Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Interviewer pressed me about the presidential election

I had my first job interview since the pandemic started. It took place the day after Election Day. After the usual small talk of hi and thank you’s, the hiring manager proceeded to talk about the presidential election results and asked what I thought about all the allegations being thrown about, before voicing their support for one of the candidates. They kept saying “don’t you agree?” I was stunned, but chuckled awkwardly and thanked them a second time for the opportunity to interview. The hiring manager commented on my non-answer and said, “I guess we’re not going to get an answer.” The interview then turned tense — they asked me one question and let me ask one question of them before abruptly cutting the interview short (it was scheduled for an hour as it was a higher level role, but lasted less than 15 minutes). The hiring manager emailed me around 3 am the next morning saying they hired another candidate. I know I dodged a bad situation, but what is a good way to handle things like this in the future? I’ve never had an interviewer ask me to comment on politics. Also, the job had nothing to do with politics or writing about politics. It was for a business operations and logistical type role.

That’s incredibly inappropriate — but just as the interview is supposed to be an opportunity for them to learn about you, it’s also an opportunity for you to learn about them. And you learned a lot about their (lack of) professionalism and boundaries, and what it would probably be like to work there. They were rude and wasted your time, but it’s good that they didn’t hide any of that until you were actually working there. (Also, I love that the rejection email was at 3 am — was the hiring manager stewing about it in the middle of the night?)

If something like this happens again, any polite answer is fine because a reasonable interviewer will accept it. One who doesn’t is giving you important info. Personally I’d go with “Ha, I know better than to discuss politics in an interview!” or “You’re not going to get me talking about that in a first meeting” — said cheerfully and as if of course that will be the end of it. If they actually do have good reason for asking — the job is more political than you realized, for example, or you are actually interviewing for a lobbying job and no one told you that — they can explain at that point.

2. I was undercover-bossed

I work in the healthcare field. After a period where our clinic was without a permanent supervisor, we were notified that a new supervisor had been hired and would be starting in the next month or so but not given much other information. One day, two coworkers and I were working in a common area and were approached by a woman who struck up a conversation with us. Our clinic has employees who work in and out of the office, and there are always new faces and staff members I don’t always know. My coworkers and I asked this woman if she was new, some general questions about what position she had been hired for, and if she had started seeing clients. She gave vague answers but insinuated that she was working in the same program as us. The conversation was sort of strange since she was asking us a lot of questions about ourselves and our experiences working with the company, but I didn’t think too much of it.

After about 10 or 15 minutes of talking, she introduced herself as our new supervisor and launched into an explanation of how not revealing who she is when she first meets someone is a tool she likes to use to see if people will tell her things or be more open and honest with her if they don’t know her role when they first meet. My coworkers and I were astounded that she was using a strategy that we felt was deceitful and dishonest.

Since this first impression, I have had a hard time trusting this person’s intentions or feeling comfortable with her in her supervisory role. I keep thinking, “Is this a normal or acceptable way to start a professional relationship with employees?” Am I wrong for now having my guard up in my interactions with her?

It’s understandable that you feel wary and don’t fully trust her! She started your relationship by showing she was willing to deceive you.

And there’s not that much she could learn in 10-15 minutes of small talk! (Unless you were wildly unprofessional and starting dishing dirt on the company/colleagues/managers with a complete stranger. Was she hoping for that?) It’s true that sometimes people are different around the boss than they are with someone they don’t know, but not so often that it justifies starting the relationship off on the wrong foot. There are other ways to learn about a team you’re new to.

It’s possible that this isn’t representative of your new boss’s approach to the people she manages, but she’s going to have a harder time building trust with y’all than she would have had otherwise.

3. How do I leave without looking unreliable to my team?

Earlier this year, I was hired by a company abroad for a position that excites me (and would bring me closer to family) but travel restrictions prevented me from entering the country. The company said they would hold the job for me, as they really wanted someone with my skill set and experience, but they couldn’t afford to pay me in the interim (it’s not a job that can be done remotely). Having no idea how long travel restrictions would last, I started applying for temporary work until borders reopened.

