management talks to us like we’re children, napping in the wellness room, and more

by Alison Green on February 23, 2024

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Management talks to us like we’re children

I am a healthcare professional who works for a home health agency. We are all nurses, rehab therapists, or social workers — educated people with specialized skillsets. We rarely meet in-person but have daily phone calls, so I hear from the office staff very frequently.

There seems to be a culture in the office of using infantilizing language — referring to everyone as “friend,” as in “hi friend, have you finished your documentation?” and the use of “we” when the speaker actually means “you” — e.g., “did we finish the evaluation we started yesterday?” (The main offender of “we”-ing is not a clinician; this may be why this irks me so much.) I don’t know if this is intentionally condescending, but it certainly comes off that way. I have verified that I am not the only one who is bothered by this.

Is it worth it for me to mention it to my manager? I have thick skin but for some reason this REALLY rubs me the wrong way!

Nope!

It sounds like you’re taking that use of “we” as akin to saying to a toddler, “Can we finish our milk?” … but it’s far more likely that it means “did we, the team, finish the evaluation?” That’s a pretty common workplace usage of “we,” and complaining about it will look excessively nitpicky. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be annoyed by it; you are. But it’s more of a pet peeve than something worth bringing up.

However, if there’s something I’m missing about the tone — like if it’s said in a patronizing way — that’s different, and that could be worth raising. But what you’d be raising is the condescension generally, not that one specific linguistic construction.

As for “hi friend” … I’m not a particular fan, but again, it’s the “pet peeve” category of annoyance, not “this is unacceptable.”

All that said, it’s interesting that you’ve found other people are bothered by it too, and that makes me wonder if there’s more infantilizing going on than just the language itself.

2. How can I make sure my coworker isn’t left in the lurch when I leave?

I work at a usually small and rural branch of a global company. It’s open seven days a week and closes on two major holidays a year. I only have one full-time coworker, with our manager being off-site and visiting once a month at most. I’m planning on moving in with my girlfriend in July, which is very exciting, but due to the distance I’ll no longer be able to keep this job. I’ve been heavily considering quitting for a while now, so this is a good chance for a clean break — but I have one major concern (outside of the painful purgatory of finding the next job, of course).

Before I was hired, about two years ago, my coworker was the only desk employee at the branch for a period of several months … meaning for those months he did not get a single day off. This was obviously awful for him! The company had such trouble finding a candidate for his position that he was the one who ultimately recruited and recommended me to management, in a large part so he could finally get a dang break.

I know ultimately this isn’t my responsibility, but I’d hate to wreck his vibe by indefinitely leaving him without weekends when I leave, and the guilt over the thought has kinda discouraged me from putting in the time to send out new job applications. I highly doubt that the standard two-weeks notice will be enough time to find a replacement, but don’t trust in my continued job security if I mention these future plans to my manager any earlier than that. (It’s also pretty awkward now when he makes jokes along the lines of wanting to keep us happy and reliably running the branch — he’s great, my disgruntlement is with the broad company and the specific work not being a great fit for me.)

In the time since my coworker’s awful unbroken string of work, we’ve had changes in our two directly higher levels of management, so it’s entirely possible the new guys will be able to actually arrange people to cover his shifts, and I’m worrying about nothing. But if not, is there anything I can do to make this transition smoother without jeopardizing my existing income? Or any leverage he can pull to make it clear working seven-day weeks is unacceptable even with the overtime pay?

First, assume that your coworker is aware that you could leave (or be hit by a bus or trapped at the bottom of a well or all sorts of other disasters) and what happened last time could happen again. He knows! He’s choosing to stay regardless. If he wants to, he can hold a firmer line about his availability this time (like by saying that he has family commitments outside of work that he can’t move). He will have a ton of leverage because it’s really unlikely they’ll want to replace him right after they replace you.

That said, if you have time between now and when you give your notice, you could think about whether there are things you can do to smooth the workload if he does end up covering both roles for a while. Are there things you can automate/clean up/simplify? If the answer is “not really,” then so be it — sometimes this is just how it goes.

3. Can I use the wellness room to nap?

My office is now requiring everyone to be physically in the office at least three days a week. Before the end of last year, I was working primarily remotely. When working remotely, I’m expected to be available from 8:30 am – 5:30 pm, which I have no problem with, even though I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep at night. However, generally I took my lunch break from 11 am – 12 pm, and I would go back to bed during this hour. Only after I got up after my lunchtime nap did I dress and actually get ready for the day. Now, I have to be up and dressed and out of the house during a time period when I’m used to still being in my pajamas. As a result, on my in-office days I’m up earlier and miss the lunchtime nap.

