weekend free-for-all – December 2-3, 2017

by Alison Green on December 2, 2017

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: History of Wolves, by Emily Fridlund. I originally wasn’t going to read this because the title made me think it was some sort of modern Call of the Wild, but it’s actually about an isolated teenager’s relationship with a family who move in nearby and it’s quite good.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Katie*

    I’m usually a big fan of the Graham Norton Show (more so than any other talk show), but I was really surprised (and disappointed) that he had Mel Gibson as a guest the week before last. I don’t know how much control he has over the guests booked (or which movies are being promoted) but… I couldn’t bring myself to watch it.

    His interviews are meant to be fluff pieces (so of course he’s not going to try make his guests uncomfortable) and most of the time I like that, but the thought of being receptive or friendly with Gibson just…could not stomach that.

    Did anyone watch that particular episode?

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Norton is big enough that I find it hard to believe that he wouldn’t be able to make demands, and I’m also shocked that he would interview a renowned anti-Semite and homophobe. I may have to watch it, just to see if he tried drilling him about his bigoted public statements. I’ll be very disappointed if he gave him a pass on that.

      1. Katie*

        I think Gibson was part of a ‘package’ with Mark Wahlberg and John Lithgow, so maybe there was some sort of deal where Norton had to have all three on? But the fact Gibson is still getting cast in big films is just…ugh.

        1. Quiet lurker*

          Mark Wahlberg isn’t a great choice either, didn’t he hospitalize a Vietnamese man in a racist attack?

          1. Beaded Librarian*

            Yes but at least in his case he’s admitted ever since he did it and has not done anything similar. Now it could be argued that he’s gotten good at hiding his racist views but that’s better than what Mel Gibson has managed, he just gets worse as he gets older.

        2. Circus peanuts*

          I saw the movie that those three are promoting. Gibson’s character in the movie is a horses ass so while it was odd to see him on the screen, he did a good job. The movie’s energy level was a bit uneven, Lithgow and Ferrell were high energy playing off of one another and Wahlberg and Gibson were lower key in contrast.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I thought some of the other guests might have looked a little uncomfortable sharing a stage with him, but I only caught clips so it’s hard to say for sure.

    4. Etak*

      I saw it and I felt the same. I love the show and I was left feeling pretty ick about Mel Gibson being there and everyone acting pretty blasé about it. I think there was even a passing mention of the “troubles” Gibson has had??? Ugh no, disappointed.

    7. JulieBulie*

      Ugh. I don’t know who Graham Norton is, but my mother re-watched “The Patriot” the other night and couldn’t stop talking about it yesterday and I couldn’t believe my ears. (And yet, I also could.)

      I didn’t want to hear about it, and she kept bringing it up. I kept changing the subject, but then she’d try to talk about politics. (Between Mel Gibson, politics, and other stuff regarding my mother, I am struggling not to go off on a rant of my own.)

      (I just mentally wrote a whole thing, but I’ll save it for a future weekend freefrall when I have time for it.)

      Mel Gibson has been dead to me for many years. I realize that he’s not actually physically dead, and I realize it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to humor me. But, damn, really? Are people’s memories really so short? (Trick question; the answer is yes.)

  2. Elf*

    What? First???

    I am being shocked by how unpleasant the first trimester is. It is much worse than the last time. I think part of the difference is probably that I am working full time, but there isn’t much I can do about that and my toddler keeps climbing on me when I am trying to rest, and this weekend I get to bake approximately 100 dozen cookies because my family is insane (that will be replicated each of the next two weekends).

      1. JaneB*

        I think you give all the reason you need in one word – toddler!! You get to cut all the corners you can with no shame for the next year, I reckon -tell the family it was ordered by a random non medical doctor on the internet!!

        Joking aside, that sounds SO tough, cut yourself a LOT of slack…

    2. Ms. Annie*

      I couldn’t even be in smelling distance of the kitchen during baking.

      Can you tell them the smells trigger your morning sickness something fierce and cut back or skip baking altogether?

      There are a couple of really, really good bakeries near me that do wonderful cookies. Seriously though, take care of yourself.

    3. Emalia*

      My second pregnancy was much harder than the first–vertigo at work, any smell set me off, constant lower back and hip pain. My first pregnancy, I had mild nausea till around 10 weeks.

      My saving grace was prenatal massage. Possible gift idea? Oh and, my husband would take our toddler on adventures one morning each weekend so I could sleep in.

      I hope you enjoy baking, because I’m sure there are plenty of bakers who do if you don’t!

    4. Artemesia*

      Could not Dad bake with the toddler (I am thinking a toddler would love putting the Hershey kisses on 100 peanut blossom cookies. and I say that as a grandmother who bakes with her grandkids) My daughter just had her second and has a tough time too with an older child and full time work; I know she dropped a lot of the usual obligations and I think you should do the same. The first trimester is exhausting and if you have morning sickness even more so. This is a time to be kind to yourself, to let your husband pick up some more of the slack and to drop non essentials. ‘Mom, Sis — you know I love the family bakeathon but I am not up to it this year. ‘ some things are more important than others and your health while carrying a baby is one of those things. Exhaustion is not good for you, for your toddler and your new baby. Be easier on yourself.

      Baking for 3 weekends is absolutely not essential. Just say ‘no’. If your husband can step up (nothing is easier than baking cookies) great; if not, there will be other years.

    5. Pawnee Goddess*

      Totally up to you, but this internet stranger gives you permission to say no to all extraneous baking and other requests, now and forever! If you have a partner or a friend who can take over, could you lean on them for a while? Sorry if this is just adding to the mountain of unsolicited advice, but I think people often don’t realize how much strain is put on pregnant/parenting people and could use a little “hey, can you help me out here?”

    6. PhyllisB*

      I had a terrible time during my second pregnancy. Could not keep food down and like you, was working full-time and dealing with a 3 year old. My doctor even told me I needed to gain some weight. I told him I wanted that in writing, because NO ONE had ever told me before I needed to gain weight. :-) I drank lots of milk shakes; that seemed to be the only thing that would stay down. Must not have hurt him too bad, he’s 32 years old and six feet tall and doing great. My first and third I sailed through with no problems. (They were girls. Wonder if that was the difference?) All this to say, sending good energy your way, and don’t do anything you don’t absolutely have to do.

    7. Anion*

      First trimester with my second was way worse than my first, too. I felt basically normal with #1, just tired. With #2 I was queasy and exhausted all day; the only thing that made me feel better was Friday’s potato skins and spanakopita appetizers from Target. I ate those every day at like 2pm, which was when I finally felt okay getting up off the couch and eating something.

      And the smells! I couldn’t go near the kitchen sink, because the smell of the drain (which normally I never noticed) made me want to puke. My husband bought some green apple scented dish soap, and the smell of *that* made me want to puke, too–I couldn’t stand it, and that lasted through the entire pregnancy. I still don’t like it much.

      But the smell of Comet cleanser was so good I wanted to eat it. :-) I scrubbed the tub and sink almost every day because the smell of that cleanser was sooooo wonderful. (Of course I didn’t actually try to eat it, lol.)

      Funny story: a month or two ago I was helping child #2 (who will be 13 next week) work out some major tangles in her hair, in the tub. I had a bottle of Bed Head conditioner, which–I discovered after I bought it–smells like green apple. So I’ve never really used it much. But I needed a LOT of conditioner for her hair, so I figured I’d use it.

      I got about a handful and started working it into her hair, and she says, “What *is* that smell? It’s awful, it’s making me feel sick.” !!!

      So the smell that made me feel so queasy when I was pregnant with her…now makes her feel queasy.

      I was pretty amazed by that!

      (Also, once during that pregnancy when I was dozing on the couch, MY toddler decided she’d had enough of Mommy napping. She grabbed this big hardcover Disney book we had, and slammed it down on my head! So there I am, dozing away, trying not to throw up, when all of the sudden BLAM! right on the top of my head. :-) I actually started to cry, it was such a shock and so painful [and hormones]. I mean, I saw the humor even then, but…ouch!)

      1. Green bean*

        I had the same attempted napping experience, but it was a piece of firewood my toddler hit me with! Second pregnancy is tough!

      2. Properlike*

        Funny about the green apple thing! I have a similar tale: When my mother was pregnant with me, she made a bunch of Christmas ornaments out of halved walnut shells. She at the nut meat for the entire month of December, and came to hate it.

        Walnuts are the one nut I can’t eat. Hate the taste of them.

    8. Observer*

      I don’t understand why you are baking the cookies. If you really can’t find a way to say no to your family, please find a competent therapist, if you are not seeing one, and work on setting some reasonable boundaries.

      I’m not being snarky – you can’t really do much about the other issues, but that kind of baking job is NOT something anyone gets to demand in your situation. The fact that you seem to think that you have to do it is concerning.

      1. Elf*

        The baking is stressful and crazy and also literally my favorite thing about this time of year. It’s also at a much saner pace than it has been in the past, we’ve broken it up into a longer period so we aren’t doing more than one type of cookie a day, so we’re really only doing 2-3 hours on a given day, and my father watched my son the whole time we (my husband, mother, brother, and I) were doing it. It’s a big difference to be doing about 200 dozen cookies + packing over six days, instead of 385 dozen over four. (I totally hear you, it is a lot, but sometimes the crazy is what makes you special. I’ve never seen a bakery that makes cookies a fraction as nice as ours). Also, the smells of the cookies do not make me sick, I really would back out if they did.

        I’m coping a little better the last couple of days, because I’ve been making tea out of fresh ginger in the evenings. Things had been mostly manageable all day until about 5 pm when I just feel gross, but the tea seems to help a little. It’s harder because I’m a teacher so I can’t do things like eating and peeing when I need to, and I can’t get into a routine about it at work because we have a rotating schedule so my free times are different every day. I don’t think it would help to say something at work because teachers are exempted from a lot of labor laws, and I really don’t want to until most of my evaluation is done for the year, so if they decided to get rid of me it would be really obvious pregnancy retaliation (I’m untenured).

  3. Anon on this one*

    Okay, here goes: How do you talk to a partner who fairly quickly (within 2 months) goes from a normal-to-high sex drive to zero? He’s had a lot of professional drawbacks and his self-esteem is really hurting…which I suspect is the core of what’s going on, but also makes it really hard to have a conversation about this. He’s very aware that the rejection is painful for me which makes him just feel worse. I’ve been calm and tactful but that isn’t helping. It’s more important that he feel better than For our sex life to immediately resume but I don’t know how to accomplish the former either, especially since this is now another thing he feels bad about.

    For the record I’m positive he’s not having an affair, neither of our appearances or health levels have dramatically changed since the start of this or even the start of the relationship, and he is very sweet and kind to me otherwise.

    Hope this isn’t too racy for the board.

    1. neverjaunty*

      Sounds like it’s a symptom of whatever else is keeping him down. Which of course you knew, but may encourage him to work on the underlying problem, knowing that it isn’t really about you or your relationship. Is counseling an option?

    2. Anonymous Pixie*

      It’s not too racy!

      If no one else suggests it, try Captain Awkward if you haven’t already. Other than that, it really does sound like the professional drawbacks are feeding into a self-esteem issue. Counseling might be good if it’s feasible, but there’s a certain type of person who will hear ‘what about counseling’ and feel like they’re even more broken. I don’t know if your partner is like that, but you probably will know, so proceed with caution if you think it might happen.

      1. Meyers and Briggs were not real doctors*

        Sorry but I like the young Prudence, Mallory Ortberg. She’s super with sexy-times questions.

        You could try Dr. Psych Mom, she does a lot of sex and marriage questions too. (Although she endorses 50 shades, “to get the spark back” she says, but it’s hard for me to understand why she endorses a novel with completely unhealthy DSM relationships…which is, well, abuse, so I’m not sure what’s sparky or romantic about that. But just my opinion)

        Capn lost me as a reader after the couple renting a cabin from a friend found a ton of cameras or something, and they knew children had been there just before them, and she advised them NOT to call the cops, basically. There were other things I disagreed with over the years but that one turned me away completely. When she started tho, the first few years, were golden IMHO

        Um, no. If you have reason to believe that someone is committing a crime against a child, you fn report it. Don’t care whether the cabin is owned by your friends or what. That’s BS. Insted she left it in the court of the woman who was recorded – I think her bf found them and brought them to her or something or took them from the cabin, but he was recorded too -because as the victim she gets to make the call to cops or not. (??)

        Captn isn’t a mom and I have a background with a non-profit for children where I had to pass a federal background check, so I might be biased here.. But I’m sorry, if you suspect crimes being committed against a child, you go to the cops, period. Full stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Unless you’re selling videos of underagers of course!

        The updates were in the comments and the cops were eventually involved for an unrelated reason or something. Sorry it’s been a while and I have no interest in tracking down that particular column. Probably 2 years ago?

        2. NaoNao*

          I’m surprised that you read that letter as a) involving kids at some point (although reading between the lines or speculating, children *could* have been involved) and the Captain says “It’s okay to get law enforcement involved….”

          Her entire response is one of extreme horror and support for the victims and encouraging them to drop this person out of their circle and warn everyone.

          I think there’s a chance you may be conflating two letters?

          It’s no skin off my nose if you don’t like the Captain, but there might be some confusion that reading the letter could clear up. She doesn’t come out in all caps and say “call the cops right away!!” but she doesn’t say “Don’t call the cops” either.

          1. Meyers and Briggs were not real doctors*

            “Her entire response is one of extreme horror and support for the victims and encouraging them to drop this person out of their circle and warn everyone.”

            That’s way different than “call the cops.” And that’s where I drew the line. I’m all for victims but not at the expense of crimes against children (past or future) being committed. HEnce why the cops needed to be called immediately, and that should have been the first thing said. The response sounded like the friendship meant more than crimes against children!
            Drop this person ie shunning is proven to squash these crimes, or something, apparently? Umm no.

          2. Meyers and Briggs were not real doctors*

            From that letter there was no way to know if it involved kids or not, but common sense says cameras stuck in secret places, like bathrooms, may catch a child. Might be the neighbor kid who briefly stopped by, or someone’s neice or nephew tagging along for a rare brief visit. Whatever. Assuming all the victims were adults is really silly considering the circumstances, which is that it was essentially a rental/vacation property. (Btw Capn didn’t consider any of this and conveniently didn’t post my polite comment pointing this out. She can make her own rules for her own blog of course, and my rules are not to give her money anymore or promote her site.)

    3. Autumn anon*

      Have you tried sitting down with him and telling him that you support him and that he’s more important to you than your sex life? If you haven’t, it might help him to know that not having sex with you isn’t a personal failure of his, and relieving that guilt might help with other aspects of communication around how he’s feeling right now. He also might not want to burden you or have you pity him, so you’d probably want your tone in all this to be sincere and earnest but not necessarily sympathetic, at least while you’re discussing sex, though, of course, you know your husband better than I do so use your own judgement on that. If you have talked to him about caring more about him than your sex life, then maybe a sincere discussion about what he feels and what you can do to help and support him is the next step, but if not then it might be a good place to start.

    4. Temp anon*

      You might suggest he talk to a counselor about his stress, self esteem, etc. It’s okay that he is feeling bad, but his coping skills can’t include shutting down or shutting you out. A couples counselor could also be a good option.

      What I mainly want to caution you about is letting this go too long. My husband and I haven’t been married for very long but we’ve struggled with his sex drive since shortly after we got engaged. He largely chalks it up to self esteem, too, but I made a big mistake in ignoring my concerns about it for a long time. I don’t have a super high sex drive either so at first I figured I could just wait for him to figure out whatever it was, and I’ve been in his position so I was really cautious about him feeling pressured in any way. We probably should have postponed the wedding. Some physical health problems came after that and right now I think we’ve had sex once or twice in the last year. Now I’m at the point where while I love him and want us to work out, I think I have about a year left before I’m walking away.

    5. Hellanon*

      Has he seen his doctor about depression, or about high blood pressure, etc, the kinds of medical conditions that can impact sex drive?

    6. Coffeelover*

      I wanted to start by saying this is so common and normal in long term relationships. Life gets in the way and sex takes a back seat. And I think that’s totally fine. I think it’s important to keep the intimacy alive, but sex isn’t the only way to do that.

      Personally, I’m in your boyfriends boat right now. I’m on new hormonal birth control which has temporarily killed my sex drive (not the kind of birth control I was hoping for haha). I told my husband about it and he was really understanding. He said something like, “that’s fine… I’m sure you’ll be good to go in a while”. That’s it. No more discussion needed. He also doesn’t push for sex and when I say I’m not into it, he stops immediately and cuddles instead. This might not work for everyone, but the fact that he waits until I initiate (at which point he’s enthusiastic) takes the pressure away. I don’t feel like he’s disappointed or waiting for me to get my game back.

      I say try to be intimate in a way that doesnt involve sex (ie cuddling and kissing) and let him initiate when he’s ready. If you want to talk to him about it then say something short and sweet… don’t try to have a long drawn out conversation (because this is probably not something he wants to discuss). You can say for example, “hey I know you’ve been stressed at work and we haven’t had a chance to have sex for a while. I want you to know that’s fine with me. Focus on what you need to and well get our groove back later.”

      1. Artemesia*

        Hormonal birth control does not ‘temporarily’ kill sex drive; if it has that effect it tends to be long lasting. I’d be looking for an alternative birth control method if this doesn’t turn around in a month or so.

        1. ValaMalDoran*

          This, this, this. Hormonal birth control pills have permanently (so far, at least) tanked my hormone levels and my sex drive. I’m 33, and have been off the pills for 3.5 years. I ended up getting a Paragard IUD because I won’t touch anything hormonal again.

          I’m very fortunate to have a lady doctor who will prescribe me testosterone cream. It has revived my sex drive.

        2. all aboard the anon train*

          Not everyone has that option, though. I need hormonal birth control to help my endometriosis and it’s killed my sex drive for years. I can’t have an IUD and I’m allergic to an ingredient in a lot of other non-hormonal pills, so I don’t know if this is Coffeelover’s case, but alternative birth control methods don’t always work for everyone. Sometimes you have to choose between a rock and a hard place.

          I don’t mean to be argumentative and I don’t think you meant it in this way, but I see so much on the internet about how bad hormonal birth control pills are and how women should stay away from them, and while it has had some bad effects, it’s pretty much let me go about a normal life because hormonal pills tamp down my severe endo symptoms in a way non-hormonal pills don’t.

          1. ValaMalDoran*

            I don’t think you’re being argumentative at all. Your experience and perspective is just as valuable and important as mine. (I do sometimes forget about the actual medical necessity for birth control pills, so thank you for the reminder.)

            I think there needs to be more discussion about birth control risks and side effects, for all kinds of birth control, so everyone can make the choice that is right for them. (Full disclosure: my IUD made my cramps SO MUCH worse, but I’d rather deal with that, than having no no sex drive. And I knew that was very likely when I made the decision.)

            What really makes me mad, was the doctor who prescribed my hormonal birth control pills didn’t discuss the more serious risks, including the potential for permanent libido changes, and neither did the insert that came with the pills. (That I read every single line of, every time.) No one can make an informed decision if they are not informed.

            I’m glad that hormonal birth control pills help your endometriosis. But I’m sorry that you didn’t have any better options available to you. That sucks.

            1. Julia*

              This. So many doctors just prescribe hormonal birth control to women without talking about the risks. Heck, even to teenagers!

              I was super against ever taking any pill ever again, but just like all aboard the anon train, I have endometriosis and the benefits far outweighed the risks. That said, I was appalled by how nonchalant my doctor was about the possible side effects. My pill says anyone with a history of depression needed to be ultra careful, and she never even asked me about my medical history, and when I brought it up, she shrugged it off. Luckily the pills work for me, but what if they hadn’t?

              1. blackcat*

                I was put on BC at the age of 12 because of terrible periods.

                I suffered from anxiety and depression through adolescence. In college, I decided to go off the pills since I wasn’t having sex and, for several women I knew, periods got less painful with age. My periods still sucked, but suddenly my depression and anxiety were gone. I spent 8 years on drugs that were making me depressed, and I had no idea. No doctor ever told me they could be connected.

                It’s been non-hormonal BC for me since then! 2-3 days of bad pain is infinitely preferable to me to being depressed and anxious. For some people, it’s totally worth it. I am not one of those people. And no doctor ever had a frank conversation with me about that.

        3. JD*

          Totally agree. I actually refuse any birth control at all anymore as I was tired of the libido killer and I didn’t like putting that into my body every day for years and years. I have 5 years off all birth control and never will look back.

        4. Elizabeth West*

          I had this issue once and my doctor and I had to switch around trying to find a BC pill that didn’t affect libido. But be careful–I ended up on one that, in combination with my thyroid medication, gave me a DVT. In the end, we went with a low-dose contraceptive and I was able to continue on them with no further side effects.

        5. Coffeelover*

          Well my doctor said I should wait six months before changing anything while my body gets used to it (so it’s temporary at least in that sense). I have noticed a slow improvement though so I’m hoping it works itself out.

      2. Natalie*

        For what it’s worth, in the OP’s position I disliked the advice to create intimacy in other ways. Mainly because I already *had* that non-sex intimacy in my relationship, so something is still very much missing. It’s not like we were relying solely on sex for intimacy.

        I think your suggesting wording is perfectly fine *if* it’s actually true for the OP. But if it isn’t true that they can wait indefinitely, they shouldn’t lie about it.

    8. SuperAnon*

      My husband and I went through something similar a few months ago. It was completely psychological for him. You’re clearly handling it better than I did. It felt like he was rejecting me and our marriage, but it was truly out of his control. He was willing to go to his doctor who confirmed that it was psychological and also really common. He got a prescription for a few months and then everything went back to normal.

      1. SignalLost*

        Can I ask what the prescription was for? My bf tried therapy (this situation has been going on for several years for us, and I get that he’s stressed for a lot of reasons) but … I don’t think the therapist was any good. He moved BF to group therapy without – as far as I know – hitting any of the goals BF had completely or even consistently, and BF is not good for group therapy – he’s an emotional sponge with self-esteem issues. At this point, I don’t even care if we have sex again, it’s been so long, but I would like him to be less stressed, and I can’t do all of that by myself, given our life factors.

        1. SuperAnon*

          It was a prescription for Cialis. We are trying to conceive, so being able to have sex was really important. The whole issue to begin with was caused by the weird pressure we put on ourselves, especially after having a miscarriage.

    9. paul*

      I’m in your husbands boat ATM and it royally sucks from that side of things too. I was hoping working on dropping some excess weight would help but so far no change. If it’s not better in another month or two I’m going to have a *very* awkward convo with our family doctor.

      1. SignalLost*

        Sounds like it’s not awkward at all, given how much traction this comment has here and other places I’ve seen similar concerns.

      2. SuperAnon*

        My husband said it wasn’t particularly awkward and the doctor was great about discussing how common of a problem it is. If you’re doctor makes it awkward, find a new doctor.

        For what it’s worth, my husband is super shy and reserved. So he was pleasantly surprised when it wasn’t the worst conversation ever.

    10. Christy*

      I think it would be good to handle this as a mutual problem that you are dealing with together. Like, I think it would be really helpful for you and your partner to talk through the situation and possible solutions together. I think being united about wanting it resolved will be the first step in resolving it.

      And in terms of concrete advice: my top advice is to stop trying for coitus for a while. Focus on one person giving the other pleasure. One set of genitals involved at a time. That way, when he’s on the receiving end, he can just enjoy himself and not have to worry about pleasing you. And when you’re on the receiving end, he can please you without worrying about being physically unable to perform or physically uninterested in performing. Once you do this for a while, I bet he’ll suggest coitus and that will put him back over the hump.

      In the meantime, I also recommend physical intimacy without sexual intimacy. We had a period where neither of us had a sex drive but we both wanted the intimacy of, say, being on the giving end of sex as I mention above. But since neither of us wanted it, it wasn’t an option. So we’d set aside weekend time to basically naked cuddle together. Like, active cuddling. We also gave massages a lot and often showered together. It really helped with feeling like we were connected without sex.

      1. Anon on this one*

        One of the big problems is that he basically refuses to be on the receiving end. Sometimes — not often enough, but still — he’ll be the giving partner. This helps some, but the situation has gone on long enough that I’ve begun to feel like I can’t really relax and enjoy it when he’s been unmoved for so long; I feel really exposed and vulnerable. He won’t even accept a back rub. He has always been happier to give than to receive, sexually speaking; you wouldn’t think that could have a down side, would you? But I think he subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) punishes himself by denying himself pleasure.

        We are physically affectionate in other ways at least, so it’s not like he’s being cold. Maybe it’s a place to build from.

        We have various family stresses piling up on us for the holidays, so I’ve decided to let things lie until January. We’ve got enough to deal with. But shortly after the new year, we’ll have to have a talk that results in some definite plan of action. Letting it go on any longer than that can only harm our relationship.

  4. Blue Eagle*

    December is officially movie season for us (too cold to enjoy our usual favorite activities out-of-doors) so just wondered what 2017 movies you’ve seen that you recommend.

    1. Peggy*

      We’re into more indie than blockbuster – Loving Vincent was slow moving but absolutely gorgeous to watch. We’re seeing Lady Bird this weekend and The Florida Project in a week or two. Very excited about both!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Went to see Murder on the Orient Express last Sunday with my mother. I really enjoyed it. I saw the original make in the seventies, but I think this one was even better.

          1. Marillenbaum*

            In my opinion, it doesn’t really compare. David Suchet inhabits the role in a way no one has ever really matched, and that adaptation more effectively drew out the themes of the novel (nature of justice vs. the law) and used the setting to greater effect.

            1. Fiennes*

              Although Suchet’s Poirot is unquestionably the best, I actually didn’t like that version as much. While I think you can handle the themes more seriously than the 1970s version, IMO the Suchet MOTOE went too far in the other direction. Poirot spent so much time questioning himself–something Poirot really doesn’t do. Agatha Christie’s mysteries are at their core cozies, and the extremely somber tone felt really off to me. It was very well-acted, though.

                1. Laura*

                  Neither the Branagh nor the Suchet versions is true to the book – the latter welds on Catholic guilt and a backstory for Suchet, both of which are ridiculous considering the character Christie established.

      3. Coffeelover*

        I really liked the Florida project. It does such a good job of telling a dark story in a light way.

      4. Pearly Girl*

        Loving Vincent was absolutely gorgeous and an amazing accomplishment. The first fully painted motion picture, 5 years in the making, a feast for the eyes.

    2. Nicole*

      I recently saw Daddy’s Home 2 and thought it was even better than the first one (which initially I hadn’t had high hopes for and was pleasantly surprised by).

      I’d like to see Downsizing and Pitch Perfect 3 which come out later this month. I’ll probably wait until January just so I have something decent to do on my birthday.

      Also, I’m sure I’ll be seeing the latest Star Wars movie since my husband is a huge fan. I don’t care either way, but the funny thing is I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. He drags me to all the blockbuster Sci-Fi and comic book films and I never necessarily want to see them but end up liking them immensely.

      1. Anon on this one*

        “Get Out” is absolutely terrific. It’s genuinely horror as well as humor/social commentary, which I didn’t anticipate, but it wasn’t scary at a level I couldn’t handle. (Unlike, say, “It.”) It’s extremely well acted and a very smart, sharp film.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I really liked it. (And have almost no memory of the original.) That rare movie that doesn’t need to step in and explain everything.

      3. JulieBulie*

        I loved it too, and actually thought it was better than the original (better story, more coherent, less likely to be compared with the novel).

    4. Temperance*

      Wonder Woman. I absolutely loved every single minute of it. I also found Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them to be absolutely delightful.

      1. Seal*

        Agreed. I saw Wonder Woman on my birthday this past summer and loved it. And Fantastic Beasts is a very worthy addition to the Harry Potter universe.

        1. TardyTardis*

          I still think that Newt Scamander is financing all his beast collecting by letting his Niffler loose. He’s a wizard and he can’t fix the lock on his suitcase?

      2. JulieBulie*

        During the first half hour of Wonder Woman, I found myself thinking about all the Batmen, Supermen, Hulks, and Spider-Men of my lifetime, and I started to cry. There were so many different ways they could have screwed this up, but it turned out just right. Something I wouldn’t be embarrassed to watch with my nieces.

        1. peggy*

          Over the summer I took a random day off after a long stretch stressful weeks that flew by without a single minute of self care time. I took myself out to lunch and then saw Wonder Woman by myself in an empty theater and I cried several times. I grew up loving superhero movies (I was never a super fan, didn’t read comics or play with action figures, etc but loved the movies) and I was just so HAPPY at how well this movie was done. It felt like someone finally did right by all of the female superhero fans who’d been patiently waiting their whole lives for something to be done right.

    6. Merci Dee*

      My daughter and I saw Coco last weekend. It was amaaaaazing. The visuals for the Land of the Dead just blew me away. And you’d never suspect that animators would bother to put expression on the face of so many skeletons, but they did, and it was great. I can’t say enough good things about this movie.

        1. Merci Dee*

          Without question. There’s pretty good action going on, and lots of music. Depends, though, on whether the 3-year-old in question would be weirded out by skeletons.

      1. Dr. KMnO4*

        I LOVED Thor Ragnarok!! I’ve seen it twice, and would happily see it again! It was amazing- funny, exciting, full of action. My favorite kind of superhero movie.

      5. SL #2*

        I am a huge Marvel fan and I adored Ragnarok without expecting to; the ~space series (Guardians and Thor) never really held much interest for me, but Ragnarok was so damn good.

      6. Lilo*

        Adored Thor Ragnarok.

        That’s one thing I really like about the Marvel movies – they’re all different. You have a spy thriller (Winter Soldier) and a space comedy (Ragnarok) all in the same universe.

      7. Nina*

        Yep, Thor Ragnarok was a blast! So much fun.

        I want to see it again before it leaves theaters. Then my $$$ is going towards Black Panther and Infinity War.

    10. Pat Benetardis*

      I loved Wonder. As good as the book. I cried my way through the movie, but kids who were there were loving it, bouncing up and down in their seats. Teens liked it too. Something for everyone in this movie.

    11. Lady Jay*

      Loved Wonder Woman, Spiderman: Homecoming, and Dunkirk. The first two are especially great; they’re fairly light-hearted and have characters I can actually cheer for, which is much needed during this dark political season.

      1. Lilo*

        My one complaint about Dunkirk was the soundtrack. I found the super super slow Nimrod took me out of it because my brain would go “Wait, is that Nimrod?”

        1. JulieBulie*

          I didn’t like the way the soundtrack was mixed… I couldn’t hear a lot of the dialogue because it was drowned out (so to speak) by the incredibly loud music and/or sound effects.

          Otherwise, an excellent film!

    12. Kathenus*

      I really enjoyed Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing Missouri – a dark comedy. Engaging, funny, thought-provoking.

    15. No Green No Haze*

      So many already mentioned are wonderful.

      I just saw ‘Girls Trip,’ which came out in….July? I remember having enjoyed the trailer & making a mental note to check it out, but forgot all about it during the summer when my income is low anyway. It was 100% hilarious in a completely raunchy, vulgar way that you definitely have to be in the mood for, which I was. I watched it twice in two days & laughed until I couldn’t breathe.

      Tiffany Haddish, who plays Dina, is a comedic genius, start to finish.

    16. Falling Diphthong*

      Logan. I’m usually eh on super hero movies–I’ve missed lots of them–but this one seems to unfold on a human scale. Like, dementia in someone with super mental powers is An Awkward Thing. A bit of Odysseus for grown-ups, where it’s less about the adventure and more about wanting to stop. And the little girl is great.

      And Lego Batman is just darn fun.

    17. Audiophile*

      For the last several years I’ve been going to the movies a lot. When I’m by myself, I tend to gravitate more toward indie films than mainstream/blockbuster films.

      So far in 2017, I’d say these are the best films I’ve seen:

      Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
      Ladybird
      Wind River
      The Big Sick
      The Lovers
      Ingrid Goes West
      Menashe
      Detroit

    18. Lilo*

      Spiderman: Homecoming. Tom Holland as Peter was pitch perfect, Michael Keaton was great in it. There’s just a completely amazing scene between the two in it I can’t really discuss without spoilers.

  5. Anonymous Pixie*

    Do you bullet journal, or journal at all? What resources did you find helpful for starting and/or what did you want to accomplish with it? Did you need a goal, or was the act of journaling enough for you?

    Some backstory: I’m trying to reinforce some boundaries with people who think that family should have no boundaries, and having a hard time with it. I thought journaling might help, and there are some other things that are concerning me, too (budgeting, mood, eating logs, getting enough water/exercise). I’m drawn to the monthly layouts for tracking, but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do that and accept my own — like, I don’t know, humanness about not doing everything every day?

    1. No Name Yet*

      I’ve not done bullet journaling, but as for setting goals – what about setting goals to do things X times per week or month? So I’ll exercise at least Y minutes Z times per week, or meet my goal of drinking Y amount of water 50% of the time. As you say, it is VERY human to not do everything every day, and having realistic expectations for yourself often means you’re more likely to meet them at all.

      1. Anonymous Pixie*

        I’m trying to be kind to myself about exercising– I’ve gone from zero exercising to intermittently exercising, but right now I’m aiming for 15/30 on cardio and 8/30 on weight lifting. I’m terrible about consistency, which is one of those overlying concerns I’m trying to reassure myself on.

    2. Asha*

      Novel coming:

      I bullet journal sporadically and I LOVE it. It took awhile for me to get into. I was already someone who journaled and needed that, but got too busy/got hit with a few tough life situations that I couldn’t bring myself to write down, even though that’s what I needed.

      Anyway. When I turned 24 I made a bunch of arbitrary goals – something that has worked for me in the past. When I turned 25, I’d met one of them, because they were all so large and I didn’t take any time to break them down into smaller steps. I thrive in a deadline-driven, clear progress environment – like the semesters of school or project-based work – but after graduating college and leaving contract/freelance work behind, I didn’t have any built-in progress steps and a year was just too long to digest for habit-building. Bullet journalling provided that monthly visual, and actually really helped me identify what’s standing in my way of accomplishing those little things that could help. I still have my 10-year, 5-year, and 1-year goals – but getting my daily mindfulness and intentionality under control has helped me so much. It’s also an easy place to track my health, which has been an ongoing hormone battle.

      When things get super busy I tend to set it aside until things are more manageable – I don’t like writing down the humanness (as you put it so well) of not being able to handle a super busy work month and watching my exercise habits fall apart. But I track about 3 weeks of every month on average, and it’s been a life changer. Also, I was worried about the humanness too – but when I started, I realized I accomplish so much more in a day than I thought I did – and all I really needed was to write that down and learn how to shift priorities and timing to get everything done that I wanted to.

    3. Marillenbaum*

      I bullet journal! The thing that got me started was just going to the original Bullet Journal website and getting familiar with the process. It is more important to get started than to get it right; it’s a flexible system that can encompass what you need it to. I use mine for daily tasks, but also for things like writing up sessions with my therapist, making sure I drink enough water, and planning my grocery shopping. I think the first things are: make monitoring its own habit (sometimes, setting an alarm to just sit down and review the thing). You won’t be perfect, and sometimes it is painful to see that nice lovely chain of habits get broken. But progress, not perfection, is the goal. You got this!

    4. a*

      I do. I use a weekly tracker for better flexibility, so that I can add and drop things. I try to be very flexible about it and build in as little rigidity or pre-planned pages as possible. My setup is like this one (not my post): https://www.reddit.com/r/bujo/comments/76hgun/minimalist_setup_for_my_weekly_to_do_list/

      One thing I do to track exercise without having a set schedule is I’ll just set up my weekly like that, write “exercise” in the to do column, and then mark each day that I exercise. If I want to schedule it, I can draw a checkbox for that day in advance, but I can still track unplanned exercise that way, too. It’s pretty great if you’re not consistent about whatever it is that you’re tracking.

      Best way to start imo is just to use a notebook you have lying around and any writing implement. A lot of people want to dive in with decorating and washi tape and expensive notebooks, but I think it’s more important to see if the system works for you first.

  6. PhyllisB*

    We lost our other dog this Monday (I shared in August about the first dog’s death.) This is the first time in 40 years we haven’t had a dog in our household.

    4. Kms1025*

      So very sorry for your loss…it’s a heart pain quite unlike any other…my sincerest sympathies :(

    7. Lauren R*

      I am so so sorry. Losing a beloved dog hurts like nothing else and to lose them both so close together must be awful. Your dogs were so lucky to have someone who cared for them and loved them so much, and I’m sure you made their time on earth wonderful and did all you could to make their end a peaceful one. I’m sending warm thoughts to you and your family!

    9. paul*

      sorry :( We still miss our two (one died in 2016, the other this year).

      Still keep expecting to step into one of them when I wake up in the morning. Stay strong and try to remember the good times

      1. PhyllisB*

        Paul, you are so right. The one we lost in August used to sleep with us. She would lay between my feet and when I got up I would have to do all these contortions to keep from hitting her. The other dog slept in the den, but when my husband got up to make coffee she would come back and stand by my side of the bed waiting for me to wake up. Then she would fling herself on the ground for a belly rub. Also, she hated the vacuum cleaner and would try to bite it whenever she saw it. Even if it wasn’t on. It felt so strange to not have a pyscho dog attacking while I vacumed today.

      2. Mallory Janis Ian*

        I got out my car earlier this week and started toward the house, and something caught my eye in such a way that, for a moment, I thought my German shepherd was coming out of the carport and up the sidewalk to the front door. For that moment, I thought, “Oh, she’s going to beat me to the door and be waiting on the porch for me to let her in.” She died ten years ago, and I still miss her. But it’s been a long time since a bit of movement caught from the corner of my eye has made it seem that she was actually there.

        1. JulieBulie*

          OMG, I experienced that so many times for the first few years. I kept thinking that I saw her out of the corner of my eye, or if I turned around really quickly she would still be there. I thought it was just me.

    10. Athena*

      I’m so sorry. It’s such a horrible feeling. Sending lots of hugs – the grief over losing a pet is so real.

      1. PhyllisB*

        I’m responding to Elizabeth, but this is to all of you; thank you so much for all the kind expressions of sympathy. And the hugs!! :-) This why I love this site. All of you are so kind to those in need. I wish we could all meet up and have lunch or something. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season.

    16. JulieBulie*

      I’m so sorry. 10+ years later and I still miss my dear doggie every day. There is no welcome-home greeting quite like the one you get from a dog.

  7. Holiday Elf*

    I have a friend who is going through some financial difficulties lately. Won’t go too much into it but basically she’s a freelancer who has been having trouble getting a regular workload. She was telling me about some of her financial worries, and it got me thinking about the upcoming holiday season. We both celebrate Christmas and have exchanged gifts for years. I’m in a stable full-time position, therefore I have a much better financial situation than her currently. I tried to mention to her that I didn’t mind if we didn’t do a gift exchange this year with her being low on funds but she was insistent we still do it, because she loves Christmas and loves exchanging gifts.

    With her financial difficulties, I can’t decide whether I should get her something more practical that she could use or something more fun. On the one hand I should get her something practical because that would be more useful than something silly and fun. But on the other hand, if all of her money is going into necessities at the moment and nothing fun, maybe I should get her something frivolous since she can’t get it for herself. (My own personal preference is to get fun gifts, not practical gifts since most people in my life just get what they need without waiting for it to be gifted) My original plan before I realized her financial worries was a fun geeky shirt and action figure, but she doesn’t NEED that; what she could probably use that’s practical for her life is a new cooking pan or a big supply of her favorite coffee. Which is better to get for a friend who is going through money troubles this holiday season?

    1. Anonymous Pixie*

      I’d vote for the supply of favorite coffee and maybe the action figure if you know it’s someone she loves loves loves? Coffee is a luxury as much as it’s a need, sometimes, so I feel like it skates the edge between fun and practical in a good way, if that makes sense?

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I vote for being frivolous. A gift that’s too useful carries a bit of pity with it, it might feel like it’s implying she needs it. (Even if she does, it’s not a fun reminder.) You can still help her out the rest of the year by taking her out to eat, inviting her over to eat, “regifting” new clothes you don’t want if you’re the same size, etc.

      1. Holiday Elf*

        That’s actually a really good point; I didn’t think that a useful gift could be seen as a pity gift. I think that’s even why she was against the idea of not exchanging gifts. I don’t need a gift from her so I was saying it to ease her mind but she said ‘No way! We are doing gifts!’

        Thank you for that point of view.

    3. Asha*

      Maybe coffee and a frivolous geeky-themed mug or travel cup? Coffee is a great gift to me that, while I need coffee every moment of the day, I don’t usually consider a boring practical gift. You could get an assortment of coffees for her to try to make it more fun! The mug or travel cup would also qualify as practical, but those are always fun to choose.

      1. Atgo*

        I had a similar recent dilemma and gave my friend a gift certificate to one of her favorite restaurants and one for a fun activity. She and I had talked about her troubles a lot, so I knew that she was consciously giving up those things in order to save money. It turned out really well!

    6. nep*

      I’ve got financial troubles this holiday season — best gift for me would be a gift card from either Trader Joe’s or the health food store I frequent. But that’s just me. I can imagine some might want that ‘extra’ thing they would not buy for themselves — something special and fun.
      I love the idea of her favourite coffee — in a way it fits both bills. Saves her having to spend money on coffee, and it’s special.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I saw that same win/win with the coffee idea. OP, you might find other ideas similar to this, something she would use but it’s a nice item to receive anyway.

    8. MissDissplaced*

      Maybe instead of a thing, how about an experience? Like tickets to a concert or other event or place such as a museum or festival. If you have a higher budget, even a hotel room stay or spa visit.
      Sometimes this type of thing is better than “stuff” especially when you’re low on finds.

    9. Lauren R*

      I definitely wouldn’t go for just something practical but I think you could find a way to make something practical fun too! Could you get her the coffee and a fun geeky mug or two to drink it in? Or the pan (only if she actually likes to cook; I wouldn’t recommend getting it if it’s obviously just a “necessary” gift) with some of those little cookie cutter things for making pancakes/whatever else in shapes from her favorite geeky franchise? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen ones that are shaped like Captain America’s shield and stuff like that. Etsy’s a good place to find that kind of stuff! Or instead of the pan (or in addition to it) you could get her a cookbook that’s got simple, cheap dishes that are “fun” to make and maybe some plates that are geeky themed to serve them on.

      If you get her a pan, go for one that’s like a “jumbo 5qt cooker” (or something along those lines) – they can be used as frying pans but have tall sides AND a lot of them are meant for in-oven use too! They’re awesome because you can use them for so many things and it makes for fewer dishes; you can make most of your meal in just the one pan even if it requires lots of different steps.

      And no matter what you give her, I think the best gift would be to include a thoughtful card telling her how much she means to you and that you’re rooting for her and think she’s great – not in a pitying way of course but just as her friend who loves her! My dad sent me a note like that for new year’s forever ago and I’m not even sure I still have the note itself but I remember it really well, because it meant a lot to hear at a time I was so overwhelmed.

      I’m sure no matter what you get your friend, she’ll just be happy that you’re there to celebrate the holidays with her! You’ll find something great so try not to stress too much – I don’t think that’s what she wanted out of the gift exchange! :)

    10. JDusek*

      This is the case with my brother and I usually do a combination of both. Fun and practical. I did an all practical gift, a few years back, and he was extremely mad about it. Bonus points that the gift is fun and practical.

    11. Snazzy Hat*

      I vote for coffee. If you can swing it, get an assortment of coffees from elsewhere. Doesn’t have to be fancy shmancy, just coffees she wouldn’t expect because they aren’t from your area. For example, Victoria Gallery coffee from Niagara-on-the-Lake, Stumptown coffee from Portland, and Café du Monde coffee from New Orleans.

    12. Observer*

      Maybe a combination?

      Like maybe a Starbucks gift card that will cover a month of one of their really good coffees. Or a big supply of her favorite coffee plus a supply of other coffees you think she’d like. Or a gift card to a place like Whole Foods – helps cover her food bill, but would give her a chance to experiment with some more expensive stuff she might not be able to afford otherwise.

  8. Norway!!!*

    hi folks, I’m heading to Oslo for about three days in December. My friends have booked a hotel near the Central train station. I would appreciate recommendations for things to do – hopefully a mix of touristy and non touristy things? I like hiking, and am also interested in the Vikings museums there. Quaint bookstores, interesting (vegetarian) food, places nearby we could take the train to… all suggestions are welcome. Thank you :)

    1. CAA*

      December will be cold and dark, so I’m not sure how much hiking you’ll be able to do.

      The Viking ship museum is in the Bygdøy area. You can get there by taking a public ferry from the piers behind city hall. The same ferry also makes another stop (or you can walk about 20 minutes) at the Kon-Tiki and Fram museums, both of which are interesting. The museums are small and you can visit all three in less than a day.

      Ugla Bar is a cool book-ish place to have coffee or a drink in the afternoon.

      1. Going back, can you tell?*

        I was there in October, and the ferries had just stopped running for the winter, so I took the bus. It was already pretty cold and it rains a lot though, so be prepared for a certain amount of waiting around in the weather for public transportation (which is excellent). I got the 3-day Oslo pass, which covered all public transportation in the city (not to and from the airport though) and all museums – it was definitely worth it for me!

    2. Going back, can you tell?*

      The Vigeland sculpture park is one of the most beautiful, moving places I have ever been. His depiction of human emotion and connection is honest and stunning. They’re massive and overwhelming but so familiar at the same time. That’s my top recommendation. Also, if you’re interested in architecture, the Opera House is bonkers and amazing, you can climb it like a marble mountain (slippery though!) and the view is spectacular. Oslo is so beautiful, I bet December will be a lovely time to be there. Pay attention to the City Hall bell carillon at the top of the hour – they play a little tune and it changes all the time – for instance when Bowie died the bell-ringer adapted a couple bars of “Changes” for the bells, so you never know what you might hear!

    3. Sarah G*

      I second the Vigeland sculpture park, which is extraordinary. Also the Nobel Museum, which I thought was fascinating.

    4. Sarah G*

      Also, I’m not sure where you live and what your exchange rate is, but I live in the U.S. and was astounded by how expensive Norway is. I’m sure you’ve heard this before, and the Norwegian Krone is quite a bit weaker now that when I was there in 2011, but be prepared for some sticker shock.

    5. boris*

      Definitely get the bus to Bygdøy and go to the Viking Ship Museum and the Museum of Cultural History. The Vigelandsparken is great. The National Gallery was also great. If I were there again, I would happily give up a spend a day getting the train to Bergen and then coming straight back! It was incredibly beautiful.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I was going to recommend the Viking Ship Museum and the Kon-Tiki as well. It has been some years since I was last in Oslo, but I can remember having lots of money and it not going very far. (It was replicated this year in Copenhagen)

    6. Reba*

      We did a tour of the Oslo opera house which was awesome! Seconding that suggestion. If you are into architecture even a little bit this is strongly recommended. Plus it’s mostly indoors ;)

      I also enjoyed the Kon-tiki museum–that history is so bizarre and fascinating.

      It will not be easy to eat vegetarian food, or at least it was not in 2013. There are quite a few restaurants doing local and “new traditional” foods which are really exciting, but often meaty too. Not to mention costly! (Also be ready to see whale on some menus. I know it is a cultural thing for Norwegians but it was really disturbing to me.) We ended up eating picnic food for most of our trip, punctuated by Indian places when we needed to dine out.

      If you are into craft beers there are several nice ones made in Norway–make sure to get to the vinmonopolet during their rather limited hours!

      We loved Norway and I hope you have a great time!

  9. Kat*

    I had three dates with the same guy in the last week. We met on Friday, again on Saturday and then again on Wednesday. We got on really well and he seems into me. However, he’s just gone away for a month for Christmas to stay with family (a planned trip from before we met). He has said we’ll keep in touch and that he wants to see me when he’s back, but it’s just such a new thing that I can’t help worrying that won’t happen. I guess I just have to wait and see, and I know I can’t force anything. I don’t even want to. I just like him and think it might be a good thing? But… it’s a long time. Oh well, not much I can do except keep myself occupied, enjoy Christmas and see what happens. I guess my optimism about dating is so low that I just tend to assume the worst!

    Has this sort of situation ever happened to anyone?

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      I first met my husband a couple of weeks before Christmas–first week in December or so? Then we both went away for a few weeks and didn’t see each other again until January. We chatted the whole time we were far away, started dating for real in January, and we’ve been married four years now. I did pretty much what you did–kept myself occupied, enjoyed Christmas, and just waited to see what happened!

      1. Kat*

        That sounds a good approach! He’s not great at texting, and doesn’t use WhatsApp, so I find that a bit tricky (is he just being rubbish? Is he just ignoring me? That’s what dating in your 30s does to you, hah). He did say he preferred to talk on the phone, so maybe next week I will give him a call to say hi.

    2. Artemesia*

      yes, long long ago and the best way to spend that month would be to go on any other date that comes your way. Like jobs, things happen when you aren’t obsessing and desperate so anything you can do to chill and just assume nothing will happen till it does will be good. If a friend offers to set you up or if you have a chance to meet people at Christmas parties go for it.

      1. Kat*

        Yeah, I may do. I had the possibility of another date, but the guy and I intimated that we wouldn’t go on any others and see what happened. So I feel probably I shouldn’t? But at the same time, you’re right. I guess just going won’t do any harm.

        1. Rainy*

          Pretty much, if you have not mutually and explicitly had a discussion on being exclusive, in those exact words, and both committed to it, I wouldn’t consider yourself exclusive because observation and experience indicate that he likely won’t.

          1. Kat*

            Yeah, not my first time at the rodeo so I suppose I ought to be realistic. I mean, I am. But we did at least discuss seeing how things go so I feel confident that when he’s back we can meet up again.

    3. Coffeelover*

      I haven’t been in that exact situation but I think it’s really important that you don’t focus or think too much about him over the holidays. He’s presumably got a lot of things planned and being so far away from home makes you forget about your regular life and all the things you would/should do. It’s really easy for him to not text at all or not text as much while he’s on this trip. I dont think that reflects on how much he likes you or is interested. If you don’t hear from him, I think it’s totally fine to send some standard messages, which are really easy to come up with over the holidays. Ie, “merry Xmas! I hope you’re enjoying your trip!” Even if you totally forget about him and don’t hear from him, just send a message when you know he’s back. Ask him how his holiday was and if he’s still interested in meeting up again. As you said, either it works or it doesn’t at that point but don’t torture yourself over the holidays waiting for him to message you. (For all we know though, he might end up messaging you too much!)

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Go about your ordinary life as best as possible.

      If he feels like you do, he WILL be back. I met my husband working in a seasonal vacation town. At the end of the season, I went home which was almost 200 miles away. Yep, we stayed in touch and did not lose sight of each other. I moved up here permanently and we got married. These things can work out, for sure.

      I found it helpful to trust that it would go the way it was supposed to go. While we did not promise not to date before I moved up here, we both indicated that we really were not interested in meeting others. Since we did not discuss it further I have no idea if he saw other people or not. I am guessing not, but I would not have been upset to find out he did. My thinking was that we should figure out NOW if we did not want a long term thing rather than figuring out much later into the relationship… ugh.

    5. Phillipa*

      I went through something like this two years ago. We went on a few dates over the last two weeks before he left for Europe (where his family lives) for a month. It was so weird to have built up a bit of momentum and then…nothing. We messaged sporadically for the month (but he was also terrible at that and also didn’t have Internet access for most of his trip). I tried not to think of him and focused on my family and myself. When he came back, we got together right away and have been dating ever since! Now we both laugh about how weird it was to miss the other person when we had essentially just met. Of course I wouldn’t attribute our relationship success to that initial month of separation, but it definitely didn’t hurt us in the long term.

      1. Kat*

        That does make me feel a bit better! I mean, obviously I can’t say if we’d work out long term, but I’d like the chance to find out.

    6. Javert*

      I went on two dates with my boyfriend before going on a pre-planned holiday. Bizarrely, the same thing happened to my close friend as well. We are all still with our partners. A couple of cute texts do the trick, if there is a spark there, it’ll hopefully still be there a month from now

    7. ScarlettNZ*

      I met my now partner about 8 weeks before he left NZ to go on sabbitical for 6 months. For most of that time he was in Bordeaux (how terrible lol). I ended up visiting him for about three weeks and when he returned, we continued to see each other. That was 10 years ago :-)

      1. Kat*

        Six months! That is a long time. Actually, this guy invited me over to Ireland (where he’s gone) over Christmas but I am not sure he was serious. In any case, I said no because I’m always with my family at Christmas.

    8. Christy*

      Yes! My wife left for a month about 10 days after we started dating. We definitely (obviously) kept in touch over that time, and absence definitely made the heart fonder.

    9. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I met my husband the day before I left town for three weeks. We met through mutual connections (my sister worked with his mother, we all wound up at the same event), and flirted all night. But we were both too anxious/unsmooth/whatever to exchange numbers.

      So the next day I asked my sister to ask his mother to give him my number (awwwwwkward; we were in our late 20s, not middle school as you might guess based on our ineptitude). He didn’t call, and I was surprised because it had seemed so clear that we hit it off.

      But when I got back in town, there was a handwritten letter waiting for me, with his number and an invitation for a first date. He’d written it the day after we met, but of course I’d been away and not seen it.

      So we both spent the three weeks I was away wondering why the other person hadn’t called. Ha!

      1. Kat*

        That’s a good story! I am thinking of calling the guy to say hello (he said he preferred to talk on the phone) but anxious because if he doesn’t answer I’ll naturally think he’s ignoring me, hah.

    10. JanetM*

      Not quite the same, but my husband and I met at a science fiction convention, fell in love by the end of the weekend, and went back to our respective homes about 2,000 miles apart (East Tennessee to Arizona, USA). We were long-distance for 18 months, only meeting up in person three times for a total of less than two weeks.

      I finally made the decision to move to Tennessee.

      We’ve been together ever since (met in 1988, moved in together 1990, married 1991).

      I hope your new friendship works out in positive ways.

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      A sad fate for a cute teapot.

      Does anyone else have the reaction of “that’s not my teapot?” My mental image of chocolate teapots involves less spherical vessels.

  11. nep*

    Weightlifting world championships underway. Love watching these brilliant athletes who work their asses off day in and day out. Beautiful stuff.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I love weightlifting. Something about the combination of speed and clarity — by which I mean, it’s clear which number is higher, and almost always clear whether a lift qualifies or not. Ironic, since I also love baseball, which is kind of the opposite, in that it’s incredibly slow, and while it can be clear, there are often a lot of near-misses (a foul ball vs. a home run) or very close calls by the umpires that can swing a game one way or the other.

      But there’s no sport as straightforward as weightlifting. Except maybe track, but only the dashes.

    2. GoryDetails*

      While the world-championship weightlifters are awesome, I admit that my favorite weightlifting contest is the World’s Strongest Man series – I find it more interesting to watch them hefting different objects around than working with the standard weights.

    3. paul*

      Rebook Record Breakers just happened for powerlifting too; judging was a bit generous but it was consistent throughout the meet, and a lot of those lifts were just amazing.

      1. nep*

        Cool. Good that the judging was consistent. Too generous or too harsh is easier to take if it’s consistent for all lifters.

        1. paul*

          I gotta say, the funnest part was watching youtube commentators who I doubt have deadlifted 500 lbs telling a 900 lb deadlifter that they don’t know what they’re doing.

  12. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

    This time next week we will be somewhere over the Atlantic on our way to New York. We’ve never been, but the friends we are going with have been before, so we’re relying on them to guide us. The itinerary is pretty full (we’re there for four nights, and we seem to have included a couple of activities the moment we land – never mind the jetlag! – I’m denying all knowledge; I was playing with a doll’s house when most of the activities were being planned!)
    The main thing I’m concerned about is actually getting around NY. We’re in our 30s, and our friends are happy walking everywhere. Hubby’s family (who have also been to NY) are aghast at the idea of walking ANYWHERE, but they’re in their 70s.
    What’s your view on this, please? Do I need to budget for taxis/the subway/a tour bus?!!?!

    1. Kms1025*

      New York is BIG…walking is fine but budget should allow for some public transportation…everybody gets tired eventually :)

    2. Dan*

      Plan for the subway and walking. NYC is too big to literally walk everywhere. You may use Uber or a taxi, but those are optional. Taxis can be hard to get at rush hour. However, taxis aren’t a bad option for a group of people from the airport.

      Although, Ill note that the economics of taxis change a bit with a group.

      One thing to keep in mind is that NYC will be cool if not chilly. Temps are expected to be between 0 and 5 c next week… Which is actually quite pleasant for this time of year.

      1. Effie, who is worth it*

        Ooh yes, plan at least a 15 minute cushion for transportation time (don’t listen to Google. It lies. Add at least 15 minutes onto the ETA it gives you, if not half an hour).

