybe organically grown fruit? Stuff that was picked the same day. There’s a big difference between that and what you can buy in the store. I’ve acquired a taste for a lot of fruits by trying them fresh. They’re not as squishy and the flavor is more complex.

      But you don’t need fruit. Vegetables are fine.

    19. Mikasa*

      You like bananas? I do banana chia pudding. A ripe banana, almond milk, honey, cinnamon, and chia seeds. If you like peanut butter, you can throw that in there.

    20. Gingerblue*

      Nthing all the comments that you can get by just fine without eating fruit! But I’ll also add that if tou find you like dried fruit, dehydrating your own can be a food option. Commercial versions may have other stuff added that you don’t want, like added sweetener, and I’m partial to a couple of dried fruits that are hard to find commercially. (I hate honeydew fresh, but dehydrate it and suddenly it’s delicious.)

      1. Natalie*

        It’s pretty easy to find dried fruit with nothing else added at any kind of natural foods co-op or Whole Foods! But yeah, pre-packaged stuff like Ocean Spray probably has at least fruit juice added to make it sweeter.

    21. MissDissplaced*

      Pears, Asian Pears are crisper slong the apple line. Kiwi? Not quite as gushy. Dragonfruit or mango are also a bit firmer

  3. AintAboutThatLife*

    Happy St. Patrick’s Day from Ireland! What are you doing (if anything) to celebrate?

    2. JenM*

      Watching the match and then lounging like a sloth. It’s been a long week! I’ll go out tomorrow night – love when it falls on a weekend and we get a bank holiday!

    3. American in Ireland*

      No parades, staying home for the match. I don’t do pub crawls, my body doesn’t cope well with alcohol. I’m a two pint max kind of person, which doesn’t go down too well on the social scene.

    4. Irish Em*

      Watching the rugby. Suffering with a godawful cold. But mainly watching the rugby and praying for victory :D

    5. Thlayli*

      Going to parade with the kids then hopefully I’ll get to see some of the match between wrangling toddlers.

    6. Parenthetically*

      Feasting! As in, I gave up sugar for Lent so since today is a feast day I’m having sugar, in the form of a beautiful chocolate stout cake with white chocolate cream cheese frosting.

    8. Nicole76*

      Corned beef and cabbage in the crockpot has become our tradition the past few years. Didn’t even think I liked it until I tried cooking it that way. I’m also going to try making soda bread for the first time.

      For lunch we’re thinking of a Shamrock shake from McDonald’s. I try to limit myself to only one or two each year and haven’t had any yet. Gotta get one before they go away! I’m making my husband split one with me to lessen the damage.

    9. Clever Name*

      I’m going to a street festival in a nearby town and then I’m serving corned beef and cabbage to some out of town guests. I’m really looking forward to the celebration this year. :)

    11. Totallt Minnie*

      Krispy Kreme sells green donuts on St. Patrick’s day, so I’ve had my celebratory breakfast.

    12. Tris Prior*

      Staying inside and hiding from drunks wearing green. (My city gets rather….. out of control for St. Patrick’s Day and I have no desire to step over pools of green barf.)

    14. Lcsa99*

      My husband and I had three shots of real Irish whiskey and a giant glass of white wine that we turned green (food coloring doing it’s thing is especially pretty after three shots of whiskey.)

      My husband also had some of his homemade Irish soda bread.

    15. PB*

      We had a big dinner, with roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, roasted carrots, and homemade cake, and washed the whole thing down with beer. I am so full.

  4. Lauren R*

    I’m about to have to file a petition to have my mother committed. I haven’t spoken to her in years (since I left home at 18, I’m in my 20s now). She was abusive and I don’t want to have to deal with her ever again but no one else is doing anything and she’s clearly a major danger to herself and others. Has anyone been through this before? What can I expect? How long does it take and how do they determine whether to act on the petition? How will they notify her? And will it be necessary for me to speak to her directly during this process? The thought of that makes me nauseous and I don’t know if I can handle it, especially because I imagine it’ll just be me and no emotional backup.

    Also, if the petition is approved, who is the one who takes care of her bills/house/etc? She’s divorced, I’m her only child, and her sister is currently in the hospital after a stroke (she’s okay but obviously not in the best position for all that). So would that mean I would take it on by default or does the court appoint someone to handle it (or let her appoint someone herself)? I’m not seeking guardianship and am sure that she won’t want me involved but I can’t see anyone else accepting the role. If someone else she knows did accept that’d be fine. But I at least would like to help her dogs. One of them I grew up around and she’s old and sick and can be anxious with change – I can’t imagine her doing well with a stranger and I feel so awful for her. When my mother is in treatment, am I legally okay to take her in do you think? Does the court get involved in those decisions or just let the family work it out? (As for her other dog, I’m thinking I’d just need to contact the rescue group and ask what their policy is; I know a lot of rescues want the dog returned to them in cases like this so they can properly vet a new owner.)

    I feel confident the petition will be taken seriously. She’s had run-ins with law enforcement, she’s sustained injuries as a result of her drinking, and there’s plenty of witnesses who have seen her drive drunk (though they haven’t called the cops to report her for god knows what reason). She’s also needed the police to intervene when she was threatening to hurt herself. But if the petition is rejected and nothing is done, is there anything I can do to at least challenge her driver’s license? I’ve read that in Alabama (where she lives) relatives can file unsafe driver reports in cases such as an elderly relative who can no longer drive safely. But I’m not sure that will yield any results here. I just really don’t want her to hurt anyone.

    I feel so overwhelmed. When I left, I really didn’t think I’d have to go back. Especially not for this. But even her sister acknowledges something needs to be done (and did prior to becoming ill) and yet things are getting worse no one is acting. Even though I don’t like her or think of her as my mother, I can’t believe how the people around her are just watching her deteriorate like this and watching her put others in harm’s way. They’re doing nothing and then acting surprised when nothing changes. And while I know this isn’t really fair to feel, it’s upsetting and makes me so angry that a lot of the people who are saying they’re just fed up and done and that they can’t take any more are the exact same people who acted like I was in the wrong for leaving her behind in the first place, because they thought I was being “dramatic” or “unfair” for not being able to take more of her abuse. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, they won’t even take basic actions to protect her (and innocent bystanders on the roads!) from serious harm before bailing. I understand where they’re coming from on some level but selfishly I just really wish they’d at least acknowledge the disconnect between their own actions and the statements they made to me and about me when I left. Ugh it’s just been a long week. Thank you all for listening.

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say well done for taking action. It sounds like a horrible situation and it must be so hard for you. Sending support and good luck.

    2. buzzbattlecat*

      I’m sorry you have to deal with this. If no one else tells you, this internet stranger is proud of you.
      Is there such a role as a Public Trustee where you are? They are court appointed here to administer a person’s finances, property etc and are free (and heavily regulated). They would take most of the practical problems for you. I’m not sure about pets but I’ve attended a few Guardianship hearings and people are able to voice their concerns and bring up all sorts of issues. For what it’s worth, the Guardians and Trustees have always been reasonable, fair and approachable.
      You are absolutely doing the right thing, I really hope your family steps up with some support for you.

    3. Thlayli*

      Good luck. I don’t have any experience or advice related to committal. And I’m sure you already know this, but just in case it’s new info: there are anti-alcohol drugs now that are far far better at treating alcoholism than 12-step programs and the like. But they are not widely used in some countries for various reasons unrelated to their effectiveness.

      I know that’s not the question you asked and I’m sure I sound patronising, and I also don’t know if you could even convince her to take them. but just in case you didn’t know I thought it might be useful information. You can find lots of info on them online.

    4. Helpful*

      I’m sorry. This sounds terrible. May I ask why you need to be involved? It sounds like you have an estranged relation. Is it healthiest for you to let her live her life, even badly?

      If not (and it sounds like that’s where you’re at) I think I would consult with an attorney or social worker on this. There are so many layers to the process that are a concern that I would want extra help to make sure I’d be getting the outcome I’m looking for.

    5. neverjaunty*

      I am so sorry you are dealing with this. What a nightmare.

      Civil commitment is often a different thing than becoming a conservator (where you have the right to make decisions for the person). Is there any way you could talk to a lawyer in your state? Often state and county bar associations have referral programs where you can talk to a lawyer for half an hour or an hour, and it’s free or really cheap (like under $50 cheap). That would be enough to get an overview of the process.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Been there, sad to say. If you haven’t been to Alanon, please go to six meetings and see if it is for you. My experience is that Alanon gave me the tools to deal with crises with regards to the alcoholics in my family.

        First things first. “I can’t believe how the people around her are just watching her deteriorate like this and watching her put others in harm’s way. They’re doing nothing and…”
        Other people. Yes, other people had lots of opinions when I ceased contact with my abusive mother. I learned that other peoples’ opinions were none of my business.

        Helpful, “May I ask why you need to be involved? It sounds like you have an estranged relation. Is it healthiest for you to let her live her life, even badly?”

        If she is a danger to herself or others, report to appropriate authorities as you would if you had a neighbor driving drunk.
        If the dog is in an unsafe environment or not cared for, call animal control and tell them you are will to provide a home until your mother is stable.

        Be kind to yourself. Take care.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      [Dull ache in heart.]

      Yeah, I needed psychiatric care because of my “lies”. Then they found out it was worse than what I was saying.

      No apology ever came. But they did expect me to work 24/7 to take care of her. When I did not do this I was marked as a bad person. These folks have passed away now. I ended up having minimal contact with them also. When they passed I was too far away and too involved in my own family problems here to attend the funeral. Not a good ending to all that. But perhaps it was for the best.

      You did the right thing by removing yourself. See, what we can accidentally end up doing is blocking other people’s complete view of what is going on. So they need to have their learning experiences also.

      I am trying to think of low cost/no cost ideas. One idea that occurs to me is to find out who the prosecuting attorney was on her DWIs. In my state this would be someone from the county’s District Attorney office. You want to talk to the actual person who prosecuted your mother’s cases in court. It might be an Assistant DA who prosecuted but that is okay- s/he is just the one who was assigned to the court your mother was in.

      You can also talk to the police agencies involved. Ideally talk to someone with some rank. This could be local police or county/state police. In my state, the state police take stuff super seriously and are professional. It’s good to know the reputation of the agency you are dealing with.

      Tell these people what you are saying here. If you have any relevant documents bring them with you. If you have a journal of what has gone on with her bring that with you. (Or if you chose to call them, then have it handy when you call.)

      Perhaps you can get a side plan on how to get the dogs. Maybe a non-police type person would be willing to help or maybe the police would have some tips. If you think the animals may be abused, then be sure to report that suspicion. Studies show that people who abuse animals are more likely to abuse kids also. That is why I mention this. If your mother is not home because of treatment and the dogs are alone in the house by all means report that neglect.

      I am so sorry you are going though this. I already know that it will forever shape you and change you. Let it mold you in good ways. Continue to protect yourself from further injury, this includes emotional/psychological injury. Seek out the people who have already worked on your mother’s cases. This may help to keep your out of pocket expenses down, because this can get costly both financially and psychologically.

      I do know as a daughter I was the LAST person my mother would ever listen to. So where people thought I was the magician who would fix all this, the exact opposite was true. If I intervened stuff would have gotten worse than it already was. The same might be true for you. Please seriously think about this before you get in too far. Perhaps your best plan is to get the dogs and leave the rest alone.

    7. Anona*

      My husband’s mom has schizophrenia, and periodically has episodes where she’s a danger to herself or others. Usually someone calls the police, and then if they think she’s a danger/in danger, they take her to a hospital or mental health facility. But it’s brief- I think only like 3 days or something, where they give her meds and then reassess her to see if she’s still a danger. If she’s not, they legally have to release her, unless she voluntarily agrees to stay longer. At that point she doesn’t have to be sane- it’s legally fine to be crazy, but not dangerous. My understanding is to do a more permanent commital through the courts is very difficult. Good luck!

      1. Anon Mental Health Professional*

        I do risk assessments(threat of harm to self/others) as part of my job and this is correct. Generally when someone is committed for a mental health evaluation it is a 48-72 hour hold for observation and to help the person stabilize. When they do keep the person past the 72 hour period, it is normally only for a week or 2. There are limits to what insurance will cover, so the hospital has to be able to prove that the concerns are severe enough that the treatment cannot be completed on an outpatient basis. My mom was a court clerk in a courtroom that heard guardianship cases before she retired. Getting temporary/permanent guardianship is a long process. A social-worker would have to do a home visit and evaluate your mother, so it could be months before your case is even heard in court. Good luck! You might want to consider finding an advocate to help you navigate the legal process. If you search for legal advocates in your area, you should be able to find volunteers who will do this for you. Some lawyers will also do the 1st phone consultation for free before they take your case.

      2. paul*

        I deal with this at work on rare occasions; I can count on both hands the number of clients I’ve seen go longer than a 72 hour hold. Up that to 96 and it drops to *one* hand. That’s not just me personally; that’s the number of times anyone I work with has done this to a client, over the course of a decade now.

        This will almost certainly not be a permanent or even long term committal.

    8. Anona*

      Oh and in my state you can anonymously report someone as an unsafe driver. If that’s an option i”‘d do that. That’s how my grandpa was required to either retake his driving test or give up his license. Not sure if that would be helpful if it’s a alcohol issue, but worth a try. Also, if you ever do know she’s driving drunk at a particular time, you can try reporting that to the police then. I’m sorry :/. Family stuff like this where there aren’t great options is sooooo hard. Try to get counseling for yourself if you can. My husband loves that prayer (St Francis?) about learning to accept things that you can’t change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    9. Thursday Next*

      I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult situation. I really admire you for intervening, given your history with your mother, especially because you’re concerned about the safety of people whom your mother might otherwise hurt.

      Is there a local department of health that you could contact? They may have a list of resources. Or perhaps a local hospital? It seems like you should be able to get a social worker or some kind of advocate to help you navigate this process.

      Wishing you all the best.

    10. danr*

      I hope you’re doing this with an attorney. She can advise you how to handle the financial obligations of your mother.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        This is a really good point. People in this kind of condition are rarely fastidious about their finances and you want to know for yourself and others where your financial obligations begin and end. And make sure you don’t inadvertently take on financial responsibilities you don’t have to. Some creditors will try to take advantage of ignorance, guilt and feelings of responsibility in family members to get them to pay debts that are not legally their responsibility.

    11. Hmm*

      In my experience, it’s very difficult to get someone committed. I think looking into other options, like getting her license taken away, would be helpful too. Maybe even get a lawyer.

      But I agree with a commenter above… Is it even wise for you to be doing this? If any contact with your mom is so painful, maybe continuing no contact would be best.

    12. Jean (just Jean)*

      You might contact your state or local/regional chapter of NAMI — National alliance for the mentally Ill. They help people with mental illness and their families and my hunch is that someone in that organization would know how to help or where to refer you. Good luck and good wishes to you. Take care of yourself so you don’t also spiral into a bad place while trying to minimize the damage your mom can do. I’m sorry you have this in your life.

    13. No Easy Answers*

      I’m a social worker in community mental health and petitioned my mother a few years ago. Other commenters have touched on the difficulty of your situation and I’m typing on a phone with limited time, so I’ll stick to concrete suggestions. My heart goes out to you, though, around the not wanting to get sucked back in. I’d recommend:
      1. Seeing if there’s a crisis response team in your county. They may be able to give you guidance more relevant to your state/situation and facilitate the process.
      2. If your mother sees a PCP, reach out to them about certifying her, which may make the petition more likely to be accepted.
      3. The petition is going to be a temporary stop gap, as another commenter mentioned, likely a 48-72 hour hold. The fallout could be more damage to your relationship with your mother or you being tugged back in. To have a better chance of there being follow up, I’d recommend either going to the ER to advocate for your mother to be given a PAS screen (transferring her to a nursing home) or calling the ER and asking to speak with the social worker/crisis worker/psychiatrist assessing her to explain the full extent of the situation.
      4. Getting guardianship for your mother, especially if no one in the family wants to be a guardian, can take months to years. The state can assume guardianship, but it will take a long long time, especially if your mother wants to fight it. I’d recommend reaching out to legal aid agencies in your city or state, particularly ones that work with older adults.
      5. You may also be able to get assistance or at least advice by calling your local senior help line (google Area Agency on Aging) if your mother is 60+. Try might help with the petitioning, resources to help prop our mother up, or let you know the limitations of what’s out there.
      To summarize: you shouldn’t have to do this all your own. Reach out to your local mobile crisis unit, followed by the local area agency on aging, legal aid agency, and your mother’s doctor if she sees one. There is a good chance that even if you see the situation as dire, it may have to deteriorate more before safety net mechanisms kick in. Above all, this is not all on your shoulders to fix. Your mother, as compromised as her decision making capacity may be, is still her own person and has made her own choices in life and if bad things happen they will not have been because you didn’t do enough. Feel free too to list your city/state and I can locate some more helpful phone numbers for you to call.

      1. No Easy Answers*

        To answer your questions about guardianship more fully: someone needs to petition for guardianship. Since you don’t want to petition to be the guardian, you’ll likely need a psychiatrist or neurologist to initiate the process. Ask about this if she gets admitted. The courts will likely assign a guardian ad litem—-a lawyer to come out to make recommendations. If you decline and your aunt says no, the lawyer will assign the state to be her guardian. If there is money, for example if you wanted to pay or there is
        Money in your mother’s estate, there could be a private guardian, which would be faster and easier. The guardian ad litem would take your mothers preferences into account if it was something like deciding between family members. Guardianship is a major taking away of rights though so it will not be a fast or easy process, especially if your mother fights it. In the meantime, google about sending a letter to your mother’s DMV—they may require her to retake her test and take away her license if she fails. Again, if she has a PCP this would be a good person to contact. Regarding the animals, call your local animal abuse reporting line to have someone come out to assess. I don’t know much about animal abuse, but I suspect it will be easier (though possibly damage your relationship with your mother more) to just take the dogs for safekeeping if she goes into the hospital.

    14. Fingers crossed for you*

      I am so sorry she abused you. It sound like you are doing better now, so please really think about if you need to get involved in this or if it’s better for your own mental health to stay out of it. Good luck either way.

    15. FD*

      My parents are the conservators for one sibling with substantial disabilities. As a disclaimer, the process we went through is likely different than what you’d go through because we went through a guardianship/conservatorship process, not a civil commitment, and the process is different when working with people who aren’t yet 18.* However, I learned more about the process when we were going through it. I also live in Minnesota so the laws may vary. As I understand it, there are a few levels.

      1. Involuntary short-term hold. This is usually used with people who are in immediate short-term danger of hurting themselves or others. In our state, that can last up to 72 hours and there must be a hearing during that period to determine the next steps. This can either lead to an end to the commitment, or an agreement that it needs to move to the next step.

      2. Civil commitment (technically, #1 is also this too but it’s distinct from #1 in how it’s handled). This will require a court hearing with evidence. In most states, it’s fairly difficult to get a civil commitment (this is generally a good thing as it reduces cases of improper commitments but sometimes means that people who really should be committed aren’t). In MN, a lawyer will be appointed on behalf of the person who might be committed (or they can choose their own). You may not need to speak to your mother, but I would suspect you’d be asked to testify.

      In the state of MN, I understand that a civil commitment’s initial period can’t be more than 6 months and then has to be ‘renewed’ every twelve months or so. The process generally leans towards wanting it to be temporary around here. (This is not a bad thing in principle but does mean that some people end up back on the streets who shouldn’t be.)

      3. Conservatorship. A person who is a conservator has the right to make some decisions on behalf of a person unable to make them for him/herself. This person can be a family member or someone appointed by the court. I believe there are both limited conservatorships and more broad ones, and my understanding (though my Google-fu failed me in verifying it) is that people who are committed need to have a conservator for the period of the committment. In my state, they require re-assessment every year and my parents have to file paperwork and serve each of my adult siblings once per quarter.

      Honestly, I would…really not try to apply to be her conservator if there are any other choices. In most states, you have to supply a lot of different information that would be difficult to obtain without interacting with her. To be honest, I’m not certain you really could do a good job of being her conservator without interacting with her, so you probably want to go with a third party.

      * Generally speaking, the process before 18 is meant to help identify folks with disabilities who will never be able to care for themselves independently and will require a permanent guardian. The process after 18 tends to be more difficult because it is designed to deal with people who were able to care for themselves at one point, but can no longer do so.

    16. Kuododi*

      This is a terrible situation to find oneself in and I wish you the best as you.work to navigate the problem. The jurisdictions where I served as a mental health counselor did crisis commitment for a limited time between 48-72 hrs. I don’t know what the rules in your area but more than likely if you are looking for a more long term management of your mother’s treatment, there will need to be a petition to the courts for some type of guardianship over your mother. For that, I would definitely look into the support of an attorney. That person can also advise you regarding how to manage your mother’s finances, household, etc. Best wishes, keep us posted!!!

    17. Loopy*

      I have been in your shoes. My mother ended up passing away before I began the process but I was thinking about it for the same reason (severe alcoholism that led to very dangerous situations). Others have had very helpful advice about the process but I want to chime in with this:

      If you start this process, make sure you have a support system for YOU in place first. I was left wanting in terms of support during my situation and wish I had been able to take a deep breath and put some support systems in place before getting tangled in everything. Sometimes this isn’t an option but please try and consider if it is. First, a therapist is a great support if you’re open to therapy and have the time to find one you like.

      Have a solid home situation and family or friend support. I was more or less homeless and sleeping on a couch in someone’s house (I was in college when this happened) and it was so so hard not to have my own space where I was comfortable to go when I was overwhelmed and didn’t want to face people.

      As other have said, be okay with putting yourself first. This kind of relationship takes a massive toll. It’s okay to step away for your own well being.

    18. LilySparrow*

      I’m in Alabama, and I’d start with Adult Protective Services at the state Dept of Human Resources.

      They focus on issues of abuse, but their site lists assessment, case management, and mental health treatment for individuals who may be a danger to themselves or others as part of their mandate.

      I haven’t dealt with the adult side, only the child side. The caseworker who took my call was helpful in giving information about what was or wasn’t within their scope. They sounded a bit suspicious of false reports, but did do independent follow-up.

      I hope you get some peace of mind!

      1. Nines*

        Adult Protective Services is a great place to start! They are very good at answering hypotheticals as well! So you could call and see what their recommendations are, if it sounds like a situation they could intervene with or not.

    19. Mm Hmm*

      I’m so sorry. Chiming in to say that it sounds like the first step is to set up your support system. I’d want a team of folks who could help me with emotional support, negotiating bureaucracy & information, etc. Hope you can find a way to retrieve & rehome both dogs.

      And to echo others here: if something bad happens it will not be because you didn’t prevent/fix it.

      Please keep us posted.

  5. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I had a rough week. I couldn’t sleep Sunday night and I called in sick on Monday. Some stuff happened on Sunday evening that was a major, unexpected PTSD trigger. I also was feeling pretty messed up about my meds causing side effects and not being sure if I could continue to take them.

    I called my psychiatrist on Monday after waking up around 1 PM and she helped me adjust the dosage and timing of the meds so they didn’t cause as bad of side effects. I also talked to my therapist for the first time about some trauma stuff I had been triggered about on Sunday, it was my first time discussing it with her. I’m proud of myself for doing those things.

    I also impulsively signed up for a boxing gym. I took a kickboxing class the day after talking to my therapist about the trauma stuff and it helped a lot with dealing with anger and tension that had built up in my body.

    How are you doing?

    1. Amey*

      Following on from the makeup thread a couple weeks ago, I’m trying to shake up my daytime natural makeup routine. I normally wear a light foundation, mascara and a bit of eyeliner and just some natural lip balm or lipstick depending on what I’m doing.

      The liner is no longer working for me as a look. I’d like to just use mascara but I have basically no lower lashes, they’re tiny and don’t really seem like a complete set. But my eyes look weird with just the top defined! A bit of liner on the bottom used to balance it out, but it gets smudgy and doesn’t look super professional. Any tips?

      1. Amey*

        Ah, not supposed to be here at all!! Sorry Junior Dev – frivolous doesn’t even describe it..

      2. Makeup Addict*

        If it’s just that the liner is smudging that’s the problem, you can probably fix that by using a different liner or changing application method. What are you using for liner currently? I almost always use Urban Decay 24/7 pencils for my lower lash line, and they do not smudge on me at all once they set. If your skin around the eyes is very oily, you might need a drier formula, but those pencils work great on everyone I know. If you find that your liner tends not to set, it might be worth using a matching shadow shade over the liner to set it in place. Or even just softly blend a suitable shadow shade on as your liner.

        If you really don’t want to use liner, how do your lower lashes look with mascara on? You can buy mascara specifically designed for lower lashes, but I usually just use my regular one. A light coat of something volumising could add some definition and fullness to your lower lashes if you aren’t already doing that.

      3. LissyLou*

        Google smudge proof eyeliner to find the price point you’re looking for. Also, YouTube has hundreds (thousands?) of makeup videos for a natural look. They also have lots of videos showing how to use eyeshadow as a liner.

    2. Effie, who is pondering*

      I’m sorry you’ve had a rough week. Sleep deprivation is so awful. Sounds like you’re taking care to deal with it and everything mindfully, which is great.

      I think boxing will help! Being able to hit something physically is a great way to release stress/tension/strong emotions. I stretch (and sometimes cry while stretching), something about working through the physical pain is a great release for me.

      I’m coming to grips with the fact that no one wants me. That sounds bleak, but what I mean is that I need to be okay with being rejected again before I’ll be ready to start dating again. I have a really hard time dealing with rejection and I want to get myself in a healthy state before trying to date again.

      I want to look for a therapist, but I don’t have time to look and since I’m doing “okay,” it’s hard to prioritize and make time. I’m functional even though I’m not functioning as efficiently/healthily as I could. I know I should because I could very well be developing unhealthy coping patterns. :/

      I miss my exes, both my horrible toxic ex who cheated and awesome incompatible ex who is still kinda in my life. Horrible toxic ex because I still love him, and I’m just letting myself love him and being honest with myself. A tiny part of me has been holding out hope that awesome incompatible ex and I will get together, and I’m trying to extinguish that hope. Because we won’t. He doesn’t want me anymore than any other romantic interest does. Which is to say, not at all.

      I’m still young, I’m cute/beautiful/gorgeous depending on who you’re asking, I’m smart, I’m sexy, I’m attractive, I support myself, I have a decent head on my shoulders, I’m practical and reliable. I need to keep reminding myself that I am enough for me, and that is good enough. And I am being mindful of taking care of myself, because I want to be good to myself, not just because someday I might meet someone. Who cares about a hypothetical future? I exist now.

      And if I ever date again, that I will still be enough for me.

      1. Betsy*

        Dating is so hard! It’s easy to feel that no one wants you (but realistically there are probably plenty of people out there who would). I’m in the same boat (if it helps). I have a decent career, am a good conversationalist, at least used to be good-looking even if that’s maybe faded a little recently, am kind and make people laugh.

        I think sometimes people have a bad run. That’s what helps me not to despair. I’ve had friends who are great people- intelligent, very attractive, good careers, everything ,who have had a bad run for a number of years. The particular friend I’m thinking of is now married to a nice guy and has beautiful children. When I think of people like her, and other friends who are great people but single, I realise that it’s not that I’m completely flawed, it’s that sometimes you just have a run of bad luck.

    3. JaneB*

      Not great here either. I miss my cat so much, the strike has been soooo wearing emotionally, and I had a minor eye infection which was just very very annoying.

      Played a lot of games on my phone which is calming but unproductive!

      1. nep*

        Calming can be productive in its own way.
        Sorry you’re not doing great right now. Hope the stress and pain will ease soon.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        It’s odd, you know. Sometimes we can grieve our pets more than we grieve some people. They certainly fill our days and our lives.
        Am very sorry for your loss.

    4. matcha123*

      I was invited to post here a few weeks ago, so here goes…
      After one poster suggested taking in more vitamins and minerals, I did that and while I’m not perfect, I do feel a lot better, my skin looks better and I don’t feel as bloated as I did before. I’ve been having a vitamin drink every morning before work for the past week and a half.
      I also decided to face my fears and allow myself to be in situations that make me uncomfortable. Not in a bad way, but talking to coworkers about my ideas for work or deciding on different ways to approach them.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Rock on.

        Yep, strategically pick a fear and confront it. Go one fear at a time. Build a plan for what you will do to handle it. Just do one at a time so you stand a good chance of some level of success. It’s not wrong to set yourself up to win.

        I found I had a lot of fears, for [reasons]. Reading became my biggest path out. So I would read up on things that scared me.

        OTH, there are times where we can reach out and ask a friend to help. I asked for help bringing my previous dog to the vet to be put to sleep. That was such a wise move. So I invited the same friend to go with me to get the new pup. The pup slept in her lap alllll the way home. She said she enjoyed that a lot, she kept giggling at how he was out cold, sound asleep the whole way. This is a good example of how asking for help can work into a nice experience, too.

        As you look at each fear, give it this test: “Would other people have a concern here?” Nine times of out ten, the answer is probably yes. It’s okay to be concerned, it’s okay to have fear. This is a heads up so that we protect ourselves. Fortify. Read, learn, bring in a friend or trusted individual where it makes sense.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I should have added. Keep in mind, that it won’t be long and it will be your turn to be that trusted person for someone else.

          1. matcha123*

            Thank you and nep, too!
            I’ve been the trusted friend for a long time now and I’m just starting to cash out the, hopefully, good-will I’ve built up. School friends would tune out when I asked for help, and that made me feel like my problems weren’t worthy of assistance. But a few years ago I decided that if a friend is willing to come to me for advice, they should be willing to give me advice. I love helping my friends, and I feel comforted that the ones I’ve reached out to are returning the favor.

      4. Polar Bear don't care*

        Can I ask you what vitamin drink you’re using? I think I need to give it a try!

        1. matcha123*

          Sure! Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll find it. It’s a Japanese Minute Maid drink. The one I drink is a banana yogurt flavor with bits of…jelly? so you kind of have to chew it a bit.
          I’ll put the Amazon link in a separate post below. It has a lot of B vitamins, which might be what I need.

          2. matcha123*

            The name is Minute Maid Morning Banana Jelly Drink （ミニッツメイド　朝バナナ）
            The package says it has the calcium of a cup of yogurt (not sure how large that cup is), the energy of 2 bananas, and 1 meal’s worth of multivitamins (E, B12, B6, B2, B3). It’s 194 calories. Don’t know how much that helps, but hope it does!

    5. Thursday Next*

      Junior Dev, I’m sorry you had a rough week, but it sounds like you handled it brilliantly. The boxing gym was a perfect idea—hurray for impulse decisions (sometimes)!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        That is such a smart move with the boxing idea. Anger is something that can simmer in the body and eat away at the body and the mind. Finding ways to push it out is an investment in overall health for years to come.

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      This week was very negatively emotional for me.

      I drew a line in the sand with my toxic older brother (more on that below in a separate posting) and whilst I’m proud of myself for doing it, I have been struggling to deal with the emotional fallout from that decision. I’ve turned to my old friend books to help me feel more positive and it’s worked, which I’m grateful for.

      Other than that, I’m doing quite well and feeling positive about the future as I have some big and exciting changes in motion that I hope will serve to make me even happier and more productive.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        And I know this might sound stupid, but I’ve just read through everyone’s comments, but I really do recommend watching Queer Eye on Netflix.

        It is honestly the most positive show I’ve ever seen and it has really helped me this week, even if it was only just for an hour. The Fab 5 focus on improving the emotional aspect of their people’s lives and they have such great advice for looking after your mental health that I feel the show could help a lot of people feel a little better for a time.

    7. Blue Anne*

      Kickboxing sounds awesome. My equivalent is going out to a batting cage. Knock that crap out of something other than yourself.

      My new medication has settled in and I’m doing so much better. I’m still having a lot of disturbing thoughts, but my mood is so vastly improved that it’s easy to just look at the thought and then let it go away.

    8. Tiny Crankypants*

      Kickboxing is great! Try out some gyms and find a safe environment. I went to a women’s only gym and the instructor used a lot of humour to teach. She also helped me feel really comfortable.

      I have tried Muay Thai for trauma stuff, but the vibe of the gym (very noisy, two instructors conducting two classes concurrently) was bad. I am trying out calligraphy instead, but I do need to let loose some pent up rage.

      Let us know what happens at kickboxing.

      1. paul*

        the TKD place I used to go to went out of business within about 18 months of opening. God I miss that place. I don’t typically like hurting someone but a match is a bit different. You both agreed to be there after all and neither of you really want to kill the other. That helps. I think it suffered from not marketing itself as premier for self defense (which TKD really isn’t so props to the owner).

    9. Mimmy*

      Anxiety has been a bit high this week due to a number of things. The biggest thing is that a family friend–one of my mom’s closest friends–is dying from cancer (she’s in hospice now) and have been constantly checking Facebook for updates from the two daughters with whom I’m friends.

      Also antsy about work. Struggling with the feeling of not wanting to settle in this job despite the rave reviews I get from the students and staff.

      I’m proud of the fact that, despite my anxiety, I’ve decided to attend a major conference in Pittsburgh. Now, to actually register and make travel plans……

    10. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I’m finally coming out of a few week long depression spiral. I took last Thursday and Friday off so I had a four day weekend and it really helped me feel less like I want to stab everyone.

      1. Unseasonably SAD*

        I’ve got seasonal affective disorder and am finally coming out of my January to February depression. Is that your dynamic too? Not diagnosing, just looking for a SAD compatriot. :)

        It really sucked because I started Wellbutrin for SAD last year and got 100% coverage and was blindsided by having symptoms come back this January—not as bad, but still really affecting me. It was so discouraging! This week I could feel myself doing a bit better. I switched from thinking “why am I not getting anything done at work? where do the days go? what kind of person am I that I’m doing so badly?!” to “well there’s stuff to get done and let’s do it! okay, one more project completed on to the next” mode that always happens in March.

        I’m so grateful for the gains I’ve made after a probably lifetime of undiagnosed SAD, but it was so upsetting to feel myself going back down into the pit again. I was reminded of how in the past I’d lose about half the year to it—a few months of depression/anxiety, and then a few months of cleaning up the mess I’d leave behind because I wasn’t fully functional. Bleh.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          It’s something I plan to discuss with my doctor actually. My Prozac has been a godsend with managing my anxiety, which is usually a bigger concern for me than the depression, so now I’m wondering if maybe I need something a little extra in the winter. Looking back at my FB memories it seems to be a pattern around this time of year, so SAD crossed my mind.

          1. Unseasonably SAD*

            Oh, that’s a surprising answer! I didn’t even think of SAD myself until my doctor diagnosed it when I was in my late forties and then I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed it before. Every fall I’d get nostalgic and weepy, then depressed and anxious, with it peaking in January. The anxiety especially was so bad. Usually each winter I’d have some precipitating, minor event (“I think I hurt someone’s feelings,” or “that client said I should have done better”) that would trigger a six-week anxiety and depression. Then every March or so I’d have a “personal breakthrough” which I’d attribute to therapy or willpower, and it would miraculously go away. Repeat each year. I feel like I’ve been living in Groundhog Day.

            After diagnosis I looked at my records to see if I could document the pattern, like when you looked at FB posts. Back when I was writing checks for therapy sessions, and keeping up my bookkeeping system, I had about five years of therapy. During that time I never once went to therapy in July. My therapy sessions would pick up again in the fall and taper off after March. The chart was kind of stunningly clear. I also was keeping journals, one Word file per journal, with the date in the name. I don’t generally write anything in my journal that isn’t problem processing. More journal entries in winter, similar chart.

            Light therapy is really helpful and you could consider it in conjunction with Prozac as a boost if you decide you don’t want to do extra medication in the winter. I found it a real nuisance to do once I was no longer self-employed, as it should be done in the morning, but other people seem to manage, and it got me through two winters before I decided it was too much work and that I’d try Wellbutrin. Exercise is also huge. I think I’ll be increasing my Wellbutrin this coming fall as I can’t deal with another bad winter. I’m so over it. Good luck to you!

    11. Betsy*

      This week was much better- was very busy so not much time at all to think or feel anything. Still dealt with intrusive thoughts today, but coped a lot better with them.

      I’m nervous about the new job, finishing the old job, organising an international move, but I’ve been a lot better about accepting all that this week. Money will be really tight and I sense that I’ll just scrape through on the other end of the move– I always do. Even if I have to add even more to my credit card debt, well, I’ll make it.

      Today I wish I could relax a bit more, but I have a minor headache and I keep thinking about a few important emails I need to send. I did make it to yoga and I feel proud about that. I’m getting muscles again, and it’s an added incentive to keep going regularly, even if it’s just for vanity reasons.

    12. Shrunken Hippo*

      I’m super frustrated after this week. I’ve been in a lot of pain and I was trying to get forms signed so I could stay on financial assistance but it all ended up being super stressful and made me spiral into depression a bit.
      Apparently in order to get assistance until I get a diagnosis and help my doctor has to sign a form that states my diagnosis. I have asked what to do and the oh so helpful answer has been “just get diagnosed”. Well thanks tips. If I could get diagnosed I would be on my way to getting physical therapy so I could actually function like a normal adult again. The stress has made my depression and anxiety much worse and I just want to curl up in bed and cry all day. The physical pain doesn’t help at all and it’s made it even more difficult to get to appointments and make phone calls.
      To top it all off I have to go into to see my doctor for some reason but they wouldn’t say what it was about over the phone so I’m even more anxious. I wish I could just fast forward in time to a point where all of this was dealt with and I could get on with the rest of my life.
      I’m just proud that after all of this I haven’t become suicidal again.

    13. Ali G*

      I hope this question isn’t inappropriate, so I apologize in advance if it is (and feel free to ignore or let me know).
      I’m wondering how you know if you need some help on the mental health side of things. I’ve never had problems in the past (I’ll be 40 later this year), but 2017 was a ROUGH year. Back in September I left a toxic job and threw myself into getting my husband and I settled into our new house (we agreed I did not need to job search right away – long story but I had income coming in). We had moved back in Jan of 2017 but due to 2017 being a big old bag of shit we never really unpacked and settled. That was great for a while, but now I am still unemployed, overweight and just feeling…lost? Unmotivated? IDK. I was hoping the “clean slate” of 2018 would bring me back, but here I am still feeling overall crappy.
      Sometimes I think I am just lazy and need to just get my butt in gear, but then I start to stress about returning to the “real world” and I kind of just shut down. I think I need help, but have no idea where to start. Am I wrong and just lazy? I honestly can’t answer that question.
      Any thoughts appreciated – this is a new world for me. I am not used to not feeling in control of my life and not knowing what comes next.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I think if you’re asking the question, and open to the idea, you might benefit from therapy. There are all different kinds—some of it can be quite short-term and focused on a specific situation or goal, or even the process of goal-setting. It sounds like last year was a challenging one for you, and that you might need some support in taking stock of things now.

        Please don’t beat yourself up with the word “lazy”: we all run into things that throw us for a loop, and seeking help is not a sign of laziness or weakness. Quite the opposite, actually. Keep us updated!

      2. Unseasonably SAD*

        I’ve been there. I’ve got seasonal affective disorder so you’re describing my every winter. It’s hard to switch from being functional to not-so-functional—you’re feeling bad plus you’re like “this isn’t me!”

        As a really brief response, are you exercising and getting outdoors? I’m very much a take medicine kind of person but…there is great clinical evidence that exercise and outdoor time make a very big difference in mood. If you live in an area where you can walk, walking is a great thing to do. I love listening to podcasts (try the fiction podcast “The Walk”! they encourage you to walk while you listen to the adventure and I admit it’s a pretty fun way to listen to it) or talking to a friend on the phone. If you can only do one thing in the day to try to improve your mood, go for a walk or a run or do heavy yard work or swim or whatever it is. I could never get into exercising until I joined a running group out of our local athletic shoe store. It was cheap and supportive and I quickly made running buddies who held me accountable and missed me if I didn’t attend. I was hooked and went from couch potato to 5k in a few months.

        You may feel better (not 100% but better enough to start you in a positive direction again) in just a few days. Good luck!

        1. Ali G*

          Thanks you! I actually didn’t think about it until I saw your post above. I have very low-grade SAD (mostly due to low vitamin-D) and now that I think about it, that could be a part of the problem. Since I didn’t have to go out and function in the real world like I did when working, I let my routine slide. I didn’t really need it so much because I was on my own time, but that may be contributing to my overall malaise.
          I should start using my lightbox again and taking my vitamins.
          And yes I can walk and I should – thanks for the podcast rec! I hope winter lets go of you soon!

          1. Unseasonably SAD*

            Oh, a fellow SAD sufferer! Yeah I have to take Vitamin D all the time or my levels drop to the single digits, so I haven’t had to worry about taking it specifically for SAD. Guess I’d be even worse without it?

            Well, if your symptoms are indeed SAD related, then the good news is you should be coming out of them soon. I had breakthrough symptoms this winter and am so glad that they’re receding. Now of course I have to catch up on all the work that I didn’t get done. I do hate this cycle! Fingers crossed for a better 2018-19 fall/winter season for us both!

      3. Tuna Casserole*

        Having someone to talk things over with can be very helpful. You could look for free or low-cost counselling in your area. My local unemployment office has free job counselling, you could look for something like that. Support groups are often free as well. You could try something, see if it works and then try something else. You could check out your local library for books on job-searching, anxiety and more. Volunteer work can be a great way to meet people and gain some new skills. Do what works for you.

        You are not lazy. Nothing wrong with taking time to re-charge. If you were lazy, you wouldn’t be worried about any of this.

      4. Junior Dev*

        I think seeing a therapist could be great for you. I have usually done talk therapy with people who are licensed as clinical social workers, not psychologists or psychiatrists, and they’ve been pretty good about being someone I could talk through my problems with, without automatically having them attributed to a diagnosis. So if you’re not sure if the issues you’re experiencing are due to life circumstances or something else, a therapist can be a great person to talk them through with and get some perspective.

      5. Betsy*

        I think it depends if you’re unmotivated and happy, or unmotivated and sad or apathetic or numb or some other similar quality.

        I (recently) booked in for therapy when I started feeling a bit overwhelmed and teary at work. I didn’t really mind feeling teary so much, but I do a lot of public speaking in my job and was terrified I’d cry in front of a room full of people. Therapy has helped with work, but has also helped a lot with a lot of issues outside of work.

        On the other hand, sometimes it can be really normal to go through a patch in life where things don’t work so well, or you don’t feel great. I was sure I’d be diagnosed with depression when I went in, but the therapist said I wasn’t depressed (although I do have anxiety issues). I think the threshold for having a diagnosable issue is pretty high. And if you’re used to feeling in control, you might feel like everything’s dangerous and you might feel a bit mad, but there’s actually a pretty wide range of emotions and reactions that fall within ‘normal’.

        As for the laziness, I think we all worry about that. I think very few people are truly lazy, and they’re pretty easily identifiable because they have a long history of not being able to hold down a job (without any valid reasons) or are the kinds of parents who just play video games all day when they have children to support, or won’t contribute to the household in any way at all (financial/cooking/household chores/childcare). If you’ve spent 40 years being a reasonably productive human, then I doubt laziness is your main issue.

        1. Ali G*

          Wow! Thank you all! Who knew there would be such positive and supportive random interweb strangers :)
          I really appreciate your comments. I start new health insurance on April 1 and I very much am going to prioritize some form of therapy. And I’ve known for a while I need to start exercising again, but I keep putting it off.
          Thank you again for all your kind words!

      6. Vincaminor*

        For me, the tipping point was thinking to myself, very clearly, “I can’t do this anymore.”
        If you were staggering under a heavy weight, no one (including you, I hope!) would blame you for putting it down, or asking for help carrying it. For me, asking myself if I needed help was the cue that yes, I did.
        You deserve support and taking care of yourself. You could start by googling low cost counseling in your area? I started by going to my gp and saying “Halp.”
        Re: your mention of being vitamin D deficient – when I saw same gp recently, she told me she’s basically “prescribing” everyone a D supplement because odds are they need it! (Not much sunshine. Not much shirtsleeve weather.)

      7. paul*

        If your’e asking if you need help I’d default to yes. I’m highly biased here of course, but I’ve found it helpful. My old therapist left the state (I foudn out this week after calling her old practice to see if I could get in) but really, it can be ag odsend.

      8. Not a Mere Device*

        If you have a GP/primary care physician, talk to them about it. (I saw below that you have health insurance as of April 1; you could call Monday and ask about making an appointment for April.) The first time I saw my current doctor, one of the things they handed me with the new patient paperwork was a depression screening form, so they likely have some idea of where to start.

    14. Tuna Casserole*

      I had a health scare this week, but all of the tests came back negative, so WHEW! Then all the stress caught up with me and I had a massive headache. Better now. Drinking tea with a kitty on my lap.

    15. Kay*

      I’m kind of struggling this week. At least largely because it’s been a good week for my husband’s drinking, which means that something bad is due soon. (He’s a high-functioning alcoholic.) And I just…am tired and am not sure I can cope with it with the way I know I’ll need to.

      Work is also really ramping up and my anxiety is spiking. I’m six weeks away from the culmination of a project that I’ve been working on for 18 months, and all I can see is what still needs to be done.

      I did find a therapist who I like enormously and it’s been a good relief to be able to talk to someone in person about these things, so that’s a plus.

    16. Red*

      I found martial arts really helped me when I was dealing with untreated PTSD – I hope this works just as well for you! Truly, it was amazing.

      My birthday is coming up next week. It’s a strange feeling. I thought (and hoped, at points) that I wouldn’t make it to this point, and yet here I am. I should send my psychiatrist a “congratulations” card.

      2. paul*

        One caveat; if your trauma has to do with violence, martial arts may be kind of triggering. I found the hard way that grappling arts really leave me in a bad space mentally, which is part of why I went with TKD and muy thai.

        1. Red*

          I think that’s why they worked so well for me – my ptsd is because of an incredibly violent event, but the discipline of TKD really helped with the anger and such

    17. no name here anon*

      My fiancee left me because of my anxiety and OCD. I do admit I am not easy to live with even with medication and therapy. We had a fight which was partially my fault. She made a dinner to celebrate our 4th dating anniversary and 6 month anniversary of us getting engaged and living together. She didn’t give me the right kind silverware. I can only eat with the ones that are mine. I know these are my issues. I shouldn’t have yelled. The fight was partially my fault. She stormed out and has called it off. She paid the rent to the end of the lease and cut off all contact from me. I know I have issues and I am working on them. She won’t even talk to me. Ever since she left things have been rough. Thank you for listening.

      1. Book Lover*

        I am so very sorry. It sounds so hard to be in the grip of something like this. I hope it gets better.

    18. HannahS*

      I commented last weekend that I was having a tough time due to my chronic health issues kind of–not flaring up, exactly, but just being a bit worse that usual and I was really upset that I was having trouble coping with it. The upside is that I had a better week this past week, largely helped by my mom in another city calling me every morning to make sure I wasn’t sleeping through my alarms. One morning I made an effort to exercise more which was disastrous and I’m still in considerable pain 3-4 days later and used more painkillers than I usually do. So that sucks. But I’ve made strides towards meeting with an OT to get some help with my mobility, and I’m fairly sure I’ll soon be living in a condo with a pool so that I can try to take up swimming again. Provided I keep up with the PT for my shoulders, swimming is an ok, if inconvenient, form of exercise for me to do. So, I’m cautiously optimistic, seeing that if I can just manage to regulate my sleep, everything else seems to work out ok.

    19. paul*

      My wife and kids left for a 10-day visit to her extended family back east the day I went out of state to bury my grandfather; they’re coming back *late* tomorrow. My aunt and cousin broke down pretty badly at the funeral and my mom was pissed about it, which made me mad. Yeah her and grandpa didn’t get along but he was the closest thing my cousin had to a father (his bio-dad is a worthless POS and I hope he dies badly–he tried to bill my cousin for the little child support he ever actually payed once Cousin hit 18). Of course they were broken up…JFC.

      I’ve…not been handling it all very well. About 2 handles of Old Crow this week, combined with near violent cleaning of the house. Squarely into “physician heal thyself” territory here. At least the house looks good! Nightmares every damn night this week. Rogue One and Kelly’s Heroes this afternoon after a long hike this AM though. Hopefully no dreams tongiht!

    20. Book Lover*

      I had written a huge long spiel, but really, it comes down to – how do you live with yourself for bringing new life into this world where there is global warming and mass extinction and complete madmen in charge of deciding whether to start a nuclear war. I am having a hard time right now….

      1. Junior Dev*

        It’s hard. I’m trying my best to do what I can to keep myself and others safe in the little corner of the world I can influence. I think that’s all we can do.

        Regarding the political situation, it’s helped me to remember that there has always been suffering and violence in the world. I don’t blame anyone who thinks now is particularly bad, but I also think the fundamental challenge of being a person and not drowning in despair when there’s war and oppression and cruelty and disasters is kind of the same as it’s always been.

        1. Book Lover*

          I feel guilty being worried about my kids when I see the desperate faces of those trying to flee the Syrian catastrophe. But I just…. ugh.

          1. Junior Dev*

            Guilt isn’t productive here. I know it’s easy for me to say that, but it’s really not helping the Syrian kids for you to feel bad about worrying about your own, you know?

            Is there anything you can do–preferably a routine of volunteering or calling representatives or automatic donations you can set up–to help people that are more affected by these problems? That might help you feel less powerless about it.

            1. Book Lover*

              I donate to MSF, among others. But it really is something that requires political leadership, if anything is to change.

      2. Windchime*

        The current political situation is distressing, but the bright spot for me has been the surge of activism from our young citizens who are approaching voting age. So maybe focus on the fact that there the hope for our future is in our younger generation, and that includes the person that you brought into the world. I hope that’s a helpful thought for you.

        1. Book Lover*

          I will march on Saturday and perhaps it will make me feel better. It all seems futile. And maybe there will be change come November, or maybe same old same old. Rich powerful people get to do whatever they want without consequence and other people suffer.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        If we could zoom out 30 years and you could see this child doing major things to save the planet and save people, how differently would you feel now?

        After the WTC, I deliberately read the birth announcements to see that life indeed will go on. Each child is an affirmation for hope. Some day I will be old and this will become other people’s world. They will have skills that I do not have and I did not need for my lifetime. Each generation has their own thing that they do well. I think every generation carries a certain amount of despair/concern for future generations.

        The best thing I think to give a child (speaking only as a former child, not as a professional) is to teach children how to teach themselves things. Information is coming at us faster and faster. Technology is moving at a crazy clip. We are going into an era where being able to teach ones self on whatever topic will be necessary for survival.

    21. Windchime*

      My sister, who is also my best friend, moved away from my town last week. She is still fairly close by (3 hour drive) and will be coming back weekly for at least awhile to check in at her office. This has left me feeling more anxious than is comfortable, so I think I need to go back to my doctor and consider upping my anxiety meds.

      I’ve lived with anxiety my entire life and I hate it so much. Hate, hate, hate.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      Still figuring out how my anxiety manifests itself. Last year, I discovered it’s fight before flight, and if fight is allowed to go unchecked, it turns into a panic attack. Now I’m realizing that if I start to snark about something, like a potential job, it’s probably because I’m anxious about it. But I guess recognizing your reactions is half the battle, eh?

    23. Scott L*

      I have horrible insomnia. Not just “it takes me an hour to fall asleep,” but the kind where sometimes I don’t sleep at all for two days and feel terrible, then I sleep just a couple hours.

      I went for evaluation at a sleep clinic but didn’t fall asleep so had to go back a second night. I don’t have sleep apnea, and have tried all the suggestions: turkey and warm milk, dark room, no screens 2 hours before bedtime, extensive exercise, etc.

      My doctor put me on medication finally (Ambien) but I have really mixed feelings about this. It’s working great–I’m sleeping six hours without waking up once–but I feel that this is “artificial,” i.e. I’m not sleeping because my body is tired, I’m sleeping because of a drug.

      Not sure what I’m asking, but thought I’d bring this up in case anyone else has a similar problem. If it means anything, my dad is the exact same way, but he’s retired so he can and does sleep whenever he wants, some days from midnight to four, others from 1-5 in the afternoon!

      1. fposte*

        There’s also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder–did that get mentioned at all?

        While I get you on the artificial assistance thing, I’d think of it as being like a cane for sleeping. Maybe one day you won’t need one, but right now you need to get there and that’s what allows you to do it.

      2. Nines*

        I know a lot of people have had horrible experiences with Ambien but it’s been a real lifesaver for me.
        Generally when I’m in a pretty good place (for me) I try to only use it every other night, even if that means I won’t sleep a full nights sleep on the off nights. When I’m really struggling I go back to every night. But the every other night pattern helps me feel like I’m not hostage to the medication. Just an idea. YMMV

      3. SS Express*

        The way I think of it is: bodies kind of suck sometimes. They’re meant to work in a certain way, but they’re so complex that there’s almost always at least one component that doesn’t do what it’s meant to. Sometimes our eyes don’t see as clearly as they could, or our lungs don’t breathe as deeply as they could, or our legs don’t walk, or the chemicals in our brains make us sad for no real reason. It’s not how our bodies ideally “should” work, but it’s unfortunately how they do work. So we get glasses and inhalers and wheelchairs and antidepressants that allow us to do (or approximate) the things we “should have” been able to do anyway, were it not for our bodies being annoyingly imperfect. It’s not about using human-made products to make our bodies do stuff that doesn’t come naturally, but rather about correcting the bugs in the system so our bodies can do what they “should” have been doing “naturally” all along.

        1. Junior Dev*

          This is such a clever way of putting it. I’m too concerned with physical side effects to worry about the philosophical implications of taking meds right now but it’s come up for me in the past. When I find the right balance of meds I don’t feel good or stoned or numb or strung out; I feel normal.

          I have emotional reactions proportional to the things that inspired them. I feel tired when I do a lot of exhausting things, but I don’t feel tired by the very thought of existing in the world. I get upset when upsetting things happen but I’m able to figure out what to do next instead of freezing in terror or breaking down crying.

          People who assume I want to feel something other than normal when they find out I take meds have no idea what it’s like to live in my body, with my experiences, viewing the world through the emotional lens I do.

  6. Amey*

    Following on from the makeup thread a couple weeks ago, I’m trying to shake up my daytime natural makeup routine. I normally wear a light foundation, mascara and a bit of eyeliner and just some natural lip balm or lipstick depending on what I’m doing.

    The liner is no longer working for me as a look. I’d like to just use mascara but I have basically no lower lashes, they’re tiny and don’t really seem like a complete set. But my eyes look weird with just the top defined! A bit of liner on the bottom used to balance it out, but it gets smudgy and doesn’t look super professional. Any tips?

    1. Al Lo*

      I often use some dark shadow on my bottom lash line, rather than defined eyeliner. These days, I don’t go all the way along the bottom lid, but just sort of smudge/soft line the corner. It’s not a smoky eye, but it gives a little more to that outer corner/ bottom. You mention that it’s too smudged; can you lean into that a bit and make it more intentional?

      For eye makeup in particular, though, a setting spray and a good primer can do wonders. I know there are lots of good brands for that; Urban Decay is a good one.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        The Urban Decay eyeshadow primer is amazing. Just apply before you apply your eye makeup, allow to dry, and apply makeup as normal. And your makeup will stay put.

    3. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I have always just done mascara on top, and then a lighter colored liner on the bottom – I use a golden brown, for example, and I only put liner where the lashes grow, and smudge it a bit. It ends up looking like I have lashes, but not super noticeable.

    4. Nana*

      Is permanent make-up feasible for you? I have eyeliner (very thin line) done every five years…with a Groupon, of course. Love it. Very subtle and a make-up game-changer.

    5. Totallt Minnie*

      I have trouble with crayon style makeups with my skin, so I always use eyeshadow and an angle brush instead of an eyeliner. It doesn’t seem to smudge as much as a standard eyeliner.

    6. LemonLyman*

      Do you use black eyeliner? That could be why it’s such a stark difference. Have you tried something lighter like gray? If I line, I use Stila Smudge liner in a gray color and then smudge it out a little. It accentuates the eyes and looks more shadow-like without being very eyeliner-looking. Also, rather than lining your upper lid, have you tried tightlining? For a lack of better description, that’s basically lining your upper lash line (at the roots) rather than the lid itself. It is hardly detectable and gives the illusion of thicker upper lashes. I use a gel liner (my preference, but you can use whatever) and angle my pencil or brush upward and line from under (not above) the upper lash line. I find that using a pot gel and a brush makes it easier for me to get at the roots between the lashes. It helps to put a mirror on a table below you or to kind of look up. (There are YouTube videos that explain tightlining. Personally, I stay away from using powder for this technique.)

      Like you, I have very few lower lashes but the ones I have are LONG! So if I put mascara on them, it looks like I have spider legs under my eyes. I usually don’t wear mascara on the lower lashes and since I tightline the upper (rather than lining the lid) it doesn’t look so off balanced.

    7. Sunflower*

      Every pencil eyeliner I used smudges- now I use gel liner and the smudge problem is gone. Maybelline is a good drug store one but Bobbi Brown is my fav since it’s waterproof so I think it wears longer.

      1. LemonLyman*

        I’ve had the same problem and I agree about gel, too. I always go for the pots since I hate having to sharpen pencils. I can never get them sharp enough and I feel like I’m wasting product.

  7. London Calling*

    It’s snowing in London. Again. I am a winter person normally but I am entirely over this winter and want it to just stop.

    1. London, London, her er London*

      It’s snowing in Copenhagen as well. Last year it kept snowing all the way through April… I’m starting to suspect that someone has actually cancelled spring without telling the rest of us.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I don’t know if you mean north east England or north east US, but I’m in the former and I am getting very tired of being cold and wet outside every day! Come on spring!!

    6. Rebecca*

      I’m in central Pennsylvania, USA, and am also totally over winter! Yesterday after work, it was windy, as in 20 MPH + wind and 33 degrees :( it felt like January. And we’re having snow squalls. To make matters worse, pictures “on this day” on my Facebook page are showing me taking pictures of blooming daffodils! This year we’re still locked in the frozen tundra, with no relief in sight. And they’re forecasting snow on Tuesday and Wednesday. I wish I was in the South.

      1. London Calling*

        Oh yeah, the trees are starting to bud and last night on the way home I could see some were already out in blossom. Ha, this wind’ll teach them not to get all flaunty just because SPRING is coming!

        Sigh. Heating up, blanket out.

      2. Cruciatus*

        In my neck of PA we’re nearly about to break a U.S. cities record currently held by Buffalo of 199.4 inches (506.48cm). We. Are. Over. It. It snowed six feet in 2 days over Christmas. We’re currently at 193″. Mercy! It usually snows this late into March but since we already broke our snow records IN DECEMBER we are ready for just about any other weather.

        1. London Calling*

          Cripes. What on earth am I complaining about? One hundred and ninety three inches? that’s sixteen feet!!

        2. Rebecca*

          Oh, I am so sorry about that! At least where I am we didn’t get a ton of snow, just little snowfalls here and there that cause slippery roads and shoveling :(

        3. Belle di Vedremo*

          Wow! Does this move your city into Golden Snowball contention? Sounds like you could win it this year!

          1. Cruciatus*

            Oh, we’re winning it. I refuse any other possibility at this point! We’re always in contention (and have won a few times in recent years), but the nearest city is like 40″ below us this year so we’ve definitely got it on lock this year. Yaaaay?

            1. Mm Hmm*

              Ha. It’s all yours! I’m in one of the Golden Snowballs contender places, too. We’re a couple feet over our average, with no desire to catch up with you folks!

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I opened up the windows yesterday and did some gardening in the sun (on my lunch hour working from home). It was marvelous and the cats sure appreciated the time in the yard and sitting in the window breeze.

