is it OK to have sex while working from home?

by Alison Green on September 23, 2024

A reader writes:

I am a stay-at-home mom of very young children. My husband works from home one day per week, occasionally two. When he works from home, he watches our baby while I take the older ones to and from school/preschool. Other than that, he works in our home office and I rarely see him for more than a few minutes at a time. My point is that he is definitely working when he works from home.

Except sometimes we have sex while the baby naps. I feel like this is fine! But we were laughing about it recently because, well, if someone left work to go have sex, I think we would all question their judgment. I can’t explain why I don’t think there’s anything unethical about this. Am I alone in that? It’s not like we can check with his boss to see if he’s fine with this. We can’t ask any of his coworkers if they do this too because then we’re just asking about people’s sex lives.

To be clear, I don’t really care even if his boss or colleagues did have a problem with it. It’s none of their business! Or is it? Because it’s during the work day? What are your thoughts on sex while working from home?

Oh.

Hmmm.

I don’t think you should be having sex during the work day. But in purely practical terms, I can’t argue that sex while working from home is all that different from doing laundry while working from home (and I never thought I would compare sex and laundry). The laundry standard is that if it only briefly takes you away from your work, you’re getting all your work done and done well, and you’re available when your team needs you, no one needs to know.

So I suppose it depends on whether those things are true. Is this a lengthy encounter or a brief one? Is he doing well at his job? Does he return to his desk to find people were trying to reach him while he was otherwise occupied or do people find him appropriately accessible?

If the sex doesn’t add up to any more time away than, say, a couple of coffee breaks and chats in the office kitchen, I can’t give you any good reason why it’s more improper. Obviously it’s improper if people know about it, but it’s the knowing that would be far more improper than the act itself.

And of course, if it’s his lunch break, that’s his own time and you may get it on with impunity.

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{ 433 comments }

{ 433 comments… read them below }

  1. L-squared*

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, as long as you aren’t telling people.

    Most people do non work things while working from home. If you would run to the grocery store and not have it be a problem, I’m not sure why this would be any different. Maybe if it became a repeated issue of you not being available. But otherwise its fine.

    1. New laptop who dis*

      I feel like your lunch break is for whatever you want to do. Go to the store, take a walk, eat a sandwich, indulge in a little afternoon delight!

              1. Butterfly Counter*

                As part of an academic achievement ceremony in the 8th grade, they had a choir come in to sing for us.

                This was the song.

                So, in my mind, I’m always seeing the one choir singer who only just realized that this maybe wasn’t the most appropriate song to sing to a bunch of nerdy 13 year-old kids. His face was hilarious, but I was somewhat mortified at the time.

                1. Manic Sunday*

                  Somewhere in the depths of my hard drive, I have a recording of a girls’ choir singing “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. You can find it by googling the song title + Scala & Kolacny Brothers (a misleading name for a girls’/women’s choir!)

              2. WoodswomanWrites*

                “Good Will Hunting” is a favorite movie that I happened to watch a few days ago, and that scene is exactly what I thought of also.

          2. Princess Sparklepony*

            I’m boring, I’m channeling the Starland Vocal Band…

            A little afternoon delight
            Sky rockets in flight
            Afternoon delight……

          1. H.Regalis*

            I picture the Starland Vocal Band in, like, a sunken auditorium with wood-paneled walls, puke-green carpet, and everything is covered in macrame.

      2. MassMatt*

        It’s unclear from the letter whether this is happening during lunch breaks or during work, as well as how much time is involved.

        IMO the issue isn’t about having sex vs: doing laundry or any other activity, it’s doing something other than working while being paid/expected to work.

        My perspective is somewhat different than most people, in that while I went remote years before the pandemic, on the other hand during that time I worked in a call center environment where arrival/departure times, time on phone, availability, etc, was all very much tracked.

        I do think the LW’s attitude of “it’s none of their business” should get some push back; if someone is paying you, it literally is their business.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          If being paid hourly you’d definitely need to clock out. Salaried, as long as you’re getting your work done AND TURN OFF THE CAMERA ….

        2. Despachito*

          “doing something other than working while being paid/expected to work.”

          I think none of us can honestly say we never did anything but work while being paid to work. Never played a game of Solitaire, or chatted in the kitchenette, or popped out to buy a snack or a coffee, but spent 100% of the time working.

          Sometimes your brain just stops being productive and needs a short break. You can blankly stare on the screen or distract yourself but you are just not capable of working for a while.

          I have no issue with any such interruption (including that one OP is asking about) if you manage to do this without interfering with your work (ie still answering calls and getting your work done correctly and on time). And no one has to know.

          2. Craig*

            I never had time to do any of that except in breaks. rest of time I was on the desk helping customers and being monitored.

          3. Azure Jane Lunatic*

            I’m coming at this first from a knowledge worker perspective: time on the clock that’s not literally sitting and staring at the work in progress can still be time spent on that work, if what you’re doing is trying to figure out the best phrasing for the point you’re trying to make, or who you need to talk to first, or what manufacturing process you use for this teapot spout. Let’s call this a Type 1 work/break.

            And I agree that brain bluescreen in knowledge worker roles is a thing and doing something Completely Not That gives the brain a chance to revive itself in a way that throwing yourself at the task over and over fruitlessly will not create. Let’s call this a Type 2 work/break.

            But I’ve also worked call center jobs, and while there are also times your brain bluescreens, there is no time for brain bluescreen there. Sometimes you can place an inbound call on a hold while you “look something up” (give your brain a minute’s rest, get your voice back under control, urgently summon a supervisor); sometimes you’re writing up notes on a call you just exited (knowledge work) and you can pause briefly in that, but most of the time you are supposed to be working unless you are on a formal break with your computer in some kind of break status. And when you’re on a formal break you try and think about anything else for a Type 2 break. But the idea of doing non-work for five minutes without setting your status to On Break sounds fake and not-okay; people get written up and/or fired for that.

            Sex, when done “correctly” is type 2 “working” — you’re not thinking about the work task at all, and a knowledge worker might get away with it if a type 2 break is what’s called for. But it definitely isn’t a Type 1 break; you will probably not come back with a paragraph of email fully worked out as well as your full cup of coffee.

        3. Kevin Sours*

          I assumed that hubby is exempt — perhaps because that’s my experience working remote — in which case “on the clock” is a great deal fuzzier. But agree that if someone is not exempt then they need to record the time accurately.

        4. Lenora Rose*

          But most call centres are notoriously abusive or at least painfully unpleasant environments; do you really want to use that as the standard for all roles?

      3. PurpleShark*

        There is an old Norman Lear film, Cold Turkey, where the whole town was quitting smoking (a comedy). I remember a scene where the protagonist kept leaving work to “indulge” instead of a smoke break. He actually left work so I suppose if you are working from home it would not be that wonky to use your time off the clock as you see fit.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I remember that. Dick Van Dyke was the lead. There was a scene where his wife was making the bed, and then she looked out the window and saw him stomping down the sidewalk back toward the house. She rolled her eyes and flipped the covers back.

    2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      I recently went out to run an errand and emailed my team that I’d be away from my desk for 45 minutes. I get similar emails about appointments from people, too. We have flexible work hours. I don’t see why this is any different.

      1. JFC*

        It’s the same with my team. We’ll often send each other OOO calendar notes if we need to be away for an appointment or something more than 30 minutes in the middle of the workday. It’s only become an issue when some folks weren’t getting their work done, missed meetings or were completely unreachable when we expected them to be accessible. Aside from that, they work fine.

    3. Putting the Dys in Dysfunction*

      Since we’ve now normalized mentioning of a “biobreak” at work, maybe the next step is to get to the point where we can say, “Hey, I’ll be right back after an orgasmobreak.”

      2. Boof*

        No, that would be TMI – the point is your coworkers /should not know/ because knowing would be most of the problem!

    4. Anonymous Cranky Bibliophile*

      As with so many things, telling people would actually create an issue where there was none before!

  2. Having a Scrummy Week*

    What you do during your WFH breaks is your own business – errands, laundry, cooking, walks, interviews, sexy time…

    1. Snarkus Aurelius*

      Last week, one of my employees had to take his pet to the vet to be put down during lunch. I didn’t think anything of it, especially since he’s an excellent employee.

      I guess I don’t ever think about what people do on their down time. It’s not my business.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I mean, in THAT situation I would give him the afternoon off?!? That’s not an ordinary vet appointment…

        But on principle I agree.

        1. ferrina*

          Yipes! Yes, give that poor person the afternoon off! I had to take a day after my pet passed- I was distraught and would have been useless at work.

          1. Ontariariario*

            I really wanted the work distraction. I don’t think we should comment on ‘should have done’ because it’s very likely the employee had the opportunity to ask for leave if they wanted it.

            1. Nikkole82*

              I went back to work immediately after my husband’s funeral. I still had bereavement left on the table but I just couldn’t be in the house suffering anymore.

            1. Dawbs*

              yeah, and if they’re hourly (*waves, we do exist even in white&pink collar jobs*) your cutting into his paycheckor his pto.

              when i started my current job, my dog was put down adhd i told NOBODY at work because they’d have been sweet about it and i had a lot going on and if they were kind, I’d have lost it… and I’d only been there a month, i didn’t have enough pto to spend on a crying jag.

              1. Lenora Rose*

                A lot of hourly jobs have separate bereavement leave.

                But people also have different personal reactions to things, and want different things. One person wants cards and flowers to acknowledge a loss, another explicitly requests no such thing. One wants everyone to be told, another tells nobody what’s going on. This applies even to time off.

          3. Birb*

            Same. I had to put down my 15 year old cat a couple of weeks ago and almost went in, but realized I wouldn’t be doing anyone any good and called in. I ugly cried all day.

          4. Poppy of Dimwood Forest*

            After my mother died people didn’t understand why I was back at work so quickly. I NEEDED to be there for my mental health.

            We shouldn’t presume the time wasn’t being offered.

            1. Anthropocene*

              I’m sorry for your loss.

              I had the sudden death of someone I was very close to earlier this year, and I got the call informing me mid-morning at work. My boss immediately offered for me to go home and take whatever time I needed, and I really appreciated the offer, but honestly I much preferred to stay. I had things to work on that didn’t require me to engage with other people much or put on a cheerful face, and the distraction and having something to keep my hands/brain busy while I processed things really helped. I think giving people the option and the space to decide what will be the most helpful for them is the most important.

            2. goddessoftransitory*

              Same when my father passed. It was so awful but sitting at home staring at the wall wasn’t helping.

            3. SimonTheGreyWarden*

              My FIL passed away this year, and while I took bereavement to go to the wake and funeral, I did not use the full allotment of days. My supervisor told me I could take the other day off if I still needed it, but honestly, I needed the distraction of being at work more.

          1. ferrina*

            fair enough. I’m glad you offered it! Too often people aren’t sure if that’s something they can ask for, and it’s wonderful when a manager proactively lets them know what the options are (even if they decide not to take those options).

          2. ThatGirl*

            Well, at least you tried. And to the comments above, you’re right that you can’t “force” someone but a good manager would offer it, at a minimum. When it was time to say goodbye to our dog, they set the appointment for the end of the day, but my manager still told me to take the day to do whatever I needed. I can’t fathom focusing on work at a time like that.

          3. PB Bunny Watson*

            You did the absolute right thing. I’ve made a point of saying to people, “you know, you can take x leave, if you need to, but I also understand if you prefer to take your mind off of it with work.” I don’t want staff to think I’ll judge them for not taking the leave.

          4. BlueCanoe*

            I think you did the right thing – you offered but didn’t force either way.
            Your employee knew the offer was there but he still had the freedom to make his own decision about it.

          5. Ceanothus*

            That’s how I felt when I had to do the same — I think it was compassionate to give him the opportunity.

      2. Frank Doyle*

        And then he had to go right back to work?? Oh that’s horrible. Poor guy. There’s no way I could have done that.

    2. ferrina*

      Agree. If you are getting your work done and billing your time correctly, I don’t care what you are doing in the interim (short of violating the Geneva convention, etc.)

      1. sheworkshardforthemoney*

        Today is a WFH day for me. I could have completed my work over the weekend but I will do it today and turn it in today. If I turned it in on the weekend my micromanager would then demand that I work every weekend. It’s important that the work be done within the same time frame as if I was in the office. They don’t need to know that I’m taking a break from Excel to read AAM. My next break will be when the next question is dropped.

    3. Anon4this!*

      Honestly this is why so many companies are RTO. Normal breaks outside of lunch should really be max 10 minutes. Occasionally emergency things like having to pick up kid from school or take pet to the vet is different of course but daily you shouldn’t be taking a 30 minute walk (not at lunch) and a 30 minute errand and 30 minutes to go pick up your kids. Or an hour interview for another job while you’re on the job, take a personal day or half day! I usually eat lunch while I work so I can take a 30 minute walk later on. I have a colleague who takes a one hour walk every single day and it’s starting to be noticed in addition to their lunch. They also leave or sign off at 4:30 everyday and don’t check emails later. It’s an issue and they are up for a promotion and people who have a say in the promotion are pushing back because of this.

      All that adds up and companies are now looking at logs to when people are working. I know my company has and I have been in meetings showing all this data.

      1. Caramel & Cheddar*

        Right, but those companies are using the “butts in seats” model of management, which has never felt particularly effective to me. Are people getting their work done? Is their work product achieving what you need it to? Can we use real metrics to manage staff instead of “This person left early and didn’t check their email in the evening”? I don’t want to work in weirdly punitive and inflexible workplaces and am always surprised when other people do.