    3. Peggy*

      Plan on taking Uber or Lyft or subway a few times a day. When we go to nyc a few times a year we walk a TON but tend to cover a lot of ground and take cars for the longer journeys. Like a few weeks ago we spent a morning walking around NOLITA near our hotel but took the subway up to MOMA, walked partway back then grabbed a Lyft to take us the rest of the way. NYC is huge – as not-very-in-shape-but-able-bodied travelers we probably walk 10 miles in a full day of sightseeing and take 1-3 Ubers.

      1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

        Oh wow, and now there’s an extra level of learning involved – what’s NOLITA and MOMA?!
        (sorry – colour me naive, but as mentioned, I live in a village of 6000 people)

        1. Bryce*

          NoLita apparently is a neighborhood “north of Little Italy” MOMA is the Museum of Modern Art.

          Sounds like you’re from a town about as big as the one I grew up in (8,000 people) so my best advice is to prepare to be overwhelmed. Haven’t been to NYC but that was my experience in Paris.

        2. NaoNao*

          MOMA is the MOdern Museum of Art. Nolita is NOrth of Little ITAly. You will encounter many more such abbreviations. I’d suggest firing up Google or another search engine and doing some background research here; you’ll enjoy your stay a lot more if you’re not befuddled through half of it :)

        3. Peggy*

          Tons of acronyms in NYC. i’ll post a link in my next comment! I can’t vouch for all of them (like the fire hydrant one lol) but SoHo, NoHo, stuff like that is all helpful.

          Can I also recommend if you have decent weather that you walk the high line? It’s amazing – cool views and art along the walk. Will post a link about that too.

    4. Triplestep*

      I grew up in NYC (don’t live there now) and I think you will want to be flexible about how you get places, and base the decision on the scheduled activities. Walking and/or subway will allow you to take in more of the city and do some things spontaneously, but if you have a pre-planned activity with a start time, grabbing a taxi will make things less stressful. Planning to take a taxi will also allow you to enjoy the *current* activity longer without having to strategize over how long the walk will take you. To me, this is the best way to optimize a vacation.

      My husband and I are both city people; we recently had plans to go to another city an hour away to see a performance. We planned on taking the commuter rail and subway, but when we worked out the schedule (it was a weeknight and we both have weekday jobs) we discovered that we’d be better off driving into that city and using a parking garage. We were dejected at first because it seems wrong to us to forgo public transit when it’s available, but it would have made the whole evening rushed and much less pleasant. So we gave ourselves permission to do a non-city thing (drive) and we weren’t sorry. I think your situation is comparable. When needed, just give yourself permission to take a taxi and consider it part of the experience.

    5. Lcsa99*

      I would definitely budget for trains, but that doesn’t have to be that much, depending on how long you’ll be there. If you get a pay per ride card, you can use just one card for your whole group each time you use it (with a weekly card you’d have to wait 18 minutes after each swipe) . You can use it on any train or bus (with a few exceptions) so if you decide to suddenly change plans and go in another direction, the weather goes bad and you don’t feel like walking or you’ve just had a long day, having a metro card on hand gives you some flexibility.

      I would not really recommend a tour bus, but I personally prefer having more flexibility, so it just depends on your preferences. There is so much to see and do, I think you’d enjoy it all more if you focus on what’s important to you and see them at your leisure.

    6. Temperance*

      I love New York, but you’ll definitely need to plan for taxis. What are you doing while you’re in the city?

      1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

        We’ve got a full itinerary! It’s all the usual (from what I understand) touristy stuff – visiting Central Park, the Statue of Liberty, Times Square, the Empire State Building – if it’s a cliche we’re probably doing it!
        Where we are staying is supposed to be a few blocks from Times Square, but I have no frame of reference for how big a block is!
        Hubby and I have done London a few times (he has family down there), but really I am a small town Northern UK girl (frame of reference, the village where I live has a population of just over 5000; I was born in a town of 100,000 and that felt huge!) so I’m prepared to be overwhelmed; hence the request for advice! Thanks to all!

        1. ThursdayNext*

          In general a city block is 1/8 of a mile (1/5 a kilometer, although if I remember correctly the UK has some mixed use of the metric and imperial systems)
          You should check out the museums as well; if nothing else it’s a good way to warm up after being outside in the cold.

        2. Natalie*

          This might seem like weird advice, but plan on using the toilet whenever you get an opportunity. There really aren’t public toilets to speak of in the US and in Manhattan in particular. If you need a toilet while you’re out and about I believe Starbucks is still generally fine with people using their bathrooms, although it is nice to buy something or at least throw some money in the tip jar.

          1. Effie, who is worth it*

            I agree. Just in case here are public toilets I can think of!

            Penn Station (Enter from 8th Ave at 34th or 35th St)
            Any New York Public Library (NYPL) branch (you have to ask for the key at the front desk but they won’t give you a hard time)
            Paragon Sports (an athletic goods store) just north of Union Square, on Broadway between E 17th St and 18th St
            Macy’s at Herald Square (34th St, between 6th Ave/Broadway & 7th Ave)

          2. Lizabeth*

            Most hotel lobbies have restrooms available, the trick is to act like you’re staying there when you walk in and to figure out where it is without asking…can be done!

        3. WillyNilly*

          Generally 20 blocks (“streets”)or 4 Avenues = 1 mile. Its not a hard & fast rule, but a safe estimation. So for example the Empire State Building is at 34th St, Times Square is 42nd St (and up), so about 1/2 a mile. Central Park then starts at 59th St and goes up to 110 or so (but no one does the whole park in a day!)

          A hint – if you sre wary about walkiwwwj,civvies ccc” ng, hiw do you feel about stairs? Because the Statue of Liberty has no elevators, its all stairs.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I only went to NYC once. If you are there with people who know their way around it will be fine. I remember going down to the subway, riding, and popping up somewhere else. I don’t think we ever walked more than a couple blocks. We used a taxi to the train station. And I remember thinking this navigation thing would take me a while to learn.
      If your hubby’s fam has limited navigating abilities, then you should mention that to your hosts ASAP. It could work out that the older folk may opt out of afternoon activities and just do morning activities or visa versa.
      NYC is a high energy place, it could be that the folks get infected with this energy and the whole thing is a non-issue.

    8. Lore*

      You can cover a lot more ground if you plan to walk somewhere and then take public transit back–so, say, walk from your hotel to the Met museum but then take a bus or train back. One thing to know about cabs is that they’ll only take four people (Uber is different) so if your group is 5, don’t count on being able to share a cab. But if you’re mostly keeping to central Manhattan, for four people a cab won’t cost that much more than the subway. I’d say maybe budget for about 2 subway rides or 1 cab ride per day (so about $6-10 per person per day). If you’re staying close to Penn
      Station you can take the train from either Newark or JFK airport without a huge hassle–though cabs from both are flat fare so again for a group of 4 it may be just as easy to take a cab. (I think it’s $40 from JFK and $60 from Newark.) Those don’t apply going back to the airport though so you might want to arrange a shuttle through your hotel.

      Pack comfortable shoes, ideally waterproof ones. This time of year you probably won’t see snow but slushy rain is a possibility and there’s a lot of clogged gutters and such.

    9. It happens*

      It all depends… depending on where you’re staying and what activities you’ve planned. Generally, walking, subway and buses will get you where you’re going in the most efficient manner (as long as you’re not staying somewhere far from a subway.)
      Google maps does a very good job of public transit routing – and even gives live arrival time updates when available.
      Trains/buses cost $2.75/trip (transfers b/w subway and bus allowed within two hours) and a weekly pass costs $32. Ferries are also $2.75 but no transfers to subways. Each couple putting money on a pay-per ride card (as suggested above) is a good idea- the remaining balance is displayed each time you use it so you know when to put more money on it.
      Have a great trip!

      1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

        Thanks everyone! This is awesome advice!
        I know I could get a lot by googling, but in my experience, it’s possible to get so many mixed results, and I know that at least SOME of the AAM has to be in the NY area :-) that I’d rather get advice straight from the horses’ mouths.
        I’ve not quite worked up excitement yet (work issues that would be vetoed by the nature of this thread), but we’ve got our clothes folded in piles ready for the practise packing now, and with all the extra (last minute!) info from you guys, it’s feeling more real now! eep!

    10. K.*

      You don’t need to budget for a tour bus unless you want to take a tour – that’s entertainment, not transportation. You should definitely budget for public transportation. I would get an unlimited MetroCard for the time you’re there; it’s the most cost-efficient way to get around. You can walk all over NYC but not everything is within walking distance, if that makes sense. It’s too big to walk literally everywhere. You may want to take cabs too, but if you have a budget I wouldn’t make them the main form of transportation.

    11. NYC*

      My suggestion is to try and plan to do things that are close together together so you can walk then take the train or cab somewhere else and repeat; that way you minimize the travel time. Something to keep in mind, it’s pretty easy to go north-south by subway; east-west is can be much faster to ake a cab. But part of the (unfortunately dying) charm of NYC is walking and finding gems of architecture, funky stores etc. Also, I’m not adverse to cars, but there are times,especially now the holidays are close, that traffic is awful; Times Square, around the Rockefeller tree, in particular.

    12. Effie, who is worth it*

      If you need a ride somewhere, my favorite app is Juno. I’ve found it to be the cheapest out of Lyft, Uber and Juno. If it’s freezing or raining you’re not going to want to try hailing a taxi, trust me (that is an NYC experience you can live without!).
      If you’re not in a hurry, and you’re in Manhattan south of 125th St, Via is a most cost-effective app. It’s a ride-share app so they may pick up other people on the way to getting you to your destination but it’s super cost-effective (outside of rush hour/late night it’s only $6 a ride and I’ve never paid more than $12).

      1. NYC*

        Via now goes all the way to the northern end of Manhattan, which means you could take it if you were going to visit the Cloisters.

    13. Sunflower*

      NYC is walkable but also very large. They have an amazing public transportation system so it’s not worth it to try to walk everywhere. I don’t live in NYC but I travel there bi-weekly for work and I will only take cabs if the subway isn’t convenient or I’m carrying a bunch of crap. Cabs often times take longer than the subway- you can sit in a cab for 20 minutes to go 4 blocks. So if you’re going a longer distance- like WTC to Times Square, definitely opt for the subway. Even shorter distances- I take the subway from Penn Station to Times Square because its faster than a cab. The subway is reliable enough- most of tourist areas have multiple lines running there that can get you to the same place. If you haven’t already, check the MTA website and see how the subway map lines up with your itinerary.

      I’d recommend getting the unlimited week pass for $32. Single ride tickets are $3 so if you plan to take the subway or bus 10 times, it pays for itself. And you can take the subway short distance and not worry about budgeting that in.

      Enjoy- NYC is amazing

    14. Mousemaker*

      Oh have fun! I just got back from a weekend trip to NYC to visit my friend and see the Christmas decorations! To repeat what everyone has said, definitely budget for public transportation and the occasional Lyft/Uber/Taxi. Make sure when mapping your routes you also budget an extra 30 minutes into your travel time-there are often delays on the subway and traffic can slow to a snail’s pace for many reasons (this weekend everyone got caught up in protest traffic due to the President being in town).
      I love walking through the city-I’m a big walker and enjoy planning my day in a way that involves walks to points of interest to take in as much city as I can-but if you’re traveling with people who don’t like to walk as much or simply can’t, I recommend planning your itinerary that you group your sightseeing destinations geographically so you’re not traversing a huge area and only need to plan on getting to and from the general location. That’s easy to do in NYC since it’s so dense with things to do. Plus if the weather is nice you can build in real time at the parks or in colder weather at cafes/restaurants/bakeries.
      Also as a heads up, I’m sure you will want to see the Christmas decor as well especially at places like the Rockefeller center and 5th avenue, but it gets crowded. I got caught in a massive crowd of people around Saks Fifth Avenue that made made it impossible to move-human bumper to bumper traffic that felt like being wrapped in an aggressive blanket. I would suspect it’s better on the weekdays so I would recommend seeing those lights on a weekday night and looking at the window displays during the day (the Saks fifth avenue is particularly beautiful-it has a Disney’s Snow White theme). But if you get claustrophobic I might suggest avoiding it entirely. And definitely check out the Christmas markets like at Union square and Bryant park if you get a chance! They also get a bit crowded but not too terrible!

    15. ANON who loves to give food recs*

      Born and raised New Yorker here!

      Subway subway subway! It is easily the #1 way to get around NYC, and if you’ll be staying near Times Square then you’ll have access to nearly every subway line. Download the free subway map onto your phone beforehand for reference. Personally, I wouldn’t recommend taxis as they’re so much more expensive and taking the subway is part of the NY experience! (Also, Lyft/Via, etc. will usually be cheaper than a taxi.)

      Your itinerary sounds pretty packed as it is (keep in mind that Times Square, Statue of Liberty, Central Park, etc. are all in very different locations. For reference, it would take about 35+ min to get from Times Square to Statue of Liberty/Battery Park). I recommend mapping out where it is you want to go, and using Google to estimate how much time it’ll take to get from place to place so you can maximize your itinerary.

      Other top touristy things to do if you have time:
      Museums: The Met, Museum of Natural History, MoMa, Whitney
      Shopping in Soho (SOuth of HOuston – pronounced “house-ton,” not like the Texas city)
      Try food around the LES (Lower East Side)
      Walk the High Line – a park built on a railroad track elevated above the streets
      See the holiday shops at Union Square, Bryant Park, and/or Columbus Circle
      See Grand Central, Washington Square Park, 9/11 Memorial
      Brooklyn Flea + Smorgasburg (in Brooklyn)

      I know this was something you didn’t ask about, but I feel strongly that the best thing about NYC is the food. I could probably write a forever-long list of places to try, but at a minimum here are some delicious eats to definitely go to if you’re nearby!
      Levain Bakery, DO cookie dough, Doughnut Plant, Doughnut Project, Momofuku Milk Bar (try the crack pie), Rice to Riches (rice pudding – trust me on this), Spot Desserts, Aux Merveilleux de Fred (meringue – also trust me on this), Two Little Red Hens, Ice & Vice, Ample Hills Creamery, Lloyd’s Carrot Cake. More touristy options include Black Tap Craft Burgers & Milkshakes, Magnolia’s, Dylan’s Candy Bar and Economy Candy. If you happen to be in Brooklyn, then Four & Twenty Blackbirds is amazing.

      1. Sputnik*

        Super late to the party but I absolutely recommend downloading Citymapper to navigate – I find it much more reliable than Google Maps. The MTA is always changing subway service, especially on weekends, and I find that Google Maps doesn’t always stay on top of those changes. It also is pretty good at telling you when the next train or bus will arrive at a particular stop – people complain about the bus system all the time, but I actually find it quite useful when coupled with a good navigation app to tell me what routes to take :P

        (Not so great at navigating outside major metropolitan areas – it’ll get me around the NYC/NJ area but if I’m driving up to my friends’ cabin upstate it just shrugs)

  13. The Cosmic Avenger*

    I’m binge-watching Nurse Jackie (Season 2, no spoilers!), spouse and I just started The Sopranos, and we’re loving The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Amazon).

    What are you watching lately?

    1. nep*

      A Malian TV series I didn’t know about till last week. Fortunately (or unfortunately) looks like all the episodes are on YouTube. I’ve had to keep pushing that pause button to stay on this side of the black hole.
      It’s quite good, though.

    2. bassclefchick*

      My husband and I are almost caught up on Chance. Bit violent, but I love Hugh Laurie. I’m watching Mindhunter because I love true crime. I want to watch The Handmaiden’s Tale. We also have seen all of the Marvel shows. The Punisher is WAY more violent than the rest, but still enjoyable.

      And hopefully, I’ll finish the last 2 episodes of season 5 of Orange is the New Black. Somehow, this season has been harder for me to get through.

      Oh, and I REALLY can’t wait for season 2 of The Crown!!

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Oooh, I’m glad you mentioned Chance! My spouse and I are caught up on Mindhunter, and I had heard of Chance but forgot to add it to my list, so that is another one we could watch together. (We also are caught up on OitNB and The Handmaid’s Tale; I watch all the Marvel shows, but on my own.)

    3. GoryDetails*

      I’ve been binge-watching the various Great [insert country here] Bake Off shows. I’m in the US, where the first three seasons of the British show have not aired – odd, as the more recent seasons have become a major hit here – but I found the earlier ones online and enjoyed them thoroughly. Also loved the Great Australian Bake Off. Am now peeved because there’s a Canadian version currently airing, but it isn’t available outside Canada, so I guess I’ll have to hope it gets wider play once the original season’s over. I can’t get enough of the nearly-always-upbeat and charming contestants – and the usually-droolworthy food!

      1. Artemesia*

        I am watching the British bake off shoes on netflix; they start with the 4th season. Where did you find the first 3? WE love them and are surprised as when you can’t taste it seems like odd TV, but the way they show the plans etc along the way makes it interesting. I like the fact that the people are pleasant and helpful to each other; so different from the truly annoying whiny twits on Project Runway. The twins on that show may have done it for me; I don’t know if I will watch again. I haven’t seen any of the others US/Canada/Australian — but the British show is fun.

        1. GoryDetails*

          The first three British Bake Off seasons appeared in various YouTube or other videos, which I found via extensive Googling and some trial-and-error. I did look for official versions – heck, I’d have bought the DVDs if they were available in US-player format – but wound up catching most of them via YouTube. There’s another site called DailyMotion where I caught most of the Australian episodes, though a few didn’t seem to be available anywhere.

          1. ProfessorPlum*

            Thanks for mentioning DailyMotion. I’ve started watching the Great British Bake-Off season 1 this afternoon where I hadn’t previously been able to find it.

        2. Middle School Teacher*

          Those twins killed me. The day they sent Claire packing was the best episode of the season!

        1. GoryDetails*

          I can see the web site, but it won’t let me watch the videos, as it recognizes my ISP as out-of-country. I imagine there are ways to get around that, but I’d rather wait and see if the series airs on my cable once it’s finished its original run in Canada. (That, or take a trip across the border with my laptop and binge-watch then {wry grin}.) I did enjoy some of the supplemental materials on the Canadian-channel web site, which includes a blog by someone who attempts – with hilariously little success – to replicate some of the challenges at home.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            I’m also a huge fan of All the Bake-Offs so I’m glad the Canadian One has been good, and I haven’t given up hope for a drop-in from Mary Berry!

            If you do decide not to wait, I’ve had success with the hola chrome extension ;)

    4. Marillenbaum*

      I’m loving The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel! I’m also working my way through Bates Motel, because Vera Farmiga is AMAZING and tears up the scenery.

    5. Jen RO*

      I started watching American Horror Story and I just finished season 2. I don’t love it, but it’s good for when I am bored. I am planning to watch Dark next – it’s a German series so it will also help with my language skills!

      My “regular” (ongoing) series are South Park, The Walking Dead and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m watching and loving iZombie. I gave up on it the first time I tried as I was upset by something that happened in series 1 (which I hear the makers now regret!) but decided to try again after rewatching Veronica Mars (same creator) and now I’m hooked.

      1. EvilQueenRegina*

        If that’s what I think it is I think they made a mistake, but I stuck with the show after that and still love it!

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Rooftop incident!

          I’m so glad I went back to it as it’s just brilliant. I’m halfway through s3 now.

    7. StudentA*

      I enjoyed Nurse Jackie and the Sopranos. I’m watching Ozark on Netflix and it’s pretty good. I’m not used to Justin Bateman in this kind of role, so it’s interesting from that perspective. I’m always on the lookout for excellent shows if anyone has any recommendations!

    8. Limenotapple*

      I loved Nurse Jackie so much. I hope you post when you’ve finished it!

      I liked The Americans quite a lot. I came of age in the 80s so I enjoy the setting, but it’s also a unique premise for what is essentially a family drama.

    10. Melody Pond*

      I finished watching season 1 of Mindhunter not too long ago. Netflix had been pushing it on me for a while, and I finally looked it up on Rotten Tomatoes, and saw it had a 96% score. It was pretty good! The first few episodes are mind-bogglingly good, and then there are some in the middle that are kinda meh, and the last few are pretty solid.

      If you’ve seen Glee, it’s got Jonathan Groff in it, who was a frequent guest star on Glee for a while.

    12. Cristina in England*

      I am obsessed with The Good Place on Netflix, which I just finished and I am itching for new episodes coming in January. Kristen Bell plays a woman who accidentally gets into ‘the good place’ (heaven) and doesn’t belong there. Ted Danson plays the architect of that particular neighbourhood in the good place, who guides the newly arrived humans around.
      There is a heavy emphasis on ethics and what it means to be a good person in the show. It is really funny. Do not skip the first episode (like someone I know did, but honestly who does that on Netflix??) or you will have NO idea what is going on!

      1. Book Lover*

        It is great and I love Kristen Bell! Have to rewatch Veronica Mars, it has been so long. I do not like the second season of the good place as much as the first :(

        1. Cristina in England*

          I kind of know what you mean about the second season, but I am going with it. It is not like any show I’ve ever seen before. After I finished all the episodes I did some youtubing for cast interviews. I was really happy to find out that Ted Danson and Kristen Bell have become good friends in real life and hang out as a foursome with their spouses Dax and Mary Steenburgen. I find that charming!

          2. Emac*

            I’m obsessed with that show, too! I wasn’t really sure about season 2, but got into it more as it went on. I feel like they’re building up to some big twist. It will be a little disappointing if everything is actually as it seems now…

            I started watching it because I love Kristen Bell. If you’re a fan of hers, you should check out her appearances on the Craig Ferguson show on YouTube. I guess they got to be good friends after she was a guest on his show and they’re hilarious together.

        2. Ramona Flowers*

          I just rewatched all of VM. So good. Am now enjoying iZombie which has a few VM people showing up here and there including the actors who played Keith Mars and Cliff the lawyer, a hilarious cameo voiceover from Kristen and the odd reference to Hearst College.

          I am unsure on s2 of Good Place. It feels like the plot is being played by ear and I doubt that’s true but it’s not a great way to feel. Still love it though.

          1. Ron McDon*

            I loved S1 of Good Place, really didn’t like the first couple of episodes of S2, but I loved the last couple of episodes.

            I agree, it felt like S2 had no ‘plan’ and almost as though each episode was being improvised; not great.

            But I (and my son!) can’t wait to see the new episodes.

      2. Artemesia*

        Reminds me of the movie with Meryl Streep and Albert Brooks where they both end up in the way station between heaven and reincarnation and fall in love; Defending your Life. worth watching if you like The Good Place.

    13. Middle School Teacher*

      I’ve been watching Godless on Netflix, because it has some actors I really like, but I don’t know if I’ll finish it because it’s incredibly violent. Normally tv violence doesn’t bother me but this is GoT-red wedding level violence (and beyond).

      I’m also watching Dirk Gently but it’s a bit too weird and quirky for me to follow, which is disappointing because I’m a big Douglas Adams fan. I’ll try to stick with it, it just needs more attention (eg no fooling around on the internet while I’m watching).

      I’m also watching Strictly Come Dancing because I like Susan Calman :)

    14. Annie Mouse*

      I’ve discovered The librarians, the tv series. Loving it! Got the films set to record too.
      Need to finish Code Black as well, it’s so good I’ve been putting off watching the rest of the second series!

        1. Anon for this*

          Ooh, thanks. I’m in the UK so probably won’t get it for a while (and can’t get the DVD in UK format either!) but I shall keep an eye out for it.

    15. Red Reader*

      I just finished the two seasons of Glitch (an Australian tv series, I guess?) that Netflix has, and I found that super entertaining. Chance is on my list, as are Mindhunters and Sopranos, and Punisher.

      1. Casca*

        Glitch is very interesting- did not go where I expected!

        The star of Glitch is also in (a completely different series) No Activity, which is hilarious.

      2. TiffIf*

        I just finished season 1 of Glitch last night after Netflix kept suggesting it. Probably going to watch season 2 next week.

    16. Fake old Converse shoes*

      I got hooked on a Korean reality show called The Return of Superman. It’s about celeb fathers spending their free time with their toddlers, while the kid’s mums have the day off. It’s all in YouTube with English subtitles.

    17. Cristina in England*

      I feel like I am late to the party on this (not a new feeling!) but I just finished Stranger Things and I love it. Along with everyone else I suppose, but I missed all the hoopla about it after the first season aired.

    18. JD*

      Just finished Bates Motel. Love that show. I still can’t find anywhere to watch all the episodes of Crazy Ex Girlfriend. Only can find the most current three not the beginning of the season. Bumming me out.

    19. Elizabeth West*

      I just started watching Luther on Netflix. OMG WHYYYYYY did I not watch this show earlier!?!?!?!?! I LOVE it. It’s so intense and complicated and subplots and conflict GALORE. I love the whole Alice thing–god, she’s aggravating but so much FUN. I imagine the actress had a blast playing her. I’m only four episodes in. Netflix better not pull it or I shall scream.

      Also Idris Elba, yum yum yum yuuuuuuuuum. He’s so fecking adorable when he smiles. Which Luther doesn’t do much, but then when you do get it, it’s that much more special. :3

    20. Totally Minnie*

      Apart from my obsession with General Hospital, my favorite show right now is Heartland. I’ve blown through the first 7 seasons on Netflix, and I’m sad that I’ll be running out of episodes soon. Netflix only has up to season 9.

    21. Aurora Leigh*

      We’re really enjoying Ghosted a Fox series that’s airing now ( but it’s available on their website, we don’t have cable lol). Its so fun! And it has Ben from Parks and Rec in it!

      Also The Tick on Amazon was really good!

      And an older gem that a friend recently introduced me to is Slings and Arrows a Canadian comedy about a Shakespeare festival. Its so hilarious in so many unexpected ways.

    22. Julia*

      I’m wondering if I should watch Mrs. Maisel. I loved Gilmore Girls (same creator) back in the day, and I still do, but I’m getting a little tired of the “tall thin dark-haired blue-eyed woman talks over everyone else and is rude to people but it’s okay because she’s funny” thing and the fat-shaming. :(

      I started Jessica Jones the other day, but I’m unsure if it’s not too dark for me. I really want to watch Veronica Mars soon!

      Other than that, the husband and I watch The Big Bang Theory (which is not without its problems) and Young Sheldon, and we’re waiting for season 4 of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

    25. Nines*

      Great topic! I love good show recommendations!
      I’m working through American Horror Story (I’m on season 6) and Mr. Robot right now. I’m loving them both!! And Stranger Things!
      I also just finished Justified which is an older show, but I found it on Amazon and totally became obsessed with it. Timothy Olyphant is the best!

    26. Bluebell*

      Just for fluff, I watched Stan Against Evil on Hulu. It reminded me of Slither, the movie w Nathan Fillion. John McGinley from Scrubs plays a character with the same sarcastic slightly grouchy outlook. I also started watching Schitts Creek and have only a few episodes left. Love all of the actors on that show – very funny and a lot of heart as well.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        A bunch of us at work watch Schitt’s Creek. I think my faves are Dan Levy (also hosting Great Canadian Baking Show!) and that girl who plays the cashier (I can’t remember her name). I laughed like crazy when he told her he was looking for a job “as a tastemaker or a trendsetter”.

    27. JulieBulie*

      Baskets Season 2
      Chance Season 2
      The Good Place Season 2
      Stranger Things almost done with Season 1

  14. Anon for this*

    Y’all, I will be heading to Wales next year and am very excited! I don’t know what to expect. Never really been out of Central london.

    1. Ange*

      Whereabouts are you going? North Wales is pretty hilly. Lots of good hiking if you like that. Also Wales is pretty wet, so be prepared for rain.

      1. Anon for this*

        We will be heading to Snowdonia, that’s all I know! And ooh, thank you – will pack good hiking boots then.

    2. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Wait a second! I’m so intrigued by this. I desperately want to be your penpal as my life is wildly different from yours and I’ve never spent more than two years in one place. Is it common for folks not to leave London ever?

      1. Anon for this*

        Oh no – as in when I go to Europe on holiday i don’t leave central London very much. I love it.

    3. A. Student*

      North Wales is great! I can recommend going over to Anglesey. Also, remember to bring a good waterproof coat

    4. GoryDetails*

      I visited St. David’s Head once, ages ago, with friends – wonderful trip, beautiful scenery, great pubs {grin}.

    5. ArtK*

      Wales is beautiful! I *love* Snowdonia. Make sure you visit Gelert’s Grave (just outside of Beddgelert.)
      I second the suggestion of a side trip to Anglesey — very pretty and a there’s a beautiful castle.
      Absolutely get good hiking boots (and break them in ahead of time!) and wet weather gear.

    6. WellRed*

      Jealous. I have been watching hinterland on Netflix and Wales looks gorgeous. Also, kind of end of the earth which I always find appealing.

    8. Margali*

      Oh, you are heading into beautiful country! I think you can do a day trip down the Vale of Conwy, and Conwy castle and the town itself are quite interesting. If you like historical fiction, you should read Here Be Dragons by Sharon Kay Penman. It takes place in Wales during the reign of King John.

    9. Amey*

      North Wales is lovely! Go to lots of castles (Welsh castles are the best) and walk in the mountains. You can get a train up Snowdon. Bodnant Gardens are nice too.

    10. JulieBulie*

      I went to Portmeirion in 1994 and would love love love to go there again… even if there is no Prisoner convention in progress.

      Extremely nice/scenic hiking around the grounds.

  15. Lcsa99*

    Since I know a lot of people here are cat people, and we’ve gotten great suggestions for cat toys and stuff from here in the past (most notably the big head bowls and the fling-ama-string’ which every cat should have) I am wondering – what is your cat’s favorite toy?

    1. bassclefchick*

      Pens and milk bottle rings. LOL

      She does love her catnip toys. She also has a Kickaroo that she “kills” all the time.

      2. Merci Dee*

        Oh, my gah, does my cat love his Kickeroo. He kills it several times a day. I can always tell when he’s going for it: he’ll do this casual walk toward the toy, then veer until he walks right over the top — and then he latches on to it with his front legs and kicks off with his back legs so that he literally flips head-first over the Kickeroo and winds up on his back, gnawing and kicking furiously. I laugh every time I see his tumbling routine.

      3. Artemesia*

        Years ago our house cleaner decided to move the couch to clean underneath. She was puzzled to find about 30 milk jug rings the cat had batted under there.

        1. nonegiven*

          We replaced a space heater the other day. There was a 12″x 18″ rectangle of bottle caps and rings packed in tight under the old one.

    2. RoseRed*

      My foot. LOL.

      No, but really, my cats are obsessed with those jingly balls with the little bell inside. I’ll toss them around the house and my cats bring them back like they’re playing fetch. (I’m starting to think they might actually be dogs…) When I want them to turn on their hunting instincts (they’re indoor only, but I like them to hear the call of the wild every once in awhile), I hide the jingly ball in a cardboard box so they have to hunt it down and figure out how to open it before they can have it.

    3. Marzipan*

      He has this thing we call birdmouse, that looks like a bird but makes a really disturbing squeaking noise (it has a battery in it). He greatly enjoys killing birdmouse.

    4. Torrance*

      My cat is a simple, simple girl– her favourite is those ones that look like finger traps (especially after they’ve been sitting in a baggie of nip for a while). They’re really light so she has fun either tossing them up or down &/or hurling them from one end of the apartment to the other. I find them everywhere. XD

    5. GoryDetails*

      Mine likes to play with pens, and with Things on Strings – or on wires, like those little cardboard bits attached to a long wire handle. (The wire makes the target bob in unexpected ways, which the cats seem to like.) His favorite toy is a little catnip fish by Yeowww; it’s advertised as high-test catnip, but it may just be the size and shape that appeals to him. When he’s in the mood he’ll bat the thing around with great agility for a 10-year-old and rather rotund cat!

    6. PlantLady*

      Felt balls. Usually I find them in craft/fabric stores. Sometimes I have to dig through the offerings to make sure they’re big enough that the cats can’t swallow them, but both my boys love playing with them.

    7. anon24*

      My cat is crazy about the “go cat da bee” wand toy. It’s a good thing they make replacement bees because he destroys them. One day he was bugging me to play with him but I was busy at the time. A little later I turned around and my girl cat was running with the wand in her mouth and he was chasing behind playing with the bee. I’ve also seen him drape the wire over the X at the base of our dining room chair and pull the wire with one paw and swing at the bee with the other. Glad he doesn’t need me to entertain him anymore ;)

    8. KR*

      She has this little felt/foam type ball that’s a bunch of different colors. She also loves her catnip and usually has a small toy mouse out. She has a little toy thing and while I put everything back once and a while she tends to pull out the ones she feels like playing with. She also loves the little feather on top of her scratching post in the living room. She’s not a huge fan of the laser pointer. She will play with it for a little bit and then get bored – I think she knows I can control it.

      1. Seal*

        One of mine loves a good cardboard box. I always leave one out for her to play with.

        Mylar balls are also a favorite. Something about the crinkly texture.

    10. CatCat*

      He likes a lot of toys, but I am going to go with the laser pointer. He’s so funny about it. He’ll get up in our faces wanting us to do the laser thing, he’ll hyper focus on trying to catch it for a few minutes, and then he’ll suddenly break away very nonchalant and is just done.

      The cat is also a paper product connoisseur. He really enjoys a just delivered card board box for about a day and then it just seems to kind of lose its appeal. Paper bags from Chipotle have a solid 4-5 days worth of interest for him. Wrapping paper is his greatest paper product love and wrapping gifts this time of year is always interesting. I can’t leave it out or he’ll shred it. The varmint.

    12. Valancy Snaith*

      This is going to sound ridiculous.

      The first Christmas we had our cats, my mom got them a thing of Target cat toys that were all sewing-themed–there was a little stuffed pincushion and thread spool, and a stuffed pair of scissors with crinkly stuff inside. Well, those scissors are my cat’s most beloved thing. They’re the perfect size and weight for her to toss around and carry around in her mouth, she even cuddles it when she sleeps. The only problem is that only one side of the toy has the “scissors” markings on them. The other side has no markings and looks exactly like a teenage-boy cartoon drawing of a dick. Like, if you picture a terrible drawing on a desk–that shape–that’s what shape this toy is. It’s so embarrassing. And she LOVES IT. She carries it around in her mouth. It’s…I just don’t think anyone from Target considered that!

      1. GoryDetails*

        I LOVE the one-sided-scissors racy cat toy – I can imagine the cat trotting out during family visits with her X-rated toy!

        Not X-rated, but very cute: I acquired a plush Golden Snitch ages ago, during the height of Potter-mania, and found that it was an excellent cat-toy. Got some for family and friends, whose cats liked them too, but my favorite memories of my late, lamented Big Gray Cat involved him trotting around with the Golden Snitch in his mouth.

    13. Melody Pond*

      Our younger cat goes beserk for plain old hair elastics/hair ties. She also can’t resist a cardboard box.

      For proper, actual cat toys, she goes nuts for something called Go Cat Teaser Cat Catcher Wand Cat Toy on Amazon. Though the “mouse” it comes with is kind of flimsy, and we later replaced it with these other really nice ones made from real fur and sewn together with no glue.

      Wand Cat Toy: https://smile.amazon.com/Go-Cat-Catcher-Teaser-Mouse/dp/B000LPOUNW/ref=pd_sim_199_5?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B000LPOUNW&pd_rd_r=WNCN29322NCGDBQ1W14Y&pd_rd_w=CZeHp&pd_rd_wg=iZPt5&psc=1&refRID=WNCN29322NCGDBQ1W14Y

      Mouse replacement: https://smile.amazon.com/Refill-Attachments-Wildcat-Catcher-Poles/dp/B00E4WNS9K/ref=pd_sim_199_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00E4WNS9K&pd_rd_r=HJSTWBGKNF6A9SHGDDPG&pd_rd_w=i7cB3&pd_rd_wg=W2MYn&psc=1&refRID=HJSTWBGKNF6A9SHGDDPG

      1. tigerStripes*

        You might want to be careful with hair elastics – they sound like the kind of think a cat could ingest, and that can sometimes be something that requires surgery to deal with.

      2. ANON who loves to give food recs*

        +1 for that Wand Cat Toy. My boys utterly destroyed the flimsy mouse part – it’s been reduced to the size of a penny – but they are still obsessed with that toy.

    14. MissDissplaced*

      A ‘Da Bird feather spinner on a fishing pole toy. It induces lots of chitterlings and leaps!

    17. Windchime*

      Mine loves the little crinkly mylar balls. He also used to be obsessed with a little stuffed frog that would croak whenever he would play with it, but the battery finally died in that. He loves the “Da Bird” feathers on a string and wand. But the most favorite thing of all is when I take a toy and hide it in/under tissue paper. He loves to pat and attack the tissue paper until he finds his toy. Really, any type of game where the object is hidden and he has to figure out how to get to it is his favorite.

    18. oldbiddy*

      My Maine Coon mixes have always been REALLY into milk rings, the shorthair cats not so much. What’s up with that? They both like soft stuffed toys that aren’t too big and are sort of squishy, but it’s impossible to predict which ones will be winners and which one will be duds.
      For cats that like milk rings, give them a larger ring (off a applesauce or spaghetti sauce jar)

      1. Ms Ida*

        I always found winners to be free stuff(empty bags and milk rings) and the duds anything I paid for at a petstore!

    19. Red Reader*

      I got my husband’s cats a catnip-stuffed pickle a couple months back as a joke. Turns out the one-eyed goofy one thinks it’s the best thing ever — she carries it around the house everywhere she goes, takes it up to people and yells (with it still in her mouth) to show it off, and regularly loses fights with it.

      1. JaneB*

        Small canvas mice with feather tails and rattle-y innards

        Post it’s

        Scrumpled up balls of the sort of crispy paper used to cover the sticky strip on panty liners (she carries liners around too, the embarrassment!)

        Socks, freshly killed after stealing from the airer

        Shoelaces, preferably in use

        Random scraps of cardboard she chews off the sides of boxes

        She’s 18…

    20. nonegiven*

      We have to hide rolls of paper towels or Tom will eviscerate them. He’s gotten them off the top of the fridge, he’s stolen one off the table while DH was eating and watching TV at the same time. By eviscerate, I mean kick an unopened package with his back feet until there are holes almost all the way down to the cardboard tube. I keep them in closed cabinets, now.

    21. Mallory Janis Ian*

      A sticker ball from our sweet gum tree and a fresh new one whenever the old one gets worn down; she likes them fully prickly.

      1. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Also, we had a basket of old stuffed animals sitting by the front door on their way to Goodwill, and she “hunted” two of them out of the basket to keep for herself.

        Our other cat who recently passed away at 19 used to love to “hunt” pairs of folded socks from out of the laundry basket. The way she carried them, it looked like she had a small dead animal by the back of the neck; they were her prey.

    22. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Teh Cat Dancer – a piece of wire with cardboard at the end. They LOVE this thing.

      Also, catnip is so last year. SILVERVINE is the hot new kitty crack in my house. We were ordering it from Japan (you can get it in power or stick form) and then we found a catnip+silvervine mix in the US on vacation and that blew everyone’s minds. I think petsmart or petco had it – in a red metal tub.

    23. Jessen*

      My girl’s favorite was always those toys that are basically just a strip of fabric tied to a pole. They often come with feathers on the end but those usually disappear pretty quickly.

      Pro tip for any frugal pet lovers: If you go shopping immediately AFTER a holiday, there’s usually a pile of holiday-themed cat toys for massive amounts off. And the cats have never complained about the print on the toys being out of season.

      1. Sputnik*

        My friend’s cat loves to play with dice – he will bat them across the floor all evening and if left to his own devices will hide it away somewhere. Friend and their partner once found 30+ dice in a Kleenex box :D We play D&D at their apartment a lot and whenever a d20 rolls onto the floor we have to pause the game and scramble to find it before kitty does….

        I also had a cat as a teenager who loved harp strings. Whenever I had to replace a string on my harp he’d come running and then I’d have to spend a while dangling it in front of him for him to bat at. He found laser pointers to be beneath his dignity, but hunting the end of a broken harp string was the Best Thing Ever!

    24. kible*

      my old lady cat doesn’t really like playing much, but will chase ties on my pajama pants. young cat has a catnip filled toy pepper that she loves, but i’ve also caught her carrying some balls around the house. roommate’s cat has a crinkly fish that she’ll pick up and walk around with while screaming.

  16. Lily Evans*

    A bunch of my FB friends from high school and college are either pregnant or have recently had a baby and I’ve been doing a lot of reading and processing my own feelings about not really wanting children. I’m 25 right now and have no interest at the moment and can picture happy futures that involve kids and ones that don’t, but for I’m leaning towards the no kids ever side. Today specifically I woke up thinking about the “you’ll regret it one day” argument that people love to use against anyone who chooses not to have kids and I started thinking about other things that people told me I’d regret someday that I definitely don’t.

    So far my list includes: Not going to prom, which my mother was convinced I’d regret terribly. I’m so glad I didn’t waste all of that money because I hated dances and I’ve never once been like “hmmm, I really wish I’d spent hundreds of dollars to stand in a gymnasium with a bunch of sweaty teenagers for four hours…” I was also told I’d regret being an English major because I’d never find a job, but I’ve found jobs just fine. Last, my parents were convinced that I’d regret moving to the city instead of settling down in the town I worked in right after college, but I’m so much happier here than I was there! The only thing that people told me I’d regret that I actually do regret is not studying abroad in college. I could have afforded to, but I let my fears hold me back and I really wish I hadn’t.

    What are some things that people used vague possible future regrets to try to get you to do that you ignored? Did you end up actually regretting it, or are you glad you didn’t listen?

    1. Dan*

      I skipped my senior year of high school. I was told I’d regret it and haven’t.

      I’m late 30’s, divorced, no kids, and happily single at the moment, FWIW.

    2. Holiday Elf*

      I feel you on the study abroad. I did a summer program for a few weeks but it wasn’t the same as living there for months.

      My main regret in life is not doing an internship in college. I didn’t have a ton of people telling me I should do it (my parents were actually against it because they just wanted me to focus on my classes) but I do regret it because I think an internship would have given me more guidance of my career rather than being tossed in headfirst at my first post-college job.

      I’m in my late 20’s and my friends are starting to get married, so I know babies will soon be around the corner. I’m lucky enough that in my friend group, there are several of us in the ‘likely to not procreate’ camp so I’m not alone there. Though I do wonder if I’ll feel differently when my other friends do start having kids.

      1. Anxa*

        I also didn’t win any internship slots. I think I failed to make myself competitive enough for lots of reasons, one of which was that I was more comfortable working on campus because I didn’t have a car and didn’t live in a city or anywhere with workable public transit.

        I was so naive, too, because I thought it would make me ‘well rounded,’ but it really just meant I didn’t have direct experience in my field.

      2. Valancy Snaith*

        I do regret not doing an internship. I don’t recall it ever even coming up–I certainly don’t remember anyone steering me in that direction, so I just worked retail in the summers. I honestly wish I had been proactive enough or just aware enough that it was A Thing. I feel like it would have given me a lot more solid work experience in my field. I regret it to the point where I want to reach out to my university’s department I studied in and let them know that there’s absolutely zero awareness or guidance of field-related internships for students. Or maybe there is now, several years later. But I do regret it immensely.

    3. RoseRed*

      My husband and I were repeatedly told by his parents that we would regret our choice to cook all our food for our wedding. (We love to cook, so the idea of making a meal for 100 guests was our idea of fun as well as an immense cost-saving measure–and we were getting married on a friend’s land, so no catering requirement.) To this day, our wedding guests tell us how much they loved the idea, we had so much fun doing it, and it’s my go-to “cool story” to tell about our wedding day when I’m chatting about it to new people. Definitely understand that it’s not for everyone, but you do you!

      2. Too Witches*

        This is WILD and I’d love more details? I’m assuming you did prep ahead of time, but were you actually cooking on the day?? Like, I’m imagining instead of a reception line your guests came by as you dished up meals for them! This is just such an unconventional wedding day, I love it! I once helped a family friend cater a wedding and it was massively stressful, but especially if you love cooking I really can only imagine your guests were so chill and relaxed because how special is that??

        1. RoseRed*

          We did probably 90% of the prep ahead of time, and the friend who loaned us her land for the wedding also lent us their detached basement which has a little mini-kitchen setup so we could warm up the pasta bakes and stuff like that. I wish now that I’d written down somewhere what we made, because it was 5 years ago and I no longer remember everything. :-P We did a variety of pasta dishes, a tomato salad, oh man I can’t remember what else but there was a bunch of stuff. We live in a rural area, so we got all our ingredients from farmers we know and one of them gave us 1/2 a bushel of peaches as a wedding gift. :-)

          You did get it right on the head that we really prided ourselves on having kind of an unconventional wedding. Instead of having a guest book, we put paper on the tables and left out crayons for our guests to draw on the tablecloths. Unfortunately this backfired because it rained before we had a chance to take them off the tables, but we have some great pictures of people’s drawings! We didn’t have a reception line, though it was more of a buffet-style setup than us serving them. We just kind of mingled and ambushed people while they were eating. :-) A lot of people still say that it’s their favorite wedding they’ve ever been to, and we’re really happy about that!

          1. Too Witches*

            It sounds like it was absolutely wonderful, and I’m so glad you did it in a way that got you so well! I’ve had to most fun at weddings where the food is good (obviously) and the couple really manage to mingle and be part of the party, because, in my admittedly limited experience, it just really loosens up the atmosphere. I’m so impressed by the whole thing!!

            1. RoseRed*

              Just found the Google Doc where I wrote what we cooked! Looks like we made several pasta bakes, ratatouille, coleslaw, roasted tomatoes, homemade bread, deviled eggs and crackers, salmon croquettes, bean salad, and pasta with peanut sauce. My mother-in-law offered to make baked chicken, and my mom made some veggie sandwiches. Definitely nobody starved. :-)

              Also I found an old email between me and my husband that indicated that we paid approximately $350 for all of this. Can’t beat the price for that amount of food!

          2. Windchime*

            It does sound amazing. My son and his bride had a similar wedding. They didn’t cook the food, but we served sandwiches from Costco, pasta and green salads, fruit, and potato chips. There were plenty of non-alcoholic drinks, and wine from Trader Joe’s. A bartender friend provided a keg. Instead of cake, an assortment of fresh bakery pies was served. It was very inexpensive and awesome. Best wedding I’ve ever attended.

            1. oldbiddy*

              We did something similar, but with hamburgers/hotdogs and Costco cakes instead of sandwiches. People also brought side dishes. It was a little bit hectic organizing but we had a great time and people enjoyed it.

    4. Natalie*

      I’m quite certain some people regret having kids, it’s just not socially acceptable to talk about because people confuse it with not loving said kids. But I’m sure my mom, for one, wishes she didn’t have children.

      1. Lily Evans*

        I actually stumbled across a few articles about that recently. Apparently it’s not that uncommon. I’ve often wondered about my parents as well, since I think they had my sister and I more because they felt like they should than really wanting kids since they don’t even like kids! As someone who genuinely enjoys working with children and still doesn’t want my own, I just don’t buy their “it’s different when it’s your own kid” explanations.

        1. Book Lover*

          I kind of don’t like kids, but I think mine are amazing :). I think I am just very jealous of my time and space, and tend to be on the irritable side. Other kids hit all my buttons, but mine are cute and adorable and interesting most of the time. Still happy when it is bedtime though! Just to say that you can not love kids in general but adore your own.

          1. Ron McDon*

            Haha, you’re just like me!

            I work in a school so see plenty of ‘other people’s kids’; they are universally not as polite, interesting or cute as mine! (I mean, they are to their parents, I’m sure, but I love my kids without loving other people’s kids).

            I also love my me-time and can be a grouch, but am trying not to be :)

          2. Mallory Janis Ian*

            I’m the same; I like and enjoy my own kids, and I’m pretty “meh” about other kids. I like them if they’re fairly well-behaved and if the parents’ parenting is fairly reasonable. I mean, it’s really refreshing to meet a kid whose parents are down-to-earth and keep firm but fair guidance over the kid. It seems more and more prevalent, though, to meet kids who probably would be better behaved if their parents weren’t so permissive. Like, they want other people to hold up the “be patient with children because they’re in training” end of the social contract, but they don’t appear to be holding up the “well then, show us that s/he’s receiving some training” end of the bargain. And then I dislike the parent and the child because I’m becoming curmudgeonly from over-exposure.

        2. Ann O.*

          I do find it different with my own.

          I think regret/not regret with having kids is a difficult subject because it’s not like emotions are static and persistent. For me personally, there are options I would have had if I didn’t have a child that I wish I had. There are times I have felt regret as a result. But there are also many times I feel incredibly lucky to have my child. During the very difficult newborn months, I felt regret a lot. During the pretty easy post-sleep-training-but-still-napping time period, I didn’t feel regret at all.

          An additional factor is that the US is a very difficult country to raise a child. There is still a lot of pressure and judgement primarily directed at mothers for our choices, compromises, and perceived failures. There is very little institutional support.

      2. Too Witches*

        Same, I think my parents both got married and had kids because it was expected, and they’ve never had the happiest relationship. It’s one of the reasons I’m firmly on the no kids side for myself – the idea of raising little humans does not excite me or make me feel good at all, and why would I want to expose someone to that? I would never want kids I had to feel like a burden but that’s exactly what the idea feels like to me, so I will leave the baby-having and rearing to the people who REALLY want it.

      3. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Yep. My mom once told me that if she could do it over, she probably wouldn’t have gotten married or had a kid. (I wasn’t offended–ever since I was a little kid they’d been telling me stories of how they wanted several kids before they actually had one–me–and realized how hard it would be. I know my mother loves me, but I also know that her life isn’t what she wanted it to be when she was younger, and I think that discrepancy hurts her a lot.)

        1. Jackie*

          My mom told me that same thing when I was very young. She said if she knew was marriage was like that she never would have married or had kids. At the time, I just accepted what she said with no judgement. But as an adult, looking back now, I think geez, didn’t she feel blessed to have three kids who loved her deeply ?

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            Oof. I’m sorry your mother said that. I was probably 15-17 when my mom and I had that conversation, she only said so because I’d asked her about it, and I only asked because I knew what the answer would be already, which is very different than how it was communicated to you.

          2. Natalie*

            Wow, I definitely wouldn’t tell a small child that! I don’t think little kids have the ability to understand that someone could regret the overall experience of having kids without believing they were somehow personally responsible for that.

      4. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

        I’ve been reading a lot about this recently. I think one thing that’s really hard and REALLY not socially acceptable to talk about is how much harder parenthood is for mothers than for fathers in heterosexual pairs. Fathers are still seen as the secondary parent by a lot of people, which means that the bulk of the labor, responsibility, and inevitable blame (“didn’t your mother raise you right?”) falls on the female parent. I know my mom really wanted to be a mom, and my dad is a great dad, but my mom still got the short end of the stick with all the hard parts of parenting.

        1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

          Agreed. I never liked children to begin with so I probably wouldn’t have wanted to have any no matter what, but the knowledge that as a woman I’d probably be doing most/all of the childrearing work (especially the gross stuff) made my decision not to have children a lot easier.

        2. Ann O.*

          Also, the career and pay sacrifices only happen to women. Men are actually boosted on statistical aggregate by having a family.

        3. Lissa*

          Yes, this. In my social group I know quite a few guys who are like “oh yeah, I’ll have kids maybe, if my future partner wants them?” and seem to not have strong feelings on this. Whereas just about every woman I know is YES I want kids, NO I never want them, or ambivalent/mixed feelings that are fairly strong. A guy friend of mine was talking about his “oh, maybe, I don’t really mind either way” feelings about it as compared to my NOPENOPENOPE and I pointed out to him that it was a lot easier for a guy to have that opinion, even in today’s society.

          I think a lot of guys have zero concept of how different it is for women. They seem to have a concept of kids that involves way less hard work and change to their life than women.

    5. nep*

      Prom. People said, ‘Go — you’ll regret it if you don’t.’ Cared not at all then, and never a second of regret.
      Having children. Some people have said, ‘But it’s such an important experience in a woman’s life…you’ll change your mind one day…blah blah blah.’ I was going to say ‘wisest decision I ever made, not having kids,’ but it was never even a decision — I was never on the fence. Knew I was not meant to be a mom, period. Zero regret. On the contrary.
      At least one relative said I’d be sorry taking off returning to a developing country to freelance. I thrived, and had some of the absolute best moments of my life.

    6. Overeducated*

      I had a kid at a time that (in retrospect) had a major negative impact on my intended career because I knew I would always regret it if I couldn’t have kids, but I’d probably be ok if my career took another direction. I think knowing instinctively what I would seriously regret and what I would not was a compass for navigating these tradeoffs so I don’t regret it at all. Many of my other friends put off kids longer or chose not to have them because their compass pointed them in a different direction. I think intuition is really really important and really really individual.

      1. Overeducated*

        On the other hand, I went to prom out of fear of missing out, and it was way overrated. Dress shopping was fun at least.

        1. I get that*

          I went to my prom and all I remember is my date and a friend disappeared for awhile and I couldn’t have cared less. I gave into pressure to go. Would have been happier staying home with a book or the tv.

        2. Lily Evans*

          I decided not to go after some dress browsing but before actually paying for anything, so I feel like it was the best of both worlds because I do love trying on fancy dresses!

    7. PlantLady*

      First, let me say I’m over twenty years older than you are, with no kids (by my own choice). Back when I still answered the “are you going to have kids” question, I got the “you’ll regret it” attitude on a regular basis. I don’t regret it. Do I sometimes wonder, “what if?” Sure I do. But regret it? – No.

      As to other things – I grew up in a family that went through 2 bankruptcies before I turned 16, both because of catastrophic medical bills. “Get a good job with benefits and don’t ever be without health insurance” was drummed into me. I missed out on a lot of life in my late teens and twenties because I went the safe route with regard to those things. I regret that. I wish I had traveled more, done more “fun” things in my youth and not been so hung up on being safe. (Granted, with healthcare the way it is now, if I DID have a child, I would be likely to give my kid the same advice my parents gave me. But in the late 80s and early 90s, it wasn’t quite so bad.)

    8. AMT*

      I’m trans and the possibility of regret was used by several people to try to deter me from transitioning as a teenager. I think it’s the way we think about risk — the consequences of *doing* something scare us more than than the consequences of *not* doing something. So the risk of spending decades of your life being unhappy and afraid to take action is okay, but the risk of climbing up and grabbing what you want (with a small chance of failing) is somehow unacceptable. My family is risk-averse and hates change, so a lot of other things I wanted to do were constantly questioned and debated.

      I ignored them and transitioned. I also did all the risky things they warned me about — taking a summer job out of state (which led to a career), going to a faraway college (worth it, graduated with almost no debt and met my spouse), moving to NYC (best place in the world), getting engaged to someone I’d only known for a couple of months (8 years of happy partnership), and dozens of other little things I’d never have done if I’d spent months or years debating them. Sometimes making a few bad decisions is worth not being a quivering blob of inertia all the time.

      1. AMT*

        Oh, and I share your no-kids lifestyle! It’s hard to regret being able to live comfortably in a one-bedroom.

      2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

        That’s such a good point about how we think about risk! It feels scarier to take a risk by doing something rather than take a risk by being passive, even though not making a choice is still a choice. I’m slowing coming out of “being a quivering blob of inertia” and you’re right, life is way better now even though I have made a couple bad decisions.

      3. Lily Evans*

        Your family sounds very much like my family! I’m actively trying to avoid following in their no-risk-taking-content-but-not-really-happy lifestyle. On one hand there’s my dad who hates change, but who never really wanted much beyond the life he’s led, so he always questions my choices and generally sees the world as an unsafe place. On the other hand there’s my mother who’s very vocally regretted her choices in life and who’s openly jealous of the things I’ve been doing in my life that she always wanted to do but didn’t (living in a major city & traveling).

        1. AMT*

          Your parents could be my parents. My mom has a million things she’s always wanted to do, and there have never been insurmountable barriers to doing those things, but her inertia is powerful and my dad opposes anything that would involve spending money (on things he doesn’t want) and going places (that he doesn’t want to go). She has always marveled at how I’m able to, y’know, do stuff. I don’t understand how doing stuff sounds so much harder than wasting your entire life.

          1. Lily Evans*

            Yep, that is all so familiar haha! My mom could travel, her sister does and she has friends who probably would, she just doesn’t. And my dad hates spending money and has no interest in leaving the US (except for Canada). They’ve been talking about taking a trip to either Vegas or Florida for like two years and could totally do it financially, it just doesn’t ever happen.

        2. Grapey*

          Funny, I also don’t want kids but that’s because I consider kids to be risky. I too hate change and just sort of let life ‘happen’ to me. It’s been great to me so far – great husband, great family, great job…to change my life to HAVE kids seems like the way bigger risk!!