One day, I got a call from a manager who had seen my application for a temporary job at a sister company. He said he was extremely impressed and invited me to interview for a permanent position with him. I was up-front with him about the job abroad and how I was only applying for temporary positions, but he responded positively. He said having someone with my experience on his team for even a little bit would benefit the entire organization and that he hoped I would consider it. He put in writing that I would be released from my contract and duties when borders reopened, and I accepted the position. I felt incredibly blessed and fortunate to have this opportunity fall into my lap!

I love working under my manager, but I have not hit it off so well with most of my teammates. Many complain constantly about, well, everything, including Manager. There are a lot of office politics and negativity, and some seem to always have a problem with our manager’s decisions. I never mentioned the other job to anyone here because a) I had no idea how the corona situation would play out and b) I’ve tried to minimize chatting with coworkers because it is such a gossipy/negative environment.

Now, border restrictions have been eased and my original company is preparing for me to come within the next couple months. I have no problem talking with Manager about this, but I’m terrified about bringing it up with my teammates. If I just say I’m resigning but don’t mention my agreement with Manager, I worry I’ll look flaky and unreliable for leaving a contract job and damage my reputation. But if I do mention that Manager and I had an understanding, I’m worried I’ll be throwing him under the bus and some people will use this as further ammunition against him.

Thinking about having these conversations fills me with dread and anxiety. How do I break the news to not only my team, but the dozens of other people I also work with? Do I avoid mentioning Manager and just say that HR was aware of the situation? And can I wait until my visa paperwork is finalized, or am I obligated to bring it up now?

I think you are over-thinking this! Just be matter-of-fact: “Yeah, it was always intended as an X-month contract; we’d negotiated that from the start.” Say it casually and as if of course it’s no big deal, because it’s not. As for when, with this group I’d probably just treat it like any other resignation and announce it two weeks before you’re set to leave.

If you’re really worried they’ll somehow use this against your boss, you can check with him first — “is there any particular messaging you want me to use when I explain to people that I’m leaving and that our plan was always for the role to be short-term?” But really, if he wanted to hide this from them, you’d probably know (and he probably wouldn’t have done it).

4. How to withdraw from consideration because of a sexist hiring manager

One of my former coworkers, Theon, is trying to bring me on board at his current company. Theon and I always had a good working relationship, and are friendly outside of work as well. He also referred me to my current job and is a big cheerleader of mine, which I appreciate. I am reasonably happy where I am now, but always open to chatting about new opportunities, so I said I would consider it and asked if it made sense for him to submit my resume to get the ball rolling.

Instead of submitting my resume, he suggested that I call the hiring manager directly. This is how I found out that the hiring manager is Ramsay, another former coworker and the bane of my existence for the time that we worked together. I knew Ramsay worked at the same company as Theon, but when we all worked together, they were in a separate chain of command, so I assumed that would continue to be the case at the potential new gig. Not so.

Ramsay was, to put it plainly, a total nightmare to work with. Besides drawing a verbal sexual harassment claim from a woman at my current company, he was sexist in more “old-school” ways — for example, frequently asking younger women he didn’t manage to summarize information that he could easily find himself. He was also disrespectful of others’ time — scheduling last-minute, early-morning meetings including everyone under the sun, for non-urgent items, that he would then come late to/expect others to lead. He would also chastise his own employees about perceived mistakes in front of everyone in our small open office. I could go on.

Just having to work with this man gives me pause, but I could absolutely not tolerate him as my manager. How can I respectfully withdraw from consideration, without burning bridges with either Theon or Ramsay? (Ramsay also had a fairly high opinion of me, and is more senior/well connected.)

If you don’t want to get into the details with Theon, the easiest way is to just tell him you’ve thought it over and decided to stay in your current job for now.

Alternately, though, you could tell him the truth — anything from “I found Ramsay tough to work with at OldCompany so I’d be wary about working for him, but thank you for thinking of me” to “a lot of women found it tough to work with him” (if that’s true? it sounds like it is) to a more specific explanation of the problems you saw. How detailed to be depends on how candid you’re comfortable being with Theon … but there’s an argument for not being terribly concerned if Ramsay’s reputation follows him around.