      Unfortunately cats don’t understand changes of weather and now there has been much crying and confusion given today’s weather.

    8. Mrs. Fenris*

      Atlanta here. Our winters are mild, but dammit, it IS winter. The trees are starting to bloom and it looks like it should be really pleasant outside, but it isn’t. No snow, thank goodness. We had snow on December 8, when we NEVER have snow before New Year’s, and none since then.

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        Please send me your summer! It snowed again here yesterday and I almost cried. I am DONE with snow.

    10. Quickbeam*

      Here in Wisconsin we really are not in the clear until mid-May. Sort of makes a mockery of Beltane.

    11. Valancy Snaith*

      No snow in my neck of Ontario, but it was -18 today, which is 0 Fahrenheit. So we still have about two solid feet of snow on the ground that’s accumulated all winter. I haven’t set foot in my own backyard since November. Where is spring?

    12. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t like winter much, but I kind of wish I could be there. People I know keep posting pictures and honestly, London can be really pretty in the snow. Winter is the only time I haven’t visited.

      And yes, it’s because the Arctic is warming up. Sorry, but I think you’ll have to get used to it.

    13. G*

      Im trapped in my village in Northamptonshire, the roads are icy and perilous. I like a snow day but this is getting ridiculous now. The spring equinox is on Tuesday. I might not be able to get to work tomorrow if this doesn’t clear up which means they won’t let me have Saturday off. I promised my Mum I would babysit for her that day.

  8. ..Kat..*

    Hi all. Yesterday I was rear ended in my car. It was low speed. Since the air bags of the person who hit me did not deploy, can I assume that my car is okay? For what it’s worth, I have the name and insurance information of the person who hit me, plus the name and phone number of a witness who pulled over as well.

    1. American in Ireland*

      I hope your neck doesn’t hurt, and glad there were no serious injuries. The bumper likely took the force and there worse damage, but you might want to pay attention to your alignment when driving. When I was rear-ended (twice), both times the driver paid for it privately rather than go through insurance, but insurance rates are punitive here so that worked out best for both parties.

    2. Helpful*

      Airbags deploying are not the indicator. The car can still get messed up. Take your car to your mechanic and get them to look it over. You may also want to get looked over by a doc depending on the speed at which you were hit.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah. Get the car checked out and go to the doc – if there is anything wrong, you want to know now, not later. Also, it will save worrying over it, at least if you’re anything like me :)

    3. Blackcat*

      Neck injury symptoms can show up weeks later, so don’t assume you’re in the clear on that front. And I’d definitely have the car checked out by a trustee mechanic. Something small (eg tail lights) or major (bending of the wheel casing) may have happened and not be noticed.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Yes, I had a low speed accident years ago and had mild problems for years. It didn’t help that my head was turned when it happened. My chiropractor said that sometimes these low speed accidents cause a surprising amount of damage.

        Most likely, your car did it’s job and protected you from serious harm so definitely get it checked out by a mechanic.

    4. Drop Bear*

      I’d get it checked out. I was rear ended without any air bag deployment and my chassis was bent out of shape even though to the naked eye there was only some minor bumper damage. Admittedly I have a very small car and she was driving a ‘tank’ but better to be sure than sorry.

      1. copy run start*

        Yes, my car was backed into by a pickup and the back …piece? of my trunk had to be replaced. My car is small enough that the pickup missed the bumper and shock absorbers and went straight into the metal. It was expensive.

    5. Enough*

      Airbags are no indicator of damage. Airbags deploy to protect the passengers. It’s about the force of impact.

    6. neverjaunty*

      No, don’t assume that. Cars have a lot of little fiddly bits and parts to absorb impact – you don’t want to drive around with those broken! Do make a police report (you don’t have to call 911, just call nonemergency or go in to the station) and report to your insurance company.

      Also, carefully monitor how your body is doing; soft tissue injuries sometimes don’t show up right away. If you have any pain or stiffness in your neck, back or limbs, get to a doctor!

    7. Clever Name*

      It will be on the other person’s insurance, so I’d get it checked out just to be sure. You won’t owe any money. Same with any medical expenses you incur as a result. Their insurance will pay.

    8. Penny Lane*

      Next time, what you do is you call the police and wait there til they come and make a report. You don’t just exchange numbers and walk away.

      And the other person’s airbags deploying have nothing to do at all with assessing the damage to your car.

        1. Someone else*

          Where I live, if the total damage across the entire accident is over $500, you’re required to file a police report. That pretty much means anyone who gets in almost any accident (unless the two parties agree to walk away and neither intends to make a claim) is probably going to need to file a report because even minor fixes on one or the other car, and especially both, almost always pass that threshold. Not that you definitely need police onsite. It is possible to file one separately later, but in many cases it’s easier if the cops just come. They’d not refuse to come unless there were some kind of major catastrophe happening pulling everyone on duty to it.

    9. Trixie*

      OMG, me too! Just got this car two months ago :( Car behind me did a number of my bumper and both my air bags deployed. My insurance company is filing claim with insurance company of driver (we’ll call her Rebecca) who was beside herself. All over the police, saying it was her fault. Now I have to wait for her insurance folks to look at damage on my car and determine what they’ll pay. (Plus rental car?) Granted this car was 2014 but only had 33K and was in MINT condition.
      Here’s my question. I put down a good size down payment but majority is still financed. I was planning to put down two sizable payments to pay off as quickly as possible before this happened. Wondering if I should still pay off as much as I can now. Not sure if this is question for my financial or car insurance folks.
      Kat, hope you’re feeling okay!

      1. copy run start*

        I would make only the regular payments until you find out what the damage estimate is. The insurance companies will look at the estimate vs. the value of the car and determine whether it’s totaled or not. Different companies have different formulas I think, it’s not always just that the cost to repair > value of car.

        If it is totaled, you may owe money if the amount of money you can get from the insurance agency is less than what you owe on it. (You can negotiate that amount somewhat if you can find better comps I believe.) I would check to see if you have gap insurance.

    10. Lady Jay*

      I was rear-ended about a year ago, with no visible damages. I drove the car right in to an auto body shop near me and got them to crawl underneath and look at the parts of the car most likely to have been damaged; by having the check done right away, any damage spotted would be linked to the accident.

      There was no damage, and I wound up not getting a thing done, but it was nice to have the car checked in case.

    11. DietCokeHead*

      I would take your car to a body shop and get it checked out just in case. I’m glad no one was injured and I hope you continue to feel OK!

    12. MeM*

      I’ve had someone hit my back bumper several times over 10 years. Beyond the cosmetic damage, there are parts within the bumper that “take the impact.” They are basically good for one impact at ~5 mph. The repair shop will first give you an estimate for repairing the outer damage, and will tell you that they can’t tell if the interior needs repair until they take the bumper off. For me, this makes the repair cost between $700 and $1500, depending on final damage report. I have always gone through insurance.

      It is important to get it repaired – right now, you may be driving with a bumper that will no longer protect you in a low impact accident as it is designed to.

    13. Merci Dee*

      I got rear-ended a month ago, and ended up with $4,000 worth of damage to the rear of my car. Initial estimates were in the $1,500 range, but there was tons more damage when the body shop took off the rear bumper. The guy who hit me was going no more than 15 – 20 mph, and it was enough speed to crack his radiator and make his car undrivable since all his coolant was puddled on the road. Neither of our airbags deployed.

      1. Jen*

        My husband rear ended someone last month. Her car had $700 worth of damage and no damage to her person.

        My husband’s car had $18,000+ in damage. From a low speed (traffic, so like 5-10mph) read end. It was a 2017 bmw, which apparently has things like $1800 headlights, both of which were destroyed.

        Husband is in the dog house, let me tell you…

    14. Mm Hmm*

      No. My car was totaled with no air bags in either car.
      Also, know that in low impact collisions the humans (& any other critters) absorb the bulk of the impact. In high impact collisions the bulk is absorbed by the vehicles. So pay attention to any aches & pains that show up over the next while.

    15. Vincaminor*

      Adding to the chorus of check the car, check you. A few years back, I slid off the road at low speed and hit an outcrop – airbags did not deploy and I felt only a small bump, but the chassis was skewed from true by more than an inch. Don’t go by the airbags when it’s (literally) your neck!

    16. ..Kat..*

      Thanks for the advice. I and my neck are truly okay. Am getting my car checked out. I had no idea that this could be a big deal for my car. As I have said before: better living through AAM!

      1. Elizabeth H.*

        If I noticed zero visible damage I would ignore it, for what it’s worth. It depends on how hard the collision was I guess – every time a very minor collision has happened to me it’s never even occurred to me to take it to mechanics to check for extra damage to the car, so maybe if the collision was hard enough to exchange numbers, and maybe hard enough to damage the other person’s car? it might be worth it. That’s the kind of thing we ignore in our family though and all our cars last a million years. We have old cars though which are maybe more durable.

    17. SophieChotek*

      I am glad to hear you are okay.

      I was rear-ended last weekend; my air-bags did not even deploy. (For those who urged me to turn the claim in and have an estimate) — the minor scratch mark is still going to cost $1,150 to fix. (Shock).

      I would have your car looked at and turn in a claim.

    18. SS Express*

      Airbags only deploy if the car is going over a certain speed. In a low speed collision they generally won’t deploy regardless of how severe the impact is, so no, it doesn’t necessarily mean your car is okay.

  9. Anonymous Ampersand*

    Turns out my mortgage application that was supposed to have been put in on 26 January DIDN’T EXIST.

    I am so angry with the mortgage firm. They are award winning and big but something went seriously wrong.

    My own application is going well. But there’s a chance I won’t be successful in interviewing for my role in work next week and will have to find another internal job which would be mega stressful and potentially put everything in jeopardy so please keep all fingers and toes crossed for my mortgage.

    I’m hoping I can get back into my flat for the end of this month. I just want to he able to move on now. It’s hard for all of us, including my ex, and I don’t want to prolong this limbo for us all.

    1. Thlayli*

      Grrr. I HAATTTEEE mortgage companies. My own has given me information that later turned out to be incorrect pretty much every single time I’ve interacted with them. I don’t know if they just don’t train their staff well, or if they deliberately mislead customers. Im starting to suspect they deliberately mislead their employees, because they can’t all be that incompetent and they can all be such brazen and cheerful liars.

      Their most recent series of lies has cost me €1200. So I’m pretty annoyed.

      It’s so annoying that your company’s failure could potentially screw the entire thing. If you lose your job you won’t be able to get a mortgage for a while. And it’s not like you’ll get to stop paying rent in the meantime!

      I hope it gets sorted for you.

    2. Reba*

      I’m in a different country, so doubtlessly the processes are different, but our big, national mortgage company also screwed up so many times. From sending lots of sensitive info unprotected over email (!!!) to reading the wrong line so they miscalculated the actual amount they were contracting for (!!!!!!) leading to a phone call along the lines of, “Well, the options are, we can redo it, or you can bring $16,000 more to the closing tomorrow.” Which do you think we chose?

      This is also how I learned that lots of companies give a bazillion people the title Vice President — it has no meaning but is just meant to make you feel you’re talking to someone important and/or competent.

  10. Long Time First Time*

    I’d love some advice on how to talk to a friend who has relationship problems!

    Or rather, ‘a lack of relationship’ problem. She’s in her late twenties and has never been in a relationship – the one time she thought she was, she found out about 6 months in that she was the other woman! And yet she continued to see the guy on/off for over a year. She is plagued by low self-esteem and seems to only be attracted to guys who use her for sex and never want to see her again. She’s constantly trying to put herself out there but she ends up in the same situation. She is a beautiful, smart, wonderful woman and I want so badly for her to be happy with herself, and find someone who treats her well.

    I guess my question is – what can I say? What can I do? We live on opposite sides of the country so I don’t see her regularly, I just get texts bemoaning how fed up she is, and complaining about the latest guy that jerked her around. I used to try offering advice because the methods she chooses to meet guys (getting drunk and going home with guys she meets out) seems to lead to her not meeting great guys, but I want to avoid shaming her for her lifestyle – she claims she really likes going out and partying and if it makes her happy that’s great! But it just doesn’t seem like it’s making her happy.

    Lately I just try to play generic supportive friend role and say ‘Wow, what a jerk’ etc. But is that enough? I just never know what to say! Has anyone been on either side of this situation and have thoughts?

    1. American in Ireland*

      The essential problem is low self esteem, and she is caught in an endless trap of looking to others to validate her, which includes both the dating scene and also in her interactions with you. Unfortunately, only she can change how she views herself. I think I would encourage her to not date, but to get busy doing other social things, volunteering, dance class, women’s book club, sports or running club. What are her interests?

      1. Triplestep*

        I was going to say exactly this, only I would add that a good counselor could help her with her self-esteem issues.

        Also, I would say that helping her to see that her way of meeting men is not leading to the kinds of relationships she truly wants is not “shaming” her. It’s pointing out a pattern she perhaps is not seeing for herself. She can continue to do it if she wants to, but maybe not look at it as a means to an end.

    2. .*

      I personally can’t put up with people who are chronic complainers, of course everybody vents and shit happens, but always hearing about their failed love life… I wouldn’t engage in those conversations and steer away to more interesting or just light-hearted topics.

      You can’t change people who don’t wanna change, or their behavior. I know it might sound a bit cliché but finding a loving relationship starts with loving yourself. Low self-esteem isn’t gonna be solved by a person and is asking a lot from a relationship. The fact that she was okay with being with a cheater is very sad and telling. She doesn’t believe she deserves better and lets men step over her boundaries over and over again.
      I really love Heather’s kind words in this article:
      “The relationship that matters the most right now is the one you have with yourself. Build that relationship. […] You are worthy of love. You know that in your heart already. You’re done with living in chaos and confusion. You’re exhausted, from working so hard for so long, just to run in circles. So be kind to yourself. You’re going to live a new life now. You’re strong enough. You were always strong enough, you just didn’t know it until now.” https://www.thecut.com/2017/12/ask-polly-how-do-i-leave-my-lying-cheating-boyfriend.html

      She has some other columns tangent to this topic, if that’s your style, I know she’s not for everybody. Hope your friend finds happiness.

    3. Thlayli*

      She needs to be happy with herself first, then find someone to be happy with her. It also seems she has a high desire for sex. I sympathise with that!

      Maybe you Could suggest to her that she stop thinking of guys she’s sleeping with as “boyfriends” until they pass some sort of threshold. I used to have distinct sets – shag pals, boyfriends, friends with benefits, and guys I was dating. That way you get the sex but you don’t get the emotional stuff until you decide you want it.

      Maybe advise her to think about it this way and it might help her separate her desire for sex from her desire for an emotional attachment.

      In case it helps I’ll tell how I used to do it (before I got married). I would get quite anxious if I didn’t know where my next sex was coming from. So for me the first priority would be to find a sex buddy. Starting from a position of having no-one I would go out clubbing every weekend and meet guys. I’d also have my eyes open for flirting opportunities during the day (except at work – never a good idea). This way I would meet lots of guys. Depending on the level of attraction/drunkenness I might sleep with them or just get their number. But always i would first screen for sexual attractiveness and only chat to / flirt with guys I found attractive physically. Next check for personality attractiveness. This would be flirting, chatting, maybe a little kissing.
      If they were obnoxious I might consider a one night stand if I was desperate and hadn’t had sex in 3 months, but they definitely wouldn’t be considered for a shag pal position.
      Assuming they pass the physically and personality attractiveness stage, I would usually not have a one-night stand with them, because that’s usually a good way to ensure you WONT see them again, but this depends on context. Sometimes you go home with a guy based on nothing but drop dead good looks and it turns out he has a personality! So then you look into shag pal options. But usually at this stage you’d be looking at a first date.

      At the date I’d be screening for suitability as a boyfriend/partner. Do they have baggage (eg ex wife and kids). Are our goals aligned? What do they work at? Are they smart and ambitious? Are they a smoker? Do they want to settle down and get married some day (not necessarily to me). If they don’t pass this stage then I wouldn’t consider them for boyfriend, but I might consider them for shag pal, so I would start asking about sexual positions they liked, what’s the longest orgasm you’ve ever given a woman etc. Based on that then I’d either say bye bye or go home for the practical exam for the shag pal position, or else say good night with a nice kiss and a squeeze but no sex and go for a second date.

      Usually one night stands are the easiest to find but the lowest quality, so that would be just if I was desperate. Shag pals are guys who are good enough in bed to keep around (must be able to give good orgasm and have a bit of a laugh between sessions). And once I got past date 2 with a guy (a rare event) I would start clearing the decks of the other guys and date 3 would be the special one. We would have a special date and go home for nice sex – no kinky stuff, this guy is auditioning for a long term role, not a cameo. Needs to be all quality no gimmicks. I had a strict rule of only sleeping with one guy between mentrual periods (just in case of a contraception slip-up) so to get to this stage could take a few weeks.

      Assuming he passes that test we would have more and more emotional talks, and eventually mutually confirm verbally that from that point forward we would be exclusive (including kissing ie no kissing anyone else) and open and honest with each other, and would call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. At that point we would be “official”. This could be months later.

      So for me the priority would be: 1 make sure I have enough shag pals that I can be sure of getting a decent ride and having a laugh at least once a month. Then 2 put some real time and commitment into finding a long term partner without the pressure of having to have sex right away.

      This worked for me. It might not work for your buddy. But maybe you can convince her to make a mental separation between “guys I’m havinf sex with” and “guys I’m emotionally involved with”. It seems she’s fallen into the trap of assuming that because she’s had sex with a guy she has to give it a shot with him. Help her give herself permission to mark it up to experience and move on, to decide to keep him on as a shag pal while continuing to look for a proper partner (both parties aware of and consenting to this relationship), or if she really likes a guy, to get his number and give him a chaste kiss at the end of the night and arrange a proper date.

      Let her know that it’s ok to do these things, and she doesn’t owe a guy anything emotionally just because they had a drunken one night stand.

      1. Thlayli*

        Just in case it’s not totally clear, the shag pal thing needs to be mutually agreed that it’s just sex and fun, not emotional. Friends with benefits, shag pal, sex buddies, whatever. Just make it crystal clear it’s not exclusive and it’s not about emotion. In my experience guys can only handle this for a few months coz then they start getting all clingy and want to go out properly, that’s the time to end it before someone gets hurt. It’s also good to have a few shag pals coz since your not exclusive either of you can meet someone else at any time then you’re high and dry and back to square one.

        Sometimes you can move between categories, but it rarely works out. I had one guy I was friends with for years, shag pals for almost a year (we lived in different European countries so we used to meet for a weekend every few months in different cities like Paris or Amsterdam), then we became officially boyfriend and girlfriend and it only lasted 2 months. ‘‘Twas a shame but sure that’s life.

      2. INTP*

        I think these categories make a lot of sense for some people, but it hasn’t worked out for any of my friends with low self esteem around men. They wind up getting attached to the shag pals even if they don’t like them very much as humans, I think probably because something in them needs those guys to prove that they are lovable by falling in love with them. I have a lot of friends that try this over and over again, but it seems to end in pain or drama every time. I also don’t know that it’s healthy for someone that has a serial issue with winding up in relationships where they’re being used to be in a relationship where they’re explicitly being used for sex, even if it’s mutual use.

        I have no issue with casual sex itself in any form that’s consensual and where both sides are transparent about their intentions, btw. My secondhand experience is just that people with low self esteem about relationships in particular and crave validation in that arena aren’t able to maintain those emotional boundaries and it’s not good for them. It would probably be better for OP’s friend to take a break from the casual sex awhile, long enough to break the cycle, and learn to feel the difference between really liking someone and wanting him to like her because she’s already slept with him.

        1. OhNo*

          That whole thing of wanting/needing a sex buddy to fall in love with you is something I’ve seen in some of my friends as well. I think western culture and western media plays into that, too – there are a ton of movies based around the idea that if you bone enough, you’ll fall in love, and if you fall in love, that will magically Solve Everything.

          Might be worth suggesting, though. One of my friends managed a lot of her anxiety around dating/men by making every feeling and interaction a conscious choice. As in, “I am going to have a one-night stand with this dude, I am not going to call him again, and if he calls me I will ignore it, because even though part of me wants him to fall in love, I have decided in advance that a one night stand is all that this will be.” It did wonders for cutting back on the pining, will-he-won’t-he emotional morass she was going through every time she met someone new.

          1. Thlayli*

            Exactly. Women are taught that we have to have emotional attachment to a guy if we’ve had sex with them – Im also convinced there’s some sort of chemical that makes you like a guy you’ve had sex with too. I remember my first time ever having a one-night-stand. It was a friend of mine, he was nice but I didn’t particularly fancy him let alone want to go out with him. We mutually decided to have sex since neither of us had anyone and we both wanted sex, and a day or two later I found myself thinking wistfully of how much I liked him and how we should get together. I realised that there must be some sort of hormonal thing going on and I said “hell no hormones you are not the boss of me,” reminded myself that I very much did NOT want to go out with him, and got over it. It was a bit difficult as I recall but I successfully taught myself to separate sex from emotions (something most men seem to be able to do much more easily than most women), and it totally changed my sex life. No more putting up with guys I didn’t really like coz I felt I would be being a “slut” by deciding it wasn’t for me after having sex.

            I’m not suggesting you tell her to go out and ride rings around herself, but she really does seem to like sex, so suggesting to her that she not have any at all is Unlikely to work. The key to breaking her cycle might just be to tell her to figure out how to separate sex from emotion in her head.

            But at the end of the day, she’s a grownup, she can figure out her own sex life. So the alternative suggested by someone else ofjust asking her if she wants advice or just wants you to listen is probably a better starting point than launching into a tirade in why she should have a shag pal.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              This is a good way to think of it. I think it’s also worth paying attention to yourself in terms of your own wants and needs–where are you in your life, and what do you want out of any relationships? Once you start thinking about forming a more permanent attachment in general, just getting laid is much less satisfying. In my twenties, I used to have no trouble with that sort of thing, but at the time, I didn’t want an attachment. Now I do, and it’s harder to think of someone as just a shag.

              I like the whole tell yourself how it’s gonna be beforehand thing, however. But I think the friend should take some time and figure out what she wants, and then look at dating people who want the same kind of thing rather than just whoever turns her on.

      3. Elizabeth H.*

        I love this comment! This is really similar to how I feel about sex and dating in a lot of ways. I like casual sex, but sometimes I also am looking for somebody to be in a relationship with and sometimes it can be challenging to try to look for both objectives at once. It sounds like you came up with a very systematic approach!
        I do think that in many cases, if you’re more on the market for long term potential it can make sense to have a no sex date first. I am not sure exactly why, but I think that for BOTH people, having sex the first time you meet someone can be a little bit of a challenge for future relationship – I think there’s just some subconscious thing for a lot of people to separate “relationship potential” from “sex potential.” That said, I have pretty much never successfully done this. Of my four serious relationships two started with having sex within hours of meeting (the other two I was friends with the person first for some time). The first time, I was just about at the point that OP’s friend is at (interested more in a relationship, but getting sick of going out to bars and trying to pick people up) and decided that I’d try NOT sleeping with someone right away on my next date, but then ended up going back to the guy’s house after an hour and a half at bar. We ended up dating for like three years, he’s still one of my closest friends and I met almost all my other friends and my current boyfriend through him. Another time I had a one night stand while on tour with my best friend (a musician) and it was so much fun I went back three months later for my spring break and stayed for eight days. So you really never know. I do think if I were on the market right now I’d try to have a non-sex date first as an initial strategy. Ultimately I think being absolutely clear about what you want from any given interaction is the most important thing.

    4. Oilpress*

      Let her manage her romantic life. Only provide advice if she is genuinely seeking your help. Otherwise, it sounds like she just wants someone to complain to. I wouldn’t blame you for not answering a lot of those texts either.

    5. Parenthetically*

      I have a friend like this. I’ve found it’s best to say, “Hey, when you complain about this situation, I want to get all advicey and tell you to totally change the way you do things romantically. And if you want me to keep saying that, I will, but I feel like it’s an unhelpful pattern for us to get into — you complaining and wanting to vent, me wanting to tell you how to run your life. I think it’s probably for the best if we just skip it and talk about other things.”

      1. Come On Eileen*

        I really like this approach and would suggest the same thing. So many of us get into uncomfortable patterns of conversation with friends and family – myself included – and I’m starting to learn that it’s often best to find a way to talk about that dynamic with the other person. It can be hard and uncomfortable to kick off, but ultimately addresses the fact that we’ve fallen into a pattern that’s not working, so let’s see if we can find a new and better way of connecting.

      2. Betsy*

        Gosh! I wish I could use this with my really complain-y friend. It sounds like great advice (but I may not be quite brave enough yet to use it). She’s a really lovely person, but I can’t handle the constant whining.

      3. Ali G*

        What would you say if she replied that she did really want your advice (but your past experience shows that she doesn’t listen to you)? Would you say something like “In the past I have given you what I thought was good advice and you didn’t take it. Why is that and what can I do differently to help you now?”

        1. Parenthetically*

          I think you can bring it back to an it’s-not-you-it’s-me thing: “I just don’t think it’s my place to tell you how to run your life and I don’t like indulging my control freak tendencies.” But yeah, depending on the frankness of your relationship, I think it’s absolutely fine to say, “Look, you don’t typically take my advice, which is your prerogative, so even if I did want to indulge my control freak tendencies and tell you how to do you, there doesn’t seem to be much use in me babbling on, right?”

      4. K.*

        I’ve done this twice. Once with a friend who was dating a terrible guy, and we had the same conversation for literally years until I said something similar to this. And another with a friend who has ONLY dated terrible guys, for very long periods of time, starting in high school. (The last one was particularly terrible – she recognized that he was emotionally abusive and started going to therapy after she split with him.)

        I had my own on/off situation with a guy who treated me poorly, and the first friend said more or less the same thing to me that I’d said to her. The answer to both our situations was “Break up with him, he’s trash,” but you have to be ready to take that in and sometimes that can take a while, and if you’re not ready to hear it, there’s not much more to say.

        1. Parenthetically*

          “you have to be ready to take that in and sometimes that can take a while, and if you’re not ready to hear it, there’s not much more to say.”

          This is True Truth.

    6. matcha123*

      Hmm…I’ve only had two real boyfriends and a very small number of “it’s complicateds.” I’m the one that started asking friends about how to meet people. One thing is that I am more cautious than your friend seems to be. It also sounds like she wants to be in a relationship so that she doesn’t feel alone. You could start by asking if she wants advice or wants to let off steam. If she wants advice, then go at it again.
      I don’t know. I never dated when I was in school and am very much behind my peers who are all starting to get married or are married or whatever. Does she have people around her who are in good relationships that can provide an example? I don’t have friends in my area that can provide examples of good relationships, and that makes it harder for me to judge if some behaviors are acceptable or not.

    7. Yams*

      Goodness. I’m on the same boat as your friend, just keep doing what you’re doing. There’s not much more you can do, and I’m sure she appreciates someone who is kind to her and listens to her problems. In my case if someone tells me they are annoyed at hearing me whine about men I cut it out, if you get annoyed it might be worth raising it with her.

    8. neverjaunty*

      You can point out “whatever it is you’re doing to meet good guys clearly isn’t working, so maybe try something different?” without shaming her for hook-ups. Gently point out there’s a pattern and suggest she try to look at ways to break the pattern. If you can make it about her having the tools to fix this, rather than being dumb or having bad judgment, that might work.

      (However, do accept that your chances of success are low. When people prefer familiar, comfortable patterns over happiness, they’ll sabotage themselves fifty ways to Sunday rather than change.)

    9. Not So NewReader*

      You could say, “Gee. I am so sorry this keeps happening to you. What do you think you would like to do differently so that you get different results?”
      There’s an expression, “If you do as you always did, you will get what you always got.” If we don’t want what we always got, we have to change what we always do.
      Let her figure out what she would like to change. People can be incredibly intuitive. They can go right to the core of the matter and make the exact change they need, as opposed to the change we THINK they need. Ha! That is one to watch, what we think and what is actually needed can be two different things. I like this type of open ended question because I don’t look like so much of a fool and I can stay in the conversation. And staying in the conversation is the whole point.

    10. AnonEMoose*

      Maybe try pointing her at the Captain Awkward and the Paging Dr. Nerdlove blogs? Then she can read at her leisure, do some thinking, and decide for herself if she wants to do anything differently. Heck, she could, if she wants, write to either or both.

      I don’t know how she’s feel about seeking some therapy. But it could help her find some ways to improve her self-esteem, which it seems is driving a lot of this. It’s one thing to sleep with a lot of guys because it’s what you want to do…and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it seems like she’s coming at it from an emotionally unhealthy place, and that doesn’t seem likely to end well for her.

    11. Emilie*

      I’d be very honest with her. That you of course understand her feelings, and that you’ll totally help her with good advice and support if she want’s to make a change in her life, but that it’s very hard to just sit by and listen to her complaints, since you care for her, and want her to have a succesful lovelife.

      The advice I’d personally give is that stepping back from it all have really helped me. I’ve totally enjoyed partying and one night stands, but at a point in my life I decided that I needed to sort myself out, and that I couldn’t do that while being intimate with a constant stream of new people (not that I felt like it was a bad thing – it was just taking up some focus, that I wanted to put on myself). So I went celibate. I set out a time frame, and it really helped me focus on myself and my needs.

      It might not be for everyone, but I thought I’d share it as a suggestion how to deal with these sort of things.

    12. Not A Party Girl*

      I had a friend who was in a very similar position. Her low self-esteem makes her always want to be in a relationship, even if the guy she’s with is not so great. In college, she seemed to have a new boyfriend every semester. It’s hard because my other friends and I tried to tell her that we love her for who she is, boyfriend or not, but I think she wanted to feel desireable by having a boyfriend.

      Honestly, there wasn’t anything we could say to her. She’s now in a serious relationship that’s doing her good, going on two years. There’s nothing I could do to talk her out of her pattern; she just got lucky in that she actually landed a good guy.

      Good luck!

    13. LilySparrow*

      The best thing I know to say to people who complain about the same thing over & over while making choices that exacerbate it is,

      “Wow. You seem really unhappy with this situation. What do you think you might do about it?”

  11. The Crusher*

    Today is my first 5K of the year! It’ll be windy and about 35 degrees F, so it’s unlikely to be a personal record for me. Around the end of mile 2 I’m sure I’ll be cursing my decision to open here this year.

    I have another race next week that I do every year and then I won’t race again until late April.

    1. CherryScary*

      Good luck! My husband and I are running our second one (ever) tomorrow, and I’m nervous because we haven’t been able to train in a week and a half due to moving and bad weather.

      1. The Crusher*

        I hope it goes well for you! I had an early fall race last year that I took some time off for and it didn’t go well, but moving is probably still giving you enough aerobic work that you won’t lose too much of your fitness.

  12. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

    So in a wild update from last week, my moving situation has gone from “ugh I’m going to be paying rent on two places for two months this summer” to “I’m getting my keys in TWO WEEKS.”

    My soon-to-be-former landlord received my notification of my intent to not renew and basically said “Okay, but how about if you don’t wait out your lease and instead leave IN A MONTH.” From what I can tell, I’m in one of the last apartments they haven’t renovated and they’ve been salivating to get me out so they can redo it and start charging someone half again as much as I’ve been paying. Which — not complaining!! Financially this works out better, I’m happy to not move in the middle of a grueling Baltimore summer, and I’m looking forward to being closer to the office, but I’m not used to moving on short notice so there’s this constant background radiation of SKREEEEE in the back of my head.

    Happily, my new landlord was just as happy for me to move in early — the unit I’m renting was already completely finished and ready for someone to move in, so the sooner I start paying for it the happier they are. This way, my folks will also be able to bring their massive van up and help me haul things, which reduces the stuff I need to pay movers $100/hr to deal with.

    So overall, very positive. But still.

    SKREEEEEEEEEEEEE

    1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      (As for why I’m sitting here typing this instead of packing… it’s 7am on a Saturday and I’m a little hesitant to start tromping around overhead quite so early. Living on a creaky top floor has made me very self-conscious about my morning-person habits. New place will be on the ground floor!)

      1. ValaMalDoran*

        I’d just like to say: you are an awesome, kind person. Thank you for the consideration for your neighbors. *glares at the ceiling*

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Congratulations! I’m breathing a major sigh of relief for you. So glad it worked out, and so well. Good luck with your move!

    9. Little Bean*

      You can do it, Countess! I once accepted a job that meant moving 500 miles with 3 weeks notice. And then my dog seriously injured himself and needed major surgery one week in. It was one of the most frantic, stressful periods of my life. Just make yourself a list of everything you need to do each day, sit down and get it done. You’ll be fine!

    10. DietCokeHead*

      That’s awesome! It sounds like this will work out for all involved. I hope your move goes smoothly!

    11. Merci Dee*

      Congrats! I’m so glad this worked out well for you! Packing and moving is a total pain in the backside, but it’s temporary. I hope you love your new place!

    13. FrontRangeOy*

      I once made a cross country move totally about 18 hours of drive time, on 5 days notice. While 6 months pregnant. From 1,000 feet of altitude to 6,000 plus feet of altitude. In July. To a high dessert environment. You can totally do this in 2 weeks! Congrats on getting the new place you wanted!

    14. Free Meerkats*

      Since they are going to immediately renovate, they should take the pressure off fixing picture hanging holes and worrying if the carpet is too dirty.

      1. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

        For real. I’m still gonna do everything I can to leave the place in good order, but hopefully they shouldn’t be getting on me about the carpet since they’re gonna rip it out and put in something nicer than Wholesale Beige anyway.

  13. Loopy*

    Feeling very burnt out from the thing we don’t talk about here. One night this week I was thinking of doing a self care night and just… none of the traditional things appealed to me. Bubble bath? nah. Painting my nails? Too much effort. Cooking a nice meal for myself? I have cooking haha.

    I tried to find some good mindless Netflix (thinking baking shows, house shows etc.) in the end but couldn’t get into anything (on that note I’m going through The Great British Bake Off withdrawal and the British home cooking show did not fix it, so any post GBBO recommendations are welcome)

    Does anyone have any non-typical ideas for a kind of relaxing self care weekend? I generally don’t like to drive around because traffic where I am is a stressor so maybe something inside? Literally thinking of a way to treat myself has become stressful. I must be doing something wrong.

    2. Srsly*

      Maybe a really long walk? You say you don’t like traffic, so I’m making the presumptive jump to you living in/near a city like I do. So maybe just walking 2-3 miles to something interesting (park, restaurant, tourist area?), chilling for a bit and then walking back would be good.

      Or if you don’t want to leave home, maybe find a beginner yoga tutorial on YouTube and follow along?

      Good luck with the relaxing!

    3. Jess*

      It’s such a personal thing, but if it was me, I’d be thinking along the lines of getting a massage /walk somewhere in nature (beach/park/trees) / meet up with a friend for cake and wine and put the world to rights / curl up on sofa with blankets, a good book, and a pot of tea / bake something nice (I also hate cooking, but love to bake) / go for a swim and time in jacuzzi. Sometimes if I’m feeling burnt out what I really need is a lazy weekend hanging out at home though.

    4. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      This one might be odd.

      I plan trips I will (probably) not go on. I’ll pull up flights in my area and pick somewhere interesting. Then I’ll look up places to stay. Wander around the area on Google maps. Find historical things that interest me there and go on a Wikipedia deep dive. I’ll pull up Instagram accounts of the area. Basically, do all the stuff I’d do if I was actually going there. Gets my brain into a vacation mindset, without ever leaving. (I’ll also look up recipes and cook a few, but since you don’t like cooking maybe skip that part. ;-) )

        1. Odelie*

          Me three! I do this! I’ll plan trips and look up all of the info- would love to go to the places *one day* but it’s not in the cards right now. But it definitely takes my mind off of other things for the moment.

      2. Dead Quote Olympics*

        Ha, I just realized I do this occasionally with “redecorating” certain rooms in the house. Swap out all the bath and light fixtures, choose fancy Moroccan tile for the shower, etc. and then just close the browser. It’s relaxing because price is no object, since I’m not actually going to do it. It probably only works because the rooms involved are perfectly fine as they are, so I don’t get frustrated and there is no anxiety about the implications of actually choosing. I find it entertaining.

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          This is why I love Pinterest. I can choose all kinds of amazing things to “keep” and never spend any money at all. Works for clothes, books, garden stuff, gadgets, all kinds of things.

    5. Helpful*

      Call a friend for a long chat, go browsing at a shop you like. What are your hobbies? Carve out some time for one. Think about what makes you feel happy when you do it.

    6. Parenthetically*

      “Literally thinking of a way to treat myself has become stressful. I must be doing something wrong.”

      I used to get like this ALL THE TIME. You’re not doing anything wrong. I always needed to “close the loop” when I got mentally stuck like that, and that usually involved having a big shouty vent/cry at a friend, going for a run, dancing like crazy, basically something intensely physical — my therapist even said just jumping up and down and shouting could work — it let my body kind of catch up with my brain, or vice versa? THEN I could do my normal self-care things.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      For me, I love getting takeout that I don’t get regularly, or from a place that I really like but don’t often go to, that’s one of my favorite treats for myself. What about sitting with a book or newspaper? Do you like Sudoku or crosswords? I find them both very therapeutic, almost meditative, because when I’m working on them I stop thinking about everything else. Do you have any hobbies like that, even if they seem like a waste of time? It’s your time, so think of it as spending time on you.

    8. anonagain*

      I find it easier to think of fun, interesting, and useful things instead of relaxing things. Do you have a hobby? Is there one you’ve wanted to try?

      I don’t think it’s possible to have a weekend that will fix burnout, unfortunately. I’ve felt lots of pressure to really make my weekend count, which then makes it hard to even have a bit of fun. (I also know that when I feel really awful, my favorite activities don’t sound fun and I just have to get started.)

      When all else fails, I stay in pajamas all day and order delivery.

      (Therapy is also self-care.)

    9. dr_silverware*

      What usually works for me is to do something productive but low-stakes, and to make sure I’m eating something nutritious, showering, moving my body, etc.

      1. Clean something messy. It gets you moving, is productive, and for me I get extra stressed by having a gross living space.

      2. Take a walk, and take pictures, listen to a podcast, call someone.

      3. Reach out to someone. If it feels possible for you, tell them you’re feeling burnt out at work, and either talk about it without venting, or ask them to do something to take care of you (watch a movie together online, meet somewhere, suggest a fun activity).

      4. If you have some crafting hobby you haven’t picked up in a while, pick it up!

      These aren’t low-effort suggestions, but my guess is the most important thing you can do for yourself right now is, do not spend all weekend sitting on your couch before just slogging back to work. Treat yourself like a dear friend who’s really bummed–you’d put in effort to help her feel better, so do the same for yourself.

    10. Fiennes*

      If the weather permits, a long walk or bike ride in a park is often nice—or if any physical activity feels like too much, just reading in a gorgeous natural setting can be a treat.

      Are you a museum lover? Go by yourself and indulge. It may seem lonely but I actually find you’re more able to immerse when you’re not worrying about a conpanion’s interest or lack thereof.

      Go thrift-store browsing. Your default should be that you’ll only buy something truly amazing—and then let yourself check out the craziest stuff.

      Maybe a DIY art project, if you’re so inclined? HGTV and Apartment Therapy have several that can be done in a couple hours, for cheap.

    11. Parenthetically*

      Damn, the internet ate my previous comment apparently!

      “Literally thinking of a way to treat myself has become stressful. I must be doing something wrong.”

      Definitely not! This used to happen to me all the time! Something helpful to me, suggested by my therapist, is an intense/strenuous physical activity — hard gardening work, or scrubbing something really dirty, or going for a run, or dancing, or just standing in a room and shouting at the top of your lungs and jumping up and down — to help your brain “close the loop” on the stuff that’s stressing you out. Apparently there’s something in “matching” your physical tiredness to your mental tiredness that helps your body/mind move forward. I often find, for instance, that a long run on a Friday afternoon can kind of wash my brain out so I CAN relax on the weekend.

      Also I love Big Dreams Small Spaces — it’s gardening rather than cooking, but similarly nice and low key.

      1. JenC*

        Seconding this show. Perfect perfect perfect for relaxing and feeling good feelings about the state of humanity. They work hard! Turn crappy rubble filled yard into beautiful garden! Monty Don praises them and cheers them on. So heartwarming and satisfying.

    12. Betsy*

      Lately I have enjoyed ‘cooking’ myself nice food that doesn’t involve much cooking, like baked potatoes with all the toppings. Food that only involves assembling is the best. Maybe you could buy some nice ingredients to put on top of toast to make fancy toasts (like cream cheese and blueberries and walnuts, or roast capsicum, avocado and fetta)?

      After my baked potatoes tonight, I had some Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. I’m going to find something to watch on Netflix now. Maybe you could download yourself a series you really like on iTunes if Netflix isn’t cutting it?

      I did yoga this morning and tomorrow I am going to therapy. I like to go and have coffee and avocado on toast afterwards (so millennial!) I might even check out a film at the new arthouse cinema that’s just opened up, if I have the time. Anyway, those are all the things I do when I’m trying to relax.

    13. Reba*

      For shows, Grand Designs! I hope that’s not one of the ones you couldn’t get into. It is light years beyond HGTV. We are obsessed.

      (slightly illicit advice ahead) get a VPN (decent ones can be less than $5 per month) and you can stream Channel4 programs. The new Bake off is there, Grand Designs has a bazillion seasons plus offshoots in other countries.

      My suggestion for an activity would be a walk–maybe to a bookstore or library, so that the walk ultimately ends in a cup of hot something + new book. Hope the rest of your weekend is result

    14. Pollygrammer*

      I like sorting things (craft stuff, collections and whatnot) when I’m stressed. Actual organizing won’t work, it has to be something small, unimportant and meditative. I’m down to my last pair of clean pants, but I’ve got the bead box really tidy! For whatever reason, it gets me out of my head better than anything.

    15. Tuna Casserole*

      I make bracelets and earrings and I crochet simple things like wash cloths and baby hats. Making something small can be a great way to fight burn-out. It allows you to focus on something else for a while, and in a short time you have something new you can use, or wear, or give away as a gift. Reading can also help, as it allows me to be somewhere, or someone, else for a while.

      TV show recommendation: I’m currently hooked on Project Runway All-Stars and The Great British Sewing Bee.

    16. Middle School Teacher*

      I also love Bake Off, and I’ve been watching the new celeb episodes, but I also recommend the new Queer Eye (it’s so relaxing and I love the emphasis on being good and comfortable with yourself as a person) but I’m also watching Nailed It on Netflix. Totally not like Bake Off, but very funny. Plus I have a lot of respect for people who willingly go on tv to make doofuses of themselves.

      1. Full Speed Ahead*

        I too love the new Queer eye. I watch it while on the treadmill and the time flies by. I love any makeover show really – people, homes, gardens. It’s satisfying to see things made so better in less than an hour. So unlike real life…..

      3. PB*

        I binged Nailed It in one day, and watched it again when my husband came home. It a lot of fun! I also loved Zumbo’s Just Desserts. It’s a similar format to Great British Bake-Off, where one person is eliminated every week. In each episode, they compete on a theme. The bottom two chefs then face off on recreating an elaborate dessert created by pastry chef Adriano Zumbo.

        I’ve also had good success taking up crochet in the last year or so. I know a lot of people who teach themselves from YouTube videos. For me, the best way of learning was to buy Crochet for Dummies and work my way through from beginning to end. I made Christmas presents for a lot of my family last year, and made myself a blanket which I use almost daily. I like that it’s something I can just pickup, do for a few minutes, and put it away again. It also doesn’t require a ton of concentration, so I can do it while watching TV or chatting with my husband.

    17. Cousin Itt*

      Re: GBBO recs – have you seen the charity specials? There’s a short series of one off episodes with celebrity contestants airing right now in UK and I’m pretty sure they did a similar series a few years ago when it was still on the Beeb.

      Also check out The Great British Sewing Bee which is like Bake Off but they make clothes rather than cakes. It’s sort of like if Project Runway was taken over by the Women’s Institute.

    18. Damn it, Hardison!*

      A good book, cozy blanket, and a special snack is my go-to when I want to really slow down and chill ou.

    19. moql*

      For shows – Call the Midwife is very sweet and very well done but there is little conflict and little “thinking” and I use it as a comfort show when I just want something nice to watch.

    20. Totallt Minnie*

      Have you ever played a musical instrument? I play the piano, and sometimes when I’m really burnt out, I choose a piece that’s slightly too hard for me so I have to count beats the whole time. There’s no room for fixating on the thing that’s stressing you out when you’re trying to count out measures in 5/8 time.

    21. Kendra*

      If you like animals, going to an animal shelter or somewhere that will let you cuddle a bunch of cute little fluffnuggets might be fun!

      Or giving yourself permission to go wholeheartedly enjoy something on your own that you would normally do with other people – maybe try a restaurant that sounds interesting, go see a good movie, go shopping for something fun without necessarily buying anything.

    22. Koala dreams*

      I know that feeling! I have lists of things to do, so I can just look at it when I get in exactly the position you are in now. ;)
      Here are some examples:
      take photos of the weather outside
      go swimming at the swimming pool
      eat salad
      check out youtube videos with cute pandas
      coloring (I like those popular adult coloring books)
      solve crosswords

    23. Loopy*

      Wow, this community is amazing!!!!

      The responses alone made me feel better- especially those that could relate. In the end I think what I decided was what might be the right path for me is to take a weekday off and plan a self care day rather than trying to do things spontaneously. I think maybe I’m not great at waiting until the weekend to figure something else because I feel indecisive and like I’m scrambling to figure out what I want to do and how to get it done.

      For example, I adore nature walks and long walks but I’m very weird (and admittedly obnoxious) in that I want solitude and get very (internally) annoyed at other people existing in my space when I go this route. Since that’s not practical nearby I need to plan for a weekday excursion AND get up early and go someplace before people show up. Early morning nature with zero people around is the best nature. Sorry other human beings.

      Also, I love the idea of take out or going someplace to treat myself but I’d want to go out when it’s not St. Patricks Day (lots of people probably already out and about where I am). Also the dog cost me an unexpected extra 75 dollars today at the vet so spending suddenly dropped out of my things-the-are-possible-list!

      These ideas were great though. Sadly, I am very much in need of a long overdue vacation so planning one I can’t book would drive me insane- same with room decor :P But I think I’ll use this post to come up with an epic weekday off. Keep the suggestions coming!

      Also, for show recs, I only have access to Netflix and Amazon Prime, so I’ll go check if the suggested ones are on either of those.

      Thanks again to everyone!!!

      1. Fiddlesticks*

        Re: Netflix recs for baking — there’s a new show called “Nailed It!” which is amateur bakers tackling challenges with…extremely varying levels of success. It. Is. Hilarious.

        Might be something fun to put on in the background when you’re decompressing? I feel the same way about Mythbusters, too, which doesn’t demand my full attention but is fun and interesting, and a nice pocket universe outside of the politics/stress of everyday life!

    24. LilySparrow*

      I’m in GBBO withdrawal too, and I just found Bug Dreams Small Spaces with Monty Don.

      Really, really lovely gardens. Only 6 episodes on Netflix right now, but they’re delightful.
      So many flowers!

    25. Elizabeth West*

      I like to just do nothing. This works better if I’ve already cleaned the house during the week. Though I’m now busy on Saturday with my group stuff. Sunday is usually chore day, but if I’ve been stressed, sometimes I’ll clean over a couple of weeknights and just do nothing on Sunday. And sometimes, putting the house in order can be a stress reliever, especially if I’ve neglected it for whatever reason.

      If I need to get out of the house, I go to the flea market, not necessarily to buy anything, but it’s relaxing and fun to just walk around and look at stuff.

    26. Shannon*

      I watched a few episodes of “Nailed it” on netflix this weekend. It’s a baking competition with people who can’t bake. It’s a little low budget but it’s really funny.

  14. Anonymous for Now*

    For anyone who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult or knows someone who was, how did they realize what was going on and go about getting a diagnosis? I’ve been struggling with a number of different focus and concentration related things in life and in one of those lack-of-focus moments, stumbled across an article detailing how symptoms tend to manifest in adult women and hugely identified with it. Further investigation brought up the generic intake checklist where I also found I identified a lot with the symptoms. I don’t currently have a doctor and am hesitant to go, as I don’t want to “self-diagnose” and be completely wrong. I was curious what the process was like and how people started it/recognized it.

    1. anonagain*

      I was DX’ed in college, but it was identified by my psychologist who sent me to a psychiatrist to confirm the diagnosis and do the meds part of treatment. I had never considered the possibility myself.

      You say you’re hesitant to go to the doctor because you don’t want to self-diagnose. I understand what you’re getting at and am still going to say that part of why you go to see a doctor is so they can diagnose you. ;-)

      There are lots of things that can cause problems with focus and it’s reasonable to seek help for any of them. You don’t have to know a priori what the cause is. Ideally your primary care doctor will check that you are generally healthy and rule out any other medical issues that could be causing or contributing (thyroid problems, etc.) Then you can be referred to a specialist if your primary care doctor doesn’t diagnose and treat psych stuff. If it’s an option for you, I would do that.

      Even if you don’t have ADHD, you’re still struggling with focus and you can still learn strategies for coping better. Whatever the diagnosis is in the end, you definitely aren’t wrong about the challenges you’re having.

      You don’t even need to mention ADD. You can just talk about what you’re experiencing. If you want to mention it, you can say something like, “I’m having trouble with x,y,z. I recently took an ADHD screening test and scored quite high. I don’t know if it really is ADHD, but it helped me see that this is having a bigger impact on my life than I fully realized. I would like to find some better ways of dealing with whatever this is.”

    2. DBGNY*

      My wife actually figured out that I had it in the process of researching something else. I think it was because she read “Driven To Distraction”.

    3. Dopameanie*

      Happened to me! I avoided diagnosis for a long time because I watched kids in my high school skip up to the nurse’s office full of life and jokes and then trudge to class as lifeless zombies. I finally gave in when I forgot some very important work and life appointments. Got a dr, who referred me to a psychologist, who referred me to a psychiatrist, who gave me pills. Good news: the pills are more varied nowadays, so you can find what works for you better. Bad news: suuuuuper expensive.

    4. Late-Age ADHD*

      I was diagnosed in my late forties, by accident really. I had been looking up ADHD symptoms out of concern for my young son, noticed I had a lot of those symptoms, but dismissed it. About two weeks later my therapist suggested I might ADHD out of the blue and because I’d been thinking about it, I was open to the idea of being tested. At that time I was in a health care system that didn’t do a good job with mental health care, so this therapist wasn’t great, her testing wasn’t great, and the psychiatrist she referred me to was terrible. I got an ADHD diagnosis and because I was having so many issues with attention I was willing to try taking Adderall even if I didn’t really trust the diagnosis. In retrospect, their process was terrible but their diagnosis has been confirmed and I personally feel very comfortable with its accuracy now.

      First tiny (2.5mg) dose of Adderall was a revelation. It was like I’d had a marching band playing in my head my whole life, and I didn’t notice until the Adderall turned it off. Things were so much quieter in my head, even at that dose. I got more benefit as I slowly (I was feeling very cautious) increased my dose. I still questioned my diagnosis until I started listening to the ADHD Experts podcast. Episode 114 talks about ways in which ADHD is misdiagnosed or missed, and because I have concurrent mental health issues that have probably been obscuring my ADHD that episode really spoke to me. Frankly it was a revelation. I felt like there was a life before listening to it that was different from my life after. It really changed my conception of myself. As I further educated myself it helped me understand more what was going on when I had symptoms, so therefore I could better manage them. And when I got on the right dose/type of Adderall (long-acting was SO much better for me), my symptoms were more manageable.

      Now I still find having ADHD to be challenging, but I also can better appreciate its advantages. I feel better about myself and less hard on myself for the things I don’t do well. Also, being on Adderall dropped my anxiety by about half, especially my post-social-interaction anxiety where I would inevitably find something I’d said wrong at a party or a meeting and obsess on it for weeks afterwards (geez, you got that guy’s name wrong, what’s the MATTER with you? he’ll never forget that you did that! and on and on even though I knew it was irrational). First meeting I had after I was on Adderall, I braced for the usual self-castigating thoughts…and they didn’t come. That was an incredible moment.

      The process for getting a diagnosis is to see a psychologist or psychiatrist for an evaluation. They should do a lengthy interview with you and ask you lots of questions about many aspects of your functioning. That podcast episode I mentioned, and also ADHD Experts Podcast #180, which describes how a proper evaluation is done, are great introductions on that. I don’t know about your insurance, though. In one system I was on, I could get referrals to a psychologist or psychiatrist from my regular doctor. But on my current plan we have a separate mental health plan and I could choose to go straight to a psychologist or psychiatrist for testing.

      This post is already way too long so I’m stopping here. Good luck!

    5. MommaCat*

      I actually tried to get a diagnosis last year (I’m in my mid-30s), but the questionnaire they gave me came back with more anxiety than ADHD, but not enough that the doctor felt comfortable diagnosing me with either. They also felt that my grades were too good in school for me to have it, even though I literally only did well when I had a very physical sport after school every day. I’m considering trying again, but it just seems like too much work. I’m still getting a lot of use out of all the advice for ADHDers; if you haven’t yet, you should check out “How To ADHD” on YouTube. Anyway, try to get a doctor who specializes in ADHD to administer the test, which is where I think I went wrong in the first place. Best of luck!

      1. Late-Age ADHD*

        Oh my gosh, I can’t believe they said your grades were too good for you to have it. That just made me see red! That’s ridiculous. I had great grades and am competent, functional and productive at work. But I have to work extra hard to get there because of my ADHD symptoms. I’m fortunate that I have a high IQ and an obsession (usually but not always a positive one) for problem solving. That’s how I get through. I have to overmaster my own brain to make it. It doesn’t mean I’m not really, really struggling. I remember waking up on a weekend a couple of years ago and immediately starting to cry with shame about how much I was behind on. That’s what things looked like from the inside, regardless of how it looked on the outside.

        Also, on the anxiety, for me Adderall cut my anxiety so significantly that separating ADHD from anxiety is sort of pointless. My ADHD compounds my anxiety and vice versa. It’s a pity that many clinicians worry about giving people with anxiety and ADHD stimulants, because many (not all) respond really well and stimulants make them calmer, not more anxious.

        I’ll definitely check out “How to ADHD.” I never think of YouTube for this kind of thing because podcasts fit into my need for something to listen to while I do boring tasks. Great tip!

        1. Chrysanthemum*

          Would you be interested in saying anymore about how you feel that Adderall helped your anxiety? I have anxiety and have been taking Wellbutrin for it for a long time. A couple of years ago, I wanted to try taking Adderall because I had often thought that it would help me with motivation and having the energy to do things that I felt too depressed or anxious to do. I don’t have ADHD (I’m positive) and had floated the Adderall idea by my doctor and he wasn’t interested in that approach. I had an opportunity to get it without having my own prescription and I’ve been taking it as if it’s a prescription every day for two years. I do think it helps a lot but I really feel like it’s more of a focus and energy thing (like with people who use it as a study aid) and not an ADHD thing. Like I don’t feel exactly “calmer,” I feel energetic and speedy and I can get stuck intently doing unproductive things by mistake if I’m not careful. The interaction between focus and anxiety is very salient for me because at times of worse anxiety it’s definitely manifested as having more trouble focusing, and that’s something that INSTANTLY became better the first time I saw a doctor for anxiety and got prescribed Wellbutrin, late in college. But I feel like Adderall generates the “help with focusing/with being productive” by a different mechanism than by reducing my anxiety, if that makes sense. That’s my personal experience.

      2. LilySparrow*

        Any doctor who says you can’t have good grades with ADHD is a freaking idiot and needs to learn to read.

        ADHD isn’t a cognitive impairment or a learning disability (though ADHD and LD’s often coexist because neurodivergence is divergent).

        I had 4.0’s through high school and graduated cum laude from a highly competitive school. I couldn’t find my socks, stick to a reasonably healthy diet, remember to tell my mom Happy Birthday, or drive anywhere without getting lost. But boy howdee I could get grades, no problem.

        As far as the comment on anxiety below, I think my anxiety has gone down for a couple of reasons. First, knowing what is going on, and that it’s not a character flaw where I’m just supposed to “try harder” & “do better,” has been *huge.* HUGE.

        Second, the meds & management skills help me do more things that are good for my brain, in terms of food, sleep, exercise, etc.

        Finally, a big source of anxiety for me is feeling overwhelmed & out of control, and like I need to be hypervigilant so that I don’t miss something important or dangerous. This is not irrational. When my symptoms are acting up, I do miss things that are important and potentially dangerous (like when I’m driving), and I do get sensory overload in some situations, like crowds.

        The Adderall makes those things work better, so I can relax and be confident that I can cope with those situations.

    6. Combinatorialist*

      So this isn’t for ADHD, but last fall I was extremely stressed and I was also having a real hard time focusing on anything. It literally felt like my brain was fogged. A lot. Eventually I went to a doctor who did some blood work and found that I was B12 deficient. Went on a cheap supplement and I feel like a person again. It’s amazing the difference it is has made. So depending on your symptoms, there could be other causes so I would start just by going to the doctor, describe the symptoms you have, and see what tests they can run.

      Also push until you get an explanation of some kind. I have gone before for similar stuff and wasn’t told an answer and then it cleared up so I stopped pushing. Then it would come back.

      1. Late-Age ADHD*

        Yep, it sure can be physical issues instead or in addition. Low thyroid can make your thinking slower. And no one told me that perimenopause causes brain fog. No amount of Adderall is fixing that or me but at least I’m overall much more functional.

    7. Anonymous for Now*

      Thanks so much for the input everyone! This was really helpful and gave me a lot to think about. =)

    8. LilySparrow*

      I was struggling with my weight (again) and ran across some articles suggesting that chronic overeating and weight management issues have a strong link to ADHD in women. I took some assessments and was rather shocked to see how well it fit.

      I talked to my primary doctor, who sent me to consult with a psychiatrist for assessment/diagnosis. The assessment was really just a verbal history and some questions about what I was struggling with and what my experiences were like as a kid & young adult.
      Then the psychiatrist sent a report to my PCP, who wrote me a prescription. She said it’s not unusual for folks to need to try a few different meds before finding one that works best for them. She started me on a fairly low dose of Adderall, and said it was usually pretty well tolerated.

      I’ve been happy with it and haven’t tried anything else. It’s not magic – I still need to use my various coping techniques, but it helps me use them better.

      The biggest shift is that things don’t seem overwhelming, and I can get started on stuff without dithering forever. And without whipping myself into a crisis-frenzy to overcome the inertia. I can just decide to balance the checkbook (or whatever), and then do it.

      That probably sounds odd to some people, but it’s a big deal to me.

    9. always anon for medical stuff*

      I think it would be a good idea to look into ADHD coping mechanisms, too.

      In my pre-diagnosis and medication days, even before I really thought I had ADHD, my mom encouraged me to use a bunch of ADHD coping mechanisms that saved my bacon. Even if you’re completely wrong, if you have concentration issues you may find something that helps.

      But also important to keep in mind that loss of concentration/brain fog can be a symptom of other conditions or can go along with them. So if you’ve been experiencing any other medical stuff that’s something to consider.

    4. Ramona Flowers*

      This was kind of you all – I have come here debating whether to post the past couple of Saturdays and now I guess I will. The people I am about to mention will probably have a field day over the fact that I noticed I was mentioned.

      I stopped posting on AAM after discovering a section on a certain site beginning with R devoted entirely to hate-reading and snarking about blogs that annoy them instead of just, I don’t know, not reading them. It’s kind of pathetic. Apparently loads of them first found the site because they like to google their opinions and feel validated by the internet.

