the swingers, the fist fight, and other stories of holiday chaos

by Alison Green on December 25, 2019

Earlier this month, I asked you to share your funniest office holiday stories. Here are eight of my favorites … in addition to, obviously, the greatest office holiday party story of all time. (Note: Some of these are mildly NSFW.)

1. The laps

“First proper job, aged 18, in the UK where the drinking age is 18. A few dozen staff live on site, and have a *very* drunken party on the last Saturday night before Christmas, knowing that nobody has to stagger more than a couple of hundred yards home.

I sat with my close coworker whom we’ll call Laurel, sharing a bottle of wine she’d grabbed, sitting on dining chairs at a table, discussing whether or not I should be encouraging the attentions of a department head (not my boss) whom we’ll call Ash, eventually concluding that 30 is generally not a good match for 18.

I was one of the first to leave, at the point where I realised the carpet appeared vertical and one of the walls horizontal. Yes, I had fallen flat and not noticed. I went home, slept long and well, and woke bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

So far so harmless, yes? Only:

(1) it wasn’t wine but port (double the alcohol percentage)

(2) it wasn’t a cheap party bottle but a special vintage her boss had been saving

(3) they weren’t dining chairs but laps

(4) the laps belonged to Ash and a comparably senior colleague, both laughing their heads off

I didn’t find out any of 1-4 until a couple of weeks into January, at the first work night out of the new year. You know that shot in a film where the entire background suddenly zooms leaving the protagonist isolated in the centre? It was JUST like that.”

2. The swingers

“In my mid-20s, I worked in a fairly conservative accounting department (think government contractor engineering firm) but we had a couple of strange characters. I’d been warned about one mid-50s accounts payable lady, that she was ‘Very Social.’ She wasn’t popular in the department, but was nice enough at work, so I didn’t think anything of it.

Being the youngest and lowest rank in the department, my husband and I were seated at the ‘accounting outcasts’ table, which included Very Social and her husband. The whole party was super-swanky. Very Social and her husband were good company, complimentary, and didn’t ping ANY of my warning systems…

…right up until she learned that my husband was a welder. Then she let out a delighted squeal and asked him to build her custom steel people-sized cages, with brackets for harness hooks. She also let us know they were VERY interested in having us over try out their other “equipment” for additional Christmas Merriment.

That Christmas I learned ‘Very Social’ = Unabashedly Enthusiastic Swingers into BDSM.”

This follow-up added further details:

“We turned her down, and she was still very nice. She even hand-quilted a baby blanket for my second child.

Data entry, people cages, nipple clamps, hand-embroidered baby quilts. She was very well-rounded for an accountant.”

3. The fist fight

“We had an office fist fight over some particularly smelly cheese.

Not so much a holiday story so much as the aftermath. During my first year as a PhD student, we had a little office party just before we all left for Christmas and someone brought in some very nice cheese and crackers. Unfortunately, it was a pretty ripe cheese to start with and it got left in the office fridge over the break. Come the new year and the day we’re all due back, Bob is the first to arrive in the morning. He opens the fridge to find the festering (and presumably by now sentient) remains of the cheese and takes it out intending to dispose of it. Before he can remove it to a safe location, the phone rings. Bob answers the phone, leaving the cheese on Jim’s desk which is next to the phone. Jim is the next to arrive and is greeted by a horrific smell, and the sight of the cheese from the black lagoon sitting on his desk. Chaos erupts and the accusations start to fly.

By the time I arrived, I could both smell the cheese and hear the shouting from the end of the corridor. I entered just in time to see Jim punch Bob on the arm and then storm out of the office. Bob stormed out not long after and after I finally disposed of the cheese in the park (it was the nearest accessible outdoor bin), I spent the rest of the morning working alone in the office with all of the windows open. I don’t miss academia.”

4. The hard-driving nuns and priests

“I worked for a catholic school some years ago where the teaching and support staff consisted of priests, nuns and laypeople. We decided to do a white elephant exchange at the staff Christmas party. Since most of the group had taken a literal vow of poverty, the gifts had to be below $5 and re-gifting was strongly encouraged, just bring the item to the party fully wrapped. We drew numbers and picked gifts but you could ‘steal’ a gift if you had a higher number. There was one gift that was relatively big and the wrapping was very, very fancy so you know it was the most popular. We had nuns attempting to hide the gift with the skirts of their habits, priests making side deals on taking over the less popular mass times in exchange for the gift, it was hilarious to see how far they were willing to go to get this gift. It was all in good fun and no one devolved into tears over any of it. One of the older nuns ended up winning it and she did a victory lap around us holding it in the air. The gift ended up being a used pair of running shoes from one of the priests that was an avid runner. She did another victory lap wearing the shoes.”

