{ 1,146 comments… read them below }

  1. Might Be Spam*

    The new tenant who shares the garage with me scraped the side of my car yesterday. She doesn’t want to involve the insurance company and offered to pay for the repair. Is this a bad idea and what pitfalls do I need to be aware of?
    How long can I wait before involving the insurance company?

    1. Jess*

      Bad idea. I don’t know a lot about insurance but I’ve read enough notalwaysright stories to know it is a bad idea.

      1. Artemesia*

        I would get estimates from two place immediately and present those bills immediately — if they write a check, fine. Otherwise get the insurance companies involved and you can’t wait too long to do that. The problem is when someone makes this offer and has no idea it is going to cost $1500 to get it done and you have waited too long.

    2. banoffee pie*

      idk about the US but here (UK) if you go through the insurance company, even for something small, it can put your premiums up. So I don’t do it. But there could be good reasons why you should use your insurance, I’m not an expert.

      1. RagingADHD*

        That is true in the US as well, which is probably why the neighbor wants to avoid it. But if the whole side panel of the car needs replacing, they could wind up with a much bigger bill than they anticipated.

      2. Laura Petrie*

        Technically speaking, in the UK, you’re obliged to report any accident your car is involved in to your insurer. Even if you’re not making a claim via your own or the third party’s insurer. Not reporting accidents, however minor, can invalidate your cover.

    3. Jackalope*

      It depends on how much it costs for the repair. I’ve gone that route a few times and did the out of pocket option instead of us involving insurance and it worked out okay, but it could also turn bad. A lot of it depends on how bad the accident was. It helps that she lives nearby so can’t disappear on you as easily. But you’d still want to make sure to get her info (including things like license plate # and such).

    4. Anono-me*

      I would start by getting an estimate at the dealership for repairs to the car. (You don’t have to use them. But dealership estimates tend to be a pretty though. ) Most people significantly underestimate the cost of ‘a little scrape’. For example, sometimes more than just the part that was damaged needs to be repainted due to fading of neighboring sections.

      Once you have a ballpark idea of the funds involved; that may help you decide if you want your insurance involved or not.

      You might want to talk to your insurance agent and see if they have any advice and what the rules/laws/policy requirements are in your location. Mine was very helpful when I was considering it.

      Ultimately, the out of pocket option was too expensive for the person. So that was the end of my experience.

      I don’t know that I would have considered a private deal with someone that I didn’t know and trust well.

    5. Blomma*

      It can be fine, but get an estimate first because it might cost more than your neighbor is anticipating. Also, if you will need a rental while your car is in the shop, typically that would be covered as part of an insurance claim, so your neighbor should technically pay that too.

    6. jtr*

      I’ve had a student’s grandparent back into my car with his trailer hitch outside the school. He wanted to just pay for it himself, so I took the car to his mechanic, whose estimate made him decide to go the insurance route. It costs a ridiculous amount to fix even the smallest, stupidest things. Plus, the part needed took several weeks, and the insurance paid for a rental, where I would have been a little uncomfortable asking him to do it.

      I would probably have a written agreement put together if you do decide to go that route just to be sure you are both satisfied with the outcome and don’t feel taken in any way.

      1. Christmas cookie*

        This is how I’ve handled it. In my state (MA) insurance points skyrocket your insurance.

        I’ve offered to pay out of pocket after getting a quote. I put a credit card on file with the replace place so the other person can be assured it will be paid for.

        Once it was for bumper damage (about a wash between insurance and cash, but no points, which at the time with my driving record would have raised my rate hundreds per year for 5 years). Once I backed up into someone and had a newborn and 2 screaming kids in the car. The dude felt SO BAD for me. I think it was about $600 in scrapes and dings. That dude was a saint. I want to look up his info and send him a Christmas card now, ha!

        1. JSPA*

          That’s how I handled it, and recommend it. I let the other person suggest a shop for their car, checked the shop’s online ratings (excellent!), then gave the credit card to the shop and asked them to put a pre-approval on the card for the estimated total. And left a tip in advance, thus not dependent on the total, as well.

          That way, nobody had to worry during the process.

          If the shop had been dodgy, I might have sought some other path.

    7. Cordelia*

      I’ve done this before and it’s been fine (in the UK) – I’ve both paid out of pocket for a similar-sounding scrape I caused to a neighbours car, and had someone arrange the repairs and pay when they hit my car. Less hassle for each of us, each time, and no-one’s insurance premiums went up.
      Perhaps get her to put something in writing for you, just to say she caused the damage and is agreeing to pay for repairs by a certain date

    8. Asenath*

      I did it once, and it worked out fine. A lot depends on the cost of the repair (as well of course as the person you’re dealing with). If it’s pretty minor, it’s often preferable to just pay for and repair the damage, not getting into a possibility of the insurance rates going up for something that’s largely covered by the deductible anyway. One thing to remember is that in some places (mine, for example) every vehicle accident that results in damage over a certain amount must be reported to the police – plus of course any accident involving injury. Since the damage amount hasn’t changed in years and the cost of car repairs has risen, this means that even if you are fixing quite minor damage due to an accident it needs to be reported to the police (who generally have far more serious accidents to worry about, but will take a report because that’s the law). But for a minor scrape – yeah, paying for the damage personally is fairly common. No police and no insurance claim.

    9. The Dogman*

      Get it done at your dealership or a trusted garage so you know they will do it right and have her pay for it?

      In the UK that is normal for small bumps and scrapes as the insurance corporations are scummy about jacking up prices the following year usually.

      Good luck!

    10. Not So NewReader*

      She shares the garage with you?
      I’d also be concerned about building a plan to prevent further occurrences. A gentler way of saying this is to tell her that next time it could be you who scrapes her car. This could involve putting a light weight partition between the two cars. But I have also seen people do clever things with a rope or string. They hang it from the ceiling and the driver knows if the string moves, (very visual warning) then they are too close to the other car or object. You can attach something to the end of the string to help make it really visible- such as a silk flower or a small toy.

      1. JSPA*

        You could possibly get for yourself, and also give her, for her car, a flexible flag (like one of the bicycle “three feet to pass” flags–4 feet, in some states). Rig it to stick out by the door post, or from the trunk, or from the hood, whatever angle you think is most helpful. Don’t claim a full three feet, if that’s not at all reasonable…but give other drivers something to sight on, as they park. Being scrupulous about being “in the lines” and well aligned when you park can also help.

        None of it will prevent damage if someone is seriously impaired / should not be driving. But a lot of people are not as up to date on their glasses prescriptions as they should be, are extra stressed, extra exhausted, working with a less oxygen, are less able to muster full concentration, or are in more despair than they were two years ago. Making it easy for people who intend to do their best, to succeed, is a win-win.

        1. fposte*

          I just found another possibility, since I’m looking for something to guide me out of my narrow garage door now that I have a new wider car and this thread prompted an idea. There are safety teardrop banners for schools with weighted bases (or bases you can fill to weight, I guess); you could put one of those along the line between the cars. I’m going to try one of those for me.

    11. Akcipitrokulo*

      Depends – mainly on whether there is hidden damage. If you get it examind by mechanic & get quote, you’ll be making informed decision.

    12. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Agree with the others to get an estimate before proceeding either way. I can understand the neighbor not wanting to go through insurance. I might have told the story before, but once I put in an insurance claim for a smashed windshield, thinking it was going to cost $1500 or more. It ended up costing $225. My premiums immediately went up $100 per year and I’m still paying the higher premiums, six years later. It would have been much cheaper in the long run to pay out of pocket. But every repair is different, so getting an estimate before proceeding is probably worth the inconvenience.

    13. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I’ve done it twice…once with a stranger who ran a stop sign (witnesses stopped and gave me their contact info just in case) and once when my mom backed into my car. Both times turned out okay but keep in mind you’ll probably need a rental car while yours is in the shop and usually insurance would cover that (it’s super expensive right now). I was lucky that my mom let me use her car while mine was being repaired. Repair estimates varied widely depending on how “back to new” you want it to be vs just looks “good enough”. Insurance wouldn’t cover it anyway but you’ll be out of pocket for all the time possibly away from work too; getting estimates is just a pain.

    14. JSPA*

      It’s often fine. Premiums go up, if you have a small accident. Paying OOP avoids that. I’ve done it (even when there was no clearly assignable fault).

      But check that she’s given you all her contact information, and ideally make a guesstimate of the money and ask for that much up front. Give her a handwritten receipt for it, stating it’s to go towards the repair, and that you will provide a repair receipt and either refund any excess, or request the additional needed.

      Allow her to suggest a couple of body shops, if she cares to. Many scratches can be buffed out. If it’s gouges, that’s pricier. If it’s anything structural, unless she’s fronting several thousand dollars…get insurance involved.

    15. Kathenus*

      I had something similar but it was someone I didn’t know in a parking lot. Elderly man, said he’d pay the damage, gave me all his info. Once I had a quote he said he wouldn’t pay, sue him if I wanted. Unfortunately I’ll never trust anyone in this situation again.

    16. Not A Manager*

      When my kid was a teen they backed into someone and I actually asked my insurance agent if it was okay to offer to pay out of pocket and not file with insurance. She said she absolutely recommended doing that, otherwise the premiums would skyrocket.

      Similarly, I once had a teen rear-end me at a stop light, and his father paid me out of pocket for the repairs. In a way I think it might be better than using insurance, because then you get to choose your mechanic. I had a body shop I liked and I knew they’d do a good job for their quoted price.

    17. Maggie*

      I don’t think it’s weird, people don’t want their premiums to raise for a scratch. Bring her an estimate and ask for cash for the cost of it. If she doesn’t pay or gets dodgy, involve insurance. I’ve paid people outside insurance for like 3 minor scrapes or fender benders over my time driving and I’m totally normal haha!

    18. I don't mean to be rude, I'm just good at it*

      How old is your car? Is it a serious ding, or a minor one? How much do you care? You could take the payout and use it to pay bills or a down payment for a new car. Inquiring minds want to know?

      1. Upside*

        Ha! Yes that is a clear benefit of taking the individual payout, rather than filing with insurance! I hadn’t thought of that. Of course, in this particular situation, it might become awkward once it’s clear the OP wanted the money from their neighbor but has no intention of making the repair. I’m not sure what “right” answer is as to whether that awkwardness would be justified, but I could see that tension arising just the same.

  2. Zazz*

    My state is dealing with tornadoes right now. It’s scary having to watch the forecast to see if anything will hit your own city, especially because this is the first time it’s ever happened here, at least that I can remember.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        Thanks. My car was parked in the garage so nobody was hurt. I’m glad my neighbor was honest and told me about it.

    2. PlantProf*

      I was up half the night worrying about tornados too. Fortunately we didn’t get any nearby—I hope you were all right too.

    3. Stitch*

      I think you probably live in the same region as my parents. I told them to sleep in the basement last night.

    6. JSPA*

      We’re outside the main alley (which is, however, shifting dramatically) but have occasionally snoozed in the basement if the watch becomes a warning.

      Fitful dozing on pillows or in a hammock, but with an overall sense of relative safety, beats alternating deep sleep and complete “did I hear or dream a siren” wide-eyed panic, in the bedroom.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      We’re south of an area that was in the path of the worst storms so we didn’t really get anything, although it looked like we would for a while. It was awful watching the updates, though. I was online for quite a bit last night checking on people.

    8. Malarkey01*

      My elderly aunt and uncles house was hit. They are okay and the house isn’t a total loss. It’s so surreal to look at national news and see a relatives house though.

  3. Bibliovore*

    Over a foot of snow herein Minnesota.
    Mr. Bibliovore workday have been out every hour shoveling.
    I hired someone to clear the driveway and the walk.
    I am Not going to do it myself.
    Recommendations for warm snow boots.
    Brands for very wide feet.
    I wear a six and a half wide. My go to are Birkenstocks
    If a buy a 7 my feet slide and they are often too narrow with thick socks.

    1. Mid*

      I usually did rain boots with thick wool socks (I grew up in MN.) It was usually more than warm enough, and rain boots seem to run wider than other shoes.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      If you’re looking for something heavy duty, I suggest Sorel Caribou winter boots. They’re well made and last forever, as long as you’re okay with something bulky and heavy. I also have wide feet, and although Sorel doesn’t make a wide model specifically, they tend to run wide. If you get them from REI, you can return them for a whole year even if you’re worn them. Their customer service folks are knowledgeable if you want to check with them first. LL Bean also has comparable heavyweight snow boots, but I can’t vouch for their fit. They do have the same solid return policy of a year.

      1. Stunt Apple Breeder*

        I agree with Sorels. I wore mine all day, every day during the winter when I lived in the upper Midwest. They weren’t too cushy, but I wore out two pairs in 15 years.

        1. Caterpillow*

          Canuck here. The Sorels have a removable thick felt liner that you could easily pad with a couple of layers of felt and some ugly sewing to narrow them down

      2. MNer*

        I have the LL Bean snow boots and live in MN, and they keep my feet plenty warm and dry shoveling and sledding with the kiddo (or standing waiting at bus stops, pre-covid). They don’t come in half sizes so I am wearing a half size larger than my usual. With drugstore insoles to provide padding and arch support they fit nicely and they seem like there’s plenty of width (but I don’t have wide feet so take that as my own perception).

      3. Come On Eileen*

        I just bought a pair of Kamiks and so far they’re working out great. Had tried a pair of Sorels (both purchased on Zappos) and they weren’t comfortable for my feet/rubbed against the back of my heel.

    3. Asenath*

      I found an ideal pair for me through Naturalizer, and they often have a range of sizes. Those particular boots are probably not still available – they’re so sturdy that I bought a second pair and they’re still going strong after several years.

      Sympathy with the snow clearing. One of my reasons for moving into the apartment was that now someone else wll take care of that, and I’ve known people who hire a snow-clearing service each fall and find it a godsend.

    4. May I Help You Out the Door?*

      Hi, neighbor! (Wisconsin here). I have wide feet (bunions). I’ve had trouble with lace-up boots always coming undone when I’m working or playing outside in the snow. So I was looking for something in a zipper or pull-on style. Two years ago I found a pair from Keen. They’re lightweight and comfy as sneakers, nice and warm, and fit great without looking clunky. They were a little spendy, but worth it.

        1. The teapots are on fire*

          If you’re a woman, the men’s Keens will likely be wide enough. I have not found the women’s Keens to be wide enough for my fat feet.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Might be worth trying a tack store if regular shoe stores are frustrating? Riders have to shovel poo in all forecasts.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Cabella’s. Insulated lined duck boots with suede uppers — I bought them when my boots gave out halfway through Thirteen Blizzard Winter and they’re still going strong. Just don’t try to drive stick-shift in them.
      I want to find side-zip snow pants to wear with them so I can leave those on the porch when I finish snow-blowing …and sit down someplace warm to unlabeled the boots.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Try Kamik boots? I bought a pair of their women’s boots from Zappos[dot]com 3 years ago. The fit isn’t perfect*, and the boots are heavy enough to fatigue my lower legs after a few days, but they were under US $100 and our winters in MarylandWashington DC metro area are milder than yours in Minnesota.

      * These are 1/2 U.S. size and 1 European size bigger than my usual size. If I recall correctly the boots didn’t come in half sizes. If you have longer feet perhaps you can try men’s shoes. My feet are right on that sweet spot of not long enough to fit the men’s and too long for the boy’s–a bummer because you can save money buying kids’ shoes, unless the styling is too obviously “for kids.”

    8. fposte*

      I’m another wide-footer. I’ve never found a regular width to be truly satisfactory once I put on the necessary socks–they’ll fit, but they’ll hurt after time. I’m currently trialing my first L. L. Beans and it’s so far, so good; I’ve got some La Canadiennes and some random brands. I also have snow cleats in case it gets really bad.

    9. Cj*

      If you get snowmobile boots, they are very warm, but also very heavy. They generally tend to run pretty wide as it is as soon you’ll be wearing thick socks in them.

    10. Cj*

      I’m also in Minnesota, probably not too far away from you. We got 10 inches where I live oh, I heard they got 21 in in East Saint Paul.

      1. Lady Alys*

        21″ here in Woodbury – thankfully the HOA’s snow removal team has been through once already so we can get out of our garage if we need to. So sorry to see all the destruction in the wake of tornadoes!

        1. LizWings*

          My Dad is just outside of Woodbury! He was out of town and doesn’t know if he’ll be able to get into his driveway when he goes home tomorrow, lol. We’ll be arriving in a week and hope there is still some snow!

          1. Cj*

            50 degrees predicted for Wednesday, so probably not much snow left by next weekend. We are 15 degrees above normal for most days this fall, although the summer wasnt abnormally hot. Climate change is weirdly unpredictable I guess.

        2. Cj*

          I know, the tornadoes were so terrible. The snow is certainly an inconvenience, but not deadly like the tornadoes were.

          I don’t think we’ve even been on a tornado warning here in South Central Minnesota where I am for the last few years, which is really unusual. I’ll take it while it lasts.

    11. aceinplainsight*

      You might want to look at the kid’s versions of the boots recommended- I have wide 7.5 feet, and often find kid’s shoes run wider than women’s.
      As a Michigander, I just wear rainboots with heavy socks and a polar fleece liner for deep snow, since they tend to be taller than most snow boots.

    12. Fiction Reader*

      I love my Bogs boots, I wear the classic mid and they are warm and waterproof and give my toes lots of room. I’ve had my pair for over a decade. It looks like they only come in whole sizes, but Zappos has free returns or you can check the Bogs website’s store locator to see if your local shoe store carries them.
      We got less than a full foot of snow here, but it took 3 adults almost 2 hours to shovel out our driveway and sidewalks!

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        … it took 3 adults almost 2 hours to shovel out our driveway and sidewalks!

        You remind me of Lewis Carroll’s discussion of sweeping the beaches in “The Walrus and the Carpenter” (appears in Alice in Wonderland):
        “If seven maids with seven brooms swept it for half a year,”
        the Walrus asked, “Do you believe that they could get it clear?”
        “I doubt it”, said the Carpenter, and shed a bitter tear.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Nuts! Should have tucked that last comma inside the quotation marks.
          And “The Walrus and the Carpenter” is a poem-within-a-work-of-fiction.
          I knew I should have proofread my comment one more time.

        2. Fiction Reader*

          I’m sure by the end of this winter I will be shedding many a bitter tear about buying a house on a corner lot – we have to clear the sidewalk on three sides!

    13. JSPA*

      Birkenstock high, lined boots are expensive. I have a pair all the same, from the “regrettable looks” era (when they looked like a suede boot with a birkenstock shoe stitched onto the outside, in shinier leather). Mine work down to maybe -5 farenheit, and they’re not good for slush, so they won’t do all of winter. But if you have the bucks, or luck out and find them on sale, they are the high quality you’d expect from Birkenstock (good support, long lasting, predictable fit). Nordstrom’s used to carry them.

      Ah, found them. Will add link. Now on sale, even. (Still not cheap.)

      I have similar size feet to your and often buy kid’s (big kid or youth) boots like Sorrel. Kids snow boots run wide and run into larger sizes than most kids shoes. The arch support is generally miserable, though, so borrow from a running shoe or add an orthotic or other structured footbed. Many have a removable inner boot which helps for drying and stink reduction. (Be careful with the nomenclature of toddler vs big kid sizes, the numbers overlap.) Youth 6 to 7 is usually pegged to euro size 38 to 39. My birkenstock boots are 38. My Sorels are a 5 (room for single wool socks) and a 6 (plenty of room for ragg wool socks or double thinner, and added footbed).

    14. Kathenus*

      Wide feet here too, I’ve had the best success with Merrell for waterproof shoes and hiking boots, including insulated hiking boots which are great for snow – they come in wide widths. For more severe weather, deep snow I have a pair of Sorel boots I’ve had for years – hard to get your feet in (they have very thick, but I think removable, lining) – but once on they’re great for serious winter weather.

    15. *daha**

      I buy my wide shoes from Hitchcock, and have been since the previous century. They used to be men’s-only, but now they carry women’s shoes and they have a wide range of outdoor boots in wide sizes, plus dress shoes and casual shoes and all sorts of other styles. wideshoes.com

    16. bratschegirl*

      Hitchcock Shoes, an online/catalog retailer, sells exclusively wide sizes, both men’s and women’s styles. They have a large variety of snow boots from various major makers, plus their own label.

    17. Random Bystander*

      I rather like Hotter shoes/boots. They’re a bit pricy, but there’s currently a pretty good sale going on.

      I’m a 5.5 double-wide, so I do know the challenge.

    18. Cookie*

      I see nobody recommended Icebug boots yet. I have a really wide forefoot with narrow heel, and even wide boots pinch in the toes for me. I had Keen boots for years but they threw off my gait and made my hip ache badly. A couple of years ago I tried the Icebugs and I’m never going back, because they’re awesome. Number one, they fit and I still have room to wiggle my toes. They are lightweight like a sneaker, they’re waterproof, mine came with extra removable spikes for really slippery conditions, they lace up (the fit is adjustable and no snow migrates down into them), and they are so warm I don’t need extra socks – normal warm winter socks are fine. I wore them to a bonfire last week even though there was no snow, because they are WARM.

    19. The teapots are on fire*

      I used to wear Toe Warmers waterproof boots from Maryland Square, which they still carry, but I left snowy places about seven years ago so I can’t say if they’re still well made. They come in widths up to extra wide.

    20. WinkyPie*

      If you are good with a higher price point and want to support an Indigenous company, try out the Manitobah Mukluks. SO WARM.

  4. Jackalope*

    Book thread: what is everyone reading this week? Anything new or fun? Anyone looking to give or receive recommendations?

    I just finished “Murder at Sunrise Lake” by Christine Feehan, which my friend and I decided was a paranormal romance suspense. I wasn’t sure at the beginning but I liked it more than I thought I would even though I’m still not sure about the ending. I also just started “The Invisible Library” by Genevieve Cogman; not sure what I think yet since I’m only about 20 pages in but it came highly recommended so I’m looking forward to reading it.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      I just finished the audiobook of We Run the Tides, one of Alison’s top recommendations for the year. For most of it I was thinking yeah, this is pretty good, solid 4 stars but the way it ended was SO satisfying. My previous two books weren’t great so it was nice to listen to something relatively quick and really enjoyable!

    2. Lemonwhirl*

      I just finished the audiobook of “Plain Bad Heroines” by Emily Danforth. It was so good. I heard the author describe the book on a podcast as “Picnic at Hanging Rock + the Blair Witch Project x Lesbians” and that sold me. It’s a long audiobook too, so definitely felt I was getting my money’s worth.

      I’m reading “The Nameless Ones” by John Connolly, the 25th book in the Charlie Parker mystery series. The focus is on Angel and Louis tracking down a group of Serbian war criminals, so it’s quite heavy.

      Also recently finished reading “Doctors and Friends” by Kimmery Martin, which is about a group of doctors during a terrible pandemic. (Conceived and drafted in the Before Times, published in Covid times.) I really liked it, but I love pandemic narratives because I find them strangely reassuring.

      1. Dark Macadamia*

        That’s how I felt reading “Year of Wonders” earlier this year. It was very bleak but the audiobook narrator had a beautiful voice and the overall vibe of it was just like… what can we do but carry on? On the other hand, my book club was reading “The Murmur of Bees” when the pandemic started and it was really stressful.

        1. londonedit*

          My book club decided to read Wolf Hall at our February 2020 meet-up – we only meet every two or three months, so we all spent most of March and April reading about people dying within hours from the mysterious ‘sweating sickness’! Not exactly reassuring!

        2. the cat's ass*

          I LOVED Year Of Wonders-Geraldine Brooks is fantastic.

          Other Pandemic/apocalyptic books also include The Stand, the Road, and The Passage Trilogy. I found them weirdly comforting, except for the Road.

    3. Princess Deviant*

      I just read a paranormal romance called A Christmas To Die For by Jessica Frances. It was absolutely bonkers but I did enjoy it. Working my way through Zoe Chant Christmas novelas today, and probably will read Several People Are Typing after that (it was a recommendation by Alison here a couple of weeks ago).

        1. Princess Deviant*

          I’m not sure about it yet! It’s definitely unique, I’m not too sure about the layout of it.

        2. Princess Deviant*

          Well I just finished it, it was fun! Weird but I enjoyed the ending. What happened to Lydia though?? Did she get out.

    4. The Dogman*

      The Commissar Ciaphas Cain series of Warhammer 40,000 books (in the grim darkness and all that!), they are very good, quite accessable for the in universe background and written somewhat in the style of the Flashman books.

      The Hero is a self admitted coward who in his constant efforts to avoid dangerous assignments often ends up in dangerous assignments facing Daemons (fairly self explanatory), Tyranids (bio-adapted warfare species who want to eat all organic life in the galaxy), Necrons (an undead metal bodied billion year old species who were tricked into giving up “the flesh” and are still pretty salty about it), Traitor Chaos worshipping loonies (humans who have betrayed the religio-facist Administratum of Earth and therefore the Emperor of Man too, big nono in the Imperium), Tau (a sort of communist “greater good” species who “adopt” with some creepy mind control field other species for that “greater good”), and the usual dangers of a high tech battlefield… Oh and Orks… He fights Orks a few times… WAAAAAARRRGGGGHH and all that! ;)

      A very fun series I highly recommend to all!

    5. Golden*

      I found The Seven and 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle in a nearby little free library and have been having a lot of fun with that! It’s like a combination of Agatha Christie and the video game 12 Minutes. I’m sure some things have gone over my head, and I have to keep referring to the character list given at the front, but I’m enjoying it nonetheless.

        1. Golden*

          I’ve actually never truly played it! My husband did, and because we share an Xbox live account (him on console, me on PC), when I started it up I guess it put me midway through which I didn’t realize until he was like “wow, how are you so far already?!”.

          I quit playing when we figured out what must have happened, because it didn’t seem fun to start with already knowing some of the “big reveals” and bypassing many challenges. Husband agrees with Stitch that the ending is odd, but the concept seemed so unique!

      3. Blomma*

        I just finished this one too! I enjoyed it, though I didn’t quite agree/like/? with some aspects of the ending. Apparently Netflix UK is developing a tv or movie version of it, which I think has the potential to be really good!

    6. Blue Eagle*

      Nonfiction: Dancing Man – a Broadway Choreographer’s Journey by Bob Avian. If you like musical theater you will enjoy Bob Avian’s memoir of his time dancing and choreographing Broadway musicals.

      Fiction: Gold Diggers by Sanjena Sathian. No, it’s not about digging gold from the ground and not about trying to marry someone with money. The protagonist is a 15 year old Indian-American boy. I found the story fascinating and kept reading till I found out what happens in the end. Great read.

    7. CTT*

      I’ve been reading the classic Robert K. Massie “Nicholas and Alexandra” biography about the Romanovs. It’s pretty old, but I have been surprised at how fair he’s been to Alexandra considering when it was written – acknowledging that she made a lot of mistakes, but that she was coming from the mindset of the parent of a very sick child. That said, I’ve reached mid 1917 and it’s hard to get through the last few chapters knowing what’s coming.

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        I just started The Witches of St. Petersburg last night, a fiction novel set in the same time frame. Like you, knowing what’s coming gives the book and extra sadness/ghostly feeling.

      2. Lurker*

        I read that a couple of years ago and really enjoyed it! Even though I knew how it ended (heh), it still had me in suspense at times.

        I just finished Still Life (Sarah Winman); the blurb on the back made me think there would be a lot more about art history and WWII, but it’s really a love letter to the city of Florence. The book references EM Forster’s A Room with a View a great deal and I’ve had that sitting on my shelf, unread, for ages so I thought it was the perfect time/segue way to finally read it.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Almost Human by Lee Berger and John Hawks, in which the lead scientist on two major South African hominin discoveries talks about the work. Both the discovery part and how the bones are unearthed and preserved and information is shared. I really like it. I just got to the second discovery, which I believe is going to lead to drafting teams of small flexible people, often women, who can get into the cave. Based on a recommendation here.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      Call Us What We Carry by Amanda Gorman. Poems, beautifully written. I was in the book store and this had been left on a table of travel books; opened at random to a poem that really spoke to me and so bought on impulse. In more systematic reading this collection is focused on the experience of living through 2020 and 2021–which if I’d known going in might have been a negative, but in practice I am finding really soothing–like draining a wound. It’s been striking how fiction has largely skipped over the pandemic, minus a very good Parks and Rec special, and yet I don’t want to escape into pandemic-land either so I get it.

      From a longer poem:
      When asking how others were faring,
      We did not expect an honest or full response,
      What words can answer how we’re remaining alive?

      1. Mimi*

        I read Going Viral over the weekend, which is supposed to be a cute romance about teenagers in NYC last year (in lockdown). It was okay. I was kind of annoyed with how making up with the girlfriend involved a lot of recognizing where the protagonist had messed up, been insufficiently open, vulnerable, etc, but not really anything with the girlfriend acknowledging what she had done to contribute to that, or apologizing. (Like, maybe MC didn’t tell GF that she was worried that her mom was going to lose her job because every time she tried to open up about how much she hated lockdown, GF was like, “Well, yeah, it’s rough, but there’s no point in focusing on it; just think about how FORTUNATE we are! Well, I’m off to try making madeleines!”

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I am following this for ideas for my family’s Christmas Eve book tradition. (We have Icelandic friends and took their “Yule Book Flood” for our own.)
      Last year’s hit was “The Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking” but it got misplaced before we all read it so if it’s not in with the ornaments I’m buying a second copy.

    11. AY*

      Just finished Before the Coffee Gets Cold for book club. I liked that it felt like a fable or fairy tale where certain magical things like curses and time travel just happen and aren’t explained. But many of the characters were not especially compelling and there was definitely some cringey men-writing-women stuff.

      Reading the Song of Achilles now, which is good but is working for me less than the author’s far superior Circe. I appreciate seeing the story through Patroclus’s eyes. But the Trojan War is such well-trod ground, and the author has a lot less room than in Circe to be creative.

    12. GoryDetails*

      Some good non-fiction, including:

      SHADY CHARACTERS by Keith Houston, about a subset of typographical marks and punctuation, from the pilcrow to the octothorpe to the interrobang. It includes bits of history about writing, then the production of books, then typesetting, and the ways in which the different symbols came to be – quite a lively and fascinating read.

      IN MINIATURE: HOW SMALL THINGS ILLUMINATE THE WORLD by Simon Garfield, about various miniatures from architectural models to toy trains to the famed “Nutshell Studies” miniature crime-scenes of Frances Glessner Lee.

      And in fiction:

      THE GIFT OF THE MAGPIE by Donna Andrews, from her punny “Meg Langslow” cozy-mystery series. This is one of the holiday-special volumes, centering around holiday celebrations in Meg’s home and town, with a lot of really charming examples of people coming together to help each other. And – given that there is a crime to be solved – a more upbeat ending than I’d dared hope!

    13. RussianInTexas*

      Just finished the latest and final book in The Expanse series. Did not see the end coming, even though it made perfect sense. Now trying to get through the backlog of my Kindle First books.

    14. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      I just started The Viking in the Wheat Field. It’s a biography about Brent Skovmand, a Danish plant scientist who began collecting samples and studying genetic diversity in wheat to protect the world’s wheat production from emerging diseases and environmental disasters. I read excerpts from the book online before purchasing a paper copy and look forward to reading the whole thing. Skovmand eventually became the director of the Nordic Gene Bank–I am interested in seeing how his career took him there.

    16. Scarlet Magnolias*

      Just started “Go tell the Bees that I am gone” in the Outlander series. I liked the first 3, didn’t like any of the others and am giving this one a final chance

    17. PastorJen*

      I just finished reading “The Man Who Died Twice” by Richard Osman. It’s the second book in the Thursday Murder Club Mystery series. I liked the first one and loved this one. It was really funny and smart, and the author carried the story through until the last sentence of the book. I can’t wait for the third installment.

      2. JNH Coaching*

        I loved The Man Who Died Twice! Even better than the first one!!

        I just read “Secrets of a Charming Life” by Susan Meissner and devoured it. It’s the story of two sisters during the Blitz in London in WWII. I also really loved “The Midnight Library” by Matt Haig, “Agent Sonya” by Ben MacIntryre and “The Vanishing Half” by Brit Bennett.

        “Dare to Lead” by Brene Brown was my favourite non-fiction read of 2021, and “Troubled Blood” by Robert Galbraith was my favourite audiobook. Robert Glenister is a phenomenal narrator and does so many accents!!

        1. PastorJen*

          It really was better than the first one — and the first one was really good! Dare to Lead was excellent, though I love everything I’ve read by Brene Brown. I read one Robert Galbraith book and liked it, but haven’t read any others yet. The Midnight Library was surprising and well done. I haven’t read the others you mentioned, though I need to check out Secrets of a Charming Life. It sounds really interesting!

        2. SelinaKyle*

          Totally agree about the Man Who Died Twice. I can’t wait for the 3rd book. I’m hoping the film lives up to the first book.

    18. Here for the Randomness*

      The Peripheral by William Gibson. Couldn’t get into it when I started reading it a few years back. Really enjoying it now. Probably more of a reflection of my ability to concentrate during leisure reading based on the need to concentrate during work stuff.
      I forgot how dense his writing can be, but it treats the trippy as common.

    20. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I just finished “A Warrior of the People,” about Suzanne LaFlesch Picotte, a native American woman who graduated from medical school in the late 1800s and came back to Nebraska to as a physician, educator, and advocate for her Omaha tribe. Quite a woman!

    21. Emily Elizabeth*

      I just finished The Snow Child by Eowyn Ivey and think it’s one of my favorite books of the year! In the 1920’s in Alaska, a childless couple is struggling to eke out a homestead and connect with one another when one night they build a child out of snow. The next day they spot a little girl in the snow, and the story follows that of the couple, the girl, and their little community as they all move through and survive the Alaskan seasons. A retelling of the fairy tale The Snow Maiden, I loved how the balance of magic and rough rural life, and the language was poignant and perfect for winter.

    22. OtterB*

      Three Twins at the Crater School, by Chaz Brenchley. This was such fun. It is a blend of an old-style boarding school story with a “planetary romance” where Mars has canals. The Crater School is on Mars, and the girls who attend it are adventurous, creative, and very loyal to each other. There will be a sequel out later this month.

    23. Bluebell*

      Cackle by Rachel Harrison was a fun, slightly spooky read. I also enjoyed Seven Day Switch by Kelly Harms, a Freaky Friday with two moms. Plus I finally read While Justice Sleeps by Stacey Abrams—very Grisham-esque.

    24. JustForThis*

      I’ve been reading Laurie R. King’s Mary-Russell-series, an inventive continuation of the Sherlock Holmes stories with a late-middle-aged Homes and his young apprentice-turning-partner Mary Russell, set in the 1920s. They are great fun and I love much about them, but — maybe because they stay within the established logic of Sherlock-Holmes-plots, maybe because they were written several decade ago — there is some unfortunate (even if sometimes somewhat ironically tempered) orientalism, classism and elitism. Multi-step “deductions” are still oddly satisfying to read for me, though; apparently they hit some kind of instant reward button in my brain.

    25. Loves libraries*

      I’m reading Iced by Felix Francis. I read all of his books as soon as I can. It took my library forever to get it.

  5. Just Lurking*

    So nice to see a photo featuring Eve front and center! Is she a shy cat? It seems like we don’t see her as much as some of the others. Same with the other calico (Olive?).

  6. Melody Pond*

    This past week, I was formally diagnosed as autistic (at 35!). I’ve still got lots of processing to do, and would certainly welcome hearing from any other adult-diagnosed autistic folks on their own journeys.

    But in the meantime, one thing I’ve decided to do is fully embrace my need for loungewear that doesn’t cause sensory irritations. I work from home and did so pre-Covid. Between that and my diagnosis (including a note from doctor saying I should be allowed to work from home as appropriate for my job duties), it’s looking unlikely that I will need to spend 40 hours every week in an office – certainly not in the near future. So, I’m ready to bring on the loungewear.

    Tell me your favorite brands for comfy at-home loungewear! Especially any brands made sustainably with minimal or no synthetic fibers, primarily from organic natural fibers. Candidates I’m currently considering include MATE The Label and Pact.

    1. Princess Deviant*

      Congrats! I was diagnosed autistic at age 46, just about 18 months ago. Actually, it was because of people here that I went for it. But anyway, what I’ve found is that I’m still learning what I can cope with and what not. Since I stopped masking so much it’s becoming apparent what is just too hard for me.
      I’ve had several accommodations meetings in work as I’ve learnt what I need. I suppose I’ll have more as time goes on. Working from home rather than in the office is one of them, but we’re all home workers now anyway, so it frustrates me that my boss wants us to be in the office more when it’s not even required.
      As for lounge wear, well I’m from the UK but I get a lot of cheap stuff from Asda which is Walmart-owned. I presume you’ll be able to find things there? Anything soft and thick and warm, then I cut the labels out. I always wear socks, even at night and have the bottom of my pants tucked into them.
      Good luck and best wishes on your journey! I have found my diagnosis a time of both profound grief at not being diagnosed earlier and of great joy at being finally ME.

      1. Melody Pond*

        both profound grief at not being diagnosed earlier and of great joy at being finally ME

        Oof, yes. This is exactly how I feel. Well, “joy” might be too strong of a word for what I’m currently feeling, but certainly relief. But it’s definitely mixed with grief over not being diagnosed earlier. Especially since I learned that my mother has suspected me of being autistic (or having Aspberger’s at the time) since I was really little, but she never sought any evaluation for me.

      2. Hunnybee*

        Since this is the non-work thread and this comment is work-related, I can’t release it from moderation, but feel free to ask about this on the Friday work thread! – Alison

      3. Hunnybee*

        I sent this long reply to your awesome post but it didn’t show up, maybe because I mentioned “w-o-r-k”. : )

        Similar feelings, and I feel like reading the posts in AAM have been incredibly supportive to those of us on the spectrum. I wish there was some kind of specific thread for newly diagnosed professionals. Seems to be a very supportive community of folks here.

        1. Princess Deviant*

          Ah thank you. I’m super intrigued about your question now and will keep an eye out for it next Friday :)

      4. Hunnybee*

        Thanks for sharing this link!

        Also, I’ve been super happy with the Old Navy sweatpants I’ve gotten over COVID and the fleece-lined pants and joggers from Eddie Bauer (and basically any of their fleece is wonderful — it washes well and is so soft).

        I would never before let myself wear this kind of thing all the time, but in the past few years it has felt essential to wear soft and comfortable clothes, like another layer of necessary support.

    2. PollyQ*

      Lands’ End pima knitwear is lovely. I think the fabric is 100% cotton, although the thread may not be.

    3. TiredEmployee*

      Congratulations! It’s such a trip, isn’t it?

      I’m six months post-diagnosis (age 29) and still very much coming to terms with “what it all means”, wrapped up in therapy for the anxiety I developed from being undiagnosed. One thing I have learned is that I need to pay closer attention to my senses than I ever thought – e.g. I realised that it’s the feeling of icy wind on my cheeks every time I walk the dog that makes me boil with rage at this time of year, not just the fact of having to walk him in the cold, so now I wear a facemask the whole time and that alone has been such a boost to my mood! That and trying to stop bullying myself about what I “should” be capable of “as an adult” re: things like housework and social commitments and instead build up from what I know I can handle. It’s all very much a slow work-in-progress.

      2. Melody Pond*

        That and trying to stop bullying myself about what I “should” be capable of “as an adult” re: things like housework and social commitments

        I feel this. Thanks for sharing.

      3. Software Dev*

        ADHD solidarity on that one. There are adult things I have accepted I am not going to master (cooking, for one)

    4. Arya Parya*

      I’ve been diagnosed about two years ago at age 35. I’m still figuring out what stresses me, but getting better at it. The best thing I’ve done is being kinder to myself. I’m allowed to say no to things. I’ll plan downtime after things I know will take a lot of energy. I’ve accepted my energy levels need to be managed.

      As for comfortable clothes, I love stuff with fleece inside. I like how soft it is. I also cut the tags out of most clothing.

    5. mreasy*

      I have 2 pairs of Girlfriend Collective joggers (the ones made of recycled materials) and I love them.

      1. It's Growing!*

        I have a t-shirt from a national park that says it’s made from recycled water bottles. It is so soft and comfy! I wouldn’t have guessed that would be the case.

    6. Shorts shorts shorts*

      Never tried it, but Norwegian brand OnePiece have amazing merino hoody jumpsuits. I wish I had a reason to buy one.

    7. ten four*

      Eddie Bauer’s men’s flannel jammie bottoms. The men’s ones have pockets – essential! They are pricy AF but go on 50% off sales a fair bit, and they are thick and warm. I’ve got a pair that’s a few years old with zero of the pilling you get from crummy cheap flannel. 10 out of 10 stars.

    8. Mimmy*

      I’m not diagnosed but have long suspected that at least have autistic traits. One thing that’s often bothered me is shirt tags, depending on the material of the tag. Pants tags sometimes bother me too. I tend to buy from Lands End and Croft & Barrow for my casual tops because they’re tagless.

      1. Melody Pond*

        One thing I learned is that, within the autistic community, self-diagnosis (after careful thought and research and consultation with others who know you) is considered perfectly valid. Because getting a formal diagnosis can take both time and a lot of money, and that’s not accessible to everyone.

        I don’t know if you’ve already heard of it, but the RAADS-R screening on aspietests [dot] org has some clinical validity to it. It was one of the first things I did on my journey – the score is out of a possible 240 points, and the threshold for potential autism is 65. First time I took it, I got 149. Then I doubted myself a lot and re-took it, and got 131, and later 141. Then after finally talking to my mom about it, and filling in some of the gaps from what I was fuzzy on, in my childhood, I took it one more time recently and got 166.

        1. Mimmy*

          Thanks Melody! I took it and got a 105, although a lot of the questions were tricky because I was fuzzy on whether some of them were true when I was younger, so I’m not taking that score as gospel. It probably works better with the help of a clinician and family members.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Great suggestion, thank you! Their stuff looks awesome, and I am adding them to my bookmarks folder for clothing stuff.

    10. Hunnybee*

      Congratulations! I was diagnosed in my late 40s, and it was like the clouds lifted in so many things about my life.

      Like…my sensory issues around fabric. Certain wools and OMG that metal sponge for cleaning pans send horrifying chills up my spine. Some polyester fabric does that for me too. I can’t explain it to any of my neurotypical friends, but you might understand what I’m talking about. I JUST cringe at certain textures. haha

      I’ve lately embraced my need to wear soft clothing and that means I’ve been stocking up on sweatpants, sadly. But Old Navy has some great ones with thick, soft fabric that launder well. I also love the fleece lined joggers from Eddie Bauer.

      Right now, I am wearing the softest cashmere turtleneck that I got on sale at Nordstrom. Something about soft clothing makes me feel comforted and supported. I hope you find some wonderful and supporting clothing and share with us all here!

      1. Melody Pond*

        That’s interesting – I think touch and fabric are probably my least-sensitive areas, but I still have some sensitivity. Like I can’t bear feeling constricted or unable to move, and I really really don’t want to wear itchy fabrics. The metal sponge thing is not something that’s ever pinged my sensory issues – but I can totally see how it would be an issue for lots of autistic folks!

        I can wear synthetic/natural blends if they’re soft, but my reason for wanting to go full natural fibers, sustainably made clothing, is more because this is part of my long-time “special interest” in sustainability & environmental consciousness.

        My worst sensory sensitivities are audio/noise and smell/taste. I can remember as a kid, I’d always dread having to go to someone else’s house for dinner, because chances were high that I wouldn’t be able to eat what was put in front of me. That still affects me today, and makes it difficult for me to go visit my in-laws with Mr. Pond. And the main reason we bought our current house two years ago, was because I couldn’t deal with the noise coming through the walls in our previous condo – whether it was someone else’s TV, music, or just them having a loud conversation. And I intentionally picked a house with a livable basement, so that on the off-chance my suburb neighbors ever do something loud enough that I can hear it upstairs, I can still escape to the basement. (This was all two years prior to my diagnosis, and at the time I would have dismissed any suggestion of me being autistic.)

      2. Mannequin*

        “Some polyester fabric does that for me too”

        I. Can. Not. STAND!!!!! the feel of polyester.

        I was born in the 60s and grew up in the 70s when EVERYTHING was made out of thick, nasty, hideous, polyester doubleknit, the worst polyester of all.

        It was just as bad as you can imagine and I didn’t have any way of conceptualizing it for years.

    11. Scotlibrarian*

      Congrats! I was diagnosed last month aged 49. I’m so pleased. I’ve taken to wearing some gorgeously comfy stretchy velvet wide legged elasticated waist trousers. I got them from Mark’s and Spencer (UK) and they are so soft I feel like I’m a squishmallow. Also, they look reasonably smart so I can pop to the shops in them. I’m currently wearing the plum pair while laying on the sofa.
      I’ve been embracing stimming, which is super fun / stress releasing
      One of the best things is that a year ago i started working part time as a trainer with 2 other autistic women training managers in how to be an autism friendly employer. I’ve learned so much from the training and from working with autistic people.
      Welcome to the autistic community!

    12. JustEm*

      I don’t have autism, but am sensitive to fabric textures. My favorite is stuff made out of bamboo. I had a baby six months ago and bought some Kindred Bravely postpartum and maternity bamboo lounge pants and I LOVE them … I just bought more in a smaller size even though I could totally fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes now. Fair warning, some of their tops have uncomfortable built in bras or uncomfortable stitching. I haven’t really liked other things from them but I love love love those pants

    13. RosyGlasses*

      I will say that Pact is fairly stiff cotton – it is not “buttery soft” or silky in case that makes a difference (at least the leggings I’ve purchased have been pretty scratchy/stiff).

    14. Quinalla*

      I love Bombas – they started out just socks, but now have underwear and t shirts. All there stuff is low to no synthecis, very soft but also durable. Highly recommended and they donate one of whatever (socks, etc.) to homeless shelters of what you order which is awesome!

      For soft clothes, I love Torrid for my size 18 body. They have tons of super soft shirts especially. Typically 100% cotton or close to.

  7. Mid*

    I rock climb in my free time and just managed to get a route I’ve been trying for a while, and it feels really good. I needed a win this week, and so it’s extra satisfying.