        1. OneAngryAvacado*

          Yeah, recently I’ve been clocking off early while WfH due to stress at home, and it’s not had a single impact on my work or my deliverables. If anything, I’ve fallen into a new working habit where I’m super productive in the morning and then wind down in the afternoon, and I’ve been getting more work done because of it. If a company complains because they’re more concerned with my presenteeism than the work I’m actually doing, that’s a really bad business model IMO.

        2. Anonymous Educator*

          Exactly this. Before the pandemic, lots of work-in-office employees were sitting at their computers and looking as if they were working… but we just goofing off and not actually getting their work done.

          “[T]his is why so many companies are RTO” doesn’t really apply here, as if 1) people being away from their desks means they’re not good employees or getting their work done and 2) people being at their desks mean they actually are getting their work done.

          1. Nicole Maria*

            There’s a difference between sitting at desk at work reading Ask A Manager versus being at Target or at an appointment — in the former situation if an urgent task came up you’d be there and ready to handle it, in the latter not so much.

            1. ecnaseener*

              But even that is about your office’s coverage needs, not a universal thing — if people are counting on you to be reliably available at certain hours for things that can’t wait until after your 20-minute errand, then you don’t run errands during the work day. If that’s not the case, then you can, regardless of whether you work in an office or not. People do leave offices for errands!

              1. Colette*

                And it depends on the job; in some jobs, you will need an occasional break to let your mind mull over a problem (although an errand would still not be considered work time.)

            2. Oodles of Noodles*

              It depends on your job. Some people don’t ever have any urgent tasks. Some people might have occasionally urgent tasks, but they are handled with a phone call. You just need to know your job!

              1. Allonge*

                Sure, it depends on the job. At the same time, it’s also ok for a company not to want as many different kinds of working arrangements as there are jobs.

                Which is not to say it should only ever be one set of rules, but ‘the job’ is surrounded by ‘the team’ and ‘the department and ‘the company’, not to mention ‘applicable laws’.

                So it’s never really just the job in the end.

            3. So they all cheap ass rolled over and one fell out*

              This really depends on your job. Not everyone has jobs where they sit around waiting for work to come in, then when it dies they have to get that work done within 20 minutes. And how disciplined you are about keeping AAM breaks short. And whether it’s better for your eyes, brain, and productivity to spend your breaks not staring at a computer screen.

          2. No Longer Gig-less Data Analyst*

            I had a job several years ago that I was incredibly overqualified for, but they refused to promote me or even give me more advanced/complex tasks – and yes, I asked all the time my first couple of years.

            I finally gave up and just started working on the novel I was writing about half my work day, because I realized as long as my fingers were going clickity-clack on the keyboard and I was looking at the monitor when my boss walked by, it was all she cared about. My first draft was about 125K words and I easily wrote half of them on the clock.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              I did that at OldExJob, on a flash drive. Sometimes I had very little to do but was still stuck at my desk since I was the one answering the phone. I also wrote at lunch on my own computer. And ExJob let me do homework during slack periods (I was taking classes at the time).

              RecentExJob had a rule that any thing done on company time or equipment belonged to them. So I did the separate-offline-computer-at-lunch thing if I wanted to write during the workday and had at least a 45-minute lunch. Any shorter and it wasn’t worth it. Hauling two laptops back and forth was kind of a drag, though.

            2. Britality*

              I had a previous records clerk job where our work was really heavy at times of the year and light others, and once we’d finished all backed up organizational tasks and done the work that came in overnight, we were actively allowed to read quietly at our desks or study. My best semester was that (light work) summer because I was able to complete almost all of my online college coursework at work.

        3. Richard Hershberger*

          So very much of the RTO discussion amounts to employers implicitly admitting they not a clue how to evaluate an employee’s productivity and use butts in chairs as a proxy.

          1. John*

            Amen to this.

            And what about all the time wasted when people screw around in the office? There is tons of non-work-related chatter, yet the moment they notice a WFH employee isn’t online for ten minutes they assume they are taking advantage.

          2. Malarkey01*

            Ehhh a lot of my observed RTO is that many employees are doing the bare minimum under the guise of as long as the work gets done. If someone in the office was routinely done in 4 hours that role would get tasked with additional projects to redistribute the workload.

            Instead of that we’ve seen more and more non-work tasks being done during the work hours and what was 10 minutes to throw a load of laundry in is now one hour target runs or having sex on the job?! and frankly that’s not going to fly.

        4. Anti-WFH*

          I am sorry, but if full time employees are taking an hour each day for walks, hooking up, etc., and still getting all their work done, they either need to go to half time status or be assigned more work.

          1. Brannigan's Law*

            Or they are just really good at their job. An employee doing good work fast shouldn’t be punished with more work or less pay.

          2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

            Yes, this is my problem with “eh, if the work gets done” because the employer sets the expectation of what “full time equivalent output” looks like (eg 5 teapots per day, or six TPS reports per week) and pays accordingly.

            And if you get an employee who can turn out 5 teapots in four hours, or six TPS reports in a day and a half, should they be paid for the time it took them or the output? Should your best employee actually be paid half what your worst employee gets?

            I’ve been part-time since 2008 and WFH since 2013, but in all those years I’ve very closely monitored what I actually spend my time on – industry standard is to bill in six-minute increments so that’s how we measure. This reassures me and my employer that neither is taking advantage of the other. For what it’s worth, I have a “holding the fort” timecode for those seasonal occasions when I’m just logging on to check nothing urgent has come up and there’s often no output as such.

            I’ve never worked under a US-style “exempt” system where your time obligation stretches to fit the work assigned to you. I can see that it would be impossible to be “part time” in that kind of situation because maybe your basic week is 30 hours but hey it stretches to 45 and how is that different from full time anyway except in your paycheck?

          3. legal lol*

            There are plenty of periods at my job where the work is slow and we don’t rush to fill them with more work… because we know there are periods of the year where we’ll all be doing 60+ hours a week to cover the work we have. Taking on enough work to be busy for a solid 8 hours a day during the slow period also means signing up for 80+ hours a week during the busy period. I’m glad I work for an organization that understands that and keeps the workload manageable year-round.

          4. hohumdrum*

            Why? I don’t personally believe in the grind, I think everyone’s work should be light enough that they can still live their actual life during the day.

      2. TriRN*

        If the work itself is getting done, and people are available when they’re expected to be available, why the nit-picky clock-watching?

        If the breaks are genuinely interfering with work, then is a problem (admin who needs to be at a desk to work with walk-in clients, for example). If not (engineer who blocks off an hour for that walk while ensuring work is being done & they’re accessible at other times), then who cares?

        1. Chickadee*

          Sometimes taking a break increases productivity! Whenever I’m stuck on a coding problem, I go for a 10-15 min walk – I nearly always figure out the solution during or immediately after the walk. Sitting at my desk staring in to space isn’t nearly as effective.

        2. Annie*

          For the most part, I complete agree with you. But there are times when you are needed and being away on a walk *not during lunchtime* would be a problem. Just the other day I was about to head to lunch when someone contacted me and wanted me to jump on a call. I was able to do so. We have people who work in all different time zones, so they weren’t in the same time zone so weren’t thinking about lunch.

      3. Velomont*

        If they are getting the work done, why does any of that matter? Maybe they’re making up the time in the evening. In my previous job (from which I just retired), pre covid, I used to leave at 3 pm so that I could take long detour home in my bike commute. Then I would do a few hours after supper.

        1. Annie*

          I agree, but sometimes people need to be available. I think as long as they are available if something comes up, and are producing good work results, it should be fine.

      5. baseballfan*

        I see comments all the time about “if they’re getting the work done, why does it matter the hours?”

        My response is always, if they are taking 2+ hours of breaks throughout the day to do laundry, pick up kids, take a walk, or whatever – They aren’t getting as much work done.

        In other words, how is one to measure “they’re getting the work done”? I work for an accounting firm and we bill our hours. So in my case and in similar situations, there’s a clear measure. In other jobs, maybe not so much.

        1. Excel Gardener*

          Maybe they’re flexing their time until later? Or perhaps taking advantage of a slow day where there isn’t as much work to get done.

        2. Anonymous Educator*

          So in my case and in similar situations, there’s a clear measure. In other jobs, maybe not so much.

          Lots of exempt folks don’t necessarily bill by the hour, and instead they have deliverables and metrics they’re accountable for.

          1. No Longer Gig-less Data Analyst*

            Yep, I WFH full time and my boss does not care what I do as long as my deliverables are met and I’m responsive to emails and pings.

          2. londonedit*

            Yep, there’s no such thing as ‘billable hours’ in my line of work or in my industry. I project manage books according to the Production schedules, and as long as I hit the deadlines on those schedules I can organise my work in any way I see fit. Of course I have standard working hours, but if I’m WFH there’s absolutely no reason why I can’t pop out to the pharmacy or extend my lunch break to go for a run or start a bit later if the bloke’s coming to look at the boiler, or whatever. My boss and my colleagues do the same.

            I really don’t think doing laundry/popping out to post a letter etc are in any way different to the little breaks you end up taking when you’re in the office – British offices run on tea, and if you’re in the kitchen making a round of tea then you’ll inevitably get chatting to someone and that’ll be 10-15 minutes gone. Same with waiting for the photocopier to be free, or trying to track down someone to sign off your receipts, or any of the other things you might end up doing as part of your working day. Maybe it’s a cultural thing but I’ve never had a job where I’ve been expected to sit at a computer from 9-5 and not move from my seat.

        3. Caramel & Cheddar*

          A lot of people work in places where the work product is in deliverables, not billable hours, which is probably the main difference here.

          I do think it’s worth examining the productivity of the billable hours model as well, of course. Companies aren’t motivated by doing things quickly in a model where their profit depends on things taking longer. What might take you three hours could take someone else 1.5 hours, which will probably be charged to the client as 2hrs, let’s be real. Does that mean you’re doing more work, necessarily? Or, if you’re doing in 2hrs what someone else does in 3hrs, are you doing less work than they are?

          1. Richard Hershberger*

            Testify! I hated working billables for many reasons, with the perverse incentives and general level of BS high on the list.

            1. Still Salty About It*

              I hate it too, especially when there’s nothing to do and you’re still expected to fill that time with billable work, but what if there isn’t any? Like if you’re waiting for other people to finish, or clients say, “Well we’re pausing this project for now! We’ll get back to you next year maybe!”

              I’ll tell you what happens. You get laid off. >:(

          2. MyToastLeftMe*

            I 100% agree. I worked as a consultant for a long time, and hated billing hours, and a standard of a certain percentage of hours that should be billable. However, I don’t think a company could justify a sliding scale of what counts as an hour based on individual productivity. Those differences are generally accounted for in billing rates increasing with seniority, so a junior employee who isn’t as efficient takes twice as long, it can still cost the same overall as a senior employee completing the same thing in half the time.

          3. Brannigan's Law*

            Oh heck yes. I work in consulting and the worst part of the job is figuring out how to keep my billable rate high. I get calls from my boss if I have too many unbillable hours. I would love to work on a project basis but the system (on our end or the clients) isn’t set up that way so we bill by the hour.

        4. Lifelong student*

          I worked in accounting and in law- both with billable hours. No one ever asked what time of day the hours were. They just as billable if done between 9-5 on weekdays or done on weekends or in the evening- which at least in accounting happened a lot. Come to think about it, I was paid the same no matter how many hours I billed. Probably should have not been exempt when I was a paralegal.

        5. No Longer Gig-less Data Analyst*

          I’ve built a lot of efficiencies into my work, and I can often get twice as much done in the same amount of time as others on my team. There is a task in particular I can think of that was taking the previous person assigned about 3 hours to do. I took over the task and built a macro in Excel that automated about 80% of the deliverable, so instead of hours it took me less than 30 minutes, and the automation actually made it more accurate so there was less rework overall due to human error.

          That said, I’ve never in 30 years of working multiple jobs in multiple industries had a job where my work was billable.

          1. Reluctant Mezzo*

            Same here. Before our salespeople were delivered to the welcoming arms of Concur, they used to hand in handwritten stuff and I had to look up what sales department they were in. I said, ‘no way!’ and built a form for them that had all their specific codes on them already.

        6. Sex LW*

          I think there is some validity here. I generally believe that deliverables are more important than hours, but you are right that taking more breaks when working from home does account for just less time to do work. And, like Alison pointed out, it’s less time to be available.

          For my husband though, he get up at 5 with our baby (which, ugh, can’t the baby just sleep until 6?!). While baby babbles and plays on the floor, he checks email and makes his plan for the day, sometimes gets a few small tasks done. He also works during what would normally be his afternoon commute home, so I suppose I feel like the time aspect of it all evens out.

        7. Le Sigh*

          That depends. Ostensibly I work 9-5, but I have a job title that means if something happens after hours, there’s a decent chance I will have to respond, even if I’ve already worked a full day or am on PTO. I try to avoid it, but sometimes I can’t. So if I’m hitting my deliverables and getting my work done — and I’m making myself available to work late as needed — so what if I sometimes take a little extra time to get a few things done on a slower day? If you want my flexibility and willingness to put in extra hours, then I need that in return.

          1. MassMatt*

            IMO flexibility has to go both ways: If you are expected/required to take care of things after hours or put in OT when needed, then the employer should provide flexibility also.

