Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My work friends are being weird about me resigning

My question is about leaving my current (non-dream) job. I was hired at my current company at the same time as three other people. We are all just out of grad school with the same degree and around the same age, so we immediately hit it off. They become my “group” at work: I’ve become close friends with one of the women, and while I don’t often see the other two outside of work, we stick together at work events and go out for lunch. You know, work friends. The company that we work for is dysfunctional on a lot of levels (hence the job search), so that collegiality was one of the few bright spots of coming to work for the past six years.

I didn’t expect wailing and gnashing of teeth when I told my friends I was leaving, but I did expect…something. Congratulations, at least. Instead, I got a bunch of sour comments about my new company (“I’ve heard they’re really disorganized,” etc.). My last day is fast approaching, so I finally texted everyone suggesting a goodbye lunch or happy hour. They all agreed, but we can’t settle on a date because everyone’s too “busy.” I put that in quotation marks because some of the reasons they’ve offered for not being able to make a certain date or time are laughably bad.

I’m getting paranoid (maybe I’m annoying and people only pretended to like me!), but rationally, I know I haven’t imagined our friendship. So what gives? Is this a normal way to act when someone leaves? Should I say something, or brush it off and focus on my new job?

It sounds like the behavior of people who are unhappy with their jobs and frustrated that you’re escaping and they’re not. It’s an immature way to handle that situation, but that’s what sounds most likely.

It’s also true that it’s pretty common for work friendships not to last once you change jobs. Sometimes they do, but frequently it will turn out that the thing that bonded you together was work, and once you no longer have that in common, the bond fades, often quite quickly (not usually ahead of your last day though, so that may or may not be what’s happening here).

Still, though, if it’s really bothering you and you’re having trouble brushing it off, why not ask the person you’re closest to? Explain what you’ve said here and see what her take is on it. (She’s actually the one I’d expect more of a reaction from since you’re genuinely close outside of work, so it’ll be interesting to hear her perspective.)

2. Recruiters being pushy about “salary confirmation”

I have been dealing with IT recruiters lately, and they have mostly started conversations with “what are your salary requirements?” immediately after just giving me the name and location of the job! I make it a point to ask follow-up questions, have them send me the job description, and make sure they understand I will have several considerations to take into account, before addressing the range with which I’m comfortable. I usually throw out a high number just to see what they come back with.

Recently during this conversation, the recruiter asked if I would be interested in a $10 less per hour figure than I had thrown out — much to my surprise. I said it’s close enough to start an application process. But here’s the thing — she immediately sent an email asking for a “salary confirmation agreement” and has called me repeatedly to get me to respond “I agree” to an email doc that says “I agree to this salary for this position.” She called me three times within two hours, and re-sent the email another time. This kind of rushing rings many alarm bells for me, so I’ve paused completely.

Several other recruiters have also sent, or wanted to send similar emails — “So, are you saying for $x/hour you are interested? Can I send you a salary confirmation email?”

Is this…normal? I don’t know what about it worries me so much, but I just don’t trust anyone that hurries me!

Nooooo, not normal. Run away, run away. Someone who tries to get you to sign away your standing to negotiate — to commit to a salary before you’ve been to an interview and had a chance to learn about the job and the company and before you’ve had a chance to look at the full package of an offer (like benefits, which matter greatly) — is someone who wants to lock you into acting against your own self-interest. That is a huge danger sign, and those are not recruiters you want to work with.

3. Running into students’ parents at the gym

I’m a school teacher. I’m committing myself to a daily workout at the gym once the school year starts to keep up my strong summer momentum.

Should I be at all concerned or embarrassed about running into parents of my students at the gym? I don’t think it should be an issue, as I have a right to life my life, but the gym can be an awkward place — more awkward than, say, running into a parent at the grocery store or a restaurant.

Nah. I mean, I wouldn’t hang out naked chatting with them in the locker room, but beyond that I wouldn’t worry at all.