As for Ramsay, if he already knows you’d been interested in the job, you could ask Theon to just explain you’ve decided to stay where you are. People decide that all the time, and it won’t be weird.

5. Announcing a pregnancy when I’m remote

I’m pregnant with my first child and will be far enough along to announce it at work in a couple of weeks (just waiting for the all-clear from my OB). Due to COVID, I’ve been working from home since March, although I have gone on site occasionally. I work with people in many different departments, and there’s a mix of people on-site most of the time, on-site some of the time, and fully remote.

I’d like some tips on etiquette for announcing my pregnancy. I already have routine status meeting with my boss over teleconferencing, so I’m planning to tell him then. But what about everyone else? Is it okay to share through a mass e-mail, through individual IMs, or should I set up specific telecons to discuss it with the groups who will be most impacted by leave? I’m at a senior individual contributor level, but there will be parts of my job that require a specific person dedicated temporarily, rather than just being absorbed by others in my group in a similar role.

I wouldn’t set up specific calls for the groups most impacted at this stage — that’s something that might make sense to do closer to when you go on leave but at this point you’re probably not talking specific logistics, just sharing the news. One way is to just share it with people as you talk with them — like saying at the end of a call, “I have some personal news to share.” But it’s also fine to send a mass email to your team. I wouldn’t do a company-wide email unless your company is pretty small, but if there are people on other teams you work with a lot, you can send them individual emails (“just to let you know / expect to be out from May – July / will talk details about coverage during my leave closer to then”).

Read an update to this letter here.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My old job ripped off another company

I just finished a year long project with a really great place. It went really well and they have strongly hinted at me coming back next year for more projects and supporting my continued work in my field. This place was a great fit for me culturally, the work was really satisfying, I enjoyed my colleagues and it was just all around the best job I’ve ever had.

As a way of saying thank you, I went to a new boutique in town and I ordered a not insignificant amount of product from them to take in to my last day. The boutique really went all out on filling out my order, including some of their most popular signature product. Everyone at work thought it was really cool and amazing. They asked me about the boutique and where it was located, and all of the departments got part of the product.

Two weeks later my old job posts copycat versions of the boutique products on social media for sale, including a copycat version of the popular products. It’s important to note that my old job and the boutique are in completely different industries so this is not something that I ever expected to happen. These are obvious copies of the boutique products, and I posted on social media thanking both places with pictures of the boutique’s products.

I feel really embarrassed by this. I wanted to show the boutique my support because they’re amazing and I love their products. I love them so much my Facebook profile is me standing outside their store. But also I loved this job, and I really want to go back next year because it’s a hugely influential institution with a lot of respect behind it that could really launch my career. I feel like I should do something but I’m not sure what. My husband suggested that I apologize to the boutique saying it wasn’t my intention for my old job to copy their product and maybe give them a little gift.

This is … weird. If your old company doesn’t normally sell products in this realm, what made them rush to create knock-off versions of their own?

For the purpose of this answer I’m assuming that these were definitely knock-offs based on what you gave them, and not a weird coincidence or something that had been in the works for a while. (I’m also assuming it’s not somehow legit — like how some spas buy the same products from the same source but sell them with their own branding on them.)

I don’t think you need to apologize to the boutique — you didn’t do anything wrong and couldn’t have anticipated that your old job would rip off their products. But it sounds like you’re feeling awful and acknowledging that to them would probably help.

The bigger issue, though, is your old company! I know you love them and want to return but … do you really now? Is it worth talking to someone there to ask about the copycat products and, depending on their response, to explain that you have a good relationship with the boutique that they’ve now made very weird? I know you might not want to jeopardize your relationship with the old job but if they react badly to that … well, people who are unethical in one area of business are often unethical in others (again, assuming there’s not some context that makes this less shady than it sounds on the surface).

