Sunday free-for-all – December 21, 2014

Olive with menorahThis comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly non-work only; if you have a work question, you can email it to me or post it in the work-related open thread on Fridays.)

Have at it.

{ 861 comments… read them below }

  1. Ama

    I’m engaged. My mom is not adjusting well to the reality of having to share me with fiancé’s family for the holidays and has begun attempting to manage how they celebrate holidays by demanding that my fiancé and I tell them what my family is doing and forcing them to accommodate.

    She has used language that enforces her desires upon us (“tell them you want to do x”) and done the divide-and-conquer routine to wear us down to get her way, going to one of us separately from the other and stating her wishes, and then going to the other if the first doesn’t give the reply she wants.

    How can we put a stop to this? We’ll be married by this time next year and it’s really not a dynamic I want to deal with when we’re starting a life together.

    1. Gene

      Fixing this is Fiance’s job, s/he needs to handle hir mother. When mom drags you into it, you need to tell her to talk her progeny.

      And you and your fiance need to get on the same page.

      1. Ama

        We are on the same page, so her tactics never really work, and it’s my mom that’s the issue, not his mom. His mom is actually really great about boundaries and respect.

        It’s just irritating and baffling to me because my mom and I have never been close and now she’s getting clingy, so I don’t know how to handle it.

      2. snapple

        I think you have the details wrong. The commenter’s mother is the one who’s having a difficult time adjusting .

    2. Beezus

      Call her on it, and tell her it needs to stop. Be firm and as unemotional about it as possible, you have to be fair to your SO and give him time with his family at the holidays too. It’s perfectly reasonable, and hopefully she’s just having a hard time adjusting and will see that in time.

      Next year, talk to your SO about holiday plans in advance, so you’re on the same page, then tell your mother what you’ll be doing, and be firm about it.

    3. fposte

      Probably easier to change how you respond than to change her. Depending on your mom’s character, that can mean anything from abstracted “uh-huh” to comic deflation (“We’re having trouble finding a tablet to carve that on”) to skipping past the control to address the subtextual worry (a hug and a “Mom, even though I won’t be here over some of the holiday I still love you and you’re still the most important mom in the world to me”). Might also be time to have an offense, which would be your own schedule and plans that you can present as a fait accompli and refuse to be drawn into tweaking.

      1. Ama

        Deflecting with noncommittal “uh-huh” has led to the divide and conquer game. The control is part of the fiber of her being (hence us not being close) so addressing what may be behind it would be addressing her humanity itself. I think declaring our plans as already done and not subject to change, leaving only already allowed-for openings, will be our best bet next year. Thanks for all the suggestions!

        1. fposte

          I will note that it’s imperative that you and your fiancé agree in advance what the protocol is and know how to stay on message. That way all divide and conquer gets your mom is a double “uh-huh”–or, if you’ve planned your plans, a “thanks, we’re good, we’ll see you on the Friday as agreed.”

          And I don’t think it’s too late to declare your plans for this year :-). They can dovetail with what’s already been discussed, but you can take ownership of it and add in what you need for your own private holidaying.

        2. jamlady

          Totally agree with setting firm plans. My parents are super chill, but my mother in law… Love her to pieces but she is very overbearing. We always tell them upfront what plans will be for us and to not cancel/schedule things around us and risk ruining other people’s plans. She hasn’t changed and she still tries to decorate my house and guilt trips my husband (unsuccessfully) for stupid things, but for holiday schedules, she doesn’t fuss.

      2. Clever Name

        All of this. Controlling behavior can be a symptom of anxiety, so addressing her underlying worry (losing you-believe me, that’s every parents greatest fear) might help.

    4. Paul P

      If you and your fiance have come to an agreement about what you’re doing for the holidays, be upfront with both your parents and your finace’s.

    5. MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)

      Oof. I think you’ve got some great advice here, especially from fposte. Depending on your relationship with your mother (because I completely acknowledge this may not be feasible for everyone), you can try what I did if their tactics don’t work…

      When my grandma lectured me about how “little” time I spent with my family vs. partner’s one year (my family still ended up with more than 50%), I called a moratorium on any family visits over Christmas the following year and we spent it alone. It hasn’t been an issue since.

      1. Ama

        You have no idea how much fiancé and I would love to do nothing with anyone. We’re already talking about doing our own thing next year and spending time with only each other.

        That or we’ll just schedule the honeymoon over Christmas.

        1. Christy

          I urge you to do the work to set the boundary rather than make up an excuse, because excuses are temporary but boundaries are semi-permanent.

        2. Elkay

          Do it. Set the norm the first year that Christmas is your holiday as a couple. It’s great, trust me. Although I’ve been lucky that neither family pushes to see us. In fact it was my mum’s suggestion that we spend Christmas alone.

        3. Mal

          My husband and I moved 1500 miles away from our families shortly after we go engaged. It. Is. Wonderful.
          This year we spent Thanksgiving alone and will spend Christmas alone.
          On the honeymoon:
          Take it during Christmas!!! We spent 10 days in Jamaica for ours in Dec 2012 and spent Christmas on the beach, getting a tan, drinking fruity drinks and getting presents from a Santa with a strong Jamaican accent. I’m positive that no other Christmas can ever top it and each year since I’ve been disappointed by a white snow Christmas instead of a white sand Christmas.

        4. the gold digger

          When my husband and I got married, we faced that same issue with his parents. They have called him a “bad son” for not going to their place for Christmas and have told him that he is “abandoning” them.

          One year, he got an email from his mom on Christmas day that ended with, “Everything sucks and I get despondent.” And merry Christmas to you, too!

          It has been very hard on my husband, but he has stood (mostly) firm – that we spend our holidays together in our home. There was one Thanksgiving where he surrendered, but other than that, our holidays are ours.

          I agree with Christy that it is a good idea to set the boundaries rather than make an excuse. Good luck. This seems to be something very, very hard to do, but the payoff is worth it.

          1. Ruffingit

            “Everything sucks and I get despondent.”

            That sounds like someone I’d want to spend my holidays with…

            Geeze, people do not realize how much their guilt tripping attitude and negativity drives people away.

          2. Emily Robin

            “Everything sucks and I get despondent.”

            Oh my god, that is an amazing line. (I’m sorry your husband had to be on the receiving end of that, but it made me laugh.)

        5. Alma

          That is not a bad idea. Start planning NOW for someone to throw you a holidays shower: the turkey platter and carving set, the ornaments for your tree or whatever is appropriate for the holidays you celebrate. Talk with great enthusiasm thus year about how you both are looking forward to establishing your own traditions and routine, and “let this be fair warning, we’re taking next year off! ”

          Juggling family face time is brutal. I’ve tried to talk my siblings and their families into picking a week in August when we can stay at the beach, and spend quality time with each other. I’m still waiting.

        6. UK Nerd

          Do it. After one particularly horrendous Christmas with my partner’s mother, I vowed that the following Christmas (by which time we would be married) I would not set foot outside my own house for anything less than water, fire or blood somewhere it shouldn’t be. This is now our family tradition. The mother-in-law can complain about it all she likes to whatever saps end up spending Christmas Day with her, but neither of us have to listen to it.

          For some reason, the fact that it was our first Christmas as a married couple made everyone a lot more willing to accept that this was the way things were going to be from now on.

          1. Grapey

            “For some reason, the fact that it was our first Christmas as a married couple made everyone a lot more willing to accept that this was the way things were going to be from now on.”

            In the same vein “we just bought our house this year and would like to spend Christmas together, alone, in it.” helped others accept our plans.

    6. Dan

      Is this the first time your mother has displayed this kind of behavior? By that, I mean controlling. If this is a repeat pattern, then logic may very well not work. (I have a mother to whom the only thing that matters is what she wants. Everything else be damned. I don’t even try to reason with her anymore.)

        1. Dan

          Moving 600 miles away and speaking to her only on her birthday and Mother’s Day. I’m traveling to see my parents for Xmas, and she’s made it clear she wants me to attend church with them. Nevermind that they dragged us to church kicking and screaming for 17 years, and I haven’t attended church since I moved out, also 17 years ago. My last trip back was a constant battle over church, culminating with me threatening to never come back if she won’t drop the subject.

          1. StuckInTheHotel

            Oh dear. I think we have the same mother. Although I’m the older sister … moved out 28 years ago and been married 22 years. This year we live 3,500 miles away (in England) so no trip home. I feel your pain.

          2. Csarndt

            Yep, 500+ miles, especially if there is a city known for bad traffic in between ;)

            “I’d love to come but, man, I *hate* Chicago traffic around the holidays! I have some coworkers with little kids who want some time off to make Santa come so I’m gonna stay home and work this year. We’ll catch up when you come for (insert name of minor holiday) long weekend”

            My family used to fight over who I stayed with and when and for how long and who else was invited and for how long. Oy! It’s enough to make you want to cancel Christmas! Darn Chicago traffic ;)

            1. Bea W

              Having recently experienced Chicago traffic on a normal day, I totally agree this is a legit excuse! Chicago gets my vote for the worst traffic EVER…and not even in rush hour. WTF Chicago???!!!

              1. Dan

                Sorry, as a long time DC resident, I would have to say that DC has Chicago traffic beat. It’s gotten worse over the years, too. Saturday evenings heading into the city are now all stop and go traffic.

                1. Bea W

                  This is why I purposefully avoided getting into any kind of car or taxi during rush hour when I had to work in DC. The one thing that threw Chicago over the top for me was it being 11 AM mid-week and traffic being mostly stop and not much go in both directions. It made me pine for Beltway.

            2. Dan

              Oops, it’s more like 800 miles and coincidentally, I’d have to drive through Chicago. 800 miles is long enough where flying is the default. At 500 miles, its a toss up, depends on fares and what not.

        2. Student

          (1) Don’t stay in your mother’s house for any occasion whatsoever. Do not have her stay in your house when she visits, even if this means springing for her hotel. Stay at a hotel, or with a nearby friend, or whatever. It will cut down on the time that she has to corner you both. It’ll also make you feel more powerful and independent when she asks things of you that you don’t want to do. It gives you an out when you get tired of dealing with her – and that is exactly when you need to leave her presence, lest you give in to her demands after being worn down all day.

          (2) Practice what you will say when she makes predictable demands. Saying no is easier when you have a script. “We already have other plans.” “We’d like to visit you on X day this year instead. Are you free that day?” “I can’t make it for X. I hope you and Other Family have a great time. Are you planning to {make family comfort food} for them?” Use immediate questions to deflect attention off of you and onto her and her plans/hopes/interests. Use white lies if that will help you cope with this and she’s demonstrated that she won’t respond normally to honesty.

        3. Bea W

          My mother was like this. I had to divide holidays between my dad and my mom. They’d been divorced for 20 years, but there was this continuing need to compete with my dad for our attention on holidays, and it was really awkward if plans conflicted.

          For me, I had to decide for myself what my boundaries where, how much holiday “cheer” I could take, and growing more of a thick skin, reminding myself that it’s not me with the issues. At some point I started spending Thanksgiving with out of state friends, and kept only Christmas for my parents, because that was exhausting enough.

          My mother passed away 5 years ago. So now I am down to one family function (instead of 3) on Christmas and no pressure or guilt trip attempts for spending time with my dad.

          My sister moved out of state years ago where she married and had her own family. She would arrange to visit after the holidays. That worked well for her. She had continued that for my father after my mother died…until he started canceling on her and disappointing the children. Screw that!

    7. Lori C

      I presume you and your families live in the same area. I suggest you tell your mother you will let her know what your plans are when you and your fiance decide what your plans are. You can be firmer with her if needed and tell her she does not have a say in your decision. All the way to Drop it Mom, or I am not talking about this with you any more Mom, and say goodbye when on the phone. When she attempts to talk to your fiance, he will need to tell her Ama will let her know of your plans when you both decide. You handle your family, he handles his. I also suggest establishing a rotating schedule NOW. Thanksgiving with his family. Thanksgiving with your family. Thanksgiving with just the two of you/friends. You will want to rotate yourselves into the rotation since you are forming your own family. Don’t let yourselves be coerced into spending your holidays driving all over the place in order to spend all holidays with both families. Good luck!

      1. Megan

        I like the idea of a rotating schedule – my DH and I do a variation of this, although our families have been very accommodating. Most important, I would be sure to carve out that Christmas morning for your family as soon as possible, or you will have your mother insisting that you all sleep over on Christmas eve so that your children can wake up to Santa’s presents at HER house. My coworker is doing that with her newborn this year and I’m just like MIND BLOWN.

        1. LisaS

          My mother did this when my sister & I were little – wrote herself into the rotation, and refused to get locked into holidays with any of the grandparents. I can only imagine the battles it took, but it was really nice to have an occasional year off from the digging up & parading of old family dramas…

    8. Not So NewReader

      You are very wise to deal with this now, rather than letting it fester. Yeah, there is going to be some blow-back but stand your ground. You may not totally eliminate all the drama but you can greatly reduce it.
      As others have said, never underestimate the power of you and your other half deciding what you will be doing for the holidays. Develop your plan together and stick to it. If you get too much flak tell them you can always stay home and not visit at all.

      Married couples do a lot of this anyway. Usually on a smaller scale such as, “We will go to Bob and Sheila’s party but we want to leave by 9 pm.” Then they stick to that decision. Typically your decisions as a couple will be much easier than the one you are facing now.

    9. Katie the Fed

      I have a mother a lot like this as well, and it took a bout of bad anxiety following the holidays to land me in therapy and learn how to deal with her.

      What helped me a lot was when I truly accepted that I didn’t need her permission or approval for anything. That no matter how much she might try to manipulate, guilt, or freeze me out I was under absolutely no obligation to do what she wanted. It sounds simple but for people with parents like this it’s hard, but quite liberating.

      So it started with small stuff – if she was giving me grief about something I just either laughed it off and ignored it, or said “ok, gotta go mom” and got off the phone. For the wedding, I did what I wanted but paid lip service to making her feel really special as well, for the sake of minimal drama. We’re spending the holidays with my husband’s family (who is lovely and I genuinely enjoy spending time with them – it doesn’t feel obligatory) by just mentioning it in passing, and not making a big deal of it. It’s a little easier because his family is closer. But basically – I never made it sound like I was seeking approval, because I wasn’t.

      On your wedding, a bit of advice – you can head off a lot of issues by going through the motions of doing something special with her. I took us out for a day of pre-wedding pampering. I’d rather have gone with my friends, but I also wanted to appease her and prevent any drama. It worked.

      1. ExceptionToTheRule

        I highly recommend therapy for anyone who has this types of issues with a parent. And you’ve nailed the core issue for many of us: we’re grown adults still seeking approval for our decisions from our parents as if we’re still 9 years old. Therapy really can help you move past that behavior/emotional cycle.

        1. Katie the Fed

          Exactly – and honestly, once I changed how I approached things – it was a DRAMATIC change in our relationship. I won’t say it’s great, but it’s much easier – I think for both of us actually. It took some practice – she tried the silent treatment and other things, but I just let them roll off my back and when she eventually wanted to talk to me again I didn’t even acknowledge that I’d noticed. Freaking liberating, I’m telling you.

        2. dang

          I am also in therapy for this issue (along other things, but geez it always seems to come back to that!!) I second Katie’s advice. It’s all about mindset and feeling ready to set consistent boundaries and enforce them.

        3. Bea W

          YES!!!!

          I actually faked sick once to get out of Christmas. It was at that point I had to admit I really had take control back for myself and do things differently.

        4. Dan

          I wouldn’t have chosen that phrasing in my case, but I suppose that is the core issue. I don’t do anything because its what mom wants, but at the core, I would like my mother to acknowledge that people can have differing views on things, and someone isn’t wrong just because they don’t agree with her.

          I once therapy in college because I thought *i* was the problem and it was time to grow up. But I stopped after one session because I wasn’t willing to change.

        5. Nashira

          Oh my god with a good therapist, therapy is amazing. Even though it can absolutely hurt. Now that I’m not repressing things, to preserve that image of a loving family, it hurts quite a bit to see how abusive my parents and older brother were/are. But it’s better to work through that and find ways to have the healthiest relationships I can have w/ them.

          EAPs can be good places to get referred to therapists btw.

        6. Sunflower

          Agree Agree agree. I am still dealing with this and understanding that a lot of my issues with this stem from her own issues. My therapist recommended a lot for my mother to come in with me. I honestly felt that was probably the only way she would maybe possibly change the way she approached me about things(aka laid on the guilt) but I never felt comfortable enough to bring her or tell her I was in therapy.

      2. Mephyle

        What Katie the Fed said is very key. Your goal is not to get her to be ok with what you decide to do. Your goal is to decide together what to do and stick to it.

    10. just laura

      Good for you for recognizing this and wanting to put a stop to it. Boundaries are important and you are smart to begin with boundaries rather than try to regain them in the years ahead! Good luck.

    11. BRR

      I might have missed it but I can’t tell how much involvement you want with your mother and if the holidays is an isolated issue or if these actions are constant.

      Most couples decide on a plan for the holidays. For me and my husband it’s always Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his. I don’t celebrate Christmas but Thanksgiving is a big gathering so it works out nicely. His two siblings alternate with their significant others so one year Christmas at the guy’s family the next at the girl’s.

      I think once you have a decision made it might be easier. Same with your wedding. Things like “We are serving this.” Any push back can be responded with “the decision has already been made” or one I used A LOT “This is a very stressful time for me and I appreciate your advice and it’s been very helpful as I did *previous thing* but after you bring something up once can you please let it go so as to not contribute more stress.”

    12. Puddin

      I think a good approach is to explain that you want to spend time with her and with finance’s family and the best way this will happen is X. If she cannot accommodate that, you will be disappointed, but understand that she has time constraints too and make plans for visiting another day/in another way. You have to really take charge of your mom and the event here. Your fiancé should be doing the same for his family. It is worth mentioning that if she is trying to get ALL of your family and everyone’s inlaws together at the same time/place it could very well be doomed form the start. How many people is that and how can you possible coordinate everyone’s schedule this time of year???

      Narcissistic Moms look it up, it might help. Mine has been – quite frankly – a poor human being about this sort of stuff. Hopefully yours is not to this point and is just having trouble adjusting to the new family order.

      I am sorry you have to go through this frustration during the holidays.

      1. Dan

        My mother is that N of which you speak. When we were growing up, she never explained anything to us. The rationale for everything was “because I’m your mother and I said so.” So my explanation these days is “because I don’t want to.” I mean, the woman does not have conversations with people who disagree with her, so trying to explain my self is a waste of fresh air. It’s not like she’s ever going to be ok with someone’s reasons for disagreeing with her.

    13. JMW

      Read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It is the best book ever on changing the dance in a relationship and create boundaries. It includes lots of examples to help you understand how to do it. Changed my life!

      1. fposte

        And if you haven’t dived into Captain Awkward, boundaries and families are a recurring theme there, so there’s lots of good advice and support.

    14. Grand Canyon Jen

      Even if your mom does not have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), this book might be helpful:
      “Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad. It was a real eye-opener for me. I also thought “Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life: Setting Boundaries on Unhealthy Relationships” by David Hawkins had lots of practical suggestions. The author writes from a Christian perspective and I’m Jewish, but the book was very useful nonetheless. You’re very smart to think about how you want to react to this behavior right at the beginning of your marriage. Good luck – we’re all pulling for you!

    15. ZSD

      Do you happen to have siblings who might also be married in the near-ish future? If so, things might get easier once there are several siblings who can set up a standard way of sharing the holidays between families. For example, my brother and I both alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas with our family and our in-laws. This year, we both were with our parents on Thanksgiving, and now we’ll both go to our in-laws’ for Christmas. Next year we’ll do the in-laws for T-Day and our family for Christmas. Could you set something up like that?
      It sounds to me like you might be trying to do Christmas with both your family and your husband’s family in the same year. It might be too late to change this for this year, but in the future, could you do one or the other? Do one family for all of Thanksgiving, and the other for all of Christmas. If your mom knows she’ll get your full attention for the whole long weekend (or whatever) for one of these holidays, maybe she’ll be more understanding about not getting to see you for the other one. That might be simpler than trying to orchestrate Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other.

    16. Ama

      Wow, I’m amazed to come back here and see such awesome suggestions! It’s given me a lot of food for thought and reading material. Thank you so much to everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences!

      I’ll be sure to update in future open threads if anything noteworthy happens.

      Thanks again!

      1. Kat M

        A bit late but my husband and I have had issues with his family regarding this. One thing that helped both of us was reading the book “Boundaries.” It is pretty heavy on Bible quotes and religious references, but I think the authors did a great job of explaining how to maintain boundaries in a loving way.

        Another thing we do is give each branch of the family one holiday where we travel to see them each year. If we are able to build in more trips, we will do that and they are, of course, welcome to come and visit us in our city. We have to constantly do this……..It can be very frustrating, especially as my own family has been nothing but accommodating, but we realize that, as long as we stand our ground and are on the same page, we’re doing what we can do.

    17. Snowball II

      Super-late and haven’t read the comments to this, but if I didn’t know better I’d think I wrote this post myself, and here’s how my husband and I have handled it. We (me and husband) make a decision about what we’re doing, taking into account various factors that are relevant to us (whether his sibling will be in from out-of-state where she lives, whether my sibling will be off from his non-standard-hours job or not and when, etc.), and then make a decision about who we’re seeing when. We then tell the Moms when they can expect us and for how long (the moms generally both issue “come here and spend the whole day here on Christmas!” invitations, so we’re not inviting ourselves or anything by doing this), and then we do what we said we’d do. The first year there were a lot of attempts to derail/change our plans (“no, but, you could stay longer/come here earlier/maybe you don’t *really* need to go to othermom’s place”), all of which were met with “this is the plan we can do, are you with it or not? If not, we’ll see you on ::other day that isn’t Christmas day::.” The moms whined, Mom #1 tried to hold us hostage by withholding dessert, etc., but we stuck to it. We’re on year three of “this is what we’re doing and you shall live with it,” and there’s no more resistance (although my mom remains a fan of the random passive-aggressive comment designed to imply that I no longer love her, which, ummm, yeah, good job mom. That’ll definitely encourage me to spend more time with you).

    18. I.M. Bananas

      “We’ll be married by this time next year and it’s really not a dynamic I want to deal with when we’re starting a life together.”

      Hee hee hee. Sorry. Just a knee-jerk response on my part. :D I’ve been married to my husband for almost 14 years (we’ve been a couple for 16.) I’m 40 and my husband will be 44 soon. We are even parents ourselves, with a 12 and 9 year old. , and our mothers STILL try to lecture and manipulate us like we’re children ourselves. Long before 40 I felt like an accomplished, capable adult, so…these attempts at control don’t sit well with me. At all.

      When my husband and I had our first child we moved closer to our families, within an hour from each of them…so we would pack up our stuff and the baby and alternate visiting the families EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. Whichever grandmother was not graced with a baby visit that weekend was “so sad” and we had to hear about it. Ridiculous.

      His family is Jewish and mine are not. So, Chanukkah/Christmas wasn’t an issue…thankfully. Honestly, if his Jewish mother had tried to make a stink about Christmas with my family, I would have flipped my lid at her looong ago!

      So, my husband and I made the rule, right after having the baby and moving, that we would alternate Thanksgivings with our families. Even years with his family, odd years with mine. Baby’s first Thanksgiving was an odd year…so…we went to my parent’s house.

      We got a sad, passive-aggressive, phone call from his mother while there. “I hope you have a wonderful day. We’re SO SAD you’re not with us, but ‘we understand’.”

      “We understand.”

      LOL.

      I have so many more stories. Family dynamics are insanely stupid sometimes.

  2. Gene

    In celebration of the Holiday Season:

    Best and worst Secret Santa/White Elephant/Yankee Gift Exchange gifts.

    Go!

    1. Gene

      Best: a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue

      Worst: a pair of “underpants for two”

      Best misfire, party at Division Director’s house, no mention of gift exchange, and wife and i showed up without.

    2. Beezus

      Worst gift ever – a thrift store dress with a huge lacy collar and a large bow in the rear, at least 15 years out of date, and not in a cute retro way, with a small rust stain on the skirt. Given by someone who could afford a normal gift, and it was a standard names-drawn gift exchange, gag gifts were not on the menu. I was 14 and mortified. My mother made me wear it at least twice.

    3. Dan

      I got a pen. It came in a case. No engraving. Lame. I traded it for sme chocolates… From a girl who doesn’t eat chocolate. Go figure.

      1. Stephanie

        I had a friend bake me a chocolate cake for a going-away party. I am allergic to chocolate…so I just watched everyone else eat the cake.

        1. StuckInTheHotel

          This! The office manager presented me with a cake covered with nuts at my going away party. I’m highly allergic to nuts and I know she knew that. I left the room and went back to work. That was 21 years ago and it still pisses me off.

        2. Anonsie

          My own parents did this to me once, but with a banana cake. Banana cake! It’s like they had to scour the city to find the only cake on earth that contains something that makes me sick.

    4. Stephanie

      Best – A eggplant ornament. My friend knew I really like to cook (and also cook eggplant) and got me this cute, glittery eggplant ornament from Sur La Table.

      Worst – A necklace from Brighton Collectibles. My friend has very um, odd tastes, but I have no clue what he was thinking (even for him). It was very hippie, 60-year-old soothsayer (or Overaccesorized Grandma). I’m sure it’s someone’s style (as the store’s still in business), but it’s definitely not mine. It was a choker (those look horrible on me since I’m busty with broad shoulders) that had a thick silver band with engraving on it. The pendant was a heart with half cut out. The other half was solid with a floral cut out. The metals were a mix of silver, bronze, and gold. And it was HEAVY. Really heavy. I believe it was costume. (I really, really hope it was costume.) Anyway, I told him thanks and then donated it a few weeks later.

    5. Nina

      Worst: a used lip balm.

      In all fairness, she was giving them away and this was when all the middle school girls were using each other’s Lip Smackers. However, I never it because I was such a germaphobe. Tried to tell my friend that I really didn’t want it, but she insisted.

    6. Felicia

      Worst: I got a bottle of coke. I don’t even drink coke mostly. Everyone else got much nicer presents.
      Best: I got a TARDIS mug this year :)

    7. JustPickANameAlready

      Best: a bag full of hand-stitched mousies stuffed with catnip for my feline friends.
      Worst: keychain finders that were supposed to beep when you whistle to help you find your keys. They were huge and ugly and got lost somewhere in my stuffed-full walk-in closet, then would randomly start beeping, usually in the middle of the night.

      It could have been worse though, my coworker who had been sober for 15 years received a scotch decanter.

    8. Elizabeth West

      Best–a set of two hot cocoa mugs in a gift box, with cocoa mix. Yum. Though cheap, they were surprisingly sturdy; it took quite a few years before I had to pitch them because they were so chipped.

      Worst–a foam banana.

      I haaaaaaaate white elephant gift exchanges. I will skip a party to avoid them.

    9. SaraV

      I really can’t think of a worst…

      Best received: an “office set” that had a mail sorter, pen/pencil holder, and a neat mini notepad all tucked into a wire wastebasket. We still use all of them. (Well, the notepad has been used up)

      Best given: My husband’s work Christmas party was mid January, and we were extremely tight financially. The day of the party, during my lunch hour, I stopped at the high end department store in town. I found a nice glass ornament that actually fit with my husband’s occupation marked down 75%, and they were selling bars of Godiva chocolate for a $1 at the register. And free gift wrapping! I think I spent less than $5. I consider myself extreeeemely lucky with that find.

    10. Cath in Canada

      Best: it’s a tie between the word-puzzle-a-day desk calendar and the “WTF?!” post-it notes

      Worst: various horrible scented soaps / lotions over the years. I like more natural scents like my citrus scented soap or my coconut scented hand lotion, NOT sickly sweet floral concoctions that would have been too much even for my Grandma

    11. ThursdaysGeek

      Best: a Disney Goofy watch that runs backwards. I loved that watch and when it wore out, I found another backwards watch, which I now wear. I have a hard time telling clockwise and counterclockwise now.

      Worst given: I make jam so I experimented and made zucchini jam. I wasn’t willing to try it, although I’m sure it just tasted like sugar since zucchini has no flavor. That was a gift that got stolen because someone actually wanted it!

  3. Changing the Subject

    I wasn’t sure if this was too off-topic for Friday’s thread, so here it goes…

    I am looking to have a medical procedure done next year for which I will require a 3-4 day recovery at most. Ideally, I would have it done on a Tuesday or Wednesday and take the rest of the week off work. It will probably not be until the summer, which squares well with our schedule, since we’re generally less busy in the summer.

    Now, here’s the issue: Due to the nature of the procedure, and my extremely private tendencies, I want as few people as possible to know what the procedure is. I don’t want my employer or coworkers to know I even had anything done. (No, it’s not plastic surgery, it will not be visible when I return to work.)

    We have separate vacation and sick leave buckets. I have 10 days’ vacation and 5 days’ sick leave. We can book the sick leave ahead of time in our system, but we are required to provide medical documentation. I don’t want to provide medical documentation due to the nature of the procedure.

    So, my plan is have the procedure done on vacation time, where I don’t have to provide a reason or any documentation, since my employer doesn’t care what I’m doing.

    However, my coworkers will usually ask casual and totally innocuous questions such as, “Ooh, got plans?” and “Where are you going?” etc. if they figure out I’m off for a few days. If I act shifty or don’t provide information, that’s when they get too curious. Like if I said “It’s for a personal issue”, they wouldn’t leave me alone. I’m thinking of telling them I’m traveling to Nearby City to see some friends. The city is about a 3 hour drive away, so the story should hold.

    Do you think this is reasonable or should I just get over it and reveal my private medical information to my employer?

    Thanks, as always, for your advice. This readership is the best there is, I swear. Thank you.

    1. Beezus

      If you’re not comfortable sharing, don’t share! A white lie for something like this is fine. I also think it would be perfectly ok to say you’re having a minor medical procedure done and will need a few days’ recovery, and if anyone asks questions, smile and say you’d prefer not to discuss it.

      I would also develop the habit of taking off a day or two here and there without sharing details on how you’re spending the time, if you’re private about your personal life. That way it’s your norm and they won’t think anything of it.

    2. Natalie

      Staycation for sure. If your recovery will allow it, check out that museum/botanical garden/weird street performer you keep meaning to see, and then you have one thing to gush about when your coworkers ask. If not, just go with Netflix binge and alphabetizing your spicerack. No one’s going to care enough about that to pry.

    3. fposte

      I get the privacy thing, but would you be willing to find a halfway solution that isn’t outright lying to people? There’s a risk of backfire there and you may end up doing sitcom type embroidery on the lie. I think in general if you’re working with the nosy it’s good to improve your stonewalling technique–let them ask, you don’t have to answer beyond a pleasant smile and “It’s just time to take some days off. What do you think I should binge watch?”

      Though ultimately I’d probably just take the medical leave. In most organizations, the people seeing the paperwork will have seen so much medical info about delicate areas that it’s humdrum and should be discreet about it (a firm “My privacy is important to me–I can trust this information stays confidential, right?” might not hurt). That shouldn’t mean you have to tell co-workers, and if you’re in a workplace where you have to tell somebody awkward or somebody with a big mouth I can understand skipping it. But I’m currently in the fourth week of a planned two-week medical leave, so I lean strongly toward keeping officialdom in the loop for your own protection.