      Some of what they said about me was totally fair. I did post too much and too often on the comments. I did sometimes post some absolute sh*t. But I never actually lied. They seem to think I am some loser fantasist or something. And none of this would matter – who cares? – were it not for the fact that they referred to things I had posted on the weekend thread, eg in the mental health thread, and once I knew people were snarking about things I wrote here I just didn’t feel ok posting anything any more.

      Just to clear a few things up:

      I never said I was out of work. I said I used to be self employed as it was hard for me to work full time due to health issues but that I now work for a charity. I have never lied about my employment status or my work.

      These people questioned how I was able to post early every morning, apparently never entertaining the thought that that is actually when I get up. (I don’t know if they thought I was setting an alarm or something.) I get up at 5am. I have long commute and getting up earlier / starting and finishing earlier suits me.

      I wasn’t lying when I said my husband used to be in a band.

      I do have a job, and a life, and I used to post on here while waking up and eating breakfast or on my commute.

      I am not a fantasist with an imaginary job. I am however someone who has been homeless, who was abused, who managed to get a degree and have career success in spite of also having health problems. I have people who love me and I have enough self awareness to realise I sometimes come off as a total berk.

      So when I found this site I laughed, shrugged, said yup, fair cop to a lot of it – but also didn’t feel I wanted to post any more.

      I need to spend les time on the internet anyway.

      It is sad that these people have nothing better to do.

      There are some lovely people here in this community, and I wish you all much love and luck.

      1. Mimmy*

        Wow Ramona, I’m really sorry that you no longer feel comfortable posting. From what I’ve seen, you have been a great part of our commentariat.

        I don’t read many online community boards, and often forget that these communities don’t exist in a vacuum. I’d be mortified if things like that were said about me (I’ll admit I can come across rather whiny and indecisive).

        Best of luck to you Ramona ((hugs))

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Sincere question because I am not sure I understand. People on other sites were nasty so you need a break from the internet entirely? Were people here nasty? or Were people here nasty on other sites?
        Sorry, I seem to be missing something. I don’t always read here because of time constraints so it could be that I missed something here.

        FWIW, I hope if you do wade back in, you start here.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Well I guess they knew they could not say those things here, umm.

            Very sorry Ramona.

            1. Overeducated*

              Yes. They could not. Ramona, I hope you didn’t feel the need to clear the air for regular commenters here, I am sure none of us assume you are lying or suspect your motives for posting, and we value you and your comments. I am so sorry this space has been polluted by joyless jerks elsewhere.

      4. Laura H*

        Ramona, I’m ashamed to say I didn’t notice your presence had diminished. I really enjoyed your comments. I do hope you’ll pop back in occasionally- we all have different insights and I always enjoyed yours.

        And those peoples’ perception is their hang up- in this case, it’s not your job to make yourself fit a mold and be palatable to them.

        Best wishes and internet hugs from me. :)

      5. Parenthetically*

        WTF. Those people need to get a life, or a hobby, or some extensive counseling, or whatever. Who on earth has time to comb through someone’s posts on a site? Egads.

        I’ll miss you around here, Ramona, and I hope after you’ve had some time away you’ll come back. :)

      6. Big Person*

        I didn’t know there was more than one of those type of sites! I hang out on another forum which also has a critical counterpart on another blog. To me, they are the ones with the problems. I mean, fair enough if they think people who post and interact with internet strangers are weird, but the posters are living their life and getting advice and so on, whereas the critics are reading stuff that obviously annoys them, and what? making themselves feel better by mocking? and that’s somehow better? Since it’s all anonymous, and no one knows who you really are, I wouldn’t worry about it. Don’t let them take away what has been a good thing in your life just because they are jerks. Hope you will reconsider, and stick around.

      7. Ask a Manager* Post author

        That’s awful, I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, people who spend significant time hate-reading a site, and then spend even more time discussing their hate of their hate-read and being vicious toward strangers, are not happy, healthy people. Spend time in spaces that make you happy, and don’t worry about people who are steeping themselves in negativity toward others. I really do believe the latter is a kind of sickness, or at least a reflection of deep unhappiness.

      8. Reba*

        So sorry that happened. How cruel and bizarre. You really were missed here. We don’t think you post too much :)

        Very good wishes to you too, Ramona.

      9. dr_silverware*

        That’s a dreadful thing to experience and I’m so sorry! I know you’ll be missed, but I’d much rather you do what healthiest for you.

      10. Helpful*

        I’m glad I reached out. You matter. I’m flabbergasted that people think attacking strangers on the internet is a worthwhile thing to do.

      11. Anono-me*

        Thank you for letting everyone know what was going on. I’m sure that must have been a horrible unexpected shock.
        I want you to do what’s best for you; but I personally hope that soon you will be back sharing your thoughts and experiences.
        I would ask that you consider the fact that the unkind critical comments were from another site and not AAM when considering how valid the coments are.
        Be happy.

      12. Anonymous Ampersand*

        What the what?!
        Wow.
        I’m so sorry. I had no idea all this was going on but I’ve been missing you!
        Take care x

      13. DietCokeHead*

        That’s awful and I’m so sorry. I don’t know what would motivate people to spend time and energy devoted to caring about what someone else does. I wish the best for you. I haven’t been commenting here often but when I have, I always enjoyed your insights.

      14. Call me St. Vincent*

        Ramona, I am so sorry to hear about this. I honestly haven’t been on here since my last weekend thread post where I was very upset about how there was a lot of nastiness lately. I have been thinking of you since then, especially because the reason I left was that on the VERY thread that I posted about how mean people have been, someone was legit mean to you. I came on today after at least 3-4 weeks away without commenting at all on the site to see how you were doing. I had no idea that you also took what sounds like a much needed break from this. I can’t believe people have the time to waste on the internet talking about another anonymous commenter. People really need to get a grip and a hobby. You are literally the only reason I came back to comment because I wanted to see how you were doing. You were always in my top commenters and from your comments I have come to know you as a kind, compassionate, interesting person. I don’t know if I will be back to comment again given that it seems to have gotten worse since I was here last, but please know that there are kind people elsewhere in the world who may not know you, but who like you very much and care about you!

      16. Jess*

        Ramona I’m so sorry, that’s awful and so hurtful. I’ve always appreciated how kind and thoughtful your contributions here have been, and the amount of energy you’ve put into supporting people. And personally, as someone from an unstable background who has ‘done good’, I’ve been so glad of your perspective and your willingness to refer to your challenges.

      17. Cristina in England*

        Oh no! That’s terrible. I don’t know the site starting with R but I do know the site starting with G and they do something similar. They can’t really complain about Alison’s posts so they take their rage out on the commenters.

      18. Pol*

        Joining in to say your comments are interesting to read and are (to my general impression) of the thoughtful and interesting type.

        I’m really sorry you had to come across such aimless unkindness latching onto you, you really don’t deserve anything of that sort- sure, if you are active in a community you might post not ideal stuff once in a while, but comment sections are a pathetic place to go hate-critiquing…

        Best of luck, take care of yourself, and I hope we will see you posting occasionally.

      19. oranges & lemons*

        Wow, it’s extremely creepy that these people have been tracking your posting times and the details of your personal life! I know it’s hard to keep perspective when people target you, so I just wanted to say that I think the only “crime” that attracted this attention was having opinions on the internet. I completely understand why this would put you off, but I’m one of the commenters who has really appreciated your perspective here.

      20. Caledonia*

        People fu**ing suck. Don’t let the ba**ards get you down. (Easier said than done, I know)

      21. moosetracks*

        What? Why are they so obsessed with you?

        You wrote some really really kind comments when I wrote in a letter a while ago. It really encouraged me and meant a lot to me. I hope you know that lots and lots of us do not think there’s anything wrong with your comments.

        I’m sorry these people were so awful to you. You are absolutely entitled to not post – I know that would spoil the fun of it for me, too. I hope that you’re able to let this roll off of you and do some cool stuff with your time off the internet.

      22. anon24*

        Ramona I’m so sorry that people suck. I’ve been looking for you and worrying about you. I love reading your comments because even if I don’t agree they are always so well thought out. I will miss you here, I think you are a very valuable part of this community.

        Also, what makes their opinions more valid than yours? If they have the right to post their stupid rants online why shouldn’t you be able to post your kind thoughts?

      23. Chrysanthemum*

        Hi Ramona! I had actually just assumed that you were taking some time off of recreational internet. I do that from time to time and always feel amazing. I like your comments and hope that you post here as much as you want!

      24. PB*

        I’m sorry that happened. It’s truly awful that people decided to read all of your posts and go talk about you in such a cruel way “behind” your back but in a public forum. Absolutely, you should do what you need to do for yourself. I just hate hate that happened.

        And to the jerks trolling the comments and going elsewhere to say crap about posters: take a look in the mirror before claiming someone else needs to get a life.

      25. Odelie*

        Stuff like this just hurts my heart. I’m sorry, Ramona. I hope you still check in from time to time.

      26. fposte*

        Ramona, I know the place you mean, and I studiously avoid it. It’s actually a spinoff of a standalone site by people who pretty much wanted a space to criticize the owner of that site as well as blogs; digging into personal details is their MO. These are already people drawn together by negativity–it is essentially Captain Awkward’s “jerkbrain” concept in forum form, YouTube comments in slightly more literate form. I absolutely support your decision to spend your time however you please, but I hope you won’t allow that experience to interfere with your happiness.

      28. sophieChotek*

        What? I am so sorry to hear you are experiencing something awful like that! It us disheArtening to hear people can be so unkind.

      30. Belle di Vedremo*

        I’m so sorry that happened. And I trust you to take care of yourself. Just know that whatever you decide, you your comments here have been appreciated.

      31. Carmen in Canada*

        Adding to the chorus. People suck. That must have felt awful to read. I’ve always thought that your comments are a great contribution to this site and community. I rarely comment here but I don’t think enough people can speak out about how wrong that site is.

      32. Tassie Tiger*

        -hugs if wanted-
        You are a good, kind, gentle soul. You belong here absolutely as much as anyone.
        This is your community too.

      33. Mike C.*

        These folks think I’m a Alison sock puppet so, yeah.

        Just remember this is the same site that had to be shamed into removing subforums dedicated to underage pictures so there you go.

    5. Thursday Next*

      I’m sorry, Ramona. I really don’t understand why anyone would do that. Please don’t disappear from AAM!

    6. deesse877*

      There is no need for you to justify yourself or explain anything. Those people are haters. I would bet real money that no one here who posts in good faith under a stable pseudonym has ever doubted you.

      This sort of ugly, pointless suspicion is a common thing–I have seen it on other sites. I don’t really get it, but I have noticed that people who do it are really poor at what they do, or claim to do. They are always finding “inconsistencies” or whatever in others’ personae, but it never holds up to the slightest scrutiny.

      It’s really just a way of lashing out, like grade-school children who pick on someone for having sneakers in a different color. They’re jealous, not of the specific thing they mock/doubt, but of the fact that you clearly don’t need the conformity that structures their own lives.

      No pressure, but I’d enjoy it if you returned, maybe under a different handle.

      (Also, thanks for mentioning the haters’ club–explains some stuff I’ve seen lately.)

      1. Lissa*

        They just want something to rant about. I’ve seen the threads and so often it’s stuff like “oh, the people there think it’s OK to do X thing” when X is something that was mentioned in a letter/OP and basically everyone else said that it was in no way OK. And of course people will just read the snark and not go check what actually happened.

        I’ve even seen that type of thing here, where someone will post something like “I’m shocked that in the thread on llamas I was the only one who thought arranged marriages with a mongoose was inappropriate” and you go back and read the thread and no, like 80% of people thought it was inappropriate. I assume they are just seeing what they want to see to be able to feel superior and not intentionally making up stuff but it’s…such a strange phenomenon.

        1. fposte*

          They’re mostly driven by interest in lifestyle bloggers and suspicion of the careful curation of their lives. Which is a fair enough feeling, but it’s all too easy for groups like this to go overboard (like, insisting somebody’s husband isn’t really dying, or looking up old school papers or real estate records) and thrive on suspicion and contempt.

    7. Rookie Manager*

      I came here today to ask if Ramona was ok. I’m really sorry that people elsewhere have been so awful. I’ve missed your comments and it was always clear to me that you’ve lived an interesting life with a varied career. I also now work in the UK third sector and have/had have health issues. It’s good to read about others experiences and I appreciate you putting yourself out there. Look after yourself however you need to but know you are missed.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Ramona Flowers,
        I don’t know anything about that other site. Don’t go there. Those people are bullies. And troubled.
        Come here. Stay here. We appreciate your insights, your comments, and your empathy. You are missed.

  16. Hey Nony Nony*

    I seem to remember there was an AAM group on LinkedIn. Am I dreaming that or can someone point me in the right direction to find it?

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’m pretty sure the group was deleted. I found a link to an old discussion there, and when I tried to follow it, LinkedIn gave me a warning “Sorry, this group doesn’t exist. You might have the wrong URL or this group’s manager may have deleted it.”

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      There used to be one, started and managed by Jamie. But then Jamie’s life was keeping her too busy to manage it so I took it over … but it was never really used and mainly just required me to spend a bunch of time approving members, so I eventually removed it.

  17. kebs*

    I have a brand new baby and an unhealthy relationship with food. I am starting to think about introducing solid food soon and how to help my child develop the healthy eating habits that I lack. Both my husband and I are overweight (not obese) and comfort eat/binge on snack food.

    1. kebs*

      Should have mentioned that we also seem to spend a lot of time dieting (cutting calories for me, fasting for my husband). I worry what messages our child will pick up from this.

      1. Yetanotherjennifer*

        Check out Precision Nutrition. They have a habits-based methodology that can be very helpful. There’s no calorie counting and you can use your hand to measure portion sizes so you could invisibly fit their recommendations into life with an observant child. They also help you identify the underlying emotions behind weight and fitness troubles. You can go far on the free stuff you’ll receive once you’re on their mailing list. They hold coaching groups twice a year, which you might find very helpful. First you’re offered one-on-one online coaching for a year for a really high price ($150/month, I think), but if you decline than and then keep responding, they’ll offer group coaching for significantly less ($50). Their recommendations and materials are awesome, but their business side is sorta gimicky. They’re also a little patronizing in tone, but really, the program and materials are very well done and the science is sound.

    2. Helpful*

      How old is baby? Pediatricians recommend starting food at 6 months. Focusing on increasing the amounts of fruits and veggies you eat each day can have a positive, slow change for your overall diet.

      It’s good to think about this. Also talk to your pediatrician and your own doc about healthy habits that will benefit your whole family. A therapist or dieteician might also help.

      1. TL -*

        A counselor and a dietitian to help you with the mental labor of making small but continuous changes.
        Food can be rough but you’re right – your kid is learning from your eating patterns. It’s awesome that you’re making the changes!

    4. Jen*

      You should check out Ellyn scatter. Her work is about establishing competent eaters and healthy relationships with food.

    5. Maya Elena*

      Although you want to introduce solids appropriately, you’re good to stay on breast milk for a pretty long time, without making solids anything more than extra additions until way after six months.

      Also, I’m a form believer that kids do as you do, not as you say, but they also can’t really do much until they’re like two. From which the conclusion is, you need to model the healthy habits yourself, but you probably have a year or two to work on that.

    6. INTP*

      Honestly, I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but you can’t keep your issues from impacting your child without fixing your issues. The #1 predictor that a daughter will develop anorexia is having a mom that diets, even if the mom isn’t trying to make her diet. (I would guess something similar is true for boys but they just haven’t been studied as much.) Definitely make sure to keep any negative self talk away from your child, as well as any talk about dieting while they’re too young to notice what you’re eating. But also, consider going to a therapist that specializes in relationships with food and weight. (And quit the dieting if it’s not working long term anyways.)

    7. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I cannot recommend Ellyn Satter’s books enough. They’re wonderful. She’s the one who developed the division of responsibility where your job is to provide a balanced meal at regular times and Baby’s job is to eat it. She is a nationally recognized expert in feeding. Lots of well known nutritionists base their work on her theories and practices. For me, following her recommendations took away a lot of my worries around food and feeding, allowed me to disregard all the bad habits I had been raised with, and helped make mealtime be enjoyable family time.

      Start with “Child of Mine.” It goes through how her practices apply to kids age by age (so you don’t have to read the whole book at once). There are techniques you can use now, even before solid foods, to help your child be in control of their eating. If you wait until you see signs of hunger before feeding and watch for signs of fullness you can help your child manage their eating and hunger. There is an awesome graph in the appendix that shows when the energy from different macronutrients (fat, sugar, protein, carbohydrates) are used by the body. By including all those things in a meal/snack, you make it easier for you and your child to make it to the next meal without resorting to unhealthy eating or grumpiness. I also recommend “Secrets of Feeding A Healthy Family.” That one has shorter versions of her practices and also recipes and menu planning tips. Her chapter headings and her book talks about enjoying food. These are the books I give as baby shower gifts.

      Dina Rose’s blog, “It’s not about the nutrition” is also very good. She bases her recommendations on Ellyn Satter, and her basic point is that good nutrition is more about long-term habits than what shows up at any particular meal. I don’t agree with everything she recommends, she’s a bit less of a moderate than Ms. Satter, but in general it’s good advice.

      Also, this surprised me to find out: kids have to learn to find comfort in food. The first time you offer a cookie as comfort for a skinned knee, your child will be a little baffled. Or maybe only some kids. But definitely keep in mind that this may be a learned behavior and not innate.

      I would not expect much if you talk to your pediatrician. Unfortunately, doctors do not get much nutrition education during their training and I’ve found lots have outdated ideas. Plus, they tend to have their own neuroses about food. I had one freak out because I hadn’t started my 5 month old on solid foods at 4 months, even though the newer recommendations were to start at 6 months at the earliest and my child was not able to sit up on her own.

    8. Kuododi*

      A few thoughts from someone who grew up with both parents who have unhealthy relationships with food and continually imposed those issues on me growing up. 1.) Be careful in how to refer to food. ie-“sinful” vs “good” foods. Food is amoral. It has no moral values one way or another. Food just “is.”. I was left feeling horrible if I chose to eat “bad” food such as sugary, high fat foods and chronically feared that I would wake up one morning morbidly obese. 2.). Don’t let food become a power struggle…there will be no winners. I would have loved to have had my parents simply put food in front of me as something to taste and experience rather than “clean your plate”. 3.) If you have concerns about your child’s weight, please consult with your pediatrician. My parents started dragging me to diet programs as early as fifth grade. I was left feeling that I was never at an appropriate weight and “perfection”was at least fifteen pounds less than my current weight. I wound up on alot of crazy diets, unhealthy weight loss supplement, and occasional starvation diets during my youth and adolescence. My dear husband, when we were engaged told me, when I was starting the latest crazy diet to fit my wedding dress, that he didn’t fall in love with a size 0, he fell in love with me. Then I finally began to realize there was more to me than numbers on a scale. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anxious about this beautiful child you have. What I was sharing was strictly my experiences growing up and I hope it will be a help to you along your path as a new parent. Most of all, just relax and enjoy this precious child! You and your partner will be able to do this!!!! Mazel Tov!

      1. Oxford Coma*

        Even the phrase “clean your plate” still ignites a fire in me. It took me YEARS to understand and listen to my body’s signals that I was full. My parents had no concept of appropriate portions for a child.

    9. Kendra*

      I don’t have any helpful advice, but I think it’s awesome that you’re thinking about this and want to help your child have healthy eating habits!

    10. paul*

      If you figure it out let me know….I’m either 300+ lbs or obsessed with what I’m eating, no middle ground :/

    11. Jessi*

      I am a nanny and when I wean all my babies I go with: I decide what and when, and the baby decides how much. So I choose the mealtimes and the food, and the baby decides when she is full. I offer the food and let the baby eat as much as she wants (within a portion size for a baby) and the minute the baby turns her head/ loses interest the meal is over. That way you are never saying ‘one more just for me’. I trust that the baby knows when she is full and/ or finished with the meal.

      You have time to sort out your food relationship as your baby needs nothing from food except iron till about one (baby milk is pretty nutritionally complete). Offer fruit, veggies, protein and a small amount of carbs. However, when your baby gets to 1.5/2 she will be big enough to see what you are eating and almost no one wants to eat a healthy dinner if they know there will be chocolate buscuits later on!

    12. Blue_eyes*

      Look up the blog “Fat Nutritionist”. She has excellent advice about Intuitive Eating and improving disordered eating. Your right that your attitudes and habits with food will affect your child so it would be good to work on them now with your husband. Good luck!

    13. LilySparrow*

      I also have lifelong weight problems and an unhealthy relationship with food, and am so so grateful that my kids seem to have a very healthy
      sense of hunger/fullness. Here’s a few things I’ve picked up from reading/research that helped me a lot.

      1) Your job as parent is to provide a variety of nutritious foods at appropriate times. Their job is to decide how much of which thing to eat.

      Particularly for babies – babies don’t actually need solids before a year old, it’s just for learning & practice. For every baby who anecdotally “sleeps better” after starting solids, there are far more who sleep less, because their digestion isn’t comfortable, or because most baby foods have fewer calories than breast milk or formula.

      A really great way to start solids is “baby-led weaning,” where you let them grab chunks of foods they can gum – banana, avocado, cooked carrots, etc. That way their first experiences of food have real flavors & textures, and they are in control. No cajoling or forcing!

      2) Never associate food with reward or punishment. No power plays at the table.

      3) Have as few food rules a possible. We have: You don’t have to clear your plate, but you must eat some of everything before you have seconds. And you must eat your protein and veggies before having sweets.

      4) Don’t talk about your weight, your diet, “good” or “bad” foods, or anything negative about your body in front of the children. Only body-positive language about how good exercise feels, or how some foods are for growing and others are for treats, that kind of thing.

      5) No restrictions on quantity of food, but steer them to real food instead of treats or empty filler. For example, sometimes my kids will “save room” for dessert and then still be hungry afterward. They get sent back for more dinner, not more dessert.

      Anyway, they are 9 & 11 now, very active, in a totally normal weight range, and have a better relationship with food than I ever had (I was on a medically supervised diet at age 6).

      Hope this helps!

    14. Traveling Teacher*

      Late to the party here, but I remember how nervous I was about introducing foods when my baby was small (milk was so easy–just one thing!). I’m not a doctor, but I just thought it might be interesting to get a perspective from the other side of the Atlantic on one recommendation on how to introduce healthy eating routines. :) I am an inveterate snacker, but I live in France where all snacking is looked down on…baby feeding has helped reform me (somewhat…hard to control those midnight munchies!)

      1) I was lucky enough to find a pediatrician who is also a certified nutritionist and allergist–I’d recommend consulting a pro about any and all things food-related–it’s so easy to get caught up in what seems new or trendy. His number one recommendation was: no snacking. Kids do not eat meals when they’re not hungry. Keep your mealtimes consistent, give drinks of water only between meals, and the kid will learn to eat at mealtimes. (I was initially very skeptical because I really really like to snack!)

      2) My pediatrician recommended that we start introducing solids at 4.5 months (I know! It seemed really young to me too! I was so nervous). Just a teaspoon, though, twice per day, no storebought pots of food, all homemade of the best produce you can find (such small quantities at first that you can steam up one small batch, freeze in ice cube trays and have enough for two weeks!). He said that introducing–and it really was introducing–was all about acclimating taste and texture, as well as reducing future allergy risks. So, to start with, a small teaspoonful of a carrot purée at noon, then an apple purée at 4. After three or four days, another cooked fruit or vegetable, and so on. Just very small spoonfuls.

      After the 5 month mark, baby was allowed to eat just as much as desired of either puree (it was still not a lot). The biggest thing at this stage and every stage going forward was to keep presenting new foods and be very calm and encouraging but never, ever force additional bites, not even one. At six months, we started natural yogurt after each puree (no sugar, no flavors, just plain yogurt–and definitely not the “baby” shelf-stable yogurt–that stuff is loaded with added sugar!) Also, small amounts of grains (pasta, rice, etc. that increased every month) Then, at seven months, the tiniest bit of egg yolk or meat or fish. And so on.

      The meat amount was very strictly controlled, only once per day and only a tiny, teaspoonful size to start with, then up to 10 grams of meat per day, then 20 grams after about 1 year old (20 and 30g of fish, respectively, though). Everything else was as much as baby wanted, beginning with vegetables at lunch, then protein, then yogurt, then fruit. At 4pm snack, it was fruit, then yogurt, and around 8mo we were allowed to crumble up a simple butter biscuit (cookie) in the fruit or yogurt, but I didn’t start that til 10 months. At supper, just vegetables, grains, and yogurt. I think we added breakfast of toast/butter/jam and fruit or porridge and fruit (and yogurt!) around eleven months, but that depends on the child.

      Throughout, from 5 months, seasonings were introduced (spices, herbs, pepper, only the tiniest bit of salt around 10 months onward) and bits of olive oil or butter too (just a drop or two in the veg). I would taste, using a separate spoon, and if it tasted good to me, she generally liked it too! Only water given at meals, from 6 months. After about 9-10 months old the “best” food recommendation was dropped to “whatever quality level of food you eat” quality. Around 14-18 months, she switched to mostly eating what we eat, provided it was healthy, so that we’re all eating the same food–that was the biggest change for me. I have to be really conscious about what we cook now! And, now that baby notices what/when we eat, I can’t just snack when I want to, otherwise my mini-me will want some too and be upset that I’m eating when she’s not (I mean, she has a point!)

      Baby was and is a fantastic eater who will try just about any food (including raw onion slices, the kid is crazy about them!) and feeds herself enthusiastically since the age of about 10 months (with help when needed). The doc says that this will soon change (around 2yo and that that will be normal. Not looking forward to that…)

      3) The other big recommendation we got was to allow baby to play with food, get hands in, have her own spoon, present it over and over. 15 times is apparently the average amount of times a “rejected” food will take to get on the “will eat” list! I also gave her the few foods that I absolutely detest because I don’t want her to have hangups about food just because I do.

      Anyway, that was very detailed, but it was completely different from any received knowledge I had from the US, though it’s the gold standard in France that most parents use to introduce food (also, those are the times that everyone eats at, it’s ridiculous! Most people have their sugary dessert at around 4pm, too, instead of after every meal!) Just another perspective to add to the discussion, especially as it’s a feeding method that really discourages snacking of any kind, but, depending on your baby’s needs, your pediatrician might tell you something totally different, I’m sure!

  18. The Curator*

    More on the Japan Trip!!!!
    I have three days with nothing scheduled a Friday Saturday and Sunday (out of 17 days). The rest of the stay is in Tokyo and three days in Aomori. Could this be the work/life balance that I have been waiting for?
    Choices so far…Nagoya, Kyoto, or someplace east of Tokyo. I don’t like heights but I love animals and hot springs. (which means I won’t go to the mountains and sit in hot water with snow monkeys, sigh) Mr. Curator likes modern design, crafts and pottery, and bird watching.
    We will have train passes.
    Recommendations please?????

        2. Chrysanthemum*

          OMG. OMG, OMG OMG. Those shoes!

          I walked all over Japan in Birkenstocks – sandals though :) (And Russia too, but a new pair of the same sandals.) Birkenstocks are awesome.

    2. Canuckian*

      If you like historical things as well as nature, you might like Nikko in Tochigi prefecture. It’s a national park with a gorgeous temple/shrine complex in it. It’s in the mountains, but it’s supposed to be easy to get there from Tokyo. It’s all set in this really pretty old cedar forest, and the paths are fairly easy to get around on.

      I know you mentioned hating heights, but if you can catch a train/bus, you can also go up to the top of the mountain over Nikko called Chuzenji. It’s an old volcano, and there’s a lake in the basin now. There’s also a lot of monkeys around there! It’s very large, and it doesn’t feel like it’s that high.

      Tochigi also has some famous potters, and I believe they have some stores in Nikko. One town that’s really famous for it is Mashiko, and there’s another called Bato that is also pretty well-known in the area.

      If you want to visit some places on your way towards Aomori, I would recommend Hiraizumi. It was one of the first capitals of Japan, and has a building that the Golden Temple in Kyoto was supposed to be based on. Other things you can do up that way include Morioka City, Sendai, and visiting beaches along the way. Also, keep an eye out for any festivals that could be around. I ended up visiting one in Tono by coincidence and it was definitely a highlight of my time there.

          1. Lissajous*

            Nikko has the shrine for Tokugawa Ieyasu (first shogun). The same shrine has the oldest known existing depiction of the Three Wise Monkeys, as part of a frieze on the stable – it’s one panel of about 15 going through the stages of life, and “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” is only intended to apply to children.

            Also, when I say “shrine,” read “amazing temple complex with incredibly lavish decorations, set in gorgeous forest on a mountain, one of many in Nikko.” It’s a gorgeous place – I’ve only ever been as a day trip from Tokyo, and I definitely want to go back and spend a few days there.

            Also your Suica train pass will still work in Nikko, it’s in the same network

      2. AcademiaNut*

        That’s what I was going to suggest too. I’m also bad with heights, but Nikko was fine. We stayed in a traditional inn that had food and hotsprings. No monkeys in them, but I did see monkeys.

    3. fort hiss*

      Oooh, I was hoping to see more from you about your trip!

      Another recommendation for Kyoto, especially since you say your husband likes crafts. You can schedule a lesson at the Shibori Museum, where you can learn how to dye fabric in a traditional way using blocks of wood. You can also sign up for a few other classes. The host for our visit was fantastic, a really lovely young man who had studied abroad in Australia. My wife, mother and I had a great time. You can find them by googling Kyoto Shibori Museum. You can buy lots of great souvenirs there too! I have a handmade wallet from them that’s been my standby for the last year and a half. They’re close to Nijo Castle, so you can visit the castle before or after if you want to do some sightseeing.

      (Not sure if you’re interested in anywhere else in Kansai, but I have to give a shoutout for Arima Onsen in Kobe.)

  19. Cruciatus*

    I just got a new laptop and realized that I cannot see which posts are new anymore. I’ve tried changing a bunch of settings but nothing has changed it. I miss that blue line! I’m hoping there is something obvious I’m missing. Is there something I need to do with cookies or something else?

    2. Triplestep*

      Blue line? I didn’t know there was a way to search for new posts. I usually just skim and figure it’s a given I’ll miss stuff. Can someone explain?

      1. Grad Student*

        If I open the comments on a post, and then later refresh the page (or close and come back to it), any comments that are new since the last time I opened the page have a thick blue vertical line next to them on the left (where all the other comments have a thin grey line). It’s helpfully eye-catching if you want to scroll past a bunch of comments you already read and find the new ones.

        1. Big Person*

          Thank you for explaining this! I didn’t know, and I too was missing a lot of new stuff because I just jumped past all the main comments I had read without looking at the replies because it was too much.

      2. Cruciatus*

        Here’s a link to what it looks like–it’s working for me now by the way! Apparently refreshing the page 5000 times was the ticket. Whenever you refresh the page, any posts that are new since you refreshed have a blue line next to them so you can see immediately what’s new. https://imgur.com/a/0nJ9a

    3. Reba*

      See if your browser is automatically blocking all cookies. It’s a decent anti-tracking measure, but cookies are how this page “knows” when you’ve been here before. You should be able to allow some cookies overall, or selectively allow this site.

  20. Handy nickname*

    Guys, I am almost moving!!!!

    The apartment folks got the gross carpet replaced (because it smelled like smoke in a non-smoking apartment), so my family is helping me move furniture and a bunch of boxes down today. My best friend and her guy are meeting us there too to help unload.

    And then next week I’m actually moving out and into the apartment!!!! A little nervous the past week since I’m going from a house with lots of siblings and a shared bedroom to an apartment by myself, but I’m really excited. This will be so good.

  21. TL -*

    I kind of impulse bought a kitty and she’s awesome! I live off a major road in New Zealand, though, so she’s never going to be an outdoor kitty (safety for her and concern for the native birds in NZ.) I’m planning to get a leash for her when she’s big enough/had all her shots. Anyone have any experience with walking their cats?

    1. Nye*

      Enjoy your new kitty, and kudos on keeping her indoors! (I used to work on native bird conservation in NZ – indoor cats are the only way to go!)

      I tried to walk a cat I had as a kid on a leash. He was not amused. But, I didn’t persist for long and I didn’t try the leash until he was older. I imagine, like voting in Chicago, training a cat to leash is best done early and often.

    2. neverjaunty*

      Cats are not good on leashes. They don’t have the same instincts as dogs to hang close to you or follow you, and they’re very hard to train. (Hollywood animals handlers say you can train a dog to do a trick for praise, but cats want their damn treat every single time.) They don’t like the restraint of the leash and they freak out if something startles
      them and they can’t run because of the leash.

      TL;DR, for walking your cat, use an enclosed “pet stroller”.

      1. Reba*

        Depends on the cat! (This is probably true of most cat things.)

        My relative’s cat went on a leash from kittenhood and loves it.

        My parents’ neighbors’ cat goes along when they walk their dogs. No leash but he heels beautifully, it’s hilarious.

        Some cats seem to enjoy the commanding view from the pet stroller. Others wail continuously while inside. Again, hilarious but maybe not great for the cat.

        1. Grad Student*

          I’ve taken my friend’s leash-trained cat (while housesitting) out on a leash a couple times, and in both cases the cat was totally fine with the leash but not so into the walking–it was more of a meander/sniff/lay around a small area next to the house for a while until I got bored and took him back in.

      2. Mephyle*

        Very much depends on the cat. My two grandcats are opposites in this regard. One gets excited when he sees the leash, rather like a dog, because he knows it means he’s going out. The other is slowly getting used to it, but at first every time her harness was put on her, she flopped down on the floor and demonstrated “can’t move with that thing on me.”

    3. Big Person*

      We had a cat years ago that we could take out for a little bit on a leash. Make sure you get a harness that fits her properly. Put it on her for short periods every day in the house until she becomes accustomed to it and stops trying to get it off! Extend the periods until she will wear it for as long as you want to walk. Also put the leash on indoors and go walkies in the house first. Our cat would turn himself so he was facing you, and pull backwards using the leash as an anchor point to pull the harness off himself, which is something you do not want to happen outside!

    4. Hellanon*

      My last cat loved being on her leash & sitting outside with me while I worked in the garden. Not so much with the walking, though – that was more like “taking the kitty out for a drag” than a proper walk. I think if you start early & make it a bit of a game you’ll be fine. You can teach kittens to do almost anything.

    5. Extra Vitamins*

      Years ago I had a big fluffy Ragdoll mix that was mellow enough to walk on a leash. Things were great for about 3 years. Then one day something that only he could see spooked him, and he wound himself around a pole like a hairy tetherball with claws. After that he was afraid of his harness because that’s how cat logic works.
      Just recently, I’ve seen a guy in the park here who brings his cat in a backpack carrier, and lets the cat out on a tether in a quiet spot. That seems to be working for him.

    6. Anono-me*

      Congratulations on the kitty.

      A friend of mine has a floorless screen tent for her kitty. (2×4 s around the edges so kitty can not crawl under.)

    7. Merci Dee*

      Oh, the memories you brought back …

      I had a cat once that I tried to train for a leash. At first, she’d try to gnaw off the harness (because I got her a chest harness arrangement instead of something around her neck). Once I got her used to the harness, I tried walking around the house with her. Invariably, she would flop over on her side and refuse to walk. After a few instances of towing her 5 or 6 feet across the kitchen linoleum like a living dust mop, I decided that was enough of that.

      I know it’s doable, because there are lots of video clips and pics of people walking with their cats on leashes. I agree it’s probably one of those things you have to start when they’re young.

    9. tangerineRose*

      I don’t think all kitties like leashes, but it should help to put the harness on the kitty every so often, give your cat a treat and praise, and then let the cat wear it for a bit so the cat’s used to it.

      And a lot of cats don’t so much go for a walk on a leash as sniff around, roll on stuff, check things out. They still enjoy it, but it’s not like walking a dog.

      Be careful about harness size – too small, and it’s uncomfortable, too large, and the cat might be able to get out.

    10. Short & Dumpy*

      The earlier you can start them wearing the harness, the better they are with it. I usually prepare a plate of canned food (something my cats don’t usually get), put on harness while they are begging for the food, let them eat with the harness, take harness off when they finish eating but leaving it on progressively longer.

      My experience with cats is that they are easier than most people think to teach to come on command but HATE being physically forced into things. So you can’t pull a cat along like people do with dogs (though I hate it when people do it to dogs too!) They are pretty easy to teach to follow along at your heels though with the harness & leash on for safety.

      Some definitely take to it more than others…but the same can be said of even going outside at all!

    11. MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)*

      At our old place we kept our kitties inside and had a harness. Only one of them was really interested in walking outside, so don’t feel the need to force it on them if you have a decent-sized house for them to run around in!

      1. TL -*

        If she’s not interested, it won’t be that big of a deal – I don’t have a car so it would make taking her places easier but I also bought a nice duffel-type carrier that’s easy to walk with.

        I’m hoping she’s into it. She’s rather clingy and half dog – we played fetch yesterday and while she doesn’t quite come when called, she does come out so I can see her.

    12. TL -*

      Thanks everybody! I’ll get a harness and see how she likes it – my expectations aren’t high but it would be nice to be able to take her places if she’s into it.

      1. fposte*

        And you know the training drill–slow steps from harness in proximity on ground to harness touching them to bit of harness on them to bit of harness encircling them, all with treats, slow on each stage.

  22. Kat*

    Everything makes me a bit sad today. My friend is coming over soon though and we will go out for a bit, which will be good. I can’t motivate myself to write yet, but I hope to do so later. I tried more chatting to potential dates online and they ended up all just being wrong and depressing.

    I think it might be time for a change. I am seriously considering moving abroad for a year or two, just to shake things up. I know essentially that won’t change *me*, but it might just give me something new. I am anxious about how to look for the thing we don’t talk about in another country, though. But hey, a new city to explore would be great! Not sure where in Europe to go where I could live well without a fluent language (I know quite a bit of German, but knowing it and living it are very different). Has anyone done this or similar?

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I moved to Spain! And I’m also moving countries at the end of the year, although I’m undecided between Italy and Portugal.

      To be honest, the language is less of an issue than you might think. I recommend getting a good basic understanding of the language (easy in 3 months) to an A2-B1 level (according to the CERF – google it). You need enough of the language to communicate in banks, town halls, renting flats, restaurants, and taxis. You cover that language wise, you’re fine.

      As for work, teaching English is the obvious route. It’s the one I went down and I recommend it. If you are interested in it later, reach out to me and I can tell you about my experience and what I’m doing. As for more traditional types of work, it depends on what you do and where you go.

      Living in another country is exciting, and challenging, and definitely something I recommend. Each country has its own unique style and culture. For example, the Spanish are notoriously late to just about everything and they take two hour lunches at about 4pm and then return to work after that, so looking at the culture is important when deciding to move.

      I hope that helps.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      Me! I moved to Poland for a year, barely knowing the language. It was a great experience, even the bits that were not so great (bonkers boss, not getting paid on time etc etc). In retrospect the experience was all so positive and really helped me grow up (I was only 22 at the time and I needed a bit of a kick in the butt haha).

      I’m thinking of doing the same, mostly waiting for my old dog to run out his years (he wouldn’t survive a trip and he wouldn’t fare well with another owner). The difference is now I own a house and everything that comes with it, so that complicates things. But as soon as I can I’m taking a year leave and going abroad again.

    3. Betsy*

      I don’t know if I’m being too much of a downer, but I want to offer an alternative perspective.

      I’ve moved overseas and it’s been really, really hard. I don’t know if you’re just feeling a little sad right now, but if you have mental health issues or are in a bit of a life rut, moving overseas away from your support networks can make you feel a lot worse.

      Of course, a lot of it is down to luck. I just haven’t had excellent luck in terms of my job, and I haven’t really made any friends here. It might be easier for you if you’re very extroverted. I’d also say to choose somewhere that you’re a bit obsessed with, rather than somewhere that offers you a job or is just easy to move to. This should help you to learn the language and learn about the culture more easily. I’m somewhere I feel neutral to mildly positive about and I think I’d be exploring a lot more if I’d had a lifelong obsession with this country and its culture.

      On the other hand, so many people say moving overseas is the highlight of their life.

      Moving overseas for work, I have found, is nothing at all like a holiday and I’ve resented walking past tourists and backpackers on my way to my demanding job. Depending on your workload and pay, you may not be able to see much of the country.

      You might also get culture shock, which is much more difficult than it sounds.

      I think the best way to approach it is to go with an open mind– that you may love it or you may not and none of this really reflects too much on you as a person. I intended to stay three years, originally, but as soon as I told myself that hey, I can leave any time I want, my culture shock, which had been very bad, went away almost overnight. A lot of expats here pride themselves on being perfect expats and boast a lot about how well they adapted and how everyone who doesn’t have a wonderful time is a loser, and then the other half seem to be a bit racist and complain all the time about this country. I think it’s more realistic to adopt an attitude somewhere in the middle– yes, you might have some trouble acclimatising to a completely different culture and you’ll be really frustrated sometimes. This doesn’t make you any less of a person than the supposedly enlightened expat who loves every moment of it and apparently has never faced any bureaucratic struggles and has decided every single local is far kinder and better than anyone in any other country in the world. On the other hand, it’s also good to realise that there are cultural differences that will affect everyday interactions and perceptions, and no all the locals are not awful people out to scam everyone, lazy and unintelligent (like some expats claim).

  23. nep*

    What’s been a true game-changer in your life? A book you read, a piece of art you experienced, something you heard someone say, something you witnessed…?

    1. dr_silverware*

      I read What The Living Do by Marie Howe very many times, a book of sad, sad poems about the narrator’s brother who died of AIDS, her family life, and her continuing to live with such a burden of history. It really brought me to poetry, and the eponymous poem What The Living Do just means a lot to me in ways I couldn’t describe without writing another poem to do that.

      Also speaking of poetry: I visited the penjing (/bonsai) garden in the Montreal Botanical Gardens. Those trees were so unbelievably beautiful–nothing like the little pine trees you see in 70s-style foyers–that I cried in front of them. They weren’t sculptural, or just miniaturization, they were a distillation of the natural beauty of a tree into a concentrated form. It was almost like a fractal–sometimes when I look at sculptures I start to look really closely at the details, and there’s a point where it stops looking realistic and starts looking like material, and that dramatically didn’t happen with these very real trees; so you can just keep looking and keep looking forever.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      When I was 18, I was working in my local shop. I remember complaining once about the long hours and then I realised that the person I was complaining to worked significantly longer hours than I did, getting up earlier to come in, then leaving for another job, whereas I worked like a 5-hour shift every few days.

      That burst of realisation really changed how I talk about things, and how I view things.

      I’m very careful now about who I talk to about certain things. For example, I don’t complain about lack of money to someone who has less than me, I don’t complain about my job to someone who doesn’t have one, etc. I think it’s made me more thoughtful and empathetic and I’m glad it hit me when I was younger.

    3. JayeRaye*

      Buffy the Vampire Slayer. No really! It premiered when I was in 8th grade. It’s worth noting that my parents were feminists and my mom was a scientist. I grew up without cable tv, Google wasn’t around yet, and Mom tried to get me books about girls doing things, but there weren’t many.

      So Buffy premieres, and for the first time I could see, on screen, a girl just a few years older than me kicking arse. She stood up to (male) authority figures, fought against the bad guys, and won. Buffy showed me that all things really were possible. For a teenage girl, she was life changing.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I’ll always remember a former boss telling me that he lives his life with this in mind: don’t worry about the things you can’t change. Whenever I find myself worrying over something that I absolutely can’t do anything about, I think about this and then I let it go. It’s helped me to become much more chilled out–maybe a little too much sometimes, as things tend to just roll off my back for the most part.

    5. fposte*

      My family really didn’t deal with anger. There are some generational reasons for that, but it meant I didn’t have many tools for it and I thought it was basically a tsunami that would destroy the world whenever I felt it. And when I was seething under deadline stress one day a boss I really liked said something, pretty nonjudgmentally, about how I would get grumpy at deadlines.

      I was blown away that my emotions were visible, that they could be talked about, that they weren’t a pending natural disaster, and that it wasn’t that big a deal to other people. I wasn’t a raging psycho, I was grumpy under stress. Oh.

    6. Hellanon*

      The idea of “yes” – I am excellent at “no” but saying yes to things that are new has been a huge boost to my career & to my personal life. It’s like that story about how John Lennon met Yoko Ono at a Fluxus show in NY – he climbed to the top of the ladder she had installed, where the message read “yes.” He said later that if it had been “No” he would have left.

    7. SpiderLadyCEO*

      Oh my God, this is so much deep shame, but fanfiction. I promise, I’m making this up. Fandom and fanfiction exposed me to everything adults didn’t want to talk to kids about, and really opened my eyes as to how much was possible and OK. I discovered it when I was 12/13, and being able to explore mature topics on my own terms was so important for me.

    8. Lily Evans*

      Reading The Likeness by Tana French when I was in high school. It’s my all time favorite book and I’ve reread it a bunch of times since, and it’s hard to explain exactly what about it made such a giant impact on teenage me. It was just the characters and the ideas that they had about life in general. I think it was one of the first things that made me realize that there were options in life beyond settling in the suburbs with a husband and kids and a 9-5 job. I happened to read it for the first time at a time in my life where it seemed like the only choice I had was college followed by chasing that dream of a white picket fence, which sounded terrible to me. So reading about a group of people who chose to opt-out and just live the life that made them happy (despite it not ending well, which is a big part of the story) made me start thinking about what I actually wanted from the future, rather than what I thought I was supposed to want.

      1. nep*

        Such weird timing.
        I was dropping a relative’s books off at a used book sale just yesterday, and noticed that book was among them. I’ve never read it or even flipped through it. Now I’m going to see if it’s still there and have a look.

    9. Middle School Teacher*

      A former boss (in my uni days) once took me aside and told me to smarten up (I needed to hear it) and said, “if one person has a problem with you, it’s their problem. But if lots of people have a problem with you, it’s YOUR problem.” It really made me think more about my interactions with people.

    10. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Reading Hitchhiker for the first time and realizing there was at least one other person out there with the same sense of humour as me.

      A few years later, going to university and realizing there are tons of other people out there who are just as excited about science and other geeky things as I am!

    11. LazyGirl*

      I read somewhere that there is always another emotion underlying anger. After I read this I started always asking myself what that emotion was if I was feeling angry. It can be lots of things. Fear, loneliness, frustration, fatigue; the list goes on and on.

      Here’s the life changing part: after doing this for a while, I started to see anger as sort of a *bad habit*. Skipping over the real emotion to anger is now framed in my head as the lazy way to deal with what’s really going on. I still feel anger, but because I’m automatically looking for the internal source I almost never lash out at a perceived external “cause”. This has been good for my relationships with my family and for my own mental health and sense of well being.

    12. Thlayli*

      Taking up a martial art. I used to have an awful temper but this really helped me control it. There’s something about punching people in the face and getting punched in the face twice a week that makes the rest of your life seem a lot easier.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      I think I have had a few game changers, but I think one of best ones was my conversations with my wise friend (WF) that I mention from time to time. WF had a fresh look at old problems, you know, those recurring things in life where we stand there and say, “Now, what do I do?” WF was never at a loss for ideas.

      After a bit I started thinking about WF’s accumulated knowledge and I realized they had been through their own version of stuff and they had to learn all these pearls of wisdom, too. Interestingly, WF never came off smug or like a know-it-all. They just had empathy for whatever was going on. WF’s inputs changed the way I look at things and the way I process things. I did not grow up in a family that knew this stuff and that made them unable to teach it. Through conversations with my WF life started making a little more sense.

    14. Kendra*

      This blog, actually! I’m a senior in college, and for most of college I was terrified of Life After Graduation because I had no idea what I was going to be doing afterwards. Reading people’s questions and comments on here gave me a much better idea of what the adult working world was like and has helped me plan for what I want to do when I graduate :)

    16. char*

      This might sound weird, but a Harry Potter fanfic really changed my life a few years ago. It basically involved Harry Potter going through a midlife crisis and magically ending up in an alternate universe where his life had gone radically differently. When he returns to his “real” universe he starts changing his life based on what he learned about himself and what he needed to really be happy. (For instance, he realized he was much happier as a craftsman than he had been in law enforcement.)

      I guess it was just a story that came at the exact right moment for me, because it got me thinking about whether what I thought I always wanted was what I actually DID want. I realized that I was making myself miserable trying to force my life to take the path I thought it was “supposed” to take. So I took a long, hard look at myself and worked on figuring out what I actually like doing and what I actually want my life to look like. I didn’t end up changing my life as radically as Harry did in the fic, but I’m a much happier and more successful person now that I’ve stopped trying to force myself to fit a mold that doesn’t suit me.

  24. Greed is something we don't need*

    This is somewhat embarrassing but does anyone have recommendations for preventing underarm sweating? I already use certain dri and its only somewhat helped, I also use a strong deodorant but it’s just not enough. Are there any stronger products I could try?

    1. Thursday Next*

      Try using antiperspirant at bedtime. There are also prescription antiperspirants.

      I have some luck puttimg cornstarch baby powder under my arms in the morning.

    2. Anon for this*

      I assume you did the regular certain dri (not the solid), used it at bedtime? If you did that and it didn’t help a lot, you might talk to your doctor about Botox or prescription products. I had terrible issues in the last but certain dri did work for me. Sorry it didn’t help you :(

      1. Greed is something we don't need*

        I do use the standard certain dri at night and it helped a little, I sweat maybe half as much now but it didn’t prevent it completely. Maybe I need a prescriptive strengh kind, thanks though

    3. Parenthetically*

      This is a radical suggestion but… as a person who formerly used Certain Dri and the strongest deo I could find, and who still got to about 3 pm and started pouring sweat, about 8 years ago I stopped using antiperspirant at all and switched to homemade deodorant. It took a couple of weeks to get used to, but now I sweat far, far less than I used to, and never smell bad. It’s actually pretty incredible when I think of how hard I used to work to stop underarm sweat and the products I used to feel like I had to use. I’m sure if you’d told my 25-year-old self I’d one day not use antiperspirant at all, I would have laughed in your face, but here we are!

        1. Parenthetically*

          Approximately equal parts baking soda and cornstarch or arrowroot, mixed with coconut oil to a thick toothpaste-esque consistency, essential oils as you like, poured into an empty deo container. In the summer I add a little melted beeswax to keep it firmer.

    4. Ali G*

      When I was in my 20s I went through a period where I sweat constantly (ironically it didn’t smell, but I could pit a shirt in about 10 min). And it was just my underarms.
      I went to my dermatologist and he prescribed an antiperspirant I put on before I went to bed. I used it for a few months and then moved down to “clinical strength” antiperspirants. I’ve been good ever since. I think it was a random hormone wackiness.

      1. Natalie*

        Yes, this is what I was going to suggest. I just started using them because I’m tired of having to go through a whole process to remove deodorant + sweat residue from my shirts and they work so well!

    6. Thlayli*

      Make sure you are using anti-perpirant instead of deodorant and don’t get the “gentle on you, gentle on the environment” kind – that doesn’t work!

    7. Kuododi*

      I would suggest a consultation with a dermatologist. They would be able to make recommendations of products both perscription and non perscription which honestly are not coming to mind right now. Additionally, if the sweating is sufficiently hard core to qualify as hyperhidrosis, the Dr would be able to recommend appropriate treatment. I have read about MDs using Botox injections as a treatment for hyperhidrosis. (Keep in mind, I’m not an MD, just making suggestion based on previous readings. Good luck!!!)

    8. Cat*

      Not deodorant, but I’ve heard some people recommend putting panty liners in the armpits of your shirts to soak up the sweat. Probably depends on the type of shirt that you wear though.

      1. Natalie*

        You can buy something called a dress shield which is actually designed for this purpose and is probably more comfortable than a panty liner. They’re super cheap online.

    9. oranges & lemons*

      This probably won’t apply to everyone, but I stopped consuming caffeine for other reasons and found that it made a big difference to how much I sweat. Might be worth giving a try–it only took a week or so for me to notice the change. I’m not even a coffee drinker, so it was just the amount in a cup of tea each day. Caffeine is just not my friend.

      1. Traveling Teacher*

        +1

        I was on my eighth cup of coffee and a coworker told me she couldn’t drink so much because caffeine made her sweat… It was like an actual light bulb lit up above my head!

    10. Sylvan*

      I read an article in which a dermatologist recommended using a blowdryer on its cool setting for 10 seconds on each armpit after applying deodorant, to help it dry and stick to your skin. It does help a bit IME.

    11. Carmen in Canada*

      Are you trying to control moisture or smell? I was having trouble with smell even with clinical strength antiperspirants so on a whim I picked up a natural deodorant (tom’s) that I liked the smell of. It was weird to feel damp under my arms at first but it did help with the odor.

    12. fort hiss*

      Check out UNIQLO’s airism undershirts that come with sweat collecting pouches. Love those things.

    13. no name for this*

      I’m late to the party, but if you’re still reading:

      I have the same problem and the only thing that has ever worked for me is Drysol (it might be called Driclor in some places). You put it on in the evening. There is a regular and a “mild” formula: both work for me, so I use the mild. But, um, the mild formula is still very strong strong and it will BURN if you have broken or irritated skin. It also smells pretty gross when you first apply it, but it’s 100% worth it for me. Some people use it every night, but now I only need to apply it once or twice a week.

      Honestly, I had tried everything else, even the extra-strength daytime antiperspirants, and nothing else worked. If they every discontinue it I will CRY.

  25. Thursday Next*

    Bibliovore, thank you for your tips re. public speaking last week in the Best and Worst thread. I took your advice and wrote out answers to a bunch of likely questions. I probably could have taken more time to breathe when it was my turn to speak, but I did a lot of deep breathing while I was waiting for my case to be called and was a lot calmer than I expected to be. Thanks again!

    1. Bibliovore*

      Yea!!!! Good job!!! Whoo, woo!!! I hate public speaking but it is a big part of my job. I can’t eat before, my stomach goes crazy, I obsessively tweak my presentation. That said once I’m talking I do okay.

  26. Foreign Octopus*

    A couple of weeks ago, I posted in the open thread about how my older brother was bringing a lot of negativity into my life with his attitude.

    Summary – older brother is deeply unhappy with his life. He doesn’t like the city he lives in (we live about 10 minutes away), he’s miserable because he’s single (5 year toxic relationship ended last year), he doesn’t make enough money (he used to earn just under 6-figures tax free and now he doesn’t), he hates his job (we do the same job), and he’s been in a vicious cycle for nearly a year now but it’s really worsened in the last few months.

    I went out for a drink with him on Monday because it had been a while since I’d seen him as I’ve been so busy with looking after my cat (who is full of beans at the moment, she’s currently stroking my scalp with her paws and I’m getting a little concerned). As soon as we sat down, he launched into complaining. I cut him off after five minutes and told him that if he was just going to be negative, I’d leave. Over the next thirty minutes, I warned him twice more that I wouldn’t be listening to his repetitive negative complaints (because I’ve heard them a thousand times before. I can predict, word for word, how every conversation with him will go).

    It finally got to the point where he was rude and sarcastic in response to something I said to cheer him up and something inside of me just snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I had enough, got up, paid for my drink, and just left. He told me it was sad that I was leaving because of that but I just honestly couldn’t bear another second in his company.

    When I got home, I started crying because I hate having to do this and I felt so guilty because I know he’s lonely, and I know he’s unhappy, but he’s been treating me like shit for months and I don’t deserve to be an emotional dumping ground for him. I felt sick and guilty for about four days after everything with horrible headaches and my mind replaying it over and over again but I’m 100% done with him until he gets his head out of his arse and realises that he can’t be cruel to the people around him just because he feels bad.

    I don’t know what’s going to happen next in our relationship. I have decided that I won’t be the one to reach out first. I’ve done that all my life. I’ve bridged the gap after arguments and I’ve had enough of always having to compromise to get the relationship back on track.

    I’m disappointed that it’s come to this but I feel so much better now that I’ve drawn my line in the sand with him, even if the guilt is still there, tugging at me when I think back on it.

    1. Maya Elena*

      Maybe that will be the push he needs to start getting himself out of his hole? Who knows.
      Buy him Jordan Peterson’s new book, “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos”. He is a psychologist with a self-improvement type message – “sort yourself out”, as he says – that has recently resonated with a LOT of young men, including my husband. I also have read a couple of chapters and highly recommend. (Although I have more right of center views than most people here, so the classical liberal views don’t bother me.)

      1. Polly*

        Wait, Jordan Peterson? I’m a new AAM reader; is this a sincere suggestion or some sort of inside joke?

        1. Maya Elena*

          Sincere. OP’s brother sounds like a resentful winer, whose life really sucks. I think the “12 rules” sends the appropriate message – take responsibility and improve yourself.
          I didn’t read the whole book but I found what I did read compelling. I’m not sure why it’s supposed to be a joke.

          1. Delphine*

            His views are dangerous and I certainly wouldn’t want to know what men are learning from him.

            1. Maya Elena*

              “Dangerous?” Which of his views are dangerous?

              The essence of his book is focusing on personal responsibility and psychological health, rather than political ideology – and the importance of responsibility in living a meaningful life. He’s a reputable clinical psychologist who studies personality and has centrist political views.

        2. NaoNao*

          I’m not a big “JP” fan but my BF is and I second that his message is really tailored for young men and really speaks to them. It’s not super palatable for true liberals/”left” leaning people because it’s very focused on “controlling chaos” which I find a little…not dog-whistle-y but in that ballpark, let’s say.
          But yes, if you’re dealing with someone who is “stuck”, that book might be a game changer.

    2. Clever Name*

      Your brother sounds a lot like my ex husband. You’re absolutely right in that you don’t deserve to be treated that way. It took me nearly 17 years to make the same realization. Your brother won’t change unless he realizes there’s a problem and gets some help. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Now that I’m no longer around that kind of negativity, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

    3. Hellanon*

      You can set and maintain boundaries with your family. They will try everything they can to make you take them back down, but you have every right to hold firm. My parents may wonder why we talk about the cats so much, but they are an excellent deflection from conversations I refuse to have…

    4. tangerineRose*

      “he can’t be cruel to the people around him just because he feels bad.” This might be a good thing to say to him if you haven’t already. Good for you for taking care of yourself.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      There is a line and it can be hard to find. We can listen to people vent and that helps them. But at some point it crosses over the line and our listening to their vents only enables them to do the same bad plan over and over.

      You are a good person who is not used to taking a firm stand with people close to you. You had to do that, I think you know this. And you have to stick with it, which you also know. So not only are you a good person but you are smart/insightful. The insights you have will help you along here. Trust yourself to read a situation accurately.

      The people I have admired most in life are people who use their minds and their hearts to make decisions. We have to factor in the differences in individuals. Your brother gets X for a reply, but someone else would get Y, a different reply. It’s not heartless to respond in a manner to protect yourself OR to respond in a manner that is tailored to what a particular individual needs to hear. I would argue the opposite way, it takes a lot of heart to want the best for people and to want to see them move toward something better.

  27. AnonSharing*

    Just some drama sharing. My friend/cousin is dating this much older man (30 years older, my cousin is late 20s, divorced a year ago from first husband). We all sort of questioned her judgment but knowing her “dig in” personality, we have said nothing. but this week she shared a picture of herself with his family. Reader, I cannot stress to you how much my cousin looks like his daughter (they are within a couple years in age). It is freaky. Same hair, same coloring, same height, very similar features. You could easily think they were sisters. My sister is debating pointing this out, but I don’t know if it will do any good. But this is super weird, right? Who dates someone who looks exactly like their daughter?