My office offers a “wellness room” that nobody else ever seems to use. It’s an empty room with some lockers and a recliner. I assume it’s mostly intended for nursing mothers. I was told about it as an accommodation for my ADHD and autism — I can go there if I’m overwhelmed. But if I don’t get my lunch break nap, I become overwhelmed much more easily. Is it a misuse of that space to reserve it for a 30-45 minute nap on the days I have to be in the office?

It really depends on your office culture. There are some offices where this would be fine, and others would it very much would not be. If no one else is using the room at all, I’m worried your culture is more likely to be on the “not all that okay” side of things.

However, since the room was mentioned to you as a possible accommodation for your ADHD and autism, there’s probably some space to experiment. Could you wear headphones while you’re in there, so that if anyone comes in you don’t necessarily look like you’re napping but rather just zoning out/centering yourself (which is close to what was offered to you)?

4. People get my name wrong in email

People get my name wrong. Often. The last letter of my first name is the same as the first letter of my last name, so in person this error makes sense to me. (Think “Elena” getting mistaken for “Elaine” when I’m introduced — a different name, not really a nickname.) That’s easy enough to address in the moment, but email is what I find troublesome. People keep addressing me as “Elaine” in their response to my email, where I’ve clearly signed off as “Elena.” How can I politely correct this? When I email back, I usually say something like, “So you know, I go by Elena. It’s a common mistake, so I wanted to point it out.” I may be overthinking it, but tone feels hard to get right in email, and sometimes I have to make that correction in the context of an otherwise unpleasant email (it’s the nature of my job!).

Too many words! Shorten it to, “It’s Elena, not Elaine!” Or in an otherwise unpleasant email, you can warm it up a little: “By the way, I’m Elena, not Elaine!” Throw in a smiley face if you’re not an emoji-hostile field.

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{ 102 comments }

{ 102 comments… read them below or add one }

  1. coffee*

    LW1: I’m reminded of the “I’m not your friend, pal!” -> “I’m not your pal, buddy!” joke, so perhaps thinking about that could help you feel a bit better as you sit through another round of “Hi friends”.

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  2. Zombeyonce*

    #3: If no one else is using the wellness room, you’re unlikely to be noticed napping in there (unless it’s got glass walls or something, which isn’t very conducive to wellness). Give it a try!

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  3. Brain the Brian*

    LW3: a caveat, from my mortifying experience, which I’ve shared in the comments before. Make sure to give nursing mothers preference using the room. Don’t block the room off yourself and refuse to move your blocks for nursing mothers, as I did when using a wellness room to nap for years. It will not look good.

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    2. The Other Fish*

      Agree.
      This is the only exception I can think of for the wellness room… if a person is having to pump (on a schedule, which will probably change slightly over time) breastmilk. They probably need privacy too …

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    3. poegland*

      Yeah, someone was taking naps in our lactation room and it made for a very awkward situation when two nursing moms started needing the room. They were (rightly) not pleased about it.

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  4. HannahS*

    OP1, I feel you; that is just not how people talk in healthcare. I only know the lay of the land in my corner of Canada so caveats about cultural norms, but that would be read as downright bizarre here.

    My guess is that the non-clinical person is bringing in a corporate norm that doesn’t sit well with clinical staff. My experience of working in healthcare is that while we have our faults (eating our youmg, rampant abuse and exploitation, burnout) non-patient-facing communication is generally direct, clear, efficient, and blunt. Very blunt. Boundaries about who “owns” what task are kept clear, which comes out of closed-loop communication. If someone referred to me as “friend” and asked me if I’d finished “our” assessment, I’d wonder what planet they were from.

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    1. Leenie*

      I’m in finance, and “friend” would be downright bizarre in my context. So I don’t think it’s generically corporate. The two people who I know that do habitually use “friend” are a nonprofit fundraiser and a teacher. And I perceive one of those people as a bit disingenuous, or even manipulative. So I have to remind myself that the word “friend” in itself doesn’t drive me up a wall. It’s the dissonance. When the other one addresses me that way, I barely notice it.

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      1. a clockwork lemon*

        Heh, I’m in a mid-office function and I’m pretty sure I said “alright friends, I’m out” just yesterday as I was leaving the office. To me it’s functionally identical to “gang” or “team” as a term of informal group address in mixed-gender contexts. Nobody’s ever said anything to me about it–I don’t think it’s necessarily a generational thing but I assume there’s a big tone component in how it’s said that makes a difference.

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    2. WS*

      I wonder if OP is particularly annoyed by “we” because it used to be healthcare speak and got phased out for being unclear and condescending – “are we in pain? have we moved our bowels today? are we feeling better?”