            A friend of mine was once reprimanded for coming in late on a Monday after she had just spent about 30 hours over the weekend fixing a database issue. Surprised Pikachu face by her AH manager when she gave notice days later.

        8. doreen*

          That really depends on the job. In my last job, I had specific tasks that needed to be done- reports to write and meetings to attend, that sort of thing. But that took maybe at most half of my working hours. The rest of my job required me to be available to make decisions and answer questions, think about the reports I am going to write and planning. All of which I could have done while taking a walk or doing the laundry – since I did a fair amount of that stuff while taking a walk or doing laundry even after I spent 35 hours a week in the office.

        9. ecnaseener*

          In addition to the replies above, this also depends on the person. People are not working like machines for 8 hours a day; we need breaks.

          To illustrate: One person stays at her desk consistently all day, taking little breaks here and there that add up to a few hours over the course of the day. Another person works in bursts of hyperfocus with long breaks in between. Both have used up pretty much all of their mental energy by the end of the day; neither could’ve gotten more done if they tried to skip or shorten those breaks.

        10. NotAnotherManager!*

          The thing about billable hours is that no one cares when you meet them as long as you do. Who cares if you do that hour of work at noon or at midnight? It’s easier sometimes to swap your day around if your metric is not time-bound.

      6. Hastily Blessed Fritos*

        Obviously the thing that matters at the end of the day is whether people are getting their work done, and your walking colleague clearly isn’t.

        For WFH, though, the time saved due to the commute is an issue as well. Say someone would normally have a half-hour each way commute, leaving the house at 8:00 to get to work at 8:30 and leaving work at 5:30 to get home at 6. Then they start WFH, and are ready to work at 8. Is it really worse if they start working at 8 and then use that half-hour they saved later in the day? If, for instance, they run out to the pharmacy when they have slow time at 10 rather than doing it at 8? (Assuming a non-customer / client facing job where they aren’t going to be fielding unexpected phone calls all day, of course).

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          Say someone would normally have a half-hour each way commute, leaving the house at 8:00 to get to work at 8:30 and leaving work at 5:30 to get home at 6. Then they start WFH, and are ready to work at 8.

          I’m currently hybrid, and this is 100% me. I’m not coffee badging, exactly, but the days I’m working from home, I start working much earlier, and I stop working much later. The days I go physically into the office, I’m arriving later and leaving earlier. I’ll check work email and Slack on the train, but I’m not as effective there as I am at home.

      8. Excel Gardener*

        How different is that from the office through? I saw a study once that people *in the office* only spent half the workday actually working.

        People overestimate how focused they are even in the office.

        1. Dasein9 (he/him)*

          The office was actively distracting for me. I do knowledge work and most meetings were always remote anyway. A room full of people taking remote meetings is not exactly conducive to concentration.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Yep!
            That’s why I spent $200 on higher-end noise-canceling headphones (they were on sale). Worth every damn penny.

            1. Dasein9 (he/him)*

              I couldn’t do that any more after being grabbed from behind and shaken by my supervisor once.

        2. Golden*

          This has 100% been my experience at office jobs. I once calculated a colleague’s average of 2 hours a day(!!!) on the break room jigsaw puzzle. Why was I doing stats on the jigsaw puzzle instead of working? Turns out that focusing on work is hard when the deskmates on either side of you are always having intense conversations about dieting and workouts over your head. I am not surprised by any of these studies coming out about the productivity of WFH!

          1. Reluctant Mezzo*

            As a writer, I enjoyed the conversations (and was always careful to change the names and other details if I ever made use of them later).

      9. Anonym*

        Thanks for the insight into how some of this is being viewed and used! I’m not a fan of butts in seats management, but it’s good to know some of the lenses through which our choices (or apparent choices) are being perceived.

      10. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        Is he not checking emails or is he not answering emails? I will sometimes check my emails on off hours but I’m generally checking for emergencies. If it’s not an emergency, I’m likely to answer it when I return to work. Also, are these actually time-sensitive things (eg one attorney who wasn’t answering emails when we had a filing due) or just things where people think he should prove his dedication to his job as if it were a religion?

      11. business pigeon*

        At the office we get two 15 minute breaks and an hour for lunch, standard, so I don’t agree that your breaks should be 10 minutes max.

      13. Dawn*

        By law where I am breaks outside of lunch are 15 minutes so I’m not sure where you’re getting this “max 10” number from. Among the other things here that are just…. really questionable.

      14. Disgruntled Problem Solver*

        I have a job where I have to think hard about big problems, and sometimes that looks like me staring into space “doing nothing” while I try to work it through. I actually kind-of hate that so many jobs have been so metric-ified. My metrics should not be about “how many hours did you sit at your desk?” or “How fast did you respond to e-mails?” but “how successful were you at solving these big, hard-to-measure problems with diffuse impacts?” But that doesn’t metric nicely, so I end up wasting a ton of time on metrics that don’t matter and don’t contribute to my work being done effectively or well. Only to be told to get back in the office so a manager can stare at me to be sure I’m not taking walks.

        I was hired to THINK. I was hired to think about problems nobody else could solve, and to solve them. And lately, my company acts like the only way I can prove I’m “thinking” is to be typing every minute of every day. Like, man, I need to stare into space. I need to go for a walk and scowl at the sidewalk while I work this through.

        I always thought part of the reason I was salaried was because I don’t stop THINKING when I’m off work. I might come up with a solution in the shower, I might get a great idea talking over my day with my husband at dinner.

        Now I’m supposed to fill my days with meaningless administrivia so they can track metrics, and do all my actual work when I’m not at work. Because God forbid I don’t LOOK productive while actually BEING PRODUCTIVE. I look like I’m staring into space, so I must be a slacker.

        1. Dawn*

          I’m very sorry to hear that, but it sounds like either you’ve got room to push back here, or you’ve got a good set of skills to be moving on with. Personally, I’d be taking the latter option.

          1. Disgruntled Problem Solver*

            I’m definitely looking at the latter option. But metrics have invaded the whole of the corporate world. It’s hard for people in more “mushy” fields like mine to find places that haven’t paid lots of consultants to tell them how they need many more metrics to be effective. (And even when the metrics make sense, the existence of the metrics means people game the metrics so they’re no longer accurate.)

            My metrics here are dumb, but my boss knows that, and my grandboss knows that, so at least we all know the metrics are just a game to be played, and they both give me a lot of freedom to arrange my day how I like and are cool with me making space in my day to think (fake meetings ftw). It’s the RTO so people can stare at me and be sure I’m being productive that I’m really salty about. Sometimes when I’m really stuck on a hard problem, I grab a small pallet of watercolors and paint for 20 minutes. Sometimes being creative in a free-flowing, low-stakes way like that unsticks the mathier part of my brain that’s stuck in thinking about a problem just one way. This is ABSOLUTELY NOT GOING TO FLY at the office.

            Also, I know myself, in an office I am going to spend all day talking to people because I LOVE talking to people, and I’m going to accidentally solve a lot of interesting problems for other people and never work on my own work. (I mean if I had an office with a door I could shut, no problem. But obviously noooooooooooo, open plan offices where you get to listen to everyone else’s phone conversations.)

            1. Dawn*

              Speaking as someone who has worked both in and out of the corporate world, I don’t know if that’s actually true that they’re particularly prevalent, or that companies are being told to use them by consultants… but I’m certainly sorry that’s been your experience.

              Good companies recognize that you can’t measure performance based on clicks per minute, promise.

              1. Heather*

                I agree that there is no real issue with taking a sexy time break when the baby is asleep. Nobody is embarking on a 5 hour marathon with a baby next door who could wake at any time and maintaining the connection with your partner when kids are small is hard. This probably helps a lot

                Also, it’s not at all unusual for parents to flex their time around picking up from school, appointments, cooking supper.

                Side note: About a decade ago, I was asked to do a non BAU, dull, but urgent task that involved waiting for the computer as it did various things, then clicking a few buttons and waiting again. I said sure, but this is going to involve me mostly doing nothing, while being alert for popups, for about 90 min. Can I write my Christmas cards while I wait? Signing cards and writing addresses is a quick task that matches well with checking for popups. My boss said sure.

                Then I got in trouble because my grand boss saw me. I explained, and was literally told oh, but people walking past will think you aren’t working (subtext, and that reflects on me)

                So I read a book on my lap instead, the way I did when I was bored at school, because the program I was using hates multitasking with another program (not a problem if you are not reprocessing 50-odd items in succession), and it took longer

        2. hugseverycat*

          BIG SAME. I’m a technical writer, and a big part of writing is, well, not writing. For example, I was tasked with rewriting a section of a document to be shorter. The problem is that the client also wanted every possible pathway and eventuality to also be documented in this section. There was not an obvious solution.

          I came up with the approach that I ended up using while taking a shower that evening before bed. Sitting at my computer and typing words into a document was never going to solve this problem. I needed space for my brain to do its thing in the background.

        3. PeachPearPlum*

          If it helps – I finally got to a senior-enough role where my actual job is basically ‘try to stop stuff from hitting the fan, and if it hits the fan, limit the collateral damage’, and that’s what I’m judged on (by the co-owner of the business). This means that sometimes they side-eye me for spending 3 days on something that ‘no one will ever see’ and 8 moths later that one sentence in that thing that no one would ever see is what avoids a 7-figure issue (actually happened this year). That also means that doing my job well basically looks like I’m doing nothing because what would be a crisis if I hadn’t done my job is now a minor issue that can be fixed within a few hours. I loathe judging people by how busy they LOOK, because of this, you’re absolutely right.

          But yeah, to your point – I’ve literally ended meetings with ‘thanks for the information, X is sending a recap, let’s all take a day to let it percolate and see what we can come up with’, and people initially laughed at me for it but that solution or ‘stupid question’ (aka: so stupid it’s actually pointing out the solution, please say it out loud) that pops up while doing dishes or taking a shower really IS smarter than what was said during the meeting. The ideas need to settle without being pressured!

          If it helps, if you’re not given that leeway: basic fixing of random office stuff, basic filing (when I worked big-corporate, I’d do my own filing, because it was basically busywork that left time to think, which was what I actually needed – not as productive as going for a walk, but still), and, genuinely, manually sorting excel spreadsheets. Mindnumbing busywork that keeps you on ‘active’ but lets the brain float.

        4. PeachPearPlum*

          Also, I just want to flag this, in case anyone ever sees it again: a dozen or so years ago, I was working Big Corporate and managing a team of 10, and there was some Friction between ‘people who were so busy’ and ‘that person isn’t as busy/isn’t doing her job’, and I’d looked into it and was handling the interpersonal stuff as best I could (it was my first management job, let’s just say it was a learning experience, I don’t think I did badly but I’d definitely have shut it down harder with a decade of experience and/or a less culturally noxious HR culture – please give new managers suppport, people!) Anyway, it escalated outside my team to other managers, and turned into a thing with my manager and HR, and I bascially had to call a meeting and SHOW the performance metrics and defend the rest of the team – and in these jobs, metrics were pretty easy to pull – think call-center-adjacent environment.

          Spoiler alert: the people who were complaining, so busy, almost running down the hallway? Accomplished about 60% of what the ‘not busy’ people, the ones who strolled down the hallway and talked calmly, were accomplishing.

          Second, and important point: the first group was all White-North-American, the second group was all fairly recent Haitian imigrants. And they were smart, delightful, hard workers, and phenomenal to have around, I’ve stayed in touch with most of them since we’ve all left that hellhole and given solid references. But ‘busy-ness’ is CULTURAL, and can be weaponized in really racist/classist ways, per my experience, and more managers should be conscious of that.

      15. AliceInSpreadsheetland*

        That doesn’t make any sense to me, though- you’re arguing that the person who can get all their work done in 4 hours a day is a worse employee than the one who takes a full 8 to do it (or that the twice-as-efficient employee should only be paid half as much!). Work twice as hard only to be given double the work? No thanks.

        This model doesn’t reward efficiency, it only gives people more work as a reward, and instead of letting people have more leisure chains everyone to desks for 40 hours a week no matter what- which is an outdated standard anyway; collectively people are so much more efficient at work now than they were 10, 20, 30 years ago, yet we still spend just as much time working instead of doing anything we actually think is enjoyable with all that time we could be saving.

        Is your colleague missing important deliverables or falling behind because of their walks? Are those last 30 minutes’ worth of emails all issues that would have been responded to/solved before 5pm or things that would have been pushed to the next morning anyway? Is everyone else in the office truly productive in the last half an hour of the day? If this colleague is up for a promotion and they’re being held back by their taking walks- not by not getting work done or quality of work, but just because they’re not *physically present*- I think your company’s attitude to what ‘productivity’ and ‘work life balance’ mean need some serious updating.

      16. DJ*

        We may do the odd errand or meet the odd friend for coffee (usually at lunchtime but otherwise make up the time). I’ll check and action emails on my long commute into the office on office days and not claim the time.
        But now my employer is obsessed with getting us all back in I won’t be doing that anymore!

      17. Lenora Rose*

        The standard here is 15 minutes’ break time, and has been at everywhere I worked including the places where it wasn’t practical to actually take that break; where are you getting 10?

        In general I agree that doing too many breaks is something that should be addressed — but I don’t actually see how it’s related to work from home. The manager is still fully capable of saying, “An hour’s walk every day, in addition to your lunch break, is a bit excessive” and seeing if they course correct or take direction. Step one is always talking to the employee; they can’t react if they weren’t spoken to. If people are pushing back on a promotion because of it but **nobody actually said anything to them**, that’s an unfair standard in itself.