      1. fposte

        Ah, I like people’s staycation idea–that way you don’t have to make stuff up, you just omit the medical part.

      2. Changing the Subject

        Sorry to hear that — I hope you are doing OK!

        3-4 days is pretty much the bad-case-scenario recovery, but not the worst-case. I think I might book my entire 2 weeks’ vacation just to be safe, and then if I feel fine, I’ll unbook it and go in anyway (this is totally fine at my workplace — people book and cancel trips often enough, and it’s considered OK to book vacation time and then go in anyway and cancel it).

        I think I will just say “No big plans — just time for some R&R.” I’ve taken staycations before (e.g. this year I took some days off before the 4th of July) and that answer seemed to go over just fine. The others’ advice is great and you are right, if I make up a trip and someone sees me or something it could be a problem. It’s not a situation where I must lie, so I should avoid it.

        The other thing is, my manager in particular has shown extraordinary discretion. I could go to him and say “Hey, while I’m taking vacation time, it’s actually for a minor medical procedure” and discuss the off chance that I’ll need more vacation time so at least he is in the loop. If I burn through the entire 2 weeks’ vacation, then I can still provide medical documentation and go on sick leave or FMLA. That option is not ruled out just because I started with vacation. I think this might be the best option — keep my trustworthy manager in the loop, and everyone else out of it.

        1. jordanjay29

          If you have a trustworthy manager, is there a reason you’re opting for vacation time instead of medical leave? Why would you need to tell your coworkers you’re going out on medical leave? Just tell them you’ll be out and let them assume it’s vacation.

          1. Changing the Subject

            Well, we have to put all vacation and medical leave through our managers but also HR/payroll. The manager approves it, but HR/payroll also knows about it. If it’s medical leave / sick leave, the documentation goes only to HR and not manager — precisely so that our immediate managers don’t know what our medical issues are. Ironically, my manager is fine, it’s HR that I don’t trust! They’ve put out false rumors about other people, e.g. regarding people’s citizenship (that they are not US citizens when in reality they are (we are in the US)). So I’m not going to put medical documentation through them unless I burn through the 2 weeks’ vacation, which is unlikely.

            I realize I’ve explained this in a confusing manner…my apologies for that.

            1. jordanjay29

              Ooooh, HR is the problem. Shucks, that’s rotten. I wish you had a better recourse. I mean, I’m not sure what HR could really do with the knowledge that you’re having a generic medical procedure (you should really use HIPAA protections to your greatest extent here), but I can see why you wouldn’t want to take the chance.

              Best of luck.

            2. misspiggy

              Wow, that makes me appreciate UK data protection laws for the first time. How did your company not get sued for that?

            3. Observer

              Your HR people are nuts. I’m surprised that whoever pulled that got away with it – it’s the kind of that could really get the company in trouble.

            4. Bea W

              Ugh. I understand that. Worked in a place where HR and/or the Queen Biatch of Finance (who oversaw payroll) leaked sensitive information to the owner’s EA who was a huge gossip.

            5. LaurenR

              I’ve seen doctor’s offices willing to give an excuse indicating that you need to be out for a procedure for x number of days without including a diagnosis or description of the procedure. Any chance your doc is willing to write up one of those? Then if anyone asks you can say you’re out for medical reasons and give no more information? That way you don’t need to blow through all your vacation time for procedure recovery because, let’s be honest, recovering is not a vacation for the most part.

              1. Agile Phalanges

                Yes, this. The doctor (or other medical provider) doesn’t need to LIE, but just be non-specific. “Changing the Subject will be undergoing a medical procedure on June 1 that requires three additional days of recovery time. Please excuse Changing from work through June 4th.” No specifics, doesn’t even say whether it’s diagnostic, surgical, medical, or anything. Just that you have a legitimate need to miss four days of work.

            6. Elizabeth West

              Ugh, what the hell kind of HR do you have?! How unprofessional. In that case, I’d just do it on vacation and then if people ask, say “I’m going to relax and do nothing. Yeaaah!” Technically, it’s not a lie, since you will be resting. :)

            7. Mephyle

              It makes me want to suggest that you could drop veiled hints to HR that you need time off to sort out your immigration status (with strict instructions not to tell anyone). It could work if you fit people’s stereotype of born-in-America. Well, I’m just floating a karmic fantasy. Not suggesting it seriously.

      3. Alma

        I agree with fposte. “I am sure you will respect my Health Care Privacy rights…” is a strong statement.

        The medical leave will be more flexible should something cause your stay to be longer than outpatient. It would also be important if you are using your job’s insurance coverage.

        The week after my gall bladder was removed was the week I was in bed gripping the pain pills. After another minor procedure, I got bronchitis from the intubation, and was coughing so fiercely I was afraid I was going to bust the stitches. Ya never know!

        1. Changing the Subject

          I should not have used the term “medical leave” since we don’t actually have medical leave beyond 5 paid sick days and unpaid FMLA.

          I don’t *know*, but there are probabilities. If there is a 10% chance I’ll need more than 14 days to recover, I’m not willing to provide the documentation to HR unless that 10% chance transpires. Realistically, the chance that I’ll need more than 14 days to recover is less than 1%.

          Plus, I only have 5 sick days, so if the recovery took seven times longer than normal (21 days instead of 3), I’d still have to use vacation time in order to get paid.

          I think if I keep posting here I’m going to go into asshole mode and get myself IP-banned, so I should probably stop posting now. Thanks everyone.

    4. jordanjay29

      Any chance you can talk to someone higher up and not in any way part of your daily work life? Like someone in HR or the boss’s boss’s boss? At that point, someone who barely knows your name, much less cares about why you’re out on medical leave, should keep your information protected enough (and HR definitely should, you can bet they see more information than they could ever gossip about).

      If that’s not an option, you might consider asking your medical provider for a very generic letter for documentation purposes. Saying nothing more than that you’re going to have a minor surgery and will be waylaid for 3-4 days. If you’re in the US, this is sufficient for any employer due to HIPAA regulations, they can’t legally ask about anything specific. If you’re outside the US, and your employer isn’t satisfied, have the medical provider include their phone number and let your employer call them to satisfy their curiosity. Outside the US, Doctor-Patient privilege should prevent any medical provider worth their snuff (and who want to keep practicing) from divulging anything confidential, they would likely just confirm what’s on the letter (“Yes, Ms./Mr. Changing The Subject will be treated at our facility on X date. We expect recovery to be a few days, s/he shouldn’t be working during this time.”).

      I agree with fposte here that you want to provide SOMEONE with SOMETHING related to your medical leave. You don’t want to use vacation days for this, that’s an injustice to you. Your modesty will not suffer too much, and you’ll enjoy the 10 vacation days.

      Besides, anywhere that is going to maliciously use your medical leave against you, or gossip about any such condition, is not a place you want to be working.

      1. Changing the Subject

        Yes, I want to use my vacation days for this. I’m not sure what you mean by “injustice”, but I don’t feel like I’m being wronged by using my vacation time to do something I’ve wanted to do for years. TBH, I don’t really “enjoy” my vacation — I mostly just sleep like 14-15 hours a day. So I’m fine using vacation to have a medical procedure, after which I’ll be sleeping plenty, anyway. I didn’t even ask for vacation time when negotiating, I’m not really a vacation kind of person.

        I appreciate your concern, but I am fine working at my current job. One thing I see a lot on this blog, that I don’t really get, is the whole “If your employer does X, do you really want to be working for them?” Why yes, I do. I don’t mean to be rude or offensive, I just can’t relate to the mindset that I should find another job because of occasional non-ideal behavior. (I am very fortunate to be healthy enough that medical issues are a rare occasion.)

        Anyway, I think I’ve settled on what to do — so thank you for your help!

    5. Ask a Manager Post author

      Just a reminder to please keep this thread non-work-focused (it was specifically created for that reason and I’ve found if I’m not vigilant about that, its nature changes). Thank you!

      1. Changing the Subject

        That’s what I was concerned about…but I thought it was too non-work-focused for Friday’s (since it’s medical related). I’m sorry Alison!

    6. Student

      Usually, you don’t need to document the actual procedure to take sick leave. You need a note from a doctor that says, “Changing is undergoing a medical procedure that will require 4 days of leave time.” Or, sometimes it just says, “Changing requires 4 days of medical recovery time.” I’d encourage you to talk to your doctor here.

      The, come up with a nice white lie and tell it when asked. If you use the sick leave after all, then make one up that will plausibly require the same amount of time. Tell them you’re having your wisdom teeth pulled. Tell them you’re undergoing a sleep study. Tell them you’ve been having some back pain and you’re getting some stuff done for it. Dissemble if asked for details: “I don’t understand the medical mumbo-jumbo, but the doctor said it’d probably help, and that I needed to take it easy for a few days afterwards.”

      If you use vacation time, just tell them you’re visiting some distant relatives – the boring, obligatory kind of visit. Visiting a sick aunt or grandmother. Niece’s wedding. Second cousin’s baby shower. In-law’s retirement party. Make up some minor comment for your return, and then deflect with a question about your co-worker. “Oh, In-Law’s retirement party was pretty much exactly what you’d expect. The old codger seemed to enjoy himself, though. Anything interesting happen around here while I was out?”

      1. INTP

        PBI – Sometimes having to provide a doctor’s note at all, no matter how vague, violates privacy by the very nature of the doctor’s specialty. I’m not sure if that’s the case here, and I’m not trying to be argumentative with you. It’s just a soapbox I get on because a lot of people don’t realize how the vaguest doctor’s note can reveal information a person doesn’t want to share. (For ex., your nosy boss is annoyed by your vagueness, googles your doctor’s name, and finds out that it’s a psychiatrist, oncologist, etc.)

    7. De (Germany)

      I am in a country where I need doctor’s notes for medical leave and those never have any information on what you have on them. Just that you need to be away from work from day X to Y. Would that work?

    8. INTP

      A staycation – “I’m just going to stay on the couch and watch netflix!” – is a good excuse if your workplace and coworkers can be trusted to leave you alone and not try to call you or even get you to come in for an “emergency” knowing that you won’t be “busy.” It protects you from consequences more than other lies if you’re found out in that you can point out that you really WERE staying at home, watching netflix on the couch, you just left out the medical procedure because you found the particular type somewhat embarrassing.

      If your coworkers can’t be trusted to leave you alone for a staycation, then lying is fine as long as you have the basic knowledge to answer basic questions. I.E. check what the weather was, choose a city you’ve already been to before so you can make up things you did, double check if there were any major events in town, etc.

      Some people might think lying is OTT for this sort of thing. I worked in the nosiest office ever (I literally told my boss “I’m having surgery to add drainage holes to my maxillary sinuses” and she wanted to know where in the sinus cavity the holes would be and what they were using to drill them), so I get it – sometimes people need to be placated with details and it’s easier to lie than nobly sacrifice your sanity and peace to defend your right to be vague.

    9. HR Manager

      Doctor’s notes can be discreet. If it’s required for your leave/sick time policy, you can ask your doctor to write something general (i.e., needs to be off for x days to recover from a medical procedure). When I needed to be off work for shingles, my doctor didn’t put that right on the note either. Just a note saying I advise xx day off from work to rest and recover.

      Most of my managers are good at not digging into why. They just accept this and move forward. I would also let nosy coworkers know that you just need some time at home and let that be.

  4. Is This Legal

    At what point did you decide to divorce, and what was the main reason? What was it that you said, I can’t deal with this anymore? Just curious…

    1. Windchime

      I think I’ve posted this before, but I knew when I realized that I was looking for a place to drive my car off the road and into the river, so that it would look like an accident. If I was actually thinking that was a reasonable alternative to staying married, it was time for it to be over.

      That was years and years ago, but I still remember when the realization hit me.

      1. Not for this one

        I was never married, but I had a similar realization in a long term domestic partner relationship. Partner wasn’t home when they were supposed to be and I tend to worry so I was thinking maybe they had gone off a bridge or something. And suddenly I thought “that would make things a lot easier.” Horrible sounding, but at the time I couldn’t envision ending things an yet didn’t want them to continue.

        For whatever it’s worth, we split amicably and are still really close friends. My brief “could you just die, accidentally?” moment didn’t change the fact that I cared for them. And we’re both much happier with our lives now.

        1. Cristina in England

          “My brief “could you just die, accidentally?” moment didn’t change the fact that I cared for them.”
          YES. I thought I was alone in that.

          1. Windchime

            Make that 4. According to the therapist I had at the time, this is a really common fantasy that people have when they are divorcing or contemplating divorce. It doesn’t mean that you really want the other person to be dead, it’s just an indication that you really want the relationship to be over and that’s one way it could happen without anyone really having to purposefully end it.

    2. Cristina in England

      When I realized that I didn’t want to have children with him, even though I always wanted children. I realized I was creating obstacles, like “we will have kids after I get my masters” and then when that was finished, another “after”. I realized that although we got along on a day to day, superficial level, we wanted completely different lives, and had different values. I realized I had been shrinking in order to fit in with him and my inlaws and their idea of a good life. I realized that when we met I was working in a customer-heavy job and when I got home I wanted to relax quietly, but then as I was doing my masters I was home all the time, and I wanted someone to talk to–we did not have stimulating conversation. We had a superficially perfect life but I was so unhappy and lonely and lost.
      I am so so sorry you’re having to ask this question. Even though I made the choice to leave and I was so unhappy in the marriage, getting divorced was the hardest thing I have done, and I felt real grief for the life I left.

      1. StillHealing

        Mine is the same. I divorced first husband when I realized I did not want to have children with him. He was emotionally unavailable frequently and spent a lot of time with outdoor recreation. It was mostly his time though we did mountain bike, cross country ski and hike together. Bringing children into ‘his time” would encroach to much. He didn’t have a patience or safety mindedness to introduce children to outdoor recreation.

      2. Mallory Janis Ian

        My first serious relationship wasn’t a marriage, but we lived together for a couple of years and it felt like a divorce when I ended it. The impetus came really soon after he proposed to me and I accepted. Being engaged made me take a much more serious look at whether I wanted to spend my life with him, and sadly the answer was no. The main deal-breaker was that I did not want to have children with him. He claimed –in all seriousness — that he wanted a boy just like Bart Simpson. No. Just no.

    3. Kimmy

      When the thought of having a son just like him caused a non-mistakable “oh heck no” gut reaction. Also, the day I realized that I cried in the bathtub at least twice a week, instinctively slept turned away from him, and knew that if I won the lottery I’d be outta there.

    4. Dan

      For me it was more lke a straw that broke the camel’s back ind of thing. But i guess I could say that i truly knew it was when we were fighting and she wanted to get a hotel for the weekend. Instead of missing her, I was happy she was gone. I hadn’t felt that happy in probably a year or so, and I was going to do whatever it took to hold onto that. If our marriage was over, then so be it.

      We separated six weeks later. I don’t look back.

      1. Dan

        I will say that the day it ended, I didn’t expect it to be that specific day. No withstanding that it was a Saturday, and I had already been to see a divorce lawyer earlier in the afternoon to see what I was up for. And boom, it happened. Just like that.

        Separation day has got to be the weirdest day ever. You’ve certainly been thinking about it, you may have talked about it, but the day it actually happens. You’re like “oh shit. This is how it goes down?”

        1. The Maple Teacup

          For me, that day was when my husband turned to me and said “I want a divorce.” He never deviated from that path. The reason was he didn’t love me anymore. It was a one sided process.

              1. jamlady

                I’m sorry for this. I may be making a lot of assumptions here because I have no idea what was happening in either of your lives, but it sounds like he wasn’t a strong enough partner. Marriage is hard and carrying it all by yourself is heartbreaking. I hope things have been better for you.

          1. Bea W

            My mother did that to my dad. I don’t think he ever truly got over it. He’s not exactly great in the relationship department himself, but I still feel bad for him. He didn’t see it coming and didn’t get a choice in the matter.

            1. The Maple Teacup

              Ouch. Poor Dad. :(

              I realized my marriage was truly dead when I got a flat tire and needed a tow truck. Turns out the Ex was the primary holder of the policy, and canceled mine without warning. I had to buy membership on the spot. Or it could have been when I was removed from the medical insurance and got stuck with an unexpected bill. No wait, it was when I got the official divorce papers served to me without warning. It had been promised that I would be notified the day the papers would show up. Nope! I open the door expecting a kid selling Girl Guide Cookies and got legal papers. Those were moments of “I don’t want to deal with this/you any more. Good riddance!” It’s actually more humorous now than it sounds.

            2. The Cosmic Avenger

              Not to make light of it, but I can top that. My mother packed up her things while my father was out of the house and moved without telling him. (She had already leased an apartment, which I knew about, but I didn’t know that she wasn’t planning on telling him at all before moving out.) Then when she got her stuff to her new place that day, she called me and told me that she found the note she had written to him in her stuff, could I call my father and let him know?

              I felt bad for my dad, but they were so miserable together that I had been hoping that they would split up since childhood. It did them both a lot of good, they were stuck in such unhealthy patterns and there was no breaking them while they were together.

              1. Mallory Janis Ian

                Wow about the moving and not telling. That’s how my grandma moved back to Arkansas from California in the fifties. She had been telling and telling my grandpa that she wanted to move back, but he didn’t want to. Well, one day while he was at work, she packed up the whole house onto the truck. When he got home from work, she told him, “The kids and I are moving back to Arkansas; are you coming or not?” So he got in the truck with her and they moved back to Arkansas.

    5. Not So NewReader

      I’m widowed, not divorced. So this may not count. But I feel very strongly that life can be exceedingly difficult and if you cannot talk to each other, then you have nothing. We buried 3 out of 4 parents together, cleaned out their houses together and did our own life things concurrently. We both felt we were in the marriage for the long haul but there were lots of days that were hugely challenging.

      The outside forces, alone, that tug on a marriage are innumerable. If you have forces inside the relationship that are tugging on the relationship, it’s a major big deal.

      You have to have some sense of “team”. We did not always agree with each other, but we did agree to help each other, anyway, in spite of disagreeing over particulars. This goes back to, you have to be able to talk with each other.

    6. Stacy

      I knew things were seriously not good when, like someone else said, I knew that if I won the lottery I would leave.

      I knew things needed to be done immediately when I found bruises on my body after an argument & my spouse’s only reaction was “I never touched you” and to be angry at me for speaking up about it & bringing it to the attention of others. I believe my exact words were simply “We’re done here.” Because what else is left to say at that point then?

    7. Is This Legal

      I know a couple who divorced after 30 years of marriage and I was thinking after that long you might as well stay. You’ve been cheated on, lied to and all the bad stuff, how low could it go? I guess from reading this there comes a point when you just can’t take it anymore.

      1. Not So NewReader

        I know a couple that divorced after 50 years. I guess I would describe it as an awakening. It was no one thing in particular, it was 50 years of “things”.

        1. fposte

          I think it was Thirtysomething that had a great bit about somebody’s sixty-seventy-year old mother divorcing, saying that it was about her deciding that it wasn’t too late for her to have the life she wanted to have. I think of that now when I hear about people divorcing after many years together or late in life–that it could be about somebody taking courage and valuing their future at that age, same as any other.

    8. Carrie in Scotland

      Never married but with my last partner, whom I was with for 2.5 years and lived together it was when he fell into the Christmas tree drunk in front of my brother who was here for Christmas…I knew I couldn’t keep being with him. That, and the fact that he never wanted to go anywhere and any time we did, we’d just stick to the same places.

    9. GOG11

      When I found out about woman #6 or something. And that the relationship had occurred prior to our engagement even. At that point I knew it was completely about him and nothing about me or our marriage could change his compulsive behavior.

    10. NacSacJack

      It took a while. It was my second long-term relationship but it was when he was on a staycation and would not walk the dogs, cook, clean or even leave the house the entire 7 days. Then he lost his job and it went downhill from there.

  5. fposte

    Finally, week four after surgery things have started turning around. Incrementally slowly, with lots of backsliding, but they are actually better. Thanks for the kind words during my downturn, and a hat-tip to Katie the Fed for reminding me to walk. Still can’t make it farther than the end of the block, but it does help.

    1. Nina

      I’m glad things are starting to improve for you. Recovery is painful, but at least it’s happening. :)

    2. Not So NewReader

      Don’t answer here, if you don’t want to but do you have someone walking with you or are you doing these walks alone?
      I kind of see you as one of these determined, self-sufficient types that sort of powers through things. When I read this I thought- I bet she is walking by herself. If this is the case, please consider taking someone with you. Family members who have walked with someone have made out better than if they walked alone- just an observation, may or may not have merit.

      1. fposte

        You’re not wrong in the characterization, but as a rule-follower I am a very compliant patient, and I’m out there taking my little walk several times a day, regardless of weather. (They’re also not concerned with distance right now.) The advantage of going by myself is that I can pick time and turnaround exactly to suit my needs and use windows of opportunity. But I will in future enjoy thinking of you, kind NSNR, as I forge ahead, and that will be like walking in company.

          1. fposte

            Oh, good thought. Right now I’m just walking in front of two neighbor’s houses, and they’d come and prop me up if I tipped over, but hopefully I’ll make it farther soon.

        1. Not So NewReader

          Ahh, the power of positive thoughts. I have been working with affirmations lately, myself. I highly recommend this to anyone facing a short term challenge– and not just physical challenges, either.
          So, perfect, take all your positive thoughts out for a stroll.

    3. Katie the Fed

      Aww good I’m glad you’re doing a bit better. And yeah, the walking is hard but it helps a lot. I found out I couldn’t walk my dog though when my back was out – any sudden movements from her and I was doubled over. Oy. Back problems are the absolute worse.

      Also, tell the truth: was “backsliding” an intentional pun? :)

    4. ExceptionToTheRule

      Glad to hear things are getting better for you. Lots of positive thoughts and vibes have been sent your way.

    5. danr

      Good news… but be prepared for the next plateau. And do walk. I remember the feeling when I made it down our driveway without stopping. (our driveway is about 200 feet long). Yesterday we stacked our firewood delivery and I took breaks to sit every half hour or so. Actually made the work go faster.

  6. MJ (Aotearoa/New Zealand)

    WE GOT A NEW KITTEN OMG OMG OMG.

    We just moved into our own home a few months ago so were never able to have pets before then. So we decided our Christmas present to ourselves was going to be a kitten.

    She is a BEAUTIFUL grey and black tabby, 8 weeks old, we’ve named her Jean for Jean Batten because she is super-adventurous. She is so ridiculously adorable and I am just delighted by everything she does. She is my absolute favourite thing <3

    1. Kimmy

      Congrats!! Kittens are the best! I write down all the sweet and funny things my four-legged babies do and it is so fun to read when they’re older :)

    2. skyline

      Kitten! Congrats to all!

      Kittenhood is such a brief and wonderful time that all I can say is treasure it and find some way to capture it. My girls are now sleek adult ladycats, and I love them as they are, but I’m glad I have pics and video of their first weeks with me. They were so playful, and uncoordinated, and hilarious.

      1. Persephone Mulberry

        A few weeks back I rediscovered a video I had taken of our younger cat when he was ~8 weeks old – I nearly got up and drove to the humane society for a fresh kitten. LOL

      1. Non-profit Anon

        We bought a new kitten this Christmas as well. She is a three-month-old calico. Currently she is hiding upstairs in our room. We are hoping to keep it a secret until Christmas morning from our two girls. At the adoption shelter they recommended a week quarantine from our other cat, so we are hopingthat will be finished and she will be acclimated to our home by Christmas morning.

        It’s so fun and so hard to keep this beautiful secret from our little girls. but I know they will freak out and be so excited whenever they find out!

        1. Ask a Manager Post author

          Advice learned the hard way: Let your older cat smell things that smell like the kitten during this week (blanket she’s laid on or whatever). If the older cat gets used to her smell before they meet, it will make for a shorter adjustment period!

          1. LisaS

            A charming thought, but one to which my ten year old calico would issue a disgusted, “Feh!”

            Seriously, I brought a yard kitten into the house 7 years ago, and despite a warmup period extending several months (he had a variety of health issues) she *still* hates him and attacks him on a regular, if random, basis. He’s bigger than she is, though, so I’ve told him he’s on his own…

        2. TAD

          I actually alternate cats between rooms so that they can get used to each other’s scent before they ever meet each other. It has worked pretty well. I do the same sort of thing with dogs. I do rescue and always have new fosters coming and going so I’m really structured in integrating new dogs into the household.

    3. Monodon monoceros

      I’m jealous. I love my 15 year old kitty, but I adopted her when she was 10, and before that I had 2 older cats that passed away. So it’s been a long time without a kitten! I volunteer for an animal welfare organisation and I’m really hoping to foster some kittens soon to get a little bit of kitten time.

    4. Windchime

      There is nothing more fun than a kitten! My cat is now a beautiful, grown-up two year old, but I have videos of his first Christmas where he is shakily climbing the Christmas tree and knocking off ornaments. He is so tiny and cute! Enjoy this time; she will be a big girl soon.

      I love kittens so much. :)

    5. HR Manager

      Dang I want pictures. I miss having a tiny furball in the house, even though my two 16 lb boys are still cute and cuddly. *sigh* I was just thinking how they used to fit in my hands. Now one of their heads fills up my palms. Congratulations and enjoy – they grow up so fast!

  7. Windchime

    I’m watching a new episode of “90 Day Fiance” and, like every other episode I watch, it makes me really miss TWoP (Television Without Pity).

    1. fposte

      Reading the archives has been one of my recuperation amusements. I particularly miss it after Project Runway episodes, since it’s the main show I still watch that I would Rush to read the recaps for.

    2. RFWL

      Everyone moved over to previously.tv when TWOP was closed. Have you tried over there? Its like they distilled the best TwOP posters to that forum.

      1. Al Lo

        I like previously.tv, but I really miss the long-form recaps. It’s just not the same with all the different shorter formats.

      2. Windchime

        I haven’t tried over there–thanks for the tip. I just want to talk about the train wreck that is Danielle and Mohammed with somebody who will understand . :)

    3. AmyNYC

      Check out the MonkeySee the Npr clutter blogger,I’m think their lead blogger used to work at TVoP. Also they have a podcast with a bunch or NPR culture and arts people called “Pop Culture Happy Hour” which I LOVE

    4. Sunflower

      I am just catching up on 90 day fiance. Mohamed and Danielle are so bizarre and awkward I almost wish they had their own show. Cassia and Jason- have you ever seen someone who hate her fiance more than she hates him? same with Daya and Brett. Not sure who is more vicious between those 2 ladies. I laughed every episode Daya thought the ring was fake- no honey, if the ring was fake, it wouldn’t have a giant flaw in it. It is nice to see some couples who did not meet online/have spent more than a couple weeks together before getting engaged. I’m hoping the pop star and his fiancee can work it out though!

  8. jordanjay29

    So I’m moving out at the end of December. This is the weekend after finals (I’m done with school!) and my dad volunteered to drive up tomorrow to help me bring some of my stuff down. Whatever will fit between our two crossovers.

    Problem is, my apartment is hot. Too hot. The radiators are going full blast, despite the fact that it’s been hovering around 30 F here for the last few weeks. I’ve shut off all but two radiators, and the biggest of those two I’ve tried (and failed) to shut off. I have all the windows open that I’m comfortable (which is all but the two that open onto the fire escape). I’m just about to jump in a cold shower except that would steal away precious awake time that I want to use for packing.

    On the bright side, I’ve got half my electronics packed away. Those are the key things I want to take back with me this weekend, aside from a chair and some clothes. The rest can wait until after Christmas, but it sure is going to be interesting try to get it all out of here. When I moved in I had a small pickup truck that I could use to haul a lot of the furniture pieces, but now I have a small(er) crossover that I doubt I’ll be able to fit half the amount of stuff. I’m considering renting a moving service, since none of my friends are up here anymore (either graduated and moved away or on break until mid-Jan) and I don’t think I can convince my parents to run up the three flights of stairs between my apartment and the street again and again and again.

    1. Jeanne

      I think moving services can be worth every penny. They save your back, they save your family relationships, they save time. Do all the packing yourself though. It’s a lot to pay them to put stuff in boxes.

    2. Stephanie

      If you’ve got the cash, I’d hire movers. I used some for a move and they were worth every penny (including the additional $95 they charged for moving in and out of third-floor rooms with no elevator access). I also knew plying friends with beer and pizza wasn’t going to work.

      If you don’t have enough room in your car, you could rent a U-Haul cargo van. (Is this a local move?)

      1. jordanjay29

        In-state, yes. It’s about 3 hours by car. The U-Haul would be great, except I need people at both ends to help pack and unpack it. I don’t have those.

        1. Puddin

          Check out Craigslist – with the normal caveats – for people who will help load and unload the UHaul. There are handy people and even franchised mover services that do this sort of thing (at least in mid market or bigger cities). Would not hurt to call your local moving company to see if they offer this service too. Also keep in mind a UHaul is a pain the arse to drive. It will probably add an hour to the total drive time, in my experience anyway. But it will save tons of money by not having the movers drive in their van. And def pack yourself, this will save big bucks. Oh and if you need boxes freecycle can help with that too.

        2. Stephanie

          You’re moving for a new job, right? If it’s at a big enough company, try asking for your company’s EAP or relocation services. Even if you’re not getting relocation provided, they should be able to provide the name of reputable movers they’ve worked with before. My dad’s friend did this when she self-relocated out here.

        1. Stephanie

          I think because at that point, we were all working professionals and most of us could afford a decent dinner (so free dinner wasn’t much of an incentive). I also didn’t think a cheap meal was enough for what would have been a full day of work (and I lived in a third-floor room at the top of a super narrow staircase).

            1. jordanjay29

              HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

              Okay, so I’m actually packing. No troll dolls (LOL! I remember those, and painfully I might add). And I would probably offer up the remainder of my liquor supply, which is about 2 half bottles of red wine, some rum, amaretto and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Also, I cleared out the majority of my books (no, I didn’t move in every book I owned, but it’s surprising how many “bedtime reading” and textbooks one accumulates over the college years) and movies a while back.

              But yes, that sentiment applies. Thanks for the late-night humor.

            2. doreen

              OMG, I got stuck helping my sister-in-law move a few months ago- and it was just like that except we didn’t even get beer and pizza and I don’t think she lifted a single box herself. She was too busy nitpicking about how we were doing things. At her age (47), you really ought to hire movers instead of asking your fifty-ish friends and relatives to help.

              1. Clerica

                The three times my cousin and I helped my mother move, we “helped” in the sense that we did all the, you know, moving while she’d spend three hours at a stretch packing boxes of Celestial Seasonings alphabetically or whatever. We figured out pretty quickly that her doing that was better than her “helping” us by dogging our footsteps while we hefted furniture and complaining if anything so much as grazed the edge of anything else.

              1. Clerica

                This was what pushed me to go digital even though I used to view hard copies almost like travel souvenirs. Each one held a memory. But when you move at least once a year on average, and when there are a good six boxes full of books of the “from my cold, dead hands” collection…yeah, the rest had to go.

                1. Elizabeth West

                  I don’t move very often, but I’d like to; I hate where I am. I need to purge. I did give away eight boxes of books to the library sale a couple of years ago. It’s probably time to do that again.

          1. Dan

            I haven’t had to move in several years… Assumimg my next move is criss cross town, I’m just going to pay $500 and suck it up. There are people who advertise for like $75/hr with a free truck and I really don’t have that much crap. Uhaul is still going to cost half that.