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    3. Grandma*

      The only people I know who address others who are not their actual social friends as “friends” are teachers of K through 2nd or 3rd grade children. “Good morning, friends (big smiles). Thank you for sitting so politely with your listening ears on.” If an adult in a workplace did that I would definitely feel infantilized – or maybe that the speaker had a serious problem.

      Although I wouldn’t go my manager, I might say to the speaker, “It really feels off when you call me ‘friend’ like that. Could I ask you to use my name?”

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    4. The Other Fish*

      I wonder if ‘Friend’ is a misguided attempt to be inclusive? Like ‘folk’ but… warmer?

      The only person I’ve ever heard professionally addressing people as friends is a kindergarten teacher “Now friends! We are all going to get ready to go out for recess!”

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    5. Friend*

      I hear friend a lot in Quaker influnced communities especially within social justice work.
      Often used as a softer option to comrade or a more gender neutral option than ladies and gentleman.
      Just giving another perspective to the word as there could be other cultural disconnect.

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      1. Nene Poppy*

        UK Quaker here – I am used to hearing and using the word ‘friend’ but only at Meeting or within Quaker related activities. We don’t tend to refer to each other as ‘friend’ in other instances. I would find it weird and probably irksome to hear someone outside this calling me ‘friend’.

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  5. Feotakahari*

    #1: I hate when bosses say “we” will do it, because I have no idea whether they mean “I’ll do it” or “you do it.”

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    2. Carl*

      I do the flip of asking “did we do X?” It never occurred to me that might sound condescending.
      I say it for a few reasons – sometimes I’m genuinely not sure who would have done it, and I also do think of the group as a team regardless of hierarchy.
      “Did you do X?” sounds accusatory.
      “Did anyone do X?” sounds…flighty.

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      1. Irish Teacher.*

        I think “did we do X?” is different. So long as it’s a task that wasn’t clearly one person’s responsibility, I’d take that as meaning “did anybody do X?”

        *If it were specifically my responsibility and my boss asked me, “did we do X?” to mean “did YOU do what I told you to?”, I might think it sounded a bit condescending but if it was in the context where it meant “has anybody else done X or should I do it?”, that seems different to me because then you do mean us, as the team.

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        1. londonedit*

          Yes, I think there’s definitely a difference between ‘Have we finished the finance report?’ and ‘Have we finished the finance report that we started yesterday?’ That just sounds condescending, and reminds me of a smarmy butler from a period drama saying ‘And has Madam decided what Madam would like for her supper?’.

          In my industry/culture/location calling everyone ‘friend’ would also strike most people as fairly odd – I’m not sure I’d find it infantilising, possibly I’d find it more passive-aggressive, as if someone was saying ‘Hey, pal, leave that alone’.

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    3. Lora*

      My boss is fortunately reasonable enough to take “Do you want to do it or should I do it?” in good humor and frequently indeed then assigns whatever to themself.

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    4. Llama Llama*

      I have run into problems in the past where I have confused my team when saying ‘I would do ‘X, Y, Z’ to fix this problem.’ They took it as I would fix it, but it was really just me guiding to them on how they should fix it. Now if I catch myself saying that I clarify that they are still the ones that need to fix the problem.

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  6. DeskApple*

    Definitely curious about an update to #1. The way I understood it, the use of “we” was targeted regarding specific contributor tasks, not group work, as would be the case in a medical practice. I had a coworker try this with me and in my case it was them trying to micromanage my specific reports (that were unconnected/independent of any team projects/deadlines), so context is everything as Alison says, but I think OP’s gut is right in this case. I’d respond initially with one of Alison’s scripts: “I don’t have a history of not completing my work on time, is there something else that you need from me?” and then escalate to the manager. For the “we’s”, “Oh, I want to clarify it’s only me who does this report, I’m not sure who you’re referring to with ‘we’? That’s a bit confusing”, and see if they stop.

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      1. Twix*

        Because it’s not about the parlance, it’s about the intent behind it – them trying to exercise authority they don’t actually have by being indirect and passive-aggressive. If it is someone communicating in good faith with annoying phrasing it’s not worth turning into an issue, but it’s not a waste to assert reasonable boundaries that are being pushed on.

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        1. Katie A*

          That’s a big assumption to make, that it’s someone trying to exercise authority at all, much less authority they don’t have. Is there something on the letter that makes you say that? I don’t see it.

          If they are being passive aggressive and indirect, it isn’t especially productive to add more passive aggression and indirectness to the situation by pretending to be confused about whether someone else is working on the report, as if that’s the actual issue.

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    2. Cqrit*

      I read it the same way. Not as “we the group doing evals,” at all, but as “now, we wouldn’t want the widdle kitty to be saaad.” I find it telling that the OP indicates others are bothered by it also. That, to me, supports the latter reading.