    1. AnonSharing*

      Some context: I told her that her first husband was bad news before they got engaged (he was the kind of guy who was always talking a big game about what he was going to do but never actually doing it. He basically was unemployed and played video games all day throughout their marriage). She didn’t speak to me for months. The current boyfriend comes with a parade of red flags (ex wives, bankruptcies) and also does the big “talk a big game” thing.

      2. Thlayli*

        This was my first thought too. Don’t judge him too harshly till you see a pic of what his wife looked like when he fell in love with her. I bet cousin looks a lot like wife did then.

      3. Triple Anon*

        That was my first thought as well, but you’d think he would still avoid dating someone who looks just like his daughter.

        1. Observer*

          Why?

          Also it’s worth noting that parents often see their children very differently than everyone else seems them. So he might not even realize the resemblance.

        2. Tiara Tiara*

          Why? If she looks like his daughter because the daughter looks like her mother and that’s his type, you think he should avoid dating women he is attracted to because they happen to look similar to his daughter? That seems like a weird thing to expect.

    3. Turtlewings*

      It may not be quite as weird as it looks. It’s very possible this dude just has a type, i.e. your sister and the daughter’s mother look similar because that’s the kind of woman he dates, and the daughter just strongly resembles her mother.

    4. Brunch with Sylvia*

      Agree that he is probably not dating her because she looks like his daughter. But I think the running subtext is your concern for her and I believe that you are right on the money here.
      I was your friend/cousin 20 years ago. My older sister maintained a relationship with me despite my disasterously bad choices. And it was a gentle intervention from her that helped me see that I had a way out of an emotionally/physically/sexually/financially abusive marriage to someone older than our parents.
      You may not be able to do more than that. But if you do that, it may be the thing that helps her.

    5. NaoNao*

      I agree as others have said, could have a type and it’s his daughter’s MOM rather than daughter. But also, science has shown that many are attracted to those that physically resemble them (and partly why so many couples look weirdly alike) so perhaps he’s drawn to her for that reason too!
      I’ll never forget the shock when my long ago BF showed me a painting of his mom and she bore a *strong* resemblance to me! That to me is more concerning!

  28. dr_silverware*

    Thank you all for your recommendations about how to start exercising habitually a few weeks back. It’s nothing quite bragworthy but I’ve done some kind of work-out every week for the past 8, and I’m actually looking forward (!!!) to going on a run in about ten minutes.

    What minor or not so minor victories have you all had recently?

    1. Laura H*

      I’m doing my own taxes this year! (With the help of software- but) My father filed all my previous returns. This year it hit me- I’m 27 and this is my 4th year filing-I should do it.

      1. Sparrow*

        I did mine this year too! Software and having my documents together made it easy, and now I won’t be scared of doing them next year!

    2. TheTallestOneEver*

      I’m in my mid 40s and never learned to swim. My mother has a major fear of the water and it transferred to me. I’ve taken group classes both as a child and as an adult, but by the end, I could only float a little bit and was still uncomfortable in water past my knee caps. I still couldn’t swim.

      I signed up for private lessons and today was the first one. At the end of 30 minutes, I was able propel myself forward a little with one of those floating barbell tools! I have a way to go before I’ll be able to swim a lap, but it still felt like a minor victory to me this morning.

    3. Artemesia*

      I tested with high blood sugar last fall. I have always been a little high but in the normal range; this puts me in the pre-diabetic range and I also then had the A1c test that measure for 3 mos and that put me there too. I have always eaten a lot of sugar but was skinny and energetic and could get away with it. But I had put on maybe 15 pounds I don’t need over the past few years and about 35 over my skinny college weight. So panicked, I just stopped eating 90% of the refined sugar I usually ate and cut about 75% of pasta, potatoes, rice, white breads etc. I also cut out fruit juice and moved to almond milk for smoothies for breakfast and to filtered milk with half the lactose for my lattes (I was shocked at how much sugar there is in milke) I have such a sweet tooth, so I just did this pretty much cold turkey. In 3 mos I dropped 10 pounds without paying attention to calories and in the last month another 2. I am aiming for maybe 5 more. I am not overweight, but I still have more fat on my belly than I would like. I haven’t weighed this little since I was about 45. The blood sugar snuck back into normal for single fasting measure after 3 mos but the 3 mos scan still puts me at pre-diabetic. Apparently this is a side effect of taking statins, but my doctor doesn’t want me to quite the statins since at my advanced age, heart disease it the biggest risk. But I have amazed myself at the ability to just stop with the sugar and just stick with it. I who could easily pound down a bag of oreos in two days just cannot believe I could both do this and also not really miss it as much as I thought I would. I had never had that much will power.

  29. esra*

    New to fitness question: How do you prevent crappy sessions?

    I’ve been doing boxing lessons for about six weeks, and figured out pretty quickly that you need to actually… have upper body strength and core strength and cardio to punch things. So I started a routine of 2x week elliptical and treadmill, 2x week strength and stretching, 1x week 1-1 training, and 2x rest days. It’s been going absurdly well, considering my last fitness experience was wallowing through grade 9 gym class. Until this week. My session sucked. I sucked. My timing was off, I tired out too fast, I was sweaty and lightheaded. I figure part of it is not eating enough this past week, I’m terrible about maintaining good food habits when work gets busy, but was wondering what else people do to help ensure workouts go well and you don’t like, pass out into a puddle?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      For me it’s all about frame of mind. If I have a crappy day emotionally, meaning I harp on things (in my mind) I can’t change. or I keep thinking about how I don’t want to workout, I tend to have a crappy session. I just slog through it without making as much effort as I should. But when try to stay in a good frame of mind, I find I have more energy, don’t dread the workout and push harder.

      Eating well, too, is a big part of it. I’ve had gastric bypass, which means I’m sensitive to sugar and carbs like bread, crackers, etc. As long as I don’t spend all day eating crap, I feel much better going into a workout. And I don’t eat close to a workout, either. I try to not eat anything at least an hour and a half before I head into the gym.

    2. bluelyon*

      Sleep! Getting a solid night’s sleep is key – then your body is ready to work as opposed to playing catch up. And drink lots of water if you’re not already.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This. If I didn’t get enough sleep, I would have terrible skating sessions the next day. Ugh. And eating well–though I couldn’t have a big breakfast before skating (who wants to jump on a full stomach, LOL), getting the right balance of protein and carbs was key. One time I had a turkey sandwich on wheat bread before a freestyle session and it was amazing–I had oodles of energy and busted some moves. :D

    3. tri training*

      You just started this heavier regime 6 weeks ago, maybe you’re just tired. Also I think if it’s one session once in a while it means you are human; if it starts happening more often, some more digging might be necessary. But I think a good trainer will work with you – for example, a friend of mine was just diagnosed with a pretty aggressive brain cancer and my session 2 days after that news started horribly – but after telling my trainer what was going on (and he knew I was off even before I told him, just watching me do the exercises), he changed what he had planned and we did great work but not like heavier weights or this new snatch we’d been practicing because that required more concentration than I could offer that day. Life happens. The main thing is to not let a bad session derail your whole training.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree 100%. Going through all I went through last year, my trainer really worked to make my workout sessions good. He knew all that was going on and could tell when I needed to do something a little less strenuous, or when a change of pace would help lift my spirits a bit.

    4. fposte*

      So you’ve been doing 5x weekly workouts of one kind or another for close to six weeks (presuming the non-boxing stuff started later). I think it would be more surprising if you *hadn’t* had a crappy session.

      I don’t know what the actual sports psychology would be, but to me the goal isn’t to prevent crappy sessions, it’s to develop over time. Sometimes the line for that isn’t straight.

    5. nep*

      There are going to be days like that. Our bodies can be affected by so many things.
      I’m going to second the sleep suggestion — lack of sleep affects everything, of course, so even if that was not the cause this last time, just always a good habit. Adequate water too. And of course, it could have been related to not eating enough as you say. (Are you getting enough nutrients like Vitamin D?)
      In general, though, it’s OK to just have ‘off’ days in the gym — it happens.
      Keep us posted.

    6. Dead Quote Olympics*

      As you and others said, food. I make sure I have a protein breakfast on the mornings I work out, otherwise I can feel weak and tired. Knowing when to back off the intensity a little if you are already tired in a particular single workout, or take an extra rest day, or push less in the workouts leading up to your most intense workout. Also, feeling like you went back to the beginning of your fitness experience might be a sign your trainer detected a plateau and is pushing you harder. If it’s easy all the time, you aren’t improving.

    7. Thlayli*

      Based on the fact that you got really tired really quickly it sounds like you are correct – this was caused by not eating properly. Body needs fuel to work out properly. Remember carbs before working out, protein after. Water during. Energy drinks are usually just a waste of money for most training needs.

      Good luck.

    8. Kendra*

      In high school track, I learned that I had to drink a lot of water during the day before exercising or I would be getting a lot of side stitches later that day.

      For rock climbing, I make sure that if I haven’t been able to eat properly beforehand (too busy to eat dinner before, going first thing in the morning before breakfast) I drink full-sugar Gatorade before and during the climbing session and that helps so my muscles work the way I want them too.

      And sometimes you will have off days and that’s totally fine! If you’re not feeling great, do something easier that day. Don’t let the easier version become a habit, but don’t worry about it either :)

    9. Epeeist*

      Eating is huge, and remember to stay hydrated as well, as I’m sure you know. And like others have said, sometimes sessions just don’t go well. I’m a competitive fencer. Usually in practice I do well, but there are sessions where my distance and timing are completely off, beginners wipe the floor with me, and the only points I get are when people accidentally run themselves onto my blade. And I’ve been doing this for almost 14 years! Some days the thing you train may be to cut yourself some slack, take time to enjoy what you’re doing (the feeling of movement, being out with other people, etc.), and to notice the little things you’re doing well.

    10. paul*

      Crappy sessions happen. I usually lift 3x a week; I figure in a month 1-3 of them will rock 1-3 of them will suck, most are just what they are. You just gotta go with it.

    11. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Honestly, fposte is probably the most on the money. Even if you do everything right you’re going to have an off day – and that’s fine! Know yourself and know when to back off.

      Fueling is important, and you want to make sure you’re on top of that. Rest is important as well. But most importantly, remember that one bad workout once in a while doesn’t mean much of anything. Everyone gets a freebie.

    12. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I have good sessions and bad ones, but the bad ones I can usually always link to: stress, too much bread-eating, poor sleep, or (pre) time of the month. All the usual culprits.

      If I am training alone or in group training then I may back off a little and lighten the workout but still go to complete something. If I am training with the trainer (and BOY can he tell if I am off) I will push through but he will usually lighten the sets by a few reps. He did ask the last time this happened (two weeks ago) what I had eaten that day and it occurred to me I really hadn’t eaten that much. So last week I made sure to have a quick bite or two of a Kind bar a half hour before and that helped immensely and i had a great workout.

    13. Elan Morin Tedronai*

      For me it’s about establishing a routine and knowing the limits and quirks about your body. And staying hydrated. Also: please please please have at least one rest day a week. No point in pounding your body for 3 weeks straight, then pulling/breaking something and have to spend much longer in recovery.

      Source: Doing the Insanity workout.

  30. CityMouse*

    I have been struggling with a cough after working out lately. I am not sure if it is allergies or asthma but I cough and wheeled all day after an intense cardio session this week and last week. It doesn’t happen every time. Anyone have experience with this?

    1. fposte*

      Crudely–coughing could be allergies or just plain track hack, but wheezing is likelier to be asthma. Get that sucker checked out for real–if it is asthma, maintenance is really important.

      1. CityMouse*

        Yeah, it’s frustrating because I grew out of my childhood asthma, but it seems to be making a comeback in my 30s. I’ll be due for my physical next month, so I’ll bring it up then.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          When I started coughing and wheezing in my 30s after growing out of my childhood asthma, my allergist father said, “It tends to come back in women around the 30s.” Get checked. I’m still fine unless I’m sick, air quality is bad or below 35°F, or working exceedingly hard, but my inhaler helps.

    2. Betsy*

      Yeah, seconded that it sounds very like asthma, as this happens to me. I had childhood asthma too, and it came back around my late 20s/early 30s.

      Coughing is a very common asthma sign, but not many people associate it with asthma.

      1. Enough*

        I knew there was a possibly that at least one of my daughter’s might developed asthma as their allergies first presented as night coughs at age 4. The older one was diagnosed with exercise induced asthma in her early 20’s.

    3. Mephyle*

      Although the most likely causes have already been mentioned, another thing to check for is silent reflux or laryngopharyngeal reflux. It’s when stomach acids and/or enzymes spill up your esophagus but there is no heartburn, so you don’t necessarily realize what’s causing it.

  31. Laura H*

    I’m donating blood today- or at least will attempt to, as the last time I tried in college I had trouble staying still I think due in part to my spastic Cerebral Palsy.

    So please send good vibes on that. I’d love to give blood to someone other than a phlebotomist!! I may not be able to save the world, but 3 lives is a great thing right?

    Now I gotta go get dressed and chug some more water- and maybe heat up some of yesterday’s lentils for a bit of iron in my breakfast. Did lentils and rice yesterday for dinner- was yummy!

    1. Anona*

      Good luck! And I hope you get to eat all the donating blood snacks! It’s really sweet that you’re attempting this.

    2. fposte*

      Good luck! I would definitely hydrate up big time in preparation–the juicier the are, the faster you flow, and the quicker you get out (and thus the shorter time you have to stay still).

    3. CityMouse*

      Good luck! I get super nervous when donating blood and get bounced for high pulse rate sometimes. I sometimes use headphones with music to stay calm during the tests (I’ve never passed out during the actual donation).

      1. Laura H*

        Squick-warning

        Odd thing, at the phlebotomist- I can’t watch the needle go in, but watching the stuff flow through the line and fill the test tubes is a little mesmerizing.

        1. fposte*

          That’s pretty much me too. (And it’s kind of a pretty color.) Maybe it’s more common than we realized.

        3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          I do this too! It’s strangely fascinating to see what blood looks like in the tubes.

    5. LemonLyman*

      I have a rare bone marrow disorder and can’t give blood but have been a recipient of blood and platelet donations in the past…so thank you!!!!

      To others who read this, I need blood that’s CMV free (or CMV negative), also called “infant blood.” CMV (cytomegalovirus) is a flu-like virus that most adults are exposed to at some point. However, not all are. So, if someone like myself needs blood but has a compromised immune system and hasn’t been exposed, our doctors have to be careful that the donated blood is CMV free, or it could be harmful to us. CMV free blood is also given to babies and children since they have not yet been exposed to the virus. If you’re a donor, find out if you’re CMV free! Your special blood could save a life!

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        My father and brother both are CMV negative and routinely give blood, dad especially. They have something else going on too, either an antigen is missing or the blood type is more rare as the Red Cross will actually call dad between his scheduled donations to come give another donation if it is needed. Glad to hear it helps someone!

    6. Laura H*

      Sadly was unable to donate- was marked ineligible in the system upon providing ID- not sure why I’m in there that way, will pursue on Monday.

      1. Laura H*

        Thanks. Bit bummed and annoyed… and concerned slightly. Pretty sure I’m in good enough health to donate but I didn’t even have my iron count checked- can’t be that…

        1. Someone else*

          I don’t know if this is true everywhere, but in my area if you’re insta-rejected, they tell you why in the moment: you donated too recently, you’ve been ill too recently, you ticked some box on a form that makes you ineligible for x amount of time. It’s odd to me they’d reject you and not say why in the moment. Or did you not even get as far as filling out the paperwork with the ticky boxes? Did they just look you up in the computer and say no immediately?

          1. Laura H*

            Computer look up. It was also done at a church location, rather than the main facility- I was told that the main facility systems have specific details specifying why the indefinite deferral is there that these mobile systems do not.

            As for all the typical rejection factors- I’m pretty sure I’m all good there.

            I did try donating in the fall of 2009, and was unsuccessful because I couldn’t stay still due to my spasticity caused by my cerebral palsy. And IIRC, I’m ineligible to donate bone marrow due to my condition. And I am accepting of that, but yeah I’m calling on Tues to get to the bottom of why I’m not eligible to merely donate blood.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Mmm lentils are AMAZING.
      This reminds me that I need to find a way to give blood regularly once I’m working again. It was easy when I was still at Exjob–the bloodmobile came right to us and we didn’t have to clock out to do it.

  32. needed to tell someone secret*

    I have an inappropriate crush on someone. I don’t get crushes easily. I thought I was asexual until I was twenty and met the first one. I’m thirty one and have has two since, including spouse. My spouse and I are long distance for another month until his transfer takes effect and I have been trying hard to go out and meet new friends in our new city, with minimal success that is very proportionate to how little time I have been here, and I’m okay with it coming slowly.

    But! I click really well with a new friend and realized the other day that I am very into them as more than just friends. I want to preserve this very new friendship! They are very nice! I think spouse will get along with them too! I don’t have any other new friends who I’ve felt I like enough to make them more than “have dinner with every once in a while friend.” But. Inappropriate crush is inappropriate and I am so confused because they happen so infrequently and I am very happy with spouse. Our lives are perfect. There is no reason for these inappropriate feelings. I would like them to go away so I can be good friends with this lovely person.

    And I can’t tell anyone about this because I don’t want their takeaway to be that things are going badly with spouse. They’re not! I’m just very surprised by one of my infrequent crushes and would like to share it with someone.

    1. Turtlewings*

      I think the key here might be just reminding yourself (repeatedly, if necessary!) that because you have a feeling doesn’t mean you have to DO anything about it. You can just… accept that you’re feeling a thing, and move along without acting on it. Easier said than done, sure, but the point is that the feelings are not an emergency. You don’t have to do anything about them. They can just be.

    2. Emilie*

      Crushes happen. And they don’t necessarily imply that you’re not happy with your spouse – it’s just a case of weird brain chemistry. If it’s only for a month, you’ll get through this I’m sure :) As Turtlewings very wisely points out; having feelings and acting on those feelings are two very different things. And having feelings that might seem a bit… Contrary, is not a big deal. It happens to most people during their life. You’re not wrong or bad, just a completely normal person with completely normal feelings.

    3. Thlayli*

      I imagine this is particularly hard for you because it happens so infrequently, but you can totally learn to deal with it. This happens to most people a LOT more than 4 times in their life. When I was a teenager I probably had crushes 4 times a week! You just have to learn to ignore it and remind yourself that lust is not love. Feelings are not wrong – you feel how you feel. so long as you don’t ACT on your inappropriate feelings you’re fine.

      Just keep treating the new Friend as a friend and the spouse as a spouse, and with time this will probably pass.

    4. Still happily married*

      This has happened to me several times during my marriage; I’m also a person who rarely has crushes. In one case, the former crush and I are really good friends now, and friend has never known I had a crush. And good friend is friends with my spouse too. One thing that helped was when I realized that the energy one feels when they ‚click’ with someone doesn’t have to develop in a sexual way. Friendship has its own form of intimacy and the strong emotions could be interpreted as a sign that you are well matched as friends, not romantic partners, even though it might physically feel a lot like you did when you met your spouse. I managed the crush phase by taking the beginning of the friendship slowly. Spouse got my full attention when we were together (for a long distance setting that will look a little different, but maybe when texting spouse, you don’t check for messages from others, especially new friend. I also was careful not to use new friend as a confidante for things I wouldn’t tell my spouse. Whenever I would think about crush, I would literally tell myself that this was a soul-mate friend and not a romantic relationship. Crush feelings subsided and friendship remained strong. I also intentionally and frequently daydreamed about all the ways my spouse is sexy and awesome. (I still do this- it’s a much better thing to think about than all the other crap going on these days and my brain is always „on” unless I’m asleep.)

      Your brain is going to toss random thoughts out to reinforce the crush and downgrade the spouse. But as a wise neighbor once told me, „not every thought that passes through your brain comes from the real you, and you can decide you who are.” You can choose to reject thoughts that go somewhere you don’t want to go. You might have to reject them repeatedly, but seeing them as the result of random neurons firing and not your real thoughts could help.

      Most of all, realize that this is totally normal, and the infrequency of your crushes doesn’t have any significance or meaning.

    5. Melody Pond*

      I don’t mean this to sound unsympathetic – but I am often baffled by this thought process, when I hear people describe it like you have:

      Inappropriate crush is inappropriate and I am so confused because they happen so infrequently and I am very happy with spouse. Our lives are perfect. There is no reason for these inappropriate feelings.

      Of course you have a crush on another human being besides your spouse. The chances of you going through a multi-decade marriage without that happening were always going to be very low (even with where you are on the asexuality spectrum). It means that you are human and other people will occasionally be appealing to you, even though you love and appreciate what you’ve got.

      It’s like if your primary go-to dessert of choice was cake. You love cake, it’s awesome, and you have some kind of cake after every dinner as your dessert. Except one day… you know what? Randomly, pie sounds like it might be good, too. Does that mean that there’s something wrong with cake? Of course not. And maybe for you, the idea of pie doesn’t sound good enough that you’re actually going to choose the pie over the cake, even for just a few nights. But it doesn’t mean that cake has somehow failed to satisfy you – it just means you’re human, and on some instinctive level we crave variety.

      I’ve heard Dan Savage say something to this effect, and I wholeheartedly agree: Monogamy doesn’t mean, “we’re never going to be attracted to, or sexually interested in, any other person through out the duration of our relationship.” Rather, it means, “we’re probably going to be attracted to other people occasionally, and maybe even sometimes have the opportunity to act on it, but we’re agreeing ahead of time that we won’t act on those attractions or opportunities when they come up.”

      For myself personally… cake and I have an explicit agreement that if I happen to see a pie I might like to try, or if someone else is interested in my cake, and there’s opportunity to try it – we get to do that, so long as we’re both each other’s number one priority (and certain safety requirements are met). :)

    6. LilySparrow*

      Feelings are like weather, they happen. But if it’s raining, it doesn’t mean anything about your life choices or your relationships. It’s just information that this is a person you click with.

      Trying to squash feelings only makes them turn wierd. The simplest approach I’ve found is to acknowledge them and release them, repeatedly. Over time they become ordinary and fade.

      “Message received, thank you. No change needed.”

  33. Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate*

    All the hair threads have me thinking about skincare! (I lie, I’m always thinking about skincare. I’ve gotten really into it and have learned a ton about cosmetic chemistry and dermatology. Anyone else?

    Alternatively, any questions I can answer for folks? Delighted to recommend products or approaches!

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Just the person I need!

      My skin’s not bad but it’s not brilliant either. It’s a little sensitive to perfumed products and I don’t wear make-up because 1. I’m lazy and 2. I always break out.

      I’m looking for a really good day moisturiser for face. The one I have at the moment cost me 2€ at the local supermarket so I can’t imagine it’s great for my skin. Any recommendations for something that’s affordable, is cruelty free, and is, preferably, natural?

      1. Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate*

        What qualifies as cruelty-free for you? Does that rule out any brand that sells in China (because their laws require animal testing)?

        Honestly, moisturizers are pretty interchangeable — if you find one that works well for you and doesn’t break you out, it’s not bad to stick with it! I’m generally a proponent of multiple inexpensive steps aimed at specific issues (vs. trying to find one Do It All product that will solve everything).

    2. WellRed*

      I love skin care, far more than the hair care. But there so many products these days! too many! Serums? Primers? BB? CC? Glow drops? Tinted moisturizer. Retinol! Peptides!

      1. Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate*

        There’s a LOT, isn’t there? Most of the ones you named are more makeup than skincare, but serum is basically a generic term for a really concentrated bunch of active ingredients (not cleansing or moisturizing, just delivering whatever it is you think your skin should have) — the multi-step Asian beauty routines often call them ampoules or essences too depending on their viscosity, just for added confusion.

        Retinoids are vitamin A derivatives and one of the few well-studied ingredients with a ton of scientific evidence to back them up. They’re good at clearing up acne, reducing wrinkles and other visible signs of aging, can actually increase your skin’s collagen production (basically making your skin look plumper), and generally increasing the speed of your cell turnover. They also dry like a MF, can have nasty side effects, and wildly increase your sensitivity to UV radiation.

        And peptides…IDEK man. I’m still learning. :D

    3. BRR*

      I want a moderately intense skin care routine but have no idea if mine is good. I exfoliate a couple times a week, use a face mask once a week, use cetaphil cleanser when I shower, and use an alcohol free toner every morning.

      I’m a man with oily skin and have been having issues breaking out recently. I think it’s the cleanser or toner based on timeline.

      1. Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate*

        So #1: try cutting out both the new products, going back to something that you know works for you, until your skin calms down. Then reintroduce them one at a time, giving them at least a couple of weeks of isolated testing, to figure out what the issue is.

        My guess is that it’s the Cetaphil — it was reformulated at some point at a much higher pH, which isn’t great for your skin. (Google “acid mantle” — basically, tl;dr, your skin’s natural pH is slightly acidic, but most bacteria like a more basic environment, so when you raise your skin’s pH you make it easier for the bacteria that like to eat sebum to get into your pores.)

        How do you exfoliate? Physical exfoliation (scrubs, etc.) is generally harsher than chemical exfoliation (mostly in the form of hydroxy acids, AHAs and BHAs) and can also upset your skin.

        Do you hydrate and moisturize your skin? I know, as a fellow oily-skin-haver, that it sounds unnecessary, but it’s really done wonders for my shininess! Your skin has a surface barrier of lipids and dead skin cells that keeps the sebum in, where it belongs, instead of leaking out onto the surface of your face, and prevents too much trans-epidermal water loss. I swear by products containing hyaluronic acid for hydration (water retention) and products containing ceramides — CeraVe is a cheap US drugstore brand, but you can go quite expensive with this — to help my lipid barrier stay strong.

    4. Rebecca*

      I’m older (mid 50’s) and have fine hair on my face, and I’d like to get rid of it, but not sure how…and don’t want to just try something that will irritate my skin and make me look weird for days :) My skin is very sturdy, no real allergies, so I wasn’t sure if sugaring, waxing or what would be the best option.

      2. Damn it, Hardison!*

        I have a lot of peach fuzz so I got a Panasonic facial hair trimmer on Amazon (specifically the ES2113PC). I find it works really well, and I’ve never scratched myself with it. If you’d like to have it professionall done, look for a spa that does dermaplaning. The process scrapes off the fuzz and exfoliates your skin. I get it done at a spa maybe once a year and do it myself every week or so at home. My makeup goes on so much smoother now.

      3. Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate*

        I shave mine when it really bothers me. (I’m a woman.) Waxing always leaves me red afterwards, which is okay on the brows but weird on the cheeks.

      1. Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate*

        Depends on the cause. I assume you’d know if it’s rosacea, but do a little googling and see if it sounds right. If it’s just reddened skin, it could be irritation or overexfoliation depending on the rest of your routine. Otherwise, soothing ingredients like honey, aloe, snail mucin, etc., can be helpful, as can niacinamide. (I use Cerave PM moisturizer, which has niacinamide, and I like it. There are standalone products as well but I haven’t seen convincing evidence that substantial higher concentrations are more effective.

        So, what’s your redness like? And what’s the rest of your routine?

  34. The Other Dawn*

    I’m very excited: I’m headed back to the orthopedic to find out about a pain relief procedure. Not excited about the procedure itself, but the possibility I’ll get some real pain relief for my back. I absolutely dread going to work, because I know I have to sit/stand at my desk all day. And I dread coming home, because I can’t just sit and watch TV all night like I used. Even going to bed sucks, because I’ll wake up around 3 am and start the tossing and turning until it’s time to get up. The only time I don’t have some level of pain is when I’m moving and working out. Obviously I have to work and I have to sleep, so I’m hoping I’ll get relief soon.

    I’m also excited because I cooked dinner the other night. I mentioned last week how I just have no motivation at all to cook. Well, I checked our Budget Bytes and found a recipe for a homemade hamburger helper-type dish. It was super easy and delicious! I could only eat a few forkfuls because paste fills me up really fast (gastric bypass), but it was still very yummy. I think I’m going to go back to making one new recipe a week, mainly from my many cookbooks, which should get me going. I think, too, once I get some pain relief it will help me overall to be more motivation about several things.

    1. fposte*

      Can you share what procedure you’re looking into, Dawn? My exercises were helping at my old stenosis site until I apparently recently slipped another disk at a higher level; it’s not as bad, but it’s really hard to do therapy for it without aggravating the stenosis issues. So I’m keen to hear about other possibilities.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        It’s nucleoplasty, or percutaneous disc decompression. They dissolve the center of the disc to take the pressure off the nerve. It’s supposed to make the disc stop bulging. I’ll know more on Tuesday though. That’s when I’ll find out all my options. I’ll be sure to post next weekend!

        1. fposte*

          Please do; I’m especially interested in knowing if they can do it on a minimally invasive basis and what recovery times are like.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            From what little I was told by the PA of the doctor that did the cortisone injections–and some Googling–it’s a 20-30 minute outpatient procedure, minimally invasive, and recovery time is a few days. But the ortho is the one that would do it, so I’m sure he will have a lot more to say about it when I see him Tuesday.

    2. BRR*

      Would an under desk set of bike pedals help at work? I don’t know if that’s enough movement. I hope this procedure helps!

    3. Blue Eagle*

      You may want to check into Healing Yoga by Loren Fishman MD (and, of course, ask your health care practitioner about the exercises before you start). He shows yoga postures that will help 7 different types of back problems, plus other body ache problems, and describes what to do and what NOT to do to relieve pain. The information helped my back issues. You may want to check it out (the book may be available from your local library) and see if the information would help you.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I disagree with you about shallots (they’re a great alternative to red onions imo) but I think asparagus is overrated.

      1. CityMouse*

        Red onions are one of my heartburn triggers, unfortunately, so I like alternatives.

        Asparagus is one of my favorite foods. I do think it is overcooked a lot (it’s really best when still crunchy, either eaten raw or lightly cooked) and overcooked asparagus is gross.

      2. Dopameanie*

        You pay triple the price of a red onion for half the volume. Marie Antoinette could have said “let them flavor their cake with shallots!” and the French would have revolted even sooner.

        I’m cool with asparagus in homemade cream of asparagus soup and on the grill and sautéed in bacon fat. Things that make asparagus taste good: garlic and fat. Things that don’t: shallots.

        1. Pollygrammer*

          I can’t remember which is shallots and which is scallions. I know neither of them are scallops though!

          1. Dopameanie*

            How I remember: scallions are baby onion plants, aka green onions. They are cheap.

            Shallots are miniature onions, like with the paper skin on the outside. They are advertised as a mix of gentle garlic and onion flavor, but this is a deception by Big Shallot to get you to pay too much for a subpar onion substitute. Shallots write their own press releases, while scallions are harvested before they get the chance.

      3. WellRed*

        Avocado is overrated in my book. I agree with the comment below about Tennyson and shallots though ; ) I am also an English major.

        1. CatCat*

          “Avocado is overrated in my book.”

          OH NO YOU DIDN’T!

          I’d eat it all the time if that were feasible. It’s the butter of produce.

          1. Gretta*

            I developed an allergy to them in my late 20’s, so I know what I’m missing. All of this avocado slander makes me cry inside.

            1. Dopameanie*

              You know what? Your tears are delicious. I would say they taste better than avocados but that IS A VERY LOW BAR

          2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

            I like avocados but have never yet bought a good one in the UK. Some of them are tolerable but mostly I have given up buying them unless they are on super sale.

        2. Detective Amy Santiago*

          I am not an avocado fan. Or rather, a guacamole fan. The texture is weird to me.

          1. Alcott*

            Guacamole is the color and texture of something that should be coming out of the body, not going into it

          1. Natalie*

            Ages ago I was in line at a Chipotle.

            Child next to me: “What’s guacamole?”
            Me: “It’s made out of avocados, it tastes like that.”
            C: “What do avocados taste like?”
            [extremely long pause]
            Me: “Uh… like green, I guess?”

        4. Lady Kelvin*

          I hate avacados. If I accidentally bite into one that I didn’t know was on my taco/sandwich I’ll gag and can’t finish it. I know it makes me unpopular but they are slimy and flavorless.

      4. paul*

        You are as wrong as a very wrong thing indeed. Yesterdays dinner was 2 slices of pepperjack cheese, 2 eggs, and 3 lbs of asparagus. It was awesome (we’ll not talk about the gas…). Asparagus, cooked correctly, is the tastiest vegetable I know of.

      5. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Cool story, but asparagus is in fact *under*-rated as the vegetable of the gods.

        Rhubarb, on the other hand… whoever thought that was a good thing to eat? And don’t get me started on the evils of cucumber.

        1. Dopameanie*

          Rhubarb! Whole separate rant! Why on earth would you want to eat something that wants to poison you so badly?!

    2. Laura H*

      “Shallot” makes me think Tennyson, not vegetable. (English degree)

      On that note, vegetables are tricky and to each their own.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Business degree here: what’s the connection? Tennyson is the name of a customer of mine. Weird.

        1. Laura H*

          Lord Alfred Tennyson wrote a poem, “The Lady of Shallot” no real relation to the vegetable.

          1. Canadian Natasha*

            Now I really want a spoof poem made about the Lady of Shallot(s) in the same style.

          1. Dopameanie*

            See, now I’m gonna have to google it and abandon my anti-shallot empire for a new click hole. I see through your tricks; you are being paid off by Big Shallot, aren’t you? Aren’t you!?

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      FIGHT! Shallots are a lovely way to add allium flavor without the punch of onions or the sharpness of garlic. I don’t use them enough.

      So I’ll just take your share. :-)

      1. Dopameanie*

        ITS ON NOW!!

        Punch and sharp are how we know we are ALIVE. Shallots are the flavoring equivalent of living your life in a 1950’s quaaludes haze. Viva la allium!

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Sometimes we want to give our palates a gentle bath of richness (beurre blanc) and not a POW! in the kisser (Jose Andres’s delicious cilantro sauce for his salt-wrinkled potatoes). There is room for BOTH in our lives! Can I get a “harrumph”?

          1. Dopameanie*

            I will see your harrumph and RAISE you a ‘balderdash!’

            Gentle baths of richness: Kenny G. Tiramisu. Literal baths.

            Overrated less-effective onion: shallots. Totally different categories.

      2. many bells down*

        I love onions of all kinds, but my stomach does not. Shallots make me less sick than other types of onion. They make me cry worse when slicing them, though, despite all the “no crying” tricks I use.

        1. Dopameanie*

          I am willing to carve out an exemption in my no-shallots position for Health Reasons. I don’t have to like it though.

          Like shallots, really.

    4. CAA*

      I like shallots! I use one whenever I would otherwise put half an onion in something, such as when I’m cutting a recipe down so we don’t have too many leftovers. This way I don’t have leftover onion halves sitting in my fridge.

      1. Dopameanie*

        1. Leave your onions on the counter, not the fridge.
        2. I freeze the leftover onion with the rest of my veggie scraps so I can make homemade broth once I get a pot full. This has both the benefits of better tasting broth than what you can buy in the store, AND let’s me act insufferably smug when people ask for my recipe.
        3. Chopped onions belong as a garnish on lots of foods.

        1. LCL*

          1. Leave the onions in the grocery store for those people who think onions are food.
          2 . If you never bring onions into the house you won’t have to hide them in the broth.
          3. Being presented with a restaurant meal that has been garnished with chopped green onions makes me homicidal. Like the chicken, cheese and bacon panini I was served today.WTF, people?! /
          I still tipped well and was civil, but I will be contacting the management.

          1. Dopameanie*

            LCL, I have a few thoughts on your anti-allium blasphemy. In the interest of space (and to prevent me from finding you and shoving homemade French Onion Soup down your unappreciative throat) I will summarize: Here, allow me to present you with a spoon so you may eat my a**. I expect you will enjoy the taste, since you OBVIOUSLY have something wrong with your tastebuds, IF NOT YOUR VERY SOUL.

            1. LCL*

              Ha. Not the first time I have been accused of being soulless and mentally deficient because of my onion hate.

              1. Dopameanie*

                Before I read your post I knew the lizard people conspiracy was nonsense. Now I am less certain. What other possible explanation is there? Onions and downstream foods from onions are how humans experience LIFE

          1. Dopameanie*

            In a little cling wrap, or if you have space they make a half-onion plastic holder thing. Apples and onions both break down in the fridge. Also they should not be stored in the place as potatoes.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      And while we’re talking about overrated, let’s talk about cilantro. Soapy devil weed! Should all be burned and the earth salted so it can never grow again!!

      1. Dopameanie*

        I was with you until I tasted chimichurri sauce the first time. Now I grow a little in my herb garden to keep it in stock. Plus you get coriander from the same plant. And coriander is pretty great.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I’m good with chimichurri because it has other things to take the edge off the cilantro, and coriander is good in small amounts. But just cilantro? Noooooooo.

          1. Dopameanie*

            Agreed. Cilantro does not belong as a garnish on top of a dish.

            A criminally underused phrase you may like: bowlful of cilantro. Used to denote something or someone who is good in small doses but THE WORST in bigger quantities. Example: my mother-in-law moved in with us for a couple months. Now THAT was a bowlful of cilantro.

        2. moql*

          How do you keep your cilantro from just going to seed? I really like the idea of having some around at all times, but mine never lasts very long.

          1. Dopameanie*

            No way to get it done. It just does that. I keep the seeds and every two weeks or so sprinkle a few more on the ground so I always have some sprouting. I prune it pretty aggressively so it doesn’t take too much sun and accept that it’s uses are as limited and specific as it’s lifespan in my garden.

          2. Natalie*

            I’ve never tried this with cilantro specifically as I don’t grow it, but the main ways to keep a plant from bolting (going to seed) is to keep it cool and harvest it regularly. To keep a plant cool, mulch well around the base and shade it if possible. You can make a moveable shade yourself if there is no natural shade nearby.

      2. Libervermis*

        Preach it! Down with cilantro! I just want to be able to enjoy my food without getting a mouthful of bar soap.

      3. Dr. KMnO4*

        Cilantro is the devil! I hate the restaurant Chipotle because it seems like EVERY dish has cilantro in it.

        Did you know that the reason some people think cilantro tastes like soap is actually a genetic mutation? I don’t hate cilantro because I’m picky, I hate cilantro because of biology!

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I did know that! It makes me wonder if my reaction to cilantro means I react in weird ways to other things?

        3. Dopameanie*

          So, dr….is your arch nemesis manganese in municipal water? Because if not I have no clue what you are named for.

    6. Thursday Next*

      I love this thread. Anytime you can invoke Tennyson in a discussion about allium, throwing in a reference to Kenny G., I’ll be there.

      Also: I’m pretty much of the opinion that there are two tastes: sweet, and garlic. Discuss at will.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I’ll take that a step further. There are two food groups: chocolate and garlic. Think about it: one of those (sometimes both, but always at least one) will go with every food. Except Jell-o, which is an edible toy.

        Someone told me this when I was 14 and it stuck and IT IS TRUE.

        2. Dopameanie*

          How can you have so much wisdom about Jello and yet be so blind about shallots?

          Truly, mankind is a collection of contradictions.

          1. Dopameanie*

            Close, but I put garlic in my yum-yum sauce every time I make sushi. Points for the attempt though for sure.

      2. Dopameanie*

        I am desperate to try garlic ice cream. But I don’t know anywhere to get it. This might be for the best. Who knows.

        #toomuchironchef

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          There is an amazing ice cream shop in… I want to say Nice, France, that has AMAZING ice cream flavours. When I was there I had tomato-basil, lemon verbena, and liquorice (not all at the same time). If anyone makes garlic ice cream, I bet it’s them!

        2. Typhon Worker Bee*

          I’ve had pesto gelato. (Just a taster – I like to try a couple of weird-and-wonderful options before getting something normal). It tasted just fine, but the taste/texture combo was very very wrong.

          The same place does a green apple and wasabi sorbet that is to die for

          2. Aealias*

            My favourite place. I do pilgrimages. Lemon-ginger gelato is the best balance of hot and cold in ever.

        3. moql*

          Check out the Gilroy Garlic Festival if you’re near CA and really are desperate. It’s…okay? Not nearly as exciting as I though. Interesting. Not gross. But not really something I’d bother with again.

          1. Dopameanie*

            Sadly I am nowhere close. I live in the middle of a cornfield. I’d be interested in garlic growing, but I haven’t noticed any real difference in final product dug up from my dirt vs the local Walmart. Any cultivars worth the effort would be welcomed in this thread.

            1. Natalie*

              It’s not worth it IMO. You get tiny tiny garlics that are a bitch to peel and garlic at the grocery store is so cheap you’re not saving any money.

              1. Farmer Sarah*

                I’m not sure I’ve ever commented, but apparently this is where I feel the need to speak out. Homegrown garlic is WORLDS better than cheap garlic from China. (There’s no flavour, and they start shooting up green in seconds).

                The key is to start it in the fall if you’re in a part of the country that gets winter. They need a long growing season. Once they develop the scapes (curly tops with what looks like a flower bud), break those off (and saute them with eggs and/or make pesto). Then once the first three leaves have died, pull them up and let them dry out till the tops are completely dry. I’m eating garlic still that I pulled up in July.

                If you have access to a farmers’ market, go buy some from there. It will likely be more expensive than the grocery store, but you know it will grow in your climate. They may have additional tips for you as well.

                1. Natalie*

                  Eh, agree to disagree. :) I’ve grown appropriate varieties for my climate and have detected no difference between that and what’s in my grocery store. There are a lot of things I’m willing to put the work in for (I literally can’t live any farther north or I won’t be able to grow my own tomatoes) but garlic ain’t one of them.

                2. Dopameanie*

                  See, I’ve been part of a CSA before, and the garlic wasn’t THAT much smaller, but it just…tasted like garlic? I was hoping for a more intense flavor, or at least some sort of subtle note of something else, but maybe the cultivar was just regular ol’ garlic flavored garlic.

      3. Lady Kelvin*

        I can’t taste garlic unless it is very high quantities. So I cook with tons of it. I have to rwmwber to cut back when I’m feeding other people.

      4. Can’t remember my name*

        I love asparagus, avocados, onions, garlic, shallots, cilantro … am I leaving anything out? Oh yes I love chocolate too!

      1. Dopameanie*

        I will smack the shallots right outta your hand and replace it with onion and garlic so that YOU MAY TRULY LIVE.

          1. Dopameanie*

            Strangely, I’m a big fan of chives. I have a couple clumps in my herb garden. I use the blossoms in salad and when I have too many for that I use them to make prettier infused vinegar. I tried to use the blossoms to infuse olive oil one time and that was a disastrous looking bottle. Tasted fine though. Anyway, my leek sword will strike down the chive lawn and cleave the shallots from your very hand and you will be saved from the horrors of bland-ass food.

            1. Extra Vitamins*

              Try garlic chives! Pretty good, and pretty flowers too. I stopped growing leeks when I missed a flowerhead one year and the next year they were a plague all over the yard (and grocery store stocks them with most of the dirt already removed).

              1. Dopameanie*

                I’ve done garlic chives before! I was really hoping to use it in herb butter, but it just tasted…off somehow. The flowers were pretty though. Have you ever grown bachelors buttons for the edible flowers? I’m thinking about it but I hate to put in the work if it’s not going to taste good.

      1. Dopameanie*

        This is the logical and correct opinion to have. Avocados have an unpleasant texture and everything downstream from an avocado is tainted.

        1. Extra Vitamins*

          I liked avocadoes until I had one picked ripe from an actual avocado tree in a friend’s yard. It was like magical green butter and now my palate is forever spoiled. Grocery store “avocados” are a sad disappointment.

    9. Loopy*

      I love this thread- and how it has spiraled to other foods. My take:

      Shallot: dislike (but also dislike onions unless caramelized and even then only sparingly so maybe biased)
      Asparagus: adore. I just ate some. The empty plate is still next to me.
      Avocado: adore. But I understand texture issues because I can’t handle the texture of pudding.
      Cilantro: ambivalent- is that the weird reaction yet???

      1. Dopameanie*

        Loopy, the only thing in the middle of the road is roadkill. You need to pick a side in The Cilantro Wars. The internet is NO PLACE for reasonableness.

        1. Loopy*

          I laughed out loud at this. The last part especially.

          Though I haven’t had cilantro in a while. Next time I have it I will randomly, without context, post my feelings on cilantro and confuse everyone months from now :D

    10. Someone else*

      I can’t stand to eat shallots any more, but it’s because the last time I ate them (which was only the second time I’d ever had them), I ended up vomiting a lot later that evening. It had nothing to do with the food. I had a migraine; that’s a common thing that happens for me with migraines, but now the thought of shallots makes me feel ill.

    11. Sylvan*

      Shallots are underrated, along with tragically neglected garlic scapes, and underappreciated green onions.

      1. Dopameanie*

        The best thing about green onions is they are super cheap and easy to plant/harvest. So your guests think you are rolling out the red carpet for them, when really you just forgot you invited them til the last minute. The WORST thing about green onions is how delicious they are sautéed whole in bacon fat, which ruins any health-food/earth-mother credit you were hoping for when you popped sets in the dirt in the first place.
        I have been known to steal garlic scapes from my Husband’s salad bowl when he was not looking.
        SHALLOTS, on the other hand, offer none of these benefits. Every shallot’s personal tragedy is the day it realizes most ugly ducklings grow up to be ugly-ass ducks. This is the day it discovers that the only thing it can mature into is a shallot.
        Sad!

        1. Farmer Sarah*

          No, no…you get MORE earth-mother credit if the bacon fat is from pastured, free-range pigs.

  36. char*

    Just venting – I regularly have trouble with a loan provider’s website. As in, I try to make a payment and get a server error upon trying to submit it. This happens every few months. I tried paying last night and again today and still got the same error and I just want to shout at them – I am trying to give you money! I will be the one who gets in trouble if you don’t get my money, so please just make it easy for me to give you the money!

    Luckily I always pay a couple weeks early, so it’s not like I’m right up against the deadline, but I’m afraid that if I can’t pay them when I usually pay my bills, I’ll forget to do it later.

    1. fposte*

      For me that’s a game of musical browsers. Last month the institution didn’t like Firefox? This month it’ll balk at Chrome. (This is true even within my own university’s system.) If they have an app, sometimes that works better (which I bitterly resent, because I like to handle that stuff on my laptop). And of course turn off all ad blockers and any funky plug-ins you might have going on.

    2. Oxford Coma*

      Citi is like this for me. Hate them. I want to close the card, but it’s my oldest credit account, so I don’t.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes!! I just got a Citibank card and I HATE their website! I always, always, always have a problem with it. I can log in, but I get an error anytime I want to see what the balance transfer offers are, or if I want to see something other than the main account page.

      2. copy run start*

        I just opened a card with them and I got a system error trying to set up the online account. So now I’m stuck waiting for the card to arrive in the mail to create a login for the website.

      3. Liz in a Library*

        Argh, yes! For such a giant company, how do they have such awful infrastructure?!

    3. SophieChotek*

      Sympathies. I have issues with paying my (student) loans; they mess up my payment every other time! I totally get how frustrating this is.

    4. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Capital One auto’s website was so bad last time I tried that I just pay via check.

  37. Foreign Octopus*

    BOOK THREAD!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    I’m about to finish Do It Like A Woman by Caroline Criado-Perez. It’s a fantastic book that focuses on how the systems of our world disadvantage women because of a lack of female perspective when creating laws, institutions, and policies. It also contains stories about brilliant women who are doing everything they can to change the perception of women in their industries by being successful and inspirational. I really recommend it.

    1. LizB*

      I recently finished Amatka by Karin Tidbeck and highly recommend it if you’re into creepy/dystopian sci-fi. It’s super tightly written, and the worldbuilding is fascinating – I don’t think I’ve ever read anything that introduces such a complex and weird world so well with so little exposition. It’s a quick read, too — I tore through it in two days. It was originally written in Swedish and the English translation just came out last year.

    2. SoManyBooksSoLittleTime*

      Behind Her Eyes. More than halfway through and I still can’t quite figure out what Adele is up to, other than IT CAN’T BE GOOD.

    3. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Just started “Meditation for fidgety skeptics” – bought it after seeing the author on The Daily Show a few weeks ago. I am somewhat fidgety and very skeptical so it seemed like a good fit.

    4. Thlayli*

      “The moral molecule”. It’s about the hormone oxytocin and how it plays a part in regulating things like trust, fair play, etc. Only on chapter 3 and I’ve already seen the author make one inherently flawed statement about the results of an experiment he ran*, so I’m reserving judgement till I finish it. It’s interesting though.

      (*In case you’re interested… he designed an experiment to reward a particular behavior, then said that the results proved that people who engaged in that behaviour in reality would be rewarded in reality, because they were rewarded in the experiment. I’m hoping he was just oversimplifying for what he assumed would be an uneducated reader, and he will present other evidence to back up his real world claim, but I’m reserving judgement).

    5. Extra Vitamins*

      A Hat Full of Sky, by Terry Pratchett. I missed this series of his before, because it was in the kid’s section at my library. So far I really like it.

    7. Roseberriesmaybe*

      I’ve just finished Wayward Girls and Wicked Women, stories collected by Angela Carter. Now I’m trying to choose between starting Malagash by Joey Comeau, or The Infernal World of Bramwell Brontë by Daphne Du Maurier

    8. Short & Dumpy*

      I can’t take the real world right now so I’ve been escaping to some of the great (but underrated/forgotten) fantasy & sci fi. The Blue Sword and The Hero & the Crown by Robin McKinley are favorites of mine that I hadn’t re-read in ages. Also binge-read the Corinna Chapman & Phryne Fisher mysteries by Kerry Greenwood. (I read ridiculously fast so can do a dozen mysteries in a weekend even if I have a lot of errands & projects). I re-read The Madness Season by CS Friedman last weekend…she is one of the great authors of all time IMO :)

    9. SophieChotek*

      Re-reading Harry Potter series.

      Also reading Kowal’s series (book 1 is Shades of Milk and Honey). I am on book 3. It’s a regency with slight paranormal.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        I love Kowal’s series! And no one else I know has read them! As a Jane Austen fan and fantasy fan they’re everythimg I could want!

    10. Travelling Circus*

      I’m reading Murder on the Orient Express again. But this time in English.

      So far, I’m enjoying it more in English, ha.

    11. Dani*

      I just started ‘The Rules of Magic’ by Alice Hoffman. I mean, I’m normally up for reading a fair bit of magic/fantasy, but this has a very dreamy prose that isn’t overdone/trying too hard like a lot of similarity books I’ve read as of late. It was also a bit of an impulse buy, so I’m glad that it’s working out for me.

    12. Mobuy*

      I just finished the Orphan Train, which I think was a book Alison recommended. So great! I laughed, I cried, I loved it!

    14. Pathfinder Ryder*

      I’m reading Carlos Hernández’s The Assimilated Cuban’s Guide to Quantum Santeria, a collection of scifi short stories with Latino protagonists (not actually all Cuban). I haven’t read original short stories in a loooong time and I’m usually resistant to first person, but he really draws you into the worlds and sketches up the characters quickly.

  38. Super stressed*

    My ex broke up with me exactly two weeks ago, and we’re going to get lunch this afternoon. I’m so nervous. I’d love to start a conversation that leads to us getting back together, but I’m also trying to prepare for the worst – feeling just as frustrated, confused, and surprised as the day of the day of the breakup, and also officially closing the door and trying to move on.
    I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, or just venting, or what. I don’t know what to expect and I feel like I’m going to come back to my apartment alone afterwards and just fall apart

    1. fposte*

      Who initiated the lunch, and do you know what the goal is?

      (And it’s okay to go back to your apartment and fall apart.)

      1. Super stressed*

        He did, during the breakup. I guess the goal is to give me closure/make it so that the breakup wasn’t the last time we ever saw each other? I called him in a moment of weakness a week ago and I asked if I should just mentally shut down the idea of us getting back together before the lunch, so I could stop thinking about it, and he said he didn’t know.
        So… it’s confusing.

        1. Reba*

          Virtual hugs to you, Super stressed.

          FWIW I think the idea of closure is a scam.

          I imagine your ex is being honest about the not knowing but I also give him some reeeeaaaaal serious side eye for keeping you dangling like this. To me that’s not cool.

          1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

            Yeah, that caused some side eye from me too. I had someone say that to me. Once. When I was able to think clearly I thought, “You either want to be with me. Or you don’t. If you’re not sure…then you don’t.” I closed the door. Didn’t bolt it shut and brick it in, exactly. But it was definitely closed.

            Regardless that is SO MUCH EASIER to think when you aren’t in the midst of it. Be kind to yourself, Super stressed. If you need to fall apart in your apartment after…do it. If you need to devour a pan of brownies… do it. If you need to sit and do nothing but wallow for a bit…do it. Just take it easy. Break ups suck. No way around them, you have to go straight through.

          2. Triple Anon*

            I agree. He’s controlling the terms of the whole thing. I read it is, “You owe me some of your time for reasons I don’t want to disclose.” It sounds like post-breakup messiness. But it’s easy to be cynical on the internet. We don’t know these people. OP knows what’s best.

        2. fposte*

          Yeah, that’s what I was kind of afraid of.

          Here’s my concern: I think there’s a chance is that what he wants is to make sure you still like him and think he’s a good guy even now that you’re broken up. And you know, maybe he is a good guy and maybe you still like him, but it’s not your job to reassure *him* right now. Please go into this lunch thinking about what’s good for *you*, even if it makes him uncomfortable or unhappy.

          And in general, I think you can be friends after a breakup but I think that there usually needs to be a moratorium time before that happens, and I think it’s up to the dumpee to decide when it’s time; there’s just too much tendency for the dumper to salve his/her guilt by stringing an ex along under the guise of friendship. So feel free to say you’re not ready to be friends right now if that’s proposed, even if it makes him sad.

          1. Reba*

            So much wisdom in this post!

            I guess this approach is better than going scorched-earth, but yeah, please don’t feel that you need to do performative “it’s all ok” for the dude.

        3. Natalie*

          I would cancel, honestly. This sounds SUPER AWKWARD and other than continuing to stoke your hopes of reconciliation, what’s the point of it? Do you need help in that department? I’m guessing not.

          You don’t get closure from having lunch with someone two weeks later.

          In my experience, post break-up relationships are healthy only when you’re both relatively on the same page about the current and future status of your relationship. If one wants to reconcile and the other doesn’t (or is super wishy-washy about it) it’s just a recipe for further agony.

          I had the ultimate healthy mutual break up with a past partner (we literally had a party to tell our friends) and we still needed a couple of months apart from each other before we could be one-on-one friends again.

          Cancel. If he wants to reconcile, he can damn well make up his mind about it first, and then get in touch with you.

    3. Dead Quote Olympics*

      Good luck with whatever happens. I just read this advice about breakups and the aftermath – don’t try and suppress whatever reaction you are having, but put a time limit on it. So maybe come home to your apartment and wallow in your emotions (good or bad) for an hour or two hours, but have a plan to distract yourself once that time is up?

    4. Triple Anon*

      The lunch is optional. You don’t have to go. You have the right to opt out. You have the right to postpone it. Step back and think about what you want. What will be good for you?

      Maybe he has things to say that he wants to say in person. But you had a relationship, and you had plenty of time to talk then. What is your gut telling you? Do you want to talk? Or do you want to just move on?

      I’m not advocating any particular course of action. Just do what makes you feel good and don’t feel obligated. All social things are voluntary.

  39. no more teapots*

    Hi AAM hivemind. I’m in a social situation that probably isn’t as high stakes as it feels, and I could use some advice and/or perspective.

    There is a line of teapots with a very distinctive shape and art style. There are cat teapots, llama wrangling teapots, Batman teapots – basically, whatever you’re into, there are teapots for it or they will be released soon.

    My friends love these teapots. They talk about them, display their large collections of them in their homes, get excited when new ones for things they like are released. I hate the teapots. I think both the shape and the art style are ugly. In the interest of not being a jerk about what other people love, I have never said this. I have taken it so far as to never even say the milder version of, “I’m glad these things exist for you to love, but they’re just not for me.” We all live far away from each other, so the teapot discussions are in places like texts and social media where my silence on the subject doesn’t come with body language they could read to see that I’m not into the teapots.

    You can probably see where this is going: a couple of friends have now bought me teapots. I don’t want to be ungrateful, because I do genuinely appreciate that they thought of me, but also I don’t want anyone else to buy me teapots. I don’t know what to do about it.

    Things that make this feel very high stakes: 1. My friends are super passionate about both the teapots themselves and the things on the teapots. While we are all adults who intellectually understand that different people like different things, I think they and I would emotionally feel like I was insulting them/their taste if I say I don’t like the teapots. 2. I feel very guilty and mean-spirited about not being happy about the gifts my friends set me, and guilty at the idea that people have spent/might spend more money on things I don’t want. 3. These are some of my closest friends, who are supposed to know me better than anyone else, and it feels like they don’t know me at all (even if I liked the teapots, I wouldn’t have chosen to own the ones they’ve given me). 4. Their love of the teapots has been going on for a long time, and saying something about it at this late date feels super awkward.

    1. fposte*

      While things get to be the stakes that you put on them, I could also see this as *not* being very high stakes–could you consider that a possibility too? Are we talking something like Funko Pops, that don’t cost all that much or take up much space, or vintage muscle cars, that do? Do these friends otherwise know you and love you?

      I’ve been gift-giving with some friends for a long time, and I can tell you that even the most generous and intimate friend can find it a challenge to disentangle her tastes from yours. (I have friends where all presents are given with a “do pass it on if it’s not for you” disclaimer.) There might be a bit of love languages here and also a bit of Geek Social Fallacies, but I think basically you have an adoring cat bringing you dead mice. It’s how she shows love, and the main question is whether it’s worth it to you to deter future such gifts. If it is, I’d go for a statement that you’ve fulfilled your teapot quota now and won’t be able to house any more; for you what’s special is that they came from your friends. If you can’t cope with looking at the things, maybe put a great picture of that friend and you next to the one they gave you and it can be a tribute shelf rather than a fugly teapot shelf.

      1. Windchime*

        Hahaa, I was thinking about the (ugly, in my opinion) Funko things, too. A guy at work has a collection. They are a local company so I shouldn’t criticize them, but….yeah.

    2. Reba*

      We are talking Funko pops, yes? Not precious objects? Put those suckers on Ebay or regift donate, and don’t look back.

      At some point next time the little polymer clumps come up in conversation, let it drop that you have decided not to collect them since they don’t go with the home style you’re working on. But you’re glad others have fun with them!

      And do read up on Geek Social Fallacies as delineated by Captain Awkward. The emotional entanglement with pop culture stuff is real, but it’s not all there is to life and relationships.

      Finally, while I get not wanting to rain on others’ parade, hiding your totally normal, non-judgmental and loving opinion is not what it means to not be a jerk!

      Good luck.

      1. Reba*

        Oh yeah, a personal anecdote.

        I have a dear friend, my only friend that I’ve had my whole life. They collect a certain antique thing. It’s neat, I’m sure at some point or another I’ve expressed interest in it–because stuff like china stamped with “occupied Japan” or “West Germany” etc. is mildly interesting! This friend once gave me a pair of the things she collects. I actually sort of loved them because they were absurd, but like. They are rather unattractive and I LITRULLY never used them. I have no antique things except for a skillet and a few MCM dishes.

        Yet I moved them across the country more than once, just to put them into new cupboards. Why am I like this.

        They are the kind of thing that are collectable but sort of impossible to sell. At length I was able to get them to a consignment store that somehow wasn’t already awash in this type of object–I didn’t care about money back, but felt wrong dumping them at Goodwill somehow.

        Rinse and Repeat with an immense crystal bowl received as a wedding gift from a beloved relative. I got some tips like “Christmas balls” or “use it to hold soaps and towels in your guest room” extra LOL that guest room I definitely have one of.

        Also moved multiple times, almost never left original box, went to consignment at last. Sheesh.

        So anyway, I am definitely not flippant about the emotional work these gifts can bring!

