weekend free-for-all – May 4-5, 2019

by Alison Green on May 4, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Lights All Night Long, by Lydia Fitzpatrick. An exchange student from Russia spends a year in America after a tragedy befalls his family at home.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    1. Lemonwhirl*

      Have you read any of Tana French’s books? Her Dublin Murder Squad series is not really a sequential series as much as a group of books that populate the same universe. A minor or side character from one book becomes the narrator/main character of the next book in the series. There might be mild spoilers for the previous book, but I am not super-spoiler-averse, so I don’t think they necessarily need to be read in order. Something like “The Secret Place” definitely falls under the “book-clubby and not too fluffy” umbrella. But if you don’t like reading out of sequence, “The Witch Elm” is a stand-alone book and with a lot of twists, turns, and interesting themes.

      1. Anna Vine*

        Commenting just to say I LOVE Tana French. I think her ability to write different voices and character is second to none. Have you read her latest?

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          Yes….well, I listened to it. I listen to all her books. They are amazing when read out loud.

          I find it very interesting that she was an actress and directly attribute that to her facility with voice and character.

              1. Jack Russell Terrier*

                I check the audiobooks out of the library using overdrive – love em, and the audiobooks are very done.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I read that at the beginning of the year. Apparently it’s the first in a series with the same detective.

      3. Cosima*

        I’ve read all three of her books (The Dry, Force of Nature, and The Lost Man). The first two are with the same main character. I liked them all a lot but The Dry and The Lost Man are a bit repetitive as far as setting and themes go. Force of Nature was my favorite.

    3. Traveling Teacher*

      I’m re-reading Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood and just loving it. I watched the miniseries on Netflix last year (also loved) and decided it had been too long since I last read it.

      Also starting Barkskins by Annie Proulx. Dense read but very good. All about the state of the forests in the “new world” from French voyageur presence through today and stories of the families descended from that epoch.

      I’m also doing a CAL (crochet along) inspired by the book, which is on the blog and FB page of ASpoonfulofYarn. The CAL happened last year, but I only now have time to do it. Hooray for mat leave! Just hoping the baby waits one more week to come till my due date….

      1. CTT*

        I just finished Alias Grace last week and loved it! I had seen the show first, and I think they complement one another nicely. One review I read of the show said that visually it’s a love letter to Canada in a way the book couldn’t really be. But the book was just lovely and harrowing.

    4. Eilyk*

      I just re-read Rebecca by Daphne DeMaurier. 4 stars, a great Gothic mystery although a bit dated now in terms of how women were treated.

      1. PhyllisB*

        If you like Rebecca, you need to read Heroes are My Weakness by Susan Elizabeth Phillips. A modern Gothic.

    5. FD*

      I’m listening to the Safehold books by David Weber.

      Definitely a YMMV series but I’m enjoying it a lot.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        How are those as a listening experience? I’m definitely a reader rather than a listener (I even turn on captions when watching video), and I find that series kind of dense at times, where I have to stop and visualize something or sometimes look up what a word means (David Weber is one of the very few popular fiction authors that I actually learn new words from while reading). There are also times when I just can’t care that much about the specific detail he’s talking about and start to read more quickly.

        It seems like it would be challenging as a listen just because you couldn’t go faster and slower as needed like that. I do enjoy the series, though.

        1. FD*

          They changed audiobook readers a few times. You’ve got one reader who does books 1-2 and 7-9, one who reads 3-4, one who reads 5, one who reads 6 (DO NOT get that one, the reader is awful), and one for the most recent book 10. It’s sort of annoying that the audiobook reader changes, and the pronunciation isn’t consistent across readers.

          That said, I can deal with it for everything but Book 6.

          Personally, I find they’re better to listen to than to read, but part of that is that I have a hard time reading them due to the way I read. I have a touch of dyslexia so I adapted a bit. I don’t sound words out in my head; I basically encode them with first letter, last letter, and a vowel in the middle.

          Needless to say this scheme DOES NOT WORK especially well in series where there are a lot of similar names. Which…yeah.

          1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

            Ouch, yeah, first-vowel-last would be a totally non-viable strategy for keeping track of characters in the Safehold books! I struggle with keeping the characters straight as well, and often find that I have to slow down and sound out the names of minor characters to even have a shot at it.

            I struggle with keeping track of large casts of characters in general though. I generally can keep track of maybe 15-20 humans or 5 elves (where by “elves” I actually mean “characters with goofy fantasy names that I have trouble parsing”, although books with lots of elves in them are often the worst for this). This is one reason that I tend to read more SF than fantasy, since the names are usually, but not always, easier for me to keep track of in SF.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I’m reading Gideon’s Corpse by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. The Gideon Crew series is OK, but I feel like it doesn’t have the same quality writing as the Pendergast series they write.

      1. VlookupsAreMyLife*

        Just finished up “My Lovely Wife,” by Samantha Downing – psychological thriller, highly recommend it! Would be great for a book club/discussion group.

        Two books that were highly touted, but I couldn’t get into: “Educated” by Tara Westover and “Where the Crawdads Sing” by Delia Owens.

        2. PhyllisB*

          It took me a while to get into Where The Crawdads Sing but once I did, I really enjoyed it. The one I just read that I wasn’t too enthused about is The Weight of a Piano by Chris Cander. To me, it did not live up to the hype.

          1. VlookupsAreMyLife*

            That’s interesting because I started out really liking WTCS, then felt it slipped away toward the end. The “twist” was unsatisfying and the last 1/3 of the book seemed rushed.

    7. Book Lover*

      Finished Magicians Impossible but sadly can’t recommend it. Almost the whole time I wondered if there was supposed to be a sarcastic and knowing undertone to it and decided that there wasn’t and it is just derivative and more interested in cool imagery than in a good story.

    8. WellRed*

      Currently reading a Swedish crime novel by a newly discovered (to me) author. Have the latest Jonathan Kellerman waiting at the library. Finished the latest Fay Kellerman last week. I miss when she wrote her books like she wasn’t sick of the characters.

      1. New ED*

        I can’t believe she’s still writing these books! I started reading them in high school almost 25 years ago. I stopped reading at least 10 years ago when it seemed like she exhausted the character arc.

    9. Lady Jay*

      Just finished Octavia Butler’s Wild Seed–my second Butler book (first was Xenogenesis) & a great read; she does uncanny sci-fi so well.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        If you liked those then I really recommend Kindred by Butler. I enjoyed it so much that I read it in a day because I couldn’t put it down. Dana is such an interesting character.

    10. WhatHappensInvegas*

      I know Irish (or British) “cuisine” is sometimes considered an oxymoron; but the bacon and cabbage meal I had at an Irish pub in one of the strip hotels in Las Vegas was absolutely the tastiest meat I had ever had from a pig. Still would consider it destination dining.

    11. Library Page (but in which book?)*

      I just read Moo by Jane Smiley. Some of the characters are the same ones that get written about in questions to AAM! It’s a sly, behind the scenes look at academia, research, tenure, funding and politics.

    12. Emily*

      The most recent book I finished is The Black Tides of Heaven by JY Yang. Pretty interesting fantasy worldbuilding, but shorter/faster-paced than I wanted – it’s really more of a novella.

      Within the past few years, I’ve noticed myself wanting more out of several of the novella-length books and/or shorter YA novels that I’ve read – I guess my personal preferences have shifted towards slightly longer, fuller narratives?

    13. Nicki Name*

      Just finished Trial By Treason, a magical murder mystery set about a century after the Norman conquest of England. Terrific stuff. Now very sad that the author died last year. :(

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I loved it and couldn’t put it down. I thought it was nuanced, beautifully written, not at all straightforward… Just loved it.

        1. PhyllisB*

          I’m enjoying it so far. At first I was irritated at all the cliches and slang. But one that really tickled me was about having both pot and window. If you don’t know what that means, ask a Southern friend to explain,

      2. Luisa*

        I read that last year (I think? Whatever year it came out.) and I really, really enjoyed it.

    15. Librarian here*

      I’m in the middle of Elizabeth McCracken’s Bowlaway, which I am both listening to in the car and reading. The audio is read by Kate Reading, who is sublime as always, and McCracken’s just the best. The subject matter almost doesn’t even matter (though it’s a great story) – her use of language is so delightful. I’m trying to stretch it out but I suspect I will finish it this weekend.

      1. Bluebell*

        I’ve finished the first hundred pages or so. Trying not to rush through it. I love her writing.

    16. HamlindigoBlue*

      Currently reading A Woman of No Importance by Sonia Purnell. It’s about the WWII spy, Virginia Hall.

    18. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

      Do It Yourself mystery series by Jennie Bentley. It’s cute.

    19. MsChanandlerBong*

      Just finished “The Silent Patient.” It was a pile of garbage, and I can’t believe it’s a bestseller and has so many good reviews. Now I’m working on another book from the Body Farm series.

      1. BikeLover*

        I agree! I couldn’t even finish, which is very unusual for me. I keep looking at those glowing reviews and wondering if I read the same book.

    20. Always Anon*

      Currently reading My Dear Hamilton. Historical fiction, the Alexander Hamilton story told from the point of view of his wife. It’s excellent. Have also been listening to memoirs on audio book. I highly recommend those by Michelle Obama, Neil Patrick Harris, and Sally Field.

    21. Just us chickens*

      I read My Ex-Life by Stephen MacAuley, based on an episode of NPR’s Fresh Air. It’s sweet, nothing depressing and I think would be a good book club book.

    22. AdAgencyChick*

      About to finish “American Gods,” which started out great and isn’t quite as good through the middle, but it was enough to keep me reading.

      1. Luisa*

        Related (ish), I just started rereading Good Omens in preparation for the series later this month! I’ve only read the book twice before, but when my mom and I first read it (at the same time, over 10 years ago), we immediately started discussing our casting choices for the movie/series we were sure would eventually be made. We picked Hugh Grant to play Crowley back then, but agree that David Tennent is a great choice!

    23. What the What*

      I just finished The Witch Elm by Tana French (good read) and Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb which was a wonderful non fiction book. Very entertaining and insightful.

    24. Marion Ravenwood*

      I just finished a YA novel called Anna and the French Kiss. It’s a pretty predictable plot (girl moves to France for her senior year, meets dreamy French-American-British boy who happens to have a girlfriend, cue falling in love) but it’s very well-written and just the type of light and fluffy thing I needed after a fairly intense week.

      Now I’m reading Circe by Madeline Miller, which I’m really enjoying so far.

  2. Olly Oxen*

    What would teach someone who wanted to learn to cook but was a real beginner? My roommate wants help learning to cook. His skill level currently is he can make things like spaghetti and omelets but nothing past that basic level. I’m excited to help him and consider myself a pretty good cook but can’t decide where to start. I suggested we flip through recipe books together but he seemed overwhelmed.

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      On Youtube, somebody has uploaded “How to cook” by Delia Smith. Each episode starts with basic techniques, so the very first one is about cooking eggs, then dishes with egg whites or egg yolks for example.

      2. Batgirl*

        Her book of the same name is how I learned to cook. It’s divided into handy sections for beginners like ‘sauces’ and ‘cooking meats’, uses simple ingredients that won’t cost the earth or go to waste, assumes no knowledge (goes over how to boil an egg for different yolk softness), but each section still has a number of recipes which are quite exciting and special.
        Oh! The first chapter is a really sensible one about equipment. You learn a) the names of the tools b) which ones are truly necessary.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      I would start from spaghetti sauce and work outwards using the same techniques – start with a basic tomato meat sauce, then a chili con carne, then a beef or chicken stew, then a curry. The techniques are very similar (sauteeing onions, browning meat, adding vegetables and a liquid, simmering and seasoning), but by varying the ingredients and seasonings he can learn the “how to cook” part, rather than simply trying to follow random recipes. Along side that can be basic side dishes – boiled pasta, steamed rice, baked or mashed potatoes, a garden salad, steamed vegetables.

    3. Grace*

      I don’t know if you’ve seen anything by Andrew Rea (Binging with Babish on YT – he’s fantastic and very funny) but he has a series called Basics with Babish – soups, pasta sauces, tikka masala, quesadillas, risotto, things like that. Even his Binging series (recreating foods from movies and TV shows) has Easy/Difficult/Vegetarian/Carnivore/etc playlists.

      Since binge-watching a YT playlist seems less… hard-core cookery(?) than going through recipe books, maybe suggest that he check out things like that and see what interests him? There are a lot of different channels, but my first thought was Basics since it’s explicitly targeted towards people who want to cook like he does but have no idea where to start.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Yes! Basics with Babish would be a great primer for someone without much experience.

      3. Loopy*

        As a fellow person who can’t cook, this does sound much less intimidating! Thanks for sharing. I want to check it out now!

    4. Everdene*

      As well as Delia, Jamie Oliver has written a couple of books about learning to cook. He takes basic concepts and then goes in different directions so the would be chef sees how a simple sauce can be turned into 3 different, tasty meals.

      There is also a book for teenagers called ‘cooking up a storm’. There are some fantastic recipies in there for any age but the author explains why to do certain things not just a list of instructions.

    5. Angwyshaunce*

      Rather than echo the already good suggestions, I will just add what helped me. Get a properly sharpened chef knife and learn/practice cutting techniques. There are obviously lots of good tutorials on YT.

      Also, if they’re looking to burn some time in front of the TV, watch cooking shows. Jacques Pépin is great for seeing technique, and Alton Brown’s “Good Eats” dives into the science of cooking.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Also make sure the student knows so tools *really*?make a difference. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I started dating someone with a restaurant background and learned that my mom’s thin steel pans were the reason I couldn’t make a fried egg without it sticking to the pan. Cast iron for the win.

    6. gecko*

      I think Good Eats is a good resource—there’s so much of it!

      Also, you two could cook together. My mom taught me to cook by cooking something, and as I helped, she’d explain what she was doing, and I got to practice.

      Why don’t you include him in making a few of your regular dinners? It’s going to be more valuable for him to cut stuff, stir stuff, and measure stuff for regular food than for a special recipe.

      1. Trixie*

        Second suggestion for Good Eats. While we may recognize what ingredients work well together, I love how Alton Brown also explains the process in a style similar to Mystery Science Theatre.

        1. ThatGirl*

          He also has a few cookbooks that are more like textbooks, if technique and flavor are more interesting than recipes.

    7. Blue Eagle*

      My cousin said he learned to cook by ordering the Home Chef cooking boxes. They came with all of the ingredients needed and easy to follow instructions and make a complete meal, not just one part of the meal (like a regular recipe would do). Then after getting boxes every other week for about 3 months, he had a good collection of easy meals that he could pick and choose from himself.

    8. Peggy*

      In 10 years I’ve gone from being able to make spaghetti and bake chocolate chip cookies to being a seasoned home cook. My tips:
      A) watch food shows that get you excited about cooking. Whether it’s a top chef type show (aspirational, high end food competition) or a pioneer woman type show (here’s how to make this specific item, explained in a not-intimidating way), just watch people making food. You pick up a lot. Netflix is the best at this point – mind of a chef, chef’s table, salt fat acid heat, and a billion other cooking or food appreciation shows.
      B) try a cookbook that really explains food and cooking and not just recipes. Personally I think salt fat acid heat is one of the best books out there; Samin Nosrat is a genius at breaking down really important information and masterful tips and sharing it in a casual, fun to read way.
      C) a box like plated or blue apron does help if you’re starting at the beginning. You learn a lot and it’s easier than following a recipe book because some of the work is already done for you. We’re both excellent cooks in our house but we get plated probably 8x a year when we feel like we’re in a rut and eating out too much or cooking the same things over and over.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes to watching a lot of food shows! I watched the Food Network a lot over the years and I didn’t realize how much I’d picked up until I was making something (don’t remember what) and my sister asked me, “How did you know how to do that and what would happen?” By watching TV!

        Oh, and reading cookbooks is helpful, too. I admit that when I buy a cookbook, I tend to read it rather than cook from it. I do on occasion, but I much prefer reading the recipes and techniques. I’d suggest the roommate checking some out from the library, then if he likes them, buy them. I’ve done that a few times and it’s helped me avoid spending money on a cookbook that wasn’t as good (for me) as others had said.

    9. Ranon*

      Omelettes is a pretty good start! Eggs are tricky, if he has repeat success with them he’s got a better foundation than he realizes.

      What does he like to eat and how much prep time does he want to spend? Lots of simple recipes can teach a skill or two without throwing him totally into the deep end, but it’s always more fulfilling to make food you really like to eat.

      Things like refried black bean tacos (using black beans from a can) with, say, a light cabbage slaw (cabbage + lime + salt) are really easy but also feel like a real meal. Budget Bytes has recipes that are pretty consistently low to moderate complexity and has a wide range, so that might be a recipe source if you’re providing instruction.

    10. HannahS*

      What does he want to make? Start there. Does he want to learn how to make a beef stew? Maybe a nice salad with homemade dressing to go with the omelette? Roasted vegetables? Pasta primavera, now that it’s spring? Start with what he’d like to eat. Another way to look at it is, does he want to learn how to make quick, healthy, weeknight basics? Or a three course meal to impress a date? Or Italian food, or Thai food?

    11. BRR*

      Maybe start with his favorite dishes? Or maybe start with more simple recipes that websites would call like “30 min dinners” or “easy weeknight dinners.”

    12. Jett*

      Recipes dot com often have videos attached to recipes. The way I am teaching my son to cook is by having him choose something he loves to eat, then using the recipe. I know I’m there to help, but when it’s something he is excited about eating I try not to interfere with him. Making a favorite dish seems like a good place to start. My favorite cookbooks are Thug Kitchen, and the China Study Cookbook. Good luck!

    13. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Soup is a good thing to start with, if he likes soup. Soups are usually easy to make, won’t necessarily require cutting and chopping (which is personally my least favorite part of cooking — many supermarkets sell pre-cut fresh ingredients and some recipes don’t need those ingredients at all), and are pretty inexpensive — so if his first couple of attempts don’t taste very good, at least not much is lost!

    14. PhyllisB*

      Taste of Home has a cookbook titled “How Do You Make?” that has tons of recipes for basics such as meatloaf, mashed potatoes, ect. That might be something useful. If he finds cookbooks overwhelming, ask him what some of his favorite dishes are and work from there. I don’t where you are located, but some of the hands-on dishes I’ve taught my children without recipes are: pot roast, potato salad, pimento and cheese (Yes, I live in the Southern USA!!) deviled eggs, corn bread, chicken salad, and cooked vegetables. If he’s interested in learning how to grill, steak, chicken, salmon are pretty easy. (My husband is the grill master in our family. I know nothing about it and would like to keep it that way.)

      1. PhyllisB*

        Funny story about potato salad: when my son was away at college he and his fraternity brothers would cook on weekends when their regular cook was off. One weekend they decided to do picnic food and he called me to ask how to make potato salad. Well, when you have been doing it for years, you forget all the little steps involved. It took ten phone calls to get that potato salad made!! :-) Thank goodness for cell phones!! He got declared potato salad king and was told from now on when they had potato salad he was in charge.

        1. PhyllisB*

          One more comment about cooking: (I’m sure I’ll think of something else before the day is over.) Be sure to tell/show him all the steps. My daughter in Chicago asked me to text her my recipe for cornbread (BTW, DO NOT EVER put sugar in cornbread. If you do, some Southern grandmother will come and take away your cornbread pan.) Anyway, I was in a van with six other ladies and was thinking on the fly when I got her text. I told her in great detail how to make it…but forgot to tell her to grease the pan before she poured in the batter. She was making it in a cast iron skillet, so you can imagine what happened. She said the crumbs were delicious.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Ah, cornbread. I plan on making it today. I’m trying to find the recipe I made a couple years ago and can’t find it, so I’m trying to find something similar. It had cheddar, scallions and bacon in it, and it was cooked in my cast iron skillet. The leftover bacon grease was the grease for the pan. So delicious!

    15. Not A Manager*

      This might be too advanced, but I love Julia Child’s The Way To Cook. She’ll give a “master recipe” for something like roast chicken, which will be extremely detailed and illustrated, and then she’ll provide additional recipes for other roasts. The additional recipes aren’t one-line “variations,” they are complete recipes in themselves, but they aren’t as super-detailed as the master recipes.

      It’s easy to think of her as a fussy, fancy cook, but actually a lot of her recipes are for basic things like roasts, soups, and simple vegetables.

      I’d start your friend off with the tutorials, etc. that other people have suggested for just getting used to being in the kitchen, but then if he likes cooking and wants to be more methodical about it, he might want to look at The Way To Cook.

    16. JediSquirrel*

      A lot of Mexican food is really easy to make, and because the Americanized versions are often variations on a theme, you can make a variety of different dishes with just a few techniques and ingredients.

      Ground beef + taco seasoning = tacos.
      Shredded chicken + taco seasoning + cheese + flour tortillas = burritos.
      Shredded chicken (or beef or pork, or vegetables) + taco seasoning + cheese + corn tortillas + sauce = enchiladas.

      You get the idea. Also, homemade refried beans are super simple and taste far better than anything out of a can.

    17. Kuododi*

      My one recommendation would be to start with recipes that are 3-4 steps at most. (Also known as “dump and stir” cooking.) I had to use that option while relearning how to cook after diabetes diagnosis. I am a respectable cook ( nothing fancy) and I found the 3-4 step recipes to keep me interested without aggravating my low frustration level. There are oodles of food blogs that cater to beginning kitchen skills just type in what he’s looking for and take it from there. Best wishes!!!

    18. Woolf Song*

      I taught my husband how to cook when we were dating (best thing I ever did in our relationship, because now he cooks for me! And he’s actually, arguably, a better cook than me now)

      Two ways I went about it:
      1. Let him pick meals that he really liked and helped him make them, even if they were complicated, so he could see what was possible and get excited about cooking. One of the first things we made together was scallion pancakes and he was awed that you could make them at home.
      2. Taught him how to taste as he cooked, so he could feel like he was really part of the creation of the dish, no matter how simple. (This is good cooking practice in general, but newbie cooks tend to just follow the recipe and only taste for the first time when they sit down to eat)

      Easy meals: various pasta sauces — pesto is easy if you have a food processor, bolognese takes time but is easy. If you have an oven, making pizza at home with store bought dough. Stirfry is fast and easy and will get him knife practice. Frittatas are also pretty versatile. Other easy things: pancakes, Shakshuka, baked potatoes, quesadillas. Smitten Kitchen is one of my favorite blogs (try the “weeknight favorite” section).

    19. BerkeleyFarm*

      If I were a woman of independent means, I’d run cooking bootcamps. It’s great that he wants to know.
      I’d start with some of the “oh you don’t have to make that from a box?” stuff – brownies, mac cheese, pizza dough – for some super easy successes. Make a salad with salad dressing to go with it.

      Then I’d do something like roast chicken/roast veggies. From there you can start to branch out.

      Techniques is what he needs and a lot of things to have in his back pocket!

      1. BerkeleyFarm*

        Techniques *are*. Sorry about that.
        Once he understands those he should be able to read recipes and put them together.

    20. Jemima Bond*

      As well as Delia Smith as recommended (although NB my mum is a veritable domestic goddess says she finds Delia sometimes uses a bit more salt than is necessary, and her oven cooking times can be on the longer side – so taste, and check your dish in the oven a bit earlier than she says, in case it’s done) how about writing down a couple of things your friend likes to eat and would make for dinner every week or so if they could. Then learn those. After all, usually people enjoy cooking because they enjoy eating what they’ve made, so it will add to your friend’s enthusiasm and encourage him to practice, because he wants his favourite tuna steak and ratatouille for dinner.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        Ooh I thought of something else – consider going to the supermarket with him to buy the fresh ingredients for his cooking lesson. If he doesn’t really cook now hell have been eating a lot of pre-prepared dishes so he’ll not harm for a few tips on how to choose basic things. Like looking out for meat content in sausages as opposed to the ones with a lot of fat and binders, how not to buy veg/salad that goes brown on Tuesday when you wanted it for Wednesday, etc etc.

    21. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Look at your local community college — ours has a culinary arts program whose facilities are also used for teen classes & summer camps.
      Town adult ed programs often have classes too– and usually request suggestions for new classes.

    22. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Late to the party… but I love Mark Bittman’s book “How To Cook Everything: The Basics” — great pics and clear step by step instructions. And the recipes are not gimmicky or too boring.
      Everyone should have a Betty Crocker cookbook for the homey everythings, but Bittman teaches you how to make simple food that will impress a date, and will make you feel accomplished. I give it to all college grads.

    23. Anon Anon Anon*

      If he likes art or chemistry, it should be easy. It’s all about understanding how things mix together and what happens under different conditions. There are categories of flavors, categories for herbs and spices, principles of how ingredients interact, etc. It’s very logical and artistic at the same time. I would approach it that way instead of learning recipes. Recipes are easy to figure out – and to modify to your taste – once you understand everything behind it.

  3. Phoenix Programmer*

    Man it’s been a tough week!
    Thankfully my sister did not take off with the kids (although she threatened it) and seems to be doing better now that she has been in our home about a week. Detox + calm house can go a long way.

    However she is now a chain smoker and although she takes many steps to mitigate my house reeks of smoke.

    My remaining kitties hate our home now and try to or successfully escape regularly. They never tried to get out before!

    My sister’s add is so bad she creates many disasters on her own. Like she’ll start laundry, forget about it, then I find it at bed time and no one can sleep because the linens are sopping wet! Plus things like leaving cleaning supplies out. Poor nephew got sprayed in the face by toddler with cleaning vinegar.

    Nephew and sister fight all the time. I had to speak to sister about her attitude towards nephew and she improved. Nephew is so mad at sister though and really says mean things to her. On the one hand, I get where he is coming from but man – he isn’t helping his cause of having her move here though!

    Finally sis has destroyed the bedtime routine. Even though toddler literally asked to lie down at 6:30pm (she’s sick too) she did not lay down until 11:30pm!

    My home is not a place where I can even get a moment’s respite and now work is going bad too (see Friday thread).

    I need a week’s vacation on a solitary island or something! I love my family but gah!

    1. LivingMyLife*

      Wow! Does sound like a rough week for you. It’s very generous of you to let your sister and her kids stay with you, but your peaceful home has turned into chaos. Is your sister getting any help with the issues that resulted in the state she is in? If she isn’t, then don’t expect much to change. What are your hopes for her and her family? Does your sister want positive changes in her life?

    2. Forestdweller*

      Sending you good vibes for strength and patience! I second that sister needs to be actively engaged in getting help and pursuing activities to improve- ADHD is a huge struggle for me, but there are a lot of strategies that help, and even if it isn’t in the budget to see a professional, there are a lot of resources online that are free and have been so helpful to me. Lists and phone timers are imperative- I make a list of all that I want to accomplish on a notebook that stays with me, and every time I start a task that requires follow up, like laundry, I set a timer on my phone. I know it sounds excessive, but I specifically name the timer and everything so I know what it is for. I’m bad about letting bedtime drag out, too- again, the timer helps tremendously. I set 3 recurring alarms: one that sounds half an hour before bedtime, one that sounds 10 minutes before bedtime, and one that goes off when it is absolutely bedtime. Again, maybe excessive for some people, but for my non-neurotypical behind, it really helps to have 3. At 30 minutes, I tell darling kiddo to finish anything she’s got going on- lay out her clothes, put her school stuff away for tomorrow, etc. At 10 minutes, I tell kiddo that we’re out of time to add anything else, so she needs to brush her teeth and put on pajamas. Usually at that point, I head into her room to wait for the last alarm. I do understand that it is a lot, but if your sister is anything like me, creating hard structure is the only way to “adult.”
      It is very generous for you to open your home, but there need to be expectation on her end. You said she improved her interactions with nephew, and that’s great. It shows she’s willing to work for change. It may be really helpful for her if you provide a written document of the expectations- kids will be in bed by this specific time, etc. so there is no excuse for not knowing what she can do to help.
      Don’t forget to take care of yourself. It is really ok to say “From this time to this time, I need to be able to step away to read/take a bath/ scream in the backyard/whatever. I need you to hold down the fort with the kids and give me this time to recharge.”
      This situation sounds very difficult. Wishing you patience and peace!

    4. fposte*

      Was the plan always that sister was going to stay with you? I only remember the kids.

      It sounds pretty intense with all of this. I know you want your sister to be okay, but you need to be okay too. Is having her there a sustainable arrangement for you?

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        What fposte said.
        At the very least, you get to make her go outside to smoke.
        Good luck. This sounds like an awful situation.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        What fposte said. Is this permanent? For your sake, your living situation has to get better.

      3. Phoenix Programmer*

        The original plan was sister finishes rehab and then moves on with me AFTER so she could move here and get on her feet.

        But because of the issue with Toddler she came hoping she can calm things down before rehab and prevent fostercare.

        The main problem is the waiting for rehab honestly. It feels line our lives are on hold until then and if we say – sorry it’s too much poof my niece and nephew are on foster care. I’m the last resource there.

        1. fposte*

          I don’t have any solution for you PP, but I wish it sounded less like a hostage situation. What does “calm things down before rehab” mean–she is on a waiting list, right? Because if not, I’m worried that “calming things down” will just take forever.

          1. Phoenix Programmer*

            I appreciate just the support and sympathy here! Even though I have gotten some ideas too.

            She is on a waiting list. She meant calm down toddler because we were at the point where we could not handle toddler without more resources.

            1. fposte*

              Oh, that’s good; I was afraid it meant that she was waiting for a magical perfect rehab moment. Obviously rehab isn’t magic, but this sounds like a legitimate holding pattern with a next step in view rather than just limbo.

  4. anon moose, anon mouse*

    So I’ve been seeing news articles and pre-release interviews everywhere about how Avengers Endgame had Marvel’s first openly gay character.

    I finally saw the movie. And wow, what an insult their “openly gay character” was to the LGBT community.

    It’s Disney doing the same thing they did with Beauty and the Beast. Saying there’s a gay character, and giving them 20 seconds of screen time, then patting themselves on the back for being woke and inclusive.

    What a slap in the face to all of us who actually want representation. This is the problem with Disney buying up all the other movie studios and streaming services. They’re going to push back on actual LGBT representation. Saying inclusivity is important but then relegating that inclusivity to a nameless one minute character and saying we can all “relate” to that more than a LGBT hero? What a cowardly way out. So far 20 of their 22 movies are about straight white dudes as the hero. Will it take another 20 movies to get an openly gay hero?

    I’m so angry right now. What a joke. I now feel betrayed that they talked this up to make more people excited. I should have known better than to trust straight people who preach about LGBT inclusivity. Never ends well.

    1. Perplexed*

      This is a sincere question, I’m not trying to provoke, and I apologize for my English. I live outside the US and where I live the openly gay character was well-received by our LGBT community. My question is: what should precisely do “an openly gay character” to satisy your expectations or the US community?

      1. Amtelope*

        Be a recurring superhero character, to start with? There are so many heroes in the Marvel Cinematic Universe now, and they are all depicted as straight. That’s really not cool.

          1. anon moose, anon mouse*

            To be honest, I don’t know how much of that was intended by the writers or Disney. There was also a big uproar about queer coding with Steve after The Winter Soldier, and I think part of it is fans being so thirsty for LGBT rep that we’re willing to look at anything with queer goggles on.

            1. TL -*

              I never read Steve as being queer coded; I always read him and Bucky as platonic soulmates. :) Though I know a few old lesbians in relationships which look exactly like Carol and Maria’s and no older gay couples, so there’s definitely some recognition bias.
              That being said, there are a few editing/framing/script choices that have me seriously believing Carol is going to come/be out in her second or third movie and I have a fairly good track record with these kind of predictions. Only time will tell, of course, but I do think Marvel is playing a long(er) game with her.

              1. Elizabeth West*

                Me either–Steve and Bucky’s relationship is more akin to BFFs who are so close they’re like brothers. They grew up together. Same with Sam and Frodo. That was never intended to be a queer relationship; it was modeled after batmen (soldiers assigned to officers who were personal body servants) during WWI and WWII. At the beginning of LOTR, Sam is Frodo’s gardener. He’s clearly not meant to be gay; he goes back to the Shire after the quest and marries Rosie Cotton.

                I’m straight, but I agree it’s long past time for an openly gay superhero. I would love it if they queered up Captain Marvel. So many people are shipping her and Valkyrie. I’d watch the hell out of that. There’s an Asian superhero in development but I’d like to see a Native one too.

          3. Person from the Resume*

            “Queer coded” is a huge part of the problem. That is not representation. That’s throwing the LGBTQ audience a bone so they can imagine a character is like them without the character being acknowledged as queer. Queer coded means character isn’t ever revealed as queer.

            Also I’m frustrated with idea that any close friendship especially close male friendships look romantic to so many people. So many people queer up straight characters on tv or in movies when characters who are straight coded like by maybe dating people of the opposite sex or something else super obvious.

            I’m gay. I’m a adult with a good job living in a blue city. I’m out. I have mostly gay friends, I talk about dating people of the same sex, I talk about wanting to marry someone of the same sex, I wear rainbows, go to Pride, and go to all kinds of gay events. I’m out. That’s the kind of representation I want. Being gay isn’t EVERYTHING but people don’t wonder if I’m gay for very long or have to interpret signals to figure it out. And it’s not because I super butch, though I am a tiny bit butch, but because I don’t play pronoun games or hide who I date.

            The character doesn’t have to say “I’m gay”. They can just say “my ex-girlfriend” or “I’m still looking for the right woman.”

      2. WS*

        Not the original poster (and not American), but personally I think that the character was fine in himself – the problem is that he was hyped up as FIRST OPENLY GAY CHARACTER YAY…oh here you go, one minute cameo so you can see that Cap is open-minded about gay people. If the character was one of many, or just quietly in the background without Marvel/Disney telling us that we should be super grateful for this representation, that would be okay.

      3. Jill*

        The way the fandom is, nothing ONE film does can satisfy every part of it. If they re-wrote one of the main characters to be LGBT there’d be complaints on how they only represent caucasian people, or if they chose one of the non-white characters they’d be accused of tokenism. If they chose a male couple there’d be complaints that lesbians aren’t represented, if they chose a female couple there’d be accusations about it being fetish for straight males. So really there needs to be a lot more of it in the fandom (or in media in general) to even come close.

        1. Curly sue*

          The trouble for me is that they went out of their way to actively remove representation of a canonically bisexual character already. Valkyrie is bi in the comics, and Tessa Thompson fought to keep and film a scene from the Ragnarok script where we see a female partner leave her room… Which then got cut in editing “for time.” It’s hard not to see that as creators of colour being pushed aside to give the props to the Russos for doing something that had already been done, and with more lasting in-universe impact.

          1. anon moose, anon mouse*

            Yes, this! The fact that they erased Valkyrie being bi so Joe Russo could personally play a one minute gay character is more than a little suspect.

            The whole thing has been handled so poorly.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            This this this.

            Although during her flashback to when Hela kills all the Valkyries and she falls back as one of her fellow warriors is struck down, there’s a LOT of subtext in her facial expression. I remember thinking how awful it was that she had to watch her lover die in front of her. It’s not as good as the removed scene would have been, though.

            1. Grace*

              There was an article in the BBC today about the ‘first gay Marvel character’ (that included fans saying pretty much what is being said in this thread) where they quoted Tessa Thompson as saying that apart from the explicitly bi scene, she deliberately played Valkyrie as bisexual – even though the directors didn’t tell her to. Sure, there’s subtext, but it’s all her doing, not a decision by the directors.

      4. FD*

        Not the OP, but a gay woman in the US.

        First, I think a lot of the frustration is that we KNOW they could get away with more. Public backlash is, unfortunately, real and a concern for a studio who at the end of the day wants to make money. But at this point, there’s been a major syndicated kids show that featured an actual same-sex wedding among two main characters, and you didn’t see parents protesting in the streets (Steven Universe). In this country, pearl-clutching and ‘think of the children’ tends to be a big thing, so if they got away with that on a kids snow, they could definitely get away with a larger role in a movie targeted towards older teens and adults. So, we know that they could push the envelope a lot more before they ran into major controversy. As a result, stuff like this feels lazy, like wanting to get the points for including a gay character without really doing any of the work.

        In a more general sense…incoming TLDR.

        Who a character is and how that affects them always informs their experience and their behavior. This is true for everyone, but in general, we tend to write from a position of assuming the most dominant narrative.

        So, for instance, let’s take a character like Gaston. His straightness informs his character arc. Not because he couldn’t be an abusive jerk if he were queer (he could be), but because he wouldn’t be a jerk in the same way. A big part of the way he’s a jerk is that he assumes that any person he desires MUST be desperate for him to notice them in return. This is shown to be generally true–most of the town’s young women do in fact feel that way. But if Gaston experienced a significant degree of same-sex attraction, it would be extremely implausible for him to have gotten to that age and never encounter a situation where he was interested in someone who wasn’t interested in return.

        Compare that to Thomas from Downton Abbey. (Spoilers? Not sure if we’re still tagging for the later seasons.) He’s an undeniable jerk at least at first, but the way that he’s a jerk is clearly informed by his sexuality. Because of the way that his attraction is dangerous, he’s developed a very ‘dog eat dog’ attitude that informs his behavior. That doesn’t excuse it, but if Thomas weren’t gay, he wouldn’t be the same character.

        In general, when movies set in the present throw in a gay character, they often fall into one of a few pitfalls. 1) They don’t give the character much character besides their sexuality–this was one issue with LeFou in Beauty and the Beast–or 2) They throw in a character without giving any thought to how their sexuality informs their character. This tends to create a character who feels…inauthentic, and kind of feels like checking a box instead of trying to tell a good story.

        (The one time I have seen #2 done well–and some people disagree with me on this–was in Star Trek Beyond. The character of Sulu is shown to have a same-sex partner and a daughter. This generally worked because Star Trek has always been portrayed as a utopian future without discrimination. Moreover, showing his family served a purpose within the narrative; Kirk sees him rejoin his family and wonders if he (Kirk) wants more. Later on, Sulu’s family is in danger on the space station which is at risk of being destroyed, and that raises the emotional stakes because the audience knows that the crew has to try and stop it or else the character’s family, as well as many unnamed people, will die.)

        1. Forestdweller*

          +++ Another gay woman in the US, and I couldn’t have said any of this better. Alllllll of it is great. Also, I did think it was done well in Star Trek Beyond, but I admit that am biased in favor of the Start Trek franchise in general.

        2. Gatomon*

          +1 It’s so important to not only have LGBTQI characters that exist but to also have them depicted as fully three-dimensional characters, like all the other straight-by-default characters. When an LGBTQI person is added in to “throw us a bone” or “test the waters,” it’s only marginally better than using sexually or gender diversity as a punchline, in my book. They are still signaling that we are not the same as our cis-gender and straight peers.

      5. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

        I mean they did film a scene which confirmed Valkyrie’s bisexuality in Ragnarök. I don’t care how much they talk about how it was cut for other reasons, it would have been reeeeeally easy to leave that in and wouldn’t have felt even half as patronising as what they did now.

      6. anon moose, anon mouse*

        Not be a nameless character that shows up for less than a minute who has no characterization beyond their sexuality and has no impact on the plot. There’s a sense, often from straight people, that we should be grateful for any small sliver of representation. But the problem is we’re still at the point where LGBT characters in fiction are still heavily stereotyped or have stories that revolve around their sexualities. Very few movies or TV shows have LGBT characters as the lead and when they do, the stories are often centered around their sexuality and nothing else. That’s slowly changing, but the change also needs to be led by the major franchises that focus on mainstream straight audiences.

        If we had a lot of LGBT heroes in a wide variety of movies, Grieving Man in the Avengers would be fine. But there are no LGBT heroes who are lead characters in franchises. The Russos were out there hyping up this character as if it were one of the superheroes, and they were talking about how the LGBT community would look at the character and see themselves reflected on the screen. No one is going to a superhero movie wanting to relate to a random nameless character. You want to see yourself in Captain America or Black Widow or Gamora or Thor. It’s basically saying, “you’re not important enough to be a hero. You get to be the nameless person in the background who doesn’t exist beyond saying I’m Gay so we can check off one more diversity quota”.

        The thing is, Marvel/Disney would have faced a lot of controversy for a superhero who was LGBT but they’re one of the few big companies who could do it and get away with it. The people who went to see the movie just because it’s a Marvel movie would have outweighed the people who protested. Homophobic markets would have just cut those scenes out of the movie, the way they did for Bohemian Rhapsody when it played in certain homophobic countries.

        Basically, it’s a gay character written by straight people who think they’re woke allies who had four movies to add in LGBT inclusion, but chose to wait for the last movie they created and do the bare minimum. And then they had the gall to get out there and tell the community that we should be happy they decided to grace us with a LGBT character, never mind that it’s incredibly patronizing. It’s sort of like “allies” who tell the community that we should be satisfied with same-sex marriage and are greedy or whiny for also wanting legal protections or the same medical care as straight people.

        It’s not enough. Not yet. We still have a long way to in regards to LGBT characters in fiction and Marvel gave a giant leap backwards for representation.

      7. pcake*

        To be a character with some personality who appears throughout a movie or TV show, and who has dialogue and isn’t created just to be a funny character.

    2. WS*

      Ugh, I feel you on that one. My bet is that they did it that way so they can easily cut out that part of the scene for other markets.

      1. Book Lover*

        Yes, I was just going to say that. In theory they could have chosen to not let it be available to markets that don’t allow gay representation. In the actual world they want to sell to everyone.

      2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

        That would make sense considering their history. My other thought was that they’re testing the waters and very quietly setting up Captain Marvel to maybe come out in a later movie. but super slowly in case they chicken out and decide not to do it.

      3. anon moose, anon mouse*

        To be honest, I find the argument Disney has aways made about not including LGBT characters in Marvel/Star Wars/Disney live action really weak. They’ve always known that certain markets would cut out any related LGBT scenes.

        Bohemian Rhapsody had a $11M opening weekend in China with LGBT scenes cut and was successful in a lot of markets where homosexuality is still outlawed. While I don’t really agree with pandering to or allowing government censorship, if that movie can be successful in a homophobic market, so can a Marvel movie. There’s no excuse of “foreign markets” any longer.

    3. I Work on a Hellmouth*

      Definitely not trying to step on your anger here, or say that anything you’ve said it less than valid. I think you’re right, and I think that just showing that LGBT people exist in the world isn’t enough. But I also wanted to say that I don’t think it’s going to be another 20 years before you get an openly gay hero in the MCU–word on the street is that there is going to be an Eternals movie, and that it will have an openly gay or bi character. I think the initial chatter was that it would probably be Hercules, although I’m not sure if there is still talk about using him or switching to someone else, and I have also read that there is a push to cast more talented openly gay/bi actors (which, eff yeah).

      Also, we have had a heck of a lot of Young Avenger-ish kids showing up in the assorted movies so far (and by 2023, when Endgame, er, ends, a lot of them are at that Let’s Start Super Hero-ing age) AND (thanks to the shenanigans of certain characters in Endgame) we have some real multiverse possibilities soooo… maybe America Chavez is on the horizon? I see a lot of set up and possibilities.

      Again, not invalidating anything anyone else has said! Just saying that I think we’re going to see more inclusivity and that it’s closer than we might realize. Of course, that doesn’t mean that everyone shouldn’t scream bloody murder until it happens.

      1. anon moose, anon mouse*

        I’ll believe it when I see it, to be honest. Disney has said similar things before about Star Wars and nothing’s happened there and I doubt it will happen in episode 9. It’s always seemed like their way of getting LGBT fans off their back for the time being.

        Considering it took them 20 movies to even get a lead that wasn’t a straight white dude, I’m not holding out too much hope for LGBT rep any time soon.

    4. Karen from Finance*

      (not from the US)

      I had missed the press around the gay character because I’d been avoiding Endgame articles like the plague. Just saw the movie this week and after seeing your comment I actually had to go back and google to see who the hell you all were talking about. I thought maybe Valkyrie or Cap Marvel had had a moment that I’d missed? But no.

      Yeah, that’s not a “character”, that’s an… NPC. What a joke.

      1. anon moose, anon mouse*

        Right?! It’s a blink and you miss it moment, like that “gay moment” from Beauty and the Beast (10 seconds of two guys dancing at the end).

        I wouldn’t be nearly this upset if they had never mentioned it in interviews, but they made such a big deal about it being the first openly gay character over here in the media that it feels more like an insult than something to be happy out.

      2. Batgirl*

        Yeah me too! All of these hints went whooshing straight over me.
        The only significant gay characters or relationships I’ve seen lately were on Star Trek Discovery or Killjoys.

        1. Karen from Finance*

          I appreciated Negasonic Teenage Warhead in Deadpool 2. And then on TV, there’s some fair representation in the Arrowverse with several characters. The most recent I’ve seen that I liked was in Umbrella Academy.

          But they’re still too cowardly to do it properly on movies, specially from Disney.

    5. dumblewald*

      Haven’t watched the movie yet but Disney bought up Marvel too?? I love Disney as much as the next person, but I’m very anti-corporate consolidation in the entertainment industry (and any industry really). There will be even less innovation and creativity, and more repetition of the same old same old. The Disney brand doesn’t and shouldn’t apply to everything.

        1. dumblewald*

          LOL I’ve definitely been living under a rock. Please excuse. But I still have the opinion about consolidation.

          1. anon moose, anon mouse*

            I agree with you about the consolidation. It’s not only representation that I have an issue with, but Disney has always been focused on making mediocre franchise movie that make money rather than truly original movies that stand alone. They just want to make 800 more movies based off Disney owned properties instead.

            The merger with Fox already saw them scrapping a lot of original movies in development under the claim that they weren’t franchises so they wouldn’t have made money. Disney never would have greenlit movies like Love, Simon or The Hate U Give, but Fox 2000 did. We’re going to see less and less of those types of movies now, and we need them more than ever.

            The fact that Disney is probably going to own Hulu as well makes me worried as well.

            1. Mari M*

              “The fact that Disney is probably going to own Hulu as well makes me worried as well.”

              Oh, great, Gilead’s going to turn into a utopia…

    6. Zona the Great*

      Wasn’t LeFou from Beauty and the beast a major character? Aren’t you talking about Josh Gad’s character? He had as much screen time as the original, I thought.

      1. anon moose, anon mouse*

        He wasn’t written as openly gay, though and the only “gay moment” was 10 seconds of him dancing with another man at the end of the movie. His “crush” on Gaston was played for laughs.

    7. BelleMorte*

      I don’t even know which character you are referring to at all.

      I do think its interesting that Marvel Studios/Disney is removing a lot of diversity of Marvel’s original characters. Like Hawkeye was hard of hearing, Valkyrie was bi, there have also been several other gay characters as far back as the 80s. This is not something in lines with Marvel’s original mission which was to represent marginalized groups and have adequate representation.
      The whole mutant thing was just a parable for racism after all.

      1. anon moose, anon mouse*

        There’s a scene where Steve is part of a therapy group and one of the male attendees mentions a date with another guy. It’s such a throwaway line that I’m not surprised you missed it, but there were so many articles or interviews leading up to the movie’s release that they made it seem like a larger moment than it was.

    8. Mashed potato*

      As a gay Asian male who have not watched a lot of tv shows and movies I a while, I do not trust mainstream media to properly represent and portray a gay character or an Asian male character without resorting to stereotypes from 1960s, and also who cannot create an original character that is compelling and stand out.

      And my boycott is going to resume. Disney and superhero flicks won’t be seeing my dollars

      1. Ccc*

        Try crazy ex girlfriend for some varied representation of Asian males and queer characters

    9. Ccc*

      Did they forget about Negasonic and Yukio in Deadpool? That’s Marvel and awesome!

      1. anon moose, anon mouse*

        Deadpool was released by Fox, not by Disney/Marvel Cinematic Universe so they can’t really claim it as their own.

  5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

    Alright, something has been bothering me lately, and I was wondering if any current or alumni Sbux baristas could clarify for me.

    Im in the middle of a really awful, stressful project at work. Usually when that happens I “bribe” myself to get going in the morning with the promise of a grande iced black Americano. My preferred branch is in a busy tourist area, but when I hit it at 7.45 am its usually office workers. The head barista knows me and my order, and my drink is usually done before I’ve even paid with my card!

    I think they do a lot of training at this branch too but this week I got two horrible coffees – one on Monday and one on Friday – and both were made the same way, by new trainees. Is it:

    – cup FULL of ice while brewing espresso shots, dump in shots on the ice, then fill with water OR
    – guess at the water, add the espresso shots, then add ice in a half assed way on top

    The first approach I still have ice like a an hour later, the second way I get watered down coffee and the ice has melted by the time I get to my office (literally around the corner). Perhaps someone just hasn’t trained them on that coffee yet? I’ve even said “lots of ice” and that usually gets me a few more cubes. I didn’t want to complain in case they were trained in the latter approach, but how do I kindly ask for what I actually want?

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        I’ll try this next week when I see the New Crew working – thanks!

    2. Jill*

      Slightly off-topic, but have you tried cold brew? The ice stays around even longer.

    3. A Simple Narwhal*

      If you can, I’d recommend getting a hydroflask, or some other insulated thermos. They’re so amazing at keeping cold things cold (or hot things hot) that you won’t have to worry about your coffee getting watery, no matter how they make it. Plus the added bonus of reducing plastic waste.

      I love my hydroflask so much, it can literally keep ice solid for days.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        I really hate the plastic waste Im generating as well with this, but I thought iced coffee was more due to concentrate that is then diluted and iced? I have looked up concentrating my own brew, perhaps I should try that again.

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          Iced coffee is made by brewing hot coffee at double strength, then diluting it with ice, and then it’s kept at room temperature. Then poured into the cup and iced again to keep it cold.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Coldbrew, on the other hand, is brewed by steeping grounds for at least 12 hours, and can be made standard strength or concentrate. I much prefer it to coffee brewed hot and then cooled.

    4. Valancy Snaith*

      I’m a Starbucks supervisor. (We don’t have head baristas, so to speak.)

      The problem is that an iced Americano is not the most common drink and it sounds like the new trainees are confusing it with iced coffee or cold brew. Your best bet is to either try to ask for a supervisor and explain, or specify “can I get the shots and then water and extra ice?” If you’re asking for extra ice, though, the chances of you getting something a little off what you want increase because there is no standard for “extra ice” like there is for regular ice.

      The standard build is espresso shots, cold water to the top black line, and then ice to fill.

      1. noahwynn*

        Interesting. During the summer I almost always order an iced Americano as well and I’ve almost always seen them dump the shots over a cup full of ice and then top it off with water.

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          It’s common but it is not the standard and should not be made that way.

        2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          This is how the supervisor/’better’ team members make it at my Starbucks and how I prefer it, but I didn’t want to go off on the trainees as they may very well be making it correct by the book (and it looks like they are), it just doesn’t taste very good.

          I tend to get this drink because its quite a bit cheaper than a cold brew and it meets my needs.

  6. Blarg*

    Any tips on sublets or short term rentals in DC beyond the usual (craigslist, AirBnB)? I’m planning on being there for (at least) a couple months in late June. Thanks for any advice!

    1. Blarg*

      I should clarify I’m looking for a whole apartment — no roommates. Could go either way on furnishings. Thanks!

    2. Exceler*

      There are a lot of good options just outside of DC. Depending where you will be working, Arlington, Bethesda, and Silver Spring are good places to live with easy commutes on the Metro. When I first moved to DC, I found a small studio in Arlington on craiglists that let me do a month-to-month lease.

    3. Dan*

      I live out in the suburbs (and in the same place for way to friggin’ long) so am not up on the latest on how to actually secure short term rentals, but…

      I think your ease of securing what you’re looking for is a function of your budget. There’s a decent short term rental market, I think, but the easy to get stuff is going to be targeted to those with expense accounts. You might be able to find those by going to apartment websites directly.

      Second, for strictly summer rentals, there’s a decent “budget” market geared toward Hill interns that come in for the summer, do their thing, and leave. These are usually going to be sublets off of students who are here for the academic year on a one-year lease, but leave for the summer. Universities themselves will sublease dorm space for interns as well. But I would thing this sort of market is only appropriate if you will be gone before the academic year starts.

      Also, depending on where you need to be, consider looking in Northern Virginia/Maryland.

    4. Jack Russell Terrier*

      Nothing helpful to add about finding accommodation but assuming you’re not going to have a car. Try to be near a metro. Walking in DC in high summer is … incredibly hot and humid.

      1. valentine*

        Consult a map whenever ads claim the Metro is “walking distance” or x blocks.

        ~Post classifieds
        ~Apartments Showcase
        ~libraries
        ~local property management companies
        ~grocery store bulletin boards

      2. Young coworker*

        And confirm that your metro is working (lots of station shutdowns, especially when you live kinda far out)

    5. DC living*

      Craigslist is awesome
      Student housing boards – Georgetown in particular has lots of near university housing but generally roommates.
      You’re pretty late to the game for DC proper to be honest- you may want to target the suburbs. There’s also a few DC housing groups on Facebook that usually have good leads to options too!
      Also- DC is a big roommate town, supply is short demand is high
      If you want to be in the city to minimize your commute and maximize fun you will pay through the nose for a no-roommate scenario

    6. Blarg*

      Thanks, everyone … we shall see what happens. I don’t have a job lined up or anything. Being mildly irresponsible for the first time in my life, nearing 40. I hate where I live and if I keep waiting for the perfect situation to arise, I’ll be here forever. I have several months of living expenses saved. And I love DC. But who knows….

      1. Washi*

        Ah ok, based on the timing I figured you must be a student with an internship! If you can wait, it tends to be much much cheaper to move in the winter, plus if you don’t have a job and want to spend time doing tourist things, everything is packed. (I love living here but hate it most in the summer so that’s why I’m surprised it’s what you’re aimong for).

        This complex company The Point that I used to live in has locations all over and has a variety of lease lengths, but the shorter ones are twice as expensive. I had a 5 month lease when I first came here and it was me and a friend renting a lady’s basement (with no kitchen!) so she was more flexible.

        1. Blarg*

          There’s a baseball timing thing happening. I’m not missing another MLB season. :) Anyway, I’ll figure it out. The Post sites have been helpful. And I have a whole day (ha…) coming up soon when I’ll be in town, to make something happen. I only live about 3,000 miles away (AK) so none of this is stupid at all.

  7. Margaret*

    Hello from Sri Lanka, where the situation is stabilizing. The bombings have finally stopped, offices are reopened (albeit still keeping altered hours- ours is 6:45 am to 4 pm because people are afraid of being caught in traffic) and life is slowly returning to normal. It’s hard to be out in the streets and seeing a returned military presence, ten years after the end of the civil war- people talk a lot about how long this is going to last, whether it’ll be the new normal.

    People are working extremely hard to fight rising Islamophobia, which is sad but expected now that ISIS has taken credit for the situation. The big scary thing is that some of the offenders seem to have ties to government and police officials, so everyone’s holding their breath to hear if that had anything to do with the security failure that let it happen.

    One slightly uncomfortable thing for me is that I’m a foreigner placed here by an agency with a different security standard than the office where I work, so even though my coworkers are back at their desks I am not. The rationale is that I’m more conspicuous in public and more at risk (since tourists have been specifically targeted and I read as one at first glance, even though I’m on a residence visa) but it’s odd knowing my colleagues are all at their desks.

    I’ve just yesterday been released from full lockdown and am now allowed to go into work when there’s a meeting I’m leading or a workshop I’m delivering- which is technically work related discussion but really nice on a personal level just because I was starting to go totally stir crazy. In the end I did thirteen days without setting foot outside of my one bedroom, except to come to the door to pick up grocery deliveries. The government shut down social media- banned facebook, whatsapp, etc, to control the spread of fake news and propaganda, but they were turned back on a few days ago.

    I’ve been on a huge netflix binge- Queer Eye, Umbrella Academy, Dirk Gently, Series of Unfortunate Events. Apparently my bag right now is bright and shiny witty fantasy, so if anyone has any recommendations hit me up! I’ll be majority housebound for the foreseeable future.

    1. Awful Annie*

      Glad to hear you’re safe and well in a difficult situation. Thanks for sharing your perspective with fellow readers.

      For series to watch, how about El Ministerio del Tiempo? Witty fantasy about the civil service department tasked with managing history while trying to sort out their personal lives.

    2. Traveling Teacher*

      I hope that the situation continues to stabilize for you and that you and your community will start to feel safe again.