5. The duet

“The organization I work for often holds its convention just a couple of weeks before Christmas, and several years ago, as part of the entertainment for the closing banquet, we had a quartet singing mostly Christmas songs. In the banquet room right next door, though, somebody was holding a very large and loud corporate Christmas party that included a very loud D.J. playing very loud music, none of it Christmassy, as far as I could tell.

And I do mean LOUD.

So this, I swear to God, is what it sounded like to those of us sitting closest to the wall that separated our sedate Christmas quartet performance from the very loud D.J. performance of ‘Brick House’ by the Commodores:
Quartet: ‘Oh, hooooooly niiiiight! The stars…’
DJ: ‘Owwww! She’s a brick…HOWWWWse, she’s mighty-mighty, just lettin’ it all hang out’
Quartet: ‘It is the niiiight of our dear savior’s…’
DJ: ‘Owwww! She’s a brick…HOWWWWWse, well put-together, everybody knows.’
Quartet: ‘A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for…’
DJ: ‘She’s a brick…HOWWWse, owwww, that lady stacked and that’s a fact…’

I love ‘Oh Holy Night,’ but come on, that was HILARIOUS.”

6. The sex toy

“A Christmas party I was at had a Secret Santa … and one of the ‘presents’ was a huge dildo which, as most attendees were utterly plastered, was thrown around and, eventually, somehow stuck to the ceiling and wouldn’t budge despite various things being thrown at it.

Most people thought this was OK, but it wasn’t as we had not hired the venue exclusively and families with children were present. So a colleague and I got a ladder and eventually pry the thing off the 13-foot-high ceiling.

All Christmas celebrations were banned for the remainder of the eight years I was on the project.”

In response to a question about why it stuck there:

“We found out when I got to the top of the ladder. The ceiling had evidently been painted recently with gloss paint and was not fully dry. It was just tacky enough to hold the dildo (I cannot believe I am writing sentences like this :)”

7. The doobies

“A few years ago my husband was working for large domain company… to remain nameless. They host large fancy blacktie indoor christmas parties each year with special, secret performers. Big name acts like Ludicris, Pitbull, Fall Out Boy, etc. There’s food and fun and then they invite out the surprise performer who sings an hour set.

A few years ago the surprise performer was Snoop Dog! FUN! We all went to the stage and were having a great time singing along to old hits in our blacktie suits and gowns. Then, well, you know how snoop dog is rather famous for a certain recreation? One that’s illegal in many states still? He obviously lit up on stage which we chuckled at but then he started to pass them out to the crowd. With the CEO right there. What to do?! A few people actually said, ‘Thanks Snoop but my boss is right there!’

Anyway, they now explicitly state in the contract no illegal substances on stage.”

8. The disaster(s)

“I work in a blue collar industry for a company that boasts many couples as well as parent/offspring connections and our Christmas parties are wild.

The first one I attended was on a boat in a town about an hour or two away from the work site and a bus was organised to pick everyone up and bring us home. The party started on the bus with a large group of people passing bottles around and getting that light predrinks buzz. We get onto the boat and as the cruise goes on, everyone is getting super wasted due to the open bar and very, very limited amounts of finger food. It’s also mid December so very very hot and while I mostly stuck to soft drinks, most people were drinking. Because we’re all trapped on this boat in the middle of river, we all get to see a couple of people threaten to fight the bar staff who cut them off and a coworker who was convinced that he could swim to the river bank and wanted to jump off the boat. The most awkward one, though, was between a newly appointed manager and the guy who thought he was a shoo-in for the job. She was emotionally apologising for getting it over him, saying over and over that she’d only interviewed for the experience and hadn’t thought she’d get it. His wife had a firm grip on his arm and was trying to reassure her there were no hard feelings. He is drunk af, bright red and seething but not about to try anything in front of his wife. (Dude did finally get a manager’s role, but was passed over about six more times and only got because they had no other applications, I currently work under him and he totally sucks.)