      I’m not sure how to push back on it effectively, though. This seems like the sort of thing that somebody is going to hit the end of their rope and say “FFS, I’m not a kindergartener – stop talking to me like I am one, you jerk.” And then that person will be vilified, instead of the one who created the actual problem. So OP doesn’t want to be the one, but somebody seriously needs to address it. Possibly with their (OP’s and colleagues’) manager, and let that manager address it?

      This would drive me batty and I’d hit BEC-levels very, very quickly. I’m sorry, OP.

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  7. Honeylemon*

    I am a preschool and kindergarten teacher. In class we call all the students “friend” and all of the teachers have taken to using this language unconsciously with each other and in our personal lives. My husband, kids, grandmother, barista, etc are all “friend” now. I try to catch myself when I’m talking to someone who won’t have that context but it’s hard when I say it so often everyday!

    I wonder if some/one of OP #1’s coworkers came from a similar environment and now it’s permeated the entire workplace.

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    1. Anonymous cat*

      I think some people are starting to use it as alternative to “ladies” or “you guys” or similar words because it’s sort of neutral.

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      2. Awkwardness*

        That was my first thought too: someone trying to use gender neutral language and coming across poorly.

        But it is difficult to say from the outside.

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          1. Harper the Other One*

            I think Anononon meant “afraid” as in “I’m afraid of hurting someone by accident.” I also try to be very careful of what I call groups because I don’t want to misgender someone, although I tend to default to “folks.”

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      1. Reality.Bites*

        I remember a Big Bang Theory where Sheldon said, in reference to his childhood, “I did not have imaginary friends. I had imaginary colleagues.”

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      2. Iain C*

        That’s what I tried to get my son to call his fellow children at school. None of them chose to be there, let alone with each other. “Friends” seemed presumptuous.

        Many became friends, of course!

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    3. DawnShadow*

      I first heard “friend” used this way in my son’s kindergarten class too (he’s in his twenties now) and I loved it! I still have fond memories so that’s my bias.

      I think I remember it so fondly because his main kindergarten teacher was a first year teacher in the wrong profession for her. She had *a lot* of anger and frustration towards the children. Even my son, who was quiet, had several bad experiences with her. She left at spring break and the long term substitute who replaced her was like a breath of fresh air – so calm, so gentle, so the fact that she spoke of everyone as “friends” seemed like part of what I was noticing was so different with her.

      I do have to admit though, I might feel it was a bit strange to use in conversation when all are adults – I’ve never experienced that and probably that’s why I didn’t pick up using “friends” in this way from her. Maybe I should consider it, I know “guys” is problematic but it’s what comes out of my mouth more often than not.

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  8. Sleve*

    #3 – preventative medicine is still medicine. If you’re using the space to prevent overwhelm then you’re using it as a medical accommodation, as intended. So, you’re using it for a nap instead of meditation or a mindfulness exercise. And? It’s not as if napping creates extra wear and tear on the space or impacts its utility for others in a way that meditating wouldn’t (I’m assuming you’re simply lying down, not bringing in blankets and pillows and taking your shoes off). People aren’t entitled to be snippy about your medical accommodation any more than they would be if you were a diabetic eating jelly beans. It’s not a nice perk if you need it. If anything it’s more like a shackle. Ethically you’re fine, so long as you quickly and willingly vacate the room for those with higher needs such as nursing mothers, people with migraines etc. Always triage sensibly.

    Now, will your workplace see it that way? Quite possibly not. Ethics aside, socially this might be a problem. But that’s not because you’d be somehow ‘misusing’ the space, it’s because our society is still prejudiced af.

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    1. Settle Back*

      I agree with this, and I’d add that in my opinion a blanket – or taking your shoes off – could also be fine if you need it. Going by the same logic – that it’s an accommodation, or a wellness-promoting action. An action that increases your productivity too.

      Though I get that Alison is highlighting the optics of the situation, and that some workplaces simply wouldn’t be on board with it.

      I used to work somewhere where it was fine to slip away and have a short nap. It was hardly ever done, just because no one on the team needed it often, but when I did do it it was more refreshing and helpful than a cup of coffee.

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      1. The Other Fish*

        So… no unicorn onesie, fluffy slippers, 100 cube pop fidget and squishmallow? Are you even napping without all that?!!
        *grin*

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  9. lyonite*

    I saw the “napping in the wellness room” title and was afraid someone was writing in to complain about me. I live to nap another day!

    (*We have a separate room for nursing mothers.)