      For recommendations, I just love Call the Midwife. Not quite quirky, but it’s like a warm hug because of the strong sense of community. (Also, I think Sister Julienne, who manages both the midwives and the convent, is a great TV boss/workplace leader!)

      For podcasts, in case your eyes can’t watch another screen, I love The Moth, and their story catalog is huge. Steve Zimmer’s stories stand out as fun/quirky. “Neighbirhood Watch” and “Stars, Rockets, and Moons” are two of my favorites. Also, “Joy” by Ashok Ramasubramanian makes my day every time I listen to it!

      1. Mari M*

        Seconding Call The Midwife! You’ll be laughing and crying and laughing again in the space of an episode or two.

        Please stay safe, Margaret. You are loved.

    4. Asoc*

      I can see why you’re uncomfortable, but from a security perspective having you there makes your co-workers a target too. I’m sorry it’s isolating though.

    5. alex b.*

      Wow that’s intense. I’m glad to hear people are resisting Islamophobia and that things are calming down.
      I recommend The Good Place on netflix for bright/shiny/witty fantasy. :)

  8. Kuododi*

    I’m looking for a needle in a haystack! I want to find a source for dried African Red Pepper. (DH was introduced during his Peace Corps time in Liberia, West Africa.) The peppers are dried and turned into a fine powder the color of red bricks. It has a wonderful flavor and a blistering heat. Other peppers are a poor substitute, particularly in Ground Pea Soup. I’ve looked everywhere I can think of online. The last time we had access to the stuff we we’re in Atlanta and found a hole-in-the-wall shop dealing in African spices, foods and assorted handmade crafts for gifts. (I have no idea if the store even exists anymore. We shopped there during the mid 90’s. ). I’m in SE USA and hope to find a resource to either call and pay to have it shipped to us in our corner of Paradise. Prefer to order through website if possible. Thanks for the help. I’m going to be on and off the net over the weekend so if you have additional questions about the peppers, or anything related to my search, I will be happy to address them here. Have a wonderful weekend.

    1. legalchef*

      I did a google search for “dried African red pepper” and there are a ton of places…

    2. Femme d'Afrique*

      I’m not familiar with the specific pepper you’re referring to but – this will probably take some sleuthing skills – there is a large Liberian community in Florida (I want to say Jacksonville?) and they might provide some leads. So many African diaspora communities have pages on Facebook, it might be a good place to start? There are a lot of West African communities scattered around the US, I’m sure they’d have some ideas. Hope this helps.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Sounds like piri-piri peppers to me, but it could be something else. My source for every spice, pepper, salt, and spice blend known in this world is Kalustyan’s in Manhattan. You can buy from them online as well. A quick search turned up what you might need; I’ll put a link in a reply to myself.

      2. Femme d'Afrique*

        I doubt it’s peri-peri/piri piri/pilipili as that’s more of an Eastern/Southern African plant. West African peppers tend to be really, really hot!

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I think piri-piri peppers ARE super hot! :)

          Whatever the peppers are, if they’re imported into the US at all, Kalustyan’s will have them. Every time I go back to NYC, I wander their aisles and come back with all sorts of goodies.

          1. Femme d'Afrique*

            I hope Kuododi orders some and lets us know if she finds what she’s looking for. If her husband ate it as part of home cooking in Liberia, chances are it was made from a traditional blend that won’t be available in American wholesale stores.

            Pilipili peppers ARE hot, but they’re not West African; those tend to be on a whole other level.

      1. Kuododi*

        Thanks everyone for your quick response!!! Y’all are correct the peppers are not Piri-Piri. DH has always referred to it as “Dried African Red Pepper.”. I’ve checked the links provided and Jaid… I think the link you sent me has what we’re looking for!!! ;)
        I’m going to put in a small order and see if we are really on track. I’ll keep y’all posted. Thanks again.

    7. Kj*

      World Spice in Seattle! They have everything and if they don’t have it, they will find it for you if you call them.

  9. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Deadline for that writing competition I’m doing is tomorrow. Send help, I don’t feel ready.

    1. Grace*

      You know that thing where you have some fiction-y ideas floating around that have been slowly coalescing over the course of a few years and you know where it’s going now and you want to write the hell out of it, but you have a 10,000 word dissertation to finish by 13th May? Yeah. That.

      The writing of said dissertation is…going. It’s going. Not as well as I’d hoped, but not as poorly as I’d feared, either.

      1. Laura H.*

        Why do plot bunnies breed only when we can’t give em proper attention?…

        Good luck with your dissertation!

        2. PhyllisB*

          For sure!! Last week I shared my ambition to someday write short articles/essays and I get the most amazing ideas when I’m soaking in the tub. By the time I get to where I can actually put it on paper….it’s gone. GRRRRRRR!!

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oh yes, I know the feeling. My class notes sometimes have random story ideas crammed into the margins because if I don’t write them down immediately I will forget them.
        Good luck with the dissertation!

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve been able to finishing editing a chapter a week in advance so the pressure is off a little there.

      I’m toying with an idea for a new novel at the moment but I feel like it would be a huge undertaking right now, but I haven’t been able to get it out of my head for a long time so I’ll probably have to sit down and write it at some point.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Nice!
        Maybe you could write down the basic gist of your ideas (sort of a basic outline) to get it out of your head while you continue editing the thing you’re working on right now?

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          I’m doing that today actually!

          When I started writing, I thought I could edit one thing but write another at the same time. I very quickly discovered that I couldn’t. It’s all or nothing for me, so hopefully by getting this story out of my head, I’ll be able to focus better.

    3. Bibliovore*

      Copyedited last week. Got the design proofs back yesterday ! It looks like a real book!

    4. Claire*

      I finally got back into the headspace for writing a couple days ago. This coincided with working out some issues with the Publisher A that had me extra stressed. Chapter completed and the next one started.

      Oh, and I had the glorious news that my novel coming out from Publisher B this summer received a starred review from Publishers Weekly! *does the happy author dance*

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Dismally.

      A query for Tunerville has been sent to a small press and I got a nice note in response to indicate it was received but am now languishing. I should be working on Book 2 (why tho) or better yet, something new entirely. But all my ideas seem horribly derivative and/or stupid and I can’t seem to focus.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Honestly, even the horribly derivative and/or stupid ideas can turn into something good. I mean, I ended up with an excellent villain when writing a random drabble involving Darcy from Pride and Prejudice being a time traveller and apparently actor in the 21st century where his latest role is that of a werewolf in a horror movie (pulled the random words “Darcy” “Dog” and “Horror movie” out of a hat, really)
        It is just as bad as it sounds.
        I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you’ll receive good news from the press!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Honestly, even the horribly derivative and/or stupid ideas can turn into something good.

          Not always. Ask me how I know LOL.

    6. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Update: I’ve sent in my short story. I very much doubt I’ll win (not quite happy with it myself) but…Well, you can’t win if you don’t participate I suppose.
      At least it kept me writing when I wasn’t actually quite feeling it.

      1. Claire*

        I was talking with my son, about how artists need enough confidence to put their work out into the world, but enough self-awareness and humility to know they can always improve.

    7. AngelicGamer, the visually impaired peep*

      Sloooowww. I’m writing a retelling of Robin Hood and adding new stuff in, but it’s just slow. I hope it picks up soon – I’m picking at my outline/characters to see what can be done – but it might just be me.

  10. Sir Freelancelot*

    How can explain to my US friends that are preparing a “food trip” in Italy that they are living in a fantasy idea full of food-cliché??? Also, what is the most famous food-cliché in your Country, whatever your Country is?

    1. WS*

      Is it a fantasy, though? My dad, who was born in Italy, organised a food trip there for himself and some friends and they had a great time!

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Can you list what are the cliches you’re worried about? Because I spend a lot of time in Italy (some of my family lives there) and I’d definitely recommend it for anyone who likes to eat.

        Rolling hills and vineyards: Yup. Go to the Tuscany area. Get a BnB or hotel somewhere outside Florence and enjoy. I like this place http://www.torreacona.com/ but you can get cheaper accommodations in the area (one place has a pet goose and cats) and just hang out there for the tastings. Ask them to recommend some nearby restaurants as well – all very good.

        Other restaurants: Just use google reviews or yelp to find food. It’s not perfect, but entirely serviceable.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I think its important to remember that food in Italy is made with different ingredients that will taste different to what Americans are used to. For example – flour in pasta or pizza – or the use of fresh herbs in a different way. I still remember some of the dishes I had on my first trip to Italy, even though they were probably pretty pedestrian in a way. Its all discovery for them – though you may want to perhaps warn them away from obvious cliches or outlets like dont get X from Y.

      I was in Borough Market yesterday here in London and there was a huge line of people for fish and chips (many Europeans and Americans) from this one stall and its something similar to this – people come to England and expect to have fish and chips (and apparently take a photo with their dinner). But they are on vacation and enjoying themselves so why not?

      In the US I guess its burgers? to me it depends on the region. But I like to try and stay gracious when visitors excitedly share something they ate, because eating new things is part of traveling and exploration too.

      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        Here here to your first paragraph. I went to Italy a few years ago, and everything just tasted better, even small simple things. In the US things tend to come with a lot of preservatives and are made to last and be shelf stable, whereas in Italy (in my experience) food was made to be consumed at that moment. Even bread and butter felt like an amazing feast, so fresh and delicious. I don’t like raw tomatoes, and yet in Italy I was practically eating them like handfruit. The food was so amazing that when I came home I started making a real effort to focus on fresh ingredients and locally sourced food to try and recapture some of the magic. (Though sadly it has not been recreated T.T)

        To be fair, I was traveling with chef friends who own a restaurant and had ties/connections in Italy, so maybe my experience was enhanced by their expertise, but I think Italy’s food gets most of the credit!

      2. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

        Seconding your first paragraph! I’ve seen quite a number of tourist being surprised (or worse) by what they were eating. We tend to prefer foods with less ingredients, for example. I think maybe it’s because we like to track down every flavour, because we also eat things separately, instead of putting everything in a single plate.
        Anyways, as long as friends avoid the obvious tourist traps, everything they’ll try should be fine. Just don’t ask for pizza with pineapple, ever: you’re going to be kicked out and banned.

        1. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

          Oh, wait, there’s one more important thing. I was once in Denmark with colleagues from all over the world and we went to an Italian restaurant. There was a bottle of olive oil ready on the table and while they were waiting for their meal, my colleagues filled their plates with oil and started dipping bread into it. I know, Italian olive oil is unresistible and the little plates were apparently there for that purpose, but dipping bread in sauce is considered bad manners in Italy. You can do it within family and friends, but NOT at the restaurant! Just saying this in case Italian restaurants in the U.S. also have this weird custom.

          1. Book Lover*

            Yes, Italian restaurants in the us do that! I was really surprised the first time I saw it.

          3. Modern gal*

            Was someone at the restaurant staring over their shoulder watching how they ate their bread? I’m sure not. I guess I’d avoid it if I was visiting an Italian client or family but honestly…who cares how some Danish guy eats his bread in an Italian restaurant. Seems pretty uptight.

            1. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

              In fact my point was that since it’s ok to do it in other countries one may not realize it’s not ok in Italy. You are definitely going to get some weird looks if you do so in an Italian restaurant in Italy.

          4. Llama Face!*

            Also you have to pay for the bread if you eat it! That was an odd thing for a Canadian visiting Italy (personal experience) since if we get bread brought to the table at restaurants here it is free with the meal.

            1. Hellanon*

              No, it’s really more that in Italy, at least in the north, the prices are broken out more – in the US and Canada it’s all factored in. So you pay coperto, which is an itemized table charge, or you only pay for the vegetables or salad you order rather than having your meal “come with” those things already factored in.

              1. ket*

                I guess I’d agree with Llama Face, though — if you ask for bread not to come in the US, there is no discount, so it’s not a matter of the prices being broken out more to me. At most restaurants in the US that serve bread at the beginning, it is not possible to receive a different price for the meal with bread and the meal without bread.

              2. Someone Else*

                I think what’s confusing me here is: in Italy they being bread to the table without you asking for it? And if you eat if you’re charged and if you don’t you are not? Because that’s totally weird to me. The situation described in the US is that many restaurants bring bread to the table, without you asking for it, and there is no charge for that bread. Not eating it means it gets thrown out, because it was already served to you and can’t be served to someone else (unless the place breaks health codes). But eating it or not doesn’t change the price of the meal overall.
                Meanwhile, other places, if you specifically order bread, yes you’re charged for bread. That’s normal.
                The only way I could see confusion happening in Italy is if someone thought they were in the first kind of restaurant, where bread is free, and thus asked for it, not realizing they were now ordering it and thus would have to pay. But I wouldn’t have much sympathy for a customer being confused by that as there are plenty of places in the US where bread isn’t free and you have to order is specifically and thus there’s a clear cost somewhere on the menu.

                If the issue is they bring it unasked, and then charge you, that I do think is confusing.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        But you have better fish and chips than we typically do. :)

        However, the British pasty stand we have here (it has two kiosk locations–one in the mall–and a food truck and is owned and run by a Brit) has started serving fish and chips on Fridays. They did it during Lent and I’m hoping it lasts forever and becomes a regular menu item, because it comes with curry sauce and authentic mushy peas and is every bit as good and I am drooling just thinking about it.

        Side note: they modeled their business after West Cornwall Pasty Company, which I have tried, and IMO their pasties are better than WCPC.

        1. Arts Akimbo*

          I love mushy peas to a ridiculous extent, and none of my city’s fish and chip places serve them! At least none that I have found. Also I would loooooove to get a good Cornish pasty in Tennessee.

      4. Happy Lurker*

        Also jumping on the first paragraph bandwagon. The food was amazing. Even the items purchased at the grocery store or produce stalls.

        On a side note. I cannot eat pasta/bread or dairy in the US. Not allergic, it just doesn’t sit well. The pasta, pizza, cheese and sorbet I had in Italy were all fine. I had one of each almost daily for 9 days. Actually, once I realized the sorbet was completely different from here – I did have it daily. Once home all symptoms returned, unless I was eating the pasta I brought home from Italy.

        1. Kuododi*

          My darling nephew has full blown Celiac. His mother, (my sister) has a pet theory that the reason the US has so much trouble with Celiac as well as other food sensitivities is our reliance on GMOs, assorted preservatives and all the other related food nonsense in our country. Neither of us have the skills or resources to launch a formal studying on the problem….. like I said, just a pet theory.

          2. Agnodike*

            Italy actually has very high rates of celiac disease relative to its population, so I’m not sure how that factors into your theory.

          3. catsaway*

            There’s no commercially available GMO wheat (or barley or rye) so I don’t think GMOs have anything to do with celiac disease.

    3. Lemonwhirl*

      I live in Ireland and feel bad for anyone who expects to get corned beef and cabbage here. That’s an Irish-American thing, because beef was cheaper than pork and a beef brisket was salty and kind of similar to what the Irish would eat – bacon and cabbage. Not bacon like American bacon but cut of pork back that’s boiled and served with cabbage and a white sauce. But then again, no one comes to Ireland for the food or the weather, although we have lots of good restaurants now and occasionally get decent weather.

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          I stand corrected! And I hope that Ireland delivered all the dreary, cozy rain that you could hope for. (Any chance you were married in summer 2007 or November 2009? those were doozies for rain! :))

        2. PetticoatsandPincushions*

          Same! We went in August and it was high 60s and low 70s the whole time and I LOVED it :) Accidentally got sunburned on the Aran Islands though, because I sort of forgot that the sun still works even if it’s not 85 out…

      2. Parenthetically*

        I really loved the food we ate in Ireland — maybe we were just lucky, but we always got great bread, excellent seafood, and very fresh produce prepared simply and beautifully! But yes, the stereotypes about green beer and corned beef and cabbage… absolutely false.

        1. Autumnheart*

          I had a seafood pasta dish at Wallace’s Asti in Dublin in October 2018, and I am *still* dreaming about how good it was. So delicious. The seafood in it was so fresh and sweet…man. All the food I had in Ireland was as varied as it is in the US (Italian, steak, fish and chips, seafood, French, etc) and honestly, seemed very reasonably priced too. I live in the Midwest, and I paid the same to eat out in Dublin that I would at home.

          I had also gone in 2015, and at two different restaurants, had a take on a Caesar salad that had lettuce swimming in dressing and hot bacon bits, which made for a very sad salad. That was not a win. So, okay, not EVERY place has great food, but it’s still easy to find great food.

        2. PetticoatsandPincushions*

          Ireland had the best cheese plates so far that I have ever experienced. And since my husband and I stayed at a lot of AirBnBs instead of hotels, we cooked about half our meals at ‘home.’ I’ve never had a plain roast chicken or grocery store scone that tasted so good, and I’m sure I never will again.

      4. AnonForToday*

        Hmph.

        I was last in Ireland last June, and we nearly died of heat stroke and sunburn!
        Guess it is a good thing Alison wasn’t honeymooning then….

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          Last year was a freakishly good summer. Like the last time a summer had been that dry and sunny was 1995. :)

      5. Public Sector Manager*

        My mother-in-law is in the northwest (Co. Donegal) and she boils absolutely everything. Except fish fingers. So when my wife and I go back to Ireland, we tend to eat out quite a bit.

        The one thing I miss more than anything is Club Orange (the drink, not the candy version). There is just no American equivalent. There is a place in New York that I can order from online, but they ship by weight. So getting Club Orange becomes a really expensive habit!

    4. Maggie*

      Is there anything inherently wrong with food cliches? So long as they’re open to trying new things if they come across them there’s no harm in indulging in that fantasy. I’ve never been to America but I imagine even the most ‘authentic’ Italian restaurants would be a bit different to the real thing, so no harm in that.

      1. anonamerican*

        Yeah – even if they do have misconceptions, part of traveling is learning what’s real and what’s hype. Exposure is good!

        1. AcademiaNut*

          It’s a problem if the person’s ideas about what the food is like don’t match reality. If you go to Italy expecting to get Italian American food and a giant bowl of pasta swimming in sauce for dinner at 5pm, you’re going to be unpleasantly surprised.

          But for the original question – I’m well travelled and very food oriented, and the food in Italy knocked my socks off. It’s completely different from the Italian food I’ve had abroad (on multiple continents). A well planned food vacation in Italy sounds amazing – work your way up the country trying all the regional specialities, various food based tours and tastings (vineyard, olive grove, cheese & prosciutto tour), some cooking classes where you shop at the local markets.

    5. Amtelope*

      I’m not sure what you mean? There is plenty of great food in Italy, a “food trip” sounds like fun.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Seconded. Are you trying to mitigate their disappointment? Or just tell them off for being stereotypical? If the former, why do you think they’ll be disappointed? If the latter, definitely do not do that.

    7. alex b.*

      I dunno; I have a new student from Milan who is absolutely scandalized by the produce and, generally, the food here (NYC! it’s not freaking suburban Iowa). I thought things were pretty good at Trader Joes or Whole Foods and our restaurants, but she is like….NO that is not real food. Maybe you’ve got something going on there that we don’t….

      1. Dan*

        Iowa doesn’t have suburbs… did you mean rural? But the funny thing is, Iowa has lots of farm land, so I would expect decent, fresh produce to be easy to come by.

        1. Wake up !*

          What? Of course Iowa has suburbs. Des Moines is a city, smaller cities adjacent to it are suburbs like every other part of the country. What a bizarre thing to nitpick.

        2. Valancy Snaith*

          Iowa may be largely a rural state, but there are certainly suburbs outside of Des Moines (and Davenport, Cedar Rapids, and parts of Omaha over the state line). Something like 400,000 people live in the suburbs of Des Moines.

        3. Not A Manager*

          Hi Dan! “Farmland” does not equal “truck farm” in almost any area of the U.S. In my experience, U.S. farming regions are some of the most difficult places to get good fresh produce in regular grocery stores, although sometimes you will pass a good farm-stand.

          1. ket*

            Agreed. I was in North Dakota for instance recently, and while you can be surrounded by hundreds of square miles of agriculture, getting local produce may be impossible (and not because it’s winter, but because in the area there are no commercial vegetable producers that sell locally).

    8. Weegie*

      Food cliches: Haggis. Or deep-fried Mars Bars (yes, they are an actual Thing, but mostly made only as a joke).

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I’ve had one of those, actually! They were…surprisingly good? Taste like smoutebollen (no idea how to Translate that) with a Mars filling, basically.

        1. Weegie*

          You do surprise me! I’ve never actually met someone who’s eaten one. They tend to rear their head when some fish ‘n’ chip shop wants to get publicity so they put deep fried Mars bars on the menu so that the local paper will write an article about them. (The journalist covering the story always says the end result is surprisingly good, though.)

          1. A.N. O'Nyme*

            We had ours in a smalle chip shop near Fleshmarket’s Close, during our walking tour someone had noticed the sign and we got curious. About 7 of us tried it, with everyone else watching and taking pics. Before pics have us all looking like either this is going to be great or we’re about to make the biggest mistake of our lives, after pics have us looking confused (except for one guy who was immediately sold)

      2. Kuododi*

        Deep fried Twinkies is another delight of state fairs and bar b que festivals. DH and I were at a festival some time ago and got fried Twinkies in order to say we’d had the experience. The ones we ate had lost structural integrity during the frying process. What was left was a wad of hot sugary goo dusted in powdered sugar. Oh well… we have now had the experience!

        1. Autumnheart*

          Oh man, your Twinkie fryer sucks! The ones we have at the State Fair are delicious. Like a fresh warm donut filled with cream.

      3. Akcipitrokulo*

        I hated haggis as a kid… school dinners did that. Cooked in a long cylinder, sliced, cooked and reheated until some hockey pucks finally bounced onto our plates….

        Now I’m veggie and veggie haggis is awesome…

        1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

          Tere’s vegetarian haggis? please describe. I’m veggie and am interested.

          1. Akcipitrokulo*

            Mostly mushrooms and pulses replacing the meat … still has spices and veggies like onions. It was a big hit when I did a Burns’ lunch at work last year!

        1. Rainy*

          I prefer white pudding, but haggis is also delightful.

          I would knock over little old ladies for black pudding though.

          2. Life is Good*

            We had haggis and black pudding in Scotland last summer! We ate both after a couple of strong scotch and water drinks, so I can’t say that we “really” tasted either. ;)

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      I think life is too short to worry if my vacation might risk skirting a cliche.

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’m British, and I would say the biggest food cliché here is probably afternoon tea. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still definitely still a thing in a lot of fancy/trendy London hotels and restaurants, and I’ve done it a few times for birthdays and hen parties (and it’s always been perfectly nice), but there is still a persistent impression amongst some people that when the clock hits 4pm here everyone’s stopping for tea and cake. I wish it worked like that!

      And personally, I have to say I think a food trip in Italy sounds amazing. So much delicious pasta and pizza and wine and ice cream, and that’s just for starters…

      1. Femme d'Afrique*

        On the other hand, whenever I watch a British series or movie, I make a bet with myself about the number of times the characters make or drink a pot of tea. It’s surprisingly (?) many, many times! Even in gritty dramas like Luther or other police procedurals. ;)

        2. londonedit*

          Oh yeah, we make cups of tea all day, but it’s a casual thing. You just drink your tea while you’re working or whatever. Sometimes you might sit down with a cup of tea and a biscuit at the weekend. The notion that everyone in Britain sits down to tea and cakes at 4pm is a total cliche and it’s not something that happens. Afternoon tea is something we might do for a birthday or a hen party, it’s a novelty just as much as it would be for a tourist.

          I absolutely hate the cliche that British food is terrible. It comes from the years and years of wartime food and rationing in the 1940s and 50s – and the hard times that followed the country well into the 1970s. When America was booming, Britain was on its knees and people couldn’t afford anything more than the basics. But food here nowadays is excellent – especially in the cities, you can get all sorts of global cuisines and really exciting British food, and everywhere there’s a huge focus on local produce and quality.

          1. Rainy*

            When I was in England a few years back we had just incredible food. I’ll say that the beer wasn’t what I like, but I have very particular tastes in beer. :) Also, the place we stayed in London did an incredibly filling breakfast that really fortified us for our days of walking all over the city.

      2. Lena Clare*

        Cucumber sandwiches, tea and scones. Yum. Now I want an afternoon tea!
        I do love going for afternoon tea, but it’s definitely a treat and I always end up going somewhere else for it like a tourist myself!

        I think biggest food cliche here in the UK is that the food isn’t good!

      3. Akcipitrokulo*

        It’s soooo expensive too! Went for a pre-wedding do and it was about £50/head…

      4. Teapot Translator*

        I was surprised when I realised that tea was also an evening meal? I think I figured it out while watching Foyle’s War?

        1. londonedit*

          It’s just names for things. It’s very regional and also has some class implications. Some regions say breakfast/lunch/dinner, some say breakfast/dinner/tea. And then some people say supper for the evening meal. Tea is the same evening meal as dinner; it’s just different regional names for the meals. Traditionally maybe tea would be a smaller meal; dinner would be a regular evening meal and supper would be a small snack before bed, but they all also mean ‘the main evening meal’ in different areas of Britain.

          1. fposte*

            Then there’s “high tea,” which used to be tea-as-supper, but Americans took the term for fancy afternoon tea, and now I’m seeing UK establishments that do teas offering them as “high tea.” Better sell than fight, I guess.

            1. londonedit*

              Yes; ‘high tea’ was the early evening meal for children – in the days of ‘children must be seen and not heard’ they’d eat in the nursery at a high table, hence ‘high tea’. I guess people thought that sounded posh but it’s not the ‘afternoon tea with posh cakes and sandwiches’ meal.

          2. Akcipitrokulo*

            We used dinner and tea interchangeably to mean “main evening meal”.

          3. Batgirl*

            This is why I say lunch + tea. I move in so many different circles that I am bound to confuse someone with the word ‘dinner’. The only time I would use it is I’ve emphasised that its formal/timing like “They’re out for dinner at Fancyshmants restaurant that evening”.

            1. coffee cup*

              Ha, funny that I think ‘tea’ is more confusing! I forget that people use ‘dinner’ to mean ‘lunch’. The only time I’ve heard people use that here is for ‘school dinners’, which baffled for a bit, because it’s lunch!

              1. PhyllisB*

                In the South, when I was growing up, lunch was dinner (heavy meal) and supper was evening meal which could be leftovers from mid-day or a new meal. Maybe not as heavy as lunch (dinner) but not necessarily light either.
                This came about when more people farmed and worked so hard they needed that heavy mid-day meal to keep going. I still remember going to my aunts’ and having this heavy meal then they would throw a white tablecloth over the left-overs and leave until the evening meal. Maybe make some fresh cornbread/rolls/biscuits. Some of the older people wouldn’t even eat a real meal at night, they would just crumble some cornbread or biscuit into a glass of buttermilk or sweet (regular) milk. Now it’s lunch and dinner and most people eat their heavy meal at night.

          4. coffee cup*

            I’m Scottish and always have said ‘tea’ for evening meal. I tend to say ‘dinner’ when I’m in mixed company (mixed being hey we’re not all from exactly the same part of the world!) because if they don’t know ‘tea’ it sounds like I just drink tea for my tea. Which, y’know, I drink a lot of tea, but I draw the line there!

      5. anonamerican*

        Haha – I grew up in a similar culture (my family is South Asian), and we definitely take afternoon tea and snacks breaks, but it’s more casual and fast than the fancy “high tea” stuff. It’s also more a thing on weekends than on weekdays. But the habit is so ingrained in me that even at my office, once the clock hits 3 or 4, I make myself a cup of tea and grab a cookie or something.

      6. Jules the First*

        It astounded me when I started, but the company I’m currently working for does afternoon tea daily. And yes, the entire company (1,000 people or so) downs tools for 20 minutes and has a cuppa and a slice of cake. Because we’re now so many people, “tea time” is staggered, so your team might go at half three or half four instead of 4 on the dot because we no longer all fit in the canteen at once, but very few people skip it (though you might work through if you’re in a meeting – you still get tea, from our lovely catering team, it’s just that you keep working while you consume it rather than stopping to socialise). It’s both weird and lovely…

        1. Anu*

          Oh that’s reminding me of when I worked at research institute in India that had a similar custom. At 2 pm everyone would congregate in the canteen for cups of hot milky tea and delicious shortbread-like biscuits. Everything was served in proper crockery and it all seemed so very civilized.

    11. Babycarrot*

      Food cliché from where I’m from : Poutine. Yes it can be great in certain places but not something I would eat everyday!

      1. Modern gal*

        But it’s a vacation, not every day. People obviously eat and behave differently on vacation than they do in their daily lives (like…not working? Eating out every meal?) I don’t see how eating well-known regional specialties is a cliche.

        1. fposte*

          I think Babycarrot is just responding to question two about the food cliché near her, though, not talking about the behavioral side so much.

      2. Rainy*

        I love poutine but when I was living in Canada I probably had it once a month tops.

        I mean, when I go back to visit friends now, I eat all the things that I miss, so it’s a few days of nonstop poutine and sushi.

    12. La strega*

      What food cliché is it? Garlic bread? Fettuccine Alfredo? Pasta carbonara made with cream? Chicken in pasta? Those are the only ones I can think of that non-Italians have about Italy. A lot of the others are pretty on-point, except that the Italian version of Italian food is a million times better than the version anywhere else.

      I’m really curious what your US friends’ ideas are!

      1. anonamerican*

        Yeah the OP needs to be more clear about what the cliche is. The cliche that Italy is good for food is very much real and true. But yeah, Americans should get educated on what Italians in Italy actually consider food. I remember being surprised to learn that while Italians love eating meat, they consider eating meat WITH pasta a cardinal sin. They can’t imagine why Americans would ever eat their pasta with chicken breast or meatballs.

    13. Book Lover*

      I am not sure I understand? I’ve spent years in Italy and whenever I think of going back my mouth waters. The vegetables and fruit actually taste of something and the strawberries smell amazing and the gelato is always delicious. Anyway, totally would enjoy returning for food and the food varies based on region. I remember stopping at a little town and having the most amazing meal, don’t remember at all which town or restaurant. Ah well.

      1. anonamerican*

        I remember being blown away by now delicious the strawberries and fruits were! Also the meat and dairy as well. Idk what it is, but they are so much tastier than what I get here.

    14. HannahS*

      Why do you need to? Let them enjoy! It’s not your holiday. Pizza Margherita and gelato are delicious in Italy.

      In Canada, I guess it’s just maple syrup. Which is honestly pretty great! It’s just really expensive. The thing is, we don’t have much of an international travel reputation, so I don’t always realize when things are particularly Canadian, like butter tarts in Ontario. I didn’t know they were a regional food until I was in my 20s!

      1. Llama Face!*

        Yeah maple and poutine are the only Canadian clichés I can think of (and I’m not a fan of either, except for actual maple syrup on waffles).

      2. Life is Good*

        I second pizza Margherita and gelato in Italy! And the bread they store in a big wooden bin and cut just before bringing to your table! And gnocchi! Holy cow, so yummy! Who cares if it seems cliche?

      3. coffee cup*

        Maple syrup IS great. Yum. I ate so much good food when I lived in Canada, I think because there were so many different people from different cultures and the food was cheap and delicious in many places.

    15. WellRed*

      Don’t know that it’s a cliche, but lobster is what visitors to my little corner of the world want. However, the novices are always surprised that it’s an actual whole boiled lobster, staring at them. Not picked and buttered or whatever they imagine ; )

    16. Dan*

      I have to join the “please explain” crowd. I travel all over the world, mainly for food reasons, and what you want to caution against is something I’m really looking forward to when the occasion arises. Sorry-not-sorry about that.

      In the US, I’m trying hard to think about what a general cliche would be. Maybe a buffet of sorts? The thing is, our country is huge, with a large immigrant population who have made their way into the restaurant business. So there are large regional variations and international influences which probably meet your “cliche” thought. E.g., in New England (northeast US) “Maine Lobster” is very much a local thing. The south has “shrimp and grits” and fried chicken.

      I’d say, though, if I were to paint American understanding of food with a broad brush, is that, um, we paint things with a broad brush. Such as, we buy “rice” at the grocery store. Never mind that there are a lot of variation that many people don’t understand. It took me a long time to figure out that not all rice was created equal. Likewise, “Indian” food can come from different regions. That and we have Americanized versions of many things, and don’t realize what the “authentic” version looks like.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have a running joke with an Italian co-worker about Spaghetti Bolognese. He was horrified when I described it, and keeps reminding me it is Ragu served with Tagliatelli.

        1. Jemima Bond*

          True but I have to put in a spirited defence of spaghetti bolognese whilst recognising it as a seventies English take on Italian food, from a time when pasta was spag bol or macaroni cheeee and that’s your lot.

      2. Modern gal*

        I think this might just be a “you thing.” There are different kinds of rice at every store I’ve been to. And in every language I know the umbrella term is “rice” so idk what is American about this?

    17. anonamerican*

      Ah but it’s not! I’m American and lived in Italy for a year – the food is MUCH better and more fresh tasting. Part of this due to the fact that many of your cities in the north are in close proximity to farms and agrarian lands, which is not so much the case in the U.S. (at least not for every food item). It seems much easier to import farm to store overnight. I still miss the apertivos and spritz aperols and the pasta.

    18. Sleepless*

      Visitors to Atlanta want either Southern food like fried chicken and sweet tea, or barbecue. Bleah. I really don’t care for Southern food…as soon as I realized there were other kinds of food when I grew up, I never voluntarily ate fried chicken and black eyed peas again. I can do barbecue, just not too often.

    19. Need a better name, CPA*

      Food cliche for Chicago: deep dish pizza. Not every pizzeria makes good deep dish, any more than anything else.
      Also, Chicagoans don’t always have deep dish. We just don’t believe pizza should be so thin and limp that you can fold it like a taco.

    20. Jemima Bond*

      Relevant info for a food trip to Italy: unlike restaurants as I understand is the case in the US, european restaurants including in Italy don’t do doggy bags as a rule. Probably because I believe US portion sizes are quite large. So your friends will be full of delicious food no doubt about it but it’s not a case of having another small meal’s worth of leftovers that can be boxed up for you. Nor (as a friend described to me after a trip to New York) ordering a single dish, say at lunchtime, to share because it would be enough for two.

      1. anonamerican*

        In my experience, portion sizes are MUCH smaller that you don’t need one. The menu is organized into courses – the pasta course and the meat course are always separate. So if you order pasta, it’s technically 1/4 of the meal! However, I recall that at least in the city I live in, some resturants do takeout, so that’s an option.

    21. Ginger ale for all*

      I live in Texas and when relatives visit, they seem to expect chili everywhere. You just don’t see it a lot here in the DFW area though unless you deliberately seek it out. My friend from Hong Kong loved to visit so she can eat steak and Tex Mex. I met someone at a conference who was told to try Dr. Pepper, Whataburger, Big Red, and Schlotzsky’s. I couldn’t argue with that list, it’s pretty representative of Texas favorites for a quick lunch that you might not be able to easily get out of state.

      1. Anon in Texas*

        What a lot of people miss about Texas is that there are different regions. I’m in the south, the home of Tex Mex. Our food is really different from what you find in DFW or Houston.

  11. Everdene*

    I posted 2 or 3 weeks ago about a rotten week where not only did I go to the funeral of a dear friend but had a terrible time at a hospital appointment. The short version is the consultant and his team were dismissive, rude, patronising and refused to carry out the treatment in an effective way (think having 2 rottinng teeth, pulling out one bad one, one good one and saying I’m the dentist). I’ve had this problem for several years and my previous medical team spent a long time working with me to find he best solution and how to carry out the treatment most effectively. I left the hospital upset and in pain with the doctor in a huff.

    This week I got a letter saying they will not treat me anymore but will refer me to nearest big city if I want (although God knows how long the waiting list will be) but they will set up an appointment with a Clinical Psychologist who can help with my anxieties about recieving treatment. I am so furious at this Victorian attitude – young woman is upset with doctor therefore she must be hysterical – and the wilful ignorance that the only ‘anxiety’ I have is that I don’t get the treatment needed to allow me to live my life. That is something my relevant doctor/nurse could fix not a psychologist.

    I wrote a strongly worded letter immediately, which my family helped smooth down to factual and professional and sent it by return post. My GP seems suportive but there is little they can do outside our health board. I’ve been procrasting on my complaint letter as I’m struggling with the areas not treated, and they continue to get worse (a rotten tooth won’t grow back healthy). So my family suggested using a patient advocate to help with the conplaint. I like this idea as I could advocste for others (and do in my job) but its much harder when you are the one hurt and exhausted. Has anyone used a patient advocacy service before? How did you find it?

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Considering they did a treatment you didn’t fully consent to,would this also not be considered assault? Not saying it is, just genuinely curious.

      1. fposte*

        I don’t know where Everdene is, but that’s pretty unlikely. Either it’s a deliberate containment strategy that’s part of acceptable treatment or it’s a doctor’s error, but neither of those would be considered to be assault in the U.S.

            1. Everdene*

              Yep, teeth is a metaphor! I was trying to say that of the area needing treatment the doctor treated half of it and used the other materials to treat an area that was fine.

              I did actually have to sign a consent form for the procedure but the exact area was not covered in the document. Having had this done many times without problem I never considered having the area spelt out before signing it.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Oof. Curses to the lousy dentist and his equally lousy team and your health board (the people who recommended the Clinical Psychologist). I’m furious on your behalf. Kudos to your family for helping you polish your letter.

      Can you contact your elected official(s), meaning elected at any level that knows enough about constituent services to be helpful? Bonus points if the elected official is someone for whom you voted. (If not, no problem: Elected officials are elected to serve All the People not just Their Particular Voters/Supporters.) Super-bonus points if the elected official and/or the office or agency they represent strikes fear into the heart of your former dentist.

      My other idea is to see if there are any non-profit patient advocacy groups? Or advocacy groups in general? Sorry for the question marks. If my advice isn’t completely on target, I hope it sparks someone else to think of a better idea. You have my good wishes for getting past this medical/dental insult.

      1. Everdene*

        My local MP is actually a doctor (I’m in the UK) and while not from a party I agree with she doesn’t seem terrible.

        I’m interested in using a patient advisory group but not idea if they have any clout. My family are great but not local so it would be good to have gelp from someone on my side and who knows the system.

        1. Akcipitrokulo*

          It is worth talking to MP – also they seriously don’t know or care who you voted for. My current MP is pretty useless, but have had some awesome constituency MPs – including the late Sir Hector Munro for whom I would never have voted, but was a very hard working constituency MP.

          (If you’re in Central Ayrshire then, personally, I love her ;) )

    3. Anon Anon Anon*

      That sounds terrible. I’ve had similar experiences. I’ve been forcibly medicated for asking reasonable questions while hospitalized (“What are the side effects?” “How did you decide on this treatment plan?”). I’ve been forcibly medicated during an office visit. The doctor just took out a needle and injected me.

      It’s ridiculous. It’s so hard to find good medical care these days. I’ve pretty much given up.

      Do you have any other options? Can you go to another country and seek treatment there? Is there any other kind of treatment that you can access where you are?

  12. Lena Clare*

    Hi! Hope you’re having a nice weekend so far?

    I’d love some tips on how to stop my two cats (actually I think it’s mainly my male cat) from spraying everywhere, if you have any? I’m paranoid my house is beginning to smell :(

    The vet says there’s no physical issue, it’s most likely behavioural. I’ve got the feliway (cat pheromone) plugged in, put 3 litter trays around the place which they use occasionally but they also go outside too, but they do pee outside the litter trays occasionally too grr, and I have put more drinking posts around the house.

    Is there anything else I can do? They’re kind of wrecking the place!
    TIA.

    1. Lena Clare*

      Also I don’t know if Alison will read this but I ended up not getting the other 2 rescue cats in the end bc I thought it’d be too disruptive for my male cat who appears to be having a hard time with the cat next door. Ty for the tips though.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        UGH I hear ya on this. It’s exhausting. I have a cat that sprays and, boy, it’s really exhausting and infuriating sometimes–I’m going through a very active phase at the moment (spring time!) and I just want to lock him in a room where everything is covered in plastic (obviously I wouldn’t do that, I’m just really annoyed right now). I’ve never gotten him to stop completely, but there are times when it’s been reduced a lot.

        He may be spraying because of that cat next door. Does the cat next door hang around your perimeter a lot? If so, you could buy the motion-activated air cans. I haven’t bought them yet, but I’ve seen them on My Cat From Hell and they seem to work. You put them in the places where the cats hangs around. When it walks by, they get a blast of air. It trains them to stay away from that area. Although since your cats go outside they would get the air blast, too, since they’ll be walking around out there.

        I use lots of Feliway Multi Cat plug-ins, like at least two per room. If you’re only using one for the whole house, I’d add several more, especially in the places where he hangs out the most. And try the multi cat one if you’re not currently using it. I found it works better than the regular one. You can also use the spray on things they like mark.

        Good luck! This is such an annoying thing to deal with.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I meant use the Feliway or Comfort Zone spray on places they like to mark.

    2. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

      You need an enzyme cleaner, like Nature’s Miracle. It will go a long way towards cleaning up. Unfortunately cat spray is intended to be pungent.

    3. Lucy*

      Our cat does this too – he’s neutered but it still smells.

      In his case it’s definitely in response to a local invader. My cat marks to establish territory; invader marks to push back on boundaries; etc etc, until the front line settles on our house. They liberally mark the front and back doors – invader from the outside and our cat from the inside.

      Vet has recommended Feliway and we’ve repaired the fence where invader was getting in at the back (our cat is younger and slightly smaller so can climb in) but that feels like the limit of what we can do.

      We have a special spray cleaner from the pet shop which genuinely neutralises the unpleasant smell at least from a human perspective. Beyond that I’m reluctant to take major steps as it’s totally natural behaviour.

    4. cat socks*

      I’m dealing with this with a stray cat I’m fostering and one of my resident cats. I talked to my vet about it and she said having cats go outside can increase the chances of them spraying inside. They may mark outside based on smells of other outdoor cats and then feel the need to defend their territory inside.

      The other suggestions are good too – more Feliway diffusers. There is also a Feliway spray you can apply to areas previously marked. Also an enzyme cleaner.

      I’ve considered looking into CBD oil for cats because it’s supposed to help calm them. Gabapentin is another calming medicine for cats. Something Prozac is even used for cats that are very anxious.

      Good luck. I love having multiple cats, but the peeing can be difficult to deal with.

    5. Lena Clare*

      Thanks all. Yes, I think that the behaviour is related to the cat next door and is stress related. I was hoping to be able to stop it as I don’t like him being stressed, and also I hate cleaning lol. I have enzymatic cleaner, but it only works if you use it on the spray just after it has happened, otherwise you can still smell it, and unfortunately I can’t use that type of cleaner on the wood floor in the hallway.

      But I will buy more Feliway plug ins and I didn’t realise that you could buy a Feliway spray to eliminate the scent so I will do that too, plus I get the carpets cleaned fairly regularly and was hoping to replace the stairway carpet this summer if I can afford it although I am dreading him spraying on the new carpet :( One thing at a time though!

    6. Lena Clare*

      Oh ffs I’ve just gone into the bathroom to get ready for bed and he’s p1ssed all over the windowsill on my toiletries and it’s gone EVERYWHERE.

      GRRRRRRR

  13. Sam Sepiol*

    One of my friends posted something on Facebook this week that I loved and I want to post it here. Hope that’s ok. Not sure if it was an actual Thing on FB or whether it was just something one of her friends started. I liked the “permission” to share things I’m proud of.

    Hey friends! You’re all awesome. Tell me something awesome about you: something you’ve achieved or something you’re good at, or just that you think is brilliant about yourself.

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      Today: I am working through my traumas. I’m still very much in the weeds, but at the same time, I’ve come an awfully long way from where I started.
      I realised how awful my marriage was when I was finally able to see it, and I left, and doing that has been SO VERY BLOODY HARD and still is but it’s been like taking the lid of my career -two promotions in six months, I’ve been told by my line manager that I’m promotable (again!!) in the next year, and I’m on leadership training.
      I’ve been able to let go of unhealthy friendships and I’m connecting with new people and also choosing to reconnect with old friends who I’d dropped out of touch with.
      And I am really good at my specialism at work. People respect my opinion: they don’t always agree with it/use it, but they seek it out and find it useful to discuss it with me.
      Also parenting yadda yadda really proud of my kid and how I try and teach him stuff re politics, economics, consent, blah blah blah ;)

    2. LivingMyLife*

      Can’t really take the credit for this myself, but I have survived a very aggressive form of leukemia three years ago. Thankful to God, my stem cell donor and my wonderful medical team. Life has a very different meaning for me now – fully enjoy each day, reclaim and thrive in the life I am living. I guess what I see as awesome is that half a year ago I moved over 2000 miles to start a new very high pace job at a large university in CA and I am able to keep up with it. Nobody here has a clue how sick I was. To all my coworkers I appear as an older person who is very physically active and eats healthy. I’m tempted to share my story with them, but not at this point.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        That is awesome. I wish you continued good health and I would also really relish having the choice whether to share your history or not. Everyone knows about my depression. I would love to one day be able to live with it to the extent I can share only with my friends, not line managers and other people who are affected.

    3. Marion Ravenwood*

      Stuff like this always makes me feel a bit awkward because I’m not used to bigging myself up, but here goes:

      I can run a 5k without stopping, even if I’m not super-fast. I’m a good writer. I’m proud that I can be a good friend to my friends and be there for them and stand up for them when they need my help.

      1. Forestdweller*

        That is awesome! Being able to run a 5K without stopping is one of my goals, and I am always so pumped up by people who are already there.

      2. Sam Sepiol*

        That’s amazing, is been a long long time since I ran any distance without stopping! Writing and being a good friend are also worth celebrating <3

    4. Forestdweller*

      I’ve been an HR Manager for about 5 years, and am new-ish to my current organization (6 months). This week, two different managers in production specifically sought me out to tell me how glad they were to have me here and how much they feel supported. One stated that she and the general manager were talking about how I really care about doing right by my people, and that just made my heart explode. HR gets a bad name sometimes, and I work really hard to be the kind of HR person who advocates for my employees in addition to upholding company standards. It really just meant the world to me to get the unsolicited positive feedback.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        Awww that is lovely. Always good to hear that people are spreading positive “isn’t Forestdweller good at their job” gossip about you! :)

    5. Smol Book Wizard*

      I have started doing beadwork recently, and I’m now wearing a pair of earrings I made myself to replace a set I lost one of years ago!
      I’m by no means an expert but I love doing little wire-and-bead projects and making jewelry for my friends. It’s a lovely productive fidget and lets me enjoy my shinies. :)

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        That sounds like something really rewarding :) glad to hear you enjoy it!

    6. Karen from Finance*

      I am proud of myself for my resilience. I have survived depression, I have survived Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I have survived growing up in a toxic environment, and left the second I was able. I have built and rebuilt my life through surroundings and my own self telling me I’m not worthy, and every day I’m still here trying to better myself, in spite of everything.

      2. The Original Karen from Finance*

        I am proud of you. This is amazing and you are worthy of all good things.

    7. Jemima Bond*

      I am genuinely the scourge of the evildoer and I have thwarted many bad people. I can even do the fancy driving with the lights and sirens!
      Also, I can make wonderful Yorkshire puddings. UK readers will know they can be tricky beasts but I have The Power!

      1. Grace*

        A good Yorkshire is a wonderful thing! Our family recipe is the classic 1:1:1 ratio for milk, flour and eggs, and they’re giant misshapen delicious lumps of a thing. Bonus points if you make enough to have some with golden syrup or butter and sugar later.

    8. Jemima Bond*

      I wanted to comment on more of these achievements individually but it always sounded sarcastic or patronising. “Well done” sounds so lame! But well done, go everyone!

      Also how many times do I have to type well before it stops autocorrecting to we’ll? Gaaaaaaaah

    9. Batgirl*

      My 12yo students who had reading ages of 7 year olds last year are now not only up to speed but are enjoying English lessons.
      The newer boys I’m teaching this year are making faster progress and we’re having more fun.
      I’m having to kick my former graduates out of my intervention room because they come to hang out at break when I’m busy.
      Except I don’t, because it’s nice to hear how transformed their day is and see that they don’t feel ‘naughty and lazy’ any more. Some of them were actually nasty and disaffected in attitude. I like being called ‘Miss’ and to be asked the kind of questions they now ask.

    10. Alpha Bravo*

      All I could come up with is, I’m a survivor and I’m capable of a rather surprising amount of hard physical work. Or to put it another way, I’m a lot tougher than I look. I get knocked down, but I get up again. My daughter pointed out I have a lot of actual survival skills and told me I should do this exercise more often. Snort.

  14. Carolyn*

    Every now and then there’d be a post on Twitter that’s something like “my sister is sad because this boy called her ugly, RT if you disagree” along with a photo of the sister, and it’d go viral with people reassuring her how gorgeous she is.
    Does anyone feel like that’s kind of an issue on its own? Not the part about wanting to make someone feel better, and not even the part about asking for RTs, but rather that they’re focusing on the wrong thing? Surely the message here should be ‘don’t be an ass and make people feel bad’? Like, what if the sister /is/ unattractive, at least in a conventional sense? Does that somehow make it okay? Moreover, doesn’t this just reinforce the notion that your worth is somehow tied to whether other people perceive your level of attractiveness?

    1. Angwyshaunce*

      I like the points you make. I remember seeing something like this from time to time on FB back in the day – pictures of deformed babies with the tagline “She is beautiful”. I always got the impression it was a way for people to say “look how progressive I am!” when in actuality they were exploiting these individuals to make themselves look like decent and tolerant human beings.

      1. Budgie Buddy*

        Yeah, it honestly doesn’t come across as genuine. Like, saying that people with non-standard features are “beautiful” does not erase the difficulty they will face. People deserve to be loved whether or not they conform to societal beauty standards. So mouthing “But you’re beautiful tho!!!!!” gives the impression that the only way to give people with facial deformities value is to deny reality. Ouch.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Yes, absolutely agree with you. I remember when the press were disgracefully focused on Chelsea Clinton’s looks during the time that Bill was President. What an awful thing for her to have to go through, and to have people defending her attractiveness when that wasn’t the issue!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. I hope they asked their sis if it was okay to plaster her face all over Twitter. jeepers. I think at that point, I would be just as upset with my sib as I was with the ex-bf.

    4. annakarina1*

      I agree, it still holds up being physically beautiful as the ideal.

      I felt similarly when news stories would report on a young teen suicide, and if the teen was cute or pretty, it was considered way more tragic and sad than if they were gawky or homely. It did make me uncomfortable to read comments by adults saying how beautiful the kid was. I got that they were praising their spirit as well, but it still felt like stories about teen suicides got more traction when the person was good-looking, which sets a dangerous mindset for other suicidal teens, either wanting to be appreciated more in death, or feeling like they’re ugly and nobody would care if they died. Basically, the whole praising beauty thing by strangers about teens can get squicky.

    5. WellRed*

      Ugh to that! I am also disliking all the videos of military parent showing up at Event to surprise kid, who is then crying all over the place for the world.

      1. valentine*

        I hate those because it sets the kid up to expect future surprises and extreme denial if that parent dies.

        The beauty thing is a large-scale version of gathering around and supporting a dumped friend.

    6. kc89*

      I like social media for jokes/memes but any blatant attention seeking like that is pathetic imo

    7. Lilysparrow*

      You are correct. And if it were true, I suspect a large part of the reason why the sister is vulnerable to that type of verbal abuse is that she was brought up in a family with such skewed priorities. Obviously the answer to “Bobby said I’m ugly” isn’t “No, you’re pretty.” It’s “Bobby is an asshole who’s trying to upset you, don’t give him the satisfaction.”

      But I strongly suspect that none of those are real anyway.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah. Women have worth outside of their appearance, and also I don’t repost any of this “RT if you love angels/hate cancer/want this kid to have a happy birthday/agree that bad things suck/etc” shit so I don’t care.

      2. Anon Anon Anon*

        “Bobby wants to make you feel bad because he sees you as above him in some way and he wants to cut you down so he can feel better about himself/convince you to make out with him/convince you to give him money. Or something else. Who knows. Bobby has something to gain by making you feel bad. Avoid him. Take it as a compliment. And focus on people who are nice, who appreciate you, who make you feel good.”

    8. Panda Bandit*

      Yeah, they’re definitely focusing on the wrong thing. I also have an issue with it because validation is supposed to come from within. How many people do they need to get compliments from?

    9. Anon Anon Anon*

      Yes. And that you should care what other people say about you. The real issues are: 1) Don’t be a jerk, and 2) When people are jerks, ignore them. It’s kind of counter-productive by drawing attention to the jerk and making the incident into a bigger issue than it needs to be. But there’s this stereotype that women are supposed to be REALLY SENSITIVE to what other people say about them, especially if it’s related to attractiveness. It re-enforces that stereotype.

  15. Lol*

    Watched a recent episode of Big Bang Theory and there was a comment from Bernadette that she wanted to see the new Avenger’s movie in 3D to better enjoy Thor’s abs. That was inadvertently amusing.

    (Glad this show is coming to an end, I can’t say for sure when it started going downhill but these days I can’t even remember how I got hooked at the start.)

    1. bassclefchick*

      I agree! It was wonderful, but I think it’s about 3 seasons past when it should have ended. Howard and Bernadette are just MEAN people and I don’t find them funny at all anymore. Though the whole thing with Kal Penn this week was hilarious! The ending of that story line is pretty obvious, so I’m not sure what the point is of dragging it out like this.

      Don’t get me wrong, I am going to watch the last 3 episodes, but I’m OK with it ending. Now, if only NCIS would pack it in. That show is about 5 years past when it should have ended.

      1. Grace*

        See also, Supernatural. Supposed to end after season 5 in 2010. Surprise – they didn’t. I watched the backlog of episodes right up until I had caught up back in…I think in 2014? At that point, I decided that it had run its course, at least as far as I was concerned. Five years later, they’ve only just now announced that it’ll be coming to an end.

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          The one I’m glad has called it quits is Criminal Minds. Don’t get me wrong, I love that show, but I’m a firm believer that these types of police procedural shows stand and fall on the chemistry between the cast members, and generally once the second person leaves (there’s always someone who goes in an early season when it’s not working, then the new person comes in and it all seems to click) they’re just not the same. CM took two departures to get it right – for me it didn’t work until Rossi came in – but I really think they should have ended it once Hotch and Morgan left rather than dragging it out.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      I agree. I think what made the show so funny, four social misfit nerds who actually did cool nerd stuff, long passed. I get they had to move on, find relationships and such, but a lot of the fun teasing has become Seinfeld-like general jerkiness.

      And the elevator still is not fixed.

      1. JediSquirrel*

        Yep. When it was nerdy and geeky (were those Feynmann diagrams in the first episode?) it was fun and relatable. When it became more about relationships, it became just like every other show. Even Evil Wil Wheaton couldn’t make me watch it again.

        1. nonegiven*

          I don’t remember the first one, not sure I’ve seen it. There was one where they had the Feynman family’s van, it had the diagrams on it.

    3. Mimmy*

      I still love the show, but I’m totally okay with it ending. Sheldon in particular has gotten on my nerves in the last few years.

    4. T3k*

      I’m personally sad it’s ending, it’s only 1 of 2 shows I care to watch on TV :(

  16. DanaScully*

    Good morning! Warning – discussion of gynae related issues ahead.

    I’m in the process of being referred to a Gynaecology specialist as I suffer with the most excruciating period pain each month. It all came to a head when someone at work found me lying on the floor of the accessible restroom in the fetal position, and I realised that the level of pain I’m experiencing probably isn’t “normal”. I was nauseous, faint, pale, cold and shaking but having hot flushes so I’d stripped most of my clothes off.

    I went to see my GP initially who referred me for an ultrasound. The technician who did the ultrasound mentioned that my notes said I had been referred for the ultrasound to ‘rule out endometriosis’, however she told me that this isn’t possible and that it can only be confirmed via laparoscopy. When I went back to my GP for the results, she said,
    “Good news, you don’t have Endometriosis!”.
    I relayed what the ultrasound technician had told me and it appeared to be new information to her. After a while of us sitting in silence as she clicked around on her computer, she asked me if I would like to be referred to a specialist, which I agreed to. I’m very hopeful that I’ll be able to see somebody who can help me.