        1. Jemima Bond*

          A slightly-relates aside – my boyfriend doesn’t collect antiques but his iron is stamped with Made In West Germany. It’s just a really really well made iron I suppose, because it is still in perfect working order!

    3. Hellanon*

      This sounds like a metaphor for lularoe leggings. I’m so glad my friends & I have aged out of most of this kind of thing…

    4. Becarefulwhatyouaskfor*

      I’m dating myself but can’t help recalling the Mayberry episode where everyone raves about Aunt Bea’s awful pickles which encourages her to make more and more. Don’t remember how it ends.

    5. MsChanandlerBong*

      I can totally empathize with you on this. In the grand scheme of things, teapots (or in my case, ugly knickknacks and gift cards to restaurants that I hate because their food is terrible and gives me severe intestinal distress) are not that big of a deal, but it feels like a big deal because you would think that after knowing these friends for so long that they would know you well enough to buy you a gift you would like. It may be helpful to reframe this from “They don’t know what I like” to “They really like these teapots and they want to share their love with me/want me to experience the same joy.” My best friend does this to me almost every Christmas/birthday. She’s given me a couple of a great gifts, but most of them end up in the Goodwill donation box (or in the case of the gift cards, donated to a charity to be used as raffle prizes for a fundraising event). I used to feel a bit miffed, but then I realized that she gets so much enjoyment out of certain things that she just wants me to experience the same thing. So I accept the gift in the spirit in which it was given, but then I give it away.

    6. Typhon Worker Bee*

      Heh, my SIL gave me an orchid for my birthday last year. Then another SIL visited, saw it, thought “oh, Cath likes orchids”, and bought me an orchid the next time they came over for dinner. A friend visited soon after that dinner, thought “oh, Cath really likes orchids”, and bought me one a few weeks later.

      I do not like orchids.

      I don’t dislike them, but they’re just not my thing – I like foliage plants with variegated leaves.

      Do not put the teapots on display anywhere in your house, whatever you do!

      1. Big Person*

        My mother wound up with a ceramic chicken collection in a similar fashion. One year, way back in the 70’s, she mentioned to someone that she would like these particular chickens. Yeah, ever after, someone gave her another set. She wound up with owls that way too. And we learned to tell Grandma at least that the ceramic thing she was currently making was very nice but oh no we didn’t want one thanks!

        2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          This happened to my mom too, but with angels. Someone gave her one as part of a holiday arrangement, then someone else saw them, then somehow she became a person who collected angels, even though she doesn’t really like them much.

          For me, it was Scooby-Doo.

        3. Emily*

          Ha, one of my friend’s mothers had a lot of chicken and giraffe knickknacks for similar reasons – people would gift them to her, they would end up somewhere visible in her house, and then more people would associate these things with her.

    7. An*

      I used to listen a lot to this particular musician when I was a teenager. And around 10 years later my best friend admitted to me, that she really disliked the music. Which to me was really hurtful, since I would have been totally okay with her not liking the music and telling me so back then (people have different taste, no biggie). But her not wanting to tell me at the time, even though I put on that one CD sooo often when we hung out, really stung since it felt like she thought I’d react badly to her not liking the same music as me.
      I think it’s fine to just be honest :)

      1. Reba*

        I must admit that I not only listened to but even wore my high school boyfriend’s sweatshirt of a band that I didn’t like. Humans.

    8. Blue Eagle*

      Ha! This reminds me of a story about my neighbor, Mrs. Peters, who went shopping with her adult daughter, Jennie, and me. Mrs. Peters noticed this sewing basket that she thought would be perfect for Jennie.

      So she asked Jennie “How do you like this sewing basket, it’s a really nice basket, don’t you think?” Jennie was noncommittal but Mrs. Peters persisted and said “Look how perfect this sewing basket would be for all of your sewing projects. It’s such a nice color.” But again, Jennie was noncommittal so we all moved to another part of the store.

      Fast forward to Christmas when Mrs. Peters opens her present from Jennie – – you guessed it, it was the sewing basket! After hearing about the Christmas gift all my family members now respond to the question of how we like something by saying “yes, it’s not really my taste, but it’s so nice FOR YOU”.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This is what happens to me. Relatives give me presents THEY like, not things I want. I would steal this saying, but they do it behind my back so I have no chance to say it. Honestly, I’d rather get a damn gift card.

    9. oranges & lemons*

      I think when this kind of gifting awkwardness comes up, it’s because of the disconnect between your internal monologue, which is something like: “I have never shown anything besides polite interest in these teapots, I don’t own any of the teapots, my friends should have picked up on the fact that I won’t want these cluttering my house” and their internal monologue, which is something like: “I’ve just realized that No More Teapots doesn’t own a single teapot yet! I must share the joy of teapot collecting with them immediately and then we can talk about our teapots together until the end of time.” It’s pretty easy for both people to feel misunderstood in this scenario, but I think it probably comes from both of you trying to be thoughtful.

    10. Jessi*

      I think you can say to each of your friends individually “Hey, I am trying to declutter and get rid of some stuff, and Im not acutally a huge fan of teapots. Since you gifted it to me and I know how much you love them I wanted to offer it back to you before I offered it to another teapot loving friend”.

      Or you could just give each of your 3 friends a teapot that one of the others gave you? ‘Hey Joan gave me this teapot but I don’t actually want to own it – but I thought of you and your collection’.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      My go-to is that I do not keep collectables because I do not have time to take care of them- dust them regularly and what not.

      I honestly believe that if I tell a person, no thanks, and they insist on giving me that item year after year then I an not responsible to keep that item. I learned not to be too concerned about saying no thanks because it does not get heard anyway.

      The last time I moved things got “lost” in the move. So that can work also.

      People don’t listen closely. I still receive Christmas ornaments after going on and on about having enough for three trees AND giving large amounts of ornaments away. Same deal with coffee mugs. Twenty five years ago I counted the mugs. There were 49. I am down to about 35. ( 25 years later? wth) And I still get given coffee mugs.

    12. NaoNao*

      Hee, it’s funny people are going to Funkos because my mind went to MY collection of “cult” fragrances, Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, that changed my perfume life and that I politely push on everyone I know. (I don’t gift without permission or expressed enthusiasm tho!).
      I described it/the company to my mom and she explicitly said “Oh, don’t get any for me, I’m happy with my Chanel #5” and I listened, even though there’s approx 9 million perfect ones for her.
      I have a specially made cabinet for my “precious” and sometimes people come over and are like “wow, you’re…really into essential oils, eh?” No, hee! They’re about the same size, though.

      PS Try BPAL it’s amazing.

      1. Reba*

        Well, cosmetics and perfumes are obviously different.

        (They’re different, right? I can keep buying them?)

    13. no more teapots*

      Thanks for all the perspective and your stories about emotionally-laden gifts and accidental collections! It really helps. All the discussion made me realize that (a) I haven’t yet made friends in the thing I’m into now, which feels really lonely, (b) I feel unheard/unseen/unappreciated in other parts of my life, which is coloring how I’m seeing this, and (c) I’m feeling really ground down by my job at the moment and I don’t have the capacity to pretend to care about anything else now. I will keep the perspective you all offered (especially oranges & lemons’ framing of the competing internal scripts) in mind.

  40. Anonyme Emmanuel*

    I have a question about something I read in the open work post yesterday but it is not about work so I am hoping it is OK to ask it here. Someone posted and described themselves as the wording cis-het. English is not the first language of mine and I did not recognize this word and had to search for it to find out what it means. Someone answered that post and said cis-het was a not nice word used to bully people when it is used to talk about or describe someone else. I come from a country where gay and trans gender is not talked about and not allowed. I don’t agree with the law there but that is how it is in the country I come from. My question is about the word cis-het and why it would be bad or not nice to call someone else. They even mentioned an assault in the comment. Gay and trans gender is not talked about where I from so I don’t know about this. I don’t think it is wrong or should be not allowed. If anyone could explain to me I would be happy and have appreciation for you.

    1. ainomiaka*

      The only people I have heard say that is bullying is people who don’t want to admit that cisgender/heterosexual is not the default. They realize that the way they are labeling other people is actually meant as a slur no matter what they say and therefore object to the same happening to them. I wouldn’t pay these people any mind.

    2. SpiderLadyCEO*

      It stands for cisgender and heterosexual ie, you identify as the gender you were assigned at birth, and you straight. Occasionally I have seen members of the LGTBQ community use in in a joking way, such as “oh, x thing is the cis-het lifestyle” or “that is only for cis-hets” but I have never seen it used as outright bullying.

      That being said, I don’t think I would use it to describe someone else, in part because it would require you to make assumptions about someone you might not know. But as a self descriptor, it’s fine!

    3. Betsy*

      I’m going to disagree with the person who said that cis-het is mean. It really just means cisgender (not trans) and heterosexual.

      Some people hate the idea of being called cisgender, because it points out that they are not trans and they don’t think that’s noteworthy or needs to be said. But I am cisgender, and I really don’t mind. It’s pretty much just a statement of fact that I’m not trans.

      Along the same lines, I don’t think it’s really bad to call someone heterosexual. I identify as bisexual, but I don’t think it’s a problem to call heterosexual people heterosexual.

      If queer/trans people are calling people outside that community cis-het, it’s possible there could be some people who are using it disparagingly– but most people are probably just using it as a shorthand to say ‘people outside the trans/queer community’.

      1. Maybeoutofmydepthhere*

        Yes it may be used disparagingly, but I think it’s normal and only natural that marginalized groups use language this way. It’s been a while since I’ve heard lgbtq use of “breeders”, but as a cishet with children I never took it personally.

      2. emvic*

        With my biochemical background I took the “cis” as a statement of fact. Cis and trans have equal value for me and I never thought to attach emotional value to them. Then again, in my country too the discussion is just coming up (and there’s a lot if pushback from conservative folk) and there’s a lot I learned here.

    4. Laura H*

      I (think I) can tell you what it means but not why some think that it’s mean or not nice. (A caveat, Sexual and gender orientation are not an area of intrest, nor are they an area of expertise on my end. Please expand on this where I cannot, AAM commenters) (anything hereafter in parenthesis indicates what I’m unsure about)

      “Cis-het” indicates at least two things. “Cis” means you’re the gender you were at birth (and are likely not interested in pursuing transition). “Het”, shortened from heterosexual, indicates your sexual interest in the opposite (is it sex or gender?)

      Under those definitions that’s where I fall. I slightly bristle at the term because I already have enough labels to juggle I don’t want another one- but those saying that it’s mean or bullying are overreacting, IMO.

      I hope this helps… and that the AAM commenters more versed in this subject than me will chime in and gently correct any errors on my end. Again, not my area, and I’ll admit that.

    5. Michele*

      The commentator in question said this:

      “In my experience I have only ever seen it used in a derogatory, condescending and not well meaning way, or through my work part of a broader pattern of not nice intentions, such as an assault.”

      This confused me because I have never known this to happen or seen it happen before. I was confused as to why an assault was mentioned. I’m glad to see the other comments here that the phrase ‘cis-het’ is not a slur or derogatory and no harm is meant by it. I do disagree with the comment in yesterday’s open thread and am glad to see I’m not the only one.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I haven’t either–to me, it sounded like it had been used specifically on that commenter in such a way. I’m cis-het and have referred to myself that way in conversations where identifying was relevant.

        1. Someone else*

          I recently (like this week) for the very first time saw the phrase referred to as derogatory, but it was on twitter and on a post that was going sort of viral-ish. But the person claiming it was derogatory was a conspicuously homophobic troll, and the viralish (I say ish because it was retweeted in the tens of thousands of timesrange, I forget exactly how many, but it wasn’t in the millions or anything) post in question was basically people who were quoting and calling out that person for being a homophobic troll or making sarcastic comments about the statement. Basically the the thing being retweeted implied “look at this idiot” and quoted the person complaining about the phrase. Anyway, I wonder if Anonyme Emmanuel may have seen something similar, a RT of a sarcastic jab at the person claiming it was a derogatory phrase, but didn’t realize the sarcastic part was sarcastic and not agreeing with the homophobe?

    6. Thlayli*

      I’ve never heard it used as a slur. You can say anything in a derogatory way but that doesn’t mean the word itself is derogatory. It’s not a slur. It’s jut short for “cisgender, heterosexual”.

      If someone is using it as an insult then they are bigots, just like when someone uses the word “gay” as an insult. It doesn’t mean the word is wrong, just that they are.

    7. NaoNao*

      The only thing I can think of is when the term is used to sort of…condescendingly explain why certain groups are acting “out of order”, or most often, taking the spotlight off minority groups that are doing the same or better thing, just by being cis, het, and white. Like for example “Justin Timberlake is the epitome of cishet white maleness” or something. (Real quote from Twitter, just changed slightly).
      I have not seen it leveled as a slur against the group it describes by minority groups, but I have seen it used in a lightly exasperated way like “eh, what can you expect, they’re not woke” way.

    8. fort hiss*

      Cisgender and heterosexual people who get upset by “cishet” are like white people who get upset by black people using “cracker”. Is cishet used in an unfriendly way sometimes? Yes. Is it just a descriptor? Yes. Does it have any historical power over the person? No. Have many (emphasis on MANY, one or two cases is not a trend) people who are cisgender, heterosexual, or white people been lynched, beaten, refused jobs, raped, denied rights, assaulted and oppressed because of their identity? No. Is the world set up against those people? No. Someone saying “LOL, cishets” or something dismissive is just a pinprick in comparison to the damage of slurs like tr***** or n*****.

  41. AvonLady Barksdale*

    After another 3-day sinus headache this week, I called an ENT and will see him on Wednesday. I’ve had sinus problems my whole life (included migraines triggered by sinus inflammation) and a newly diagnosed problem with my Eustachian tubes. I’ve been managing through drugs prescribed by my primary care physician, and while they work most of the time (especially combined with saline rinses and humidifiers), the side effects are not great for me. So I’m kind of hoping the ENT will examine me and recommend a procedure to fix it all, like surgery or a balloon sinuplasty. Hoping to avoid the former, but dammit, I’ll do it if I have to. I’m fortunate that I’ve already met my health insurance deductible and my deductible clock won’t reset for another few months, so now is the time to do it– plus, I’m just done with days-long pain and nausea that has started to actually impact my ability to do my job.

    Has anyone had one of these procedures? I have no idea what to expect from a sinuplasty. The people I know who have had sinus surgery are soooo happy, though.

    1. Totallt Minnie*

      I had a septoplasty along with an opening of my sinus passages several years ago, and it was the best decision I ever made. The rate of sinus headaches and infections I was having dropped dramatically, and my balance and equilibrium improved because the pressure in my ears balanced out.

      You should definitely plan to have someone with you overnight the night of the procedure, because you’ll be breathing differently than normal and sleep might be a little difficult. But for the most part, recovery feels like you’ve just got a really bad cold. Once that clears up, it’s a whole new world.

    2. Book Lover*

      I had endoscopic sinus surgery. It didn’t really help at all for the first six months (I guess surgical inflammation/swelling kept things blocked). Since then, I’d say that I still pretty much get a sinus infection every time I get a cold, but it resolves within two weeks without antibiotics. Good enough, if not ideal.

      I woke up from the surgery in a lot of pain but then did ok after that. I went back to work too soon, probably, though, especially since I had a toddler at home and couldn’t rest as much as I should have.

    3. Chaordic One*

      I also had septoplasty (correction of a deviated septum) along with turbinate reduction surgery. Before the surgery, I could hardly breathe through my nose. I was taking a lot of over-the-counter decongestants, but the side effects from those were pretty awful and the OTC meds had gotten to where they didn’t work so well. It took about 5 weeks to completely recover from the surgery, and while it didn’t solve all of my problems, the surgery probably improved things by a good 90%, so it was definitely worth it. I can sleep so much better now.

    4. Jemima Bond*

      My brother had a lot of problems with sinuses in his teens and was referred for minor surgery to widen the passages so they could drain better. From what I remember it was effective, and not an awful experience; he was in hospital maybe one or two nights, they did the procedure and his nose/upwards of there was packed with dressing and finished off with a darling little nosebag thing! I don’t remember him suffering undue unexpected pain and he didn’t have to have the dressings on (in!) long. So whilst it may hurt a bit I am sure it will not be a Big Awful Thing…good luck!

  42. Little Bean*

    Does anyone know anything about the Chevy Volt? My partner has found a pretty good deal at a local dealership and is trying to convince me to get one. My current car is about 13 years old so it’s not a bad idea to start thinking about something new, but at the same time, it’s having no problems so I also don’t really see why I should give up a paid off car that runs fine and start having car payments again. The biggest issue for me is reliability – I’ve been driving a Honda Civic for 13 years and never once had an issue with it, so that’s my standard. But I do like the idea of having a hybrid. The Chevy Volt apparently also comes with a HOV sticker to go in the carpool lane which would be a plus because I do sit in a fair amount of traffic every day.

    1. Reba*

      Ooh, I was with you on “paid off car” until you got to the HOV lane…that’s compelling. I’d be excited to drive the Volt myself.

      Hybrid and E cars, like all cars, have active internet communities. If the car is used I’d be doing some research about how age affects the battery and such.

      Good luck with your decision!

    2. Typhon Worker Bee*

      We have a Volt. Love it. We test-drove the Nissan Leaf, a Ford model I forget the name of, and a Prius but the Volt won. We have an older model (2013, I think?) and get ~75km per charge in summer, closer to 45 in winter, which is enough for almost all of our regular driving (on longer drives, it gets really great gas mileage after the battery runs out). Our only problem with it is that the windows tend to fog a lot, and running the fans is hard on your battery life.

    3. Enough*

      For me if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. If you haven’t already start saving up for a new car so if you need a loan it will be smaller. And consider used cars before new.

    4. CatCat*

      Oh man, paid off car vs. loan, but get the HOV sticker. Tough!

      I haaaaate sitting in traffic so that HOV sticker would be so tempting just in terms of my general happiness. Some things to think about:
      * Are payments for a new car something you can comfortably fit in your budget?
      * How many miles on that Civic?
      * How much longer can you expect the Civic to last you and how much of that time will be spent sitting in traffic vs. being able to access the faster lane?
      * How much can you sell your Civic for?

      1. Little bean*

        All excellent questions. My rent just went down considerably when I moved in with my partner, so yes, I can afford the payments. Like 120,000 miles on the civic, so I think I could sell it for $3,000-4,000. But i would expect it to last me at least another 3-4 years.

        Also, update: just test drove the volt and I do like driving it.

    5. Little bean*

      Should also add that we don’t expect the tax incentives for hybrid cars to last much longer, so that will likely not be there if I wait 3-4 years to buy it

  43. Lady Jay*

    Let’s talk words! What words do you use, that aren’t part of standard English (or English at all) but should be! I’ll start with two:

    Y’all is a great word and needs to become part of the general English vocabulary, not just in the south. It’s a good way to refer to a bunch of people in the second person, and I love how informal and friendly it is! Also, it’s fun to say. I am not originally from the American South.

    Gemischt is a German word meaning “mixed,” or “all mixed up.” I love the way the sound of the word seems to match its meaning, and for me at least it carries a connotation of greater confusion and mixed-ness than simply saying “mixed.” I would use it to say something like, “The situation is all gemischt now,” though I have no idea if a native German speaker would say that.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        I don’t use it myself, but I knew someone from the upper peninsula of Michigan who would argue with all y’all that the proper plural of you is yous.

    2. Reba*

      I love learning about non-translatable or difficult-to-translate words. It’s fascinating! I’m working with a few concepts right now in my dissertation. These are not them, but ones that come to mind right now are saudade and mono no aware. I know words like this are probably somewhat exaggerated (especially when they appear on internet lists) but I enjoy them, think about our vocabularies of experiences of life.

      I learned a couple French words in the past few years that are really useful. Well, sorta, since I live in an English speaking country, but they are so perfect! “Crispé(e)” tense, nervous, contracted, on edge. “Dépité(e)” a particular feeling of aggravation that comes from being disappointed.

      1. oranges & lemons*

        When I was volunteering on a vineyard in France, I learned a lot of wine and grape-specific vocabulary that doesn’t really have a direct translation in English (I think sometimes we just borrow the French words). I really like that wine is so important it needs such a specialist vocabulary! But it does make it a bit challenging to describe in English.

    3. Jess*

      Outwith – not used much outside Scotland, but it’s so useful. Basically means outside, but with an extra dimension of…distance? Formality? Beyond-ness? I’m not sure how to describe it. I use it a surprising amount, and always get funny looks.

      2. caledonia*

        I use outwith probably every day at work i.e ‘this question is outwith my remit but here is the dept who can help you with that…’

        I used scunnered for the first time in a long time recently which is a Scots word for annoyed/ dislike/disgusted.

    4. nep*

      Yunz — Pittsburgh for y’all.
      I find myself saying ‘sinon’ — French for something like ‘otherwise’…it just fits sometimes.

        1. nep*

          Well, yes — there is the whole Yinzers thing. But my friends and family in Pittsburgh and Johnstown say ‘yunz.’ I have heard ‘yinz’ also, but less. Interested in any input from people in those parts — is it just a slightly different pronunciation from one person or neighbourhood to the next?

          1. nep*

            When I say it the way I’m used to, it’s almost like ‘yeunz’. Somewhere in between…?

    5. Blue Eagle*

      A friend from the south corrected me that y’all is singular and all y’all is the plural that refers to a bunch of people in second person.

      2. Reba*

        IME Y’all is plural (singular y’all makes no sense) and “all y’all” is… more plural? emphatic plural?

        See also, “your alls,” possessive form.

        2. Lady Jay*

          I would also say “all y’all” is emphatic plural . . . but then I’m not a Southerner.

        3. Sylvan*

          +1

          “Y’all” is “you all.”

          “All y’all” is “no, really, ALL of you, listen.”

          Possessive is “y’all’s,” and I believe I have said that one out loud more than once.

    6. Dan*

      I had to write a spell correction algorithm for my job. I ended up developing a list of 1200 “words” that aren’t in the English dictionary but aren’t misspellings either.

      That was fun.

    7. paul*

      I’m very southern and will go to the barricades to defend “y’all” and it’s permutations.

      I also want a word to describe that sinking feeling you get when you realize you were wrong about something important and have to eat some crow.

    8. oranges & lemons*

      I hope y’all will catch on more broadly as well, mostly because I hate being called “ladies.” I don’t consider myself a lady so this is a constant source of annoyance.

    9. only acting normal*

      From Welsh/Wenglish:
      “Ach-a-fi”, because “yuck” or “yucky” doesn’t quite convey the same meaning.
      “Cwtch” because “cuddle” also doesn’t quite mean the same thing.
      “After” meaning “later”.
      “Now, in a minute” because a Welsh person will understand exactly what you mean, but there is simply no equivalent in English so it is baffling to the uninitiated. :)

      1. Rookie Manager*

        I heard ‘Ach-a-fi’ for the first time ever on telly the other week and it delighted me. My grandparents were born in Wales but brought up in England and that was a word that stuck. Recently my sister and I were out with my toddler nephew at the beach. He dropped his snack on the ground, picked it up and went to put it in his mouth. We instantly both shouted “Oh no! Ach-a-fi!” We laughed, he cried.

        1. only acting normal*

          More like Kwut’ch.
          (it’s one syllable but the “t” has a slight stop after it)
          YouTube video linked in name is about right (but weirdly seems to be said with an English accent).

        2. only acting normal*

          If you type it into you tube search and pick the Oxford Dictionaries video, that’s pretty good (although the accent is weirdly english).
          It’s sort of “kwut’ch”, but the “w” sound in Welsh isn’t present in English so it’s hard to explain. :)

    10. nep*

      (I say ‘innit?’ a lot — not even sure when/where I picked it up…but I say it so much the toddler I spend a lot of time with says it sometimes, or at least repeats me when I say it.)

    11. Jemima Bond*

      I find the French “chez” very useful.

      Also for some reason my mum, and now I, refer to housework/domestic chores in Latin, as “res domesticae”. Not more efficient; just gives it an air of gravitas and elegance!

        1. Jemima Bond*

          Once read a tip – do your hoovering and ironing in your bra and pants and your best high heels. Both are hot work and this attire is cooler, the heels add glamour so you feel less of a drudge; plus if your other half is about they’ll probably love it!!

    12. Elizabeth West*

      This is a weird thing I do–I absorb language patterns and vocabulary from people / cultures around me. When I lived in California, I started calling fizzy drinks soda (growing up in MO, we always called it pop) and I can’t undo it now. I also got “Yeppers” from a very old boyfriend and I can’t get rid of that one either!

      I don’t speak Yiddish, nor am I Jewish, but I use chutzpah a lot.

      Innit too. As in, “That’s a big dog, innit?” I’ve been saying this for years; I have no idea where I picked it up.

      And thanks to Harry Potter, back-to-back UK visits, and writing the as-of-now-failed Secret Book, I’ve incorporated several Britishisms. It feels weird to use the American equivalents. Bin, toilet roll, fortnight, gutted, advert, cuppa, faff (as in “I’ve just been faffing about”), nick, posh, mum, lift, university (or uni), knackered, sweets, lovely, and trainers are firmly lodged in my brain and cannot be removed. I still use ass as in big-ass, but if I just say or type ass, it’s likely to come out as arse now. At least I’ve cut down on saying “Sorry” to everything, but I suspect it’s just lurking until the next visit.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        Chutzpah is useful. I remember reading that it can be defined as a quality possessed by a man who, on trial for murdering both parents, throws himself on the mercy of the court as an orphan…
        The nearest in British English would I think be “brass neck”.

      2. Jemima Bond*

        Also Elizabeth, the true skill re innit (and I say this advisedly, living as I do in South London) is using it not only as a substitute for “isn’t it” but also for other tenses and persons e.g weren’t they, haven’t you. Examples: They went to KFC innit? You know he likes her innit?
        True proficiency is achieved when you give an account to another person of your surprise at a situation, by saying, “I was like, oh ma god, innit?!”

    14. Pathfinder Ryder*

      Cheating a little because it’s more or less in New Zealand English, but I really like the originally Māori custom of koha, which is along the lines of a donation or a gift (for a service rendered) but with connotations of gratitude, respect for the person you’re giving koha to, and what you are able to give them.

  44. Oxford Coma*

    I’ve started researching joint supplements for my 14-year-old cat, who is starting to stiffen up. Glucosamine drops, vitamin chews…there’s a lot out there. Anyone have good/bad stories or product recommendations? TIA.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      My 21 1/2 year old cat with arthritis has been on cosequin for years on the advice of my vet. I think it’s helped keep her in pretty good shape. It was clear when she was younger that she would likely have arthritis (something about how her hips aligned, kind of low like a German shepard) so while it hasn’t prevented the arthritis, it has helped keep her moving well for her age. I buy the capsules on Amazon and sprinkle them over her food. Apparently it’s tasteless so she never even notices.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      We started Adequan shots, and they’ve really helped our 11-year old cat’s mobility and vertical jump. It just needs to be injected into the skin in the scruff to be absorbed, so it’s pretty easy as far as medications go. In my opinion it’s easier than pills, but then our cat didn’t even notice the shots…except the one time I think I hit muscle or bone with the needle, after which I got better at judging the depth of the shot.

      It’s two shots a week for four weeks, then one a month, so it’s a bit of a pain in the beginning, but pretty trivial after that once you have the hang of it.

      1. Rogue*

        Dog owner here, so my experience may or may not be helpful. We did a full series of adequan shots for one of our dogs. They did help, but were super expensive ($500+ for our 65lb dog, so maybe less for a cat). Her knees stopped making a crunching sound. However, the noise is back, although not as bad, and it hasn’t been six months. Both dogs also get a joint supplement called Phycox. Not sure if they make a feline version.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Our cat is 10-20% the weight of your dog, and so we are doing 0.23 ml per dose at on the schedule I described. One 5ml vial can be had for about $60-$120 and should last us 20 months at this rate, although I’m going to call the vet and ask if we can up it a little, as she’s getting slower the week before her shot. And I’m administering them myself, which of course is cheaper than having the vet do it; it’s not clear if you gave the shots yourself. We do have an oral supplement, too, but we did just the shots at first and there was a very noticeable difference in her mobility and willingness to jump and run.

        2. Short & Dumpy*

          I really hate to say this, but your vet took you for a ride (assuming you are in the US). I have a 140 lb dog & depending on what coupons I find, it’s about $35/month for his Adequan. Even if you go the full old recommendations on a dog the size of mine (which I actually did because I had some vials that were recently expired leftover from my mare), it is still only about $200.

          Adequan works great for a lot of animals. I’ve used it on a number of horses and dogs. It is the difference between my current big guy making it up & down the stairs or having to stay on the main floor. But it didn’t do anything for my last German shepherd. I also suspect it is not a comfortable injection …all of mine have absolutely hated the Adequan shots even though they didn’t mind their vaccinations or other shots. My big dog actually gets twice daily shots for something else that he is oblivious to but starts crying as soon as I push the plunger on Adequan. It’s odd!

    4. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      My cat’s been on Cosequin for years. Vet originally suggested it, and I get it from pet stores/online. Just mix the powder into the wet food.

  45. Marie B.*

    Feeling a bit bummed and just need to vent. I’ve spent the last 6 months planning a networking (not work networking but personal life networking) and support event for women of color and especially those who’ve struggled with feeling disenfranchised or unsupported by society. This is not for work, it is a personal cause I am really passionate about. I want to give back. A friend owns a pub and offered to close it and let us have the space and food/drink for free. This was a huge bonus since we would have a difficult time affording a space otherwise and couldn’t afford food at all. The event was less than a week away and everything was in place. Just before the event the liasons for the attendees told my friend (who was giving us thousands of dollars of space, food and drink for free, was closing her business to the public for a whole day, and paying her staff because she said it wasn’t their fault they would not get to work), that she would not be allowed inside her own pub (or even her apartment above it) because she isn’t a women of color. My friend was not going to participate in the event but was just going to oversee the food. She was told if she tried to come inside the pub or even her apartment she would be locked out. I saw the email. After that my friend decided not to host the event in her pub and we had to cancel it. I’m so angry. I don’t blame my friend. I am angry at how she was treated and I’m angry and heartbroken that the event won’t happen after all I poured into it. It wasn’t like that thing we don’t mention on weekends. I actually cared about this and I am angry and sad it is not happening. No question or anything, I just needed to vent. Thanks.

    1. Marie B.*

      I should also add that there has a been a huge backlash in the community over what happened to my friend and the cause has lost lots of support over it.

    3. Michele*

      I’m sorry about your event and how your friend was treated. It sounds like you really worked hard on it.

      A couple of years ago in my hometown a transgender police officer was banned from an event she planned/organized for the transgender community because she was a police officer. There was lots of backlash over it.

      It’s not your fault what happened. You were doing a good thing and this is not on you. Good vibes and hugs (if you want them).

        1. Lissa*

          I wish I could say I was surprised, but there’s a lot of absolute purity stuff that goes on in spaces – I’m a part of some and have had to back away because it just induces in me a feeling of never ever being good enough or having a correct enough opinion to not be terrible.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      That is horrible. Your friend sounds very generous and the liaison treated her like complete crap. What on earth was the liaison thinking? Seriously– have you spoken or written to the liaison and asked wtf is wrong with him/her? I mean, for real. If this liaison had a problem with the venue (and having a problem with management = problem with the venue), then he/she could have looked for other arrangements.

      I’m so sorry your hard work was ruined by someone who acts before they think.

      1. Turtlewings*

        I agree, push back on this, make a stink about it, let them know (even if other people are already telling them) they did a horrible, crappy thing that has only hurt literally everyone involved.

        Also, consider having the event anyway, in whatever capacity you can. I don’t know exactly how these things work, but is there some way to just announce the thing is happening anyway and it’s these liaisons who aren’t invited?

        1. Marie B.*

          Unfortunately my friend refuses to have anything to do with the cause or the event. The speakers have backed out over the backlash. We can’t afford food or a space and after what happened no one will donate their space to us. The event is dead. I wish it could go on but it is not. I’m so angry at all of the liasons I don’t even want to talk to them to be honest.

          1. Thlayli*

            I think you should make sure all the women in the network know what happened and who is to blame, so you can all make sure those idiots aren’t allowed to stick their noses into any other events you plan in the future. They have proved beyond doubt that they fit the old saying well – they are “not able to organise a piss-up in a brewery”. Almost literally in this case.

    5. Laura H*

      I’m not a PoC, so my opinion kinda doesn’t matter as much, but I hope to goodness that those liaisons are taken to task over killing this event (so close to occurring) with (my opinion) a major overreach. It’s fine to ask that the owner stay behind the scenes and make her best efforts not to interact at an event that isn’t for her- and I read that she was going to do that-, but in effect banning her from her own space because she’s not a PoC is so tone-deaf I can’t even. You don’t do that to a host! I think it’s on the liaisons and I’m hoping you get an apology!!!

      And the backlash against your group as a whole for the liaisons’ ridiculous demands is so not fair.

      And I’m sorry that the time you put into it is now for naught.

      :(

    6. Kay*

      The liaisons (plural) are idiots. Trying to ban someone from their own property. They had no right to make sure a demand. Frankly they sound like terrible people. I’m sorry your event got cancelled because of some jerks.

    7. Sparkly Lady*

      I am so sorry that happened! That is really hard on every level.

      I am also a little confused by why the attendees thought they had the power to dictate to the person donating space that she couldn’t be there (or even in her own living space!). I would understand making a request to see if it was possible, but why didn’t they come to you? Why would they think it was appropriate to threaten to lock her our of her own living space? How did they even think that would work?

      1. Kels gels*

        I disagree that it would have been reasonable to ask her to see if it was possible. It’s her business and home. Considering she was providing thousands of dollars worth of food, it sounds like a large event. To ask her to stay out of her home and business while a huge group of strangers are there is not reasonable at all. I know the liasons presents it as a demand but even to ask would be horrible manners and not reasonable at all.

        1. Marie B.*

          Exactly. A request for my friend to do it is just as tone deaf as a demand. She can’t stay out of her pub and the place she lives while hundreds of strangers are there. A request would have been just as gross.

    8. Triple Anon*

      Wow. Any chance the group could reconsider the whole thing? Or could everyone get together and have the event without the liaisons? Just make it a casual meet up and call it something different? I’m sorry you and your friend had to go through all of that.

    9. Thlayli*

      Wow. That’s unbelievable.

      The liaisons messed up so badly I wonder if they might have been deliberately trying to sabotage the event for some reason? No one could be *that* stupid.

      They wouldn’t even have been able to legally enforce their crazy rules. It’s probably illegal to refuse entry to a premises to the landlord during an event. IANAL but I think landlords of licensed premises have the right (and responsibility) to ensure it’s not being damaged and there’s nothing illegal going on. If there was underage drinking happening for example your friend would have been legally responsible, so they couldn’t legally have refused her entry to check for illegal activity.

      It would also be illegal for them to forcibly prevent her from entering her own place of residence. That’s the craziest thing of all.

      And that’s not even getting into the sheer rudeness and bad judgement they showed.

      Just… sheer madness.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I think sometimes people get into their own little bubble of a few like-minded people and can get into odd ways of thinking because “all of their friends” agree with them.

      2. FD*

        Eh, I wouldn’t attribute it to deliberate malice. Any time you get a group of people who feel strongly about something, you’ll get a few outliers who are way past the norm for that group. And if those people get into positions of power–or even just visibility–it can often really damage the entire group’s reputation.

        1. Marie B.*

          My friend was told she would be locked out of her own home and business because she is white and for no other reason. While almost 100 people she has never met were present and had access to everything. It was malicious.

        2. FD*

          Sorry, I wasn’t clear. Thlayli said, “The liaisons messed up so badly I wonder if they might have been deliberately trying to sabotage the event for some reason? No one could be *that* stupid.” I meant, I wouldn’t assume they intended to sabotage the event even though that’s the effect.

          I was trying to refer to “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” They did intend malice to the host, obviously; I doubt they meant to hurt the event itself.

    10. Marie B.*

      Thanks everyone. The event is dead in the water. My friend won’t have anything to do with it even without the liasons being a part of it. There was big backlash and the speakers won’t do it and no one else will speak or donate a space due to the anger and backlash. We can’t afford a space or food on our own. It’s over as much as I wish this wasn’t the case.

      1. Reba*

        Oof. How disappointing.

        It sounds like your friend isn’t holding it against you, personally, at least? Just looking for a little good news here.

        I hope you find another group or effort sometime soon where your talents can be used to build something good.

        1. Marie B.*

          Oh no she doesn’t blame me at all. I am angry on her behalf and she says none of it is my fault. This whole things has soured her on things but her and I are all good.

      2. oranges & lemons*

        This whole thing sounds so awful and disappointing. I’m so sorry that it tanked your event–it sounds like you poured a lot into it. It’s always so disappointing when a number of people put a lot into a cause that they really believe in and it gets wrecked by petty nonsense like this. It’s like–can’t we all just concentrate on the cause just for a moment and not get sidetracked by our human frailty??

    11. Betsy*

      I’m not a PoC, either, so not saying I have any special insight into PoC only events.

      However, as an activist, I feel like a lot of people just get too caught up in approaching things in a very legalistic way, so you get the people who just want to run a good event, and then those who stick to ideals in an overly rigid way.

      Sure, it would be ideal to have a PoC event in a space with only PoC. I respect autonomous organising. But there’s a huge amount of difference between the pub owner being in her own apartment, or behind the scenes in the pub, and saying ‘hey, here’s a white guy called Arnold and he’ll now be running your networking event for women of colour’. I feel like the liaison was acting like it’s the latter case, rather than the former. Activist organising involves some compromises. Occasionally you don’t get the gender or ethnicity balance you wanted on your panel, because the great refugee woman speaker you’d lined up canceled an hour before, but there’s nothing you can do about it at the last minute. It sounds like this liaison was just a bit naive and wanted to run things according to a text or theory paper, when life doesn’t really work that way.

      1. LizB*

        Totally agreed. It’s also, like… from my understanding, Marie B’s friend behaved exactly the way allies would ideally behave. She donated her resources to a group that doesn’t have as many resources available, and was going to stay in the background to help manage those resources/make sure they were available to participants but not involve herself in the conversation. That seems like the best case scenario for “white ally wants to help with a POC-focused event”. I’m also white, and I’m open to being told I’m wrong on this, but it seems like Marie B. and her friend had something really good planned, and I’m sad it got ruined.

        1. Lissa*

          There’s a type of person that believes that “ally” means “doormat”, and uses “bad ally” as a way to slam down anyone who tries to set boundaries or say ok I can do this but not that. It’s unfortunately endemic in a group I used to love (IRL). The mindset here would be “She says she’s an ally but she’s only willing to do it on HER terms, she’s no real friend to community” or something like this. It is a weird echo chamber that makes it seem like this type of thing is not just reasonable but an expected and normal way to think.

          1. Triple Anon*

            Yes. Stuff like that has made me distance myself from activist communities again and again. I wish it wasn’t like that.

    12. FD*

      I’m really sorry that happened. I can’t imagine how frustrating and crappy that must feel. I’ve only managed a couple of tiny events and I know how much stress goes into that–so I can only guess how much work went into what you described and seeing it go down the drain would suck even if it weren’t also a cause you really care about personally.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Wow. Just wow.
      I am not clear on how the liaisons think they have helped their cause. What a massive screw up on their part.
      I am so sorry this happened to you, your friend and others who put their hearts into pulling this together.

      I hope that on a different day the understanding folks in your group can pull together and do something else as a group. For the moment you now know who you won’t be working with again any time soon.

      Please share this internet stranger’s condolences with the kind people around you. I am so sorry.

    14. Someone else*

      Those liasons sure did cut off their nose to spite their face. Damn, what poor judgement.

      1. Amadeo*

        Yeah, I am really, really curious how they thought that was going to work out for them. Like, sure, all these folks I don’t know, come on into my business and my home and make yourselves comfortable while I disappear and leave you access to everything?

        I’m just scratching my head over this one. This person was giving you everything for free, was not inserting herself into the event/was only going to be present to manage the food and premises and you thank her by threatening to lock her out of her business and home? I sincerely don’t get where they thought that demand was gonna lead.

        I’m so sorry Marie! Hopefully at some point down the road you can recover, but you and your group may never have a similar opportunity again.

    15. Jemima Bond*

      That’s terrible! Mildly related anecdote – I was thinking of going along to Pride in London last summer but I was concerned I might be, not unwelcome, but maybe appropriating an event for a group i’m not a part of? (I’m cisgender and hetero). I was roundly informed by LGBTQ friends that I would be more than welcome, “pride is for everyone!”. So I went along, had a drink and a dance (and a free hug from a man in fairy costume, and a selfie with a person dressed as a giant Peperami) and when there were “shout-outs” to all the many groups from the main stage, one was “let’s have a cheer for our straight allies!” I cheered loudly but I think someone was chopping onions nearby… Point being, we need allies whatever group we identify with. And that cause had a wonderful ally in your pub-providing friend, and they threw that away…what a shame.

    16. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      That is REALLY crappy of them. You DO NOT insult someone is doing something genuinely kind for you and trying to help. The organizers totally deserve to take the heat for their stupid (yes, that was stupid) actions that may have seriously hurt their cause.

    17. LilySparrow*

      Wait, what of the what?

      They wanted to lock her out of her *own apartment*???

      How does that — I mean, why would they have keys to her apartment?

  46. MsChanandlerBong*

    I’m annoyed, but I can’t figure out if I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I was in a wedding a few months ago. The wedding announcement came out this week, and I am listed by my maiden name…which I hated, and which I have not had in almost six years. Everyone else is listed by their preferred/correct married name. It’s not like I got married the month before the wedding and the announcement had already been written with my maiden name and someone forgot to change it. I’ve been married for over five years! I don’t really care about the wedding announcement, but I can’t help feeling a bit miffed that I traveled thousands of miles and paid over $3,000 for my dress, shoes, plane tickets, etc. and they couldn’t even bother to get my name right.

    1. Reba*

      Yeah, I’d be miffed. I don’t think there’s a point in bringing it up to the couple, unless you have other reason to believe they somehow don’t know your name? But yeah. You’re close enough friends to be in the wedding! Geez.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Yeah, I am not going to say anything. I am just going to be miffed from afar. Also, the bride is my cousin, so she should know my name well enough.

        1. Blue Eagle*

          It always bugs me when people won’t address me in accordance with my preference so I get what you are saying.

          But would you re-consider your decision to suffer in silence and not say anything. Particularly with family and extended family these things have a way of festering, so if you would just say something light like “hey, I noticed that I was listed in the wedding announcement by a name I no longer use rather than my married name, what happened?” and give her a chance to explain. At least she will then know it was an issue for you. And hopefully you will feel better after she apologizes (hopefully) for the mistake.

    2. WellRed*

      I’d be miffed. Don’t suppose you have your own, five-year-old wedding announcement you can send back in return? (Not really, of course).

    3. CatCat*

      Could it have been an innocent mistake (like whoever typed it up was working from an old address book or address computer file, and the error was overlooked )? Certainly not ideal, but I could see how that could happen.

      Do you have any reason to think you were somehow singled out here?

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        It’s just little things about the way she and my other “friends” (using this term lightly now that I think about how they have been behaving) act around me. For example, when we went to get the pictures done for the wedding, the photographer had us walk quite a ways to take advantage of the foliage and other natural features. When we walked back, I said I was going to sit in the limo and rest (I have lupus, so it was a lot more activity than I am used to–climbing up on rocks while wearing dress shoes, walking up and down hills, etc.). Well, they all decided to take photos on their cell phones, and no one even bothered to stick their head in the limo and say, “Hey, if you are able to come out, we’re taking candid photos.” The photos they took were WAY better than the expensive photographer’s, but there’s not a single photo of me because no one bothered to include me. It’s as if I am always an afterthought. I DID mention that to my cousin; however, she had nothing to do with it. She and her new husband were down by the pond having photos taken by the professional photographer, so she had no idea, and there wasn’t anything she could do about it. A few people were also miffed when I left at the end of the bridal shower instead of staying to clean up. I was in the middle of a horrible lupus flare and seriously considered canceling my trip, but I didn’t want to miss it. I flew across two time zones, arrived at 1:00 in the morning and had another two-hour drive ahead of me to get to my final destination, spent two days running around doing WAY more than I normally do (prepping for the shower), and then the day of the shower had to be at the venue at 8 a.m. to set up. When the shower finally ended close to 6 p.m., I had exceeded my limit, but comments were made about how I wasn’t staying to clean up.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          If it were me I might be seriously rethinking how much time I would be giving these people in the future.

          It sounds like your cousin was not directly involved in these things, it’s other people who were actively being ignorant. One thing that has helped me in the past is to consider the source(s) of the remarks. Some people are known for their thoughtlessness and tactlessness. If I can narrow it down to one or a few people, I can steer clear of those people.

        2. Reba*

          Wow, that sounds like a very heavy-duty wedding. Maybe the name thing is drawing focus for the feeling of being pretty well used!

          If it helps, one interpretation of the candid photo thing could be that they thought “MrsChanandlerBong went to the car to rest, let’s not bother her” — or perhaps just thoughtlessness, IDK obviously. But ascribing better motives to others sometimes helps get over little hurts.

          And yeah, maybe you are also learning more about all these people and their capacity for care and understanding especially around your illness and needs. That can be really, really sad and painful if they aren’t able to really be there for you. But it is good to know.

    4. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      I will be honest – just because you’re family doesn’t mean someone was told. My mom found out after about 20 YEARS of annual Christmas cards that a cousin was divorced and remarried – ie, she’d been sending the card to the wrong wife’s name. For 20 years. No one told her.

      So yeah, talk to your cousin about it. Doesn’t need to be a big deal, and their reaction will tell you what you need to know.

    5. Teapot PM*

      Could it have been an innocent oversight? Especially if it is family so that is the name they grew up knowing you as? I’m reminded of my aunt’s funeral and the program listed my cousin’s daughter by her maiden name. They had done it themselves and hadn’t even noticed. It was until one of my brothers quietly asked out cousin (mom of the misnamed person) “um are A and B not together?” That anyone noticed. They thought it was hilarious but they had all proofed it and none of them had noticed

  47. Wheels Up*

    I’m just had a bad experience with American Airlines. I’m wheelchair bound and I know my rights. The airline MUST put my chair in the cabin if I request it. They tried the “well, the closet is broken” story (which means the crew just doesn’t want to move their junk) and I told them I want it strapped to seats (which they have to do, even if it means bumping passengers). They refused. They threatened to have me arrested when I started to film the encounter. My chair was put under the plane. Anyone have executive contacts for American Airlines because I want heads to roll on this one.

    1. Reba*

      Are you on Twitter, or are you close to someone who is? Often reports of issues seem to get a lot of traction on that platform, since it’s public they seem to try to act right. If you reach out to a disability rights group I’d bet they could advise you, too.

      So sorry that happened to you. The airline thing is so tricky because it is actually the law that you must obey the crew members. But as you have seen, they can be wrong.

    2. CAA*

      Check out Chris Elliott’s consumer advocacy site at elliott dot org. He has executive contacts for many companies and I’m sure AA will be on his list.

    4. Dan*

      Also, look up the Air Carrier Access Act. It’s the ADA for airlines, it should list some remedies.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Sorry I seem to have posted the same thing as you! I just posted without reading the other replies!

    5. Call me St. Vincent*

      Please contact the DOT Office for Civil rights and file a complaint! This sounds like a violation of the Air Carrier Access Act (the ADA of the skies). I would link but I’m on my phone.

    6. rubyrose*

      I am so sorry; there is absolutely no reason you should have had to go through that. The other responses I think have it covered on next steps/how to get the contact information you want.

      Not trying to derail this discussion, but I am so sick and tired of seeing reports of airline staff not following the law and/or doing really stupid things (putting a puppy in an overhead bin, forcing a mom to hold her three year old on her lap because they have given the child’s paid seat to someone else) and then pleading ignorance and apparently thinking a ‘we’re sorry” makes up for it. I used to be the type who turned off the cell phone before getting on the plane. No more; need that camera ready.

  48. soaps and lotions*

    I have a friend who is going through a tough time and I wanted to send her some stuff to cheer her up. She loves soaps, lotions, etc. and lavender. Does anyone have any suggestions? I’m very challenged in that area!

    1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      If you have a little time and want different stuff other than what you can find at Target or Bath and Body Works, check out Etsy! I’m also a huge fan of Lush but they can be a touch on the pricey side.

      1. SAHM*

        I’m going to second Lush, but also recommend maybe hitting your local farmers market for a soapmaker, they usually have one or two soapers at local markets. Also bath bombs are AMAZING if your friend has a tub.

    2. CatCat*

      Check out local craft shows. I’ve gotten some cool, unique bath products at craft shows.

    3. Carmina Burrata*

      L’Occitane en Provence does great lavender soap and hand cream, and is usually easy to find. If you live where you can find a store, they do nice gift packaging.

    4. Dead Quote Olympics*

      Niven Morgan lavender mint hand lotion, gel soap, body wash, etc. it’s splurgy ($20 per item or so) but it smells delicious and the packaging is luxe.

    5. LCL*

      I love things by Nicole made this. Soap, lotions, it all smells heavenly. Her beer lotion is to die for.

    7. rubyrose*

      HoneyHouseNaturals dot com. I learned of them on this very site, on the weekend open thread about a year and a half ago. High quality products. Take a look at the Bee Bar. It is a solid but after being in your hands for about 30 seconds the outside melts down and turns into a lotion. Great for taking on board an airplane.

  49. OlympiasEpiriot*

    Movie Recommendation:

    The Death Of Stalin.

    Fantastic. From the guy who brought us The Thick of It, Veep, In the Loop…

    Go watch the trailer. If you’re in a big city, you can see it at a theather, but you can see it anywhere via streaming.

    I’m thinking about going to see it for a second time. :-)

  50. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    I’m so tired of bad news. A good friend of mine was thyroid cancer (that she’s been fighting for years, and each time she goes to the doctor the news gets bleaker). A close friend of the family has brain cancer. And another one’s wife has pancreatic cancer.

    I don’t know how much more my heart can take. Every phone call, text message, or email is just worse and worse news.

    I have no right to complain because, my God, I’m not the one going through it. And I know I’m being a spoiled little brat…but I just want to shut my phone off and snuggle down in my blankets and pillows for a while.

    1. WonderingHowIGotHere*

      So do that. Give yourself permission to take these necessary self care steps. You aren’t being a spoiled brat, you are being a supportive good friend, and you can only do that if you can get yourself back to full mental strength.
      Internet hugs to you and your friends. X

    2. Not So NewReader*

      When life isn’t tough, that is only because it is down right impossible.
      Take the time for good self-care. It’s really not optional to put the time into self-care because life just keeps throwing those curve balls. We need to be actively building ourselves up most of the time.

      I am very sorry for your friends’ illnesses.

    3. PB*

      I’m so sorry. You are not being a brat a all. Even though you’re not sick, it is so, so hard when illness strikes are loved ones, and it is so unfair for so much to be happening at once. I hope you can take some time for yourself soon.

  51. SAHM*

    My dog ate my (warm fresh from oven dripping with butter) muffin while I was washing toddler’s sticky fingers. :-/ He’s now moping outside on the patio giving me sad eyes.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh but that’s hilarious! (I have been on the receiving end of many remorseful doggy eyes so I get it.)

    2. kc89*

      it’s been like a decade and I still get annoyed when I think of my old dog snatching the best part of my burger right off my plate

      2. LizB*

        Sometimes when I’m hungry I have wistful visions of the half a salami sandwich I never got to eat.

      3. Amadeo*

        I’m no novice to dog ownership, but nothing gets me angrier faster than food thieving. My correction in that moment would have been instant, severe and memorable. I suppose it’s just a personal failing, but even age would have softened it.

        I don’t steal *your* food, so you don’t take mine! (Unless I share willingly)

      4. Jen*

        It’s been a decade and I still remember when I turned my head for less than the time it takes to sneeze, and my dog stole the birthday cake slide of the plate in my hand…and when I stared to sneeze he was across the room. He got the whole thing in one mouthful, swallowed and was back on the dog bed across the room before I realized what happened. I was so p!ssed and so impressed all at the same time.

    3. Little bean*

      So sorry! My dog is a master at getting food. He will sit patiently near you and lull you into thinking he’s a good boy and the second you get distracted, he will snatch the food right off your plate. I have learned to NEVER leave food anywhere he can reach it for even a second.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      One of cats is a butter thief. We typically leave our butter on the counter. At the time I didn’t have a butter dish so I kept it on a small plate and covered it with plastic wrap. At least once a week, or more, we’d come home and find she had chewed through the plastic wrap and licked the butter. Sometimes she even ate a chunk of butter. It took us awhile–we would put it up on the top of the toaster oven (high up), and then my husband would forget it’s up there and then make toast and it would liquefy–, but we finally broke down and got a proper butter dish.

      1. Kuododi*

        Hope the consequences for kitty eating butter was less “awkward” than when my youngest mini daschund ate a 1/2 stick of butter. His little colon was all lubed up and bathroom issues we’re indelicate for 2 or 3 days. BLECH!!!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Haha no, she didn’t have any bathroom issues. I don’t think she ate enough for that. Her thing is typically to give it enough licks so we know she was there and we should have covered the butter. But now that I use a butter dish, no more half-licked butter!

      2. Windchime*

        I was just thinking about my old cat (long since dead) as I was replacing the cover on the butter dish. I bought the dish because he would constantly get up on the counter to lick the butter–so aggravating! New kitty couldn’t be less interested in the butter, but I still keep it covered out of habit.

        Old kitty also loved Dorito’s (nacho cheese flavor, please) and popcorn. He would slink up beside me on the sofa and gently put his paw into my bowl and grab a chip for himself, then race off to eat it.

    6. Kuododi*

      We had a chow husky mix that was the incredible eating machine. The worst was when we woke up one Saturday morning and realized that the big dingus had jumped on the kitchen counter, snatched my 1pound choclate bar and eaten the whole d***thing!!!! Scared us to death….needless to say we took him to the after hours vet clinic and the doc checked him out…bottom line, the only problem the big idiot had was chocolate burps for the next few days.

    7. SAHM*

      You guys are hilarious!!! And make me feel so much better about giving into puppy eyes and letting him back in. He is my spoiled princess and gets away with far more than my real kids do. Lol

      1. fposte*

        It’s not like it was teaching him not to do it anyway. The only reason is to keep him away so you can enjoy your remaining muffin in peace :-).

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Many year ago when my cat was a kitten I made a batch of pumpkin muffins and put them on a cooling rack on the kitchen table. An hour later I went into the kitchen and found all of the muffins scattered on the floor with bites taken out of all of the tops. She’s loved pumpkin ever since.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      When I was a kid my mother made an orange cake. She took it out of the pan and put it on a cooling rack. The aroma filled the house. She went downstairs to get the laundry. When she came back up there was a huge chunk taken out of the orange cake. Yep, the mutt got the cake.

      It was too bad she threw the rest of the cake out. I would have just cut fresh edges on the missing section. oh well.

    10. PseudoMona*

      My previous kitty liked cookies, particularly sugar cookies. She once got into a brand new package of cookies I had left on the kitchen table. The next morning I found the package lying open on the table, and she had nibbled around the entire circumference of several cookies.

  52. Burn After Reading*

    What’s the proper way to complain about improper behavior by a doctor’s assistant?

    The assistant in question has no medical degree but invited himself into my appointment (wearing scrubs, so I thought he was supposed to be there) and asked me to get additional tests after the doctor left the room. Also, I’d tried to get some tests done at an outpatient-type place (say, a CVS Minute Clinic) but they’d said that I should get the test done in a hospital. I asked the assistant for a referral; he waited two days, then called “CVS” saying I wanted a referral an ER. I also suspect but can’t prove that he misrepresented my condition to the doctor he works for, as I’m seeing several people and this doctor has wildly different ideas about what I should do than anyone else…

    Or they’re both incompetent. I’m inclined to call the doctor that this assistant works for and ask what’s going on (not that I’d stay with him, but in the doctor’s shoes, I’d want to know that my assistant was going rogue). But am I opening myself up to any liabilities that I should be thinking of? Should I just let that doctor reap what his assistant sows?

    1. Burn After Reading*

      Or is this serious enough that I should just bypass the doctor and report it straight to… my insurance company? Board? If I’d followed the orders that this assistant gave me, it sounds like they would have actively caused me harm, potentially including emergency hospitalization.

      1. fposte*

        I think that’ll depend on the specifics. But usually insurance isn’t going to care; practice manager/ombudsperson or state licensing board for physician assistants would be the likely places to go.

    2. fposte*

      Doctor going is just fraught with unpleasantness–I’m sorry this was so frustrating. I will say, though, that I’ve had several doctors that use physician assistants in the manner you describe–can you clarify what you mean by “invited himself into my appointment”? I can’t tell if he asked you or the doctor if he could join the consult and you consented because you thought he was a doctor or if we’re talking about something else. If it’s just that he was included on the consult team, that’s pretty common IME, and I’ve definitely been to facilities where it would have been up to the PA to handle lab test details after the Big Cheese moved on.

      If he said he would be okay doing a referral outside of a hospital and then didn’t do it, that’s sleazy, and I’d be inclined to complain to the practice manager. And remember if you’re concerned about what’s being reported, you have the right to view your own patient record, so feel free to request that.

      1. Burn After Reading*

        Thank you– it’s worrying enough to be unwell, I hate having to second-guess whether or not my doctors are actually giving me care that will help me, not hurt me. My cousin is a PA, so I know how rigorous that training is, but he’s actually an executive assistant; I looked him up, and he’s got something like a bachelors in biology– so interested in the field, sure, but he’s got no medical training at all.

        He just walked into the room during the appointment, wearing scrubs, and proceeded to listen in. I wasn’t ever told what his role was (I googled him afterwards). When the doctor left, he gave me first his own orders (which were contradicted by another doctor) and then the doctor’s orders.

        Thank you for the tip about requesting my medical records! I didn’t know that, but will follow up for those on Monday.

        1. fposte*

          Oh, wow, I’d definitely be unhappy about that. And it does sound like the doctor is okay with that and really shouldn’t be. It wouldn’t hurt to check in your state whether he might be practicing medicine without a license; either way, I’d certainly bring the whole thing to the attention of the facility and, if you don’t get a speedy and satisfactory response, check to see what your state might offer about complaints–there should be a state medical board, but there might also be an office in the attorney general’s division or something similar that would take medical complaints.

          1. Burn After Reading*

            Thank you– I’m definitely unhappy, but also fairly new to getting any kind of serious medical care, so I don’t know what’s worth escalating. Do you have a feel for what I should expect in terms of follow-up from whatever body I report to? Can I just file a report that says “hey, rouge assistant” and be done with it?

            1. fposte*

              I don’t have experiences with a complaint to the state board. My attorney general’s office and the practice manager both contacted me in return; the first, understandably, took a lot longer to get back to me than the second.

              If this person could be a CMA, as suggested below, I’d definitely start with the practice manager. An “I’m unhappy and it didn’t seem like the doctor knew what I was being instructed to do” is something that the practice manager might be able to help address with information as well as taking your concerns down.

              However, I will admit I wasn’t familiar with CMAs (a quick look suggests that their scope of practice is heavily state-dependent, which may be why), and I will say that it’s extremely common for doctors to be working with a team of non-doctors and for most of the contact and information in a visit to be with the non-doctor part of the team. So it’s still possible this was within regular scope of practice, even if the information you got from him differed from what another doctor told you (that also is, I’m afraid, a pretty common experience).