    9. Circus peanuts*

      I have no regrets about saying yes to my fiance. My friends like him but my family does not. My brother refuses to even meet him. My fiance is disabled and cannot work. That doesn’t matter to me. I’ve never been happier and he treats me so well. Life has never been so golden.

      1. Lissa*

        Wow, I’m so sorry your brother is such an ass about it! He won’t meet your fiance just because he’s disabled!? Does he actually admit that that’s the reason? My partner is also disabled and couldn’t work for a long time, and my father was a complete jerk about it. It’s got better over the last 5 years or so but still frustrating. So I feel your pain on that one.

    10. Nicole*

      I don’t regret not going to my prom either. I went to one Homecoming dance in high school and that was plenty.

      As for kids, I’m not sure anyone ever told me I’d regret not having them, but I think it’s not really an all or nothing feeling either. Sometimes I feel sad that we don’t have a little family we can take to all the holiday events around town geared toward families…. until I see a kid having a meltdown and I’m like “nope nope nope” glad I’m not YOU. ;)

      Ultimately I’m happy with my decision despite feeling wistful about the more wonderful moments I’ve missed out on. For me it will always be 95%/5% against/in-favor of kids. I can live with that 5% “regret”. I channel my “mothering” instinct toward taking care of my husband and dog… and my husband’s kids (whom are grown) on the rare occasions I see them.

      I think you know what’s best for you and the life you want to live so don’t second-guess yourself. And since you’re young if you change your mind later then so be it.

    11. Triplestep*

      I was told I’d regret not getting my architectural registration after architecture school, and in many ways, I *do* regret it. I have worked in that field and related fields for 30 years, but cannot say I am an architect. (Well, I could say it, but I’d be technically lying.) That said, I have made a pretty good career of working in-house for large companies who hire designers as part of their facilities planning teams. I have been able to work pretty steadily (a lot of architects can’t say this) with large company benefits and earn more than if I had gone the traditional route for architects. So it’s been a trade off.

      You didn’t ask, but I will just add this: The reason I did not complete the three-year intern development program and sit for the registration exam had a lot to do with the fact that I had my first child at age 24. It was not planned, and I was way too young. I tried to continue on my road to registration, but as a parent of a young child, I was more limited as to where I could work and what kind of hours I could take on. Bad economy and more than one layoff didn’t help either. I later came to envy female friends who had waited and planned better. They had many more choices than I’d had for how to balance career and family.

      The truth is you may change your mind about kids, and you may not. Either way no one should be telling you that you’ll regret it. My daughter (21) says she does not want kids; I suspect she might change her mind, but I would never say that to her, nor would it cross my mind to tell her she’ll regret it. I can’t think of a sure fire way to shut people down when they mention regrets, but that is certainly called for here!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Shrug and say, “Very few people leave this planet with NO regrets. Having regrets is part of life.”

        OR, if you are feeling snippy:
        “Then that will be my regret to bear alone and it will not have any impact on you.”

    12. Temperance*

      I’m 34 and childless and pretty okay with that. Most of my childhood friends were really young parents and have kids who are 14 or 15.

      I was always told I would regret not following that path, but honestly, I’m thankful I did not. My life is better. I have friends who have only been as far as the NJ shore. Meanwhile, I have met Bryan Stevenson, the PM of Ireland, worked with refugees, etc. Their world is much smaller than mine, and unfortunately, so are their minds.

      1. Courtney*

        This reads as fairly unkind to me – I’m someone with kids who is super supportive of my friends who have zero interest in ever having any of their own. I think the judgement people have on the issue is ridiculous and that obviously people who don’t want kids shouldn’t have kids, and I’m the first one to point out what a jerk someone is being when they make a comment to one of my friends about how they’ll regret it or something. But if one of them told me that my mind was smaller than theirs due to the fact that we have some different life experiences and I haven’t traveled around the world? Ouch. That’s just stooping to the level of the people who tell childfree people that they don’t know what love is because they haven’t experienced it as a parent.

        2. Dan*

          I read that statement with a bit more nuance than was written. I grew up in an area of the country that was very insular and full of close minded people. That includes my parents to some extent. (My mom won’t shop at Target after the trans bathroom kerfluffle that I had completely forgotten about. She reminded me of this over Turkey Day.) When I moved out to Washington DC, some members of my extended family asked me why I wanted to move here — because “there are black people there.”

          I live in the big city (er, the suburbs) have no kids and travel a bit — I fully understand the sentiment Temperance expresses.

          I think it’s fair to acknowledge Temperance’s belief that the people she knows with kids that don’t travel are closed minded — she’s clearly referring to people she knows, not making broad generalizations about classes of people she doesn’t.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Agreed, about fearing regret. It seems to come with other fears also.

            There are those people out in the world who live in total fear of having to face the slightest regret. I wish there was a name for this group and, NO, we cannot just use my family name instead.

            Those Who Fear Regret seem to have difficulty seeing other people experience regret. It pains them in some way. Additionally Those Who Fear Regret also fear other things. They have TWO extra coffee pots in case the first two of the three pots fail all in one day. They fear taking chances even if the risk is well chosen and well thought out.

            Reality is that everyone’s life will contain some regret. It’s not so much that we have regrets, it is how we handle that regret once we are confronted with it. Does Regret become this huge suitcase to carry through life OR does Regret become a Teacher who makes us wiser in parallel situations?

            OP , I loove, loove, loove, your list of decisions where you did not experience regret. Perfect. And this is EXACTLY how to think about future decisions. Look at the decisions that have gone well for you and find the cross-overs or common threads to use as a guide with your current quandary.

            There is no bullet proof way of finding the definitive answer. But there is one last thing you can do, you can decide that you want to take X road in life and then decide that you will make the best of it the whole way no matter what curves/bumps/detours life throws into the road. Life takes work no matter what we chose to do with ourselves.

        3. Temperance*

          I actually have tons of friends, now, who are parents, and a few whose kids even call me Aunt Temperance. I actually love children.

          My childhood friends are the ones who were largely negging me about not being a parent at a young age. I don’t care if people travel! It was more to show how the people I grew up with willingly limit themselves. I’m not sure if you watched The Daily Show at all during the election season, but there were several Jordan Klepper segments of him interviewing conservative voters at a rally near where I grew up. Those are the people that my friends grew up to be.

          2. Anion*

            So conservative voter = small mind? Conservative voters have “willingly limited themselves?”

            Sheesh. I’m sure the Daily Show guy went out of his way to find the stupidest, worst people he possibly could to interview, but I don’t think it’s an example of broad-mindedness to assume that any handful of members of a huge group are typical examples of that group, or that the entire group can be judged based on them.

            But hey, what do I know?

            1. Courtney*

              I don’t know, now that she has clarified I think she’s saying they’re in that group and therefore like the people he interviewed. I think she is saying that they literally have the opinions/mindsets/lack of knowledge of the people he interviewed.

            2. nonegiven*

              I remember when Jay Leno interviewed the governor of Arkansas and his wife. The circumstances were that some organization had come up with the money to refurbish the original governor’s mansion, but they had to move out while it was done. They moved in a triple wide manufactured home for them to live in while the mansion was being worked on.

              Leno went at it like they were putting on airs, living in a triple wide mobile home.

              They set up the camera outdoors with the view of the manufactured home in the background. During the interview a big dog came out from under the porch. The studio audience cracked up.

      2. Anon for this*

        yeah, I agree with Courtney – I do think travel is wonderful and broadens your horizons, but I don’t think people who don’t (or can’t! – there is a ton of financial privilege involved) travel are necessarily missing out.

      3. Kat*

        I very much hope friends of mine with kids don’t believe I feel this way about them. We have different lives and different choices, but theirs don’t automatically mean my life is better.

        1. Temperance*

          I totally agree. I’m from a small town that’s very close-minded. I was actually speaking to the specific comment here, which is something I related to. I was criticized for not having multiple children by 26 as being “too old” to be a mother, and how sad my life must be.

        1. Dan*

          I suspect the nuance in Temperance’s sentiments extends from the beliefs expressed by the people she knows — the use of “unfortunately” in her statement came across to me as an expression of sadness, not one of judgement. In no way did she write “all people with kids who don’t travel are closed minded and have sucky lives.” She just said her life is better than that of those she knows; that’s her opinion and she’s welcome to it.

        2. Temperance*

          Oh my goodness, it’s not about the travel at all! It’s about their lack of knowledge of the bigger world and truthfully, their close-mindedness. What I expressed, rather badly, is their lack of curiosity about the larger world, and truthfully, their prejudice against anyone who isn’t them. I regularly talk about this with people who know Scranton, so I shouldn’t have been so glib.

      6. Lily Evans*

        I think “better” is a very relative term. Having those opportunities may feel better to you, but wouldn’t to someone who had kids and really enjoyed raising them. I’ve admittedly found myself slipping into that mindset, but then I remind myself that not everyone wants the same things I want or prioritizes the same goals I do. It’s possible to be happy for other people, while also being happy that you’re not in their place. I’m glad when I see people enjoying their children, and I’m even more glad I don’t have any when their children are having difficult moments. The only time I feel sorry for people who have kids is when they’re obviously having a rough go of it, but I know that it was still their choice to make and not mine to judge.

        1. Temperance*

          FWIW, most of my friends were teen parents (or very young, under 21). They didn’t get to go to college, and sadly, their worldview is super limited. They’re passing that on to their children, which bums me out.

    13. Artemesia*

      Kids are a bigger deal than all those other things and thus having them is also a bigger deal in terms of impact on your life. I have two friends now in their 70s who didn’t have children because there husband didn’t want them and they claimed to have agreed; they both are very regretful about it now and it has been part of a severe depression for one. But when YOU really don’t want that to be part of your life you are in a different place than someone who is pushed that way by a spouse. There are lots of people who have fulfilling lives without kids and you certainly have more disposable income and freedom than if you take on the responsibilities of children. There is no greater responsibility anyone can take on than bringing life into the world; from that point forward they have to be one’s greatest commitment. My children and now my grandchildren are enormously important to my personal happiness and that is with a demanding career and fair success in it and a happy marriage. You don’t need to decide once and for all at this point in your life but you probably do need to commit one way or the other before marrying if you decide to do that. But it is not in the same league IMHO with not going to Prom.

      1. Lily Evans*

        It’s definitely not in the same league at all! It’s just an interesting thought exercise since I’m not the best at processing my feelings and making decisions about things. Looking at situations like that and choices I’ve made while comparing the gut feelings and thought processes surrounding them helps me to lay out thought patterns for future decision making. But the fact that the idea of attending prom and the idea of having children give me an equally “meh” gut feeling tells me that unless my feelings change significantly in the future I should not have children.

    14. SRB*

      If I wasn’t sure about it…
      I’d rather regret not having kids…
      …than regret having them.
      Just my two cents.

      2. Maiasaura*

        This. If you don’t have children and later regret it, *you* suffer. If you have children and regret it, innocent people who never asked to be created suffer. There’s just no contest.

    15. Melody Pond*

      I’m 31 now. At 25, I was in the same “leaning towards the no kids ever side” and at that time I got a copper IUD that would last for ten years. I told myself that if, by the time I was 35 and it was time for the copper IUD to be removed – if at that time I still wasn’t wanting kids, that I’d get myself sterilized then.

      I wound up removing the IUD and having surgery to sterilize myself earlier this year (I posted about it a bit, at the time). I’m thrilled about it. It helps that I’ve been with a partner for the past 5+ years who is also firmly against having kids. Rather than this swaying me in a direction I didn’t really want to go, I think this did the opposite. It gave me “permission” to realize that I didn’t particularly want to be a parent.

      My family has generally been supportive of this – perhaps because I have so many other siblings who are definitely going to be procreating. But Mr. Pond’s family has tried all of the “you’ll regret it one day” and “kids are so great” and “it’s different when it’s your own kids” arguments. To us, this just feels like they are desperately trying to impose their own values upon us. And sure – it’s entirely possible we could get to 40 or 50 and suddenly regret it. But I think that it’s much better to regret NOT having kids than to risk the regret of having them when you didn’t really want to be a parent.

      1. Dan*

        I’ve always hand the mindset “I don’t want kids in the next two years; after that, we’ll see.” I’m 38 and still feel that way.

        Although it’s entirely possible that I may regret not having kids at 50 or 60, I can definitely say I don’t regret the life I’ve had in the intermediate years without them.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Definitely it is an attempt to impose their values on you. We need childless people as much as we need parent type people. While the purposes are different the level of need remains the same for both groups of people.

      3. Totally Minnie*

        I used to work in childcare, and one of the kids in my class was always dropped off and picked up by her grandmother. As we got to know each other, she told me that she and her husband thought they never wanted kids, but they started to regret that as they got older. They were past the point where they could have biological children, so they applied to be foster parents. They ended up adopting a pregnant teenager and helping her raise her baby.

        What I’m saying is, if you put off having kids and find you regret it later, there are other avenues you can take to become a parent. But I don’t ever recommend having kids for any reason other than a real and sincere desire to be a parent. It’s not a bell you can un-ring.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Exactly! It’s not like there aren’t other ways to fulfill a parental role in someone’s life, later on. I can’t relate to the fixation on procreating your own, biological children. I think it’s more in line with my own ideologies, anyway, to adopt a child that already exists and needs a loving home (if I were so inclined to be a parent).

        2. SS Express*

          I love this story! Someone I know recently got on my case about how my husband and I can’t put off having kids any longer. I definitely do want kids one day but I am absolutely not going to have kids when I actively don’t want them, because I know that even if I do miss my chance to have biological children there are a million other options available.

          (Also, I’m 28.)

      4. Gloucesterina*

        I have a kid and the argument that a person will wake up at age 60 and think, “oh my god, I wish I had an adult child living in their own apartment right now!” just sounds so bizarre to me.

    16. Balloon*

      Are you me 11 years ago? Haha. I also did not attend prom (and am still happy with that decision) and was an English major.

      I transferred schools in the middle of college and my mom told me I’d regret it. I don’t.

      One thing I really regret, though, is not taking a gap year between high school and college. I was still a minor when starting college and I really think if I’d taken a gap year and either worked or traveled or done some volunteering or something besides charging forward with unfocused studies, I would have gotten a lot more out of college than I did. However, I was not allowed to do this (and since I was a minor, I pretty much had no choice) because my mother told me I’d regret it.

      I was also pressured to date and pursue romantic relationships, and my refusal to do so was often regarded as cowardice or some kind of refusal to grow up. It took me until I was 30 to realize that the reason I didn’t want to date is because I’m asexual, and that I was just following what my sexual orientation was telling me to do, so I don’t regret saying no to dates all those years!

      I 100% think that most people live their best lives when they don’t listen to the opinions of people around them at the expense of their own gut feelings. You be you!

    17. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      One of the most healing things anyone ever told me was that there is no objectively right decision. There are always going to be pros and cons, things you regret and things you loved, things you wish you had done differently and things you pat yourself on the back for. And I think that’s been the case for most major decisions I’ve made so far– what college I picked, whether to study abroad, who I’ve dated, etc.

      I find the idea really freeing, because it helps me not to obsess over whether I’m sacrificing a “perfect” choice in favor of a just-okay choice. Obviously you try to pick the best choice with the information that you have, but it will probably always be a little bit of a mixed bag.

    18. LCL*

      Not buying a house earlier. The real estate market here is berserk. We chose wisely and have done well because of the market, but I could have done better.

    19. HannahS*

      Made a practical, boring choice to study at a university that I wound up hating. Didn’t really regret it; I really don’t think the benefits of going anywhere else would have outweighed the deficits. Didn’t attend my university graduation, haven’t regretted it. Didn’t study abroad, didn’t regret it. Didn’t go to parties, didn’t regret it. Didn’t date casually, didn’t regret it.

      Turns out, I really know what I like and what’s good for me. I can tell when the reason I don’t want to do something is anxiety and when it’s really that this thing isn’t going to work for me.

    20. kas*

      I’m in my mid-twenties and I also have no interest in having children. I’m around kids often (family and my friends’ kids) and I’m always so relieved to give them back to their parents. I enjoy doing as I please and doing whatever whenever without having to worry about anyone.

      I may change my mind once I settle down/get married but for now, I think the only thing I would regret is that my parents won’t have grandchildren.

    21. Fake old Converse Shoes*

      People constantly told me I’d regret not throwing a Quinceañera, but I thought (and still do) it’s a ridiculous waste of money. There is a fierce competition about who has the best dress, throws the most extravagant party, that make me loathe those events with all my soul. I remember two girls at my school that had a new party dress made for every birthday they were invited. Instead of following tradition I chose to go to Europe for my birthday, which was a cheaper and more fulfilling experience.

      1. Totally Minnie*

        This is essentially how I feel about weddings. Why spend all that money on dresses no one will ever wear again, dead flowers, and food most people won’t even like?

    22. JulieBulie*

      I just turned 50. I didn’t have kids. It’s fine.
      I was an English major. I have a great job. It’s fine.
      I moved away. I was told that I would never make it there. I did. It was fine.

      There were things that might have turned out better if I’d decided the other way, but there’s no way to know for sure that I wouldn’t have been run over by a truck instead. So, in my opinion, it was fine.

      At one point, I did something that I really didn’t think was a great idea. Everyone else thought it was great, though. It was not. It sucked. (Of course I could be bitter about the lost years and all of that, but I’ve already tried the bitterness thing and it’s not a good use of my time.) It took a long time to put things right… but I did it… and now it’s fine.

      It was all decided by me, and it’s fine. Not perfect. Perhaps not the best it could have been, but again, there’s no way to know and it doesn’t matter, because I’m still here and I’m fine!

      You don’t have to decide now. But however things turn out – you’ll have had your reasons. It will be fine.

  17. Confused Publisher*

    My husband and I are our Christmas shopping, and I pretended not to see when a copy of Philip Pullman’s book surreptitiously made it into my husband’s shopping basket, strategically hidden under books for other family members. I think I’m getting a collection of his essays too…

    Ramona Flowers, this made me think of you.

      1. Gwenny*

        Hi Ramona. I have a copy of Pullman’s latest. I confess, I have read it, but if you don’t mind that (and you think there’s a chance you won’t get it for Christmas) I would love to pass it on to you. I don’t have the space.

  18. Menacia*

    Got the speeches about kids from a couple of people (but who will take care of you when you are old?). I’m 52, been married 15 years and *still* happily child- free. I recently read an article that boiled my blood. Women being denied their request for a tubal ligation or other form of permanent birth control because they were deemed to young to fully understand what they were doing (I’m talking women in their twenties and thirties. Just another way to prevent women from having any control, even over their own bodies. I did not have any procedure done, my husband had a vasectomy, no questions asked.

    1. PlantLady*

      I’ve heard these stories, too. So lucky that none of my PCPs ever batted an eye when I told them I was planning on staying nulliparous for life. (Maybe knowing the correct term helped?)

    2. anon24*

      I have a medical condition that is pure misery to live with, and while I can get some relief from medication, it only lasts a year at most before I have to spend months trying new meds to find one that works. The fix will eventually be some form of surgery, but that will leave me unable to have children. Great! I HATE children and am terrified of the possibility of having any. However, because I’m in my 20s, all the doctors refuse to do anything because I “may change my mind”. So I have to live in pain until I’m in my 40s because I may want to create a miniature version of myself someday. But a male my age can go get a vasectomy for no other reason than that he doesn’t want children. Wtf??? It infuriates me. If I “change my mind” which is so so unlikely I would rather adopt a hurting child than create more people in this world.

      1. Myrin*

        I’ll honestly never understand that. Not to sound heartless but if I’m a doctor and perform a procedure the patient later regrets, that’s not really my problem now, is it? (Provided I’ve sufficiently talked with them about risks etc. beforehand.) And I seriously don’t think all these doctors are such good, empathetic people that they simply can’t bear the thought of someone regretting a medical procedure; I call shenanigans. At least call it what it is, people.

        I’m so sorry you’re dealing with such pain, and stubborn arses to boot!

        1. Lissa*

          What it really is….Fear of being sued? Heh, I don’t even know. I went in for my Depo shot yesterday and they talked to me about how I’ve been on it pretty long and might not be able to continue. I brought up permanent sterilization and was very happy the doctor was supportive! She said that some weren’t, though, so she could try to find me one who was (I was at a clinic since I have no PCP). I’m almost 35 so maybe that’ll make it better than when I brought it up in my 20s.

          1. Myrin*

            I’d say the “what it really is” is the need to impose your own values on others (coupled to a lesser extent with thinking it’s horrible to not (want to) have children; also, misogyny). And really, the fear of being sued can be easily alleviated by having someone who wants to be sterilised sign some kind of form/contract before the procedure, that they’ve been informed of any risk and that they’re undergoing surgery willingly and with eyes wide open. Maybe it’s because I’m from a country where contracts and signatures are a big and important thing but it just always seems to me like doctors are making way too much of a fuss about this thing which has a pretty easy solution.

    3. Hellanon*

      Happily child free, and quite honestly, not interested in caring for my parents when they hit the next stage of elderly. That whole “who will take care of you?” argument seems like a selfish reason for having kids (and not exactly a guarantee of care, either – buy good insurance, and then have kids because you want to raise a family…)

      1. SS Express*

        Yeah, that argument really creeps me out. You’re going to create human beings with thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams just to guarantee yourself a carer when you get old? And people say not having kids is the selfish choice!

    4. Don't Blame Me*

      I’ve heard those stories too and it’s ridiculous. I’ve never had a doctor say anything directly to me but when I went to a consultation with a surgeon to have a tubal after my third child, he had this look on his face when he was asking me if I was sure I wanted the surgery that seemed to be implying he thought I’d change my mind or something … after three kids!

    5. Allypopx*

      Oh yeah. As a childless woman in my 2os who plans to remain childless with the caveat that if both my partner and I end up with FAR more money and resources than we anticipate *maybe* we’ll *consider* adopting in our 40s but I am 100% sure I never want to incubate a human – yeah, this is a thing. It’s awful.

    6. Mimmy*

      Has it become more common nowadays? I had the procedure in 2005 when I finally found a gynecologist who would refer me – the one or two before that gave me a hard time and/or tried to pin the responsibility on my husband. The surgeon who did it was wonderful. He made absolute certain that it was what I wanted, but he did not try to fight me even though I was only 31 at the time.

      It is sad that women have a difficult time asserting their preferences. If a young woman feels that having children is not a fit for them, for whatever reason, they should have the ability to make that decision. I do think that it is a decision not to be made lightly, but still! A lot of factors went into our decision to not have children and we have no regrets.

    7. Jackie*

      Yes, just another way to prevent women from having any control, even their own bodies. I was reminded of my mother who went to the doctor for a diaphragm. The doctor said to her, “You’re Catholic, aren’t you?” She said, “Yes.” And then he said he couldn’t give her a diaphragm because it was against her religion.

    8. Melody Pond*

      Yeah, this horrifies me, too. Apparently, I was lucky. I had my fallopian tubes removed earlier this year, and my OB/GYN didn’t even blink or ask me if I was sure it was what I really wanted – she was just like, “Okay, great! Here’s how this will go down, here’s what you need to know about the procedure…”

      I don’t understand why my experience isn’t shared by every woman (regardless of their age) who wants to be sterilized.

    9. Middle School Teacher*

      There was an article in today’s NYT on exactly that subject, how the medical profession is failing women (especially young women) who don’t want kids.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      This has been going on for eons. It used to be that once women got past child bearing years they were not worth treating for any problem.
      This may have worked out well for some because early treatments were pretty barbaric.

      1. Mallows*

        NSNR, would you elaborate a little on this? I don’t even know what to google to get more info. Apparently I want to rage more than I already am today.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          http://menopause-aid.blogspot.com/2012/12/menopause-history-of-research.html
          http://ellendolgen.com/2014/12/menopause-mondays-menopause-history-or-hysteria/

          I went on to find articles where mothers were dying in childbirth unnecessarily but the baby lived. So I guess she did her job and was done here?

          I have seen article that counter this idea, however, the same article will mention that there are not a lot of written materials from the era to say what treatment should be. I think that the absence of materials says everything we need to know.

          I will say though, medicine was pretty crude/primitive. One article talks about putting menopausal women in asylums for the insane (hysteria). As a balancing point, I remember reading of diabetics being incarcerated because of their behaviors when their blood sugar was off. (Jails were used to house people who could not be responsible for their actions before we had asylums.) I see an overarching problem of not addressing mental health and well being in both examples.

          But when you start digging through the specific stories the treatment of women by medicine is pretty disturbing.
          Just my opinion, I think right now we have an over compensation for previous neglect and women can be over treated sometimes. Just my opinion, though. As with anything else, “buyer beware”.

    11. K.*

      My friend was denied a tubal for years. She gave up. She’s going to try again when she turns 40. She’s married and has been saying she didn’t want kids since high school. I’ve known her since then and she has never, ever faltered on that position.

    12. Bobstinacy*

      I had my tubes tied when I was 21 – I didn’t think any doctors would do it because of my age so I had an elaborate 5 year plan to convince my GP and eventually a gynecologist to perform the operation.

      Went in, had a conversation with my GP where I outlined my reasons, she made sure I understood that it was permanent, and then I had a referal. The gynecologist was more of the same.

      I ended up having the procdure a month or so after asking for it. It’ll be 10 years this coming April and I’m still happy with my choice and I’m really grateful that my doctors respected my choices.

      1. Alex the Alchemist*

        That gives me a lot of hope! I’m 21 right now and have been considering it. Not immediately, but I think it’d be a good option. I’m on the Depo shot now to help with my extremely painful periods, and I have back problems such that it would make it extremely painful for me to be pregnant, plus there’s the whole fact that I’m gay sooooo yeah, not any biological children in the future anyway.

    13. Elizabeth West*

      This makes me so mad because, despite the obvious fact that women are ADULT HUMANS who can DECIDE THINGS FOR THEMSELVES, there are other ways to become a parent if they should happen to change their minds.

    14. JanetM*

      I was able to have my tubes tied in my early 20s. It may have helped that I walked in with a cost comparison of having the surgery vs. being on the pill my entire adult life, and also a list of all the probably-genetic conditions that run in my family (hypertension, diabetes, depression, alcoholism, and Parkinson’s).

      Even so, the gyn asked me, “What if you meet Mr. Right and he wants children?”

      My immediate, not-previously-thought-out response was, “If he wants children, he’s not Mr. Right.”

  19. Juli G.*

    I’m in my mid-thirties. My grandparents were always “Grandma” and “Grandpa”. 90% of my friends’ grandparents were the same with the other 10% being more cultural names (grandparents were immigrants).

    But now, my parents and their friends refuse the grandma and grandpa title. It’s Meme, Mimi, Mi Mo, Ni no, NeeNee.. and these aren’t titles the kids are giving, which is cute. This is self selected! My parents and I agreed on nicknames that don’t make me feel completely embarrassed to say but I avoid using my mother in law’s title as much as possible.

    Anyone else notice this trend? Is it a vanity thing to avoid appearing “old”?

    1. fposte*

      It could be, but it might also depend on your circle of friends. Meme and Maymaw have long been very common in my more rural neck of the woods, and I’m mid-fifties and knew more people with Nanas than Grandmas as a kid. So some of this may depend on their own experiential maps for the terminology.

      1. JanetM*

        I think it may be a Southern thing. My husband’s grandmothers were Mamaw (first ma pronounced like the ma in mass, not like mah; accent on the first syllable) and Granny [last name]; I don’t know what he called his grandfathers.

        My in-laws are Nana and Poppy to their grandchildren.

        My grandmothers were Gramma [first name] and my grandfather was Gramps. (I grew up in Arizona and my parents and grandparents were from New York.)

    2. Lcsa99*

      I haven’t noticed but considering what my in-laws were called when my nieces and nephews were younger (poo-poo and papa, picked by the kids, of course) it seems like picking your own nickname is smart!

    3. Allypopx*

      I had “Grammy”, my boyfriend has a “Meme” (meh may). I know Gigis. I think there’s probably a lot of factors.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Dammit, posted too soon–meant to add that the nephew always called her that and he called my dad Popper.

          FarmBoyEx’s father went by Poppy. I liked him a lot and missed him after we broke up (and I think he has passed now). So I refer to my book protagonist’s departed grandfather Poppy also.

        2. Peggy*

          My grandmother is now GiGi to her great grandkids – stands for Great Grandma! She loves it. I still call her Grammy but it confuses my nephew because to him, my mom is Grammy!

    4. Nicole*

      I’ve noticed that with my friends who had kids at a younger age who now have kids of their own. It seems like if they are under 60 they refuse to be called Grandma and opt with another moniker. Lately GiGi seems to be a popular one.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      I think it’s about differentiating different sets of living grandparents and giving little kids a word that’s easier to say.

    6. Marillenbaum*

      My mother goes by Nana with my nephews, but her mother was addressed the same way. And my dad is Morfar, which is Danish for “mother’s father”, so it makes sense for us.

    7. Courtney*

      I think it is generally a vanity thing. For my parents it’s a point of pride that they haven’t chosen a ridiculous name like many of their friends with granchildren have, haha! They’re just grandma and grandpa, like yours were. My mother in law insists on “gram gram,” which is super annoying. She repeats everything and turns so many words into baby talk. Yum-yums, fish-fish, etc. And I loathe baby talk, so it’s super annoying (and shit for the kid’s language development.)

      1. Temperance*

        Oh that’s so obnoxious. FWIW, my mother and grandmothers were like this as a child, and I absolutely loathed it. I grew up hating it, and speaking like a tiny child robot.

    8. Temperance*

      I’m around your age, and grew up with a Poppy, Pa, and Papa (great-grandfather), but I will say that I think it’s regional. I grew up in an area with a lot of young grandparents (late 30s to 40s), and they had no issue with being grandma.

      The thing that I find super weird is the Philly variant, Mom-Mom.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Actually, it could be a traditional thing from certain cultures. My MIL, who is mostly Swedish, was called mormor, which is what the Swedish use for mother’s mother.

        I think part of the reason we looked for distinct names my parents and my in-laws could use was just so we could easily tell which grandparent we were talking about without having to add a couple more syllables by appending proper names to “Grandma” and “Grandpa”.

        1. Artemesia*

          Our grandkids have: Gram (me) Granddaddy (my husband) Grandpa and Grandma, (the other grandparents) When I noticed that the first words a baby can say are often ‘nana’ for banana, I realized how smart the grannies were who opted for ‘Nana’ —

          I really dislike the ‘Pop’ Mom Mom, Papa etc choices that seem to be coopting the parental names. Couple that with intrusive grandparents and you have a recipe for disrespect for actual Mom and Pop.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          That is why it was done in my family to be able to tell every apart. Otherwise the women would all be grandma and the men would all be grandpa, then total confusion would set in.

          I think now we will see more of it with blended families.

          1. TL -*

            Yeah, my parents both came from divorced homes and I have a grandma, a grammy, an oma, and a grandma first name (one of the stepmoms was more distant than the others. She didn’t get to choose her moniker, but everyone else did.)

          2. Ron McDon*

            Our kids have a Nan and Grandad (my parents) and a Grandma and a Grandad (in-laws).

            I was initially thinking this was so we could differentiate between the two women easily, but just remembered my mum-in-law ‘telling’ my mum ‘I am going to be called Grandma so you’ll have to pick a different name’.

            Yes, she’s charming….

      2. Lcsa99*

        I don’t know that mom-mom is strictly philly. My paternal grandparents were mom-mom and pop-pop and they were very Jersey.

    9. Anxa*

      No-one in my family has every been called “grandma” or “grandpa.” I’m white, American, grew up on the East Coast, and wouldn’t really say I come from an immigrant family culture (although my grandmother was an immigrant). I don’t know any of my friends ever called theirs Grandma or Grandpa.

    10. Laura*

      I dunno.

      My paternal grandparents are/ were “Grandpapa and Grandmama.” My maternal ones are/ were “Grandy” and “Grandpa and Grandma Nic” (divorced and Grandpa Nic remarried)

      “Nana” and “Bubba” were the Great grandmothers’ nicknames.

    11. Sylvan*

      My grandparents were all Grandma/Grandpa Lastname. I think one of my mom’s grandfathers was a “Granddad,” but that’s as creative as my family got, even with immigration in the mix.

      I know it’s a cultural thing, and it’s pretty common in my own culture, but I kind of wonder about the ones who pick a nickname for themselves that sounds really close to Mama or Mommy!

    12. NaoNao*

      Yep, my mom is only 62 (which I now realize is pretty much typical Grandparent age of toddlers, but when I was a child it seemed *ancient*). She is called “Grammy K” (her first name begins with K) and was very firm about no “Grandma” or “Grandmother” style names.
      I think it’s two things:
      Don’t want to or aren’t ready to “feel” that old
      Don’t like the formality and remove of “GrandX”.

    13. Landlocked Thalassophile*

      We were the first of our generation to have kids. We both grew up saying “grandma” and “grandpa” and so that’s what we did. Without ever saying anything, that’s what they called themselves, too.
      Until…
      All the siblings who had kids after us (a good ten years later) decided for some reason to use “nana” and “papa” and some of the cousins have been particularly cruel to my kids for not using those names. And once my dd bought her grandpa a T shirt that said “best grandpa ever” and FIL returned it for the version that said “papa”
      Ouch.

    14. Lily Evans*

      I noticed that when I was working at a daycare. Every kid seemed to have different names for their grandparents and I could never keep them straight! The funniest one I ever heard was “poo-pah” (not sure how they spelled that) for a grandfather.

      For me my mom’s parents were grandma and grandpa and my dad’s were memere (meh-may) and pepere (peh-pay), but that was because they were French Canadian and that’s what all of the grandparents on that side of the family had always been called.

    15. Cristina in England*

      My mom wouldn’t pick out a ‘grandma’ nickname for herself so we just call her and my dad by their names. FWIW she never wanted to go by Mrs. Lastname either, she always told my friends to call her by her first name. But that’s easy for us because they both have one syllable names and they’re easy for my little ones to pronounce!

    16. Grandparent Names*

      My kids call my parents Mimi and Boompa. My mom didn’t want to be called grandma since that is what we called her mother. She wanted her own name and not one that has strong (sometimes negative) connotations. Boompa comes from the movie “Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation” and suits my father perfectly.

    17. Nonnymoose*

      It’s also regional. In the south, everyone has a Maw Maw, Mam Maw, or Mimi. And has for generations, definitely not a new thing :)

      1. Hope*

        Yes! All my midwest cousins called their other grandmother Mee Maw, which I have never heard anywhere else.

        1. K.*

          Funny – I associate Mee Maw with the south, though I had a coworker who has spent her life in northeastern suburbs who called one of her grandmothers that.

        2. nonegiven*

          BBT/Young Sheldon calls his grandmother Meemaw. They wrote him as being from Texas. Meemaw is played by Annie Potts and she’s a real hoot.

    18. Hope*

      My personal opinion is that it is to avoid appearing old, which is a little obnoxious but generally harmless. To be fair to the Boomers I also recently read an article about millennial parents who don’t want to go by “Mom” and “Dad” because that makes them feel old, so they use “Mama” and “Papa.” I’m a millennial parent and I definitely see the Mama thing, but not so many Papas. *shrug*

      Our toddler is the firstborn grandchild on both sides of the family so we just figured all this out. I’m Mommy, her father is Daddy, and her dad’s mom is Mamma because that’s quite literally “paternal grandmother” in her native country/language. I grew up calling my maternal grandmother “Grammy” so that’s what my mom (proudly) calls herself. My dad has been waffling on what he wants, so lord knows what she’ll end up calling him (I refer to him as “Grandpa”). The only one who wanted a different variant was my stepmom, who is a) considerably younger than my parents, and b) ever careful about not stepping on my mom’s toes. She requested to be called “Miss Firstname” which I think will be a bit confusing, but I’m not going to force her to go by something she doesn’t like – and I appreciate that she’s being considerate of my mom.

      1. Ann O.*

        I use “mama” with my daughter because it felt weird to have her call me what I call my mom. We’re a linguistically blended family, so it worked out well as she’s being raised bilingual and “mama” works in both languages.

    19. Em*

      My mother became a grandma at 55 (I was 29). She was thrilled. However, she had this mental block and from the day she found out I was pregnant, went on a crusade about not being called “grandma.” She is “not old enough to be a grandma.” She chose “Grammy” and that’s what my kids call her. My oldest is now 5, though, and will occasionally call her or refer to her as “my grandma,” and my mom HAS A COW. How “Grammy” is less “old” than “Grandma,” I do not know.

      My father (who was 54 when the first grand was born) had no problem with grandpa, but my oldest never said it right and he became “G-Pa” (Gee-pa, sometimes the kids will call him “Geep” for short) which stuck and honestly I think he likes the way it came about.

      My FIL wanted to be “Grandpa (lastname)” but never made that clear until the kids started callling him Grandad, at which point it was a lost cause. We tried getting the kids to go with Grandpa Lastname and my kid was like “that takes too long to say. Nobody calls me (first name/lastname)!” Kid had a point.

        1. Cristina in England*

          I am 37. I would love to be a grandparent! (Says someone who may be a little exhausted by my 2 under-5s)

        2. Temperance*

          One of my childhood friends is a 34-year-old grandma. My own grandmother was around that age when she became a grandparent.

    20. Fiennes*

      My grandparents (who had kids late in life, and so were early 20th century babies) weren’t called anything like grandma and grandpa — they got whatever the first grandchild came up with. So I don’t think it’s that unheard of/new. That said, with generations living longer, you may run into th situation my aunt did: when she became a grandmother, her mother was still alive and determined to be the only “Grandma” in the family! This is how my aunt became Mymee.

    21. Peggy*

      Based on the names my niece and nephews have established, my future kids will have 2 Grammies, 1 Papa, and 1 Grampy.

      My friends’ kids have Mee-Mees and Mimzies and Meemas and all sorts of odd names (all picked by the grandmothers themselves and not my friends or their kids). My mom and my MIL both just wanted to be Grammy, which I’m pretty grateful for :)

    22. Alex the Alchemist*

      Idk, I never used “Grandma” and “Grandpa” when I was growing up. My paternal grandparents were “Grandmamma” and “Granddaddy” and my maternal grandmother was “Nana.” My maternal grandfather passed away before I was born so I’ve just always said, “my grandfather” for him.

      1. Alex the Alchemist*

        I should also note that Nana lived with us, which is probably why my name for her was shorter.

    23. Cambridge Comma*

      Same with me, my mother insists on Nonna despite not being Italian. She thinks it’s more stylish. My dad wants to be called by his first name. My MIL wants Anma (from grandma). I thought they would be nan and grandad like my late grandparents. I feel really stupid saying these names. The baby is 4 weeks old so we’ll see.
      I think it’s because they don’t identify with the lives their parents lived when we were born. They are certainly not shy about saying they are grandparents.

    24. Sled dog mama*

      Bro in law had kids before we got married and his kids named hubby’s dad Pap-Pap which FIL hated. MIL told them to call her Nana.
      I grew up with Gran and Poppy (who was Granddaddy to all the cousins) and Grandma and Granddaddy. I was afraid that my daughter would be confused but by the time she was two she was very clear that Granddaddy was my Grandfather and Granddad is my Dad. I thought it would be nice to call my mom something other than grandma since her mother had a different name and she and my dad’s mom never got along great, she selected Grandma’am. I think it’s weird, my daughter loves it.

    25. Someone else*

      The terms gran, granny, gram, grammy, nan, nana, meemaw, maymaw, maymie, mimo, mimma, gamma, gammy, gemma, gigi, gangan, gankie, nona have all been used as nicknames for grandmothers over the past 50 years, if not longer, but are to a certain extent regional. If these are among those you perceive to be popping up more frequently, it may be more indicative of a geographic shift, rather than newness of the terms. Less consistently common: pretty much anything that could be a mispronunciation of any part of “grandmother” or “grandma” pops up in English in various smaller clusters. It’s true that the less conspicuous names are picking up steam in the past 20 years, but most do have origins stemming from the full word or variations of it in other languages.

    26. SS Express*

      Obviously a lot of the “alternative” grandparent titles are actually just from other regions/cultures, but I do think there’s also a trend for names that don’t carry the same connotations as grandma, grandpa, nana, etc. Magazines have been talking about it for a good ten years now and I’ve definitely noticed it with the people I know too (i.e. people who I know don’t belong to a culture where their chosen title is actually common). I suppose it makes sense, once upon a time you’d probably be retired (women especially) with grey hair and glasses once you became a grandparent, but these days people are seen as “young” for much longer.

      Personally I find it a bit cringey when people choose a title from a language/culture that isn’t their own – e.g. yia yia when they aren’t remotely Greek – but that might just be because the only person I personally knew who did it was pretentious in other ways too.

    27. EmilyAnn*

      My parents decided on cutesy nicknames before my niece was born, because other grandparents live in a foreign country and barely get to see her. So the grandparents who are far away get the distinct titles, and they get the time and closeness and the cute nicknames.

  20. Allypopx*

    I had a 3am panic attack, didn’t sleep great. In my sleepy stupor got on the wrong bus. Realized when we got to the supermarket and walked the mile uphill back home. Woke up my boyfriend for a ride to the train. Ended up being an hour late for work.

    How’s everyone else’s morning going?

    1. Nicole*

      Sorry about your panic attack. Those are the worst!

      Having a relaxing morning just browsing this open thread. Usually I’m running errands so this is different, but good. It’s nice and sunny outside and I’m enjoying it since it gets dark out way too early now. I really dislike winter.

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      Well, my husband told me that the friends who were going to visit from abroad around Christmas are actually coming in less than a week. And he’s known for a week. And he thought he had told me. And no, he didn’t think about how strange it was that I hadn’t brought it up in conversation.

      We are not currently guest ready. I am really really stressed for various reasons.

    3. Sylvan*

      Ugh. UGH. I’m very sorry that happened.

      My morning has been good. I ran errands and now I’m sitting here reading comments while my cat snores beside me.

    4. Effie, who is worth it*

      Sorry to hear!

      I was slowmoving this morning so I arrived at the studio with twenty minutes to set up instead of my usual forty so I ran around turning everything on and then had the speed-mopping session of my life.

      Strangely everyone else arrived late too, so unfortunately I could not teach the whole class time but at least it wasn’t that I was late and everyone was waiting for me!

    5. Elizabeth West*

      Mine was horrible when I got up and discovered we were now officially an oligarchical kleptocracy, but then I went to meditation and coffee and feel a little better now and ready to kick some arses. Plus it was nice out today, although that is going to change after this weekend.

  21. Penny*

    Is it normal for the bark of a dog to get deeper and raspier with age? My 13 year old small breed family dog has had a high pitched and yappy bark for since she was a pup but this year when I went to visit my parents, I notified her bark has been a lot deeper. She’s not sick with a cold or anything, this has now been her bark for months. We’ve had other dogs since I was young but I never noticed before like I am with her. Is this normal?

    1. fposte*

      A little deeper, sure, though that’s mostly when they graduate from the puppy barks; raspier is something I’d want to get checked out. I’d say it’s worth asking a vet about this.

    2. Athena*

      Agreed. Usually they get a slightly deeper bark when they’re adults, and it doesn’t change much from there. Our retrievers graduated from puppy bark to VERY STERN DEEP BARK quite quickly and at a very young age.

    3. Chaordic One*

      Is she barking or howling a lot? More than usual? I left my westie in a boarding kennel for a week and I when I picked him up his usual bark was a soft low-pitched “woof”. I was told that he howled (apparently out of lonesomeness) the whole time that I was gone, although the people at the kennel petted hime and played with him regularly he didn’t like it there. I think he missed me. Anyway, after a couple of days his voice returned to normal.

  22. Kana*

    Does anyone have advice for contacting someone you used to date after a long time of no contact?

    In my situation, I dated someone for a very short time- less than 2 months. We had a lot in common and it was going well but her ex asked for her back and she took some time to choose between us but ended up ending things with me. She wanted to be friends but we stopped talking after a few weeks. Now it’s 2 years later and I found she’s single again. Things ended well but we haven’t talked in over a year and a half. I know she’s looking again and I assume she thinks I don’t want to talk to her. Would it be weird to contact her to catch up/ see how she’s been, and see if we could at least be friends again? I’m not trying to jump back into dating her but I regret not staying in touch.

    1. Merci Dee*

      Never hurts to try. But I would caution you to be very sensitive to her cues about this – she ended the relationship before, and may find that it’s awkward to try to resume it now. But, even if things don’t work out, at least you’ll know.

    2. PainScientist*

      I don’t think it’s weird to check back and see if she’s willing to try to be friends again! I’d mention something about having been reminded of her recently and wondering she’d like to catch up.

      I regularly see little things that remind me of friends (to be fair, not former dates/partners) who I haven’t talked to in a year or two and reach out to those friends (usually framing it as “I saw this fun fact about xxx/saw a xxx is close to where I moved to/found out that xxx and thought about you – how have you been?”). I haven’t gotten a negative response yet.

    3. Red Reader*

      Heh. I’ve recently been pondering dropping a “Hi, how’s life been” to my ex-husband. I think it’s probably been … 5 years? since we had any interaction. So far I’ve refrained because I don’t really have any actual purpose behind it, which makes me think I’m a little too close to “I want to know how his life is because I’m pretty sure that he’s still in just about the same place he was when we separated, while my life has improved beyond my wildest dreams since then, and I’d like to kind of rub that in a little bit.” And really, that’s not a good reason for anything. (Even if it would be immensely gratifying. :P )

    4. Rebecca*

      About 2.5 years ago, out of the blue, I got a Facebook friend request from a man I last saw when he was 21 and I was 19, 33 years! I was blown away. We were so close, not boyfriend/girlfriend but everyone thought we were “together”, and we both went our separate ways, married other people, although he tracked me down just before I was going to get married and I told him I was in a relationship…fast forward to 2015…and we’re both available again. We’ve kept in touch, and hope to meet up at some point in the near future. (confession, I just adore him!) so glad he reached out to me.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      I’ve done that before. Just ask her if she’d like to meet up. If she says no, wish her well and move on.

    6. Lissa*

      I think you should go for it with one caveat – if it’s been like, less than a month since things with her ex ended, I wouldn’t. You risk looking vulturey even if it isn’t the intent.. I say this because there’s an unfortunate phenomenon where suddenly someone is single and somebody else will be all over their social media…

  23. NoodleMara*

    My laptop was working fine except the charging port has failed. It runs fine otherwise. Also unfortunately, lenovo has dropped all support for it so I can’t even buy a docking station. So I’m buying a new laptop which was so not in my plan this year.

    1. Undine*

      I was able to buy a second hand docking station on ebay for my old laptop. My first & only purchase on ebay.

      1. NoodleMara*

        Yeah I checked around there. I actually bought the test charger from someone on ebay because i couldnt find one anywhere else. My main issue is that I couldn’t find a battery for my model that had the docking station ports.

    2. Artemesia*

      I discovered that Apple doesn’t support its laptops after 5 years; I have a small problem and they won’t even change a battery. I have been buying Apple from the beginning and have owned maybe 20 including work products over time. We have four right now, two desk tops and two laptops. They don’t support upgrades of their new photo ap to allow access to their old photo ap so I have a back up drive full of photos I can’t access on my new desk top and a laptop that won’t work without being plugged in.

      I think much as I love Apple products I may be done. Need a new laptop and if Apple is going to be a pain to use I might as well go with a much cheaper product. My laptop is basically good but they won’t fix the problem it has. So screw Apple.

      1. SL #2*

        Wait, really? Is the 5-year rule new policy? I was able to get a battery replacement for my 7-year old MBP earlier this year.

    3. ArtK*

      What model is it? I have a docking station for a T61p that I don’t really need. Also, you may be able to find someone independent who can repair the charging port (sure it isn’t the battery that is bad?)

      1. NoodleMara*

        It’s a Y510p. It doesn’t come with the docking station battery standard and I haven’t been able to find anything online if it even had one. I have to hold the cord at a really weird angle to get it to charge so I’m pretty sure it’s the charging port. I’ve never had any issues with it otherwise.

        1. ArtK*

          Have you tried a different wall wart? The cable going into the PC-side plug often breaks down, which would explain the wonky angle. An independent shop might be able to fix the port itself if that’s the problem.

          1. NoodleMara*

            Yeah I bought a new charger to test and I had to hold it at the same weird angle to get it to charge.

    4. moql*

      I’ve had several Lenovo’s that I thought had a broken charging port, but getting a new charging cord temporarily fixed the problem. The port was super wiggly and that was definitely *a* problem, but a new charging cord allowed it to limp along a while longer.

      Both laptops died only a few months after though, due to many other issues. Once the charging port goes that means everything else is about to die as well. So, don’t feel bad about having to replace the cord for *just* the port. It’s about to be everything else as well.

      1. NoodleMara*

        That’s really good to know! I bought a new cord but it still is the same issue so I know it’s definitely the port. That corner has been a little funky for a while, the keyboard area clicks a lot, the cover on the exhaust port came off. I’m not super impressed with lenovo and maybe if they were selling gaming laptops at the same price I got this one, I’d get another but they increased the price and if I’m only going to get three and a half years, that’s not worth it.

        I’m going to get a Dell because the number of times I’ve dropped my work computer is astounding and it still works fine.

    6. Struck by Lightning*

      If it’s otherwise in good shape, it’s worth getting an estimate on having it replaced. I’ve had 2 done (idiot dog likes to run full tilt into my laptop cord & rip ot out. Not good for them) One was $125 because they had to order a part; other was @$70 because they could just reattach the part that was loose inside the dc port.

  24. Stacy*

    Questions for folks with experience with MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome).

    I’ve suspected MCAS since last Spring when I had an awful time recovering from dry socket from a wisdom tooth extraction. We actually talked a little about it in one of the open threads at the time, which is what prompted me to really start looking into it. Got in with a good allergist in the area who ordered a zillion tests (blood work) and everything came back normal. As I suspected it would because I wasn’t symptomatic at the time.

    Fast forward to this week. Thursday I quickly developed major flushing and hives while at work that progressed super quickly. Left early to get Benadryl, and amazingly was able to get in to my primary care doctor like an hour later because the allergist can’t see me until January. Which, doesn’t work for me when having an acute reaction. The Benadryl kicked in enough that it was getting better by the time my doctor saw me, but by the time I got home it was back and much worse. So I’ve been alternating Benadryl and Zyrtec, drinking tons of water, etc. Yesterday was much improved, and bam: this morning it just started back up again.

    So, questions: does this sound familiar to anyone? Coincidentally I’m fasting for labs in a couple of hours so I haven’t eaten anything for like 10 hours, so I really don’t think it’s something I’m ingesting. Our other thought was that maybe someone in close proximity to me had a fragrance or something on that I may have been reacting to, but this seems to rule out that possibility since it’s the weekend and I’m still in PJs in bed. Does anyone have a MCAS diagnosis? How long did it take to get to that point? I also have EDS and Dysautonomia, so I’m pretty sure it’s the EDS/Dysautonomia/MCAS trifecta for the win.

    1. fposte*

      No help for you, but wow, does this sound like what a friend of mine with EDS deals with. I’ll have to mention it to her.

    2. SL #2*

      My friend with EDS/dysautonomia does also have MCAS and these symptoms all sound pretty familiar. I’d say it took her about 2 years after the initial EDS diagnosis to get the MCAS one too.

    3. Temperance*

      Wow. So I did a little investigation, based on your comment, and I seriously think this explains so much. I react to histamine-rich foods, like bell peppers, and regularly get hives, rashes, etc. My allergy tests came back clear, but my allergies are terrible. I should probably bring this up with my doctor.

    1. Caledonia*

      Wow! That is like a department store tree. I can’t wait to see it decorate (please share another pic/video)

    5. Melody Pond*

      Wow, that’s great! And the tree is HUGE, and I loved seeing video of the cats interacting. I’d love to see more of that after it’s decorated!

      1. Artemesia*

        the tree is fabulous but I’d be terrified to have a gorgeous real tree that close to the fireplace; those things are tinder pretty quickly

        1. Not So NewReader*

          There are Christmas ornaments that are actually smoke detectors. I think they are a good idea.

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Ha, it is fake. My husband’s allergies mean no real trees for us. I just tell myself it’s real, and since I didn’t grow up with any tree, real or fake (as I’m Jewish), I can’t really tell the difference.

          1. tigerStripes*

            I grew up with real trees and have a fake one now, and I much prefer the fake tree. It’s cleaner, it doesn’t require water, I just pull it out of the garage and put it together, if the kitties knock it over, it doesn’t really matter. So much easier!

            When I was a kid, I remember us going out in the cold and the rain to get a “cut it yourself tree” (they were cheaper). I don’t miss that.

            1. JamieS*

              Ditto. The worst part for me was that I didn’t understand why I needed to be there in the first place. What? Was somebody expecting 6 year old asthmatic me and my small for her age 5 year old sister to be the ones carrying that spruce up the hill and out of the forest? I would’ve rather been left home with some cocoa and Rudolph.

    6. Windchime*

      Beautiful! I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen a video of your cats and it’s a little surreal to see them in motion. I love how Sam and Lucy are quietly relaxing in the chair and just calmly observing the others while they tussle.

      Your home looks really cozy and warm.

    9. tigerStripes*

      Beautiful tree! I think Sam and Lucy were watching Olive and Eve as if they were entertaining – look at the young ones getting up to stuff!

  26. Ice Bear*

    I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about negativity lately.

    When I was younger I was often accused of being too negative and I’ve worked really hard not to come across that way even though I think I still do from time to time. It’s just ingrained in me now to see the flaws in things first and foremost. However, when it came up in therapy my therapist didn’t think I was a negative person at all, but pointed out how I grew up surrounded by it. Since I’m still in contact with my parents and siblings I’m still around it, just not daily, and I try not to let their poor attitude drag me down.

    For instance, I was happily baking away in my kitchen on Thanksgiving when I got a text from a relative who basically ranted about not understanding why we celebrate the holiday when it was about raping and pillaging (their words, not mine). What am I even supposed to say to that? I opted to not reply until the next day so I didn’t let their negativity spoil my day. And when I did reply I basically said I like the holiday because of the food, family time, and games we end up playing. What I didn’t say is that I think they can choose whether to focus on history, or turn the holiday into something they enjoy, and by choosing the former they are only making themselves miserable.

    I can see why this person is so unhappy because they focus on all the injustice in the world. They get mad and dismissive of me when I suggest they think about the good stuff going on in their life personally vs terrible stuff they read about happening to people they don’t even know. I’m not suggesting they shouldn’t care, but they get so worked up over it when there’s nothing they can do. Then they get disappointed with me and accuse me of not not wanting to have deep conversations. Right, because I don’t want to discuss death and disappointment during the holidays?

    The thing is, I DO get it, I just know myself well enough to know that I have to put other people’s suffering out of my mind or I’ll drown in despair. They see that as avoiding things. Is it? I think it’s my way of coping with being an HSP (highly sensitive person) which I suspect they are too.

    In any case, considering how miserable this person seems to be most of the time and how I haven’t suffered a major depressive episode since the summer of 2016, I think my method works, at least for me.

    I just wish my family could find a way to be happier so I would enjoy my interactions with them more. I don’t have a very large family and when I try to “rally the troops” so to speak I often get smacked down with reality which sucks. I just want to have a fun time, particularly around the holidays, and not talk about how the world is a horrible place. There will always be terrible things going on but there’s also wonderful things if you look for them. I find it ironic that I can’t seem to win. I’m either too negative or I’m accused of being superficial. Why can’t it be that I’m trying against all odds to enjoy life before it’s too late? No one ever laid on their deathbed wishing they complained about life more.

    1. fposte*

      I think this is a really interesting and complicated issue. I’ve known a lot of people over the years who really believe that anybody truly in touch with the world has to be unhappy because there are so many things wrong; this just seems like arrant self-justification for a mindset or a belief practice to me, though, since you could equally say that anybody truly in touch with the world has to be happy because so many things are wonderful. There are definitely groups that seem to use unhappiness as a badge of something important to them.

      But it is often a group practice, and it’s not likely you’re going to change your family’s behavior by rallying the troops any more than you’ll change their practice of having whatever food at Thanksgiving by telling them that barbecued ribs are great and they should have them. Just as it was ingrained into you and you shared it with other people without realizing what you were doing, that’s what they’re doing. You only changed after some soul-searching and work that you voluntarily put in, and they’re not there.

      So I think your solution is to do what you’re doing with the texts–disengage from the negativity and put out what you want in the world. What I’d say is the next task is to find the reward in that and not look for recognition from the people you got that negative tendency from. (And it doesn’t matter who you are or what behavior you’re talking about, some people will always think you’re too much and others that you’re not enough, so I wouldn’t spend energy trying to please both sides there.)