4. Putting a vegan mentorship volunteer role on my resume

I’m vegan. I’m happy and proud of that fact, but I’m also aware that it rubs some people the wrong way. A lot of people have never met a vegan before, and so their only impressions of vegans are negative stereotypes. When I tell them that I’m vegan, some people even start arguments trying to prove me wrong. This is why I like to get to know people a bit before I tell them that I’m vegan. Once they get to know me as a person, they can’t dismiss me as irrational, extreme, or whatever other image they have built of vegans in their head.

Should I include my experience mentoring new vegans on my resume? The mentorship program is a 22-day vegan challenge, with a preparation period and a graduate group. My role as a mentor/admin is to post the daily challenges, encourage participants, monitor the group to make sure that participants and other mentors follow the rules, speak one-on-one to participants and mentors who are struggling with the rules, refer health-related questions to the challenge’s dieticians, and to provide reliable, positive advice both from a practical and emotional perspective. It’s an international group, and so I often have to do research to find out what products are available in a different country or to translate my advice into French or Spanish. Going vegan is difficult not just because it involves changing habits, but also because friends and family are not always supportive. I think that providing emotional support in this area is the most important part of my position.

I’ve been volunteering with the online mentorship group for nearly a year and feel that it has greatly improved my skills in communication and leadership, and is evidence of my initiative and willingness to give back to the community. All of these skills are important in my field, but I worry that potential employers will read the word “vegan” and my resume will get thrown in the trash. Do you have any advice?

It would be fine to include it a Volunteer or Community Service section, but I wouldn’t devote more than a line to it, unless you’re light on professional experience that demonstrates these same abilities. (I also wouldn’t play up the emotional support piece, unless you’re applying for jobs where that’s especially relevant.)

For what it’s worth, few employers are going to trash your resume because it includes the word “vegan.” I have firsthand experience with people’s weirdness about veganism, but it generally doesn’t extend to rejecting job candidates over it. So that’s less the issue here and more that it’s not going to read as substantial work experience in the way you’d want something to if you’re giving it serious resume real estate.

5. Is it weird to say “my staff”?

At home I’ll tell my girlfriend something about how my day was at work and I’ll say, “Oh yes, a bunch of my staff said to watch Stranger Things” or “I met with my staff about our website” or “My Queen of Teapots, Ele, said … about what we’re doing.” My girlfriend says that it sounds pretty terrible to say things like “my staff” since it sounds like I own them and that it’s weirdly hierarchical, but I’m terribly confused as to what I should say then! I’m the head of a department and have several direct reports and almost 20 people in the department.

“My staff” — and “my team,” “my group,” and “my department” — are normal things to say, especially when you’re talking to someone outside of your team. If you’re talking to your staff themselves, I’d generally go with “our team” or something like that … but “my staff” when explaining who you’re talking about isn’t all that different from the “my” in “my family,” “my friends,” or “my hairdresser.”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Workplace weight loss programs and eating disorders

My workplace just decided to do a casual team-wide (60 people) weight loss competition/event. Participation is voluntary and each participant puts money in the pot initially plus a dollar for every pound lost. The winner wins the pot at the end.

This came at me out of the blue, because I have an eating disorder, and I avoid those teammates who like to talk about their eating and diet habits all the time. But now everybody around me is talking about it all the time, and I thank god nobody has asked me if I am participating yet (everybody is doing it, not just overweight people but perfectly healthy people). This is seriously triggering and upsetting for me. I don’t want to go the the team manager and say “shut it down!” but is there something I can do to raise awareness that there are people with eating disorders around and this sort of thing is a problem? Without actually saying that that person is me, ideally.

You can absolutely say to your manager (or anyone else), “You know, this kind of competition and the frequent discussion of dieting that it generates is really problematic for people with eating disorders. Is there a way to tone it down or even reconsider it entirely, in light of that?” My bet is that they won’t call it off this time, but it might make them more sensitive to how and how often it’s being discussed, and it might get them not to do another in the future. But there’s also a chance that it will have no impact, at least in part because it may seem theoretical to them (“some people could…” as opposed to “people in this office definitely do…”).