              So I still think it’s worth having a look at your records and possibly contacting the practice manager, because you are really unhappy, it wasn’t at all clear what the doctor knows, and there may be an issue with the referrals for the tests (wasn’t quite clear on the ins and outs of your situation there–I know that sometimes a facility will want the test to be done in a hospital because of the risk level). Those things sound like they’d be a problem for you even if it turns out he was a standard and acceptably authorized member of the medical team, and if it turns out he wasn’t, you can gin up your rage appropriately.

              1. Burn After Reading*

                Thank you for such a thorough answer. I asked last week to speak directly to the doctor involved here–although I could only ask through the problematic (executive) assistant, who seems to be in no rush at all to make that happen. I’m not sure now if I should start with the doctor or the practice manager; some of my questions are about why the doctor ordered tests that could harm me (which might be because his EA never handed over my records, I don’t know) and some are complaints about the EA being in the room at all. Where would you start?

                1. fposte*

                  I would be inclined to go with the practice manager if otherwise you’d have to speak directly to the assistant. You can simply say that to the practice manager, too. I wouldn’t be able to speak to any of my doctors directly about a management concern; it’s just not usually what they do. You obviously should have been told that if that’s the case, but it doesn’t surprise me that it’s a low priority.

                  I would also change your phrasing on the tests–pretty much any test could harm you, so that won’t make the issue clear. I’d phrase it as “ordered the [blah] test, which is contraindicated for people with the [bloop] syndrome that I have” (I’m guessing that’s the kind of problem you’re talking about, right?). Sometimes there’s a reason why it makes sense to request a test even though it’s contraindicated (sometimes the warnings are pretty perfunctory) but sometimes it’s not and they miss important stuff.

                2. Burn After Reading*

                  Thank you! It looks like the doctor might BE the practice manager (in any case, the EA reports directly and only to him; there are also a couple PAs, who I haven’t met, and… no one else?) although I’d rather speak to someone more neutral in the situation.

                  Thank you for the phrasing suggestion, too. That’s pretty much it– “you gave me a test for condition A, but because I have B, that test would likely have hospitalized me / stopped me from breathing / that kind of thing.”

                3. fposte*

                  @Burn–okay, sounds like you’re talking a very small practice then; they often don’t have that kind of administration that’s de rigueur at a larger facility.

                  Another possibility to throw in here is to get your records and go to another doctor with them; presumably you don’t want to go to this doctor again anyway, and the other doctor might be able to give you some insight into how out of line the testing possibility was.

        2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

          I went to a new doctor, and he apparently does student doctors (no idea the specifics), and I was specifically asked by the nurse if I was ok if the student doctor was involved. you doctor is messing up. Call him, and if you’re not satisfied, I’d escalate.

    3. WellRed*

      By assistant, do you mean a physician assistant? Not clear in what happened here but PAs do have medical training.

      1. Burn After Reading*

        No, an executive assistant– although he signs some of his emails with the more ambiguous “medical assistant,” he actually doesn’t have any medical training.

        1. Enough*

          Find a new doctor and then complain/explain to doctor about his assistant giving you medical advice. Consider filing a complaint with the state medical board about him telling you to get more tests and his use of medical assistant.

        2. Totally Minnie*

          Google your state medical board office and report this doctor. He should not be allowing non-medical professionals to be part of patient care, especially not without explaining to you or asking your consent. This is not cool.

          1. Burn After Reading*

            Thank you both for weighing in– as I said above, I’m rather new to navigating healthcare more complicated than an annual checkup, so I don’t know what’s reasonable to complain about to who(m?).

          2. Book Lover*

            In my state, that would be the nuclear option, honestly.

            You may not like the doctor or be happy about what happened, but I would ask his office or him directly what happened and explain you are unhappy before going to the medical board.
            Once you go to the medical board, it will show an active complaint on his record until it is resolved and can take months and a lot of legal paperwork for him to clear. If this person was a CMA, I feel that is unfair to the doctor. They may not have done a good job of explaining who the person was or communicating with you and that warrants a complaint, but not necessarily a board complaint.

            I don’t know, but I guess I always feel that letting someone know you are upset and hearing their side is reasonable. Then you can still go to the board if you are concerned that he is a danger and needs to be censured or have his license pulled. That is what you are saying when you go to the board – that the physician is a potential danger to patients and perhaps should lose his livelihood.

        3. Rebecca*

          I’m a CMA, certified medical assistant. It’s a 1-2 year program with medical training and a national certification exam. In my work for a family practice doctor I: room patients, take vital signs, administer medications and immunizations, perform EKG tests, draw blood or other specimens for lab tests, analyze certain lab tests, follow protocol to refill certain classes of medications and order lab testing, meet alone with patients to answer basic questions, perform basic wound care, remove stitches, assist in minor procedures, and deliver patient instructions. We may also perform administrative tasks. CMAs usually wear scrubs, we are medical professionals. We operate under the authority and license of the doctor we with with, can not diagnose or offer a plan of treatment of our own.
          You should address your concern to the doctor; the MA may have been performing tasks he was asked to do, in which case the doctor can reassure you the tests ordered were correct, or let you know the MA acted without his approval.

          1. Nina*

            Another CMA here and I agree with all this. It sounds like this just went off badly, but I’m wondering if the doctor actually prescribed these treatments and meds and the MA just didn’t say so. I would talk to the doctor and let them know your concerns. Physician’s assistants can diagnose and prescribe, MAs do not.

          2. Burn After Reading*

            Going to the practice manager makes sense, then, but just to reiterate: he’s an executive assistant, with no medical training. I have great respect for medical and physician’s assistants, but his role is described as solely processing billing.

            1. fposte*

              That’s just weird. I also wonder if there’s some issues with his using the term “medical assistant” in his signature if he isn’t a CMA or RMA.

              1. Burn After Reading*

                Yeah, my best guess (or at least the one that’s kindest to the doctor) is that he’s someone who would like to go into medicine and the doctor allows him to sit in on patient visits if the patient is OK with that– which the assistant has run wild with and now doesn’t ask, but prescribes additional tests based on something he saw in some similar-but-not-the-same appointment. His asking another doctor’s office to give me a referral to the ER, though, makes me think he really, really doesn’t know how these things work, and has ended up in over his head, one way or another.

  53. Trixie*

    Similar to Kat further upthread, my week ended with a fender bender. Just got this car two months ago :(
    Car behind me did a number of my bumper and both my air bags deployed. My insurance company is filing claim with insurance company of driver (we’ll call her Rebecca) who was beside herself. All over the police, saying it was her fault. Now I have to wait for her insurance folks to look at damage on my car and determine what they’ll pay. (Plus rental car?) Granted this car was 2014 but only had 33K and was in MINT condition.
    Here’s my question. I put down a good size down payment but majority is still financed. I was planning to put down two sizable payments to pay off as quickly as possible before this happened. Wondering if I should still pay off as much as I can now. Not sure if this is question for my financial or car insurance folks.

    1. Trixie*

      and after speaking with Rebecca’s insurance company, deployed airbags are a bad sign towards totaling out value of the car versus repairing. Fingers crossed the cash value is estimated high enough to salvage this very bad, no good event. Am I seriously going to have to shop for a new car again?

      1. SophieChotek*

        Ugh! I am sorry!
        I had no idea that deployed airbags can lean towards totaling a car.
        glad you have a police report for proof. (Yes I would say her insurance should pay rental also.)

    2. moql*

      I don’t actually know the details, but in some states there is a way you can petition your insurance company to repay you the cost of “lost value” to your car. This should be beyond just fixing it to make it right, since its now been in an accident and is worth less on resale. Check out r/personalfinance for more info; that’s where I learned about it.

    3. Enough*

      Just keep paying the loan and wait for the payout to see where you stand. Insurance should pay 100% of cost to fix car or the value of the vehicle which ever is lower.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, this.
        In the end, you will pay off the car no matter what.
        If they total the vehicle out then you will have to pay off the loan out of the proceeds. (This is where they give you the value of the vehicle.)
        If they repair the vehicle then you will still have use of it and will still be making payments on it.
        Stand pat, pay the amount owed in the loan agreement and wait for everything to settle.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          ugh.
          I was trying to say make your monthly payment as you agreed to in your loan agreement. I hope that makes more sense now.

  54. Tee*

    I’ve come to the realization that at 29, I really have no “friends”. Now let me qualify this, my best friend moved abroad about 8 years ago and we are still close. And I have coworkers who I can consider, in one way or another, “friends.” But I just have no friends to DO things with on the weekend or just to DO something with. I’ve become a very solitary person and I actually hate it! I feel very self-conscious about my lack of “real life” friends and it even makes me feel self-conscious when I date (who wants to date someone with no friends, I wonder?).

    I know it’s hard to make friends at this age, but it can’t be impossible? Or is it? I want to start putting the effort in to make new friends, but I just don’t know how!!

    I also entered grad school last fall and I thought I would make friends from it, but meh… there aren’t really many people in the program who I’d want to be friends with (ugh am I being too picky?? we just have nothing in common)

    Anyway, has anyone here actually managed to make good, new friends around 30? Is it hopeless?

    1. Tee*

      I guess I should also ask, what did you DO to make your new friends? I know there’s Meetup, but I dunno. I don’t feel like it’s for me.

      1. fposte*

        I confess I’ve never done Meetup, which has a fairly low profile in my town, but I think organized meetings of some kind are your best bet. So I think the question is which feels worse to you: waiting longer to have friends or going to a Meetup group? Either answer is okay; I just think it can be useful to be clear to yourself whether your reservations about change in one area are interfering with your desire for change in another.

        (I made my best friends for the last 20 years when I was over 30, btw, so it’s definitely possible.)

      2. Reba*

        I know what you mean about Meetup, but the thing is that every individual group on there is just that, its own thing.

        I’ve done meetups that are somewhat adjacent to my interests just to have people in my area to chat with. Some were impressively well organized, others the people were super nice, another was basically just for information gathering about places to hike. :)

      3. Inopportune Moose*

        I’m somewhat in your shoes: 27 and, for various reasons, had only one close friend in the city I live in this spring… who announced that she wanted to move. So I started panicking a bit.

        The thing that I’ve found works best is 1) anything that might pull the same people together again and again– so, meetups and classes for sure, but also if a local bookstore has an author night once a month or so, you’ll start seeing familiar faces. I go to my local alumni group, too– because that one follows 2), anything with alcohol but without the pressure to get more than tipsy.

    2. heckofabecca*

      The thing I do that generates the most new friends for me is swing dancing—if there’s a community near you, it’s worth looking into! Other social dancing (folk dancing, blues, contra, etc) generates similar vibes, I’d wager. And swing dancing is a ton of fun—it’s really a happy thing for me.

      Good luck :)

    3. Reba*

      Not hopeless, but widely acknowledged to be hard.

      There have been other threads on this topic on recent Free-for-alls, so maybe have a poke around in the archives for those.

      One common thread of advice seems to be to join things, start showing up someplace regularly.

      Another is to be direct that you’re looking to make friends. It doesn’t go without saying! But so many people are in your same boat. I know that I have found it really refreshing lately when I met someone through a mutual whatever and they simply said, “Can I get your contact info? We are trying to make more friends in the area and it would be great to do [thing we were chatting about] together.”

      Solidarity, Tee.

      1. Reba*

        to add, I mean you don’t have to just naturally blossom into friendship or whatever. It’s ok to think about, and say, “here is what I’m looking for.” Good luck!

    4. Betsy*

      I don’t have many real-life friends and I feel self-conscious about it when dating too.

      I found roller-derby was good, or I guess other social sports like joining a netball team (not something like a dance or yoga class– people always tell me to take classes to make friends and I think that’s a very silly suggestion as it’s not like I’m going to make friends if the interaction is limited to only five minutes of polite chat before class starts).

      Activism or volunteering can be great. This was the way I made most, or actually almost all of my current friends. I made heaps of friends through activism. I’ve made friends through online dating, even though I know that’s not it’s main purpose. I’m sure meet-up groups would be pretty much the same as meeting people through online dating.

      I made a bunch of new friends at around 30, as I had a major break-up 18 months after moving to a new city, so really had to kickstart friendmaking. It worked pretty successfully, although the problem is that some of those friendships drifted away or moved overseas, so I’m now in a place where I’ll really need to put some effort into making some more friends.

      I find that if you engage often enough (in a non-creepy way) with friends of friends on Facebook, sometimes you can build up a rapport with them and they become friends or good acquaintances, or at least that happens to me sometimes.

      If you don’t live with others, living in a sharehouse can be an amazing source of new friends, although you never know which ones will stick, so it’s best to live with three-to-five people because there’s a limited chance in my experience, of finding a great friend if you live with one other person. I’ve made some great friends living in sharehouses.

    5. GriefBacon*

      *Accidentally posted this below*

      It’s not hopeless! I moved to a new city/state at 30 and managed to make really wonderful friends (after mostly not having many/any real life friends for about 4 years).

      Admittedly, I met basically all of my friends at work, though I don’t actually work with any of them at the moment. I also live in a city where a lot of people in their late 20’s/early 30’s are single without kids, enjoy a similar set of hobbies, and have pretty similar backgrounds to me. In other words, I have a lot in common with a lot of people in my city. That helps a lot.

      Does your graduate school have any student groups, outside of your specific program? Or are there any local organizations that you’d like to support/could volunteer at? If Meetup isn’t your thing (it isn’t mine either), how do you feel about facebook groups? I’ve met some friends in local “chapters” of facebook groups for different hobbies/interests.

  55. Gina Linetti*

    Does anyone here have expertise in tenants’ rights law in the state of California?

    It’s a long, convoluted story, but my landlord and I have had a disagreement, and he’s made it clear that he wants me gone. He has no legal grounds to evict me, but I have a feeling he may try to force me out by raising my rent or some other unethical means.

    I’m scared, and wondering what my options are. If anyone here can help, I would really appreciate it!

    1. Wendy Darling*

      I don’t know about California specifically but where I live a lot of tenant’s rights stuff is done on the city and/or county level, so you might look at local government websites and see if they have any guidance. You may also have a local tenant’s union or something that can help.

    2. CAA*

      Some questions:
      Do you have a term lease that is currently in force (i.e. has not reverted to a month-to-month tenancy)?
      Do you live in a rent controlled city? (San Francisco, L.A, San Jose… there are a few others, google it if you don’t know)

      If you are a month-to-month tenant and aren’t under rent control, then the landlord has all the usual rights over his own property. He can raise your rent any time or he can just tell you he’s terminating the tenancy and you have to move. He has to give you 30 days notice for up to a 10% increase or 60 days for greater than 10% or to end the tenancy. If this is your situation, then you really just need to start planning to move. You don’t have an option to stay in a property that you don’t own and for which the landlord has given you a properly timed notice to vacate.

      If you do have a lease or live in a rent controlled area, or if you are a member of a protected class and think that he’s discriminating against you because of that, you should google for “tenant rights” and your city name. Look for a local Tenants Rights Center or something like that where you can go and talk to a person and explain the entire situation and get some help.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      This is from the California Courts website:
      In California, a landlord may be able to evict a tenant if the tenant:
      * Fails to pay the rent on time;
      * Breaks the lease or rental agreement and will not fix the problem (like keeping your cat when pets are not allowed);
      * Damages the property bringing down the value (commits “waste”);
      * Becomes a serious nuisance by disturbing other tenants and neighbors even after being asked to stop; or
      * Uses the property to do something illegal.

      In most cities, the landlord can also evict the tenant:
      * If the tenant stays after the lease is up, or
      * If the landlord cancels the rental agreement by giving proper notice.
      If your city has rent control, these 2 reasons may not be good enough to evict a tenant. Contact your local city or county government office to find out if you live in a rent-controlled area. Or talk to your self-help center, or a lawyer for help.

      A landlord cannot evict a tenant for an illegal reason like discrimination or to get back at the tenant for taking action against the landlord, like filing a complaint because the property’s heating system is broken.

    5. Anon for This*

      You can only be evicted for cause, such as failing to pay rent, breaking rules, or causing damages. You should be extremely punctilious with paying rent, following every rule, etc. I would interact primarily via certified mail.

      However, in most places he can refuse to renew your lease as long as it isn’t for a discriminatory reason (though CA may have other rules as it regulates a lot of things other states don’t).

      Honestly, if the landlord really wants you gone, you’re likely to be SOL as soon as your lease is up. To be totally honest, you might try negotiating with the landlord directly, though, if you have a long-term lease. If a landlord wants a tenant gone but they have a long-term lease (e.g. multiple months to go), it’s not unusual for a landlord to be willing to negotiate a modest cash settlement to have a tenant agree to leave, as evictions are expensive.

      1. Dan*

        In CA, it’s very important to know if you live in a rent controlled property. That changes things bigly.

    6. Dan*

      Can you please tell us if you are in a rent controlled property? That will make a huge difference…

      BTW, it’s not enough to know if the city is rent controlled. Many properties are exempted.

      2. Hellanon*

        In the city of Los Angeles rent control covers apartment buildings built before 1978 unless they we classified as luxury buildings at that time. We can’t evict our tenants except for egregious stuff like failing to pay rent, breaking their rental agreements in certain ways, or committing illegal activities. Also, how much we can raise the rent is strictly limited. Lots of cities here do not have rent control, though, which means landlords can refuse to renew at the end of a lease. Raising rents, though, is not illegal if a city does not have rent control or if an individual building is not covered by those regulations.

        1. Dan*

          BTW, I think the legal term is “multi unit dwelling”, which covers duplexes but not single family homes.

  56. Wendy Darling*

    This week I found out that there is in fact back pain so severe they’ll send you to the ER for it. I do not recommend finding that out the hard way.

    On the plus side I’m feeling WORLDS better now!

    1. fposte*

      Back pain is one of those things where severity can indicate that something very bad is happening–or just that things are going to suck for you for a while. Glad you’re feeling worlds better!

      1. Wendy Darling*

        I think it was like 90% I had a herniated disc and needed pain management and anti-inflammatories, and 10% something had gone catastrophically wrong with my spine and if they didn’t act rapidly I could have permanent nerve damage. I was like an 8/10 on the pain scale at 10pm so I called the consulting nurse line and they told me to go to the ER. (A plug for consulting nurse lines — they are my fav for when I’m not sure if I need to be seen or how urgently.)

        I probably just blasted through my entire insurance deductible in one night, but at least I did it in March and now I can go to doctors with wild abandon for the next 8.5 months.

    3. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

      Yes. I had my first ever Lumbago episode last year. Not fun at all.

  57. HannahS*

    Recommend me some kind of massage tool! What kinds of tools do you use for back pain (upper and lower), or for muscle pain in general? I get both trigger-point-style pain as well as regular sore muscles, and then also sometimes various muscles in my legs get tight and hard. In googling for massagers, I’m mostly coming across “personal massagers” that are clearly for another purpose! The Theracane looks either horrific or potentially useful, I can’t decide. What about those roller things, anyone found them useful?

    1. fposte*

      I have a Theracane but hardly ever use it; it’s just too hard to get precision from. I mostly rely on a foam roller and a tennis ball, and I keep my eye out for smaller-than-tennis balls in the toy aisles at the drug store sometimes. I have a black (hardest) and a red (medium) foam roller and mostly just use the red.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I use a foam roller and racquetball. I think the size and firmness of the racquetball is better for between and around shoulder blades (IMO).

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I duct-taped two tennis balls together in kind of a peanut shape and it works well for targeting things like shoulder blades and where my neck meets my shoulder.

    3. Reba*

      Oh I have a thing that looks like a Theracane, but is even knobblier and uglier. It is called a Body Back Buddy, I think? I LOVE IT. I really recommend it! I get the most benefit when I use use a heating pad for half an hour before digging in with the tool, and then some passive stretching and arm swings after.

      I get very hard, resilient knots as well as spasms on parts of my back that are otherwise difficult to massage and/or stretch, so this purple plastic alien shepherd’s crook has been a lifesaver.

      1. Reba*

        I’d also note that wrt to the “trigger point” method, I get best results using longer holds with moderate pressure than <1 minute, full-bore holds.

    4. moql*

      I like my thericane, but is is really only useful for targeting small, specific points. It is excellent for getting good leverage though! I have a peanut that I like quite a bit (like Middle School Teacher above, but they come pre-attatched). If you go that route don’t just lie on it. That’s nice as well, but check out youtube videos on how to move your body to get extra deep. I didn’t like foam rollers as much as I thought I would. Maybe I’m just not coordinated enough to balence?

      2. fposte*

        BTW, nep, I am experimenting with the Pranamat that you mentioned. It’s not creating the total bliss for me that some of the encomiums claim, but it does seem to be mildly helpful with some new nerve back pain. If I were a true scientist, I’d alternate with lying flat on the floor for the same amount of time to see if that result was any different, but my commitment to science hasn’t been that strong.

        1. nep*

          Interesting. Thanks for that. I’ve yet to get one — I’d like to try it out. (I reckon the hype is — well — hype.)

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it at the usual price, but it’s definitely worth a test if you know somebody. I’d let you come over!

            (BTW, it gives the best back scratches *ever*. That may be its best service.)

      3. Windchime*

        Oh man, I got a rumble roller on the recommendation of a friend and it’s so hard and knobby and painful! I got the blue one, but it’s still way too firm for me.

        1. nep*

          It is quite intense, indeed. I can never a lot of weight into it when I use it. A lot of the time I’m against a wall — that’s as intense as I want to get. But I really like the way those knobs isolate and dig in.

    7. Forking Great Username*

      I really like my TENS massager for back pain! Basically involves sticking electrodes to yourself, and then you can pick the setting/intensity. It sounds super weird and weirded me out the first time I used it, but it definitely works for me!

      1. fposte*

        How did you figure out the best way to use it? I have one and I’d like to better use of it. Any tips on placement and settings?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I have a TENS and you do have to experiment to get the idea of what will work for you.

          For me, I had to put the pads on either side of the pain. So it went pad-pain-pad across my back. If I put the pad ON the pain that just made the muscle jumpy and in turn made me jumpy. Not comfy at all. But putting the pads on the sides of the pain was delightful. And it reduced the pain to a bearable or almost ignorable level.

          I have used the pads on my wrists for a carpal tunnel type thing and gotten a lot of relief.

          Sometimes I just use the two pads but once in a while I use all four pads. For example, it’s hard to fit all four pads on a wrist. And four pads on my neck ache was just too much.

          As to settings, I narrowed it down to a choice between steady or jabby. Some knots I want to just jab them, so that would be the setting I would chose. Other muscle pain could not handle the jabby jolts so I would go with a steady pulse on a low intensity. Then I would increase the intensity as I got use to the pads working on the muscle. Sometimes the increases would be during one use and sometimes I had to work my way up over several sessions.
          When I don’t know which, I pick steady or jabby and put it on a low level so I can see how that will work for me. I can switch pulsing rates or increase the intensity incrementally, rather than starting at the high end of the intensity.

          I do a lot with nutrition and I think that helps with the TENS. Hydration also helps. If you are not working with a drink with electrolytes in it, you might find a difference if you add the drink to your routine. Recently I had some muscle problems going on and the doc said, “How’s your veggies?” Well I had not been eating much veggie as I found this pasta made from lentils, I kind of got side tracked. So I increased my veggies and that helped the muscles also. I have also added a collagen powdered drink to my routine and I got a lot of relief over time with that.

          My thinking is that a TENS unit cannot stimulate what is not there. Get water, minerals and vitamins in there along with the pulses from the TENS.

          Having said all that. There are still times where it’s better for me to put the TENS unit away and just get some arnica gel out.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, this is super-helpful, NSNR–thanks. I’ve felt like I just had too many options so this gives me a place to start.

    8. rubyrose*

      My chiropractor recommended getting lacrosse balls and sitting on them. It has done wonders for my lower back and hip pain.

    9. Travelling Circus*

      I use a RumbleRoller and a Knobble (for pressure point pain). I also use a small spiky ball that my physiotherapist gave me.

    10. Mm Hmm*

      My one tip is to try pressure-adding things on soft surfaces as well as hard to figure out what works for you. I use tennis balls, but on the bed because using them on the floor is too much. I know people who use them in the floor in order to get an effect they can get using them on the bed. So experiment both ways.

  58. Caring for a friend*

    A friend’s partner is very suddenly very ill, possibly terminally, and I am struggling as to how to best support her. We are far so we talk mostly via Skype and email. My question is that when we talk, I feel she wants a break from talking about her partner and the disease. However I also feel insensitive not asking, especially if I know they were going to see this doctor or have that test done. Sometimes it seems we communicate better in email/cards but I don’t think either of us wants that to be the sole communication (she often initiates the asking of when we can schedule our next talk).

    1. tangerineRose*

      Carolyn Hax has been asked questions like this, and her response is “Ask your friend if she wants to talk about this or if she wants you to ask about it or if she wants a break from it.” I think the idea is to ask once and then follow the friend’s lead.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Agree 100%. And don’t act as though whatever the illness is will pass. Meaning, if it’s cancer/terminal, don’t go on about the partner “will beat it” and “everything will be OK”. Speaking from experience with my brother, that’s the last thing he wanted to hear, because it wasn’t realistic; we all knew what was going to happen and so did he.

    2. An*

      Ask A Mortician on YouTube has a couple of videos on grief. They’re more targeted on people who experience the loss of a loved one, but I think the advice could be helpful in your situation as well.

    3. Rookie Manager*

      When I went through a serious period of ill health I found it so isolating because in trying to be nice or supportive or not make me feel like I was missing out on stuff they would only talk about me. This was dull and not helpful. Ask your friend if she wants to talk about what’s going on or if she wants to be distracted. The answer may be different every time or you might say “I’ll ask how you both are but not probe your initial answer, however know that if you ever want to talk, rant or cry I am here”.

      I’m really sorry your friend and you are going through this.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My aunt and I supported each other though the loss of our husbands.
      I liked the question, “hey what’s up today?”
      This allowed each of us to talk about whatever. I might talk about hubby or I might talk about making a dump run or other mundane activity.
      Decide to let your friend lead the conversation. So one day she is talking about the broken refrigerator. You have no idea why the fridge is so important right now. Just roll with it. Ask her what is wrong with the fridge and ask her what she thinks her options are. Roll with the topics of conversation.
      What happens next is kind of amazing. We ended up talking about all sorts of stuff, just this hodge-podge of things and it really helped each one of us to get through what we had to go through.

  59. Anon here again*

    Has anyone ever moved and found that it was better/they were happier? I’m in the Midwest, but I feel like I have nothing here except for family and even that is dwindling. (People are busy, have kids to raise, etc.) My social life is non-existent. A fact that never used to bother me until now. I tried to reconnect with a few people and well, they basically want nothing to do with me. I’m okay with that because they weren’t the best of friends, I wasn’t the best either and well it wouldn’t have worked out anyways. Love life is the same status: non-existent.

    So I’ve been applying to places in other states, but I don’t know if I would necessarily be happier there. Another part of me thinks I might just need a vacation and then to come back home and appreciate things.

    Any thoughts?

    1. Turtlewings*

      On the one hand: About 3 years ago I dropped everything and moved from Alabama to Texas for no real reason, and I have never regretted it for a second. I was in a real mire where I was — financially, emotionally, career-wise — and although the move was stressful and the job situation was A Real Problem for a while, I am doing SO much better now. Sometimes a change of scene really is exactly what you need.

      On the other hand: wherever you go, there you are. So figure out exactly what you want this move to accomplish, and whether a change of setting/population will actually contribute to that, or not. For instance, moving didn’t make me any more extroverted, and I still haven’t really made friends here — but I’m okay with that, because I wasn’t really looking for that. You are, and it may be that you just need a different group of people around you. But if it’s yourself and your own reactions that you’re dissatisfied with, moving won’t fix it.

    2. KR*

      I think it’s totally possible to move somewhere else and be happier! I’ve visited Washington state and honestly when I stayed there with my then boyfriend, now husband I fell in love with the place. I had a few days to drive around by myself whenever I visited and I loved the trees and mountains and scenery. I loved the housing and how their grocery stores and roads are layed out. It felt like home. We both live in Southern CA now (both originally from New England) but we plan on moving back to Washington or Oregon in a few years instead of New England. There is a good chance we’ll live there for some time and then move back to New England so that’s an option too – you can take a break and live somewhere else for 5-10 years, then move back if the mood suits you!

    3. GriefBacon*

      Yep! Have done it a couple times, as I tend towards restlessness (and haven’t had much going career-wise until recently). I grew up in the South, and while I love and miss it dearly, I also never *quite* fit. So even when I’ve had a blah job, or few friends, or no dating prospects in my new city, I do feel better because it’s a place that’s much more me. It raises my baseline, so to speak.

      I recommend spending some time really thinking through (perhaps with a professional!) what you think will make you happy. In all likelihood, you’re probably not going to move to a new city and instantly be happy. But if you can identify some of those elements, you might be able to better figure out if a move would help, or if making changes where you are would help.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      Yes. Moved to the West Coast. Was happy. Moved back to the East Coast. Unhappy. Moved back to the West Coast. Much happier again. Even though moving is a real pain / expensive, it isn’t something that can be undone. You can likely move back if it’s horrible.

    5. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’ve lived in 3 regions of the US now and they’re all very different. I can see how you might feel happier in a different culture. Especially since you live in the Midwest. It can be hard to break through the Midwestern social bubbles. Lots of people stay put and keep the same friends from high school and don’t really branch out much socially. If you don’t have an opportunity to meet new people through work or your children then it can feel very isolating. I’d say give it a shot for a few years. You can always move back or move on.

    6. Dan*

      I grew up in small town Midwest and went to big east coast city for college. Yeah, I was happier.

      I’m not sure though if you say live in Chicago, that just trading one city for another will make much of a difference.

    7. ainomiaka*

      I am infinitely happier after moving. The climate, the people and the job are all better. That said, I don’t know exactly how to advise you. You say you think maybe you need a break-can you do a vacation? Go to a city you want to live for a week?

    8. Triple Anon*

      List the reasons you want to move. Then see what adjustments you could make locally to accomplish the same things. Moving can be a good reset for your life, but it is expensive and a lot can go wrong. I think it tends to be a positive thing when there’s something to be gained from it. Like a lower cost of living, a better job market, etc. When that isn’t the case, it can still be good. But to save yourself all the money and risk, you could try staying local and making changes there first.

    9. rubyrose*

      Oh yes! Moved from Kansas to Denver without knowing anyone and having visited Denver once. I fit in so much better here.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I moved to California spontaneously (as in, packed two suitcases and sofa-hopped until I found a place) and did not regret it. What I do regret is coming back to Missouri when I decided to go back to school. I wish I’d stayed there.

      Maybe take a vacation to a place you’d like to live and check it out a little bit.

    11. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I moved to the UK to get a degree more or less because I thought it might be fun to live overseas for a while. It didn’t fundamentally change who I am but I got into a completely different social circle and found that the professional culture here suits me better. I also met my husband, but I think that was just sheer luck.

    12. Rocky*

      Absolutely! I moved countries to pursue an interesting job, thought I’d live there a year or two, and fell in love with my new city. I’ve been here 17 years now. Different climate, flora, fauna, people and food largely similar. It’s great!

  60. Anon for today (last week)*

    Had the biopsy. Will have the results in about ten days.
    TMI- it was from what the nurse called my ” lady parts”
    Too, too, too much information. I feel mutilated and am in a lot of pain.
    Taking deep breaths. Taking NSAIDS and trying to stay in today.
    This too shall pass.

    1. Reba*

      Glad you were able to get it in sooner rather than later. Show yourself a little extra loving kindness where you can this weekend.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Internet hugs if you want them! Uncertainty is so hard to live with but try to be kind to yourself and stay calm as much as possible —only because it’s easier on one’s system then getting upset. ( translation: feel your emotions; just try not to go round and round in a frantic circle of stress.)I hope you are able to be around nurturing people and or experiences during the next 10 days.

    3. Kuododi*

      Oh my sweetheart!!! Having sympathy pains for you as we speak!!! I do understand how you are feeling having been through uterine cancer and biopsies in “indelicate” places. ;). You are in my thoughts… Please keep us posted!!!!

    4. Sakura*

      I had a biopsy too this week. It was absolutely traumatic. I’m sorry you went through it. I got my results already – benign. I hope you have just as good luck!

      1. Anonymous Today (Last Week)*

        So here is the thing. I am glad I didn’t google pain after “lady part” biopsy (I wish I could do my childhood over so that I could use clinical terminology but truly I can’t) or I probably wouldn’t have gone through with it. Kuododi, so sorry, thank you for sharing. Good news/bad news- the uterus and all associated parts left 4 years ago. Bad news- tells you what lady parts were dealt with in this round. We can all cringe together. In an indelicate, impatient moment with my husband I said. I get that what you are asking me to do right now doesn’t seem like a big deal. Imagine if someone stabbed an cut 4 pieces out of your penis. That’s how I feel right now. Please get me an icepack.

        It does help not feeling so alone. Sakura, thanks for sharing how you felt and the good news.

        2. Reba*

          As an aside, “I wish I could do my childhood over so that I could use clinical terminology but truly I can’t” made me laugh!

          Hang in Anonymous Today. Really hope the spouse is stepping up especially after that colorful explanation.

  61. LizB*

    Transportation frustrations: my car has been in the shop for a full month now. I brought it into the dealership/service center for a routine thing and the mechanic noticed a very serious problem — like, could-leave-me-stranded-on-the-side-of-the-highway serious, so I can’t really drive it. Unfortunately the part they need to replace is on back order from the factory, so they can’t even give me an ETA on when they’ll have it (I’ve called every week to check in), and I’m getting thoroughly sick of not having a car. They gave me a rental, but it was only free for a week and I couldn’t afford to pay for it for longer. Public transit in my city is okay enough that I can get to and from work, but not good enough that I can easily get to other buildings for meetings or grocery shopping or therapy or whatever. I can use my partner’s car on the weekends (and some weekday evenings), I could use Lyft if I had to, but it all requires so much more brainpower and planning and extra time than if I just had my own car like usual.

    I think I wouldn’t mind it nearly as much if a) I had any kind of ETA from the shop, even an “it’s going to be three more weeks,” or b) if I weren’t still making payments on something I can’t even use. I’m this close to calling Hyundai corporate and being like MAKE YOUR FACTORY GO FASTER, as useless as that would be. I’m trying to stay positive in real life but the situation is really starting to frustrate me.

    1. Reba*

      Yikes, how frustrating. Sorry that’s happening!

      Is there any way you can get the part yourself from a third party manufacturer? Or is this like a warranty situation? You’ve probably already thought of this since it’s been weeks. (WEEKS!) But I’ve had a decent experience ordering parts myself and bringing them to my mechanic.

      1. LizB*

        Unfortunately (well, fortunately, actually, but… you know what I mean lol) the repair is all under warranty. It would be MEGA expensive otherwise, so I’m glad they cover it, but it means I have to go through the dealership.

        1. Reba*

          Since it’s their fault it’s taking so long, I think you should try going up the chain a bit and getting a loaner car for longer. It’s ridiculous!

          1. LizB*

            My next move is definitely going up the chain further, and it sounds like asking for a loaner would be a reasonable thing to do once I get in touch with the next person up. I’m fairly new to car ownership and completely new to having any kind of warranty and working with a dealership, so I don’t have a good gauge of what’s okay to ask for and what’s totally out of the question.

    2. valentine*

      Ask the dealership for a loaner. Call different shops for ETAs, if only to be sure it has to come from the factory/no one can get the part sooner. Another shop may be close enough to safely drive to or having the car back sooner may be worth the tow fee.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Oh I think I would feel a letter to the state attorney general coming on with this one. I dunno if it would help you are all but I think I would feel better after having written it.

      Dear State AG,

      I did not buy this car to keep it in the shop for an indefinite period of time. I did not buy this car so I could make payments on it AND pay for other modes of transportation also. [continues on from there]

    4. Chaordic One*

      Maybe you should investigate having the manufacturer buy your car back under the national “Lemon Laws.” I don’t know a whole lot about them, but if you “google” it you should find something. Many years ago I had a co-worker who had bought a lemon Ford Focus that the company had to buy back. With the money she had from the buyback, she went and bought a used 2-year old Honda Civic that was a very good car that she still has.

      1. Someone else*

        You can’t invoke a lemon law claim due to a part being backordered. Lemon law generally deals with repeated attempts to repair the issue without being able to resolve it. If the car has only been in for one repair and they are simply taking an extremely long time to do the repair it still only counts as one attempt toward the lemon law. If you took the car (and were willing to drive it despite being told it’s unsafe to do so…or I guess…had it towed to a different shop) and the other shop attempts to repair it and can’t, rinse repeat and document like hell, and once you reach the required number of failed attempts you can force the manufacture to buy it back or replace it. California has no set number just “reasonable number of attempts” but most places it is a set number. Lemon law also only applies to cars purchased new. I can’t tell from the original if this car was purchased new vs used but still under warranty. If it were a used car lemon law no longer applies but there may be other avenues one could pursue, depending. But if it’s true that there are just a limited number of the part and it’s backordered, it’s probably backordered everywhere and probably not anything that can be done to speed it up, as frustrating as that is. The GM ignition switch recall for example had those parts backordered for up to six months. But they were giving loaners to people who felt it too unsafe to drive those cars at all. Generally you can make enough of a fuss to insist and most reasonable dealers will make some attempt to accommodate. It’s crappy of them to only provide a rental for a week if they’re keeping the car for longer. When my SO’s car had a safety issue repair that ended up taking 3 weeks instead of the expected 10 days they just had us keep the rental they gave us when we dropped off the car originally. We never even went back until the car was totally repaired and ready for pick up. But that may have just been a good customer service move on their part.

  62. Carmina Burrata*

    I have to send an “I messed up” email. Yes, on the weekend. It’s not good. I was up all night last night. I’m scared to death. Help me get the courage to send it.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      This too shall pass. Better to just send it and get it over with than let it fester longer. Plus it’s always better to be the person who messed up, but owns it and rectifies it, than the person who messed up, but doubles down and denies it. I hope you feel better soon.

      1. Thursday Next*

        MST is absolutely right. Owning up sooner is also better because then you’re the diligent person who caught your own mistake—you were still thinking about it even after it was done.

        Mistakes happen. This one will be behind you eventually.

    2. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I’m sorry you have to send that :( I made a dreadful mistake once and it was ok. I recovered. I hope you’ll be ok too. X

    3. Carmina Burrata*

      Thank you, guys. I sent it. I hope it turns out okay.

      As soon as I hit send, I realized I’m exhausted. It took so much to send the email and own up that it feels “over” on my side, even though my bosses will not have even read it yet. So the worst might be to come, but having sent it, I feel better.

      Maybe I’ll have a nap and then start obsessively checking my email. My brain is imagining a lot of “don’t bother coming in on Monday” responses. But my brain also hasn’t slept in a while.

      1. valentine*

        To reasonable people, you’ll look good by seeing/reporting your own error. If you haven’t already, you can also say how you’ll avoid repeating it.

      2. Carmina Burrata*

        Heard back: You clearly feel awful, and it’s definitely bad, but it’s not the end of the world. Give us more of the information we need to fix it. We can talk on Monday. We could have been clearer on our side too.

        I feel somewhat relieved but now I’m even more mad at myself. It was such a careless, arrogant mistake. I went from feeling terrified, to numb and fatalistic, to now just really down on myself.

        Thank goodness it’s the weekend so I have another day to try to get my self flagellation over with and try to go into a mode of “I will dedicate the next several months to proving myself.”

        I’m glad I didn’t try to hide it though. I was freaked out enough that I really considered it.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I am so relieved for you. I understand the self-flagellation impulse but to me that says you’re a diligent person who takes their work seriously. Everyone makes mistakes, it sounds like your work is being very understanding about it, so this is a good result. It would have been so much worse if you had hidden it.

          1. Carmina Burrata*

            That is incredibly kind – thank you, for real. You helped a freaking-out stranger.

        2. SophieChotek*

          So relieved for you! It sounds like they are being reasonable. Hope meeting on Monday goes well.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      How to fix an error.

      1) Admit to the error and apologize.

      2) If possible participate in the clean up of the error. If it’s not possible to fully participate make it known that you are willing to help in anyway possible.

      3) Explain plan that you have developed so that this particular mistake does not happen again.

      4) Chin up and go about doing a damn good job. This requires bravery. Fake it. Fake being brave until it finally dawns on you that the world indeed did not end. Vow to have more open lines of communication with your boss in some manner. I am not sure what that would look like in your setting and you may need time to consider what that would look like for you.

      Personally, I read news headlines of people who lost their jobs in a spectacular manner. It reminds me that my situation could be worse.

  63. Triple Anon*

    There’s been some talk of spirituality and beliefs in recent open threads. I’m trying to find a good path, and the right words to describe myself. I’m open to in-put.

    I grew up in one of the more widely practised Christian denominations. My family was very involved and I had to go along with it. I was very involved as well. And there is a lot that I like about Christianity. I like the core beliefs that we’re all equal and should treat each other kindly. I enjoy the spiritual side of it. But I’m not comfortable standing in church and saying that I believe this religion is the only way. That’s a core part of Christianity, but I believe that belief systems are valid – other religions, atheism, etc. I think it’s good that people believe different things. I’m also not comfortable having a rigid set of beliefs and having to state them once a week along with other people. My beliefs are constantly changing, and it’s a personal thing. But I like coming together with other people to worship. And I enjoy the ceremonies and traditions, even if I’m thinking critical thoughts about them.

    What should I do? I’m looking for a spiritual community that doesn’t hold its beliefs up as superior to those of others, doesn’t place a lot of emphasis on any kind of demographics (the gender emphasis can be too much for me in some traditions), and supports questioning your beliefs and letting them change over time . . . But also has nice ceremonies that celebrate, you know, people coming together to hope for a better future and pray if they choose to, etc. All that good stuff.

    Also, I want to emphasize that this post is about my own personal beliefs. If you’re reading this, I respect your beliefs, whatever they are.

    1. Carmina Burrata*

      Have you tried the Unitarians? I don’t know a lot about them, but I think they are exactly what you are looking for.

      1. FD*

        +1 Most Unitarians I’ve met are ‘Christian-flavored’ but one of the important tenants is “A free and responsible search for truth and meaning” and they seem to draw influences from multiple religions. Most Unitarians congregations I’ve interacted with seem to be interested in social change, and seem more likely to be welcoming to LBGTQA folks and to encourage feminist thought.

        1. Reba*

          The few UU congregations I’ve had experience with actively encourage people of different beliefs to participate, even agnostics and atheists. Memorably, a church I visited had an atheist assistant pastor! And all seem to have a current of working for justice, which I respect.

      2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I was going to suggest UU as well. The church I used to go to was very, very open to multiple faiths and none, but still had services where a speaker would talk about an issue, everyone would sing songs together, etc. Most of the people I hung out with there were either atheists or wiccans, in fact.

    2. Turtlewings*

      My best friend is Wiccan, so I’ve researched that a little, and I think it sounds right up your alley in a lot of ways. Wicca is very much about figuring out the path that works for you, all paths have their own truth, live and let live, grow and change, etc. It’s very specifically against evangelizing or presenting itself as superior to other religions. As far as “gender emphasis” it tends to have a very feminist bent and emphasis on the Goddess (in whatever aspect), but men are also welcome. And while in the South (where my friend lives) it can be hard to find other Wiccans to worship with, the tradition definitely includes a lot of different ceremonies and celebrations, mostly centered on nature and the progress of the year (harvest, winter, spring, etc.). You wouldn’t have to 100% turn your back on Christianity, either — Wiccans believe all gods are aspects of one divine force, and Christian aspects are as valid as any other.

      (Apologies to any Wiccans out there if I’ve gotten anything wrong, I’m Christian myself.)

    3. Turtlewings*

      Hmm, I wrote a long reply that seems to have vanished, perhaps into moderation. I hope it appears eventually. But, to summarize: look into Wicca.

    4. Totally Minnie*

      You don’t mention which variety of Christianity you spring from, but if it’s the more evangelical branch you can check out the exvangelical hashtag on twitter. There are a lot of people who were raised in similar circumstances who are trying to figure out what to do next, and finding some community might help you make your plans.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Yes, this is also a great resource. I was never evangelical, but the things I have learned from following that hashtag are fascinating, heartbreaking, and encouraging all at once.

    5. Earthwalker*

      Christ Unity (not the same thing as Unitarian) doesn’t claim to be the only right way and is more open minded than many Christian groups. On the downside, it’s a small organization and many towns don’t have a Unity presence.

    6. GriefBacon*

      Your story sounds pretty similar to mine!

      I would definitely suggest looking into Unitarians. If you’re looking for something with a little more ritual, UCC or *some* Episcopalian churches might be a good fit. (Episcopal congregations can run the gamut, so you’ll probably want to do a little research first). Those are definitely going to be more Christianity focused than Unitarians, while still being pretty open.

    7. Grad Student*

      I’m on my phone and lack the patience to type a long reply at the moment, but I’ve recently started practicing Nichiren Buddhism and it hits a lot of the things you mentioned (though maybe not all). No particular belief in any god(s), affirmation that the religion is for all people (genders/races/classes/nationalities/etc–although organizationally one belongs to either a women’s or men’s division, though we all meet and practice together, and I have yet to ask how non-binary people fit into that), community and ceremony to hope & work for a better world and happiness for all.

      All this said I also second (fifth?) all the Unitarian recommendations above!

    8. KatieKate*

      Would you be comfortable talking to a rabbi? A huuuuge part of Judaism is questioning everything, especially the beliefs.

  64. Anonymous Ampersand*

    I already posted, but…

    I just bought 3 GB of data for my phone and burned through about half of it stupidly fast. I usually try to be pretty zen about stupid mistakes like this but this one has really got to me. When I left my ex I thought I was only moving out of my flat for a couple of weeks. When I moved here two weeks later I thought it would be for two months at the most. I’ve been here four months now and I still don’t have a date for moving, although it should only be a couple of weeks now. Stupid mortgage advisor. I can manage without WiFi for a while but I just want to be able to update my phone and use my laptop without worrying about it. I want to be able to apply for another job without having to buy another GB of data to do the application online. I also really miss Nice Y today – I haven’t missed him at all since I left, mainly because I speak to him nearly every day because of Small Child, but earlier we spoke and I just really miss who I thought he was. I know I’ve done the right thing but I’m really sad.

    Also, it is stupidly cold, windy and hailing/snowing here, and I have put on three stone in four years since I stopped running and CANNOT STOP EATING and if I don’t I will soon end up moving from overweight to obese. And my blood pressure is playing up which helps nothing.

    OK I’m done ranting. I’m sorry. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks/sorry.

    2. valentine*

      Would it save you money to switch to Wi-Fi only/no cable, pay-as-you-go/no data phone plan, and email instead of calls/texts where possible? Would an end date of third paycheck in new job soften any resulting hardship?

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        The only internet I have at home is either a) my phone or b) a dongle that I can plug into my laptop. I haven’t been able to top up the dongle because the system has been down for a few days. I’m not paying for any TV services or internet service at the temporary home.

        My phone contract includes 5gb of data for £9/month which is far more than I’ll need when I’m back home and extremely cheap, but add on packages if you go over are expensive.

        I think I’m actually not going to bother with a TV when I get back home.

        1. Aurora Leigh*

          My public library just added mobile hotspots for checkout. Maybe yours does the same?

          Best of luck with everything!

          1. Anonymous Ampersand*

            Yeah I use data hotspots when I’m out and about but they don’t cover everything unfortunately.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Take it easy on you, AA.

      Lots of things go into eating. Did you know that if we do not get enough sleep we raise our chances of overeating?
      Hydration. Thirst often masquerades as hunger. Not all the time and not every day but once in a while toss back a glass of water before you graze, wait 10 minutes and see if you still want to graze.
      Swap out some whole foods for some of the snacky junk. Keep fresh fruit around. My go to is watermelon in season, that is like candy for me. I will always be a grazer to some degree, so when I get groceries I get something I can graze on, too. This means I don’t run out and buy cookies in the middle of the week. Build a plan for what you will snack on. (People try to cut out snacks entirely. I don’t really see this as a sustainable plan. It’s pretty normal to want a snack during the day.)

      Kind Y. Very seldom is a person all bad or all good. You made a vowed to cherish him in return for his vow to cherish you. He stopped cherishing in an epic way. Life is a movie not a snap shot. If we look at snap shots we are going to feel our hearts sink. It’s important to keep the rest of the movie in mind. In the end, you were sincere and you will always have that to hold on to that you acted and lived in a sincere manner.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        My main problem is that I eat chocolate and pastries and cookies when I’m sad. And then I still feel sad but also feel bad about myself. And yes, lack of sleep is so much of a problem. Small Child is having sleep issues at the mo and that is making the situation so much worse.

        It’s true though, I don’t drink as much water as I should. I will make an effort this week and see how it goes.

        “In the end, you were sincere and you will always have that to hold on to that you acted and lived in a sincere manner.”
        Thank you. I’m crying. I never stopped trying and I never stopped loving him until after the day I realised I had to leave. I tried so many times to get him to understand how bad he made me feel. He never understood. He never stopped being mean. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realise that i didn’t deserve the mean comments. All the little stuff chipped away at me for so long.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          You know, this knowledge should be downloaded and installed in us at birth.
          But it’s not.
          I always say that we each have our own definition of love and what love looks like. And we live our lives in alignment with that definition of love. I have had to change my definition because the one I was using allowed me to get hurt or used all too often.

          I had this poem on my fridge for over a decade. I looked at it and read it through each time I encountered a new type of difficulty. The poem amazed me in that each time I read it I found something I did not notice before.
          I gave it to a friend who was having many family difficulties. I did not say too much. Gradually I noticed my friend having different responses to the same old problems. She’s not out of the woods, but she changed enough so that others had to change what they were doing, too.

          I guess AA uses it a lot. While I quit drinking in my early 20s, I still came from a drinking home and I had fallen into that mindset. Those were the life skills I learned and I had to learn new ones.

          Here’s the link:
          http://www.inspirationpeak.com/cgi-bin/poetry.cgi?record=77

          1. Anonymous Ampersand*

            Thank you as ever NSNR.

            You are the wisest friend I have that I’m unlikely to ever meet (or even know the name of!).

            1. Not So NewReader*

              ;)

              We are all works in progress, AA.
              Currently my definition of love is that it has a tail and four legs. Love eats my rugs, furniture and other random household items. You can see, I have a ways to go yet myself.

        3. Belle di Vedremo*

          Please remember, too, that you nonetheless had the strength and the courage to act. You have chosen to give yourself and Small Child a better future. It is inspiring to hear how you and others have stepped forward into new lives in spite of it all. I hope you and others recognize the gifts you have given this community in talking about this here.

          1. Anonymous Ampersand*

            Thank you <3
            One of my friends has told me since I left that she's in an abusive relationship and that, having left my own husband, I'm her hero. I don't feel like a hero….. however I'm glad that my actions have made her feel that leaving might one day be possible.

            I never could have left without support. The support here is a huge part of that – I couldn't have believed I deserved the local support I got if you all hadn't helped me first.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              For anyone who is reading along and not commenting, everyone is worthy of support in times of trouble. Everyone. If your peeps are not supporting you, reach out to other people. Go slowly and deliberately chose people whose opinions you respect. There’s a lot of awesome people out there who will understand and will help.

    4. Wendy Darling*

      One time I bought international roaming data from my carrier while on a business trip at MASSIVE EXPENSE, then forgot to turn off data on my phone overnight and forgot I had turned on app updates over cellular data (because I have way more than enough data at home). So I woke up in the morning to the realization that I had used $60 worth of data in 2 hours doing unnecessary app updates while I was asleep.

      So yeah, high five for silly data usage mistakes. They suuuuuck.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Thank you! So glad to know it’s not just me. I’m still annoyed with myself but far less so today.

  65. My name is anon*

    Does anyone else struggle with their weight. I’d be interested in hearing from others. As a child I was thin and had a beanpole body type. When I went to college I gained the freshman 15 (times 2) and it went downhill from there. I would be classified as obese now. I’ve tried every diet under the sun, seeing nutritionists and weight loss doctors, diet pills and gyms and personal trainers. Last times I was weighed I was 27 stone and I know I’m bigger now. I’m sick of being obese but it seems like nothing I try works. I have tried therapy and nothing clicked. Has anyone else struggle with their weight and trying to lose weight? I know thin doesn’t equal health necessarily but I am tired of being this overweight.

    1. nep*

      You *can* get to a point where you feel healthier and better about your weight.
      Have you gotten blood work done — thyroid and the like?
      Just a couple things to throw out there — some factors other than food intake and exercise that can affect weight: How’s your sleep? What are your stress levels like?

    2. Not That Jane*

      Yep. It’s hard. I used to be a fairly healthy weight, then gained a ton while pregnant and just… never lost it. (The little is about to be 2.)

      I naively thought that breastfeeding was supposed to just burn it off, I exercise and eat pretty healthily (although probably more quantity-wise than I need). But no.

      Another aspect that makes it complicated is we’re now trying for another kid, so now isn’t really the time for a multiple-month intensive weight-loss campaign on my part. But, I will say, after my miscarriage last fall, I determined to use the waiting period before trying again to work on getting in better shape, and I definitely was able to do that. Working out 4x weekly, eating more salad and less sugar. It helped on how I FELT, for sure, but I deliberately didn’t want to know the number on the scale. It just sends me to a really bad, frustrated, helpless place to know that I spent 3 months exercising my brains out and didn’t lose more than a few pounds. So now I just try to go by how I feel.

      Hang in there! I’ve definitely found encouragement on this site before :)

    3. Combinatorialist*

      Recently I have been trying Noom and what I really like about it is that it really digs into the psychology and sociology of food to help determine what makes losing weight hard for you and how to counter that. And you are automatically added to a support group that is at a similar point of the weight-loss journey. I’m still working on it, for sure, but so far, I really feel like I am starting to think about food differently.

    4. Book Lover*

      I was healthy weight (but rounded healthy) until mid to late teens, then gained a lot and lost some in my mid-twenties. Now I hang out at the border of overweight and obese. I am perfectly aware of the things I could do to lose weight (I just love pasta and snacks) and just don’t do them. I do keep an eye on the scales and start being more careful (and irritable) when the numbers go up and focus on getting back to my ‘ok, I can fit in my clothes’ weight. So for me it is recognizing that I can’t eat what I want and be at a weight that lets me fit into a size whatever. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with me – my weight doesn’t magically go up and down, it is related to what I eat.

      I think the question for you is whether you look at your life and understand why you weigh what you do or if it is just a mystery – whether you lose weight with diet and then gain it back or whether your weight doesn’t change at all or whether you struggle from the start to keep to a diet or exercise program (btw, I have never lost weight with exercise, though it helps my weight not go up, and I feel this is relatively universal unless you go all out).

      I do think there are people who just have a really slow metabolism and have to work so much harder than others. It is also true that some people have thyroid disease and cushing’s though really few people with obesity have a simple fixable issue. It is always worth looking at the possibility of sleep apnea, which makes it harder to lose weight, poor sleep in general, stress, though.
      And bariatric surgery works better than anything else we know of and has been an amazing gift to some people I know, though it is not the right choice for everyone.

      Sorry, I think I am waffling on without getting anywhere…. But of course you are not alone, so many people struggle with this around the world. I am so sorry.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I think I was born a size 13 and I only went up from there. In high school I was a 24 and back then everyone else looked like pencils.
      It took me almost 20 years to get the weight off. What finally clinched it was when I decided I wanted a better quality of life and better health. I stopped focusing on wanting to look like other women and started focusing on feeling good. I looked at each food and asked, “And how will YOU help ME?”

      I will always wrestle with weight for more than one reason. But I know that my weight can go out of control easily so I rope it in quicker when I start to slide. Two years ago, my 12s were getting tight. Not a big deal EXCEPT for the fact that I have no brakes unless I put my foot down with myself. Happily I have worked back down to where 10s are a comfy fit.

      So many things that had nothing to do with food blocked my weight loss. As nep mentions, rest, stress and so on. I was starving for vitamins and minerals, oddly that starvation caused me to gain lots of weight as I impulsively ate whatever. I was having lots of reactions to various cleaners and stuff, I had to swap those around. And I had to think about what was missing from life that I was trying to use food to fill. This meant trying new-to-me things and pushing/challenging myself. I tried to chose wisely and I only tweaked one thing at a time so I could see if i was getting worthwhile results.

    6. Nina*

      (raises hand)
      I did pretty well growing up, until I went to college and discovered this awesome thing they call “dessert.” My parents never allowed it at home, so of course I went nuts on sweets, and skipped going to the gym.

      This was years ago. Right now, I’m not severely overweight, but I’m not happy where I am, either. One of my more embarrassing moments was when I was getting fitted for a bra and the saleswoman asked me if I’d had kids, since my boobs were so big and I had the “mom belly.” No, no kids. Just lazy.

    7. Ron McDon*

      I have been overweight/obese all my life. Around this time last year I just got fed up of the way I looked and felt, and determined to do something about it.

      I had also tried everything, diet wise, but I think what changed this time was my mental mindset- I was really determined that I wanted to change my life.

      I lost 3.5 stone by following an old slimming world book my sis-in-law gave me, and walking a mile to work and back 3 times a week. I can give you more details about what I do, if you like?

      It was really easy, the weight dropped off, but I think the fact I was mentally approaching it differently is what helped – i.e. this was a long term lifestyle change, not a diet or a quick fix.

      I found after about a month or so of not eating crisps, chocolate, cake etc, I really didn’t fancy eating them anymore, or could eat a very small amount and feel satisfied, rather than binge eating more.

      I also used the ‘virtual gastric band’ hypnosis app, after reading great reviews. That seemed to change how I felt about food – if I’ve not used it for a week or so, then listen to it again, I find myself automatically reaching for healthier snacks, drinking more water etc. And it helped me sleep, so win win!

      It’s daunting when you have a lot to lose, but it’s do-able, you just have to believe you can do it. Perhaps look online for other people’s success stories at losing large amounts.

      Good luck!

    8. Abelard*

      I’ve been overweight since around the age of 12 and have been obese for many years. Last year when my weight hit 230 (context: I am 4’11” this means my BMI was 46) I decided enough was enough.

      Honestly, what has worked for me is calorie counting. I use MyFitnessPal to track what I am eating and my total calories for the day. If I do any exercise I don’t track it– a lot of people make the mistake of overestimating how many calories they burn (fitness trackers are actually pretty bad at estimating calories burned according to everything I have read) and overcompensate on consumption, nullifying the benefits. Unless you are in serious athletic training just don’t take exercise into account on your calorie consumption.

      So far I have lost 74 pounds and my BMI is now at 31. I am still obese, but my joints ache less and I don’t get out of breath as quickly.

      I have learned to be patient with myself–it isn’t a race or a competition, I am losing weight for me and me alone and I am okay with a slow pace. I have also learned that it is okay to allow myself to eat irresponsibly once in a while and I don’t have to get mad at myself for “failing”. Generally I don’t count calories on holidays or important occasions. This allows me to have fun and not be self conscious about what I eat and if I build one day a month or less like that into my diet, in the long run its a wash and doesn’t disrupt or discourage me.

      I hope you find what works best for you! Good luck.

    9. Anita-ita*

      I have hypothyroid and am on a dose that basically means my thyroid doesn’t work at all. I have been able to maintain my weight by weighing out my portions, eating clean, making 90% of my meals at home, minimal sugar (including cocktails), and working out 4-5 days a week. I also track my food so I know how much I’m eating. With my thyroid issues I gain weight very easily so if I go off track of my usual lifestyle, it shows up on the scale within 2 weeks.

      I have a lot of friends who ask me how I’ve been able to maintain my weight (for reference, I am 5’4 (162 cm) and 124 lbs (or 8.8 stone?). I am 30 years old. I give them tips, meal plans to follow, as well as work outs. I’ve posted some below for you:

      1) Cook at home. Buy a scale. Weigh out your food. Track it in an app. Don’t go out to eat. Even if you eat healthy while you’re out, you cannot know how much you’re eating or what the restaurant puts in the food to cook it.