        1. AGD*

          Amazing! I haven’t gone rock climbing in years but I remember just a few months in, conquering a 5.8 that I’d thought was impossible, and realizing I was making progress. That was a big moment.

    2. Double A*

      I miss rock climbing so much. I haven’t done it since the start of the pandemic, first because of pandemic, then because of pregnancy and having a little baby. I’m really hoping now that they baby is a bit older I can get back to it sometimes. Though I was topping out in the 5.11 range (indoors…outdoors more like 5.9)

      1. Mid*

        There are actually a lot of new parents at my gym, and some people who climb while very pregnant! There are even climbing harnesses designed for pregnancy, which I think is super cool. Obviously, not trying to tell you what to do, and you know what’s best for you, but I wouldn’t eliminate climbing if that’s something you want to do!

        1. Double A*

          It’s really been more about the pandemic than anything. With my first pregnancy I did climb through about month 6 and used a full body harness a bit, and I got back into climbing a couple of months after that baby was born. But this time I just wasn’t comfortable going to the gym through the pandemic while being pregnant, and then with the two kids it hasn’t been logistical for my family. We live in a more rural area so it’s a 45 minute drive to the gym and I used to go on weeknights, but that’s out the window for now with two kids bedtimes.

          However, the friend who I climbed with most is about to have a baby, and she and her husband are dedicated climbers so I’m thinking that once she’s getting back into the swing of things we can sync up and I’ll be able to climb a bit with them. Even better would be if vaccines for the under 5 cohort are approved by then and I can get my kids vaccinated.

          1. Mid*

            I completely understand that! It’s been complicated for me and I don’t even have kids. Luckily my area is heavily vaccinated, the gyms require masks full time (and will make people leave who don’t follow that requirement), and have good sanitizing processes, but it’s still a stressful time to go anywhere with crowds of people. I wish you the best!

  8. I'm So Excited*

    On Tuesday (probably), I’ll be getting a pixie cut! My hair is currently waist-length, so it might be a bit of a shock. On the bright side, if it all goes wrong, I’m taking three weeks for Christmas. :|

    1. londonedit*

      That’s so exciting! I’ve gone from boob-length hair to a short bob before and it’s so much fun. I’ve also had a pixie cut a few times and absolutely loved it. Enjoy!

    2. Blue Bob*

      Yay! Hope it goes well! In August, I went from waist-length brown hair to a blue bob. Then I went for a bob-pixie hybrid a few weeks ago when I got the color topped up. I thought I’d miss my long hair, since I’d had the same haircut since 1993, but I don’t miss the tangles. I do find that I don’t have the skills to make my hair look as fantastic as my hairdresser does, but I’ve learned to be okay with it not looking perfect.

      1. I'm So Excited*

        That sounds very exciting! Did you find that people looked at you differently with blue hair instead of brown? A friend of mine dyed her hair pink and she said that she felt that people noticed her more (especially little kids).

        1. Cookie*

          I have had a pink pixie cut for a couple of months, and I’ve noticed that strangers are a LOT nicer to me. Maybe because my resting b1tchface with my normal dark/gray hair makes me look severe, but with the bright pink pixie people assume I must be a fun character.

    3. Daisy Avalin*

      As somebody who’s had a pixie for 12 years now (but never managed to grow my hair out below the middle of my shoulder blades in my life) prepare to have your bathing/hair washing time *drastically* reduced! I love it, for simple ease of wash and go, and for the fact that the majority of the time I don’t have to do anything to it when I wake up!
      One caveat – depending on the style of your pixie, you may need to stick to the hairdresser’s advised trim appointments… I am both busy and lazy, and not overly bothered about how my hair looks, so I tend to be lax on the six-week suggested gap between cuts!
      Also, thanks for posting this, incidentally I do need to go get my trim this upcoming week!

      1. newbie*

        Right? The first time I washed my hair, I put my heretofore normal amount of shampoo in my hand and once on my head it was ridiculous overkill. I got my last haircut about 2 weeks before COVID shut everything down, and it’s approaching my shoulder blades again. Time to make some decisions about what I want this mess to look like.

      2. Mid*

        Yes! I did waist length to a pixie, and I lost like 3lbs because I had so much less hair. I also bruised my shoulders because I was so used to brushing my hair all the way down and I smacked the brush into myself. But it was overall so freeing to have short hair.

    4. Might Be Spam*

      That is exiting! When my waist length hair was cut to almost pixie length, I found out that it was curly. That was quite a nice surprise. It took awhile to get used to seeing it in the mirror but it was fun. It is so much easier to take care of now. Have fun!

      1. PlantProf*

        Mine too! I did the same thing a few years ago, and I thought it might come out wavy, but it was actually pretty curly without all the weight.

    5. Hotdog not dog*

      I did that several years ago, it was amazing how much less shampoo and hair products I went through, not to mention the time it used to take to detangle, wash, dry, and style my waist length hair. The only downside to a pixie is that you have to keep up with the trims. Currently I’ve got a just-below-the-earlobes bob, which for me is the best of both worlds.

    6. Deschain*

      Don’t be worried if you have to give your hair time to adjust to the new style. I have very thick hair and when I went from long to pixie seven years ago, it took a good bit of effort for the first few weeks to train my hair to go forward towards my face instead of the usual away from the face. And unlike everyone else, I use way more shampoo! Because my hair is so thick and coarse, I only washed it once a week when it was long. But with a pixie, I love being able to wash it twice a day! It doesn’t take much shampoo but it’s still more than before. I have Chronic Migraine and one of the only soothing things I can do for it is letting hot water run on my head, hence the two showers a day. The CM is actually why I cut my hair off and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I hope you love yours!

      1. Windchime*

        Total side note, but hot water running over my head helps with my migraines, too. It took me years to figure it out, but now it’s one of my go-to strategies.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Are you selling or donating or making it into extensions or crafting Victorian jewelry or letting the stylist do the same?
      Always curious what someone else chooses. My first two big cuts were donations, then I learned that particular charity was overwhelmed AND that a cousin was learning to make extensions…so my most recent big cut is in the freezer. (Yes bagged!) But it’s been long enough that it’s obvious to me cousin gave up the idea. New Year’s resolution will be to do something productive with it because, well, ick I saved it long enough.

      1. I'm So Excited*

        I haven’t thought about it? I’m in the UK, and I’m not sure how common donating hair is here. I’m not particularly attached to my hair or anything, so whatever works for me (I’ve been feeling so much happier since I decided to get rid of most of it)!

        It’s so cool that you were donating your hair to your cousin (although they gave up)! How does the whole making extensions work?

    8. Grey Panther*

      My friend cut her knee-length hair to earlobe length. It looks great, and her first surprise was that she found she really wanted to learn to scuba-dive. She’d never even considered the sport before because getting her long hair un-salted and dried was such a lengthy process that she just never swam in the ocean.
      Hope you enjoy finding similar surprises!

      1. Michaele*

        Michaele
        ADVICE NEEDED: I am 73 and have waist length salt and pepper thick hair. Really thick. Twice as many hairs as normal people, and each hair coarse and heavy. I usually wear it pulled back in a clip because if I bend my head the slightest bit forward all my hair falls forward and I can’t see a thing.
        The problem is that my formerly straight hair now has broken, wiry strands all around my head and it looks like I’m a curly dandelion. I do not like it.
        I’ve had short hair before, prior to going grey, about 3”, short enough that my hair does not fall into my eyes when it is wet.
        Any advice? Will the wiry curlicues be absorbed into my hair and disappear? Will I end up looking like a dandelion all over? Has anyone else dealt with something similar?

        1. Dancing Otter*

          Get recommendations for a good stylist from friends with short hair. It sounds to me as though the “salt” hair is coming in curly. A bad short haircut will be *really* bad, but a skilled stylist can make any kind of hair look good. Curly doesn’t have to look like a dandelion.

        2. the cat's ass*

          Same kind of hair, and wore it long forever, because the weight of it made it straight. Went to a great stylist who convinced me to lop it off around my shoulders and layer it, and now it’s wash and wear, and with curly-hair gel products, the little wiry hairs are well controlled. I also color it in part because it makes the gray hair less coarse and more manageable. It’s SO much less work, and if i’d realized it, i’d have cut it decades ago.

      2. I'm So Excited*

        I used to swim competitively back in middle school (the UK equivalent of it) – I won’t resume that, but I think it would be nice to swim for an hour before/after work or something. COVID complicates everything though… :/

    9. WinkyPie*

      FYI, you will be a bit of a bobble head for a few days! I went from knee length to collar a while ago, and the biggest take away was how wobbly everything was for the next week. Don’t worry, that passes!

    11. Lady Danbury*

      I went from midback curly hair to a short tapered cut several years ago and have never looked back! Short hair allows me to play with color (everything from blonde ombre to bright purple) without worrying about breakage or commitment and has also saved hours of haircare each week. Hopefully you enjoy the short hair life as much as I do!

  9. Liz*

    Any advice on revamping one’s wardrobe? I’m 37 and have never really had a definitive style. I was raised by extremely conservative, reserved parents who lived in elasticated slacks and plain high neck shirts and any preoccupation with clothes or image was seen as vain and silly and so I have struggled with style ever since. I’ve also been broke for most of my life. The result of this has been that I wind up buying all sorts of things from thrift shops that I don’t really love but vaguely think will do. Now I have far too many clothes and I spend too much time trying to remember what goes with what.

    I love the idea of a capsule wardrobe but I also have all sorts of different looks and I vary between slouchy hippie, fifties glam, and hard butch depending on my mood and could never choose just one. How do I go about whittling my mediocre collection down? Do I sort clothes by season? Style? Are comfy lounge clothes a whole separate thing and not part of the capsule? And are there any tricks to remembering what goes with what?

    1. 30ish*

      I would go with the pieces you like most (that „spark joy“ as Marie Kondo would say) and build outfits around those. Eg if you have a blouse you like, pick pants etc that go with it. Do this until you have a sufficient number of outfits and get rid of the rest. I am not sure a style mix needs to be a problem! Capsule is not for everyone. I cannot work with a capsule because I need very different types of clothes for work, taking care of my son, and weekends.

      1. Chaordic One*

        As an aside, I still have several pieces of clothes that “spark joy,” but they no longer fit and I can’t wear them. They’re beautiful pieces and I don’t want to just give them away and so they are taking up space in my closet. I keep waiting for the opportunity to “gift” them to someone. I think.

        1. Mimi*

          I’ve gained some weight this past year (shocker, I know), and recently went through my wardrobe with a good hard look at “Does this fit? This sort-of fits, but do I like it enough to wear it?” Anything I didn’t really like went straight to the donation bin, and things that didn’t fit anymore went on my bed, and I only kept not-fits that I liked enough that I would be glad to add them back into rotation if they do fit again. Then everything I was keeping but wasn’t going to wear imminently went into a box in the attic, which has really freed up dresser space.

          As far as style, for several years I’ve just been leaning into items that I really like and things that go with them. I’ve found a couple of places that reliably sell things I like, which helps.

    2. Jess*

      I’ve really enjoyed The Vivienne Files. Lots of advice on how to build capsule wardrobes and a few on how to trim down what you already have. (I’ll post a few links in the next comment.) Really I just learned a lot by looking at the wardrobes and determining what I /didn’t/ like – sometimes it is easier to spot the negatives than the positives! Lots of good colour combinations as well.

      1. Jess*

        https://www.theviviennefiles.com/2018/02/my-casual-wardrobe-is-disaster.html/

        https://www.theviviennefiles.com/2018/02/another-wardrobe-disaster.html/

        https://www.theviviennefiles.com/2018/02/fixing-wardrobe-that-just-doesnt-feel.html/

        https://www.theviviennefiles.com/2018/01/how-to-focus-and-refine-pretty-good.html/

        https://www.theviviennefiles.com/2017/12/does-your-wardrobe-work-for-you-some.html/

        https://www.theviviennefiles.com/2016/12/12-months-12-outfits-in-olive-based.html/ (just an example. I like the graphs to visualize the wardrobe and see if anything’s missing.)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My number one consideration for clothes after making sure they fit correctly is color. Some colors just are not me and make me feel uncomfortable. My thought here is that you could use your color theme through-out all the styles you like to wear. This will give a continuity to your wardrobe.

      I use colors in other ways, also. I limit how much I spend on plants for my yard by limiting the number of colors I will use. The yard looks less chaotic because there is a color theme going on. In my house I do the same with household furnishing. It helps the budget and it helps the house to look less like a random collection of other people’s furniture.

      1. Nela*

        Absolutely this. I wear a limited palette (black, white, red and purple) and can mix and match stuff with no issues.

        An item that one might wear in a “scene” outfit (hippie, goth, glam, punk…) may be appropriate for a more professional or casual situation if the rest of the combo is toned down. Combining styles gets more difficult if you don’t have enough basic “bland” items.

        I never really bought into the capsule wardrobe, because honestly every example of capsule styles I saw looks hella boring to me. Besides, I want to have more than a few options ranging from “fancy wedding” to “cleaning the apartment”.

    4. BethDH*

      I’m not useful as a fashion consultant, but if you like these different styles depending on mood, my sense is that thinking of it as three capsules might be sensible rather than truly trying to combine and overlap? I did much better with the capsule concept when I admitted I had three really separate style moods/needs. I defined a dominant color or two and silhouettes for each. The silhouette was key — knowing I tended to wear a-line dresses or longer/looser tops and narrow pants made it easier to buy pieces that can be mixed.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Two bits of nested advice: A system, such as Marie Kondo’s shirt folding, that makes your whole wardrobe visible. (I was living off the top seven shirts in my drawer, for example.) And a system, such as turning all the hangers backward on New Years Day, to determine whether you actually wear something that in theory is fine. (Any hangers that are still backwards a year later, at the end of the season, etc, are stuff you should get rid of because you don’t actually wear it.)

      1. Reba*

        Yes, getting really ruthlessly honest about things that don’t fit/aren’t comfortable (or in my case “I thought I would alter this to fit but I am never going to do that”) is key. When I did this I realized I had a lot of sunk cost in my closet!

        Wardrobe stuff has so many intangibles tied up with it. So having some plain information (like the hanger system) about what I *actually* wear, not just what I like, or what I’m hanging on to because I feel I ought to have this or that in my wardrobe, has been so helpful.

        This may be inspiring me to do a new wardrobe review in the new year, actually! Since it’s been like 2 years since I’ve had a lot of these things on my body, I’m sure my feelings towards a lot of items will have changed.

        I will never be a capsule wardrobe person (let alone a minimalist). I love clothes, and like Liz I like to wear different styles and silhouettes and have things to play with. But getting to a smaller wardrobe that doesn’t have any unworn filler in it, based on my life *now* is sounding good.

        1. Malarkey01*

          I agree with getting past the sunk cost idea. For me, if I put something on an don’t feel great in it I get rid of it. I want everything in my closet to me something I’m happy wearing and not have the 15 minutes of staring at clothes or taking something on and off. If something gets torn or damaged it also needs to go (assuming it’s not a quick repair) which can be hard when you really love it.

          I dont really follow a capsule wardrobe but I do try to minimize what I have to about 10 days of revolving outfits per season for casual and work (although WFH does have me eyeing some work stuff for thinning out too).

          Once you only have things you feel great in you can see if there are any gaps or if a certain style starts to emerge. It’s also totally fine to have a few different looks based on your activity or mood.

      2. Ali + Nino*

        I <3 the Mari Kondo process in principle, and got past a couple of steps, but I could never manage to fold my shirts the way she describes! They always just end up flopping all over the place (it doesn't seem like I have too much in there; if anything, it's a lack of shirts to fill up the space.) Is her illustrated book "Spark Joy" more helpful? What am I missing?

        1. Rrrrach*

          Ali + Nino, having lots of space may be thing causing the issue as my shirts are more closely packed in, so holding each other up. Could you put something like a low-sided cardboard box in there and store smaller items in the box, like belts etc, while it provides a kind of book end to the shirts?
          I found watching her programmes on Netflix most instructive for the folding (am a visual learner!).

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          Agree with Rrrrach about the space issue and box solution.

          I looked up something like “Marie Kondo shirts” on YouTube.

          1. Anonymous*

            Thank you both for the good ideas! Now I have to start hunting for things that could serve as “bookends” – two birds, one scone!

      3. Might Be Spam*

        I definitely need to have everything visible. I have to hang up everything except my underwear and socks or I forget what I have and buy more. Drawers just don’t work well for me.

        Apparently I like blue a lot more than I realized. I went through my closet and dresser recently, and ended up donating 4 bags of clothing because I had so many duplicates. Mostly blue pants and shirts.

      4. SelinaKyle*

        I used her technique for the my casual T-shirts. It’s so much easier to find the one I want, and they take up less space.

    6. Jay*

      I had bariatric surgery four years ago and lost 200 lbs. Since I’d been wearing plus sizes for over 30 years, I had no idea what clothes I liked or what my style was. I bought a lot of things on ThredUp – I don’t think I paid full price for anything for the first 18 months – and gave myself permission to buy what appealed to me and see what worked. Now I know that I prefer a fairly tailored style for work and don’t really like flowy things even for casual wear. This was a surprise since so many clothes for fat women are very flowy – I thought that was my style. Not so much.

      You don’t have to choose one style! I don’t have a capsule wardrobe. I think that’s helpful if you want to be consistent and reduce the time needed to choose an outfit in the morning. I’m not particularly concerned about either of those things. Buy and wear the clothes that make you happy. I have not completely Marie Kondo’d my life but I do use her folding method for my drawers – as someone said, it’s great to see everything I have – and I have also learned to let go of things that don’t please me. I just put a blouse in the giveaway box because the sleeves don’t work for me. I kept putting it on – I love the print and fabric – and then taking it off because the sleeves were annoying. I finally realized I was never going to wear it.

      For sorting: my closet has sections for clothing types (jackets, slacks, blouses, dresses) and is then roughly sorted by color within categories. Very roughly, at this point. Most of my slacks and skirts are neutrals so I can wear them with any of the tops or jackets. I didn’t do that on purpose – I guess I don’t like vividly printed slacks or skirts!

      I also grew up with a lot of internalized messages misogyny and thought any interest in fashion was shallow and frivolous. My mother was fashion-conscious and I was DETERMINED to be a Serious Person who didn’t mess with that silly stuff. My mother was also a size 6 and since I couldn’t be that thin, I decided it was all stupid anyway. I had to start dealing with that bias when my daughter was 8 and she said “I am not like you. I am like Aunt Susanne. We are FASHION.” She’s now 21 and my best style guide. ENJOY YOURSELF. This should be FUN.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        This is great advice. Keep what you like, add what appeals to you, and enjoy yourself. For me, a dress or skirt comes out only for a special occasion, something like once a year, and the rest of the time I’m in pants because that’s what’s most comfortable. Most of my pants are black or stone (or whatever you want to call that not quite beige, not quite gray color) because any top I own works with one of those. Some pants are more casual than others. I find that I can grab whatever top I feel like wearing that day and they work.

    7. WellRed*

      It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that doesn’t have a clear sense of style but has two or three. Get rid of everything you don’t like or doesn’t fit to start.

    9. Mid*

      I like using Pinterest as a way to figure out what my style actually is. Pin things that appeal to you and see what appears the most. Then from there, focus on finding things that make you feel the best.

    10. Colette*

      This isn’t really an answer, but my rule for clothes shopping is that I don’t buy anything that I like less than whatever I wore to the store. It has really helped me avoid buying clothes I won’t wear.

      Maybe put on an outfit you like, and then go through your other clothes – if you like them as much, they stay, if not, they go.

    11. JSPA*

      Don’t base it on liking how the outfit looks, but on liking yourself while wearing the outfit. (Many outfits are great outfits…for someone else.) “I could see myself in this, doing X” is another way to look at it. If you only come up with, “I could see myself in this” scenarios that are not something you do, expect to do, or aspire to do, it’s probably not clothing “for you.”

      On a separate note: Many people don’t have a single, integrated identity or self-image. If you don’t happen to have that, then the clothes that work for you won’t have that, either.

      When someone has some lingering or buried “feels” about having “more than one way of being or presenting,” it’s easy to outsource that low-level sense of anxiety onto the resulting hodge-podge of clothes in the closet. But identity comfort isn’t something that I’d expect to get worked out successfully by getting tough with your wardrobe (or with yourself, for that matter). Be nice to yourself, even (or especially) if, as Walt Whitman put it, you “contain multitudes.”

    12. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

      What do you wear most often? I ended up revamping my wardrobe to purely athleisure, bar a couple nice dresses (for those times when I need to look more “professional”), because that’s what I tend to wear most. And most of it is black, because, again, that’s what I wear most often.

      Of course, I hear a lot about how this is “giving up”, or “lazy” — tbh, I am. I don’t want to think about my clothes. Oh well.

      1. Blythe*

        Yet, note that men are not labeled as “giving up” or “lazy” if they wear the same thing every day (slacks and button down shirt?)! That was my final push toward simplifying my wardrobe choices– if I WANT to pull out some of my more interesting pieces to wear, I can! But if I want to wear more of a uniform, that is totally acceptable too. If men do it, so can I!

        1. Chauncy Gardener*

          Totally agree, Blythe! My “uniform” is pants/jeans or a skirt, a cardigan with a shell or turtleneck. Add boots or sandals or whatever shoes and jewelry and done. If I had more of a style clue, I’d add a scarf or something, but got none o that!

        2. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

          Precisely, Blythe. It’s obnoxious how much women have to think about their clothes and be fashionable and come up with elebenty sebenty wan outfits. I’m over it.

    13. Blythe*

      No advice, but enthusiasm! My wardrobe is a mix of clothes I have had for YEARS (like, since high school, clothes I inherited from my mom, and clothes I just sort of.. picked up along the way. During winter break I plan to pack away lots of it, give away some of it, and maybe buy a few new pieces to round it out. I am OBSESSED with the dresses at sondeflor . com. Too pricey to buy in bulk, but I might get one! My dream would be for my workday wardrobe to be entirely full skirts/cardigans/tights/boots or flats and my weekend wardrobe to be entirely leggings/jeans.

      If anyone has any ideas about where to get good quality dresses like the ones I mentioned, I would be grateful!! I want simple designs, full skirts, and long lasting quality.

      1. Anon dress wearer*

        Blythe, I have an entire wardrobe full of good quality dresses from Virginia Dare Dress Co, a small woman-owned business in Virginia. I love their Emma dress style, A-line with a fairly full skirt, machine washable, and great pockets. (Every style has pockets!)

        1. Blythe*

          THANK YOU!!! I hardly dared even hope for pockets. Machine washable, full skirt, AND pockets?! The dream!

      2. Mimi*

        Blythe, have you looked at eshakti? You’ll need to do some searching to get the same “classy old-fashioned” style I’m seeing at sondeflor, but they do have some, and the prices are cheaper even if you get the custom tailoring. Also, pockets!

        Vermont Country Store might be worth looking at, too, though you’ll want to keep an eye out to make sure the skirts are as full as you want.

    14. Tib*

      In it’s simplest form, a capsule wardrobe is a small collection of clothes that coordinate so you can make more outfits with fewer pieces. It’s a fun thing to do, but you don’t have to have a capsule to have a small, flexible wardrobe. Or you could have 3 smaller capsules instead of one big one. If you work your way up to 2 bottoms and 3 tops in each style, you’d have 6 possible outfits within each style, maybe a few mixed outfits, and you’d still have a small wardrobe. I’d start with pulling your favorite pieces and see what they have in common: color, texture, style, etc. Then pick one piece and create outfits with that piece. Take pictures of your favorite outfits so you remember them. There’s an app called Stylebook that you can use to save them or you can just create an album on your phone. Take notes of the pieces you’d like to add. If you chose the right lounge clothes, that coordinate with other things, they can be part of the wardrobe as well. Work your way through your wardrobe and see where the gaps are. And modify or get rid of anything you don’t like and don’t wear. Looking stylish takes work and forethought but the process can be a lot of fun too.

    15. QuietOne*

      I feel this – have no advice just solidarity. I have a sneaking feeling that some of my favorite clothes don’t actually look good on me. Maybe my gift to myself this year should be a stylist?

    16. Oh, clothes*

      I too have trouble remembering what goes with what. I finally made a list. Such as: “Gray silk jacket goes with gray silk skirt OR black wool pants OR patterned gray and black skirt….” I would keep adding when I found a new combination that worked. Oh and I added accessories for each outfit too (a certain scarf or necklace or whatever) when appropriate. There is a similar method I’ve heard of, which is to write it all down on large hanging tags for each piece of clothing (you attach the tag to the hanger, not the clothes). So the gray jacket would have a tag on the hanger that said all of the above. Then when you pull out the gray jacket, the hang tag tells you exactly what to pull out next! And the gray skirt’s tag would have the gray jacket on its tag, along with whatever else I’d found goes with the gray skirt. Etc.

    17. Not Your Sweetheart*

      Any item can be part of the capsule. Just make sure any thing you bring into your wardrobe can be worn with at least 2 other items.
      The 2 most important things to consider are : fit (does it fit you correctly and make you look good), and how you feel while wearing it. I worked in a clothing store for a few years, and one thing I learned is that the right clothing makes all the difference.
      Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Ask friends for opinions, ask store associates (some of them do know what they’re talking about). If you can find it, watch the original British version of “What not to Wear” They went into detail about body shapes, styles and colors, while working with a person’s taste.

    18. lissajous*

      A few things that help me make sure new items are more likely to be worn:
      – I dislike synthetic material. Polyester is right out – sticky and sweaty in summer, useless for keeping warm in winter. Mostly I go for cotton and wool as much as possible; there’s often a bit of elastane or similar (especially jeans and tshirts), but as long as it’s majority cotton it’s fine.
      – I hate ironing. Knits are great for not needing ironing, and I try and make sure I hang clothes to dry almost as soon as they washing machine is done so that they don’t wrinkle in the machine. I also avoid linen, even though it’s such a good warm weather fabric!
      – I know the colours I like and that suit me. When one is “in” that year, I try and get stuff. (I swear these days every shop does stuff in whatever the Pantone colours of the year are, plus neutrals. It’s extremely tedious., and means some years I don’t buy anything.)

      Thoughts on the clothes groups:
      I have summer and winter office work clothes and casual clothes; a small amount of exercise clothing; comfy lounging about stuff; and old clothes for grubbing about in the garden and bushwalking (ironically my winter gardening clothes are also workwear, but that’s because I have hi-vis gear for site. In that situation more ingrained dirt = more credibility!). And some fancy going out stuff, ranging from “tops that will take these pants from office wear to going out wear” to “fancy dresses for weddings.” Plus pjs.
      It adds up. I look at my cupboard and go “oh, that’s a lot of clothes,” but I use them. I go through and weed out anything worn out once a year or so, but I buy decent stuff and it lasts. (One of my work tops needs replacing, a white cotton short sleeve knit with a collar, it’s brilliant for summer. And I’ve had for, uh, about twenty years. It’s finally wearing through on the collar/shoulder intersection.) Sometimes I think I have too many tshirts, but then I go on holiday or work from home for a while and suddenly I’ve got the right amount to get me through a week with a few spare.

      On the theory about getting rid of stuff if you haven’t worn it for a year: it’s ok in general, but I have some exceptions:
      – Fancy outfits. I have three or four dresses that are wedding-guest level dressy, I love them and they suit me, I look fantastic in them. None of this going out and buying a new dress every time; when you find one you really like, fits well and is comfy, and you like how you look in it: get it and keep it, then it’s ready to go whenever you do need something for an event. (Bonus: you won’t be in the same style dress as ten other people at the wedding.) Same goes for some very fancy tops I have. And one work top I never wear day-to-day (see above re: ironing) but is great for interviews.
      – Specific use gear. Some years I just don’t get to go out bushwalking, and the old clothes I keep around specifically for that don’t get used. Doesn’t matter, I know I’ll get out again at some point, and I’m going to want them. Or I have some cold weather gear for snowy conditions – snow is not a thing where I live, but I’m going to want it again someday when we can travel again, and that stuff is pricey! In the meantime, I take care of it so it’s ready when I need it.

    19. Wilde*

      I’m working through this right now! I’ve had two kids back to back and am planning on having more before I go back to work.

      So I’ve streamlined my outfits into a couple of capsules. One capsule is clothes I wear when I’m out with the kids getting messy or staying at home. The other capsule is dressy casual.

      Making a list of the items I have helped me identify gaps and the number of pieces and outfits I need to get to washing day. So for me, it’s six messy outfits and four dressy casual. My goal is for every piece to fit comfortably and look good, even if it’s covered in paint or food. This helped me get rid of so many (so many!) things.

      Then when purchasing new pieces, I’m hyper focused. I’ve picked some colours for my palette and have a list of specific items I want. It must fit well, be long enough for my body, and be able to stand up to regular hot washes and going in the dryer. Nothing that needs ironing either. Ideally it’s also ethically sourced according to my criteria (second hand, or designed and preferably made in my small country if I’m buying new).

      Hope this helps! Would love an update or two as you go through the journey.

    20. allathian*

      Good luck on your style journey!

      I don’t have a definitive style, unless long-sleeve knit t-shirts that don’t need ironing and stretch jeans can be called a style. I wear those the vast majority of the time, because my office has a casual dress code. I love the fact that when I get home from work, on the days I go to the office, I don’t have to change into something more comfortable unless I want to. I know that for some people, changing into more comfortable clothes is a key part of the ritual of coming home from work, but I’ve never needed outside reminders like that. (I suspect that’s also why it’s so easy for me to stop working mentally when I log off my work computer and close the lid.)

      I also have a few pairs of black straight pants that I’ve worn to job interviews, conferences, a funeral or two, and a casual wedding (black pants are fine at casual weddings with a colorful top). I also have a long dress for more formal weddings. These happen so seldom that I have absolutely no compunctions about wearing the same dress to multiple weddings. I have body image issues about my legs, and won’t wear a skirt or dress that’s shorter than ankle length.

      I’ve never owned any piece of clothing that has to be dry cleaned.

      I really should go through my clothes and eliminate all of the ones that don’t fit me anymore or are threadbare. They’re definitely not fit for reuse by anyone else. I absolutely detest shopping for clothes, so I tend to wear them until they drop off me. I also hate ironing, so clothes that need to be ironed tend to stay in my closet.

      I still have my prom dress in a closet, even though I know that I’ll never fit into it again.

      I’ll admit that I’ve never cared very much about clothes, at least not once I grew out of my late teens and early twenties, when I was very self-conscious and cared a lot about my image. The only piece of clothing that I remember that’s ever sparked any joy in me was the first pair of Levi’s jeans that I bought with my first ever paycheck. My parents were neither conservative nor religious, but they did consider a preoccupation with style and fashion to be superficial and silly, and I guess some of that attitude carried over to me as well, at least once Levi’s jeans were no longer in fashion like they were in the early 90s.

    21. Batgirl*

      I think it’s pretty common and part of exploring your look to build up a big pile of clothes that you don’t wear, but my best tips for avoiding it as much as possible are:
      1) Decide what’s “too much trouble”. For most people “changing your body shape” is definitely on the list, for me it’s also “needs to be ironed/dry cleaned”.
      2) Hold up the colour up next to your face before buying. If it washes you out, you’re going to avoid wearing it, even if you think you don’t get what colours suit you.
      3) Try everything on. It has to be as good/better than something you already love. It should also work with things you already own.
      4) Comfort. I never saw anyone wearing something uncomfortable who managed to look stylish.
      5) It’s not just okay, but preferable, to return from shopping trips empty handed. It doesn’t mean you suck at style or that you don’t know what you like. It’s like dating in that discerning customers sometimes go home alone.

    22. Olive Hornby*

      There’s a fantastic book called The Curated Closet that takes you through how to find your personal style and buy clothes accordingly. It’s definitely worth a look, especially if you feel you’re building style from the ground up.

      1. suffix*

        Agree! The images used in the book are nowhere near my style, but it’s really helped me develop and shop for my own.

    23. Squirrel Nutkin*

      Maybe think about what shapes look good on you (might be different shapes for each of your styles, like tailored shirt for your hard butch style and A-line dress for your ’50s glam style) and toss anything that’s not in those shapes, trying to build up your collection of the shapes that DO look good on you? Single-color items are easier to mix and match than prints, but if you have some prints you love, you can work with them — just try to pair them with single-color items.

    24. CatLady*

      Find a shop whose style speaks to you. I was style-less too for a long time and then I found Anne Taylor Loft. A few years later as I matured I grew into White House Black Market and have been buying from them almost exclusively (occasionally Anne Taylor too). I don’t buy clothes often anymore (for obvious reasons) but if I need them, I go to WHBM first. I imagine at some point I’ll migrate to another style should I ever need work clothes again.

      Regardless – each shop usually have a vibe – find one that matches yours and go play.

    25. Quinalla*

      I know for me, I took it slow to find my style, finding things I liked and getting more like it and being ok with purging stuff that wasn’t working – either returns or donate. I enjoy going with more plain/match everything bottoms (jeans, khakis, one-color skirts) and then get fancy with the tops/dresses. That makes it fairly easy to match, but I still have variety and I usually have one or two bottoms that are not as matchy and have shirts that go with them.

      I 100% have to have my wardrobe visible. I have everything I can hung up. Jeans are stacked on a shelf where I can see them and sweaters too and underwear/socks in open bins in my closet on shelves as well.

      For things that don’t fit, I allow myself to save a handful of things I’d like to give to someone else cause they seem too cool to donate and I allow a small number of items that don’t fit but have sentimental value (my wedding dress, a couple event shirts, my band jacket, band shirt) that I’m ok with having, but they are in a guest room closet. Anything else that doesn’t fit if I think I’ll be able to fit into it again soon, I will box it up and put it away. If 2+ years go by and it still doesn’t fit, I generally donate at that point. I figure if I get to that size again, well I can have fun buying new clothes.

  10. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    As usual, this is not limited to fiction writing, feel free to talk about any writing you wish.
    I did almost nothing this week ^^’ I’m super busy lately so I haven’t had much time to do anything else that write down loose phrases or ideas that pop up into my head.

    1. The Dogman*

      I have only been managing to add to the vignettes I am writing for backgroud detail and as placs to explore ideas…

      It is still progress but I have hit a wall with one of my three main characters and I do not want to advance the others so far ahead when I still am not seeing the path forwards for this one person…

      It is very annoying!

        1. The Dogman*

          Hmmm, how to explain it…

          I have had them overcoming some danger (crashing spaceship, injured parents, and only 15 years old or so) and forming an alliance with an alien race (scifi space opera style novel) and I am having trouble seeing how I get from this “minor” threat part back to the main plot without being cheesy or dull… I need to explain his access to new technology, and how his new alien allies will act, maintain a threat to spur them to on to fix their broken starship and get off this dangerous planet, then build a fleet etc… without being boring or Deus X’ing it as that is always too easy and often used in SciFi.

          So in the meantime I have been doing bits from “behind the lines” on the worlds that have fallen to the greater enemy of the story, which at least keeps the creative bits moving but is not advancing the plot!

    2. DrunkAtAWedding*

      I’m working on a story about a woman who inherits her grandmother’s diner (and then meets and falls for an alien Prince). The diner is failing, mostly because it’s in a small town and most of the customers worked at the mine nearby, which recently closed. My character desperately wants to save it because, to her, it represents her grandmother and her childhood. However, apart from the lack of customers, she has some flaws that are making it harder. Mostly, she doesn’t want to be a manager and run a diner, she has no experience and she’s not good at it.

      I bring this up here because I was idly looking at old posts, looking for ideas for things a new manager might do which maybe sound good but which are actually really unhelpful. Not specific details, more ways of thinking. For example, she’s very independent and tends to try to solve problems herself, rather than ask for help. That means she doesn’t tell the staff what’s happening or ask them for their input, even though they have a lot more experience in the business and probably have some good ideas. She also thinks of leadership and management as being about power, like she has to make people respect her and do what she says. Like “I’m the boss and a good boss has people follow orders.”

      I know one thing she tries is reducing the portion sizes, which is a pretty good idea. She then shoots herself in the foot by giving in when a customer complains, which means the staff will now have to argue with that customer (and everyone he tells) every single time, because they can’t just give out free food like that. She also tries 50% off vouchers, but they don’t help because they don’t bring in new customers, they just mean the customers they already have end up paying less.

      Oh, I just had an idea. Because she thinks she needs to be doing everything herself and making every decision, maybe she has the staff come and ask her about something they could easily decide for themselves. Having to find and ask her means they can’t work efficiently, and means she gets even more stressed and can’t really have any time off.

      1. WellRed*

        Is she from the “big city.” Or is she local? Because that would set up some conflict and adjustments that aren’t specific to the nitty gritty of the diner.

        1. DrunkAtAWedding*

          Oh, that’s a good point. I know her parents weren’t in stable work and moved around a lot – one of the factors in why the diner represents home and stability to her – but I think I have been picturing her as being much more of a big city girl. So that might well be a factor.

      2. The Dogman*

        Not sure I can add much but it sounds like a fun concept, perhaps you could work in some of how she gets helps when she needs it, but have her use “business coaches” who are rubbish perhaps? Her reliance on outside “experts” could be used as a (minor) point of conflict maybe?

    3. HR Disney Princess*

      Not getting through as much writing as I’d like, but that’s about to change very soon. I was just accepted to a master’s program in creative writing. I will be going full time, and I just put my notice in at work. :) I’m looking forward to making up all the reading and writing that I haven’t had time for recently.

      1. Mstr*

        Congratulations!! Do you have a particular passion or project you’re pursuing? I mean like, poetry, screenwriting, want to come out of it with a draft of a novel, etc?

    4. MissGirl*

      I just released my latest novel so hooray for that. Now I can focus on a mystery, which I haven’t done in a while. It’ll be the fourth and final in a series. I’m outlining today. I think the murderer is going to be the 96-year-old matriarch of a powerful family. She’s faced with her imminent death and discovers the foundation of her family fortune is based on a mass murder by her father. Each generation has added to the fortune through nefarious means so she’s going to take out what’s left of the family before she dies.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I’m still on the fence about which book to work on. On one hand, there’s the end of the trilogy. I’ve already completed most of the alternate worldbuilding, although the language will take some extra work. I’d like to get as much of that done as possible before I write the draft.

      On the other, I’ve been sitting on something that may be commercially viable (possibly; maybe; IDK; probably not) and the climate seems ripe for it. I have a solid outline for this one. I’d like to at least write a first draft to see if it’s workable.

      I’m thinking I should start the second one and then work on the language for the first one in between. That way, I can do two things at once (thus saving time!) and still concentrate on the story for Number Two.

      It’s hard to even think about it while I’m still job hunting. The stress of that is taking up so much of my pandemic brain I can’t seem to concentrate on anything right now.

    6. Maryn B*

      It took a detailed spreadsheet to work out my timeline issues–way too much happening in too short a time period–but now that it’s solved, all I have to do is delete one event that happens on the page and make it happen off the page, with far less detail because the point of view character isn’t there to experience it. Not as bad as I’d feared. Whew!

      1. DrunkAtAWedding*

        Well done!

        Can you tell me more about this spreadsheet? Was it like a big table with a timeline for each character and notes of plot points?

        1. Maryn B*

          I’m happy to. I’ve structured entire novels this way, but what I’m working on didn’t seem that complex. Wrong!

          I start with the columns. Each character gets one except for walk-ons whose entire function is their job (i.e., bartender, cashier). So does setting, both specific (living room of Jack’s apartment) and general (Indianapolis), date and time of day, weather, and any important things I need to keep track of, like stolen money or who knows the family secret. Usually I end up with forty or fifty columns–and lots of them are empty cells, although it’s helpful to note things like “still missing” or “dead.”

          The rows are plot points and their details. I start with a structure I found online for screenplays, although the site is gone now.

          The hook and the set-up, takes about the first ten percent of total word count. Who is the main character, what’s their life like, that sort of thing.
          Turning point one, the opportunity for something in the character’s life to change, at about the ten percent mark
          The new situation as the character pursues change, taking ten to twenty-five percent of the way in.
          Turning point two, change of plans. Something about the opportunity doesn’t go as expected and now the character as a new, firm goal.
          Progress toward the new goal, from twenty-five percent in to the halfway point.
          Turning point three, the point of no return, where the main character commits to a plan of action and cannot ever return to things the way they were before.
          The stakes get higher and complications arise, from the halfway point to three-fourths of the way through.
          Turning point four, a major setback, at the three-quarters mark.
          The final push, where it’s all or nothing, which can go nearly to the end or stop about ten percent from the end, depending on the length of…
          The climax, when your character succeeds or fails.
          The aftermath, when your character is living their new, different life, changed by events.

          In between these plot points I list specific scenes–a secret meeting, an argument with the friend who isn’t really a friend, the encounter with an unexpected ally–and find I usually have fifty or sixty rows total.

          It takes me weeks to complete a spreadsheet, but once I have, I never have the horror of wondering what’s next or writing myself into an impossible situation. The worst that happens is I get a better idea. Then I copy the spreadsheet and change the copy to include the new idea and all that changes because of it.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I was inspired to write an extended post on my blog, describing my first overnight birding outing of the winter. The focus is on birds of prey, and I wanted this post to include a full narrative and not just a few words squeezed between the photos. It feels good to be writing more. (My blog is the same name as my handle.)

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        How cool! That is incredible news. I can only imagine how gratifying it will be to see the story published.

  11. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    As usual, this is not limited to video games, so feel free to talk about any kind of games you wish including board games and phone games.
    I haven’t done much gaming this week as I have been rather busy, unfortunately. I’ve mostly been playing a little nonogram (picross) game on my phone called Somnus, which is basically the story of a young girl conquering her nightmares. It’s surprisingly calming.

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        Mysterium is so fun! I managed to play with my averse-to-game-rules parents and they had fun with it :) Very pleased

      2. DrKMnO4*

        Mysterium is so cool! We have the expansions for it too, which add new art cards and a new third “tier” option. I love that the game is different every time you play it, even if you’re playing it with the same group of people.

      4. Quinalla*

        Another one in love with this game, if I had my way we’d play it every time we had about 5 people to play a game. It is so interesting trying to figure out how people’s minds work in how they make associations with the cards. Not everyone likes this one, but when you have a group that is really into it, super fun! I really enjoy the hidden role type games as it is so interesting trying to figure out how people’s minds work, but this you are all trying to work together, not even 2 teams or more working against each other, so super fun!

    2. Chief Petty Officer*

      I’m working on Lightning Returns! I recently got a game guide for it, courtesy of some friends of mine. I’ve played the game for years, so I don’t precisely NEED the guide, but having it is fun. I can use a new strategy for it that I don’t ordinarily use.

    3. Noxalas*

      I mentioned not really feeling Wandersong last week, and I take that back – the last third is PACKED with great moments. The gameplay from the second half of Act 5 onward was what I wish the earlier part of the game had been like. There’s a lot of character development and the game does some cool stuff with defined roles (the titles of the trophies are icing on the cake.) By the end, I had a big, dopey grin on my face just like the Bard’s. That and it was 2 AM on a weeknight. But so worth it.

    4. Koala dreams*

      I played Love Letter and Murder of Crows. Not a fan of Love Letter, but quite like Murder of Crows. It helps that Murder of Crows is easier to get into.

      Does anyone have recommendations for games to play with children?

      2. Quinalla*

        Animal Upon Animal is awesome at that age range – wooden animal stacking game. It is also fun to play as an adult too. My kids also liked Catan Junior a lot, might be a little much for a 4-year-old, depends on the kid. Sticky Chameleons (everyone has a sticky “tongue” they are trying to catch bugs with is hilarious. We had a few other HABA games – they tend to have some of the best kids games.

    5. The Dude Abides*

      Had to tweak some decks due to the Alchemy rollout on Arena which…yikes.

      Currently waiting patiently for the LGS to re-stock KMC hard perfect fits, as I have multiple decks that badly need re-sleeved (I’ve already used 4-5 packs, and need to get to 3 EDH decks).

    6. urban teacher*

      Just went to PAX unplugged this weekend. I now want Bad Zombies, Good Dogs but not enough to pay for it until after the holidays.

  12. Virginia Plain*

    On the very slim chance that anyone reading this is in the south of England and thinking of going to Winchester today, perhaps for Christmas shopping and the excellent Christmas market; catch the carol singers from 1500 by the Christmas tree in the high street. They are going to be awesome ;-)

    1. DrunkAtAWedding*

      I am in the North, but I can tell friends in Birmingham and hopefully they can send it further south.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I wish I could do this! Christmas is the only season I haven’t been to the UK. I’d like to visit the markets and see a pantomime. Perhaps sometime in the future after the plague goes away.

    3. I'm So Excited*

      I’ll be in Winchester on Monday, but not today/tomorrow, sorry! (hello fellow UK reader :))

  13. londonedit*

    The other week I saw something on the TV that gave me an idea for a festive weekend thread question: what Christmas/festive/holiday traditions exist in your country/culture that absolutely no one else would understand?

    The thing that sparked it was seeing an episode of the BBC’s One Show (a sort of weekday magazine programme at 7pm, with little films from around the country and presenters in the studio with celebrity guests plugging whatever they’re doing). On this episode they had Maggie Gyllenhaal and Dakota Johnson promoting a film…and Craig Revel Horwood, a judge on Strictly Come Dancing (our Dancing with the Stars) who was plugging his turn in panto this year. Apparently the two Hollywood stars had been briefed on pantomime beforehand but they were Just. So. Confused.

    For the uninitiated, pantomime (known almost universally as panto) is a theatre production aimed at the whole family – usually it’s based on a fairytale, like Cinderella or Puss in Boots or Dick Whittington, and it’s completely OTT with mad costumes and glitter and everything camp. It’s an integral part of the British Christmas season – a panto will usually run from early December until some time in January, and they always feature a celebrity or two making a tit of themselves (in Britain we love seeing people making tits of themselves, especially celebs). There are all sorts of traditions that must be adhered to – the main male part is known as the ‘principal boy’ and is played by a woman, and there’s always a ‘pantomime dame’ played by a man in the most outrageous giant drag costume, the bigger and wackier the better. There’s also always a pantomime fairy. Audience participation is essential, with loud boos and hisses for the baddies, cries of ‘He’s behind you!’ whenever the baddie inevitably sneaks up on someone, and there’s always a call-and-response ‘Oh yes it is!’ ‘Oh no it isn’t!’. If all of that sounds absolutely mad, yes it is. It’s camp and outrageous and crammed full of innuendo, and it’s been going on for hundreds of years.