    Gynae issues do run in the family:
    My mum had undiagnosed Endometriosis and fibroids with no pain, but very, very heavy periods. She didn’t tell anyone she was suffering and ended up needing a six unit blood transfusion and a full hysterectomy.

    Does anyone here have any experience of going through this process? I would really appreciate any insight or advice. Thanks!

    1. A Simple Narwhal*

      My first suggestion would be to go to an actual gynecologist and not a GP (which it sounds like you are in the process of doing). General practitioners are just that – general, you need someone whose whole knowledge and expertise is based around your issue. I def used to think my GP was the way to go for gyno-related issues until I went to an actual gynecologist, what a difference! They’ll be able to help you much more.

      As for the other things – I don’t have endometriosis, but I used to have insanely heavy periods and debilitating cramps to the point that I would be vomitting from pain and completely incoherent (happened to my mom too). Granted I didn’t have the incapacitating cramps every single time, but it got more frequent in my mid 20s. What solved it for me honestly was getting an IUD. I went in for long-lasting birth control and ended up with the added bonus of regular, light, non-crippling periods. I have a skyla IUD and it’s absolutely amazing and I recommend it to everyone. It has a very very small amount of hormones (I tried the pill in high school and had an awful experience with it so I was apprehensive to try hormones again) and it just kind of smoothed things out for me. That might be something to try if they can’t find anything “wrong”. But a specialist will definitely be able to help you more than a GP or regular X-ray technician could, so you might find another solution with them.

      In the mean time, try topical cbd oil (if it’s legal where you are). There are a lot of brands out there (Whoopi Goldberg actual has her own brand of products specifically for period pain relief I’ve been dying to try but sadly they don’t ship to my state). I have a cream from Herbstrong that I love – just smear a little bit over your uterus area and boom – relief. It’s not cheap but it is sooo effective and a little pot of it will last you a while. It’s also good for muscle and joint paint so it has many uses.

      Good luck with everything, I hope you find a solution/relief soon!

    2. Ada*

      You just gave me flashbacks to sitting on the ground in the middle of an aisle in Wal-Mart, waiting for my cramps to pass so I could move again… Also had crazy-heavy periods (think: put on a fresh pad, walk down to the school bus stop, get on the bus okay, get off the bus having already bled through my jeans). Had multiple ultrasounds (including one done internally), they found some benign cysts, but that was about it. For me, they first tried the pill, but I kept throwing it up, so they switched to a transdermal method (the patch at first, and later the ring). That pretty much did the trick. I rarely get cramps or ridiculously heavy periods these days.

      Also, I may or may not have grown out of it at some point in my twenties. A few years back (before bc became free) I stopped taking it to try and see if I could save money by toughing it out, and was surprised to find my symptoms never really came back.

    3. fposte*

      Tangentially, if you have any intestinal symptoms, you might want to bring a GI into the mix. Hormones can affect GI stuff, and my then-undiagnosed Crohn’s meant horrible periods for a long time.

    4. Slartibartfast*

      Limited experience in this, I have been working as an assistant in a gyn office for about 6 months now. I gotta say, I like your doctor. Taking what the tech said and doing some more research is a great response. I will say be patient, endometriosis is not easy to diagnose or treat but an experienced gyn is going to be a big help. It’s important for them to know how much pain you’re in, so I would definitely tell the bathroom story and don’t try to minimize it. There are a lot of options, some people respond to hormonal birth control. There’s newer drugs out there if you don’t, but they are expensive so it can be difficult to get insurance approval. And surgery is an option if all else fails.
      This is going to take months to get a handle on, but there’s definitely help out there. Best of luck to you.

    5. PhyllisB*

      I know we are not supposed to diagnose, and I’m not sure if you are in US, but perhaps check for PICOS? I hope I have this acronym right; if not someone please correct. My son’s girlfriend has this, and she is miserable every month that she has a period. It’s somewhat similar to endometriosis but there are differences.

      1. Julia*

        PCOS? Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, not usually known to cause extreme pain (as endometriosis does), but it’s a catch-all term for symptoms like irregular periods, weight gain, hair growth etc.

    6. Nicki Name*

      I was just about to suggest PCOS too. I had years of debilitating period pain, followed by a stretch where I bled nonstop for months (but at least it didn’t hurt!) before finally getting a diagnosis. It turned out I had a bunch of other symptoms as well, that I never realized were the same problem. Do any of these sound familiar? https://www.webmd.com/women/symptoms-of-pcos

      PCOS is currently estimated to affect 5-10% of women, so please get that explicitly ruled in or out with an actual gynecologist.

      The good news is that PCOS is easy to treat! Birth control hormones work great, and there’s a wide variety of formulas and delivery methods to choose from.

    7. DanaScully*

      Thank you all so much for your replies.

      I’m based in the UK so we generally have to go via our GP for referrals to specialists on the NHS. The good news is that they offered me a referral to a private hospital which is great (usually it means shorter waiting times and you’ll have your own room for recovery if you need any operations etc, rather than being on a ward).

      fposte, interestingly my periods do seem to have a huge impact on my gut, and it’s something I told my GP. When I have a particularly painful month, I also experience excessive wind, diarrhoea and an intense stabbing type pain during BMs. I’ll make sure I mention this to the specialist.

      Regarding PCOS, I believe this would have shown on the first ultrasound I had, and that came back as normal. I’ve also had internal ultrasounds in the past and they’ve never found evidence of cysts, but I’m sure the specialist will explore this further, as well as any potential treatment which may help my symptoms.

      It’s so frustrating that the pain is having such an impact on my personal and working life, and it’s difficult to have the feeling that people think you’re just being dramatic or exaggerating the pain.
      I think the only people who can truly understand are the ones who’ve experienced similar themselves or have watched a loved one go through it.

      Thank you for the luck and well wishes. I’ll update here when I see the specialist.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        I’m fortunate to have normal periods, but even normal cramps affect your gut. As does labor.

        It’s all connected.

      2. Carbovore*

        As Lilysparrow says, it’s all connected. I’ve been amazed at how my digestive system, bowels, hormones, and reproductive system all play into one another now.

        It’s also part of the problem of why conditions like this affecting multiple systems go undiagnosed for so long–doctors keep focusing on one or two symptoms and are unable to consider everything as one big picture. My gyno kept telling me my diarrhea had nothing to do with my pelvic pain and “diarrhea isn’t [his] area to treat.”

        Well–if endometriosis is on your bowels! Like me! Then YEAH, it DOES have something to do with it, now doesn’t it….

        Good luck, again–keep seeing folks. If you see a doctor who seems to be dismissing you and not understanding all your symptoms, move on. Try to find specialists. General doctors I have found are not adept at treating multiple system conditions, particularly chronic pain issues.

      3. ThePinkLady*

        I have every sympathy with you as I suffered similarly for almost 30 years before I finally had some treatment that worked. You’re right that the small,pearl-like cysts on your ovaries which give PCOS (which I have) it’s name would have been visible on an internal ultrasound – but as the condition is a syndrome, not all symptoms are present in everyone, and it’s possible to have PCOS without having polycystic ovaries. Who knew! So the ultrasound itself isn’t diagnostic. Your gynaecologist will go through all possible symptoms to diagnose properly. I found it useful to mention absolutely everything, however unconnected it might seem, so don’t worry about doing that. I used birth control to help in my twenties, but once we were trying to conceive I obviously stopped, and from there my symptoms got worse. We weren’t successful in having children and a few years ago (I was 44), knowing we weren’t going to try any longer, my gynaecologist suggested I could try an endometrial ablation, which was very unpleasant but has given me normal periods for the first time in my life. I was at the stage where I was bleeding through a super plus tampon AND soaking a pad every hour, for up to seven days a month, so it was having a huge impact on my life and work, not to mention my iron levels. If your family is complete then that might be something you want to explore.

        1. Nicki Name*

          I don’t have cysts, but still have PCOS. At the time I was diagnosed, I was told that around 30% of women diagnosed with PCOS did not have ovarian cysts (and it was suspected there were a lot of cases of PCOS without cysts being missed).

          Good luck with the specialist, DanaScully.

      4. ket*

        Good luck getting endo checked out — one friend had some surgeries for it and it literally changed her life in every way, for the better. Others have been able to manage it with hormones, etc.

        I’ll throw out two other things from my personal experience: for me, menstrual cramps & GI distress also went along with migraines and allergies. There’s a complex cascade of physical actions & reactions to histamines and estrogen and all sorts of things…. but if you observe you have headaches or migraine pain, that’s something to note down as well as it may be related.

        But then to complicate things I’ll throw out that for GI reasons I did some elimination diets and ended up dropping wheat/barley/high-starch processed foods from my diet (I eat rice but I avoid most store-bought gluten-free goods and limit cassava flour intake), and my migraines also became rare and I have had menstrual cramps twice, three times since, and no longer have the diarrhea and migraine that always preceded my period by two days. My blood tests did not indicate I am celiac and I chose not to have a biopsy of my intestine, so I have no label to put on what I dealt with, but I’m happy with whatever works! So if you’ve got a long wait for a gyn and want to experiment with an elimination diet & systematic reintroduction of things, keep notes & see what happens.

    8. Carbovore*

      Ultrasound is not a conclusive way to rule out endometriosis. I was diagnosed with endo this past January and the only way to definitively know is through a diagnostic laparoscopy. There is no test or scan for this–a surgeon has to SEE it physically via surgery. My journey resulted in me doing everything I could think as I was experiencing GI symptoms as well as deep pelvic pain and back pain. So I hopped from doctor to doctor for awhile–first, they thought it was a parasite and gave me crazy strong antibiotics that ended up just completely destroying my stomach flora and made me sicker, then I got sent for cat scans and mris and ultrasounds… I tried elimination diets, wondering if it was something I was eating that was suddenly making my system run amok… then I went to my gyno in complete desperation around Xmas because the pelvic pain was extraordinary. THAT idiot asked me if I was PMSing and told me to go home and take Motrin. As you can imagine, I was livid. I went home and continued my own research and given all the symptoms, really felt it was endo. I basically went back and DEMANDED a diagnostic laparascopy.

      I was right–stage two endo. Currently I manage the pain and symptoms with a mostly anti-inflammatory diet (I avoid dairy, gluten, and red meat), continuous birth control, supplements and vitamins, CBD oil, and lots of rest.

      I hope you find your answer, whatever it is! For me, that was truly the worst part of it–not knowing and all the doctors not knowing. Also, don’t let anyone–doctors too!–make you doubt yourself. YOU know your body better than anyone else.

    9. Temporarily Anonymous*

      I also had severe cramps and was told based on an ultrasound that it wasn’t endo (and years later told that you can’t determine that from an ultrasound). Based on some other symptoms I might have a variant of PCOS but it’s still unclear. I went almost 25 years without effective pain control or relief . I tried birth control pills and strong painkillers, which I am apparently resistant to (doc said next level of painkiller would have been morphine- which she wouldn’t prescribe- just to give an idea), but nothing worked until I got the Mirena IUD. It has taken my frequency and severity of pain down to a few times per year, compared to several days of bad cramps almost every month. It is also not reactive with my migraines like birth control pills were, if that’s a concern.

      I’d encourage you to try the various options! Don’t just live with it like I had to.

      (Also, just fyi, weirdly enough you can have PCOS aka polycystic ovary syndrome without actually having ovariam cysts.)

    10. Jen Erik*

      I don’t know how relevant it is, but my daughter began having bad period pains (to the extent that I took her to Casualty because I was worried it was her appendix) and the GP wasn’t very interested, apart from putting her on the pill to see if that alleviated things. She was referred to her gynaecologist later, for other issues.
      So it’s more to say that her gynaecologist is brilliant, and she was referred for gynaecological physiotherapy, which happened really quickly – and that physio has also been great, and she’s also on a waiting list for a gynaecological therapist – hasn’t happened yet, but you can imagine the waiting lists might be long.

      Anyway, I know these things vary by region, but our experience with the NHS was that once we got to the specialist, the care was thorough and excellent.

      (She has scoliosis, and it turns out that for her it’s all spine-related – you wouldn’t think that would cause painful periods, but seemingly so.)

    11. Quandong*

      I don’t have experience with endometriosis but my closest friend was diagnosed after years of symptoms but without the expected level of pain.

      My advice is to look for Endo support groups and advocacy groups, and others like them – I hope there are some in the UK. Getting in contact with other people with lived experience of diagnosis and treatment is important.

      These are a couple of groups from Australia:
      https://endoactive.org.au/
      https://www.pelvicpain.org.au/

      I hope you get effective pain management very soon, and a speedy diagnosis.

    12. Observer*

      Two things. Find an endo specialist and make sure you get a really good blood workup. PCOS is not likely, but possible and the best way to check that is blood work. Thyroid is another thing that can totally mess your periods up, and again, blood work is your friend.

  17. Kali*

    Aaaaaaaaargh! I’m in my penultimate year of uni. Last year of exams and group assignments, since next year will be a year-long solo project. Wish me luck!

    1. Grace*

      Good luck!

      I’m in my last year of a history BA – diss deadline 13th May, one exam on the 21st and then one on the 24th. And then that’s it. It’s terrifying. All of my deadlines are so close together and it’s not great.

  18. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

    What a handsome kitteh! I miss my own so much. Both passed in January, three weeks apart. I’ve considered getting another one, but vet care is so expensive. And I had to spend so much time watching my seniors for health problems that I’ve developed anxiety over caring for another living being. I’ve set a mourning period of a year, I’ll see where I am then.

    1. Angwyshaunce*

      I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. My kitty turns ten this month, and sometimes thinking about the inevitable makes me sad.

      When we got our bunny, we were considering getting pet insurance. But then I realized if I just put that money aside in saving, I wouldn’t lose it if we never used it (this only works if you don’t need a lot up front). Maybe setting aside a nominal amount each month ($20 or $40) will help in the future if you do decide to adopt again.

    2. cat socks*

      I’m so sorry you lost both kitties in such a short time period! I know what you mean about watching for health problems. I lost a kitty unexpectedly last year to heart failure. Then in February made the choice to say goodbye to another who had kidney disease and intestinal problems. The vet bills are so expensive.

      I have three other kitties and paws crossed they are healthy for now.

      Good idea to take your time and see how you feel!

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I just lost my older one last week. Been a rough week. I still have one at home, but she’s traditionally anti-other cat, so holding off on any decisions until I’ve got a good sense of what she ultimately wants.

      1. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

        I’m so sorry! It’s really hard to wake up and your loved one is just gone forever.

    5. StudentA*

      I am so sorry for your losses. This is heartbreaking. I hope you get over your anxiety soon.

  19. Loopy*

    Hmmmm this might be more of a work question though it’s firmly related to my hobby. Alison, please remove if I’m on the wrong side of the line.

    I want to basically try and financially cover my baking hobby. I was thinking of offering to bake for people just for the cost of ingredients (for special occasions) and just by word of mouth through coworkers/friends/family. But I’m not in business- I’m working out of my home and not insured yet. I read for my state that even cottage laws don’t apply if you net under 500 dollars.

    Still, is this type of arrangement going to get me in trouble if it looks like I’m selling/advertising? My biggest concern is being uninsured and working out of a home with a pet. I’d never try either if I was going to truly be in business!!! I feel like it’s toeing the line but I’m not really trying to be sneaky. I wouldn’t seek out profits or anything. I really just want to get a chance to build up my knowledge and maybe just cover a portion of the cost of doing that.

    Anyone want to weigh in on how risky something like this is?

    1. Lena Clare*

      Absolutely fine I’d think. You’re not making a profit and it’s not a business.
      People frequently buy me the ingredients for a cake and ask me to cook it.

      My mum gives me money for the Christmas dinner…eh, it’s fine.

      Consider that it’s a gift from a loved one which you pay back by baking them something nice :)

      1. Loopy*

        I thought it would be mostly okay at first but… others are making me worry :/ I’m so afraid of it going badly on me.

    2. foolofgrace*

      It’s one thing if people buy the ingredients and give them to you to bake, but it’s another thing altogether if you buy them and bake. I am thinking of someone having a bad reaction to something you baked and suing you. We live in a litigious society. I would up my insurance before doing this.

      1. Loopy*

        This makes me so sad but I see the reasoning. So basically unless you give baked goods away for free, there’s risk of litigation?

        1. Lena Clare*

          In the UK, you cannot sell them without some legalities and insurance in place. But you are allowed to make cakes and people are allowed to ‘make a donation’ and then it is not classed as a business transaction (that’s how cake sales for charity usually work as most don’t advertise as “for sale”).

          You would always be at risk of litigation if your cooking makes someone ill whether they contributed any money for it or not, but I think you will need to get legal advice before you embark upon this just to make sure you are within the confines of the law and also because it is worrying you so you can out your mind at rest.

          1. Loopy*

            I didn’t know the last bit about being at risk even if no money is involved. How do people ever host dinner parties then? I’d be constantly having an undercurrent of worry and cooking for anyone would never be fun for me.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Have you thought about baking at the other person’s home rather than yours? “Someone showed up at my house and baked me a cake with stuff in my kitchen, using ingredients that I’d already bought and had on hand, and didn’t charge me for it” sounds really, really different than “I bought a cake from someone” when trying to explain it to a third party later, so it might keep it further away from sounding like a possible business. (It would also keep any issues involving your pets or aspects of your home kitchen that might not meet commercial standards from coming into play.)

      1. Loopy*

        Honestly, I don’t know many people I’d bake for well enough to suggest I come over at bake at their place with all their stuff. It’s too bad it seems like people are leaning towards it being too risky, even when it’s just using my very immediate network.

        Now I’m wondering what happens if I offer to bake for free and they insist on paying. Do I have to refuse then? Just yesterday someone said they’d love one of my cakes for the boyfriends birthday and I said I’d happily do it for free and they said oh no, I’d insist on giving you something for it.

        Even just baking for free seems complicated :(

        1. AcademiaNut*

          I would think that it makes a difference who you’re doing this for. Baking for a good friend or family and having them cover the cost is one thing, but once you start going beyond that (friends of friends, coworkers, people you don’t know personally), you really are running a business, even if you aren’t making any money off of it (not making a profit is pretty common for newly started businesses, after all). That means that local laws regarding food prep apply, but it might also make your taxes a lot more complicated (again – not making a profit doesn’t mean it’s not a business).

          For the actual rules, it will vary depending on your area. The other thing, of course, is how likely you are to be caught and what the consequences are. There are a lot of people making money on enterprises that run cash under the table, word of mouth, not listed on taxes, after all – you’re supposed to declare things like babysitting income, after all. How much you are willing to risk on that is up to you.

          1. Helpful*

            Yeah, I think this comes down to assumption of risk— you can either fly under the radar and keep your fingers crossed, or you can build a legitimate business with the costs and protections thereof. Which do you want to do more?

    4. Just us chickens*

      I see so many people posting on the FB marketplace for food, and it always makes me wonder if the people putting up those posts make their food in a licensed space, or if it’s just out of their kitchens?

      Would you be able to sell your baking at fairs? I see a lot of people selling baked goods at the craft fair/markets I go to, and they tend to be small fairs, so I don’t know how strict the organisers are about having to have a license and all that.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well, we don’t know what state you live in so we can’t give you good advice. Apart from cottage industries, there’s also heath regulations once you start making food for money. So, yeah, google those.

    6. anonagain*

      I think you might be better off consulting an expert for advice on this. My best guess is only a guess, you know?

      Everything else aside, I personally would not bake for a coworker’s outside of work event, even for free. This is the kind of situation where I think people’s expectations can get out of hand really quickly and I wouldn’t want to find myself arguing with a coworker about cake.

      I hope you are able to find a solution that works for you. I’ve had some expensive hobbies in the past and it’s frustrating not to be able to do as much as you’d like.

      1. Helpful*

        Great point— I wonder if you could chat with someone who bakes for the local farmer’s market and ask how they approached these beginning questions.

  20. Falling Diphthong*

    Petty rant: The neighbors feel very strongly about the plants along the property line. While simultaneously being extremely indecisive. And mind-changey, so when you think you have pushed through the indecision and reached a decision *poof* it’s back to square one.

    1. Blue Eagle*

      Had this same issue. Resolved it by planting the plants I wanted on my side of the property line rather than ON the property line. Hope you are able to get the plants you want!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        They have rejected both “We’re fine with what’s there now and want to keep it” and “Look, we don’t care, if you want to replace those two plants just choose something and do it and leave us out of it” as things we can’t possibly mean.

        They are good neighbors in many ways, and an example of how “no is a complete sentence” doesn’t apply so easily when you want to have an ongoing positive relationship with the person.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Are there set-backs written in the zoning codes?
      Who will maintain the plants? Will that person be allowed on the neighbor’s property to maintain all sides of the plants?
      Set-backs, a distance in from the property line, can be a good thing.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      I’m petty enough to plant just inside my property line with what I want and eff ’em.

    4. Wulfgar*

      We got new neighbors a few years ago. They just started cutting down trees without a proper survey. We got one later, and they had taken half a dozen of our trees. Their side had a lot of dead trees, but we had some little ones that were doing really well. Then we put up property markers, and their kids took them out and used them as swords.

      This was before we moved in. A couple rows of pines had been planted on a little rise on the property line because the neighbor was an alcoholic and kept driving over the hill into our yard. Her husband was tired of fixing the yard, so he planted a lot of pines. Forty years later…

  21. LibbyG*

    I got a new shower curtain and for some reason I’m just delighted with it!

    What are some other cheap (say, less than $50) and fast (say, less than 1 hour) home spruce-ups have a nicely outsized impact?

    1. Lena Clare*

      Ooo good question.

      Clean the windows and the curtains. Wash the cushions and couch covers.
      Get a throw over the couch, or a new rug.
      Bleach the grout in the bathroom tiles.
      But a new bath towel set.
      Buy some new ceramic dishes for your kitchen.
      Get some grow-your-own herbs along the window sill.
      Move your bed to another side of the room.
      Change the bedding!

      I’m sure there’s loads of other things.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I just bought a new bed set for our bedroom on clearance for $38.00. Has bedskirt, cover, shams and decorative pillows. It really brightens things up. Even my husband commented that he likes it, and he’s usually meh..about such things.

    2. Wren*

      A ceiling hook or wall bracket for hanging plants. I had a decent amount of plants in the normal places: on window sills, end tables, big plants in a corner, and so on. Adding a few spots of live green at eye level or or in an otherwise empty corner of the ceiling really highlighted another dimension of those rooms. White space is really important to me and I can’t have too much on my walls or it doesn’t look restful, but a wall of living green somehow doesn’t ever look full or cluttered.

    3. Grace*

      This seems to be the week of me recommending YouTube channels (see up-thread where I ended up recommending a cooking channel) but there’s an interior design channel called Mr Kate that has a lot of low-budget room makeovers. Things like an entire bedroom/kitchen/living room for under $300 and so on.

      Because they give themselves a pretty low budget to do an entire room, a lot of it involves repurposing items that people already have in their homes – repainting drawers and putting new knobs on them, gallery walls, reupholstering stools (which appears to be surprisingly fast and easy for the cost of a bit of fabric, that could even be repurposed bedding or curtains) and so on. I’m already stockpiling ideas for my own place in the future (aka for when I actually have a place that I can decorate how I like), so I reckon it would be worth browsing a few of their ideas.

      1. LifeOrDeath*

        Oh may I recommend the YT channel clean my space – so motivating bc I loath cleaning

    4. Ranon*

      Decluttering a corner that’s been lightly bothering me
      Not appearance, but life quality: rearranging the pantry to make the thing that most annoys me about the current arrangement go away
      Deep clean the fridge
      Clean the mirrors
      Hang a picture or piece of art you’ve been meaning to hang
      Tidy the bookshelves, make room for art/ knickknacks/ plants
      Rearrange the furniture

    5. fposte*

      My bathroom cabinet makes me bizarrely happy.

      I wanted to group stuff, and I wanted to use things that could go in a dishwasher. Result: 3″ plastic kiddy cups in a bright array of colors, augmented by vintage sets of Japanese handle-less cups (that sounds fancier than it is–I mean getting off of Etsy the kind of stuff that was everywhere in the 1970s) for heavier things that would tip the cups. Toothpaste is standing upright and not gooping on my cabinet, tubes for eye stuff are all collected together, and it just looks very pleasing to me, and I have to look at it at least twice a day so I’m getting good mileage out of it.

    6. MissDisplaced*

      I’m like you in that changing out your bathroom theme (shower curtain, rugs, towels, caddies, etc.) really perks up the house.

    7. Kathenus*

      Rotating wall art – either relocating existing ones to new places or if you have more than you can fit (like me) change some out occasionally.

      New welcome mat or small area rug.

    8. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      New regular curtains can also be pretty inexpensive and change the look of a room. I’ve been slowly replacing all of the curtains in my house’s bedrooms with blackout curtains as I find ones I like on clearance.

      The home change that’s made me the happiest lately is that I got a big vertical organizer for my shower and it includes a soap dish that my soap does not fall out of, and a place to hang washcloths where they stay hung up. I didn’t realize how much the tiny built-in tub-level soap dish had been annoying me until I had the new organizer in place. It was only $20 and was theoretically a “tool free” assembly (which meant I needed a rubber mallet), so it was very little one-time hassle and has meant I am no longer picking soap or washcloths up off the bottom of the tub in my middle of my showers.

      1. Kathenus*

        In one room I rotate ‘summer’ curtains (that were ridiculously inexpensive) in summer with the blackout, better insulated curtains in winter. I agree that it’s a great quick makeover!

    9. JediSquirrel*

      Gallon of white paint plus random dark mistints. (These are paint that people have returned because it was the wrong color. My local place sells gallons for $10.00, quarts for $5.00, and the little tiny cans for $1.) Pour some white paint into a disposable container, add some mistint and stir. Add more until you get a pleasing color. Use to paint some window trim or a bathroom or bedroom door. If you can get the small cans of mistints, you can get a lot of different colors out of a single gallon of white paint.

      When my parents finished their previously empty basement, I did this with a five gallon bucket of white paint. Every room got painted a different pastel shade, and I think I spent just under $60. Not bad for an entire basement. (Of course, it took more than an hour, though.)

      1. LibbyG*

        I’ve scored some great mistints in the past, but I never thought of mixing them. Genius!

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I bought a bigger and cushier rug for my bedroom at Tuesday Morning. I’m very happy with it, although it’s a floofy tufted rag-style rug and I’m not sure how to vacuum it, LOL.

    11. Overeducated*

      I finally bought a cute cloth shower curtain after years and years of just using the clear plastic liner because “I shouldn’t spend money until I’m more settled down.” It made me soooooo happy.

    12. Marion Ravenwood*

      New cushion covers! I make a lot of my own because they’re super-easy and quick (it’s basically a square and two rectangles sewn together, so I can normally make one in around an hour), but they’re not expensive to buy and you can get so many fun designs. Depending on the season you can rotate them in and out too.

      I’m also a sucker for new bedlinen, especially in quirky and/or bright patterns.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Clean windows and/or window frames. Helps my mood like some people get from a shiny kitchen.

    14. HannahS*

      I bought one of those microwave egg cookers for six bucks at Walmart, and I’m SO excited. I grabbed some whole wheat buns at the store and I have shredded cheese in my freezer, so it’s going to be breakfast sandwiches for me from here on out! Woo hoOO!

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      It looks like an amazing race. I think my full marathon days are over, but I’ve wanted to do the half marathon for awhile.

      1. Wulfgar*

        It’s hilly! I have to work, but my husband is doing it. There’s free beer at a few stops, which is fun.

  23. LuJessMin*

    I’m about ready to strangle my 16yo orange girl cat. She has started howling in the wee hours of the morning. Took her to the vet on Thursday, and $254 later got a diagnosis of possible arthritis. They gave her a shot of Adequan Thursday and no howling that night. This morning she started howling about 6 am, but I think she was hungry. She ate, and she’s currently on the enclosed front porch, howling to come inside. She gets another shot on Sunday, and I hope that shuts her up for a couple of days because I work on M/T.

    1. Quandong*

      Please be patient with your poor cat! My 12-year-old was diagnosed with arthritis when he was 10. Once his pain was managed and he was comfortable, he was much more settled.

      I hope your cat responds well to the Adequan and that she can sleep more easily during the night soon.

    2. ATX Language Learner*

      CBD all the way!! I have a 13 year old dog and he has bad arthritis. Can’t jump on the bed, barely on the couch, he can’t get comfy laying down and his little back legs shake all the time. I started giving him CBD (had to mess with the dose because the recommended dose for his size was not enough, I have to give him double) and after a few weeks of taking it, he’s like a little spry pup!

      I also give it to my other dog who is 10, no arthritis but he’s a timid little thing and after taking it he’s frolicking around the house all confident and sassy like.

      Really cannot recommend CBD enough. It’s a miracle worker.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        CBD has been great for our dog’s anxiety. He doesn’t have physical problems so I can’t speak to that, but since we started the CBD treats he’s stopped barking for attention at 3am. The stuff is great.

        Now if only I could get him to stop waking up at 5:30am with the birdies…

        1. ATX Language Learner*

          Hahah that is too cute though! I am an early riser (even on weekends) and the birds are chirping away :P

    3. cat socks*

      Hope the medication helps! Did they check for thyroid and kidney levels in her bloodwork? Two of my kitties had those issues and I always reccomend checking for those, especially in older cats.

      2. JaneB*

        My girl was on slow dose of metacam for arthritis for the last couple of years of her life and was a much happier kitty for it – hope you find a regime that works!

        Also seconding the thyroid check – my sisters senior cat was so LOUD and ANNOYING until he got on a thyroid med, apparently yelling a lot at inconvenient times is a known symptom of thyroid issues in older cats….

    4. Hellanon*

      My old girl started developing some level of dementia at around that age, and would get distressed and start howling when she couldn’t figure out where she was supposed to be. I mostly solved it by going in and picking her up and putting her in her cat box – she’d scratch around for a bit, hop out and come find me. It was like reset button, for a bit anyways.

      1. Grace*

        Yes to the suggestion of dementia. We lost our darling girl at twenty-one last summer (well, less than a week before her 21st birthday) but she’d been yowling at the top of the stairs or in the downstairs bathroom for a few years before then. Until she went deaf, yelling her name (not aggressively or yelling *at* her, just alerting her that you were downstairs or whatever) usually worked, and she’d come to find you. After she went deaf, we went and found her and got into her eye-line, and then it was just “Oh, here’s my human, I guess it’s okay now.”

  24. Must sees in Spain*

    Good morning everyone! My husband and I will be spending 3 weeks in Spain in September. I have a great list going of some fun things to do in the areas we’ll be in but would love some recommendations!

    We enjoy outdoor activities (hiking, kayaking, paddle board, waterfall searching), LOVE hidden beaches in coves, cute intimate restaurants/bars, city exploring, wineries (I prefer small producers that use natural wine making methods vs mass producers), craft beer (IPAs and barrel aged stouts are the fav). We’re not religious so aside from visiting cathedrals to admire the architecture, we don’t have any interest in doing things like that.

    Here are the cities we’ll be in: Madrid, Pamplona, San Sebastian, Lloret de Mar (Costa Brava), Barcelona, Mallorca

    1. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      We did a day trip to Sa Calobra/Torrent de Pareis while on Mallorca which was VERY worth it in the hidden coves department. It’s not hidden as in unknown so expect lots of people but we were there in high season and it was still the highlight of our trip. You need to be comfortable with serpentines/switchbacks though – it’s 12km of twisty road to get to Sa Calobra, and you’re already going through the mountains before that. The landscape is spectacular.

    2. Lena Clare*

      I used to live in Barcelona, and even though you’re not religious (I’m not either) it’s really worth seeing the black Madonna at Montserrat monastery I’d say.

      Otherwise las Ramblas (buy a book ;)) and walking round Parc Güell are probably worth doing.

      Also if you can get to Las Figueres to the Salvadir Dali museum, and to Tossa de Mar or Roses for the beaches (Tossa is nicer and has coves etc, and go to the restaurants away from the front in the little alleyways) then you may like that.

      Oooo and the Camp Nou tour is fab even if you’re not a massive football fan…I mean, obviously don’t do it if you HATE football though!

    3. Apoch*

      The royal palace in Madrid is amazing, there’s a few food art galleries too if you’re into that sort of thing. In Barcelona the sagrada familia is worth visiting.

      I haven’t been to Mallorca since I was really young but the beaches there are awesome.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Agreeing on the sagrada familia. I generally don’t care about cathedrals, but that one’s special. Also, in Barcelona, spend a day getting lost in the gothic quarter, eating lots of ham and cava, churros, and various tapas. Good fun.

    4. Jemima Bond*

      I swear by the Rough Guide series of travel books. You can get the one for Spain on Amazon. They cover all types of touristing, accomm, eating/drinking, transport, varying budgets, emergency scenarios, hidden gems…plus they have interesting snippets to read about the culture and history of where you are. I recommend buying beforehand to read on the plane
      And help plan your holiday.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you’re close enough to the border with France, check the distance to the Dunes at Pyla (or Pilat, I’m seeing both spellings). It was one of my favorite day trips out of Bordeaux France.

    6. Jenny P*

      From San Sebastián you can do some of the Camino De Santiago heading east, and it’s a spectacular if hilly walk.

    7. Young coworker*

      Cuenca is a day trip from madrid and is fantastic. Google the pictures, the mountain landscape lookouts are amazing

  25. Coughy McCougherson*

    I want to thank everyone who mentioned pelvic floor therapy. My year long violent cough has induced stress incontinence and I thought I was stuck with it at least until the cough clears up, possibly forever, but now I won’t be! Thank you thank you thank you!

  26. Hopeful Future Accountant*

    (Please no mentions of Endgame in reply to this comment. I have not seen it yet.)

    Happy Free Comic Book Day!

    Is anyone going to be participating?

    My local comic book store is having a giant get together! I’m taking my service dog (who’s in the last couple weeks of training) so that he can see cosplayers for the first time! He’ll be coming with me to a weekend long convention this summer where I will be staffing (I’ll be on security, so I’ll be sitting outside panel rooms making sure people have their badges). I want to make sure he’s solid around cosplayers before then.

    1. Smol Book Wizard*

      That sounds awesome! I hope you and your dog have a good time!
      If it is allowed by his training, I might suggest bringing some treats that a few costumed folk can give him – that is how I got my little beastie to get used to small kids. She’s slow to trust new things and people but gets much more positive if food is involved.
      I had forgot it was Free Comic Book Day but I will have to drop by a shop later and see if I can join the celebration…

      1. Hopeful Future Accountant*

        That’s actually exactly what the trainer suggested I do! She told me to bring higher value treats so that he associates people in costumes with good things – especially since at least some cosplays aren’t easily recognizable as humans.

  27. Clever Pun Name*

    Not sure exactly how to word this, but I’d love some advice on how others have experienced the transition from working adult to full time stay-at-home parent. I’ve spent so much of my life in pursuit of shaping a career and cultivating a professional persona that now I’m a bit adrift. I mean absolutely no disrespect, but for me, I can’t help feeling like “just a mom” now. Even reading AAM feels a little like clinging to a past life! Thanks in advance!

    1. Kate*

      I strongly recommend reading some expat-type blogs— there are tons to choose from and this is a HUGE issue in the expat community.

    2. PhyllisB*

      I feel you, Clever!! I keep thinking about retiring, but I’ve worked since I was 16, and staying home full-time sounds scary to me!! (Retiring is not really the right word, I would just quit, I don’t get a retirement from this job.) As much as I love AAM, I know I have to find productive things to do when I make that decision.

    3. Helpful*

      Find something that is just for you. It might be an artistic hobby, a class, a sport, or some other activity. You’ll have something “going on” to talk to friends about and it will invigorate the time you have at home!

    4. Slartibartfast*

      I always liked home improvements, but I really got into it when the kids were small. I learned to set tile and change light fixtures, simple plumbing, small appliance repair and furniture refinishing. It gave me a sense of accomplishment to see my completed work around the house, and it felt like I was contributing financially, saving us money by not hiring these jobs out.

      1. Life is Good*

        This! I was able to stay home after the birth of my first until our second son was 5, nearly 30 years ago. I did a ton of home improvement tasks during that time and actually had the time to shop for the best prices and didn’t have to race through the weekend to do projects. I checked books out at the library (internet in its infancy, then) to learn how to tile, refinish furniture, garden, etc.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      Meeting people and finding a way to use your gifts and skills are really important. Even if they aren’t the same skills you used at work.

      Also, creating structure and working toward short and long-term goals, whether they’re creative, financial, household projects, or community oriented.

      There are many, many important roles in making society work that can’t be monetized. Parenting is one.

      Your career wasn’t 100percent of your whole life, but it was a keystone that shaped the way other things worked. So in leaving the job, it disrupted that pattern. That does make you feel adrift.

      Parenting is your keystone now, but it still isn’t going to be 100 percent of your life. You need to rebuild a new pattern around it.

      Best of luck!

    6. Slow crawl to SAH*

      Well, I haven’t. I’ve eased more and more out but am hanging on to consulting 10 hours/week. I have 3 kids 5 & under and some days I wonder what kind of crazy person does this to one’s self. I don’t miss the daily grind/tons of travel but I *do* miss Quiet Adult Time. My oldest goes to Kindergarten next year, and my other 2 will be in 1. preschool 15 hours a week 2. 10 hours/week of a “mom’s morning out” program + napping 1-3. So in theory I’ll have 3 days to myself from 9-3. I plan to work for those 10-15 hours.

      Part of the answer depends on how old your kids are and how many you have. You won’t have time to “find a hobby” with kids in diapers. My rising kindergartner does dance, soccer & tennis and that, plus preschool, plus play dates, plus my other 2 kids is a lot to stay on top of!

      If you have one and s/he’s an infant, try and make mom friends. Go to local library or town/community things for new moms. Be *very* aggressive/outgoing re: setting up meet ups and play dates. Don’t make it A Big Deal- just ask! “Hey, can I have your #? Would love to text you next time we’re headed to the library/playground/etc.”. And then just text and leave it open- “hey this is X from the library. We’re headed to the ABC playground this AM, would love to see you guys if you’re free!” Invite everyone you know. And don’t be offended when people are flakey or no-shows. Naps/tantrums/Bad Mornings happen. Eventually, you’ll make a friend or friend group and plan weekly casual gatherings. In no time, your kiddo will be in preschool. Then you can start inviting kids (or kids & moms) over for plaudates/group paydates. Just keep inviting and leaving it open/casual. My oldest is in preschool MWF now that it’s nice and every Tuesday or Thursday some mom or dad says “hey we’re going to be at playground ABC around 10 this morning- would love to see friendly faces!” And usually a handful of the class shows up and hangs out all day.

      1. Slow crawl to SAH*

        Oh, and if you are finding yourself with time, get active in the community. If your kids are in school, that’s one place. But the town, local charities, etc are others.

        Many SAH parents I know have taken up disrance running or signed up for a gym with childcare (I have done this but haven’t gotten the routine down) and start working toward fitness goals.

        As my oldest gets to be school age, many of her peers are the youngest- so parents that have been in the thick of babies are now looking for things to fill the days a bit more. THIS is the time for home improvement projects, part time/gig work, or even starting a new career or monitoring a hobby. A former SAH friend of mine has gotten to be a very well known floral arranger, another went into real estate sales. One went back to work PT as an attorney. One went back to work full time.

    7. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      Hi! I’m a SAHM who is addicted to AAM. Before my child was born I was a workaholic. This blog and its commenters give me my office life/office politics fix (thanks, everyone!).

      I haven’t really resolved the feelings you’re describing, but to echo Slartibartfast, solving problems around the house does help me feel productive. I can address issues I never would have had time to when I was working, and that does feel satisfying.

      I’d like to push back gently on the “just a mom” thing. Of course, you have every right to feel how you feel, strangers on the internet be damned. But I prefer to reframe that feeling for myself. The way our culture is dismissive toward moms (while relying utterly on them and their labor) is so backward it’s actually absurd. Before I was a mom, I felt dismissive too. When I would pass moms pushing strollers on the street, I would literally think, oh, they aren’t anyone who really matters. And I called myself a feminist.

      It’s well established that anytime a type of labor is feminized, both its status and its compensation drop (teaching, if I recall, and definitely nursing). It’s impossible to study this phenomenon with motherhood because, well, biology. But you don’t have to run a rigorous study to know that all the dismissiveness aimed at mothers sure isn’t coming out of egalitarianism and wokeness. Just picture yourself pushing that stroller right side up in an upside-down world. We’re right there with you! What you’re doing matters a great deal.

    8. tiasp*

      When I became a SAHM, I had this conversation a lot:
      Random person: “Are you still working?”
      Me: “I work all the time, I just don’t get paid.”

    9. Traffic_Spiral*

      1. Consider taking up writing.
      2. Get a kettlebell. You can always do a few reps in between other stuff, and it keeps you in shape.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A thought… My child’s elementary school benefitted greatly from a PTO president who started volunteering when she took time off for family medical care, and then decided to stay home for longer. Her organizational skills helped the school create an incredibly vibrant community of regular events that *the kids* tell new students about.
      Best part for her, the school had an actual desk space & mailbox for the PTO so she could go for an hour or 4 and no paperwork followed her home. Made it easy to transfer management to the next president too.

    11. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

      It takes a while to adjust (especially if you have an infant) It took me almost two years.

      Find some classes, clubs or other activities to get you out of the house.

  28. Doubts of the Eldest Kid*

    My younger sister is graduating from college next week and my younger brother will be doing the same in December. I’m really proud of both of them. They both had different medical issues that forced them to drop out of college for a time, my brother’s issues even bad enough we didn’t think he’d ever graduate, so it’s awesome to see them overcome their difficulties and complete their undergrads. But I have to admit I’m feeling slightly envious.

    When I graduated, I did a couple years in retail before getting a full-time job in a very toxic environment that did a lot of damage to my emotions on confidence. I got out of there and am in a much better place building myself back to who I was, figuring out where to go from here, in a job that is considered entry level. My sister, an Arts major, has a very prestigious internship in the UK lined up and my brother, a Business major, will have his pick up jobs thanks to our Dad’s business connections. I feel envious that they both have bright futures they’ll be immediately jumping into after graduation, where I had some major struggles and am still trying to rebound back to myself.

    The last thing I want to do is let my envy and self-doubt come through at their graduations, but we’ll be seeing family that only come out for big life celebrations, and I know they’ll turn to me after hearing about the plans of my siblings to say ‘And what are you up to nowadays?’ The answer is probably to just suck up my feelings because these are big days for the both of them but I can’t deny that the feelings of less successful than the two of them are sitting in the back of my mind.

    1. A Simple Narwhal*

      I think you’re downplaying your own accomplishments! You graduated college (on time it sounds like)! You got a job! You survived a toxic job and was able to leave said toxic job! You worked hard on yourself and have made great progress on undoing the damage caused by a bad job (which is a major accomplishment)! You have another job! You’re planning out your future! Sounds like you’re doing pretty dang good to me. Be proud of everything you’ve survived and accomplished, it’s certainly nothing to sneeze at.

      I bet if someone asked your younger siblings, they’d be just as proud of you as you are of them.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I agree – they probably see you as having overcome stuff (and you did) just as you’re proud of them for what they overcame.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      “I have decided to go in a different direction. Currently, I am doing X. How about you, what have you been up to these days?”
      Stick with current time as in, here is what I am doing now, then go right into the redirect. They will never notice you did not tell them about your future plans.

    3. Hopeful Future Accountant*

      I completely understand. My situation is similar but different. I’m the oldest of 2 (by two years) & and my sister is going to be finishing her bachelor’s this summer (graduation is this month but her class technically ends in June), has had a job she loves since before she finished her associate’s, and is likely going to be applying for a higher level job at the same place since the person currently in that position looks like he may be moving up as well. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to finish my associate’s degree & manage health issues. I’m hopeful I’ll be able to apply for internships soon, but that’s the most I can manage for now.

      Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice for you, but I wanted you to know that you aren’t alone in feeling like this.

    4. StudentA*

      Would it help to remember that when someone is asking you what you’re up to, they are not asking because they want to be impressed, they are asking because either a.) they care about you and are just catching up, or b.) they are making small talk?

      You say you are just getting around to building your life up after graduation. It sounds like that’s what your siblings did–build their lives up after illness. To be honest, they could *easily* look at *you* with envy. You have your health. And that is something many of us can’t ever have, no matter how much we build ourselves up. We kinda learn to live with it. And frankly the path you took is all too, too common and it doesn’t diminish you.

      There is no “probably.” The answer IS to suck up your feelings and focus on being happy for your siblings. And I agree with A Simple Narwhal. You sound way more accomplished than you give yourself credit for!

    5. Zathras*

      +1 to what A Simple Narwhal says – make sure to be proud of yourself! And I get a vibe that you feel like your job history is some kind of failure – it’s not! SO many people have that story where graduation was not followed by immediately living happily ever after. I did time in retail and in a (mildly) toxic job before getting the job I have now. (And I would guess that a lot the people that look like they have that story would disagree.)

      Also, distant relatives (at least the well-meaning ones) tend to take their cue from you. So if you respond to the “what are you up to?” question with”Oh, I got a new job at XYZ Corp, it’s been great so far! I love ABC thing about it. How have you been?” they will come away with the impression that you are kicking butt. (Which you are, by the way! Do not underestimate how many butt-kicking points you get for leaving a toxic job.)

  29. Bibliovore*

    Working on my commitment to have time off from work. Limiting to one hour on the Saturday and Sunday mornings to relieve the pressure then on to other things. Already did my email, and had a walk with the dog.
    Have house guests and we are doing lovely “staycation” things. Leisurely breakfast, a visit to a writing center, the Walker Sculpture garden (it is a spectacular day here) lunch at my favorite The World Street Kitchen then visiting 2 or 3 independent bookstores around town. This evening a performance at The Brave New Workshop.

    Thank you all for modeling sane and fun time off.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My big thrill when briefly in MN was crossing the Mighty Mississippi at a point where it was tiny. For some reason that stuck in my mind all these years.

  30. heckofabecca*

    I’m prepping to move into my first apartment, and I was wondering if there are any things that I might be forgetting to add to my shopping list :S (Bed is already on it, haha.) What’s something that seems to be left off of “get this!” lists that you’d recommend for someone who’s never lived on their own?

    1. Sapphire*

      A garbage can, garbage bags, a bath mat, a toilet brush, a broom, a mop, dish towels, dish rags. At least, those are the things I forgot when I moved into my first apartment. I’m sure you’ll encounter more as you go, but those are a good start.

    2. Ranon*

      As long as you have toilet paper, basic supplies for cleaning the place (no apartment we’ve ever moved into has been as clean as I prefer, professionally cleaned or not), basic supplies for feeding yourself, and a place to sleep, the rest can be sorted out over time.

      I really think it’s better to start with too little than too much- for starters it’s much cheaper to only buy what you need. And taking a little time means you can get exactly what suits you. I have no regrets about taking a few months to find just the right dining table on Craigslist, I love this table.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        this. So long as you can survive, just go and figure the rest of your stuff out later.

        Find some good thrift stores so you know where to go when you need another pan/spatula/chair/whatever.

    3. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      Bottle opener and corkscrew! I didn’t have those in my first flat and it led to some issues, as I am incapable of opening bottles with a lighter or on tables (I tried. It didn’t work out).

      1. Sapphire*

        I have learned how to open a beer bottle with a house key in a pinch, but a corkscrew is definitely a must!

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Ooh! big swiss army knife (or other multitool) with stuff like that in it.

    4. Anono-me*

      Tp and light bulbs. A dual purpose plunger, a fire extinguisher and a small tool kit (Most hardware stores have utterly ridiculous pink “ladies’ tool kits” that contain the basics for non handy people.).

      I have found it helpful when I move to have a suitcase with every thing I will need for a few days for the first couple of days.

      Congratulations on your new home.

      1. Ada*

        Seconding the plunger! That is NOT something you want to need and realize you don’t have!

        Also, look around the apartment and identify any rooms that don’t have a light source built into them, and make sure to get some kind of lamp for each one.

      2. Professional Merchandiser*

        I have one of those “utterly ridiculous” pink ladies tool kits, and it actually has been pretty handy. (I know you weren’t being insulting, I thought the same thing first time I saw one.) When I was doing resets, the men wouldn’t bring their company-issued tool boxes because they were bright yellow and they felt like that was to feminine for their tastes. So of course, they never had any tools (company issued those, too.) Well, they would “borrow” mine and then I’d never see them again. I got enough of that, so I bought one of those pink tool kits and put them in my tool box. Those guys couldn’t return those things quick enough!! Or some flat refused to use a hammer, whatever with a bright pink handle. Never lost a tool again. That is, until my grand-daughters got old enough to want to borrow them because they were “pretty.”

      1. Combinatorialist*

        This. Having to go to the store after a long gross day of moving in order to be able to shower is just sad

    6. heckofabecca*

      Thanks everyone!! I think the scariest part is that I’m moving things into this little studio from 3 different places (current living situation, my ex’s/my former place, and a storage unit) plus a bed delivery, so I’m kind of stressed about all the logistics! But it’ll work out in the end I’m sure XD

      (Don’t need a bottle opener/corkscrew since I don’t drink but that’s SUPER SMART.)

      1. Femme d'Afrique*

        Get something for yourself. Something that marks this moment.

        Something new and pretty. Maybe something that has no utilitarian value whatsoever: a pretty picture, a piece of fabric that is beautiful and of no (immediate) value, but that could one day be a table runner/a scarf/nothing at all, but that you like because it looks good, or because it reminds you of that time when you were a kid, or because it looks so sophisticated it makes you think of where you’d like to end up.

        I’ve moved several times before and I know that after I’ve unpacked, and I’ve finally allowed myself to lie back and admire my new surroundings, it’s made a huge difference to see that one thing that’s reminded me who I am and to kind of, I guess, mark this new moment. My old posters didn’t have the same effect because they were part of the things I’d moved with and were therefore part of the stuff I’d moved with. Indulge yourself.

    7. kc89*

      I always tell people for your first apartment just make sure you have a plate and a fork and you’ll be fine

      I think people can over-do it with the giant list of new things to buy

    8. Lilysparrow*

      Fire extinguisher and smoke detectors, if not already installed. Batteries in sizes to fit the detectors & any other items you have (clocks, remotes, etc).

      1. Alcott*

        Also lightbulbs. It always happens within a month of moving into a new place, the bulbs in the fixtures and the smoke detector batteries need to be replaced.

    10. Jemima Bond*

      Bin bags, cleaning cloths, some sort of general kitchen/bathroom detergent.
      Tin opener.
      Hanging rail if you haven’t got a wardrobe yet and there isn’t a built-in one.
      If you were British I’d say for the love of god make sure you have a kettle and some teabags but I’m not sure what the equivalent disastrous-if-forgotten item would be in America! Coffee filters?

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Windex. Everything’s brighter when my windows are clear. (And I don’t like the smell of plain ammonia.)
      A potholder–or a cotton towel you know won’t melt when used as a potholder.
      And stamps to keep in the spot you deal with mail.
      Good luck!

  31. Roy G Biv*

    Kitchen remodels – we were hoping for cabinet refacing, new counter tops. Maybe swap out the oldest appliance. But noooooo, we have rotted floor joists. May be looking at a complete gut job. We’re waiting on a contractor friend to come over and give a second opinion.

    Has anyone got advice/similar experience/how to preserve sanctity of marriage during a major renovation?

    1. LibbyG*

      Ugh! We had a surface-remodel turn into a big structural rebuild (adding greatly to the cost!). My mantra was, “Well, we had to fix it.”

      Maybe this is an invitation to rethink the kitchen layout more thoroughly? Since moving plumbing and electric around is now easier?

      Good luck!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes couples have to decide how to decide. So how do you guys make decisions as a team?

      My husband and I landed on playing to each person’s strengths. I got to decide the color of the siding for the house because in his words, “You are FAR better at it than I am.” He picked the tractor. He knew more about the machine just from looking at it, than I would ever know. I picked the pups, hee-hee, that was a FUN one. He had never had a dog and was perfectly content to let me decide for us.

      So what do you do when neither one of you knows? Well you bring in an outside expert. You talk to friends you both respect and see what they think. And you look at your budget to see what is doable. We had family and friends who knew more about fixing houses than we did and we were in agreement that we would both go along with what ever Frank said, or whatever Sue thought. We knew they had been through it themselves.

      Sometimes the real problem is not the decision itself, the problem is how do we make decisions that are inclusive of each other’s concerns.

      And get extra rest. Home remodeling is a major brain drain. It’s pretty normal to be tired and cranky, cranky and tired. Give yourselves extra down time on a regular basis to recoup.

    3. Bluebell*

      Hi! This forum gave me lots of good suggestions for the 7 weeks we were without a kitchen. We set up a temp kitchen in our dining room, moved the refrigerator and the microwave oven there. We ate a lot from Trader Joe’s and also relied on wonderful friends to feed us. It wasn’t easy but the results have been great. We have been in this house for 20 years and the kitchen needed updating when we moved in. Keep your expectations realistic and expect it will take even longer to finish everything. Good luck!

      1. Roy G. Biv*

        Do we live in the same house?? – “We have been in this house for 20 years and the kitchen needed updating when we moved in” is it in a nutshell!

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Set up a temporary mini-kitchen somewhere with a microwave and hot plate. Consider using paper plates during the project. Find a refuge outside the house – the library, etc. for some peace, if you need to. Put a lot of thought and effort into the design phase if you’re changing the kitchen layout. Budget for cost overruns – they always happen.
      Best Wishes for a new, wonderful kitchen!

    5. FancyNancy*

      We are 5 weeks into our “3-4 week” kitchen remodel, so I’m in the thick of it. I hear the loud noises of them installing cabinets now. I’m hoping that by the end of the week it will be done.

      A few words of advice for the contractor – will they assist with design decisions, or should you use an outside designer and they’ll just execute the plan? Do you want custom cabinetry or out of the box? Definitely take this time to rethink your layout and see how you can optimize the space – including things like light switches, lighting and outlets. But make as many of those decisions as you can on day 1, otherwise it could slow things down.

      As the contractor a lot of questions about what to expect – when will you get updates on the job (daily, weekly, etc)? How often are the “bosses” going to be at your house vs their employees or subcontractors? Will you be expected to step in and direct any work? How do they best want you to communicate questions or concerns to them along the way? How often do they complete in their estimated time and on the estimated budget? Do you need any permits from your local government for the job?

    6. university minion*

      Figure out your cooking/kitchen space ahead of time and make it a designated area.

      For some folks, weather permitting, that’s their gas grill, cooler, a rubbermaid tub and a garden hose outside (that’s actually my hurricane/power’s out for 10 days setup). Since you’ll have power, you might be able to just move your fridge to another room and still have cold stuff. Yay!

      If you prefer to do all your cooking indoors, a table/desk/cart with a toaster oven or microwave, coffee maker and induction burner or hotplate will get you far. If you have a bathroom with a bathtub, do your dishes there. It sucks somewhat less than trying to do them in a tiny bathroom sink. One pot meals are your go-to. Doing dishes sucks.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Sounds familiar…for us its the Instantpot on a picnic table under a popular tent next to the grill… and yes a garden hose.

    7. bunniferous*

      Get or borrow an instant pot along with your microwave, etc. Honestly depending on recipes I can get by with using my stove very little-it sucks not to have your kitchen during a remodel but you can do this!

      1. FancyNancy*

        The cooking part hasn’t really been that hard for me – between meals that need no cooking, the crock pot, electric skillet, grill and microwave we are eating really well and only getting takeout or going to a restaurant once or twice a week.

        It’s the doing the dishes in the tub that stinks the worst.

    8. Roy G. Biv*

      Thank you all for good ideas, things to watch for. Contractor friend works with a kitchen designer and she is coming over this week to take a look. I like the idea of putting the refrigerator and microwave in the dining room. We have a utility sink in the laundry room for doing dishes, if/when it comes to that. And luckily, it is officially Grilling Season in the Midwest, so I suppose this is the year to step up and learn to make lots of things on the grill.