      One to one with a close relative, you might be able to bring it up more directly: “Mom, I feel like we spend so much time talking about what’s wrong in our lives and it’s not good for anybody. Let’s talk about some good things that have happened.”

    2. Marillenbaum*

      I feel that. It might be worthwhile to readjust so that you do small-doses interactions with these people when you want to be happy, and maybe open your social gatherings to people who are more likely to want to share your joy? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be happy–in fact, happy people are more likely to help others and do things to make the world a better place (volunteer, engage in civic activism, donate money) precisely because their cup is full.

    3. Menacia*

      What I find interesting about people who focus on the negative is that they never actually *do* anything that allows them to focus on something positive. Why not use that energy to volunteer which not only brings positive outcomes to others, but also yourself. I think it’s truly fear that keep people this way, and they think by building this wall of negatively around themselves it becomes a type of shield.

      1. SpiderLadyCEO*

        I have noticed this too. I have a friend, who I love dearly, who cannot maintain their house, is always depressed and exhausted and talking about self-care and calls themself an activist.

        Meanwhile, other friends volunteer, donate, and keep aware and are happy and fulfilled.

        There is a balance between making yourself miserable, and being miserable to the people around you, and helping things get better. I do think we need to acknowledge the horrific origins of Thanksgiving and in inequality and injustice of how Native Americans are treated today, but do something good and kind, and move on with your day. For most people, thanksgiving is a celebration of gratefulness and joy at the things they have. Very few anymore celebrate it with any historical significance, and I think that is OK.

        I feel very strongly that when you see a problem, instead of complaining you should work to fix it in any little way that you can.

    4. Undine*

      Negative world-view is both a symptom and feeder of depression. I definitely grew up with a family that prided themselves on their morose, oppressive realism. Ironically, this coexisted with a total inability to process negative feelings or express them in a healthy way, so there was lots of rage, weeping, and slammed doors. I think there can be a lot of displacement, looking out at the horrible things of the world and talking about them because that is a reflection of an inner state you don’t want to examine.

      Good cheer can be a denial, or it can be an investment. There’s a book, “How we choose to be happy” you might be interested in.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        How we choose to be happy…
        This is key. Some people want the “reality” as they call it. They find that preferable to “being happy”. Some people chase happiness so hard that they can never be happy because they are always chasing and never arriving at their destination.
        To me it boils down to what do you want your life to look like?

        The higher level in my mind is contentment. Contentment is enduring where happiness can be fleeting and social outrage is unfulfilling. Outrage/anger can leave us very empty on the inside.

        1. Athena*

          This. For ages after my depression, I tried to hold onto it – it was all I knew. I’m not sure whether that significantly contributed to the length of my depression, but I know it did at the tail end, and choosing to be content and let things go made things seem a lot brighter.

          OP, chase your happiness. Life’s hard enough without others dragging you down.

    5. nep*

      You’re not avoiding the trouble and suffering in the world. Being positive is an act of rebellion against all the negativity, the way I see it. Whom or what does it serve to be negative and fixate on all the bad things going on in the world? No one, nothing.
      By wanting to enjoy the short time we’ve got, you’re not in denial. You’ve simply got a different perspective.
      I really like the saying/sentiment ‘be the change you wish to see in the world’…or: ‘better to light a candle than to curse the darkness’. I know — just sayings…But there is something to this.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Am chucking, if I have to be here on this planet I will make the best of it. To those reality people or negative people I have to ask, “Okay so you see a situation that is not right. How are you willing to help to fix this wrong?”

        If they are not willing to help fix the wrong and they are not willing to stop talking about it, then they are whiners. There’s lots of wrongs I cannot fix but I let it push me along so I do try to fix the wrongs within my reach.

    6. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I think one of the hardest things for me to learn is that wallowing in my worry, fear, and (justified) pessimism was a way for me to feel like I was doing something, while avoiding actually doing hard or vulnerable things that matter, like picking up the phone, going to protests, or facing up to my own complicity. I also feel, especially among white-middle class people, that it can be a bit performative. Not that it’s not understandable– it absolutely is– and I’m a little suspicious of people who act like everything’s totally fine with the world. But I think it’s possible to find a balance of joy/gratitude and critical action.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. It is possible to be outraged by one event and in total gratitude/awe over another unrelated event.

      3. SpiderLadyCEO*

        Agreed. I think the best way to help is to do it quietly. No one needs to know how much you give to charity, no one needs to know how many hours you volunteer at the soup kitchen. If you show up at the protest, take ten selfies, and go home, how much good did you really do?

    7. Stellaaaaa*

      I’ve been accused of being negative. Since I’m often the one to has to fix problems, I tend to try to predict them before they rear their heads. At work I’ve been the one to say, “If we go forward with this marketing campaign, we’re going to get a lot of calls and emails because X part of the ad is confusing.” And then we do. And eventually people realize that I was right.

      The trick is that I’ve learned to identify which problems are worth pointing out. I try to balance my “necessary” negative statements with positive ones, and that’s easier to do when you realize that you don’t have to make yourself responsible for fixing everything.

      1. Reba*

        That’s a great distinction. I also see the negatives and potential negatives in things. I have a critical mind; my mom likes to say that I was born with the red pencil in my hand. And for me, outside of work-related stuff (when corrections are frequently necessary), criticizing something is part of how I enjoy it! I can live with the ambiguity that things can be partly good and partly bad!

        Explaining that last part–that offering a criticism =/= totally trashing something and “I can’t believe you would like this”–and also learning to curb and reorganize my critical thoughts in settings where they’re not needed, have helped a lot with family time. Seeing popular movies together, for example ;)

        I think about the world suffering vs personal happiness stuff a lot. I made art about it, including an artist’s book called “Want and Plenty.” It’s been my experience that even people in devastatingly hard circumstances also have moments of happiness and joy (see again that ambiguity thing). There *are* many terrible things in the world but there is also love and grace, which we should enjoy where we can. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about the other.

    9. Lissa*

      You make me think of a friend of mine who is like this. All conversations will lead to injustice and any time someone posts/says something happy, it seems they have to point out how it still isn’t perfect. When someone was celebrating finally being able to legally marry their partner, they posted “But X group still doesn’t have full rights yet! Marriage equality isn’t good enough.” Ok yes, but time and place.

      Their latest thing is pointing out who is awful in any form of media, it’s to the point where I can’t mention a movie I liked without getting a lecture on why they’re boycotting it. I know, I get it, but…sometimes I just wanna see Thor and turn my brain off.

      They also constantly mock white people in this really smug way. They are white! But it’s like a way to point out how they aren’t like those “other” white people.

    10. Totally Minnie*

      I read a study a year or so ago, and I can’t find it now. The basic idea was that the neural connections in your brain that get the most use are the ones that get stronger. So continually going down negative thought patterns actually makes it easier for your brain to continue in those negative thought patterns.

  27. AnnaleighUK*

    We’ve been invited to a ‘Friendsmas’ potluck by a guy in our triathlon club. Potlucks aren’t really a thing here in the UK so it’s quite exciting to go to one! We’re taking two dishes – R is making his legendary tiramisu cake (bestseller at his cafe) and I’m trying to decide what to take as a main course dish. Leaning towards a stew or a casserole – experienced potluck people, what works for you? And do I need to provide a side dish as well? We were asked to do a dessert and a main course but what about vegetable sides? Is it bad form to bring a side dish too?

    1. I get that*

      Just bring what you were asked. Others would have been asked to bring sides. I would prefer the stew.

    2. Marthooh*

      Just bring what you were asked to bring. Trust the host/organizer to figure out how much of what everyone should contribute. Either stew or casserole works as a potluck main course, being easy to dish out. Speaking of which… it wouldn’t be bad form at all to bring serving utensils, say a cake knife and a serving spoon.

      Have fun!

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        Good point, serving spoon and cake knife! I’ll write that down now so I don’t forget. Thanks!

        1. Artemesia*

          I have lost two nice serving spoons from my stainless at potlucks. consider picking up an inexpensive serving spoon and knife that you dn’t have to worry about.

      2. Laura*

        Label the serving utensils (and possibly the containers) with your last names so that should they get lost in the bustle of things, they have a better chance of getting back to you.

    3. CAA*

      Don’t bring any more dishes than you’re assigned. Also, don’t make too much of your assigned dish. If there are going to be 20 people and everyone brings a dish that’ll feed 20, but nobody actually eats 20 servings of food, most of it will go home, so the more you make the more leftovers you’ll have. For very small groups it makes sense to bring enough of your dish to feed everyone, but when the group is large, the math (and the leftovers) quickly get out of control!

      1. AnnaleighUK*

        There’s about 30 people going so I was going to make a dish that served about 15 – 20, we can deal with leftovers. Or should I do one that serves less? R suggested I do a shepherd’s pie, I have a nice big dish that would make a 20-portion one easily. This is quite fun, I think potlucks should be more if a Thing over here.

        1. Artemesia*

          Shepherd’s pie would be fabulous and in my experience good main courses seem to be rare; I’d make a big one and not worry about leftovers. Bet there won’t be any. People always take more things at a potluck than a served dinner e.g. if there are 3 main courses, everyone will sample all three.

        3. CAA*

          Shepherd’s Pie is a perfect potluck dish. I’ve brought it myself and since I love it so much, I never mind having it left over.

        4. Gingerblue*

          That sounds great! I wouldn’t do a stew, personally—at potlucks people usually wind up trying a little bit of a lot of dishes because everything looks good, and with dishes that need separate serving arrangements like bowls can be neglected because people don’t want to take a bowl with just a little in it. Something that is easy to divide and can go on a plate with other stuff is probably your best bet.

        5. SS Express*

          Shepherd’s pie is a perfect choice! Easy to make ahead, transport, serve, and pack up if there are leftovers, insanely delicious, and it’s kind of a whole meal so your side dish dilemma is solved too.

    4. Grumpy*

      If you were here I’d lend you “Run Fast, Eat Slow” (the cookbook by the lady who just won the NYC marathon). The book is excellent and has crowd-pleasing, easy recipes for people trying to fit long training runs into crazy-busy lives.
      No affiliation here, I paid full price for the book and love it.

    5. Mephyle*

      I would suggest you bring something that can be served on a plate; that doesn’t require a bowl. It’s more convenient for a potluck, which is essentially like a buffet when it comes people serving themselves. It’s more convenient if they can put everything they try on the same plate. A stew either needs a bowl or runs all over the plate into the other dishes.

  28. StudentA*

    So, do you think Kevin Spacey will ever perform again? I highly doubt it. He’ll be interviewed on CNN or something (uh, there’s no more Larry King and Charlie Rose doesn’t have a show anymore, so who’s fit for such a high profile interview, I don’t know). Regardless, I considered him absolutely brilliant and it’s a shame this is the reality.

    1. CAA*

      My cynical expectation is that many of these offenders will be “rehabilitated” and find their way back into some alternative version of their former lives. I think this is especially likely for those in entertainment or news, less so for those in politics. Spacey may not star in a movie, but in a few years I won’t be that surprised if he’s getting supporting roles in film, guest roles on TV, acting on stage, or turning up as a writer or producer.

      2. Don't Blame Me*

        Yeah, usually in Hollywood you just have to wait long enough for the scandal to die down and do something that gets you back in the public’s good graces and voila!

    2. all aboard the anon train*

      I think it’s less likely in Spacey’s case because he’s not straight, and while what he did was awful and he should be punished for it, I do think people were much harsher towards him than they have been with straight men who abused women. The accusations against Spacey whipped up a lot of “see, the gays are deviant and evil!” furor again while straight male abusers were justified by a lot of people (I’ve seen a lot more people say they’ll refuse to support Spacey but say they have no problem supporting Polanski, Depp, Gibson, Weinstein, etc).

      Unfortunately, straight white men get off easier with these types of abuses than anyone else. Look at Winona Ryder, who was basically exiled from Hollywood for shoplifting for almost two decades, while countless straight white men continued to have lucrative careers despite being brought up on charges of abuse or bigotry.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I observed far more backlash about Spacey using his coming out as a redirect / shield. He got called out on that by a LOT of people. Besides Kevin, we already knew. :P

        1. K.*

          I didn’t even realize he wasn’t out! I thought he came out years ago – like, before he was famous. I don’t know anyone who thought he was straight. I’d heard rumors about him liking young men for years.

          My gay friends were livid when he came out in response to Rapp’s accusation because he himself made room for the “see, gay men are predators!” narrative by doing that. There was a lot of talk among that subset of friends about “setting [them] back.”

        2. all aboard the anon train*

          I don’t think a lot of people already knew about his sexuality. There was a lot of surprise over it when people were discussing it at work and some social gatherings I went to. Unless someone explicitly comes out, I don’t really trust rumors about their sexuality because they’ve been wrong often enough. I’ve never been a big enough fan to follow his life, so I never really heard anything about it.

          He deserves backlash about redirecting the allegations to his coming out because it was pretty harmful to the LGBTQA+ community, but at the same time, there have been plenty of straight actors who have used shields against allegations and haven’t gotten the same pushback.

          I’m not trying to justify his actions, but just browsing the internet there was a lot of “he’s awful” – which yes, he is – and then those same people handwaving all the straight men who’ve raped, harassed, or abused women. Since those accusations, I’ve heard far more justification from certain people on why it’s okay to be suspicious of queer adults around children…and very little about being suspicious of grown men who prey on underage women. Twitter is full of this kind of sentiment.

    3. Ann O.*

      I’m sure he’ll perform again, but I wouldn’t consider it a shame if he didn’t. He was a serial predator. He should be in jail, and instead he’s simply lost his gigs. Assuming he didn’t spend foolishly, he won’t even be suffering financially.

      The only shame I see is that he was allowed to get away with his behavior for so long.

    4. Anon4This*

      I wonder if he will, considering Anthony Rapp was underage at the time. But then there is that director, Podlanski? who was actually charged and might have been convicted, yet ran from justice for 20 years until the victim finally said, “I give up, I dont want to pursue this anymore, I want to move on with my life.”

      And here’s where I’m going to get in trouble – how much will the age difference play into his “rehabilitation”?

  29. CatCat*

    Any soap makers here? What processes do you use?

    I am interested in cold process since I have greater control over ingredients, but my main hang up is that I have to work in my kitchen and so I am really hesitant to use lye in the same space where we prepare our foods. For this reason, I am leaning toward melt and pour soap base options. In addition, the possibilities with the clear bases seem fun.

    Any insight appreciated!

    1. Book Lover*

      Melt and pour is easy and fun and you can do a lot of things with different colors and inserts.

    2. Gingerblue*

      I’ve done a tiny bit of cold process and I think the dangers tend to be overblown—there’s a lot of stuff I wouldn’t want in my food that I routinely use to clean the kitchen. Just be mindful to clean up well afterwards and you should be fine.

      Melt and pour looks like a lot of fun and more relaxing, though!

    3. Nana*

      Before ‘investing’ in the makings, see if anyone you know is a soap-maker and would lend supplies so you can try it. I did that…and realized I didn’t really want to make soap! (I did melt-and-pour, BTW)

    4. Amadeo*

      Lye gets used for a lot of things in food. Pretzels, hominy and so on. Just wipe up after you soap and you’ll be fine. I soap in the kitchen all the time and mix my lye water down in the sink. It tickles my inner mad scientist. I’ve been soaping for two years and know a little bit if you have questions about cold process.

      I can’t help you much with melt and pour though.

    5. SAHM*

      I’ve been soaping for about 4.5 years. It’s fun! I’ve had to take a step back during the busier seasons of life, but I love CP soap. Before we moved to New House I would soap in the kitchen, but now I have a room separate just for me! I wouldn’t stress too much on the lye, it is MUCH easier to mix your lye water in a bowl in a sink than anywhere else (I once spilled a bowl of lye water against the wall and it ate through the baseboards, oh well), so spillage can get washed straight down the sink!
      MP is also great, I use MP for all my embeds since they’re so easy and fast to make, plus the clarity makes it more fun to add glitter! Which is the one thing I have against CP is the fact you can really only add glitter to the top, it doesn’t really come through too much within the bar, of course I can do a mica line but the amount of mica for the line….. eh. It’s just not my style.

    6. JulieBulie*

      I made soap (cold process) for a few years, a couple of decades ago. I did it in my kitchen. The lye is really not a problem. Mix it with water in the sink. It will ionize in the water and not get into your food.

      Do use a separate pot and utensils for soaping, though – not because of the lye, but because they can be greasy and difficult to clean after soaping (and possibly smelling perfumey and/or having residual pigment/dye) – NOT good for your food.

      Melt & pour is a totally different experience than cold process soaping. Both activities result in soap, of course, but I never found melt & pour as satisfying.

    7. Fishing Rick*

      I love melt and pour – it’s like my own little science project and it’s really hard to screw up so bad the soap isn’t usable. I make lots of fun things for my boys and friends.

      I thought about making the jump to cold process but don’t really have enough time to devote to it right now.

  30. Hoping for a Doggyfriend*

    I’m relatively new to the adult world and I really really want a dog at some point. Buuuuut… I’m having trouble figuring out how your average adult with a typical work schedule and a non-dog-friendly workplace manages to keep happy dogs, especially if they live in apartment buildings where it might be harder to have dog walkers come pick up your canine during the day. I could imagine it if I (or my partner) lived close enough to work to duck out for half an hour and get the dog out for a bathroom break in the middle of the day, but neither of us currently do.

    If you manage it, how do you do it?

    1. KR*

      I have an older boy, so as long as he goes potty before I leave for work he is fine just snoozing until I get home from work. He just needs a walk at least a couple of times a week and needs some loving when I get home. Most dog walkers are used to having to come in apartment buildings and the like – I use the Rover app. Your results may vary but I found my petsitter through there and she’s lovely. Maybe a puppy might not be for you if you don’t have someone to check on him throughout the day or a flex schedule to hang out with him during the day sometimes, but a middle aged or senior pup might be right for you.

      1. Hoping for a Doggyfriend*

        Thank you, that makes sense! I definitely don’t think my life would be fair for a puppy (and I’m not entirely sure I have the patience for one anyway), so I was definitely thinking of adopting an adult or older dog. This hope of mine wouldn’t be implemented for a while anyway; my work schedule is about to change dramatically with the new year and I would want to figure out how it might fit a pet. I’m a grad student and about to start in labs rather than merely taking classes, so my schedule will get busier and necessitate more time away from home. (Depending on what happens with this tax bill, my financial flexibility might also be changing, which could make me scrap the idea entirely.)

        1. TL -*

          I would not get a dog until you know what your lab schedule is going to be like – I’d wait until you’re in a routine on a project, unless your partner is okay doing the bulk of the dog work.

    2. Nicole*

      Older dogs typically can hold it until you get home from work. When my SIL lived with us no one came home during the day and her dog was fine. She mostly slept when everyone was gone and was confined to the kitchen without food or water. She was fairly lazy overall, so she wasn’t put out by this arrangement.

      We got a puppy last year and decided to potty pad train her since she’s a small breed, we don’t have a yard, and it’s too cold to be going outside constantly. When we’re at work she’s in a playpen attached to her crate so she has access to food (she’s free-fed because otherwise she gets sick between meals), water, and her potty pad. I also leave the radio on for her. She’s just over a year old now but cannot be trusted to have full access to the house when we’re not around, or even just the kitchen, because she still will occasionally chew on the furniture. I have noticed that despite her access, she really doesn’t eat, drink, or use the bathroom until we get home. We have a camera on her and whenever I check on her she’s sleeping. Since I work close by I do come home on lunch just to let her out to stretch her legs since she’s still young and likes to play a lot.

      I guess this is just my way of saying what to do with them when you’re not home depends on their size, age, and temperament. If they are very high energy then hiring a dog-walker might be a necessity and you’ll want to factor that into your budget.

      1. Hoping for a Doggyfriend*

        Thanks! That all makes sense. It’s really helpful to hear multiple ways of handling the situation.

    3. LCL*

      House with a dog door into a small yard, not accessible from the street. Walk in the morning and in the evening, it stimulates their minds. My dog is elderly now and it’s just within the last few months we have sometimes skipped a walk when it was cold and rainy and he was Ok with that.

    4. Em*

      We’ve adopted 2 dogs at different times, both older (6yrs, 8yrs). I let them out at 7am and they’re inside until 6:15 when I get home. We’ve been mostly fine on accidents, with the exception of our second dog, who came to us semi potty trained, but after having her for about 10 months, she rarely has accidents, unless there are complications (like letting them out late or something).

      We do a final letout before bed at about 10pm. I love my doggie buddies!

        1. Em*

          Ha! I keep thinking of things. It was also good getting 2 dogs. We had 1 for a few years & added the second. I was so worried about them getting along- it took a few days for them to figure things out, but our original dog seems happier about having company, less crazy to see us when we come home. It’s definitely more expensive (food, vet bills, heartworm meds), but it’s been a great thing for us & them.

    5. JKP*

      My dog is fine in the crate while I’m at work. When I’m home during the day, she just lays around the house, so I don’t think she’s missing much while I’m at work.

      Make sure you do some research on what breeds are better for apartment living and fit your lifestyle. I looked for breeds that didn’t bark much, and that didn’t have high energy levels, so they would be satisfied with a burst of activity in the evening but would be mostly happy lying around my small apartment with me.

      Also, I looked for fenced off leash dog parks to take her to on my days off, so she could run around a bit more.

    6. AAM fan*

      I’ve had highly varied experiences with dogs in terms of being home alone, house-training and so on – so it’s really difficult to predict. (I currently have three and have lived with seven different dogs in the last ten years). With older dogs, they are more likely to be house trained, but some smaller breeds tend to be tough to fully house train (like Chihuahuas – I have two of them). And I hear puppies are hard, but I’ve always adopted older rescues and they often have issues like separation anxiety which can be noisy for neighbors. Plus some dogs do better living with other animals, and for some it’s a disaster (my sister ended up with one of my dogs for that reason. He was a fantastic only dog, but a major problem living with other dogs. Like stitches needed for the other dogs kind of problem. And he came from a previous family with other dogs who said he had no problems at all. Hmmm).
      So if/when you get a dog, it’s a great idea to have flexibility if at all possible, in terms of your working hours, money for a dog walker/doggy daycare, friends/family who can help. Plus budget for a trainer and extra vet bills for the first year or so, especially with an older rescue. Good luck! I love my doggies but they are not cheap or easy, that’s for sure! Oh – and rescues and fosters tend to tell you the best version of your prospective dog rather than all the challenges. Understandable, but just expect more problems than they tell you!

      1. Nines*

        My chihuahua is house trained! And can manage for hours on end without being let out. He’s a perfect apartment dog. Though we did get him at a year or two old, so had a lot of time to train him and whatnot.

    7. paul*

      how big’s the apartment?

      A lot of it comes down to getting dogs that match your life style. We both work and left our doggies inside all day, but they were lazy bones and it worked OK. We did have some accidents during their last year of life.

      Worth noting; we adopted adult dogs to make this easier; I don’t think it’d work with puppies.

    8. Phillipa*

      I’m also a grad student and newish adult person, and I adopted an adult dog (my first pet EVER) a few months ago. His previous owners potty-trained him, and other than a few accidents when he started adjusting to my apartment, he’s been fine holding it all day so long as I can take him out first thing in the morning and then when I get back home. Having a partner helps so much; even if we’re both busy during the day and can’t make it home, we can trade off doing the work in the mornings and evenings. It also helps that our dog has a super chill disposition and is not very vocal, so he fits in well with our hectic lives and small apartment.

    9. LadyKelvin*

      I’m going to mostly repeat what everyone else has said: but the key to having a dog when you work full time is to have an adult dog and be willing to put in the time to walk it. We actually got ours when she was 10 weeks old, a rescue who was born in the shelter. For reference: she’s 60lb border collie/boxer mix, so she needs a lot of walking and playing time. At the time I was working full time from home as a grad student, so it was easy to housebreak her, give her lots of attention, etc. However, we also got into the habit of 2 long walks every day. 20-30 minutes in the morning and 45-1 hr in the afternoon (When I was home full time I did afternoon and my husband did mornings, now that I go to work later than him I do mornings and he does afternoon).

      Our dog is 2.5 now and has no problem going 10 hours alone and probably could manage up to 12, but we try not to let that happen. We also no longer crate her when we leave which allows her to pick where she spends the day sleeping, and we have lots of toys for her to play with while we are gone. We also give her a frozen peanut butter kong before we leave for work. She did/does have some separation anxiety, so those have all been things that we’ve done to help her adjust to us being gone. Now its almost no problem. We take her to the beach/dog park a couple of times a week, usually on the weekends but sometimes also in the afternoon after work to really tire her out. She is generally exhausted for the next 36-48 hours after fun at the beach. Also: we’ve always lived in apartments, so she’s actually never had a yard to play in. We committed to walks when we got her and 2 years later we’re still walking her, although she’s gotten a lot lazier and sometimes we have to force her to go for a walk, lol.

      So to sum up, having a dog when you work full time you should:
      Get an adult dog
      Commit to multiple walks per day
      Pay attention to what kind of dog you get, some need more play time than others
      If you dog has separation anxiety, you might need to have some more complicated leaving rituals
      If all else fails, look into sporadic day care, going once a week would be less expensive than every day, but you dog will benefit from all the stimulation.

    10. Natalie*

      Everyone I know with a dog and a job just leaves them home all day. One friend of mine takes her dog to day care midweek, usually Wednesday or Thursday. Dogs sleep 14 hours a day, and my dog (to use one example) gets at least 4-6 of those hours during the day.

      Definitely get an adult dog as suggested – they can hold their bladder for 8 hours at least. For our dog, some play + outside time three times a day does him just fine. He’s actually not a big walker and prefers to run as fast as possible so we chase him around our yard a lot. We also have a lot of bird feeders so both he and the cat have something to look at. On weekends we take smell walks (that’s what he likes to do on a walk) and go to the dog park for extra stimulation.

    11. Athena*

      When I got my insanely energetic puppy, I naively thought she’d be fine to chill on her own. How wrong I was. Definitely go for an adult dog. Mine (now grown up) stays outside during the day with toys and a cosy bed, then will smooch all night because she’s missed me. One of her toys gives her heaps of exercise as she has to chase it, and she’ll spend hours doing that even when I’m working from home.
      However, puppies need a LOT of work. My circumstances were such that I ended up being at home 99% of the time while little one was a pup, and she had another older dog to entertain her… and she was still a bundle of energy. I took her for a 10km run once. She napped for half an hour when we got back then immediately got up and chased everything again. Meanwhile, I was still trying not to cough up a lung from the exercise.

      When we were kids and had puppies, my parents got two at once so they could have a playmate. They were fairly sedate dogs, but we also had a massive yard and owned the house. It wasn’t feasible for me with my current dog, and wouldn’t be feasible for apartments or renting. Besides, your get home and they’d look at you, bleary eyed, clearly just having woken up, like “oh. It’s 3pm, you’re home from school already? Wow. Time flies. Just… five more minutes of nap and I’ll love you.”

    12. Chaordic One*

      I thought everything was fine with my dog, but when my brother came to stay with me for a while, he said that as soon as I’d leave for work the dog would start barking and howling and even rattling his crate. Sometime my brother just let him bark, but sometimes he’d get up and let the dog out of his crate and when he did the dog wanted to go outside and run around for a bit (anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes or so) in my fenced yard. Then he’d want back inside and he’d go lie down in his crate and be fine until I got home from work.

  31. Mimmy*

    Anyone here with sensory processing issues?

    In addition to my slight vision and hearing loss (both congenital), I’ve always had issues with certain sensory stimuli. We’ve talked on AAM many times about sound sensitivities (misophonia?), which I most definitely have but never formally diagnosed.

    So this past Wednesday, I had my monthly session with my counselor, and she gave me a thing about Sensory Processing Disorder. I think she gave it to me because she thought I’d find it interesting, but after a rough week at the place we don’t mention on weekends, I’m beginning to think I should seek formal testing. I think I’ve had this my entire life but have never had a proper evaluation for it.

    I think my main issue is that I can easily get overstimulated (too much moving around, too many people talking at once, people coming and going during a meeting), my nervous system gets frazzled and, in some cases, I snap and lose my temper. I know all of the advice about “take a breath” “count to 10” “figure out your triggers”…yet, I don’t always know that I’m going to snap until it happens, which then leads to embarrassing situations.

    I think that’s why I’ve struggled personally and professionally. I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks – I may ask him about it.

    1. Nicole*

      I had to look up sensory processing issues since I wasn’t sure what it was, and I don’t think I have that (and from your description I’m not quite sure you do either), but I do think I have misophonia and I can relate to losing my temper when too much is going on around me. Perhaps you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP)? I find I can’t focus in busy/loud environments and I get cranky.

      Do you have ringing in your ears from the hearing loss? I ask because in August I developed ringing in my right ear and they found slight hearing loss in it in the high frequencies. Apparently this will never go away which is quite annoying, particularly when I try to lay on my right side. Interestingly enough, about four years ago I suddenly had balance issues, like I was going to fall to my right, and after testing it was determined that the balance system in that ear was damaged, possibly by a virus although no one knows for sure. My left ear eventually compensated for it, but over the summer the balance stuff returned with a vengeance and that’s when the ringing began. My right ear has all sorts of issues it seems.

      1. A Nonny Mouse*

        Have you been tested for Menieres? That cluster of symptoms matches well. Mine worsened this year, but I have been able to to control the balance/vertigo through diet (no caffeine and low sodium).

        1. Nicole*

          I have not been tested for that but it sounds like a possibility, although the sense of fullness in my ears would come and go with both ears. This was over the summer when I was also having a stiff neck and pain in my sinuses. I had allergy testing and it’s suspected they are the cause of most of my issues, although the off-balance thing was something entirely different which occurred years ago. I haven’t had vertigo, though, thank goodness. It sounds very unpleasant!

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        That sounds like what I had, and I do have some hearing loss (especially in my right ear), but nobody ever made the connection. For about six months, I was very off-kilter in terms of balance and having a good sense of my body’s position. If I rolled over in bed, it felt as if I was about to roll to the floor. I’d be sitting at my desk and all of a sudden have to grab on to the desk because I felt like I was free falling. Thank goodness it went away, but I’d love to know why it happened in the first place.

    2. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I probably have it and my teen received sensory integration related OT and PT as a preschooler. One OT said it was at a diagnosable level, another said it wasn’t. I figure we ride that middle ground that gets kindly labeled as “quirky.”

      Our OT used to say it was all about the mouth…for all of us, neurotypical and otherwise. Google “sensory diet” and look at some of the options. Some examples are: carrot sticks, pretzel sticks, and drinking thick things like smoothies or applesauce through a straw. If you find out that crunchy foods have an effect on you, you can choose your lunch or snack accordingly. I find mushy foods comforting and hate finding crunch in unexpected places and I can use that to help regulate my responses to my surroundings. Also think about chewing gum, fidget spinners, fidget blocks, etc. I sew, so my favorite fidget aid is a rolled-up tape measure. I also find a lot of comfort in hot cocoa and a big piece of it is holding a warm mug.

      Also google Heavy Work. It’s a special class of activity that can help regulate your mood and energy. Maybe you need to take a brisk “fresh air” break before intense meetings. A lot of this stuff is geared for kids. Sensory processing is still new and still mostly directed at kids. We haven’t officially recognized that sensory kids grow up into sensory adults. And of course, some don’t, and sensory seeking kids could turn into sensory avoidant adults.

      One of the primary books for Sensory Integration is “How Does Your Engine Run?” The premise is that there are appropriate speeds for various activities. You want to have a slow engine for meetings and a fast engine for crunch days and having the opposite just causes problems. This book helps you recognize your engine speed and gives you techniques for resolving any mismatches.

      Also think about transitions. They can be tough for people with processing difficulties. Florescent lights can be a problem for some. That’s tough to control in an office environment, but you never know, and at the least you could give yourself some task lighting in your area to provide some relief during other times.

      I also remember there was some cool music therapy my child had that involved banging a drum-like thing to music. Seems like not much, but the beat was regular and a specific speed and it really made a difference. I can’t look up the details now, but I’ll try and add a comment later this weekend.

      Oh, there are these inflatable chair cushins made out of the same stuff as yoga balls: one side is bumpy and the other is smooth. That would be a great thing for at your desk. I’ll check my amazon history for a link later. Less rolly than a yoga ball but the same purpose. They also make little spikey or bumpy balls for kids. If your work environment is playful, you could have a ball like that for tossing and no one needs to know that the spikes are like therapy for you.

    3. Sylvan*

      I don’t have any advice, but I’ll be watching the thread. I might be in the same situation. My therapist thinks I have sensory processing disorder. For me, I think the sensory issues could be one of those weird things that happens in the overlapping part of the clinical anxiety and ADHD Venn diagram.

      When someone is both hypervigilant and not great at filtering sensory input, they can end up unconsciously trying to pay attention to everything at once, resulting in: Why are so many people talking and why are so many lights on?

    4. J.B.*

      My kid has sensory processing issues secondary to anxiety. I have touches although not clinical. The good thing about being an adult is that if you think you can probably identify areas of concern for you. Do you need more touch or less touch? (for myself I hate hate hate light tickly touches but feel better with deep pressure sometimes). Physical activity is huge, so identifying and doing something every day – lunchtime is a great option.

      If you want to get more input, an occupational therapist would be the one to diagnose. It’s kind of uncertain as a syndrome – AAP only recognizes it as secondary to mental health diagnoses, and anecdotally I agree with that. Given what you’ve described you might want to look into cognitive behavioral therapy and specifically ask about interoceptive exposure.

      Good luck, it’s tough. Management strategies (including medication if needed) really make a difference though.

    6. I heart Paul Buchman*

      My son has a formal ASD diagnosis but sensory processing issues are a big part of his day to day so I have some secondary experience in this area. For him his tolerance seems to be about thresholds. He has multiple things that can trigger him (from all of his senses) – socks not on correctly, brushed his teeth with minty toothpaste, smell of someone’s perfume, an annoying noise in the background such as an airconditioner, etc, etc, etc. He may be able to cope with any one of these things just fine, maybe even two but if you hit him with a few of them at once then he will meltdown. Or maybe, one at a time but in quick succession and then something tips him over the edge like someone ruffles his hair or a dog barks nearby. The overlap period seems to last for a couple of days so if yesterday we went to a parade and it was all way too much today the air conditioner will be unbearable. Contributing factor is that if he is overloaded neurologically then he doesn’t sleep/eat/toilet well (he has digestive issues) which also reduce his tolerance and make it harder to cope. This can spiral quickly.
      In terms of a fix… I think this is a condition that for him he needs to manage not cure. The biggest part of management is recognising when things are starting to spiral and then pulling them up. If is getting overloaded I reduce all stimulating inputs as soon as I can (maybe a warm bath/shower, put on comfortable clothing and sit in a quiet enclosed space and do a quiet fine motor activity that calms the mind) sometimes twenty minutes of this is enough and he can resume normal activity. After the calming period some of the heavy work/sensory diet stuff that is mentioned above becomes helpful. My son finds light weights and stretching very helpful to give input to the joints. Self massage of the limbs with a body brush is also calming to the nervous system. Weighted products such as blankets are amazing or wrapping yourself tightly in a sheet/sleeping bag burrito style. Basically anything that made you feel safe and cocooned as a child could be helpful now :) I don’t suggest you do these things in the office but 10 minutes morning and evening could be calming enough to make a big difference.
      Oh and one other thing – have you looked into dietary causes of sudden sensitivity (if it is sudden)? My son is horribly affected by some food preservatives and MSG and I understand this as I get migraines from a high Amine load. We did the RPAH elimination diet with my son and it made a big difference to understanding his thresholds (we did this through our local hospital dietician but I am not in the US). Good luck, SPD is difficult but management can make a huge difference.

      1. SIDAdult*

        I was diagnosed with SID as a child, and went to occupational therapy for it, but I didn’t know about this until I was an adult. A friend’s daughter was diagnosed, and she was mentioning the things she struggled with, and it clicked in my head. I mentioned it to my mom, and she told me about my diagnosis.

        For me, it was a lot of the same things as your son – the sound of toothbrushing makes me gag, most toothpastes make me gag, other people brushing their teeth, if I can hear of smell it – three rooms off…chewing gum, textures of clothing, having seams in the wrong places, not having pressure somewhere I need it…

        But I didn’t know any of this as a kid, and no one told me it was abnormal. Mind you, I knew I was different, because I was in therapy and had to do weird things, but my best friend was in therapy with me for ADHD and some learning disability, and our sessions overlapped. That probably helped a lot. Now, I just have to know what will be an issue and what won’t be, and when I can deal with something and when I can’t. If I’m going to be in a large, loud crowd, I can’t wear uncomfortable clothing, if I’m flying I pick my seats, and find a reason to not dread the flight. It probably helped a lot that my routines and habits got worked in when I was a small child not young enough to know what I was avoiding, and have had wonderful friends who do things like get rid of their gum when I tell them it is making me sick.

    7. HannahS*

      No, but I have sensory issues related to fibromyalgia. One thing I’ve found extremely helpful are noise-canceling headphones (I basically come on this thread and recommend them to people each week lol) which I use in pretty much any situation where I feel overstimulated and there’s no need for me to look super professional. I have a Taotronics pair and I love them. Sunglasses, sometimes. Finding ways to build a wardrobe that’s as comfy (i.e. soft, stretchy clothes) as possible, while looking as put together as I need to be.

  32. Nicole*

    Right now I wish I lived in a warmer state like Arizona. There are outdoor events I’d like to attend such as zoo lights, or Illumination at Morton Arboretum, but I know I’d be miserable in the cold. I get uncomfortable when it’s under 65 degrees so clearly Illinois is the wrong state to be living in, at least in the winter!

    For those of you who can attend outdoor holiday events without freezing to death, is it as wonderful as I envision? I want to live vicariously through you.

    1. KR*

      It’s definitely nice but I find myself missing the cold and the variation in the seasons. Another thing is in the summer it’s super hot out every day in the desert (I’m in the Mojave desert in CA) so during the summer you can’t do as much until it’s dark out because the pavement is too hot for dogs and everything is just so hot to the touch. Your shoes might melt on the pavement. So there are plus’s and minus’s.

      1. Nicole*

        That’s a good point. We visited my husband’s family in Arizona this past August and it was over 100 degrees every day! We brought our dog and had to walk her before 7 am and after dark because the asphalt would literally bubble up. Ideally I’d like to have a home in the west I could live in from November through March and then come back to Illinois. I like the green here but hate the cold.

        1. blackcat*

          I once attended a conference in late July or early August in Phoenix.

          It was over 110 every day. There was a severe dust storm.

          It was actually hell, at least how I picture hell. My eyes and lungs burned. A cup of water could evaporate in minutes.

          There are plenty of warm places that aren’t as hellish as the desert.

    2. CAA*

      We went to our town’s Christmas Parade and tree lighting last night, and yes, it was lots of fun. The parade is sponsored by the Chamber of Commerce, so it’s basically a few local stores driving their vehicles, the high school band, church groups, Girl Scouts, etc. It’s just a fun time to hang out on the sidewalk with friends and wave and call out to the people you know who are in the parade. Then we walked up and down the street sampling the cookies and hot cider that the different stores were handing out.

    3. JD*

      But AZ is SOOO hot! I HATE heat. Trade you places! It has been so hot the past two years in CA. We had an all time record high on Thanksgiving which just ruins the feeling of holidays for me. I swear I am packing my bags on the 26th if we have another 90 degree xmas. I just cannot flipping handle it anymore. How you don’t like it under 65, I despise anything over 70. The plan is to move to the Pacific Northwest. I’d prefer Seattle although SO is open to Portland….although now he just got a new job and wants to stay here longer. I really cannot take another summer in the heat/hell hole. I am so dang burned out on CA. I am over the people, the weather, the COL.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I’d…….be okay with that. I’m sick unto death of freezing and the damn pile of clothes I have to wear to go outside and ice. I can’t stand ice or the thought of it after the 2007 multi-state ice storm. That soured me on winter forever. Now I dread it, because you never know if it will happen again.

    4. Tris Prior*

      I am cold all the time (I feel you re this not being the state for me!), but for Christmas events like Zoo Lights, I don’t mind it so much; I just dress really, really warm and drink a hot beverage. The cold (and snow, if we have it) feels right for the season. After Christmas, forget it; I am indoors until spring except when necessary.

      That being said, we specifically did our annual Christkindlmarket visit this past week because it was in the 40s and not the 20s and who knows how long that’s going to last. (Not long, going by my weather app.) So I hear that.

      1. Nicole*

        I’ve been wanting to check out the Christkindlmarket but am not a fan of going downtown. Now I read there’s one out in the suburbs so I might check it out this year!

    5. Sylvan*

      It is wonderful! I wear a T-shirt, jeans, and a jacket for most of the winter.

      It feels strange to have “winter” in sunny, almost-warm weather, though. Some of my neighbors hang lights that look like icicles from their roofs and porches. Some stores try to sell sleds and snow shovels. It’s not going to happen, folks!

    6. Saguaro*

      I live in AZ and absolutely love it! This time of the year, until about February or March, we get much cooler temps at night and in the morning. It can be in the low 30’s in the mornings, which is perfect sweater and boots weather, and the days are usually in the 60’s or low 70’s. So we do have to wear a coat or sweater to the night time holiday events, which I love because it feels more holiday-like. And we go just an hour and a half up north to the mountains to experience the 4 seasons, including a lot of snow.

      Yes the summers are hot, but that’s really only July to mid-October. I always tell people that by Halloween night at the latest, you will have to wear a sweatshirt at night.

    7. Jillociraptor*

      I live in the Bay Area and I feel like we get the best of both worlds: it’s nice most of the year, and basically “fall weather” (high 60s, but still sunny and nice with the occasional rain) during the winter. I don’t really do outdoor holiday events, but it is nice to be able to go to the farmer’s market in December! I will say, though, that since moving out here, my tolerance for cold has gone way down. I used to chuckle at the folks in their parkas on the rare occasions when it dropped below 60, but joke’s on me because that’s my life now!

      1. blackcat*

        I’m a bay area native turned new england resident.

        My mom constantly frets about me going outside without a coat/jacket when I visit in winter. She does not understand that 30s-40s is jacket weather to me, and I’m generally fine in just a sweater if it’s 45-55.

        That said, it does freeze a few times a year where my parents live in the inland bay area. It used to get colder than it does now, and it does get pretty hot in the summer sometimes. But if you aim for coastal areas without “hills” (small mountains by east coast standards) between you and the ocean, basically the entire California coast is neither too hot or too cold.

        1. paul*

          When we were in high school (I think I was 15 or 16) we took a family trip to Disney over Thanksgiving.

          We lived at 8,500′ elevation, give or take, and had snow on the ground for the season by then.

          Hearing the Florida news talk about a “cold front” with lows in the high 40s and advising everyone to bundle up sent my parents into a gale of laughter like I’d never seen.

          1. Totally Minnie*

            The flip side is true as well. I’ve lived in the Southwest all my life, and when people from other states say “It’s 89 degrees out, it’s so hot!” I always want to respond with, “Oh, honey, do you know how many 118 degree days I’ve lived?”

            1. paul*

              Yep!

              These days I’m on the high plains. We hit 100+ every summer, and we hit low single digit lows every winter. I’m kinda over it TBH. Couple it with the fact I’m allergic to the local grasses and cacti…I want to move back to the mountains or down to a swamp somewhere.

              1. nonegiven*

                My friend called her sister and said she had complained that it had gotten up to 85F. I said did you tell her that our overnight low was 87F, we’ve had 10 days in a row of 110F+, and nearly 2 months of 100F+?

  33. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

    How do you “reset” your views of a place when you’re miserable? I hate it here. Even though I’m already down to less than a year before I leave, I just desperately want to leave now.

    Getting my visa to come here was the worst and most stressful thing I’ve ever had to do. I won’t go into the whole story, but I was basically constantly being told different things and wound up wasting a lot of money and time instead of getting to enjoy the fact that I got in and was going to grad school, so I was in a pretty crappy mood when I got here.

    I’ve also had problems finding housing (resolved, but more through luck that a bad choice turned out reasonably well) and getting utilities set up (including Internet, which I finally gave up on–I’m just gonna be a grad student with no Internet and therefore very limited access to certain research materials I need) and getting pretty much every other thing set up that I’ve needed to. I’m so exhausted and miserable that I never want to go sightseeing or try to date when I have a free day, and I’m dropping a free and non-credit class (which is the only thing I’ve actually enjoyed here) to focus on my degree courses because I came here to get that freaking piece of paper and I don’t want all my misery to be for nothing.

    I’ve planned a long (too long, tbh, but I can’t bear the thought of shortening it and being here any longer than I have to for school) vacation for after the semester ends because I just need to Not Be Here. I’m hoping this will help me feel better when I get back, but I’m looking for suggestions of things to try when I get back (no time/energy to do much before the semester ends at this point).

    1. Marillenbaum*

      I’m sorry. That sounds really stressful and exhausting–no wonder you’ve been having a hard time enjoying yourself! My suggestion is to start with making sure you have your big physical needs met: is your bed comfortable? Are you eating regular, healthy meals? Moving in a way that feels good? From there, it can be easier to branch out into low-effort things that feel fun. It might be going for a walk around your neighborhood, or rereading your favorite books for fun. Good luck with your degree!

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Good points. I struggle with a lot of basic self-care stuff at the best of times, and this is…definitely not the best of times, lol. I’m going to look into getting meals delivered (like Blue Apron, although they don’t seem to be here so I’ll have to research which companies are best) because I have issues carrying heavy loads so my grocery shops have tended to focus on things that don’t weigh much rather than on things that are healthy.

        1. Cristina in England*

          One thing that UK shops do really well is prepared food. You can get pre-made sandwiches, mashed potatoes, veggies, main courses in every single major supermarket (Tesco, Morrisons, Sainsbury’s, ASDA, heck you can even get fresh sandwiches in Boots!) and generally the meals and sandwiches are really good. Obviously it costs more than cooking it yourself but if you can give yourself a break every weekend or so, it might make things easier and might be a good alternative to the higher cost of eating out and the higher hassle of a UK Blue Apron (there is one I just can’t think of the name right now… I think it has the word fresh in the name).

          2. Annie Mouse*

            Hello Fresh, it’s fab. Not cheap but I get it as a treat occasionally and I can get a minimum of 5 meals (I can’t cook risotto apparently!) and usually 7-9 from a 3 meal for 2 person box.

            Sorry you’re struggling over here, hopefully things will look a little more positive after your break.

        2. Incantanto*

          Most UK supermarkets do home delivery. good for planning and you can select a time slot thats quite narrow. And they carry it to where you are from the car.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Maybe. I’ll see what my school has available. (The NHS has been another sort of stress and I’d rather avoid them if I can, plus I’m not sure what I’d be entitled to there and can’t look it up right now because my Internet is limited.)

        1. Ramona Flowers*

          Some contacts for you.

          Samaritans: 116123 – free from any phone. People think they are only a crisis line but they are for anyone who needs emotional support.

          Mind Infoline – open Mon-Fri 9-6 and can suggest local services
          0300 123 3393
          info@mind.org.uk
          Text: 86463

          Sorry you’ve had problems with the NHS. They are also not my favourite people this week.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Is there an ex-pat group or similar where you are? I wasn’t that happy with the UK when I first moved here but in part some of that was not knowing anyone and not having any connection to the way things are done back home. I met some other Americans through a forum and made some friends who were going through similar experiences and that was helpful.

      I haven’t kept track of your whole experience but I find it odd that you can’t get internet working! Maybe someone here can give you some suggestions?

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        There are several other Americans in my grad cohort, and we’ve bonded over this sort of thing–I’ve had way more problems than they had, but I’m the only one who’s avoided having major problems with banking, so lucky me there, lol.

        They did some renovations in my apartment before I moved in, and I think they must have cut a wire or something because I’ve tried two separate companies for the Internet and both have had horrible problems trying to get it working. I’d rather just give up and use my phone for the Internet (plus school, Starbucks, library, etc.) because the uncertainty was making things so much worse. I’m very angry about it still, but giving up on the idea of ever having wifi here has actually helped a little bit.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Hmm, I’d think your landlord would want to fix it but I understand that they are not always concerned about this sort of thing!

          I will also say that it can be helpful to meet other ex-pats who are in different situations and have gone a bit native as well. When I first got here most of the other Americans I knew were also students and all they did was complain about everything. After I met some people who had moved here for other reasons and had been here longer I managed to get a much less negative perspective on things, as well as learning useful tips!

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            I haven’t told the property manager yet because I’m too busy trying to convince them that something they claim is in a certain place is actually not there, lol. I’ll definitely tell them before I move out (preferably long before then, actually) for the good of the next tenant, but I really want to get this other thing sorted out because now it’s too late for me to get Internet anyway (since all the ones I’ve seen are 12-month contracts and I’m planning on being here for less than 12 more months).

            That’s a good point about trying to meet other expats in different stages/life stages, though.

            1. Jen Erik*

              My mum is with zen, and I think that’s on a monthly basis (although she’s been with them for years, and their deals may have changed.)
              Also maybe look at Virgin Media – my daughter definitely had a shorter contract when she was working in the south of England last year: I’ll try and check if that is who she was with.

              1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

                Virgin was the first company I’d tried, and they quoted me an unforgivably long amount of time to try to fix their lines, so I gave up on them. I’m not familiar with Zen, though–I’ll check them out and see what they have to offer and if they have anything shorter than 12 months (probably starting in January or February since I’m leaving soon and don’t want to pay for Internet I can’t use). Ty.

                1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                  You might also check out Three mobile. They have pretty good 4G and at least some plans include tethering so you can use it with your computer.

            2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

              If you are in a multi-unit newer building in London then Hyperoptic may offer service. If not, then try Relish?

              However, if there was any other provider other than Virgin that couldn’t get your internet running then you may be SOL because everything runs off BT infrastructure. It could also very well be a problem in the flat (and yes, having seen some of the illegal/inept wiring and plumbing in our last flat, I would believe someone cut a wire) at which point it doesn’t matter which provider it is either. Walking away to save your sanity in some instances is the way to go.

              And yeah, NHS – whole other can of worms. Great if you have an emergency, not great if you have ongoing care needs. You also may want to find an independent psychologist/psychiatrist who specializes in expat and/or trained in US-style treatment. They are about 20 years behind the times in even accepting issues of mental health, much less know what to do properly.

              1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

                Yep, tried Sky and they’ve had problems too.

                I did not realize that about the UK (or just the NHS rather than the whole UK?). Kind of assumed they’d be ahead of us in that respect. Guess it’s good to reset my expectations now?

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Also, where are you? I’ve started another thread on attempting to get a meetup going if you are anywhere near London or Newcastle.

    4. fposte*

      Oh, sorry; I know that was a lot of work, and that’s a really stressful feeling. I’m with Caledonia on counseling–does your uni offer any kind of services?

      The thing about grad school for a lot of us is that it’s an experiential setback after we’ve enjoyed the agency and standards of working adulthood. Stuff that you put up with when you’re nineteen can feel ridiculous once you’ve graduated and lived differently. I thought of that when you were preparing to leave –it sounded like the transition to student-slumming-it was already proving rather challenging, and it’s especially ironic when it takes so much work to transition to a life with less.

      Aside from counseling, a few thoughts: first, what if you bailed? When could you do it, and what would you do instead? It wouldn’t hurt to go down that road and see if it’s reasonably doable–it’s unlikely that this is such a miraculously door-opening piece of paper that it’s worth Dantean suffering to get. Second: what if you shrugged and accepted the suck rather than raging at it? It’s a year-long dentist appointment: unpleasant, but a thing you’re committed to for long-term good, and it won’t last forever. The disappointment in what was supposed to be a cool adventure won’t go away so easily, but maybe it’ll be less emotionally exhausting to just slash those expectations like they’re on sale for Black Friday.

      I hope you find some peace whatever you choose.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I found grad school in the UK to be very different and isolating from what it was in the US, too, so it really made things very difficult for me. If I hadn’t met my husband I probably would have left after the first year myself.

        I did my MA in the US and it was not that different from my undergraduate experience. We had regular classes, people hung out socially, we studied together, etc. Part of my problem in the UK was that I didn’t have to take courses but just jumped right into independent research with very little overarching structure or interactions with other postgrad students. I did everything alone and didn’t have anyone to bounce ideas off of except my supervisors, and I didn’t get along with them very well. I really had no idea how different the British system was until I got here and there was no orientation or anything for international students. My complaints eventually led to a new session being introduced in the grad student training program but it took a while!

      2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        I mean, if I were committed to leaving I’d leave in January (because I’ve already paid for the vacation, otherwise I’d just get on a plane next week or something after packing my stuff). I have many personality flaws, but a general unwillingness to leave when I’m unhappy is not one of them (actually, I tend to be TOO willing to leave, which is one reason why I’m trying to stick it out). I’d go back to freelancing and just travel around Asia for awhile (all I need to freelance is a computer and stable Internet, which is easy to come by). (In other words, it is extremely doable, and I have thought about it probably a bit too much.)

        The thing is, I feel like I shouldn’t be so miserable now. The visa crisis was resolved, and I know that because I’m here. I have an apartment I like okay (other than the possibly-cut Internet wires) with rent that is within my budget and a commute that I can live with. I have a bank account. I finally got my ish together enough last week to buy pots and pans so I could cook properly instead of the weird jury-rigged cooking I’ve been doing. My classes next semester look like they’re going to be a lot more interesting and applicable to my specific career goals than the ones I took this semester. These are all improvements. I’m not where I’d like to be, no, but I don’t think I ever really recovered from the frustration and burnout from the visa problems, and I think I’m taking it out on the area and making things worse for myself than they need to be.

        1. fposte*

          Okay, that all sounds very considered and reasonable.

          It also doesn’t strike me as unreasonable to take a while to bounce back from exhaustion and frustration, and that things are starting to look up somewhat. So maybe you just do some deep breathing, forgive yourself for needing a recovery period, and look forward to the gradual return of interest in things.

          1. Reba*

            My old therapist told me that the physiological responses to stress (cortisol the “stress hormone” and other things) can linger in the body for a long time after the external sources of stress are removed. So just because the stressful stuff is “over” doesn’t mean that you immediately swing back to normal.

            It’s so great that you have other people in similar boats to commiserate with. I also agree with others about therapy or a hotline–it might also be beneficial to talk about this stuff with someone who is totally outside it and neutral on grad school issues.

            Best of luck to you, katamia!

        2. caledonia*

          The mind doesn’t always work like that though, so although your visa issues were solved there was a lot going on before, during and after this event. I would try some of the places ramona flowers recommended or mindfullness.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          I think I am picking up on exhaustion here. Exhaustion will make a person feel like they have nothing left to give the situation that is draining them dry. Is it possible to increase your rest periods by even a little bit?

          1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

            There’s definitely a lot of exhaustion, although I’m not really sleep deprived. Getting up for class is rough (night owl + having to be up before 9 = no fun), but I’m probably getting 9-10 hours of sleep on days when I don’t have class, so it’s not sleep.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              The next layer is what are you eating? Junk food can negate 9 hours of sleep, no prob.. Chicken is a really good energy booster, salmon is also good. Maybe a protein drink would fit into your day better, though. Junk foods might also pull down your thinking, if you have depression junk could add to it.

              How’s your water intake doing? Are you hands and lips dry? It might be time to start pumping water. When I am busy, I will measure out a pitcher of water in the morning and make sure it is empty by bed time. That is the only way I can keep track of how much water I have gotten into me.

              This last one is really tough. A person who feels like they have no meaningful goals or feels adrift at sea can have a really tough fight to get through their day. What do you want your life to look like and what are you willing to do to get to that point?

              1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

                Food is a struggle here because the general British diet is pretty much the opposite of my dietary needs, but I think trying something like Hello Fresh, where it seems like I’ll have an easier time finding things that fit my needs, will help. Just not gonna start something like that when I’m leaving for vacation so soon. :) I’m actually drinking a lot more water here than I have in other places, so I think I’m good in that respect.

                Re sleep, I think some of it is just not knowing what to do with myself–I’m used to being able to work as much/as little as I want from freelancing, which I can’t do here (and I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate not having things to do). While we’re supposed to be reading a lot, there are very few assignments for this program (and, look, I like reading, but I can’t read for 8-10 hours straight every day because reading doesn’t feel like I’m “doing something” and I need to feel like I’m busy).

                I’d probably sleep less (in a good way) if I had a part-time job or something, but it looks like that’s going to be very hard to come by (and take forever because I literally today just realized there’s another hoop I need to jump through before I can legally work here–yet another thing I was never given information about *sigh*), and transportation costs are much higher here than where I was before, so I’m hesitant to commit to volunteering when I don’t have any income (no place I’m interested in volunteering at within walking distance).