    So what mad Christmas traditions do you have that would completely baffle the casual observer (and/or members of the Gyllenhaal family)?

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I just mentioned upthread that I’d love to see a panto. :)

      We don’t really have any weird holiday traditions in my family; it’s almost depressingly normal. I always wanted to start something bonkers if I had my own family, though.

    3. Sleeping Late Every Day*

      I’ve been trying to find cultural things from the countries of origin of my ancestors to add into our very quiet, generic Christmas. So far, it’s mostly food, and listening to music on Radio Garden ( AMAZING web stations from everywhere imaginable around the globe). Other ideas will have to wait until post-plague, like finding churches in our city that still have ties to their original ethnic founding. Of course, it could be interesting to dress as one of St. Nicholas’s grim, punitive companions and terrorize the neighborhood children in early December.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I really enjoyed the threads here about American Thanksgiving foods – I’m from the US but still think things like jello molds and green bean casserole are extremely weird.

      A lot of Christmas stories are super odd. Yes, let’s celebrate the birth of Jesus/coming of Santa with… a ballet about dolls fighting rats, and a book about ghosts bullying the rich.

      My aunt did a lot of things I think are baffling even as a participant. We would do a swap style gift game except… all the gifts were from her? I think it was just an excuse to stock up on things when there were good sales but it ended up defeating the purpose/fun of the game on many levels because no one else contributed things and it’s like, well, there are 4 different birdhouses and 6 pairs of gloves, how much stealing is even going to happen? She would also make everyone take turns sitting on a chair so she could take multiple posed photos of each individual opening their gifts. Her gifts were often bad and/or embarrassing and it created so much extra pressure to fake enthusiasm beyond normal politeness, AND she somehow manages to take the most unflattering photos I’ve ever seen then print and distribute multiple copies of them! All around terrible tradition, would not recommend lol

    5. The Dogman*

      And if anyone is interested in it go see one soon since there are activist groups trying to get all pantos banned!

      Some people have no sense of fun or tradition it seems…

        1. The Dogman*

          There have been death threats on twitter and I know there were protests outside a few pantos near me in South Wales… Pretty sure Christopher Biggins was harrassed a bit since that is his main gig really.

          1. Laura Petrie*

            I could only find an article in the Daily Express about this, and Biggins didn’t mention harassment. It still sound to me like tabloid manufactured outrage

            1. Freelance Anything*

              Maybe people are just upset about having to see *Christopher Biggins* in a Panto?

              But yeah, I don’t think this is an actual real thing.

            2. The Dogman*

              That is weird, cos a simple google search finds 79,700 results and in the first 3 pages almost all are articles or posts about how panto is transphobic and needs to be banned.

              Some of them are articles on people like Mr Biggins who are getting abuse from the TRA’s.

              Strange you get such a different result online really.

              Locally to me there were protests outside the theatre in the city in 2019 about panto being transphobic too.

              1. Lemons*

                I searched a couple of different variants, with and without Biggins, and most of the results are unconnected. The sole article from this year is classic churnalism with identical wording in each result, which is the hallmark of a press release.
                Could you get be examples of campaigners who actually have any clout in this area? Leaving aside that ‘activist groups’ can’t actually ‘ban’ things themselves, but all the articles I’m getting just refer to unnamed ‘activists’ and I’d like some solid sources to follow up.
                Biggins has been banging this drum since at least 2016 and just updates his gripe for whatever he sees as threatening the grand institution that year (Yewtree, Weinstein, COVID). If anyone’s trying to ‘ban’ him, it clear hasn’t worked yet. He seems to have a ready audience for anything he’s miffed about, though, so there’s a backup career for him if he ever quits panto. Which he’s also been threatening to do for the last four years.
                Whether his art form is truly at risk or not, it certainly gets him a lot of headlines.

                1. AGD*

                  Seconding. Complaining about “trans activists” who are supposedly out for blood is what British folks eager to perpetuate fearmongering do, so I have no sympathy for that. It usually isn’t true and it endangers my trans friends.

                2. pancakes*

                  You do understand that even the sharpest critics of something cultural don’t have the capability of banning it, yes? And that making one’s adversaries out to be as powerful as that is a traditional scare tactic?

                  Whether you agree or not, I read an article about this yesterday and contrary to what you say, the form seems to be getting more inclusive rather than shrinking away. “Happy queer Christmas! Drag kings and queens’ festive spectaculars” in the Guardian lists several LGBTQ-centric productions.

                3. The Dogman*

                  I would not name names on this sort of forum, I don’t like the tactics of harrassment that are so popular these days, but there are a few twitter activists who get pretty heated each each about this, there are small local groups in my city, and I cannot assume my city is unique, who protest pantos each year claiming that pantos are “violence”.

                  Personally I think pantos are pretty boring, but a lot of people seem to love them and I have never seen anything that calls for violence against trans people in a panto… admittedly I am not a panto expert… so I wonder why anyone can get excited enough to even complain on twitter, let alone go to stand outside one with a sign!

                  But people do.

                  In regards campaigners… would the people who claim all traditonal pantos are racist, homophobic and transphobic count? They produced a panto called Madre Goose as I recall. Or the trans support group who made a police complaint of “transphobia” about a childrens hospital charity panto? Dames on the Run was the name of that panto.

                  I do agree Mr Biggins is probably over-egging it to get eyes on pantos, he is a bit keen on the limelight for sure.

                  I don’t particularly care about pantos, again not my cup of tea, but I think when people are calling for it to be banned on twitter etc it is at least notable in terms of the culture battles over what is permitted and what must be said.

                4. Lemons*

                  If they’re ‘activist groups’ they’re presumably publicly identifiable, and have made public statements. I’m not after Twitter handles of private individuals, nor your location. Even Biggins’ latest interview didn’t specify, just those nebulous ‘campaigners’ again.
                  You seem to be conflating people who take a dim view of traditional panto- and who, in the spirit of ‘if you don’t like it why don’t you make your own?’ provided an alternative- with an undefined, anonymous, yet extremely influential group who ‘want all pantos banned’.

                  I wonder how people get excited about the threat of a vanishingly unlikely hypothetical, but here we are, and it certainly fuels the British national press.

                5. Lemons*

                  “Dames on the Run was a charity fun run, not a panto (although the theme was crossdressing dames). The police received a complaint in 2015 but stated they were not investigating. It seems to have continued in subsequent years.
                  Interestingly though, in light of taking a more critical look at how news is presented and spread, and who’s allowed to say what, there’s a response from the founder of the trans support network who had allegedly lodged the complaint that she had not actually done so, and certainly hadn’t reported it as a ‘hate crime’. She claims to have only called the event insensitive and asked for a different theme, but all subsequent reports- again, churnalism- quoted her by name, without apparently contacting her for verification.

                6. Laura Petrie*

                  Ah those ‘activists’ who want to ban everything Middle England and the right wing press holds dear.

                  I’d also like examples rather than hearsay and vague ‘threats’. Judging by the sheer amount of different pantos on offer in my liberal, queer friendly city, they don’t seem to be under threat here.

    6. Nela*

      I heard of panto for the first time on this week’s episode of My Dad Wrote A Porno podcast… The title of their production is “Cinderella the Intern” iirc.

      I don’t think we have any unusual festivities in my country this time of year… besides giving spray-painted twigs decorated with ribbons to children (along with presents) on St Nicholas day, as a warning to be good… Although corporal punishment is no longer socially acceptable. I have no idea why the twigs just won’t go away.

    7. Anon log host*

      So a log will be coming to live with us any day now, it is currently finding its way down the mountain (it should have already arrived but I haven’t been able to get it down from the attic without the kids seeing). It has a face and a red cap. It will live with us and until 24 December we will feed it overnight with fruit and stuff (parents eat it after children are asleep) and in our house it will also have books read to it but this is not traditional. On Christmas Eve we will cover it with blankets and beat it with sticks, singing “sh*t, log, sh*t, Christmas log, don’t sh*t herring, it’s too salty, sh*t nougat, it’s much nicer”. Then under the blankets are small presents and nougat. (Search for Caga Tió if you want videos. There’s one where some guy thinks that Tió means uncle, but he’s got his languages confused, this isn’t Spanish, it’s Catalan.)

    8. Person from the Resume*

      Upriver from New Orleans on the Mississippi River, people in St James and St. John the Baptist build elaborately designed bonfires and light them on Christmas Eve to light the way for Papa Noel.

      Check out the link to see the amazing and huge alligator this one group is building, just to set it on fire on Christmas Eve.

      https://www.wwltv.com/amp/article/life/holidays/st-james-christmas-eve-bonfires-levee-return-2021/289-c80a4b4d-e690-492f-8c84-c5178225cdec

    9. Koala dreams*

      I read an article about weird Christmas traditions in different countries a few years ago. The US one, ugly Christmas sweaters, has showed up in my country since then, with lots of confusing commercials.

      The weirdest food tradition for Christmas is dipping bread in the water you cooked the ham in and eating that as a light lunch (the ham is saved for the big dinner). I want the ham on the bread!

    10. Chauncy Gardener*

      Ohh thank you for this! Just found out a Christmas tradition in Spain is an ornament (?) of a man defecating. I have sooo many questions. True? Why (oh, why)?

      1. Anon log host*

        Catalonia, not Spain, and it’s not a standalone thing, you hide it in the manger, often there’s another person peeing. There are hundreds on sale; in the tourist areas you can find famous characters and politicians. It’s about the coexistence of the divine and the profane I guess.

    11. banoffee pie*

      Wow I’ve learned something here. I had no idea they don’t have pantos in the US! I don’t know why but I just assumed they were a worldwide thing, or at least an English-speaking country thing. As a kid I always used to go to pantos in the Grand Opera House in Belfast. It was one of the highlights of the Christmas season :)

      1. pancakes*

        We do have it at a lovely little theater near my neighborhood in downtown NYC, the Abrons Arts Center, but only as of the past few years. It’s a production of Jack & the Beanstalk and everyone shouts at a giant, villainous Rump.

    12. WS*

      Every year, people take their candles to their local Christmas Carols and almost every year there’s a total fire ban and you can’t light them. The other year it gets rained out. And yet people still take candles!

    13. Retired Prof*

      This was just my family, but my mom made nearly inedible fruitcake every year. It was her own personal tradition, and incredibly important to her, so we’d choke it down with a few funny comments. Then she had a stroke and after a very difficult year, she died. When we were cleaning up the house, we opened a tin in the kitchen…and there was the final fruitcake. So we broke it out, and cut it up and again choked it down – this time with tears and cherished memories. No one else will ever make fruitcake like my mom.

    14. Upside*

      This is incredible. It’s the most unexpected, unheard of (US here), and yet of COURSE British people do that. I have some exposure to old-style folk Christmas traditions from Britain, albeit as reconstructed by Americans, and the performance includes similar stock characters, audience callbacks, etc. I’ve never heard of panto, but the elements you describe feel so similar that it is no surprise that all of these things I’m familiar with originated in the same place that would produce the panto you describe! Thanks for sharing.

      To answer your question though, yesterday my Jewish partner was remarking on how weird it is that in most areas of the States (as far as we know), a high enough percentage of parents tells children that Santa Clause is literally real, such that adults perpetuate this mass delusion until the kids can work it out for themselves that he’s not! As a child her parents told her, “Most of the other kids believe in this thing Santa Claus. Don’t tell them it’s not real.” And she was like, “How is this a thing?!” I could imagine some other country’s culture does not include such an element of childhood delusion on any topic, and people would be astounded to hear of it. To be clear, I grew up with Santa Claus and don’t have any problem with the custom, but on the face of it it is a weird thing.

      1. AGD*

        I’m also Jewish and am thrilled that I never had to deal with the whole Santa Claus thing. I think it’s probably harmless most of the time, but it seriously weirds me out.

      3. Dark Macadamia*

        I loved believing in Santa as a kid and it never occurred to me not to continue with my kids, but it’s honestly weird. It’s really fun and exciting for them now, but I don’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would and I think I’ll be a little relieved when they figure it out

      4. marvin the paranoid android*

        The Santa Claus thing is weird to me too. My mother didn’t go in for it, so I grew up just thinking of it as a story rather than actual reality. I didn’t realize other kids were being told anything different until I was a lot older. I guess at the time I assumed everyone was just playing along with a bit that we all recognized as fake. To me, if you want to take part in this tradition, making your kids aware that it’s not literally true seems kindest. I know a few people who were somewhat traumatized when they found out Santa wasn’t real, and I’m not generally a fan of messing with children’s sense of reality, since they’re pretty vulnerable to it.

      5. Jacey*

        I’m also Jewish, and my parents never talked to us about Santa at all… so at a young age I just assumed that my peers were right and Santa was real. I remember that in 1st or 2nd grade another kid said, “Santa can’t be real because it’s impossible to visit every house in the world in one night,” and I tore him a new one because 1) he was upsetting a friend of mine who still believed and 2) “Santa doesn’t come to MY house—not everyone is Christian!” I think a teacher had to come break up the argument… not sure whether I’m amused or mortified at that memory xD

      6. Random Biter*

        Ok…my favorite Santa story….at the time my daughter was probably around 6 or 7 years old, just when kids are having serious doubts about Santa. We were on our way to Christmas Eve service at church on a very cold, drizzly, dreary evening. The parking lot of our church bordered the backyards of a very nice housing development. As we were getting out of the car, my daughter whispered to me, “Mom! LOOK!” There, peering into the window of one of the homes, was Santa. Yes, he was probably there for a Christmas party at the home, waiting for the signal to make his appearance, but the timing was just too perfect. We quietly tiptoed away so as to not disturb the Jolly Old Elf and got another whole year of believing.

    15. Anon Islander*

      I’m from Bermuda, which is a British territory, and panto is performed here, though it’s not as integral as it is in the UK. I’ve only attended once, when my sister played the role of Genie in Aladdin.

      Foodwise, cassava pie is a must for any Bermudian Christmas dinner. It’s basically a savory cake (baked in a large pan, similar to cornbread) with ground cassava replacing most of the flour, with a layer of chicken in the middle. I have a British friend who refers to it as chicken cake, lol. In addition to the giant Christmas dinner (think American Thanksgiving on steroids), many locals go to the beach on Christmas Day to enjoy the mild weather.

      Another key tradition is gombeys dancing their way through local neighborhoods on Boxing Day (also a holiday here), accompanied by drummers and whistles. Gombeys are traditional Bermudian masked dancers, a legacy of African masking traditions, as well as Native American and British influences dating back to the early 1800s. Enslaved individuals weren’t allowed to dance in public, so the masks were necessary to hide their identities. Their colorful costumes still include a mak, as well as a tall feathered headpiece, cape and tasseled pants. Dance moves may include gravity defying leaps and dance battles.

  14. Sleepless*

    Does anyone have any tips for using a sound machine to help mask sounds so that you can stay asleep through the night? I got one a few days ago, and it hasn’t helped at all so far. I couldn’t find much advice for using them online (though maybe there just isn’t much advice that can be given since they seem simple).

    I read that you should have it as loud as you can without it being uncomfortable, so I’m doing that. I also read that you should place the sound machine close to whatever is making noise that wakes you, but I have it on my night table for now until I get an extension cord. The noises that wake me are pretty varied though (the heating vent in my ceiling, other people in the room next to me or in the hallway, sounds from outside my home). There’s 22 sounds to chose from, and I’m using the “mellow fan–low” one because it seemed calming.

    1. Christmas cookie*

      My kids rooms have them and I actually put them on the night stand. Seems to work better since what wakes them up is anything from general household chatter, the baseboard heat turning on, a toilet flushing, a delivery truck, etc.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Not really what you asked, because your asking about sound machines. I use a radio and go to classical music. Because the sounds in the house are random the music hides the random sounds well enough for me. Knowing how it helped me, when my previous dog suddenly developed a tremendous fear of thunderstorms I put a radio on for him. It 100% worked- he laid down and was fast asleep in minutes. This was a dog that had been inconsolable before the music. It was then I noticed I could still hear the thunder, but it sounded way off in the distance and was barely noticeable. Actually, I kind of liked it too. This is more about blending the sounds as opposed to blocking the sounds.

    3. MeTwoToo*

      You might try one that has a varied sound, like rain or the ocean, instead of one continuous white noise. If the sounds are varied you might be picking up the change in sound level while sleeping.

    4. Venus*

      I would think that as loud as possible is the final aim. I would try the lowest setting, and keep increasing the volume every night until you aren’t woken by random noises. If you raise it one night and find it too loud but also get woken up then sleep for a week at the next lowest setting before starting again.

      I’m not an expert on sound machines so someone may have a better answer, but starting at the highest reasonable setting seems like it wouldn’t work for most people.

    5. MNer*

      If your sound machine has different settings for pitch, try out different ones to see if some are more helpful masking your particular background noise. It really can make a difference. When I found the pitch that was pretty close to the sound of our intermittent ventilation fan, it masked the fan kicking on/off much better and made a huge difference in my sleep.

    6. Blackcat*

      I agree with trying less uniform noises (many white noise machines/apps have rain or similar sounds). I also get the best results using an app on my phone and Bluetooth headphones made for sleeping. Putting the sound right up on my ear blocks out everything.

    7. Ali G*

      You might need more time to “train” yourself with the white noise. When you get to the point where you can’t sleep without the white noise, you won’t notice that stuff as much. Also, and this is weird, but you are probably listening for the other noises out of habit. Train yourself to turn off a little and if you listen to anything, listen to the white noise.
      I agree with the others, if you have varied noises, close to you is fine. It won’t drown everything out, but you should be able to get to a solid nights sleep on a regular basis.

    8. Deschain*

      I have to place sound at different places in the room. I use box fans—I have three spaced out. If I only have one, it only covers noises in that small area.

    9. RussianInTexas*

      I tried, and they never worked for me. As a result, I’ve been sleeping exclusively in ear plugs for the last 15 years. Sorry.

      1. TPS reporter*

        Me too. I have a creamy old house plus busy neighborhood outside that produces a lot of noise. Either ear plugs or headphones playing white noise is the only thing that works.

    10. Girasol*

      Amazon has sleep headsets, little flat speakers in a headband that may also serve as an eye shade. I don’t have one because I got used to wearing wired headphones all night long ages ago (something you probably don’t want to do). I listen to audiobooks, music, or a sound machine app all on an android phone. With the headset, night noises don’t bother me, except rarely when there’s a sound in the house that I need to get up and check. For some reason I can hear a thunk in the house but all the trains and sirens and dogs and car honking that my husband complains about are too muffled to notice.

    11. JSPA*

      Some have settings that ebb and flow, which is more likely to mask (or prepare you for?) additional sounds. Some people do fine with “a background / coffeeshop chatter” setting. I can’t do that–my brain forever is trying to make out words–but something like layering railroad noises and waves or wind, works.

      I feel it creates not just a shifting soundscape but a background against which one’s sleeping brain can re-contextualize the additional noises…in a, “not that sound that I dread that wakes me up” way.

    12. Theatre girl in an office world*

      I have a dohm which produces a fan noise. I actually go with not too loud and pretty far away from my bed so that it more turns up the background sound. I love it and it does help a lot, but it can’t combat really loud noises. I use it more for helping to relax me to sleep rather than keep me asleep.

    13. The Dogman*

      There are free to use 10+ hour long youtube mixes of rain, wind, snow, crackling fires, waves, rivers and combinations of all of them too, a lot come with a black screen version.

      You might find a natural noise better than artificial noises?

      Personally to sleep if I have issues I usually go for heavy rain, no thunder (since my biggest dog is scared of thunder and climbs on me… not too restful really) and that puts me out and keeps me out for hours!

      Good luck snoozing!

    14. Bagpuss*

      I think you probably need to try a few different sounds and settings to see what helps.
      When I used one due to living in a house with thin walls and noisy neighbours, I found one with oscillating sound rather than a steady noise worked far better, and the ‘brown’ or ‘pink’ noise was better than ‘white’, for me personally.

      1. Windchime*

        I can’t do white or pink noise; both make me anxious. But brown noise is really good at blocking out distractions. At night, though, I usually just turn on a small fan that’s on my nightstand.

    16. Octavia*

      I started using one earlier this year due to neighbor noise. Lessons learned:

      It didn’t really stop me from hearing the sounds but it made them more “just part of the background”.

      I would keep the machine as close to where you’re sleeping as possible. Makes it easier to tweak settings and masks the noise where you are.

      Second fiddling with the sounds to see what works for you. i.e. for me, fans annoy me but brown noise and I’m out like a light.

      Headphones or sleeping earbuds may be a better solution. I splurged on some for travel and they do a better job than the machine in terms of limiting noise, but because they do a better job at blocking sound, I don’t like using them when I sleep alone.

      YMMV, but took some time for me to associate the sounds I liked with sleep – once it became a part of my night routine the machine was more effective.

  15. Frenzy*

    Christmas gift idea for a 13 year old boy (8th grade)? Does not like or play sports.

    It’s a nephew we don’t know well or see often, but he is a great kid. We are gifting cash/cash like gift card, but want a ~$25 something else to go with it.

    Considering some kind of hydro flask- there are so many options! If this is a good idea, which type?

    1. Bulu Babi*

      What about books? The Mistborn trilogy by Brandon Sanderson is a blast with teens.

      Or Sophie’s World, on philosophy. I think I read it at that age.

      2. allathian*

        My son grew out of Legos at around age 8. But he was building sets meant for 8 year olds when he was 5, with a little help with the fiddly pieces. He’s really great at visualizing in 3D from the instructions booklet. It really varies by kid, and Legos are expensive. I don’t think you can get a complicated Lego set that would interest a 13 year old for $25…

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Hydro flask is good, albeit moreso for sports.

      Books in YA, I will toss out:
      Illuminae, by Kaufman and Kristoff, space opera in which things start off as an epic disaster and just keep getting worse. Fast-paced and gripping.
      Dread Nation, by Justina Ireland. Alternative history in which partway through the Civil War the dead rise and start trying to eat everyone on both sides. We follow a black girl training to be an anti-zombie bodyguard. Lots of revanchist themes that rung true.
      (The above are “YA” in the sense that the protagonists are teens and that’s the part of the bookstore where they are, but they have massive body counts.)

    4. Gift ideas*

      Do you know what kind of things he does like?
      Board/Card games could be a good option like exploding kittens, a little wordy, code names, sushi go, etc. My son is 12 and really likes Pokémon cards, D&D, and Minecraft.

      1. Gift ideas*

        Oh, or an escape room box. There are several retail versions, like Exit. My son is very interested in those although I can’t recommend any particular one.

        1. CatCat*

          Seconding an escape room in a box. We have several of the Unlock games and they’re lots of fun. There’s even a Star Wars version of the nephew is into Star Wars.

    5. Generic Name*

      Do you know what he is into? Hoodies are popular at this age. Ask his parents what he’s into and go from there. At that age, they are too old for most toys, but my 15 year old boy is still into legos.

    8. HamlindigoBlue*

      My kids both wanted Hydro Flasks at this age. My son has the larger wide-mouth bottle, and I bought him the separate wide mouth flex sip lid because he doesn’t like the straw lid. My daughter was the same, preferring the other lid. The flex sip lids seem to cost an additional $10 to $15. They get a lot of use out of their Hydro Flasks.

      1. HamlindigoBlue*

        Oh, and just to note that my kids don’t use the Hydro Flasks for sports. They prefer lighter weight bottles for that. Their Hydro Flasks go to school with them each day.

      2. HamlindigoBlue*

        I was just checking my Amazon history. My son has a Hydro Flask, but my daughter got an Iron Flask (same thing, really, but less expensive and with more color options, plus it comes with 3 different lid attachments now for $23.

    9. Fellow Traveller*

      I’ve ordered a whole gamut of water bottles for my kid this past year and within the $20-30 price range, I find they are all very similar.
      I personally look for one that comes with a variety of lids, a bottom bumper, and is dishwasher safe. Also if they need it to fit in a cup holder, that’s another thing to consider.

    10. JSPA*

      T-shirt from threadless plus gift certificate for same. The designs are submitted and voted on. There are other sites operating similarly. Everything from super nerdy snark to positive and otherworldly to visual jokes to the simplest of graphics. Thin fabric, though.

    11. Demonic Pigeon*

      Boy mom here. Here are a few ideas:

      Video games and/or video game accessories (i.e. headphones with a microphone)
      Spotify gift cards
      Amazon gift cards
      Lord of the Rings book series
      Event tickets, or theme park day pass (Six Flags, etc.)
      Cash/gift cards in a box of candy. Seriously, they love that kind of thing.

    12. The Dogman*

      Lego or similar, or perhaps books if he is into reading?

      Depends on what he is allowed but there are tons of good YA books and war gaming universes to get into…

      My recommendation would be the Warhammer Universe but it is a bit on the dark side really… being all war and gloom with a lot of doom, but a lot of teenagers love it, and you don’t have to do the gaming to get into the universe.

      Otherwise a videogame perhaps… usually going to be more than $25 sorry, unless you go to somewhere like good old games or similar!

    13. Koala dreams*

      Book (fact or fiction), board game, 3D puzzle, earphones or a gaming mouse/keyboard. Be careful with clothes unless you know the size for sure, or it would be easy to change in nearby store.

    14. Chauncy Gardener*

      Where are they located? Are you in a ‘cool’ place and could send a hoody or something from there/logoed?

    15. Here for the Randomness*

      I am sure a gift card to the digital store of their video game console or cell phone of choice would be appreciated.

      1. allathian*

        Yup, agree. More so than Legos for $25. Sure, some teens still build Legos even if they don’t play with them, but you can’t get anything complex for that amount. At least in my son’s class, all of his friends have lost interest in Legos, and he’s 12. All he wants for Christmas is a new phone, and virtual money for the PS5.

      2. Christmas cookie*

        OP here. We are already doing a $100 gift card or cash. I’m specifically looking for the token gift to go along with it (legos are out- if he wants them, he can get a fancy set with the GC!).

    3. UKDancer*

      Bank transfer. When I sold mine they sent me the money by bank transfer immediately and I got a text it had got through. I’d really recommend it.

    4. Sutemi*

      Bank check, but you meet at their bank and watch them withdraw the funds. Don’t assume that a bank check can’t be forged.

    6. *daha**

      I should think you would want to barter for a horse of equal value. That way you have something to ride home after.

      1. Squidhead*

        Aww. I felt this way too when I sold the first car I’d owned from new. I knew it was time, but it was still sad.

  17. Teapot Translator*

    I need help working through my flight response in one specific case.
    Here’s the context, I paid someone to design a bookcase for me. If I liked it, the same person could build it. I saw the design last week and I did not like it. Instead of saying thank you, the project ends here, I asked for a few days. Guys, the designer called me like four times in one day and then once every day since.
    I have general anxiety. I’m doing better, but I still have “habits” from when it was out of control. First day, I did not answer because this week has been bananas, but now I’m just avoiding them. I need to call them to tell them it’s over, but every time they call my avoidance/flight instinct kicks in and I spiral.
    Anyone have advice on how to stop this? My week is still genuinely bananas (it will be until Christmas), so I need to concentrate on stuff, not have this ball of anxiety and resentment. They left a message, I will call them back, why are they calling every. single. day…

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It’s the holidays, perhaps they are hoping to earn some extra money. Perhaps they thought they were being friendly/concerned. I do agree that this many points of contact would be over the top for me, too.

      I know when I get overly concerned about something one of the ways I can get out of it is by figuring out what worst case scenario is and what I will do about it. What can they say that worries you the most?

      From what you have here, I would go with, “Gee, I am way more busy then I realized. That is why I have not been able to return your call. I have to cancel the project because I just cannot take on extra right now.” And if they say, “Oh maybe in a little while?” then just repeat, “I cannot commit to any projects, so no, I have other things that are more of a priority.”

    2. Akcipitrokulo*

      That’s rough. I’ve been there! Hid from phone calls from an online school that had given my kids a sample lesson, and turned out afterwards full course was beyond our budget. Told them that and calls kept coming…

      Do you have an email address for them? I found being able to compose response helped. If not, compose a text message? Remember writing it is not sending it. You can go over it a few times. Something like “Hi! Thanks for the designs. Unfortunately, I’ve decided not to go forward with them. Thanks again, and best wishes.”

      Then you can send when you are ready.

      Alternatively, someone could contact on your behalf?

      Best of luck – I know it’s hard but you will feel so much better when done.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin*

        Love the e-mail idea. Or you could text. But maybe rip the band-aid off and do it so that it’s not haunting you? (Fellow avoidant person here.)

        I feel like the four calls in one day is a red flag, and I would not want to do business with this person either — sounds exhausting. And if this person gives you a hard time in any way because you decide you don’t want to move forward, then you’ve *definitely* made the right choice to back out!

        Remember, a business relationship is in some ways like a romantic relationship in that (as long as there’s no contract), you get to break it up with just person wanting to do so, even if the other one wants to stay. You don’t need the perfect reason to decide not to go forward with a business plan.

    3. Venus*

      Four times on the first day? That’s weird and I would be avoiding them too, and I don’t have anxiety and tend to enjoy talking on the phone. Can you email them? Text?

    4. grumpy*

      I’d look at it as an anxiety response on their end. It’ll put you both out of your misery to just call and say “No thanks, the design doesn’t work for me. Good luck in future endeavors.”

    5. WellRed*

      Call them back or email or whatever. I’m sorry this seems so hard for you but you’re being unfair. Maybe they are spiraling too.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      They are calling you often because they want to plan their work life, and can’t if you don’t get back to them. Right now they suspect it’s no, but if they start planning like it’s definitely no and then it isn’t, that’s more effort to undo.

      Do you have an email? “After thinking it over, I’ve decided not to go forward. Thanks for the design.” Let’s you each have your emotional reactions in private.

      All I can say is that, really, truly, doing it will take you 2 minutes and that is such a small fraction of the time stressing about how you need to do it.

    7. Loves libraries*

      I so much prefer writing a response than speaking over the phone and will delay phone calls because of this. This sounds like a time when you should speak on the phone though and in those cases I find writing out a “script” (really just a few dot points) helps me to feel ready to make the call.
      For example,
      1) thank you for all your time and effort on this
      2) unfortunately the design isn’t to my taste so I don’t want to move further with this
      3) what you might say if they push back or suggest alterations
      4) anything else you think you might forget to say
      5) thank you again, I think you’re very talented and would recommend you to others

    8. Fellow Traveller*

      I am like this too, and then I realized that I am just prolonging m my own anxiety and I always feel a million times better one I get the thing done. And usually it’s not a big deal and the other person just wants to know.
      Honestly do you want this little thing to be taking up so much mental space in the coming weeks? Take the two minutes and call them back and you’ll feel amazing after.

      1. MissGirl*

        Yes to this. I’ve started creating a list of things I need to get done each week that I’ve been procrastinating. I do a gut check and see which one is causing me the most anxiety and try to get that one out of the way first.

    9. RagingADHD*

      They are being OTT, but tgey probably want to get feedback and make changes to please you. If you are going to work with any custom designer, it is probably unreasonable to expect they will capture your vision exactly in the first draft.

      Submitting preliminary designs and making changes is completely normal for all kinds of custom work, so if you want to have 1 pass and done, you are probably going to have to talk to many more designers.

      If that is a very stressful thing for you, you might be better off buying something ready made.

    10. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I asked for a few days. … called me like four times in one day and then once every day since … why are they calling every. single. day.

      So I take it that those “few days” have passed? They’re calling because it’s not unreasonable to expect an answer at this point. It sounds like maybe it’s hard for you to deliver unfavorable news to them. But it’s also hard for them to keep waiting for an answer after you told them you would get back to them.

    11. Not A Manager*

      Email or text. Don’t spend a long time apologizing or explaining. “Thanks so much for the great design! Sorry I didn’t get back to you immediately. I’ve decided not to move forward with the project at this time. I appreciate all of your help and look forward to working with you another time.”

      I assume you’ve already paid for the design portion of the project? If not, include a line about paying the invoice immediately.

    12. Malarkey01*

      My suggestion when I’m avoiding things:

      1) Write out a short message- Thank you for sending over your design. I’ve decided to pass on the project but appreciate your thoughts. -pause for their reply- if it’s short acceptance day thanks have a great day and hang up. If it’s a question or any kind of retort I’d say I’m sorry I’m in a rush and don’t have time to talk further but I do thank you, have a great day and hang up.

      2) Once I write it out, I say it a few times.

      3) I set a timer for 3 or 5 minutes and tell myself when that goes off make the call.

      4) if you get a voicemail, leave your message. If he calls back you don’t need to take it but it’s done.

      I know this seems silly but I’m a procrastinator sometimes and the prep, timer, do method works for me.

      1. Koala dreams*

        I was also going to suggest writing a script. I like that yours have options for different reactions!

    13. Ampersand*

      I understand. I’m the same, even with texts. Someone sends me one text, I’ll get to it as soon as I can. If they send several more before I respond, even just to elaborate on the same topic? My brain is usually like nope, that’s gonna have to wait until I get over being overwhelmed.

      I think the answer is you should call him and tell him you’ve changed your mind/won’t be moving forward with having him build a bookshelf. It really is a lot to have called you multiple times in one day! And also you should just get that call over with. I agree with what others have said—if texting or emailing is an option, maybe do that instead. If he won’t take no for an answer and continues to call after you tell him no, block his number if you need to. You’ll have done your part. But I would get back to him soon—you’ll feel better, even if it momentarily sucks to say no.

    14. JSPA*

      “email. Hi [person]. there’s often a gap between the fuzzy edges of what I was imagining, and any one real design, so I gave myself some time to sit with the design and adjust. But it turns out I’m not feeling it. I have no idea why. Your design is beautiful work. I’d be thrilled it you found someone else who wants one built, so you can use the design. But it’s just somehow not sparking joy for me–and it would be disrespect to the craftsmanship and materials, to go through with this.”

      This places the issue in context. Leaves the decision with you. Says definitely, “no.” Lets them reuse the idea. Thanks them, praises them. Closes YOUR door, while opening theirs (while there is still time before Christmas for them to jump on another order, instead of holding time open for you).

      There’s zero wrong with taking this much time–it’s a built-in part of the process, really!–but eventually, you suck their time needlessly. Free them, please.

      1. RagingADHD*

        It’s a very kindly script, but a cabinetmaker doesn’t need permission to reuse the design, even if OP agreed to have the work done. Exclusive furniture rights aren’t really a thing, and it would sound pretty wierd.

        The builder just needs to determine their schedule / workflow.

        1. JSPA*

          Sure, most designers are not Noguchi or Eames, and most furniture design is not exclusive or copyrighted. But who knows how personal or personalized the design was. I don’t see any harm in gushing a bit, and hoping the effort doesn’t go to waste. Even if it’s way more basic.

    15. The Dogman*

      Why were the only options:

      A: project stops, and

      B: project carries on…

      ?

      Why not:

      C: design changes are needed?

      I think (in my experience) a lot of anxiety sufferers are too binary in their thinking, and when the switch is flipped the anxiety kicks in to stop normal reactions.

      You did not like the design, could you have asked for modifications?

      I am pretty sure the calls are an attempt to get in touch with you to resolve the problem you have with this design, most custom workers are happy to be flexible and want to do what the customer is paying for.

      Perhaps just call them back now and either cancel it or try to explain what was wrong with it?

    16. Overeducated*

      Sometimes the painful thing IS the kinder thing. I think we sometimes associate wanting to avoid conflict with being nicer, but sometimes timely truth-telling is actually the more thoughtful thing to do interpersonally.

      What would do is decide on a specific time when you are going to tell them (agreed with other posters that in writing may be easier than calling), and then a thing you will do to decompress after. If time is short it can just be a treat like “have a cookie.” But then you’ll know when it starts, and when it ends, and it won’t just continue on in your head.

  18. Sally Sparrow*

    Thoughts on healthy snacks? I realized I eat way too many chips during the course of the day as a snack, would like the thoughts on alternatives that aren’t just fruits and veggies.

    2. HamlindigoBlue*

      My favorite is veggies with a black bean hummus. It’s easy to make, but Lantana makes a really good one that’s sweet and spicy.

    3. Aisling*

      I like nuts, though they aren’t low calorie. They help keep me full so I don’t feel like snacking on other junkier foods.

    4. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I’m a fan of popcorn. It’s a satisfying savory snack substitute, and you can control how much fat and salt you add to it by starting with kernels instead of the bags of fake chemical butter flavor stuff. My default is coconut oil and light salt, but there’s endless ways to change it up and still keep it fairly healthy. Nutritional yeast makes it sort of cheesy and is a great source of B vitamins. Fancy smoked salts are nice, or parmesan and black pepper, or garlic and smoked paprika.

      I know you’re looking for non fruit and veggie suggestions, but I have to suggest dehydrated stuff. It’s a much different snacking experience compared to eating baby carrots or whatever. Okra and green beans are my favorites. Plantain chips are also a great substitute for potato chips.

      Things like nuts, seeds, and other legumes might be an option too. You can get frozen edamame that you just microwave in the bag and sprinkle with salt. There’s also a lot of roasted nuts and flavored dried beans and peas.

    5. Bday Girl*

      If you like salty and chip-like things, you can get veggie chips (there’s a sweet potato and beets mix that I like a lot, also good with hummus or other dip), lentil chips in various flavors, and flavored dried lentils. Those have been my go-tos.

    6. Mary S*

      I highly recommend Abbey Sharp’s YouTube channel + blog for ideas on building snacks / small meals around her concept of the Hunger Crushing Combo (add protein + a fat + fiber to your carbs). I mostly eat all my meals around this concept, but keeping everything separate like in a continental breakfast. It really works for me!

      Some components that I like to throw in my small meals that I think of as healthy and are not fruit/veg: pretzels, roasted chickpeas, yogurt, protein granola, no-bake oatmeal energy bars, pre-prepared protein shakes, sourdough toast, English muffins, Parmesan crisps, beef jerky, nuts (walnuts, almonds, cashews) and seeds (sunflower, pumpkin). Also I do eat a lot of potato chips too but I add a source of protein like a Greek-yogurt based dip and maybe a source of fiber with it :)

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      I like nuts/ trail mix, string cheese, hard boiled eggs, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, lunch meat and cheese rolled up around a pickle, olives, kimchi. Seaweed snacks. Dry cereal (i read an interview with a nutritionist once and her go to snack was frosted mini wheats). Soy milk or rice milk – i get them in juice box format and it’s a great quick snack.

    8. T. Boone Pickens*

      Almonds or perhaps rice cakes? Rice cakes would give you that ‘crunch’ that chips deliver.

    9. JSPA*

      roasted-to-almost-caramelized root veggies are a treat, if you’ve only doing “crunchy” fruit and veg. Sweet potato, winter squash, especially parsnips.

    11. TPS reporter*

      Pistachios have the crunch and salt but also take a little time to eat if you get in the shell. And they’re pretty filling.

    12. Bureaucratte*

      Dips are an awesome way to make fruits and veggies more exciting. Also fun slice mixes (on fruits and veggies or popcorn). I eat a lot of string cheese too

  19. ESL*

    I just want to thank Alison for the general information diet script and the knowledge that we can maintain boundaries around our privacy without feeling bad about it.

    I especially appreciate the “It’s under control!”-follow up, because I’m not lying and saying that things which are not fine, are fine. I’m indicating, in a socially acceptable way, that we there’s no need for us to talk about it, and that’s a relief.

    I’ve used it in my private life when I’m just not ready to deal with other (well-meaning) people’s emotions or don’t want them to worry about stuff I myself don’t have all the information about yet.

    And I don’t have to feel bad or conflicted about doing that. So thank you.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      I recently used a variation of this (sorry, don’t recall exact wording; basically I politely said “it’s not a crisis”) and it was great! The other person had to say “oh, okay” because it was clear that there was nothing further to discuss. I wasn’t upset, the situation wasn’t a crisis, and the whole matter fizzled out.

    2. Ali G*

      I also employ the tactic of approaching things as “if course you are going to be totally reasonable about this” in situations where no, the other person probably doesn’t plan on being totally reasonable. I’ve had good success!

  20. balanceofthemis*

    I am looking to buy my first house. I am pre-approved and have a real estate agent. Any advice?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Buy less house than you are approved for. You will spend years being grateful you did that. We bought something that was about 2/3 of what we were approved for. That one move saved us so many problems.

      1. Daffodilly*

        This was the BEST financial decision we ever made. It allowed us to save, to make repairs and upgrades, and most importantly to have a 15 year loan instead of a 30 year loan, which means the house is paid off now. That means instead of a mortgage payment, we have been able to pay tuition for our kids, which means both of them got a bachelors degree with no student loans. So that decision has had good financial impact for not just us, but for our kids as well.
        But they had to share a room as kids. Which everyone told us was going to be the worst and we should buy bigger.
        I think it was a good tradeoff.

      2. Lissa*

        First off, congratulations! We just bought our first house 6 months ago and I second this. I don’t know how the housing market is in your area, but houses in our area were listed at 10k – 20k over before covid and we’re in a moderate sized city. When the asking price seemed low for the house, it was either bait for a bidding war or there was something pricey wrong with the house/property.

        Strongly recommend figuring out what features you need vs. things you want/could live without. We also ended up doing a sort of gut check rating system after viewing a house (can you see yourself living there?) based on how we felt.

        Do NOT drain your savings to buy the house. We didn’t have a lot of the stuff needed to maintain a yard or do basic repairs and have had to get a lot of basic tools and supplies. Also, there could be unexpected expenses or repairs within the first year as you figure out home ownership through the seasons.

        Good luck and happy hunting!

    2. L. Ron Jeremy*

      Buy as much house as you can qualify for. Bought mine for $220K in 1996; now appraised for $1.3M.

      1. Generic Name*

        This assumes that the OP is thinking of their house as an investment rather than a place for them to live and care for. If you buy at the top of your budget and the water heater goes out, you’re kinda screwed.

      2. JSPA*

        I’m happy for you, and of course, every person’s anecdote is N=1

        However,

        So many people have lost houses when the market moved the other way.

        We’re at historic short supply and high prices again.

        A lot of current mortgages are adjustable (which sets up the next wave of housing losses).

        Unless you have money to burn and lovely family waiting to take you in, the roof over your head is the last place to play a brinksmanship game.

      3. The OG Sleepless*

        Yikes, just going to add that if I had done this when I was house hunting in 2004 I would have gone bankrupt a few years later. Husband works in the mortgage industry, and our income went straight off a cliff in 2007. The only thing that saved us was that we bought a house that cost about 2/3 what we qualified for.

        My advice would be to not have a house payment more than 25% of your take home pay if you can avoid it.

    3. Generic Name*

      I think it’s hilarious that the first two pieces of advice are directly contradictory.

      You can’t change the location of a house, and changing the general layout is difficult to impossible. Decide on the neighborhood first, and then decide on what type of house you want. But also keep in mind that you just won’t find some types of houses in certain locations. An extreme example is you won’t find a sprawling ranch on an acreage in a downtown neighborhood, but more mundane example is I really prefer a traditional 2 story layout with rooms with doors, but those houses just aren’t available int the area I want to live.

      Have a list of needs and then a list of wants you can compromise on. For most budgets, wood floors and granite countertops are wants and not needs. Pay attention to the quality of local schools. Even if you don’t have kids, house values are higher and stay higher in good school districts (side note- this is why it’s important to pay attention to local school board elections and to vote in them. Property values!)

      Ignore the tacky decor and horrible paint colors. All of that is easy to change.

      If you hate mowing, don’t have a huge lawn, unless you can pay someone else to do it.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I liked the first few Not So Big House book (a series, check your library) which named architectural patterns and showed examples of them. e.g. light from two sides; a circuit; varied ceiling height. It helped give me an idea, when looking at things I did and didn’t like on a gut level, what pattern my gut was responding to. And whether it would be easy or hard to change.

      2. A Feast of Fools*

        My local community college offered a course in the 1990’s called “How to Buy a House”. It helped me focus on my needs, my really-wants, my nice-to-haves, and my oh-hell-nos.

        First and foremost, I wanted a safe neighborhood where people are neighborly (take time to get to know one another, stop and chat when walking dogs, etc.).

        Second, I wanted a huge yard. I was raised in apartments with no private green space and homes with postage-stamp yards. I love being outside and I wanted safe access to the outdoors 24/7 (i.e., not have to drive or walk to a park).

        Third, I wanted a large covered front porch that I could sit on and wave to / chat with neighbors who were out walking.

        The house I bought is inside the limits of a big city (also something I wanted), sits on half an acre, backs up to a creek and woods, has a big, covered front porch, and is in a neighborhood where I, as a single woman in her 30’s at the time, was instantly adopted by the families on either side of me and directly across the street. I still spend all of my holidays at my next-door neighbor’s house with her extended family (that I have now known for 23 years, long enough to see children become adults and then parents).

        I paid $98K for it in 1998 and it’s worth around $1M now, mostly because of the land and the location. Since I have no desire to ever sell, all that does for me is raise my property tax bill.

        As for the advice on how much house to buy. . . I was pre-approved for $140K and used $3K of the credit worthiness differential to buy new furniture and make some minor updates to the house. I will forever be grateful to Past Me for not taking out a larger mortgage because the Great Recession hit and suddenly I had trouble paying bills. I am glad that my mortgage payment was as [relatively] small as it was, or else I might have lost my house.

        Current Me is also grateful to Past Me for not buying a bigger house because I’d really rather mow my lawn than dust all the things. If I had more house, I’d have more stuff inside it.

        Oh, and don’t do what my ex did. . . He bought a house with an Ikea kitchen (stylish and functional) EXCEPT FOR THE SINK. It’s *tiny*! Like, one side is a 12-inch square; and the other side is a tiny, shallow rectangle that is completely full with just three coffee mugs in it, and that tiny side is the one with the disposer. Oof.

      3. Overeducated*

        I also found the contradiction hilarious, and at odds with how my recent (2019-2020) preapproval experiences went! We got preapprovals at 3 different banks because the advice is to shop around. Not one of them took all our financial information and spat out a number! They said “what is the upper limit of YOUR budget?” and then crunched the numbers to see if we qualified for it. They also adjusted our preapproval letters when we actually made offers on lower priced houses, so that the sellers wouldn’t see that we were actually approved for $18k more than we were offering and assume we’d pay that much for their house. There was no “preapproval amount” other than the one we asked for, having already calculated a very realistic budget for the monthly payments.