As if that all wasn’t bad enough, the cruise ends and we all pile back onto the bus home. One former coworker who was very much like a small yippy dog starts stirring up new manager’s husband (who also works at the company) and would have probably got his head punched in if another manager (who’s actually his stepmother) hadn’t sat on his lap(!) to physically restrain him. He and new manager get off the bus at the town before ours, stumbled almost home, and end up falling in a ditch (she had like a week off with a sprained ankle).

Meanwhile on the bus, everyone else is still drinking. The coworker who organised the party is showing everyone ‘two girls, one cup’ on his phone. (Note: If you don’t know it, your life will be better if you don’t google it. Very NSFW.) There’s a fight between another couple and the guy who wanted the managers role is passed out so some one draws a phallic object on his face.

As far as I’m aware no one was punished over the event, but the grand boss who’d attended made it clear that the next one needed to have a proper meal attached to it. We were also asked to not come back by the boat company.”

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{ 120 comments }

{ 120 comments… read them below }

  1. Anon Here*

    “It was just tacky enough to hold the dildo.”

    Fellow writers, your assignment for the day is to take that sentence – out of context – and run with it.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t want to say the decor was down right ugly, but it was just tacky enough to hold a dildo.

    4. 653-CXK*

      I was trying to avoid making cheap-ass rolls (and having Bob from accounting tell me it’s too expensive) so I made my own dough. I went to the store earlier that morning and they were having a sale on fresh dill, so I decided to make dill-and-lemon rolls. The only problem – there was no yeast. I like my dill-and-lemon rolls to be fluffy and have just enough tang, so I went through Google and discovered non-alcoholic beer was a good subsitute in a pinch – along with some baking powder. Putting the dill, the non-alcoholic beer and the dough together, I began to knead it. Then, I let it rise for about two hours. It was just tacky enough to hold the dill-dough until I could make it into rolls.

      Hopefully, the CFO won’t confront me on Wednesday, but if he does, I think it was because the dill-lemon rolls were an absolute hit – and he’s going to want the recipe.

      4. 653-CXK*

        Thank you all for your comments…for the record, it was the CEO (named Joaquin, who has a side gig as the magician Wakeen The Magnificent), and the only thing he wanted was (a) my dill-lemon roll recipe, and (b) that blue box that Alison puts up when comments get off topic (“can you get her to say, ‘Move on, y’all!’ so I can fit my rabbits into it?”).

        He also thanked me for saying NO to his bananacrackers assistant who tried to volunteer me into serving a meal – with nineteen others – to 50 guests, who turned out to be rogue llama groomers who destroyed teapots for a living. (From what I understand, she was fired and escorted out of the building when she mispronounced Joaquin’s name and said, ‘I don’t give a damn if it’s Mickey Mouse, that’s the way I pronounce it!'”)

  2. Creamsiclecati*

    “Data entry, people cages, nipple clamps, hand-embroidered baby quilts. She was very well-rounded for an accountant” might be the best 2 sentences I’ve ever read anywhere

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Put that together with cross-stitch kits for the above sentence “it was just tacky enough…” and we might have ourselves an AAM craft goods store.
          Other suggested sayings to render with needle and thread:
          Thou Shalt Not Poop in the Potted Plant
          Quack. Quack.
          Thank you for not bringing cheap-ass rolls!
          Do Not Urinate In the Dishes
          Update! Update!
          Please be kind.
          and my favorite, distilled from all the collective wisdom shared on this site:
          Look for the positive. Figure out how to make it happen (in small bits, if necessary). Take responsibility for your mistakes, and apologize, but don’t grovel.

          Holiday greetings to all, whatever you are or are not currently celebrating.

            1. Stormfeather*

              And just one large cross-stitched wall hanging in red lettering on beige background with stitched flowers and vines around it:

              “GUMPTION!”

    4. Alexandra Lynch*

      That is a pretty accurate description of several kinky people I know.
      And I would have gotten excited but quietly, and asked for a business card and did he take private welding commissions. You don’t bring that out in public to vanilla people. (roll eyes)

    1. CoveredInBees*

      That entire story was a complete delight. It is nice to get a story that is entertaining while everyone keeps their dignity (and their job!). The tacky dildo ceiling comes in a close second. The nun taking a victory lap in used running shoes put it over the top for me. In some offices there would have been yelling and sulking instead.

      2. Jedi Squirrel*

        One of my first jobs out of college was working in the religious education department of our local diocese. I worked with a lot of nuns and priests, and an 80-year-old monsignor who was one of the coolest, most laid back people I have ever known. Yep, some of them were as dowdy as you might expect, but most of them were a lot of fun.