2. Should I let my coworkers know why my boobs are gone?

I’m a young person working two part-time jobs, one of which is currently closed to the public due to COVID (municipal building) and one that is not (retail). Virus permitting, in a few months I’ll be having a major surgery I’ve spent years planning for: a double mastectomy, a decision I reached due to my bad genes and family history of breast cancer. Obviously, I’ll be flat-chested when I return to work, with a plan for smaller implants three months after the initial surgery.

Since this will be such a visible surgery (I’m pretty busty currently), is it better to say something to my coworkers in advance? I had a breast reduction in high school, and decided to go all out letting my grade know beforehand in order to get over the awkwardness of people wondering. I like and am close with several of my coworkers at both jobs, and the only ones I would probably feel uncomfortable telling directly are my two older male bosses at my retail job (although I wouldn’t mind and would even prefer someone telling them secondhand). I’m totally okay with sharing medical info with coworkers, and have been fairly open about this procedure with others since it’s uncommon for a person my age to have and it can inspire others to look into genetic counseling.

That being said, I don’t want to overshare with colleagues in a way that makes them uncomfortable or makes me the “TMI” person in our department! What would you advise here, and what is a good script for sharing this info if I decide to do so?

I wouldn’t announce anything about your boobs to your coworkers in advance or afterwards. It’s none of their business! If they figure it out, so be it — but in general it makes sense to stay away from discussing your breasts at work. Not because breasts are shameful or anything like that — and I agree there’s value in talking openly in other contexts — but because work is a place where you don’t want people thinking about your boobs or thinking you’ve opened the door to them talking about your boobs.

With any medical procedure, it’s fine (and often wise) to be vague — “I’ll be out for a medical procedure; it’s nothing to worry about.” Partly that’s because people really don’t need to know more than that, partly it’s to ward off unsolicited input, and partly it’s because it’s good not to inadvertently contribute to a culture where other people feel expected to disclose their own medical details when they’re out.

It’s true that since you’ll look different, people might figure it out. But that’s fine; you don’t owe anyone a warning or an explanation. They should be able to process the difference without shock or comment (and if they can’t, that’s a problem caused by them, not by you for not warning them ahead of time).

3. I got a strange call from HR after my interviewer no-showed

I applied for a shift supervisor position at a small-ish national coffee shop based in a different state (not Starbucks). I’m a little overqualified from over a decade of hospitality/retail/administrative work and it’s not really what I’m looking for but I’m unemployed and figured why not, since it seemed halfway decent and they offered benefits.

I heard back from them quickly via an auto-generated email that included a link to schedule a Zoom interview with one of their recruiters. I completed the form and a 20-minute interview was put on my google calendar, with some amusingly stiff admonitions attached about “logging in 3-5 minutes early” and “I will only keep the appointment up to 5 minutes after the scheduled time.”

Naturally, I logged in to the interview early, but my interviewer never showed. I waited 10 minutes, emailed him, and got an out-of-office message indicating that he would be gone until the following Monday. I re-checked the invite and the auto-generated reminder email and there was no mistake on my end. I wrote a professional but somewhat cold email to the general recruiting alias explaining that my interviewer had no-showed and I was withdrawing my application. I got a pretty boilerplate email back apologizing for the mixup and suggesting a reschedule, but I ignored it because it wasn’t a job I had set my heart on and there didn’t seem to be any reason to go back and forth about it.

That was about a week ago. Today I got a call from the company’s head of HR apologizing again. I thanked her for the apology and she said that the reason the interviewer had no-showed was that a close family member had died by suicide.

I was totally shocked by this, both the information and the strangeness of it being divulged to me. My brain immediately jumped to whether the interviewer was on board with such a sensitive loss being shared. Pretty much the first thing out of my mouth was “I’m not sure that this is an appropriate thing to tell me,” which admittedly was super graceless but also I was generally gobsmacked. This upset the HR person, who got pretty curt with me, indicated that the interviewer was okay with her telling people, and said several times that she was just offering context and it wasn’t like they were just “sitting around drinking coffee.” She ended the call shortly afterwards in a polite but uncordial way. I feel bad for not responding more kindly in the moment but I was knocked off-balance.