        The one piece of advice I wish I’d taken to heart a little more is budgeting more generously for repairs than you think will be necessary. We expected the repairs our home would need in the first year would be in the range of $5-10k. It was more like $15k, and that didn’t even cover everything the inspector noticed (we got estimates for a couple things and said “well…that’s not urgent…or maybe we could DIY it….”

    4. SofiaDeo*

      I read both “Build It Right” and “Better Houses, Better Living” by Myron Ferguson to familiarize myself with basic house design elements and the advantages/disadvantages of various house elements. Having an idea of the upkeep & maintenance of various things, what obvious and not-so-obvious problems could entail, and thinking about the impact of various aspects of a house was very helpful. Because buying a house is a major, major investment that really needs some thought behind it (unless your time & $ are no object).

    5. Not my usual user name*

      You’ve probably already made your list of what features in a house you require, which ones you’d really like to have, and which ones would be nice to have but are not deal breakers. So start looking at what’s available in your area!

      I found when I started house-hunting this past spring that after looking at a few places, I was able to refine what features went in which categories, and that helped to broaden the available houses for me. For example, I thought that I needed a one-story house, but after looking at the available houses for sale I realized that a house with two bedrooms on the main level and other rooms upstairs would work just as well.

      The housing market in my new town exploded while I was in the process of applying for a mortgage — it had been a buyer’s market for several years but in the space of about two weeks in March it became a seller’s market. This meant that housing prices rose and I had to revise my expectations of what I’d have to pay. I’d applied for an amount thinking that I’d find a place for 85-90% of that. As it turned out, there were bidding wars on most houses, and sellers weren’t negotiating the price at all. The house I ended up buying was one where my agent was also the sellers’ agent. She never formally listed the house for sale; she suggested a price to the sellers that she knew was in my range–and given what I’d seen from other listings it was a fair price, so that’s what I paid.

      (Having the agent represent us both wasn’t ideal, but it did work out for me. I’d been paying an exorbitant amount of rent for a small apartment in the city where I’d been living, and my mortgage is about 2/3 of what my rent was. I was disappointed that I couldn’t negotiate a lower price but it’s still quite affordable.)

    6. Ashley*

      Determine how much fixing you are willing to do.
      Consider property taxes vs commute vs access to fun stuff balance.
      Think about the house in all seasons and accessing it in bad weather (like bad winter storms).
      And always if at all possible try for two toilets in case one breaks and you can’t get it fixed immediately.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      Water!
      My father bought a house on top of a modest hill (the only kind we have around here). It had a pitched roof. Snow slid off; rain ran down gutters and drained into the street.
      My stepfather (really his first wife) bought a house on the side of a hill, with a flat roof. Water ran down the hill, in their back door, and through the house. They repaired the roof pretty much annually when snow sat and melted and always, always found a way in.

      This one is from my own mistake — electric garage door openers eventually wear out, and power failures happen. Make sure you can get in and out of the garage without power.

    8. Here for the Randomness*

      Make sure to calculate what upgrades are imminent against the cost. For example, chimney cleaning, roof, hvac, water heater need to he done periodically. Rooms that obviously need renovations reduce the cost of the house. Even if you don’t due it yourself, that can save you money in the long run. If the housing market is hot, be prepared to be outbid a lot. You might need to go over asking price.

    9. Retired Prof*

      For our first house, we bought what we could afford and didn’t really think about choosing a neighborhood. The neighborhood was fine, but it was not neighborly and we did not make any friends there. When we looked to buy our second house, we asked a friend who lived close by to the house we were looking at about the neighborhood. She told us we’d be lucky to live on this street. So we bought the house – and we ARE lucky to live on this street. We have neighborhood potlucks and Christmas caroling, and we live two doors from one of the most generous men on earth who will help anyone who needs help with anything. It’s really worth trying to find out about what it’s like to live in a neighborhood. My friend did not find out until they moved in that the next door neighbor had vicious dogs – and they ended up moving out to get away from the dogs a couple years later.

      1. Squirrel Nutkin*

        If you have (or plan to have) kids, pick a location where you’re happy with the public schools.

    10. Virginia Plain*

      Do your maths. Work out what the monthly repayment would be based on the amount that you intend to borrow (as others say don’t max yourself out) and how that sits as a portion of your salary and within your budget. Bills might not change much, but a couple of things you might save on (maintenance charges if you currently rent a flat, for example) but then you will have some more expenses such as savings for repairs the landlord won’t do because no landlord now. So sit down and do your budget as carefully as you can. Remember not to calculate with all your savings as a deposit figure: At purchase you will need not just the deposit but also enough to cover lawyers fees, taxes, and the expenses of moving such as removal services, necessary refurbs, new appliances (this will change from property to property so keep a notebook with running totals and things). There’s probably a website that will run through a lot of these (I could only give you a uk based one and doubtless our taxes and expenses are different.) Consider setting aside money to refit a kitchen or bathroom, as many places you will need or want to (or make it your rule that you will only purchase a place where this isn’t needed). Basically when you’ve moved in you don’t want to be looking at a bank account with three dollars in it, you want to be thinking, right, time to choose new curtains or paint the living room.
      Accept that you will feel like you are haemorrhaging money all over the place but be safely armed with your careful budget and financial plan!
      Also talk to friends who have recently bought if you have any. They will be able to give you good tips and ideas of cost. For example recommending a trustworthy efficient lawyer; over here at least, conveyancing (the checks and searches and drawing up of contracts etc) is entirely a paper exercise and you never need to go to the solicitor’s office so using someone recommended by a friend or family is easier as it doesn’t have to be a local firm (although I guess in the US it might have to be the same state).
      Before all this though, get on property websites and set up alerts but also get on the emailing lists of local estate agents (realtors). Some properties sell fast, some don’t, ime there is often no rhyme or reason to it, but if you see something that interests you pick up the phone and make an appointment to view it; no point hanging about.

    11. Ildrummer*

      Closing costs are expensive and you get nickle-and-dimed with fees from many angles. Plan to reserve $10-15k for closing costs and initial expenses (HOA starting fees, getting utilities set up, etc.). This will probably factor into your calculations of your down payment.

    12. PostalMixup*

      In my experience, the realtor was more helpful once we’d found a house to make an offer on. Sure, they made suggestions of properties to look at, but we could also see what was available (on Zillow or similar) and most of those were ones that were on our second tier list of “not really what we’re looking for, but maybe it’ll surprise us.” Both our houses were ones that we brought to our agents’ attention.

      Off season *can* be a good time to house hunt – we bought our first house in January, and we just closed on the sale of that house last week. There’s often less competition for buyers in the off season, which means you might get away with a lower sale price, keep all your contingencies in place, and even get some major inspection items taken care of by the seller. That said, there’s often less inventory in the off season, so it might take longer to find what you’re looking for.

    13. Anonymous*

      You can make offers that automatically adjust to compensate for other offers. I forget what it’s called, but basically we were able to say our base offer is this, but if someone else offers more, our offer will automatically increase to be 1k higher than theirs up until a certain price. With the market moving so fast, almost every decent house was getting multiple offers within the first week.

      Also – make sure you get a good inspector. Ours missed a lot of things that cost us a lot down the road. Also talk to your realtor about making sure the house is in the correct condition before you close. Request receipts for any repairs that should have been done if they’re not obvious. We had some issues with that, but because we did our final walkthrough right before closing and didn’t know what to do, we ended up having to deal with them on our own after.

      1. Overeducated*

        It’s called an escalation clause!

        Agreed on the inspector note – if you buy an old house, ask around and see if you can find an inspector who is familiar with them, or get an expert opinion. Ours was pretty spooked by some stuff that is fairly common, and that a friend who works professionally in historic preservation said were nothing to worry about.

      2. PT*

        We bought from experienced investors and they knew exactly what parts of the house the building inspector and a home inspector wouldn’t check (or be able to access, due to the design of the space.)

        When we finally got around to going in those places…yeah there were surprises hiding. (For example in the crawlspace, the only part of it that was lined was under the toilets in each bathroom. Because the city building inspector issuing the permits wouldn’t go in the crawlspace, it’s too tight and nasty, but he would peer down the toilet hole before the plumbing was connected and see the sheet of plastic.)

      3. BlueWolf*

        I’ve seen differing advice on escalation clauses. It can be good if the seller honors it, but it also tells the seller right out what your highest number is, so they think you should just pay that. We tried an escalation clause with our offer and basically for our top end we were willing to go $10k over list. However, with how hot the market was, there were multiple offers in the first two days and the seller refused to use the escalation clause. They just asked everyone to submit best and final offers by the next day. Of course, not knowing what others were going to offer we decided to put in our highest number because I really liked the house. In hindsight, knowing what we know now we probably could have stuck at list because it sounded like we had more secure financing than the other potential buyers, but of course you don’t know that going in. Also, as I posted below, we discovered a cracked joist after closing, which probably would have been an issue for any FHA funded or other similar buyer because they require structural inspections. Gratned, we can’t know for sure if the joist was cracked before or if it happened after we were moving in.

    14. Squirrel Nutkin*

      Get a great inspector who’ll do a thorough job so you don’t get blindsided by something expensive you have to fix. You can still buy a house with a problem if you love it overall, but it’s legit to then negotiate with the seller to have them knock the cost of fixing the problem off the sale price (or to have them fix it before the sale becomes final).

      1. BlueWolf*

        I should have investigated inspectors and chosen one before we started putting in offers. I went with a guy my realtor knew. The home inspector is a retired contractor type, and seemed to assume we were more handy than we really are. Sure, my partner and I can do some basic stuff, but we’re not professional contractors. Our house has a crawl space and we paid extra for that part of the inspection. It was pretty messy down there, but he said “Oh, you can clean it up yourself or with a couple of buddies.” My partner is 6’2″ and not the skinniest guy. He doesn’t fit comfortably in a 3 foot high crawl space and I wasn’t about to go down there with the spiders. Our inspector also completely missed the fact that one of the three main floor joists was cracked. After we closed and got a crawl space company in there they discovered the cracked joist and that, along with cleaning up the nasty old insulation and encapsulating cost over $10k. Our inspector was good pretty good with the rest of the stuff in the house, but we should have gotten a dedicated crawl space inspector to handle that part.

    15. Windchime*

      Make a list and share it with your agent. The list should contain your Must Haves (these are absolutely non-negotiable), Nice To Have (would be nice but can do without) , and Absolutely Do Not Want.

      My Must Haves were things like: Quiet neighborhood, one level, Master bathroom
      Nice to Have: Pool, view, hardwood floors (I didn’t get any of these and I’m OK with that)
      Absolutely Do Not Want; Basement

      Your lists will be different, but I found it really helped my agent to know that she didn’t need to be even showing me a house if it had a basement or was next to a busy highway. I also had a maximum amount that I would not go over, and it was less than I qualified for. I didn’t want to max out my budget.

  21. cbh*

    What are your thoughts. I have an elementary aged child. Pre covid for Christmas gifts, we always baked cookies, brownies and cakes to give to the teachers along with a coffee gift card and a heartfelt note. Last year we were quarantined during the holdiays and somehow the gifts never made it to the schools. This is our first “covid” gifts to the teachers. We found someone who makes ornaments and actually has cookie related ornaments. We were going to send in the ornament along with the recipe explaining that when the school allows baked goods we will be making them this cookie but in the meantime here is the ornament, recipe, coffee gift card and note. Is this silly? All I can imagine is the “big kids athletic sports loving rock n roller” gym and music teachers looking at this like what do I need a recipe for? We have a lot of teachers to give to.

    1. WellRed*

      Just send the coffee card. The cookies may never get made and the only reason to give someone a recipe is so they can make it themselves.

      1. WellRed*

        Also is it a thing to give all the teachers gifts where you are (or these days?) I thought always just give to the main teacher or special teacher.

    2. BRR*

      I wouldn’t do it. It’s a very sweet premise (no pun intended), but this would mean a teacher would have to want an ornament/celebrate Xmas and bake. Plus who knows when baked goods will be allowed again.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I agree–sweet premise but sounds like a promise of more effort on all sides later, which is daunting in a year when everyone’s kinda on the dregs of their reserves. I’d go with the coffee gift card and heartfelt note. Or even only the latter.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Also: I don’t even drink coffee, but Starbucks has decent tea and hot chocolate and they have cake pops. For most good coffee shops, even if you don’t drink coffee there’s something you would like, or you have a family member who would use it, and a small amount of money still gets you a treat. I think they’re an unusually strong choice of gift card to someone you don’t know well.

    3. cat socks*

      My Mom is a teacher and she appreciates gift cards and a heartfelt note. She’s gotten a lot of trinkets and Bath & Body Works stuff over the years. They usually end up with me because she doesn’t really use that stuff.

    4. JCBooks*

      A heart felt note means so much more than an ornament or a small token. Gift card to Barnes and Noble, coffee shop. Amazon. Hallmark, etc are always appreciated. Mugs, candles, ornaments, or items that say teacher are less appreciated. I once received a gift card to a fancy grocery store. I loved it because I splurged on some fancy cookies I normally would not have bought myself.

    5. Susie*

      The best gift you can give a teacher is a heartfelt note or a thank you email with the teacher’s supervisor cced (either the principal or department head)

      You have put a lot of thought into your gift! If I was your child’s teacher, I’d definitely feel the thoughtfulness and be appreciative. What are you hoping would happen to the ornament? When both my husband and I were teachers, we’d come home with bags of candy and cookies and tchotchkes. Most food items were trashed and tchotchkes given away.

      If you want to give a gift in addition to a thank you note, a coffee shop card for most (but not all) teachers is great. Also, something like 85% of teachers spend their own money on school supplies, so find out what the teachers need for their classroom. (My school gives us one tissue box a year) Most elementary teachers use picture books as part of their teaching, so a gift card to a local book store is something else to consider. Also, donating to the school library in honor of a teacher or teachers is something really thought.

      Thanks for being thoughtful about how to appreciate teachers this year! We need it. But all we really need is a note. I have saved every thank you note I’ve received from students. I have not saved every mug.

    6. RagingADHD*

      We do scented candles in a jar, either a bigger one by itself or a little one with a coffee card. The holiday themed ones tend to be more spicy or piney than floral, so they come across less “girly.”

      Any gift you pick (including coffee cards) isn’t going to work for everyone, but thats what regifting is for.

      1. Mannequin*

        Coffee cards are more universally giftable than scented candles. They don’t only sell coffee, or can be easily regifted.

        Scented items are kind of personal- what one person thinks is heavenly can reel to another. And then there are people with asthma or allergies…and now long covid.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I think you missed the sentence: “Any gift you pick isn’t going to work for everyone.”
          Do what you like. It’s a suggestion, not a legally binding edict.

          1. Mannequin*

            Since we’re talking here about generic gifts applicable to the widest number of recipients, I was pointing out the reasons that scented candles are not really suitable. They are better saved for people whose tastes & preferences you are already familiar with.

            Additionally, numerous people have spoken up to ask that people NOT give teachers small decorative items as gifts, which includes candles.

    7. Anony*

      I wouldn’t do it. First-Ornament screams Christmas and maybe they don’t celebrate Christmas. Second-my mom is a teacher and we never ate most of the homemade baked goods that kids gave her. A gift card is nice, but honestly I don’t think it’s necessary to give a gift to every teacher. A card with a nice note is just as appreciated.
      P.S. I know scented gifts are common, but I wouldn’t recommend them- my mom for one hates all scented products and other people are very picky, have sensitivities, etc.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      I genuinely appreciate the gesture of any gift from students and their families, but the note is by far the best part and I’d really prefer not to get random things like mugs, lotions, etc. I’m picky about ornaments, and if any recipients don’t celebrate Christmas there’s not much they could use it for.

      I wouldn’t be mad about the recipe, but I would kind of be like “am I supposed to… make my own gift?” I think store-bought baked goods would be preferable to an IOU for home-made. I know that feels less personal but it’s more appropriate under the circumstances and you’re taking care of the thoughtful part by including a nice note :)

    9. Christmas cookie*

      In our elem we all chip in for a group gift (always signed from the entire class, regardless of who contributes- suggested $10-$20; we always try and do a little more to cover anyone that may not contribute). Our PTO does a separate cookie bake thank-you thing- like 100 families make 4 dozen cookies, then they set up a “cookie bar” and let any staff that wants to fill a couple take-out containers.

      In your shoes, I’d do the coffee gift card and a heartfelt card.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        My school did the cookie bar in the before times and it was very popular.

        I really liked the group gift, but rules limiting the cost of a gift a teacher could accept effectively killed the group gifts, which were over the limit.

        1. allathian*

          Mmm, I’m thankful my son’s school district hasn’t instituted this policy. The parents in his class pay about 5 euros or so for a gift basket. With 20 kids, it’s 100 euros, so a nice gift. If some parents don’t participate, it’s up to them, but the gift is given by the parents of kids in the class. Some parents insist on giving a separate gift, which I think defeats the purpose of the joint gift.

          If we had a limit, I’d probably just write a note of thanks.

          I see it as a silver lining that I haven’t been forced to bake anything for school events thanks to Covid putting a stop to all of them. This year, homemade edible gifts are definitely not acceptable, and if someone insists on sending homemade baked goods to school (all adults except school staff are banned from the premises), it will be sent back with the kid, or accepted and thrown away.

    10. Malarkey01*

      My sister and sister in law are teachers and I’ve asked them for help in the past. The agree the notes are special and a no gift is needed but if you do get one a gift card is the most preferred.
      Honestly ornaments, mugs, paperweights aren’t kept (there trees would fall over from the weight if they kept them and while they love your children they don’t really want an annual reminder for the next 30 years of each one). For the recipes…honestly if I want cookies or cakes I’ll just Google a recipe from the millions online. I know everyone’s tolerance for home baked goods is different, but after a few “incidents” of food poisoning and especially in the post CoVid world, their districts send out notes and advising teachers and staff against anything homemade.

    11. Koala dreams*

      I think it sounds great! Silly is good, better silly than too serious. I would skip the cookie recipe though, that feels like too much in the current situation. If the logistics of the ornaments is complicated, it’s fine with just the notes and the coffee card.

    12. Invisible Fish*

      Nothing but a note. For some teachers, a gift – no matter how small – makes them uncomfortable. (I’m one of those teachers.)

    13. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m a teacher. I never ate homemade goods from kids because you just don’t know. Personally I would give a gift card to something you know they like. Coffee, or as an English teacher I read all the time so cards to a bookstore. Some of my faves have been gift cards to local businesses. No mugs please :)

  22. Seeking Second Childhood*

    The high school decided to un-cap the audience for the upcoming concert, just before omicron hit. They have not re-capped it.
    My teen’s face fell. So I am going double-masked, and my [risk-factor redacted] husband is not. I keep having to remind myself that the high school auditorium is bigger & better ventilated than the middle school but geez. I am now wondering if we’re going to be able to see my [higher risk] MIL at Christmas.

    1. Workerbee*

      I don’t mean to be asking an insensitive question: Does your teen _have_ to participate, given the current climate?

      1. Daffodilly*

        Probably. If it’s a school choir, showing up for performances is usually a huge chunk of the grade for the class. At least for all my kids it was. It was a huge issue whenever there was a conflict with another activity or sport, and every teacher thought THEIR thing was the one that should be prioritized. A couple times I even had to get involved to help my kids navigate teachers who conflicted but wouldn’t budge.

          1. banoffee pie*

            I see why you’re railing. I understand if people want to go to the concert, but seriously, to make it part of the grade, in the current climate?

            I don’t know about over there, but here in the UK I get the feeling they’re softening us up for more restrictions again. Omicron is spreading fast and they’re talking about the NHS being ‘overwhelmed’ again soon if something isn’t done.

    2. SofiaDeo*

      I don’t know where you are geographically, but a well fitted N95/N95 or FFP2/FFP3 mask along with
      lubricating eye drops (barrier for your eyes in an enclosed space) will protect you much much more than double masking the loose fitting surgical type of mask. It’s what your husband needs to wear, too, if he is a high risk person. The larger size of the auditorium will Not protect you. This is what you need to -prevent- infection.

      The looser surgical type masks are appropriate for “not passing anything you may have to someone else”. This type would be more appropriate to wear indoors going to visit MIL. Turn your head “away” from faces when hugging, and any kisses should be on the neck area. The idea is to Not Inhale Others Breath.

      I also have air sanitizers in the house and cars. Any virus brought into them gets killed without having to spend time wiping things (or breathing disinfecting chemicals. Soapy water works for standard cleaning, I use disinfectants only if there is known exposure to something).

      1. JSPA*

        skin taping the top edges of a mask along the nose bridge and cheekbones is uncomfortable, and hurts a bit on removal. For this? I’d do it. In part because it makes it very uncomfortable to lift the mask for momentary urges, whether that’s “wipe nose” or “sip of water” or “he doesn’t hear me, I need to yell louder to tell him it’s time to leave.”

    3. allathian*

      I’m so sorry. A better mask than a surgical mask and eye drops sounds like the way to go. You also don’t have to stay for the whole concert, watch your teen perform and then leave, even if you have to return later to pick your teen up. This doesn’t help if your teen’s performing in the last act, but otherwise it would help limit exposure.

      The antibody home test kits for Covid have been shown to be more effective than the medical authorities initially thought, so maybe test a day or so before you’re planning to go to visit your MIL, and definitely test if you have any respiratory symptoms at all.

      I hope the concert goes well and none of you get sick, and you can celebrate Christmas with your MIL.

  23. Steel Before Iron*

    What activities do you have that take you outside the house? I have a lot of hobbies but most of them seem to revolve around me being in my house, like crafting and doing puzzles. I did some charity fundraising this past year, but even that was all online and involve me staying at home. Obviously I’m not going out a lot because of Covid, but even before that I feel like I didn’t go out too often for activities. So what do you do that gets you outside the house? Obviously there is sightseeing, taking walks, events to attend, volunteering. I’m looking for a really specific ideas. Whether it was stuff from pre-pandemic that you hope to get back to you, or some thing you can still do right now safely, would like to hear what you all do.

    2. Girasol*

      There may be winter activities with Fish and Game or BLM that you’d like. Where we are there’s seed collecting, seed scattering, and nest box maintenance. It’s good healthy exercise outdoors with very good company.

      1. Upside*

        Confused for a sec until I realized that would be the Bureau of Land Management, I assume ;)
        I bet in areas without Bureau of Land Management activities to join, there may be Black Lives Matter activities to be involved with.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I realized after having kids that my capacity for going out to activities is a lot less than it used to be (probably because I get less alone time, so when the house is quiet I soak it up.)

      But I do go to a few regular things most weeks, with a wildcard activity every once in a while. Im vaxed and I mask, so I’m doing a lot of the “regular” stuff again: Gym, church, Bible study, library browsing. Of course I never stopped walking & jogging outside.

      Used to volunteer at a medical clinic, have not since covid.
      Used to sing in a choir, not back to that yet.

      Wildcards:

      The most frequent is that I’ll meet a friend for lunch or go for coffee at their house.

      There’s a nice nature trail a few miles away for hiking, but I haven’t been in a while due to laziness.

      Contra dancing: our group, being a private club, is legally allowed to require proof of vax, which is banned for businesses in our state. So that’s nice.

      Our locally owned coffee shop has puzzles and board games, so that’s a nice hangout

      Our local art museum has some cool looking evening events coming up, I hope to try some of those. Or just get myself into the museum during the day.

      1. Dancing is a joy*

        Folks are contra dancing again??? Oh how I love doing that, but it would be too up close and personal for me right now.

        1. RagingADHD*

          They started back over the summer with proof of vax required. They haven’t had one since Omicron popped, IDK if they will scale back. I can’t go until after the first of the year anyway due to family commitments.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      Hiking and walking. There’s a nice flat trail near my house and I’ll take walks while listening to audiobooks just to get some fresh air and time to myself.

      Would you be interested in something like roller skating/blading? Biking or longboarding would get you out and active too!

      Are there places near you where you can craft in public? Some locally owned knitting/yarn shops do events, or places like Lowes or Home Depot sometimes do workshops that might be fun. Library events, community center classes…

    5. GoryDetails*

      Another geocacher here – it’s great fun, whether you seek caches on lengthy hiking trails or in mall parking lots or local parks. [It does depend on where you live; some areas have a lot more active geocaches than others.]

      I double up that hobby with BookCrossing, where I leave specially-labeled books around for others to find, in hopes of hearing back from them someday. Pre-COVID I’d leave books almost anywhere [except for explicitly-secure “no unattended items” locations, of course]; more recently I’ve focused on Little Free Libraries, which have popped up all over the place in the last year. I’ll map out LFLs that are near interesting-sounding geocaches, and make a mini-expedition of it.

      A friend of mine belongs to a regional historical society that offers free or discounted admission to a number of historic homes, and sometimes I’ve gone along – it’s fascinating seeing the history of the houses, and sometimes there are geocaches on the property {wry grin}.

      I’d recommend botanical gardens too, but they’re usually seasonal and always weather-dependent. But if there are any near you, you could see if they have seasonal events that sound entertaining.

      1. fposte*

        Geocaching question: maybe it’s just because I read the paranoia that is Nextdoor, but when I hunted my first caches I felt really self-conscious, and the one that was in a neighborhood I didn’t even open after finding because I felt like I’d hovered in front of somebody’s house for too long. How do people deal with that? Can you find enough if you just focus on parks or other places where lingering is less creepy?

        1. JSPA*

          Wear enough exercise-appropriate neon, and the chance of being thought a prowler drops significantly. Glasses probably help too. And stretching.

          Don’t look into windows, onto porches, nor go up driveways. People will also be less on edge about porch pirate activity after Christmas (and a lot more people will be out an about doing new year’s resolution exercise as of Jan 1st).

          YMMV (or rather, guaranteed will vary) based on other factors (size, race, perceived gender, age and location / attitudes). Brighter socks or a high vis vest would not have saved Ahmaud.

          You could alternatively break the “rule” of finding X number of caches first, before hiding your own, and decide to primarily be a cacher, rather than a cache finder. That way, you control the location.

          You probably have seen the “how to hide a cache” info, but will link it, anyway.

          2. fposte*

            Thanks, that’s useful. I look more like the person who calls the cops on lurkers than somebody who will set the neighborhood abuzz, but I like the exercisewear idea a lot. No worries about the driveways–the one I bolted from was on the verge next to the street, and that was as close as I wanted to get.

        2. GoryDetails*

          Heh! One of my favorite local caches is hidden under the porch of a residential building, and involves opening a combination lock to peer at the elaborate miniature scene inside – while lying on the driveway of the house. The cache listing specified that the neighbors were informed about geocaching, but that people should stick to daylight hours. Still took me a while to feel comfortable with that one!

          There should be lots of caches in mall parking lots, guardrails on lightly-traveled side roads, stone walls surrounding old cemeteries, the trailheads of hiking trails – those might feel less stressful than the near-a-home residential ones.

          Note: some folks combine geocaches with Little Free Libraries; a built-in excuse to stand there and stare! [Some of the hides are very sneaky – a roof with a secret door, a camouflaged panel in the back, a hollowed-out book – so they can still present a challenge.]

          1. Retired Prof*

            My favorite geocache of all time was a weatherproofed tub under a fallen tree near the creek – full of books. A feral Little Free Library.

      2. JSPA*

        I’ve been dropping a book or two at any mini library (whether an official “mini free” or not) unless they’re very clearly single interest / special interest / very limited age range (as is true of some at religious institutions and preschools and gradeschools). Gets me to cull my library, rediscover what I want to re-read, and encourages me to “release to the wild” some of the ones I liked well enough, but don’t need to read again.

    6. Daffodilly*

      Photography! Nature/close up mostly. So it can be done anywhere. I have a “big” camera and sometimes go out with intention to shoot. But also I shoot with my phone. Some of my favorite photos of blossoms were done in the parking lot of my grocery store. I’ve gone to new parks and gardens I probably never would have ventured to for photos.
      And best of off, doing photography has taught me to look at the world differently. I am constantly finding and appreciating beauty in small things around me, even when I’m not shooting them. I wonder how many times I walked by that flowering tree at the grocery store and never noticed in my pre-photography days.

    8. OtterB*

      Singing with a women’s chorus. We met by Zoom for a long time and are just getting back to rehearsing in person (all vaxxed and masked).

    11. Person from the Resume*

      Playing in an adult social sports league. Attending storytelling and comedy shows.

      Hmmm… not a lot actually.

    12. Koala dreams*

      Bird watching, especially if you have neighbors with visible birdfeeders. Parks and forests are also good, bring something to sit on and warm clothes. Many birds look for food in cities in winter, then birds are very active in spring/early summer. Autumn is more of a challenge, but you can look for fruit trees and such.

      I hope to get back into second hand store browsing soon, we’ll see what happens. I do go to the library, the librarians are very good at finding books.

    13. PlantProf*

      Playing in an amateur orchestra. Going to church. Not a ton else, I’m also in the crafting etc at home category.

    14. allathian*

      I’m hoping to get back to tai chi classes in person someday. My teacher quit completely when the lockdowns started, so I’m going to have to find someone new.

      In my area, businesses are allowed to require proof of vaccination for entry, so that’s made me a lot more comfortable about eating in a sit-down restaurant indoors again. I do know that there’s a risk of breakthrough cases, but it’s a calculated risk that I’m currently willing to take. I wear a mask on public transit and indoors in public places, except when I’m eating at a sit-down restaurant. Visits with fully vaccinated, and in some cases boostered, family members and friends have resumed.

      I’ve been going on bike rides and walks throughout the pandemic.

    15. Puffle*

      My main activity outside the house is tae kwon do- I go to classes at my local club twice a week, it’s a nice club with a really good community spirit.

      During Covid times I’ve also been going for long walks while listening to podcasts (and dog watching), and swimming at my local pool.

      One thing I’ve been missing due to covid restrictions in my area is that I used to stroll down to my local library on a weekend morning, have a nice leisurely browse, and either grab a cupcake on the way home and head back to have tea/cake/book session or go to a coffee shop with my spoils. Now I’m limited to browsing online library ebooks which just isn’t the same, but at least my cat can come hang out with me

    16. Oddity*

      Take the crafts with you! I can cross stitch as easily on a park bench as anywhere else and the outdoors provides a lot of subject matter for sketches, cards etc.

  24. BethDH*

    What are some small (20 minute) tasks that just feel visible/relaxing to have done?
    I’m going to have some extra time the next few weeks and I’d like to use it to tackle some of the things in my life that will make me feel happier and/or less chaotic later.
    My ideas so far are polishing my shoes, cleaning out my main work bag, going through my to-read list to weed and prioritize, and getting rid of all the pens that don’t work in my pen cup. I’d love some other suggestions.

    1. Let me be dark and twisty*

      I always liked going through my pantry and refrigerator to throw out expired or old food.

      2. cat socks*

        I do this every week before trash day. I found some scary looking hot dogs I had somehow previously missed.

      3. BethDH*

        I’m hoping to do this too, but I’m guessing it will be a longer task (at least for the freezer). Maybe I can break it into sections somehow. This has been a chaotic year.

      4. Fellow Traveller*

        Yes! Or actually planning some cooking or baking products to use things up. Sooooo satisfying!

      5. JSPA*

        I…find that amazing! I bet a lot of people would pay good money for you to do this for them? (Apologies if this constitutes a “work” suggestion; it’s not meant that way.)

        I only like it in the sense of the george carlin routine: when you save it, it makes you happy because you’re saving food; when you toss it, it makes you happy because you’re saving your life.

    2. HannahS*

      In my apartment, that would include cleaning out the junk drawer/junk utility cart, cleaning out the cupboard under the bathroom sink, tidying the bookshelf of the random cards, pens, and electric cords that get placed there. Shredding everything in our “to be shredded” pile. Agree on going through the fridge or pantry and getting rid of stuff that’s no longer usable.

    3. Jay*

      Getting rid of non-working pens is so satisfying! I did that recently in the pen cup on my desk and the junk drawer in the kitchen. If you have a junk drawer, tidying and organizing it is also a good small doable task.

      20 minutes for me usually means tidying a surface I have to look at all the time, like the dining room table or my nightstand. I recently went through the (deep) drawers in my nightstand. Donated six pairs of old eyeglasses, tossed a lot of random crap that had been swept in there, and have easy access to the things I actually want. Not immediately visible but made me happy.

      Sort through the medicine cabinet and get rid of expired meds? Put the random bathroom counter items into baskets or bins so they look nice and are organized?

      1. allathian*

        Oh, I really should sort through our medicine cabinet and the deep drawers of my nightstand (Malm by IKEA).

        I should also clear the paperbacks from the top of my nightstand. I have a few Agatha Christie mysteries on it at the very least.

        I should also go through the drawers of my dresser. I have lots of old clothes I never wear. A drawer at a time should be doable, I’ve been putting it off for far too long.

        Our linen closet also needs going through. I haven’t looked at every item in it since we moved to this house 10 years ago…

    4. cat socks*

      I re-folded the towel in my linen closet and moved some into the garage for rags. I have more room there now so I’m trying to jam stuff in the shelves.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Some of these may be longer than 20 minutes….
      Stock up on postage stamps. (In the U.S. you can purchase by mail or online.)
      Catch up on any lingering clothing repairs.
      Finish any half-done crafts projects (if you enjoy crafting) or take a deep breath and donate/discard the project and related supplies. Some cities/areas have a store that recycles crafts/arts supplies and other interesting junk (pill bottles, beads, picture frames, you name it).
      Wash leaves and re-pot houseplants (if you have houseplants).
      Back up your devices and figure out a way to do this regularly in future. And may the Evil Eye not read this comment and be inspired to cause trouble!
      Take your clutter to the local dump / recycling / architectural salvage store.
      Eliminate excess.personal health & grooming supplies.
      Reorganize your coat closet and landing/launch pad areas.
      Purge & donate or recycle any shoes you don’t wear regularly or semi-regularly (dress shoes, winter boots, etc.), then buy a back-of-the-door set of hanging shoe pockets for the shoes you’re keeping.
      Polish any metal objects that need it.
      Weed and reorganize your jewelry.
      Tackle any expired or about-to-expire groceries. Make soup, compost, or garbage as appropriate. Reorganize the pantry in whatever way suits you.
      Clean your eyeglasses, tech devices, and peripherals.
      Review any recurring expenses (subscriptions? donations? memberships?). Increase, adjust, or delete as you see fit. Also unsubscribe to emails and do whatever it takes to reduce your junk snail mail.

      Enjoy! I’ll enjoy vicariously since at present I don’t have time for many of these tasks.

      1. BethDH*

        This is a fantastic list, thank you! This is going to be one of the few chances I get to do tasks like this — all the stuff that annoys me at the corner of attention that would make my life easier during those crazy times.

    6. Reba*

      For me the biggest visible improvement exercise is getting everything that isn’t supposed to live on the counter/table/coffee table put away.

      A big functional improvement is sorting out the “landing zone” by the door.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Choose a storage unit (freezer, cabinet, drawer) and empty it. Return only the things you use, neatened so you can find things. (I did the freezer yesterday. Apparently I thought I would remember having, and defrost, frozen potato water to use in some future baking?)

      You don’t need to do the entire kitchen/bedroom/attic at once, which can be daunting and make it hard to start. Do the freezer on one pass, the fridge door on another, the back of the fridge shelves on a third pass.

      The pen cup idea I will second as very satisfying.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Re the potato water – same. I have started writing notes to myself and putting them in the appropriate baking mold to remind myself to use the ingredient. For sourdough bread, I put a sticky note on the starter jar in the fridge. Potato water is too good to waste!

      2. Purple Cat*

        potato water?
        I’ve never heard of saving such a thing, but I’m not a baker.
        What are the benefits/uses?

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          It’s starch-laden water, so good added to starches. Especially common in coffee cake, but also added to bread.

          I have a vague memory of reading some baker who recommended freezing it, and I must have meant to remake whatever the baked good was. But forgot completely about my frozen potato water for some long stretch of time.

    8. Aphrodite*

      Do you like a clean house but aren’t really crazy about cleaning? If so, try the annual Apartment Therapy’s January Cure ( https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/january-cure-2022-sign-up-37004167 ). It’s a 20-day program all about loving on your home and preparing yourself and your space for the new year. They send 20 weekday assignments straight to your inbox starting on Monday, Jan. 3. It’s some cleaning, some decluttering, some small home projects planned for the year ahead in a virtual group.

      One day you’ll declutter a single drawer, while other days you’ll tackle something more ambitious like cleaning the bathroom top to bottom. But there’s no pressure to complete everything. The Cure is about progress, not perfection, so you’re welcome to follow along and pick and choose whatever assignments speak to you.

      I have participated for years. I don’t do it all but I try to and what I do accomplish feels SO good. I recommend it.

      1. Not Your Sweetheart*

        I’ve signed up every year for at least the last 5. In all that time, I’ve cleaned one drawer and bought myself plants/flowers. I did follow their summer Kitchen Cure all the way through once. It felt really good to get it done.

    9. Susie*

      Wipe down kitchen cabinet doors

      Clean drawers (take out the contents/remover drawer liner and wipe out any lingering dust/debris).

      Vacuum and spot clean any upholstered furniture

      Clean curtains

      Dust moldings

      Clean out the bottom of the window and the track of sliding doors

      Wash or Swap out pillows

    11. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      Dusting the ceiling fans, window blinds and air vents. I want to do it quarterly but getting out the step ladder and moving furniture so i can reach is such a pain. I feel so much better when it’s done though…like I’m adulting on a higher level.

    12. Stunt Apple Breeder*

      -I wipe down the walls using a mop and microfiber towel. A surprising amount of dust collects in my drywall texture. A little degreaser helps prevent buildup of grunk over time.

      -Clean the dishwasher and washing machine using pre-measured packets of cleanser. I also wipe down the top of washing machine tub, rinse out the softener and bleach dispensers, and check the hookups for leaks.

      -Clean the accumulated lint out of the dryer. This usually takes me about 45 minutes because the outer cover needs to be opened to access the space around the drum. Reassembly can be a 2-person job. There are YouTube videos that demonstrate how to do this.

      -Invest in a shower squeegee. Squeegee the walls and spray a daily shower cleaner after every use. Wipe down the bottom of the curtain liner and use a more powerful shower cleaner every few weeks to keep mineral buildup at bay.

      -Going through all the pockets of my coats in the closet to make sure they are empty. I always find a few bucks or lip balm and a pair of gloves I have been looking for…

    15. Not So NewReader*

      Clean out my wallet/purse. I try to do this every few weeks but it’s actually every month and a half or so.
      Clean the silverware drawer. Why does so much crap fall in there???
      With limited time, I like to just vacuum the front seats of my car. It feels so much better- like the car won’t fall apart on me now. ha! It’s great what the mind can be tricked into believing.
      Wipe down frequently used appliances.
      Figure out which drawer is the worst one in the house or in a particular room and thoroughly clean it.
      I am decluttering so sometimes I think of an item and realizing I am done with the item. I dig it out and put it on the tag sale pile. The key here is I just retrieve that one item no big project involved.
      I do have broken things around the house. Because of my limited technical ability I am able to figure out if I can fix it or not within a short period of time. So some days I will grab a broken item and see what I can or can’t do for it. It either goes back to its designated spot for usage or it goes into the garbage/recycle, depending on the outcome of my efforts.
      Some days I will open my container of batteries and just go around the house replacing batteries that have quit. Usually this starts with a beeping smoke detector and I end up doing clocks, doorbells, flashlights and so on.

    16. Fellow Traveller*

      I love all these suggestions!
      One thing i do when I get a few minutes is go through my phone and delete/ cull my photos. Maybe even do the same on my computer.
      Mending is also very satisfying for me.

    18. A Feast of Fools*

      I bought a fabric brush for just this reason. I have 3.5 weeks off from work, for the first time ever in my working life, and I want to tackle all the niggling little things that bother me the rest of the year but I never have time to get to.

      So I decided to finally scrub my kitchen cabinets and remove the [embarrassing amount of] years of grease and dust build-up from the ridges and corners of my not-flat cabinet doors. They’re painted, so I have to be gentle. I did one door with a toothbrush and despaired at how long it would take to do all of them the same way.

      Then I Googled “large soft brush” and landed on a fabric brush. It’s perfect. It’s like a giant, super-soft toothbrush.

      I use it on a different section of a cabinet door each time I’m in the kitchen waiting for the microwave to ding or for the kettle to boil. The progress I’m making is visible, tangible, and very, very satisfying. :-)

    19. I take tea*

      Clean the microwave. Boil water with a little lemon in for a fresh feel, and the steam softens up gunk. Defuzz the water kettle or clean the coffee maker properly.

    20. Squidhead*

      Refill the bird feeders!

      Set up your calendar for next year (we are a paper-calendar-in-the-kitchen household, so paydays, birthdays, and important reminders need to get transferred onto next year’s calendar around this time for us.)

    21. Retired Prof*

      I translated all the items on my electronic to-do list into Italian. Now even if I don’t do any of them, I feel like I’m studying my Italian while checking the to-do list. Plus my mundane chores sound more elegant in Italian.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          I agree!
          I wonder if somewhere else in the world people are happily translating their to-do lists from [you name the language] into English for the same reason.

  25. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Looked out my back window this morning and there was a whole dang tree missing.

    We had a lot of rain last night followed by a lot of wind (not as much as the tornado folks but apparently still enough) and one of the trees apparently had shallow enough roots that it just pulled itself right out and lay down. Fell away from the fence and the other trees, luckily, so nothing was damaged — we just have to manage cleanup now. But that was a whole double-take this morning. :)

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Those sudden & unannounced scenery changes can be unnerving! I hope your double-take didn’t come with a spit-take. ;-)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Haha, nope! Put on my husband’s big stompy boots (see also, lots of rain and wet ground) and tromped out to get a closer look and make sure nothing was damaged, and that was about it.

        When housemate came upstairs, he looked out the kitchen window and went “Yup, it sure fell down. As long as nothing is damaged, that looks like springtime Mike’s problem.” Which seems reasonable to me, nothing is damaged and it’s not in the way or anything, so as long as we get to it fairly early in the spring, it should be fine to lay there for a couple months over the winter.

    2. fposte*

      I’m in tornado country so I’m used to the yard-check in the morning. We don’t seem to have progressed beyond a tornado watch last night in my area but the winds were fierce. I was quite surprised to see how few things were down this morning–I guess that trees are less vulnerable without leaves to catch the gusts.

    3. Morning reader*

      Tree roots are mostly in the first foot of soil anyway. They spread a distance and might be intertwined with the roots of other nearby trees which iirc does more for their stability than depth. Was your fallen one separate from the others?
      There’s a large branch fallen off the one of the white pines next door. The neighbor has several tall ones and I console myself with the idea that they are holding each other up. Lots of branches and needles and pine cones galore but so far, the trunks are holding.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        The closest to it are a lilac bush, what used to be a 50 foot ash tree before we took it down a couple years ago (it was diseased about 20 feet up, so we cut it down to the ground, and now the stump is regrowing saplings), and a 3 year old peach tree (about 15 feet away), so even if the roots from the old ash tree were tangled up with it, I don’t think that was enough to help.

        But we were pretty sure the fallen tree was mostly dead anyway and needed to come out, removing it was going to be on next spring’s list so now that list entry is just … revised. :)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Exchange I have had with said housemate:

        Me: “You may not use a gas-powered chainsaw in the house.”
        Him: “Of course not. That’s why I got an electric one.”
        Me: “…. carry on.”

        (The sofa wasn’t coming out of the basement in one piece anyway.)

        1. Enough*

          Friend’s daughter got tired of waiting for her father to move a dresser out of her room. He came home to find the pieces in the basement. A sledge hammer can be your friend.

      2. Salymander*

        Recently, my husband has had a lot of fun cutting off tree branches that are too close to the house. He bought a rather small electric chainsaw thingy for the purpose. We call it the Baby Chainsaw. Which, now that I have just typed it, seems like a name that could be interpreted in an unfortunate way, yaknow? Yikes!

    5. WellRed*

      I thought this was going to be a story about someone cutting a tree for Christmas! Glad that’s not the case.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      With all the rain here this year, our yards were really wet. The water came up over my shoelaces almost everywhere I walked.
      There was a large tree in my neighborhood that fell over because of all. the. water. I got ready for bed and it was there when I got my final drink of water and turned in. When I got up in the morning I went to the window, I saw the sky and stars then I realized “where is the massive tree?”. It fell over in the night. It was about 200 years old and probably 4 feet in diameter. We never heard it- I mean -even the dog did not heard it. The most remarkable part is that it did not hit any buildings (and therefore no one was injured).
      The lack of noise started a new joke here. “If a tree falls over and there ARE people around to hear it, does it make any noise?” No. It does not. BTDT.

    7. A Feast of Fools*

      Ooh, yeah. I looked out my bedroom window one day this spring and had that weird feeling that something was off. It wasn’t until I’d fired up my [battery-powered] lawn mower and my neighbor hollered from the other side of the fence, “Come see where my tree landed!” that I realized the weirdness was the missing 60-foot hackberry tree that had been at the back of our shared property line (though the roots were on her side).

      The thing had done a dramatic, high-school-acting-level, *swoon-and-faint* straight down her side of our fence line, landing with the tips just inches from her carport. You could see how the tree had basically swiveled on its root ball, just like a diva making sure that she landed perfectly on the fainting couch with the back of her hand to her forehead.

      One of the branches bounced off the edge my detached garage, causing ~$250 in repairs. But had the tree landed just five feet to the east, it would have taken out my shed and my entire garage.

      When trees fall like that overnight — and it’s not one of your own trees — it’s kind of like when a coworker shaves his beard and you know something is different but you can’t quite put your finger on it. :-D

      1. allathian*

        I’ve had multiple experiences of that kind when coworkers change their hair or get new glasses.

        Luckily no trees have fallen on our lot, because the lot next door is a small wood that’s never been cut. It’s downhill from us, though, so that decreases the risk somewhat, at least if the trees are healthy.