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  10. nodramalama*

    eh for LW1 i think using “we” instead of “I or you” is just fairly standard corporate speech. Unless you’re genuinely not sure who they’re referring to, I wouldn’t push it and I wouldn’t dwell on it.

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    1. Ellis Bell*

      I’m assuming OP is talking about someone asking them to do something but being weirdly evasive about it. Which means that instead of a colleague saying “Hey did you do that evaluation I needed you to do?” they are saying “Did we do that evaluation, the one we agreed to have ready?”. I think it’s a common turn of phrase because it’s lot different if you’re talking about a group task, or about something that could be an organisational or building issue, like “did we have technical difficulties?” I also think it’s okay to say we instead of you here and there, but it starts being noticeable if the person is never once using direct language.

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      1. amoeba*

        Yup. I mean, it could be either, but combined with the “friend” and the coworkers who are also annoyed, it read more like “So, how are we feeling today?” “Did we do our homework?” than “oh, actually, have we called that client?”

        Only LW knows, obviously.

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  11. Leenie*

    I’m not sure what the correct number of people is to work in an operation that is open 363 days a year (or 364 days in leap years). But I guarantee you that number is something more than two. It’s not LW2’s fault that the global company won’t adequately staff that site.

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    2. Third Wicket*

      That was my first thought. Only I was thinking that two doesn’t seem like a reasonable number to get through a week, not even thinking a year.

      Does no one get sick? Does no one get a day off?

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    3. The Other Fish*

      Yep.
      Oh so very much this. Assuming only one person is needed to man the desk at any time, and that the max days an employee works a week is 52…. And there’s two weeks annual leave and five sick days to take off that (so 15 days leave budgeted for)…

      363-15=348 days (after leave taken)
      348 / 5 (working days a week) = 69.6 FTE work weeks a year
      69.6/ 52 (to get the equivalent FTE annual requirement) = 1.34 FTE staffing level …

      And that’s assuming that there is a five day week, with no coverage required beyond 15 days leave, and only one person in the office at a time.

      If I was the OP and had the capacity I’d start job hunting NOW and plan to move faster. I’d be dead scared my colleague was going to quit before me and make the transition MY problem! (Not that it would be, because if my colleague quit leaving me with a 7 day schedule into perpetual hell I’d be out of there!)

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  12. nnn*

    For #3, if you bring in a yoga mat and lie down flat on your back (savasana) you look like you’re just wrapping up a yoga session.

    Also, if you have headphones in, you can say you’re doing a guided meditation. Might even be able to drop that into conversation. “When working from home I got in the habit of doing a guided meditation during my lunch break, and I find that makes a huge difference!” Edit wording to include whatever wellness buzzwords are currently trendy at your company.

    (PS: the internet says the Dalai Lama says sleep is the best meditation)

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    1. Ellis Bell*

      Blankets are a common ingredient with yoga too! Bring blocks+blanket+mat and that really sets the scene for closing your eyes and reclining.

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  13. Anon in Aotearoa*

    #4, I feel your pain. My name is the less-common variant of a more-common name and I am constantly misnamed. Here’s what I do, with fair success (but not 100%):
    * when first meeting someone I explicitly take care to learn the pronunciation and spelling of THEIR name, and make a comment that my own name is often remembered incorrectly.
    * when someone gets my name wrong I correct them in a friendly cheerful way. Everyone gets three corrections. After that I mentally give up on them.
    * I make very very sure I always get others’ names right, and correct other people when they misname third parties (“oh her name is pronounced MEGGan not MEEEgan”) in a cheerful matter of fact way.
    * I try not to care so much.

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    1. One Hundred Percent Not Hannah*

      Anon’s points are excellent. And I feel your name pain. I had to stop caring about people spelling my name wrong – basically anyone who isn’t immediate family and close friends – since I was in elementary school. “Hanna” vs “Hannah”: it is rare that when I tell people my name without spelling it that it’s spelled right. I also have the fun experience now of people occasionally thinking my maiden name is my first name, which is…exciting.

      I did one time have a Burger King employee spell my name “Haha” on the receipt lol.

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      1. One Hundred Percent Hannah*

        I am a Hannah and *constantly* get it spelled “Hanna” or even “Anna” even though I sign off emails as Hannah, my email address is hannah….etc. I can’t tell from your comment if “Hanna” is the spelling you use but it’s so annoying that there isn’t a spelling of this name that doesn’t get butchered. I don’t mind the other not-me-spellings “Hanne” and “Hana” because they’re so uncommon for me, but “Hanna” drives me up the wall.

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        1. Another Hannah*

          I came to offer sympathy to LW4 but didn’t expect to see a group of Hannahs all commiserating. I don’t know if it’s just how common different spellings are in different regions, but it’s more common I get “Hanna” from colleagues in one region than all the others. I’ve never known how best to correct them because I’ve never spelt my name any way other than “Hannah”. That’s how it’s spelt in my email too!