        (And I am very much against demanding they be reachable in any evening hours unless it’s specifically to make up for that extra hour lost in the middle of the day.)

    4. Sloanicota*

      I think that’s true for things that take five minutes or less, maybe ten, if you check the slack/teams before and after,* but not for something that’s going to be distracting you for more time than that, especially if you’re going to be completely unreachable, not just folding laundry with your laptop/phone open nearby. Completely unreachable for 20 minutes or more = lunch break only. So, I guess that’s asking TMI about OP’s sex life, but that would be my standard.

      * this must vary by office though. This would be my standard for my field.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Context switching may matter here, but I’ll trust the the letter writer that the husband is still doing okay at work.

      2. Baunilha*

        I actually had the same thought. I fold my laundry quickly and keep my notifications on, so I can hear if someone tries to reach me and can return to work right away if needed. I’m not quite sure having sex works the same way.

  4. Sally*

    I think it’s like anything else you’d do at home while working from home. If it’s not impacting productivity, results, responsiveness etc., then go for it. But nobody needs to know.

    2. allathian*

      Exactly, especially if you’re on your lunch break.

      That said, even when I’m on my lunch break, I tend to remain in work mode to the point that I’m not interested, even if it’d be convenient when our teen’s at school.

  5. Helvetica*

    As someone who has done this (w/o children) – yeah, use the lunch break, so you’re not missing calls or e-mails, and generally keep it for days which are not otherwise hectic. I would compare it to going to the gym during the break, as it is kind of a workout and it does also bring the good endorphins and make me more invigorated.

    1. SAS*

      A lunchtime gym workout is a great comparison. I’ve worked in a workplace where that was no issue / viewed positively and another where it caused a fair bit of judgement and resentment (that butts weren’t back in seats within 30mins)

    2. PeachPearPlum*

      This, honestly. It’s a ‘lunch break’.

      Time it around lunch (so that it doesn’t impact people trying to get a hold of you for work – it’s ANNOYING to need someone who is supposed to be available – in jobs where that’s expected, to be clear – and who just disappears with no notice), and enjoy your lunch break, and don’t tell people that that’s what you were doing.

      I feel it’s equivalent to a gym break, an errands break, a ‘visiting my mother for lunch’ break, all of which I’ve also done. The issue would be if you’re taking a lunch break AND going to the gym AND running errands AND….

  6. Alex*

    “Is this a lengthy encounter or a brief one? Is he doing well at his job?”

    I definitely read this in a way you didn’t mean it lol.

    In all seriousness though I think it is fine in the sense that we don’t ask permission for every single little thing all the time in our lives, and if we were to, we’d probably get “no” more than we’d like, but that’s fine as long as you aren’t causing any trouble or inconveniencing anyone. If his boss finds that he is unavailable when he shouldn’t be or is not spending enough time working, his boss can address those issues and sex doesn’t need to be brought up at all in any way.

    1. ferrina*

      lol! That’s how I read it too! I was a shocked that Alison thought that was relevant….then I realized what she actually meant.

    2. Frank Doyle*

      Bold of you to assume that Alison is not 100% aware of how she is phrasing things and all possible meanings.

      1. Iain C*

        I definitely had several “I see what you did there” moments, and I commend her restraint. So much entrendeportunity in this answer!

    1. whimbrel*

      Nah. If LW’s spouse is meeting their deliverables, they have flexible breaks, and it’s not taking up an excessive amount of time, how is it different than spending 15 minutes playing a video game or reading reddit or eating an ice cream cone or whatever?

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        Pre-pandemic, I had a co-worker who literally spent 95% of his day on Facebook. Was he ruining “work in office” for the rest of us?

        1. Pocket Mouse*

          Yeah, someone on my team spent 90% of their day doing Not Work (personal email, reading unrelated news, planning vacations) while in the office. Their screen was in my view as I sat facing my computer, overwhelmed with work, and there were absolutely days it ruined working in the office for me.

          1. MassMatt*

            This is a management failure not a WFH VS: RTO failure.

            Frustrating, but until managers figure out ways to distribute work fairly and measure actual productivity this kind of thing is rife both in the office and at home.

            IMO when there is a significant recession a lot of people that are unproductive (and ineffective managers) are going to find themselves jobless.

            Getting another job when employers will be able to be much more picky than they have been in the last few years will be tougher when the only accomplishments you can point to are Facebook or Minecraft.

            1. Anonymous Educator*

              Frustrating, but until managers figure out ways to distribute work fairly and measure actual productivity this kind of thing is rife both in the office and at home.

              That’s my point exactly. Nobody’s ruining work from home or work in office by not doing their job. If they’re not doing their job, they’re not doing their job.

    2. Jackalope*

      Why is it an issue if it’s on breaks and lunches? I agree that at other times it’s not a good idea, just because when you’re on duty time you should be working. But your breaks are your own time.

    3. Caramel & Cheddar*

      They’re really not. Focus on the people who are coming up with “reason” after “reason” for WFH people to return to the office (“Collaboration!” “Camaraderie!”), not the people who are otherwise having a perfectly fine time being productive at home. That’s who’s ruining it for the rest of us.

      1. Potato Potato*

        This. Let’s shift the blame to the people who are actually trying to take away WFH, not the people flexing their time to do extracurriculars.

    4. Excel Gardener*

      I don’t see the problem if done in moderation. Everyone takes breaks during the workday, and honestly I think most people underestimate how much time they spend doing non-work things during the day even in the office (chit chat with coworkers, bathroom breaks, zoning out, coffee breaks, reading the news, posting on AAM, texting a partner). I think I saw a study once that found people in the office only spent half the work day actually working. So if you’re wfh and you substitute zoning out or news reading for sex, I don’t see the problem.

      1. Excel Gardener*

        I’ll add that I’m a high performer, got exceeds expectations across the board, and received praise from my boss even during our busy period, but I still take lots of breaks during the day that probably add up to a couple of hours even during my most focused days.

        1. Bird names*

          I dare say that taking breaks like that is partly what allows you to be a high performer as well. You’re presumably bringing lots of other skills to the table of course: ability to prioritise, in-depth knowledge in your subject area and a good eye for deadlines I’m going to assume.
          Giving your brain time to rest however probably helps you task switch and to come up with better solutions.

      2. Turquoisecow*

        At my old job, people would clock in, then go down to the cafeteria to get lunch, come back upstairs and eat it while chatting and not really get started until they’d been in the office for nearly an hour. And even people who didn’t eat breakfast at work, they’d spend plenty of time getting coffee and chatting about non-work stuff, making personal calls, checking Facebook, playing games, reading news articles, a million other non-work activities. The company looked down on work from home except for emergencies like snowstorms or hurricanes, but they were apparently fine with all that slacking in the office.

      3. Can't WFH*

        I mean…yes… I guess as someone who doesn’t have a wfh option, I agree that this could be true but from the outside it’s like it started as doing laundry from home (sure, the actual work of laundry is pretty short and would easily fit into an office break), to preparing food (okay, well, I guess if it’s something you’re checking on versus actively cooking it doesn’t take that long) and now we’re into trips to Target, hour walks and afternoon delight. At a certain point, you do start thinking some folks can’t be doing much work.
        PS. Huge bias that I’m honestly not in a job where I can do these non-work thing during my core hours. Coffee and bathroom breaks are strange to me, even in the office.

        1. Malarkey01*

          This is what I’m seeing- it’s the acceptability creep. I’m a huge WFH advocate but many people have a hard time knowing where to draw the line and that line seems to be moving further and further

    5. ferrina*

      lol! That’s a funny slippery slope.

      Don’t worry, none of the people that slipped out of the office to go to a hotel ruined lunch breaks for the rest of us.

      1. Ellis Bell*

        Yeah I honestly think it’s pretty naive of OP to think that only people who work from home do this at lunch!

    6. Olive*

      I agree, but not about the action itself – the talking about it is the problem!

      Whatever it is you’re doing at home, just shut up about it. Don’t end up in an article titled “You’ll Never Guess What WFH Employees Are Doing Instead Of Working”.

      1. OneAngryAvacado*

        To be honest, I rather think it’s a good thing to talk about it? It reminds all WFH workers that they *don’t* need to be on the laptop every second of every day they’re working from home. Let’s be honest, most of us are not doing heart surgery or things that require us to be reachable at all times (there are exceptions to the rule, of course) – I think it’s a culture shift that companies and managers have to go through to accept that WFH is more flexible and that’s just the way life is going atm.

        1. Magpie*

          One of the things I love about my boss is that she talks about this stuff. She’ll join a meeting and mention that she just finished chopping up veggies for dinner or went on a quick walk around the block. It really drives home that she’s fine with people flexing their time since she does it herself, and that the thing she cares about is the work product, not how many hours a day people are staring at their laptops.

          1. Anonym*

            My boss has replied at 4pm to say “I’ll get to this after I drop the kids off at [activity], give me 30 mins.” It was very, very nice to hear.

          2. Turquoisecow*

            Oh that’s much better than my boss mentioning that she’s chugging a Mountain Dew in the office at 2:00pm because she’s been in back to back meetings and hasn’t had time for lunch, or running into a meeting a couple minutes late because she hasn’t had time to use the bathroom and she really had to go.

            Like I know she’s busy but it makes me feel like I also should be that busy, and like, she’s got a very different job than me and I’m just…not?

        3. Michelle Smith*

          It isn’t though. There definitely has been a trend towards making people return to the office most or all of the week, even at companies that have allowed working from home to remain until this year. For a recent notable example, look at Amazon. While generally I do see the value in reducing stigmas with visibility, that is not going to be the impact of headlines or even watercooler conversations about having sex while WFH. It’s going to result in more C Suite folks looking at that and deciding WFH isn’t necessary any longer and they’ll think people will be more productive in the office. That LW isn’t doing anything wrong IMO, but talking about it is just going to backfire.

    7. Irish Teacher.*

      I don’t think it’s people like this that are ruining work from home. I think it is managers who treat work from home as if it’s the same as working from the office and apply logic that doesn’t really work for work from home.

      I think this is one of the ways where work from home is different. And really, when somebody is working from home, I think that if they are getting their job done and are contactable when they should be, then it really shouldn’t matter if they take two hours off in the middle of the day and catch up in the evening or whatever (again, so long as they are available when they are needed and aren’t missing calls or anything like that).

      I think it’s the assumption that work from home should always mean sitting at a computer from 9 until 5 exactly regardless of whether or not that is necessary for the job that is ruining work from home. Of course there are some jobs where working from home requires being online from 9 until 5, but there are others that can be done at different times or where people might be working longer some days and shorter other days. I think the ability to do that is part of the advantage of work from home, both for employees and employers.

    9. Two-Faced Big-Haired Food Critic*

      I’m looking at it from the POV of people who have several children under age 8 or so: grabbing a chance for sexytime when they can. And it’s their home, with each other, not three hours at the No-Tell Motel with one spouse and their coworker. If I worked with, for or even above LW or her DH, I can’t see how it would affect me, or why I would need to know.

      1. Sex LW*

        Hi, I wrote the letter. Honestly, this is a big part of it. Our kids are young and busy and demanding and we are EXHAUSTED once they are in bed. If he’s home on a Wednesday and the baby is asleep at 11:30, that might be our only opportunity all week!

        2. Anon for this*

          LW, I am with you—except my kids are older and stay up so late that we can’t fit it into the evening because we fall asleep before our older one does. I’m very amused by the comments here. Keep doing what you’re doing—and enjoy!

        4. babies are cute but exhausting*

          I work from home regularly and my husband occasionally (or stops by between offsite meetings to change out of his suit). We have 2 under 2 and they are both at daycare all day every day. I can’t remember the last time we had sex NOT during the work day (and it’s not like we get to it even every week!). Trust me, those 5-10 minutes for sex are worth the benefits to your relationship and no one needs to know that you had sex from 10:25-10:35 instead of rolling the trash can back from the curb and seeing a chatty neighbor.

        5. Iain C*

          My wife and I worked from home too, and with youngish children this was our main change when we were not dead tired and the children were elsewhere.

          But I make no secret of running errands in the daytime and often do support in off hours. I can be given a problem at the end of their day and it’s solved before they start the next.

    10. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

      Right, because people who work at the office never disappear for an hour to go the gym or lunch or, you know, actually run home during their lunch break to have sex.

    11. HonorBox*

      Geez. It would be one thing if the question referenced some sort of work performance issue, that they’re taking lengthy time away for activities, or that people are noticing that he’s not available when he should be, but none of this is true. If he’s taking time that he otherwise would for a different type of break, that’s not ruining anything for anyone

    12. Anon4This*

      I have no idea what anyone is doing during their lunch break during WFH. They could be going to the gym, running errands, doing their laundry, or anything. If they’re getting their work done and complying with policy, why do I care?

      I am, in fact, getting ready to use my own lunch break to spend some quality time with my partner because this is one of the few times we have the house to ourselves and are on the same schedule. Absolutely no one at work will know that I’m not stepping out to grab a bite to eat, and I’m certainly not creating an HR incident by sharing this info.

    13. Specks*

      Why? Is he getting his work done and done well and is it not affecting his availability? If so, it’s none of your business what he does and when he does it. If he isn’t, then it doesn’t matter if he’s home or not — his manager should hold him to standards. If you’re worried about the appearance of not being online 24/7 while WFH from someone, then it’s your boss’s insistence on butts in seats that’s ruining WFH.