                So days when I don’t have class just really do feel like eternities–I try to be productive and sometimes I manage a load of laundry or something, but some of the sleeping is just me waking up, looking at the clock, and going, “Ugh, that’s too many hours to kill. I’m going back to sleep.”

                1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

                  So in conclusion I guess I’m both bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed and stressed out, lol.

    5. Colette*

      You’ve only been there a few months, if I remember correctly?

      Moving is hard, and adjusting to a new place is hard. There are a lot of hassles, and nothing is as easy as it should be.

      A couple of sessions with a counsellor might be a good idea as others have suggested, but also it’s a matter of hanging in there and finding a way to enjoy the place since you won’t be there forever.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Yeah, I haven’t been here that long. This isn’t the first time I’ve moved to a new country, but I had a lot more support from my job than I have this time around from my school. I don’t think I realized just how much support I got in that other country before I had to do it all on my own this time around.

        I definitely want to enjoy the rest of my time here, especially since I probably won’t be coming back anytime soon (not just because I’m not liking it so far but because my career goals are going to take me elsewhere and realistically it just probably won’t happen).

    6. Shakier Than I Should be*

      Earlier this month I found out that I won’t be getting a job in the UK. I was a finalist, and everyone thinks that when I say I’m not really that disappointed that I’m just putting on a brave face. It was very high-profile and it would have been a capstone to my career so I feel ridiculous telling them that even reading all the info on the visa process stressed me out and if I’d gotten the job, the next three months were going to be hell. I’m so sorry you’re going through what you’re going through, and it was worry about the kind of thing you’re experiencing that made me relieved that I didn’t get it. I also thought I was going to be offered way less that I’d need to make it work (you can’t eat prestige).
      You’re not over-reacting to an unbelievably stressful process. It also doesn’t help that you probably have some feeling that you’re not completely ‘safe’ in your new space. I’m probably projecting, but when EVERYTHING is so different, I’m constantly reminded that “this isn’t home” so I’ve always got a little bit more monitoring of the surroundings going on. Even behind closed doors, I’m more alert than I want to be at home.
      I hope you can come up with some little rituals or activities that are soothing, and that the time goes more swiftly than you think.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Thank you. I’m sorry you didn’t get that job, although I also feel the need to congratulate you on avoiding the visa process. :)

    7. SS Express*

      If you can spare $50, or probably even $20 if you go to Poundland, you could get a fancy candle and a couple of throw pillows and a really nice-smelling hand soap. I’ve been miserable a lot in the last few years for a variety of reasons, and taking a few small and relatively inexpensive steps to make my home a more pleasant place to be honestly made the second-biggest difference (after therapy, which is wayyyyy more expensive and nowhere near as fast).

  34. MCL*

    My spouse and I are thinking about buying a new home due to commute. We already own a small starter home that we’re about 20 years from paying off. We are in our mid-30s. The home values in this neighborhood have risen decently since I bought it in 2010, and we could sell it for a profit. Or we could hold onto it and rent it out. Anyone here have experience with that?

    Pros: Neighborhood rental rates seem such that we could charge enough rent to pay mortgage and home insurance, with a $50-100 “profit” (would be socked away for repairs), and we’d be diversifying our assets in retirement.

    Cons: we would probably have to contract out many things because we’re not super handy, also who knows what is happening with tax code right now.

    Should we hold onto it, or sell, take the money, and run? Thoughts appreciated!

    1. MCL*

      This is all assuming that the financial piece would work out (getting a new mortgage) which we’re investigating.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      In addition to the contracting out eating away at any profit, also consider that you could go months between renters, or have to evict someone for nonpayment. You’ll need to be able to absorb the full cost of both houses for at least six months to a year, or you could find yourself in a hole that might be difficult to dig out of.

      Not discouraging it, not at all, but just like you should try to have an emergency fund to pay for home repairs, you should have a much bigger one to also cover rent and repairs on the rental property.

      1. Em*

        Yes, this. If you’re planning to use a property management agency, that will have a cost too, but will help with renting it out, and will also avoid you having to answer tenant phone calls in the middle of the night/having to hound them if they’re not paying.

        If you don’t have a healthy cushion of savings for repairs & times to cover the mortgage & utilities when it’s not being rented I’d be nervous. $600-$1200 annual profit won’t last long if not, like if a fridge goes out or septic problem or whatever.

        My husband and I are in a similar situation with a similar plan & for us we want to make sure that if renters back out we’re not screwed.

        1. MCL*

          Yes, definitely. We’re going into this super cautiously, and we’re taking lots of time to make the decision.

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        I’m not bringing this up to discourage you, MCL, just to prepare you. Remember, if your mortgage payment is $1000 and $400 of that is principal, then even if you break even every month, you’re still actually making $400 in equity off of the rent. You’ll still need to be prepared to cover unexpected costs, but remember, when it’s rented you could still be making money even if none the rent actually winds up in your pocket.

        1. MCL*

          Thanks! Definitely appreciate the advice. This is a very new idea and we’re in information-gathering mode.

          1. nonegiven*

            Real estate taxes will likely go up. I know they are higher here for a rental property than the same property lived in by the owner.

    3. Limenotapple*

      I’m in this same situation. We decided to sell. Mostly because it’s an older house and there’s a bigger chance of needing *really* expensive maintenance down the road that will probably not be worth it (for us) in terms of profit.

    4. Someone else*

      Being a landlord is a lot of work. I can’t tell you which option will be right for you, but make sure you think long and hard about whether the effort of renting will be worth it for you, regardless of the financial side. It also depends a bit on expenses in your area, but for me the “profit” margin you cited for repairs wouldn’t be a comfortable buffer for me. If you could sell and make enough to make a substanial down payment on the new house in the newer area, I’d probably go with that because it’s a known quantity: the math works out not or it doesn’t. Renting existing house could change drastically, so while there may be higher upside (if you rent it easily for the amount you hope to, no major repairs, easy tenants who stick around, property values continue to rise) the rental route carries more risk.

    5. Pearly Girl*

      Sell it and use the money to lessen your new mortgage. The lower your mortgage, the sooner you can pay it off and have a mortgage-free retirement.

      I personally don’t think $50-100/mo. is enough of a benefit to keeping a home that you still have to maintain and pay for if you go without renters for any period of time. Plus, for me, it would feel more like an albatross than a asset.

    6. CAA*

      I just read an article by the National Assoc of Realtors yesterday where they estimated what the tax bill will do to house prices in each state. Obviously this is not an unbiased source, and I don’t agree with all their numbers, but I think they are likely correct that house prices will decline if the tax bill becomes law. I also think their reasoning is sound when they say that the negative effect will be felt in every state, and more strongly in places like GA and OH rather than CA and WA. They are basically agreeing with the economists who study this stuff and have been saying for years that the home mortgage deduction is inflating housing prices.

      If I were thinking of moving to a new house within about 50 miles of the current one, my goal would be to buy the new place after the market drops and wait to sell the old one until it recovers in a few years. Given that, I’d plan on renting out the old place. If there’s enough urgency to make the move now, I’d rent something to live in and get tenants into the old house and then start looking to buy in 6 months or so.

      If the tax bill doesn’t pass soon, then I think next year will be a very uncertain period and I’d wait until 2019.

      1. Meredith*

        Thanks for the recommendation to research what the housing market is doing now. We live in Madison, Wisconsin. I purchased my house in 2010 at 145K, and my realtor (who was giving me an estimate based on comparable sales in the neighborhood) thinks it would sell quickly at a 180-190K price point. Obviously, taxes and realtor fees will take a chunk of sale profits. I keep a close watch on home sales in my neighborhood, and I’m comfortable with her estimate. There are two well-rated public schools in the neighborhood and not a lot of rental stock, and I’m beginning to amass some numbers on what rental rates are like here. However, it will be interesting to see how home prices will be impacted over time – we are thinking of making a move in the next year or two, so we’re not in a rush. I think we’re going to see also what interest rates are going to be doing in the next few months, which may force us in one direction or another (or just force us to keep our low-interest mortgage for now and stay where we live now!).

        2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          We used to live in Madison and found it frustrating to find good rentals for more mature folks NOT in student areas but still close to downtown or west side. This was almost a decade ago now so maybe things have changed a bit, but I think we used Craigslist and in the end finally found something pretty decent that we stayed in for 3.5 years or so while Other Half finished school. But finding that place was luck really, 90% of postings seemed to be of the crappy apartment in a house that had been broken into 5 apartments (badly) on the near east side variety.

          So – if you have something you may rent for a few years depending on your strategy, maybe look into longer short-term rental groups like postdocs, mature students, or visiting researchers.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Unless I had a super good reason for keeping the house, I would ditch it rather than rent it out.

      Your profit margin on this endeavor is scary low in my opinion.

      I have seen enough landlord/tenant situations to know that unless you are working on the high end rentals, this is way more work than you can ever believe.

      It is not a easy income stream. There will be complications and sometimes the complications will have complications.

      Unless the house was of extreme sentimental value OR I needed to retain the property for a while until another specific and trusted person could take ownership then I would not do this.

    8. Landlocked Thalassophile*

      Look at the fine print on your mortgage. It may require your home to be owner-occupied, so retaining it as a rental might mean a refinance, as well. Waaaay back in the day I worked in mortgage loan servicing to pay my way through college, and we had someone who we figured out had taken out TEN mortgages and claimed all of them were owner occupied first homes. It was a mess but he had to refinance most of them.

    10. Epsilon Delta*

      Something else to look into: when you are applying for a mortgage on the new house, will the bank let you count the first house as rental income or will they consider it a debt? Our in-laws own a house and rent one out and were told that in order to count the second house as rental income they had to have rental income from it for 12 consecutive months. Otherwise it is considered a debt and it counts against your debt-to-income ratio. Might vary by bank, but something to ask about!

      1. MCL*

        Thanks! I was definitely wondering how that would work. We’re meeting with a credit union mortgage expert next week to discuss our options and will definitely ask.

  35. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    London and/or Newcastle folks: anyone want to meet up at some point soon?

    Mostly I’m in southeast London these days but I’m also up in the Newcastle area about once a month. I am one of those sad people who don’t have a lot of friends in real life so it would be nice to occasionally meet up with some friendly people in a pub somewhere.

    Some of the central-ish London pubs I know to be decent and relatively quiet are the Castle (near Farringdon), the Doric Arch or Euston Flyer (Euston), Chandos (near Trafalgar Square but busy if there’s a play on), Doggett’s or the Blackfriar (next to Blackfriars/Tate Modern), Scottish Stores (King’s Cross), the Dickens (St Katherine’s Wharf), the Merchant of Bishopsgate (Liverpool Street), the Draft House (Old Street), the George or St. Christopher (Borough High Street), or further afield if there are a lot of people in a particular area. Newcastle area ones include the Central and the Station (Gateshead), Tilley’s, the Town Wall, or the Forth (off Pink Lane); Newcastle Arms (Chinatown), Bacchus or Lady Grey (near the Theatre Royal), the Botanist (Monument, I’ve never actually been but it’s supposed to be good), Crown Posada (Quayside), Bodega (near the Tyne Theatre).

    Or, you know, there’s probably coffee shops in those cities, too. ;-) (Quilliam Brothers near Newcastle University, for instance, or various chain coffee places in London that are open late).

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          This December or next year? And we can totally do Newcastle (or perhaps even Edinburgh, it’s only about an hour and a half from Newcastle).

          1. caledonia*

            Next year, I’m moving this month otherwise I would actually be in London right now (I had a long weekend booked)

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      I work in London and would love you to keep me posted on this idea. Anywhere reasonably central is good for me, so long as it’s not too far from a tube station.

    4. Katie*

      I’m in (central) London, but those places (or pubs in general) are definitely not my scene.

      Good luck and hope you have fun if it goes ahead!

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        We could also do coffee or something if people are not pub goers. I love ale but I also like coffee. :-)

      2. Ramona Flowers*

        Coffee sounds great to me. I am really flexible on location so long as it’s within 10 min walk of a tube station (I get tired easily).

        I’m so tempted to turn up with something from the paperchase llama range to signal who I am hahahaha.

    5. Anon for this*

      Although I’ve gone anon to post this, I might be up for meeting up in Newcastle some time after Christmas. Quilliam’s is great but Olive and Bean is a fantastic coffee shop that is always worth a try!

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

        I don’t think I’ve ever been there so I’d be happy to try it!

    6. Potty pooper*

      Vaseline or petroleum-based lotion for the South end (raw from wiping), wet wipes, and put a tv in the bathroom. Loose sweats for prep day and procedure day – don’t want to fiddle with zippers and buttons, and a rule that, if possible, NO ONE else is allowed in ‘your’ bathroom.

      3. Ramona Flowers*

        I’ve had a really stressful day and I just proper cackled out loud at this. Thank you for the stress relief!

    8. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      In London as well – I work South Bank near the Tate but live very near east side, so anywhere between those two (and general vicinity) works for me. I tend to be more of a coffee person these days, but still open to Pub things.

      Post Christmas would probably work best otherwise there are a lot of parties going on right now. Would suggest maybe the Oyster Shed off the Thames Path (near Mansion House), Tate for coffee, El Vino (next to the Blackfriar), or somewhere around Borough Market possibly. I can also make Moorgate/Bank/Lpool St area work too. One other option is that there is a “hidden” Draft House just north of the Tower down a street behind the new Four Seasons (Behind the Pret). You have to know its there, which makes it rather quiet most times :)

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        Another vote for post Christmas as I don’t have much spare time or £ left in 2017 really!

    9. Grace Carrow*

      I would definitely be up for meeting in London, anywhere that’s reasonably close to a tube. Before or after Christmas would be fine. Happy to meet in a pub or coffee shop. There are some nice independent coffee cake & ice cream places on Edgware Road that stay open late. (Bakerloo, circle, district & Hammersmith & City lines). Anywhere on those lines or Jubilee line would be perfect for me. I could do pre or post Christmas.

    10. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      In London, but I’ll be gone for most of January. I could maybe do something in February/March.

  36. The Colon Knows?*

    I have to have my first colonoscopy next week and I am panicking about the prep day, like what to eat, how to stay comfortable, etc. Please give me your best tips for surviving prep day and the day-of the appointment itself! I have been reading horror stories online and I’ve freaked myself out.

    1. fposte*

      It’s usually mostly just annoying. Different preps have different levels of intensity, so your experience may depend on just what you’re taking. I’m following up with a link to great collected tips. For me, use a straw, wet your toilet paper, and keep some Vaseline on hand.

    2. Menacia*

      You should have been given instructions for prepping for your colonoscopy, but here are some tips:

      A few days before the colonoscopy procedure — Start a eating a low-fiber: no whole grains, nuts, seeds, dried fruit, or raw fruits or vegetables.

      The day before the colonoscopy procedure — Don’t eat solid foods. Instead, consume only clear liquids like clear broth or bouillon, black coffee or tea, clear juice (apple, white grape), clear soft drinks or sports drinks, Jell-O, popsicles, etc.

      The day of the colonoscopy procedure — As on the previous day, clear liquid foods only. Don’t eat or drink anything two hours before the procedure.

      You will also be given a prescription for the bowel prep, and depending on which one they choose (pills, GoLytely drink), it can be a little challenging. I am hoping for my next colonoscopy there is a better option because I could barely get the required amount of the liquid own, but I made sure to start eating lightly a few days before which helped me prepare.

      Also, stop reading the horror stories online…! ;)

    3. Nicole*

      I’ve had three colonoscopies and the best thing I ever did was ditch the prescription prep and do the Miralax Gatorade prep instead (Google it). The other stuff made me throw up and just made the process so horrible, but drinking the Gatorade with Miralax was easy and the worst part was how sore your butt gets from all that time on the toilet. I recommend a soft toilet seat if you’re able to swap yours out, some hemorrhoid-specific wet wipes, and lots of reading material!

      Also, don’t worry about the day of because you won’t feel or remember a thing of the procedure. They give you a light sedative that has amnesia qualities so it’s like you take a nap and then you’re done. Good luck!

      1. The Colon Knows?*

        Are you allowed to ditch the prescription prep and just do Miralax and Gatorade? I would like to do that since I’ve read it’s easier but I didn’t know if it would piss off my doctor or if they would even know.

        2. KarenK*

          That’s what I did for my last procedure and I hated it. The other stuff tastes gross, but it worked a lot better.

          1. Nicole*

            The prescription stuff can cause kidney damage (or at least it used to anyway) so for people such as myself the Gatorade combo is safer. What did you hate about it?

            1. fposte*

              I think it depends on what the prescription is for–the sodium phosphate is the one associated with kidney damage, but there are other prescription preps that aren’t sodium phosphate; some of them are basically Miralax with electrolytes and some have other mechanisms of action.

        3. ..Kat..*

          For my colonoscopy, miralax was the prep. You just need to make sure you are taking the correct dose with enough fluid intake.

    4. Lady Jay*

      Had one a few years back. Get a nice, big, dumb magazine for the back of your toilet (I had a bunch of bridal magazines).

    5. Pearly Girl*

      It’s really not that bad! Just get something interesting to read while you’re… um, busy.

      Also, you’re out during the procedure with a wonderful drug that makes you not remember much at all about any of it.

    6. paul*

      Did they give that awful nasty drink? I forget what it’s called but it taste like chalk and uh, it kinda cleans you out. I don’t think I was allowed to eat anything the day before mine, but I also had an endoscopy during it (TUBES IN ALL THE HOLES). So I’m not sure if that was for the colonoscopy or the endoscopy or both.

      Buy baby wipes. You’ll need them.

      1. Nicole*

        I just had an endoscopy recently and the only prep for that was no eating after midnight and no drinking four hours before the procedure. The chalky drink is barium if you need an upper GI. That stuff is even worse than the drink for a colonoscopy and I hope I never need another upper GI again. The nurses were getting so mad at me for not being able to drink it but I have a very sensitive stomach. I once had to drink water with iodine in it for a cat-scan (for a suspected kidney stone) and even though it just tasted like regular water the volume made me sick and I threw up.

        1. fposte*

          Volume is the real challenge with all of this stuff. That’s one of the reason the split prep (some the night before, some the morning of) is becoming more popular–people just couldn’t chug down that amount of liquid, even if it was in Gatorade.

    7. Artemesia*

      there is no ‘what to eat’ you don’t eat. They give you detailed instructions and they start several days before with a limited diet and nothing the day of prep. It is not pleasant but it is not a big deal. You want a comfortable chair and a pile of books in a private space and your own bathroom so you can hole up and drink the disgusting prep materials and proceed. I have done it several times and the prep solutions are increasingly palatable. The first time it was like drinking a gallon of liquid plastic it was awful. The second time it was drinking a gallon of not too unpleasant stuff. The last time I was able to drink a glass of a not horrible flavored liquid and then chase it with a 10 ounce glass of water which was MUCH less unpleasant than the earlier preps. Each time I was drinking a large quantity of liquid about every half hour or so for several hours.

    8. Anono-me*

      Plan to leave a little early for your appointment, in case you need to stop for a bathroom break on the way.

    9. Potty pooper*

      Vaseline or petroleum-based lotion for the South end (raw from wiping), wet wipes, and put a tv in the bathroom. Loose sweats for prep day and procedure day – don’t want to fiddle with zippers and buttons, and a rule that, if possible, NO ONE else is allowed in ‘your’ bathroom.

      And the prep tasted better icy cold.

      1. ..Kat..*

        I found coconut oil works better than Vaseline and other petroleum based products for your derrière. Start using it before your hiney starts hurting. You will need to apply this right at the “opening” of your South end and the near by skin. I also recommend having some adult diapers in your size. When you wake up needing to go,you may not make it to the toilet in time.

    10. the gold digger*

      Mine was fine. The prep was not nearly as bad as everyone says – but stop eating high-fiber foods several days before your prep. And the procedure itself is a piece of cake. I don’t know why there is so much drama about all of this. For me, it was easy.

      Use a straw to drink the solution or chug it (that is, don’t let it hit your tastebuds). I didn’t add the flavoring because lemon-tasting nasty stuff didn’t sound any better than nasty stuff.

      I drank apple juice on prep day and didn’t get hungry. A friend got really good chicken soup at a deli and strained all the solids out.

      I started my prep (working from home) at 2 instead of 5, as I did not want to be up at 11 checking – things.

      It was not that bad! It really wasn’t. And once I was at the clinic, they gave me an IV (that’s the part I was dreading, but the nurse was so good I didn’t even notice) and I was out and then I was done.

    11. Girasol*

      I followed the instructions I was given, which sounded horrible, and it turned out it wasn’t all that bad. For both prep and procedure my imagination was much more awful than reality.

    12. Aphrodite*

      Don’t freak out. It will be fine–at least as fine as something that embarrassing can be.

      Follow your doctor’s instructions about what to eat and drink and when to stop. I have always done better since I tend to stick strictly to water for about 36 hours in advance. I don’t know why I don’t try chicken stock–it would have nutrients water doesn’t have–but I don’t. And I cannot stand jello or anything else on the approved list. Easier to go with water, I guess, as I only want to go through this once (each time). But do have something tasty and easy to eat for afterwards like eggs. However, in my last one with a different doctor, I felt bright, alert and very cheery afterward because he used little anesthesia. I had my driver-friend stop by McDonald’s so I could get a huge burger and fries–and I don’t like fast food but I sure ate that.

      Also embarrassing is preparing for the prep, the worst part by far. I buy Depends, lots of them and have them open and ready to go (I often put on two at once because I do not want accidents. I hate it but the stuff you have to drink is very effective. I also have plenty of bleach and vinegar and -paper towels paper bags inside plastic bags in the bathroom. If I am sitting in the living room I have put down a old towels I got from the thrift store to guard against any accidents but have not had any. The idea is to minimize risk, but I am sorry to say you are not going to enjoy this part. Keep in mind, though, that the “cleaner’ you are the better for the doctor and for your results.

      Good luck and always remind yourself that the procedure is far, far better than the alternative.

    13. Colonel Colon*

      The procedures and advice offered by Nicole is what my doctor had me do. (Gatorade and Miralax.) Complicating things a bit was the fact that my doctor also decided that this would be a good time to do hemorrhoid banding. Afterwards I was mildly alarmed when my doctor informed me that he removed several precancerous polyps (but I’m glad that they were only precancerous and not the full-blown thing).

      My doctor assured me that I could go back to work the next day, so I did. In retrospect, I wish I had taken the day off from work and just stayed home to rest and sleep for a day. I was definitely off of my game at work the day after. Since they found precancerous polyps the first time I’m supposed to go back and have another procedure 3 years after the last one.

      1. the gold digger*

        I took a sick day the day after mostly because our new corporate owners changed our personal days to sick days (yes, I have effectively lost 25% of my vacation time) and I will darned it I am going to let them go unused, but also because I knew the fasting would give me a migraine and I suspected that I would get whatever negative effects might come from the anesthesia because I always get the negative side effects of drugs.

  37. Lady Jay*

    Anything I can do to get my downstairs neighbor to turn down the heat?

    During winter, he puts plastic over the windows, which causes all the heat to rise straight up into my apartment and accumulate there. So it will be 30-40 degrees outside, and I’ll be cracking open windows as I go to bed because it’s 75 in the house even with my own heat completely off. This is uncomfortable for me, especially since I have a skin condition that’s exacerbated by the heat. (I like my home 70-71 during the winter.)

    I’m actually on good terms with this neighbor. We’ve hung out a few times and occasionally swap baked goods. I guess if I were pressed, I’d say there’s not much to be done besides opening my windows more (how do you say, “turn down the heat in your house!”) but thought I’d ask here before I give up altogether.

    1. Kathenus*

      I’ve been there when I lived in apartment buildings. I always just used the windows to regulate the temperatures as you mentioned. I was trying to write a potential script of how to bring it up in a more neutral way, but can’t come up with anything that doesn’t sound like you’re asking him to lower the heat even if he prefers it as is. I’ve lived places with such drafty windows that I had to use the plastic – because otherwise there were whole sections of living space that were too uncomfortable to use – that may be his issue. I’d just keep opening the windows as needed. One of the quirks of apartment living.

      1. fposte*

        I’m in agreement. I mean, if merely putting plastic over the windows raises the temperature of *your* apartment that much, those are hella drafty windows that I can’t blame somebody for wanting to block.

        I’d add a fan to the window usage to spread the cool better.

      2. Lady Jay*

        Sadly, I’m in a rural part of the country. An open window can sometimes carry the lovely scent of eau de cow. :)

    2. INTP*

      I definitely don’t think that there is any way that you can reasonably ask him to turn the heat down and keep his apartment cooler. You can’t ask him to be cold so that you won’t be hot, and chances are he keeps it at that temp because he gets cold when it’s cooler. It *might* be possible to ask him to remove the plastic from his windows so the heat leaks out instead of just up, but only if the heat is included in your rent, so you aren’t asking him to pay more, and you have individual control over the heat in your own apartments so that he would definitely be able to crank up the heat more to maintain the same temperature. Even then, he may refuse if he’s environmentally conscious or spends a lot of time near his windows.

    4. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I’m replying so late you might not ever see this — I’m not sure if the heating ducts are in the floor or ceiling of his apartment. If they are in the ceiling, it could be that they aren’t sealed or insulated very well, so all of his heat is rising rather than making his apartment warmer, which means he needs to run it more in order to keep warm. If you approach him, you could suggest that you each pay half on some sort of HVAC inspection to see how efficient the system is. He might be spending a fortune on heat and would love to reduce his costs. Alternatively, is there any way to increase the insulation or create a barrier between your apartment and his without his input, like adding rugs?

  38. Merci Dee*

    Goodness gracious. My mom just stopped by to pick up my daughter for their traditional day of Christmas shopping. Mom takes her out so that kiddo can choose presents for me and my dad without us along on the trip. Kiddo looks forward to the shopping trip, and gets so excited when she and mom start planning for it. No telling when they’ll finally get home.

      1. Merci Dee*

        They were gone for about 3 hours, and were giggling and whispering when they got back. I’m pretty sure they were very pleased with the gifts they managed to find today. :)

    2. Courtney*

      Aw, this sounds very nice! I just showed my kids things online and had them pick something out to be their present to dad, haha.

      1. Merci Dee*

        After they got back from shopping, kiddo and I went out for shopping of our own. Mom had given her a few ideas for gifts for my dad, so we picked up something for him. Also got my mom a gorgeous pullover sweater, since that’s what she asked for.

    3. Windchime*

      My mom used to do this with my kids when they were little. They all looked forward to it. She would then take them back to her house so they could wrap their gifts with her paper and tape. So much fun!

      1. Merci Dee*

        My mom usually takes care of the wrapping, so that’ll be done separately. But kiddo and I will go to mom and dad’s place this coming Friday to help them decorate their Christmas tree. Kiddo loves doing that – my folks have a larger and more elaborate tree than we do, since they don’t have a cat that would try to climb it. :)

    4. Artemesia*

      Oh that is a great tradition, I should do that with my granddaughter. We do lots of things together but I hadn’t thought of that and she is getting old enough to do that.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Mom’s been taking kiddo Christmas shopping since she was about 4, and she’s 13 this year. I suspect they’ll still be going out for their annual shopping trip right up until kiddo heads off to college in 5 years or so.

        5 years until college. Now I’m feeling a little light headed. O_o

  39. fposte*

    Stains! Some people before recommended Nature’s Miracle as an enzymatic cleaner that “lifts” stains. I was keen to try it, but then I saw that “Nature’s Miracle” is a brand name and the product line is extensive. If I want to try an enzymatic cleaner, what product, not just brand, should I look at, either in the NM line or another one?

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      I’ve had great luck with NM Original Stain and Odor Remover. I have cats, so I’ve also used the Just For Cats formula of the Stain and Odor Remover, but I don’t find a huge difference either way.

    2. Temperance*

      Are you looking for something to clean pet stains, or something else? I second Valancy’s recommendation of the NM Original brand, but I’ve only used it for pet issues.

      1. fposte*

        Food stains on carpet and upholstery–areas where lifting the stain sounds a lot better than just smushing it around in place.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I use the Original also. Link in reply below.

      I see the instructions say not to use it on leather, but I used it on suede and it was indeed a miracle. It could be that they have changed their formula. I tried it because the jacket was ruined, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. It worked.
      I used in the laundry for any stain from a natural source such as blood or grass stains. I don’t use it on garden dirt knees though. I just scrub with a scrub brush in that case. I have also used it on food stains on clothing and upholstery/rugs. The trick is to get the stain as soon as possible. And this rule goes for any stain and any product, sooner is always better than later.

      It does great with coffee on the rug. Spray the stain. Come back later and the stain is gone. Other situations may require more effort such as several applications or blotting up excess fluid etc.

      2. nonegiven*

        In regular laundry, Biz. Biz used to be just a powder but it comes in other forms, I think now. We’d make a paste with the enzyme cleaner powder and rub into the stain on both sides of the fabric and let it sit for 20 minutes, then wash. Check the stain to see if it needs to be repeated because once you dry it, the stain is harder to get out. I had a report from someone who I suggested it to, that it got (nursing home worker) poop stain out of white polyester.

  40. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    We changed our Facebook status to “Engaged” last night. It’s finally official! (No ring selfie, it feels a bit showy and I’m a slight introvert). A ton of privacy settings on. Now comes the planning but we’ve calendared it all so it’s good knock on wood.

    1. How do you enjoy SO quality time that is nonwedding related aka pure relaxation? (Eg. Watch a movie? Go for a walk?)
    2. Any easy cookie recipes? My brains exhausted from this week. In a good way.

    The people who:
    1. Need to know (eg. Groomsmen) know and
    2. Are 100% supportive know.
    Privacy settings on, and hoping for peace on earth and all that….

    2. Ramona Flowers*

      It wasn’t ostensibly a non-wedding activity as it was something we did for the wedding, but we had a few private dancing lessons and it was so much fun and made us laugh.

    4. Bryce*

      Mazel tov! I was just about to make some oatmeal raisin cookies that I remember being simple, lemme photo the recipe.

      2. Bryce*

        Posted, not showing up. Probably needs moderation, if stuff gets stuck I’ll copy it out by hand instead.

    5. Red Reader*

      Easy easy cookies (that are gluten free if anyone needs!):
      1 cup peanut butter (I use creamy, but crunchy works too)
      1 egg
      1 cup granulated sugar

      Mix together into a smooth dough, form balls about quarter-sized, bake at 350 for 9-10 minutes.

      Tweaks I’ve done:
      add mini chocolate chips or toffee bits into the dough pre-baking.
      or, after you take them out of the oven, press a Hershey’s kiss or a Rolo candy into the top of each one while they’re still hot.

      I’m told you can do a similar type cookie with 1 cup of Nutella, 1 egg and 1 cup of flour, though at that point it’s no longer GF. I haven’t tried this version though as I’m not a hazelnut fan myself.

    6. Natalie*

      Something that helped my now-husband and I was to have set “wedding planning” time, rather than just letting it mushroom and absorb our entire lives. As part of that, we had a shared spreadsheet (on google drive) where we kept track of everything – tasks that needed to be done, budget, estimates, actual payments made, etc. so we knew everything was written down somewhere and could mentally let it go at all times that weren’t “Wedding planning time”. A flowchart can also be useful – if you know you can’t do X until you do Y, you can just let go of X for now.

      One last suggestion with regard to the actual planning is doing the Practical Wedding technique of each coming up with 3 things that mattered the most to us. It helps focus your planning on what’s really key, again so it doesn’t mushroom and take over everything.

    7. Anion*

      The “World’s Easiest” Cookie:

      (That’s what the recipe is/was called, it’s not my name for it)

      1 box Devil’s Food cake mix
      1/4 cup vegetable oil
      2 eggs
      1/2 tsp vanilla

      Combine above. Roll mixture into 1/2″ balls (roughly). Roll balls in powdered sugar and place on baking sheet (space them out, they will spread.) Bake at 350 for 9-12 minutes.

      I made these once for my daughter’s class at school for her birthday, and they were so popular that I was literally begged to make them again for every school bake sale and party. (It was actually a bit ego-destroying, lol, because I’d made all kinds of other cookies from scratch, but these were the ones everyone loved.) I must have given the recipe out a dozen times over the course of about four years.

      One of the box-cake companies now packages a mix for these–chocolate crinkle cookies–which I find pretty funny considering that they’re just cake mix anyway. You can also try it with any other type of cake mix, if you want.

      That may be more complicated than you want to get, or you may not want to use a box mix (I’m not a fan and never use them for cakes) but they are really good cookies. I’ve found that if you roll them in the powdered sugar, let them sit ten minutes or so, and then roll them again, you get more of that “crinkle cookie” look where you can still see the powdered sugar on them.

    8. Traveling Teacher*

      I’d say: decide what you really, really care about now, and delegate/let go of the rest, if it comes up. We spent a lot of time stressed about how various parties were “taking over” our wedding, and I think that if we’d done that at the beginning instead of T minus two weeks, we would have really been able to enjoy our time “off” :)

      When we did take time off, though, we left the house and switched the sim card in one of our phones to an old Nokia so that we wouldn’t waste time poodling around half-planning/stressing.

      (We only had about four months between engaged and wedding, though! Your mileage may vary!)

      1. Carmen Sandiego JD*

        Thanks re: planning tips!
        We are using a Google Calendar function.
        (we have maybe 5 months or 4 months to plan, but we’ve done a done of pre-planning (wedding dress bought, venue on hold, planner chosen, etc.) The Nokia thing is definitely a creative idea!

        Bryce & others–thanks for the recipes! Also, the cake recipe? I need to try that :)
        I remember chocolate crinkle cookies–baking them from scratch. They took ages….but there’s a boxed version? Hmmmmm :)

  41. SRB*

    Thank you to the commenter(s?) yesterday that recommended ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life. I ordered it on kindle, read it the whole way through, and have already recommended it to someone else who has an ADHD person in their life.

    I’m seeing my therapist next week. I haven’t quite organized my thoughts on where to start… (How do I organize my thoughts about where to start organizing my thoughts, oh the irony!) But two main things stand out: I need to work on establishing routines to reduce clutter because it’s a huge visual distractor for me and I need to work on recognizing and redirecting when my brain is searching for stimulation and goes to either food or negative emotional thoughts… I also have lots of FEELS about some of these strategies and asking for help from friends and family, so I have to work through that too…there were a few sections I had to skip through because my brain dropped an Unexpected Feelingsbomb on me and I figured crying was not (a) normal nor (b) a good way to finish this book.

    But anyways, thank you so much!! :)

  42. Kali*

    Aaaah, such an awkward moment this week!

    I was at McDonalds and I went to the bathroom. Someone was lying on the floor but awake and talking. Someone else was on the phone, and the lobby hostess was by the door. I looked at the lobby hostess wondering if she’d ask me to wait or tell me to go somewhere else, but she didn’t, so I walked into a cubicle. This all took place in 5-10 seconds. As I locked the cubicle, I took in that the person on the phone was talking to a medical professional. Their friend had been suffering frequent nosebleeds and was lying on the floor because she had been bleeding for two hours without stopping. At that point, I felt awful and realised I was being really weird and I should have just left. I considered leaving the bathroom then, but I thought that would be MORE awkward at that point, so I just peed, washed my hands and left. I really hope that that person was okay.

    1. Phillipa*

      Yikes! But honestly, I’m sure it was way more awkward for you than for them. I used to suffer from really frequent and heavy nosebleeds and would feel mortified if my presence in a public restroom prevented anyone else from using it! From my perspective, I would have been grateful for someone do their business rather than leaving the restroom for my sake or asking me if I was ok (yes I’m fine!! Just bleeding uncontrollably from an orifice!).

    2. another Liz*

      Sounds like the situation was under control, and I think the employee would have stopped you if it wasn’t. Brains are weird, try not to beat yourself up over not processing a really weird set of circumstances. Awkward Yeti helps me realize I’m not alone in the way my brain werks.

  43. DietCokeHead*

    So we moved into our house the weekend before Thanksgiving and now I know why no one recommends moving around the holidays. It’s just been all frantic unpacking and trying to get settled before Christmas. I feel like it will never end. And now I’m going to go back to unpacking and organizing the bathroom. Ugh.

    1. Gingerblue*

      Moving is officially The Worst. You’ll get it done, though, and things will be so much better soon!

  44. Trish*

    Question from a non-American here: exactly what is Marshmallow Fluff? Do you spread it on bread or is it used in baking or stuff like that? (Marshmallow is basically sugar isn’t it? So is it just a fluffy sugar paste type thing?) Does anyone eat it out of a jar like some do with peanut butter?

    1. fposte*

      Marshmallows are basically cooked sugars with a touch of vanilla stabilized with gelatin.

      Marshmallow Fluff is the texture of the gooey center of marshmallows when they’re toasted, but cold. If you’re not in a marshmallow culture that probably doesn’t help–think something between soft meringue topping and soft caramel. I think it’s made with stuff NASA brought back from the moon.

      And yes, people definitely eat it out of a jar.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      My knowledge of Marshmallow Fluff is limited to using it to make fudge, Rice Krispies treats, and on hot chocolate. I live in Massachuetts, where our state sandwich is the fluffernutter – peanut butter and marshmallow fluff on white bread. As for the texture/consistency, it’s really like the inside of a marshmallow slightly melted. Really good on hot chocolate!

      2. nonegiven*

        There was a fudge recipe on the Kraft marshmallow cream jar that I always used to make at Christmas, before half the people I know got diabetes, pre-diabetes or hypoglycemia.

    3. CAA*

      Marshmallows are sugar syrup whipped with gelatin until fluffy and then left to set. You cut them into pieces and they will hold their shape because of the gelatin.

      Marshmallow Fluff (at least the homemade kind, I can’t speak for the store bought kind) is sugar syrup beaten into whipped egg whites. It tastes about the same as marshmallows, but the egg whites and lack of gelatin keep it a spreadable consistency. You can find a recipe for it at the King Arthur Flour website if you’re interested.

        1. fposte*

          The homemade Fluff recipes I’m seeing don’t actually heat the sugar syrup (or cook the egg white in any other way). It’s basically the batter for regular meringue but with corn syrup. I don’t think I’d use that uncooked. (There may be others that are either just rebadged Italian Meringue or are Italian Meringue with corn syrup. Wonder what Mary Berry would think of that.)

          I suspect that store Fluff–aka authentic Fluff–goes through some heat processing to render the egg whites cooked enough to be shelf stable. It also involves “Artificial Flavor, Cream of Tartar, Xanthan Gum, Artificial Color (Contains Blue 1).” Mmm, 1 is the best Blue.

          1. Natalie*

            IIRC cream of tartar will stabilize meringue and whipped cream. Although I don’t know for how long.

        2. CAA*

          You know, I hadn’t thought of that, but they really are the same thing. Maybe that helps Trish understand the taste and consistency of marshmallow fluff.

    4. TiffIf*

      Also, fun fact, some people (not me, I don’t like marshmallow fluff) will eat marshmallow fluff WITH peanut butter on a sandwich. It’s called a fluffernutter.

    5. Uncivil Engineer*

      As far as I can tell, it has two uses. First, you can use it in baking instead of melting marshmallows. Second, it is a vegetarian product while regular marshmallows are not. (And vegan marshmallows are a pain to melt.)

        1. Natalie*

          I think the veg/non distinction is the gelatin, assuming marshmallows use animal derived and not agar. A “standard” (ovo-lacto) vegetarian wouldn’t mind the eggs.

    6. Lily Evans*

      It’s really good with peanut butter as a sandwich, I used to love them as a kid! Just imagine fluffy, sticky, sweet marshmallow spread combined with the saltiness of peanut butter, it’s great. It’s a bit too sweet for my taste to eat it straight out of the jar, but I’m sure people do. I also wouldn’t eat just fluff in a sandwich for the same reason. Also I’ve heard it’s a regional US thing? I live in the Northeast so I’m not sure if that’s true since it’s popular here and I’ve never lived anywhere else in the country.

      1. KR*

        You can’t really find marshmallow fluff like you can find it in New England
        Outside of new England sadly.

    7. Windchime*

      I’m from the West Coast and we call it Marshmallow Creme. I’ve heard it called Fluff before, but never actually seen it packaged as “Marshmallow Fluff”. I have only ever used it for making fudge; to me, it’s way too sticky and sweet to eat straight out of the jar.

      1. Cristina in England*

        We even get Marshmallow Fluff over here in the U.K.! Never seen it sold as Creme on back home on the east coast but that makes sense if it was invented in Somerville.

        It makes Rice Krispie Treats super easy especially if you only have a small pot.

    8. Menacia*

      I wonder if Marshmallow Fluff is the reason why I dislike marshmallows to this day. I remember watching my friend eat it at her house (we actually never had it in ours), and she made me a sandwich (w/pb on white bread) and to this day I remember the smell/taste being revolting (her house was pretty gross too). I still love me a good pb&j though! :)

    9. LadyKelvin*

      Gastropod did a whole episode on fluff since on of the hosts is from Somerville. You should listen to it (and then go back and listen to all of them because they are awesome) but they give the whole history of fluff!

  45. Nicole*

    It’s the most wonderful time of the year – Vlogmas! Is anyone else excited to watch other people document their holidays on YouTube? I started out watching beauty “guru” videos for a short time when I was obsessed with makeup, and now I continue to watch my favorite YouTube channels because it’s fun to see what everyone else is up to during this time of year.

    I also recently discovered some new channels that focus on decluttering and organization which is right up my alley. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I spent four hours yesterday just watching videos.

    1. Enya*

      Oh, I love decluttering and organizing vids! My Great Challenge is a good channel. Any others you recommend?

      3. Nicole*

        My newest faves are:
        ClutterBug
        Do It On A Dime
        Simply Cherie

        I also love watching JAMbeauty89 – She does some decluttering videos here and there but she’s also so down to earth; I love watching her and her husband during Vlogmas. They like to travel and are big Disney nerds so I enjoy those videos as well. Most of the travel stuff is on his channel which is – TylerTravelsTV – (with the dashes).

        1. Traveling Teacher*

          Have to add Alejandra.tv She is just as perfectionistic as me about getting something right if you’re actually going to take the time to organize it, and she has videos that range from Dollar Tree to high budget organization.

      4. Traveling Teacher*

        You might also like “How to Get Your Shit Together”–Irish woman who’s done KonMari but is mostly just focused on doing things that work. She’s recently moved to the US, and watching her reactions to things in the US vs Ireland is hilarious.

    2. Windchime*

      I would totally love to watch decluttering videos. I’ve been getting hooked on YouTube lately. My favorites:

      –Carpool Karaoke with James Corden
      –The Midnight Quilt Show
      –Knitting with Arne and Carlos (two very sweet guys who live in Norway in a beautiful old house on a lake)
      –Superfruit

      I have literally spent hours lately just watching You Tube.

    3. Sylvan*

      !!!

      I completely forgot that this was coming. I love Jackie Aina’s roasts of the year’s makeup trends.

    4. Torrance*

      Only one YouTuber I follow is really doing Vlogmas this year (Bunny/grav3yardgirl). I just started watching her earlier this year and she’s a hoot so I’m interested to see what she comes up with.

    5. Cassie*

      I would love decluttering videos! I always felt highly motivated to clean after watching hoarding shows, but it would be nice to see something a little more low-key that can produce the same effect. I just want to get rid of some junk mail, not unearth some cat skeletons.

  46. Anon for this*

    I’m having a hard time: mom just got a cancer diagnosis with surgery this week, so I have to take time off school at the end of the semester. Then I caught strep throat which means I’m too sick to go home AND too sick to work. Have to reschedule the GRE b/c of strep to the week I get back to school, which is the week before final exams, when I also have a ton of work due, opus grad school applications. There’s are some other pressures with family estrangements, long driving distances, and an unexpected new deadline also complicating things.

    I know sometimes shit just happens, but I feel so irresponsible, with rising panic, lying in bed for a week when I should be helping my mom, studying, organizing, and whatnot. But I’ve been way too sick to be around my mother and too sick to make sense of my classes, and WOW I forgot how painful strep throat is.

    *sigh* I was in such good shape academically and on top of all these deadlines before cancer and strep throat. I’m afraid of ruining my semester and my chances at grad school now, but there’s a limit to how much I can do in a given time-frame when my mom needs my attention. What do y’all do when there’s a mountain of responsibilities bearing down on you, but family crisis or health crisis gets in the way of doing it all? How do you make yourself ok with failures that you can’t completely control?

    1. AAM fan*

      Go to or call the counselling department at your school, tell them the situation and ask about extensions, other options etc., so this doesn’t affect your grades. Crises happen to students just as they do to everyone else, the school will have procedures to help you out. Good luck with everything!

    2. Temperance*

      You absolutely need to talk to the dean of students now. They can help you navigate this so your grades won’t suffer.

      A friend of mine lost her dad right before finals, and the school was able to help her.

    3. Phillipa*

      That sounds incredibly stressful — I’m so sorry all these things have piled up! In addition to the other advice, I would encourage you to reach out (probably by email) to your professors. See if you can delay some deadlines, and then prioritize tasks accordingly to meet the deadlines you can’t shift.

      I don’t want to minimize what you’re going through, but it usually helps me to remind myself that I’m not the first person ever to have a rough semester, or to deal with sickness. Have courage in your own resiliency; you will not be sick forever, these deadlines will pass, and you WILL get through this.

    4. Anon for this*

      Oh, I’ve talked to my dean, department head, and my professors. Some are super supportive and others are grudgingly supportive (“gee that sucks but when can you take my exam?”), but the fact remains that it all has to get done in a certain timeframe. I’m a good student generally but between transferring schools and having a rough first semester in my new program, I was really counting on getting straight As this semester (so doable! I was there!) and nailing the GRE to be competitive for grad school. If I hadn’t gotten sick I’d be in much better shape, but being sick myself with such a common thing feels like more of a personal failing than caring for someone else while they are sick.

      The funny thing is, this all happened two years ago too! Sister was hospitalized three weeks before exams, took a leave of absence, worked from the waiting rooms, etc. At least I’m only 2.5 hrs away instead of across the country this time.

      Thanks for the good wishes.

      1. TL -*

        Can you shelf applying to grad school until next year? A lot of programs look favorably on taking a year to work anyways and it would take a lot of the stress off.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I might consider this too. A year off won’t be that big of a deal and will give you some breathing room.

        2. Anon for this*

          I’m actually 30! I switched careers and went back to undergrad for a second degree in a technical subject. My new field is difficult to get hired in without a masters, but it is true that I could find a smaller outfit to work with for a year or so. I’m so tired of playing catch-up though….

          1. TL -*

            I can see why you wouldn’t want to wait! But maybe just commit to playing it by ear – if you have time to turn in a good application, you will. If not, you’ll do what work you can and a lot of it can be used next year (personal statement, CV, ect…)

          2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

            I started my PhD a month before I turned 30. You wouldn’t be the only one I’m sure!

    5. Epsilon Delta*

      I’m sorry to hear you have to deal with all of this stuff at once! When I am feeling overwhelmed I try to take a moment to ground myself and figure out what I can do now, what I can do today, and what I can do in the next week. Some things will not get done or will not get done to their usual standards, but I will come out on the other side and overall things will be ok.
      This is a post on another blog I read that explores the idea that “The sky has already fallen a thousand times.” http://www.raptitude.com/2013/10/6-helpful-reminders-for-the-overwhelmed-person/

    6. Artemesia*

      If incompletes with time to make up papers and such would help, do that. Your school will certainly negotiate that in your situation. And in grad school you usually can take a semester or more off and return. Depending on the outcome of your mother’s situation that may make sense at some point. Most people with a cancer diagnosis, even a seriously advanced one now can get treatment that leads to remission for a long while. I hope that is the case with your Mom. I have a friend who recently came out of remission and doesn’t have long, but she had 5 good years after her first round of treatments and she was stage 4 at diagnosis.

      If you need to take a semester to be with your Mom you can probably do it and much more easily than if you were working full time. Let that be an option if you find you need it. I hope things go well for your Mom and you don’t have to face that kind of choice, but know that you almost certainly have that option.

  47. 24601*

    Anyone here bake bread without a machine? Do you need to be particularly precise with measuring out ingredients like you do with baked desserts (using scales etc) or is it okay to approximate with measuring cups/spoons?
    Basically I like the idea of making bread (and /love/ the smell of freshly baked bread!) but don’t want to have to spend a lot on equipment.

    1. fposte*

      I’ve only baked bread that way, but I’m not, like, a major breadmaker. And while I love baking science, I never became the kind of baker of cakes who uses scales either. If volume measures are good enough for America’s Test Kitchen, they’re good enough for me.

      So I say go ahead.

    2. Red*

      I’ve made bread with measuring cups/spoons before and it turned out perfectly delicious. I just like the scales and such better because it reminds me of my days spent in chemistry labs (which I greatly enjoyed). And I guess they’re more precise or whatever.

      Anyway, get your measuring cups and spoons, they’re fine. Just remember not to measure flour/dry ingredients in one of those big Pyrex thingies that can measure any sort of amount of ingredient – those are for wet ingredients only! Use a measuring cup designed to measure the amount you need.

    3. Em*

      I’ve baked a lot of bread & have no scales. Regular measuring spoons are fine. I have a kitchenaid, which helps with kneading, but have also made plenty by hand- it’s just more labor intensive. Go ahead & give bread a try! No crazy equipment needed. If you really get into it, buying yeast in bulk (like from Costco but I think the regular grocery store also has jarred yeast that works) is so much cheaper than the packets, but if you’re just starting out, the packets are totally fine. Same with flour- I’ve used plenty of all purpose flour vs bread flour & it works fine, even if bread flour is technically better.

    4. Lady Jay*

      You can make bread with no equipment but an ordinary loaf pan (and in fact, I prefer doing it this way, as the extra equipment just makes things more complicated). You can also not be particularly precise; good breadmaking is about “feel” – e.g. if the dough is still a little too sticky, you add a bit more flour; and often, precise measurements without regard to “feel” will result in bad bread.

      A few ideas:
      * King Arthur Flour (KAF) has good baking guides on their website; look there for resources.
      * Also check out the Fresh Loaf, which has a series of ten lessons on baking your first loaves of bread.
      * Join the “Bread Baking” group on Facebook, which is devoted to baking bread; the pictures will inspire you, and everyone in the group is very helpful at answering questions and helping you improve your craft.

      1. Fiennes*

        Seconding the recommendation for the King Arthur flour site. Made a variation on their pumpkin bread for Thanksgiving and it went over really well.

      2. Artemesia*

        Watch the Great British Baking show bread segments for great ideas. If you are going to make the effort might as well make something amazing.

    5. Windchime*

      I have made bread just using measuring cups and spoons and it turns out great. I don’t have a Kitchen Aid mixer so I have always just kneaded it by hand. It’s very soothing and therapeutic actually; you kind of get into a groove and once you’ve done a few loaves, you can tell when the bread is done being kneaded and ready for the second rise.

      Good luck!

    6. Lcsa99*

      I’ve actually been making our bread once a week for the last two years or so. You definitely should use measuring cups and spoons for the basics, but like others have said, depending on lots of factors you might add a little more water or flour as needed.

      I only use a scale when I am making dinner rolls, because it helps keep the sizes and baking times consistent. If you are making a loaf you don’t need anything special. A loaf pan makes things easy but you can also go without the loaf pan and free shape a loaf once you get the feel for the dough and that looks so pretty.

      I do like to use a thermometer to measure the internal temperature when I am trying a new recipe but that’s not strictly necessary.

    7. LadyKelvin*

      I bake bread regularly and have all kinds of fun equipment, but the only thing I would recommend is a scale, you can get one for <$15 and it does help a lot particularly when you are measuring flour because a cup of flour can be anywhere from 3oz-7oz depending on how it is packed, how much water it contains, etc. So I start with the measured ingredients and then based upon how the dough feels I might add more water or flour (noting that it is much harder to add water than flour). Plus when you are trying to substitute flours (like bread for AP or using wheat instead of AP) you want to add equal weights not equal volumes because a cup of each of them will weigh different amounts. I don't think a machine is worth it, personally. I have one because it was a gift and i do use it to kneed things like rolls and pizza dough, but I do most of my other breads by hand or with my kitchen aide. I would never bake in my machine because I think it bakes unevenly. The more you make bread the less measuring you'll have to do as well, because you'll start to learn what the dough should feel like which is much more important than the total amount of stuff you've added. Good luck baking!

    8. Middle School Teacher*

      I bake bread by hand probably three times a month? I’ve never had a machine. The recipe I use is a no-knead, peasant bread, and it always turns out nicely. I’ve done both by weight (I have a little scale that cost me $15) and by volume, and I find by weight is a bit better, but it’s just my preference. I also reduce my flour a bit in the winter because it gets really dry here.

      The recipe I use is called My mother’s peasant bread from alexandracooks (dotcom). There’s also a seedy peasant bread recipe on the budget bytes site I’m going to try this weekend!

    10. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’m not the world’s best baker or anything but I am never very precise with measurements and usually it turns out fine. When I get it in my head that I want to bake I either make a no-knead variety (my favorite is the beer-based dump-it-all-in-a-bowl-and-mix recipe, or else things like banana bread) or a yeast bread and just knead it by hand. For a while I had a sourdough starter going but it was a bit of a pain. If there’s a recipe I will start out following the general measurements but sometimes things like humidity and ambient temperature will make a difference and you will need more or less flour, you might decide on a whim to throw some extra ingredients in, etc etc. Don’t be intimidated! I think it’s actually quite hard to make an inedible product unless you either burn or overcook it.

    11. Bobstinacy*

      I’m a professional baker who specializes in bread, I feel like my entire AAM career has been leading to this comment thread.

      Measuring by weight is more precise than measuring by volume, but unless you’re interested in tweaking the recipe in precise ways there’s nothing wrong with going by volume.

      The only thing I’d invest in is a good loaf pan or baking stone depending on what style of loaf you’re making. If there’s a kitchen supply store near you they usually have good quality equipment that isn’t very expensive, the stuff that gets sold in department stores haunts my dreams.

    12. nonegiven*

      I try to measure out precisely with cups and spoons, but I feel the dough and make sure it isn’t too sticky and add more flour if it is.
      I use a stand mixer with a dough hook. I’d never be able to make bread without it.

      Make sure you have the right kind of yeast for the recipe. Don’t forget to put salt in with the flour. Those are probably the most important rules.

    13. Natalie*

      I’m a big fan of the technique in the book Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes A Day – if you haven’t done a lot of bread making it’s a nice easy way to start. The only equipment they suggest that you wouldn’t already have is a baking stone, and you can get a good one for ~$25.

    14. HannahS*

      I approximate. I approximate for literally everything, as right now I don’t own measuring spoons and sometimes don’t feel like washing the measuring cup. It always turns out fine. Anyway, I’m Canadian; our cups are 10 mL more than American cups which throws everything out of whack when I use American recipes and it has never not worked. Here’s what you need to bake bread: a teaspoon, a cup measure, end of list. I approximated for cinnamon buns last week, worked great! Have approximated for challah, too. I’d actually recommend starting with challah, if you’re new to bread baking, because it’s so forgiving. The most important thing about baking bread is knowing the texture it should be at different points, and on humid/dry days that means adding more/less flour. Start with measuring, and over time you’ll find you can just dump some yeast into your palm, throw it into the bowl with some warm water and a pinch of sugar, then add, eh, yea much flour and knead it, etc.

        1. HannahS*

          I know, right? An American cup is 240 mL and a Canadian/Australian cup is 250 mL. But in breadmaking, I’ve used Canadian cups for the flour and American measures for the yeast and sugar and it works fine. I’ve also just used tea-and tablespoons from my regular cutlery drawer.

    15. ThursdayNext*

      I like baking and cooking and I bake a lot – sweets and bread. I think a generic loaf of bread is one of the more forgiving things I’ve baked. I know about how much yeast and water I add and I always add 1 tsp of salt, but after that I just add flour until it’s at the consistency that I like and go from there. I’ve seen recipes that call for adding some milk, olive oil, butter or none of the above and they all turn out fine.
      I’m American and I just use volume measurements. I recognize how weird that can get but it’s how I learned baking and works well for me.
      With bread, and with most cooking, I started by religiously following a recipe and then as I got better, or more comfortable, at making a particular item I started to be more flexible with following recipes, because I know what works for me and in my kitchen.

    16. Nacho*

      I’ve made a couple of loafs before, and I don’t even own a scale.

      Baking’s more of an art than a science, despite the huge amount of science involved.

    18. Mephyle*

      I have baked bread for years, and never had a machine. You don’t need to be that precise. Even for baked desserts I’ve always used measuring cups and spoons. In Europe recipes tend to use weight, but here in North America, almost all our baking recipes (both breads and other desserts) are almost always based on just volume measurements. All the equipment you need are a set of measuring cups and spoons, a mixing bowl, and a bunch of loaf pans.