          Though on the subject of weird spellings by other people, the best I ever saw was back when we were all little and one of the other kids had written “Hanner”. That still amuses me to this day.

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        2. Irish Teacher.*

          I have a really common name and it only has one spelling, but it’s a long name, so it still gets spelled wrong a fair portion of the time. Think my name being Geraldine and people regularly spelling it Gerdine. People just leave out a syllable for some reason I don’t really understand. It’s a far more common name than Geraldine.

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    2. Airy*

      I think also saying “I *go by* Elena” (perhaps in an effort to soften the message) opens the door for problems, since “going by” a name usually means it’s not your legal name but another that you prefer. If someone thinks your “real name” is Elaine but you *prefer* being called Elena, they may think “Well, it’s fine for me to keep saying Elaine since that *is* her real name.” This would, of course, be rude of them but there’s a definite Type of person who thinks this way and it’s better not to give them an inch if you can help it.

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      2. Florance, not Florence, or Flo!*

        Computer autocorrect is the new bane of my life because it ‘corrects’ to the common name/spelling and people may even have typed the correct thing!

        My final defence used to be to miss-spell the offender’s name back to them, which was always surprisingly effective. But risky, nowadays…

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    3. Magenta*

      I have a name that is often misspelled, my mum wanted to be different and picked an unusual spelling that is in fact the French masculine version of my English feminine name. I have pretty much given up these days, I only correct people when it matters, like for email etc.

      It might just be me, or a US/UK thing but to me this line is a bit jarring:
      “in an otherwise unpleasant email, you can warm it up a little: “By the way, I’m Elena, not Elaine!” ”
      To me the exclamation mark makes the sentence come across as aggressive and even more so in the context of an unpleasant email.

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    4. I made all my money off the big Charlie Brown*

      I’m in the same boat and I honestly don’t even try anymore. If seeing my name spelled the correct way in my email alias and signature don’t do it, attention to detail is probably not going to be your strong suit. I do wonder if they get confused in meetings hearing everyone else say my name right.

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  14. Frodo*

    As a school teacher, my colleagues and I use “friends” all day long. As a mother of a teen with many non-binary friends, I’m very much aware of not using gendered words when referring to a group, so using “friend” has become the norm for me. I’m currently going thru medical treatment, and I’ve noticed in the office that many of the medical practitioners use the term friends for both patients and colleagues. Friends seem to be everywhere.

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    1. Iain C*

      I made this comment briefly above, but as a pedantic parent, this annoyed me. You wouldn’t refer to fellow prisoners as “friends”. Do you go to the staff room for a tea break and say “Hello friends!!” as you walk in?

      I encouraged colleagues rather than inmates.

      Of course, many became friends, but some became nemeses. Friends for the class wouldn’t have just been presumptuous, but plain wrong.

      Pretending this group of children who have no choice in being grouped together are automatically friends should go the way of “if he hits you, he likes you”.

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      1. Third Wicket*

        I know this is not what you meant, but I could easily get behind greeting coworkers with “Hello, fellow inmates!:

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  15. hellohello*

    For the name misspelled in emails, if you’re able to stomach it I’d recommend waiting until a second offense to correct a person. I know I’ve realized after the fact that I had a typo in someones name (or, once, accidentally used their last name instead of their first in a very awkward way, because both names could be a first name, and I misread.) Hopefully at least some of the miss spellers correct themselves on take two, and you don’t have to send as many correction emails.

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    1. Constance Lloyd*

      I’m a person with a first name for a last name! I don’t even bother correcting people anymore. Most of the time I don’t bother to correct people anymore, and it only bothers me when people get it wrong AND do that car salesman thing of using your name as often as possible, but that annoys me even if they get my name right.

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      1. Constance Lloyd*

        To be clear, Constance Lloyd is not my real name, she was Oscar Wilde’s wife. My actual last name is a traditionally feminine first name.

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  16. Iain C*

    #4 My name is pretty is my email address. It appears afterwards in brackets in outlook. I finished my email with it.

    Yet people still reply “Thanks Ian!” or the like. I seethe each time. “Presumptuous” seems to be my word of the day, but it applies here. Do they think my fingers stutter? Consistently?

    I’m ok with people who’ve just heard my name assuming wrongly – the odds are in their favour – but it’s in multiple places written down!!!

    (OP – you have my sympathy and solidarity, but little advice. I do occasionally go the route of misspelling names in replies.)