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Correction: Executives who can’t handle not seeing people in the office are ruining WFH for the rest of us.

    15. So they all cheap ass rolled over and one fell out*

      The only people ruining WFH are the management with butts in seats mentality and their lackeys like you.

  8. Pastor Petty Labelle*

    I have found that treating work from home as work is most helpful to maintain a work life balance. Like I change out of pjs to start my day, try to end at a reasonable time and then close the door on the office. Errands are run at the end of the workday (which I control when that is — self-employed).

    I realize not everyone has this view. But if you start treating everything like its okay as long as you don’t interfere with actual work, you find work bleeding into your off time because there is no line between work and not work.

    1. KKITMListener*

      I’m laughing about the sex/laundry comment because there was a morning radio show that used the euphemism of “doing laundry” – so unfortunately the two are intricately linked in my brain.

      2. sheworkshardforthemoney*

        lol, I did my laundry this morning as a delay tactic because my work today is very tedious. And I really did do my laundry.

      3. LunaLena*

        My first thought was the Friends episode where Monica says she’s “doing laundry” to hide the fact that she is going over to Chandler’s place for sex, and Chandler says “‘Laundry?’ Is that my new nickname?”

        Took me years to get the joke, because I am very obtuse about sexual innuendo.

    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Like you, I make sure to get dressed and work between fixed times, but I’ve found it helpful to re-frame errands and chores into their equivalent of something I’d be doing at the office. I’m spending 15 minutes washing the dishes instead of listening to Arya complain about a decision made in a meeting that she wasn’t invited to. I spent twenty minutes going for a walk instead of being distracted by someone one cube over chatting about the new Marvel movie with someone else.

      There are lots of chores/errands I still do after hours, but it hasn’t impacted my work/life balance to do the shorter ones during the day if I still put on pants and shut my computer down at 5pm.

      1. Lily Rowan*

        Right — I’m in the office and someone just came to ask me a question, and instead of a quick IM, we spent 15 minutes chatting. But no one questions that use of time!

        1. Dawbs*

          And if you DON’T spend that time chatting, you’re considered cold/aloof/socially awkward/etc.
          Its considered a marketable skill to build relationships while chatting.

          All this seems like a double edged sword where workers always lose

      2. I went to school with only 1 Jennifer*

        ….so, at 5pm you put on your pants and shut off your computer? I’m over here (during a break from my wfh day, while also I’m eating a late lunch) guessing that maybe it’s really hot during the day where you are.

    3. Smithy*

      I have to say – this question kind of reminds me of this strip club that’s in the same area as a lot of generic office buildings where I work. At least before COVID, I always used to wonder who the people were who’d go there for their lunch buffet. This was very much a “downtown office worker” neighborhood, but presumably it lasted for years because they had business.

      My guess was that there was clearly a certain kind of 9-5er who must enjoy doing that. Now, going back to the office and talking about the floor show when others were saying they got Chipotle bowls for lunch wouldn’t be appropriate…..but I do think this kind of NSWF lunch hour activity has worked for some folks for a while. I kind of relate it to people who like to read books on their lunch break that they wouldn’t share with their coworkers?

      Would be a distraction for many, works for some, but it’s for the person who’s also ok withholding that kind of information from coworkers in a way that doesn’t stress them out.

    4. Anon4This*

      I have long had a job that routinely interferes with my life outside of business hours, which definitely means that I care less about my life bleeding into business hours.

    5. Tangerine steak*

      This gets to the heart of work life balance vs work life integration.

      For some people and jobs integration works really well. Especially if there’s strict defined tasks. If you take in ironing you can do it whenever before the deadline – be that in 1min stints spread over the day – or a single block.

      For others this leads to never stopping and never being off – or leaning too far the other way and never getting stuff done. Maybe doing the bare minimum to pass, but not actually achieving what’s really expected of you (and what you would do if you separated work and not work).

      If your work is flexible that going for a run / picking kids up / doing laundry while completely non contact is no issue you’re fine so long as you aren’t away more than acceptable, and the work is being done. However, you can’t allude to why you’re not answering the phone etc in the way you could say sorry was just picking the kids up.

      Just don’t file for workers comp if your amorous activity results in injury.

  9. Dovahkiin*

    When it’s done during the work day, it’s called a nooner or Afternoon Delight. In the words of the might Missy Elliot, “Ain’t no shame ladies, do your thing, Just make sure you ahead of the game.”

  10. Another Anon So I Don't Get Fired*

    Wait.

    I have sex all the time during work from home days. It has zero effect on my overall performance that is always top notch. (My career, not the sex stuff.)

    I thought everyone else did this without a second thought too?

    2. Shhhhh*

      If I’m not in a meeting and there’s nothing urgent, I can always take a quick break. I agree with you 100%

      Also, tee hee hee at your phrasing.

    3. anon for this (duh)*

      As someone who doesn’t have sex but does….an adjacent activity also while WFH, I get the reluctance around even broaching the boundary between your own personal sex life and work, even if very practically and functionally (not during on call or live time with clients, coworkers, or even in the middle of solo project work time) that’s not what’s happening. Like the risk is basically zero if you use common sense, but basically zero isn’t the same as zero (and what’s common sense can uh, vary).

    4. MotherofaPickle*

      Same. When my husband works from home, it’s pretty much guaranteed. He can and does work asynchronously, without deadlines, etc., which makes carving out some time a lot easier and with no repercussions.

    5. Nicole Maria*

      No, to me that’s so weird. I can’t even imagine wanting to do that during the workday, let alone actually doing it.

      1. Nicole Maria*

        As a supervisor this conversation is really freaking me out but I guess I will just try to erase it from my memory, I guess.

        1. Nonsense*

          I mean, the same questions Alison asked apply to your employees. Are they typically available when you need to reach out? Are they getting their work done on time and to standard? If yes, then it really doesn’t matter what they’re doing in their between time. We’ve got study after study after study prepandemic that showed people are really only actively productive about 5 hours a day anyway – the rest of their time was spent in idle activities. So you’ve always been paying employees to sit around the water cooler anyway.

        2. Dahlia*

          If you think about it too long a lot of things about your employees would probably freak you out. Do you spend a lot of time thinking about their long poop breaks?

        3. I AM a Lawyer*

          I don’t particularly want to interact in a work capacity with someone who has just had sex, but I am clearly in the minority.

          1. Le Sigh*

            I guess my question is, how do you know? If people are letting it interfere with their work or somehow making it obvious (ie, showing up looking disheveled or late/distracted, or making comments), that’s one thing. But if they’re compartmentalizing and keeping on top of everything, you’re not likely to know.

          3. Bast*

            You probably have and just have no clue. Plenty of people wake up, spend some spicy time with their SO, shower, and then go in to work.

            1. Nicole Maria*

              I mean sure, I’ve done that too, but in that situation there is time and physical distance separating the two things.

              Also why does it gotta be an SO? ;)

          4. AliceInSpreadsheetland*

            Considering the conversation is about sex while WFH, you’d never know unless they told you, or started going at it while they’re on camera and unmuted with you on a video call. Your ‘interactions’ with a WFH colleague are so filtered by technology that there’s really nothing that could happen unless your coworker decides to deliberately sexually harass you or has insanely poor judgement/timing. It’s not like you’re shaking their hand right after they’ve had it up someone else’s unmentionables. Is the problem with the ‘interaction’, even fully virtually, because having recently had sex confers some kind of metaphysical grossness onto a person that can be felt even through the computer?

        4. Le Sigh*

          Employees still had sex when they had in-office/on-site jobs, they just couldn’t do it during the work day. I assume you weren’t thinking about it before, so this isn’t really any different, in that sense — unless, as others have said, it’s interfering with their work or somehow making it obvious (ie, showing up looking disheveled or late/distracted, or making comments).

    6. Anon and get it on*

      I also do this! Not too frequently, and generally only when it’s a slow workday – I’ve absolutely turned down my partner because I needed to focus on work. I will say that I regularly take some 10min breaks alone to, ah, see to my needs.

    8. Anon4This*

      Same. I don’t really think about my coworkers having sex at all (and, thankfully, none are oversharers), but I just kind of assumed that whatever they do during their scheduled lunch breaks is not my business.

    9. No sex please I'm British*

      Nope. It has literally never occurred to me to do that.

      Sorry your sex life isn’t top notch though!

    10. Anonymous for this*

      Same here! I work from home most days and my husband has Fridays off. We have sex a lot! I don’t see it as any different than doing housework or exercising during my lunch break. Yes technically it’s his day off and I’m working but taking a break, but this is so normal to me I was surprised to see the question.

    11. Sarahnova*

      the husband and I are definitely a fan of the “work meeting” on days we both WFH :) we’re in the awkward “the kids are now awake distressingly late” stage and hey, you take your chances where you can get ’em.

      Both of us have highly skilled knowledge worker jobs where we often start early or finish late and it doesn’t really matter when work gets done as long as we make arranged meetings and deliver, so a 30 min break during the workday is really NBD.

    12. Anonananana*

      Well, obviously you need to be doing more practice so your sex stuff can be top notch also. Don’t want to get put on a Sex Stuff PIP or anything.

      1. The Not-An-Underpants Gnome*

        “Sex Stuff PIP” has me cry-laughing for multiple reasons, primarily the place where my brain immediately went after it replaced “Performance Improvement Plan” with…other words. XD

      2. I Have RBF*

        LOL!

        How in the hell would you even write that up? Who decides if you’ve completed the PIP successfully? Do they send you for training?

  11. MishenNikara*

    Whether you should or shouldn’t just remember you’re one forgotten mute away from an embarrassing situation

      1. Le Sigh*

        The issue for Toobin though is he was already in a meeting. I think if this letter was asking “can I mute myself and have some sexy times during a call” the answer would be a little different (ie, no don’t do that, be a little smarter and wait til your meetings are over).

    3. Rincewind*

      I would VERY much hope that this isn’t taking place during meetings or phone calls where that’s a possibility!

      1. Margaret Cavendish*

        I would definitely not assume that! Lots of people have their laptops in the bedroom. Or if the WFH “office” is in the livingroom, and the couch is *right there* when the mood strikes…

        1. KatCardigans*

          LW says that her husband is in the home office and she does not see him for most of the day, so this just seems like a stretch.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Yeah, I assume he’s leaving the office and they’re moving to an area away from there, or else it would be a very different letter!

    5. Irish Teacher.*

      I would assume they aren’t doing it in the same room as the one they work in and aren’t on a meeting or anything like that at the time. If they are, then yeah.

      But if they were taking a break from say working on an Excel spreadsheet, then this is unlikely to be an issue.

    6. Sex LW*

      Yikes! We do not do this in the home office, which is also a guest bedroom and also a place for quiet time when one of our kids needs to get away from the others… it’s a multipurpose space, but it is not a sexy space!

    7. Sherm*

      Yeah, I was thinking of those Mortification Week posts where people wound up naked on camera. You can recover from on-camera nudity. You probably can’t recover from coworkers watching you have sex. Be 200% careful that it couldn’t happen. (Not directed to LW, who confirmed that work computer and sex aren’t in the same room.)

      1. The Not-An-Underpants Gnome*

        Half the fun of that was watching the comments roll in from WWE wrestler R-Truth, who not only was riffing the proceedings but then proceeded to do a deliberate Instagram Live making fun of them.

  12. CityMouse*

    As long as you’re flexing around it like lunch break, meh? I wouldn’t tell anyone about it but as long as your timesheet is correct, you aren’t missing meetings or calls, I guess it’s not terribly different from those of us who go to the gym during lunch hour.

  13. Nina*

    The perfect lunch break! We take advantage of the days our dog walker takes our dog out for an hour, otherwise we’re never free of him… I get an hour lunch and my partner is self employed, so no qualms here at all.
    Also very good for the ol’ mental health that employers claim to care about so much.

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      Definitely, I’d file this under the “quality of life” improvements that come from working from home.

  14. Falling Diphthong*

    Yeah, so: This is a thing that is conceivably fine if you both keep quiet about it, and he is in fact not raising any “Why are you so unresponsive/unproductive on work from home days?” flags.

    Any extra task you accomplish while on the clock, that you tell everyone in the office about, is inviting judgment. Laundry has fallen into “normal and fine” along with “wait for plumber to arrive.” You’re usually expected to be off the clock for things like taking kids to school, exercising, playing Fallout, etc. Lots of people flex their hours to allow for those breaks–but it’s shifting the work time, not replacing it.

    Honestly I think the most side-eye is going to come from the perceived quickness of this quickie. “Five minutes, start to finish, tops” is a weird thing to confide to your coworkers. So just don’t talk about it.

    1. Htunus*

      She’s a SAHM. He’s only watching the baby for an hour or so on the day or two that he works from home while she takes older kids to school.

    2. Shhhhh*

      OP said husband watches baby while OP drives their older kids to preschool, then OP has the baby upon return.

    3. londonedit*

      He’s only watching the baby while she’s dropping the other children off at nursery etc. The rest of the time, he’s working in their home office.

      Personally I don’t see this as any different than, say, having a quick shower during the working day, or popping to the shops, or going for a run at lunchtime. If you have the sort of job where it’s just a case of getting your work done within your working hours, I don’t think it matters how that happens and I don’t think it matters if you’re taking the odd ‘break’. But there’s no need for anyone at work to know what you’re doing with that break.