            1. Christy

              Dude, uhaul in-town moves are really not that expensive, even in our area. Everyone has this impression and it’s just not true. You have to pick up and drop off to the same location for it to be cheap, but if you do, it’s pretty cheap.

              I’m not saying that it’s worth the cost savings, not at all, but there is definitely a substantial cost savings.

        2. jordanjay29

          I can’t afford it, and even if I could, no one is in town that I trust. If it’s beer and pizza, I have to pay for it. If it’s a moving service, I think I can get my parents to foot the bill (on the logic that it won’t be them doing the moving).

      2. Seal

        +1000 to this. After having friends and family help me with every move since I went off to college, I hired movers for my last 2 moves and it was a revelation. Worth every penny!

        1. StuckInTheHotel

          I have moved 11 times in 22+ years. Hire packers and movers if you can afford it. Watch them like hawks. Supply coffee (and maybe doughnuts) in the morning, water bottles all day and a tray of subs for lunch. Fed packers/movers are happy packers/movers. Only a few disasters over the years but not enough to cry about.

    3. Gene

      Or you could install a hitch receiver on your small crossover. I’m firmly of the opinion that all vehicles should have a receiver.

      1. jordanjay29

        When I say small crossover, I mean Nissan Juke. I’m not even sure it has the power to pull a trailer, much less the legal ability due to mirror FOV.

        1. Stephanie

          Yeah, my last car was a manual transmission Chevy Cavalier. It struggled to get up steep hills or mountain passes. My owner’s manual pretty much said it couldn’t tow anything.

          1. jordanjay29

            My little truck was a ’94 Mazda B4000, aka Ford Ranger. It was a Rear Wheel Drive, not 4×4 or AWD, so it was perfect (translation from sarcasm: NOT!) for the icy hills of my town. So glad I was able to get rid of that and get something better.

            1. Stephanie

              My friend and her husband came over during the DC Snowpocalypse in 2010 (where the city shut down for like a week due to record amounts of snow). Perhaps the cabs have improved since I’ve left, but DC cabs were pretty bad back then (loose regulations, poor maintenance, etc). They call a cab to leave and I head to bed.

              Next day, they tell me the cab com and it had rear-wheel drive. Cab gets stuck in a snow bank. Driver’s solution is that he’ll step on the gas while they both get out and push. They do this, get the cab going. They said they then had to run in the snow to catch up with the cab and hop in (driver was worried he’d get stuck again if he stopped). I wish I was awake to see this (and had a camera).

              1. jordanjay29

                Sounds like me in my old truck at any stop sign here in town. Creep up the hill and—oh no! a stop sign!— slow down as much as I can, wait for cars to go through, then speed back up. Well, try to. Spin wheels for a few minutes, sometimes slide into the curb, watch cars behind me get pissed and go past.

                RWD is lots of fun in the winter.

          2. Dan

            Heh. When I moved from DC to LA, I packed my Chevy Malibu *full*/and it struggled going through denver. When I moved to Cincinnati, I actually had a hitch I stalled and rented a trailer. I had the car checked out before I left, told the LM what I was up to, and paid $1500 in repairs to get on the road. 4 hours outside of LA, I had problems that lasted for the rest of the trip. Cost me another $700 when I got to Cincinnati.

    4. reader

      As the parent I vote for movers. We moved son across state a few months ago (this is 3rd major move since college graduation). Husband and I are not really physically up to this anymore. Fortunately it was only one flight of stairs at the new place and he didn’t have too much stuff. Told my husband when we got home I’ll pay for the movers next time if I have to.

    5. VintageLydia USA

      We got lucky when we did our 4 hour away move. Our familieshelped us pack out at old location (where they live) let us borrow an E350 van which was able to pull the largest trailer Uhaul offers. We were met at the other side by a friend who’s wife just HAPPENED to live in the same apartment complex we were moving to, and they were ending their separation/getting back together at the time so he was taking to opportunity to visit her and figure out logistics with her.

      Next move (an hour away thanks to DC Metro traffic) we were depending on help from friends, both of whom bailed. I’m just glad we were moving from a high rise with an elevator and to a ground-level condo.

      We’ve only moved once since then and we rented a Uhaul and through the Uhaul website you can find movers. You have to have everything packed up (fine by me–I’m a bit neurotic with packing and I have a system that makes unpacking a relative breeze.) But it was great. All I had to do was direct where to put things. Since it was a local move and we had control of the vehicle the entire time, we didn’t have a lot of the drama others have with missing/broken stuff.

  9. Stephanie

    Argh, I sprained (maybe broke?) my little pinkie toe. I am impatient. I can get around fine, but I miss being able to do more active things and am limited in which shoes I can wear. Heal faster, damn it!

    1. Elizabeth West

      Ouch! Nothing much you can do for that except tape it. I hope it feels better soon.

      I think I broke mine a few years ago—I hit it on a chair hard enough to take me to the floor, and it hurt for four months after. I could still skate, though!

    2. Alice

      I stubbed my toe a few years back, but never had it looked at. Went in a walking intensive vacation soon after. Now that toe goes numb when I’ve been hiking for a few hours..

  10. Juli G.

    Just wanted to give an update. Last week, I posted about an extended hospital stay for my newborn/his surgery and my sister in law’s drama over wanting to visit. In the end, she didn’t visit or ask to visit again. Still mad, I guess. Baby spent until Wednesday in the nursery with a feeding tube, IVs, etc and even oxygen for the first few days and after proving he could eat and gain weight, we were released. I’m up feeding him now at home. :)

    Anyway, thank you all for the kind words. Being trapped at a hospital post partum with an unwell child is very difficult especially with another kid at home. I was also struggling because I was “missing Christmas season”. Sympathy from all of you really helped me. Thanks for being a great community!

    1. nep

      Glad to hear the little one’s better and improving, and that you’ve been able to get back home. Best of health to you all.

    2. Not So NewReader

      He’s home, you’re home. damn. My eyes are getting a little damp here. So glad to hear this, may you have a spectacular Christmas with your new little one.

    3. Robyn

      I didn’t see your post last week, so glad he’s home and doing well!

      My now nearly 4 foot tall, 50 pound 5 year old spent the first 9 days of his life in SCBU here in Belfast. It was hard and I didn’t have another little one at home!

      Enjoy him! I wonder if there’s a way to post new baby smell… :D

    4. Observer

      I’m glad to hear things are going well.

      One of my co-workers keeps a baby diaper from one her grandkids. It’s her way of reminding herself of her blessings. The baby was an itty bitty premie, and she was hugely worried for obvious reasons. Today this baby who you could almost hold in one hand is a perfectly healthy, normal, average sized school child.

      Hopefully this will be your story arc, too.

    5. Windchime

      So happy that your little one is doing well. My first baby spent 3 days in the NICU and it was so upsetting and stressful. The last thing we would have needed was an out of town guest during all of that.

      My baby turned out fine–he is now 6’5″ and 30 years old.

      1. Alma

        What delightful news!! I’m picturing you all “nesting” and enjoying each other. And it is allowed to state “no visitors” even family, even when you’re at home. This time is so precious!!

    6. Ann Furthermore

      I’m so glad your little one is home! I was in the hospital while pregnant at this time 6 years ago. In an ultrasound it was discovered that my daughter’s heart was beating way too fast, so I was in the hospital while they tried to figure out the right mix of drugs to give me to regulate her heartbeat. I was released on Christmas Eve, but not until the very end of the day, after they told me I’d be discharged first thing that morning. Turned out that it was an insane day in the NICU, with something like 4 multiple births happening in the same day, and an emergency C-section for someone flown in on Flight-for-Life.

      My daughter was diagnosed with a heart defect when she was 3 days old, which was corrected with surgery when she was 2 1/2. That was incredibly stressful — I can’t imagine how nerve wracking it would have been for her to have surgery when she was just a few days old! So glad you and your little one are home. Enjoy your first Christmas together!

    7. Kyrielle

      I missed your post last week – you have my sympathy on the ordeal (belatedly), and I’m so glad he is better and home with you now!

  11. Neruda

    I’m the opposite of the first poster. This is my first Christmas away from my family and I’m really not looking forward to spending Christmas with my in laws. They’re just SO different to my family (we celebrate with lots of extended family, his family is tiny, no cousins, no kids etc). I’m trying to put on a brave face but to be honest I just feel so sad. His family and mine are an 8 hour drive apart so we’ve decided that Christmas eve and Christmas day will be with one family and Boxing Day with the other family. My family actually celebrates across the three days in order to accommodate our growing extended family, partners, kids etc so I’m missing Christmas eve and Christmas day with my family this year. No one will even be at his mums house on Christmas eve, she is working until 11pm. I know that they just do things differently and I have to be fair to both families but I can’t help but feel disappointed :-(

    1. Elkay

      I congratulate you on being willing to go to your in-laws and do something different. My family is small like your in-laws and our Christmas is a mix of reading, napping, eating and board games, which I appreciate probably sounds dull to you but it’s relaxing to us. It sounds like in the future Boxing day might be better spent with your in-laws as that tends to have fewer expectations than Christmas day. Good luck!

      1. Neruda

        Thanks for your reply. I would actually love to spend boxing day with them but I think they’ll see that as unfair. Last year we had Boxing Day with them and they actually did nothing at all on Christmas day (his sister had McDonald’s for lunch), they just waited for us to come over Boxing Day and we had Christmas then. I kind of feel like if Christmas day isn’t that important why can’t we just do that every year but I don’t actually feel like that would be a fair ask (his mum would really hate that) and also, eventually his siblings will no doubt get married and then we’ll have to try to work around more people. I guess we shall see what happens I suppose!

    2. fposte

      I think, as Ama’s finding up thread, that first coupled/married holiday carries a lot for everybody. Can you try re conceiving it not as losing the day with your family but starting the family tradition with your husband? It might help to identify things that are just for the two of you that are part of the season, no matter whose house you’re at, so it’s not just the in-laws’ Christmas but your Christmas at the in-laws’ and your parents’.

      1. Neruda

        Thanks fposte. I think this is the only way to approach it. Thinking about what I’m missing just makes me sad!

      1. Persephone Mulberry

        This! In particular, I’d think about what you and your husband could do together on Christmas Eve to make it special, that could turn in to a bi-annual tradition.

        1. Neruda

          Yes, definitely. I actually asked my husband the other day if maybe we could go out for dinner or something on Christmas eve. Thanks for your suggestions!

    3. ZSD

      It’s always hard getting used to the ways the in-laws are different from your own family. For example, in my family, setting the table properly is a big deal, whereas my in-laws just set the table all willy-nilly, never the same way twice. This should be a tiny thing, but it took me a while to adjust. More to the point, my family opens gifts one at a time. A single person opens a gift, they say thank you, everyone oohs and aahs, and then we go on to the next gift. My husband’s family opens all the gifts at once, so you don’t see what everyone else gets and you don’t watch people open what you got them. This is really weird to me, but I’ve learned to just accept it (kind of!). You’re probably seeing similar differences between your own family and your in-laws, and yes, they can drive a person crazy. I think everybody has something that makes them think their partner’s family is just BROKEN. :) But…you just get used to it.
      Good luck!

      1. Revanche

        Hah I had the opposite learning experience: My family hands out gifts one round at a time and then everyone opens together, while my inlaws open one at a time and it kind of drives me crazy because I hate having attention focused on me like that. Even with family, as it turns out :)

  12. Schmitt

    What is everyone cooking for Christmas? Last year I wasn’t feeling it and my SO cooked (delicious Thai) but this year I am back on track and planning:

    Christmas Eve, just the two of us, steaks with baked potatoes and green beans. My SO’s coworkers are all jealous because traditional German Christmas Eve fare is potato salad and boiled sausages.

    Christmas day, four people:
    spinach salad with bacon bits, cranberries, almonds and a raspberry vinaigrette
    roast turkey (you guys in the US would not BELIEVE how tiny you can get a turkey over here)
    mashed potatoes
    roasted red bell peppers / onions / carrots next to the turkey
    brussel sprouts sauteed in bacon fat
    no bread because “Germans don’t eat bread with meals like that” (we might have had a big fight about that *cough*)

    I might do a carrot and ginger soup instead of roasting the carrots.

    1. Elkay

      My reply to this ended up as a post on it’s own. I’ll repeat it here anyway!

      Christmas Eve: Takeout while watching The Muppet Christmas Carol

      Christmas Day: Croissants and champagne for breakfast. Mid afternoon turkey for two with chipolatas, stuffing, roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, broccoli, peas, carrots and gravy followed by sticky mincemeat pudding with chocolate sauce. We’ll probably break into the Christmas cake in the evening.

      Boxing day: Leftover meat with mashed potatoes, peas and pickles.

      1. Clerica

        The Muppet Christmas Carol has been my favorite for something like 18 years. I really don’t like the Muppets in general, but love the heck out of that movie.

    2. Robyn

      My in laws are hopefully going to be down, but my father in law fell while in India and fractured his collar bone about a month ago and is still in pain, so they may not come. He sees his consultant tomorrow and then we’ll know.

      But, of course, I’ve already ordered food!!

      So for, hopefully, 5 of us:

      Christmas Eve: Ham in Coke, mashed potatoes, carrots, yorkshire puddings, apple sauce

      Christmas Day: My cinnamon rolls for breakfast with gallons of coffee. 5 year old will be up early!

      Turkey
      Sausage stuffing
      Sage and onion stuffing
      Brussels sprouts
      Yorkshire Puddings
      Chipolates in bacon
      Roast potatoes
      glazed carrots and turnips
      Gravy
      Bread sauce
      Christmas Pudding
      Chocolate tart

      And then? I’ll fall over from all the cooking (my kitchen is not made for more than one person!) and have a lot of vodka!

    3. Tau

      Ha @ traditional German Christmas Eve fare! Our family switched out the potato salad for potato gratin because my brother and I turn up our noses at potato salad, but otherwise we stick to tradition. Then meat fondue on the 25th with various homemade sauces and I think I’m baking bread to go with it.

      Although I think we’re swapping those this year – custody issues surrounding my niece (the single kid in the family) means she’s only coming on the 25th, meaning we decided to do all presents on the 25th rather than 24th as is traditional so it’s just not her, and at that point it’s easier to swap the meals as well… since I’m pretty sure the idea behind potato salad and boiled sausages is that it’s quick to make and quick to eat leaving lots of time for prepping the tree and unpacking presents!

      Also, carrot and ginger soup sounds delicious. And I don’t know who I’m supporting with this but I’m German and I also wouldn’t have bread with the meal you mention (which sounds similarly delicious!)

      1. Schmitt

        I grew up with my mom’s traditional buttery yeast rolls with holiday meals. Soooo good. And you can use them to mop up the gravy from the plate so you get every last bit!

        1. Tau

          This is making me really think, but I guess as a general rule of thumb I wouldn’t have bread with a hot meal, especially not alongside potatoes or any other kind of base-carbohydrate-food like pasta or rice. The exceptions are bread alongside soup (only iffy if it’s potato soup) or bread on its own as a starter in a multi-course meal, for instance at a restaurant.

          Conclusion: if you make carrot soup instead of roasted carrots you might be able to finagle the bread!

          Also, this discussion reminds me of a holiday food I forgot in my first comment: my dad and I bake bagels for breakfast on the 25th and 26th. Not traditional German but we picked up a love of bagels when we lived in the US.

    4. Greggles

      Christmas Eve- Shrimp and Brats
      Christmas Day (wife’s birthday) Lasagna and Birthday cake (salad too)

      1. Bea W

        As I was scrolling down to browse through what everyone was cooking, I saw “shrimp and RATS”….WHAAAT? Oh. Shrimp and *Brats*!

    5. Katie the Fed

      We’re doing our feast on Christmas Eve. I’m roasting a leg of lamb, potatoes, and some other sides I haven’t figured out yet. We love lamb. I’ll probably give it a rub with a middle eastern-style spice blend – allspice and cumin and other good stuff. Mmm.

      1. Schmitt

        I love lamb but my SO does not, so I’ve never been brave enough to try cooking it. Plus it’s so expensive that it would hurt if I screwed it up *g*

      2. A. D. Kay

        The lamb sounds amazing. We live in an area of the U.S, where it’s pretty easy to get both lamb and goat and we love both. I make Lancashire hotpot with goat meat instead of lamb and it turns out great.

    6. matcha123

      I’ll either pick up a rotisserie chicken at Costco, like I did for Thanksgiving. Or, I’ll buy a bunch of burritos at Costco and eat them with Japanese Christmas cake and maybe some Asti :9

    7. OfficePrincess

      It’s just the two of us this year, so I’m making cocktail meatballs and …something Christmas Eve and then a ham steak, roasted broccoli, and more of the fabulous (extra buttery) stuffing we had for thanksgiving on Christmas Day. We have a freezer full of cookies and peanut butter balls I made when we thought we’d be going to visit family, so that will take care of our movie snacks (and Baileys spiked hot chocolate, of course).

    8. Carrie in Scotland

      There are 7 of us and I’m doing something dessert-y, which is yet to be decided between chocolate yule log or frosted chocolate chip brownies.

    9. Hillary

      Christmas Eve will be our big meal – new traditions developing as my niece gets older.

      Christmas Eve:
      Shrimp appetizer, I’ll probably bring something I can eat too
      Ham
      Cauliflower-tomato Mac and cheese
      Salad
      Pie for dessert

      Christmas Day were doing a late brunch with quiche and homemade bagels.

    10. Al Lo

      We’re, as always, splitting the holiday between my husband’s and my families, who live about 30 minutes from each other and who like each other very much.

      Christmas Eve, we’ll go to church with my family, and then go to my husband’s grandma’s annual carol sing and family get-together.

      Christmas morning, we’ll open stockings and gifts with my family (possibly at our house; possibly at my parents’), and then head to his parents’ house in the afternoon for more gifts. My family (parents; sister, brother-in-law and nephew; and brother and his girlfriend) will join his family for dinner, which is awesome and makes our life way easier.

      Boxing Day, his aunt and uncle throw a party for one side of his extended family; the 28th, we’ll go to my aunt’s for my extended family; and the 30th, we’ll host the other side of his extended family.

      It’s nice that there’s absolutely no drama about who spends which part of the holiday with whom. It’s busy, and one of these years, it’s be nice to get away, but we also legitimately like the vast majority of our family members, extended and immediate, and we don’t see the extended family more than a few times a year. If we went away, we’d honestly miss them. Still, without kids and with a desire to still participate in the long-running family tradition, it’s a bit hard to start building our own traditions. We’re working on it!

    11. Windchime

      Christmas Eve will be mostly appetizers and bubbly drinks. We usually have little BBQ smokies, cheese and crackers, maybe some wings, fruit and veggie tray, etc.

      Christmas Day–Not sure yet, but I think maybe ham and scalloped potatoes, green salad with candied pecans, cranberries and feta (and raspberry vinaigrette), some kind of bread. And of course Christmas treats like sugar cookies and fudge.

    12. VintageLydia USA

      We’ll have either 6 or 7 adults and one toddler. We do our big meal on Christmas Eve, usually. I’m doing a standing rib roast, green beans, corn pudding, mashed potatoes, bread, and salad. This was cut down significantly from last year (I had 2 or 3 more sides. I could’ve fed an army, and I had a mini breakdown because of all that work. Learned my lesson!) I’m making no bake cookies and we bought a bunch of apps (mostly various types of fancish cookies and crackers and cheese.) I’m going to ask my step-dad to bring some good bourbon and his coconut pie. I can live without the pie but the bourbon will be nice ;)

      Christmas day I’m making a baked french bread casserole for breakfast and I have some bacon, sausage, etc on hand if people want something more. I’m also making ahead a quiche in case we don’t have enough leftovers to last us the rest of the day. I want to enjoy my Christmas day and not spending it in the kitchen. I have two bottles of champagne and one of sparkling cider chilling in the fridge, along with a lot of other wine (I need more whites. I have a ton of Malbec and Cab, but I know my MIL prefers whites so I should stop by the wine store on Monday.)

      I have no idea if the two year old will eat anything other than the mashed potatoes so I have some chicken poppers in the freezer just in case.

    13. salad fingers

      Christmas eve with boyfriend’s family will be a build your own taco bar thing… I will probably contribute marinated portabello mushroom / grits and kale insides things. Thanksgiving with these guys was 5 courses of soups. I thought the meal was non-traditional because they’re Dutch and not a Thanksgiving celebrators, but a theme of thematic celebration food emerges…

      Christmas dinner will be pretty traditional with my family, I’ll bring my regular brussel sprout slaw and probably some sort of side dish.

          1. Schmitt

            It looks great. It might even be something my SO would eat given the honey mustard dressing – but I think I’ll try it after Christmas to be sure.

    14. Elizabeth West

      I’m alone this year because I have to work on Boxing Day (and I have no PTO to spare, though at least I’m out of the hole now). If I went to Mum’s, I’d have to drive six hours in one day and that is NOT happening.

      My go-to dinner when I’m on my own is a small ham slice with duck sauce on it (yum yum yum), probably some mashed potatoes (or I might bake a sweet potato), and a veggie of some sort. I plan to spend Christmas Day in my PJs watching holiday movies and writing (not at the same time!). :)

    15. Melly

      I love talking about food! For Christmas Eve, my husband, daughter and I go out for sushi. Christmas morning we are hosting my small family for brunch. I’m making: lemon ricotta pancakes with sautéed apples, bacon, fruit salad, pastries and mimosas. For dinner we will go to my mother-in-law’s house for dinner and presents with all the cousins.

    16. Jen RO

      I am going to my parents for Christmas Eve dinner, so I’ll eat whatever they serve! Usually it’s appetizers (various types of salami and ham, cheese, etc), then some sort of meat (probably roast beef this year), then sarmale (minced meat in cabbage rolls), then cozonac (traditional cake). Though I can never eat this much, so I usually skip at least one course.

    17. Claire

      Christmas day breakfast is freshly squeezed orange juice and Christmas Morning Muffins (Nigella Lawson’s recipe), prepped on Christmas Eve and freshly baked in the morning. Plus fresh fruit, cereal and toast as desired. And a segment or two of Terry’s Chocolate Orange from our stockings (it’s traditional!).

      Christmas dinner will be potato and parsnip soup, a seafood platter (smoked salmon, prawns, crab meat, plus salad and seafood sauce), roast turkey, roast ham, roast potatoes, chipolatas, honey glazed carrots and parsnips, roasted brussel sprouts, sage and onion stuffing, gravy, bread sauce, and cranberry sauce. For dessert there will be a Yule log, a strawberry Pavlova, a tower of profiteroles and home-made vanilla ice cream.

      Boxing Day will be leftovers for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus opening one of the boxes of chocolates currently under the tree.

    18. Ann Furthermore

      We’re doing a spread of finger foods. My nephew and his wife are hosting, and my mom and I are providing the food. I’m making bacon wrapped dates stuffed with cheese, and also salsa. My mom is bringing either roast beef or ham to make little sandwiches, and a bunch of other munchies.

    19. Alder

      Swedish meatballs with lingonberries and milk gravy, plus peas with Swiss cheese and pimientos and boiled red potatoes. We’ve been eating the same thing every Christmas eve since… um… hundreds of years ago, as far as I can tell…

  13. Elkay

    Christmas Eve: takeout while watching The Muppet Christmas Carol

    Christmas Day: Croissants and champagne for breakfast. Mid afternoon turkey for two with chipolatas, stuffing, roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, broccoli, peas, carrots and gravy followed by sticky mincemeat pudding with chocolate sauce. We’ll probably break into the Christmas cake in the evening.

    Boxing day: Leftover meat with mashed potatoes, peas and pickles.

  14. The Maple Teacup

    Morrie the cat started his medical treatment a few days ago. It involves a daily anti-inflammatory pill and weekly B-12 injection. Thanks to pill pockets, I just stuff the pill inside a tasty chicken flavoured casing and he eats it.

    1. The Maple Teacup

      The injection is a lot more daunting. Needles give me the creeps, and I have to learn to administer the vitamin subcutaneously. Not happy! Not at all! But I will force myself to become competent for the sake of my cat.

      1. Not So NewReader

        I hope that when you start to see improvements that this will make it a tad easier in some way for you.

        1. The Maple Teacup

          I think it will. Fortunately, I have a roomate in the medical field. Giving injections is a boring, normal part of his job. He’s already offered to help if my hands shake too much! Lol

      2. AcademicAnon

        Sub-q injections are not hard, if you can pinch yourself you can give an injection. Just be careful Morrie doesn’t associate you with just the shot.

    2. Ask a Manager Post author

      Pill pockets are amazing. I’ve had to give Lucy a daily pill this last week and she just gobbles them right down with pill pockets. So much easier than forcing a pill down her throat.

      1. Adonday Veeah

        I’ll second the Pill Pockets. Even when she’s feeling puny, my rickety old cat will still snarf a pill pocket.

        1. skyline

          My cat is too clever for Pill Pockets. She happily snarfs it down…and then spits out the pill. I’m glad there’s no current need to medicate either of them. (I love living alone, but it’s one of those moments when having an extra pair of hands would really help!)

          1. Elizabeth West

            Cat burrito? Roll up kitty in a towel (not too tight) with head sticking out and then you can tuck her in one arm and administer meds. I had to do this for Psycho Kitty’s momma when the neighbor didn’t know how (it was liquid antibiotic I had to squirt into her mouth). I gave her treats afterward. Or you could have the vet show you how to scruff her–they put their hand on the back of PK’s neck where a momma cat would carry them and they don’t move.

            I might try Pill Pockets if I have to medicate PK. She ate her aspirin when she had the infected tooth–I crunched it up in her soft food. She gobbles that so fast that she probably didn’t even notice, ha ha.

            1. fposte

              There is a great video on YouTube showing how to do the kitty burrito–a search will probably get you to it. (There are probably more than this one, for that matter, but this was a nice low-key one.)

            2. Pennalynn Lott

              At one point I had five kitties with chronic conditions that required multiple daily oral meds and sometimes daily sub-q injections of fluids or meds. I’ve gotten so good at oral meds that, unless the cat is acting like it’s being murdered, I can do it in one smooth motion sans kitty-burrito. And while I still cringe inwardly at poking my cats with needles, I’ve seen how much good it does them enough times to be able to do it without feeling guilty for “hurting” my cat.

              We do what we have to for the ones we love. :-)

          2. Revanche

            Dog2 was doing that til Dog1 acted like Pill Pockets were the BEST THING EVER and he decided that they must be. I’ve never seen a cat fall for that kind of competition, so much, though. Elizabeth’s kitty burrito is probably way better.

    3. Jen RO

      I had no idea these things existed… one of my cats is in treatment too right now, but I think we have come to an agreement: if he swallows his pill on the first try, he will be left alone for the rest of the evening.

    4. nep

      I’m supposed to be giving my cat liquid meds (orally by syringe) twice daily. Most of it has ended up on his coat, the floor, a wall, or me. The vet assistant gave some tips on how to do it, but I’ve not been able to master this. Still working on it — meantime cat not getting his meds as he should.

      1. The Maple Teacup

        Ack! Administering liquid medication is hard. I’m sure the vet assistant explained things adequately, but here’s how I’ve tried to do it. 1) sneak up on the unsuspecting cat. 2) get behind cat. 3) using my right hand, gently take the top jaw and pull back. Kitty should now be gargling at the sky. 4) depress liquid via syringe into the mouth with my left hand. 5) flee the scene.

        Usually it ends up on his coat, the floor, a wall, or me. Some does get into kitty tummy.

      2. Alicia

        Our trick is you just try to get it back as far on the side of their teeth as possible. So, hold their head fairly sturdy, and get behind their back teeth. They can’t do anything about it and it goes down the hatch.

      3. Kyrielle

        Does it have to be done sans food, or is mixing okay?

        Because mixing with a bit of actual chicken/fish/beef broth (whatever favorite flavor ) or wet food might turn it into something he snarfs instead of spraying. If you’re lucky.

    5. Trixie

      Vet meds have come such a long way, from Pill Pockets to flavored med chews to the ointment that can be applied to their ears. So much less traumatic for our furry friends.

        1. Trixie

          Heads-up that some of these options may be more expensive than the plain pill form but sometimes it really is worth it. Good luck!

  15. ILiveToServe

    So it has been a really, really crappy year. Okay, two years.
    Moved from NYC to Midwest for an academic appointment. (suddenly really “*get* the tenure track pressure thing…it sucks)
    Walked into a sh*tstorm, took me 2 days to figure out that my 2nd was a lying sociopath (diagnosed by disability services…they said this was the first time that they had ever recommended firing an employee- “there is is no accommodation for compulsive lying” ) She was a union employee…took another year and half PIP to fire even with a bankers box of documentation. (I think it is okay to share this work thing here as I can say there was no weekend or evening that I was not working on this or dealing with my own mental distress over the situation)

    Coldest winter in New Location in 33 years. There are no clothes warm enough. I learned to drive in three feet of snow and 4 inches of ice. Add that to more business travel in the first year than I had ever done in my life…in the first year, NYC three times, New Orleans, Seattle, Philadelphia, Chicago, Bangkok, Costa Rico, Singapore, DC. Father-in-law died after the first six months (one of the reasons we moved here) paying two mortgages (apt in NYC on the market for a year) Husband disabled by back pain, then had knee replacement ( He became a hostile dependent, I sought professional help) He is just becoming mobile when I have to have a complete hysterectomy. I have complications and am out for two months. The dog who is old has been having medical issues since we moved and has been on and off steroids and antibiotics since we got here. We go to every length including weekly home visits with a vet chiropractor/acupuncturist. We delude ourselves that she is getting better (I am now carrying the 29 lb dog up and down three flights of stairs… husband can’t he has a new knee…I’m not supposed to…I just had abdominal surgery, She has to go out to eliminate every two hours) Four weeks ago, thirteen year old dog tears her ACL going up the stairs (I am in bed sleeping, husband did not notice she was no longer next to him…not blaming just explaining) Regular vet is pressuring for knee surgery for her. Finally got her old vet on the phone who said she was not candidate. Last week started obsessively googling for answers and the same one came up over and over. Got second opinions, 3rd opinions. Started “end of life” journal for her. Two days ago put the dog to sleep. Cannot stop crying.
    AND I am on past deadline for final edit on writing that must go in on Monday.

    Okay doing the “gratitudes”
    We have good health insurance and have both recovered from our medical issues.
    The apartment in NYC finally sold and we paid off the mortgage in new location.
    The husband is retiring in a month (I guess that would be on his gratitude list…I would be grateful if he learned to cook)
    I have about fifteen years of work ahead of me (I am pretty confident that after things settle down a bit I can address the tenure packet) in a place that the work is exactly what I love and am competent in.

    Bad employee is gone as of July. New staffing is exceptional (that is a hint)

    I have discovered wool long underwear. Seriously, who knew?

    Driving turns out to be a really amazing thing. Again, who knew? I am exactly 11 minutes from my office. In NYC I had over an hour commute each way on the subway. (and did you know that you can start your car, leave it in the driveway, have a cup of coffee and when you get in it is toasty warm?) oh and I am pretty sure Santa is bringing me a shearling steering wheel cover.

    Money- we have enough to buy the food we want to eat, roof over our heads, heat, cars, gas for the cars, and although I don’t think I will ever have enough SmartWool, I do. And a little extra to spread around to our pet charities. And we had enough to make our old dog comfortable in her last weeks as well as a home visit hospice vet for our final farewell.