        In 2011 we built our house, and one of the trees on the municipal lot next to our boundary was rotten. We asked the municipality to cut it down multiple times, to no avail. Then, around Christmas, storm Dagmar arrived. When it was ravaging Sweden, my husband called the municipality again, and told them that if the rotten tree fell on our almost-completed house, we/our home insurance company would be suing the municipality for damages. They sent someone to take the tree down on Christmas Day, and the storm hit on Boxing Day. The dominant wind direction was such that the risk of it falling on our house would’ve been very high.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My dad did that the whole time I was growing up — I’m mostly face-blind due to a total lack of visual memory anyway, and he switched back and forth between beard/mustache and clean-shaven about every six months. Drove me bonkers. (He keeps his whole head shaven now that he’s gone mostly bald, so at least I recognize him consistently every visit now. :) )

          Yikes! I’m glad they did finally come and get yours out in time at least. This one was located such that the only thing it really might have done damage to was if it fell in the direction of the fence, it MIGHT have taken out a fence panel, but I’m not sure that hitting the fence wouldn’t have done more damage to the tree in this case. Glad we didn’t have to test the theory.

    8. Retired Prof*

      This happened to us but it was an 80’ pine tree and it landed on the edge of our cabin. While there are dead trees in the forest, this one was green and healthy, but a had shallow root mat. Rainstorm + wind did it in. I felt very betrayed looking at the crushed wall and roof. I trusted that tree to be that close to the house, and it betrayed me.

      1. Anima*

        The day our fig tree in our backyard needs to be cut down will be a sad day. It’s the highest tree for miles (it’s so big it’s easily identifiable on google maps despite google maps being from around 2008). We rent, so it’s not actually our tree, but I have a connection to this fig. It should be as old as the house, which will be 100 in a few years.
        Our landlord says she has the tree monitored by an arborialist because if it falls, it will do *so much* damage to houses and properties all around, regardless where it falls. Hope the fig never falls and never need to be cut.
        That said, it will possibly involve a crane and the fire department when this tree needs to be taken down because of the dense buildings around, I would like to witness that spectacule. Hope it’s not needed for a while!

        1. A Feast of Fools*

          I had a 60-70 year old American Elm in my backyard. Its branches covered my *entire* backyard, which is a smidge under half an acre, and includes a detached garage and a big-enough-to-live-in shed. It, too, was easily visible on Google Maps.

          It eventually succumbed to disease and needed to be taken down. The tree cutters climb waaaaaaaay up to the top and started cutting off “bite-size” pieces and lowering them to the ground. The guy in the tree tied a rope around the branch he was targeting before cutting it, tossed one end of the rope to his coworker on the ground and tied off his end on another branch in such a way that it acted like a pulley. The branches didn’t get lowered straight down, but got pulled away from the trunk and guided to a safe landing spot by the crew on the ground.

          Once they got the outer branches trimmed down, they started cutting bigger and bigger chunks, eventually sawing off 3-4 foot high chunks of the massive trunk.

          So a well-trained crew could cut down the fig tree without disturbing or harming anything around it. I hope that’s not necessary for a long, long time. :-)

        2. Anima*

          I learned the wrong word, its not a fig, it’s a spruce! English is not my first language, ooops. I’m sorry for any confusion caused.

  26. The Prettiest Curse*

    The staff at our GP surgery have done an incredible job taking care of me and my husband this year, and I’d like to send them an end of year gift. If there’s anyone here who works for the NHS, are there any restrictions on patients giving gifts to staff? And what would be most appreciated if we can give them a gift?

    1. Jay*

      I’m a doc in the US, so I can’t speak to NHS rules. When I was in primary care practice, food that could be shared among the staff was definitely the most appreciated gift.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Worker for the NHS here. Large gifts have to be declared and are not allowed to be accepted, so definitely not a collection of money or anything like that.
        But food for the whole office to share is a great idea (not homemade) either ;) I always appreciated boxes of chocolates for example.

        1. Cordelia*

          yes another NHS worker here – something that can be left in the kitchen/staffroom/wherever, at work and be shared by everyone there. Chocolates, biscuits, cakes, etc. Not homemade, and not too expensive.
          Fancy teas also go down well in our clinic, especially for people who are avoiding chocolate for whatever reason.
          Thankyou for this thought

      2. JSPA*

        US here; I’ve been sending fancy dried fruit, occasionally chocolate covered. Sometimes seeds or fancy popcorn, but I avoid peanuts, “tree nuts,” cashews and soy (as people who are allergic can be allergic at a distance) and make sure some or all of the selection is sulfite-free. Nothing “scented.” Google says the NHS gift rules cut in at £50.

        “The guidance will permit staff, such as nurses, to receive a box of chocolates or other small tokens of gratitude from patients but will require them to decline anything that could be seen to affect their professional judgement. Gifts with a value over £50, accepted on behalf of organisations, will need to be declared.”

        I suspect that if you gave £40 worth at one point and husband gave £40 worth at another, that might save them the bother of reporting. Don’t know if you can have it delivered direct from the manufacturer with a gift receipt that does not show your name, or only says, “with gratitude.” That seems like it would get around the stated problem of encouraging preferential treatment (?).

        1. Cordelia*

          £80 is too much, I’d say…(speaking as an NHS receiver of gifts, not as a mean gifter!). That’s a lot of chocolates! I’ve always understood the limit to be around £10, but I don’t know where I’ve got that from. Really, its kind of you to think of the staff, and it will be appreciated, but as Laura says, a fancy box of M&S biscuits is the level you’re looking at. And a card with a handwritten note, rather than an anonymous gift message, probably

    2. Laura Petrie*

      I’m not working in the NHS (yet!) but have been on placement in NHS settings. I usually buy the fancy boxes of M&S biscuits and some chocolates for the team at the end of my time with them.

  27. cat socks*

    Has anyone used the Minute Clinic at CVS? Yesterday I was trying to rescue a stray, injured cat and he got his teeth on my finger in the process. The wound healed,, but it was inflamed and I wanted to get some antibiotics.

    It was later in the day and my regular doctor didn’t have any office or televisit appointments. The clinic had an appointment available within the next 30 minutes so I quickly signed up online. When I got there I told them the wound was on my finger, but they weren’t able to treat it. They said something about the tendons being affected and recommended I should go to urgent care for a more thorough examination.

    A few years ago I went to a Minute Clinic while I was traveling because I had UTI symptoms and they weren’t able to treat that either. Their website lists a lot of services, but I’m not really sure what they can treat.

    Thankfully I was able to get a televisit for today. I’ve had a cat bite before and it healed up fine with the antibiotics.

    Also, the kitty is doing well. There’s a family in my area who cares for a colony of cats and they noticed this friendly guy start to show up. He had some wounds on his body and they were concerned it was deliberate. He’s set up in a dog crate in my basement and I’ll be taking him to a shelter next week.

    1. Steel Before Iron*

      I used it a few weeks for a skin irritation/rash. They recommended a cream but it hasn’t helped so I’m going to meet with my doctor or dermatologist. But it was fine for quick peace of mind.

    2. WellRed*

      Yes for what turned out to be bronchitis. Efficient, friendly convenient and I would recommend. I think it was about $79 for the visit.

      1. WellRed*

        Oh I see you’ve not had as much luck. Yeah, there is definitely a lot they can’t do, some possibly out if abundance of caution.

        1. cat socks*

          Yes, I understand some services are probably limited due to liability. They were very friendly, though and I didn’t have to wait much at all before my appointment.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have gotten abx from a minute clinic before when I had a tooth infection and both my regular doc and my dentist were out of town because their kids were both getting married (not to each other), and I see them for minor things like ear cleaning once or twice a year. In general, they’re best for sick, not injured, if that distinction makes sense.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (I’m surprised they weren’t able to address your UTI symptoms though, I know a couple of people who have had UTIs treated through Minute Clinics with no issues.)

      2. cat socks*

        That makes sense about sick vs. injured. That’s good they could treat the tooth infection. My husband had a tooth problem about 10 years ago and we had to find an emergency dentist. Good to know they can treat those types of infections.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          yeah, they couldn’t do anything about the actual TOOTH obviously, but I was just like, I would like my face to not fall off before I’m able to get in to see the dentist next week please? and they’re my normal pharmacy, so they had access to records that said I’d been prescribed abx before with no problems.

    4. Ashloo*

      It seems weird and incorrect that they didn’t immediately write you a script for antibiotics for a cat bite. I had a bad one earlier this year from (ironically) administering antibiotics to a former neighborhood roamer (happy indoor guy now). I used a telehealth appointment and the doc took it extremely seriously.

      My only interaction with Minute Clinics has been to check out a rash and drive-thru COVID testing. I think they suggested a topical steroid cream to start, but they also didn’t prescribe anything for the rash. Maybe they can’t? In any case, I’m glad you were able to find appropriate treatment in the end!

      1. cat socks*

        Yes, I was hoping to get started on the antibiotics yesterday. Thankfully the doc on the televisit will be sending prescription in today. It seemed to be the issue that the bite was on my finger that was the problem.

        1. Cj*

          I can understand recommending you seek further treatment for the injured tendon, but they should have started you on antibiotics immediately. You can get sepsis and die from and infected cat bite.

        2. Admiral Thrawn Is Blue*

          I follow many cat blogs and FB sites all dedicated to cats in some way. Cat teeth go in deep and often heal over very quickly so you don’t realize how deep and bad it actually is, until the red streaks go up your arm. I have read this story many many times. Quite a few people get hospitalized for days due to this. I love cats but yeah, they can do their damage.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Speaking as someone who did get hospitalized for a cat bite, yes, the sooner the better.

            Also, if it is a stray cat, the clinic might report the bite. When my cat bit me, the hospital ER reported it to the county animal control office even though it was my cat. I then had to argue with someone in the corridor that no, you were not going to dig up her poor little body for rabies tests; her shots were current, and here is the name of her vet.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Many states mandate that medical providers (and veterinarians) who see patients on the receiving end of mammal bites report them to the state department of health (either directly or indirectly) as a public health issue. (I’m the one who does the reporting for one of the hospitals in my system.)

            2. cat socks*

              Yes, bites can be very serious and that’s why I wanted to get started with treatment soon. I’ve gotten scratches before, but the teeth are worse. Thankfully they didn’t say anything about reporting the bite. Kitty is not neutered and hasn’t had any shots, but will be treated at the shelter next week.

              1. Cj*

                I don’t want to worry you, but since this is an unvaccinated, injured straight with wounds, is it possible those wounds are from a rabid animal? If you have any suspicion at all that is that that is possible, you should tell your health care provider and get rabies shots. I guess now it’s only like three shots in the shoulder, not 14 in the stomach like it was decades ago when my cousin needed them after being bit by a rabid bat.

                If you don’t want them to put the cat to sleep in order to test it, tell them it was a stray you don’t have access to or something and just get the shots. Then keep a close eye on the cat for symptoms in the future.

                1. Cj*

                  I wanted to add that that my husband and I have been bitten by many a feral cat we were trying to catch in order to get them fixed. But this was a supposedly friendly cat that bit you, which is a little different, and since they have wounds it would concern me more.

                2. cat socks*

                  Good point. Thanks for bringing it up. The people who were caring for the kitty previously think he was being hurt by someone deliberately. But I will check with the doc about the process for rabies shots

          2. WS*

            My cat bit me very deeply (he’s an old man and got a fright) and I went to the (usually calm and undemonstrative) doctor and got a dramatic lecture with gestures about how cat bites are the SECOND WORST because at least dog bites pull away but of course human bites are the WORST and I’m lucky it wasn’t a human!

            (I’m in Australia so no rabies concerns even if it wasn’t my indoors cat!)

      2. Windchime*

        Yeah, I had a cat bite a few years ago and I called the clinic to see if I needed to go right in or if it was OK to wait till the next day. They told me to come in now and they treated it like a snakebite or something. Lots of scrubbing, a tetanus shot, and all kinds of wrappings and antibiotics. Apparently cat bites can go bad very quickly. This one was right through my thumbnail–it still gives me the chills to think about how that felt.

    5. fueled by coffee*

      I’ve used minute clinics for things like flu shots/TB tests/strep tests. At least in my area, they are staffed by nurse practitioners, rather than doctors, so I think there are limits on what they are allowed to do — specifically, I don’t think they can prescribe medication (I think a separate doctor had to prescribe the antibiotics for my strep, but it was years ago so I don’t really remember).

      So that might be why they were hesitant to deal with your finger or the UTI. I find that the minute clinic is convenient for routine shots and stuff, but I would go to an urgent care for more pressing issues.

    6. Blackcat*

      Huh, I’ve had great luck with minute clinics for exactly things like UTIs and sinus infections while traveling. They’re the only “in network”’option for me when I’m out of state, and it be universally had good experiences. Sorry they couldn’t help you!

    7. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Based on my experience with Minute Clinic, they should be able to treat that. I’ve used them a couple of times and it was about equal to visiting a more formal urgent care, but faster. The only problem I had was that one time there was weirdness with insurance covering it, but that might not have been Minute Clinic’s fault.

    8. HamlindigoBlue*

      Minute Clinic isn’t my favorite. They prescribed the wrong kind of antibiotic for my son to treat strep, so we had to have his regular doctor get him a second round of the correct script. Since then, I’ve only gone back to get a signature for a sports physical. I think my husband went there to get a prescription shampoo also. I am glad Minute Clinic is available as an option, but not long after the strep incident, an urgent care associated with our doctor opened up. We just do urgent care now.

    9. JSPA*

      Unless you had an anaphylactic rabies vaccine, or are in the UK, I’d strongly, strongly suggest the ER. Also check your tetanus shot date.

      Rabies isn’t something where you get a second chance.

  28. HannahS*

    Any reformed complainers out there? What helped you?

    I have a sister who complains a lot. She has normal problems (doesn’t like her job, pandemic was and is hard, rough commute, is lonely etc.) Her complaining forms a significant portion of the time we spend together. She knows what the solutions are to her problems (it’s mostly waiting until circumstances allow her to change them), so it’s mostly an endurance game for her right now. I have two separate issues.

    1. Frankly, I’m tired. Listening to someone complain as much as she does is hard on me. It’s a big stream of negativity to absorb.

    2. Complaining isn’t helping her. She gets worked up while reciting the litany of everything that’s wrong with her life. She’s unhappier afterwards rather than calmer, and she’s sometimes bewildered or upset that she doesn’t feel better after telling me about what’s wrong.

    I’m one of her only sources of emotional support and I’m honestly fine with that, most of the time. I’d like to do something other than just suggest therapy or set a limit on complaining for my own sake. If you’re someone who used to complain a lot, what helped you shift? Was there anything your loved ones did/could have done to help you be more at peace with unpleasant situations?

    1. Reba*

      Have you had the meta-conversation about her conversation? Point 2 makes it sound like you might have? If not, I think you are in a great position as someone who knows her well to basically say kindly what you said here. “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to feel better after venting, and frankly I don’t feel better either although I want to support you.” See what she says!

      My other suggestion that comes from having been in my own rut is to come up with things to look forward to and talk about them instead. “What are you looking forward to?” The answer may be, not much. You may have to make your own fun here. If you have the time to offer her to watch a movie or show or read a book and then get together/call to talk about it, that can be a pretty simple activity to look forward to, and even become recurring. But you just had a baby, right? so perhaps that’s not realistic. :) But I feel like some near-term future, small, positive stuff can be part of changing this habit.

      1. Lasslisa*

        Asking better questions is a big step, I find – change the pattern and make her think a bit. Ask about what’s been pleasant lately, ask if she’s watching any good shows, if she’s heard from any mutual friends lately, disrupt the flow with a “wow, that sounds like a real shame. What else have you been up to? Have you gotten out for anything special this week?”

    2. WellRed*

      My mom is a complainer (she’s also fun but the complaining is suuuuch a drag). When I’ve found myself starting to sound like her I’ve made a conscious effort to STOP. Like literally talking to myself to cut it out. I also call out my mother when it’s too much. To get credit, she listens.

    3. MissGirl*

      Do you know if she does this with other people or just you? I have a brother that brings out this side of me. If you’d ask him, I’m a giant Eeyore. If you ask me, I’m a generally pleasant person. I’ll be perfectly happy and then he calls. He has a way of minimizing my complaints that makes me dig in deeper to them. It’s a bad cycle I’m trying to break out of. I try to remind myself he stinks at emotional support so I can’t use him for that and to keep things more surface level. But just once I’d love him to say, it does suck that you’re alone on Christmas. I think he feels if he commiserates with me then he has to fix it so he just doesn’t.

      In that vein, here’s my advice. Offer her sympathy without judgment or trying to fix it or minimize it. Even in your comment, you’re minimizing her complaints. I know you say they’re “normal” complaints but they’re really not. For instance, I’m lonely but I also have a great job and no commute. I’m glad I don’t have all her problems.

      Let her complain for however long *you’re* comfortable with and genuinely commiserate. Maybe that’s one minute, five minutes, or one phone call a week then shift the conversation. Maybe if she feels heard and doesn’t have to justify her problems, she won’t dwell on them with you. Ask her about things she’s excited about. Does she have hobbies you can talk about? Are there things she’s looking forward to? Show genuine interest in these things even if they’re not your thing.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Buckets of empathy.

      My relative passed away before we could reset from the stress-transfer pattern. (I got cancer a year before this, which meant I won the family bad week contest hands down for the next year and it turned out if not telling me how hard other people had it, she had nothing more to talk about to me–logic says stress, depression, age; emotion was sad and feeling unseen.) I really regret not figuring out a way to break that pattern earlier, because it strongly affected the relationship in a way I think was big for me and unnoticed for her. But she would have regretted it if she recognized the pattern, and maybe been willing to work on breaking it.

    5. fposte*

      This is thoughtfully written, but I’m not sure that it escapes the usual challenges of “How can I make this person change?” Two possibilities I haven’t seen–talk to her about it in just the way you’ve laid it out here, with emphasis on 2, and find an activity you two can share that can carry some of the conversational burden and, hopefully, give your sister some more positive energy in her life. Maybe you’ve got some insight from counseling patients? If so, bring it to bear without positioning yourself as the authority. There’s certainly plenty of research indicating that constant venting does, in fact, make things worse, so if you need an appeal to authority it’s there.

      I’ve gone through complaining phases (and have definitely been in the “it’s making things worse” spiral), but mostly it’s with particular people; it’s very much a habit, and you can be emotionally supportive without being a captive audience for an unchanging movie. So as much as you don’t just want to set a limit on complaining, I think there’s merit to that for both of you–at this point it seems like your conversations are mostly about her and mostly her complaining, and that’s not good for either of you. I would be inclined to broach it in those terms–“I feel like we’re focusing on complaints a lot in conversations, and since it’s about stuff that isn’t changing it just stresses us both out more. I’d like to spend more of our time together training the dog/learning to tapdance/painting the basement, at least for a little bit. Would you be game for that?”

    6. Wishing You Well*

      You can only change you, not someone else. Suggesting therapy and setting a time limit on complaining are sound coping mechanisms, which I hope you will do. You can also start asking your sister some form of: “What are you going to do about it?”
      I have a friend who’s a chronic complainer. She is the most put-upon, burdened person she knows. This is her identity. She gets lots of attention and drowns out other conversations. This is far too rewarding for her to change. I changed by spending very little time with her. I’m sorry for her troubles; I just can’t help her. You could be more helpful to your sister by listening LESS but you can’t change her.

      1. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

        THIS, MissGirl. I can be a bit of an Eeyore, myself, but nothing aggravates me more than someone who won’t shut up about “fixing” me. I don’t need to be fixed, I just need an ear for a bit. And yet, people like to rush straight to fixing it – this is also why therapy is a no for me – the idea of therapy is to fix things, and the fact is, I don’t need things *fixed*.

        1. JSPA*

          Nobody owes an ear, though, unless you pay them. A lot of therapy is less (or not at all) about fixing you, and more about being a “paid ear,” while you work through the stuff yourself, that’s more easily worked though by saying it out loud to someone else. “How do you see approaching that” is a dead common therapy response.

          1. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

            But if you don’t want to be an ear, just say that rather than jump to trying to fix it for me. You’re not a therapist, so you don’t get to try to solve my stuff; that’s my job.

            1. JSPA*

              Strong agree. Only addressing the line,

              “this is also why therapy is a no for me – the idea of therapy is to fix things, and the fact is, I don’t need things *fixed*.”

              You don’t need to be fixed, you don’t need someone else to fix your life, but you do appreciate an ear that’s willing to listen to you be eeyore. You can use your friend time for that, if your friends are willing; you can pay a professional to listen (with ground rules of, “not looking for a fix!”) and do something else with your friend time. Some therapists (and some friends) will not be on board with that, as is their prerogative; some (of each) will.

        2. allathian*

          Maybe you don’t need things fixed, but nobody owes you an ear. I find it very annoying to listen to someone complain repeatedly who refuses to do anything about the causes of their complaints. If a friend wants to vent, I’ll often ask, “do you want to brainstorm solutions, or do you just want to vent?” and if it’s the latter, I’m very firm with only listening once or twice to them complaining about a particular issue. Often, someone who will listen repeatedly to complaints about the same issue will be an active enabler, because the person who gets to vent doesn’t have to do anything else about their issue, venting lets them relieve their feelings enough that they can continue to put up with whatever it is that’s making them miserable for a while longer. If I’m the one with a complaint, I’m careful to share the load between friends, so that no one has to be my friend-therapist.

          Some people thrive on drama, but they’re exhausting. I recognize my limits and I’ve learned to set boundaries. When I was single and lived alone in my early 30s, a friend of mine was in a relationship that was making her unhappy for various reasons. It was a matter of incompatibility and unwillingness to compromise and set boundaries rather than abuse; he was very extroverted and wanted to party every weekend, she was more introverted and would’ve been happier just seeing a friend or two, or staying at home, and he resented that and let her know it, so she’d often give in and resent herself and him later when she was exhausted from the parties she never wanted to go to in the first place. She vented and I let her vent, until I couldn’t take it anymore. So I told her that I couldn’t be a sympathetic ear for her troubles anymore, but if she ever left her then-partner, I’d be happy to let her stay at my apartment while she figured out her options. I didn’t hear from her for nearly a year and actually thought she’d ghosted me as a friend (even if we didn’t use that word in the early years of the millennium), until she called me and said she wanted to leave her boyfriend and asked if my offer of a place to stay was still on. So she stayed a few weeks at my place while looking for a new apartment, I and a mutual friend helped with the move one day when the ex was at work. I guess we were lucky in that the ex didn’t cause any trouble when he realized she meant it when she said it was over. He did try and get her back a few times, but finally desisted when she didn’t answer his texts and let his calls go to voicemail. It was his apartment and the furniture was his, so she basically left with a couple suitcases and a backpack. I also helped her furnish the new apartment by going to flea markets and second hand shops with her. We’re still friends, and now she’s happily married to another extrovert, but he’s happy to party with his friends without her, and in return she’s happy to go to events that he thinks they should attend as a couple, like his friends’ weddings and milestone birthdays, etc.

          1. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

            Where did I say anyone “owed me” an ear, though? If a person says they don’t want to hear it — unless the thing is regarding them, personally, I move on. I also don’t owe it to a person to “fix it”, because I am an adult, and the choice is mine to make. What I’m getting at is that demands to fix things on a timetable not my own is pretty disrespectful, and people need to stop doing that to others (I’ll make exceptions for dangerous behavior; yeah, friends should probably be persistent about those kinds of problems). No one owes anyone a particularly cheerful personality, either. Boundaries work both ways.

            1. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

              There’s also the privileged assumption that therapy is readily available to everyone, when it truly isn’t always an option, so throwing out, “See a therapist!” is pretty useless, throwaway advice unless you have the means and ability to get there.

              For years, I had no insurance because I couldn’t afford it. I have some now, but in- network therapists are few and getting an appointment is likely to take 6 months MINIMUM, if I can even find one I can get to, so there’s that. And there are thousands like me outchea in the USA.

              1. pancakes*

                That is an extraordinarily long wait. Have you confirmed that it would indeed be quite that long? With a wait that long, there’s no reason not to just take the appointment. It can always be canceled later if you change your mind or find someone else available sooner.

                Some states are taking action on wait times for therapist appointments, which seems like a great idea to me. From a November 18, 2021 KQED story:

                “A new law signed by Gov. Gavin Newsom in October aims to fix this problem for Californians. Senate Bill 221, which passed the state Legislature with a nearly unanimous vote, requires health insurers across the state to reduce wait times for mental health care to no more than 10 business days. Six other states have similar laws limiting wait times, including Colorado, Maryland, and Texas.”

    7. NeonFireworks*

      I sympathize. I once lost a friendship to pointing out (very gently and kindly, but still) that 90% of what I was getting was complaining and that the one sided negativity was really hard to take. Captain Awkward has a column called “I lent an ear to a friend, how do I get it back?” that helped me process it in retrospect.

    8. Colette*

      What happens if you don’t respond to complaints (or respond by changing the subject)?

      Generally, humans do whatever gets them the reward they want. If it stops being rewarding, they change.

      So, what if you try:
      “Oh, that sounds tough. What are you going to do about it?”
      “You’ve mentioned that before, and you know what I think. Hey, do you remember that time when we were kids when the dog got into a fight with a badger?”
      “Yeah, I’ve been there. Did I tell you I saw my grade 1 teacher at the grocery store yesterday?”
      Or even: “well, it’s getting late, I’ve got to go, but I’ll talk to you next week.”

    9. Not So NewReader*

      OP, it could be that sis needs an ear for a bit- this is a great point. It’s okay to tell her that you cannot be that person.

      I have my own things that are difficult for me to push through. Just because I am not talking about them does not mean I am fine. It just means I am not talking about what is Not Fine.

      You can tell her that you can’t do venting BUT when she is ready to develop an action plan for any complaint you are more than willing to help her bounce ideas around.

      In the end, I had to step back from the complainers in my life. My life got very challenging after my husband died and problems came up fast and thick. I had ZERO time to spend on just venting. I had to roll up my sleeves and do WORK. Interestingly, for the most part the complainers seemed to have little to no clue how to handle stuff. It was other people who were able to help move (what seemed to me to be) mountains.

      Put your own oxygen mask on first, OP. Do not allow other people to drown you with their misery.

    10. Asenath*

      A friend once told me straight out in the middle of a conversation that I was talking (ie complaining) too much about my job. I was a bit startled, but took it as it was meant (as a kindly hint, a broad one to be sure, but I don’t always notice subtle), and stopped. I don’t know if that would help – I suppose it depends on the person; some people would be direly offended by something so direct.

    11. JSPA*

      The best way (and most respectful way) to encourage healthy limits in others is to model them yourself, though. State your needs and limits, state what works for you, cut her off when it’s not working for you.

      “starting now, I have the emotional bandwidth to moan with you for 10 more minutes, or to do something enjoyable together for 2 hours. I’m going to powder my nose. While I’m doing that, think it over, and pick the one that’ll make you feel better. “Both” isn’t an option. I’ll be back in a jiffy.”

      That’s fine!

      We all have patterns. We all have urges. We all have wants. We all have expectations. But the majority of the things peppering those lists are not truly needs; they’re things we do, not things we MUST do.

      “You don’t want to listen to me!”

      “I’d love to spend 3 hours listening to us making an effort to be happy together. Alternatively, I can listen to us doing our default of being miserable together, for 10 more minutes. Either way, it’s you and me, though! Which will it be?”

      “there’s nothing for me to be happy about.”

      “Well, no, probably not, unless we determinedly decide to make it happen. You in?”

      “How dare you talk about being happy when…”

      “Daring to be happy when there’s nothing to be happy about is literally the only way to make a start at it. I’m ready to go all in, when you’re ready.”

      “I need to tell you this, though!”

      “OK, ten minutes it is, then. Don’t worry, we can try three-hours-of-happier next time.”

      And then, you go. Really–you pack up and go.

    12. Lady Danbury*

      I don’t know if this would work for you and your sister, but my sister and I have the kind of relationship where I can say to her that she’s already vented about X issue, I’ve given a response and now I don’t want to talk about it anymore. You can modify the wording to be a little nicer, but bluntness doesn’t bother my sister and I. This reminder usually snaps her out of the complain mode and may also be a wakeup call on the fact that this has been a recurring issue, so it may be time to do something about it. And if there’s nothing that can be done, it’s a reminder that constantly complaining about it only makes us both feel worse.

  29. Dwight Schrute*

    I got a deskcycle to use while I watch tv in the evenings! Does anyone here have one? What are your thought?

  30. Come On Eileen*

    My 82 year old dad bought an electric bike a few months ago from Rad and has been LOVING it. It’s such a kick to see him out toodling around the neighborhood. I need a recommendation for a good bike lock, ideally one that works well for electric bikes. So far he only goes for pleasure rides and doesn’t stop. He wants to be able to take it to Starbucks or the market, lock it up for a bit, etc. Any recommendations for a lock I can get him for Christmas?

    1. Sutemi*

      A U-lock through the frame will generally be most secure, potentially with an additional cable that goes through the front wheel if that wheel is expensive. My wheel is not expensive so I don’t bother. The rear wheel isn’t easy to remove quickly so people rarely lock that. There are youtube videos of the best ways to secure bikes which you may want to watch.

      Kryptonite New York is one of the best, and would be large enough to fit almost any frame as well as the post you are locking to. Always make sure you lock to something secure like a bike rack that is bolted down, and don’t lock to trees (it can harm them).

    2. WellRed*

      Your dad is obviously fit but he’s also 82 so please make sure whatever lock you get is easy to use for old fingers and eyes.

    3. M*

      Kryptonite U lock or Abus granite lock. The u lock is easier, the granite lock better. (Bike insurance is your friend here.) we have rad bikes too, they’re great!

    4. Cj*

      I check it a place that sells trailers. They have very good laws for them, and might have something like this for your dad’s bike.

    5. Retail Not Retail*

      Kryptonite chain lock is what I used for my electric bike. One time the key snapped off and I had to leave my bike at the store overnight before a locksmith could come. He had to grind through the loops, it was not quick or easy. Kryptonite reimbursed me AND sent me a new one for free with only a picture of the broken chain required.

      It was super heavy but totally worth it for peace of mind. Of course, my bike came with a basket which made carrying the lock a breeze.

    6. JSPA*

      Abus is my go-to as a brand. Note down the key code, so you can order more, though! Or order extras when you get it.

    7. The Dude Abides*

      Kryptonite Evolution Chain Lock (Series 4)

      Not personal experience, but the LockPickingLawyer claims to use it on his own bike.

  31. Falling Diphthong*

    Family movie recommendations? For me, over the next few weeks while one or both children are home. We have Netflix, Amazon, and Disney+, also a local library network with good-size dvd collection.

    Existing things I might want to rewatch:
    The Martian–yes, we are a family of hard science geeks
    Good Omens–the sort of insanity we enjoy (spouse and I have seen, probably new to kids)

    Things I watched this year and think would have broad appeal, both short series:
    His Dark Materials–beautiful adaptation that really captures the appeal of the books. Written in part as a reaction to CS Lewis’s stuff about the magic of childhood and adulthood being a fall from purity.
    Chernobyl–on the advice of my college student, and absolutely gripping. I lived through this time and knew the basics, still found it fascinating. Turns out knowing how it turns out actually makes it more gripping, because doing-the-stupid-thing is being very strongly considered at multiple points and it feels like disaster averted in a way fiction often misses. (If you tell me the plan has “1 in 80 million chance of succeeding” I am confident we are in a fictional world where it succeeds.)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      If you like dad jokes and terrible puns, I would highly recommend the new Jungle Cruise movie, which is on Disney+ now. It actually felt very much like a next-generation successor to The Mummy to me, which is one of my favorite movies. (Bluestocking gal with dopey but eventually useful brother and cute adventuresome hero, hijinks ensue. This describes not only both movies, but also my household.)

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Does anyone have recommendations for things in this vein, but more recent?

            Red Notice aimed for it but hoo boy, missed by several states.

      2. CatCat*

        Seconding Jungle Cruise. It’s kind of a dumb movie, but exactly the kind of dumb movie that is just super fun to watch. Dwayne Johnson is good at this sort of thing. His Jumanji movies are another I’d rec.

    2. Hornets*

      Mysterious Benedict Society on Disney+ was great, if you are also interested in short series for yourself.

    4. Kiwiapple*

      The Paddington (bear) movies – not just for children and are heartwarming and fun. Second one is better imo than the first.

    5. Dark Macadamia*

      His Dark Materials is such a fantastic book series. My husband and I just started season 2 of the show, they’ve done a great job adapting it!

      Have y’all watched WandaVision on Disney+? I’m not particularly into the MCU but it’s more of a quirky ode to sitcoms with a mystery twist and I loved it.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I enjoyed that and am loving Hawkeye. I think because there is zero sexual tension–the leads’ relationship is mentor/protegé with a fatherly feel, edging toward friends which of course the naif feels more than the experienced warrior.

        Also the Tracksuit Mafia are such a refreshing change from the run of super soldiers.

      3. RagingADHD*

        I haven’t seen any of the MCU movies but really enjoyed the heck out of WandaVision and Loki. I’d say WV was slightly better because it’s so very relationship-centric, while Loki is more adventuring-across-time-and-space, so while extremely cool it didn’t cut as deep.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      Oh I was also going to suggest “Knives Out,” it’s a dysfunctional family comedy/mystery with a great cast – I think it’s on Prime or at least rentable on Amazon

      1. GoryDetails*

        I love Knives Out! Very entertaining on a number of levels. Enjoyed re-watching it, too, knowing where things were going; still didn’t spot all the clues, though – I tend to be oblivious that way.

    7. the cat's ass*

      another rec for Ted Lasso (apple)
      The Mandalorian is worth a re watch (Disney)
      Raya and the Last Dragon (Disney)
      Shen-Lu (sic) and the 10 rings was fun (i live near SF so that made it extra fun- disney)
      Asimov’s Foundation series(? Ithink Apple)
      Ewan MacGregor’s “Long Way” trilogy, where he and a friend ride motor bikes from London to NY (“Long Way Round”), From Scotland to South Africa (Long Way Down”), and Argentina to LA (” Long Way Up” ) all over land. (Netflix)

    8. RagingADHD*

      We really enjoy the old Disney B movies for a slightly cheesy nostalgia night: Herbie the Love Bug, Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo, The Cat from Outer Space, That Darn Cat, etc. I’m going to see if I can find the original 70s versions of Benji and Escape from Witch Mountain when it’s my turn to pick next.

      We also enjoy lesser-known classic musicals like The Court Jester and I Love Melvin.

      My kids are younger than yours, and the nice thing about older movies is that there wasn’t such a hard divide between kids’ or tweeny movies that drive adults crazy, and adult movies that would be uncomfortable to watch with parents. There’s a lot of just fun silliness that anyone can enjoy.

      My daughter had friends over last night to watch Mean Girls, and I made the mistake of walking through the room during the sex-ed scene where the teacher says, “You’re going to have urges to touch each other, and if you touch each other you will get chlamydia.” I laughed out loud, and my daughter died a thousand deaths of mortification.

      So we keep things on the tamer side for family night, because too much mortification isn’t fun.

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        Ouch! Is The Court Jester so old now that it’s considered lesser-known? Kids my age had a blast with “The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle…”
        My son loved the Abbott and Costello movies, particularly the ones where they meet the famous movie monsters.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I don’t think it’s that much lesser known to people who really like musicals. But that’s already a subset of the general audience, ya know?

          And there wasn’t Broadway hit associated with it, so it doesn’t get revived onstage.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        These are great reminders–The Cat from Outer Space is one my kids and I love and my husband gazes at in mild befuddlement.

    9. GoryDetails*

      I’m very fond of Arthur Christmas – not new, but still fun.

      Netflix has the holiday specials of the Great British Baking Show; they’re great fun, with the “Great New Year Baking Show” having additional charm – it features several of my favorite contestants, all of whom banter delightfully with each other and the hosts and judges, very sweet all the way around.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Matt Lucas overload has put me right off GBBS. I’ve liked him in Dr Who and panel shows, but IMO he’s one of those performers who does best inside a tight structure and gets sloppy with too much free rein.

        Sandy + Noel worked, because Sandy played straightman to Noel being goofy.

        Noel + Matt started off feeling “off,” because you had goofy + cringey. Then Noel tried playing straightman, which doesn’t suit him. And this latest season was just All Cringe Alla Time with Matt just visibly annoying the bakers.

        I gave up after 3 or 4 episodes, because it just wasn’t my kind of fun anymore.

        1. fposte*

          I sadly agree, though I blame both Matt and Noel. We just fast forward through their parts and watch the baking.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            I’d summarize the new series as “The heart of the show is the bakers baking, and that’s still there and still great. Noel’s aggressive whimsy sets my teeth right on edge, though.”

        2. GoryDetails*

          I do miss Sandy. The Matt-and-Noel combo sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t, and the main-series introductions where *everybody* gets into costume for a skit have been more cringe-inducing than amusing. But I do love the baking, and in the New Year special there were some delightful interactions – from sweater-vest-and-tie Henry to nervous motor-mouth Rahul to veteran Nancy to Noel’s kindred-spirit Helena.

          1. Not a cat*

            They brought Rahul back. UGH! That puts me off. He is my least favorite (and undeserving.) I’d take an entire series of just Matt and Noel over 3 minutes of Rahul.

            1. RagingADHD*

              See, I thought Rahul was sweet. I can see where he could be annoying but he was so sincere that I wanted him to do really well.

              Just goes to show how everybody has a different take on stuff.

              1. Falling Diphthong*

                I like Rahul in part because he is so sincere and straightforward that he really throws Noel and Matt off their schtick.

    10. I take tea*

      We have enjoyed The Good Place immensly and it has sparked a lot of discussion about what is good and not. A colleague have watched it with a thirteen year old and said the kid liked it.

      I think the remake of Jumanji workes very well as a family film as well, I like the way it gently parodies the video game genre, even as it’s very much action.

    11. The Dogman*

      The Money Pit.

      Turner and Hooch.

      Big.

      The Burbs

      Philladelphia (bit sad but great film)

      (Can you tell I like Tom Hanks and 80’s movies?)

      Original Ghostbusters and GB2, the new one didn’t have much in the way of fun for me, but I might be constantly comparing it to the Dan Akroyd version.

      The Labyrinth

      The Rainmaker

      My Cousin Vinny

      If they are old/mature enough:

      Dragnet (some sexual content with all the references to the lady character, not sure if parents are ok with that?)

      The Expanse (amazing TV show and super hard SciFi)

      Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (the film, I doubt any series of an action film is worth watching)

      Snatch

      The Equalizer 1 and 2 (This series i deeply unbelievable with Queen Latifha in it, so I would stick to the films)

      The Duellists (totally weird film with Harvey Keitel based pretty accurately on a true story which is just mental!)

      Starship Troopers (awesome film, the sequels are pretty dull though, and cheap, but the first is movie gold)

      Alien and Aliens (don’t bother with 3 and onwards, totally ruined the franchise, instead read the novels)

      Predator (Arnie Arnie Arnie!)

      Running Man

      Total Recall (original is best, remake is OK)

      Open Range (great western with Kevin Costner and Robert Duval, the bad guy gets shot right in the face!)

      Unforgiven (dark but deep and Clint Eastwood plus Morgan Freeman is a cast to see together I think)

      …. I have so many more but not too many are family fun ones…

      Hope you find some great stuff to watch!

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, the Duellists is such a cool movie. IIRC it was one of Ridley Scott’s first, or the first, feature? And shot entirely in ambient light, I think.

        Besides the stranger-than-fiction story, the cinematography is beautiful to look at.

        1. The Dogman*

          “Besides the stranger-than-fiction story, the cinematography is beautiful to look at.”

          Absolutely, it is a great film!

    12. Yay movies!*

      Not sure how old your kids are, but here are some I love and watch repeatedly:

      Galaxy Quest. And if your kids are old enough, the documentary ABOUT Galaxy Quest (I can’t remember what it’s called, but you could Google it)

      School of Rock.
      Enchanted.
      Hugo.
      Harold and Maude (note: it’s a comedy but the two main characters are obsessed with death, so MAYBE not appropriate for some kids and/or during Covid? But a GREAT movie.)

      Arsenic and Old Lace!!

      1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        You have great taste! Galaxy Quest, Hugo, and Arsenic and Old Lace are three of my favorite movies.

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      Clarifying: My kids are in undergrad and grad school. But I welcome the wide range. The holidays is a good time for “generally appealing to a variety of people” rather than “laser-focused on what one person likes.” (There was a letter from someone whose office took everyone to The Book of Mormon, and another got Sausage Party.)

      I wanted to look for stuff that might be new to all of us, but not “like it enough that I watched it this fall with my husband.”

      1. Not Your Sweetheart*

        If you like Good Omens ( they’re filming season 2!), then watch Staged. I think it’s on Hulu. David Tennent and Michael Sheen stuck at home during the shut down. They play exaggerated versions of themselves, and it’s amazing.

      2. Helenteds*

        The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming-1960s comedy, takes place during the cold war, it is kind of fun if you are interested in that history, it stars Carl Reiner and Alan Arkin.
        Hail Caesar- Cohen brothers comedy about Hollywood in the late 1940s (it isn’t dark or violent)

      3. California Dreamin’*

        Our early-20s kid moved back in and spent the pandemic in our bubble. We had some stuff we watched as a whole family (down to young teens) like Good Place, Parks and Rec, movies like Imitation Game and Adjustment Bureau. With just the young adult, we like What We Do in the Shadows for light fun. Ted Lasso is great. I like Modern Love. It’s a series based on the NYT column. Each episode is a one-off with a whole different cast, so you can just watch them individually. There are some really nice stories. We also watched all of Sopranos and all (so far) of Ozark, but those are bigger and darker projects.

      4. WoodswomanWrites*

        A winning classic in science fiction is The Day the Earth Stood Still, the original 1951 version.

    14. I edit everything*

      I don’t think anyone has mentioned it yet:

      The Mitchells vs the Machines on Netflix is a hoot and a half for every age.

      1. PostalMixup*

        With extra points for the complete absence of a loss story line! It’s so hard to find “family friendly” animated movies without a significant loss component these days. Frozen 2. Onward. Coco. Viva. I cried during Mitchell’s vs the Machines, but it was almost entirely from laughter with a drop of “Awwwwww” right at the end.

  32. MusicMama*

    Hi! I’be been working with a therapist for grief counseling and trying to get into a better mental health space since the end of the summer. She’s wonderful and has been very helpful. During our most recent session we discussed a possible diagnosis of bipolar 2 disorder. Talking through the symptoms and behaviors, my late teens, twenties and thirties make so much more sense. Has anyone had a later in life mental health diagnosis? How did being diagnosed change your mental health condition?

    1. Black coffee*

      Not me, but my husband got a bipolar 2 diagnosis at 40 and it ultimately changed his life significantly for the better. He is now 55. Mood stabilizers were extremely helpful. He also significantly benefitted mentally after he was diagnosed with (and consistently treated) his sleep apnea, so if this could possibly be a problem for you, do a sleep study! Best wishes as you navigate all of this.

      1. MusicMama*

        Thanks! I appreciate you sharing your experience. The sleep apnea is definitely something to check out! I’m glad to hear things improved for your husband!!

    2. sequined histories*

      My mother was diagnosed at 67 with bipolar 2. It was helpful for her, I guess, in a short-term sort of way in that she had spiralled to a very, very bad place in terms of not eating or sleeping and there were some real medical efforts to address her extreme symptoms.

      One thing I noticed with my mom was that she did NOT ever take on board the idea that it would behoove her to start developing an array of skills for coping with this serious, chronic condition. She did not seem to see any point in going to therapy OR any point in even trying out specific strategies she might use to cope with her symptoms. Once her problems had been medicalized, she just sort of waited for the doctor to fix her, which did not work out great.

      I don’t mean to blame the victim here–many other members of her family, including me!–had struggled with serious mental health challenges. I know it is not easy, and I don’t mean to be glib or imply that if you just practice “wellness” or whatever you’ll be fine. But one thing I did learn from my mother’s negative example was that when you have a chronic, serious medical condition, it will probably improve your quality of life if try to find some things you can actively do manage your own condition in addition to receiving appropriate medical care.

      1. MusicMama*

        Thank you for your insight! My uncle had bipolar 1 disorder and I saw the impacts of his mania and depression. He didn’t receive treatment after he had a break down and it was really sad he couldn’t find a path to better mental health. I think putting a name and cause to my patterns is the first step but I’m absolutely committed to doing the work. I’ve seen what happens when the condition goes untreated.

    3. Liz*

      I had a bipolar 2 diagnosis in my 30s and it definitely helped. I’d realised it myself before the official diagnosis as I kept cycling through phases of depression. Doctors had treated me with various antidepressants plus Valium but once I got the bipolar dx they put me on Quetiapine and it was like the veil lifted. My moods and outlook changed and I was able to go back to school and got a job after 7 years on disability/no income. I now work in the mental health field myself and am training as a therapist.

      I’m still struggling with some symptoms, mostly cognitive. It’s been suggested that I may also have autism or ADHD but my current mental health team has told me that they just flat out don’t refer adults for diagnosis for those conditions so I’m going to have to go back to the GP and try and find out where to go next.

    4. irene adler*

      My sister endured many years of mood swings, depression etc.
      In her 30’s she was diagnosed with bipolar II.
      The diagnosis served to clarify her experiences.
      And she endeavored to manage it with a team of medical professionals.
      She learned that when she felt a mood change was coming on, she knew to get to her doctor for evaluation and adjustments to her meds. These changes were not just something to endure or wait out. I think that gave her a sense of control that she welcomed.

  33. Ellen*

    I’m looking for recommendations for brokerage services. Right now, we have accounts with E*Trade, but their customer service has deteriorated for the last 2+ years, and they are now merging with Morgan Stanley, so they’ve gone from bad to worse. I would like to find something with a local physical location, and not a strictly online service.
    I know that some of the banks offer brokerage services (Chase, B of A), but I’m not convinced that a bank will be staffed with knowledgeable people who can execute transactions in a timely manner, or explain the details of a stock split, etc.
    I’m sad about E*Trade. We’ve been with them for decades, because in the past their customer service has been stellar.

      1. Anono-me*

        I was actually going to ask about Fidelity today. I’ve been looking at the free $100 offer for opening an account with $50, but worried about missing a catch, because it seems to good to be true. It sounds like you have had good experiences with Fidelity.