      1. Nicole Maria*

        Have you never met a parent? There is no way a school drop-off or pickup takes 10 minutes if it’s in a car.

        1. sheworkshardforthemoney*

          Even a walk to the bus stop takes time. I did the school bus drop off and pick up for a neighbour when they had a newborn because getting a kid ready for school and then packing up the baby to take along was a lot of work. Just walking to the bus stop and waiting for the school bus was easily 20 minutes at both ends of the day.

        2. Empress Ki*

          I don’t think OP mentioned a car. There are at least 3 schools in my area. If I had kids, it would take me about 3mn walk each way to take them to the nearest school. It really depends where you live.

        3. Margaret Cavendish*

          Or it takes X minutes. I don’t think the specific duration matters – the point is it doesn’t take very long.

        4. Spencer Hastings*

          Depends on the location, probably. When I was a kid, it was probably about 10 minutes each way (and for some people maybe 5), but in a bigger city you might have a serious “commute” to school.

        5. doreen*

          It can , drop-off especially. When I dropped my kids off at school they got out of the car and I watched as they walked into the schoolyard – I was stopped about a minute. If the school had been a 5 minute drive, drop off would have taken 10 or 11 minutes. But the letter doesn’t mention a car – the closest school is under 200 feet from my house. I can walk there in less than a minute.

          1. So they all cheap ass rolled over and one fell out*

            We drop both of our kids off at their respective schools 10-15 minutes early for different reasons. That early, it takes one minute for them to get out of the car. if we had to sit through the crush of traffic at official drop off time, it would take ten to fifteen minutes.
            obviously, different people live different distances from their kids’ schools.

    5. Daughter of Ada and Grace*

      It sounds to me like he’s only watching the baby during school drop-off times (which may or may not fall during his working hours), and the OP watches the baby the rest of the time. I think the relevance of baby’s nap time is that nap time is when the OP is free.

      1. Commenter 505*

        Good point. My kids’ school day starts at 8:00, which gives me plenty of time to drive them to school, go back home, throw in a load of laundry, dress for work, and get to my office at 9:00. Or maybe 9:10.

    6. Whale I Never*

      It sounds like husband is only watching the baby when the LW is taking their older kids to and from school. Length of the trip and age of the baby may vary, of course, but I don’t think that’s enough to definitively say childcare is affecting his work, the way it would if he were the primary caregiver.

    7. Sex LW*

      Hi, I wrote the letter. He only works from home one or two days a week, and he only watches the baby while I drop the others off. In the morning, that happens during the time when he normally commuting, so no missed work time. In the afternoon, it can take 30-45 minutes, so he only does that if he is having a very slow day. Usually I take the baby with me for that one.

    8. RCB*

      Why are you questioning the OP’s version of things? You’re taking this letter in a different direction than the letter was intended and introducing issues that aren’t present in the letter, this isn’t helpful and doesn’t comport with the commenting rules for the site.

  16. Htunus*

    Changing my name to say I’ve absolutely done this, and I thought everyone did if they happen to be WFH at the same time as their partner! Despite the latent “this feels different” vibe about it being Sex, I really don’t think it’s any different from taking any other kind of leisure break during the day, like taking a walk or watching an episode of a TV show during lunch.

  17. Anon4this!*

    I think it also depends on how long the drop offs are. Meaning is he watching the baby for drop off and pick up during work hours? I’m guessing that is minimum 20-30 minutes or more each time so he’s also then not working or not focusing on work for a minimum 40 -60 minutes already during the work day. I can walk to my kids school in 10-12 minutes but even then getting them ready and out of the house and coming back takes me minimum 20-30 minutes and we live close to our school! After school kids want to play when they aren’t in after school or a club so honestly I would take longer to get home so this time your husband is watching the baby is also time away from work.

    As Alison said I think it depends on his work product at home and if the company looked into metrics from at home versus in the office/ if it’s hard to reach him during that time. And as Alison said if it’s a brief 10-15 minutes that is different than 30-60 minute situation since then your husband would technically be not working that period plus the period above. So I would also calculate that too. If it’s an occasional rather than every WFH day.

  18. Regina Phalange*

    Our couples therapist recently *encouraged* my husband and I to have sex during the work day, because it’s one of the only times we have when our daughter isn’t around (she goes to half day pre-K.) So there’s that…

  19. Vipsania Agrippina*

    As long as your husband counts it as break time I see no problem. For me it’s no different that going for a nap to rest, or doing some other type of exercice to get your head unclouded of thoughts.

    Let’s be honest, since sex can be quite relaxing it might even be good for his work!

  20. Shhhhh*

    Yeah, husband and I both work from home most of the time. Most days we are both way too busy, but if we both have a slow day? I’ll just take a really short lunch break. The total time away from my laptop is the same…

  21. Person from the Resume*

    I think it depends on what the expectations for your husband is while working from home.

    My job makes it clear we’re still supposed working the full hours of our workday. We are not an “as long as you get all your work” you can leave early or shift your hours. We’re not supposed to shift hours. Technically we get a 30 min lunch break and two other 15 minute breaks during the day.

    So this would be a clear no for my organization. But sex and “running a quick errand” and other non-work task that didn’t fit into your official breaks are not allowed.

    1. ferrina*

      Would it fit into lunch break though?

      Agree though that if these are his workplace’s expectations, he shouldn’t be away from his computer when he is supposed to be working. But this also really depends on the workplace expectations.

      1. a clockwork lemon*

        Unless they’re having Date Night At A Hotel levels of seduction, 30min seems like plenty of time. OP doesn’t mention there being any sort of coverage issue, and even with shift work your lunch break is your own and you’re generally not required to remain on-site for that break (I am sure there are exceptions but it’s very obvious that none of them are relevant to this letter).

  22. Czhorat*

    I suspect you’re overthinking this. It’s normal for their to be time you’re not working, and I agree with everyone who says that having sex with your husband is no different to the rest of your team than going for a walk around the block.

    All the reasons to not have sex in the office – and there are many – don’t apply if you’re off premise in your own space.

    1. Margaret Cavendish*

      So much overthinking – and I say this as a chronic overthinker myself! Calculating this, break time that – none of this matters. OP’s husband is an adult, with a certain amount of professional judgement and enough autonomy to WFH in the first place. Presumably he’s aware of any restrictions on his work, if he needs to be available at a certain time, or if he needs to submit the TPS reports in an hour, or whatever. If this is how he chooses to manage his time during the work day, then we can assume it’s fine!

  23. baseballfan*

    I think the accessibility question is the key one. Is he arriving late to meetings? Is he not accessible when someone needs him, assuming the culture is that you respond more or less right away to instant messages? Are deliverables being delayed?

    If not, then I agree it’s no different than running a quick errand (picking up a prescription at the drugstore, picking up a kid from school, or yes, putting on a load of laundry). Generally I think that when WFM, the more accessible you are and the more your accessibility aligns to how accessible you would be when in office, the less there is an issue.

  24. Which Sister*

    I need more than 2 hands to count the number of people I know from previous work places who were having sex, at the work place, and NOT with their spouses.

    And honestly, this is probably helping tremendously with your marriage. THREE SMALL KIDS. Get it in while you can.

    The same rule applies if he is having sex, doing laundry, playing skyrim, moving the sprinkler from the back yard to the side yard, if he is getting his job done then what he does is irrelevant.

  25. DramaQ*

    Well according to a former employer of my husband having sex at work is okay so long as the handbook doesn’t explicitly say you can’t!

    And when I say at work I mean on the production floor, during work hours, where a fellow employee walked in on it.

    The owner of the company was afraid said workers would sue if it didn’t expressly say in the handbook they couldn’t do what they did. Kinda figured don’t have sex on the production floor or you are fired was a given but maybe that is an Ask A Manager question?

    I told my husband apparently we’ve been going about work all wrong!

    At least you are doing it in the privacy of your bedroom. ;) Whatever he does on his lunch break is his business so long as whatever is going on doesn’t impact his work when he gets back (like getting inebriated and hopping on the forklift).

  26. sheworkshardforthemoney*

    Can he set his out of office message to say that he’s taking a 30/60 lunch break? That’s all anyone needs to know.

  27. OneAngryAvacado*

    I’m always of the opinion that as long as you’re getting your work done and reachable within a reasonable window, how you arrange your wfh is entirely up to you. I’ve never known a job where the company meets all of their obligations to employees 100%, so tbh I don’t see why employees should be 100% ‘on it’ throughout their working hours as long as they get done what needs to be done.

  28. Nicole Maria*

    Maybe this is just me, but I’m way too conservative for this (I’m speaking personally, not politically.) Just the idea seems super inappropriate even if no one were to find out, it’s just weird to me. It’s like how technically my boss can’t stop me from masturbating in the bathroom during work as long as the door is locked and nobody noticed, but why would I want do that?

    1. OneAngryAvacado*

      I mean, there’s a very clear difference between a public shared space and your own home. Work has invaded so much of our lives already: saying that because you work at home you should be treating that space as if it were shared company property (and not your own private property) is a really bad precedent to set.

      1. Nicole Maria*

        I guess that was a bad example, but presumably this guy is still having meetings and interacting with co-workers, etc.? The idea that someone could do that and then a few minutes later be in a meeting with me is way too icky for me to consider, sorry. I’m not going to try to stop them, they can do whatever they want, I’m just going to try to forget that this post/conversation exists haha.

        1. Sex LW*

          This is fair! I promise we aren’t talking about this with anyone; although I suppose I’m talking about it here, so…

        2. Hyaline*

          I think the “ick” factor is fair to consider here–like I wouldn’t be comfortable having sex and then immediately popping into a Zoom meeting–but I think it only goes one way. That is, you can consider your OWN personal ick factor, and choose not to engage in activities that would set it off, but you can’t dictate to other that they shouldn’t because if, hypothetically, you knew it happened, it would squick you out. What you don’t know doesn’t hurt you etc.

        3. Dahlia*

          Gently, I’m asexual, and the idea that talking to people who have had sex recently is “too icky to consider” is not a healthy mindset. That’s very, very extreme.

          1. I Have RBF*

            Seriously. What people do on their own time, even if it’s just a quick {whatever} over lunch is not my business. I’m ACE, and I just don’t want to know someone’s personal business like that. I assume adults are responsible for their own lives.

        4. Bast*

          But how would you know unless they made it obvious? You very likely have come into work in the morning and had a discussion with someone who just had some spicy time not that long ago and you never knew it.

        5. Emotional support capybara (he/him)*

          This is a deeply weird take. People are not having sex in private, in their own homes, at you.

          Signed,
          Another ace-spec person who is nevertheless really tired of *gestures helplessly* this

          1. Nicole Maria*

            That’s a weird read of my comment, obviously they’re not doing it “at me” because there’s hopefully no situation where I would find out

          1. Dahlia*

            Genuinely, how does this affect you at all? What if it wasn’t lunch? What it if was the morning, right after waking up, and they were in the office an hour later?

            You’re “allowed” to be a lot of things but that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth examining.

            1. Hey Anony Nony*

              I could never have sex in the middle of the day and then immediately return to work, and will also erase this whole comment section from my brain, but in answer to your question…it does not affect me! There are lots of things that other people do that do not affect me that make me uncomfortable (for varied reasons, not all of which are logical) but they are 100% free to continue doing those things. Sure I could discuss with my therapist why those things make me uncomfortable, or I could focus on the things that actually affect me instead of theoreticals.

              Humanity is a rich tapestry, this is a part that isn’t for me, and that’s totally fine that other people don’t care.

              1. Dahlia*

                Whether you or comfortable or not does not make it inappropriate, though, which is what the topline comment of this thread said.

                1. Nicole Maria*

                  I said it “seems inappropriate to me”. The way I personally feel about something isn’t the same as telling you what you should or shouldn’t do – it’s not about you.

          2. RagingADHD*

            I would respectfully suggest that if you are uncomfortable with the notion of people having sex at home during work hours, you might want to ask yourself why you chose to read a question with exactly those terms in the title.

            1. Nicole Maria*

              Well I was hoping Allison would say it’s not technically wrong, but that it’s also not really appropriate

        7. RagingADHD*

          Of course you aren’t supposed to be privy to it, but the very idea bothers you? I really am not trying to be mean here, but do you manage to get out in public and interact with other people very much?

          Does the idea that your grocery checker, veterinarian, or dentist might have been intimate with their spouse / partner immediately before their shift, or on a lunch break, bother you? How about your server in a restaurant, or the person doing your hair?

          I don’t know what your personal time limit of “ick” is about other people’s sex lives, but what if you had a work meeting at 7:30 or 8 in the morning? Do you think everyone should be in “work mode” all the time, in their own home?

          Sorry, but statistically you are interacting with people everywhere you go who have recently had sex. They aren’t doing anything wrong or icky by living their own lives.

          1. Nicole Maria*

            Immediately before their shift is different thank *during * their shift. I’ve done the former too, I imagine most adults have, but presumably cashiers and customer service folks aren’t doing it in the breakroom during their downtime.

    2. Nancy*

      A shared work bathroom is not the same as a person’s private home, unless you are inviting your coworkers over to work with you.

      I have no clue what my coworkers do during the day when they are at home and don’t care, as long as the work is done.

      1. Nicole Maria*

        You’re still working and interacting with co-workers presumably – just the idea that someone could do something like that and then ten minutes later be in a meeting with me is way too weird to think about, sorry. I agree that this letter writer can do whatever they want, I just hope I don’t have to think about it ever again.