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    1. Le Vauteur*

      Same here! I get many variants of mine when it’s right there in the email address, I end my emails with it, and it’s in the email signature. I also prefer the full version not the shortening I get, but had to give up fighting with colleagues on that one (and yes, that’s ‘colleagues’, none of that ‘friends’ nonsense).

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    2. EllenD*

      I’ve the same problem with people not reading my e-mail address or signature. It is so annoying. I’ve been addressed as Helen, Elaine, & Eileen in e-mails. On two occasions, I’ve had people ask on the phone for ‘Alan’. One even complained they couldn’t find an extension for ‘Alan D’ and I replied it’s ‘Ellen D’ and you’re speaking to her. This was nearly 40 years ago, where some people still assumed anyone important was male and went for the nearest male name.

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    3. londonedit*

      Yep, I have the same thing. My name is something like Kate – a fairly standard shortening of a fairly common name, but I guess a name that’s close enough to other names (say, Katie/Caitlin/Kathy) that people just can’t seem to get it into their heads despite it coming up as the sender name in Outlook, being my actual email address, being the name I sign off emails with, and then also being in my email signature. It’s quite irritating when I email someone and they respond ‘Hi Caitlin…’

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  17. Roxaboxim*

    #1: I find this hillarious and disagree with Alison’s assessment. I’ve had a lot to do with social workers, psychiatric nurses and the like – as a client / patient. And this is how most of them talk to us, to varying degrees. The good ones aren’t condescending and treat you like a competend adult, but even they often use we-form; some confusingly even say “I” when they mean “you”. Others have treated me like a not very smart preschooler or a recalcitrant teen – super annoying and unhelpful. I can see these practices seeping into communication with collegues. I think it’s worth calling out – not just for yourself, but also on behalf of the clients.

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  18. Xero Deficit*

    LW4: If someone gets my name wrong in an email, I usually get their name wrong in my reply. Hopefully they pick up on it enough to realise they got my name wrong.

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    1. The Other Fish*

      That would completely over my head. I’d just be annoyed at you for mis spelling my name. If you pointed it out to me I’d usually remember it unless I spoke to you very rarely and didn’t have any real personal/professional relationship built over time

      Reply ↓
    3. Irish Teacher.*

      I really don’t think I’d get this. Making mistakes with people’s names is so common that if you used the wrong name or misspelled my name in an e-mail, I would just assume you made a mistake. It definitely wouldn’t occur to me that it was a hint that I had gotten your name wrong.

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  19. niknik*

    3: So, is “wellness room” just office speak for “nursing room” ? Taking a nap certainly improves my wellness, but sounds like that’s not its intended purpose ? Help my out here please, native speakers.

    Reply ↓
    1. Katie A*

      No, not inherently. Sometimes it’s a room that is genuinely meant to be a space for people to take a break and relax for a bit, or maybe do specific things like stretching, meditating, calling your doctor, or giving yourself an injection in privacy.

      My office has a wellness “room” that is more like a corner of a room that has been partially walked off, and it has no door, so not an acceptable nursing room (or a good room for doctor’s calls or other private things, unfortunately).

      It also could be that it’s a room that is intended to be a nursing room, but when no one is currently nursing, it becomes a more general purpose room. Of course that can be tricky if someone needs to start use it for nursing.

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    2. amoeba*

      I mean, it was shown to them in the context of accommodations for their ADHD, so seems like not only for nursing, at least in this case!
      Probably the “normal usecase” would be more like “sitting quietly for a few minutes”, “doing a few stretches/breathing exercises” or something than “sleep for a full hour”, but doesn’t feel that far off, either.

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      1. Dog momma*

        I never worked anywhere there was a wellness room. And unless we had a nursing mother pumping, I can’t imagine paying someone to take a nap if they were also taking lunch and breaks! If it was done once in a while and counted as a lunch break..mmmaybe, but most would probably go to their car. Otherwise you’d probably be fired. RN post clinical in an office job, with reviews and phone line

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        1. amoeba*

          LW would be using their lunch break though, wouldn’t they? I agree that outside of break hours it would be a no go in most places, obviously!

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    3. Loose Socks*

      My husband’s company has a Wellness Room that has dimmed lights, recliners, futons, and timers to wake people up if they sleep. He called it Three Mayo Room, but officially it’s the Wellness Room. they have a separate Nursing room.

      Reply ↓
        1. Irish Teacher.*

          I really wondered what “Three Mayo Room” referred to. I assumed it was some sort of in-joke, like maybe somebody spilled mayonnaise there at some point or something.

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  20. Lilo*

    Is there any way you could get a doctor’s note for use of the wellness room? Something that was available my work (before we switched mostly to telework) was that pregnant women had a break space to take lie down breaks in the health clinic (government employer). You could get a doctor’s note or the clinic would have the staff nurse write a note.