Because of that, if you’re willing to confide in someone — either your boss or HR — that you personally are being impacted by this, you might have more of an effect. You shouldn’t have to do that, but the reality is that it might have much more of an impact.

Also, in the future, if you get a chance to speak up while the idea is still in the planning stages, it’ll often be easier to shut down at that point. You can say something like, “I’ve read that experts now discourage this kind of event because it’s so dangerous for people with eating disorders. And it leaves out people who don’t want to lose weight. How about we do a voluntary walking challenge or something else that isn’t tied to pounds lost?”

2. Giving a reference for a coworker who drinks heavily

A coworker of mine recently dropped from full-time to part-time hours by choice — he began taking partial Social Security benefits which limit the maximum number of hours worked per week. At the same time, our growing company was short on desk space, so he began working those hours from home. I probably worked in the office with him for about six months before his arrangement changed. His work is low-level but still in a critical workflow, and consistently reliable though not large in volume due to the limited hours he’s putting in.

This seems to be a good fit for him, and as far as I know he plans to continue working this way for the foreseeable future. He’s a nice person, and I still see him at work social events, where he has a reputation for imbibing substantially and often.

He recently emailed to let me know I had been listed on his references for another job he was applying for. This would be a live-in assistant for an elderly person with dementia. (He has no local family so moves around the city every few months, often house- or pet-sitting.) I am not a nurse or doctor, and don’t work in the medical field. I am not his supervisor. I do, however, rely in part on his work product to complete my tasks. He has no intention of quitting our company so I will need to continue to work with him.

Should I give a reference? If so, what should I say? I don’t feel like I can testify to how he would be as a caregiver, or as a direct report, and this is a job that I feel has a great degree of intimacy with someone who might not be able to speak for themselves.

If you took away the “imbibing substantially and often,” I’d say you should give him a reference that speaks to what you know of his work, while clearly explaining the caveats you gave here — you can’t speak to what he’d be like as a home care assistant, but just to his work as a teapot painter (or whatever). There’s still value in that type of reference, because you can speak to things like reliability, ease of working with him, conscientiousness, etc.

But the drinking thing gives me pause, given the type of job he’s applying for. “Drinks a lot at work social events” doesn’t inherently mean “irresponsible drinker who would jeopardize someone’s care.” In fact, it probably doesn’t mean that. But without knowing more details, I don’t think I can tell you whether you should or shouldn’t agree to be a reference. To figure it out, I think your best bet is to give some thought to what you know about his responsibility in general and whether you’ve ever seen him do anything like drive after drinking too much or behave inappropriately to people at these events, and maybe even consider talking to him about your concern to see how he reacts.

3. Should I contact a former coworker who’s lying about having a master’s degree?

In my previous company, I worked with a woman who claimed to hold a master’s degree. She includes this information on her resume and her LinkedIn profile, and she tells people verbally that she has a master’s degree. Through another coworker, I learned that she in fact is “one class away” from completing her master’s program. I doubt the validity of this because she was notoriously a liar (and not a very efficient worker, either, to be honest).

She moved to another state and has since been out of work (nearly two years now). Besides taking personal insult about this (I worked hard and spent a lot of money to put myself through college while working full-time in order furnish my resume with a degree, the honest way), I also think it’s hurting her chances to find work. Once an employer discovers her embellishment, the offers are rescinded and she’s branded a dishonest candidate.

On one hand, I feel I should let it slide. It’s her business if she wants to conduct herself dishonestly. But on the other hand, I’d like to send her a message to tell her the best way to find steady employment is to be honest!

My field is HR and this is sadly common, I’ve discovered. I feel like I’m the only person I know who hasn’t embellished or outright lied on their resume to get better jobs. Should I send this woman a message? I feel like the only way to change this slimy practice is one person at a time.

No, you shouldn’t. It’s really not your business — she’s a former coworker who you don’t appear to be close to and you’re not being personally impacted by her lie, so you don’t really have standing to say anything. Moreover, it doesn’t sound like you even know for sure that she’s lying (although even if you did, that wouldn’t warrant contacting her). Roll your eyes, figure that she’s going to screw herself over at some point if this is true, and move on.