  32. OperaArt*

    I was peripherally involved in an air rage incident this week.
    Our plane landed about 30 minutes late, so a flight attendant asked people in the front of the plane to stay seated so two people from around row 20 could catch a connecting flight.
    A man at the front of the plane ignored the request and jumped up to wrestle with his carry on bag in the overhead bin, effectively blocking the aisle.
    When Mr. Connection reached Mr, Overhead, he couldn’t get past. I don’t know what was said, but Mr. Overhead shoved Mr. Connection hard, causing him to fall and land on me. I was still seated.
    That’s right, the man who was causing the blockage did the shoving. Everyone at the front of the plane started yelling at Me. Overhead. The flight attendants told everyone to calm down. Since we were all at the very front of the plane, both Mr. Overhead and Mr. Connection dashed off as soon as they could.

    I got up and asked the flight attendants if they had seen what had happened. They had not, so I told them. Suddenly things got very official. The head flight attendant questioned me for her report, informed the captain, and requested a paramedic because I had a minor shoulder injury and we all wanted to make sure there was nothing worse. My adrenaline was so high I was shaking.

    The flight attendants had me stay on the plane until everyone was off, then walked me to the gate agent who had me wait in the boarding area. The paramedics showed up and established that my injuries were minor but my blood pressure was through the roof, which made sense in the circumstances.
    Then an airline supervisor showed up and I repeated the details to him, showing him on a seating chart where Mr. Overhead and I had been sitting. He also asked if I wanted to press charges. No, I wasn’t the person who was shoved, both the major players had disappeared, and I wasn’t hurt very badly.

    About an hour later, someone from the corporate office called to see how I was, with a little undercurrent of “Are you going to sue us?” No, the airline did nothing wrong, in fact they were friendly and professional the whole way.

    I do hope they ban Me. Overhead, but I didn’t ask them if that would happen.

    Pro tip—don’t try to catch someone who outweighs you by 60-80 pounds when you’re an older, not particularly muscular woman.

    1. Grace*

      Yikes. It sounds blood-pressure-raising even without someone landing on top of you.

      1. Pomona Sprout*

        I think my blood pressure went up just reading that!

        Mr. Overhead sounds like an entitled asshole.

    3. Rebecca*

      This post makes me ask “what is wrong with people?” Why can’t we be kind to that poor soul who is stressing about trying to make the next connection? Really, another few minutes isn’t going to matter, but it could matter a lot to the person trying to make that flight.

    5. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Ick! I hope the airline offered you some frequent-flyer miles or a discount for a future flight or something, not just an undercurrent of “Please don’t sue us!”

    6. Mimmy*

      It always irks me when people ignore flight attendants’ requests to stay seated to allow people with connecting flights to get off first. I’m glad you are okay. It would’ve been nice for the corporate office rep to show a little kindness and not jump to conclusions.

      1. OperaArt*

        She never specifically asked if I was going to sue. It was more of an undercurrent based on a few things she said.

        1. Mimmy*

          Oh I know she didn’t say anything directly. Even the undercurrent would’ve bothered me.

    7. Windchime*

      I’ve been on planes several times where they make the request to let people from the back of the plane get off quickly due to tight connections, and the request is always ignored. It’s maddening, and I wonder how many people actually make those tight connections. It reminds me of horses sprinting from the gates at a racetrack; as soon as the seatbelt light goes off, belts are unclicked and people spring to their feet and start trying to snatch their bags out of the overhead bin.

      1. Le Sigh*

        I was in a window seat next to a man traveling with his elderly mother. he had to turn her legs out into the aisle) (she used a wheel chair) to get his bags and help them along. People could not wait the minute required to let him maneuver her, instead pushing past this woman instead of letting him just get on their way.

  33. Sam Sepiol*

    I have a really stupid question.
    I don’t know how to put pictures/prints/photos etc up.
    I have recently bought some prints and want to get some photos printed to display but… I don’t know how to put them onto the wall. Do I just hammer a nail into the wall? (When I’ve done this before the plaster has cracked even though we’ve had what seemed to be a decent plastering job not that long before.) One has little screws and D ring kind of things. I don’t have a clue what I’m supposed to do with it all.
    Help??

    1. Grace*

      Search for “picture hooks” – that’s what you want. Technically they involve putting nails in the wall, but the nails are tiny, and the holes they leave are barely bigger than push-pins. There are also hooks that come pre-loaded with tiny nails (your best bet would probably be searching for “plastic picture hooks” or “hard wall picture hooks”, you’ll know them when you see them) so you don’t have to mess about holding the nail in place before hammering.

      When you say “D ring things”, do you mean on the back of the picture frame? If so, that’s where the hooks for the picture hooks slip into.

    2. WellRed*

      Picture hanging hooks. You use a nail to attach to wall (tap gently). They come in varying sizes. A small lightweight picture can go up with just one.

    3. Persephone Mulberry*

      The screws and D rings are for attaching picture hanging wire, which it sounds like you’ll need to buy separately. “Google how to attach pictures hanging with” and you’ll have lots of step by step results to choose from.

      As for how to hang, look for the picture hanging kits in the home improvement section at Target, etc (near the lightbulbs, paint and duct tape). They come with a thin nail (so to minimize the hole in your wall) and a little J-hook thing to hang the picture from. The J-hook helps distribute the weight of the picture and is less damaging to the wall than hanging the picture directly on the nail.

      1. Persephone Mulberry*

        **”how to attach picture hanging WIRE”, in case that wasn’t obvious.

    4. fposte*

      Yes, don’t use the hooks that were included with the frames. Get Floreats.

      I also highly recommend making a color copy of the artwork in question and sticking it up on the wall first just in paper form to make sure it’s placed where you want and give you a chance to get used to it and move it around. Ideally you’ll hang on a stud, but 1) it can be hard to find studs behind plaster and 2) it doesn’t sound like you’re hanging anything so heavy that a Floreat in plaster couldn’t manage.

      My house has a lot of plaster (it’s a mix), and I do have one spot that just crumbled for the hell of it when hanging something; I don’t think it’s always something you have control over.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        I also highly recommend making a color copy of the artwork in question and sticking it up on the wall first just in paper form to make sure it’s placed where you want and give you a chance to get used to it and move it around.
        Fantastic idea! Never would have thought of it! Thank you.

      2. Weegie*

        What an excellent idea to place a copy on the wall first! Stupidly never thought of that before. I always end up leaping on and off a chair and moving the hanging pins and hooks.

      3. Old Cynic*

        Yes, use Floreats. The nails are thinner than the other kind of standard picture hooks so it’s less likely to shatter the plaster. The frame weight is transferred from the nail to the hook, it kind of bonds to the wall.

    5. Sam Sepiol*

      I love you all so much.
      I wasn’t “allowed” to do this stuff while married so it feels both Really Important but also Really Scary.
      I’ll report back!

      1. BelleMorte*

        You can also use command hooks and Velcro stickers. I have a 120 year old house with plaster lathe walls that can’t hold a nail, so I use command hooks with some extra Velcro stickers for more support, works pretty well.

        1. CoffeeforLife*

          Yes!! I used the command velcro strips and they are awesome. Picture hanging was a breeze.

          1. Jemima Bond*

            That’s interesting, we used the Velcro strips for some fairly light canvases on my OH’s modern flat walls (so nice and regular and smooth and painted not rough or wonky) and they were rubbish. All four canvases fell down within a week!

          2. Marion Ravenwood*

            Thirding Command Velcro strips. They were a godsend when I lived in rented accommodation and couldn’t mark the walls, as well as being super easy to put up.

          3. Seeking Second Childhood*

            IMHO Command hooks should be heavier rating than you need because the Christmas decoration ones fall fast even if it’s just a kid’s beads.
            Real plaster has its own issues, I was once told to put a tiny piece masking tape at the spot where the nail needed to go to keep the edges from crumbling. If you have strong moldings consider hanging pics from wire attached to those. pre-drill holes with something smaller than the fastener you’re using….and consider molly bolts for heavy things.
            Readers Digest has a great intro book…it’s on my to be replaced list because I haven’t seen it since our move.

    6. Sideboard*

      Sam, I had the same question!! Glad you asked :)

      Now, Floreat hangers or Command strips? Pros and cons?

      I can’t wait to make color copies of my artwork for placement testing!

    7. Everdene*

      If you have a lot of pictures to hang ikea have a kit with about 4 different types of hook. That would give you a way to experiment cheaply with what type of hook works best on different surfaces and different types of frame. (I’ve used more than one of these kits as all the hooks are useful for my variety of pictures. Used 2 just today for different things.)

    8. Jemima Bond*

      If you do use picture nails, as in thin single nails, tap them in at a slight downward angle. This is more secure.
      My thoughts are above re the sticky strip things!
      I really like the plastic hooks that have four tiny pins on the reverse. They don’t make big or deep holes but stay in place well and are easy to use.

      Whatever you do, don’t accidentally put a nail through your electricity wires or water pipes. It’s easy to figure out where the pipes are by starting with your main feed probably under the kitchen sink and going, yes that goes towards the bathroom there and nowhere near this living room wall, type thing. For the wires unless your home is very unusual the wires will be on a straight line vertically or horizontally from the plug sockets. So as long as you are not hammering directly above or below a socket or switch plate, or on the same horizontal line, you should be fine.

  34. Jaid*

    My car had a weird start (all the lights flashed and the engine didn’t sound like it was catching), so I’m taking it into the dealers on Monday.

    I wanted to go to the movies today, but not if I have to worry about the engine crapping out on me.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      If the car cranked for longer than usual but then started on the first or second try, my experience suggests that it’s more than likely a fluke. Could be a low battery, if battery hasn’t been changed for a few years, especially if it’s unusually cold or hot where you are.

      If, on the other hand, the dashboard lights came on but the engine initially wasn’t cranking at all, you may have an electrical connection at the battery or starter that came loose, or the battery or starter may need to be replaced. In that case, I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving the car anywhere but the dealer either.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Hopefully it’s something like the key switch or the starter. But yeah, wise to get it to the shop. I hope it is not as bad as an engine problem.

    3. Jaid*

      Thanks guys! Fortunately, I didn’t really plan on going out, except for the movie, so I have my groceries already in the house.
      And I have PTO and nothing pressing at work, so I’m not worried about that!

      1. JustDesserts*

        If they are keeping your car for a long time, some dealers will give you a loaner so you can still have your day or provide a shuttle to bring you home (or the movies :)). I’ve gotten dropped off at the train station so I could still go to work.

        1. Jaid*

          My shift starts at 6, is in the city, and I take public transportation in. I can’t bring the car in until 8.30. Being driven to Regional Rail (runs once an hour, BTW), I still will have missed half a day and they don’t offer loaners like that. Hell they don’t even have their own shuttles anymore, they use Lyft!

    4. Mike C.*

      You didn’t try it again? This happens from time to time and it’s not a big deal. This isn’t a sign that there’s a problem with your engine because the problem occurred before your engine even started.

  35. Sapphire*

    Hey all! So all things considered, my relationship with my new partner is going fairly well, except for it being difficult to see him. He started a new retail job (with all that that implies, so random schedule changes and having to cover shifts on his day off).

    Does anyone have advice for making sure there’s time together? Have you ever worked a 9-5 while your partner works retail? How did you work it out? Moving in together isn’t an option right now, since I want to wait at least a year before taking that step.

    1. ConflictingSchedulesIsTough*

      You may already be doing this, and it doesn’t solve the problem of not being able to see each other as often as you want but one thing that helps my partner and I feel connected during times when our schedules don’t align (we both have irregular, changing schedules) is to make use of the phone. It’s not as good as seeing each other in person but chatting on the phone during his 15 minute break at work is almost like a mini date, much more personal than texting or instant messaging. Being able to talk about our days aloud is helpful when we can’t see each other in person for a while. Also, I totally understand your reasoning for not wanting to live together yet but if you’re open to sleepovers I find they help a lot too. Even if you’re not able to hang out much because they get off late at night or something, cuddling and sleeping beside each other can be a big bonding activity/connection builder to make it easier, even if it means they come over just to go straight to bed.

      1. Sapphire*

        We’ve been doing more phone calls, and that helps a lot. I even said to him “Even a phone call is better than not seeing each other,” so that’s helping. We’re also trying to get away for sleepovers at my apartment since I have the queen bed, but that’s been a little harder to schedule. It’s good to know that we’re in the right direction, at least. He’s also been better about letting me know in advance if plans need to change, rather than me asking.

    2. university minion*

      For many years, I was your partner. First off, is retail a career for him or a stopping point on the way to some other career? That makes a difference.
      If it’s a career, you’ll need to understand that his schedule will come first 100% of the time. He doesn’t have a say most of the time. People who get promoted are always available. It sucks and is a lot of why I am no longer in retail.
      Other than that, it sounds like you’re doing things right. My now-ex used to – in all seriousness- ask me, “So what do you have planned for today?” after I got home from a 14 hour overnight shift. Sleep. Survival. That’s literally it. It really got under my skin that he’d give me hell for scheduling stuff that was completely not in my control. I needed commiseration, not derision.
      Does he share his schedule with you? If so, start looking at events on weeknights or weekdays when he’s off. If you see something awesome, consider taking a few hours of leave to have a date from time to time.

      1. Sapphire*

        I’m not sure it’s a career for him, but I know he doesn’t have a bachelor’s degree, so it’s kind of a survival strategy at this point. He also is very frustrated by retail because of the things we’ve both brought up regarding schedules. I’m trying to keep in mind to be patient with his schedule because I know this isn’t what he wants either, but thank you for reminding me that I don’t need to make it worse. The taking leave is also a good idea because I have a flexible schedule, though I do have to save my PTO for a Europe trip soon.

    3. Batgirl*

      When I worked shifts, I did the following:
      – Asked for a standing ‘do not schedule me’ slot. No one cared about Wednesday afternoons so those were for us.
      – We calibrated our calendars weekly. If you book in some time with each other as soon as you get the shift rota you won’t lose any more time to mis-scheduling other commitments (and it’s less annoying than checking everything with them). Expect some plans to go under and schedule a bit more than necessary. Make the plans quite casual too like ‘pizza and a movie on day A; to be possibly rescheduled for day B’. Make your own ‘me time’ plans so if you can go to a yoga class on either A or B, or catch up with Netflix then plan to do that on the day he ends up working.
      – Unusual date times. As a shift worker I really enjoyed getting picked up and taken out for pizza while I was still pumped or meeting up for breakfast or going to the zoo in the afternoon. Car journey time together is vastly underrated too.
      – If he gets weekdays off he could see you at lunch.

      1. Sapphire*

        I may ask if he could ask for a “do not schedule me” time, but the store is understaffed and he’s new, so I don’t know how well it’ll work right now. We were supposed to get together last night, but his roommate was sick so he had to stay there. I had to tell him that if we weren’t going to see each other as often, I’d like to hear from him more in other ways to cope until I can actually see him.

        1. Batgirl*

          Sometimes you can ask rather than insist, like: “I have a standing weekly appointment I need to make (ask which day is best) then say ‘Try not to schedule me in that day except for emergencies. I can cancel it if you really need me though” Then if they call him in he should barter to have the plan B day off.

          Make sure he is engaging with you you on this topic. If he’s very ‘meh’ then just make whatever plans you want for yourself, give him a few options of days to wander by and see if he sinks or swims.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Can he meet you at work for lunch on the days he works late or has a surprise day off?

      1. Sapphire*

        The other complicating factor is he doesn’t drive and lives and works in the suburbs. And he doesn’t really get breaks. So everything does have to be planned out.

  36. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Our lease is up at the end of June, we’re definitely moving, and our landlord wants to sell the house. He tried to sell the house a couple of years ago, 6 months into a 2-year lease with us, and his real estate agents were annoying as hell. That sale failed and he ended up re-financing. This time it sounds like he has a new real estate agent and that he’s serious about selling, so I’m trying to look on the bright side here– for one thing, his real estate agent suggested he make some improvements to the home before listing it including sprucing up the yard, so I won’t have to pay to have it mulched and weeded as I planned to do before we moved out. I’m also pretty certain that no one will buy the house itself– it needs a lot of work– but the location is extremely desirable and people often (sadly) buy these old houses for the land and tear them down. If that happens, we won’t even have to spackle or deep clean, which would be a huge relief. Just crossing my fingers that this will be less annoying than last time.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Your landlord might be eager to keep your security deposit, given the chance. Use text or email to get agreements in writing on what you need to do or can skip to get your money back upon leaving his house.
      Hope you find a great place to live!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Oh, he would keep it all if he could, so yes, EVERYTHING is in writing. And I keep all the emails. Every communication with this guy from the last five years!

  37. Lady Jay*

    Audiobook recommendations, please! I’ve got a 6-hour, 1-way drive for work next week and would love something to listen to. I like nonfiction for my audiobooks; previous favorites include Born a Crime (Trevor Noah), The Disappearing Spoon (Sam Kean), and North (Scott Jurek).

    1. Ada*

      It won’t get you through the whole drive, but I highly recommend If You Ask Me (But Of Course You Won’t) – read by the author herself: Betty White! One of the best audiobooks I’ve listened to to-date.

    2. BRR*

      Tina Fey’s Bossy Pants. Amy Porhlers Yes Please. Mindy kaling books but I cant remember the name.

    3. LibbyG*

      You might like Tara Westover’s Educated. I print-read it, but I think it would be great in audio too.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Thanks! I read that last Thanksgiving on a 13-hour, 1-way drive home for the holiday. I pressed “play” as I left my driveway and didn’t stop listening until I pulled into my destination. It was such a compelling narrative.

    5. Lemonwhirl*

      “Say Nothing” by Patrick Radden Keefe is a fantastic non-fiction book about The Troubles in Northern Ireland. It juxtaposes the disappearance of Jean McConville, a widowed mother of 10 who was accused by the IRA of being an informer, and the story of Delours Price, an IRA member who was convicted of a bombing in London.

      The audiobook is incredible – the narrator has a Northern Irish accent – and the material reads so well out loud. It’s a compelling story with a lot of shades of grey. I found it both riveting and informative. (It’s also super-long too.)

    7. Aphrodite*

      I love nonfiction audiobooks. (Even though I don’t read fiction, I find some to be great in audio, especially classics like Dracula and Frankenstein.) Some ones I have now include any of Simon Winchester’s books that he reads, especially Krakatoa and In a Sunburned Country, most of Bill Bryson’s (that he reads), The Path Between the Seas, The Johnstown Flood, Michael’s Crichton’s The Great Train Robbery, the surprisingly good novel by Nelson DeMille called Night Fall, Ruth Reich’s My Kitchen Year (the only frustrating part being I couldn’t fix the mouthwatering recipes she was reciting), another surprising novel called April in Paris.

    9. GoryDetails*

      Second some of the previous suggestions, including David Sedaris and Mary Roach. I also love Sarah Vowell’s books. And a recent discovery for me: the wacky travel-narratives of Tony James Slater, narrated marvelously by Tim Campbell. Whether he’s recounting a year-long trek around Australia (Kamikaze Kangaroos) or six months in the Far East (Shave My Spider!), I find him hilarious.

    10. Sungold*

      Hi! Lurker here and another fan of Born A Crime. Nonfiction books that particularly held my interest on some recent 8-hour drives, as well as a trip across country and back again:
      -Becoming by Michelle Obama
      -My Beloved World by Sonia Sotomayor
      -Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance
      -Save Me the Plums: My Gourmet Memoir by Ruth Reichl
      -Notes from a Young Black Chef: A Memoir by Kwame Onwuachi (very-well-ghost-written by Joshua David Stein)
      -Across that Bridge: A Vision for Change and the Future of America by John Lewis
      -And I second the recommendation for Educated by Tara Westover. The miles flew by though I had to skip a couple of gory descriptions of injuries suffered by family members

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My two favorite non-fiction audiobooks are Salt, and Cod, both by Mark Kurlansky.

    12. No fan of Chaos*

      Grey Day-the true story of getting the goods on long time spy Robert Hanson. I couldn’t turn it off and every one of my family who heard 5 minutes-bought it.

    13. 00ff00Claire*

      For nonfiction audio books, I recommend The Lost City of Z by David Grann and The Republic of Pirates by Colin Woodard. Also anything by Bill Bryson that he narrates, but especially the one about the Thunderbolt Kid.

  38. lemon*

    I need new (women’s) undies and my go-to gap body just don’t hold up anymore. All the podcasts are advertising online brands these days, Tommy Jon, MeUndies, etc. Has anyone tried any of these? Good, bad, recs?

    1. MeUndiesReview*

      I like MeUndies a lot, I find them a bit expensive so I had to stop the subscription but if you can afford them, I think they’re worth it (I’m a broke student who can’t afford much at the moment). They are very, very soft and have held up well so far. I’ve only tried the women’s boyshorts and my partner likes the men’s boxer briefs (I do too, actually, I ordered a few pairs for myself because they’re longer in the leg than the women’s which I prefer for sleeping in). I also have the U back bralette, which I like a lot but it doesn’t have much support for larger breasts. I wear it around the house because I live with my in-laws and I’m not comfortable being braless around them but I don’t want to wear an uncomfortable underwire all the time.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      IDK, I really don’t get spending a lot on undies. I wouldn’t buy online because they’re something I need to see and feel.
      Generally, I’ll just get at Target or Walmart in multi-packs. If they have a Burlington Coat Factory store near you, it’s a good place for underwear and shape wear.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I wore Hanes for years but honestly they weren’t that comfortable and didn’t fit well. It’s ok to spend a little more for higher quality that hold up better and feel better on you. I wear Aerie now and get them on sale for $2.50-$3 a pair and the difference is noticeable.

      2. PhyllisB*

        I understand not wanting to spend a lot on panties, slips and such, but buy GOOD bras. No, they’re not cheap, but cheap bras are not worth what you pay for them. I usually wait until my local department store has a sale and replenish/stock up then. The one I’m wearing right now I’ve had for five years, and still looks/supports great. Another suggestion: if you go the Good Bra route, get a professional fitting. I finally broke down and did that when I bought afore-mentioned bra, and was shocked to discover that I was wearing too big a band size and too small a cup size. I had been buying 44D when what I really needed was 40DD. It made all the difference in the world in how my clothes fit and “the girls” look pretty good, too.

    3. fposte*

      Wirecutter recommends Patagonia if you’re willing to pay the higher price, Uniqlo if you’re looking for a lower price point and run small enough to fit into them.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes, I swore by Aerie until they stopped making my style. (Jesus wept, why is it so damn hard to find plain black cotton string bikini underwear. Everyone has discontinued them.)

        1. Arts Akimbo*

          Oh! Em! Gee! You are preaching my sermon here!!! I only want plain black cotton string bikini underwear, too, and I just don’t understand why the concept that grown-ass women might want grown-ass-looking underwear that doesn’t give us yeast infections is so completely alien to the fashion industry! I don’t want colors and prints that make me feel like I’m wearing little girl’s wear. And I don’t want anything not cotton. (The new synthetics and even the wool undies can say all day long how healthy they are, but my body reacts badly to anything but cotton.)

          Then again, this is the same industry that insists ankle pants make great businesswear and won’t put pockets in women’s blazers. (Can you tell I’ve been embittered by recent shopping trips??)

    5. Book Lover*

      I just go for jockey and buy online. I did try meundies and they are very nice and soft but I am not sure I think they are worth the price. Customer service was very good when I got the wrong size though.

    6. Lepidoptera*

      I bought a giant box of Victoria’s Secret cotton low-rise bikinis when they started to phase them out. I have no idea what I’ll do once they’re all worn out. I hate artificial fabrics for underwear, but it’s getting hard to find anything else.

    7. blackcat*

      What are you looking for in your undies?
      If you want basic cotton and don’t mind helping Jeff Bezos become even richer, I am weirdly pleased with some Amazon Basics panties. Cheap, comfy, holding up well.

    8. Aphrodite*

      I buy Jockey’s for Her. I find them very comfortable, well made, and they hold up extremely well–and come in a wide variety of sizes and styles.

    9. mreasy*

      I also was betrayed by Gap Body. Do you have a Muji nearby? If so, theirs are fantastic, not too expensive, and seem high quality. I have to size up when I buy them.

      1. AlaskaBlue*

        Oh no! Long time gap body underwear wearer and will ned to restock this summer. So sad to hear they don’t work anymore. What’s gone wrong with them?

    10. LizB*

      I was kind of disappointed by MeUndies after hearing a million podcast advertisements for them — their women’s underwear sizing doesn’t go up very big, especially for the fun patterns, so I bought the biggest size and they’re on the they-fit-but-they’re-kinda-small side for me. If you’re not in the plus size range, though, I think they’re probably great! They are absolutely as soft as advertised and I love the strawberry print.

      I had better luck sizing-wise with TomboyX, which I get a lot of facebook ads for because I’m queer and the algorithms know it, lol. They’re not as soft, but there are more fun patterns and I like the y-front style I got more than I expected I would. My fave part of my purchase was a set of briefs and a soft bra (basically a bralette) both in a matching pattern of dinosaurs.

      1. Arjay*

        I’m sized out of MeUndies too, which is irritating since the men’s sizes go firther into an extended range than the women’s. I bought sone for my husband, and while they are soft, he has no butt and they slide down on him. He also finds them, uh, unsupportive.
        I had a Spendies subscription for a while, but the sizing was all over the place since they ship multiple brands. If I could have gotten 3 cute pairs that fit most months, I might still be suscribing, but I’d get maybe 2 orut of 3 that worked for me. Sometimes only 1 out of 3. My underwear drawer is full of lacy little scraps that I save for my “gosh, I really need to do laundry” days.

    11. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

      I go to Soma and get lace trimmed bamboo fiber. They are pretty and comfortable! Soma frequently has sales so the prices are good as well

  39. Anon anony*

    I woke up last Sunday with pain on the right side of my jaw. I have a dentist appointment this morning because it still hurts, I can’t chew on the right side, and my bite is off. (My teeth aren’t touching on the right side.) Has anyone had this? I just hope that it’s nothing bad or serious. I had to have eye surgery and now this. Not to complain, there are people with worse situations, but I’m getting tired of this.

    1. WellRed*

      It could be serious, it could be as simple as a seed or kernel got caught somewhere.

    2. Amber Rose*

      Sounds like a TMJ issue, which can range from extremely minor to somewhat more complicated. I’ve had it a handful of times and always managed to fix it myself.

      Google TMJ massage and see if any of those exercises help.

      1. Anon anony*

        That’s what the doctor said. They said to come back Mon. or Tues. if it gets worse. I feel stupid, but at least I know.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      You might need a night guard if you’re clenching or grinding your teeth while sleeping.
      Hope it’s something easy to address.

  40. Rebecca*

    I sent my PA a big thank you via my physician’s practice website. I cannot tell you how much the new meds have helped my pain levels! After just 3 weeks, I feel so much better, and while there is still pain and stiffness, it’s so drastically reduced, and now I feel like I can get back on my bike, and actually go for real hikes again. I may have to have knee replacement at some point, but at least for now, I can go up and down steps one foot after the other, both ways, I can drive for more than 15 minutes without my leg cramping up and my knee feeling like it’s in a vice (no more oh, man, do I really need to use the brake now, why can’t I just coast into that car in front of me to stop, this really hurts!!), I can sit at my desk at work and not worry about when I stand up how long it will take me to get moving, or if I’ll get some sort of muscle spasm, that type of thing. And so far, so good with the side effects, as in, I don’t seem to have any, so that’s good. Keeping the appointment with the specialist in September.

    On the EXH front and the rogue prescription, I sent all of the info to my attorney just in case the bill does go to a collection agency, and I’m not going to think about it further unless something happens.

    I finished reading “In Defense of Food” and it has made me think about what’s on the label and what is actually in the food I’m eating. I’m trying to eat more real food and a lot less processed food. Right now, I think I’m about 80% real food and 20% processed most of the time. Hoping to take off some weight as well now that I’m not in pain all the time and I can get more exercise and fresh air. It’s also on Netflix, so I think I might watch the episodes, too.

    Does anyone else like to go back and rewatch older TV series shows? Right now I’m rewatching NYPD Blue, and enjoying it quite a bit.

    2. WellRed*

      I’m on a big Law and Order kick. A few years ago, I found a bargain DVD of the show Hunter, which I loved when it was on tv. My roommate and I watched an episode every night for 2 weeks. Boy, was it dated.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        I’ve been watching Season One of Law & Order. So far I’ve seen the young Cynthia Nixon, Aida Turturo, Patricia Clarkson, Samuel L. Jackson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and others in bit parts! It like a game to Spot the Future Star. :)

        1. Rebecca*

          That’s my favorite part, seeing future TV or movie stars in an early appearance!

        2. rider on the storm*

          And John Spencer is in the very first episode! (Well, the pilot was moved into season 1)
          Law and Order (also Criminal Intent) are my go to’s, especially the early Briscoe years. I also go back to ER (pre -Mark Greene/Benton/Carter leaving).

          1. MsChanandlerBong*

            I recently watched all 15 seasons of ER. “The Beach” gets me bawling every time. As well as the episode with Carter and Lucy (not mentioning what happens in case some of you haven’t seen it yet!).

        3. SpellingBee*

          Oh, I have a story about bit parts in Law & Order. When I lived in New York one of the attorneys I worked for there had done some acting work on the side, which I knew but never really thought about. One night late I was surfing around on TV and came across an old rerun of Law & Order and to my surprise there was my boss in a bit part! It totally ruined the TV story for me, though, because I couldn’t reconcile the person that I knew into the part he was playing. I told him about it the next day and he said “Great! That means I’ll be getting a royalty check!”

        4. Rebecca*

          I just saw Kyle Secor in a role in NYPD Blue, season 1, who went on to play a detective in Homicide Life on the Street. It took me a few minutes to place him, but then it clicked!

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        You want to talk dated? My 12yo loves Macgyver….the ORIGINAL one!

        1. Arts Akimbo*

          Haha, that’s awesome!! My teen loves the Golden Girls and the Dick Van Dyke Show!

    3. Aphrodite*

      I watch online because I have no television but I enjoy the Rockford Files, the Bob Newhart Show (the original), Mary Tyler Moore (I”ll never tire of Chuckles the Clown’s death). I tried Hill Street Blues, which I loved when it originally aired but even now I still cringe and even hide my eyes at the shows. Man, that was brutal. So after six episodes I stopped watching. I also tried LA Law but hadn’t seen it in its original airing past the third season–I had gotten rid of my television by then–and it got WEIRD. I felt so uncomfortable with the direction and storylines and new people that I stopped altogether. I do wish I could find all (any actually!) of the Murphy Brown ones; I only vaguely recall the constant line of new secretaries who didn’t work out, and the writing was truly outstanding.

    4. Arts Akimbo*

      My spouse is currently re-watching Cagney & Lacey– it’s on Netflix now, I think. He’s really enjoying it! I’m re-watching all the Time Team I can get my mitts on!

    5. nonegiven*

      90% of what I watch is older shows, some I have seen before, some I haven’t

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      A bit late to the party, but really glad to hear about your regained mobility and leaving the pain behind!

  41. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    So my anxiety is really bad, and I’m starting to look into half day intensive outpatient programs or similar. Gotta be able to come home to my jerk kitties!

    I guess now I’m just really anxious about THAT. I hate the idea of group therapy because of the other people and the vulnerability, and I’m worried about people finding out what’s going on and it impacting my career (eventually want a good and stable lawyer job). And insurance coverage. I mean, I am not trying nor want to kill or hurt myself- I‘m just extremely anxious!

    And since the stress has led me to stutter noticeably on normal topics and incomprehensibly on difficult ones, I don’t even know, practically speaking, how to pursue treatment when I cannot really make myself understood! Argh.

    1. LGC (I go by Barebecue IRL)*

      I’m really sorry about that! Hopefully you’re able to get the care you need.

      I think most partial-care programs do have group components, unfortunately – and it might be hard to find one that’s completely individual (partly because that’s…a lot of therapy for one person). Unless I’m misreading what you wrote.

    2. Smol Book Wizard*

      YMMV cause we are all different folk, but I’ve found 2 things helpful when I’m trying to get in touch with mental health providers and making a bungle of it due to my communication switches going bad:
      – scripting. Quite a number of phone calls I have made with a Notepad document open on my laptop in front of me, with the information I wanted to make sure to convey typed up in a more or less conversational format. It helps get one over the initial silence and through the needful facts.
      – reminding myself that these aren’t professors/job interviewers/opinionated relatives/fellow grad students… there’s no way they’re going to judge me for losing my words; they are here to help people like us. If I sound the way I feel, that’s useful information for them about how to help me.

      Best wishes! I’m afraid I can’t help on the insurance coverage – am currently trying to unboggle myself on that too.

    3. chi chan*

      Hang in there. Until you find a program maybe I can recommend a book. Rewire your anxious brain by Catharine M Pittman. Sending good vibes.

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        Is it available as audiobook? I spend a lot of time in my car and have Audible.

    4. Arts Akimbo*

      My childhood best friend was a stress-stutterer, and what really seemed to help her was to write things down whenever she could. For instance, if you were to see a therapist and worry about saying all the things and making yourself understood, write it out in advance. Many therapists have seen it all and will be patient with this kind of thing, especially if they specialize in treating anxiety. Good luck, and many good wishes from the internet!! :)

  42. VM*

    Hi all! I live in an apartment complex that’s usually pretty quiet. I’m in a building with a lot of couples and we don’t interact much, just kind of leave each other be.

    I went to work yesterday and saw a note on my car. I thought perhaps someone damaged my car, but when I read it, it was from the truck next to me telling me “I should park inside the lines” and to “stop being such a f-ing inconsiderate dick”. I checked my park job, and he was right, I parked right on the line on the side he was parked on. But that’s all, I was right on the line, not half way into the next spot or anything.
    The policy at our complex is unless you paid for special covered parking, it’s first come, first served. You can park anywhere. The spots are also a little hard to park perfectly straight in unless you back in or hit the angle just right. We have other truck owners in our building and they usually snag the slightly larger end spots or they park in overflow parking about 50 feet away. This truck always parks in regular spots, even if these other spots are available.

    I told a few people at work and we had a good chuckle about it. But is there anything else I should do about it? I’m going with this guy had a bad day and lashed out at me because it was convenient. I took pictures of the note and park job in case it happens again, so I can report it to the property manager.

    1. kc89*

      I think taking pictures was smart and for now just to ignore it

      I’m biased though because I think people who own giant trucks/SUVS/etc. and then expect to park in compact spaces in apartment parking lots are stupid

      I see it in my neighborhood, escalades and hummers trying to fit into spots designed for compact sedans, just stupid lol

      1. Rebecca*

        When I drive my Dad’s giant 4 door Ford off road truck, I just find two parking spaces at the very end of the lot, park there, and walk. There are literally times I cannot find a spot it will fit into, so I just park as far away as possible to make sure I don’t inconvenience anyone.

    2. ATX Language Learner*

      I got one of these notes one time at an apartment complex I used to live in and it made it laugh. Whoever wrote it got SO riled up that they felt the need to leave me a note. Sometimes people park shitty! Hope your note leaver is watching their blood pressure closely.

    3. ATX Language Learner*

      I would also not report it to the property manager. What are they going to do about it?

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        You are so not going to win this battle.

        Park away from this person. This is a shot across your bow that they are crazy.

        Where I live, parking nonsense escalates to broken valve stems, side wall punctures and broken windshield wipers. Our leasing management goes *meh* .

        Where I live many many many people get the huge SUVs because of they (or a family member) works for the Big Three auto companies, and they get an employee discount. Our parking slots are almost too small for them. They really need two spaces, and their back ends hang almost into the street. It is funny seeing them trying to cram a Hummer 2 into a subcompact spot.

        Much of the parking in my area was put down in the early 1980s. It was figured out for sedans, minivans and the occasional truck. Not a pontoon boat on wheels. They get pissy because parking is such a hassle. No place is easy to park for those big SUVs.

        I drive a subcompact, and stay out of the cross fire. Right now management is talking about labeling spaces subcompact or car because of how much the SUVs just out. The screaming should be glorious.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Prepare for the size ratings to be ignored… seriously, I saw a dualie in a compact car spot at our library recently. Which put it hanging out into the travel lane…. those are compact because the spaces are shorter as well as narrower!

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      There’s probably no action to take other than, unfortunately, remembering the vehicle and not parking next to it again. This time it’s a note; next time it may be a slashed tire. Unfortunately, in the area I live, it happens all the time. It’s probably not someone having a bad day; it’s probably a jerk compensating for other shortcomings they might have by driving an oversized vehicle. It sucks.

      1. VM*

        That’s what I find so funny, he parked next to me. He made the choice to park in a tight spot, even though there were other spots available.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Oh, you were there first! I missed that, and that makes it an already absurd situation absolutely ludicrous. I don’t get people sometimes… well, most of the time.

    5. Anonymous parker*

      So, a slightly different take on it. I admit it bugs me when people park poorly in crowded parking areas. Not to where I’d leave a note, or do anything to their vehicle, but it does annoy me. Less so in a case like you describe, where it seems inadvertent, but there are times that people with big vehicles seem to park over the line in an apparent hope that no one will park next to them. And having a very small car, I fully admit that I will squeeze it right in there if it fits, as much to deny them this as anything. I fully admit that it might be petty of me, and it has a lot to do with whether or not I think it was intentional, but right or wrong it brings me a small bit of satisfaction.

      1. T3k*

        lol I do this sometimes too. My last car was too wide to get away with it, but it’s the only spot I can find in a reasonable distance, my tiny car can easily fit in there, even if they parked over the line.

    6. gecko*

      There’s really nothing else. I live in Boston, a city notorious for people saving parking spaces they dug out of the snow and then getting vicious when those spaces aren’t eternally reserved for them–so nastygrams on cars abound. I got one last winter, and yeah, there’s not much to do but let it go. (And keep the note as you’ve done, just in case.)

    7. Aly_b*

      I had to leave such a note once! I felt bad but in our complex we had assigned spots and there were only inches to spare for me to park between them over the line and a concrete column, in my nice new car. Sounds like your situation is different since they had options… I was really thinking about whether I’d have to just leave my car in the aisle blocking them in since I couldn’t get into my spot. Took me about 10 tries but I didn’t hit anything!

      1. Epiphyta*

        Oh, hey, I dealt with that this morning! My neighbours are my grandparents’ age and just at the moment, I am happy to be driving a twenty-year-old car: if they scratch it with their terrible parking, I won’t cry about it that hard. There have been times when I’ve had to put it on the street or use one of the guest spots until I could knock on their door and ask them to straighten it out.

    8. Gatomon*

      Sounds like you have an “awesome” neighbor. I’d give them a wide berth if you can for a bit, maybe keep an eye out on your park job. Unfortunately since it’s where you live, I wouldn’t respond or escalate (unless you’re moving out tomorrow). People get really agitated really quickly when it comes to driving and parking. I’d bet you’re not the only person who’s gotten a note from the truck owner.

      If it helps you feel better, I have had a neighbor (kindly) let me know that I had parked horribly in our shared carport a few years back. I think we’ve all been guilty of parking line fouls at one point or another!

      I don’t honestly understand the desire for truck owners to park in tight spaces. I assume it’s a “might makes right” type thing.

    9. TacocaTRVA*

      My boyfriend has a Ford F-450 dually, and while I couldn’t park his truck in a space that’s designated “small cars only”, 95% of the time, neither he nor I have any issues parking his truck in a regular parking spot. We are usually touching the lines on both sides, but that’s OK; we don’t park somewhere where we’re going to impede someone else’s access to his/her vehicle that is already parked there, and we obviously have enough room to get in/out ourselves. If someone else chooses to park next to us after we’re already parked, then that’s a “them” problem. Seems like that truck chose to park next to you after you were parked, but I could be wrong. If that’s the case, though, that’s on him. If the spaces are specifically designed for small cars only, however, then the complex should make signs noting that. But anyway, I think you’re right to just ignore.

  43. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    A new mom friend invited me and hubs and a few other friends to meet her baby. I’m bringing dessert and a couple dishes and a small gift for her and the baby. Anything I need to know/do besides that? What can I expect?

    1. WellRed*

      If you like babies, you’ll be good. Plan to bring your leftovers home (unless mom says otherwise) so you don’t burden her with dealing with them.

      1. Anona*

        I’d be sure to ask about this versus assuming they don’t want them. I welcomed all food when I had a baby, though I probably wouldn’t have said anything if they took the leftovers. I would have just been slightly disappointed.

    2. LibbyG*

      Fun! I would just suggest you brightly announce that you’re going to wash your hands before you hold the baby. It can feel weird to ask people to do that.

        1. Rezia*

          My friends really appreciated me going straight to wash my hands when I came to meet their baby.
          Offer to do dishes if there are dishes in the sink, and take out the trash when you leave.
          I’d also not expect to hold the baby, wait for the parents to offer.

      2. Dee-Nice*

        I would add, depending on how old the baby is, don’t be surprised/offended if they don’t want you to hold the baby, period. I didn’t really feel comfortable letting anyone outside immediate family hold mine until about four weeks.

    3. Lucy*

      How new is the baby? If brand new (still counting in days) then plan to leave after half an hour, unless you’re actively washing dishes, see below. If baby’s age is counted in weeks, try to be sensitive to the family’s energy levels and see if they seem desperate for company or desperate for silence. If baby is fussing a lot then they may want to be able to focus on her for feeding/changing/settling but they may feel rude saying so.

      Plan to make the coffee and wash up afterwards. It is not the new parents’ job to wait on you. This is an occasion where normal hosting conventions are suspended.

      Depending on your relationship, you might be asked to hold the baby so your friend can use the bathroom or some other two-handed chore. Again, normal hosting rules are suspended!

      As Libby suggested, hygiene is very important. If there’s any chance you’re contagious (cough? end of the flu? upset stomach?) then decline to hold baby and consider staying away.

      Make sure you visit with the parents and catch up with them properly. It’s horrible as a new parent to feel like you’re just the vessel/carer/feeding station for the miraculous new arrival. They probably haven’t seen Endgame but maybe they’re up to date with GoT and would enjoy chatting about (spoiler) and (huge spoiler).

    4. Occasional Baker*

      Bring the food on something that doesn’t need returning or emptying for them to keep the leftovers if they DO want them. Like, they even have paper bake ware now. I realize it’s not ecofriendly, but not having to wash dishes or return or repack really can be helpful to new parents. And wear something machine washable, in case of baby accidents ;)

    5. Lilysparrow*

      Very smol hoomans get overstimulated easily, which can make them fussy and make it harder for them to eat or fall asleep when they need to. When interacting with a new baby, think Daniel Striped Tiger rather than Tigger.

      If your friend is breastfeeding, follow her lead on privacy. If she is okay staying in the room with you, just talk to her normally as if she were giving the baby a bottle, don’t make a production about “not looking”.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Are you current on your vaccines? Whooping cough is serious for very little babies. I got to visit my friend’s new baby, and I just straight up told her that I’d gotten a booster x date.

    7. Anona*

      That’s so sweet of you to ask! I’m the mom of an 8 month old. It was super nice when people brought food (especially food in a container that I didn’t have to wash and return). It was also super nice when they visited, but didn’t stay forever (someone else suggested 30 minutes which sounds about right). It also might be nice if you offer to take a picture of the mom with her baby. I always took pictures of people visiting and holding the baby, but it was and is rare for me to get a pic taken by someone else of me and the baby together. If she has a partner, you could offer to take a pic of them together with the baby, but also of her alone with the baby. She may not want it, but I would have been ecstatic if someone offered that!

      Also, on your way out it might be nice to offer to take out the trash. Or to offer to get the mail from their mailbox. Even little things like that were so overwhelming at first, and when we were doing disposable diapers, there was a lot of trash!

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My SIL showed up to visit when I was just home from a C-section and after 10 minutes of talking said “you look tired, do you want a nap?” She’s raised 3 so I took her up on it!

  44. Amber Rose*

    Can anyone recommend a woman’s belt that is comfortable and easily adjustable?

    I hate the way belts cut into my skin, but in the interests of my health I’m currently dropping weight quite rapidly and my pants are in danger of just falling straight off.

    I literally just bought these and I can’t afford new pants so a belt is all I can think of. I just don’t want to be sitting all day with a buckle digging into me.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I saw one at a store recently that was more elastic, and adjustable. I’ll try to find a link. As I recall, you’re about three hours south of me in Wild Rose province so it shouldn’t be hard for you to get.

    2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Have you tried double D ring belts instead of ones with a typical buckle? Those might dig less.

    3. Occasional Baker*

      Seconding double D ring belts. Many are fabric or canvas, and therefore are more forgiving. Tip: put the ring over your hip, instead of starting in the center. Reduces that belt lump on your midsection

    5. RainToday*

      I’m currently looking at getting new stretchy belts because I hate the bulky buckles on my old ones. These are the two I’m debating between right now (they’re on Amazon):

      Beltaway SQUARE Adjustable Stretch Belt With No Show Square Buckle

      Buckle-free Elastic Women Belt for Jeans without Buckle, SANSTHS Comfortable Invisible Belt No Bulge No Hassle

    6. Me75*

      I’ve taken a long piece of cloth, like a belt on a bath robe, but thinner and narrower, and just tied a bow in front. Or even a shoelace if it’s long enough.

    7. Not A Manager*

      You might consider suspenders. Also, there’s a product that I used when I was pregnant, that I have no idea what it’s called. It’s a small strip of elastic with a clip on either end. You clip one side on the back of your clothing, off-set to one side, pinch as much fabric as you want in the space between the clips, and then clip the other side.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Enter “Fashion Fit Dress Cinch Clip” on amazon and you’ll see an image. IIRC, the elastic on mine was longer.

    8. Samsally*

      This might be too weird for you, but if asymmetry doesn’t bother you why not put the buckle at your hip?

      Its something I’ve done for so long I don’t even think about it, lol. I’ve always hated belt buckles digging into my stomach.

    9. Female-type person*

      You might try the shoe string trick. Nice for when you need a belt but not the bulk. You just literally tie a shoe string in a bow thru your belt loops.

    10. Dr. Anonymous*

      Do you sew at all or is there a cheap dry-cleaner/alterations place near you? You could get some elastic from a fabric store the width of the waistband, stretch it across the back of the waist band, and stitch it down at the top and bottom edge. It doesn’t look terrible and if you’re losing weight you’re probably not tucking your shirts in anyway because your pants are probably baggy in the seat.

    11. nonegiven*

      Can you sew a little elastic to the inside of your waistbands? Maybe a piece on each side.

    12. Advice*

      UNBELTS. They are designed in Edmonton and readily available in boutique clothing stores in Alberta, or you can order online. I have 2 of these (the original style which I think is around $35 CAD) and found them perfect when I was losing weight, since they cover a vast range of sizes and can be adjusted in a jiffy. They are stretchy, and have a thin buckle, making for a comfortable belt that doesn’t dig into my waist, and keeps a nice slim profile under a shirt. It’s also stopped my problem of t-shirts and sweaters getting tiny pinholes from constant rubbing on a regular belt buckle. The only thing I don’t like about them is that the elastic is like a lint brush and catches fuzzies off the inside of my sweaters/hoodies. You could use a sweater shaver on the belt, or do what I do and keep one for a good belt, worn only when I’m tucking in my shirt. The other one is for under sweatshirts where no one will see it and it’s fuzzballs anyway.

  45. New Girl*

    What are your plans for this weekend? I have nothing in mind and looking for some inspiration on how to spend my time!

    1. londonedit*

      It’s a long weekend here in the UK (the May Day bank holiday is on Monday).

      Today started out for me with parkrun as usual, it was my 150th parkrun so I brought cake to share with everyone! You get a t-shirt for the 50, 100, 250 and 500 milestones but not the round numbers in between – but I still feel like it’s worth celebrating! Then I went for coffee with some friends, did my food shopping, and I’ve done a bit of housework. Normal Saturday!

      Tomorrow morning I’m running with some friends, then in the evening I’m going on a mini pub crawl with some friends. We have a little local high street with a pub at each end, so we’re starting at one pub, having dinner at one of the restaurants in the middle, and finishing at the other pub.

      Monday will be a chill-out day I think, depending on the weather (it’s not great at the moment!) Might go for a walk in the park.

        1. londonedit*

          Important question! It was an ordinary sponge sheet cake with sprinkles mixed into the batter, with chocolate buttercream icing and ‘150’ in white chocolate chips. Disappeared in about five seconds flat and I had people literally chasing after me asking for a piece when I was handing it out after the run, so I’m taking that as a success!

    2. Persephone Mulberry*

      I don’t know if it’s inspirational to anyone else, but today I’m working on an art project that will be a donation to a silent auction at a benefit I’m attending tomorrow afternoon. And then I have tickets for my son and I to see Endgame.

  46. Not Quite Mashed Potatoes Bod*

    I am not unfit, exactly — years ago I was the captain of my high school tennis team (meaning only that I once actually was quiet active in competitve sports). I my 20s and 30s I had no car so walked everywhere — not sports-ish but not casual, I mean I walked miles a day without blinking just as part of my regular day, and often on top of that worked jobs where I was on my feet the whole day. In my 40s I did yoga classes on and off, and started driving — so now, when I walk, it’s far far less, and I usually do it as actual exercise, but I average about 3-5 miles, and I use a Fitbit to track it. Anyway.

    So now I have hit 50 and am grateful I am generally healthy, but for the first time am considering some sort of weight-lifting program to get fit. I’m afraid I’m so far out of the norm for people who go to places for that (and I also worry that I have to start at pre-beginner, and that any coach wouldn’t really believe that, but it truly has been decades since my body did anything remotely competitive.) Does anyone have recommendations? Is it even worth setting a foot inside, say, a Gold’s Gym, if even for a lesson or two from a personal coach on how to correctly use the equipment?

    1. Amber Rose*

      Do it. In the health forum I frequent there are beginners in their 20’s, and beginners in their 60’s. Age is irrelevant.

    2. Nessun*

      Golds wouldn’t be my choice, as I find them rather clique-ish, but that could just be my city. But I do recommend finding a gym where you like the vibe, and asking for a training session to learn the equipment. A lot of places will give you a session for free to get you to think about buying training sessions (mine does so, with no obligation to buy), and better gyms will talk with you first to make sure you are paired with someone whose personality suits yours.

      Absolutely get a pro to show you the weights (or machines, if you prefer), and talk to them about the difference.

      I’m 42 and overweight, and I lift with a trainer each week and I love it. I only got into it about 2 years ago. It’s made me feel strong and confident, and its built up muscle and bone density. My balance is better too. I’m a huge advocate for lifting at any age. It doesn’t have to be heavy to be helpful, with the right instructions.

    3. JediSquirrel*

      Do go. Just not to Gold’s.

      If you have a Planet Fitness in your area, check them out. They advertise themselves as a “no judgement zone” and I always enjoyed my time there. Any gym with “Family” in the name often has the same sort of policy. Most gyms will give you a tour and let you check them out before joining, so it’s worth looking around.

    4. Kuododi*

      I’m a member at my local Y. It’s cost effective (a serious issue in our lives RT now.). It is well equipped and they’re scrupulous about cleanliness and safety. They also provide limited consultations with a trainer as part of the membership fee. (If a person wants more intensive training support, that’s also an option for a minimal additional fee. My particular location will give 12 sessions for $40.) Best regards.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      Our city’s YMCA network is hands-down the best value, and most of them are either fairly new construction or newly renovated. There’s usually a special on, like 3 free trainer sessions when you join.

      A diverse age range, including lots of folks in their 40’s – 60’s who are training hard on weights, and a good choice of machines, free weights, and group weight training.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      You probably mean weight TRAINING, not weight lifting classes.
      My older doctor says age is very relevant concerning fitness classes. He advises older patients to find a class where the instructor has grey hair and a bad back, because they know the limits older bodies have! Also, avoiding injury is very important for older bodies.
      Find a gym that’s inclusive and focus on good form and good training. I hope you find a gym and exercise you really enjoy!

    7. Hannah*

      I think you’d be surprised about not being the “kind of person” who goes to gyms. Lots of different people go to gyms. If you have a local Y or other local gym, that might be a good choice (in my town there are two non-chain gyms). Otherwise, a planet fitness or something like that will also have a range of different kinds of people.

      If you have the money for it, you can also see if you can find a personal trainer and sign up for 5 sessions or something to get you started on a program. If your end goal is to work out at home, that might be a good choice.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        Yes to the kind of person thing.

        Some days looking at the lady who is my age but totally ripped is really motivating for me.

        Other days, the 80 year old guy who parks his oxygen tank next to the treadmill is the one who gets me moving.

    8. Quandong*

      I took up weight training in my early 40s as a way to increase bone density. Prior to that I had no experience with gyms at all; I’d avoided them and was extremely loathe to expose myself to groups of young dudes in a macho environment.

      I can’t recommend weight training highly enough as a long-term practice, with a good teacher and a supportive environment. This is super surprising to me, and not at all what I expected!

      DEFINITELY seek some individual guidance at the start, this is so important for injury prevention and to learn good form.

      I live in Australia so I can’t speak to your question about Gold’s Gym. My suggestion is to do some research for places that run ‘rehab’ or ‘seniors’ classes. They are most likely to have both experienced staff who can teach people at any level and make adaptations when necessary, and a more diverse clientele. Ask around for recommendations (this is how I came across my excellent trainer) and if you’re in the area, stop by different gyms/organizations at the time of day you’re most likely to go to a class.

      Ask questions about the qualifications of the people running classes/individual training sessions. Find out if you can have a try-out session before committing to joining any particular gym.

      Good luck finding something that suits you!

    9. SpellingBee*

      Joining the chorus to say do it, and get some individual help at first. Our gym is populated with folks of all ages and degrees of fitness, all of us working on improving our strength, mobility and flexibility. I am myself a “woman of a certain age,” as they say (and a fair bit older than you) and love weight training and all my gym work. Senior fitness a big market and becoming increasingly popular, so most gyms have programs or even specific trainers that are geared to older folks. You may have to visit a couple of places to find one with a vibe you like, but it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

  47. coffee cup*

    What’s the last frivolous purchase you made for yourself just ’cause? You can define ‘frivolous’ however you wish!

    Mine was a £5 bag of coffee. Not really a massive deal, but I never thought I’d spend a fiver on coffee. But the bag has a tiny hole in the back so you can smell the coffee, and it just smelled SO GOOD I had to get it.

    1. Amber Rose*

      I just bought a takoyaki pan.

      I don’t need it, but I want to learn how to make my own.

      1. Nessun*

        Good for you!! I love takoyaki, but I’d never have the courage to make it – cooking is not my forte.

    2. Nessun*

      Gourmet gummies! Not the kind of thing I usually buy, but they’re so good! And they’ll last for ages because they’re not something I want many of at once.

    4. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Shimmery gold nail polish, but only $3 and surprisingly durable.

      1. Roseberriesmaybe*

        Nail polish was my last frivolous purchase also! It’s an extremely obnoxiously yellow that I love

      2. coffee cup*

        Nail polish is a great one. I almost caved and got a new one today, but decided against.

    5. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      Shoes!! I have more than enough but I allow myself one new pair of sneakers every year and I just ordered them.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      The other day, I bought an Avengers color-changing mug at Walmart. It was just sitting there all by itself begging to come home with me, lol. I enjoy my giant morning espresso from my French press but now I’m enjoying it even more. :)

      It looks like this (sorry there’s not a bigger pic) https://i.imgur.com/NOhCJjz.jpg

    7. LNLN*

      This week I bought a pretty note pad to write my To Do lists. I have plain, white, cheap pads somewhere in the basement, but the flowers on this pad make it so pretty!

    8. Emily*

      Running thread! I have an accomplishment to share and a couple of questions. I’d love to hear how everyone else’s running is going, too – how you’re feeling, if you have any races coming up, etc.

      Accomplishment: Last weekend I ran my second-ever half marathon! Because I hadn’t trained very rigorously, I tried not to set my expectations too high, but ended up surprising myself and setting a two-minute PR! I’d like to run one in under two hours one day – I’m not that far off (chip time was just under 2:05) and don’t feel like I’ve reached my full potential yet (my highest weekly mileage leading up to the race was probably in the low twenties, with only 2-3 runs a week).

      Question 1: How do you fuel on longer runs, and do you treat races differently from slow training runs? I didn’t take anything (except for a couple sips of water) at my race and was mostly okay, but am wondering if I could’ve pushed even harder/recovered faster if I had taken in more sugar/fluids/electrolytes mid-race.