    And this blog… Thank you Alison- you, the Evil HR Lady and commenters were there in the darkest hours giving me a reality check, assuring me that “this too shall pass” and that I was being a reasonable human being doing the best that I could in trying circumstances.

    1. fposte

      Youch. That is quite the saga, and I am deeply impressed that you are coming through this as strong as you are. I’m sorry for all the grief, and I join with you in the gratitude for Smartwool and AAM.

      There have been a lot of people having a bad time in 2014. I’m working on a theory that this year was some kind of defective factory second. To a better 2015!

    2. Alfie

      Wow my heart goes out to you. That sounds rough. I am in the Midwest, and it was a terrible winter even for old hands. Good for you for also focusing on gratitude. Hope things are on the upswing.

      1. Alfie

        Also I should have given my condolences on your dog. Mine is 13 as well and having trouble on stairs and she is such a wonderful companion. It seemed odd to me to call that out with all that you have had to deal with, but it does not surprise me that you are shedding many tears over it. It sounds like your dog had a wonderful life with very caring human caretakers. You gave her a good life! Again hoping things get better in 15. Sounds like odds are they will.

        1. Alfie

          And sorry, just one more thing: Silk long underwear rocks too. It is expensive and worth every penny. You can get it at REI.

          1. OP2

            Alfie,
            I was just going to write that silk is fine at twenty to thirty degrees but is an epic fail at 17 below zero. I read aloud your post to the husband and he disagreed. He said, depends how you layer. So Alfie how do you layer ?

            Here was me one day this week…smart wool long johns and zipper up long sleave first layer top. Two pairs of smart wool socks. Felted sweater jacket ( Eileen Fisher) and wool blend pants. Bear claw shearling lined boots, Patagonia down jacket with a mountain hard ware down vest. Polar tec cowl . Cashmere scarf , cashmere beanie cap. Smart wool glove liners, hand made Marino flip top mittens and hand made felted gauntlets.

            Locals seeing me walk into work usually guffaw and say what are you going to do when it gets really cold?

            1. Alfie

              Well the thing I like about silk is it is so thin and so it enables additional layers. Also it insulates well but breathes. I am not sure I layer as much as you do, so it may be something to do with conditioning or tolerance? I am in Minnesota and it was -30 with wind chill, in the negative teens and 20s proper, for most of last December and January.

              I usually wear silk long underwear (tops and bottoms), one pair of wool socks, pants (wool, cotton, denim, sweats, or something made in a laboratory), a long-sleeve cotton tee-shirt-type top, a cardigan sweater or jacket/blazer on top of that. When I am outside I have a pea coat or down jacket, gloves and hat. Sometimes a scarf, but I tend to leave them places so not always. I wear winter boots (Ugg knockoffs, duck boots) if we have a lot of snow or regular shoes. There is also the problem of being able to take things off when you work in an environment that can be 80 degrees warmer than it is outside, and not looking like a giant sweaty plush toy at the office.

              I definitely agree that at some point it all becomes rather useless.

        2. Not So NewReader

          I would do the same thing, 10 things going on and the bulk of my story would be the dog.
          I think there is a different standard for the way we feel about people and things vs how we feel about dogs/pets. And pets embody something that we cherish- maybe it’s that unfailing love and companionship. They don’t talk, which is also helpful. Perhaps it’s their sincerity, try finding people who are that sincere. Not easy. I think they provide a reliable constant in our lives, everything else may be topsy turvey but the critters are even-keeled.

          I think 2015 will be a better year for you. You work hard at your challenges and that will pay off for you. Cynics like to talk about the calm before the storm. I like to think that after a storm comes the calm.

          1. ILiveToServe

            I just bought myself two Annie Lamont books Help Thanks Wow and Stitches. Hope they help with the “Big Feelings”

            1. Not So NewReader

              Let us know what you think.

              There is a lot of good stuff out there that is helpful.

              I will google these two myself.

    3. Persephone Mulberry

      That is a hell of a year (and then some). Best wishes for 2015 – and tell Santa to put a remote starter in your stocking along with the wheel cover!

    4. salad fingers

      That is awful, and yeah, I can see the weather here last winter really being the ice on anyone’s cake of bad times — that sucked. I hope 2015 is way easier.

      1. Neruda

        That is an incredibly hard year. When you started to write your gratitudes I thought for sure they couldn’t balance it out but it seemed like you did. Congratulations on finding the positives and here’s to a wonderful 2015.

    5. Kyrielle

      My condolences on the loss of your dog, and my sympathy for the rest of what you went through. Quite the list.

      May next year be better in every way possible!

  16. Robyn

    A very joyous Yuletide to everyone and a blessed solstice!

    Or

    Merry Christmas and Happy new year!

    Or

    Happy Chanukah!

    Or

    Beautiful Kawanza!

    Who did I miss? :D

  17. AvonLady Barksdale

    To piggyback on Gene’s White Elephant/Secret Santa gift… what’s the weirdest gift you’ve received PERIOD, not in any of those situations? And not just Christmas– weddings, bar mitzvahs, birthdays count.

    This was sparked by the “gift” I received yesterday of previously-read magazines. “I brought you these!” presented during a pre-Christmas/Chanukah gift exchange. Magazines like Women’s Health and SELF. Magazines I do not read and never asked for. It was so weird, it took me about 12 hours to realize I was insulted. I also received a bottle of vermouth and was told, “This is for you, but I get to drink it.” This person does not live in my household, and no, I did not open the bottle.

    Go!

    1. Robyn

      Not me, but my brother and his wife got as a wedding present…a fan. Just a bog standard box fan.

      And it was probably their best gift as they used it for decades! :D

      1. The Maple Teacup

        For Christmas in eighth grade, I got an archery set from my parents. This was long before the Hunger Games was a Thing. I had given no indication that I wanted to learn to shoot arrows.

    2. RandomName

      My husband’s grandmother (who is fairly well-off) constantly gives us her used stuff (junk) wrapped in beautiful boxes for Christmas. One time, her note with one of the items stated that she didn’t know what the item was for, and maybe we could figure it out and use it. We had no idea what it was for…and not even something we’d keep for sentimental purposes. Went right in the garbage.

    3. OfficePrincess

      A used soduku book. The easy and medium ones were all filled in but the hard ones were blank. Um thank you?

    4. ExceptionToTheRule

      A set of four ceramic, stemmed, red solo cups from my brother that he got me two summers ago. It’s the only time I ever re-gifted anything and told the recipient, but they were perfect for my cousin’s fiance so they were a second gift at their couple shower.

      I’ve now outed myself to anyone on here that might know me.

    5. danr

      Not weird, but thoughtless in terms of not thinking. When I taught (5th grade), many of the gifts were aftershave. I did a general thank you to the class then asked why I would be impressed by aftershave when I have a beard. I heard a collective intake of breath as they realized that yes, it was pretty silly.

    6. BRR

      My grandmother in law gets books for all her grand kids for Christmas and all she knew about me was that I was raised Jewish so she got me a book on the holocaust. It was very sweet of her to include me and I have a strong sense of humor so I think it’s funny but I do think there’s a little wtf.

    7. Beezus

      A psychedelic Jesus…framed wall hanging?…that lit up and had a mechanical psychedelic wheel spinning in the background, for my wedding. Hubby and I are agnostic. It honestly broke in our luggage on the flight home, and I was honestly disappointed because there is no way to explain how appalling that thing was, you really had to see it to completely understand. It was from an aunt that I have never been close to, and I think it was intended as an insult, because that would be like her.

        1. Not So NewReader

          Aging family member.
          I more or less had to accept them, because I don’t think she realized that this might be odd.
          It’s been 15 years or so, and I still have them. Which is even odder.

            1. Not So NewReader

              I think I will try putting them next to my favorite pens and see if the unlosableness is transferable.

              Or I could use them to find new ways to slaughter the English language. Which ever.

    8. the gold digger

      My mother in law is the mistress of unwanted, ugly, useless gifts. Perhaps the worst thing they have ever given us is the framed photo of her and my father in law. She did give us the option of two frames, but still.

      That was also the year that she got us a cast-iron cat.

            1. the gold digger

              YES!!! I will burn the photo (which husband tossed into a drawer the second we got home), delete their phone number from my phone, and package and mail the cat. I would also burn the cheap pressed board nesting tables painted with hibiscus and hummingbirds, the vase hand-painted with blue flowers, the posters celebrating the adoption of the manatee, the Florida panther, and the seat turtle, but all gifts have already been exchanged (after many tears from MIL) or given to charity.

    9. Ruffingit

      The first Christmas my ex and I were married, his parents gave us gardening tools – shovel, rake. I just looked at them as I’m not a big gardener/landscaping type. Her comment to us was “Now you can clean up that back yard of yours…” Oh…um…thanks? My husband just looked at her deadpan and said “I already have a set of these.” His mother started kind of backpedaling at that point, but the damage was done.

      Basically, she gave us a “gift” to do something she wanted done, which was to have our back yard look better.

    10. salad fingers

      green 3xl dress (i wear medium/large) with a note that said “for my irish sweetie, i know you like to wear things loose) (have red hair but i’m not particularly irish, i don’t like to wear things loose)
      easter cookies from the grocery store bakery section that had expired sometime around easter (my birthday is in late may)
      a tub of cinnamon santa gummies
      several packages of trader joes deydrated smashed bananas that expired in 2006 (this was 2011)
      and the kicker
      a 5lb bag of Kirkland trail mix, opened and resealed, which upon closer inspection was found to house *cobwebs* and *five* dead moths. and it also expired in 2006.

    11. Elizabeth West

      Oh man, some of these are really bizarre, hahaha. I usually don’t get weird gifts, just bad ones. Like clothes that are ugly and don’t fit (seriously, who buys clothes for another adult) and stuff people buy when they are trying to approximate something you’re interested in but don’t hit the mark. Like skating knickknacks. Ugh, something else I have to dust. Just buy me tights! I need those!

    12. Chris

      I received a dog toy for Christmas one year from my Aunt. I was only 12, and it bothered me for years after, as all the other cousins got “real” toys. Not sure what sparked that…

      Happy ending though for my dog :/

      1. Emily Robin

        Ooh, I got a dog toy one year, too!

        It was from my great grandmother and I don’t think she realized it was a dog toy (as opposed to a stuffed animal)… but I was jealous of my sister’s gift, which was an actual, intended-for-humans, plush bear.

    13. Mimmy

      My grandfather (on my dad’s side) used to give out at Christmas those little shampoos and lotions you get at hotels, sometimes wrapping them in TIN FOIL (my brother just reminded me of that this weekend!).

      One uncle (also on my dad’s side!) tends to send everyone random DVDs for Christmas.

    14. Blue_eyes

      For our wedding we got some fantastically ugly vases. They were huge, brown and puke green glass monstosities that looked vaguely like sea anenomies. The people who gave them have never been to our home and have no idea of our taste. Plus we live in a 1 bedroom apartment so we definitely done have space for ugly, useless, breakable things. And they could only be returned within 14 days. So we schlepped them an hour on the subway to exchange them. We got a pair of earrings and a menorah instead.

    15. Alder

      Now that I have a cat, everybody gives me cat-themed gifts. Not just cat toys, or tacky pillows that declare my love for cats- the gifts are MY-CAT-themed. So far I have an embroidery of him chasing a fly, socks with a cat on them that looks like him, and… a vintage PLANT POT shaped like my cat.

      The plant pot is awesome! But as much as I love my cat I don’t want to decorate my whole house with his face…

  18. The Maple Teacup

    Strangest wedding present was a neon green plastic rabbit (no limbs or tail, just the head of a rabbit attached to a cylinder) that could be pulled out of a cup. To this day I have no idea what it was.

  19. Katie the Fed

    OK, I have a potentially awkward question, but I want to know:

    Do you or anyone you know ACTUALLY celebrate Kwanzaa?

    I’m white but I have a fairly diverse group of friends and I’ve never in my life met a single person who celebrates it. One of my black friends laughs and says “it’s just a made-up holiday from the 60s – nobody I know celebrates it.”

    So – anyone celebrate it? I feel like it’s only mentioned in the spirit of diversity and inclusiveness around the holidays, but it seems funny to include it with seasonal greetings when it appears nobody really celebrates.

    1. Non-profit Anon

      Our city has several Kwanzaa gatherings. I’ve gone to some with Black friends. It ends up being more like a block party which is pretty awesome.

      I also know a lot of the Black churches in our community celebrate Kwanzaa, along with Christmas. They use the colors of Kwanzaa in decorating, and talk about the words.

      None of my Black friend celebrate Kwanzaa at home.

    2. Felicia

      None of my black friends celebrate it…we are Canadian, and they are under the impression that it is more of an American thing (no idea if that’s true, but that’s what i’ve been told).

    3. matcha123

      My mom’s friend did/does. She is black (American) married to an African man and adopted a black daughter. She is/was very involved in the black community and every December she’d do something Kwanzaa related.

      I’m multiracial, if it matters, but I think her yearly invite was her way of trying to connect us some some larger community that we’d normally have little involvement with. She’d also invite this other good black family to her place for the candle lighting and reading the meanings in Swahili(?) and hand out Kwanzaa presents.

      But, yeah, her family was the only one I knew that did Kwanzaa.

      1. Katie the Fed

        It’s Swahili, which used to strike me as a bit odd because Swahili is an eastern African language with strong Arabic influence (due to the Arab slave trade), versus western Africa where most US slaves came from. But I guess in the 60s Swahili was seen as a symbol of pan-Africanism which coincided with the creation of Kwanzaa.

    4. Elizabeth

      Our local farmers market does. Which seems a little weird, because to say that no one involved in the market is a part of the ethnic/racial background for whom the holiday was created is an understatement.

      1. salad fingers

        Yeah, I was raised in a Unitarian Universalist church that was just about entirely white (that has changed, my mom tells me) and we learned about and celebrated Kwanzaa — kind of embarrassing.

        Liberal white people ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

        1. Katie the Fed

          It could be worse. You could have made Sandra Lee’s infamous Kwanzaa cake. (google it if you’ve never seen it – it’s….amazing).

        2. Anonsie

          Liberal white people ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

          Hahaha oh my god. I wish I could carry this on a poster board and hold it up every time I had one of those moments.

    5. Jubilance

      I grew in a super pro-Black so every year I can remember, my family celebrated Kwanzaa. Each night we’d like the candles and talk about what that day’s principle meant. We’d also attend community Kwanzaa events as well. Now that i’m an adult I don’t really do it anymore, except maybe attending a community event.

      Kwanzaa is really only a “thing” for those who are really into the Black Power movement. It gathered a lot of steam in the 90’s but definitely died off.

      1. Stephanie

        Yup, this. My family and friends aren’t particularly into the Black Power movement (that is to say they’ll definitely protest things like Ferguson, but you won’t catch any of them in a dashiki), so I don’t know anyone personally who celebrates Kwanzaa.

        1. the gold digger

          One of my former bosses is a military brat. His dad was stationed in Africa when H was a teenager. H came back to the states – this was the 70s – wearing dashikis. But now he wears suits. (Oh. H is African American.)

      2. Katie the Fed

        Thanks for answering! Holidays definitely change over time too, so it might be something that will ebb and flow over the years.

    6. The IT Manager

      If you wiki it, you see your friend is right. It was made up in the 60s and was created in the US for African-Americans.

      It’s not a religious holiday, but it at least aligns directly with Christmas on the calendar ie always Dec 26th through Jan 1st which makes it handy to toss in with Christmas when being inclusive by mentioning other holidays since Hanukkah moves around the calendar a bit and Ramadan moves around alot.

      1. Katie the Fed

        I’m well aware of what Kwanzaa is and the history behind it – I’m asking if anyone celebrates it :)

        1. Katie the Fed

          Sorry, that sounded snippier than I meant :). I’ve done a lot of reading up on the history of it – just curious how relevant it currently is.

    7. OP 1

      I love how since no one you know celebrates it, No one must really celebrate it. Would you say the same thing if you knew no Jewish people, or Hindu people, or Muslim people if talking about Haunakkah, Diwali or Eid/Ramadan?

      Interestingly, I can believe this type of logic is what could have resulted in Haunakkah balls. I challenge you to not worry about whether people you know are actually celebrating it, and try to embrace that being inclusive is not to appease everyone else and doesn’t take away from you or the other holidays being celebrated.

      1. Katie the Fed

        Did you actually read my question before you decided to attack me? I’m not assuming that people don’t celebrate it – I’m ASKING because I’m genuinely curious.

        Being that I don’t live in a predominantly African American community, and that none of my own black friends/colleagues celebrate it, I am wondering how prevalent celebrations actually are.

        You’ve made a lot of pretty awful assumptions in your comment – I actually do know people who celebrate Hanukkah, Diwali, and Ramadan, but I have never met anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, so I was asking. I think the history behind it is interesting, but I’ve often wondered if it’s more a relic of its time when it was created than something that continues to hold relevance in black communities today.

  20. Alistair

    So, there’s a pile of us commenters on here with Anonymous and variations, and like 700 Alisons. Maybe an end of year gift to yourselves would be a new name on here! Or anyone else looking for a change, or a more individual identity here, this is the time!*

    There’s no need to tell us the reasons behind the switch nor the significance of the new name, unless you want to, of course! But please tell us who you were, and who you will be from now on!

    So, in that vein, I was Crow, and I will be Alistair from here on out. Crow was boring, slightly work identifiable, and didn’t ‘read’ well. Alistair is… call it an old family name. But it’s existence is not known at work! Plus, I saw Crow T. Robot on here, which is 100 times more awesome, and I didn’t want to thunder-steal from them!

    So, anyone else want to join in the fun?

    *No offense intended to anyone with one of those names! It was just the first few examples I could think of. [Obama] If you like your name, you can keep your name! [/Obama]

      1. ILiveToServe

        I started as Manager Anonymous and then librarian anonymous, LV2 and just realized that whatever the last name I used comes up automatically.
        ILiveToServe comes from a children’s book, Each Little Bird That Sings. It should be heard in your head in a sighing eye rolling of early adolescence voice . Could you take the garbage out? “I live to serve ” Could you see what your little brother is up to? “I live to serve “

    1. Sophia in the DMV

      I know there’s another Sophia, so maybe I’ll be Sophia in the DMV (DC, MD, VA not Dept of Motor Vehicles)

      1. GOG11

        Thank goodness for that! Who wants to hang out in the DMV all the time?! (Though maybe working there is more pleasant than trying to get in and out on your lunch break)

    2. Not So NewReader

      I’d like to change my name to something shorter. But I am hitting a brain void. It’s so easy for a new person to pick out a name someone is already using- I don’t want to keep changing it.
      I do chuckle at the number of people who say “I’m not good at coming up with names.” Oh, yeah, I can relate.

      1. Diane

        Jamie, if you’re willing, I need a new username. There are at least two of us who use my current username.

    3. AcademicAnon

      Extremely hard for me to change it to something less anon-y, as it wouldn’t take much info to find me via a search. FYI for any employer, if you don’t HAVE to have a publically available and online list of all your employees, don’t.

      1. Ask a Manager Post author

        I don’t think anyone is suggesting real names — in fact, I’d steer people away from using their real first names, because that’s how we end up with multiples.

        1. Alistair

          Yeah, I never meant to say “No Anonymous Names” or “Real Names Only.” I had been thinking of changing mine to something more interesting/less identifiable, and I thought this could be an impetus for others to do the same, and maybe we could reduce our multiples here at the same time.

          Please keep your name if you like it!

    4. Windchime

      I’ll stick with Windchime. I’ve used some version of this name as my online name for like 15 years now. I do get confused with all the different versions of “Anon” that we see here, and there are so many Alison’s that it makes my head spin.

      1. fposte

        Windchime’s the kind of moniker I really like, too–I find it easier to remember and connect distinctive words/names rather than letters, numbers, etc. That’s why all the variations on “Anonymous” tend to get muddled in my head–they all translate to Anonymous and read as the same person.

    5. VintageLydia USA

      Alistair is hands down my favorite name ever, but my husband hates it so I had to name my son something different (to be fair to him, he likes Alistair, but hates Al, which is what Alistair would inevitably be shortened to by nearly everyone but me since it’s a bit of a longish name.) Also it’s the name of a character of my favorite video game franchise, but I liked the name before the game was a twinkle in the creator’s eye. Lydia is my favorite girl’s name, which is why it’s my moniker on here :)

      1. fposte

        Sos did you actually letter up the teapot in your avatar in honor, or is it shopped? I should get “fposte” on something.

        1. VintageLydia USA

          ‘shopped! I love that teapot and use it all the time, so I don’t want IRL people to know my moniker ;) Internet is my “safe space” to vent about people I need to be polite to so I don’t need them googling me!

    6. B

      Yeah there are (at least) two Bs on here. I really need to come up with a better handle. But i’m so lazy! ;)

      1. Neruda

        I’ve had 3 names on here. One was my actual name which I quickly changed, then my middle name (turns out 2 other people had that name but I swear I’d never seen them comment before!). I ended up going with Neruda because surely no one else will have that name?! (Used in honor of Pablo if anyone cares :-))

    7. Elizabeth West

      I’ll keep mine. It’s my pen name and connects to my blog. Other names I’ve used online anonymously aren’t that creative, which is kind of stupid because my character names are usually fairly good.

    8. Emily Robin

      I’ve commented a few times as Emily, but then I noticed that at least one other person commenting with the same name. So it’s Emily Robin until I come up with something better.

    9. Jazzy Red

      I used to be Worker Bee on a different now-defunct site, and we now have someone here with that name. I always look to see what “I” wrote. (That was funny to me a few minutes ago – not so much now.)

      I’ll stick with Jazzy Red. I’m retired now and very lazy.

  21. Saro

    Any sewing AAMers out there? If yes, what do you like to sew? This year, I hope to sew more, I am not good at it but enjoy it very much. More hobby time in 2015!!

    1. Elsajeni

      Yep! I’ve done a few garments, but I find that I tend to run out of steam on them, and also, since I don’t know enough to alter the patterns, they never fit quite right. So lately I’ve been shifting more toward craft/accessory sewing — I’ve done a cosmetic bag (with a waterproof lining!), an apron, a fabric book cover (for paperbacks), etc. For Christmas gifts this year I planned to do some potholders, some oven mitts, and a casserole tote. Unfortunately, my machine has broken down… some people will be short a gift. :(

      1. Saro

        That’s really cool! Have you looked at any of the craftsy courses? I signed up for one when it was 1/2 off (something like, ‘basics of sewing’) and I plan to watch that over the break.

    2. Hillary

      I quilt – I’m obsessed with Judy Niemeyer paper piecing right now. Goal is to finish my current project before 1/23 so I can start one of her patterns at retreat.

      I should probably be sewing instead of playing on the Internet. ;-)

    3. Not So NewReader

      If I had more time I would love to try heirloom sewing. Reality is that I have an old-old New Home that only comes out to do repairs. But, hey, I was able to repair the hole in the grass catcher bag on the tractor. Yah!

    4. VintageLydia USA

      I would like to learn to sew, but it just seems too difficult to learn with a toddler underfoot. I’m thinking of trying lettering/calligraphy and book binding. I wrote and bound a book for a friend a year or so ago and binding it was a lot of fun. It didn’t look professional, but it was a much better presentation than stapling or tying it with string through giant hole punches. And lettering would be easy to do and practice with Kiddo running around.

    5. the gold digger

      I used to sew almost all of my clothes when I was in junior high and high school. In college, I would sew the dresses my friends and I wore to formals. I have not done much sewing other than alterations in the past years, though – good fabric has gotten so expensive and I don’t see the point of putting all that effort in cheap fabric. (Same thing with knitting – I am not going to do all that work in acrylic, but nice wool is so expensive.)

      I keep thinking I need to start sewing again, though, as I would like dresses that 1. fit and 2. have long sleeves. Oh. And perhaps pockets. The only clothes in my life that have pockets are my jeans, which are not work appropriate, two of my workout tops (hello manufacturers – I would like to carry a housekey with me when I go running), and my pajamas, which is the place I need pockets most, as I have to take a lot of stuff to bed with me.

    6. V. Meadowsweet

      I sew! Not especially well, and not especially often, but I have huge lists of clothes I want to make :)
      I’d like to do it more, but time and patterns (I’m tall, so waist position and lengths are almost always wrong)
      but it’s still fun! and all the lovely patterns! and all the lovely fabrics…. :D

    7. Elizabeth West

      I sew my skating costumes because I can’t afford to buy custom dresses, and the off-the-rack stuff doesn’t fit (I’m too tall). I HATE SEWING. Of course, that could be because I usually work with difficult fabrics like stretch velvet. :P

    8. Ann Furthermore

      I don’t sew, but I do like doing cross-stitch. This year I made Christmas stockings for my daughters, and they really turned out nice if I do say so myself. The hard thing about cross-stitch is that it’s hard to find patterns that don’t look like they’re straight out of your grandma’s house, but I found a nice website for a store in Tulsa that has a great selection of patterns.

    9. Blue_eyes

      I want to sew more in 2015 too! Come to think of it, I don’t think I got out my sewing machine at all during 2014. I mostly sew things for my home – placemats, napkins, curtains, throw pillow covers – because they are all straight lines. I also hem pants and do small clothing repairs. I want to get into quilting and I saved some free craftsy quilting classes so I can learn how. I would love to sew clothes, but I’m not there yet.

    10. Celeste

      I’m sewing addicted! I make quilts, by machine and by hand. I do a little garment sewing, mainly for my daughter’s Halloween costumes. I used to make her simple dresses. Once in a while I’ll sew other crafts, as well as mending or other utility work like fastening Scout patches. I’m no good at alterations; I’d really need some education for that.

  22. Brianne

    I’m an absolute dunce when it comes to make up, especially because I have to take my glasses off to see. Anyone got any tips for how to do nice red lips/winged eyeliner? (Yes, I’m feeling inspired by Taylor Swift lol)

    1. matcha123

      I have no idea, I am a klutz with make-up. But, I would recommend searching for Japanese or Korean brands for liquid eyeliner. The brush tips are very fine and stay well. I just finished using Tony Moly (Korean) and now I’m using Kanebo Kate (Japanese).

      I only mention that because I’ve read people online who say that Korean/Japanese brands have finer tips.

    2. fposte

      Other people may have specific names, but I highly recommend YouTube for makeup guidance. You can really see what to do and the before and after.

      1. Bea W

        I’ve done this, and I just still can’t get it right. I suck at make-up, especially eye make-up! I wear glasses also. I am not sure if it is because I have to lean in real close to the mirror to see or because I have no skill what-so-ever.

        1. Celeste

          Get one of those high-power makeup mirrors! I’m currently deciding between one at Bed Bath & Beyond, and Container Store. I’ve come to the end of the line with the little hand-held 10x mirror I keep in my makeup bag, though it’ll still work for travel. If there is one thing I love a hotel room to have, it’s a magnifying mirror in the bathroom!

    3. Sunflower

      I’d recommend going to Sephora. The key to a nice red lip is choosing a color that works with your skin color and skin undertones. You can try a couple diff. colors and the consultants can help you find one that works with your skin. Youtube is really the best place to find tutorials on make up though I’ve found!

      1. Stephanie

        I always feel really weird with red lip color, perhaps because it’s so conspicuous. (I am also at a loss how to match it.) I just end up defaulting to brown or some other more neutral shade.

        I also prefer liquid eyeliner, which does have the risk of making me look like Cleopatra if I’m not careful.

        1. salad fingers

          Red lips are also difficult to maintain if you’re somewhere where you’ll be eating/drinking/breathing. Hard to get right, and I’d recommend trying on a couple of nothing to do, nowhere to go days to get the hang of how well your lips/the lipstick holds up.

          1. UK Nerd

            Maybelline’s 24 Hour Colour lipstick is slightly optimistically named, but once it’s on it will stay on through at least one meal and any amount of drinks.

    4. Persephone Mulberry

      I love, love, love gel eyeliner over liquid when I want to do wings/cat eye. I feel like it’s easier to control.

    5. AcademicAnon

      One thing I’ve found that helps, if you’re nearsighted, if you can get shorter travel sizes of something. That way you can get closer to the mirror.

    6. VintageLydia USA

      A magnifying mirror and gel liner with a brush. My eyes are slightly asymmetrical and wings highlight that fact so I don’t do them, but whenever I try I have much more control with gel and a brush than with liquid liner. As far as red lips, it’s just trial and error. For some people it’s easier to start with more burgundy or berry tones (which are closer to the browns or pinks they’re used) and go from there. My favorite red is darker than most, but still very very red (Napa Valley lip crayon by Burt’s Bees.)

    7. Dulcinea

      I have never tried this, but I heard that if you close your eyes and cup a spoon over your eyelid you can trace it to make perfiect winged eyeliner. You can also use it to curl your lashes (supposedly). I bet you can find more detail by googling. Alos, if you do try it come back next week and let us know how it went!

    8. YourCdnFriend

      Uh. I’ve watched a lot of YouTube tutorials and sometimes I learn tips that help. But, for me, the best way to master the winged eyeliner look is half decent makeup (I use high end drug store, not high end sephora because I am kind of cheap about such things) and practice. Just practice a lot. And for me, somedays I am on and some days I am not.

      For red lips, the key for me has always been matching lip liner. Don’t just line your lip with the liner, fill in the entire lip and then apply the lipstick. The liners don’t have to be a perfect match, but close.

      1. Elizabeth West

        This, re the lip liner. You do NOT want a line around your mouth and no lipstick. Plus the liner helps the lipstick stick.

        I’m not so great at eye makeup; haven’t tried the cat-eye thing yet. It took me 45 minutes yesterday to do my eye makeup for the skating show.

  23. OfficePrincess

    A few years ago I was given a set of knitting needles and a beginner how-to book. I wasn’t super interested and semi figured out a basic stitch before I gave up and packed it away. Now that I have more time on my hands (and almost a week off that I can’t use to go see family after all) I want to get started again. Any tips / suggestions / resources for how to learn or simple things I can do?

    1. Trixie

      I’d like to start something small too with the new year. I’ll probably sit down with a friend who knits to start with, but I see a ton of instructional clips on youtube and free starter patterns on Pinterest. Another friend made me an eternity scarf which I wear all the time, so another would be a great final goal.

    2. Not So NewReader

      Start out really simple- like dish cloth or a scarf. Something that is basically square or rectangular with one or at most two different stitches.
      The first item you make you are learning how to cast on, keep going in a straight line and getting acclimated to the needles. (Okay you are also learning how to pick up dropped stitches and finish off a piece.)
      I am sure you will find videos around the net, look at several. This way you get more than one person’s explanation on what to do.

      Don’t be afraid to rip it all out and start over if you are not happy with your progress.

      Did you roll your yarn into a ball? A lot of people like to do that because they can make sure it is not tangled. Nothing like hitting a tangle while you are trying to complete an item.

    3. CheeryO

      First step is to make sure you have yarn and needles that will play nice together. I’m guessing you were given medium sized needles, so make sure you have a medium-weight yarn (worsted or Aran) to work with. If you have a lot of trouble, you could try buying really thick yarn and larger needles (something like size 13). It’s easier to learn on bigger needles, and your project will work up faster. Bamboo needles are also easier to learn on than metal ones, since the yarn grips instead of sliding around.