        1. fposte*

          Fidelity, Schwab, and Vanguard are the three most recommended on my favorite financial forum of bogleheads dot org. Vanguard doesn’t have physical branches, so that leaves Fidelity and Schwab. I have had very good experiences with Fidelity myself–they have my 403b, which I’ll roll into an IRA and leave with them next year, and my donor advised fund. Their credit card is good too.

          AFAIK, the $100 offer is a reliable incentive–never heard anybody run into strings on it.

          1. Not a cat*

            I used to work with Schwab’s compliance technology. From that perspective, I thought they were on the best BDs.

          2. Retired Prof*

            We have both Schwab and Fidelity accounts and have found them to be what we need. We don’t do a lot of trading, though.

    2. CJM*

      I worked with Fidelity for the first time earlier this year to transfer and divide an inherited IRA. That involved numerous phone calls and emails to manage four sets of accounts, contracts, and financial transfers. A few representatives dropped the ball on clear and timely communication, but the majority were helpful and competent. I’d definitely pick Fidelity again for a challenge like that.

      As for regular investments, my husband has used Fidelity for many years to buy and trade stocks online, and he’s happy with them too. I’m now investing there too. (We have yours, mine, and ours finances.) Timeliness hasn’t been an issue online. I don’t know if Fidelity can explain details like stock splits, but maybe.

      Fidelity has a physical location near us, but we haven’t used it.

    3. Generic Name*

      If you have a smaller portfolio (in the low hundreds of thousands or less), Edward Jones could be a good fit. They focus on smaller accounts and you have a relationship with one broker. My current broker started out at Edward Jones, and when he moved to Merril Lynch, I moved to them too.

      1. fposte*

        The problem with Edward Jones is that they are very high fee and commission based representatives, so you’ll generally get less money at the end than if you’d invested the same amount at Fidelity or Schwab.

        1. Generic Name*

          Do you get brokers with fidelity or Schwab? I guess I don’t mind paying for a service, bit if it’s a fee just for the sake of a fee, then yeah, that’s dumb.

          1. fposte*

            Do you mean personally assigned to you? Not automatically, no. Fidelity and Vanguard offer personal advisor services for an additional fee; Vanguard’s is .3% annually and Fidelity’s seem to range from .5 to 1%, depending on which version you sign up for. But there are no commissions, no fees for closing accounts, no fees for reinvesting dividends (which is a particularly nuts one that Edward Jones charges), no fees for IRAs, etc., and also and no loads on funds–Edward Jones frequently puts people in high-load funds that charge 5% or more, plus a 1% 12b fee, which is a fee that nobody should be paying anything for. And the company strongly encourages putting clients in a bunch of different funds to make it look complicated, when there’s mostly redundancy involved and no benefit from the additional funds.

            Money is very personal, and a lot of people highly value the old-school contact with a single broker. But honestly, there are better ways to get that than most folks at EJ.

            1. small town*

              We have a Vanguard portfolio and it is managed by “Nate the money man” The fees are very reasonable but the layers of service are stratified by how much you invest. You start with a team and then move up. Fidelity works well for friends. I agree about the fees at Edward Jones!

    4. CatCat*

      I’ve used Fidelity, Schwab, and Vanguard. I like Fidelity best and now have accounts consolidated there. I like their site and their customer service. They also have physical locations though I’ve never visted one.

    6. Florida Woman*

      Another vote for Fidelity here! We’ve been with them for almost 20 years and have never been disappointed. We have visited branch locations in the past, but we no longer have one near us and it doesn’t matter because the online and phone service is great. Large wire transfers (for buying a house), certified checks, etc. have all been handled without visiting a branch. I love that they reimburse ATM fees and don’t charge annoying fees for things like printing checks or sending a wire. We actually do have a financial advisor assigned to us at what is technically our “home branch”, but I’ve never spoken to him since we don’t need any help picking out low cost index funds. For those who want more personal interaction, in our experience Fidelity staff are quite friendly and helpful and there is always the option to get more personalized advice.

      1. Florida Woman*

        I should note that it’s possible some of the Fidelity freebies I mentioned are available based on the amount invested with Fidelity….But I still loved them when I was young and early in my career and barely able to save!

    7. ronda*

      I have used fidelity and vanguard and I find them both good.

      I do almost everything on the website, and both work well. I have never used an in person office for them or used one of their advisors (both offer advisor services).

      I have had to call fidelity in the past several years (but not vanguard) and have run into long wait times when making calls, but they are helpful when I do get someone to talk to.
      I have had problems with transferring money out of 401k at fidelity to IRA at fidelity (and out to another brokerage). They seem incapable of transferring out the entire balance and leave the accounts with an insignificant amount remaining in the account. I got quarterly statements mailed for years on a 3 cents balance.

      Fidelity does have the best option for an HSA of anyone. No fees and 100% can be in investments. I do strongly recommend transferring any HSA balances to them.

      I have also heard that fidelity sometimes pays an incentive amount for moving balances to them (I imagine you have to transfer a significant amount- but you should ask) and vanguard never does.

  34. anon24*

    For people who have moved states not for a job or for family, how did you pick where you want to go? My husband and I hate the state we live in and are planning on moving, but when *anything is possible* it is very overwhelming. It would be so much simpler if we were looking into a certain area due to family or if a job was transferring us, but right now we just need to be anywhere in the US where we can find jobs and can afford to live.

    How did you help narrow places down? We created a list of requirements/things to consider, (able to find jobs, able to afford housing, not a very urban area but also not very conservative, weather conditions, taxes), but how do you look at an entire country and go yes, we are going here? We have a map and have literally been drawing question marks and X marks over states, but does anyone have any advice on researching, comparing, and finding “the one”.

    We’re also cool with moving somewhere and moving again in a few years (we have no kids and no ties to family), but if anyone has done this and has advice I’d love your thoughts. Also, unfortunately, as much as we would both LOVE to, moving out of the country is not really an option right now, so please keep comments US mainland please!

    1. fposte*

      Remember that there’s not likely to be “the one”; quite a few locations will be likely to be happy homes for you, so once you weed out things that really are dealbreakers flinging a dart is probably just as good as any other method. Look for online forums for those places to see what people complain about (they’ll be mostly complaints, I suspect, because that’s people on forums) and then factor how important those things are for you. I’ve also seen people go for extended visits in possible locations; obviously that’s not a perfect test as seasons and neighborhoods vary, but it can at least give you a taste.

      1. Buni*

        The first half of this would be my method of attack – start with the Absolute Nos and then see what’s left to whittle down the fine details.

    2. fueled by coffee*

      Do you have friends who happen to be clustered in a certain (out-of-your-current-state) area? You don’t need to be next-door neighbors with them or even live in the same town, but, for example, if you have a bunch of friends in New York City, someplace like New Jersey might hit your criteria. If they’re clustered around Chicago, mid-sized cities/towns in the midwest might fit. There can be a kind of adventure in moving across the country to where you know no one, but it can also be nice to say, “Let’s make weekend plans with the Jones’s” while you’re still building new friendships in the new area.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The first time I moved interstate, I literally packed a couple of suitcases and got on a plane to Seattle within a week of getting the idea. Stayed there for over ten years.

      The second time, when I took two years to plan and save up, my initial requirements were large academic health care system (because that’s where my career field and experience are), I had to know at least one person in the area, it had to have at least some semblance of actual seasons (Seattle’s 10 months of grey was doing me in), and it had to be far enough away from my family that they wouldn’t show up unexpectedly. From there, I started making pro and con lists.

    6. Lifelong student*

      Google phrases like “best city for _____” or start with “Best state for _____'” for each of your criteriaand or Best County in state for ____.” Rank your criteria – like access to health care, cost of housing, job market, etc. Set up a spread sheet with the criteria in rows and places in columns. Then you can refine as you see how things come out.

    7. Generic Name*

      I would think cost of living would be a big factor. As in, can you afford to buy a house there. I think the map idea is a good one. Do you want to live near family? Do you want to be far away from family? Maybe narrow it down to say 5 locations and then start applying for jobs and move to the place where one of you gets a good offer. I would suggest doing periodic reality checks, as in if a place seems appealing, check out house prices or rental rates on Zillow. I remember more than one thread on here where somebody had a list of desired traits of a place they want to live like: mild winters, not hot summers, liberal, near nature but also near lots of cool urban things to do, within an hour of the beach, and can buy a 3 bedroom house for $150k. No place in America meets this list, so make a list, check it for reality and then decide what to compromise on. Maybe you need to increase your housing budget, or bend on your desire to live in an area with lots of university educated liberals. Maybe living far away from the beach is doable for you.

    8. Hlao-roo*

      Your requirements list + map method sound like a good first step to me. I have two process suggestions. First, some ideas for turning the question marks on your map into check marks:

      1. Able to find jobs: can you and your husband each do a quick search on indeed or another large job board for [job title] + [potential location]? Just scroll through to get a sense of many/some/no jobs in your chosen fields.
      2. Able to afford housing: look on zillow or other real estate site. How do housing costs compare to your housing budget?
      3. Not very conservative: there are presidential election results maps online that break down results by county. These will give you a very general idea of how conservative a given county is (and you can compare to your current county’s results).

      My second suggestion is related to decision paralysis. You have so many options, and you could probably spend a year (or more!) just researching locations in the United States. Remember to think about: how much longer do you want to live in your current place? And what will get you to move to a new place? I’m assuming you’ll move when one or both of you have a new job in that location. If that’s the case, when you’re going over the map, start making a list of places that meet your requirements. Then start applying for jobs in the places on your list. You’re open to anywhere, so I wouldn’t try to assign any priority to the list.

    9. anonymous person who moves a lot*

      I was in a similar situation years ago and played process of elimination. I started with the criterion that I guessed would rule out the most options (because that was the most helpful place to start), then came up with a shortlist of possibilities and did a moderate degree of research to narrow it down more, then spent longer than I really needed to grading all of the possibilities in Excel on various remaining criteria, weighting and reweighting the criteria, and making a ranked list like that. (This is why I work in data science, slash audio processing.)

      If anecdata would help (some of these are more rural than others): Bellingham WA is pleasant with ridiculously easy access to 2 big cities if you get bored (Seattle and Vancouver Canada), but the winters are gloomy and waterlogged. Ithaca NY has a huge amount of character and local spirit and it is so so so pretty, but has poor access to air travel and the winters are cold and harsh, which would be easier to deal with if there weren’t so many sudden steep hills. Madison WI – same, and the hills aren’t as bad, but there are lots of tourists and I thought sometimes it felt like a government town trying to be hippie-ish. Asheville NC is vibrant, but it’s not as undiscovered as it was so it’s increasingly unaffordable/overrun, plus I couldn’t take the summer humidity. I really loved Davis CA – summers are hot but dry and it cools way down at night. Nice mountains on the horizon as a backdrop but so flat in the valley that everyone bikes everywhere. Winters are chilly but not awful. Bay Area is close enough for a day trip but feels like a completely different world.

    10. Lizy*

      He’s been wanting to move to Alaska forever. I said no. So cold was a factor (ie we wanted the cold). Wanted stupid I-can’t-see-anyone-for-100-miles rural, so basically anything east of Ohio was out. Wanted something with a lot of fishing, so the dakotas and Montana were out. Minnesota and Wisconsin were top runners… the UP. We’re going to the upper peninsula of Michigan.

    11. Cj*

      I don’t know if you’re going to find everything in one place. Having been dumped on by 10 inches of snow last night, I’d love to move to a warmer climate. But unless I was in an urban area, which I would not want, it would probably be more conservative than I would like.

      I didn’t look at the quiz people mentioned in the comments, it does sound like a good place to start.

    12. New Horizons*

      I moved a LOT. It’s always taken me at least a year to feel comfortable & at home so consider staying for a year before deciding to move again. Also, renting will give you lots more flexibility than buying. Maybe also take a series of trips to scope out the areas you’ve narrowed down before you move.

    13. JSPA*

      air quality, both overall and burn bans/lack thereof, have been big for me. Distance to airport or to coast or to whitewater or to skiing. Presence of your least favorite climate conditions and natural disasters–how dangerous, how often, for how long? Racial equality on economic measures? Social harmony and tolerance? (Does not automatically track with left/right or any other descriptor, no matter what you may believe extrapolating from yourself an a few friends!) Arts that are meaningful to you, or that will bring in the sorts of people you want to be around? Sciences, ditto? Educational institutions, ditto? Medical services, ditto?

      Taxes are a funny category. If you GET SOEMTHING for your taxes that you value (clean air, good streets or good bikeways or good sidewalks or good transit, safer public buildings that stand up to increasingly intense storms, public art, or whatever else is meaningful to you or likely to be meaningful to people you’d want to hang out with) and non-corrupt government, those taxes will seem far far far more reasonable than if you pay and feel like you see nothing, for them.

      Pay attention to property taxes (city, county, school district, and there can be many others as well) as well as taxes on those working in the city, and sales taxes, not only state income tax. Rebates, for things you’re likely to buy/do (whether that’s “a bike” or “solar hot water” or “putting in a non-irrigated lawn replacement)? If you expect to have a car or cars, registration costs are dramatically different, as are (annual or biennial) inspection requirements.

      Can you get fast internet? Do you have a choice of providers?

      If you could not drive for a while (or ever), could you still be OK there? Repeat that exercise, but switch “drive”out for “bicycle,” or for “walk.”

      If you’re ill or out of town and your walk needs shoveling, or your tree dumps a branch on your neighbor–will people pull together to help you make it right, or will the first you hear of it be a pile of citations and a summons?

      Housing stock age and thus materials: lead pipes? Lead paint? (On the walls or in the dirt of your yard?) Asbestos, and what sort, and how friable, and where (siding, home insulation, pipe wrap, popcorn ceiling, old floor tile, old floor tile glue)?

      Electricity source, and plans to upgrade (or downgrade), and what that will mean for your air and water? (Cracker plants, other industrial in the process of development, ditto; massive planned tear-down of housing stock with lead or asbestos? Old co-generation plant that releases plastic fumes and PM2.5’s–is there a plan to cap and scrub?

      Critical chemical exposure risks: Unlined / leaking landfills, chemical / radioactive caches, old industry that’s leaching into the water table or soil–especially any firefighting/fire retardant chemicals, and any impoundments of coal ash that, by dam failure, could drastically affect the area?

      Where will you make new friends and meet people? (Crafts, continuing ed, religion, museums, social service volunteering, gaming, parks, public events, nascar, tiddlywinks tournament, participatory sports, poetry slams–literally whatever you’ve been hoping to do, or thinking you might quite enjoy.)

      Is there any major niche interest that you have, whose adherents are geographically highly non-randomly distributed (whether that’s chess clubs or furry fandom or raising miniature goats or ice sailing)?

      Will you be able to host old friends, if they are likely to visit? Is there some event that might bring them in?

      More than one place to buy food, in walking distance?

      Places to fix whatever items you’d rather fix locally than replace or send out? (Might be computer, vacuum cleaner, phone, drive train of car…whatver’s true for you).

      Some of this is more relevant if you hope to grow old there, but as making new friends can get harder with age, moving multiple times may not be your goal.

      How do you feel, walking the streets in google maps? See places you’d love to explore, or find yourself zoning out, because there’s not much “there” there, for you?

      1. JSPA*

        And a strong suggestion, if weather and temperature matter: 1. use weatherspark, vs. sites that give you less granular averages then 2. correct for the fact that weatherspark is an average of the past, and check on the last 3 or 4 years, separately.

    14. Not a cat*

      My first big move was to switch coasts (EC to WC). I picked LA because I had family here (who all eventually moved to Nevada for tax reasons), friends, and I had spent significant time here as a kid so it was as easy as a move can ever be. I wish I would have gone with my real choice, Vancouver BC, but I didn’t want to deal w/ residency stuff. My place of work was willing to move me to Ontario or Panama. I’m still in LA, 20 years later with a few months spent in Portland and Dallas for onsite projects.

    15. Bad at picking names*

      You also might want to consider how global warming will affect/is already affecting your desired areas.

      As a lifelong Californian who grew up in SoCal and currently lives in the Bay Area, the recent uptick in massive wildfires has been a rude awakening. They were always in the background, but the orange/brown skies and not being able to breathe outside for weeks on end has been deeply unsettling.

      Northern Minnesota and upstate New York, specifically Buffalo, are considered to be the two safest areas for climate going forward. The PMW used to to too, until they had their own massive fires last year. Good luck!

  35. The Other Dawn*

    Has anyone had fascia scraping/Graston technique done? If so, did it work for you?

    I started seeing a chiropractor for what I assumed was a very tight muscle in my lower right back. Wouldn’t release no matter what I tried and it’s pretty painful in the morning when I wake up. And I’m often waking up during the night intermittently because of it. He thinks I have a number of issues all connected that are also causing the bilateral hip bursitis as a secondary problem. He said it seems like the fascia around the right hip joint is tight and has adhesions, so he started fascia scraping. He said I should see some improvement within four sessions, and if I feel it’s not working, we’ll either part ways or he can try other things. I had the first treatment last week and it was a cinch. He said he was very gentle, but it would get more intense as we go on. Well, the one this week was definitely intense, though it wasn’t terrible. But I’m sore these last couple days. I’m keeping up with the stretches he gave me, so I’m really hoping this helps me.

    1. fposte*

      I have. It was fine but seemed pretty crude. I’ve also had direct hand and finger work on fascia done and that was a lot more effective, though it can also hurt like hell. He should be responsive if you say you need a breather for a moment when it gets painful.

      I would also encourage you to check in with a doctor and look for a PT if things don’t improve in four sessions. While you’re likely informed enough about things that you and I are just on different sides of the fence on chiropractic, you’ve got history enough that you want to get into the pipeline for a scan if need be down the line.

      1. JSPA*

        “Chiropracty” turns out to be an umbrella covering several very disparate types of body work, with a significant geographical variation.

        I’m only commenting on the actual practice and the self-identification of practitioners, not (say) variations in “theory” or “philosophy” or “belief system” or whatever other (more or less charitable) term someone might apply to the historical and current underpinnings (though from what I have gathered while studiously not engaging, those also differ).

        I know what series of motions will re-align my ribs and spine and clavicle so as to un-pinch certain nerves. If a chiropractor will do those as requested, I can be in and out in under 5 minutes, and it feels rather safer than trying to get family or friends to do it (especially if I want my neck cracked).

        1. KoiFeeder*

          This is pretty much where I fall. My joints are bad at staying in place, and someone trained in certain kinds of body work can pop them back in with minimal/no damage, which is more than I can do on my own, and for less time and expense than the doctor’s visit would take (and without the exercise sheet that I can’t follow because I have chronic fatigue and would throw up after a 15 minute jog, much less a 90 minute one).

          That being said, if anyone started claiming they could cure my autism it wouldn’t matter if they were a chiropractor or a doctor or Karen from HR, I would start biting.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      While I don’t have experience with this particular type of body work, my experience with intense, long, deep-tissue massage is that my body reacts like it had an intense workout. I need to take it easy for a couple of days and the benefits are more the following week “Hey, the side of my ribs has really opened up.”

      Also that different therapists produce different patterns of aching afterward–with a couple it wasn’t really worth it, whereas with my usual therapist (who has thumbs like pistons, and recently re-opened) it feels like doing something really good and helpful for myself.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      It… technically worked. It never did relieve my pain in any way, and often made it worse, but it did decrease the inflammation and improve my range of motion. However, I had equally effective results with myofascial massage, with the difference being that myofascial massage took perhaps three times as long to achieve those results and didn’t leave me with bruises that wouldn’t go away until I no longer had weekly sessions.

      Though I should note- as fposte says, you need a practitioner that will listen to you when you say you’re in pain and need to stop. The physical therapist that performed the fascia scraping on me said that that’s how I should know it was working and plowed ahead. I really did not like him.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, he listened. He was constantly checking in with me as he was doing it to make sure I’m ok. Actually, he checks in throughout the whole appointment when he’s doing various things. This is a new chiropractor and I really like him. Listens, explains everything, and likes to talk in general.

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      On my foot, which was weirdly ticklish and somewhat uncomfortable. If I were you I would also see a Myofascial Release therapist, one trained in the Barnes Method.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yeah, I couldn’t decide between a massage therapist and a chiropractor. I’ve had success with chiropractic before, throughout my whole life, so I thought I’d start there. I’m thinking I might need both, though.

    5. FashionablyEvil*

      If you want to try something less intense, definitely recommend the Yoga Tune Up balls and the Roll Model books/videos. It’s basically self massage, but you use these somewhat squishy balls about the size of tennis balls to access places you can’t really get to with yoga or stretching. Also, Kelly Starret’s mobility workouts are also helpful.

    6. JSPA*

      No, but rolfing and other fascia-focused techniques sometimes have helped. Other times, only whole body, low level exercise that puts me into unusual orientations (hand buffing a floor, river swimming with a current and float, aggressive posture on a bicycle) have given me a sudden release. As little as a 1/8 inch leg length disparity (or walking on roads, which set your feet at different heights and a constant angle) can trigger; if you have not had your leg length carefully assessed, you might want to check, or try a cheap trimmable inner sole as a boost on one and then the other side, to see if one is decidedly helpful, and the other harmful.

    7. Retired Prof*

      Have you seen a physical medicine doc? I have one guy for my neck and another for my back. I have a collagen disorder, so I avoid chiropractors, who can do a lot of damage to folks like me. But my physiatrists work with an excellent PT, and they also can diagnose when your issue is an impinged nerve causing muscle spasms.

    8. Texan In Exile*

      Echoing those who suggest seeing an MD as well. My uncle thought he had pulled a muscle working in the yard and kept returning to his chiropractor.

      He finally went to his physician, who ordered some bloodwork that he apparently, rushed to the lab. My uncle and aunt weren’t even home yet when the doc called and told them to drive immediately to the major hospital an hour away, where the doc had already made an appointment for them with an oncologist. Turned out my uncle had multiple myeloma.

      Please see an MD just to rule out anything serious.

    9. SofiaDeo*

      IMO the most skilled people doing fascia manipulation are Master Rolfers. You need a Master, not an early-in-their-career plain Rolfer, an experienced one who got more training to become a Master Rolfer.

  36. fposte*

    Thanks to Aphrodite for her suggestion a few weeks ago of rubber dishwashing gloves to corral cat hair! I don’t currently have a cat but was on a medication that caused me to shed my hair like an overheated Labrador, and it was drawn to my wool socks like a magnet. A rubber glove (mine has a corrugated surface that’s particularly useful) turns out to be very helpful for human hair as well.

    1. Kathenus*

      I have one of the pet grooming mitts – that my cat hates. But I learned that it is phenomenal for cleaning the cat fur off of my cat trees and things with thicker surfaces like that.

    2. Aphrodite*

      You are most welcome! It’s fun to find out something you have around the house anyway works well and you don’t have to spend money on something else.

  37. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week.

    I love seeing responses to this thread.

    Please share your joys.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      My daughter is recovering from covid* and it looks like she will be able to come home for the week before Xmas. (She lives overseas.)

      *Fully vaxxed, cautious, young and healthy and living where masks in shared indoor spaces are a given. BUT it was like a bad cold. Same for two other relatives at the start of December, also fully vaxxed, one of them the poster child for pre-existing exacerbating conditions–they all had symptoms of a bad cold that kept them in bed a few days. It’s stressful, it’s frustrating, but it’s NOT hospitalization or death or anything all three hadn’t dealt with in the normal course of being people who occasionally catch bad colds.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      My cancer screening was negative.

      I… realize these seem like dark Little Joys? It’s been a tough year. I had a few things tie into particular anxiety about this screening, so this feels like a “Now I can move forward.”

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          Oh FSM does this resonate. Leaning into the little joys!

          My husband and I are going to get a Christmas tree this weekend (when it’s not pouring, as it is now) since last year we waited for kids to be home and then the nation had run out of Christmas trees, along with horseradish.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      I saw 2 red tailed hawks circling above the house while putting up Christmas lights.
      Um, I was putting up the lights, not the hawks!

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      My 6yo learned how to make paper chains and took it upon herself to teach the 3yo. They’re covering the tree with garlands and it’s so sweet to see them working together.

    5. fposte*

      I did not know that winter light shows at botanical gardens were a thing, and now I’m kind of obsessed. I saw one this week that was absolutely gorgeous, and I’m toying with hitting up one more before the season is over, if I can get tickets. It really is delightfully otherworldly in a child-friendly kind of way, like wandering through the landscape from the opening credits of Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

    6. the cat's ass*

      This is always a lovely thread, thank you!
      A good friend from HS created a pastel portrait of DH and cat and DH is getting that for Christmas. It came out beautifully-she is very talented.
      We got our tree yesterday and will be decorating this weekend
      We are having out last Girl Scout meeting of the year and are socially distancing while decorating gingerbread houses!

    7. Girasol*

      A lovely first snow and a fragrant Christmas tree. And of course, guild night, when our group of gamer friends from several states gets together in voice chat and runs around together in virtual space. We did a little battle but mostly we decorated our guild hall and had a snowball fight while discussing the wonders of eggnog both in the game and in the real world.

    9. Might Be Spam*

      My son just informed me that he has bought plane tickets and is coming for Christmas! It’s been two years since I’ve seen him in person due to Covid.

      Normally, he comes for Christmas and I visit him in spring. I hope everything works out so I can visit him in spring this year. He moved 10 hours closer last January. Now it’s only a 15 hour drive, so I can avoid flying.

    10. Lifelong student*

      I had four whole days to myself. No faux news- actually no TV at all- didn’t eat for four days- didn’t have to pretend anything. No one lectured me or talked to me like I was a child. Read books.

    11. FACS*

      It has been a good week! We have the tree with lights on, just waiting for the kids to come next Friday to decorate. My 88 year old father made his ridiculously delicious farm biscuits (3 inches wide and 3 inches high) and we went for brunch with them. We cook most of the time but it was such a treat. Old dog had a joyous attack of the zoomies and a friend recommended a great book. A couple of patients told me hilarious stories about their lives and it reminds me that there is much joy in the world. And I finished knitting a few winter hats! Falling Diphthong, great joy to you with your good news.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Thank you!

        I am really excited to see my daughter. This visit is even not because I am having any surgery.

    12. RagingADHD*

      With cases low locally (Zero cases in her school for over a month) and all my kids’ friends vaxxed, we had an honest to god normal sleepover party for her birthday.

      Much junkfood, much giggling. I got my house tidier than it has been in 20 months (wrecked now of course, but OK). And we got to meet some of her school friends that we hadn’t ever met last year, only heard about.

      Wonderful.

          1. Not a cat*

            Their orange/chocolate bar is one of my favorite treats. I think they use orange peel rather than that weird gel. Anyway, I’ve tried many, many chocolate/orange bars and Lindor is the best!

    14. Clisby*

      I’ve already bought our Christmas tree (learned my lesson last year, when I thought I might have to break down and get an artificial tree), and both of our kids will be home from college today.

    15. Laura Petrie*

      Fab new tattoo

      Beer advent calendar has been great so far

      I also dug my teapot out of the back of the cupboard so I’ve been having lovely loose leaf tea

    17. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Whole Foods Hot Chocolate Caramel Corn mix (365 Brand). I am seriously thinking about going back tomorrow to clean out the store.

    19. WoodswomanWrites*

      I created a new blog post about my Thanksgiving birding trip, and it was fun to see that my photos of raptors came out so well to go with it. (A few folks expressed interest in my photos. My blog is the same as my user name.)

      1. Rrrrach*

        Thanks so much for sharing your blog details, I’ve been really enjoying looking at the photos of birds along with your narrative of your recent trip. Spellbinding.

    20. Voluptuousfire*

      Broke out in hives last week randomly, not sure from what. After a few days, it seemed like they would appear in one area and then disappear. Went to the dermatologist and she suggested taking two Zyrtec a day in addition to the Claritin I take and the hives completely stopped. Not had anything since Wednesday and I’m over the moon it worked. She also suggested I take Zantac or Pepcid along with the antihistamine since those meds can help get rid of hives quickly. Her theory was I caught

      I’m just so delighted it worked and that it was so simple.

    21. Frankie Bergstein*

      Cooking! A Tahdig, some banana walnut muffins, and soy sauce eggs. Varying results but so joyful to create.

    22. Chicanery*

      I’ve had three weeks of concerning lab work but Friday morning my OB called to tell me she’d reviewed my latest ultrasound and everything is health and normal! I’m 13 weeks and I think this little sprog might just make it.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        That’s wonderful, and I am so happy for you.

        My niece got married in June. It was like “Yes, a positive sign of life moving forward! A happy thing!” We need all of that we can get.

    23. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

      Having a fully stocked black wardrobe! I’ve wanted to fo it for YEARS, but was always too worried what People Would Say. Now, though? Screw ’em, I’m doing it.

      Also, having several pairs of combat boots to play with is excellent.

      I love it here. :D

    24. Lady Danbury*

      -Hung out with friends twice this week, some of whom I hadn’t seen in months. Cases are low here and we’re all fully vaxxed (some triple vaxxed), so I’m finally getting back to covid normal (ie still cautious but comfortable socializing outside of my household bubble).
      -Made nduja shakshuka, yogurt flatbread and apple cider bourbon cocktails for a brunch date with the bf. I made the flatbread ahead of time so there wasn’t too much prep/dishes for a delicious, (relatively) healthy brunch instead of our usual struggle to figure out what we’re eating on weekend mornings. I’ll definitely be doing this more often!

  38. Dark Macadamia*

    The “celebrity friends” letter reprinted this week made me think of a topic I find entertaining, which is mundane celebrity encounters. Ones that weren’t a planned event like a convention or book signing and really aren’t that impressive to talk about, but still fun trivia. What are your mild brushes with fame/degrees of separation?

    I saw Toby from The Office at an airport once, and Conan O’Brien walking down the street. I was in a book club with someone who’d been a child extra in Big Fish (I have yet to recognize her on screen, but she met Ewan McGregor).

    My best story is someone pretty dubiously famous at this point, Blake Lewis the 2007 runner-up from American Idol. In middle school, I went to his a capella band’s free concert in the park for a friend’s birthday and we brought them all cake after the show and felt VERY cool lol.

    1. Kathenus*

      I ended up in an elevator with John Oates of Hall and Oates fame – had a brief conversation about an early concert of theirs I had attended at Blossom Music Center in NE Ohio.

      1. Not a cat*

        I’m from Philadelphia and (in the mid-80s) my boyfriend’s band had rehearsal space in the same building as Hall and Oates. I (and other band members) had some unpleasant run-ins with Daryl, he’s the more starry of the two. I still think he is amazingly talented but not always very nice. Like many of us ;)

    2. Venus*

      Over 20 years ago I stood right next to Dan Aykroyd at a rally for a few minutes. I also briefly chatted with Brad Pitt in the New Orleans lower 9th ward after the hurricane. I prefer Dan Aykroyd’s work, but give full credit to Brad Pitt for his efforts to rebuild the area.

    3. fposte*

      I was on a train with Philip Glass once years ago when I was in college. Definitely made a fool of myself.

      I also remember Robyn Douglass, just when she was bursting onto the acting scene and it looked like she was going to make it really big (she didn’t, but she got some decent work , appearing in my suburban vet’s office. And she was very much the hometown girl who was starting to make it big and couldn’t keep it to herself. It was slightly obnoxious (I remember her telling the receptionist that she was in town to do a special with Ben Vereen, which I don’t think was super-relevant to her pet’s care), but I also look back on it from year’s later with some indulgence–that must have been a super-exciting time for her and it’s hard to keep that to oneself.

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I shared an elevator with Iron Chef Morimoto once, when I was visiting a friend who lived in the same apartment building.

    5. Atheist Nun*

      Twenty+ years ago I shared an elevator with Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. I had decided to treat myself for my birthday and stay at the Four Seasons Las Vegas. It was my first and last time at such a nice hotel, while for them it was probably par for the course. I was way too starstruck to talk to them, so I spent the few minutes of our elevator ride admiring their over the top style. I guess some celebrities wander among us in sweats, unwashed hair, and no makeup, but not these two: they had all the trappings of rock stardom like leather, leopard print pants, high heels, and big hair. I was delighted and still recall this moment fondly.

    6. CTT*

      Angelina Jolie held the door open for me leaving Pret a Manger in London.

      Also, I totally stalked the Big Fish set because I have family in Montgomery and was there while filming, and a giant crush on Ewan McGregor. Sadly, I did not see him (although probably for the best, because 14 year old me would have died of joy)

    7. Max Kitty*

      My husband was coming down the elevator in a hotel in Barcelona and when the doors opened at the lobby, there was Jon Bon Jovi!

      Also, we were walking past our local science museum and looking at a car pulled up to a back door (it’s a sidewalk in a park, so unusual to have a car there), when out stepped Bill Gates. I guess he was there for an event.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      This is stolen from Bored Panda but it utterly charmed me.

      Family is at the zoo, where Six has determined every card in the reptile house must be read to him. Mom is distracted by toddler so Six asks the nearest adult; Mom returns from recapturing toddler to find Scarlett Johannson happily reading reptile facts to six.

      This question makes me realize that as someone who is close to face blind, I am never going to notice if this happens to me. Maybe it constantly occurs and my life just drips with celebrity encounters and I never notice.

      2. JustForThis*

        Thank you both for the lovely borrowed story and for your comment in the last para: this is exactly what I was thinking when reading these stories. I doubt I’d recognise Bill Gates or Angelina Jolie if we shared a table in a coffee shop. I’ve walked past people in the street with whom I’ve shared living accommodations.

      4. marvin the paranoid android*

        I’ve walked past a few celebrities on the street and only know about it because the person with me recognized them (George Takei was a highlight!). I’ve probably walked past a lot more and had no idea. I’m pretty bad with faces if I don’t have the context for them.

    9. Llellayena*

      Joe Piscopo came to my grandmother’s funeral. To be fair, he was good friends with my uncle and I had seen him at the occasional party as well.

    10. Lizy*

      In my younger years, I served beer to Brad Pitt’s brother without realizing it. It was a golf tournament, and I was the beer-cart girl. In the clubhouse after, I walked past him and was like “whoa. That guy looks a LOT like Brad Pitt!” And realized who it was. He’s actually more of a “celebrity” than Brad is in their hometown. I’ve never seen Brad there, but I’ve heard lots of people will see him (and Jen and Angelina, when he was with them) downtown or around, and no one bugs them.

      I do know where his house is, and we’ve heard his kids playing when we were near it. My husband served with one of his security guys and ended up meeting him. Brad offered him a drink and was nice as could be. It was a good couple of years before my husband told me where the house was…

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Ehhhhhhhh, except for the lack of decent jobs and romantic prospects. If I’d met someone good, I might have stayed, but the entire time I lived there, I never dated anyone from there. And it wasn’t for lack of trying. I do miss certain people and I miss the pasty shop and my sangha, and our coffeehouse, and I miss the Alamo Drafthouse. But it was time to move on. I just wish I could get out of here. This is not far enough. I need to start over far far away!

            I never saw Brad either, not with anyone or by himself. Unless he walked right by me and I didn’t notice.

            1. Lizy*

              Yeah I was already married and fortunately didn’t have issues with jobs, but it was early in my career so maybe I had more options because of that?

              And I never saw Brad either ha!

    11. Chaordic One*

      Houseplant question. I’m seeing these really pretty Norfolk Island Pine plants in a lot of the stores and am thinking about buying one. They do sort of look like Christmas trees, but also very fern-like. Anything I should know about them? Are they easy to take care of? Do they need a lot of water?

      Also, what’s the deal with poinsettias? My mother loves them so I always buy one for her for Christmas, and then in January the blossoms fall off and by April or May the plant dies. It would be nice to keep one alive and even nicer to have it blossom at least once before it dies.

      2. Clisby*

        Our poinsettia from last Christmas is still healthy. We just put it in a sunny window – no blossoms, and the leaves are all dark green, but it’s going strong.

      3. Florida Woman*

        Whether these plants work for you depends a lot on where you are located. Here in Florida, Norfolk Island pines used to be commonly used in landscaping, and it’s usually a huge mistake. In our subtropical climate they easily reach 100 feet in height can take over an entire (small) yard. But if you are planning to keep it in a container then you should be able to restrain the growth.

        Poinsettias can also be kept alive as houseplants or (in South Florida) in the ground. But getting them to turn red again is tricky — it requires that the plant receive 12 hours of total darkness at night to prompt the color change. So they will not turn red if they are receiving artificial light in winter, either because they are a houseplant or because they are under an exterior light. Professional growers use the equivalent of blackout curtains in their greenhouses. In your house, you’d need to put the plant in a closet overnight for a while (a few weeks?) to stimulate the color change. Personally I think it’s easier to just buy a new one.

    12. Double A*

      I saw Conan O’Brien on a ferry in Seattle once! I think his family lives up there. I was on kind of a weird date with someone I met on live journal (to set the time frame) and we saw him and were like, “Ha, that guys really looks like Conan O’Brien. Wait….this IS Conan O’Brien!”

      Another time, I was visiting New York had a friend performing in a Broadway show. I was going to meet her after the show, and apparently Sting had been at the show and was visiting with the cast backstage afterwards. I was waiting for her to come out, and Sting came out first and walked right by me.

      I also saw Aziz Ansari out at a club in Brooklyn on that trip.

    14. Not A Manager*

      I was in a coffee shop in New York probably about 10 years ago, and Glen Close was sitting at the table next to me with two young people who were obviously personal assistants, talking about packing her wardrobe for a trip. She was clearly being very low-key, with no makeup and a baseball style cap on, and no one in the coffee shop pestered her.

      When I was in my early teens, I worked one summer at a tennis club that hosted a big tournament every year, and I cleared Jimmy Connor’s table while he was sitting at it. He said something very mundane to me which I no longer remember.

      1. Not a cat*

        I’ve lived in NYC and now live in LA, so depending on where I am, celebs can be pretty thick on the ground. I share a hairstylist w/ Chris Martin (when Coldplay tours they take my guy with them), Kelly Clarkson, Priscilla Presley, and Brody Dare, so I’ve seen them in the chair at odd times. I used to pass Halley Barry all the time on Abbott Kinney (shopping street in Venice). I shared a fitting room with Candace Bergen in Ralph Lauren on Rodeo at the height of her Murphy Brown fame. She was so lovely and normal.

        1. Squirrel Nutkin*

          New York!!!! When members of my band would go out to diners after rehearsals (circa 10:30PM) we kept running into the comedian Jackie Mason. This happened at least three times in three different diners on both the upper west side and the upper east side. I guess the guy likes to eat late. Maybe he’s thinking, holy moley, it’s those folks from the band AGAIN too.

          1. Squirrel Nutkin*

            Oh, and my aunt and I were at a Broadway show, and Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea Clinton were right behind us! Hillary smiled a mega-watt smile and I squeed!

        2. pancakes*

          You’ve reminded me I took Bjork’s dressing room after she came out (we were both shopping for Daryl K jeans), and used to share a hairstylist with Sean Lennon.

    15. Elle Woods*

      I was in line at the Gap with James Taylor and his oldest son Ben. I had no idea it was him. He asked if I was familiar with the area and asked for lunch recommendations (he was on tour). Happy to report that he was incredibly nice. I also bumped into Lyle Lovett at the airport once; he was also incredibly nice–and, as superficial as it is to say this–much better-looking in person than he is in pictures.

      1. Just Me*

        Passed Willie Nelson by Southwest Airlines gate area at the airport, chatted with Lyle Lovett in a brunch omelet line at a hotel, and sat near Christian Slater at Matt’s El Rancho.

    16. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I tripped and smacked right into Rod Stewart in Vegas a couple years ago and his (manager? bodyguard?) gave me massive stinkeye. Later that weekend he was actually seated at the next table (behind me, my friend was facing him) when we went to brunch at Mon Ami Gabi.

    17. Laura Petrie*

      On holiday in Chicago almost 10 years ago, Russell Brand queue jumped and was in my lift to the top of the Willis Tower. He had on filthy clothes and did not smell great.

      My favourite encounter was talking loudly about how awful the band Elbow were when one of their songs was played on the jukebox of a bar near my office. Turned around and there they were having drinks.

    18. EvilQueenRegina*

      I walked past Prince William in the street without even realising until my ex’s friend screeched it in my ear. (He was in the year below me at St Andrews).

    19. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I once saw Jim True Frost, aka Prez(belewski) from The Wire in the Harvard Square T Station. I recognized him but initially thought it was someone I had worked with at Harvard. Then I realized who it was, and he must have noticed me realizing it was him because he smiled and nodded his head at me. (I think I read that his wife was a visiting lecturer at Harvard Law School at the time.)

    20. Malarkey01*

      I was stuck in an elevator for 2 hours with Tiki Barber and a member of the Giants coaching staff. It was a hotel in Seattle and I was bringing McDonalds back to my room. We all split the fries I had.

      I also met Wolf Blitzer in a hotel lobby in DC by bumping into him and I…bowed to him and said oh wow you’re Wolf Blitzer and then the guy he was talking to turned around and it was Anderson Cooper….and I…curtsied (I am American)…and he started giggling and I said this had to be the lamest I have ever acted, and Wolf Blitzer said “I doubt it” and walked away which made Anderson Cooper laugh again and he and I actually had a 10 minute conversation.

    21. FACS*

      I was in line for food at an airport and ended up in line behind Christopher Jackson, the original Washington in Hamilton. He turned and I said “Mr President, it is good to see you”. He was so gracious and lovely! Just a class act.

    22. Zona the Great*

      I cooked for a private event hosted by Julia Roberts in NM. Attended by George Clooney right before he married his wife. He was dating her in private then. He came back to meet the chef and ask about the rack of elk he ate at dinner (chef shot and butchered it that day) which he was really impressed by. Then the next day I was asked to drive him to the airport. He asked all about my life and I pretended not to know him. I was acting super cool and unbothered and uninterested in his celebrity. When he got out of the car he handed me a $100 bill (for a 15 minute drive) and I said, “thanks. Looking forward to Monuments Men” in the most dry tone and he looked at me surprised and sort of stammered out a, “oh! Thanks!”

    23. CJM*

      This one isn’t as mundane as my others. Author James Michener was signing books at a local mall when I was in high school, and I chatted with him for a few minutes and wrote an article about it for the school newspaper. I was a big fan of his books, and so was my friend Jayne, who went with me to take photographs. We were giddy and starstruck. He couldn’t have been kinder or more encouraging. I have a photo of us somewhere.

      My daughter spotted Mike Myers walking toward us on a sidewalk in New York City. I missed that part but saw him clearly when I turned around. He faced us and paused, as if on cue, as he prepared to cross the street.

      I’ve seen Jeff Daniels a few times in the town where he lives. Once he ate at a restaurant bar as I ate at a table, and more recently he stood chatting with a group of guys at a chicken broil I visited.

    24. Buni*

      I held the door for Meera Syal at our local stationers. I only learned we lived in the same town from that.

    25. Paralegal Part Deux*

      Not me but my mom. We live on a major interstate connection in the state where I live, and there’s a grocery store right on the interstate. My mom was in the grocery store, had noticed a tour bus in the parking lot but hadn’t thought much of it, and said as she was coming around the chips aisle she almost walked smack into Don Williams, the country singer. She said she about passed out once she realized who it was, and he just smiled at her, tipped his hat, and kept on towards the checkout with the cigarettes.

    26. Elizabeth West*

      This was the most random thing ever. Long, long ago when I lived in Santa Cruz, I was washing dishes in the back of the cafe where I worked, when my boss came in and whispered, “There’s a man waiting for a to-go order at the coffee station I think is Ronny Cox [actor from Deliverance, Total Recall, and RoboCop]. Jerry says it isn’t him. You’re good at this; you go see.”

      I thought they were full of crap, but I needed to see how many coffee cups were out there anyway so I obliged and went to the coffee station. Ronny Cox is pretty distinctive; even though he wore a cap and a beard, I recognized him instantly. I checked the cups, smiled at him, and said “Hi!” He cheerfully said “Hi!” Then I calmly walked back around the counter past the sandwich station where my boss was making an order and whispered to her, “Yes, it’s him.”

      Then I went into the back and silently did a little freakout dance right in front of the guy who’d just arrived to change out the dishwasher chemicals. He looked at me like I’d lost my mind, haha. I have no clue what Cox was doing in SC—I didn’t see him there again before I *stupidly* moved away.

    27. Decidedly Me*

      I ran into Ryan Stiles at the grocery store and said hello :)

      I also stumbled upon the filming for Jumanji 2 – there were a bunch of signs while we were driving in Hawaii that seemed odd to me. I looked up the name on them and it was for the code name for the film. We followed them and ended up seeing Jack Black and hearing some yelling from a scene in progress.

    28. Stuff*

      My mom and I had a very late lunch once in a restaurant in a suburb of a big city. Even though the place was 99% empty, they seated us next to the only other occupied table in the place. We were barely three feet away. My mom kept slewing her eyes towards the other table, trying to get me to look, but there was no way for me to do so without being really obvious. It was not til the waitress brought them their bill and said to one of the women, “Has anyone ever told you you look like Michelle Pfeiffer?” that I realized who I was sitting next to. This was about 15 or 20 years ago when she was incandescently beautiful, and she was even more amazing looking in person. I couldn’t figure out what she would be doing in that town but when I looked her up I found she had family there.

    29. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I rode in an airplane from NC to Chicago with Michael Jordan. It was just before or after he started with the Bulls, so he wasn’t that well-known world-wide but was a big deal in NC!

    30. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’ve been drinking in the same pub as British comedians Hugh Dennis and Alan Davies (different times and different cities). I didn’t say anything to either of them.

    31. Lifelong student*

      Literally bumped into Kenny Rogers at a local hotel restaurant. Did not even know it was him until the person I was having a meeting with told me!

      1. Anonymous*

        Kenny Rogers filmed a couple of movies in my hometown. I never met him, but several people I know interacted with him about as much as they cared to. He was an egotistical blowhard.

    32. banoffee pie*

      Let’s think…I met Michael Moore once and he signed my book and shook hands with me, but also with all the other hundreds of people there lol

      Tony Robinson (Baldrick from Blackadder) came to my town to film Time Team. It’s a British archeology TV show where they dig things up and recreate how your town used to look. We climbed the hill above the site and looked down to see him wandering around and filming.

      I don’t think this is the type of thing the person who wanted to meet celebrities had in mind hehe…

      1. Not a cat*

        Ok, I am jealous :) When I was stuck at home recovering from heart issues Time Team was one of the only shows I could muster up any interest in. I think I watched all 10 years worth.