  48. HowInTheWorld*

    It’s so shocking to me how most pants for plus-size women are just tents for your legs. I was trying on slacks today and one pair looked so bad I burst into tears as soon as I saw my reflection. Why is it so hard to make good-looking, non-tent-like pants for bigger women? I just don’t understand.

    1. Courtney*

      I just cried in a fitting room over this last month – I’m very apple shaped, and anything that fits comfortable in my waist makes me look ridiculous everywhere else. If you have a JC Penney near you, I finally found my holy grail dress pants there – the brand is Worthington, style is the Skinny Fit pull on slim pants. Online they look sketchy – the model picture isn’t the most flattering, and skinny fit doesn’t sound like a work appropriate style or appropriate for my body. But they fit amazingly well and come in plus sizes! (I wear an 18 but have slim calves and ankles.)

        1. Courtney*

          Yes, I just stocked up on them last week because they’ve been at very good prices for the Christmas sales!

    2. fposte*

      I think that brick and mortar is the worst place to shop for extended sizing, because the breakeven point is so high that cheaper manufacturing seems to predominate. Have you tried online at all?

    3. Windchime*

      I don’t get it, either. I’ve been wearing NYDJ ponte´-knit dress pants for work and I like the way they fit up top but they are too wide at the bottom. I have a big tummy, hips and thighs so buying “skinny” pants is out because “skinny”= indecently skin-tight on me. If I size up to get something that looks slim on bottom, they they are huge at the top.

      And don’t get me started on tops. No, I don’t want a huge, sparkly floral tent. I want a shirt that fits while also accommodating my big boobs and is long enough to cover my tummy.

    4. NaoNao*

      I think it’s because the manufacturers don’t care about how women are actually shaped once they start to move up the bell curve away from “boyish lower half with slight curves” into genuine curve territory. They don’t understand that below the navel “we” aren’t just one big round bouncy ball!
      I get frustrated because I carry extra weight in my midsection so I have to size up in pants and then there’s like, extra fabric in the legs, making walking kind of a pain if the material is stiff at all.
      My suggestions:
      Go with ponte (a fabric). Ponte is a thicker stretch material similar to leggings but much thicker and more work appropriate. The pants will stretch where they need to and drape over the rest.
      Go with plus sized retailers. They at least have some dedication to servicing larger sizes. Retailers who merely carry larger sizes often have no idea what they’re really doing.

      In all honesty, I hardly ever wear pants. I occasionally wear slim cut cropped trousers with stretch in them, but suit-cut slacks are not my friend. I had to buy a pair for an interview and hoo boy. I just feel like…if they’re too tight everyone can see *exactly* what size I am and my dimensions. And if they’re too loose, you get the dreaded tent effect. Ugh.

      Target actually has some pretty decent larger size brands, Ava and Viv is their plus sized brand, and they have some nice on-trend stuff that’s not too expensive. They go up to a size 4X. Also recommend ASOS, Eloquii, Gwynnie Bee, Dress Barn Women, Soft Surroundings, J. Jill, Chicos, and Nordstrom rack for smaller plus sizes.

    5. Cassie*

      Honestly, I just have to save up and buy investment pieces to get tailored. I haven’t found a better solution.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      Trends are in a weird place right now. Brands really jumped on the “business casual” bandwagon and they just assume that everyone is wearing a jeans or a t-shirt dress over leggings to work. There’s not really a dominant pant style/silhouette that’s trendy at the moment so I think brands don’t have anything decent to copy for the mass market.

      1. Chaordic One*

        After my first order from Lands End they’ve been deluging me with email special offers of 40 to 50% off their goods ever since and I’ve bought more pieces at very good prices.

    8. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

      Pants of all sorts are always a problem. I have maybe two pairs that aren’t hideous that aren’t jeans. A few years ago I bought a sewing machine, and although I am far from skilled I am good enough to take in seams and slim the legs down a bit. Perhaps something like this might be worth it for you?

      I think the problem is that pattern makers are doing everything with math and software and automation, and nobody is really thinking about how things fit on different bodies. They are just programmed to make garments bigger all around, which is how you get huge arm holes that are cut halfway down your side and make it impossible to lift your arm properly, or “straight leg” jeans that look like bell bottoms because they have literally cut the legs to be the same width all the way down from the hip.

      It’s counter-intuitive but I find I look slimmer and more polished in relatively close fitting stretchy trousers or jeggings and the like. I never wear anything tucked in so I don’t really care how awful they look without a top, so long as they fit OK.

    9. Artemesia*

      Ultimately if your body is not the body they design for you have to consider tailoring. A good pair of pants will last a long time and the money spent to have it tailored to fit has great pay off. Wish I had discovered this 40 years ago. I was skinny with wide hips and thin legs and so things which fit my hips were also huge on thighs and waist. Now I am old and fatter and don’t have the huge difference between waist and hips, but pants that fit my hips still are baggy in the legs.

    10. Traveling Teacher*

      If you’re thinking long-term, a plus-size friend of mine has had great success getting trousers custom made by seamstresses/couturiers/makers on Etsy (have no idea of the proper term–please advise!).

      She says it can be slightly more pricey up-front, especially because of shipping and whatnot, but she sent off detailed measurements and had quite a few exchanges online about exactly what she was looking for with fit and style, and the resulting clothes are amazing. She’s been slowly building up her wardrobe, and I’m totally jealous. (I think like 80-100 per pair of suit trousers, including worldwide shipping prices?)

      Since I’m now the proud bearer of a post-maternity bod, I’m thinking of trying the same route because none of mine fit anymore, and the frustration in fitting rooms is just awful!

  49. persimmon*

    Anyone have a mid-price phone that you like? My current IPhone 5c is having more and more issues, and while in the past I’ve gotten the second-newest IPhone, I’m considering whether I want to go a little cheaper this time. My main needs are normal phone things, internet browsing, and podcasts. I have Verizon (shared plan so not switching) and will pay in cash.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Unfortunately the phone I like is not mid-priced at all (Nexus, which is anywhere between US$650 and US$1000). The OnePlus 5T gets great reviews, though, and is only US$500.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Unfortunately the phone I like is not mid-priced at all (Pixel, which is anywhere between US$650 and US$1000). The OnePlus 5T gets great reviews, though, and is only US$500.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Sorry I thought I caught the typo before I sent it the first time. Meant to type Pixel instead of Nexus. Nexuses were actually affordable but are no longer officially sold.

    4. Ruffingit*

      I recently purchased a iPhone 6plus for my little sister and I got it from Vipoutlet.com I researched a ton and that site had the cheapest prices of anywhere I looked.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I have a 6s and I love it. It’s totally passed me by that there have been, what, three new iPhones since then?!

    5. anon24*

      I just purchased a refurbished unlocked Samsungy Galaxy s7 for $400 for my husband’s Christmas gift. I bought it straight from Samsung and it comes with a one year warranty and everything a new phone comes with. I have the s7 and I love it

    6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I have a OnePlus X which is pretty good but a few years old now. I’ve had two Moto phones (G and E) and they were both great for budget phones.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

          We are looking at getting a new phone for my mother in law and so looked up the latest Moto G5 and G4 models. They look pretty awesome for less than £150.

    7. Observer*

      Well, you need to think about how you are going to move from the iPhone universe to Android.

      I’ve had good experience with the Moto G line. Pricing is really not bad – depending on the model, you are looking at $230 – $330. It has a bigger and sharper screen than anything below the iPhone 8. It doesn’t have nfc, which is annoying if you use Apple Pay and want to switch to Android Pay.

      If you are willing to pay a bit more, I’ve heard very good things about the Moto X, and the one Lg G6 (which is pushing into higher end territory) that I’ve worked with made a positive impression.

    8. Loopy*

      I was fed up with paying so much for phones and got the Motorola G5 Plus (i think its plus?) and it has been perfect!!! I am thrilled to have found a reasonably priced phone that is comparable to the iPhones I’ve had in the past (if you don’t mind switching to android- which I don’t at all). I’m thrilled and recommend it to everyone.

    9. HannahS*

      Not sure how the Samsung S4 is priced nowadays, but mine is 2.5 years old, and I love it and have never had issues with it. Camera is decent and was one of the best phone cameras around when the S4 was new.

      1. Observer*

        You can’t get them new anymore. And they are pretty much out of support. Definitely out of updates. That’s not so great. Current mid-range phones can match the S4 and, from the better companies, they are much more likely to get security updates. Especially for someone new to Android a more current phone is worthwhile.

  50. The Other Dawn*

    If anyone cares to read my update on my back issues, just click on my name. Going for a cortisone shot in a couple weeks, and I’m really hoping I find relief. I’m fine moving around, doing PT, and exercising. It’s the sitting, standing in one spot, and sleeping. I hate that I’m in pain 10 minutes after I sit down to watch TV or something.

    In other news, I bought a new car. Actually, an SUV. First time in 12 years….and I still feel frivolous. I was able to put down a nice down payment due to my dad’s estate being settled, but my car payments are still big. I’m not happy about having car payments again, but I was starting to worry about my previous car. I know I’m not being frivolous, since I drove my last car for almost 12 years and put 170k miles on it, but I still feel like I am. (And I cannot believe how much cars have changed in 12 years–I feel like I’m in a spaceship!)

    And finally, my FIL may have cancer. Apparently they found protein in his blood, so they’re sending him for testing. They said it might be cancer. He told my husband that if it’s cancer, he doesn’t want treatment; his dad’s younger sister died of it about five or six years ago. UGH. I don’t want to go through this again. I found out my brother had cancer at almost exactly this time last year, and he died in July. Even though it’s my husband’s father, I can’t help but dredge up all the feelings I was having when I found out about my brother. My husband is pretty stoic about it and I just don’t know if I should try to talk to him, or let him come to me. It’s hard to know how he feels, because his dad wasn’t around much through the years. He was ALWAYS working. In his dad’s mind, it was his one and only job to make the money. Everything else fell to his mom. He’s miserable a lot of the time, lots of self-pity, hates the holidays, etc. Husband gets along with him just fine, but his dad can be a real PITA.

    1. Courtney*

      Are there other reasons they suspect FIL has cancer? I know it CAN indicate cancer, but there are many, many other reasons to find higher levels of protein in the blood – it’s happened to me before and ended up having a super simple explanation that was an easy fix. I’ll be hoping for the best for you guys!

      And congrats on the new SUV!

      1. fposte*

        And cancer is a million different diseases. I hope he considers that; it’d be a hell of a thing to refuse treatment for a thyroid cancer that has a 95-99% survival rate.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I completely agree. I think he’s thinking the absolute worst, which I can understand after him seeing his sister die of it. But I truly hope that if it’s cancer and it’s early stages or otherwise curable, that he will have treatment. As I said above, hes very much into self pity and has always had lots of mood swings, so it doesn’t surprise me at all that he’s saying he doesn’t want treatment. When something isn’t going right, he will keep my husband on the phone for quite awhile talking about how he should just burn the house down while he’s in it, walk away from the house and let the bank take it. Stuff like that. But when he’s in a good mood he’s a kind, funny, great guy. He basically changes his mind, and his mood, like the weather.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! I totally love it. Although I have to actually read the manual for this one!

        I was googling and I noticed, too, that it could mean lots of different things. I remember reading that it could be because of infection or inflammation, things like that. Glad your was something simple! (And it makes me feel better)

    2. Book Lover*

      Everyone has protein in the blood so I think they mean a protein spike? That can be multiple myeloma but also MGUS which for many patients never evolves beyond that.

      I’d let him go about his evaluation and let your husband process it however he needs to, especially as it might be nothing much. Recognizing life is fragile is hard never mind the underlying relationship, I think.

      Sorry about the back.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I have an M-spike, too, which is why I recently had that bone-marrow biopsy. From what they told me, a lot of older people have the M-spike. It’s only when they start exhibiting other signs/symptoms that it’s a problem. They will probably have him do a 24-hour urine to test for monoclonal protein in the urine, a skeletal survey or bone scan to see if there are any bone lesions, and a blood test to determine if his calcium is high. If those come back okay, he may not need any further testing for a while. I had the M protein in my urine, but no bone lesions or high calcium, so my new kidney specialist doesn’t even think I needed the biopsy, but at least I had it done and have some peace of mind now.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Why not just tell your husband that if he wants to talk that is fine, if he prefers to be quiet that is fine, too.

      And yeah, grief is nasty this way, we don’t finish processing one and the next one starts. In some ways the strained relationships are harder because there is the strain AND the illness. The two become interwoven and it’s very hard to untangle the strain and the illness.

      I will say every death is different. When my FIL died, we blotted our eyes and moved through the day. When my father died, we both cried. Different people and the differences in relationships with those people, provoke different response levels.

      Back: Do you have a belt to wear around your hips for support? It’s the kind you wear over clothing.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I have a back brace, which is probably the same thing. I use it when I sit at work or on longer drives. It helps keep my lumbar supported which helps a lot. But sometimes that’s not enough. According to the doc it can take up to a year for an annular tear to heal.

    4. paul*

      Good luck! I’ve had one weightlifting back injury and two crappy luck ones that all resulted in PT (and it’s still kind of gamey). For me rigorous ab work and regular stretching have done wonders but every back is different and listen to your medical professionals.

      On the FIL…yikes and good luck :(

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks!

        Yes, the plan is for me to go back to PT after the shot and work on strengthening the back and core. I’ve done some core work over the last year and a half with my trainer, but I had surgery in March and was not working out at all for about three months, and now the diagnosis on my back. When I got the results of my MRI he had me stop the new core work he had added to my home workouts. I’m adding the plank back in, as well as wall sits, but I’m a bit limited at the moment. As much as I moan about working out (I don’t think I ever will truly like it like some people), I miss how strong I felt when I was at my best. But I’ll get there again!

    5. BRR*

      I had a cortisone shot in my back not too long ago and one side effect I had was insomnia. Like being up for 40 hours straight. I just wanted to pass that along incase you have place the day after. I hope it helps!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Oh, that’s lovely! I wake up around 3am and start tossing and turning from the pain as it is. Anyway, I’m off from the work the following day, and then I’ll be going away the day after that, so hopefully I’m OK.

        1. Observer*

          Please consider a new mattress. I’ve had back problems for years, and had a really bad situation a few years ago. I was out of work for weeks because I literally could not walk across a room myself. One thing that we discovered was that my apparently perfectly good mattress was making things MUCH more difficult. Even when I started improving, I was unable to lay more than 10 minutes – until we replaced it. It was shocking how much of a difference it made.

      2. Natalie*

        Yes, my husband had that experience both times he tried the cortisone shot. Insomnia, anxiety, and just a weird off feeling. It passed in about a day.

    6. Artemesia*

      Some cancers are curable; some are treatable for decades (I know two people who lived over a decade with minor flareups of multiple myeloma before it progressed to terminal); some if treated will give you a year or two of good quality living (my best friend died of a brain tumor, but treatment gave her 18 good months including the chance to go to her son’s wedding); some with treatment may result in long remissions (a friend is just coming out of remission for stage 4 cancer, but she got 5 good quality of life years after initial treatment; some are quickly terminal and refusing treatment might in those cases be a reasonable choice. I hope your FIL gets good balanced guidance so he can make the right decision for him if the diagnosis is cancer. Kidney disease also presents with high levels of protein in the bloodstream so it might not be cancer.

  51. Ramona Flowers*

    So when my cat was shut in due to an injury, we bought a Feliway plugin which seemed to help. I thought it was still plugged in but it seems my husband took it out and put it on my desk in the office/spare room, or maybe I did and forgot.

    Anyway, I went to tidy the spare room having not been in there for a while. My cat followed me in and jumped up on the desk, which is fairly standard behaviour.

    He then picked up the Feliway plugin, and pushed it off the desk so it landed right by me. It was completely hilarious.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        One of my cats is an absolute jerk about sharing his feelings with us. He is not happy unless we are doing exactly what he wants us to be doing at any given moment. If he thinks we should be paying attention to him, or if he thinks we’ve stayed up too late and should be in bed, he acts like a total jerk. He will run over to my husband’s laptop and start biting the charging cable–while looking my husband directly in the eye as if to say, “You will rue the day you ignored me.” If biting wires doesn’t do the trick, he jumps up on the dining room table and uses his paw to knock around the HUGE (3 feet x 4 feet) painting we have hanging on the wall. Again, he looks us right in the eye when he does it. I am glad he’s a cat and not a human child, or we’d be in big trouble.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Cats are so funny like that. My cats bring me their favorite toys so I can play fetch with them. Usually while I’m in the bathroom trying to get ready for work.

      1. Bryce*

        Mine would do that too. Out of all the toys his favorite were some cheap little hard toy mice, got his hunting instincts revving, and he’d carry them to me so I could lob them across the room for him to chase.

    3. Cassie*

      My cat completely ignored that plug-in, so I’m glad to hear it actually works for someone out there. She ended up going on Valium for a while.

  52. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m proud of riding my bike to commute on Wednesday and of getting to the gym before it closed yesterday. I also managed to make social plans for today, which I’ve been falling behind on.

    I’m struggling with putting things off due to anxiety. My kitchen is a huge mess and I’m committed to clean it up before leaving the house today. I need to sign up for health insurance for next year. I have a whole bunch of other stuff I don’t even want to think about.

    How are you?

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Well done on the cycling! A messy kitchen can be stressful. I find it can help to do it in bits but sometimes you just need a big blitz.

      I’m doing well with cooking ie bothering to make food and actually enjoying trying new recipes; coping with making mistakes; and saying no to people, all of which were going terribly not so long ago.

      I’m struggling with some stuff that tends to come up around xmas but it’s not so bad this year partly thanks to the EAP therapy.

    2. NaoNao*

      I’m proud of completing NaNo and actually powering through and sending stuff to an editor. I’m also sticking to a non-drinking lifestyle and the benefits are *finally* starting to come in.
      I worked super hard to get ready for a vendor event tonight and all day tomorrow and I’m excited to show off my hard work later/tomorrow!

      Flip side is my editor’s notes on my first 20 pages are kind of…making me second guess all my writing (she’s very tactful and professional and warned me that the first 50 pages are the hardest, but she has concerns about the structure that are making me very nervous) so I’m going to have to tell her “uh….let’s wait until I complete the first draft because you’re making me want to quit writing entirely!”

      1. Allypopx*

        The first draft of nano is rarely good! Don’t second guess your writing. Have you thought about doing a round of your own revisions and then sending a more polished piece to an editor instead of your nano draft?

      2. Quiet lurker*

        May I ask how you found an editor so quickly after finishing NaNo? Getting feedback like that from a query is amazing!

    3. Anon for this*

      I was having a great week, had a counselling session, told her I felt like I was in a great place and then I failed an exam and had a pretty rubbish end to the week.
      My coursemates were actually really supportive which helped but I was relying on having several days off next week to sort things out at home (like a really messy kitchen) and that is no longer happening.
      Trying to look at the positives and I’ve made sure I’ve done a few things for me this week which has helped.

    4. Effie, who is worth it*

      I’ve been up and down this week. I ran into the guy who broke up with me last week this week (I knew we would eventually as our social activities have some overlap; I just didn’t think it’d be that soon) and it was okay until he pointedly said hi to me when he was on his way out. Ugh. It’s going to get better! Just need more time.

      I have the best girlfriends ever though, and I reconnected with some guy friends at the social activity that night with the other guy so it wasn’t just a horrible awkward night.

      And I just discovered this lovely cover of “dancing on my own” which makes me soo happy and it’s more girly loving friendships :) :) :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyDUmqEPhnY

      So all in all things could be worse!

    5. Red*

      Well done on the exercise and social plans!!

      I don’t want to speak too soon here, but I think I may actually be stable for the first time in a year or so. It’s so f’ing GOOD. I’m not depressed, I’m not manic, I’m just balanced and sometimes happy. Meds are an amazing thing.

    6. Natalie*

      Well, I just started Prozac this weekend, so we’ll see how that goes. I tend to get pretty down starting in November, and extremely tired and unmotivated as a part of that, which lasts until March when the sun comes back.

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I thought I was ok but then I really hit the skids last night. We went to a show for a band I had been wanting to see for years (have seen them twice before) and… I just wasn’t feeling it. I wasn’t feeling it going to the show and then once there I wasn’t up for a night of being jostled and shoved aside in a type of crowd I have been in before and never really enjoyed. I get it, its a show, but it just wasn’t any fun. So we left after the second song and called it a night and I feel rather empty about it all? Like it didn’t even happen? I dont know. I used to love going to stuff like this and now in the last six months I’m over going out like this. To be fair this was the sixth concert in 4 weeks but maybe its time I shift down to some smaller venues and newer acts.

      Feeling so very bored with everything and I just can’t get excited about Christmas. Nothing is exciting and while work has been a pile of suck for the last month (so low on actual work that I found myself work from home a few times feeling that unemployed boredom!) but should hopefully change as I moved to a new team/project last week and so far I have found everyone a bit more my speed (and a more interesting project too). I feel like all I do is get up, go to work, go to gym, go home, do chores, feed cats, go to bed.

      Its probably time to find new activities/groups to join to find some new people to hang out with. And maybe find a new job in the spring, we will see. Just hate being in the dumps!

    8. Shrunken Hippo*

      I’m feeling pretty good this week. I’ve been reading my Bible and journaling everyday, I have baked and tried new recipes a few times this week, and I have made plans to see friends and family this month with no feelings of dread.

      I did end up feeling a bit put out when some of my new recipe attempts didn’t turn out quite right, but they all tasted really good! Now I know what I did wrong so next time I try they should look as good as they taste.

      I’m also proud of myself for applying for a job and following up without stuttering or feeling like I made a fool of myself. Granted part of that was because I already know the person who is doing the hiring, but it is still a really big step for me as I usually get extremely nervous and tongue tied.

      Yesterday also marked the day I finished my 125th book of the year! I feel accomplished even though I know that I was only able to do it because I have been unemployed most of the year. It’s nice to have a marker of some things I have completed. Now I have to work on filling up an entire journal by the end of the year!

      I’m praying that this week ends up being as good or better than last week.

    9. Mimmy*

      This week was not good :( Things were extra stressful at work, and I lost my temper with a coworker, the woman with whom I work most closely. I reached out to her the next day to apologize, and she sent back a nice note, so we are all good.

      Just feeling overwhelmed with…life.

      What am I proud of? That I was able to go into NYC by myself to meet up with friends/former classmates and that I didn’t have a meltdown when one friend and I couldn’t find each other for probably a good 45 minutes when I first arrived (she was meeting me at the train station).

    10. Anon4This*

      Sticking with Anon4This for now

      How am I doing? Not good, not terrible. Still having trouble getting up out of bed on weekends, especially Sundays. Need something to do. Havent moved forward on the kids situation because of the dogs situation. But this is not how I imagined my life in my 50s to be. Kitchen’s a wreck and house hasnt changed much since ex moved out. Meant to get out and rake this weekend (lovely weekend) but lost time and had events going on and just frustrated. Also, every time I eat, I fall asleep. Tempted to give up eating.

  53. Allypopx*

    My dog bit me last Friday. It ended in an ER visit, a lot of antibiotics, and limited use of my dominant hand. So I’ve been in a fair amount of pain and have had trouble completing basic tasks. This has led to some wariness between me and the dog (that I’ve needed to push through so I can reestablish my dominance as a caregiver, and so she doesn’t feel on edge). It’s also making me depressed because everything is hard for me right now.

    I had a really positive doctor’s appointment. I’m psychiatrically in a better place (not perfect but much more workable). I told my doctor I wanted to focus on losing weight next and he said that’s fine, goals are good, but also suggested that I’m perfectly healthy right now (besides being heavy) and that should I take some time to just appreciate the progress I’ve made. I love my doctor. Especially since I got a very different message from a specialist who wanted me to lose a lot of weight really quickly.

    So a little of column A, little of column B, but overall I feel good this week.

    2. Anion*

      Oh no! How awful! I’d ask if you were okay, but it seems like you’re not really, at least not for a while.

      What did the trainer say/do?

      (Sorry, I’ve just never known anyone who worked with a trainer/behavioralist before, so I’m curious about the process.)

  54. Cassie*

    I am so fed up with my husband being difficult about giving me a Christmas list for the family. No, I can’t ask my mom to do hours of research to buy you specialized guitar effects. No, you can’t just throw your hands in the air then and ask for them to wrap you some grass seed and PVC pipe to work on the house. JFC you snowflake pain my in ass.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Yeah, he just needs to deal with it. For a long time, I would refuse to give my parents a Christmas list, because I genuinely didn’t want them to get me anything, but they would still insist on getting me something anyway, so I just put together a list of things I don’t really want but would rather get than some random thing I definitely don’t want.

    2. Temperance*

      Would your mom pick up a gift card and call it good? I mean, he’s being a butt for no reason, lol. I’m admittedly also weird about gifts because I don’t want anything, so I’ll do the opposite and name something relatively cheap that I like.

    3. Jersey's mom*

      Been there.

      Books, dvds, gift certificates to favorite stores or restaurants/coffee shops, subscription to special interest magazines. If he’s a car guy, then a box of car stuff (rain-x, turtlewax, wipers, snow brushes, etc). Sometimes the gift card goes over better with a little gift- ie, for a garden shop, buy a trowel to go with the gift card.

      Good luck.

    4. tigerStripes*

      Maybe grass seed with a big bow on it? I wouldn’t be willing to wrap it, but if it wasn’t heavy and difficult to transport, I would probably be OK with buying it.

    7. Girasol*

      Our problem stopped when I took the hint from husband and father. They didn’t want to get anything because they didn’t want to have to do holiday shopping to give anything. It seemed wrong to give up that tradition at first, but gifting has become so tied to marketing and materialism lately that I’m glad we escaped. We decorate, feast, travel, and send Christmas cards but no gifts.

      1. tigerStripes*

        In my family, we just give gifts to the kids, which is usually much easier than figuring out what to give to the adults.

    1. Annie Mouse*

      Worst: have to resit an exam which has messed up the entire next month or so for me

      Best: I’ve gained a really good group of friends in the last few months in various parts of my life, and I’m feeling really happy with that side of things, more so than for a long time.

    2. Athena*

      Best: I found out I’m 50% through my degree which means I can apply for a work study semester abroad! Yay!
      Worst: family dramas, listed below, plus uni being a pain. I feel like I’m chasing my tail with uni.

    3. Ramona Flowers*

      Best: I have paid off a big chunk of debt in the past year. I rang the debt charity Stepchange and explained that I had called in summer 2016 when I was suicidal over debt problems and they had helped me work out a budget, things are much better and I was just calling to say thanks and that they were amazing. And the call handler said: “Actually it sounds like it’s you who’s amazing.” That was really nice. Going to post more on this below.

      Worst: my repeat prescription failed to reach the chemist who therefore didn’t order my medication (it’s one few chemists keep in stock). I had a weird hunch and called instead of just going in to get it. It took about five phone calls (to the chemist, GP surgery etc) and a lot of stress before it was sorted.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      WORST: TaxScamBill is making me feel like the universe has gone from simply c*ckblocking my efforts to make my life better and spread it around to the entire country, while giggling with uncontained glee.

      People who apparently only follow me to get a follow back and don’t engage with my tweets at all don’t deserve my love. >:P

      BEST: I literally have nothing.

    5. Stardust and northern lights*

      Best: loving my new iPhone SE. upgraded from a 4s.

      Worst: December is an expensive month.

    6. Fiennes*

      Best: planning my upcoming trip to NYC with my partner. We both lived there long ago & are looking forward to showing each other our old haunts.

      Worst: I’m in Latin America on a business trip and am 90% certain I am getting sick. Tomorrow I’ll either be fine or very, very miserable.

    7. Ruffingit*

      Worst: Super busy and just feel like I can’t get a grip on getting things done.

      Best: Some new adventures coming down the pike that I’m excited about!

    8. Liane*

      Worst: Some money my husband has coming in was delayed.

      Best: Spent the day doing Really Fun Holiday Stuff with College Son. Church had “Hanging of the Greens” (decorating) this morning, after breakfast (“Eating of the Waffles” and eggs and sausage) provided by one of the men. This afternoon we marched in the holiday parade with the 501st & Rebel Legions. He was a Jedi & I was an X-wing pilot and both of us were bedecked with garlands, Santa hats, &/or lights. And there were people in our group with way more decorations, believe it or not.

  56. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    I’m late on this, but I’ve been just bored with life lately, and want a new hobby or activity. I work out and have started yoga and language lessons on Duolingo, but I just want something really different to do!

    Trouble is, my ideas so far are both dangerous and expensive. Clay target shooting? Skydiving? Archery? Not the easiest or safest things, plus they’re outdoors and I am about to be in the grip of a Midwestern winter.

    What’s cheap, can be done at a gym or public place or home, and has a low cost to start that’s NOT:

    Cooking (baking ok, but I suck at stove cooking)
    Writing (I do that already)
    Art (no talent for drawing)
    Knitting/sewing/crochet (I’m left handed and have tried to learn, it’s nearly impossible) or
    Computer games (I do that too much).

    1. Cassie*

      If you’re into video games, what about learning coding? There are lots of free resources out there, and if you’re a beginner you can use the kid-centric tutorials and tools if you feel you need to start very basic.

    2. Overeducated*

      Adult gymnastics, acrobatics, rock climbing, contradance, or swing dance maybe? Indoor, active, and social, and the dancing ones can be free or pretty cheap. Rock climbing costs a bit more and acrobatics (which I have not tried myself) sounds like the kind of thing that might be as well.

      1. Effie, who is worth it*

        Acro yoga is awesome for adults too! It’s a very collaborative and friendly environment. Check your local meetup groups (which tend to be less expensive as well)! NB if you don’t like touching other people, this is not for you – you may like contra dance better for light socialization/exercise.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      I have a ….paid part-time weekend hangout at a boutique coffee company, but not as a barista. They can’t afford to bring me on full-time but I like the company and I like being part of the roasting/sales/marketing teams. I go in for a few hours on Saturdays and hang out with the coffee. I can’t see myself leaving even though I don’t strictly need the extra cash. I just love spending time there and participating in the processes. Maybe not what you’d call a hobby but I look forward to it all week. Do you garden? Is there a plant nursery nearby that could use weekend help? There are a lot of hands-on businesses that would love to bring in someone who only wanted 6 hours a week on a weekend day.

      Sorry if this is too work-related but my part-time gig really is my hobby!

    4. Lily Evans*

      Is there a circus school near you? I’ve been taking aerial silks classes and I love it, but there’s other options through circus schools to pursue too! Their classes generally aren’t the cheapest, but they also don’t involve having to buy equipment, so the class fee is the total cost.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        My friend does trapieze and I’m so envious -but way too clumsy and scared of heights so I’ll stick to spectating.

    5. Temperance*

      I’m an avid comic book reader. Do you have any interest in comics? I’ve been more or less couchbound for the past few weeks, so I’ve been reading a ton.

      Also, not sure where you are, but there might be some indoor archery places near you!

    7. Luisa in Dallas*

      Genealogy is a great “indoor” hobby for the winter, especially if you are the kind of person who enjoys research. Start with yourself and go backwards in time! It’s not just collecting names of dead ancestors, though. You end up improving your knowledge of history and geography, and, if you like, there’s the bonus of connecting with relatives and other researchers. Although you can spend a lot on subscription sites like Ancestry, you can do plenty for free on FamilySearch.org and many other free sites.

    8. soupmonger*

      I’m left-handed and don’t understand why sewing and needle crafts are so difficult for you to learn. I’ve done crochet since I was eight and taught myself patchwork and quilting. It’s really not hard.

      1. TL -*

        I’m right-handed and sewing and crocheting are near-impossible. I have neither spatial-relation skills nor patience, which I’m sure I could overcome if I wanted to. But…nah. :)

        1. Red Reader*

          Haha, I have no spatial relations skills or patience and I’ve been knitting for 15 years and crocheting for 30 :)

      2. Temperance*

        My mother and grandmother are avid fans of crochet. I hate it. I’m right-handed, and could never quite get the hang of it.

    9. things to do*

      I joined a choir, it is so much fun. Obviously it has to be the right choir for you, but it provided a nice change from my more athletic endeavors and it is social. Also, winter sports depending on where you are – ice skating, snow shoeing and/or skiing if you’re somewhere with snow.

    10. KatieKate*

      Oh gosh, are you me? I’ve been struggling with the same thing! (and yoga and duolingo are my current hobbies too!)

      I’ve just gotten into cross stitch! I go off of a kit (found on etsy) and made a cute “Homo Sweet Homo” sampler for my apartment! Next is one that says “Feminist AF”

      Might be easier than other yarn crafts because you just make “x”s

    11. paul*

      Clay shooting isn’t bad cost wise; get a basic mossberg 500 (bantam 20 gauge might be good if you’re smaller statured–I got one after shoulder surgery made my 12 gauge too much). Cost a bit under 300.

      Gotta be honest though, even after several attempts I am *hilariously* bad at it.

      Could also do an entirely different type of work out. If you usually do cardio and yoga, add in weights. If you do machines, add in barbells (or vice versa). If you usually do a treadmill, try a rower.

      Reading non-fiction is fun; I’m making may way through an introductory book on evolution (The Tangled Bank).

      Snowshoeing is fun too, I miss doing that. And it’s less crash prone than skiing. Physically exhausting though.

      Ice fishing looks like fun, if you have lakes.

      1. nonegiven*

        I’m hilariously bad but it’s still fun, except the outdoors part. I have an Ithaca model 37 made in the 40s.

        1. paul*

          I miss the old Ithaca’s. New ones are pretty pricey, and I don’t trust the newer manufactured Remington 870s–too many QC issues.

    12. nonegiven*

      I was taught my first knit stitch by a lefty.

      Is there an indoor rock climbing place available? Karate, aikido, Tae kwon do, tai chi?

      I think shooting clays is always outdoors but there are indoor pistol shooting and archery ranges. Laser tag?

    13. HannahS*

      Join a choir, volunteer at a museum (when I did that, they asked me for two days a month so it wasn’t arduous and I got to dress up like a Victorian lady), join/start a book club, take up cross-country skiing (expensive initially, though), commit to watching a documentary or two on a subject and then take yourself on a field trip (like, watch a bunch of animal documentaries and then go to the zoo, or a bunch of astronomy ones and then go to an observatory), take up photography (I know it’s expensive when you get serious, but getting a “photography for dummies” book and learning about composition with your cell camera might still be fun), take up tai chi.

    14. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      If I remember correctly you are in the MSP area – you could go try Scandinavian Floorball – aka Innebandy. Two pretty active groups in the area, check them out on Facebook. Good people but essentially you show up at a gym in non-marking shoes, someone shows up with a bag of gear, you pay $4 a session and then run around for an hour and a half or so in two teams that are a mix of good/bad, men/women, Americans/foreigners. They do put a competitive team together, but its really more like pickup basketball. With sticks. Sometimes the go out for a drink after, but doesn’t have to be massively social or a major commitment either.

    15. Loopy*

      When I was in this place I took up volunteering with something way different than my work. I volunteer at a zoo-type place (not quite a traditional zoo, but had wild rescue animals) and it’s been a refreshing change of pace every week.

      I highly recommend it because you meet new people and can get new skills- for free while doing some good.

    16. boris*

      Check out local archery clubs: ours shoots indoors between October and March. It’s expensive to start, unless you can find a club that will let you hire a bow etc for a while.

      1. Mrs. Fenris*

        My son did competitive archery for about 4 years. It’s a really cool sport and I kind of hope he takes it back up as a hobby now that he’s older.

    17. Chaordic One*

      Bird watching?

      Where I used to live there was a hiking group that used “meet-up”. They only went on easy hikes and most of them only lasted for a couple of hours.

      Volunteering at the local animal shelter. (They always seemed to want dog walkers and for some strange reason the dog walkers seemed to end up adopting the walkees. Consider yourself warned.)

    18. LazyGirl*

      If you’re in the twin cities (I think you may be?) and you enjoy singing, check out mnfasola.

      The twin cities group is most definitely queer *and* novice friendly.

    19. Mrs. Fenris*

      This may sound crazy, but what about martial arts? I did karate for 5 years. I am the spazziest spaz ever and I’m so self conscious when I’m doing anything physical that I refuse to do group classes at gyms. Turns out that pretty much anyone can learn punches, kicks, and forms. It’s incredibly fun, and it will get you in better shape than you ever imagined, make you feel like a total badass, and let you meet a variety of people. People don’t get injured nearly as much as you would think. Most dojos will let you do a couple of trial classes before you commit, but once you do, they generally make you sign a contract similar to the ones they have at gyms.

      1. nonegiven*

        As a lifelong clumsy person, martial arts helped my focus so much, I was probably injured less often while I was training.

  57. Nacho*

    I’m in the middle of buying a condo right now, and my mom’s being way too controlling about it. She’s putting 35k towards it, and her father’s putting another 65k, and she feels that gives her the right to basically pick the place for me.

    Any time i find someplace I like, she says it’s “in a bad neighborhood”, or that “it has high crime rates”. How do I make her understand that I don’t have the money to afford a place in a good neighborhood with low crime rates, even with her contributions? Whenever I bring it up, she just tells me that this is her investment too, so she has a say in it, or that I could live at home for a while longer while I find something that meets her standards and my price range (which doesn’t exist). My dad’s not being as bad, but he’s not exactly standing up to her either.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Yeah, I’d be thinking this too. Is there a pressing reason why you have to buy now?

    2. Book Lover*

      Well, unfortunately she is kind of right. She is putting in a lot of money, so it is her investment too. The problem with accepting money is that it has strings attached. You can either accept that or choose not to buy :(

          1. Book Lover*

            Sorry, perhaps that wasn’t a helpful response.

            The thing is, you are looking at it as a gift free and clear, the way it will be on your taxes. Perhaps there are families like that, but more commonly, money is speech. If your mother is going to give you money for a new place, she gets to give it to you or withhold it, and that means that you are stuck with her input.

            If it were truly a gift, she would give you a check now and then only politely occasionally check in with you about your search. Perhaps you can see that happening, but that is not the situation you are describing.

            If you don’t want your mother to have input on what you buy, then you need to tell her that you appreciate her offer but you don’t need her money. I recognize you do need her money, but you are also saying that if you buy what she wants, you are back to it being unaffordable. Sounds like time to reconsider your options or have a financial discussion with her including discussion of how the new tax bill is going to affect your ability to afford anything. You could also sit back and see if prices drop due to the new tax bill but in your location that seems unlikely.

            1. TL -*

              My grandma is helping support me through grad school – she gives me X/month and doesn’t question how I spend it. Could be housing, could be strip clubs – as long as I call her somewhat regularly and she can afford it, she’s going to support me.

              My parents are helping pay for my internship in Sydney over the summer and their gift came with strings. They are way more involved in my finances than they’ve ever been. They want their money spent in a responsible manner- responsible by their value system, not mine. I have to respect that* or find a different income stream.

              I don’t get to complain about either approach – Grandma has gifted me money frequently and in return only wants me to be a granddaughter, but I’m not entitled to any of it, with or without strings.

              *they are extremely reasonable and transparent, it’s just irksome to be lectured on budgeting after being financially independent for years. :P

    3. all aboard the anon train*

      You may not like this answer, but it is her investment and she does have a say in it because she’s giving you quite a lot of money. If I was giving someone 35K for an investment in real estate, I’d want some say in how my money was spent, too.

      Is there a reason you need to buy a place instead of renting? Because it sounds like you’d be better off waiting until you can buy a place without anyone else’s money.

      1. Nacho*

        I’ll never be able to buy a place without anybody’s money. I live in Seattle, where rent is high and housing prices go up by about 8-10% a year. If I were renting, I’d barely be able to save anything, and the price of housing would rise faster than my savings. It’s now or never.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          I get it. I live in Boston, where an average studio condo goes for $350-400K. I’ll never be able to afford it on my own, but if my family was putting in 100K for a down payment, I expect they’d have something to say about what I bought. That type of money is not a gift without stipulations.

          I think if you expect her to give you that money, you have to make some concessions or have a good, long talk about a compromise. If you can’t buy a place without help, you might seriously need to think about renting or staying in your family’s house. It doesn’t seem like that money is coming for free, and honestly, I’m a little surprised you’re surprised that your mother wants some say in how her money is spent.

        2. Dan*

          That mentality is going to set you up for the potential for some very bad decision making.

          Despite what society says, (or what’s more true in middle America) you don’t need to own a home to have “made it”.

          Besides, condos are no financial panacea. They can be a real financial pain, and you need to make sure you’re in a position to deal with it if it happens. I wouldn’t buy a condo (or anything for that matter) if it stretched me too thin financially.

          Signed,

          Somebody who lives in an HCOL area, and probably won’t have a down payment for housing until I’m 45. I’m 38 now, and have been renting for almost a decade. It scares me to think that I’ve paid about $130k in rent to the same landlord.

          1. Lady Jay*

            Rent really racks up fast. Your post made me curious about how much I’ve paid out in rent over the seven years I’ve lived in this apartment building. I’m in a LCOL area but can’t afford a house (job doesn’t pay enough). Did the math and I’ve paid $52,000: nearly a year’s salary twice over!

            1. Natalie*

              Although it’s not like houses aren’t a money pit either – I mentioned downthread that we just dropped thousands on an unexpected furnace replacement. The old furnace wasn’t especially old, so it’s not like we’ll see any kind of gain in the value of our home or reduction in our utility bills. That’s half a year’s rent at the apartment I lived in before we bought this house.

              1. Lady Jay*

                Oh, totally! Housing is just expensive in general. Even in LCOL area, for a nice rental place, I pay around 30% of my salary (not including utilities). One of the reasons I can’t afford a house right now is that I can’t afford sudden out-of-pocket repairs.

              2. TL -*

                Yeah, buying a house generally doesn’t get you a return on investment until 5-7 years, plus you can have a streak of bad luck that in a rental situation would be annoying and inconvenient, but in a housing situation could be debilitatingly expensive.

                It isn’t always the wisest financial choice to buy, even in a place where rent is really high. With renting, you’re paying for stability in your budgeting, short- and long-term (if you have a lease and have decent notice periods) and that can be a wise choice to make. With housing, you’re paying for stability and permanence in your location.

                1. Natalie*

                  I’d even say forget the return, regardless of how long you plan you live someplace. Houses are not actually great investments vehicles for most people once you factor in all of the costs, and thinking that way gets people and society in trouble. People should buy because if it makes financial sense vs renting *and* they want to own their home.

            1. TL -*

              Most people would like to save a bunch of money in rent, but that’s a nicety, not a necessity. Part of the trade-off of living in a HCOL area like Seattle, DC, Boston, NYC or SanFran is that buying a house is a much bigger financial undertaking and you might have to rent for longer than you would like. Or you may not ever be able to buy.

              That sucks, but nobody’s got a right to save money on rent.

              1. nacho*

                I’m not talking about rights, I’m asking how to convince my mother that the places she wants me to buy are either too expensive for me or too small/far away from my job (or both) for my preferences.

                1. Natalie*

                  I think TL is addressing that point – they’re talking about moral rights, not legal ones. One option you have is to decide not to take your mother’s money, which means you don’t have to convince her of shit.

                  You seem pretty set on your particular plan, and that’s fine if you are, but when you ask an open forum a pretty broad advice question, you’re going to get a lot of varying suggestions.

                2. TL -*

                  Ultimately, the 35k is her money and she has the right to spend it according to her values. If your values and her values don’t line up, your choices are to go without her money or buy a place she likes. That’s a reasonable thing for her to do; she’s being upfront about her expectations before the money is spent so you can make your decision.

    4. fposte*

      This is a pretty confusing arrangement, I think. Are you putting money down as well? And how are the finances going to work on the costs–are you going to be able to cover the mortgage, taxes, and insurance on your own? Whose name will be on the title and whose name will be on the mortgage? Right now it sounds like this is you and your family buying property together, not you buying a condo, so it makes sense that they have input into the property. If that wasn’t what you’d hoped, I’m afraid I agree with other people that buying with your parents might not be a good plan right now.

      1. Nacho*

        I’m putting down the lion’s share of the money, around $150-175k if she has her way, closer to $100-120 if I have mine (housing is super expensive here). My name’s on everything since the money was supposed to be a gift. I can cover the mortgage, taxes, and insurance on my own if, and only if, she doesn’t force me to spend too much. Otherwise I can’t, which is exactly my problem.

        1. fposte*

          Wait, but you’re talking about places that list at $275,000–why do you need $175,000 from you and $100,000 from your mother and grandfather for a down payment?

        2. TL -*

          You’ll be putting down more than 50%? + what your family is contributing?

          That’s highly unusual for a home – do you mean you’ll be taking out a mortgage? If not, is there a reason you don’t want to take out a mortgage?

          It is her 35k, not yours, and unfortunately, if you can’t afford to buy without it, it looks like you can’t afford to buy in Seattle.

          1. fposte*

            Yes, I was puzzled because there’s talk of a mortgage but the money seems to be the full list price. Nacho, if you’re looking at $275k list prices you should be able to do fine with your $100k as a down payment and no help from your family. If it’s because your credit isn’t sufficient, your name may not be able to be on the mortgage, either.

            Just a thought in case you haven’t–have you met with a loan officer on your own to see what they’d approve you for just with your own funds? They’re usually happy to do that for no charge.

          2. Natalie*

            Median home prices in Seattle are over $700K so they might not be putting quite that high of a percentage down, but it does seem like it’s more than 20%? In which case I’d say with interest rates what they are now, I don’t personally see an advantage to putting more down. Plus you want liquid cash available after the purchase – something *will* come up, it always does! We’ve owned our home just a little over 2 years and just dropped 5 grand replacing the furnace unexpectedly.

            1. TL -*

              Nacho says upthread she’s looking for places that are $275K (or that’s what her mom is pushing for.) (so presumably a condo, not a house?)

              Either way, there are plenty of people who rent their whole lives and never own. It may not be what you want, but there’s nothing wrong with it, and if you can’t afford a house in Seattle, your options are to live with family, move to a LCOL (or at least lower) and buy, or rent. You don’t get a say in how your mother spends her money, even if she’s spending it on you.

              1. Natalie*

                Ah, right. In that case I wonder if they mean they would be putting in $100K in the form of the mortgage payments?

                If it’s not that, and they have $100K liquid for a down payment, it seems like buying a condo on their own with 20% down is completely within reach. And would be the financially more prudent decision than putting so much into the downpayment.

                All of that said, I totally agree with you that it’s perfectly fine to keep renting. Particularly in HCOL places, it’s going to be far more the norm than the alternative.

              2. Dan*

                Yeah, that could be me. Life + student loans + HCOL area + family with no money means I’m completely on my own. I’m actually quite fine with that, but it does mean I’ll either rent forever or have to wait until I’m 45 to buy a place.

            2. blackcat*

              In my first 2 years of homeownership, I had to…
              1) replace the washer, dryer, and fridge
              2) replace a sill plate (this involves lifting the house on jacks, it is not cheap)
              3) Deal with the damage from not one but two trees landing on the house. Both managed to cause damage right below my insurance deductible (1k). Then I forked over the $$ for tree trimming ($3k).

              You really, really ought to have sufficient liquid assets when buying a home.

              I totally get how hard it is to buy in high COL areas. I live in the Boston area. My husband makes good money now, but we bought with family money because he didn’t make a lot when we first moved here. The difference is our family money didn’t come with strings (other than repayment terms, since it was loans not gifts). It helped that our parents basically approved of what we bought, but that happened on its own.

              If you feel like you *have* to use family money and you *have* to buy, use actual statistics to make arguments about the safety of neighborhoods. Some people think I live in a “rough” part of my suburb. The most serious crime that has happened while I lived here involved some kids “breaking in” to all of the *unlocked* cars and stealing our change. The perception is entirely based on the fact that my neighborhood is 50% black. But that perception means my house costs 20% or so less than equivalent homes just 1/2 of a mile away.

                1. blackcat*

                  And in the degree of segregation. My neighborhood is actually super popular with interracial families precisely because it’s so mixed. A weird side effect of that is that it has a ton of same-sex couples. Same-sex couples are more likely to adopt kids of different races, and a lot of folks have the sense to move into a neighborhood where the other kids look like their kids.

                  And while Boston does seem to be the most racist place I have lived, the “safe” vs “unsafe” neighborhoods just meaning “largely white” vs “largely black/hispanic” has been pretty universal (it does seem, in passing these judgements, that Asian people never matter). I definitely saw it in California, and in the southern city where I lived for a while. It’s more extreme here, but the same sort of thing.

                2. TL -*

                  Oh no, I lived in Quincy and we got all kinds of shade because it’s hugely Asian immigrant in the north side of town.
                  Perfectly safe and I loved it but yeah. People’s reactions were very telling.

            2. fposte*

              Then I’m afraid this really is real estate being bought in partnership–your mother and grandfather’s money is covering not just part of the down payment but a substantial part of the actual cost of the property.

              I realize there may be reasons, ranging from the amount of money a bank is willing to lend you to the amount of mortgage payment you can swing, behind this decision, but if you haven’t, I really encourage you to talk to various lenders to explore possibilities such as FHA loans that might allow you to find something that you can carry on your own, or at least with a lot less family investment both financial and emotional. Natalie knows this area better than I do, so she may have more specific suggestions.

            3. Natalie*

              Sorry, I don’t mean to push the point, but I’m still unclear about how expensive of a house you are buying and thus what percentage you’re putting down. When you say you are taking a mortgage out “for most of the money”, do you mean you are taking out a $175K mortgage for a $275K home, or that you are taking out a $500K mortgage for a $700K home?

              Either way, in each situation it sounds like you’re trying to put more than 20% down. Can you explain why you’re doing that? It doesn’t really make a lot of sense, and if you can live with 20% it sounds like you can dispense with your mother’s money and thus her advice.

              1. fposte*

                Yeah, the $275k doesn’t seem an easily understandable number to me if we’re talking a down payment–even with a 20% down loan that’s over a million, and while Seattle is expensive there’s still stuff well below that in decent neighborhoods. Even in San Francisco you can get away well under a million for a starter condo.

                Sorry, Nacho, this probably isn’t a road you intended to go down, but I think some of us are wondering if there’s a solution in taking a different approach to the loan rather than in a parental battle.

                1. TL -*

                  I’m wondering if her mother/grandfather are committing to paying 35K or 65K of the mortgage? But that doesn’t really make sense either, because over a 30 year mortgage you generally end up paying more than the house’s value in interest. (Can be up to 2-3x more, depending on interest rates.)

                  Perhaps mortgage is much smaller than the 275K place for the house, so she needs a large down payment to make up the difference? That’s a little concerning, though, because house ownership is really expensive.
                  Renting with a lease is the more stable financial commitment if you’ve got very little wiggle room in your budget – no unexpected $3000 bills if the pipes break/the bathroom floods/the furnace stops working in February.

        3. Ruffingit*

          End of the day this is basic math. You can only afford what you can afford. Frankly, I’d say you should buy what you can afford on your own, which might mean stretching out the mortgage longer or a higher monthly payment or whatever, then rent out s room in your home to help with paying the mortgage.

          Do this without your mother’s help because it sounds like it will be a total nightmare if you accept her money.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      The person with the purse strings controls the situation. Look at insurance, they tell us what they will and will not pay for. And we see it again in workplaces and so on.
      My main concern here is that you don’t end up buying something that you can not support. You aren’t wrong in telling your folks that you do not have the income to sustain an expensive place. I would definitely stand up for myself and tell my folks that this just was not doable for me. And I would not engage in debate over that.

    6. Becca*

      For my wedding, when my father began to make demands and threatened his input, we told him he needed to give us the money up-front (which didn’t end up going according to plan, but that’s another story) or we’d proceed without it—and without any input from him. If your mom is making demands that you aren’t comfortable meeting and there’s no way to put the power back into your hands by just having the money yourself, you just have to take her at her word.

      If you wanted to try to convince her that you do in fact know what you’re talking, you could try bringing in professionals who can back you up. A financial planner, actual crime rate statistics from the police departments, etc. But since your grandfather doesn’t seem to be pulling the same tactics as your mom, it might be best to wait it out until you can afford something with his contribution+yours alone. Good luck!

      1. Natalie*

        The thing with a mortgage is that you can’t just do that – if you’ve received the money recently the bank requires a bunch of paperwork to prove that you didn’t acquire it illegally or through a second loan. I received gift money for part of my downpayment and was advised to have it wired directly to the bank at the time that we actually finalized the loan.

    7. nonegiven*

      Can you find actual maps of crime rates in different neighborhoods? Just looking like a bad neighborhood doesn’t mean it is.

      1. nacho*

        That was a good idea. Turns out the “bad crime rate” area our realtor told us about actually has a lower crime rate than the rest of the city. Coincidentally, it also happens to be cheaper than the area we were looking at at the time.

        I don’t know if I trust her very much anymore.

  58. Cats-R-us*

    Question for the pet owners: I am wondering what you have found to help reduce cat litter that spreads across the tire house? So far I have tried putting a mat in front of the cat litter box that supposed to kind of catch Litter as they exit. But I still find little bits strewn about the entire house. I’m trying to figure out what to do about it. I love my two fur babies but I am getting really grossed out by how much cat litter gets across from one end of the house to the other end of the house. I’ve considered getting some sort of Roomba vacuum but what if one of the cats threw up the vacuum with just me or the whole house so I’m not sure if that would work for us or maybe just schedule it always run after I’ve already gone. Anyone have any other ideas you use to really make a big difference? Maybe what type of cat litter brand? Or should I look for a cat box that the cat has to enter from the top of the box go down and anything else that I’m just not thinking about that maybe works in your house?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I have 11 cats and I haven’t found anything that eliminates that. I’m guessing you could get the litter box you’re talking about, but you need to make sure your cats can actually get into it easily, or they’re not going to use it. I Googled a few just now and it looks like they have to jump up to the top of it to get in. If your cats have arthritis or anything else that would make it hard for them to get up, then I’d suggest adding a small stepping stool or something so they can walk up and into it. But then they need to be able to get out of it.

    2. Cassie*

      I emphatically do NOT recommend the covered cat boxes if you have any power dynamics within your cat family. If any of the cats bullies or controls other cats, they can use the shielding of the litter box to sneak up on the cat doing her business. A cat who gets bullied in the litter box is a cat who hides behind the couch to pee.

      I just keep a hand-held shop vac in the closet near the litter, and vacuum daily.

      1. Cats-R-us*

        Thanks, Cassie. I’ve got a covered cat litter box and the kitties are both neutered (we have not had issues with bullying in the litter box). Have you tried Feliway spray or a plug-in? It’s pricey but it did work to help reduce cat anxiety/behaviors (heard about it from the vet).

        I’ll up my vacuum and cleaning schedule. I currently sweep or vacuum around the litter box daily and then the rest of the places that the litter spreads to hallway, dining room, kitchen, and living room areas is more like 1-2x per week. More often ends up being once a week but I probably need to up the frequency.

    3. Hope*

      We use the Breeze litter system which has nearly eliminated the problem of cat litter being tracked around the house. The litter is pellets, not tiny granules, so they’re far more difficult to track. I also love that you just change the pee pad underneath the pellets instead of scooping litter. Check it out if you’re not familiar with it – it is AWESOME if your cat can get used to it.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        I much prefer the Breeze system to clumping clay litter, and have used it for our two cats for years, but the pellets still get kicked out. And they HURT to step on. Like, on a scale from soft grass to LEGO, they’re an 8 or 9. So sweeping or vacuuming is still important.

    4. Lcsa99*

      What kind of mat have you tried? They make ones that are special for kitty litter, but what I found actually works best is one of those spongy bath mats – the kind with holes in it. I hate using them in the tub cause they get gross when wet but they actually work fairly well with kitty litter because of the holes. I can try to post a link so You know what I mean.

      You also have to make sure you get one that’s big enough – it should go at least a couple feet in front and on the sides because if your cat is anything like mine, they like to exit which ever direction they happen to be facing once they find a spot they are happy with.

      Nothing will eliminate it entirely but the bath mat helped a ton for us.

      2. periwinkle*

        Ooooooooo, I need to try one of these. We were at Petsmart last week to pick up another 120 pounds of cat litter (Dr. Elsey’s Precious Cat, which even our pickiest cat loves) and once again looked sadly at their selection of litter mats. We’ve tried them all with no real luck. I’ve seen the new kind with two layers, with holes in the top layer through which the litter falls and gets trapped. Pricey.

      3. Cats-R-us*

        The bath mat looks like a good idea. I’ve got the largest size at litter mat the pet store carried with circular indents to try to catch litter. My older car frequently has litter caught in his back paws.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      WE use a clay based litter for clumping capabilities,but we have a kicker so quite a bit still ends up outside the box. One thing we have found to help is to get a fairly disposable bathmat with a bit of pile – something from Ikea works great – and put the litter box on top of it. The bulk of what gets kicked/tracked is caught in the mat (which you can then shake into a trashcan, etc) and, in case of accidents, it will also absorb most things pretty well. You can wash it if needed or just toss after a while if it gets too gross.