4. My new coworker bites his nails constantly

I am a contractor, and my company hired a new contractor to take on some additional tasks at the site where we work. I am expected to train him and introduce him to everyone so they will know to start tasking him.

He bites his nails during meetings. All the time. I sat across from him in one meeting, and his fingers stayed in or near his mouth for at least an hour. He’s only been to a few meetings so far, but I find myself planning strategies to avoid sitting near or across from him in future meetings. I’m sure he is annoying others too.

I’ve asked him to take notes during meetings in the hopes that it would curb the nail biting, but it hasn’t helped, so I know I need to be more direct. How do I bring this up without embarrassing him while also being effective in stopping the nail biting? Should I mention this to him directly since I am training him (though we have the same job title so we’re more like peers), or would it be better for me to mention it to our boss at the contracting company?

His work has been great so far, so I want to encourage him–not alienate him. I do want to nip this in the bud though since it’s majorly annoying, and I worry that it could cause others to avoid working with him.

Oooof. I’m torn on whether this is something you have standing to ask him to stop or not, but ultimately I’m coming down on the side of yes — that you have standing not to demand he stop, but to alert him to it as a thing that’s distracting. I’d just be pretty matter-of-fact about it — “I don’t know if you realize, but you tend to bite your nails throughout meetings and it can be pretty distracting.”

I wouldn’t mention it to your boss though, not unless it continues and you think it’s going to cause issues with clients or something like that. In general, it’ll be far less awkward if you say something to him than if your boss does, since it sounds like your boss may not be regularly working with him (and thus would have to address it via secondhand information, which generally isn’t ideal).

5. Asking about nursing rooms before starting a new job

I’m starting a new job next week and I’m also currently nursing a seven-month-old. At my currently role, I can use my lactation room three times a day, which is great. How do I ask my new job about using the nursing room? Do I have to wait until I start? It’s going be physically uncomfortable to skip an entire day, but I think I could do it.

No, don’t do that to yourself! Ask ahead of time. Send an email to either your HR contact or your new manager that says, “By the way, I wanted to mention that I’m currently nursing and will need a private spot for pumping a few times during the day. Is that something I need to arrange ahead of time or is there something like that already set up?”

Just be matter-of-fact about it, since it’s something that they should be matter-of-fact about in return.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker constantly fact-checks everyone else

I have a coworker who has a habit of fact-checking other team members. She is not a manager. If a team member mentions information in a meeting, casually discusses a topic in the hallway, or sends an email to the team, this coworker will fact-check the information and reply-all and/or discuss her findings with the group. The fact-checking can range anywhere from verifying incoming rainstorms to confirming/denying the accuracy of information in an article that a team member shares with the group.

If she finds out information is correct, she will share that she checked/confirmed. Typically incorrect information is pointed out a few times a week. Incorrect can mean that a rainstorm will arrive at a different hour, or that she disagrees with the premise of an article, etc.

The behavior raises eyebrows and makes others uncomfortable. Any suggestions for how to approach the issue, or if it’s best to ignore?

She’s fact-checking trivial information from a casual hallway discussion and emailing her findings to your whole group? Oh dear.

If you were her manager, I’d tell you to ask her to cut it out, but as a coworker, I’d just it go and know that everyone else finds this really weird too. I’ve got to think that this kind of know-it-all-ism is a real impediment in her relationships with people.

But if it’s really annoying you, you could say, “Hey, I’m sure you don’t mean it this way, but doing all this fact-checking of other people is coming across kind of oddly — like you don’t trust people and want to correct them, even on inconsequential details.” Or in the moment when she does it, you could just say, “I don’t think we needed that fact-checked” (especially when she’s confirming the info is correct) or “I’m finding the follow-up on such minor stuff kind of distracting — could we save it for things where the substance matters more?”