      Question 2: Have any of you trained for a full marathon? Did it take up most of your free time?

    9. Laura H.*

      A bag of cheddar popcorn from my work! And promptly stuffed my face and emptied the bag upon arrival home… oops.

    11. Kuododi*

      Actually, DH was frivolous on my behalf. About a week or so ago he decided I really need to have a Brighton handbag. (OMG). Normally, I get a $20-$30 purse from someplace such as Kohl’s or Target every couple of years when the old one falls apart. This Brighton will probably last until the heat death of the universe. The really nifty thing is that once a year, I can send the purse back to the company. They will inspect the purse, condition the leather and check all the fasteners/ metal accessories then ship it back good as new. Well, we shopped all through the internet as well as at the local shop. I was able to pick out a really spiffy crossbody bag in black leather with a snake print panel on one side. DH got lots of”good husband” gold stars that day. It was by far the coolest “honey just because…..” gift he’s ever purchased for me. ;)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Neat! I used to play mandolin… need to work that back into my routine!

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I dropped $30 on geraniums and a hanging fuscia this week. And yesterday afternoon I sat outside reading and looking at my garden. It was pretty awesome… even knowing I have to bring them all in tonight because of the weather forecast.

  48. :/*

    Happy Star wars day! May the force be with you.

    (Is anyone going to free comic book day? )

  49. Trex*

    Does anyone have experience with Trex or a similar wood composite/PVC board substitute? Our deck is in need of work, but we also have a major wasp problem in my area. Wondering if fake wood will deter the insects.

    1. Old Biddy*

      We put Trex on our deck a few years ago. The carpenter bees seem to ignore it, although they’re still going after anything made of real wood.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        Hate those carpenter bees. Two just made their home in our mailbox! Now it’s a mad dash to check the mail.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          FWIW my then-boyfriend caught & examined one and it had no stinger! Tennis rackets ever since.

  50. Penguin*

    Hey all, for those who wear dresses, blouses, skirts, etc. can anyone comment on the company eShakti? I have heard that they’re a really good place to go for clothing that is not just scaled up from the smallest size but actually designed to fit people across a whole range of sizes, but I’d love to know if anyone here has had any experience with them!

    1. gecko*

      Yep, I’ve gotten a good number of dresses there. My review is…it’s ok, and it’s better than ok if you’re not picky about precise fit.

      That they let you enter measurements is really nice, but fit still depends a lot on the cut of the dress, so you have to be really willing to order, try on, and send back. It’s a cycle that takes a while, but they’re great about returns. And the dresses are the size you want, it’s just the details: for instance I just got a dress that has very startlingly sharp darts on the butt to adjust the fit and I don’t like ’em. Also, a lot of the fabric they use can feel pretty cheap. None of the dresses I’ve gotten there are favorite dresses, but they’re pretty ok.

    2. Number 1*

      eShakti is amazing! For an extra cost (I think $10) you can give them your measurements and they’ll cut whatever you order to them instead of a standard size. You can also customize sleeve length, skirt length, and the collar. It’s been great for me because I’m so short I have problems finding dresses and skirts with both sleeves and that are a length I can wear to work with small children. I have 5 dresses from them and love them! One thing I did find is that their shipping takes a lot longer than they say it will (I’m in rural Canada).

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      Personally I love them. I like that the dresses are usually made from like a T-shirt material. They go in the dryer, and they have pockets.

    4. HannahS*

      I know a girl who absolutely adores them. I know in the past there were complaints of the plus-sized clothes not fitting well, especially at the upper ends of sizing–like, unwearable. So if you’re in that size range, check for reviews specifically from plus-sized customers. To be fair, I’m talking at least five or six years ago, so things may have changed, but caveat emptor and all that!

      1. WS*

        I am in the upper size ranges and have had not had these problems! eShakti has only become available in my country in the last year, though, so maybe they’ve sorted it out?

    5. Hannah*

      I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEE eshakti. I just ordered another dress today!

      I already have….5? dresses from them. Every one was made perfectly. I’ve gotten compliments on every single one. I often have trouble buying dresses because of my shape–big hips/butt, big boobs, tiny shoulders and underbust. I also hate certain necklines and am super picky about my dress lengths. All of these things are customizable! I usually end up paying around $60 per dress with customizing fees and shipping, and I think that’s a good price for something custom made.

      They also send you the names of the people who made your dress and you can send them a message.

      Regarding the actual styles, they have so many different kinds you’re sure to find something you like that will work for whatever shape body you have. What’s great is that almost all of them have pockets (you can ask for no pockets if you wish), and bra strap holders. You can feel in the styles and details that women had a hand in the designs!

    6. OperaArt*

      Another eShakti fan, here. I have over a dozen dresses from them. Also blouses, which come with hidden modesty buttons at the chest area.
      One suggestion—if you are getting a custom fitted item and the fabric isn’t stretchy, tell them an upper arm measurement slightly larger than your own.

    7. Anona*

      A really professional woman of size mentioned that she got her dress from eshakti when I complimented her on it in a meeting. She said she really likes them, and her clothes always looked great. She mentioned that she uses the customizing service.

    8. Kate*

      I really like eShakti, with a few caveats.

      1) you have to figure out what material you like from their range. I got a few pieces whose fabric felt really cheap, others where it was amazing. Now I know which is which, and avoid the former.

      2) I use the customizing service, for sure, otherwise there’s no point!

      3) wait for sales. They frequently have at least 40% off.

    9. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Back when I wore dresses and skirts, I bought frequently from eShakti, and generally loved what I got.

      A few observations:

      – The sizing does tend to run a little small; size up if you’re borderline and don’t hesitate to give custom measurements.

      – A lot of the fabrics tend to be quite thin, though I didn’t find them to be poor quality, just lightweight. If you live in a cooler climate, assume you might need to layer what you get from them.

    11. ket*

      Absolutely customize. It may take a bit of time to figure out what fabrics and cuts you like from their selection (for me the cotton is a total win in certain cuts, but not others; I prefer the very tailored dresses rather than the looser or more flowing ones; etc.). I like a lot of their stuff (some are summer favorites, others got me through winter maternity without being maternity) and have had just a few fails.

      It is true that they’re not making a drastically different pattern for different body types, just adjusting the measurements on a base pattern. As I’m petite, wide-shouldered, and incredibly short-waisted, with a 7 and 12 inch difference between waist and bust/hips respectively to boot, this has mean that I have sometimes had dresses that were hard to get on because of the way the pattern and the zipper were set up. Like, I need to bend over & wiggle to get it on over my shoulders but it looks great and is comfortable once zipped (and it’s not hard to zip). So no, it’s not quite scaled up from the smallest size — but making adjustments like mine can make certain pattern constructions work better than others. I still keep buying because it looks nice and is fun to wear, even if I have to wiggle to get that waist part of the dress over my shoulders. One woman I talked with had a figure that just made their pattern template not work at all (just the shape of her torso) but it seems like they can accommodate many shapes.

  51. gecko*

    I have a really large poster-type thing I want to frame. It’s along the lines of 4′ x 3′ though those aren’t the exact dimensions. Does anyone have advice for DIY frames, reused frames, premade frames ?

    I’m good with anything that doesn’t cost more than a hundred bucks, definitely not more than two hundred. I’m fairly handy and up for projects but don’t have a ton of woodworking space.

    1. Paralegal*

      I worked in a frame shop when I was first out of school. You’re not likely to find a premise frame that size. It’s such a large size that it’s have to be custom made. I’d say Michael’s but they’re pretty overpriced and so are places like Hobby Lobby. You might check your locally owned frame shops to see if they have some cheaper frames by the foot and frame it. You’ll also probably need to get plastic for the glass rather than actual glass. I don’t think regular glass comes in that size.

      1. gecko*

        Thank you! Yeah, I’m ok with that plastic covering. I figured I wouldn’t be able to find something premade, and I appreciate the confirmation.

    2. Occasional Baker*

      Just as an option, have you gotten any sort of quote from Michaels? Often they’ll have sales on framing, and if you can wait, it might be a great option. We once had a whole page of newspaper framed, but with really expensive preservative glass, and I think it was about $250. But I also think you can sometimes see sales of up to 40 or 50% on the framing. Might be something to consider. I once tried to frame a poster myself using a very inexpensive frame, and it was a catastrophe. They’re very unstable

      1. gecko*

        Yeah, my worry is that the cost is going to increase significantly with the big size—but I’ll keep an eye out for sales. Thank you!

    3. noahwynn*

      If there’s an Ikea close by they have some large frames in that size. They come with a print but you can swap it out or just put your poster on top. I bought one because I actually liked the print even though I’m sure it is in 1 million households. It was around $65.

    4. Red Sky*

      I’ve had really good luck finding large frames (with horrid art) for cheap (like $5-$10) at thrift stores and then getting a mat professionally cut to fit the art to the frame, that way the frame doesn’t have to exactly fit the art’s measurements. I’ve also saved any mats I’ve gotten in those thrift store frames because sometimes they can be trimmed to fit other art and frames.

      In fact, just glancing around my house I’d say 80% of the art on my walls is framed in thrift store frames. I also keep notes and pics in my phone of measurements for art I want to frame in case I see something that might work whenever I’m randomly browsing a thrift store or garage sale. Just don’t forget to bring a measuring tape.

      1. fposte*

        Yes! I did a custom frame like that–I just miter-sawed the frame and reglued it together, with extra spackle and brackets because my work is shoddy.

        I’m not sure if that would work for something as large as 3’x4′, though–you’d need to combine frames, and I’d want them lightweight but wide enough to take screws for reinforcing brackets across joins, especially if you were going to put glass or plastic over it. But it’s worth considering.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I have heard of people using molding from lumber stores. Sometimes you can find decorative pieces on their clearance racks. I have had a lot of luck in the early spring or checking out clearance stores for building supplies.

      By the time you put backing on this, it could be very heavy, so you may want to think about weight before you start.

      You might get lucky at a tag sale and find an old window or mirror that is close enough in size. And you might be able to piece together a clever set up. I do love the look of old windows decorated up and hanging on the walls.

    6. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      A design blog I read recommends Framebridge. At that size, you may be pushing $200 with them, though. I have used Poster Frame Depot; it’s as cheapie as it sounds but it gets the job done.

  52. QuittingSocial*

    Have any other millenials had difficulty in their social circle while stepping away from social media? I’m guessing this is easier if you’re older than that which is why I’m putting the call out to my fellow 30-ish people lol.

    I deleted facebook off my phone months ago on a whim to help me stay more productive. Turns out it helped my mental health A TON so I’ve basically quit using it and only go to Facebook to check in on certain groups every couple of weeks for professional things. Basically, I’m not getting any updates from my friends via FB anymore, nor am I sharing. But I am still active on Instagram (where I post my artwork) and Twitter (where I tweet mostly as a professional).

    Trouble is, people are surprisingly bothered by my FB absence. Which is odd to me because it’s not like I was ever super active. I’ve actually had people mention that they’re upset that I haven’t posted photos/videos from various things (every time this happens I send the photos to the person so THEY can post them). It’s also happened a few times that I’ve texted a friend to ask what’s up and they’re kind of upset that I don’t know something that just happened to them already. Naturally I don’t know about people getting married, having babies, getting sick, etc which– I hate to say I don’t care but– honestly, some of my “friends” on facebook I barely know so I kind of don’t.

    I’m not sure I’m really looking for scripts or anything– just like– some sign from someone that’s done this that people eventually actually get over this and accept it. These are all people I’ve known for 10-15 years (more if family) so I’m fairly confident our relationships will ride this out but idk what to say or do in the meantime to not offend them. I do know that a couple of the people that have gotten upset with me have wanted to quit in the past, so maybe I’m touching nerves in that way?

    1. Kathenus*

      I’m not the demographic you’re directing this to, but I get it. I’m not on FB, never have been. I have had some colleagues in non-profit volunteer orgs I’m involved in, and some family, that seem to take it personally that I won’t join to be able to connect with them that way. It’s taken a while, and a couple of people didn’t get over it, but I just don’t keep up the conversation about it.

      It’s their issue, not yours. If you are happy with your choice, stick to it. You don’t need to justify it, nor disparage their being on it, but also shouldn’t engage in a debate about your rejoining if it’s not what you want to do.

    2. fposte*

      Could be. But it’s also kind of like if you’d said you won’t text with anybody or talk on the phone anymore. Some people are going to be sad and hurt that you’re not going to be in touch with them. I think that’s a valid emotion on their part, and it doesn’t have to mean they’re insecure about the medium.

      I’m not saying you need to engage on FB–I don’t really either. But that means I’m not in contact with some people I really enjoy, because our communications preferences just don’t mesh. If they’re ragging you about it they should stop, but their acceptance won’t necessarily mean that the relationship gets transferred to a different platform. (And again, maybe that’s an okay thing if you were mostly getting buried under FB-only friends.)

    3. noahwynn*

      34 here and have a Facebook I never use. I have people comment that I never post on Facebook, and it is true, I don’t. I deleted the app from my phone and basically only have a FB account because it is used to sign in to other things. I primarily use Instagram and prefer it because of the focus on photos.

      If someone makes a comment to me I generally just mention that I don’t use FB but I post on Instagram so it’s better to catch me there. That seems to end most conversations about it and we move on to something else.

    4. Grapey*

      I’ve never been a huge SM user, but when the few people that gave me crap about how I use it complained, I ind of just dropped them. I don’t want friends that get dramatic over social media. It’s not about “people getting over it”, it’s about YOU getting over their reactions. What you’re doing now by sending pics directly after someone complains is perfect. The other people, well if they freak out over a “I’m too busy for FB”, do you really want them in your life?

      I’ve found that most people that were obsessed with SM to the point they would criticize my use for it were not really very interesting people to be around in the first place. People that are off having real lives that I want to be a part of don’t share it all over FB.

    5. Lepidoptera*

      I never joined any social media, and it does have a cost. I miss out on a lot of announcements, milestones, and even a couple of funerals. But it’s both a lifestyle choice and an infosec choice, and in your case it’s also a health issue. Anyone who refuses to accept that is an obstacle to your wellbeing.

      Think of it in more literal terms, because mental health can sometimes be harder to define in concrete terms. Would you feel guilty if these same people were hassling you to be more sedentary, or to binge on junk food, or to stop seeing the dentist?

    6. PX*

      I’m in a similar position, I also stopped using Facebook regularly – mainly because I hate what it’s become. I miss the days when I would actually see what my friends had posted in chronological order vs random comments and likes from who knows when…

      I guess I’m luckier than you in that I’ve not really had much pushback from it. Most people in my circles have moved away from it as well and for me, the way to keep touch with most people is via phone (WhatsApp as I’m in Europe). I very occasionally log in just to check if I’ve missed something (party invites tend to be the one thing that happen via Facebook ) but honestly, most of my close friends would invite me personally anyway, so if I miss something from a vague acquaintance – I’m not too fussed.

      So I would say – wait it out. But also, feel free to push back a little on people who rag on you about missing things. I find it helps to always have an alternative contact means (so I go: ” oh I’m not on Facebook but you can always find me on Whatsapp!) and sometimes remind people that if they only posted things on Facebook you wont have seen it. After that, like you say – just own your decision and if people are upset about it – that’s their issue, not yours!

    7. Washi*

      Honestly, you’re just doing what a lot of teens are doing! Among the younger people I know, there’s a feeling that FB isn’t really cool anymore and other forms of social media are taking over. I’m in my 20s and lots of my friends now organize events by email because so many aren’t on FB anymore. So if this is a trend, you may eventually find more and people joining you!

    8. Lora*

      Am an older Gen Xer and people get up my butt about not being on Facebook. My cousin recently posted her father’s funeral info only on Facebook, I found out too late to request the time off work, sent a card to cousin with a donation in his name to his favorite charity and now she’s Not Speaking to me. A bunch of friends and acquaintances only do Facebook and act like I’m asking them to send smoke signals or carrier pigeons when I tell them they can email, WhatsApp or text if they want instead. There’s a lot of reactions from various social circles where I’m told I did (whatever) thoughtlessly – because someone announced to the world a thing only on Facebook and I had no idea.
      So far:
      -Was completely unaware of various break-ups, A cheating on B, romantic changes in my social circles. One couple in particular apparently broke up years ago but still live in the same house, have a child together, own a business together…but broke up on Facebook and I was supposed to know this by magic.
      -Colleague came out as non-binary…only on Facebook. Didn’t correct me when I used old pronouns, just got annoyed with me.
      -Side gig that’s more of a hobby only announced opportunities on Facebook. Owner got pissy when she couldn’t get hold of me and had to cancel events…but didn’t try to call, email, text, etc. Even though she has my contact info and has used it before.
      -Have missed, in addition to the funeral, various family events, birth announcements and holidays. Nobody bothered to tell me, then got pissy when I didn’t show up and created a whole narrative of how I hate them in their heads. Um, I didn’t go to Thanksgiving because you didn’t invite me…”we put it on Facebook!”

      On the plus side, I’ve also missed a TON of drama from the A-hole Ex; a lot of political arguments with, apparently, Russian bots; scammers, Raising Awareness Challenges, teenagers acting foolish, and asinine marketing schemes; infosec compromises and other hazards of these modern times; distant acquaintances picking nonsense political fights; loss of respect for many people who feel compelled to publish foolishness, who nevertheless I must interact with daily; pleas for Thoughts and Prayers for self-inflicted bullsht. On the whole it’s a win. Agree strongly with whoever said, you kinda don’t want to spend much time with people who are really into social media. It’s insanely frustrating to me to make time in my schedule for someone, and they spend the whole time on their devices doing that SIWOTI thing while I’m trying to have a conversation.

      1. tangerineRose*

        One thing with Facebook – it’s easy to miss stuff on it even if you check it regularly. I wouldn’t post a big announcement on Facebook unless I was OK with people missing it because even people who use it might miss the announcement.

    9. zyx*

      Another millennial not on FB/IG here! I’ve missed lots of invitations to things, and I assume I’ll miss more in the future. Leaving social media weakened my relationships with friendly acquaintances—I would have occasionally shown up to see their bands, attended their loosely organized events (like park hangouts), or congratulated them on their baby/artwork/new job/transition if I’d known. As a result, I’ve also probably missed opportunities to turn some friendly acquaintances into good friends.

      But after a couple years, my actual friends now know I’m not on FB and care enough to contact me separately. IMO, since I’m the one that opted out of their usual communication method, it’s up to me to contact them to catch up if I want to maintain our relationship. This was especially true right after I quit FB since not everyone knew I’d done it. But by now, my close friends remember that I’m not there any more. I feel like I have fewer but deeper connections, and that’s fine.

      One of my friends quit FB before me, and for a while her texts often started with something like, “Hey, I’m not on FB and would love to catch up in person!” Maybe that would be helpful to you while your friends adjust.

    10. Anon Anon Anon*

      I’m 40 (though often thought to be younger) and I get a lot of judgment for being low key on social media. I think it’s a good filter at times, but it can cause problems. What a world we live in today.

  53. Lucy*

    I’m poorly and cross about it and spouse is taking the offspring to see Endgame so I can have some peace and quiet but I’ve been waiting all week to go with them instead of going alone the day it came out so I’m extra annoyed about that!

    Any light sympathies for what ought to be short-lived and forgotten about gratefully accepted!

    Hope everyone else is in better health this weekend and that those with chronic conditions are doing ok.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I’m sorry you feel bad and can’t go. I hope you’re better soon and get to see it. It’s the kind of thing that benefits from more than one screening, so your spouse may not fuss about seeing it again with you.

      1. Lucy*

        Thank you! That’s good to hear. I usually geek out with eldest child so I plan to go alone or take him for a second viewing.

    2. StrikingFalcon*

      Sorry you’re not feeling well! Hope you feel better soon and get to see the movie soon too.

  54. Roseberriesmaybe*

    Americans! My dear friend is moving to your shores to marry her (currently) long distance partner. I want to get a gift voucher for her- can you please advise what are the most popular vouchers over there? She won’t be able to work for a few months with her visa, so I want to get her something useful, like are there pre-buyable grocery vouchers? She’ll be living in Florida. Thanks for any help!

    1. Kathenus*

      If she’ll be in Florida, Publix is a great grocery store chain for getting a gift card/vouchers.

      1. Almost Academic*

        +1.

        Publix is basically the FL state grocery store, even if it’s not my favorite. They have a huge selection, which might be overwhelming to someone new to the area. Definitely a good “welcome to Florida” gift.

        I also really like Target as well.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Target too – she can get groceries or house stuff or clothes if needed!

      1. noahwynn*

        Target gift card would be my vote as well. They have pretty much everything.

      2. Lilysparrow*

        Target is probably going to be the most all-around useful because it’s a full grocery store & pharmacy as well as a department store. Some people even do a wedding or baby registry there.

        For just housewares, Bed Bath & Beyond is a popular nationwide chain. And for specialty upscale/gourmet kitchen items, Williams-Sonoma.

      3. Lcsa99*

        Yup! Do this. She can get food stuffs if she needs, but she can also get stuff like makeup or toiletries that might feel like a splurge if money is tight.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Amazon is universal. If they’ll be in a place they own, another idea is one of the big hardware chains. I prefer Lowes over Home Depot partly because they have more home decor options, but maybe check the websites for location(s) near y I ur friend’s new town.

  55. Fisher*

    I have a weird thing, not exactly a phobia… When I see photos of the earth from space, I get freaked out and I can’t look. Or if I’m reading about a city or country in Wikipedia and a picture of that place taken from space appears, I sort of whimper and close the screen fast. It doesn’t really bother me if it’s just land, but if there’s any water in the picture, I can’t look at it. And an island surrounded by water? OMG. Can’t handle it. Am I the only one in the world with this strange problem?

    1. JediSquirrel*

      I’m not a doctor, but it sounds like astrophobia, which can be treated just like any other phobia. Cognitive behavioral therapy, psychotherapy, medication, etc., can all help you with this. This is not common, but you are not alone. If it’s affecting your quality of life (or not, and it seems to be getting more intense), please know that you can get help for it.

    3. Dee Em*

      I am kind of opposite, but have a similar phobia/reaction to stars, planets, solar systems, black holes, etc. Just cannot deal with the concept of the universe at all. Cannot look up in the sky at night. No TV shows or planetarium visits for me! Lots of moon and mars and black hole news lately with pictures I cannot look at in my twitter feeds. So I sympathize. Sorry no advice. Also close up photographs of insects in books freak me out. I drop the book, I am even afraid to touch the page!

  56. StudentA*

    Meditation or spa retreats!

    Tell me about your experience. I’m looking for ideas for a week-long or more meditation or spa retreat, anywhere in the world. I work from home, so I would prefer the option to do some work on the retreat (eye roll–I know I’m lame, LOL.) Have you tried it? Was it worth the money? Details!!!!

    1. Nessun*

      I have no knowledge, but I love the idea! I’d really like to hear people’s answers too.

    2. Bluewall*

      Generally on meditation retreats you are actively in the retreat at all times – the two I’ve been on, not even time for reading. I am hoping to go on another soon!

  57. Detective Right-All-The-Time*

    This might be too work-related, but it’s not actually about work.

    There is a little coffee shop run by high school students at my office. They get school credit for it, and are paid on days they work that school is out. It’s a really neat program and I’ve built some sweet little friendships in passing with a couple of the kids. A lot of them will be graduating soon, and I’ve been thinking about getting them graduation cards/gifts but I don’t know how to go about it without making anyone feel left out. I would only want to give substantial gifts to the few I actually chat with on a regular basis, but I don’t know if that means I need to give gifts to all of the students or if they’re old enough now to not expect to get the same as everyone around them.

    Thoughts?

    1. Lilysparrow*

      They are 18 or about to turn 18, right?

      If they haven’t learned by now that individuals have different relationships with each other, and that comparing gifts is crass, they never will. Treat them like grown-ups, and be just as tactful about giving gifts privately, as you would with your adult co-workers.

    2. Bagpuss*

      I think you are fine giving gifts to just a few. You can write in the card that you’ve enjoyed your conversations.

  58. Elizabeth West*

    I don’t know if I was off base on this, but it worked out in my favor anyway. I’m struggling with a vague sense of guilt about it.

    Last week, when I went to see Avengers: Endgame at Alamo Drafthouse, I ordered the chicken shawarma wrap (haha) off their special event menu. It came with a side of couscous.

    Both items were cold. In the case of the couscous, it was like it had just been frozen and barely re-thawed before I ordered it. I know you can serve couscous cold as a salad and this was kind of like that, but it was so frigid it was flavorless, like eating an ice cube.

    The sandwich was barely room temperature. Am I incorrect in thinking that a kebab-style sandwich is supposed to be hot? I have never before had a cold shawarma or gyro.

    They initially messed up my order and brought me a shawarma bowl instead of the wrap I asked for (there were minor differences in ingredients), but the pre-show was kind of loud and the server probably didn’t hear me. I put up a note and they fixed it right away, so no problem there. I still left a tip.

    Later, I messaged Alamo on Facebook and very nicely said something to the effect that while the menu items didn’t suck, they were disappointing because of the temperature issue. I told them I just wanted to let them know. They were incredible— they put a voucher thingy for a free entree in my Victory account.

    Now I feel bad because I ate most of the sandwich. But the movie had already started, I was hungry, and I didn’t want to miss anything or disturb anyone else to deal with a minor food issue, so I ate as much as I could before abandoning it. It wasn’t like it had glass or a mouse in it or anything! Am I wrong to feel bad about the freebie?

    1. Bagpuss*

      I don’t think you need to feel bad. You didn’t demand a refund or anything, and it sounds as though you were polite when you let them know about the issue.
      So I would see it as them apologising for the problem you raised.

    2. Lilysparrow*

      Yes.
      Unless you lied and said you couldn’t eat it at all, or otherwise misled them, then you’re fine.

      The freebie is not to replace an inedible item. It’s to make you more likely to come back and spend money on other things, and bring people with you.

      You had a story about yucky food. If you tell that story to yourself or friends when planning an outing, you might decide to go elsewhere.

      Now you have a story about enthusiastic customer service, with a tinge of guilt/obligation. This story is more likely to make you a repeat customer.

      It’s a well-established and effective business strategy, and well worth the cost of a sandwich to them.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Unless they actually, literally punched me in the face, I’d be a repeat customer regardless, haha. I ADORE Alamo.

    3. T. Boone Pickens*

      I wouldn’t worry about it. It sounds like they messed up your order and did their best to rectify the error after you made them aware of it. If you’re still feeling guilty next time you go, maybe kick a couple extra bucks to your server/bartender for good karma purposes.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Thanks, y’all. I kind of felt like one of those people who goes to a restaurant, eats the entire meal, and then insists on being comped. I didn’t ask for the freebie; I just wanted them to know that the sandwich probably needs to be hot.

      My anxiety has been through the roof lately and it’s not confining itself just to big things.

      1. Book Lover*

        Sometimes I find it easier to be anxious about small things because the big things are overwhelming. If that makes sense. I find myself worrying and anxious about things that don’t matter because I am trying to avoid thinking about other things that are too scary. Anyhow, I get it. That said, this is a nonissue – you should have had a brilliant experience and instead the food wasn’t enjoyable. They value you as a customer and regret they didn’t meet your expectations. Enjoy the free entree. And virtual hugs from me if you want them.

      2. valentine*

        You reported a problem and they gave you a thrilling solution. Even untouched, the food would be trashed, so eating it wasn’t a problem and you very kindly sacrificed your food-based comfort for your neighbors’ environmental comfort. Everybody won here.

    5. Lepidoptera*

      If you’ve put this much thought into it, then I have no doubt that your letter was kind and respectful in tone, which put you above 99.5% of what their complaint department deals with on the regular. Reframe it in your mind: you gave someone with a difficult job one easy, pleasant task during their work day.

  59. Semi-new crafter anon*

    So if other crafters are packing it in early (45 min left) is it reasonable to forgo the usual rule about never doing it?!

    To be fair we’re in a little side room behind the main crafter room and it’s been slow all day … I don’t think anybody in here sold much of anything…..not sure about the other room …

    1. Kathenus*

      As someone who frequently tries to get to events like this after work since I work weekends regularly, when people have closed up early I always find it very disappointing. Understandable, maybe, but disappointing nonetheless.

      1. Semi-new crafter anon*

        That’s fair and I probably shouldn’t have done it just because most of the room was already doing it but what’s done is done… .oh well.. I didn’t peak into the other room to see what it was like in there as I left but I’m pretty sure it was just the people in the small room that I was in that were giving up in the last hour. That room was larger and PACKED with crafters so…. I don’t know how many people made it over to the small room compared to the larger room …

    2. Tris Prior*

      I try not to do this unless I am literally the only one who is not packing up yet. Though, I have on rare occasions when the show’s a real dog and I know I am not going to do it again (as sometimes doing so will result in not being invited back; some organizers are sticklers about staying until close).

      Sorry about the bad show. Been there many times, it sucks!

      1. Semi-new crafter anon*

        Yeah – I’ve already decided I won’t even bother going back to this particular one next year and I’m debating continuing them anyway – So far I’ve only made back a little over what the entry fee actually was and at this I didn’t even make that … so it’s kind of pointless… but we’ll see. I was doing it as a side gig to see if I could make a little extra money but so far it hasn’t done much but cost me money.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      Hi Crafters!!! I didn’t know there were any here :) I’m a jewelry maker/silversmith.

      I have had quite a few last minute sales that I wouldn’t have had if I’d packed up early. I also fear getting yelled at by the organizer so I just painfully wait it out if the show is terrible.

      I’m bummed that I moved from a place that has so many shows every weekend to a state that…doesn’t. It’s like a craft fair black hole.

    4. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

      Please don’t pack up early. It is rude and I don’t know why so many crafters seem to do this. After spending so much time setting up, they should be able to wait an extra 20 minutes until the end of the show to pack up.

      (When I was a craft show organizer, I would take note of the people who packed up early and not invite them back the next year.)

  60. Carbovore*

    I’ve been having a really hard year for a number of reasons and some of you may recall a letter of mine being posted here regarding my toxic work environment and the dept. lead in particular being a real hellbeast to deal with. I’ve been doing a lot of self-introspection and came across an article called, “Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?” Woof, it hit me in my core. I’ve since bought the book, “The Highly Sensitive Person” and I think this is TOTALLY me and why I have been unable to deal with toxic/difficult workplaces more than others. (In basic terms, a highly sensitive person is constantly thinking, very easily overstimulated by their environment, and can be incredibly empathic and emotional.) In lots of chats with my direct supervisor, she feels she too is a highly sensitive person but as she is two decades older than me, has told me she has learned how to “shut off” work when she leaves for the day. I have found this part of it particularly challenging. I derive a lot of purpose and satisfaction from work–I have a chronic disease that often leaves my afternoons filled with relaxing and rest–so diving into an after-work or weekend hobby isn’t really something I can do (or even want to, most of the time). So, I end up constantly thinking about work, to-dos, future projects, how will crazy dept. head react to X, etc. and it adds to my stress.

    My question to the commentariat is: Are you able to “shut off” work? If so, how do you do this? What tricks have helped you? How do you “mentally go on vacation”?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Make a list of what you will do at work the next day. I made my list right before leaving. This does help because you can see in front of you the things your mind keeps going over and over.

      At home you can also have a list of to-dos for home to keep yourself busy.
      You are saying that you need your down time, so in this case I would have some reading materials lined up. For me, I would have to be reading to teach myself something. It’s one of the few ways I can read and drown out the world.

      And I do work with a drink with electrolytes in it. A tired mind will go over the same things over and over… minerals can in some cases allow us to be more in control of our thoughts. We can tell ourselves “enough!” and be more apt to stop repeating the same tiring thoughts if we have some minerals in our plan.

      1. WrenF*

        Can I ask a question about those electrolyte drinks? Do you drink those in the daytime or the evening?

  61. Ginger Sheep*

    Hi! I’m heading out to a professionnal conference in Washington DC the last week of May, and have set aside one day for sightseeing. I’ve never been to DC (I am based in France), and would like to know what readers would recommend doing/seeing, since I only have one day, and there seems to be so much to see and do! The conference is at the Folger Library, so I am guessing we will get a tour of it, and I am staying not far from the venue.

    1. BRR*

      I would try and hit the sites along the mall. The Lincoln memorial is at one end and it’s free. You can then walk down and see the Washington monument, the white house, and the congress building at the other end. The Smithsonian Museums along the mall are wonderful but you won’t be able to see all of them.

    2. Llellayena*

      The Spy Museum is awesome! Also, if you like news, definitely see the Newseum, I’ve heard they’re closing (or maybe moving?) in the next year or so. I could add much more but you did say one day!

      1. Dan*

        The Spy Museum on 7th street closed awhile back… they’re building a new one that is supposed to open this month. The Newseum will close its current location on Dec 31 this year.

        For the sake of conversation, both museums are paid entry, whereas Smithsonian is free.

    3. esemes*

      The Library of Congress is close to Folger and gorgeous. I prefer any of the Smithsonian museums and the National Gallery of Art to the Newseum and the Spy Museum. Walking the monuments at night is amazing (and the weather will be fabulous in the evenings this time of year). It is super safe to walk around at night near the monuments. If you are alone, I recommend taking a cab or ride sharing service home from the monuments (note: it can be hard for drivers to find you when at the monuments, so try to find a waiting spot with a fixed address).

      Everyday at 6 pm there is a free show at the Kennedy Center.

      DC has so much wonderful culture! Enjoy!! :)

    4. Washi*

      The Phillips gallery in Dupont is free on weekdays! It’s a lovely building if you feel like you just want a mouthful of art, as opposed to the National Gallery, which is more of a banquet.

      If you’re not originally from the US the American Indian museum would be one of the more unique experiences, and the food is great.

      If you want to do something non-museum, there’s a boathouse in Georgetown that rents kayaks. Theodore Roosevelt Island is also a lovely little green getaway.

      If you want something truly off the beaten path in a non tourist area, the Frederick Douglass house in Anacostia is free, has awesome tours, and has a lovely view of the city. You might be better off ubering though because it’s a good 15 min walk to the anacostia metro station.

      1. ket*

        As someone from the US, the American Indian museum was fascinating — I felt like I really learned something about the place *I* grew up, even though I was in DC! And the food was really good.

        Other than that I did was outdoor monuments, Ethiopian food, and bookstores.

  62. fposte*

    Anybody keep chickens? I have a weird chicken question.

    My neighbors are away and their backyard chickens are getting chicken-sat while they’re gone (in a drop-by-and-feed-them way, not a staying in the house way). It worries me a little that I haven’t seen the chicken-sitter. How would I know if the chickens are being fed and watered by looking at them or their enclosure?

    1. Bluebell*

      I have no idea, but just love the fact you are asking about chickens. If no one answers by Sunday I can ask a friend who has chickens.

    2. Lilysparrow*

      Can you see food and water in the coop from your vantage point? My neighbors used to have chickens, and their food was scattered all over the place – grain, veggie scraps, etc. Water was in a sort of plastic bucket/bottle contraption to prevent spilling, but you could see if it was full.

      I would think they would flop over and look pretty sick if they hadn’t had water in a couple of days.

      1. fposte*

        I can’t see without getting close enough to look weird to the rest of the neighborhood. They seem contented, though, and are making happy noises and looked curiously at me when I peeked my head around the corner. (They are very handsome chickens.) Are there automatic feeders/waterers for chickens the way they are for house pets? I could totally see these people having something like that.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Yes, there are definitely automatic feeders and waterers for chickens. Do they have a coop or a shed they live in? The feeder might be in there if it’s a shed. My ex and I had a great big buckety-type thing that hung from the roof of the shed that you could fill with grain. The grain spilled out the bottom into a rim they could eat from. They could peck around in that for a solid week before running out. Plus, if they’re out in the yard, they’ll eat grass and bugs — the bugs are starting to come out now.

          If they look happy and perky, they’re probably okay.

          1. fposte*

            Yes, there’s a shed! It connects on to the chickens’ screened/roofed outdoor run, and while I don’t think the chickens have full access to it (I’ve seen the door left open when they’re doing yardwork–the people, not the chickens) I think they can get in. So I bet that’s what’s going on.

    3. Ellen*

      I’m assuming that you can’t see their waterer or their feeder. If you can get a look at the chickens, their crop will bulge on one side after they’ve eaten.

      1. Healthcare Worker*

        We often leave our chickens with someone checking on them once every 3 days. They have automatic feeders and waters; we have several of each. If the chickens look and act happy, I imagine they’re fine! I love that you’re concerned about them.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Do you have your neighbors’ contact info? I don’t think it’s intrusive or weird at all just to text them. If I had pets, I’d be really happy if my neighbor were concerned about them.

      1. fposte*

        I don’t, unfortunately. But I’m pretty sure there’s a feeder in the shed from what Elizabeth says.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          If you want to take a closer look, go over with some lettuce or other greens–kale stems even. They love that stuff, and you’re just giving them a treat if anyone comments.

    5. paul*

      It doesn’t take long to feed and water a small flock (even in the absence of automated equipment), so it’s 100% possible you’re just missing them (I’m assuming we’re talking like, a half dozen backyard hens or something here, not dozens and dozens).

      I haven’t raised any poultry in years, but if they’re acting and sounding normally they’re almost certainly fine. Your other comments make it clear they have shelter and I’d bet the food and water are kept in the coop (to avoid things like skunks or possums or other birds going after it).

      If they were hungry enough you’d start to see them turn on each other; chickens get *nasty* quick.

    6. All Hail Queen Sally*

      At a previous place I lived, my next door neighbors had a few chickens. One day I noticed that every time I went out in my back yard, the chickens would scream. It was so odd that I went over in their yard to check on them, and they had not a drop of water and hardly any food. I knew the people were out of town and a friend was pet sitting, so I just went ahead and gave them food and water. (I had chicken sat in the past.) The chickens drank for 45 minutes straight and I had to go give them more water. After the neighbors returned, I told them about it. They told me later that the friend had forgotten about the chickens.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        OMG the poor chickens. They were screaming for help! I’m so glad you saved them!

  63. Goose*

    Hope everyone is having a lovely day! I’m headed off to my first concert/festival in IDK how many years later this afternoon.

    I have a roommate dilemma of sorts. Some background: DH is deployed for a year, BIL is 35 and the roommate, I am 32/no siblings.

    To make a long story short, the three of us have lived together for a long time and DH and I always bought all the groceries (to my annoyance). Now that DH is deployed, I buy my own groceries and BIL can buy his own.

    I recently left for a month long business trip and ate all my food before leaving. BIL complained to DH that I left the fridge empty. I told DH this was true, however the food I ate or gave to my mom before leaving was a few fruits and vegetables. The fridge was otherwise pretty bare already. BIL does not eat fruits or vegetables and does not cook. BIL buys fast food or frozen meals. I asked DH if he expected me to go grocery shopping for his brother and he said no, but I “could be nicer to him”. I told DH that I am not his brother’s housekeeper, chef, sister, girlfriend, wife, or mother.

    Now, it’s not that I won’t get things for him at the grocery store if I’m there. I’ve asked if he wants anything and so far he’s said no and I am not a mind reader. I know BIL is struggling to go because it’s a chore. This is actually the second time DH has been deployed, leaving BIL and I as roommates. The first time I made the mistake of continuing the family grocery runs and, admittedly, I grew resentful. Before DH left this time, I told both I would not be doing that again. I do not think BIL took me seriously until I left for my trip and “left him with no food”.

    So, I don’t know. Part of me feels bad, but I am mostly annoyed. As I mentioned above, I don’t have any siblings and I wonder if I would think differently if I had that type of relationship growing up. I don’t know what it’s like to love or have a bond with a sibling. Maybe I would have more empathy for BIL, but I really don’t. He is an able-bodied, 35 year old man who has repeatedly said he is going to move out on his own. Isn’t this good practice? Am I missing something?

    BIL and I actually get along really well, but I hate that I am expected to coddle him* with DH being gone.

    *BIL has made other complaints to DH, including I do not greet him cheerfully all the time and I don’t share my left overs (aka my work lunch for the next day).

    1. fposte*

      “I know BIL is struggling to go because it’s a chore.” Uh–isn’t it a chore for you too? Is the grocery store magically closer when you go?

      Maybe BIL has some mental health stuff going on that makes this life stage more difficult for him, but even so that doesn’t translate into you being obligated to be his keeper. DH is, I think, sucked into family narrative that life is harder for BIL in some way, which may be true, but you’re letting the dude live with you rent free, which I think is about as nice as anybody could ask for.

      1. Goose*

        LOL, oh it’s definitely a chore for me too! I go to grocery store at like 8/9 pm and Costco on Friday nights to avoid as many people as possible.

        I’ll come back and comment on the other things you mentioned. But you’re basically spot on.

    2. Kathenus*

      I think you’re handling it perfectly. You gave a heads up that this time you won’t be getting the groceries, and you ask BIL if he wants anything (which TBH is above and beyond given the past situation). Be nice and courteous (consider if your frustration is causing you to act differently to BIL in non-grocery situations), but otherwise stand your ground I think you’re striking exactly the right balance.

    3. Bagpuss*

      Idont think you’re being unreasonable but I would question why your BIL would complain to your husband rather than speaking to you, if he is unhappy.
      It’s not reasonable to expect you to cover his groceries or cook for him

      1. anon for this*

        I agree that you handled this perfectly.

        Will say that some families have weird dynamics. Why did my mom ask me to tell my brother to bring his Lactaid to a family event this weekend? Well, because in my family we have bad habits; sister A should tell sister B that brother C’s event is going to be good for brother D’s child to go to. What are the event details? Well maybe ask dad. But doesnt’ brother C know? Good point. Never thought of that.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      This isn’t a sibling thing. This is some kind of weird dynamic between your husband and his brother, possibly from their upbringing. Was their mom an over-doer who didn’t require them to learn “women’s work”?

      He’s a grown man. He can either accept your thoughtful offer to pick something up for him, or go get his own food.

      The problem isn’t that buying groceries is a chore. The problem is that he doesn’t want to have to plan or make decisions. He wants magic fairies to make food appear so he can just show up and grab it. Five bucks says he’ll be wiping his behind with paper towels before you get back, because it’s too complicated to buy TP.

      And a grown man should be able to speak to you directly if he has a problem with you, instead of triangulating with your husband and stressing out his brother with this nonsense while he’s deployed. What a brat. Your husband needs to have his mind on his work, not mediating ridiculous complaints from a man-child.

      1. StellaBella*

        was going to say something similar. this is a grown-ass man. he can shop and make his own food just fine.

      2. tangerineRose*

        I agree with Lilysparrow, but if she’s right about the paper towels, it might be worth making sure you’re well stocked with TP :)

    5. Myrin*

      This is absolutely not some special sibling thing (as a point of reference: I’m 28 and have a 23-year-old sister, who I also live with), so don’t worry about having missed anything just because you’re on only child. Honestly, your BIL simply sounds like a whiny and immature person and you’re very rightfully annoyed!

    6. Elizabeth West*

      BIL is being a jerk, frankly. He’s 35 years old and expects his sister-in-law to shop for him and take care of shit for him? Grow up, guy.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, this is weird. He should be able to take care of himself and not go whining to his brother about this.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Query: would you be willing to continue the grocery shopping if he was contributing to the bill? I do all the grocery shopping for me, my husband and our housemate, but we established ahead of time that the boys each pay a flat monthly fee along with their rent to contribute to groceries, TP, household supplies etc. And they only get what I buy unless they put specific requests on my list, I don’t ask them every time I go.

      “No” is also a totally valid answer to that, just a point to consider – namely, which part of the situation is the problem part, and how can that part be fixed. Unfortunately “BIL grows up overnight and stops being a pain” is not as easy a fix as it should be and there’s no magic button you can push to make it happen.

    8. LNLN*

      The loving, kind, supportive, respectful thing for you to do is to expect your BIL (a grown man) to be responsible for his own meals and grocery shopping. You are/would be doing him no favors by providing his meals. Again, he is a grown man. It would be insulting to treat him like a 5-year old who needs his food selected and his meals prepared. And he should keep his mitts off your leftovers/lunches! You could even go so far as telling your BIL directly (and your DH) that you are backing off on being responsible for your BIL’s food so that you do NOT become resentful of that responsibility. That would make you a more cheerful roommate and a more loving SIL. Good luck!

    9. Hannah*

      Um. F that.

      A 35 year old otherwise perfectly capable man is complaining that YOU DIDN’T SHOP FOR HIM? And that you don’t give him your own food that you purchased and prepared yourself?

      Seriously. F that. I had roommates in college who were more mature.

      I mean, if he did everything else around the house with the expectation that meal prep was your part of the household contributions, OK maybe, but from what you said here I’d be surprised if he manages to wipe his own butt adequately.

      Let him get a little hungry! See if he figures out where the grocery store is.

    10. WellRed*

      Your BIL is ridiculous. I also don’t understand why DH didn’t shut.this.down. ages ago.

    12. Quandong*

      I think your BIL is severely out of line. No wonder you feel annoyed! He is acting entitled to your effort, time, money, and attention. He sounds like an immature person who would do well to live on his own.

      Honestly I’d tell BIL that things are different now and that he must buy all his own food. He can even *gasp* order online and pay for delivery services to save time, like other people do.

      As an aside I’m not impressed with this triangulation business where BIL complains to DH about you. It’s an unhealthy dynamic and it needs to stop with your DH. FFS. You have no obligation to provide emotional labour to BIL let alone ‘be nicer to him’ and it is gross for your husband to say that to you.

    13. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You are not BIL’s mother, sister, girlfriend, or wife. He can figure out how to feed himself, and how to generally be a functional adult. Since he currently doesn’t seem to be a functional adult, he’s trying to get you to adult for him. This is likely the result of unhealthy family dynamics. Sucks to be him. He has to grow up. And honestly, I’d seriously consider getting him to move out. You don’t need to deal with the man-baby.

      1. valentine*

        You are not BIL’s mother, sister, girlfriend, or wife.
        I suspect he’d equally devalue them while expecting them to be window dressing, telling on them if they won’t, and not leading by example with the cheerful greetings and leftovers. It’s not that you don’t know how to love a sibling or have that kind of relationship. It’s that BIL is a backbiting taker. Like Hannah, I doubt he is doing housework. He probably avails himself of the common spaces, though.

        Give BIL a couple of parting gifts: (1) Grocery stores deliver! (2_ That article on emotional labor. Parting because I hope you’ll look into tenancy laws and evict him. DH probably won’t agree, but he shouldn’t get to keep the good-brother points of taking BIL in when you’re the one suffering him for months or years during each deployment. You deserve your own private space and you can have it in about 30 days, depending on whether the law sees BIL as a tenant.

    14. Be the Change*

      DH is *deployed * and BIL is complaining that you don’t greet him cheerfully? Way to support a bro in a more stressful situation than BIL could ever imagine! (not)

      It would be nice if DH would shut this down but if he can’t or won’t then you are doing it perfectly by offering to pick up things but not making decisions for an adult.

      I will say, on the subject of siblings…my sister and I are very close and there are times, not frequently but times, when I do put her needs (NEEDS) before my husband’s desires (DESIRES). My sister was part of my life for 30 years before my husband, and with my husband’s and my age difference she is likely to be there many years after him too. I really do have to attend to my relationship with her. I explained this to my husband once and he did get it. It hadn’t occurred to him. He doesn’t love it but he gets it now.

    15. Anono-me*

      If I were in your shoes I would apologize excessively and then help him download ubereats and the local grocery apps onto his phone and cheerfully show him how to do use them like I was explaining something to a three year old.”(Actually, imho, after the complaint to deployed DH about the lack of cheerful greeting, all future interactions should be overwhelmingly cheerful and excedingly patronizing.)

      If he is going to act like he is too stupid and incompetent to come in out of the rain. I say patronizing and useless help is the answer.

    16. Goose*

      Thank you all so much. This felt like Internet hug right now. I was worried I was being unreasonable.

      Also, I was having a hard time explaining why this bothered me so much. Thank you for giving me the words to communicate effectively. That 1) it is the loving, kind, supportive, and respectful thing to do and 2) this is emotionally taxing on me and I do not need to put in the emotional labor for this crap.

      DH and BIL are like night and day. DH is the younger brother and has always been fiercely independent. Joined at 17 and has been in 16 years, completed undergrad and grad school, and always strives for more. We met over 9 years ago as I was finishing grad school and sometimes I still can’t believe that our paths crossed and we’re married. (Had to walk away for a little bit and cry. I miss him very much!). BIL is smart and hardworking, but unmotivated and likely depressed. BIL dropped out of college and my in-laws have tried everything from tough love and ultimatums to gifts and money for the last 15ish years to motivate BIL to go back to school. DH and in-laws have a soft spot for BIL, but it’s to his detriment.

      BIL will likely move out upon DH’s return and move in with the in laws, further enabling him. Meh.

    17. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

      In case you’re still reading, if this comes up again you could point out to your husband that your brother-in-law could be nicer to you, as well. For example, he could buy you groceries without being asked, and arrange for you to have dinner sometimes: even someone who doesn’t cook could order a pizza for two, or come home with fruit he knows you like.

  65. Bluebell*

    Would anyone like to tell me reassuring things about pacemakers? Husband had been feeling dizzy last week, then passed out Sat night, and then ended up having a pacemaker put in. He came back from the hospital Thursday, and hopes to return to work Monday. He’s still feeling tired and today’s big task will be removing the adhesive from all of the pads and bandages that were on him.

    1. Kathenus*

      My dad’s had one for decades. For some people it’s a lifesaver, so focus on the fact that he has something that can keep him alive in situations where he otherwise might not survive.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I think that it’s too soon to look for results. The surgery alone can leave a person very tired. And he was probably tired to start with. When did the doc say he can return to work? Monday sounds a bit early.

      1. Bluebell*

        He’s cleared to work Monday though he is still feeling weak. And it’s a little frustrating for him to restrict himself from doing things, especially since I have a disability which means he usually deals with certain household chores.

  66. Helpful*

    Does anyone make soap as a hobby? How does that work? Do you just buy ingredients on amazon or is there a better place to start? Is it really hard and messy? I am overwhelmed by all of the options when searching. Thanks in advance.

    1. noahwynn*

      My mom makes soap. She buys the lye at a local Ace Hardware, the oils and essential oils at the health food store, and occasionally some stuff online. There’s three basic methods:
      1) Melt and pour. These are the kits you can buy at the craft store. Really safe because it is already soap, you are just reforming it by melting it, maybe adding colors and scents, and pouring it into molds.
      2) Cold process. This one requires you to mix lye, which can be somewhat dangerous if you’re not careful. Once you mix everything together and it gets to a certain point called trace you pour it into molds and let it sit until it hardens. Then you unmold it and let it cure for several weeks to finish allowing the lye and oil to turn into soap.
      3) Hot process. Same basic process as cold process except you cook it, my mom uses a crockpot. This speeds up the transformation of the lye and oil into soap and means it can be used as soon as it hardens.

      I’ve helped in the process many times and don’t think it is that difficult, but you need to use one of the calculators if you are doing anything besides melt and pour to ensure that all the lye is used up and turned into soap so it doesn’t burn skin. Lye is scary, but mix it outside if you can and wear gloves and eye protection and you’ll be fine. It is more that you need to be aware it can be dangerous than anything.

      I think the hot process method is messy. You have a stick blender and crockpot to clean up and the soap hardens way faster, but it is pretty much soap so you just use lots of hot water and it kinda melts away and goes down the drain. Cold process is easier to wash down the drain with dish soap and hot water because it is still liquidish but you’ll need to wear gloves because the chemical reaction is still ongoing.

      1. Lilith*

        I’m really surprised to read that some of the detritus goes down a drain. I’ve never made soap nor seen it made so take my opinion with a truckload of salt, but I’d avoid putting anything waxy (if that’s what this is) down your drain. Maybe wipe it out of the container with newsprint? I dunno. I’ve ordered HM soaps off etsy before. There are tons & some are terrific. Good luck to ya!

        1. Freya*

          It’s soap, not wax. It’s going down the drain eventually one way or another!

        2. noahwynn*

          If you use hot water it just melts away, just like bar soap in the shower. You scrape the bowls really well into the molds with a rubber spatula, so there’s not much left behind.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Easiest thing to do to start is to think of it like molding chocolate– you buy premade unscented uncolored stuff, add scent & color, and make it into pretty shapes. After youve got that down you can get more complex. There are OODLES of websites, all the way to historic recreation sites where people start from ash & fat.

    3. ket*

      I have enjoyed the tutorials by the Soap Queen and recipes and ingredients from Bramble Berry. I do not like their sweeter fragrances, because I do not like sweet smells, but I’ve made some nice cold process soap using vegetable oils bought from them, including the ‘lots of lather mix’. It’s not difficult. Just takes a while, a bit of safety consciousness if you’re using lye (and only use pure lye not general drain cleaner!!!!!!!!!!), and a stick blender that you’re willing to clean afterward very well. Oh, and a bit of planning: if you think, huh, I’d like to make cold process soap for Holiday and it’s one week before Holiday, you’ve already failed — cold process has to cure for weeks before you should give it to people, while hot process/melt-and-pour can be given away within days or right away.

      Decide if you’re in it to make a pretty thing without messing much with ingredients or if you’re in it to use certain ingredients, and that can help guide you to the right technique. I’m in it for the ingredients (my own preferred mix of oils and additives).

    4. Nana*

      I did melt-and-pour and enjoyed it for a while. Years later, I was thinking of doing it again. Mentioned it at a group work lunch. Someone had just stopped making soap, and offered me her supplies…which then sat in my house for a month. Then I realized that I wasn’t going to enjoy doing it, and I gave everything back! If you can get a kit, or cheap stuff, to give it a try…then you can either go whole hog, or give it up without regretting a big expense.

  67. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m struggling with isolating myself and working from home too often and not seeing people all day. I had a discussion with my therapist around how it’s really emotionally and executive-functioning-ly difficult for me to get out of the house on time for various reasons, but I don’t want my response to that to just be giving up on it. I think recognizing it’s hard is a step in the right direction though.

    I’m proud of exercising a few times this week even though leaving the house was rough.

    How are you doing?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      FWIW, I think it’s hard getting out the door on time. I did it for years and years. Some days were better than others. Some days I did the barebones I needed to do to get out the door. Other days I could wash dishes or do a load of laundry or similar thing.
      I used to start super early because I worried about not being on time. This added to my fatigue. I think Tuesdays and Wednesdays were the absolute worst.
      After we got the house it got harder- I really pushed myself especially on snowy days. There seemed to be so much more to do because of the house. I landed on using windows of time, between 6:00 and 6:30 a, b and c needed to be done. By 7, d, e and f needed to be done in order for me to leave on time. I can remember a time where I would roll out of bed, shower and grab a slice of toast then head out the door. I have no idea how I managed to do that. Oddly, I did not like that old system very much.

    2. Red*

      I self harmed again. I’m honestly alright with it (stuff happens, and quitting something is never easy), but my husband is making it out to be a huge deal and blaming himself for it (?) and it’s really frustrating. I just want to let the past stay back there while we move forward, and he keeps bringing it back up. I know he just wants to know I’m safe, but it’s really taking a toll on me. I don’t want to feel like I have to manage his feelings over something that honestly doesn’t even involve him.

      In better news, Old Navy had a sale so I got some new clothes and I love that new outfit confidence! I got some leggings with purple that matches my lavender hair, a sweatshirt with a rainbow on it, some jeans, and a top to match the leggings. I feel so excited to get dressed now.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Yay new outfit!

        I know what you mean about someone else reacting more strongly to something that’s going on with you than you are, and then you have to deal with their feelings too. (I think the comic/essay “depression part 2” by Allie Brosh talks about this dynamic with suicidal ideation.) I do not have any sort of advice on how to deal with it, but I relate both for mental and physical health. It’s like…to me (the sick person) this thing is on the bad end of what’s normal for me, but for friends/family it’s OMG BAD EMERGENCY MUST FIX RIGHT NOW, and even when it comes from a good place in terms of their intentions it can be really exhausting to deal with.

        I hope you’re able to get the support you need.

        1. Red*

          Yeah, that comic just about explains it! It’s just not a major crisis to me in the way it is to him. Sure, I would have preferred it didn’t happen, but it did and that’s that.