      We still have tracking, but I sweep up once a day around the box and then vacuum every other week or so when I can’t take it anymore. But the litter, other than around their bathroom where maybe they kicked a bit, is more or less confined to an area of the house.

      If you have a kicker, some folks suggest getting a rubbermaid tote with high sides and using that as a litter box too.

    6. Elkay*

      I found moving the litter box to a non-carpeted surface helped. It’s much easier to sweep up than vacuum every day and the litter seems to drop off their feet quicker when they walk on lino.

    7. Artemesia*

      It helped to have a litter box with a top and opening and it helped to have one of those litter matts under it so that the stuff on their paws came off before they left the area. BUT it only helped, it didn’t eliminate it. A roomba is fabulous when you have cats as you can easily run it every day and it picks up hair and litter (and then needs to be groomed itself but that is always more pleasant to me than vacuuming) However if the dang monster poops or barfs and you run the roomba without surveying for that first, you will have great fun with roomba cleaning.

    8. Natalie*

      It’s not clear to me if you have a basement, but that’s what worked for us. In the steps she takes across the basement floor and up the stairs, all the little falls off.

    9. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      Personally, I adore my top-entry litter box and you can pry it out of my cold dead hands! My erstwhile roommates and I had three cats in a 1200sqft apartment, and we ended up throwing out all our old litter boxes and replacing them with top-entry, because it kept the mess and the smell so much better controlled than even covered front-entry boxes. We also found them much easier to clean. Most of the tracking ends up on the lid, and you can just lift that and tip the litter back into the box.

  59. Courtney*

    My extended family (and we’re a pretty close big/extended family) has had four people pass away in the last two weeks. It’s insane. We were at a funeral on Friday for my great-uncle waiting for it to start when the call came through that someone else had died. My mom is a mess – she also had one of her close friends pass away last week. Of course, it’s not as bad for me – there were people at that funeral who lost both grandpas in one week, or their dad plus their father-in. But it’s just awfully sad and I wish there was more I could do.

    1. Jersey's mom*

      I am so sorry for the many losses you and your family are dealing with. This is a catastrophe for your family, and I can’t imagine how difficult it may be to live through this.

      First, take care of yourself. You might have a lot of your own feelings, as well as the feelings of family members washing over you and the most important thing is to make sure you’re caring for yourself.

      There’s actually a lot of little things you can do, but ONLY if you feel up to it. Make meals (or get takeout) and visit with your family. They might want to talk about your deceased family members/friends or be very grateful to talk about something totally different -TV shows, movies, etc. Take someone out to a movie, or take them for a walk in the park. Sometimes, for some people, the worst thing is to be at home dwelling on memories and the want something to help distract them. For other people, they prefer to talk about their lost ones, and you can be a listener.

      But again, it all depends on how much you can handle and keep your sanity and equilibirum. And being open to how your family members want to grieve and what their needs seem to be. Sometimes, it might be best to be open and direct- to ask what someone prefers- to talk, to talk about something else, or to take a walk. Trust your feelings and the reactions of your family.

      Again, my sympathy to you and your family. I hope you’re coping as best you can.

      1. Courtney*

        Thank you. (To everyone, I’m just saying it here to not be repetitive.) Part of the reason I’ve been feeling so badly is I really am stretched to my limit right now – I’m taking six classes at the other place we don’t speak of on weekends and it’s almost finals, plus I’m also registering for being a sub and student teaching next semester which has a million hoops to jump through. Plus two toddlers. I’m trying to toe the line between taking care of myself and the kids while doing what I can for others. My husband has been super helpful, thankfully. But I really appreciate you emphasizing that I needed to think about myself too – I’ve been feeling selfish for doing so, and your comment has me a bit teary over here (in a good way.)

        1. Jersey's mom*

          It’s OK to tell people that you’re devestated at the loss of *, and while you wish you could spend time now with them, you have your toddlers, school and work applications to complete, which are all required over these next (1,2,3 weeks in December, or whatever)-but that you’d like to (get toegther, have lunch/dinner, etc) on (such and such a date, the first week of January, or whenever you’re ready). It’s OK to acknowledge the loads on your time, it’s also OK to acknowledge that your life has certain things that can’t be put on hold.

          Sometimes you can’t be giant oak tree that supports the family. Sometimes you’re the one who needs the support instead. And that’s ok. Your husband sounds like he’s a great person and can help you through the next few weeks. Let him. With the understanding that once this storm is over, you’ll be back to your previous family role, everything will be better.

          You’ll get through this. Focus on the things that are most important. I am a big fan of writing out a list- which can help you prioritize your essential needs, your available time, and how you can/want to allot that time.

          And just maybe, have hubby take the kids to (somewhere, mall, playground, etc) for a pre-arranged amount of time so you can have a good cry. It might help.

          I hope that you can sail through all these obstacles ahead so that you, your husband and kids are happy cone the new year.

    3. Effie, who is worth it*

      Wow, I’m so sorry. I don’t really know what to say, so I’m sending you good vibes.

      If you’re up to it, you can offer to take people out to coffee or drop by to do laundry/wash dishes/basic housecleaning…all that can go sideways when people are grieving, and sometimes people appreciate the chance to get out of the house.

    5. Dan*

      Ouch. Sorry about all of that.

      My boss went up to NYC on Wed, said something about going to a funereal and then visiting his sick gramma in the hospital.

      Friday, he sends an email saying something to the effect of, “oops, now I got stay for granny’s funeral too. Need to cancel the meeting we have with out of town guests on Monday.”

      Life can be a b sometimes.

  60. TL -*

    I found very cheap tickets to China and booked for next June! I’ll be there for two weeks and am thinking Shanghai (flying in there), Beijing, and Chengdu.
    Any advice or suggestions?

      1. TL -*

        I’m totally okay with hot and sticky! Had two winters this year (moved to a different hemisphere) and grew up in south Texas, so heat/humidity generally doesn’t bother me after the first day. I may even kinda like it…
        Hutong tour, will add! Thanks :)

    2. Effie, who is worth it*

      How fun! I’ve never been to Shanghai but I have been to Beijing. What do you like to do?

      1. TL -*

        Outdoors! I think China is so beautiful (Mostly from the Great Panda Adventure, but still!!!) I love being outdoors, I love walking around, and I love photography.

        1. Effie, who is worth it*

          Some of this may not apply to you, so I hope you find some useful stuff in here! This is mostly practical advice, I’m thinking of fun things to do :)

          – If you’re not comfortable with chopsticks, practice using chopsticks before you leave on your trip 1-2 weeks before you leave, at least one meal a day, without any other utensils (dessert exempted). Restaurants may have forks available, depending on the restaurant, but it’s never a bad idea to be comfortable with chopsticks.
          – Bring mosquito/bug spray. I recommend Bath & Body Work’s body mist in “white citrus” or “juniper breeze”. Bugs don’t like those smells, and then you won’t smell like Deet or artificial chemicals all day. You can also spray the body spray on a bug bite and rub it in to help with the itching (the alcohol will sting a little, but it’ll feel good after). You do not need to layer the body mist with “real” bug spray; I just used the mist all summer and I was fine. You do need to spray it on before you go outside though, including under baggy clothes if you have any on.
          – Bring skirts or gaucho/palazzo pants! I wore skirts most of my time there.
          – Bring a compact umbrella that you can fit in your handbag/tote. It can start downpouring randomly and an umbrella is way better than a poncho because it doesn’t trap all your sweat! You may also need an umbrella for sun protection since you may sweat so much that you sweat your sunblock/moisturizer off, even if it’s everyday moisturizer that’s supposed to dry quickly (ask me how I know!)
          – It will be DUSTY. Be prepared to see dirt run off you when you take a shower.

          1. Red Reader*

            And if you’re still not comfortable with chopsticks, you can get a set of bamboo cutlery with a carrying case fairly inexpensively on Amazon :) saved my bacon quite a few times on a tour around Europe, I don’t travel without it anymore because even places that should have western style cutlery sometimes run out. (My set actually includes chopsticks which I have used in a hair emergency because I cannot eat with them no matter how much I practice.)

            1. Artemesia*

              My husband and I would just walk into restaurants and then walk with the waiter through the restaurant and point at dishes other people had as there were no English menus and people didn’t speak English. We had an amazing dish which I later tracked down as a Squirrel Shaped Mandarin Fish. It was kind of like a fish cooked with sticks of flesh sticking up like a blooming onion. It was totally fabulous. We ordered it and rice (not normally an accompaniment of a Chinese meal to my surprise and steamed bamboo in a sauce. It was expensive and way too much for the two of us, but it is the only time in my life I have seen such a thing and it was worth every nickel. It was hideous, but soooo good.

              Be very careful what you eat. We wandered into grocery stores with no refrigeration but selling dairy products and meat; we saw yogurt on palettes sitting in the sun behind stores which was then sold from cold cases. We stopped ordering any dairy and sticking with hot dishes. Hotels normally have buffets with western food and Chinese food.

              Beds are incredibly hard. Caucasians and Africans generally have bigger butts than Chinese people and we sort of need the bed to be soft enough to accommodate that. I have never had beds as hard as we found everywhere in China. Some were literally like tables with virtually no padding. If I wasn’t careful I would cut off circulation trying to sleep on my side.

              Very interesting country; we were flooded out of the Guilain area and I so regret not having the time we had planned there. We went to Beijing instead and it was interesting but I’ll always regret not spending time in those pointy mountains. I had booked a hotel with a private terrace overlooking that picturesque countryside.

        2. Effie, who is worth it*

          Okay, outdoors!
          – bring walking sandals. Since you’re outdoorsy I’m sure you have walking sandals already! If for some reason you don’t, they don’t need to be super expensive – my favorite walking sandals for China have been by Sketchers and Walmart sandals called “Earth Spirit”. You’ll probably live in walking sandals!
          – DEFINITELY do some walking forest paths in Chengdu so I can live vicariously through you!
          – I’m sure there’s a panda tour you can do in Chengdu too :)
          – If you haven’t been to the Great Wall, it’s definitely worth it and you can walk for miles and get awesome pics! There are vendors all along the Great Wall which kind of takes away from the solemnity, so be prepared for that.
          – If you’re interested in photos of architecture the Forbidden City will be great and it’s a really nice long walk too. I’ve heard that they’ve closed off one of the main entrances so the only main entrance is across from Tiananmen Square. Don’t go to a side entrance, it’s a separate fee and you just get to see a garden.

          More advice:
          – be prepared to buy bottles of filtered water (should be 1-3 yuan per bottle. In Beijing in the convenience stores individual bottles of filtered water are usually 2 yuan and then it’s more expensive in non-convenience stores. In small towns it’s always 1 yuan, although they may try to overcharge you if you look like a tourist. I don’t know about Shanghai and Chengdu). You can bring your own refillable water bottle but tap water isn’t really safe to drink, so you can boil water at your hotel overnight and then pour the lukewarm water into your bottle in the morning, but throughout the day you’ll probably want water to drink too.
          – if you are particular about toilet paper, bring your own. Also public toilets don’t always have toilet paper available. I like keeping little Kleenex packs in my handbag/tote/backpack/whatever just in case.
          – In Chengdu since it’s in Sichuan the default mode for food will be “spicy”.

          Let me know if you have any other questions! I care very much about this as you can see ;)

          1. TL -*

            This is awesome advice, thank you!!! I was looking towards doing the Great Wall and the Forbidden City but it’s hard to choose – this is definitely validation that it’s what I should do!

            I actually don’t have walking sandals – I live in tennis and flip-flops :) but I might get a pair before I go. And doing a panda volunteer day in Chengdu as my big expense, but will do forest paths for sure!!! :)

            1. Effie, who is worth it*

              You are most welcome!

              I think walking sandals will be better than tennis shoes because there’s a lot less AC in China than there is in the US. Supermarkets and huge shopping malls have AC and then everywhere else tends to be cooled by oscillating fans.

              I also have tons of advice about food and preventing diarrhea if you are interested ;)

                1. Effie, who is worth it*

                  Okay, cool! What do you like to eat/up for trying?

                  Prevention advice:
                  – as Lin and I have said, don’t drink tap water :)
                  – I prefer never to eat from a street vendor because again it’s very dusty everywhere I’ve been in China so no matter how careful the vendor is as long as they are outdoors you can’t control the dust & wind
                  – Don’t eat seafood :( (I love seafood and it broke my heart)
                  – If they are not up to date, get your Hep A & B vaccines (I’ll post a link of government travel vaccine guides)
                  – If you are used to eating tons of cooked vegetables, you’ll probably be okay. The Chinese diet is quite heavy in vegetables. I mean I guess it depends on what you order food-wise?
                  – If you’re used to drinking milk in the US, have yogurt or a yogurt drink or ice cream at least once a day (they’re cheap in convenience stores). If you order milk from a restaurant you will most likely get a cup of hot milk.
                  – When you return to the US, ease back into your regular less-vegetable-eating habits (if those are your habits). I actually got diarrhea from going to KFC because I wasn’t used to eating mostly greasy meat by then anymore!
                  – If you do get diarrhea, powdered Gatorade mixed with water and baby rash cream (like Desitin) will be your lifesavers. You’ll need to drink lots of water but just water will pass through really quickly so just mix it with powdered Gatorade. I guess this is another thing you could bring since it’ll be trickier to find in China?

                3. TL -*

                  I am up for trying almost anything, as long as there’s no peanuts/wheat! (my allergies aren’t bad enough to be concerned by anything more than a stomachache, which I’m willing to tolerate.)
                  Oh, no seafood :( that’s my favorite.

                  I eat a lot of vegetables and almost always order vegetable-heavy dishes at restaurants.

                  Hot milk! O.o

                  Thanks for the gatorade/cream tip – my digestive system doesn’t swing that way normally so I wouldn’t have thought of it! I’ll bring some along with me.

                4. Effie, who is worth it*

                  No wheat?? Are you celiac/gluten-free? Sorry, unsure of the exact terminology. That’s going to be really tricky – soy sauce has gluten!

                5. TL -*

                  I have a mild wheat allergy – not Celiac’s, actually, so no long term damage, just a bunch of stomachaches and grumpiness. I’m thinking I will just deal for two weeks, avoiding what I can and accepting what I can’t. Hopefully I’ll be too distracted by travelling to really feel it until I come home.

                  (I lived with not knowing why I was always in stomach pain for two years and while my quality of life has gone up a lot since then, it was doable.)

                6. AvonLady Barksdale*

                  Breakfast: I ate a lot of congee (rice porridge) in China. It’s often served with little pickles and toppings, and I loved it. After a few days it became way too salty for me, so I switched to putting fruit* in my congee.

                  *Raw fruit except melon isn’t served that often in China, in my experience (though every meal ends with watermelon slices or pieces of dragonfruit. I ate canned peaches and lychees. If you don’t peel it, don’t eat it.

                  Peanut oil may be more present than you expect, so if you have a sensitivity, just be aware of that.

                  I had some amazing meals in Beijing, including the bowl of noodles I ate when we first arrived, exhausted, that we got in a random restaurant near the hotel. I eat a lot of “unusual” things, like tripe, so I felt comfortable trying everything. We ate at the world’s oldest restaurant, Quanjude, which specializes in duck. It was awesome, even the feet.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          YES. When I was in China in 2008, all of my hotel rooms came with an electric kettle. I boiled water every day before using it to brush my teeth. This was sufficient at the time (unlike in Mexico, where even boiled tap water wasn’t safe), but look up some travel advisory websites or something before you go.

      2. Effie, who is worth it*

        Ooh, seconding the pickpockets.

        I used a money belt/passport holder that I tucked into my waistband whether I was wearing a skirt or pants. It was by Eagle Creek and you can get it from REI/Amazon. Link to follow!

      3. TL -*

        I’m great with crowds outdoors, not a huge fan of indoor crowds.

        I love haggling; my first boss was Chinese (well, American by the time I knew him but he didn’t come over until grad school) and he did not believe in paying full price for anything. :) Any tips or tricks for haggling in China would be greatly appreciated – I’ve only haggled in America (though I can usually get a discount) and only when I’m talking to a vendor/supplier/owner of a small shop. Never in a department store.

        Good advice on pickpockets – I’m really lax about that kind of thing in general! But I will look into a money belt – thanks, Effie!!

        1. Lin*

          I have a cousin who’s great at haggling, she insists that your opening offer should be 10% of the asking price…which is much more aggressive than anything I’d dare to try lol (although that’s normally in the street stalls not the department stalls). If you look like a foreigner they’ll push back more, so it’s important to sound like you know what you’re talking about.

          Oh and with cuisine – they have all the major fast food chains (Starbucks is extremely fashionable) but hopefully you’re open to trying the local stuff! Both Shanghai and Beijing is bursting at the seams with eateries and local specialties (with due diligence in regard to their reputation and food hygiene standards).

          1. TL -*

            I’ve never seen my boss so irritated as when he went with an American passport and got charged American prices – despite arguing with the hotel endlessly in perfect Mandarin!
            I definitely want to try local stuff! And it’s good to know that I should name a number. I expect to be overcharged; I’m fine with a tourist tax but I’d love to haggle down if possible.

          2. Effie, who is worth it*

            I think 10% is what I started at for street stalls too. You want to aim your final price to be no higher than half of their starting price (unless you really want whatever it is that they are selling).

            Also, if you’re tempted to feel bad while haggling, don’t feel bad – unless they tell you “you’re good!” after you two agree on a price, they’re def still making enough profit for it to be worth their time.

            I’m going to head out for the night but I will be back tomorrow (if you haven’t been buried under this pile of info ;) ) feel free to leave any other questions you have for me! And LMK about the food issues so I can personalize food recs :)

        2. Effie, who is worth it*

          Re: crowds. If you’re in line for something and everyone is shoving you, feel free to shove back and take up your space. They’re not going to wait for you. (Of course if everyone is waiting patiently in line, don’t shove your way through :P)

    5. Effie, who is worth it*

      Ooh, and not to beat a dead horse – I recommend walking sandals not just because of the heat but also because if it downpours suddenly you can lose a flipflop (no heel strap) and you really don’t want to be walking around in soggy socks & tennies!

      Spray your feet with the bug/body spray before you go outside as well – mosquitoes aren’t picky!

    6. Aussie academic*

      It’s really worth buying good quality face masks to help cope with the pollution. I spent two weeks in Beijing, Xi’an and Guangzhou last month and although we didn’t need them in Guangzhou, they were essential for the other two cities, even for those without asthma or respiratory issues. We bought 3M masks with charcoal filters- each lasted 1-2 days.
      Another thing to consider is to practice squats – we used lots of squat toilets and I’m glad I’d trained my thighs in advance!

      1. Effie, who is worth it*

        This is a really good point about the squat toilets! Also, remember to bring toilet paper/kleenex and hand sanitizer with you wherever you go (soap and TP are often not available in public restrooms)

        Practice keeping both feet flat on the ground while you squat. Sometimes you’ll have a bar/s to hold onto, but often you won’t, so it’s important to be able to balance without holding onto anything (you will not want to put a hand on the floor, trust me). If your calves are tight, this will be painful if not impossible, so do lots of calf-stretching exercises and keep practicing between now and June :)

        Your knees and feet may naturally turn outwards away from each other, which is normal.

        Hope this helps!

    7. Reba*

      We loved Sichuan. Walking around the park with the Giant Buddha is one of my top lifetime memories. There are so many fabulous sites.
      Get hotpot while you are there (order what the servers tell you to; they are right, you cannot handle the heat!).
      In Shanghai, eat lots of steam buns and scallion pancakes. We also had ancient duck soup that was a whole experience!

    8. Artemesia*

      We really thought Xian with the amazing warrior tombs of the first emperor was one of the most amazing things we have seen in our lives (and we have seen the Alhambra, Angkor Wat, Mesa Verde and several Mayan ruins.) There are several amazing things there in addition including an amazing museum of caligraphy (the evolution of Chinese caligraphy is told in stone carvings that preserve the various forms), the camp where Chaing made his last stand, a really great archeological museum.

    9. Effie, who is worth it*

      Food advice! Not sure of your comfort level with any Chinese dialects/language so here’s general advice.

      – Most restaurants don’t have seasonal menus, just year-round menus, so if you order something and they say they don’t have it, don’t argue. Also if you order something and they say you won’t like it, don’t argue. Just ask them what they recommend. And seconding Reba’s advice that if they tell you it will be too spicy for you, trust them.
      – If you must have fried rice/fried noodles, order the house specialty.
      – Ok so since you probably don’t want too much soy sauce or peanut oil, when you order food in a restaurant (not a hole-in-the-wall dumpling shop, which you will recognize by the bamboo serving containers outside the restaurant*), you can order a plate of “qing1chao3” aka lightly stir-fried* [vegetables], which the chef should understand to mean just cooked in vegetable oil. Even if this is not on the menu, it’s fine to order. (If it is a hole-in-the-wall dumpling shop, their pantry/menu will be very limited to dumplings and maybe noodles)
      – Seconding AvonLady Barksdale’s advice about fruit; if you can’t peel it, don’t eat it. Dragonfruit is very cooling and if you’ve never tried it before, do! Some people love it and others find it tasteless but you won’t know until you try it :)
      – If you end up going to a Western fast food place (like McDonald’s, KFC, etc), they have picture menus. You will get EXACTLY what’s on the picture (i.e. if it’s a picture of a single drumstick and small fries, that’s what you’ll get). They actually have regional specialties (like a rice plate with spicy chicken and stir-fried veggies) which is WAY better than the “Western” specialties, so if you have to go to a Western fast food place, try a regional specialty (which should also on the picture menu, or a giant picture over the cash register that you can point to)! Hamburgers come with mayonnaise on them. McDonald’s also has taro pies (apple pies with taro instead of apple) which are quite good. Also, Western fast food places offer a kind of fine-dining experience, so they bring the food to you, and you can leave your trash behind on the table when you leave. And the restrooms will probably be the cleanest you’ll see while you’re in China (other than possibly your own hotel, depending on the hotel). Oh, and Dairy Queen’s green tea blizzard is really good too!
      – As Artemesia said, you can point at other peoples’ food to order food.
      – Sometimes a bottle will be open in a convenience store’s cooler of drinks, so check the bottles carefully before you buy them
      – There are TONS of unusual bottled drinks to try. There’s a very popular peach drink*; if you like sweet things, try it!

      *I’ll include a link

      1. Effie, who is worth it*

        *Stack of bamboo dumpling containers: https://previews.123rf.com/images/papobchote/papobchote1307/papobchote130700077/20603202-A-lot-of-bamboo-steaming-container-with-dumpling-on-steam-oven-at-street-market-of-Thailand-Stock-Photo.jpg

        *How to pronounce qing1chao3 – https://www.mdbg.net/chinese/dictionary?page=worddict&wdrst=0&wdqb=qing1chao3

        *Popular peach drink: https://xiaotime.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/peach.jpg
        https://xiaotime.wordpress.com/tag/drinks/

  61. Athena*

    Honestly, today I’m wondering if family is really worth the hassle. Between my brother and my grandmother both being determined to hurt everyone they come across, I’m at my wits’ end.

    My mother tells me that my brother is genuinely losing the plot, and I’m sympathetic because I know that’s terrifying (I was in a similar state of paranoia, but I internalised it), but I can’t deal with him anymore. He’s content to see us if it benefits him, but the minute it doesn’t it’s lots of vitriol and I can’t take it. Is it okay to just say I’m done?

    2. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      Family doesn’t get to be mean and expect you to take it just because they’re family.

      also, Captain Awkward’s blog.

    3. Jersey's mom*

      Yeah. It’s time to communicate with him on your own terms, not his.

      I have a field of landmines for a family. I only communicate via text, which I have control over. I can decide if I want to even read the text or ignore. Side benefit, it’s all saved in my phone, so if I get the ” but faamiilly” comment, I can choose whether or not I want to share the crazy texts.

    4. Stellaaaaa*

      You have to put yourself first. These hurtful people are thinking about themselves; no one else is going to prioritize you besides you.

      One of my brothers has a drug and drinking problem on top of the bipolar disorder that he refuses to manage. I can deal with him fine in large groups for a few hours but I’ve given up on the idea of developing a closer one-on-one relationship with him. It would be codependent, no doubt about it. I would have to forgive sooooooo much of his behavior and be soooooo careful about every little thing I did and said. I do believe that relationships should ultimately provide you with some degree of enjoyment or fulfillment. They take work and they’re not always FUN but they should make your life better.

      1. Athena*

        That’s basically it. He took offence at me asking a question relating to a conversation we had (“I’m worried I’m going to cheat on my wife” “well, have you?” “No” “that’s good then, keep it up”), and when I told him to grow up and stop whining to the rest of the family about it a month on and not tell me he’s cranky, he spewed abuse in my direction, spewed abuse at my parents, then when I didn’t reply to his nonsense told me I’m not allowed to see his kids. I’m just like “well, that’s one less piece of drama in my life.” I’m sad, but I spent ten years living in a depressed black hole, and I don’t want to get dragged there by his negativity and his insistence that the world is against him. My view is, if everyone is “wronging” you, you need to look at yourself and see if maybe you’re the problem. It’s one set of rules for him, another for the rest of us, and I’m so done – I’ve cried and worried too much about this.

        1. Jersey's mom*

          My hubby and I both have toxic famlies. We made a conscious decision to view and treat them like a soap opera. We watch and don’t get emotionally involved. It’s difficult at first, but once you see how much it lessens your emotional oveoad, the easier it gets.

          And remember, they do this crap to get a reaction. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

          1. Athena*

            That’s a good idea. I’m going to look at it like that. I mentioned the general situation to a close family member, as she asked if I’d seen/spoken to brother recently, and she was horrified – my brother talks to her quite a bit and he’d not mentioned all his issues with everyone, and she thinks it’s because he knows she’d call him out and he wouldn’t know how to take it from her.

            With my grandmother, I’ve learned to be civil when we see each other, and I’ve forgiven her because it hurts me if I don’t. But I’m not going out of my way to see her, because that lines me up for more hurt. I’m not there yet with my brother. My parents are driving up to see him because they’re quite worried about his mental health, and I’ve told them to go on a day I’m at work so I don’t feel obligated to go with them.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I have a load limit of how much I can hack. I think one anchor around my neck is enough. I think choosing your grandmother over your brother is wise. Let him incubate a little more see if he chills out a little bit. Grandma won’t be around forever to do this with.

              If all else fails you may decide to go no contact, which is fine too. We have to do what we have to do.

              1. Athena*

                I ended up blocking his number last night because it didn’t stop after I blocked his Facebook. The silence is refreshing. Every day, he’d text me about about how everyone is a lovely string of swears and how he deserves better because he is Good Person, and I’d be scratching my head at how that particular action was so abhorrent (“my wife talks to her mother on the phone, this is definitely worth raging about for weeks” “what”), and when I’d gently try questioning it I’d be a stupid b**** or a stupid c*** for not understanding. Then he’d whine because no one understands meeeeeee and everyone insults meeeeee and I’m like “for real?” “Everyone hurts meeee and goes against my wishes, can’t forgive” *lists an example of him doing that to me and how forgiveness is possible* “I don’t f***ing care about your feelings, you need to get the f*** over it”
                For years, this guy was on a pedestal (very patriarchal family, only guy in our generation), and eventually the patriarchal side of the family realised the daughters were accomplishing a lot more and were a whole lot nicer. He takes that personally, too; our achievements were apparently a slight against him, and we’re all stupid for doing so. This is something my grandmother has done, too. She came to my grad and told me that by getting a degree, I’d put an irrevocable split in our relationship, because I imagined myself smarter than her. By chasing a second degree, I was adding to the insult.

                He’s also like this to his wife and has been since they were dating, so it beggars belief they’re still together. Argh.

                1. Artemesia*

                  I think when you have family members who think your hard work and success is an insult to them, you have family members you need to lose. No one who loves does that. Decent people are thrilled when their offspring succeed beyond them. My son is smarter than I am and my daughter is nicer than I am and both make more money that I did at my career peak — I am delighted.

                2. Jersey's mom*

                  Decent people are polite and courteous to others. Until others begin to act like total assholes. It’s OK to walk away from assholes. Block them on all media and let close family and friends know why you’re blocking them. A simple email of “** said these hurtful or untrue things, so I’m no longer in contact with them”. It helps to explain your side before the nutso starts spreading his/hers.

                  Definitely been there.

    5. Wrench Turner*

      Yes. You can take time and space for you, and do so without guilt. If they ask why you don’t want to be there, tell them if you want, but you don’t have to go. You don’t owe anyone anything that risks your health.

    6. Ramona Flowers*

      Yep. You can’t make a perfect choice in an imperfect situation – all you can do is pick the least worst.

  62. Epsilon Delta*

    Does anyone have recommendations for a food tracking app that doesn’t focus so much on calorie counting? I want an app that will help me track if I am eating enough servings of vegetables, if I’m getting enough whole grain, if I’m eating too much added sugar, etc.
    I’ve used My Fitness Pal and it’s great that it has so many foods n the database. But it doesn’t tell me much about which foods were good or bad. Like, if I eat an apple it tells me it was low in calories but warns me that I now only have X grams of sugar left in my daily limit.
    I’m at a healthy weight so my goal is to just eat healthier overall and make sure I’m getting all the nutrients I need, not gain or lose weight.

    1. TL -*

      Oh, I used an online dietician program where I tracked all my foods and had daily or weekly feedback and a monthly Skype with a nutritionist. It was really great (I used it for a month) and they were definitely very responsive to what I wanted the program to be focused on – I wasn’t interested in losing weight but I was interested in rebalancing my diet with a whole bunch of allergies (on the plus side I felt a lot better; on the negative side, I had to radically change my eating style.)

      This was a couple years ago and I don’t remember the name, plus it was pricey, but a program like that for even just a month can make a huge difference in your food knowledge and planning.

      2. TL -*

        found it! It’s mydietician.com I just did it for a month but it was really helpful in thinking about food patterns overall, and it didn’t go into food as bad/good but definitely went into how I can create healthy eating habits and looking at my diet holistically.

          1. TL -*

            I just looked it up – it’s $80/mo for regular and $109/mo for a video chat. You get daily feedback M-F and I wouldn’t do it long term (and I think mom paid for it with a coupon honestly) but for a month it was absolutely worth (my mother paying for) it. I’m probably going to renew for a month soon, actually.

            1. ..Kat..*

              These prices are a bargain for getting advice, food counseling from a Registered Dietitian. They have extensive training and really know their stuff.

    2. Natalie*

      I looked into this a couple of years ago and was unsuccessful. It’s pretty frustrating as I had a hard time ignoring the calorie counts in MFP and I don’t really believe in calorie counting.

      There are some tweaks that might help. You can turn off those “healthiness” alerts if you haven’t already, and set your calorie limit ludicrously high so it’s easy to ignore. I think there is also a setting to adjust your goals for various nutrients although that might only be in the pay version.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      There are apps for the 21 day fix that might work for you. The 21 day fix is by beachbody and it uses a container system vs calorie counting. Each color-coded container has a set volume and you get so many portions of each container per day. I’m not recommending the diet, but the information is available online if you want to look into it further. The apps are simple counters for each of the different containers and you could easily make it work for counting your own servings of each type of food. As I recall, the system has containers for fruits, veggies, protein, starch, dairy, and fat. I think there was also a way to count sugar and liquids.

    4. Sopranistin*

      I like Cronometer. I use their free online food diary, so I’m not totally sure how the app is different. There is a specialized “gold edition” that costs more money. I also don’t count calories, I just want to know that I’m getting all the nutrients I need from my diet. You can set your own nutrient targets and it will highlight some important ones. It gives a very detailed breakdown of how much fiber, carbohydrates, proteins, vitamins, and minerals you get and will tell you how much came from each food you ate. The diary does track calories, too, but I just don’t worry about that.

    5. LibbyG*

      I’ve been trying to follow the guidelines of the MIND diet and using a general app – Tally – to keep track of servings of leafy greens and nuts and cheese and such. So I don’t get info about nutrients and stuff, but I can track the set of goals associated with the eating plan.

    6. Manuel*

      I used https://www.supertracker.usda.gov/ for awhile and liked it. I’m not sure how up-to-date it is when you let the program set everything, but I think you can override those and set your own goals and limits. The program does include calories, but I just ignored those and focused on meeting the recommended daily servings of grains, dairy, fruits, and veg.

  63. Help wanted*

    How do you know if someone (close family member) is emotionally abusuve or just kind of a crappy person to you? Does the distinction matter?

    What boundaries do you set up in conversation to shut down meanness in the moment? Especially when it happens too quickly and you’re so used to it you barely notice it?

    1. I'm A Little TeaPot*

      “That was unkind. Stop that, or I’ll leave” and then leave.
      Also, Captain Awkward’s blog.

    2. Don't Blame Me*

      I’m sorry you’re being treated badly by a family member. I don’t think it matters why they’re doing it or to what degree of “bad” it rises to. If they’re treating you badly and it’s making you unhappy, you have the right to call them out on it, shut it down, or refuse to be in their presence anymore. I second the suggestion of Captain Awkward, she has a lot of great scripts for things like this.

    3. Stellaaaaa*

      Crappy people are mostly just careless. Abusive is when they put effort into lying or they act in deliberate ways.

    4. fposte*

      I don’t think the distinction matters when it comes to deciding what you’ll do. People don’t have to hit clinical signs of anything for you to choose not to engage with them.

      I’ve used “Ouch!” and silence or “That sounds really weird” to reasonable effect. However, you also need practice there, and it helps to be willing to walk away literally and figuratively.

    5. Wrench Turner*

      “What you just said? That sucks. Here’s why… Don’t talk to me like that again.”
      And when they do it again, get up and walk off. Enforce that by withdrawing your company.
      You deserve better. It doesn’t matter why they do it. If they continue to do it, it’s abuse. Hopefully they learn.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I cannot envision a person who treats someone crappy who is not abusive on some level. So no, it does not matter which behavior it is.
      Review, practice; review practice.

      You can train your brain to be quicker.
      Review things that this person has said in the past.
      Figure out your new answer to the remark.
      Write this down if you have to, in order to think it through and stay on track. Write a specific remark then write what your new answer will be.

      Then practice. You only need to say the answers out loud a few times then move on to the next wise-guy remark and practice that.

      Don’t worry about the meanness you don’t notice. Just deal with the parts you see. If you keep going you will pick up on more subtle stuff later.

      I always figure my answers should either throw the remark down in a neutral place or just shut down the whole line of conversation. I don’t want to start a fight especially in a group.
      Bob: Boy NSNR, you really screwed up on ABC.
      Me: Well that may be true, Bob. But we aren’t finished yet so we will see.
      OR
      Me: Well yes that is true, Bob. And I am still alive! Imagine that!
      OR
      Me: Everyone makes mistakes, Bob. Everyone. [Narrow glare right at Bob.]

      If I lay our more than one come back, I find that really exercises my mind so my thoughts loosen up to handle the real thing when I see it.

  64. Wrench Turner*

    I’ve started up the gift-making machine this weekend. Buying things for people isn’t in my budget with some very, very few exceptions. Besides cranking out more cookies and breads than is probably legal, we have a 3D printer that’s being put to good use. For my sister whose sweet, loving but ancient cat just walked on, I’ve printed two small cat earrings, one I’m painting orange/striped and the other black with blue eyes, like the two cats she still has. Her husband is a huge nerd (we all are) so I’m looking for some cool game figurines to print out and paint For my dad, who took a big cross country drive when his mom passed away this year, I’m finding some pictures from Google street view of a place he visited and talked a lot about and doing a landscape painting so he can remember. I work real well from photos so I think I can make something he recognizes.

    For those that prefer (or must) making things, what are you making straight from the heart?
    (No lie, I need more ideas)

    1. Effie, who is worth it*

      Bookmarks.

      I give my dad bookmarks for many gift-giving occasion since he says he doesn’t need anything, they don’t take up much space, and they’re always useful. Sometimes I do origami, sometimes I crochet. I can link some easy origami bookmarks if you’re interested? Let me know!

      Your ideas sound fab! I’m sure they’ll be greatly appreciated.

    2. Lcsa99*

      This is the first year we’re strictly making gifts and were gonna do food stuffs. Teas and cookies, marshmallows and hot chocolate mix amd truffles, mostly (all homemade, even the teas!)

    4. Teach*

      If you sew and live in a cold climate, mittens made from sweaters have been a big hit for me! I find wool sweaters at the thrift store, felt them in the washer, cut, sew. Cheap and fast. Cashmere sweaters are particularly nice for this!

    5. Alston*

      I am making wooden toy tops (big ones! About 7 inches across) for my boyfriend. He’s been after me to make a top since I started wood working two years ago.

    6. Aurora Leigh*

      I’ve crocheted mug cozies. It’s a fun way to use up odds and ends of yarn!

      Also crocheted hat and scarf sets.

      Also cross stitch samplers with quotes on them (words and letters go really fast! It’s the shading in pictures that slows me down, always stopping to change colors!)

      A friend of mine has printed out pictures of actors/characters from favorite tv shows and used scrapbook paper to make bookmarks or Christmas ornaments.

      I once made potholders with fabric themed from same tv show.

      Cookies always go over well, and my aunt makes the best caramels!

    7. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t typically make stuff but I may this year. In January we have our Christmas get together since some are out of state. We usually do a grab bag gift game but im thinking of putting together a gift for each person outside of this. We’ve lost my dad andb brother this year, and I have all the old photos, so I’m thinking I’ll find a special one for each person, scan it, print it and frame it. Like a small 4×6 maybe. It would be a picture of them with either my brother or dad. I have a feeling it will be quite the emotional gift though so I’m still thinking about it.

    8. Ramona Flowers*

      I’m not the maker but my favourite Christmas gifts are always my friend’s homemade preserves. She makes cider apple jelly and lemon curd and adds cute labels.

    9. HannahS*

      My brother and father get a cake and cookies respectively (since they are utterly impossible to buy for) and my mother gets a hand-knitted earwarmer/headband. Someday, my parents will get a new knitted afghan from me, but that day is far away….I keep going, “Well for their anniversary in the summer…nope, their birthdays in the fall…no, maybe Chanukah….yeah, no maybe for their next anniversary in the summer.” So…maybe I’ll get on it in the spring for their anniversary in June.

    10. Pearly Girl*

      Map crafts: find old ones (or print out images) and decoupage them onto craft blocks (inexpensive + you can use coupons at big-box craft stores). Maps can be sentimental places or recent vacation spots. Or use maps to cover inexpensive notebooks for journaling.

    11. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I sew bags…tote bags, jewelry bags, wine bags, drawstring backpacks…i buy fancy remnants at a discount and bags are easy to sew. I give them with a food treat inside like bread or wine.

    12. Traveling Teacher*

      I like to make fancy popcorn mixes (The Domestic Geek on YouTube has some great ideas, but the possibilities are endless and cheap!) or give all the ingredients for them to make their own. (Popcorn kernels, spices, etc.) My current faves are salt and fresh ground pepper, smoked paprika, and parmesan and herbes de provence (which sounds way fancier than it is!) If you make a pre-popped mix, it’s good to pick out any unpopped or not-very popped kernels too!

      Or, you can make a fun popcorn trail mix like this:
      One cup of popped popcorn
      1/4 cup of four of the following:
      small dried fruits (raisins, craisins, dried blueberries, etc)
      seeds (sunflower, pumpkin…)
      nuts (peanuts, almonds, smoked almonds, walnuts, pecans…)
      something chocolate/sweet (chocolate chips, chunks, cacao nibs, mnm’s…)
      Optional: 1/8 tsp of cinnamon and/or nutmeg

  65. nep*

    Anyone else fear being out and driving alone at night?
    I was mugged about 15 years ago, and I think that is linked to this anxiety and fear that grips me to this day.
    A friend asked me to participate in / help him with an event next weekend — an event that embodies two of my greatest passions…it’s really an honour and huge pleasure to be asked. My mind immediately went to: ‘But I’ll have to walk to the parking lot and drive home (in a not-so-great but not-terrible neighbourhood for part of the ride) in the dark.’ It won’t be late, just dark. I refuse to let fear govern my life and deprive me of such opportunities. Part of me wanted to make up an excuse and say I can’t go. But I knew I couldn’t give in like that. I told him I’d be happy to — I’ve committed myself to this. Any thoughts on / advice for these kinds of fears and anxieties? This is an aspect of my life in which my badassery often fails me, but I want to change that.
    (I don’t really have a problem asking someone to walk me to my car; I’m open about all this and I will probably ask someone to do that for me next weekend. That just takes the edge off and allows me to be fully present and not worried about the end of the evening. But in doing that am I being a wuss and not addressing the fear?)

    1. TL -*

      Therapy? I think with such a directed fear and a clear reason why you probably have the anxiety, a short course with a therapist will probably be helpful to give you ways to acknowledge that it does give you anxiety, that’s okay, and you now have good methods for dealing with it.

    2. Wrench Turner*

      Sometimes my anxiety gets a hold of my reason, I feel you. You are NOT being a wuss by asking someone to walk with you. You, unlike mot everyone, have actual cause to be concerned. That said, crimes are rare in the US in this day and age, and odds are good with a little vigilance and awareness you will never have that issue again. One way to acclimate yourself to walking at night is to start walking around places you know at night, and yes, with company if you want! Do this repeatedly. Then take a short one by yourself. Maybe to a convenience store or something – it’s easier if you have some place to go. You can do it.

    3. nep*

      (Bottom line — I know I’ve got to just let fear be what it is, let it be there, live through it, move through it. I get all caught up in thoughts and that’s a completely counterproductive thing to do.)

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Buddy system.
      Ask your friend to walk you to and from your car. OR When you leave have the two of you go to the car that is closest and drive the other one to their car. If this is not doable, perhaps there are security folks around who would walk with you. Another option is to leave when most of the people are leaving, tag along when a large number of people are exiting.

      Park under a light. You will be able to find your car easier and you will be able to check the backseat easily before you get into it.

      Drive home. Lock your doors of course. If you have any concerns about your car get that checked out before you go. Make sure your tires have good pressure and your car’s fluids are all up.

      Bring your cell. Know what number you will call if you break down. I have roadside assistance through my insurance. Prior to that I had roadside assistance through a guardian angel of a friend who would come get me.

      Know what roads you will use. If you are not familiar then a dry run during daylight hours might make sense.

      Do you have friends in the area? If yes, be sure to have their numbers and addresses with you.

      Do you have a personal alarm? Maybe there is a cell phone app that functions like a personal alarm? You just want something that makes a louder noise than you do.

      Finally, let’s say nothing pans out that great here. Have a friend at home waiting for your check in call to say you arrived home okay. Older people are great about these requests they will diligently sit by the phone and wait for you to call. Instruct them as to what they should do if you don’t call.

      I got robbed at work just over 30 years ago. The next day a young woman got murdered across the street from where I was working. (Unrelated incidents.) Yeah. I look around. I plan ahead and sometimes over plan. Sometimes I sound like a worry wart. That robbery is part of my life story and part of how I became the person I am. We can’t undo these stories but we can make sure we take darn good care of ourselves.

      1. nep*

        All really good tips. I hear you about over-planning. Generally I very much live in the moment and avoid projecting or calculating — but in this regard that’s not the case.
        (I’ve been to this venue before and given that it’s not in the best neighbourhood, I do the very thing you suggest: I usually seek to tag along with others, even during daylight.) The vehicle I’ll use is older and this week I will make sure things are in order. I’m due to check things out anyway, and the tires need a bit of air.
        Thanks, all, for the insights and advice.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My wise friend, who I mention from time to time, told me that worry/fear goes hand-in-hand with low or no planning. When have fear or even just a concern, we need to build an action plan to go up against that fear or concern.
          Tricky part. The plan does not remove the fear. It CAN help the fear from escalating and it might help us to learn to be less fearful in the future. The immediate thing is the affirmation, where we show ourselves, “Yes, I know I am worried here, so I have taken extra steps to protect me.” It’s very important to acknowledge when we have fear. Especially to acknowledge it to our own selves. The problems really come in when we deny our own fears and we don’t take steps to protect ourselves.

          Some of my friends laugh at me for how security conscious I can be. I shrug. My efforts to remain safe help me to go do things and try things that I might not do otherwise.

  66. Em*

    Need birthday present (<$25) ideas for a couple 4 year old boys that have *everything.*. These are my kid’s friends, not family.

    My default for 4 year old girls is dress up clothes and/or those melissa and Doug craft kits. You can never really have too much of either. Maybe a stuffed My Little along if we know which ponies the girl prefers (never give a Rarity fan a Fluttershy). But what’s the equivalent for boys? They’re not quite old enough for legos, not super into dress up and have the basics, and many of them have older siblings as well so they have a LOT of toys lying around. Not as much into art/crafting as my kids are.

    Play doh? Puzzles?

    2. KatieKate*

      Maybe a tiny person science kit? Can you gift an experience (gift card to a local museum, etc)

      1. Em*

        This is for my preschooler’s friends, so I want to get a physical thing. My kid at least doesn’t quite understand / wouldn’t appreciate gift cards. Unless it’s ten one dollar bills she can spend at the target dollar spot. She’s all about that!

    3. Nacho*

      What about sports equiptment? Nerf footballs and tee-balls and what not. Or are they too young for that?

    4. Stardust and northern lights*

      My nephews are actually into dress up (police outfit, firefighters, doctor/nurse, etc.) Also, anything coloring (markers, colored pencils, crayons) paper, stickers. Any science kits for kids, binoculars, books on identifying birds, etc

      1. Em*

        When I say they have everything, I mean they have *everything*. Stomp rockets are the best, and always my go-to (and magnatiles, which are $$$ but so worth it!), but all the kids have them.

    6. paul*

      no play doh. Please.

      Puzzles aren’t really good for my two.

      I’ve never met a kid–regardless of gender–that doesn’t love big honkin toy trucks. If you can find those nice all metal Tonka ones they’re awesome.

      Also, giant bouncy balls if they don’t have them AND have a yard to play with them in (they’re not indoor toys).

      1. Em*

        My girls are 50/50 on trucks (big and honkin’ Or otherwise). My 2 year old has always loved anything that zooms. My 4 year old wouldn’t ever play with one, and never would. Has no interest in bike riding. She’ll happily sit inside and do play doh and art and a 100 piece puzzle while the other one rides her trike at 100mph downhill.

        Kids are so funny!

    7. Em*

      Update: for the next two parties I went with a grow-your-own terrarium kit + a head lamp.

      My kids (4 and 2, both girls) are obsessed with head lamps and honestly, no household can have too many! And the terrarium…fun to do, then you can throw away :-).

    8. Catherine from Canada*

      One of the best (and cheap!) gifts my kids ever got was a 5 lb bag of elastic bands. You can do some seriously fun stuff with elastic bands. Those relatives also gave them a bulk pack of masking tape another year.

      I am seriously considering giving my son’s two daughters (3.5 and nearly two) a big roll of bubble wrap for Christmas. Parents can cut lengths and then J & H can jump on it! They are two little wildings, this should be right up their alley, especially cooped up in the house in the winter.

    10. Belle di Vedremo*

      Magazine subscriptions! Something new and different every month, and *personal mail.*
      You can find some that are for pre-readers, some that are for beginning readers, etc. The Cricket series was a big hit with small fry in my life, there are others out there eg the Ranger Rick series from Natl Wildlife Federation, National Geographic Kids.

    11. Artemesia*

      My favorite default is always books. Second, art supplies which have the virtue of being used up and thus can be given again.

    12. ..Kat..*

      Take them out to do something fun with them. Time spent with an adult focusing on you can be heaven for a child.

  67. Me*

    Blergh.

    NaNoWriMo did not go as well as I’d hoped. I got derailed by political shenanigans and by a really nasty cold–I haven’t had one that bad in quite a while. No doubt due to stress. For now, I’m just plugging away and trying to tell jerkbrain to shut up when it keeps going why are you bothering with book 2 nobody wants book 1 who are you trying to fool everybody’s freaking out over all these debut authors who are ten times the writer you are and poc and millennial and you’re just some stupid old ugly white bitch nobody wants and oooh they have kickass jobs or cool lives that inform their very cool books and you have to make up shit because you have noooootthiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggg you can’t even get a shit job you loser. Just. Shut. Up. #anxietysucks

    And to top it off, Flo seems to have deserted me. Great. Now I really have nothing left. I’m just so tired.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      Jerkbrain is wrong. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this when you are completely awesome. I want so badly for you to catch a break. Big hugs.

    2. Athena*

      I agree with Ramona. Jerkbrain needs to stop its nonsense and give you a break. Sending virtual hugs and cups of tea to get through some of that anxiety. Is it possible to take some time and chill out to counteract some of the tiredness?

      1. nep*

        Even if jerkbrain doesn’t stop the nonsense and give you a break (which she probably won’t), you can and will live in a way that does not serve her.
        Pulling for you, sending you good vibes. Please keep us posted.

    3. AnonAndOn*

      Your jerkbrain is way off about you. I’m sorry to hear about all you’re going through and hope things get better. I hear you that it’s hard to see the positive when it feels like only negative things are happening. I am hoping things look up for you – I mean it.

    4. TL -*

      For what it’s worth, I always look forward to and read your posts.
      Not a book deal, but I do really value you in this community.

    5. Book Lover*

      I am sorry things are so hard right now. And it is so hard to shut off negative thoughts :(. Hope flo is just MIA because of illness/stress, but the hormonal up and down probably isn’t helping you feel any better. I wish I had anything I could offer other than to say I am sorry and hope things start looking up.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Yeah, okay. Meanwhile you are probably one of the nicest, most kind-hearted people who comment here. And yes, that matters, a lot.

      I am waving my magic wand like crazy trying to make something go differently for you.

      There is a saying, “If you do as you always did, then you will get what you always got.” What I like about this is that it inspires me to change something about what I am doing so I get different results from what I usually get. Just a point to ponder and something to keep jerkbrain quiet for a while.

    7. Effie, who is worth it*

      Echoing everyone above me. Jerkbrain is dead wrong.

      I’m guessing your hope and belief muscles are worn out, so I’m hoping for you. Things are going to get better.

      Let me affirm you:
      You’re valuable.
      You’re good enough the way you are.
      You’re intelligent, wise, and smart.
      You’re a strong, capable woman.
      Your writing is clear, empathetic, and substantial.
      You’re worth the space you take up.

      As many hugs as you want, and wishing you lots of hot baths and kitten snuggles.

    8. Red*

      I know sometimes it’s impossible not to listen to jerkbrain, but please also listen to me. I know I’m some random internet weirdo, but I’m one that asked nicely, I guess. Anyway, you are so very worth everything you dream of. You are one of the most kind-hearted, strong internet people I know. Please do not think, even for a second, that life is taking a nice big crap on you because of you – life is like a bird and it just drops it where it drops it, you just happen to have the lucky windshield. I had an extremely lucky windshield too, and it sucks so much, and it’s so hard to see the day when the wipers clear it all off, but it can and does happen. If positive thinking is of any help, let me know what kind of guy is your type and I’ll picture him showing up at your doorstep tomorrow (with you having a fantastic hair day, of course) to take you to meet with his publisher friend and then on the most adorable date ever, and then you come home, check your phone, and have a voicemail with a job offer.

    10. Helena*

      I am sorry so you are having a rough time. You are wonderful and awesome jerkbrain is wrong and needs to go away.

      I am not sure if this will help, but when I am feeling down or like my writing is not good or going anywhere, I remind myself that JK Rowling received loads of rejection letters for Harry Potter, and when she was done that series and wrote another book under a new pen name she received at least two rejection letters as well. For what it’s worth, this helps me to put things in perspective.

      You are one of my favorite commenters here. Sending good thoughts your way :)

    11. Annie Mouse*

      Adding on to the ‘you’re one of the most awesome commenters on here’. I like looking out for your posts.

      And also, I was thinking the other day, I couldn’t get your book when you first put it out and now I can’t remember where to find it! Can you point me in the right direction please?

    12. Wrench Turner*

      From one artist/writer to another, I get it. It’s hard. You burn with furious creation alone in your corner of the dark. Around you shine others, who, from your skewed reflection, seem more brilliant, more worthy of a longing gaze. Yet there you are, having created something that was not there before, out of the nothing of existence. You said let there be light, and it was. No matter how dim you think it was, before it was not there at all. You too are a star, and maybe not tonight, but some day your brilliance will be noticed, and someone will wish upon you.

      1. Me*

        Oh hey, I like this. :)

        If it were JUST the art, it wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s everything else on top of it.

        1. QualityControlFreak*

          Hey you. I know that feeling; stop my mind, I wanna get off! You already know your brain is misleading you. So here are some observable facts, based on what I have seen of you here. You are a kind, talented, beautiful young woman who has faced challenges with courage and who displays both tenacity and empathy. I hope you will find what you are looking for, both personally and professionally.

    13. caledonia*

      I echo everyone else – you are one of the best commenters on here and jerkbrain is a jerk.

      I hope 2018 turns around for you. I wish, we all most likely wish we could do something.

    14. Nynaeve*

      NaNoWriMo didn’t go as well for me as I hoped either this year. And I hear you on the “everyone is a better/worthier/more interesting/trendier writer than you” gremlins, which have been pernicious for me lately also. But here’s the thing: EVERY perspective is valuable. Everyone has the right to add to the cultural conversation (or try to). I read widely and my life would be poorer if ANY of those writers had given up. And you’re great and deserve better than your current situation, which other commenters have elucidated in detail.

      I really wish there was more I could do to help. I do have a couch in a 400 square foot house in SoCal that you’re welcome to crash on for a couple of months if you get a job out here. Legitimate offer: Alison has my permission to share my email if you want more details. Hopefully you get better offers though.

  68. Ramona Flowers*

    Following on from marshmallow, I have another non-American-wondering-about-a-food-thing question. Google hasn’t helped me get my head around this.

    What IS coffee creamer? Is it thicker than milk? Do you use it in addition to milk or instead of it? Does it go in the fridge?

    Are ‘creamer’ and ‘cream’ the same thing? Does “cream and sugar” actually mean creamer and sugar, or whipped cream? Over here, coffee with cream means coffee with whipped cream on top. So what do you say if you want whipped cream on top rather than creamer?

    1. AnonAndOn*

      It’s a milk substitute for coffee. Most have a variety of flavors, like French vanilla and hazelnut (and with the holidays here there are holiday flavors like pumpkin spice, egg nog, peppermint bark, etc.). Liquid versions usually go in the fridge while dry/powdered versions are shelf-stable. I prefer to use cream as opposed to milk because I find that milk (almond, soy, coconut) tends to make my coffee bitter. Creamer has a nice, light texture and flavor to it.

      Cream and sugar for coffee is usually the above creamer with spoons of sugar. Whipped cream is different…it usually goes on top of pies.

      1. AnonAndOn*

        To continue on that thought, some people do drink coffee or cocoa with a dollop of whipped cream on top. Coffee shops offer drinks like that. I’ve had it a few times but prefer it without.

        Whipped cream and coffee creamer are two different things, to clarify.

      2. nonegiven*

        I’d rather have it black than with creamer (too sweet and too thin) or milk (just too thin.) Real cream or nothing,

    2. fposte*

      “Creamer” is a word that suggests dairy without legally committing to it. The full term is “non-dairy creamer.” It’s basically a combination of trans fats and corn syrup products plus a pile of texture and preservative stuff. It comes in flavored versions as well. It’s kind of old-fashioned and I think is now trying to ride the flavored syrup wave; its big virtue, for a long time, was that it was shelf stable at room temperature (keep in mind the U.S. has never really done UHT milk; the closest we come is that some restaurants have teeny little sachets of half-and-half–roughly equivalent to single cream–for coffee).

      “Cream and sugar” mostly in practice means “milk and sugar”; I’d say it’s an somewhat older term that wouldn’t get used very often in a Starbucks climate but more in people’s houses these days. If it is available, it won’t be whipped. If you want whipped cream on your coffee, that would be a special request.

      Oh, and we also don’t use the term “white coffee.” I had to translate that one once for an international student here trying to order at McDonald’s and baffling the teenager at the counter.

      1. Ramona Flowers*

        I don’t really mean whipped exactly but I couldn’t think what to call it. Squirty cream basically.

        1. fposte*

          I suspect it’s still what we’d call “whipped cream” in our coffee shops anyway—it’s the aerated stuff that shoots out with a hiss and has some stability to it? It’s standard on top of hot chocolate and I would bet for some of the froofy drinks, but it’s nonstandard on top of black coffee and “coffee with cream” wouldn’t get you to that.