      I would recommend starting with a practice square instead of jumping right into a project. You can learn how to cast on, knit, purl, and bind off with YouTube videos, and then you can practice everything until you feel pretty comfortable. If things get super wonky, just rip it out and start over.

      Then when you do make your first project, it will come out pretty decent, which is more motivating than making something hideous.

      1. OfficePrincess

        After messing around a while today, I’ve confirmed that the yarn is the biggest issue. It was given to me as a gift but it’s … not normal. I don’t have the label to know what it’s called, but the best way I can describe it is that it’s both crimped and twisted like a bad 90s hairdo while not being wound tightly as a strand. It’s constantly catching on itself and splitting. I guess I need to make a trip to the store before I can really start practicing.

        And thanks for the idea to make a practice square instead of a project. The first time I tried to learn, I decided I was making a scarf, and then just quit when it wasn’t working. I think if it’s going to be a hobby/way for me to relax, it has to be zero pressure.

        1. Blue_eyes

          It sounds like you have “homespun” style yarn. It is a huge pain to work with, especially for a beginner. Try starting with a single ply wool yarn, or just a basic multi ply wool or acrylic. You want something not too slippery, not too sticky, and something that doesn’t split too easily.

          1. Celeste

            Agree, go with wool when you’re new. I tried learning on cotton, which has no elasticity and is slippery, and made it take a lot longer to get the hang of it.

    4. Windchime

      YouTube videos are great–I’m an experienced knitter and I watch them all the time. I’m pretty much self-taught, but some people learn better by actually having someone help them get started and your local yarn shop is a perfect place to begin. They often will have knit-along nights where you can take your project and experienced knitters can help you.

      Finally, go visit Ravelry dot com. It’s a huge site for people who knit and crochet and it’s an amazing resource. Good luck! I love to knit; I feel silly just sitting and watching TV without a knitting project in my hands.

      1. OfficePrincess

        I’m sort of nervous about knitting groups since I’m so young (mid-20s). What are the odds that others from my generation would be there?

        1. Trixie

          I think you’d be surprised. From artsy crafts folks to those who really like DIY textiles. Not sure how big your local community is but start with Meet UP, then FB groups, if anything you might start your own hip “Stitch N Bitch” group!

        2. plain_jane

          It really depends on your neighbourhood. My Local Yarn Store (LYS) night ranges from mid 20s to late 70s I guess, with a solid core in the 30s-40s. So you’d be on the younger side, but not unreasonably so.

    5. MegKnits

      Knittinghelp(dot)com has the best videos for how-to’s on every kind of stitch. Casting on/off, sewing up pieces and it goes on. Also check your public library. I checked out two ebooks on knitting last week (which reminds me I have to read them).
      Also if you need patterns, check out ravelry(dot)com or bernat(dot)com. They both have free patterns that you can start with.

      1. Lia

        Seconding Knittinghelp Dot com. The videos are terrific and very easy to follow.

        I would actually hold off on Ravelry a little, if you actually want to knit. I find a direct correlation between time I spend there and how much knitting I get done! So many things to look at…

        1. OfficePrincess

          I’ll definitely have to check that out. I’ve found that there is a wide range of tutorials from super helpful to more confusing than trying to figure it out on my own.

          1. MegKnits

            Good luck!! It’s good once you get the hang of it. Start basic, with a scarf or a dishcloth doing just knitting. Then try learning purl stitch. Stick with those two for a while and you’ll be good.

    6. Blue_eyes

      I taught myself to knit from library books and online tutorials and videos (this was around 2000 in the way back in the dawn of Internet videos, so there are way more now). Start just making small squares and then unraveling them and doing it again until you get the hang of the basic stitches. Then make something simple like a washcloth or scarf. I use he online yarn crafts community Ravelry for finding new patterns and tracking my projects. Craftsy is a great resource for quality tutorials and some of their courses are free. Good luck!

  24. Elizabeth

    I’m sitting wasting time waiting for the laundry to finish, so we can start packing. We’re leaving tomorrow morning for 2 weeks in Germany!

    1. B

      Oooh exciting my sister lives in Munich and i love visiting her and her family :) whereabouts are you going? Hope it’s fab :)

    2. Schuyler

      I hope you’re having a lovely time! I’ve been to Germany three times on my way to other places, but the most I’ve spent there is a day. It’s my dream to take my mom to Germany and visit some of the areas where our family came from–and to spend Christmas in Germany!

  25. Sunflower

    I’m trying to book an all inclusive vacation(flight, hotel, food, booze) for a girl’s trip in the beginning of April. I’ve never booked one before and am pretty clueless. I want to stay under $1000/person for a 3 or 4 night trip. We’re flying out of somewhere in the NYC, Philly, Baltimore area depending on direct flight availability. We don’t have a specific location in mind- I am hoping for Costa Rica but i think it might be too expensive. I have no clue what is a reasonable price or websites to find these deals? Any advice? Help!?

    1. Katie the Fed

      Groupon and Living Social usually have pretty good deals.

      BUT, if I can be permitted to preach for just a minute – I urge you to reconsider all-inclusive. A lot of people don’t realize that by staying in all-inclusive resorts you’re not really helping local economies at all -most of the profits go to international companies who employ locals only in terrible working conditions for very low wages. The locals rarely benefit from the tourism, and in many cases are harmed by policies that restrict them from accessing beaches that are reserved for well-heeled foreign tourists.

      If possible, I’d try to stay in a locally-owned hotel or rent a place. Costa Rica is easy enough to travel – you could rent a house and hit a grocery store to get food and drinks – it would probably end up cheaper and you’d avoid some of the pitfalls of all-inclusive travel.

      Feel free to ignore me – this is just an issue I feel strongly about – that travel/tourism should benefit the locals. :)

      1. Bea W

        Great suggestion! Depending on the size of your group, renting a house is a great way to save on costs. People like all-inclusive for the convenience, but if you don’t mind handling more of the financial logistics that require pooling money for accommodations, groceries, and such Katie’s suggestion is super. The downside is that you’d have to be much more involved in managing the trip and the payments than you would if you found a package where everyone was responsible for booking and paying for their own spot.

      2. Schuyler

        Thanks for the information, Katie. I’ve thought about doing something all-inclusive when traveling with my mom, but I’ve never gone that route. I appreciate your chiming in here on this, as that’s something that would be important to me, too.

    2. Bea W

      No direct experience, but have heard from a number friend and family that Mexico has a lot of affordable all-inclusive packages. My sister has been a few times because it is less expensive than taking vacation trips in the US, and the dollar goes a long way. She flies from the same area.

      I also know a few people who had been to Costa Rica and rave that it is spectacular, but I have no idea about the costs. If you find it’s too expensive, check out Mexico. I wish I could tell you what specific websites to look at. I usually just google a lot and use Trip Advisor and Travelocity. Trip Advisor is a great site for reviews. I am not sure if you can book actual trips through there, but I use it all the time to look up hotels and destinations to get more information from the traveler reviews.

    3. Mal

      I HIGHLY recommend going through Apple Vacations .com
      I’ve booked all inclusive trips through them at least three times and the prices are fantastic, so far the best deal I’ve gotten was $720 for 7 nights in Punta Cana in November at a “4 Apple” resort. I think the actual resort was Iberostar.
      And you can search a lot of different destinations easily to find the best deals.
      Also, I’ve learned that Saturday flights are usually cheapest :)
      Have fun on your trip!!

    4. BRR

      I’m honeymooning in Costa Rica and from the research I did it’s not big on all inclusives. They have them but for a good one it will be a lot more expensive that if you did one in Mexico. It depends on what you’re looking for in a vacation. If you just want to sit by the pool/beach I believe you’ll get more bang for your buck in Mexico or in the Caribbean (someone with more knowledge might know where it is cheapest). As Katie mentioned a house rental in Costa Rica is very affordable but you have to then worry about driving in the country (no signs, and pot holes).

  26. Bea W

    Continuing the recent travel streak of the last couple years, for 2015 already booked…

    1) Belfast Ireland and where ever else my family research takes me, which right now is some rural villages in County Down. This is a trip lead by professional genealogists specializing in Irish research. I’ll be with other people doing the same thing. About 1/2 the airfare will be will be covered with the voucher I got for the unfortunate bird strike incident that occurred on my way to Israel this past summer.

    2) Disney and Universal Studios! I haven’t been since I was a kid, back when there were 2 hotels and Epicot was barely finished. One of my friends suggested we go this year. My family has a place near by, so accommodations are free, which is awesome because…Jeepers! My jaw dropped when my friend told me how much her airfare was going to be for flying 2 hours down the coast. It’s not like she’s coming from some podunk airport in the middle of the country. I could make 3 trips to her place for the cost of her one ticket to Orlando! I don’t know how whole families afford this trip. The airfare for a family of 5 alone would bankrupt a lot of people. Then you add on baggage fees, hotel, eating out, park tickets, ground transportation, and other incidentals and holyfreakinmoly!

    1. BRR

      @orlando

      I can fly there from where I am on Frontier and if you have a little flexibility it can be around $100 per person. My mom just booked a trip from St Louis to Ft Lauderdale area (can’t remember which airport) in January for $125. Even when you add on bag fees it’s less than $200. I know for a family of five it adds up but it can be more affordable than the legacy carriers.

      1. Bea W

        $100 a person?? Holy crap!! Jet Blue has a ton of flights between Boston and multiple destinations in Florida so it’s not outrageous, but it’s not under $200 either. My friend is flying from NoVA, and there just weren’t inexpensive options for the time we are going. My friend’s ticket was around $600. We put in all kinds of variations on the dates around the time we can go, and it was still $600 and up for her. My ticket was less, but not so much less that it made any sense for her to come all the way up to Boston and fly with me.

        1. BRR

          For our wedding last week we got 9 of my husband’s family here for under $1,000. Well maybe a little over because they charge even for carry on. What everybody did was check big bags and combine.

            1. BRR

              Thanks! It was amazing and now I can stop annoying everybody with etiquette questions. Now I can annoy everybody with figuring out what to pack for Costa Rica.

  27. Jubilance

    We’re less than 3 months away from our Pi Day wedding and I’m super excited but also freaking out – it feels like we have so much still left to do! I think I’m just putting a lot of pressure on myself tho.

    I’d love to hear from other folks on the following:
    * Did you do welcome bags for your out of town guests? What did you put in them?
    * Did you do the welcome party & post-wedding brunch for your guests? How did they go? Were they well attended?
    * Any ideas on signature cocktails? Our plan is to have one from him & one from me but I’m at a loss as to what I want for mine.
    * We also plan to do a beer/wine/signature cocktail only bar, and provide each guest 2 drink tickets. Any ideas on how to distribute them? I was thinking of attaching them to the programs so that every person gets one.

    1. Sydney Bristow

      We are getting married this summer and our “favor” is a ticket to a fireworks festival in the evening after our daytime reception. I was planning to have it folded into the napkin at each place setting. That might work for you in case not everyone takes a program (unless you set them on the seats ahead of time).

      Congrats on your upcoming wedding!

      1. Sarah in DC

        I love this idea. I’ve always said if I became unexpectedly rich I’d have fireworks at my wedding, but this is way easier!

    2. OfficePrincess

      We skipped welcome bags. Even though we had a fair number of out of town guests, almost all them were familiar with the area and almost all of them were family. On top of that a good chunk stayed with other family who lived in the area so it would have been hard to distribute them.

      We also skipped the welcome party/post wedding brunch. We ran into a ton of my husband’s family the next morning since they were at the same hotel (note to wedding guests, when the bride has two tote bags, a suitcase, and a wedding dress over her arms, she’s not interested in stopping to talk for 10 minutes) and I know there were other family gatherings the day after, but we were on our way to our honeymoon by then.

      We didn’t do signature cocktails or drink tickets, but I do like Sydney’s idea of putting them at each place setting. It’s a quick and easy way to distribute them, but if you plan to have a cocktail hour in a separate space, putting them with the programs or stationing someone by the entrance to hand them out might be better options.

      1. Jubilance

        90% of our guests are out of towners, and most have never been to our wedding location, so I wanted to put together something simple with some snacks & info on the city.

        We’re having cocktail in the same location but a separate room (doing a room flip) so everyone will need their tickets for the cocktail hour, which is why I was thinking of distributing with their programs.

    3. DeeDee

      The symbolism of a signature cocktail is that it is what both of you can call your own, not each of you as individuals. Come up with one drink and make it something you’d enjoy on each anniversary.

      1. Treena Kravm

        But that’s terrible if they’re only doing wine/beer/1 signature cocktail. Even if they can find a drink they both like, the chances of many guests enjoying the single one is slim. We did 4 cocktails + wine/beer. We gave them cutsey love-themed names. I was going to do 5, but decided that was 1 too many, but I loved the name of the one that got cut. Bloody Brawling Bourbon (Blood orange bourbon)

    4. BRR

      We didn’t do welcome bags. I think they’re nice but if it’s going to add too much to your plate just skip it. We received one for one wedding with some chocolates, a can of coke (it was in Atlanta), and a bottle of water. Something to snack on and the water was nice, I’m not a huge soda person but maybe others liked it. Trader Joe’s sells individual nut mixes so maybe those would work.

      We had our friends over the night before since we don’t get to see them that often. Most were running late but I think it’s nice to have something for when people arrive. It depends where people are coming from and how your guests view attending these things. For my mom’s side of the family they see every event as mandatory while my husband’s side sees the entire wedding as optional. We did not do a brunch due to budget (the hotel had free breakfast at least) but nobody seemed to mind as many wanted to get on the road.

      For signature cocktails do you each have a favorite type of liquor? Maybe search vodka signature cocktails or gin signature cocktails.

      I have no experience with drink tickets at a wedding but I can imagine it being chaos. Could you put two at each place setting? If you could eliminate the drink tickets I would do so. But I 100% understand budgets and if you have heavy drinkers you need this in place.

      1. Jubilance

        Eliminating tickets isn’t an option for us or our budget, it was actually the best option we could come up with to allow us to host a bar for our guests at all.

    5. just laura

      Re the first two: nope and nope. Those seemed like a bunch of extra work with little payoff. I took a less-is-more approach and left the city as soon as the wedding was over! Had an amazing time but didnt want to make myself insane on planning.

    6. Anon in Tejas

      Bag– cute, yes. Water, snack food, map (hotel if large or surrounding area, starbucks, pharmacy, etc) , schedule of event, etc.

      Signature cocktail– what about your favorite pie into a cocktail? Like coconut crime pie into a cocktail with coconut rum and something else? Or lemon icebox and it’s a lemoncello cocktail.

      1. fposte

        And I’m in love with the typo of “coconut crime pie,” and I want to call it that for some kind of theme party. (Or for a really, really bad pie.)

    7. Sunflower

      The first two things- I think you can skip both, The welcome bags are nice but I find them pretty unnecessary. If you have the time and budget, they are a nice touch but aren’t necessary.

      The brunch you can also skip. It’s one of those things that I’ll go to if they have it but if not, I really don’t care or notice. Most of the time I just want to get home and I’d be just fine picking up a bagel on the way. Also, if you have a lot of out of towners, depending, a lot might skip out early to catch flights or get home early.

      I’d have one signature cocktail that most everyone would enjoy and another that isn’t as popular but has significance. Usually any cocktail with vodka, cordial and a fruit juice is a popular choice

      1. Stephanie

        The brunch you can also skip. It’s one of those things that I’ll go to if they have it but if not, I really don’t care or notice. Most of the time I just want to get home and I’d be just fine picking up a bagel on the way. Also, if you have a lot of out of towners, depending, a lot might skip out early to catch flights or get home early.

        Yeah, seconding this. My friend had wedding brunch at her house. Wedding was downtown, but the brunch was at her mom’s out in the suburbs. The airport was a straight shot from downtown (and a semi-affordable cab ride), but it was really awkward to get from her house to the airport. I enjoyed brunch, but there was this slight anxiety where I was worried that I would be stuck with a $100 cab ride to the airport (I was leaving at a different time than most). I eventually figured something out after bugging enough people.

    8. Katie the Fed

      I did welcome bags with local-themed treats. Beer from a local brewery, some local munchies, etc. I didn’t do a map since there was a website and most people have smart phones. I also threw in a couple apples because it was fall and I thought people might like something healthy – everyone was happy for them :)

      My in-laws bought a bunch of booze and their hotel room turned into party central – so that was the extent of a welcome party. But they also expanded the rehearsal dinner to include ALL out-of-town guests, which was a lot of people (hey, their money if they want to). Then we invited friend-aged people out for drinks after that.

      We didn’t do a day after brunch because most people left the night of the wedding.

      For the drink tickets – can you have them attached to the escort cards?

      1. Jubilance

        Yeah we’re opening the rehearsal dinner to all our out of town guests – making it easy by serving pizza :-)

        We could do this and have everyone pick up their escort cards during the cocktail hour. We just need to make sure everyone has their tickets during the cocktail hour, which is why I was thinking of distributing them with the programs.

        1. Katie the Fed

          We had the escort cards at the bar for the cocktail hour so it worked out well. Programs could work well too but if you have any late arrivers that could be tricky.

          I love the Pi Day btw! Are you serving pies? We had wedding pies instead of a wedding cake – everyone loved them.

          1. Jubilance

            Our favors are mini-pies in a variety of flavors, so everyone can take something sweet home. I had to have wedding cake but we couldn’t NOT have pie at our Pi Day wedding.

  28. Carrie in Scotland

    Today I am sleepy because I had an epic phone call – 6 and a half hours – with a boy that last until almost 7 am this morning. Said boy lives a few hundred miles away but we are meeting in the middle – Edinburgh – for an all day date thing after the new year. I am tentatively excited about such a thing even though you hear of awful stories when it comes to internet dating.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale

      OMG, it’s like real life Gavin and Stacey! :-)

      I wish you luck, caution, and awesomeness. Listen to your spidey sense, but enjoy yourself. Those meetings can be so exciting. BUT– I give you permission to leave early or abruptly if things get wonky.

    2. Adonday Veeah

      A six-and-a-half-hour phone conversation is a good omen. At least you know you have stuff to talk about! There are awful internet dating stories, but there are awesome ones too, that lead to the forever-kind-of-love! Leave yourself a back door. I’m hoping you don’t have to use it. Have a wonderful time in Edinburgh! Report back.

      1. Carrie in Scotland

        my friend actually suggested I find a pub with a front and back entrance in case of needing to escape :) I will report back (it’s not for 2 weeks)

      1. Sydney Bristow

        I met my fiancé online about 3 years ago and we are getting married this summer. Have fun and trust your instincts!

    3. SecinUK

      I met my husband on the internet (MSN chat rooms, you got to love them!). This was nearly 12 years ago and I do know quite a few people from the chat room I used to frequent who ended up together and are still together. It can happen! Have a great time and be safe!

  29. Alfie

    I am just so happy it is the Solstice. I have been counting the days until it starts getting light again and telling the dog each day. The long dark days are not great for body or soul. Looking forward to rededicating myself to exercise, healthier eating and togetherness time walking with the dog!

    1. Mal

      This is basically what my husband said today when I told him it was the solstice. “Just think, it can only get warmer, sunnier and days get longer from here on out!

        1. De Minimis

          Yeah us too, Jan/Feb are usually the worst of winter, and we often have at least one more cold spell in March.

          *Really* hope to be somewhere else next winter. I grew up here but spent most of my 30s in a place with milder winter weather and since I’ve been back here I’ve learned that I just don’t want to have to deal with that anymore.

      1. Bea W

        Well… for us it gets COLDER before it gets warmer. We still have the snowy months ahead. At least it will start getting lighter earlier in the morning though. I can’t take these dark mornings.

          1. fposte

            Could you get photosensitive lights or sensors? Both my front and side door lights go on when it gets dark automatically, and it’s absolutely awesome.

              1. Anonsie

                We put cheapo timer switches on our outside lights for this. You just do the wall switch– takes like 15 mins and you can take them off when you move.

      2. TL -

        Yeah, it’s definitely going to get colder in my city until the end of February or so. But the promise of longer days is giving me hope :)

    2. Not So NewReader

      I hear you and waiting for the light, too.
      Hopefully, this Jan/Feb will not be like last year. That was really discouraging.

    3. Lulubell

      I’ve been telling people all week that I couldn’t wait til today so the the days can start getting longer again. Glad to know I’m not alone!

  30. Sunflower

    The holiday’s always bring to surface my weird feelings towards my family. I love my family but I’ve always considered myself closer with my friends. When I hear holiday songs and watch movies that talk about the importance of spending the holiday’s with loved ones, I have those feelings towards my friends. At family get-togethers, I end up avoiding everyone but my dad(we get along mostly because he doesn’t ask me about my future life plans). Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who feels this way. My friends seem to think it’s weird that I try to avoid family events. My family has never done anything bad but we just aren’t close. And the holiday’s seem fake- like my mother is trying to act like we are a tight knit family and we really aren’t. I’ve never gone to my family in an emotional crisis or even introduced them to someone I’m dating because I’ve always felt more comfortable with my friends. I don’t know. I guess I’m just looking for confirmation that I’m not a total freak and/or bad person for feeling this way.

    1. Carrie in Scotland

      This is the first Christmas in 3 years I’m spending it with what constitutes with my family. I’m telling myself that if I don’t like it, I don’t have to do it again.

    2. reader

      Not a total freak. My family is fine but not people I want to spend a lot of time with and certainly not with all of them at once. Generally speaking we would not pick each other to be friends with. We are very different people.

    3. Miss Pronounced

      Confirmation granted! You’re not the only person who feels that way, I am somewhat the same way. It’s absolutely nothing to feel bad about…it’s just the way things are sometimes.

    4. Not So NewReader

      I’ll agree with that. My friends have been my true Christmas for me. Family? Sometimes yes, but not all the time.

    5. jamlady

      Totally not strange. I’m very close with my family but my husband’s family is the opposite. They get along okay, they just… aren’t close. I knew my husband as a friend for 6 years before we were engaged and I didn’t meet them until we were almost married. He and his sister both keep their lives super private. It’s just how they are. We didn’t fly home for the holidays this year and it barely bothers him – he just likes his grandma’s cooking lol.

    6. Trixie

      I’m tight with my super small family but don’t feel the same intensity to spend holidays together. Given a choice, I’d much rather travel/visit any other time of the year when it isn’t completely insane. But I’m also someone who enjoys the holidays alone with fun outings, dinner, movie, etc.

    7. Lulubell

      Nope, definitely not the only one. I wish I was closer with my family and had the relationships with them that some of my friends have with their parents, but I just don’t. My friendships are also really strong, so I figure I can’t be that much of an emotionally distant freak.

  31. Bea W

    I got my second Stitch Fix this month and loved that one too! I was unsure about a couple pieces when I took them out of the box, but they fit perfectly and looked great when I tried them on. I kept the whole box again. It was actually only $150 for all five pieces, which I thought was a great price. I have not been able to find clothing that fits well and that I like to much at any of the less expensive big box stores. So it’s worth paying a bit more for clothes that fit well and are decent quality. I wear the things from my first box all the time. I owe whomever posted that months ago, a huge double debt of gratitude now!

  32. Mal

    Ok y’all, I usually just post replies to people, but my husband and I will be relocating to a large Midwest city in May(about 2 hours from where we live now) and next weekend we’re going to go visit a couple different apartment complexes in the new city.
    What do you consider deal breakers and absolute necessities in a new place?
    On a scale of 1-10 how important is a second bedroom? It’s just the two of us with no plans for kids in the next few years, but we live 1500 miles from our hometown, so we do have visitors a few times a year, but can’t decide if a second bedroom is a must have(we’re in a one bedroom now).
    Rent rates are very reasonable in this area too so a second bedroom isn’t going to break the bank either, it would just be a cost savings if we didn’t have it.
    Thoughts?

    1. GOG11

      Perhaps you could think about what you like and dislike about your current place to start. My house doesn’t have any sort of entryway or mudroom. The backdoor just comes into the kitchen where the landing to the basement stairs is. There’s no room for me to take off my shoes or store things like coats and if I ever move, that’s something I definitely want! Are there any things like that that you’ve thought about before? Or does what you have work really well for you (so that you could get a similar place in New City)?

    2. Hillary

      An office/hobby room is really nice to have – it’s a place to shut the door if one of you wants quiet.

      I’ll only live on the top floor again. Noise and water both travel down.

    3. Not So NewReader

      If you think you want a second bedroom maybe you can use it for a hobby/craft room or a library/den area primarily. Put a sleeper sofa in there for when guests come. For me a guest room has been about a 9 on a scale of 1-10. I don’t use it a lot- but it is sure good to have. I put seasonal items in the closet and drawers in that room. And it gives me space to throw stuff, if I need to suddenly straighten up another area of the house.

    4. INTP

      Top dealbreaker: People are allowed to smoke indoors, or you can vaguely smell any kind of smoke coming from under your neighbors’ doors, or there are a lot of cigarette butts near the building. Even if it’s not in the unit when you visit, weird ventilation things can bring it into your unit. Your clothes will smell like it (try getting a job in a suit that reeks of smoke), you might get sick, etc.

      Second dealbreaker: bottom floor apartment. Maybe this is just coincidence but every older apartment building I’ve lived in, the people on the bottom floor have had flooding at some point. Plus, I know that most thieves are opportunists and I don’t want my unit to be the easiest one to break into.

      Third dealbreaker: This depends on the area, but no off-street parking. If street parking is plentiful and unregulated, or obviously if you don’t have a car, disregard it. But in my midwestern city, there are bizarre regulations about street parking so the only way to park off-street involved nightly parking tickets or moving my car to inconvenient locations multiple times per day and paying for nighttime use of certain lots (assuming I could even get a spot in them).

      1. jordanjay29

        I agree with all of these. My building is non-smoking, but people smoke RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR. Sometimes they smoke on the second floor fire escape landing. Inevitably, the smoke gets inside the building and I’ll have to smell it for an entire evening. Opening the windows doesn’t help, since that’s where the smoke is.

        If you find a place that’s non-smoking, make sure its enforced, too. My college is supposedly non-smoking, but it’s supposed to be peer-enforced. Which is just as effective as you’d guess it is: not at all.

      2. the gold digger

        And the weird street parking could be almost bearable (but still a dealbreaker), but throw snow into the mix and it would be a nightmare. Attached covered parking is really, really nice if you are going to a place that gets snow.

        I really hated having to go to the basement to wash my clothes when I was still in communal living. My husband’s apartment had its own washer and dryer and that was nice – no trudging down a few floors only to discover that someone else was already doing laundry.

        But my husband also had the crazy upstairs neighbors who did laundry every single day at 5 a.m. until he complained. Then they waited until 8 a.m. after snapping at him that this was NOT New York City and people here get up early, which made me wonder if they had ever been in New York. I don’t think that it is super quiet at 5 a.m. there, but what do I know?

        How much laundry can two retired people generate? They did laundry at 8 a.m. and then another load at 4 p.m. Every day.

        So yeah – I don’t know how you do this, but check out the crazy neighbors. You would think old people would be easy and quiet, but you would be wrong.

    5. salad fingers

      This might be really obvious but in my experience living in an apartment in a large midwestern city, not a given: LAUNDRY! PREFERABLY IN UNIT! Not even funny what a pain laundromats are.

    6. Sunflower

      For me, a guest room is not a big deal except that ample storage space is a big deal for me so if the place does not have an attic or basement, I would go for a 2 bedroom to store stuff in. My friend just moved into an apt and her number one thing was natural lighting. I have to admit having a lot of natural lighting does change the ambiance of an apartment but while it looks beautiful in pictures, being woken up at sunrise or not being able to sleep late because of light sucks. And I’ve never found a pretty set of blackout curtains.

      1. Alder

        Natural lighting is my #1 thing. Also: Landlords who won’t be up in my business. Ability to walk to some kind of hang-out-spot like a coffee shop or library.

        I’ve been incredibly spoiled that the longest commute I’ve ever had was 5 miles. Right now I bike to work and live close enough to walk on nasty-weather days. I pay more in rent, but I don’t have a car, and not having to deal with traffic saves me SO much time.

    7. Elizabeth West

      If you know you’re going to have visitors, I would definitely go for the second bedroom. Both you and your visitors will be grateful, and it might come in handy if one of you is ill and doesn’t want to keep the other one awake coughing or tossing about.

      The thing I most wish I had done when I bought this stupid house was to get one that had TWO bathrooms. Mine needs to be redone–seriously, a gas station bathroom is better than mine–but I won’t be able to do it all at once unless someone from one of those TV shows does it, because I won’t have anywhere else to go!

      1. ILiveToServe

        if you can afford it. Second bathroom even if it just a powder room. Walkablity score- can you walk to a “main street” to eat a meal , pick up a quart of milk and if there is a bookstore or library, it is perfect.

        I love having a spare bedroom- not just for guests…sometimes you just need a break…perfect place for a retreat. We have a stationary bicycle in ours. Midwest. Bad weather. Need exercise.

        1. the gold digger

          There is a “walkability index” somewhere online.

          Wait. OK. Walkscore dot com. It tells you what you can walk to from your house. It’s pretty cool and it’s useful.

    8. HR Manager

      Here’s what’s big for me:
      – A MUST – no smoking or reasonably smoke-free (ugh – my sinuses would shrivel and die)
      – Cat friendly
      – Decent sized kitchen with recent appliances and a pantry for storage
      – Good natural light
      – Quiet neighbors
      – Close garbage disposal options (and not smelly; well-maintained!)
      – In building laundry facilities
      – Walkable to groceries – a must since I have no car

      Nice to have:
      – Second bedroom for kitties
      – Balcony space
      – Big closets (if good storage is already available)
      – Hard wood floors vs carpeting
      – Walkable to amenities (restaurants, etc.)
      – A/C

  33. GOG11

    My divorce is now finalized! And about a week ago, I submitted an idea for a product to a company that takes people’s invention ideas and turns them into products (then pays royalties). I’ve had this idea for a long time and it is nice to be validated in this way after all the crappiness of the divorce. It feels like things are finally moving forward.

      1. GOG11

        Thank you! I hope it will get that far! I can say now, actually (and I’m happy to share as I think it’s quite nice even if it doesn’t solve a big problem or anything). It’s a credit-card-sized quarter holder. It allows you to store quarters in a slot in your wallet (or directly in your pocket). I always go to ALDI and I about half the time I end up spending or losing my coin for the cart corral. So this would keep it away from random ‘undesignated’ pocket change and, thus, keep me from spending it. They make coin things but you can’t transfer your groceries to a new cart without losing your token (and, as many of them are attached to your keys) your house and car keys as well.

        I have no idea if it will make it to the next stage, but I’m really hoping it will! If not, I’m going to find a way to make it myself so I don’t have to carry all my groceries in my arms anymore.

    1. Ask a Manager Post author

      Thank you for asking! It’s actually healing a lot faster than I expected. I don’t have 100% function back yet, but it’s getting there, and I can type basically normally now (although I’m going to continue taking advantage of all these update posts to continue giving myself a bit of a break for the rest of the month). It was pretty much the opposite of my foot injury a few years ago; when that happened, I thought it would be pretty minor and it turned out to be totally life disrupting for close to a year. With the thumb, I was prepared for it to be highly disruptive for a while, and it’s turned out to be much easier than I’d feared. I like this way better.

      (And I feel silly complaining about either after reading Janis’ post below! Scary.)