      2) Meal example:
      * Breakfast: 3 egg whites + 1 egg + .75 oz cheese
      *Snack: apple with 2 tbs peanut butter
      *Lunch: 4 oz chicken/shrimp/fish + 4 oz brown rice + sweet potato + 3 oz veggies
      *Snack: protein shake with unsweetened coconut milk, spinach, almond butter, protein powder
      *Dinner: same as lunch

      3) Work outs:
      *Day 1: leg day, heavy weights one hour + 20 min cardio
      *Day 2: cardio, 50 minutes
      *Day 3: rest
      *Day 4: back, shoulders, arms heavy weights one hour + 20 min cardio
      *Day 5: leg day, heavy weights one hour
      *Day 6: rest
      *Day 7: cardio, 50 minutes

      3) it takes time to see changes. weeks, months. and this is a lifestyle that you will have to maintain throughout your life to maintain weight.

      4) A lot of people, friends and coworkers, do not want this type of lifestyle because it’s so difficult to maintain, which it is! I rarely go out to eat with friends, therefore my social life is a bit lacking but if it’s important to you, you will make it work.

      5) alcohol – I do drink. I probably have 1 weekday where I have some drinks and 2 weekend days. My usual drinks are red and white wine. I’ll do a vodka with soda while I’m out or bourbon on the rocks. No fancy cocktails with syrup or sodas.

      6) I only drink water, black coffee, and some unsweetened teas during the day.

  66. GriefBacon*

    It’s not hopeless! I moved to a new city/state at 30 and managed to make really wonderful friends (after mostly not having many/any real life friends for about 4 years).

    Admittedly, I met basically all of my friends at work, though I don’t actually work with any of them at the moment. I also live in a city where a lot of people in their late 20’s/early 30’s are single without kids, enjoy a similar set of hobbies, and have pretty similar backgrounds to me. In other words, I have a lot in common with a lot of people in my city. That helps a lot.

    Does your graduate school have any student groups, outside of your specific program? Or are there any local organizations that you’d like to support/could volunteer at? If Meetup isn’t your thing (it isn’t mine either), how do you feel about facebook groups? I’ve met some friends in local “chapters” of facebook groups for different hobbies/interests.

  67. StudentA*

    So, anyone seen anything fantastic on Netflix or Prime lately? Doctor Foster, a British miniseries was really good and it’s on Netflix! It is about infidelity from a woman’s perspective (the victim of infidelity).

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      My best friend and I recently starting watching Cable Girls on Netflix! Very soap opera-y, but very fun and we enjoying snarking at the characters.

      I’m watching Once Upon a Time, because I never got into it before even though it’s right up my alley.

      Boyfriend and I are watching the new season of Jessica Jones. And if you haven’t seen The Tick on Amazon Prime, it’s hilarious!

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Queer Eye!

      The Fab 5 are so positive and focus on mental health in the show. It’s so wonderful to see the men they’re helping being so open and honest with their emotions. My top 3 favs were Tom (I’m hoping he and Abby get remarried, I’m totally invested), AJ (his coming out had been crying like a baby), and Bobby (such a sweet guy who is so kind and gentle and in love with his wife).

      I love, love, love this show.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Yaaaaaaaaaaaaas for Queer Eye. I think I saw on twitter that Tom and Abby were on, then off, and then on again? They were so cute.

        I love all the guys and how much they focus on being a good person who is at ease with himself and being his best self. Plus I loved the episode at the fire station.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          Omg, Karamo was totally crushing on that hot superman firefighter. It was adorable. Plus, Jeremy was super cute as well. It was so nice of him to have the guys redo the fire station rather than his house. I need me a Jeremy.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            I was thinking the same thing! And that fire station was so cool when they finished it.

            Fire fighter Micah. I can totally see why Karamo was crushing on him!

      2. Wendy Darling*

        I would like the Fab 5 to come overhaul my wardrobe and help me choose new glasses.

        I love that they’re not like “omg you need to lose weight/fix your skin issue/totally change yourself in some way and THEN you can be hot” — they help people look fantastic with what they’ve got right now. One of the hard things for me is that I am fat but I don’t think it’s wrong to want to be fat AND look good. Like, I’d like to lose some weight but doing that in a healthy, sustainable way is going to be a looooong process, and I think I should get to look good during it! (Also I have a pretty unusual body shape for a fat chick — I’m very small-busted — so a lot of plus-size fashion stuff is a major no-g0 for me.)

    4. TGIF*

      I’m about to watch The Ritual on Netflix because I’ve heard everyone singing it’s praises. I’ll let you know how it turns out!

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I binged the hell out of Altered Carbon. It took about four episodes for me to get into it–I thought it was a little ridiculous, but somehow I ended up loving it. And yes, it was still a little ridiculous all the way through, but I could not stop!

      1. Jojobean*

        YESSS me too! I immediately got pulled into it and couldn’t stop watching. Somehow it was just ridiculous *enough* without going overboard, and most of it was tongue-in-cheek anyway.

  68. Aurora Leigh*

    What’s your favorite camping gear?

    Boyfriend and I have an assortment of hand me down gear from the early 90s that we want to start slowly replacing. We’re doing a big trip in April and thinking we’ll start with a new tent.

    We’re eyeing the
    MoKo Waterproof Family Camping Tent, Portable 3 Person Outdoor Instant Cabin Tent, 4-Season Double Layer Dome Tent Sun Shelter for Hiking, Backpacking, Trekking, Mountaineering, Beach – Green

    Just the two of us and we’re car camping, not backpacking.

    Do you have a favorite sleeping bag? Preferably a double bag or singles that are compatible for zipping together.

    What do you love for camping? What’s not worth it?

    1. Reba*

      Car camping?

      If so, good sleeping pads. Sleeping bag inner bag-things. Cast iron skillet or dutch oven. Headlamps!

      re: tent, one friend of ours is of the philosophy that as long as the tent is waterproof, get the cheapest possible one, it’s just there to keep the rain off. We did that for awhile…. however, we upgraded to a ~300 list price tent, and it is easier to put together, zippers don’t get stuck, does better in inclement weather, and can actually go back in the *&%^ little bag when done.

        1. Aurora Leigh*

          I thought the phrase was strange the first time I heard it! Because my family always drove up to the campsites!

          But thanks to the internet I now realize how many people apparently backpack for miles and then set up camp!

          Also sleeping bag liners are genius! Thanks for making me Google that.

          I grew up camping, but gearwise we were a “this is cheap at Wal-Mart”, “this is what my parents (grandparents) used”, and it’s amazing what’s out there now!

    2. CAA*

      We have a Big Agnes tent with mtnGLO lights built in. At first I thought the lights might be kind of silly, but they’re just bright enough to see into your pack or play cards without a headlamp, and I ended up loving them. Wirecutter used to recommend Big Agnes, but I see their most recent review is recommending the REI Camp Dome 4, so you might read their article and take a look at that one too. I’m a proponent of spending a little more to get a tent that will last a lot longer.

      For a double sleeping bag, we have Sierra Designs Front Country bed. We have the Duo, which holds two Thermarest pads in sleeves underneath. It holds the pads firmly, so there’s no sliding around; and the zipperless design is very comfortable. They also have a Queen size, which goes on an air mattress, but I think that could get pretty cold since the R-value of air is low.

    3. only acting normal*

      Since it’s car camping, not backpacking… We have a double size ReadyBed, that just about fitted inside our old 3-person tent (the dimensions suggest it would fit in the tent you mentioned). It’s proper luxury camping wise, but would be way to big and heavy to carry. We still have our old sleeping bags, but since getting the readybed we’ve never used them. It does eat up a fair bit of headroom in a small tent though.
      My husband loves having the camping table (folding leg frame, roll-up top), but I’m not that bothered.
      I find a good head torch very useful.

    4. moql*

      Most rei brand sleeping bags zip together if you buy male and female, to give you tons of options.

    5. Lissajous*

      Aussie here, so not sure about availability in the US, but Macpac sleeping bags are fantastic. (I also use a Macpac pack and tent, but that’s for bushwalking. Although if you want to start thinking about that sort of thing, apparent the Macpac Olympus tent has the reputation amongst Tasmanian bushwalkers of never, ever blowing over…)

      (And I go to Icebreaker for all my wool thermal type things for cold nights, skiing, etc. Apparently I trust the Kiwis to keep me warm and dry.)

  69. Nicole76*

    Anyone here move from the Midwest to Arizona? We’ve discussed doing so when we’re retired but I’m getting really sick of the cold weather and not sure I want to wait until then. On the other hand, I’m not sure I can deal with the lack of greenery in the desert either. I enjoyed visiting Arizona but not sure I’d like it full time. I’ve lived in Illinois all my life, however, and am starting to feel like I need a change. I also want a house but the property taxes in this area are very high. Our money would go much further elsewhere.

    1. Loopy*

      I didn’t move from the mid-west but from the east coast- I also missed the greenery a lot. I missed it more than the ocean and more than I expected. That being said, I did get some relief from taking weekend trips to hike places like the mountain in flagstaff (blanking on the name, oy) and hiking certain parts of Mt. Lemmon (it’s not covered in trees by any means but I remember finding a little valley area that had some). It still wasn’t the greenery that I was used to but the mountains were a great option for me. I lived in Tucson, right near the mountains and couldn’t have done someplace like Phoenix.

    2. GriefBacon*

      Arizona is an extremely diverse state in terms of vegetation and climate! Since you mentioned the cold weather, I assume you mean moving to Phoenix or Tucson. But AZ is also home to the largest Ponderosa pine forest in the world!

      (I moved from the South to AZ, a couple times. It’s different, for sure, and takes a little getting used to — but Arizona is absolutely beautiful!)

    3. Book Lover*

      Yes. I don’t miss the Midwest, but would probably prefer to live on the coast. But I work at an amazing place and don’t want to leave.

      The winters are amazing and summers aren’t bad if you enjoy swimming and have covered parking. After fifteen years, I still find myself driving home and feeling like I am on vacation because of the blue skies and palm trees.

      Housing prices are generally excellent, but make sure you get a really good inspection. A lot of houses were thrown up way too fast and without enough attention to the slab/expansile soil under the houses.

      If you have kids, be aware that Arizona is dead last (I don’t believe this has changed?) in terms of teacher salaries. Charter schools are booming but there are still a lot of great public schools despite the lack of support. Politically I hope we see some changes in the next few years that allow for better teacher pay and better safety net in general. It is definitely a purplish state at this point I think (well, more a patchwork of blue and red – if you are in Tempe versus Payson definitely makes a difference).

    4. Close Bracket*

      You don’t have to give up green to move to Arizona! I live in So. AZ. We have olive trees, palo verdes, dwarf poincianas, mesquites, and tons of other leafy things that I don’t know the names of. I know people who have fruit trees in their yards.

      There are loads of succulents that are green, too! I have a lovely aloe garden that covers a good quarter of my front yard with green and draws hummingbirds twice a year when it blooms. I use hearts and flowers as a green ground cover in other parts of the yard.

      If you must have grass, Burmuda grass grows really well here. I know it gets a lot of crap, but if you keep it mowed, it looks pretty nice. You can also meadow your yard, meaning let whatever is going to grow, grow, and keep it mowed so all you see is an even green surface. You will be the only person on your block with a mower, but that’s ok.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I’ve lived in both the Midwest and southern Nevada.

      For me personally while I hate the late winter of the midwest, I also hated the intense bright sun of summers in the desert. It is almost as though you had to treat summer like winter in hiding in air conditioning and you couldn’t go out without a ton of sunscreen on. The brown drove me nuts after a few years, and while the mountains were pretty in their own way, I am more of a water person. I also missed weather – sun all day every day sounds great when its day 15 of March blahs, but after 60 days of non-stop sun with no clouds, that gets pretty tiring too. Ive now ended up near water with PNW style temperature differentials and plenty of cloudy days, which works for me :)

      Take note as well that while the costs may be cheaper, that comes out in the wash somewhere in public services.

    6. Jojobean*

      I did! I moved from the Midwest (grew up in Iowa; was living in Illinois at the time) to Tucson for graduate school for a few years. Tucson was lovely; very laid back and relaxed, low-key, a university town full of a mix of cultural influences. Being a broke student, I didn’t really get to see much of the state beyond of Tucson, unfortunately.

      In general, the state is very conservative politically (except for Tucson). It also has some of the loosest gun control laws in the country so there are a lot of them being worn openly.

      Winters are perfect (be prepared for the temp to swing from 40 degrees F t0 70 F between AM and PM, though) and summers are crazy hot. Sunstroke/heatstroke is a real thing so hats are your friend. It’s a great place for outdoorsy activities if you’re into that and, as others have commented above, deserts are vibrant, thriving habitats full of color.

      Sunsets are incredible — every single night they are postcard-perfect.

      Bad weather is virtually a thing of the past, aside from monsoon season where it pours for an hour and then stops until the next day, and the occasional dust storm. Sometimes I missed the quiet long lazy rainy days of the Midwest and small pleasures like waking up in the morning to the sound of rain. The perfection of the same sunny blue skies every day can wear on you a bit.

      Gila monsters are awesome.

    1. Loopy*

      I have no idea who Brandy Jensen is but loved that! How often does it get updated? I think I’ve become spoiled with AAM’s frequent postings!

  71. Not A Party Girl*

    I’d been planning to go out tonight to see a couple friends perform in a show. But I didn’t realize it was St. Patrick’s Day, none of my other friends are planning on going so I’d be alone in a crowd, and it’s in the heart of the nearby city that sketches me out even during the day, let alone at night on the holiday where everyone drinks.

    I feel bad bailing because I did want to see the show but I’m honestly not up for dealing with the St Patty’s Day crowd and I don’t want to go into the city by myself.

    Maybe I’m being a wimp or over thinking it but I’m going to lay low tonight instead. I don’t like St. Patty’s Day for the same reason I don’t like New Year’s, as a random excuse to drink to much. And I say that with an alcoholic beverage in my hand; it’s not that I’m against all drinking. I just don’t like this holiday mentality to drink themselves blind (the one gathering I was invited to, they advised bringing an overnight bag because they plan for a lot of drinking).

    Anyone else trying to avoid the drinking crowds tonight? I feel a bit lame because I’m a 20-something who stays out of the party scene that I’m skipping my original plan for the night but I’d rather stay home than put myself in a situation that I know I won’t enjoy.

    2. Loopy*

      Me! I always avoid any night where I will be among very drunken people- in person and on the roads. No judgement those those who go forth and enjoy the drinking, but it makes me very anxious.

      Also, I have been the teen and 20 something who stayed out of the party scene. I’ll be 30 in June and looking back I still have zero regrets. I’ve always just made sure to be respectful of those who chose to enjoy it as long as it’s done safely (no driving, etc.).

    3. Gilmore67*

      My husband and I ( both in our 50’s ) cleaned house all day. I said, why don’t we get out for a while?
      So, where too? Bars will be too crowed with St. Pat’s days drinkers. Not interested in any of the movies.

      So, going grocery shopping it is !! Food shopping with my favorite guy ! We are going later as the grocery store is always busy on weekends, but not so much in the evening. And a double plus…. he can reach the stuff I can’t !

      I am going to buy ingredients for making ice cream in my ice cream maker !!

      You are not lame at all !!

    4. nep*

      Oh man do not feel lame about that. There is nothing pleasant about being amid a bunch of people who have more or less gone out of their way to drink too much. I’m considerably older than you but even when I was younger I was happy to spare myself that craziness.

    5. HannahS*

      I’m a non-drinker, so yeah, this is a night for cleaning the kitchen and playing with my sewing machine :) Don’t feel bad. Everyone has different things that they enjoy.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I have avoided drinking crowds for decades. I just do not want to deal with other people’s misbehavior.
      No you are not lame at all. Definitely do not go if you are not comfy.

  72. Rebecca*

    Oh, My, Goodness!!! Why have I never put chocolate milk in my coffee before? Background, housemate’s grandchildren were here, and they left some chocolate milk…and I wanted coffee and didn’t have any half and half or regular milk, so here we are. Wow, does that taste good to me!

    1. StudentA*

      Whoa! Sounds like a gamechanger! I’ve GOT to try this! Mocha is my favorite kind of coffee, so this sounds right up my alley!

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      If you like the chocolatey coffee and want to “adult” it up (if you drink alcohol), adding the Strawberries n Creme Baileys is AMAZING with mocha.

    5. Sylvan*

      Yum.

      My former manager judged me for this until she tried it. I figured out how to trick the office coffee machine into making a mix of coffee and hot chocolate with hazelnut flavoring.

    6. Merci Dee*

      I’ve always loved the peppermint mocha from Starbucks, but it can definitely be an expensive habit. So I add mint-flavored hot chocolate mix to my coffee when I want a fix. Lately, I’ve been expanding into other flavors, as well. Smores has been nice, but salted caramel hot chocolate mix has become my favorite. Yum!

    7. Elizabeth West*

      Ohhhh mah gaw I need to try this. I’ve been trying to cut down on sugar and the creamer stuff (which is about half sugar), and this might be the thing I need.
      Yes, I know chocolate milk has sugar in it, but not as much as adding that nasty corn syrup-infested creamer stuff.

        1. Anono-me*

          It is a nesting fail. I was agreeing with Rebecca on coffee with chocolate milk in the post above.

          But yes, I probably need more coffee.

  74. Can't Sit Still*

    I’ve had ongoing stomach issues, so my doctor had me do all of the labs, and cut out liquid dairy and cheese, citrus, alcohol (not a problem, I only drink 4-5 times a year), and spicy foods. One of the lab results was that my fasting glucose went from 89 to 103 in 11 months, so now I’m officially pre-diabetic. Diabetes doesn’t run in my family at all, even though we have similar body types and obesity, so I’m unlucky, I guess.

    However, it seems that dairy is the culprit for my stomach pains. I had soy in my Americano yesterday and my stomach didn’t hurt at all. I had a bit of brie this morning, and stabbing stomach pains in 10 minutes. Yogurt and kefir have no effect. And now I know what changed. I switched from having an Americano with a splash of cream in the morning to a flat white, so if I have lactose intolerance or a dairy allergy, that would be why my stomach has gotten so much worse in the past few months.

    I am super-grumpy about the dairy. I can’t stand hot soy milk, so that’s out for coffee, and I don’t like sugar in coffee, and if I’m pre-diabetic, I shouldn’t add sugar anyway, so I guess I need to learn to love shots of espresso, straight up. Boo! I guess I can start drinking tea again? Tea doesn’t need cream or sugar to be tasty. But no cheese? What am I going to do without cheese in my life?

    Bonus whine: My StitchFix box arrived today, but it wasn’t my Fix, it was Jessica’s. Sorry, Jessica! The clothes your stylist picked for you are really cute, I hope you like them when/if they arrive. And my ShoeDazzle boots arrived and they are way too small. They are 9.5 and I normally wear 8.

    1. Short & Dumpy*

      I went through the “what do you MEAN I can’t have dairy?!” adjustment a few years ago.

      Everyone with dairy issues seems to react a little differently to it but these are the lessons I’ve learned (mostly the hard way):

      -Soy milk anything is disgusting
      -unflavored & unsweetened almond milk is great in cold applications, but gets a little weird in warm/hot things (except hot cereal…it is GREAT to make maltomeal or oatmeal with instead of water; just don’t add salt). The coconut milk/almond milk blends seem to work a little better in hot recipes (like custards) than straight almond milk
      -the very aged cheeses like Parmesan or high-end brie I can eat because the little critters have broken down the things I react to; fresh mozzarella or cheap cheeses where they artificially develop the texture & flavor are Very Bad Things
      -goats milk I can usually get away with a little fresher cheese like a chevre
      -Siggi’s yogurt is the only one I can safely eat
      -liquid non-dairy creamers are better than things like almond or soy milk. I have a tendency to use the hazelnut Coffemate in my morning coffee these days. Since you don’t like any sweet in your coffee this probably won’t help :(

    2. Juli G.*

      Bummers all around! Have you tried almond milk or coconut milk? There are a lot of alternatives to dairy for milk now.

      Cheese is a super bummer.

    3. neverjaunty*

      You may be able to slowly introduce some kinds of cheese later – aged cheese tends to be more like yogurt and have less lactose (unlike Brie), I believe.

      For coffee, what about unsweetened almond or coconut coffee creamer?

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My doc said because of my immediate reaction to dairy, that meant I was having issues with casein. I thought my issue was lactose. Guess not. Growing up I thought everyone wanted to double over when they drank milk. whoops.

      You might try stevia as a sugar substitute. Some folks like it and some folks don’t. People feel it can help with blood sugar problems.

      I like coconut milk, I use that in my coffee. But I have tried rice milk, almond milk, cashew milk and they were not bad at all.

      I read of a study that showed 95% of diabetics were allergic to milk. My husband had chronic sniffing from nasal drips. He was also a diabetic. He gave up milk and the life long sniffing stopped. Cold hard stop. One person, one story, so YMMV.

    6. Ree*

      I’ve been lactose intolerant now for(holy cow I didn’t realize it had been this long until I started typing this) ten(!time flies I guess!)

      Soy is gross.
      Try almond milk or an almond milk blend, but my best recommendation for swapping a dairy cream for a non dairy cream/milk is cashew milk – it’s thicker/creamier than any other dairy free milk I’ve tried.
      Also, you’ll find that some dairy foods affect you more than others and what effects some doesn’t effect others.
      I can have hard cheeses and milk chocolate, in single serving amounts.
      I CANNOT EVER have milk, wet cheeses(cottage cheese, cream cheese, etc) sour cream or yogurt or any cream based soups.
      YMMV, but it is unfortunately a trial and error thing.
      Oh I also highly recommend the margarine/butter called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter – Vegan” no discernible difference in taste.
      Also Silk makes really good DF yogurt and SO! Coconut or SO! Cashew ice cream are really good too.

      You can do it! The first six months to a year are terrible as you’re learning to read labels and find brands you like and trust but then after awhile it’s no big deal and totally normal.

    7. Can't Sit Still*

      I went to Starbucks this afternoon, while there was no one in the store, and sampled their non-dairy drinks. I liked coconut milk the best, with almond milk coming in second. I will give cashew milk a try, too. I recall liking rice milk before as well. I do like Silk, but it’s the only soy milk I find tolerable.

      Ironically, I have tried, and failed, at veganism a couple of times in the past. I just could not give up cheese, but agonizing pain might work as a motivator. Vegan cheese…isn’t. I think I’ll be better off not trying to find a substitute, and I’m fortunate enough to live in area where a significant portion of the population doesn’t eat cheese, so I have lots of options for non-dairy meals.

      I guess the good news is that my Starbucks habit is probably over, at least until summer. I do like their nitro cold brew on a hot day. I can get espresso at the place we don’t talk about on the weekend cheaper, and honestly, I like instant espresso, too. So I guess I will be healthier physically and financially. Yay?

      1. Jules the First*

        Cashew milk for coffee; almond for everything else (but only *unsweetened*). There is no good substitute for cheese, but if you’re in North America, look for Daiya dairy free cheese – it doesn’t necessarily taste like cheese, but it has the right texture and it melts nicely for pizza or cheese sauce. In Europe, the nearest equivalent is Violife (but while Daisy is also soy, corn, and gluten free; violife is not)

    8. Sylvan*

      Cashew milk and almond milk are both pretty good.

      If you are lactose intolerant, you may still be able to eat some cheeses, like you are able to eat yogurt. Different cheeses contain different amounts of lactose. You might not have to give up aged cheese like cheddar and parmesan.

    9. Chaordic One*

      If you are lactose intolerant (as opposed to casein intolerant) Lactaid brand milk can be a good substitute. My grocery store also carries a store brand of lactose-free milk that is a bit lower priced. I’ve had mixed results with the Lactaid pills that are supposed to provide you with enzymes that will help you better digest dairy, if you do break down and splurge. Sometimes they work great, and sometimes they don’t.

      1. fposte*

        You can get them in drop form from Amazon, which aren’t necessarily better in the moment but in 24 hours can convert the lactose in pretty much any liquid form. That means you can convert the lactose in cream and make ice cream :-).

    10. PX*

      I’ve found my favourite non-dairy milk so far to be oat milk. But I really like the creamyness/fat content of natural milk which you tend to lose in non-dairy products, so that can be hard. Curious about cashew milk!

      1. fort hiss*

        I hear oat milk is great (I like oats already, so the concept of an oaty milk sounds awesome), I wish I was in a country where I could get my hands on it!

    11. Natalie*

      It’s not clear to me if you’re lactose intolerant, casein intolerant, or something else, but depending on the specifics you may tolerate goat or sheep milk in addition to non-dairy milks. (Soy milk is the worst fake milk IMO, so try other ones before you write off the whole category.) Both goat and sheep milk have a different type of casein than cow milk. Goat milk is lower in lactose than cow milk, so some people with milder intolerance can eat it just fine.

      Also, both are made into excellent aged cheeses, but that doesn’t solve your coffee problem.

  75. The Other Dawn*

    Is anyone going to the Catsbury Park Cat Convention in April? I’m going and it’s my first time at a cat convention. I have a feeling I’ll be in my glory with everything cat. :) I bought tickets to meet Teddy and Dexter. I’d love to meet Lil Bub, but her tickets are $100 a piece.

    I’m thinking about going to Cat Camp NYC in May, because Jackson Galaxy is hosting, but I’m not sure my husband will want to go to another convention so soon.

    1. Anon4now*

      Eh, I’ve done my time in the Asbury Park creative/faux-hippie/artsy/crafty community and I find it to be populated by awful people. More than one person in that community has been convicted of a sexual crime (one of them against a minor) and the community “rallied” together to raise money for those individuals. Because they’re good guys who just made mistakes.

      Sorry to take things in this direction. One of the people organizing the event spread terrible rumors about me in the community in the aftermath of my own assault. It just seems like something that needs to be said when you’re giving your money to a group of people that purports to be on the liberal side of the fence.

    2. KR*

      So I went to a small cat show at a local elementary school a couple years ago and it was wonderful. Not quite as big as a convention (I want to say it was a $10 donation at the door), but it was WONDERFUL. They had special cats that were carried around just for petting and then once the show cats were done being shown a lot of the owners were fine with you giving them cuddles. There were local shelters and exhibits on different breeds and cat products and so on. Everyone I talked to wanted to hear about my cat, who was at home napping, so I just kept a picture of her pulled up on my phone so I could show people her easily. I learned about so many different breeds and what breeds my cat might have in her (she’s a domestic shorthair mutt). I smiled through the entire thing and left relaxed and fufilled. I think you’ll enjoy the convention.

      Also, LOVE Jackson Galaxy.

  76. Tris Prior*

    This is one of those “is this my anxiety or does everyone find this difficult” questions.

    Growing up, my parents never had anyone over and I wasn’t allowed to have friends over (and we certainly never had houseguests stay with us!), so I never learned to be a good hostess. I’m now in my 40s and I still get really nervous about having anyone over because I always fall short somehow. Examples:

    – I take out of town guest for dinner at a place I really like and have had good experiences with. Her meal is awful and the service is uncharacteristically poor so she’s unhappy.
    – Houseguest turns on ceiling fan that I never use (I am always cold) and dust bunnies fly EVERYWHERE. I was so mortified and our guest was grossed out. I …. guess I forgot it was there as I never used it, so didn’t think to dust it?
    – I host dinner party. I’m careful to take into account guests’ dietary restrictions and food allergies, but my main dish contains an ingredient that one guest doesn’t like (which I did not know and he didn’t say anything previously like “I’m vegetarian AND I also hate *ingredient that many vegetarian main dishes contain*”.)

    It seems like every time I host an event, or have guests staying with me, something like that happens and I feel inadequate.

    I’ve been learning lately that I am an “overfunctioner”, i.e., I consider myself disproportionately responsible for doing the emotional labor of planning things and making sure everyone’s having a good time. (Thank you therapy.) I’m just wondering whether my feeling bad about the mishaps that happen when I am hosting something is normal and something other people go through. Related: how do you learn how to be a good host? I feel like there’s always something I’ve forgotten that an adult should know about.

    1. Caledonia*

      1 was out with your control (the restaurant) and another required you to be telepathic (unless you know the guest didn’t like the food which you didn’t…honestly the guest should’ve put it to the side or something). The fan one – I’d also forget something like that too if I didn’t use it.

      I don’t think you’re doing that badly.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I think most of us are overly hard on ourselves when it comes to doing something for others, whether it be hosting them in our home, taking them out for night on the town, etc. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect host, when, in reality, most people being hosted don’t even notice that something isn’t quite up to snuff.

      I’m like that, too, even though I grew up in a bigger family with people coming over all the time. Although my mom made sure the house was clean, she didn’t get out of sorts if she accidentally left a dirty towel in the bathroom (unlike me…). She liked to have the house cleaned up, but she also made sure people knew that we actually, you know, lived there. I, on the other hand, go absolutely crazy doing a giant cleanup before people come over and freak out if I find something I forgot to stash in a closet. I’m a crazy cat lady, though, so a lot of that comes from not wanting people to complain that my house smells like cats. (My dad was always one to complain about the pets when I lived at home, even though the litter was always clean and there were no pet messes. He complained about the smell of cat food, that the dog was roaming the house, etc., and I think that’s why I’m really sensitive about it now that I have my own cats.)

      In the case of your house guest that was “grossed out” about the dust bunnies…was she really? Was she so rude as to actually say that?? I mean, if I was the guest I might make a joke about it, since that’s something that’s likely to happen in my house, but I wouldn’t actually be grossed out by it. And if I was, I certainly wouldn’t say so.

      As for the other two cases, that’s not under your control. You couldn’t possibly know that your dinner guest hated a particular ingredient; you can’t please everyone, and can only attempt to do so within reason. And restaurants can be hit or miss. It’s happened to me: I rave about a restaurant, bring someone there, and their food is burned, or under cooked, or the wrong thing; it happens. People–meaning your guests–who don’t realize that or setting themselves up for a lot of disappointment in life.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Unfortunately yes, she did express her horror at the dust bunnies. “OMG, don’t you ever dust?” :( To be fair, it was pretty bad.

        I am like you; I do a massive cleanup and am always scared that I’ve overlooked something that’s lying on the floor.

    3. nep*

      First one surely was not your fault at all.
      I applaud you for giving it a shot on all these occasions, particularly given that it wasn’t part of your family ‘culture.’ I don’t even venture there.
      Agree that it seems worse than it is, and I don’t think you’re alone in having a bit of stress about this. I hope you don’t let it weigh too heavily, though.
      Each time you do it you’ll get more comfortable with it (and now you’ll always make sure the ceiling fan you don’t use is dusted, just in case — lesson learned).
      Enjoy

      1. Tris Prior*

        Haha, this is true, I ALWAYS make a point of dusting them now if people are staying over, even though we still rarely use them because I hate them.

    4. TL -*

      You get better at hosting by hosting! :) and by having a good attitude about the things the inevitably will happen. Apologize but then move on with good cheer, like “I’m so sorry; the restaurant has never had crappy service before! Why don’t we get Dessert to make up for it?”

    5. Overeducated*

      The restaurant and dinner thing are not your fault at all. The fan thing is slightly embarrassing but totally something that has happened to me too – just not with a guest around! I am sure it was not a huge deal. You are probably not thinking of all the ways you are a good host that balance these out.

    6. KR*

      You sound fine! I had family over recently and I had to try hard not to be an overfunctioner. On the restaurant thing – it was a one off and it’s really not your fault. A kindly said, “I’m sorry that your meal went so poorly! It’s very out of character for this restaurant.” is all that is necessary and if your out of town guest tried to pin the blame on you, she was the one being rude.

      The ceiling fan thing is just something that you learn from experience. When I had my in laws out for 4 days recently I googled things to clean that you don’t notice are clean, and how to clean for overnight guests. My anxiety manifests in needing my house to be spotless not just to make it seem like my house definitely isn’t dirty, but because when I’m feeling social anxiety the sheer mess and “dirtyness” of my house gets amplified for me and it adds to my over-stimulation. This all to say that anxiety over having people over and making sure they are happy is normal for another fellow anxiety sufferer, at least.

      The dinner party thing was 100% not your fault. Sometimes you go to a dinner party or a restaurant and you don’t get a meal you love or you can’t find something that suits your taste. When that happens you drink a lot of water, eat a lot of everything you DO like, and deal with it silently. If that guy made a big deal about it, he was being rude full stop.

      I think you’re doing fine and like TL said you get better at hosting by hosting!

    7. Someone else*

      I don’t know if this helps but I personally have anxiety about #1 happening so when I take guests out to eat I usually take them to a well-recommended place I’ve never been before. That way, if service is bad or they end up not liking it, in my head at least, they shouldn’t end up judging/blaming my taste in restaurants, we can just both commiserate over the place not living up to expectations.
      For #3, not your fault. If you took the time to ask about dietary restrictions, any reasonable person should know they should mention not just restrictions but anything they dislike enough that they’d refuse to eat it. Especially if it’s a vegetarian hating a thing that’s super common in vegetarian dishes. They should be used to this in life in general. See also: vegetarians who are allergic to soy and don’t mention it. That’s them screwing up, not you.
      To your main question, I think this sort of thing happens to a lot of people, anxiety or not, experience growing up with guests or not, but probably your anxiety is making it feel worse for you than it would for most, or possibly feel bad for longer after the fact than most. But when I say “most” here I mean “most who do not have anxiety” but so many people do, so basically, you are very very very not alone.

      1. TL -*

        On the food front thing, I do have a ton of food allergies (and am picky, though I try really hard to force myself to eat a small portion of things if it’s all I can eat and don’t complain).

        One thing I like to do when I host is mention the menu beforehand, in a way that implies you’re still flexible. That way people can let you know (or opt out entirely if it’s a large group and they hate everything.)

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Most of this sounds like pretty normal stuff to have happen.

      Stuff will go wrong, it’s good to just expect that nothing runs perfectly. Make mental note, call it a learning experience and do something different the next time.

      Look at it this way, if the shoe were on the other foot how would you handle it? A friend takes you to a place they like but your dinner is awful. You’d find something else to focus on, right? “At least we had a nice visit!”
      You are staying at a friend’s and the ceiling fan rains dust on you. You’d probably say, “I should have asked before turning it on.”
      If you went to dinner at someone’s house and forgot to mention that you dislike X, and there is plenty of X, you’d probably politely eat it and not say anything.

      There’s two components here. There is being a good host, but there is also being a good guest. This is why we have rules of etiquette so we don’t embarrass the crap out of each other all the time. Your guests were a little short here.

      Tell yourself that no one died in any of these stories so there is nothing huge here. Your therapist has you on the right track. It’s not up to you to procure everyone’s happiness for them. It doesn’t matter if things don’t go perfectly, what really matters is being sincere and being genuine.

      1. Tris Prior*

        I think that’s what stresses me out. When I am a guest, nothing like that would be a big deal for me. I don’t comment on the host’s cleanliness or lack thereof (I mean, if they were a full-on hoarder and I couldn’t get to the guest bed that would be a thing, but I’ve not had that happen). I have some dietary restrictions but don’t turn up my nose at food that I can eat but isn’t my favorite. Last time I stayed at someone’s place, we got takeout and my food WAS awful – way too spicy for me – but I ate what I could, drank a ton of water, and didn’t complain.

        So when someone else is unhappy with my hosting, part of me is mystified because none of that stuff bothers me. And part of me thinks, “oh crap, this is A Thing that people should know to do/not to do, I fail at adulting.”

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, that is a toughie.

          Some people just don’t have the manners we would expect. That is on them not on us.

          Going by your guideline here, WE ALL have failed at adulting. Truly. It’s good to master the art of saying, “Aww, I am so sorry” and then do nothing. Master the do nothing part. You can’t fix different food after the meal, you can’t dust the fan after it has cleaned itself off. We can’t unring a bell. “Aww, I am so sorry. I wish I had known.” Then let it go.

          The actual problem here is that it eats at you. They have long forgotten the whole incident. It’s not that important to them. At some point it might be good for you to check around and see what you would like to do differently with your life that would help your life. Sometimes these irritations are actually symptoms of other concerns.

    9. LilySparrow*

      To be perfectly honest, it sounds like you have somehow surrounded yourself with extremely rude/hypercritical people.
      It is incredibly rude to criticize the hospitality offered you. Even if you’re deeply squicked out by dust bunnies (for example), a good guest is supposed to keep that to themselves. Or if the host says something (or you have a visible reaction) you should minimize, deflect, and otherwise try to avoid making your host feel bad. If you think your host’s housekeeping is unacceptable, you decline the next invitation.

      But complaining about the food and service in a restaurant you were treated to? Complaining that your host cooked a dish with an ingredient you don’t like?

      I don’t let my elementary-age kids pull that kind of crap. And these are adults? Shame on them for being spoiled brats.

  77. mental health anon*

    I’m really really overwhelmed by the prospect of trying to find a therapist and have no idea how to go about it.

    I’ve been diagnosed with depression and been on an antidepressant for years, but some of my symptoms and behavior patterns have been not great lately and I’ve been thinking about going to see a therapist for the first time (I also have ADHD and anxiety if that’s relevant?). I think I need to. But when I research I don’t understand all of the qualifications (even when I look up explainers) and then I find articles to the effect of “it can take years to find a helpful therapist, it’s like dating, make sure you do tons of research before you go in.”

    All of my mental health issues are comorbid with a physical disability. This disability took years to diagnose. Many medical professionals have assumed my disability is psychosomatic or that I’m lying – or they’ve lacked basic knowledge. “Shopping” for doctors was one of the worst times of my life, and I do not want to do it again.

    (note: I know chronic illness counselors are a thing? the closest one I’ve been able to find is two states away).

    Any advice on any part of finding a therapist is really appreciated.

    1. anonagain*

      I look for therapists who offer a free consultation by phone or in person or whatever. I also directly say in my initial contact that I have a disability and while I’m interested in how I can deal with things more effectively, I’m definitely not interested in any approach that assumes my issues are psychosomatic or can be cured through psychological approaches.

      I’ve screened out a lot of therapists that way. I’ve had better luck with an ADHD coach and a psychiatrist who doesn’t advertise any particular expertise in physical disability issues. In my experience, the therapists in my area who advertise that specialty are of the mind over matter variety.

      My other thoughts for you are to see if there’s a support group for your condition in your area and reach out to them to see if they can recommend any therapists their members have had good luck with. Also, if you are near a hospital with a rehabilitation department or if your condition involves pain and you are near a pain clinic, they sometimes have therapists on staff. They might also be able to refer you to someone who is more well-versed in disability issues.

      As far as qualifications for a therapist, I mostly don’t worry about what qualifications someone has as long as they are actually licensed to practice and my insurance covers it.

      1. mental health anon*

        That is a really good thing to say up front.

        How do I find out if a therapist is available for a free consultation?

        My illness is rare, so there’s no support group, but it’s a good idea to look at the hospitals’ resources.

    2. Kuododi*

      I have mentioned before aamft.org is the website for American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. On their website is a link “Find a Therapist”. There you will find a comprehensive directory broken down by state. At minimum, the qualifications to be on the directory is a master’s degree in a counseling discipline and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Many therapist on the directory have multiple degrees and multiple licenses. Best wishes.

      1. Reba*

        Similarly Psychology Today has listings, you search by zip code. It’s not comprehensive, people put themselves on–but it can be helpful because they include descriptions of their specialties and it helps you get a sense of their personalities, too.

        Mental health anon, do you have a physician you trust now? Could you ask them for a therapist referral? That would at least be a place to start.

        1. mental health anon*

          I looked at aamft and didn’t find anyone close to me, but looked on the psychology today website and found a practice which seems promising, though I’m not quite sure which person to see (unless the practice works that out for me? Can’t remember how this usually works when making an appointment with a medical practice).
          The paperwork looks a bit intimidating, and I guess I’ll need a referral and to work out all the insurance end of things.
          My GP isn’t awful, but definitely isn’t great, and I dislike seeing him. I haven’t really discussed mental health stuff with him, so I don’t know how that’s going to go down, but I probably will have to to get that referral.

          1. TL -*

            Check your insurance – you might not need a referral at all. (If you have a PPO you don’t but even with an HMO I would check.)
            And if you have an EAP call them and tell them what you want. They might be able to do all the legwork.

    3. mreasy*

      Finding a therapist can be hard – but you don’t have to have a perfect fit for therapy to be useful. Sometimes you’ll see someone for awhile, it will be valuable, but you’ll realize their limits and move on. Make sure the person you see has a social work degree (more education doesn’t necessarily mean better or a better fit for you). You can often find online reviews, but generally it’s best just to jump in, once you find someone who meets the checkboxes (degree, things like LGBTQ friendly if that’s important to you, male or female if you have a preference, etc). Getting over the initial anxiety hurdle will make the whole thing easier. Good luck!!

      1. Reba*

        Re: the qualifications, a social work degree is not the only one to look for (though I agree that more letters does not mean better therapist). There are many degrees/paths that get you into the field, and it’s not even possible to generalize about the approaches used by people from different degree backgrounds.

    1. Mimmy*

      Best: Finally got up the nerve to register for a conference I’ve been eyeing for several months. It was hella expensive, but it’ll be worth it.

      Worst: One of my mom’s closest friends is in hospice after battling cancer for about 2.5 years. She’s survived longer than initially expected, but I’m still sad about it because I’ve known her and the family for years; I used to hang out with one of the daughters at the country club pool when we were younger.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      Best: Seeing how happy and healthy my cat is after a really difficult month with daily vet visits and an operation to repair her perforated cornea.

      Worst: Drawing a line in the sand with my toxic brother by no longer allowing him to treat me cruelly whilst he spirals in his negativity. Difficult, but it needed to be done.

    3. LNLN*

      Best: My husband bought me a lily plant for no reason.

      Worst: I have a cold and feel miserable.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      Best: Europe in a week!

      Worst: it snowed here AGAIN yesterday. I am done with snow.

    5. Victoria, Please*

      Best — I finally have my husband home for a time, after several trips. Also he *got a new car* after driving a 21-yr old car that had been totaled since September 2016.

      Worst — The roof leaked at my office due to recent heavy rain, and everyone in the suite has sore throats and coughing and headaches because of the mold spreading in the ventilation system. It’s very hard to fix.

      1. Mm Hmm*

        If you’re comfortable with alternative things, you might get some tea tree oil & a diffuser for your office to use daily (& best if you’re out of the room while it’s running if you do it daily.) It’s not my favorite aroma, but it will knock out a variety of molds. This might clear your office air enough to reduce the impact on you while the bldg crew figures out how to clean up the hvac etc.
        Good luck.

    7. Handy nickname*

      BEST: I moved most of my stuff and furniture into my new apartment this weekend!! We got the living room set up at least with lamps and everything, and it’s a 2-bedroom, so all the boxes are out of sight in the extra room, which is lovely

      WORST: Migraine all day yesterday and today. Also, I moved nearly everything except myself, and will be staying with my family for the next week. I’m the first one moving out, and it’s been really, really hard, and and extra week with the constant reminder of all my stuff being gone, but me still there seems hard and awkward.

    8. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: frigid soccer yesterday and seeing cousin today

      Worst: seeing cousin THEN dinner with parentals, FI, cousin. Smooth but migraine-inducing (the mom trying to control wedding under FI’s nose and him getting stressed about it after dinner while I nurse a migraine in the dark bedroom feet away)…

  79. The Other Dawn*

    Any suggestions for curtain colors?

    My house was built in 1735 and I’m looking to do a more “historical” decor. Decor is totally not my thing and I have a hard time matching colors. I mentioned several weeks ago (I think?) that I’ve finally started to hang curtains, one window at a time, after living here for almost four years. The style I’m going for is a single panel curtain with a sheer underneath and a curtain holdback on one side.

    My issue is the living room. My living room has royal blue wallpaper, which has a very tiny white dot pattern in it. Basically, you don’t notice the white in the wallpaper unless you’re standing a few feet from the wall; it’s very subtle. Window,fireplace mantle and wall trim are white. Carpet is dark blue, although we plan to rip it up and expose the original hardwood planks at some point. The love seat is a solid light blue, and the sofa is cream with a country floral pattern of various shades of blue. Both are hand-me-downs that just kind of fit in with the wallpaper and carpet color. Light fixtures are tin candle sconces. I plan to hang a curtain in the regular window, but leave the bow window bare since I love all the light coming in and it’s not facing the street. Plus it’s the cats’ hangout.

    I feel like royal blue would get lost on the wall, but white or cream scares me because they’ll probably get dirty fast. Patterns…stump me.

    1. HannahS*

      Oh yes, I remember! Sounds like you’ve got lots of shades of blue and white. I think you could go for something that blends into the wall, or white/cream–I don’t think it’ll get as dirty as you think; you’re not really touching the curtains or flinging spaghetti at the windows. Velvet can get dusty, though. Or you could introduce an accent colour. Personally, I’d probably go for a floral with pinks, reds, yellows, and some greens and/or browns on a light background, because I love florals. Then, I’d use those colours for things like throw pillows, vases on the mantle, etc.
      Oh, I just re-read that you have a blue floral couch. Hmm, maybe a multicoloured floral would compete then. Really, I think that white is a totally fine choice that shouldn’t get too dirty. You could even do a textured white, like a slubby cotton/linen, or shantung silk (or polyester) for something more formal.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        The sofa pattern is pretty small. It’s kind of like vertical stripes, and the stripes were actually a small blue floral pattern. And it’s kind of wingbacked so slipcovers could be difficult. (I’d love to throw a slipcover on it!)

        I like the idea of a cream or white curtain with a texture. I was originally thinking a satiny curtain, but your idea seems better. I’m not really going for true formal, even though the whole feel of the room is kind of on the formal side just because of the color scheme and furniture.

    3. Short & Dumpy*

      Do you have access to photoshop or a similar program? In the past, I’ve been known to take a picture of the room & then just replace colors to see what I liked. I’ve also been known to drape sheets or even beach towels over things to get a feel for color!

      I think color is too personal a thing and too dependent on variables like lighting to really advise people…but have you considered a pale yellow? We have a historic home (though much younger than yours!) and I’ve found I really like yellows with the wood and plaster.

      I agree with others that white curtains won’t get as dirty as you think….the only ones of mine that do is the spot the long-haired black cat likes to push through whenever I close them!

    4. Oxford Coma*

      I adore white curtains, and have them in every bedroom. The key is washable, textured fabric. We have three cats in a variety of colors, and my husband even bled on the one curtain (cut himself trying to replace a broken window screen) but they’ve all come through the wash looking good as new.

    5. Sylvan*

      White or cream would look nice. They would also still fit in well if you changed the decor, and they’re appropriate year-round. I like a light sage green with blue, and that might work with the floral pattern on the furniture, if you’d like another idea. I also like another commenter’s yellow idea. Brightens up the room.

      Weirdly, my white curtains in the living room are never visibly dirty; I only clean them because I suppose I should make a habit of it. My deep blue black-out curtains in the bedroom are the ones that show dirt.

    6. Pat Benetardis*

      Benjamin Moore has a line of paint called the Williamsburg collection. If I were you, I would go to the paint store, find the brochure for this collection , and use that to see what colors go with what (and use that to guide curtain colors).

    7. anon attorney*

      I would go for a heavy old gold velvet or slub silk. Old gold and royal blue are a lovely combination, your house sounds gorgeous!

  80. All the dark chocolate*

    Online daters and ppl who met their person online dating:

    How many first dates and how long did it take you to meet your match? I’ve done online in the past and have usually met someone where we mutually agree to pursue something exclusive after about 6-10 first dates and/or 2-3 months of being online.

    Maybe I was just lucky in the past… but the climate out there seems different now. I just had first date #10 this weekend and I’m kinda discouraged nothing is sparking. ( I’m at about the 2.5 month mark of being online)

    On a similar vein, does anyone have any screening processes, or guidelines about online dating? I have a few but curious about others! I’m thinking about limiting first dates to just on a week as it can get exhausting!

    1. Stellaaaaa*

      My sense is that these days, most of the people on the sites/apps don’t actually want to meet. Sure, they’d meet up if something “sparked,” but realistically speaking, they just want to see pictures and chat a little.

    2. PX*

      Many many many first dates. I realise there are several things that affected this for me (I’m picky and not conventionally attractive POC) but I would say over the years, it probably works out on average as about 1 year of online dating to find 1 person I had a good spark with and wanted to see again.

      Screening – I think that depends on you! Personally my criteria was always ‘is this conversation any good?’ and ‘have they asked?’. I’d usually be willing to meet people who asked just because I like meeting new people and even if it doesnt work romantically I’m always happy to meet friends. On the first one, if I felt like the conversation was decent, I’d probably ask after about a week of chat (or sooner if we obviously clicked).

    3. HannahS*

      I’ve had no luck with online dating, not even getting to second dates. My screening process is pretty tight (same religion, some evidence of similar interests, evidence of intellectual pursuit without being arrogant about it-nerd, but not King Nerd), but one major criteria for me once I’m on the date is, did I feel like he showed up to the date and need me to run the conversation? Because that’s what I find is happening a lot. Then no second date, because that drives me nuts. I get that first dates are awkward. But no one gave me the latitude to say, “I’m nerdy and socially awkward” and not work on my social skills. I worked, I learned, and I got better at carrying on conversations with people I don’t know. It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but I can’t stand showing up with a guy and it’s like, 80/20 of me running the convo because he’s in his late 20s and still hasn’t figured out how to say, “Tell me more about your hobbies/school/books you read/where you grew up. What do you like about ____?”

  81. EA*

    Does anyone have any tips or commiseration for kicking being scared?

    My husband is away, and I am alone, and I get scared. My doors are locked and I do all the obvious things, my mind just wanders to old crime stories.

    1. Dr. KMnO4*

      When I’m home alone and scared I keep all the lights on. I watch very silly things on Netflix that are not even remotely scary (most recently Power Rangers). Instead of trying to NOT think of scary things I deliberately think of anything else. I just keep redirecting my mind when it wanders.

      1. KR*

        Yes! My pup is 12 and no threat to anyone but he barks like he’s tough Also, self defense classes and keeping my phone in the room at all times to call 911.

    3. Oxford Coma*

      I had an MMA-knowledgable friend train me to do some knifework. It gives me a bit of confidence in regards to self-defense, it’s something most houses have on hand anyway, and it isn’t a major household decision like getting a gun would be.

    4. nep*

      I am right there with you. My mind can go to the craziest places when in a house alone. Sometimes it helps just to picture the neighbourhood from the outside — the likely calm, dark street…line of houses or apartments with porch lights on, the people inside. When I think of that, the image of my would-be intruders doesn’t seem so realistic anymore.
      Sometimes I like talking aloud to myself when alone in the house. I don’t know why it helps.
      Leaving lights and a TV on helps some.
      Even when not alone in the house, I sleep with my phone and a Kimber blaster within reach — might be just a false sense of security, but having them there helps put my mind at ease.

    5. neverjaunty*

      Well, statistically, the danger of random people breaking into your house and harming you is very small (and, if you’re a woman, sadly is much smaller than the risk of harm from a man sharing your household).

      But it sounds like this is less about fear of real crime than displaced anxiety about your husband leaving you alone? Do you have anxiety generally? Do you tend to feel physically weak or afraid of others? I’m not asking this to demand answers but the source of your fear will point you to the best way to address it.

      Also, if you don’t already, skip TV news. “Everything is pretty safe and not much going on that you need to worry about” never makes headlines.

    6. Middle School Teacher*

      I got an alarm system. I live in a good neighbourhood, but it’s what I like to call “scary neighbourhood-adjacent” (like, about six blocks away it gets sketchy). As a single woman I felt better with one, and even the sign in the yard works as a deterrant (neighbour on one side broken into; two months later, neighbour on other side broken into, and neither have alarms).

      It did scare the living daylights out of me once. My back door doesn’t latch very well so I had taken to locking the deadbolt to keep it closed. One night (Halloween as it happened) I forgot to lock it after I let the dog in and the door slipped open, which triggered the door chime. I was already a bit creeped out watching Halloween stuff on tv, so I almost jumped out of my skin. I froze for about ten seconds but the dog didn’t react, so I figured there was no one there and went and locked the door.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Watch your media consumption, especially after dinner. Turn the tube off, shut off the internet news.

      If you chose to read, read something positive or uplifting.
      Make a list of what you will do tomorrow. This is an odd exercise but it can help your mind refocus.

      I sleep with a baseball bat beside my bed. I have for decades. I don’t wanna talk about the times I have had to pick it up. If you do not have a bat maybe you have a heavy brass candle stick.

      Keep your phone near your bed.

      If you like dogs, maybe you can borrow someone’s?

      Call a friend/neighbor/husband before turning in or call them first thing in the morning. A good number of people will agree to this arrangement if you explain you are alone for the time being.

      Speaking of neighbors, unless your neighbors are blatant jerks, get to know them a tiny bit better. Know their names and know some little thing about them. That way you won’t feel like you are surrounded by strangers.

      Use night lights to find your way to the bathroom and to the kitchen sink. Those two areas seem to be where we need to get to if we wake up in the middle of the night.

      Last. Make a list of things you are grateful for. I have used this technique in many scary situations. I had a two hour drive home from work where I could not even see the hood ornament on my car. By the time I got home I was giving thanks for the people who engineer the heat in my car and I was giving thanks for potatoes because I love potato so much. Yeah, it was a long two hours. But it’s amazing how thinking about what is right can pull us through a situation.

    8. Anono-me*

      You might want to ask your local police department to do a free safety inspection. Here a police officer will come out and make suggestions as to what can be done to make your home more secure and discuss how practical each option probably is.

    9. Dopameanie*

      I don’t know if my technique is emotionally healthy or not, but when I get frightened I cover it right up with anger. Emotions are levers; they can be utilized to turn more potential energy into kinetic energy than without them. And anger is a good all-purpose emotion for action. If you are alone A LOT though this can get exhausting. YMMV?

  82. Sorgatani*

    I posted last week that I’m working on getting into the Australian army. Well, by this time next week, I may have already had my assessment day interview – that’s up in the air for me, because this time around there was no accommodation in Melbourne.
    It would be possible to stay with family who are reachable by public transport, but they have young children, and I’m concerned about being on time. I will be calling my mentor tomorrow to ask for her advice. I tried calling yesterday, but received no answer.
    My fiance is all for me staying with family and not rescheduling, because he’s worried that I will procrastinate without so near a deadline. He doesn’t want me to lose momentum. I hate to say it, but that rings true. At the same time, there is so much that I want to research and cram into my brain, that the looming deadline feels like a project that I’ve forgotten about until the last minute, and the possibility to reschedule felt like a reprieve.

    The physical parts are coming along – my pushups are getting better (I’m working at decreasing elevation, with full range knee pushups at home), my sit-ups are okay, I can’t do all 45 at once, but last night I managed 63 over the course of 2 hours with a 40min wiiU workout in between sets.
    Running/jogging stamina still needs work, but I intend to ask for a beep test tomorrow to see where I am currently. It won’t be fun, but I’ve improved a lot since my last one.

    2. ScarlettNZ*

      Just because your relatives have young children how would that make you late to the assessment? You said that they are reachable via public transport – wouldn’t you just get up in the morning, get yourself ready and go? Or are you worried that they would keep you awake all night and that you’d sleep through your alarm? You could use earplugs and set your phone alarm to vibrate.

      If I were you I’d just do it, rather than rescheduling. All the best.

      1. Sorgatani*

        Kind of a combination. I’m worried about putting the kids out of their routine, and being an inconvenience, and not sleeping well because it’s a different place (though that’d happen anywhere).
        Also found out an hour ago that sis-in-law sprained her ankle, so I doubly don’t want to be a burden :(

        1. KR*

          I hate to say it but if you’re trying to join the military, you’re going to have to get used to not sleeping well, not getting enough rest, and sleeping in strange places. It’s just a part of the job, even if you aren’t infantry. My husband is USMC infantry and he regularly plans to be places he needs to be for work 15-30 minutes early (in typical military fashion, if you’re not 15 min early you’re late). In a case like this he would probably give himself 45-60 minutes of wiggle room and get there insanely early. He did some training with the Australian military on a deployment and they operate in a similar way to the USMC, but obviously your results may vary because it’s a different country and a different military branch.

          I would do the appointment if I were you. Set a bajillion alarms, set up a wake up call service if you need to, get a good amount of sleep, plan to be there insanely early, and make sure you eat breakfast that day. Good luck!

          1. Sorgatani*

            Too true. I know that my sleeping habits are due for a shake-up.
            I gave my sister in law a call (brother is currently at work), and they’re good with me staying the night on Thursday.
            So, now it’s back to making sure I have the answers to my question list!

    3. Ismis*

      Where are your family based and where is the assessment centre? I understand transport can be stressful, but I live in Melbourne and hopefully I can lay your mind to rest about transport issues at least!

      P.S. The great thing about young children is that sleeping in is very unlikely!

      1. Sorgatani*

        This is very true. My nephews are actually quite early risers.
        They live within a brisk walk and an hour of the CBD if I remember correctly. Assessment centre is in the middle of the city.
        I’ll be making a lot of phone calls tomorrow!

  83. SociallyAnxiousForThis*

    This evening, I was in my front yard filling a bird feeder. I had my mostly-invisible earbuds in. Between songs, I heard someone yelling “HEY! HEEEEY! HEY YOU!” I quickly glanced up and saw a car idling in the middle of my city street, their window down, and its driver yelling “HEY!” at me. I didn’t recognize the person (I think it was a lady) and completely ignored them. As I walked onto my porch, I hit pause and heard them shouting “HEY I’M TALKING TO YOU!” even as I entered my house and locked my door. The car idled outside for a minute before the person finally drove off. All my doors are deadbolted tonight.

    I tend to be socially anxious and really hate when people bother me at home (I don’t even answer the door, honestly). While I stand by not responding to someone rudely yelling “HEY YOU!” at me, I’m curious how others would react.

    Would you respond to a stranger yelling “hey, hey you” at you while you work in your yard?

    1. nep*

      You sound like me — I don’t answer the door unless I’m expecting someone, or unless it’s a family member at the door who calls from her/his cell and lets me know. (The latter only if I’m not busy and I feel OK about having someone in. I hate the pop-in, anyway, so I generally won’t answer at all if it’s not planned.)
      I would have done the same — gone into the house. Hope it was just a mistake and that you won’t be bothered anymore.

    2. TL -*

      I probably would but I would assume they were trying to point out something I’d missed – maybe my garden hose was on or there was a dog escaping and they were trying to figure out whose it was or something.

      So I’d make eye contact and if they said something like, “Your car is rolling down your driveway!” I’d be really grateful. If they said something like, “Have you found Jesus Christ?” or “You’re SO PRETTY LADY” I’d just roll my eyes and ignore them.

    3. Nina*

      Hell no, I wouldn’t respond. That would freak me out. At first I thought they were yelling at you for feeding the birds. I would have gone inside and locked the doors.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I think it pays to know your area. In my area here this is a normal greeting from a person who is lost or having car trouble.
      Where I grew up, I definitely would have walked into my house and locked the door.

      I think the woman should have asked her question or stated her business rather than repeatedly yelling “hey you!”.
      I have handled some folks like this by giving them an obviously fake smile and saying “Can I help you?” but in a manner that was not question, it was a demand. In other words my voice inflection did NOT go up at the end of the sentence.

    5. Lissa*

      I get so salty when people shout at me like that, so I’d probably ignore it out of a fit of pique, then later regret it and wish I’d stopped to at least find out what they wanted. It makes me feel irrationally defensive, like they are accusing me of being a bad person by listening to headphones…? I know it makes no sense but I’d be grumpy about it.