    3. Em*

      Creamer is a milk substitute. It can come in shelf-stable power form. It can also (more common) come in refridgerates liquid. It is most often a sugary cream that is flavored, like French vanilla. You wouldn’t generally add milk or cream or sugar to your coffee if you are using a favored creamer (eg. French vanilla).

      Coffeemate is a brand that makes the shelf stable powder which I believe is also called creamer. At least for me, it is usually a last resort (sort of like powdered milk?) and would require sugar if you like sugar in your coffee.

    4. Natalie*

      Folks have covered non dairy creamer pretty well. One of the characters in a novel series I read calls it “coffee lightener”, which is a pretty good description of what it does IMO.

      In my experience, both home and at restaurants and coffee shops, the “cream” in “cream and sugar” is half-and-half, which is a homogenized mixture of cream and milk. Actual cream is not commonly found here unless it is labeled as whipping cream, which is just cream but apparently we don’t know what to do with it if it’s not in the name. :)

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

        I’ve seen it sold as coffee whitener in the UK before.

      2. nonegiven*

        I have a quart of whipping cream for coffee in my fridge right now. Actual cream, I’d rather have it black than with half and half, stuff is way too thin, might as well be milk.

    5. periwinkle*

      “Creamer” in this context refers to non-dairy creamer. Non-dairy creamer is a shelf-stable powdery yet oddly gummy and sticky substance some people inflict upon their coffee.

      It is made by harvesting the disappointment you experience when you arrive at the bus stop only to watch the bus pull away, compounded with the despair of feeling those first raindrops on your head and realizing you’ll be waiting another half-hour in the chilly gray rain of a Monday morning.

      Actually it’s made from corn syrup and hydrogenated oil, but it still tastes like distilled disappointment.

      3. Reba*

        perfect description.

        Different but similar, my parents use fat-free half-and-half, which I do not understand and cannot support.

      4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

        Yep. My Dad loves it and won’t drink anything else in his coffee. I’m sure it is mostly responsible for his heart problems.

      5. MostCake*

        mmmm, I love the original powdered CoffeeMate nondairy creamer in strong coffee with one lump of sugar. I don’t like the liquid or flavored nondairies. In the 70s there were blue pint and quart cartons of Coffee Rich sold in the freezer section – that stuff was fantastic on non-sugar cereals like Wheat Chex after it thawed in the fridge. I wonder if you can still get it somewhere?

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      It’s very concentrated and thicker than milk. You can use a tiny dollop and mellow out coffee in the same way as a whooooole lot of milk, but without watering the coffee down. You can fill your mug up with more coffee.

    7. Grumpy bear*

      As another non-American, thank you for asking this question. Half-and-half in particular always confused me (especially the little tiny packets – I would need at least four of those.)

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I didn’t realise it was non-dairy. I thought it was like Baerenmark milk, which you get in little pots or a jug in certain coffee shops.

        1. Natalie*

          Granted I do not speak German, but from what I can find on the internets it sounds like Baerenmarke milk is similar to what we would call half-and-half, which is pretty common in restaurants and coffee shops here. That powdered creamer is definitely on a downslide in popularity, because it’s disgusting.

          1. fposte*

            From what I can see in English, Baerenmarke is more an unsweetened condensed milk. It also looks like maybe there are different numbers of Baerenmarke that reflect the milkfat percentage, maybe?

            I don’t think Myrin is on here this weekend, but this whole “what is your dairy?” conversation reminds me of when she suggested that somebody use curd on their face as if supermarkets were positively bursting with curd, and I think many of us Americans went “huh?”

    9. ThatLibTech*

      In Canada, most coffee if it comes with a milk product is cream (aka, half-and-half) as well. So for example, ordering a double double from Timmies is two* cream, two sugar. If you wanted it with milk (like, 2%) you would have to specify that.

      (* two of what? Who knows! It’s mysterious. Like pant sizes.)

  69. Em*

    Update: for the next two parties I went with a grow-your-own terrarium kit + a head lamp.

    My kids (4 and 2) are both obsessed with head lamps and honestly, no household can have too many! And the terrarium…fun to do, then you can throw away :-).

  71. nep*

    A while back I posted about wanting to find a quiet place around Fourth of July (or other occasions when fireworks are used). It occurred to me this past week that I could try a quality set of noise-cancelling ear muffs. Anyone use these — for example at a shooting range? Would they at least take the edge off during the assault of fireworks?

    1. Sam Foster*

      Industrial strength noise-cancelling ear muffs would indeed help with fireworks or any other loud noise. One note on fireworks would be that, depending on proximity, you would still feel the concussive force.

      I would look for the kind used at Nascar or drag racing, industrial quality like used by airport workers or ones made for shooting. They may have different decibel ratings so a bit of research may be in order to pick the one that is right for you.

    2. Wrench Turner*

      Depending on how quiet you want, a set of foamy in-ear plugs are a great start, and then you can even add ear muffs on top of that for more noise cancelling! Ones from your local Home Improvement store will make a huge difference and are very inexpensive. That said, you may still feel the force of the boom a bit even if you don’t hear it as much.

      I wear ear plugs all the time for really enjoying concerts, sleeping (someone snores), for my motorcycle (wind noise does more damage than loud engines) and for work (machinery & power tools) and they make a huge difference. If you are noise sensitive (like me) buying a tub of like 200 to just keep around is a really good use of $5.

    4. nonegiven*

      Mine are battery operated and have a volume control for each side. I can hear speech with them but loud sounds like gunshots get muffled. I use the rubber ones on a string with them. I keep those in my purse and use them in movies. Take out for dialogue and put back in for sound effects and too loud music.

  72. First white Christmas*

    Thanks to everyone for their help last week re clothing.

    I’ve now managed to get my hiking boots, thermals, a pair of snow pants, a waterproof/windproof pair of pants, wool socks, some more wool tops and jumpers, liner gloves, another hat, another wool scarf. I’ve been really lucky between thrift stores and sales.

    Flights and accommodation are booked. Just need to plan itineraries, money, SIM card and insurance.

    This is going to be fun

  73. Skin cancer PSA*

    PSA: We all have busy lives, but taking a few minutes to check your skin or a short visit to the doctor could save your life.

    I just had a mole removed. The mole was on the right side of my abdomen, if you drew a straight line from my bellybutton to my side that is where the mole was. The only reason I even noticed it was because the waistband of my gym shorts and pants was rubbing on it and it would get irritated and bleed. I have worn the same brand of gym clothes for years and at first I thought the newer ones were just cut higher but I soon realized it was happening whether I wore old or new ones. This had only started back in the spring and when I looked at pictures from my last vacation when I was at the beach wearing a two piece there was no mole there.

    I went to the doctor to have the mole removed because the irritation was getting annoying. It was quick appointment and I was in and out in minutes. It took a minute to remove and there was no blood or stitches and I barely felt anything. I figured that was the end of it.

    A week later the doctor’s office called. My mole had tested positive for melanoma. I was so shocked when I heard that and thought there must have been a mistake. I didn’t even know my doctor was going to send it for testing but apparently he has to send away every mole he removes. Skin cancer had not even crossed my mind. I thought it was something only white people got. Fair skinned people with red or light hair. I’m not white, my skin is not light and I have dark hair. No one in my family is white or fair skinned and I have no family history of skin cancer. I have never used a tanning bed or laid out in the sun to tan because I am so dark there would be no point and I have never had a sunburn before. I have lived in Washington State in one of the least sunniest cities in America my entire life and other than one vacation to Hawaii last year I have never been outside of the state. Even in Hawaii when I went it was cloudy/rainy the entire time I went except for one day.

    I am lucky because it was only a Stage 1 melanoma so besides having the mole removed and going back a second time to have more skin around it removed I don’t need any other treatment besides seeing a dermatologist for a skin check every 3 months. It had not spread far or gone to my lymph nodes. Eventually if I don’t have any more melanomas or suspicious moles the visits can be spaced out more. I had a full body check and the doctor took pictures of all my moles so they can be monitored for changes. There was nothing else he thought needed to be removed as from past photos I have had my other moles since I was a kid/teenager and they don’t bear any of the signs of skin cancer.

    Please check yourself over for new or strange looking moles and if you aren’t sure about something please see a doctor about it. I admit that I thought only white people could get skin cancer. Fair skinned white people with red or light hair have a high risk but anyone of any race or skin color can get it, no matter where they live. Practice sun safety. Wear sunscreen every day even if it is cloudy or rainy. Avoid tanning beds. Avoid the being out in the sun as much as possible between 10 am and 2 pm and if you need to be out for long periods of time cover up and wear a hat. Most importantly, check your skin regularly or see a dermatologist. It could save your life. If my mole had been even a quarter inch higher or lower and not irritated by my gym clothes I would have never noticed it and the cancer would have kept growing and spreading. Early detection saved my life and it could save yours.

    Have a great weekend all! (Links to follow with the ABCDE’s of melanoma)

    1. Skin cancer PSA*

      The ABCDE’s of melanoma:

      https://www.aad.org/public/spot-skin-cancer/learn-about-skin-cancer/detect/what-to-look-for

      A photo of a mole that looks like the one I had removed (I didn’t think to take a photo of mine because I had no clue it was cancer at the time). My skin is darker than the picture but the mole looks the same:

      https://www.google.ca/search?biw=1366&bih=695&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=nacjWqHgG5K0UO-8s-AK&q=stage+1+melanoma&oq=stage+1+melanoma&gs_l=psy-ab.3…61296.67374.0.67656.17.11.0.0.0.0.688.688.5-1.1.0….0…1c.1.64.psy-ab..16.1.688…0.0.xcsoOr1wYZM#imgdii=LIyjXi_1cuLTxM:&imgrc=lk3qh9MfVmb4sM:

    2. TL -*

      Adding on: Melanoma and other skin cancers are rarer in people with darker skin, but they are overall also more deadly. This is in part due to the fact that melanomas in darker skin are often caught at later stages, so treatments are less effective. It’s partly because we talk about sun risk in terms of burning and tanning and white skin.

      Use sunscreen; if you have moles or freckles, get a mole check every so often; and pay particular attention to the pads of your hands and feet and under your fingernails, as that’s often where melanomas on darker-skinned people are most easily observed. Go to the doctor for raised, large, irregularly shaped, multicolored, or bleeding moles. Or any time you’re concerned, really.

      Skin cancer PSA – glad it was caught early and you’re okay!

    3. Wrench Turner*

      I’m afraid of doctors, and am sure I have more than a few questionable spots, so this will be difficult. Also expensive just to visit. I have insurance through work, but it’s got a high deductible and it’s a roulette game of what I will pay a lot for.

    4. Red*

      I’m going to go ahead and second all of this. I go to a dermatologist for a skin check a couple times a year because my skin likes to make weird moles that look a lot like melanoma to the plain eye and you can’t tell what’s up without a microscope. Thankfully, it’s never actually been melanoma, but I am very familiar with having moles removed and it’s really not a bad procedure at all! It’s basically like nicking yourself while shaving, except there’s no blood and you don’t feel it – you just have a tiny bit of skin missing.

      My dermatologist is one of my favorite doctors, actually. She’s super quick about the visit, but takes time to answer any questions I have (including about sunscreen, eczema, self-harm scars, and even shampoo so far). Please go see a dermatologist, if you haven’t already.

    5. Veronica*

      Thank you for posting this! I’m very pale and from a desert climate, so I already know to keep an eye on my moles. But I wouldn’t be surprised if your PSA saves someone’s life!

  74. Ramona Flowers*

    Anyone out there who’s ambidextrous or mixed-handed who feels they learned to write with the wrong hand?

    I am mixed-handed, aka cross-dominant, meaning I can potentially favour either hand for a task. I didn’t fully realise this until I asked a friend: “You know when you try something new and you have to work out which hand is best?” and they said “Uh no, I just use my right hand?”

    I once joined a Facebook group for mixed-handed people and everyone posted a list of what they did with each hand. It was so interesting to see as everyone was slightly different. For example I am a right-handed guitarist (though that feels more left-friendly to me) but I play pool left-handed. I thought I was terrible with chopsticks for years until I thought to try with my left hand instead of right.

    I learned to write with my right hand – nobody made me but I guess I just copied everyone around me when I picked a hand. I’m now increasingly convinced I picked the wrong hand. In the past I’ve made comments like “I’m kind of ambidextrous but need to work on my left-handed writing” and people have misunderstood and thought I was making a joke – when of course you aren’t born with that motor function and spend years learning to write in school!

    I find it very hard to keep my writing neat and my hand tends to ache. I also hold my pen really weirdly in my right hand. If I pick up a pen with my left hand, I hold it the common way and my writing isn’t great but it looks like a ten-year-old’s and not, like, a four-year-old’s.

    So I’m wondering if it would be worth taking the time to practise and, I guess, making myself do handwriting exercises like kids do to build up my motor function in that hand. Anyone have any advice?

    1. Accidental Analyst*

      Not me but my mum. She tends to use a different hand for different tasks. We thought she might have been ambidextrous with a slight bias to the right. Going through her history though we now think she may have had a left bias. Mainly when she was younger she remembers the nuns giving her the ruler for writing with the wrong hand.

      If your hand aches when writing with your right it might be worthwhile practicing with the left. Maybe practice for x minutes at a time until a certain date. At the end check not only if your fluency and legibility has improved but if your having had issues. You’ll then know if it’s worth pursuing.

    2. TL -*

      I would do it! My grandfather was forced to write right-handed and to this day he is still grumpy about it and has terrible handwriting. Switch over and see if you like it.

      I don’t tend towards tasks (except for writing and pipetting, right handed, though I can use my left when it’s more convenient) in one hand or another – I’ll use whichever hand is most convenient (ie, my school computer is set up with a left-handed mouse so I use it with my left hand. If I’m sitting next to a left-handed person at a restaurant, I eat with my left hand; a right-handed person, my right hand.)

      I have no innate sense of right and left – I have to see which wrist my watch is on before I know. When I’m giving directions, people who know me look at which way I’m pointing and disregard what I’m saying entirely; there’s a 50% chance it’s the wrong word.

      1. nonegiven*

        I eat with the wrong hands. I cut with my left and use the fork in my right. I understand nobody else does that. I can’t handle the knife any other way without stabbing me or someone else.

      2. Stardust and northern lights*

        TL—

        I’m the same when it comes to being mixed up with left and right. My husband half jokingly says I should get tiny tattoos on my thumbs with an R and an L. Now I’m wondering if I’m slightly ambidextrous and that could actually make sense!

        1. traveller*

          If you hold your hand like you were wearing a mitten and look at the back of your hand, the forefinger and your thumb will form an “L” for Left!

          1. TL -*

            That does not work for me, or for my mom, who struggles in the same way. An L flipped the other way still registers as an L in my brain. (Why, yes, I can read things reflected in a mirror with very little difficulty!)

            When I was learning how to drive, I associated “right” with pushing the blinker stick up and “left” with pushing it down. Muscle memory set in quickly and then all I had to do was look at the arrow indicator to know which way to go – the instructor would often only give me a block of warning or so (in a city with no traffic) but it was not enough time for my brain to figure out LEFT, and then do all the driving stuff and be stressed about driving a car. So I just knew right=up, left=down, follow the arrow.

      3. Red*

        Wow, that’s… so much like me. I have absolutely zero sense of left and right. It was actually sort of awkward at my wedding; I simply could not figure out which hand to put my husband’s ring on! He actually had to tell me, right in front of the judge and our family, where it ought to go. And when giving directions, I say “driver’s side” and “passenger side” instead of right and left because I’ve had people get horribly lost before.

        1. TL -*

          Oh, I could see that happening to me! I have a scar on my right palm I got as a 5 or 6 yr old that looks like an umbrella handle, so worst comes to worst, I flip my hands over to find my scar, but it’s a good 5-10 seconds for me to puzzle through.

    3. nonegiven*

      I was told in the hospital that I was holding my baby with the wrong arm. It was the hand I use to write and not the left that felt more comfortable.

      Also, I left hand my mouse. Pretty sure the mouse thing was from starting Quickbooks for DOS and using left for the tab and right for the number pad. When I upgraded to windows, the mouse on the left felt easier to adapt to.

      I learned to knit from a lefty, so I wasn’t always doing it exactly by the book.

    5. Sled dog mama*

      So late to this but my mom is definitely. She writes left handed, and everything else is just whatever feels right, although her right handed hand writing is pretty good to. For me it’s questionable as to if it’s learned from her which hand or actually being ambidextrous, my daughter is definitely mixed, writing she has shown a slight right bias but everything else she does at least equally well right and left of not better to the left

    6. Florida*

      I’m right handed. I do almost everything with my right hand. The exceptions are that I eat with my left hand. It just makes more sense to keep the fork in your left hand, rather than constantly switching the knife and fork. I carry things in my left hand. Early in my career, I had a job where I needed to balance a plate and drink in my left hand and have my right hand available to shake hands. I guess I just stuck with it.
      Also, the once or twice that I’ve shot a rifle, I did it with my left hand. But I think that is because my left eye is better than my right, so it’s more and eye issue than a hand issue.
      I am not ambidextrous by any stretch. I definitely can’t write with my left hand.

    7. Hrovitnir*

      I’d never heard of “cross-dominant”, that’s really interesting. My partner used to write interchangeably with both hands as a kid until they made him choose. +1 to practicing with your left hand! Even if it doesn’t fully work out it’s worth it just out of interest IMO.

      I’m definitely right handed, but I am strongly left eye dominant so I shoot left handed, and I learnt to fight (muay thai) southpaw as part of an experiment by my coach basically (it’s great): those together plus a couple of other things mean I feel more comfortable doing some gross motor movements left… sided? Terrible fine motor control in my left hand though.

    8. Ron McDon*

      My mum was forced to write using her right hand as a child, even though she is left-handed; it seems there used to be real bias against having a dominant left hand in England.

      She always practiced and wrote with her left hand in private, and once she was older and left school she switched to writing with her left hand all the time.

      My sister is ambidextrous (can write with either hand) which she says came in handy when having to write long essays in exams! She favours writing left handed on a day to day basis.

      So yes, you can definitely train yourself to write left handed if you already have that ability, it just takes practice.

    9. Recovering Catholic*

      You knew this one was coming, didn’t you? I’m petty old (decidedly middle-aged) and had the misfortune of going to a Catholic grade school.

      In first grade my nun teacher made me sit on my left hand, and later tied it behind my back with string to the back of the seat in the desk, in order to force me to learn to write with my right hand. Before that I was pretty much ambidextrous and used both hands for everything. I think the nun meant well and didn’t know any better, but it kind of bugs me when I think about it. I find that I can draw and do artwork (like painting) with either my left or right hand, but handwriting is decidedly better with my right hand.

    10. Epsilon Delta*

      I am ambidextrous. I learned to write right handed originally but later I taught myself to write left-handed. It took a few months of practice to get good and a year or so for it to be natural. Give it a try!

  75. TiffIf*

    Has anyone watched Runaways on Hulu? Is it a good adaptation?
    I read the comics a number of years ago (might have been just the complete volume 1? can’t quite remember) and really liked it. I was excited to see they were making a tv show out of it.

    1. Aurion*

      I watched the first three episodes and enjoyed them. The caveat is that I hadn’t read the comics (but I have borrowed them from a friend, I just need to find some time to read them). The friend who loaned me the comics watched the episodes with me and commented that the kids’ traits were more exaggerated, but the parents get a lot more development, and overall I think it’s a good start.

  76. Jessen*

    My cat had 4 lumps removed from her stomach area yesterday. Now the only question is whether it’s gotten into the lymph system yet. The vet doesn’t seem to be hopeful, but we’re waiting on biopsy results.

    I would really, really like to swear right around now. I know these things will happen, but this was THE WORST timing for me, right when I’m trying to get away from crazypants family and get into my own place. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to start a giant fight once I get into my apartment, plus moving is a lot of money and so are cat surgeries…I can manage, but, well, I think I’ll schedule a nervous breakdown for Christmas.

    And now I feel like a jerk for thinking about myself when it’s the poor kitty had to get surgery. Honestly she seems happy enough though.

    1. Ramona Flowers*

      You’re not a jerk. You’re stressed. I’m sorry to hear it – good vibes and wishes to you and your kitty.

  77. I am still Furious!!*

    No real update on my divorce, still waiting on a settlement proposal. I’m not happy that STBEH wants to wait until February to get things moving! Ugh, just get this over with already.

    Here’s a tidbit you’ll enjoy: I noticed multiple blocked calls on my cell, and then finally he texted me (now blocked too) “call me”, no please, no about what, nothing. I purposely waited 6 days to call. I had a piece of mail, my new car insurance cards arrived, not sure why the PO didn’t forward them, but anyway…he literally said in a snarky tone “you could have called me sooner”. I said “good bye” and hung up. I don’t ever want to speak to him again, and while I know I’ll have to about something at some point, I hope it’s in writing. Jerk.

    On a happier note, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday, went to 3 separate meals, traveled to see my daughter, went to a college football game, and have plans for Christmas and the week after already. I’m just going to live my life, regardless of whether or not STBEH wants to cooperate or not.

    1. Wrench Turner*

      I look forward to reading the joys you find in Your Life, large and small, this coming year.

    2. Dan*

      The last sentence is the real key. The less you can make this about him (what he wants, what he’s doing, what he’s not doing, what he says, etc) the less he’ll get under your skin and the easier it will be for you to move on and enjoy life… regardless of how long the divorce actually takes.

    3. Purple snowdrop*

      Thanks for the update. I’m glad to hear you’re doing well and not letting him manipulate you any more.

  78. Chocolate Teapot*

    I was away last week and have returned home, needing to do several loads of washing. Unfortunately the Washing Line Hogger in my block of flats is out in force and it now appears there is a Washing Line Hoggeuse as well (based on what’s hanging up).

    Fingers crossed they will have realised that when something is dry, they can take it away. If not, I have to think of a way to use what little space there is.

    1. Wrench Turner*

      We have a folding dry rack that we use for delicate things. It was pretty cheap off Amazon and it folds away flat and disappears when not in use. It can hold about one full basket of clothes of all sizes works really well, especially if near a draft. We have too many birds to hang the wash outside. Also you’d be amazed at how many other uses it has when you need a place to dry or cool lighter weight objects. It can hold like 15 pies.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego (formerly Floundering Mander)*

        We have a collapsible rack for inside the house too. Combined with a dehumidifier it works quite well for drying clothes, plus the dehumidifier is just generally useful in a damp climate like this.

  79. Weekend depression gone, now trying to make up for lost time by any means necessary*

    Thanks for your help everybody! I think my lethargy is starting to drop off, largely because I’ve been trying to get myself to do more things on the weekend as you guys suggested. (Now I just have to get myself to stop vegging out on the Web as much during my regular-week downtime, because that’s become an ingrained bad habit :( ).

    The flip side is that I now realize how much my depression robbed me of energy and resolve over the last few years. I was productive in the workplace sense, but outside of work, my brain was covered in dark melancholy goo. This had a somewhat annoying side-effect.

    I’ve kinda lost my pop-culture pulse on the middle part of this decade. I now realize that the 2010s are about to end, and I have some serious catching up to do. My pop literacy is waaaaaaaaay down, and I need people to help me out big time before I miss the rest of the current zeitgeist.

    I used to know a lot about TV shows and movies, but haven’t really tried to watch anything other than Doctor Who and Rick & Morty. Which are both really good, but I know there’s other stuff out there. I’m just not sure what the relative quality of different shows is like. And I’ve only intermittently paid attention to movies since 2010.

    My knowledge of graphic novels and fantasy/sci-fi/steampunk/weird/horror fiction stops at about 2013, with The Golem and the Jinni (which I still haven’t finished… aargh).

    In addition, I’m trying to get back into anime and manga, after having stopped consuming either at ~2005. I’m looking at Crunchyroll’s series listings and I’m lost as all heck.

    I don’t mean to ask a lot of dumb questions, buuuuuuuuuuuut:
    -What good shows and movies were made over the last 5 years that I should catch up on?
    -What’s the current state of graphic novels and genre fiction? What are regarded as the decade’s greatest hits thus far?
    -Ditto for anime/manga.

    Sorry to bother everyone. Thanks again for all your help!

    1. Loopy*

      Definitely finish the Golem and the Jinni!!! I loved that book and it’s worth picking back up!!! And for fantasy books, I’d check out V.E Schwab (Victoria Schwab) and the Shades of Magic series. Sci-fi wise check out A long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers and it’s sequel. She’s amazing!!!

      For TV, I really loved Game of Thrones but it’s violent and not for everyone. Worth looking into, but I do have to recommend it with a caveat that some people find it way too graphic.

    2. Laura*

      If you’re into/ open to cartoons, “Legend of Korra” (and its mid-aughts predecessor “Avatar the Last Airbender” if you haven’t seen that one) is pretty good for the whole family.

    3. Lily Evans*

      For TV shows I recommend Stranger Things, Sense8, and Black Mirror (on Netflix), and Orphan Black (BBC America had it all streaming but I’m not sure if they still do). Riverdale on the CW is also a very popular horror show fandom right now but I can’t stand it personally, a lot of memes have come from it though so it’s worth knowing it exists I guess, haha.

    4. Litty*

      Why not try classic literature instead of pop culture? I go through periods of reading as much classic lit as I can, and it’s immensely satisfying and entertaining. Whereas, most of pop culture is rather mediocre.

    5. slmrlln*

      On Crunchyroll, you should definitely check out Food Wars and Yuri on Ice. I also love Sakura Quest and Flying Witch.

    6. Weekend depression gone, now trying to make up for lost time by any means necessary*

      Thanks for the suggestions everyone! Will definitely give them a try!

  80. Nervous Accountant*

    Is anyone familiar with minimally invasive cosmetic procedures? I know next to nothing about cosmetic procedures and in my teens & 20s I always said that I’d like to age gracefully. Welllllkl, I’m 32 now and that’s out the window lol. (Yay to never taking proper care of myself in my 20s ). My body may never be 21 (not that it was amazing then lol) but is it too much of a stretch now?

    I’m unhappy w my dark under eye circles and hollowness. I see a derm for other issues but we spoke about this and she told me about under eye fillers. I showed her a pic of me at 21 and she said The skin texture would look like that and it lasts 9-12 months. She quoted me $850. I’d still need a cream for the pigmentation. I’m looking to get it done in May, so I have a few months to decide.

    I know next to nothing. What are other options? Do I stick to her or find someone else? What would I even look for? Is that price reasonable? Anything I can do naturally to maintain or avoid worsening?

    1. Anono-me*

      I don’t know about the procedure, but it sounds like you would be more comfortable with a second opinion.

    2. ..Kat..*

      Are you willing to do this every 9-12 months? If you stop doing this, do you go back to looking the way you did? Or do you look a lot worse? What about getting an eye makeover at a cosmetics counter? Or Sephora if they exist where you live? Would this get you close to the look you want for cheaper? Google the procedure/fillers the dermatologist is talking about to learn more about the good and bad of what you are considering.

      Keep in mind that the “before “ pictures usually are without makeup and the “after” pictures are with professional makeup and lighting.

      If you do decide to get the procedure, don’t try to find the lowest price. You get what you pay for.

      Good luck.

    3. SS Express*

      I have dark circles – I haven’t had anything done yet but from what I’ve read fillers are the best/only real option. They really only treat the hollowness, but because it’s less hollow the darkness is less pronounced because there’s not as much actual shadow. Not sure what’s a reasonable price though, and anyway getting a second opinion is always a good idea.

      If you haven’t already tried it, a peach/orange concealer really does make a big difference to the appearance of dark circles. I’ve heard eye cream/serum with retinol or caffeine can help too for a less temporary solution – The Ordinary is a good brand for these, but I haven’t tried them myself yet.

      P.S. 32 is definitely not too old! I met a plastic surgeon recently (socially) and asked him a bunch of questions, and he said you don’t really need to think about things like botox and fillers and such until you’re in your early 30s (although of course, you don’t ever *need* to do it – but he said any younger than that and he would generally not treat you for another few years anyway).

  81. Mad at my spouse*

    How exactly does one communicate with one’s (rather sensitive) significant other what “the problem” is when you are pretty sure it’s partly their behavior and partly your meds making you sensitive to their behavior.
    My hubby has been a stay at home parent since our daughter was born (she’ll be 4 this spring). So he has spent a lot more time with her, and he’s just naturally more authoritative than I am (I do all the dog training but the dogs listen to him perfectly because he naturally has the I’m in charge body language). Our daughter does not listen to me very well (I tell her “here’s the shirt you picked out let’s put it on” it’s a 50/50 shot if I get ok and she puts the shirt on or she lets out an ear piercing scream and takes off running around the room giggling. Oh and god forbid I try to get her to do something in another room it just doesn’t happen. Hubby can, from downstairs, tell her to go pick out a shirt and put it on and she will. She gets upset when after asking twice I stop putting up with the running around the room and catch her then she screams bloody murder as I dress her. This always results in him coming running to comfort her and me getting mad because I believe he’s reinforcing you don’t have to listen to mommy. We’ve been having the same argument for 3 years.
    To top this off Yesterday I gave him a surprise early Christmas gift (locally made wooden spatula) that he’s mentioned several times he was on the lookout for and rather than saying thank you his response was to turn to our daughter and say “ I guess mommy really does want daddy to spend more time in the kitchen.” For context this is the man who insists that I send a thank you note for every gift ever (including thank you gifts from my employer). I was always taught that if you can offer a sincere and specific thank you in the moment (ie the gift has been opened and it was the only one given to you at the time) that is sufficient otherwise a thank you note should be sent. Also I was taught that you say thank you for any gift no matter if it’s something you’ve been longing for or the most hideous tchotchke you’ve ever seen (which is why my mother in law gets a thank you note for the paisley shirts she sends me for my birthday that are a pain to exchange).
    Tldr: hubby is being something of an idiot and making me mad and I mostly need to vent.

    1. Anono-me*

      I don’t think the medical issue is relevant and I don’t think you are being overly sensitive. What you describe sounds to me like valid concerns.
      I also think if you have been having the same argument about him undermining you as a parent, something else needs to be tried. Possibly some type of family or parenting counseling or therapy.
      It does sound as if your husband may also have some resentment that is clouding things.

    2. Book Lover*

      The behavioral stuff with your daughter seems pretty normal, though you shouldn’t have to keep telling him not to get into the middle when you are with her.

      The spatula thing sounds just mean and weird. It sounds like it was something he wanted, but instead of saying thank you or telling you that actually he didn’t really want it, he said something passive aggressive to your daughter. That is really weird and likely not helpful for your relationship with her. I second counseling, it sounds like there is something quite wrong in your relationship right now and waiting longer will likely just make things worse.

    3. Mad with my spouse*

      Thanks, as I was typing this I kept thinking “wow this is petty” it helps to have an outside perspective

    4. Ann O.*

      It sounds like there are deeper issues with balance of roles going on here. You say you and your hubby have been having the same argument for 3 years, but not what exactly the argument is (my guess is you want him to not interfere/he wants to calm down the daughter). This makes it hard to know whether hubby is being an idiot or whether this is a conflict of mutually understandable, but conflicting needs.

      The Christmas present comment sounds suggestive of him having mixed feelings about his SAHD role, which would be pretty normal. Many SAHPs have mixed feelings. That could be a total misread, of course, since I know very little about your dynamics.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, I read deeper issues also.

        One thing it looks like you guys are not on the same parenting page. He seems to be teaching your daughter to ignore you or what you say.

        Because it’s been going on for three years, that means to me that as a couple you guys are stuck, like in a rut.

        While he is wearing on you, it could be that you are wearing on him also.
        Perhaps couples counseling might be a good idea. You could present it as, “I would like us to stop arguing over the same things all the time. I would like us to find new solutions to old problems so that we can have a happier life together.” When the same old arguments come up, you can say, “See, this is what I mean. I think there is a path out of these old arguments and i think we can find that path together.”

    5. Grumpy bear*

      My four year old knows what things irritate each of us and can press our buttons like nobody’s business. So it could be that she knows that you have a shorter fuse regarding getting dressed and that’s why she acts up for you but not your husband around that. For what it’s worth, getting dressed is sometimes easy and sometimes not in our household, too, and if getting dressed goes well then hairbrushing doesn’t, or teeth brushing, or something else. There’s almost always something.

      It could also be that because your husband is at home and does some of this stuff more often, that him asking is part of her routine in a way that you asking isn’t. Kids can get very attached to a certain way of doing things, even if there’s no material difference between you asking and him asking. Maybe try watching the way they interact when it goes successfully and see if he asks in a different way to you (“After you finish your puzzle, could you go pick out a shirt and put it on please” in comparison to “Let’s put on your shirt now”), or if she always wants to do things in a certain order. In our house, we do not brush teeth before hair and woe betide anyone who tries otherwise.

      As for your husband running to comfort her, I can see how that’s frustrating for you. But for some possible perspective from the other side, there are times when I just can’t handle hearing crying/whining/wordless fussing noises for one. more. second. Even if there is a larger lesson at stake I will do what I can to settle the upset child because it’s that or I will snap. It does frustrate my husband sometimes and it is probably unfair of me, but in those moments all I can think is ‘I’ve already done this half a dozen times today, I just don’t have the energy to draw it out. You’re the one who upset the equilibrium here dude.’ If it’s that kind of situation, it might be easier if you can arrange things so he’s not within hearing distance when you’re doing that part of the routine?

      But the lack of thank you for the gift definitely sounds passive aggressive and rude, which is not nice to be on the other side of. For what it’s worth, when I’m feeling burnt-out about being the designated caretaker of the family, my husband definitely becomes the target of my frustrations. So maybe it’s that?

      Sorry for the novel, I hope some part of it helped. Internet hugs if you’d like them.

  82. Elizabeth West*

    We have a non-profit indie cinema here that shows art-house films and stuff that none of the big cinemas would get. I have a ticket to go see Loving Vincent tomorrow! That’s the film about the death of Van Gogh made of animated paintings. The score is by Clint Mansell, whom I adore, so it should be excellent, although I suspect I will need lots of tissue LOL.

    1. persimmon*

      I saw this last week! It was cool-looking, but unfortunately the animation style gave me a headache. Hopefully you won’t have that issue.

    1. Observer*

      It sounds like time for a competent therapist. If your assumption is true, then you need to figure out why that’s the case and how to deal with it. It certainly is not an immutable part of who you are. On the other hand if your assumption is NOT correct, then you need to figure out WHY you feel this way and, more importantly, how to deal with this assumption. It’s easy for me to say that you should just ignore that feeling, but it’s much harder to do that, so get some help.

      To be honest, I fairly sure that you are NOT annoying people whenever you talk to them.

      1. Sundayyy*

        I think it’s because I’m annoyed when other people talk to me so I assume I’m doing the same. Like, my roommates will ask me, what are you eating? Why are you eating that? Do you always eat that? And I’m like, oh my god I just woke up leave me alone.

        Or like people will ask me how my weekend was and I’m like I literally didn’t do anything but watch Netflix and they’re like, why didn’t you do anything? Didn’t you want to go do xyz? Etc.

        So when I talk to people, I try to avoid talking too much because I feel like showing interest is being intrusive. Or they probably have something else they want to do and I’m keeping them from it.

        1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

          I may be misreading this, but what you are describing is small talk.
          It’s a skill to learn and not everyone gets it right, or even at all.
          Some of the wording you use for your roommates is a little unusual (a little third degree), but “how was your weekend? Oh I thought you wanted to do xyz?” is a normal part of conversation and showing an interest is how we make friends – sharing an interest is how a lot of friendships start, and, unless you are Charles Xavier, you’re probably not psychic, so making small talk has to be done instead.

        2. nep*

          OK well that kind of talk/questioning from people around me would drive me freaking nuts. (I’m not into small talk much anyway — and really if it’s the way you describe it, it’s over the top. My take.)
          I wouldn’t assume you’re annoying people if you don’t ask a million petty questions like that.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          I find that annoying when people repeat themselves on a regular basis. Such as the eating questions.
          Tell them “you asked me that yesterday, too.”

          As far as the how was your weekend question, people are just trying to be polite. Tell them “fine” even if that means nothing rotten happened but nothing exciting/happy happened either. Then shift the conversation back to them, “and how was your weekend”?

          I know people annoy me the most when I do not have enough rest. So when this annoyance comes up, I blame myself and let it go.

      2. Sundayyy*

        You know what the honest truth is now I’m thinking of it — I don’t trust people to set their own boundaries. I feel like people get annoyed and put up with it and go, “God, soandso is so annoying,” rather than be like, “I don’t want to talk right now.” That’s really what it is. So I’m like having to guess all the time if they actually want to talk to me or not because they’re trying to be “polite.”

          1. Sundayyy*

            They say that to me about other people. So they’re probably saying that to other people about me too.

            2. fposte*

              Well, one possibility is that you and your circle of acquaintances need to look outward a little more and shake up your habits. A lot of people don’t talk so much about other people being annoying–maybe start finding some of those.

              But here’s the thing about annoyance: we’re all annoying. We all have people we annoy. It’s not the end of the world; the goal isn’t to go through live making sure nobody is ever annoyed. Here’s the math as I see it:
              a person could be annoyed that you’re talking to them, but that person wasn’t excited about knowing you so it’s not like their being annoyed changes anything.
              or
              a person could be annoyed and hurt that you’re *not* talking to them, because they put themselves out there to talk to you and found you interesting but you’re not reciprocating.
              or
              a person could be pleased that you *are* talking to them, because they like talking to you.

              It seems to me that not talking to people is the option with the least possible gain and the highest risk of loss here. It feels the safest because it’s passive, but that’s because of stress brain, not because passivity is the best course of action. If you stay kind, offer interest in what other people have to say, keep conversations proportionate in length and depth to the situation and the relationship, you’ll have a better chance of finding the friends you want, and you won’t annoy any more people than anybody else does or for any reasons you need to feel bad about.

        2. nep*

          If you go with people’s leads and listen as much as or more than you talk, I think you’re good.
          Can you give an example of a scenario in which you’re wondering whether people want to talk with you? Only when you initiate it? Do you mean at work or among friends? If you’re out for coffee with a friend, I would think chatting is inherently part of the outing.

  85. non*

    vent of the day: my mom’s 3 kids (me included) all have successful lives where we live in great areas and cover all of our expenses with pretty good jobs. however, she can’t stop bringing it up that we all live very far (two of us a plane ride at the minimum), and all she does is talk about how her life is horrible, and she “lives in a prison.”

    keep in mind “in a prison” includes: 40 minutes away from a super interesting city, she owns a horse, and she went on 3 international vacations this year.

    I suggested to her if maybe instead of going on vacation, she pooled the money to get a second house nearer at least 2 of her children. she scowled at me, then said: “You don’t understand. It’s so hard!”

    ????????

    Sometimes she’ll talk about how much she hates the house (where she raised us). It’s a 4bed/2.5 bath with a spacious backyard, aboveground pool, on a cul-de-sac. Also she has *two* rooms that were converted to her hobby rooms. When I’m feeling snippy, I usually tell her I’ll trade her my 600 sq ft studio that I pay an extortionate amount of rent for, if she wants.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Sounds familiar, though with slightly different overtones. I’m guessing she’s the type who doesn’t want to put the effort into making friends or keeping up with acquaintances, and she expects people to come to her all the time? Frustrating.

    2. fposte*

      It sounds like there might be something else going on there. What about approaching it differently and less literally. “Mom, it sounds like you’re really unhappy with your life. What do you want to change? If you don’t make that change, do you think you can find a way to be happier with it?” It also sounds like therapy wouldn’t be amiss there–do you think she’d go?

      Separate the economic questions out of it, and it sounds like somebody who’s really pretty miserable, which money can’t buy you out of. Alternatively, if she’s just somebody who wants an audience for complaining, bouncing it back to her for an action plan can make that a less rewarding habit.

      1. Weekend Warrior*

        Along the same lines, it can be really freeing just to acknowledge her expressed feeling without a) offering solutions which she’ll shoot down or even b) questions which she will receive negatively. Try just saying “Mom, it sounds like you’re really unhappy with your life” and stop there. Maybe change the subject completely. The chronic complainer will usually be stopped short (and may be mad at your failure to engage at least at first). New rules of conversation will develop. You will feel great relief. Ask me how I know!

        1. non*

          Maybe I didn’t do it as approach ably as I could, but I’ve definitely asked if there’s anything I can do. Usually this has her give me a pleading look and she says “I just wish I could see my children more.”

          1. Weekend Warrior*

            And it would be fine just to affirm her legitimate feeling without trying to solve a problem for her. Just say ” I know you do, Mom.” Although we all feel we need to default to Solution Girl due to guilt or whatever, it’s actually a real gift to let our parents or children or friends express sad or uncomfortable feelings and for us to just listen. East to say but hard yo do, of course, but so worth it when we can change our rescuer pattern, :)

          2. Not So NewReader*

            I agree with Weekend Warrior. Just acknowledge the wish.

            From what I have seen some parents just never stop saying this. A really good example was my MIL, we could go over there multiple times a week and it was not enough.

            When she is not talking about this perhaps you can help her collect up ideas of new things to try to fill up her time. Bluntly stated, her adult kids cannot be responsible for filling up her days with THEIR lives. It’s up to her to plan her time and fill her days.

            I know that this wish to see the kids gets to be a broken record that you cannot fix. My suggestion is to teach yourself not to absorb any guilt over this. She is an adult just like you. And just as you are responsible for your own day-to-day stuff, she is responsible for her own day-to-day stuff.

            I have an older neighbor who has learned to use Skype to talk to her new grandbaby. She is thrilled. She does not use the computer for anything else but she knows how to use Skype. Maybe something like this would help her to feel more included in your lives.

            1. blackcat*

              +1

              I’ve used the “I’m sorry you feel that way.” non-apology when my mom complains about not seeing me. My dad has always supported me 100% in moving wherever I want, but my mom and brother are serious guilt-trippers. Just after my first year of college college, my brother screamed at me because I “never came home” and that was “too hard” on our mom. That was the last time I came home for more than 6 days. Ever. For the rest of my college career, I got summer jobs on the other side of the country (or, in one summer, on another continent). I have happily lived >2500 miles away for the last 12 years, with 2 5 day visits a year. My brother still lives with my parents, and my mom loves that. And you know what my dad does when he wants to see me? HE VISITS ME! Or he suggests that we both go visit his parents at the same time (short flight for me, long flight for him). My mom won’t get on the 5-6 hour flight to cross the country. And then my mom complains that he sees so much more of me, to both him and me.

              She’s managed to piss me off enough–even at a young age–that I completely viewed her feelings as 100% not my problem. At the time, I thought that was just because she pissed me off, but as I got older, I saw that that’s actually a healthy view. It’s not a child’s job to manage their parents’ feelings, even with a grown child. I’m not mean to my mom or anything like that, but her feelings are very much not my responsibility. I feel a bit bad when I know she makes my dad’s life harder, but, similarly, their marriage isn’t my business, either.

    3. Pixel*

      Reading this made me irritated at your mom and wanting to slap sense into here, only because I can relate to it with my mom.
      At some point, I just started going uh huh, yeah that is sad.,.. without bringing up any ( very obvious) solutions. Or repeating the same thing” you’re welcome to come over”, and tune out, not invest emotionally to the ” I can’t because…”
      If she says that it’s so hard, and you don’t understand, ask her what is so hard about it?

  86. Purple Snowdrop*

    Just to say I’m here. I’m struggling and I’m off work but I’ll get there.
    I keep saying I’ll write more next week, I mean it at the time :-/

    1. AnonAndOn*

      Just a sentence from you is enough if you don’t always feel like sharing or feel you don’t have anything to share. I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling but am glad to know you are here.

      1. Effie, who is worth it*

        This. Take care of yourself, Purple Snowdrop. We’ll be here when you’re ready.

  87. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I am finally sitting down after a morning of cleaning, laundry, shopping and food prep. All helped by my awesome new wireless headphones (an early Chanukah present!) so it’s not so bad. My recovering knee, which was great this morning, is now smarting. So I sit.

    I’m on the fourth week of my second round of Weight Watchers, and I gained weight last week (understandable; it was an unusually busy week and we ate out four times and I did not make good choices). Weight Watchers introduced a new system the other night, and while I’m pleased it’s more vegetarian-friendly (beans, eggs, and tofu are among the new zero-point foods), I’m not really sure how it will work. I can now have more than one egg if I want to, and as many lentils… but I feel like I can put back a whole lot of lentils. Anyone else doing WW? I’m curious about others’ take on it.

    1. Dear Liza dear liza*

      I did really well on Points Plus but didn’t like the Smart points. As someone else said, it felt like “ nanny” points. I do okay when I cut down on sugar but trying to get me to nearly eliminate it- nope. I think the new system is supposed to be a bit more reality-based. I don’t know. I keep paying the money but I rarely use the site…

    2. Victoria, Please*

      Another new system? Already? Gee, WW. I guess the Smart Points were a little too draconian.

      I did fairly well with Points Plus, but could not handle smart points. Also, I was *pissed* when I signed on last time and the first thing they asked me in the online questionnaire was “Are you a lady or a fella?” ….I know they need to know if people’s physiology is more close to female or male, but there are non-condescending, non-offensive ways to ask!

  88. Mark M*

    Serious question – just for fun/curiosity. If you don’t mind thinking a bit. Can you figure out the 17th letter of the alphabet without moving your body at all? If you are able to do it, how did you figure it out?

    1. fposte*

      I know M is the thirteenth and thus the end of the first half, so I just counted forward from there. Though back when I was doing long distance driving more often I used to translate the letters on the signs to their alphabet numbers and vice versa to keep my mind occupied—I probably wouldn’t have needed to count then.

      1. fposte*

        It’s funny to me that several other people knew that M was the halfway point, since that was a struggle for me as a youngster–M just seemed to “belong” to the second half of the alphabet to me.

    2. Veronica*

      Yes. For some bizarre reason, I just know that M is the thirteenth letter of the alphabet. From there, it was easy to count up in my head to the 17th letter. I did blink a couple of times while thinking, though. Can I ask where this question came from?

    3. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

      I think I’ve got the right answer. Had hubby check that nothing moved (apart from blinking, involuntarily).
      I know what the 7th letter is, and I can “add” five letters from there, and five again, by visualising the letters – a bit like Sherlock’s mind palace. Only in bunches of five for some reason…

    4. CAA*

      I know that the first half of the alphabet ends at M and there are 26 letters, so M must be the 13th. 17-13=4 and I can easily recite the next 4 letters from M in my head without moving my lips or fingers.

      I imagine that if you didn’t know that M/N is the half-way point of the English alphabet, this would be much harder.

    5. Annie Mouse*

      That was far harder than it should have been!! I forgot that M was number 13 until I got nearly to it. I counted A-1, B-2 etc until I got to 17.

    7. TL -*

      I can just think A – thumb b-pointer c-middle.
      Have to concentrate a little more but I don’t have to move anything.
      Though the first time I did it, I realized I was blinking with every letter.

    10. Dear Liza dear liza*

      I know the alphabet backwards (thanks, years of shelving Library books) so I started at z and went backwards in groups of 3.

    12. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I just saw them both in my head: A-1 B-2 C-3, although in my head the letters were above the numbers, and I heard the letters in my head.

      This reminds me a little bit of my system to count up to 1023 on both hands! I got pretty good at it, so I could do it without thinking about it. I just used binary, and bent down a finger for 1. I just had to practice it a lot at first until it became natural.

    13. Ex-Academic, Future Accountant*

      I imagined moving my fingers without actually moving them. :D

      Reminds me of that thing where you’re counting things on a computer screen, but it’s far away (or you just don’t want to touch it), so you move your finger as though you’re counting the things, but your finger is on a table, or on your knee, or something. But even though you’re not really pointing at the things, it helps you keep track of them.…Or is that just me?

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I tried to do this but found I couldn’t keep track unless I flexed them a tiny bit!

    14. Grumpy bear*

      I know that M/N is the mid point and I visualise the next few letters and count along the ‘row’.

    15. Red Reader*

      I can’t visualize. Like, literally, I am not capable of it, I have no visual imagination at all. So when I’m doing stuff like you describe, I write it down or, if I can’t, I’m told my eyes actually roll up like I’m looking at the ceiling and I alternate raising my eyebrows. Like M is 13, right eyebrow goes up. N is 14, right comes down and left goes up, and so on.

      Much less of a spectacle if I just write it down :-P

        1. Red Reader*

          Yep, it was a huge mindf**k when I first started reading articles a couple years ago. I went out to the living room and asked my husband and housemate, “When someone says picture a warm sunny beach, do you like …. actually SEE stuff? That’s hyperbole, right?” and they were like “Uh, no? Totally pictures.” Mind blown.

          And then theirs were too. “Wait, you don’t see anything? Like, no mental pictures?” “Nope, inside of my eyelids.”

          In retrospect, it does explain a lot of factors though. Would love an aphantasia discussion earlier in next week’s open thread, if people are interested :)

    16. New BeeNew*

      I know my name starts with the 10th letter of the alphabet and just mentally counted from there.

  89. Menacia*

    Well we got screwed again by SIL. Hubby called his Mom to invite her for Xmas day dinner and SIL was there and invited herself and asinine husband! Of course there was no offer to bring anything and they won’t (as per usual). I would be mortified to show up at someone’s door empty-handed but she has made an art-form. I’m already changing the dinner menu so that I don’t kill myself making anything special and I will not be providing any alcohol, even though I was looking forward to a nice glass of wine or two. I’ll make sure to enjoy my wine on SIL-free Xmas Eve.

    Rant over.

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Are these the ones that came over with their obnoxious dog and cried when the turkey was carved because you’d murdered a bird? Or was that someone else?

      Either way, I’m sorry. May your dinner be short and your guests go home early, so you can drink as much wine after they leave as you want.

  90. nep*

    Did anyone hear the This American Life program with the theme ‘My Undesirable Talent’ — specifically the act about the young man who pretended to be born in Uganda instead of US-born of Ugandan parents?
    That one really irked me — not just the jack-assery of this young man. There were parts of the writing that were just a bit of a stretch and just didn’t work for me. I did like the wrap at the end when the reporter talked about ‘the lie one can control’ as opposed to the lie others dictate. But other than that, that act had me groaning.

    1. TiffIf*

      I happened to hear part of it while I was in the car, I think somewhere near the beginning of it, I turned it off because of the jack-assery present in just what I heard. I’ve got better things to waste my time on.

    2. nep*

      Just want to note: I am a big fan of This American Life — I think they all do brilliant work. It was quite out of the ordinary not to like an act. But in any case, as always good food for thought.

  91. Splurge workout leggings?*

    My sister has asked for “leggings to run in.” She’s a 30 y/o career-switcher who will finish her grad program in May and who has over the past 2 years or so lost 80lbs (down to a healthy thin, which is smaller than she was in high school when she was slightly overweight but not much). She mostly walk/jogs, and will occasionally yoga/use the elliptical at the gym.

    She’s a broke grad student. I could get her what she usually wears, which is old navy workout clothes, but I want to splurge on her a bit. I know Lululemon is the go-to brand of $$$ workout wear, but is it what I should buy? What style?

    If there are “as good as Lulu” brands, what are they? I might get that + a top of some kind.

    And finally, if she’s a “small” (her words, I think she’s a 4/6 US) in things like old navy and gap, would she be a lulu small?

    2. Book Lover*

      Athleta? I like those and they are not see through when stretched. Some nice patterns. They have good sizing info on the website.

      1. Awkward Interviewee*

        Seconding Athleta. It’s owned by the same company that owns gap/old navy. Pricier/nicer than old navy but not quite as pricy as lulu I don’t think. The Athleta pieces I have (I only buy Athleta items if they’re on sale) I really like. My Athleta running capris have plentiful pockets, are really comfy, and not see through.

    3. Helpful*

      Athletic brands like Under Armour and Brooks would also be a good bet. Running tights should last years if washed properly. She’d probably prefer a high waisted style after weight loss to keep everything in place.

      Read the reviews and avoid any where people complain about them getting stretched out.

      Fyi: Capris are good for gym workouts whereas full-length is good for outdoor, cold-weather running.

    4. Effie, who is worth it*

      Zella is Nordstrom’s brand and is comparable to Lululemon (minus the see-through-ness controversy). Nordstrom also has the best return/exchange policy if you’re worried about sizing. If she’s a small in Old Navy, she’d be a small in Zella too.

    5. Effie, who is worth it*

      Ooh, I just had another thought! If you really want to splurge, CWX has AMAZING compression leggings that provide really nice support while exercising. I like the Stabilyx best because they provide knee joint support but look on their website for other options/info.

      Under Armour’s cotton line is really nice and cost-effective (so you could buy more than one set, I guess :) )

      tasc Performance Wear is amazing, it’s made of cotton from bamboo so it has built-in anti-odor and sun protection and is really comfortable and good quality; it keeps its shape really well. It’s good for running and yoga. A bit on the pricier side but so worth it.

    6. Raine*

      I personally prefer Alo, they are a yoga specific brand and can get pretty pricey but they offer great compression and support, as well as always being wonderfully high waisted. Fabletics is my go to when I don’t have the money for Alo. I run and do different kinds of dance and have never had problems with sheerness or durability of either brand.

      1. Effie, who is worth it*

        Alo is amazing. Their airbrushed leggings/capris make you look, well, airbrushed. No lie!

    7. Grumpy*

      Lulu is controversial but they stay in business because their basics are well thought out and tend to hold up. They’re crazy but in my experience their running stuff is, overall, better than most. Sizes 6 and 8 in non-insane patterns tend to sell out quickly despite the high prices.
      Try Speed Up tights that have a drawstring and sensible pockets (UA tend to not have the drawstring) and also reflective bits on the cuffs. They can be tight in the calves at first but they get better over time.
      I’ve heard good things about Oiselle too.

    8. CheeryO*

      Just in case you’re still checking, this runner votes Oiselle over Lulu. Sugoi also makes amazing tights if she needs something warm for the winter (the mid-zero is plenty warm for teens and 20s F in my experience). I also really like Girlfriend Collective – they’re ethically-produced and sooo soft and comfortable. More high-waisted than typical running leggings, though.

    9. swingbattabatta*

      I like Zella. Lululemon is (in my opinion) more of a yoga-wear company, doesn’t hold up well with friction.

  92. Ramona Flowers*

    My cat has a new obsession with towels. Drop a towel on the floor? A cat will appear and sit on it. Throw a damp, grubby towel out of the bathroom door planning to take it downstairs when you’re done cleaning the bathroom? A cat will appear and sit on it, lie on it and do an array of yoga poses on it.

    He is also obsessed with a cardigan of mine that has a slight towelling feel to it. We even found him trying to pull it out of the laundry pile.

    Last night he came in wet from the rain and I was drying him with a towel and put it down so he would walk on it a bit and dry his feet while walking to his food bowl. He is now obsessed with this towel and has spent hours and hours sitting on it. However, he won’t eat while on the towel. He started approaching his food bowl from the other side until we moved the towel further away.

    It needs a wash but I can’t quite bring myself to pick it up.

    Cats are weird!

    1. Lcsa99*

      That’s so funny. We have a cat that’s obsessed with any sort of fabric like that. He will disdain any sort of cat bed, but any towel, shirt, or even fabric swatches he finds on the floor he will joyfully sit on. Even if it’s too crumpled up for his big furry butt.

      My mother had a cat that adopted her Angora sweater. It was all white like he was, so we assume he thought it was another cat. It was hilarious because he would attempt to carry it around in his mouth, but since it was bigger than he was, it would get between his legs and he’d sorta have to walk bow legged to get it anywhere.

  93. nep*

    Saw a recipe this week for lentil-sweet potato loaf. Has anyone made / tasted this? It sounds heavenly. I’ll be giving it a shot next weekend.

  94. housing crisis*

    I took a look at some apartments this week — I could go up in budget a bit and still be very comfortable, and I figured if I was going to pay to rent for a while longer I might as well get a nice place. But boy, it was clear these new apartments were very poorly constructed compared to where I am now, and I’d be trading my beautiful southern valley view for… someone else’s living room and a drab parking lot. No thank you!

    So I’ve opted to stay put and be thankful for what I have and hope that I get solid raises over the next few years/the market falls. I will set aside a bit each month for a moving/housing fund, and I’ll increase that as my take-home pay (hopefully) increase. I took some of the money I had earmarked for potentially moving and re-invested it in my current apartment: a new area rug, a new coffee table is on order, new curtain rods (thank you Target for making tension-rod curtain rods that look almost like regular ones!), a new throw for the couch and some storage totes.

    1. AnonAndOn*

      “So I’ve opted to stay put and be thankful for what I have…”

      That’s a good attitude to have. Saving up is a good plan as is working with what you already have.

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