      1. Windchime

        My foot took a good year to heal, too. Huge pain. I’m glad your thumb is coming along more quickly.

  34. Janis

    OK, pros and cons requsted for the following situation:

    Nine weeks ago I was in a pretty serious car accident. I missed 8 weeks of work (and a lot of AAM) mending from several broken bones. To be clear, my life was never in danger, but I was a virtual shut-in while mending. I couldn’t even take a shower for the first 14 days (I add that just for some fun squickiness.) Anyhow, even though I was the one carted away in the ambulance, I was given the citation and the summons for an improper left turn. I didn’t see the car that hit me until a split second before impact.

    The girl who hit me was shook up, but not injured. I think I knew it was my fault the second after it happened. I later saw the police report and she was 24 years old, literally young enough to be my daughter. I’ve never hit anyone, but I am sure she felt terrible about it, as most of us would.

    Since I have her name and address I’m considering sending her a note telling her I’m all right, I’m back at work part-time, I know I was in error, etc. (I would have to do some wordsmithing, of course. ) Part of me says not to, to just let it drop, insurance companies handled everything, and so on. There’s no question of my admitting guilt since that’s all been sorted out. But another part of me says she’s so young, and must have been in terrible shock seeing the fire department cut the doors of my car off to get to me, and probably had a rough few days.
    Thoughts?

    1. Stephanie

      Pro: It’s a nice, thoughtful thing to do.
      Con: I’d wonder about legal implications. I saw you got a citation, but I’d wonder if this could fuel the fire if she decided to sue. IANAL (although I used to work with a bunch of them), and little things like that could hurt.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale

        Yup. If you do this, you need to wait until the insurance is all settled and done.

        My initial reaction was to say that this is a very nice thing, a lovely sentiment, etc., but the more I think about it… don’t do it. I urge you not to project on this young woman. While she was probably very, very shaken up at the scene and it probably did impact her emotionally, you don’t know if she feels sympathetic or even kindly toward you. After all… it was your fault. I don’t want to make you feel worse than you do, and I think your heart is in the right place, but unless she reaches out to you for some reason, I’d advise you to leave her to her own recovery.

        1. Persephone Mulberry

          AvonLady said exactly what I was thinking, only better. 8 weeks is probably just enough time to start feeling “normal” behind the wheel, without being constantly hyperalert for cars popping out where they’re not supposed to be. Sending a note is probably going to remind her of the accident more than anything.

    2. Observer

      Run this by your lawyer, just to make sure you’re not overlooking anything. But, I do think a short note would be nice. No matter whose fault it was, it must have been pretty traumatic for her. So letting her know that it really wasn’t her fault and that you’ll be ok should be helpful to her.

      1. Janis

        Well, I don’t have a lawyer. A 15 year old car totaled a 13 year old car and no attorney was really warranted. My car insurance company sent me a check weeks ago, so I can only assume she got one around the same time.

        I think the nays have it, unless there are some late posters.

    3. BRR

      Personally I wouldn’t. It’s a very kind thought but (a heads up the following is going to be blunt and you might not like it) if somebody caused an accident I wouldn’t particularly care how they were doing. I might be mildly interested just out of curiously but with having to deal with everything like insurance and car repairs I wouldn’t really be worried about the person who caused it. It might have caused me some shock but it would take awhile for me not to feel anger.

      1. Sunflower

        I am kind of in this camp to. If she knows your injuries were not life threatening, she might not be all that interested in how you’re doing. My car was totaled (hit when it was parked thankfully) when I was 24 and the insurance company was actually not difficult to deal with but the entire thing was a nightmare. Between dealing with claim adjusters, police reports and trying to find a car that I could actually afford, it was a huge headache and if the person who hit my car contacted me, I probably wouldn’t really want to talk to them.

        I’m sorry this happened(it can happen to anyone) and I’m glad you’re okay but I’d recommend trying to forget about it and just move on.

    4. fposte

      I’m pretty much in agreement with Stephanie on the pro/con thing, and I’m leaning toward con because the woman’s feelings toward you (I know at our age they feel like girls, but remember they’re old enough to be commanding people in the military) might also be kind of complicated. I understand the impulse, as I was rear-ended by a very sweet sixteen-year-old guy once who was horrified and hugged me when he found out I was okay. It’s a weird kind of connection.

      But mostly I’m glad you’re okay and mending. Enjoy those showers!

    5. Not So NewReader

      My husband was an insurance adjuster. I know he would have said do not do this. Do NOT.

      I understand your desire to reassure her, but probably others around her are helping her with that. Please just concentrate on healing your body.

      I am sorry this happened to you.

    6. GOG11

      I don’t have any advice regarding the pros and cons (and I think it’s been covered really nicely anyways) but I’m so glad you’re doing alright now. It sounds like it’s been a very long healing process and I’m glad you’re on the upswing.

    7. Otter box

      Don’t do anything that can be construed as admitting fault. About 15 years ago my grandparents were in an accident where my grandfather was at fault – he rear-ended someone because he didn’t notice they’d stopped. (Fwiw he was getting to the point where he probably needed to stop driving.) My grandparents thought the woman they’d hit was nice and felt so terrible about what had happened they apologized. Turns out this supposedly nice woman took their apology and used it to sue them for an obscene amount of money. I’m actually not sure how it all turned out because my grandfather fell ill and died not long afterward, but that sure taught me to never admit fault in a situation like that.

      1. fposte

        I was working for an insurance company when one of the nicest guys there got mildly hit by somebody, who apologized; his reaction back at the office was “I sure hope we don’t cover her.”

      2. Sunflower

        Not sure what the situation was then but I know in PA, regardless of the situation, if you rear end someone you are always at fault. Here we also have limited tort and full tort and depending on what your limit is, that controls how much you can sue people for.

    8. Carrie in Scotland

      When I was 19 or 20, I was in a car accident where the other driver crossed into our lane and hit us (he’d been on night shift and lost concentration) .
      I don’t remember this but years afterwards my dad – who was driving at the time – said that he’d come round to our house to apologise and I wouldn’t talk to him (I’m assuming my dad did).
      I feel a bit bad about it now but clearly I was upset.

    9. Elizabeth West

      I’m glad you’re doing better but I’m with the others. It’s probably best not to. I know the guy who hit me on my birthday last year was very sorry and didn’t mean to (then pay attention to red lights from now on, dude). I’m sure he felt bad for a while, but I don’t care. I am still freaked when I turn at that intersection, though I had to get used to it quickly because I go through it every day.

      And I would not hand someone written admission of fault–she could still sue the crap out of you.

      1. Janis

        All right, the nays have spoken. No note will be written. But I believe there is a perception out there that by doing so I would be admitting fault. The fault was assessed at the scene of the accident by the police, so that idea is a nonstarter. Insurance companies tell you not to admit fault at the time, but when the police assess fault, it’s a done deal. The fine to the county has long since been sent and the check cashed.

        As for those who say she wouldn’t care how someone was doing that she hit, even if it weren’t her fault …well, hell’s bells, folks, I can’t even go there. What a world. But I will go along with the advice.

        1. Trixie

          First, so glad you’re on the mend. And appreciating showers again.

          Second, I imagine this young driver has folks in her life reassuring her accidents happen (sometimes our fault, other times it’s someone else’s) but we do get past them. Especially when that insurance check comes in to help with repairs!

        2. Observer

          As for those who say she wouldn’t care how someone was doing that she hit, even if it weren’t her fault …well, hell’s bells, folks, I can’t even go there. What a world. But I will go along with the advice.

          Although I think I would care, I also think you are being a bit unfair. It’s easy to see why she might see it differently. After all, she could just as easily have been the victim. So I could see her thinking “I could just as easily be the one who had to be cut out of that car, and now you want be to care about what happened to you?!”

        3. Elizabeth West

          For the record, Janis, HE hit ME. I did not hit him. I was making a LEGAL left turn and he blew through a red light whilst watching a fire truck and nearly totaled the only good car I’ve ever had. I’m extremely lucky that 1) I didn’t get hurt, and 2) my car was fixable. I still cannot go through that intersection without thinking of it, and I probably never will until I move away from this neighborhood, which can’t come soon enough for me.

          And though I’m very glad he wasn’t hurt and we shook hands and moved past it at the scene, I don’t have any desire to contribute to any psychotherapy he may have needed after the fact, because that is not and has never been and never will be my responsibility.

          You enjoy the view from your high horse, there. >:P

    10. Celeste

      Resist the urge to mother this young person. I get it, but I think you should put it out of your head. I don’t really see how any good can come of it. You never know how it will be received, either. She might think it’s a passive aggressive dig of some sort. Be like Elsa and let it go.

  35. AvonLady Barksdale

    We are prepping for our annual latke party… but it’s the first in our new home and city. I miss my friends in NYC, but I am looking so forward to welcoming people here, even if only a few show up.

    I am also irrationally concerned that I won’t have enough food, but that is bs.

    1. BRR

      I just made some last night but they’re almost already gone. Can I come? My house still smells like oil. It was only one night of frying but the smell will last 8 nights.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale

        I haaaaate the lingering smell– only downside! At our last building in NYC we had a community room with a stove and did the party down there, which was SO AMAZING. So here’s our solution for today: we bought a charcoal grill and we’re going to fry the latkes in a cast iron pan on the grill in the backyard. Wish me luck, please! I will be frying in the dark…

        1. Alfie

          Wow that’s a great idea. Good luck! I will be interested in how they turn out. I agree you probably will have enough, but also in my mind there is really no such thing as too many latkes.

        2. danr

          get a light. There are grill lights that will clip onto the sideboard. And there are some for sale since they’re being pushed as gifts. And I sure hope it’s warm where you are. Charcoal loses heat very quickly when it’s cold. As a backup, make a quick trip to a hardware or camping store and pick up a portable gas stove (coleman type) with a couple of bottles of gas.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale

            We have a deck light, so I’ll be able to see a little bit! It’s about 45 degrees out here– chilly, but not bad. This is all experimental, really, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll just move the operation inside. I think I might cook a few latkes before people get here, though my usual M.O. is to cook during the party and make people visit me.

            1. danr

              run out and get a couple of weber starter chimneys. After your initial load, start a chimney again so it’s ready to pour in and keep the heat up. It takes about 20 minutes for chimney started charcoal to be ready to use. Good luck and let us know how it went…

              1. AvonLady Barksdale

                Went mostly ok– the first batch was pretty good, then I got some newcomers later in the evening and the coals just would not stay hot (it was cold and windy here). But we tried it and did it (mostly) and I’m glad we did. Our house doesn’t stink!

                We also had about 14 people show up, and for just being in town for 5 months… that’s pretty good. It wasn’t quite the extravaganza that we used to have, but we had lovely guests who knew how to socialize with each other. I had to kick out our last stragglers at 10, which was 2 hours later than I expected. We’re also almost entirely cleaned up now– just the dishes and a general wipe-down of the kitchen left, and we can do that tomorrow. ‘Twas a good latke party.

  36. INTP

    I’m spending three weeks of the holiday season with my grandmother. I have a couple of sticky family questions.

    1) My grandmother has early-ish stage dementia. I love her and she was like a second mother to me growing up. Part of the reason I’m staying so long is to be with her while she still recognizes me and is more or less herself, just with very poor short-term memory. However, I’m finding myself getting annoyed about things, and then feeling awful about it. For example, she fixates on specific things, I think to get some sense of control and ease her anxieties. Right now one of those is people eating. She forgets that you’ve eaten 15 minutes ago and constantly badgers you to eat, even seeming to get her feelings hurt if you don’t want her to make you some food or coffee. I know there isn’t any solution to this but I’m hoping other people can tell me that you’ve also found yourself getting annoyed and even snapping while dealing with a relative with similar issues so I don’t feel so mean.

    2) I’m working remotely, and people in my family tend to stop by my grandmother’s house constantly and unannounced. She’s a southern matriarch and her house is sort of a gathering place – this isn’t considered rude in the culture. My parents and I live far away from the rest of the family, (maybe more importantly, we live not-in-the-south), so when we’re here, people tend to just assume that we want to see them as often as they’re able to show up. I suspect that at least once I’ll be on a deadline when someone decides to show up to “spend time with me” unannounced. I can’t not let them in because it’s not my house. Anyone dealt with this and have good wording for “I’m happy you thought of me but I’m going to need to be alone in my room concentrating, and I really need to be consulted in advance next time, even if no one does that here”? Or just general tips for getting people to understand that your remote work is just as time-sensitive and important as if you had to go into the office at a specific time?

    3) Another thing my grandma forgets is that I don’t eat meat. Since she insists on doing the cooking, but can’t manage as much as she used to, side dishes tend to fall by the wayside (reasonably so) and be things that I don’t like at all, like canned green beans. Several years I’ve been starving all of Christmas day because I just picked at a few things during the meal and then tried to fill up on desserts, and had to wait a few hours to go eat something else so it wouldn’t be obvious I hadn’t been satisfied by lunch. My relatives down here in general tend to not get that vegetarians need protein too, not just vegetables and bread. I’m sure I’m not the only non-meat-eater with this problem, anyone have a good solution? My grandma doesn’t love people in her kitchen while she’s cooking so I’m thinking I’ll try to make something that can be made ahead before she’s awake, like a quinoa or lentil salad, that I can fill up on maybe.

    1. Not So NewReader

      For #1- YES, a thousand times yes. It’s pretty easy to find yourself feeling short-fused. Maybe you can take someone with you that is willing to team up with you and do work-a-rounds for some of these things. For example, Grandma keeps asking you if you want more coffee, your partner in crime redirects grandma by talking about her lovely poinsettia.

      Just so you are aware- as dementia progresses it becomes less and less reasonable for one person to try to work with the ill person alone. The worse the disease gets, the more people are needed.
      So, be sure that it is even reasonable for you to attempt this alone, first.

      #2 Can you FB or email blast people to say that you will be there but you will be on the clock working at particular times? This is my second reason for saying can you take someone with you.
      Maybe a neighbor would be willing to help out while you have to work. Or, if Grandma goes to church, maybe someone from church would come.

      #3 Either prepare some foods you can eat or know where the best stores are and their hours of business. Definitely do this. I am very limited in how I eat so I always bring something I know I can have when I travel.

      1. INTP

        My grandpa lives here, so he can help out somewhat. I’m able to work undistracted when only the two of them are home, and he can distract her somewhat.

        I’m not on Facebook really or in regular contact with many of my relatives, so I felt it would be presumptuous to just call or email people to announce it. Of course, 5 minutes ago my aunt’s family of 5 walked in and will be staying for several nights, and I have a 9am deadline tomorrow. I’m getting some weird looks because I have barely looked up from my computer. However, they either didn’t tell anyone they were coming or only told my grandma (at this point everyone knows that they need to tell my grandpa things or they will be forgotten). I had no idea until they walked in.

        1. TL -

          In my experience with southern culture (and I grew up in Texas), it’s fine to do that as long as you welcome, acknowledge, and then excuse yourself – do the requisite 5 minutes of full-attention chit-chat – and (since they’re spending the nights) spend evenings/early mornings with them, that’ll go over much, much better than any other approach that still lets you work.

          Also, work out of their line of sight, like in your bedroom if possible, so they’re not constantly seeing you not joining the conversation.

    2. Sunflower

      1- My grandmother had dementia and Yes it’s so normal to get annoyed. I think a lot of the annoyance is frustration because you know there’s nothing you can do to fix it and you know it will get worse so don’t feel bad for feeling this way. It’s totally normal. Dementia seems to manifest in each person differently. I would second Not so NewReader and have someone on your team and you two can work together. Sometimes, even if it seems cruel, it often just helps to assert ‘Grandma, I ate 15 minutes ago. See, you made me x and y. here is my plate’. PS- I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s an uphill battle and I feel for you *hugs*

      2. Find a library or starbucks if you’re on deadline. I know the feeling of people not understanding that just because you aren’t at the office, it doesn’t mean you aren’t working. The best idea is probably to remove yourself from any distractions.

      3. Offer to make some of the side dishes. Are there dishes you enjoy that the rest of your family might enjoy as well? If they are scared of quinoa, tell them it tastes like rice or pasta. If they don’t want to eat it, oh well, more for you!!

    3. MegKnits

      For the eating, could you get away with tea or another light beverage that wouldn’t be too inconvenient to have a few times a day?
      Or how about when people stop by, say you are in the middle of a deadline and can only chat for 5-10? I know it’s not the best, but it’s better than 30-60 minutes.

    4. TL -

      Take advantage of the make-yourself-at-homeness of Southern culture – when someone comes, welcome them in, show them the kitchen, sit them down with your grandma, chit-chat for 5 minutes, and then be very polite and friendly, and excuse yourself to go get work done. If you can, come out for 5 minutes every hour or half-hour or so and catch up. Especially emphasize the fact that you’re down here to help out with your grandma (not for vacation) and I bet you people’ll be fairly understanding about it.

      Suggested wording: Oh, I’m so sorry to have to leave y’all like this, but since my bosses were really great in letting me work remotely in order to come down to help with Grandma, I’ve really got to make my deadlines! Please, make yourselves at home and holler if you need anything, and I’ll be out as soon as I can/will visit with you next time/am really looking forward to visiting with you at brunch next Sunday!

      3) I don’t know about how your family works, but my family is kinda “I’m cooking what I’m cooking and if you don’t like it, fix yourself something and don’t complain.” So maybe just fix yourself food, and eat when you get hungry. Don’t make a big deal about, but don’t try to hide it – offer to share if you think it’ll be taken well. And your grandma’s old enough that I would actually say it’s fine to lie to her and say your doctor wants you on a low-fat/low-cholesterol/low-meat diet for some made-up reasons, and you miss her cooking terribly but you really have to stick to the diet.

      1. Ask a Manager Post author

        OMG, can you be my southern-niceness translator? My family is very blunt and direct — we’d just say, “Can’t talk, got to get some work done” and run out of the room, and my in-laws are not at all like that and I need a translator like this. (My husband is good at telling me how to do it, but often it’s too late.)

        1. TL -

          Oh, anytime! I love southern hospitality and grew up in a very small town, so the right manners and playing nice were super important to making the tiny community run smoothly.

  37. Ask a Manager Post author

    Maybe someone can help me resolve a where-to-live question that’s been completely stumping me.

    My husband and I are totally obsessed with the idea of living in a log home. Not like a small log cabin, but a relatively normal house (preferably chalet-style) that is made entirely out of logs. See, for example, the ones pictured here.

    However, most of the places where log homes exist are pretty far outside of the DC metro area, where we live currently. For instance, there are amazing ones in Berkeley Springs, West Virginia (in fact, we’ve stayed in one there several times, which is what originally got us thinking about this), and you can get a beautiful house on several acres of woods for far less than what we’d pay for much less space in DC … but it seems pretty misguided to choose the place where you live based just on the kind of house you want. There are other places that have them too, but they’re all at least a couple hours from where we are now. I’m sure we could be happy in some of those places, but (a) it seems like it would be crazy to uproot ourselves and move somewhere quite different just because of our love of logs, and (b) if we did consider doing it anyway, I can’t figure out how we’d decide specifically where to go. I feel like I need a real estate consultant or something, someone to listen to everything we want and then tell us where to find it in a 300-mile radius … but I don’t think there is such a thing.

    Ultimately, I think I’m realizing that maybe this is a pipe dream and we have to give up on it (at least until retirement, when presumably it might not matter so much where we live), but we’re both finding it very hard to give it up.

    1. fposte

      Could you dip a toe in via the summer cottage approach, maybe even just renting?

      And have you seen the Cabin Porn tumblr? It is to drool for.

      1. Ask a Manager Post author

        I’ve thought about that, but we’re both such homebodies that the idea of shuffling back and forth between two places doesn’t feel appealing. I want home to be home, not half-home, you know?

        I like to do my drooling here:
        Pinterest log home search (be prepared for painful, painful envy if you click)

        1. fposte

          With you on the home thing. Do you think the shuffling between home and DC would be equally wearing, or would home be enough of a magic castle that it’d be worth it? Or is that basically the question you’re asking yourself?

          1. Ask a Manager Post author

            I think we probably wouldn’t do that much shuffling between the two, but I could be wrong about that. I might be deluding myself into thinking we’d be fine in a less urban area, but we have so many amenities here that we don’t take regular advantage of (but are paying for in real estate costs) that I think we’d be okay. (The main urban amenity we take advantage of is the ability to have everything delivered within hours.)

    2. Not So NewReader

      Decades ago, my father bought one of these and had it built on a piece of property he owned.
      The logs are square, not rounded. It’s tongue and groove construction so the logs lock together. All the interior walls go up at the same time the exterior walls go up.

      The one my father had built was much smaller than these guys here. Basement and roof were considered “extras”. It is cedar so you might want to think about allergies in your families.
      It’s not quite the rustic look of a log cabin, but that means it might fit in more easily in the areas you are considering.
      http://lindal.com/homes/gallery/small_treasures/chalet.cfm

        1. Not So NewReader

          You get one built make sure they drop a plumb-bob every few layers to make sure they are going STRAIGHT up.
          just sayin’….

          It came out beautiful, though. My father went with a sheet metal roof. He put in a double chimney so he could burn oil or wood. It had a full basement and a deck off the front of he house. He built a covered area next to the basement door that served as a sun room and a place to keep fire wood dry.

      1. fposte

        Oh, man, those fill me with longing. We used to spend summer vacations in cabins like this (only less posh than the brochure ones) in Wisconsin and they still make me feel all summery and happy.

        1. doreen

          It might be easier to buy property and have the chalet built on it. I know there’s a log home builder I pass a few times a year and it’s pretty obvious that they are only involved in selling/building the home and not the property.

          1. Ask a Manager Post author

            I’ve been ruling that out because building seems like such a headache (and exactly the wrong thing for a neurotic worrier to involve herself in), but you might be right that it could ultimately be the way to go. That way we wouldn’t be limited to existing houses and could put one exactly where we wanted it.

            1. Not So NewReader

              Am chuckling, building a home is one of the top five most stressful things you can do. Because of that house*, I am permanently cured of ever wanting to have a home built.
              *It had very little to do with the house kit itself and more to do with circumstances at the site and the builders my father hired, etc.
              I was surprised at how little came with the kit, though.

    3. Persephone Mulberry

      I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable to “uproot your life” because you desire a particular style of home – it’s no different than if you’ve always dreamed of living in a I dunno…brownstone or NYC loft or original Craftsman or midcentury ranch (why? LOL). *Especially* since you work from home and spend far more time there than the average joe. As for nailing down specific geography – I guess you look at what you like to do when you’re not at home – shopping, arts, sports – and find areas that will fulfill those needs as well as offer the type of house you want. Or decide where you want to live, and custom build, and ignore all the folks who think it’s weird to see a log cabin in the middle of downtown DC (kidding!).

      1. Ask a Manager Post author

        I secretly want everyone to tell me that it’s okay to move somewhere just to get the kind of house we want, so this is good.

        My big worry is work: Right now it would be fine since I work from home. But if at some point in the future my career explodes and I need a real job again, I’d want to be back in the DC area. So it feels like a gamble, and I’m worried about coming to regret it in that situation.

        1. Not So NewReader

          Ah-the worry is not the house. Some locales are more strategic than others. For example, a place near a resort area or college would have more going on, than say where I live that has one gas station. (Not kidding.)

          A chalet with the square logs just needs a few trees around it to complete the look. This means you don’t need a 100 acre parcel with your nearest neighbor being a half mile away. If you found an area with 2-5 acre parcels this house would probably fit in and you would probably be near a populated area.

          I think you and the hubby need to go out for some joy rides to look at towns around you. You see a town you like, stop and buy a local newspaper, find out what is going on in town.
          My boss lived in a Big City. She picked her town here because of it’s architecture and the activities going on in the community. Her town is next to a well-known resort/college town. She is not living in the thick of tourist season but she gets to enjoy the activities/opportunities that come with the tourist season and being near a college community. (Now her friends want to move here! She’s thrilled.)

        2. fposte

          Oh, I vote for “do it” then. You’ve got a lower potential regret percentage there–there’s the possibility you won’t need to be back in DC, the possibility you could commute, and the possibility that you’ll be sad about moving but have thoroughly enjoyed your log time, whereas the other way you just look back and wish you’d done it. ‘Tis better to have had a log chalet and sold it later than never to have had a log chalet at all.

          (My absolute worst mispunctuating of “’tis” sighting this year: Tis’ the season to be [slogan]. Really?)

        3. VintageLydia USA

          Have you considered somewhere in the Piedmont? Parts of Loudoun or Fauquier County are pretty hilly, woodsy, and rural and not all of it is expensive, especially if you go the route of buying a smaller parcel and later building your chalet. You can still be pretty close to the city and public transportation (VRE for Fauquier and eventually silver line in Loudoun.) Won’t be as convenient as inside the Beltway, but not as bad as Appalachian VA and WV as far as commute (which I agree is GORGEOUS. I have a friend from the Shenandoah and she thinks it’s hilarious that I want to retire there but I grew up in a beach resort city and the mountains are a refreshing change.)

            1. skyrat

              When I was buying, I found Loudoun super high-priced (2 years ago). I am across the border in Clarke, which was much much more affordable, but money was a big factor for me. BUt its all a trade off. But I didn’t care about mass-transit, and don’t mind driving.

        4. skyrat

          So.. I work in Arlington and live about 60 miles west, where you could easily get land and build, and I know there are some homes of this type. My friend sold hers (log chalet type) just north of Frederick last year!
          So you can find them much closer than WV. And this is the sort of distance that you could commute if you had to do it (I don’t mind it, but I also don’t do 9 to 5). So if you have time to find the right home on the market or are willing to build, there might be possibilities.
          But – I live 60 miles to the west because I could afford a lot more land, which is important to me. What’s on your must have list (high speed internet is not an option at my home, which would be a deal breaker for you I am pretty sure:). I think it’s fine to say I want this style of home – if it’s important it’s important. I wanted land and no close neighbors, and so happy with prioritizing that.

        1. fposte

          Yeah, hands off the mid-century! I love my mid-century Midwestern brick Cape Cod. Suck it, Provincetown :-).

    4. BRR

      Are there any in the extreme outskirts of DC? It might just take extreme searching. My boss lives in one and we’re in a pretty developed area. I like searching for houses for fun and I’ve never seen another in the area. So in my area it exists but there’s just not many.

    5. periwinkle

      What if you remodeled a suitable house (on a heavily-wooded lot) to give it that rustic woodsy atmosphere? You wouldn’t necessarily have to buy in the distant ‘burbs; until this year, I lived in Silver Spring and recall seeing lots of homes with suitable lots (especially if you go up New Hampshire Avenue or Georgia Avenue into Wheaton – tons of trees yet convenient to Glenmont Metro).

      I’m thinking a split-level of the type you see all over the DC area (see homekulo.info/timeless-split-level-home) – take advantage of the peaked roofline and change the siding, windows, and trim to give it that chalet-like look. Remodel the interior accordingly, and take advantage of that wooded lot to create some rustic outdoor space (rock walls, fire pit, cedar gazebo for the hot tub).

      1. Ask a Manager Post author

        Interesting, I’d never considered that. I feel like there should be a “log home lifestyle consultant” who would make suggestions like this and basically just tell me what to do.

        1. Deedee

          We did this! But it was a cabin. A little rustic cabin that had been built originally in the 1940s and we bought it for $3000. We dismantled it and trucked it to our 20 acre lot and put it back together like Lincoln Logs on top of a basement. We still own it but had to move about 250 miles away for jobs six years ago. We now use it as a weekend getaway a few times a year but actually intend to move back when we retire. Sorry nowhere near the east coast so no help with locations for you near DC area.

  38. Anon for this

    I’ll start with a tl:dr. Can I skip my husband’s grandfather’s funeral?

    So my husband’s grandfather is very sick and will likely pass away soon. I met my husband about 4 years ago and we got married a couple of months ago. When we met all 4 of his grandparents were alive. His grandmother passed away in February. Points of information:

    -His grandfather wasn’t particularly loved by anybody due to his own personality. I don’t think anybody will shed a tear and if anything people will be drinking bottles of champagne at his funeral.
    -I worry about having to take bereavement leave at work again so soon not to mention there are still two other grandparents on his side plus my own elderly relatives. My manager is ultra supportive and it’s not like I can help it that people are dying but I worry I’ll have a stigma of needing to take bereavement leave so much (I get three days per death and it’s unlimited).
    -It’s a schlep to get out there. It’s a ten hour drive each way without traffic and we cannot afford to fly. We have small cars and I’m very tall so doing the drive there and then coming back a couple of days later is really hard for me.

    Am I justified in trying to get out of it and if yes is there a good way to go about it? A more legitimate reason will be it’s been super busy at work but it has quieted down some. It might flare up again but I don’t want to lie about it.

    1. Ask a Manager Post author

      I think the most relevant thing here is how your husband feels. Is it important to him that you go? If he were very upset and wanted you there for support, I’d say go — but it doesn’t sound like that that’s the case. If he’s fine with you staying home, I think it’s totally reasonable to stay home (and send bereavement stuff to the house).

      1. Anon for this

        I’m not sure how he feels (I think he just expects me to go as the default) and I’m concerned about broaching the subject because bringing it up implies I don’t want to go. For me it’s more objective since it’s not my family, I don’t think I spoke more than 10 seconds to the man, and as I said above he’s not particularly popular.

    2. Jerry Vandesic

      Just remember that funerals are for the living, not the dead. If you attend, it should be because you want to support your husband (and possibly other members of his family). Even if you never knew the deceased, you might want to attend simply because you care for and want to be there for your husband, who did know and care for his grandfather.

      1. Anon for this

        That’s a very good point. Another thought is why is my husband so upset for a man he never particularly cared for when he was alive.

        1. fposte

          There could be a lot of reasons for that you might find illuminating–maybe that’s something you could talk about, too. Loss doesn’t always hit us straight on.

        2. B

          Because now his grandfather will never cone through for him.
          My husband’s father is a horrible person but i anticipate that he’ll be devastated when he dies, because he will never have that last-minute minute of revelation.
          It may be something else, YMMV obviously, but that’s what i suspect.

        3. Not So NewReader

          He lost him twice. Once in life and now in his passing. With this second loss there is a hopelessness that the relationship can never be healed now. Perhaps he is not grieving the man’s death but grieving that the relationship can never be fixed.

          Not that you can change any of this, but his family might be able to help him reweave somewhat. The idea is to put him next to people who do understand all the ins and outs and let those people do their thing to help him.

          That, and if you go, he owes you one. Just my opinion, though.

        4. TL -

          I don’t think it matters why your husband is upset or if you think he gets to be upset over this person dying – I think if he is upset and expecting you to be there, you should probably go. That’s generally considered one of the perks of spouses.
          (It’s fine not to understand why he’s upset, of course, but the support thing is needed nonetheless.)

    3. Elkay

      I agree with everyone else, take the lead from your husband. If you do go just view it as going to support your husband and also for family harmony (will there be any tutting/friction if you don’t go).

    4. Observer

      Stigma for needing to take off for funerals? Really? Either you work in a really toxic environment or you really, really need to take a deep breath and stop looking for monsters under the bed.