        1. atalanta0jess*

          I hate to blow your mind, but everyone you interact with in the world could have been having sex ten minutes ago…

          1. Nicole Maria*

            Technically that’s true, although personally I don’t interact with that many people outside of my co-workers so it wouldn’t really come up.

            When I interact with a cashier or something hopefully they didn’t just have a quickie in the breakroom, although I guess technically anything is possible.

            1. NonnyNoMates*

              I’m not sure that’s the healthiest mindset to have. While it’s not necessarily *everyone’s* cup of tea, sex is a perfectly natural and (hopefully) fun part of life – demonising the act to the point where the notion of interacting with someone who’s just had sex really affects you like this is a very weird reaction. If everyone’s being hygienic/cleaned up after themselves/not making awkward comments, why on earth does it matter?

            2. Le Sigh*

              I guess…why does it matter if someone had sex this morning before work v. at lunchtime, right before your meeting? It’s not for everyone — and some people are better at compartmentalizing — but 15 min v. right before leaving for work doesn’t really make much of a difference.

            3. Dahlia*

              If your coworkers wake up at 7am, they could have sex first thing in the morning and still get to the office by 9am. People have sex. It’s not usually about you.

            4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I am literally a sex-repulsed asexual person and I find your pearl clutching super weird. Just saying.

        2. I Have RBF*

          As long as they don’t bring it up in the meeting, who cares? It’s nobody’s business but theirs.

    3. Anon for This*

      Why? Because your attention to work is flagging when you can’t stop thinking about… that person or scene or whatever. So you need to take the edge off. But, you have to use the private, individual bathroom, and wash up and groom well afterward so no one could know.
      Well, you asked.

  29. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    I snorted at the headline, cackled at “(and I never thought I would compare sex and laundry)” and HOWLED at “and of course if it’s his lunch break you can get it on with impunity.” Thank you. :)

  30. WorkInnit*

    Honestly, I think you’re overthinking it. If it’s the type of work where he needs to be reachable all day, then yes, it’s an issue.

    If he has lots of time during the day where he does his work without having to be reachable and he can complete all his work at good quality and on time while having a liaison with you in between for motivation and team building (as you as a couple are undoubtedly a team), then it’s not an issue.

    Nobody needs to know.

  31. a clockwork lemon*

    When I was in college we called lunch break sex a “nooner” (ex., “So and so is having a nooner so I can’t go back to the room until after my 1pm class”) and I am in the camp that if you want to have a quickie during what would ordinarily be a lunch/laundry/exercise break, you are consenting adults who can absolutely do that.

    If it makes y’all feel better to frame it as a workout in your heads, it may feel less weird? Very few people would bat an eye if they found out that your husband takes 30-45min somewhere in the midday window to go for a run or take a yoga class.

  32. AthenaC*

    “Is he doing well at his job?”

    My first thought here was asking if he was doing a good job …. in bed. Because, see, if he was only doing a mediocre job it’s probably not worth the risk, but if he’s doing a really good job then you definitely want to make the time between meetings.

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      “You’ve only received a meets expectation on bedroom activity this year, so we’re going to have to skip the lunchtime quickies until our post-work encounters improve.”

  33. S*

    Speaking as a parent of young kids…this can sometimes be the only good time to do it. By the time the kids are in bed for the night, you’re usually too tired! (Especially the parent who took the lead on childcare that day. You get “touched out”.)

    1. Sex LW*

      This. This right here. I’m not pulling him out of meetings for this! But if I wait until 9 pm we are both crashing!

  34. Joyce to the World*

    I am salaried and WFH. Who gets a lunch? I haven’t had a full 1 hour lunch in years. Not even a 30 min lunch. I end up grabbing something and eating during a meeting. My organization likes to schedule meetings from 11 AM straight through to 3 PM. I put in way more time than 8 hours. I think it is OK as long as you are discrete and it doesn’t interfere with work. Excuse me while I go put a load of laundry into the dryer.

    1. Caramel & Cheddar*

      This –especially when I’m WFH, I tend to eat in front of my computer while doing other work. A full hour for lunch is rare, and since most employers don’t seem to mind you working through lunch, I think it’s fair to claw back that time in other ways if it’s not impacting anything.

      1. Joyce to the World*

        I think it is a cultural/structural thing at my org to not take a lunch if WFH and salaried. I remember the one guy, newer to his role as salaried, who had the nerve to block out an hour on his calendar for lunch. It didn’t last long. I also do not want to be that person audibly chewing on the phone and grossing people out because I forgot to mute my phone. So, I tend to do a “2nd breakfast” before all the calls start.

        1. Bast*

          Honestly, that sounds like a terrible culture to work in. If I got flack for taking a lunch break, I’d be looking for a new job.

      2. Radioactive Cyborg Llama*

        What are you basing that on, though? I feel like not taking lunch (i.e. working while eating) is at least as common as taking lunch. And people who can WFH are more likely to be knowledge workers/professionals whose time is more likely to be flexible.

      3. Le Sigh*

        I’m sure plenty of people are able to to take lunch, but I don’t think eating at your computer is all that unique either. I frequently eat at my desk while working, as do a lot of my coworkers and other friends in my field.

        I won’t defend this — there’s a series work/life balance issue with my job and in my field, and I’m thinking a lot about what I do next. But I have not found it to be uncommon, and it’s part of what contributes to my attitude that if you want this level of flexibility from me, then you need to offer it in return and don’t ask too many questions if I sneak off early for a doc appt or a walk.

    3. ThatGirl*

      I mean, you not getting a lunch break sounds like a combination of a culture/department and you problem – there are plenty of folks who get a consistent break most or all of the time.

      1. Joyce to the World*

        I don’t know that it is a “me” problem, but definitely a cultural and structural problem. Plus we are nationwide and people are in different time zones. So, it is a way to have every one participate. Believe me, I am not wasting away from starvation, I have learned to work around it.

    5. allathian*

      Thankfully people at my org are expected to block at least 30 minutes for lunch. I work in a unionized environment, and a 30-minute lunch break is mandatory according to our collective agreement. I usually take an hour or 45 minutes, sometimes longer if I’m at the office. Managers in meeting-heavy jobs always block off lunch.

  35. ChurchOfDietCoke*

    “Is he doing well at his job?”

    Well, OP seems to have multiple small children, so I’d say he’s doing rather well at his job… ;)

  36. Anon for This*

    I always wanted to do this when my husband and I both worked from home but it was too difficult for me to get out of a work headspace in enough time to have good sex and then get back into a work headspace. My mental state matters a lot for both work and play (lol). I absolutely don’t see anything wrong with this though; as long as you’re getting your work done it’s no different than running an errand to me. It’s just another flexible work perk!

    1. Myrin*

      That’s honestly what’s most astounding to me about this question/the comments who say they also do this – I can’t imagine just flipping a “sex switch” like this in the middle of the day. But then again I’m on the asexual spectrum so possibly I’ve just now encountered the first situation ever where I truly couldn’t comprehend how allosexuals feel.

      1. Anony*

        I think it probably comes down to how your brain works and what your day is like. If I’m in back-to-back meetings all day and scrambling on deadlines, it’s unlikely I’ll be able to flip the switch even after work is over for the day. But if it’s quiet and I’m just getting stuff done, it’s a lot easier.

  37. Liz the Snackbrarian*

    Because of the nature of the activity, I’m more inclined to say it should be on unpaid breaks than a chore like doing dishes. My barometer is if you were doing dishes in the office kitchen on paid time, people might say, “Yeah that’s courteous and an appropriate use of time” whereas I can’t think of a context where in person it’d be like “Oh you’re having sex/masturbating? Totally cool, carry on.” But really, if it’s not interfering with work activities, I say go for it.

  40. Obviously Anoymous*

    I have done this exactly once, and it’s the reason we have a second child. As an old parent, those windows of opportunity are small and you have to, uh, shoot your shot in those few chances you have.

  41. Kiitemso*

    I wonder if this same letter writer sent the same letter to someone like Dan Savage to see what he would say. I personally think it’s fine. Me and some girlfriends were talking how we have “Let off steam” during wfh lunches, especially during COVID when things were tough mentally. As long as it’s away from the work space (no Teams camera mishaps), work gets done otherwise, and it’s within reason (you’re not doing tantric sex sessions), it’s definitely fine.

  42. Angstrom*

    IF your work is ok with using PTO or flextime for appointments or other personal activities…it’s a personal activity. If you’re accurate about reporting your hours it’s none of their business how you spend the time off.

    1. Blackberries be gone*

      I hope it’s OK because my spouse and I do this once a week when they have the day off. I always choose it as one of my two hybrid days a week.

      I actually don’t quite care if it’s OK. If it’s not, I’ll unfortunately have to tender my resignation. Because forget the 20-30 minutes sex takes. I need to be able to take an hour plus 20-30 minutes, to drive myself or a kid to a doctor’s appointment and back to school/work. To pick up a kid from school and finish the day from home. My family has become pretty addicted to that level of schedule flexibility. If I didn’t have it, I’d have to start working freelance or at least one of my spouse or I would have to quit our jobs to be a stay at home parent.

      Thankfully, both our jobs offer this level of flexibility and some level of self-determination of which hours we work each week as long as we get our work done.

  43. Turquoisecow*

    I think people think sex is not okay but laundry is because laundry is a necessity and it’s not fun. Replace sex with video games, an activity done purely for fun. Is it okay to take breaks during the workday to play a video game? (Assuming that it’s a quick 10-15 minute break like doing laundry would be, and not a long session, because I assume for the purposes of this question that the sex would be quick as well.)

    Answers will vary. If you’re responsive and getting work done then short breaks for fun-only stuff is fine. Even in the office, you grab a coffee, you make a personal call, you chat with a coworker friend, maybe you read or play a game on your phone. If you’re not productive and responsive, the boss is within their rights to say “hey you’re goofing off too much, I need you to answer phone calls/emails/IMs faster than you are. If you’re in the break room or your car or your bedroom down the hall having sex when something is happening work-wise that you should be paying attention to, it’s a bad look also. If you come back in two minutes, “sorry I was in the bathroom, putting wash in the dryer, grabbing a coffee?” Fine. “Sorry I was finishing this race in MarioKart, talking to my friend, having sex?” Ehhh.

    2. Caramel & Cheddar*

      I think so much of this depends on your job! I don’t play video games, but my job requires a lot of problem solving-style thinking, which sometimes means I take time away from my desk to work through a problem. Changing up my environment while thinking about something can often help me break through on a solution, and I could actually see 15 mins of video games being something that could help with that if that was a way I liked to spend my time.

      I’m reminded how on Mad Men, Don used to just disappear to the movies all the time as a way of shaking up the cobwebs in his brain when he couldn’t crack the gist of a campaign. I’m not saying people should go to the movies, but it’s an example of a) finding an alternate way to do parts of your job that require your brain more than your desk, and b) how so many jobs might benefit from a lot more flexibility than they’re afforded.

        1. HonorBox*

          I’ve solved many, many problems while cutting my lawn. I’ve stopped the mower to pull out my phone and type some notes even. The change of setting can be extremely helpful.

      2. Turquoisecow*

        Oh yeah and it also is going to depend a lot on the sort of job you have. An ad executive who brings in millions stepping away for the afternoon to think about something (or have sex) is going to be very different than a data entry clerk or an admin or someone else lower down the chain doing the same.

      3. Humble Schoolmarm*

        I agree with your point, but I’m also imagining have a work-related breakthrough in the middle of an intimate encounter and giggling like a fiend.

        1. Festively Dressed Earl*

          Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. – Albert Einstein, allegedly.

      4. Mgguy*

        At a previous job, I did a lot of problem solving type work too. I’d often also have work-related errands and such to run.

        If I was stuck on a problem and also had something to walk to the other end of campus(this was on a college) or needed to run somewhere in town, that was a perfect time to do it. If I DIDN’T have anything like that needed doing, I’d just tell my boss “Hey, I’m stuck on this-I’m taking a walk” and more often than not, I’d come back 20-30 minutes later with an answer.

        And yes I’ve solved a LOT of issues, work or otherwise, walking the dog, mowing the yard, or working on the car(or tinkering with SOMETHING). The last one can be tricky since depending on what I’m doing, I may be engaging the same “problem solving” part of my brain that I need for other tasks. At the same time, exercising that part of my brain for a different task can make the main task easier to fix.

        With that said, “sexy time” is a different part of my brain, and I can’t say I’ve ever solved a problem related to something else at that time(and I want my brain totally focused on my partner, not somewhere else). From a problem solving perspective, though, sometimes just a mental diversion like that can be therapeutic, but I don’t think it would work for me. During that time, if I were to exclaim “I’ve found it!”, well the “it” I’ve found would probably not be the solution to a problem(and I don’t think my wife would appreciate me shouting that out for any reason…regardless of whether or not I’d found “something”).

  45. nnn*

    I think that the important nuance is that, in terms of what your co-workers can perceive, you should look exactly like you aren’t having sex during your workday.

  46. DoneThis*

    Have at it! Don’t say anything to coworkers. Don’t let mommy and daddy time extend beyond regular lunch or break time. And don’t forget to close the camera / mic on the computer. But otherwise, enjoy.

  49. Tammy 2*

    I’m just going to say, I have definitely gotten stuck in small-talk conversations at the office that took longer than even fairly elaborate sex.

  50. Jeanine*

    Geeze I never thought about this one, now I am curious what my co workers are up to when they have a break lol. Personally I never do and wouldn’t even consider sex during a work day. But that’s just me.