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  21. Dances with Code*

    In a previous career, I handled a lot of inter -agency mail at a school organization. I had a very specific function that required certain paperwork. My married last name is quite short but very unusual. It was constantly misspelled in diverse and sometimes amusing ways. As a more common name of a different origin/ethnicity, a type of pasta, missing a letter, with an extra letter, etc. Occasionally, even my first name, of French origin and reasonably common in US populations, would also get misspelled. I kept a running list of all of the misspellings I received, whether in inter office mail, email, whatever, posted in my cube. It was a source of amusement among my direct colleagues. I still have it somewhere.

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    1. Loose Socks*

      When I was a preschool teacher the children couldn’t pronounce my last name. What they ended up calling me instead was “Ms. Breadstick”, which I loved

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  22. Loose Socks*

    LW1:
    I do this so often, and I’m trying to so hard not to! I didn’t around 10 years in Early Childhood Education, and certain speech habits that are used with children have accidentally followed me into my next career (HR).

    I work in a male dominated field (I am a woman) where we send new hires to specializedv training soon after being hired. I work with our on-staff recruiter/retention officer to make sure everyone has everything they need, and we have meetings before they leave and when they return. One day the recruiter/ retention officer pulled me aside after a meeting with the new hires when they came back to explain to me that people don’t often ask them “Did everyone have fun? What was your favorite part? Are you excited to start your new shift?”

    I try to be extra careful now in how I phrase things, but I caught myself saying “We probably shouldn’t say that” in response to someone venting about another employee in a way that wasn’t work -related and not appropriate. I definitely should have called them out, but not like that.

    Thank you for the reminder!

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  23. Brain full of bees*

    #3 – I worked for a music company for a few years where we had a wellness room that was colloquially known as “the hangover room”; generally people would use it for a quick nap if they’d had a big night out at a gig the night before, because we were allowed to work wherever we wanted to in the office (kitchen w/view over the Thames, rooftop garden, lounges in the hallway, etc, it was a very fancy tech style office) so you would take your laptop & try to subtly act like you weren’t dying while sneaking into the room for a kip…all that to say I think you’re more than fine to use it for legitimate reasons, & I wish I’d thought to ask for such an accommodation for my ADHD in the past lol

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  24. bamcheeks*

    I work on a project with an assistant who is entry-level, and I oversee all her work but am not her formal line manager. I am trying so hard to break myself of the habit of, “we need to…” when I mean, “I’d like you to…”! She’s pretty on the ball and we haven’t had any problems with her NOT picking up and action, but I just think it’s bad practice for me not to be clear when I’m assigning her a task versus listing for myself what needs to happen over the next few days, weeks or months.

    “Have we done X” is the kind of thing that flies in a close group with good communication and a lot of trust, but can turn into a REAL irritant if there’s any friction or lack of clarity about authority or role responsibilities. I would definitely prefer, “is X sorted?” which covers both, “is X finished and sent off” and “is someone responsible for X and expecting to have it done and sent off within the necessary timeframe”.

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  25. Yup*

    LW#2: You are kind to worry about your coworker, but this issue is above your pay scale. That company is mistreating its employees, and you should not have to be the one worried about how other people will have to deal with their corporate greed. I would follow procedure and announce your departure as required by law. And I really hope your coworker either only comes in 5 days a week, or quits too. Employees are people, and we should get to live our lives instead of being used as a permanent stop gap (and eventually burning out).

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  26. Dread Pirate Roberts*

    I’d encourage you to use the wellness room for your nap, for your own well-being but also normalizing the use of the room can benefit others who might also be thinking “but no one uses it…”. We have a few in our large office that are mostly empty but people do use it for pumping, prayer, naps, escape from the fluorescent lights, quiet, and just to get away for a bit, though mostly people don’t notice when someone enters. You shouldn’t have to tell anyone what you’re using it for, though using it daily might cause the People With Opinions to have Opinions of course. But in most office I think that would be a small price to pay for preserving your well-being.

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  28. DJ Abbott*

    LW1, being called “friend” by management would grate on me too. Especially the phony-friendly, indirect, too-critical manager. She is not my friend!
    Are they trying to act like you all are actually a group of friends, similar to the “we’re all family” thing? Or is it more just a habit of speaking?
    Either way, yikes. Keep your guard up and keep some distance.

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  29. Cabbagepants*

    #3 Check your employee manual. For whatever reason, all my employers have had very strict rules against sleeping on site. Like it was considered a fireable offence! I was always a salaried office worker so it’s not like I’d be sleeping “on the clock” per se.

    Reply ↓

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