      As for the rest, as the others have said, talk to your husband about it. Better now than when it actually happens, when he’s probably not going to be all that easy to talk to. Skip the part about how he’s so unpopular and you didn’t really know him. Stick to the only really relevant question, which is how your husband feels and what he’s going to need from you. And, yes, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask him, for information, why the devastation considering they are not so close. You might get some insight – or it might be a liberating question for him.

    5. Sabrina

      I’m in a similar position. My husband has already said he doesn’t expect me to go. And if he goes, it would only be to support his mom and aunts.

    6. Ann Furthermore

      I would say take the lead from your husband, but also, if he’s the tough-guy type who says he’ll be fine on his own, when that really may not be the case, then overrule him and go with him.

      Now, I know this is not the same thing at all, but last year we had to put our bulldog to sleep. My husband said he would take him to the vet, and I asked him if he wanted me to come with him. He said no, he’d be fine on his own. He of course *wasn’t* fine on his own, and it was much harder on my hubby than he’d expected it to be. So I’ve always felt bad that I did not say, “Screw that stoic crap, I’m coming with you,” just so I could have been there with him and held his hand.

    7. Lori C

      Please talk with your husband. Does he even want to go to the funeral? Will he be expected to go to the funeral? Will he be fine deciding not to go if expected to go? If my husband wanted to go, I would go with him even if he said it was OK for me not to attend. Think about if you will want him to go with you when your grandparents/parents pass. Won’t you want to him to go with you? Grandparents no, parents yes? Yes for both? Talk with your husband. Talk again when this grandfather passes. He might change his mind.

      Call the airlines and ask if they offer bereavement fares. Then ask about the regular fares and look online to be sure you get the best price. Or check into renting a larger car with plenty of leg room. Or drive half way, stay over night and drive the rest.

  39. AcademicAnon

    Best/worst thing right now is that since it’s near the end of the year, we’re running out of time to have funerals, and SO’s grandparent who we thought we’d bury soon after the other grandparent died, is still doing ok. So far between us, 8 funerals in 8 months, as there was another a few weeks ago. We didn’t go to all the funerals, but it’s still been very mentally draining.

    1. Not So NewReader

      Please do something to restore/recharge yourselves. That can be anything- vacation, reiki, exercise, mediation- does not matter. That is an awesome drain you are talking about here. Please invest in yourselves. How about his and hers massages for the holidays?

  40. CollegeAdmin

    I’m considering highlighting my hair for the first time, but I’m terrified it will come out stripey. Any tips on what to ask for to make sure this doesn’t happen?

    1. Sunflower

      As a person who always highlights their hair and hates stripey highlights, Bring pictures!!!!! I always bring a picture. That way you two are both on the same page of what natural looks like.

      Also, do your research. Highlights are not like haircuts and I wouldn’t chance mine on a well-priced deal. For me, it’s worth it to spend the money. Not sure where you are but I go to a highly respected salon outside of Philly and I think highlights are $85. I also only get my hair done twice a year so for me it’s worth it. Especially since it’s your first time, make sure you go somewhere with a good reputation that has good reviews. At least then even if you don’t like it, they will fix it free of charge and usually an owner or more senior person will assist to make sure you’re happy. I would ask friends or coworkers to find a trusted salon. About half of my friends get their hair highlighted or dyed so if you know someone who’s hair coloring looks natural and professional, ask where they got it done.

      1. RandomName

        Yes! I second bringing a picture! I got side swept bangs twice in my life and the first time I brought a picture because it was back when Jennifer Anniston was on friends and just came out with that look so I didn’t even know the name for the hairstyle. I got good results. The second time was a few years later, and at that time I knew they were called side swept bangs so I didn’t bring a picture. The hairdresser asked if I had a picture but I didn’t. I thought it was just something all hairdressers would know how to do at that point since the style had been around but I did not get good results.

        I think what’s stripey to one hairdresser may not be for another. Google “natural looking highlights” and that should help you get some good examples to show a hairdresser.

    2. badger_doc

      I did this a few years ago. I’m a redhead and was super worried i’d have bleach blonde stripes down my hair. I asked my stylist if there was an in-between we could do because it was my first time and if i didn’t like it, i didn’t want to have to keep up with it with roots showing. She gave me highlights under my first layer of hair. I’ll explain: I part my hair in the middle so she took up the first chunk and pinned it up. Then she highlighted around that with a nice chestnutty blonde so that when the first chunk was lowered, i did not have any highlights from the part line–thus no roots to touch up. They looked fantastic! I could let them grow out and the highlights peeked out from the rest of the hair. I wish i had a picture… So if you’re nervous, try something like that first and see if you like it. If you don’t, much easier to hide/grow out without looking stripey and with roots sticking out.

  41. JMW

    Went to the dentist last Monday for a cleaning, woke up Tuesday with TMD. It shows no signs of improving, and research suggests this is a “learn to live with it, it may settle itself down after a while” sort of thing. I was wondering if any of you have this and what tips you might have. The pain is manageable, so I am most concerned with ways to improve the condition and ways to not make it worse.

      1. Persephone Mulberry

        Seconded, I have mine treated by my chiropractor every so often. . If it came out of the blue and isn’t a chronic condition, hotpacks can also help relax the muscles and allow the joint to re-seat itself correctly.

    1. louise

      Take ibuprofen about an hour before a dental appointment in the future. Inflammation will be less likely to flare up with that already in your system.

  42. BRR

    Making caramels at home. I tried yesterday and they came out too hard. I know they overcooked so I can fix that next time. But question, when I poured the hot caramel into the pan there were cloudy parts, anybody know why this happened? Also once it reaches a boil do you continue to stir it, I’ve found different recipes give different advice.

    1. Stephanie

      Hmmm, are you cooking the sugar to a hot enough temperature? Or maybe not all the sugar caramelized? I do not stir or scrape my caramel, unless I’m adding something like baking soda or vanilla (and that’s right when I’m about to dump it out the pan for cooling/shaping/whatever). I hear using corn syrup sometimes helps with the cloudiness.

      1. BRR

        It definitely got hot enough (it actually got too hot, I ended up with a sugary brick). I’m just going to try again today and see what happens. Even if it looks a little odd it should taste delicious.

    2. Stephanie

      My first comment got caught in moderation, but I thought of another thing. I usually stir caramel as little as possible (partially because I’m afraid of molten sugar splashing up).

    1. Elkay

      Best: Finished work for Christmas so I have two weeks off
      Worst: Everything broke on Tuesday, me, kitchen appliances and one of the cars.

    2. VintageLydia USA

      Best AND Worst: Yesterday we thought we discovered a major foundation issue in our home that would mean tearing down and rebuilding our entire finished basement–a very large space at nearly ~2K SqFt (worst.) Further investigating proved it was localized to a small and very manageable area we can do ourselves (best.)

      Also hubby finally got the official offer for a new, better, much higher paying job, but that’s more his best than mine. My week was fairly quiet/uneventful.

    3. Alistair

      Best: Finding out that under my new health insurance, two of my prescriptions cost less than $5 per month, together.

      Worst: Finding out at the same time that the third medication now costs $60 per month. And it’s a generic!

      Now that I have a big financial incentive, I might just be able to kick my own butt into gear and get back to the gym.

    4. The Other Dawn

      Best: Finally getting power on in the upstairs bathroom (very old house).
      Worst: Realizing that the only way to relieve my stress right now is to evict the tenant in my old house. And we’re not likely to get the rent, which means I can’t pay that mortgage this month. It’s already past due three weeks. This sucks.

    5. Jen RO

      Best: I am on holiday for 2 weeks!!
      Worst: Just a tiring week in general, especially that one report my boss is obsessed about, but is made up of completely irrelevant numbers, because the process itself simply does not work.

    6. Elizabeth West

      Worst: damn holidays are messing up my exercise regimen. Dammit!

      Best: I skated a nearly clean program in the ice show last night. Well, I messed up my final jump combo and spin, but not badly enough to really be all that noticeable. The rest of the program went spectacularly well. Yay me! In fact, yay everyone, because we all did really phenomenal!!

    7. Katie the Fed

      Worst: I’m sick….again. I was sick and then better and woke up again today sick. WTF!

      Best – we got the wedding pictures back and they’re really nice :) Professionally done hair, makeup and a photographer who knows what she’s doing = priceless.

    8. periwinkle

      Worst: Our lease is up at the end of January and we just got the renewal letter. If we take a 13-month lease, our rent goes down a tiny bit. I would rather work for one of the WTF bosses we read about on AAM rather than stay here another year. We had planned to go month-to-month, with the intent of buying a place in early spring. When I had chatted with the assistant manager this summer, she said that the m-t-m premium was about $150 extra a month. No problem. But we have new ownership, and they’ve decided that our m-t-m rate will be about $1000/month more than our current rate. Oh hell no.

      Best: Taking that bit of highway robbery into consideration, we’ve decided to take a 5-month lease (still about $500/month extra) and keep pouring money into our “down payment, closing costs, and F*** This Horrible Apartment Complex” fund. Instead of looking at 2-bedroom condos and townhouses, we’re going to go for the needs-cosmetic-updates 3-bedroom house option. If we time it right, we’ll be able to get some of the cosmetic changes (banishing any carpet and vinyl in favor of bamboo and tile) done before moving in, too.

    9. Trixie

      Best, teaching a few yoga classes (first time ever) and had really good feedback, thanks in part to suggestions I rec’d here. Extra $ from subbing classes helpful as well as another regular class on my schedule. Even better, whatever back spasms I had last month went away with some rest and time away from the mat.

      Worst, I try to keep the heat off whenever possible and just don’t’ have enough layers to keep warm in the house.

    10. Gene

      Best, had our state inspection at work and, though we still have to finish up on Tuesday, the lingering problems are fixed.

      Worst, wife’s depression/anxiety is in full bloom.

      1. Masters Degree Searcher

        Worst: A company revoked my job offer because I tried to negotiate pay (whilst female). Also, I lost a mall gift card and its likely someone took it at the mall–only $7 left on it though lol from the total $50

        Best: My boyfriend gave me Shakespearean love sonnets and his mom (who is strict re: girls and sometimes doesn’t like people a lot) apparently took a liking to me and gave me a singing stuffed puppy :) And I haven’t been rejected from the govt job I badly want…yet. Made it to round 2 so far!

    11. Relosa

      Best: I MOVED TO CALIFORNIA FINALLLYYYYY
      Worst: No job (anticipated), no car (duh), and no money (got ripped off the day before I left) and my dog is still stuck at home for another week – I miss him.

      But it’s gonna be 73 todaaayyy the first day of winterrr HA HAAAA :D

  43. Persephone Mulberry

    I have to finish my take-home final for my marketing class this afternoon. It was originally due on Wednesday…I’m kind of wishing the prof hadn’t enabled my (and certainly others’) procrastination tendencies by extending the deadline to today.

  44. periwinkle

    Help.

    So, a few months ago we added a 4th cat, a 8-month old neutered male, to replace the one who passed on earlier this year. Not great timing because the three remaining cats had not yet sorted out the new pecking order (the one who died was the long-time alpha), but this boy badly needed to be re-homed. He’s a handful. Very active, very vocal, and like many adolescent males, kind of a jerk at times. We adore him anyway, of course.

    Except… our apartment has an open concept living room/kitchen with an island. Idiot Cat keeps jumping on the counter. We have a flat-top electric stove and I’m terrified that he’ll jump on it while it’s still blazing hot (it takes a while to cool down). We also can’t keep any open food on the counter because of him, and he’ll sometimes grab things off the counter (he’s a thief) and trot away with them – anything in a Ziplock bag is fair game but he has also trotted off with wooden spoons and spinach leaves. He knows perfectly well he is not allowed up there, and if I stand up and take one step in his direction he will immediately jump down and trot away. And then he’ll get right back up there.

    Solutions tried: “Get him his own elevated space!” He is allowed on the kitchen island. In fact, that’s where he gets fed (otherwise he will immediately try to eat everyone else’s food – did I mention that he’s a jerk?). There are a variety of other perches of varying heights, and he makes use of them. And then jumps back on the counter. “Double-sided sticky tape!” Nope, didn’t work. I kept forgetting about it and getting stuck, though. “Water pistol or loud noises when he jumps up!” Nope. Also, the kitchen floor is crappy laminate and I’d have to immediately mop up any water. He likes noise. “Aluminum foil on the countertop!” Nope. He likes the feel and noise of it. He also discovered that it’s really fun to grab some foil in your teeth, rip off a big piece, and trot away with it.

    Other than shelling out the big bucks for Scat Mats, are there other things we could try? We are currently house shopping and I had already decided to upgrade to an induction stovetop in the new place, but in the meantime I’m trying to avoid emergency vet visits for burned paws. (he did step on a very hot baking pan once, but no harm done and he was right back on the counter a 1/2 hour later so he didn’t learn anything from it)

    1. Not So NewReader

      I am thinking some type of fencing – like what you get at garden centers to put around the stove top. I mean the little green wire fences that fold up. They also come in black or white. Maybe you could put something like around the edge of the stove top?

      1. Elkay

        Along a similar line maybe try one those umbrella nets you get to put over food in the summer to go over the stove top.

        I have no suggestions on how to make him stop, I have a cat who jumps on the table to chase shadows so I know how frustrating it is.

        1. fposte

          I think the problem is that it’s incredibly satisfying and rewarding behavior for a cat, so it’s tough to make it undesirable.

          1. periwinkle

            And I think that’s the issue. He loves attention, and doesn’t care if it’s positive or negative. I can try ignoring him when he jumps up, but he might just decide that this means it’s okay that he nap next to the espresso machine which also gets very hot. I cannot ignore him if he decides to jump up while something is actually simmering on the stovetop like, oh, last night…

            The fencing idea sounds workable. It will have to be something he can’t get a grip on, though, or he will climb up and hang off of it. “Look at me!”

    2. jamlady

      I have had many cats in my lifetime and we have very strict rules regarding their behavior in my house. They are not allowed on anything but our bed, the guest bed (if made – no mattress), the couch, and their trees. I have trained cats with several different methods and every one was an excellent rule-follower: except one. Batman, the rascal cat, who wasn’t afraid of anything and was the most athletic and stealthy thing you’ll ever see. I could go on for days about his behavior and all we did to try and fix it, but I’ll just cut to the chase: he ended up being the only outside cat I’ve ever had. His behavior inside the house completely changed once we finally let him go outside. I don’t know if you’re open to it, but some cats are not meant to be indoors.

      Just FYI, once this cat hit 1 year old he got very mean in addition to being a butthead who doesn’t listen. He would purposefully get close to the stove fires and he even peed on a tray of Rice Krispie squares fresh out of the oven, trekking his newly burnt feet and marshmallow goo across the carpet and then jumping on the tv. Hopefully your cat is just stubborn and not a menace, but just in case… Lol

    3. Lori C

      Can you get him to play hard? Tire him out. It might help. Sounds like you have tried everything I have heard to keep him off of the counters. Maybe you could feed him in another room or on the cat tree instead of the island? He probably thinks if the island is OK, the counters are OK. Plus he is going through his jerk phase. At least we hope it is a phase…also talk to your vet to see if they have any other ideas. Good luck!

    4. Sparrow

      In case you’re still checking responses – we use this thing called Stay Away to keep our cats out of certain areas. It’s a canister of compressed air with a sensor on the nozzle. If the cat trips the sensor it emits a loud beep and a stream of air. It doesn’t hurt them, but certainly scares them away. You can set it to sound only or sound+air.

      In our old house, the litter boxes were in one area of the basement, but in another section my husband and his bandmates had their music equipment. We didn’t want the cats going in that area, so we positioned a couple of cans to the entrance to that section. We heard the cats set it off a couple of times, but they learned their lesson.

      Maybe you could position one or two cans around the surrounding area to keep him away. Good luck!

    5. Snowball II

      My mom used orange and lemon peels to keep her Idiot Cat off the dining room table. He completely hates the citrus smell.

    6. HR Manager

      I sympathize. Our first cat magically understood that tabletops and countertops were off-limits and he had zero desire to break that rule. He was a dream cat! The closest he got was a habit of jumping onto a dining room chair, and patiently wait for food to passed to him in secret (we loved his joining us at the dinner table, btw). Fast forward 3 cats later, and my two boys (whom I thought I could mold even more successfully as they were the youngest of the cats we’ve adopted) act like they have no idea what I’m talking about. You know the Farside cartoon where Gary Larson draws and owner talking to a cat, and the cat’s thought bubble is all nonsense – no intelligible words? That’s them. Every no, get off, lift them off means they just get right back on. I particularly love the blank stare and indignation at me when I lift them off for the 10x in a row.

      I’ve just resigned myself to wiping off the counter and table tops alot. Much less aggravation this way. I don’t think you have to worry about the stove – cats are amazing fleet of foot and can avoid danger. If you are really worried, I’m thinking of those stove covers where you can cover your burners to prevent accidents.

  45. EvilQueenRegina

    Christmas horror stories, not related to gifts?

    I’ll start. Christmas 2008, my grandad’s Sky TV box broke down two days before Christmas and Sky said they couldn’t fix it until December 28th. My uncle tried to fix it himself, but he only made it worse.

    Mum had been thinking of buying a new TV for a while and saw this as an opportunity to buy one and take it to Grandad’s, and also packed an old portable one. The problem was, as she panic bought the new TV in the last minutes before the stores closed, she didn’t think to check whether it came with a portable aerial. This wouldn’t have mattered if Grandad’s aerial had been working, but it hadn’t worked for months because it had blown down in a storm and as Grandad had Sky TV by that time he never bothered replacing the terrestrial aerial. Mum had either forgotten this or not known in the first place. So we got there, after a 3.5 hour drive, unloaded the car and my uncle asked if it had an aerial. A combination of feeling embarrassed at not having considered this and being tired after the long journey meant Mum got angrier than it warranted and snapped “I don’t know if it’s got a ****** aerial or not!” So my uncle then got angry back – “I’m not being spoken to like that! She can sort out her own ****** telly!” and then they didn’t speak for the entire break. By Boxing Day, Grandad had banned all mention of the word television. That became known as the TV Wars.

    Sky did eventually come out and replace the box, but the replacement was no good itself – if it was left on the same channel for longer than half an hour it froze and had to be unplugged and sworn at before we could do anything with it. Sky were out again with another replacement the next week.

    Then, of course, there was the year we didn’t get presents until 7.30pm as Mum and Grandad had too much to drink and spent two hours locked in the bathroom…

    1. Katie the Fed

      “It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.”

      Oh wait no. That wasn’t my story – that was from Gremlins. Such a Christmas classic, that. :)

      1. Katie the Fed

        I did love your story. And I had to look up what an “aerial” was as it relates to televisions. :)

    2. salad fingers

      Well, this was Thanksgiving 2014 and it probably doesn’t rise to the level of “horror stories”, but during a game of Catch Phrase, my super Catholic, super modest and super well-read Grandpa had the displeasure of drawing the word “codpiece”. I didn’t know what it was (what is loin cloth? assless chaps? merkin?) but surprisingly most of my family did. I only mention that he’s well-read because if I had pulled it, I would have spared everyone the visuals by individually explaining “cod” and “peice”, but he knew the word and went right for it.

      Year before he got breasts and we thought that was uncomfortable…

    3. Elizabeth West

      Oh my goodness, hahaha, I feel mean for laughing, but that’s actually quite funny. Especially “unplugged and sworn at.” Yes, you have to include the swearing, or it won’t work.

    4. fposte

      A great place to read these is Carolyn Hax’s Hootenanny of Holiday Horrors at the Washington Post–people write in with amazing holiday disasters.

    5. Cath in Canada

      Came down with norovirus at 11pm on Christmas Eve; spent all of Christmas Day shivering and puking while my Dad whined “but why can’t she come and sit at the table and just have a little bit of turkey with us?”

  46. Melly

    Is anyone bothered by being bombarded by Beachbody “coaches”? Several women in my social network are doing this and it is just constant. Maybe it bugs me because I’m probably one of their target markets (relatively new mom, sure, could stand to lose a few pounds), but I find their marketing insidious. The before and after pics are the worst because most of them looked normal before, and now they are super fit/jacked, and I think they have the potential to be doing damage to people who are sensitive about body image. I don’t know, am I the only one who is bothered by this?

    1. nep

      What precisely are they doing that’s bothersome? Posting the befores/afters everywhere and pitching their services? Saying things to you?

    2. Sunflower

      I’m pretty positive this company is the same one that sells P90x and insanity and is an MLM so I would ignore it, unfollow people. Realize it’s not them trying to make you feel bad, it’s them trying to sell you things. I actually feel bad for these people as it seems like they go into these things thinking they’ll make boatloads of money and, of course, a year later they’re struggling. Plus the classes are insanely expensive- I’ve heard $30 a class. You can join a gym and get unlimited workouts for a month at some places for that price. If you really want to get in shape, I’d recommend buing the DVD’s off ebay or hitting the regular gym and unfollowing or defriending these people. They are just salesmen!!!!!

    3. WednesdaysMisfit

      I did it a few years ago. Along with tracking my calorie intake, I actually did lose about 10 lbs in 2 months. I bought the DVD set and it was very expensive (over $100) but I wasn’t a member of a gym at a time. The coaches are super intense and we had to post a photo of what we ate every day. It did help to keep you accountable, but it was kind of annoying/invasive IMO. My coach tried to sell me on Shakeology, but I never bought any. I only realized recently that it’s a MLM, which turns me off even more.

  47. The Other Dawn

    It’s just a few days until Christmas and I find myself in the position of having to evict my tenant.

    We bought a house during the summer and decided to rent the old house to friends. Big mistake. They’ve been late every month on rent. This month and last month by three weeks, at least. Also, they haven’t yet paid the oil bill so they’re on a “stop delivery” and we’re stuck with the bill. We don’t have the money to cover both mortgages by ourselves, so the mortgage on the old house is going unpaid until we get the rent. This is awful and so incredibly stressful. I got the information from the state about how to evict and I think it’s time. Can’t take this anymore. I just want them out. They we can rent to someone else through a real estate agent. I wish I could sell, but we’d never get enough to cover the first and second mortgages.

    Anyone have some landlording experience they’d like to share?

    1. jamlady

      My parents own a mountain house they regularly rent out. They’ve had their share of horrendous renters along with the good, but they were always pretty understanding (my dad grew up homeless for half of his life so he’s always been a little bit of a pushover when it comes to money). However, they ended up getting a real estate agent to handle everything because, like you, bad renters were putting them in bad financial positions once they hit retirement and the stress was hugely problematic. I don’t blame you for wanting to evict them. Especially considering these people are supposed to be your friends – they seem to have very little respect for you and your property. It’s unreal to me that you’ve been so kind and they’ve continued to take advantage of that. Do what you need to do to get your finances in order. I know it sucks to lose friends, but they sound like crappy friends anyway.

    2. Treena Kravm

      No landlording experience, but a life-long renter, both as a child and an adult. I’ve moved about 15 times so far. I was talking with my boss about how my husband and I always have such great luck in getting the properties we want. (We make plenty of money for the rent and have good credit scores, we’re just paranoid) She scoffed and said 80+% of people who rent have shitty credit scores and they’re almost always late on rent. She was a landlady for a long time and didn’t even bother with credit scores because everyone’s is bad. So all that to tell you it won’t be magically different with strangers through a realtor. Good renters will eventually turn into homeowners. (We’re nomads and are going to be renting for another 10+ years or so until we settle down)

      Without any details, it’s likely that they’re taking advantage of you because you’re friends. It may seem so difficult to have to have these conversations, but an eviction will definitely be worse. What have you said to them in the past? Have you been enforcing the late fees in your lease? Why are you responsible for their oil bill? I suspect you might have a too-casual agreement and evicting will be more difficult because of that. Have told them that if you don’t receive the rent by the X of the month (5 days late), you’re going to be forced to start eviction procedures?

        1. Treena Kravm

          Then yup, you’re at the eviction stage. When is their lease up? I would do as much as possible (and ask the lawyer about this too) to figure out how much eviction will cost, vs. just letting them ride out their lease and then telling them they have to go. In CA, the laws favor very heavily towards the tenant, so every single lease we’ve had is always 6-12 months, and then month-to-month, basically so they can “evict” you without any cause. For us it works out beautifully since we’re model tenants and we have so much flexibility whenever we want to move to a new city. In NY, you’re locked in year to year and the fees are outrageous to leave any other time.

    3. Katie the Fed

      Depending on where you are, it’s going to take a fair amount of time and possible expense to evict them. You need to review the laws as soon as possible. Have you told them, in writing, that if they don’t get the rent to you within XX days they’ll be evicted? You need to start that process now.

      I’m a sympathetic person, to a point, but with tenants if you give an inch they’ll often take a mile.

      1. The Other Dawn

        I emailed a lawyer today and will likely get a call tomorrow. I don’t need a lawyer to have the papers served but I want to consult with one anyway. I have a gut feeling we will be forced to jump through hoops to get them out. I’ve told them via Facebook message that I want the money tomorrow and if I don’t get it well start eviction. But I’ll talk to the lawyer to find out exactly what to do.

        1. Lori C

          I am glad you are going to talk to a lawyer. I understand you have to exactly follow the laws to get these dead beats out of your home. And be ready to find everything thing that is not nailed down gone. I am so sorry you are going through this.

  48. Treena Kravm

    If anyone is looking for a new Christmas-y thing to watch, I can’t recommend A Moody Christmas enough. It’s on Hulu, might be available to Hulu+ people only, but it’s absolutely hilarious. I’m probably going to rewatch it today/this week. It’s 6 episodes, over 6 years of Christmases with the Moody family in Sydney. Dysfunction at its absolute best.

  49. Anonyby

    Anyone come from a family where Christmas was a Big Deal (and enjoyed it), but then had it peter out later on? I just need to feel like I’m not alone in this.

    My grandma LOVED Christmas. Went all-out decorating. We’d have Christmas Eve dinner with extended family (my grandfather’s siblings, all of the cousins down the line). Then Christmas day we’d head over to my grandparents for our special Christmas breakfast (a much-loved treat, as it was the only day we’d get that particular food), presents, and then an early Christmas dinner.

    Then the holiday started to fall apart after my grandma passed away a few years ago. We didn’t do the breakfast or present exchange anymore, and one of my cousins pretty much stopped being there… And then this year both dinners were cancelled, though for different reasons.

    These last few years I’ve really felt like that “Where Are You, Christmas?” song was my personal theme song, this year more than ever. If I had the space/financials to host one of them instead, I totally would. As it is, I have tentative plans to see my brother, his fiancee, and their girls on Christmas Eve… But nothing’s been decided on .

    The only holiday I’ve had a successful transition on has been Easter, and that’s only because there was a timely changeover. About the same time my family stopped celebrating, my friends moved into a new place and started hosting a get-together there.

    1. Treena Kravm

      I think it’s cyclical. My Mom’s family has 8 siblings, and 20+ cousins. When they were little it was cute to get everyone together. Then when the older cousins started getting married, their holiday time went from 2 families (Mom’s and Dad’s) to 4 (with in-laws). So people started doing their own family’s Christmas, which was easier, logistically. Now as these families grow and get larger, they have their own 20+ person holiday gatherings.

      It was more obvious to me because my Mom has 3 out of the 4 youngest cousins, so we were still really young when this was happening. Thanksgivings were just us and Christmas at my Dad’s family for about 8 years. Now we’re all partnered, so there’s 8 of us, and when my siblings start cranking out kids, it’ll become our own big holiday extravaganza.

      For you, one of the Mom’s will (probably) step up and take over the role of Grandma when it comes to organizing and hosting these functions. There will be a little fluctuation as everything works itself out, but don’t worry, it’ll come around once again.

      1. Anonyby

        Part of the problem is that this branch is tiny, and we’ve lost the people that were acting as the ‘glu’. While my grandparents had a bunch of siblings… they only had two kids, my mom and uncle. My aunt was the one who took over organizing the Christmas day stuff, but my cousin is going through some medical stuff and they’re focused on that this year and can’t do Christmas… plus they were never as into Christmas (my uncle is the family ‘grinch’, and my aunt always preferred small holidays without gifts). And on the other side… it’s only my dad that’s in the area, and I have to see him daily anyways and we aren’t close. I’m single with no kids, so it’s rather lonely when the stuff with extended family falls through.

        1. Lori C

          Please reach out to your friends. Be careful not to invite yourself, but there is nothing wrong with asking what their plans are for Christmas. Perhaps once your friends realize you are not getting together with family, they will invite you to join them. Or could you invite your friends over to your place? Appetizers, movies, games would be fun. If your friends all have plans, fix yourself your favorite meal and watch your favorite movies or TV shows. Start that book you have been wanting to read. Give yourself a self spa day. Facial, manicure, pedicure. Get out any decorations you have. Could you buy some poinsettias, a small tree? A new pair of Christmas pajamas? Think outside the box and pamper yourself. Go for it!

    2. Steve G

      I’ve seen this some, I think it has a couple of causes (in my circles anyways):

      1) A lot of people in their 30s nowadays don’t own homes and or live in apartments that aren’t big enough to host holidays, and their parents are getting older and don’t have the energy to host days-long shindigs, so the festivities get more limited…
      2) A lot of people postponing having kids….and then you have 30 somethings visiting with their 60something year old parents, both saying to eachother “I don’t know what to get you for Christmas!”……and I’m of the opinion that holiday gift giving is 90% about watching kids open presents and watch them be excited about them,
      3) more people nowadays are not religious, and let’s face it, it is a religious holiday, and when you take out church, carols, maybe a church Christmas play, church-ran fundraisers/events throughout Dec, and religious-themed Christmas movies…there isn’t as much of a holiday left, and
      4) the economy, with so many people broke, its not exactly the year where someone is going to surprise you with huge, extravagant presents…

      1. De Minimis

        It’s happening a lot with my family….one key thing is that the matriarch of the family passed away a few years ago, and I think since then we’ve gradually become more dispersed. The “family home” where we used to meet is not really used much for gatherings, and one of the big traditions we used to have [big party on Christmas Eve] I think is going to be scrapped this year for whatever reason–they’re going to have a dinner that weekend.

        Also, the generation before me all lived in the same general area, and my generation of the family has more people who have moved to other states or have moved further away in-state, so I guess it’s more difficult to get everyone together. I’m probably going to end up skipping the extended family gathering for that reason. Already have to drive there for a thing at my parents’ the day before and don’t feel like driving there two days in a row [don’t want to spend the night there either.]

  50. A. D. Kay

    Any of y’all have rotator cuff surgery? The estimated recovery times I’m finding on the Web are all over the map. I know I will have to wear a sling for up to six weeks; it’s activities during the first week that I’m most concerned about.

    *******Really cool (and by cool, I mean kind of gross) injury details below*******

    OK, stop reading now if you’re squicked by injury details. I have a 12mm tear in my supraspinatus, another, smaller tear where the bicep slips under the doohicky bone, and possible a torn labrum as well. When I mess something up, I do it good!

    1. Elizabeth West

      LOL the doohickey bone.
      I don’t know, but I’ll watch this, because I may have to have a similar thing at one point. I have impingement syndrome and physical therapy is NOT working anymore.

      1. A. D. Kay

        I know, it’s so frustrating, isn’t it? It was actually a relief to have an MRI and find out that I will need surgery. Apparently the recovery period for shoulder surgery is a BFD, not really comparable, for example, to knee arthroscopy for fixing a torn meniscus. My shoulder surgeon quizzed me for a while to make sure I was OK with surgery instead of a cortisone injection. At this point, I just want the damn thing fixed!