        TL;DR — You haven’t partied until you’ve partied with drunk nuns.

        1. Uranus Wars*

          I worked at a catholic university for my first 5 years out of college. I definitely second your motion here.

        2. Chinook*

          A colliery I learned at university is that the best bar gatherings involve a group of priests living together when the head of the group pulls out the order’s credit card and announces “the next round is on God.” They even offered to let us women stay in a spare room of the men’s dorm if weren’t within walking distance of home.

          *Note – they were all university professors and their salaries were pooled to cover expenses, so the card wasn’t covere by charity.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I really loved that story. Picturing the nuns and priests bargaining is funny, but the nun doing a victory lap, is the best part.

  4. Kimmybear*

    Until I started reading AAM, I thought my old job was the only one with Christmas parties ending with fist fights. I’m kinda glad my current boss couldn’t find a time for the holiday party until January.

  5. Spidey Cents & Sensibility*

    So, there I was having heard “fancy dress” party, wearing a bubblegum pink sequined jumpsuit with clear lucite slides in a room full of black tie wearing, former potential employers…as I looked for my purse I realized I never brought one. Where to put my things? Why, the jumpsuit has pockets and it was just tacky enough to hold the dildo.

  7. Not So NewReader*

    Off topic. I understand if you delete it , Alison.

    I am missing the Christmas open thread. But I am thinking it’s a lot less moderation without it.
    Wishes of Peace to all.

    1. Ain't Miss Behavin'*

      Add me to the missers of the Christmas open thread. Wishes of peace back to you, NSNR. And to everyone.

      1. Skipper*

        Glad to know I wasn’t the only person who was slow on that draw – I thought maybe it was a British thing before I figured it out!

      2. Perpal*

        It took me a while to figure it out too, possibly because it’s hard for me to imagine confusing a lap with a dining room chair; but then I have never really gotten more than tipsy.
        Funny story in hindsight but would be hecka skeevy at the time!

    2. Swarley*

      Just want to confirm, laps, as in they were sitting on the laps of the department heads? I can’t even fathom doing that and not realizing it so I’m having a hard time accepting that it’s that simple.

      1. Blinx*

        Glad I wasn’t the only one that didn’t get it. I was about to look up “lap” furniture to see what they could have been sitting on.

  9. Troutwaxer*

    When it comes to sex Mrs. Troutwaxer and I like _____________, __________, and _____ ______ ______. But you don’t want me to fill in those blanks. And I don’t want you to fill in your blanks, especially at work. And that’s enough said about the Steel Cage People.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      No votes for the dueling songs: stanzas of a reverential hymn alternating with WOWZA! Hubba Hubba! and Va-va-va-Voom?

    3. London Lass*

      My mother does some volunteering for her local church and got a surprisingly expensive gift this year from the priest as a ‘thank-you’, which we have concluded was probably a re-gifted present from a parishioner. So this story is very apt today! Will be sharing with her shortly.

    6. Laura H.*

      I shared that one with a friend who’s our vocations (Religious life- priest, brother, sister) promoter at church, because sometimes, you’re reading something and thinking “X will get a kick out of this!”

      Friend loved it.

    1. Where’s the Orchestra?*

      Oh yes, the craziness never ends. “Now I’ve seen/heard it all” is definitely something of a curse because somebody will feel like they have to top it.

        1. Where’s the Orchestra?*

          Sadly with the current task at my job I get the hospital’s bland medical jargon description of what happened while the beer was being held.

          (And sometimes it just makes it so much more of a “what the – – ll were they thinking with” running thru my head while I process that hospital notification.)

  12. Anon with no name*

    That first one seems a bit disturbing… I feel like Ash and a comparably senior colleague were potentially taking advantage of the story teller and their coworker? Or at least enabling them to over drink something that was stronger than they thought?

    1. Jennifer Thneed*

      We don’t know that Ash & colleague knew what the story-teller was drinking, only that they were drinking something. And they were in the UK, which has a very drinky culture, especially at the holidays.

    2. Young Drinker - OP1*

      I’m the OP of that anecdote.

      I commented on the original party thread that I thought the employer probably should have had better guidelines. The colleague who is unnamed in this did pursue me (gently, and unsuccessfully) and later had a short relationship with one of the other 18yos. From this distance, I find that … icky, even though I don’t think there was any bad intent.