    33. Lore*

      Walking down the street in SoHo once, I had a sneezing fit and the passing stranger who said “Bless you” wasLaurence Fishburne.

    34. Cj*

      About 12 years ago or so my husband (a musician) was hanging out at a local music store. A guy walked in that looked like Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top. Since it was Halloween weekend, the first assumption was, oh, there’s a guy dressed like Billy Gibbons. Then he realized ZZ Top was playing in town that weekend and it was actually Billy Gibbons. He was there for a couple of hours, and played a guitar for while. My husband bought the guitar and got him to sign it.

      Everybody hanging out in the store at that time got two free tickets to the concert. Not front row, but pretty decent seats. The concert was awesome. So sad that Dusty Hill is gone now.

      1. Cj*

        My husband also got to meet Brad Paisley because he won a ” meet and greet” that I had brought tickets to for his 50th birthday. Before the concert we stood across the road from that bus with my husband holding this pink Paisley guitar like Brad plays. One of the band guys came over and asked if he wanted the guitar signed. Of course that was the whole point and my husband said yes.

        He brought the guitar back and asked my husband who set it up because Brad said it played awesome. My husband had done it himself, so he was pretty pleased.

        He also got to meet Merle Haggard in Nashville in the 70s because he knew a tour guide there that took him backstage.

        I guess I have to live vicariously through him, because this always happens to him not me. Although Kenny Rogers did play in my uncle’s band in Texas before he made it big. Unfortunately by the time Kenny Rogers was a big deal my uncle had died so I never got use that connection.

    35. Retired Prof*

      Joe Namath made fun of my sister’s parking when she was just learning as a 17 year old.

      More disturbingly, a close friend from high school became one of George W. Bush’s finance guys and sat on the Federal Reserve. He was later fired for saying the Iraq War would cost too much. It’s really unnerving to know some guy you went to high school with is one of those people running the country.

      1. fposte*

        There’s a Calvin Trillin column about this–that the sadness of aging is that people you know are being put in charge of things. (“Not Blinko! He’s a mushhead!”

    36. WoodswomanWrites*

      South African singer and anti-apartheid activist Miriam Makeba was a friend of my elementary school teacher and she visited my school in Michigan. A photographer from the local newspaper took my picture with her. I didn’t understand much then about who she was. I shave a print of the original photo that the photographer gave to my mom, a treasured item now.

      I was watching a play in London and saw John Malkovich in the audience sitting nearby.

    37. Ali G*

      Paul Sorvino came up to me in a hotel lobby when I was finishing lunch with my boss and some other people at a meeting I was attending later that day. This was one of my first every work trips at my first real job out of grad school. He asked me why, as such a pretty young lady, I was surrounded by a bunch of old men. I…didn’t know what to say! Those “old men” were my new boss and a bunch of people I just met! It was weird and awkward, and even more so when most of them didn’t recognize him.

    38. The teapots are on fire*

      I saw Richard Simmons years ago at the Canal Place mall, walking with his mother, talking softly to her and patting her hand. I didn’t try to talk to him because he was just hanging out with his mama and I thought it would be rude.

    39. pancakes*

      I used to edit demo reels for actors, dancers, etc., along with video art for installations, so I’ve met quite a few performers and artists over the years. The most mundane encounter was the time my mother nearly hit Forest Whitaker as he was stepping out of trailer directly into traffic on a narrow Boston side street.

    41. Mimmy*

      These are just random sightings, not true encounters but still cool nonetheless:

      -We once saw Scotty Pippin (NBA player, Chicago Bulls) at EPCOT; my husband also ran into him when he lived in Chicago.

      -While waiting outside a restaurant in Boston with my family, we saw Rob Gronkowski (NFL player, New Patriots). We saw him again in the crowd at a bull rider event at Madison Square Garden.

      -We think we saw Diane Sawyer on the street in NYC but not positive.

      -We think we saw Jeremy Irons in Aruba while on our honeymoon; again, not positive

    42. Chief Petty Officer Tabby*

      I met Robert Jordan, a local news anchor for WGN, (ch. 9 in Chicago) on the way to help a client give her car meds. I was startled as heck, but he handled it well, thank goodness. He looked exactly the same as he had on tv, right down yo the brilliant yellow suit. It was HILARIOUS in hindsught to be in this really boogie building elevator with a reporter I’d watched on TV for years.

    43. marvin the paranoid android*

      From working in publishing, I’ve had the opportunity to have extremely dry and boring email conversations with a range of public figures. I’ll tell you that writing a really tedious logistical email doesn’t get that much more thrilling if a celebrity is on the other end. It was kind of interesting to see who had the biggest egos–celebrity chefs were particularly difficult as a group, whereas royalty were surprisingly accommodating.

    44. Lifelong student*

      We arrived at an airport- I think LA- and went to wait for the shuttle. A very tall man sat next to us on a bench-so tall he had a hard time sitting down on the bench. Others standing and waiting for the shuttle looked at him several times- then finally came over to talk to him. It was Bill Russel. He really was TALL!

      1. Sleepless*

        My husband and I were in line to check into a hotel once, and I was vaguely aware that the couple in front of us included a very, VERY tall man. Husband told me later that it was James Worthy.

    45. Sleepless*

      I had several professional dealings with Jeff Foxworthy over a few years. He is a nice, regular person who is not one bit different from his stage persona. I detested most of the clients I met at that job, but I genuinely miss him.

    46. Purple Cat*

      We met Tim Wakefield at an airport, in the off season and NOT in Boston so nobody knew who he was.
      My son (3ish at the time) wasn’t eating his lunch so Tim made a grand gesture of taking his fries to get him to eat, and it totally backfired. Son did.not.care :)

    47. Free Meerkats*

      A couple, both related to California theme parks.

      We were at Disneyland and ran into Tiny Tim and Miss Vicki on Main Street a couple of days after they were married on the Johnny Carson Show. So, December, 1969?

      Rode the funicular at Magic Mountain with Richard Dawson in probably March of ’82. The thing I remember most is that he was a Very Happy and Congenial drunk. Like just short of staggering drunk.

  39. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

    My sister sent me a Christmas present and told me I needed to open it right away because it’s alive…lol…while it was fun to briefly imagine she sent a snake I knew immediately I was getting a new plant! I just received THREE large air plants. They’re each the size of a soup bowl. I’ve never had air plants so I’m very excited but my problem is space. I’m already a crazy plant lady so all my bright sunny windows are occupied. I’m going to need a holder of some kind too…I have 28 succulents but I’m used to plants being in pots. Anyone with insight on good holders or experience taking care of these…they’re tillandsia? How fussy are these plants…hate drafts, need misting?

    1. MissCoco*

      Sorry, no advice, but congratulations!!
      Large tillandsia are just beautiful! Are the upper echelons of your windows occupied? I do know plants are great candidates for being suspended in front of windows

      1. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

        A good thought, but I rent so i can’t really rig up something sturdy to hang from the ceiling; if these were tiny plants i could do something less sturdy like a Command hook but with the weight of a large plant and a holder/terrarium of some kind i worry it would pull right off and damage the surface…and the plant. I have not tried it before.

        1. Dancing Otter*

          I rent, too, and I have a plant pole. It’s like a tension curtain rod, only vertical. It’s great for light weight plants, but I don’t think the hooks would be sturdy enough for something big and heavy. Perfect for air plants, I would guess.

    2. pandq*

      I have 3 small air plants. They sit inside glass hanging planters in the window. I mist them rarely. The few I had sitting on the tv stand that did not get a lot of direct sun never do well and die.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I have a tillandsia hanging in my bathroom window. I don’t mist it because the instructions said to avoid getting the leaves wet. The bathroom gets pretty steamy, and once a week or so I dip the roots in water for 5-10 minutes and gently shake it off before putting it back in its basket.

      I’ve had it for years and it had babies once, but they didn’t make it. I probably broke them off too soon.

  40. Alex*

    Looking for recs on pizza pans to make pizza in the oven. I have one that has holes in it, but it creates a giant mess because the dough gets caught in the holes and gets everywhere. I’d love a crispy, thin crust, but I think a pizza stone is hard because you have to heat it up first.

    I’d also like to give one as a gift to someone, as well as get one for myself! Willing to spend a bit (but not like crazy bananas expensive), especially for the gift.

    1. Angstrom*

      I’ve used a pizza screen for years with no problems. I oil the dough side before use and make sure the dough is well floured on the bottom. Sticking has not been an issue.

      Stones work well if you’re organized enough to do a long preheat of the oven.

    2. BRR*

      It’s more about the technique than the pan. It’s best for it to go in something hot. I heat up a cast iron skillet in my oven on the highest it will go. Then I put the pan on the burner on high while I shape the dough. I also switch the oven to broiler. I Put the dough in the hot pan for three minutes while I add the toppings then finish the pizza under the broiler for 3-5 minutes.

      But since that ignored your actual question, a lodge cast iron pizza pan would fit what you want the most but it’s heavy and involves handling a super hot pan. In general I love USA pans. You could always heat an upside down cookie sheet in the oven then place the pizza pan on top

      1. BRR*

        The other option for crispy crust would be to start baking the pizza crust only, without any toppings on it. Then put the toppings on the par baked crust and finish in the oven.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        USA Pan is THE BEST. I’m making eggplant parm right now and I know the clean-up is going to be super easy.

        I make pizza in a sheet pan. Not the best way to do it, but it works in a pinch!

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      We have both a baking steel and a pizza stone and they work really well for both pizza and bread. I make the pizza on parchment paper and slide the parchment paper into the oven with the pizza on top. We also have a pizza peel, but i’ve also used a rimless cookie tray in a pinch.
      For sheet pan pizza, I use a regular sheet pan.

      1. newbie*

        Same! I keep a jar of medium grit cornmeal in the freezer for pizza making, both to help it not stick to the parchment paper (even if it does, it’s NBD and comes loose when it bakes) and because I like the texture.

    4. LNLN*

      I bake my pizza on an old aluminum baking sheet (the kind that burns the bottoms of cookies). I sprinkle cornmeal on the sheet before spreading out the dough. I bake it at 500 degrees Fahrenheit on the convection/fan setting for 10-11 minutes. I make an excellent pizza. Good luck!

    5. RagingADHD*

      Use parchment paper!

      I preheat the oven with the stone in while I prep everything, then stretch/ roll my crust on parchment and top it.

      Slide the whole thing on the stone for 5 mins, then the crust will be firm enough to lift the edge and slide the parchment out. Give it another 5 mins to crisp, and voila.

      That’s for thin crust. I can’t recall the timing for standard crust off the top of my head, because I don’t usually make it.

    6. JustForThis*

      I own a baking steel / pizza steel from Nordwik, a 6mm strong (thus: quite heavv) rectangular sheet of steel that fits into the oven. You need to preheat it, but not as long as a pizza stone. It is great for thin crust pizza — by far best pizza I’ve ever made. I thoroughly recommend it.

      (In case you haven’t tried it yet, overnight pizza dough with little yeast is worth it imho.)

      1. Ali G*

        One other thing to consider, is if you really like thin crispy pizza, make more skins than your dough recipe calls for. This is the best way I have found to get the texture I like. So if you recipe makes 1 skin, make two. If it makes 2, make 3.
        Also most ovens don’t get hot enough to get that instant lift to the dough, so I cook mine on a stone on the grill on high.

    8. pancakes*

      Don’t do what I did, which is buy an extraordinarily large pizza stone, without measuring, that doesn’t quite fit in the oven. (It now lives at my stepdad’s place, in his enormous 6-burner monster oven). If I ever buy another I’ll go with a baking steel. People who have them seem really happy with them. Also, I agree with everyone saying cast iron is great for pizza-making.

    9. Lady Danbury*

      We have a pizza steel* (I think from Williams Sonoma) and it’s great! Stick it in the oven while you preheat at the highest possible temperature (500-550), then assemble pizzas on parchment paper. I use a regular baking pan to transport the pizzas to the oven and slide the parchment paper directly onto the steel. 5-10 minutes later, you have a delicious, homemade pizza!

      Other pizza tips:
      -Precook watery toppings (onion, mushrooms, etc) to prevent soggy pizza. I like to caramelize my onions with a splash of balsamic vinegar at the end and saute mushrooms with rosemary and red wine.
      -Don’t overload the toppings. Too many toppings will prevent the crust from cooking evenly.
      -I prefer cheese then toppings (toppings = on top) but reasonable minds may differ.

      *The best pizza pans/stones/steels/etc will all require preheating. You want the surface to be as hot as possible when you place the pizza in the oven.

  41. Coconut sugar vs regular sugar*

    I’d like to bake cookies for someone who can’t eat gluten, nor rice. I’ve stumbled on paleo recipes which call for almond flour & coconut flour, which are fine. However these recipes also call for coconut sugar. Can I just replace regular sugar for coconut sugar?

      1. RagingADHD*

        Or demerara or “raw” sugar. Coconut sugar has a caramely taste, so if you use plain white sugar they will be bland.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Smitten Kitchen’s Salted Peanut Butter Cookies are excellent (I add chocolate chips), and one of those recipes that happens to be dairy and gluten free.

  42. Free Meerkats*

    The Formula One Championship comes down to tomorrow’s Abu Dhabi GP. I normally record them, but am going to get up at 0430 and watch this one live.

    Any other F1 fans here? How has “your” driver/team done this year?

    1. L. Ron Jeremy*

      My wife and I are big Lewis Hamilton fans and have been since he first joined F1.

      We’d like to see him win the championship again this year to set the record of eight world championships, but this may be tough with Max Verstappen on pole.

      Looking forward to tomorrow’s race! Not watching live; going to record it.

  43. Bday Girl*

    My birthday is coming up next week. My usual thing with my husband is to go out to a movie during the day while the kids are in school and then order in from the restaurant of my choice for dinner. Last year when I turned 40, we couldn’t even do the movie part because of the pandemic, and I was kind of exhausted in general so didn’t come up with an alternative.

    I’d really like to do something more this year, but it’s looking like going out to indoor public places isn’t going to be a great idea this year either (case numbers rises again in my city), and it’s too chilly to spend all that much time outside. I’m also kind of burned out from work so having trouble brainstorming. So I turn to you all! Any ideas of daytime activities that are a little special (something you’d only do once and a while), enjoyable, and low-stress that I could do on my own or with my husband, either at/from home or that would be low risk out of the house? How have you all been making birthdays and other celebrations special during the pandemic?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      This is very specific, but my mother-in-law had Lost in a Jigsaw, a puzzle of a maze where you assemble the squares, and then figure out how to put them together into a maze that visits each section once. It was very satisfying to complete on each visit. (We have cats, who don’t mix with jigsaws.) So some pleasant mild challenge where you can complete it within a few hours. (Escape room boxes have been mentioned, if that’s your jam. If a jigsaw, I’d look for an image you like and more like 300 pieces, not 1000.)

      Do you have any outdoor gardens, museums with sculpture grounds, historic parks, etc near you? (If you think not, it’s worth googling.) It can be nice to stroll through a lovely outdoor space maintained by someone else. I’m in Massachusetts, where The Trustees of Parks and Reservations is a good starting point. There are botanic gardens a few towns away in two directions.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      … my birthday is also next week, I am also turning 41, and my usual pre-pandemic birthday habit was also movies.

      I don’t have anything useful to suggest though, I’m sorry. We’re ordering in a big fancy dinner and I will probably pick a favorite movie to watch at home.

    3. Colette*

      What do you like to do that you don’t do?

      For example, order in popcorn from the movie theatre (if you can do that there) and watch a movie on the couch?
      Take a bubble bath?
      Order in lunch and spend the day reading a good book/baking/crafting/on your favourite hobby?
      Go on a walking tour of your town?

      What about indoor activities with very small numbers (e.g. get a massage)?

      My last couple of birthdays, I’ve played online games with friends (gartic phone, scribbling, and skyfall are fun) and ordered in food.

    4. CJM*

      My husband’s birthday is right before Christmas, so we’ve been thinking about this too.

      Last year on his birthday, our daughter invited us over for a drive-in movie. (Nobody was vaccinated yet, and we weren’t ready to mingle indoors.) Her boyfriend cast a movie onto the side of their house, and we sat separately in two cars and ate Chinese take-out that we picked up on the way over. We kept the windows cracked so we could chat during the movie. It was snowy, and the neighbor’s dog visited to say hi. It was different and fun, and I hope we’ll do it again on his birthday this year.

      Do any local restaurants offer outdoor, heated tents? I’ve met friends at three near me that do, and I was pleased with two of them (not the one that had puddles and was cold). One is a brewpub, and the other is an upscale restaurant. We’ll probably go to one of those two on my husband’s birthday if we don’t do the drive-in movie night again. Even though it’s wintry here, I was warm enough at both venues to enjoy my meal and relax.

    5. Maggie*

      If you see a movie that’s beeen out for a few weeks during the day on the weekday there will be so few people there. I’ve been going during the day on sundays and it’s sooo slow. Like us and one other person type of thing

      1. Sam I Am*

        I was coming here to say the same. I went to The French Dispatch at a 1 p.m. screening and it was 4 people in the theater including myself. And early, so that air had all of overnight to settle.

    6. Alexis Rosay*

      I might do a not-crowded museum (wearing an N95 mask if necessary) or a botanical garden (I’m okay doing short outdoor activities in crappy weather, but that’s just me).

      A handful of places around me offer outdoor, clothed back & neck massages, so you could pamper yourself with that if available.

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      What about having a movie marathon day at home where you watch one favorite movie from each decade of your life? Order your favorite take-out or have husband cook your favorite meal.
      Or maybe make it a whole day of your favorite things. I feel like doing one special/favorite activity might not feel special, but if you made a whole day of your favorite things, that could be celebratory?
      Or brainstorm a bunch of your favorite things and have your husband craft a day for you! I don’t know what your dynamic is with your spouse, but is it possible to have him take on some of the mental load of celebrating your big birthday?

    8. Voluptuousfire*

      Is there a drive through holiday lights display in your area? Granted that’s a nighttime thing but low risk if you’re in your car.

    9. Lady Danbury*

      I love brunch, so I would do an indulgent, boozy brunch. Depending on what you prefer, you could cook together, get takeout or have a private chef come cook for you (ideally masked/vaxxed). You could even book a cleaning service to clean up afterwards.

  44. Chaordic One*

    Let me try this one more time. Houseplant question. I’m seeing these really pretty Norfolk Island Pine plants in a lot of the stores and am thinking about buying one. They do sort of look like Christmas trees, but also very fern-like. Anything I should know about them? Are they easy to take care of? Do they need a lot of water?

    Also, what’s the deal with poinsettias? My mother loves them so I always buy one for her for Christmas, and then in January the blossoms fall off and by April or May the plant dies. It would be nice to keep one alive and even nicer to have it blossom at least once before it dies.

    1. twinkle toes*

      Not sure why the plant dies. I’ve had them live for years, but they should probably be repotted and decent soil put in. It’s harder to get the leaves to turn red again (the red isn’t really a flower), but requires careful light management. I’ve heard that putting them in a closet with a light for exactly 12 hours a day works, but I’ve never tried.

    3. Lizzie (with the deaf cat)*

      I bought a Norfolk Island pine from a church fete once, it was a little thing in a pot and was staked with an ice cream stick, just a small thing altogether. Kept it alive for several years. It grew a bit. Then my ex and I bought a house, and I planted the pine in the back garden to see what would happen. When we sold that house about 4 years later, the pine was about eight feet tall and its branches were longer than my arm. So it seized its moment! (Definitely not suited for suburban gardens. They can grow up to 200 feet in their natural habitat.)

    4. WS*

      I am really surprised to see these as an indoor plant! My city has hundreds of them and they’re huge! But they do grow very slowly.

    5. newbie*

      Norfolk Island Pines are actual trees and, given the correct siting and care will behave as such :-) I think they’re beautiful.
      Pointsettias can be planted in a sheltered location in your yard (up against your house in a sunny spot) as far north as mid Georgia and rebloom every year. They also get big, given half a chance. You absolutely can bloom them indoors up north, but it’s a bit of a project and you need a dark place to keep them for a while.
      If you’re some place reasonably warm, another pretty red flowering thing that you might like that requires almost no care once established is Cardinal’s Guard. It can get frozen back to the ground and will regrow and bloom the next year (considered hardy to 8B, but in my experience, it does fine well north of here).

  45. Anonygoose*

    Does anyone know where I could sell a golf memorabilia item? Preferably would want to sell in person somewhere and avoid ebay (bad luck in past). Would pawn shops work?

    2. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I’ve not tried this myself with golf items, but do you have any golf courses around you? If they have a regular golf club, golf shop or competitions, you might have better luck with posting your item for sale through them — if they have a board (online or IRL) for such items.

      A pawn shop might not even take it if they don’t think they can resell it, and as L. Ron Jeremy says, they won’t give you anywhere near the value.

      If it’s really a valuable item, you could try an auction; but it would have to be something spectacular to be worth it.

      1. Llellayena*

        Actually, auction houses are worth a look. They don’t just take the expensive stuff and memorabilia is an area they might take at lower values. Sometimes they’ll group it in with other things and auction it as a lot. If there’s an auction house in the vicinity of a well known golf area, that might be best.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’ve only bought from them and not sold but Everything But the House is an online estate sale site and also has memorabilia etc.

  46. Knitting Panda*

    Any knitters out there? What are you knitting right now? I’m finishing up a Xmas stocking for myself. I don’t have one and what better way to learn how to knit a sock than a worsted weight yarn and only have to make one!

    1. HamlindigoBlue*

      I just finished “Mum’s Neck Cozy.” It’s a pattern from Kraemer Yarns. Staci at Very Pink Knits did a video on it a week or two ago, and it looked like a cool scarf. It’s a shorter, textured scarf knit with bulky yarn that has a slot to tuck the other end of the scarf into. I knit it up with a bulky yarn from Hobbii that reminds me of autumn leaves. It was super fast, so I might make more of them as holiday gifts. This week, I finished a test knit sweater, and I am hoping to be done with my last test knit sweater before the weekend is up. I’m also still working on my peppermint throw (crochet). I highly doubt it will be done by the end of the month unless I start working on it constantly, and that is not likely to happen.

    2. small town*

      I’m finishing up a Christmas stocking for a child. We Kool Aid dyed the yarn. One giant sock is kinda nice! Couple of hats just finished, which is lovely.

    3. Knitting*

      I’m making a queen sized blanket for my fiancé as a wedding gift (wedding isn’t for about 5.5 months, so getting a head start). I’m about 40% done.

    4. Susie*

      Great idea about the Christmas stocking!

      My primary project is a baby blanket. I’m also rewriting a blanket pattern (for the third time) and going to start playing around with a pattern for a throw pillow. I bought the most beautiful yarn for the pillow and I can’t wait to start.

    5. Not Your Sweetheart*

      I’m a crocheter. Finals are next week. After that, I’ll be crocheting a vine with leaves. I’ve asked friends and family to make me flowers that I will then attach to the vine. It will be a pretty garland to replace the holiday greenery, and also a reminder of the people I love. So far, my mother sewed me a fabric rose, and my jewelry-making friend created a stunning metal flower.

    6. Retired Prof*

      I have been knitting a weather blanket for 2021. Each day gets a row. There’s two strands: one for the temperature and one for the day’s weather. I use the day’s high temp, from purple for 40’s (only a few rows of that here in California), through blue, green, yellow, orange, red, and pink for over 100 degrees (entirely too many rows of that this year). The other strand is a variegated yellow for sunny, metallic blue for rain, grey/white for clouds and fog. I had to buy a color for smoke from wildfires, but fortunately did not need too many rows of that this year (while our cabin was in the middle of a massive wildfire – and against the odds survived – the wind blew almost all the smoke away from our main house). Only a few more rows on the blanket to finish out the year!

    7. The teapots are on fire*

      I’m about to knit a pair of legwarmers for my fiance, who’s been going to dance class with me lately. Scottish Country really works your calves. Today I pick the yarn and tomorrow I put him on a plane to see his parents and start the knitting engines!

  47. twinkle toes*

    Redoing a raglan sweater. Made it last year, halfway through my daughter wanted it, so made it her size. She wore it twice and decided she didn’t like the mohair wool. (in a bright red/fuschia colour that I had been saving since the ’90’s). So, I undid the sides and am adding extensions on the sides. It’s going to be a bit weird, but you can’t really undo mohair, it’ll lose all its fuzz.

  48. Josephine Beth*

    My father’s wife died this week, and he’s absolutely devastated. My dad and I are pretty close, and although I wasn’t overly fond of his wife, I do feel terrible for him. She’s had aggressive cancer for 2 years, but he still seemed stunned by her death.
    My question is, does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle the holidays? We are usually big on Christmas here, but I obviously want to be sensitive to his grief. It’s tricky because my kids and I aren’t really grieving, in the sense that we didn’t have any kind of real relationship with this woman, but we are all genuinely heartbroken for my dad. Do we still give him gifts? If so, what kinds of things are appropriate? I do plan to ask him if he wants to join us for the day or would rather have some time alone, but he’s understandably not in a place to make decisions right now.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I would still give him gifts, and would ask what he wants to do for the day–wide range of desires possible there.

      This came up in the previous weekend thread, I think–what to do the first Christmas alone. One idea was to do everything differently, so “it feels different” didn’t keep biting you so hard because everything else was different, too. What he does this year doesn’t need to be the model for all future Christmases.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I would include him in your celebrations if that’s what you usually do. Provide a safe space for him to retreat to and let him know that you will be happy with however much he chooses to participate, or not participate. I think you can model for your kids “being kind to someone who’s sad” without insisting that they or you perform a sadness you don’t feel yourselves.

      He might bow out, which is fine, but I’d err on the side of gently encouraging him to come and maybe even sleep over at your place on Christmas Eve if you have room for him. He’ll have plenty of time alone at home on other days. I wouldn’t advise you to “gently encourage” just any bereaved friend, but you say that you and your dad are close, and he might benefit from being with family even if he can’t quite imagine it in advance. If he insists, of course, you’d respect his choices.

      Good gifts might involve some things that he was used to his wife doing. If she did more of the cooking, for example, you might provide him with some homemade or purchased freezer meals, or a fresh meal delivery once a week for a few weeks. You could also give him tickets to some event that he might enjoy safely attending sometime in the spring, and plan to accompany him.

    3. Pennyworth*

      If he isn’t up to spending Christmas Day with you could you take some time out to spend with him? It might mess with your normal Christmas routine, but you will probably worry if he is home alone.

    4. Bumblebeee*

      If you asked him directly, is he at an emotionally comfortable state to explain what he wants specifically? I ask because sometimes grief can cause us to be so emotionally drained that we can’t even articulate our needs. But if possible, I think it’s best to hear what he wants directly from him because everyone grieves differently and may want different forms of support.

      Otherwise, I suggest inviting him for your usual Xmas activities but make it clear it’s okay to bow out last minute or participate only partially if he’s not up to it. You can’t go wrong with checking in on him by sending him messages, food, etc just to show your love. I also think it’s okay to not participate in his grief if you’re not actually grieving the loss of his wife. It wasn’t a significant loss to you and it’s fine to just commiserate with his feelings and not act as if you’re also profoundly affected by the death.

      1. Josephine Beth*

        I was able to gently bring it up today, and he isn’t sure what he wants to do. As you suggested, I let him know he’s welcome to join us or to choose to bow out of some or all of the celebrations. For now I’m just following his lead on most things.

  49. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

    Any suggestions on where to donate a little money to help with the recovery from the tornado yesterday? It can be hard to find good info from overseas since a lot of US news pages won’t allow you to access them.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      The Red Cross is a good wide-spread charity who show up when there’s been a disaster.

      The site doesn’t mention Kentucky specifically, but I’ve been impressed by World Central Kitchen (Jose Andres) and their response to feeding people in need.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Actually Red Cross kinda sucks. They may be ok locally. World Central Kitchen is great, Mennonite Disaster Service, local food banks. I’m sure more will come put in the next few days.

      2. Bad at picking names*

        Seconding ThatGirl’s opinion of the Red Cross. My uncle has first hand experience with them as part of a FEMA team he’s on – he’s personally seen them respond terribly after the Haitian earthquake a decade ago, after Katrina, and other disasters.

        There’s been some good investigative reporting about them too.

        Seconding the other suggestions.

      1. Reba*

        I contributed to this one as well as World Central Kitchen (there since yesterday) and the statewide network of food banks, Feeding Kentucky.

      2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I finally found this one on my own! Don’t know why I couldn’t find anything yesterday but I sent a bit of money in this afternoon.

    3. Lizy*

      Convoy of hope is a somewhat local-to-the-area (Springfield, MO) organization that does a lot of disaster relief. They’re faith-based, if that matters, but they do a lot of good. Most of their donations are used directly for the mission (90+%). I’m really iffy about donating to some places like the Red Cross because so much of the donations end up going to administration instead of actually helping the people that need it.

    4. PostalMixup*

      A fair number of church denominations have disaster assistance funds. I have a friend who works at Lutheran Disaster Response, and I’m also familiar with Presbyterian Disaster Assistance and Catholic Charities. These three, at least, truly focus on disaster relief, and don’t use a disaster as an opportunity for evangelism. United Way is a huge charity organization, and probably had a disaster relief arm.

  50. Dainty Lady*

    I can’t decide if I genuinely dislike yard work or if I just don’t like having to spend so much of my limited free time on it and once I retire it will be my saving grace. I worked at nurseries and farms as a young person and had a great time. Now, I procrastinate and am always four weeks late doing anything. Our house has a rather large and complicated yard, xeriscaped. I can’t just hire it done; with xeriscaping you need skilled attention, not hack-and-whackers.

    Anyone have ideas about how to test this question?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      A brain science finding that resonates with me but seems to be counterintuitive for many: There is no age when your unalterable personality kicks in. You can be a 47 year old who wants to minimize yardwork and later a 60 year old who finds joy in your heirloom iris garden.

      How close are you to retirement? If it’s 3 years off, I’d try to make the yard work and then see what happens when you have oodles of time. If it’s 30 years off, I’d be more inclined to try to change the landscaping or house, if it’s really getting to you.

      I remember an anecdote about a woman who worked very long hours, and she wanted her architect to design a house with an ever-expanding massive greenhouse. Gradually realized that The Greenhouse Was A Symbol, and that she absolutely did not have the free time to actually fulfill her dreams of what she would do in this greenhouse. An aspect of the yard can represent The You In Your Head, and the you who actually exists doesn’t ever lounge in a hammock, or weed the vegetables, or whatever the fictional version was going to do with this space.

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        I agree, timeframe matters. If retirement is more than a few years away, I would suggest that you don’t try to force yourself to like something that you find unpleasant. Life is too short for that. Ditch the yard, enjoy your free time. (Full disclosure: I loathe yard work.)

        If retirement is close, it becomes a little more complicated. Some things I would consider in your shoes: How much do you like the large/xeriscaped yard? Is it worth trying to make it work on your limited time until you can devote the necessary attention to it, with the understanding that you might not want to do it even when you have time? Will slightly neglecting it now make it too big of a project in retirement (like too much to fix/clean up)? Do you have the knowledge to manage the yard well and efficiently, or is that part of what makes it time-consuming? I googled xeriscaping, and I would have no idea what to do with that type of yard! (but it looks really cool) Do you get any satisfaction from the process now, even if it’s just looking at the results of your work, or is it 100% drudgery?

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You could also rethink what you mean by hiring. Skilled gardeners exist – it’s not all landscape companies with 6 guys in a pickup and power tools. You’d just have to decide if the cost and research effort to find a real gardener is worth it to you.

    3. fposte*

      I will add to the excellent comments here to say I am a lapsed gardener who has just retired, and I am wondering if I’m going to get the garden back in shape the way I keep thinking, so I understand what you’re talking about.

      I think it’s definitely worth considering at least identifying some skilled landscapers and assessing the cost; also consider if you were to revamp the garden as low-maintenance what would you do, and find out how much that would cost.

    4. Generic Name*

      I’m a little confused by your description of your xeriscaped yard. It needs skilled attention? Like what? I only plant native or naturalized plants in my garden, and I never water my garden after the first year I put something in. So it’s definitely xeriscape. It’s also very low maintenance. I do like gardening, so I will trim certain flowers mid summer to encourage re-blooming. But honestly, if I never touched my xeriscape garden again, it would survive and even look great.

    5. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      How to test? You could try journaling on just this one topic and see if there is a pattern…what does the garden represent really? Peace and relaxation so that you’re focused on the end result of your labors but the work itself is awful? Dedication to a cause so xeriscaping is necessary and “right” but not really your preferred space — your ideal is a green lawn and topiaries :)? Do you enjoy “gardening” in abstract concept but THIS garden is a burden?

      My own experience is I’m a crazy plant lady, but I’ve finally realized ONLY for low-fuss succulents. I’ve tried to keep ferns alive, because i had an idealized lush interior jungle in my head — very chic and “i shall have tea in the conservatory” — but it made me miserable and ends with dead ferns. I solemnly vow to never buy another fern.

    6. Sleepless*

      I’m not sure what you mean by ideas to test this question, but I think I feel similarly to you. When I was a kid through being college student and living at home, I used to spend hours and hours taking care of my mother’s flower beds and our large vegetable garden and the trees (I basically took care of everything except the grass). I loved it. Now as an adult with a fulltime job, I’m tired and don’t want to do any sort of yard work or gardening and just do the minimum (often procrastinating). It’s probably something I’d enjoy again if I had a lot of free time.

  51. Alexis Rosay*

    How do folks balance family time over the holidays with the need to decompress privately, and respect the boundaries of your partner?

    My parents live a few hours drive away, and my siblings (who fly in) and I usually gather at their home for Christmas, often with our partners as well. Since work has gone remote, my husband and I (who live the closest) have been under increasing pressure from my parents to make longer and longer visits for holidays. I don’t really mind longer visits, but my partner does. It’s not his family, and he wants more quality time for just the two of us when we’re not working. No matter what length of time we visit for, I feel like either my partner is chafing by the end, or my parents are hurt that we’re leaving when we don’t really *need* to be home for anything (as they see it).

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      My recommendation–and it’s easier from outside–is to plan a shorter time with your parents and then really work at making that time fun and special. Your partner is less worn down because the end is coming. You make more of the limited time because you know it’s limited so you’re not looking to escape everyone.

      For many people it can work well to split up–you could stay with your parents and sibs, your husband could enjoy having the house to himself. But it sounds like that’s not as appealing to him.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      A hotel works wonders. Makes it more of a special trip, you get your own space, there’s a place to escape for privacy.

      My partner gets annoyed by my family and I get overwhelmed by his. We stay at hotels as often as possible. On our last family visit, I left him at the hotel while I had breakfast with my parents. We had a much better time than we would have if we had stayed there.

      1. Decidedly Me*

        This! I need the hotel when seeing my partner’s family (heck, even my own!), as I like private space and somewhere to decompress at the end of the day.

    3. Kathenus*

      I think you need to really decide what it is you want as far as time with your partner during the holidays and/or around vacations. If that’s two days at home together to decompress, be with each other, recharge before work starts, etc. – then just plan that into your time off as your normal way to operate. And I’m with you on this, even though it’s just me right now (and some critters), I always try to have at least one and preferably two days off after returning from a trip (family trip especially, because while they can be fulfilling in their own way, relaxing they generally are not).

      I think the key is to realize that you’re not going to make everyone happy, so focus on making you happy. Be upfront and honest about your plans – tell your mom and dad that time with your partner is also important when you have time off from work and this is built into your itinerary. Don’t apologize for it, just present it as a fact, and then hold firm even if they pressure you. If it’s presented as accomplishing two important goals during your time off work – spending time with them, and spending time as a couple – they may not agree, but hopefully over time at least they’ll understand it’s not personal.

    4. Alex*

      I’m experiencing this from my parents as well, although in my case I don’t have a partner (it’s ME who needs to decompress by myself/with friends).

      I think the thing is that you CAN’T please everyone. There is no magical way to make it so people like not getting exactly what they want. No one likes that. In my case, I told my parents how long I planned on visiting and didn’t engage with reasons policing.

      “Spouse and I are coming from X date to Y date. I know you wish it were longer but this is what works for us.” Isn’t rude or ungrateful or hurtful. Will your parents have feelings about it? Probably, but you can’t manage others’ feelings about your reasonable actions.

    5. RagingADHD*

      My question for you is — what do YOU want to do with your vacation time? I see you talking about what your parents want and what your husband wants, and what you “don’t mind.”

      But what do you want? More quality time with partner? More time with parents and siblings? Sometimes one and sometimes the other on a case by case basis? Or maybe some time all by yourself?

      It will be a lot easier for you to navigate this if you know what you want for yourself (and tell the other folks involved, too). It’s impossible to find a real balance point if you yourself are the fulcrum. It will always be teetering and tottering, and all the pressure falls on you. OTOH, a three-legged stool is stable, so get out of the middle and make your own needs/wants an equal part of the equation.

      In my relationship, I’m the one who needs more quiet/alone time, so sometimes my husband visits his family without me, or we travel separately and stay different lengths of time. When we lived further from my family, we would do the same the other way around sometimes – if my husband had to work, I’d go see my folks on my own.

      Everyone involved is an adult, so everyone should be able to deal with saying “no thank you” sometimes and hearing “no thank you” sometimes. And your husband should prioritize your needs and wants as much as you prioritize his. So in my book, that means taking turns and giving each other leeway. You don’t have to do the same thing every year, or every holiday during the year.

      1. Generic Name*

        THIS. It struck me too that OP talked about husbands wants and parents wants but not their own. What do YOU want to do?

  52. Ruth A*

    I asked several weeks ago for an easy way to cover up a seam on the inside of a wrist splint that was making some recurring eczema flare up on my hand. A couple of people recommended lining it with moleskin, which I have tried. It feels nice and soft and does not irritate my skin! However, it doesn’t seem like it lasts for very long until it’s peeling off where I’ve wrapped it around to to the outside of the splint. Do I need to buy a higher quality moleskin (I bought the Walgreens store brand)? Is that just what moleskin is like? Will it stay on longer when the weather warms back up in the summer and I’m not pulling sleeves down over my splint and sometimes catching on it?

    1. fhqwhgads*

      Moleskin is meant to be temporary. Usually you’d put it on your skin, not the splint, but practicality-wise, it will last longer in this application if it’s on the splint vs your skin. But you should still expect to need to replace it periodically.

    2. Fiction Reader*

      I didn’t see your first post, but did anyone recommend stockinette, sometimes called tubular bandage? It’s a long tube of cotton knit material, you cut it to the length you need to line your splint, and you can cut a little hole in the side for your thumb if necessary. It can be hand washed and line dried or you can just cut a new piece off the roll as it gets dirty.

      1. Kw10*

        Or a similar idea, just cut the toe end off of a thin sock and put that on your wrist before putting the splint on?

  53. Not Your Sweetheart*

    I just applied for a job with my current company in Richmond, VA. I know nothing about Richmond. Is anyone familiar enough with it to give me advice? If I do get the job, I’ll need to move. What neighborhoods should I look at, which should I avoid? How’s the public transportation? I don’t have kids (so schools are not an issue). I do have a car, but would prefer not to drive in the city if I have a choice. I’ll be renting a house or apartment (cat friendly). Any info about the city and surrounding areas would be helpful!

    1. Swisa*

      I live in the burbs, so I can’t answer most of your questions. But I LOVE the Richmond food scene. So many delicious restaurants. Perch is my favorite. But there’s also Metzger, Brenner Pass, Kuba Kuba, and L’opposum if you want fancy.
      I’ve had friends live in Manchester and like it. It’s kind of an industrial area, with lots of factories converted into lofts.

      1. Swisa*

        And one of my favorite Richmond things are the festivals. Covid put a damper but I’m sure they’ll be back in force soon. Dominion River Rock, the Greek Festival, lots of others. Friday Night Cheers is great for outdoor music in May/June.
        Oh and there are tons of breweries! Hardywood (with lots of free events with bands), Isley, Ardent, the Veil, and many many others.
        And Scott’s Addition is a happening place (lots of restaurants, breweries, even an arcade restaurant,?), but I hear the rent is pricey, and parking seems limited.

      2. Swisa*

        Fat Dragon is also one we really like, especially their green beans. I’ve heard good things about Stella’s but was never able to get a reservation, pre-covid.

  54. Heffalump*

    I’m curious to know if I’m the only person who (occasionally) has experiences like this. I ask someone a question, and they respond according to what they think I’m “really” getting at. For all I know, maybe they mean well. But it invariably leads to a “who’s on first” conversation, which is very frustrating. I’d rather they just answered the question as it stands without trying to second-guess me.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      No, I guarantee you that you are not the only person who occasionally experiences that.

    2. PollyQ*

      My mom does that sometimes, and it drives me right straight out of my gourd! I don’t really understand why. I feel like I’m a pretty clear communicator most of the time, and if I ask a question using certain words, it’s because that’s what I want to know.

    3. Lifelong student*

      When I was teaching at a university and there was an exam- I always wrote on the board “Answer the question asked!” I think when people don’t do that in conversation, it is because they are not actually listening to you- which is highly annoying!

      1. KoiFeeder*

        My confession is that when I answered a question constructed from a very spurious reading of the original question and not the actual essay question, it’s because I forgot the details of the actual question and was trying to reword it into something I could answer.

        But I don’t do that in conversations. Verbal communication is hard enough without reading a wholly different conversation into every sentence.

    4. Zona the Great*

      Hmm. It’s hard to know what’s going on without knowing more. My father only talks in bizarre riddles where his questions are strange lead-ins to what he’s really getting at. Instead of asking why I didn’t finish my meal, he’ll ask if I had eaten already. Like I’m being set up. It makes me respond with, “why do you ask?”. I wonder if I am like the Abbot in a routine with others as a result of this. Do you have a tendency to lead in to topics in this way? If not, I’d just guess they are used to communicating like that and wouldn’t recognize the behavior as off at all. It is super annoying though.

      1. Heffalump*

        To answer your question, no, I don’t lead into topics the way your father does. I’m the poster boy for directness.

        1. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

          It could be many things:
          1 they don’t want to answer your question but have been conditioned not to say that, so they give a non-answer…

          2 they aren’t accustomed to directness and THINK you are like Zona’s father…asking one thing to lead into the real gotcha.

          3 they have their own agenda of what they want to discuss, and your question is close enough to give them the opening to start. Their agenda trumps your question because they are self-centered…

          Could probably keep going on. It’s not just you and it’s unlikely ABOUT you…it’s all them.

          1. fposte*

            I’ll add a 4, which is kind of like your 1 and 3 but more legitimated–they don’t want to answer the question and don’t feel obligated to explain that to you. It’s perfectly fine to swerve a question you don’t want to answer.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      That sounds annoying. But I’m also wondering if at least one of them replies this way bc they’ve always been around people who don’t speak directly and only speak in subtleties? Like they’re not trying to second guess you personally, but there’s always a “wrong” answer that they get in trouble for so they try to overcompensate? I hope that makes sense

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I find it’s usually either that – I’m an Ask/direct person living in a largely Guess/indirect culture, so people are accustomed to having to interpret the question and get confused if they don’t – or someone who isn’t actually listening to the question and is trying to just answer it as quickly as possible and get back to their video game, HUSBAND WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER. (Ahem.)

    6. RagingADHD*

      I am a pretty direct person living in a culture of indirect speakers, and this is what I encounter a lot. OTOH, I was originally raised in this indirect culture, and married a person who is even more direct than me, so sometimes I inadvertently do it to him. It’s frustrating, but it’s just one of the many types of miscommunications that are part of dealing with humans. Sometimes people are operating on a different wavelength, or think something else is going on than you intended.

      The only time I have ever really butted heads with someone over this, was when I had a boss who was an information hoarder. He would try to craft a question that in his mind was extremely precise and targeted. But he would pare it down to the point that there was no context at all. As a result, the question was impossible to answer on its face and the only valid answer to the question he asked would be “it depends.”

      Of course, he didn’t like hearing “it depends,” and he interpreted follow-up questions as a challenge to his authority. So I would try to answer what I thought he might be asking, because he wanted an answer, now!

      It was a no-win situation for both of us.

    7. Undine*

      It’s hard to know without specific examples. For me, it’s the way my mind works. So if we are going somewhere and someone says “What time is it?” and then I say “We have to leave in about 15 minutes.”, it’s not because I’m guessing or even caring what they want, it’s because that’s what time means to me at that moment. Like I look at the clock and leave in 15 minutes is the time. If you took the clock away right after I’d said that and then asked me the time o’clock in that case, I’m not sure I would know it, or I would have to work it out backwards, “Let’s see, we have to leave at 4, and I just said we have 15 minutes, so it must be 3:45.” Even though I just saw the clock.

      In general I live in a world that’s metaphoric and conceptual and I can struggle with the concrete. I sometimes think of it as, I can’t see the trees for the forest.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I hate it when people answer me that way. I don’t have a very good sense of time passing so if I’m getting ready to go somewhere I check the time frequently as time to leave approaches. But if you just say “we have to leave in about 15 minutes” I somehow find that hard to process. I just want to know that it’s currently 3:47pm.

    8. Generic Name*

      I’m afraid I do this sometimes. Or I’ll ask a question in return to try to figure out how I should answer. It stems from being raised to be compliant and agreeable and also from years in an abusive relationship. I’ll try to mold my response based on what I think the other person wants. My needs don’t enter the equation or even exist. This is something I’m working on in therapy.

    9. A Feast of Fools*

      I have the opposite problem with my mom. She’ll ask me a question. I answer her question. She gets frustrated because my answer didn’t solve her problem.

      Example: She asked me one day if I had a thumb drive. I said No. She was frustrated, so I offered that I now save everything in the cloud because that’s easier than carrying around a stash of thumb drives. She became even more frustrated.

      I asked her why she needed a thumb drive. She said she needed to get something over to our local copy shop. So I said she could just email it to them or upload it to their site.

      She became frustrated (and salty) trying to figure out how to send the document. So I took a deep breath and asked her what her *ultimate goal* was. If she could snap her fingers and arrive at the end of the process, what would she have accomplished or obtained.

      She said she needed to email a paper document that she has filled out and signed.