      2. ExceptionToTheRule

        Impingement is a relatively easy fix. I had surgery on a Thursday and was off work until Monday. Started physical therapy on the same day I went back to work. I think it was about 6 weeks of therapy and only a few days in the sling. I developed the most horrendous thing ever though a few months later though: frozen shoulder.

        Don’t get frozen shoulder. It’s awful.

        1. Elizabeth West

          I don’t want that so do not want!!! That’s why I keep doing the therapy even though the second I stop, the shoulder goes back to its former ouwccchhh.

          My problem with the surgery is I have no one to help me during recovery, and it’s worst on my dominant side. :(

    2. Mimmy

      Must be something in the air…my brother and my dad are scheduled for shoulder surgery in January and February, respectively.

        1. Mimmy

          Thank you Elizabeth! My brother’s surgery is in just a couple of weeks, right after New Years, and his is the bigger surgery.

  51. just laura

    Ugh, my kid might be too sick to fly tomorrow! We were going to see my parents. Where’s the line– 101 fever? I am SO SAD.

    1. Katie the Fed

      Call the airline and explain – sometimes you end up with someone who is really nice and helpful. They might be able to let you delay a day if there are open seats on another flight.

      I had to miss a flight when I had Swine Flu (I really do catch everything) and wrote a note to United and they actually refunded me. They didn’t have to but it was really nice.

    2. Lori C

      According to Web MD you have a fever at 101.3 degrees. Please do not take your sick child on a plane to possibly infect others and plus you could infect everyone at your parents home. You would be OK to take your child out in public 24 to 48 hours after the fever breaks. Of course, call your doctor and see if you can speak to the doctor or a nurse for advice. Call your carrier and ask if they have any leeway for sick children. You might be able to change your flight with additional fees, or you might be out of luck if you have non refundable tickets. I am sorry if you end up not being able to see your parents.

    3. Relosa

      If you paid for insurance on the flight, definitley use that to your advantage, even if it doesn’t specifically cover sick children. But since they are your minors in your care, I thnk the airlines are a bit more lenient.

      Heck, I had my dog scheduled to fly and they said if we couldn’t go because of weather they would rebook both of us 100% free of charge for better weather!

  52. Ruffingit

    Anyone else really tired of the direct sellers? No, I am not interested in Tastefully Simple (seriously, it’s like $11 for a pack of bread mix), Stella & Dot, It Works (random stranger handed me a card for this while I was shopping the other day), and on and on and on. To be honest, most of that stuff is way more expensive to purchase than it’s worth or at least that’s been my experience.

    1. Katie the Fed

      I think I’m very lucky in my circle of friends that nobody is selling this crap, but I have no patience for multi-level marketing schemes, and even less patience for people inviting me to parties where I’m going to be pressured into buying something. Friends don’t pressure friends to buy things. If you need $20, I’d far rather you ask me than try to sell me some chintzy jewelry, freaking nail stickers, etc.

      I also really hate the way these companies prey on stay-at-home moms and military wives.

      Rawr.

      1. danr

        I had a neighbor who used my address for these parties. I kept getting the followup mails. I finally took the obvious Christmas card and put it in an envelope and added a note with the correct address and that I didn’t think much of a person who deliberately used a wrong address. They also used the address for tourist attractions in DC and for pledges in a church in DC. Those had return addresses and when writing back to the priest named on the address didn’t work, I looked up the church, found the head priest and wrote my next letter of complaint to him. The letters stopped.

    2. Steve G

      I’m tired of being asked if I have a store card (Staples, Kohls, Panera, whatever) every time I go to buy something. No, your sales aren’t worth it (except in the case of Kohls), and I don’t buy enough at your store to warrant me keeping your card + the 20 other store cards in my wallet at all times, in case I feel like dropping in to spend $10.

      1. Katie the Fed

        I usually just say that I already have it, even if I don’t. There’s so much money in getting people to sign up for credit cards that salespeople are under a lot of pressure to enroll people.

        1. Stephanie

          Uh, depends. When I worked at Foley’s (now Macy’s), we got a dollar every time we opened a credit card account. On occasion, they would double the bonus and we got two dollars. Sometimes it was a candy bar. There wasn’t much incentive.

          That being said, you would start getting in trouble if you weren’t opening accounts. I was working this as a winter break job, so I had no interest in longevity, but I’d imagine it’d be tough to stay there if you weren’t at least trying to open accounts.

          1. fposte

            I read Katie as saying there’s so much money in it for the store that they push their employees hard to get card signups, not that the employees get money out of it.

          2. Sunflower

            Yup at VS if you didn’t sell credit cards, they would just cut your hours tremendously and hope you quit. Thank god I had another job that summer and I could leave that place after 3 months!!

        2. Sunflower

          Ugh I used to work at victoria secret and they were nuts about credit cards. This was in 2008 and the entire summer i worked there, I don’t think I got anyone to open a card. They didn’t care much about how your sales were though which was rather annoying

      2. Graciosa

        Also discount (aka purchase tracking) cards.

        A salesgirl at B&N once asked me FOUR TIMES if I wanted one in the same transaction. I was polite about it and didn’t lose my temper, and and the end she looked over at me and said, “You know that we have to do that, right?”

        Yeah, I did, but it’s a great way to really annoy your soon-to-be-former customers.

        1. Relosa

          This. Target does this to me – I have Cartwheel and I just moved and I’m int he middle of changing banks and state residencies; but store managers don’t care!

          Yesterday I went to Vons and, bless this man, I feel so sorry for him – my cashier. I’ve only heard of Vons and shopped at it maybe twice in my life. I was walking around town and stopped in to pick up some groceries on my way home. Had to tell him three times I didn’t want their Vons card, and then he offered to help me bag my groceries when he had another three families in line (I had 8 items).

          He genuinely meant well and I feel bad for him so I tried to stay polite, but then I had to get firm. I was hot, tired, and hungry – I didn’t want to be bothered any more.

          Whenever I’ve been in situations like that where I had to upsell, I was always observant of the people I served. I don’t get why stores don’t encourage that. If someone is coming in and they have three kids and they’re exasperated and obviously have their hands full, why would you even bother trying to sell them something? At the most, I would just hand them a brochure with their receipt and invite them to read it when they had a moment. Something like that, I don’t know. The CSRs/cashiers are so pressured into making those numbers that they just take the gamble with every person that walks up to their station. There are definitely businesses I refuse to patronize simply because of their sales pressure.

    3. vvondervvoman

      Ugh, yes. My cousin is actually really successful with one of them. For my bridal shower, I bought a bunch of $10 items from her to use as prizes for the games we played. She tried to hit me up to make a bridal registry with her. I politely said no thanks, because I was registering with a store that would let me return all the gifts I got in LA and re-0rder and ship them to my home in Chicago for free (not at all possible with her business). So she RSVPs yes to the shower, and then doesn’t show up because her kid had dance class or something (WTF). She sends with her sister a bundle of her company’s products (NONE of which I registered for). In her card, she had the audacity to write that she “couldn’t help herself” because her products were so much better than the (top of the line) products I had registered for. Oh and to let her know if it would be easier to ship them to me instead. UM Yea it would have been easier, but what was I supposed to do? Give it back to my cousin and say, yea send this to my house?! Ended up giving it to my sister who also lives in LA. The tackiest thing I’ve ever heard of (and I’ve never used the word tacky in wedding-land)

      1. Relosa

        I had an aunt that would do stuff like this. She would send us crap we didn’t want for the holidays to boost her own sales. Hated it. She was some district lead or something in her company. It’s because she literally would not listen to people. She just did what she wanted. Ughhhhhh

  53. A. D. Kay

    Can I just say, Olive is showing waaaaaay too much interest in the menorah. Our younger cat has the same “wheels-turning-in-the-feline-brain” expression and it typically does NOT end well!

  54. Cruciatus

    A few weeks ago I asked about water softeners…well, we’ve had it and the UV light put in but now, according to my mom, her coffee tastes weak. She is positive she hasn’t changed anything and even put in extra coffee. I can’t agree/disagree as I don’t drink coffee, but I don’t like the taste of our water now (I just drink it plain). It doesn’t taste gross, it just doesn’t taste as smooth or something as before. It’s been a couple of weeks now and I’m still not used to it. Anyone have any explanations for weak tasting coffee? Did the extra calcium and magnesium pump things up that much? Or is the sodium somehow doing something? She did mention that maybe it was just her but she hasn’t noticed weak or different flavors with anything else. Overall I haven’t noticed much of a difference except for not liking the taste of the water.

      1. Cruciatus

        I drink almost all of my water through a Brita pitcher. I just really wonder if I’m tasting the sodium (and that’s something Brita doesn’t filter, according to their box anyway). Everyone says “no, no, you don’t taste it” but…maybe something is wrong? I wasn’t here when it was installed or explained so I don’t really know how to maintain this system at all. I’m sure everything probably *is* correct and it’s kind of horrifying that I prefer the taste of chlorinated, calcium rich water! I can keep drinking it but I hope one day to take a sip and not think anything of it like “nope, still tastes weird” as happens now.

    1. fposte

      I don’t know from coffee, but I do tend to notice water flavor, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the chemical change in your water either affected how it brewed or affected how the taste came across. I bet if you Googled around you’d find coffee fanatics talking about this at length somewhere.

    2. Not So NewReader

      The softer water rinses cleaner- so you are less apt to get residues on your clothes, skin, sinks and showers, etc.
      It could be that the softer water has cleaned your coffee pot also. I know when I first clean my coffee pot, I have to put an extra bit in “for the pot” or my coffee seems weaker if I use my regular amount. Likewise, when the pot gets dirty, my coffee is too strong/harsh.
      In short, it could be that the coffee residue is not sticking to the inside of the pot the way it used to.

    3. Relosa

      may I ask who sold you on UV for softening water?
      Because it’s for sanitizing water. Pool operators use it as a means to sanitize without having to rely so heavily on chlorine or salt (as in, sea salt which breaks down and makes its own chlorine), or even other acids. I would be wary of a completely chlorine/salt-free pool that only uses UV but it’s not uncommon to treat hot tubs with UV as well.

      So chances are the coffee is weak because the water is weak. Tap water has fluoride, chlorine, salt, and other tasty stuff in it. Without compensating the “balance” of it after stripping it with UV, it will taste weird.

      I know swimming water and drinking water aren’t the same, but regulations on swimming water are pretty intense. Get a calcium, alkalinity, and pH reading on your water (don’t use strips).

      I dunno, just seems weird that homeowners would use UV on their water supply.

      1. Cruciatus

        The UV light wasn’t sold to us as the water softener, but it came as a packaged deal. We had a chlorinator but it was on its last legs and the guy recommended a UV light (we do need something, our well water is contaminated, hooray!) Anyway, if we wanted the UV light we pretty much had to get a water softener or else we’d be constantly cleaning off the water crud from the light. I did look into it a bit and UV light to sanitize water isn’t all that unusual for houses–at least not anymore.

  55. Mimmy

    MAC USERS!!

    Has anyone upgraded (or started with) OS X Yosemite? Currently, I have Maverick, but am downloading Yosemite because my iMac occasionally prompts me to get it…I figured, “why not!”. Pros? Cons? I see some wildly divergent reviews on the app store from users.

    1. ExceptionToTheRule

      I upgraded a month or so ago. Not a LOT of difference to me, but my computer will now tell me when my phone is ringing in another room.

    2. fposte

      I upgraded. Also not a lot of difference here, though I am encountering a wake-from-sleep problem that seems to be pretty common (I get the grey screen with progress bar over whatever screen was up when it went to sleep). Since putting the lid down to make the screen sleep seems to wake it up properly, I haven’t messed with any fixes.

    3. Perpetua

      I’m not a huge fan of changes, so I updated it on my Macbook Air but probably won’t do it for a while on the iMac. I prefer the look of Maverick, that is the main reason, but I also don’t see much of a difference between the two, functionality-wise, so I have no special reason to update right now.

      1. Mimmy

        Yeah, I think I like the look of Maverick better myself, but functionally, it’s not very different, thank goodness.

  56. Clerica

    So gross cat story. My cat started shaking her head a lot and scratching her ears more than usual. I looked in them and they were perfectly clean as far down as I could see with a flashlight. So based on some Googling, I put a few drops of olive oil in each ear every night for a few nights. The fourth night she gave me an assache as usual and I almost lost an eye. I was ready to just say screw the second ear; this isn’t working. Then I figured that would be giving in and it’s my duty as a mom not to do that. I went to do the second ear and there was earwax everywhere. I figure she must have had impacted wax and the olive oil softened it up, then when she did one of her spinning headshakes it all came up. I keep finding big chunks of wax. Hard chunks of wax. Gross. The first two days after that big blowout, when she would shake her head I could literally hear rattling.

    Her fur is all oily around her ears. She looks so ridic.

    1. Changing the Subject

      Haha, that is actually really gross but it sounds like it helped her since the wax is coming out now? That’s great. Good for you for sticking with it and taking care of your kitty! :)

      1. Clerica

        I think there might still be some down in there because she flinches when I rub under her ear. I’ll keep doing the oil every night and massaging it afterward and I hope whatever it is will resolve itself.

    2. Katie the Fed

      Ewwwww. There really is nothing we won’t do for our pets. I had to, um, express my dog’s anal glands…once. I felt better that I bought her dinner but our relationship has never been quite the same since.

    3. HR Manager

      Yep, that’s gross. The grossest cat story I had though was when one of my cats was trying to hork up a hairball (after eating, no less) and got spooked so he took off. He zoomed across my living room to the hallway while he was throwing up the entire time! It looked like Linda Blair had a field day on my carpet. It was projectile-vomitting for about a good 10 to 15ft. Even better – the carpeting was beige, and the vomit was a brownish orange color.

  57. fposte

    Part of my tedious recovery journey is finding bits of the internet I hadn’t seen before. Does anybody else read the Dimly Lit Meals for One tumblr? It’s hilariously written in that mournful, witty, it’s-all-crap-really British way, and it’s a great satiric counterweight to Instagramization of food.

  58. nep

    I think there was a discussion fairly recently about buying a used car. I’ve been looking for a couple of months — no luck yet. Have decided I’ve got to come up a bit with my budget. It will work out one of these days…
    Anyone out there buy a used car recently? From private owner or dealer?

    1. Lori C

      I bought my last car, a used 2008 Toyota Camry, from CarMax. I was very pleased with the price of the car. Plus I really liked that the pricing was firm. No dickering. No negotiating. The price is the price. Used Kelley Blue Book to compare prices. CarMax was under the KBB value. Could shop online and look at cars from the local location. Be sure to shop your financing. CarMax will also be able to quote you a term and interest rate. CarMax was also able to tell me how they acquired the car.

      1. Sabrina

        I’ll second CarMax. We bought my husband’s car there. I even bought my new car there as some locations sell new too. Great experience both times. They might seem high on price, but they go over the car with a fine tooth comb and fix everything that needs it.

  59. TheLazyB

    No one discussing the end of Serial? I’m amazed!
    Best ending it could have had IMO. Made me sad and really drove it all home. I’m now re-listening and it’s amazing how the feel changes through the season.
    I really feel for Hae’s family :(

  60. TheLazyB

    What home made gifts have y’all made? Today i made spiced poached pears, and mustard. First went well… Second, i’m not so sure!! Hope my family loves me ;-/

    1. Ann Furthermore

      Made a boatload of pumpkin pie truffles over the last 2 weekends which I gave out to friends and neighbors. I’m SO glad I got it all done last weekend, because I got sick on Friday and was down for the count.

      I think home-made mustard sounds amazing! My mom used to make it when I was a kid.

    2. Stephanie

      Oooh, the pears sounds good.

      So far I’ve made:
      -spiced candied pecans
      -a chili pepper/salt/garlic spice mix I usually put on popcorn

      Planned:
      -biscotti
      -pepita brittle
      -peppermint marshmallows

    3. KAZ2Y5

      Wow, your post reminded me of what I used to make. I had a recipe for a garlic mustard (you would just get a grey poupon type mustard and add roasted garlic and something else…) and also for peanut butter mixed with (I think) honey, choc. chips and maybe marshmallows? Man, I am going to see if I can hunt those recipes down! They both were really popular and I haven’t made them in ages.

        1. KAZ2Y5

          You’re lucky I found this book! I am packing up to move and just happened to be going over my kitchen. These are from the Leisure Arts “The Spirit of Christmas, Book 4”.

          Garlic Mustard
          8 garlic cloves, peeled
          1 tbsp olive oil
          8 oz Dijon-style mustard
          1/2 tsp basil leaves
          1/4 tsp oregano leaves
          Drizzle garlic with oil and roast in a preheated 325 degree oven for 20-30 minutes. Mash the garlic and mix with remaining ingredients and leave in the frig overnight to allow flavors to blend.

          Peanut Butter Spread
          16 oz peanut butter
          2 tbsp honey
          1 cup miniature semisweet choc chips
          1/2 cup miniature marshmallows (chopped)
          1/2 cup chopped salted peanuts (or you could just use chunky pb!)
          Combine all ingredients in a microwave-safe bowl and mix well. M/w on high for 1 minute and gently swirl mixture (don’t cook too much–the chocolate will soften as you stir). Put into gift jars or just eat right then! This makes about 3 cups

          These were always great hits–especially the pb one!

    4. Gene

      Mid to late October I made fruitcakes based on the Alton Brown Freerange Fruitcake recipe. Aged them until about a week ago when I sent them out. Liberally doused with brandy whenever they felt a bit dry.

      I got rave reviews.

    5. Blue_eyes

      This year I made black and white peppermint fudge, ginger sugar crinkles, and cayenne pepper cookies to give to people. I also made cinnamon ornaments with some of my students and kept a few to give as gifts myself. I often knit or crochet gifts as well.

  61. Ann Furthermore

    So I’m a little late on the non-work open thread. I’ve had an awful cold all weekend. Slept all day Friday and yesterday, and I’m just now starting to feel human again.

    Anyway — my husband and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary next year. I’ve traveled a TON in the last 3 or 4 years, so I have enough frequent flyer miles to get us to Europe and back. I think we’re going to do a trip through the UK. We’re planning to rent a car, since we don’t want to be on anyone else’s timetable. And we’re not planning to spend much time in London. My husband is not a big-city kind of guy. I’ve been to London several times, and I think he would just find it too big, crowded, and so on. He might enjoy seeing the Royal Observatory though.

    He really wants to see Loch Ness, and I think he would love the Scottish Highlands in general. He also mentioned seeing cliffs at Dover. I’m looking for suggestions for cool, off-the-beaten path types of things to see and do that won’t be jammed with tourists (which I understand may be a tall order as we’re planning to be there in late June/early July). He loves things like camping and watching meteor showers.

    I want to plan the trip more around things he’d like to do and see. I go to Europe several times a year for work, and I traveled the world quite a bit when I was a kid, as my parents lived in the Middle East. We went to Australia and New Zealand on our honeymoon, and other than that, my husband has never traveled outside the US. So I’d really like to make this an awesome trip for him.

    I know he would also really like to see Normandy, and I’ve done some research and found that you can take a ferry there from the UK. Has anyone done that? Also — does anyone have any tips for driving on the other side of the road? We rented a car in New Zealand, which was fine, but we were in a pretty remote part of the North Island so it wasn’t so intimidating. The only advice I’ve gotten so far is to avoid driving in London at all costs.

    1. Elizabeth West

      Loch Ness is beautiful! Don’t waste your time with the visitor’s center at Drumnadrochit unless you really want to go through a rather dull exhibit. But if you like historical sites, see Urquhart Castle. Though a bit of a trap, it’s very interesting and the views are unmatched.

      I thought Inverness was awesome and you should go to Leakey’s Bookshop on Church Street (it’s in a church!), but if you’re driving around near there, you might want to sneak over to Beauly. They have a lovely ruined church–Beauly Priory–that is worth a look and it’s apparently a great shopping area. I was lucky to get a detour to it. There’s an oak in the cemetery that is like 800 years old.

      I’m jelly; I wanted to go to Dover but I didn’t have time. I might do that in April. :) OH GOD I MISS LONDON AND CARDIFF SO MUCH.

    2. TheLazyB

      It was our tenth anniversary this year. Congrats :)

      I am totally biased but will suggest the North East England coast. Particularly if you’re harry Potter fans. You can visit his castle :) it’s an absolutely beautiful coastline.

      At the very opposite end of England there is the Eden Project. I’ve never been, too far away for me, but have heard rave reviews from others. And the South west is beautiful.

    3. Carrie in Scotland

      When I was younger, my parents took us on the ferry to Northern France a few time, never had a problem that I can remember. We usually went from Hull to Belgium and then drove down but sometimes we left from Plymouth.

      As to where to go, echoing Elizabeth West – Inverness and a bit further north is beautiful. I’d miss out where I live (NE Scotland) and take the road that goes via Perth, Pitlochry and up to Inverness. Aveimore is a small town near the Cairngorm mountains – absolutely stunning location, even if you aren’t outdoorsy like me.

      I would also highly recommend Edinburgh and/or Glasgow as well.

      For England, I’ve never been but hopefully next year I’ll be able to visit the lake district. Yorkshire and York itself is all hills, sheep and random pubs for walkers, steam train to seaside town to Whitby ( has links to Bram Stoker).

      1. Carrie in Scotland

        * that should be, I am NOT outdoorsy in the least but there is still loads to do for those who don’t ski/hill walk etc

      2. Elizabeth West

        I want to go to Whitby too…and I want to spend some time in Cumbria, specifically around Appleby, which is where my paternal family originated (West is not my actual surname).

        1. Carrie in Scotland

          Strangely, when one of my uncle’s – my dad’s brother – went into some of our family tree, my great great and possibly a third and fourth great grandparents are actually from port towns in the north east of Scotland, so we ended up not too far away…until next year when I go and re-locate (in a minimum of 7 months time!!)

    4. UK Nerd

      Brits have to drive on the other side of the road every time we go abroad. You get used to it pretty fast. But remember that our cars are manual drive by default. Make sure you hire an automatic if you’re not used to driving a stick shift. And I agree with whoever said to avoid driving in London. Take the Tube instead.

      There’s a limit to how far off the beaten path you can get in the UK. It’s a crowded island. But there’s something awesome to do pretty much anywhere you go, and school is still on in June/early July so you’ll miss the worst of the tourist rush. Don’t underestimate how long it takes to get between places though. I would consider getting the train to Scotland and renting a car when you get there, rather than driving up yourself. It’ll be much quicker and more relaxing, you can pretend you’re on the Hogwarts Express, and if you get the Scotrail sleeper you can even spend it sleeping.

    5. Ann Furthermore

      Thanks very much everyone! I may post this same question again in next week’s open thread; not because I don’t appreciate the input, but because I’m hoping to get it higher up in the queue so more eyes will see it. :)

    6. Ms. Anonymity

      Check out the Rick Steve’s travel forum. He is somewhat of a guru on European travel and I have found the forum to be a great source for information.

  62. FX-ensis

    I’m thinking strongly about my 2015 goals:

    – to start a digital marketing career

    – to get standard knowledge, like all others got long ago..

    – to travel overseas

    – to start a consumer review site..

    – to be an opinion leader in my industry

    – to improve my Spanish to intermediate/advanced level..

    – to move out and rent/buy a flat

    – to get a gf..

    – to perhaps move away to another country and start over, once i get standard knowledge..

  63. Be the Change

    Having hit the dread metabolism slowdown and gained 5 lbs in a month — arrrrgghhh!!! and after having watched it creeping up for months — I just joined Weight Watchers. Oh.My.Goodness, I feel like I’m eating about half what I normally would!!

    Any tips, responses, stories of shared hunger, or (hopefully) “it gets better” stories?

    1. nep

      Think of ‘crowding out’ instead of ‘cutting out’. Crowd out the bad with the good. If you nourish your body with healthy, real foods, that should help with any hunger or sense of deprivation. What are you eating?
      Clearly weight loss is about what we’re putting in our mouths, but when it comes to the exercise part of things, don’t shy away from weight training.
      Stay positive. All the best to you.

    2. just a girl

      Weight…the bane of my existence :) I like how at WW they teach you to anticipate hunger and beat it before it gets bigger. So I’d fill up on low calorie stuff like cucumbers when I could. It really does help.

      I felt the same way. The restricted points/calories seemed to be not enough for me to feel full. I just kept reminding myself that I ate too much before, not that what I’m eating now is too little.

    3. Trixie

      I tend to eat more during the colder months, with lots and lots of munchies. I try to keep it at bay with protein heavy meals which helps. And if I insist on snacking, go towards healthy, whole grain crackers (Ak-mak) or popcorn. I also intend to start lifting weights again with the new year. Strength training classes will be nice and packed with new members so I like the new energy/enthusiasm!

      I’m also at the age/hormone level where I pretty much need to eat better, eat less and move more.

    4. nep

      Of course every body is different — but I think generally we don’t have to go hungry to lose weight. It is about volume control / portion sizes, yes. But we can feel full and satisfied on real foods that are nourishing our bodies. Nutrient-dense, not calorie-dense.

    5. Anonsie

      It gets better. But at first it feels awful and it takes longer than you’d think to get used to it, but it does get better so don’t let that get you down.

      I did it for about a year and a half until I got to my goal. I ate healthily before then (I’m a veggies and fish person) but I have PCOS and I had a big hormone shift that caused me to gain a bunch of weight. Since my diet was already good I couldn’t really switch what I was eating, I had to go down on how much I was eating and eliminate my already rare treats. Going down on the volume was hard and it never felt really great, and I’m someone who regularly puts off eating when I’m busy anyway so I’m not typically averse to being hungry sometimes. But I was hungry all the time and it was infuriating. It was rough and rough and then one day it was ok.

      I say this not to be discouraging, but because when you do this people who are into dieting give you a lot of really dumb lines about how you should feel great because you’re helping your body and that is crazy making. It made me feel like I was doing worse than everyone else and I was going to fail. Nope! Realistically it sucks and it’s hard for a long time and then suddenly it’s not so hard. You just gotta accept that initial fight will pay off.

    6. Be the Change

      Thanks everyone, it sounds encouraging. Anonsie, that sounds a lot like what I’m experiencing, so, good to know that one does get used to it!

      I like the highly quantitative aspect to WW, it’s “fun” to track. Not fun, exactly, but you can see the points in a way that you can’t when you’re just food journaling. Also I like that you can buy food points with activity points.

  64. SelenaLuna

    Might as well update from a few weeks ago.

    I graduated, but I didn’t really feel happy about it and was a mess during the ceremony. I wore the blouse my grandma bought just for the occasion under my robe as I promised her, but I really wanted her to be there in the flesh. I really wished I skipped it, but my parents wanted me to do it.

    Plus I’m a more than ticked that the rest of my family that I were closed to weren’t there and I felt like my degree was useless in my goals.

    So right now I’m dealing with feeling hollowed, regretful, and just plain ol’ merry during this holiday season. So I’m compensating on looking forward to therapy and looking for a Master’s program.

    1. nep

      If our contentment and peace depend on things or other people, it’s flimsy and fleeting.
      Good for you to be looking ahead to the Master’s work and doing what matters to you.
      Congratulations on graduating. All best wishes to you.

  65. Relosa

    For some reason I haven’t been seeing these!!

    But anywho…

    Over the summer I talked about how I was going to throw caution to the wind and finally pack up and move to LA!

    Well, I did! I landed Thursday.

    Sadly I have no car, no job, and no money (thanks to being ripped off the day before I left! :) and no dog yet (he’s still in MN until…probably the 31st) but I’m here!

      1. Relosa

        Thanks! It’sgoing to be a struggle for awhile for sure, but I’ve wanted to do this for years. Better now than never!

  66. Anonsie

    Anyone have a dog with allergies that make them really itchy and prone to chewing/scratching themselves raw? Mine is having a really bad flare but due to the holidays we can’t get her into her vet for steroids for a while. She’s stuck in a cone and a tshirt until further notice because she just can’t stop!!

    Vet had us up her antihistamines but it only seems to help a little. We’re also doing the frequent bathing (1-2 times a week) which seems to help more than the antihistamines. We have an oil-based non-soap shampoo that seems to do well, but we’re considering going to pine tar soap now. Does that stuff even work for this?

    We’re trying to distract her with new treats and toys but that only works for a little while at a time. I dropped $40 at Petco and managed to use that bag full of new junk to hold her attention for like… One day.

      1. Anonsie

        Fleas for sure, we have a lot of flea control measures in place.

        She’s actually been allergy tested and it’s all environmental ones that are out of our control like birch and ragweed. Those were the big ones, I think there were some other trees in there as well– cedar? That’s why the bathing often helps, it gets all the pollens that make her itch off of her.

    1. Trixie

      I noticed my cats scratch more on certain foods and when I tried a different brand, much better. I’m not thinking its a grain or gluten thing specifically in my situation, just a brand to stay away from. So among others, you might try a couple different foods. Poor buddy.

      1. Anonsie

        Nope, if it’s food related I can’t tell. Back when it started we did all the crazy diet restrictions (no grains, novel proteins, the works) and we know it’s not that. Since then we’ve starting cycling through foods where we buy a new 25-ish pound bag every time and when it’s empty we buy a different kind and see what happens. It’s never seemed to make any difference, but I keep doing it hoping maybe she’ll hit one that does help, since apparently this is a common remedy.

      2. NacSacJack

        Have you had her tested for thyroid? Sac has a low thyroid count and used to stratch and bite himself. We give him a pill morning and night. We also put him a ocean & fishes sensitive dogfood. Nac didnt mind.

  67. Billy

    I do not want to travel anywhere for Christmas this year; yet I’m being forced. It is the first time ever that I just wanna open presents and relax at home for the day.

  68. I.M. Bananas

    I posted about family dynamics above. I’d love to get some feedback on an issue I experienced this past summer. For years I’ve known my MIL doesn’t like me. Since I met my husband, actually. Mostly it’s little digs, like commenting on my weight, or that my outfit looks “comfortable”, even though I’m dressed to the nines for a fancy occasion, or that my perfume smells “off” or like cleaning fluids. I am often “schooled” by her. She tries to give me “advice” on things like laundry or housecleaning, how she or her daughters do it. She even attempts to explain movie plots to me…while we’re watching said movie. I can follow a plot…thanks.

    So this past summer…after YEARS of her begging to take my children (12 and 9) for a whole summer, I finally relented and let her have them. I was a wreck, putting them on a plane and sending them so far away. But I did it.

    She then acted as if I was sloughing them off on her so that I could laze about and live the free life all summer.

    What the what?

    But what is really awful, what sickens me, is that she spent her time with my daughters badmouthing me. To my own children. She said I was lazy, was making them lazy. She criticized my weight and appearance, and theirs…weighed them and made remarks about it. She claimed I was draining the family bank account and spending all the money on myself and doing nothing for them.

    I’ve since cut off contact with her. Thoughts?

    1. Be the Change

      Oh my lands. This sounds awful. I’m sorry.

      Also I have no business giving thoughts since I don’t have children, but maybe…talk to them about what happened?

      And, extreme politeness but zero contact sounds absolutely reasonable to me here; hopefully your husband will support you in it.

    2. Relosa

      That woman sounds awfully like my own mother, an alcoholic with BPD.

      Cutting off contact, IMO is the only way to handle it. You have my deepest sympathies.

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