      For clarification, I don’t believe either man was remotely sober himself, so I have no idea if they knew what we were drinking, or how much, but I think it unlikely. I recognise now how very much worse the story could have ended.

      UK drinking culture is … all or nothing. The last Friday before Christmas is known as “Mad Friday” and police have to overstaff to cope with the fallout from work parties. Certainly nobody would have been keeping an eye on the 18yos there drinking.

      1. Violet Rose*

        I was going to say, this sounds like something that could happen at my old grad school (a large, well-established university in the UK with an *immense* alcohol budget), right down to the after-dinner port. Come to think of it, I think we also dared one of our friends to sit in the principal’s lap while wearing a freshly-unwrapped Christmas onesie after the Christmas formal dinner.

      2. Nanani*

        Oof. I’m glad you’re okay.

        Regardless of intent, that was not a funny or cute situation, though I’m glad you can laugh about it now. I hope the 30somethings who give 18 year olds drinks twice as strong as expected meet karmic punishment.

        1. Green great dragon*

          Maybe OP will confirm but it says close co-worker grabbed the bottle. I didn’t see anything to suggest the older guys encouraged them or provided drinks.

          1. Young Drinker - OP1*

            I’m pretty sure Laurel grabbed the bottle. I would be very surprised to learn otherwise.

        2. JSPA*

          where cultures are less tolerant of actual rape, rape-adjacent behavior, coercion and other crossing of hard boundaries, they can get away with being more tolerant of drunkenness, incidental contact, and squishier soft boundaries. As a result, what’s funny vs. what’s scary can “bin” differently in different contexts.

          1. Young Drinker - OP1*

            Also, funny v scary is easier to work out knowing what happened the whole of the rest of that year. I definitely recognise my luck.

            I am pleased to report that I have never mistaken a warm body for inanimate furniture again, and rarely ever drink nowadays (was last drunk in maybe 2006?).

    3. Nanani*

      THIS. Getting 18 year olds drunk by giving them something stronger than they thought, to the point that OP1 fell over… Yeah this isn’t a cute story, it’s a prelude to sexual assault.

      OP1 I hope you’re okay and didn’t have any futher realizations of what really happened with the 30 year old who was giving you “attention”.

  14. Anon PhD*

    Loving these stories lol…they are a welcome lol break from my well meaning but also overbearing parents who are bickering more than usual today (insert facepalm emoji)

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      They’re a good break for me too… what an adventure today was. We went up to my motherinlaws, and my fatherinlaw drove up separately. (Yes they’re the rare divorced couple who are friends now.)
      Welll… first, my father in law fell on the ice throwing sticks for the dog. Then he SAT on the ice for a while because he couldnt get up. But because he wss still throwing sticks for the dog no one realized he needed help for quite some time! When we got there he had already gone home. Scary part, he’s less than 2 years past breaking a hip!
      My mother in law overdid it in the leadup to the holiday again so went off to the ER in an ambulance, with a severe COPD flareup. Kind of like what happened after Thanksgiving….
      My kid is scared for them both but because she is 13 she is lashing out at me.
      On a sillier note, my husband’s aunt introduced me to her big sweet cream puff of a bulldog…and because I grew up with a big dog, I quickly stopped him from jumping on me, so he peed submissive circles around me. I was in her kitchen. In socks. “Don’t move!” she said, scrambling to eject the dog and get paper towels. “Wouldn’t dream of it!” I replied. Now I know why he’s an outdoor dog.

      1. Fikly*

        My grandmother was like this. Wouldn’t let any of her children/children in law help, but the trick was, she would cave and let the grandchildren help, because grandchildren!

        My sister and I loved cooking, and much of my grandmother’s energy went into massive food prep (very large family, depression-era background, so the idea of bringing in anything even slightly prepped was FORBIDDEN), so we pitched in a bunch with that. Maybe that would work with your mother in law?

      2. Where’s the Orchestra?*

        Chiming in to second Filky’s Suggestion as it worked wonders and gave my brother a ton of lifelong cooking tips and tricks.
        We put it to our grandma as “it’s time for you to teach us the holiday family recipients so that they get passed down.” Worked like a dream – and my Mamaw’s cornbread dressing still gets eaten every thanksgiving (my hubby insists on it being a part of the meal every year).