    6. Book Lover*

      I would assume they needed directions and didn’t know how to address me. So I would probably face them inquiringly and then after that ignore them (and head into house) if they didn’t make it clear what they wanted.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Being a small town Midwest girl, I’d assume they were lost/needing directions, too.

        I’d probably go into my “customer service/grumpy customer” mode and ask what they needed while not getting too close to the car.

    7. Wrench Turner*

      I just ignore them. If they want to talk about Jesus or the dents on my car they can make the effort to get out and then be told I’m not interested.

    8. Hellanon*

      I generally just cross my arms, put on my teacher face, and lift an eyebrow. If they have something useful to say, it may get said then.

    9. Natalie*

      Huh, I’m kind of surprised at how many people would ignore them. Maybe it’s because we have a fence, but I talk to people on the street regularly. If it turns out they want to talk to me about Jesus, it’s just as easy to ignore them at that point.

      1. fposte*

        My curiosity would be too strong for me to ignore them. Also, if I’m in the front yard I’m gardening and I don’t smell good, so nobody’s going to hang around long :-).

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I wouldn’t ignore someone who said, “Excuse me” or pulled up in front of my house or walked by. It’s the “hey you” and the shouting that would get me ignoring them.

        One morning back in New York, I was walking my dog when someone started calling, “Hey you! Sweetie! Hey sweetie!” at me from across the street. It was a pretty big street. He got ignored. Anyone who yells “sweetie” at a stranger all the way across the street at 7:30am does not get a response. “Excuse me, do you know which way the 1 train is?” got a thorough answer.

        1. Natalie*

          Ah, since the OP said they had hard to see earbuds in I guess I was operating on the assumption that the person maybe already tried “excuse me”. But that’s obviously not a given, and in general I totally agree that someone that start with “HEEEEYYYYY” or pet names is probably someone I wouldn’t respond to.

    10. LilySparrow*

      I would, yes, because I don’t want anyone to think that sort of nonsense will fly around here. I’d most likely approach them and say, “Excuse me?” in a pointed way.
      We live in a very safe neighborhood with a lot of folks who work flex hours or work from home, so if it’s nice enough weather to work in the yard, there will be lots of people about. I might go about it differently if I felt less safe.
      Best case scenario, she was lost/had lost a pet, was a little panicky, and you looked like the safest person to ask.
      Next most likely is that she was selling something, and is bad at it.
      Less likely, she may have been panhandling or running some kind of scam.
      Obviously, in the first scenario I’d change my tone if she had a good reason. The others I’d send off with a flea in the ear.

  84. Nonny*

    Help, I need an adultier adult.

    I have an unsecured line of credit with a major bank in Canada that I’ve been using and paying off regularly for 10 years. I have a good credit score and a really solid loan repayment history but have my current balance almost maxed out.

    I want to get my line of credit limit extended(?) but have no idea how big of a deal that will be for the bank. Is this kind of thing common? Is it a lengthy process?

    I’d be asking to have a 15% increase in the limit if that changes anything.

      1. Nonny*

        Yep, I’ve only been late on one payment in 10 years and that was because the due dates switched and I forgot the first month it was in effect.

        I’ve been with the same bank for almost 20 years so it should be fine, but my knowledge about banking is pretty limited so I second guess myself a lot.

        1. Lilith*

          Like TL said, in the US it’s usually pretty straightforward. I’ve done it on two different credit cards/card providers and didn’t have to talk to a human for either one. Your online account should have some kind of option for requesting it, and they asked me to submit my annual income and agree to a possible credit inquiry. Then a few days later I received an approval via email. Since you have a good credit score (and it would help even more if your income has increased within the last 10 years), you should be able to get your credit line increased easily.

        2. TL -*

          Oh yeah, if you’re paying it off in full every month with a good credit score and history, I don’t think there’ll be any problem (assuming the Canadian system is anything like the American one.) Mine gets increased every few years on its own without any effort/income information on my part.

        3. Red Reader*

          I’m confused, I guess – you’ve said both that you pay it off in full every month (or at least, that’s what TL asked and you said yes) but also that it’s currently almost maxed out. Did I miss something?

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, I wondered if maybe Nonny was reading that as “pay on it” rather than “pay it in full.”

          2. TL -*

            I think she is putting almost the full limit on it and paying out off every month – eg, she has a $200 limit and charges and pays off $199 each month.

            1. Natalie*

              Yeah, that’s not that hard to do even with a higher limit – we put a ton of routine expenses on my husband’s credit card so we often get close to the limit, but we also pay it in full every month. Some people do that for rewards points or to earn whatever little bit of interest they can on their cash.

            2. Nonny*

              Sorry, let me clarify – I have the balance almost maxed out and I pay the monthly payments on it on time and in full (every month I have to pay the interest, minimum payment, and fees. It’s a line of credit so it’s similar to paying off a credit card).

              1. TL -*

                Oh, then dependent on the card, getting an increase might be harder. If it’s maxed out and you’re only making minimum payments, that’s – in the USA – not necessarily indicative of financial health in the cc company’s eyes.

                But IDK. Our minimum payment system can verge on the predatory (it used to be predatory but then they changed it.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I’d ask for a 20% increase so I had wiggle room if they pushed back.
      If they won’t give it to you, tell them you are going to start looking at other companies. That should help them to change their minds and consider your request.

    3. cnd too*

      It should be fine. We’re in Canada and have an unsecured line of credit from a major bank. Have had it for ~12 years, sometimes paid off, sometimes almost maxed out, and over the years the credit limit has increased 3 fold. I think they can’t do that anymore (without checking with you first? not sure), but we’ve never asked for the increases, they just happened.
      We have a second line of credit (rarely used, and probably older ~15 years) and it’s increased a bit too, but not as much.

  85. Anon Anon*

    How do you deal with a parent who is becoming more and more dependent?

    I live with my mother and while she’s getting older, she’s still very alert and aware of things. But she hasn’t been the same emotionally since becoming a widow years ago, and just became more isolated. And also more dependent. Any chronic physical issues (arthritis, headaches) seemed to have worsened and now she’s unable to walk anywhere very far without pain or breathing issues. If I do take her somewhere, I have to drop her off at the front so I can park, or she just can’t go at all. I worry if there is ever a fire in our building, because she can’t take the stairs. She never goes anywhere or talks to anyone else but relatives. She just watches TV or reads all day. She doesn’t even drive anymore and her license has expired. My mother says she’s fine, but I don’t know if she’s saying that because it’s true, or if she’s trying to make me feel better. She said she doesn’t want me to worry.

    I’m not trying to make light of my mother’s issues. If she says she’s in pain, I believe it. But I’m a fairly young woman and I’m starting to realize I can’t move out or go anywhere that takes me far because she can no longer take care of herself. I’m afraid to go on a trip. I can’t move anywhere else. She has no independence and I don’t know how to help her. It’s not just for my sake, she needs a life of her own. I want her to have friends and do things and enjoy herself, not just stay cooped up in the house.

    I feel awful just writing this, but I’m nearing the end of my rope. Any advice?

    1. Laura H*

      Idk how to help you, but as your mom reads a lot- maybe a book club?

      I’m part of a local one- although there’s at least a generations gap between the other members and me, it’s so interesting the presentations they each do- every month someone presents a literary topic.

      And I’m reluctant to suggest this, but is there a senior center nearby? (I’m not old enough to verify- but the one in my area offers loads to do). Check with them. And is there either public transit, or that which you can call ahead and schedule your mom for a ride to said senior center?

      Do you have friends whose brains you can pick for ideas? Ask em.

      Good luck.

      1. Enough*

        It might be time for some level of assisted living. She will have ready medical help and people her age to spend time with.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      She is fine, because she has you taking care of her.
      In other words, no, she is not fine.
      Your list here shows a major drop in life participation. Use her actions as your guide, not her words. You will get confused if you try to follow her words. The difficulty with walking and breathing is probably tied to sitting and reading or watching tv all day. Constantly sitting reduces quality of life fast. The lack of her own friends and activities speaks volumes. She lost her DL that is another biggie.

      Tell her that you would like her to think about where she will go next. Talk in terms of how it is not fair to her that you are busy with working a lot, you have some trips you are considering and so on. She needs to be around people who will be more available than you are. Talk about safety issues, this place you have is no longer appropriate because stairs are not for her anymore. If there was a fire she could not get out.
      The general idea is that you make it about being fair to her and keeping her safe.

      You may have to take the bull by the horns and research places that would be good options for her. But first try to draw some ideas out of her. Then if that does not work start digging for ideas yourself. If you have relatives who are supportive cue them in on what you are doing here. Perhaps they can help by giving her the same message and encouraging her that she could have a different and better life elsewhere.

    3. fposte*

      First, see if you can get her doctor to sign off on a handicapped tag for you. This is one of the things they’re for.

      Second, look for day programs for seniors (horribly called “adult day care” but don’t use that term with her). Many have shuttles so you don’t even need to drive her. Make it clear that her not going to something like this *will* cause you to worry.

      Third part a) look into skilled in-home care. This means knowing what kind of resources your mom has and what kind of Medicare/Medicare Advantage plans she’s on. This situation isn’t tenable for you without support. Part b) look into respite care. That’s often free through some organizations, and if you google “Respite Program Locator” you can probably find a map to identify anything in your area.

      Fourth, consider what future you’re prepared for and what her resources allow her. If she would have to move if she needs more intensive nursing, you and she can have more control over and choice in the process if she moves before things get too bad. It would also give her a better chance to make social connections there.

      Good luck; this is a hard one.

    4. Wrench Turner*

      My dad is in this situation. My sister and I are his only social interaction since he left work. He’s got progressive health issues after a stroke. If she’s anything like my dad, she’s just saying this so you won’t worry.

      There are some decisions you’re going to have to make – how much of a caregiver do you want to be? How much are you comfortable calling in for outside help? There are programs in your community for helping with aging parents; some cost more than others. There are also social groups based around interests – politics, history, gardening, etc.

    5. Hellanon*

      Time to talk to her about assisted living – my mom is pretty much as this point physically, although she’s 85 and has been embracing the idea of being frail & elderly for a good ten years. She also relies on my dad to do everything, which he’s perfectly happy to do. But if anything happened to him she’d be unable to cope, and I think you may need to put it to your mom (gently but firmly) that you can’t do this level of caretaking. Your mom may also be dealing with some level of depression; have you talked to her doctors?

    6. Not That Jane*

      I went through something very similar with my dad after my mom passed away. We lived in a house at the top of a flight of stairs, he was medically unqualified to drive, and had emphysema plus the beginnings of dementia. I was also 25 years old and trying to get started on a career.

      It made me feel so guilty, but I basically told him we needed to find a senior/retirement living situation with multiple levels of care (independent-assisted-skilled nursing all available under the same umbrella). I was going back to school, and couldn’t handle that plus the caregiving responsibilities. We looked at about 10 different places and found one that was a great fit for him.

      To my shock and delight (as he was always a very shy and quiet man), he positively blossomed socially in the new living situation. He joined the choir, and the dart baseball league, and the poetry circle. He had “buddies” for almost the first time in his life. He even met a lovely woman who became his girlfriend.

      So, I guess this is to say, I felt so guilty for taking care of myself, and I felt like I was abandoning my daughterly responsibilities… but it was actually really good for him. The only reason he left that living situation was that he got to the point of needing full-time nursing care and I needed him to be in a facility closer to where I was living by then.

      I think for me, the key was (a) presenting it as a logical, reasonable need of mine/ours that he find a different living situation, and (b) doing a ton of searching to find a place that would be a good fit. We found a few places that were an obvious No, a few that were OK but not quite right, and then one that we both immediately loved.

    7. Mm Hmm*

      How about a consult (for you) with a geriatric social worker? General expectations for managing with a declining parent, decision tree type things AND coping & support for care givers conversation/s. An office on aging in your jurisdiction should be able to point you in the right direction (tho likely unable to recommend individuals).

      This is a tough road, & you’re going to need the rest of your rope. You’re smart to be taking steps now, before you’re exhausted.

    8. Mephyle*

      Find out what resources for aging and caregiver support information there are where you live. Possibly you can get set up with with a social worker who specializes in geriatrics or an occupational therapist, or some other professional who can discuss with you what kind of resources, adaptations and programs are available for your mother. They might point you to assisted living, or they might help you with other measures that can help her get what she needs while still living with you.

  86. Dana*

    I’m having an interpersonal problem with someone from my grad program. (Even though it’s in the context of school it’s really more of an issue with managing personal relationships, so I think it belongs in this thread. If I’m wrong, please delete.) I have a pretty close-knit group of friends in my program and we spend a lot of time together both on campus and off. Early in the year I invited another student to study and hang out with us. He was very happy to be included since he had not really made any close friends in the program and was also struggling academically.

    After a few times hanging out together as a group it became clear to us that there was a personality mismatch. Though he’s a kind person, we found him difficult to get along with – to the point where some people said they did not want to spend time together as a group if he was there. I agreed. Because we didn’t think he would handle it well if we directly told him we didn’t want to spend time together anymore we attempted to do a “slow fade” by remaining friendly when we saw him around but not inviting him to join us for study groups or outings. This was unsuccessful (he began waiting for us and following us) so I had conversation with him on behalf of the group, since I was the one who first invited him along. He said he understood, but was clearly hurt.

    This all occurred several months ago. We’re all cordial when we see him in group settings, but the awkwardness is palpable. He does not seem to have made any friends in the program and spends most of his time at school alone. I think part of this is due to the fact that he is significantly older than the rest of the students in the program. It’s also worth mentioning that he is the only (as far as I know) transgender person in the program, which I imagine must feel isolating. Recently in a mandatory workshop on the subject of stress he told the class that the most stressful part of his time in grad school so far is “being excluded by everyone and having no friends.” This made it clear to me that things have not gotten any better and he is really unhappy. It sounded like a cry for help.

    I feel absolutely terrible for him. At the same time, to be completely honest, he is not a person I see myself becoming friends with (though I respect him and am always friendly when I see him). Part of me says this is not my problem to solve: there are ~150 people in our program so it’s not as if we’re the only ones he could befriend. However, another part of me feels like a terrible person for playing a part in his feeling so isolated and excluded. Throughout high school I was often the one sitting alone at lunch, excluded by the cliques, and I know how horrible it feels.

    I guess I’m looking for any advice or thoughts others may have on the situation. What would you do?

    1. Rahera*

      My heart really goes out to him, that’s really hard.

      It’s tough when you don’t click with people but want to be kind. I wonder if you would maybe consider going to the occasional movie or lunchtime concert with him or something like that. In that way you could be companionable so he could go somewhere with someone once in a way, but you wouldn’t have to make too much conversation if that’s really awkward. You could then do the ‘hey what did you think of the movie’ small talk over coffee if you had the energy/basic compatibility for that much conversation, or chat waiting for your bus or on the way to the library.

      Not saying that you must do anything, of course, but it might be a way to be kind without having to address that basic incompatibility too much , and maybe a movie every couple of months or so might give him a little bit of a lifeline and something to look forward to.

      1. Rahera*

        Oh, another thought. I think it might be helpful to have limits on any interaction you do have with him that aren’t you deciding it’s time to go. If he’s already keenly feeling that he’s on the outside, it will be hard for him not to feel like people can’t wait to get away.

        If possible, I would say having an external reason for coffee or small talk to end would be kind. For instance, you would stay and chat but you’ve got to catch this bus – the bus is the immediate reason you’re leaving. It’s clearly an external factor, and that might sting a little less.

        Perhaps if you know he has a hard limit to time he can spend with you, you could work with that: say he has a class at 4pm, you could suggest coffee at 3:30. Then he gets to have coffee, then say oh sorry, I’ve got to get to class, and he has some agency.

    3. LibbyG*

      A toughie! I share your propensity to include people, but, yeah, sometimes a person just doesn’t fit the culture of a small friend group. If you do reach out to him for coffee or whatever, you may want to mentally rehearse some kind but direct feedback. Like did he come across as a one-upper? Or a morose Eeyore? Or primed to take offense? You could end your imagined comment with “I think you would really click with people who …” (share your interest in Mideast politics, prefer serious conversations to silly ones, enjoy competition…).

      Maybe he never asks and you never convey these thoughts, but if he puts a direct question to you, you’ll have a thoughtful response at the ready.

    4. Temperance*

      You’re incredibly kind to care about his feelings. You did him a solid by giving him the friend break-up speech. That doesn’t mean that you’re responsible for hanging out with him or helping him to make friends.

      Not everyone fits in with everyone else, and that’s okay. Your program is pretty large, so the onus is not on you and your friends to befriend someone who you don’t like all that much. It’s okay not to like people. It’s okay not to want to be friends with someone.

      I don’t think you have an obligation to hang out with him one-on-one in small, limited doses. FWIW, I’m socially awkward and I would have hated knowing that someone saw hanging out with me as an obligation and set time limits to do so.

    5. HannahS*

      Honestly, I’d probably just leave it. It would be a completely different situation if your friend group made up a large portion of the program, but if you’re a small group among 150, deciding you don’t want to be friends with one person is OK, as long as you’re being professional and polite at school. That’s all you really owe the other people in the program. I don’t generally like using my own friendship as an act of charity, you know? Like, if I don’t want to be friends with someone, I’m not willing to pretend in order to give them a friend. I’m willing to be polite and welcoming and friendly with colleagues, but not more. It’s too much emotional labour if you don’t actually like the person. Like I said, if your group was a majority, it would be different. Be discreet about the fact that you’re meeting up. Don’t make it obvious that you’re all good friends and he’s not included when you’re at school-related activities. Now, the flip side is, yeah, he’s hurt. Of course he is! What you guys did (making overtures of friendship and then having one person be a spokesperson that no, actually, no one in the group wanted to be friends) is incredibly hurtful. But since you’re not interested in being friends with him, there isn’t a way for you to make things better for him. Don’t become his friend if you don’t want to, and then forgive yourself for not wanting to be friends with everyone and for hurting someone’s feelings, and remind yourself that this isn’t your problem to fix.

    6. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      That’s tough – for both of you. Although…you did try to ghost him without explaining why, which to be honest is fairly jerkish. Honestly, that’s probably the major thing – in trying to spare his feelings, you probably caused harm by excluding him for no reason (from his perspective). And I hope that you apologize sincerely to him for that.

      (That said, I’m trying to not come down too hard on you, since I’m far from perfect in that department, and I’m guessing you’re still college age or a recent graduate. But…it is a major issue, and probably THE major issue in your relationship with him.)

      That said, you’re not required to save everyone either. Even if someone is older than you and trans. If you don’t feel like he’d be a good friend, that’s fine! But…definitely think about whether you’re right or whether you should be more open minded – he might be significantly older than you but he’s still a peer in the sense he’s in your classes.

    7. Rahera*

      I think Dana has most likely burned their bridges unfortunately, having actively invited then uninvited the fellow student and then with several months having gone by. I couldn’t help thinking of the opening scenes of Muriel’s Wedding.

      The fellow student would be entitled not to want anything more to do with the small group. In his place, I think I would walk on by them and try to keep my head up.

      In circumstances where he was willing, my one on one suggestions might be helpful. I’ve had success with that sort of thing in the past, smoothing the way with awkward connections. The crucial thing is that it has to be done absolutely without pity or condescension, it has to be out of respect for someone else you would like to be kind to.

      I think the attitude towards the other grad student’s age is unfortunate. It takes a lot of strength of character to return as a mature/adult student to an environment where anyone over their mid 20s is generally looked at askance. My experience of being a returning student and having talked to many a returning student is that there’s a wealth of knowledge and value in everyone.

      Obviously no one can like everyone or has to like everyone. Unfortunately bad mistakes would seem to have been made here. OP is bound to feel really terrible about that, and unfortunately may have to live with feeling terrible about it.

  87. Sylvan*

    This is an embarrassing problem, but I thought: Why not throw it out there?

    Does anyone have advice on quitting biting or grinding your teeth at night? This morning, I woke up mid-bite with pain in my jaw radiating into my ear and neck. It’s still pretty bad.

    I grind my teeth or bite because of a bad experience with a dentist when I was a little kid. (Restraints, bite blocks, weird clamp thing, not a good time.) I’d really appreciate any non-dentist recommendations, but of course a dentist is an unavoidable option.

    1. Enough*

      You need a mouth guard. There are over the counter ones you can get. But a dentist would be the best to do this. You want to make sure you don’t developed TMJ. A guard is simple to make. They make a mold of either your upper or lower teeth and take an impression of your bite. Then they create the guard and make sure it fits right and you are good to go. It won’t be cheap but can last a long time as it can be adjusted if you get future dental work. I’ve used a guard for almost 35 years.

      1. Grad Student*

        I grind my teeth but so far have shied away from splurging on a custom-fit mouthguard (though someone once told me they got one cheaply while living in Morocco…) and am chomping my way through a series of ~$30 drugstore mouthguards, the kind you drop in hot water to soften and then mold to your mouth. They help me!

        1. Book Lover*

          It is cheaper to spend $300 (what mine cost with my dentist), I think! Mine has lasted about five years so far and the one before about a decade and they are fitted to help me not actually grind, rather than to grind through them (better for my jaw).

          1. Grad Student*

            I know it will be cheaper in the long run but I’m frankly (and irrationally?) afraid I’ll lose it before it pays for itself! My dentist also suggested one more like $700 or $800 so perhaps I should look into the different options more…

      2. Sylvan*

        Based on the sounds my jaw makes (and hasn’t made today – suspicious), I definitely have TMD, haha.

        Do you bite or grind more with the mouth guard in, even though it protects your teeth? I have an issue with bite blocks at the dentist’s office and I’ve hurt myself biting them. I’ve been wondering if the plasticky feel of a mouth guard would be enough to trigger more biting.

        1. Enough*

          I have had TMJ issues. But started using the guard after they were resolved. The guard is hard plastic and is made so your teeth will ‘slide’ instead of catching which causes you to bite/grind. I don’t find it to be plasticky. It can be fitted to either upper or lower teeth. Mine are on the upper and my husband’s are on the lower which is how my dentist usually does it.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Seconding get a nightguard from your dentist, not one from the pharmacy. It will cost a lot, but if you have pre-tax flexible spending, that can cover it.

    3. Book Lover*

      If you don’t want to spend a fortune and a lot of time with your dentist in the future, you need to spend a bit of time and money with your dentist ASAP. You need a good night guard otherwise you will destroy your bite in the short term and your teeth in the slightly longer term. Sorry :(

    4. Cruciatus*

      Sorry to also recommend a dentist. I’m a grinder. Many, many years ago I paid something like $250 to be fitted for this little device that fits on my top teeth. I don’t know that it stops the grinding, but it stops my teeth from touching at least (and I’ve never noticed any jaw/neck pain or issues). It was pretty painless to get fitted! And the device is tiny enough that it’s not this big hulking thing like a sports mouthguard. I’ve had it for many years now so the cost per year is really low at this point. I do take it with me to dentist appointments where they can clean it in some super sonic cleanser thing and make sure it’s still fitting well but it still is many years later (but it’s not a requirement to have to take it in every 6 months or anything.) I actually feel weird now if I brush my teeth and realize I forgot the device at home or something.

    5. Lcsa99*

      I haven’t had that problem in a long time but when I did, an over the counter might guard helped. They are usually with the other tooth care stuff at the drugstore.

      I think when I first used it I was clamping my jaw down tight on it (not grinding) sometimes my jaw would be sore, and yes, sometimes I did try to grind my teeth with it in, but it stopped the damage I was doing to my teeth. If you don’t want to get one from your dentist, definitely go this way.

    6. Temperance*

      There are dentists who specialize in working with patients who hate the dentist! I recommend looking for a dentist experienced with traumatized patients.

    7. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      You can’t just “quit” – you’re doing it while you’re asleep! Get a mouthguard, your teeth will thank you.

  88. Merci Dee*

    So, my daughter flooded a hotel lobby last night….

    Kiddo’s been out of school this week for spring break, but I’ve had to work. She’s stayed home for the week, which is no problem; she’s old enough and responsible enough to be by herself while I’m at work for the day. But as a surprise, my parents picked her up yesterday afternoon and took her to a local hotel for the night so that she could swim in their indoor pool. Kiddo thought she was in heaven.

    The family gets to the hotel and checks in; kiddo swims until she’s a wrinkly prune. When kiddo and mom get back to the room, mom tells kiddo to hop in the shower with her swimsuit on to rinse out the chlorine. No big deal, right? Wrong. Kiddo didn’t pull the shower curtain into the bath tub with her, the curtain rod was one of the curved ones popular in hotels, and the large rain-type shower head was pointing toward the curtain.

    About the time that kiddo gets out of the shower, dad gets a phone call from the front desk, saying there’s water leaking from the ceiling into the lobby. Water had flooded the bathroom floor, flowed into the carpet outside the bathroom door, and run down the pipes to come pouring out from around a sprinkler head on the first floor. They’d managed to fill 3/4 of a waste basket (one of the small ones, like at your desk or in your bathroom; not a kitchen size one) with water, and we’re mopping up the floor all around the waste basket by the time my dad got downstairs. Luckily, nobody was upset, and the ceiling didn’t appear to sustain any damage when dad checked it out this morning.

    All I can think is, only my kid…..

    Anyone else had any similar crazy hotel mishaps?

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I feel like she can’t be the first person who’s done that in that hotel!! I bet she was just the straw that, err, flooded the hotel lobby. (Mixed metaphors ftw)

      1. Merci Dee*

        One of the front desk staff that talked with my dad mentioned that there had been similar floods from the room they were staying in. Just the location of the room, and the arrangement of the guts between the floors. You’d think they would have taken care of that by now…

    2. Temperance*

      I once found a live snake in a hotel elevator. The elevator had that tacky patterned carpet designed to hide stains, and the snake was multicolored, so it blended in.

      I pulled Booth off of the elevator and told the other person on there (afterward) that there was a snake. I went to the front desk, and the guy honestly didn’t believe me until he saw it for himself. The overnight maintenance guy came out with a broom and dustpan and took it outside.

    3. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Honestly, it sounds like your kid is 12ish+, which means that they are plenty old enough to know to pull the shower curtain in. Which means it was a failure of thought. Start working on responsibility/thinking things through with your kid. They will thank you later when they’re a competent, functional adult.

  89. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Divorce update: I had an interesting meeting with my attorney this past week. Turns out STBEXH’s new job (he didn’t report update in income, I gained access to online banking because my name is on the account) shows direct biweekly deposits. Between those, my support, and me still paying for internet/phone and garbage removal, he has take home pay of about $260/month more than me. His behavior is also getting close to stalking, with remarks about my car not being at work or my friend’s house, accusing me of having a boyfriend, etc. He’s going to receive a letter, stating I will no longer be paying for the internet/phone or garbage service (I was doing this as a courtesy because when I left he wasn’t working at all), and the support will either be greatly reduced or eliminated, depending on his actual gross pay. He’s going to have to provide actual gross income. Plus, his attorney asked for things to be left as is until Feb 2018, which has passed, so once again, we’re requesting a settlement proposal.

    As an aside, bank statements show a wealth of information. I was able to show many, many ATM withdrawals in my new neighborhood. He never did this before I left, as I could access bank statements before I moved out. It started after I arrived here.

    The latest drama occurred since I posted last. He wrecked another car, the 2nd in 10 months, and the insurance policy is in both names, but mine is primary. I put in a change of address with the post office when I moved out. So, the checks were sent here. He hounded me all week about where the check was, he had to get another car, and it finally arrived on Friday. I agreed to meet him at the bank so he could cash it. He pointed to a scrape on my car, asked how I did it, and I was angry – here’s someone who has wrecked 2 cars in 10 months and he’s smugly pointing to a scrape? Seriously?? I said, it’s probably just a parking lot scrape, whatever, and what difference does it make? and stormed into the bank. We had to wait. He tried to talk to me, and I gave him a look that shut that down. When it was our turn with the teller, and the teller had to step away for a moment, he turned to me and said “I bet you had that check all week and just kept it to make me wait”. I literally hissed at him, it came today. He said, yeah, right…and I reached my limit. I raised my voice, and said “Oh, like in December, when I needed a prescription, and you waited 4 DAYS TO LET ME KNOW THE PHARMACY CALLED?? When I needed meds, you made me wait, like that??” He just looked at me, I felt bad for the teller because she had returned by then and was looking at us, and he said “well, when the next small check arrives, just let me know”. I stormed out.

    Since then he has texted “call me” 3 times, gonna have to block that, and left a voice mail, because I haven’t figured out how to block that on my Android phone.

    Yes, the second part of the insurance payment arrived. Yesterday. I tossed it in my room. I really want to burn it, but I haven’t. I think I’ll wait a few days and then mail it to him, even though I live 7 miles away.

    I just want him gone from my life, I never ever want to talk to him again, and I wish I would have left years ago.

    Thanks for listening! This is just so frustrating for me.

    1. misspiggy*

      Not long now! Interesting how he seems to be fending for himself now you’re cutting ties.

    2. Rogue*

      Ugh, STBEXH….smh…this guy annoys me on your behalf. *hugs to you* I’m hoping magic happens and the strings currently tying you to him will be severed in far less time than you think. That guy is a douche canoe.

    4. Forrest Rhodes*

      Dear Furious,
      After reading each one of your updates I stand slack-jawed with admiration at your strength (my gramma used to call it “intestinal fortitude”) and your ability to grit your teeth and continue moving toward your goal.
      I tell the kids in my life, “The only way to eat an elephant is one … bite … at … a … time”; you’ve had to face a whole bunch of elephants and I’m just in awe of the way you’re reducing the herd.
      Good on ya. For what it’s worth, I’m sending you cheers and wishing you continued power.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        Thank you, I just get up every day, and know that my goals are one day closer. That’s all I can do. Just keep calm and move forward. Posting here helps me a lot.

  90. Overeducated*

    How do you reduce irritability? I am feeling SUPER irritable at my family lately, both due to pet peeves that are increasingly grinding on me, and due to what even I can tell are my own overreactions. We have some major life transitions going on right now and I am feeling pretty anxious and insecure, so that might be the ultimate root, or I could just be turning into a jerk who thinks everyone should do what I want all the time, but either way, I have to change the symptoms. Any advice on tamping it down in the moment, or fostering general mellowness and calm?

    1. Wrench Turner*

      Take time and space for yourself. If you are sensitive and easily overwhelmed (like me), give yourself some room. Breathe. Say ‘No thank you” more.

      1. Overeducated*

        Time and space for myself is something I have next to none of right now. It is not going to be easy to find but maybe I should try harder. Thanks.

    2. fposte*

      I’m going through an irritable phase myself, and for me what’s key are physical activity, enough sleep, and some time to listen to music. I don’t have to be lying on the rug listening to music–in fact, part of the point is to get me up doing household stuff–but the music is a soother and a mood lifter.

      1. Overeducated*

        I am sorry you’re going through it too, hope it passes quickly! Thank you for your advice, that all makes good sense.

        I sometimes think about how I used to listen to much more music, when my life was set up differently device and furniture and kid-wise. Making things easy vs. hard makes such a difference to our habits, I should look for a better way of setting things up. I know I am not getting enough physical activity as well, can’t wait for the double whammy of winter weather and viruses to pass.

    3. nep*

      Taking some moments for yourself.
      Deep breathing.
      Getting in a few minutes of reading — being into a book I’m enjoying really lifts my mood.

    4. napoleon the dessert*

      I tend to believe that you can’t really cure the symptoms if you don’t deal with the root cause; actually the more I avoid dealing with the root, the worse my symptoms become. So why are you feeling anxious and insecure? and how can you move to a place of greater groundedness?

      1. Overeducated*

        It has to do with big life change stuff that I can’t really rush (job change, new longer commute and hours, spouse out of work and looking, not knowing if we’ll have to move and to where, etc.). I am anxious about how I/we will adjust to the new routine and hours, what happens financially and with child care if spouse doesn’t find a job very very soon, etc. I think the only way out is through, but I’d prefer to get through without being so mad all the time!

        1. napoleon the dessert*

          Late but what helps me here is to be very disciplined at redirecting my thoughts, reminding myself every time that I’m not so much irritated with x, I’m anxious about my job change. It’s painstaking work, but it gets easier. Also, reminding myself that right at this moment there is probably nothing you can about things you can’t control (like how the commute will be in a new job or how the finances will be also, those things are actually not happening at this moment), and redirecting as in is there something you could be doing? Saving money? or seeing commuting options? it’s hard.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Increasing your self-care will help.
      Taking walks is can be very supportive. We reconnect with the larger world and we sort out our own thoughts on things. If you are feeling up to it take a family member with you, walk together. It’s a good way to have some good productive talks.

      It might be helpful to define what matters to you and what really does not matter to you. IF you have done a good job on thinking about this you will notice some surprises.

      And this one could sound useless but here goes: What do you need to help you with your anxiousness and concerns? This can be anything, absolutely anything. If you are worried about your future, perhaps looking at your plan for saving for retirement is necessary. If you are worried about safety going to work perhaps the car needs a tune up or some minor repairs. Turn that anxiousness around by checking the basics in your own so that at least your own life seems to be going along as best it can. Make sure you feel that your one square foot of the planet feels fairly stable to you.

      1. Overeducated*

        Walks in the evening sound lovely. I hope spring comes quickly now that we’re back in DST and it won’t be dark by the time I get home.

        I think you’re right that figuring out ways to have a more stable baseline is important. If my partner and I can figure out a new routine after work that doesn’t just involve me doing the same stuff in less time, that would help. If only I could figure out a way to seriously speed up dinner…it would help to build up a collection of super duper quick but still vegetable based meals for weeknights.

    6. HannahS*

      I get profoundly more irritable when I’m tired and when I haven’t been spending enough time by myself. Maybe you need to give yourself more recharge time than usual.

      1. Overeducated*

        That’s actually one of the things that’s bugging me – I already feel like I don’t get any time to myself, and with a new schedule starting tomorrow I’m afraid it will have to be cut out of sleep time. Which is obviously not a great tradeoff for recharging. Gotta figure this one out, what might be simplified to free up time.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I found myself full of rage and fury at the smallest frustrations or annoyances for months after my mom and then my dad passed away. At least the second time I was better able to recognize it, although luckily for me I’ve never worn my heart on my sleeve, it’s second nature to think twice before I act. Still, it was disturbing and definitely noticeable to those close to me.

      There are a couple of approaches. One is to work out your frustrations physically, with something like kickboxing or hitting a punching bag, but any strenuous exercise could help. Even a hobby with hammering or pounding things could help. Or you could work on your thoughts, like therapy, CBT, or just practice making yourself count to 10 while breathing deeply and slowly, whatever method might work for you. Personally, I like zazen meditation, as calming my mind makes me feel much better able to deal with any difficult or uncomfortable thoughts or feelings.

      1. Overeducated*

        I’m so sorry about your parents. I can imagine that would be incredibly destabilizing. Thank you for sharing the things that have helped you. I think exercise could help me and is missing right now; I used to get a lot of stress relief from distance running.

    8. gyms*

      Late to the game but I went to check out a new gym in my neighborhood (a planet fitness) and they wanted my id and to put me in the system before they’d even let me have a tour. It felt excessive and invasive. I get it, they want to be able to market to me directly but I mean, I was there in person, which surely shows more than casual interest. This is not a high end gym. I had pretty much decided to join but this really turned me off. Was I out of line?

  91. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Yesterday: snowy soccer game with FBIL, FMIL, and FI. Then pho. Yay.

    Today: showing cousin around museums (same name as FI). Also hoping seeing parental as they pick up my cousin goes non-clusterf’y. Drinking emergenC to stay healthy.

    Coming up with mini bridesmaids bags on a budget. I have lipgloss, goats milk soap $2, and semiprecious stone bracelets in matching colors. It’s them and wedding party, FI and me in a house, wedding weekend.

    Any ideas on how to coordinate food to the house? Fun group ideas? Snacks? So tired….

    6 more weeks…

    1. LCL*

      It’s time to delegate. Email or text everyone who will be staying at the house and tell them you are overwhelmed with the food planning and ask for help. People want to help, but it is hard to know where to start.
      And congratulations! And your bridesmaids favors sound lovely.

    2. Overeducated*

      A taco, pasta, or baked/sweet potato bar is a fun group food approach, people can top their own and everything can be prepped beforehand and relatively cheap. Or, depending on how many people and your budget, heat up pre-prepared meals from a decent grocery store or order takeout. Nobody expects fancy from the couple getting married! I wouldn’t even worry about snacks – if you are providing meals for a group it’s totally fine to say “we’re cooking/ordering in X meals on Y days, feel free to being any other snacks you want!” Or you could see if anyone in town early enough wants to go with you on a grocery trip and just impulse buy stuff a day or two before people start arriving.

  93. Little Paws*

    Anyone have any experience with the ketogenic diet? I had my annual physical/checkup with my doctor a few weeks ago. The results are in. I have:

    -High blood pressure (145/90) she prescribed me 12mg of Hydrochlorothiazide daily
    -My cholesterol is slightly high. No meds for that yet, as she wants me to bring it down with diet & exercise
    -Superficial varicose veins on my upper thighs (!!) She said she is not too concerned about them. She says it is because of my sedentary lifestyle. Of course I was up googling half the night and read that it’s linked to DVT & P/E which of course scares the hell out of me!

    Thankfully I am not diabetic or pre-diabetic, but it’s definitely on my horizon if I don’t turn this around ASAP. Both of my bio parents suffered with T2 diabetes, high blood pressure, strokes and eventual kidney failure.

    I’m 30 years old, so I realize that my window for “nipping this is the bud” is closing quickly. My doctor didn’t seem to have a preference for any specific diet. She said I should focus on eating clean, cut out the junk/processed foods, and start exercising daily. I’ve been googling all weekend, and came up with the ketogenic diet as one that seems to make the most sense for me. I work a desk job, sitting on my butt for 10 hours a day. My doctor does not want me going to the gym and going all out, because that could do more harm than good. She just wants me to start small and go for walks and jogs at least once a day for 40 minutes.

    Thoughts/advice?

    1. fposte*

      The ketogenic diet is pretty extreme on the restrictions; it has a high failure rate, and there is a group of people for whom it apparently raises cholesterol (like most low-carb diets, it lowers cholesterol in most people). A lot of its claims aren’t scientifically supported, either. I would check with your doctor before choosing that one.

      Can you talk a little more about why you wanted to choose a specific named protocol rather than just cutting the processed foods, and what specifically drew you to the ketogenic diet? Are you the sort of person who does better with strict limited orders rather than moderation? (And do you have complete control of your own kitchen and can set up its contents to only cater to you?)

      1. Little Paws*

        You are correct! I am the type of individual who needs a list of specific items to eat and specific items to completely avoid. Even in the realm of fruits & vegetables, there are still some good/bad options. I read that some are higher in starch & carb and should be avoided when trying to lose weight, etc. I live alone and don’t have anyone staying with me, so I have complete freedom there.

        At this point I’m looking at focusing on eating protein, veggies, some fruit (minimal due to sugar content) and healthy fats/oils. My diet isn’t too horrible right now. But my lack of physical activity and my hormone imbalance is what has helped me pack on the pounds over the last 5 years or so.

        1. nep*

          Stress can be a big roadblock from what I understand. And you’ve had your share of late, right?
          So mitigating / coping with stress and getting good sleep will play a role.

        2. fposte*

          The evidence strongly suggests that what matters isn’t so much what veggies you do and don’t eat as letting go of the processed stuff and making a change that you can stick with. If you think you can stick with this, that’s fine; it’s just not likely to get you a ton farther than, say, Atkins or even the Mediterranean diet.

          If you like planning stuff out, there are some great customizable meal planners online. I like the one from vertex42 dot com; it’s got pull-down menus that you can add stuff to, which just tickles me for some reason. (I use it for bento making, so I also color-coded the menus.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am thinking that if the doc wanted you to use a particular diet plan she would have mentioned it by name?

      Honestly, just switching over to eating whole foods, meats/fish, veggies and fruits will keep you very busy for the moment as you plot out what you will do for your meals now. And don’t forget to plan snacks with these items also.

      Basically, you will find most of what you want on the perimeter of the store, you won’t need to go up and down the aisles that much.

      Most of the stuff you mention here can be helped by proper hydration every day. It could be just my experience, but most of the diabetics I have met refused to drink water.
      “Oh, I drink water!”
      When?
      “I had a glass of water yesterday!”
      nope.
      The diabetics in my family would get the tiniest glass on the shelf, “See, I am drinking water.” sigh.

      Part of the refusal I think is problems with urgency. But those problems pass once the body gets used to have water on a regular basis. Until the problem passes, just factor in more bathroom stops during the day. Which is another point, many of the diabetics I know have a list of reasons not to go to the bathroom. My MIL could make an 8 hour car trip and never use the bathroom. This is so unhealthy. It’s normal to have to pee every 2-4 hours. Don’t ignore the call of nature, you might win today but in the long run all that ignoring will cost you.

      1. Little Paws*

        I do try to drink plenty of water. I drink Essentia alkaline water, at least a few liters a day. I don’t drink soda or juice. I also gave up coffee. I only drink water now. The doctor did warn me that I’d be making more restroom trips as the blood pressure medication is a diuretic. My mother has been a huge soda drinker for her entire life. She barely drank water. She’s on dialysis now and has to watch her fluid intake, but seeing her drink soda all those years and seeing what those choices have done to her health, I haven’t touched soda in probably 10 years. T2 diabetes is an epidemic and it is what directly caused my father’s kidney failure (his diabetes was not well controlled.) My mother’s T2 diabetes is more well controlled, but she still ended up on dialysis.

        I think the idea of shopping the perimeter of the store is a great way to look at it! Fruits, veggies, fish, and throw in some healthy fats/oils. My biggest thing is getting up and out and moving. I’m in Massachusetts, so hopefull winter will be over soon. I can get outdoors and go for daily walks around my neighborhood in the evenings. I will also try to take more “walking breaks” at work throughout the day.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I agree with what fposte and NSNR are saying. Unless you’ve been told you should do the ketogenic diet, I think the easiest thing to do–meaning not a lot of thinking involved–is to shop the perimeter of the store as much as possible. Doesn’t mean you can’t have bread or pasta, but if that’s the main part of your diet now, I’d cut way down on that, since those types of carbs can raise your blood sugar. It will be hard at first, but after a few days you’ll be feeling better. Good luck!

    4. nep*

      Cutting out the junk/processed stuff and getting regular exercise sounds like a winning formula. (How close or far are you from doing those right now?)
      Consistency is your best friend. Along those lines, you want to create some habits you can maintain as a lifestyle.

      1. Little Paws*

        My diet isn’t too bad right now. It could be better, of course, but I’ve already cut out a lot of desserts/sweets some time ago I’ve said my goodbyes to bread and pasta. I do have those sandwich wraps so I can make tuna/veggie wraps for lunch, but that’s about it. I don’t eat fast food, I haven’t for a long time. I have hardly any physical activity and right now I think that’s the biggest issue. I’m hoping that with Spring just around the corner, I will feel more motivated to get out and walk on a daily basis.

        1. TL -*

          Diet and exercise are two separate components of health with individual benefits – you can’t diet your way out of the need to exercise. And there’s a lot of evidence showing exercise is preventative for T2D and other metabolic disorders, separate from weight loss or dietary changes.
          Honestly, I would join a gym until the warmer weather comes, just to walk on a treadmill or go for easy swims.
          Also, break up the sitting: do laps around your office building or walk to a coffee place a few times a day. You can’t undo ten hours of sitting with 1 bout of exercise; try to work in movement throughout the day.

          1. nep*

            I once read — for one hour of sitting, do 30 kettlebell swings. Gotta get those glutes working. (The kettlebell swing is certainly a technique that’s got to be learned. It’s a great exercise. But in any case agree with TL — whatever the movement, move regularly throughout a day of sitting.)

        2. Short & Dumpy*

          Switching to a totally sedentary job was the death knell in my weight/health battles for a long time. A doc finally told me to set an alarm on my phone to go off every hour & run up/down the stairs in our office for even 2 minutes. It hasn’t done much for my weight, but it’s done great things for my blood pressure. (No one at my office minds…it’s generally accepted that it’s good for people to get away from their computer screens for a few minutes so their eyes don’t go buggy & brains don’t melt!)

          I despise the gym, am NOT a morning person, am too tired when I get home these days, and the climate in our new location is absolutely foul…there’s only about 2 months of the year that aren’t either freezing or humid ovens. I really needed to find something to do during the day & so far I’ve been pretty good at this. Not sure that it’s the ONLY reason…leaving the Job from Hell helped too…but my BP has dropped back solidly into the normal range, I’m no longer even remotely pushing the diabetic line, and cholesterol looks great. They’d been about to put me on BP medication so I’m happy!

  94. Justin*

    I mentioned the final interview for an EdD program…. and I was accepted! Yay! I’m so excited.

    I also ran my 15th half marathon today (NYC half), not my best time (actually 10th out of 15) but first after two pretty bad injuries this winter (I sliiightly fractured my skull and then hurt my back) so it’s been a good week.

    1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

      Yo another NYC Half runner!

      From what I’ve heard from my more experienced friends, they made the course much hillier this year – which slowed a lot of people down. The temperature being just below freezing and windy didn’t help either. On the way back a lot of people were talking about how brutal it was. So it’s more difficult than it was last year.

      Basically…between everything you’ve been through this winter and the course changes and the weather, you did pretty well!

      1. Justin*

        Yeah I’ve done it 5 times now, this was a twice as hard course. I think the 42nd st hill and the bridge added several minuutes to most times. Congrats to you too!

        1. Llama Grooming Coordinator*

          Thanks!

          The bridge wasn’t so bad, but the FDR was…painful, because it was exposed and I think the pacer sped up on the second 5K. Actually, the last 10 miles were painful for me.

          I actually PRed by 10 minutes, but that’s because this is my second half, and I really wasn’t ready for my first last year. (Went from 1:30 to 1:20, but basically I did a LOT of stuff wrong at my first one. And I really upped my training this winter.)

          1. Justin*

            Wow great time! 1:20 is my PR, at this race two years ago. (Yes, I’m getting slower, but I’m okay with that – I don’t have endless time to train since I got married and a more demanding job etc.)

  95. Someone else*

    Does anyone have any experience with martial arts classes for adults? Not necessarily for actual self-defense purposes. I haven’t gone into full research mode yet but I’m finding a lot that’s really only aimed at either small children, unsurprising, or adults who’ve been studying since they were small children. If you have any experience in this area:
    Do you recommend one style vs another (ie, judo, karate, tae kwon do)?
    Is it common for adults with zero experience to start classes?
    Any other advice? I’m thinking about doing this.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Tae kwon do is a good place to start. I took it for a while, as an adult, with no experience in any martial art whatsoever. Unfortunately, I couldn’t continue after I was laid off from a job so I didn’t get very far. It’s not hard at the beginning, though it does require discipline. I like sports and activities like this because progress is very measurable.

    2. Lily Evans*

      As far as a place to learn, are there any large colleges around you? Those sometimes have fitness centers that offer classes to members of the local community and the students are all at least 18.

        1. Someone else*

          For reasons I do not understand, all the adult classes at the ymca near me are weekdays between 9a and noon.I guess they must be expecting retirees or SAHP.

    3. Mephyle*

      If you are not necessarily looking for actual self-defense, and you are interested in a variety of styles or at least not any one style in particular, consider a fitness class that uses movements from a variety of martial arts. Two that I know of are Les Mills Body Combat and Mossa Group Fight. They’re basically aerobics classes, but instead of using dance-like and classic aerobics moves, all the moves are taken from different martial arts.

  96. House Hungry*

    I am so tired of renting apartments but I am in no position to afford a house. I’m single so its just my income which is not terrible but still not enough for a house in this economy. I currently split rent with a friend but I desperately want my own place and to live alone. I’m working on paying off credit card debt (from when I was less responsible with) and I’ve made a pretty good dent and I’m working on savings but it is still paltry. At this rate I feel like I won’t be able to afford a house until I retire.

    I hate apartment living especially with thin walls and neighbors who smoke.

    Ugh.

    1. Nicole76*

      I can commiserate – I’m tired of shared walls and neighbors who smoke as well. I’d love a house as well but the property taxes are so high.

    2. anon24*

      I can commiserate as well! My next door neighbors are so sweet but have a toddler and a baby – not quiet at all. My downstairs neighbors smoke cigarettes all damned day and even when they smoke outside it doesn’t matter because they do it right under my windows and ventilation system so the only way to not smell it is to shut the windows and turn off the heat or ac. Not cool. My neighbors across the hall have 2 loud dogs and smoke pot every day. I’m sick of hearing and smelling other people.

    3. Anon and alone*

      Ah, yes, apartment living. Where I have to hold my breath going through the front lobby because of the overpowering scent of the not-yet-legal smoking product (Canadian – so it will be legal sometime this summer). Other than that, my building isn’t that bad and the rent’s cheap. When I win the lottery jackpot, I’m gone.

    4. Lady Jay*

      I feel you. I just committed to grad school, which I’m excited about it, but it means it will be another 5-7 years before I can own my own home. I imagine I’ll be 40 before I purchase a house.

      Sigh

    5. Overeducated*

      I hear you! Fortunately my neighbors in the current place are good, but I would just like the stability of owning without inevitable rent hikes, and I want luxuries like a piano (not so good for a walk up) and in unit laundry. Unfortunately living in the DC area and not being a corporate lawyer or consultant, I will be able to buy approximately never.

  97. Elizabeth West*

    Very late to the party today!

    The organizer of the writing network group I joined has been beta-reading Tunerville 50 pages at a time. Yesterday she sent some suggestions back regarding a major character issue that got the full manuscript rejected (hey, getting a critique from an agent is actually a good thing). I think I FINALLY know how to fix it. Gah. Not only that, she had the same issue with hers and said reading it set off the light bulb for her, too.

    This is so much help, I can’t even tell you. I wish I could have done this a year ago. I might be published by now. I love this book; it’s nothing groundbreaking, but I really do, and I have the two sequels planned out all the way through. It’s not Harry Potter but we all have that dream of literary superstardom, heh heh.

    And the best part? She’s enjoying it–or so she says. It’s really gratifying to hear “I can’t wait to see what happens next!” :)

    1. nep*

      How wonderful. Well done.
      No looking backward. Forward only.
      All the best as you progress. Thanks for keeping us posted.

  98. Maybe...Dentures?*

    Waiting around for tomorrow, so I can call for my second emergency orthodontist appointment in a week. Shit just keeps breaking in my face. *cymbal shot*

    I am so over this, and no longer care about having a nice smile. It’s not like I’ll have a reason to smile, when I’m going through PTO like a dumpster fire by having constant appointments. I’ve already burned 1/3 of my time off for the year, just on my teeth.

    1. nep*

      Commiseration here. I don’t know the exact nature of your dental problems, but I and my few remaining teeth can relate.
      It’s such a stressful thing. I’m glad you’re able to get this addressed.
      Wishing you good outcomes.

    3. Horizon*

      Oh no, I’m sorry! I had braces as an adult and while I have had many, many dental emergencies, I never had an orthodontic one.

  99. Anon and alone*

    I would like to thank the following people for their advice and encouragement when I posted on October 28, 2017 at 3:10 pm, that I was writing a story featuring a real person just for my own amusement. Amber Rose, MissDissplaced, HannahS, KatieKate, Ramona Flowers, Stellaaaaa, Elizabeth West, SophieChotek, RestlessRenegade, Traveling Teacher, and Catherine from Canada. I would compare this to having an itch on the bottom of your foot, while wearing boots. Annoying as all heck until you can scratch it, though Traveling Teacher also put it quite well “I totally know the feeling of how sometimes you just can’t get a ridiculous story out of your head unless you write it!” The reason why I’m thanking all of you is because it’s done. Now to borrow an idea from Elizabeth West:
    *Rests a virtual shovel over her shoulder as she carries The Story into the forest to bury deep, in a hidden location.*

  100. gyms*

    Late to the game but I went to check out a new gym in my neighborhood (a planet fitness) and they wanted my id and to put me in the system before they’d even let me have a tour. It felt excessive and invasive. I get it, they want to be able to market to me directly but I mean, I was there in person, which surely shows more than casual interest. This is not a high end gym. I had pretty much decided to join but this really turned me off. Was I out of line?

    2. nep*

      That is a pain. I don’t know why gyms don’t see that this is a turn-off and precisely what they should not be doing with someone who’s showing an initial interest…not what they want to be doing if they want to build on that interest. Not good practice at all. Any gym owners or managers or membership specialists out there listening?
      The two are different cases — but this makes me think of when I called a chiropractic office recently to make an appointment to redeem one of three gift certificates I have for a full body massage. The receptionist asked whether I have insurance. Clearly their point of selling gift certificates is to get people in there so they can do the sales pitch — have the doctor find some abnormality and try to sell me a year of adjustments. No deal.

      1. nep*

        (I could be wrong about that last point, but it sure feels like they’re just trying to lasso me in.)

    3. Theodoric of York*

      I agree with kc89. I guess for similar situations in the future, remember that you are the customer and have the upper hand. After all, they’re trying to sell you a service. It took me awhile to figure this out. I didn’t want to be unpleasant.

      1. nep*

        ‘I didn’t want to be unpleasant.’
        There is so much in that little sentence. I don’t mean to throw this off the rails here…Just the timing is really something because I’m doing a lot of work on this — Stating my mind and saying what I mean [insert ‘does not equal’ symbol here] being rude and unpleasant. It’s a work in progress, but damn does it feel great to liberate myself. Whether it’s the conversation with the gym staffer who goes into sales mode or another ‘heavier’, more intimate interaction — saying what I mean is oxygen.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Nope, not out of line. I’d walk out.
      From the business POV, I understand wanting to separate serious customers from lookie-loos. But the point of taking a tour is to see if I want to be in their system!

    5. selenejmr*

      I’m glad mine didn’t do that when I went to check them out. If they had I probably wouldn’t have done the tour much less joined.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Gyms are notorious for signing people up to memberships and then making it difficult to get out of them. So no, don’t give them anything if you’re just checking it out! In fact, anything that insists you hand over credit card or personal info just to browse is sending out a big fat red flag.

      If you live in a mid-sized to larger city, check out your parks and rec department facilities. They often have gyms that you can use for a small fee whenever you go in, or you can buy a membership. My city is mid-sized and we have several facilities. They’re very well-equipped.

  101. Chilleh*

    Does anyone have tricks to handling irritability associated with chronic pain?

    I was diagnosed about six months ago with frozen shoulder syndrome and the pain is consistently getting worse. I’ve been managing it with Tylenol and Advil, but there are times where the pain is wearing off or particularly bad and I find myself getting snippy about stuff my partner does that normally wouldn’t bother me.

    I haven’t been sleeping great but have been working on ways with my PT to improve. I’m guessing that is playing a part, too. I work full time with the condition and I’m usually incredibly drained at the end of the day and spend the weekend recuperating my energy.

    I have another year to year and a half of this left and would love any advice anyone who has been in a similar situation has to give. I really want to have all of the tools I can to stop myself from being irritable at the people I love, who are doing so much for me and don’t deserve it.

    1. nep*

      I hope they all understand that you are not angry at them but irritable because of your pain. Sounds like they’re being supportive.
      What do you mean by ‘I have another year to year and a half of this left’ — do you mean this schedule?
      (I mentioned deep breathing above in another thread — it sounds perhaps over-simplistic and I’m sure others will have better suggestions. But deep belly breathing helps me calm down.)
      All the best. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

    2. Short & Dumpy*

      I have fibromyalgia and then threw on a back injury a couple years ago for added fun.

      I do a lot of self-care now…things like taking extra long hot showers, spending hours reading a favorite book, etc. I’ve had to reprioritize and sometimes sitting w/ a book and an adult beverage takes priority over the yard looking nice or cobwebs in the corners.

      I also just tell hubs when I’m having a rough day & that I’d really rather Not Have To Deal. Those nights, he just quietly makes dinner, takes care of the critters, and leaves me in whatever room I’m hiding in. Not having to pretend that everything is great is a huge weight off, that makes me stress less. He’d much rather know how to support me (socialize, leave me alone, cuddle, whatever) than guess wrong, I just had to get over the guilt of saying what I needed.

      I’ve also had to accept that being touched is frequently very very not good and that even casual hugs in my office or from friends was taking a big mental energy toll on me. I constantly was on mental edge without realizing it, preparing to be hurt by someone who was excited to see me. I finally have everyone in my life trained to not touch me unless I initiate it. It took my spouse pointing out that I was snapping at my grandma (whom I love) on any visit longer than a couple hours for me to figure it out…it’s because she’s a hugger. I felt awful telling her that I need to live in physical space bubble, but it’s made our relationship much better again. (And I do hug her still…I just need to initiate)

      But the single, #1, most important thing…is sleep. Which is sooooooo hard to get. I have learned there is nothing I can sacrifice sleep for. If my spouse is keeping me up, then one of us sleeps in the other room. Dogs were banned from the bedroom. I changed my schedule at work to come in half an hour later.

      Good luck!

    3. Red Reader*

      My husband gets cranky and snappish because of emotional health issues, not physical ones — and then I get snappish back because I didn’t do anything wrong, so why is he being snotty at me — but what we’re working on, for both of us, is remembering that we’re on the same team. For me, that’s being understanding, remaining calm when I remind him that I’m not what he’s pissy about, and giving him his space when he needs it, and for him, that’s reminding himself to not be taking his internal crank out on me, not telling me he’s fine when he’s clearly not, and telling me when he needs space instead of trying to push through it and going all downhill. It was super important to me that I have the (permission isn’t the right word, but … clearance? I dunno) to call him out when he’s treating me more poorly than he should be, because that’s not okay, but super important to him that I try to be calm when I do it, because otherwise we just kind of end up escalating each other and nobody wins.

      So I guess what I’m getting at is, find a point somewhere soon where you have the spoons to have a discussion with your partner and figure out between the two of you what you each need to make the situation tenable, and what’s negotiable and what’s really not. (Example of absolutely not okay: He does not get to give me the silent treatment. He can tell me he’s having a rough time and needs space and I will back the heck off without needing details, but he doesn’t get to just go dark without telling me he’s doing so first.) Hashing it out with partner may also help identify easier ways to handle situations with other folks, without having to full-on sit down and have the same discussions with anyone else.

    4. Mm Hmm*

      Ouch, I’m sorry. When my shoulder froze up that arm had about a six inch range of motion left. Frustrating as well as painful. Does your PT do soft tissue manipulation (e.g. Cranio-sacral, myofascial release)? That helped. Best was finding someone who also trained in orthopedic massage. A few sessions with her & my range of motion increased radically. A few more brought me to full rotation. (She trained with James Waslaski, his website may have a list of practitioners if you decide you’re interested.) When my neighbor’s shoulder froze she went to PT sessions that left her in tears. When she finally tried my massage person she couldn’t believe the difference – it wasn’t painful & she gained rotation at every session. So know that that is possible.

      As to pain, my best relief was from “energy work.” A friend’s reiki treatments bought me relief for hours, & then days at a time when nothing else would touch it. Next best was a purring cat on my shoulder. Aspirin etc made no discernible improvement.

      Wish I had tips on managing irritability & chronic pain, mostly what I have for you is sympathy.

      Here’s hoping your team can bring you relief & a return to full function soon. A year is a long time to be miserable.

    5. Anon for medical issues*

      I’ve found mindfulness meditation and breathing exercises really helpful when I’ve started to get worn down by my chronic illness. I’ve been there. It sucks. It’s not a cure-all, but it has helped.

      1. Sabine the Very Mean*

        Transcendental meditation works literal miracles. Most cities have learning centers. TM.org.

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