      2. on your side really*

        I am sorry you self-harmed and your husband is having a hard time with it. However, I ask myself in these situations, if husband was nonchalant about this, would I really be ok with it? I would interpret it as husband not loving/caring for me. So to me that tells me I am trying to control things that have nothing to do with me (husband’s reaction), instead of taking a closer look at why I self-harmed and what is really going on with me. “Stuff happens” indeed it does, but there are many ways to react to things that are not self-harming so why self-harm? that is the more useful avenue of thought I think instead of just saying all is well and husband is annoying. Which of course can then be used at a later time to self-harm again.

    3. Jaid*

      I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday and know he’ll be disappointed in that I haven’t lost weight and haven’t checked my sugar levels.

      I am doing a little better in eating , but not much.

    4. Mimmy*

      Struggling a bit this week with feeling stuck at my job – I know in general what I want to do, but I just don’t know how to get there.

      The thing I’m proud of is a little….. odd. All my life, I’ve grown attached to specific celebrities, usually popular singers. I would worry about them alllll the time, especially if they were hurt or ill. It drove me nuts sometimes, especially the celebrity I’ve been a fan of for the last 15+ years. Well, this week, said celebrity had to have emergency surgery….and I didn’t fall apart! Sounds like a minor thing, but it’s a pretty big victory for me.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        So if I read your note right, you’ve set a new boundary for yourself and have learned it helps you feel better. That’s excellent!

    5. chi chan*

      I am dwelling on my mom’s criticisms and have been neglecting exercise so not too good.

    6. StellaBella*

      Hi Junior Dev and all. Recognising it, is indeed, the first step, on the getting out of the house front. Can you gameify it or treat yourself to something fun for doing it? Like make going out a fun thing?

      I am doing OK. I love my new job and next week I turn 50. Am settled mostly into my studio apartment. But on the emotional front, been a hard few weeks. Stress of moving and a new-ish job, and some family death anniversaries recently have been a bit challenging. Plus, I met someone, and am really attracted to him, but damn. Lives with his 10-year-long girlfriend and has 3 kids (2 from first wife who passed in 2017 and was young, not 40, from diabetes). We had a long talk on Friday evening, and I am sad because he wants a fling and when I found out about the gf, kids etc I had to shut this all down. I cannot do this to another woman, nor to myself, emotionally. So yeah, been a rough couple of weeks and am disappointed that he was even looking for a fling.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        It’s really hard when someone is so close to what we want and then turns up doing something that is so basically against our beliefs that we didn’t think to mention it.
        He’s not who you thought he was–you’re right, that sucks to discover. But on the plus side, by turning him down, YOU are being who you have always wanted to be. Strength!

  68. T3k*

    I know it’s not much, and my job still pays so little that I still live with a parent, but just wanted to say I’ve paid off the high interest rate portion of my student loans (about $6k). Now only have $17k more to go on the lower interest one. I’m hoping in a few months I can either get a raise or move into a better job (or maybe both?).

    1. fposte*

      Hey, many congratulations! That feels great, I’m sure. Fingers crossed for good career news coming down the pike too.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Good job! Paying off the high interest portion was a smart move.
      Best Wishes for more success in the future!

    4. tab*

      You’ve paid off more than a third of your debt! That is a lot, and you were smart to pay off the high interest loans first. You deserve to be proud. Keep going, it will get easier.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      You say it’s not much, but I say that’s a brilliant thing to do. Congratulations! You got the worst of the interest rate out of the way so that it’s no longer hanging over you. Well done.

      (And just as an aside, US college fees are ridiculous. How do you guys survive the student loans!?)

    8. Ginger ale for all*

      Congratulations on the debt pay down! I’m trying to do the same thing and it’s a tough row to hoe.

  69. Red*

    Anyone have any experience with stick and poke tattoos? I’ve always wanted to try it, but the fear of infection prevented me from doing so. Well, it has come to my attention that you can buy kits with sterile tattoo needles, ink, and all the other supplies and I really want to try it!

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I was at a tattoo festival last weekend and there was an artist there doing it. It looked super cool but I don’t think I could do it on myself!

  70. Hannah*

    I’ve tried to type this out a bunch of times and I’m not sure that there’s any actual real advice out there, but I just am interested in others’ thoughts.

    I know people always talk about how hard it is to make friends as a person over 30. So hard! But what I’m finding even harder is to develop a CLOSE friendship with friends I do manage to make.

    I made a friend (first one in a long time!) and I really like her and I think the feeling is mutual, but I’m having trouble getting over the “hump” of sort of superficial friendship. Thinking back, all the close friends I made when I was younger were all in my life SO MUCH–like, in college dorms, or roommates as a young adult, or in other situations that called for forced togetherness. So naturally, closeness developed that way.

    But how do you become close to someone you really only get to spend a few hours with every couple of weeks? I wish I could spend more time with her, but we have busy lives and that just doesn’t happen. I want to do something like take a trip together, but I’m not sure our friendship is really ready for that.

    How does this happen as a grown up? I really crave a close friendship (my other close friends are now physically far away) but I’m having trouble getting this one to bloom.

    1. Tris Prior*

      I don’t have any advice as I have the same problem. We have plenty of acquaintances, and friends of the let’s-go-out-and-see-the-new-nerdy-movie variety, but very few true close friendships (and they’ve all moved away), so we don’t have any sort of local support system that we can lean on if, say, one of us god forbid got cancer or became disabled or something.

      The other day I said to my partner, “I don’t know how to get people to actually care about us.” That sounds super needy, but it’s true! I try to be helpful to others, be there for them, listen, be supportive, generally try to be a good friend but it’s rarely reciprocated and that is hard.

    2. Scrapps*

      I feel like I could have written this myself! My closest friends (and the ones that I am still in contact with regularly) are unfortunately many hours away from me. I miss them terribly which makes me want to make friends in my current city, but it has been difficult. I feel like most people my age either stayed in their college town and kept friends around them from that time, or they are married and have their spouse as their go-to best friend to do things with.

      If I wanted to plan a trip with a new friend I would probably look into a weekend getaway that had a lot of activities; That way you’re not away for an awkwardly long time, and there wouldn’t be a lot of downtime to run out of things to talk about. See what’s out there, and next time you meet bring it up in a casual way. Like, Hey Hannah! I came across this amazing sounding trip to New York. There’s a food tour of the city, then a Broadway show, and the next day is spent at the Met! Would you want to go?

      If you’re friendly with each other now a weekend trip won’t be intimidating time frame. Being in a place with just each other to rely on and having the experiences from that trip may push you to the closer friendship you’re looking for. Good luck!

    3. Lilysparrow*

      I am cultivating a friendship right now with someone I hope to get closer with. The “hump” for me is going from specific structured activities to unstructured hangout time. We’ve had a couple of coffees and lunches at each other’s houses, and that seems to have leveled things up from chatty acquaintances to actual friends.

      So, keep trying stuff! It really is more work to make friends in the grown-up world, but so important.

      1. Hannah*

        Yeah, I think our “hump” is time…like…the most we’ve spent together at one time is maybe…3 hours? We’ve done drinks, coffee, and visited each other’s apartments (once each). I think we could progress if we just had more time in one day, but we’re busy people and our homes aren’t all that close (opposite sides of the city).

        I like the above suggestion of a trip…but I don’t think we’re *quite* there yet. There’s got to be one more step in between where we are now and that!

        1. Bluewall*

          I would say time too, but also time as in length of friendship. Let it develop. And I highly recommend the podcast Crappy Friends, in which two hilarious and kind writers discuss all things friendship.

    4. Sara(h)*

      One thing that has seemed to be a bit of a turning point in a lot of my friendships is just being able to say, “I’m so glad we’ve been getting to know each other — I really enjoy hanging out with you!”
      I can’t even recall who said it first, but it has always been reciprocated, and then you have this sort of “Yay us!” moment of mutual affirmation of your friendship.
      Also, if you’re not quite at the point for an overnight trip, how about a day trip? You could plan for a trip to a museum or a state park or something — whatever activity or outing you would both enjoy.
      Lastly, I want to say, for me this friend-making ability has varied based on where I’ve lived. Actually, there was one city (Denver) where I *really* struggled to make close friends for some reason, whereas I’ve lived in several other cities before and since (including a much smaller one) and had no problem making close friends. Just something to think about.

    5. coffee cup*

      Does the trip have to a big trip? For example, you might not be ready for a weekend away, but what about a few hours in the countryside/hiking/wandering around a neighbouring town/insert preference here? It’s compressed enough that you get time to chat but not so long you’re worried it’s too much. The best friend I made in the last year or so was through work, and we went from lots of chatting at work to, one day, I suggested we go for a drive at the weekend to a nice place she hadn’t been to before (she was new to the area) and that was a good way of having an end point in sight but getting enough time to bond a bit more. We went to Morocco together this year, so we’ve accomplished that at last!

      I agree it is hard though, and if it wasn’t for work I’d probably have no friends right now haha. I also would like more friends away from work, but that can be harder to achieve.

    6. friends*

      I have experience with that and I think as you get older it just takes longer to make close friends. Which sucks but as you say, people tend to have lots of other things going on and not be able to get together as often…But also, I think close friendships look differently than they might have in college, maybe there’s more risk involved in being vulnerable, and less physical closeness because you typically are not sharing the same space. It’s helped me to think of how I feel about my friends rather than how often I see them, or how available to me they are. I see one of my closest friends maybe once a month but they are someone I could count on if I needed to talk for example (and vice versa) [also, it took many years to get to this point].

    7. PX*

      Oooh. I feel you on this. I moved to a new city where I knew no one a few years ago, and managed to get lucky. While some of the friendships have faded (deliberately on my part), I think 2 things can help.

      1. When I first started to get to know them, we set up regular hangouts once a month. So not too often but the regularity of it was essential in building the relationship.
      2. Like coffee cup suggested, activities that are short but intense can also be great. In my case, it was was a weekly hike. So only a few hours, and there is something you can inherently talk about, but also time that you can just talk about anything and everything and hence get to know each other better.

      And also, one other thing that’s been briefly touched on – be honest and use your words! Both in terms of just saying that you enjoy hanging out, but for me – also the opposite. Saying if you’ve had a bad day or something isn’t going well or you just don’t feel good. Sometimes you feel like it’s ‘too soon’ to be honest with people, but for me – when early on someone cancelled a planned dinner and just said it was because they were in a bad mood and wouldn’t be good company – it made made me feel happy that they could be that honest with me. Perversely it probably sped up the rate at which I felt I could be more myself around them :D

      1. Washi*

        I was coming here to say this! Other than just giving it time, the big thing that has moved my friendships forward is both of us gently moving towards discussing bigger and harder subjects, whatever that means for you.

        I was in the superficial friends stage with my newest close friend for I think about 8 months and then she went through a breakup and I had some mental health struggles, and sharing together about that really brought us over that hump to the close friend stage.

        1. Hannah*

          You all make a lot of great points. Maybe I need to take the lead a bit more in some subtle ways. We’ve been hanging out for about two years now so I’m getting a little impatient!

          Thanks everyone for your insight and suggestions. I feel like such an overthinker with stuff like this so it’s nice to know I’m not alone!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      May or may not be helpful: Why not aim for good friends instead of a close friend? I have a random group of people in my life who are what I consider good friends. These are people who are reliable and considerate. We value those things in other so we do it ourselves, we act in a reliable way and we are considerate of others.

      No one friend offers the whole package deal. I have two friends who like to go to tag sales. I have another friend who likes to do things with dogs. A couple other friends enjoy random lunches. There’s not a lot of cross over, each person has their thing that they like. Interestingly each friend has something to offer just at the right time. For example, I was getting rid of my husband’s antiquated stereo system. I was in knots over this decision. The thing was old, it took a geek to set it up and make it work (I am not geeky) and it was a lot of clutter. But, still.
      We paid 2k for this thing. sigh. My friend blurts out, “oh you have an old x system that is incompatible with digital tvs!” (How did she figure this out SO fast???) She continued, “Yeah, lots of people had to dump their old x systems because they are pretty useless now.” (How come I did not realize this was going on??) Punchline, I let the system go for $20 at my tag sale and decided to just quit thinking about it. Her matter of fact way of speaking and her few inputs were absolutely key in getting me over my (self-made) hurdles.

      I have had this happen so many times now and I cannot tell you how many people have helped with this or that thing that came up in my day/life. You can’t get this much variety of knowledge and inputs if you limit yourself to one or two good/best friend(s). I am now a fan of having a group of good friends as opposed to having just one or two close friends. You may find that friend who likes to travel and the two of you travel well together- that’s not easy to do. Not everyone is a good travel companion.

      1. Hannah*

        I appreciate your perspective, but I feel I’m the kind of person who does well with just a couple of close friends vs. a larger number of less close friends.

        I find a lot of value in connecting with someone on an emotional/intellectual level. That’s really important to feeling connected for me.

        I’m curious–do you think of yourself as an introvert or extrovert? IME, what you describe is how extroverts tend to operate.

  71. Wishing You Well*

    Weight control is a lot more complicated than just diet and exercise. Researchers are now looking at people’s gut bacteria and viruses as additional causes of obesity. There was damaging propaganda put out by an industry years ago that blamed people for their weight. That industry wanted to keep selling mass consumption of sugar and their propaganda was believed. I believe our weight is not entirely under our control. Let’s be more accepting of other people. We’d want them to be accepting of us.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I couldn’t think how to write it. I’m tired of pointing out the unexpected weight-change results from researchers trying gut-biome transfer hoping to cure conditions like celiac.

  72. Emily*

    Running thread! I have an accomplishment to share and a couple of questions. I’d love to hear how everyone else’s running is going, too – how you’re feeling, if you have any races coming up, etc.

    Accomplishment: Last weekend I ran my second-ever half marathon! Because I hadn’t trained very rigorously, I tried not to set my expectations too high, but ended up surprising myself and setting a two-minute PR! I’d like to run one in under two hours one day – I’m not that far off (chip time was just under 2:05) and don’t feel like I’ve reached my full potential yet (my highest weekly mileage leading up to the race was probably in the low twenties, with only 2-3 runs a week).

    Question 1: How do you fuel on longer runs, and do you treat races differently from slow training runs? I didn’t take anything (except for a couple sips of water) at my race and was mostly okay, but am wondering if I could’ve pushed even harder/recovered faster if I had taken in more sugar/fluids/electrolytes mid-race.

    Question 2: Have any of you trained for a full marathon? Did it take up most of your free time?

    1. Baconeggandcheeseplz*

      Congrats!!! I don’t have any advice because I’m a new runner & have the same questions.

      How did you like the half? I’m training for a 10 mi race that’s memorial day weekend and I was thinking about doing a half if I don’t completely hate this race. I did 6.5 mi yesterday which is the farthest I’ve gone so far.

      1. Emily*

        Thank you!

        Race-wise, I liked the half this time around – I felt pretty good/strong for most of the race! The last few miles were a little tough (my stomach got agitated), but I think that’s mostly because I sped up near the end – I’ve had the same problem at much shorter race distances. Training-wise, things were mostly okay, but I had a few weeks in the middle of training where I was a little burnt out on running and I was wondering if those 8+ mile weekend runs were actually worth it. I also had to take a couple of (short) breaks for small aches and pains that I didn’t want to turn into bigger problems.

        Good luck on your 10-mile race! If you can do 10 miles, you can almost certainly manage 13.1!

        1. Baconeggandcheeseplz*

          Thanks! I feel similarly about training, I don’t think I’ve been as consistent as I should be, but after this weekend I feel much better about being able to finish.

    2. EMM*

      I’m very much an amateur but I actually just ran my 2nd half marathon today! So for question 1 there are definitely some differences, at least for me. On slower training runs I carry water with me but I come to a full stop every few miles to drink it (I have a small bottle that goes in a belt with pockets so it’s hard to do on the run) During the race I slow down but don’t stop so definitely not as much actually makes it into my mouth. Also when I’m running at home I’m probably much better hydrated before I start out–I’m sure it’s not a healthy habit but I try to avoid drinking too much before races because I despise porta potties lol. All that to say that I would say I feel better/more energized on training runs (because I go a bit slower and drink more), but when it comes to a race I just push through, even though it might feel worse during

      1. Emily*

        Congrats on your second half marathon!

        I was also nervous about bathroom/stomach and not very interested in stopping during my race, so it sounds like we had similar strategies with respect to drinking less. I wonder if I would do well to experiment with gels or other food (sometimes during training I would stop for a quick snack at the cafe ~4.5 miles from my house, haha), but I was afraid that they wouldn’t sit well at the faster pace. Maybe that’ll be something to play with for the next time!

    1. Victoria, Please*

      No, but I am wearing a Derby hat in my school colors for a special photo. :-) I don’t have a tshirt so this had to do.

    3. Geezercat*

      I did watch and….that was Interesting. I expected an inquiry…..but not that particular outcome.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’m looking forward to seeing the full replay when it finally hits the internet. Because I think that somebody also fouled a different horse earlier in the race. Bodexpress was a strong start from the outside until bumped, but I didn’t notice who did the bumping.
        I grew up close to Belmont Park, so horse racing was a thing.

        1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

          It’s onthe web and yes, Maximum Security interfered. War of Will checked hard.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            That bump was unmistakable immediately — I’m wondering about a bump I think I saw on Bodexpress much earlier.

            1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

              So many people freaking out! Stewards made the right, tough call. I’m stunned there wasn’t a fall.

  74. Pennalynn Lott*

    I went back to school in January of 2015 to finish my Bachelor’s and then get a Master’s, both in accounting. When I first decided to go back to school, my dad’s response was to send me an article about how much dog walkers make. It was actually presented as, “You’ve told me that, if I can’t say something nice, then I shouldn’t say anything at all. But here’s *this*.” (With *this* being a link to the article). See, dog walkers are in shape and not overweight desk jockeys like me. And a woman’s worth is in her figure, after all! [He has never said that out loud, but he has commented on my weight and other women’s weight — never men — thousands of times over the decades.]

    So, great, whatever, I busted my ass and graduated summa cum laude at the undergrad level and “Scholar of High Distinction” at the grad level. And, if you saw my post from Friday, I’m graduating with two very good job offers.

    I sent two emails to my dad this morning. One was about how yesterday I took my final final [exam] and a bit about graduating with honors and the great job choices; the other email was a copy of my Satanic Temple membership certificate that just came in the mail today. (He’s an atheist, too). Guess which email he chose to respond to?

    Yeah.

    Not a single “Congratulations,” or “Happy to hear it all worked out,” or even something snarky about student loans. Nothing. Nada. Bupkiss.

    My dad has been this way all my life so I’m not surprised, but I’m still bummed.

    1. Rezia*

      What a bummer. I’m sorry your Dad can’t be there for you in the way you deserve.
      Congratulations to you though! That sounds like a ton of work and it’s wonderful that you have good job offers! I hope you get a chance to celebrate your graduation and that whichever job you take is fulfilling.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Your dad sucks. I’m sorry, because you’re pretty awesome. You went back to school, did great, and now you’ve got 2 job offers. Congrats! You’re on a roll, and the sky’s the limit.

    5. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      Suspect he’s envious of your accomplishments. He still should express congratulations, especially to his own daughter. Sorry he is so immature.

    6. Yep, that's about right*

      I can commiserate! In my mid-twenties, I decided to go to college. I had a decent job, but I always thought I would/should have a degree. It took me over a decade, as I was not in a hurry and worked full time. My dad remarked several times that it was a bit of a waste for me at that point in my life, that I didn’t really “need” the degree, etc. This, from the man who throughout my childhood made it clear that I and my siblings would go to college and parents would pay/help — the same man who refused to fill out any financial paperwork when I was 17 so I couldn’t get financial aid to go college then.

      Also, I went to a Catholic university (the religion, for me, was beside the point — they had a program that made it convenient for me to attend). He is Catholic and it’s important to him, but I can’t tell you how many times over the years he asked me where I was going to school. It got so I would reply that it was the BIGGEST CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY in (our area). Didn’t stop the question.

      I graduated magna cum laude, went to the honors ceremony with husband and friend, and never told my parents. (They know I graduated, but that’s about it.)

      So, congratulations to you!!! My life has gone better since I’ve realized there is no making my dad happy or proud — that I need to drop my end of the rope on that. He seems to miss that I don’t try anymore, and that’s his problem to deal with.

      I’m so sorry your dad can’t even manage a small token (or a few words!) to acknowledge all your hard work. Enjoy your great accomplishment and the resulting job offers — and go celebrate with people who have supported you all along the way.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        “go celebrate with people who have supported you all along…”

        Oh my, yes. Sometimes we can get so focused on those who let us down, such as family, that we can miss or almost miss the people who “get it”. Definitely watch for those who are willing to cheer you on ( I mean the OP and any one reading here and nodding a lot) there are lots of people who are positive and will be very happy to hear your good news. Go find them and tell them.

        Ha! I remember my husband spending two hours on the phone telling my father about his new job. For 2 hours, my father said, “Oh that is so wonderful” and “you so deserve this” over and over. My husband was walking three feet off the ground, he was so happy for the cheers. He did not get cheers from other important sources…. I suggested calling my father because I knew he would get this new job was a bfd. He understood instantly.

    7. Tesserae*

      Congratulations from this internet stranger on your academic honors, and my sympathies on the rest of it.

    8. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      My father never supported my efforts to be creative. I used to try my hand at spoken word, and one time I was one of two featured readers at an open mike night. The event was listed in a local “events” magazine I considered prestigious, so I was thrilled to see it. However, the listing had the other reader’s name first – “General Franco-American and Iron Chef Boyardee.”

      I proudly showed the listing to my father, and his first reaction was not ‘congratulations,’ ‘I’m proud of you’ or even ‘you did good, son,’ but “Who’s General Franco-American?”

    9. Ginger ale for all*

      My dad is similar. He had a health scare that messed with his cognitive skills for a while and I was with him for a therapy appointment where he had to read a paragraph and summarize what it said and he told the therapist that I would be able to read it for him and tell him what it said because I was one of the smartest people he knew. I was happy to hear the first part until I heard the last part because it was just a ploy to get out of doing the work the therapist wanted him to do. It was the first time I heard him brag about me and then hearing it was just a scam was disappointing.

    10. Nana*

      One of the saddest things I ever read was that Johnny Carson was getting some seriously BIG honor…and called his parents…and his mother said, “Well, I guess they had to give it to someone”

      Please enjoy your accomplishments and your open future…and stop thinking your dad will ever change.

  75. PSA to Younger Yous Out There!*

    I turn 35 next week. We’ve had a lean year and expect another lean year next year due to some massive home expenses (one renovation we saved/budgeted for, several misc maintenance items that get all at once, and one massive we had come out of nowhere), a reduction in my hours to be home more with the kids (we had a (happy) surprise baby #3 in 2018 too…), and increased childcare costs. We’re fine, and will be fine, but things are just tighter than they have been in the past. We typically contribute the max to our 401ks, and in 2018 we only did a few thousand in each and it will likely be the same in 2019.

    HOWEVER. 35 y/o me wishes to extend the world’s biggest glass of wine to 22-29 year old me (and 23-29 y/o DH) who lived well below our means and made retirement contributions a priority. Even in 2008/9 when things were in a bad place in the markets, we kept cramming money into retirement. So now, when I get a little nervous about not contributing anywhere near as much as I’d like to retirement, I take a peak into the accounts and see that they are far and happy.

    So to all you 20-somethings out there. Stop what you are doing and add $25/month more to your retirement contributions. Unless you are in dire straits (which you might be!), you can afford it. Future You will thank you. A lot.

    2. Dan*

      Other than living in an HCOL area for most of my life, my biggest financial regret was that in 2008-9 I was just getting out of school and starting my career job. What that meant was that I had no money to put into the market. I knew it then, and I was pissed.

      Here’s the thing. If you are young, DOWN MARKETS ARE YOUR FRIEND. Period. As you indicated, within reason, one should be cramming in money in a down market.

      My second biggest regret was that I didn’t really understand stocks, bonds, and really basic “market” stuff. I actually bothered to set up a 401k through my “barely pays enough money to survive” jobs, and actually saved up $40k before grad school. I started school in 2007 at the top of the market. I wanted to “sell my 401k” but didn’t think the penalty was worth it. What I didn’t get was that I could have moved some investments around into bonds and cash *inside the 401k* without having to pay penalties.

    3. Zona the Great*

      I always looked out for Future Zona and continue to do so. It’s the best advice I gave myself.

  76. Shay*

    Missed my beta blocker dose for two days in a row. It really messed me up. I could barely walk to the pharmacy to pick it up my refill. I’ve been fatigued and disoriented all day. Not fun to deal with.

    Classes are over and I’m moving on to finding an apartment for next month. I found one I really, really like. I’m seeing it Monday. This will be my second apartment and I don’t really remember how securing the first one worked.

  77. Jaid*

    I’m watching a documentary of Lou Reed’s “Transformer” album. I didn’t realize David Bowie was involved in it, too.

    I’ll be honest, even if I never heard the lyrics to Walk on the Wild Side, the music is so damn catchy…

  78. HeyNonny*

    So, I’ve got a newish dwarf fruit tree that I had to stake because it started to lean. I’ve used bamboo stakes, and cloth strips cut out of a pair of much-hated stretchy pants as the ties. Are there any tree experts that could tell me if that is good enough? Should I go buy a “real” tree stake kit? How long should I leave it staked? It’s a cherry tree, with lots of fruit forming, and I’ll also soon have to put net over it to keep birds from eating the cherries.

    1. Ranon*

      I’m a tree novice but that’s exactly how my baby mulberry tree is staked, so hopefully we’re both on the right track! It’s worked as a setup through some serious storms, so at least it’s functional!

    2. Penguin*

      Plant biologist here (so… tree adjacent; take this for whatever you think it’s worth): what you have sounds fine. Ultimately you want the tree upright, the stakes to not move and the ties to not cut into the bark. If your system is accomplishing all that, then it works! (The bark is probably the most important, so check on it occasionally, but unless the stretch pants were made out of, like, wire-reinforced canvas I wouldn’t expect any problems.)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I worked in a nursery for years. It sounds good to me. Just watch like the poster above said, to make sure the cloth does not cut the bark open for some strange reason. And make sure your stakes stay solid in the ground, this would be something to check after an unusually heavy rain. I have also seen people use pieces of old garden hose that was no longer useful as a hose. They run rope through the hose, so the hose part stays around the tree and the ropes run out to the stakes. I hope I explained that okay.

      If you just planted it last year, (newish= last year?) I would plan on leaving it staked for this year and probably next year. It takes a good two years for roots to dig in and really anchor the tree in place. You can check at your local nursery also.

      I’d measure up one foot from the base of the tree and measure or estimate the diameter of the trunk at that one foot mark. For me, I want to see that diameter be at least 1.5 to 2 inches, before I would take the stakes away. I tend to be conservative though. And I have an evil north to south wind every winter that is predictable. It’s good to know your property.

      Watering super- ensures root establishment. I dunno if they told you but you can run a hose over to the tree, turn the water on, but barely on, and trickle water it when you are home. This is nice because the water soaks in, instead of evaporating and the tree gets a good drink, especially on hot days. I have done this with new plants, turn it on when I get home from work and then shut it off a few hours later after dinner.

      A good nursery will be happy to advise you through out the season, that is their job. A really good nursery will tell you how to do things with stuff you have on hand instead of buying a ton of products. This would be a good example, a good nursery can sell you a stake kit if you really want the kit, but they first tell you how you can use stuff at home to do it. (This works because people just keep coming back with questions and when they need something they know where they want to go to get it.)

      1. HeyNonny*

        It’s only been a few days, so all I can say is it’s not terrible. I’ve got the trunk straight, and it held through a mild thunderstorm. I’m a fairly experienced gardener, but this is my first new fruit tree, and first substantially sized plant in a new climate and soil type (for me). There’s a big kind of knot area where it’s grafted onto the root stock, and that kind of worried me ( the nursery guy was like “ eh that’s the graft joint”, shrug ). I tied above it where it looked like it made sense mechanically. This little tree produced extremely delicious cherries last year, and I’m kind of invested. I’m finding the sandy soil here kind of weird to deal with, as I’m used to clay, where you plant something and it’s cemented in permanently forever like it or not.

  79. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    So, a month ago I hurt my right knee while exercising. Four physiotherapy sessions later, it’s starting to feel better at last, although it’s going to take a while to be like before. Which is much much better than get operated on, which was what the first doctor that I consulted wanted. Seriously, he was so obsessed to get me to accept to an arthroscopy he even got my number and texted me! Luckily I got an appointment with a second knee specialist who took a more rational approach.

    1. Need a better name, CPA*

      I had arthroscopy for a torn ACL years ago. The ortho presented it as an alternative to physical therapy. It was a bit of a shock to discover that I had to have physical therapy after the surgery, too.
      Good luck, and best wishes for a prompt and complete recovery.

    2. LuJessMin*

      Sounds like the ortho I saw when the pain in my right hip was more than I could stand. I think he saw older, overweight woman and immediately his mind went to surgery. I sent him a note later when the pain ended up being shingles.

      1. HeyNonny*

        What surgery would he recommend for THAT. Ha ha. I would also send that note.

  80. stitchinthyme*

    Don’t know if anyone will see this, but I need to vent. I’ve posted here before about my BIL; the short version is that he’s had drug problems, never held a job more than a couple of months at a time, and always relied on his parents to bail him out (figuratively and literally) when he gets in a bind. (He turns 40 next month.)

    Anyway…my in-laws are barely scraping by; they have no savings or retirement funds, and my FIL’s health is failing (Alzheimer’s, multiple bouts of cancer, serious balance and mobility issues) and my MIL is his caregiver. We help them with expenses, and we gave them a credit card to use for emergencies, which we pay the bill for. We were aware that we were probably indirectly helping BIL — parents would give them what little money they had, so then they’d need us to help them with their own expenses — but there wasn’t a lot we could do about that, especially as my MIL is under a ton of stress already because of her husband’s health problems, and she gets upset and cries at the thought of her child not being able to pay for rent or food.

    So now BIL has (again) fallen on hard times, and we are pretty sure that MIL gave him our credit card number. She called my husband crying, because BIL’s dog had died and he desperately needed the money for the vet bill, so he used our credit card to pay it with my husband’s grudging assent. But there have been two other charges on the card since then, both his (he lives in a different state than the parents, so it’s easy to tell). We don’t think his mother is aware that BIL has used the card for more than just the vet bill. They aren’t big charges and we can easily afford them, but the money isn’t the point; the point is that we’re willing to help out my husband’s elderly, frail parents, but not my able-bodied BIL. And the fact that my MIL is a classic enabler is really frustrating.

    My husband is planning to call his brother tomorrow and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he uses our card again, it will be canceled, and that once his parents aren’t around anymore, there will be no safety net, so he’d freaking well better start learning to take care of himself. And then we will try to see if we can pay his parents’ expenses directly rather than them having a credit card of ours.

    I am SO pissed, and so is my husband.

    We are not, however, sure how to deal with my MIL in all this. As I mentioned, she gets upset easily, and she’s under a lot of stress, and we don’t want to cause her more (even though it’s really BIL’s fault and not ours). So I’m not sure how my husband can approach the subject with her; she is already well aware of how we feel about our money going to help BIL.

    1. Quandong*

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with dysfunctional inlaws, it sounds completely enraging Your feelings are valid. I’d be incandescently furious in your situation.

      My advice is to STOP trying to manage MIL’s feelings. Let her cry and be upset! It won’t hurt her. Spend more effort maintaining boundaries than preventing MIL from feeling sad.

      It seems obvious that MIL will respond with crying when your husband asserts boundaries and stands up for himself, and when he refuses to enable BIL. It’s her pattern, it’s how she reacts, and it’s a manipulative tactic on her behalf.

      It’s not your husband’s responsibility to ensure that MIL doesn’t feel bad or uncomfortable, especially since *she is in the wrong* here. Let her feel upset and bad about this – she should!!

      MIL knows she shouldn’t have given BIL your credit card number, but she cared more about BIL than about you and your husband.

      Let that sink in. Your MIL enabled BIL to steal from you, because she couldn’t tolerate the discomfort of knowing BIL was in financial difficulties. I’d be reconsidering financial help to MIL and FIL in light of this.

      If your husband (and you) feel inclined, you might like to seek out support groups for families of addicts. Or if he hasn’t ever pursued therapy, this could be a very good time to seek that kind of support to break free of his family patterns. I’m sorry. His mother isn’t going to change. It seems unlikely BIL is going to change. So you and your husband need to strategize and plan how you will manage your relationship with his family going forward, in a way that protects you from theft.

      1. valentine*

        Even if you’re sure MIL has the card and merely gave him the number, you can cancel the card. If you want to pay their bills, do so directly, via check, so no one calls, say, the phone provider and gets the last card number you used to pay, especially via autopay. I would dispute the two charges.

          1. fposte*

            Unless they’re willing to file a police report, they’re likely going to be on the hook for those charges, and frankly that seems fair–otherwise the vet’s office has to eat the loss for services it provided in good faith. So I’d only dispute if I were prepared to call in the cops.

          2. stitchinthyme*

            I’m not gonna dispute the charges; MIL *did* call to ask my husband if it was okay to pay the vet bill, and we are not prepared for the sh*tstorm that will undoubtedly ensue if we were to set the legal system on BIL.

            I really am curious about what’s gonna happen to BIL when his parents aren’t around anymore. Because there is no one else in the family who is gonna save his sorry butt when he gets into financial trouble after that. I’m pissed that they have put us in this position.

            1. blackcat*

              If you’re not prepared for the sh*tstorm, you need to prevent it from happening. If he’s an addict, the question is not *if* he will max out your card, but when.
              You need a different way of helping out MIL. Having her as an authorized user on your account is really dangerous.

            2. Utoh!*

              Hrm, I’m seeing a bit of a change in attitude from your original posting. You haven’t responded to the strong suggestions of just canceling the card, and not giving them another one. If you provide an avenue, MIL/BIL will take it. You have to stop the bleed where it starts. I am so sick of families that have this type of dynamic keeping those who toe the line hostage to those who don’t. My SIL is the same way, the only difference is that she holds two Masters and has a good job…she just cannot hold on to her money so her parents (they are divorced, so she can play the guilt game with both) have funded her lifestyle. Who is the one with the large house and BMW, not me and my husband, that’s for sure! But we don’t want those things, we want security and yes, a nice home and cars to drive, but not her need for status. Once they are gone, my husband and I will not give her one cent, oh, and she also has a very able-bodied husband who has not held a job for more than a year… No love lost there, and certainly no sympathy. Your husband and you have to be a united front on this, BIL has to know the gravy train is stopping. It’s amazing what happens to someone when they actually have to stand on their own two feet and figure sh*t out (they actually DO it!). Stick to your guns on this, cancel the card, and pay your ILs bills directly. They should never have put you in the middle of this mess.

              1. Utoh!*

                You wrote that she’s an authorized user on your account, so yes, as you’ve said, it’s easy to cancel that authorization…! That she would even offer that as a way to pay for costs incurred by BIL, regardless of what they were, takes some chutzpah on her part. Of course she asked your husband first because she knew what a pushover he was to her… It’s all part of the dysfunctional dynamic created over many years…

        2. tangerineRose*

          What valentine said. Cancel the card now. Don’t warn him – he might decide to go on a spending spree while he can.

          And pay the MIL’s bills directly yourself so this doesn’t happen again. Maybe give her a little “mad money” so she can spend for extras on herself – even if she gives it to BIL, at least this time she gets to feel more of the effect.

      2. stitchinthyme*

        Our policy has generally been that each of us deals with our own families — we also help my mother out financially, although she has no one else sponging off her so that’s way easier. But since we *do* help my mother as well (which has included some fairly big-ticket items over the years, like a new roof for her house and new hearing aids), I am leery of cutting off his parents because I don’t want to be unfair.

        And yes, I know they’re not going to change. They actually *bought him his own business* (a sandwich shop) some years back because he could never handle working for other people. What happened was something we could easily have predicted: the parents ended up doing most of the work, and they sold it after less than a year. This sort of thing is why they have no money now.

        My husband is not a confrontational person, but he is not happy about this. He thinks his mom doesn’t know that BIL has used our credit card since the vet bill, so he’s going to to talk to her with that assumption. We can easily cancel the credit card and give them a different one — his mom is just an authorized user on our account, so adding or removing cards is easy. (Each authorized user’s card has a unique number even if they’re all on the same account.) But that assumes she won’t give him the number again.

        1. WellRed*

          Why are you assuming she won’t do it again? Please stop. Find another way to give her money. Also, please run a credit report.

        2. Dan*

          “because I don’t want to be unfair”

          I’m going to throw something out, recognizing it may be unpopular: I don’t think “fairness” is always the right goal to achieve, nor do I think it’s easy to define what fairness actually is.

          In this case, neither your MIL or BIL is being fair to your husband or you, so why do you feel it’s necessary to be “fair” to them (or at least your MIL)? If someone is abusing your generosity, how is it *not* fair to cut them off?

          One thing you could do on your AU account… figure out what hard $ limit you are actually willing to help your MIL out, and set a limit on that card appropriately. When that limit is reached, the charges get declined. Period. That way, if MIL gives money to BIL, she pays that price, not you.

          2. stitchinthyme*

            The worst of all this is, MIL knows exactly how DH and I feel about “helping” (enabling) BIL.

            I think she has a guilt complex going regarding BIL. Not to get too deep into all the background and history, but DH and his sister were adopted after my in-laws were told that MIL would never be able to carry a baby to term. When DH was 8, oops! MIL got pregnant and had BIL (and then FIL had a vasectomy). She has told me that she really didn’t want another kid at that point, so DH and I both wonder if she now feels guilty about not wanting BIL and is trying to compensate.

            Regardless, this is all SO not our problem. Whatever we do next will probably depend on what happens when he talks to both BIL and MIL today. My preference would be to cancel her existing card but give her one more chance — get her a new card and tell her that if she gives that number to BIL, there will not be another one.

            Yes, I know this is probably not harsh enough. But I really do feel bad for MIL with all she has to deal with. My FIL was never an easy person to deal with before his health started failing (BIL’s anger issues come directly from him), and now my MIL has freely stated that she really wishes he would just die already, because he’s not really living now — he’s depressed and spends most of his time sleeping, won’t leave the house, etc. She’s got a huge burden with just her husband, and we’re reluctant to cause her more pain if we can avoid it. But at the same time, neither DH nor I are willing to enable her enabling.

            1. blackcat*

              You need to protect yourself. The suggestions of a pre-paid card are a very good middle ground. Unless you are okay with BIL maxing out the card, you need to not give her access to one of your lines of credit. It’s extremely risky financially for you. You need to tell MIL that there have been unauthorized charges, so you’re going to send her a new card. Then make it pre-paid, and that’s that. You don’t need to engage with her enabling.

              If she’s anything like my mom (with my brother), her enabling will get *worse* the more stress she is under. This isn’t you causing her pain, it’s her causing her own pain.

              There are social workers who specifically help people navigate elder-care issues. It sounds like FIL/MIL might be much better off with him in residential care.

            2. Dan*

              Call your bank about the limit, and see what they say.

              Expect that the money you give MIL will be spent, and the chance will be blown. By the time things get this far/bad, the habits are so ingrained that the only thing that will cause change is a hard crash with reality.

              Do what you have to do for your own sanity, but recognize that this is going to get worse before it gets better.

        3. Quandong*

          I think it would be wise to rescind MIL’s status as an authorized person on your account immediately, and to figure out another way to get money to her without leaving yourselves open to MIL channeling your money directly to BIL.

        4. Observer*

          Which is why you shouldn’t give her a new number. Just pay whatever bills you want to for her, directly. Also, you can give her a separate card with a limit – perhaps one of those cards that you put money into and you can only spend what’s on the card. It’s essentially a debit card, but designed for people who need build credit.

          By giving MIL something that is totally separate from your accounts and that has a hard limit, you give her something for genuine emergencies, but keep her from funding BIL with it. At least, it will slow things down. And it protects your accounts from a thief who WILL try to use his access in dishonest ways.

    2. Quandong*

      Even though it’s extra work, please consider cancelling that credit card and getting a new one that isn’t shared with MIL or BIL.

      If you haven’t recently got a credit check, do that too.

      1. stitchinthyme*

        Luckily, MIL is just an authorized user on our existing account. She has her own card number, but it’s not a separate account, and it’s super easy to cancel it if we do decide to; all I have to do is go online.

        1. WellRed*

          And yet, an unauthorized user used the account 3 times (so far). Cancel it already.

        2. blackcat*

          You need to do that, now, before he racks up huge charges that you are on the hook for.
          If you want to give MIL a card, get a pre-paid one that you can reload for her. That way, it can never be charged more than what you’ve already allotted.

          1. blackcat*

            Also, another way of helping out MIL is to get her account numbers for utilities and pay those directly.

            1. Bluebell*

              This is what I do with my mom. She is 83 and we’ve accepted that she will never be financially responsible. My sisters and I all coordinate various expenses. I directly pay her electric bill and her dentist but never give her money directly.

            2. tangerineRose*

              This makes a lot of sense. It doesn’t sound like MIL can deal with this.

              The problem with giving her another chance is that she’s almost certain to blow it. Then, if the BIL spends a huge amount on the credit card, you and DH get to figure out whether you want to pay for it or dispute the charges (which might send BIL to jail).

    3. Not A Manager*

      Cancel the credit card. You can tell MIL that you had some fraud activity on the card so you had to cancel it. No need to go further than that.

      Arrange to pay as many of your in-law’s expenses directly as you feel comfortable doing. Rent/mortgage, medical co-pays, utilities. Don’t pay for anything that could be funneled to Brother, such as groceries.

      I don’t think there’s any point in your husband threatening his brother right now. Brother will certainly bring it back to his parents in the worst possible way, and it will only hurt them.

    4. Bagpuss*

      It’s not just BIL’s fault. It’s down to your MIL who chose to let him have your card number.
      I would cancel the card, and let MIL know you had to do so as BIL has stolen from you by using the card without your consent.

      Could you get a pre-paid card, if you feel that you need to give your MIL something to use in emergencies? It wouldn’t stop her using it for her son but would limit the damage.
      Or you could switch to paying bills directly, yourself, instead of giving them funds to do so.
      She may well be upset. Could you frame it as ways of protecting yourself and her and you FIL from being taken advantage of, rater than s you being unable to trust her?

    5. WS*

      I have a similar, though not quite as bad, situation in my family. BIL will never stop leaning on his parents and they will never stop trying to support him. These are the things you can’t control. If it makes your husband feel better, he can call, but it’s not going to make a difference.

      You can, however, control your credit card (cancel it right now) and how you pay your in-laws expenses. Don’t address the topic with them, because she will make your husband feel bad and you will both be stressed. Just say something like you’re re-arranging how you deal with bills and you’d like to pay directly from now on. If there’s an emergency, they can call you.

    6. Lcsa99*

      I think you need to be clear with your MIL – you can afford to help them, but not BIL. Switching to a prepaid card might help because it puts a limit on what you will give them. You can always give more if necessary, but you dont need to discuss that part of it. I’ve had this conversation with my mother, though it was because she was sharing her medication, which was hurting her (not to mention illegal, but that’s beside the point). You MIL wants to help but she needs to realize that she can’t take care of BIL until she’s taken care of herself first. If she’s hungry, or sitting in the dark she has nothing to help him with. And she’s leaving nothing to help FIL, her HUSBAND with.

    7. Rebecca*

      Your BIL sounds a lot like my ex husband. EXH floated through life, always depending on someone else to cough up the money, shelter, food, whatever he needed, and he was/is a gambling addict. From personal experience, I can tell you that whatever money you free up for MIL by helping them directly will go to BIL. My EXH took advantage of his elderly mother, too, and I’m seeing a lot of familiar things here, she was always going on about “my poor boy”. He took full advantage and always had a believable sob story for her, and she fell for it every time.

      I recommend running a credit report for you and your husband in case BIL has opened up accounts you don’t know about, and if you can do that with both parents, that as well. You didn’t say how close you were to the parents, would it be possible to provide meals, a cleaning service, yard work, do laundry for them, that type of thing? I’m trying to think of ways to not free up a lot of cash but that would help them at the same time, without helping BIL.

      Surprisingly, or not, after I left and filed for divorce, my EXH has managed to keep a job for 15 months straight so far, which is a record for him at age 56, because his sister has refused to help him any longer (he took advantage of her once too often) and there is simply no one left to give him handouts.

      You’ll need to be vigilant, strong, and ready for MIL to cry and really lay down the guilt trip, but this man child needs to step up and get with the program.

      1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

        I was wondering as I read this post if the BIL was your ex!

      2. stitchinthyme*

        My credit should be fine, as I put a freeze on it after the Equifax debacle a couple years ago. And the credit card in question is not a separate account, just an authorized user on an existing one — different card number, but the same account.

        1. Observer*

          Still, close the account. He has too much access.

          Do run a credit report for your IL’s as well, since this type of jerk could easily try to scam his parents with zero compunction.

      3. Dan*

        “because his sister has refused to help him any longer”

        In these scenarios, I wish we’d strike the word “help” and call it for what it really is: enabling. My ex, who as you know, was cut from the same mold as your ex and OP’s BIL. She’d text everybody and write “I need some help” and “will anybody help me” and “thanks for the help”. Nah, it wasn’t about “help”, it was about *money* and enabling.

        Refer to my comment upthread about “fairness”: My ex, when she bothered to work, did shift work at the hospital. My job, OTOH, had flexible hours and a casual dress code. One day, my ex looked at me and said, “You know, it’s not fair. You get to stay up as late as you want, sleep in as late as you want, and show up whenever you feel like it. When you do get your butt out of bed, you pick up the same jeans off the floor and don’t give a crap. I have to show up at 6am exactly with a nicely pressed uniform.”

        She liked to use guilt to extract things (e.g., money) from people. I think I said something to her along the lines of, “You’re right. It’s not fair.” She held that job for six weeks, got fired for not showing on time, and we split a month after that. I have literally no idea what she’s doing now. Cognitively, I’d like to know if she ever got her shit together, but emotionally, I really don’t care.

        There are some people who believe it is not their responsibility to take care of themselves. And then they like to point fingers at those who do, and when money is forthcoming, proclaim, “you are not being fair.” You know what? So be it.

        1. Anonandanon*

          This! My husband has been out of work for almost four months due to hand surgery. When I start feeling sorry for myself about having to go to my job 5 days a week, getting up between 5:30 – 6 am, I snap out of it by remembering how hard he’s worked over his lifetime. I wish he did not have to go back to work, as the environment is incredibly stressful and can be dangerous (RN in a psych hospital). I would never use our relationship as a way to manipulate him into letting me quit my job and live off of him. I see this with my younger brother and his wife. She’s never worked the entire time they’ve been married, they had two children who are now in college, and she got herself a little part-time job for less than minimum wage, but yet my brother supports her lifestyle completely. Well, he finally put his foot down, no more daily 4 hour commutes for him, he applied/interviewed/got a new job, in a new state, that has completely cut down on all the stress. This means her mother (who has been living with them for many years) now has to go live with her other daughter, and my brother gets some breathing room. When I say that I am close to tears happy for him, it’s not an understatement, I only wish he had done this so much sooner! I HATE seeing people kill themselves because they love someone who only thinks of their own comfort and happiness. IT’S NOT WORTH IT! Sorry, for the caps, this really struck a cord with me.

          1. Dan*

            It’s the same tune, that’s for sure (pardon the pun riffing off of “striking a chord”). When ex got fired and just sort of expected me to keep on paying the bills, my first thought was “why do *you* get to not show up at your job and get fired, just because you feel like it, and why do *I* have to keep going to work, even if I may not really want to?”

            The funny thing is, I saw that coming a mile away, and I even warned her that if she got fired, we were done. She didn’t believe me. Joke’s on her I guess. It’s weird how ingrained it is in some adults that it is definitely not their responsibility to take care of themselves.

        2. Rebecca*

          Dan, you’re absolutely right – it’s not help, it’s enabling! I walked when the ex used my credit cards to buy lottery tickets. I told him if he ever stole from me again, or if I caught him gambling, I would leave, and I did. He whined to his friends and sister “I don’t know why she did it! She left me in the middle of the night with nothing!” He conveniently left out the part about him not being home because he was supposed to be at a part time job, that he had either quit from or been fired from weeks earlier, but continued to leave the house for his “shift” and din’t tell me. And now that there is simply no one to enable him or for him to mooch from, surprise! He works and keeps a roof over his head.

          For stitchinthyme: this will not get better. BIL will continue to take advantage as long as you enable him.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I’d like to gently suggest that you and your husband get some short-term counseling, together or separately. There’s a lot going on in your comments, but the strong thread that I see is that you, at least, really really want these other people to change their behavior. You want your MIL to get “one last chance” at the credit card so that she won’t share with BIL. You want BIL to finally get a strong message to leave your in-laws alone. Maybe you even want your husband to finally take a less conflict-averse stand?

      In my opinion (and I’m not any kind of pro, so take it for what it’s worth), almost none of this is going to happen. BIL is going to keep manipulating your in-laws, your MIL is going to keep enabling him, and if possible they are going to do all of this not only using your money, but also using your time and attention and emotional energy as well.

      I think you and your husband need some real help to actually disengage from this dynamic. Fortunately, there are a lot of ways that you can still help your in-laws financially without having the help be directly funneled to BIL. And there are ways to be sure that you and your husband are financially and emotionally safe, that don’t involve MORE conversations and interactions with his family in order to do that.

      Re-read this thread and your responses. Look at the number of clear, simple solutions that people have offered that would efficiently assist your parents-in-law without directly assisting BIL. Then look at your own responses. If you are honest with yourself, I think you will see that IN ADDITION to your stated agenda of protecting yourselves and your parents-in-law, there’s a lot of other stuff going on as well. And some of that stuff is actually interfering with your ability to safely and easily achieve your stated goal.

      None of this is unusual or shocking. It’s not a statement about you or your husband. But I think you both deserve some professional guidance at this really difficult time.

      1. stitchinthyme*

        Thanks for this. We do have a lot to think about, and you’re not wrong; I do want my husband to be more assertive in dealing with his family, and I’m reluctant to get in the middle because even though we’ve been married 20 years, I still feel like it’s their family and I’m the outsider here, and also, I’m reluctant to drive a wedge between him and his family — I have a horror of being the evil daughter-in-law who keeps their son away from them (a common staple of advice columns). If he’s going to estrange himself from them, I don’t want to be the instigator of that.

        Doesn’t help that I tend to be one of those people who has a hard time letting things go; I will beat a grievance into the ground and keep talking about it for days or weeks after it’s over, while DH is more the ostrich type: he wants to just ignore or forget problems. It makes for some frustrating interactions on both our parts, because I need to vent while he needs to forget, and those desires tend to conflict. We are lucky in that we have very few things we really argue about. Even in this case we’re in agreement that neither of us wants our money going to BIL; the way we differ is how to deal with it.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Then there is the opposite side of that story. One day I said NO to a family request/expectation. I remember my husband saying, “Fifteen years of marriage and she (meaning me) finally said NO to my family!!”
          I thought he wanted us helping his family. He seemed pretty passive/neutral about it all. I had no idea that he had hit his “Done” level a while ago.

          I think we both got caught in a trap of thinking helping family was super important. It’s important but it cannot be a bottomless pit into which one throws endless time, money and energy. There has to be a stopping point. We never talked about how much was enough. You might try asking your hubby what he thinks you guys should be doing over the long term. Ask him what he thinks is sustainable for you both. This is NOT just talking about money, it’s also talking about time, energy and emotional endurance.

        2. ket*

          Print this response out for yourself as I think it’s got a ton of insight:

          * you don’t want to be the evil daughter-in-law so if that button is pressed correctly people get a free pass on bad behavior

          * you have a hard time letting things go and DH likes to ostrich, so as a couple it’s hard to agree on how to deal with this pushing of boundaries

          * you still feel like you’re an outsider to their family after 20 years

          This family has very specific roles designated and it might help to think of it like a play or novel. Martyr mom who’ll do anything for her kids (except set boundaries and live her own life). Hardworking ostrich older boy (and yes, he gains something from this too). Golden younger boy who everyone bails out. Difficult dad who everyone edges around, the king of the play. Other-ed daughter-in-law (assuming your gender) who wants to prove her worth. Do you all really need to play these roles? Is it worth trying to step outside the story?

      2. stitchinthyme*

        Also, I am well aware that they are not going to change. BIL will continue asking his mother for help until the day she dies, and she will keep giving in because she has a blind spot when it comes to him. I am perfectly willing to take harsher measures like canceling the card and paying expenses directly, but my husband has to be on board with this because he’s the one who will have to tell her. It does help that he feels the same way as I do about giving BIL money, but his aversion to conflict and his sympathy for his mother’s difficult situation are working against us. As you say, there’s a lot to unpack here, and that’s part of why I posted — DH is already annoyed by my bringing it up multiple times since I discovered the charges last night, and I think he’d rather that I just left it alone until he calls BIL and MIL this afternoon. But that’s not my way, leaving things alone.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Emotions do not make good financial decisions.

          He’s got two very powerful emotions going on here: aversion to conflict and sympathy for his mother’s setting.

          Do you guys have a written budget? This would be very handy because you can just logically point to the fact that you have x dollars per month that you can afford to spend on your parents. Beyond that there is nothing you can do.

          The other thing you can suggest is that you guys sit down with a financial adviser and find out what you can do each month to help all the parents in this story. Again, use logic, point to the goal of “what is sustainable for us”.

          I do have a story. My senior citizen friend gives money to her adult child, this has been going on for decades. All of the sudden a bunch of life stuff happens and my friend is in a tight place financially. Child insists on borrowing money, moving in with her etc. And the requests/demands do not stop.
          Fortunately my friend has another child. Let’s call them Super Responsible Adult Child or SR for short.
          Super Responsible jumps in and straightens out the Big Mess, some of it with their own funds. (We are talking into the 5 digits here.)

          I chatted with my friend. Like you are saying, my friend finds it tough to say no. We talked about the expression of “putting on your own oxygen mask first” and why people use that expression. We talked about how SR does not have enough money to keep supporting more and more people. He has enough money to help my friend and that IS ALL. Friend cannot keep giving money to Adult Child because SR cannot afford it and will have to stop giving money to my friend if my friend continues to give her money to Adult Child.

          My friend does understand but after years of saying Yes, saying No is really hard.

          My long lost point is to use logic with your hubby. I understand that MIL will probably not change nor will she understand such a conversation. However, there is hope for your hubby. Talk about pulling in outside resources to stretch their budget, food stamps, seniors meal deliveries, programs for help with heating/electric costs and so on. Start thinking about where they can find resources other than you guys’ wallets.

          Tell your hubby that first and foremost you two have to protect each other so you both don’t end up living on the street. Then you do what you can for the parents, secondly, as you can.

          As far as the credit card itself, he can tell his mother that he can check daily to see what has been charged on the card. And he intends to do so from now on. Whether he actually does or not is a moot point. Let her know that he can go online and see what she (and in turn what BIL does) is doing any time he wants.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      Cancel the card already. Don’t give BIL a warning, he’s likely to make his last spree a doozy.

      Don’t give MIL a talking to. You know she isn’t capable of keeping a boundary with BIL, so don’t put her in that position. It’s just setting her up for failure and you for disappointment. You are the ones with the authority here, so don’t create conflict when you can just make decisions.

      Tell MIL that the card number was stolen, so you cancelled it, and that she should have bills that need paying sent to your address.

      If you want to avoid stressing MIL by making her cut off BIL, then don’t make her do it.

      You do it, and be done with it.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        And definitely put a freeze & fraud alert on your credit report, as well as some kind of identity theft monitoring.

        There is only a small step from unauthorized charges to opening unauthorized accounts. If someone feels entitled to your money, they won’t stop spending it if they can find a way.

    10. stitchinthyme*

      I have an update of sorts. DH called his brother today, and it turns out that MIL never told BIL that the credit card number she gave him was actually one paid for by us. She had given him her own credit card number in the past and told him he could use it for a meal or a bill on occasion when necessary, so he thought that he could do the same sort of thing here. He apologized for using it, and promised not to again. DH wants to watch the account closely and cancel the card if we see him using it again; he is as well aware as I am that BIL and his mother are not likely to change, but neither of us is willing to let his parents starve out of principle, even if it means some of our money goes indirectly to support BIL.