    2. Mockingjay*

      Let’s see. Dear Husband invited neighbors over for Christmas dinner, and others for dessert. This after I proclaimed after the large Thanksgiving bash that I wanted a quiet Christmas. In the middle of dinner prep, DH and First Child leave to go visit still more neighbors. Second Child is pet sitting over Christmas and brings the dog with her for the day. However, Second Child decided to take a nap, so I had to walk the dog in between making the vegetable dishes. Second Child wakes up and decides she needs a shower to beautify herself. I have not showered yet; I’ve been on the move all day. Still waiting for DH and First Child to come back.

      They finally return; neighbors show up about 15 minutes later. DH and Neighbor husband and kids go outside to play cornhole while I finish meal prep and entertain neighbor wife. (She’s really nice, but my feet are starting to throb.) First Child leaves to go visit in laws – hubby’s deployed, :(

      DH and guys come in just as dinner is ready. I serve; we eat. DH actually helps clear the table, then the second round of guests arrives for dessert. All people whom I really like, but I am TIRED. I make the mistake of drinking a cup of coffee to keep going.

      Everyone finally leaves; DH and I get the food put away and the dishes washed and dried. He sits down. I look at him and point that we’re not done. Table linens need to be put in the hamper, counters wiped, and the stovetop scrubbed. I finally sit down. I read for a little bit, then go soak in the tub since I never got a shower. Went to bed and the coffee kicked. WIDE AWAKE.

      I’m checking into a hotel next year with room service.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I wasn’t able to read them until today. We had dinner and presents here on Christmas Eve, and then dinner and presents at Awesome Sibling’s house yesterday, with his in-laws.

      Also, yesterday here, someone was teaching themselves to play “Bohemian Rhapsody” on the piano. Just the opening bars, very loudly, over and over and over and over and over. For forty-five minutes. >_<

      1. Where’s the Orchestra?*

        Speaking as somebody who was in the school band in high school – Bohemian Rhapsody is a very complicated song. It also had an amazing bassoon part.

  17. Apt Nickname*

    I attended my husband’s first Christmas party at his current company. Despite one of the raffle prizes being a literal wheelbarrow of booze, there were no extreme shenanigans. I was so disappointed!

  18. SusanIvanova*

    If the paint was just tacky enough to hold the dildo, wouldn’t that mean that there’s now a dildo-shaped void in the paint? And even if they sand down the area around it when they repaint, there’s still going to be a spot on the ceiling that you can’t unsee once it’s been pointed out to you.

    So basically everyone working there knows the story of That Spot where a dildo used to be.

    2. Donkey Hotey*

      It depends on how the dildo stuck. If it was in profile, yes – there may be a rather obvious silhouette. However, many D.O.U.S’s* are made with a suction cup at the base for (ahem) easy mounting. Depending on how it was thrown, it could have stuck suction cup first which would make removal rather difficult but thankfully leave only a circular divot in the paint.

      * Dildos of Unusual Size – I don’t think they exist.

    2. SunriseRuby*

      I live in the midwest in the USA, so ” It’s also mid December so very very hot …” stood out. The idea of of a summer Christmas in the southern hemisphere (or a summer-like one a lot closer to the equator than I am) has always been a mind-bender to me! I know AAM has readers all over the world, so I would love to know where this party happened. My imagination is taking me to the land Down Under. OP?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Well, climate change is ramping up, so just wait. I’m in eastern Missouri and it was 70 degrees here yesterday.

      2. Ermintrude*

        I can imagine that boat-party happening in Sydney. My work-party lunch cruise around Sydney harbour was quite dull in comparison though.

  20. Queer Earthling*

    Part of my job is reviewing adult products, so when they mentioned the stuck dildo I just assumed it was a really good suction cup and didn’t even question it. I’ve seen others in my field discuss the merits of a dildo-throwing contest to see which company’s suction cups are the strongest.

    A quality suction cup and a tacky ceiling would probably end in the ceiling coming down…

      1. Queer Earthling*

        I’m a self-employed blogger person, but honestly, you could probably work quality control for like…Blush Novelties and play with suction cups all day lol

    3. Free Meercats*

      I have been at a party where there was a suction cup dildo throwing target contest. However, it wasn’t a work party.

  22. Keyboard Cowboy*

    Suddenly I feel a lot better about doing something so mainstream as puking on the shuttle home from my first office party at current Tech Giant. Thanks, AAM – that one’s been weighing on me for a long time.

  23. Phony Genius*

    It’s sad that the phrase “cheese from the black lagoon” got overshadowed by the many other fun sentences in this posting.

  25. Mockingjay*

    The Duet was the funniest thing! Good thing I don’t attend Mass anymore; I’ll never be able to hear that song again without cracking up!