2. Can I get out of a personality assessment at work?

My employer is rolling out one of those personality/behavior assessments. There was no discussion of whether or not we (the rest of the staff) wanted to do this, or how required it is or how to opt out — it was simply presented as “staff are going to do this.” I’m strongly opposed to any sort of personality assessment because I find them not useful and a massive violation of privacy, crossing the line between professional and personal. Do I have any standing to ask if I can opt out? If so, how would I go about doing this professionally? Note that if they say it’s required or else I’ll get fired, then I’ll suck it up and do it, but I feel like not even asking would be a betrayal to my personality (ironically).

Also, my manager is on leave right now so I wouldn’t be able to discuss this with her. The assessments are being overseen by HR.

You can try to opt out if you want, and it’s useful for employers to hear that not everyone is happy to be asked to do these. That said, there may be a cost to trying to get out of it — in terms of how much political capital you’ll use that then won’t be there if you want to ask for an exception for something else in the future — so you’ll need to factor that into whether you feel strongly enough about it or not.

If you do decide to try to get out of it, I’d say this: “I’d like to excuse myself from participating in this; there are loads of issues with these assessments’ scientific validity, and they’re more personal than I’m comfortable getting at work. So I want to give you a heads-up that I plan to sit this out.”

3. When someone thinks I didn’t answer their email, but I did

I’ve had the same email issue pop up frequently in the past few months: I’ll receive an emailed question from a colleague or customer. I respond immediately with all necessary information. About a week later, I receive a forwarded copy of their initial question with something like “What’s the status here????” on top. Clearly, they did not see or lost my response.

In the most recent incident, my boss and several others were copied the second time around. I responded by forwarding my original date and timed-stamped response with “please let me know if there were additional questions beyond these” and keeping my boss copied.

But I worry about making the questioning person look stupid, especially if they are a higher-up. And it’s a customer, I don’t want them to feel adversarial, even if they are wrong. Thoughts on how to handle this?

Before you forward the original email, I’d first reply to their follow-up and say something like this: “I actually sent you an answer to this on Tuesday of last week, but maybe it got lost somewhere along the way! I’ll forward it to you right now.” That way, you’re helping them save face a bit and you’re allowing for the possibility that it really didn’t make it to them for some reason — and you’re just making it an overall more pleasant interaction.

4. My employees keep socializing with the person who managed them before me

I manage 10 people in my department. Before me, there was a manager who left to work for another company. He left all of our projects somewhat of a mess and did not supervise the group at all. Now I am stuck fixing everything. My employees, however, have met with him socially several times, and are now inviting him to their work anniversary get-together. They also allowed him into the office to look at one of their computers, even though he no longer works there. I know I can’t tell them not to socialize with him on a personal level, even though they’ve all known each other less than a year and I don’t understand why they would want to anyway. I am incredibly bothered by their continued association with him. Should I let it go?

Yep, you definitely shouldn’t try to control who they talk to outside of work. It’ll make you look petty and controlling, and it’s likely to really poison how you’re seen. You shouldn’t refuse to let them invite him to this work event either, if you’d normally allow another non-employee to attend. However, it’s perfectly reasonable not to allow former employees access to your company’s computers (!) and you should put a stop to that and make it known that that’s a security issue.

5. Can I ask current employees what to expect from a company’s interview process?

I studied computer programming during my time at my university. Although I prepared a lot, I was recently kind of blindsided with one of the pre-interview questions I was asked by a small local company in my region. I got the math problems fine, and the code for the programming question worked as well, but apparently they were looking for something else in the little program I wrote, and I was rejected. I don’t want this to happen again.

I might have two interviews coming up, I’m not sure. But would it be proper to, after an interview is scheduled, look up employees at the prospective companies I’m interviewing for and ask them questions about what their interview experience was like and what to expect? I’m not sure if it’s good etiquette or if they’d find it flattering.

Nope! There’s too much of a chance that it’ll come across as trying to get an advantage in their interview process that they don’t intend for candidates to get. They want to know how you do without insider info helping you. And actually, that’s in your best interest too — you want to be screened out of jobs that you aren’t a strong fit for, since you don’t want to end up in a job that isn’t the right match for you.