Anyway, is that … normal? My gut says it’s bizarre to have a total stranger call me out of the blue about a position I’d withdrawn from offering “context” that was another total stranger’s tragic family story in order to … get me to reconsider applying? But I guess looked at in the most generous light, it’s someone distraught trying to be honorable and following up with an applicant who may have felt slighted. I briefly considered emailing them again with condolences but that seems like it wouldn’t be helpful so I’m just going to let the matter rest here unless they get in touch again? Who knows.

Other than the over-share, I wouldn’t say it’s particularly bizarre! They assumed you were interested in the job because you applied for it, and so they tried to reschedule after the first mix-up.

You’re right that the HR person didn’t need to share that much, but I don’t think it’s over-the-top outrageous that she did (assuming the recruiter really did okay sharing the details). Mainly it was just unnecessary — she could have simply explained the recruiter had a family emergency or a death in the family. (And that’s not because suicide is shameful or not to be spoken of, but just because the cause of death generally isn’t something that needs to be relayed to strangers.) Still, though, I’m willing to cut people slack for not getting their messaging perfect around something tragic, and I think your response to it might have been a little unnecessary too.

It sounds like you didn’t really want this job, had already written it off after the interviewer no-showed, and as a result weren’t super receptive when the HR person called. Which is fine! But your reaction to the call might be a bit more intense than was really warranted.

4. My manager thinks Zoom etiquette says it’s rude not to have your camera on

My manager has mentioned a few times in the last few weeks that there seems to be a Zoom etiquette rule that it’s rude to not connect your camera during webinars, networking meetings, etc. I don’t think she’s ever said that anyone spoke to her directly, but she reports that she’s seen negativity on the video calls when folks don’t have the camera on. She’s been a little worried about it because our office wifi is heavily used and video likes to drop out of our Zoom calls, and she often reminds the department to be sure our video is on. (For what it’s worth, she does voice-only calls via phone whenever possible, so it’s not an issue internally! We only use Zoom when video/images are actually useful and relevant to the conversation.)

It seems absurd to me. Turning the camera on can cause problems with the connection and can cause the sound to cut in and out when you’re speaking, or the other participants may not sound clear to you / their video may freeze intermittently. We’ve had problems among our staff where the bandwidth is overloaded and the call fails entirely. Plus, if you’re working from home, you might not be able to get a good backdrop for a fake background, or you might have an odd angle that means your kid is always visible. I can think of dozens more reasons that you might feel it’s more professional to be voice-only.

But I’m not on as many Zoom calls as my manager, so maybe I’m wrong, and there really is an etiquette rule developing that requires cameras to be on?

Nope, for all the reasons you mentioned. There are managers who really push video, and there are meetings where it genuinely does make sense to use it, but there’s no etiquette rule that your camera should be on as a default.

More here.

5. Moving from a secure government job to a less safe, higher-paying private industry job

I’ve been a federal employee for about seven years now and am the lead at my agency in an industry that is starting to explode in which few people have the knowledge or experience that I do. I know for a fact that I could be making double my salary if I went to private industry, based on offers I have received from people I know who have asked me to tell them when I’m “ready to leave the government.”

I’ve been terrified to do so due to the pandemic and everything that’s happening in the U.S. The security of a government job and my union is like a safety blanket that I’m clinging to, but I’m increasingly struggling with the fact that I could radically improve the lives of my husband and me by simply changing who I work for: no more living paycheck to paycheck, we could move wherever we like, build our dream home, start the family we’ve been putting off to make sure we’ve saved enough to afford a child, etc. My husband has said this decision is up to me, obviously, and he hasn’t put pressure on me, but I can’t help but know he is well aware that I could change our lives and I haven’t.

I would really love to hear the viewpoints of yourself and/or your audience — maybe others who made this decision or those in private industry now. Would you move from a secure, low-paying government job to a volatile, high-paying private job in the current market? Has anyone done this? What was their experience — do they regret it or maybe wish they’d done it sooner?

I’m happy to throw this out to readers to weigh in on in the comments.

Read an update to this letter here.