      I am not 100% satisfied with this as a solution, and DH admits that he doesn’t like it, either, but he doesn’t feel like he can just cut his parents off, and they are not going to change. If we tell them we’re taking the card and will pay expenses directly, he expects another storm of tears, and he just doesn’t want to deal with that. I did tell him that despite our usual “you deal with your family, I deal with mine” policy, I was willing to sit with him and be part of this conversation since it concerns both of us, but he wants to give BIL one more chance — if BIL really didn’t know it was our card, then his using it was at least understandable if not excusable. BIL knows full well that his parents don’t have anything, and yet he still continues to mooch off them…but he has never ever asked DH for money, probably because he knows what the answer would be.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Your husband is not as immune to his brother’s bulls**t as he thinks he is.

        Just a question, btw. No one is suggesting “cutting off” the parents, so I’m not sure why that’s even on the table. As for “a storm of tears” if you both CHOOSE to pay the same expenses one way rather than another way: Why would that be the end of the world? Why can’t Mom have a little melt-down, and still get her basic necessities paid for?

        Also, what would those tears be about? I could see it if the cancelation were presented as “We are punishing you for sharing with BIL,” or “we are punishing BIL,” or “we don’t trust you,” or “you screwed up.” But if it were actually presented as “We have to cancel this credit card for reasons that we’ve decided on, that aren’t being discussed now, and here’s how we will pay the exact same expenses going forward,” what is there actually to latch onto, tear-wise?

        1. stitchinthyme*

          The problem is that we have discussed all the options, including canceling the card and paying their bills directly, and he can’t think of any way to tell his mother we’re doing this that won’t result in a meltdown. Because believe me, I don’t mince words or drop hints when I’m talking to DH about stuff like this — he knows exactly how I feel and says he feels the same way. We are fully aware that we can’t control what she or my BIL do; we can only control what we do. And I resent the hell out of my MIL for dragging us into BIL’s crap. Especially when I know that she really, really hates to have to accept money from us for herself or my FIL (and my FIL hates it even more, to the point where she doesn’t tell him when she has to use our card to pay a bill or buy something). But she’s okay with doing it for BIL.

          And yes, we have talked to her dozens of times about this over the last 20 years. Every time, she agrees we’re right but then starts crying about how she can’t abandon her child. (We know that if we ever needed help, she’d also bend over backwards for us. But we have never needed her to, and even if we were in that kind of dire straits, our parents would be the last people we’d turn to, as none of them has anything to give.) Eventually we had to give up, because it has the same effect as talking to a brick wall. She’s not gonna change.

          Anyway, I did tell my husband I’d like to cancel their card and just pay their expenses directly. He’s not willing to do that, at least not yet, although he says he absolutely will if BIL uses the card again. I said that if he does and it’s a significant amount of money, I will dispute the charge, which could end up having legal repercussions for BIL, which would cause a serious implosion in the family, way worse than any fallout that would result from canceling the card. I think he believes that BIL really didn’t know and will refrain from using the card again. I hope he’s right but I don’t have his faith — anyone who’d steal from his own family (and I don’t mean just by mooching off them; he has actually stolen things) is not someone whose word I will trust implicitly. So we’re at kind of an impasse right now.

          1. Not A Manager*

            Sorry you’re going through all of this.

            Another thing to think about regarding unauthorized charges – if your MIL is an authorized user, and she allows someone else to use the card, it actually isn’t fraud or something you can dispute. Your MIL would have to be willing to say that BIL stole the card or the number, which she probably wouldn’t do even if it were true.

            1. stitchinthyme*

              Yes, I thought of that as well. Disputing the charge probably wouldn’t work. But if it does come to that, DH will not object to canceling the card and paying their expenses on an individual basis. I just hope we don’t regret this.

              1. blackcat*

                Is he willing to get a prepaid card? And just say “Here’s a new card, mom”?

                I know it’s hard, but your MIL’s feelings are not your (or your husband’s) responsibilities. I encourage you to seek out couples counseling, and also encourage MIL to get counseling/respite care/etc. She has too much on her plate. She needs help. But she needs help from professionals. Without that, she’ll keep making promises, breaking them, and feeling worse.

                Also, there may come a time when you simply need to take financial control. We hit that with my grandmother–one aunt now has full financial POA, because my grandmother couldn’t make sound choices and keeping track of money was incredibly stressful for her.

          2. Quandong*

            Please use this impasse to get to counselling with your husband, and to a financial planner.
            If your husband refuses to attend with you go on your own.

            What happens with husband’s family of origin and your money directly impacts you and affects your wellbeing. You have the right to determine how much risk you’re willing to take with your money, and your credit.

            It seems like your husband is stuck, and it’s up to you to be the agent of change here. I’m very sorry. Honestly, I think you have a husband problem – your husband is incapable of setting boundaries with your IL’s around their access to your money – rather than an IL problem.

            Best wishes for navigating this situation.

            1. anon for this*

              I am afraid I agree. “[H]e just doesn’t want to deal with that.” That’s the crux of the matter: his mom cries, and “he just doesn’t want to deal with that.”

              His mom crying is more important than your preferences. Sorry.

      2. Anonandanon*

        Yeah, well, drug addicts are REALLY good at lying…you may want to put some kind of spending limit on the authorized user card. Protect yourself, as it does not seem like MIL or BIL will ever put you and yours first.

    11. Rusty Shackelford*

      This is very late and I don’t know if you’re still reading, but somewhere in here, you said you didn’t want to cut his parents off because you’re also helping your mother, and you want to be “fair.” But the thing is, “fair” doesn’t mean “equal.” Treating everyone exactly the same is not fair, or else you’d have no problem supporting your BIL the same way you support your own mother. Fair means everyone gets what they deserve. And some people are more deserving than others.

  81. Virginia Plain*

    For the first time in my life I’ve taken up an actual hobby and stuck with it for more than 2 weeks. I’ve really been feeling down about my workplace and stressed from finishing my master’s degree, so I decided to take up improv on a whim. Oh. My. God. I had no idea I would be enjoying it so much. I’ve been so focused on myself within my profession that I let other aspects of my life (like hobbies) really wither. I forgot what it’s like to be viewed as a PERSON with no relation to work/school (just a person who’s bad at improv, I guess, haha).

    I never realized how “liberating” a hobby could be and… ummm…. I kind of want more social hobbies. I’ve been missing out!! If I like improv, are there any other hobbies you guys would recommend? I really enjoy the supportive aspects of it the most, it’s such a positive environment and I wasn’t expecting that!!

    1. OyHiOh*

      Some social dance classes can be incredibly supportive places (others, not so much, as is so often the case). Check on campus – some universities have social/non competitive clubs. There used to be an Arthur Murry studio in practically every city, a lot less common now but give that a try too. Otherwise, check with dance studios and see if they have social dance classes that welcome singles.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I don’t have a lot of hobbies, but I used to enjoy activities at my local yarn store. It was a long time ago, but IIRC there were some structured times for beginners or for learning certain skills, and then there were just times that you could drop in with your work.

    3. Even Steven*

      Wow! Anyone who chooses improv (improv!) as a hobby after being stressed at school and work is a powerhouse! Many people would find improv terrifying. That’s amazing! You go!!!

      As for other social hobbies, you might consider debate groups in Meetup group style. I go to a local philosophy group where we debate deep questions and get pretty lively. It’s a great way to meet new people, challenge your thinking and have a great meal – all at once!

      Congrats on the Master’s! That’s a huge accomplishment, especially doing it while working.

  82. Need a better name, CPA*

    I discovered the “Fred, the Vampire Accountant” series by Drew Hayes last week. I’m on the third volume already. Each book is a series of short stories or novellas.

    Yes, they are as humorous as the title suggests.

    1. Even Steven*

      Oh, YAY!!! Thank you! I am in accounting as well, and am always looking for ‘busman’s holiday’ fiction (if helpful this is an English expression meaning that bus drivers often take bus tour trips on their vacations, thus not straying far from work when off work). I have just placed two library holds for these. Thank you for this!

      If you like “bean counter fiction” as well, you might enjoy The Pale King, by David Foster Wallace. It was posthumously cobbled together from his massive notes after his death. It’s a long, bombastic but gripping story of the lost, dazed & complicated souls working at a Midwest IRS tax processing office. It’s uneven (had he only lived to put it in order), but has some goosebumping moments of truth and beauty.

    2. Anono-me*

      You may like Monster Hunters International.* The main protagonist is an accountant. He does not fit the stereotype.

      *I love the books, but have some ambivalent feelings about the author.

  83. Merci Dee*

    Holy smokes, y’all. Went on a band trip as a chaperone to Universal Studios this weekend.

    Good news — the band competed this afternoon, and won second place! This is the 3 year they’ve been in the competition, and they placed really well! So proud!

    Bad news — I am so officially over this amusement park. Got here at 9:00 this morning, and it’s now 9:25 this evening. I’m tired, my feet are killing me, and it started to rain like the crack of doom. You know, the way it does in Florida.

    All around, a good trip. But I’m so ready to go home tomorrow, even if it means almost 8 hours on a charter bus again.

    1. Merci Dee*

      Yoinks! This is the =first= year they competed! Which makes 2nd place that much more awesome!

    1. Glomarization, Esq.*

      The particulars (e.g., how many witnesses you need, or whether you need a notary) will vary a little state by state, and also by whether you’re the principal or the agent. Best to contact the lawyer who drew up the document in the first place. If you can’t, then find a lawyer who focuses their practice on estate planning. Your state bar association probably has a lawyer referral phone service to help you find a competent lawyer for this.

    2. Kuododi*

      I ran the question by DH. (Part of his job involves helping patients/patients parents or guardians draw up durable power of attorney for healthcare and living wills). According to him, the easiest way to go if you want to revoke and appoint different healthcare spokesperson would be to draw up new documents to that effect. Problems develop if there’s concerns about patients competency to articulate their own wishes. (Then they would call in professional to make appropriate evaluations.). Of course, this would vary depending on the jurisdiction. Bear in mind, this is only regarding health care POA. Neither of us have any dealing with financial or other types of POA other than health related. Best regards.

    3. fposte*

      Is it your own? That’s usually pretty simple, assuming you’re considered competent; there are revocation of POA forms online that you can use to help, but basically written notice to relevant parties that [Blank] is no longer legally empowered to act on your behalf.

      If it’s somebody else’s, or if your competence is challenged, that’s more difficult, and a lawyer would be highly advisable.

  85. Rebecca*

    I’d like to make a comment – as a person who has always been on the large side since childhood. I’ll never be thin. I could maybe get into a size 14 or 16 if I starved myself for months on end, but it wouldn’t work and I’d be right back where I am now, plus some. I’ve tried. I’m in the USA, wear size 1X or 20W, depending on the brand, 5’8″, and of course I am obese, my BMI is too high, etc. I have a truly large frame, large size 12 feet, hands, thick bone structure, my wrist at the bony part is 7 3/4″, and it’s nearly impossible for me to find a bracelet. My ring finger takes a size 11 ring. I know this, no one needs to point it out. I have had pain issues over the past year that have kept me off my bike, but I walk 10K steps per day plus (I strive for 15K), despite having an office job. So I am a big person and I will never be thin. I’d love to be as “fat” as I was in high school or college when I wore a size 16 or 18.

    Thankfully, my medical tests are all OK, no heart problems, no problems with blood sugar, etc. But I am automatically looked at as unhealthy. If you showed a picture of me standing with my coworkers who smoke, drink, never exercise, and eat junk food, but they weigh less than me, you’d pick me out as the obvious unhealthy person, even though I take sick days just to get the time off, not because I’m sick.

    I just got done reading “In Defense of Food” and it made a lot of good points about how science has fiddled with our food, made a lot of it into food like substances, and here we are – rampant obesity, type II diabetes, etc. I’m trying to eat more real food vs processed food, and right now I’m about 80/20 to that goal. I started a prescription anti inflammatory drug 3 weeks ago, and I’m able to walk more without pain and hope to get back on my bike. I’m hoping to reduce my overall weight and increase my health at the same time. And I go by how my clothes fit, not necessarily the scale itself, because I’ve already been in that place where my pants are literally falling down but the scale says I gained 5 lbs. No thanks.

    I’d also like to say I’ve put up with “the look” my entire life – at restaurants if I dare get dessert, or if I get up to get a second helping at a buffet, and comments from my short tiny mother, who has never failed to try to encourage me to lose weight by making comments about my eating habits and how they will catch up with me someday and I’ll be sorry. I can tell you fat shaming doesn’t work, it’s not helpful, people know they are overweight. I doubt there are very many people who would tell you “I was overweight until a stranger at a restaurant snickered at me as I walked by and made a mooing sound, so I lost weight and kept it off”.

    Another issue is unsolicited medical advice from strangers. I would never dream of telling someone on the street “your nose is too big, you should have rhinoplasty and get that fixed”. But I met a man while out for a walk last Summer who, within 5 minutes of striking up a conversation, started telling me how I could lose weight and feel better by fasting. I was stunned, but not really, as many people seem to think it’s OK to give advice to an overweight person for [reasons]. I was so glad I could get away – he was on a bike, I was walking, so I took a non-bike friendly detour. Ugh.

    I just wish people wouldn’t feel so free to make comments to complete strangers about weight issues, just like many people don’t comment on hair style, hair color, facial features, shoe choice, etc.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ll chime in with one thing from a friend with similar build — she got some relief from foot/hip issues when she had regular access to a pool. And she wasn’t swimming laps, ‘just’ walking around in water more than waist deep. She also notices her shoes stop giving support before they’re visibly worn–that’s become a big thing for me too. As soon as one of us says our feet are bothering us, the other asks what shoes we’ve been wearing… pretty much 100% correlation for me at least.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      It’s especially horrible when you’re heavy and actually out trying to do something fun and healthy such as riding you bike or rollerblading. Do they think we don’t hear the comments? WTF gives them the right to comment?

    4. LCL*

      I hear ya. I have a similar large frame and bone structure. To everyone who respond with models are tall and if you just lost weight you’d look like that. No, no I wouldn’t. I knew someone who modeled-she was 5’11”, but her bone structure was tiny, her wrists were half the size of mine, etc. I say, we should celebrate the human body is made in such a variety. If being big was good enough for Julia Child it’s good enough for me.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I like In Defense Of Food, but I REALLY like The Omnivore’s Dilemma. That one came first and is more thorough, in my opinion.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      And I go by how my clothes fit, not necessarily the scale itself, because I’ve already been in that place where my pants are literally falling down but the scale says I gained 5 lbs.

      I do this too. Muscle is more dense than fat–it takes up less space, so you can gain muscle and your weight will go up / not change but you can lose inches. It’s confusing. I know when I’ve lost weight by the way certain stuff fits (and of course by looking). I don’t even have a scale, nor do I look at the doctor’s office and I ask them not to tell me what it says. Though I really wish they wouldn’t weigh me every single bloody time I go in–can I refuse?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        When I finally stopped eating so much junk, my body shifted. I lost three sizes and a whopping FOUR pounds. ha! The company nurse weighed me, so very sure she was going to find some big problem going on. I was laughing privately the whole time. I weighed over a 150 pounds.
        She said, “Where is it?”
        Muscles.

      2. Catherine*

        I have certainly refused to be weighed at the doctors’ office before–a smile and a gentle but firm “no thank you” has always done the trick for me. (Sometimes the “no thank you” is a response to a direct request to get on the scale, or comes off as a non sequitur, but it’s not like they can get away with picking me up and putting me on the scale by main force, so I get my way.)

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I might do this next time–it’s actually kind of stupid for them to weigh me again if I was just in there recently and haven’t lost or gained any significant amount of weight. I’ll still let them take my temperature and BP, though.

  86. The Other Dawn*

    Well, I’ve finally made the decision to have my flower garden gutted so I can start all over. I’ve tried to keep up with it and make it look better over the last five years since moving in, but I just can’t deal with it anymore. While there are some nice perennials in there, some of which I added after moving here, there’s just too much grass, weeds and vines and it’s such an ordeal to tame down every year. Add to that my back problems and I just can’t do it.

    I found a landscaper and he gave me a quote today, so we’re going ahead with it next week, assuming his schedule isn’t further backed up due to all the rain we’re having in CT. He’s going to rip out the bushes, which I’m sad about because they’re beautiful heirloom varieties. They’re getting overrun with vines, poison ivy and maple saplings, though, so it’s easier to just start over. He’ll leave the little man-made pond and the rock wall, but the rest is going.

    Any ideas for new plantings? I don’t know if I’ll do that this year or wait, although maybe I’ll plant some bulbs in the fall to get started. I definitely want to put in rhododendron bushes to replace the heirloom bushes (they’re currently about eight feet tall) but I’m not sure what else. I’m thinking some creeping phlox, hens and chicks, some herbs maybe. Basically I want low maintenance perennials that would fit in with a 1735 era house. The area is full sun 10+ hours a day, so my go-to of hostas won’t work (I love that I can’t kill them!), and it’s probably a 12 x 12 area.

    1. PlatypusOo*

      I’m looking at my Minnesota yard thinking I’m just going to have to gut all my weed ridden beds and start over as well. The previous owners had immaculate areas all over my double lot and after the past 10 years of neglect on my part I now have the time to fix it. But where to start? Argh!

      1. ket*

        I got the “Know-Maintenance Perennial Garden” book from the library. Thought the guy was crazy at first but it started to grow on me (heheh). I’ll be following some of his ideas for my MN garden. The author is from Wisconsin so it’s area-appropriate.

        Big idea, which fits with what some folks below are saying: pick just a few perennials that will grow well together, and put those together thoughtfully. The author (Roy Diblik) uses a lot of native plants so you can make it pollinator-friendly and bird-friendly, but he also really pushed me to think about what might live well together for five years without intervention. And with that much sun you might find his prairie-inspired ideas very useful.

        I’m aiming for a lot of monarda/bee balm and some specific prairie grasses mixed in.

    2. Madge*

      I’m in the same position. The gardens that came with the house (after 10 years I still don’t consider them “mine”) were overgrown when we bought the house. It’s been an interesting experiment to observe how plants and weeds behave and overrun each other when left to themselves. My neighbor has a flame thrower and it’s very tempting to just burn it all and start fresh.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      There are some nice plants in the garden, so I’m thinking I might dig up a few and pot them before the landscaper arrives. I may grab part of the lemon thyme; a few poppy, tulip and daffodil bulbs; and maybe parts of the creeping phlox. I think those could be potted easily and held until after he leaves. I could probably grab the hens and chicks, too, as there only a few of those in a single square foot area. The other things, I’ll just have to be OK with ditching them. I wonder if I could take some clippings from the bushes and root them? I haven’t done that before. I’d love to have the scentless mock orange for later use (oddly, this bush smells really nice).

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Have you considered something less extreme and contacting FFA and Grange to find a teen who might take on your weekly maintenance?

        1. The Other Dawn*

          No, I really need to just start over. I’ve thought about it for a few years now and I just want to start over. Aside from that, the original owners didn’t really seem to have much of a plan when they planted it. Things are just spread all over the place.

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I have no suggestions, but I will be doing something similar in a few years. I bought a house a little over a year ago, and the yard is both bigger and much more complicated than anything I’ve taken care of before. Right now, I’m trying to see “how it lives” before making major changes, but I already can tell that the current set-up requires a lot more time and attention than I’ll be able to give it. (I’m battling ivy, blackberries, and a bunch of dandelion-adjacent weed types, trying to deal with both a swimming pool and a pond, and also there are far too many flowering trees shedding onto hard-to-clean things like the roof. Last year, I totally forgot I had fruit and didn’t harvest either the cherries or the grapes, so this year the goal is to at least taste both of those to see if they’re worth putting the time into harvesting and giving away.)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’ve seen BuyNothing and Freecycle posts “I have $crop I can’t harvest this year, do you want to come get it before it’s wasted?”

      2. HeyNonny*

        And people wonder why I make bad faces at the blackberries and ivy for sale at the local nursery. I know people in a garden club that exists for the sole purpose of killing ivy. Apparently goats are useful.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Honestly, I love, love, love, large plantings of the same flower next to old homes. I think it looks elegant, classy and it’s definitely easier to maintain than a mixed bunch.

      I am thinking some rhodos as your anchors then pick a couple perennial flowers and do large swaths of just one kind of flower, then another large space of another flower. You can leave space near the edges for your herbs/bulbs and leave an area that you can just “play” with different types of plants when you feel like it.

      I have a lilac and a bunch of variegated hosta surrounding the base. It looks pretty cool. I get compliments.

      At the back of my garage I covered a 10 x 3 area with just scented geraniums. Something so simple but it looks sharp, again more compliments. (It’s in an area that is difficult to mow, so it’s a very practical set up, too.)

      These beds still require some work but they are not as needy as more complex beds. Because the plants fill in their gaps, there is less weeding so even when they look bad, they are not terrible. I can clean them up fairly fast.

      You may like to consider a small herb bed next to your kitchen/back door. That is what they used to do. My friend has a bed that is probably 3 x 12, I think. It’s right outside her kitchen door, she can grab anything at a moments notice. And she gets a lot of stuff planted in that area. Herbs are work because they get leggy if left too long. So a smaller bed might work out for you and you still might have more than you can use.

      1. fposte*

        I think there is a lot to be said for that single-flower approach. Dawn, if you’re going to do that, here are some possibilities to explore. First, daylilies, which are very, very low maintenance, bless ’em; you have a wide choice of hues, albeit mostly on the warm side of the palette, and a wide choice of heights and bloom seasons; they also partner well with bulbs like daffodils and tulips, because they start coming out as the daffs finish. Some of them are fragrant, especially the older yellow types.

        I’m also turning a lot to Siberian iris. I love the bearded iris too, but they’re a maintenance PITA, at least around here, since they’re prone to a really gross borer worm. The Siberians are fazed by nothing and grow into very thick clumps that suppress weeds, and their foliage looks good, IMHO, even after the plants stop blooming.

        Just a couple of possibilities!

        1. LibbyG*

          And peonies are hard to kill and like lots of sunlight. The foliage looks nice even after the blooms are done.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I LOVE peonies and have always wanted them. I’ve seen them at a lot of historical homes we’ve visited and they’re beautiful.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you’re in a central CT dang I’d take some of your mature bushes…We’re losing hemlocks on our wooded lot and the state road seems noisier already!
      Anyway, I’m a big fan of vinca and bulbs, daisies, and lilacs because none of those need much tending.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Actually, I AM in central CT. I have a mock orange and a Weigela Florida ‘Red Prince’. I have one other thing, but I can’t remember what it is since it’s not blooming yet. You’re welcome to them! I love them so much, but the vines and poison ivy are just too much to deal with. I’d rather start over.

  87. noahwynn*

    I’m just about done dealing with my downstairs neighbor.

    When I first moved in she was mad at me and told me I stole her parking spot. The thing is I didn’t. There’s 7 spots for 10 apartments. It is an extra $50 per month if you want a parking spot. She never paid for a parking spot and apparently was just using the spot for the few months between when the person I sublet from moved out and I moved in. I came home late one night and her car was in my spot, this was after numerous conversations and me going in and knocking on her door and asking her to move the car every day for a week. I finally had enough and just called and had her car towed. She was not happy and called me a rednick hick (I grew up in the south and have an accent, and now live in Minneapolis), a gay slur (I’m bi and have a boyfriend currently), and an a-hole.

    She’s also complained about me being noisy, on days I was away on business trips and my dog and cat were at boarding. So, it wasn’t me or my pets at all that she heard. Once I explained that the landlord told me not to worry about it.

    Today I had a note on my door that asked me not to take showers so early every morning because she can hear the water running through the walls and it disturbs her. I did wake up this morning at 5:30, go on a run, and was back around 6:30 and showered. I waited until around 10:00 and went down and knocked on her door. I apologized if I disturbed her this morning and said I’d make an effort to not shower so early on the weekends. Her response was, “I meant everyday, not just the weekends.” I replied that I work during the week and have to shower in the morning before work, so I’d still be showering about 7:00. She said she was unacceptable and she was sending a complaint about the noise to the landlord. I took a photo of the note, recapped the conversation and sent an email to the landlord as well.

    I’m at the point where I don’t know what to do. I have 7 months left on my lease and I don’t really want to move. I love the neighborhood and the apartment. I don’t want her to get evicted either, I just want us to live in civil peace. We don’t have to be friends or like each other. In the email to the landlord I asked for a time this week to meet with him so I can discuss everything that has happened. He owns a few other buildings in the neighborhood, so I’m hopeful he has an open unit soon and I can just transfer to one to one of those.

    Is there anything else I can or should do? Am I being unreasonable? Should I have just thrown the note away and stopped trying to fix the problem?

    1. Anonandanon*

      Yeah, she doesn’t want to fix the problem, she wants everything HER way or the highway. There is no reasoning with this type of person. You keep doing you, and let her write notes or bitch to the landlord. Ignore, ignore, ignore… Oh, and she cannot decree when you can and cannot take a shower…ridiculous! She sounds like a miserable, narrow-minded person…the sooner you can get out of there, the better.

      1. noahwynn*

        Very good description, at least from my viewpoint. The offer to shower later was my attempt at compromise. We all live in the same building so I’m willing to make reasonable efforts to make sure everyone is comfortable. There are no open units listed on his website, but hopefully something will free up and I can move there.

        1. valentine*

          Stop interacting with her. She does not share your goals or values. Perhaps she thrives on conflict and creates it when her stock runs low. Just for your own peace of mind, read the noise ordinance for your jurisdiction. It probably says ordinary life stuff has no restrictions. Put on gloves to handle any future notes. Photograph them, back up the photos, and place the notes in sandwich bags and box them. Hopefully, you will never need them. If you can successfully move to escape her, great, but your willingness to do so, as well as your Job-like patience with her stealing your $50 spot, is extraordinary when she is the (constant!) aggressor.

          If you can find a place with good on-site management, that might be a better move.

    2. Lilysparrow*

      I think it was smart to make sure the landlord knows that you’re being reasonable and she isn’t.

      But now that’s established, you’re better off ignoring her. You can’t fix whatever’s wrong with her.

    3. Hannah*

      If she gets evicted, she’s getting herself evicted, not you! Like Alison always says about people getting people fired….

    4. Bluebell*

      Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Do you know your next door neighbors? It would be useful to find out if anyone else has had problems with your downstairs neighbor.

      1. noahwynn*

        Others have had issues too. She’ll make comments whenever you order Postmates, Uber Eats, etc. and she sees you meeting the driver about how it is wasting money. So she’s not the most popular person in the building.

    5. WellRed*

      She won’t get evicted over this stuff. At most, he’d not renew her lease. Sorry, though. Life is much easier when neighbors aren’t assholes.

    6. Nacho*

      Fuck her. Some people just can’t be reasoned with, and it’s not worth the time or energy to deal with her. Shower when you want, be it 7:00 or 5:00, and don’t give her a second thought.

  88. PursuingaPurse*

    I have the hardest time picking out purses. I see purses online and think they look great, then look in the store and just think, “meh.”

    I like larger purses that have zipper tops that I can carry to work and everyday, but they always seem to look like diaper bags or gym bags.

    I also hate any labeling on bags. I’ll find the cutest bag, only to see the designer’s name on it somewhere prominently. I hate that! I’m already giving you my money, I’m not advertising your name!

    Any recommendations for cute purses that aren’t thousands of dollars? I’m willing to spend a few hundred for a good one but no more than that.

    1. Kuododi*

      I would suggest a Brighton bag. I talked about it a bit earlier in the thread. It’s a very well made bag with a plethora of different styles. It’s not one of those “In your face” kind of designer bag. I would call it the “best kept secret” of the fashion world. The best thing is that once a year you can send your Brighton back to the company and they will inspect the purse, condition the leather, clean and fix any issues with the metal fixtures. Mine is a crossbody bag that was a bit over $300. I’ve seen them as low as $250 ish for a small clutch or crossbody, and up to $950-$1000 for a big tote style purse. Hope this helps.

    2. fposte*

      Bags are so personal, aren’t they? I don’t know whether you’re limiting your choices to leather or not, but I really like the Baggallini bags, which are lightweight nylon but very sturdily made, and they come in a lot of configurations. The only visible name is small type indented into the hardware (I honestly never saw it until this post made me look).

      1. Elizabeth West*

        They really are very personal. The fam pitched in for a Coach purse as a Christmas gift for me once. I was grateful and I like it, especially since it’s just black and not branded all over. But it’s on the small side so I only use it for special occasions, and since I never do anything, it barely gets used. It’s nice to have a good bag for fancy; however, I would NEVER have picked out such a small bag for everyday.

    3. Katefish*

      I love Target… Have gotten several cute purses on clearance. They’re not all cute, but the good ones aren’t over $40 and last a couple years with heavy daily wear.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I bought an Elliott Lucca wallet at TJ Maxx one time and it’s lasted me forever. When I was still at Exjob and had actual money, I found an Elliott Lucca satchel purse at Dillard’s that had the exact same lining. It’s exactly like this only black: https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/91cVP1SscIL._UY500_.jpg

      Although the cross-body strap is a bit too long, I love it because the cosmetic pocket is VERY deep and the purse holds all my crap. I forget what I paid; it was maybe $150? I have never ever paid that much for a purse in my life, but it’s lasted pretty well, even though it’s a little scruffy looking by now. I’m very hard on purses. I do recommend this brand and would definitely buy another one.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Forgot to mention, neither piece has a huge brand stamp or plate on it, just a small decorative thing.

      2. Yep, that's about right*

        I hadn’t heard of Elliott Lucca, so I googled — some very nice purses! I did notice that there are some on Poshmark at quite a discount. I assume they are legit?!?

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I have no idea–I know nothing about Poshmark. If it’s anything like TJ Maxx, then it should be. TJ Maxx gets leftovers from department stores, which is where you’ll find them initially.

    5. Triumphant Fox*

      I really like my Lo & Sons bag right now. I have the OG, but I’ve looked at their other styles and been impressed with the quality. The Seville has a separate shell that you can swap out, so if you want a new look, you don’t have to transfer all your stuff, just swap the outer shell. They also don’t have any prominent labeling – just a removable gold or silver round metal tag with their hummingbird on one side and L&S on the other. They often have sales so do NOT pay full price. Mine was under $200 and I see the Seville for around $250-$300 depending on the options. I bought mine for a work trip so that I could slip this bag, with my work laptop, over my carry on and still stuff it full of other things. It fit great under the seat in front of me on the plane and I could still access all my things. Lots of organization and pretty interiors.

      Another one I looked at was Dagne & Dover, which also has minimal labeling I think. My concern with theirs was that it would really be too heavy and when I was making this purchase I was having serious back and pelvic issues. It’s not so much a problem now, but weight was the reason I really don’t use my coach laptop bag. That leather is HEAVY.

      1. San Juan Worm*

        I found a Hadaki leather tote at a discount site in purple. It has zero branding or labels/tags on the outside, fits my daily essentials, lunch/snack, and whatever work I’m bringing home. I’ve had it for a year and it’s held up well.

  89. anon24*

    Does anyone have any advice on how to clean algae off wood when you don’t have a hose and can’t let it drip?

    I live in apartment on the second floor and have a balcony made of wooden deck planks. There are gaps in between the planks like a normal deck and my neighbor underneath (who I don’t know and who avoids my attempts to even say hi) has some very nice patio furniture directly below my balcony. It’s been damp and rainy the last few months and my balcony is looking decidedly green. I’d love to clean it up a little but I don’t have a hose and don’t want to risk any bleach or chemicals dripping between the cracks and ruining my neighbor’s furniture. Anyone have any suggestions?

    1. university minion*

      You’re going to have to wet it down enough to scrub and rinse away what you scrubbed up. There’s no way around that. I’m not one for leaving random notes on peoples’ doors, but this might be one of those times where it’s the best option:

      Dear So-and-so,
      I will be cleaning my balcony on Saturday May XX, 2019 and will use Clorox Outdoor (or whatever you plan to use). I will do my best to minimise water usage, but some water and cleaner will drip onto your balcony. Please let me know if you have any questions.
      Thanks,
      Person the next floor up

    2. WellRed*

      Yeah, you gotta tell them. Even water from a dirty porch can damage the furniture. I live on a first floor with porches like this. Maybe, maybe, the neighbor will thaw slightly.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think I would ask the landlord or apartment manager if they can fix it or if they have a preferred way that you handle it.
      Tell them it’s slippery and you are concerned someone will fall.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Oh good point–some places consider that the outside therefore their responsibility.

        1. valentine*

          If it turns out it’s on you, ask to borrow the property’s hose. If you have a tarp or the like, offer it to the neighbor.

  90. Dee-Nice*

    I hope it’s okay to post this here, because it’s kind of gross! Sorry I’m advance if it’s TMI, but: has anyone here had success in getting rid of prolapsed hemorrhoids? How painful was your treatment? Did it last? I am at the point where they don’t cause me pain, but they do flare up occasionally with horrible itching, and at all times they make it difficult to keep myself clean. Also, they’re just disgusting. Any experiences anyone is willing to share would be helpful.

    1. Anonymosity*

      Yes.
      Getting them clipped was the only thing that got rid of them for good. It did absolutely hurt like hell (you will need painkillers), but I also insisted the doctor get them all because I was afraid I couldn’t afford to come back, even though she warned me I’d regret it. After a couple of days it was a lot better.

      Lots of water and more dietary fiber will help prevent recurrence. Also, get a Squatty Potty. You sit on the toilet and put your feet on it. It forces you into a squat position, which makes it much easier to poo. Sitting like on a chair kinks your colon and can lead to straining, and straining contributes to hemorrhoids. A cheap knockoff of the Squatty Potty will do. Aldi has them sometimes when they put out assistive devices for older folks.

    2. Just us chickens*

      I try and use witch hazel after BMs which I think is supposed to help shrink hemmoroids. I’m not sure if that helps your situation though.

  91. Sh’Dynasty*

    Alright so I’m 26yr old… last week was in pretty high pain on my tailbone whenever I rocked on a seated position. I didn’t fall down or damage it that I know of. The pain slowly went away, but it look almost a week.
    Today I was getting dressed and sneezed. I felt a pop on my tailbone and then have been in pretty high pain since.

    Anyone have this happen to them?? I feel ridiculous not being able to sit because of a sneeze! Any recommendations to feel better?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I had an infection around my tail bone and this pain sounds familiar to me.
      Get thee to a doc if this does not clear up shortly. I mean like within a week. Don’t let this go unchecked if it persists for more than a few days.
      If you prefer gentler fixes you could try a chiro first. Ask over the phone if they are familiar with discomforts like you are having. If they say yes, then I would try that doc.

    2. Not a dr*

      Speaking as a completely non medical person, this sounds similar to something called a pilonidal cyst. Usually benign but very painful. I’d strongly suggest calling a doctor and asking about it.

      1. Not a dr*

        I wanted to add—because it’s your tail bone, you might be embarrassed or thinking it shouldn’t be a big deal. But you’ve been in real pain for a week!

        A few minutes embarrassment on the phone is better than another week of pain. Really! :)

  92. Carbovore*

    A coworker that really grew to be a great friend and support system is leaving our office at the end of this week to start a wonderful new job. I’d love to send her off with a small gift–what gifts have you given or been given to congratulate someone on a new job that they/you loved?

    1. Hannah*

      A while ago a coworker with whom I was pretty close (and who did a lot of great work that made my job easier!) left for a great new job. I always came to work a little earlier than she did, so each day of her last week, I left her a different treat on her desk with a little note either about how she needed sustenance to get through all her last goodbye tasks, or something in particular I was going to miss when she left, etc.

  93. Sad Panda Friend*

    One of my best friends recently broke up with her boyfriend of 9 months. We are in our in 30s… She doesn’t want it to be over. He is done; they are not getting back together.

    What are some words of encouragement you’ve been told after a recent break up that actually made you feel better?

    1. Cruciatus*

      The latest Captain Awkward is from one part of a former couple who doesn’t want it to be over but…it is because he wants it to be over. It’s from May 2nd. Maybe check that out and see if anything can apply to your friend. One thing is basically she needs to feel all the feels. I don’t think there is much encouragement that would be appreciated at this stage–she’s gotta be sad for now.

      1. Ewesername*

        My best in walked in with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Said nothing.
        It was perfect.

      2. Not A Manager*

        I was just going to post this. The Captain’s advice is lyrical, and the commentariat is even more supportive than usual. Bonus points for excellent poetry.

    2. Zona the Great*

      Honestly it was, “I wish I had a magic wand and could make you feel better.” Acknowledging it sucked and words couldn’t help was somehow comforting.

    3. Anon Anon Anon*

      For me, it’s one of those things where words don’t really help. I just need a friend to be there to listen and offer distractions – fun things to do, other guys to check out, etc.

      I have some words of wisdom about being rejected. It’s almost always for the best and could have gone the other way had you known each other better. There’s usually some kind of incompatibility that would be hard for both people to live with. But that’s hard to hear when you’re going through the emotions. So I would just listen and be supportive of whatever she needs to get through it.

  94. Pinky Pie*

    I just had the worst service at a restaurant. Waitress wouldn’t send over the manager to discuss it. Plot twist- I was there mystery shopping them.

    1. Lena Clare*

      I enjoyed the finale. It was silly but tied up some loose ends and led to others for the next series.

      Who did you think is the 4th caddy? I think it’s either one of the 2 highest ranking police officers that Ted had to answer to, either the Asian guy or more likely the higher ranking woman, can’t remember her name.

      And wasn’t Anna Maxwell Martin absolutely brilliant?!

    2. Hufflepuffin*

      I’m really disappointed to be honest – it just wasn’t a very satisfying finale and the Dot-Dot-Dot-Dot Cottan thing is kind of a joke.

      I enjoyed THAT line from Kate though!

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh the dot dot dot dot thing was bonkers I agree!

        I totally need to be using that text though to get me out of work meetings ;)

  96. Melodie*

    When did the idea of ‘body positivity’ thing turn into ‘get as fat as you want’?

    Didn’t it start out as a way of helping people accept what they perceive to be imperfections about their bodies? More specifically, things they can’t change (bar major surgery or something equally drastic), like scars or missing appendages?

    Now every post under that tag seem to be about how obesity isn’t an issue and that it’s somehow on par with height or feet size in that you can’t change it? Not to mention all the moaning about not being able to find ‘cute’ fashion (because that’s somehow comparable to dealing with a disability) in ever growing sizes (seriously, US sizes are starting to look like European ones).

    Don’t get me wrong, I think shaming anyone for their weight is absolutely wrong and no one should dictate how someone else is living their life. But the way THIS particular message is being spread is actually HARMFUL. It’s not ‘fatshaming’ for the NHS to point out that obesity is a major risk factor for many health conditions, much like the way they do for smoking.

    To try and convince young, impressionable people that this is not a problem is dangerous. I get that there’s need to counteract the pressure from social media to look ‘perfect’ (and thin) but to go to such extremes in the opposite direction is not ‘correcting’ a problem, it’s just creating a new problem. And even worse is when they try to convince people who DO want to change that weight is beyond their control. That’s the very opposite of empowering. There’s so much information on this out there now about how to control (both lose and gain) weight in a healthy, steady way, but it’s like people don’t WANT these solutions, and just want to make excuses.

    So okay, fine. Other people’s weight is none of my business and doesn’t affect me unless I have to sit next to them or share a cramped space. I wouldn’t care about this at all except now they’re actively spreading information that is both false and harmful, and doing under some sort of ‘virtue’ flag no less. They can’t in good faith actually believe that to be true.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      There are some really problematic things here that I don’t care to host on this site, but by the time I saw it, there were already a lot of thoughtful replies to it and I don’t want to lose those. So I’m moving the thread to the bottom of the page, and I’m sticking this warning here so that people who don’t want to read this debate can simply collapse the thread.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        Thank you Alison. I was really sad to see this here and I’m glad you have called it out.

      2. Lcsa99*

        Alison, is there any chance it’s been long enough you can let this one go now? I am purposely not reading the comments because I find this upsetting, but I like to scroll to the bottom first to see new questions and I keep seeing this one. Its disconcerting to keep reading this (even just the first sentence) again and again.

      3. ArtK*

        Thank you. I was exercising a lot of self-control to avoid making snarky comments. *sigh*

    2. Amtelope*

      Wow. Yes, other people get to be fat, and to like their bodies while being fat. Maybe don’t hang out in spaces specifically for accepting the body you have if you are determined that every fat person needs to be focused on changing their body.

      3. dumblewald*

        Agree – and it isn’t your place to decide whether an fat person should stop being fat, and whether they are unhealthy or not. That’s up to them, their doctor, and any other medical professionals they *choose* to consult.

        Be clear that no one is telling *you* that you should be bigger or fat or anything. You’re allowed to aspire to being thin/lean if that’s what *you* want, but let others be how they want.

      4. Jamies*

        That’s not what Melodie said and you’re unhelpfully wrongly reducing someone pointing out a valid societal issue as “someone just dislikes fat people”.

        1. Fish Microwaver*

          I agree. Melodies post raises interesting questions but is not offensive.

    3. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

      This is a very complex issue that can’t be reduced to “don’t want to”. I do agree that good health should be the goal and carrying extra weight isn’t really healthy. I’m fluffy myself, so I get it.

      1. Bluewall*

        But body appearance isn’t always related to general health. It’s possible and not uncommon to be overweight and in good health, and “thin” and in poor health.

        And while the OP says there’s plenty of literature about how to lose weight, there’s also plenty of research showing that it’s nearly impossible to maintain weight lose, and yo-yo dieting indeed raises your set point.

        The main (incredibly empowering) thing I’ve learned from the body positivity movement is: There’s no wrong way to have a body.

        1. Jamies*

          What research is there that says it’s nearly impossible for an obese person to lose weight? Also does that research shown it’s a physical impossibility or a mental issue?

          1. Parenthetically*

            The broad consensus of research demonstrates that upwards of 95% of people who attempt to lose weight do not maintain that loss, and that around 2/3 of people who attempt to lose weight end up at a higher weight. Gaining weight is by far the most common outcome of weight loss attempts.

            What other “treatment” has a 95% failure rate AND has a multibillion dollar industry built on ensuring people in that 95% are the ones who are relentlessly blamed for the failure?

      2. Parenthetically*

        “carrying extra weight isn’t really healthy”

        Common misconception, actually. Particularly as we age, the demographic with the worst health outcomes are the ones in the underweight BMI category, and the demographic with the best health outcomes are the ones in the overweight category.

        1. Thursday Next*

          IIRC, it’s people who are slightly overweight—I.e., people who probably gained weight as they aged.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Yes, that’s correct — which is most of us, and which again is something the diet industry tells us is a personal failure to be fought against relentlessly. There hasn’t been enough research done on this, I don’t think, but what little I’ve read fascinates me, that there seems to be a real protective factor to being 10-50 lbs overweight as we age.

    4. Angwyshaunce*

      It is unfortunately easier to maintain the status quo of one’s self by hiding behind contrived titles rather than working on improving yourself. Just like how some alcoholics use the “it’s a disease” thing to justify continuing to drink. We humans use rationalization as a super power where our egos are concerned.

      Regarding obesity in America: It’s not always because people are lazy or gluttonous. Most of our food is sabotaged with unnecessary fat and sugars – even (and especially) food that is marketed as healthy. For instance, for many brands of yogurt, there is as much sugar in a single serving as there is in a soda.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Try buying products that do not have added sugar in them. It does lower your food bill, though, as you have to pass by most items in the store. Sometimes I have to laugh, “why is there even sugar in this product?”
        Same with added salt. If they remove the sugar then they seem to add more salt. I like salt and I use sea salt. But some products are so salty that I just cannot enjoy them.

        1. BelleMorte*

          I actually started doing this via Keto and it is absolutely appalling how much sugar and flour is added to everything, even things branded as “healthy” or “low calorie”. In order to purchase things without sugar you either pay a premium i.e. 7 dollars for a jar of tomato sauce without sugar compared to 1.50 for a regular sugar laden sauce, or you make it yourself.

          You might think making it yourself may be more cost effective IF you have the time to do it, the money for the up front costs, the storage space, the skills and knowledge of how to can things and so forth. Many people do not have the time, if you look at average families adults are working way more than 40 hours a week, the kids are overscheduled and everyone is zipping around with obligations to everyone and everything with very little downtime. The poorer set tend to work multiple jobs on top of this, and often will not have the nutritional education or time to make better choices.

          No one wants to be fat, but criticizing and shaming people has never helped matters, in fact, it often does the opposite by destroying their self-esteem so they figure why even bother. For example, when I was losing weight I would go out walking, running or biking, I would literally have people mooing at me from cars. How does that encourage people to go out and exercise?

          Body positivity is helping people become healthier mentally first before they can start working on the external parts. Almost everyone I know who has succeeded in weight loss has done the mental battle first.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I hate the amount of added crap in our food; it’s disgusting.

          This can be really hard if you’re super poor, though. People wonder how poor folks can be fat. I can tell you—I used to shop at a low-income grocery (not Aldi; I’m talking something like Save-a-Lot only smaller and crappier) and nearly all the food there was processed. Generic processed food is cheaper and it has a longer shelf life. I still go to Save-A-Lot sometimes when money is tight, but there is barely anything decent to eat there. Just the kind of food that makes you fat.

          When you’re poor, you often can’t afford to buy stuff that doesn’t keep, especially if you’re on a benefits-limited or fixed income. Also, you might not have access to a kitchen. I have experienced this too. Plus, food deserts. Ugh. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a shop like the one I went to, but not always. And if you have to hire a car or get a friend to help you go to the store, you’re not apt to buy stuff that has to be constantly replenished.

          After years of eating like that, it took time for me to get used to better food and even to prefer it. At my most poverty-stricken, however, I was very thin because I was LITERALLY starving.

      2. fposte*

        It’s almost never simply because people are lazy or gluttonous, in fact, unless you believe that laziness and gluttony suddenly spiked in the late 20th century. It’s weird how something so epidemiologically significant gets treated as personal weakness, but I guess that’s how little culture likes science.

      3. Dan*

        The other thing with fatness in America: Our “laziness” is self-inflicted, so to speak. When I travel abroad, I’m amazed at just how much exercise is obtained in regular daily activity, mostly because things are set up such that there is reliable and efficient mass transit and people can (and sometimes must) avoid cars. For the most part, the US is largely car-dependent. I live in the suburbs of a large metro area with an “ok” transit system. But I drive to work because it’s more convenient, and frankly cheaper. I walk perhaps 100 feet to my car parked in my apartment parking lot, drive to work, park in a parking garage, and walk roughly the same amount to my office. Our subway system and buses doesn’t run terribly frequently, so taking them is a bit longer than driving, and less convenient.

        1. fposte*

          I agree, but I think that’s to some extent related to the dietary changes. Basically, evolution never saw the 20th century coming–we found ourselves able to technologically pander to evolutionary impulses like personal energy conservation and value of high-energy calories.

          And different places abroad can have very different statistics–quite a few countries are *more* sedentary than the U.S. I’ll post an interesting WaPo article in followup, but what apparently the overall activity rate wasn’t as much tied to a country’s obesity rate as “activity inequality”–countries like Sweden, where low and high activity people had a more similar activity rate, had lower obesity rates than countries with higher differential.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          I wish this were the case here, not just for the added exercise but simply because it’s more pleasant to walk in nice weather than to be cooped up in a car all the damn time.

        3. The Chronic(ally Ill)*

          I wouldn’t call it “self-inflicted” laziness when car culture was literally developed by car companies who bought up and destroyed rail beds. It isn’t the fault of American people that public transit sucks– that’s on the lack of regulation of the auto industry.

      4. Parenthetically*

        Just like how some alcoholics use the “it’s a disease” thing to justify continuing to drink.

        It literally is a disease though? If you want to continue your unhealthy behaviors, you’re going to find any excuse to do so. That doesn’t mean that we start denying that alcoholism is a disease, or that the vast majority of weight loss attempts fail.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      If you’re focused on changing the shape of your body, you probably shouldn’t hang out on body acceptance blogs.

      And I don’t think these unspecified ways to lose or gain weight until you have the body you want, then maintain, are quite as simple as you seem to think.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I have been watching this for quite a while myself. I have wrestled with weight issues and probably for the rest of my life always watch how I react to food. I do not need to eat everything that looks appealing. I have to remind me of that.

      A friend said to me how does an overweight doctor tell a patient to lose weight? I dunno. As that patient, I know I myself would react poorly to be lectured, “do as I say not as I do”.
      Recently another friend went to the doctor and the doc said, “You are morbidly obese.” The friend made a face, “So I told the doc to quit calling me names.” Uh, that means you are going to die from this weight you are carrying… it’s not name calling, it’s a diagnosis.

      OTH, as that person who has wrestle with weight since age 17, I can say that I DO understand just how much goes into weight loss and a surprising amount of the effort has NOTHING or very little to do with food. I estimate that at least 60% of my problem did not involve food at all. I was shocked to find out how much emotions I had to process to keep myself moving along. But there were other things that I was ignoring for example, hours of sleep and hydration. If we don’t sleep then we eat, we have to get energy from somewhere. Sleeping or eating are the main choices. Often thirst masquerades as hunger. I had to train my brain to prioritize these things, drink more water, get the same amount of rest each day.

      I often think of my own father. His weight caused his organs to slow down, then stop entirely. This is an awful process. He died at 72, which is actually pretty young. I grieved how hard life was for him just as much as I grieved losing him. While I can and do understand the complexity of his setting, my sorrow remained very much intact.

      I got the weight off and, honestly, maintaining the current weight is less rewarding. For whatever reason, my sense of accomplishment does not kick in very well when I think about how many years I have kept my weight down. So I also understand that once a person loses the weight there is another battle to stay motivated to keep it off. It took me 20 years to lose the excess weight I had at 17. I have kept it off for 21 years now. I can STILL eat an entire box of cookies in one sitting. But I am better at resisting it. (No, I do not look like a model. People tell me I am an average looking person. I think that is accurate.)

      We can love our bodies no matter what and still take care of ourselves.

    8. ATX Language Learner*

      OP – I feel the same way. Shaming is awful but supporting a culture that has changed to the point where being fat/obese is okay and actually supported is something I don’t agree with.

      Honestly I think you’re brave for posting this :) I’ve talked about this with my husband often but it’s hard with other people because we do take very good care of our bodies and many people assume that it’s genetics but I actually have some serious thyroid issues and my thyroid basically doesn’t function. I have to eat super clean, watch my portions, and work out 4-5 times a week for be to maintain the physique that makes me happy.

      From my experience, people are very naive about how to be healthy/lean and cannot find what works for them. I have made many meal and exercise plans for friends (one of my friends even lost 50 lbs!) and it’s crazy the types of questions I get. The most common problems people have are: 1) eating out, you never know what’s in your food 2) portion control, we eat too effing much and if you don’t weigh out your food, you never know how much you’re consuming. You can eat healthy all day long but if you eat too much, you will be heavy. 3) hidden sugars in things like salad dressings/yogurt/granola/sauces/cocktails (cocktails are TERRIBLE! you drink 2-3 margaritas or froses and you’re adding an extra 30-50 grams of sugar).

      Another thing I have found is that people love that immediate satisfaction feeling and food is one way to get it. Reaching a fitness goal or any type of goal takes a lot of time and effort and produces long term happiness which we just don’t have the patience for. We love that immediate gratification.

      1. matcha123*

        I have a friend who has some thyroid issues and she told me about how hard she works at keeping everything in check. She gets out and hikes and does things to stay on her feet. I really admire her work and dedication.
        Very true about people wanting immediate gratification.

      2. Amber Rose*

        See, this. I hate this. Because you were doing so well, and then you talk about clean eating (doesn’t really matter or have anything to do with weight loss) and seem to have bought into the “sugar is EVIL” BS, and constant exercise which also doesn’t matter. None of that matters. And if you want proof, Google the Twinkie Diet.

        These things work FOR YOU. If you want to say clean eating and dodging sugar and exercise works for you, great. That doesn’t make it THE SOLUTION.

        The other side of that is you talk about portion control like it’s so easy. Its HARD GODDAMN WORK. I’ve been at it 40 days and sometimes I can’t even cook because of all the crying and exhaustion. Eating disorders, food addiction, mental health issues, physical health issues… all of these are factors. Wanting instant gratification is not a friggin crime, it’s a symptom of a world where the only way to somehow offset the crushing misery of reality is sometimes a big mac with a couple margaritas. A small rush of dopamine so I don’t spend my entire day weeping.

        I’m happy for you if those things are less burdensome for you or if you found the thing sustainable for you. But you are one tiny data point in a 4 billion point scatter plot. It’s so arrogant to dismiss other people’s struggles as “having no patience.” Its also ignorant.

        1. matcha123*

          I don’t think she was dismissing other people’s struggles. She wrote that it was work and she was annoyed that people ASSUME that she’s thinner because she doesn’t work.
          I don’t have food issues. I don’t care about food, I don’t think about food. I’ve gone for almost a whole day without eating or drinking because it’s not even on my mind. I’ve also gone a almost a whole day without eating because I didn’t have money for food.

          I do however have issues with money and have to work hard to keep my spending in check. I recognize the times when I am more apt to want to spend money and take steps to remind myself to stay on track. I’ve cried over money. And no, not everything is a one-size-fits-all, but if one person’s solution doesn’t work for you, move on to trying something else until it sticks. It is hard. It is frustrating. There are setbacks. There’s anger. But, at least in my case, working hard to set aside money, even a little pathetic bit today, is better than waiting another year or two or twenty. I’m already way behind my peers in savings and giving up isn’t going to put money in my pocket.

          If gaining control of your weight in a way that feels comfortable to you is your goal, look into the things that you can deal with.

        2. ATX Language Learner*

          Wow yea Amber Rose your anger is misguided. It’s very hard work and a constant struggle but I’ve been doing it for years so it’s become part of my life.

          1. Amber Rose*

            And other people are just starting and feeling overwhelmed. Which you dismissed as impatience and wanting instant gratification.

            Just because you put in the work and know its work doesn’t mean what you said wasn’t dismissive and rude.

            1. Thursday Next*

              I—gently—suggest that you’re reading this comment as addressing you directly, which it is not. ATX used “we” in commenting about our collective human preference for immediate over delayed gratification. I didn’t see anything dismissive about other people’s struggles. And I am someone who certainly struggles.

            2. ATX Language Learner*

              I said it was a common issue and outlining that to people has actually helped a lot of my friends who have struggled with weight problems change the way they think. I wasn’t dismissing anything. Food IS instant gratification.

    9. Not Alison*

      I totally agree with you and wasn’t going to comment, but after reading the comments by folks trying to drown out what you have to say I feel compelled to comment. Of course it is not “PC” to agree with you (and I’ve had my own issues with weight control), but it is always more healthy to not be overweight in the absence of any nonrelated health issues.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Or if something does happen, you sometimes you can be in better position to deal with it than if you have excess weight. I have seen this one also as the body can fight back easier.

        1. Mari M*

          Not So NewReader, out of the three of us in the household who were hit with norovirus, I was the thinnest. I also had the worst time recovering — being at a low normal BMI at the time, I ended up having less of everything to spare, so I was stuck in bed days longer than the others.

          When all three of us got respiratory infections of some sort in the aftermath, my mother kicked her pneumonia quickly, my father’s bronchitis made him cough til he puked but he was still pretty active, and my sinuses put me straight back to bed.

          Both of my parents are overweight. I am now back to underweight. God help me if I get sick again. But they will be fine.

          1. Thursday Next*

            This is actually consistent with what NSNR is saying: there are health impacts of being underweight as well as impacts of being overweight. Different conditions might trigger these impacts, but I believe research shows that neither extreme is optimal.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Yep. I have had a time in my life where I lost a lot of weight and I could not gain weight. It was terrifying scary. From that I learned that I would rather see a person carry some extra pounds than hear a person say, “I can’t seem to gain weight.” Of the two, the latter seems far worse to me.

              I was eating approximately 4000 calories a day and losing five pounds per week. My jaw hurt from chewing. I cried myself to sleep at night because I was still hungry.

              1. The Chronic(ally Ill)*

                Can I ask what was causing this? I’ve always struggled with weight gain, but I have cystic fibrosis and extreme difficulty gaining and maintaining weight pretty common with us.