      Me: “OK, so you need to print the document before you can sign it? That’s what you’d be having the copy shop print out?” [Which would be weird, because she has a printer]

      Her: “No. I have the document. I filled it out and signed it. Here it is.” [hands me a piece of paper]

      Me: [pulls out my phone, scans the doc with an app, converts it to a PDF, emails it to my mom]

      Me: “Just forward it from your email.”

      Her, practically angry: “Why didn’t you do that in the first place?!?”

      Me: “Because you asked me if I had a thumb drive, not if I could help you convert a paper document into a digital one. You know I can’t read your mind, right?”

      Some version of that happens with her damned near every day. I’m trying to train myself to ask, “What are you trying to accomplish?” in place of answering her question.

      2. Heffalump*

        That would annoy the hell out of me. I take it that when she asked for a USB stick, she hadn’t thought through how she was going to get the document onto the stick?

        I’m reminded that when I was 7 or 8 and encountered an unfamiliar word in my reading, I’d go to my father and ask, “What does ____ mean?”

        He would always say, “How was the word used?” I’d tell him, and then he’d answer my question. He never said that going forward I should give him the context preemptively, and it never occurred to me that I should do this. After one of these exchanges, I never understood why he’d asked how the word was used. But I think this was excusable at my age at the time.

        1. PollyQ*

          I assume mom thought she could take the paper document & the USB stick to the copy shop & they could get a digital copy onto the USB drive, which she could then take home & plug into her computer. And in fairness to her, they probably could have, and maybe 10-15 years ago, it might have been the best solution to her problem.

      3. RagingADHD*

        I think you and OP have probably described the way the same interaction feels from opposite points of view.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Except Feast DID answer the question that was asked in their example, not the question that was meant, and Heffalump is asking about people who answer the question that (they think) was meant rather than the question that was actually asked.

          Obviously we just need to put Heffalump’s problem people together with Feast’s mom. :)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Derp. That was your point. I’m sorry, disregard me :) Too literal over here.

            1. A Feast of Fools*

              Yes, we should put those two types of people together!

              And, yeah, PollyQ, I think that’s what my mom thought she needed to do: Take it to a place with a scanner who could save it to the thumb drive so she could then stick the drive in her computer and attach the document to an email.

              But she does this with non-tech things, too:

              Her: “Do you know where the hotpad is, the one with the insurance agent’s logo?”

              Me: “Not offhand, but I’ll help you look for it.”

              20 minutes later we find it where she has left it on the coffee table (??) and I find out that the reason she wanted that specific hotpad is because it’s kind of rubbery and she uses it occasionally to help hers open stuck jars.

              Me: “I. . . could have just opened the jar for you?”

              If I had answered her question with, “What are you hoping to accomplish with the hotpad?” She would have said, “I want to open this jar of pickles,” and I wouldn’t have upended my kitchen looking for the pad.

              1. Heffalump*

                Sounds like, at least in this case, she didn’t get mad and say, “Why didn’t you just open the jar for me in the first place?”

    10. Mstr*

      I feel like it can also be a deliberate conversational tactic, especially for small talk. Like if you ask me how my dad is — the real answer is terrible but I might say I hope he enjoys the Christmas present I got him (something only vaguely relevant) just to avoid that emotional landmine but still reply politely. Also, is it possible your question isn’t as clear as you think? Maybe ask it & add “because” … like, how is your dad “because” I was thinking he might like to go golfing with me or whatever. Is there a specific incident that set this off?

      1. Heffalump*

        Since you ask, I’ll tell you. Some years ago I was in a biweekly movie discussion group. We’d see a movie on Sunday, discuss it over dinner at a restaurant, and take a vote for the movie for next time. We’d choose a first-choice movie and second-choice movie in case the first-choice movie was no longer in town 2 weeks later.

        Each time, someone would volunteer to call everyone and let them know if it was to be the first- or second-choice movie, where it was playing, and at what time. We had a hard-copy list of everyone’s name and phone number. Today we’d probably have the list in Google Docs or some such, but this was years ago, and a couple of people didn’t even have email.

        One day I wanted to call Ken and Kathy, a couple in the group, about something totally unrelated to the movie group, and I realized that I’d mislaid my member list. I called “Georgia,” another group member, and asked if she could give me Ken and Kathy’s phone number. I don’t remember the exact wording of her response, but it included the word “movie” and didn’t include Ken and Kathy’s phone number. We went back and forth several times, and she kept saying movie, movie, movie. As I said, a “who’s on first” conversation.

        I finally got it across to her that my call to Ken and Kathy wasn’t even remotely about the movie. She said, “Oh, I thought you wanted to call them about the movie,” and finally she gave me their number. I suppressed the urge to say, “You know I want to call Ken and Kathy, so just give me their number—the purpose of the call makes no difference.” This was what I meant by answering the question as it stood and not second-guessing me.

        Maybe her thought process was, “I’ll answer his question about the movie and save him the trouble of making another call to Ken and Kathy.”

        She’s a nice person and a longtime friend, but this isn’t the only experience like this that I’ve had with her. Maybe it’s just the way her mind works.

  55. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Hi. Any recommendations for towels that dry quickly, don’t leave lint and aren’t plush/soft? Also not microfiber. I am particular with certain sensory things….i don’t like being wet so I need a towel that’ll dry me off without leaving lint. I shower in the gym so I need something that’ll dry quickly; right now I just shake it off and lay it across my backseat so it can dry off before I roll it up and put it back in my bag. And for some reason microfiber just feels awful on my hands.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I would look for a waffle weave cotton towel. If you’re worried that the cotton won’t dry quickly enough, you could look for a waffle weave poly blend, or for a linen towel.

    2. Pennyworth*

      Turkish towels might suit you, they are woven cotton, thin, and dry quickly. Lots to look at on Amazon and elsewhere.

    3. it happens*

      Second the Turkish towels. Also microfiber towels; there are specific travel-sized ones that sound like they’d fit the bill.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Microfiber feels weird on my fingers. Can’t even describe it properly but it feels like they pick up every thing on my fingertips. Not sure if it’s cz I pick my nails & the skin around them. It’s weird

    5. Generic Name*

      Google chamois (pronounce in American English as “shammy” don’t ask why). They absorb a huge amount of water and ave very small. Swimmers and divers use them.

        1. Generic Name*

          I’m American, but I think “chamois” should be pronounced as “sham-wah”, since it’s a French word. I also have trouble pronouncing “chassis”. Most people here say “chassee”, but it would be “sha-si”. I blame years of French in school.

          2. fposte*

            Yeah, that’s kind of like insisting the state is “Eel-ee-nwah.” The truth is that chamois has an American pronunciation that’s diverged from the French (and from the orthography, which is always a struggle for me), and that’s legitimate for pronunciation to do.

            1. Generic Name*

              Ha, fair enough. I’m going to start pronouncing Illinois that way now. :) mind you, I don’t go around correcting how people say chamois. This is all going on in my brain. I used to be a swimmer and I said it the same as everyone else. I mostly added that note because the spelling and pronunciation are so different I thought it would help OP in case they went into a store asking for it.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I have heard the US pronunciation for the leather or fabric as “shammy” but for the animal as sham-wah or sham-was.

        Not to be confused with the Sham-Wow absorbent cloth of infomercial fame.

    6. Former Swimmer*

      Some sporting goods stores have swimmer’s towels. I’m not sure what they’re made of, but they’re quick drying, absorbent and quite portable(designed to roll up very small to toss in a swim or gym bag). I bought one when I was on swim team and have used it as a regular gym towel.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Travel towels are similar, but those are usually microfiber. (They’re awesome for hair that takes forever to dry too.)

    7. RagingADHD*

      Walmart’s house brand of towels “Mainstays Essential” have a quick-dry line that are 100% cotton but have a very low-twist yarn. I wouldn’t call them plush, but because they are a lighter, looser weave they are relatively fluffy. I don’t know about lintiness. I don’t feel linty when I use them, but I’m not particularly sensitive to that so I might miss it. They do, in fact, dry much quicker than all our other towels.

      The bath towels are about $5-6, so if you can try one and it’s no big loss if you don’t like it.

    8. newbie*

      When I need lint-free linens in a hurry (usually pillowcases for some project that requires a fairly fine filter), I hit estate sales for sheets/pillowcases/towels that were good quality when purchased many, many, many years ago and have been used & washed so many times that any lint is a distant memory. Basically, someone else did the work of breaking it in for me over the last 20-30 years.

    9. SpellingBee*

      I know what you mean about microfiber catching on your fingertips – I hate that feeling too! For me it seems to happen mostly when they’re new, and lessens after they’re washed a bunch of times. With regard to towels, LL Bean makes a line of flat-weave cotton towels (they call them textured cotton) that absorb well, don’t leave lint and dry pretty quickly. They also fold up fairly small so wouldn’t take up a lot of space in your bag. They’re not cheap, but are excellent quality and last well. I have 2 sets that I’ve used for probably 8 or 9 years now, and they still look like new.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Really? I’ve never stuck with any long enough to go through that. I’ll pay more attention next time.

        1. the cat's ass*

          I hate the way microfiber feels too. Linen/cotton blend towels might be what youre looking for-not much nap or fluff, and little to no lint after youve washed them a few times. good luck!

    10. Dancing Otter*

      If you can sew at all, or know someone, fabrics-store dot com sells linen toweling fabric that might suit you. Linen absorbs really well, dries fast, and comes in various textures from smooth to waffle-weave. Also, if you’re sensitive to dye, scent or other chemicals, they have undyed, natural or bleached versions.
      You’d just need to hem or overcast the cut edges – though I suppose not everyone would mind raw edges?

      1. RagingADHD*

        I’m not familiar with that fabric in particular, but in general linen tends to fray quite enthusiastically.

        I would expect a linen bath towel with raw edges to come out of the first wash as a washcloth accompanied by a ball of string.

  56. Anon for this*

    We bought a house! It was built in the early 30s and needs a bit of updating. Do any of you have advice for a first-time homeowner? Things you wish you’d known, done differently, etc.? Things to keep an eye on in an older house?

    I’m frankly amazed to be in this position. It feels like it’s going to be a bit of a stretch financially, but we’re so excited to have a place to call our own after years of thinking it would be impossible.

    2. Squidhead*

      Congratulations! Learn about the relevant rules in your jurisdiction before taking on any major projects. For example, where I live a licensed electrician is required to do ANY electrical work (even something small like switching out a brown receptacle for a white one.) Your old house may (or may not) have lead paint (very likely), asbestos (probably in some limited areas), aluminum wiring (if electrical work was done in the 1970s), a lead water supply pipe (depending on where you live), not enough fire and smoke alarms (easy to fix), etc… My house has (or had) all of these!

      We had a home inspection and we didn’t ask the sellers to fix every item the inspector saw but we used it as a starting list for ourselves. We are moderately handy between the two of us and were willing to take on some things we knew we could do safely. A specific thing that we found helpful was to make an electrical map of the house. You can do this on a notepad. Draw the ground plan of every floor. Make a mark for every outlet/light/appliance. Turn off every circuit one by one. Write the circuit number next to every single item. Use one of those “tick” pens for switches. Don’t forget things like the doorbell, security system, and that mystery switch in the hallway! Keep this somewhere handy…it definitely helped us troubleshoot a few things and (unfortunately) identify some problems (like half the house was on one circuit.) If your house has fuses instead of circuit breakers, consult an electrician before doing this project! (And always super-double check that a circuit is dead before opening up a box…the point of this project is just to help you know what to turn off when you need to do some work.)

      If you can, go through the house room by room and make a list of what you want to do. Then if a need arises for work in that room, maybe you can combine some tasks. Example: you want to paint the ceiling in the bedroom and also put up a ceiling fan. Get the fan dealt with before you go to a lot of effort painting…because I promise if you don’t the ceiling fan will turn out to be a “we had to cut three separate holes” kind of project! xoxo, my house built in 1940.

      Congratulations again! I hope you get lots of enjoyment from it!

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes, geez, label your circuit breaker box (assuming you have one) Very Clearly. (Three guesses how I found out that half my office, the downstairs powder room and the dishwasher are all on the same breaker, and WHY ON EARTH DID THEY DO IT THAT WAY.)

      3. Observer*

        I’d add one thing to this list:

        If your house has fuses instead of circuit breakers, consult an electrician before doing this project!

        Actually, don’t do this project till you replace the fuse box with a circuit breaker. And have the electrician check all of your wiring. But do bump the inspection to the top of the list. Because if you still have a fuse box, there is a good chance that there are some other less than safe surprises hiding in the walls. And electrical fires are nasty. Obviously any fire is bad, but some are worse than others. Electrical fires in your wiring are definitely in the “worse” category.

      4. Anon for this*

        Oh wow, thank you so much! This is incredibly helpful. Never would have thought of drawing an electrical map!

    4. newbie*

      If the house is mostly in its original configuration, outside of maintenance/restoration/conservation (ie, sand and refinish wood floors), live in the house as it is for a while before you make any changes. Respect your architecture and keep it in mind with any changes you do make. For the love of all things holy, don’t mount a giant TV over an original fireplace mantle. It doesn’t hurt the house, just looks ugly AF, and it’s in all the listings for houses of that era in my city.
      As others mentioned, learn where your water shutoff is. Depending on what kind of furnace you have, get a CO detector. Don’t be quick to rip anything out. The old house blogosphere/youtube/twitter is FULL of people who can walk you through almost any task in a method that’s appropriate to the age and materials of your house.

      1. Anon for this*

        Not to worry, no giant TVs here (no TV at all actually lol)! My partner and I met in the history department in university and I’m already digging into local archives to find out more about the building. The previous owners did an amazing job restoring the original flooring so that’s taken care of at least!

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Good advice I ran across re the yard was to live with it for a year. That let you get an idea of whether there was a sunny window in January (which you don’t want to block with an evergreen) or way too much sun in this corner in August (so maybe plant a shrub or some small trees there), or in May that scraggly thing bursts out in beautiful flowers.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Congratulations! I’m tearing up at your second paragraph. I moved into our first home this week last year and had the same love & enthusiasm for it. I wish you lots of good wishes and memories in this place <3

      I've lived in "old" homes all my life. Childhood home built in 1930s and we bought a home last year built in the same era. First wasn't by choice and this one worked out for us. Biggest thing I've found is that plumbing has been an issue in both homes. Very tiny pipes.

      Wait a year before any major changes. See how things are in the home in the summertime.

      Both homes had a fuse box so whenever anything in the house trips (i.e., running the microwave and countertop oven at the same time caused the fuse to trip) we can check the fuse box in hte basement. Luckily the previous owner of this one labelled everything.

      Above all, make sure that you have enough money set aside for repairs/construction etc.

      1. Anon for this*

        Thank you so much, that’s very kind! I hope you’re having a wonderful time in your old home. I’m happy to wait a year before any major changes, haha, it will give our savings some time to recover as well.

        This will be my first experience of an old home—I grew up in new build suburbia. As I mentioned elsewhere in this thread, my partner and I are history nerds, so we’re very excited to learn everything there is to learn about the house. Fingers crossed that most of the surprises will be pleasant…

    7. Ali G*

      If it didn’t come with one, I highly recommend getting a home warranty for at least the first year. This will help cover you for all the things that will inevitably crop up that didn’t come up on the inspection. In our first year we had to fix: 2 leaky faucets, exhaust from the HVAC on the third floor, the oven (twice), and do a heavy up on our electrical panel. All the but the last one was taken care of by a $150 deductible.

    8. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Buy good quality carpet. We got cheaper carpet when we bought our house and it has not aged well, but it’s a massive undertaking to replace it now.

    9. Anon for this*

      Everyone, thank you for your well wishes and your excellent advice! I’ve saved everything from this thread in a spreadsheet. Shoutout to Squidhead especially, thank you for taking the time to write all of that down!

      I’ll be honest, I feel daunted at the prospect of Homeownership, and I hope we’ll have the funds to preserve and maintain this home. We live in an area where housing is rapidly becoming unattainably expensive; even if it’s a bubble, we don’t think prices are going to crater, and we’re gambling that we should make the stretch now before we also get priced out. I’ve had to dip into my “eff you fund” (the one I was keeping in case I had to quit my job without anything lined up), which doesn’t feel great, but I hope in the end it will be worth it!

      1. Squidhead*

        Aw, thank you! More stuff I thought of: Find out what your city and your utility companies can do for you. Examples where I live: grants for lead-paint abatement, especially if you have children in the home; energy-efficiency grants and financing programs for big things like insulation or furnace replacement, plus rebates for certain appliance upgrades; the public works Department will ream out the sewer vent at the curb for free versus paying a plumber (we still need a plumber for anything our side of the curb, but this saved us at least twice); the gas company will come if you smell gas (get out of the house!) and if they can find the leak they will help you turn off the supply (still need a plumber to fix it, but at least you might be able to wait 12 hours to call them instead of an emergency call in the middle of the night); the city offers large-waste curbside pickup a couple of times a year if you can wait that long to have your old couch hauled away; etc…! Try your public works homepage and your utility companies first, and maybe Google “energy-efficiency in ___” And, of course, chat up your neighbors! That old guy down the street probably remembers when the new windows went into your place 25 years ago! (RIP, neighbor Bob, local busybody and home renovation adviser!)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My power company is CONSTANTLY offering programmable/smart thermostats for cheap or free — if you make an appointment for them to video-chat and do a walkthrough on your house, they’ll make suggestions as to where you can be more energy-efficient and then send you a box of freebies. LED light bulbs, a couple of power strips, low-flow faucet adapters/shower heads, and a smart thermostat. (Of course, I found this out about three weeks AFTER I ordered one on my own dime and had my housemate install it :P )

    10. RC Rascal*

      If the house was built in the 1930s it probably has plaster walls. Learn to deal with the plaster and do repairs yourself. Good plasterers are in short supply and cost a fortune. However , there are a lot of plaster projects that can be handled by a detail oriented DIYer.

      Also, you can’t anchor stuff to the wall like you can with drywall. Popular wisdom will tell you to hang stuff with toggle bolts. I find concrete screws are usually a better choice.

    11. Anono-me*

      Congratulations! Here are my suggestions:

      Day 1

      Take a picture of yourselves in front of the new house.

      If you have VOIP phones or second Google numbers that won’t show your location, see if you can register those numbers to your new address with your local 911 provider (or other equivalent).

      Rekey the locks or change and upgrade the locks. For standard doorknob locks and deadbolts, this is a very simple DIY. (Just be sure that if you DIY multiple lock changes that they all have the same lock number. )

      Get a plunger, either one multiple use or separate ones for the sink and toilet.

      Get new carbon monoxide and smoke detectors. Get good ones and get good batteries for them. (Cabon monoxide detector sound when they are too old to keep using. IME loudly in the middle of the night. ) You don’t know how much the prior homeowners spent or how often they cleaned them.

      Week 1

      Paint everything you can before you move in, especially the closets.

      Put an extension cord in every outlet that will have furniture in front of it.

      As you go:

      Keep the smoke and carbon monoxide detectors clean.

      Change your furnace filter regularly.

      Many ac and heater systems should be inspected every year or so.

      If you’re somewhere that gets below freezing and you have an underground sprinkler. You will probably need to have it blown out every fall.

      Keep a wish list of things you want done, for when you are having a professional out to do something. For example, it might seem impractical to have an electrician out to add a timer to the bathroom fan; but it shouldn’t add to much to the bill, if the electrician is already at your home for something necessary.

      Add a timer to your bathroom fan.

      Have a “House Bible”. Record everything about your house in it. All your room measurements, where the doors and closets are, on each wall, window height and dimensions. As much as you can: Each paint color name and a sample. Flooring names and samples. The paperwork, manual and warranty information for each appliance. Repair people (I keep a naughty and a nice list, so I don’t accidentally call someone who disappointed me 7 years ago.) Furnace filter size. Any special light bulbs size & wattage. Tile details. What size you refrigerator opening is. Put the seller’s flyer in there for nostalgia and so you can check their details if need be.

      As you have things updated, save a few leftovers. Shingles, tile, carpet scraps,etc. Anything that 10 years down the road you might want to patch with the same material but not be able to find.

  58. blue wall*

    Help! I have an extremely static-y wool dress that I’m having trouble de-staticing. What can I do?

    I have rewashed it, line-dried it, rubbed it with metal (to discharge the charge), and put it in the freezer (to discharge the charge). No luck so far.

    3. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      I’ve had minor success with pinning a metal safety pin to the inside hem or inside seam of a static-y dress before. Then it discharges a tiny bit while I move around. If yours is so bad, maybe use 2 or 3 :)

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      I like an unscented spray called, “Static Schmatic”. I also wear a tricot half-slip made of anti-static nylon with staticky-clingy dresses.

    5. Wandering Anon*

      As a person who is prone to static (and being shocked by metal objects in the winter), I find static guard works well to keep dresses from clinging or becoming overly static-y.

  60. Potatoes gonna potate*

    How do people learn social graces? In childhood? School? Internet? Through trial and error? I know there are/were charm schools/finishing schools but that’s not universal…. but, um. yeah. How?

    I feel like I have the basics down, saying please thank you etc. But other stuff….I’m always kicking myself afterwards like WHY DID I SAY THAT! This was from wayyyyy before COVID so I won’t blame the last 2 years for something over hte last 20 years.

    1. KoiFeeder*

      I’ve been seeing a social skills therapist since childhood. Now, I’m autistic, so your insurance might not cover the expenses if you’re not, but I would highly recommend it. I’m still not the michelangelo of conversation, but I can actually communicate my needs without biting, which was where I was at when I began.

    2. Asenath*

      Watching others and, if I thought they were doing something well, trying the same thing myself. Well, I also had parents and other relatives, plus teachers and leaders of youth groups who taught me the basics, and tried to teach me more, but social skills didn’t come easily to me, and I still wouldn’t claim to be really good at them. As for foot-in-mouth, I tried to stop and think before I spoke, which took a lot of practice, and I learned from others that when I did screw up, a quick apology and moving on was the way to handle it; rather than making matters worse by babbling on and on about how awful it was to say something. And sometimes it’s OK to let minor things go and promise yourself that you’ll do better next time, because really, we all slip up sometimes and say things that are best forgotten when the other person has the grace to let it go.

    3. Tib*

      I think it depends on what types of things you’re regretting saying. Your brain might be making a bigger deal out of what you’re saying than is necessary and it’s putting you in this circle of thinking you’re hopelessly awkward and seeing all you do as awkward which makes you more awkward. So then it’s a matter of dealing with your thoughts and feelings both before and after the event.

      And/or you could be lacking in some skills. There are books that can help you learn some of the unwritten rules of social interaction. I find the ones directed at people with autism or their parents to be very clear and helpful.

    4. TPS reporter*

      From all of the above? I think listening is really important. It helps you focus on the other person and slow yourself down from saying something you might not want to say. Just take a breath and hold yourself back. Think about how you would want to be communicated with. Gather examples of how others have treated you that you really like. Journal them every day so they stick more.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I was incredibly awkward as a kid, because I was taught very formal, old fashioned manners at home but not really how to translate them into casual interactions with my peers.

      It started getting better in my early adulthood, because I learned a lot from studying acting, which is all about studying behavior. I also used to read etiquette books voraciously, because they can give you a lot of scripts and “rules” for how to act in different situations or how to make people feel appreciated, welcome, etc.

      There’s also an impulse control element where I blurt stuff out, and I don’t that’s going to change. I deal with that by trying to work on my insides and try to fill my “tank” with good things instead of negativity. So hopefully whatever I blurt will more likely be something kind. “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks,” as they say.

      I’ve also changed my standards as I’ve gotten older. I don’t care anymore whether people think I’m wierd. If they think that they are just perceiving reality. The thing I work on is channelling my wierdness into expressions that aren’t alienating people.

      As long as I am adding value at work without derailing, pulling my weight socially, and being as kind as I can, it will be fine.

      Self-consciousness is so painful and so toxic. I try to really focus on the other person when I’m with someone, because it feels good to get out of my own head. And the bonus is that most social graces are based on really listening/paying attention to the other person. So it is self-reinforcing when I can slow down and do it.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        There’s also an impulse control element where I blurt stuff out, and I don’t that’s going to change. I deal with that by trying to work on my insides and try to fill my “tank” with good things instead of negativity. So hopefully whatever I blurt will more likely be something kind. “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks,” as they say.

        I think thats it. I always talk about what’s at the forefront. A recent example is that I was speaking to a friend in person the other day and she asked how my recent trip was. We had chatted while I was there and I had told her some of what was going on, so – I just blurted out “oh it was terrible.” As soon as I said that I was like “no!”….I could’ve talked about the *good* things about that trip! (if I had never told her about those things, I wouldn’t have brought them up). Yesterday I was at a birthday party and chatting with a friends mom and I felt myself going there but stopped myself in time.

        I’ve also changed my standards as I’ve gotten older. I don’t care anymore whether people think I’m wierd. If they think that they are just perceiving reality. The thing I work on is channelling my wierdness into expressions that aren’t alienating people.

        As long as I am adding value at work without derailing, pulling my weight socially, and being as kind as I can, it will be fine.

        This is it!!!!

        1. PollyQ*

          If you want to be a more positive person, that’s a fine goal, but I don’t see any social awkwardness or faux pas in saying that you had a horrible time on a trip if that’s your honest reaction, and you’re talking to a third party who wasn’t in any way responsible so won’t be offended by the feedback. And your choice of that example makes me wonder how much of the problem is just that you’re being too hard on yourself.

        2. RagingADHD*

          I kind of agree with PollyQ. Your example sounds like you haven’t processed what happened, and you need to talk about it with someone. The solution there isn’t to squash it down or try to act positive in a fake way, but to actually spend the time processing it.

          Now, sometimes when we’re working on serious stuff there’s a “time, place, person” issue where it starts bubbling up in a context or with a person that we intellectually know isn’t appropriate. But you should certainly take that type of overflow as a sign that you need to prioritize finding the right person and the right place. Don’t let it fester.

        3. EventPlannerGal*

          “Yesterday I was at a birthday party and chatting with a friends mom and I felt myself going there but stopped myself in time.”

          So it does seem like you *can* stop yourself from saying these things, which is a good sign! Question: do you find yourself getting nervous gping in to social interactions much? Because one thing that nervousness can do is make you rush your speech and blurt out things you didn’t intend to just to fill the airtime – this is a really really common issue with public speaking nerves. (And then you’re so busy kicking yourself that you go even more off-script etc etc.. been there!) The advice in that context is often to actively work on slowing your speech down – pausing between sentences, controlling your breathing, that kind of thing – even if it feels weird or awkward to begin with, and I think that can help a lot conversationally too. Even if you just take a second before you start speaking, say “umm”, take a sip of your drink or whatever to stall and give you time to gather your thoughts, that can all help.

          (That’s not to say that you have to do this all the time – I agree with the others above that in the example you gave there isn’t anything inherently wrong with what you said. But it might make you feel more in control of the conversation if you tried some techniques like that instead of this stuff just coming out.)

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I have so few social interactions now thanks to pandemic life (going to work in an office was 95% of my public interactions). It’s weird, I don’t get nervous but rather excited?

  61. Ali G*

    I didn’t see a cooking thread yet, so what’s cooking people?
    I’m doing a lot of cooking this weekend since we didn’t have other plans and my (US) football team is on a bye.
    Last night I made my “faux” jumbalaya, which is basically a baked rissotto with white beans & spinach and then I mix in some seared turkey kielbasa and leftover chicken that is seasoned with a creole-like seasoning.
    Today I am meal prepping for the week and trying some new things, including SkinnyTaste turkey chorizo breakfast bowls which I am excited about. Tonight I am making a flank steak with onion and mushrooms and a spaghetti squash casserole.
    We are going to have great leftovers for the week!

    1. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Earlier this week I was able to successfully convert a banana-bran muffin recipe into a pumpkin-bran muffin recipe on the first try. (I really like pumpkin). I am quite pleased with myself because usually such experiments do not go well!

    2. UKDancer*

      I did marmalade pork with dauphinoise potatoes and broccoli last night which was really good. It left me some nice pork and mushrooms which I will have for lunch tomorrow with rice. Tonight I am doing harissa chicken with feta which is a favourite of mine with couscous. Also usually makes enough leftovers for me. I’ve got some rhubarb crumble to warm up.

      I don’t always feel creative during the week but at the weekend it’s nice to spend some time cooking something. I always go to the local butcher which has really good free range chicken and good quality beef and pork. It makes such a difference.

      1. Ali G*

        I had dauphinoise potatoes for the first time at a French restaurant recently and OMG. They were fantastic. I am impressed you make them at home!

        1. UKDancer*

          I love them although they’re not the healthiest dish in the world. They’re not difficult to make but I don’t do them very often because they’re quite high in fat (especially if you make them with cream). Definitely a weekend treat to celebrate it being Saturday.

          1. banoffee pie*

            I love dauphinoise potatoes, I make them pretty often (my recipe says half cream half milk, so that’s not so bad lol). It gets a bit repetitive chopping all the potatoes but it’s worth it

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        those potatoes sound good, I shall try those. The marmalade pork sounds fascinating, even though I don’t eat pork. Any recipe recommendations (I’d use chicken)?

        1. UKDancer*

          I use the one from the BBC Good Food website with slight modifications, i.e. adding mushrooms. If you google it there you can find it. My take on it is below. I’m not great on quantities so adjust to taste and number of people being fed.

          BBC Marmalade Pork
          Pork fillet
          3 tbsp Marmalade
          Handful of Thyme
          200ml chicken stock
          Garlic to taste (I use 2 tsp of Easy Garlic)
          1 onion
          Some mushrooms

          Instructions
          Slice fillet into pieces
          Preheat oven gently or switch on warming drawer
          Put oil in frying pan
          Cook onion, mushroom, garlic and pork until meat is cooked through
          Move pork to baking tray or dish and put in oven to remain warm
          Empty oil from pan
          Make up 200ml stock
          Add thyme and marmalade to taste and add mixture to frying pan.
          Reduce slightly until it’s not too liquid and a bit sticky. Add cornflour / flour if it’s too runny
          Put the pork back in and toss it about a bit
          Serve with rice or potatoes and vegetables

    3. WellRed*

      I may come ask next week: would live an easy breakfast casserole recipe for Christmas morning. Only three of us and most seem geared to feed the crowd.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I will try to get my mom’s breakfast casserole recipe between now and then so I can share it with you. Pretty tasty (and I don’t even like eggs!) and very versatile in terms of sizing up and down.

      2. Lady Danbury*

        Baked french toast is our Christmas morning go to. Google baked french toast for two and you’ll find smaller scale recipes. In general, googling recipe for two is my go to option if I need a smaller recipe. Sometimes they still feed up to 4 people or you can always scale up.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      Last night: roast sweet potatoes with a bbq-esque rub; green bean slaw (I think from a Smitten Kitchen cookbook)
      Tonight: oven-baked risotto (same source), roast asparagus, roast mushrooms

      I drew up dinner plans for the next two weeks in stages–vegetable heavy for me and spouse the next few days, a couple of new vegetarian cheese dishes for when no-allergy child arrives home, lots of cheese-less food for when the dairy allergic young athlete returns home.

    5. Alex*

      I’m roasting up a whole mess of root veggies and making a pork tenderloin with a nice spice rub. Also on the docket: lentil soup and chicken stew.

    6. Girasol*

      Sausage fry: slices of spicy chicken sausage fried up with potatoes, onions, and peppers and seasoned with garlic and paprika. It’s pretty basic but it’s good for a cold blustery evening.

      1. UKDancer*

        Oh that sounds good. I’ve got half a packet of chorizo I need to use up. What sort of potatoes do you use?

        1. Girasol*

          I prefer waxy Red Rose ones, but I mixed those with the mealier purple potatoes because that’s what we have from our garden harvest.

    7. GoryDetails*

      Made apple ketchup after reading a post by Allison Robicelli on The Takout – had never considered “apple ketchup” before, and it turned out really well. Sweet/sour/spicy blend, excellent with pork, tasty on roasted vegetables – I made some air-fryer white-sweet-potato fries and they were delicious with the apple ketchup.

    8. Overeducated*

      I’m making red wine braised short ribs to eat over (storebought) gnocchi in my instant pot, to serve with either roasted cauliflower or green salad, depending on if there’s time to roast after I get home from taking kids to the park. I’d theoretically like to make some Christmas cookies and pumpkin pie, maybe I will do that tonight after kids to go bed.

    9. Elle Woods*

      I was Costco the other day and Half-Baked Harvest’s cookbook, Super Simple, caught my eye. I made the walnut-crusted chicken with honey & brie from it and OMG was it good.

    10. Lady Danbury*

      I mentioned during the little joys thread that I made shakshuka with nduja and yogurt flatbread for brunch. There was just enough sauce leftover for today’s breakfast, along with additional eggs. I just finished mixing the dough for a deep dish chocolate chip cookie (pizookie), so that will be tonight’s dessert!

    11. Free Meerkats*

      Just wrapped up eggnog making for this year. I made about 3 gallons, bottled in 1L swing top bottles. One bottle was booze-free that the recipient will have to consume this week, the rest will be ahead and ready to consume over the next 2 weeks, last batch of 3L ready Christmas day. I’ve aged it as long as 3 months and it gets better over time.
      I’ve kept 3 bottles for myself, the rest has all been gifted.

  62. StellaBella*

    Even tho I did not know her, I did visit her home (from the sidewalk) and I loved/still love her books. I am sad that Anne Rice has passed. Anyone else have a connection with a famous author that has died and you are gutted? This hits hard today as it is also what would have been my mom’s 90th birthday. I will have a drink in her honour and a drink in honour of Anne Rice who brought me so much over the years.

    1. Tris Prior*

      I’m very saddened by her passing as well.

      We just went to New Orleans last month and walked by her home, which is now painted a pinkish-orange color. It was very odd not seeing it white, as it was before and as it’s described in the Mayfair Witches books!

    2. Chaordic One*

      Although I never met her, I greatly admired the late science fiction author Octavia Butler. I can’t even explain how she touched me with her writing. Ms. Butler grew up and lived in the Pasadena and Altadena area of southern California. I myself lived in Pasadena for 16 years.

      Sometimes (while she was still living) I imagined that I could feel her presence in certain places. The main branch of the Pasadena Public Library, the campus of Pasadena City College, the Huntington Library in Pasadena-adjacent San Marino, Vroman’s Bookstore in downtown Pasadena, the Ralphs (Kroger) grocery store (where they wouldn’t accept the $100.00 bill her mother had given her as a birthday present), and sometimes on certain residential streets in northwest Pasadena and Altadena where there were small well-kept houses. I always imagined that I would run into her, maybe see her walking down the street or sitting reading, but I never did. Ms. Butler moved away in 1999 to the Seattle area and passed away in 2006. I moved away in 2003. I never know she moved, but I miss her and I still like to think of her living in Pasadena.

      1. marvin the paranoid android*

        Aw, I would have loved to have met Octavia Butler as well. What I really wish is that she could have lived 500 years and received all of the acclaim and success she deserved.

    3. anon for this*

      I took it pretty hard when Roger Ebert died. I read almost everything he wrote for many years and he was a bit like a para-social favorite uncle. I didn’t always agree with him, but he was usually thoughtful about disagreement (as long as it wasn’t bigotry and/or cruelty) and I learned so much about art and life and humanity from his commentary. Not to mention that he could be hysterically funny.

      1. PollyQ*

        I was also a huge Roger Ebert fan — grew up watching Siskel & Ebert and also read his collected reviews so hard the book fell apart. I still wonder what he would have thought about this or that movie after I see it.

        I’m also still missing Donald Westlake, who wrote a series of very funny heist stories featuring smart but unlucky criminal John Dortmunder. He also wrote the hard-boiled Parker series under the pseudonym Richard Stark, as well as some screenplays, including The Grifters, for which he received an Oscar nomination. He was “only” 75 when he died, which isn’t exactly young, but dangit, he coulda lived and kept writing for many years.

        And of course, Terry Pratchett, who died much too young but at least left behind an amazing body of thoughtful, funny, and above all, human, work.

      2. fposte*

        I just ran into a fascinating 2005 exchange between him and actor Daniel Woodburn, who as a dwarf was unhappy with Ebert’s use of the word “midget.” It is a thoughtful and fascinating discussion between two smart, funny, and humane writers, and they both come off well. (It does include the full n-word in discussing slurs and their status.) That Ebert, after decades of a career of prominence, was willing to discuss this and grow from it just makes me like him all the more.

    4. The Smiling Pug*

      For some reason, during this time, celebrities passing has hit me hard. I’m not sure if I’m just more aware of these events, or aftermath of the pandemic, but it’s been tough. Especially if they passed away a while ago. (Spoilers) when I saw Ghostbusters: Afterlife with my mom, we sobbed at the end because of the beautiful tribute to not just the character of Dr. Egon Spengler, but the actor/writer/director Harold Ramis, who helped create GB. Didn’t matter that Harold initially passed in 2014.

  63. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    How do you evaluate a charity? I was just looking up a cool sounding charity that feeds people after disasters (like tornados…), but I want my money to go to good use. They have a good score on Charity Navigator, but also the co-founder/CEO makes nearly $200,000. That’s a LOT of money in a small midwest town like it’s located out of. Especially for a founder, you know?

    Does that sound iffy, or is my sense of scale off? And how do I tell if other charities are ok?

    1. int*

      Depends on how much that money is compared to the rest of their budget.

      That being said, the EDs/CEOs of charities (and all nonprofit employees) deserve to make what they’re actually worth. They shouldn’t be making next to nothing just because they decided to work at nonprofits.

    2. Purt’s Peas*

      Doesn’t sound iffy to me! But then I’m generally donating to larger national/international organizations.

      I think it should be a priority that employees of the nonprofit make enough money. So I consider that a plus!

      I generally agree that execs make too much money. But you’d be hard-pressed to find a non profit where the execs aren’t earning substantial salaries, and though 200k is a lot locally, it’s ultimately a pretty low CEO salary.

      So unless you’re worried about corruption, etc, I think that if you respect the results of the nonprofit,
      then you can feel comfortable donating!

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      If they want to hire someone with the leadership skills of a similar-sized for-profit, the pay has to be competitive.

      There’s a whole issue with a non-profit of not designing its professional roles to appeal only to those with a trust fund.

    4. Overeducated*

      I have decided that it’s more important to me to support organizations doing work that I think is important and has a meaningful impact than that I evaluate their finances for maximum efficiency. I feel this way because I left a nonprofit field due to low salaries, and have friends who’ve done the same. Just like I don’t resent public sector employees for having liveable salaries despite being paid via taxes, I think part of the role of my charitable donations is to pay for a charity’s administrative costs.

    5. Lizy*

      How much of their donations go to the actual mission? And how much of that is “real” verses “fluff”? For example, I worked at a university foundation that was funded completely separately from donations, so quite literally, if you made a $100 donation to the physics department, the physics department got $100. You don’t want to give to a place that says 90% of funds go to “help” their mission, if that means 70% goes to training volunteers and only 20% goes to actually helping people.

      I don’t think how much a CEO gets paid is necessarily relevant. In the university situation, I’m sure the president makes way over 6-figures, but it’s a major state university and he’s well-known in the community. He brings in a crap-ton of money so 6-figures is probably pennies when it all is said and done.

    6. Observer*

      or is my sense of scale off?

      Completely.

      And how do I tell if other charities are ok?

      Look at what it is that they purport to do. Then look at how well they do it and what the TRUE cost is per unit of service / person served. When I say TRUE cost, look at what they are paying for all of the bits and pieces of their budget. Also, make sure that they are doing what they do in an ethical way. eg They actually follow employee safety regulations, pay appropriately etc. Just to take 2 common problems with charities that are “cost efficient” and have “low overhead”.

      Keep in mind that doing things WELL can add cost. Like if an organization is supposed to disburse emergency funds to people in the wake of a disaster, it may cost more to get the money out within a few days than a few months. But any survivor of a disaster can tell you that immediate money is going to be worth a LOT more than having to wait 6 months or longer.

      Also when evaluating cost, make sure that you are making appropriate comparisons. Different types of services are going to have different cost structures, and that’s perfectly legitimate.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve worked for nonprofits for most of my career, and there is an unfortunate widespread perception in the US that leadership and other employees should work for minimal salaries. Paying competitive salaries as a concept overall makes organizations more effective in their mission–they can hire and retain skilled professionals. The turnover and lack of experience at nonprofits with low pay can definitely compromise the mission.

      I echo what others have said here about how to see if organizations are effective. A couple other suggestions. Nonprofits publish annual reports that are typically available on their websites. Read those and see what they choose to highlight. Can you see impact from the stories they’re telling? If you know people involved with the kinds of issues you’re interested in, you can also ask them their perception. For instance, if you’re interested in a charity supporting free medical care, perhaps you know a nurse who may be familiar with their work.

      Finally, here’s a message I want to shout from the rooftops, best articulated in Dan Pallotta’s outstanding TED Talk called The Way We Think About Charity is Wrong: “Activist and fundraiser Dan Pallotta calls out the double standard that drives our broken relationship to charities. Too many nonprofits, he says, are rewarded for how little they spend — not for what they get done. Instead of equating frugality with morality, he asks us to start rewarding charities for their big goals and big accomplishments (even if that comes with big expenses). In this bold talk, he says: Let’s change the way we think about changing the world.”

  65. Ask an Awkward Mom*

    Does anyone know of a good parent advice blog that has the same values as Ask a Manager or Captain Awkward? I really like consuming information in this format. I often get answer to questions before they come up in my life!

    3. No Name Yet*

      Not quite exactly the same but I like Slate’s Care & Feeding column. One nice aspect is that there are multiple regular writers (including people of different genders, races), so you get different (interesting!) perspectives from a single column.

    4. Fellow Traveller*

      I really like Meghan Leahey who writes the parenting column for the Washington Post. Her advice is always very forgiving and actionable. She also has a chat twice a month where readers can submit questions. I also like that she writes about a wide range of age; I’ve found that a lot of the parenting sites rarely go past elementary school age kids- and honestly that’s when it got hard for me. (There is a paywall for the Post, but my public library has access for card holders. Also Leahy re-publishes a lot of her Post content on her own site.)
      Slate also has a parenting column, but I find a lot of their content super specific and sometimes they parent-shame if the letter writer isn’t a super liberal free range type. (I guess it *is* Slate, after all.) I tend to read it more for entertainment than actual advice.
      And there are a lot of great parenting podcasts out there.
      And I like CorporetteMoms- not an advice site, per se, but the commenters there are generally helpful, though of a pretty specific demographic.

    5. Aurora Leigh*

      If you’re open to Facebook groups — I really like Raising Children Without the Woo. It’s pretty strictly moderated so it doesn’t get out of hand, like some (most?) parenting groups.

    6. Elf*

      Care and Feeding is really a mixed bag depending on the columnist of the day and the topic. Sometimes the advice is good, but there have been some downright offensive columns when atheism came up, and all of them have some blind spots (except Doyin Richards, who is all blind spot).

      Not being written anymore (at least not regularly) but I really like the Advice Smackdown on AlphaMom written by Amalah. There’s a huge archive and she is really good on most things (the one point I disagree with her on is at what point the bad behavior of grandparents outweighs the benefits of a grandparent relationship – I would cut the grandparent off MUCH sooner)

  66. RosyGlasses*

    Book Gift Recommendation for Father in Law

    Looking for some good recommendations for a book for my father in law (his requested gift). He enjoys science (has a degree in it) and probably would like fiction.

    Hobbies include (but books don’t have to follow this theme) : golf, bird watching, travel. He’s in his late 60s.

    Thank you!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Andy Weir’s books are good science fiction with good science. The Martian is probably still his best known, after the Matt Damon movie, but Artemis is a heist caper in a moon colony and Project Hail Mary is … hard to explain, but I really enjoyed it.

    2. Reba*

      What about the new nonfiction “The Dawn of Everything” by David Graeber and David Wengrow? For a taste, there is an excerpt online in the Guardian titled “Unfreezing the Ice Age: the truth about humanity’s deep past.”

      There are tons of non-fiction books about birds and bird science. I enjoyed “The Genius of Birds” by Jennifer Ackerman, as well as (this one admittedly only tangentially about birds) “The Feather Thief” by Kirk Johnson, it’s a wild story.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      This is nonfiction, but I recommend the collection of 50 essays that I received as a gift, Good Birders Don’t Wear White. The stories are both funny and informative.

    5. Daffodilly*

      I hear good things about the Apollo Murders, an outer space mystery written by Chris Hadfield, an actual astronaut. So if space exploration and mysteries are something he might like, it might be a good fit.

  67. Sunshine*

    The school district in our community have fenced in and padlocked their school grounds/ playgrounds. I remember playing on the neighborhood school playground as a kid. And the town next to us doesn’t limit access.
    So my question…. Is this the norm in your area? Why do they do this?

    1. Generic Name*

      That’s sad. I’m sure it’s a liability/crime thing. None of the schools are fenced in my area, and kids can come play on the playground equipment pretty much whenever.

    2. Chaordic One*

      Well, no, it’s not the norm in most places, but I do suppose that it has to do with the possibility of liability, and perhaps because it keeps people away from school property and protects it from vandalism and theft of school property.

      I have very fond memories of when I was a child and my hometown recreation department would provide supervised play activities on the school grounds of the elementary schools that were closed for the summer. They mostly hired unemployed teenagers to supervise the activities. I can imagine all sorts of things that might have gone wrong, but I’m not aware of there being any problems and I really loved it.

    3. Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain*

      It’s the norm in my area in SoCal. The gates are usually open during the daylight hours even on the weekends, but everything is locked up after dark. We’ve had vandalism and theft…they know there are computers and other equipment in the classrooms. But also, the schools in my area aren’t one big multistory building like i gather other places are. Pretty much all the classrooms open to outdoor hallways with multiple smaller 1-story buildings spread across the campus.

      1. Bad at picking names*

        Yes, this is my experience in the Bay Area (at least in the wealthy Oakland neighborhood where I used to nanny) too. The gates were locked during the day to keep non-school personnel out but unlocked for the neighborhood on evenings and weekends.

    4. Pam Adams*

      I think it may also be the fear of intruders- narrowing the entrances to campus means it’s easier to control access.

      1. Bad at picking names*

        Yes, I think so. My childhood school playground (in SoCal) that used to be wide open back in the 80s now has a gate around it.

Comments are closed.