  52. Potsie*

    If he is on break and the break is within the allowed amount of time, it is no one’s business. If he is just disappearing, it is problematic. But it is problematic the same way disappearing to do any other non-work related thing would be.

  53. SassyPants*

    Wait when I lived two blocks from the office I shouldn’t have gone home for a “lunch break” from time to time?

    1. Margaret Cavendish*

      I was going to say the same. Definitely did that when I lived walking distance from my work, and my husband had a different work schedule to mine. Often times I came home for lunch and he was still in bed – neither of us was going to pass up that opportunity!

  54. Melon Merengue*

    I remember seeing articles when the pandemic was in full swing about how people are doing LAUNDRY or taking WALKS or even, god help us all, having SEX during mandatory WFH. It all comes from those types who want everyone back in-office ASAP and fearmonger other bosses about their employees slacking off at home. Just get the TPS report to me on time, don’t tell me what you’ve been doing, and we’re good to go.

  55. Anon for This*

    my sweetheart and I do this whenever our hybrid schedules line up correctly. I really strongly believe that humans are animals and we operate best when we have a minimum of artifice to the contrary. it’s good to be intimate at different times of the day just like it’s good to eat a varied diet and combine weight training with cardio.

  56. Alva*

    The difference between laundry and sex is that you can pick up the phone during laundry and head back to your desk if needed. If your phone rings during sex are you either going to ignore the call until you’re done, or like … pause the sex and pick up the phone? The latter feels all kinds of icky & the former not very professional. I don’t want to be chatting with a co-worker who unbeknownst to me is mid-shag.
    That said, this only applies if you have the kind of job where you need to be available – if you work freelance or your time is otherwise your own, then whatever, and lunch hour feels like fair game.

    1. NonnyNoMates*

      I feel like also a loooot of people’s jobs are less urgent than we con ourselves into being. Most of us aren’t firefighters or heart surgeons. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t get back to someone straight away.

      Like, obviously use your judgement here: if you’ve got a big report on and people are waiting on you to get everything sent through then yeah, this might not be the afternoon to bust out the Karma Sutra. But if it’s an average workday and you’re just working on spreadsheets – meh. Responding to a few emails an hour later than you might not otherwise have done is not going to tank your entire company.

    2. Dahlia*

      If you’re on the toilet and your phone rings, are you going to waddle into your office with your pants around your ankles to answer it? What if you’re eating lunch, do you finish chewing or not?

      1. Alva*

        Nature’s call obviously takes priority over your boss’s, but I feel like most sex lasts longer than the average bathroom break? If I’m unreachable at home for more than, say, 15 mins (lunchtime excepted), I’d probably apologise for that when I call someone back.

  58. Boring AF*

    Today during my WFH lunch break, I cleaned the fish tank, did laundry, and started dinner. I’m so mundane.

  59. Audiophile*

    Going back to pre-pandemic times, I’ve had a few jobs where I had the flexibility to work from home, sometimes unofficially. I definitely used it to my advantage—doing laundry, taking a cat nap, running errands, grabbing lunch out, and even seeing a movie once. I knew I was getting my work done, even excelling in my job, and doing the majority of the tasks of my two supervisors.

    Once I left that job, I was much more risk-averse. However, this was not because I wasn’t good at my new job but because the culture was toxic, and it was a new job, so I hadn’t built up clout.

    All that said, in none of my jobs have I ever felt so secure as to have sex on the clock. One could argue, I’m sure, that it’s less risky than leaving the house for a movie or grocery shopping, but it feels more dangerous. I don’t know why.

    1. Greg*

      I think the reason why is fairly obvious: If somehow your manager were to learn about it, it would make you look very bad in a way that going to the gym or picking up groceries would not. You can argue logically that it shouldn’t make a difference, but I don’t think any of us can say with a straight face that they would view those scenarios the exact same way

      1. Greg*

        To be clear, I don’t have any problem with couples doing this while on the clock. But I agree with Alison that they absolutely should not give their managers any reason to suspect that’s what’s going on, mostly because no manager should ever have reason to know details of their employee’s sex life

  60. Doesn't matter.*

    Sex is like any other activity for exercise. No one would think twice about going for a walk with a partner or to a cycling class, or a sparring boxing workout. Sexual exceptionalism is a relic for a puritan victorian sexual era.

  61. AnonInCanada*

    So long as they’re not doing the horizontal cha-cha on the desk in the middle of a Zoom call (then again, that would be one way to spice up an otherwise dull meeting), and as long as it’s not impacting their productivity, who cares if they’re having a little nookie during the work day? As most others have said, it’s no different from taking a pause to put a load of laundry in the washer, or taking the kids to school or the dog for a walk. This isn’t 1950, where sex was a dirty word and it was only done to procreate!

  63. Storyline*

    I’m surprised at Allison’s response, especially the immediate nope.

    I don’t think it’s your company’s business what you do on your breaks. The OP didn’t mention taking an inordinate amount of time, so I don’t see the issue. Enjoy a work from home perk, one day a week. Sounds like your partner is a dedicated worker. Live your life and enjoy it, that’s my thought.

  64. Hyaline*

    My logic map:
    1) If you work in-office, is it ok to take a lunch break? Yes–in fact, it’s often required.
    2) Is it ok to leave work to take your lunch break? Yes, if you were working at an office you could certainly leave and get lunch elsewhere.
    3) Presuming your home was close enough, could you go home for lunch on your lunch break? Yes, this is in practice no different than going out to eat.
    4) If while at home, you engaged in somethin’ somethin’ with your spouse who was also home, whether on break as well or because they stayed at home, is that ok? Yes, as long as you’re back to work in time. It’s in your home on your own time.

    And if that’s true for in-office, why wouldn’t be it be true for WFH too? As long as it’s happening on time that could be considered yours (lunch or other break) and you’re “back at work” on time, why not?

  65. Econobiker*

    Nothing different from one spouse going home during lunch time and meeting up with the other spouse for a “noon-er” together. I’d done this years ago with my ex-wife when I worked about 10 minutes away and she worked 5 minutes away from our house.

    And I’d gotten the idea from one of my former workplaces that a couple who were “secretly” dating when his house was about 10 minutes away from the office of them returning slightly disheveled after a “noon-er”.

  66. Elle*

    Simply schedule a meeting so colleagues know you’re not available, no probs. (How long you schedule the meeting for impacts my respect for you on this matter).

  67. anon of course for reasons*

    Neither of us work from home, but as a fellow parent of young kids, I would absolutely do this if I was in your position! It’s so hard to find time with young kids. I’d say obviously keep it to “quickie” status but otherwise, whatever. I used to work from home, and I took breaks for random stuff all the time and my work performance was stellar.

  68. the Viking Diva*

    All of AAM letters can now be read in new ways. Can’t meet job expectations? Wondering how to be a high performer? Unclear expectations for deliverables? Invasive security issues on your laptop? Coworker “answers the phone” too quick? We’ve got it all right here….

  69. Anon for today*

    I would not judge anyone for having sex at home during a break from work. I’ve done this during a lunch break when working in office (home was 5 min drive away) and when working from home. what folks get up to on their breaks is none of my business. As long as they don’t tell me, I’m good.

  71. Sneaky Squirrel*

    If it would normally be okay for LW to take that time off for something personal such as an unexpected maintenance person at the door or an unexpected child care issue, then I don’t see this as anything different. In this scenario, I’m assuming that LW either has the ability to make up their working hours or that this is how they’re using their designated break time. It’s only an issue if there’s time theft happening.

    1. Mgguy*

      If far too many videos I watched as a teenager were any indication, “maintenance person at the door”…well maybe I’d better not say any more…

  72. No name for obvious reasons*

    During the pandemic when we were both working from home, my mother, who was in our bubble, would take our two kids after their online schooling and go to the park or for a walk a couple of days a week. So my husband and I would then “take our lunch break.” I don’t think our marriage would have survived otherwise! Especially since our youngest had a lot of anxiety related to the pandemic and wanted to sleep in our bed.

  73. Ellis Bell*

    I think this is fine as long as you add a couple of caveats:
    1) Don’t choose times when colleagues might be counting on being able to reach you.
    2) Don’t let it affect general work output (I feel like a pun about output Vs putting out should go here).
    3) Don’t be obvious. Like, if you’re disheveled when joining a zoom meeting, or forget to turn your camera off before “nap time”. See the letter about the engaged colleague cheating with her boss for details about how not to do sex during work hours.
    4) The first rule of sexy WFH club is you don’t talk about sexy WFH club. One of the reasons 1 is so important is because you can explain being unreachable if it was a package delivered, not so much if it was a package unwrapped (sorry!)

  74. The Not-An-Underpants Gnome*

    I am giggling so hard at “get it on with impunity” that I absolutely HAVE to steal it for a fanfic.

    No I will not say which fandom lol.

  77. 1-800-BrownCow*

    I’m going with the majority here (at least the majority based on comments I saw) and say I don’t think it’s a big deal, IF it’s not interfering with critical project work (ex skipping a meeting for sex) or billing a client based on hours worked and counting that time towards those billable hours. I’m guessing/assuming sexy time isn’t lasting 1-2 hours or more per session and if it is, dang, where do you get the energy??? To me, this is happening in the privacy of your own home and no different than being in the office and taking mental breaks from work to chat with a coworker or get some coffee or discussing how your favorite sports team performed this past weekend. I know of a handful of WFH people who are often working various hours of the day because they either have a hard time disconnecting at the end of the day or their work has them busy at all sorts of odd hours and they don’t need to be present from 8 to 4 or whatever normal office hours are for them. So an hour here or there during the normal office hours are actually spent doing other things, but late evenings or early mornings when office people are sleeping or spending time with family/watching tv/at the gym, etc., are back on computers doing their work.

    I don’t know LW’s husband’s specific situation, but I defer back to if sex is not interfering directly with work, then I say go for it and enjoy! And please do so in a different room from the work computer and phone so no one else accidentally catches a show!

  80. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

    A coworker had a video interview the other day with a panel of interviewers. She maintained incredible composure as a scantily clad gentleman stepped into frame and the relevant interviewer had to awkwardly shoo him away.

    WFH has pleasures and perils.

  81. Morning Reader*

    I think you’re fine having sex during the work day, as long as it doesn’t take more time than the usual break time. The coffee break sex is called a quickie. Lunch hour sex is a nooner. We had terms for this kind of thing way back in the day so it’s not a new thing. At least you’re not doing it in the supply closet a la Grey’s Anatomy! The radical thing is that you’re doing it with your husband. It would be more traditionally work appropriate if you could at least pretend to be having an affair. LOL.

  82. Just sayin'*

    Make sure your husband’s work laptop is in a different room, in case there is spyware for work productivity on it that he is unaware of…..

  83. notagirlengineer*

    I just want OP to know that they aren’t the only ones taking advantage of work from home in this way. If you are already meeting the demands of your jobs and the short break leaves everyone refreshed and clear headed, then it is all good.

  84. Ed 'Massive Aggression' Teach*

    Just been reminded of a TV ad for certain little blue pills that features a husband hoovering in the background while his wife logs onto a teleconference meeting. He gives his wife a Look, she closes the laptop… and when she opens it again she’s visibly dishevelled, slightly out of breath, and claiming she doesn’t know what happened there, her wifi connection failed… I would say try to be slightly more subtle than the wife if at all possible.

    (My work preaches self care. I therefore see nothing wrong with a little self care on my afternoon break…)

  85. George Costanza*

    Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell ya, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon… you know, cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I tell you people do that all the time.

  86. AnonforThis*

    My partner has worked at home on Fridays for the past 9 years. I am fulltime WFH (I’m a freelancer). Best believe that daytime shenanigans are a weekly Friday event at our house :-) I’m in agreement with those saying that by far the bigger issue would be telling coworkers or your boss about said activities – that would be inappropriate and potentially even harassing. As long as said activities don’t lead to extensive periods of unavailability or cause you to miss meetings / commitments, I can’t see how it’s any different from nipping down to the post office or doing laundry or any other such thing that my partner’s WHF Policy explicitly calls out as “acceptable provided they do not interfere with performance of duties”.

  88. Throwaway Account*

    I just came here to say that Alison said things in this column that I never expected to hear together or ever expected to hear her say.

  89. Anon For This*

    My husband has ADHD. Some of his very most productive days are when he is WFH and says “aaah I can’t be bothered to [task]” and I say “if you finish [task] by [arbitrary but tight deadline] you can look at my butt”. He finds that kind of incentive very motivating.

  90. Mgguy*

    Back during COVID work from home days…well my wife and I were also newlyweds. She is a nurse, so works in person 3 days a week. I was home every day, but the nature of my job is that outside of set, standing obligations I’m very much on a “get your work done” schedule. Let’s just say it happened a lot of days she was home…

    Even now, I’m required in-person Monday-Thursday and our union contract just requires that I work 5 days a week(without saying what those days are). For most people that’s Friday, and it usually is for me too. We also have a toddler, and we don’t arrange childcare on Fridays my wife is off. Friday afternoon naptime for the baby can be…well…a fun time for all.

  91. AfternoonDelight*

    I have have left work to go home and have sex with my wife. I work ten minutes from where I live and get an hour off for lunch. I just tell my coworkers I’m going out for a bite… They don’t need to know where that bite is. I’m occasionally a few minutes late coming back from lunch about which my boss doesn’t care.

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