        2. blackcat*

          +1
          I am tiny, and am healthiest at about 20lbs more than I currently weigh (105 vs 125). I feel best, recover from illnesses more easily, etc, when I weigh more.
          What is frustrating is that, when I’ve sought medical help for trying to gain/maintain a higher weight, all I’ve gotten are strange looks from doctors congratulating me on being thing.
          I AM NOT HEALTHY!!
          The thin=health attitude is really, really damaging for a wide range of people.

      2. Amber Rose*

        No? There are plenty of skinny “obese” people and a bunch of 500 pound sumo wrestlers with hearts like tanks that are proving you wrong right now. What science are you using here?

        1. Maya Elena*

          Sumo wrestlers are a very narrow population and, while an exception, do not on their own nullify the legitimacy of the advice.

          The existence of “skinny-obese” people, or any other non-overweight people with metabolic issues (e.g., diabetics, PCOS) are not an argument against excessive weight as a risk factor for these issues — anymore than non-smokers with lung cancer are an argument against cigarettes causing lung cancer.

          As it is, being overweight, and in particular obese, increases one’s chances of diabetes, pregnancy complications, cardiac issues, and physical burden on the body – particularly knees. I think a claim that these are all due to the psychological stress from social shame, rather than the direct effects of weight on body function, have the burden of scientific proof on them, not vice-versa.

          1. matcha123*

            Sumo wrestlers also eat a very strict diet. The food they eat to ‘fatten up’ is called chanko-nabe. It’s filled with chicken, pork, miso, mushrooms, carrots and a bunch of other veggies. They cook for themselves and aside from cleaning their living quarters and exercise hall, they do community activities, and their training makes them quite flexible.
            It’s a bit different from Joe who drives a car to and from work, and is largely immobile…while also eating a lot of fried or greasy foods.

          2. Amber Rose*

            Nevertheless, the point is that size isn’t always an indicator of health.

            Some fat people eat like shit and are solid muscle underneath because they weight lift. You can never out-exercise a bad diet, but you can end up with layers of fat over thick muscles.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        As a math person, it drives me right round the bend when people reason “Take the population of low BMI people, remove all the sick people, and compare that the high BMI population–the former is healthier!” Well of course they are: you took all the sick people out of the sample. You could get the same results by comparing the healthy residents of South Dakota to all the residents of North Dakota, and conclude that apparently proximity to Mount Rushmore confers health benefits.

    10. LibbyG*

      What I really appreciate about body positivity movement is the “I do not apologize for my body” spirit of it. No one should apologize for being fat or old or tall or short or failing to approximate conventional beauty or gender-nonconforming or ill or disabled or for having a body with needs. It helps all of us accept ourselves and each other just as we are.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, let’s just accept each other as we are. I’m overweight. I don’t want to be. Feeling shamed about it makes me want to go straight to the chocolate. So yeah, it’s something I try to keep in check and plan to work on more, but if I have to feel “not OK” until I’m at a better weight, that’s too bad because I’m not going to, and feeling like that would actively sabotage any efforts I make.

    11. gecko*

      Dude, take a break from tumblr or insta or whatever and stop hate-reading the body positivity tag. It’s making you go the other way into some poisonous stuff. I totally get looking at discourse on tumblr and getting fed up with it, but it seems like you’re getting entrenched in the discourse just by having a strong reaction to some branches of body positivity discussion.

      Because body positivity has always been about fatness, particularly under its more radical names–fat acceptance, fat activitism. You just missed it somehow! It got toned down somewhat under the “body positivity” name, but I didn’t realize it’d gotten so toned down that the core radical principles could be viewed as a left turn.

      One basic foundation of fat activism is that fat bodies are good, and that we have to change how ‘society’ (medicine, hiring managers, the media, people on the street) treats fat bodies, because right now it’s like dirt. It’s not actually very much about pressure from social media to look thin. It’s about how fat people are given significantly worse medical care than thin people, how fat people are a constant, easy target for jokes and ‘funny’ insults, how fat people experience significant discrimination in their jobs, how fat people do not have the privilege of moving around the world unselfconsciously.

      Whether it’s objectively healthier to be thin (as an aside, it’s not) is sort of beside the point. In your post and everywhere it’s brought up, health is used as a verrrrrry ineffective smoke screen for a feeling that it must be true that being thin is just better, and that fat is bad.

      Even after writing all that, I honestly don’t really know what your point was other than to rant about frustrating discourse and spit some of that poison into the comment section to start some arguments. I’m happy to talk about body positivity and point you to some resources, but there’s a slippery combination of ‘not enough’ and ‘too much’ to address in your post here, so if you have questions I can try to answer them.

      1. TL -*

        It is objectively healthier to not be obese the same way it’s objectively healthier not to smoke. Being at either extreme of the weight spectrum – under- or overweight – significantly increases risk of bad health outcomes.

        There is a broad range of weights in which most people will be healthy (including being overweight), and you can certainly be obese and do things to decrease your disease risk that don’t depend on weight loss, like eat healthy and exercise. But while thinness isn’t the be all end all of healthy, there is a large risk factor associated with being extremely fat or extremely skinny.

        1. gecko*

          Well, smoking is not at all like fatness: it’s an addictive action rather than a state of being, and its health risks have a bright, direct line from smoking to health effect. But it’s an illustrative comparison, because it carries a lot of baggage—but there’s no secondhand fatness like there’s secondhand smoke, fatness isn’t something you can just quit at any time (though it might be hard).

          But I do mean it when I say that the “is it healthy” question is beside the point. The point is: “is it healthy” is a question that’s not asked in good faith. In the US we have really strong cultural connections between health and morality. Food can be “good” and “pure” or “bad”, with immoral ingredients like sugar and fat and preservative.

          Measuring whether a fat body is good, or acceptable, or disgusting, by its “healthiness” is a flawed proposition. Having a body, and having a fat body, are not moral. Judging a body to be bad and disgusting based on its perceived health should not be acceptable. That’s what I mean when I say it’s a side note.

          There are many studies that show fatness is a health risk; there are many that use fatness (or, worse, the unscientific BMI measurement) as a correlative stand-in for the real cause of a health risk; there are studies that question how much of a health risk fatness is. It’s a scientific question, where the science is being biased by cultural disgust of fatness: it’s not a neat logical line of health is good, health is thin, thin is good.

          Fat activism says, let’s push back on the possibly flawed science that says health is thin—study it more and be more objective about it. It also says, health isn’t good: health is not morality, and an unhealthy person shouldn’t be an object of shame and disgust; and this applies to fatness because there’s such an equivalency drawn between fatness and ill health.

          Health is important to fat activism because it shouldn’t be another avenue to shame a fat person, and also because one of the most dangerous health effects of fatness is anti-fatness in healthcare. The objective health “value” of fatness is frankly a distraction and should be a sidenote, not the be-all and end-all of the discussion.

          1. Ali*

            Thank you for highlighting the problematic assumptions about health being in any way related to morality.

          2. Dan*

            Lots of things about statistics in medicine, especially BMI, drives me nuts. It’s bad stats to take averages about a population and then try to apply them to individuals. Period. They teach you that as an undergrad. It’s not complicated. It’s fine to use BMI to compare different populations, or compare populations over time, but it is definitely not fine to use BMI to describe individuals of a population.

            It’s my personal opinion, but I have zero desire to achieve any “BMI-defined” health outcomes. BMI definitions (such as overweight and obese) for my height are almost non-sensical.

          3. Grapey*

            “but there’s no secondhand fatness like there’s secondhand smoke”

            Bad eating habits (not only type of food, but using food as comfort instead of nourishment) often make their way from spouse to spouse, or parent to child.

            1. Grace*

              So do bad eating habits that are caused by fat-shaming in society.

              I know women who have been yo-yo dieting since the age of four or five, triggered by their mothers dieting or telling them not to eat too much – and they’ve almost all ended up overweight now, because that’s what yo-yo dieting does, but most of them have at some point been overweight whilst simultaneously battling the lure of anorexia and bulimia.

              I don’t know anyone who’s become fat because the body positivity movement has told them that it’s okay. I know multiple people who are constantly on the edge of an eating disorder because they were taught that being fat is the worst thing for a girl to be and that she needs to lose weight (or keep the weight off) in order to be seen as good/moral/acceptable/attractive.

              One of these things is very definitely the lesser of the two ‘evils’, even if you are someone who believes that the body positivity movement preaches something unacceptable.

        2. fposte*

          But–and I post this under your comment especially because this is the kind of thing that I think you and I both find interesting–the relevance of an individual doctor’s intervention here is a very different question from the health impact of different weight levels.

          And that made me curious, so I went on a quick search to see whether there were studies on where individual doctor’s interventions do and don’t make a difference. And I didn’t run into that, but I found a really interesting, albeit older (2004) article (it’s on the NIH site; I’ll link in followup) on behavioral interventions based on the levels: individual, community, and national. And the overall assessment is that individual and community interventions really didn’t have much effect; it was changes in public policy, taxation, etc. that really impacted our behavior. The article focuses mostly on cardiovascular health and its multiple risk factors, and I haven’t finished it yet so can’t swear to all of its conclusions and explorations. But it does suggest that the individual doctor’s intervention may not be that useful for averting and mitigating chronic problems, especially once you factor in the higher likelihood of somebody who goes to their doctor regularly having other favorable health factors.

          2. TL -*

            Oh, yeah that’s not surprising. I think it’s a hard line to walk, honestly. Obesity is definitely a population health issue best dealt with on a structural scale. But for a lot of the diseases/disorders associated with obesity, one of the best preventions or effective treatment is to lose the weight and/or to take on behaviors associated with weight loss – regular physical exercise or improved quality of diet.

            So doctors recommend eating healthier and exercising more and/or losing weight because it genuinely will help the patient – because other methods are usually management, rather than treatment – and there’s such a cultural tangle about it (both for doctor and patient). And there’s so much cultural tangling around it as well – like exercise’s benefits are separate from eating a healthy diet, which are both separate from weight loss, even though all three can interact together – that we tend to just put all of them as being successful if our bodies change more towards the media ideal, and it’s no use doing one unless you can achieve all three. But it’s the first line of recommendation for the doctors because it often is the best treatment for chronic, lifestyle-related diseases.

    12. Penny*

      I do agree that there are people who take ‘love your body any way it is’ too far. I’m not obese but I am overweight by 50-60 pounds. It’s not a huge amount but it’s definitely one I can see in the mirror. It’s also something I’ve talked with my doctor about because I have delicate bones that are prone to breaking and she said I’m carrying too much weight on my tiny frame.

      But I have one friend who I’ve had to stop making comments about weight loss around because she always immediately jumps in with ‘love yourself the way you are’. Even when I tried to explain that it’s a legitimate health concern by my doctor, she claims my doctor is just fat-shaming me and I’m perfect the way I am. In most other contexts, I’m really glad for her support, but my friend’s denial over my doctor’s diagnosis is so frustrating.

      1. ATX Language Learner*

        Wow yea I think that is probably the most frustrating part of this movement. Love yourself if you want or work on yourself and have goals if you want! Like you said, having extra weight can cause some serious problems.

      2. ket*

        The sentiment to love yourself isn’t wrong, though. You can want to lose weight, gain weight, stay the same, whatever — and you can still love yourself. You don’t need to wait to love yourself until you (have lost 20 lbs, run a marathon, gotten married, gotten a masters degree, started saving for retirement, moved to Los Angeles). Perhaps that’s something to bring up with your friend. Our culture does push the “love yourself when you’ve achieved X but until then hate away because it’s motivating”.

    14. Glomarization, Esq.*

      One antidote to the kind of extreme unhealthy messaging you’re talking about is the “Every D*mn Day Fitness” YouTube channel. Trainer there posts almost daily about exercise and fitness with frequent commentary on how “body positivity” has been co-opted from supporting people with disabilities or with bodies that are not conventionally beautiful, to harmful messaging regarding health at extreme weights.

      Anyway if you can tolerate salty language, he’s a quick listen most days and can help re-orient yourself toward a different attitude about body positivity.

      1. gecko*

        That sounds like scary rhetoric. It’s pretty natural that someone selling exercise and fitness content is interested in promoting disgust and hatred of fatness, but you’ve really gotta be wary about pounding that kind of evangelizing into your ears. “Some unconventional beauty is beautiful, but others are not” is no kind of positivity at all (and is pretty hateful).

    15. Parenthetically*

      95%+ of people who attempt to lose weight fail long term.

      65%+ of people who attempt to lose weight GAIN weight long term. The most common result of weight loss attempts is weight gain.

      1 in 4 teens who diet will develop an eating disorder. Eating disorders are among the most deadly mental illnesses, particularly for teen girls.

      BMI category-wise, underweight people are at far higher risk of poor health outcomes than overweight people. In fact, overweight people have the best overall health outcomes of all the BMI categories. Furthermore, multiple studies have demonstrated that much of the poor health outcomes that obese people have are related to the massive, constant discrimination fat people face within the health system — doctors refusing to treat them, or only addressing their weight rather than, you know, the symptoms they’re complaining about, etc.

      People who make health BEHAVIOR changes (because body size is not a behavior) within a weight neutral context have FAR better HEALTH outcomes than people who intentionally attempt to lose weight.

      These are all observable, studied scientific facts. Knowing these things, if it makes you uncomfortable that people in larger bodies are demanding to be treated with respect, and loving and caring for their bodies in front of you, I’d say the problem is YOU.

      2. BodyPositivityMovement*

        OP’s question isn’t geared towards not treating people with respect (they mentioned that of course people should treat everyone with respect no matter size or shape) it’s about the change in the body acceptance and loving yourself movement that has created people to be okay with being larger even if it comes with health risks. Do we want to support a culture where it’s not okay for doctors to tell patients that they have serious health risks because they are overweight?

        1. Parenthetically*

          Did you read my comment at all? It doesn’t seem like you read my comment at all.

          Behavioral changes have better health outcomes if they are in a weight-neutral context. Body size is not a behavior. In other words, if a person is fat and has high blood pressure, then the necessary dietary and exercise changes will have better results if the focus is NOT on losing weight (which is statistically most likely to result in weight GAIN). What body-acceptance activists are pushing for is recognizing these scientific realities. If doctors are genuinely concerned about the health of their fat patients, they MUST stop focusing on weight, because weight focus results in WORSE OUTCOMES.

            1. fposte*

              Do you have a research basis for that disagreement, though? If so, that’s an interesting thing to throw in. If it’s just a gut feeling about moral hazard, however, that’s unlikely to be genuinely predictive.

              1. fposte*

                BTW, I think that’s a decent question to ask of Parenthetically’s contention too–human behavior doesn’t always operate the way we think it ought to.

                1. Parenthetically*

                  I mean, I can point you to the studies, and there are a ton (link in reply). But I think you’re right that this is a complex issue with a lot of public policy stuff especially — the “obesity crisis” (shudder) interacts with food justice/access, public transit funding, access to medical care, all sorts of things. Individual efforts don’t make a dent.

                2. fposte*

                  @Parenthetically–personally, I was meaning more your comment about behavioral changes working in a weight-neutral context–I’m familiar with the general diets-don’t-work-findings. As I noted elsewhere, I’m interested if there are findings about individual interventions that do seem effective about much of anything behavioral.

                3. Parenthetically*

                  @fposte — sure, gotcha! Yes, that pesky human behavioral component! But it’s one of the reasons I think body positivity/fat positivity matters — if you make behavioral changes from a place of self-care, they’re more likely to stick than if you try to make them from a place of self-loathing or self-punishment.

                4. fposte*

                  @Parenthetically–I think that makes logical sense, but what I’m interested in is research that shows it actually plays out like that–so many things that make logical sense don’t actually. As witness the research I posted about elsewhere that indicates individual interventions by doctors hasn’t made much difference for cardiovascular health. Poor doctors.

                6. fposte*

                  @Parenthetically–yes, thank you! That looks very interesting. It makes me think of how means-neutral benefits, like the Finnish baby box is, can be more effective in a population than means-tested benefits.

            2. Parenthetically*

              You are free to disagree with science all you want, but science doesn’t actually care if you disagree.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            I agree with the idea that docs need to stop focusing on weight and start treating the whole person. Weight loss is not a magic bullet that cures all problems. Additionally, there are health issues that aid and accelerate weight GAIN.

            There are plenty of “sins” out there or things that people label as wrongs. The idea that a medical professional only sees the “sin” and not sees a fellow human being flies in the face of the goal of medicine. They are supposed to TAKE CARE of fellow human beings. If all a doc can see is fat, or drugs or alcohol abuse, then maybe it is time for that doc to move on to another career, because there is a person underneath whatever else is going on. We could put some effort into putting the “care” back into “health care”.

            I got stuck for a while in my weight loss campaign. I finally met a doc who saw a whole person, not just this overweight, junk food eating, soda consuming mammal. He saw a person who was in serious trouble and he started talking to me, “We can fix this, we can get you out of this…” By then I had so many symptoms I did not care about weight loss any more. And he never mentioned it. I started eating better, sleeping better and drinking my water. And the weight resumed coming off me. He said the weight was secondary. The help he gave motivated me because I was getting actual results with my other problems.

            Health care is a comprehensive thing that helps to boost quality of life. A singular focus such as weight or whatever is disturbing, as one would not expect trained people in a caring profession to be so narrow in their thinking. For our part, we the patients, could carry an expectation of more and better results from our systems than what we have now.

            1. The Chronic(ally Ill)*

              In my extensive experience with doctors, most of them are absolutely terrible at approaching health in a holistic manner. I’m glad you found one who understands that health involves your entire body, not just one symptom or system.

        2. Jaid*

          I think it’s more like for doctors to come from a position of kindness and understanding when doing so.

        3. fposte*

          I don’t think it has, so I think that’s a a straw man.

          More to the point, though, doctors have very little to offer adults on this front short of WLS. “You should go on a diet.” “Will it work?” “Almost certainly not, and there’s a reasonable chance it will make you fatter.” That’s not good medicine. And it has a reasonable chance of keeping a patient from coming to that doctor again for actual good medicine. The cultural stuff–the belief that this is somehow a personal failing and that if they would just gumption they’d be thin again–drowns out the fact that this isn’t how obesity works from a medical standpoint.

          The real intervention point is kids, because that’s behavior that can be addressed before the weight gets added. For instance, currently 80% of middle schools have soda machines, and nearly 100% of high schools do. There’s nothing good about that.

        4. anon cuz it's not published yet*

          Yeah, you gotta read the parent comment again. I’m doing pretty high-level data analysis on 15-year longitudinal food and psychological and demographic data and it’s all centered on the dieting paradox: you can easily see from the data that on a population level, dieting has worse health outcomes than not dieting.

      3. Ali*

        I love this 3000! Thank you for pushing back against the original comment’s not-at-all-veiled hostility towards fat people.

      4. TL -*

        Obesity also correlates strongly with risk for chronic diseases, though, particularly chronic diseases that are significant health problems in the USA.

        I can easily believe worse outcomes are at least partially due to medical bias and correlation with other factors (eg, race and socioeconomic status) that on their own impact health outcomes. And, yes, absolutely to your points on the data on weight loss and healthy habits being promoted in a weight neutral context. We as a culture need to separate being healthy and achieving the media ideal.
        But obese people are at elevated risk for a lot of diseases and we can pretend like the weight isn’t as big a risk as it is, we can shame people uselessly, or we can promote behaviors that lower risk separate from weight (exercise and healthy eating, which the USA isn’t great at) in adults and reduce obesity rates in children.

        1. fposte*

          Do you think body positivity makes any of that less likely, though? And how do you weigh the benefit (assuming it has one, which I don’t know if there’s support for) of body positivity against the risks, especially without wrapping in the specious argument of moral hazard?

          1. TL -*

            There is a small but vocal part of the fat activism/body positivity movement that vehemently denies the connection between body size and health risks and that concerns me.
            But in the every size is beautiful, body size is not a reflection of morality, and you can make healthy choices at any size definition – which is the majority of the movement – I am 100% supportive.

        3. Parenthetically*

          “we can promote behaviors that lower risk separate from weight”

          This is exactly what I’m talking about doing, though? Rather than promoting weight loss without regard for healthy behaviors, which is what the entire weight loss industry and a lot of the medical establishment does — as in diet pills, surgeries, etc. I’ve been getting ads on Hulu lately for some kind of drug that’s supposed be a cure-all for “obesity” and the people they have as examples are folks who are active and eating nutritious food, and still fat, and it makes me want to scream. Does it not occur to anyone that it’s actually okay to have a naturally higher weight set-point?

          1. TL -*

            You can seperate out different risk factors (weight, exercise, diet) and talk about them individually, but that doesn’t mean the other risk factors are cancelled out. Think of someone who eats a well-balanced vegetarian diet, works out 3-4 times a week, and smokes. The diet and exercise doesn’t ‘cancel out’ the risk of smoking, but they still have significant health benefits. The smoking just has significant health risks, too.

            Same with obesity – being obese doesn’t mean you don’t reap health benefits of not smoking, eating a healthy diet, and staying active, but those also won’t cancel out all the risks of being obese. Just like the smoker, you’d be reaping some amazing health benefits from your diet and exercise while also having a set of health risks unique to being obese.

            In our cultural consciousness, diet, weight, and exercise are all entangled because we reduce them all to calories. We either think there’s no point in (striving for) a healthy diet if you can’t exercise, and no point in doing either if you’re not losing weight OR that we can be fine by doing one part really, really well and ignoring the other parts – e.g., being skinny with a terrible diet and sedentary lifestyle or working out 3 hours a day so you eat whatever you want.

            In reality, while they do have additive effects, they also all have unique and individual effects on health. You can’t ‘healthy eat’ away the negative effects of a sedentary lifestyle – but neither is exercise’s benefits cancelled out by a post-gym muffin or failing to lose weight. Obesity has risk factors separate from healthy eating and exercise, but also in no way does failing to lose weight or being heavy cancel out the benefits of eating healthfully and exercising.
            And I think, while the FA/body positive/HAES movements come closer to this nuance than diet culture (currently the main alternative), there’s still not a lot that gets down to that nuance when talking about a healthy lifestyle and lifestyle-related risks.

      7. Washi*

        Thank you! If shame and dieting were all it takes to not be fat, no one in America would be fat anymore. Companies profit off of people by selling them all these products and programs, then getting them to blame themselves when it doesn’t work so that they’ll spend more money to try again.

        I have learned languages, run half marathons, done difficult jobs, worked on overcoming my anxiety, done all of these mentally difficult things. And nothing compares to the mental strain of the times I tried to lose even a small amount of weight. It took over my brain and my life in a way I can’t even begin to describe. I am 100% happier and healthier knowing I will never diet again.

    16. Forestdweller*

      Of course, I can’t speak specifically to the blogs/social media personalities you are following as I don’t have any clue about the nuances of their messages, but in my experience, I haven’t seen a lot of the body-positive crowd ENCOURAGING people to be overweight; rather the message is that being overweight in and of itself does not require you to hate yourself or be obsessed with changing your body. It is absolutely factual that carrying too much or too little weight has increased risks, and I don’t see even the most body-positive people saying otherwise. What they are saying is that you can be overweight and in better health than another person who is skinny (which is true). Previous posters have already pointed out that there is little research indicating that significant weight-loss can be maintained, and that yo-yo dieting raises the set point, and I do think those facts can be quite liberating for people who have been told their whole lives that if they could just be better, they wouldn’t be fat.

      Body-positive mindsets do say that being fat should not mean that you are held to different standards of dress (like the chubby girl in leggings who gets dress coded at school while a slimmer peer saunters by in leggings with no repercussions). I’ve been very skinny and I’ve also tipped the scales at 200 lbs (5’2” tall); I can absolutely confirm that during the times when I was thin, I was treated better by strangers, coworkers, and doctors. When I was thin, no one ever asked about whether or not I was making healthy choices, even though I wasn’t. When I was fat, lots of people felt empowered to probe about my health, as if me being heavy made my health status public information. I just don’t think it’s reason able to interpret “You shouldn’t be treated differently or made to feel bad because you are fat” as an encouragement for people to be overweight. I love seeing people who are comfortable in their bodies as is, and I also love seeing people who wanted to make big changes and did it. Both outlooks are valid. If you’re honestly seeing posts like “How to go from obese to morbidly obese in 5 easy steps!” or “Heart disease is a big ol’ lie!” maybe you could justify being frustrated with those specific posts, but otherwise, it seems like you’ve gotten really worked up over people refusing to structure their lives around how to be more socially acceptable.

    17. Anonymous Educator*

      Please listen to the You’re Wrong About podcast episode on “The Obesity Epidemic.”

    18. Llellayena*

      I think what people misinterpret about body positivity is the difference between “fat” and unhealthy. Fat has many interpretations that focus on appearance, and this is what body positivity is trying to address. Someone who is large boned, naturally carries a lot of weight (either muscle or fat), or has a medical condition that limits the ability to lose weight should be able to feel beautiful. Someone who is at an unhealthy weight (medically obese) should work on losing that weight TO BE HEALTHY, but should also be allowed to feel beautiful while they are working toward a healthy weight. Losing weight can take years and can be thrown off course by appearance-based depression. So if you’re positive about your appearance, you’re more likely to want to be HEALTHY, and therefore more likely to stay on track losing the weight.

    19. Madge*

      The thing is, there are so few people interpreting HAES and the body positivity movement as “I can get as fat as I want with no consequences” and so, so, so many more people who want to love the body they have right now, and be treated as a capable and worthy human being. Period. My toothache may be cause by overindulging with ice cream or because bad teeth run in my family, but it still hurts and still needs treatment that doesn’t include or stop at a weight loss plan. An individual’s weight goes far beyond their own actions to their epigenetics, and income, and mental health, and medical conditions, and family history, and culture, and, and, and. It really is not entirely my fault I’m the size I am. And my sibling is not a better and more virtuous person because they run and maintain a slimmer figure. And why can’t we all be able to dress our bodies in attractive clothes that fit well? Why isn’t this a problem?

      1. Washi*

        Yes, the “let’s all get fatter and fatter” feels lime a straw man because who is saying that? Even the most serious fat activists are not going to try to get fatter and fatter because then you have to keep buying new clothes which is a pain.

        The other thing is that the HAES movement is big on access to exercise and vegetables, because those are things that make our bodies feel good. I’ve found this myself – after a few months of letting myself eat anything, my body genuinely craved veggies and movement. So the idea that if we all followed the HAES movement we would all be constantly expanding sedentary blobs is just not accurate.

        And even if these points didn’t convince someone, then I think the stats above about weight loss should. It rarely works. So which is better, trap fat people in a purposeless shame spiral or encourage people to love and take care of their bodies regardless of weight?

    20. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

      People have been talking about fat acceptance for decades–not just “it’s okay to be imperfect” but that obsessing about weight and weight loss can be actively unhealthy: not just because of eating disorders, but because it leads to medical neglect. Even if a person’s weight is a problem, we need medical professionals who will treat a broken ankle regardless of the patient’s weight. (That’s a specific example from a friend of mine: the doctor was too hung up on the idea that being fat was always a problem treat the injury, with or without blaming my friend for having been hurt.) There’s a reason that fat acceptance activists advise people to ask their doctors “how would you treat this injury/disease/symptom in a thin patient?”

      I assume you’re speaking in good faith when you talk about how much information is out there about changing your weight, i.e. that you believe the information in question is valid and actually usable. Why do you assume that people who disagree with you about the importance or even possibility of losing weight, or who have evidence that certain advice is counter-productive, can’t believe what they’re saying?

      And yes, I will claim virtue when I say things like “exercise is good for almost everyone, so gyms should welcome fat people, who should be able to buy exercise clothing that fits them now.” That’s part of Health at Any Size: if exercise is healthy, it should be available to everyone. If well-paid jobs require certain clothing styles, those styles should be available to fat as well as thin people, rather than excluding people from jobs they’re qualified for. If a fat man with high blood pressure is offered medication as well as being advised to exercise, a fat woman with high blood pressure should also be offered medication, not shamed for walking into the doctor’s office asking for help.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I’m healthy. I work out regularly. I am a size 14. I want to be treated as a person, not a clothing size, not a weight. I yo-yoed for a decade, and I weigh more than I did when I started. So yeah, gyms should welcome fat people, stores should sell us workout clothing (and regular clothing), doctors should treat our symptoms and not preach at us.

        And as I yelled at my MIL once for fat shaming my BIL, nobody ever ever needs to be told “you should lose weight”.

        1. BelleMorte*

          I agree, and I think there is a huge damned if you do, damned if you don’t perspective.

          When fatter people order salad they get shamed (good for you on working on your problem! – yes this has been said to me) , if they order a burger, they get shamed.

          If fatter people want to exercise, they go out walking or join a gym and get mocked by thinner (not necessarily fitter) people. That is assuming they can even find appropriate gym-wear. Finding a sports bra for size 46 I breasts is not possible by the way. If they don’t have appropriate gym-wear they get shamed.

          I lost 100 pounds and had still had quite a bit to go and people still felt the need to concern-troll me with “you really need to do something about that weight” when they had no idea how much weight I lost.

          Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

    21. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I see some really problematic/shaming comments here that I do not welcome in this space, and I’d love input from y’all about how you’d like to see me deal with that. I don’t feel great about removing long threads that include some really thoughtful and constructive comments, and I think it can be useful for people to read the pushback. At the same time, I don’t particularly want to be a space where crappy comments about other people are okay. Input welcome.

      1. fposte*

        I think the choices are to monitor/moderate the whole thread, continue to spot moderate, or put up a “this needs to stay civil and non-shaming” note on top of the subthread and then nuke the subthread if/when somebody posts something inflammatory nonetheless. They all sound like a lot of work, frankly. I’m guessing there’s no way to close an individual subthread to comments?

      2. Julia*

        Yeah… I definitely had to scroll through this thread ASAP. And my immediate thought was “this isn’t what I’m used to at AAM”. For the sake of your time Alison, I can see how removing the entire thread might be the most efficient way to deal with these kind of comments. But I do see the point of wanting to keep thoughtful comments. Is there any way you can move threads to the very bottom of the comment section? Or pin a reply comment from you that you recognize some of this is problematic? Wow I’m not really providing any sort of real response here.

      3. Jamies*

        There wasn’t anything problematic about Melodie’s post. Teaching people, especially young people, that their weight is totally beyond their control is an issue. Love your body shouldn’t equal you’re completely powerless to change your body.

        However more broadly if you want to reduce problematic posts the best way to go about it is probably to add words you commonly see in shaming posts to the list of words that cause posts to go to moderation. Unfortunately it’ll create a lot more work and moderate a lot of posts that really shouldn’t be moderated but with the current commenting system and short getting some more moderators I don’t think there’s a solution that won’t create a lot more work. Well a solution other than leave as is.

        1. Parenthetically*

          We know that upwards of 95% of weight loss attempts fail. We know that the most common outcome to weight loss attempts is weight gain. We know that yoyo dieting is extremely harmful. Given those facts, what messaging is appropriate?

          “Love your body” means “care for your body regardless of what size it is.” It means “make choices that are holistically healthy — for your mind, body, and spirit — regardless of what impact it has on your weight.” It doesn’t mean “sit around and eat oreos and Dr. Pepper because you can’t do anything about your weight anyway.” It means “you may not be able to intentionally change the size of your body, but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless to change your life, your relationship with food, your relationship with exercise, your blood pressure or cholesterol, your mental health, your emotional intelligence, your boundaries.” It means “whether or not you LOOK THIN is not important by any measure, and the pursuit of that thinness could be destroying your overall health, so instead, learn to be content with your body as it is and to care for it well, rather than fighting against it.”

          1. Grace*

            All of this. Just saying. All of the above.

            I know so many people who, even though they know that yoyo dieting doesn’t work, still do it because they’ve been so strongly socialised to think that if you are overweight, you have to be doing something about it by dieting. Or, y’know, not dieting and instead just skipping meals, refusing to eat for three days at a time, lying to people about their food habits…

            Those things are all much more harmful than the message of “It’s okay to be fat, and working to become healthier doesn’t require shedding pounds and looking thinner.”

            1. Grace*

              FFS, screwed up my bold. Typing too quickly, and seeing just a little too much red…

          2. Jamies*

            Show me the data proving that 95% of weight loss attempts fail. Regardless have you considered a big reason weight loss attempts fail is because people are constantly being told they have no control over their weight and it’s hopeless to try to change?

            The messaging that’s appropriate is to love and respect yourself and others regardless of size. The messaging that’s inappropriate is our weight is completely beyond our control (speaking generally – I’ll grant there might be exceptions) , there’s no health issues associated with obesity (yes it’s possible to be healthy and obese but really not plausible in the long term particularly if we consider mobility when examining health), and/or that anyone pointing out legitimately dangerous messaging associated with the body positivity movement is just a bigot.

            An idea/movement can overall be good and/or have good intentions and still have issues that should be addressed and demonizing people who point out those issues shouldn’t be acceptable.

            2. staying anon*

              For academic sources, it’s also worth looking at work of Eric Stice and of Dianne Neumark-Sztainer (just two people who come to mind out of many). Both have work on how dieting can lead to disordered eating, from fasting and anorexia to binge disorders. Anorexia does lead to weight loss, but with a mortality rate of 10%, it’s a real public-health fail. Bingeing disorders usually lead to weight gain and correlate with increased depression. Again a public-health fail.

              One place to look for a systematic literature review that tries to differentiate between diets that lead to harm and diets that don’t is “Dietary restraint: what’s the harm? A review of the relationship between dietary restraint, weight trajectory and the development of eating pathology”.

              Basically, all the literature finds that weight and food need to be decoupled from messages about being “good enough”, “deserving”, “deserving of love”, etc. So HAES and body positivity are here for the win.

      4. rider on the storm*

        Tbh you’ve asked this before Alison. All the options are ones you don’t want to or can’t implement for whatever reason. Which is why you get this sort of thing (and all the other problematic comments on a weekly basis) and why I rarely comment anymore – but that won’t matter to you because you’ve said before that more people read than comment so… *shrug*

        1. fposte*

          I think Alison was asking about this particular subthread today, not the comments as a whole.

          1. rider on the storm*

            This subthread, however, could be seen in a wider context rather than in isolation.

            1. fposte*

              If you want, sure, but I still think it’s legit to ask for local solutions to this particular one, and Alison in fact implemented Julia’s thoughtful suggestions.

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                Yep.

                As far as the comments section as a whole, I’m fine with it. Some people really like it, and others don’t. That’s fine, and expected. No comment section will be every person’s cup of tea and it’s certainly better than most. This was a targeted question about how to handle a very specific thing that doesn’t come up that much.

                1. anon moose, anon mouse*

                  I actually disagree that this comment section is better than most. I’ve hesitated from writing in because the comments are so full of people going off on their “I have this personal experience/medical issue/I’m such a high performer” tangents that aren’t at all helpful to the LW or dissecting one word in a larger letter and focusing only on that. I gave up on asking for advice in the open threads because I realized I’d have to tell my whole life story so certain commenters didn’t jump to the worst conclusions, and I’ve definitely held back from sending in a letter because I know there are commenters who will clutch their pearls if I don’t spend hours wording the letter carefully.

                  Outside this site, there’s definitely a sense that while your advice to letters are good, the comments section is something to be avoided. I don’t think that’s a good thing.

                2. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  I agree with you about the annoyances (and have seen all the issues you mention) … but it’s a comment section. It’s full of anonymous strangers from different walks of life. It’s going to be messy sometimes. In my experience, it’s less messy than most (other than heavily moderated sites).

                  Obviously this is subjective and everyone will have their own opinion, but the comment section is regularly mentioned in outside coverage of the site as better than most, and there are tons of people here who really like it, so I don’t think that’s an outlandish take.

                3. Myrin*

                  Hi anon moose! For what it’s worth, while I personally do think that this comment section is way better than most you find on the internet (something we can certainly have different standards for! But like Alison, all outside mention I’ve ever seen of this site has been positive, so maybe we’re just frequenting different spheres), I also think that it’s become “worse” over time, in the way you describe in your comment.

                  But I’d also like to say that if you really feel like Alison could help you with an issue and you’d value her input, you can just write to her and not look into the comments at all! I understand that it can be tempting to look at them anyway and that you can become nervous when you see comment numbers rising without actually reading them, wondering if people are dissecting your letter, but I also feel like that’s still something you can force yourself to do (I’ve been there before).

                  And I also think that that’s why the issue isn’t more “concerning” to Alison (please do correct me if I’m wrong, though!) – she’s said before that the vast majority of site visitors as well as OPs don’t read the comment section at all anyway, so she doesn’t need to put as much time and energy into moderating as she’d have to if 90% of all visitors regularly interacted in the comments.

                4. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  I don’t see it as a significant problem that must be addressed. The site receives ~75 letters/day, far more than I can ever answer, so I don’t see evidence that it’s deterring people from writing in in significant numbers. Might some people be deterred from writing in? Absolutely! But I can’t make major decisions about how I manage the site based on small numbers; I need to look at large trends.

                  And frankly, no matter how I manage the site or its comment section, some people will be deterred from writing in. There’s no one ideal site that will draw everyone, and that’s fine. Different people like/dislike different things. Some people want me to do more X, others want me to do less X. Some people are appalled that I don’t intervene when I see Z, and others think intervention on Z would be too heavy-handed. Whatever the standard is that you have in your head for how the comment section should be run, there are just as many people, if not more, who want something different. There’s no way to run it in a way that will make everyone happy, so I run it in a way that works for the amount of time I’m able to invest.

                  The comment section also accounts for a tiny portion of overall readership; most people aren’t reading it. From a business standpoint and a time management standpoint, I can’t justify putting additional resources into it. Everyone won’t like it! That’s fine! It’s not the main point of the site, and if it’s not for you, the very best thing you can do is to find other places online that do give you what you want. (I don’t mean that in a snarky way at all.)

      5. BRR*

        Just thinking out loud here, you could remove the comment and leave the replies.

    22. StudentA*

      Hey Melodie. I am 80 pounds overweight and I don’t find anything problematic about your post. I agree with a lot of it. Fat-shaming in my opinion is, like, saying derogatory things to and about fat people. Fat-shaming is, “Why is she eating that; she’s fat.” Fat-shaming is not showing concern about someone’s health for being too fat or too skinny. The nonsense needs to stop.

      Honestly, it makes me a bit sick to see the posts attacking you. Says more about them than you. No where in your post did you attack anyone. To the contrary; it sounds like you’re attacking what you’re seeing as a dangerous trend.

      If it really was about “body acceptance,” why aren’t these (I’m not picking on anyone in particular, certainly not those on this board) movement followers sticking up for overly skinny people? It’s always the obese. Again, me being an unmistakable member of that group.

      1. Parenthetically*

        If it really was about “body acceptance,” why aren’t these (I’m not picking on anyone in particular, certainly not those on this board) movement followers sticking up for overly skinny people?

        They do, because people who are naturally very thin DO get abuse, but if you’re genuinely curious about why the “fat acceptance” side is more vocal, there are a few reasons. For one, it’s a lot more socially acceptable to be very thin or skinny in our society — thinness is seen as a virtue, even. A thin person being told to “eat a cheeseburger now and then” or that “men like women with curves” is absolutely part of the larger message that thinness is a result of self-control, which backfires MUCH harder against fat people because in our society fatness is absolutely equated with laziness (and even stupidity) — thinness simply is not. Very underweight people do have worse health outcomes than overweight people, but despite this, they do not experience systemic discrimination from doctors and other healthcare providers like fat people do. Fat people are literally dying because their doctors see them as “fat” first, rather than addressing their specific symptoms. I have fat friends who struggled with undiagnosed PCOS or endometriosis for YEARS, dealing with the crushing cycle of infertility, because their doctors refused even to run tests to TRY to determine the causes of their infertility, instead just telling them to “lose 50 pounds” and then come back. These problems have been shown to be systemic with fat people, and that simply isn’t the case with skinny people (who certainly can deservedly nonetheless be frustrated by people’s comments about their bodies).

        All bodies should be cared for regardless of size, and healthy behaviors promoted regardless of what those behaviors do to the size of people’s bodies.

      2. Amber Rose*

        But let me ask, who are you to show concern for my health? Do you have access to my medical records? Are you my doctor, my specialist, my therapist? Are you even my friend or family member?

        The answer is no, which means your so-called “concern” is just a pretty wrapping on a bucket of fat phobia.

        1. Parenthetically*

          A-freaking-men.

          Add to this that you reeeeally can’t tell ANYTHING important about a person’s health by looking at them, the fact that all fat people know they are fat, and the fact that, again, fcking body size is not a behavior.

          1. Aint Miss Behavin'*

            This is a false equivalency. Of COURSE you can glean important details about a person’s health by looking at them. Not based off of their weight, sure, but based off of other signs. Ask any paramedic. Nurse. ER doc.

        2. StudentA*

          If this is directed at me, then my answer will be just as harsh. How delusional must you be to think a stranger on the internet is personally invested in your health? I thought it was obvious from the context above that I would be referring to someone in the position to reasonably show concern. And I know of which I speak. I’ve had people close to me have that “talk” with me, and I have no illusions about the fact that I have a health problem. As long as they were kind and sensitive about it, I was accepting of it. Hell, one of them had a weight problem herself and didn’t want to see me go down the same road she did, i.e. morbidly obese.

          If only you knew how off track you are about me. I’ve done research about the issue way before this “trend”, decades even. Written papers, presented it in college with women’s studies faculty. Spent time in clinical environments with individuals diagnosed with anorexia, including young women who hadn’t eaten in days, BED, etc.

          Perhaps try to consider why you felt a need to stereotype / attack others in an effort to stand up for yourself or certain groups.

              1. Amber Rose*

                You’d be defensive too if you spent your whole life being called disgusting in the name of “concern.”

                The difference between us is you knew I misunderstood and instead of just pointing that out, you lashed out viciously.

                I’m sorry I misunderstood you but your attitude sucks.

              2. ATX Language Learner*

                +1 StudentA. Totally agree with you and see no defensiveness at all.

        3. Thursday Next*

          FWIW, I didn’t read StudentA’s point about showing concern to be directed at anyone on this thread in particular. I interpreted the person showing concern as someone who would be an individual’s doctor, therapist, or partner/loved one—someone with standing in an individual’s life.

          1. Amber Rose*

            Yeah, I see that now.

            “Expressing concern” is as bullshit as “thoughts and prayers” and arguably more harmful, so my hackles went up.

            1. TL -*

              Thoughts and prayers, particularly prayers, are meaningful sentiments to a lot of people. They’re certainly not bull or harmful to people of faith.

    23. Thursday Next*

      There’s so much packed into the original post and the comments on this thread—I wanted to focus on one aspect of the OP (which I think fposte mentioned in a response), and maybe add my 2 cents on discourse around weight.

      I think the messaging we send children, and the food options we make accessible to them, is *so important*. We need to make it easy for them to build healthy habits and harder to start unhealthy ones. (I think—hope—we all agree on soda as being an unhealthy default beverage choice for kids.) I don’t think food has moral value: there’s nothing “wrong” with Oreos. However, eating a dozen Oreos for breakfast is not the best nutritional start to a school day. We need to take care that our rhetoric reflects these nuances.

      I’m not sure if this is part of what Melodie was getting at, but I have struggled to find my personal needs reflected in the body positivity movement *as practiced by some vocal proponents*; in mainstream weight loss culture; or among eating/exercising extremists. On one hand, that’s okay! One (strand of a) movement can’t encompass everyone!

      However, I wish there were a space where I could process the simultaneous needs of accepting/not shaming myself as I am, and also losing weight. I definitely don’t see myself in those checkout magazines that tout “lose 40 lbs by Memorial Day!”; I don’t think about myself (or anyone else) as “bad” because of my weight. At the same time, I have very clear data on the connection between my weight and various health metrics, and *for me*, losing weight is an important goal. (For instance, my feet hurt less when I weighed less. My heart rate was lower; it took longer to feel out of breath.)

      I wish I could find a space to talk about stress eating, anxiety about maintaining weight and avoiding yo-yo ing, and the impact of chronic illness on weight. Yet it seems sometimes that people can only talk about eating patterns in terms of self-denial (“I really shouldn’t eat X”), virtue signaling (“I would never eat X; I only eat Y”), or incomprehension (“I don’t get why it’s so hard to eat ‘healthier.’ “)

      If there’s a good place to go to talk to other people with similar goals and outlooks, please let me know.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I would like this too. I’m not interested in shaming anyone else or telling them what to do with their bodies, nor do I want to hop on the commoditized diet train. I just want to develop healthy eating habits *for me* and have some support while I do it.

      2. fposte*

        Yeah, I think prevention in youth is really the name of the game here, and while we’re maybe a little better on that it’s not by a lot. And for all I mentioned soda machines, it’s really unpeeling a whole multiple-decade pattern of access, marketing, and behavior, not just focusing on a single point–it’s just that soda machines typify the ready availability and use that wasn’t a thing forty years ago. (I’m seeing sources that suggest sugar/corn syrup consumption went up approximately 50% from 1980-2010.)

        I just found a site with some really interesting infographics about youth and obesity, ranging from maps of state stats to info about sugar consumption. I’ll post a link in followup.

      3. OyHiOh*

        There’s a Facebook group called Eating the Food (ETF). It pretty much is exactly what the title says – eat food, enough to meet your energy demands, and as much variety as your body enjoys. Oh, and also move in a way that you find enjoyable. It is a space mercifully free of diet related spam, and lots of sensible talk about how nutrition and science actually work

      4. Amber Rose*

        There’s a website called My Fitness Pal. It’s got an associated app because it’s a calorie counting/weight tool, but the forums are pretty active and full of people who are strongly on the side of “eat whatever makes you happy.” I’ve learned a lot and found some solid support there in the 40ish days I’ve been using it.

        Maybe check it out.

      5. Falling Diphthong*

        While I don’t think soda is the default healthy choice for anyone, as a parent I get really frustrated when schools cut back on recess, cut back on gym, the town makes it harder to walk or bike (in terms of providing sidewalks and crosswalks) and then people look at the rising obesity rates in the kids and think “Aha! It must be that soda machine in the school basement! The only possible culprit.”

        Also, Americans–and perhaps people in general–have a brilliance for taking nutritional advice and doing it in a way that will be decried 10 years later. Eat carbs! Oops, not simple carbs. Fruit is healthy! Oops, now there’s a sea of fructose-sweetened cookies. Insist that for snack they have granola bars, not candy bars! Read the label–nutritionally the same.

      6. ket*

        On a personal level, I’ve enjoyed getting involved with the women’s strength training community. I’m not talking physique competitions here, I’m talking about the part of the community that’s just focused on how you’re making progress in getting stronger. Because it’s focused on functionality, it feels much better to me. Girls Gone Strong used to have some good stuff; not sure how active they still are. The kettlebell people, the Starting Strength people. Some of them can talk about weight just on that functional level.

    24. Lilysparrow*

      I don’t follow these hashtags because I am appalled with Instagram culture and most beauty or “health” (scare quotes deliberate) blogging in general. Particularly because there is a lot of harmful mythology being pushed that encourages disordered eating – both fixations on skinniness/restriction and fixations on totally unrestricted eating.

      I have a number of health conditions that both affect and are affected by the quality of my nutrition & exercise. They make it harder to lose weight, and they get worse by my carrying excess weight. It sucks.

      For me, body positivity means not allowing self-blame or self-shaming derail me from pursuing my health. I have to focus on the good things about my body, on wanting to feel good and be able to do things I want to do. Otherwise, I will start thinking “oh, who cares,” and give up.

      It also means modeling healthy behaviors and attitudes for my daughters as much as I can. I teach them how to cook and eat real, unprocessed foods from scratch (including desserts), how to eat variety, that exercise makes you feel good, etc. I go out of my way to avoid saying anything about dieting or weight loss or disliking they way I look. And I encourage them to make decisions about their clothes, hair, and appearance based on what they like and what’s fun, rather than what other people think.

      Guilt and shame can prompt a flurry of effort, but they can’t create a long healthy life – which is the goal. A long healthy life comes from appreciation, gratitude, calm realism, and care. That’s the type of body positivity I’m after.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I really like this comment. Your second and third paragraphs resonated with me.

        I’ve been taking a similar approach with my kids—neither food nor bodies are labeled “good” or “bad.” There’s never been any pressure for them to “clean their plates.” I never talk about myself negatively, even though my relationship to food has been fraught. (Mainly because my mother withheld food from me once I started puberty, which led me to have difficulty regulating consumption when I did have access to food. Obviously I am not doing this to my own children!)

      2. tangerineRose*

        “Guilt and shame can prompt a flurry of effort, but they can’t create a long healthy life – which is the goal.” This! +1000

    25. FD*

      I think there’s a lot of challenges with this in general, and weirdly both sides of the

      So, in general, shame tends to paralyze people. When a person feels ashamed of their weight, they’re much more likely to think something like, “I’m already so overweight, what does it matter if I [x]?” Moreover, shame often motivates people to try to make a sudden, way too radical behavioral change (e.g. try a crash diet, cut out all [x], etc.), which basically NEVER works. Ultimately, shaming people tends to simply end up making them feel powerless and unable to change their behavior.

      I do feel agree that some body positive messaging sometimes slides into (at least by implication) telling people that they have no control over their situation. Telling people they have no control over their weight has the potential to also cause people to feel that therefore they have no ability to change any of their behavior.

      The thing is, though, that on the balance, the former is substantially more likely to be harmful. It doesn’t actually cause people to make sustainable behavioral change, and on top of it, it makes people feel crappy about themselves.

      I think one thing that body positive approaches do well is that they re-focus from the weight to the process of becoming healthier. If a person is simply focused on “Oh man, I weigh so much, I need to lose 60 lbs,” that goal is so big that chances are, they’re going to give up before they make it. But if a person is instead focused more on, “Hey, regardless of my weight, I can take [x] small steps to feel healthier,” they’re more likely to make a permanent behavioral change.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        If fat shaming worked, then the nation would now be a shining sea of six-pack abs.

        Apparently that’s not it.

    26. PX*

      So I think amongst the noise of how this was phrased are some interesting points. For me personally, I’m also in the UK, and I think you make a good point about what I guess I call ‘reactionary’ culture is having at a higher level. When Cancer Research UK (a very big and well known charity) ran a campaign highlighting the fact that after smoking, obesity is the next leading (preventable) cause of cancer – they were accused of fat-shaming people. Really?

      To me, there are various distinct aspects which are all lumped in the same bucket, and which ideally (in my mind) need separation:
      – Body positivity in the context of fighting for better representation in the media and pushing back against what the ‘correct’ body type is (think of men not striving for 6-packs, women being allowed to be various shapes and sizes, being allowed to have stretch-marks, scars, body hair etc)
      – Body positivity in the context of fighting the stigma larger people tend to face as a result of social/cultural norms (eg discrimination in the workplace, worse medical care etc)
      -Body positivity in the context of learning to know/accept the body you have, and more importantly – learn what works for you in order to be healthy.

      To me, those are all different issues, and ideally would not be lumped in the same hashtag.

      But I also agree with you that these days, in some circles, any suggestion that being overweight can increase/lead to health problems automatically equals cries of ‘fat shaming ‘ or ‘not being body positive’. But I’d say thats just the internet in general. There are good and bad bits. So maybe its time to find some different bits?

      1. Lilysparrow*

        Yes, I have had people dismiss my valid health concerns about myself as “not body positive” or “fat-shaming”.

        Well, those Internet strangers don’t know any more about my medical history or risk factors than the concern trolls do for healthy people of larger sizes.

        My excess weight is harming me. It is increasing my health risks. I can see and feel it happening. My doctor can measure it in my test results.

        High BMI isn’t automatically a sign of worse health than people with low BMI. But to deny that there’s any relationship at all, or that weight change can be a useful metric for tracking the effectiveness of behavior change, is simply irrational.

    27. Rebecca*

      Nesting the comment where it belongs, hopefully!!

      I’d like to make a comment – as a person who has always been on the large side since childhood. I’ll never be thin. I could maybe get into a size 14 or 16 if I starved myself for months on end, but it wouldn’t work and I’d be right back where I am now, plus some. I’ve tried. I’m in the USA, wear size 1X or 20W, depending on the brand, 5’8″, and of course I am obese, my BMI is too high, etc. I have a truly large frame, large size 12 feet, hands, thick bone structure, my wrist at the bony part is 7 3/4″, and it’s nearly impossible for me to find a bracelet. My ring finger takes a size 11 ring. I know this, no one needs to point it out. I have had pain issues over the past year that have kept me off my bike, but I walk 10K steps per day plus (I strive for 15K), despite having an office job. So I am a big person and I will never be thin. I’d love to be as “fat” as I was in high school or college when I wore a size 16 or 18.

      Thankfully, my medical tests are all OK, no heart problems, no problems with blood sugar, etc. But I am automatically looked at as unhealthy. If you showed a picture of me standing with my coworkers who smoke, drink, never exercise, and eat junk food, but they weigh less than me, you’d pick me out as the obvious unhealthy person, even though I take sick days just to get the time off, not because I’m sick.

      I just got done reading “In Defense of Food” and it made a lot of good points about how science has fiddled with our food, made a lot of it into food like substances, and here we are – rampant obesity, type II diabetes, etc. I’m trying to eat more real food vs processed food, and right now I’m about 80/20 to that goal. I started a prescription anti inflammatory drug 3 weeks ago, and I’m able to walk more without pain and hope to get back on my bike. I’m hoping to reduce my overall weight and increase my health at the same time. And I go by how my clothes fit, not necessarily the scale itself, because I’ve already been in that place where my pants are literally falling down but the scale says I gained 5 lbs. No thanks.

      I’d also like to say I’ve put up with “the look” my entire life – at restaurants if I dare get dessert, or if I get up to get a second helping at a buffet, and comments from my short tiny mother, who has never failed to try to encourage me to lose weight by making comments about my eating habits and how they will catch up with me someday and I’ll be sorry. I can tell you fat shaming doesn’t work, it’s not helpful, people know they are overweight. I doubt there are very many people who would tell you “I was overweight until a stranger at a restaurant snickered at me as I walked by and made a mooing sound, so I lost weight and kept it off”.

      Another issue is unsolicited medical advice from strangers. I would never dream of telling someone on the street “your nose is too big, you should have rhinoplasty and get that fixed”. But I met a man while out for a walk last Summer who, within 5 minutes of striking up a conversation, started telling me how I could lose weight and feel better by fasting. I was stunned, but not really, as many people seem to think it’s OK to give advice to an overweight person for [reasons]. I was so glad I could get away – he was on a bike, I was walking, so I took a non-bike friendly detour. Ugh.

      I just wish people wouldn’t feel so free to make comments to complete strangers about weight issues, just like many people don’t comment on hair style, hair color, facial features, shoe choice, etc.

      1. blackcat*

        “Thankfully, my medical tests are all OK, no heart problems, no problems with blood sugar, etc. But I am automatically looked at as unhealthy. If you showed a picture of me standing with my coworkers who smoke, drink, never exercise, and eat junk food, but they weigh less than me, you’d pick me out as the obvious unhealthy person, even though I take sick days just to get the time off, not because I’m sick.”

        Yes, yes, yes. And even doctors do this. I am a very thin person who struggles to gain weight. I am hypotensive and can have bouts of hypoglycemia. I think there’s actually something wrong with me. But because I am not technically “underweight” (right on the line though), no doctor will view my weight as a part of a larger problem. The hypotension? “Great, you’ll give longer!” Uh, not if I pass out at an inopportune moment and crack my skull.

        Doctors who focus on numbers only, particularly weight, miss so, so much. I miss my old orthopedist, who always had me give goals in terms of fitness. “In an ideal world, what would you like to be able to do? Run a 5k? 10k? A marathon? Lift 50lbs? 100? Run a mile in 9 minutes? 7?”

        1. Parenthetically*

          I miss my old orthopedist, who always had me give goals in terms of fitness. “In an ideal world, what would you like to be able to do? Run a 5k? 10k? A marathon? Lift 50lbs? 100? Run a mile in 9 minutes? 7?”

          Yes! My doctor was thrilled to discover that I eat well, move my body, and let the number sort itself out, and it made me SO glad we chose his practice.

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