    (And now I’m pulling up Brickhouse on Spotify…)

    2. KayDeeAye (a.k.a. Kathleen_A)*

      I am the OP of that particular anecdote, and yes, it was hiLARious.

      Also, being included in one of Alison’s wonderful compilations of reader-supplied stories is a very, very, very proud moment for me!

  26. AppleStan*

    (A) All of these are hilarious.
    (B) Having been shown Two Girls, One Cup without being warned what it was, I am echoing that you should NEVER see this video unless you have the strongest of constitutions. And even then…just let it go.

  28. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

    #2 – I think I like Very Social! She took no for an answer, she later quilted a baby blanket, and she *does* seem well rounded! My first holiday party at OldJob, my husband and I ended up sitting with a much older, religious conservative coworker and his wife. The conversation was pretty normal small talk, when Wife asked how old our children had been when we moved to the US. I said they were a four-year-old and a toddler.

    Wife: “Oh, that must’ve been hard”
    Me: (remembering our first apartment, being broke, chasing after the preschooler and the toddler) “It was, thank you.”
    Wife: “The reason I say it was hard is because you couldn’t homeschool them.”
    (what do I say to that? I said nothing. At no point in time did I want to homeschool them. Came out of nowhere.)

    What I’m saying is, I would’ve preferred a chat with Very Social and Very Social’s husband. Probably would’ve been less awkward.

    #3 – As someone whose family did once have a pet rat funeral in the middle of the night in a nature park, that was what I envisioned when I got to “he disposed of the cheese in the park”. A clandestine cheese burial. “It had the nearest accessible outdoor bin” was a bit of a letdown.

    1. LW#2*

      Looking back on this 15 years later this WHOLE interaction shows me how toxic/good-ol-boy/weirdly conservative this place was. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE, knew she was a swinger. Instead of being adults about it and telling me with our big, kind, adult words – they told me she was **wink-wink, nudge-nudge** “Very Social” and … threw me to the wolves. I was new to the company, young, and this was my first “professional” environment.

      They weren’t respecting her privacy because I was warned ahead of time. It wasn’t out of concern for my safety, because no real information was given. I can’t even chalk it up to good-natured hazing because everyone was so hush-hush judgy about it.

      Very Social and her husband were great company – unlike my other Jerkface Judgy McJudgerson coworkers.

      Jerks.

  29. Half of a Light Cream Cheese Bagel*

    Another dildo story- I do event planning and a while back we hosted a Christmas dinner and white elephant for the local Republican chapter. Someone brought a massive leopard print dildo. The other gifts consisted of bottles of Dom, Tiffany keychains, expensive bottles of wine from personal collections, etc. Someone brought a dildo. Which was opened by the current Republican Senators daughter. The reaction was a mix of laughter and cringe mixed with actual screams when people craned their necks to see. I ran in to the service area laughing so hard that I genuinely couldn’t catch my breath. Ruined my makeup with the tears streaming down my face. It was a great Christmas.

  30. Three owls in a trench coat*

    Each of these stories was wilder than the next…I have to wonder how many live on as infamous stories passed down from one HR rep to another.

    And you can’t fault Snoop for trying to spread his version of holiday cheer. Which brings me back to that one letter writer who was worried his employee was going to gift him some Christmas weed. I hope we get a follow-up on whether or not that actually happened.

  31. RB*

    I was hoping there’d be a re-posting or link to the work-party story where much mayhem ensued, including a fist fight, and the next day the boss sent out a letter detailing all the ways he was dissatisfied with the behavior of the attendees. It may not have been a holiday party but it was definitely a memorable work party and a memorable letter. I don’t remember enough of the details to do a search for it.

  33. alligator aviator autopilot antimatter*

    If Snoop Dogg personally handed me a J, it would probably be worth the risk of getting fired to take a puff if only for the story to tell my friends later. (I don’t even smoke!)

    That one’s on the company. How could whoever spent hundreds of thousands of dollars booking him for the party not know..?

    1. Snoop OP*

      I mean, the story is there either way! I’m sure the party planners knew it would be possible, but I’m thinking they thought he would ‘puff up’ himself, rather than share with the crowd.

    2. Donkey Hotey*

      The standup comic Gabriel Iglesias has a great bit about this exact scenario on his latest special. (Bonus: he’s self employed, so no “boss” per se, however his teenage son was in the studio.)

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